# Husband not sure about being married



## LookingForTheAnswer (Dec 21, 2011)

Hey everyone! (Desperate) newbie here. 

I am currently having serious relationship issues with my husband and was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience (and how it turned out in the end) or if anyone can give some advice. To be honest, a little bit of sympathy and understanding would also do me the world of good at this point. 

OK, so here is the issue. Me and my husband have been together for a bit over 3 years and got married in May this year. We have had our ups and down over the past few years, most notably we moved to a foreign country for his sake. I had a very hard time dealing with that as I was terribly homesick and I even suffered from depression for a while, but somehow I managed to pick myself up and start building a life in the new country. I just had to accept it was a basic decision between him or my old country and I would choose him anytime. 

Other than these little hitches, I believe we have a wonderful relationship, we are very open, we communicate easily, we are friends as well as lovers and we are very supportive of each other. All in all, I thought we were meant to be. But for the past few weeks/ months a change has come over my husband (by the way, I want to mention at this point that he is 27, just in case someone thinks this is a classic case of midlife crisis). Most of that time was very unsure for me. At home, he was still the same loving, supportive husband, but he started going out more and more with his work friends, coming home late very drunk and often we would argue. He would say he did not want to be married anymore, that he was too young to commit and he made a mistake. And that he wants a divorce! He would also keep telling me it was getting harder to resist other women and he found it difficult to console himself with the fact that it was just going to be me for the rest of his life. Not that I am not (at least semi-) attractive or that we do not have a good sex life. He just all of a sudden feels the almost incontrolable desire to experience what other women feel like or to not always have sex with the same person, if that makes sense.

Now, if you know my husband, you'd know this behaviour is the complete opposite of what he used to be. In fact, one of the reasons I am so stunned about all of this is that I thought this would be the last problem we would face as a couple. He has always been someone with a relatively medium sex drive, not walking around like a dog on heat or following his you-know-what around, even before he met me. Of course, he has had one night stands and casual sex prior to our relationship, but not to the extreem as some men do. Going out drinking is the same thing. The time we have known each other, he only used to go out drinking sporadically, he always seemed content to come home to me and spend time together. I'm so confused as, despite what I said about his age before, it does have all the hallmarks of a midlife crisis!

So the past couple of days he has finally worked up the courage to be completely honest with me. Before I only got dribs and drabs when he was drunk and then the next day he would apologize and profess his love for me and assure me that he has chosen me and our marriage. Only to come home after the next night out and tell me that the past week where he was behaving himself and where everything seemed to return back to normal, was only a pretence and he is living a lie and wants to get out of the marriage. You can see how I was in turmoil!

Anyway, a few days ago he was finally honest with me when sober and we talked for hours. After that, initially he said he felt better just for sharing it with me and that (especially the attraction to other women part) was what led him to want to separate as he did not see a way he could ever tell me. Now I probably have to say my husband is a very moral individual, but he also has some mental health problems. His dad is bipolar and he has been exhibiting early signs of the disease. However, he does not seem to be under the influence of the condition now, so I don't want to cop out and just blame everything on the BP. However, because of his mental health, OCD and paranoia, just thinking about other women or looking at them (which I think is what every normal guy does, married or not, and I don't have a problem with that at all) already gives him a huge sense of guilt, as though he has cheated on me, when he hasn't physically done anything. So I have been talking to him, reassuring him that I think those things are perfectly natural, but at the same time stressing that cheating (and that includes prostitutes) were absolutely unacceptable for me and would mean the end of the relationship.

But things are still not ok. One day he says he loves me and has made his choice and wants to work on our marriage. The next day he will tell me that we are still not ok and that he cannot make a decision. He says he does love me very much, but when he thinks about being single or being married to me he doesn't instantly and instinctively decide that our marriage is more important to him. In actual fact, most of the time he still thinks he simply does not want to be married at this stage of his life. Complete indecisiveness!

I have been trying to give him space, let him go out more, go see his friends whenever he wants. And instead of us both going to visit my parents over the holiday period, I will go by myself for a week so he can stay on his own and get his head straight. I hope that after this week he will either realize he has missed me so much nothing is worth living without me...or he could of course decide that the single life is preferable and that despite the fact that he loves me, we are better of separating for both our sakes. I'm not trying to defend him here without reason. I genuinely know this is killing him and a lot of times he is just screaming 'divorce!' because he wants to save me the hurt and grief this is causing me. 

I have been doing so much research about the possible causes of all of this and I guess there are two possible answers:

1) This is just a phase where he is catching up on what he never really did before, he is getting post-marriage cold feet and just needs some time and space to be 'single' a little to realize that it is me and our marriage he wants. Could possibly also be influenced by his BP, apparently this is common with mental health issues

2) He does not love me enough to stay with me and stay married. He just wants to be single for now and not commit to anyone even if this means losing me. Of course once he is ready to commit in 5-10 years time, I won't be hanging around anymore!

So that's it. Trying to keep my cool and be rational with him, even though I have a very emotional nature and sometimes I just can't control my emotions and just start crying. I'm trying to work on that but it is hard because I have no idea what is going on and what will happen. I have sacrificed so much for him, I would not have done that if I wasn't 100% sure of my love for him. Plus, marriage to me is kinda sacred. When I stood in front of the altar, I promised it would be until death do us part and (don't want to sound soppy) but I meant it. I am absolutely devastated that this has happened after only 7 months of marriage. I love him very much and from my side there is absolutely no intention of divorce.

Any ideas, comments, experiences? Anyone else's husband go through a similar phase and if so how did you deal with it?

Sorry for the very long and rambly post. I find it hard to get to the point at the best of times, especially now.


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## WonderingAway (Dec 20, 2011)

Are you two living a military life? I ask because my husband and I are having similar issues and he is in the military. If so, that's a completely different ballgame, and I can probably give you some great advice. If not, then take comfort in knowing that this IS NOT uncommon. My husband pulled this on me a couple months ago... the whole "I just don't love you" and "I really care about you but I just don't want to be married to you anymore" game. I call it a game because that is what it feels like. One minute the ball is in my court, the next - his. It gets old fast, doesn't it? 

It's an uphill battle every day, and I honestly don't know if it will work out or not. What I DO know, is that I made a vow to him for better or worse, etc. I could not look myself in the mirror if I didn't at least TRY to work on things. But, BUT!!!, I will not let him break me. I will do what I CAN DO, but I have told him that he holds 50% too. If he continues to do his part (practicing patience, honesty, going to counseling with me, etc.), we will get through this; although, the moment he 'gives up', or stops trying, I walk. End of story. 

Some days I want to leave and find myself inching towards my "Plan B" folder I keep locked in my desk at work (my new budget, my apartment application, basically everything that I have prepared so that IF that time comes, I won't be running in circles -- I will have a plan in place). I went through this once before. The difference was that I was on the other end. I got married very young (18 – married, 21 – divorced), and honestly just fell out of love with my husband. I told him, I meant it, and then I left. It DOES happen. 

I guess what I am trying to say, is that love IS NOT enough. One person is complicated enough on their own... then you add someone else in the mix? It's tough. Keep your chin up and remember that no one besides yourself deserves the best of you.

BTW - I am 27 and he is 28. I left home and followed him out of love too, so I can understand where you are coming from. I hope something in there made you smile... you ARE NOT alone! :ezpi_wink1:


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## LookingForTheAnswer (Dec 21, 2011)

Hey Wondering, thanks so much for your reply. Yeah, a couple a things did make me smile. Sounds all far too familiar!

He's not in the military, btw, he is a call centre manager with shifts, but does not work too late. The latest is 10pm.

You know, that's the most frustrating part, what happened between you and your first husband, that's totally understandable. You fell out of love, it wasn't fair on him or you to stay, so you walked. I get that. What I don't get is a guy who says he does love you, that you are the love of his life and he would be devestated if you and him broke up...but he is still not sure if he'd rather be single than married. THAT does not make sense to me unless he doesn't really want to separate and it is more a cry for help for an underlying problem. Knowing my husband, though, he won't even know himself what the underlying problem is! *sigh*

I'm still working on the therapy bit, my mum suggested that too today. But it was only a few days ago it really came to a head and I'm flying abroad tonight. Hopefully when we are both back in the country and have had our break he will agree to therapy. We briefly discussed it but 'he doesn't believe they know what they're talking about and it might hurt more than it will do any good' in his opinion. :sleeping:

Anyway, looking forward to a nice little break and some quality time with the fam. Thanks once again for your reply, it means a lot to know there are others out there going through this.


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

If your husband is like my wife.. "needing a break and unsure if he wants to be married" is code for I'm cheating and I need space so you don't find out. Sorry. My 2cents.


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## armywife0520 (Aug 29, 2011)

Dear LookingfortheAnswer,
I am basically in your same situation.. my husband just likes to add other women into the mix! We too have been together for 3 years and married in May (weird!). The hardest part about all of this is it has only been 7 months and I literally think to myself all of the time are you kidding me?! My husband actually decided to take a month and a half hiatus at 4 months and never really came fully back. I too am like you. I want one marriage and thats it. Those vows were everything tot me. And that's the only reason I've stuck around through all this crap. The difference here is your husband actually seems to be a pretty good guy! (I'm not that fortunate). I know it is so so insulting and upsetting that someone doesn't just know without even having to think about it that you are all they want. We have vowed our lives to them and now they're confused?? I wish I had answers!! But listen, he is only 27.. I am coming to learn it takes them until about 30 to figure it out and unfortunately most never do You know him better than anyone and you wouldn't have married him if you didn't know his heart. So fight for him! You seem to have it very under control and hats off to you because it is so easy to get obsessive and overly emotional in a situation like this. I know a lot of women would say screw him! You dont want me I dont want you mentality.. thats not my motto. Vows are vows. So I say do everything you can to have a good marriage and if at the end of the day he decides to forego the privilege of being your husband.. thats on him.
Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk more!
God bless.


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## WonderingAway (Dec 20, 2011)

38m3kids said:


> If your husband is like my wife.. "needing a break and unsure if he wants to be married" is code for I'm cheating and I need space so you don't find out. Sorry. My 2cents.


LookingForTheAnswer - This isn't true. In some situations I am sure this COULD be the case... not NOT the majority. Don't let a post like this turn you into the "snopping paranoid wife" bit.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

LFTA - I can sort of relate as well. Short version - married 3 years....rocky times? YES! Mistakes made? YES! by both of us. 

Been separated for 4 months now. I left home with his BIL moved into OUR home (again). BIL states H doesn't want marriage. H states (supposedly) to others he doesn't want marriage. H hasn't filed for D. H doesn't communicate at all now.

Most have said "He's just not that into you" or "he met someone else"....which MAY be true....but I don't understand why he wouldn't just end it. 

In any event knowing that your H has some mental health issues helps (mine I am almost sure was misdiagnosed). Only you will be able to tell when you are ready to be done, and have had your fill. Seeing your family will leave you recharged, I am sure  

Thinking of you!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let him go. Or continue to live in a marriage where you don't know whether he is coming or going.

His committment to you is NOT there which is why he keeps playing with your feelings.

He wasn't ready to get married and unfortunately, you were his scapegoat.

Nothing good will come out of this.

Put your big girl panties on and tell him you refuse to live in a relationship where one party doesn't know whether he wants to be in it or not.

You deserve better.


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