# Married but dieing from Loneliness



## AloneForever (Sep 25, 2008)

Hello everyone

I am so depressed and alone, and have no one to talk to. I have been married over 7 years and have 2 children under 5. I don't know what to say nor where to start from, but I need to talk, I need to get everything out of my system. I am so tired, day by day I physically feel the ache in my heart as it breaks further and further.

I married when I was 23 for love, I thought I would die if I didn't marry. He loved me too, but he has always had his own ways. I am stay at home mum and have no income of my own. However I worked the first 3 years of our marrige before our first child was born. He brings the money in, but I take care of anything and everything else that needs to run a family and household but it never counts for anything. I am constantly put down by him to the point of feeling 1cm tall!
Whatever goes wrong at home or with the kids or if something is missing, I am to blame. And its not that he just says its my fault, he will scream and break things and throw things at my direction to make his point at I am at fault. He has called me every single bad word there is in the dictionary, and not once in these past years has he apologized to me or done something to make me feel better or to ease my pain.

I hurt so much that I feel sorry for myself. I always feel that he knows he is breaking me into pieces and that he will at least pity me but not even that. I wait on him hand and foot, and never get a simple thank you. Although I have access to the money he makes, I don't have the right to a single dollar, I report everything and sometimes have to show receipts and proof.

I long for a silent hug or a loving kiss, or a simple caress, or a kind word as simple as dear. But nothing ever. OUr physical contact is limited to intercourse when he needs it, but I know that's all it is.

I have tried anything and everything. I always say I am sorry, although I never know for what. I always say yes, like he is my commander, but its never any use. If I tell our daughter to do something or scold her he will curse at me in front of her and tell me I have to right to treat her that way. This has caused a big gap between my daughter and i, she doesn't like me very much. My 2 year old has become my whole world and he is my only source for getting love.

I feel better already, as I have cried my eyes out typing this. Leaving him is not an option for me cause he will never let me have my kids. I am staying for the kids and I giess deep down I still love him despite everything. Does any one know what I can do just to make this ride a little smoother?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

1. Get fed up.
2. Tell him in a loving way that you would like to be treated better. Tell him that you will be doing things that are good for you. Just that, no more. If he doesn't ask for more information, don't give it! let him wonder. 
3. Get out more, do more things. Stop doing the things he expects of you when he is mean to you. Don't nag, don't complain. Just say you are "sorry" if he asks where his tea or his laundry is. If he yells, which he probably will, just let him know calmly that you will be happy to do all the things for him again when you are feeling loved and appreciated. Smile and walk away to another room.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You have a lot of fight in you. but you pour it all into engaging in this drama with your spouse. If you took the same energy you pour into trying to play mind games with him, and put it into empowering yourself and protecting the emotional health of your children, you will be happier. 

Your H is a coward. He preys on you because he knows he can. Ever come across a dog that will bark and come at you but the minute you step towards it, it runs the other way with its tail between its legs? This is your H. Even though its scary to take that first step towards a crazed animal, your psychological health will improve tenfold every time. The minute you become fearful of them, they will chase you even more, and the fear you experience, coupled with your imagination of what 'might' happen, actually creates more damage then any 'real' threat. 

If you feel you or your kids are in real danger because of his anger, then if he ever throws anything at you again, call the police. If you ever feel threatened by him, call the police. Call someone. There are shelters you can go and take your children for women in dangerous situations. There are things you can do to protect yourself and your children. This would be considered a step towards the crazed animal.

If you do not want to leave him, you can empower yourself so you are not his victim anymore. Do some research and reading about abused women. Read about ways to protect yourself both emotionally and physically. Learn about why you tolerate this and subject your children to it. In order to do this you are going to have to want to stop being the victim and start being accountable for your own contribution to this dysfunction. If you empower yourself, you will be protecting the emotional health of your children. this is also a step towards a crazed animal.

If you chose to hide in a corner and try and play mind games with him, then this is running. It takes not just him, but both of you to create this fear, rage, helplessness, and dysfunction that your children are going to have to deal with the rest of their lives.


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## weakerbytheday (Sep 30, 2008)

I feel like I'm the one that is lonely. I work, come home and work. My wife is a stay at home mom with OCD. The kids and myself come last in her world. If I try to hug her she thinks I want sex. If I want to to talk, she has to tell me that I wrong or truns everything into a conversation about how hard she has it. I feel your pain.


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## Abi (Oct 1, 2008)

OMG. We are living the same life....and I SO feel for you. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel worthless to the people you love the most! 

Check out my blog at www.polythekat.blogspot.com

You can see that I have found a few ways to deal with my 'loneliness' and haven't always made the best choices. But my husband finally agreed to go to counseling over the weekend after I talked to an attorney and brought home papers. So I guess we will see what happens. I finally did decide that I deserve better and so do my kids. Think about how this will affect your kids? I always said I didnt care if I was getting hurt, but not my kids!

-Abi


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## seraphire (Oct 5, 2008)

You're not alone. I'm also a stay at home mom with a husband who takes me for granted. Before it turned into this, we both worked. I had a great career, made a ton of money that supported most of our expenses, and felt appreciated and loved. Now, almost nine years after we got married and had three kids, our life together is non-existent. He comes home, eats dinner, plays with and says goodnight to the kids, and sits on his computer IM'ing his buddies until he falls asleep after midnight. He doesn't want to talk to me. If I initiate a conversation, he'll give a brief response and promptly get back to whatever he was doing online. I sit at the computer too. I didn't used to. I used to sit next to him once the kids were in bed and try to talk to him. But I could only subject myself to that for so long, so now I'm online too. Every night. It doesn't help that we live in a town filled with materialistic, artificially tanned automatons. I haven't found one person I can relate to here. I'm originally from a state 3000 miles away and have been here for 12 years. My husband grew up here, and I agreed to live here because his job was here and the schools are thought to some of the best in the country. (I say "thought" because I'm actually quite discouraged by our district so far.) Now I want us to leave. I want my kids to grow up in a healthier environment, in a smaller town where people have different priorities and aren't solely concerned about how many times they can squeeze plastic surgery procedures into one year. If I'm going to be ignored by my husband, I want to be closer to my friends and family. You might ask, "Why should you be ignored at all?" I shouldn't. But we've fought about it. He claims my concerns are simply nagging complaints and he can't "ever win" with me. Not true. A little affection or a genuine conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes would go a long way. He doesn't even try. Divorce is not an option for me at this point. I simply cannot do it to my children. I'm a product of 6 divorces in total. it's brutal and the effects are life-long. also, if we got divorced i'd have no choice but to make that 3000 mile move, but don't know how i'd take my kids away from their dad like that. he's good with them, and they adore him. so divorce is not an option. i simply want my family back. i need to get out and change the scenery every now and then. how do i get him to move? remember: i moved 3000 miles to be here with him and start a life together. i was open to that because i was only 22 and because i naively thought that one day my husband would make a sacrifice for me. but it's not in him, as i've since learned. he's interested in what feels comfortable to him. it's too much to ask him to leave his parents, but it's never been too much to ask me to live 3000 miles away from mine, my three siblings and my huge extended family (16 cousins). I also adopted his religion. I wasn't religiously affiliated when I met him, but he explained how important it was for him to raise his future children in his religion and i accepted that. ultimately i decided to convert so that i could be the same thing as my kids. i'd be fine with my decisions now if i felt that he appreciated me and believed that it was just as important for him to hear me when i have strong beliefs about something, like the fact that we'd have a better quality of life if we moved to my homestate. he's not hearing me though. he keeps talking about how he can't imagine living away from his parents. he's asleep on the couch next to me right now. i ws trying to talk to him about possibly moving and he shut down and fell asleep. Not uncharacteristic. And it's killing me? Any advice? I honestly don't know what to do.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

AloneForever - I don't know much about marriages or anything, but in general when someone treats you that way, you should not take it. You tell that person to stop or change the situation to get out of it. I know it's hard, but you need to take some control of your life and do what you need to do. Don't let this continue!!! You have a choice! Would you want 40 more years of this silent hell, or a few years of rough spots starting over and/or working it out for a better life for yourself in the long run?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

AloneForever said:


> Hello everyone
> 
> I am so depressed and alone, and have no one to talk to. I have been married over 7 years and have 2 children under 5. I don't know what to say nor where to start from, but I need to talk, I need to get everything out of my system. I am so tired, day by day I physically feel the ache in my heart as it breaks further and further.
> 
> ...


Darlin, don't you EVER be afraid to leave a man, and more so, one like that. Don't be afraid you will lose your kids. Does he make you feel that you will? If you can prove how he treats you, he may only get to see his kids, but not have full rights to them. Honey, come on.. 9 times out of 10, the man does not want the responsibility of the kids 24/7. Most men don't want the child that long, It will take away from what they want to do. Don't believe those threats..if you leave me..you will never see your kids again. That is a lot of bs. EMPTY THREATS ! Go see a lawyer for advice, if you have taken enough of his crap and want out. 
Good luck to you, and hugs to you.


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

Honey said:


> Darlin, don't you EVER be afraid to leave a man, and more so, one like that. Don't be afraid you will lose your kids. Does he make you feel that you will? If you can prove how he treats you, he may only get to see his kids, but not have full rights to them. Honey, come on.. 9 times out of 10, the man does not want the responsibility of the kids 24/7. Most men don't want the child that long, It will take away from what they want to do. Don't believe those threats..if you leave me..you will never see your kids again. That is a lot of bs. EMPTY THREATS ! Go see a lawyer for advice, if you have taken enough of his crap and want out.
> Good luck to you, and hugs to you.


My husband has custody of his son from a prior marriage. And I am in the same type of situation. He fought his ex to the bone to "take her son from her" and won. If I was to have children with him, he has said that he would do the same to me if I ever left. Needless to say we have none yet, but I would love to have at least one more of my own. The longer we stay married though, the more I think that maybe I shouldn't go there with him. We too were perfect in the beginning... and he has become that same type of man, that I have to walk on eggshells around...that I have to be aware of everything I do, in fear of doing it wrong...and never getting any type of affection because he just doesn't see it necessary... That emotional abuser that the above quoter's have also mentioned. How do we let ourselves get this far from ourselves? I'm working on being me again...I have realized that I do not want to live this way anymore...but do I just give up on having children with him? We had been trying for a long time, until I broke down and actually realized what was happening to me. Unless things miraculously change over night and he no longer has that power over me, I'm thinking its not such a good idea. But what do I say to him?


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