# Husband's second affair in 3 years of marriage



## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

I have recently found out that my Husband was having his second affair in our 3 years of marriage, and am devastated to say the least. To give some background he is in a work industry where he takes wealthy foreigners on tours of our Country. These are often very private (2 or 3 people and often Fathers and Daughters etc). The first incident was a few months after we got married, he got close to a girl on his tour and they kept in touch after she left. The messages were very emotional and sexual but it didn't last long. I gave him a second chance and now we have a beautiful baby girl of nearly a year old and I really felt like the last year had been bliss and that our marriage was stronger than ever. About 3 weeks ago I found out that the same thing had happened on his most recent trip again. This time there was some messing around and kissing involved and they kept in contact afterwards, also sexual and emotional messages. He was telling her that she was his soulmate etc and the worst part is that this was going on while my Dad was dying of cancer. My husband was messaging the other woman while sitting in my family’s home just after we had seen my Dad which to me is unforgivable. I confronted him and at first he denied it and then confessed and told me everything. He says he loves us and wants to work on our marriage But how do I move past this? Is it okay when it is just texting? I am fortunate that I have a very good job and can support myself and my daughter if I need too. But I can’t stand the thought of raising her in a broken home, but I also don’t want her to grow up and think this is okay.. Has anyone had any similar experience?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sorry for you issue as I'm sure it stings. Your husband has shown a pattern and as painful as it might be to accept, the likelihood that this scenario repeats again is almost certain.

You are financially viable, only 3 years in so not a lifetime given up for the marriage. Personally I would make the hard choice and leave him.

I know you're looking for ways to salvage it, and be all means you can try, but serial cheats will burn you eventually.

And my guess, multiply by 10 the amount he told you happened? Only kissed? You sure? Think twice.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Actions speak louder than words and all his talk about "He loves us" is bull$h!t. He is incapable of being in a monogamous relationship like marriage, and you should seriously end your marriage with a man who has not matured and still thinks he can act as though he was an unattached single man. The sooner you file for divorce the better for you and your daughter.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> Actions speak louder than words and all his talk about *"He loves us" is bull$h!t.* He is incapable of being in a monogamous relationship like marriage, and you should seriously end your marriage with a man who has not matured and still thinks he can act as though he was an unattached single man. The sooner you file for divorce the better for you and your daughter.


Yes, but he is not IN love with her.

Twice in 3 years qualifies as a serial cheater for me. And also, he is fooling around with clients. That gravy train may not last as long as he hopes it to.

Find the strength to leave him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell him "Do not pass pass go, do not collect $2. You are out of here buddy."


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Unless he's the world's worst cheater to have gotten caught the both times he cheated, there have most likely been more than 2.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

Thank you all for the reply, I think in my heart I have always known that this isnt going to work. My Dad has since passed away sadly and I feel like I haven't been dealing with the issue with my marriage because I have been so upset about my Dad. I dont know if I can carry on being marriage to someone who I cant trust.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad .


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

Thank you so much. It has been very hard, I think that is what gets to me the most is that he was doing this while my Dad was dying, while we were visiting him in hospital. While I was experiencing the hardest saddest moment in my life. I just cant believe this is happening. My parents had such a wonderful marriage and we had such a happy childhood, I always wanted that and for my children to have that and now this is happening. Sometimes I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend its not happening.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

I am very fortunate that I can support myself and my daughter without his help if I need too. But yes I would make him provide. And I would never take his daughter away from him, jeeeeez this really sux (feeling very mature, like I want to stomp my feet and pull a tongue at someone).... how did we get to this...


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

Thank you I am taking care of myself. I have started therapy on my own (first session is this afternoon). I started gym properly again, visited the salon etc. Little things but they make me feel a bit better and healthier. I have got a wonderful support system with my Mom, sister and friends so I have been leaning on them a lot.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> Thank you I am taking care of myself. I have started therapy on my own (first session is this afternoon). I started gym properly again, visited the salon etc. Little things but they make me feel a bit better and healthier. I have got a wonderful support system with my Mom, sister and friends so I have been leaning on them a lot.


Good. You're starting from a great place then. (Great as in strong, not fun!). Many of us have been in your shoes. You're going to be just fine.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

Sorry I know I am going on and on here but I feel like I need to vent. In the messages he was sending he was sending her pics of our daughter and saying how he wished she was their daughter bleh bleh etc. How can you use your children as a pawn in your game!!!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Vent away, SA! It's what we're here for. That is just awful . Does he have any clue how hurtful that is to you as a mom? How did you discover all of this?


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## Midnight_cowboy (Jul 16, 2015)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> I think that is what gets to me the most is that he was doing this while my Dad was dying, while we were visiting him in hospital. While I was experiencing the hardest saddest moment in my life.


Would it have mattered if he did this during the happiest, easiest part of your life?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Using your own daughter in messages to another woman and texting next door to a hospital room. Is there a worst cheater contest around he is looking to win.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> He was telling her that she was his soulmate etc and the worst part is that this was going on while my Dad was dying of cancer. My husband was messaging the other woman while sitting in my family’s home just after we had seen my Dad which to me is *unforgivable.*


My ex was cheating on me while my dad was dying of cancer also. I found about a month after he passed. Had he not been dying I probably would of found out sooner but was too preoccupied with the situation.

My sincere condolences.... She was also a serial cheat too. It is UNFORGIVABLE and I hope you put this piece of trash on the curb where he belongs and divorce him. He has no remorse or love for you. Find someone better because you deserve better.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

You have all been so kind and supportive thank you. To answer the question I had a feeling as soon as he got home from the trip and things just weren't adding up. I then saw a message on his phone and that lead me to checking email where all was revealed  you all seem so brave. If you did leave your cheating spouses did it take you a while to make that decision. I feel so scared. I keep thinking about what we have shared and the life we could have. I am independent but still worried I might never find someone again. I am still (fairly) young and quite attractive, I think ha ha bit gosh dating again! With a child.... or am I thinking too muchabout this....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

A change in life is always scary. But it is always liberating also.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Midnight_cowboy said:


> Would it have mattered if he did this during the happiest, easiest part of your life?


It's an added betrayal. My ex cheated on me while I was taking care care of my mother who had cancer and grieving the death of my grandmother. 

You can't help thinking...instead of supporting me when I needed him most he spends his energy on someone else.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> And I would never take his daughter away from him,.


No matter how custody works out, or what you choose to do, he took his "daughter away" all by himself.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

It would have still been bad but I feel the fact that he did this when I needed him the most makes the betrayal worse.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

Sorry if that didn't make sense. I was replying to midnight cowboy. I'm not sure how to copy the original text...


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

I agree. And now he says that he has changed and learnt his lesson and this will never happen again and that I must give him another chance to prove that. But the last chance was another chance and I am too scared this will happen again, I'm not sure my heart can take it.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> Sorry I know I am going on and on here but I feel like I need to vent. In the messages he was sending he was sending her pics of our daughter and saying how he wished she was their daughter bleh bleh etc. How can you use your children as a pawn in your game!!!


This might be the most disrespectful thing I've seen on TAM in quite a while. SA, you're a good person and in the end you'll always come out on top.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> I agree. And now he says that he has changed and learnt his lesson and this will never happen again and that I must give him another chance to prove that. But the last chance was another chance and I am too scared this will happen again, I'm not sure my heart can take it.


You owe him nothing and that is what he should get. Just the fact that he had the audacity to say you owe him another chance demonstrates that he isn't deserving of one.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Sadly, if you stay with him he will cheat again. This is going to be one of the worst years in your life. But it will end. That I can promise. If you don't leave him, you are just putting off the worst year of your life. Better to get it over with.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SAbrokenhearted

He has cheated twice in three years, he was caught the first time, he was given the best gift he could ever receive. He was given the gift to live with his daughter, watch her grow up and discover new things every day. Every day, not every other weekend and a night during the week. He was given the gift to stay with his wife, have a family, and be a great husband while repairing himself. 

He had everything the moment you gave him the gift of reconciliation. Instead he chose, that's right he chose, to throw it all away. He chose what he thought to more important, flirty texts. His best choice was obviously made over three years ago when he chose to marry you. The pattern he is showing now is that he has lost the ability to make a good choice now or in the future. If I were you, I'm done, I gave you the second chance, you chose to instead throw my heart on the floor and stomp on it. You chose to crush the love I had for you. Now I choose to find someone who will love me as I deserve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

What drifting on and intheory said. Squared.

I'm 50 and my beautiful 13-year-old son and I have been left by his Dad, my husband of 25 years, for a woman he met while away on a trip (at a funeral!) and has known in person for all of 11 days. I thought I was going to die when I first found out about her, and again when it became clear he'd chosen her over me. There were times I wished I could disappear. Raising a teenager alone in my 50s was not exactly a dream of mine. And losing the husband I've spent more than half my life with to someone he just met and barely knows is still unbelievable to me at times.

I look at you, and you're facing raising a child largely without her father from babyhood on, and that's equally daunting, if not moreso.

I'm still here four months later, with him moved out and living across town and the divorce nearly final. You'll make it through this, too. It sounds like you already have a strong support system in place, and it's great that you're already getting therapy.

It helps that my STBX keeps showing his true poopy brown colors in almost everything he does and says. He could give your H a run for his money in the Master of Insensitivity department. Even so, what your H did by texting her pictures of your daughter from the hospital when your Dad was dying is appalling even to me.

Like STR said, keep venting away. Here, and to your support system. Post here often, and let us know how you're doing.

So sorry you're here, but also as STR said, many of us have been through it. And found it's definitely a case of "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger."


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your husband sounds like a player and is definitely not marriage material. He knows how to talk the other women around and he knows how to do it to you.

There was a player on this forum, a self-acknowledged serial cheater, who finally confessed his infidelities to his wife in the hopes that she would forgive him and not leave him. When he was asked what her response was, he said, "She filed for divorced. She was smarter than I gave her credit for. I was always able to pull the wool over her eyes before, but not this time."

You and your daughter are young. Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes. Save yourself years of grief and heartache by cutting this man loose now.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

I already feel (a bit) better after talking to you all. I know myself and I just cant let something like this go. I am turning into a person I hate and don't even recognize, permanently paranoid and worried. He is trying every trip under the sun, telling me not to make a mistake by destroying our family but I didn't make the mistake, he did. And then he threatened to kill himself if I leave, really, low tactics...


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

And he says to me that this wouldn't have happened a second time if we had gone for counseling after the first time and he had addressed the issue, would that have helped??? Surely you should know this is wrong, surely after seeing how broken I was after the first time should have been enough.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> And he says to me that this wouldn't have happened a second time if we had gone for counseling after the first time and he had addressed the issue, would that have helped???


 It doesn't matter. Don't let him blame shift you into a false reconciliation or any guilt.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

We were together for 2 and a half years before getting married, and have been married for 3 and a bit years now.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

The irony is that the affairs happened exactly two years apart, to the date.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SAbrokenhearted

If your husband had true remorse from his actions on the first affair he would have gone to therapy. Nothing you would have done or said would have stopped him from therapy. I find it very convienient for him to blame you. He obviously didn't learn a thing from watching you go through agony of his first affair. He is either incapable of learning or he has no regard for you and your marriage. The fact he used his daughter as a pawn in the second affair is atrocious. 

He had visions in his head of what him and the AP would look like as a family. As a father myself, I would find it despicable to use my children to aid an affair. You need to get yourself and your children away from your husband. I consider him more of a threat to the children's well being than he would be good. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Please please please do not buy his bullsh!t. He's desprate now so he's trying everything to get you to cave, but what he really wants is you and his daughter as well as his wh0res. If you stick around you'll have the same guy and you know it, so if you do take him back your eyes are open. 

He will try every single angle he can to get you to cave. His family isn't that much of a concern to him when he's fvcking his wh0res, he's counting on you to put up with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> I already feel (a bit) better after talking to you all. I know myself and I just cant let something like this go. I am turning into a person I hate and don't even recognize, permanently paranoid and worried. He is trying every trip under the sun, telling me not to make a mistake by destroying our family but I didn't make the mistake, he did. And then he threatened to kill himself if I leave, really, low tactics...


The next time he threatens suicide, call the authorities to come help him work through those thoughts (even if you know they're a manipulation tactich, which they are).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> The next time he threatens suicide, call the authorities to come help him work through those thoughts (even if you know they're a manipulation tactich, which they are).


Suicide threats are the ultimate manipulation tactic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He is not the man you hoped he would be. I think you know just the tip of the iceberg. You've been together for 5 years. Do you think his behavior just came out of nowhere? It's very practiced.

He is conning you. He is a serial cheater. He won't change. The pattern he is exhibiting is well-known.

I'm sorry. I really am.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

To do this to you twice and not once, knowing how devastating it was the first time is terrible, more so when you needed him emotionally when your dad was dying. This is unforgivable. You H is not a man you should consider staying with, he will only bring you misery. Your child is better off growing up with a contented mum than parents who are constantly fighting due to affairs. Divorce him. Let everyone know what he did ( not for revenge but to ensure he doesn't use others to manipulate you). Do the 180 on him immediately, surround yourself with people who love you and remove him from your life.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

Thank you all. Just to give you an update. He has been away for work for the last week and a bit, and will be for another month. In the meantime I have been going for therapy just to help me deal with my Dad's passing and letting go of this anger and resentment. I don't want to hold onto it, and let it consume me and turn me into someone I am not. I think I have been doing quite well. We have agreed to limit communication during this time, and occasionally I slip up and send him a why, why, why message just looking for answers. Because we really haven't had a chance to talk about this at all. He responses have been terrible to say the least, turning around and telling me that I cant let this go and I will never believe anything he says, and I mustn't message unless I have anything decent to say. I wasn't being horrible in my messages, I was just being honest. He has done nothing to change and is acting like this isn't serious at all, and I am overreacting. I am not going to put up with this anymore, I am done. I am not trying to be vain or self opinionated but I am a young, strong and attractive woman. I have raised an amazing baby girl almost entirely on my own and I have recently been one of the youngest people (and the only woman) to be appointed as a director at my company. I don't deserve this. I have told him we will separate for now and then take it from there.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Don't back down.

My wife tried the nice route and it got her nowhere.

When she put her foot down and gave me 2 choices

Her or the OW..

That really woke me up quickly.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I am afraid he will not change. 3 years into marriage is like a honeymoon stage. This is his second strike. Look at this in this way, you learn your lesson, it is time to move out. File for D and be done with it. Do not spend any more of your time on him, it is a lost cause.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> He responses have been terrible to say the least, turning around and *telling me that I cant let this go and I will never believe anything he says*, and* I mustn't message unless I have anything decent to say.*
> 
> He has done nothing to change and is acting like this isn't serious at all, and I am overreacting.


If you had any doubt about whether to D, his actions show you that in addition to being a serial cheater, he's a non-remorseful serial cheater. Doesn't get much worse than that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> Thank you all. Just to give you an update. He has been away for work for the last week and a bit, and will be for another month. In the meantime I have been going for therapy just to help me deal with my Dad's passing and letting go of this anger and resentment. I don't want to hold onto it, and let it consume me and turn me into someone I am not. I think I have been doing quite well. We have agreed to limit communication during this time, and occasionally I slip up and send him a why, why, why message just looking for answers. Because we really haven't had a chance to talk about this at all. He responses have been terrible to say the least, turning around and telling me that I cant let this go and I will never believe anything he says, and I mustn't message unless I have anything decent to say. I wasn't being horrible in my messages, I was just being honest. He has done nothing to change and is acting like this isn't serious at all, and I am overreacting. I am not going to put up with this anymore, I am done. I am not trying to be vain or self opinionated but I am a young, strong and attractive woman. I have raised an amazing baby girl almost entirely on my own and I have recently been one of the youngest people (and the only woman) to be appointed as a director at my company. I don't deserve this. I have told him we will separate for now and then take it from there.


The problem is not at all that you are too _____, or not ____ enough. He has attempted blameshifting, and now gaslighting (trying to minimize the seriousness of his betrayal). More and more of his cheaters script tactics will become apparent to you.

The problem is he has clearly demonstrated that he is not accountable for his own choices and is not committed to a monogamous marriage where you both work to fulfill each others needs within the boundaries of your marriage. He clearly values your loyalty but his own loyalty towards his spouse is not in his personal code of honor. He is not able to acknowledge that he has completely destroyed and betrayed your trust.

It is great that you are in counselling to help yourself through this crisis. In VERY short order you will look back and see how divorcing him is by far the best decision you have made in your marriage since deciding to have a child.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You know your worth. Don't ever forget it.

He's a hound dog and any woman who stays married to him will live with continuous heartbreak, in my opinion.

Can you stop contact with him? I know this is hard, but a 180 would help you now.


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## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

Yes I have stopped all contact with him now. I have said we can discuss custody etc when he gets back but that's it. I am not interested in having conversations of she said he said. Its funny although I have asked for this, and haven't done anything wrong I still feel so sad and upset that it has come to this. I cant believe my life and marriage has turned out like this, I really thought I married one of the good guys and that we would live happily ever after. The truth and realization is so sad. To those who have been through this and survived it, how did you do it?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> Yes I have stopped all contact with him now. I have said we can discuss custody etc when he gets back but that's it. I am not interested in having conversations of she said he said. Its funny although I have asked for this, and haven't done anything wrong I still feel so sad and upset that it has come to this. I cant believe my life and marriage has turned out like this, I really thought I married one of the good guys and that we would live happily ever after. The truth and realization is so sad. To those who have been through this and survived it, how did you do it?


Yes, it really blindsides a faithful person to discover their spouse's infidelity. You get through it - you don't really have a choice, but HOW you get through it is certainly within your control. I'm not an angry person, but for me my anger welled up and it helped me stay quite strong through it all (even though I was a sobbing mess). It also helps to have friends that support you - both friends that have gone through something similar as well as ones which haven't but still are there for you. Counselling helps you work through the emotional turmoil. I'm more than four years out from my D-day and I've moved on in a lot of ways but there is still a crater in my heart where my vision of my family once stood - it has smoothed out and filled in some but you just find another place to invest your heart, and you will find just as much joy in the future as experienced in the past, just occasionally you feel some pain along with it, just like aging.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

SAbrokenhearted said:


> ...... turning around and telling me that I cant let this go and I will never believe anything he says, and I mustn't message unless I have anything decent to say. I wasn't being horrible in my messages, I was just being honest. He has done nothing to change and is acting like this isn't serious at all, and I am overreacting.


This is classic. Classic manipulation and classic cheater speak (when they are not repentant and have no intention of being so.) This is a man who fully intends to continue in the way that he is...Hence he is not sorry, he gives you no fvcks at all! Hear him. "I don't give a fvck!" Honestly, this man of yours is truly full on into his lifestyle and will not allow you to take that away from him. 

Why else would he blame his awful behaviour on you 'not going to counselling the first time'....yeah, you are a bad person for that. I blame you too. It's your fault he cheated a second time because of that very issue! It's all about your failings...If it's not about your failings then it might become about his! 

He cannot let that happen. Therefore, it's your fault due to the counselling, it's your fault bringing up sh1t (that he dealt to you), it's your fault making his cheating an issue, it's your fault to be bothered by it, it's your fault to bring up negative things all the time (that he did), it's your fault that you won't let it go (because he refuses to talk about it or deal with it), it's your fault you won't leave the past in the past (because he fvcked someone and doesn't want to talk about it because he likes fvcking others but doesn't like having to deal with his wife not liking him fvcking others), just stop it already! It's your fault for bringing it up because he certainly won't! 


I agree. Just stop making his life a misery and wish him well on his little petty shallow dalliances. Wish him well and leave him to it. There is nothing you can do to change this man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And yes, you will of course feel sad and upset. You are mourning the life you thought you would have. For you and your child. It's very sad. But you can only deal with the cards that are dealt. Yours are these. So make the best of your sh1tty hand. You have a great job and a beautiful child. You are in a greater position than many (though that thought may not be much comfort now). Be thankful for that mercy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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