# Please help! My husband criticizes my every move



## miss812

This is a bit long but I am looking for unbiased opinions. Thank you in advance.
First a little background. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 6 years, living together for 8. I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship and her father is not involved in her life, so my husband has raised her with me since she was young.
When I first met my husband, I was a pretty messy person and pretty irresponsible (I was 24.) My mom always picked up after me and did everything for me. My husband criticized me a lot and really taught me how to be more responsible – which I needed. Well, now that we have been together for 9 years, we still have this type of relationship. He is constantly criticizing me, and nit picking. He also talks crap about me to my daughter, calling me a lazy ass. We are usually in an argument or fight and it has been this for the past 3 years or so, and has gotten progressively worse. If we aren’t fighting, I feel he has to look for something to complain about. For example, my daughter told me he recently brought up some stuff that happened EIGHT YEARS AGO when we first moved in together. And these were SMALL things (like breaking his remote control and “ruining his blanket”. I honestly don’t even remember this.. it was so long ago.) 
I do admit that he does do more housework than me, but I also want to point out that I work between 10 and 14 hours a day. He works 8. I also do most of the driving when it comes to my daughter (to school, dance, etc..) I bring home more money and pay for 90% of everything for my daughter including her phone, chores, school supplies, clothes, and dance. 
I find myself not wanting to be around him. I think it is because when he’s not criticizing me, he is telling me I don’t care about him or love him. He says I’m not affectionate enough. Nothing I do is EVER enough. No matter how hard I try, how hard I work, he finds something wrong with me. And if he doesn’t, he goes back eight years and brings up old stuff.
I am 99% sure this marriage is over and thinking about that is relieving. I love him, but I really cannot live like this anymore. I am extremely unhappy and it seems like he is too. We fight, and then we make up and he says he will be better but we always fall right back to where we are now.
He will not do marriage counseling. He said it will not work and he refuses.
Is my marriage over?


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## GetTough

miss812 said:


> This is a bit long but I am looking for unbiased opinions. Thank you in advance.
> First a little background. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 6 years, living together for 8. I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship and her father is not involved in her life, so my husband has raised her with me since she was young.
> When I first met my husband, I was a pretty messy person and pretty irresponsible (I was 24.) My mom always picked up after me and did everything for me. My husband criticized me a lot and really taught me how to be more responsible – which I needed. Well, now that we have been together for 9 years, we still have this type of relationship. He is constantly criticizing me, and nit picking. He also talks crap about me to my daughter, calling me a lazy ass. We are usually in an argument or fight and it has been this for the past 3 years or so, and has gotten progressively worse. If we aren’t fighting, I feel he has to look for something to complain about. For example, my daughter told me he recently brought up some stuff that happened EIGHT YEARS AGO when we first moved in together. And these were SMALL things (like breaking his remote control and “ruining his blanket”. I honestly don’t even remember this.. it was so long ago.)
> I do admit that he does do more housework than me, but I also want to point out that I work between 10 and 14 hours a day. He works 8. I also do most of the driving when it comes to my daughter (to school, dance, etc..) I bring home more money and pay for 90% of everything for my daughter including her phone, chores, school supplies, clothes, and dance.
> I find myself not wanting to be around him. I think it is because when he’s not criticizing me, he is telling me I don’t care about him or love him. He says I’m not affectionate enough. Nothing I do is EVER enough. No matter how hard I try, how hard I work, he finds something wrong with me. And if he doesn’t, he goes back eight years and brings up old stuff.
> I am 99% sure this marriage is over and thinking about that is relieving. I love him, but I really cannot live like this anymore. I am extremely unhappy and it seems like he is too. We fight, and then we make up and he says he will be better but we always fall right back to where we are now.
> He will not do marriage counseling. He said it will not work and he refuses.
> Is my marriage over?


Tell him if he won't do counseling or work on some key changes you need, your marriage likely will not survive and/or you want a separation. Your marriage is not necessarily over but you have the right to insist on his cooperation. You also have a duty to make him aware of the seriousness of your feelings and the situation as you perceive it. You also have to have the strength and self-respect to stand up for what you deserve, which is a man who values and cherishes and relates to you in a mainly positive way.


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## EleGirl

What does he say when you tell him that you pay 90% of the expenses for your child?

What does he say when you say that you work longer hours so it makes sense he should do more housework?

How much of your feelings about all of this have you told him ?


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## miss812

EleGirl said:


> What does he say when you tell him that you pay 90% of the expenses for your child?
> 
> What does he say when you say that you work longer hours so it makes sense he should do more housework?
> 
> How much of your feelings about all of this have you told him ?


1 - I make more than him, so this is just how our expenses even out. He says if I need help with things for her, I should ask him. 

2 - We fight, we don't talk for 3-4 days, then we make up and I explain to him again that my days are jam packed. He always ends up saying he will never bother me again about housework, but 1-2 weeks later he is on my ass again. and the cycle repeats itself.
The most recent thing he picked on was that the area rugs are a mess in the mornings.. we have dogs, so they probably mess them up after I leave.. He often picks on me for things that are not even my fault (that is just one example.)

3 - All of them. Like I said, this is a constant cycle. We always have good talks and make up, but then we go right back to where we were.


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## miss812

bradt - thanks. I have tried this. He said if we have to do counseling we mine as well end things. he makes me feel like everything is 100% my fault and I really think he is afraid of someone else besides me saying things are his fault too.

I do need to talk to him again about the seriousness of my feelings, although I believe he is aware. I am avoiding talking to him right now and I don't really know why. I am at the point where I am ready to give up on our relationship. I want it to be over and I am just now realizing that.

We haven't spoke in days and this is not uncommon.


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## miss812

Regarding expenses for my daughter, I also want to mention he thinks paying for dance is like throwing money down the toilet. My daughter is on the HS dance team and it's about $2,000 a year. he refuses to help with any of those expenses.
she is a wonderful dancer and I think it's important for her to be a part of a team. It keeps her healthy, busy, and out of trouble. 
she wants to be a dance instructor one day so I do not see this as a waste of money.


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## GetTough

miss812 said:


> bradt - thanks. I have tried this. He said if we have to do counseling we mine as well end things. he makes me feel like everything is 100% my fault and I really think he is afraid of someone else besides me saying things are his fault too.
> 
> I do need to talk to him again about the seriousness of my feelings, although I believe he is aware. I am avoiding talking to him right now and I don't really know why. I am at the point where I am ready to give up on our relationship. I want it to be over and I am just now realizing that.
> 
> We haven't spoke in days and this is not uncommon.


You have to be firm and strong and make him see you are serious. The outcome if you don't stand up for yourself now, is that counseling will make no difference later, your feelings will have reached a point practically beyond repair, and it sounds like its very close to passing that point already. If he walks, so be it, a breakdown is going to happen anyway without his cooperation. Better to face the music early.


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## EleGirl

miss812 said:


> Regarding expenses for my daughter, I also want to mention he thinks paying for dance is like throwing money down the toilet. My daughter is on the HS dance team and it's about $2,000 a year. he refuses to help with any of those expenses.
> she is a wonderful dancer and I think it's important for her to be a part of a team. It keeps her healthy, busy, and out of trouble.
> she wants to be a dance instructor one day so I do not see this as a waste of money.


I agree with you that if she loves dance this is important both as a good activity and as a possible career choice. If she wants a career in dance which includes teaching, this is well worth encouraging. Keep paying for it.

I don't know what to say about your husband. It's easy to just say to leave him. But surely there is something that will shock him out of this behavior. 

You work a lot of hours. Could it be that the two of you have become emotionally disconnected because you two do not spend enough time together? Is it easier for him to complain about throw rugs instead of you working all those hours? After all, you bring in the major support for the family. He might thing he'd look like a fool for complaining that your are contributing majorly to the support of the family.

Or could he be unhappy on some level because you earn more than he does? As another woman who earns more than my husband I've seen this be an issue. And again, how can he bring this up without looking like a dope? If he says it makes him feel less like a man because you earn more.. than he looks silly. Shoot, then he should just get out there and earn more.

On one thread around here someone posted a statistic that when the wife earns significantly more than the husband, the husband is much more likely to cheat on her than when the man earns more.

The male ego is sometimes hard to figure out.


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## moxy

EleGirl said:


> On one thread around here someone posted a statistic that when the wife earns significantly more than the husband, the husband is much more likely to cheat on her than when the man earns more.
> 
> The male ego is sometimes hard to figure out.


Really? I worked and my stbxh was a stay at home husband; might have contributed to his infidelity because he was bored...(should've gotten a job or an extra hobby that wasn't other chicks, I think).

In your situation, I think his criticism is coming from a feeling of powerlessness. He feels less manly and in control and he's dealing with it by controlling you with criticism. So, if you're flawed then he feels better about himself. It's immature. He needs to deal with his issues and not take them out on you.

I suggest you tell him that you're sick of him picking in you and then give him an ultimatum -- marriage counseling or separation. He won't get how serious this is for you unless he sees what he is about to lose.


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## EleGirl

miss812 said:


> bradt - thanks. I have tried this. *He said if we have to do counseling we mine as well end things*. he makes me feel like everything is 100% my fault and I really think he is afraid of someone else besides me saying things are his fault too.
> 
> I do need to talk to him again about the seriousness of my feelings, although I believe he is aware. I am avoiding talking to him right now and I don't really know why. I am at the point where I am ready to give up on our relationship. I want it to be over and I am just now realizing that.
> 
> We haven't spoke in days and this is not uncommon.


You can counter the idea that if you need counseling than the you both might as well end things. 

The counter is 

"So you are saying that you refuse to work on improving our marriage and chose divorce?"

Maybe he will chose divorce. If he refuses to go to counseling, ask him to move out. It would be wrong for you to move your daughter out of the family home. And he is the one who refuses to stop abusing you and go to counseling with you.


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## moxy

miss812 said:


> bradt - thanks. I have tried this. He said if we have to do counseling we mine as well end things. he makes me feel like everything is 100% my fault and I really think he is afraid of someone else besides me saying things are his fault too.
> 
> I do need to talk to him again about the seriousness of my feelings, although I believe he is aware. I am avoiding talking to him right now and I don't really know why. I am at the point where I am ready to give up on our relationship. I want it to be over and I am just now realizing that.
> 
> We haven't spoke in days and this is not uncommon.



He is trying to make you believe that everything IS your fault so that he doesn't have to change or take responsibility for anything. You're right that he is probably afraid that someone else will say "no, you're not perfect and you are not exempt from the things that are expected of all people in relationships -- such as, compromise, respectfulness, and taking ownership of your own bullsh--." That means he has to earn the right to be king of the castle instead of bullying his way to that prestige.

Talking to him about your problems will NOT help. He thinks he can wear you down till he gets his way; avoiding talking to you for days at a time like this is evidence of his manipulative-ness. You've gotta decide for yourself if you're willing to put up with more or if you're going to put your foot down. He will understand only extreme measures, because he's a controlling manipulator (it sounds like).

You can tell him that if your marriage is so fragile that it can't endure marriage counseling, if it means too little to him to be bothered, that divorce is probably a good idea. He's basically saying to you "if you upset the apple cart, then it's game over." That seems emotionally abusive to me. Give him an ultimatum; you have power in this relationship, too.


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## River1977

First thing.............


miss812 said:


> he thinks paying for dance is like throwing money down the toilet. My daughter is on the HS dance team and it's about $2,000 a year. he refuses to help with any of those expenses.


Second thing.............


miss812 said:


> she is a wonderful dancer and I think it's important for her to be a part of a team. It keeps her healthy, busy, and out of trouble. she wants to be a dance instructor one day so I do not see this as a waste of money.


Have you ever heard the saying that women marry their father? Most people who hear that confuse the translation to mean women marry men who act like herr father, or women marry men who look like her father. It used to be a rather popular saying but for the life of me, I could never figure out what it meant because I'd look around and never EVER see a guy who looked like his wife's father. Have you ever seen that? Have you ever seen it so often that it could qualify that statement as true? And, of course, there is the added yuck factor. I briefly - very briefly LOL - dated a guy who looked exactly like my father. It was uncanny......and felt extremely strange. He looked like my dad, walked like my dad, had motions and mannerisms just like my dad. It felt soooo weird that I could not bring myself to even kiss the guy. This yuck factor coupled with the fact that it just doesn't happen to be that men look like their wife's father led me to believe the statement is entirely untrue.

But, it is true. It is VERY true because that is not the meaning of the statement. As I grew older, I began to realize that not all things, not all sayings have an obvious meaning. Some things have an underlying or abstract meaning, which make them as true and inarguable as those that are plain and simple and obvious.

Women marry their father because she becomes like his child. He treats her like a child, and she acts like his child. Obviously, the saying doesn't apply to every single woman on the planet, but it is safe to assert this is mainly true of young women - young women who marry young men, and most especially young women who marry older men. Young women don't know any better because they've not yet turned into their own person. This is something that happens upon maturity. Usually, by her late 20s or early 30s, women begin to smell themselves and become more confident in themselves and more aware of their own needs, their own desires, and their own abilities. A woman gains a much higher and more enlightened sense of self. In a lot of cases, older women look back on their younger selves and can't believe how naive, if not stupid, they were back then. If nothing else, their older self realizes they neither need nor want their husband's constant guidance as if she is incapable, nor his constant criticisms as if she is not qualified, nor his limited opinion of her. She reaches the age where she's learned to rely on herself and not him, and she refuses to allow the opinion and treatment of her husband to determine her identity or her worth. She prefers to share a happy married life of mutual respect or begin over again with someone who shows her respect and didn't know her during those years that she knew nothing more than to rely on a man as if he were her father.

This is where you are right now. You are struggling to break out of the mold that you once felt you needed this relationship to be. You have grown older and wiser, and now you don't need or want that kind of dynamic in your marriage. You want to be married to your husband, not the father-figure you looked up to and relied on for guidance, permission, and approval. You want his respect, but you first have to stop acting like his child.

In the "first thing" that I quoted from you, you expressed his disdain for the expense of your daughter's dance team.

In the "second thing" that I quoted, you give all the reasons your daughter's dance is an important expense.

What you don't realize is.......no one asked for those reasons. No one here did, so you didn't have to give us your reasons to justify the expense to us. But, you are accustomed to doing that with your husband. This is just one area in which you are trained to earn his approval and in this case, you feel you have to justify what you do with why you do it.

When you stop those old habits borne of your younger and immature self, you will free yourself from the bondage of seeking his approval and learn to rely completely on your own judgment. You will never know everything there is to know. You will not always make the right decisions. What matters, though, is to have enough confidence in yourself to make the decisions and to learn from your mistakes.......just like the rest of us.

I don't know that there is anything you can do to make him stop acting like your father though. It is very difficult, demeaning, and belittling to live under someone's constant judgment and criticisms. That he refuses marriage couseling means you have a choice to make. One choice is to live with him the way he is and accept he will never stop acting like your father. The other option is to leave because that's the only way to make him stop. What I suggest is you first impress upon him that your marriage depends on you both attending marriage counseling. If he still refuses, then you have to have the nerve to go. Although you should expect that leaving will mean the end of your marriage, leaving very often turns out to be a very effective wake up call. Ordinarily, he won't want the marriage to end and will make all kinds of empty promises to get you to come back. But, don't go back too soon. Make sure he lives up to those promises and does actually attends counseling and fully participates at least a month, if not two, before you go back to him. Otherwise, you can expect that all the promises he made to be completely forgotten within about two weeks after you walk back through the door. If he doesn't participate or if you see no real progress, then going back is up to you although you cannot expect any real change from him. Another note is that you cannot stop counseling and cannot allow him to convince you the marriage no longer needs counseling. Keep going for at least a year if for no other reason than to keep him moving in the right direction of learning to respect you and your boundaries.

I can understand you probably came here looking for ways or words to make your husband change. But, changing is more up to you because you cannot make him change, and we don't have any magic words to make it happen. Nobody does. This is entirely up to you to do. And, something I learned from the men on these forums in their own words is men respond to actions, not words.


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## miss812

I will address some of your questions.
EleGirl – I work a lot of hours, but he works nights. We only see each other on the weekends. I can guarantee this is a HUGE problem for us… It just doesn’t give us much quality time. Our phone conversations can only be so deep because either he’s at work or I’m at work. It really doesn’t give us much time to work on our problems either.
Also I can’t have him move out.. it’s his moms house. I would have to move out, which I am okay with. 
I completely agree with you Moxy. 
River1977 – are you a therapist? Nice observations. You are right… I feel like I have to justify things that don’t need to be justified. My husband calls them “excuses.”
I actually came here looking for someone to tell me it’s okay to leave him. I feel bad, but he has pushed me to the point where I don’t even want counseling anymore. Even if he were to go, I am just not invested in this marriage anymore. He has threatened divorce so many times and I’m always the one to say we can get through it. I no longer feel that way.
I decided to ignore our problems yesterday since it was father’s day. We got along great… I just don’t understand why he can’t always be like that.
I think I’ll do a trial separation.. I want to see what it feels like to be on my own again… I am SO afraid to tell him.
Thank you all so much for your feedback. I REALLY appreciate you taking the time.


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## GetTough

miss812 said:


> I will address some of your questions.
> EleGirl – I work a lot of hours, but he works nights. We only see each other on the weekends. I can guarantee this is a HUGE problem for us… It just doesn’t give us much quality time. Our phone conversations can only be so deep because either he’s at work or I’m at work. It really doesn’t give us much time to work on our problems either.
> Also I can’t have him move out.. it’s his moms house. I would have to move out, which I am okay with.
> I completely agree with you Moxy.
> River1977 – are you a therapist? Nice observations. You are right… I feel like I have to justify things that don’t need to be justified. My husband calls them “excuses.”
> I actually came here looking for someone to tell me it’s okay to leave him. I feel bad, but he has pushed me to the point where I don’t even want counseling anymore. Even if he were to go, I am just not invested in this marriage anymore. He has threatened divorce so many times and I’m always the one to say we can get through it. I no longer feel that way.
> I decided to ignore our problems yesterday since it was father’s day. We got along great… I just don’t understand why he can’t always be like that.
> I think I’ll do a trial separation.. I want to see what it feels like to be on my own again… I am SO afraid to tell him.
> Thank you all so much for your feedback. I REALLY appreciate you taking the time.


Counseling could be worth it. Why not just tell him you both have to do counseling or THEN you WILL want a separation? What do you have to lose by warning him first? He may surprise you at his willingness to work on change. That would be a tough road but listen -- separation and divorce is REALLY MUCH TOUGHER, esp. with kids. It can get VERY ugly. Most men react to separation in ways that are VERY unattractive. Your 99% feeling it's over could go to 99.99% FAST in a separation situation. Or he could play it cool and win you over, but that's unlikely. If you want your marriage to work, to try for that 1%, to give change every possible chance, counseling isn't easy but it's probably a MUCH better chance for you than moving straight to separation.


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## miss812

bradt said:


> Counseling could be worth it. Why not just tell him you both have to do counseling or THEN you WILL want a separation? What do you have to lose by warning him first? He may surprise you at his willingness to work on change. That would be a tough road but listen -- separation and divorce is REALLY MUCH TOUGHER, esp. with kids. It can get VERY ugly. Most men react to separation in ways that are VERY unattractive. Your 99% feeling it's over could go to 99.99% FAST in a separation situation. Or he could play it cool and win you over, but that's unlikely. If you want your marriage to work, to try for that 1%, to give change every possible chance, counseling isn't easy but it's probably a MUCH better chance for you than moving straight to separation.


I have some more thinking to do. I have realized that I'm at a point where I don't even want to try anymore. I want to be alone and I don't have one ounce of motivation to try and make this marraige work.


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## miss812

Well, I talked to my husband tonight. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him I feel he treats me like a child. He said it’s because I act like one. He said I never clean up after myself (which is a complete lie) and said I never participate in cleaning up the kitchen (also a lie.) He said all I do is go to work, come home, and go to bed… yeah because I work long days! It’s like he doesn’t realize that or something. He said he cleans for 4 hours a day, which is REALLY over exaggerated. I come home to a messy kitchen all the time. 
He said as long as he notices things I need to change and improve, he’s going to let me know and if I don’t like it, I can leave. He said I haven’t respected him for over 2 years, and I said, "if I act like I’m not respecting you it’s probably because you are constantly on my case about something. If you are constantly disagreeing with everything I do, eventually I'm not going to care." I told him I needed it when we first got together and I was younger, but I no longer do... I am now much better at managing my money, my cleanliness, everything, and he said I haven’t changed at all, which is COMPLETELY untrue. So in other words he's saying he has been trying to get me to change for 8 years and I won't so I'm not good enough for him.
He said he doesn’t care about our relationship anymore. He is tired of caring.
I am not sure what world he is living in. 
Our marriage is over and I am relieved.


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## EleGirl

So why does he tell you to leave?

Why doesn't he leave?


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## miss812

EleGirl said:


> So why does he tell you to leave?
> 
> Why doesn't he leave?


We pay the mortgage to the house, but his mom put the down payment down (with her fathers inheritance.) It's his mom's house basically.


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## EleGirl

miss812 said:


> We pay the mortgage to the house, but his mom put the down payment down (with her fathers inheritance.) It's his mom's house basically.


Makes sense then.


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## River1977

So, you told him he treats you like a child, and he responded by treating you like a child. Alrighty then.

I don't believe he means he doesn't care. When you move out (or as you begin packing), he is likely going to have a change of heart and try to talk again.

First and foremost - before you do anything at all - go and talk with an attorney ASAP. You need to know what your rights are, what exactly you should do and when (such as filing for child/spousal support and anything else he will advise), and what you can expect. If there is a joint bank account, go and take out half the money. Hopefully, he hasn't taken all the money out yet. You mention his mother put down the money for the house but unless it is in her name, you have as much rights to it as he does. If it is in her name and this was done after the two of you married, it might have been to prevent you from getting it should you and he ever divorce. It is also a possiblity that his name is on it also. You probably know exactly how it goes. If you don't know, an attorney or real estate agent can find out. You can find out also because it is a public record. I looked up mine and anyone else I was curious about by searching the city records, but sorry I don't remember what site you should go to. You can still go to the department of records in your city or ask someone you know (attorney or real estate agent) how to find out. Just don't believe whatever he might have told you unless you know for certain it's the truth.


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