# emotional affair



## amanda50 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm married. Together for 20 yrs, married for 3, no kids. I suffer and am being treated for manic depression

I was very depressed at one point and a rather shy quiet guy started being extremely helpful and considerate to me at work. He asked me to help him on 2 projects and we worked so well together. Work got interesting again and my depression lifted.

We spoke at a works party and we really got on well socially too. I went back to his house, slept in his bed but we just cuddled. 

I told my husband and he was angry but brushed it all under the carpet and it was all forgotten and life went on as though nothing happened. All our problems are like that. I always want to talk but he doesn't.

I started marriage counselling. My husband does not want to talk and go with me. The counsellor summed up our session and said that me and my husband seem to be just good friends, but marriage is more than just friendship, I'm not receiving any emotional support and probably havent for a long time. She can see how this other relationship is occurring.

The other guy and I continued to see each other. He asked to have a chat with me and said that he would like to be friends and continue to go out. He said that he would like to be with me but I'm married ! I commend him for wanting a chat about us. I'm not getting the same from my marriage.

My husband says that there is nothing wrong with our marriage. He just gets annoyed and i cannot get through to him. He wants me to break ties with the other guy. I will not. 

I am receiving emotional support that is lacking from my marriage, the other guy is becoming a good friend that i so need, (i have friends but my best friends i dont see as much as i would like..) he is considerate and thoughtful to me and is making me feel good about myself again and desirable. I can see myself going back into depression if i break ties with him. There is more to life than having someone but i just need a stress trigger and depression happens.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You are confused. You are not describing an emotional affair. You have shared a bed already. I do not believe you that you have not been intimate physically in some fashion.

You need to stop this affair -- now. You are destroying whatev er chance you have to salvage your marriage.

You are being selfish and disrespectful of your marriage vows.

Clearly, you and your husband have problems to work through. 

BTW, your marriage counselor may or may be correct about the state of your relationship with your husband. However, this new guy? whaty kind of man is ok with intruding on another man's marriage?

Think long and hard about what you are doing.

It needs to stop.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Ask yourself

Do I love my husband?

or do I love this other guy?

find your answer...

If it's the other guy, since you have no kids, maybe you and hubby should seperate and see what happens.

It's your life, what do you wnat to do with it.

I always heard, if your not happy, go find happy.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If you wish to improve your marriage the relationship with TOM must stop. It will only further distance yourself from your husband. Try to keep communicating with your husband. He does have issues but they can improve with time. In order to give him a fair shot to improve you must break ties with TOM.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I agree with all the above. Pick one road or another but it isn't fair to your husband what you are doing to him.

draconis


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## SEH (Mar 2, 2009)

I also agree with everything being said here. If you want to save your marriage you first need to end up the relationship with this other man. Think about what your love about your husband and why you fell in love with him.


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

WRONG!! It is cheating. The physical part just has not happened yet, but you will both subcome to it.


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## Shayla35 (Feb 21, 2009)

You can't work on improving your marriage while having an emotional affair with someone else.

Obviously your marriage needs help, but its hard for marriage counseling to work when both people in the marriage aren't attending and both people aren't willing to make changes and sacrifices to make things work.

Encourage your husband to try counseling with you...remind him your trying to save your marriage. But if he refuses...you can't make him go - and I feel this speaks to how he feels about the relationship too.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So let me understand. You went to the counselor, without your husband. You told the counselor about your feelings for your husband and for the other man. And your counselor told you that basically you and your husband are just good friends. So you painted the picture you wanted your counselor to see. And she told you what you wanted to hear, that you're justified in cheating on your husband. What's the problem? I wonder if your husband feels the way he does about your marriage, because he gets to see and deal with your depressed side and the POSOM you're seeing gets to deal with your happy side. The POSOM gets your love. Your husband gets the crap left over. Again, what is the problem? You already got the OK from your counselor to cheat on your husband. I am married to someone who suffers from depression. So I have experienced the standing at the end of the bed, wondering what I can do to make my wife feel better, while she cries in bed every other weekend. I lived through 10 years of that (married for 29). You had options. You didn't have to start this relationship with this man that drains all the love for your husband. *BUT YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT. YOU CHOOSE TO CHEAT. AND YOU CHOOSE NOT TO STOP.*

I don't understand why you posted here? You give nothing but excuses. You have stated that you won't stop. You're an unrepentant adulterer, and if your husband doesn't divorce you, I feel sorry for what his future holds with you. Now go and have fun with the other guy. Its what you're gonna do no matter what anybody here says.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

You have to pick one guy and go with it.

If you love your husband you have to stop seeing the other guy completely and work on your marriage.

If you want the other guy, leave your husband and go with the other guy.

You should NOT continue to be married and see the other guy.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I too, am in a marriage with a man who suffers from depression. At one point, he did just what you are doing to your husband. He ran, rather than deal with problems he thought were insurmountable because of his depression. He went to therapy, and we have been working it out. Yes, it has its hard points, but its worth it. 
What you are doing to your husband is not only unfair but downright cruel. Your depressive state does NOT give you license to leave him with the worst of you while you find bliss with the OM, who most likely has NEVER seen the side of you that your H has. It is SO hard to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression....and sometimes, being in the relationship requiires you to harden yourself a little bit to the emotions of the other person. I had to learn that the hard way, because until I did, i felt like I was the cause for every mood swing he had. 
You, my dear, are being selfish. HOW can a marriage counselor make an adeuate assessment of your marriage with only YOUR input? And now, because of a skewed perception on her part, you feel validated and justified in maintaining your relationship with the OM. If you are truly this insensitive, then do your H a favor,and cut him loose, so he can find someone who is interested in being his partner. I would bet my HOUSE on the fact that once free, and in a bona-fide relationship with the OM, the same issues will work their way into the relationship and maybe then you will see that you are the root of the problem to start with.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya dont do that to him make up your mind on what you want. Its really not fair your either in it or out same with your H dont DONT play with his emotions.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Amanda,
I wish you get back and check your thread, cause everyone's giving great advices for you. And I totally agree with them, pick one and think of your future with him and be happy. 
If you love still your husband, then end your relationship with the other guy.. and try to work out communication in your marriage.



amanda50 said:


> The counsellor summed up our session and said that me and my husband seem to be just good friends, but marriage is more than just friendship, I'm not receiving any emotional support and probably havent for a long time. She can see how this other relationship is occurring.


If you and your husband are good friends, then how could your marriage won't work out? IMO, being friends in a relationship helps, cause you both consider each others feelings, and you have known each other for long years.. 

But if you don't want to end your relationship with the other guy.. then I think you should end your marriage, you're just hurting your husband.. and yourself.


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## Free2beme (Feb 23, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> So let me understand. You went to the counselor, without your husband. You told the counselor about your feelings for your husband and for the other man. And your counselor told you that basically you and your husband are just good friends. So you painted the picture you wanted your counselor to see. And she told you what you wanted to hear, that you're justified in cheating on your husband. What's the problem? I wonder if your husband feels the way he does about your marriage, because he gets to see and deal with your depressed side and the POSOM you're seeing gets to deal with your happy side. The POSOM gets your love. Your husband gets the crap left over. Again, what is the problem? You already got the OK from your counselor to cheat on your husband. I am married to someone who suffers from depression. So I have experienced the standing at the end of the bed, wondering what I can do to make my wife feel better, while she cries in bed every other weekend. I lived through 10 years of that (married for 29). You had options. You didn't have to start this relationship with this man that drains all the love for your husband. *BUT YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT. YOU CHOOSE TO CHEAT. AND YOU CHOOSE NOT TO STOP.*
> 
> I don't understand why you posted here? You give nothing but excuses. You have stated that you won't stop. You're an unrepentant adulterer, and if your husband doesn't divorce you, I feel sorry for what his future holds with you. Now go and have fun with the other guy. Its what you're gonna do no matter what anybody here says.


:iagree:

You hit the nail on the head! 

Too often people forget that TOP seems so much better than their spouse but they aren't sharing life and it's ups and downs with this perosn!! It's easy to get along and be happy with someone when you spend a short amount of time together and have none of worries of life between the two of you.

To the threat starter, it's simple, either work it out or leave.


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## nec (Apr 15, 2013)

amanda stop seeing the other guy it will destry your marriage...my wife has done to me what your doing to your husband.......trust me you are crushing him....my guess is your husband has held your back when you had morning sickness, driven you to hospital, dr appointments, defended you, held your hand when you were sad or hurt....then comes along a guy at work who says stuff like "if you were mine id treat you so good" all the while your husbands working paying bills, helping with house etc etc and all the om is doing is talk.....your husband is doing the real work......wake up amanda


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

4 year old thread.....


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

nec said:


> amanda stop seeing the other guy it will destry your marriage...my wife has done to me what your doing to your husband.......trust me you are crushing him....my guess is your husband has held your back when you had morning sickness, driven you to hospital, dr appointments, defended you, held your hand when you were sad or hurt....then comes along a guy at work who says stuff like "if you were mine id treat you so good" all the while your husbands working paying bills, helping with house etc etc and all the om is doing is talk.....your husband is doing the real work......wake up amanda


:iagree:

I worked all the time to provide for my wife and family. To give them everything I could, take the kids to practice, pay for things my wife wanted etc... Some guy comes along and says 'Gosh, your pretty' and BAM 15 years down the drain.

The guy at work is hitting on a married woman. He doesn't have to do the hard work... the taking care of you when you are down, paying the bills while you recuperate... 

You are being EXTREMELY selfish. If you want your husband to show you love, make sure you show him respect! I know you are crushing him now and I'm pretty sure he doesn't deserve it! You are in a 'me me me me' state saying how your life is so bad...

Your MC is a QUACK! You painted her a rosy picture of why it's ok to cheat and a lot of them are just full of crap! When a child misbehaves, you tell them they are misbehaving because what they are doing is NOT right nor is it ok. You want validation that what you are doing is OK. It's not. People who say choose between the two are full of crap here.

You are married. You already chose. You chose your husband. Either fix your marriage or move on. You should be working on your marriage now, not having an affair with a guy at work. Your husband loves you and maybe he can't express it but I know you hurt him deeply. He is trying to take care of you probably the best he can. He may be too embarrassed to go to MC, but if I had to see that counselor you are lying to I'd want to just stick a screwdriver in my brain!

You can work on your marriage w/o a counselor. Have a date night. Tell him you need to be held. Cuddle up to him and watch a movie.

You already chose who you vowed to be with. You can pretend that you have a choice now but you don't. If you go with the other man, well then that's just disgusting. You go with the other man and rest assured you will be responsible for destroying the man you married and who has been there for you over the years. Talk to him. Don't let some stupid MC do it for you. Step up!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Amanda---why did it take you and your H---SEVENTEEN YEARS to finally take vows

Was there pressure to marry----what was the reason, and WHY did your H really marry you

The normal spouse who has been cheated on does not react the way your H, is reacting

If you wanna have something with this lover of yours, this nice shy quiet guy, who cons married women into his bed---then D YOUR H-----and then, and only then, resume your relationship with your nice quiet shy guy, who steals women from their H.

Also you might wanna read the J VALLEY thread.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Night of the Living Thread! 2009


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