# No affection



## AthomeDad (Feb 3, 2012)

Hi everyone; I’m so glad I have found somewhere to discuss my problems. Thank you to anyone who can offer me advice or another opinion that might help. Just for some background; I am a stay at home Dad of three young children; 1 in school, 2 at home. As a family we are financially stressed due to the collapse of the industry I was employed in. I’ve been at home for 3 years now and for the most part we have a complete role reversal in the house. Obviously there are some parts which cannot be switched just because of the mother child relationship, but as far as house work, laundry, ETC; everything is just opposite of what most people imagine. I don’t want to try and cover all of the problems we have as husband and wife because there isn’t enough time in my day to do that. I will address the one thing that seems to keep me so disillusioned. My wife cannot seem to provide me with even the slightest amount of affection. Not a simple touch on the back, a good morning sweetheart, or what would be even more surprising, an” I love you”. I have explained to her how important some expression of affection is to me and what a difference it would make in my attitude toward our troubled relationship with no results. I have try quietly and loudly to be honest. She seems to be perfectly happy to go on living like we are roommates and friends. I will add, according to other posts, we are in a sexless marriage. This is the least of my concerns. I just want to feel loved again. Such a simple thing would make such a difference in how I look at and do everything, even the laundry. Any thoughts?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

There are a lot of very good posts that can help you in the Men's Clubhouse, especially the sticky post.

Does your wife enjoy being the breadwinner? Does she feel under appreciated and/or could she have lost respect for you? Financial security is generally very high on a woman's need list in a marriage.


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## AthomeDad (Feb 3, 2012)

Enjoys being the breadwinner? No, she would much rather I had a great job and could support her at home. I do know she enjoys her line of work and the related activities that go with it. Our biggest concern is the longevity of my going back to work. Putting the kids in daycare just to pull them back out in a month or two is what I consider unfair to everyone; especially the younger kids at home. They start school next fall and I will be able to pursue some sort of career then I hope. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like every year I am out of the workplace makes me less able to compete with the younger generation who will do my job for half the wages and still lives at home and can not care if they are employed the next week or not. IMO it’s not worth the trade off and emotional problems of changing the children’s, life at this point. I do have several hobbies and small business stuff that I hope will become full time income as I can spend more time on them with the kids in school. Please understand, I do compliment her on her ability to keep us a float financially. I do compliment her and her appearance, abilities, and everything else I can think of to gain her interest. I try to give her small amounts of affection (the kind I would like to have in return) to make sure she knows I still love and desire her. I have tried to be the” perfect” homemaker so she feels like I am doing my part. For the most part it seems the more I do to try and make her life easier, the less she attempts to do to make me happy in any way.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

AthomeDad said:


> Enjoys being the breadwinner? No, she would much rather I had a great job and could support her at home.


There's your answer. Regardless of whether she likes her job or not, and all the events that go along with it, she would rather YOU be the breadwinner....as you have clearly stated.

With that said, sounds like she had built up a resentment wall around herself. How is she with the children? Is she a good/attentive mother?

Also, could she be having some sort of an affair outside of the home (emotional and/or physcial)? :scratchhead:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A couple of questions/thoughts.

First, try reading "5 Love Languages" with her. Your library may have it for free. She may have no idea how important certain things are to you, and vice versa. If you communicate love one way and she communicates it another, you can both end up feeling unloved and resentful.

Second, is this something new? Is it new since your unemployment? She may feel resentment at being the breadwinner due to the pressure. She may feel (though not based on rational thought) that you are now less of a man because you don't work or because she earns more than you.

Is she an active Christian? Head over to themarriagebed.com and do some reading. Review the forums, too. Then hit her up with 1 Corinthians 7.

edited to add: Are you too much of a Nice Guy? You may be trying too hard. Check out NoMoreMrNiceGuy dot com. The book may be at your library, too. This is not a book to share with your wife. If you think you are a Nice Guy, another interesting read is "The Way of the Superior Man".


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

southern wife said:


> There's your answer. Regardless of whether she likes her job or not, and all the events that go along with it, she would rather YOU be the breadwinner....as you have clearly stated.


:iagree:

It might do some good to consider that your top need is affection and hers is financial security. Neither one of you is meeting the other's top need.

Generally speaking, if neither of you meet the other's top needs, one of you will eventually find someone who will, and the marriage will end.

I'd recommend an honest discussion of this with her - it might even impress her that you thought this up on your own. Even a few sessions of marriage counseling might clear the air a bit.


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## AthomeDad (Feb 3, 2012)

Affair? Physical I don’t think so. Emotional? Who could know; especially me. I do know she won’t let me look at her phone, and when she did give me the password to play with an app she immediately changed it. I have wondered about this, but I really tend to think sometimes she is trying to beat me down emotionally enough to just throw in the towel. I’ve made it very clear I would go to lengths to prevent anyone from removing what happiness I have between my kids and me. I have had two previous marriages where I basically lost everything and started over from scratch. I can’t do it again. Should I just accept how things are and learn to live with them to protect what happiness I can find without her?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

AthomeDad said:


> I do know she won’t let me look at her phone, and when she did give me the password to play with an app she immediately changed it.


There's another answer for you, and a HUGE red flag. Sounds like she may be up to something. Can you check phone records? Look for any ONE number that stands out, that you don't recognize....that she has lots of contact with?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband would love to be a stay at home dad! It's too bad he couldn't. I'm a SAHM that's disabled with a neck injury. I've been out of work too long to collect disability. My husband has told me in the past that he is jealous that I'm home all day doing whatever I want to do. I honestly do not blame him. 

I'm a big supporter of children being raised by their parents vs having them in daycare. There is absolutely nothing wrong with daycare, but I did have a bad experience twice where my daughter was not properly taken care of. The first time was I arrived to pick her up. She was sitting in a high chair alone eating whole grapes at 1.5 years old while the provider was washing out her bathtub. I immediately pulled her out. The second time was where the provider allowed unsupervised outside play time at 4 years old against my rules. It was 95F and she was not offered water either. Her face was beat red like a tomato. Again, I pulled her out. After that my mother watched her until I was remarried.

My husband had begged me to quit my job to raise our children, which reluctantly I did. Here I am 11 years later happy as can be, besides a few health issues causing setbacks in life. My children are very well behaved and educated properly. I have the opportunity to help them with their studies. I keep it up during the summer while they are on school break. I also have the time to cook good homemade healthy meals from scratch. 

Your wife probably doesn't understand how much work is involved in raising your children properly. It's quite rewarding too. The job market it tough. Even with a great degree or two proving your skills. I don't have any advice, but I'm on your side. The kids are better off home whether it's mom or dad. Good luck. Maybe you'll get the break your wife is looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

AthomeDad said:


> I am a stay at home Dad


Women *do not* like this, no matter what they say. This is the source of her withdrawal and resentment.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Respect....lost....is what I'm thinking. She may perceive you to be less "masculine" as a SAHD, perhaps comparing you to men she works with/for. Maybe commiserating with one of them, thus the reluctance to share her phone.

Your wife has to come back to you on her own terms. Anything you say or do may push her away even further. You can't make her hug or love you.


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