# Is a child better off with parents separated parent



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

If the parents aren't happy but could coexist for the child just , is the child , 11, better off with them all living together even if separate bedrooms or even two houses on the one property , or is it better for her if one just moved out and they just start new lives separately and she has shared time with both separately ?
Our property is 1 1/2 ac , we could build a second house over the other side of it and one of us could move into that one so that we could both be here for my girl growing up.
I just don't know if it's a good idea or not.

Thanks for any help

ps , excuse the double parent in heading , it won't edit.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

I'm beginning to think no. 

My parents stayed together after my father had an affair and my W's parents drifted apart after the death of a son but stayed together for the kids. 

I feel we have both turned into our parents. Only staying together for the sake of our kids. In the end, I fear my sons will think our unhealthy marriage is normal and fall into the same pattern as my W and I. 

I'm definitely at a crossroad right now and am battling with the same question you ask.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Jason439 said:


> I'm beginning to think no.
> 
> My parents stayed together after my father had an affair and my W's parents drifted apart after the death of a son but stayed together for the kids.
> 
> ...


Yeah , that worried me , God it's f'n hard isn't it.
I grew up with unhappy parents too , separate bedrooms , so there ya go once again . I was thankful sorta , to have them both there but I can't really remember to be honest what I thought about them living like that. Sometimes though I did wonder why my dad put up with my mum, remember that much.
Do you know though , 20yrs later , they went full circle and actually got back together . married 56yrs in the end before we lost them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No. NO NO NO. Do not stay together 'for the kids'. If you don't want to be married to the person you are married to, then get a divorce and show your kids that they do not need to settle for a life of unhappiness just because they have kids.

I get the rage when I see people saying they're staying together for the kids. it is SUCH a bad idea.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> Yeah , that worried me , God it's f'n hard isn't it.
> I grew up with unhappy parents too , separate bedrooms , so there ya go once again . I was thankful sorta , to have them both there but I can't really remember to be honest what I thought about them living like that. Sometimes though I did wonder why my dad put up with my mum, remember that much.
> Do you know though , 20yrs later , they went full circle and actually got back together . married 56yrs in the end before we lost them.


My parents are still together after 41 years. Not sure how happy they are, but they try. It is nice having them together, but I wonder how it affected my attitude towards marriage/relationships. 

It's a hard choice to ponder for sure.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I would say no. As children, we look up to our parents, rely on what their actions are in a relationship. If the father is the cheating spouse in a relationship, the son will think that cheating is alright. If the mother takes the abuse of the father, the daughter will learn that is what is expected of her in a relationship. It will become a vicious cycle as they teach their children the same and very difficult to break.

As for myself, I grew up in a home where my father was diagnosis with a rare form of multiple sclerosis when I was twelve. My sister, mother, and I would take turns watching him. It taught me that you stay with your partner if they are sick. My husband was diagnosis with clinical depression. I hope my daughter is learning devotion and loyalty from myself.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

If you are both unhappy, then it is still a "broken home", regardless of whether you stay together. How much, how bad? No one can say.

But your other posts suggest anger & resentment. Not a healthy environment for a child. At least apart there is a chance one or both of you can find healthy relationships. Though a 2nd house on the property sounds good on paper - and perhaps financially - there is something to be said for some distance that would let you both live better/happier lives.

Children can adjust either way and you can both still be good parents, even living apart.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Depends. In my opinion, I could have stay for the kids. My ex wanted out and couldn't wait. We were never angry or dramatic with each other. After 25 years of marriage, he just wanted out after being unhappy. I don't know the right answer. After the divorce, we played on the same "team" the parent team and tried out best. Our daughter was 16 years old and was angry. Very angry and is still having a difficult time after the anger subsided. She is having trouble finding her way. Is this normal for her development age-yes but that sudden anger that came after wasn't normal. 

Hindsight is always 20/20.


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## wvsense (Aug 22, 2012)

I do not believe there is ever an easy answer or solution when teens/children are involved. I am currently debating the same things. My husband and I have been married for 17 years and I have stayed for our 15 year old daughter. Our opposite attract personalities have always sparked us as friends but combated us in adult,marital, and parental decisions. She is caught in the middle of our failing to communicate and compromise together for topics about her life. I see the hurt, pain, resentment and anger in her eyes and it hurts me. My husband has always belittled me in front of our daughter and to her. I have told him several times through the years not to discuss our adult problems with her. She's never forgot this. I am going to personally talk to him tomorrow to give him one more ultimatum for family counseling, marital counseling and working with me instead of against me causing problems on our daughter or I am moving out and we'll let the court settle our divorce. It's been so hard to realize the verbal abuse he has done to me but even more our own daughter and the effects that both of our choices have made that impact her. His life is about his way or the highway. I always felt I could tolerate everything and bring up the slack to make our marriage work. My parents failed because of domestic abuse and sexual child abuse. My husband's parents were neglectful to him but a very stable home and loving environment for the majority of his years. We were two individuals from different lifestyles and upbringings. But he felt he could help me and we'd make it through anything. A real smooth talker that his actions could never back up. I am tired. Our daughter is hurting. I can tell you from my experience that if I had a do over I would not have married this man nor subjected our daughter to this tension filled and harsh family environment. We have tried separation in the same house in separate rooms and it has not worked. I am out of solutions but to pack and seaprate and leave him to try actions to change or move on taking my daughter with me and letting the courts handle the marital ties. I love this man but I do love his actions, negativities, and failure to communicate and compromise. It's been very hard for me to realize and accept this about him but I can not change him and it's not our daughter's responsibility to keep her parents together. Marriage is hard but when a solution by both can not be found then it is time to end it. The parents will learn to cope through this and so will the children/teens involved. But that first step is never easy and scary no matter what happens. Good luck and best wishes.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks so much people. Yeah I've thought if the split became a mutual thing maybe we become more friends instead than bitter and so maybe we're ok to be around but , that's starting to look like Hollywood in reality .
Reading through here and thanks so much for the input , other info , common sense really I guess, spoke to some child cancelers , so unhealthy and harmful for her to live around adult bs , to see it all the time. 
Sharing somehow , looking like a pretty stupid idea in reality I think.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

I grew up with very unhappy parents. To this day, they cannot stand each other. I wish that they would have divorced because I'm sure it would have changed how I look at marriage.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm not even sure if it''s going to come to all this yet but my wifes acting that radical ,illogically right now there's no telling what brainwave she'll show up with next. So I feel like I've got no choice than to start looking at all the options on the side just encase.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah , that'd be ideal wouldn't it but it's just too dear round here , problem is I couldn't rebuild and I'd have to rent for yrs and really , I've never even like it here anyway.I only stayed for them , typical look where that got me . 
It's sort of starts to get to like well just how much more do I sacrifice for it when look where all my work so far has gotten me.
I did have hopes for one area 1/2 hour away , that'd be great . F'g hell though I just checked their prices last night and there's not a hope in hell . 
I'd so like to handy though , but it's also time I thought of me for the first time if it does come to this, just dunno.






daffodilly said:


> I'd say just divorce, and if you really want what's best for the child, stay amicable and live in the same neighborhood. I know a couple who did this, they each bought a small house in the same school district so they could share custody. Best arrangement I ever saw...but tough to do I imagine. They were even civil with their ex's SO later on. Really it was a win-win for everyone. But hey...no way I could have done that with my ex!


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## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

I once read heard something that in low conflict relationships its better for the kids to stay together.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

you are screwed if you do and you are screwed if you don't. If you do, your kids will grow up with the wrong idea of what a marriage should be, if you do, well, what's the point in getting married if you end up being divorced? 

I'm in a very low conflict marriage and I'm staying...


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