# Who changed? Was it me? What should I do?



## UnluckyFool (Jun 27, 2010)

I'll try to make this brief and properly formatted to ease consumption.

We both married when we were fairly young. I was 23 and she was 28. She was divorcee with a 4 year old son when we met. The magical bliss that we enjoyed during the dating period vanished shortly after the wedding. The dating period was incredible and I couldn't have asked for a better girlfriend. We talked, we made love and we actually enjoyed spending time together. I'm not sure what caused the post-wedding transfomartion. The change really felt like it was overnight. The woman I once knew was literary gone. Was it baggage from the previous marriage or something I might have done/said? I don't know.

Fifteen years later we are still together, but things have slowly and steadily deteriorated. I guess I have always stuck it out in hopes that tomorrow will be better day, but that has never happened. 

Some might be asking, what did he do? Surely this man, most have done something to cause this. Honestly, nothing that I can think of. Like most 20 something men, i was immature and I didn't devote enough time and energy into the marriage like I should. This is not fancy talk for saying I was out partying, sleeping around, etc. That never happened! As a mid 30's man I can now look back and say I could have done things better. Did my lack of nurturing of this marriage ultimately cause this? I don't know. 

What about her? As a professional women, her work ethics and business skills are top-notch, but her family and marital skills are non-existent. What do I mean?

- She shows little to no affection to me or her family members. If she shows any its on her terms. She is a lot like her father in that sense. BTW affection would be a hug, kind words, etc.

- Communication between us is equivalent to strangers meeting the street (meaningless chatter). This has grown worse of the years

- Intimacy? Quarterly if I'm lucky. It has been this way for years. Undoubtedly directly related to the health of the marriage.

- Parenting This has been another issue over the years. The boy (step-son) who will soon be 20 years old has done several things over the years that was punishable in my eyes, but she has always overruled me. Wrong! Parents should always have a united front, but thats another topic. 

- Household This is the latest and most apparent issue. I have always done 90% of the chores (cooking, shopping, laundry, yard, etc) and this issue has been the icing on the cake for me. I am a good provider ($100+K salary) who also does majority of the household chores. In the end, my wife and son don't appreciate the things I do for this family. 

This issue has been amplified over the last six months. She lost her job at the end of 2009. Without any exaggeration, she has NOT ONCE went grocery shopping, cooked dinner a handful of times, vacummed a few times, etc. I think you get the idea. The way I see it, we are a team. We each help contribute to the success of the household. I don't see doing laundry or grocery shopping while unemployed to be unreasonable request.

I asked her today if WE could seek counseling and she said no. She has an issue talking about her problems to me let alone a stranger. So what other option do I have? I am 36 years old and I'll be damn if I will spend another 15 years in a loveless marriage. Thoughts? Questions? Disagreements? Enlighten me, before I visit the lawyer this week. Enough is enough!

Thank you for your time and feedback.


----------



## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

both changed. after reading, it seem she just never a wife to you. don't respect you, probably just want to have a "huband" to add in her resume for coperate stability and advancement. don't know how you do it. she just lead you around like a dog ... at least you wake up in time and realized your mistake. hope you find love in the near future. u deserve it after all that! tc


----------



## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

You and I have a lot of parallels, that's for sure. It was a little eerie to ready your story. Although, I'm the wife.  

Anyway, I had to force counseling. H wouldn't go when asked. He wouldn't move out when asked. He wouldn't budge. He said we were fine, and this is normal. Finally, I told him that I was going to:
1. seek a counselor just for me, if he was unwilling to go.
2. I would be using that counselor to help me figure out how to help the kids through the divorce if that's the only option left.
3. I choose happiness. While I helped us get in this miserable place we are today, I'm done with this. Enough of being treated badly. If he's not on board, I'm ready to deal with the stigma of divorce.
--
Ultimately, that worked. He made me find a man counselor within 5 miles of home that was also in our health plan. This took 18 calls. EIGHTTEEN! Good lord, what a project. However, we're there now. I still suspect we are doomed, because he doesn't know how to have a non-manipulative relationship. AND, now that I have chosen happiness, this may be it. AND, I waited probably 2 years too long to get help.  15 years. Gah.


----------

