# Is the problem Drinking, College, or Me?



## jessica84

My husband and I have been married for only 3 years. We got married young, at 24 now 27, and have had problems throughout our entire marriage. I have a professional job where I work 8-5, M-F while he is in college. He has is going on his 8th year of college, of which I have financially supported him through the last 3 years. He desperately wants to live the college life. He likes to drink and that seems to be the cause of most fights. Every weekend and holiday revolves around drinking. He drinks at home by himself a lot on the weekends if we dont go out. I have caught him lieing about drinking and hiding bottles. It is hard to convince him he has a problem because he is in a professional school and does well. He only drinks when he is out of school or on weekends so he is responsible about it, however he did get a DUI at the age of 20. When he does drink it is bing drinking. He says I am no fun and that he does not have a problem. The fighting has been continuous throughout our marriage. It finally came to an end because we both got fed up. He says I am too controlling and I got tired of the lies, disrespectful behavior, and the drinking. I am controlling only when it comes to drinking and going out. His class is about 80 people who have the same classes for 4 years straight, similar to high school in a way. The class is about 75% girls and mostly single. He is very flirty and has a lot of "girls friends." Almost every night of the week his class goes out to one place or another and he is resentful that he cant go because of me. They dont go out until 10 at night so it is too late for me during the week. If they go early I will go with him to make him happy. The drinking has caused trust issues due to lies to cover things up. I feel it is not appropriate behavior for a married man to come home wasted at 1am more than on occasion, especially when he has broken trust already. About every 3 moths or so it is a new lie. The final blow up was when he went out for a few beers with another guy on a Thursday night and came home at 1 am wasted. When he passed out on the floor I looked at his phone to see he was texting another girl while he was out. Because the other girl is "engaged" he felt it was ok. He says I am too jealous. The next morning I had to call into work because I was up until he got home at 1am and infuriated when I saw the state he was in and the texting. I told him he needed to pack his stuff and get out. While I thought he was looking for a hotel he was actually out at a pool drinking beer with some friends, including the girl he was texting. He followed up the night by going out with the same girl among a few other people, to bars. He showed up at my doorstep at 12am drunk that night and lied about where he had been all day and who he was with. Once again, after he passed out I looked at his phone to see where he really was and who he was really with. It took me calling the girl to get him to admit to the truth. I am sure he is not cheating, he needs to drink so bad that he will go out with anyone in order to do so, regardless of how I feel about it. Something similar to the above story happens every couple of months but doesnt always involve girls, that I know of anyway. The drinking has caused trust issues.

We have a joint bank account funded by my job, he has a credit and debit card, and we own a house. I pay all of our bills. He has a seperate bank account funded by school loans to only be used for school. He recently decided to change the password to his account so I could not look at it. The reason being that he withdrew $200 one weekend I was out of town and I asked him what he spent the money on. He does not feel he needs to justify where he spends his money to me. In the past he has lied about the money spent in this account, for example he leant his drug addict friend $2000 and lied about it. He has also hid his drinking by using his mom's debit card which he also has freely to use. He says I am controlling with money but he has credit cards to use freely, his name on a house he pays nothing on, I pay $100 bar tabs weekly with no complaint, fund vacations and all of our entertainment with no questions or complaints. I only question large amounts of money spent when I am not around. The reason I question this is because I dont trust him and think he is going out to bars when I am out of town. 

We are now seperated and he is still going out every weekend until 1 or 2am and getting drunk. He willing left and does not want to talk. He says he has been treated badly throughout or marriage, I am controlling, jealous, and wont let him do anything. He has been out for only a couple weeks and says he needs to clear his mind. In the mean time he has been going out with friends every weekend and living the college life that he always wanted. I feel like my marriage is a high school relationship. I shouldnt have to check my husbands phone to find out where he really was or question him about money. He is making me feel crazy for my actions and is blaming me for the lies. It was my fault he lied because "I get mad about everything" This is the case each time he lies for some reason or another it was my fault. Is the drinking the problem or is it me? Should I let him enjoy college? Is it ok to question where money is being spent? Am I being taken advantage of? Am I in the wrong here? Will the problems go away when he is out of college?

Any advice please!


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## DanF

> He has is going on his 8th year of college, of which I have financially supported him through the last 3 years.


Right there you pointed out that you married a loser without any motivation to get ahead.
Get out now, let him stay in college and pickle his liver.


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## jessica84

Thats the kicker, he is 1 year away from being a dentist. He is not a loser when it comes to his career, dental school requires 8 years, but everything else I agree. He does not want to put the effort into our marriage that he put into himself.


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## Runs like Dog

Hmm a dentist with substance abuse issues. Well hopefully the money will be coming in. He's a driven fairly type-A personality with a big dollop of frat boy tossed in. 

I would not sign of prenup if I were you. Things could get VERY bumpy. Especially after they give him a prescription pad.


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## Maria9938

Hi Jessica,
The problem is that your husband is an alcoholic. When I read your story, it was almost exactly like mine. He said the same things to me about being controlling, no fun, etc. We got married at the same age as you guys but we are a few years ahead. Let me tell you that things have only gotten worse. 

After I attended a few AL ANON meetings, I finally realized that there is nothing I can do to change his behavior. It's up to him. I started practicing detachment, and I have found happiness for the time being. I don't feel like I'm going crazy anymore, and I have accepted that our relationship may end. I broke down and told him that he has to get help and he refuses to do it. So it's just a matter of time. 

I also read The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage 
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/B4_chap4.pdf

Al-Anon has really helped me to figure out what is going on and I've decided that I will not live like this for the rest of my life. 

Get some support and listen to yourself. Good luck!


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