# I am a bad husband



## blitzkrieg

Interesting title...

So, if im posting here then obviously my marriage isnt exactly that great. Why else do people confide in relative anonymity about some of the most personal parts of their lives? this is a relatively long post as most first posts probably are, please listen and if you feel so inclined, offer feedback.

hi, im 34 years old and was previously married for 9 years. that marriage ended with ex-wife cheating on me with a high school boyfriend from long ago. we were terrible together and we both kind of knew it. we constantly fought, verbally and physically. it was terrible. we were mutually aggressive. i would say she was far more aggressive than me. i played my part, im no angel. ultimately, what i learned from that marriage was to know when to get out. 

man, this is going to get messy. during my separation from exwife, i met my current wife. i fell in love with her because she was everything my ex wasnt. of course i tempered my love with the knowledge that i may be using her as a rebound. i thought a lot about it and im positive that was not the case. i still feel that way. now, i had big problems letting go of previous wife. i had sex with both for a short time. current wife, g/f at the time, obviously was crushed and rejected me. because i am a stupid man, i again made the same mistake. after leaving her in a hotel room on new years night to bang my ex one last time, i decided that all i was doing was just not letting go of something familiar, even if i knew it was damaging. best thing i ever did. unfortunately, i have a 5year old that suffers from the split but i do the best i can. 

after working through all that, my wife decided to marry me. 2 days after we got married, i went to korea for a year because of military obligations. i tried to do the right things there but i failed. i didnt make it a priority to send her much of anything for valentines day, her bday, ect ect. now, i did send things? but really they were just half ass last minute things with barely any thought in to it and she knew it. i got to come home 6 months in, we both needed that. she ended up becoming pregnant during that time. she spent the last 6 months alone getting bigger and bigger. i finally come home and i had gotten out of the military for the reserves. its the equivalent of losing your job. so i come home, have no job, we have no place to live, and wife is preggers. fast forward to now. still no job [ i have been looking, semi-diligently. i could do better... ] and now we have a newborn here along with a 2 year old and a 5 year old. i have been working on and off for $10/hr cash job. during that time, wifey has to take care of all three. she has no job as she quit her job to go back to school in the next year using my gi bill. i love my wife dearly, she is probably the worst person i know about being clean. shes a terrific mother, honestly. shes a terrible housewife though. she hates to cook, she basically never cooks, and she only does dishes cause of the baby bottles. she does laundry, but only her own. i do any/everything else.

since ive been home, she has withdrawn from me almost completely. she isnt intimate with me in anyway. shes constantly fatigued from being up all night with the baby. im guilty cause i dont wake up. i dont hear the baby, i dont fake the sleep or anything else. i told her she should be waking me far more often but she reminds me that my mammary glands are slightly underdeveloped vs hers. obviously she breast feeds. lol. 

so where were are now in our marriage is that i overcompensate for her lack of intimacy by fawning over her constantly. she basically ignores me most of the day and is annoyed by my presence at times. she doesnt say i love you, she doesnt hug me, she doesnt kiss me unless shes leaving somewhere or to roll over to sleep. some of that is who she is, shes never been super affectionate. im not ok with it but i have been ok with it till now. shes pulled back everything though. we fight over dumb things. at least in this marriage theres no physical or emotional abuse though. pretty much i dont listen. i know this because im realizing she keeps saying "we just talked about this" or some derivative there of. 

i guess really what i wanted to say is that im a bad husband because i dont listen to my wife, i ignore her when we talk, i ignore her needs to the point where shes considering divorce. honestly, i think she just wants me to grow up.

the problem i have is: though i know what i need to do, how do i remember what to do when the time comes. example, i interrupt her talking and go off on completely different tangents. she gets really pissed and tells me that i interrupt her and dont listen. i dont consciously do this on purpose. she says that if i really cared, i would listen. that i dont listen because i dont care about her. i want to disagree but her logic is valid. i do care about her regardless of what she says. 

i love my wife more than anything in the world and i want to spend every moment i have on this planet with her. i want to win back my friend. i want to be there for her. help. 

this is probably hard to read. my apologies. i pretty much vomited my thoughts on the keyboard and this half assed stack paragraphs came out. if you manage to read and comprehend this, thank you for your diligence. lol


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## blitzkrieg

forgot, there is more to this, i dont have the time currently to explain in detail. ask and ill fill in the holes.


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## Loosewheel

Hi Blitz,
I am new here but found your post very interesting.There is always more..and 3 children are a lot of work.Sounds like your wife has been alone with a lot of responsibility? Participate. Sounds like you know that not listening to her isn't getting any where? It hurts & I can tell you from experience.Some woman shut down. Make sure you tell her that you love her. Then show her by your support & actions.


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## chazmataz3

not listening to you wife is show disrespect. listening is a learned behavior.so get on line and learn.you have to ;LEARN TO LISTEN AND LISTEN TO LEARN.


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## fooledtwice

Pick up the slack be patient with her. Look for a job. Until you find one help as much as possible and still help her after you find work tell her how pretty she is try to let her get extra sleep. try going for walks to the playground with the kids together. Talk during that time. make sure you give her plenty of your pretty etc. touch her arm hold her hand. not sex touch. loving touch caress. she will come around. She seems over loaded seems to come to mind and needs help.


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## Logitex

yeah I have got nothing for you but a lot of stuff sounds familiar. Three kids is a lot of work.. That is for sure.. and my wife gets into a habit my kids are 14 12 and 5. We dont fight at all unless i start a fight and it is always about sex. She is done with the issue. You said she says "We talked about that" yea, I have heard that too. I think that means she is done talking about the subject too. 

funny you left your first wife and this is a second wife too. Mine is the first and only wife, actually up 4 am right now (rare I lose sleep over this) You post feeds my suspicion that if I leave and find a girl that is better in some areas (intimacy, affection and sex) Im still going to end up in the same place I am right now. 

thing is i DID notice my wife with almost 100% abscent when my kids were 4 and 2. Those two kids were hell.. she was constantly tired and destroyed. Someone suggested helping too, i tried that.. it didnt seem appreciated or worthwhile it didnt seem to make ANY difference in her level of being tired. 

I know if you hang on and the kids get self sufficient (past 6 years old) things WILL get better with your wife. She will be less tired as the kids get more autonomous. 

Jesus man.. 3 kids stacked together. 

THAT is your marriage problem right there. Kids are a royal pain in the ass and a **** ton of work. No wonder women like working outside the house.. 

just the sheer amount of 

"mommy i **** my pants (again after an hour) " 

and 

"mommy I need milk" (for the third time while watching a 3 hour movie) 

You know like when you are on a task.. and get interrupted.. MULTIPLE times. That is what raising kids is.. So.. for you.. take it from a guy who has been thought it 3 times. Hell I RESENTED my 2nd daughter until I figured out exactly what was eating me.


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## Loosewheel

Ok, I can tell that Iam the old lady here. Logitex, your post was kind of funny. Sorry, but after raising kids & now having grand kids, and step kids, as they say you ain't seen nothing yet. Then they turn into teenagers. Wow!


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## cdbaker

She doesn't respect you, and as you have indicated, it sounds like she doesn't have much reason to respect you. Especially given your military background, that probably hurts all the more.

I'm not saying everything here is your fault, but since you can only control you and not her, all advice will be geared toward what you can do alone. What you need to do is man up. Give up any selfish habits (laziness, drinking, video games, TV viewing perhaps, going out with buddies alone, etc.) and start doing the things men are called to do for their wives and families. Go find yourself a job, now. Take the best job you can find as soon as you can. If it isn't what you like or isn't a good fit, then keep looking for a better job while you are working at the first one. You need to be A provider. (not saying the only provider, or the primary one even, but a woman can't respect a man who doesn't make every effort to be her provider to the best of his ability, without any excuses) You mentioned she is messy, so start using your spare time tackling projects around the house, starting with the "alpha" jobs. Repair the fence, fix the leaking faucet, re-seal the deck, replace the broken floor tiles, etc. Then move into the "beta" jobs like cleaning and reorganizing various rooms from start to finish. Throw out the clutter, anything you both don't really need. Organize the kids to help out and make it a fun thing. Speaking of the kids, when you aren't working or committed to alpha/beta male activities, spend time with your kids. Play with them, rough-house with them, set up rules and punishments and then stick to them. These are father roles that most women aren't comfortable with anyway.

Lastly, and this one is actually the one you should start with as it is probably most important, start taking care of your health. A lot of guys, likely the vast majority, tend to let themselves go at least a little bit a few years after marriage. So do a lot of former members of the military. So start eating right and start lifting weights and running. (I'm not a doctor and I don't know you personally, so substitute what works for you as needed) Just get healthy and looking buff.

Do all these things and trust me, your wife WILL notice. She'll be more attracted to you, and will probably find herself feeling the pressure to elevate herself as well. This is as confident a plan that I could possibly suggest, because no matter how things play out, your life (and the lives of your children) will improve, guaranteed.


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