# Husband with physical problem and can't admit it



## LilyStone (Feb 17, 2013)

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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

LilyStone said:


> ...He has agreed to see a urologist and has also agreed to marriage counseling


:smthumbup: I hope this will help!



> I don't know what to do anymore.


Yes you do, you have convinced him to seek professional help for his problems. And he has agreed to! That's already 40% of the battle won!

Now be optimistic and wish for the best! We are praying for you! :smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh my goodness, that is some elephant in the room and you two have been ignoring it or pretending to ignore it for a very long time! Then it took a crap, stunk the place up and he's mad cause he can't ignore it anymore. And your mad cause he's blaming you for the stink when he shoulda done something about it himself in the first pace!

As a wife in a similar circumstance, been married 28 years, I understand the fear of hurting him if you had brought it up; the frustration that he wasn't taking care of it himself; the hurt of him sending the signal, by ignoring it, that not having sex with you was something he could live with. 

You really have one issue with a few major symptoms. You two have not communicated very important information to one another. He should have been to the doc a LONG time ago. You should have brought it up the first time you saw him step out of the shower after you noticed it. If your husband had noticed a suspicious looking spot on a part of your body you don't often see for yourself, would you expect him to bring it to your attention or wait for you to notice and do something about it? But, coulda shoulda woulda gets you nowhere so lets move forward.

I suspect he's blowing up about this Other Man because he knows damn right well he hasn't been taking care of his husbandly duties. But the lack of communication leaves him in a void, where he can imagine all sorts of reasons why you haven't said anything about it. Why you haven't complained about not getting any. Then, he finds evidence of another man and jumps to the conclusion that you've been getting your needs met by that guy and that's why you've been content to not have sex with him. For all we know, your husband may think that you are unaware of what's happening to his penis and you shocked the crap out of him when your threw it in his face.

I apologize if this feels like I'm scolding you. I'm not. I'm just trying to relate how I think your husband might see this issue.

You two need to talk, honest, hard, honestly brutally hard openly talk. No thoughts held back, no feelings censored or filtered.

So you started a friendship with another man. You have to end that right now. No more communicating with him at all. Your husband is in a very vulnerable spot and now more than ever he needs to know you are true to him and him alone. Your marriage is more important than this friendship, right? I know it doesn't seem fair but you have to choose, you can't have both because of the state of your marriage, the lack of openness between you and your H, and the seemingly sneaky way you conducted this friendship. 

I always tell my husband when I run into old friends, just to be certain he never feels like I'm hiding something.

But, here's what Husband needs to do. Get his a$$ to the doctor and invite his wife to go with him. Men, as you already know, minimize their symptoms. You can probably give the doctor a better history than he could! Next, your husband needs to come clean with you. He has this vibrant wife who loves sex and then sex disappears and he has nothing to say about it? COWARD! So he's not making love to his wife, not spending time with her, not making her feel loved or special, shutting her out... What the hell did he expect would happen? Older is not dead. Older is not defective. Older is supposed to be wiser, more experienced, less fearful of honesty. Life lessons should have taught us better than to ignore something as important as your sex life. Bad move husband, almost cost you your wife!

As Ira Glass said at a commencement speech, "Dont be a d!ck!"

Marriage counseling may be helpful to get you two back on track. I found this web site's info very helpful for me: Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice 

They have some really good info as it relates to emotional needs, communicating those needs.

When is his doctors appointment? You are planning on going right?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife has a facebook account and has male friends and it doesn't bother me because I trust her.

Your hubby should be working out, weight training, some supps to get his test levels up and sex drive. But he isn't doing any of this, right? 

His responsibility is to take care of himself for you so this wouldn't happen!!! Another reason I weight train and take supps and won't stop.

Then you met an ex bf from 35 years ago. You're sexually starved, lonely and text him a bit. Totally understandable. But I would recommend not texting this ex bf anymore. This could lead to something more.......dangerous. I know, been there.

Your hubby then freaks out?! Insecure hubby???

Would I rather go golfing, fishing, not take care of my body and sex drive for my wife and marriage? NEVER!!! And I work a stressful full time job too.

It's good that he is finally getting marriage counseling and seeing a urologist. About time. Hope it works out for you and especially in the bedroom.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

You had an emotional affair. I think your husband has every right to be as upset as he is. You confided in another man. A man you used to date. That's wrong. 
Build your trust back up with your husband if you want your marriage. Cut off the OM and focus on your husband. Marriage counseling and a physician.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Regga said:


> You had an emotional affair. I think your husband has every right to be as upset as he is. You confided in another man. A man you used to date. That's wrong.
> Build your trust back up with your husband if you want your marriage. Cut off the OM and focus on your husband. Marriage counseling and a physician.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh come now... An emotional affair out of a few conversations? How do you define emotional affair? Men and women are allowed to have friendships, and even share personal info without it being an emotional affair, aren't they? Cause if that's your definition...I have had a bunch of them over the years, and so has my H.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't think she had an EA either. It was only a few texts and she was lonely, understandable, considering her hubby isn't taking care of business in the first place. He set this all up, not her!!!

Now if she was texting her ex bf for a long time, sexting, etc. then that would be an EA.

I've done this as well in my past but not anymore and I don't even have a facebook account, all my choice to eliminate the temptation for me. Hot women, I am weak. Don't put myself in that situation, and I don't go to the mall, beach, or hair stylist, my wife cuts my hair and I weight train at home. Temptation from some hot woman, is gone.

This may sound silly to you but I am weak when it comes to women.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Surely this is not an emotional affair. The other man is dating someone else, happily, and the OP appears not to have a problem with that.

She has confided a problem and to my mind it is no different than confiding to a girlfriend, except that it could be more helpful to confide in a man in order to get the male perspective.

I know all about the roommate syndrome; suffer from the same thing. I've not had sex with my husband for 3 1/2 years. I am sure he would be upset and defensive if he knew I was confiding in others but I say tough.

I'm glad you've got him to see a doctor and I hope it works out for you. The counseling should help you deal with the issues of your contact with your friend.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I understand her husband's reaction. She: 1. Ran into an old BF, 2. Started texting her old BF, 3. Discussed relationship concerns with her old BF, and 4. Was NOT FORTHCOMING about seeing/talking/texting the BF. 
Old flames die the hardest. You were getting attention from OM, who was a BF at one time! And you didn't tell your husband: why???? 
I will admit I am the jealous type. If my husband is talking to other women regularly without me knowing, there is a problem. 
I just don't believe your telling us everything about your old BF and the feelings you had toward him. Relationship discussions are pretty sacred.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh come now... An emotional affair out of a few conversations? How do you define emotional affair? Men and women are allowed to have friendships, and even share personal info without it being an emotional affair, aren't they? Cause if that's your definition...I have had a bunch of them over the years, and so has my H.


uhh... the part where she talked about her and her husband's sex life... to a man she used to date. Call it what you like but she crossed a serious boundary.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

yellowledbet said:


> uhh... the part where she talked about her and her husband's sex life... to a man she used to date. Call it what you like but she crossed a serious boundary.


Alright, talking with other man, an ex to boot, about state of sex life mightn't have been the best idea, but as a formerly neglected wife who is also wondering those age related self doubts, seeking reassurance seems the logical, predictable next step. Is it him or is it me? I would go so far as to say that's really on the line of being acceptable.

If I reverse the roles and have me neglecting my husband for years and yeas, and have he talking a few times with another woman... It still isn't an emotional affair. It's bordering, but not there.

Being jealous and territorial will only get you more fights. Ease up, take care of your spouse and they will take care of you.


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## LilyStone (Feb 17, 2013)

Delete


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I disagree with the EA. my best friend is a guy. He's married and I'm with SO. He and I talk about absolutely everything! We have for over 7 years. It has never crossed any inappropriate lines and I'm friends with his wife also. Often when he says she's stressed I will pick her up and get her out for a few hours. Just because you talk to someone of the opposite sex does not mean its an EA.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Alright, talking with other man, an ex to boot, about state of sex life mightn't have been the best idea, but as a formerly neglected wife who is also wondering those age related self doubts, seeking reassurance seems the logical, predictable next step. Is it him or is it me? I would go so far as to say that's really on the line of being acceptable.
> 
> If I reverse the roles and have me neglecting my husband for years and yeas, and have he talking a few times with another woman... It still isn't an emotional affair. It's bordering, but not there.
> 
> Being jealous and territorial will only get you more fights. Ease up, take care of your spouse and they will take care of you.


Like I said, call it what you like. I would call it disrespectful and humiliating. I would also infer that her talking about a bad sex life to this guy was opening the door for a sexual relationship. I don't care how it is categorized or what label you put on it, I think it is flat out shameful. The situation with her husband is very tough but it doesn't justify her actions. 

What reassurance is she looking for? It is clear her husband has a physical condition. Is her 'first love' going to reassure her that it is a physical condition. 


Anon Pink said:


> Ease up, take care of your spouse and they will take care of you.


Exactly... take care of your spouse. If that was the focus for BOTH of them, this thing may have already been solved.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

As anon mentioned, the first step is to see the urologist... and you need to be present. He will be embarrassed, and he may not want you there, but you need to make that happen. You have to be part of that conversation.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'd probably freak out if my hubby started chatting with his first love or any past ex meaningful relationships. I feel bad for your husband. He's not getting your support like he should be. Especially if he had the feelings you have. 

We all have physical appearances that we can not change. I had a massive neck injury that prevents me from running. I ran 36 miles a week and had a super toned body. Unfortunately my body has changed a bit and my husband still deeply loves me, he's extremely athletic himself. 

Because of my husbands reassurance, I still have the confidence I need to have a very healthy marriage. My husband is my best friend. He's the only one I go to if there are problems.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You refuse to talk to your husband who laid down his very life for you. Because it will hurt his feelings.

You start an affiar instead. I think you figured out how to hurt his feelings.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LilyStone said:


> I did tell husband about running into old BF. he hardly acknowledged it.


Now there you go. A man paying attention would have not only acknowledged this but might even have obsessed about what it might imply.

A few months ago, I came home from a hilarious happy hour with my two bff's. I told my husband about the joking and teasing we do with each other. I also told him that I ran into a man who was my first kiss. The man was twice divorced and currently dating a woman 20 years younger. Told H about the conversation we had and that the end result was that I was propositioned and ended up promising that if I ever decided to cheat, I promised to "give him first crack at my married a$$." I thought it was funny. H laughed, but then later he said it bothered him that "other men were making me feel attractive when it should be him making me feel attractive." I said you're right it damn well should be, so what are you going to do about it? I guess that thought marinated a while and he realized how neglectful and how damaging he'd been...after I finally decided to leave though....

The point I'm trying to make is when there is a long history of not attending to the other persons needs, sometimes it takes a drastic event to slap them upside the head with reality. They've gotten away with being neglectful for so long, they pass it off as insignificant, a phase she's going through, a stupid book she's read.. 

Talk is cheap. Show me how you're hearing me. If you don't show me that, you are showing me you don't care.


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