# At a crossroads...



## Cloudy1 (May 30, 2012)

Hello.

First off, I can believe I'm here, but just want to try to get some input.

I've been married for 11 years, we dated for 2. My husband suffers from anxiety, he's in counseling for that currently. 

We've had some rough spots but mostly good times.

My main complaints - unattentiveness (way too much time on the computer), negativity (uses a lot of foul language, seems to get satisfaction from others misfortunes), road rage (may not seem like much but it gets old when you hate driving with someone because you are just waiting for them to swear and/or flip someone off when you're driving and your kids are in the car), and misuse of money. Many of these problems can be traced to the anxiety.

Another area of concern for me is the fact that I carry a majority of the burden at home, cooking, cleaning, running after the kids.

His complaint that I know of - I'm not affectionate and he does not feel loved. 

We've had the same problems forever, he gets mad about something, isolates himself giving me the silent treatment, I bark at him because I want some kind of communication (even if it's negative) he gets mad, says mean things, we argue and go our separate ways and after a while all is well again.

But 2 days ago it was different, I thought, "why should I subject myself to this any longer, this is not what I want, not what I want my kids to be exposed to."

So I left, packed a few things quietly and took my daughter to my parents house. There was arguing after I told him that I needed a break. Don't want to go into the details.

But overall I want this to work, I do love him but I feel that I little bit of my soul is lost everytime we fight because of the emotional toll of the silent treatment that normally lasts days.

I know I'm unaffectionate, there's not enough intimacy. But it's hard to be loving to the person who just got done calling other drivers blankety blanks on the drive home or listening to him use such foul language when complaining about work.

We're going to counseling tomorrow, he says he's not sure if he wants to work it out. I'm just feeling hopeless at this point. 

Any input is appreciated.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, going to counseling is good. That's a good start -- and even if it doesn't work, you will know that you have tried.

I'm so sorry, and I'm glad you are in a supportive place. Constant rage is a hard thing to be around, so I do understand.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Wow, it's always cool to hear when a couple has decided to go to marriage counseling. Usually, people come here and have to be told when it seems obvious that is what they need and should have done it already although I realize not everyone can afford it. Your problems as you explain them are very common. In fact, the number one complaint among men is no sex (intimacy) or not enough of it. The reasons for women are almost always the same. Basically, he turns you off, so you don't have any desire to be intimate with him. Marriage counselors are very familiar since the problem is so common, so have faith that it will be helpful in your case.

There are three potential reasons marriage counselig might not be helpful. One might be that your husband won't really participate the way he should because he's done with the marriage and doesn't want to fix it. If he still wants the marriage, he will be as devoted, hopeful, and participatory as you are.

Another reason might be that he is too self-righteous to accept he has to change his ways and behaviors. Sometimes, one person may feel no responsibility for any of the problems, and that could be your husband. The only reason I say is that you tell us he is in counseling for anxiety. I don't know how long he's been in counseling, but have there been any concrete changes or improvement that last for more than a week or two? I kind of doubt it based on the information you provided. Although I don't know it with absolute certainty, it's my understanding anxiety is a condition that must be treated with medication. I don't know how just counseling can have any real influence or effect on a person's uncontrollable inclinations and behavior. Anxiety is a disorder that requires meds.

And the last reason MC might not work is if one party is isolated and alienated in the sessions. This happens when a therapist is not a good marriage counselor. For example, if the counselor seems to side with you and tell your husband all about how wrong he is and he needs to change, your husband will naturally resent feeling attacked and reject any suggestions for improvement. He will likely give up very quickly and stop attending the sessions. It would make you feel good and finally validated to be heard, but it's not the way to conduct marriage counseling because no progress can possibly be made. No one will accept being told they are so flawed and all the marital problems are their fault. You would also resent being treated that way. Anyone would. So, don't let that happen to your husband or to yourself.

You have to be selective when choosing a marriage counselor. A good counselor will hear you both out for the initial session or two. Like I said, your complaints are very common, so your counselor will already be familiar. Rather than attacking either party, the counselor will be able to devise goal-oriented strategies for you both to work on to improve communication skills and conflict resolution. Goal-oriented means your progress should be noticeable and measureable.

One other thing is that usually, doctors/counselors/therapists/psychologists who are individual counselors do not make good marriage counselors, so you want to choose someone with a track record, if not specialty, in marriage counseling and family therapy.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm sorry for what you are going through. When he is so controlled by his anxiety, it must make it even harder to understand if he really wants to work things out, but maybe finds it so much easier to throw in the towel. I think marriage counseling is the best plan, but don't be discouraged if you don't hit it off with the first counselor. My wife and I saw several while we were struggling through a number of problems, and it was the third one that really clicked for us- we both felt a great rapport.

I'd certainly suggest that he also seek individual counseling for the anxiety and anger. You deserve better. So much of your post sounds like a woman with a great heart for forgiveness and reconciliation, and I hope that he doesn't make the mistake of not realizing that this is worth fighting for.


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## Cloudy1 (May 30, 2012)

Thanks, River and Halien, for your responses. I really hope that we can work it out. I chose a counselor based on what my employer's EAP provided, it's at a reputable facility and I was able to select my counselor, 29 years of experience in family and marriage counseling. I hope he'll be helpful since we have 4 free sessions available to us with him.

It's been 3 days now since I left and it's starting to get to me, I'm just down in the dumps. And my brain is not helping....I keep thinking thoughts of 'what's he doing right now? he's probably out having fun loving it that I'm gone.' My commom sense tells me that can't be true but you know how your mind can run away from you.

I'm staying with my parents and feel that's not going to work long term. I'm a pleaser and feel stuck between what they think I should do and what my heart is telling me. My brother tries to be helpful and I know he's knowledgable (he went through a bad relationship, broke up, and learned a lot from counseling) but he's too subjective since I'm his sister, too protective of me, it skews his perspective.

We'll see what happens, wish me luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Speaking from a man's perspective, this issue of his is HUGE:

"His complaint that I know of - I'm not affectionate and he does not feel loved" 

I've always loved the line "A man is like a linoleum floor. Lay him right and you can walk on him for 40 years"

If he hasn't made any progress with his counselor, he should consider finding another one.

Try to stay isolated from your parents advice because it will be very one-sided. I know if it was my daughter, I'd be telling her to forget the guy too!

Don't give up just yet!


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## Cloudy1 (May 30, 2012)

Thanks, Toffer. I won't give up yet, I'm just trying to figure out where to find the strength to meet this challenge head on. 

One thing that I forgot to point out is that he is on meds for the anxiety, that's a part of the counseling he's going through.

I know I shouldn't feel this way but in a way I feel guilty for doing this now, he just recently finished going back to school and will be starting full time work later in June. It's a period of change for him and he is trying to figure things out.

I do feel that he uses the anxiety as a crutch, I think he tells himself that he cannot change how he behaves because it's just a mental thing that he cannot control. I call BS on that.

I know that I need some individual counseling too, when I think about it I think I may have had some depression for the last few years, but was blind to it, feeling like I'm the "normal" one in the relationship.

Lots to work on.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cloudy,

Good for you realizing that you may have some issues too that need to be addressed!

Get yourself into counseling asap and tell your huby that you're taking action to deal with your issues and you hope he'll do the same!

Good luck and keep us posted!


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