# My husband has graduate degree but no ambition to use it



## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

My husband and I will have been married 4 years this June. We are both 27 years old.

Met in college, we were both sophomores. I took a gap year between high school and college to earn some money and he flunked out of his very first semester freshman year due to getting involved in illegal drugs and the party scene so he had to retake that year after he got cleaned up. We were 21 when we met. We moved in together about 6 months later.

I worked my way through college working a night shift at a supermarket, so I ended up with only about $8000 worth of student loans. His parents paid for his full bachelor's degree and his rent at his college apartment where we lived. I paid for our food and utility bills. We graduated at 23 and got married 2 months later. I immediately got an entry level job in the field I had gotten my degree in (non profit management). He decided to go to grad school (software engineering). His parents understandably wouldn't pay for that and he ended up with $80,000 worth of student loans over the course of two years of grad school. 

He's now been out of grad school for 2 years. He has not even TRIED to find a job in his field. He has no ambition as far as I can tell and seems perfectly happy working as the assistant manager of the convenience store he's worked at since he was 16, making about $14/hour. I make about $35,000/year as the social media manager of a locally based charitable organization. I'm busy paying off both my student loans and his because he doesn't make enough money to pay his (but he went out and bought himself a brand new Jeep Wranger last September, while my Ford Ranger is a 1998 beater with over 200,000 miles on it). We've lived with his parents now for 4 years because we can't afford to move out (rentals are really expensive here due to more people than there are rental properties). I'd love to move to a bigger city where I can make more money while staying in the non profit sector, but he doesn't want to move away from his family and friends.

We don't have kids nor do we plan to have them until we're settled and in a place of our own. We've talked about waiting until we are in our 30s. But he doesn't seem to be making any progress towards finding a job that will let us get our own place! In the 2 years since he graduated he has not sent out one single resume or gone to a single interview. Instead, he hangs out at the convenience store where he works long past the end of his shifts, even though he doesn't get paid to do so. Then he comes home and sleeps pretty much the rest of the time. On his days off he plays D&D with his high school friends or plays video games all day. I actually created a resume for him and tried sending it out to some jobs I found online, and he refused to talk to any of the companies and recruiters that contacted him. In fact he got really angry with me about it and said I had no right to "interfere" in his life that way!

I don't think he's lazy. His boss at the convenience store loves him and says he's a great worker. I think he's unmotivated and has no ambition. I also think he has very low self esteem, he was horribly bullied in high school because he was super smart but unattractive and lousy at sports and I know he got told that he was a loser a lot and I don't think he's ever really gotten over it. I honestly don't know why he even bothered with the master's degree except that it gave him another 2 years before he had to start adulting. But he's still not adulting two years later and it's starting to really get on my nerves. I can't stand my mother in law and living with her is a nightmare. She expects me to work full time, give her most of my income after I pay our student loans, then help around the house. She never asks HIM to do anything nor does she take his money. She's also horribly verbally abusive to me. If I so much as put a dish out of place in the dishwasher she goes off on me and he never sticks up for me. I honestly think he's kind of afraid of her. My father in law is a long haul trucker and he's only home about one day a week if that.

I do love him, he's funny, and kind, and caring, but I feel like we're stuck. I want something more than this out of life and I'm starting to feel like I'm never going to get it as long as I stay with him. And his lack of doing anything with his life is making it really hard for me to respect him. And even though I love him, a lot of the time I don't like him very much anymore. I'm starting to wonder if it's time to cut my losses and leave. Problem is I'm scared to leave because I went straight from living at home to living at college to living with him. I've never been alone in my life and the thought of trying to be independent scares me half to death. But I also know that's not a good reason to stick around in a place where I feel like I'm never going to have a chance to live the life I want to live. And I'm terrified that if he's still refusing to adult at 27 he's never going to get there.

I would truly love some advice on how to at least attempt to make this marriage work before I give up on it. Any ideas out there at all?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It’s time for you to move out of your in-laws house even if it means sharing an apartment with other people. Do not bring your husband, just Tell Peter Pan it’s time he grew up and let go of his Mommy’s apron strings.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If you’re looking for back up on potentially leaving him well you found it.

I think you should let him know how serious this has gotten for you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It sounds like you have been suppressing how you feel. That is not going to work. You need to wake your husband up that you’re literally about to bounce. Unfortunately to many times we men can be oblivious to hints that our woman is giving us. 

Your dissatisfaction with the marriage and with your husband’s lack of movement is nothing for you to feel guilty of. You have been putting in more into the marriage than you’re getting. That’s not sustainable for long. I just strongly suggest that you get real with your husband. This is not a time for vague hints.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

My suggestion is to consider a legal separation.

Visit a lawyer. The initial consultation is often free.

Have your budget ready to show. Share your situation, and learn what your legal choices are.

And I would find a way to move out. Quickly.

If you're paying his mother, then you can pay someone else. Renting a room in someone's house can be quite inexpensive.

Unfortuantely, you've married into a very dysfunctional family.

And, if it were me, I wouldn't discuss this with your husband. I wouldn't have anymore talks with him about much of anything. And I say that because he's not listening in any sort of way that matters.

He's protecting himself. He's taking care of himself. He's passive, and he's shown you that he's fine with the way things are.

So, do what you need to do to take care of you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband is stuck in "child" mode because his parents and you have enabled him. Honestly if you have been living with your in laws for four years I wouldn't call you a mature adult either.

Time to grow up and set some goals. He has three months to find a better job, then you two move out on your own, or you move out by yourself as a single woman.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He’s never going to change. Dump him now or regret it later.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your MIL asks for your money but not his? Is that a cultural thing?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Your MIL asks for your money but not his? Is that a cultural thing?


It’s a control move. How can the op ever save enough money to get her own place when mil takes most of her cash.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A lot of women wait at the finish line and pick the winner (credit- Richard Cooper) 

Some young women speculate on the sexy undergrad that says he’s going to be a Dr/lawyer and hope he follows through. Some do, and many don’t. 

Some young men need the hopes of getting a pretty girl some day to motivate them through school and to pursue a decent career. 
- and some guys get the pretty girl when they are still young and so they sit back and don’t push themselves further. 

You kinda got burned here. You speculated on his future success and he failed to live up to his potential. 

He got the pretty girl and is having sex. Not only that, the girl along with his mommy are housing him and paying his bills and obligations, so he is able to hang out with his buddies and his low-stress, easy job that he is familiar with and he is a failure-to-launch. 

He may start adulting when the pretty girl stops having sex with him and leaves his for an actual adult. 

It may even take mommy kicking him out and stop paying his bills. 

My suggestion is see a lawyer and see what you debt and spousal support obligations might be if you divorce. 

You may get stuck with some of his debt payment since the loans came after you were married.

I doubt if you’ll have to do spousal support since he has a marketable degree and you haven’t been married that long but you need to check with a lawyer to be sure.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> If you’re looking for back up on potentially leaving him well you found it.
> 
> I think you should let him know how serious this has gotten for you.


I've talked to him about it many times. He doesn't seem to get it. He thinks it's enough that he has a job at all, even though it's a dead end low income position that is way below what he is capable of doing. He says I'm "pushing" him into something he doesn't want to do, which is leave his current position in favor of something that would pay better and actually use his skills. Quite honestly I think he's afraid. He doesn't think he's good enough to do anything other than work at a gas station.
His father has also tried to talk to him. About how he's wasting his money, his education, his intelligence on a dead end job. About how he is a "disappointment" to his parents after all the money they spent on his college degree. His father has also tried to tell him how unfair he is being to me. But nothing seems to get through to him, or maybe he just doesn't want to listen because he doesn't want to change.
The sad thing is, he's really smart, and a really hard worker. He got fantastic grades at both the undergrad (after he spent a few months in rehab) and the grad level. As a matter of fact he got a perfect 4.0 GPA in a very difficult graduate program. He could have gotten a permanent job from the company where he did his internship, they loved him and asked him to stay. But he turned them down - he told me he didn't like the corporate culture there. Now I think that was just an excuse.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your MIL asks for your money but not his? Is that a cultural thing?


She insists that we pay rent but says it has to come from me because he can't afford it. According to her, a "man" needs spending money and therefore he should be allowed to use his income however he sees fit.

And yes, she's being a hypocrite, because she hasn't worked a day in her life. Married young, had kids young, never worked outside the home and has always expected her husband and daughters to do most of the work in the home. Now it's me and my sister in law who also still lives at home (she's only 19) who seem to do everything. I don't think the woman even knows how to cook anything that can't be microwaved.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Yeah the key point here is to let him know you’re going to leave and deliver that ultimatum. 

His chosen academic subject isn’t for everyone. I have seen many people in his field with a similar education level bail on it. Thing is you should bail to something that at least wants a BS/BA degree even if in an unrelated field.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Another tidbit of information to file away and keep in your pocket going forward is when a person becomes an addict, their personal development stops at that point.

If he was in his upper teens when he became addicted, his development stopped at that point and he essentially became “stuck” as a 19 year old.

He may have had the intellectual ability to get through grad school; But his personal and maturity development appears to still be stuck at a 20 year old level that wants to hang with his buddies, play video games and go to work at a familiar, low-demand job. 

Is he under professional treatment for his addiction???

Even though he may not be currently using (are you sure he’s not still using???) his development has been delayed and he is functioning at a 19/20 year old level.

Proper addiction treatment and therapy can help him get back on an adult developmental path.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> A lot of women wait at the finish line and pick the winner (credit- Richard Cooper)
> 
> Some young women speculate on the sexy undergrad that says he’s going to be a Dr/lawyer and hope he follows through. Some do, and many don’t.
> 
> ...


Actually no. He didn't get the pretty girl and we aren't having sex. Number one because neither one of us is attractive. Number two because we are both asexual. We actually met in college through the student body's PRIDE association which we were both very active in (we were both very confused about our sexuality at the time and hoping to figure out our orientation through the group). We fell very much in love emotionally and intellectually and got together because we loved being together even though we had no sexual attraction to each other. And we had a ton of stuff in common - we both loved reading, and scifi movies, and RPG, and long drives in the country, and local history, and just so many other things. We just clicked if you know what I mean. And we did both want kids someday and figured out it would make more sense to have them with someone else who was OK with ONLY having sex for purposes of having children. We've had sex, it did nothing for either one of us, so we stopped. And we've both been with other people in the past with the same results, so we know it's true asexuality and not demi-sexuality.

And I didn't marry him because I thought he was going to be successful financially. His bachelor's degree was in science. He had originally intended to be a high school science teacher, and his grad work was supposed to be in secondary education. Then he got really into coding and decided to do his grad work in software engineering and become a programmer. He aced the program, too. Only to have completely lost interest in it almost as soon as he had graduated. But believe me, I wasn't concerned about his future income, considering I thought he was going to be a teacher in a state that pays their teachers for ****.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Another tidbit of information to file away and keep in your pocket going forward is when a person becomes an addict, their personal development stops at that point.
> 
> If he was in his upper teens when he became addicted, his development stopped at that point and he essentially became “stuck” as a 19 year old.
> 
> ...


He was in rehab for about 4 months when he was 19. He was only using for a few months during the first semester of his freshman year. He hasn't had any treatment since then. Also he told me he never used anything other than alcohol, pot and LSD and that he only used at parties because he didn't have the money to buy his own. But I've never totally believed him because that shouldn't have been enough to make a bright kid flunk out of school in their very first semester.

I have no reason to believe he is still using, but it is something to consider, what with the fact that he does spend SO much time at work outside of his working hours, and the gas station he works at is smack in the middle of gang territory with lots of drug dealing going on. So he certainly would have easy access. But if he is using, he's doing a good job of hiding it at home. It would explain where all his money is going though, he never seems to have any even though he doesn't help pay the bills at all.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> Actually no. He didn't get the pretty girl and we aren't having sex. Number one because neither one of us is attractive. Number two because we are both asexual. We actually met in college through the student body's PRIDE association which we were both very active in (we were both very confused about our sexuality at the time and hoping to figure out our orientation through the group). We fell very much in love emotionally and intellectually and got together because we loved being together even though we had no sexual attraction to each other. And we had a ton of stuff in common - we both loved reading, and scifi movies, and RPG, and long drives in the country, and local history, and just so many other things. We just clicked if you know what I mean. And we did both want kids someday and figured out it would make more sense to have them with someone else who was OK with ONLY having sex for purposes of having children. We've had sex, it did nothing for either one of us, so we stopped. And we've both been with other people in the past with the same results, so we know it's true asexuality and not demi-sexuality.
> 
> And I didn't marry him because I thought he was going to be successful financially. His bachelor's degree was in science. He had originally intended to be a high school science teacher, and his grad work was supposed to be in secondary education. Then he got really into coding and decided to do his grad work in software engineering and become a programmer. He aced the program, too. Only to have completely lost interest in it almost as soon as he had graduated. But believe me, I wasn't concerned about his future income, considering I thought he was going to be a teacher in a state that pays their teachers for ****.


A teacher is still an educated professional making a steady adult income with adult responsibilities.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> A teacher is still an educated professional making a steady adult income with adult responsibilities.


True. But a full time convenience store manager could be considered a steady income with responsibilities. He certainly seems to think it is. He thinks it's unfair of me to push him to find a better job when he likes the job he has. I think he likes his job because it doesn't ask anything of him except to show up and do his regular daily duties none of which really require him to think much. Sometimes I really feel like he's afraid of things that require him to make an adult level decision. I really wish he'd get some therapy but whenever I bring it up, he acts like I'm putting him down or something. He really is scarred from all the bullying he went through during his teen years. Even a slight criticism, he sees as a personal attack. I don't know how to talk to him about trying to make things better without triggering his insecurities.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

First step: Stop paying his student loans. 
Second step: Cut the amount you pay your MIL in half until you can rent a room somewhere. Her Precious can pay his own way.
Third step: You can still be friends if you divorce - that is all you are anyway.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Third step: You can still be friends if you divorce - that is all you are anyway.


I find this comment extremely offensive to those of us who identify as ACE. Are you saying we don't have a legitimate marriage just because we don't have sex? Is is possible that maybe I have misunderstood this community and it isn't friendly to those of us who are in non traditional marriages? Just because we aren't in a sexual marriage does NOT mean we don't love each other every bit as much as a sexually active couple. Are you one of those people who believes that there is no such thing as asexuality and that we just need to "find the right person" to bring out our sexual side? Because I'll have you know that's a bunch of total ********.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> I find this comment extremely offensive to those of us who identify as ACE. Are you saying we don't have a legitimate marriage just because we don't have sex? Is is possible that maybe I have misunderstood this community and it isn't friendly to those of us who are in non traditional marriages? Just because we aren't in a sexual marriage does NOT mean we don't love each other every bit as much as a sexually active couple. Are you one of those people uuhqwho believes that there is no such thing as asexuality and that we just need to "find the right person" to bring out our sexual side? Because I'll have you know that's a bunch of total ******.


You are very quick to take offense and defend yourself and your husband when you feel attacked. Why can’t you bring this defensiveness into your personal relationship with your husband and mil.
Come down off your high horse, you came to an anonymous forum looking for advice. Just because you didn’t get what you wanted doesn’t mean that the advice isn’t appropriate and correct.
Anyone reading your tread can see that you’re nothing but a live in unpaid maid who lives with a man child who has serious mother issues. I think there’s a good reason why his father doesn’t come home much, he feels like he’s an intrusive presence in his own home and recognizes that it’s not healthy.
Look up Jocasta complex.
And maybe Oedipus complex while your at it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> I find this comment extremely offensive to those of us who identify as ACE. Are you saying we don't have a legitimate marriage just because we don't have sex? Is is possible that maybe I have misunderstood this community and it isn't friendly to those of us who are in non traditional marriages? Just because we aren't in a sexual marriage does NOT mean we don't love each other every bit as much as a sexually active couple. Are you one of those people who believes that there is no such thing as asexuality and that we just need to "find the right person" to bring out our sexual side? Because I'll have you know that's a bunch of total ******.


I don't even know what ACE is. I don't care if you're screwing or not. Your husband isn't behaving as a husband. He is behaving like an entitled child who expects his mommies to take care of him. If he actually loved you, he would be concerned about his and your financial futures. As it is, he's only concerned about his do nothing job. Yeah, you picked a winner there. Congratulations on getting screwed while not getting screwed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> I find this comment extremely offensive to those of us who identify as ACE. Are you saying we don't have a legitimate marriage just because we don't have sex? Is is possible that maybe I have misunderstood this community and it isn't friendly to those of us who are in non traditional marriages? Just because we aren't in a sexual marriage does NOT mean we don't love each other every bit as much as a sexually active couple. Are you one of those people who believes that there is no such thing as asexuality and that we just need to "find the right person" to bring out our sexual side? Because I'll have you know that's a bunch of total ******.


People aren’t being mean. 

They are telling you uncomfortable truths instead of comforting lies. 

They are on your side and trying to help, but keep in mind that blowing sunshine up your backside does not help.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

My husband does have an unhealthy relationship with his mother, but not the way people are suggesting it. He actually hates her, she's horrible to everyone including her own kids - except, for some reason, him! Her oldest son moved out of the country entirely some years ago and hasn't come home since the day he left, he doesn't talk to anyone in the family anymore because MIL treated his wife so badly. I do know my husband feels like he has to protect his younger sisters until they are ready to move out. MIL treats her daughters like slaves and they are too afraid of her to go against her wishes so he's always running intervention for them. We've actually gone to CPS and they've told us there's nothing they can do unless the abuse becomes physical, which it never has, but the 19 year old (who is mentally ill) has been institutionalized more than once for attempting suicide. But somehow they always send her home again even though it's the worst place for her. As far as my father in law is concerned, he's a useless piece of **** who has a different woman in every pit stop on his route. It's amazing he ever comes home at all. But for some reason MIL treats my husband better than she treats the rest of the family. She never asks him to help out or to give her money and in fact she's the one who cosigned on his new Jeep that he couldn't afford. She seems completely blind to the fact that he hates her and wishes she would drop dead just like the rest of the family does. 
So I DO understand why he doesn't want to move out. But I don't understand why he won't get a better job so that maybe he can not only get us out of this house, but his sisters as well.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> He’s never going to change. Dump him now or regret it later.


Especially before you pay off his student loans.

Tell your story to a lawyer. I would be interested in how they believe the assets should be divided.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

jsmart said:


> It sounds like you have been suppressing how you feel. That is not going to work. You need to wake your husband up that you’re literally about to bounce. Unfortunately to many times we men can be oblivious to hints that our woman is giving us.
> 
> Your dissatisfaction with the marriage and with your husband’s lack of movement is nothing for you to feel guilty of. You have been putting in more into the marriage than you’re getting. That’s not sustainable for long. I just strongly suggest that you get real with your husband. This is not a time for vague hints.


Yup, I agree 100% with this!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are actually many people who do not work in the field they qualified in. 

There was an interview with a man who after he gained his PhD in astrophysics and published his thesis, which was of considerable value in the field he did his research in, realised he had nothing more to contribute to his field of research so sought alternative employment as an actor in hardcore porn movies.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> I find this comment extremely offensive to those of us who identify as ACE. Are you saying we don't have a legitimate marriage just because we don't have sex? Is is possible that maybe I have misunderstood this community and it isn't friendly to those of us who are in non traditional marriages? Just because we aren't in a sexual marriage does NOT mean we don't love each other every bit as much as a sexually active couple. Are you one of those people who believes that there is no such thing as asexuality and that we just need to "find the right person" to bring out our sexual side? Because I'll have you know that's a bunch of total ******.


No, you don’t have what many people would consider a legitimate marriage. Sorry if that’s offensive to you but that’s reality. Marriage is an inherently sexual relationship, that’s the point.

I have a number of people I share common interests / history with, have respect and affection for, companionship and emotional connection with. These are called friends, buddies brothers, sisters. One of the key things that separates them from my wife is that she’s the only one I have a sexually intimate relationship dynamic with.

You don’t have to agree, and you can have whatever kind of marriage you want - but don’t expect the vast majority of people to change the common understanding of marriage dynamics because you don’t or can’t fit into it.

And to be “extremely offended” over such innocuous and comment said in the context of trying to help you... it seems your husband is not the only one who is overly sensitive to things he doesn’t want to hear. 
Also, just because people may not placate your sensitivities or your non-typical marriage dynamic doesn’t make the community unfriendly towards you. Everyone here has been trying to offer you legitimate, good faith advice to improve your situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't even know what ACE is. I don't care if you're screwing or not. Your husband isn't behaving as a husband. He is behaving like an entitled child who expects his mommies to take care of him. If he actually loved you, he would be concerned about his and your financial futures. As it is, he's only concerned about his do nothing job. Yeah, you picked a winner there. Congratulations on getting screwed while not getting screwed.


It is short for asexual.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> No, you don’t have what many people would consider a legitimate marriage. Sorry if that’s offensive to you but that’s reality. Marriage is an inherently sexual relationship, that’s the point.
> 
> I have a number of people I share common interests / history with, have respect and affection for, companionship and emotional connection with. These are called friends, buddies brothers, sisters. One of the key things that separates them from my wife is that she’s the only one I have a sexually intimate relationship dynamic with.
> 
> ...


So, the only definition of a legitimate marriage is if the couple are having sex? That's actually not true as there are many couples who do not have sex for reasons of infirmity, disability, etc.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Let’s take sexuality COMPLETELY out of this equation. It still = zero.

OP, gtfo of this lame ass situation. 

Time to adult.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Another tidbit of information to file away and keep in your pocket going forward is when a person becomes an addict, their personal development stops at that point.
> 
> If he was in his upper teens when he became addicted, his development stopped at that point and he essentially became “stuck” as a 19 year old.


This ^^. He'll never mature beyond this point. That's the reality.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> So, the only definition of a legitimate marriage is if the couple are having sex? That's actually not true as there are many couples who do not have sex for reasons of infirmity, disability, etc.


Yes, but the attraction is still there though.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> So, the only definition of a legitimate marriage is if the couple are having sex? That's actually not true as there are many couples who do not have sex for reasons of infirmity, disability, etc.


Agreed, but I would suggest that the VAST majority of those marriages were once sexualy intimate in nature, so the dynamic still holds.

I’m not trying to criticize OP’s marriage, or suggest that they shouldn’t be married. Only stating the obvious reality, that a non-sexual marriage dynamic is not what most people would consider to be aligned with the main foundation of marriage. So expect that peoples thoughts and advice will probably come from within that paradigm.
And as such, to be offended by an innocuous, comment made in good faith is something one may want to reflect on.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> Agreed, but I would suggest that the VAST majority of those marriages were one sexualy intimate in nature, so the dynamic still holds.
> 
> I’m not trying to criticize OP’s marriage, or suggest that they shouldn’t be married. Only stating the obvious reality, that a non-sexual marriage dynamic is not what most people would consider to be aligned with the main foundation of marriage. So expect that peoples thoughts and advice will probably come from within that paradigm.
> And as such, to be offended by an innocuous, comment made in good faith is something one may want to reflect on.


Mansplaining 101:

You can have intimacy without textbook sex 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Stop paying his student loans!!!!!

Force him to grow up.

You can complain all you want. He isn’t going to change until he HAS to change.

Tough love time. The question is are you able to.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Mansplaining 101:
> 
> You can have intimacy without textbook sex
> 
> ...


Unfortunately I can’t take anyone seriously who uses the term mansplaning unironically.

But if the attempted point was to suggest that intimacy does not necessarily require sexuality, I agree. I have an (non-sexual) intimate connection with a tiny handful of people that’s arguably deeper in some ways than my wife. What does that have to do with sexually intimacy generally being considered a core dynamic of marriage?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> Unfortunately I can’t take anyone seriously who uses the term mansplaning unironically.
> 
> But if the attempted point was to suggest that intimacy does not necessarily require sexuality, I agree. I have an (non-sexual) intimate connection with a tiny handful of people that’s arguably deeper in some ways than my wife. What does that have to do with sexually intimacy generally being considered a core dynamic of marriage?


It’s not your place (nor mine) to define their marriage. I think we all agree it’s ****ed either way. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Your husband is most likely always going to work a low wage job. He went to college to appease his parents. Either be happy supporting him or dump him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> My husband and I will have been married 4 years this June. We are both 27 years old.
> 
> Met in college, we were both sophomores. I took a gap year between high school and college to earn some money and he flunked out of his very first semester freshman year due to getting involved in illegal drugs and the party scene so he had to retake that year after he got cleaned up. We were 21 when we met. We moved in together about 6 months later.
> 
> ...


If you were my daughter I would never have let you marry this unambitious man-child in the first place. You rushed into marriage with this man-child. Did you not see the red flags? I would suggest that you give him a deadline to get his act together because if he does not change this will cause you untold misery. You will have kids and still end up handling everything and taking care of your man-child too. He has never grown up because he did not have to. His mum controlled him and now all he wants is another mummy who will do it all for him. Why should you pay for his family too? Girl you need to get out of this. 

I suggest you apply for a job in a bigger city as you already planned. Why should you put your career dreams on hold for this man child, seriously! He may be funny, caring etc. but that does not pay the bills or create a life partner you can actually depend on. My golden retriever is all of those things! Get yourself a dog if you want caring, funny and kind! 
Then tell him you will move there first. You can set up a good life. If he has made no moves to better himself, get a job in the larger city then file for divorce. You are still young and can meet someone who has the same dreams for their life as you do and not a free-rider like this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> A lot of women wait at the finish line and pick the winner (credit- Richard Cooper)
> 
> Some young women speculate on the sexy undergrad that says he’s going to be a Dr/lawyer and hope he follows through. Some do, and many don’t.
> 
> ...



There is a lot of truth in what you write here. i married a non academic student ( he scraped through his degree) though I saw potential and was sooooo in love (eyes rolling now). He worked in his profession but partied all the way through his 20s while I worked and earned double his salary in my profession. It was only when I got pregnant that he began to realise he needed to man up as he now had a child that was wholly dependent and a wife who could no longer put in the longer hours. Males sometimes grow up later, however the OP's H is really a slacker, wasted so much money on a Masters and does nothing with it!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> My husband does have an unhealthy relationship with his mother, but not the way people are suggesting it. He actually hates her, she's horrible to everyone including her own kids - except, for some reason, him! Her oldest son moved out of the country entirely some years ago and hasn't come home since the day he left, he doesn't talk to anyone in the family anymore because MIL treated his wife so badly. I do know my husband feels like he has to protect his younger sisters until they are ready to move out. MIL treats her daughters like slaves and they are too afraid of her to go against her wishes so he's always running intervention for them. We've actually gone to CPS and they've told us there's nothing they can do unless the abuse becomes physical, which it never has, but the 19 year old (who is mentally ill) has been institutionalized more than once for attempting suicide. But somehow they always send her home again even though it's the worst place for her. As far as my father in law is concerned, he's a useless piece of **** who has a different woman in every pit stop on his route. It's amazing he ever comes home at all. But for some reason MIL treats my husband better than she treats the rest of the family. She never asks him to help out or to give her money and in fact she's the one who cosigned on his new Jeep that he couldn't afford. She seems completely blind to the fact that he hates her and wishes she would drop dead just like the rest of the family does.
> So I DO understand why he doesn't want to move out. But I don't understand why he won't get a better job so that maybe he can not only get us out of this house, but his sisters as well.


You are in a really unhealthy environment for your own well being. It is one thing getting married to a man who does not pull his weight it is something else entirely being drawn into toxic circumstances not of your own making at all. It will eventually bring you down too if you do not get out. Your MIL is using your son as a substitute husband as your FIL is not there much, can't you see that? She is twisted and bitter at how her life has turned out and taking it out on the other kids. You do not have to be part of this equation at all. Go, no RUN to the bigger city, start a life and ask hubby to join you when he gets his s*** together. If he doesn't then separate.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

He hasn't changed, he's still the same guy you married. People are not houses, you can't buy a fixer upper and hope to make a mansion. It's not like he pretended to be ambitious or even responsible. He showed his cards early on and you signed off.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> He hasn't changed, he's still the same guy you married. People are not houses, you can't buy a fixer upper and hope to make a mansion. It's not like he pretended to be ambitious or even responsible. He showed his cards early on and you signed off.


I'm not sure what you mean about "he showed his cards early on"? When I met him during our sophomore year, he was the vice president of the LGBTQ association, a student association senator, on the college newspaper staff, a straight A student (he graduated with a 3.8 GPA), and was working nights at the convenience store! He had plans to become a college computer science professor someday. He was working his butt off to make up for blowing his first semester and getting himself kicked out because he felt absolutely horrible about it. We actually were competing for 3 years to see who graduated with the higher GPA and we both put our all into it! Then he started grad school and pulled a 4.0 in a difficult program despite the fact that he was still working the graveyard shift at the convenience store while doing his grad work. His professors loved him, his employers at his internship loved him and actually wanted to hire him but he turned them down because he didn't like working there. I had every reason to believe that once he had finished his grad degree he would start looking for a job in his field of study rather than staying at the gas station where he has been knifed, shot at, and otherwise put in danger. Sometimes I honestly can't help but wonder if he actually likes working there because he gets some kind of adrenaline rush out of it. I mean, they have drug busts and gang shootings in that neighborhood on a weekly basis. I would have thought that ending up in the hospital with a knife to the stomach that could have killed him would have been enough to make him want to get out of there but it's like he spends every minute he possibly can at the place. I've never known anyone else who wanted to work double shifts at a dead end job while only getting paid for one. It makes me wonder what the attraction is. Maybe the previous poster who suggested that he's doing drugs again is right, but I have no idea how to find out. I'd love to get him in for a full bloodwork panel, but we don't have health insurance at either of our jobs and he refuses to spend money for a doctor.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@A.Dora.Belle Was he ever ambitious? If so, when did he lose his ambitions? Does he gain pleasure from the job he is doing?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> it's like he spends every minute he possibly can at the place. I've never known anyone else who wanted to work double shifts at a dead end job while only getting paid for one. It makes me wonder what the attraction is.


Two things come to mind: He has a romantic interest in one of his coworkers or he stays at the job to avoid being at home with his mother.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Two things come to mind: He has a romantic interest in one of his coworkers or he stays at the job to avoid being at home with his mother.


Maybe it gives him a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose, yet one with a limited amount of responsibilities?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> he flunked out of his very first semester freshman year due to getting involved in illegal drugs and the party scene


That's what I meant by showed his cards. And yes I know not everyone who does drugs becomes a loser, but there's a reason I never wifed up any of the party girls I dated.

We can talk about the past all day, the question is how do you want the rest of your life to look like. Only you can answer that. I wish you all the best and hope you find your happiness.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@MattMatt - Excellent point! Sounds viable to me, given his home life and family issues.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> I'm not sure what you mean about "he showed his cards early on"? When I met him during our sophomore year, he was the vice president of the LGBTQ association, a student association senator, on the college newspaper staff, a straight A student (he graduated with a 3.8 GPA), and was working nights at the convenience store! He had plans to become a college computer science professor someday. He was working his butt off to make up for blowing his first semester and getting himself kicked out because he felt absolutely horrible about it. We actually were competing for 3 years to see who graduated with the higher GPA and we both put our all into it! Then he started grad school and pulled a 4.0 in a difficult program despite the fact that he was still working the graveyard shift at the convenience store while doing his grad work. His professors loved him, his employers at his internship loved him and actually wanted to hire him but he turned them down because he didn't like working there. I had every reason to believe that once he had finished his grad degree he would start looking for a job in his field of study rather than staying at the gas station where he has been knifed, shot at, and otherwise put in danger. Sometimes I honestly can't help but wonder if he actually likes working there because he gets some kind of adrenaline rush out of it. I mean, they have drug busts and gang shootings in that neighborhood on a weekly basis. I would have thought that ending up in the hospital with a knife to the stomach that could have killed him would have been enough to make him want to get out of there but it's like he spends every minute he possibly can at the place. I've never known anyone else who wanted to work double shifts at a dead end job while only getting paid for one. It makes me wonder what the attraction is. Maybe the previous poster who suggested that he's doing drugs again is right, but I have no idea how to find out. I'd love to get him in for a full bloodwork panel, but we don't have health insurance at either of our jobs and he refuses to spend money for a doctor.


The fact that he is very intelligent is not enough. I have a family member who is very intelligent (essentially genius level on IQ tests), but at the same time, is unable to function in an adult role due to other personality issues.

What he is not showing is maturity and responsibility, which I believe you already know. He has taken on the obligation of $80,000 of student debt, but is not making any effort to meet that responsibility. From what you describe, his mother is likely a big factor in his lack of development of a sense of responsibility. People who shoulder their responsibilities do what they have to do, even though that's not what they want to do as a first choice. Responsible single moms make sure their kids are fed and taken care of, not letting them fend for themselves as she sits in a bar flirting with men. Responsible fathers grind it out day by day, eating the **** they get from their bosses, in order to put food on the table and make a better life for their families.

You don't have a true marriage, but it's not because of lack of sexual intimacy; rather, it is due to your husband's lack of accepting an adult responsibility to his wife. Part of loving someone is desire do everything to make things better for that person. I've heard one definition of love is that "their happiness is more important to you than your own." We can debate that, but it certainly is a starting point for discussion. Does he seem to care about your happiness? He worries about the way his mother treats his siblings, but how about how his mother treats his wife? Honestly, from what you describe I don't hear anything from him that describes a TRUE love for you. I'm not talking about him being happy with your because it brings him emotional pleasure. That's something he's GETTING from you. What I'm talking about is a true love where he'd be willing to make sacrifices for his spouse.  I'm not seeing that here.

So, no, I'm not sure he REALLY loves you. I think he just enjoys the benefits he gets from being with you--not just financial, but emotional. 

He's intelligent, but he's emotionally stunted. And he's not exhibiting a loving, adult marital bond with you. 

You should leave him. It may be the shock he will need to re-examine his life and change, allowing you two to have a real marriage. If not, then you shouldn't be with him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> I've talked to him about it many times. He doesn't seem to get it. He thinks it's enough that he has a job at all, even though it's a dead end low income position that is way below what he is capable of doing. He says I'm "pushing" him into something he doesn't want to do, which is leave his current position in favor of something that would pay better and actually use his skills. Quite honestly I think he's afraid. He doesn't think he's good enough to do anything other than work at a gas station.
> His father has also tried to talk to him. About how he's wasting his money, his education, his intelligence on a dead end job. About how he is a "disappointment" to his parents after all the money they spent on his college degree. His father has also tried to tell him how unfair he is being to me. But nothing seems to get through to him, or maybe he just doesn't want to listen because he doesn't want to change.
> The sad thing is, he's really smart, and a really hard worker. He got fantastic grades at both the undergrad (after he spent a few months in rehab) and the grad level. As a matter of fact he got a perfect 4.0 GPA in a very difficult graduate program. He could have gotten a permanent job from the company where he did his internship, they loved him and asked him to stay. But he turned them down - he told me he didn't like the corporate culture there. Now I think that was just an excuse.


So first, STOP giving all of your money to the MIL. Stash a bunch away BEFORE you give her anything.
Two, your H has been coddled and handed everything to him on a silver platter -- and he likes that and continues in that now. YOU need to stop paying HIS college debt NOW. Tell him HE needs to pay for that 100% himself and you will no longer do that (take any $$ you did for that and put it into an account where only YOU have access).
"he didn't like the corporate culture there" -- because he IS lazy and didn't want to have to actually work and do something harder than working at a gas station.
Tell him HE needs to go to a counselor to find out why he is like this -- he is avoidant of everything it sounds like, including actually LIVING his own life.
Talk to your FIL and tell him to through you both out of the house -- get a deadline from him -- maybe THAT would be the kick in the pants H needs to start providing for his family.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @A.Dora.Belle Was he ever ambitious? If so, when did he lose his ambitions? Does he gain pleasure from the job he is doing?


In college all he ever talked about was wanting to be the "next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs." When his older brother still lived in the area, the two of them actually started a business together, they wanted to do mobile app development. Then my MIL had a meltdown at a family gathering that left my very pregnant sister in law in tears. Brother and sister in law walked out, cut all ties, and never came back. If I could pinpoint any event that really impacted my husband, that was it. He was extremely close to his brother and it really hurts him that his brother cut him off along with the rest of the family.

And I don't think he likes the job, he doesn't talk about it much but when he does it's mostly to complain about what a b**** his boss (the store owner) is. I know he can't stand her. But I do know he considers his coworkers, all of whom are males in their late teens/early 20s, to be among his closest friends. He does seem to get a rather sick thrill out of telling his mother every time something happens at work that results in violence and/or police involvement. He knows it totally freaks her out. She hates that he works there. Which probably contributes to why he stays since he loves to piss her off. He doesn't seem to think about the fact that it also upsets me and his sisters, especially since he got knifed a few years ago by one of their customers trying to rob the till.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Two things come to mind: He has a romantic interest in one of his coworkers or he stays at the job to avoid being at home with his mother.


First is unlikely since he's asexual. And definitely not interested in men at all. And the only woman he works with is 30 years older than he is.
Second is a possibility although I'm wondering more now if it's not to piss her off because she hates him working there.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

As Dan Savage says, the only leverage you have over someone else is your presence in their life.

You will have to make it clear to your man-child that your staying married to him is contingent upon him growing up. The choice is yours to make, and his to decide how to respond. Nothing that you are asking of him seems to me unreasonable from a spouse. You are still young enough (by far) that a decision either way would be acceptable, even though painful.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

It would appear I'm going to have to have a long talk with him, and preferably someplace other than at home where his mother will butt in every chance she gets (it's a lot of people in a small house and it's almost impossible to have a private conversation). Lately it seems like we're never home at the same time since I work all day and he generally goes to work around 7 pm even though his shift is 11 pm to 7 am. And he's usually asleep when we are home at the same time. I'm just going to have to force the issue though. I can't go on like this. Even if it means going back home and staying with my parents temporarily while keeping the same job (they only live about 40 miles away) until I can find something else. I just can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm the only sane person in this household. And honestly there just doesn't seem to be any point in being married anymore, there's no way I want to have kids with him if he doesn't get his act together, and I do want to have kids someday even if through adoption. And I honestly don't want my b**** of an MIL to be the grandmother of my children.
I just don't know how to do this. For all that's going on, he's my best friend, he's the only guy who has ever showed any interest in me (I'm not exactly attractive and some people would call me downright unattractive), and I hate the thought of being all alone. But I can't put up with the family dynamic in this household anymore and if he feels like he needs to stay here for the sake of his sisters, he's going to have to go it alone, because if I stay here much longer I think I'm going to lose my mind and sink to the level of the rest of this messed up family.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Decide what you can and cannot take. If you have, draw the line in the sand. I recommend that you now start asking questions of the group so that you can get the answers you need. The pros here will walk with you step by step, if you want that kind of assistance. However, if you ask for help, you must be willing to follow the advice. Questions such as, "I've decided to get a divorce. What's the first step?"


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Decide what you can and cannot take. If you have, draw the line in the sand. I recommend that you now start asking questions of the group so that you can get the answers you need. The pros here will walk with you step by step, if you want that kind of assistance. However, if you ask for help, you must be willing to follow the advice. Questions such as, "I've decided to get a divorce. What's the first step?"


Thanks. I don't need help getting a divorce, I actually work in a legal aid office. I'm sure I can have it handled by someone I work with. My issue is deciding at what point I'm going to call it quits. This weekend I'm going to talk to him about the possibility of both of us taking some time off of work and going away together for a few days. My family has a small hunting cabin in the Adirondack Park, I'm thinking we could head up there for a 3 or 4 day weekend so we can just talk about this and figure out where we are going and whether it will be together or apart. If he tells me he can't take the time off of work for a little retreat for just the two of us, I think I'll have my answer as to what I need to do


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> If he tells me he can't take the time off of work for a little retreat for just the two of us, I think I'll have my answer as to what I need to do


Only if what he says is not true. As far as help, I'm not talking about the technical aspects. That's what lawyer's get paid to do. I'm talking about the emotional aspects.

If you're willing to set up a weekend with him, you're not ready to divorce him. You have to follow your heart. In most cases, you will know when you're ready to be done with him. Until then, there is still good advice here that may help you with your situation.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Only if what he says is not true. As far as help, I'm not talking about the technical aspects. That's what lawyer's get paid to do. I'm talking about the emotional aspects.
> 
> If you're willing to set up a weekend with him, you're not ready to divorce him. You have to follow your heart. In most cases, you will know when you're ready to be done with him. Until then, there is still good advice here that may help you with your situation.


What do you mean, if what he says is not true? He can certainly take some time off from work, he works 12+ hours 7 days a week and only gets paid for 8 hours 5 days a week. And he hasn't taken a day off in months. If his boss doesn't like it, well, like I said, I work for a legal aid office and I know they're breaking the law letting him work when he's off the clock. I would have no problem at all reporting them to the local labor board if he asks for a few days off and the ***** he works for won't let him go.
I'm about ready to be done though. When I got home from work tonight (about 6 pm) I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner and he said no, he had to go to work. He left less than half an hour after I got home. His shift tonight doesn't start until 11 pm. And this is what he does to me every night. He leaves me alone with his family while he works a 12 hour shift when he's scheduled for an 8.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think he needs therapy. Especially regarding what happened with his brother.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Are you sure he is actually at work all those hours? Ever randomly stop by his job and check? If he is there but not being paid that's just insane, I would suspect they are just hanging around partying. Or he just absolutely hates his home/married life so much he just doesn't want to go home. Regardless he is not acting like a responsible married mature adult man, he is still a child.

You are in a hard place right now. You need to accept sometimes people just aren't compatable long term, even if they love each other.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> When I got home from work tonight (about 6 pm) I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner and he said no, he had to go to work. He left less than half an hour after I got home. His shift tonight doesn't start until 11 pm. And this is what he does to me every night. He leaves me alone with his family while he works a 12 hour shift when he's scheduled for an 8.


If having a non-sexual marriage works for you, who am I to say it's wrong? Sounds downright weird to me, but it's your life to lead as you see fit. The thing is, your husband is NEGLECTING YOU. It sounds like the two of you enjoyed doing things together ... now that's gone. 

I'd suggest you ask him outright why he spends so much time at job where he isn't paid for the extra time he's there. I think that may give you insight into what is really going on here. Although he may be doing it to make his mother angry, he's also ignoring you. Not good. Not good at all.

Yeah. Time for a VERY serious discussion. Let him know either he gets on board with finding another place to live and to spending his spare time with you and not at his job.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

Cooper said:


> Are you sure he is actually at work all those hours? Ever randomly stop by his job and check? If he is there but not being paid that's just insane, I would suspect they are just hanging around partying. Or he just absolutely hates his home/married life so much he just doesn't want to go home. Regardless he is not acting like a responsible married mature adult man, he is still a child.
> 
> You are in a hard place right now. You need to accept sometimes people just aren't compatable long term, even if they love each other.


We have Find My iPhone set up on both our phones and iPads, so I have tracked him via GPS. And yes, he's really at work. Although now that I think about it there is a bar right across the street that would probably show up as the same place on a GPS map. I suppose it is possible he's hanging out/partying with his coworkers. He's never come home visibly drunk or high though. 
I decided yesterday evening that I was going to spend the entire weekend with my parents instead of just Mother's Day so I left last night and set myself up with enough clothes to go straight from their house to work on Monday morning. I'm not going to contact him at all this weekend and I'm going to see how he reacts to it. I'm hoping having me cut him off for a few days with no communication at all gives him a wakeup call that he doesn't like it when I'm not around during the rare times that he is actually at home. If it doesn't, I'm going to pack up and move back home over the course of the next week and ask one of my coworkers to help me start drafting separation papers. Because I can't keep doing this. I need more out of life than a relationship with someone who never wants to do things with me anymore. If I move back home I can hang out with my parents and my siblings (who are all very active, outgoing people) and start exploring the possibility of a better job in a bigger city.


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## A.Dora.Belle (May 5, 2021)

So my husband called me up last night extremely upset. He had to work yesterday and apparently there was some sort of expectation (that I was never informed of) that I would take care of making sure his mother had a proper Mother's Day (gifts, flowers, dinner out, etc) despite the fact that both of her daughters were home even though my H and my FIL were not. Daughters apparently did nothing (they are both mentally ill so I'm not that surprised). MIL was FURIOUS and completely went off on them, and now 19 year old SIL is back on the suicide ward because she flipped out and tried to slit her wrists again. The family, my H included, has apparently decided this is all MY fault for going away for the weekend so that I wasn't there to "babysit" them. And even though my head tells me that's a bunch of BS, I feel really guilty for not taking into account how bad MIL can be to SIL when there's no one there to watch out for her. Husband has informed me that if SIL had died her blood would be on my hands! I feel absolutely horrible about the whole thing but at the same time it pretty much confirms my belief that it's time to be out of this marriage. I was talking to one of my coworkers this morning who deals in family court cases, and she basically told me that I am NOT responsible for trying to keep HIS dysfunctional family semi-functional and she and I are going to sit down later and start drafting papers for a legal separation (required for a full year in my state before you can divorce). She's also going to help me try to get my 2 sister in laws out of that abusive household before they both end up killing themselves.
I thank you all who responded to me for confirming what I guess I already knew - that this marriage was a huge mistake and it was time for me to get out of it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> So my husband called me up last night extremely upset. He had to work yesterday and apparently there was some sort of expectation (that I was never informed of) that I would take care of making sure his mother had a proper Mother's Day (gifts, flowers, dinner out, etc) despite the fact that both of her daughters were home even though my H and my FIL were not. Daughters apparently did nothing (they are both mentally ill so I'm not that surprised). MIL was FURIOUS and completely went off on them, and now 19 year old SIL is back on the suicide ward because she flipped out and tried to slit her wrists again. The family, my H included, has apparently decided this is all MY fault for going away for the weekend so that I wasn't there to "babysit" them. And even though my head tells me that's a bunch of BS, I feel really guilty for not taking into account how bad MIL can be to SIL when there's no one there to watch out for her. Husband has informed me that if SIL had died her blood would be on my hands! I feel absolutely horrible about the whole thing but at the same time it pretty much confirms my belief that it's time to be out of this marriage. I was talking to one of my coworkers this morning who deals in family court cases, and she basically told me that I am NOT responsible for trying to keep HIS dysfunctional family semi-functional and she and I are going to sit down later and start drafting papers for a legal separation (required for a full year in my state before you can divorce). She's also going to help me try to get my 2 sister in laws out of that abusive household before they both end up killing themselves.
> I thank you all who responded to me for confirming what I guess I already knew - that this marriage was a huge mistake and it was time for me to get out of it.


_"Husband has informed me that if SIL had died her blood would be on my hands!"_ There's a word that accurately describes the validity of this accusation. ********. Walk, Don't Run from this family. I feel sorry for them, but you don't need to throw your life in the incinerator with theirs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A.Dora.Belle said:


> So my husband called me up last night extremely upset. He had to work yesterday and apparently there was some sort of expectation (that I was never informed of) that I would take care of making sure his mother had a proper Mother's Day (gifts, flowers, dinner out, etc) despite the fact that both of her daughters were home even though my H and my FIL were not. Daughters apparently did nothing (they are both mentally ill so I'm not that surprised). MIL was FURIOUS and completely went off on them, and now 19 year old SIL is back on the suicide ward because she flipped out and tried to slit her wrists again. The family, my H included, has apparently decided this is all MY fault for going away for the weekend so that I wasn't there to "babysit" them. And even though my head tells me that's a bunch of BS, I feel really guilty for not taking into account how bad MIL can be to SIL when there's no one there to watch out for her. Husband has informed me that if SIL had died her blood would be on my hands! I feel absolutely horrible about the whole thing but at the same time it pretty much confirms my belief that it's time to be out of this marriage. I was talking to one of my coworkers this morning who deals in family court cases, and she basically told me that I am NOT responsible for trying to keep HIS dysfunctional family semi-functional and she and I are going to sit down later and start drafting papers for a legal separation (required for a full year in my state before you can divorce). She's also going to help me try to get my 2 sister in laws out of that abusive household before they both end up killing themselves.
> I thank you all who responded to me for confirming what I guess I already knew - that this marriage was a huge mistake and it was time for me to get out of it.


Are you qualified or paid to act as a nurse/keeper to a mentally ill adult? No.

Your husband works in a dead-end job because he is the product of a dead-end family.

This is what I picture you (Wonderwoman) as doing. Not fleeing your marriage but running towards your new, brighter future:-


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It's great that you're sympathetic and want to help your sister in laws but you need to be very careful and forward thinking. You do NOT want to put yourself in a position of responsibility or even become an advocate of any sort in regards to the SIL's. You could end up tying yourself to that family forever! You're way to young to do that to yourself, your best option is to get as far away from that family as possible.


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