# Please help me kill my libidio so i can save my marriage



## SuperWebman (Jul 9, 2015)

I love my wife more than anything in the world, but we are missing that one thing that is important in a relationship and thats intimacy. Honestly we have sex maybe once or twice every 2 months or so, and i understand there are others that have even less than that. But, we have been married 8 years as of 2 days ago and it has never changed. She is on antidepresants so i know that is not a great helper and i have talked to her about changing them, but she is always upset about me even mentioning it. And anytime i seem upset about our lack of intimacy she gets angry and then says how much of a horrible wife she is. I honestly have no i idea what to do. Counseling is out of the question because we would be back to her hating herself and referring to the horrible wife attitude. I cook, i clean, and help her around the house and with kids. My only solution is maybe if I dont want it anymore then we both can live in a non sexual relationship and be happy i guess. So if anyone has any ideas for me to accomplish killing my libidio that would be great, because masterbating etc is just not working anymore. I want to be with my wife.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

The problem isn't your libido. It's your wife.

Get yourself another wife.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The problem with your marriage isn't your libido.

Once every two months is technically a sexless marriage.

That's the problem. Your wife needs to understand and admit that, and yes you both need counselling.

With love and support from your end of course.


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## SuperWebman (Jul 9, 2015)

I understand, but i dont think she will go to counseling. In a way in her eyes she doesnt think she is doing anything wrong, because she doesnt even think about sex. Its just not part of who she is i guess


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

You could ask her for a Hall Pass without an expiration date.


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## SuperWebman (Jul 9, 2015)

Lol some how i dont thonk that would go over well. We are geeat friends and occasionally hold hand and such. But i think my solution is to just kill my libidio. I heard something like mint tea or gum works?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Therapy or divorce. Give her the option.

In the meantime, make the conscious decision to stop having sex with her. Once every two months is only hurting you. Making the decision to stop will at least give you your dignity back.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Here's what you're probably not getting. There may be some pill you can take or tea you can drink to kill your libido. But nothing is going to kill the resentment you'll carry around with you every day after that.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Make sure she still loves you. I found out after about 10 years of marriage that my wife's low drive had nothing to do with a low libido.


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## SuperWebman (Jul 9, 2015)

That is true Fozzy. Sucks, but true


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

SuperWebman said:


> Lol some how i dont thonk that would go over well. We are geeat friends and occasionally hold hand and such. But i think my solution is to just kill my libidio. I heard something like mint tea or gum works?


Thinking of my grandma naked works for me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SuperWebman said:


> I understand, but i dont think she will go to counseling. In a way in her eyes she doesnt think she is doing anything wrong, because she doesnt even think about sex. Its just not part of who she is i guess


Does she love you?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your sex drive is not the problem. You need to up your hotness to attract her but something tells me someone else is getting her affections. You need to be sure. Having sex less than once a month. Get the F out of here. Those are abandonment numbers.

You have 2 task. 
Get hotter (gym, clothes, hairstyle, ETC)
Go 007. (Phone records, VAR Velcro under passenger seat. access to PW for phone, email, and social media.)


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## SuperWebman (Jul 9, 2015)

Im on pretty good shape, but i guess i could get hotter. See if maybe she will jealous or something. Idk


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As others said, this is your wife's problem, but only because she won't do something about it.

That's where you need to start. I'd threaten her with divorce (but only if you truly will pull the trigger) but NOT because she won't have sex but because she refuses to try to make herself better (different drugs, counseling).

Your idea of killing your libido is fine, but this is what will happen. You will do the things suggested (hobbies, get in shape, masturbate more) but eventually you will realize that you resent having a wife that COULD be your sexual partner yet refuses to do anything about it. I'd bet you'll get 3-4 months down the road before it hits you and then you are right back where you started.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

There is another way to kill libido and that is to go a long fast or extreme caloric restriction. Eventually, the only breasts you'll be lusting over will not be of a lovely young lady's bosom but of a hen's on two slices of bread.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't know which anti-depressants are more likely to kill your libido (and maybe it's a lot of trial and error to find out) but I know from experience that if you tend toward low drive to begin with then anti-depressants can completely kill your drive. People who take them feel so much better that they don't see a problem in losing their drive (especially when it wasn't that high before). But their spouse does. 

If you can't get her to try a different brand or see if the dose can be lowered then you need to have a really serious talk with her about what this means to you. Failing that, I suppose you could kill your libido but what will you do about the resentment that follows along with such a drastic step.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

She doesn't see this as an issue so you have to help her see it. I would stop doing what you are doing for the marriage until she is willing to have a frank discussion about what you both need. You can't address a problem in a marriage by just not talking about it. That is only going to grow your resentment


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I would suggest that you read *No More Mr Nice Guy* by Dr Robert Glover PhD instead of trying a band aid approach that doesn't get to the root of the problem.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I have heard that Wellbutrin, and that class of anti-depressants that are not SSRIs, have "fewer sexual side effects" than Zoloft and other SSRIs.

I took Zoloft and then Lexapro for severe post-partum depression for a few years. They killed my libido. I did still have sex with my STBX, but not at the frequency he would have liked - about once or twice a month. And honestly, I could have done with less than that. I also gained 30 pounds on the Lexapro, which didn't make me technically overweight, but made me kind of matronly. And which didn't help me feel very sexy. Rather than talk about all this, he swept it under the rug and started resenting me, instead. I actually suggested counseling and/or a drug switch, and he said we didn't need to bother doing any of that because everything was fine. Now, fast forward a few years, and we're getting divorced because he wants to be with the OW he started having an affair with last year.

You have let your wife know you are unhappy with the way things are and have been willing to do counseling. I wish my STBX had done that. While I understand you don't want to give her an ultimatum, that's still better than the alternative - you continuing to be unhappy, she refusing to make an effort, you resenting her for that. And then, if you're the type of person who's capable of it, you having an affair. Please realize that the alternative is much worse for everyone involved than an ultimatum and then leaving honorably and being alone for awhile, if it comes to that.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Questions: How old are the kids? Does your wife work outside the home?

From my experience, when the kids were younger, I was just a mummy. I had no desire to be a lover. So, if the kids are younger have a bit of patience. It takes time and effort to switch the sexy back on. My husband used to have to seduce me quite abit. Just be more romatic, gives lots of hugs and kisses but with no expectation that something is going to happen. You have to start creating intimacy. 

Next, she needs to get her meds check. Let her know this is affecting your marriage and this is something she must do. Dont take no for an answer.

You seems to be doing alot around the house to help. Help but dont do everything. Your wife needs to know she is needed in her home.

Lastly, you have to be aware that you are being manipulated by your wife. The whole " I am a bad wife " routine is just to get you to drop the sex issue. That's what we women do, I do it to my husband. When I do it, he looks at me and shakes his head with a smile and let me get my way. But not all the time and not with important things. 

Sex is a great part of any marriage. You need it to create and strenghten your bonds. This is how marriages grow and become stronger. I didnt understand this when I was younger. Until my husband explained to me how close he feels to me during those times. It's when he is connected and knows he is loved and wanted. Explain this to her. Do not take the bad wife crap and sit on it. You are going to end up hating her and withdraw. Keeping your marriage together is both of your jobs.

Get serious with this women. Do you want to spend the next 10 years like this?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SuperWebman said:


> Lol some how i dont thonk that would go over well. We are geeat friends and occasionally hold hand and such. But i think my solution is to just kill my libidio. I heard something like mint tea or gum works?


You are sitting on a time bomb.

Adding a longer fuse to it doesn't mean that it won't eventually explode right underneath your ass.

You have to, you know, actually disarm it, or stop sitting on it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think this is just another common bull**** story a wife gives her husband to get out of having sex, it's the ole "I'm depressed" routine. True there is alot to clinical depression but most of the women who tell their husbands they are depressed are NOT clinically depressed. It's more of an excuse.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Below is a copy paste from a reply to another post with a similar struggle. Sorry for being lazy, but my words would be the same...albeit your wife has an additional obstacle with her depression...but she really needs to talk with someone to help her see beyond herself...




I am surprised how difficult is for some women to understand the impact sex (or lack thereof) has on an intimate relationship like marriage.

OP- your question was, "am I wrong?"

Absolutely not!!! You have a legitimate need to want to have sex, and sex more often, with your wife. You also have a legitimate need to want you wife to be enthusiastic in loving you this way.

It's no different than a woman wanting regular affection (ILY's, hugs, kind words, compliments) initiated by her husband...It's a love language.

I wish your wife was open to counseling....someone to help give perspective...

Sex isn't a means of meeting one's need for pleasure as much as it's a way to let your significant other know that you love and care for (and lust/want/need ) them.

It's within this level of intimacy that we (the husband or wife) are set apart from any other relationship we may have.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SuperWebman said:


> Lol some how i dont thonk that would go over well. We are geeat friends and occasionally hold hand and such. But i think my solution is to just kill my libidio. I heard something like mint tea or gum works?


Well, you can be great friends and hold hands with just about anyone. Your W is to be more than that. That is what a marriage is. 

Your two are nothing more than roommates. You either accept the situation, or allow your W to correct her problem or D.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

SuperWebman said:


> Lol some how i dont thonk that would go over well. We are geeat friends and occasionally hold hand and such. But i think my solution is to just kill my libidio. I heard something like mint tea or gum works?


Aw man, don't do that; that's no way to live. Like Fozzy said, if you change yourself by "killing" your Libido, you are going to create some serious resentment. She's the one with the problem, not you. I'm sorry you are in this situation.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Tell her if she ever wants to see you in The Mall again she'd better hit the sack.

Really, The Mall is a much bigger sacrifice that lasts 50 times as long.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

SuperWebman said:


> Lol some how i dont thonk that would go over well. We are geeat friends and occasionally hold hand and such. But i think my solution is to just kill my libidio. I heard something like mint tea or gum works?


It won't work. I know - not that I long for sex, but I do long for communication and connection. He does not and never will. I have learned to live without any communication besides logistics and the occasional joke, but it is soul crushing.

You need what you need. She can't fulfill that. Time to let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> Thinking of my grandma naked works for me.


Thinking of your grandma works for me too.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If someone is on antidepressants it isn't "just an excuse."

This needs work, and she needs to actively own that. But pot shots like women who are depressed using it as an excuse is why people don't seek help.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> Lastly, you have to be aware that you are being manipulated by your wife. The whole " I am a bad wife " routine is just to get you to drop the sex issue. That's what we women do, I do it to my husband. When I do it, he looks at me and shakes his head with a smile and let me get my way. But not all the time and not with important things.


This. Well except for the fact that I don't think it's gender based. I know plenty of men who use that stunt. 

But yeah, it's manipulation. Don't buy into that. 

Okay back to reading.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> If someone is on antidepressants it isn't "just an excuse."
> 
> This needs work, and she needs to actively own that. But pot shots like women who are depressed using it as an excuse is why people don't seek help.


i know what its like to have my libido killed by medication. i still think its a cop out when someone uses depression and medication as an excuse for not meeting their partners needs. its like saying "im not hungry, and your not allowed to eat because im not hungry".

i mean, if i can do whatever it takes to meet my wifes needs while i am taking a gram of lithium and a gram of verapamil a day, my wife can put in a little effort to meet my needs despite her antidepressants. i get what if feels like to not want it. i get what it feels like to not be able to perform. but when it comes down to it, denying your partner because you dont feel frisky is the same as saying "im not going to meet your needs because i dont feel like it".
blaming the medications for that choice is a cop out. 


fortunately for us, there were alternative treatments. but they are useless if you dont look for them.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> i know what its like to have my libido killed by medication. i still think its a cop out when someone uses depression and medication as an excuse for not meeting their partners needs. its like saying "im not hungry, and your not allowed to eat because im not hungry".
> 
> i mean, if i can do whatever it takes to meet my wifes needs while i am taking a gram of lithium and a gram of verapamil a day, my wife can put in a little effort to meet my needs despite her antidepressants. i get what if feels like to not want it. i get what it feels like to not be able to perform. but when it comes down to it, denying your partner because you dont feel frisky is the same as saying "im not going to meet your needs because i dont feel like it".
> blaming the medications for that choice is a cop out.
> ...


A'D-- Starstarfish does acknowledge that OP's wife actively needs to own her side of things. She's taking to task the attitude that people don't believe that meds can really be a cause for libido changes and that it's a smokescreen.
@Starstarfish--please correct me if I'm reading you wrong here.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> A'D-- Starstarfish does acknowledge that OP's wife actively needs to own her side of things. She's taking to task the attitude that people don't believe that meds can really be a cause for libido changes and that it's a smokescreen.
> 
> @Starstarfish--please correct me if I'm reading you wrong here.


yeah, i guess your right. 

i guess my beef is with the idea that someone has to be in the mood in order to do right by their spouse. which, i acknowledge, was not directly stated here.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> You could ask her for a Hall Pass without an expiration date.


Let's keep this to the scary mommy thread, please...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, how long are you willing to watch your wife comfortably watch you in discomfort?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is no reason you can't be great friends, love each other as such, but do it as divorced people and dating or marrying others. You don't have a good marriage, but you can have a great divorce.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If she loves you as you think she does, then she would be willing to go to counseling. If she isn't willing to make even that small effort, then I think she is using you.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

If she won't change her med, this could be a real problem. If that, indeed, is the REAL problem. If she won't talk to her doc about this, she doesn't care about how you feel or what needs she meets or not.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

farsidejunky said:


> OP, how long are you willing to watch your wife comfortably watch you in discomfort?


posts like these make me wish this site had a blink tag.

read this as many times as it takes to pay attention to it OP.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> A'D-- Starstarfish does acknowledge that OP's wife actively needs to own her side of things. She's taking to task the attitude that people don't believe that meds can really be a cause for libido changes and that it's a smokescreen.
> 
> @Starstarfish--please correct me if I'm reading you wrong here.


Yes, also the inference that depression is just something women make up to shirk marriage duties. That's a dangerous mindset that prevents people with legitimately mental and emotional issues from seeking help.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

Asking for a way to decrease your libido to deal with a no-sex wife is like asking a woman to get a rubber face to deal with a physically abusive husband.


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