# How do I make it work?



## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

So I've been with my boyfriend for seven years. We have a six year old and we now both work opposite shifts. We get an hour a day with each other if we are lucky. I'm in bed when he gets home. He goes to bed an hour before I get up for work. We talk on his two ten minute breaks. But that's it. I feel so lost. I'm so used to being able to fall asleep with him. Being able to see him. I just don't know how I'm supposed to make this work.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Is changing shifts or jobs an option?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You two need to figure out a way to get on the same shift. You not only need to spend time together, you need to be on the same schedule for your weekends so you can be alert and energetic doing things together.

This is a serious problem in your marriage which will destroy it before too long. It is that big of a deal. You are already having major distress over it, and it will only get worse.

Talk to him and let him know you want to put together a solid plan. Don't just accept words, make sure it is followed up with actions.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

I'd like to switch shifts but unfortunately if I do we would still have to do opposite shifts because our daughter needs to goto school and get picked up by us. No sitter. We had his mother doing it for all the years before and it just became too much on her and on us.

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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Can you or he change something in the schedule to get at least one full day off together? That would help. It sounds like you make the most of your time together, as brief as it is. But, I understand wanting to spend a lot of time with the love of your life.  I would try getting one day off per week together, or at least twice per month?


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

Yeah we get Sunday but I usually work Mondays so no going to bed together. I feel like this is going to make us distant. And he seems ok with it which is the sad part of it all.

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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

brokengrl86 said:


> Yeah we get Sunday but I usually work Mondays so no going to bed together. I feel like this is going to make us distant. And he seems ok with it which is the sad part of it all.
> 
> Sent from my Z981 using Tapatalk


He may not be ok with it, but is "sucking it up" so to speak because he can't see a alternative. :frown2:


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> He may not be ok with it, but is "sucking it up" so to speak because he can't see a alternative. :frown2:


Yes very true. He is a very hard person to read and reach. And doesn't like to talk about things so that makes it more hard

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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Major decision time......fix it or die......


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

Why die if I can't fix it?

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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

The relationship dies


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I worked nights for a while next to a married couple on a assembly line. The both worked the night shift and had a sitter stay in house. Pay was reduced as sitter got to sleep. Sitter dropped off kid at school, parents picked up after school.

Don't know what they did during the non-school months.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would a job change be an option?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

brokengrl86 said:


> Yeah we get Sunday but I usually work Mondays so no going to bed together. I feel like this is going to make us distant. And he seems ok with it which is the sad part of it all.
> 
> Sent from my Z981 using Tapatalk


I recently got married, and my mom gave me a great piece of advice, she said ''don't read into things that aren't there.'' 

She basically said that life will throw us enough things to deal with over time, we don't need to look for them. So, maybe your husband is upset over it too, but men often times don't show their emotions, or they tend to just keep moving when things are hard. My husband loves to hear about things that are bothering me like at work or whatever, but he is somewhat stoic, but he does share, after a little prodding. lol So, don't think this is your husband just accepting it, he just might be frustrated and ''dealing'' with it as best he can. I hope you can find more time together, somehow.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I recently got married, and my mom gave me a great piece of advice, she said ''don't read into things that aren't there.''
> 
> She basically said that life will throw us enough things to deal with over time, we don't need to look for them. So, maybe your husband is upset over it too, but men often times don't show their emotions, or *they tend to just keep moving when things are hard. *My husband loves to hear about things that are bothering me like at work or whatever, but he is somewhat stoic, but he does share, after a little prodding. lol So, don't think this is your husband just accepting it, he just might be frustrated and ''dealing'' with it as best he can. I hope you can find more time together, somehow.


Lot's of men are problem solvers, and it frustrates them when they can't find a way to fix it.
Trick is to talk to him without making him feel your laying a problem on him to fix.

Maybe something like "Let's both think on what we could do to get more time together, cuz I miss you."


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Lot's of men are problem solvers, and it frustrates them when they can't find a way to fix it.
> Trick is to talk to him without making him feel your laying a problem on him to fix.
> 
> Maybe something like "Let's both think on what we could do to get more time together, cuz I miss you."


I like this idea.

Do you think in your own view, that it's a biological thing, that men are problem solvers (by nature) or is it a social construct type of thing? (maybe both?)


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I like this idea.
> 
> Do you think in your own view, that it's a biological thing, that men are problem solvers (by nature) or is it a social construct type of thing? (maybe both?)


I think it's by God's design. The whole alpha/beta thing throws a twist in it too. However, I would do anything to make my wife happy, not because I am needy, but rather, I love her dearly and want her to be happy. Anything that concerns her, concerns me. Which is why it will be tricky for OP to discuss with her H without it sounding like a complaint.

Problem solving is survival instinct. Example being this - I live in part of country that sees -20F up to several weeks at a time. I taught my kids how to change a tire on their cars. I also taught them to keep sleeping bags, food in car. Even if the cell phone works, might not be possible for someone to get to them. I worked hard to teach them to think and have several options thought out for different problems.

It drives my wife nuts when something won't work for her, I walk up & get it going with just a few adjustments. She will ask "How did you know". Sometimes I have to shrug my shoulders & say "I just did" When I try show her what to do, she just says "Make it work, I don't care"

Not all men have it. I have a relative that has several college degrees, but if he had a flat tire out in the boonies, he would die there.

He could have the instruction manual, jack, wrenches & a 800 hotline to call for instructions, he'd still be dead meat.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

I really think it's the sleeping patterns. I'm so used to falling asleep with him. When now I have to take sleeping pills just to fall asleep because it's bright outside plus not having that extra body there. Was having our six year in the bed with me but that became a problem because she wanted to do it every night even the ones where I had the next day off. And now we can't even text each other when he is at work. So now I feel even more disconnected.

But here's an update, I may be able to work a different shift. Where I go in at 6 till 2:30. Than when he gets home after 11 I can see him and goto bed with him. Just won't be able to see him during the day but we will still be able to take our daughter to school and pick her up. So hopefully that will work.

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Where I live, day care centers have vans, and you drop your kid off in the morning and they drive the kids to the schools, and then they pick them up in the afternoon and bring them back to the day care center until you get off work.


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## cj2011 (Aug 4, 2017)

turnera said:


> Where I live, day care centers have vans, and you drop your kid off in the morning and they drive the kids to the schools, and then they pick them up in the afternoon and bring them back to the day care center until you get off work.


Oh really? Is that in the states?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes. It's the standard here. Maybe there's some entrepreneur where you are doing it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ya lots of daycares or out of school care will take them to and from school. There are also sahm who offer picking up kids at daycare and taking them to school and back for a small fee or swapping services you may be able to provide. Local fb group would be a good start to ask. 

Here you can also get the school bus to pick up and drop off at the daycare so that's what I did.


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