# Need advice on relationship woes.



## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

My wife and I have been married since February of '08 and I do love her very much. I am a rather calm and chill person who never likes to get into confrontations and rarely raises my voice, and as a result, I feel it is hard for me to convey what I feel and want to say to my wife.

When we got married, I knew that it would not be a cakewalk. My wife has some learning disabilities, but she has done quite well to overcome them to an extent. she needs extra motivation for doing things, but I hope that once she was away from her parents, she would become more motivated, get a job, help with her share around the house, etc.

Maybe I am not handling things correctly, and maybe I am wrong to feel that there is a problem, but that is why I am posting here, to find advice and criticism so that we can overcome this problem.



Anyhow, here goes...

My wife has been unemployed since we have gotten married and has not really shown much effort to get a job. I have expressed to her numerous times how it would make things so much easier if she even just got a small part time job. She usually becomes tightens up and shuts down to me, makes some sort of snide remark and does not take me seriously. When I get more irritated and push the issue, she gets irritated and angry or upset. I mean I am just trying to get her involved and she takes it in a completely negative way. 

On top of that, we both have the issue of not being the cleanest people. We are both a bit on the lazy side when it comes to home life, but I try to do what I can. The thing that gets me is that while I am working 8-9 hours a day, with a 45-50 minute commute one way, in a rather stressful and demanding job... She will sit at home often not doing anything related to cleaning the house or doing any sort of household chores. once in a while she will turn in an application or two, but its probably been a total of 8 the whole time we have been married? The house has become a pig sty, and the last thing I want to do once I get home after 6 in the evening is clean, especially since I am pretty much always the one who has to cook dinner.

She often will sleep in until noon or later, stays up late, plays video games, surfs the internet, or reads all day. She rarely gets out and does stuff, and doesn't really have much of a social life. She does not help cook, rarely feeds the pets, doesn't clean the bathroom, do the dishes, sweep/mob the floor, vaccuum, etc. with the exception of maybe a few of those things once every month or two...

The food thing has become a more serious issue to my health as well, since I am type 2 diabetes. Because I already get home rather late in the afternoon, by the time I have a meal prepped it is often close to 8 in the evening when we are eating. This has led us to eating more pre-prepared food and microwave items, or going and buying food at the store or restaurants. Not economical and unhealthy!

I guess I just feel that if I am putting in 40+ hours of work every week, plus 1.5 hours drive time every weekday, and some time as an on call person in emergencies, she should at least try to spend some time throughout her day to keep the house clean, rather than sit around and do nothing. Lately money has become real tight, and if she just had a part time job, we would be a lot better off financially.

I could go on and on about things, but I feel I have already typed a bunch already. I apoligize if this is in the wrong section, as this is my first post here. Hopefully you guys can give me some advice to point me in the right direction... My parents and close friends feel that I am justified in my thoughts and that if things dont change, it could lead to more serious relationship problems. When I confront her about any of it, she shuts down and gets very defensive, to the point where I cant even really talk to her. I don't know what to do... Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up.

Regards,

J


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

I apologize for the poor grammar and typos. I guess i get nervous when thinking about this, and it affects my typing skill...

Thanks for reading this all, hope to hear from you soon. Please feel free to ask me anything to clarify things further!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I agree with your parents and friends. 

You two need to see a minister or counselor of some sort if you are unable to get the subject off the ground. She is clearly slacking.

If she isn't working and she isn't cleaning the house and working to prepare you good meals for your diabetic system, then she is flat out wrong.

Marriage takes two, if she is the non-working partner, then she needs to be your helpmate. She also either needs to get at least a part time job, or do her part so you don't feel resentful if you need to get a second job.

There are no free-tickets in this life. She needs to have a reality check from you, and that may mean losing her meal ticket, because that is what you are right now!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

OH, AND DO NOT LET HER BECOME PREGNANT before you get all this worked out...two years or so at the least.


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

Yep she wants kids... badly, but I do not think we are anywhere near ready for that. She won't do birth control, so I am avoiding any sort of "romance" in that department, which further causes issues. 

I really don't know how to handle things though, what to say, how to react to her, etc.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Did you not discuss work outside the home and housework
before getting married?

or about when to have kids, if any???

???

My husband and I sure did !!!
I can't believe people don't discuss these things before marrying !


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

We did discuss it, as well as children and the like. 

She pretty much assured me that she would work on getting a job, and I just accepted that it may take her some time, as she had very little prior job experience and I remember how tough it was for me to get that first job, the whole change was a big one for me at least. I guess now that it is a year and a half later, I should have pushed the issue harder back then 

As for children. She wanted them right away, of course contrary to what her family wanted, but we agreed that we would need to wait a while to get settled and move from living with our parents to being on our own. I have always felt that we needed to be financially stable before we could even think of having kids, but she just doesn't seem to take that into much account. 

I definitely want kids, but not unless I know I can provide them a good house home to live in, be able to care for them, and give them the best life I can. I do not feel we are there now.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I would have put off marriage because you had a major problem with the timing of kids. She wanted them right away and you wanted to wait, all I'm saying is I would have put it off to marry until you were more solid and she had some work experience.
Be careful, you dont get her pregnant, seems with all the pressure on jobs and cleaning, the whole marriage will cave in after the first kid.
I don't think you married the right person from the way it sounds and she sounds very lazy and unmotivated. I feel under the circumstances you should talk about divorce before it turns into 20 years, 4 kids and a lifetime of poverty, wearing dirty clothing, living in squaler. 
She did not hold up her end of the deal to get a job and she does not even do housework ! oh my !!! Thats just unreal !!!


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

You're right - marriage definitely isn't a "cakewalk." It takes work! It sounds as though there's a serious lack of balance in "who" does "what" in and for your household. Having a learning disability may impact her in a lot of ways - but it shouldn't give her a license to do nothing. I'm wondering about her self image. 

Regardless, you could probably benefit from some counseling.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Has your wife ever lived on her own before? ever paid bills? supported herself? 

the bottom line is your wife needs a reality check. i think you ought to leave and find someone that is more responsible. you will never change her and she will end up being another child for you to take care of.


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

Thanks for the comments all. I do feel like I rushed into things, or that I was just blind to see the big picture... Probably both.

My biggest challenge now is going to be how to go about giving her the reality check and deciding how to procede from now forward.

I decided that I would wait until after this month, as she is going on an extended camping trip with family, and then we are all going to southern california the week following. I have told her that once this month is over, we need to work on getting our lives together and she seems to be on board with that comment (though she probably has no idea what I mean exactly).

I am going to try to be as tactful as possible, and just like marriage, divorce and separation are BIG deals to me. I plan on letting her know the issues I have, try to lay out some ground rules that I just HAVE to have, or I just can't live with her that way anymore. If she is slow to pick things up, then I will have to go to extremes to show I mean what I say, like cancelling the internet/TV etc... Obviously if she doesn't get on board, then maybe we werent meant to be 

Of course there is still the issue of myself. I am a slob too, and I know I contribute to much of the mess at the house. Even though some would say that doesn't matter since I hold a full time job, it is still something I feel I should work on. I feel that if I can correct my shortcomings, then she won't really have a leg to stand on when trying to defend her self based on my own faults.

Thanks all, the resources on this site are so helpful. If you have any pointers on how I should proceed, please, feel free to pitch in


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

What learning disabilities does she have? I ask this not as an opportunity to make excuses for her, but because depending on the type and severity, you may need to figure out the best way to get her focused and motivated, depending on her level of emotional/social functioning.


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

Well I figured I would update on this. I feel like I have used up all hope of trying to make things work. It is so difficult to approach her about things and when I do she closes up and doesn't want to talk about it. I have spoken to close friends and family, and they are all telling me pretty much the same thing that I have read on here, that maybe this marriage wasn't the right thing afterall.

I am thinking that ending the relationship may be the best thing for both of us. For me so that I can move forward with my life and not be held down by the issues we have been struggling with, and for her to try to better herself on her own. I have come to the realization that I cannot change her, and that it is up to her to do so. I really think that as long as we are together, she will always be fully dependant on me and will not be able to truly better her own life for herself. If she wants to have kids, she needs to understand that there are some very basic skills in life that you just have to have, which she lacks much of. 

I am not happy, and I have not been happy for months. We have no love life and I do not find myself sexually attracted to her anymore no matter how hard I try. I feel like if I try to stick with things and live with it, that I am just living a lie and hurting her more in the long run than if I were to come clean and tell her exactly how I feel. It will probably hit her really hard and break her heart horribly, but at least I am being honest and true and not leading her on and setting up for more heart ache down the road.

I really have no idea where to start with all this, but I do know that I have the support of my best friends and my family. Wish me luck all.


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

Well I did it... I asked her for a divorce yesterday. It was the hardest thing I have done in my whole life, but still it feels oddly liberating.

I just hurt right now, but I know she hurts more. She just needs to spend some time worrying about herself more, and I need to worry about me. Right now we are just calling it a separation and I have not yet closed all my doors on her, but part of me doesn't think we can ever make things right again. Am I wrong to think this?

So many emotions going through my head right now, can't think straight. I just know that I need some time to think things over. Everything has built up to where it is now, and it just hit like a bomb shell. The list of things that she would need to change to make this work is daunting, and I am not the only one who wonders if she is capable to overcoming those tasks.

The hardest thing right now is figuring out how to deal with her now that shes back with her parents. She has texted me, and her parents want to keep in touch... Is it bad to talk early in a breakup? What if I don't want to salvage the marriage? How do I keep from giving into the guilt trips? She keeps asking me why i did it now, and honestly, I had not planned when to say it, it just kind of came out spur the moment. 

Thanks all.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think you could work it out with some ground rules. There's no reason why not working she can't keep your house clean and make dinner. She probably doesn't even begin waking up for the day until 4-5:00 p.m. I mean as far as getting some energy going. She's in a bad cycle of staying up too late doing nothing. I've been there. I've since limited my time here, am getting sleep at normal hours. Midnight-9:00 a.m (that's pretty normal for me) I think you could work all that out if you wanted to. She would have to start getting normal sleep hours. Good luck...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

She sounds totally irresponsible and more.. along those lines ( none good). If she has kids, she will get even worse and very demanding, most demands really unrealisitc too.
I think you have a super bad match as far as your compatibility and should seek outside help and serious counseling ASAP.
Whatever you do.... don't have kids under these circumstances as it will be a bad mistake for you. You'll end up having 2 full time jobs and in her eyes it will still never be enough.


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

So it has been about 2 weeks since we have separated, and I still feel like I am kind of lost as to how to go about things. I am seeing my counselor today for the second session, and hopefully I might start being able to sort out what I want to do and how to go about it.

With that said, I really don't think I have an urge to make this thing work anymore. My spouse really does want to make things work, she says that she is going to work and try to fix all these things, but I just don't feel like I have the energy any longer to mess with it. I don't really know how to break it to her or how to go about saying that I truly feel that it is over. Any way you guys could point me in the right direction about how to go through something like this?

THanks,


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you want to get back with her, and I question that, I would want PROOF of her change before moving in together.

1. She gets a job. Any job. And holds onto it.

2. She cleans up after herself and you get to see the results.

3. Marriage counseling for the both of you.

4. Birth control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

*sigh* she just texted me a bit ago and wants to talk tonight at 9... I am just not sure what to say. I really don't think we can make things work and I am unsure if I really even want to try or if I should. Maybe I will have more of an idea once I get done talking to my counselor this afternoon.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi js83,

I hope your talk went well. I don't think you should give her any false hope at this point, but don't shut the door so quickly either. This could be a wake-up call for her and whether you end up together or not, she may make changes within herself that will benefit her either way things turn out. On the other hand, from your standpoint, I would definitely give it some time, see if she makes some real effort and positive changes and see how you feel at that point.

In the meantime, don't give up on your own improvements...get your place spotless...it will make you feel better


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

Thanks Swedish for the kind response.

We did talk that night, and pretty much established that I didn't think things can work out, and that I just don't feel the same way that I once did. It wasn't the best discussion at all, but at least I let her know exactly how I was feeling, and that I really do feel it is over.

I haven't heard from her since then and I haven't tried talking to her at all yet, not sure what to do about all that. Her mom texted me yesterday, saying that "We feel so deceived. Lied to". Ugh, what do I say to something like that? Not exactly sure what that means, except that they must hate me now.

Should I get legal advice now? How do I handle the upcoming events of her and her family coming to get her things and "trying to talk with me"? I am alone and the nearest real friend or family I have is one hour driving time from where I live.


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## js83 (Jul 30, 2009)

Anyone?

She is planning to come down Sunday to get some things... I don't plan on being here as I know her parents and family will be coming and they will want to give me "a talking to", which I don't need to put up with.

*sigh* I wish I knew how to handle this now.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i really feel for you. i think you did the right thing. its just going to be rough for a little while, but once they come and get her things, then you can start to move on. find yourself again. start to do things you love. you will need some time to heal, so give yourself some time to mourn the loss. and consider changing your phone number. you dont need to her from her parents.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It may not feel too great for you now - but it seems likely you've made a good and fair decision

you sound like you guys are pretty young, there's no kids involved, you are clear about why things aren't working for you, and you've conveyed this as honestly as you can.


sure you can't get through life without hurting people especially where the heart is involved and this is sad - but in your case you rest assured that your wife is safe and with loved ones -

I agree with Blanca - no need for you to see her parents - 
you don't need their guilt trip 

you do need legal advice - that's the easiest way to sort things out from here -

don't be too hard on yourself - you are acting responsibly and while you will be sad about losing some of your hopes for the future you will recover because you haven't done anything wrong.


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## happysong (Jun 18, 2010)

Its sounds like you adopted a grown up child instead of a wife. Husband and wife both need to put their share of work. Agreed, it will never be 50-50 but it should be a solid effort on both part. 

Talk to her about her actions or lack of them. Seek a counselor if need be. 

Is she depressed? If so she needs medical help. If not, if talking calmly does not help, living like this is not a long term option. This is a call you have to make. From what you wrote, it seems you are losing out every which way and have become like a parent rather than a husband. Its not fair to you and you have your needs. Get out before its too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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