# Worked thru



## Swayne12 (Oct 7, 2021)

It's over thanks


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The time for you to do something was when she humiliated you in front of your friends. However you didn’t do anything. In fact you looked very weak in her eyes especially when her friend had to interrupt her little party.
Is this just an excuse for you to leave the marriage, is there someone else who has caught your eye and your trying to justify your feelings by bringing up something that happened two decades ago?
You were weak then and you’re still weak.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It sounds pathetic to be agonizing over that BS after this amount of time. The time to do something was back then. Your wife can’t invent a time machine. Get over it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You forgive the girlfriend for getting drunk and crawling on another guy and you forgive yourself for marrying a girl who got drunk and crawled on another guy and never offered a sincere apology.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Swayne,

Moments like that are like being dumped and stick in the mind.

Some data is missing.....

Is what is bothering you long term is that she never danced that way with you? 

Did you see passion and desire like you never saw he give to you?

Did you feel like the OMs were considered her soul mates by her?

Do you still live near the OMs and is it a source of triggering for you?

Do you feel like in some ways your W has settled for you?

Is your W still in contact with ex'es?

Saying that she was "with you for 20 years" is like when my W told me that "but I chose you" as opposed to OM1. There is something utilitarian in those statements like I was a practical if unexciting selection.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

I don't think there is a statute of limitations on infidelity. You wife or girlfriend at the time went home with you but she humiliated you in public with another man. That to me is part of infidelity as is lying. She probably doesn't want to talk about it because she either knows she did something very bad, she's embarrassed by it or both. 

You should not let something like this eat at you and your wife shouldn't let it if she cares about you. You should set her down and explain how you feel, let her know how big a deal this is to you, ask all of your questions and work it out together. Nothing should be hidden in a marriage. That could be a difficult conversation for your wife but she caused this problem, not you. She is the only one that can fix it for you. Letting this eat at you for years isn't good for you or your marriage and it sure isn't a way to live your life.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Immaturity, Alcohol, clubbing = High probability of stupid things happening 

20 years... Haven't you matured?

She's still your wife, what's your problem?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

If nothing else is going and you have a great marriage I'd say drop it.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Who do you think has held the power in your relationship the past 21 years?

It's not you. Her "I'm going home with you" comment was because she was convinced at that point that you would accept that type of ********. 
How is your marriage now, other than the times you bring the past up?


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

So @Swayne12 

I voted you both need to work this out, but honestly it should have been dealt with 20+ years ago. Probably now she has been with you for 21 years now. Has she always been faithful to you since this incident? Have you been true to her the whole time? If the answers to these questions is yes then let it go and enjoy the rest of your lives together. Hey go out dancing and you dance and grind on a woman now in front of her and say hey honey don't worry I'm going home with you. lol
Seriously just kidding on that last sentence. Just let it go and enjoy your wife and life together. Best of luck!


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

It is an unresolved issue that has been left to fester. Communicate how you feel without being critical or accusatory because it's old news. When she gets uptight tell her to knock the **** off as all you're looking for is a sincere apology. If she can't do it then you'll know what she really feels.


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## Alittlelost57 (May 8, 2019)

I think this is your issue now, @Swayne12. Assuming your trigger was the Urban Meyer deal and that your wife has done nothing to remind you of this old incident, what can she do now to address it? Her response at the time was less than ideal, yet it convinced you to back off in the moment. She crossed a reasonable boundary, but you essentially let her move the line a bit making her behavior fall within the new boundary.

Having some feelings of insecurity is normal. We all have them. How you respond is a choice you make, and when people label someone as insecure they're referring to their actions and not their feelings. If she respects your marriage and you now, I see no constructive purpose to bringing this up. I think it would be an insecure thing to _do_. 

Instead I'd do some soul searching about why an incident fro 20 yrs ago still bothers you so, and if you can't figure it out or you step into some sensitive stuff you can't handle alone, speak to a counselor.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

As others have said, this was a big deal and should have been dealt with more forcefully - 20 years ago.

At this point, if everything is good and your marriage is solid and working for you - let it go.
You’re probably as upset with your own lack of action as much as her flippant disrespectful behavior.
Chalk it up to being young, naive and weaker than you are now and let it go for both of you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dude, you weren't married then. You were out drinking and dancing. She married you. Get over it and stop bringing it up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ah... being young and getting drunk and do stupid things... that's alcohol for you. I wouldn't have married her, though.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I wouldn't have married her, though.


My thoughts exactly. Girl’s like her are for having fun with not for marrying.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you need to give yourself a kick , to be thinking of this still god have you not grown up yet


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am guessing this happened very early in your dating relationship? 
I would have seen that as a warning but then I have high standards when it comes to a man I will marry. 
However it was a long time ago now, so stop your self dwelling on it, forgive her and move on.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> My thoughts exactly. Girl’s like her are for having fun with not for marrying.


Yes, and she thought the same thing about the guy she was dancing with.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Swayne12 said:


> What do I do to get over this for good?


I'm not exactly sure whether "get over" is do-able. Your wife's attitude, at the time, clearly demonstrates what she thinks of you. She didn't respect you. She probably didn't respect anyone else, either. Young people are easily entrapped in these attitudes, and alcohol takes away the inhibitions and REVEALS the truth. You KNOW the truth. That's why you are hurt. I clearly understand why you were hurt by it. Your wife needs to "get it". It doesn't matter that it was 20 years ago.



Swayne12 said:


> she said "so I danced with him, I'm going home with you" to me that was a good point and I pretty much took that


is a hogwash excuse on her part. The time has come that you must stand up to her and demand a sincere apology. You have given her 20 faithful years of your life. You absorbed the penalty for her.
Time to stop.



Swayne12 said:


> she gets annoyed at me saying she's spent 20 years with me how can I bring this up. I feel stupid for bringing it up


Your wife is a manipulator. She controls you by making you feel stupid. You are not stupid. Her actions were despicable. She needs to own them, instead of making you her scapegoat. 

She doesn't respect you now, either.


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