# My Turn -- Filed for a divorce I don't want.



## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

I'll save you all the reading, and give you the stats. Me 36, her 34, D7, D4, 14 years of marriage.

My story is as similar to most posted as the stories I hear at AA meetings. Change a few details, insert some names, and I've read my story on here time after time.

I'm the hard working family guy who drank too much, and put too much into work, and not enough time at home. Just before our 14th anniversary, she walked.

I went on a two day bender and drank A LOT, and ended up checking into Detox. I am currently 26 days sober, and actively involved in a very serious long-term recovery plan.

Unfortunately, days after leaving (moved in with family) she changed the kids' schools, and started moving on with life. R is nowhere on the horizon.

I did all the dumb stuff posted throughout here, and while I limited everything to one phone call a day, which usually lasted a couple minutes to talk to the kids, and maybe a sentence or two from her, I was doing all the dopey dumb, save my marriage stuff that doesn't work.

Hit 180 in full swing last Friday, and the reaction was interesting. Unfortunately, attorney said if I don't get out in front of this school thing, I won't be able to shove the toothpaste back in the tube later. I've also only been able to be with the kids for a sum total of about 7 waking hours and one overnight in the last month.

So, unfortunately, time was of the essence, and I filed yesterday and served her today. No contact so far. She did let the kids answer the phone tonight and speak to me, but nothing from her. Based on the chronology that I have seen on here, I fully expect to get the "I love you but not in love with you" as her next step. 

I've resigned myself that I can't do anything about what she's gonna do, I can just try and do what's best by my kids, and that is keeping them in their home school, and having as close to equal time with mom and dad as possible.

Not really looking for sympathy, nor advice, at this point, since I don't have any idea where this will go tomorrow; I just wanted to thank all the members who have posted their story to give me guidance and hope ahead of me, and maybe make the next guy who comes along after me feel a little less alone--you guys have made me understand that there are a lot of us sharing the same struggles every day! It helps!

Thanks guys!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sounds like you have things in the right order - focus on yourself - keep adding those sober days to your life, and focus on what is best or the kids. The rest will take care of itself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, you need to focus on the kids. Once you get things like the kids school and an interim custody/time sharing plan in place... a divorce can take a long time. Just keep moving the final court date out.

Who knows some things might change. A divorce can be stopped up to the time a judge signs the final decree. And then there is always remarriage after that.


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

Thanks guys! And EleGirl, your second and third sentences are right where I am at.

I was scared to death to "get legal" because I didn't want to cause any more damage to the marriage than there already is. I was very torn. Two things changed me:

1.) Learning about the 180, and taking care of me (which is kind-of [exactly] what they are teaching me in rehab)

2.) Applying literally the serenity prayer.

I decided that I CANNOT change what my wife is going to do, no matter what I do, so I need to work on me (accept).

I realized that I CAN change the outcome of my relationship with my kids and help make sure they stay on the right academic plan (My D7 is VERY advanced, reading at 7th grade level, and has a specialized plan to nurture her social growth while challenging her academically) if I was willing to take action (courage to change the things I can)

Once the time urgency of these basic orders of parenting time and schooling are done, I can breathe a bit, and as you say, see where the divorce process goes, and push things out if we are moving in a positive direction.

I also (self-protection) have the ability if this thing is completely dead 90 days from now, to not beat the dead horse, and move on emotionally with the finality of a divorce.

I can not bear the thought of spending the next 90 or 180 days in limbo, just to have her decide to file, and then have to wait 90 more days for a judge to make it final. I don't believe I have the emotional strength to take it that long!

Thank you again for your thoughts!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She won't decide to actually "do" anything.

She just drifted into posOM's arms.


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

So, no contact from wife since she was served Tuesday. In with the papers, I asked her to come to the table and discuss my child's school, the (unlicensed) therapist that she's been taking the kids to without my approval, and parenting time.

NOTHING. She did speak to my dad yesterday and inform him, "He's not getting his way." No compromise, no counter offer. Nothing.

Today I filed an emergency motion to put the kids in my care, and expedite our situation in front of a judge. That finally got her attention. Although my motion was denied on merit (judge said it wasn't an emergency), there WAS enough merit for him to expedite my motion for temporary orders, so we can at least get some kind of a routine started. 

I'm waiting, but hoping to be in front of the judge tomorrow. No matter what happens, I know that I've done everything in my power to act in the best interests of my children.

It tears me up how much she despises me, but I will keep plodding onward. I've got to keep a proper face on for the kids!


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Whodathunkit said:


> So, no contact from wife since she was served Tuesday. In with the papers, I asked her to come to the table and discuss my child's school, the (unlicensed) therapist that she's been taking the kids to without my approval, and parenting time.
> 
> NOTHING. She did speak to my dad yesterday and inform him, "He's not getting his way." No compromise, no counter offer. Nothing.
> 
> ...



Fingers crossed! Way to push!


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

This is still new and fresh, but I want to testify to one thing for sure:

This 180 stuff works. I have been the calmest, most level headed, rational person throughout these most trying last 24 hours, and I owe it to getting resigned to reality, and focusing on things that I can affect or change, and not wallowing about stuff I can't, nor chasing her.

It ALSO is driving her nuts. She is trying so hard to not speak to me, but when I quit feeding her information or questions, she just doesn't have the self control to not come barreling through the phone trying to get information.

The 180 tactic tonight was after a disagreement on an issue that we already knew we disagreed on, I told her that my attorney had informed me that she had retained counsel, and they would be speaking in the morning. So, I told her, "We don't have to spend any more time arguing about this,". She tried again, I wished her goodnight, she tried again, I wished her goodnight, she tried again, and I told her I didn't want to hang up ON her, but I was hanging up now, and to have a good night.

She was FUMING when she hung up on me...and I went back to the couch and hugged my kids.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Good for you, whodathunkit. Keep it up, and it will get better.


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

Wow...bring on the drama. Had to give up the kids a few hours ago. Wife falsified an affidavit stating that I was hospitalized against my will for a suicide attempt about a month ago. 

The sad thing is, she could have told the truth, and she probably would have gotten the motion signed anyway. The truth was, and she knows, that I checked myself (voluntarily) into a detox center, for a sum total of 36 hours, and have been sober now for 29 days.

Unfortunately, in order to snake away the kids before the courts shut down for the weekend, she had to lie, so I get to submit those...oh, what do you call them? Oh yeah, medical records-- to show that she perjured herself to the judge next week.

Really? I just filed for divorce on Monday. This is going to be a wild ride!

Caution: 180 can cause erratic irrational behavior on the part of separated spouses. 

The coolest thing? I'm just hanging in my zone...accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can. I'll do some changes next week in front of the judge. For now, I'm going to remain at peace.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Whodathunkit said:


> I'm the hard working family guy who drank too much, and put too much into work, and not enough time at home.


Ok I admit the title of the thread caught my eye, but after reading the thread im REALLY confused.

You have admitted the above quote. Then you say your doing the 180, that's the part where im confused. The 180 is a general set of rules, not an exact set of rules. The 180 is about doing the OPPOSITE of what you were doing that got the marriage in trouble in the first place.

I'm truly glad you have stopped drinking, that's a 180. BUT, you admit you didn't spend enough time at home, so the opposite thing would have been to spend more time being a husband and father? SO you filed for divorce instead???? I must be missing something here. Did you get advice somewhere that filing for divorce was going to scare her back or something? She was already walking away, so you drive her away with the threat of divorce? 

Now its gone full ugly, your title says you don't even want the divorce, and now your surprised she's ticked you threw it at her? Is there another thread where I am missing some facts? If she was having an affair, that's a symptom of problems, not the issue that drove her away. Was/is infidelity a deal breaker for you? Do you still want your wife back?

I'm really really trying not to be critical, obviously im missing something here. Maybe you could clear up some facts for me.
The 180 is from the book divorce busting and divorce remedy from Michele Wiener-Davis. Did you read either book, cause its pretty explicit that if you want your marriage to work, then you NEVER use the word divorce, much less file it.

Maybe i'm way off base here, if so, then I apologize. I just read the thread and see a lot wrong with the way the strat was written compared to how its being used here.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Thumper said:


> Maybe i'm way off base here,


I would say you are.

He's doing exactly what he must be doing. A wife who leaves and attempts to sabotage a father's access to his children is not a wife. She killed the marriage. Her part in the demise of the marriage is now much more significant than whodathunkit. 

Demanding divorce, custody, leaving and acting hostile towards a spouse is considered an act of war. It's abusive and does not merit a loving response. In cases of extreme abuse, it's justified because it's perhaps the only way out, but I don't get that vibe from whodathunkit's posts, so I'm going to guess his wife is actually involved in an affair (or the idea of it).

He's honest enough to say he does not want to divorce his wife, and that's the truth. He's not the one who left and took the children. His wife did. He's not the one who lied to the authorities in an extremely hostile act of sabotaging access to children. His wife did.

Yeah yeah yeah, whodathunkit may have neglected his wife and drank too much, but tough sh1t. Marriage is no walk in the park. His wife betrayed him.

Good stuff whodathunkit. You're doing the right thing. Your wife will face her own demons in time. She betrayed you when you needed her most. That's not easy to forgive and impossible to forget.


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

^^^ What synthetic said.

The critical part I believe that you missed, Thumper, was that the only reason I filed for divorce was to give myself legal standing to have an opinion in my daughter's school choice, and to be granted legal parenting time by the court.

By sitting back and "hoping for the best", I was allowing her to deny me access to my children, and allowing her to move my children to an unknown school district 45 minutes away, and outside the Advanced Learning Plan that has been developed for my very gifted daughter.

As far as the 180--that's mostly me changing from hoping / begging / chasing, trying to get my wife back. Detailing her car, sending her flowers on our anniversary, leaving her little one sentence I love you notes. I tried that for 3 weeks and it not only drove me crazy, it just gave her the satisfaction of knowing I was desperate.

Hopefully between my comments and those of Synthetic is clears things up a bit.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I was just asking questions, no where did I say sit back and hope for the best. The 180 technique is a proven method when used correctly, I just made a comment that its not being used the way the book was written. 

I will respectfully withdraw myself from posting in the thread again. I hope you get what you want, really I do. Was just saying maybe you want to read the book Divorce Remedy, your using 1/10 of the strat that makes the process whole.

It took years for your marriage to reach that point, so that means it cant be fixed in weeks or months. 

Heres the free website/forums you can read the full 180 theories:

DivorceBusting.com - Forums powered by UBB.threadsâ„¢

plz give it a read if you so choose.

I apologize for trying to help, your still so early in your sitch that its not too late to make it work, but its a process. I've seen worse cases fixed when using the book. I hardly post on this site anymore, due to the negativity. Your both so busy trying to hurt each other, instead of fixing the problems.Good luck.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Thumper said:


> I was just asking questions, no where did I say sit back and hope for the best. The 180 technique is a proven method when used correctly, I just made a comment that its not being used the way the book was written.
> 
> I will respectfully withdraw myself from posting in the thread again. I hope you get what you want, really I do. Was just saying maybe you want to read the book Divorce Remedy, your using 1/10 of the strat that makes the process whole.
> 
> ...


Have you ever had access to your kids withheld? In my mind, that is war.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImInShock (May 28, 2013)

Never mind.


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