# A little lost here...



## WLK2009 (Jul 6, 2020)

My wife and I have been married for about 22 years. We have 3 kids ranging in age from 8-13. My wife started a new business that I fully supported her with thinking this would help make our relationship stronger.... it didn’t. 
We have been physically disconnected for about two years. That has been super tough on me. She says the thought of us touching actually makes her feel sick because of all the resentment she feels towards me. That hurt.
Over the last few years my alcohol consumption has filled my loneliness. Not healthy. One time I drank way too much and basically said I couldn’t go on like this. I was in pain and I lashed out. I said some hurtful things.
I convinced her to start counselling with me, but she dropped out saying she was too busy. 
Now we are talking separation.It is scary and not what I want, but I know we can’t go on with the way things are.
Now when we are talking she brings up every single time I’ve hurt her over the last 20 years. Stuff I didn’t even know I was doing (like not paying attention to her at social functions). I apologized. 
I like who I am for the most part. I kept going with the counselling and realized I carried a lot of pain and self loathing around with me. Which no doubt contributed to the distance in our relationship going back all those years....
My question is this. How do we move forward? If she can’t forgive the pain I’ve caused (mostly inadvertently), is there even a reason to try?
Even as I write this the answers become clearer to me.
I’m just wondering what you think.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Check your phone bill, check around, eyes open, mouth shut.... 

Is it so bad if you don't make it, like in another thread, you are basically alone now, so why be alone with her?


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## WLK2009 (Jul 6, 2020)

That is a good point. Much appreciated.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

when a spouse started to become critical of the other and starts to do a laundry list its because there is someone else...you might want to hire a PI. now separately you need to quit drinking, it does your body no good, it confuses the situation and it could impact any legal custody with your children. time to go for walks or the gym.


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## Angelwanderer (Mar 20, 2018)

It certainly doesn't sound good. I'm glad you've tried counseling because it shows that you care. It also shows that she doesn't. Good luck with the future, whichever way it turns out. 

-A

Wrote a letter about a troubled marriage. It became a novel. It's mostly fiction _wink_ Love Hurts: When Breaking Up Is The Right Thing To Do


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> when a spouse started to become critical of the other and starts to do a laundry list its because there is someone else...you might want to hire a PI. now separately you need to quit drinking, it does your body no good, it confuses the situation and it could impact any legal custody with your children. time to go for walks or the gym.


That is not always the case. Sometimes it can be a defensive action taken to justify their actions. Sometimes they (the partner) are able to re-write marital history to suit a false narrative that gets them off the hook for responsibility.

And sometimes the signs have always been there and we're just DAF to them. And it builds and it builds and it builds and if during that time you start going your own way, doing your own thing, everything just gets worse.

Use of the word "resent" is key. When that word is used, the sand is about to run out in the timer. You have to act on it.

I feel conflicted reading stories like this, because part of me thinks, if I had taken action way back when, halfway to where I am now (where the OP is today), maybe things would be much better for me now. I didn't understand, then, the magnitude of carrying that weight, a relationship where one person resented some things about the other, for all that time. The "r" word didn't come out until year 40 and supposedly when we were on a path to being better. I am hoping that use of the "r" word represented rock bottom. I hope it does for the OP. 

I'm rambling here, sorry about that. Basically thinking out loud. I'd like to let the OP (@WLK2009 ) know there's no path up until you've hit bottom. The worst thing you can do is circle the drain. Find a way to find that bottom, quickly. Don't keep suffering forever. Be willing to risk everything to save your marriage, or else leave it. Risking everything means things will get bad, really bad, before they get better. And watch out for hysterical bonding.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree -- get a PI and see why she is "so busy".


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

PI is the way to go. Do it ASAP!!!!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

If she wants separation what’s the point of PI? Just split


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sounds to me like alcohol has not filled your loneliness--you are even more so. Be good to yourself and fix the drinking problem. She has 'left' the marriage. Acknowlege this, soak it in. Not sure how long ago she started new business, but possibly it was in order to be able to afford her new life. You deserve better.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

I'm not one to recommend lightly walking away from such a long term marriage, particularly when there are children. Not if there was once love and satisfaction. If you've both felt good in the relationship before, there is a road back most of the time (assuming both partners are willing to do their work). I think it makes sense to attend counseling. If your wife isn't willing to go back, then it really leaves you no choice but to end the marriage. She would have to get to a place where she could let go of her resentments and it's unlikely she'll get there without couples counseling. You would have to do your part. It sounds like neither of you has been meeting the other's emotional needs for years. That can only be swept under the rug for so long. It's high time to deal with it. And if the marriage can't be repaired, then I recommend moving on.


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