# Help with love no love



## lostinGA (Jun 19, 2012)

I guess I should start with some background, we have been married almost 14yrs, have two boys 11 & 12. The last few months of our marriage has been difficult with lots of extended silent treatments, alot or most of which started with me. We had been in one of these for about week, just talking about the bare minimum then on Fathers Day morning while I was waiting for the kids to get up she comes down and asks if we are ever going to talk. I didn't think things were are serious as she apparently does so I said sure I can talk now if you want, big mistake, within 30mins she proclaimed it was over, she was tired of being unhappy and there was no further need to discuss anything else other than the divorce itself. I was so angry that this was happening, let alone on Fathers Day, but I did not explode, I asked what I imagine are all the normal questions, is there someone else, why is there no chance, isn't 14yrs worth saving, what about the kids, have you really thought this through etc etc. She says there is no affair, either PA or EA. Most all of her replies centered right back to she is not happy, that she loves me but is not in love with me feels no passion towards me. I have asked in the past why we stopped kissing, while making love or just a make out session and she has now decreed that she has figured it out, that she doesn't want to because she does not love me. We have always said in the past that we would try anything to save our marriage if serious problems arose. I am struggling with the fact that now when faced with it she is a no go for counseling/help. I have never felt such dabilitating emotional pain. I know that I have caused so much of this but I truly would do anything to make this work. Its only been a few days I know, but not sure I can make it through this. I travel for work, driving long stretches at a time between customers, staying in a different hotel each night and prior to this announcement was already struggling with feeling so alone. I have set myself an appointment with a counselor for tomorrow and she has not filed paperwork yet, and does not have a lawyer. I would take these as a positive except when she initially told me we talked about handling it ourselves so until I hear her say she wants to get a lawyer I assume she is just going with the idea we will do it ourselves. Since she will not go see someone I asked her about an at home system like the ones seen on here, she agreed to look at the web, but when I thanked her she was real quick to say, don't grab on to false hope. I tried to go to work Monday but was back home by 1. Then since I had my boss, who is a good friend, tell me to give her some space, not to pressure her, I left on Tuesday, made it to Wed around lunch and had to come back. I felt I was a hazzard on the road for other people being so distracted with no hardly any sleep and not really being able to eat. We have been nice to one another, she seems to be in a great mood, which I figure is because she has gotten this off her chest. But seeing her in her such a good mood, seeing her without her ring on, watching as she jokes around with the kids, being around the kids and thinking non stop about how I wont see them or how everything around me is going away just wrecks me. With a 50/50 custody and my travel schedule "my weeks" would just be Monday night. I try to swallow all of this so I don't just sit in the corner crying which I imagine would just push her farther away. I know this is a uncoordinated rant full of run on sentences and for that I apologize, I don't think I have even asked any questions of the group but I am lost, lonely and desperate for something/anything that I can see as a way to fix this. Ultimately I know if she wont go see someone or won't talk about working this out there is nothing I can do but how good of a sign is it that she has not asked to fill out the papers? Since it has only been 3 days is that a sign at all? Any ideas on how to get her to talk to someone with me?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

"that she loves me but is not in love with me"

This line comes up in just about every cheater script. You might want to do a little snooping to find it out yourself rather then just asking her. 

Is she working or stay at home mom?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Your story is similar to mine. About a year ago I heard the same thing. Seems to happen in marriages in the teen years, ours 17. After many months of MC and her seperating from me for 4 months I came to the conclusion it was a Mid Life Crisis.

She started to get unhappy and the first person in line for the blame of the MLC is the spouse. They have to blame someone, and it is not them. ILYBNILY line can mean someone else has grabbed their emotions and helped them detach emotionally. Not always a PA or EA, can be a girl friend or sister, someone not challenging them on their waywardness and likely supporting them with grass is greener ideas.

Google "Walk Away Wife Syndrome", which is a version of the MLC. It was like it was written for me on what I experiences, also the Mid Life Crisis for dummies.

Learn the 180 for your own strength and sanity. It is for you and will help you. Don't push her, they need space until the fog lifts. Hold on loosely. 

Mine is back home and in love with me again, after her unhappiness painted me like the worst husband ever. Patience is critical if you want to save your marriage.

I wish you well~!


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## lostinGA (Jun 19, 2012)

She has a job, and is doing well at it, which I think certainly has some weight on this as she is not concerned from a financial stand point. Not sure how I can snoop, her phone is a work phone, she doesn't have a facebook etc acct, she has always had to stay late at work off and on but never that late, maybe arriving home at 6:30 or 7. I do think it may have to do a little with a girlfriend. She has a close friend that she has only known for a couple years, and I would say at most she has been heading down this path that long. So she probably hasn't heard that many positives about me like she may have if she had been around the 14yrs. I called and spoke with her brother, she has not talked to him or her Dad, (her Mother is deceased) both of which I believe would tell her to go to counseling, even though her Dad has been married three times. Outside of this one friend, unless there is a mystery person, i don't think she has gotten any type of council from anyone else. I asked if she had read anything online about divorce, separation counseling etc and she said no. This kinda shocked me as well because she researches everything if she has a question whether its a new fish for her tank or a plant she saw. Just focused me on she made up her mind so why look, read or talk about it.


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