# 5 months of marriage now failing



## ellen08 (Sep 6, 2013)

Hi. I am greatful that I happened to visit this website and read some topics and members were very honest, prank and supportive with each other.

Me and my husband got married last April of this year. He lives in the US while I live here i the Phils. He was my childhood friend but when he was 15 yo, his whole family migrated to US and we lost communcation ever since. He is now 32 yo and I am 28 yo. December of last year we started to reconnect again thru facebook but I believed he was in my friend list since May of 2011. Just end of last year we started to communicate with one another and said that he has a daughter who is 7 yo from a previous girlfriend and they never get married. They broke up three years ago while me just broke up with my ex bf a few months ago. We started taking everyday and video chat. I even talked to her pretty daughter many times. He started sending me gifts overseas just to make me feel special. I said that by April, I might go back to work abroad to anoher Asian country, but he said that I should wait until he take a vacation in the Philippines because he is planning to marry me. I wasn't shocked since he told me many times that he wants to marry me and he feels that I am the one for him. That's why he booked a flight last March, bought a wedding ring for us and came here to see me. At first, I can't believe it, I was in cloud nine. I even prayed that He would give me wisdom to decide whether this man is for me or not. And I fellt that he is so we got married last April and everything was perfect. Honeymoon was great. But he has to come back to US and promised to file a petition for me, and we have all our plans for our future and determined to make those plans come true.
When he left after a month of being with me, I longed for him. But he is even sweeter and make it a point that he cares for me. Sad to say, after he came back, he was laid off from his job in construction which he really earned a lot. He searched through net, drive to different cities to find a job but it seems that luck was not on his side. I motivated him not to lose hope and that time will come he will get a good one. Actuallt his daughter's mom just live there also in the same city. I understand that they still communicate because of her daughter. And there is really nothing going on between them since the girl has a bf already but the bf works in a different place. One time, I saw the ex posting pictures in fb of their daughter and the background is the living room of my husband's house. It is ironic since he told me how his family hates the ex and he said she never enter their house ever since they broke up because his mom and dad will be very mad. So I never briught it up again, I just thought maybe the ex saw the pics of the daughter to her ipad and the ex uploaded it on her fb.
And then a couple of days later, my husband called up saying he will sleep early. I was surprised because it was only seven in the evening at his country. So I just said ok have a good night. Then after a couple of hours, I was surprised to see that he uploaded a pic of his ex (selfie pic) and a pic of her daughter (not together, in 2 separate pics). I tried calling him up but he didn't pick up the phone. I texted him no reply. I tried to call their landline and his dad answered the phone (actully, I have the nicest inlaws, they love me even if they haven't met me again for a long time and very supportive of us when we get married). His dad said my husband is not home!!! But he said that it is impossible that my husband is with the ex since ex has a bf already. HIs dad also told me that the ex was there few days ago (the day I saw the pic of their daughter in her fb) and they got mad at my husband. That's when I realized that my husband is really lying to me. Luckily my sister in law was online then and I tried to ask her, she also said that maybe it was not my husband who ploaded the pic since the ex always wants to get in trouble with the woman whom his brother with. She doesn;t want my husband to be happy. Also the ex doesn't have a job that's why she just uses her daughter to get some money from my husband.. yada yada. My husband replied to his sister tellng that he is in the gym working out. WTH he replied to his sister but didn't reply to his own wife. My sister in law said that maybe my husband knew that I am very mad and doesn't want to talk to me, after that a few mins later the pic of the ex was deleted.
The following day I was able to tak to him and he explained things. He said his ex didn't know that he was logged in in their daughter's ipad and directly uploaded the pic thinking that it was her account. So ok, I never brought it out since then.
But I started to check up on him more. I asked where he is, and if he doesn't answer the phone I will end up calling their landline. I know he has lot of friends also, they also go out often but he never told it to me, I won't get mad if he fall asllep in a friend's house as long as I know where he is. sad to say he became distant, he became secretive. He is not even sweet anymore.
He found a job which doesn't pay good. Actually since we got married, he send me money even if I say no need for a high amount because I am also working here and I'm just providing for my own needs while he is providing for his daughter and himself. There are days when we are ok, there are days when we are not. He stopped saying I love you. Stopped saying that he missed me. He even told me not to mail him our marriage contract since he said we are not ok.
I understood, he said I didn't trust him. I said I do, but he has to help me to miantain it. I am not controlling him, but that is what he is thinking. I care so much for him and I dont want to lose him.
We started fighting almost everyday. He doesn't call me anymore and I am always the one reaching out first. My in laws had a vacation here 2 weeks ago and I was able to meet them. But before I met them last weekend, my husband wants me to file for annulment here since he says that he can't be with me anymore becaue I don't trust him and he can't be with me. He said "there's nothing left and unhappy". He told me that so many times before but I always beg him and plad to him to fight for our marriage. But the last time he said that, I asked him if we can have a break for a month just to think things throughly. One month of no communication and he said yes I think it's better, he said I need time for myself too and he said my mind is full of suspicions about him all the time. Maybe not communicating with him will make me realize that I could trust him even if Im not checking up on him.
So the moment I met my inlaws I never talked to my husband, I blurted out this to my in law and she said she will talk to my husband. My husband's ego and pride is very huge. I even have lowered mine just to understand him and even begged him. My in laws said that I should not give up, that I should fight for my right as a wife, and I pray hard that my husband change. My inlaw gave me some gifts from my husband and I was surprised that he chose very good dresses that I will actually like. There was a lot of stuff for me that he bought. I emailed him, saying thank you for the gift and I appreciated it. I told him how nice his family was but I never get a reply from him.
In two weeks time, it will be our one month of not talkng to each other. What will I do if his decision of annulmet is final? I love him so much and I know I messed up a lot, I even said sorry to him.. I don;t know what to do.


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## utah987654321 (Sep 5, 2013)

I wish I had some advice to give you...just please take care of yourself and your emotions. We are all sensitive people and however this turns out for you never forget to protect your sensitive side as that is usually our best side and the one that gets hurt the easiest. You have every right to feel the way you do about the pictures/facebook/not responding to calls. That behavior is what people do when they are lying. plain and simple. trust your gut, it's always right. Give you husband space and don't change who you are or how you love someone. I think we all love people the way we want to be loved. I guess sometimes it doesn't work that our husbands will love us back the same way or as much. It hurts and I don't know if we'll ever understand it, but I do know that staying strong to yourself is the best solution in just about every circumstance. Stay true to yourself and don't hide your loving ways.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Wow, well, while I could certainly see the constant need to know his whereabouts and distrust weighing on him, he also has to understand that long distance relationships are hard and they require constant communication and trust more than anything. It sounds like you might have pushed a little too hard for info, a little too often, and we can't really know what kind of tone you had all along either. Of course, it is also completely unacceptable for him to lie to you and is just as concerning.

I think you are in a tough place. It's good that your in-law's are so fond of you and can help bridge that disconnect a little bit. The big problem, aside from the obvious one being distance, is that most of the time a spouse doesn't lie about their whereabouts for no reason at all. So certainly it is concerning that he might be pursuing another women, either his ex or someone else. Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it without being close. Long distance relationships are hard...

Where do you stand on being able to move to the US? How long does that paperwork take? Is there a timeframe for when you think it'll happen?


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## ellen08 (Sep 6, 2013)

thank you for your responses. I prayed yesterday that God will give me a sign if I should hold on a little tighter in our marriage or not.

And then I received text message from him yesterday saying that he really liked the gift that I sent him thru his mom. He said he appreciated very much. Once I read it, I did not reply right away. After an hour and a half I just replied you are welcome. And he started asking if how am I or if I ate lunch already, blah blah. I just answered every question without asking something about him. Then after a few replies, he said he will sleep already since it was already 12am in the US and then I said ok goodnight. I was happy and surprised that God gave me a sign to hold a little tighter, but to tell you the truth I was more scared. Scared that after the one month ultimatum, his decision about annulment will not change or maybe scared that if ever we give it a try again, it might happen again and the hurt will be too much to bear.

I have all the support I needed from his side. My famnily doesn't know anything about it since I don't want to give a bad impression about my husband to my family. I love my husband. I swear I never had a doubt about his love for me. Before when I nag him he always say that I should grow up. That life in the US is not that easy compared here. When he was jobless, I kept askng him when he will file for my petition, since there's a lot of things on his mind like finding a new job or financial problems, he always tell me that I keep on pressuring him. I said I want to be with him soon and start a family with him. But he just get a lot angrier to me.

About the petition, it will take I guess 8 months to 1 year to process it. When he left Phils after the wedding, he promised me to file it within this year, but sad to say beacuse he was laid off, the promise did not push through. I told him I am willing to wait whatever it takes, even not this year or until late last year its ok for me. 

I love my husband. I want a family with him and his daughter. I don't want a broken marriage. I don't even know how will I explain it to my parents when that happens. His brother said that I should not focus everything on his brother. He said that maybe his brother thinks that I clinged too much and I expected too much after we got married. Before when we were not married yet, I was a happy soul, free spirited woman and I never controlled him and he was very open to me that time. But after those incidents about the facebook thing, I changed a lot.

I am so lost


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