# Don't know if I really want a divorce or just afraid of the unknown



## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

So we have been together for 8 years, married over 6 years. We have two kids 5 and 3. The beginning of our relationship consisted with a lot of partying and all the other stuff that goes on when you're young. As we got older and had our first kid our life changed drastically as most do. She quit her job because the physical demand was too much when she was 5 months pregnant. I started working more to recover the lost income. I was stressed about the baby coming, working so much and her getting upset cause of my lack of interaction with her from being so busy. 

Once the baby was born she wanted to go back to work but couldn't find a job that paid enough to cover daycare and be profitable. She then decided to go back to school. Here parents paid for it and helped pay for day care. She didn't have a degree to begin with so she was basically starting from scratch. Fast forward a year and our second son was born. I was still working side jobs to make ends meet plus now we had a house payment to deal with. I was trying to get us to a point where we weren't living check to check. During this time my wife told me how lonely she was and that she felt I didn't want to be around her or that I didn't love her. Her reasoning was cause I didn't hold her hand in public, or that I didn't want to stay on the couch and cuddle. I have never been to over affectionate type and I admit that. I wasn't however a cold person lacking all romance. I kissed her every morning before work or whenever I left. Told her I loved her all the time. Supported her when she was concerned about her looks and try to lift her up.

I told her that if she wanted me around more and not so burnt out then she would have to get a job. She looked a few places and again realized that without a degree she couldn't get a good job. Then she also decided that the career she was going to school for in the beginning wasn't what she wanted to do so she changed her major which set her back further to finishing school.

During school the beginning of last year she was diagnosed with depression and prescribed some AD. She then made a new male friend at her school that she ended up having a affair with for about a month. I questioned her many times is something was going on with him and her but I got nothing but lies and elaborate stories to the point where I thought there had to be something wrong with me to think my wife would do that. I went to see my doctor and told her the way I was feeling and the thoughts I had and she diagnosed me with anxiety depression. She prescribed me an AD as well. One day my suspicions got the best of me and I placed a VR in my car that she took to school one day. The next morning I listened to it and found out my suspicions were right. I confronted her about it and she got pissed at me for spying on her and denied everything. Knowing I would never get a straight answer out of her or the whole truth I did what I never thought I could do...I asked the OM what all had happened and he actually confessed everything cause he said I seemed like a good guy (because I met him once when she invited him over to meet me) and that I shouldn't have to go through this. He also told me that my wife loved me but she couldn't handle me not being there for her cause I was always so busy.

I didn't feel that I did anything wrong because I was just trying to take care of my family. At first I wanted a divorce right off the bat but she convinced me to do MC to work through it. We did for about two months before it felt like we were just going in circles with the therapist and nothing was getting fixed. We stopped going and tried working on things our self.

We started going to church together soon after the affair happened because she said she had lost her faith and that it caused her to make the poor decisions she has made. Things were starting to look up for a while. We made a lot of new friends there and she even got involved with running the board for the lights and sound with another guy from the church. It was clear right away that they were very flirty with each other behind the booth. You could hear giggling during the service from them. Him and I became friends by her suggestion on how much we would get along. Him and I started hanging out multiple times during the week and he would also come over and hang out at our house for a few beers or dinner. The flirting continued and even some inappropriate comments about my wife's butt and boobs came out. I still just thought it was casual playing around. They then started working on a church project that required a lot of "meetings". During this time this mutual male friend told me one night while hanging out that he was getting divorced. That things between him and his wife had been falling apart for a long time. Their sex life was terrible, she was never around cause of work and he was left taking care of the kids after work.

About a week or two later my wife came to me before I was about to go out with our mutual friend to a bar and said that she has been unhappy for around two years now. That she needed to fain something to call her own because she didn't want to be a stay at home mom or a house wife. She felt that she couldn't focus on making someone else happy until she found what makes her happy. She said she didn't know what to do to achieve that but one thing she was thinking was separation for a while. I didn't know what to say but I told her ok thanks for telling me what you're feeling and i'm not sure how to feel about that but give me some time to think about what youre saying.

I then left for the bar with our mutual friend. I told him what had happened and he replied with "women are crazy...lets just go have a good time and not think about our crazy wives" I was ready to hit on some girls and have a good time...but once I got there I knew that wasn't me so I ended up just having a few beers and just hanging out. The other guy though was on the hunt. He was dancing with numerous women and even making out with a few...putting his hand down their pants. Seeing this going on in front of me just broke my heart then I realized this is the guy that hangs out with my wife all the time. On the ride home he was bragging about what he had done. That night I broke down in front of my wife and told her what happened...she was upset with him. I told her to not say anything to him about it.

Later that week the were having another meeting till almost midnight. I had a few beers and when she got home I broke down and said if this is who you are going to be hanging out with while your out finding yourself during our separation then I think we should just get divorced. I then accused her of having another affair with him and how convenient that he was getting a divorce the same time you asked about separation. Things got ugly for a few weeks after that. I showed up at bars they were at threatening to beat the crap out of him. It became my mission to catch them in some act so I had my proof. I never did till one day a friend of mine was at the same bar her and the OM were at and she had caught them kissing. I questioned my STBXW about it and she claims it just happened and it was a mistake. She then accused me of having someone spy on her.

For the next few months she continued to go to his place or go out to the bar with him sometimes till 3am. Every time I ask her if there is something going on between them she just responds with "what does it matter now? You want a divorce" Then she continues to explain how hes just someone who is going through the same situation and they lean on each other for support. They have started going to a different church together. They watch movies together...Everything we use to do.

My problem is that I suspect her of being intimate with him because of what she did the year before which keeps me from wanting to work things out between us but I also have no solid proof that its gone that far and maybe they are just friends. She still lives n the same house with me and the kids and it it kills me every time I know she's going over there. She tells me over and over there is nothing going on and she feels bad for me that I think of her that way. She tells me how much she has changed and gotten stronger because of what happened last year and that because I'm living in the past i cant move on with her. I'll admit that I still resent her for what she did to me last year and it still hurts. I was told that it was a year and a half ago when the affair happened and I should be over it by now and not throwing it in her face every time shes out with a guy.

I just don't know what to think...am I doing the right thing with asking for a divorce? Am I afraid of the thought of being alone and my once wife in the arms and bed of another man and that's why I considering trying to work it out?


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

The fear or her being with someone else should never be reason to work it out in my opinion. This is a tough thing you are facing and I wish I were qualified to give better advice but in the end you have to take a real good look at the situation and ask yourself, is this marriage what you want and is it better to say in it or not? Everyone is different but knowing myself I would never get over the kind of betrayal you have faced. If I found out my wife kissed another man I would not believe anything else she said after that in regards to how far she went.


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Breakingpoint said:


> So we have been together for 8 years, married over 6 years. We have two kids 5 and 3. The beginning of our relationship consisted with a lot of partying and all the other stuff that goes on when you're young. As we got older and had our first kid our life changed drastically as most do. She quit her job because the physical demand was too much when she was 5 months pregnant. I started working more to recover the lost income. I was stressed about the baby coming, working so much and her getting upset cause of my lack of interaction with her from being so busy.
> 
> Once the baby was born she wanted to go back to work but couldn't find a job that paid enough to cover daycare and be profitable. She then decided to go back to school. Here parents paid for it and helped pay for day care. She didn't have a degree to begin with so she was basically starting from scratch. Fast forward a year and our second son was born. I was still working side jobs to make ends meet plus now we had a house payment to deal with. I was trying to get us to a point where we weren't living check to check. During this time my wife told me how lonely she was and that she felt I didn't want to be around her or that I didn't love her. Her reasoning was cause I didn't hold her hand in public, or that I didn't want to stay on the couch and cuddle. I have never been to over affectionate type and I admit that. I wasn't however a cold person lacking all romance. I kissed her every morning before work or whenever I left. Told her I loved her all the time. Supported her when she was concerned about her looks and try to lift her up.
> 
> ...


Do you trust her, or believe what she is saying about the OM? Aside from the kiss that someone witnessed, do you truly feel as if there is something going on between them?

It sounds like you have your doubts, and with good reason. But only you can decide if you trust her, or if you want to rebuild your relationship.

Not to be harsh, but if she cares about you, she should care about your concerns regarding this OM. If I were her, and my H had issues with someone I was spending time with.. I would stop out of respect to him.

I guess the question here is do you really want your W, or do you just not want to witness her being with someone else? Totally understandable either way. The thought of H with someone else kills me, but if I was done with my M, I'd let that thought go.

Hopefully you can find some clarity, I know the brain can get twisted easily!


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Apologies if this comes across as harsh, but sometimes we need to be. I'm going to tell you what I needed to hear when faced with a similar situation years ago. It might not be what you want to hear though, so take it or leave it.



Breakingpoint said:


> During school the beginning of last year she was diagnosed with depression and prescribed some AD. She then made a new male friend at her school that she ended up having a affair with for about a month. I questioned her many times is something was going on with him and her but I got nothing but lies and elaborate stories to the point where I thought there had to be something wrong with me to think my wife would do that. I went to see my doctor and told her the way I was feeling and the thoughts I had and she diagnosed me with anxiety depression. She prescribed me an AD as well. One day my suspicions got the best of me and I placed a VR in my car that she took to school one day. The next morning I listened to it and found out my suspicions were right. I confronted her about it and she got pissed at me for spying on her and denied everything. Knowing I would never get a straight answer out of her or the whole truth I did what I never thought I could do...I asked the OM what all had happened and he actually confessed everything cause he said I seemed like a good guy (because I met him once when she invited him over to meet me) and that I shouldn't have to go through this. He also told me that my wife loved me but she couldn't handle me not being there for her cause I was always so busy.


There's no excuse for cheating. Any reason given for doing so is invalid. I was in this position, and I still tried to win my STBXW back. 3 years down the road, we're now separated. 

This betrayal will haunt you, and it will be very difficult to get past.



> I didn't feel that I did anything wrong because I was just trying to take care of my family. At first I wanted a divorce right off the bat but she convinced me to do MC to work through it. We did for about two months before it felt like we were just going in circles with the therapist and nothing was getting fixed. We stopped going and tried working on things our self.


I'd say the idea of divorcing her at this point was probably the best course of action. MC can only help with so much, but if the damage is done, the damage is done.



> We started going to church together soon after the affair happened because she said she had lost her faith and that it caused her to make the poor decisions she has made. Things were starting to look up for a while. We made a lot of new friends there and she even got involved with running the board for the lights and sound with another guy from the church. It was clear right away that they were very flirty with each other behind the booth. You could hear giggling during the service from them. Him and I became friends by her suggestion on how much we would get along. Him and I started hanging out multiple times during the week and he would also come over and hang out at our house for a few beers or dinner. The flirting continued and even some inappropriate comments about my wife's butt and boobs came out. I still just thought it was casual playing around. They then started working on a church project that required a lot of "meetings". During this time this mutual male friend told me one night while hanging out that he was getting divorced. That things between him and his wife had been falling apart for a long time. Their sex life was terrible, she was never around cause of work and he was left taking care of the kids after work.


Given the past indiscretions, I'd say that it was fairly justified to feel anxious about this guy. Your wife shouldn't flirt with anyone but you, good women don't do that.



> About a week or two later my wife came to me before I was about to go out with our mutual friend to a bar and said that she has been unhappy for around two years now. That she needed to fain something to call her own because she didn't want to be a stay at home mom or a house wife. She felt that she couldn't focus on making someone else happy until she found what makes her happy. She said she didn't know what to do to achieve that but one thing she was thinking was separation for a while. I didn't know what to say but I told her ok thanks for telling me what you're feeling and i'm not sure how to feel about that but give me some time to think about what youre saying.


Unhappy women often seek comfort in other men, when they should look to themselves to seek comfort. The "I can't make someone else happy until I can make myself happy" is most often just a lie they spin, what they are actually saying is "I've met someone else who makes me happier than you."



> I then left for the bar with our mutual friend. I told him what had happened and he replied with "women are crazy...lets just go have a good time and not think about our crazy wives" I was ready to hit on some girls and have a good time...but once I got there I knew that wasn't me so I ended up just having a few beers and just hanging out. The other guy though was on the hunt. He was dancing with numerous women and even making out with a few...putting his hand down their pants. Seeing this going on in front of me just broke my heart then I realized this is the guy that hangs out with my wife all the time. On the ride home he was bragging about what he had done. That night I broke down in front of my wife and told her what happened...she was upset with him. I told her to not say anything to him about it.


By this point, your wife should have already stopped hanging out with this guy, she's a selfish cake-eater, much like my STBXW. Your wife was upset with him because she had feelings for him, or was jealous of the women he was hitting on.



> Later that week the were having another meeting till almost midnight. I had a few beers and when she got home I broke down and said if this is who you are going to be hanging out with while your out finding yourself during our separation then I think we should just get divorced. I then accused her of having another affair with him and how convenient that he was getting a divorce the same time you asked about separation. Things got ugly for a few weeks after that. I showed up at bars they were at threatening to beat the crap out of him. It became my mission to catch them in some act so I had my proof. I never did till one day a friend of mine was at the same bar her and the OM were at and she had caught them kissing. I questioned my STBXW about it and she claims it just happened and it was a mistake. She then accused me of having someone spy on her.


I'd think given everything your accusations are pretty well founded. Her accusing you of you having someone spy on her (whether true or not) are just her blame shifting to absolve herself of her guilt. This is very common among people engaged in affairs.



> For the next few months she continued to go to his place or go out to the bar with him sometimes till 3am. Every time I ask her if there is something going on between them she just responds with "what does it matter now? You want a divorce" Then she continues to explain how hes just someone who is going through the same situation and they lean on each other for support. They have started going to a different church together. They watch movies together...Everything we use to do.


Seriously? You tolerated this, come on man, wake up. Put on your big boy pants and file for divorce. I know it sucks, and I know it won't be easy. But I guarantee you, one day, you'll be happy again, and you can find someone who truly deserves you and respects you. Don't be a doormat. I was a doormat. Women don't want to be with doormats, they want to walk all over them. Have a little self respect, stand your ground and be firm on your boundaries. It's possible that this will make her respect you too.



> My problem is that I suspect her of being intimate with him because of what she did the year before which keeps me from wanting to work things out between us but I also have no solid proof that its gone that far and maybe they are just friends. She still lives n the same house with me and the kids and it it kills me every time I know she's going over there. She tells me over and over there is nothing going on and she feels bad for me that I think of her that way. She tells me how much she has changed and gotten stronger because of what happened last year and that because I'm living in the past i cant move on with her. I'll admit that I still resent her for what she did to me last year and it still hurts. I was told that it was a year and a half ago when the affair happened and I should be over it by now and not throwing it in her face every time shes out with a guy.


You're right to suspect. Her saying "You don't trust me" or "You think so little of me" etc are another way of blame shifting. She's acting immaturely, hurtfully and selfishly. How is that your fault? Don't tolerate the blame shifting.



> I just don't know what to think...am I doing the right thing with asking for a divorce? Am I afraid of the thought of being alone and my once wife in the arms and bed of another man and that's why I considering trying to work it out?


It sounds to me like she'll be in the arms and bed of another man whether you're married or not. Is that something you really want to put up with for the rest of your life?

I get that being alone is scary, I struggle with it, but it gets easier, and I'm starting to enjoy my own company. You'll get there too in time.

Ever hear the saying "Set her free and if she loves you she'll come back?". Now I'm not trying to give you any sort of hope by saying this, but if she does come back, set your boundaries, hold your ground, and don't tolerate her childish and hurtful behaviour.

Again, sorry if I seemed harsh.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

I appreciate the harsh response...to many people don't give it to me straight so thank you.

Just to be clear, I have already filed for divorce...it will be final in 
January if things continue.

We had a long talk last night after she had asked me to teach her how to change her oil on her car.

I told her that my whole basis for asking for the divorce was because I thought that she was having another affair with the OM. Since you keep saying that it's not true then do you want to work this out? If it is true and something is going on between you and him then please have enough respect to cut me loose and tell me the truth and I wont be mad or vengeful...I will actually respect you more for finally being honest with me. If I find out later after trying to work on us that you lied again i'll loose all respect for you and you will have hurt me once again. 

She then asked me what I considered as something going on...I said kissing, cuddling, being intimate, having a relationship...etc. She told me that they have talked about getting into a relationship on and off and they both agreed that if and when they did it would be a long time down the road because they both just have too much to figure out after the fall of their marriages. That jumping right into another relationship is not healthy. She said yes there is a strong relationship/friendship between them like what her and I use to have that she hasn't felt for a long time. I then started to tell her all the ways she seems to have forgotten how I was there for her emotionally and financially.

She then asked if we could postpone our next friend of the court date so she could have some time to think about what she really wants and needs from me and asked me to do the same. She said that the last few months of what I have put her through with all the tracking, following and accusations has put her through hell and she doesn't know if she can get past that. I then told her the only reason I did that stuff was because she betrayed my trust once and I was afraid of getting hurt again and I was only thinking of myself and I just had to know the truth. That is why I acted the way I did.

I don't quite know how to feel about our talk...I feel like if things continue in the direction of divorce I can at least say I tried. I also fear that if we stay together are we just prolonging the inevitable. I don't want to find out another three years down the road that it was a mistake to stay together.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Breakingpoint said:


> I appreciate the harsh response...to many people don't give it to me straight so thank you.
> 
> Just to be clear, I have already filed for divorce...it will be final in
> January if things continue.
> ...


I'm glad you didn't take offence.

Did you teach her to change the oil? I wouldn't have done. You don't owe her any favours.

So she's admitted that she's having an emotional affair? I would continue on the track for divorce if this was the case, unless she's completely willing to 100% cut this guy out, otherwise the emotional affair will just continue.

I reconciled with my STBXW and we stayed together for another three years before eventually separating again. Whilst I loved her, and to a degree I still do, I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to just let go back then - I wouldn't be going through all of this again now if I had.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

They only became emotionally involved after I said I wanted a divorce...that the way I acted and accused her only pushed them closer together.


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Breakingpoint said:


> They only became emotionally involved after I said I wanted a divorce...that the way I acted and accused her only pushed them closer together.


So she's blaming you for her EA with him? She doesn't respect you, or your M. I'm not a supporter of divorce, I'm all for R but in this case filing should have shown her you were serious.. So she should have taken it seriously and worked on your relationship. By justifying her EA she's making it pretty clear what her choice is.

I'm sorry  maybe a little time will help her clarify things, but if my H blamed me I would definitely reconsider my wanting to save our M.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Breakingpoint said:


> They only became emotionally involved after I said I wanted a divorce...that the way I acted and accused her only pushed them closer together.


Do you believe this? What does your gut tell you?

From my point of view, there had to be an emotional connection there before this, all you pushing her away did was make it stronger, which in all likelihood would have happened regardless of your actions.


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Do you believe this? What does your gut tell you?
> 
> From my point of view, there had to be an emotional connection there before this, all you pushing her away did was make it stronger, which in all likelihood would have happened regardless of your actions.



:iagree:

I don't care how many excuses people make. Affairs are nobody's fault but their own. I'm sorry she's making it seem like you caused this!


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

Breakingpoint said:


> She then asked me what I considered as something going on


that sounds like a rhetorical gambit, answering a question with a question and trying to get you to define the terms and thereby own the responsibility. she knows what 'something' is and whether or not it's 'going on.'


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Breakingpoint said:


> They only became emotionally involved after I said I wanted a divorce...that the way I acted and accused her only pushed them closer together.



Hmmmmmm???? That I'm not buying... Sorry 
~sammy


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

I received an email the other day from a member asking what happened and an update on my situation.

Well the divorce happened. I will have been divorced for a year come January. Custody was split 50/50. No alimony for her, only $400/mo for child support. I moved out and have been renting a house till I figure out where I want to settle down. The boys have adjusted very well which is great news. As for her she became sexually involved with the church guy if they weren't already. She has expressed numerous times her mistakes and how she should have done things different.

As for me, I have made a bunch of new friends...more than I've ever had in my whole life. I've been seeing this girl for about a month now. She is great and wonderful with my boys. There is still some issues I'm battling with from my failed marriage. Mostly trust issues. She's very understanding of my past and is happily working through it with me. She's 28 years old, no kids, very cute and has her life together. 

I will probably be on here more discussing my issues I have to hopefully get past them and move on from my fears. I appreciate all that have helped me through this tough time and I would like others to know that there is life after divorce and you can live again.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Breakingpoint said:


> I received an email the other day from a member asking what happened and an update on my situation.
> 
> Well the divorce happened. I will have been divorced for a year come January. Custody was split 50/50. No alimony for her, only $400/mo for child support. I moved out and have been renting a house till I figure out where I want to settle down. The boys have adjusted very well which is great news. As for her she became sexually involved with the church guy if they weren't already. She has expressed numerous times her mistakes and how she should have done things different.
> 
> ...


Happy to hear things are going well 

The trust issues take time to get past, what you need to remember that this new lady of yours is not your ex wife, she won't act like her, she won't do the things she did.

Are you in IC for your trust issues? If not I'd recommend it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Having been here for awhile there is no chance they were in an intimate affair all along.

Did you ever talk to his ex? 

You literally lat her date him. Married women do not need opposite sex friends. Never be in a relationship where one of you is going out hanging out or drinking with out the other spouse.

Your marriage failed because you two lacked boundaries. She also saw you as weak because you let her date another man.

Before you even think of another serious relationship get the two books linked to below. They can also be downloaded quicker at amazon.com


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Good to hear things are working out for you. 
She was obviously not 100% in the game with you and continually sought out comfort outside the marriage.

Trust issues? 
You have every right to have them.
The best thing you can do is realize that everyone is different and just because one person did something does not mean the next will.

Good luck in your future!


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