# H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home



## InOverMyHeart

For the most part, I trust the uninhibited anonymous opinions of this forum. I really need to vent about this and please someone tell me if I am in the wrong or if I just need to get over it. I most times feel conflicted inside about hating that they are living and taking over my space; and supporting my H's decision.

Details:

A little over two months ago, my H received a text from his ADULT son that he and his GF were being evicted for not paying rent. H ignored the texts initially because his son is known for not wanting to work or be responsible. The son did not text for awhile and it was later discovered he was living with an aunt. About a month ago, the aunt calls stating that she had to go out of town and she did not want him & the GF in the house while she wasn't there. It was supposed to be a few days, but I figured out that she used the 'going out of town' as a way to get him out of her home. Well, he calls dad as he is supposed to....

My H talks with me about the situation. We were both under the impression that the GF was working, but his son was not and we developed a game plan for them based upon her due date. They have until Sept to move out and they would have to pay $500 per month to help out with expenses. As we know, you cannot live anywhere for free. Two weeks after getting settled, the GF lost her job. The first month the rent was due, they were short $200. The son took a temp job but has not gotten paid yet. And it's looking bleak that they will have rent for June.

Which brings me to why I talk & pray & throw my worries on the alter for God to handle. I am attempting to support my H and the family, but it is really challenging when they do not want to support themselves. I ask H daily what is his game plan in the event they cannot pay in June. I ask what should I prepare myself for in the upcoming months. Should I get ready to have a newborn in the house when we have juniors in HS? Should I get in the mindset that perhaps they will be here until we get rid of the house next year when we move into a condo? 

Our boys suffer from the added expense of providing meals for 2-3 extra mouths (I'm adding the GF twice cause she is pregnant) and then the increased expenses of maintaining a household... water, laundry, gas, etc. This does not include they want to drive the cars but cannot put fuel in them. 

I feel like a wicked witch. I want to be so mean that they want to leave. I want to starve them and not care. I want to hoard my funds for the kids and not worry about them at all. I want to put their stuff on the street to force them to start showing concern for what they will do next. I want to yell as soon as I walk in the door from work and they are hanging out in my kitchen (my relax place). I want to yell when they go in my bedroom and take things out without asking. Arrrggggh, I am angry because they want to feel at home here and I could give two craps about how they feel. 

So, I am venting to you all. I am attempting to gather different prospectives about this... I feel horrible, mean, selfish, hurt, undervalued, angry and all out ready for them to go all at the same time. 

Thanks.


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## bkaydezz

Ok think you could ease up on this situation. If you are helping out of love for your husband, that's what it needs to be. 
If he wants to show his son unconditional love then you should respect that.
Hopefully they will understand while being there that they need to handle some of the load and be responsible for themselves.
I cannot disagree more with having them pay the equivalent of rent payment there when that could be saved to move out since you do
Not want them there. If they do give you the rent, save it for them. And in four months you have a reason for them to go.
All I know is if they are having a hard time and can't pay there rent, that isn't for them to be judged. Not everyone in this world is made of money. I think you are being resentful. It will bite you back and cause problems later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Does his girlfriend have a family?

I've been through something similar. Here are things that I learned.

Tell them that they have to go get food stamps. The two of them can either be considered as one household with two people, or two households of one person and one pregnant person. For food stamps there can be multiple household within a physical house. Each household has to prepare their own food. Let them cook for themselves and clean up after themselves.

She lost her job? Has she applied for unemployment? Why did she lose her job?

She needs to apply for welfare, get housing etc. She's an unemployed pregnant woman who needs a place to live. Tell her this.

You need to give them tell them to stay out of your bedroom. If you have to, put a lock on your bedroom door. Make them uncomfortable because what they are doing by going into your room and taking things is being horribly disrespectful

Is there a day labor place in your city? If so you can tell his son that he needs to be there every day to get work. Here where I live they have to be at the day labor place at 5am. 

Tell them that when they are not working, they need to be doing work in your yard, house. They can do all the kitchen clean up, the yard, and on and on.

One time my step-son tried this (he was out of high school and a habitual moocher) and he was unemployed of course. So I told him that he had to be up and out of the house every day before I left for work. He could only come home at night when I was home. So he had to spend the day job hunting. He did not stay long.

Make it so that they are not lazying around.


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## InOverMyHeart

bkaydezz, thank you for sharing... like I said I feel really conflicted about this...

Let me also mention that this is about the 4th time his son has moved back home without a job and this time he brings his GF. Yes, I am a bit resentful and yes, I feel conflicted about that too.

I'm at a point where to go one way I'm enabling but to go the other way I'm not very polite.


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## EleGirl

InOverMyHeart said:


> bkaydezz, thank you for sharing... like I said I feel really conflicted about this...
> 
> Let me also mention that this is about the 4th time his son has moved back home without a job and this time he brings his GF. Yes, I am a bit resentful and yes, I feel conflicted about that too.
> 
> I'm at a point where to go one way I'm enabling but to go the other way I'm not very polite.


Is your husband working and contributing to the household expenses? If so what % do each of you contribute?

My response was based on what you are saying here... that this is not a first time that your step son has done something similar and you are tired of being the one who has to support him.


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## InOverMyHeart

EleGirl, thanks for sharing... to answer your questions:

He was on food stamps, but claims he lost them due to not verifying information. She is on WIC, but dodges questions about food stamps for herself. She claims she applied for housing, welfare but she does not have a cell phone any longer and the number on the application is wrong. I've offered to take her to the housing authority to get this straightened out. 

She lost her job because it was closer to the place where they used to live across town and it was impossible for H & I to get her to work always. Then one day they (son & gf) got in an argument and she just did not go back. 

I am on the same page with you about working, day labor and housework, locks, the whole nine. Being the woman, and this not being my son, I come across beachy when I begin to enforce rules. When we have conversations with them both, my H leads the conversation. And he is a lot more leaniant until he gets angry. 

I'm beyond ready to scream.


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## onlylonelyone

The thing I learned over letting our kids and siblings move in over the years is if you expect nothing you won't be disappointed. Our rule has always been don't pay us... You get 3 months... If after 3 months they don't have any $ saved all they can do is blame themself as they had a 3 month free ride. They either leave when time is up or get 24 hours to find a new sucker to mooch off of lol. I go thru this all the time it sucks and no one ever respects our agreement. So u might as well charge them and save it for them


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## InOverMyHeart

Yes, H is working full time and we contribute equally to the household. 

What I mean by supporting H are his decisions. Not financially. 

H was widowed about 10 years back, I believe he made promises to take care of her son regardless. Son uses his mother as a crutch to not take care of himself. I attempt to walk my role and support his decisions.


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## InOverMyHeart

Oh, GF burned bridges with her family years back. She has another baby that her mother is raising. This is a lot of drama~

Or, I could be making it a bigger deal. 

Sorry ya'll I really am venting. Tomorrow may be a better day when I put a lock on my bedroom door.


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## PBear

Your problem is your husband. He's letting them take advantage of your house, and doesn't have the cajones to put and end to it. He's enabling his son's poor decisions and bad behaviour. Until he puts a stop to it, this is your life. His actions have a reasonably strong possibility of destroying your marriage through the resentments that are festering. 

C


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## InOverMyHeart

H & I just R a little over a year ago.... This situation is really taking a toll when all I desire is to focus on working together, supporting one another so our marriage has a fighting chance.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## EleGirl

InOverMyHeart said:


> EleGirl, thanks for sharing... to answer your questions:


Like I said, I’ve been through this.


InOverMyHeart said:


> He was on food stamps, but claims he lost them due to not verifying information.


That is no excuse, he can apply again. You can go online and download the application. (search for your state). Then sit down with him and make him fill it out. Tell him he has no choice. He will use your address right now so you will see when he gets the mail asking him to verity the info so you can have him fill it out.


InOverMyHeart said:


> She is on WIC, but dodges questions about food stamps for herself. She claims she applied for housing, welfare but she does not have a cell phone any longer and the number on the application is wrong. I've offered to take her to the housing authority to get this straightened out.


Don’t let her dodge the question. You are not responsible for feeding her. Sit down with her too and get her to fill it out. Same situation as the step-son.
She can get a free cell phone. Search online for how she can apply for it. 
She can use your or someone else’s phone number until she gets a phone. All she has to do is to go down to the office and update the application.


InOverMyHeart said:


> She lost her job because it was closer to the place where they used to live across town and it was impossible for H & I to get her to work always. Then one day they (son & gf) got in an argument and she just did not go back.


Oh so she quit going to work. They sound very very young.


InOverMyHeart said:


> I am on the same page with you about working, day labor and housework, locks, the whole nine. Being the woman, and this not being my son, I come across beachy when I begin to enforce rules. When we have conversations with them both, my H leads the conversation. And he is a lot more leaniant until he gets angry.


You can find a way to be tough but not harsh. What I’ve done is to tell them something like “Look I love you but I cannot afford to support you. So I’m going to help you in every way I can. Let’s fill out your application for food stamps, etc. Let me help you.”


InOverMyHeart said:


> I'm beyond ready to scream.


I can imagine.
You did not answer my question about whether or not their father contributes to the finances of your household. This bit of info is really important.


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## InOverMyHeart

EleGirl, thank you for the pointers. Yes, H works & we contribute evenly. If we didnt have a 16 & 17 yr old in the house to witness & consider it might be a litttle easier for me to noy get all bent out of shape. But they see whats going on & haven spoken their minds more than once.... 

Son & GF are 26/24. At this age I was serving my country in the Air Force, I am unable to relate to laziness.

I will do some research on free phones, daily work & print all the applications for gov assistance...

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## EleGirl

InOverMyHeart said:


> EleGirl, thank you for the pointers. Yes, H works & we contribute evenly. If we didnt have a 16 & 17 yr old in the house to witness & consider it might be a litttle easier for me to noy get all bent out of shape. But they see whats going on & haven spoken their minds more than once....
> 
> Son & GF are 26/24. At this age I was serving my country in the Air Force, I am unable to relate to laziness.
> 
> I will do some research on free phones, daily work & print all the applications for gov assistance...


Oh I get your frustration. 

Like you I have never been lazy or mooched off anyone. I started working at 16. Then started college, started a jewelry manufacturing business. Sold it. then went into the Army. Come out and finished college.

I don't get lazy and non-productive. It drives me nuts.

{{{{hugs}}}}


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## forevermemorable

Enabling! Enabling! Enabling! You are very right to feel uncomfortable about your husband's son and girlfriend living in your home, because it ought not to be so. A loving friend or family member should never enable someone's laziness or a lack of productively. Its called a hand out and the person that looks to the hand out, usually ends up looking for that hand out for the rest of their life.

Unfortunately, I venture to say that your husband probably did not teach his son how to work for a living by showing an example or training up the child in the way he should go. Not just that, but your step-son lacks integrity, honor, and patience. I know this, because he does not delay gratification until marriage, but he has taken upon himself to fill the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh.

So, in your son's case and his girlfriend, I would never never never have them live under my roof while living a sinful immoral lifestyle that is contrary to what my wife and I believe. HOWEVER, if there are no morals in your household, than forget what I said. BUT, if there are morals and you bring in leaven (sin) into the home, you can be assured there will be turmoil, frustration, stress, etc. etc. etc. No matter the answer, it is not good for your step-son and his girlfriend to be there!

With regards to enablement, listen to what the Word has to say in Matthew 7:6, "Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces." The idea is, what God has given you (house, money, time, etc.), don't throw it to those who take advantage of you and take the good gifts God has given you for granted. This is where your step-son and girlfriend find themselves in, as they move from family member to family member. The bottom line is, your step-son does not want to work, but he wants to play and mess around and he has not suffered the ultimate consequences of his actions. And he will not learn a lesson as long as people are supporting him and enabling him.

The greatest hope your son has is for him to truly come to the end of himself and realize that He needs a Savior to save him. Sometimes we don't know that Jesus is all we need, until He is all we have.


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## forevermemorable

InOverMyHeart said:


> I believe he made promises to take care of her son regardless.


Famous last words! That is a very terrible promise to make. That is basically telling his son that he does not have to work for a living or have responsibility. Your son has lived for the past 10 years and will continue to live life with a sense of entitlement, because your husband has put that before him.

I am sorry, but your husband does not love his son the way a father should love a son. I venture to say that your husband takes a non combative role in your marriage and in life in general. I am really not trying to put down your husband, but to show you where your step-son is today is a direct result from a lack on proper raising and training.

There is no other way about it, the son and girlfriend need to go. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about it! And it will never get better for your son or girlfriend as long as people are enabling them. Ultimately, your step-son needs to man up and take responsibility for his life, his girlfriend's life, and his soon to be child. No one should do this for him!


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## InOverMyHeart

Good morning everyone! Im so relieved I shared this, it feels good to get it off my heart. 

Heres my gameplan: I will go online today to find out all I can about gov assistance since I dont know where to begin. I will print out what forms I can & sit with them this evening. I decided yesterday that Sunday service is not enough & will be back at church tonite to find relief from this storm. I jimmied around with how to break into my locked bedroom last night so I will lock my door when I leave today. 

Those are actions, I feel its what I can do to enforce my stance on the situation. Any pointers on how to deal with my complacent (sp) H? I am the more agressive one & he constantly makes me aware of it.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## InOverMyHeart

forevermemorable, I shared the scripture verse you posted here with my H, he thought it was applicable & then asked me what scripture said about patience.... You know, Im inclined to quote the protigal son... at least after he lived & ate with the swine he learned a valuable lesson.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## PBear

Personally, I think you're starting at the wrong end of the problem. You need to get your husband on the same page as you with regards to the issues, and present a common front. THEN deal with the son and his GF. Otherwise, you'll be fighting an uphill battle all the way. 

You may get more input if you have this moved to the general forum. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InOverMyHeart

How can I get it moved to a different forum?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## bkaydezz

InOverMyHeart said:


> bkaydezz, thank you for sharing... like I said I feel really conflicted about this...
> 
> Let me also mention that this is about the 4th time his son has moved back home without a job and this time he brings his GF. Yes, I am a bit resentful and yes, I feel conflicted about that too.
> 
> I'm at a point where to go one way I'm enabling but to go the other way I'm not very polite.


OH OK! So there was more to add to the issue.
Well, I cant understand how frustrated you would be. 
That's makes sense. 

You can only do what you can do. While you feel like you can do nothing, you can always do something.

I can understand the stress of giving up your privacy numerous amounts of times to help someone who is- (now that I have a better understanding)-ungrateful and lazy. I don't understand how he has no work ethic? Maybe he thinks he can just come back and come back. That's probably part of the issue.

I really hope he gets on the ball with finding some work and understanding that he has not one but two, and very soon a third life he has to be responsible for. 

Sorry you are frustrated. Hopefully things will come of more ease to you.


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## COfan

I'm glad that you are doing the things that _you_ can do, ie..put a lock on the bedroom door, gather facts about gov. assistance, etc. Since you mention that this is the _4th_ time your husband's son has come back home to live, it sounds like it's time to break this pattern in both your husband's and his son's life. Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke is worth reading...written from a Christian perspective as well. Maybe your husband will read it..it'll be better for his son in the long run and also for your marriage and family life. Hoping for the best for all involved.


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## forevermemorable

You should not move anything to any new thread or forum! Keep it here, because this is where everyone knows the facts and circumstances.

Second, I really really really can't stress it enough that you should NOT be helping your step-son and his girlfriend get public assistance (via Section 8 HUD, welfare, food stamps, etc.). Don't put the cart before the horse! In this case, your step-son is the horse and you can't beat a dead horse. Well, lets hope that your step-son is not a dead horse; than I should say, you can only lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink from it. You should not spoon feed your step-son responsibilities that he needs to take to better himself, to live life with integrity, honor, respect for others, taking care of a family, etc. And he needs to marry his girlfriend. If he is sleeping with her and making a baby, than he best be owning up to marrying her. Again, you can just "POINT" your step-son in the right direction. It is entirely up to your step-son to take leaps and bounds and man-up and put his big boy pants on!

The idea and endevours you are taking to assist your step-son is just a means to an end. This process of helping him out just goes to get your step-son and his girlfriend out of your house, but it only serves to further enable his situation. My strong advice to you is (and I know everyone else would agree on this one), let your step-son figure out what to do on his own! He is of age and if there is any common sense or wisdom in his mind, he will figure out a way to handle this thing called life. You cannot do life for your step-son...he must do it by his own efforts and strength, with where he is today. Of course, this is not to diminish that we need to do all things through Christ, who gives us the strength to, but this is not where your step-son is at today, so you and I cannot apply that passage to him. In reality, your step-son needs to hit rock bottom of all rock bottoms. As long as people are enabling him (you, your husband, the government, etc.), HE WILL NOT LEARN THE LESSON!

The step-son and girlfriend need to be sent out on their way and you and your husband need to pray pray pray and let the Holy Spirit direct the path for your step-son and his girlfriend!

Thirdly, the prodigal son scenario doesn't really apply. In that story, it was about arrogance and pride on the son's part. Your step-son is dealing with laziness and licentious! Although there is some truth to the prodigal son that needs to take place in your step-son's life, there are far more greater things that he has to face and deal with in life. If your step-son is a backslidden Christian, I would say that 1 Corinthians 5:5 applies, "deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." Also, 1 Corinthians 5:11, "But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person." The bottom line is, your step-son is living in sin and neither you or your husband should support that under your roof, nor should you be fellowshipping and eating with!

Fourthly, you can deal with your complacent husband by loving on him, submitting to him, respecting him! You can speak truth and wisdom by not lording over him or beating him with the Scriptures (I am NOT saying you do). Speak softly, gently, respectively, with lots of patience! In fact, let me encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 13 today and let it dwell and soak into your heart and mind by the Spirit.

I agree with some of the other posts...you need to get your husband on the same page with you and you can bring forth truth and wisdom in such a way that would resonate with him. When you share the above mentioned Scriptures with your husband, because I know you will, share it with him in a very loving and peaceful way with the utmost respect and good intentions for his son and his girlfriend. It truly is by love that you two need to turn the son over to satan for the destruction of his flesh. It is by love that you remove the leaven (sin), from within your household.

And than pray, pray, pray! And when you are done with that, continue to pray, pray, and pray!

I will be praying for you all!


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## InOverMyHeart

Everyone, I certainly appreciate your thoughts, prayers & advice. Something broke, God loosed whatever it was binding the situation & they are gone! 

Sometime during the day, the son stole the car & blew Hs engine. This was the eye opener for him & he put them out. 

Whew.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## InOverMyHeart

Forevermemerable, I had not even read your post & was already blessed with the spirit of your message. Its amazing how God works!! I will post more details when I settle down in front of the laptop later.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## EleGirl

InOverMyHeart said:


> Everyone, I certainly appreciate your thoughts, prayers & advice. Something broke, God loosed whatever it was binding the situation & they are gone!
> 
> Sometime during the day, the son stole the car & blew Hs engine. This was the eye opener for him & he put them out.
> 
> Whew.


I think that this falls under "biting the hand that feeds him".

When you say steal, I assume you mean took it with out permission.. not that they were doing something like taking the car to keep it permanently and perhaps move out of state or something thing like that.

I guess it's not your problem any more. At least not for now.

One thing I was thinking about today is that she's carrying your husbands (and your) grandbaby. It has to be hard to know that the child will not be in good hands.


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## TikiKeen

InOverMyHeart said:


> EleGirl, thanks for sharing... to answer your questions:
> 
> He was on food stamps, but claims he lost them due to not verifying information. She is on WIC, but dodges questions about food stamps for herself. She claims she applied for housing, welfare but she does not have a cell phone any longer and the number on the application is wrong. I've offered to take her to the housing authority to get this straightened out.
> 
> She lost her job because it was closer to the place where they used to live across town and it was impossible for H & I to get her to work always. Then one day they (son & gf) got in an argument and she just did not go back.
> 
> I am on the same page with you about working, day labor and housework, locks, the whole nine. Being the woman, and this not being my son, I come across beachy when I begin to enforce rules. When we have conversations with them both, my H leads the conversation. And he is a lot more leaniant until he gets angry.
> 
> I'm beyond ready to scream.


Every excuse they've given you can be handled (in my state, not sure about yours) online. Here, HHS's web site allows us to scan and upload all required documents (we receive CHIPs).

How are conversations with your husband about this situation? While he's the head of the household, I'm sure he's aware that it's prudent to make decisions which exclude you?

I'd suggest house rules in writing immediately, signed as a contract. HHS likely requires at least rent receipts, too, so why not draw up a contract? If H takes issue with this, it might be a good time to revisit Proverbs. (I'm not kidding or trying to be snarky; we're no longer Christian and still refer back to that book for financial and contractual guidance, as well as for reminders that fair treatment doesn't always feel too fair for everyone.)


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## TikiKeen

Oops. I missed the last post.


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## Miss Taken

Glad that they are gone but I do worry for that baby. Losing your job over being upset by a fight with your boyfriend, whilst pregnant with your second baby and having your first being raised elsewhere doesn't sound very hopeful for that grandchild...


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## forevermemorable

Well, the byproduct of having the son and girlfriend live in your home is a damage engine; which will cost you $1,200 - $2,500 depending on your car. That is the price paid for enablement! But that is neither here nor there, since you already know this and I really do not want to beat up the issue of consequences. Live and learn! And all of us have been in the same boat that you have been in before!

Earlier this year, my family housed a friend rent free and paid for all her meals for 2 months. After about 5 weeks, God put it on my heart to let the friend know that she needs to move on and I stood by the decision; even if it meant she would live on the street (which she did not). He who does not work, does not eat! Man has been cursed to work his rear off for the things in this life. If a man chooses to goof off and not work, he does not get to enjoy the good things in life AND no one should support or give into a lazy person.

With regards to your son, he has a lot to learn in life. He is fornicating, stealing, and God only knows what else. And the more he gets into trouble, the better his chances are at coming to the Lord. Sometimes we don't know that Jesus is all we need, until He is all that we have. I hope that your step-son finds the Lord for the first time or finds Him again, because God truly does love him and has a plan and purpose for his life. BUT, he must come to Him. He must draw near to the Lord, that He might draw near to your step-son and the same goes for you and for me. As much as we put into our relationship with the Lord, will be as much as we get out of it. If we sow to the Spirit, we will reap the Spirit. If we sow to the flesh, carnality, sin, than we will reap destruction and alienation from the Lord.

However, I want to leave you with a warning, because I know how things work out in life and I assure you no matter how many times you and your husband have been burned by the son, it is strange thing how often times people open the door once again down the line, when no change has ever happened. And I say unto you, "Don't do it!" Don't allow leaven to infiltrate your home again.

Let the joy of the Lord be your strength!


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