# Should I tell him about her affair?



## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

For those of you who don't know my story, here it is in brief;
In March 2011, when I was pregnant with our 2nd set of twins, my partner and I had a fight because he drove home from his friends house drunk, again... This lead to me saying the next day "Well if your not going to respect me and our family right and don't want to be bothered with our relationship then you may as well leave"-So he did. At first he didn't want to reconcile, but about 2 weeks later we started seeing eachother and were trying to work things out but he wasn't living with us he was living with his mate. He moved back in with us when I was rushed to hospital because one of our twins waters had broke and I had to remain there for a few weeks. When I got out of hospital he continued living with us and said he wanted us to work out vet he still continued his affair with the ow too.
He started talking to the ow (an old highschool girl that had a crush on him way back), started innocently but moved very quickly from Facebook chat to full on talking/texting/sexting eachother every spare moment they had. This went on from March to August 2011. I found out about their affair July 28 2011, when I looked through his phone and found all the sexting msg and nude pics they sent eachother...
He stopped talking/sexting her because she was afraid of her fiancé finding out about their affair and she was threatening legal action if I send him the nude pics of her. So his last words to her where "ok then, I guess I better leave you alone then." 
See when I was removing the evidence (the nude pics) from his iPhone (which is in my name) I uploaded them to my Facebook account not realizing then that everyone would be able to see them, I quickly removed them from my file when I knew this, I was new to the whole Facebook thing back then. She found out about it and went to the police with her sister but there was nothing they could do cause I took them off and spelled her name wrong and only if she was willing to show them that it was her vagina, there was nothing they could do...
So, recently I have been given her and her now husbands address and I'm thinking of sending him all the msg's and maybe all or some of the pics...???
One very important msg is her having an argument with my H about her still going through IVF to have a baby and she said "I don't care who I have a baby with as long as I have a baby and the dad has the money so I don't have to give up my lifestyle." 

Would LOVE all opinions and maybe some insight of what I should expect if I do this...???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She sounds like a dangerous woman. one who will strike back any way she can. So you best tell your h so you both can be prepared for the backlash. 

I would let him know that his w had an affair w H. I would tell him there is more info he should be aware of. Let him contact you if he wants to know what it is.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

How do you know what she did, what the police said?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

This is 2013 

Are you actually talking about something that happen in August 2011 ?

Your saying that your man and her stopped in August of 2011, but NOW February 2013 you want to send that stuff ?

Look fix the sh1t with your husband or boyfriend or whatever he is. Let this fvcking sh1t go,because it serves you no purpose but to drive you nuts. 

WTF has been going on with you and him for August 2011 to February 2013 ? If your saying your man has been good from August 2011 until now, then you need some counseling, because it very apparent that your still stuck in 2011 still. 

Fix things with him or cut him loose and find someone who will really love you, assuming he doesn't. 

If she has crossed your path recently and something has happen between her and your man, then fire away all bets are off. 

But if your man has been trying for over 1 year and your still back there in 2011 you need to figure out how to let go and move on, with him or without him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I wouldn't send the pics. That's not ok.

I would tell him that his fiancé did have an affair with your husband, share what she said, and say you have proof n the naked pics she sent your husband, but that you will not send these to him because you won't be in the business of distributions porn.

Explain you want nothing from him, but for him to know the truth.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> How do you know what she did, what the police said?


A friend of mine's sister and the OW's sister are friends, but the ow and her sister have no idea that I know of any connection...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> This is 2013
> 
> Yep, fully aware of the year to date... And yes he is my husband... Yes counseling is happening...
> 
> ...


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I wouldn't send the pics. That's not ok.
> 
> I would tell him that his fiancé did have an affair with your husband, share what she said, and say you have proof n the naked pics she sent your husband, but that you will not send these to him because you won't be in the business of distributions porn.
> 
> Explain you want nothing from him, but for him to know the truth.


AWESOME, great advice, thanks ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

still.hurting said:


> Hardtohandle said:
> 
> 
> > This is 2013
> ...


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I would definitely tell the OW's husband/fiance/whatever the fvck he is. Why you haven't told him until now is beyond me. You let another human be duped for 2 years. Why? And why did you have a change of heart now?

Don't do this out of vindictiveness, do it to give another person options... options he now doesn't have because he's in the dark.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Maybe think about why you want to tell her fiance. Then think about the consequences of telling him vs not telling him. 
At this point in time, I would do what is best for you. 
As far as you not having dealt with the affair...you have 6 kids. I get it! Where in the hell do you fit time in to cope with an affair!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I'm not sure if I understand correctly. The OW was a fiancé to some man and now they are married, and now you feel like exposing?

If this is the scenario then WOW, is all I have to say for the innocent OW's husband/fiancé being lied to.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

> Yep, fully aware of the year to date... And yes he is my husband... Yes counseling is happening...
> 
> Life is busy with 6 kids and work... And I would have let the OW's fiancé know earlier but I have only just found out where he lives...!
> 
> AND, yes he has been trying to be the best H since we got back together in late Aug 2011, but what he has done to me is going to take longer than a year and a half to *'get over'*


Look as a man who is loosing his wife and kids to another man, trust me I would rather fight with my wife trying to fix this then having to loose my family.. So I don't expect you to get over what he did in a year or a year and a half.

I'm not going to get all investigative on you. You have enough problems going on in your life, like we all do.

Just make sure in your mind you are clear on what your going to do and what might come after you do it. I would talk to your MC as well before pulling the trigger on this. Once you fire that bullet there is NO WAY of taking it back. 

I'm not saying to forget, I'm just saying move on with fixing you and your family up. 

You know there is going to be a point where you will have to delete and destroy that stuff. If your going to keep looking at it every day, your never gonna really fix your problems.

The best thing that ever happen to me is my wife took over her cellphone account. It was one less thing I had to keep looking at everyday when I came into work and at night going to bed.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If it were me, I would want to know.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

If it was me, I'd let sleeping dogs lie.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The statute of limitations on doing the right thing has long expired. This is just cold revenge. It won't give you the statisfaction you think it will, and could very well make you feel worse. 

You could also stir up a hornets nest that will spill into and damage other parts of your life. It won't end here.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> I would definitely tell the OW's husband/fiance/whatever the fvck he is. Why you haven't told him until now is beyond me. You let another human be duped for 2 years. Why? And why did you have a change of heart now?
> 
> Don't do this out of vindictiveness, do it to give another person options... options he now doesn't have because he's in the dark.


I have only just got his email and house address, within the last week, that's why I haven't sent him any of the msg's or less provocative pic's... 
I don't like the idea of some poor guy been taken for a ride from a heartless gold digger with no morals whatsoever... It has also been brought to my attention within the last week that he comes from a strict Christian family, so I'm hoping he has some good support around him. He didn't deserve to be treated the way he did and I believe he deserves the right to choose if he wants to stay in the relationship with her or not...

I'm not doing this to be vindictive, I understand that there will obviously be repercussions, but morally I think it is the right thing to do regardless of how long it has taken me to track down his address. Bottom line it has to be done, I would like to hear of any ideas on how to 'soften the blow' by telling him....?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> I have only just got his email and house address, within the last week, that's why I haven't sent him any of the msg's or less provocative pic's...
> I don't like the idea of some poor guy been taken for a ride from a heartless gold digger with no morals whatsoever... It has also been brought to my attention within the last week that he comes from a strict Christian family, so I'm hoping he has some good support around him. He didn't deserve to be treated the way he did and I believe he deserves the right to choose if he wants to stay in the relationship with her or not...
> 
> I'm not doing this to be vindictive, I understand that there will obviously be repercussions, but morally I think it is the right thing to do regardless of how long it has taken me to track down his address. Bottom line it has to be done, I would like to hear of any ideas on how to 'soften the blow' by telling him....?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I still think she's capable of tit-for-tat action (Hatfield/McCoy style). But if you're intent on informing her husband then consider sending some 'semi-benign' signal like this:

_My name is xxx your wife may have told you about the affair she had with my husband, yyyy in 2011 that almost destroyed our marriage.

I'm curious if your wife told you everything that happened. It's all in the past for me now but since being just recently made aware of your contact information, I've been struggling with the desire to let you know what I know. I'll leave it to you to decide if you want some information. 

My husband and I are in a good place because we've been truthful with each other. If you and your wife are there too then wonderful. I want to put this whole episode far in the past. If you don't contact me in the next few days then I will remain silent and continue to move forward. 
xxx_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would want to know about any cheating my spouse and/or bf was involved in.

And if I were you, I'd tell her now husband about the affair. Send him copies of the emails. Not the photos, not yet.

If she bothers you or your husband you can remind her that you have further evidence of her photos that you would be glad to provide to her husband.

I'm not sure I get all the people here who seem to be against explosing an affair.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I would want to know about any cheating my spouse and/or bf was involved in.
> 
> And if I were you, I'd tell her now husband about the affair. Send him copies of the emails. Not the photos, not yet.
> 
> ...


I don't get some of the people here who oppose of exposing an affair either? Everyone has their own level of morals is all I can say...!
I know, and I can say based on past history, that I would definitely want to be informed if my H or bf or fiancé was having an affair or doing anything disloyal to me. I mean, as far as we know we only have one life to live and you should be able to make the decision if the person you are to spend the rest of your life with is really the person they say they are and that they love you and want what you want from a relationship...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

still.hurting said:


> I don't get some of the people here who oppose of exposing an affair either? Everyone has their own level of morals is all I can say...!
> I know, and I can say based on past history, that I would definitely want to be informed if my H or bf or fiancé was having an affair or doing anything disloyal to me. I mean, as far as we know we only have one life to live and you should be able to make the decision if the person you are to spend the rest of your life with is really the person they say they are and that they love you and want what you want from a relationship...


:iagree:

When I was married to my son's father, no one came forward and told me about his affairs. It took a long time for me to realize what he was doing. Apparently even some of "my friends" know and did not tell me.

It was not until after I filed for divorce that one friend told me a about a couple of things. Because of this I dropped almost all of my friends from that time. Knowing that they knew he was cheating and they did not want to get invovled hurt me very much.

I want to know because I have the right to decide what to do with my life based on the turth.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> When I was married to my son's father, no one came forward and told me about his affairs. It took a long time for me to realize what he was doing. Apparently even some of "my friends" know and did not tell me.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing that here on my post, and I'm sorry to hear that your old friends didn't reveal the truth to you when you needed it, maybe they thought that they were protecting you and wanted to protect you from hurt, maybe they thought it would stop and you could live the rest of your life happy with your ex? But at the end of the day people/friends/family have to respect the fact that by doing this (not telling you about anything dishonest) it takes away your right to make a decision if you want to forgive or not... This is exactly why I and my H feel's the OW's fiancé deserves to know the truth. I know there is going to be no easy way to break the news but somehow I'm sure I'll come up with the best way to deliver the news, hopefully in a way that comes across as not being malicious or him and her thinking I'm doing it for revenge...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Consider this. You won't just be telling him she as cheated on him. You'll be warning him that she may still be, and may in the future cheat on him with some other guy.

Right now he's giving her freedom and never questioning things because he doesn't think she'd ever do that.

You know she most certainly would.

He needs to know that about her. He needs to know for when in a couple month she tells him she has had enough time at home with the babies and she needs a girls night out, or even better a girls weekend away. You know what she'll be doing.

He's got kids now and he needs to protect them. He needs the knowledge that will help him recognize and try to stop her future affairs before the get too deep.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You have informed your husband, and he is in agreement that the husband should be told?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Consider this. You won't just be telling him she as cheated on him. You'll be warning him that she may still be, and may in the future cheat on him with some other guy.
> Right now he's giving her freedom and never questioning things because he doesn't think she'd ever do that.
> You know she most certainly would.
> He needs to know that about her. He needs to know for when in a couple month she tells him she has had enough time at home with the babies and she needs a girls night out, or even better a girls weekend away. You know what she'll be doing.
> He's got kids now and he needs to protect them. He needs the knowledge that will help him recognize and try to stop her future affairs before the get too deep.


Im pretty sure they don't have any kids yet. They just got married late last year...
When the ow and my h were having an affair she mentioned in a text that she was still trying to fall pregnant to her fiancé (now husband), stating she didn't care who the father was only caring that she wanted a baby and that her current H has the money to keep her rich lifestyle she enjoys... THAT is why I feel it is so important to let this guy know what she's really like before it's really too late.
I wish I had of found out his contact details before they got married, at least he can undo that but once an innocent baby is around it's a whole new ball game...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> You have informed your husband, and he is in agreement that the husband should be told?


Yes, my H and I discussed as much pro's and con's that we could think of about telling the OW's now H about the affair between them.

He agrees 100% that it is the right thing to do by informing him. He is worried that he will come after him and try and physically harm him or worse if the OW's H tries to harm me or our kids???
My H also was worried about me not 'sticking by him' if her H was to come after him, I reassured him that of course I would but I can't understand why he would think that I wouldn't?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Think about how you would like to be told you have cancer. For me, the second the confirmation of the affair was spoken, I couldn't hear another word. The physical, emotional, mental, psychological and spiritual reaction overwhelmed me. I went into survival mode. If you tell him, be in a safe public place. You have no idea if he is one of 'those' that would never want to know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would tell him. He needs to know what he is with, he can then make his own descision.

Your husbands worries are kind of far fetched , and I think he might be pulling at straws hoping to avoid facing dealing with this.

Perhaps you should tell him only after you have done it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I think you should watch your husband tell him. He should deal with his mess, not you. He should take responsibility for his choices and his actions. 
Most WW don't want to tell the other spouse. Mine didn't at all, she came up with all sorts of lame reasons why not. I had to do it, because no one else would, and she had a right to know. I was not going to help keep that ****ing secret, that others had kept from me!


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I think you should watch your husband tell him. He should deal with his mess, not you. He should take responsibility for his choices and his actions.
> Most WW don't want to tell the other spouse. Mine didn't at all, she came up with all sorts of lame reasons why not. I had to do it, because no one else would, and she had a right to know. I was not going to help keep that ****ing secret, that others had kept from me!


So what happened when u told her about the affair? Did she believe u at first? Were you and your ws in r when this was happening, are you still together?
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