# Acceptance........met with OW



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Quick recap for those that don't know my story. My H of 14 yrs had an A with a very good friend. I found out 2 months ago, it ended the day it was found out. She is working it out with her H(also dear friend) and we are working out our marriage. So, not only are both couples dealing with the infidelity issues, we are also dealing with betraying of friendships and grieving for loss of friendships, etc. (the OW & I spoke everyday, she watched my kids....)

Jump ahead to present. My H and I are doing VERY well. Honestly, couldn't be better considering the circumstances. What I had been struggling with still was the what I needed to say to the OW. (remember she was a very good friend) So, I poured my heart out in a 4 page letter. I debated, but for me, I needed to send it to her. I sent it via email and a couple hours later I got a phone call.....from her H! We ended up talking for 1.5 hours! He agreed I said what I needed to say, it upset her very much (thus the phone call) and she felt I was putting all blame on her - and none on my H. That wasn't what I was doing but I have had 2 months to say what I needed to say to my H. This was my 1st time to say to her. In the end, it was a good conversation and I was encouraged to know that she still cries everyday because she misses me and is sorry for what she did. It had been discussed for us to meet to talk and I reached out to her to see if she stil wanted to, which she did. I met her yesterday. Honestly, it went pretty well. I thought I would either want to a)throw up the minute I saw her or b)want to kick the sh** out of her. Fortunately, neither - almost an eerie peace. She asked right away if she could hug me, which I allowed and we just hugged and sobbed for a while. 

She told me she never sought out my H, she never had these passionate desires for him, she never loved him. She said she was drawn into our financial problems, our marital problems that he was confiding into her. She doesn't know why it escalated to physical. She said she told her therapist and her H that since she is such a caring person, her H calls her a "people pleaser" she feels she decided to take on al my Hs problems and make them hers which led to the PA since she was giving him what he needed. She knows she should have never let him discuss with her. He should have never discussed with her. She said she is so very sorry, if she could take it back and rewind the last few months she would do it in a heartbeat. Her goal to meet and talk with me wasn't to be friends again and go shopping the next day. Her goal was to meet in hopes that someday I could find it in my heart to forgive her and that since we have so many mutual friends that if down the road if something came up that would require us to all be at the same place (a graduation, funeral, wedding, etc.) that we could do so & be cordial. 

SO, do I regret meeting with her? No, I don't. I think it was good for me to hear from her but more importantly SEE her - to see how it affected her. I didn't tell her but she looks older than I have ever seen her look. (stress) Her H is still having a very hard time with this. He has lost alot of weight and has trouble sleeping. Certain things will set him off and he will cry, etc. She is doing everything she can to help him through this because she did this to him and she loves him. So for me, I feel very fortunate. Why? Because as hard as it's been for me, it's not as hard as what the OW's H is going through. Her reason/excuse is pretty shaky. My Hs reason/excuse was his wife was non-existent & he thought I didn't love him anymore by my actions. And it's sad but true. He is so excited and happy that I am in love with him and SO sorry he went that route to find that out. He regrets it every day too. So, I feel fortunate that I got the "easier" part of this whole A. I gave my H a reason to stray. (truth be told) But I am back to the woman he fell in love with and the wife he deserves. On the other hand, the OW & her H have to struggle with her reasons (or lack there of) Not to mention her sef esteem is very low because of what she did and wonders how her H can stand to stay with her etc. She also is struggling with losing my friendship and she misses my children desperately. 

Sorry this took so long to write but once you start it just pours out sometimes! I will continue to rebuild and nurture my marriage and honestly, I hope it gets easier for her husband too. I don't LIKE what happened, I have accepted it for what it was - a huge, stupid, hurtful mistake. I am not going to dwell in the past - what's done is done and can't be changed. What I can do is live in the present, move on, grow as a person and in the end have a wonderful HAPPY marriage.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Wow, good for you! Personally I'd recommend keeping your distance at this point, which is what the OW also seems to think is best, but it's good that you got to see the other side of things and realize that you're in a good place with your hubby. With that said, I don't think I could EVER do that - my wife had a brief affair with an exboyfriend and I'm absolutely positive despite the fact I'm a generally peaceful person that a meeting would become very hostile at best. I've already emailed him a peace of my mind and really have to talk myself into NOT pursuing 'vengeance' further because my wife and I are doing good with him out of the picture.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I'm very impressed with how you handled this situation- I'm so glad you are getting through this- hating her isn't going to help you. I agree with what someone else said about still keeping your distance- she has a lot of trust to build back up with her husband and you. You are handling this the best way possible since you will see her out again- I don't know you, but I'm just so proud of you- lol  best of luck with everything


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You are very, very mature. One of my favorite songs is Amazing Grace. Most people aren't able to walk that walk. You are.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Wow - you guys are making me cry! Thank your for the kind words and encouragement. It makes me feel even better about my decision. Yay me!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Perspective is a powerful thing - and very easily lost in the face of an affair.

I don't know if you addressed this elsewhere, but I'm curious if you can speculate or honestly answer; an affair was the catalyst for making changes in your marriage for the better. Is that what had to happen? I'm not being facetious. Were you aware of, or would you have acknowledged the extent and depth of the issues had this crisis not occurred?


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

10,000 kudos to you. When anyone has a trauma, there are steps in the grieving process. Theres shock, denial, bargaining,guilt, anger, depression and hope. These are phases that may repeat themselves at any point of the grieving process. Very few people get past the guilt or anger phase. You have went straight to the hope part...and to highest level of forgiveness and and feeling empathy for the ones that wronged you. Kudos to you and I hope to one day be at your level.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Deejo - 

I knew there was issues in our marriage prior. I had built up alot of resentment towards my H due to financial strains, starting up a business, stress of 2 small children and he working lots of hours, etc. That resentment led to lots of arguing and fighting and a pretty much none existent sex life. I had asked to go to counseling many times but he refused. I knew we had issues with fighting and little sex but we still maintained the facade of a good marriage. We were always together as a family, did things with the kids all the time, etc. We still had fun together when we were out with friends, and anything we did for the most part, included our kids. We never went on dates which I think was the first contributor when our daughter was born. She was born with a medical condition so all our/my focus was on her. No longer us. I did know that but truthfully just thought maybe it would get better with time, or I would just live with it. I would honestly watch movies with couples in love, kissing and think - wow I'll never have that again. 

Did I know he was truly at the point of being completely fed up and done? NO. He would threaten walking out and leaving during agruments so I thought it was just him being mean during the heat of the moment. I would say that when we argue I never mention leaving him, as that was never an option for me. He never sat me down and had a serious conversation. By the time he got to that point, he was then talking with OW about his problems/feelings - not me. 

So, your question about if the affair hadn't taken place, would we be where we are now? I can't say for sure but as hard as it is to say, no I don't. I think it did take this horrible "trauma" to wake me up. I mean, I wish/hope that if he would have sat me down and said "this is where I am at - we need to work on this now or I am gone." Or even if it had got to the point of "I am thinking of cheating on you, let's fix this before I do." I think that would have given me a good enough jolt! 

Sadly I think I had gotten to the point that I knew my H was attracted to me (& I would get attention from other men confirming) so in my sad little mind why would my H leave or cheat on me? Also, my H had always ADORED me so I thought that no matter what I did, he would never leave/cheat on me - it's ME! I mean I wasn't walking around arrogant like that, I was sad/depressed too but if I started to think that way I would make myself feel better by telling myself that. 

So for me, that's why I think I am able to come to grips with this A the way I can. I know it was partially my doing that led to this. I can relive the moment he told me over and over like it was yesterday. And I remember 2 initial feelings - one of utter shock/grief/nausea and the other of intense desire to keep my H. The rush of feelings I had for him was incredible. Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, it was like they were all locked away inside of me and the moment he told me they rushed out and enveloped me. I am not "hunky dory" every moment of every day - I have bad days too where the grief and sadness take over. I am certain that there will be many tough times ahead, I just need to stay focused. 

So, thank you for asking the question. How sad that it did take this to realize that I my H is a great, sexy guy who deserves a wife that shows him & tells him that every day! Like our therapist says - the affair was this horrible/wonderful thing that happened to our marriage.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Yes, Luv - VERY lucky indeed!! :iagree:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Mommy2, thanks for your thoughtful response.

I know your story very well, because it's also my story. The summary of your marriage could also be mine. Right down to having a child that needs a tremendous amount of focus. Our son is autistic.

I now think of these as the key ingredients for creating the perfect storm in a marriage:
- kids
- money
- sex

Our roles are somewhat reversed, however. My wife had the affair.

My point, and the soap box which I won't ever get off of is pretty straightforward. The relationship with your spouse should be your oasis of strength, support and love. It should be the place you want to runt _to_ when the stresses of money, kids, job, life, becomes overwhelming - instead we tend to project those stresses onto our spouse.

When it came down to it ... she just saw me as another body that wanted something from her, that added more demands and stress.

It seems like you and your husband have found your way out that insidious box. Whereas it looks like TOW only added a whole bunch more crap to the box she and her husband share.

Overwhelmingly, I truly believe that if both people are invested in a reconciliation, that the distance that you believe to be between you is never as great as it appears.

If both parties cannot commit to rebuilding and rediscovering - it simply cannot work.

Please keep sharing your story. It will have tremendous value over time.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Deejo-

I by no means am glad to hear you story replicates mine, but do find a little comfort knowing our marriage isn't the only one to fall victim to this. 


_My point, and the soap box which I won't ever get off of is pretty straightforward. The relationship with your spouse should be your oasis of strength, support and love. It should be the place you want to runt to when the stresses of money, kids, job, life, becomes overwhelming - instead we tend to project those stresses onto our spouse._

You are 100% correct - your relationship should be your oasis and it wasn't for me. It was my source of anger & resentment. There wasn't an "US" anymore. Just looking at him at times p*ssed me off! Granted we also had the infertility journey to add to costs, stress, and a myriad of emotions. 4 years it took to get our daughter and our sex life turned into a chore. The hormone shots made me jekyll & Hyde. Even after her birth I never got back. Then we went through the process again for my son all the while my daughter was having surgeries and driving 4 hrs to hospital, etc. No sense in rehashing -we let our relationship slide. My kids ALWAYS came first. My marriage did not. Just as you said, when it came to intimacy I felt it as almost an insult, him wanting more when I was feeling I was already doing so much, etc. 

The OW is older & her children/stepchildren are grown & their youngest is 14. So, no stresses/demands of young children anymore and they are very financially secure and her H basically worshipped her. So, to hear my H pouring his heart out to her and not understanding how I wasn't attracted to him, etc. She fed right into it. My H understands how easy for her it was to say all the right things since she wasn't living my life and he regrets not seeing that then. And as you stated, that is also why it's so much harder for the OW's H to get through this. I know what was wrong here - nothing was wrong there, per se. 

_If both parties cannot commit to rebuilding and rediscovering - it simply cannot work._

You again, are absolutely correct on this statment as well. I hope this is the focus for your relationship too and that you are doing well with your rebuilding.

Thanks again for asking the tough question and making me look deep inside for the truth/answer.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is incredibly honest. HE needs to read this also - because I am certain of one thing and that is when a man gives up his edgy masculinity the passion in his marriage starts to die - and over time it will completely die. 

One reason we still have sparks in year 21 is the delicious blend of love, kindness, humor and fear - yes fear. It is a given that any man married this long has a healthy fear of his wife. The real question is does she have a healthy fear of HIM? I have never and will never lay a hand on my wife - still she has a healthy fear of me. She has no doubt what would happen if she stopped having sex with me simply because she was bored/disinterested etc. I would do exactly what your husband did. Just as she has seen two times how supportive I am if she has a medical condition that prevents intercourse. And she is supportive as well in the sense that she routinely offers alternative type of sex when she is closed for repairs. 

IMO a little bit of fear is not only healthy it is necessary for real passion. Maybe it is true in the other direction as well. Maybe part of the reason my wife is "hot" is that she is a little scary. 





mommy2 said:


> Deejo -
> 
> I knew there was issues in our marriage prior. I had built up alot of resentment towards my H due to financial strains, starting up a business, stress of 2 small children and he working lots of hours, etc. That resentment led to lots of arguing and fighting and a pretty much none existent sex life. I had asked to go to counseling many times but he refused. I knew we had issues with fighting and little sex but we still maintained the facade of a good marriage. We were always together as a family, did things with the kids all the time, etc. We still had fun together when we were out with friends, and anything we did for the most part, included our kids. We never went on dates which I think was the first contributor when our daughter was born. She was born with a medical condition so all our/my focus was on her. No longer us. I did know that but truthfully just thought maybe it would get better with time, or I would just live with it. I would honestly watch movies with couples in love, kissing and think - wow I'll never have that again.
> 
> ...


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

You know the wife of the husband my wife had the affair with confronted my wife and my wife acted the same way very apologetic and sorry and the other mans wife came away feeling not so angry at my wife. I tried to meet with the other guy and he would not see me. I was hoping at least he would say he was sorry but I have since found out he has told my wife if she is ever available he is waiting. I believe he would do this again in a heartbeat with no regrets I have nothing but contempt for this man So I think you are lucky she has so much remorse better than what I have to deal with


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Gar888 said:


> You know the wife of the husband my wife had the affair with confronted my wife and my wife acted the same way very apologetic and sorry and the other mans wife came away feeling not so angry at my wife. I tried to meet with the other guy and he would not see me. I was hoping at least he would say he was sorry but I have since found out he has told my wife if she is ever available he is waiting. I believe he would do this again in a heartbeat with no regrets I have nothing but contempt for this man So I think you are lucky she has so much remorse better than what I have to deal with


I wager he'd feel remorse after you introduced his kneecaps to a Louisville Slugger ...


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