# No more Patience only apathy and resentment.



## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

I love my wife and I want to find a way to reconnect but a few months ago my patience with her ended and I have been honest with how I feel for the first time in a long while and its tearing us apart.

My wife does not work. 

My wife does not keep the house clean( I do my part in not helping, but work 40 hours a week, and during tax season have two jobs)

My wife and I do not have any kids together,(I have 9 year old from previous, she has 5 year old, neither gets along great with EX, we get along better with her EX then we do with mine) Kids get along great.

Things were ok until we moved and rent increased $450 a month. Before then we had enough money but we both wanted to move closer to where are kids other half's lived. 

At the time we agreed that we could only move if she could make $400 a month, in other words pay for groceries. We moved and she started the first real job that she had ever had. Started making $2000 a month. Did the math and new we could pay off X bills if she could work for 6 months with that extra income. She lasted 60 days. Got let go for calling out too many times.

Fast forward two years. She hasn't made $400 in a month more than a hand full of times and about 6 months ago I declared bankruptcy. I don't blame her for the bankruptcy. I blame myself for not putting my foot down sooner. 

I don't know what to call it, maybe patience, but i didn't stress just how upsetting her not working was making me. I kept it bottled up inside, distanced myself. Which in turn led her to being unfaithful. Just how unfaithful I will never know. At worst, full blown affair. At best inappropriate facebook/texting communication. It bothers me everyday but I watch too much porn so I understand wanting some outside fantasy. Either way not a deal breaker, it is one thing I believe we have been able to talk about honestly and have mostly moved past it. 

Now i have a fuse that is so short I could explode for the smallest things. I have even said "I have no more patience for you". In my mind the pattern goes something like this....

"We don't have any kids together, you turned down child support from your EX, while I pay mine a small fortune, you aren't keeping the house clean, you aren't working, you cheated on me and you regularly talk back to me, not too mention you get physical when we argue, just give me one reason to look at you like your aren't completely useless"

Sounds terrible, right? Why am I still married? 

I was a Marine. I have been to Iraq. I have a full time time job. I am a christian, I like to think of myself as a good person. I am also a procrastintor (should be cleaning right now), my personal hygiene is like I am still in the Marines, and impulsive. I also have lied when faced with questions from my wife that I don't feel she has any right to ask. Such as did you "mastrubate today", or "did you put on deodarant". I would never put myself in a situation where i had to lie about where i was or who i was with or anything not related to something in my opinion that was trivial" 

I understand how frustrated she may be with a few of my faults and I wouldn't have a problem addressing them in a kind way, like I did for so long. 

But now, my reaction is "who are you to tell me how to live my life" I bit my tounge for years, thinking there is no good in bashing someone for there faults, accept someone for who they are. If you don't have anything nice to day, don't say anything at all. That was my motto. But it wasn't patience, it was apathy. I was pretending that the things she did/does didn't bother me. 

Then I woke up. It was gradually but she had so many hurtful things to me, that one day i joined the fight. I told her the truth, that she is a child in a women's body, with no idea how to care for herself. Called her an awful person, selfish spoiled brat. Talked to her parents who blamed themselves for spoiling her and seemed to understand my frustrations.

No one but my closest friends knows this much. My family is concerned but their bias towards me makes them useless to talk to. While my friends think I'm crazy for putting up with it.

I'm not putting up with it anymore. "Get a job, clean the house, stop talking back, bear me a child, worship the lord" Pick one, do something with your life that has value greater than yourself." Give me a reason to choose to love you again. 

I believe love is a choice

Funny thing is. The more I push the issue, the more grownup responses i see. She is now actively looking for work the way she should be, She is now cleaning the house more. She is talking back less. But until I see consistency, i am stuck in my temperant of resentment. I am hopeful that will change in the future. 

But until then how do i live with her like this? I think the best thing for her would be to separate. Let her become independent, but even that is impractical as she has nowhere to go. She is stuck, she knows it. I am stuck, I know it. 

In summary. I feel like I am lying if I show her any patience because the only way I know how to do that is by being indifferent, uncaring, and losing all desire to be with her. 

There has to be a better way!:frown2:


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

Reading my own post. I see immaturity on both of us, and some "hostile dependency"


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

jj224 said:


> Reading my own post. I see immaturity on both of us, and some "hostile dependency"


That is a positive sign that you recognize that both of you have some growing up to do. What you have described is a path that eventually leads to divorce. Both of you need to stop procrastinating and begin behaving more maturely. I think you both know what that means. I suggest starting with small steps that are attainable and grow from there.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

You do understand that you are not totally exempt from housework, right?

Otherwise, I am with you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, a simple truth that's often very, very, hard for people to really grasp is that the only person anyone can ever change is themselves. You can't change her or make her do anything. All you have control of is you. I highly recommend that you stop trying to force her to change and focus on yourself and your own issues. 

Yes, you sound hostile and resentful. Probably co-dependent as well. But what really stands out to me is what you call your "patience". I'm afraid that the behavior you describe sounds much more like passive-aggressive conflict avoidance than patience. It's something you'll need to work on. Changing that within yourself will make you a better person and a better partner. Become the best version of yourself that you can be. She will either change in response and your marriage will improve, or you'll be in a much better position to be a good partner to someone else later.

It really sounds like both you and your wife could benefit from individual counseling, as well as marriage counseling.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

"It's something you'll need to work on. Changing that within yourself will make you a better person and a better partner" 

Thats it in a nutshell. However, I don't know how to do that without distancing myself and feeling like I'm watching a train wreck. 

How do I keep composure while waiting for her to get her self together? 

When she doesn't have any money left because she spent the last $40 of the grocery budget buying unnecessary items, and then needs more money for essentials, I refuse to give it. So she calls her parents and they give her some money. Makes me look like the bad guy.

Or what, don't give her access to the checking account? I do all the grocery shopping. I'm not her father and shouldn't have to treat her like a child.

I don't want to control her. The money isn't really the issue. It's the self entitled generation that she is in, that thinks she doesn't have to work for anything. Thats fine, if you don't want to work, but if you make that choice to be dependent on me then don't question my decisions. Is that fair?


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

Froggi said:


> You do understand that you are not totally exempt from housework, right?
> 
> Otherwise, I am with you.


I do housework too.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

jj224 said:


> "It's something you'll need to work on. Changing that within yourself will make you a better person and a better partner"
> 
> Thats it in a nutshell. However, I don't know how to do that without distancing myself and feeling like I'm watching a train wreck.
> 
> ...


Don't give money.

There are real world consequences to not choosing correctly.

Really dumb question. Does she understand the concept of a budget?

You two could come together on this. You can't treat her like a child. You have to treat her as someone who simply is ignorant of what a budget is and how to use a budget.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

It seems that you were unhappy but just pent up inside instead of talking directly. Perhaps it was not easy to know how you could talk to her, and now your resentment is very strong.

However, it seemed that your wife is improving. Perhaps she is not perfect yet but Rome isn't built in a day and if she is changing then it's a sign that she cares. Also, since you never talked to her directly she couldn't have known how bad it was.

One thing that stood out is how you mentioned her talking back. As well as "bear me a child" and something else. It sounds a bit machism and old fashioned. Do you consider each other as equals or do both agree with the more old fashioned setting?
It would sound more reasonable that you reach an agreement on what each person should contribute to the house and your relationship.

Also, it can be a bad idea to involve others of your or her family. You are husband and wife and you should reach mutual compromise and agreement, not ganging up on each side by numbers. Also, that might lead to having family members judging or meddling in your marriage, or affect your relationship with them.

It would be best if you start to work on the communication with each other, be more honest. If there is no money then tell her. She needs to learn that money is a limited resource and if she wants more she needs to earn it too. Don't feel bad for her asking for money from her parents for trivial things as she should be ashamed herself.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

please don't have a child with her.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Funny thing is. The more I push the issue, the more grownup responses i see. She is now actively looking for work the way she should be, She is now cleaning the house more. She is talking back less. But until I see consistency, i am stuck in my temperant of resentment. I am hopeful that will change in the future.



Take responsibility for the fact that you've helped to create this beast.

You've tolerated her laziness and mooching...you've tolerated her behavior.

If she has any redeeming qualities and you want to try to save your marriage then you're resetting to zero and if she's making an effort to do that...you have an obligation to do the same.

Otherwise, end it.

But if you're making the commitment to make an effort to save your marriage then let the resentment go and set clear deliverables and set a timeline for those deliverables. 

And from then on, don't tolerate anything but an equal, working, respectful partner.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She sounds utterly useless, and you share blame for letting this go on. File for divorce, and find yourself a real partner.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

If you don't work outside the home then your job IS the home. If she doesn't have a job bringing in that $400 then she needs to be at his beck & call. IMO


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you could benefit from reading a few books:
"His Needs, Her Needs" and
"Getting the Love You Want"

I'm not sure if I understand what you mean by "talking back". When I was a child I often got into trouble for being "cheeky" and "talking back". It was usually due to me attempting to be funny which was my way of getting attention in my family, or I genuinely had a question or a difference of opinion. If I do the same thing now to my parents, it is acceptable because I'm on equal footing now that I'm an adult. My husband has never once said to me not to "talk back" to him. If he did I would look at him like he'd grown two heads, yet we have different opinions on many topics.

It seems obvious to me that you don't respect your wife at all, not even a little bit. I don't know if her having a job, cleaning the house and going to Church would improve that enough for you to ever consider her on equal footing. I wonder if her gender will always be a problem for you in this regard.

It also seems as if you've had extremely low expectations of her from the get go. You don't seem to have challenged her to get out of her comfort zone at all. In fact, it seems she's regressed. I believe that partners should challenge each other to become better versions of themselves all the time, otherwise, what do you get out of the relationship at the end of the day? I have become a much better person since I met my DH.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

KittyKat said:


> If you don't work outside the home then your job IS the home. If she doesn't have a job bringing in that $400 then she needs to be at his beck & call. IMO



I am in total agreement that if a person is a stay at home mom or dad or spouse (no kids) then yes, the lion's share of housework is theirs and should be. 

I am also in total agreement that this OP's wife needs guidance and a kick in the pants.

However, to say she should be at his beck and call? Like some servant? That really really sounds misogynistic and disrespectful.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why the f*ck isn't HER Baby Daddy paying child support???

If you're accepting this BS then it's ALL ON YOU, bro.

Drag her into the county courthouse and MAKE her file for child support from the deadbeat dad.

Otherwise, if you don't have the moral fortitude to do the right thing... Time to pack it up and move along.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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