# A Typical British Marriage ?



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

This thread hopefully will contain all details about my marriage.

Firstly I am the major "breadwinner", I pay all the bills and give my wife by bank transfer £600 ($900) per month, this includes money for food and for herself a small sum, she does not work and has not worked full-time since our wedding. The looking after the house will be in another post. She gets £32 ($48) per month from an investment that she has. She seems to run out of money in the middle of the month, she did/has debts which hopefully she has cleared from the money I have given her, more about this in another post. The advice that I would like is do people think this is enough, we have no other people in the household. Many thanks for reading this and any comments that you require to post.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

The cost of living in the UK is extortionate now, it is shocking how much money we spend on food, more than our other bills put together. But we have two active teenage boys who eat phenomenal amounts of food. I spend between £150-£200 on food/groceries. However, if there are only the two of you I would think even eating relatively extravagantly £100 per week should be enough on food. I don't know whether your wife spends a lot on cosmetics, hair appointments, beauty treatments, these things would eat into her money very quickly.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I suggest that you concisely put all relevant information for your question in one post/thread. I'm not sure if the other threads/posts will help to answer this question but nobody can tell you if £600/per month is enough. You don't seem to know if she has cleared her debts and of course the amount of money from this monthly budget needed to clear the debt is kind of important to the question. You're best able to answer the question yourself. Just add up the receipts from food shopping which represents the bulk of this money and see what's left. Nobody here knows what your food costs are which can vary greatly depending on where you live, where you shop, alcohol included, etc, etc. We also have no way of knowing what her expenses are that need to be covered with the rest of the money outside of the food budget (transport, etc, etc).

No doubt you will get questions about why she doesn't work at least part time, etc. Usually spouses live relatively equally even if only one works so the question also relates to how you are living and what your total monthly available cash is. if you are living on 10,000/month (perhaps exaggerated example) then giving her £600 a month doesn't seem right, does it. Likewise, if your overall available cash is 800 and she gets 600 then that obviously opens up all kinds of other issues like her need to work.

Maybe this kind of info is in other threads/posts but i have not hunted around for them.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

yup not enough info

what % of your income is that ?
too low , and I as a wife will wonder who else you spend on .

what standard of living is she used to ?
for me 900 is not enough but I earn my own keep so nobody tells me what to do .
there's skin care , facial , restaurants , contribution to parents , all very expensive.
if you want her to look pretty to go out with you , shopping is expensive .

if your income is not high , hope you marry a woman who is not high maintenance . and you are not complaining about her skin and dress .

well , in fact , I work to feed my kids . my ex is a long story .

so a man who pay all bills is cool , to me , at least .

and if there's no kids here , why doesn't she work ? she is lucky . I work pregnant , after birth , n with kids in tow !

r all british man like you? Ill marry one the next round . in fact , I think a british man may be interested in me , I ll rank him high in score now , haha


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Thank you for your posts

Thank you RedRose14, my thoughts entirely, she spends money on online gambling but more about this in another post.

Thank you Intheory, $900 dollars is just for food and what sh would like to spend the rest on, she probably buys $75 dollar shoes every third month. I pay all the bills.

Thank you Couple, I am not allowed access to the receipts from shopping even though I drive her to the shops and back again, I estimate that the food expenditure is about £100 per week. The £600 per month is purely for food and as I have said she runs out of money about the third week of every month. Available cash is £1300 per month, she will not share her financial information with me.

Thank you Tripad, I spend the rest almost entirely on her, £200 ($300) dresses probably every six months. I have no problem with her working, she can if she would like too, she can keep all the money she earns, however she seems to be happy playing a computer on-line game called Empire nearly all day.

Any other comments would be gratefully received.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I am not allowed access to the receipts from shopping even though I drive her to the shops and back again





> she will not share her financial information with me.





> she can keep all the money she earns





> however she seems to be happy playing a computer on-line game called Empire nearly all day.


What enticed you to call this a "typical" marriage in your title?!!

Let me first say What the f***?!!

Why are you putting up with this?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Unfortunately, if you want your marriage to work, you will have to be the one dealing out the consequences for her lack of maturity. First and foremost, communication, clear and direct. Do not attack her when you communicate, she will get defensive and put up a barrier. If that does not work, you deal out consequences, not out of malice, but you are helping her out. She is learning that she can get away with this behavior, and you have to introduce a new reality to her. Either she lives within those bounds, or she is not what you need as a partner. There should be compromise, and there should be lines that are deal breakers.

Btw, your marriage is not typical, since your married to a child. When she acts like an adult, then she will be marriage material.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

synthetic said:


> What enticed you to call this a "typical" marriage in your title?!!
> 
> Let me first say What the f***?!!
> 
> Why are you putting up with this?


:iagree:

jack , what are your ages ? is she your wife , seriously ? I don't mean to be rude but r u her sugar daddy ?

she sounds very young while you sound courteous , mature n considerate .

she spends your money n you cant see the receipt !!!! seriously ????

BTW I am a woman n I don't agree with her behavior .


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What culture is she? The materialisticness of it all makes me wonder....


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

For all you know, she is running up more debt for which you'll eventually be responsible. I think you need to have a serious talk with her and demand accountability, else you'll stop giving her money and do the shopping yourself, or shop with her along for things she needs, AND cancel all credit cards she is presently using that aren't solely in her name and solely her responsibility. If she won't provide transparency and accountability, let her get a job to pay for the things she wants.

Basically, she is financially abusing you, and you need to stop it.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Does she drink or smoke? I spend $150 a month on Copenhagen.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just so we're clear:
- your wife is only with you for yur financial support
- no kids at home - she wants more money and yet refuses to even get a part time job
- blows past her budget every month but refuses to show you where the money is going 

As for multiple threads - it's obvious you don't want to list:
- terrible with money
- doesn't work AND doesn't do housework
- whatever else is wrong 

All in one place since you don't want to hear the chorus of: divorce her 




jacko jack said:


> This thread hopefully will contain all details about my marriage.
> 
> Firstly I am the major "breadwinner", I pay all the bills and give my wife by bank transfer £600 ($900) per month, this includes money for food and for herself a small sum, she does not work and has not worked full-time since our wedding. The looking after the house will be in another post. She gets £32 ($48) per month from an investment that she has. She seems to run out of money in the middle of the month, she did/has debts which hopefully she has cleared from the money I have given her, more about this in another post. The advice that I would like is do people think this is enough, we have no other people in the household. Many thanks for reading this and any comments that you require to post.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Thank you for your posts

Thank you synthetic, typical that is why I put "?" in the title, why do I put up with this under English Law I am afraid that I would probably loose a great deal and my supposed wife would gain a great deal but more about this latter.

Thank you intheory, have managed to find one of her bank statements in what has become my bedroom, shows that she spent £700 ($1050) in four days while I was away at a conference. Also she said "Could I have £5000 ($7500) just in case you die", on giving her the money she spent £2,500 ($3750) that same day, this means that she spent £3,200 ($4,800) in four days.

Thank you, Mr.Fisty, I have tried talking to her sensibly, so have other people including the Vicar at the Church my wife is an Elder at. I have tried paying for all the food but she complained to one of the other female Elders that I had stopped "her" money and that she only had £32 ($48) a month to live on . You advice and comments are very useful and help me keep my sanity.

Thank you, tripad, I am 62 and she is 52 and we have been "married" for eight years. First time I ever been called a "Sugar Daddy".

Thank you, John117, she is Welsh, I have found that with only this exception that Welsh are kind, intelligent, loving, understanding and empathetic, my wife is none of these.

Thank you, Married but Happy, she has run up more debt, before we went on holiday last year to the most romantic hotel in the United Kingdom, she ran up a bill of £700 ($1050) on dresses she ordered on-line, while I was at work. I have since paid off part of the bill. She said that she would cancel her credit cards or at least not use them when I cleared them totally of £8000 ($12000). She says that she has a job interview but cannot go to the interview because she does not have any money. Once again thank you for your excellent advice.

Thank you, Thound, she did smoke but went on the Champicks, when I was buying her cigarettes £100 ($150) per month, she does not drink.

In this country it is seen as Domestic Violence if you ask your wife for every receipt or to account for every penny, I would like to ask posters opinion on this and my situation as indicated so far.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Jack, your wife seems to have both a gambling addiction and a shopping addiction, and both are things she is going to have to stop. She needs to want to stop but also you need to help her and the best thing is to stop providing her with the money to enable her to fuel her addictions.

I know it is very controlling and a lot of people would be up in arms about it, but I think you have to stick to the £600 per month for food and spending money, but you also need to accompany her to the supermarket. That way you can see what the money is being spent on. She seems to have extravagant taste in clothes and shoes. Again, you should accompany her on shopping trips.

She is obviously going to need help to get over her addictions, both from you and from support groups and she is going to need to help herself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you care what the church people say? They aren't paying her bills.

It sounds like you have moved out of the bedroom. See a solicitor and learn your options before she drives you to the poor house.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

jacko jack said:


> Thank you synthetic, typical that is why I put "?" in the title, why do I put up with this under English Law I am afraid that I would probably loose a great deal and my supposed wife would gain a great deal but more about this latter.
> 
> It is true , you divorce her and your assets are immediately halved , and she will probably squander her half away in days n be homeless in a month .
> 
> ...


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Do you respect yourself? She probably doesn't respect you since you let her walk all over you. She sounds spoiled and entitled. There's no reason for a woman not to work when there's no kids involved. Are you looking for validation to divorce her? Or are you looking for reassurance that this is normal?


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Thank you for your posts

Thank you MEM11363, yes she is terrible with money, what else is wrong, she has moved out of the marriage bed on numerous occasions and we have not had sex since the wedding night seven and half years ago. It is a great relief to share these thoughts, over the last couple of days, I have felt relieved.

Thank you RedRose14 She shops online for goods that are the most expensive. I think her problem exists from the time she had 17 miscarriages form the time she was 15 to the time she was 30, she is now 58. She was also raped by her stepfather when she was 15 which led to her first pregnancy. I do try and control her spending however, when she overspends we have no food in the cupboard, if she was more trustworthy, I would probably give her another £150 ($225) per month but I suspect that she would spend it.

Thank you Blondilocks for the posts, I will bear this in mind.

Thank you tripad for the post, I will bear this in mind.

Thank you Marriedwithdogs for the post, I had my suspicions that this was not normal, on Oscar's night I would put her forward for an Oscar as she turns on emotions with every new situation that occurs. I think you are correct she does not respect me.

I would ask people on the boards have you ever heard of 17 miscarriages in one person?. Many thanks in anticipation for your replies.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Make sure she isn't socking away money to go on a trip to the Carribean with her girlfriends. I've heard horror stories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

17 miscarriages? No way. 17 abortions maybe...

I don't think you really know your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Blondilocks u r so spot on that he moved out of bedroom. 

N jack 
OMG, sex on wedding night only, no sex till now, n with no kids in tow, u still pay her! I seem to think she literally con you into marriage n now robbing you, without even giving you the sex. 

I didn't like the part she asked you for cash " in case you die " 

Stop the cash. Change all password n pin code to bank account. sell the house, hide the cash. Rent a house. Will insurance away to whoever else you want. You got cover alimony, how best to reduce it since she's so unworthy. 

You r a nice gentleman. I'm sure u can find another better woman to love. 

Start planning. To save your assets n cash. Talk to lawyer But beware some lawyers are crooks too n doesn't cover your behind . Since you r the primarily n only earner, I won't feel sorry for her. I am a woman. But I have no respect or care for a woman ( or even worse a man) who marries for a meal ticket.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Never heard of 17 miscarriages. 
Multiple abortions by women with loose life style.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Jacko, I am glad you showed up on these boards, just so you can get honest feedback from those of us looking at the situation from the outside. True, we only know what you disclose, but at this point...it doesn't appear that you wife is willing or able to reciprocate you attempts at love and affection.

I'm sure you thought it was magical when you first met, but now it is pretty spoiled...and you are wondering, "What happened?"

It is my opinion that you married a trauma survivor who doesn't know the first thing about an intimate, reciprocal, attentive, and vulnerable relationship. She enjoys the comforts that you provide, but doesn't have the emotional maturity to control her impulses or her habits. Her overspending and other habits are signs that she is not a contented person and is out of control.

What's worse, is that your relationship has evolved into a father-daughter scenario, where you take care of her, clean up after her, and passively scold her when she misbehaves. She has created this situation because of her unresolved past, but you are feeding this monster by adding money to account and giving her a boundaryless existence.

I would like to think that setting boundaries and establishing clear goals might set this straight, but someone her age is probably not interested in change. So I would be prepared for things to get real ugly when you choose to confront this...in which there should be no delay. Do what you must to protect yourself financially. I would also take an honest look at your situation...try to overcome your fears of loneliness or abandonment and see this for what it is. 

Right now, I bet she is making life anxiety laden and miserable for you, but you are so occupied with holding it all together, you aren't slowing down to take an honest inventory. Once you do this, set a plan and make goals which means make a choice. Follow it through. If you want to make a last-ditch effort to fix this, then be quick and decisive about it. Just know the longer you avoid confrontation or bury your true honest feelings, the more this will fester and you will be even more miserable while she ruins your life.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Yours is not a typical marriage; British or otherwise. Your wife is 52 years old, 17 miscarriages, an online gambler, unemployed, and an excessive spender. This woman has no redeeming qualities at all.

See a divorce lawyer. In the end it would be cheaper for you to divorce. You are already 62. You should be planning for retirement instead of planning to file for bankruptcy court. 

I'm a career woman, 57 years old, and ongoing 35 years married. I'm planning to early retire at your age and I'm safeguarding my assets. At your stage in life, you should be poised for retirement. With your wife, your retirement is as real as a "pie in the sky".


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> I'm sure you thought it was magical when you first met, but now it is pretty spoiled...and you are wondering, "What happened?"
> 
> It is my opinion that you married a trauma survivor who doesn't know the first thing about an intimate, reciprocal, attentive, and vulnerable relationship. She enjoys the comforts that you provide, but doesn't have the emotional maturity to control her impulses or her habits. Her overspending and other habits are signs that she is not a contented person and is out of control.
> 
> ...



You just describe very much my life of 20 years since the day I met my ex H till I divorce him. 

Only thing is I don't know why n how my ex H n his parents n sisters keep splurging n going into debt. not heard of any sex or whatever abuse on their side. In fact, they all act holy n are church leaders n elders. 

Jack. I spent 20 years trying to hold the family together n kept paying debts off n feeding my household myself. The last time my ex H emptied my bank, he promised to be good. 

Then one half year later, he started fighting with me n I know debts r running up again. He will always start fights n then it's like I need to buy myself out of misery. 

This time I divorce him, telling him I'm keeping my newly earned n saved money for myself n children. I've no retirement n college fund left. I m financially destroyed. 

Only thing is I'm mid 40 s n I m trying to make something out of my life now. Lucky thing, I earn decent So building up cash reserve now. my luckier friends are all stable in life with assets n cash. 

At your age, you may want to to save yourself, not her, if she's not owningher faults n trying. Actually, I dont think she will at that age.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Dear Jack ,

If you just come back home and pretend 
that business is very bad and you are soon loosing your sources ; what will be her reaction ? try it .

start planing for Divorce ; you need to start minimizing your losses.

It is a hopeless case ...
you deserve a better person even if this was the last day in your life ...


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Find yourself the most shark-like divorce attorney and get yourself an appointment ASAP. Yes, they do have them in the UK.

You actually have grounds for an annulment, so try for that option first. There would be no alimony and probably no division of assets, but she retains her debts since she contributed nothing to the marriage. If you can't get an annulment, get the divorce over as soon as possible since ten years starts the alimony, on both sides of the pond.

Cancel* ALL* credit cards and transfer your money not only to another account but another bank. *YOU* do the grocery shopping so you can see how much is actually spent. She doesn't get a dime in spending money. It would be impossible for her to get credit cards in her name since she doesn't work and has no other income. If she signed your name to the credit card(s) that would be forgery as well as fraud and she could face criminal prosecution. I *strongly *suggest filing charges if she does this.

End this travesty now.

IamSomebody


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

IamSomebody said:


> Find yourself the most shark-like divorce attorney and get yourself an appointment ASAP. Yes, they do have them in the UK.
> 
> You actually have grounds for an annulment, so try for that option first. There would be no alimony and probably no division of assets, but she retains her debts since she contributed nothing to the marriage. If you can't get an annulment, get the divorce over as soon as possible since ten years starts the alimony, on both sides of the pond.
> 
> ...



This and ONLY this.


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## IWantGreatMarriage (May 20, 2014)

jacko jack said:


> This thread hopefully will contain all details about my marriage.
> 
> Firstly I am the major "breadwinner", I pay all the bills and give my wife by bank transfer £600 ($900) per month, this includes money for food and for herself a small sum, she does not work and has not worked full-time since our wedding. The looking after the house will be in another post. She gets £32 ($48) per month from an investment that she has. She seems to run out of money in the middle of the month, she did/has debts which hopefully she has cleared from the money I have given her, more about this in another post. The advice that I would like is do people think this is enough, we have no other people in the household. Many thanks for reading this and any comments that you require to post.


No. It's not a typical British household. 
I spend not more than £200 on me and husband per month for feeding. Clothing? Maximum £30p/m from Next, only on Sale. Oh, and I work so am not given an allowance. And from the money I make, I give myself an allowance of £500p/m for feeding and spending on myself, and I still have some left to put in my petty savings.
But then, am so low maintenance that hubby complains am too cheap


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

IamSomebody said:


> Find yourself the most shark-like divorce attorney and get yourself an appointment ASAP. Yes, they do have them in the UK.
> 
> You actually have grounds for an annulment, so try for that option first. There would be no alimony and probably no division of assets, but she retains her debts since she contributed nothing to the marriage. If you can't get an annulment, get the divorce over as soon as possible since ten years starts the alimony, on both sides of the pond.
> 
> ...


If you can annul you might save on assets n alimony 

Fantastic contribution 

Quick go check n find out how


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

tripad said:


> You just describe very much my life of 20 years since the day I met my ex H till I divorce him.
> 
> Only thing is I don't know why n how my ex H n his parents n sisters keep splurging n going into debt. not heard of any sex or whatever abuse on their side. In fact, they all act holy n are church leaders n elders.


It could be that they came from a poverty background which can survive generations even when there is no reason to live hand to mouth anymore. Some people just get in the mindset of "Oh, I have money? It must be spent before it isn't there anymore!"


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> It could be that they came from a poverty background which can survive generations even when there is no reason to live hand to mouth anymore. Some people just get in the mindset of "Oh, I have money? It must be spent before it isn't there anymore!"


I don't mind if they go "I have money I must spend it"

but I think they go "oh my son has money , let's spend it all . and oh oh the wife has more , let's spend that too " WTF WTF WTF

I've kids to feed . WTF

I've mum and dad to feed too . WTF WTF

I will never know why they are such . They are not poor , not rich . 

My own parents are poorer , much poorer , I know my dad was always borrowing money and doing sideline job to feed 6 kids . once , my dad almost went to jail for smuggling some products out of his company to sell to feed us all - his boss relented n didn't call the police but fired him , knowing he has 6 kids to feed . my first taste of humiliation n compassion simultaneously . It was humiliating but I felt bad for my dad and my dad had always told me to study hard so I will never be like him . so I did . I am earning a lot by my own capabilities and I strive very hard , all in the aim of better live , more assets , more cash . never shop n splurge which I view as non-profit-making-activities . 

cant understand my ex n family . the worst of the lot there is my ex SIL , never work the moment she got married n complain she is getting fat ( n in my head , I'll go surely so if you sit the whole damn day ) , pasted my photo by her bedside n told me she idolized me , pretty n smart n successful . then she rob me through her parents and her parents through my ex ( the son ). 

even my ex n his parents were wow by me in early days . then they start I m so poor n pitiful attitude . they turn monsters when I cut cash supply . really hideous hissing monsters , the holy piousness all gone . gosh . it's like the movies - devils unleashed . seriously . I m not exaggerating . till this day , I have nightmares of them . but no , I am not destroyed , I am strong , I was poor , I got rich , I am robbed entirely , but I will get rich again bcos I am smart n capable . 

I will run far the next time someone idolize me . or anyone future bf n his family . mad people . I am not going to get hitched with any man who is any lesser than me m who will not feed me ( not that I need it but I want it that way ) . ever .


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

OP, I currently live in USA but am originally from UK.

If you want rid of this woman (divorce) consider relocating to Scotland (ideally without her). Stay there for long enough to establish residency (6 months, I think) then file for divorce. Men are WAY more protected under Scots law than they are under English law. I know this because I am a female who divorced in Scotland.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

lookinforhelpandhope said:


> OP, I currently live in USA but am originally from UK.
> 
> If you want rid of this woman (divorce) consider relocating to Scotland (ideally without her). Stay there for long enough to establish residency (6 months, I think) then file for divorce. Men are WAY more protected under Scots law than they are under English law. I know this because I am a female who divorced in Scotland.


But he'll be missing out on all the sex and affection! 

Wait...oh


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

synthetic said:


> But he'll be missing out on all the sex and affection!
> 
> Wait...oh


Scottish ladies are pretty friendly . . he'll be fine  :smthumbup:


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

lookinforhelpandhope said:


> Scottish ladies are pretty friendly . . he'll be fine  :smthumbup:


:smthumbup:

with such a nice guy like Jack who pays so well for a wife , he will fine anywhere.

you got to choose a better one next round . one who will appreciate being fed n provided for . and in return does her wifely duties , getting house in order n dinner ready n giving you the sex of course .


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Thank you all for your posts

I will take them all into account and comment on them later.

Can I have some comments please, my wife has said that she will not take her ulcer tablets, however, this morning I had to go and get them. Can people go for a week without taking ulcer tablets?.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Can I just say at this point that my wife wanted my bank card when I was rushed into hospital on an Emergency with Heart Failure, could I have some comments/posts on this please.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

OMG jack 

Take it easy. Your heart N health is more impt than a woman. 

Refuse her the cash n bank card. 

After you R done with the hospital, get the asset n cash planning n then the Divorce going. 

It's not worth it to screw your health over this. Worse case, sacrifice the cash n leave n save your health n sanity.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jack, I agree with Mr.Fisty's comment (2/21 post) that the behaviors you describe indicate "you're married to a child." Specifically, the childish behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, paranoia, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, feeling of entitlement, lack of empathy, black-white thinking, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it. And, to a lesser extent, you also are describing warning signs for narcissism.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and irrational jealousy.



jacko jack said:


> I would put her forward for an Oscar as she turns on emotions with every new situation that occurs.


If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), that frequent need to create DRAMA is exactly what you should expect to see. Because BPDers have a stunted emotional development (typically at the level of a four year old), they have very little ability to control their emotions -- resulting in such intense feelings that those feelings frequently distort their perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Moreover, because BPDers generally feel a terrible emptiness inside, they typically have a strong need to create DRAMA to fill up that emotional hole.



> She suffers from terrible mood swings, she has recently stormed up the stairs packed a bag and left the house now for nearly 24 hours. [Your 2/31 post.]


Jack, the most common causes of "terrible mood swings" are drug abuse and powerful hormone changes (e.g., pregnancy or perimenopause). If you can rule those conditions out, the two remaining common explanations are BPD and bipolar disorder. Significantly, the sudden event-triggered mood changes you describe are far more characteristic of BPD traits than they are of bipolar behavior.



> Said that she would call the police if I did not leave her alone in the room, saying that I have attacked her.


If she has strong BPD traits, you should take that threat very seriously. It is very common for BPDer wives to have their husbands thrown into jail on bogus charges of spousal brutality. Indeed, that is exactly how my 15 year marriage ended. Because my exW got me arrested early on a Saturday morning, I was in jail for nearly three full days before I could go before the judge in arraignment.



> We have been advised by our Vicar to go to counseling.


If she has strong BPD traits, counseling likely will be a total waste of time and money. Until a BPDer has had years of intensive treatment to address her more serious issues, her learning simple communication skills will not be helpful. Indeed, it likely would make things worse by improving her ability to manipulate -- and by giving her a stage on which to beat you up with false accusations every week.



> Please do not ever tell me that Domestic Violence is a purely male prerogative.... she is the one who came at me with a knife and bit me when I tried to open a bill addressed to me. [2/23 post.]


I agree with you, Jack. The repeated physical battering of a spouse -- by either the wife or husband -- is strongly associated with having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. Indeed, exhibiting intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. 

If your W is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. As I noted above, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> Could I have some comments/posts on this please.


Jack, I suggest you see a psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Jack, and best of luck with the heart problems. A divorce, you know, would go a long way to reducing your stress load.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Uptown

Many thanks for this, I will study it during my leisure, but it looks like you have hit the nail on the head. Once again , many thanks

King Regards

Jack


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Uptown 

I wonder if my ex is bi polar or narcissistic or both. 

Whatever it is, I can't go on anymore. divorce finalised recently. 

Will read what you suggested.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Tripad

Congratulations on your divorce, best of luck for the future.

Kind Regards

Jack


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Jack - I have read 75% of the replies on here. The one that jumped out of the screen at me was the one in which you referred to domestic violence.

I was a police officer in the UK until 11 years ago - I still have friends in 'the job' so still have an idea as to what is going on.

Even when I was serving the face of domestic violence was changing. 
- it crosses ALL social classes
- men can often be the victim
- emotional abuse/violence is often worse than physical abuse/violence

Asking to see the receipts for food shopping etc will not be seen as abuse. 
From what you say in your posts, YOU are the one being abused. You give her money for food etc yet she spends it on gambling etc.

Please believe me that these days the police/judicial system are fair when it comes to DV and if the wife is the 'offender' she will get done just as much as a husband would.

You have just as many rights as she does.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Askari
Many thanks for you post, I was going to try and insert a picture of my bruise that my wife inflicted on me last Friday, I am assured it is the last great Taboo, unfortunately this Taboo is happening to me.

Take Care

Jack


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

jacko jack said:


> Dear Tripad
> 
> Congratulations on your divorce, best of luck for the future.
> 
> ...


Thanks 

I guess one side of me is happy to have a new start n hope to be able to find love again. 

But it's definitely better than to be miserable n sad. 

On the other hand I've to deal with being a single mum. Thank god I m able to work n have a decent income.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Uptown 

I read your suggested reading 

Many points jump out at me n it's what my ex does to me 

Especially the part that says that a BPD will zoom in on a person with moral integrity n responsibility because they know we will not leave a loved one easily N will always clean up their mess. 

So true. My ex told me in my face with a smirk that I will nevery leave him. Now that I insist n left, he accused me of ruining him n trying to claw me whenever possible!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Tripad, I responded to you in your 2014 thread about your exH. If you would like to discuss him further, please see my post in that thread.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Jack...physical abuse is so much easier to prove because its visible!
You have visible evidence of an assault now.

Be warned though, that the Police no longer need YOU as the aggrieved to to support any possible prosecution.
In the past the aggrieved could withdraw their allegation which meant the CPS would throw it out.

Now, even if the aggrieved in a DV case withdraws the allegation the Police/CPS can (and often do) go ahead anyway.

More and more men who are the victims of DV are coming forwards, rightly, so the Police & CPS are taking it very seriously now.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Askari
Thank you for the advice, it is very interesting. My wife seems to be a bit easy today, I think the church and other people within the church have had second thoughts about believing her. 

Take care

Jack


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good evening everybody
Went with my wife to a World Women's Day of Prayer today, very nice, seems to be making things better. A question for women or men, why do people try and cover up purchases or even lie, this is an honest question, any answers anybody.

Kind Regards

Jacko Jack


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

jacko jack said:


> Good evening everybody
> Went with my wife to a World Women's Day of Prayer today, very nice, seems to be making things better. A question for women or men, why do people try and cover up purchases or even lie, this is an honest question, any answers anybody.
> 
> Kind Regards
> ...



Lies are a form of protection. You can lie to yourself to protect your ego, you can lie to others to hide your flaws, it all boils down to protection, and usually protection of self.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Bad upbringing 

My ex told me when I knew him in the beginning that when he was young, whenever he does any wrong, his mum will cover up for him, clean up the mess, n lie to his dad. 

Gosh 
I didn't see it as a red flag. 

But as an adult, l only found out too late that my ex n his family does wrong to me, n they including my ex, lie n lie n lie to cover for each other. 

So i know now what to teach my kids.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good evening Everybody

I think my wife displays NPD, Narcissitic Personality Disorder, thank you Uptown for opening me eyes to BPD, however, every time some one says something about themselves, she retorts with I have done that better or that has happened to me in a worse situation. I do not mean that it happens once or twice but it happens every time she has a conversation. Could I have peoples posts on this subject. Many thanks in anticipation.

Kind Regards

Jacko Jack


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is a almost certainty that she will not change. When it is ingrained into you that you are better than everyone else, and there is nothing wrong with you, what is there to fix. There are ways of living with a narcissist, but it is pretty much living your own life. It is you that change your expectations, and how you operate around that person. If you want fulfillment with a partner, you will not get it from her.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Mr.Fisty
Thank you for your post, she has now said that as she has not worked full-time for nine-years that I should pay her Jobseekers Allowance (JSA), therefore, I have raised the money that I pay her per month to £700($1350). Could I have anybody comment as a post on this women, I will not call her my wife as sex has not taken place in 7.5 years. Many thanks in anticipation, for your posts.

Kind Regards

Jacko Jack


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tie a rock around her neck and throw her in the Thames.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Jack you will be happier without her . After the initial pain is over, you will be alright. I was told that one year ago by a single dad whose wife cheated on him, while I was sobbing my heart out Abt my then H. oh jack btw he's British too. One year later, now, I am better, not crying over my NPD, robbing, DV , recently legally ex. 

you deserve better .someone who will appreciate your love n Care . Someone who will make house n food n give you the sex , you will be happier then .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Jack u mentioned u r 62. Just divorce n get a better woman. Think of the sex u can get. ??


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tripad.....

What fruity fungarden did you get that avatar from?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> tripad.....
> 
> What fruity fungarden did you get that avatar from?


just go google n type sunflower and take your pick .

why ?


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning everybody
Well yesterday went to see the Doctor about my wife, obviously he cannot do anything without her approval, but will try. My wife has spent an inordinate time cleaning, in the last two days, my friends of over fifty years are coming to see us today. She has said to me "Do you want them to see me as a slob", I nearly said "yes", seems to me that she must have other peoples approval, but not mine. What sought of trait is this. I have offered to help but the answer is always no. Has anybody any comments. Also when I came back from the doctors she said that a women has telephoned for me and that she, my wife was suspicious of me, any thoughts on that one, I can assure you I am not having an illicit relationship.

Kind Regards


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Has anybody any comments.


Yeah, your wife is a disordered ass. Divorce her.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Synthetic
Many thanks for this, I think so as well. Any more comments anybody, you do not realise how much of a relief this is, the Church thinks she wonderful. She claims that marriage is just legalized slavery (J.S.Mill), could anybody from America, tell me what was given to slaves when they gained there freedom. Many thanks in anticipation.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

My ex seeks other people's approval more than me too. Example, during church counselling, I spill my guts abt his financial n physical abuse. Later, I found messages he send secretly to counsellor saying that he was " concern for my salvation please save her soul" and his " dream of becoming a missionary to save thousands of souls was rejected by me ". Hence he " made a deal with God to stay with me just to save my one soul " I was shocked, jaw hit floor, at how pretentious he is. I called counsellor up n said if he pay bills n be a responsible father n husband , my soul will be saved instantly, n he never had dreams of being a missionary. N if he ever become a missionary, no souls will be saved as he doesn't have god.

At another counselling, he tried to impress the counselor with some lies. I told the counsellor that if I don't know better, I will be wondering if my ex loves her, not me. 

So yes jack your wife is as mad as my ex. 

That's is what uptown was saying about " mirroring ". 

Just like my ex hangs out with a sports guy n next thing is he participates in sports event n call himself a triathlete!


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Wife
Why did you get married,

1) So that you could leach off me, you are mot married, you just use marriage as an excuse for being idol.

2) You use sex and money as a weapon.

3) You have not brought anything to this marriage except greed and sorrow.

yyyyyyy


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Just divorce n get out 

Better alone n happy than married n miserable


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Wife

You have now told me that I am going to a prostitute, can you tell me why, I get very little back for my money.


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