# OK - Gave Up Hope Today



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

So, I thought I would go ahead and give my own thread today. Almost two months separated and my W came up today to "Help" with some stuff. She wanted to watch a movie - never happened. I made her favorite meal for lunch and we were talking about different things and then it happened.

I asked if we were going to talk about the elephant in the room and then we did. Spent three hours talking and I am officially getting a divorce. Because she doesn't love me anymore. What a crock of s**t. Oh, I will never be able to love you again, but I still care about you. To hell with that. She gave up that right by wanting a divorce. Thank God we didn't have kids because now I can move on and never have to see her again (once she gets her stuff out of my - I said it - my house). I know we will have to see each other at the divorce proceedings, but she can't afford a lawyer and I can. I am splitting all of the accounts up. Canceling my credit cards. Moving to a new bank and changing my direct deposit and changing the locks. 

I didn't understand the anger until today. I am really pissed at her right now. Spent the evening with a few friends discussing it and drinking a few (not drunk) beers. She said if she had just told me earlier we might have made it. How is that my fault? Now I get to start over because she wants her freedom. Time to start getting ready for war! I have changed and improved in many different ways and she is still the same person as when she left. What about all of the big plans she had that I was holding her back from? She hasn't done a one of them. Oh, its because she was overworked and sick. BS. I am tired of feeling tied to all of this. Let us see how she fares without my paycheck to support her. Guess I am at the bitter phase. We will see how it goes from here, but it won't be fun. Just hope it is quick.


----------



## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Dante, I am so sorry...  It really hurts. You are one of the most hopeful cases. <Hugs!> 
Dunno myself if it will ever get better. My hopes are also fading fast, apparently couples who separate usually end up doing the 'D'.. Ouch!!!!!


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

I'm sorry, dante. I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand the anger and the bitterness. I seem to bounce back and forth between those two, sadness, and graceful patience (though that last one is rare and fleeting ).

I agree it's best that there are no children involved - small blessing, right? But still. It sounds like you have a good plan - split up your assets, protect yourself, and get a great lawyer. Hopefully your stbxw won't draw the process out.


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

ybg, I know it sucks to have another one fall into this part, but I just can't see her making any changes. She still won't admit that she had a large part in the breakdown of the M. She has some bs about how her only fault was not being strong enough to handle all of the issues we were dealing with. I didn't want to give up hope, but she forced it out of me. I still appreciate all of you here on the board and hope that your situation is better than mine. I just can't stand feeling like this anymore. The anger is better than the pain. I really hope that there are some success stories for all of you. Mine, it seems has imploded into a void that I don't want to deal with anymore, so I will let her go on her merry way and let her have her "freedom" to do what she wants. We will see how far she gets. By July 1, she will be truly on her own. 

Ninja, thanks. I am just glad I have friends here and on this board to help me out and a great counselor and family to help me through. My parents have already told me that they will help me out with whatever money I need for this and to keep the house. I will strip all of the memories of her from "My" house and start over. I guess I am still young enough to start over, although it is tough to see at this point. There has to be someone out there who will appreciate who I really am, not the clouded version that she sees right now. 

I guess I still have the hope that she will turn around and realize what she is missing, but even if that does happen, no guarantee that I would take her back now. Just ranting again, but I guess I need it now more than ever.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Dante, please let me join you in your misery. Here's to us <raising my beer bottle>! I too finally and officially now know it's over. She just said to me in a conversation we were having that her fear about not selling the house fast enough is that I would be thinking that we still have a chance. That she cannot ever trust me again and the she resents me for not trying hard enough at our marriage. Hummm, are you and I now officially members of the "Wife Told Me To F-ck Off" club?

As for me thinking we still have a chance, pffft, I would be an idiot to think about staying in a toxic relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Brighter, I raise a glass back to you. I had about the same thing said to me today, but with a lot of I don't think stuff added in as well. WTH! I don't think! She keeps with the soft weak language that gave me hope in the first place. When she uses "I don't think" and "I'm not sure" what am I supposed to think. She said she wanted to be able to move to another city if she wanted to. I guess I was tying her down with my great job and nice house and everything else I gave her. Let's not mention everything else because I will just get ticked off even more. I think I just need to go to my bed and stretch out and forget that the last 13 years ever happened. It's over and I am moving on. Better off without her now.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I'm joining you! Yeah man, the "I don't think..." thing has got to be driving you nuts. At least mine is more direct and to the point; like - I don't trust you. I resent that you made me do this..." 

Whatever, I guess I will have to learn to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dove83 (May 8, 2011)

here here to moving on! who needs them. Will be divorced oct 12th and happy.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Dante (and everyone else)
Have any of you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? If not, you should. It really is a good book.

Dante, I do believe you have read it, so I will remind you that if you truly are done, then let her file. Don't do anything out of emotions. In other words, don't jump on anything. Give yourself some time to grieve and process this information. 
If at all possible, do not speak or communicate at all with your W for the next few days, how ever may tempting that may be. Give her a chance to see what life will really be like without you in it. It might bother her and it might not, there are no guarantees.

There is no reason why action needs to be taken right this very second. Even if you just give yourself a few days.

If she wants the D, let her file and get the process going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Funny thing is if I am on my own, I don't feel like giving up, like there is some hope that he could come back.. But everytime we are together, he extinguish all hopes inside of me by saying 'It's really OVER.' And what sucks is he is calmly saying it, so I don't know... Just praying for a miracle that could turn the tides. 

Dante, have u ever tried just doing all the compromises on your own, like if she wouldn't take any blame on the failure of the marriage, then let it be?? Because the way I see our situation is that if we are saving our marriage and if it is currently on the flatline, then first-aid is much more important than a long-term cure.. I mean, once your W is onboard the reconciliation then that's when you start asking her about what she is willing to do for the marriage, right now it's all up to you.. 

Sorry, I may be wrong but this 'first-aid' philosophy is what I am trying to employ and yeah, I could be committing grave mistakes.


----------



## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hi Dante, been following since yesterday. I hope all goes well for you. It's time to concentrate on your own healing now.


----------



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Can I join the club? Have been separated 3 months, she has made murmurings of getting back together, never said it was over (fence sitter). I filed back in Jan and I got the paperwork for the court that accuses her of adultery which she accepts along with her signature. When I saw it in black and white something died inside of me and I'm just really pissed off that anyone can walk away from a decade of marriage and break apart our family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DG, we are going to file pro se so I don't know if that means that one or the other has to be the one filing or if that means there is no "file first" and it's a joint filing. No reason to bring in a lawyer if we agree on all of our finances and our kids are grown and on their own.

YBG, I've been all compromise - she pretty much feels like it is 90% my fault. I have not argued nor disagreed but did not agreed that it was 90%; I have let her vent and I just listen. She also makes me feel as if the stress she says I caused her was the reason for her cancer; she's hinted to me a couple of times already that the stress caused her illness! Yeah, I've been living with this almost unbearable guilt that I woulded her so deeply emotionally that her defenses were weak and she got this dreadful desease - and I still didn't argue with her - how do you argue with someone who has that? You can't. The pain I have been through the last 2 years, I can't describe it, so I hide and numb my sadness and pain. Again, how are my pains supposed to compare to having cancer? My feelings are trivial compared to that so I have to suffer in the shadows.

IN, I know about being pissed off - mine walked away from 36 years of marriage. I am on such a roller coaster ride that I can't even think straight at work sometimes.

I am so thankful you guys are on here. I don't know how I would be able to get through this without letting some of my emotions go on here.


----------



## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Brighterlight - I understand what you mean exactly.. H is also blaming me why his life is in shambles right now, always saying he has a mental illness and I now realise that I maybe the trigger to this condition.. I also can't argue with that, like really we are not good together - how am I suppose to have any hope if I cause him to be unwell??


----------



## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

dante, I'm so sorry. I agree with solitudeseeker - concentrate on healiing from all you've gone through the last couple of months. ((hugs))


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

YBG, I am surprised to find anyone else on here that is having to deal with that guilt of feeling like you inflicted some illness or unhealthy condition on your significant other. I am so sorry because I know how it feels. Not that it is true that you caused something to happen to them, because no one can prove that it is related, but it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that I may have been partly responsible for having someone become so ill. I can never have a fair fight with her over this marriage, I alredy feel defeated because of the fear of feeling as if I was the cause of someone's serious illness. But on the other hand, one is responsible for dealing with their own happiness. They could choose to be happy or choose to be sad; I think it's a choice, and we certainly did not inflict that choice on our SO.

I can't fight for my feelings fairly without feeling some guilt. Sometimes, I just want to crawl in a hole and die!


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Ok all. Had a very bad day today. I know I talked tough last night, but today I broke down at work and cried for an hour. What do I do about the woman who I loved for over a decade. The one I promised to spend my life with who now says she doesn't love me anymore. How do I cope. I made an appt with my C today and am heading there in a few hours. I want to be able to move on, but there is a large part of me that wants to not move on. 

I know I have to focus on myself, but I am so torn. I need to do all of the things that I talked about last night but I can't bring myself to do them yet. She emailed me today to tell me she spent more money on some stuff online. She said not to worry that she would pay for it very soon. All I have spent money on is therapy and self-help books. Got a new one in the mail today and almost threw it out. I am just so confused. 

I feel like no one will want me if I leave her (which I know is not true), but that is just the way I feel. I don't want to date again. I don't want to learn about a new woman and love again. I just want her back in my life and my arms. Everyone in my life says the same things and the ladies that I work with are getting really pissed off at her for all she is doing to me. My mother is not happy about her behavior either. Guess they all love me and want me to be ok, but all I can think about today is her. Help!


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well dude. It will take a while before you feel like you can put yourself out there again. At least that is what I keep getting told. If can't imagine loving someone else after such a long time either. I guess we have to stay the course and move forward. I hope your C can help you today. I know that I do not have an option but to go my separate way, she made that very clear to me last night. Sometimes I feel like just finding somebody else to just spend some pleasant time with, but then I think about how that other person would feel and I bring myself back down to reality. At other times, I just want to be alone. I do find some solice and peace going to the chapel at our church but I can't spend my whole life there looking for answers either. I got all the answers I think I need from those prayers but when reality hits, I feel like I am falling again.

Let us know how you do at the C. If she is definitely gone (and you would know), let her go. Find yourself again, you have learned from the school of hard knocks how to be a better man; use that to your advantage.


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

light,

Thanks. You all have been so great to talk to. I am so glad I found this board. It really does help even if I spend my time crying on the keyboard . I just can't stand the rollercoaster anymore, but what else can I do but buckle up and ride it out. This whole process is making me crazy and I can't figure out why she won't just give it time to work itself out. All I asked her for was time, but she is adamant on moving forward with her life. If that's what she calls it. I guess maybe she will, but I have not seen the evidence of it to date. I am leaving here in a little while for my C session and I will be telling him that it is time to move forward. I guess the 180 with the divorce proceedings is my last ditch effort to get her back. If not, I will move forward and live a good life. Just doesn't feel like it can be a great life. Guess we will see. Good luck to us all.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

No; I think you will feel differently a few months from now. You can have a great life. Maybe this is all in the plan; maybe there is someone out there for you that you never even could have imagined being so wonderful. I know you don't see it now and I am right there with you, I don't either but I have a very close friend of mine at work who has been through a lot in life, his current and 2nd wife has been with him for 18 years and she is a sweetheart. He deserves her, he is a great guy. Been helping me a lot on this terrible journey. Hang in there man. I hope we can all come back on this board someday and give people on here encouragement on how happy they are now and have found someone new. IT'LL HAPPEN!!!


----------

