# Dumb husband looking for advice



## jlong78la (Jul 27, 2017)

First off my wife and I have been married for 5 years. I do love this woman dearly, but we have been going through a rough patch lately and while I don't think our marriage will end it is just taking a toll on us right now and I am at a loss of what to do.
Our problem started last fall. I had started drinking a little too much and I got caught. I knew it was wrong. I was doing it out of boredom. My wife has a job with a very flexible work schedule and she is not a morning person. So she had started about 2.5 years ago sleeping in and taking the kids to school and daycare and getting to her work at around 11:00am. I am a morning person and my job requires it and most of my days start at 7:00am. So i get the kids in the afternoon. This also included that I would be responsible for cooking dinner, homework with the oldest, cleaning the house, getting the kids ready for bed, and putting the youngest to bed. I am rarely told thank you. Many days she will sit on the couch and play with her phone while i am cleaning up around her. My typical week included me doing about 80% of the in house chores and all of the outside work (mowing, weeding, cleaning pool etc). My wife would usually get home around 8-10pm at night. I started finding myself bored and I turned to drinking at least 2 nights a week (i know it was a bad idea). Before I would try to go to the gym but i became a huge hassle to get everything done and the kids would have to go with me to the gym.
I have problems communicating about myself of my feelings and i typically bottle things up. When she first discovered the drinking she threatened divorce and hired a lawyer, told me to kill myself, that i was the worst thing that ever happened to her etc etc.... Everyday like clockwork she would come home, eat dinner, kiss the kids, and then come and tell me how horrible I am. So I requested that we start going to marriage counseling and I have gotten better at actually talking with her even if it may lead to a disagreement. I did not touch a sip of alcohol for 4 months. I did give in to peer pressure and drank one night with some friends. She found out about this by going through my phone and reading text messages one night. This time she contacted my family, friends, and co-workers and told them that I was an alcoholic and a liar and that I will never amount to anything and that I lie constantly to them. We had a falling out over this and I told her that I thought that she was mean to me. So she quit going to marriage counseling and told me that there was no hope for us and I would from then on just be a companion.
So once again I stated that I would abstain from drinking. This time I quit for 10 weeks. Things began to get a lot better and we were even discussing having a 3rd kid. We are both knocking on the door of 40 and agreed that we may want to talk to a fertility clinic. We just came back from a trip to see some of her family. While there her and her dad get into an argument over our youngest broke a lamp accidentally and that led to us packing up and leaving. I wasn't there when it happened so i don't know the entire details. She has vowed to never talk to him again and says that she has written him off. After returning home I ended up having a few drinks after a rough work day etc. It was wrong. She smelled the alcohol and i confessed. Now I have been told that she has numbed herself to our marriage and no longer cares about what happens. She will now focus only on herself. She skipped marriage counseling, cancelled the fertility appointment, will not tell me goodbye or goodnight, she is doing everything possible to stay away from me, and told me that she would no longer offer me support. She also sends me text messages telling me that she will be home early so I can go drink myself to death ......... I tried talking to her this morning and stated again that i was sorry and that I wanted to keep making our marriage and family strong. She just rolled her eyes and said she didn't care. She claims that she is the only one trying to fix this marriage and I am just here to ruin things.
I want this to work out I am just at a loss right now. Do i just let her be and let her eventually get over the anger? If i try and talk to her she just tells me that I am an alcoholic liar and whatever i say is a lie. 
So any advice for a dumb husband?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Why do you want to continue this marriage with her? What actual positives does she bring?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's abusive, end of story. No one should have to exist in a relationship like this. I hope you get the support you need so you can get yourself free and build a new life for yourself and with your children.


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## jlong78la (Jul 27, 2017)

I do love the woman. Except for the past 9-10 months our marriage has been great. She is my best friend and a good mother. She does have an anger problem. This does cause her to lose friends and family members. Call me crazy but i do want to fix it. I just don't know how.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Don't have anymore kids with this woman. It might be best for you to let the divorce go through. Once she figures out how much you actually did for the family, she's probably come crawling back. Not sure whether you would want to give her another chance, it would depend on your financial situation.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

jlong78la said:


> I want this to work out I am just at a loss right now. Do i just let her be and let her eventually get over the anger? If i try and talk to her she just tells me that I am an alcoholic liar and whatever i say is a lie.


I am married to an alcoholic, you sir are not an alcoholic. Unless there is back story on why she is so focused on the alcohol that you have not included.




jlong78la said:


> So any advice for a dumb husband?


Become a smarter husband. You wife has her issues and you have yours. Start going to individual counseling and work on you. You cannot control her actions but you can control your own. Learn about emotional manipulation and abuse and what you can do to protect yourself and your kids. 

You wife seems to have a very "my way or the highway attitude" that is not healthy for you or the people around her. You have to ask yourself if you really love this woman or you are just afraid to be without someone in your life. Having been divorced myself, I could not believe how happy I was after a while with my now ex out of my life. A burden had been lifted from my shoulders and I could see again.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

jlong78la said:


> Do i just let her be and let her eventually get over the anger? If i try and talk to her she just tells me that I am an alcoholic liar and whatever i say is a lie.
> So any advice for a dumb husband?


I'm glad you mentioned that part that she suddenly decided that you would prematurely end your vacation because she got into an argument with her father. She also seems somewhat unforgiving to you and more basically, she doesn't discuss her displeasure with you in a mature way. Has she always been this inflexible?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jlong78la said:


> I do love the woman.


Why?? And what the hell is wrong with drinking a couple of nights a week for chrissakes?

She sounds like a total *****.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jlong78la said:


> First off my wife and I have been married for 5 years. I do love this woman dearly, but we have been going through a rough patch lately and while I don't think our marriage will end it is just taking a toll on us right now and I am at a loss of what to do.
> Our problem started last fall. I had started drinking a little too much and I got caught. I knew it was wrong. I was doing it out of boredom. My wife has a job with a very flexible work schedule and she is not a morning person. So she had started about 2.5 years ago sleeping in and taking the kids to school and daycare and getting to her work at around 11:00am. I am a morning person and my job requires it and most of my days start at 7:00am. So i get the kids in the afternoon. This also included that I would be responsible for cooking dinner, homework with the oldest, cleaning the house, getting the kids ready for bed, and putting the youngest to bed. I am rarely told thank you. Many days she will sit on the couch and play with her phone while i am cleaning up around her. My typical week included me doing about 80% of the in house chores and all of the outside work (mowing, weeding, cleaning pool etc). My wife would usually get home around 8-10pm at night. I started finding myself bored and I turned to drinking at least 2 nights a week (i know it was a bad idea). Before I would try to go to the gym but i became a huge hassle to get everything done and the kids would have to go with me to the gym.
> I have problems communicating about myself of my feelings and i typically bottle things up. When she first discovered the drinking she threatened divorce and hired a lawyer, told me to kill myself, that i was the worst thing that ever happened to her etc etc.... Everyday like clockwork she would come home, eat dinner, kiss the kids, and then come and tell me how horrible I am. So I requested that we start going to marriage counseling and I have gotten better at actually talking with her even if it may lead to a disagreement. I did not touch a sip of alcohol for 4 months. I did give in to peer pressure and drank one night with some friends. She found out about this by going through my phone and reading text messages one night. This time she contacted my family, friends, and co-workers and told them that I was an alcoholic and a liar and that I will never amount to anything and that I lie constantly to them. We had a falling out over this and I told her that I thought that she was mean to me. So she quit going to marriage counseling and told me that there was no hope for us and I would from then on just be a companion.
> So once again I stated that I would abstain from drinking. This time I quit for 10 weeks. Things began to get a lot better and we were even discussing having a 3rd kid. We are both knocking on the door of 40 and agreed that we may want to talk to a fertility clinic. We just came back from a trip to see some of her family. While there her and her dad get into an argument over our youngest broke a lamp accidentally and that led to us packing up and leaving. I wasn't there when it happened so i don't know the entire details. She has vowed to never talk to him again and says that she has written him off. After returning home I ended up having a few drinks after a rough work day etc. It was wrong. She smelled the alcohol and i confessed. Now I have been told that she has numbed herself to our marriage and no longer cares about what happens. She will now focus only on herself. She skipped marriage counseling, cancelled the fertility appointment, will not tell me goodbye or goodnight, she is doing everything possible to stay away from me, and told me that she would no longer offer me support. She also sends me text messages telling me that she will be home early so I can go drink myself to death ......... I tried talking to her this morning and stated again that i was sorry and that I wanted to keep making our marriage and family strong. She just rolled her eyes and said she didn't care. She claims that she is the only one trying to fix this marriage and I am just here to ruin things.
> ...



I am married to a dry drunk. It is your choice, you want your marriage or you want to drink? You cannot have both. If you have difficulty in becoming teetotal, go to AA and get serious about your sobriety. You appear to be minimising your dependence on alcohol. You wife sounds like she is at the end of her tether with this, I have been there and know how it is. You keep making promises to stop, you keep breaking them. That is no way for a spouse to live. As I said it is your choice. When the pain of losing your wife, marriage and family outweigh the benefits of the kicks from alcohol, then maybe you will make the right choice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

aine said:


> I am married to a dry drunk. It is your choice, you want your marriage or you want to drink? You cannot have both. If you have difficulty in becoming teetotal, go to AA and get serious about your sobriety. You appear to be minimising your dependence on alcohol. You wife sounds like she is at the end of her tether with this, I have been there and know how it is. You keep making promises to stop, you keep breaking them. That is no way for a spouse to live. As I said it is your choice. When the pain of losing your wife, marriage and family outweigh the benefits of the kicks from alcohol, then maybe you will make the right choice.


Are we reading the same post here????


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## jlong78la (Jul 27, 2017)

The problem she has with alcohol stems from a past relationship that she had with a drug addict. So now she believes that if you have more than 2 drinks then you have a problem. When we first started dating i was coming off some bachelor years and at times i was known to drink a bit too much. I am too old for that now, and that doesn't even appeal tonme anymore.
She has always been a bit explosive when something doesn't go her way. It is not something that happens often but it is often enough that you are a bit afraid of when it will happen.
She told me this morning when I asked what I could do today to help heal this .."well you will have to figure that out because im not telling you". So I am supposed to fix it without any help, support, or discussion. That is the confusing part to me.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

No offense but I would start drinking if I was married to her too...god what a piece of work


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jlong78la said:


> The problem she has with alcohol stems from a past relationship that she had with a drug addict. So now she believes that if you have more than 2 drinks then you have a problem. When we first started dating i was coming off some bachelor years and at times i was known to drink a bit too much. I am too old for that now, and that doesn't even appeal tonme anymore.
> She has always been a bit explosive when something doesn't go her way. It is not something that happens often but it is often enough that you are a bit afraid of when it will happen.
> She told me this morning when I asked what I could do today to help heal this .."well you will have to figure that out because im not telling you". So I am supposed to fix it without any help, support, or discussion. That is the confusing part to me.


I'm sure it is confusing. It's confusing because this isn't even close to a healthy relationship.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If my husband ever tells me to kill myself, we're done. Why do some of you tolerate such abusive behavior? My gosh, I don't care if you're an alcoholic, how about trying to help you? Marriage isn't about ME ME ME ME ME...it's about US. It's about two people trying to help each other. Granted you contributed to the problems, too...absolutely. But for her to tell you to kill yourself, ugh. Every single person on this forum who is tolerating abuse like this, you don't deserve it. 

Sorry, mini rant, I just can't believe the sad stories I read on here.

And you're not ''dumb.'' You're in an abusive relationship, and it's unhealthy.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Uptown


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, when she told you to kill yourself and got a lawyer, you should have gotten your own and filed. 

She is punishing you for her own past.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife needs anger management, individual counseling, and some sense of being an equal partner. She's made you her butler, maid, and Gardner. Thus she no longer respects you.

Look up the 180, tell her to get help, and read the book HOLD ON TO YOUR N.U.T.S.

You've given up your own identity trying to placate a self absorbed monster.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She sounds awful. Just awful.

I hope you read all of the responses you've gotten very carefully. And re-read them. You are being emotionally and verbally abused and you've lost your ability to see what's really going on here. A bit of Stockholm Syndrome, perhaps?

Please go ahead and take her up on her empty threats of divorce, but YOU be the one who files first.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JLong, welcome to the TAM forum. The reason @*Farsidejunky* gave me a callout above is that he knows that I try to participate in threads involving strong anger issues and mood changes. Where it seems appropriate, I share my 15 years of experience with my exW and 35 years of experience with my foster son. My exW exhibits strong symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and my foster son has BP-1 (bipolar-1 disorder).



> She has *always been a bit explosive* when something doesn't go her way. It is not something that happens often but it is often enough that you are a bit afraid of when it will happen.


Are you sufficiently afraid to often have the feeling you are walking on eggshells around her to avoid triggering her anger? I ask because the best-selling BPD book is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.

The two most common causes of mood changes are _hormone change_ and _drug abuse_. It seems unlikely, however, they are the source of your W's anger issue because she doesn't abuse drugs, isn't pregnant, and has exhibited this anger problem for many years.

I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes are _BPD_ (Borderline Personality Disorder) and _BP_ (Bipolar Disorder). Significantly, the behaviors you describe do not sound like red flags for bipolar. But the described behavior -- i.e., extreme black-white thinking resulting a rapid flips between adoring you and hating you (as well as hating her father) -- is a warning sign for BPD. 

I'm not saying that your W exhibits full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I mention this because a person exhibiting extreme mood swings is emotionally unstable. Significantly, of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control emotions.



> While there her and her dad get into an argument over our youngest broke a lamp accidentally and that led to us packing up and leaving.... She has vowed to never talk to him again.


A person exhibiting strong BPD symptoms can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). Similarly, they can flip just a quickly in devaluing a close friend. These rapid flips arise from _"black-white thinking."_ Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer also has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).



> She threatened divorce and hired a lawyer, told me to kill myself, that i was the worst thing that ever happened to her.


Again, this over-reaction sounds like black-white thinking.



> *Except for the past 9-10 months* our marriage has been great. She is my best friend and a good mother. She does have an anger problem.


If your W's anger has been a problem only for the past 10 months, you are NOT describing a persistent BPD problem. When BPD symptoms are persistent, they typically start showing strongly in the early teens and persist periodically thereafter. They do not disappear for the first 4 years of a 5 year marriage. I nonetheless am having trouble reconciling your statement that the marriage was great for four years with your comment that "She has always been a bit explosive."

I therefore observe that BPD behavior is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," black-white thinking, and event-triggered temper tantrums.

If you're interested, take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, please tell us which ones apply strongly. More important, please tell us whether you have reason to believe these warning signs started in her teens, well before you started dating her. Given her problems with her own father, it sounds like her anger issue may have started well before she had the painful experiences with her drug abusing Ex.

Finally, I caution that learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether the situation is sufficiently serious to warrant seeking a professional opinion, ideally from a psychologist. Take care, JLong.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

There's a past with her concerning substance abuse. I'm not justifying her actions, but it does make them make more sense.
Obviously, her telling you to kill yourself was way out of line and I'd definitely classify that as verbal abuse, but I could get over that. Can you? It's more or less about what YOU are willing to accept, work through, etc.

Personally, my SIL was involved with an alcoholic (non functioning) and ended up with a baby as a result. In sum, her life is pretty much over as a result of that relationship. My BFF has a common law partner that is also an alcoholic (although functioning and quite wealthy as a result of family), but the things she has to go through as a result of his drinking would possibly make me react as violently as your wife did if I smelt that toxic behaviour starting. No way in hell would i live with an alcoholic or part-time alcoholic or just a person with no hobbies other than work, home life and beer. Maybe she is just trying to nip this in the bud? She's doing a terrible job at it, but it's something to consider.

You've admitted you have a problem. But you have every damn right to tell her the way she is handlign your problem is absolutely not acceptable. 
You need a hobby or something. something that won't make you think beer is the answer when you're bored.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Is there more to the drinking thing? My ex was an alcoholic, it was hell. He was functioning and could go to work and manage life but it was still hell. 

If I'm reading right, you were drinking home with your children while she was at work? 

Her comments were way out of line but I'd skip on trying to diagnose the woman until I knew more about your drinking behaviour. 

I'm sure I could have gotten a BPD label sometimes when I was dealing with mine. We are just getting his side. No one can be diagnosed as anything based off hearsay. 

Aside from the comment she made, I don't see any "crazy" behaviour. Every time my ex would say he quit when he didn't it was rough. I'd go from mad to sad to hurt to evil vengeance. He was all "it was 3 drinks... geez" For me he might as well have had an affair, that's the level of trust and safety in us that he lost when he did it. 

If you're staying, 

She works from noonish- 10, his job gets him home much earlier so he is in charge of much of the household maintenance. That is normal. Sounds like you are looking for appreciation which is a big emotional need. I'd try to discuss that with her. 

Avoid anything along the lines of helping her with the home or sounding like you are doing her a favour by doing your part. Sometimes guys assume the household duties belong to a woman and they consider it helping HER when they do them. 
Nothing pisses us off more. 

Her words - not ok. She needs to find ways to express herself without being abusive. Be clear that they will never happen again or you are gone. 

Your drinking stops and if needed go to groups or counselling to make sure of it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

jlong78la said:


> The problem she has with alcohol stems from a past relationship that she had with a drug addict. So now she believes that if you have more than 2 drinks then you have a problem. When we first started dating i was coming off some bachelor years and at times i was known to drink a bit too much. I am too old for that now, and that doesn't even appeal tonme anymore.
> She has always been a bit explosive when something doesn't go her way. It is not something that happens often but it is often enough that you are a bit afraid of when it will happen.
> She told me this morning when I asked what I could do today to help heal this .."well you will have to figure that out because im not telling you". So I am supposed to fix it without any help, support, or discussion. That is the confusing part to me.


You come up with logical questions to solve the problems and she just rebuffs you. She doesn't want it to heal she wants everything to be your fault. Her level of immaturity is astounding.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Unless you ARE an actual alcoholic (which this guy most assuredly is not) or dying of liver disease a drink or two a couple of times a week is NOT something that anyone should take away from you. The issue here isn't this guys drinking, it's his bat**** crazy wife. She's the one with issues from before, and she's the one who needs to figure out why she thinks she has the right to ban this guy from drinking a single drop EVER. If he wants to quit to placate her that's great, but personally I don't think she deserves that.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> If my husband ever tells me to kill myself, we're done. Why do some of you tolerate such abusive behavior? My gosh, I don't care if you're an alcoholic, how about trying to help you? Marriage isn't about ME ME ME ME ME...it's about US. It's about two people trying to help each other. Granted you contributed to the problems, too...absolutely. But for her to tell you to kill yourself, ugh. Every single person on this forum who is tolerating abuse like this, you don't deserve it.
> 
> Sorry, mini rant, I just can't believe the sad stories I read on here.
> 
> And you're not ''dumb.'' You're in an abusive relationship, and it's unhealthy.


She doesn't have any idea what a marriage is. Telling you to kill yourself...really!! Yeah, let the divorce go through.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Unless you ARE an actual alcoholic (which this guy most assuredly is not) or dying of liver disease a drink or two a couple of times a week is NOT something that anyone should take away from you. The issue here isn't this guys drinking, it's his bat**** crazy wife. She's the one with issues from before, and she's the one who needs to figure out why she thinks she has the right to ban this guy from drinking a single drop EVER. If he wants to quit to placate her that's great, but personally I don't think she deserves that.


None of us can say if this guy is or isn't an alcoholic. 

He said he drank 2 nights a week, not that he only had 1 or 2. 

My ex still does not believe he is an alcoholic. In his mind he has up to 6 beers after work. He actually believes this. 

He was drinking alone at home with his young children while she was at work.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Unless you ARE an actual alcoholic (which this guy most assuredly is not) or dying of liver disease a drink or two a couple of times a week is NOT something that anyone should take away from you. The issue here isn't this guys drinking, it's his bat**** crazy wife. She's the one with issues from before, and she's the one who needs to figure out why she thinks she has the right to ban this guy from drinking a single drop EVER. If he wants to quit to placate her that's great, but personally I don't think she deserves that.


Agree with you Hope IF op is telling the truth about his drinking. Drunks have a funny habit of lying about how many they REALLY had though.

I admit I am biased here as I have plenty of drunks in my extended family almost all of whom minimize their drinking to laughable levels.

But like you said if the op is on the up and up about his drinking then his wife is just bat **** crazy. And a selfish ***** to boot. Flexible work schedule and she CHOOSES to go in so late as to not get off until 10 or so? WTF? Avoiding her fair share of housework and avoiding her family by doing that.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He said "she thinks it's a problem if someone has more than 2 drinks"

A- not that he only had 2 drinks

B- my ex thought the same of me. 
I'd remind him that he wasn't just having 2 drinks and that he can not have ANY drinks because he can't control himself. 
0 drinks was the only acceptable. 
No, he could not cut back and only have a drink or two after work. 

Then he'd tell people I wouldn't even let him have a couple beer after a long day at work. 
We went to a BBQ with some work friends one time, the guy saw I had a drink and was all "oh I thought you were super offended by drinking or I would have offered you one" 

I became the crazy, strict, mean wife. No one knew the hell I was in. The sound of the crack of a beer can opening would send me into a panic attack by the end of the relationship. 

Meh, I'm so biased in this area but I would keep in mind that we don't have her side before deciding he doesn't have a problem and she's just crazy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you leave the kids with her when she gets home and go to the gym then?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I would keep in mind that we don't have her side before deciding he doesn't have a problem and she's just crazy.


Agreed. If he IS minimizing his drinking amount then he DOES have a problem.

I tend to believe people until they prove otherwise, so I am taking what he said at face value. I find the North American aversion to booze to be extreme.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Agreed. If he IS minimizing his drinking amount then he DOES have a problem.
> 
> I tend to believe people until they prove otherwise, so I am taking what he said at face value. I find the North American aversion to booze to be extreme.


Not to thread jack Hope, but for people that have their lives affected by it, alcohol can be a HUGE trigger. And there are many people that simply saying their lives have been affected by alcohol is a gross understatement.

For those that havent experienced this I think it can be a difficult thing to understand, and some people can appear to be a teetotaler nut.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> Not to thread jack Hope, but for people that have their lives affected by it, alcohol can be a HUGE trigger. And there are many people that simply saying their lives have been affected by alcohol is a gross understatement.
> 
> For those that havent experienced this I think it can be a difficult thing to understand, and some people can appear to be a teetotaler nut.


Truth. I believe there is some kind of PSTD type issues that come from being around alcoholics. My ex worked, didn't drive drunk, didn't have hangovers, didn't go to bars and spend all his money. No one casually around him would have known he had a problem outside of "having a few beers at home when he got off work"

No one would understand what it was like unless they lived it with me


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> Not to thread jack Hope, but for people that have their lives affected by it, alcohol can be a HUGE trigger. And there are many people that simply saying their lives have been affected by alcohol is a gross understatement.
> 
> For those that havent experienced this I think it can be a difficult thing to understand, and some people can appear to be a teetotaler nut.


I understand that. I also think that for the people who ARE triggered by it, they need to own at least a part of that, and choose a mate wisely. 

We aren't told by the OP what was discussed when he and his wife got together. Maybe she did go over her past and they agreed he would never ever drink and over time he broke that promise. Maybe she kept her issues a secret until she one day just proclaimed he could no longer drink at all. I don't know. All we know is what he told us, and from that, if it's true, his drinking isn't a problem for anyone but her and she's a crazy ass.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He hasn't said how much he drank when he did a few times a week while watching the kids. 

That is a very important question IMO.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If the guy IS a raging alcoholic and is minimizing everything then the help he gets isn't going to help and he's wasting all our time. If he still needs to hit rock bottom then nothing we say is going to put him there. You can't go around telling everyone that, though. You have to assume that someone DOESN'T have a drinking problem, because the majority of people DON'T have a drinking problem. You can't take someone's story about their crazyass wife and turn it into their drinking problem just because it happened to you. I am also VERY sorry you suffered through whatever you suffered through because of someone else's drinking.


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## jlong78la (Jul 27, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Is there more to the drinking thing? My ex was an alcoholic, it was hell. He was functioning and could go to work and manage life but it was still hell.
> 
> If I'm reading right, you were drinking home with your children while she was at work?
> 
> ...


Great points and thank you for the response.

The times that I did drink it was after the kids were in bed. That is not an excuse it is just fact. My dumb thinking was......well here I am bored and alone and the kids are in bed. What will 2 drinks hurt. 

Her work hours do vary greatly from time to time because her position is very flexible and she can get to work whenever she wants. Our daughter's school starts at 9:00am most days and our neighbor typically takes her. We did discuss many times about maybe her waking up at 7:00am and getting ready for work and then get the kids up and ready for school/daycare. This would put her getting to work at 9:30ish and home by 7:00pm most days instead of 10:00pm. She did this for a few days and then admitted to me that she likes getting home late because then I have everything done and she can just eat dinner and watch tv. She admitted that to me while away on a girls trip after she had been drinking and she claims now that she really didn't mean that. 

I really don't mind helping out with the home. I grew up with parents that made sure that everyone pitched in on chores. I just get tired of doing the vast majority of it without much help. I still have problems communicating these things with her. Do I tell her that I need her to help me out with the chores? That I feel like I am getting stuck with them all on purpose? Or do I just put up with it and do it. I am getting better at communicating with her about these things but I am still pretty bad at it. I get emotional and it becomes hard for me to have a hard discussion or debate. I don't get angry i just kind of lose my words and usually just get lost in the translation. Which is crazy in itself because my profession is in training and teaching. So I am always in front of people doing public speaking.


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## jlong78la (Jul 27, 2017)

turnera said:


> Why don't you leave the kids with her when she gets home and go to the gym then?


It closes at 10:00pm. The daycare at the gym is open until 8:00pm. So I take them with me and my son goes to the daycare. My daughter will go sometimes and she will walk but she is old enough to stay at home by herself for a few hours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You didn't answer my question. You said she gets home from 8 to 10. So as long as she's home before 9:30, why don't you leave the kids with her when she gets home and go to the gym then?

Note: This is as much for you learning how to stop being a Nice Guy (not a good thing) and get a better marriage as it is for you to get in a good workout.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/no-more-mr-nice-guy-robert-a-glover/1005634977

It might also help you learn how to tell your WIFE that you don't appreciate her using you for a maid and nanny and that you don't want her coming home at 10pm anymore.


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## jlong78la (Jul 27, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He hasn't said how much he drank when he did a few times a week while watching the kids.
> 
> That is a very important question IMO.


I was drinking typically about 2 or 3 mixed drinks. Enough to get a buzz and relax but not overdo it. If we were out for dinner she would usually have a margarita and I would have about 3 pints of draft beer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jlong78la said:


> SlowlyGoingCrazy said:
> 
> 
> > Is there more to the drinking thing? My ex was an alcoholic, it was hell. He was functioning and could go to work and manage life but it was still hell.
> ...


So she deliberately chooses to work hours that ensure she spends no time with her children or you. Do they even see her at all during the week?????


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## jlong78la (Jul 27, 2017)

Livvie said:


> So she deliberately chooses to work hours that ensure she spends no time with her children or you. Do they even see her at all during the week?????


Yes. In the morning while getting them ready for school and daycare. Our daughter is usually always up when she gets home. She typically doesn't go to bed until 10:30 or 11:00pm. Our son goes down between 8:00 and 8:30ish.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

@jlong78la, do YOU think you have a drinking problem?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jlong78la said:


> I really don't mind helping out with the home. I grew up with parents that made sure that everyone pitched in on chores.


Nothing wrong with helping out around the house, but sounds more like slave labor for you while her schedule is deliberately tailored to avoid doing her fair share.



jlong78la said:


> Do I tell her that I need her to help me out with the chores? That I feel like I am getting stuck with them all on purpose?


Of course! That's EXACTLY what you tell her, in no uncertain terms. No whining or pleading, just matter of fact statements.



jlong78la said:


> I get emotional and it becomes hard for me to have a hard discussion or debate.


This discussion should be neither hard nor a debate. Matter of fact: "Wife, it seems that I am doing the lion's share of the housework, mostly due to the hours you choose to work (the word "choose" being key here). I'd like us to sit down and come up with a schedule that allows both of us to have time for the kids, time for each other, and a little time for ourselves. I plan to start going to the gym 2 nights a week and on Saturday mornings." Notice, you're not asking for her permission but rather telling her what you are going to start doing.

Frankly, you shouldn't be afraid of saying these things to her or getting tongue-tied or emotional. It's a scheduling problem; there really shouldn't be much emotion involved. If she balks and makes it an emotional issue, then you've got bigger problems (a very selfish wife for starters) and bigger fish to fry.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lol, drinking a couple of nights a week does NOT an alcoholic make.

My husband and I would drink probably 4 nights a week, not to excess, but we still drink. And we drink while our daughter is here.

Are we unfit, alcoholic parents?

Oh please.


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