# Self Esteem / Body Issues?



## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Okay, so I realise this is only my second post. I have learned so much from just reading here, that I haven't had to post anything, until now when I realised I could use some advice......

Throughout my whole life I have been so self-conscious of my body. Not to the extent that it necessarily inhibits anything - I will make love with the lights on, walk around naked, sure, but I hate the way I look. HATE it. I'm not "overweight" - my BMI is 22, I work out, eat right, but I can't get past this loathing in my head. The men I have been with tell me they love my body but the voice in my head thinks they're just being kind, because I don't believe what they're saying (because I don't love my body).

I know this is probably a common thing for women, which is why I posted it here. Any advice to accept the way I am and deal with it? How do I learn to love my body the way it is? How do we (women) become comfortable with the way we look? :scratchhead:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Who made you feel this way? Where does this come from? Do you know?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

For marriage purposes, recognize that men tend to like nakedness and women's bodies. 

It's not just you. Picking up a woman's magazine, it was amazing how harsh the articles are ticking about figure flaws and problems, and it seemed no matter what you were - tall, short, etc, it was a problem that needed to be addressed.


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Hmmmmm. Good question.

* My mother was a child model who has self-esteem issues of her own.
* An early boyfriend told me I had "child-bearing hips" 
* I grew up thinking thin was good 

Who knows? Aren't we conditioned through social media to think thin is good, fat is bad? I remember a cereal commercial when I was younger admonishing "If you can pinch an inch" (Special K). Really? An inch?? :nono:

I would honestly be surprised if most women don't feel the same as I do. And I hope I am wrong, because that will give me hope


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Op - when you see yourself in the mirror...what do you do?
Scowl or smile?

Try to give yourself a big smile every time you see your reflection.

As for the internal chatter.... YOU control that. No-one else!

Try to make it a rule ... no talking yourself down. Shut down all negative thoughts, they can become habitual.

Make positive sweet talk your habit... smile at the mirror, give yourself a wink and talk to yourself as you would a dear friend...with kindness and caring.

It takes about 3 weeks to make a new habit maybe you could put a small sticker on all the house/car mirrors, when you see the sticker it reminds you to smile at yourself and also reminds you of your new goal/habit.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Op, go over to that thread about the kind of women men like, and see how many had "thick" in their description. Quite a few! So if that's your concern, you should know that it is NOT a bad thing.

I don't mean to be TMI but my tall, lean and fit H (who LOVES thickness - and I'm thick, not fat, but thick) says that when making love soft skin and smooth thickness just feels good! 

So if that your issue just know there is plenty men who LOVE it.


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

My first thought when I read your post was.... when I see myself naked in the mirror, I pinch my hips, think "okay, an inch off each side, make it a smooth line all the way down, THEN I'll look good". It's ridiculous. I know it is. Because then it would be something else. Cellulite. Stretch marks. Hell, I'd probably make something up. 

Love your ideas. I am going to start tomorrow. I know loving myself better will make for a better life all round.

Thanks


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

But you are thin???

There are sites that let you see real pictures of woman at various heights and weights. Might want to check it out to see what "fat" really is.

What do you think when you see a full length picture of yourself?


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

"Thick"? What does that mean? I'll look for the post


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Porcupine said:


> "Thick"? What does that mean? I'll look for the post


Thick means you got some meat on your bones, honey! On hips, breasts, and legs, but flat tummy. Think voluptuous.

But Mavash says your BMI is thin anyway. I don't know what mine is, but the only thing I had in common with someone thin was torso and flat tummy (before this baby bump).


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Mavash - I don't see the good bits. I see the lumps. I know, it's an issue. I'm not thin!! I'm 5'7" and 142lbs. Not thin by any means. And honestly I know it's a mental issue. I see pictures of bigger women and I think they are stunning. 

I guess I was just wondering whether other women feel this way? Is it just me?


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

I've had weight fluctuation my whole life. I'm currently in the best shape (post baby) of my entire life. I'm happy with my BMI at 21 despite my H saying he is not attractive to me and is leaving after our ill daughter passes. 

Someone once said to me (here's my perfectionism kicking in) you will learn to love the flaws as part of an overall beauty. They are right. I love me, well parts of me- the parts I don't like I can accept or work to change. Some I have to accept as they can't be changed. 

I think a little self pampering goes a long way into the feel good aspect of yourself. What makes you- make you feel good? Pedicure? A new spring outfit? A crush on a new pair of running shoes? Even an at home mud mask?

Live. Smile. Recycle the negativity and ridiculous thoughts. Be kind to yourself


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Oh Motherofone..... I am sorry to hear your story.  

I am normally a very confident woman. In everything else, I am powerful, self-assured. It's this darned "appearance" crap. No - it's the getting undressed and naked and having someone else judge me when I am completely bare. Hmmmmm. Wow :scratchhead:


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Porcupine- I am very much like you..a confident, happy, self-assured woman. That is, until my disguise (clothing) comes off. Then, I am unhappy and worse, not always lovable.

My disdain at how I look projects onto my husband & can make things tough on him and us at times. Although he's always attracted to me..I too always find it hard to believe..I don't deny his compliments though, I just don't internalize them.

Luckily, I have been able to overcome a lot of this by simply thinking over and over- "who gives a f**k!"
Haha- seriously...I am small too- 111 lbs & pretty fit, but this post baby body just isn't the same at all & it's been a long, long struggle for me.

I think because I'm thin, people think I'm nuts to be even remotely unhappy with myself but they don't see me naked! : O It's a whole new ball game then...
But really, I wonder the same thing, how to overcome the rough thoughts that run through my head, it's brutal sometimes.
Just because a person is small, doesn't make them exempt from having those same exact issues.

Saying "F**k it," has definitely helped me get more comfortable with what is- I kind of put the bad thoughts out of my head at that point & move on, focusing on how soft my skin is or something else that makes me happy...I fall backward a lot though especially if I'm PMSing. Even still, nothing I say or do stops my husband from wanting me which always helps: )

You are probably waaaay more beautiful than you give yourself credit for...enjoy yourself & all the wonderful ways your amazing body allows you to experience life! ( :
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you, Karma*girl. Honestly, I am sure lots of us feel this way. 111lbs!!! Really? Here I am saying "are you kidding me???" and yet I know there's that voice in your head...... I hear you.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

You're welcome..and you're definitely not alone! 
111 lbs. is small, yes, but that includes deflated little boobs, stretch marked tummy & extra skin that I do not need!
But, oh well, "who really gives a f**k anyway!"   
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear about your self image issues. I think having a mother who was a child model couldn't have helped. When my girls were young I was concerned about their own self images. I got a book called Reviving Ophelia. It's actually about helping teenage girls and their self image, but I think it might help you since this is probably rooted in your teen years. It talks about girls "coming of age in a media-saturated culture preoccupied with unrealistic ideals of beauty and images". Most libraries have it.

It reminds me of how Cindy Crawford once commented that even she didn't look that good - in reference to a picture of herself on the cover of a magazine!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I have the most beautiful wife in the world (sorry ladies) but she doesnt think she is pretty or she thinks.she is fat. She doesnt believe me when I tell.her how pretty she is. Everyone comments on how prefty she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

You gotta love yourselves ladies!! Women's bodies are beautiful in every shape and size. And men love naked women, and are far less critical than you yourselves are. YOU are your own worst enemy in the mirror, no one else notices the things you hate so much about yourself. Your husband looks at you as a package deal, the woman he loves with all the traits that attracted him in a beautiful body. He isn't focused on stretch marks and cellullite. Because *everyone* has them. Every single person on the planet has a pimple on their a$$, scars, sagging skin, wrinkles, birthmarks, stray hairs, moles, cellulite...*something* that they don't like. And it's been my experience that it's the thinnest, fittest, women who hate on themselves the most. I have a few theories about that, but won't go into them now...

I am 5'3 and a size 9/10. I could stand to lose 15 to 20 lbs but I'm not too worried about it. I think I look good!! I'm curvy in all the right places, I've got a great rack and nice firm butt that hubs loves to grab. I have a classic hourglass figure and I love it. There are a few things I'd like to change...I don't like my hairline and my upper arms won't tone no matter what...but I'm pretty content with what I've got.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

I'm dealing with the same issues. My self esteem is extremely low and I don't like how I look. Being bullied from age 5 - 19 caused this.
I've been through therapy before and I need it now again, as it keeps messing up my life. It's very hard to be in a relationship, not being self confident and able to trust my boyfriend in that he likes how I look.
Also the media have a huge influence on me, I compare myself to all those pretty women in it.
Did you get help for this? 
Big hug from another insecure woman


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hopefully, as we age, we start to care a little less about what we *look* like, and more about how we feel. 

Loving your body, however it is, right now, is all part and parcel of loving yourself as a human being, with all your inner and outer idiosyncrasies.

Sure, if you really want to lose a few pounds because you're feeling sluggish, do it. Get healthier and more active. But being stick thin and taking this to an extreme is no route to happiness. I never buy womens' magazines - they are an instant *insecurity* builder.

I had bulimia for 14 years and a severely distorted view of not only my body, but who I was. As a dancer from a young age, being thin and pretty I later worked out was what I thought the only validation for being loved or worthy - how wrong was I?

At one point I was severely underweight, - this can affect your kidneys, hair, teeth, bones, monthly cycle, entire body - physically, emotionally, psychologically.

I realized later that a massive lack of nutrients / food = loss of vitality, sense of humour, joy of life. Denying oneself for what? for whom?

Your body is a form to be celebrated, grateful for, cared for. Whatever size or shape you are.

You also have the choice to work out a healthy, and realistic goal to work towards in regards to diet/nutrition/exercise.

When we take care of our bodies and nurture ourselves, we are then better able to nurture those around us. 

I found yoga gave me acceptance, peace, and patience to be who I was - no I'm not some hippy, tofu eating nut job. I love curries, chocolate, fizzy wine, laughter  regular things.

If you spend your life hating your body, do you want to look back when you're 80 and wonder how better you could have spent that time?

We are not defined by what we look like, but who we are, and choose to be.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm 5'7 and I was trying to get bariatric surgery and your weight was my goal. 
You are at your ideal weight. 
Most likely you aren't thinking you are too fat, you are thinking that because you don't look like a teeny ballerina who is about to blow away you aren't attractive. That's not true. 
You are thin, you most likely have a curvey frame. Child bearing hips can be a compliment or an insult. At 41 I would take it as a compliment because damn right, that's what women are built to do. And guess what, men are hard wired to be attracted to women who look like they would produce healthy babies. 

Do you hate the way your body looks or just hate your body? Those are two different things. Often we hate out bodies for making us vulnerable, for attracting the wrong attention, for being sick or injured, for getting abused, for not doing exactly what we want and having a mind of its own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrustratedHub (Oct 28, 2011)

Porcupine said:


> Mavash - I don't see the good bits. I see the lumps. I know, it's an issue. I'm not thin!! I'm 5'7" and 142lbs. Not thin by any means. And honestly I know it's a mental issue. I see pictures of bigger women and I think they are stunning.
> 
> I guess I was just wondering whether other women feel this way? Is it just me?


5"7 142 Lbs is FINE!

My wife is around 5'6"-5'7", and probably weighs around 155-160 pounds. Sure, she probably could lose a few pounds, but by no means is fat. She also has "child bearing hips', and is a natural 36DD to DDD (depending on the bra).

I'm in love with her and her body. She is absolutely gorgeous to me. Anyhow, your height and weight proportion made me think of my wife. As it stands, you are taller than her by an inch or two, and weigh probably 10-15 pounds less, so no way would I consider you to be heavy. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder for sure, but I really don't find the gym rat girl all that attractive, the ones that have like no body fat, and muscles all over the place. I much prefer feminine curves on women. But as I said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, different strokes (no pun intended ) for different folks.

You are right though to ask about it and address is, because body self esteem issues (especially when the men love your body) become a drag real quick.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> You gotta love yourselves ladies!! Women's bodies are beautiful in every shape and size. And men love naked women, and are far less critical than you yourselves are. YOU are your own worst enemy in the mirror, no one else notices the things you hate so much about yourself. Your husband looks at you as a package deal, the woman he loves with all the traits that attracted him in a beautiful body. He isn't focused on stretch marks and cellullite. Because *everyone* has them. Every single person on the planet has a pimple on their a$$, scars, sagging skin, wrinkles, birthmarks, stray hairs, moles, cellulite...*something* that they don't like. And it's been my experience that it's the thinnest, fittest, women who hate on themselves the most. I have a few theories about that, but won't go into them now...
> 
> I am 5'3 and a size 9/10. I could stand to lose 15 to 20 lbs but I'm not too worried about it. I think I look good!! I'm curvy in all the right places, I've got a great rack and nice firm butt that hubs loves to grab. I have a classic hourglass figure and I love it. There are a few things I'd like to change...I don't like my hairline and my upper arms won't tone no matter what...but I'm pretty content with what I've got.


Great post Lady. As much as I tell my wife I don't see what she sees, she doesn't believe a word I say.
After two kids in two years her body I feel is better than it was before the kids. She is 5'8 and goes between 130-140 pounds.
She looks great in clothes and naked!!! Nothing I say and do convinces her otherwise. Now she wants a boob job. Thinks that will fix everything. She doesn't understand that these feelings will still be there even with new boobs. It reeks havoc on my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks for all the great replies! I know hating how my body looks (not hating my body) is shallow and a waste of energy. And I know it's a mixture of social pressure and insecurity. I also figured growing up that the best way to get love was to be pretty and "desired" (wrong!!!!!! ) 

It's also interesting to know that men don't see us the way some of us see ourselves. I had always heard that, but I guess didn't really believe it. We are, indeed, our own worst critics. 

A big hug to everyone struggling with the same issues


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

Porcupine said:


> * An early boyfriend told me I had "child-bearing hips"


This is a COMPLIMENT! Having wider hips that mean you can more likely bear children without problems is attractive to men 

LISTEN to everyone who says something nice about your looks. Take what they say with you when you go to look in the mirror, and try to see it their way. I have a lot of body issues as well, but I always tell my husband which one is troubling me, and he reminds me that he has to go everywhere with me, because guys hit on me until I'm uncomfortable constantly when he doesn't.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I have this issue also. If I undress and stand in front of a mirror, it brings me to tears EVERY time no matter my weight, fitness level, etc. 

When I was in my late teens, early 20's, I weighed 95 - 105 lbs. For my frame (large hips/chest), it was grossly underweight but I still thought I was fat and ugly.

I'm learning to see myself through my husband's eyes. When I am in front of him, regardless of what I am wearing (or not wearing!), he sees me as beautiful.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Porcupine said:


> I'm 5'7" and 142lbs. Not thin by any means.


So what weight is thin to you?


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Good question, Mavash. My weight is "normal" I guess. So I guess anything below 120lbs for my height? :scratchhead:

It's not so much about the number though. Like TSCRedhead, it's what I see. It's as though my brain looks through a fog. I just know I look in the mirror and definitely don't see "thin"!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Porcupine said:


> Good question, Mavash. My weight is "normal" I guess. So I guess anything below 120lbs for my height? :scratchhead:


Do you know what size your frame is? May have to google it. It's based on your wrist size.


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Do you know what size your frame is? May have to google it. It's based on your wrist size.


Mavash!!! LOL that didn't help! Now I'm OVERweight! 

I have skinny wrists and ankles but I'm a mesomorph - big strong thighs, strong shoulders, nice soft layer of fat over my thighs lol......

Seriously, I know I should be happy for my strength - no, I AM happy for my strength. This is really shallow and superficial, I know. It doesn't rule my life (believe it or not), I was just curious how other women deal with their "naked-and-loving-it" bodies.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Have you considered changing your body to something you could love? And I mean diet and exercise.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Porcupine, you might actually be my college roommate, I'm not sure.  

My (brief) story and my thoughts on self esteem:

By age 11, I was 5'9. But age 13 I hit 6 feet (and yep, I'm a woman). I was tall, large-framed, heavy set and odd-looking (my mom insisted on cutting my hair till I was like 14), add in some seriously thick lensed glasses and yep...I was an absolute treat! 
BUT...in my household, it was never about how you looked...it was all about WHO you are. So, I was always encouraged to be involved in after school stuff, have part time jobs, be in school plays, you name it. I think confidence definitely starts at childhood. 

I am (obviously) still 6 feet tall, a statuesque size 16 and while I, too, want to lose weight, get rid of this gut, etc. none of it has any bearing on who I am. On top of that, I have gorgeous blue eyes, natural blond hair and some super pouty lips. I see the good and the bad. 

My college roommate (still one of my best friends) had a similar upbringing to yours. Her mom is RAIL thin and was harped on, literally her entire life, that she could always been thinner. This has wreacked absolute havoc on her life, emotional/mental health, relationships, etc. She's just got it out of her head that the way she looks is WRONG and she has never accepted how she looks (by the way, she's beautiful...if she was hideous, well, then, that would be a worse problem.)  But...your first step...accept YOU...good and bad, flaws and faults, strengths and weaknesses...just accept it. 
You're awesome, beautiful, strong, powerful...and that all equals AMAZING!!!

In my life, people have said some ABSURDLY cruel things to me (I'm talking complete strangers...As a server in college, a table of teen boys once left me an $8 tip with a picture of a treadmill and a note that read "Lose some weight you fat b***. Use your tip to buy a treadmill, here's what one looks like, since you've probably never seen it.") but my initial reaction to that note? "Why did they call me a b*tch? They don't even know me!!!" I've been ridiculed for my weight too many times to name, but to be honest, despite being admittedly overweight, I am proportionate, have a fantastic a** and all those people who took time out to criticize my appearance just puzzled me. They saw a problem whereas I did not. 

You asked "Any advice to accept the way I am and deal with it? How do I learn to love my body the way it is? How do we (women) become comfortable with the way we look?"

Just start with the good, and accept the bad. Not a single one of us are, or ever will be, anywhere close to perfect. Sure, magazines/TV/media/models/porn tell us we're supposed to look a certain way, but ya know what? f*** all them. We are who we are!! Think about aaaaaallllll the good things, not just about how you look, but WHO you are! Inner and outer beauty tend to meld together after awhile.

And here's a controversial thought: quit caring what people think. Honestly, why do we care what we look like if not for the stares of other people? Who are we trying to look perfect for? Is it really for us? Maybe so, but I don't think it is. 

And finally...treat yo'self!! Whomever mentioned pampering, yep, dead on the money. I don't know a single woman who's ever said "Ew, a mani pedi? gross!" or "No, I do NOT want a massage!" Doing nice stuff for yourself just feels good, and your mood will jump up there too.

Actually one more...if you REALLY wanna feel good about yourself, go hang out and people-watch at a Chinese buffet for a couple hours. Guarantee you'll leave with esteem through the roof!


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Who made you feel this way? Where does this come from? Do you know?


I have esteem issues as well, and this hits the nail on the head, when I was in grade school I was really skinny.. got called pencil, chicken legs and such, then when I was in my 20's and with my ex I had our first child, and I was at 97 pounds afterwards, we are in a bar one night and one of his friends told him how "Hot" I was.. his comment was "well you have not seen her naked", for some reason that has stuck with me all these years and has made me very self conscious of my weight.. People should be careful what they say, because it can affect people more than they know!


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