# Mentally drained



## SouthernBelle47 (Nov 1, 2015)

My husband (let's call him J) and I have been married 7 yrs, together 9. We have two small children, we're 30 and 31 yrs old. 
We both work shift work (12 hour opposite shifts, works well for the kids). He is a difficult man. He's pushed my family away by being rude, they live hours away and when they come to visit he'll either barely speak or not speak at all. 
He won't say a word to my brother in law, bc he just "doesn't like him". My parents have always treated him well and he knows he shouldn't be rude but says he can't help. 
He's never been the really affectionate type, but there are times that it bothers me. For instance in church, our children were sitting between us and when they left for kid time, I motioned to him to scoot down beside me and he just said "no you come here". I see all the other husbands by their wives, arms around them. And we're sitting 2 ft apart. 
I obsessively keep our home clean, I hate clutter, and he's very messy and will leave his stuff lying around. If I didn't work it wouldn't be such an issue, but considering I work 12 hour shifts, I don't want to come home and pick up his junk, I want to spend time with my family. 
He says its just not the way he thinks, and it'll never change. 
So recently, I've told him I need to see some changes, I cannot keep going on like this, and he says he thinks we're just too different, but he loves me and wants to make things better, he just feels he won't be able to make the changes. I think he's just selfish and lazy. I feel lonely and depressed. I know he's not happy, I'm always nagging (bc he doesn't do what he needs to do). I tell him constantly, if you would just pick up your crap, I wouldn't have to nag you to do it. 
He also doesn't spend quality time with our kids, his idea of quality time is taking them to the gym and putting them in childcare or watching TV. 
On top of it, we're building a new home which has added stress, and we're under contract. 
I don't want to be in a miserable marriage, we argue all. the. time. But I do love him and I don't want to leave him, I just want him to be a better husband and father. 
I've even considered the possibility of him having Aspergers, as he often says inappropriate or rude things but thinks it's hilarious, and he has quirks (like he has to park under a tree, or he prefers certain numbers, etc) but he thinks that's ridiculous bc he's very athletic and has lots of friends. 
Is this marriage reparable or is it a lost cause and we're just putting off the inevitable?!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What's there love about this guy?

From were I'm sitting the both of you are great exambles to your kids in how to have an unhealthy marriage.

Time for some counseling.

It's just a matter of time before one of you start screwing around.

Having been there i suggest you take the steps to make some changes cuz in the end bad behaviors continues with out consequences.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

Marriage is a "team sport." It's reparable but only if you both want to work at it. I would recommend some marriage counselling. Just tell your H straight up that you feel there are some serious issues you need to address and you would like to seek some help in doing that. Sit down and talk with him about the issues you guys are having but when you do, don't go off on an accusatory tirade (i.e. You did [blank]!). It won't matter how right you are, as soon as people are faced with accusations they immediately turn off listening mode and go on the defense. Instead, tell him how you are feeling (i.e. [Blank] makes me feel [blank] because [blank]).


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## SouthernBelle47 (Nov 1, 2015)

There are things to love, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. But I feel like over the years, the bad outweighs the good. 

I have told him our marriage is in serious trouble, to which he agrees, we both want it to work out, but he's so stubborn and lazy, I don't know if marriage counseling will work.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

You won't know if counseling will work until you truly give it your effort. Will your H go?


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