# Am I jealous or is there a problem?



## miahoang (Jun 11, 2013)

Hi guys,

I have been married for six months and it has been the greatest time of my life. However, in the past I had two boyfriends, and my best friends at the time tried their best to destroy my relationships. One of them introduced her ****ty friend to the guy I dated, gave her his number, and they got drunk and had sex. Consequently, I have been unable to trust anyone fully until now.

Recently we were invited to the house of my husband's female friend for some pizza and fun time in a nearby park. She was initially his friend, but after we had dated for a year, she became my friend too. Anyways, in the middle of the eating time, she stood up and asked my husband to go far away from me and one other friend to take pictures of her blowing bubbles. Then they exchanged and she took pictures of him. I felt left out because they didn't say anything to me and the other friend, and left us there for almost half an hour watching them playing with each other and laughing. My husband said he was just excited to take pictures of the bubbles, but she kept asking him to take pictures of her (with her camera) so he couldn't stop.

I didn't know what to say, but after that she saw that I was upset and still posted those pictures on Facebook, tagging my husband in. She even said later that my husband is the most special guy. I wouldn't have felt this way, if before we were married, she hadn't usually asked my husband to come to her house for dinner and cooking. They were in a group of three and the other guy is my husband's close friend who told me jokingly that he envied our love (later the mentioned female friend told us that he felt lonely that my husband couldn't spend time with him as much anymore).

Even when we were in a relationship, the girl and that guy usually organized dinners and invited my husband to come and stay until late. One time they even went for a night walk at 1am and came back at 3am in a group of two guys and a bunch of girls. I was also left out of those events even when one was at my husband's place. Back then I was not jealous and didn't think it was a big deal. Nonetheless, after the pizza dinner in the park, I felt something wrong was going on, and I also knew the girl wasn't the honest type of people (she lied to us about this one thing that she told everyone differently before).

I'm so sorry for my long text, but my question is whether my worries were reasonable, because my husband said he would stop communicating with her (they are working in the same company) or even sitting together in the same bus (we live in Helsinki so a lot of people use public transportation to commute instead of having their own cars). Or am I too jealous? 

Thanks so much guys!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think it is reaonable that you felt excluded from events to which you could reasonably expect to be invited. But it is in the past. Look to the future. That is what counts.

My advice is to work at strengthening your marriage. Read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages. Work at getting really close to him emotionally and physically. Get your husband so fixed on you that no other woman has a chance. Do that and I think you will feel more comfortable about him having occasional social contact with other women .


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

They ride the bus together every day, huh? Thighs touching the whole way.


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## miahoang (Jun 11, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> I think it is reaonable that you felt excluded from events to which you could reasonably expect to be invited. But it is in the past. Look to the future. That is what counts.
> 
> My advice is to work at strengthening your marriage. Read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages. Work at getting really close to him emotionally and physically. Get your husband so fixed on you that no other woman has a chance. Do that and I think you will feel more comfortable about him having occasional social contact with other women .


Thank you tryingtobebetter . He always says and shows that he is very close to me physically and emotionally, but he had never had a girl friend before we met, so my guy is a bit inexperienced. He doesn't really know when girls are into him, and they use his inexperience to drive me mad sometimes. For example, before we were married, one girl asked him to walk with her at night because she had "a very important thing that relates to her life to talk about" and later told him if he doesn't love her in return, she would quit school (she did quit, poor thing). Another one asked him to her place during Christmas time two years ago while I was away, because she was "lonely and so depressed". This person refused to get to know me, and when we were all together in one event, she literally stared at me from the start to the end, pointed at me and whispered to her friends. Today he thanked me for being patient and teaching him how to spot the "bad ones", and I'm thankful for you telling me that my feeling is reasonable.



MrK said:


> They ride the bus together every day, huh? Thighs touching the whole way.


Haha I told my husband to read this and he spent five minutes explaining to me that he tried to sit straight and swore that his legs didn't touch hers. That was the one occasion and has not happened again. I don't want a mean husband but a super nice one who doesn't usually say "no" to people might also cause me heartache sometimes .


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If your intuition is telling you this female friend is untrustworthy, trust your intuition. Women can often tell from subtle signs when another woman has inappropriate interest in her husband. If you sense a strong attraction from this so-called friend, just be sure you don't send him on social outings by himself with just her. Just be aware of whether she's secretly emailing or texting or calling him. If she starts contacting him behind your back to do things with her, I'd end the friendship. Also, I'd be careful of telling her anything about your marriage or him. Don't give her a window into your marriage.


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## miahoang (Jun 11, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> If your intuition is telling you this female friend is untrustworthy, trust your intuition. Women can often tell from subtle signs when another woman has inappropriate interest in her husband. If you sense a strong attraction from this so-called friend, just be sure you don't send him on social outings by himself with just her. Just be aware of whether she's secretly emailing or texting or calling him. If she starts contacting him behind your back to do things with her, I'd end the friendship. Also, I'd be careful of telling her anything about your marriage or him. Don't give her a window into your marriage.


Thank you Coffee Amore! This friend has not been contacted him since we got married (she was even invited to our wedding), but she asked me a lot about him when we hung out. I just felt weird about her behavior when we were all together: she only looked at him when she talked even though there were me and another friend sitting next to him. I really don't want to be crazily jealous, but I will never ask my friend's husband to split up, ignore her and have fun with him while she is still watching. Later when he tried to take photos of me, she stopped him by asking me if I wanted to join ("Hey do you want to join us?" - Since when they are one and I'm an outsider?). Anyways, that was the first time it happened and we are still very young so I wanted to ask some experienced people to know if my feeling makes any sense (glad it does). By no means I want to be a controlling and clingy spouse .


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She a witch, if you know what i mean but, she's not your problem. Your husband should be on your side always if you get left out he should be with you. Why does he think its ok to leave you left out? He is seeing how this girl is and how you feel. He should stop contacting her. IMO


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You aren't jealous, and it sounds like your husband is pretty reasonable, at least as long as he includes you in ALL invitations that involve other women. I can't quite tell if he does or not. 

There have been a couple of times women have had their aims on my husband. He claims not to notice, but I am pretty sure he's not clueless, either. He just wants me to feel reassured. 

My response is to keep my friends close and my enemies closer. One gal who we see weekly avoids looking at me when we talk, but gazes wide-eyed at him when she's talking to him. Then she started talking about the 50 Shades of Gray books and how great they are, and offers to loan them to me. I say, "Sure. I'll read them to my husband" and stuff like this to reinforce just how off limits he is.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

You have to put your foot down explicitly.

Do it now before you are having kids, he is disrespecting you. Communicate with him your feelings about these incidents.

Also, there are red flags that could be sign of an affair.


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## miahoang (Jun 11, 2013)

I think his problem is trying to deny that they like him, because they are friends. My husband also admitted that he was wrong for making me feel left out, but what is mind-boggling to me is that he didn't see what he did upset me at that moment.

Sometimes I would ask him to call one of our female friends to find out her family's new address to visit or to inform her we could not come (I'm telephobic), he is usually on the phone for twenty minutes to half an hour, because the girl doesn't want to stop talking and they move from one topic to another. I trust my husband, but couldn't help feeling sad to see his inability to say "no" when needed.

I know we are young and still learning to build a strong marriage, but experiencing different female friends in different situations makes me exhausted sometimes. I used to think that as our friends, they would not do anything to harm our love for each other, or simply be considerate, but now my opinion is different. I have also purchased the book Not Just Friends and we will read it together this weekend.

Thanks so much guys. My husband also read this and said he was glad I have this forum to turn to and we have learned a lot during the last few days (I wouldn't share my sorrow with any of those so-called friends after all of this).


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