# My wife says she's not sexually attracted to me anymore and talks to her ex. HELP!



## Concerned Husband (Apr 15, 2012)

I've never done anything like this before, but I don't know what else to do. I think talking to people who may be going through the same thing and/or have gone through the same thing may be the best thing for my marriage at this point.
To give you a little but of background, I'm 27 years old and I'll be married a year in June. Prior to our marriage my wife and I dated for 4 years. For the first 2 1/2 years our sex life was great then it started to decline. Slowly at first due to stress and work, but then gradually to a stand still. I've tried everything out there and nothing seems to work. So this was not a new issue going into our marriage. Now we've been married for almost 10 months, life has settled down for both of us, but sex is a very rare thing and I get the feeling that she does it just so we don't have to talk about it for a while. Despite my best efforts to create romance and intimacy nothing has worked and I've all but given up.
At first we talked about it and both agreed to focus on rebuilding this aspect of our relationship, but it seemed like I was the only one making an effort. Then she began to get defensive and sometimes upset but wouldn't give me anything other than "I don't know". About 5 months ago she finally opened up a little bit and told me that sex just isn't exciting anymore and that she isn't as physically attracted to me as she used to be. This was a very hard pill to swallow, especially in the beginning of our marriage. Although hearing this hurt it is partially my fault, over the past year I've gained about 40 pounds and definitely have not taken good care of myself. So although I can understand where her decreased attractiveness to me came from, I get frustrated b/c sex is not just physical. I'm pretty emotional for a guy and sex to me is more than just physical. So I have a hard time dealing with this b/c I feel like she places all of her energy in the physical side of sex which I don't feel is right when two people truly love each other. Since she told me about this I've been making real strides in taking care of myself, for her and for me. I've been eating very healthy and exercising regularly and have lot about half of the weight I've put on. I thought that this would help things but it hasn't.
About 3 months ago my wife left for work and left her facebook up. I noticed that she had chatting with an ex-boyfriend and against my better judgement I read it. I wish I hadn't as it has consumed me ever since. At first it was innocent, the normal catching up and seeing how each of them were doing, but then it took a different turn. She began asking him if he still had feelings for her and ever wandered what things would have been like if they had tried to work things out (which I think is normal for most people). At first he told her that those things didn't matter b/c she is married and happy now, but she started saying things to indicate that she was not. She said that she goes to bed and dreams that she is single but then wakes up and realizes that she is married. And that she doesn't think she is the kind of person who should have gotten married b/c she likes the rush of dating and being promiscuous.
This obviously hurt me but I was afraid to approach her about it for fear that it would make her lose trust and it would make our problems even worse. So I've been checking her phone in secret ever since every few days when she is not around. Over the past 2 months it has been getting more frequent and very sexual. She reminisces about having sex with him and talks about how much she wishes she could again. One message said, "I just want to f*** someone hot, is that too much to ask." This was especially hurtful as she encourages (and I thought) supported me through my dieting and exercising. Recently she has said things to indicate that she wants to try and meet up with him when she goes to the beach with her girlfriends this summer.
I love my wife and do not want to lose her. I think she is bored with our marriage (specifically our sex life) and I don't know what I can do. I need help. Please share your thoughts, opinions, and ideas. If things don't change before the summer I can't keep my knowing about this a secret, but I fear bringing it to light will cause 100 other issues. Please help!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She dreams of being single? I'd make her dreams come true. Seriously! She's not that into you and wasn't on the day you married her. You knew it but you married her anyway. You haven't been married 10 months and already you're begging for intimacy. How many ways can she disrespect you? I hate to see divorces but I would soooooo toss this one back before I invested another minute of my life on her. So what, you gained 40 lbs? If her committment is destroyed by 40 lbs, it's no committment at all. Worse things are going to happen during her life. She has no loyalty. She has no attraction for you. She has no respect for you or for herself. I would send her behind down the road so fast she'd get arrested for drag racing.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Concerned, Unbelievable is absolutely right. It is admirable that you are committed to the relationship but I have to be honest and tell you that even if she does come back and makes everything right this little turn of events will haunt you for the rest of your marriage. You will always be wondering if she is thinking of him. Maybe she will get over him but you will pick up on things that will make you wonder if she truly has. I would say save yourself some long term heartache and move on. This does make me sad but I speak from experience and recommend that you set some hardcore limits with her and see some remorse or move on.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Wake up and smell the coffee. She doesn't want to be married to you and is looking for an exit affair through her ex boyfriend. Grant her wish by divorcing her. Don't delude yourself that just because you love her that she must love you as well for her actions clearly indicate that it is a one sided love.

As a divorce survivor from a sexless marriage I can tell you with clear certainty (I'm in a committed and passionate relationship) that the are far better women out there than my ex and your WINO (wife in name only). Don't waste your time on some deluded romantic fantasy. She is definitely NOT the woman for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You aren't getting the same kind of love from her as you have for her, and with that its not going to work.

Sorry man she mad a mistake and married you, it is way to early in the marriage for this kind of crap.

Please to do not try to force this. Walk away. Let me tell you she is so afraid to hurt you b/c you are so nice, but the fact remains that she's just not that into you.

Granted if you could possibly get her to stop all contact with her ex then maybe she is just in a fog, but again this is just so damb early for this kind of behavior.

Sorry brother but this is not her 1st rodeo, I have a feeling she has been down this road before but married you any way. Most likely she sees a stable and secure man, hence the marriage, but at the end of the day she really would like the crap that these bad boys give her.

God I can see you love her, but she just doesn't have the same love for you. Do your self a painful favor and let her go. Do you understand that once the ex is out of the picture it will only be a matter of time when some other guy comes along?

I really think she dissed you 2-1/2 years in the relationship, had her fun and most likely the guy she was seeing behind you back bailed, now here it is with this different guy....her ex and this kind of behavior pattern will haunt you for the rest of the marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's already cheating emotionally with him, that's accelerating her pulling away from you.

It will go PA soon on the path she is on.

You should confront and demand no more contact , you need to verify through a keylogger, and demand either a diviorce or MC now.

The marriage is on its death throws right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Her mind isn't in the right place at all. She longs for a life she's supposed to have put behind her when she said "I do". You could loose the weight (which is a good idea anyway which I'm sure you know), and it may help in the short term. Long term her heart is longing to commit adultery.

Like "the guy" said above, she may have been looking for the secure guy and realized she wants a secure bad boy. Unfortunately unless you're independently wealthy and have a penchant for a wild lifestyle, stable and bad boy don't mix.

She has already started an EA with her ex and with that attitude she's either had a PA or is heading towards one. If you want to save your marriage get to a MC immediately, and if she refuses I hate to say it but it's over. If she wants to play the part of ****ty sorority sister she needs to not be married, and you don't need to put up with it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

What I don't understand is this lack of sex was going on a year or so before you got married,but you still got married.Why didn't you deal with this then? Her asking him if he still had feelings for her and did he wonder "what if" is not normal for most people unless they're fishing to see if they can get something going.The fact that she tells the guy that she wants to f*ck someone hot and she's going to try to hook up with him should tell you she's already gone.She texts "is that too much to ask" WTF!!Yaaaa,you're married! I'd just cut bait my friend,because after basically no sex for 2 years she's more willing to offer it up to another man than you.Sorry you're here,but sometimes you just have to have higher standards for whats acceptable no matter how much you love somebody.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Concerned Husband said:


> I've never done anything like this before, but I don't know what else to do. I think talking to people who may be going through the same thing and/or have gone through the same thing may be the best thing for my marriage at this point.
> To give you a little but of background, I'm 27 years old and I'll be married a year in June. Prior to our marriage my wife and I dated for 4 years. For the first 2 1/2 years our sex life was great then it started to decline. Slowly at first due to stress and work, but then gradually to a stand still. I've tried everything out there and nothing seems to work. So this was not a new issue going into our marriage. Now we've been married for almost 10 months, life has settled down for both of us, but sex is a very rare thing and I get the feeling that she does it just so we don't have to talk about it for a while. Despite my best efforts to create romance and intimacy nothing has worked and I've all but given up.
> At first we talked about it and both agreed to focus on rebuilding this aspect of our relationship, but it seemed like I was the only one making an effort. Then she began to get defensive and sometimes upset but wouldn't give me anything other than "I don't know". About 5 months ago she finally opened up a little bit and told me that sex just isn't exciting anymore and that she isn't as physically attracted to me as she used to be. This was a very hard pill to swallow, especially in the beginning of our marriage. Although hearing this hurt it is partially my fault, over the past year I've gained about 40 pounds and definitely have not taken good care of myself. So although I can understand where her decreased attractiveness to me came from, I get frustrated b/c sex is not just physical. I'm pretty emotional for a guy and sex to me is more than just physical. So I have a hard time dealing with this b/c I feel like she places all of her energy in the physical side of sex which I don't feel is right when two people truly love each other. Since she told me about this I've been making real strides in taking care of myself, for her and for me. I've been eating very healthy and exercising regularly and have lot about half of the weight I've put on. I thought that this would help things but it hasn't.
> About 3 months ago my wife left for work and left her facebook up. I noticed that she had chatting with an ex-boyfriend and against my better judgement I read it. I wish I hadn't as it has consumed me ever since. At first it was innocent, the normal catching up and seeing how each of them were doing, but then it took a different turn. She began asking him if he still had feelings for her and ever wandered what things would have been like if they had tried to work things out (which I think is normal for most people). At first he told her that those things didn't matter b/c she is married and happy now, but she started saying things to indicate that she was not. She said that she goes to bed and dreams that she is single but then wakes up and realizes that she is married. And that she doesn't think she is the kind of person who should have gotten married b/c she likes the rush of dating and being promiscuous.
> ...


Find your testicles and contact a lawyer. Make sure she pays for this crap. You are worth more than this. Get tested for low testosterone.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Your wife is arranging to have an affair.

She won't have sex with you.

She says she wants to have sex with other people.

She is running you down behind your back.

You are afraid to confront her outrageously terrible behavior.

You have only been married for 10 months.

You want to remain married to someone who treats you this way, why?!! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? Do you just really enjoy pain and misery?

What advice would you give your best friend if he came to you with this problem?

You need individual counseling to figure out why you are willing to be such a doormat to help you in your next relationship, because your current one is a train wreck in progress because of your wife's utter lack of integrity and clear contempt for you.

You should get out while you can. Can you imagine what things will be like in one year, if she is even still around? 10 years? What a nightmare scenario!!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

All the previous posts are true.

You should end this marriage and never look back.

Also, continue down the road of getting yourself in better shape. The best revenge is to have a good life.

Find someone who truly desires you


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Concerned Husband said:


> I've never done anything like this before, but I don't know what else to do. I think talking to people who may be going through the same thing and/or have gone through the same thing may be the best thing for my marriage at this point.
> To give you a little but of background, I'm 27 years old and I'll be married a year in June. Prior to our marriage my wife and I dated for 4 years. For the first 2 1/2 years our sex life was great then it started to decline. Slowly at first due to stress and work, but then gradually to a stand still. I've tried everything out there and nothing seems to work. So this was not a new issue going into our marriage. Now we've been married for almost 10 months, life has settled down for both of us, but sex is a very rare thing and I get the feeling that she does it just so we don't have to talk about it for a while. Despite my best efforts to create romance and intimacy nothing has worked and I've all but given up.
> At first we talked about it and both agreed to focus on rebuilding this aspect of our relationship, but it seemed like I was the only one making an effort. Then she began to get defensive and sometimes upset but wouldn't give me anything other than "I don't know". About 5 months ago she finally opened up a little bit and told me that sex just isn't exciting anymore and that she isn't as physically attracted to me as she used to be. This was a very hard pill to swallow, especially in the beginning of our marriage. Although hearing this hurt it is partially my fault, over the past year I've gained about 40 pounds and definitely have not taken good care of myself. So although I can understand where her decreased attractiveness to me came from, I get frustrated b/c sex is not just physical. I'm pretty emotional for a guy and sex to me is more than just physical. So I have a hard time dealing with this b/c I feel like she places all of her energy in the physical side of sex which I don't feel is right when two people truly love each other. Since she told me about this I've been making real strides in taking care of myself, for her and for me. I've been eating very healthy and exercising regularly and have lot about half of the weight I've put on. I thought that this would help things but it hasn't.
> About 3 months ago my wife left for work and left her facebook up. I noticed that she had chatting with an ex-boyfriend and against my better judgement I read it. I wish I hadn't as it has consumed me ever since. At first it was innocent, the normal catching up and seeing how each of them were doing, but then it took a different turn. She began asking him if he still had feelings for her and ever wandered what things would have been like if they had tried to work things out (which I think is normal for most people). At first he told her that those things didn't matter b/c she is married and happy now, but she started saying things to indicate that she was not. She said that she goes to bed and dreams that she is single but then wakes up and realizes that she is married. And that she doesn't think she is the kind of person who should have gotten married b/c she likes the rush of dating and being promiscuous.
> ...


Inappropriate -- check

Unfaithful -- check

Cheating -- Yeah I think so. Not sure if they have hooked up yet but the level of unfaithfulness is cheating to me.

I have no idea why you felt bad about reading her email. Whatever. But why you did nothing to stop their affair, is even more puzzling.

Connecting with ex-BFs should be off limits.

So she wants promiscuous sex. Ok, then maybe the issue is not you.

I say, ongoing issue, cheating wife, no kids ... no brainer.

Also consider the very likely possibility she was being promiscuos before you married her.

Cut your loses. Go for the divorce. make her dreams come true. Make her single again.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Inappropriate -- check
> 
> Unfaithful -- check
> 
> ...


My biggest disagreement with the above is that you should look into an annulment first, as it has only been 10 months. If not available, proceed to a divorce.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Concerned, it may sound like we are all anti-marriage on this forum, believe me we are not, all of the commenters on here believe marriage is something special, even something sacred, but we learned one way or another that marriage takes a lot of work by both spouses.

You may be surprised that we are telling you to cut her free, until now you may not have realized it is so serious, maybe it looks very good on the surface with just some problems to fix, however your W is not making any effort to fix these at all, to the contrary she is looking for her exit affair. Your relationship is young but the foundation has major cracks right now that can't just be filled in, you are looking at a complete rebuild, you need to decide together if that is what is in both your interests (but its pretty clear that isn't in her interest at all).

RCLawson gave the best advice, time to establish some hard limits on this, look at the threads on this site to understand where your relationship boundaries are and if she is unable to live with them serve her with a divorce and move on with your life.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

Do this woman a favor and give her the life she is trying to get back too. Go see a lawyer and give her the walking papers asap.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You need to read No More Mister Nice Guy.

Good luck.


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## hvsnow (Apr 26, 2012)

It's easy for everyone on the outside to say what a horrible person your wife is, and that you should leave her, but we also all know, it's not that simple. If you confront her about this, she WILL get defensive and try and turn it around on you. But once all of that dust has settled, if your relationship is in any way worth saving, she will be willing to talk things through out in the open about what needs to change/happen, and she will take accountability for her betrayal. If not, you know at least you did everything you could. Pack up your heartbreak and move on.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

OP, she's having an EA. You need to bring it up, and immediately. You are you suffering in silence.

Yes, your marriage might break up over it, and no of course it's not easy, but isn't it better to know where you stand?

To encourage your diet/exercise efforts to your face and then cut you down behind your back to another man is vile.

Stand up for yourself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

TallAverageGuy is correct.

Annulment is best course of action here. Do it before that loophole closes too. You can always remarry if things worked out down the road


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

As hard as it might be it is time to move on in your life without her. You will be much happier in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

CH, the only difference from your wife and my ex is that yours thinks enough of you to let you know it's over beforehand.
She's doing you a favor so take advantage of it.


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

Ok, first off I am not trying to be rude, but you just gotta man up and stand up to this horrible person who you call your wife. So many men just become doormats, and their wives do not respect them. That being said, a GOOD wife will stand behind her man and help him recapture his manhood when he falters. 

Attraction is a funny thing, and as men we all really often do not have a clue what women are thinking or what makes attraction click with them. I know that some ball busting emotional vampires that call themselves wives have put fear in the heart of their husbands but you gotta look out for yourself. Its really sad how they can destroy a man's self confidence to this level. If I found out my wife was talking to an ex like that, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut for 5 seconds. Holding all that in is going to hurt you even worse. I would say get mad, call her out on it, and leave.

This speaks volumes that you did not confront her out of fear of losing her. Best thing is to leave her, like everyone else has said. If not already, she is definitely going to cheat eventually. It will hurt at first, but in the long run you will be better off, and you can re-capture your manhood, and being self confident has nothing to do with whether or not you have gained 40lbs and that should certainly not be a 'deal breaker' for someone who supposedly loves you. I have been in your shoes before, and trust me it gets better.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are billions of women on earth. Why are you spending 5 minutes with one who tells you she's not attracted to you or otherwise treats you with serial disrespect? Throw the heifer out.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Wow, you are so lucky to have found this out so soon. Run for the door and don't look back. Then find a wife that is not going to want to F*&K her ex because if you stay in this relationship, it will happen, either with him or someone else.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Before anyone can love you, you must love yourself. That doesn't mean you should be narcissistic, but it does mean you have to expect (demand) to be treated with basic human dignity and respect. I apologize for the bluntness, but if this hateful bat is emotionally abusing you (and she is), you are her co-conspirator. People do to us only that which we permit. You are a man. You are a human being, created in the image of the Creator of the Universe. Better to live alone in a cardboard box underneath an interstate overpass than in a mansion with an unfaithful, hateful, spiteful, complete waste of DNA who masquerades as a wife.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

unbelievable:
"Better to live alone in a cardboard box underneath an interstate overpass than in a mansion with an unfaithful, hateful, spiteful, complete waste of DNA who masquerades as a wife".

Change that last word to "man" and I think you'd be describing my ex wife. She would disagree with you, however. LOL


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