# Buried hurt and am I a clingy husband



## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

Literally within a week of us marrying, my wife found out her grandmother had passed away. They were so close to each other.

She moved here to Australia with me from China last November. It's been extremely hard for us to adjust to married life. And for the first time in the three years that we have been together, she has decided to take an extended break from me.

She went back to her hometown pretty much with little input from me. Stating that she needed a break. I asked her if she could be back for my birthday (which would mean 8 weeks overseas) but this was not happening. Her parents are very poor and the Chinese way is to help out the parents. So she went back with part of our marital savings and bought them a scooter and sent them away on a nice trip to Thailand.

However, I'm hurting because she has been gone for so long. Nine weeks is a very hard thing to do when you just got married. I don't know what is normal and my head is spinning. She has missed the Chinese Valentines Day and my birthday in favour of lounging around during their summer and having nice meals every day. Her family are feeding her up and looking after her.

Meanwhile I'm left on my own. I'm not living with family. I'm stuck here renting and trying to work my way out of poverty. We are starting over fresh.

I worry that I'm being too clingy to want to see and speak with her every day. I really miss her and feel buried in sadness!

Is this normal?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

It would not be normal in the the southern US but I'm sure there are culture differences at play here. I don't know those factors but maybe someone else here will.

Good luck.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

This is definitely not normal. Not even close. Why doesn't her parents move in with you?


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## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

Her parents are back in China. I am really missing her. I wished that she hadn't gone for so long. She is happy though because she is enjoying the summer vacation with family and getting lots of nice food. Not the case for me. I'm left behind unfortunately. This is not the marriage that I had hoped for...

I hate to complain but what the hell am I supposed to do with this mixed up hurt? I'm very attached to her and it shows. Unfortunately, her culture dictates to treat the husband as more of a means to an end. I found this out the hard way. I never knew this before we married.

In our culture we value closeness and working together for a good future. That seems to be normal. For some reason my girl lacks this empathy gene  She doesn't get the need for us to be close. I wished I'd known prior to marriage because it is me doing all the work to stay in contact with her and try and persuade her from taking off on me.

Bottom line is I'm too attached to her. I just want her here living life with me. I want to share so much with her. She is too busy focusing on working and trying to get an apartment! We are so out of alignment.

I'm 29 next week. Age is catching up! I want to make the most of what's left of my youth. Chilled out and going places. With her I feel immense pressure. And that's the thing I wish we could change between us. That and having her more attached to me!

Us going out and actually living life together. We aren't growing together at all. I see the same boring things slowly happening in our communication. I need growth. I need more


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## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

The thing is I'm hurting because I wish for more but she is the woman I want to share my life with because of all the nice things between us. The gods let us be together and fall in love in the first place. Now I want to grow WITH HER!

We both want to be together. I think it is me that feels hurting and like the dynamic is not good between us. To her everything is ok. I should be happy for that I guess. I feel a little messed up but want to hang onto her and let my marriage grow in the right ways!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married? And were you living in the same area before you got married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

We met in China and lived together for two years. We married over there and then decided to move to Australia. This is the longest period of time that we have been separated.

The sad thing is that I don't feel cared for. She is so money oriented and it is apparently easier to call me a poor man and put me down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

aussie2012 said:


> We met in China and lived together for two years. We married over there and then decided to move to Australia. This is the longest period of time that we have been separated.
> 
> The sad thing is that I don't feel cared for. She is so money oriented and it is apparently easier to call me a poor man and put me down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She calls you a poor man and puts you down? There must be other things going on here. Can you elaborate?


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

So you guys move from her home only after getting married and her gma dies? That sucks, obviously, but that combined with being back home after going to somewhere culturally different and where you don't have any connections can be tough. My husband and I just moved across the U.S. and I feel isolated still, I can't imagine leaving the country. 

As far as culture goes, I think you need to talk to her about what your expectations for a marriage are. They might not match up. You're not going to be able to change her fundamental views on marriage, family, relationships, etc. You can only say what you expected, what you'd like to see, and what you need to see to stay. I'm sure you can find a therapist or counselor of some sort in the area, preferably one that works with couples, who deals with Asian culture and maybe even inter-cultural relationships (seems like something a lot of people experience being that close to Asia). They might be able to help you with finding culturally relevant ways to communicate/connect with her.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Any chance of you moving back to China?


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## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> Any chance of you moving back to China?


Actually we both agreed to stay here in Australia as it is a much better environment with greater earnings potential for us both. It seemed like the logical choice for me because I can get a substantially higher paying job, I have a lot more career and study options, and there's the superannuation payments that will help for when I retire. I didn't want to risk renting and living with no money for the rest of my life over there. Obviously the older you get, the harder it is to fond work. Bearing all that in mind, I think I made the right choice to come back. I love the weather and atmosphere here in Sydney. It's pretty laid back and relaxed.

Anyway, the main issue is that I'm a bit soft and sometimes I feel the need for emotional closeness. After all, I married her also for the companionship. It's nice to have someone to hug at the end of the day. She is more headstrong and independent. I will say that the one good thing about her being away for so long is that it gave me time to reassess a number of things and make some new friends to hang out with. I think I found a balance finally. I'll be maintaining my friendships and going out to have some alone time with my mates like heading out to the pub for a couple of beers and a game of pool. Maybe go and see a live band or two.

The trouble is that I get terribly lonely. I see other couples and it makes me wish that my wife could loosen up and just learn to relax! She says I give her pressure but I think it is the other way around. I'm the sort of person that can sit around down by the harbour soaking up the atmosphere with a couple of drinks. She is completely different andalmost abhors that idea!
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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I'm a lot like you... 

I don't have a lot of close friends, I put most all of my time into my marriage, so when we had issues this last year it was hell on earth for me. My wife went to stay with her mom for 2 weeks and I seriously thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Now mind you there were other issues in our relationship (that hopefully you never have to deal with) but even so, I'm the clingy one in my marriage.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

I find it ironic that you keep mentioning how well she is eating, while you post about how well you are drinking.
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## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

Actually things have deterioated. Two days ago was Chinese Lover's Day. She told me to leave her alone and that I can never make her happy. She is happy to be home. She showed me the quilt she bought but the nasty pointed actions and even stooping as low as to say that our Australian marriage was a joke and she would lose face to show her family. That crushed me. Her response was to go out singing with her friends. My heart has now left. I'm going for counselling to help me through the grief. I left hee heaps of messages talking about our happy memories and not to throw away our future. Unfortunately this time telling me to leave her alone because I can never make her happy has hit the point and I'm leaving her.

My parents are trying to encourage me to tell her to stay where she is and not waste her money on coming back only to have to return to her home again. Instead ask her if she wants to pay for the shipping of her stuff back to China. She has nowhere to stay back there...

It's her appalling treatment of me that has caused my heart to leave her. She promised to return etc but even on valentines day she tells me to stick it. I don't care if she was angry over her laptop screen being broken by me (I repaired it with an identical screen 24hrs later). What hurts me more is the way she said that stuff about our marriage, ran me into the ground, told me to leave her alone and went out singing with her friends. She showed no signs of remorse. That kills me inside. I cried so deeply at the loss that night. The one night where I was truly missing her and wanted her to come home and just wanted her to spend some happy times with me. Instead she yelled at me and called me useless...

I'm going through the motions to divorce her. It's going to be messy and at least tear my heart out. My closest friend keeps telling me to calm down and see to it when she gets back and don't be so keen to walk out on her. Take her to counselling and talk out what she has done to me.

My parents say get rid of her after what she did to me.

I am seriously hurting and looking at the exit but not wanting to let go of what was.

Let me just say that I could have coped with her going home for 9 weeks (though it seriously hurt me too) if only she had maintained regular contact and said nice things to me. Shared her life with me instead of just shutting me out. Right now she is over there playing the single woman after the way she told me what I can do with myself. See why I have had enough and want to seek counselling support for breaking up and divorce? I need some serious help to cope with the intense overwhelming grief. Because I can't function properly in my everyday life. I'm on ky own through it. She is too busy enjoying her life to give a damn about how I feel. I feel I chose the wrong woman and it is killing me. I don't want to be divorced so young and so quickly. We only married for 8 months and she took off. Told me within days of her going home that she doesn't want to come back to the poor surrounds. We are living in a share house. Renting a bedroom yet the money she spent on enjoying herself on her summer holiday could have been spent on us getting better accommodation. Working together like normal couples. I'm not so much upset by her going. Bit more the way on which she has repeatedly blown me off whilst she has been away.

Hey by the way, there's a nice girl that's a little interested in me. I'm tempted to act on it. But I need to know what I'm doing with the woman I'm currently with...
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## aussie2012 (Aug 12, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I'm a lot like you...
> 
> I don't have a lot of close friends, I put most all of my time into my marriage, so when we had issues this last year it was hell on earth for me. My wife went to stay with her mom for 2 weeks and I seriously thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Now mind you there were other issues in our relationship (that hopefully you never have to deal with) but even so, I'm the clingy one in my marriage.


What issues were you dealing with out of curiosity because they may relate to some of mine...
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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

aussie2012 said:


> What issues were you dealing with out of curiosity because they may relate to some of mine...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I apologize for not getting back to you till now, I'm in a new job and have been very busy. 

My wife dropped a bomb on me one day, said she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore, then come to find out she had gone to see an old flame while visiting her parents some 2000 miles away. 

Now 18 months later we are finally starting to get some semblance of a relationship back again. Notice I didn't say marriage, because I think a loving relationship means a lot more than just saying marriage. 

I would have to say our situations are a little different except for the aspect about both our wives having been unsure about their feelings. I believe the reasons here are different. I do not know your wife or her story, I have to go by what you are saying. It would be my opinion that your wife is having a very difficult time dealing with the change that has come from losing someone close to her, and she's not able to seperate the pain from the change in losing her grandmother from the change in her life after marrying you. It is likely that she is struggling mightily to hold onto some sort of familiarity, and going back to be with you would mean giving up even more of what she is familiar with.

Regardless you have an uphill battle. With her being there and you being so far away, the idea of couples counseling is next to impossible. I would also figure that she isn't of the idea that she needs counseling anyway, even individually, which, if she were to get some, would likely help the situation and perhaps even make her consider making the marriage work. 

I wish you the best of luck, first and foremost be true to yourself, I know it is hard right now but putting yourself first now is the most important thing.


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