# Online dating advice for a newbie!



## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi
I am separated and have been out of the dating world since 1995. Times have changed! I am olderand not interested in the bar scene anymore, and online dating seems to be popular?!

I met someone in particular that I found interesting. We traded a few lengthy emails and even spoke on the phone on two occasions. We seem to have a lot in common and conversation flowed easily. This is all over the last 7 days...


I asked her to speak initially, the call went well, etc.

We started playing Words With Friends (Scrabble) and had some fun banter, etc.

Moving the texts to our phones, she initated a few, I initaitated a few more.

Sunday, I asked her to call me and say hello (even if it was for a few minutes) - she was out with her son,etc. said she will...and did.

We ended up talking for 2 hours (until midnight)
and 5 mins after we hung up the phone, she texted me "You're pretty fun to talk to (smiley face) Night!

Yesterday (monday) Neither of us called one another....I thought about her all day, but figured I'd slow down and see if she would reach out....she didnt...

PS in the conversation, I asked her to get together, she said, Yes, absolutely....no firm plans were set...


I sent her a small joke about a subject we discussed during the previous texts and on the phone ....she laughed (lots of hahahahaha!  type repsonses...I know she is at work, etc...

This entire process is so new and confusing, I do not want to ruin it, but wish I received a little more....

I am being critical, but am excited...

Any ideas on how to turn the table a little and see how interested she may be with me? I know I could just ask her out, however, Id like to get a better sense of her thoughts, etc.

any help


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh and this


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Thank you for such an open and honest response. Let me ask you a question, I plan to offer a specific a date, time, etc. do I suggest more than one date and time? What is a typical or normal amount of communication, etc between now and a potential date? Even if this isn't the one (very likely) going forward, what is appropriate amount of dialog?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not that I'm any expert but my gut says to lay low for a few days so she knows you're not a stalker. If she doesn't reach out to you by Thursday, go ahead and text her. But don't ask for a date for this weekend. You're too busy for short notice dates man!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Sunday brunch is a great way to get together. I'd throw it out there, see if she bites.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Great advice. Just stinks because, in our discussions I can tell we are both pretty easy going people. We clicked, etc. just wish there wasnt a game required?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Good point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

Agree with SeaMaiden. Sounds like she is probably wondering why you haven't asked her out on a "date" yet--it IS called online _dating_ 

Sounds like you really hit it off, set a date! 

When I did online dating (where I met my SO), I learned to avoid all the non-face-to-face contact and just meet them for coffee sometime. Because there were so many times I spent hours on the phone with someone, got all excited to meet them, then by the first few minutes with them (if not sooner), they were nothing like I imagined (not physical looks, but personality, demeanor, etc.). You will find someone you like eventually, but if she isn't what you hoped for, please don't get frustrated. I never really got much out of online dating until I changed my attitude and took it much more lightly-- my theory was, you will at least have some funny stories to tell your friends along the way (and oh did I have some funny ones!).

good luck, and have fun!


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Amax said:


> I thought about her all day..
> I am being critical, but am excited...


Lower your expectations.

Most people you meet on those dating sights are not as they seem.

Expect the worst, hope for the best and you won't be shellshocked at that first meetup which should be arranged as something "short, fast and noncommital".


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

I met my gf online. She almost blocked me because I like to argue with people. If you say murder is wrong, I'll put a lot of work into arguing that murder is not wrong.



SeaMaiden said:


> Online dating can be a crap shoot - I met alot of what I initially thought were nice guys who turned out to be wackos. LOL But I did meet my husband on there - we chatted back and forth a bit one day and I broke my own rule of meeting someone right away, we met for appetizers at a local restaurant that day and hit it off immediately. But I can tell you from experience that *women will generally be more cautious with online dating and "drag out" the initial talking, getting-to-know-you phase until they are comfortable with you*.


I'm starting to understand why women do this. Writing things on a computer or with a pen takes a considerable amount of brain power because written and spoken language are completely different. Spelling, punctuation, and capitalization are important in written language. Being able to write properly means the person can start with an idea in their head and turn it into something other people can understand. 

Suppose a woman receives this message: "hey u r pretty let's eat lunch"
Based on that, how good do you think that man can express what he's thinking? If he were upset about something, do you think he would be able to express it in a way other people can empathize with, or do you think he would resort to yelling and throwing things because that's the only way to express what he's feeling? This is why babies cry about minor things. Crying is their only form of communication. They would get your attention in other ways if they knew how, but they don't.


Other things about online dating:
Put your best pictures first. For men, don't smile. Quite a few studies have come to the conclusion that men are more attractive when they don't smile, and they should not look directly at the camera. Conversely, women are more attractive when they smile and look directly at the camera. Your pictures shouldn't completely hide your negative traits. Instead of a fat person posting just a face shot, they should have a body shot that looks as good as possible. A picture of a fat guy in a nice suit shows that the guy is a little heavy, but he can still look good.



> I sent her a small joke about a subject we discussed during the previous texts and on the phone ....she laughed (lots of hahahahaha! type repsonses...I know she is at work, etc...


This is a mixed signal. 
-she replies to indicate she is not ignoring you
-she gives short replies to indicate she is not interested in talking at this time
From here, all I can say is don't hassle her too much. You constantly initiating conversations looks needy.



> Not that I'm any expert but my gut says to *lay low for a few days so she knows you're not a stalker*. If she doesn't reach out to you by Thursday, go ahead and text her. But don't ask for a date for this weekend. You're too busy for short notice dates man!


Bolded. I know it's lame to play games, but sometimes games are important. If she asks you out on very short notice and it looks like you're the backup guy, say yes but give some kind of condition. "Sure, I just need to finish ____." It should never look like you are available 24/7 and you should never cancel existing plans. Canceling plans makes it look like you're starved for human interaction. That might even be true, but you shouldn't let other people know that.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Great advice everyone! I Love the different perspectives


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> Instead of a fat person posting just a face shot, they should have a body shot that looks as good as possible. A picture of a fat guy in a nice suit shows that the guy is a little heavy, but he can still look good.


Fat guys don't need to waste their valuable time posing for pictures that show them looking good in a nice suit. Additionally they don't need to spend countless hours messaging women who won't respond because the competition is fierce among men on dating sites and the fat guys aren't going to get any dates. 

Fat guys should use all that saved time and effort to get involved in some sort of fitness program. Get in shape and THEN go and post a nice profile filled with pictures and watch that inbox start to fill up.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

UPDATE****
I asked her out telling her"I appreciate the scheduling diffculties being a single / primary parent, etc. and that I'd like to meet her out, I like talking to her, smart personality, funny, etc., any interest, etc.....blah blah blah....this is a paraphrased / condensed version....she wrote back
"Absolutely. I cant this Friday. I might be able to meet up Saturday for a bit if my ex can take my son. Let me find out and let you know:

I threw out some lame joke about being anxious and calling my doctor for an anti-anxiety pill ( small stupid convo we had)
She wrote "Lol!"

I said, "im selective, what can I say!" jokingly

She wrote..."you're silly and I am flattered"

Where does this stand? Just wait for her at this point?


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Any ideas? I hate online dating. Still have t heard from her. Am I being "impatient"? Is this typical?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Personally I think it's better not to spend too much time (either altogether or the # of days) in non face-to-face communication. An email or two, a phone conversation of about 20 minutes to 1/2 hour and then a meet up is more prudent. The problem with all the communication is that you end up being heavily invested before even meeting the person, and also you have formed a picture of the person before meeting, and lastly you have built a relational style where the amount of info you have shared via verbal (talking or written) is heavily outweighing what you know from face-to-face non-verbal communication. This can lead to too much focus on conversation and too little connecting because you'll tend towards what's most comfortable when you do meet in person, to avoid awkwardness.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm glad you found someone you're so enamoured with but proceed carefully. It's been my experience people on these sites are very superficial and judge others quickly. Although that doesn't sound like your case with this lady. I tried them for awhile and quit. I'd much rather meet people the old-fashioned way. But like someone said earlier, be prepared. I hope yall have exchanged pictures already so it's not like a blind date or something.

And yes...you are being a little impatient. You haven't heard from in her in only 23 hours (12 of which were sleep time) and you're worrying yourself about it.

It's like going to shop for a new car...if you fall in love with one particular car right away, they've got you hooked. Be flexible.

Good luck!


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Homemaker & beach guy 
You are both so dead on. I guess I have lost touch with this type of life after 17 years! Thanks for very good advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Amax said:


> Any ideas? I hate online dating. Still have t heard from her. Am I being "impatient"? Is this typical?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd say your responses are at the more extreme end of typical.

You haven't even met this woman yet and you're acting like you won't make it through another day without hearing from her.

You need to be more realistic. Statistically somewhere around 1 out of 10 first meetups proceed to another one. The low success rate is due primarily to people misrepresenting themselves, or lack of chemistry, or people just don't click.

You've got this idea in your head that you have met "the one" and you're just setting yourself up for a big fall.

My advice would be to continue messaging women on the dating sites and try to set up other first meets. 

Online dating is all about the numbers. The more women you contact, the better the odds that you'll find one with whom you can go the distance.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

The extreme side is accurate. 

I asked her to give me a call if she has a free moment and she wrote 
"ok, cool "

I agree with your assessment about putting too much stock in one place, just am very picky and think I found a nice match. I know, it doesn't mean she feels that way and the odds are small- but hey, I'm a one at a time guy- a glutten for punishment!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Amax said:


> but hey, I'm a one at a time guy- a glutten for punishment!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One at a time guy applies perfectly. To RELATIONSHIPS, not online dating.

Lots of time is wasted while you wait around for her to make the next move and like I said the odds are nothing will come of this.

When I'm actively dating (I'm not, I'm 6 months into a new one), I'm not single very long. I'll send out a dozen messages in a day, message back and forth with a handful of women and have at least one or two first dates set up for the following week.

Online dating is all in the numbers.

Lose the old 'one at a time' way of thinking, because life is short and time is one of the most valuable commodities.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

kindi said:


> I'd say your responses are at the more extreme end of typical.
> 
> You haven't even met this woman yet and you're acting like you won't make it through another day without hearing from her.
> 
> ...


I agree with all this. Even if you do meet someone that you get along with, and proceed, just because you met them on a site that does matching and you have done some up-front compatability screening doesn't mean everything is going to be cool and easy. You will have to go through bonding and boundary setting and privacy issues and all the other stuff that happens in real relationships, and it will be even a bit more difficult because after all you have met this person outside of your normal day to day life. It takes a stiff upper lip to be in a new dating relationship, you have to be patient, not take things personally, not assume that moving forward is a sure thing, explore physical compatability, and give the other person room to continue to date others for a bit, while still advocating for what you want, if a relationship with this person is really what you want, after finding out more about her (or him, as the case may be.) Everyone has some neurotic tendencies, so expect to be exposed to them, and to come to know them, either up front (if you're lucky) or by discovery...what sort of behavior is due to you, due to the situation, and then due to your date's own personality and traits of how they relate to their world...

I personally think it's a good idea to have good friends of the opposite sex that you go out with socially. This puts things in perspective, in your relationship. Honestly, the only difference I see/experience between a friendship and a relationship where you're friends and lovers, is the physical attraction and compatability, at least when it comes to dating. Later on you can discuss things like combined households and making the relationship permanent formally in whatever way you choose, but at the outset, you really have to treat your date as though they were a good friend, and give them the benefit of the doubt for a while...if you're not feeling it, regardless of how many good qualities the person has, then trust your judgement and move on. You owe it to yourself to be in a relationship where you DO 'feel it.' You will know what 'it' is when you feel it. It's not just making things work and feeling secure, it's the feeling of a real relationship with a real person where you feel motivated to accept the risks and the iffy feelings because honestly, there is such as thing as the real thing, but there is never such a thing as the sure thing. Seeking to alleviate barriers to the 'sure thing' will inevitably always end in disaster, but seeking to alleviate barriers to the 'real thing' most of which are internal and then in your own relational style, usually ends well, even if the relationship does not thrive after all.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

I'd also like to add a few more points.

Just because you are content with only focusing on one woman at a time, don't think for a minute she's only focusing on YOU. Most people who are experienced with online dating have long since learned not to put all their eggs in one basket. Good chance she's chatting with other guys besides you, perhaps her vague response to your suggestion that she call is due to the fact that she wants to see how it works out with one or more of the other guys she's talking to.

I read the online forums on a popular free online dating site and there are so many stories that go along the lines of "we were chatting back and forth for weeks and things were going great and we were planning on setting up a first date and then he or she suddenly disappeared!". They're either dead or in a coma from a major car accident, or they suddenly realized they were gay, or they decided to join a monestary. Or.. more likely they found someone they liked better who they started chatting with right around the same time as you.. or they reconciled with a recent ex.. You get the idea.

When you focus on only one person and you start getting excited and you start fantasizing and playing it all up in your mind, well it's going to show.. whether it's your tone of voice in a phone call, or your body language during the first meetup, or even the way you write a text or chat message. If you come across as too eager, or even desperate, it's going to be a dealbreaker. When you've got a few things going at the same time, no one woman is going to be of such importance that the pressure is going to be on.

You will know in your head that, well, if this date doesn't work out, it's on to plan B, and C and etc.

It takes the pressure off. You come across much more confident because, well you ARE confident. 

And in the common scenario when this "thing" walks into the restaurant, who weighs 100 lbs and is 10 years older than those "recent pictures" on the dating profile, you can sort of chuckle to yourself, make small talk for 10 minutes and get the heck out of there so you can get back to chatting up more women, rather than stumbling out of there in a state of shock and realizing some deceptive loser wasted a few weeks of your life. I wish I was not speaking from personal experience on this one.

By chatting with several women on the dating sites, you gain experience, you learn what "works" and what doesn't work when trying to get to know these women. By sitting there waiting for your phone to ring and not keeping yourself out there, you're only learning how to "be patient".

That won't get you very far.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Update
I sent a text asking her to call me later is she has some free time. Response was "ok cool "

I never received a call 
Guess its dead. She never got back to me about Saturday either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Truth is, I've been on a few (non online) dates where I didn't feel the vibe. The online game is "window shopping" it's cold and very much a numbers game as some have mentioned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Do I text her? I'm guessing no way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

sounds like fun and a good way to get you started and get your mind off the old and in to the new. If you are really looking for a real life relationship, I think you need to meet people face to face. It seems fun and safe and all. Not very real.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

I don't think I understand your point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Update. Taking people's advice and contacting others. I sent this to the one i was interested in. She was supposed to
Let me know about Saturday night and it is already 2pm Friday? I have nothing to lose, right?
Was this inappropriate?



Hello,
I just wanted to touch base with you regarding Saturday. I completely understand if there is a scheduling issue with your son. I want to tell you that although the online dating world is like window shopping and full of guarded and sometimes hardened people (for which I have been as well) wanted to tell you that I really enjoy talking with you (especially, last Sunday evening) more than I have with anyone in a very long time. *I really believe that you and I have the same basic view of the world and can laugh and make a little fun of ourselves along the way. However, I am a realist. *It takes way more than that to create a nice match or even new friend. * I understand how it feels to be chatting away with someone who you can tell likes you more than you like them, etc. I am not sure if you feel that way towards me - however, to be honest and wear my heart on my sleeve, kind of see you as a step above the rest (at least at this point). I am not needy or dying to jump into a quick Vegas wedding at all . I actually liked your approach in looking for a friend and building from there. I just ask if you could behonest as to whether you are interested in me or sort of "eh" about it. No offense taken. I promise you that. Sometimes timing is everything, and with this method of dating, some are bombarded carrying multiple conversations at the same time, etc. I am not, although I have had a few, just none as exciting for me as you 
I would just appreciate a little honest insight to how you see me? I hope the feeling is mutual, but would understand completely if it is not.
"her name", I hope youre having a nice day 
From (not an overly eager or desperate man, just an interested one)
"my name" 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IMO it's too much for a before meeting. She hasn't been around you in person yet. She can't honestly make any assessments until at least the face to face.

You sound too eager beaver here.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> IMO it's too much for a before meeting. She hasn't been around you in person yet. She can't honestly make any assessments until at least the face to face.
> 
> You sound too eager beaver here.


To eager if she was to let me know about a sat night?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amax said:


> To eager if she was to let me know about a sat night?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. All of your 'just be honest' talk is too much. It would turn me off or make me think you're just a little too desperate to go right into a relationship and we haven't even officially met yet. Only via email and such.

Understanding scheduling for the son? Good.

Saying you enjoyed the convo last Sunday? Good.

The being a realist, the heart on your sleeve, the just be upfront pleadings? No good.

The 'I'm not needy' proclaimation? No good.

Some things she needs to find out about you on her own. All of that sounds like you're in some advertisement. Or like the kid wanting to be chosen for kick ball.

Pick me! Pick me!! They never get picked first.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

You made some excellent points. You Looked at it with an objective point of view rather than my own view which for which I need to presume that she doesn't understand my personality yet. I guess I blew it with this one and I have to chalk it up as a lesson learned
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amax said:


> You made some excellent points. You Looked at it with an objective point of view rather than my own view which for which I need to presume that she doesn't understand my personality yet. I guess I blew it with this one and I have to chalk it up as a lesson learned
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well if you don't hear anything from her, at least you'll know why. 

You're new at this. It's okay... you'll get better at it as you go. Don't get discouraged.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Do you really find it that bad? I
Does anyone else see it differently?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You blew it. You couldn't just lay low could you? Sounds like an eager puppy. She probably thinks you're a stalker now. 

The ball was in her court. Still is. Now, no contact until she contacts you. If she doesn't then ignore her for at least a month. Then you can send a fishing message of no more than 10 words...and no followup unless she messages back.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok, I have recently been in the online dating game and will give you the benefit of my experience. 

First, unlike many of the posts above, I found it fun and efficient. I went out with scores of wonderful women. I met a few that were less than honest in their profiles and a few with whom there just wasn't any chemistry. I met several that I had multiple dates with and had a number wanting way more than I was interested in at the time. Broke a couple of heats and feel a little guilty about it. My current GF is an absolute doll! 

The keys to success in online dating are:

*1) Your Profile*- Write a profile that other are intrigued to read. You need a little humor in it. Also put something interesting in it to prompt further question. I put in a statement to ask me about the time I was pulled off a train in a foreign country at rifle point. Make your profile 100% honest. If I discovered deceit in the profile, they were history.

*2) Your emails*- When you reach out to someone via email, it should catch their attention and perhaps have some humor. It also should show that you read their profile. Any girls you want to meet will be receiving scores of emails. Yours needs to stand out. Forget pokes or winks, etc. Total waste of time

3) *the "meet"*- Do not spend days and days of texting and emailing. You can not get to know someone by texting and emailing. A couple back and forth, and than a call to set up a "meet". This is not a date. This is a very brief 30 min to 1 hour meeting for coffee or a glass of wine. Let her know this is the plan. Then stick to it. It allows you to see if there is any chemistry and whether they are who the appear to be. When the time is up, say good by. If you want to see them again, by all means text and see if they would like to go on a date. (dinner concert, anything else) This "meet" works well because the girl knows she is not investing hours of her time with you and gets a chance to size you up. The same is true for you! you're not stuck with a women who looks 10 years older than her profile pictures which were taken at the turn of the millennium! 

4) *Multiple option*- Keep looking and reaching out. Don't set you heart on one target at a time. it is a numbers game.

5) *Have fun-* if it isn't fun, you are doing it wrong!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amax said:


> *Do you really find it that bad?* I
> Does anyone else see it differently?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Coming from a female's perspective (and I'm all woman) 

YES. You don't sound alpha at all. I'm very attracted to alpha men like most women.

If I was single, regardless of our previous emails, chats, I wouldn't want to really invest anything until the face to face. Chemistry is super important to me... who knows, she may be the same way. Hell, you may meet her in person and get the sister vibe yourself. You just don't know.

You've given too much of yourself away with what you said above. I'm 42... not young but not old either. Sap out of the gate turns me off. Just my .02


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

First if all, I respect your opinion. Second, I am a far cry from Ryan Secrest. I am 6-1 athletic, clean cut, and not the typical jerk off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Amax said:


> Do you really that bad? I
> Does anyone else see it differently?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's terrible.

All those questions about how she feels about you, her interest levels. All you did was throw a few freaking messages back and forth on a dating sight for crying out loud!

When you state (more than once!) that you are not clingy, needy, or desperate- you come across as exactly that.

Next time keep all the stuff about feelings and questions about whether or not they like you until you're about 2 months into a relationship.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amax said:


> First if all, I respect your opinion. Second, I am a far cry from Ryan Secrest. I am 6-1 athletic, clean cut, and not the typical jerk off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks! Sounds good. But some mystery is fun. Let her peel the layers back on her own. KWIM?


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

kindi said:


> It's terrible.
> 
> All those questions about how she feels about you, her interest levels. All you did was throw a few freaking messages back and forth on a dating sight for crying out loud!
> 
> ...


We spoke for hours on the phone as well?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Thanks! Sounds good. But some mystery is fun. Let her peel the layers back on her own. KWIM?


You are right about the mystery part...I just felt it was slipping away and I had nothing to lose..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

kindi said:


> It's terrible.
> 
> All those questions about how she feels about you, her interest levels. All you did was throw a few freaking messages back and forth on a dating sight for crying out loud!
> 
> ...


How would you have handled it Romeo? I felt as though it was slipping away and had nothing to lose
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amax said:


> You are right about the mystery part...I just felt it was slipping away and I had nothing to lose..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well, IMO if your conversations didn't make her more interested, then I'm thinking it's just a fluke or she's a flaky type. It could be she's been super busy with other things too and can't and/or doesn't want to invest too much time with you presently.

I guess you'll just have to wait and see. If she hasn't contacted you by this evening, then I say she's not on board. Could it be based on your last message to her? Maybe. But it could be the other things I mentioned too.

ETA: You mention she has a kid. The best laid plans can be altered at any time when it comes to kids. This includes dating altogether.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

I did state I understand that. I also have 2 girls and am the primary parent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I met my new husband online. Listen to KanDo. He's right on target. A few emails/texts, maybe a phone call. Then set up a brief meeting, such as coffee. For one thing, emails and phone calls are a bit passive. Women want an alpha male who will take charge. If you are interested in a woman, ask her out. Sending emails and texts for weeks seems needy and too beta. Have some self-confidence! If she's interested and says yes to coffee, great! If not, you figure it out quickly and can move on to the next. Online dating is all about the numbers.

Women on dating sites get bombarded by emails and there is nothing worse than a guy who keeps pestering you when you aren't interested. The ball is and has been in her court. If she is interested, she'll let you know. Otherwise, move on.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

I did speak to her. Last Sunday for two hours- said let's get together. She said absolutely. On wed I said lets finalize, etc. she said she would get back to me and it's Friday?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amax said:


> I did speak to her. Last Sunday for two hours- said let's get together. She said absolutely. On *wed I said lets finalize, etc. she said she would get back to me* and it's Friday?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah but she didn't commit to any specific date or time. And if you look at it, didn't agree to anything other than getting together... did that mean this Saturday? Maybe she can't do it. Maybe she's not ready to yet. Maybe she said it to be polite. Don't know really... it's her call.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Amax - You aren't listening to the advice here. The ball is in HER court. If she is interested, she'll call you. Either she is not interested or she is busy with life and will get around to calling you when she has time. Whichever option is going on, it doesn't help for you to keep pestering her. You have more than stated your interest in her, there is nothing to be gained by asking over and over again for her to contact you.

I personally am a bit shy and don't like confrontation. There were a couple of times I went out with a guy or talked to him online and when he asked me out, I gave a vague answer "Sure, maybe" rather than just say "no". This probably wasn't fair but I hated to let the guy down. Usually he would contact me once more, I would ignore it and that was that. He got the message and moved on. Leave the woman alone and talk to some others. You WILL find other people worth your time as well.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Dating her would give her a chance to really decide whether she likes you. Save the games for when your married.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Absolutely. I can't this Friday. I might be able to meet up Saturday for a bit if my ex can take my son. Let me find out and let u know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Amax said:


> I did speak to her. Last Sunday for two hours- said let's get together. She said absolutely. On wed I said lets finalize, etc. she said she would get back to me and it's Friday?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe she's a bit nervous about it. Don't read into it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I *might* be able to meet up Saturday *for a bit *if my ex can take my son.* Let me find out and let u know*


See the bolded. 

She'll let you know. She hasn't. It's safe to assume it's not going to happen this late in the week. No?


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

You are correct. That's why I threw the last sappy text. I fu$ked it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And a sidebar note here...

If I was really interested, 'for a bit' wouldn't have been said. A bit??? Like I only have a few minutes to spare you??? 

She sounds very noncommital and polite to me.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

****update *****

She responded to my f'd up text. 

"So sorry. Hectic this week ugh. My ex said he can take my boy on Saturday. We can meet up for a drink if that works"

Now I am paranoid from all of your opinions ! 

My response should be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amax said:


> ****update *****
> 
> She responded to my f'd up text.
> 
> ...


No need to be paranoid! She explained her late response... she responded!!! She wants to meet up and that's what you want so offer the time and place for her to meet you.

Then.... go! Have fun.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Just don't be a sap in person. Be alpha... be yourself. The rest will fall in place.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

Thanks "A bit of much"
I appreciate your honesty, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Amax said:


> You are right about the mystery part...I just felt it was slipping away and I had nothing to lose..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not a good way to respond to a few days of silence.

People get busy, they might be working on other leads, don't take the attitude of "I better just go for broke because there's nothing to lose", because you just might screw up a good thing. Maintain your composure even if it appears that all is lost (because *gasp* you didn't hear from her for a few days..)

Also I didn't realize you spoke on the phone for a couple of hours. That's good, but it still doesn't justify you pouring your heart out to her and coming across as weak and insecure by asking her about her "feelings" and telling her about your own. 

Don't ever forget. Until you meet in person, it's not REAL.



Amax said:


> How would you have handled it Romeo? I felt as though it was slipping away and had nothing to lose
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad to hear she's still in the game.

I would handle it like I HAVE handled it, countless times before, and I enjoy a good success rate with dating so I'm not just throwing meaningless words up here.

Keep the messages relatively light and brief, and leave out questions about how she feels about you and don't tell her you're not a desperate and needy guy because that indicates that you feel the need to defend yourself and that just screams of insecurity.

When you finally get to that first date, even if it goes well, do not tell her you love her before you order dessert.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

That's actually funny. 
This is going to sound insane- but her reactions are so slow (hours go by) and short, even though she told me where she wants to go in another "brief" text, I'm starting to feel like canceling. She isn't receptive like she was last weekend, etc. 
One thing I forgot, she mentioned to me a "poker tell" she told me she dated a guy for three months but he accused her of being "distant" and she said, "why would he say that, I was working? I can't speak all day, etc. 
Kind of turns me off? Understandable? I think it's her personality, she's jaded, hardened by disappointments, etc. ? 
Any thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

How about she is just busy? Stop reading so much into this before you have even met her. It's just a meeting/date! Go back and read my post. Act like the strong, worthwhile man you are and also keep looking for other potential dates. Trust me. If you can hold a conversation and exude a little confidence, you will have to beat them off with a stick!

I KanDo and so can you!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Amax said:


> That's actually funny.
> This is going to sound insane- but her reactions are so slow (hours go by) and short, even though she told me where she wants to go in another "brief" text, I'm starting to feel like canceling. She isn't receptive like she was last weekend, etc.
> One thing I forgot, she mentioned to me a "poker tell" she told me she dated a guy for three months but he accused her of being "distant" and she said, "why would he say that, I was working? I can't speak all day, etc.
> Kind of turns me off? Understandable? I think it's her personality, she's jaded, hardened by disappointments, etc. ?
> ...


If she's working, she's working. Some people put their all into working and don't play around during their work time. Either you can accept that and not take it personally, or not. I don't see any reason why anyone should put a new relationship's communication before working, people have to support themselves and also set the precedent for the rest of the relationship. My ex was always trying to call me and talk and to message me and email me when I was working. I was a statistical programmer. Just can't keep getting interrupted doing that. What do you do for work that you can spend a lot of time communicating with someone socially?

Look, if she made a date with you she's going to give you some of her time. I'm not sure she has to be any more enthusiastic than getting her ex to take their son and making a firm date. What more do you want at this point?

If you're going to be insecure about someone who made a date with you, you might as well just hang up the towel and accept that you might not be ready for dating.

With the email you sent her, that long one, I think you could have summarized (and I'm someone who tends to be long in writing...) and just said...

"I am still open and very much looking forward to meeting you this weekend. How are your plans going for having some child-free time?"

The "open" and lack of mentioning any specific time or day lets her know you're not playing the field, she has first pick of any day or time.


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## Amax (Jul 24, 2012)

UPDATE*****

We met for over two hours over a smoothie. 
She didn't look like her picture at all.
We had a nice conversation but I was so stressed over nothing. it is amazing how I had a pit in my stomach leading up to it, yet when I met her had a pit in my stomach when I saw her in person. Her personality was very nice tho. She texted me a lot today and is "looking forward" to
another date. 
This online life is something else!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Great. Now Chillax! as the younger crowd might say ( that's chill and relax together for those of you from Rio Linda)


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amax said:


> UPDATE*****
> 
> We met for over two hours over a smoothie.
> She didn't look like her picture at all.
> ...


I sense a lack of chemistry here. On your part anyway...


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Amax said:


> UPDATE*****
> 
> We met for over two hours over a smoothie.
> She didn't look like her picture at all.


She looked nothing like her picture but "she had a nice personality". 

You're not going to settle for a deceptive fugly are you?


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