# The struggle to make new male friends after 40



## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

I could use advice on making new friends, particularly bros at this point in my life.

Just a quick background about me:

1. Grew up with plenty of guy friends and had good, close friends/ best friends until I met my ex-wife. Getting married, having a family and career, I made the mistake of losing touch with my friends. My exwf was my BF, which was not a bad thing, but I didn't have any male friends after that.

We get divorced about 6 yrs ago. I work on pulling myself out of those ashes, but the one thing I didn't do was work on building new friends. The only male friends that I had was my brother in law and a few of his friends.

Met my exgf about 3 years ago. She had a network of girlfriends and I became friends with their husbands. When I broke up with her (she cheated), she somehow became the martyr/ victim and I was the heartless douche. I think you can see where this is going....

So I'm back to square one.

I joined a dance class two months ago and it's been great. I am friends with the girls and guys there, but it stops there. No hanging out after class as most of them have kids they go home to take care of.

I joined a Meetup group in my area, but I'm apparently too damn picky and feel many of the groups are not in my age bracket. There is a social group that meets, but they are Either too young (20's) or too old ( 50's +). I probably shouldn't be too picky or stubborn about this. 

Another problem I have is that I've discovered I tend to connect better with women than men. It's a blessing ( romantic relationships) and a curse ( making friends). 

I work in a profession that is predominantly female. And the men who I do work with are mostly married.

Finally, I am initially a "mild" introvert when being around/meeting people. I do open up soon after and can be a fun person to be around. I have many damn good qualities and a lot to offer, things I want to do, etc. 
But right now, I'm doing the things I want solo, as I'm not waiting around for others to initiate things with me, which is fine. But In sure as hell would like to have some male friends to do it with. I just don't know any easy way to do it.


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## Lingeric (Jun 18, 2018)

If you would like to make new friends. I would like to recommend to join some dating websites yourself. Hope you can make friends there easily.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Lingeric said:


> If you would like to make new friends. I would like to recommend to join some dating websites yourself. Hope you can make friends there easily.


He wants male friends.

I think that what you are running into is to be expected. Married people (men) want to spend more free time with their spouses, not with other guys.

Since you haven't kept up with any old friends, initially your newer friendships will be superficial, or based on a common interest, and you'll only see them when doing that activity.

Pursue your interests, and you will meet more people through them. Maybe you'll meet some single guys, who don't move on to date and drop you for their GF.

However, it is most likely that even our newer friendships will end when they get a love interest, or if either of you stop doing the thing that caused you to meet. Do you have family that lives nearby?

Have you ever thought of volunteering to help people? If you give to others, your focus will move from "me" centered to "other" centered, and you will also gain some friends (other volunteers) who are more selfless as well. You might not meet with them outside of volunteering, but there might be plenty of activities to keep you busy an interacting with quality people.

I volunteered at a local church that had a community garden a few years ago. We grew food not only for ourselves, but also had plenty to give to local shelters and nursing homes. There were several people there (albeit mostly above 50) who met there, developing friendships with each other, not based on dating, but on gardening and the time they spent together working.

Several moms brought their children, who also helped out. My daughters and I made a few friendships that have lasted because we see those same people at other activities in which we are involved, whether social, a Bible study or home school related.

You might have to get creative, and give of yourself to get.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

MikeinTexas said:


> I could use advice on making new friends, particularly bros at this point in my life.
> 
> Just a quick background about me:
> 
> ...


As I was reading the OP, I was thinking, ''this guy needs to take the Myers-Briggs to see where he falls in the personality traits". And then you say you are an introvert. This does explain some things. If you take the test, it might help you see how you best deal with people. I'm an introvert, so dealing with people one on one is better than dealing with large groups. I'm a member of a few meet up groups, mostly for hiking and camping. I meet a lot of people, but quickly sort out who I can talk to and potentially be friends with. 

It seems, generally, you have a handle on the situation…..just more time is needed, perhaps.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> He wants male friends.
> 
> Do you have family that lives nearby?
> 
> Have you ever thought of volunteering to help people?


Yeah, I'm not ready to rush into another big relationship with women. Forming new, mainly male friendships is part of me getting my sh*it back together and being distracted in another LTR before taking care of myself will only find me repeating the same, unhealthy behaviors as before.

I do have family nearby. I have spent time with my mom 1-2x a week and I even still have a healthy friendship with my ex in-laws. So while those things have been good for me, I don't want to limit myself.

I forgot about volunteering. Good idea. I must admit I am currently a bit selfish in wanting to improve myself as I regain my self-worth and confidence. But helping others selflessly has many good benefits too.

I am finding out that I may have to be the initiator on making these friendships and making the extra effort to invite new connections to hang out and do things with me which will be a challenge towards my introverted nature.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

OnTheFly said:


> As I was reading the OP, I was thinking, ''this guy needs to take the Myers-Briggs to see where he falls in the personality traits". And then you say you are an introvert. This does explain some things. If you take the test, it might help you see how you best deal with people. I'm an introvert, so dealing with people one on one is better than dealing with large groups. I'm a member of a few meet up groups, mostly for hiking and camping. I meet a lot of people, but quickly sort out who I can talk to and potentially be friends with.
> 
> It seems, generally, you have a handle on the situation…..just more time is needed, perhaps.


Yes!
I am an ISFP. 

Introverted, an adventurer. I avoid conflict like the plague (working on changing that) with a live, let live attitude (not changing that, haha).

While I'm not a strong introvert, I do struggle with the initial introductions that I am hesitant/shy/ lacking confidence in. I believe the confidence is playing a factor in this. And yes, I do much better one-on-one than in large groups.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

You joined a dance class to meet male friends? Are you sure that's where you want to go? You might get more than you bargained for. :wink2:


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## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

Something activity based is probably the best route for making new male friends. You may have to start a new hobby if making connections is important to you. I met a lot of guys and made a couple of good guy friends a few years ago when I got into road cycling and joined the local cycling club. I recently made some good connections (I'm married with a couple little ones, so I don't have time ATM to develop new friendships) recently just by joining a local car club and being active on their facebook group.

What are your interests/hobbies?

I've found that maturity level and interests have more to do with male friendship connections than age. I've made some friends 15 yrs my senior or junior in recent years.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

MikeinTexas said:


> Yes!
> I am an ISFP.


Lol, INFP here….I feel ya, brother!


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> You joined a dance class to meet male friends? Are you sure that's where you want to go? You might get more than you bargained for. :wink2:


Ha! Yeah, I better clarify!

The dance class was more of something I've been wanting to do for a long time. Ive stuck with the class longer than I expected, so making friends ( both women and men) was the unexpected part.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

PaulB said:


> What are your interests/hobbies?
> 
> I've found that maturity level and interests have more to do with male friendship connections than age. I've made some friends 15 yrs my senior or junior in recent years.


Good question. Currently I:

1. Workout
2. Dance class
3. Painting
4. Gaming
5. Playing my drums and bass Guitar
6. Traveling

Tinkered with and would like to get back into:

1. Mountain Biking/ Cycling
2. Beer Brewing
3. Softball, sand volleyball, flag football

I love the outdoors but it's currently hot AF right now!

I do enjoy movies and discussing afterwards.

Hmmm...nothing else comes to mind at the moment.
Not a bookworm. I fall asleep in 5 min. haha

My kids (12 and 17) keep me busy during the school year, but are gone to see their mom during the holidays. So just trying to discover new things while I have the free time right now.

But I can't be the only middle-aged guy looking to make male friends!?! Where the hell are they at? :wink2:

Just went on Facebook and joined a couple of Groups (social, biking). But I was hoping to find more.

I'll look into volunteering today too.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

good on you that you don't want to get involved in a man/woman relationship.

I see too many guys rush out to do exactly this.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Mike, do you play any sports? Softball, etc? Or darts or pool? Consider joining a league perhaps? Something team oriented?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Rugby has plenty of male bonding over ridiculous quantities of beer.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I always had close friends. I moved to another State when I was 58. A usual, a made new friends quickly since I am always the funny one in the group and have lots of stories about my trips to 21 countries an other wild adventures that I call my life. Plus I have been in IT for 50 years an everyone wants a friend who can fix their computer. . 

My first new friend ended up being a registered sex offender.
My second new friend died 4 days after we went out to dinner to introduce our wives to each other.
My third new friend had a massive heart attack and is homebound now.
My fourth new friend was arrested to flashing women at our local pool and outside of a supermarket. He left the State rather than face jail time. Turned out that he was arrested in another State for the same thing. 
My fifth new friend decided that he wanted to move back to his home State.
My sixth new friend went deaf and no longer wanted to go out since he could not hear and felt out of what was going on.

After that I gave up on making new friends until I retired. I retired last week so I will give it a try again. Maybe I will have better luck this time.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think you are doing great.. So many interests.. I would try meet-up again. I know you said it's geared to older or younger but try some older groups.. There could be a 'young' 50 yr old that you connect with in the group. I met some older women in groups that I enjoy talking with. Also you are very active-- or interested in. Try one of those active groups in meet-up. Some of them get together on the weekend to hike, bike or whatever it is. 

And then there are softball leagues around that you would have to call around and see. I know my nephews are on a team that is all ages and it seems like they are needing players here and there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MikeinTexas said:


> I joined a Meetup group in my area, but I'm apparently too damn picky and feel many of the groups are not in my age bracket. There is a social group that meets, but they are Either too young (20's) or too old ( 50's +). I probably shouldn't be too picky or stubborn about this.


You probably should not be so picky about age. It's more about stages of life, meaning it will be able to make friends more easily with other single men regardless of their age than married men.

Further, if you make friend with some of them, they might start inviting you to things that involve others in their lives. For example you could get invited to a party that one of them is having. That way you can expand the group that you meet. 

For example I'm 68. I have a son who is 29 and working on a Phd. So if I were to invite you to a party at my home. My son and his friends from the university would be there. This includes a lot of people in the age ranges from their late 20's to about 45. They are not all students. Some are the professors/advisors. Then there are the people from the place I retired from recently.. most are in their 40's.

Further, the woman who has been my best friend since 1996 is 15 years younger than I am. Sometimes age makes little difference.

You are limiting yourself, closing the door on potential social connections before they even get a chance to form.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hey Mike - was in your situation a few years ago when my wife and I decided to move back to our home city . I still have friends from HS and college in the area but most are disbursed or living far enough away from my town that we only get together occasionally (once or twice a month). Having kids definitely helps because you'll always be around other parents and your kids will have friends, etc.

However even if you don't have kids there are many ways to meet people. Not all have to be 'friends' right away but given some time and common interests and a bit of putting yourself out there you'll eventually find people. Age should be largely irrelevant by the time your 40 so don't shy from older or younger people. They won't care so why should you? 

Some things that work for me - my small town has a very active JC group so getting involved in local civic organizations helps and I've met a lot of people there. I play pickup basketball regularly. Church can be great community if you are active. I sign up for random things all the time too - having a great time this summer in a new bocce league (hey - don't 'knock' it  ) and our team regularly grabs drinks during and after a game.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OnTheFly said:


> Lol, INFP here….I feel ya, brother!


Same. The struggle is real


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

Being social is a skill. If you suck at it, try working on it and putting things into practice. Force yourself out of your shell.

Apps - We3 to create a tribe of 3, Bumble has a BFF feature instead of dating, Facebook events or nearify, reach out to others that are interested in the event and offer to meet up

You mentioned the meetup site, this one is great. What are your hobbies? What are you good at? Find events that are inline with your strengths so you have confidence. For example I'm going to a volleyball meetup tonight.

Use dating apps just to make friends (that are girls), but don't date them. This will raise your attraction stock greatly when other women see you around a group of girls.

Join a pick sports game like soccer or a co-ed sports league.

Go to church.

Ask someone at work if they want to hang out afterwards. If you ask others questions and listen you'll be surprised how much you have in common. Again it is a skill, think a little like a sales person.

Take some courses on networking, public speaking, and leadership.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MikeinTexas said:


> I could use advice on making new friends,


Volunteering is a good place to start. Try to find out if your local church has any community projects, and it works best if you have a valuable skill set to contribute without requiring much oversight. If someone has to manage and oversee your volunteering work, it then becomes challenging to accommodate the idea of making friends. 

For example I am good at graphic design and can help create social media for my church's endeavors. That gives me a meaningful purpose to set out with my DSLR camera and create media within the community.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I find male friends are different than female friends. Male friends get together to do something (golf, baseball, etc.) but there is very little after. 

Female friends will get together for coffee. Text back and forth during the week about random things. 

The only socializing I do with guys, outside of golfing, is when the women arrange for couples to do something together.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Mike the only way to make new friends is to just keep putting yourself out there. I was like you. I had lots of friends growing up. Once I got married and had kids, I lost touch with most of them. When I was married I really only made one friend outside of my wife. When I got divorced I moved away from him as well. I moved over two hours away. I went from a quiet country living, to life in the big city. I knew no one. But since then, I have made lots of new friends. I have also had more than that pass thru my life. You have to just keep trying them on like shoes, until you find some that fit.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm also quite introverted and, though I am a woman, have found success with friends by doing the things I like to do and joining those activities.

From a friend perspective why must they be your age? I have friends of all ages and I know the men in my running groups hang out.

I also cycle some and there are lots of people who cycle, so i join groups sometimes. What does it matter how old people are? Unless you're clubbing or trying to do something that only 20 somethings like to do there should be a mix of ages.

Find an activity that you enjoy and that people of all ages enjoy, then join a group.

Or start your own meetup group. There are always others out there.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

MikeinTexas said:


> Yeah, I'm not ready to rush into another big relationship with women. Forming new, mainly male friendships is part of me getting my sh*it back together and being distracted in another LTR before taking care of myself will only find me repeating the same, unhealthy behaviors as before.
> 
> I do have family nearby. I have spent time with my mom 1-2x a week and I even still have a healthy friendship with my ex in-laws. So while those things have been good for me, I don't want to limit myself.
> 
> ...


Mike, helping others and being a part of something bigger than yourself is a huge part of reintegration and healing the right way. I can tell that you have a very healthy mindset and a wise outlook. 

Sounds like it's time to rehash the old friendships. The only problem is many of your old friends are probably live in the family life right now. If that's the case time will be limited with them. 

Meet up groups are fine, but the reason I like the suggestion of service work is because it is task oriented and gives you a focus with other good people around you. You did not mention church in your post, but if you are open to going to church that is another great community where people work together for the common good, and in doing so build on fellowship. I admire my friends at church because they are good, genuine, down-to-earth people. Pure hearts. Of course you could also find community in other service organizations such as Rotary club or participating in a charity that has a lot of meaning to you, such as the cancer society. 

Best of luck to you.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

A few observations.

The vast majority of people I know in their 40s are married and have families. Their spouse and children consume a large portion of their social time and a large portion of what is left over consists of social activities with other families. At that age, we used to joke that most our friends are the parents of our children's friends. As you get a little older that starts to shift.

Definitely broaden your age range. Now that we are in our 50s, a lot of our friends are also in their 50s, but many are in their 20s and 30s. These are often young married couples without kids. Once they start having kids, we see a LOT less of them. We choose who we hang out with less by their age and more by our enjoying shared activities. 

Don't be completely adverse to female friends. I have lots of female friends and my wife has lots of male friends. Being friends with someone of a different gender doesn't mean that it has to be a romantic relationship. I'm sure that it is a little easier with married people because there is a clear and obvious separation whereas two unmarried people might constantly wonder if the other is shifting their goals. Still, I had many single female friends (most of whom I'm still friends with) before I met my wife. I don't recall their ever being any confusion.

I like the meet-up suggestions you are getting. I'd even expand beyond official meet-ups. Take up hobbies. Whatever interests you. Off-roading, sailing, fishing, MMA, board games, auto-cross, photography, bird watching, cross-fit, or whatever floats your boat. When you get out and do things you enjoy, you often meet other people doing the same things, which is a great way to meet new friends. 

Also, be socially aggressive. Ask other guys "out". Not on a date, but ask them if they want to go do "whatever it is you like doing". Host. Host a football watching party. Host a Labor Day party. Actively pursue friendships. 

Most of all, just relax. Go out and live your life. As long as your hobbies don't keep you in your cave, you should be able to meet people. Oh, and be nice. People like nice people.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Man, I really appreciate everyone's input.

Also, I've realized I made a mistake.

I mentioned that I do not prefer befriending older people. Yikes. I meant in no way regarding friendships. My head at the moment had to have been wrapped up with the Social Dating groups on FB and Meetup I've seen lately. I am doing my best to avoid anything serious with dating right now. 
So I apologize for incorrectly stating that I prefer to be friends ONLY with people my age. I'm much more open-minded when it comes to friendships. Younger people tend to keep me "acting young" and older people are so amazingly wise and I enjoy listening to their stories and their advice. 
So age has no preference in friendships for me!

If I offended anyone, I am sincerely sorry.

I signed up for my local pet CAPS to volunteer taking care of the animals there. I have an orientation next week. I didn't know about Rotary Clubs so I'll check into that too. As for Church, I am currently "agnostic" (grew up Catholic) so I am a little hesitant of being approached by anyone being preachy. But if so, maybe it would be a good opportunity for me to practice having conversations since I can sometimes avoid conflict ( I'm working to change this).

I'm completely fine "asking fellas" out. I just need to initiate this. I am aware many of the guys are busy with family so I do expect a challenge.
And throwing a party or having a get together at my place is a damn GOOD idea. I've done this when I was in relationships, who says it has to stop there, right?

I'm quite a friendly, fun and nice guy. I've always been this way. So it's frustrating that when I step back and look at myself, I ask myself how the hell did I currently allow myself to have little to no real, close friends.

Finally.... as for women friendships, I am completely fine with keeping it strictly as friends from the beginning. And IF something builds on that over time, I'm fine with that. I am hoping my next relationship down the road initially stems from being friends first. Historically, my better relationships were born from being friends first.

I guess my reasoning for focusing on men is to help rebuild my self-esteem and to begin shaking some of my "Mr. Nice Guy" issues. I have plenty of female friends at work and I always make friends easier with them than the guys. I believe spending some quality time with men will help me reconnect with my male, masculine qualities that I believe may have been covered up with years of being around women/exwf/wxgf too much(my fault!). Am I making any sense here?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your female friends at work will have all the low-down on who's going through what. Just listen. If they should mention that JohnDoe's wife is ill or he is recently widowed or going through a divorce, ask the guy out for lunch or a drink after work. They'll appreciate the offer and companionship and a friendly ear. To have friends, you have to be a friend.

You seem to have a lot of solo activities such as painting, gaming and playing instruments. Expand your horizons. Also, carefully examine just how much time you want to devote to friendships. What are you looking to get out of a friendship i.e. once a week get together, or less often (more often) - during an activity or just to chat and kvetch. Knowing what you want will help you to achieve your goals. It is also ok to have friends that serve different purposes.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

VermiciousKnid said:


> You joined a dance class to meet male friends? Are you sure that's where you want to go? You might get more than you bargained for. :wink2:


Just what I was thinking too!

try a 4x4 desert exploring club, woodworking, fishing, shoot, softball league.

Anything but dancing for crissakes.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

michzz said:


> Just what I was thinking too!
> 
> try a 4x4 desert exploring club, woodworking, fishing, shoot, softball league.
> 
> Anything but dancing for crissakes.


Adult soccer leagues are great too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Go buy a set of golf clubs, @MikeinTexas ~ go take a few refresher lessons, then go get an early morning tee time, give me a call, and I'll be right over!*


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Adult soccer leagues are great too.


I tried that one year and would swear that I had several minor heart attacks over the course of the season. :wink2:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I tried that one year and would swear that I had several minor heart attacks over the course of the season. :wink2:


I played on a women's league and the men played on the field next to us. 

The women are just as aggressive if not more, but the language on the men's field was much worse >


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

The best way to make friends is to do activities where you see the same people over and over. Compatible people will gravitate together and friendships will form naturally. I personally don't like things like networking parties since the focus is too much on meeting people. I'd rather just be doing something and get to know people along the way.

You sound athletic, so there are many opportunities that way. Join a small-group fitness class like boot camp or something. Many sports have leagues. Contact the league and see if a team is looking for players. Often, the team goes for drinks after the game. Contact cycling shops to see what sort of organized rides are in your area. A multi-hour ride gives you plenty of time to talk with the other riders.

If you are good with building stuff, Habitat for Humanity is a good way to work with a bunch of guys on a regular basis.

As you've seen, it's not as easy to form deep friendships later in life. Most people have a full plate of obligations and can't find the time to hang with their existing friends. It's likely that you'll make new friends, but it will be more of a superficial relationship.


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## Tknight (Jul 30, 2018)

1) Definitely agree with the posts above. Join the beer leagues, play in various mixed adult sports. Then after the game ask who wants to go for beer and wings. Keep doing that. Then start setting up one on ones. Bring em' over to your man cave. If you don't have one, get to work. 

2) Business. If you start your own company doing something you love or join another business it's a great way to network and meet new people. 

3) If you go to a pub alone, sit at the bar, never at a private table. Keep your phone away. If you overhear a conversation and have input, speak out. I know it's tough as an introvert but you're going to have to step outside of your box a bit. 

4) Being a smoker I always meet new people outside having a puff...even when I don't want to lol. Especially as a pot smoker. I don't recommend starting smoking just for that, but don't be afraid to go outside for fresh air and hang out with them. 

5) When you meet someone new immediately ask their name, and repeat it outloud to help register it in your head. Don't wait for them to ask for yours. Then next time you see them say their name outloud. Everybody loves it when someone says their name, it's a powerful simple way to create a connection.

Don't rush making new friends like an old roommate I had. You will get taken advantage of if you don't pay attention. 
I ain't religious but if you are church is an easy way to meet people. Or become a Freemason. 

Lastly, when you meet someone you really get along with and can trust, get drunk with them. This, in my opinion, is an easy way to create opportunity for intimicy between men, provided you don't fight each other. 

Good luck.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you like to tinker with mechanical stuff you can do RC airplanes. There are plenty of established RC flying clubs in Texas. The club I'm in is filled with dudes from young to old.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Is there a chance you could get to know some of your kids friend's parents? That's where a lot of my adult friends have come from.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i would say...find people with similar interests, and do stuff with them.

if you like working out, join a group training session at the gym with the same guys every time.

Like outdoor sports, join a hiking or skiing group

Like shooting, join a local gun range and GO to the meetings

and so on. Do not necessarily go looking for new friends....instead go looking for hobbies you are interested in...and befriend those you find that are similarly interested in them


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Missed your thread.
Can relate to how it is. I'm not picky about age so much as maturity and a mind open for discussion. 
It is harder as one gains knowledge or gets older.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

as others have said...join some groups!
Knights of Columbus, rotary, oddfellows, elks, volunteer at church/other charities, donate time at habitat for humanity, take some courses at the local university at night. In other words...do not just go out looking for buds to party with....DO something you enjoy, and in doing it, you will find like minded buds to hang out with!


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