# Broken marriage but still in the same house



## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

I am suffering the worst of both worlds, the marriage has 
died but we are still in the same house

My wife turned 50, having a midlife crisis, apparently her
news years resolution was to end the 22 year marriage

Last year she became close friends with a toxic woman who
was divorcing her husband. On Jan 4th when she got back from her parents the hostility began and gradually became worse. The secrecy began, she locked down her computer, ipad, and smart phone and started leaving the house a 8:00 am and coming back in the evening and simply would not talk to me

4 weeks ago I searched phone records and discovered a number she called every day for long periods. I called the #, it was the toxic friend, I said sorry, wrong #. That day I took my daughters to the field museum in Chicago, while having lunch I the most
astonishing call ever. Wife called and screamed the most hateful things ever ever said. "I WANT YOU DEAD" over and over. hung up, called again, and then again. I held the phone away from my ear and the tables around us could hear the hatred. 

I sat there stunned and afraid. When people say that to you
you have to be concerned

Finally we went home, walking into the house with a baseball bat to protect myself from attack

She continued to go ballistic on me AND my daughters

I quickly left. She moved out (to the toxic friend) went that day
to the bank and took all cash ($61k) I controll the investment accounts, but most are joint accounts 

The next 3 weeks there was an occaisonal superficial text on
matters that had to be dealt with

A week ago she abruptly moved back. She has been advised
that she needs to to re-establish residence to get the house
(The house is paid for)

I run my business from the house, extensive files, samples etc
I would move immediately for my sanity but I can't

I am going to a counselor to deal with this and have an appt
to see a lawyer next week

The hostility is severe, her goal is to get me to move out.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I feel for you, DA.

My STBXW was certainly "helped on her way" by a combination of bitter divorcees and fun-loving singletons who seem to think that all men are idiots and that relationships are as disposable as handbags (need a new one every season). Their aim seems to be to ensure that all women are as "free" and as "happy" as they are. They are indeed so free and happy that they seem to have a constant need to drink to excess (just to remind themselves how free and happy they are) and to have bitter conversations dripping with poison (just to remind themselves how happy they all are with their new lifestyles).


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Carry a VAR on you when you are around her. Document the money she took out.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My marriage has dissolved and we are both in the same house still, but it is no where near this intensity. I agree with the VAR, and possibly even saying that if she is going to behave such, she cannot live there. Also getting evidenced rom the bank WHO removed the money. She is trying to leave you with nothing. You need to fight back with a lawyer like there is no tomorrow...and don't let her prepare your meals. Ever.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Oooh, hadn't thought about the food thing. Women love to poison
especially if they are already poisinous


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Take her off your life insurance policy as your beneficiary...today.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

taking her off life ins, as well as beneficiary on the investment accounts. I am sleeping in the basement, door is securely locked at night, don't want a hammer to the head..."whoops he fell down the stairs"


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Are your children safe around her?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

BFGuru said:


> Take her off your life insurance policy as your beneficiary...today.


A lot of company's won't allow that w/o the other spouses signature. Mine included. I wanted to take my stbx off as beneficiary and can't until after the divorce is final.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

They were there at the psychotic episode 3 weeks ago
my oldest is very wary, she is buying the love of my 15 year
old with daily shopping trips, that I will of course have to pay for


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Dude...I would file a police report pronto, kick her butt out and change the locks on the house. She is making threats that cannot be taken lightly. And if she's going psycho on your kids too? DEFINITELY kick her out and get that report filed.

And start carrying.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Hmmm. Can he write a will indicating that if something happens to him, no funds will be released until her innocence is proven? And if she is guilty it goes into a trust fund for his kids instead of to her?


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

I have no words of wisdom here....but my heart breaks for you.....I hope you can get her out of the house and QUICK. No one should have to be living with that much fear......


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Next week I have to start traveling a great deal on business
I am pretty sure my kids will be ok, but still worried about
my eldest, they are very angry at each other

I am also worried about her changing the locks when I am in Boston next week. She is telling mutual friends and relatives
that I have been abusing her for 22 years. Of course they all know that is BS, but could be setting the stage for drastic action.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Can you contact the police today? And take your kids with you? Hire someone to keep an eye on them while you are in business meetings etc...but if what you say is true...she scares me.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> I feel for you, DA.
> 
> My STBXW was certainly "helped on her way" by a combination of bitter divorcees and fun-loving singletons who seem to think that all men are idiots and that relationships are as disposable as handbags (need a new one every season). Their aim seems to be to ensure that all women are as "free" and as "happy" as they are. They are indeed so free and happy that they seem to have a constant need to drink to excess (just to remind themselves how free and happy they are) and to have bitter conversations dripping with poison (just to remind themselves how happy they all are with their new lifestyles).


It's the worst. Right around the time my wife's EA started, she reconnected with a toxic high school friend that she hadn't seen in a couple years (I had always liked her, and was glad they were hanging out again). Turns out she had just left her boyfriend of several years, for a lot of the same issues me and my wife were going through (emotional unavailability, lack of affection, etc). And she seemed so happy - out every weekend, already seeing someone else. My wife followed suit - out every weekend, suddenly gets wrapped up in a full blown EA/PA. If her friend didn't explicitly tell her to abandon the marriage, she certainly helped put the idea in her head, and did nothing to talk my wife down as she watched her cheat.

It's bad enough trying to knock a WS out of the fog of an OM/OW. Add in a toxic bff and I would go so far as to say it's actually impossible.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Question: If you know it's over, is it best to file first?

Go on offese?


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Went to see a good lawyer today, the first two were dabblers,
storefront lawyers that also do divorce law

I learned how things work, that it divorce can be easy or 
very very hard. I prefer easy

I also realized that instead of trying to hang on and hope
for reconciliation divorce will benefit me greatly. 

The biggest mystery for me was how $ get split. This is
actually a great time to get a divorce. My income has been
diminished through the reccession and is now rebounding
She wants to finish grad school, ... let her pay for it
I am the frugal one, she is the spender. 

Split the $, I can make more, I am in my prime earning years

Give her alimony on reduced earnings, 

Split the retirement funds (no choice here) most of the $ are
in IRA's and 401k's

Let her have the paid for house. (she pays me half) with the alimony I will have to pay on last 3 years earnings she simply
will not be able to afford the house 

Get the negativity and hostility out of my life.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

I agree that you should let the police know what is going down at your residence, especially since you will be gone for a few days. Give them your side of the story so they have that if/when your spouse brings them into the picture. 

I filed for a divorce last month in WI and it seemed like the person filing (the petitioner) has a slight advantage over the respondent in that when you go before a judge or court commissioner you speak first and can set the tone of the proceeding.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

I called the cops, the asked if there had been a physical altercation, I said no, just threats. They said call when someone hits someone

She has been telling the whole world that I have been abusing
here for 22 years. Everybody who knows us knows that is simply not true.

The woman has been without a single goal in 22 years. 
(ok until recently she was a pretty good mom)

I am now to blame that she has not been a success

She has calmed down and now is just deeply sullen and 
uncommunicative. 

My goal is to gone a lot on business trips, absence will 
help my sanity

She says we go to a counselor Mon (I set the appt) I don't
believe she will actually go, if not, Probably should file right away

I told the lawyer Friday that she had taken all of our cash
out of the bank ($61k). He said "What, you haven't filed for divorce yet"?


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

She left a few minutes ago, not from fighting, she went over
to her man hating (recently divorced) toxic friend's house for the night, probably to get more tips on how to bring misery to the world

She will come back tomorrow, even worse


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

DumpedAgain said:


> I called the cops, the asked if there had been a physical altercation, I said no, just threats. They said call when someone hits someone
> 
> She has been telling the whole world that I have been abusing
> here for 22 years. Everybody who knows us knows that is simply not true.
> ...


OMG, she sounds mentally disturbed. Either there is something you aren't saying about the mistakes that you've made in the relationship ... or she's just gone bat sh!t crazy. Sounds like this woman is putting all sort of ideas in her head but they have to be based on something even if it is an extreme overreaction or misunderstanding (this woman doesn't really know you). I'm not saying you've done something terrible or have even been a bad husband but what is she basing all this on? When she had her episode, starting by calling you up and repeatedly yelling how much she hates you ... what triggered her to do that? Did she ever say?


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

In Dec she had another one of her "turn over a new leaf"
experiences. These happen so often that everyone in the 
family jokes that she turns over a new leaf so often she 
needs a leaf blower

I always have supported her in whatever new diet she is 
on, or whatever new excersize program that will change 
her life. There have been dozens of these "leaf turnings"
They average about 2 months, then she goes back to her
life of getting up late, watching 12 hours of tv and doing 
nothing. Heck I paid $16k 4 years ago for plastic surgery
boobs, lipo, eyes chin. She then just let herself go, 

In Dec, without telling anyone she got her Dr to prescribe
a weight loss drug (third time down this path) The drug
he prescribed is Topomax, a drug for heavy migraines, 
epilepsy, and bi-polar patients, a serios brain drug, with
significant side effects, including fits of anger, forgetfulness
spaciness. The drug has just recently been ok'd by the FDA
for weight loss and is quite contraversial. If you google
side effects for topomax, there are extensive forums discussing
the bad side effects, not to mention the lawsuits

Adding it all up

Yes, I did drift away from her, I did not show her enough love
and support and care. I took her for granted. I figured, we are in our 50's, this is how marriage is. I was wrong

Cancer: first she had bladder cancer, of course she became 
completely focused on that. She feared for her life, she did
the chemo and went into remission

Then I was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, got real sick, chemo tore me up, lost 62 lbs, went from healthy to looking like a concentration camp victim, I was pretty sure I 
was going to die, bad year, bad for the marriage

Then, her cancer came back, another bullet to the relationship
She finished chemo 6 months ago. in remission

Now, my cancer is making a comeback, my blood counts are 
fairly rapidly going in the wrong direction. I am showing symptoms, rapid weight loss (2-3 pounds/wk) fatigue, anemia
bruising. So I have been pretty focused on finding the next
approach to treatment, investigating trials etc. She hates this
focus on cancer, she has said many times "I am sick of your
F'ing cancer" 

After she turned over this "new leaf". She became very close to
the "toxic" friend. She has a long history of being friends with badly damaged women. This friend had recently thrown out
her husband and was openly bragging about how she was
going to destroy him and take every penny

That's when it started in earnest. I had to come back from 
the inlaws from xmas early as my son had a Dr appt
She came back 4 days later and was a different person,
completely different, hostile, condescending, demanding

I called the Dr last month to talk about this drug. He wouldn't
talk to me citing HIPPA laws of patient privacy. I told his
nurse that this drug was destroying my wife, (even her parents
and begged me to try to get her off this drug) She said
there was nothing they could do, however when I mentioned
liability, I got an anxious call from the Dr trying to see what 
they can do. They called my wife and asked how she was doing
with the drug, she believes i put the doctor up to this

I have no idea if she is still on this drug, no one knows, she
doesn't eat, she is losing a lot of weight and she is still angry
and spacey. 

I have gotten an appt today at 2:30 for a MC, She is waffling
in a serious way, if she shows up. First question will be

"Are you off the Drug"


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

We had an appt for MC, she showed up.. I will give her that
but sat there stone faced and hostile for the first 10 minutes
with the counselor trying to get her to talk. 

Because the counselor couldn't get her to to talk, she asked
me what do you think your wife said to her the one time they
had met before. 

I said that she thought that I had held her back, been critical
kept her from fulfilling her dreams, kept her from getting 
her masters degree. While I was freely admitting my many 
faults, she got madder and madder

Finally she burst free and went on a rant about how I had
absolutely destroyed her life. That her lack of success and
happiness was 100% my fault

It really got ugly, we both got mad, became a classic blame
game. 

Finally the counselor had enough with both of us and asked
"Do you both want a Divorce"

By this time, we were both ready for a divorce right then
and there

It was an eye opener, The truth is we really don't like each 
other. maybe there is a glimmer of love somewhere in there

She did agree to another session next Monday. We both
agreed to not talk to each other at all, unless it's about the
weather or something innocuous


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Dude, this is brutal, and she is a grown woman. She needs to stfu and accept responsibility for her life.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Went to a meetup.com "Going thru Divorce" meeting last
night. Great to be around people,( just like this board)
going thru the same BS

I wish I could say that it was comforting, but it did help


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Apparently she went to see a real divorce lawyer, instead of
The pitbull that was telling her she would get the paid off house
AND half the money

She wants to finish her masters degree, and has apparently
Realized the realities of what she will actually get in the divorce 

She wants the house, but now realizes she will have to pay
Me for half, the bulk of the money is in tax protected retirement
Accounts that can't be touchéd without huge penalties and the 
Alimony she is likely to receive will cover approximately half
Of her current expenses

I am getting texts from suggesting she wants to talk about
Being roommates, (open marriage) at next weeks counseling

Economically this makes sense for her

But for me?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Just say thanks but no thanks.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

BFGuru said:


> Just say thanks but no thanks.


I have to agree why should you help her out. Just file asap and get on with your life.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

DumpedAgain said:


> Economically this makes sense for her
> 
> But for me?


In her recently revised plan, keeping you around is a Plan B, and in her eyes a detestable Plan B at that. It should be equally detestable to you.

It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job at disconnecting the emotional hose. Continue down that path, and take care of yourself and your kids. That's job #1, particularly with your health issues (sorry as hell to hear of them; it probably feels like one hell of a double whammy).

File for divorce. Maybe it'll snap her out of her angry stupor and maybe it won't, but the rational side of you knows that you can't go on like this.

I'm 50 and have been married 29 years. My situation isn't as extreme as yours, but I know it's tough. You can handle it. If you don't find that to be true now, you will.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

I really do appreciate the advice I get here, I am prone 
to doing stupid things when it comes to this

We are separated but in the same house, I am traveling
on biz so I haven't actually interacted with her this week

My brain tells me, get out now! Alas, my heart is still
is vacillating. 

I know, I know... I am weak


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Do it dumped. I swear, just the act of envisioning me and the kids in the apartment we looked at today felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Not sure if I can afford or not, but I'm working on figuring out the details now.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Thanks BF

You're right, You're right. I know getting away from the source
of my pain will help.

I am going to see a real estate agent today, to see what the
possibilities are, I have a large office at my house, I have
2 employees that come here to work everyday. So moving
is a real commitment. Workstations, files, samples... a ton


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Those employees can help you move! Plus, they get dibs in how they want their areas in the office to look. It's a win win! Do it dumped. You will be glad you did.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

I DID IT

I FILED FOR DIVORCE

what a relief, truly a relief.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Filed for divorce yesterday, still in the same house. My office
is here, files, computers, workstations, 2 employees

Moving will take some time, although not sure I should, the 
house is paid for, one of us will have to buy the other out
Neither of us have the funds to do it. These types of
move up houses are not selling at all

Whoever stays in the house probably will get to stay here 
until the house sells, which will be quite awhile

Even after alimony and child support I can afford the house
She can't, she will go bankrupt supporting the high cost
of this house


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## calm (Mar 11, 2013)

DumpedAgain said:


> I DID IT
> 
> I FILED FOR DIVORCE
> 
> what a relief, truly a relief.


Good for you. I'm in Chi, too. Would you recommend your atty? I'm looking for one.

My situation is somewhat similar to yours but I'm the wife and my husband who doesn't want to leave the house. He will miss the kids, which I understand. I'm unsure how my leaving first (with the kids) would impact future settlement. I've told him that I will agree to a generous visitation schedule. They need him just as much as they need me - and we need them.

Your story is very sad to me, and I"m sorry you're going through it. I don't understand when parents can't be adults and put their kids first.... Just because the marriage is broken, your relationship with your kids is not and should be the priority. Acting nuts and hateful just scares them. And think about what she's teaching them - THIS is how marriage is???! Sad.

My husband and I were not the best marriage partners... but we're good parents. And trying to remain that way despite it all.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

After I filed and got the ball rolling it was a wave of relief
and now that we are doing the nuts and bolts, providing
bank records, tax returns etc she is starting to make
reconciliation gestures.

Originally she was getting some very bad financial advice
She was being told she would get the house AND half the
money, Finally her lawyer told her how it was actually going
to work, that she was going to go from an upper middle class
lifestyle to a much lower standard of living

Her Rage has diminished and is starting to have second thoughts

I am frustrated, she caused this whole thing and I have gone
thru a lot of pain and work to acccept Divorce, and now she
is confusing the issue

This is the 3rd time in 25 years she has done this, I want the
divorce, and then possibly reconcile at some point


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

update

the process is moving along, reality hit her, she can't afford the
house, I am buying her out with retirement funds. 

Her lawyer feels it should be 1 dollar of retirement funds for each
dollor of house value. Of course with the retirement funds there 
are large captital gains. Not a dollar for dollar exchange

Her big issue is keeping my daughter at the same High School
She has moved out of the district, and wants the child support
($28k/year) and still wants to have her officially live at my house
She is either going to have to move back to the HS district or
give up the $28k/year

She didn't think this thru very well

Mark


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

She has figured out she won't be able to buy a house. There is
a lot of money, but it is almost all in SEP IRA'and IRAs. 

She has been compensating by grabbing money. The divorce
started by her cleaning out our savings acct $60k. Since then
I have only put in enough $ to pay the bills

She has figured a way around the road block by running up 
the credit cards. We used to pay off the cards monthly, she
is close to maxing out 2 credit cards

Now she wants me to buy her out of the paid for house. It is
going to be a Battle as her lawyer is claiming it is worth
far more that it will actually sell for

This will go on for awhile with the struggle over the house

My lawyer is preparing a legal separation that will place her
on a budget and put an end to crazy spending

Mark


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

DumpedAgain said:


> She has figured out she won't be able to buy a house. There is
> a lot of money, but it is almost all in SEP IRA'and IRAs.
> 
> She has been compensating by grabbing money. The divorce
> ...



Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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