# Child coming into bed and an angry parent



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Been a while, but I am just so pi$$ed and I dont know how to proceed. Our 4 year old twins just came home after visiting relatives 8 hours away...This was the longest and most difficult time away from them that ive had since they were born. 

While they were away, each of them slept in the bed with an adult. So for two weeks, they were spoiled. First night back and sissy is obviously having a difficult time alone. I dont have a problem with my children in our bed.. My H does. His excuse is anywhere from "eventually" it could create problems to lack of intimacy issues down the road as we are at about 4 times a week now (sex). 

So last night I put sissy in our bed, and he asks me if im planning to move her when we go to sleep. And admittedly I just went off. I was a nervous f'ing wreck when they were away, and my little girl is back home finally.. And why did he care if she was in our bed for the night???? 

Is this firther indicative of him being the a$$ that hes alwaus been, or am I just super sensitive. Its down to divorce right this second because I am just soooooo pi$$ed off at him. What do I do??


----------



## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I think for a night or so to settle her back in would be fine. I hate to tell you this but your husband really is right. I made that same mistake years ago. They get into the habit and then you are stuck. Looking back, I wish I had never let that start.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

d4life said:


> I think for a night or so to settle her back in would be fine. I hate to tell you this but your husband really is right. I made that same mistake years ago. They get into the habit and then you are stuck. Looking back, I wish I had never let that start.


Yes, and I generally agree that it should not be a habit.. hence our ability to be intimate 4 out of 7 nights of the week 

I guess I'm just angry at him for not being at all sensitive to the fact that they just got back.. and instead of being happy that I can finally rest easy for the first time in two weeks, he was worried about what? A child being too comfortable? Or one night in our bed developing into a life of cosleeping with our children?

I don't know.. thanks for your thoughts!


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I can see you wanting your child with you for the first night. I never had an issue with ours coming to our bed but my wife did.

What's ironic is now my stbx has been sleeping with our daughter in her bed for the past 5+ years to the point that it's all night, every night now. Yeah, our marriage is pretty much done.

Maybe a little communication would've prevented the blow up. Telling him ahead of time you wanted her to sleep in your bed the first night.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

BeachGuy said:


> Maybe a little communication would've prevented the blow up. Telling him ahead of time you wanted her to sleep in your bed the first night.


That's just it though, I had communicated that they would come back spoiled, plus he knew what the sleeping arrangements had been.. he agreed that it would take some time to undo the spoiledness... He's angry that I voluntarily put her in our bed when she began fussing in the slightest.. he assumed I would just let her cry herself to sleep I guess. There was no way in he!! I would've done that, and after he witnessed my daily breakdowns while they were gone. Sometimes I really believe he has no compassion  

Happy freaking anniversary in 5 days! Also, sorry to hear about your problems with your stbx  take care of yourself and thank you for your thoughts.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Here's what I'm getting from what you wrote: If you could describe your perfect, it might involve the kids sleeping in your bed once in a while but not every night, and not to the extent that it would interfere with your sex life. You're very willing to admit that that's unlikely to happen, and you agree that sex is important, so you've compromised and agreed to present a unified front with your husband on the no-kids-in-bed rule.

Now they were gone for 2 weeks, slept with adults, missed you a ton too, and you want one night to snuggle with them. You've obviously missed them a ton, and quite probably want the snuggles even more than they do.

Finally, your husband flipped out about it, and you're angry that he can't take a turn compromising for once, and also angry that he didn't get how important this one night is to you.

If that's the case, then I'm totally on your side here. One night isn't a big deal, you missed them a ton, and he should get that. He should apologise. 

Do you really feel ready to divorce over it? Are you just angry, stressed, and venting, or is there something else going on with you guys?


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

northernlights said:


> If that's the case, then I'm totally on your side here. One night isn't a big deal, you missed them a ton, and he should get that. He should apologise.
> 
> Do you really feel ready to divorce over it? Are you just angry, stressed, and venting, or is there something else going on with you guys?


Yes, you got it right. And there is probably more going on.. always has been in our marriage


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Four year olds SHOULD NOT SLEEP IN THEIR PARENTS' BED.

PERIOD.

You're their parent, not their friend, and not their teddy bear.

The first night or two, you can hang out in THEIR room, until they fall asleep. A little bit of hardship on your part? So what?

Be the adult and put the kids in their own bed. You are HARMING them by letting them sleep in your bed.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think it's a myth that co-sleeping or sharing the bed on occasion leads to bad sleep habits. We co-slept with our oldest as a baby because it resulted in better sleep for all. It also didn't impact sex back then as there are other rooms in the house to make love in. Up until my second baby was born, I slept next to my oldest on occasion, like when at the cottage or if we both fell asleep on the pull-out sofa watching a movie. He's 8 now and has slept fine on his own since around 1 1/2 or 2 years old despite occasionally sleeping with me, dad or the two of us if scared, sick or just because we all fell asleep where we lay.

I co-sleep with my new baby out of mere convenience for breastfeeding and also because I enjoy the bonding and know that my LO is comforted by having me close. It worked well with my oldest and it's working well for me now. Especially as a single mom who needs all the sleep I can get so I have energy to care for both of these kids on my own during the day. I really don't see the big deal about sharing the bed for a night or two with a four year old who probably missed mommy and needed some extra reassurance. I think your hubby should lighten up, especially since this was a special circumstance with them being away for so long and needing extra TLC as a result. Then again, I'm a bit of a softy when it comes to this stuff. They're only young once and she's four, not fourteen so I think the reasonable thing to do is to comfort her the way she needs.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm pretty against kids sleeping in my bed. It's bad for your sex life, bad for intimacy and bad for marriage. Plus I don't think it's good for kids. 

Now, once in a while our youngest will sleep in our walk in closet. Never 2 days in a row. Never in our bed. Our bed is adults only.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

A four year old sleeping in the bed one night is not the end of the world but it sounds like you guys battled over this issue already, and what was the problem with moving her after she went to sleep. That seems like a logical compromise. For that matter why didn't you lay down with her in her bed until she went to sleep. It is her bed after all and kids don't do well with inconsistency.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are not harming them by letting them sleep with you 

But I do think CLEAR communication should have taken place. You told him everything BUT you wanting her to sleep in bed with you.

Our little one comes in late at night somtimes and we snuggle for a few minutes, she falls asleep and H moves her back.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

turnera said:


> Four year olds SHOULD NOT SLEEP IN THEIR PARENTS' BED.
> 
> PERIOD.
> 
> ...


Harming them? What rubbish. Millions of people co-sleep, whole countries and cultures exist where it's the norm. Japan, for example. 

Mammals are designed to sleep closely to one another. 

One night is neither here nor there. But you've got some kind of communication issue going on with your husband.


----------



## A++ (May 21, 2012)

Cherry said:


> So last night I put sissy in our bed, and he asks me if im planning to move her when we go to sleep. And admittedly I just went off. I was a nervous f'ing wreck when they were away, and my little girl is back home finally.. And why did he care if she was in our bed for the night????


Is this some kind of sh** test? 
If not why don't you and your daughter sleep together in her bed?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

that_girl said:


> You are not harming them by letting them sleep with you


For ONE NIGHT.

There's no reason a 4 year old should sleep in the parents' bed as the norm.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have such strong convictions for parenting. Geez. What people do in their home is not my business. 

There was a few months when our little one was 3, and she would sneak into bed with us every night. It was something she needed. Then she stopped on her own. It didn't harm her, it probably helped her with trust and bonding (something I, nor my husband, ever had as a child). It didn't hurt our intimacy or sex-life. It was JUST life. We had a child together, and parenting doesn't end at 8pm when she goes to bed. 

And there are reasons children sleep in bed as the norm. When my dad died, my older daughter was 7, and she started to sleep in my room for about 6 months. I didn't stop it. It was something she needed, emotionally.

Parenting isn't always so black and white. If you feel that strongly about children not sleeping in parental beds, then fine, I'm glad that works for you. But your approach is rather 'in your face' and it's not even your child or situation. Seems odd to me. Oh well.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Sleeping in your bed for a night was not a big deal but your emotional state is why you got so mad. Maybe the resentment torward your husband is because it seemed extra cold or callice to you that he didn't appear to miss them the as much. At least this is likely how you felt. 

I think you had justified in your mind why this was an exception to the normal rules (two weeks sleeping with family) and had it set in your head that this would be ok.

In short I understand why your husband does want to get the habit started and at the same time I think I know why it rubbed you the wrong way last night.

Really though I don't understand the zero tolerance rule anyway. It doesn't make sense to me.



Cherry said:


> Been a while, but I am just so pi$$ed and I dont know how to proceed. Our 4 year old twins just came home after visiting relatives 8 hours away...*This was the longest and most difficult time away from them that ive had since they were born. *
> 
> While they were away, each of them slept in the bed with an adult. So for two weeks, they were spoiled. First night back and sissy is obviously having a difficult time alone. I dont have a problem with my children in our bed.. My H does. His excuse is anywhere from "eventually" it could create problems to lack of intimacy issues down the road as we are at about 4 times a week now (sex).
> 
> ...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

that_girl said:


> You have such strong convictions for parenting. Geez. What people do in their home is not my business.
> 
> There was a few months when our little one was 3, and she would sneak into bed with us every night. It was something she needed. Then she stopped on her own. It didn't harm her, it probably helped her with trust and bonding (something I, nor my husband, ever had as a child). It didn't hurt our intimacy or sex-life. It was JUST life. We had a child together, and parenting doesn't end at 8pm when she goes to bed.
> 
> ...


Would you be still letting your child sleep with you when they are 10, 14, if they hadn't wanted to go back to their own room?

If a child needs an emotional connection, for a short period, that's one thing. Unless you're living in a communal setting in which all adults raise all children, children need to learn what the boundaries are - for their own well being.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

10, 14 etc is old. Cherry's kids are very young. Every situation is different. If we went through a HORRIBLE situation, then hell yea I would let my 13 year old sleep in our bed.

I just think your "expert" tone is too much. People parent the way they think is best. Not my business. Some kids need boundaries, some need those boundaries to bend a bit.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*shrug*

And I think _your_ expert tone is too much.

Oh well.



> Some kids need boundaries, some need those boundaries to bend a bit.


Which is exactly what I said: Let them stay temporarily - overnight, no more than a few days - when they're needing comforting. Then back to their bedroom.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

OK. Well, I don't have an expert tone. I'm not yelling at people at what should happen. But that is neither here nor there. 

Good day


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You claim this is about your kids best interest, and yet you want to divorce your husband. That's way worse for your kids than sleeping alone.

First you have to realize its your personal feelings that is driving your actions. Not selflessness for your kids.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I do think the OP overreated. I think she maybe built it up in her head that he would be upset about it, which is why she didn't exactly say that the child would probably be IN the bed. 

I just think it was miscommunication. Nothing that can't be fixed...but the underlying issues will be difficult. I know her story, so ...it's hard to say.

How are you today, Cherry?


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Some kids need boundaries, some need those boundaries to bend a bit.


I'd go a step further and say all kids do better with boundaries and that all need those to bend on rare occasion.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> I'd go a step further and say all kids do better with boundaries and that all need those to bend on rare occasion.


You're right. My kids have boundaries, but my older one NEEDS very strict ones where my little one doesn't need such tight boundaries to feel secure.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have a 7 year old and she occasionally sleeps with us when she is scared. I don't see what the big deal is. It never lasts long - no more than a night or two. She slept in our room for the first 3 years of her life and it didn't affect our sex life at all. Those years our playroom got lots of play. We just waited for her to fall asleep and snuck out.

Those young years pass so quickly that I don't get why parents get all wound up over things like this. I have a 12 year old too and the LAST place he'd sleep is with us. LOL


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I understand your point and I somewhat agree. But I've also seen dozens of marriages fail because the mother gets too entrenched into raising her kids, being all for them, and forgetting she has a husband. What may start out as a temporary thing can easily become deeper nesting until the husband feels pushed out of the bed.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. I think there needs to be balance. This situation is not that situation you described.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> I understand your point and I somewhat agree. But I've also seen dozens of marriages fail because the mother gets too entrenched into raising her kids, being all for them, and forgetting she has a husband. What may start out as a temporary thing can easily become deeper nesting until the husband feels pushed out of the bed.


This dynamic is usually tied directly to a parent's (either one of them) self worth can very dangerous to the child's emotional development. We currently have an epidemic of young adults going through reality checks because they were the center of homeverse.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Boy, ain't that the truth.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I don't really think the issue here is whether the little one sleeping in the bed for one night was a problem.

Your husband explained a boundary he wanted respected about kids in your (read: his) bed. He told you why, and whether you agree with his reasons or not, they do have merit worthy of at least discussion before they are ignored. You, on the other hand, just brought the little one in bed without discussion, and then snapped at him when he objected to your trampling of his boundary.

You must understand that you chose to bring the little one in bed without communication, and you showed little respect and sensitivity to his views about the marital bed. Yet, you want him to be sensitive to your views about having the child in bed for one night. 

I don't think you are going to get the understanding from him if you don't have the ability to offer it to him.

Thing is, I completely understand where you are coming from and desperately want to agree with you, but I also can see clear as day why your hubby would be upset at your actions.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> And admittedly I just went off.


Been there done that and will say going off never ever solves anything.

Had you reassured your husband that it was temporary CALMLY he probably would have responded better.


----------



## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

your being grumpy......and it is not good for the children...and you are causing problems with him.

you're 3 times in the wrong!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. That's completely uncalled for.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If he knew her story he'd never say something so heartless.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, he says a lot of heartless things. I'm sick of it.


----------



## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

how is it heartless?

I see so many come on here, and they get agreement....."oh, you're right...he's a jerk" ..yadda, yadda.

It is my opinion that that kind of coddling is worse for someone than the straight truth.....or opinion...thats all these are anyway.

lighten up.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No need to call someone a betch. Do you know the backstory? Probably not.


----------



## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

that_girl said:


> No need to call someone a betch. Do you know the backstory? Probably not.


you're right. I got caught up in the expletive she was using towards her H and responded in kind.


----------

