# I'm not doing it well



## GhostSnow (Jul 16, 2014)

Hi! 

My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. I think that i'm not pleasing him at all. I am actually sure about that. Whenever we're together i just lay there and let him do the stuff. he never says anything about it. i know most of men love blow jobs and you know but i hate these stuff. I guess it's because i was never into a sex relationship before and it makes me feel awkward to talk about it. we talked about these stuff and he tried to help me many times but it never worked.
I am afraid if i don't do well at it i might ruin my marriage or something. i know this sounds very complicated but please try to help me 

Thanks all for reading


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you get sexually aroused during sex?


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## GhostSnow (Jul 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you get sexually aroused during sex?


yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

1) You are very new at this and you both will need to learn and keep learning. Try to start talking. He may be as shy as you are but learning to talk/laugh is a good start.

2) "Most men" - where does this come from? Learn about your man. The world has a very fake impression of what "most men" say they need. Porn drives this a lot and is a bunch of crap.

3) Men are simple to arouse. Women are not. Men need to learn what it takes to please his woman and then she will be pleasing him. 

4) Plan for a lot of years to get better and better at this. Practice, practice, practice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I sent you a PM with some ideas.....


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Ghost...I'm afraid I am going to be brutally honest with you.

When I first started having sex with my wife (then GF) she was a virgin. She was very shy about sex, nervous about touching me, even more nervous about me touching her and so sex was very vanilla, often with her just lying there. 
For years I tried to encourage her to relax and enjoy what I was doing to her... that in the privacy of our bedroom she COULD let 'go'.

Sadly she never did. Although we married and have two lovely children (the reason I stay) she never realised how important sex was to me (or any husband) and that being called a disgusting pervert for wanting a BJ and being called a sex maniac for wanting sex more than once a month and being constantly rejected has taken its toll.
I have lost all interest in her, and not only sexually.

I know this will sound one sided, but sex is VERY important to men, its how we bond, its how we show our partners we love them. We we get rejected it hurts big time. 

I hope your husband also respects where you are coming from and speaks your 'language' of love. 
Being good friends and getting on with your husband is great but if your sex life is not satisfying for BOTH of you, I'm afraid your marriage will fall apart sooner or later.

Please try to open up...sex is a wonderful thing (I have a good memory!)...especially when it is between two people who love each other and want to totally and passionately entwined with each other...and want to make each other happy.

I've never had that with my wife because she simply wasn't interested in my needs or looking after each others desires etc.
Because of her attitude and lack of interest, she will probably spend the last 25 years of her life alone.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

There are many good books out there explaining sex. "Sheet Music" is one you could try.

I suggest if talking is uncomfortable that you start with just showing. Ask him to show you where it feels best, or ask him does he like it better like this or like that? Ask him to show guide you how it feels good for him. For example ask him to put his hand on yours and show you how he likes to be touched.

It sounds as if you are passive and he is doing all the work. So I think you need to be more active.

If you don't like him cumming in your mouth, you could give him a bj but then finish him with your hands. Let him cum on your chest. Then play with him gently after he finishes. He'll be in heaven! For what it's worth I don't think most men want to cum on her face, they either want to finish in the mouth or are very happy to cum on her chest. The breasts are a major turn on for men, so finishing there (and rubbing in it when they finish) is a big turn on.

If you need to, you could try giving a bj with him wearing a condom. The sensation is not as good for him, but he can finish in the condom in your mouth and you'll never taste it. This may be a stepping stone worth trying.

I always like the His Night/Her Night method of breaking the ice. One night is His Night and he gets what he wants, but only what he tells you to do. If he wants you to sit down, he tells you to sit down. If he wants you to kiss, he tells you to kiss. You can change it to "ask" if that makes you feel better. Neither one of you should do anything you aren't ok with. The other night is Her Night. Same game just reversed. You get whatever you want. You can have him run you a warm bath and bring you a glass of wine. You can have him wash you (but no sexual touches! build the tension!). Then he dries you off. Then you go to the bedroom and you tell him what you want.

This exercise is a good and safe way for you to each communicate your likes and your desires. When it is Her Night, he expects you to tell him or guide him, so it isn't frightening to him when you tell him "more over that way". Same thing when it is his night, he can tell you what he wants and he can give you corrections without it being uncomfortable for either one of you.

Ideally you should be able to talk about sex. You might try talking about it outside of the bedroom. Saturday morning when there is no rush to go anywhere you can just say to him that you feel as if you aren't being as good a lover in bed as you want to be, and you would like to learn to do better. You could say that you feel as if you are unsure what to do or exactly how he likes for you to do things. Tell him you'd like him to either tell you or guide you more.

Men are problem solvers, so give him a problem to solve!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think your a wise woman to come here and seek advice!!!!!!!!!!!!


that alone say you can and will over come this and have a fantastic sex life.


he is the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. open honest comunication without shame is the answer. make it fun if he balks at anything you tell him you like just say everybody is different and this is what I like and same goes for you he likes what he like and you woun't be able to change that about him so accept it and grow your marriage into something special!!!!!



good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How do you get aroused if you just lay there?


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## GhostSnow (Jul 16, 2014)

That was very helpful thanks a lot


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon ghostsnow
I think it is important to learn what YOU enjoy - and then tell him. Most men really enjoy pleasing their partners.

You can get ideas of techniques from books, or maybe amateur porn (the pro stuff is a terrible guide - it shows things that look good but are not necessarily enjoyable). 

Then realize that different men like different things. Ask him what he likes. Give things a try - but if you aren't ready to do them yet, let him know. Don't decide you will NEVER do something, just that you will wait until you are ready for it. 

Finally, don't try too hard. Sex should be fun.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would suggest you start ignoring yourself and stop being selfish and focus on your husband's needs.

Your entire outlook on sex life is toxic and unhealthy. 

Keep it up and your marriage will be on the line...in time.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

GhostSnow said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. I think that i'm not pleasing him at all. I am actually sure about that. *Whenever we're together i just lay there and let him do the stuff.*


Why? Why do you just lie there? 

Why don't you touch him? Or change positions? Or get into a rhythm where you are moving with him?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

DoF said:


> I would suggest you start ignoring yourself and stop being selfish and focus on your husband's needs.
> 
> Your entire outlook on sex life is toxic and unhealthy.
> 
> Keep it up and your marriage will be on the line...in time.


I'm surprised to read this post. I mean, you're usually pretty level headed. She has 3 posts, about a dozen sentences total. And somehow you know that her entire outlook on sex life is toxic and unhealthy? I'm confused on which of the 12 sentences resulted in that conclusion. The one where she is worried that she's not pleasing her husband? The one where she hasn't given a bj? The fact that she's a newlywed who hasn't had any sexual relationships before?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm surprised to read this post. I mean, you're usually pretty level headed.


Well, thank you.



WorkingOnMe said:


> She has 3 posts, about a dozen sentences total. And somehow you know that her entire outlook on sex life is toxic and unhealthy? I'm confused on which of the 12 sentences resulted in that conclusion. The one where she is worried that she's not pleasing her husband? The one where she hasn't given a bj? The fact that she's a newlywed who hasn't had any sexual relationships before?


Here you go



GhostSnow said:


> Hi!
> * I think that i'm not pleasing him at all*. I am actually sure about that. *Whenever we're together i just lay there and let him do the stuff.* he never says anything about it. *i know most of men love blow jobs and you know but i hate these stuff.* I guess it's because i was never into a sex relationship before and* it makes me feel awkward to talk about it*. we talked about these stuff and he tried to help me many times but it never worked.
> *I am afraid if i don't do well at it i might ruin my marriage or something*. i know this sounds very complicated but please try to help me
> 
> Thanks all for reading


It's a combination of ALL of the above really.

This type of outlook/behavior can be rather disastrous to a relationship.


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