# Getting his attention



## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

We have some issues (obviously, or I wouldn't be here). I've said twice right out, within the last month, that I think we need to see a marriage counselor. He blew it off both times. "Wouldn't help." Maybe he's right and it wouldn't help, but I don't see how it could possibly hurt.
So how do I get his attention? We've got four kids, a fifth on the way, and a decade invested in this marriage, and I'm about ready to call it quits. He's obviously content enough with the current situation. I'm not.
Among the other issues are serious revisions of marital history: I'm pretty sure on his part, he claims on mine--my memory's not the best, but I don't think it's quite that bad.
I think our insurance would cover at least part of the expense of counseling if we went with one of their approved counselors (it's through his job, so I can't see the benefits website to be sure), and I'd be happy to let him partly pick the counselor--I told him so. (I'm thinking he comes up with a list of insurance covered counselors he'd be comfortable with and I pick one from that list. I think that's reasonable--but I'm in the last trimester, so my idea of reasonable may be a little, ah, irrational right now.)
So, guys, what would it take to convince you? Gals, what got your husband's attention?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Guys typically don't feel compelled to change unless they are balancing on that precipice, ready to fall over the edge. Did you tell him this isn't negotiable? Either you two see a marriage councilor or you two see a divorce lawyer. Put that on the list and make him choose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Guys typically don't feel compelled to change unless they are balancing on that precipice, ready to fall over the edge. Did you tell him this isn't negotiable? Either you two see a marriage councilor or you two see a divorce lawyer. Put that on the list and make him choose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea....this :iagree:

Give him 2 choices. Counselor or divorce lawyer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't understand when one party sees their partner has genuine concern for the relationship and they blow it off. Sigh. My ex was like that too. I asked him for months to go. He thought it was stupid. We divorced eventually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you are seriously considering divorce then you need to start working out the logistics of life after divorce. This means becoming self supporting because the last thing you want is to become completely dependent on your ex-husband's ability to pay child support. In a perfect world this shouldn't be, but in the real world it is.

Maybe if he sees you taking steps towards achieving this and you inform him of them, he just might get that wake up call that you need from him.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Make an appointment and tell him you're going and you want him there. If he doesn't want to go then tell him that you will also make an appointment with a lawyer. You don't want a divorce but he doesn't want to work on it so you have no choice but to be prepared. Finish with, I really hope you come because I want us to work this out.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

In my case it was me that didn't want to go to counseling. He did. What pushed me over the edge was realizing it was either counseling or divorce because what we were doing obviously wasn't working.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

I'm working on the self-supporting thing--not the easiest with our family size and that he's uprooted us four times for his career (my memory--he disagrees, though I haven't figured out why he thinks I decided to move when it was he who quit his jobs), which pretty much hashed my career--I'm self-employed by the nature of what I do, or was.
I don't want to give him an ultimatum yet--I know it would take me years to make a go of it financially here, so I would need to move closer to my family, where I still have some reputation in my field and would have family and friends to help, the kids are still very upset from the last move, and I don't want to make any irrevocable decisions before this baby's born and my hormones (and temper) have settled. Moving pregnant is awful, and I've done it three times already.
He's not a bad guy, really. The kids are nuts about him--we were separated due to logistics during this latest move for a couple months and when he was able to come visit they were thrilled. Some of what's going on, I'm sure, is due to being from different cultures, and some of it, I just don't know.
So short of saying counselor or divorce attorney, there's not much I can do to get through to him? Then I guess I'm waiting til after New Years.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think some people are scared of disclosing things during counselling and that’s why they wont go. I also think some people are afraid of being “found out” during counselling. That is that they have secret thoughts they don’t want to reveal but they think the counsellor will somehow uncover them.

Why not book yourselves on a marriage enrichment program? These are more like a seminar format that doesn’t have any audience participation, great for those who have no wish to speak their innermost thoughts and feelings. I think these are mainly run by churches and are free of charge.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Well, one thing - you gotta go yourself first.

You are upset and very angry about the situation. A good therapist might help you see things in different light and maybe even push him in the right direction.

Don't wait for him! You go!


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