# cold the fog be lifting



## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Hi all been a few since my last. So its update. Have not talked to my w for few weeks and out of the blue she calls with a silly reason about our cat. I keep it low key so she calls every day except today to talk about everyday stuff nothing about the A ore reconciliation. Just friendly stuff. So could the fog be lifting? Could she be testing the waters? Fyi I have only texted he once (yesterday) about he cc:scratchhead


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

She is just making sure Plan B is still around.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Plan B I will not be plan B. I gave no inclinations as to my interest in being with her. I was deliberate in not trying to emotionally validate her calls. Unless you count answering the phone!? Is this par for the course


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

mrmatt72 said:


> Hi all been a few since my last. So its update. Have not talked to my w for few weeks and out of the blue she calls with a silly reason about our cat. I keep it low key so she calls every day except today to talk about everyday stuff nothing about the A ore reconciliation. Just friendly stuff. So could the fog be lifting? Could she be testing the waters? Fyi I have only texted he once (yesterday) about he cc:scratchhead


You said she would come crawling back....

She is.....

Lots of good advice on here about R, read, and use it.....

Put together a package of requirements for her before she can crawl across the threshold, and let her know what your conditions are right up front....

You are tougher than you thought you were....Keep it up...

the woodchuck

She made you suffer, let her know causing your pain has consequences....


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Make it too easy and you will be back here again....take it from someone that learned that the hard way to many times. Stiff upper lip....I don't care if you have to bite your lip don't give in! Stick to your requirements for reconcilliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> She is just making sure Plan B is still around.


Or was concerned about the cat?


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

I guess my feeling are she COULD be calling for support of some kind idk for sure. I have not talked to her for 3 or so weeks so I don't know if she is still seeing the om. I have been in contact with his w on a regular basis. So I am not sure what my w wants? She could be testing the water,snooping,playing a mind game? Idk would it be wise to just let it go slow? Bring up her and i ? Any ideas?


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Matmati have the cat. Lol she hates my cat loli cold tell it was a fake reason. It was Sooo obvious


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Go a day or so without answwering her calls. See what she does.

Do not be so accessible.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP what do you want R or D?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

LostViking said:


> Go a day or so without answwering her calls. See what she does.
> 
> Do not be so accessible.


:iagree:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I thought you and the OMW were filing for divorce and you both had the same attorney? What happened to that?


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> I thought you and the OMW were filing for divorce and you both had the same attorney? What happened to that?


I plan on a divorce for now.I do want my w back. But I have to move ahead with my life I think
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Don't pay attention to her calls. She wants to friend-zone you as a way to reduce her feelings of guilt. If you become friends she can comfort herself and tell herself and everyone she knows that the two of you were never compatible and that the marriage was doomed from the start, because the two of you make better friends than spouses. It is the oldest cheater dodge in the book. She wants you to buy into her plan to mitigate her wrongdoing as much as possible. 

Don't buy into it and quit answering her inane chit chat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Don't pay attention to her calls. She wants to friend-zone you as a way to reduce her feelings of guilt. If you become friends she can comfort herself and tell herself and everyone she knows that the two of you were never compatible and that the marriage was doomed from the start, because the two of you make better friends than spouses. It is the oldest cheater dodge in the book. She wants you to buy into her plan to mitigate her wrongdoing as much as possible.
> 
> Don't buy into it and quit answering her inane chit chat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This, 5 million times this.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

How would I know if she want to reconcile if I don't put some effort in to talking? That said I don't think it would be a bad idea to not jump to the phone letting it go a day and reply. I don't not like playing mind game or treating her like crap. That is not who I am honesty is the best. Not all at one time of course.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why don't you work it into a convo why she is contacting you. If she gives you the want to be friends speech you know where you stand. Be very very wary.

Has she not been a liar in the past?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mrmatt72, I went back and read your original thread. This is a perplexing case. I sense you and her seem to go back and forth a lot. 

Although I am generally a pro separation & divorce type, I do look at each one of these threads anew before offering my opinion, lest you or anyone thinks I'm just a broken record.

Unless I missed some of your posts, it seems to me she really hasn't a lot of genuine remorse. She was nearly casual about coming clean and all. 

I agree that she seems to be testing the waters about something. Maybe reconciliation, maybe to have you accept her as a friend to ease her guilt... who really knows.

I think this is one to walk away from. From what I can gather from your posts she strikes me as someone who will easily betray again, and who really needs that kind of aggravation.

It's nice you still have enough love for her to want to reconcile but as one who did so twice before leaving after betrayal #3, it's usually better to just walk away with a heavy heart and move forward with your life.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I will never understand how a WS could ever think that they will be friends with the BS after the divorce, yet it happens all the time here in many threads.

What frickin universe do these bozos live in?

Who would ever keep a friend that would stab them in the back in the most hurtful way possible?

I think more BS should make it absolutely clear through actions and words that this crap will never happen. A BS may not be able to snap the WS out of the fog of the affair, but they can quickly and effectively destroy THIS fantasy of the future.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

My xw, when asked by a friend "what about the holidays she would miss with our kids?" replied. "I figure we can all just get together at Hoosiers home for Christmas dinner!". I explained to friend that the ONLY way POSOM would ever be back to my house would be if he were on display in a pine box! The fog can be very foggy!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Totally OT, but your little typo in the thread title made it sound like a Yoda-esque comment about the weather.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Before I left after this all came to light she seemed genuinely remosefull tears I felt bad for the way she was feeling about this at the time. Now she's been at her sisters a few week we haven't talked until the last week which was every day for 7 day this Wednesday was the last call she made till today 2.5 min phone call about kids. Idk if her mind has cleared any. Her demeaner in the call was a little sad/depressed/stressed so who knows what's in her head???? I am not sure if just blatenly saying "why are you calling" is the way to handle it. I don't want to give her the impression I don't want her calling!


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

OK OK news flash she called as I was making my last post so I asked what she was upset about when she called what had her bothered. She said kids work everyday thing. I sensed she thought I wanted o her her say stuff about her and I which I would of like but know she probably is not at the point for that. OK so now in afraid we are heading for. The friend zone even though I try very hard to not give any signed of emotional interest in her or friendship interest.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Just keep on bouncing like a ball at the top of concrete steps. It's your cheater who's keeping you going and when the time comes and she nails down plan A, she'll see to it you start bouncing down to the bottom.
They only call when things aren't going their way and expect you to make it better.
Been there.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

What do you mean its "my cheater that's keeping me going" I have not called her she initiated calling me. So how exactly am I her bouncing ball. I have not been in this situation before so I came hear for advice from folks that have been through this maybe get advice about how to see things in a more clear way. For the record I had a life time of good with this women she was every thing I wanted her to be with out asking her for it. I won't treat her he way she has treated me the last few months. To me its petty and not worth the effort. to be a jerk just for being a jerk is not who I am.


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## ionaetp (Jul 14, 2013)

I gave no inclinations as to my interest in being with her.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

mrmatt72 said:


> What do you mean its "my cheater that's keeping me going" I have not called her she initiated calling me. So how exactly am I her bouncing ball. I have not been in this situation before so I came hear for advice from folks that have been through this maybe get advice about how to see things in a more clear way. For the record I had a life time of good with this women she was every thing I wanted her to be with out asking her for it. I won't treat her he way she has treated me the last few months. To me its petty and not worth the effort. to be a jerk just for being a jerk is not who I am.


Dear mrmatt72,

No one is suggesting that you be a jerk. I believe what people here are trying to tell you is that you are still in the BS fog of desperately wanting your WW back and are therefore grasping at straws to find evidence that she will someday return to you. Unfortunately, based on what you've said about her behavior, this seems unlikely and the fact that she made an inquiry about your cat does not change this.

As a result, unless and until she makes a complete about face and demonstrates real remorse, your best course of action is to proceed with a divorce. The reason is two-fold:

1) Your best hope of awakening her from the WS fog is to demonstrate that you are prepared to leave her. Only this will put her in a position of having to choose between a life with you and a life without you. Depending on how she truly feels about you, this is actually the best way to save your marriage (if she asks for a second chance, you can delay the divorce to give her an opportunity to demonstrate her desire to reconcile), and

2) If she doesn't turn around, you will put yourself on the road to recovery by beginning to plan for a life without her.

The almost universal experience on TAM/CWI is that BSs who react quickly and with resolve to their WSs' infidelity have a better chance of reconciling and, when reconciliation does not happen, adjust more quickly and with less trauma to life with their WSs.

In the end, it is your decision whether to accept this advice or not.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> *I believe what people here are trying to tell you is that you are still in the BS fog of desperately wanting your WW back and are therefore grasping at straws to find evidence that she will someday return to you. Unfortunately, based on what you've said about her behavior, this seems unlikely and the fact that she made an inquiry about your cat does not change this.
> 
> The almost universal experience on TAM/CWI is that BSs who react quickly and with resolve to their WSs' infidelity have a better chance of reconciling and, when reconciliation does not happen, adjust more quickly and with less trauma to life with their WSs.*


This


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

mrmatt72 said:


> What do you mean its "my cheater that's keeping me going" I have not called her she initiated calling me. So how exactly am I her bouncing ball. I have not been in this situation before so I came hear for advice from folks that have been through this maybe get advice about how to see things in a more clear way. For the record I had a life time of good with this women she was every thing I wanted her to be with out asking her for it. I won't treat her he way she has treated me the last few months. To me its petty and not worth the effort. to be a jerk just for being a jerk is not who I am.


OP,

If you are still open to the possibility of R, and it sounds like you are; you don't have to be rude or unpleasant to her. But you do need to let her know how you feel the next time she calls up for idle chat.

If it were me, I'd tell her this one time and one time only:

"_Look, I'm not trying to be mean. But, I can't be friends with you after all you've put me through. If you have something to talk to me about, that is an emergency, fine. If you want to have a discussion about your remorse and willingness to R, I'll listen, but no promises.

Otherwise, I just can't deal with this "friend zone" chit chat that leads to nothing. I hope you understand this and will respect my wishes"_.

If she continues to make these type of calls to you, stop answering for a while. If she genuinely wants to talk R with you, she'll find you.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> She is just making sure Plan B is still around.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

It's nice having a Plan B in your back pocket!


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