# When reconciliation fails - staying together for the kids



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Is anyone here in the position of having tried reconciliation but, although it has improved things to the point where you can co-exist on friendly terms, one or both of you just can't get over whatever obstacle(s) exists to reviving the marriage, yet you still decide to stay together as a couple for the sake of the kids? Can that really work? How has it worked for you (or if it didn't work why not)?


----------



## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Yes, I have 5 more years until our kid turns 18. We co-exist as friends and have a good relationship, but I got to the point that I could no longer deal with his infidelities. Married for 17 years at this point. 
I felt so betrayed and hurt so many times... now it doesn't bother me much. I am not in love with my husband anymore but I love him as a friend and the father of my child. Now, I have to admit that the only reason I can deal with this situation is that I found someone else to love. But, I am staying with my husband because that is what he wants, and it is better for our child. So far it works well (2 years). Good luck to you.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Well it has worked for me. Most here would say I should have left. I couldn't trust that my wife would not expose my kids to partners that I found detrimental to them. It's good now but although I have lots of sex, it's passionless. I don't think of the PAs unless I run into the OM.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

MrBrains said:


> Well it has worked for me. Most here would say I should have left. I couldn't trust that my wife would not expose my kids to partners that I found detrimental to them. It's good now but *although I have lots of sex, it's passionless*. I don't think of the PAs unless I run into the OM.



Doesn't passionless sex become boring after a while? What does your mind think about while going through the motion? Does it float away to space somewhere? Or, do you concentrate on yourself and use your own imagination?

How do you prevent passionless sex from becoming routine, jaded and soulless?


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's not something I would want to do. I would fear that my child/children would think that is what marriage looks like.


----------



## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

I can't do it .... I can't play a part in a charade where love and trust is gone ... Finito.

I told STBXH during DD1's crisis meeting that if I were to take the road of R, it will not be because of my child. Conversely, if I were to show him the door, i think it will be a moment when I need to consider the emotional well being of my child more than anything elsr. Does this make sense ???

Perhaps my philosophy in this regard is much influenced by the fact that I am a product of a marriage which was precariously held together "for the sake of the children". I see my father being a very resentful man to this day and my mother being put on happy pills in her twilight years after years of emotional abuse and unrequited love. Each child is different. I poured myself into books to shut off the bad vibes reverberating through the four walls of our home. My brother was the sensitive child. Did the presence of a father figure in a sham marriage help him ? In this case, the answer is a resounding NO. He remains very much an introvert, never got into any kind of trouble but in his 30's now, I can tell that he is still a very 'troubled child'.

To the posters above who are pulling it off successfully, I wish them well and I wish they will find true happiness in the very near future. It helps, I think, that they still have mutual respect for their still-spouse. In my situation now, the magnitude of the betrayal and deviousness of STBXH makes it impossible for me to search deep inside of me for an iota of love and respect left for him.

For my child, for myself ... We need to move forward as a twosome.


----------



## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

My brother is in a marriage where they don't have sex, he works his @$$ off all week and his wife doesn't work. He's been telling her for years that once their youngest turns 18 (in four years) that he's gone. I just look at him and her as being stupid. She's stupid for staying with him even though he keeps on telling her he's gonna leave (If he doesn't oh well, but if he does I bet you she acts shocked and questions why he's leaving) and if he's so unhappy then he should just go and not drag it out.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

borninapril said:


> My brother is in a marriage where they don't have sex, he works his @$$ off all week and his wife doesn't work. He's been telling her for years that once their youngest turns 18 (in four years) that he's gone. I just look at him and her as being stupid. She's stupid for staying with him even though he keeps on telling her he's gonna leave (If he doesn't oh well, but if he does I bet you she acts shocked and questions why he's leaving) and if he's so unhappy then he should just go and not drag it out.



She staying for the alimony. The longer she stays, the larger the amount.


----------



## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

aug said:


> She staying for the alimony. The longer she stays, the larger the amount.


But on the other hand, she will lose out on child support upon the kid(s) reaching 18.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

TCSRedhead said:


> It's not something I would want to do. I would fear that my child/children would think that is what marriage looks like.


My therapist told me that apart from very unusual circumstances, staying for the kids is the wrong thing to do. Kids can pick up when a marriage is in trouble and may assume that's what marriages are supposed to be like.

They see their parents unhappy, possibly self-medicating their unhappiness or even engaging in affairs.


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Thank you all for your responses. The more I think about it, the more I suspect that I've already been in this situation for the last 4 years, I just didn't realize it. I've been working away at R but she may have decided early on that she just could never look past what I did. I don't fault her at all for that. I think it's only just dawning on me because, like you Red2, she's found someone else to love. She kept up an amazing facade for the last few years - which I think is a huge testament to her courage and dedication to our children - but now that her heart is elsewhere that facade has crumbled.

We have 5 more years before our youngest finishes high school. By then we will be in our early 50s. I have no idea what will happen then. I'm still deeply in love with her and I have no desire to go out and find someone else. This may sound stupid, but, having betrayed her once, I could never do that a second time, even if we were divorced.


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Red2 said:


> I am not in love with my husband anymore but I love him as a friend and the father of my child. Now, I have to admit that the only reason I can deal with this situation is that I found someone else to love. But, I am staying with my husband because that is what he wants, and it is better for our child. So far it works well (2 years). Good luck to you.


Sounds very familiar Red, do you mind if I ask how you are handling this new love? What's your husband's reaction? What could he do differently to make that situation better for you? Have you two come to any sort of arrangement or rules or anything?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My H and I separated for 3 months last year and my children were devastated. Esp my daughter. We a in R now but I that fails I would consider us living together until my daughter is older to ease the trauma for her. I never ever thought I would do that, but I wouldn't want my daughter going through such a trauma again while she is young.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So you cheated on your wife 4 years ago and recently she has found someone else that she fell in love with? So has she cheated on you recently?


I mention this with more details in other threads but she believes she is in love with this other guy. It's not reciprocated at this point but, if it were to become mutual, she'd take it as far as it would go. I have no doubt that another guy may come along at some point and it will be mutual and she will go there. 

As the betrayer here, I don't see that as cheating (and neither does she). She stayed with me, she tried to get over what I did, she can't, she's moved on: that's not her fault, what she's doing now isn't cheating, it's just one more consequence of the horrible choice I made 4 years ago. I need to suck it up and deal with it, just hoping for some advice on how to do that.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ScrewedEverything said:


> I mention this with more details in other threads but she believes she is in love with this other guy. It's not reciprocated at this point but, if it were to become mutual, she'd take it as far as it would go. I have no doubt that another guy may come along at some point and it will be mutual and she will go there.
> 
> As the betrayer here, I don't see that as cheating (and neither does she). She stayed with me, she tried to get over what I did, she can't, she's moved on: that's not her fault, what she's doing now isn't cheating, it's just one more consequence of the horrible choice I made 4 years ago. I need to suck it up and deal with it, just hoping for some advice on how to do that.


I understand. I get it.
You are wrong tough. She's cheating. She's persuing another man. She just didn't fall in love without crossing marital boundaries, in acts and thoughs.

She's not any kid of special cheater. Please come to grips with it. And start thinking as what you are now, a betrayed man, read more threads here, read the usual advice, it's the same, always, follow the right steps. Pretend for a while you didn't cheat years ago. She will behave as the run of the mill cheater, there're only a few scripts.

Tough love, boundaries, reality, consequences, conditions. Snooping, lawyer, 180, cold headed decisions.

Do you love her? Then fight for her, give your marriage a last shot by being strong once again, risking all. Make her choose, NOW.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Resigning yourself to a loveless marriage, sitting back and watching your wife cheat and doing nothing, all for your kids?? On the surface that may appear selfless, but in fact it is VERY selfish. It's maintaining the status quo because you don't want to have to deal with the consequences of making the tough decision.

Saying that splitting up would devastate your kids isn't giving your kids much credit either. Sure, they won't be HAPPY about it. Many do have behavioural problems etc. But totally devastate them? That would be a very rare case. Kids don't like change. Moving can 'devastate' some kids too. But when the change is necessary, you do what you have to do and make sure the kids know why it happened, and you carry on. You make the split as amicable as possible, and the kids learn over time that it was in fact for the best.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I just remembered your other thread, and I gotta say, you need some serious counseling to deal with the guilt you're carrying around. OK, so you f'ed up royally. But, as I have said before to you, allowing yourself to be treated this way is doing NOTHING except demonstrating to your wife that she can keep extracting her pounds of flesh until there's nothing left. And it's showing your kids that daddy allows this to happen. If you have boys, they'll allow their wives to do the same, and if you have girls they will DO the same.


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I understand. I get it.
> You are wrong tough. She's cheating. She's persuing another man. She just didn't fall in love without crossing marital boundaries, in acts and thoughs.
> 
> She's not any kid of special cheater. Please come to grips with it. And start thinking as what you are now, a betrayed man, read more threads here, read the usual advice, it's the same, always, follow the right steps. Pretend for a while you didn't cheat years ago. She will behave as the run of the mill cheater, there're only a few scripts.
> ...



:iagree:

If you are deeply in love with your wife then you do exactly what Acabado is advising above. At this point, what do you have to lose if you don't? 

I genuinely believed that my husband did not love me. I genuinely believed that I had fallen out of love with him. I reached a point where I felt nothing more than an empty sadness that our marriage had died a slow and torturous death. 

But, I'm telling you that without so much as even a spark of hope less than a year ago, that there was anything left to save, we have picked up the pieces of our shattered marriage, sifted through the wreckage, recovered anything that was salvageable, that was once precious, and have begun the long process of rebuilding. 

I think that our children and our financial situation were motivating factors in the beginning..... But, it really is amazing how all of those areas in our life have slowly began to improve as he and I have put the function into our once dysfunctional marriage.

Again, what do you have to lose? If your wife's OM isn't returning her "love," it is just an empty shell of a relationship, anyway. She is trying to fill a void inside. You can fill that void. By not fighting for her, you may be reinforcing, in fact I'm certain of it, the feelings of hurt and rejection she felt when she discovered your infidelity a few years ago. 

Your first mistake was being unfaithful. Your second mistake is not doing everything in your power to prevent her from being unfaithful...... IF you want to save your marriage. You're deeply in love, right......... GET BUSY!!! It's time to go cave man on her and put a stop to her affair. In the end, you can't really stop her from moving on to another relationship (and she is cheating) but you sure don't have to let her be your wife while she does.


----------



## Quiet girl (Jan 31, 2013)

Its so hard, my children know what my husband did. I guess I made a mistake buy telling them. He had a EA last yr for 3mos with a ex gf of 28yrs ago. I have pages of their conversations (FB). I found it through his email. I told the whole world. He is ashamed and avoids his side of the family. He has 4 brothers, all happy families, hard working. My children are 17 and 12. Looks as though it doesn't bother them, but my daughter does suffer from anxiety and we all know that their Dad has anger and moody issues. When I bring up the issue, which he avoids, he gets mad and always say "for the kids, think the kids, I love u and will die with u, we will grow old together" we both work full time, and this started when he took a job 2 hours away and rents a room with his brother. Something in my gut told me something bad was going to happen between us. He has 3 day weekends with us. But I have proof that he told this other woman that if it wasn't for the kids, he would of divorced and left me along time ago. So heartbreaking, i confront him and he is so ashamed, he tells me "u are killing me everytime u tell me these things, your going to force me to do it again" and i hate when he tells me this. He has mentioned it 3 times. I could nvr talk about it. He said he lied to her. Yes, we are still together and I pretend it nvr happened, he is ok and much more affectionate, kisses me, and tells me he loves me everyday. He cooks, cleans, cleans my car, pays the bills, does the yard, wants to go to church now, etc, he is more loving to me now. I can't forget though. it hurts. I have read everything over 100 times and still waiting for the day to confront him about it. OW lives in Dubai, but they went to school together in the Philipines. his 1st girlfriend. He even sent her money and told her daughter he loved her mom. Wow. Im still in shock. Why would he not tell me he is not happy. Why? All these yrs. He told he even though we fight alot, he loves me more than God. I feel that he does, but it just hurts so much. I've never been hurt so much in all my life. I suffer every day and i refuse counsiling for myself. I didn't do anything wrong. Been there for my family all these year and he has always given me verbal abuse. Anyway, I changed my attitude also and we are not fighting anymore. I having alot of hate now for what he did and I keep everything inside. I don't want the love I have for him drain out of me. I still love him, but I can't explain why I am starting to have hate. Im afraid he will do it again. Anyway we are both still together because of the kids, but I try to show my kids that I am happy. They can always tell that Im sad again, so I try to hide it. I don't know if I am harming my kids, by staying. idk. But Jesus told us to forgive. I will only forgive once. My husband knows, 1 more time, its a promise out the door. Divorce.


----------

