# My husband of only one month wants a divorce. I am torn to pieces.



## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I am 30 years old and I never thought I would get married until I met my husband. My husband and I got married on March 31st. We have not always had the easiest relationship because we are both very opinionated and strong-headed. However, there was no question or doubt that we loved each other and both wanted the best for each other. 

Through the relationship, I have had jealousy issues and I have had issues with pressuring him and being pushy in certain situations. He is the type of person that bottles all of his anger and hurt inside and sometimes blows up because of it. He has a temper, but only when he is pushed to a certain point.

My jealousy issues are solely because of my own insecurities. It's not that he was cheating on me or anything. I just got jealous over ridiculous things. For example, if a pretty woman walked by and he glanced at her, I would become upset and mention it to him. 

He would sometimes have these mood swings where he just wanted to be left alone. Instead of giving him his space, I would instead take it very personal and hound him about it. I would say things like, "Why are you treating me like this?" and "What did I do to deserve this?" The sad thing is, it was never usually personal against me. It was just him either grumpy about something at work or in a little bit of a bad mood. All he wanted was to be left alone and have time to get out of his mood. Instead, I would make him feel worse by harassing him as if his mood was a personal attack against me. Basically, just because I did not understand his behavior, I would assume that he was being grumpy with me personally, when he really wasn't. 

Over time, before the wedding and after, this unhealthy behavior became a pattern and I gradually pushed him further and further. Then I would wonder why I felt I was losing his love, trust and faith in me. I used to blame him for "not loving me as much as I loved him." Yet, the whole time, I had been the one causing his distance from me. 


Well our fights just got worse and worse because he was only able to take so much. He would sometimes try to leave and I would get so upset because I felt that he was giving up on me. I am ashamed to admit, I would block him from leaving and sometimes take his keys from him. I would be crying profusely and begging him not to leave and to calm down because at this point, he was irate and felt cornered by me. 

We got into a really big fight four days ago. I took his keys again to try to prevent him from leaving and we got into a physical struggle over the keys. There was no hitting, only struggling for the keys. When I finally gave him the keys, after calming down a little and taking the advice of his mother, he left and went to her house. This is the first time he has actually left and stayed gone. He has been gone for four days. We have had small breakup fights before, but they never lasted long and we usually just resolved it the next day. Before we got married, he threatened to break off the wedding and after we got married, he threatened to divorce me, but never went through with it. 

This time he is dead serious. He refused to see me in person or to even call me to discuss our relationship. He only responds once out of about every 10 text messages I send him, begging for him to give me another chance and to not throw our marriage away. His responses are always very impersonal. He has constantly been telling me, "I'm sorry. I have made up my mind." He tells me to stop torturing myself by begging him to come back home and work things out. He tells me that nothing will change his mind and that we have to start the healing process. He told me that our relationship is toxic and will only get worse. 

This is the thing. I realize that he can only take so much and that I pushed him and pushed him and he is at the point of being fed up, but I honestly and genuinely want to correct my behavior. This is the first time I have actually come to the realization of my actions and what caused our relationship to start failing. I am not blaming myself entirely, but I am blaming myself for most of our problems because they all stemmed from me preventing him from being himself and giving him space to breathe. I am willing to go to counseling or whatever it will take to help me correct my behavior. 

I don't even know why I get jealous. He treats me very well, he makes me feel beautiful, he married ME and he makes love to ME. I feel so ashamed and ridiculous for the way I have acted in this relationship. I have a really bad habit of needing to deal with issues 'right then and there' instead of giving him time to calm down or to think.

I've always known I've had these issues, but it wasn't until I realized that he was actually 100% leaving me, that I had a full realization of the entire relationship and the role that I played in it. I'm so terribly afraid that I realized all of this too late. I have begged and begged him to give me another chance. I have been texting him repeatedly because he won't talk to me or see me in person. This is also pathetic, but I am just so afraid of losing him. Everyone is telling me that if I give him his space and step back, he may come back, but I know him and I know once he sets his mind like this, he does not go back. He's extremely stubborn and anal about sticking to decisions he makes. 

I am willing to do anything it takes to work through this. I took marriage very seriously and really believe that divorce is not an option. I believe in 'for better or worse' and that two people who love each other, make efforts to improve. I know marriage is not easy. I know I have a lot to learn, but I know I am on the right track by identifying what I need to change. 


It's just that now it is probably too late. I am so heartbroken and depressed. I can't go a long time without bursting into tears. I feel dead inside. I feel like I lost my best friend. Regardless of our fights, we had this special closeness and were able to tell each other anything. I don't know what to do. I know everyone will probably tell me to step back and let him think, but he will just take that as me trying to move on and go through the healing process. I feel like I HAVE to let him know how bad I want to change and work on my issues. I just don't know why he refuses to give me a chance to work on things, especially when this is the first time that I actually fully realized my fault and had a burning desire to fix them. Please help me. Any feedback, guidance, constructive criticism is welcome. I am a complete wreck and I can't get it together. I'm afraid this is going to destroy me, especially if we have to go through the whole divorce process and he won't take me back. I have less than 1% hope that he will take me back and I know him very well.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

Y r 30 now not 12.
Sometimes enough is enough.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> I am 30 years old and I never thought I would get married until I met my husband. My husband and I got married on March 31st. We have not always had the easiest relationship because we are both very opinionated and strong-headed. However, there was no question or doubt that we loved each other and both wanted the best for each other.
> 
> Through the relationship, I have had jealousy issues and I have had issues with pressuring him and being pushy in certain situations. He is the type of person that bottles all of his anger and hurt inside and sometimes blows up because of it. He has a temper, but only when he is pushed to a certain point.
> 
> ...


You need to seek professional help to understand why you have these issues. It sounds like you have low self esteem. Seek the help to fix you. Then and only then will you be able to participate in a healthy relationship. I don't know what this means to your marriage or if your husband wants to help you get help -- but that is his decision. Wishing you the best.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You're in serious need of counseling.

Get started NOW. You'll be unable to move forward until you deal with yourissues.

It also sounds like your hubby could use counseling too but you can only be responsible for yourself at tis point


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Find an individual counsellung for yourself, after that ask your husband to join you at a marriage counselling.

I'm sorry for the situation you're in but at this point your actions will speak older then words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts are similar to the others... Focus on addressing your issues. That probably means counselling. 

This has two benefits. First, it will demonstrate that you recognize that there's a problem, and you're serious about addressing it. This may be enough for him to give you another chance. 

It also puts you in a much healthier state if unfortunately things don't work out with your husband. Otherwise, you'll just be posting this all over again.

How long did you date before getting married? What was your relationship like then? What about prior relationships?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes to all the above. And leave him alone -- every single text you send just reinforces his belief that you will never mend your ways. I know that you love him, but please, respect him enough to give him the space he has begged for.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Please get help for yourself NOW. You're not emotionally ready for marriage. You need to dig down deep and figure out why you behave this way.

You need to stop contacting him. It probably feels smothering to him. There's nothing another email or text or call will accomplish other than to confirm what he already thinks about you. You're doing no favors for yourself by reinforcing your previous actions. By contacting him when he's asked for space, you're showing his feelings don't matter. Listen and respect the boundary he's set up for himself. It's the first step in showing you're taking actions to change. The second step is to call a reputable therapist for individual counseling. You have a lot of issues to resolve through therapy. 

Good luck.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Thank you for all the advice and suggestions. I know all of you are right and I know I need to focus on myself and get counseling. I really am a good person with a good heart. I just allow my emotions to get the best of me. It's been hard, really hard to focus and try to do everyday things. I find myself struggling to find happiness at all throughout the day. He has been communicating with me through text still. I suggested counseling to him, but he is not open to it. The hardest thing I will have to do is to realize that it is over and start my healing process. I have to seek counseling and I've asked some friends if their church organizations offer free counseling, since my finances are limited, especially considering that I am now responsible for all the bills in the house by myself. I really want to be able to wake up one morning and not burst into tears. I want to be able to sleep without suddenly waking up in a hot sweat, realizing that this is all real and not a nightmare. I want to be able to get my appetite back up and do simple things like house cleaning and errands, but it's just so hard. My heart feels broken, destroyed, torn and empty. I just wish I could speed up time to a point where I can just smile again, about anything.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

When you wake from your nightmares, can't eat, can't go an hour without crying...remember that you at not alone. I am going through the exact same thing. Last night I had the worst dream I think I have ever had, and I have lost 12 pounds in two months. Don't even ask how often I cry, I'm not sure I even stop some days. Think of me and the probably thousands of others in the world sharing our feelings today. Hugs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> Thank you for all the advice and suggestions. I know all of you are right and I know I need to focus on myself and get counseling. I really am a good person with a good heart. I just allow my emotions to get the best of me. It's been hard, really hard to focus and try to do everyday things. I find myself struggling to find happiness at all throughout the day. He has been communicating with me through text still. I suggested counseling to him, but he is not open to it. The hardest thing I will have to do is to realize that it is over and start my healing process. I have to seek counseling and I've asked some friends if their church organizations offer free counseling, since my finances are limited, especially considering that I am now responsible for all the bills in the house by myself. I really want to be able to wake up one morning and not burst into tears. I want to be able to sleep without suddenly waking up in a hot sweat, realizing that this is all real and not a nightmare. I want to be able to get my appetite back up and do simple things like house cleaning and errands, but it's just so hard. My heart feels broken, destroyed, torn and empty. I just wish I could speed up time to a point where I can just smile again, about anything.


What was your childhood like?


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Conrad, I was adopted at age two. Because of this, I did have emotional problems (temper tantrums) growing up. My mom loves me a lot, but not knowing how to handle my behavior, she was in denial a lot. My father also loved me, but was constantly frustrated with me and he would hit me, between the ages of about 6-12 years old. My brother, who was a teenager, would also hit me. My mom and sister would just kind of avoid the situation and pretend like it didn't happen. When I got into my teenage years, I resented my dad a lot and I rebelled. I dated the wrong guys, skipped school, smoked marijuana, ran away from home, etc. I even went to juvenile detention centers a few times for running away. I had a boyfriend in high school who cheated on me a lot, but I kept going back to him. 

When I turned 17, I started dating someone else and got pregnant a year into the relationship. My son's father was a decent guy. He had a good job, a good family, etc. He didn't use drugs or drink. However, when our son was only two months old, I found out that he cheated on me and got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. Hence, my son has a half brother that is not much younger than him. I was very distraught about this because I never imagined being a single mom, but I broke up with him and about a year later, started dating someone else. 

The next guy I dated, I stayed with for almost 7 years. He was the one I got my first apartment with and we lived together for most of our relationship. I ended up cheating on him, though. I cared about him, but at that point in my life, I don't think I ever felt I could fully trust any man, so I always had reservations with him, even though I still, to this day, don't think he ever cheated on me. We tried to work through the fact that I cheated, but it was too difficult and we broke up. 

I stayed single for a few years, dating casually but never really found anyone too interesting that I felt I could fall for. Then I met my husband. He was the ONLY man that I have ever loved with everything, the only man I was completely vulnerable to. 

I think my childhood has a lot to do with my behavior today. My biological parents gave me up for adoption (I don't know why), my adoptive parents loved me but never really knew how to raise me or handle my emotional distress growing up. Every guy I've dated has screwed me over in some way until I got to the point of not even having faith in people in general. I have very few friends because I am very skeptical of people. My husband was my one and only true love. I think this is why I don't even know where to begin as far as getting over him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In your post you say that you now realize that your actions caused many issues, you now realize that your actions were a problem. And now you want a chance to fix things. So what do you do? You hound him via text messages only showing that you have really learned nothing yet. 

I agree with the others. Work on yourself now. Your history is not good in that you keep getting involved with guys who cheat on you. This reinforces your insecurities. This is an area that you need a lot of help with.

One thing in your OP that I wonder about is why is your husband moody so much? I'm thinking that he has a problem. Then your reaction to it is a problem. So there is a cycle. Most people are seriously bothered when their partner is always moody. Sounds to me like you both have issues. He sounds far from perfect.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I have definitely not resolved my issues, but I can identify my faults. I also know it is wrong to continue to text him. 

His issue is that he has been through a lot of pain in his life. His father left when he was about 8 years old, which is really a painful age to lose your father. He has no contact with him and hasn't for years. My husband also lost his grandmother to cancer several years ago, who he was closer to than his own mother. Finally, he had a son with his ex-girlfriend and they ended up breaking up and she moved back to another state. Therefore, my husband hardly gets to see his son, maybe about four times a year, if that. All of these painful events in his life have caused him to bottle up his hurt. He NEVER shows weakness. He will portray to everyone that nothing gets to him, but inside I know it kills him. I know and his mother knows, but pretty much no one else. He is very good at emotionally detaching himself from painful situations. This is what he is doing with our break up as well. We both have hearts of gold and are really good genuine people. I think that's why we had a special connection, but our problems and issues started to outweigh everything good. He does not believe in counseling, he says. Honestly, I don't think he doesn't believe in it. I think he is scared to go to counseling because it will for once, force him to actually open up a large can of worms that started from when he was a child.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

I agree with everyone here. You need your own help first. You have a passion for being in control. You need to get help so you can let the man of the house be the man of the house. Show him you want to change. Get help and then try to win his heart back. In the meantime leave him alone.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Everyone is telling me the same thing and I know I need counseling. I know I have issues that I need to work on for my sake before I can even focus on fixing our marriage. But tell me this, how the Hell do I cope with this pain? I am not suicidal, but I won't deny that if I was dead and gone, it would give me a huge relief from this pain and agony. I have not been sleeping, eating, cleaning, leaving the house, nothing. I sit home and cry and cry and cry more. I am on this site constantly, trying to find posts from other people that have similar issues only to comfort my own mind. I can't talk to family and friends about this because they give me the same advice and there is nothing they can do. They just say, "You have to wait and see what happens. Give it time."

I just want the pain to go away. I was out in public the other day at a store and I felt the tears swelling out of the blue. I had to run to my car and leave right away. When I got in my car, it was an explosion of tears. I don't understand. If he loves me, really really loves me, then why won't he give us the chance to go to counseling and work through all of this? Does he not know this is torture and it's killing me. I feel like I can't even breathe at times. I feel like my heart stops completely. When I finally do fall asleep (which is rare), I wake up in a panic gasping for air. When I adjust to being awake, I am reminded of my situation and it makes me cry again. I can't keep doing this. How do I get out of this slump? I can't even get the energy up to do important things like go to the bank, write out checks for bills, etc. I am a complete and utter wreck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> Everyone is telling me the same thing and I know I need counseling. I know I have issues that I need to work on for my sake before I can even focus on fixing our marriage. But tell me this, how the Hell do I cope with this pain? I am not suicidal, but I won't deny that if I was dead and gone, it would give me a huge relief from this pain and agony. I have not been sleeping, eating, cleaning, leaving the house, nothing. I sit home and cry and cry and cry more. I am on this site constantly, trying to find posts from other people that have similar issues only to comfort my own mind. I can't talk to family and friends about this because they give me the same advice and there is nothing they can do. They just say, "You have to wait and see what happens. Give it time."
> 
> I just want the pain to go away. I was out in public the other day at a store and I felt the tears swelling out of the blue. I had to run to my car and leave right away. When I got in my car, it was an explosion of tears. I don't understand. If he loves me, really really loves me, then why won't he give us the chance to go to counseling and work through all of this? Does he not know this is torture and it's killing me. I feel like I can't even breathe at times. I feel like my heart stops completely. When I finally do fall asleep (which is rare), I wake up in a panic gasping for air. When I adjust to being awake, I am reminded of my situation and it makes me cry again. I can't keep doing this. How do I get out of this slump? I can't even get the energy up to do important things like go to the bank, write out checks for bills, etc. I am a complete and utter wreck.


You cope with the pain by going through it one day at a time. If you are not functional in 2 weeks and severely depressed see a doctor about anti-depressants. They will take away the worst of it so you can function and work through it.

Do you have friends or family members who you can talk to? If so contact them and get out of the house. Do things, simple things that keep you busy. 

That’s all we can do when in pain like this.. just go through the pain. You will come out of this ok. 

Going back to your post where you talk about how your husband has had so much pain in his life and that’s why he’s so moody. I see this over and over again here, people who use what they consider a lot of pain or life situations as an excuse to be moody, threat others badly, etc. Yes he’s been through some things. But you know what, life goes on. There are many people in this world who have been through much worse than he. It does not help that you are making excuses for him either. I’m sorry but it’s not acceptable. Your husband has issues that he needs to solve. And then he brings them down on your by his acting moody. Before the two of you can have any kind of relationship in the future each of you needs to work on your issues by yourself. Only then could the two of you make a go of this marriage.

My point is that your husband owns 50% of the failure of your marriage. Yet it seems he is acting like he’s a victim here. He’s not from what you have said. I know that you want to concentrate on y our own issues/contribution, but you need to be able to identify his as well in order for you to move on and work on yourself.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Thank you EleGirl, your response really got to me. I know that time will help to make things better. I just wish there was a way I could fast forward time to make it happen quicker. 

He has been telling me over and over that it is not just me and that it is "us together" I am not sure if he even knows what his faults are, but I guess I try to take most of the responsibility because I feel like I have pushed him into being more unhappy. Other things affected him too, not just me, but I affected him on a constant basis. I am scared, deathly scared to admit that maybe we are both too messed up and set in our ways for our relationship to work. I know that's what he thinks, and it may be true, but just saying that and admitting that kills me. 

I know this may sound ridiculous, but I went on Facebook and noticed that he no longer has my on his page as his wife. I am only one of his friends on his page as of yesterday at 7pm. I know that it's just Facebook, but to see that literally made me have a mini panic attack. 

In my heart, I know he is through with me for good so I am just fooling myself, clinging on to a thread of hope. It's embarrassing and pathetic. Tomorrow I am going to try to walk into a church and ask for prayer. I am not very religious but I don't know where else to turn. I am destroying myself more and more each day. 

For some reason, talking to my family does not help much. My family is biased towards me. They also tell me to give it time and that I need to focus on me. It's the same repetitive thing I keep hearing that I know is true but is so hard to put in action. 

What hurts the most is knowing that some other woman can understand his needs more and be the woman that can satisfy him and make him happy, and it is not me. It used to be me and now it's not. Now he thinks of me as the emotionally unstable ex. Ugh, I can't even imaging being with another man myself. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. 

I really want to just sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him, but I don't know if he will be willing to do that. The other day, he did say that he would come see me to talk about everything but that he would not change his mind. I really want to ask him if he knows what issues he has that he needs to work on. I am curious to know what he believes his issues are. I have to stop this. I am driving myself insane and my family is worried about me, but I really think it would be beneficial for me and him to sit down and actually have a face-to-face discussion, which we have not had since the breakup. I wonder if I am right about this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Perhaps you could suggest to him that the two of you have this sit down with a marriage counselor. That could prevent it from ending up like the other times you talked... you two might really need a disinterested 3rd party there.... someone who knows the dynamics of this type of situation. And it might lead to him going to some counseling sessions to fix things.
You might want to send him a text in the morning telling him that you love him but understand that he needs space right now. So you will not text him any more for a few days. But that when he’s ready to talk to you please contact you. If he would like to have someone mediate to keep the conversation from going downhill you can make an appointment at a marriage counselor got for the two of you. 
Then tell him that you are getting into individual counseling to deal with our own issues because he has made you very much aware of them. And you are going to work on them if you are together or not.
The don’t text him for a few days (say 4 days). Then on the 5th day just text him with a ‘Hi, how’s it going. Just wanted to make sure you are ok. Love you.

Give him and yourself time. 

Even though your family it not your fav right now you might really benefit from just being around them. Like just go sit at your mom’s just to be around someone. Something, anything to be around people who care about you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You are an abusive lady. My ex h treated me in that way and I left too, for good. My husband took my keys from me once. He was holding me hostage in my own home, this is illegal and you could of gone to jail. Never keep anyone against their will. You need anger management classes and serious therapy. Let your husband go and work on yourself before you start a relationship. No one deserves to be abused in any way.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like you have abandonment issues.
I know those all too well, have been abandoned in different ways in the past, first of all by mother, then father, and major breach of trust with brothers...etc.
The first thing to do is to get some kind of pharmaceutical relief and get on a schedule for sleep and during the day. 
The next thing is counseling to learn to trust yourself and to take care of yourself emotionally.
One you can trust yourself and are less dependent on others to fulfil your core emotional needs on a day to day basis, you will find it much easier to relate to others. You will also be able to correctly identify when others are not participating in a relationship in a healthy way, and to step back when this happens, with or without a discussion.
Regarding meals, try Boost or Ensure. 
If you deprive your brain of a steady stream of nutrients, you can't expect it to function normally. 
Gaining control of your physical and emotional life is a serious undertaking and only you can do it. You are 30? Or thereabouts? Think of how long you have to live. You owe it to yourself to start investing in a more emotionally stable life. Don't feel discouraged, but do take appropriate steps. Eventually you will find you can keep yourself in a more stable and comfortable place, and feel when you are starting to digress from it and correct your course before things get out of hand.
Grasping at straws externally like moving somewhere new, starting a new job, working out, having a kid, finding a new hobby...these don't count. The change you need comes from within. It is a big responsibility but you know what the alternative is - more suffering and misery.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, D and D, my heart goes out to you. All of Ele Girls advice is spot on. There is an old counseling cliche, old but true, that says the only way around is through. You're just going to have to go through it. The good news is that it will get easier, but I support the recommendation to get some counseling for yourself ASAP.

Also, and I hate to sound like Ole Aunt Peggy here, but your life is not over. At age 30, your life is just getting started. Whether or not you and your husband can work this out, you're going to come out of this stronger and wiser. It just sucks till you get there.

A friend of mine has a great saying about the old saw that when God closes a door, he opens a window..."yeah, but it's hell in the hallway."

You're in the hallway, and it's hellish, but you are going to make it through. Keep talking to us. And btw, I hope you know that the poster above meant that you are abused, not "abusive".


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I am texting him less and less. Today he agreed to talk to me this coming up Sunday. I assured him that our talk would not consist of me begging him back or pleading or crying. My main reason for wanting to talk to him is because I realize that our marriage is going to end, whether I like it or not and I need to let him know that I never meant to hurt him or take him for granted. I want him to know that I have issues that I need to sort out and resolve so that I can find happiness in my life without having to be with someone to fulfill that for me. I don't have any expectations. If he comes back to me later in this life, I can't say that I would be able to be with him because I don't know what my future holds. I don't know if by that point I would find happiness in myself and with someone else. As foreign as that idea is to me, I know deep down that it is possible. I want to let him know how hard this is for me and that I want to go forward without hate and resentment, but more understanding. I want him to leave the conversation knowing that my behavior was not something that I felt I could control at the time and that I do want to make myself better. 

Today I actually ate something for the first time in three days. I ate a turkey pinwheel and some grapes. It's a start. I cleaned my house, took a shower and even fixed my hair and makeup. I left the house to go to the store and could only stay in the store for about 15 minutes before I felt the need to go home. I felt like pain was written all over my face. But like I said, it's a start. I have been reaching out to friends, even though I feel ashamed to tell them what's going on. The good thing is, they have all listened and supported me and will still be my friends. It's hard because some of my friends are both of our friends. I paid bills today also. I know this sounds crazy because the things I've accomplished today are so simple, but for me they were excruciatingly hard. I know soon I will need to take down the family pictures, and store away my wedding rings, dress, etc. I know I will get through this eventually, but it's so hard doing just the necessary things in life. It's been hours since I texted him, which is a record for me. 

I just want to say that I appreciate all of the support that I have received on this site. I even appreciate the criticism that seems a little harsh. I want to get better. I want to learn myself better and I want to be a happier person. It helps to know that others are going through or have went through what I am going through and that they can relate to my emotions.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I want to tell you how impressed I am at the progress you have made in such a short time. You have taken the first steps toward an emotionally healthy life. I can relate to everything you have been feeling...not being able to do simple everyday things, feeling overwhelmingly sad, all of it. Know that this is a rollercoaster, and that when those bad days come, they are part of the process and they will be fewer and farther between over time. I am only a month into my separation, and have just committed to NC this week...it is so hard, but I keep in mind that I got over old boyfriends so I can get over my H. The hardest part for me is letting go of what I thought our life would be...his parents, his friends, the idea of the kids we wanted to have together. I'm slowly replacing the pining thoughts about him with memories of ways he hurt me. Leaving me without working on our relationship, nevermind his issues, is a good reason to start with. If you falter after seeing him, come bqck and talk to us! We will be here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Thank you. Words of encouragement from this site and from friends and family have gotten me to this point and have built my strength. I know there will be harder days than this ahead of me. I'm scared of the day that I will actually get the divorce papers and I'm scared of the day that I will have to move out of this house and start new, but I know that I have people to support me through everything. I will always have a place in my heart for him, and this part of my life will always be bittersweet, but I have learned that I will come out of this a better person and for that I do appreciate the relationship I had with him. It will take this horrible situation to create a better future for myself. If he never comes back, I will try to so hard to get to the point where I love myself enough that I can move on from it.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I looked up divorce support groups and will be contacting one next week. I really can't afford to see a paid therapist because since he has moved out, I have to pay more towards the house and rent. He did agree, however, to help me out with some of the bills until the end of the lease of this house, which I am very grateful for. Still, I will have to pay more than I usually would, which will put a financial strain on me. This is why I am trying to seek counseling through church organizations to help with costs. 

Things seem to get better for me as the day progresses. It's just that in the mornings, it's the worst. After I wake up, it's like I am reminded all over again that he left and is never coming back. 

Does anyone think that the reason he is not willing to try counseling and work with me through my independent counseling is because he just does not love me enough or do you think that he loves me a lot and just has lost faith that we could ever work out? I question this all the time.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Does he know you cheated on your previous partner?


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Yeah, he knows. My husband knows everything about me. I didn't go into too much depth with that though. Not only did I not fully love my past ex, but he would try to pressure me into marriage, etc. I was about 21 at the time and I honestly felt like he was smothering me at times. My past ex never fully had all of my heart like my husband does. 

I honestly think that my husband knows I would never cheat on him. I don't think cheating has ever been an issue in our relationship. It has always just been the fighting and the trust issues.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Hi D&D, I tried looking for your thread and story cause I got curious. _"But tell me this, how the Hell do I cope with this pain? I am not suicidal, but I won't deny that if I was dead and gone, it would give me a huge relief from this pain and agony. "_

Here's what actually helps, imagine yourself in the future that you and your husband are now back together. You don't want to be looking back on such a miserable past otherwise it will weigh you down and u might be too regretful and hate your husband for it, right?

I'm telling u, it doesn't get better with time. Even for me, it's still as painful as hell, but every time I'm sinking so low, I always tell myself, I don't wanna have a memory of ending up in a mental institution when my husband is back with me. I will bring him shame and he will never be proud of me.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I agree. I just wish the pain would stop for even a minute. I am trying everything. I just don't understand how he seems to be doing just fine, getting along with his life as if I was nothing special to him, meanwhile my heart aches every day. Either he hides his emotions very well or he just doesn't love me anymore.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's so nice to hear that your trying. I hope your husband sees this. I do believe in 2nd chances and I hope he does too in the long run. Good luck and it's nice to see that you know what you've done. I'm sorry for my last post btw. I've been treated very poorly in the past and those memories don't ever go away.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

D&D, I will vouch for this, your husband will pretend (so hard) that he is ok, but he is actually not. When my husband came back, he told me, he was also devastated and he was also crying. 

Just picture yourself that this is gonna be ok.. It's early. I am sending you all the good vibes.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

D&D, I commend you for recognizing and admitting the issues you have created in your relationship. I can tell in your OP that you are quite aware now, and you sound serious about wanting to work on your issues.

Lots of people are telling you to stop hounding your husband now and I agree. However, it may be worth reaching out to him *one last time*, in a more formal communication like a well-typed email or even handwritten letter... and letting him know that this is the last time you will bother him and that you will then leave him alone. *And stick to it.*

You have admitted so much in your OP that I think the post itself is practically worthy of showing to your husband. Just to show him you've begun your own initiative on self-help and are going to seek out your own counseling as well. I think it's important you tell him that you are going to do this regardless he decided to come back to you or not, because you recognize your own insecurities as shortcomings that you need to deal with in your life whether he is a part of it or not. You must do this for yourself, and he must know you are doing it for you and not him.

You can end the note off with an understanding on what you have put him through, and your hopes that over time he may change his mind, give you a second chance and come back to you because you are incredibly in love with him. But if he chooses to go his separate way then it is his choice, and you will continue to work on yourself regardless.

But don't just conjure this all up for the sake of this last communication to him... you need to really mean this. You owe it to yourself. Even if your husband comes back to you that should NOT be an excuse to get comfortable and give up on counseling, because you will just relapse into the same destructive behaviors. You need to fix yourself, because whether in this relationship or with the next man, you will always drive them away if you don't change the way you act.

You need to find some true inner peace within yourself – This life is too short. I suggest reading a book called "Awareness" by Anthony de Mello... I think it can seriously help you get in touch with yourself the way you need it.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

This is the conversation we had this morning. I feel like I have taken ten steps back in my recovery and I'm starting to wonder if I can do this. This will be a little drawn out, but I really need to hear opinions on this:

HIM: Let me know what time Sunday night you want to have our talk. I also need to pick up clothes, weights, my pull up bar and computer. 

ME: Ok, I'll let you know what a good time will be. 

HIM: Just promise not to start something and that would be fine. 

ME: I've already promised you that. 

HIM: Come on, you know I was going to ask that anyways. 

ME: Well, please just promise that you will go into the conversation with an open mind and not argue or get defensive. I am not begging you back, but my feelings are important. 

HIM: We both know that it's over and should be thinking about trying to keep the relationship as friends. I don't want it to be too drawn out either. No offense, I'm just not in the mental mood to listen to an hour conversation. 

ME: I'm sorry, but I don't really understand how you have written me off in this way without looking at options that we haven't tried yet. Our marriage is young. You seem to forget the things we have actually progressively worked through. I know there was a lot of negative things going on, but the thing is, it's not like I am even asking you to come back to me anymore, but I don't see how you feel that you are not giving us both at least the opportunity to try to resolve our own issues independently and then later down the road 'possibly' try marriage counseling or other forms of healthy relationship building in the future. I'm not asking you to move back in or to be back with me right away. I'm wondering why you can't even put the divorce off until we can both get better over time, not a week or a month, but real time. It's like you have completely shut me out and detached from me completely. Yet you say you love me. Regardless if you take me back or not, I will still go through with bettering myself and you should probably do the same and try to improve the behavior that you didn't like about yourself. Neither one of us was perfect and both of us need to find out how to resolve things in a better way, whether it be for us or the next person. You have made me feel that you never really loved me and expect me to shrug this off like it is nothing. I'm sorry, but THAT is not realistic. You say I am too emotional, but have you ever stopped to think that your issue is not dealing with things by actually solving them? You are only taking the steps in a break up as if what we had was some high school relationship. You aren't dealing with any underlying issues. You are ignoring them and bottling up your pain like you do with everything else. Maybe that's where your temper comes from. All I've asked is for you to listen to my feelings before you make a huge decision and you don't even want to give me this last conversation. Instead, knowing you, you will make me feel rushed and like what I feel means nothing. It's really selfish and this hurts a lot. I am really trying my best here and you are being very uncaring and unemotional about the whole thing. It's not some simple issue. It deserves merit and consideration. The more you act like this is some business deal and I am so easily disposable, the more hurt, sadness and resentment I feel. I makes me wonder if you have ever truly loved me. We both knew we had problems before we got married and instead of trying to be open and honest with each other, this is where we are after my dad spent thousands on the wedding and you made vows to me that apparently mean nothing to you now. Marriages are hard work and you will not even give us the opportunity to really make an effort to work on ourselves. In the past, we have always just jumped back into the relationship without any real attempt in fixing underlying issues. 

HIM: Just stop. You really think after our horrible fights, something good can come out of it? No, you are blind. 

ME: Yes, I do because the reason we could never get better is because we were unhappy with ourselves and had issues that should have been dealt with BEFORE we kept going back to each other. I am not blind at all. In fact, I can see much more clearly than I ever have. I am committed to you and making myself better before I can be in a healthy relationship with you or anyone. 

HIM: I tried by staying and waiting to see if things changed, but they progressively got worse. You can't see that but I can and I am tired of going through this with you. If it's going to be this complicated when I see you, I'm going to have to go with (friend) to pick up my things. 

ME: Sometimes it takes a thunderstorm before things can clear up. You tried by staying and waiting? That's exactly my point. That never should have happened before fixing the real issues at hand and that can't happen when we jump back into a relationship before actually resolving the real issues. Maybe we should have taken a break and worked on ourselves first, but we didn't. We went right back into the same unhealthy patterns. For once, actual hear what I am saying to you.

HIM: Wow. You should have thought of this before allowing us to get married. I did a lot of things for us. It didn't work out, that's it. We have to look at our mistakes and move on. You don't seem to get that. Look, if this whole meeting is going to be about this and you arguing, then I'm not doing it. I will schedule a time with (friend) to pick up my clothes and other belongings since you are going to make this difficult. 

ME: I didn't bring this up before we got married because I was just as blinded and in denial as you were. This whole situation has made me see that we both need to work on ourselves before working on any relationship. You take this as arguing and it's not. Why can't you see that I am just expressing how I feel? I'm in no way portraying an argument. It's called explaining my viewpoint to you. This is what I meant about you not being open to what I'm saying. You always take it the wrong way and I am honestly speaking from my heart. You gave up on us, simple as that, without a real effort. Going back in a relationship where no issues were actually addressed or resolved is not trying. It's only putting off what actually needs to happen to fix things for good. 

HIM: They have been addressed but never got fixed. We are the issue. 

ME: They were never addressed. Our issues are with ourselves. Don't you see that?

HIM: Our issues are with each other. 

ME: Oh, it's just so much deeper than that. I was unhappy with myself and insecure, which lead to my controlling and pushy ways. You bottle up everything and eventually blow up, which lead to your moods and your negative outlook on things. These are things that can't be solved while in a relationship. I wish you could just look deeper into things. We both have abandonment issues, whether you think so or not. My birth parents gave me up for adoption and I lost trust in men over the years, even my own father at one point. You lost your father, your grandmother, who you were closest with and blamed yourself. Then, not having you son with you kills you, no matter how much you want to deny that. There was a lot that made us behave the way we did. Since we stayed together, we displayed these negative behaviors to each other and it created a very unhealthy pattern. I want us to identify these issues, but while having time apart. Then when we love ourselves enough, maybe we can be with each other or other people. All I have been asking you is not to write us off until we try this. 

HIM: I'm sorry but me continuing with you is putting my life and seeing my son at risk. I'm not worried about the bigger picture. 

ME: We both have a lot at risk.

HIM: You have less to risk than I do.

ME: It's not about who has more to lose. We are both equally important people that seriously need to fix these issues. We both deserve to be happier people and to not be in so much pain. I am not the main cause of your pain. We were both unhappy with ourselves. That's what was toxic when we were together. You always say how I am a great woman and I feel also feel that you are a great man. If we could learn to be happier, we could make it together or with other people. I still love you and even if you don't end up with me, I would want you to find happiness in yourself so that you can be a better person for even the next person and your son and others in your life. You are upset almost every day about work. Even bad drivers set you off more than the average person. 

HIM: Um, those things set anyone off. You are now pointing the finger when you do the same exact thing, except I cope with it. You just smoke cigarettes. 

ME: I have been reading the bible and considering going to a church for independent counseling and guidance. I also looked up support groups. 

HIM: Well that's good for you. I'm proud of you.

ME: I know I have my issues. I get jealous because I am insecure and I'm pushy because I have controlling behavior. I have to fix that. You are angry a lot and your moods sometimes get the best of you. You have the headaches and you shut down to everyone. You bottle up all of your hurt and anger and yes, I cope with things by smoking. Neither is healthy. When are you going to see that I really do love you and want the best? When are you going to see that we both need this if we are ever going to be truly happy?

HIM: I am angry because of you. I have been happy and fine after I left. 

ME: Have I ever intentionally tried to hurt you? My hurting you was a result of my own issues. There were times that I would be so good to you, but you would walk through the door pissed as if I did something. I can list so many examples of fits that you had that did not relate to me at all. Did I push you at times and make your anger worse? Absolutely, and I just told you why. I have issues that need to be worked out too. Stop denying you have things to work on also. It does not make you a bad person. It makes you a better person for wanting to change. Even in the beginning, there were signs. You would refuse to even talk about your dad. You got jealous about my friend Thomas for no reason. Those were unhealthy habits, just to name a few. I also had a lot of unhealthy habits that I can list. 

HIM: Thanks, keep pointing the finger. 

ME: But I want to fix them. You know deep down, you have to work on a few things too. Let's even say for example, it was only me with issues. At least if you loved me, you would give me time to work on them. 

HIM: I'm not pointing out the countless faults and issues that you had. 

ME: Please stop getting defensive. You are doing it right now. I am blaming BOTH of us...not for being bad people, but for needing to work on things. My issues are plentiful: jealousy, trust, insecurity, controlling behavior, etc. and I want to change. I want to also know that you love yourself and me enough to work on your issues and to give me time to work on mine. I was abusive to you and you to me, but in different ways. By taking your keys and holding you hostage, that was abusive. By belittling me for things such as the online games or t.v. shows I liked and the fact that I had sleep issues that were not my fault, that was abusive. It's like we criticized each other when we were supposed to be supporting each other always and act as a team. I should have always given you space when you needed it. You should have always allowed me to like the things that I liked. Those are just some examples. It was not okay how we treated each other and we both got into these awful habits. I love you and told you that I would never give up on us, even if that means being separated for awhile to work on our issues. Why am I not worth that to you? Just please think about everything I'm saying without having anger. My words to you right now are out of pure love. 

HIM: I still need to pick up my stuff. Are you going to allow me to do that?

ME: So you are completely disregarded everything I just said to you?

HIM: I need an answer on my question.

ME: Yes, I am not going to keep you from getting your stuff. I would like an answer on my question too, please.

HIM: I am not disregarding. 

ME: I appreciate that. Do you think this is something we can try?

HIM: No, I'm sorry.

ME: So you are open to nothing I've said...

HIM: No.

ME: Then I can't believe that you loved me. It was all a lie. You would rather make me feel like I am worthless to you, no matter what effort I take. 

HIM: You won't change. I'm not putting myself at risk for you. I'm sorry. Be happy we are still talking. 

ME: You don't know if I will change or not and if I don't, then all you would have to do is not get back with me. You don't even seem to realize that I am not asking you to be with me during this process, so exactly how am I putting you at risk? That's a Hell of a scapegoat answer.

HIM: Be happy we are talking. I'm getting to the point that I don't think you will allow me to get my things and I am going to have to start buying new clothes and other things. 

ME: You are so utterly unfair and uncaring. I just said you can get your things. Since you are unwilling to listen to what I have to say without openness, then you can have the easy way out and not have the talk. This is really unfair and flat out hateful. You and your excuses and your blaming and not taking any responsibility...you won't even give me an opportunity to see what could happen. EVEN BEFORE you decide to go through with the divorce or not. It's sickening to my stomach that you can do this and feel that you've made the right choice. And be happy that we are talking? This must give you some sort of rise to make me feel horrible and to kick me when I'm down. You lost a good woman who really has the desire to change to better herself and you could care less. That's real love right?

HIM: Here is the typical you.

ME: Yes, it is me. Upset and hurt and I have every right. Here's the typical you...uncaring, shuts off feelings and doesn't open his eyes to someone being genuine and wanting a better healthier relationship. 

HIM: I have given you/us chances. I have come back, stayed, moved to a new house, got married, nothing has changed. Nothing will change. My decision has been made and is final. Good woman? Yes, you are, but we are not good together. Get it through your head and for once listen to me. I have even tried to go to other rooms when you were angry to let things settle, you already said you would let me do that, but never did. You resorted back to your old ways. 

ME: And for once, listen to me. You have done those things you mentioned and so have I. I also forgave you for things too, but you fail to see my point no matter how many times I say it. 

HIM: It's over and YOU need to finally understand that.

ME: Yes, I know. That's my point. Omg, I did that because I needed to not say it but actually seek counseling for my issues to resolve the root of my controlling and jealous behavior, but telling you this one hundred times still doesn't get to you.

HIM: You have forgiven things that you pushed me to do. You will never believe that. I'm tired of this and that's it. 

ME: You cannot blame me for pushing you to do everything you did. There you go again. You will never take responsibility. It's ALWAYS me. 

HIM: You had opportunities to fix a lot of things. You chose not to. I'm not holding your hand. Do it now for someone else, but I'm out of this picture.

ME: That's pure denial. Mostly me? I can agree to that but you had issues too. I guess getting upset about my friends or criticizing me for things I liked and being grumpy towards me even when I did nothing wrong...sure those were all my fault. 

HIM: Yes I can blame you because I actually tried to let things calm down but you persisted. It's like a waste of time explaining this to you.

ME: And I never asked you to hold my hand. I asked you to at least see that I want to do this myself and try for me and us, but it's just not worth it to you. Everything was my fault, and you initiated nothing. You can think that. 

HIM: Who said everything?

ME: I said you cannot blame me for everything you did and your next message said, Yes, I can. 

HIM: I never stated you started everything. I stated that you would persist after I would leave to let things settle. 

ME: And that's what I am saying to you, is that I know this and would like to seek counseling because I need to figure out why I do it and how to change this. I want to seek help. You just don't believe in me, you never have. So I have to believe in myself. I even said we should be separated through this process, but you don't understand what I am saying or how that is a good thing. Jesus, you are not losing anything. If you don't see improvement, it's still your choice not to get back with me. You are so closed off and difficult right now and nothing I say matters to you. That's what really saddens me the most. 

HIM: I've said we can be friends. I can't predict what might happen in the future. All I can do is move forward. We MIGHT get back together or meet other people or be happy alone. Right now marriage is not the solution. 

ME: No, right now divorce is not the solution. To remain married is in question, but if you are going to be treating me so hurtful and not have faith in me and support me, then it kind of makes things impossible. 

HIM: Look, Sunday I need to pick up my things. You can say what you have on your mind. 

ME: And let me explain to you that regardless, you can get your stuff with no problems. Bring (friend) or whoever. And regardless, I will still seek help whether you support me and have faith in me or not. So if you feel the need to lie to me just to get your stuff, there is no point. You will get it with no issues from me. But if you are genuinely willing to rethink the divorce and remain respectful and supportive to me through this process, then I would be happy and grateful. Either way, I need honesty because it will not change you being able to get your stuff. In fact, I can have most of it ready for you.

HIM: That would be great. Just don't lift the heavy stuff because of your surgery. 

ME: So that's not answering anything. 

HIM: Also, I would like to have the Roku box since you will be keeping the Boxee and the Xbox games you bought. I will also bring you back the PSVita. 

ME: It's your Boxee, your Roku and your Vita. You really don't want to remotely fix anything. This is getting ridiculous. You cannot answer the important questions, only the questions about your stuff. Sit back and look at how you are coming across to me.

HIM: The last message was not a question. I agreed to listen to what you have to say.

ME: Well because of this whole thing, I have basically said most of it already in these messages. I asked you for the opportunity to work through my issues while we stay friends and put the divorce off until we can see if progress is made and we can remain married. I know this would take time and if you don't think it is worth it, then tell me. If you will truly be my friend and stick this out with me, then tell me that. 

HIM: I am still going through with the divorce. There is no point staying married unless you are doing it for other reasons. If there isn't, the divorce should not affect us being friends and working through things. 

ME: What do you mean? That's the whole point of doing this is to work on what we need to save our marriage. You are completely closed minded about us resolving these issues. It's making me feel horrible like you just don't love me anymore. What is keeping you from holding off on this divorce until we can see if progress is made during our friendship period? I do not get you. '

HIM: I don't see the point. I am moving out and getting a new place. I'm staying married for ****s and giggles?

ME: It's not guaranteeing anything, only a possibility that things can work out and holding off on the divorce. Seriously, I am giving you an option that is safe for the both of us. I am your wife pleading that I want us to work on getting better to really fix things with ourselves and each other. Where do you get this whole ****s and giggles from? That makes no sense. Why can't it be because you love me and have hope that counseling and life changes can help us through this?

HIM: Being married is not safe, only for you in the long run.

ME: It's not safe for us to live together now as a married couple, but again you are missing my point. Yet, you love me and I am a great woman...Why do I keep trying to explain this to you? It's starting to become obvious that you don't love me and maybe you really just want to be single again. You are really hurting me. That's sad that you can act like you loved me for as long as you did. Ugh, I just don't even know what to say to you sometimes for giving up on me like this when I have agreed to better myself. Honestly, this feels like ****. You will never know this feeling. What will it take for you to drop the bitterness and see that I really want to embrace my faults and fix them?

HIM: Wow, can you stop. Please

ME: I just never thought you would treat me this way. Why can't you just be sensitive about any of this? Even a little. 

HIM: It's not hate. I am just tired of hearing it. I don't hate anyone unless they hurt someone close to me.

ME: I used to be close to you. That went away like nothing. I know I keep repeating this but I have so much pain and every day seems to get hardee. 

HIM: Harder, not hardee. That's a burger place.

ME: Usually I could laugh at that. 

HIM: You're laughing inside. Stop being so dramatic. Nothing is easy. It's the people that make it easier or harder. I'm sorry, but it's hard for both of us. I go to bed extremely early now just to get to work early and keep my mind busy. 

ME: I really wish you didn't give up on us so easy. This is a horrible nightmare for me. All of it. I really wanted you to give me time to work on some issues. I can't imagine not being able to wake up to you ever again or not having you around to make me laugh, or not being able to have our friends over and our barbecues or go places together. What I would give just to be in your arms and cuddle again. I ate for the first time yesterday in days. I have to force myself to do anything and crying seems to be as natural as blinking. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I try watching t.v. but find myself blankly staring at the screen. When I am on the computer, I am constantly on counseling and marriage web sites. I try to leave the house and all I hear are songs on the radio that remind me of you. When I see happy couples, it kills me. Eating is no longer an enjoyment, more of a necessity that I have to force myself to do. I wish you could believe how genuine I am about changing. I wish you loved me enough to see this through. 

HIM: Focus on other things. Things will get better...we won't have anymore fights, no more making mistakes or saying hurtful things. All will be better. 

ME: It's funny. All the things people tell me to do is much easier said than done. I just want to say, "Try going through this pain and see how easy it is for you. Try to pretend that everything is fine and will get better, when you know the truth....the person you love does not love you the same and you lost your best friend." So I will go about my days craving your companionship, knowing no one could ever make me laugh like you or feel comfort like you make me feel when I feel horrible. I'll spend forever wondering why you didn't give me that one last real chance to make a serious effort to change. I'll wonder that if you loved me, why didn't you support me through this and I'll wonder if you just completely fell out of love with me. I vowed never to give up and I am being forced to let you out of my life. Everyone says, follow your heart, but it is such a pointless venture. You really believe that I want to torture myself like this, but who would ever want to feel this pain? I'm empty, lost and so alone, even when there's tons of people around. I would do anything to make the hurt go away. I want my best friend back, the person I could tell my deepest thoughts and fears to. I just want you to hold me, tell me we will get through this together and that you will never stop loving me. They are sending me the wedding videos. I don't even want to watch them because I'll have to hear you say those vows you said to me. I can't describe this pain. It's more like gut wrenching Hell and utter misery. Things that we did together, all the memories haunting me that I can't force to leave my mind. It's pure misery and emptiness. 

HIM: Ugh.




And that, TAM, was my last conversation with him. I did not know how to respond to his "ugh." I feel worse now than I felt any of these days. I feel defeated, once again abandoned and completely lost in my own misery. I just had 'feminine' surgery, so unfortunately I really can't go out much, just for little things, as I am not supposed to be driving. So I am stuck in this Hell of a home, where we had all of our memories and where all these damn family pictures hang and where his smell lingers around. I feel so defeated. I have taken many steps back and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even wrap my mind around this.


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## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

I'm in this situation with my husband, him being the one with deep issues. 
I agree that you need to step back, as much as it will hurt. Obviously, texting him constantly isn't helping. Also, you need to SHOW him that you will change. That's what I had told my husband. He was really upset that I wasn't coming home until he proved to me he would change. It was because I was fed up of always forgiving him, believing that he would change, when he didn't. Maybe showing your husband that you are trying to change will help things. It's worth a try.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Oh, honey...this looks eerily similar to a breakup I had with an old boyfriend years ago. The pleading, the lack of response, the awful back and forth. I am sorry to say that the more you spoke, the worse it got. However, he has made it abundantly clear that he wants the divorce. I suspect it is waaaaaay too soon for him to even think about whether he could get back together...he has to cool off, and this conversation did not help. On the positive side, know that now is when things start getting easier...slowly but surely. 

Please, please do the 180. It will be difficult, but it is the one thing that will help you start healing. Don't end up like those on these boards who have been seoarated for 18 months and are still hoping their ex will come home. In 18 months, I want to see you happy with someone who loves you and understands the way you communicate! 

I have been separated 5 weeks and still cry every day, but then I come here and know that I am not really alone. The more time that passes with NC, the better I feel about my own strength. I miss my ex, it doesn't even feel right to call him an ex yet but he's gone so I am training my brain to think of him that way. Do you have plans tonight? If not, feel free to PM me, we can even chat somewhere if you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your going to have to stop blaming him. Any negative thing you say to him is going to explode. He will hold every word you use against him. Stop texting and contacting him. He agreed to be friends, so let it be that. He may give you another chance, but your pushing him away fast. He is extremely hurt and it takes a very long time to heal those wounds. The conversations you do have, keep them positive.

Start by helping yourself into getting help. Show him your getting help. When he comes to get his things, do NOT put any blame on him. Stay calm and say your sorry. You've got to own up to this and show him you will, even if it means letting him go through divorce. Many couples remarry. I've seen it many times. By all means, do not get back into those old bad habits.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

^ I agree with [I'minlove] :iagree: Don't blame him (even if he is really to be blamed) if you want him back. Your conversation is also very much reminiscent of those I had with my husband. Yes, it seems like he just want to throw the marriage just like that. 

My biggest mistake is to push my husband away - don't do the same thing. For now, agree with everything he says, if he just wants to get his stuffs, then let him. Now he says, he wants to be friends, work on from that, that's where you start. If you remain as friends, then this is your opportunity to prove to him that you have really changed and that 'you are not dangerous to live with.'

My husband had the exact same words to me!  And the first time he left, he really wants to stay as friends, but I didn't make the most of the chance. Because my husband is the type of person who is extremely conscious of how other people perceive him, so he said that I should always put a smiling face when I'm in front of people. BUT I was badly hurting inside and I cannot pretend and so sometimes I will lose the facade and this will embarrassed my husband in public.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I agree that your blaming him is just making things a lot worse. It's great that you're coming forward about your own faults but it seems like you won't do it without callin him out at the same time. Your dependency on him is obvious in this fashion. You feel like you need to pull him down with you because you're afraid to walk alone in self-admission.

Here's the thing... One thing I do notice though is that he is definitely not willing to admit to anything he has done wrong. He keeps blaming you and side-stepping by saying "we don't work." But really, that's his way of trying to make it sound easier on you than outright saying "you don't work for me." he doesn't want to make himself out to sound like an emotionless prick, but the fact is that many of his responses to you were just that. 

You really poured your heart out here to him and regardless of your situation, I feel like he really wrote you off in general. If you do a word count on text exchanges in that conversation it's basically you doing 90% of the communication and him trying to get away with saying as little as possible to you. Honestly, I don't care how pushy you have been, he at least owes his wife a little more than this poor conversation before hitting her with a divorce.

Listen, I know this is really hard for you to hear, and I don't know you at all, but just by reading your conversation exchange I have a really deep feeling that this is not the guy you are supposed to be spending the rest of your life with. Despite your insecurity issues (that you absolutely MUST work on no matter what), I think you are extremely good at communicating your feelings. And I think your husband is extremely poor at doing you the same justice... And I have a feeling that he is so stuck in his ways that no matter how hard you try you just may never get him to open up and be the person you need him to be. He seems too comfortable to just bottle things up and walk away from issues in hopes they will just solve themselves so he doesn't have to deal win them. He's basically "relationship lazy" - he doesn't want to work on you. It's easier to just blame you and let the drama die with your relationship. It actually speaks volumes about his character to me.

Honey, at this point I seriously think divorce may just be your saving grace window of opportunity to discover a new life with someone who actually cares about you and is compatible with your need for communication. This guy sounds like he's your complete opposite in how you as a person want to deal with issues. You need to find someone who is also up front and very forthcoming with communicating with you because that is how you are. The way I currently see it, I think you may have fell in love with a guy that's not really compatible with you on a long-term basis. His divorce initiative may in fact prove to be the best thing that ever happened to you one day. And I know that is a hard pill to swallow right now, but you seriously need to think about it for your own sake.

You need to love yourself enough to know you can make it without this man. You need to know there's another man out that that is willing to put the same energy into you as you put into him. This guy is not you soulmate I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> I looked up divorce support groups and will be contacting one next week. I really can't afford to see a paid therapist because since he has moved out, I have to pay more towards the house and rent. He did agree, however, to help me out with some of the bills until the end of the lease of this house, which I am very grateful for. Still, I will have to pay more than I usually would, which will put a financial strain on me. This is why I am trying to seek counseling through church organizations to help with costs.
> 
> Things seem to get better for me as the day progresses. It's just that in the mornings, it's the worst. After I wake up, it's like I am reminded all over again that he left and is never coming back.
> 
> Does anyone think that the reason he is not willing to try counseling and work with me through my independent counseling is because he just does not love me enough or do you think that he loves me a lot and just has lost faith that we could ever work out? I question this all the time.


Is his name on the bills and the lease?

Does he earn more than you do? If so what percentage of your joint income do you earn?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> I looked up divorce support groups and will be contacting one next week. I really can't afford to see a paid therapist because since he has moved out, I have to pay more towards the house and rent. He did agree, however, to help me out with some of the bills until the end of the lease of this house, which I am very grateful for. Still, I will have to pay more than I usually would, which will put a financial strain on me. This is why I am trying to seek counseling through church organizations to help with costs.
> 
> Things seem to get better for me as the day progresses. It's just that in the mornings, it's the worst. After I wake up, it's like I am reminded all over again that he left and is never coming back.
> 
> *Does anyone think that the reason he is not willing to try counseling and work with me through my independent counseling is because he just does not love me enough or do you think that he loves me a lot and just has lost faith that we could ever work out? I question this all the time*.


No one here could possibly know the answer to that. The outcome is the same no matter what his reason.

Sometimes we spend a lot of time looking for the motivation in people. But in the end, it's actions that count.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> I agree. I just wish the pain would stop for even a minute. I am trying everything. I just don't understand how he seems to be doing just fine, getting along with his life as if I was nothing special to him, meanwhile my heart aches every day. Either he hides his emotions very well or he just doesn't love me anymore.


If you have not seen him or spoken to him much, how do you know if he is doing well or not?


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

All of these comments are very true. Bottled Up, I was crying while reading your post. My best friend, Thomas, has been telling me for years that my husband does not give me the emotional support I need and that he never will and that there is someone else who will understand my emotions and be more supportive of me. My husband can be very much of a prick at times. That has always been his nature about handling problems. When he is happy, which for the past year has been very seldom, he is one of the sweetest guys ever and he knows what it takes to support me and even communicate his feelings. The big picture is that deep deep, I mean way deep down inside, in the very back of my mind, sometimes I feel that he was not the one for me. So hearing your post made me cry because the truth hurts. I don't want to admit that. 

But who is going to make me laugh like he did and who can I have the little funny jokes with that him and I only understood. We were so compatible in certain ways. I really feel like he is the one for me sometimes and other times I feel that he is my opposite. I am not really sure after our text conversation if he will still be coming over on Sunday. I am going to try to be as civil as possible. I don't care about him getting his stuff. I may have tried to prevent him from leaving me in the past, but I would never not give him his stuff. He's very paranoid. Sometimes he tells me that he does not trust me and that he thinks I will try to destroy him legally. I have not even thought about taking him to court for anything. We were married for such a short amount of time, I probably would not even qualify for alimony. The thing is, i don't want that. I don't want anything material from him. I've always financially held my weight and paid half of everything in this house since I have been with him. 

Anyway, I have to think deeply tomorrow and get my thoughts together as to what I will say to him and how I will discuss the issue without pointing fingers at him. After all, this is my journey for improving myself. He seems to think he doesn't have any issues. So therefore, I need to focus on talking about me and what I plan to do. I will mention what I would like to happen but if he only wants to remain as friends and still says he will get a divorce, I will bite my tongue and accept it. Maybe not mentally just yet, but I will not argue with him about it. 

I really wonder maybe down the road, if I can learn to love myself more and be a better person, I may not even want to give him the option to be with me...won't that be shocking and satisfying to me. Honestly, he is showing me more and more that I am very disposable and that my effort means nothing to him right now. If he keeps this up, then I definitely know I will resent him for not taking out marriage and relationship to heart and letting it go so easy. Maybe one day (even though its really not fathomable) he will want me back but I will be a happier person and I will already be involved with a guy that's ten times better than him. 

I'm just having a moment of wishful thinking. This is terribly hard for me. I love him and I don't know how to stop. My plan going forward is to sort out what I will say tomorrow and try to come across to him in a positive manner. After I get through with this, I will come out a better person and he will be the one who missed out because I am a good woman. I had my issues, but I loved him so hard and always tried to put a smile on his face. I cooked meals for his special little diet every day, cleaned this house with no help from him, always watched the things he wanted to watch, made sure every holiday he had what he wanted. I treated him great despite the issues I had with my behavior. I have to keep reminding myself that he will be the one to miss out eventually. 

He can keep his negative attitude and his grumpiness and his lack of culpability and his stubbornness for someone else that is willing to deal with it. Little does he know, he will never be in a healthy relationship until he can fix himself too. He has always blamed all of his ex's, but never took responsibility. He will be doing that for the rest of his life if he doesn't get help. At least I will make sure that I become a better person and I can own up to my faults. 

I'm sorry, this is more venting right now than anything. Sorry if I sound really bitter. It's just that I kind of am. I'm very resentful toward him and I am going to try to let these feelings go by Sunday. Sigh.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

D&D,

I get what you were trying to tell him. You put yourself out there and tried to get him to see what both of you contributed to the problems. You tried to get him to see a solution that could keep the two of you together.

There is really nothing more you can say to him right now. He’s not ready to hear it. I don’t know if he will ever be ready to hear it. 

You really do need to start protecting yourself emotionally. 
I highly suggest that you start treat him according to the 180. See the link to it in my signature block below. The purpose of the 180 is to protect yourself emotionally. Just be cheerful when you and if you talk to him or see him. But otherwise do not go out of your way to communicate with him. Focus on yourself. Get the help you need.

I have some suggestions for when he comes to get his things on Sunday. 

Don’t have yet another talk with him. It’s not going to go any better than the one you had today. It’s not worth the aggravation. Look how you feel now for having tried to talk to him.
Here are three ways to handle it….

1) If you have any friends or family members who can help you, get them to help you put all of his thing outside of house. Just send him a short text on Sunday saying that to be helpful you have put his things outside so he can just load them up and take them. If he wants to go in the house for anything else just tell him no. He can email/text you a list of anything he forgot and you will make another appointment when he can pick it up. This will limit your exposure to him. It will also let him realize what leaving you really means. Right now he most likely feels like he’s in the driver’s seat.

2)	Ask a couple of friends and/or family members to be with you when he comes to get his things. Just hang out in a room with them talking, etc. Ignore your husband and his friend as much as you can. Also be as cheerful as you can when you talk to them. But limit the time you do talk to your husband and ignore him as much as you can.

3)	If you trust him not to rip off or destroy your things, just don’t be home when he gets his things. Go out with friends and/or family. Text him something like…

“Hey I’m going out with friends. Just let yourself in and get your things. Please be out of my house by 5pm. (set a time limit that he can be in the house.. it’s your home now, not his. Enforce that.)​Do the 180 and protect yourself emotionally. This is especially important since you are recovering from surgery.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Good suggestions EleGirl... I have one more though... 

Make actual plans to go out with some friends right after the time your husband is supposed to be coming over. This way when he arrives you are already too busy to engage him b/c youre doing your hair and getting dressed up to look sexy. Dont act strange to him at all, just greet him at the door with a friendly "hey, come on in" and "i'll just be getting dressed while you grab your things... Just try to be done by x:xx (time) because I need to be out the door by then." This will send a few messages to him that:

1) He doesn't need to worry about you nagging him with a conversation because you are no longer interested in discussions any more
2) your lack of interest in engaging him is a play of your independence as a strong woman who doesn't depend on him any more
3) as he packs up and you are doing yourself up and getting sexier by the minute, he gets a glimpse of the hottie he's about to give up on
4) the fact that you have a timeline to be out the door means you have a more important and pressing deadline than his, therefore putting you in the driver seat and relegating him to be back burner now. You are now in control

if you do all this and he doesn't seem the slightest bit intrigued or engaged, don't sweat it... Rest assured you will have given him plenty to think about after he leaves. Then go out wih your friends and have a great time and don't wait for him to call... Just focus on pampering yourself to a good time with good company
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> D&D,
> 
> I get what you were trying to tell him. You put yourself out there and tried to get him to see what both of you contributed to the problems. You tried to get him to see a solution that could keep the two of you together.
> 
> ...


This is fabulous advice along with the following post from BottledUp. You've got to be as positive as possible, even if your hurting!

I know this is hard, but you really have to keep your cool when he gets his things. If you think you can't do it, then its best to leave. If you stay keep conversations positive. Don't talk about your relationship right now unless he brings it up. He clearly states what is going to happen. He has not thrown in the towel yet, I don't think. By him staying friends and saying there is a possibility to reconnect is a good sign. By all means, do not point out any of his faults. 

I've been on your husbands end, but for 2 years. I most likely would of stayed if he knew how horrible he treated me and he sought help with in the first year. He denied everything and put all the blame on me. I did nothing wrong to be treated like that. After two years, the damage was well done. I would not even be friends with him. He never got help and is so much worse 18 years later. 

Use this as a major life lesson. Please stick to your guns and get yourself therapy regardless what happens. You already made a huge improvement by recognizing what has happened. 

Good luck. You will get through this!


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

D&D, I'm not trying to give you false hopes, but I can feel that your situation is really fixable. But I agree you have to play it cool and u really have to show him that you can change.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This situation is what annulments were designed for: when one partner lacks the self control and maturity to be a responsible spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I am not sure after our talk if he will still come by on Sunday, but if he does, I've decided that I will probably don't even need to have a talk with him. I should just give him his things and try not to show my sadness or resentment. I truly believe that he only is interested in getting his things. I think he dreads having a talk, so I am not going to push that. I've said all I could really say to him, even if it had to be by text. 

Today I am in so much pain, just trying to cope the best I can. The worst part of the day, by far, is waking up with him not here and then realizing this is still really happening. It's like while I am sleeping, I am able to forget about everything for just a moment, then when I wake up, the harsh reality sets in again and again and again. Bandit, I am assuming you were referring to me lacking self control and maturity. Do you also believe that he lacks the maturity to discuss things without shutting my feelings down?


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Ok, so I know that some people will probably criticize me for doing this, but I texted him, ONLY to find out if we were still meeting tomorrow. I want to be mentally ready for it. The conversation was actually pretty calm and mature. 

ME: Hi, I just want to be clear on tomorrow to see if you are still coming by. I've been thinking about it and I just want to figure out the best plan for both of us.

HIM: What do you mean? We talk, I pick up my things, with no fighting on Sunday night. I asked you to pick a time that works best.

ME: Well to be honest, I want this to be simple for both of us. If you feel like talking will not really serve any purpose, then maybe I need to be strong and just let you get your things. I don't want to keep making things worse. I am trying to respect what you want also. I've already said most of the things I wanted to say to you.

HIM: It's up to you. If you have something to get off your chest, I will respect that. I do not want to stay too late. 

ME: Well let me ask you this? Do you have anything to say tomorrow, or not really?

HIM: I do not.

ME: Ok, we can meet after 4pm or so if that's good for you. I am curious though how this whole friends thing will work between us. Do you think it will be smart for us to hang out occasionally as friends or do you not think that is a good idea? I am just wondering how you wanted to play out the whole friends thing.

HIM: I really hope that is possible. 

ME: I just hope that we can be friends without either of our emotions being compromised. 

HIM: I can't say that. We will see. 

ME: Ok, that is fair. I really want to respect what you want. I want to be able to be nice to each other and have good thoughts about one another. I am going to try my best. How is your day going so far?

HIM: I want that as well. I'm working, just doing a side job for a co-worker's PC.

ME: Ok, well I'll let you get back to that and I'll see you tomorrow. Is there anything else you want to pick up? Maybe you can give me a list so I can have some of the things packed for you. Also, I wanted to ask you a favor. Can I keep the Roku here for now. I have gotten really used to it. You would still have the Boxee and all. 

HIM: Not to be an ass. Please don't take it that way, but I was going to leave you with the Boxee and the PSVita and just take the Roku. I don't feel comfortable taking gifts that you bought me after all of this. 

ME: I don't think you are trying to be an ass, but think of it this way. If we are going to start off as friends, we both need to be mature and reasonable. There is no point of me having things that I bought you that I have no use for. We like the things we bought each other and it would be a huge waste of money. I mean all the clothes I got you should not be wasted, and the car jack! I would hate to be stuck with that thing after I move out lol. If we are truly going to work on being friends, then let's be mature and reasonable. Not to mention, let's not throw money down the drain. It's just that the Roku is more user friendly to me than the Boxee. I never really got into the Boxee. 

And to be technical, I got you some of the components that are in your computer. Are we going to sit there and pull pieces out? xD It just doesn't make sense. Let's go into this as friends and be reasonable. Let's be mature enough to work the simple things out. 

HIM: I am being mature.

ME: Well can we do that then? I have no use for a Boxee, PSVita, car jack, mens clothes, etc. We are friends. Let's not dwell on the past.

HIM: Ok

ME: Thanks 

HIM: You're welcome.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Ok, better...but still way too much relationship talk. After Sunday, pleeeeeeease go NC!!! It isn't easy, but I promise that it will make you feel stronger and more in control. Plus, imagine how surprised he will he when he stops receiving texts like these altogether? He won't know what the heck has gotten into you. That doesn't mean he will take you back, but over a few months, he may not be as afraid to talk to you. As for wanting to be his friend...do you honestly think you could handle this right now??? As a woman who fully understands your feelings right now, I can't see how you would he able to be around him without pining over him. I think you know that you want to be his friend because its much easier than letting him go entirely. The thing is, this attitude will keep you prisoner while he moves on. The best thing you can do is let go, and if he doesn't come back to you a year from now you will be glad he is out of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I totally see your point, but this is what I have in the back of my mind...What if we remain friends while I go through counseling and occasionally see each other just to have good times like we used to (Yes, there actually were good times lol). After say, for example, one year, what if he starts to see my progression and I do actually start getting better? Who knows what he would be willing to do at that point. 

I am just worried that if I cut him off completely and shut him out as even a friend, he won't even know the progress I've made and he will just become more distant from me. That scares me a lot. The reason I want to stay friends is because I want him to have an occasional reminder of me and my progress. 

I do, however, want for the counseling that I go through to help me with this process. For example, I don't want to be hanging out with my husband as friends one day and then end up sleeping with him. I mean, I do want to make love with him so bad, but I do know that I can't do that during my healing process because it is too emotional. I want to be able to cross these bridges in counseling.

All in all, I am scared not to have him as a friend. If I let him go completely, that's in essence exactly what I am doing...letting go of him completely. I don't feel I can do that yet, not at this point.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

If I let him go, a year from now he may think to himself, "I love her still and want to work things out, but I think she has gotten over me by now. Oh well."

Then where does that leave me??? Just because I pretended for a year to move on, does not mean that I wouldn't be open to working on things between me and him. But we would both never know the truth, and all could be lost


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Believe me, I understand tour reluctance to let go. I have known my husband for half my life, and can't imagine not having him around. But now one week into NC, I can see intellectually how it does me no good to hold out hope. How will you feel if a year from now you are in a much better place, but your H is dating someone else? You will feel as stuck as you do now. The most important progress you can make in IC is to learn to let go, so that you are able to be interdependent with your next guy, not codependent. I am struggling with this too. Right now your feelings are guiding your logic, and is HAS to be the other way around I'd you are going to be in a mature, real loving relationship with anyone. If your H were to come baxk, don't you think he would be more attracted to you if you didn't NEED him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I know for a fact that if I could work through my issues, we could be happy together forever. This is what keeps me in this situation I am in now of not wanting to give up. The only issues we have ever had in our relationship deal with our communication and the way we handle things, which come from our underlying issues. 

If we could only work through those issues, we could have something very rare and beautiful. It's hard to explain what me and him had. When we were good, we were great. 

This thought alone prevents me from being able to fully let go.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Myselfagain, I really really wish I could think the way you do. I know you are right, but yes my heart takes over my logical and rational thinking about all of this. It's too powerful and I can't seem to control some of my feelings.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> If I let him go, a year from now he may think to himself, "I love her still and want to work things out, but I think she has gotten over me by now. Oh well."
> 
> Then where does that leave me??? Just because I pretended for a year to move on, does not mean that I wouldn't be open to working on things between me and him. But we would both never know the truth, and all could be lost


#1: you can't pretend to move on. IC will help you learn to move on for real. Otherwise you will look back and know that you wasted months if not years of your life. If you want to hang on to someone who is leaving, then don't bother going to therapy. In order to get better, you have to want to get better and remind yourself of this every single day.

#2: if months or years from now he is still open to a future with you, he will contact you. once I dumped a guy due to bad timing and didn't think of him for 9 months. At that time I found myself single and called him up. I wanted him again, but he had moved on. To this day I regret this, but he is happily married. Do not assume that in a year you will even want him anymore...you could be happy with someone else, you just have to believe it even when its hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

The funny thing is that you CAN think the way I do. I am YOU! I can't stand that my H left and won't talk to me. I am incredibly sad and cry a lot. I miss him constantly and every little thing reminds me of him. BUT, I make a conscious decision literally every time he crosses my mind (which is like every 5 minutes) to read threads here or watch a Tony Robbins video to replace my pining thoughts with healthier thoughts. I wish I coykd hug you and tell you its easy, but it is not. What helps me get out of bed each day is the belief that someday I will be happy and yes even in love again. It may be many years from now but I hope not. The more I tell myself its going to happen, the more open I am to healing. It is still too early for me to say that I would never take my H back. But I see others here who are saying this after just 2-3 months, gradually becoming happier with themselves and knowing that they deserve better. This reminds me that I too can do it. I may check these boards ten times a day, but who cares if it is helping me get through each day? You and I can commit to doing this together, to leaning on each other when we feel weak. To focusing on guys like bandit, proud and canguy, who represent all the things we want and a man and will someday find.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

D&D you are clearly uninterested in working on yourself. You only want to get him back. Unfortunately, no one canexplain to you how to be happy with yourself. Like someone else said, you cant pretend to be better. Your situation will take at the very least a lot of time. You have to make getting better the goal, not getting to a point where he will take you back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

you said before that if you could work on your issues, all would be golden. But is it true that you we the only one with issues? Even if he really has it all together and is the perfect man and the entire relationship really fell apart because of your personal issues, he does have one massive flaw: he doesn't want to put the time and effort into working on the relationship. He doesn't want to do the hard hard work of learning new ways to communicate with you. He thinks that he cam find someone who understands him and won't argue with him the way you do. Even if that's impossible, its his decision to try. Personally the next man I want in my life is one who can commit to learning how to communicate feelings and is self-aware. As much as I love my H, he has no idea how to do either of these things and that's why he ran away...he is a coward. When things got tough he wimped out. He isn't a man, he is a boy, and I deserve better. As sad and depressed as I feel, the stress in my life has diminished because I am no longer living with someone who treats me like his mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

MrsAmazing, I don't know what gives you the impression that I don't want to work on myself. I know I have issues that will not allow me to be happy in any relationship going forward, with my husband or someone else. Considering he only left a week ago from today, I am still, yes, wanting him back and may still feel like this months down the road. I do want to get to a place where I don't have these feelings and can eventually move on, but it is hard not to have the feeling of hope for us to work out one day. 

Myselfagain, I do know that he has issues too, but he doesn't want to realize them and work through them. His way of dealing is just bottling things up and moving along and ignoring it. I can't force him to seek the counseling he needs. I will admit that most of the issues stemmed from me and overall he was a good guy. This is what makes this all so hard. 

I do believe that there is someone out there that can support me better emotionally and be able to understand me better. Yet, that is so hard to fathom because this is all still a fresh experience for me. 

I think what I miss the most about him is the relationship we shared when things were good, the people we both were when things were positive between us and the moments when we actually were truly happy.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

D&D, every time you text a conversation with your husband you treat it as an opportunity to exploit massive amounts of detail. Look at his replies to you... He's giving you he bare minimum AT BEST. Your are talking to this guy wayyy too much when it is obvious he doesn't want to engage you hardly at all. You're trying too hard even still... Youre so desperately trying to convince him that you are going to work on yourself that you're turning it into a courtroom trial's worth of words in order to make your case to him sound convincing. Here's the kicker though... Every time you engage him with these verbose on conversations you actually achieve the opposite effect of your intent... You are still showing him that you are loaded with all his drama and you are so inexorably dependent on his validation of you that you just can't help yourself.

Do you want to achieve some REAL results with him??? Start learning how to talk to him the way he talks to you. Give him the bare minimum words to convey your point. Don't ask him anymore questions to figure out how he feels, because that shows him you still care. This guy has you wrapped around his finger and he knows it and he's using it against you every step of the way. If and when he actually initiates a text or speaks to you, stop trying to exploit it as an opportunity to get into his mind... Just give him the bare freakin minimum replies and be amystery to him. Let him be curious for once and try to figure YOU out.

You are playing yourself right into his agenda every time you engage him... You spill a ton of dialogue on him and he uses that against you to paint you as "dramatic" and that is the excuse he's using to divorce you. The only chance you have at getting him back is actually trying to move on from him for real, and hope that maybe he'll miss you over time. But one thing is for sure... He is makin it super obvious to you that he does not share your desire to talk in detail any more... So stop wasting your breath already and just give him the same treatment he gives you. 

Don't worry about being friends... You cant handle it. You're way too attached to his hip to ever treat a friendship simply as a friendship. All you'll ever do in his presence is continue to look for windows of opportunity to get back into his life, you'll probably make a move on it before he's ready, and you'll continue to push him away. You'll never achieve what you want that way... You're just foolin yourself.

The only way to see if you'll come back to each other is if you actually put some distance between yourselves. If it was meant to be then it will be, but you need to accept the fact that you two might just not be meant for each other. And guess what??? If that's the case YOU WILL BE OK. You cannot force this guy to love you, so give him space. It really is your only option at this point anyway. 

There's a guy out there that wants to love you the way you need to be loved. If you focus hard enough, you may just find him...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Bottled Up, you are very right about everything. He knows that he has me desperate and wrapped around his finger. I personally don't think that he seeks enjoyment out of it, I think he just finds it disgusting and sad. I think it makes him think of me poorly. 

I know I have to stop this. Of all the advice I receive on here and from friends and family, I know all these people can't be telling me the wrong thing. It's just that God, it is so hard putting it all into action and actually believing in it. 

My main problem now is how to figure out how to want to get better for myself and not just so he can eventually take me back. The truth is, he has mentally moved on already, and I haven't. I guess this just shocks me and baffles me because I wonder how you love someone and recover so quickly. I will never be able to understand that. Maybe I'll never understand that.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

When he comes by tomorrow, I think I will try to make it as quick as possible. I will let him get his stuff and I will not cause a scene. However, it would be nice to get one last hug.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> When he comes by tomorrow, I think I will try to make it as quick as possible. I will let him get his stuff and I will not cause a scene. However, it would be nice to get one last hug.


Just realize you want that last hug from him because you don't want to let him go. But for your own good, you are actually better off NOT getting that last hug from him. Consider that your first test to moving on... If you can restrain yourself from that hug then you will have already achieved your first result in helping yourself become a more strong and independent woman.

In fact, I CHALLENGE you not to hug him!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Lol, oh no, a challenge. I am very competitive. I guess my hug is more of a peace offering and yes, to satisfy the one last time in his arms. I know that sounds crazy, but for me it will fulfill something in me. I have tattooed it in my mind that most likely, he is not going to come back to me, but I feel like having that hug would put me in a state of knowing, Ok, this guy does love me and even though it will never work out, he still cared about me at one point, as twisted as that sounds...


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

As I read my own post from above, I realize that me needing that clarification just shows how utterly dependent I am on him and not myself. This is what I want to someday fix. 

I pray that I can achieve that.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Devastated I read the first couple of post from you but not the responses. Let me tell you what I think. 

Your relationship had more bad than good for an extended period of time. When that happens, someone falls out of love. It seems your husband reached the tipping with recent events and closed the door on the relationship. 

When he tells you there is a chance for you two to get back together he is trying to placate you so that you don't give him a hard time. He is being honest with you, he wants out and he will not come back into your life. 

The conversation that you shared in your post probably convinced him he is doing the right thing if he had a sliver of doubt. If this is how you two have been communicating, I can see why. 

Let me honest and say that you seemed to steamroll him with aggressive words. You did not acknowledge that you heard him or validate what he said. The conversation focused on you and what he did that was wrong in your eyes. 

It was difficult to read because it was so overwhelming. I think that you should let this go and work very hard on yourself. Get to the bottom of your problems and solve them. 

You should have no problems attracting men. The problem will be keeping one if you don't solve your problems. Start now by not contacting him unless it is business, Don't be friends, distance yourself and get on with working on you. 

Take this relationship as a crash course in what not to do.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Catherine, reading your post gave me one of the worst pit in my stomach feelings I have had through this whole experience because I know you are right. I know he fell out of love with me at some point and I know he truly believes he has made the right decision for his own good. I guess that's what makes this all so hard, knowing I messed up the opportunity for myself, the opportunity of happiness with the only man I've ever loved up to this point in my life. I destroyed that myself and it makes me very angry with myself. 

I feel like such a toxic disease. He is relieved to get rid of me and he probably feels that leaving me was the best choice he ever made. That makes me feel so bad about myself. I am a person who he is happy without. I am a person that is toxic and has a lot of issues. It just makes me feel very depressed, unwanted, pitiful. 

I did this to myself and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> When he comes by tomorrow, I think I will try to make it as quick as possible. I will let him get his stuff and I will not cause a scene. However, it would be nice to get one last hug.


Do not reach out for a hug, let him hug you if he wishes. Play it cool and aloof, and he will leave wondering what changed in you. Then come here and let us know how you did!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Devastated- knowing and accepting is painful. But just imagine if you spent years trying to win him back. There would be a thousand wounds instead of one. You would realize after wasting years that you should have moved on in the beginning. 

It is easy for me to see it and recognize what is happening. I am not emotionally involved. If I were in the middle of this situation I am certain I would do exactly what you are doing. 

Hoping. That is so basic to human nature that it is impossible to not go to it as a first resort. But knowing now and accepting will put you on the difficult road of recovery. It will be difficult but it will be worth it.

You have avoided doing what you need to do to become whole - now you have the strongest incentive to do the work. Your goal is to find a man and have a healthy loving relationship.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He is not glad to get rid of you. He tried to stay for years. He ran out of emotional energy. 

You are beating yourself up. You need to treat yourself with tender loving care like you would a friend who came to you with a problem. 

You did the best you could given what you had to work with. This is not the end of love for you. It can be a new beginning if you let it. Castigating yourself will not help you meet your goal.

You want to do the work that will get you ready for a healthy loving relationship. Start now don't waste a moment on beating yourself up.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

This is how I feel right now. 

I love you so much and I hate your guts at the same time, 
How is that even possible?
I love you for making me realize that I could love again,
I hate you for deserting me,
I love you for making me laugh every single day I was with you,
I hate you for bottling all of your emotions inside,
I love you for wrapping your arms around me when I felt hurt and alone,
I hate you for being able to dispose of me so easily,
I love you for buying me flowers for no reason at all,
I hate you for my loss of appetite, sleep and happiness,
I love you for teaching me things throughout our relationship,
I hate you for taking away my trust and faith in you,
I love you for listening to my deepest darkest secrets, 
I hate you for using my deepest darkest secrets against me,
I love you for being a part of so many of my beautiful memories,
I hate you for contributing to the worst day of my life,
I love you for making the commitment to me that you would never leave,
I hate you for breaking that commitment.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You have to let all your hate go before you talk to your husband. You are still putting a lot of blame on him when your previous actions drove him away. That's why it's so important to get help. You can not find happiness within another person, you can only find happiness within yourself. This is applies to everyone.

In the mean time, is there a hobby you enjoy that will take your mind off all of this. A hobby or staying busy will help follow the rules of a 180 concept. You really need to follow the 180 rules, they are here somewhere. I'm posting from my mobile device, which makes it really difficult to navigate. Search up the 180 rules on here. 

If he comes by today at 4pm to get his things, do not say one single negative word. You need to build up trust with him. Right now, he sees you as a venomous snake ready to strike, so he is extremely cautious with his guard up.

No more relationship talk until you have worked on yourself. If you want him back, the only chance you have is listening to the advice above. Good luck today, let us know how it goes.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

So he came over today. I believe we made great progress, not relating to getting back together, but to go forward in a healthier situation, whatever that may bring. I had his things ready for him when he got here and he packed all of his things in the car. The tension and awkwardness was definitely there. 

As he was about to leave, I asked him if we could talk for a few moments, and he was willing. We actually spoke to each other very genuinely. There was no animosity or holding back. It was an emotional talk, but rather than profusely crying like I normally would, I gained control and only felt my eyes swelling up a little at times. That was very hard for me, but I was proud of myself for controlling my emotions. There was no arguing, no blaming, no begging to work things out. We talked productively and we both agreed that we do not know what the future brings but that we will decide to remain friends and work through our issues. I even explained to him that even IF there was a chance to reconcile, it would be a long time from now because I do genuinely want to better myself in many different ways. 

We did hug, and I know people will criticize me for that, but it felt right and it was not a "Oh, I want you back right now hug" It was more of a "I care about you and we will both get through this hard time" We even were able to smile and joke a little with each other. When he left, he asked for his wedding ring back so he could wear it on his necklace. He let me know that he still wants to see me and be friends through this process. I want the same, as much criticism as I may receive for that. When he left, he said, "Well we will be texting each other soon so....

I told him, "How about you text me when you want to talk" He agreed and left. 

I think that we made a lot of progress. I feel great about our whole talk, even knowing that we still may not ever be together again. I am still 100% focused on getting the help I need and I think he will even seek his own form of counseling, whether it be through reading books or talking about the situation more to help analyze himself more. I am proud of both of us. I have a sense of peace in me that I did not have since we broke up.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm really impressed. I really wish you the best! 

I think you are moving in the right direction. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and we always have life lessons to learn.

Him asking for his wedding ring back is good news. Now, you need to work on yourself and take very small baby steps rebuilding your friendship with him.

My husband and I were best friends before getting married. We are each others best friend to this day 13 years later.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Thank you so much. I promise myself that I will take this whole process seriously and slowly. I may never be perfect, but I will learn how to love myself more and control my emotions. As far as my husband and I, I think we really connected emotionally today for the first time in a long time. I don't want to predict what will happen with us, I will just have to give it time and focus on me meanwhile. As hard as it is to say this, this whole situation may be one of the best things that ever happened to me because I think I will be able to learn a lot and come out stronger from this. 

I am astonished about all of the kind words, support, care, criticism, and concern that people on here, who don't even know me, have given me through this process. I want to be able to share my progress with those who helped me through these really hard days so that they know exactly how much they helped me through this. If I had tried to figure things out on my own, I doubt I would have the mind frame that I do now.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I also think you did great today, and are making progress. Keep going in this direction. I too would be a mess without everyone here...they show me each day that no matter what happens, I am in control and have the power to be happy. It is a long process though and like you, I am just beginning! We will go through this together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> Catherine, reading your post gave me one of the worst pit in my stomach feelings I have had through this whole experience because I know you are right. I know he fell out of love with me at some point and I know he truly believes he has made the right decision for his own good. I guess that's what makes this all so hard, knowing I messed up the opportunity for myself, the opportunity of happiness with the only man I've ever loved up to this point in my life. I destroyed that myself and it makes me very angry with myself.
> 
> *I feel like such a toxic disease. He is relieved to get rid of me and he probably feels that leaving me was the best choice he ever made. That makes me feel so bad about myself. I am a person who he is happy without. I am a person that is toxic and has a lot of issues. It just makes me feel very depressed, unwanted, pitiful.
> 
> I did this to myself and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.*


OK so I read all of your posts and most of the replies. I did that because your relationship reminds me soooo much of mine, the relationship that eventually caused me to seek out TAM. Just consider tho that I (male) was in your boots and my eventual WS was in your H's.

The long conversation that you brought to us I could have had verbatim. What I bolded above I know for 100% certainty I felt.

It was allllll my fault. 


And then I realized it wasnt.

For me, what I realized was that it was not wrong of me to express myself, just like you did. I was wrong in that I was expressing myself to a person who had no ability to offer anything else up to the table then one word or few word answers.

I realized that I did need to change my ways. That I had issues that needed to be resolved. I first thought that I was doing it for her... so she could see me as a changed person. That was wrong. That was a huge mistake.

I had to change what I didnt like about myself for me. You have heard that before on this board. It is sound advice.

What I would also suggest to you is thinking about what you want in a partner. Do not romantize your H when you do so tho. Give him a blunt assessment just like you did yourself.

I have a feeling that you will come to the same conclusion I did. He is far more toxic for you then you are for him. His inability to function like an emotionally healthy adult is far worse IMO. What he did in that entire long convo that you posted was deflect any attempt on your part to have a healthy, normal mature conversation. You might have been wrong in trying to engage him in that, he was far more malevolent in his actions toward you. His inaction spoke volumes.

If this was his attitude toward you throughout your relationship, consider this.... He was pushing your buttons specifically to get a reaction from you so he could blame you and play the role of the victim.

Think about that. Think about what he, as he currently stands, is bringing to the table. Is that your idea of a partner?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

TBoy (I hope its ok to call you that!) hit it right on the nose. After 5 weeks of separation, I too see that my H ie lacking basic emotional skills...his answer to any question about feelings was "I don't know." Totally blocked my attempts at intimacy because I was always vulnerable and he never was. I knew him for 15 years, together 5, but I don't think I really know him the way I wanted to...and he doesn't really know me either. Not my deepest hopes, dreams and fears, the stuff I want to be able to share to be truly connected. That's why so many of us feel for you -- we have been there. We all deserve to be with mature partners!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> Thank you so much. I promise myself that I will take this whole process seriously and slowly. I may never be perfect, but I will learn how to love myself more and control my emotions. As far as my husband and I, I think we really connected emotionally today for the first time in a long time. I don't want to predict what will happen with us, I will just have to give it time and focus on me meanwhile. As hard as it is to say this, this whole situation may be one of the best things that ever happened to me because I think I will be able to learn a lot and come out stronger from this.
> 
> I am astonished about all of the kind words, support, care, criticism, and concern that people on here, who don't even know me, have given me through this process. I want to be able to share my progress with those who helped me through these really hard days so that they know exactly how much they helped me through this. If I had tried to figure things out on my own, I doubt I would have the mind frame that I do now.


Please remember those kind words take them into yourself. I don't think that events happen by accident. You called out in need and your call was answered. 

You need a different frame of reference. I think that you got what you needed. 

There may be days when you fall off the wagon, so to speak, but get up and go forward. Keep posting for support and let us know how you are doing.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Toronto Boy, your post really made me think. It made me think so much that I have been discussing it with my friend. I am so adamant about working through my own issues, no matter what. However, I have to be honest and say that I know that part of me wants to better myself so that he can see this and we can one day reconcile our relationship. I also know that if he can't even see his own faults or recognize what he has to work on, it can never work, no matter how I better myself. 

I will honestly say that 80% of me wants to better myself for me and my future happiness, but I do have that 20% of me that wants to change for him and I know how bad that is. 

Really looking back and analyzing my relationship with him, I realize he does have issues with communicating and opening up his true feelings. I, on the other hand am very vocal with my emotions. I think this is where we have always clashed. 

What you said in your post was very valuable to me and I will take heed to it. I have a long road of recovery ahead of me, but it seems like every day I am learning something new about this.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

When my ex h treated me badly, I did try to work it out. I tried for 1.5 years after we married. However, he never admitted he was in the wrong and always blamed me. It was truly him that was toxic. It was awful, but I did go to MC. He refused to go with me, so he went once on his own. He was trying to tell the MC that everything was my fault. The counseler saw what was going on and told me that he was unwilling to change and I needed to move on. I was not emotionally connected to him whatsoever due to his behavior, but he is also unfaithful, which you are not. I was 19 when I married, nearly 21 when I left. 17-18 years later he's worse then ever due to not getting help. I never once told him that I'd remain friends with him. 

You are willing to change. I hope your husband recognizes this. It appears that he does, but is keeping his guard up high. Taking his ring back and wearing on a chain tells me that your still in his thoughts. Keep up the great progress and keep moving forward. It doesn't appear he's given up quite yet. I do agree he needs to work on his communication skills. Pointing that out to him pushes him away. Building a friendship with your spouse is what needs to be done first for a successful marriage.

Hang in there. Everyone heals at their own rates. If this does not work for whatever reason, you will find love again. I know you might not think so now, but it's true. As a poster said above, you will not have issues finding a man who loves you.

Just remember when he calls or texts you to remain positive in your conversations. Try not to talk about your relationship and where it stands until he is ready, even talking about being friends. When you mention your relationship, he gets really defensive at this point.

Stay here and keep us posted. I would love to hear your progress.

Also, it took my now husband years to really fully open up to me. He did this on his own time. I am also much more vocal with my feelings, but that's the way women are. I have a sensitive husband, but he is not a big talker to others. Once he did open up to me, he tells me everything. We never fight, argued 1-2 times in the last 13 years, not yelling. We talk everything out and we compromise on our disagreements. It's me giving in more then he. I've never been pushy. I give him all the space he needs. When one of us is annoyed with each other, we back off and it passes in a day or two.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> Toronto Boy, your post really made me think. It made me think so much that I have been discussing it with my friend. I am so adamant about working through my own issues, no matter what. However, I have to be honest and say that I know that part of me wants to better myself so that he can see this and we can one day reconcile our relationship. I also know that if he can't even see his own faults or recognize what he has to work on, it can never work, no matter how I better myself.
> 
> I will honestly say that 80% of me wants to better myself for me and my future happiness, but I do have that 20% of me that wants to change for him and I know how bad that is.
> 
> ...



Take that 20% and focus it on what HE brings to your relationship. Not materialisticly, but emotionally. Mentally. That 20% should be used in a more healthy way IMO. What does your H do to meet your needs? What does he do that you cannot get anywhere else? What has he done to show you that he is capable of growth?

I do have one question for you... it was the first thing that popped into my mind when I read your entry....

Your self realization was very quick. Like a lightning bolt.

All of your issues, was it what HE said you lacked? Was this why HE said he needed to leave you? Did HE say it was your fault?

I am not going to go back and grab the section from your long convo post... but something jumped out at me...

He point blank blamed you for this a few times. You called him on it. He deflected that away...

"See that is just like you" or thereabouts. Where is his responsibility in all this? Where is his man'in up? 

I will not sit here and say that you don't have your issues. We all do to a certain degree. It is what makes us human. I have the sneaking suspicion that once you look back on your relationship with him...


The word manipulation will pop into your head. Big and neon.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

D& D, how are you today? Are you keeping busy?


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Myself Again, today hurts so bad. It's like I know I have to move on from this, but putting it into action is so incredibly hard. He texted me last night after our talk and we talked about random stuff. Then today I forced myself not to text him all day. After he got off work, he texted me to ask how I was doing and we had small talk, but then I relapsed. I sent him an email with a link to the song by Jason Mraz "I won't give up." He replied back and said that it was a beautiful song. I just left it at that. 

This kills me so bad. He told me he now wears his wedding band on his necklace. I asked him how he would feel if I still wore my rings. I am really afraid of people at my job noticing that I don't wear my rings and having to explain. I am not ready for that yet. People at my job are still asking me questions like, "How's married life?"

He told me that he would be okay with me wearing my rings. I am so hurt inside. This morning was really hard, I woke up and noticed he was still not here. I am trying to talk to friends, but there is not much anyone can say to me to make this pain go away. I wish I could say that today was better than yesterday, but honestly every day hurts. Every day is painful. It's like all these hours and days are passing me by and I am losing track of everything. 

Everyone tells me...talk to people, stay busy, do this, do that, but even when I do those things, I still break down and cry throughout the day. All I want to do is get through this immense pain. I know people tell me that it gets better over time, but then I read posts on here and see that some people still hurt incredibly bad even years after their separations. This is so painful. Every time I take steps forward, I end up taking steps back.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Toronto Boy, I thought really hard about our entire relationship and really tried to analyze all of our problems. When we first started dating, he was actually the one with jealousy issues. A good girlfriend of mine was coming into town only for a couple of days for work. She wanted us to get together for dinner. My husband, who was only my boyfriend at the time had some thought that I was going to dinner with some guy. I even invited him to dinner, but he refused. I ended up having my friend come over to prove to him that I really was with her. 

My husband never trusted a friendship I had with my friend Thomas. I have never been intimate with Thomas and always have seen him as a friend, we are very much alike. My husband always held this against me. When we fought, he would always say, "Well since Thomas understands you so much, why don't you talk to him?" He would always tell me that he didn't believe that me and Thomas were just friends. 

I did have my own issues with jealousy, but they got worse over time. The reason they got worse is because my husband did not make me feel safe or secure at times. We would sometimes fight and when he would get angry, he would tell me that I ruined his life, he was so much more happier before he met me, he never treated his ex this way, etc. 

He even sometimes blamed me for making him gain a few pounds through our relationship because we would eat out a lot and I would cook all the time. He blamed me for his lack of motivation to eat less and to work out more. It got to the point where all I did was cook meals with very low fat and I never fried anything. I used fat free cheeses and fat free butters and bought zero calorie drinks. I made salads, fish and other healthy meals to show him that I wanted to support his concern with his weight (even though he was never fat or overweight). He would always compare himself to what he was like before we dated. 

He thought I was immature and ridiculous because I liked certain video games or t.v. shows, but he used to play way more video games than me and he used to watch some really ridiculous movies and shows too. I never criticized him for liking what he liked. 

When he would come home from work, he would be in a bad mood, or if we would be hanging around the house on a weekend, his mood would suddenly change from happy to miserable, like all he wanted was to be alone. He used to tell me he just felt like being alone. I used to take this personal because I felt that if something was bothering him, he should be able to talk to me about it instead of treating me like I did something wrong. It was very hard to get him out of the moods he got into. 

The worst part was when our fights got heated. After we would both get angry, he would go nuts. He would call me a b*tch or a c*nt and tell me how I ruined his life and how he hates me. He has told me, "No wonder your past boyfriends cheated or treated you bad." If I cried, he would just get angrier at me and avoid me. Anytime I tried to approach him calmly to talk, he would just be pissed and say, "Just leave me alone." 

Every time our fights get bad, he would want to break up or divorce. This really hurt me because I didn't understand how breaking up was the solution to every fight. 

Sometimes we would talk things through and he would really seem like he understood and would agree to compromise on certain things, but then later if we got into another fight, he would say, "I only agreed to that because Princess (my name) needed to get her way and I wanted to avoid a fight." 

Even with the marriage, he told me that he did not believe in marriage and that it was all overrated. He told me that the only reason he married me was to make me happy, but it didn't matter to him whether we got married or not. Yet, when we got married, he stated his own vows to me and they seemed so genuine. 

I sit back and remember all of these things, but then after our fights calmed down, he would come back to me and say he didn't mean any of the things he said. The only problem was, his comments were still stuck in my head, and over time they took a big toll on me and I believed they were true. I lost trust and security.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Honey, this is emotional abuse. It can take many forms, but the name calling and putting you down is not normal and definitely not OK. I think that deep down, this has bothered you for a long time...hasn't it? Do you think it's something you would be able to accept if he took you back?


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

If he was willing to get help for his anger and I could work through my issues, I would take him back in a second.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I know, if he would get help...the problem is, most spouses who leave don't want to get help. If they did, we wouldn't be here. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise...an opportunity for you to find your way back to health, and in the future to end up with a man who deserves every amazing thing that you are! Share some things about yourself that you love to get the ball rolling -- instead of dwelling on your H, let's see if we can start thinking positively about YOU and what you have to offer the world. You up for it?


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> If he was willing to get help for his anger and I could work through my issues, I would take him back in a second.


Of course you feel that now... As MA said you were in an abusive relationship. Its like an addiction you need to detox out of. Weeks from now, if you stay out of that cycle, you will re-read that post and shiver. You will realize the level of abuse you suffered. You will never want to deal with that again.

And that is what it needs to be for you now. You need to detox from this relationship.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Also, there is a tough question that needs to be asked...

Has he been faithful too you? Are you absolutely 100% sure?


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

I truly do believe he has always been faithful to me. That has never been a question to cross my mind. He is very much of a homebody and our sex life was great. We just got to the point of fighting all time and we were both becoming miserable. But yes, I may sound naive, but I am 100% sure he was not cheating.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would never take back anyone who called me names even. That's awful.

Are you sure you want him back? 

Name calling is also verbal abuse. My ex h use to call me those names all the time. I really don't think your husband would be willing to get help, he doesn't see his actions as being wrong. He will find a way to justify the way he treated you. You both pushed each others buttons.

Working on yourself and applying the 180, soon you will see the big picture. Gosh, I didn't realize how he was treating you too. I would be crushed if my husband called me names. 

You might need to work on yourself, but your husband needs to work on himself also. 

One thing I did after I left my husband is I sat down and wrote on a sheet of paper what qualities I wanted in a man. I listed the most important first and made a long list. I stuck by it and met my husband I am married to today. He's much more then I asked for.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Devastated and Depressed said:


> I truly do believe he has always been faithful to me. That has never been a question to cross my mind. He is very much of a homebody and our sex life was great. We just got to the point of fighting all time and we were both becoming miserable. But yes, I may sound naive, but I am 100% sure he was not cheating.


I wondered that because of the ease in which he decided to bail. It is plausible that he had an OW and wanted to spend more time with her so he left.

D&D... you really need to focus on yourself right now. His abuse has altered your perceptions of what a healthy relationship is. And of what a healthy human being is. 

I know it is hard for you too see that right now... but remember the addiction analogy. You are going thru withdrawals right now. Once you get thru those you will be able to see things more clearly. Take the time to do so. It will be worth it.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

D&D what is new? How are you feeling/dealing?


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> D&D what is new? How are you feeling/dealing?


Eh, some days are ok. Some are horrible. Same stuff, different day. I find myself going to work and then going to sleep very early. Thanks for asking
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

I believe your husband has also been faithful. Women always have a sharp bio-instinct if our mates are cheating. So, if you think 100% he's been faithful, then he us. 
Glad u can sleep early.


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

Here I am, back on this site. So, long story short...he ended up coming back home after about a month. We were doing great for awhile, had minor arguments, but then they kept getting progressively worse. Well, last month, we got in a big fight. He jokingly said I had been eating a lot and I may be pregnant. I told him that I did not think I was pregnant and he said, "Well, if you are pregnant, it wouldn't be mine." I got hurt and told him that hurt my feelings and that I don't cheat on him. He tells me, "Well, I pull out so it could not be mine." Ugh, I told him, "Didn't you learn in sex ed in high school that precum can actually get someone pregnant?" (Sorry if I am being way to explicit) So the argument got worse and he said he wanted to leave me, once again. This time, I agreed. I did not keep his keys or hold him back. I said fine, which is not how I would have handled the situation in the past, but I was trying to give him what he wanted. I guess this made him shocked and more upset. He gathered his things and I thought he was going to leave, but instead came downstairs and told me to give me his mom's debit card. (I had his mom's debit card because I was doing Christmas shopping for her that she asked me to do) I told him, let me do what I told her I would do and I'll give you the card back tomorrow. 

He jumped on top of me, trying to get to my purse, meanwhile leaving scratches all over my chest. My instinct was to bite him to get him off of me. He then kicked me in my leg....I ran upstairs to call my dad in a panic. I told my dad I should call the police on him. He immediately called the police himself, I guess to beat me to it. 

The police came and arrested him and charged him with battery. 

He calls me from jail (He has never been arrested or in trouble before) and is basically pleading with me about working our relationship out. I guess this humbled him a lot. I get him out of jail and for the next few days, we are very emotional and close together and I promised him I would help him through everything. He agreed he needed anger management. 

However, after this crazy incident, he got worse. He started panicking about possibly losing his job, his visitations with his son, etc. I tried so hard to support him and be there for him, but his mind took over. We would fight and he would blame me for putting him in jail and ruining his life. 

Fast forward to two days ago, we went to go visit him mother, who has always been very involved in our relationship and has always made him feel that he can do no wrong. She has always criticized the person I am to him and put negative thoughts in his head about me. I told him before we got there that he seemed on edge and a little testy with me that day. I said, "Please I don't want to get into an argument." He blows up, saying that I am accusing him for nothing. When we get to his mom's house, he is irate. Basically I am at his mom's house and they are both ganging up on me, telling me how horrible I am, my parents don't love me because if they did, they would be more involved in the relationship, telling me that I was basically a lost cause. I felt so bad. It's like they enjoyed making me feel bad. So I notice my husband constantly texting someone, then he calls someone and is telling this person all about me and how horrible I am. I asked, "Who are you talking to?" He just says, "a friend." 

I know I should not have done this, but I felt suspicious and I grabbed the phone. Low and behold, it was his ex-girlfriend who he said he didn't have contact with anymore. Such a liar. I never thought he was communicating with her. He has always sworn to me that he wasn't. His mother tried to grab the phone out of my hand as I'm reading the text messages between my husband and his ex. She then calls the police on me and actually tells them that I pushed her? I never touched her. I would never be physical towards her. I looked at my husband and said, "Are you really going to let her lie and say that I pushed her??" He smirks at me and says, "I saw you push her." 

At this point I am in disbelief so I went outside to wait for the police to come. When they came, they spoke with me outside and then with my husband and his mom inside. They came back up to me and said, "If you only knew how bad they were talking about you, you would leave this man and never look back. That is not how a husband talks about his wife. He obviously has not grown up and has to be under mommy. We don't believe you pushed her. She showed us a bruise on her arm that looked weeks old and I'll make sure that is put in the police report. I'm so sorry you have to deal with people like them." This is what both officers are telling me and I am just devastated. I went home, and now this is where I am at. Our relationship turned tragic. I am full force going through this divorce now. I realize now how crazy the situation was that I was in and how horrible my husband and his mother was to me. I feel so used. I used to take his mom to her doctors appointments, come and do grocery shopping with her, everything. She made me out to be a physically abusive person. Thank God the police are smarter than that. My husband and I have only been texting to go over financial things. I am mortified that this is the man I married.


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## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

OMG.... I'm so sorry to hear that. But, I've been only married for 11 months when mu husband moved out and abandon his family over 2 weeks ago. My husband texted me two days after he moved out that he doesn't want to communicate or no contact with me for a while. I'm in a similar situation you were in. My husband left because I said a lot of hurtful and mean things to him. He said that I torn his heart apart and he doesn't have anything left to give me at this point. I'm still devastated and don't know how to go on with my life. I've speaking to family and friends for support and even became closer to God, but I feel like something is missing (my husband). 

Everyone suggested that I give him his space and give it to God to restore my marriage. And, reading your situation made me realize that I need to be patient, work on myself, continue praying, believe and trust and wait on God because when he comes back I want the both of us to be ready to make our marriage better and stronger.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Wow D&D, what a crazy twist in this update. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with such turmoil and anguish in this toxic relationship, but I am happy for you that clarity has finally bestowed itself upon you.

Finally, you can see with clear eyes, your husband for the immature coward he has always been... and with that you've found strength to break free of the shackles of dependency that once bound you to his control.

You are a puppet no more dear.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have been through a lot in the last few months. You sound so much stronger. What has happened is sad but at least you now know the truth and can move forward knowing that the divorce is the only way to go and the right way.

Good luck to you.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Good that you have clear proof of this guy's failure to be a man. 

Divorce will be great for you. Sorry he turned out to be such a tool. Congrats on moving away from human garbage and toward better things!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you're finally divorcing him. Get a fresh start for yourself and next time you're in a relationship, don't ignore the red flags. 

Good luck to you! I hope you stick around TAM. This place is good for teaching people how to navigate relationships.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with Coffee. Take this time to truly work on yourself. Do not rush into another relationship to try to fill the emptiness. Focus on just YOU. To not make the same mistakes you've been making in your life. You're very observant about your behaviors. Write the ones down you want to change. Then take the list and share it with a counselor, friend, or even this message board and take in the advice you get. And make your new behaviors a habit. It's never too late to be the person you've always wanted to be, and to meet the person you deserve and who deserves you. So when are you going to start?


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