# WH Finally Admits to Cheating



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

After 2 months of arguments, silent treatments, trickle-truth and gaslighting, my H finally admitted that he had cheated in his online escapades. No more minimizing and deflection, he said, "This was wrong and stupid. It was cheating, I need to grow up and work these problems out without bringing hurt into our marriage. I would have been so angry had you done this to me. I am sorry. I wish you could find a way to forgive me."

A first. He has NEVER asked for forgiveness. I did not reply. 

So what now? I really didn't think this would happen.....I have been steeling myself to move on.....becoming emotionally independent......accepting that his choices were up to him....taking care of myself and spending time with family....now I have a fear that I will get pulled back.....pulled back into the marriage that didn't work.....losing myself again to the reset button.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

At least now we know why it was worth nuking that hard drive. 

I think you maintain the position you've recently adopted and make him do the work to get you back in. He did a lot to push you away, making him win you back is a good exercise.

Is he willing to provide you details, exactly what did he do that he now admits is cheating? (I'm not asking for details, just if he will give them to you). If he's really taking ownership of it all and is willing to be held accountable he'll answer your questions - which you've got to have.

I'd remain optimistically skeptical.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Keep your emotions under control. Dont get into anger. It spoils the whole thing. Dont make the mistakes I did.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> At least now we know why it was worth nuking that hard drive.
> 
> I think you maintain the position you've recently adopted and make him do the work to get you back in. He did a lot to push you away, making him win you back is a good exercise.
> 
> ...


Thanks, sigma. Yes, we are starting to talk about The Wall that happens when you have to maintain such a massive lie. How the marriage suffers incredibly with the WS "going through the motions". The deception creates the distance----then the distance is used to justify stepping out of the marriage.

And we are openly finally discussing porn and cybersex. Where the "line" is and why he rationalized crossing it. What our opinions are. We have never talked in a compassionate way about this. Ever.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Thanks, sigma. Yes, we are starting to talk about The Wall that happens when you have to maintain such a massive lie. How the marriage suffers incredibly with the WS "going through the motions". The deception creates the distance----then the distance is used to justify stepping out of the marriage.
> 
> And we are openly finally discussing porn and cybersex. Where the "line" is and why he rationalized crossing it. What our opinions are. *We have never talked in a compassionate way about this. *Ever.


It's a very emotionally charged topic - often the limits are vague with regards to what is cheating and what is just porn. His line may have become 'moveable', at least in his mind.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> It's a very emotionally charged topic - often the limits are vague with regards to what is cheating and what is just porn. His line may have become 'moveable', at least in his mind.


Yes, we talked about this very thing. And I agree this is a powder keg topic. He admits he moved the line. And justified this in his own mind.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Yes, we talked about this very thing. And I agree this is a powder keg topic. He admits he moved the line. And justified this in his own mind.



You and your husband should watch this from a Ted X Conference:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zif0_60b3WU


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Keep your emotions under control. Dont get into anger. It spoils the whole thing. Dont make the mistakes I did.


Thanks, I know this is the hardest part. So much shame-based reactivity surrounds the whole topic, at least with us. Add cheating and its twice as bad. And anger has got the best of me plenty of times.

When I started realizing this was my _life_ and not just a marital conflict, the anger left, and I advocated for the honesty and integrity of myself, my H and the marriage.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> So what now? I really didn't think this would happen.....I have been steeling myself to move on.....becoming emotionally independent......accepting that his choices were up to him....taking care of myself and spending time with family....now I have a fear that I will get pulled back.....pulled back into the marriage that didn't work.....losing myself again to the reset button.


Fact is, you are headed to where you need to be, whether you stay w/ him or not.:smthumbup:


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> You and your husband should watch this from a Ted X Conference:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zif0_60b3WU


Thanks! That is an interesting site also.... how the sluggish reward circuitry forms over time. And yes, we have discussed this also. He has also been reading Buddha's Brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness love and wisdom, a fascinating book.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

river rat said:


> Fact is, you are headed to where you need to be, whether you stay w/ him or not.:smthumbup:


I sure hope you are right!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How are you dealing with (i) feeling helplessness, (ii) sudden rush of lonliness?

Will be helpful for others in the forum.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> How are you dealing with (i) feeling helplessness, (ii) sudden rush of lonliness?
> 
> Will be helpful for others in the forum.


A&U----I have been through it all before getting to this emotional place. I dealt with it by crying, being in shock, getting drunk, thinking my marriage was a big joke, big blow outs, etc......then I had the separation agreement done. Gave it to him. That's what changed me. I went from only seeing my pain to seeing our pain. The pain the marriage was producing for both of us. I didn't feel helpless anymore. I felt that we both had really tried----when I saw it all in black and white. These last years have been hard. I wanted to be strong again, but I was exhausted. I loved him enough to let go.

The loneliness, I guess I don't feel it anymore. I felt it in our 2nd year, when I had a fetal demise. Our baby didn't make it. Then my beloved dog got cancer and passed. It was a terrible time..... but I was honored to have them in my life for the time they were with me. And I felt this way towards my husband when I discovered his lies...

I felt we had our time, and there were some magical and extraordinary moments. So I was willing to let the marriage die, and honor it as well. I assumed it was already over. Then he wanted R, so we are now working on that. But I know the old marriage is gone. In time we'll see what becomes of our new relationship, if anything.

I just decided that I am not going to waste any more time feeling bad because I took a chance on love, because I opened my heart to trust, because I believed in my husband. I don't regret it. The marriage isn't judged by its outcome. I would, however, regret it if I had stayed with the marriage the way it was now. And while I hope it is possible to move forward with him, I know I will be OK either way. And so will you.


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