# I feel suffocated by my husband.



## ohmaggiemae

My husband has worked at home the entire 10 1/2 years we have been married. We have two children, 7 and 9, who are on summer break right now. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was home alone. My husband is home all the time! Every day I feel like I'm sneaking away to different areas of our house to get away from him. He kind of follows me around. His office is on our second floor and he'll just randomly come downstairs all day long. I'm constantly being interrupted no matter what I'm doing. We've talked about it in marriage counseling but with him it's in one ear and out the other! And he gets so offended! If I'm crabby and irritable, he seems to hover even more! At least the kids kind of stay away, knowing Mommy needs some air. But not Daddy! He stares at me, tip toes around me and asks what's wrong. Honestly I feel like saying, 
"You're smothering me! Go somewhere!"

He can always go - like to a coffee shop or whatever. All he needs is his laptop and cell phone. MY job IS the home! I can't clean my home and take care of my kids somewhere else! What I can do is leave by myself and go shopping or something but I don't always want to and I don't totally trust him to watch the kids! He goes up to his office and closes his door. He can't hear them or see them. That's not watching them. 

He knows I feel like this but maybe not to this extent. We'll joke, "Going on a trip anytime soon, honey?" I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He's always going to work at home. I'm homeschooling my daughter now so I can't get a job outside the home. I've thought about suggesting to him that he rent a little office somewhere but I know he'll never fork out the money for that and he'll just get all offended and wounded.

I do love him, no doubt. He's my best friend, a wonderful husband and a great father. There are a lot of pros to having him at home, too. I just wish he wasn't home sooooo much!

Has anyone out there been in this situation? Does anyone have any kind, understanding advice? I would greatly appreciate it.


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## costa200

Doesn't he have hobbies to occupy some of his time? Man stuff, sports, watch races, something in the open air...


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## momtwo4

ohmaggiemae said:


> My husband has worked at home the entire 10 1/2 years we have been married. We have two children, 7 and 9, who are on summer break right now. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was home alone. My husband is home all the time! Every day I feel like I'm sneaking away to different areas of our house to get away from him. He kind of follows me around. His office is on our second floor and he'll just randomly come downstairs all day long. I'm constantly being interrupted no matter what I'm doing. We've talked about it in marriage counseling but with him it's in one ear and out the other! And he gets so offended! If I'm crabby and irritable, he seems to hover even more! At least the kids kind of stay away, knowing Mommy needs some air. But not Daddy! He stares at me, tip toes around me and asks what's wrong. Honestly I feel like saying,
> "You're smothering me! Go somewhere!"
> 
> He can always go - like to a coffee shop or whatever. All he needs is his laptop and cell phone. MY job IS the home! I can't clean my home and take care of my kids somewhere else! What I can do is leave by myself and go shopping or something but I don't always want to and I don't totally trust him to watch the kids! He goes up to his office and closes his door. He can't hear them or see them. That's not watching them.
> 
> He knows I feel like this but maybe not to this extent. We'll joke, "Going on a trip anytime soon, honey?" I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He's always going to work at home. I'm homeschooling my daughter now so I can't get a job outside the home. I've thought about suggesting to him that he rent a little office somewhere but I know he'll never fork out the money for that and he'll just get all offended and wounded.
> 
> I do love him, no doubt. He's my best friend, a wonderful husband and a great father. There are a lot of pros to having him at home, too. I just wish he wasn't home sooooo much!
> 
> Has anyone out there been in this situation? Does anyone have any kind, understanding advice? I would greatly appreciate it.


I can totally relate to feeling like you need some space. I stay at home with our four kids, and my husband works outside the home though. But sometimes in the evenings I just want an hour to myself. During these times I don't want to talk, touch, or do anything with anyone else. I CRAVE time to myself, and honestly it's something I miss about my single years. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy spending time with my husband. I DO. But some people need some space to function (especially introverts) and recharge.

I think your husband needs to respect this. I would make sure you give him plenty of attention (sexually and emotionally) and simply tell him that sometimes you do need some space. He might feel a little hurt and rejected initially, but if you demonstrate by your words and actions that you DO also love to be around him, hopefully he will understand that you are not trying to reject him, but that you need space to function.


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## Mavash.

Does he get plenty of attention from you or are you constantly running from him?

I say this because when my kids get clingy if I stop and give them focused attention and I mean REALLY focused they are then content to entertain themselves again.

Just a thought.


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## that_girl

So you are a SAHM and he works from home? For 10.5 years?



You are a saint as I would have eaten my husband by now, if he was a hovering husband like yours.

I love my husband too, but people need SPACE at times! I love my alone time and I love my time with him...but this would drive me over the edge.


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## norajane

Do you have a room of your own in the house, where you can lock the door and keep everyone out when you need an hour to yourself?

Can you send him out of the house WITH the children sometimes? Maybe he can take them to the park or something so you can squeeze in some time alone? Even taking them out to the back yard for an hour and playing with them could work.

I wouldn't be able to stand being smothered like that. I'd probably have a very candid conversation telling him honestly that I cannot function when I feel smothered. Tell him you're reaching nervous breakdown levels and need him to take you seriously.


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## Shocker

Yeah, my wife clings to me so tightly I feel like I'm trapped and cannot breath. I love her so much too so I put up with it. Otherwise, "you don't care"! Maddening stuff.

If someone has an answer I'd love to read it.

BTW: I've given up almost ALL hobbies, activities etc. Heck, she takes a nap and wants me laying next to her! Its bizarre and I have no anwer for it.


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## Mavash.

Shocker said:


> Heck, she takes a nap and wants me laying next to her!.


Okay I have to ask. What happens if you just say NO?


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## Shocker

Mavash. said:


> Okay I have to ask. What happens if you just say NO?


Well starts with...you ok? Whats wrong? You don't want to be around me? Escallates to tears, you don't love me and you will leave me wont you. Almost everytime. Like that with MOST things though.


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## kag123

that_girl said:


> So you are a SAHM and he works from home? For 10.5 years?
> 
> 
> 
> You are a saint as I would have eaten my husband by now, if he was a hovering husband like yours.
> 
> I love my husband too, but people need SPACE at times! I love my alone time and I love my time with him...but this would drive me over the edge.


Uh yea. This!

How is your house set up - it sounds like there needs to be a little more division with a little "his" and "hers" space. You've heard of a man cave, can you make yourself a woman cave somewhere? 

Truthfully if this was my life, I would absolutely no problem shutting the bedroom door and hanging out in bed for an hour with the laptop and the TV just chilling by myself. I'd just tell everyone - see you in an hour, this is mommy time!

Also, I know your kids are a little older but DH and I have a big division of chores and caretaking duties that helps us to get some space. DH always handles the bathtime and bedtime routine with our two kids...which takes about an hour total. During that time I am left alone because he is occupying them. I always handle the chaotic come-home and cook dinner routine while watching them, so DH has about an hour to unwind as soon as he gets home from work. He generally prefers to spend his alone time tinkering around in the yard or in the basement so he is not anywhere near us. 

I don't think you can ask someone like your husband for space, you've just gotta set it up so you can tell him that you are taking it.


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## norajane

Shocker said:


> Yeah, my wife clings to me so tightly I feel like I'm trapped and cannot breath. I love her so much too so I put up with it. Otherwise, "you don't care"! Maddening stuff.
> 
> If someone has an answer I'd love to read it.
> 
> BTW: I've given up almost ALL hobbies, activities etc. Heck, she takes a nap and wants me laying next to her! Its bizarre and I have no anwer for it.


She sounds insecure - maybe has abandonment issues?

You need to take your hobbies and activities back. You may be willing to indulge her now, but a lifetime of that will only create resentment and, frankly, boredom. You didn't marry her to be her security blanket.


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## Shocker

norajane said:


> She sounds insecure - maybe has abandonment issues?
> 
> You need to take your hobbies and activities back. You may be willing to indulge her now, but a lifetime of that will only create resentment and, frankly, boredom. You didn't marry her to be her security blanket.


Yeah, you are probably right.


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## ohmaggiemae

Mavash. said:


> Does he get plenty of attention from you or are you constantly running from him?
> 
> I say this because when my kids get clingy if I stop and give them focused attention and I mean REALLY focused they are then content to entertain themselves again.
> 
> Just a thought.


Good point and so true about kids. I can try it. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohmaggiemae

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl

Shocker said:


> Well starts with...you ok? Whats wrong? You don't want to be around me? Escallates to tears, you don't love me and you will leave me wont you. Almost everytime. Like that with MOST things though.












Ughh...I hate that.

My ex, that was a confidence thing.


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## ohmaggiemae

costa200 said:


> Doesn't he have hobbies to occupy some of his time? Man stuff, sports, watch races, something in the open air...


He golfs once in awhile, otherwise no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shocker

wiigirl said:


> Ughh...I hate that.
> 
> My ex, that was a confidence thing.


Yeah I've discovered suffocation = low self esteem


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## ohmaggiemae

norajane said:


> Do you have a room of your own in the house, where you can lock the door and keep everyone out when you need an hour to yourself?
> 
> Can you send him out of the house WITH the children sometimes? Maybe he can take them to the park or something so you can squeeze in some time alone? Even taking them out to the back yard for an hour and playing with them could work.
> 
> I wouldn't be able to stand being smothered like that. I'd probably have a very candid conversation telling him honestly that I cannot function when I feel smothered. Tell him you're reaching nervous breakdown levels and need him to take you seriously.


Thank you! Yes, it is at the nervous breakdown point! Plus the guilt from sounding ungrateful for having a great husband. It's a DAILY struggle! I hate the constant and unpredictable interruptions! I want to lock HIM in his office and say, "Stay there until 5 oclock (like most normal marriages) when I NEED you!" Then I'll take my hour to myself. But to have him wandering around the house all day, every day trying to get my attention just drives me crazy! He's more emotionally needy and draining than the kids! Thank you for understanding and for your advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Omg. I am just baffled why a spouse would want to bother their husband/wife like that! 

I LOVE being with my husband. LOVE his days off. LOVE when he home. But I can read him, and he can read me and we know when to chill or let the other chill.

I'm surprised you haven't gone off on your husband. I'd probably get mean (I get mean when I feel like people aren't listening to my needs) and say something like, 'WHY ARE YOU UP MY ASS ALL DAY!?'


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## ohmaggiemae

kag123 said:


> Uh yea. This!
> 
> How is your house set up - it sounds like there needs to be a little more division with a little "his" and "hers" space. You've heard of a man cave, can you make yourself a woman cave somewhere?
> 
> Truthfully if this was my life, I would absolutely no problem shutting the bedroom door and hanging out in bed for an hour with the laptop and the TV just chilling by myself. I'd just tell everyone - see you in an hour, this is mommy time!
> 
> Also, I know your kids are a little older but DH and I have a big division of chores and caretaking duties that helps us to get some space. DH always handles the bathtime and bedtime routine with our two kids...which takes about an hour total. During that time I am left alone because he is occupying them. I always handle the chaotic come-home and cook dinner routine while watching them, so DH has about an hour to unwind as soon as he gets home from work. He generally prefers to spend his alone time tinkering around in the yard or in the basement so he is not anywhere near us.
> 
> I don't think you can ask someone like your husband for space, you've just gotta set it up so you can tell him that you are taking it.


Yeah, I can take Mommy time. He even offers that when he can. It's the hanging around the house ALL day long that drives me crazy! He's in his office sometimes then comes downstairs and wanders around, looks for me, asks the kids where I am, finds me and just kind of stays there. That's when I walk out like I've got laundry or dishes or whatever makes me look busy just to be away from him. Nevermind what I was doing that he intruded upon yet again. It's like he's bored and so comes to me. That is my pet peeve! I'm not interested in curing others boredom!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister

It's sort of funny but I feel bad for you too. I used to be like that with my wife at the beginning when we were on better footing. I just loved her so damn much and being with her, even just shooting the sht and talking was fun. But now that Im a little older I realize that was crazy. A woman needs time to just breathe. Especially in her own home.


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## norajane

ohmaggiemae said:


> Yeah, I can take Mommy time. He even offers that when he can. It's the hanging around the house ALL day long that drives me crazy! He's in his office sometimes then comes downstairs and wanders around, looks for me, asks the kids where I am, finds me and just kind of stays there. That's when I walk out like I've got laundry or dishes or whatever makes me look busy just to be away from him. Nevermind what I was doing that he intruded upon yet again.* It's like he's bored and so comes to me*. That is my pet peeve! I'm not interested in curing others boredom!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, that's exactly his problem. He gets bored working alone all the time and has no one else to talk with when he needs a break. If he were in an office, if he needed a break, he'd 
go get some coffee, run into someone and have a chat and then go back to work. Or he'd grab some lunch with a few people from the office.

You are filling in for the missing coworkers and the social interaction.

Could you maybe work out a scheduled break session for him, so that you can at least confine his roaming to specific times you can plan for? Like, maybe schedule a 30 minute lunch with him each day, and during that time, focus on him. Maybe even throw in a 15 minute coffee break with him mid-morning or afternoon. But then tell him you expect him to leave you alone the rest of the time so that you can focus on YOUR work.


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## ScarletBegonias

I think i'm the odd one out here lol

I was married to a man who never spent any time with me.It was like living alone but married.
I'm VERY independent,have my own hobbies,have my own interests and so forth. However,my SO wants to do everything with me and I love that about him.

It isn't always a confidence or self esteem issue.I simply love spending as much time with him as possible.He embraced my hobbies and interests,I embraced his and now we do them together.

For the situation of OP though I think I'd get annoyed not about the fact that he wants to be around her but by the fact that it seems it isn't about her,it's about his boredom.

oh and the nap thing for the other poster,i think it's wrong to guilt another person into spending time w/you.It's rude and immature,it sucks your wife manipulates you like that.


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## that_girl

Have a chore ready for your husband when he hovers.


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## Shocker

that_girl said:


> Have a chore ready for your husband when he hovers.


Nice.

Or why not ask him: You don't think I'm being to clingy do you? Huh? Do you? Huh? Reverse that thing.


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## ScarletBegonias

Shocker said:


> Nice.
> 
> Or why not ask him: You don't think I'm being to clingy do you? Huh? Do you? Huh? Reverse that thing.


sounds passive aggressive to me. why not outright communicate the issues and leave sarcasm out of it?


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## Shocker

ScarletBegonias said:


> sounds passive aggressive to me. why not outright communicate the issues and leave sarcasm out of it?


Or that. Wait, you can do that?


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## ScarletBegonias

Shocker said:


> Or that. Wait, you can do that?


lol 

sadly with most people you can't.


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## EleGirl

How much time do you spend away from home and away from our child?

Plan outings with your child a few days a week.

Join a home school association. They have things that you and your child can do with other people, like field trips, classes give by other parents, etc.

Find a mother's day out program. This will give your child a chance to socialize with other children and you some time by your self. Many churches have programs like this. Then either plan something you want to do by yourself or with friends. Or go to a friend or relative's home and just spend some alone time.

You can significantly decrease the amount of time that you are available for him to bug you by you being out of the house.

Since your husband works at home he need to network with others in his field and with customers. So find events that allow for this and make him go... just tell him that he needs to network and be honest that you need some house time alone.


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## norajane

EleGirl said:


> Since your husband works at home he need to network with others in his field and with customers. So find events that allow for this and make him go... just tell him that he needs to network and be honest that you need some house time alone.


This is an excellent idea. I work from home most of the time, but when I do go into the office or go to events, or for business travel, it has a refreshing effect and certainly helps strengthen business relationships.

He should be making some of his meetings in person instead of just on the phone or web conference.

I don't know if the OP is the one who should be looking for these networking events, though. But she can encourage him to find some.


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## Dr. Rockstar

I don't know if this will be able to help you at all, but I know that in a lot of larger cities (especially in the west) there are places to combat this very kind of situation. Since so many people are working off their laptops now, they can rent space in a cubicle farm to get away from the house, network with a wide variety of others, and provide an address and receptionist that can add an air of legitimacy to traditionalists.


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## EleGirl

norajane said:


> This is an excellent idea. I work from home most of the time, but when I do go into the office or go to events, or for business travel, it has a refreshing effect and certainly helps strengthen business relationships.
> 
> He should be making some of his meetings in person instead of just on the phone or web conference.
> 
> I don't know if the OP is the one who should be looking for these networking events, though. But she can encourage him to find some.


I suggested that she look some up as a starting point. Once he starts to go he might just like them and start looking for them himself.


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## EleGirl

Dr. Rockstar said:


> I don't know if this will be able to help you at all, but I know that in a lot of larger cities (especially in the west) there are places to combat this very kind of situation. Since so many people are working off their laptops now, they can rent space in a cubicle farm to get away from the house, network with a wide variety of others, and provide an address and receptionist that can add an air of legitimacy to traditionalists.


I rented in a place like that for a few years. Instead of cubicals they rented out offices. There was a receptionist, a mail room, a break room. There were also conference rooms that a person could use x number of hours a week/month. It was very reasonably priced.


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## bkaydezz

You both are spending ALOT of time together. Everyone knows that each other needs a little space and quiet time for themselves.
If you escape him you have the kids.
There is no room for you to breathe right now.
I think you need to take sometime and go out for a while by yourself, to a movie go eat somewhere read a book magazine. Anything that is solitude for you.
I dont see any problems with your marriage which is great!!!
Just lots and lots of time together. 
I would like to say even that it bothers you, you are very fortunate to havea man that loves to be by yourside


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## ohmaggiemae

So many good ideas and advice! Thank you everyone!
Now I've got to find out how to communicate
this stuff to him. He gets so wounded and then angry.
Ugh! I'd love it if got a cubicle thing! Do they cost much?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

ohmaggiemae said:


> So many good ideas and advice! Thank you everyone!
> Now I've got to find out how to communicate
> this stuff to him. He gets so wounded and then angry.
> Ugh! I'd love it if got a cubicle thing! *Do they cost much?*


The cost depends on where you live. Do a google search on "rent office cubical space" and your city. See what comes up.


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## ohmaggiemae

sinnister said:


> It's sort of funny but I feel bad for you too. I used to be like that with my wife at the beginning when we were on better footing. I just loved her so damn much and being with her, even just shooting the sht and talking was fun. But now that Im a little older I realize that was crazy. A woman needs time to just breathe. Especially in her own home.


So since you've been there and on the other side of it - if I was your wife, how could I communicate these feelings to you effectively without hurting you? I just want my husband to leave me alone during the day when I'm busy around the house, with the kids, etc. without this attitude that he's had in the past like, "Oh that's right, I can't talk to you right now." Pouting, guilt trip.


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## ohmaggiemae

norajane said:


> Yes, that's exactly his problem. He gets bored working alone all the time and has no one else to talk with when he needs a break. If he were in an office, if he needed a break, he'd
> go get some coffee, run into someone and have a chat and then go back to work. Or he'd grab some lunch with a few people from the office.
> 
> You are filling in for the missing coworkers and the social interaction.
> 
> Could you maybe work out a scheduled break session for him, so that you can at least confine his roaming to specific times you can plan for? Like, maybe schedule a 30 minute lunch with him each day, and during that time, focus on him. Maybe even throw in a 15 minute coffee break with him mid-morning or afternoon. But then tell him you expect him to leave you alone the rest of the time so that you can focus on YOUR work.


You soooo get me! It IS the boredom thing! Plus, I think he's just kind of needy. I make the majority of the decisions and plans for our family. He is not exactly the leader in this family, which is another reason he just follows me around a lot of time. I resent that. I wish he was more independent. I would love to work out a schedule with him, breaks, lunch time, etc. I would love to just simply be able to talk to him about this stuff, but like I said, we did talk about it in counseling and then I got this attitude like, "Oh that's right, I can't talk to you right now. I'm supposed to leave you alone." I'll admit, too, that I'm feeling so resentful that I don't think I'm capable of communicating kindly right now. I'm thinking that going away for a day or two is a good idea. Even that is going to be hard to tell him. Guilt, guilt, guilt.


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## costa200

ohmaggiemae said:


> He golfs once in awhile, otherwise no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is he fit? Staying around the house all that time and all? Tell him he is getting chubby and he needs to do some exercise. Buy him a bike and tell him to cycle up and down the state with it.


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## ohmaggiemae

costa200 said:


> Is he fit? Staying around the house all that time and all? Tell him he is getting chubby and he needs to do some exercise. Buy him a bike and tell him to cycle up and down the state with it.


"Up and down the state..." OMG, that is funny! Thanks for the much needed laugh! :lol:


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## ohmaggiemae

PinkBeret said:


> I don't think there is an easier way other than the honest truth..but talk to him from a loving place and not a resentful place.
> 
> Respect and love while you express your feelings to T him..I find that always works .
> 
> Worse comes to worst, write him a letter!


Funny you should say that as I am reading the book, "Love and Respect" by 
Emerson Eggerich. Unconditional respect just like unconditional love. I like the letter idea, too. Thank you for the tips.


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## costa200

ohmaggiemae said:


> "Up and down the state..." OMG, that is funny! Thanks for the much needed laugh! :lol:


He is a couch potato then? No time consuming sports? No fishing/hunting/camping with buddies?


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## 2horse

I have the same situation...my husband was a truck driver and the a commercial pilot. He was gone anywhere from 4 days to two weeks at a time. Things worked great. Two years ago he got a great salaried job as a corporate pilot. He is almost semi-retired. Most weeks he is gone only a couple of days, but lately he's been home all week. He is very controlling. Wants me doing whatever he is doing or at least in the same room with him. A few years ago I would have just gone out to the barn and ridden my horses. The past couple of years my health has declined. I am fatigued, feel bad, and just want to be left alone. Sometimes I feel like he is sucking the life out of me. I love him and always considered him my best friend, but He is going to be the death of me!


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## Fernrain

Shocker said:


> Yeah, you are probably right.


I hope things have improved!


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## Fernrain

Everyone who said they were in this situation, I hope you will update us! What did you do? How are things now? Thanks!


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