# when enough is enough ?



## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

just when do you call a end to your marriage ? should you have time apart to cool down or should you talk it out ?


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## mansiho (Dec 18, 2009)

Certainly, never take decisions when you are emotional. Cool off and weigh the events rationally with him before taking any decisions.


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## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

Dr. Phil says it's time to end the marriage when you can walk away with no anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. All issues are resolved. You know you have turned every stone and done everything you could do to save the marriage, particularly if children are involved, and nothing worked. You have to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own part in the failure of the marriage. 

I am 60 yrs. old. I am not a quiter. I always try to think of something different to try, read another book, go to another counselor, etc. 

Around Thanksgiving of this year, I was in bed with my husband. Things have not ben going well for us for several years. He is impatient in bed, and wanted to bring the sex act to a climax, long before I was ready. I felt my self totally surrender. At that moment, I gave up on our marriage. It was very peaceful. I remember thinking this must be what it feels like just before you surrender your life before death. Total and peaceful surrender. This was a new feeling for me. I had never experienced it before. 

Once you feel that total surrender of your marriage, you will know you have had enough, and you will know what to do.


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

I am torn on this question.
Although I hate Dr. Phil, I have to say I like summary of his position and the sentiment of that reply.
However, I become confused on this point. A casual friend was struggling with her marriage - we never spoke about what she should do, but I knew from her comments that eventually she would have to leave him. I secretly hoped she would do it sooner than later - and get on with having a happy life. Fortuantely she did.
How many years should one wait for the final unequivical sign?
In the legal system we look for reasonable doubt. Is it possible you hang in there until there is no reasonable expectation it can survive?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I remember the exact moment when I knew my first marriage was over. I was sitting on the couch one evening, mulling over everything, like I'd been doing for months. Then it hit me, I want a divorce. It was literally like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. All tension in my muscles was gone, it was like peace settled over me.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

scarletblue said:


> I remember the exact moment when I knew my first marriage was over. I was sitting on the couch one evening, mulling over everything, like I'd been doing for months. Then it hit me, I want a divorce. It was literally like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. All tension in my muscles was gone, it was like peace settled over me.


i can understand how you feel , for a while there i was nearly ready to give things another go !! 
but i feel so free and lookng fowards tobeing single and seeing what life brings me


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

why cant he just let me get on with my life ? im feeling so frustrated i dont know where to turn or how to stop the crazy mess im in .. My marriage is over , he had so many second chances yet he wont stop calling driving by and knocking on the door im exhausted with the emotional crap he keeps on dragging me through .. how can i get him to stop


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

he wont stop calling driving by and knocking on the door im exhausted with the emotional crap he keeps on dragging me through .. how can i get him to stop[/QUOTE]


It may be time for a restaining order. You do not have to be in a physically abusive situation for that to be appropriate.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

When being alone offers you more peace, happiness, and contentment than being together.


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## Griff123 (Jan 18, 2010)

There was a definite exact moment that I knew my first marriage was over, a point of no return. He hadn't understood or tried after 7 yrs and we were talking about it, I asked what he thought and he asked where to paper towels were- OVER. I felt just like what Dawnie said...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I don't think there is a specific timeline such as "Enough is enough after X years" because everyone is different. But I would agree with what some of the previous posters have said. When my first marriage ended, I knew I had tried everything possible and felt at peace. 

To share my personal story a little, my first husband left the family and business (and state!) to live with his mistress. Prior to that I knew things were not good, I went to counseling and he would not, and he was diagnosed bipolar and diabetic and fought against medication and would not do any therapy to deal with them. I tried for about three years to save the marriage--and finally one day I came to realize that if someone was going to do something and change, they would start right away and do it willingly. So I asked him outright, "What are you willing to do about your abuse issue, your mental illness, and your diabetes right now--today?" and his answer was that he was not willing. 

At that point I knew it was over. I knew I had done everything I could do on my side to not be the cause of his pain, and to do the things to build love in our marriage--but if he was work at it, it was over and I felt peace. 

Thus I would suggest that you stay with it until you have done everything you can. Do your honest best to repair the damage done and make yourself the woman you were intended to be.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Well, if you're sure that you're done with the marriage.....then you tell him to back off. Don't answer the phone, don't answer the door. Tell him that if he keeps harrassing you that you will get an anti-harrassment order. 

My ex did the same type of stuff and it just escalated. In my mind I was trying to make it as easy as possible for him to deal with the split. The problem was that he saw every gesture on my part as a sign of hope that we could work it out.

Hang in there, and just make sure you are not giving mixed signals.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Im sure that i dont want him my life ! ive changed all my phone numbers and havent anwsered the front door to him for a while .. He keeps asking for another chance and to go counselling .. so confused !! hes hurt me so much i cant even bear to let him near me . yet i love him and want him to be happy .. im so angry frustrated and want to go to the nearest hill to scream !!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I actually have a suggestion for you that might help. If you have decided you don't want him in your life, here's what it will look like if he is sincere about changing and wanting you back: 

1) He will stop ignoring your requests to leave you alone. 
2) He will go to counseling on his own.
3) He will arrange to get there and do the homework on his own. 
4) He will work on himself and make the changes to become a better person...whether you do or not. 

When you see THIS kind of behavior, then he is serious about counseling and changing his behavior. As long as he's behaving like he is now, he's just saying that as a way to try to get you back into the cycle (the way it used to be). 

If he absolutely will not leave you alone, you may want to consider a restraining order.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

would like a little bit of advice over restraining orders .. if you have taken one out id really appreciate talking to you or knowing if it made any difference . 
I dont know how much longer i can live like this ..ive gone from loving him so much to not wanting to leave my home i loathe him so much ..hes doing everything possible to make me feel miserable ...


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

katie jane said:


> would like a little bit of advice over restraining orders .. if you have taken one out id really appreciate talking to you or knowing if it made any difference .
> I dont know how much longer i can live like this ..ive gone from loving him so much to not wanting to leave my home i loathe him so much ..hes doing everything possible to make me feel miserable ...


Can't tell you much about restraining orders in GB. In the states, they are issued by the Probate and Family Court. Any family-law attorney can help you. In the states, most courts have a very limited in-courthouse volunteer attorney on one or more days a week that can help you get it done.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

iWonder said:


> Can't tell you much about restraining orders in GB. In the states, they are issued by the Probate and Family Court. Any family-law attorney can help you. In the states, most courts have a very limited in-courthouse volunteer attorney on one or more days a week that can help you get it done.


Thanks i had a meeting with a solictor today , it's so hard to have loved someone so much to have the need to have a restraining order ! I just want my life back and to wake up not dreading what the day willl bring 
I'm finding it really easy to loath seeing him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

It is amazing how we can go from living with someone one day, to not being able to be around them the next, but it happens.
Sounds like you are on your way to a happier life, but there will certainly be tough days ahead. Keep your eye on the longer term future.


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## whirlwind (Feb 3, 2010)

HI katie, How did you know, I feel like I know it is and I`m ok with that but I do want it to work, its my marriage, i wanted to be married forever, but my husband has anger issues, and I`m a little worry as I know I`ll have to fight for everything, and he wont pay any bills and I know he wouldnt live the property, any help would be great


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

whirlwind said:


> HI katie, How did you know, I feel like I know it is and I`m ok with that but I do want it to work, its my marriage, i wanted to be married forever, but my husband has anger issues, and I`m a little worry as I know I`ll have to fight for everything, and he wont pay any bills and I know he wouldnt live the property, any help would be great


I know because I haven't smiled in weeks because I've cried most days and he doesn't seem to care . I have no fight left he has taken every little bit of fight and happiness from me . He gas made the hard harder seems he enjoys to see me hurt ! Well I give up I'll hold my hands up and say loud my marriage is over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> I know because I haven't smiled in weeks because I've cried most days and he doesn't seem to care . I have no fight left he has taken every little bit of fight and happiness from me . He gas made the hard harder seems he enjoys to see me hurt ! Well I give up I'll hold my hands up and say loud my marriage is over
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats so sad because I know how much you loved. I really hope things turn out better for you in the future....


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

yes i loved him more then anything and to be honest i still did when i found about that he was having an affair ! he has made me loathe him by his selfish actions ..he is no longer the person i married and fell in love with .. I hope he will be happy again .. i know my future is without him ..but i also know ill be fine ..no matter how much it hurts now i know it can only get better in time x


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

@Griff123 - I understand. My husband does that stuff, too. We've never been able to work on anything in our marriage. He says he wants things fixed, but I'm supposed to be the one to figure out how to fix it. Then, we I try to get us moving in a new direction, he gets angry or refuses to participate. It's a no win situation, and I'm tired of it. 

I've said to him before that when he finds a job, I want us to separate. To that, he says that I can move out, he's not budging. I don't understand why he would want to be in this marriage any more than I do. Yes, we have two kids. But honestly, I think he's more embarrassed about being divorced, about the failure it would reflect on him, than anything else.

I'm also at that point that the worst time of the day is spending time with him. And so we don't. The kids go to bed and we find different parts of the house and it's that way until bed. And lately, I've found that I'd rather sleep with my daughter because I want to be next to someone I love at night. 

It won't be easy to divorce. I'm certainly not looking forward to the struggle. I don't have family close by to help me, and my parents are about to go into a nursing home. It's enough to make me depressed, but surprisingly, I'm not. I'm determined. I'm determined to raise happy, healthy kids who do NOT grow up in a house where the underlying tone is stress, where parents fight, where dad yells at his kids. I'm done. If only he'd get a job. I can't leave until he does, or he'd have to move home and live with his parents, and I won't do that to him.

I do look forward to that day when I can go.


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