# How to just stop caring what he's up to



## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

My story in brief... married for 17 years, happily or so I thought. I found out in September 2012 that STBXH has been cheating for the last 3 years (at least that's what I can prove) with random sex partners he meets on adult dating sites. I told him he had to leave, kicked him out and have been trying ever since to do the 180 with varying degrees of success.

The problem is I can't seem to stop caring. I pretend not to care how he spends his time. I pretend it doesn't hurt that I KNOW he's still trolling all the sex sites and hooking up with strangers. But I do care and it just hurts so much.

I don't intend to reconcile or even try getting back together at this point even though he seems to think we will somehow miraculously work things out. It would take a miracle at this point. But I would like to just stop caring. For anyone who's been through this and moved on successfully, how did you manage to really let go of the hurt?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Well darn, I was going to answer but then you asked for 'anyone thats been through this and moved on successfully' and Im still working on that so that rules me out! 

Are you guys in different houses? Papers filed? If so you should start getting out, maybe meet some guys that would keep your mind off of him. I would suggest a hobby but honestly that doesnt stop you from thinking about him, you need a "nice" guy to keep your mind off of him!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

LD, 
We are in separate houses, but see each other very often due to our kids' extracurricular schedules. We get along well and are still very close friends. And we do love one another. But he's not willing to do what it takes to gain control of his sex addiction, and I can't take the pain of being married to him anymore. In fact I feel like he'd be perfectly happy to stay married but separated indefinitely (of course he would... cake eating at its finest).

I have consulted an attorney, but haven't filed papers yet. That's obviously the next step, but am having a hard time just doing it. I have actually met a few nice men and I have enjoyed that fun feeling of getting to know someone new and feel attractive again.

But I miss my husband. I know it will go away in time, but some days are sure worse than others.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

If you have already separated. Then I say D and move on.

I can't warn you enough what men like this will do to squander marriage vows and promises.

Please do not think for one minute that your H will change much. I've never had success. If you choose to just not care and live life "like normal"....it won't last. You will end up caring. Because one day he'll come home and give you an STD, HIV, herpes...whatever. He'll knock someone up. He'll treat you like crap. And it will not end.

Please reconsider.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

SomethingElse,

Thank you and I do agree with you. I don't think he has the capability to change even if he really wants to. We are not sexually active with one another, nor will we be because I know he does not use protection. Although I do feel love for him I do not feel attraction at this point because his actions disgust me. I am STD-free and will not let him touch me with a 10 foot pole. 

I just miss him and it hurts to know how much he's thrown away. I know I'll be happier in the long run, but I'm so tired of hurting. Most days I feel strong and focused, but some days are just so very hard. Thanks for the encouragemen - I just really need it today.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

For what it's worth, I'm going through the exact same contemplation with my H, except I have not separated from him at this point. If you want you can read my thread. It's basically where I'm at right now. 

I let out quite a few more tid bits as the thread goes on

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/72791-resentment-h.html


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Get a life literally. A full happy life. Then you wont care. All unhappiness is caused by comparison. If you compare favorably, you will be over it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

File for divorce and get a life. Moving on.

That's how stop caring.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> For what it's worth, I'm going through the exact same contemplation with my H, except I have not separated from him at this point. If you want you can read my thread. It's basically where I'm at right now.
> 
> I let out quite a few more tid bits as the thread goes on
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/72791-resentment-h.html


I just read your thread and we have such similar backgrounds. I reached my breaking point with this last discovery 8 months ago. I told him then that I wanted a divorce and he got on his knees and begged, promised he'd do anything. So I said, I was happy to hear that and here is what he'd have to do RIGHT THAT MINUTE:

1. sit with me at the computer so that I can WATCH him delete all his profiles
2. Remove the passcode from his phone.
3. Go with me to the cell phone carrier to change his phone (no more Smart Phone!) and change his phone number.

And he sat there with tears in his eyes and said that he couldn't do it. That's when I knew. He wasn't lying... he really couldn't make himself do it.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

punkinhead said:


> I just read your thread and we have such similar backgrounds. I reached my breaking point with this last discovery 8 months ago. I told him then that I wanted a divorce and he got on his knees and begged, promised he'd do anything. So I said, I was happy to hear that and here is what he'd have to do RIGHT THAT MINUTE:
> 
> 1. sit with me at the computer so that I can WATCH him delete all his profiles
> 2. Remove the passcode from his phone.
> ...


I've done the same things with my H. I've had him change his phone twice already. This last time I didn't, because I just think "what's the point anymore?"

So your H admitted he couldn't stop cheating? I wish mine would tell me that instead of dragging me along for the ride. My own fault for staying, but still. This would be so much easier if he would just admit that he cannot stay faithful to one woman. Then I would say "Well. Then let's D, and be civil about this" But my H claims he is never going to do it again. 

That's why I say to you...if he admitted he cannot change for you, and you are already separated. Keep that wheel turning and carry on to D. The emotions are terrible I can imagine. I left my H for a week at one point and my whole world felt upside down. But now I'm back in, and feeling resentful because he got back on online dating sites again, and I caught him before he did anything. But I'm still bitter about it.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Is the hurt because he is with someone else, or because you feel hurt you were not enough for him. I mean, no way it's your fault, but I sure can imagine it will make you feel like that...
If he would stop it, would you consider go back to him? 
The best thing is to start caring about YOUR well being. And it's his failing, not yours. Take care!


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Hi Punkin-

So sorry to hear you are still struggling with all of this. I read this thread and immediately thought of this quote. 

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1PsPJFz7S...aQ/s400/when+people+show+you+who+they+are.jpg


If your STBXH is saying he is incapable of doing what is right, please believe him and find the saving grace in him letting you go and find the life you really deserve. You are entitled to so much better than a man who is only capable of loving himself. Please punkin, go and find you, the life you want and desire. Stay strong!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

catfan said:


> Is the hurt because he is with someone else, or because you feel hurt you were not enough for him. I mean, no way it's your fault, but I sure can imagine it will make you feel like that...
> If he would stop it, would you consider go back to him?
> The best thing is to start caring about YOUR well being. And it's his failing, not yours. Take care!


The hurt is for both of those things... thinking he prefers random strangers to someone who loves him so much, and feeling like I'm not enough. It also hurts to see my children so brokenhearted.

But it is his failing and I am sticking with my plans. I'm not reaching out to him and i don't intend to. Just having a hard day!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Hi Punkin-
> 
> 
> When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
> ...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

punkinhead,

I started making a bucket list of things I wanted to do. I got three of them done this year. Falconry, Zip Lining, Helicopter Ride... Life is right there waiting for you to grab ahold of it.

For me. I'm divorced. I told my EX that we would not be friends. I did not want to hear about her day or anything in her life. I do not speak to her. She texts me. I buried the woman she was once. I don't want to be friends with her. I don't tolerate my friends acting badly. I told my children, she is your mother and your relationship with her is your relationship with her. Mine was broken and it's past repair. I stopped caring about her because she just didn't care about me or what she was doing for the kids.

It takes time. Divorce is like a funeral. You have to grieve, but the body is never buried. 

I am sorry you are here. I wish you well.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

It sounds like he still thinks he's got you in his back pocket. If you're making this post, if you still care, isn't he right to some extent?

It seems the way to stop caring would be to exclude this destructive force from your life and find something or someone else to make you happy. Let him go - he's already moved on - so why shouldn't you?


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

I heard a client once say. "I don't still love him, but I sure miss how I used to feel about him". And another client once said" I still have feelings for him because I see all the good qualities that I fell in love with still. But he has so many more bad qualities that I just can't live with". These clients summed it up perfectly. 

In my experience as a counselor, in order to stop caring what he's up to you gotta stop caring about him. Which is hard to do because you fell in love with him for a reason and he probably still has a lot of those good qualities that you fell in love with in the first place - they've just been clouded over by other traits you can't live with. The best thing to do is talk to a counselor about how to successfully mourn and grieve your relationship without being bitter or resentful. You can also buy books, etc. But if these don't work, then a counselor will be able to help you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In order to stop caring about him, you've got to drum up the self-discipline - and self-respect - to stop dreaming about "what if". What if isn't going to be your reality. I'm genuinely sorry about that, but at this point you've got to learn to deal with what _is_. 

I think you seriously need to stop thinking of him as a friend. He isn't a friend. Do you keep friends around who repeatedly stab you in the back and treat you badly, who hurt you and endanger your and your children's emotional health and financial stability? If that's a "no", then he's not really a friend is he? So you don't have to treat him like a friend. Stop talking to him about anything that's not child related. Stop hanging out with him. Stop spending time with him that you could and should be spending elsewhere. Stop doing things for him. Stop doing things "as a family". He's made it so that you actually aren't a family anymore. At this point, he's an untrustworthy business associate. You don't need to be hostile or confrontational or b!tchy. But you and he are not, and really cannot be, actual friends now.

He's chosen something else over you. For your own sanity, stop choosing him over yourself.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you all for the words of wisdom. Today is a better day. I'm ignoring his texts and really don't have anything to say to him at the moment. Every time I find myself wondering what he's doing, I just find something else to do or think about. It's hard but I'm getting there.

I know there is no going back. Some days it's just harder to cope with than others


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

That's good news. Keep on keepin on!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Something happened yesterday that sure made me stop and think. One of my STBXH's random hook-ups sent me a FB friend request yesterday. What I can't figure out is why? She probably knows who I am based on the fact that I called her cell phone early in this mess and asked her to explain the nature of her relationship with my H. Of course, there were lots of excuses of how nothing happened, but I didn't and still don't believe them. So why send me a friend request?

Part of me wants to accept the request so I can find out more about what really went on, but another part of me says no way. I know all I need to know and I'm tired of continually pulling the scab off of this particular wound. I know there have been at least 10 women, probably more, and at this point I'm not sure I even want to know anything else.

A few months ago I would have driven myself crazy trying to figure this out but now I'm letting it go. That's progress, right?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Do you have your fb set to only accept messages from "friends"? It could be that she wanted to message you something but couldnt because she is not your friend, hence the friend request. OR it could be that she just wants to see your page/pictures and see whats going on with your H and you? I would probably, although it wouldnt be the best idea, message her and ask her what her reason for contacting you is? She really doesnt need accesss to your page and your personal info, I dont think!

I have friended my WH's OWxH years ago. We spoke on the phone, texted and emailed often. Then 3 years ago when I decided to R with my H I stopped communication. He always stressed me out assuming things and making me worry about what may or may not be going on. About 4 mos ago he friend requested me on FB again. I made myself sick for 3 days wondering WHY, what was he going to tell me this time? Finally I just messaged him and said "hey its been a while, is something up"? I never got a reply so I assume he just wanted to see my page and see if WH and I were still together and hour our life was. He hates my WH btw and hated that he lost everything and my WH lost nothing (I do see his point).


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

LD, 

I don't think I have my FB set to only accept messages from friends. But I suspect what really happened is she sent the invitation by mistake This person has over 2,000 friends and her FB is totally open. I'm guessing that I showed up as one of her "people you might know" suggestions and she just sent the invitation without even realizing who I am. Which, in itself, is such a slap in the face. She's one of many people who participated in the destruction of my marriage and I doubt she even remembers my name (maybe doesn't even remember his, who knows?).

It's this type of random daily reminder that really lets me see the huge ripples that his dishonest actions have had on me, my family, and so many others. There will always be some sort of trigger; too much damage has been done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Please get tested for STDs and go no contact with your STBX.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

JB. STD testing was the very first thing I did! 

I've been a complete failure at the NC, but I am definitely improving on that front. In fact, this week I haven't felt like I even want to talk to him at all. Baby steps...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you had any email communication with OW then it's possible she just did the find friends feature on facebook where it checks her emails for all of her contacts for friend requests


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I loathe the Golden Girls but Im thinking the line about the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one might fit well here.

File D then date. Not my normal MO for female posters but I get the idea a good hard shagging might just up your ego then emotions a bit. Then again this is what I usually recommend for male posters so I guess that makes me equal opportunity.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

With my first WxH, I had to establish boundaries to start healing, realize that I had a right to rebuild my own life, and stop caring. We had been together a long time and although it was a terrible relationship in more ways than just the cheating, it was familiar and easy to get caught up in drawn out conversations and believe we could be friends. But I came to realize that the unnecessary contact wasn't good for me or for him and that trying to cling to the bond between us was holding us both back. If we weren't going to be together, then we needed to set some boundaries and truly move forward. We still needed to have some contact to settle things between us and we kept things cordial, but when he tried to steer conversations off topic I steered them back and it wasn't long before he stopped initiating conversations that weren't necessary. I realize with children and extracurricular activities that is a little more difficult as you need to have frequent contact, and certainly you want to avoid that contact from becoming unpleasant. If you look at your communications you can probably see areas where you can start to politely set up some boundaries (volunteer less off topic information to conversations and when he brings up off topic information steer it back to things you need to talk about, etc.)


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Just an update.. I have actually started dating although I was very hesitant at first. I've met a very nice man in my church and we have been going out about once a week and taking things very slowly. He went through a terrible divorce a year or so ago and he is very understanding of my situation. I'm not looking for anything serious obviously, but it is nice to know that there are some good men out there who know how to act like gentlemen.

I am scared to death to really open up my heart to anyone, but at this point I welcome the friendship and I'm willing to see where things go.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

punkinhead said:


> For anyone who's been through this and moved on successfully, how did you manage to really let go of the hurt?


Getting rid of the source of the hurt is the first step. Get rid of his worthless ass.

Second, its not necessary, but helps, once you are back in the dating world. When I rediscovered the joys of being single, I kicked myself for even waiting a month before deciding to divorce her.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

The way it worked for me was to stop fighting it internally. Embrace it, know why you feel that (the affairs.. Duh!) And let it flow right over you. End it with “well that f’n sucked.” and then keep plodding forward with your life. 

By fighting it, you are keeping it alive in your head and allowing it to soak up your brain juices. Think of it as a reallocation of those juices and energy... rather than dwell on something you can’t control or change, you want to use that for something more productive for yourself. 

And seriously... I used those ‘funny words’ to also help. If you can start laughing at yourself for doing this to yourself, visualizing some weird brain juices leaking out of your noggin getting soaked into a sponge, it helps to let it wash right on by. The frequency becomes less and less.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Punkin. Glad to hear of progress and a realization of "maybe someday"

I get it. You have to heal first.

You ARE worthy of some good mans love. Put that in your head and when you are ready...


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Progress continues and it feels really good (if a bit scary). I'm actively taking care of some lingering financial business that needs to be resolved prior to filing for divorce and taking the opportunity to finish some imcomplete house projects in case I do end up needing to sell it. I'm refinancing the house and getting a very good fixed rate and once I close on the refinance it's time to file. One thing at a time...

I'm also continuing to date the nice man I met at church. I really like him and we have so much in common, but I still have a fear of moving too fast. He's very patient though and it's very nice to have someone send me a text "just because." It makes me realize that I have been so neglected throughout the past several years of my marriage that I don't even know how to react when a man compliments me.

But, here is the biggest thing that's happened... I have realized that I don't need my STBXH to love me. Yes, I know that sounds obvious, but when you are as co-dependent as I am you start to believe you NEED them to love you. You'll do anything for them to love you. Well I don't need his sub-standard love and I'll never settle for it again 

Life is good even if it is hard sometimes.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

NO physical till ya file. Warning: You are really close to an EA here.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I don't see anything wrong with seeing someone 9 months after a split. Nothing immoral or bad from where I am standing. Especially so when the relationship you had was a sham anyway.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> NO physical till ya file. Warning: You are really close to an EA here.


I guess I have trouble seeing how this is an affair of any kind. My marriage has been over and we have lived separately for 9 months. I am married on paper only until such time as I can get the legalities attended to. Additionally, an affair implies secrecy and I am being absolutely upfront about my current status and my future plans with all parties.

Also, there has been no physical contact at this point. We hug hello and goodbye and that is all

I'm not trying to be defensive but after all my STBXH has put me through I am very sensitive to any implication that I am unfaithful. I have stood by him more times than I can count only to have my loyalty thrown back in my face.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP. Just sayin. Also. I am harder than hell to offend. If I was, CWI would be the last place for me to be. Feel free to disagree with me any time you see fit. This thread is about YOU, not me.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Sorry weightlifter. Guess I'm a little touchy this morning 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Punkin. You are OUTSIDE my emotional walls. You could call me names for 4 days straight and all you would get from me was the middle finger. You CANT hurt me. No apology needed.

Its the people INSIDE our walls that can hurt us.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I just want to be able to stop checking the phone bill to see if she has called or wonder if he is at work and not over to see her. I want to be able to not care or act like I don't care that the calls continue or he may sneak over to see her. I want the I don't care what you do attitude, but I cannot quiet get there :-(


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Pollywog, I know what you mean. It's a daily struggle and some days are harder than others. I hope you get some peace soon!


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Its the people INSIDE our walls that can hurt us.


:iagree:


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

punkinhead said:


> I guess I have trouble seeing how this is an affair of any kind. My marriage has been over and we have lived separately for 9 months. I am married on paper only until such time as I can get the legalities attended to. Additionally, an affair implies secrecy and I am being absolutely upfront about my current status and my future plans with all parties.
> 
> Also, there has been no physical contact at this point. We hug hello and goodbye and that is all
> 
> I'm not trying to be defensive but after all my STBXH has put me through I am very sensitive to any implication that I am unfaithful. I have stood by him more times than I can count only to have my loyalty thrown back in my face.



I see weightlifter's point (and I am in a very similar position to you, punkinhead). I don't think it was accusatory, but cheaters are at heart, abusive. Don't think for a second that your stbxh wouldn't use your dating situation against you. I don't think anyone is questioning your fidelity, or the pain of what you've gone through (hey, isn't that why most of us are here?), but you have to always be one step ahead now. 

Nothing wrong with seeing someone, but technically, yes, you are still married. Even if only on technicality, take the high road and wait it out. Never give your stxbh any ammunition against you.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I just want to be able to stop checking the phone bill to see if she has called or wonder if he is at work and not over to see her. I want to be able to not care or act like I don't care that the calls continue or he may sneak over to see her. I want the I don't care what you do attitude, but I cannot quiet get there :-(


It will take time. I am almost there (DDay 12-7-12), but there are days I want to go over the phone records, go through his phone, get anxious when he leaves the room to take a call (which doesn't necessarily mean anything. We live in the country so cell reception in the house is spotty).

Cheating, lying, betraying...they're all forms of abuse. We would never expect a victim of domestic violence to just "move on" and quickly. Wounds, whether physical or emotional are going to take time to heal, some more than others. 

Work on making YOU happy with no thought to how it will affect him. For some reason, when *you *stop loving and wanting them, it drives them CRAZY! :smthumbup:


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

@punkinhead and scorchedearth -

I hope it gets better. I checked last night after he got home to see if he talked to her on the way home. I checked again this morning and saw she called him on his way to work. Yesterday he called her and was the first time he actually did the calling in nearly 2 weeks. I just cannot stop checking. I have almost asked him to change the log in for the cell phone bill just so I cannot check, but then afraid I will freak if I cannot check it. I hate this :-(

We are in limbo, not sure what will happen or when. I am doing my best to make me happy. I have started guided meditation, actually finding a couple of good ones on youtube. I hope to re- enforce some positive things in my life and try to get rid of all the negativity I have held onto for so long. 

Thanks for the advice. I never thought I would be my age and going through this, but as I can see age really does not matter it happens to a lot of us.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Yeah, that spot between the rock and the hard place. You don't want to care but you don't want to be out of the loop. 

It's only natural to be on this overzealous quest for truth after such betrayals. For me, it feels like the last ten years of my life has been a lie, a big joke, only I was never in on it. It will take years to move on from that. Years to move on from the fact that he shared OUR life with other women (that infuriates me more than anything. When you run to another man/woman, you immediately paint your spouse as a POS - otherwise, why would you be looking elsewhere, right?)

But, as I am learning in my gradual shut down, he acts like he wants me more than ever. Hasn't changed the passwords to the email accounts I know of, spends more time at home (has not gone on one of his "business" trips since DDay - funny how those aren't a "necessity" anymore...), hugs and kisses every day (where I just stand there and don't reciprocate, or if our kid is watching, I'll hug back and offer my cheek). 
Today he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I just gave him that WTF look, and he sighed and said "I know, I was only joking". 

The more I think about it, the more I realize I had it wrong. There is a phrase, "Treat them mean, keep them keen" - although I had my moments like any other wife, maybe I was too much of a doormat, too trusting, too willing to just look away. Now that I have become the Ice Queen, he is stuck on me like glue. 

I'm sure he's attempting some reverse psychology trick on me LOL!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

It's been quite a while since I've posted here and life has taken some really crazy twists and turns. When I originally entered this separation, it was the intention of making no major decisions for a year. Well, that year is up and I feel confident in my decision to divorce my cheating husband. I feel secure in the knowledge that I did everything I absolutely could to save this marriage. I have stayed faithful throughout this ordeal and it is now time to move on with my life.
The straw that broke the camel's back occurred this weekend. I have included below a brief timeline of events explaining what has occurred since my last post.



7/6 - STBXH spent a lonely 4th of July holiday and came crawling back begging to make things work. I agreed to try (yes I'm stupid) with the understanding that he would not ever move into my home until I was convinced this could work out. We also didn't tell the kids because I didn't want to get their hopes up.
7/7 - 7/19 - STBXH seems to step up and be more present, but makes no move to enter any kind of counseling
7/19 - STBXH informs me he is flying to Singapore on 7/20 to take the dream vacation to Asia that he's always wanted. He didn't tell me earlier because he knew i'd be angry 
7/27 - STBXH returns with gifts, stories of how much he missed us, etc. etc. He swore he was alone the entire vacation and was so lonely for us.
8/11 - He stupidly leaves his phone lying around my house while visiting with the kids, so I do a little snooping (I cracked his passcode long ago). Turns out the whole vacation was to hook up with a girl he'd met on adult friendfinder. Yes indeed, he paid $4,000 for sex. Flew across the globe for a fvck. 
There was also an email from this Singapore Wh*re stating that she thinks he gave her some type of infection while there. I have to say that when a wh*re thinks YOU gave THEM an STD.... you may want to question your lifestyle. :scratchhead::tool::wtf:

There's more, but I don't even care enough anymore to repeat it. Suffice it to say that I can't even estimate how many women he's cheated with at this point. It's truly unbelievable. I finally feel some relief that I can move on. I finally feel no love for him anymore and I just want to be free of this nightmare! I have an appointment with my attorney on Friday as well as an appointment for another STD test. I can't describe how angry it makes me at having to submit to an STD test when I've never so much as kissed another man since we met.

I swear I have no idea when my life turned into a Jerry Springer episode. It's unbelievable to me that I've put up with so much for so long. I guess it took a lot for me to give up and I think that is a testament to my belief in marriage. I feel proud that I never stooped to his level and I am leaving this marriage with my head held high and my dignity intact.

Thank you all for your support along the way.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

What happened to the man you were dating Punkin?


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Karole,

I went on a few dinner dates with a man from my church, but honestly I didn't feel right about it. We never kissed and nothing physical happened and we agreed that it was best to be just friends. I'm happy that I made the decision to postpone any dating or romantic entanglements until after my divorce. Until I'm officially divorced, I consider myself a married woman and I am proud to say that I've honored my vows and not sunk to his level.

Once the divorce is final, who knows? Maybe things will change with church guy, but I know deep down that I'm very wounded and I need time to heal before I get romantically entangled.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Back to the original title of this thread...How to just stop caring what he's up to.

You don't need us to tell you what a mistake it was to let him back into your life. Now you know beyond a doubt that he will never change.

So here is how to not care what he is up to....know and don't know!

Know that he is never going to change is always going to be hooking up with adult dating site skanks. It's who he is and what he does. Assume he is doing it this weekend, next weekend, etc. It is the lifestyle he choses, so let him have it.

Don't know any of the specifics. Go dark on him and basically have no contact. Don't try to find out if he's going away for the weekend, don't have any knowledge of who he friends on Facebook. Throw out the old passwords you have and don't look at his email or texts...you shouldn't be close enough to ever see his phone anyway. 

Stop following what he is up to and you will stop caring!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

NatureDave - I couldn't agree more! It's honestly a relief to finally really just not care what he's doing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

punkinhead said:


> I don't intend to reconcile or even try getting back together at this point even though he seems to think we will somehow miraculously work things out. It would take a miracle at this point. But I would like to just stop caring. For anyone who's been through this and moved on successfully, how did you manage to really let go of the hurt?


I think the first step to truly moving on is to stop sitting on the fence. So if you have zero intention of reconciling/getting back together: Tell him so that you are not wasting any more of your time. Then you can truly begin your journey.

Now........there is no magic pill or time table for being "over it." It comes with TIME.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

JB per my post today, I am officially moving on. Meeting with the attorney Friday to start the process. I don't ever want to see this man again.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

How long for final Punkin? Is OH one of those horrible wait states? If its 2 years or something awful you might reconsider.

>There was also an email from this Singapore Wh*re stating that she thinks he gave her some type of infection while there. I have to say that when a wh*re thinks YOU gave THEM an STD.... you may want to question your lifestyle.<

Holy Jerryspringeritis BATMAN! what is it with... just DAMN!

Anyway. Once healed hope you get the man you deserve, fall in hopelessly in love, and die old together.

Dont abandon your thread. As you heal. There are those of us who like the healing after the drama. Too many leave before they realize life is not over.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thanks WL,

Actually I'm lucky in that Ohio is an easy divorce state. We already agree on the basic terms and he's feeling guilty enough to sign just about anything at this point. My finances are in order. I've refinanced the house to a low fixed rate and will assume the loan in my name only after the divorce (it's a VA assumable). I will give him our third vehicle in lieu of paying the full equity for his share of the house and may end up paying him an addition $10k from my savings to walk away from the home.

Otherwise there is nothing to split up as we've always kept the finances very clean and have no other debt. If all goes well I could have this wrapped up in 90 days. I do need to consult a tax consultant to understand if it makes more sense to finalize the divorce in January 2014 for tax reasons. But even if so, that's only 4 more months so I can handle that!

I'm pretty damaged goods at this point - lots of healing to do. I gave him my divorce proposal last night and told him that we should at least try to agree on the basics and only leave the hard stuff to the attorneys. I don't want this to be a $20,000 divorce! Anyway, it was hard to talk to him last night. He cried and so did I. But we both know there's no going back. 

We'll see if he continues to be agreeable or if he decides to be a [email protected] once it all really sinks in.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Got ya.

Arkansas 18 months prior to decree
Connecticut 18 months before filing
Delaware 6 months prior to decree
District of Columbia 6 months before filing
Illinois 6 months prior to decree
Kentucky 60 days prior to decree
Louisiana 180 days before filing
Maryland 12 months before filing
Montana 180 days before filing
Nevada 1 year before filing
New Jersey 18 months prior to decree
North Carolina 1 year of separation before filing
Ohio 1 year prior to decree
South Carolina 1 year prior to decree
Texas 60 days
Vermont 6 months prior to decree
Virginia 6 months prior to decree
West Virginia 1 year prior to decree

I cannot see any reason for a period longer than 6 months. Note it says 1 year in OH from that list... I dunno

18 months is lunacy. Interesting in that the long waiting periods do not follow a red state blue state pattern.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

double post


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Today's progress:

1. Made an appointment with a tax consultant
2. Appointment set with attorney
3. Removed STBXH from cell phone plan

I had a few weepy moments today, but I'm just keeping myself on the path forward. Every step I take away from this marriage is a step toward healing.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Any idea what the 1 year wait for OH is? OLD law?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Punkin, I just read this thread and got caught up on your story. I am so proud of you and really wish you the very best of everything in this process. I'm sure these next few months will be very trying, but your grace and classy way of handling this will get you through! Keep on keeping on girl. Better days are coming!! I am rooting for you!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Punkin, I just read this thread and got caught up on your story. I am so proud of you and really wish you the very best of everything in this process. I'm sure these next few months will be very trying, but your grace and classy way of handling this will get you through! Keep on keeping on girl. Better days are coming!! I am rooting for you!


Thank you so much! I appreciate all the support I can get. The kids are my weak spot and they really miss their dad, but there's just no other option. 

How are things with you BrokenHearted?


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Any idea what the 1 year wait for OH is? OLD law?


WL, I'm not sure about the 1 year wait. Maybe it's a 1 year wait for divorce and the difference is I'm going for a dissolution. I'll ask my attorney to be sure but my understanding is that once the jerk and I reach an agreement and file, the hearing has to be scheduled between 30 and 90 days and then we're all done. I guess the period that could take some time is for us to agree on all terms and complete the filing, but unless he really drags his feet I think we can have the agreement knocked out in 30 days...

One thing I did find out though is that it's in my best interest from a tax perspective to not finalize the dissolution until January, so we may delay the hearing until then... So much to think about - it's making my head hurt!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

I just need to vent. I am so angry tonight. My STBXH was supposed to see the kids tonight and take them to dinner. I confirm with him at 5 pm. When does he show up??? 8:30!!! Meanwhile kids are starving and crying that they miss him. He is a worthless human being. I will show absolutely no mercy in this divorce. He never sees these kids and they are heartbroken once again. What an @ss!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

punkinhead said:


> I just need to vent. I am so angry tonight. My STBXH was supposed to see the kids tonight and take them to dinner. I confirm with him at 5 pm. When does he show up??? 8:30!!! Meanwhile kids are starving and crying that they miss him. He is a worthless human being. I will show absolutely no mercy in this divorce. He never sees these kids and they are heartbroken once again. What an @ss!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


STOP CALLING HIM AN @ss.

Its unfair to @sses.

I know @sses, @sses are friends of mine, Hes no @ss.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

OMG! This really hits home with me as my husband is pulling some of the same stuff; telling the kids one thing and doing another. Next time give him half an hour and then go ahead and feed the kids. Is there something in the parenting plan that applies to if he is late then after a certain amount of time then he doesn't get to spend time with them? This is so unacceptable and only hurts the kids. They will get it someday. Just keep helping them feel secure in your love for them. My husband is right there with yours and their parenting sucks at the moment!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

5Creed said:


> OMG! This really hits home with me as my husband is pulling some of the same stuff; telling the kids one thing and doing another. Next time give him half an hour and then go ahead and feed the kids. Is there something in the parenting plan that applies to if he is late then after a certain amount of time then he doesn't get to spend time with them? This is so unacceptable and only hurts the kids. They will get it someday. Just keep helping them feel secure in your love for them. My husband is right there with yours and their parenting sucks at the moment!


5Creed, I read your thread and you are right! Our husbands could be the same guy - maybe they are ! :rofl:

I'm so happy that you have found some clarity after your ordeal. No one can ever say you didn't give yourself the time you needed to be absolutely sure about your decision. I know you are doing the right thing by moving on and I wish you all the best in your new, wonderful life!


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Now THAT would be scary, but who knows? Maybe they are since they are so very sneaky..or they think they are! Haha! Bottom line they are both jerks.

Thank you for the kind words. I know it will be a new and better life, but I am really scared sometimes too hoping I will be the best Mom I can be to my kids.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Today is a hard day. It's officially one year since D-day. One year ago today at around this time in the morning, I stumbled across irrefutable proof of my husband's cheating. There had been other major red flags before this date, but D-Day was when his house of cards fell down around him.

Since that day, I've been trickle-truth'd, lied to, and generally bounced around like a yo-yo. I'm very sad today at the wasted year I've spent trying to fix this marriage and generally being his door-mat. I am also so sad that my marriage is ending, even though I know deep down that this is my only option and that to stay married would be to sentence myself to a lifetime of misery.

Very glad that I have my IC appointment today and will hopefully help to vent some of this sadness. I'm being very strong on no contact with my STBXH and need to make sure that the sadness of this day doesn't cause me to backslide.

I'm betting he is just going on with life blissfully ignorant of the significance of this day and what it has done to our family.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dream of the day after you heal you get the man and relationship that you have always dreamed of.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thanks WL. It's nice to think there might still be a man of my dreams out there somewhere. I just hope I'm not too gun-shy to give him a chance when the time is right!

Started reading a book called "Codependent No More" and it is a real eye-opener. It could have been written about me. I really need to work on this aspect of my personality so that I don't keep making the same mistakes. I can't believe I've clung to this sham of a marriage as long as I have...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

All I am saying is be open to it. It kills me when I see the betrayed say they will never love again.

Love and sex inside of love is one of the most basic most rewarding human experiences.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ugh double post


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

After a really hard night of crying my last tears, I retained my divorce attorney today and started the official process. I feel sad but there was no other option. I know things will get better from this point forward 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Ahh I am so sorry! I am right there with you-had to hire a new attorney today as the one I have had for two years is now retiring and can't finish up my divorce before then.

I am right there with you and can relate to the tears and sadness; yet what other options are there?!?

You said it girl; things ARE going to get better as they can't get worse. There are better things/people/situations out there than the ones we have been in lately-believe it!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you 5creed. You're absolutely right. Things will get better. I woke up this morning with such a sense of relief to no longer be wrestling with whether to stay or go. I'm still sad but it's more a feeling of regret than loss at this point. It's so much different than the soul-crushing weight of living each day in limbo! I no longer have to feel concerned about what he's doing because it will never reflect on me or directly impact me again. He's not someone I would choose to associate with anymore. I'm not kidding myself that I'll feel this good everyday but at this point I'll take any good day that I can get!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Limbo is absolute hell. I thought I could handle it better, but when I look back at what it really felt like, I am sorry I did not move on sooner.

Hang on to that relief feeling and remember it when you start sliding back. I think humans often cloud over the bad and remember the good. There is always good in a relationship which is why we stayed in the first place. For me, I sometimes only remember the good times and that is what gets me in trouble with feeling sad or questioning my decisions. Nope; there is a reason I left. I am glad you are doing better today and hang on for the ride.


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