# Advice Needed for argument over friends



## NessaJayne (Jun 26, 2013)

I need some advice desperately. My husband and I keep having the same argument and I need to know if I have any right to speak up about what I feel like is an insulting disregard for privacy. 

Some quick backstory. I have been married for 3.5 years and have been living with my husband for a total of just over 6 years. His previous girlfriend cheated on him with a good friend which has made him very untrusting. I have never cheated on him. In the very first month of dating him I was still talking as friends with a guy who I had previously dated but it upset R so I stopped. 

Now 6 years later I have a long distance friend, who is a straight non married guy, though he is pretty much always in relationships. I have never hidden this friend from my husband and I feel no attraction or desire for this individual. He and I used to talk to each other daily but my husband was insanely jealous and would go through my phone for texts and obsessively check our cell phone records to see who i was talking to. I stopped talking to him about 6 months ago. 

This past month we reconnected because he wanted to show my a new tattoo and knows that I love tattoos as I am a designer and artist and previously helped put his idea on paper to take to a tattoo artist. Since then we've talked very sporadically. I didn't tell me husband about it. Partially I didn't think it was a big deal and partially because I didn't want the argument. 

Now this morning while he was at work he checked out my cell phone record called me 6 times while I was sleeping before work so he could yell at me and call me mean/vulgar names. I feel he invaded my privacy. I don't have many friends, none of my friends liked my husband when we were first dating and he kind of chased them all away. I feel I should be allowed to have a friend who is hundreds of miles away that I can just talk to about common interests and normal chit chat without feeling like I'm a cheater. 

Am I out of line? Should I be able to bring up him going through cell phone records, insisting on having passwords, checking through my text messages and pictures on my computer and tell him I don't like it? Am I being oversensitive? I want desperately to be a good wife. I love him and I devote all my time and energy away from work to him. I just want a friend to talk to. Please help me I don't know what to do.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

NessaJayne said:


> I need some advice desperately. My husband and I keep having the same argument and I need to know if I have any right to speak up about what I feel like is an insulting disregard for privacy.
> 
> Some quick backstory. I have been married for 3.5 years and have been living with my husband for a total of just over 6 years. His previous girlfriend cheated on him with a good friend which has made him very untrusting. I have never cheated on him. In the very first month of dating him I was still talking as friends with a guy who I had previously dated but it upset R so I stopped.
> 
> ...


Well Yes, sorry to say this, but your H has a point. Let me list the ways:

1. There is no "privacy" in a marriage. Not a good marriage. Other than the bathroom, there is no reason in any marriage to hide anything from your spouse. That works both ways. You two are now one unit together. Neither gets to keep secrets from the other. Think about that.

2. Yes, you should have friends outside of the marriage, but not secret opposite sex friends that you get to confide in. Your spouse is the person you should be able to confide in. Why can't you have a female friend? Why do you insist on this male friend? Do you not see the potential for disaster here?

3. You work. Surely you have female co-workers and/or associates to bond with, and yet you are using this non-married male friend as your confident. And you would have no problem with your H doing the same with a single female friend as well?

You see, the potential for betrayal is way too easy. Betrayal is not always physical but can also be emotional. You should be sharing your thoughts and ideas with your spouse and not some other man. It isn't fair to your H who should be your best friend as well as your H. I can see why your H is upset. He sees this as a threat. You may not intend this to be a threat, but there it is. So what are you going to do? Fight for your "demand for privacy" so you can continue or fight for your marriage and let your H know that HE is your best friend?


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## NessaJayne (Jun 26, 2013)

I do have friends, but in general any female friends I make dislike my husband because he can be a bit off-putting and inappropriate. I used to have a larger circle of friends but one by one he chased them all away either by being rude and gross when they would come over or just out and out rude. He says that it was for my own protection because they were all taking advantage of me. 

I guess I understand that there is a level of potential for betrayal but should I eschew all male contact simply because I'm married? He has sing straight girl friends that he talks on to via facebook and stuff and I trust him implicitly. 

As far as privacy, I don't want to keep things secret from him I just feel a little hurt and strange about him checking through my email, facebook, cell phone and cell phone records. I've already sacrificed a social life, many friendships, going out to do things that I enjoy and hobbies for my marriage. Not to mention all the time and work I put in to keep our finances and household running, in addition to not spending any money on things I like. Am I supposed to give up everything I am just because I'm married? I don't want to do anything wrong but I just want to have one person that I can talk to. I don't even talk about my marriage or if i'm mad at R or anything! just about art and games and who his girlfriend is and stuff. is that wrong?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

NessaJayne said:


> any female friends I make dislike my husband because he can be a bit off-putting and inappropriate.





> He has sing straight girl friends that he talks on to via facebook and stuff





> I've already sacrificed a social life, many friendships, going out to do things that I enjoy and hobbies for my marriage.





> in addition to not spending any money on things I like.


You have much bigger problems in your marriage. I would have a problem with my H emailing some "friend" that he used to talk to daily. That's way too much contact with someone of the opposite sex. But if you feel the need for a friend this badly because you are cut off from all others and feel stifled by your husband's control issues, you guys need to figure that out pronto.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

NessaJayne said:


> I do have friends, but in general any female friends I make dislike my husband because he can be a bit off-putting and inappropriate. I used to have a larger circle of friends but one by one he chased them all away either by being rude and gross when they would come over or just out and out rude. He says that it was for my own protection because they were all taking advantage of me.


Aren't you suppose to defend your female friends from your husband? not this single guy?


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

I agree.http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/iagree.gif.pagespeed.ce.btfnu02NJf.gif

WWHT


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I have been on both sides of this coin. I had a guy best friend that I used to go camping with. This was undoubtedly an issue with a few guys I dated and back then I just couldn't understand why. Because I knew, without a doubt, that nothing would ever happen with us. So if I knew that then they should know that, right? Yeah, well, come to find out it doesn't work that way. And it was only when one of my boyfriend's had a best female friend. I hated that relationship. Didn't matter that I met her and I was no secret to her. It was just I was jealous of their closeness and the M/F dynamic. It really gave me a wake up call. I no longer seek male friends even now that I am single because I know that I'll be ditching them when a significant other comes along. Besides, male friends cramp my style when we go out to bars and whatnot.  

And I know your guy friend is hundreds of miles away but that doesn't mean it won't spark an emotional affair. That is what worries and upsets your husband. But what really upset him was the fact you hid it from him; regardless of the reason. Of course that will make him question why. 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 

I have to say that your husband deserves an apology. I know you may not think so but please put yourself in his shoes. Perhaps the compromise could be that you just communicate with this guy through facebook where it is out in the open? 

IDK -- but good luck.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

talk to someone daily?!?!?!? Wow, who has time for that?


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

You don't speak very highly of your husband here. Do you and your husband have no common interests like art and games you can discuss together? 

The only time it is okay to have a friend of the opposite sex is if your spouse is 100% okay with it and yours isn't. You stopped talking to this person once already knowing that. You are aware of your husbands trust issues and yet you still talk to someone you know makes him uncomfortable in secret. 

I suggest you cut off all ties with this person and put more effort into your relationship with your husband/rebuilding his trust.


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## NessaJayne (Jun 26, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> talk to someone daily?!?!?!? Wow, who has time for that?


daily is a slight exaggeration meant to illustrate how that it was frequent. 

thank you so much for you sincere and thoughtful advice. you are truly contributing so very much to this discussion.


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## NessaJayne (Jun 26, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I have been on both sides of this coin. I had a guy best friend that I used to go camping with. This was undoubtedly an issue with a few guys I dated and back then I just couldn't understand why. Because I knew, without a doubt, that nothing would ever happen with us. So if I knew that then they should know that, right? Yeah, well, come to find out it doesn't work that way. And it was only when one of my boyfriend's had a best female friend. I hated that relationship. Didn't matter that I met her and I was no secret to her. It was just I was jealous of their closeness and the M/F dynamic. It really gave me a wake up call. I no longer seek male friends even now that I am single because I know that I'll be ditching them when a significant other comes along. Besides, male friends cramp my style when we go out to bars and whatnot.
> 
> And I know your guy friend is hundreds of miles away but that doesn't mean it won't spark an emotional affair. That is what worries and upsets your husband. But what really upset him was the fact you hid it from him; regardless of the reason. Of course that will make him question why.
> 
> ...


thank you, this is actually the only advice that i consider to be thoughtful and from a place that is free from judgement. i've never posted on a forum like this before because i was afraid of all the judgmental harsh people who say things through the anonymity of internet they never would otherwise. 

i have apologized to him and am trying to see his side. though i still disagree with him combing through my phone, facebook and phone records to keep tabs on me i am trying to see the fear in his side. he isn't able to see the devotion i have toward him in my heart. i'm going to continue to try to live as a wonderful wife to him.


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## NessaJayne (Jun 26, 2013)

psychedelicately said:


> You don't speak very highly of your husband here. Do you and your husband have no common interests like art and games you can discuss together?
> 
> The only time it is okay to have a friend of the opposite sex is if your spouse is 100% okay with it and yours isn't. You stopped talking to this person once already knowing that. You are aware of your husbands trust issues and yet you still talk to someone you know makes him uncomfortable in secret.
> 
> I suggest you cut off all ties with this person and put more effort into your relationship with your husband/rebuilding his trust.


i do see your point. i still maintain that i should be allowed to have friends of some sort without him chasing them away. i feel extremely isolated 90% of the time. obviously, or else i wouldn't be asking total strangers for advice. something which i can say with 100% certainty i will never do again. 

no i'm not speaking very highly of him here. i'm being 100% open and honest about a situation that is frustrating me. i am keeping it to this one issue, not the other problems that i have with him and keep silent about. 

we do have common interests, that's one of the reasons we are married. who on earth would marry someone they don't have anything in common with. my problem is that after 6 years of devotion and sacrifices i feel that i shouldn't be spied on like i'm untrustworthy. he is my husband not my parole officer. trust is a two way street. i trust him and let him talk to whomever he pleases.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He's super-sensitive about you potentially cheating because he's been cheated on in the past by someone else.

However, the rules he applies to YOU do not seem to apply to HIM since he feels free to chat with single women on facebook.

Double standard. And highly unfair for him to punish you for something his ex did, while at the same time engaging in the same behavior that he doesn't want you to engage in.

I'd be upset and I don't blame you for being upset.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

NessaJayne said:


> thank you, this is actually the only advice that i consider to be thoughtful and from a place that is free from judgement. i've never posted on a forum like this before because i was afraid of all the judgmental harsh people who say things through the anonymity of internet they never would otherwise.


Unfortunately you are on TAM, where many people here admit they don't have any friends other than their spouse, and insist they should give up any and all friends that make their spouse "uncomfortable". 

I think that's really sad and unhealthy, but I may be in the minority here. 



> i have apologized to him and am trying to see his side. though i still disagree with him combing through my phone, facebook and phone records to keep tabs on me i am trying to see the fear in his side. he isn't able to see the devotion i have toward him in my heart. i'm going to continue to try to live as a wonderful wife to him.


You could be the most wonderful wife ever, and it won't cure his jealousy. Calling you six times in a rage crosses the line of the acceptable. Even if you were a cheater (which you weren't), no one can live the rest of their lives this way. I recommend marriage counseling for you both.


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

NessaJayne said:


> i do see your point. i still maintain that i should be allowed to have friends of some sort without him chasing them away. i feel extremely isolated 90% of the time. obviously, or else i wouldn't be asking total strangers for advice. something which i can say with 100% certainty i will never do again.
> 
> no i'm not speaking very highly of him here. i'm being 100% open and honest about a situation that is frustrating me. i am keeping it to this one issue, not the other problems that i have with him and keep silent about.
> 
> we do have common interests, that's one of the reasons we are married. who on earth would marry someone they don't have anything in common with. my problem is that after 6 years of devotion and sacrifices i feel that i shouldn't be spied on like i'm untrustworthy. he is my husband not my parole officer. trust is a two way street. i trust him and let him talk to whomever he pleases.


You wont come back for advice because you didn't get the responses you wanted? I wasn't trying to be rude or judgmental. 

You SHOULD be allowed to have friends, but this one happens to be someone your husband has already stated makes him very uncomfortable, and you've kept up communication in secret---not okay in marriage IMO. You also don't seem willing to give up this friend, despite the constant problems it is causing in your marriage. I would not be comfortable if my husband was frequently talking to another woman knowing it would upset me. The marriage should be the priority. 

On the other hand, it sounds like your husband may have some boundary issues. He can't expect you not to talk to other men if he is talking to other women. In what ways does your husband act inappropriately and scare off all of your potential female friends? Have you discussed this with him? Can't you talk to them on the phone as you do this other friend, or go out when you want to see each other? 

Again, not trying to be rude. You should stick around. TAM is wonderful, but you will definitely get all kinds of opinions here and not always the ones you are looking for.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

You should have told your husband that you talked to the friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is an accident waiting to happen.

A) A jealous husband

B) A wife who does not respect her husband

C) A wife who makes friends with males becuase of A and B.

The reason you are seeking out male friendship is becuase of what is lacking in your marriage.... Ideally you will work with your husband to create a marriage and life that is fulfilling to you... If that can't happen there is divorce etc... Having opposite sex friends is not usually good in a marriage, and certainly not realistic in your marriage due to your husband..


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

You should stop all the sacrifices for your husband but IMO you are picking the wrong battle. You shouldn't be fighting to keep this male friend, but rather your female friends (but, were they taking advantage of you?) and hobbies. And insisting he reciprocate on not having opposite sex friends. I'd also stop fighting about the "snooping".


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