# Need my TAM friends to make me feel better



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Well today is the official end of my marriage. I had been hoping with a small bit of thread that for the sake of our family we would work it out. But he said the only way we could work it out is if I take blame for his affair cause I made him unhappy so it is my fault.

I refuse to take blame. I may not be perfect but I do know the way to fix an unhappy marriage is not an affair.

Please somebody tell me that I am doing the right thing and someday I will find happiness again. Just one inspirational story is all I need. Just something to hold on to.

Thanks


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You did not cause his infidelity
You did not make him cheat.
That is all on him. 100%.

He had options, option that he denied you. You could have communicated about your problems, you could have sought MC, or IC. He took that away from you and gave you lies, and deceit and betrayal.
Everyone on the face of this earth deserves better. Kuddos to you for not accepting his attempted blame.
Stand tall. You will make it through this.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> Well today is the official end of my marriage. I had been hoping with a small bit of thread that for the sake of our family we would work it out. But he said the only way we could work it out is if I take blame for his affair cause I made him unhappy so it is my fault.
> 
> I refuse to take blame. I may not be perfect but I do know the way to fix an unhappy marriage is not an affair.
> 
> ...


You found dignity, the courage to stand up for yourself. Happiness is just around the corner. Treat yourself to something nice - you deserve it.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I was talking to a friend the other day that had a H that cheated on her over & over. She finally got fed up & run him off. She told me she thought she would never be happy again, But she found someone that adores her. She says now she is happier than she ever was with her x "the one she thought she couldn't live without" This inspired me so I thought I'd share it with you..


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Read Bashful Bull's thread here on TAM. His wife cheated on him and even did so with drug dealers which eventually landed her in prison for her addiction and actions. He divorced her and over the Xmas holiday remarried this time to a kind and loving woman that thinks the world of him and he is worlds happier.

I see him still posting on TAM occasionally (in fact I think he posted yesterday or today) and maybe he will come by to give some kind words and inspiration to all.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It is his loss.

someday he will realize what he threw away.

Do take some time for yourself.

Hope you find some peace. Be nice to yourself. Do something that you enjoy.

Good luck that the rest of the year will be better for you.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Need to feel better? OK.

I've just dropped off a box of assorted chocolate truffles, a Victoria's Secret gift card, and 2 lbs of pre-cooked bacon in the mail for you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jelly_bean said:


> Well today is the official end of my marriage. I had been hoping with a small bit of thread that for the sake of our family we would work it out. But he said the only way we could work it out is if I take blame for his affair cause I made him unhappy so it is my fault.
> 
> I refuse to take blame. I may not be perfect but I do know the way to fix an unhappy marriage is not an affair.
> 
> ...


jelly-bean, 

In 1999 my then H started an affair with a woman who had 4 kids by 4 different men and was unmarried. I suspected something was up, but never in my wildest dreams would I ever have even conceived that he would be unfaithful. That Christmas and the New Year of 2000 he ran away to be with his wistress--didn't tell anyone he was leaving just up and disappeared. For a whole year I tried to save the marriage and he would make promises but do nothing. Eventually he even stopped making the promises. We separated and I filed for divorce. This REALLY made him mad, and he made my life living hell--but in early 2002 it was final. 

I was a MESS. I got custody of the kids and they were a mess. So I took several years to get my own self in order, get my kids some counseling, get my finances in order, etc. By 2004 I had been in divorce support groups, a women's support group, a domestic violence support group, anger management classes for myself, five years of personal therapy, and two years of therapy specifically about being with an abuser. My financial house was in order (I had a good, steady job--bills were paid, etc.). And my kids were doing much better. I had spent enough time getting to know ME and my weaknesses and my personality that I had an idea of what I wanted in a healthy partner and I thought I might be ready to try dating. 

Well I was in my later 30's with two kids in their teens, and I'm not exactly a skinny Minnie, so I didn't think there would be many men interested in a woman like me. I didn't NEED a partner--I just enjoy sharing life so much I kind of hoped that I'd find someone to share with, you know? I *HATED *dating!!!!! Hated it! The men I met either had baggage (and that's why they were single) or it was like this giant game of "I'll get a free meal/free sex by having a date with someone who I have no intention to get to know better." Let's just say that is *NOT ME!!*

So I stopped dating and just decided to hang out on forums kind of like this and help other folks who were going through the same thing I went through. I made many friends on those forums, and yep I count them as "real life" friends because 15 years later, there are some I'm still in touch with! And on the occasion a fella would catch my eye at the coffee place I frequented and I'd ask him out. Another fella I met at the yoga class I took and I asked him out. Those "dates" were a lot better because we had something in common (at least) but no spark ever flew. So again I figured I would just keep going with the flow and keep having a happy life...

...and sure enough, when I least expected it, I met someone. It took about a year but that's not too bad, right? We met on a forum (not this one but one sort of similar) and he was doing like I was: helping other people go through what he went through. He had FIVE KIDS and like me sort of figured no one would ever want that many step kids, so ... he went with the flow just like me! Well, we got to know each other and the more I got to know of the man, the more I admired. I loved his wit and he was even more intelligent than I am. And long story short, I was AMAZED to discover that at 40 years old, I could feel like a teenager about someone and fall in love again! I honestly did NOT expect that!

So have courage, jelly-bean. I can't guarantee it will happen for you and you'll find your Pransome Hince like I did, but I can offer you HOPE. It can happen. You can be happy again. You can be happy on your own! And who knows? 'Out there' someone might be getting ready to meet you in a year or two and just knock you head over heels.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> he said the only way we could work it out is if I take blame for his affair cause I made him unhappy so it is my fault.
> 
> I refuse to take blame.
> 
> Please somebody tell me that I am doing the right thing and someday I will find happiness again.


I'm sorry jelly bean. Not only are you doing the right thing; you're doing the "only" thing, that any self respecting BS can do.

You will find happiness again I'm sure, and you'll be stronger in the process.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I dumped my cheating ex-wife after years and years of gaslighting and false recovery while continued cheating and acting increasingly odd.

Did that in 2012.

I remarried 2 years later.

Worth it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your marriage. Sounds like you did the right thing in divorcing him if he was unwilling to commit to the marriage.

Did you ever expose the OW to her husband? 

Divorce sucks but things to get better with time. You will be fine.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> Well today is the official end of my marriage. I had been hoping with a small bit of thread that for the sake of our family we would work it out. But he said the only way we could work it out is if I take blame for his affair cause I made him unhappy so it is my fault.
> 
> I refuse to take blame. I may not be perfect but I do know the way to fix an unhappy marriage is not an affair.
> 
> ...


Well, you're not the cheater he is. That means you can find a good person that can trust you. Cheaters can't be trusted. If he finds another woman he'll probably have to lie to her. Cheaters lie really easy. He'll probably tell her you cheated. If that was really his stance then you should not be overly sad to move on. That's a sad excuse on his part. Hopefully you'll stick around here so we can all share our pain together. It helps.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Thanks everybody. That was exactly what I needed. I know I am doing the right thing but it is hard. My STBXH is not a good husband and honestly is barely a good man. I wish our lives weren't so twisted together with the business and the kids. Just too much contact. He reads my sadness as me missing him and wanting him back, can't get him to understand how sad I am that he threw our life away and shows no remorse for it. But it could be worse, I have a good career that pays all the bills, I have my family and the few friends that he didn't chase away, a nice roof over my head, and my health! And the only good thing from the marriage I have my beautiful babies. 

One friend said to me when you are least looking for happiness is when it will usually find you! My happiness might not be with a person it might just be my freedom!

Thanks again everybody


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry to hear about your marriage. Sounds like you did the right thing in divorcing him if he was unwilling to commit to the marriage.
> 
> Did you ever expose the OW to her husband?
> 
> Divorce sucks but things to get better with time. You will be fine.


You know this is gonna get me a whole bunch of hate on for this post LOL But no I have not told the OW spouse yet. But I did have coffee with the OW this week while my STBXH was out of town. We were "friendly" before this happened and she does still work for me. I was shocked to find out how she was also manipulated by him. She has text messages from before I could see them where he told her that I had left him and the marriage was over. Don't get me wrong she is still in the wrong and not getting a free pass but I did have a bit of sympathy for her as he really played both sides well. She has told her husband now that she is unhappy in the marriage and wants to go to MC. And he agreed. And she has promised to bring up the EA in counselling. So far she has kept every promise to me unlike my STBXH so I am willing to give her some time to see if she can salvage her marriage. She has even asked if I would consider going with her to a session. Not sure about that, I will ask my counsellor. In fact if my husband had done even a few of the things she has done we would not be heading for divorce. Maybe they will make it and something good will come out of this. I did tell her that I doubt her husband will be okay with her working with my STBXH still to be prepared for that.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

How about a joke to brighten your mood. 

One day a father and his teenage daughter were driving on the highway behind a garbage truck on the highway when all of the sudden the truck hits a pothole and out of the open back come a life like dildo which bounces of the mans windshield. His daughter asks what that was and the father, knowing full well what it was, says "Uh, it was just a bird, don't worry about it" to which the daughter replies "Wow, that bird had a real bid d1ck"


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Nope, this is not on you. He cheated, he covered it up, he had plenty of other more healthy and responsible/respectable options that he chose to ignore.

With that said...

You don't have to decide right now that "Today is the official end of my marriage." What you should decide is that today is the day you've decided to file for divorce. Filing for divorce, and all the prep and planning that goes into that is very often the best way to deliver a wake up call. I'm not saying you should dwell on that, or hope for that, and certainly don't plan for it or focus on it, but it is possible. It's possible that he just doesn't believe you'll really stand up to him and decide that you won't put up with his nonsense anymore. Once he see's that you mean it, you're walking away, he might wake up and realize what he's done and reconsider his choices. Maybe.

So for now (and I'm saying this to help make you feel more confident in the decision), don't worry about having to decide if the marriage is really over or hopeless right now or not. Right now is the time to take the first step of filing for divorce in order to start your road to recover, recoup your self esteem/respect and ultimately lead to a happier and less stressful life. Maybe your husband wakes up and decides he's willing to do what it takes to be a part of your life in the future, and maybe he doesn't, but either way this is the correct first step.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> How about a joke to brighten your mood.
> 
> One day a father and his teenage daughter were driving on the highway behind a garbage truck on the highway when all of the sudden the truck hits a pothole and out of the open back come a life like dildo which bounces of the mans windshield. His daughter asks what that was and the father, knowing full well what it was, says "Uh, it was just a bird, don't worry about it" to which the daughter replies "Wow, that bird had a real bid d1ck"
> 
> ...


That reminds me of a "Little Johnny" joke I heard about 25 years ago.

Little Johnny comes in from playing and has to go to the bathroom real bad. The door is closed, but he's not made it in time before, so he whips the door open and runs on in to the bathroom.

Well, by chance his Mother had just gotten out of the shower and didn't even have a chance to grab a towel to cover her self.

Little Johny points at her neither regions and asks "What's that Mom?!"

His Mother thought quick as she grapped a towel to cover up and says " It's from your Dad. He tripped while chopping wood and hit me there with the axe".

To which Little Johnny exclaims' WoooW! Right in the @#$%!".


They always know more than we ever want to believe they could.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Maybe my little fairy will grant you a wish


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Forest said:


> Need to feel better? OK.
> 
> I've just dropped off a box of assorted chocolate truffles, a Victoria's Secret gift card, and 2 lbs of pre-cooked bacon in the mail for you.


bacon?

Now you're just playing favorites:rofl:


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> bacon?
> 
> Now you're just playing favorites:rofl:


Something for every mood. Well, I guess I left out the pepper-spray.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> Well today is the official end of my marriage. I had been hoping with a small bit of thread that for the sake of our family we would work it out. But he said the only way we could work it out is if I take blame for his affair cause I made him unhappy so it is my fault.
> 
> I refuse to take blame. I may not be perfect but I do know the way to fix an unhappy marriage is not an affair.
> 
> ...


You could save your marriage by killing your own self??

Ah... NO!

You are right. That's no way to save a marriage.

You are making the right decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> You could save your marriage by killing your own self??
> 
> Ah... NO!
> 
> ...


As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.


There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root.

Thoreau.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> Please somebody tell me that I am doing the right thing and someday I will find happiness again.


Have no fear, Vellocet is here!!!

Oh honey, I can tell you straight up that your decision to free yourself from this blameshifting, untrustworthy SOB is going to be the best decision you ever made.

Take me, when I found out about my wife, I was devastated. I feared most how it would affect my children. But in the end I wasn't going to do my children any good being miserable in a marriage with a cheating POS. 

I divorced her. Best decision I ever made. I'm not going to tell you it wasn't tough, because it was. The dealing with the lawyers, the fretting over finances. But after it was all said and done, the smoke cleared, and I could breath again.

You will find happiness. Whether that means the peace of being single, or having fun dating again. And remember, you will always have your kids!!!

P.S. The destruction of the family unit is on him....NOT YOU!


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