# Is this odd?



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

My marriage is not good. Hasn't been for years. That being said, if/when I leave I have thought through how I want to handle the situation.

1. I will not leave until my youngest is graduated. Only eight years away. That way we can avoid the craziness/power struggle of custody & child support. I know he will provide financially for the kids. 

2. When I leave I will not require a buy out of our home. He can keep it. 

3. I don't want alimoney. 

4. I do want the dog. 

I mentioned this to a confidant of mine. She thinks I am nuts and should "go for whatever I can get" since I didn't get a partner. In most things I agree with her but I just can't on this one. I want my freedom/peace, I do not want to punish him. 

My biggest goal for the next 8 years is to pay off my student loans and have a solid nest egg for each of us. A failed marriage is bad enough. I don't want him or myself to have it complicated by monitary risk. 

Am I way off here? Or do other people feel the same way?


----------



## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

I guess I can only ask, how will you feel in 8 yrs. ?

That's a long time and alot of life to pass you by.

And a long time for resentment/anger to build up.


----------



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

lol. yes but at the same time, the past eight with the girls have flown by. In fact, the past two were insanely fast. That aspect of life I wish would slow down...

I have gotten used to doing so much of my life without my husband since he is always "absent" that it does seem doable. Not ideal. Not emotionally enriching but doable.


----------



## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

8 years is gawd awful long when you begin counting the days and especially if you're having a lot of problems at home.

There would not be any power struggle with the kids if you're not an unfit mother and you're able to provide support for them. Most judges will give the children to the mother and require that husband provide child support if not alimony.

But a lot of things can happen in eight years and it all depends on if you and husband can keep a peaceful home. More often than not, when hell breaks loose in the household and somebody reaches their limit, that person generally wants out and pronto!


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One of my major regrets with my marriage was waiting so long to end it. I did the same thing as you, swore I would wait for the kids to graduate high school. My wife (ex) finally pulled the trigger three years before I would have. Now my life is incredible! The kids stayed with me, I have my sanity and my humor back, our house is pretty much stress free (as much as possible with kids that is!) Thinking I was doing the right thing for the kids sake was a mistake that I see clearly now. Even though there were never any knock down drag out fights what the kids saw was two people living together but living totally different lives and life styles, not a loving partner ship but a terribly stressful dysfunctional arrangement that just kept cycling day after day. Not the right example to be raised in.

Done carefully your kids can come through a divorce pretty well, and you can start enjoying your life again also. JMO


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You should take half. Especially the house. It's half yours, and your blood sweat and tears are part of those assets to. Don't confuse this with just wanting out fast and easy. Get him to buy out your half of the house. Use that money to get your own place, that you can finally make a loving place full of warmth that is finally yours. There's nothing wrong with this. Why should you give up everything from those sixteen plus years? 

There's no guilt in taking what's rightfully yours. Don't feel that way at all for the sake of your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

nnoodle said:


> I have gotten used to doing so much of my life without my husband since he is always "absent" that it does seem doable. Not ideal. Not emotionally enriching but doable.


I so totally understand what you mean by this! That's what I've been doing for years. I had the same plan, just hold on long enough to get the kids through high school (one has a sleep disorder that really makes her education a challenge). 

But lately I just don't know if I can put up with it for another two years. I thought it had just become our family's "normal" dysfunctional way of living day to day and I could deal with it, but seeing how my husband has treated his own elderly parents this past year has given me such a bad taste in my mouth that I don't think I want to stay with him for another two years. I just can't live with or respect someone who is so utterly uncaring and unfeeling.


----------



## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Cooper said:


> Thinking I was doing the right thing for the kids sake was a mistake that I see clearly now. Even though there were never any knock down drag out fights what the kids saw was two people living together but living totally different lives and life styles, not a loving partner ship but a terribly stressful dysfunctional arrangement that just kept cycling day after day. Not the right example to be raised in.


Cooper - AMEN to that!!! The husband and I don't argue or fight, we never really even disagree on things, we just live completely separate lives while living under the same roof. Several things have happened in the last year to make me realize that he is not a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Thank goodness my kids have a good relationship with their aunts and uncles and my dad and his wife, and they see how a REAL marriage should work. But I agree, keeping my kids in this dysfunctional family for so long isn't a good thing.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, your heart has left the relationship but your body will remain in place for the next 8 years, supported, at least in part, by this man you intend to leave. For the next 8 years, he will not feel a woman's love for even an hour. If he gets hit by a bus sometime in the next 8 years, then we might as well say he's had all the romantic joy he's ever gonna get. You don't want to fight for custody of the kids, that's super. Give him custody or agree to share custody. Don't want the house? That's great. Move out. Your head, your heart, and your body ought to all be in the same place. In short, if you're tired of playing the game, then get off the field.


----------



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Sorry, I wasn't clear because I left out a lot that was stated in other posts. New here and don't know how to link them... see Apathetic Husband too Long...

But nice pile on Unbelievable. 

In no way am I saying my husband should have a loveless marriage. He has given me that the past 13 years and it sucks. I am in no way saying I would leave the kids. He doesn't parent at all. I do. I have given up my career to raise them and do it proudly. 

I am sick of begging for the smallest scraps of human interaction from him. The only reason I stay is to keep the kids in the environment they are used to: their school, their home, their life. 

When they transition, so will I. I have done all I can do to try and keep this marriage going. If my husband won't even attempt to reach out how long do you suppose I ought to hang on?


----------



## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

unbelievable - Like Nnoodle said, there are a ton of other things going on, for her as well as for me, so I can see how her post would sound strange without knowing the background it was coming from. Like she said, for me my husband "checked out" emotionally a very very long time ago. I've tried for literally years to keep open communication with him, tried to get him to give a $hit about his own children, but over and over and over times a million he has shown that he's not interested in his family, he's not interested in having a working relationship with me as a co-parent to our children, he's not interested in being a spouse. He's interested in his job and his computer. That's his entire life. Period. 

It's not that I or nnoodle have just one day woken up and decided "that's it, I'm done!". It comes from virtually years of being taken for granted, ignored, being forced into single-parenthood not of our choosing, and living with someone who literally does not care about the people who should matter the most to them in the world. Apathy. Complete and utter apathy and inability to relate to another human being.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Noodle has justification to leave (not that anyone needs justification). If she's not happy, she can split. If he's not interested in parenting and she's not interested any longer in "wifeing", then what can he expect to get out of this slavery arrangement? If she has emotionally withdrawn from the marriage then let her body follow suit. Rather than he and she spending the next 24 hours or the next 8 years in misery, they both could actually have the possibility of a little bit of happiness. I don't understand how someone can be too evil to love but remain just perfect to exploit. If Noodle has been unhappy for the past 13 years, chances are really good that he has been, too. He hasn't murdered anyone as far as I know, there's been no trial and none of us are entitled to hand out 8 year sentences of hard labor to our spouse. If her plan is to play the role of mom but not the role of wife for the next 8 years, then obtain a divorce. He would be free to date or marry someone he might have a decent relationship with. Noodle and ex could make some suitable arrangement where Noodle gets frequent or even primary access to the kids. If her youngest graduates in 8 years, he's about 10 which likely means he goes to school, leaving her plenty of time to work. Probably in the next four years, son is going to be spending less time at home and more time with friends and after school activities.


----------



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Thanks Avalon. I think its easy to be cut and dry when you are not "in it" the way we are. 

Also a significant issue I have (not sure about you Avalon) is employment. I have been searching for over a year. The job market is bad and getting worse in our area. I have a teaching degree w/ MA but everything in our area is getting slashed. Add to it I have no current work history as I stayed home with the kids the last 10yrs and I get laughed out the door. And no, volunteer work with GS over 15 yrs doesn't count for anything at all. Nor does volunteering at the ASPCA. 

Supporting 2 households on my husbands income would not work, nor would it be fair to him or the kids to radically change their standard of living. I know mine will take a hit but that is okay. 

I can and will find work, it just may take time to go from entry level to some sort of security. 

As to my husband living a "half life without affection" which seems so important to Unbelievable, he has chosen that way of being over and over and over again.

I have begged, pleaded, and given him more of myself and my patience and love than I ever thought possible and then dug down deep again to try. I have stood by him even when I don't agree with his actions, supported him in his career and with his family when things were rotten. If there were things he wanted to do, I said go for it! Be happy doing what you love, we will be there to support you. I do not know what more I could do to make hime open to being loved. I really don't. It breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart because divorce rarely happens in my family. I grew up with loving parents who were dedicated and loving. My siblings have very fufilling, strong marriages. I thought with dedication and active loving, I would too. Somewhere, that went very awry. 

We/I have done couseling. That in and of itself was interesting. Like our marriage, it all became about him. His past, his needs, his wants. Again and again, our couselor kept asking what about your wife. Again and again he would not respond other than circling back to himself. No. He is not a "bad" man just amazingly unable to see the needs of others. Or demonstrate any concern/empathy. 

He is emotionally shut down to the point that he has no contact with anyone in his family. Some of them are really nice, good people. They don't understand his disconnect and neither do I. It almost seems that he pushes away the people that care about him the most. 

He does not bother to engage old friends and after awhile people stop reaching out to him because he does nothing to maintain connections. Even our friendships here are based on them reaching out to him, inviting him, helping him etc....there is little to no reciprocity. 

My big fear for him is that if/when I leave he will have no one. I don't want that for him but I cannot make him reach out to other people. He has created his own island and slowly makes it smaller and smaller. Maybe that is easier/safer for him? I really don't know. I just know I feel like he doesn't care to keep me with him. And that is hard. Really hard.

So while Unbelievable makes it out to be so cut and dry, its not. Its complicated and messy when you care about someone but they seem incapable of caring back.


----------



## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

What, are you 12 years old that you have 8 years to spare? Those years are worth something.


----------



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

lol. The way I see it, even if I wait 8 years it still puts me in my mid 40's. I have always looked forward to my 40's as a time of personal growth, the kids will be at a fascinating, exciting age and so will I.

And yes, those eight years are worth a lot. It is time for me to reconnect with myself, enjoy my children and solidify my dreams. And maybe, just maybe...I can always hope my husband wakes up to what he has? I doubt it but I can always hope...


----------



## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Seriously nnoodle... you're writing my life story in your words... It's uncanny how similar our situations are!



nnoodle said:


> I have begged, pleaded, and given him more of myself and my patience and love than I ever thought possible and then dug down deep again to try. I do not know what more I could do to make hime open to being loved. I really don't. It breaks my heart.


Ditto, I've tried for almost a decade now to have an open, loving relationship with my husband, AND to get him to have the same with his own children, and he shoots me down every time.



nnoodle said:


> He is emotionally shut down to the point that he has no contact with anyone in his family. Some of them are really nice, good people. They don't understand his disconnect and neither do I. It almost seems that he pushes away the people that care about him the most.


Ditto again... My husband's own brothers don't understand his complete lack of concern about his elderly parents. I've tried asking him why he doesn't want to spend time with them or help take care of them, I've told him I would be more than fine if he decided to take some time to go be with his parents, who won't be around much longer. But he just makes excuses and closes himself up again. His family has asked ME point blank what my husband does all day long, they simply don't understand that his entire life is dedicated to his computer, to the complete exclusion of everyone around him that he should care about.



nnoodle said:


> My big fear for him is that if/when I leave he will have no one. I don't want that for him but I cannot make him reach out to other people. He has created his own island and slowly makes it smaller and smaller.


I've said for years that my husband needs nothing more than a dark room, his computer, and a high speed Internet connection. He USED to be social, have friends and interests, go out and participate in life, and be an active member of our family life, but he's given that up for his computer. He's not married to me anymore, he's married to his job and his computer. I've tried telling him, tried opening his eyes up to what he has become, tried explaining the impact this has had on our children, but he just hides further in his shell any time I try to communicate openly with him. 

I love my husband and I want him to have a good, fulfilling life. But he has to want that for himself too in order to make it happen, and he has proven repeatedly over time that he's not willing to try.


----------



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Ahh. Avalon we are in a sticky spot aren't we? 

We still care and want to find a way yet cannot drag them to the water...therein lies the rub. 

I am very curious about your husband's childhood and if this is related to his continuous emotional apathy. 

When I met my husband, I was fairly young from a family whose parents were happily married (albeit not perfect but happy together). I think I was painfully naive about the impacts of an unstable homelife as a result. In no way is that a critism of my parents: I was very lucky to have that type of upbringing. It just made it so I didn't recognise emotional trama when it was in front of me. 

My husband seemed to have navigated his parents crazy lives well but I now know that was a complete front. His dad was married and divorced 3x by the time my hubby was 16. His mom married and divorced 2x then went on to mooch off of wealthy men until she met her ultimate surgar daddy about the time my husband and I met. His mom abandon him when he was 2 and would drift in and out of his life when it suited her ie made her look like a caring involved mom. 

All of this combined I think made my husband what he is today: unable to deal with uncomfortable emotions, shutting down in conflict, unable to connect openly with loved ones. I get it. I do. Which is probably why I have tried so hard for so long. 

But at the same time, I cannot undo his past. I cannot make it better which I think is some of the problem. I have begged him to do couseling. He started then stopped just when I think he was getting to the meat of his issues. I kept thinking if I made our home a happy place and accepting of who he was, in time he would open up. I realize now that cannot happen unless he chooses to open up. 

Not too long ago I made the statement to my husband that he is living out his anger toward his mother through the way he was treating me by deliberately withholding his affection and attention. Of course, he denied it. But I really think there is something to that. 

Over the course of the years, I realize I take into account the things he says he hates about her and avoid doing them at all costs. From stupid things like what I drink, wear (not hard as she has horrible clothings taste), how I talk (volume is a big issue with him, although lately apparently I don't say much right either in tone or volume), how I act when in social situation ie I will never be the woman loudly laughing or drawing attention to myself. 

Yes, I do realize how co-dependant all this sounds/is. Frustrating. 

To say he and now I have "mommy issues" is an understatement. For a woman he has not spoken to in 13 yrs she silently dominates a lot in our lives and I would love to exorcise that dynamic. She is toxic even from afar. 

To complicate matters, our youngest daughter looks EXACTLY like his mom (and him) and has the same exhuberant personlity. I think this silently affects how he relates to our younest too. Again, he denies this but to me it is painfully obvious. 

Uggh. so complicated with so many layers. Like a giant sized onion.


----------

