# Seriously, am I wrong about this!?



## dathrillisgone (Aug 13, 2012)

Basically, I have been a sahm for 13 years (not my preferred option), but my husband did not want me to work. He said that my working would get in the way of what he was doing which is running his own business which he does. So I obliged out of not wanting to make waves cause it was causing arguments. The entire time though I had this deep seated feeling of fear in my stomach, I did not feel it was a safe bet for me,but we have young children so I figured it was for the best. 

Needless, to say my gut feeling was right, over the years I have been subjected to what I feel is emotional abuse due to my having to depend on him financially and him using it as leverage. It is nothing for him to threaten to leave and divorce me whenever tf he feels like it and guess who needs to move back to mama's house when he does? Me. It's the same thing ever single time. I end up crying and begging him to stay and not because I love him, but because I have no resources, no money, nowhere to go (all of my family lives in another state) literally nothing that he claims is ours is mine as well anymore when he gets this way. My dignity is none existent at this point. I hate begging him to stay, I just want to tell him to get tf out of my life. Now, I've tried to help myself by working from home, but the jobs are never stable and when I say I would like to work outside of the home, I'm told that we need to divorce. My last job was doing chat with Grubhub and after 4 months we were laid off. That entire time he refused to work, told me he was on vacation and I was unable to save any money.

Anyway, we got into a huge argument yesterday. We live in a house that we are trying to buy, he can't buy it because of the child support on his credit so he wants me to get the home in my name. I've been working on cleaning up my credit from all the medical bills I had that I couldn't pay from being his sahw (ridiculous). He says to me that he doesn't know if he wants me to get the house in my name anymore which I said was fine. I didn't see a need for an argument,but he got upset. He was mad because I mentioned before that I didn't want to get a bigger loan on the home than we could afford. He wants the loan for more so that he can use some of the funds to fix the home and for his business.

After 13 years of holding it in, I just had to tell him that I did not like the idea that I have to invest in HIS future, make sacrifices in my life so that HE can grow,miss opportunities, put my credit on the line and all of these other things that he feels he's entitled to only to be told whenever he gets in one of his moods that I no longer have a right to those things.To me that's like putting money in a savings account for 20 years to only be told there's nothing to withdraw when you go to cash out. I feel if he is not all in it for a future with me then I need to start investing energy in myself in case this goes south. I refuse to end up being some 50 year old who wasted her life helping her husband succeed to end up broke and struggling to start over.

I do not like the idea that my future and all that I've invested in rest solely on his fickle emotions. If I thought he was in it for the long haul, I would not mind, but I feel he's getting all he can and he's going to pull the rug right from under me. I feel he should not be able to get a huge loan in my name on a home that more than likely I won't get when he dumps me. I feel I have every right to feel that way and that my future matters also. He threatens to leave me so much that I feel zero security so naturally I feel cautious. He claimed that he shares everything with me,but I tried to explain to him over his screaming over me that it comes at huge price. I'm the one disadvantaged having to walk on eggshells and being afraid to speak up about my concerns out of fear that he will leave me. No matter how I tried to explain it he has determined that I'm selfish, that all I think about is me and that I don't care about my family. 

I feel confused and extremely angry. He told me that I'm making him feel like he should not be doing anything for our family anymore, that all he has done has been for our family. He did not lie, he has done everything for our family, but with exceptions. We have an issue with imbalance of power here and finances are a major factor of this. Don't know what to do.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How old are your children?

What is your level of education?

What concrete job skills do you have?

Do your parents have room for you and your children?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why does he think that he can get a loan in your name, put your name on the house and use some of the money for the home loan on reburnishing the house and on his business. That's not how home loans, mortgages work. The mortgage company (or bank, etc) give ALL the funds to whomever you are buying the home for. They will not give a loan for more than the value of the property. Also, since you do not have an income, you most likely cannot put the mortgage for the home in your name. You need to just stop arguing with him about all this 'cause it's not going ever happen anyway. Let him pursue this sure to fail plan of his.

What he's doing is considered a from of domestic abuse, it's financial abuse and emotional abuse.

If he ever tries to kick you out of your home, know that he cannot do that. By law, it's your legal residence. Only a judge can force you to move. There is no way that a judge is going to tell a SAHM to leave her legal residence with or without her children. Your husband will be the one moving out if you file for divorce.

In the mean time, you need to prepare to leave him. One thing you need to realize is that you have a lot of power here. 

If you file for divorce your attorney can file for child support and interim alimony/maintenance until the divorce if final. And the attorney can ask the court to award you alimony after the divorce. You will most likely get at least rehabilitative or other kinds of alimony so that you can get the training and/or education you need so that you can support yourself. You will also get child support until your children are 18.

https://www.myfloridalaw.com/alimony/obtaining-alimony-in-a-florida-divorce/

When it comes to asset split, you will most likely get at least half of the assets, to include half of his business and half of all savings, etc. In an equitable distribution state, since you are the lower earner you just might get more than 50%.

https://www.familylawprotection.com...-should-know-about-florida-property-division/

I'm going to post what is called an exit plan. You need to learn about the divorce laws in your state, get into counseling at an organization for victims of domestic abuse, and start working a plan to get out of this abusive relationship. You can do it.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

People come here saying they don't know what to do, but they don't heed the advice they're given either. When really, they knew what to do but just didn't want to do it. They post out of hope for some magic pills or incantations. LOL I'm kidding, but you get my drift.

So tell us what are you willing to do? We can make suggestions all day that won't mean anything to you since you're too afraid to do anything.

And speaking of your fear, you are strangling yourself with it. 
Drowning yourself in it.
You spiked your kool-aid with it because convinced yourself you had something to be afraid of.

And out of your fear, you gave to him AAALLLL of your power. 
Every single bit of it. 
Every single time. 
On a silver platter.
And then fed it to him from a silver spoon.

When you should have cut his legs out from under him with it instead.

He has you right where he wants you. And he's enjoying all of YOUR power that gave to him. He knows that all he has to do is plant a small seed of fear, and there you will come begging again. He is loving this. And he tests the waters ever so periodically to make sure you are still biting. And you always do. Fresh fish. Yum Yum

I bet you're sick of me, aren't you? I sure hope so. Maybe you'll get mad enough to do what you need to do. I'm trying to push you out the door. Are you still here, or are you gone? On a plane I hope. You have no business still sitting in that chair reading this website and looking for responses to your post. Get up. Get out. Call mom and tell her you and the kids are on your way home. Then tell her, Oh yeah by the way, mom, I don't have any money. Can you please help us get there?

The problem with fear is that it stifles us. It mutes us. It blinds us. It nails our feet to the floor. So since you're too afraid to do anything and too afraid to make a decision, then don't. Let your feet carry. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Repeat. Keep repeating until you're gone. You can't rely on yourself but there's nothing to prevent your feet from carrying you.

Go home to mama's house so you can finally get on your feet - something you will never, ever, EVER do as long as you stay there under his rule and under his thumb. He made sure you COULDN'T save any money. You know that, right? He made sure you stayed right where he wants you. And you did.

So the moment you take your power back and walk out the door, guess what he's going to do? 
Beg
Cry
Plead
Apologize
Cry some more
Beg some more
Say he's sorry
Beg some more
Make all kinds of promises to do whatever you want him to do
Cry again
Start pleading again
Beg some more
Make all kinds of promises that you can do whatever you want to do
And keep on crying
And begging you to stay

See how much fun power is when you're the one who has it?
But you BETTER NOT fall for his crocodile tears, none of his begging, none of his apologies, and none of his promises because none of it will be real. He will only do it to make you change your mind. You'll turn around back into the house, unpack yours and the kids' clothes, and settle in for a wonderful marriage of even distribution of power and your husband acting so very kind and sweet and loving and making you feel like the only woman on earth and he's so grateful you changed your mind.

And it will last for about 2 weeks.

But you're not going to leave in the first place, are you? Because your fear rules the world....and it rules you too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....
========================================
Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The US National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

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In Canada: 

1-866-863-0511 (Toll Free) 
416-863-0511 (Toronto)
I need counselling, health care, mental health or financial services
========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.

=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $10 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I forgot to tell you that you don't even have to fear him leaving. If he leaves, the court will make sure he maintains the home, you, and the kids during the divorce proceedings. When the divorce becomes final, you have a decree of divorce that includes spousal support and child support. All you have to do is file. I know you don't have money for attorney, but the court can make him pay that too. Find a yellow pages (I know they're hard to find these days lol) so you have access to the phone numbers of local attorneys. There are LOTS in the yellow pages. Call around to divorce attorneys until you find one that does free consultations. There are probably many who do, but I don't know the area you live in. They will talk with you for an hour free of charge. This will let you know your rights and what you can expect. In the meanwhile, start doing research on the internet for separation laws in your state. File the necessary paperwork if you don't want to go through an attorney. There's a lot you can learn and a lot you can do. You don't have to sit there in fear begging him not to leave you. The next time he threatens you, you be the one begging him to do it. Tell him "Okay, leave! Pleeeeaaassee leave!!!

Here's an article on *separation maintenance*. You still have to look up the law for your specific state because some wording and provisions may vary.


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## dathrillisgone (Aug 13, 2012)

StarFires said:


> People come here saying they don't know what to do, but they don't heed the advice they're given either. When really, they knew what to do but just didn't want to do it. They post out of hope for some magic pills or incantations. LOL I'm kidding, but you get my drift.
> 
> So tell us what are you willing to do? We can make suggestions all day that won't mean anything to you since you're too afraid to do anything.
> 
> ...


I'm looking for an option that will help me get on my feet until I can leave. I have 6 kids.


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## dathrillisgone (Aug 13, 2012)

To clarify, the courts have not been able to touch him in child support. His ex who is also a good friend of mine now was never successful. He has an LLC and never drew a salary so they couldn't touch any of his accounts because they were all in his business name. She never got anything. When she got evicted, I was the one that went and picked up the girls and took care of them until she got back on her feet.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The court cannot force someone to work. It happens all the time where men don't want to pay, so they refuse to work or they work under the table. Or in this case, he may continue working, but not keep accurate records, so it looks like he's not making any money. He has already proven that he is this type of man. I highly recommend that you secure and make copies of all financial information, so that you can prove his income and that you plan this extremely well so you don't end up destitute due to his controlling behavior.

And before anyone says that they'll throw him in jail, I don't think that will happen. That is extremely rare and for a man who has already shown himself to be controlling and manipulative.

He probably isn't reporting his income correctly to the IRS as it stands. You need bank records, tax records, and any other financial records you can get a hold of.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

dathrillisgone said:


> I'm looking for an option that will help me get on my feet until I can leave. I have 6 kids.


Wow1 Are they all your kids?

If not your mom's, I can't think of anything you could do since he'll just force you to spend your money and keep you right where he wants you.

Or, if he doesn't give you enough money for food and household expenses, you can go to social services. You don't have to tell him about the income they give you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dathrillisgone said:


> To clarify, the courts have not been able to touch him in child support. His ex who is also a good friend of mine now was never successful. He has an LLC and never drew a salary so they couldn't touch any of his accounts because they were all in his business name. She never got anything. When she got evicted, I was the one that went and picked up the girls and took care of them until she got back on her feet.


How old are you children?

Can you get info on any bank accounts that he has?

Does she show zero profit each year when he files taxes?


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## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

Hey, dathrillisgone. I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with such a painful, stressful, and hurtful situation and that he's done those things to you. 

This can be extremely complex and tricky. I'm grateful for some of the thoughtful advice above. If you'd like tips on how to approach any conversations you feel like you need to have with him, then feel free to share here or PM me. I'm happy to help.


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

I sure wish my wife wanted to work. I don't get how he thinks it's selfish of you to want to have a basic means of self-support.

I understand that your family lives out of state. But for something like this, can you get to them if necessary (or they to you)? Would they be willing to have you and the kids stay with them?

You said you're with him only for the financial security, so for both of your sakes you should divorce. If you get married again, do not do it for support. Tell any prospective mates from the beginning that you insist on having your own job, and that any men who feel like it's important for them as men to carry their wives should find somebody else.


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