# Fear of Sex



## Missytwo2 (Feb 18, 2012)

I just got married about 5 months ago. I always wanted to stay a virgin until I was married for personal reasons. I never really had a fear of sex before maybe because I always knew I would never let things get that far until marriage. Once our wedding date was fast approaching, I was faced with the fact that I was going to have to have sex and I was really nervous. I have the best/ most supportive husband ever who loves me no matter what. He himself has only had sex like twice in his life and that was years ago. I really wanted to have sex with my husband on our honeymoon, but I didn't want to push it if I was not ready. He agreed. He said he did not want to have sex just because, he wanted me to enjoy it as much as him and he was willing to wait and help me through any emotional issues I was facing. Well, our honeymoon has come and gone and we have been married for 5 months and still nothing. I want to, want to have sex but I have some kind of mental block that I don't understand. I totally understand that as his wife I have to take care of his needs and I want to, I just don't know how to shut off the anxiety I feel in those moments. One thing I noticed is when I drink, I turn into a animal that has been caged for years and all I am with him is sexual. I don't drink all that much but its like my true sexual feelings come out when I am drunk. Please help because I want to make my husband has happy as he had made me. Thanks


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Don't fall into the trap of needing alcohol to enjoy sex.

What you are describing is much more severe than just a virgin being nervous. We all know that losing one's virginity is a momentous and scary occasion for a woman.

Did you come from a strong religious background? Were you ever raped or sexually abused?

I would start with some therapy. 

Your fear of sex is robbing your marriage of something sacred, wonderful and necessary. This is not fair to you or your husband.


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## Missytwo2 (Feb 18, 2012)

I never had a strong religious background, and I was never sexually abused as a child. The decision to remain a virgin was always a personal choice because it was what I felt was right. I really wanted to save myself for that special person. Now that I have found him I can't seem to deliver, I feel ashamed. I have always looked forward to sex and can't understand where the block is coming from. I have some issues with anxiety which usually relate to social situations. I was thinking of seeking therapy but fund are a little tight right now. I am not planning on using alcohol to enjoy sex, I just find it odd that I can be myself when I am drunk. I think when I drink, I let go of the anxiety and I don't over think things, I am more in a free spirit state of mind which is what I want to be in all the time. I feel like maybe I am over thinking sex too much and making things more difficult that they need to be, but I don't know how to stop doing that. I just want to feel normal.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

The alcohol relaxes you. Makes complete sense. 

Is there any subsidized counseling where you are? How about a sliding scale?

If you do not have those options, here are some books that might help:

Amazon.com: How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques that Will Blow His Mind (9780767902878): Lou Paget: Books

Guide to Getting It On!: The Universe's Coolest and Most Informative Book about Sex for Adults of All Ages: Amazon.ca: Paul Joannides: Books

About Sexual Dysfunction | Sexual Aversion Disorder | Female Orgasmic Disorder | HealthyWomen


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Personally I think alcohol--in moderation-- is safer than most of the tranquilizers that would be prescribed to you by a psychiatrist or doctor. A couple glasses of wine on the weekend is ok. Just be very careful to keep it in moderation. You could use it as a tool to help you ease into sex.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Missytwo2;594262I am not planning on using alcohol to enjoy sex said:


> I don't think people are "themselves" when they drink, I think they take on another personality. I think you are who you are when you're not drinking, maybe when you drink you are who you HOPED to be, and that is a carefree woman who is sexual and wants to please her husband.
> 
> I will say its great you have a husband that seems patient, however I'm not sure how long he will remain that way. Has he been taking care of his needs other ways since you're not ready?
> 
> You do need therapy to help with this mental block. You stated funds were an issue. Do neither of you have insurance? Even if you do not, and you seek out a counselor that doesn't take certain insurance you can make payments however small usually.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Have you tried a bath and having him give you a massage before sex? You need to be relaxed and have a mindset that you are going to receive the pleasure that he will give you.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

When I think of a mental block, I think of repression of painful thoughts, or an inability to continue a train of thought. 

I do think it could be either way for you. Your anxiety may be in fact your mental block. It could be the more you think about it, the more anxiety it creates and then you just kinda freeze up. 

If you can't afford therapy right now, maybe look up ways to relax more. I wouldn't suggest carrying on with getting drunk though. I understand a glass of wine or two to help relax you but not getting drunk, then you will end up with a whole new set of issues.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife and I met when she was 25 and she was a virgin. She also wanted to save herself for that special person. I think she was just scared. I wasn't too far behind her though. So I never pushed it. We maried after 9 or so years of living together. Like you, She was always scared of sex. She never knew why. Now 19+ years later I've really pushed the sex to the point that I felt I was attacking her. We're talking many years of sexual neglect. Now, she is initiating sex and she enjoys it. I was so close to leaving because my needs were not being met. If there is no abuse, just try the force youself to have sex. Eventually, you may want to. Just don't wait so long.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I have so many questions


How old are you
Do you masturbate?
How old is your husband
What other sexual activity do you two do together?
Do you sleep in the same bed & in intimate positions?
Five months and nothing and are you discussing this seriously?

Sounds like hue anxieties and naivity about sex. 

Really sounds like both of you need to see a therapist.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Jamison said:


> When I think of a mental block, I think of repression of painful thoughts, or an inability to continue a train of thought.
> 
> I do think it could be either way for you. Your anxiety may be in fact your mental block. It could be the more you think about it, the more anxiety it creates and then you just kinda freeze up.
> 
> If you can't afford therapy right now, maybe look up ways to relax more. I wouldn't suggest carrying on with getting drunk though. *I understand a glass of wine or two to help relax you but not getting drunk, then you will end up with a whole new set of issues*.


:iagree: No man wants to have a partner that needs to be drunk to have sex with him. It makes them feel bad.

I was with a guy that I had to get stoned to be intimate with. He said it made him feel ugly and inadequate. When I stopped, it was intense but worth it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Missy ~

If funds are tight, then start to look for some online resources to help you. For instance, something like the following workbook that you and your husband can work through together to help you overcome your sexual anxiety may be beneficial:

Amazon.com: A Woman's Guide to Overcoming Sexual Fear and Pain (9781572240896): Aurelie Jones Goodwin, Marc E. Agronin: Books

I commend you for wanting to work on the issue. Being able to acknowledge that there's a problem and being willing to work at it are two of the biggest hurdles to cross - and you are doing that!  Maybe if you start to positively think about that and put calming, positive thoughts into your mind, it will also help.

Best wishes.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Anxiety issues can for sure make you paralyzed with fear sometimes. How are you in other situations other than sex? Are you ok in social settings? In other areas of your marriage? Or do you feel your anxiety level just rises when it comes to sex? Have you and your husband done other things sexually together just not intercourse? Or have you done nothing at all?


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## Missytwo2 (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you for all of your replies. I am 25 years old, I do masturbate, my husband is 23, we do sleep in the same bed in intimate positions and we do discuss this very seriously. I am telling all of you right now that my husband is different then most men. He is the most supportive person ever and never EVER gets angry about this. He has known me since I was a teenager so he understands the person I am, and I know he will not just up and leave because he is not getting sex. He is not like that at all. Even though I know he would not leave me, or cheat on me, I still want to fix this asap because I was us to grow sexually together. 

As far as what me and my husband have done before, we have everything else but sex. When we first started dating, we were always fooling around, and he would always get off and I never would. It started getting to a point were I was a little frustrated because when we did fool around, he would always get an orgasm, and I wouldn't. I tried to help him and tell him what I liked and what I didn't like and he tried so hard, but it never worked. So we just kind of stopped fooling around after that. That was like maybe a year ago. We have fooled around since then, but its very rare. 

When I think of fooling around now or having sex, maybe I am thinking of the past where things were almost awkward and uncomfortable when we were fooling around because I knew he was trying so hard, and still was not working, and I did not want to lie to him and did not want to hurt him, so maybe this is why I just avoided things all together. 

I have always hated the way some people act about sex. Like its like or death. I remember my sister told me once when I was a teenager that waiting to have sex was not smart because how would you know if a man was good in bed or not. I highly disagree with that. You marry someone for the love you have for THEM not for what they can do for you in the bedroom. I believe that the emotional relationship that you have with your partner is far more important. I understand that because I have never had sex, its hard for me to say how important it is or not, but I feel like my husband and I have a great open relationship. We talk about everything, there is nothing I don't tell him, he knows exactly how much I love him and all the anxiety I have. I know things are not there sexually yet, but I know they will be, I just need to move past this somehow and this will make our marriage stronger. 

Also, I do have mild social anxiety. I always am worrying about everyone elses needs. I stress myself out making sure I please this person and that person and I notice that in doing that, my needs take a back seat which causes me stress and sometimes feel a little depressed. 

I am going to make a list of all my fears for having sex so you guys can better understand.

1. The pain
2. Having to start going to the Gyno ( I know I should have already started going, but I just can't stand the thought of going. I know that I have to grow up at some point and face this because it is important, but I have always been really uncomfortable with the thought of this)
3. Having to fully expose myself. I gained some weight and I feeling a little insecure. I know my husband thinks I look damn good cause he says it all the time, but I don't feel it myself so this causes me to focus on my insecurities instead of what we are doing. 


I know that all these issues may seem stupid or immature, but im being totally honest. Without honesty, I would never be able to move past the issues I am having. The past 2 years of my life have been horrible in regards to my personal well being and self esteem. Part of me thinks that if I can get myself to a point where I am 100% confident like I used to be, then maybe some of these stupid little insecurities will go away and moving forward with sex will be more fun and less scary.

Any thoughts?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why don't you start slow and build up to it? Start by making out on the couch, or with a massage - either he gives you one or you can give him one. Get used to touching each other sexually again.

Maybe move up to giving him a handjob, or teach him how to give you an orgasm using his hand (like the way you masturbate). Let him explore you with his hand, including sliding his fingers inside you. Try oral sex. He can give you an orgasm that way, too, as you can give him.

Once you are comfortable with each other sexually like that, then there will likely be a time that you want to take it a bit further to penetration. Don't worry about pain. It will probably be a lot less painful than you think - think papercut, not stabbing. There may not be any pain at all. Lots of women have their hymens broken doing other things like bike riding or whatever. It's not like breaking through a wall. And it's not totally sealed, or you wouldn't have your period and would need surgery to open it up. Just use lots of extra lubrication when you try (they sell things like KY and Wet at the drugstore by the condoms and tampons).

I don't believe you need to wait until every other aspect of your life is in perfect order in order to try some kind of sexual exploration with each other. I think it's an excuse not to try anything. Maybe getting the sexual part of your life in order will help you get the other aspects of your life in order. A great sex life can give a person LOTS of confidence.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sinclair institute has some good instructional dvd's.
There are couples who are married on the dvd's and they don't talk just about sex. And they have normal bodies and normal kind of lives (aside from making the videos, and they talk about that in the beginning of the video).
Actually, it was watching these videos as a highly 'experienced' woman of middle-age that showed me that the sex I was having while it was technically okay, wasn't the kind of quality I wanted. I think probably with the mindset you have had, you are way ahead of the game, and will have no problem exploring things with your H once you get some ideas. 
The Sinclair dvd's were recommended to me by my social worker at the time. I guess in social work school they actually have a viewing of these things to learn about good married sex, she even said they serve popcorn and make it a fun afternoon of learning. 
LOL.
Anyway, I think you have a good part of the equation down already since you have trust and are in agreement on things. So you can relax and decide to have some fun. Maybe try doing some other things together that involve being out of your element, learning a foreign language, going on a roller coaster, making movies of each other (flirty movies, like in your day to day life, and then doing voice overs of what the 'actors' - you guys - are thinking...inner dialog kind of thing...you never know what you'll say when you're not saying it!!!!!), or even ballroom dancing - rumba, salsa are good dances for getting a better feel for nonverbal communication.

I hope it goes well for you. It's a natural thing, but you are right to have been in control of it, and I agree, maybe some counseling so you can learn to let go but still not be overcome by wondering what kind of genie you let out of the bottle.

Don't worry - when I got pregnant my biggest fear was that everyone would know I 'did it' because I would be showing. LOL. Now I am NOT doing it and my biggest fear is that people think that I am. There is always something to be afraid of, or for me, now, to laugh at. I've got used to knowing that most of my anxieties are not going to pan out, usually I just humor myself about them and then prove myself wrong but without making myself lose face. But I've had therapy to arrive at that point. The thing is not to lose your insecurities because really, they are very charming, but to become welcoming of them and to accommodate to them while still moving forward. Death is something that is not going to care if you are ready or not. So consider everything else good practice for moving forward regardless of how you feel, while still being aware of how you feel. Being scared of stuff is a lifestyle, but it can work for you if you can learn some basic maneuvers, you'll be able to be scared, do stuff, and still feel safe and in control.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Just do it. Really. Take it slow, but stop backing off. Sex is statistically highly enjoyable and has a reasonably low mortality rate. 

If you have trouble orgasming, I recommend THIS book, though it's now only available second-hand. Still the best one I've read on the subject.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

You need to find a way to take the pressure off. You will get into the same mental state that you do when you can't sleep and you keep looking at your watch, thinking that you only have THREE MORE HOURS TO SLEEP!

I would suggest that you decide not to have penetrative sex for a while. Take the pressure off. During that time you can indulge yourselves and try and find as many ways as you can to get each other off. Deal with the issues you have during that time, but maybe in non-sexual situations.

You have years of sex ahead of you, stop looking at the calendar and thinking 'one more month with no penetration!' Some people are unable to ever have penetrative sex and have satisfying sex lives.

Don't feel insecure about having put on a little weight. I LOVE it when my wife gets a little fuller figured. Many men do. Your husband probably does and you should let him enjoy your body without clouding the issue with worries that you don't look like some anorexic, heroine-chic model. Buxom women rock.

Good luck


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I hate going for my Paps. I find them uncomfortable and humiliating.

My doctor is a very understanding man and he is very gentle when he does my exam. 

Having said this, pap tests are a necessary evil. Once you start having sex they are a must to keep you healthy.

If your husband goes slowly your first time and you are relaxed as well as wet, all of these factors can help lessen the pain that you are so afraid of. You can always stop for a moment to have more foreplay or rest. When I lost my virginity, it took three tries just for my then boyfriend to get himself inside me.

I second the weight gain opinion. Both my husband and I have put on some since we moved in together. My husband loves my round bottom.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> I hate going for my Paps. I find them uncomfortable and humiliating.
> 
> My doctor is a very understanding man and he is very gentle when he does my exam.
> 
> ...



Or you could just find a female GYN. Much better in my opinion


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Nope. Female Gyns have been much rougher with me than the males.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Pardon my candor but if fear is keeping you from sex, it is keeping you from other enriching and exciting elements of life. Fear causes paralysis and limits us if we allow it to. My advice would be when you feel that tensing because of something new or uncertain, use it to trigger a bold sense of adventure and courage. I am not talking about the feeling you get when walking alone in the dark here. There is very little to lose but so much fulfillment to gain. I would start the discovery tonight, there is no reason to wait. I doesn't have to be epic out of the chute, but you might be missing it becoming epic over time if you don't cheat fear and jump in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have received a lot of good advice here. I agree with others that needing to get drunk to have sex is not good for a regular thing.

But I see nothing wrong with using it (not getting drunk but just a drink or two to relax) to get over this hump. If you like everything else related to sex then your will definately enjoy going all the way.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You don't have to take off all your clothes to have sex and you don't have to have the lights on. Even if you don't have sex, you need to get check ups. I know it's scary but your idea of how it's going to be is worse than reality. I used to work in a clinic that had an STD night and a well woman's clinic. I can't even tell you
how little the nurses cared about seeing people naked. All they care about is their job and making sure you're ok. They've seen do much genitalia it's like nothing to them. You'd here them talking about a patient trying to decide what to do and you'd think they were describing someone's ear or finger. It's just not sexual or judgmental or weird to them at all. You can take someone with you if you want to. They usually have something funny to look at on the ceiling and you are at least partially draped with a gown the whole time. It's not fun but neither is going to the dentist. 
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

Everyone is being nice and giving you good advise. You need to fix it fast. Let me tell you your husband is being nice but it time it will come back to haunt you. Not trying to be mean but sex does mean a lot more than what you are leading yourself to believe. Just do it, like diving into a pool the first time it is cold when you first enter it but you get use to it and love it.

Sex means a lot! It is the Glue that holds a relationship together. He will run in time if you do not fix it. Good LUck!


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

_"I don't think people are "themselves" when they drink, I think they take on another personality."_

I disagree.

I think alcohol does different things for different people.

OP, your own imagery is very telling.

You feel that it unleashes a caged *"animal" *part of yourself because *it does*...and you can sense that.

Sex is one of our most palpable connections to our own ancient, primal energy.

Animals are not self-conscious. They are not ashamed or plagued with self-doubt, or irrational self-imposed inhibition.

Alas, that is a special human curse...

In social situations do you self-monitor a lot? (i.e. are you overly conscious of how *other people* are *perceiving you* and the things your saying etc)...this can be the unfortunate consequence of being a good "people-reader"...and for anyone who struggles with it---it's brutally exhausting

(I find that the happiest, freest people are those who aren't trapped by this sort of over-thinking)

Alcohol can dull this self-inhibiting mental chatter... and release one from the *very real* "cage" of too much self-consciousness 

Of course, long-term that's no way to live...no way to love...and I'm glad you're not interested in this approach...

In my opinion the real solution is sort of conflicting and multi-faceted

The first part is to acknowledge (as you've already done)...that you have married a GOOD guy, a wonderful, supportive accepting man who is *worth *trusting, and *worth* loving unhindered and unabashedly 

and who is thus, *unworthy*, *undeserving* of this subconcious fear created-resistance...

concentrate on your love for *him *instead of your fear for *yourself*...(in our better moments we can allow these feelings for another to swell within us...and they bring their own perfect bravery)

Secondly, in keeping this line of thought, you also must accept the *"worst that can happen" *unconditionally...perhaps that would be accepting rejection, embarrassment...whatever it is you fear...allow it to be a possible outcome because this man and the full experience of your life-experience and journey itself are worthy of you accepting that risk 

Third, is to feel that initial and perhaps*over-whelming *fear and force yourself to the other side of it...the reality is even years with the best psychiatrist could never make this experience "un-scary"...whether you wait 5 months or 5 years it's all futile if your end-goal is to eliminate the fear completely...all you're doing it burning through the precious time you have to be on this small-planet....(and the funny thing is...if you ever are brave enough to "let-go"...you'll find that the ultimate conquering of this fear makes your *hard-earned* freedom and relief that much more worthwhile...contributes to your own singular life experience)

This is easier said than done of course...and it will not be easy period. 

Prayer can help....regardless of whether you're praying to a God or to your own higher-self...there is a part of you that knows better, wants better, and seeks freedom...prayer and reflection can make this part of you stronger

(Also, even though your case is different, I wouldn't be surprised if reading some of the rather poetic and pain-filled writings of rejected husbands would help spur you to make sure your own husband never comes to feel this way himself...there are several articles on Web but here's one such link: TO WIVES: Why Is Sex So Important? | Marriage Missions International)

TLDR: No amount of time spent waiting will make this easier...it will be scary, it will be risky, but you, your husband, and your life are worth you taking the jump and fighting through the fear.

Just do it. :smthumbup:

There's no other option. 

Realize that sooner rather and later. PLEASE!!!


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

OP isn't here anymore, zombie thread. Hopefully her husband finally man'd up.

How can a husband be THAT beta. I'd blame him for this entire ordeal. Like, "Hey baby, I will not make you feel uncomfortable on our honeymoon, so instead I will let you make me feel uncomfortable. Then I will also be okay with you leaving me sexless for the next 5 months as well." How about, "Hey baby, I want you to enjoy sex as much as I will, so I will go slow and easy. If that doesn't work, a few hours later we can go even slower and easier. If that doesn't work, tomorrow morning I will just stick my head in and we can kiss. Then that night I will go slow and easy again to make you get used to it. Don't worry baby, I want us both to enjoy it." 

What type of man does this?

You better psych yourself up prior to saying your vows, almost like you are going to skydive straight into the bedroom from the altar.....1....2....3....... okay, close your eyes and and LET'S GO!


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