# Need advice on happiness..



## swc (Apr 25, 2011)

I need some advice because I am completely unhappy and I feel I am being asked to take on alot right now. I know some of my feelings may seem heartless which is why I am trying to figure out how to deal with this.

I am 30yrs old and married to a man that is 15 yrs older with two kids: 1 boy – 20 yrs and 1 girl 16 yrs old. We have been married for 6 months and dated for 5 years. We lived together 1 ½ yrs before getting married at which time I rented out my house and moved into his house with his daughter. Also at this time, my fiancé decided he wanted to quit his job to pursue his own business on a full-time basis. Now we have always planned to have a family business that we both could work at together, so him deciding to pursue it was not a surprise, but I didn’t think the timing was right because he decided to leave his job when we just moved in together (3 months after me moving in) and when we were trying to pay off some debt and get our finances in order before we made that move. We had no money in savings to support us in the event I lost my corporate job and in the middle of us also trying to save money for a wedding that would happen a year later. However, my husband was at a point where he was miserable at his full-time job and was also already doing our family business part-time and felt that if he went full-time it would pick up fast because of how it was doing on a part-time basis. At the time, of him deciding to leave his job. I was already miserable at my job but I knew I had to stay there for at least another year while he ran the business full-time. 

Over the past year, this situation alone caused stress in our relationships because I had the stress of being the primary breadwinner of the home and work at a job that I hate. My husband had the stress of starting a company and trying to make it become our primary source of income and feeling like he was not being a man because he is not the primary breadwinner. 

Now it has been over a year since he started the business and I am still at my job. I am miserable at my job to the point that I want to quit and do not care if we cannot pay our bills. I have been trying to stay at this job while my husband gets our business up to the point where I can leave, but realistically it is not going to get to that point for a few more years. I started looking for a new job that could hold me over for a few years but now that we have these other variables in our life I don’t want to look for another job either because I feel I am having to compromise my happiness all the time. I feel I have been understanding that I have to work at a place that provides stable income and health insurance while my husband gets our business up and running, but I am tired now and cannot handle any more and just want my peace of mind and start my family and life with my husband.

The other variable’s

In the past month my husbands 20 yr old son, girlfriend, and 6 month grand child have moved in to the house supposedly until June when they can move out and get their own apartment. They needed to move into with us because they were kicked out of my husband’s ex-wife house and the girlfriend was kicked out of her moms house. 
Now, I have no problem with helping people that are trying to help themselves, but over the past month, his son has lost his 1job (that he only had for two weeks) and does not take an active role in looking for a new job. I have had conversations with his girlfriend and she even feels the son is not really trying to work and get them a place of their own and she is going to leave him. I have known my husband for 5 years and i know how his son is. I am not very fond of his son. I feel his son epitomizes everything that I would not wish on any parent to have as a child. He is completely irresponsible and careless. He dropped out of high school, thinks everyone is suppose to do for him and does nothing to help himself. I could get into more details but would be here all day. In the end my husband is embarrassed how his son turned out because he is the complete opposite of my husband and what my husband believes in. His son frustrates me because he doesn’t think he should step up and be an adult he thinks he can make excuses and his parents will always be there to take care of him. In addition to his son, I am not comfortable with the fact that my husband is a grand father. I know my husband had no control of the situation, but I am completely embarrassed by the fact that my husband has a grand child before him having children with me. I understand that I married someone 15 yrs older than me with kids and there could be a possibility that he could be a grand father before I am a mother, but I am still not comfortable with the situation. I feel I tried to take the right path in life college degree, career, marriage, and then family so it upsets me that I want to start a family with my husband and now his family has been extended. The fact that his son had a baby at 19 reinforces the reasons why I don’t like his son., so yes I have resentment towards his son and I believe his son is a low life.

I feel I am going to a job I hate, be the primary breadwinner, not have the personal income that I use to have before moving in with my husband that allowed me treat my self to the things I like. Then add on this other variable of coming home after a 1 hour travel commute from work to a home where is son has just been sitting in my house all day not doing anything. My husband contributes to the house but it is not the same amount he was making when he worked full time, so I have to contribute basically my entire check to the house to cover the expenses of my husband, his daughter, and now his 20 yr old son, girlfriend, and grand daughter. I’m feeling like I am being asked for a lot and I am not getting anything in return. I don’t have the extra personal money to go out and get a manicure/pedicure if I wanted too and thought that would relax me.

In addition to his son living with us, his oldest brother moved into our house two weeks ago. At first my husband said it would only be for two months and now he is saying it will be for 6 months. His brother moved in because his brother is trying to purchase a home and has the money to buy it now, but would like to save money instead to using that money towards the purchase. Basically, his brother can afford to rent a place for 6 months but would rather live with us and save. Again I have no problems with helping people , but if we can barely save in our own house how can I let someone else move in and help them. Since we are not in the best financial situation, I would think if his brother was moving in for a few months it would also be to help us reduce some of our financial stress and contribute financially. Well that hasn’t been done. 



I am at a point where I am not happy going to work and I am not happy coming home. My husband already knows that I don’t want his son and brother living with us but in regards to his son he wants to be able to help his son by letting him live with us to save money so he can get his own place ( but we all know that would never happen because his son doesn’t want to work and pay bills when he can live with other people). And in regards to his brother he feels bad telling his brother that he cant stay with us. See my husband had a bad divorce with this first marriage and his family let him stay there until he got on his feet again, so he feels obligated to help family.

I am not asking my husband to choose between me and his family, but I am trying to understand this marriage thing. I understand in marriage you have to compromise but when it is affecting your happiness and bringing you stress how do you deal with it.
Do I just deal with all of this or do I tell my husband that I cant take this anymore and that something has to change. Either I quit my job, his brother and son move out, or maybe they both start contributing financially. I am just looking at the three areas I am not happy with right now job, finances, and home and trying to figure out how I can at least be happy with one. I figure if I need to keep my job until our business is up and running then at least let me live in a house that I am at peace. Or do I quit my job and the brother and son help contribute to the house financially. Then am I wrong for no wanting the adult son and brother to live with us? I feel 6 months into my marriage I am taking on a lot instead of starting a family with my husband.

I hope I do not sound selfish and maybe I shouldn’t feel that way that I do which is why I am reaching out for some help. I am going to look into speaking with a therapist this week but I ran across this site for help also.


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## inlovetfa (Apr 21, 2011)

You are not selfish at all! You should not feel guilty for feeling this way you need to let your husband know you are not happy. Let him know you can not will not go on like this it is just to much why should you have to sacrifice all of your happiness so that this adult son can just lay on his ass all day and so the brother can save a few hundred bucks. I know how you feel about not minding to help out family but they are taking advantage and until you speak up it will continue next thing you know its a year later and nothing has changed. Tell the brother you would love to be able to continue having him stay but you all are just not financially able to. As for the son your husband needs to tell him you have a month to get a job or he can no longer stay its gonna cause arguments but you shouldn't have to suffer because of them. Good luck let me know what you decide to I know its hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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