# Frustrated and trying to find an answer



## JFitz06 (Apr 12, 2015)

Hi everyone I am new to the forum I don't really know why im on here maybe its my bubbling frustration maybe im looking for advice or support or just to find out if im alone in my situation or if there truly is a solution to try and fix my marriage. Well to start off im 27 and my wife is 29 we have been together for 9 years and we have been married for 6 years. We have a 5 and a half year old son and a 2 and a half year daughter. So when our relationship started our sex life was amazing like 4 or 5 times a day amazing and then as the months went by it settled down to 2-3 times a week which was perfectly fine with me I was completely satisfied with that. Things changed when our son was born she view giving me attention as taking away attention from him and I dont mean just physical attention really any attention at all, so we went down to sex about once or twice a month and that was just because i would complain about it and she would just give it to me to shut me up. Mind you sex was just sex there was no foreplay no doing new things just one position(her on top) and 4 minutes in she would always say are you almost done im starting to hurt which would totally kill the mood and we would end up just stopping midway thru and fighting or worse just roll over and not talk for the next couple of days. It got even worse when our daughter was born but I have always stayed with her because I truly love her and other than her not giving me attention I love everything else about her. Well during this time I got resentful and just shut down so in December of 2013(a year and a half ago) she decided to leave me which I didn't understand at the time, but i realized that i wasn't the man or father that i wanted to be and because of me competing with my kids for my wife's attention I look at them as competition and not my children so I used the time that we were separated to become a better father and in turn a better man. As for my wife as soon as she kicked me out she started talk to multiple different guys online and ended up going on dates almost every time she didn't have the kids during this time I had the kids 3 days a week and she had them 4 days a week. It only took her 3 weeks to sleep with someone else and total she sleep with 2-4 people(she told me about 2 but Im pretty sure it was 4 or 5) and did "other" things with quite a few more during the next 3 months and mind you that it only took her 3 weeks after she kicked me out to have sex with someone else. During the same time we were apart I went on a few dates with one person only slept with that one person and it took me 5 months to sleep with her(not because I couldn't but because I wasn't ready to cross that line in hopes that me and my wife would get back together). Then she started exclusively dating this guy in February of 2014 and moved herself and my children in with him in a city about 45 mins away from our small town. Come to find out that he was a convicted felon and had a rap sheet for drugs and violence, so in June my wife realized that she was stupid and wanted to move back and work things out with us. She let me know this by coming down one night to talk it got late and she didn't want to spend the night at my house(the kids were at their grandparents so that we could talk) so I got her a hotel room, after we talked to her for a little bit in the hotel room we kissed and I tried to make a move for sex but she said that she couldn't because she hadn't broke up with the other guy yet(we were still married well legally separated at the time) and that wouldn't be "right". So she got everything square away with her ex boyfriend and she moved back in with me in July. Well come September I found out that she had been cheating on me with the ex boyfriend(dropping the kids off at my parents and saying she needed to run "errands") I knew something wasn't right the whole time she didn't act like my wife like from the second she kicked me out like a switch had flipped and she just changed. So I told her to decide weather it was gonna be me or him and she choose him so she moved back to the city with him. During the next month I had no contact with her whatsoever we didn't even she each other exchanging kids(from December to June before we moved back in with each other we would still talk or text daily and I would actively try to get her "back". Well in October she calls me up after not talking for over a month and says she wants to talk so she comes down and tells me she made a mistake and if I could ever forgive her. I could see that she was different she was my old wife back I recognized her again so I couldn't say no to her I loved her and she truly made me happy when things were good, well the next day she moved back with me. Over the next 3 months we had problems with ex boyfriend he was a stalker and abusive well we ended up getting a restraining order and that was that with him. Back to the sex life when she came back the second time in October we had sex 2-3 times a week and it was good it was passionate and I could tell she was really into it and we weren't just having sex we were making love and we were connecting on a deep level it was really nice. Well that lasted about a month and then it went down to once a week than once every other week then we started fighting again but instead of shutting down we would talk about it and it seemed like it would get better for a day or 2 and then it would go back to the same old once every 2 weeks this lasted till the beginning of march. So out of desperation I suggested we try something new a try to do an adult webcam show she was hesitant at first but after she tried it she like the attention and thought it was fun so we did a show almost every night for a week during our shows she would give me bj's(which I hadn't gotten in well over 2 years I dont mind bjs but I could live without them but thats not the point) and I could go down on her(something I wasn't allowed to do at all for the past 6 months and something that I loved to do) and we got to try new positions and everything, it was like I had died and gone to heaven. Well a week into it and I tried to have "foreplay" and try new things off camera and she said no so we got into a fight and then we agreed to stop doing the webcam for a little bit since then we haven't had sex in about a month. Granted during this time I tried to give her space so I wouldn't say anything at all about sex until it had been 2 weeks, we would get into a fight have sex once or twice over the next 2 or 3 days and then nothing for the next 2 weeks. Another thing that is kind of important is that I work 8-5 everyday and my wife was a stay at home mom which I really appreciated her for, so since we got back together the first time I would go to work then when I got home I would clean the house cook dinner and play with the kids so that she could have a break( and on nights I would try to get "lucky" i would give the kids a bath and put them to bed) so that she wouldn't be too tired or she wouldn't be stressed but nothing works. I am so frustrated I am very sexual person and I desperately want attention from my wife, sometimes I think I'm a sex addict but I don't want to have sex with anyone else, I just want to have sex with my wife, but I feel like I have tried everything and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for the really lengthy and kinda all over the place post but as you can tell I had a lot on my chest, but it actually feels good to get it out. Well any comments or suggestions would be really helpful, thanks for taking the time to read my story.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well I read your wall of text. (Please add paragraphs to you post... just add some white space in there that readers can read it much easier.)

The short story. Your sex life decreases after a 2 kids and a few years of marriage. Then you wife kicks you out and starts dating and sleeps with 2-5 men.

You two get legally separated.

Then she lives with some guy. Leaves the guy and moves back in with you for a while. Then she leaves again and goes back with the bf. Then after a few months she moves back in with you. Sex was good for a while and then it tapers off again.

So your solution to fix your sex life is to suggest webcam sex with your wife. At that point she only wanted to do webcam sex and no sex otherwise. She turns in to an exhibitionist basically.

Then you stop the webcam stuff and now there is little to no sex. She is a SAHM. You come home from work and clean, cook and take care of the kids.

You say that you work 8-5 every day. Does this mean that you work 7 days a week?

What on earth made you think that webcam sex exhibitionism would fix your marriage and your sex life??? That make no sense at all. this kind of thing usually destroys marriages.

I noticed a few things in your entire wall of text...

1) you mention that you realized that before the first time she left, that you were always in competition with your kids for your wife's attention. So you were not much of a father or husband.

2) Despite the fact that your marriage is obviously about as broken as a marriage can get, all you are worried about is the amount of sex you are getting.

Your marriage is broken.. if you fix the marriage the sex will fix itself.

IF you really want to have a good marriage, insist that your wife to go marriage counseling with you. And do not start it by focusing on the sex. Focus on the problems other than sex.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The two of you read them and do the work they say to do. This will help you both change in a way that meets each other's needs.


Fix the marriage relationship and the sex will fix itself.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Where is the trust and intimacy in your marriage? Without both, you don't really have a marriage. Not to be cruel, but does your wife actually like and respect you? I don't believe the frequency or quality of sex is your biggest problem.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Sorry...but no way am I even going to try reading such a wall of text. Hurts the eyes!

I know its the OP's first thread but if he/she could edit in some paragraphs etc so making it easier to read.
Thanks


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I could not bring myself to read your original post and was happy to find Elegirl gave us some "Cliff Notes" to help!

Sounds like if you were driving a car and even though you notice that all your tires are flat, that your primary complaint would be about getting poor gas mileage and asking how to make your car more efficient. 

While you can not replace the tires so to speak on a marriage when they get flat, you should on occasion replace/upgrade the house you live in so that you have better quality of life as your relationship cruises down the road. Odds are if you have kids, you probably need more space and room to grow. 

Other than that, I would suggest you study the ancient martial art solo sexual jiu jitsu so that you and your wife can have a moment to talk about things and not be distracted with images of your sword slicing all over her screen all the time. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## BronzeTorpedo (Dec 17, 2014)

Given that, after leaving you, your wife rapidly had sex with several other men and entered a relationship with a felon, I'm going to guess that your wife is turned on by bad boys (like them) and turned off by nice guys (like you).

Your choice is to either change your behavior to be more of a bad boy, in the hopes that your wife will become attracted to you, or accept that she isn't attracted to you and will almost certainly cheat on you (again) in the future.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

JFitz06 said:


> Hi everyone I am new to the forum I don't really know why im on here maybe its my bubbling frustration maybe im looking for advice or support or just to find out if im alone in my situation or if there truly is a solution to try and fix my marriage. Well to start off im 27 and my wife is 29 we have been together for 9 years and we have been married for 6 years. We have a 5 and a half year old son and a 2 and a half year daughter. So when our relationship started our sex life was amazing like 4 or 5 times a day amazing and then as the months went by it settled down to 2-3 times a week which was perfectly fine with me I was completely satisfied with that. Things changed when our son was born she view giving me attention as taking away attention from him and I dont mean just physical attention really any attention at all, so we went down to sex about once or twice a month and that was just because i would complain about it and she would just give it to me to shut me up. Mind you sex was just sex there was no foreplay no doing new things just one position(her on top) and 4 minutes in she would always say are you almost done im starting to hurt which would totally kill the mood and we would end up just stopping midway thru and fighting or worse just roll over and not talk for the next couple of days. It got even worse when our daughter was born but I have always stayed with her because I truly love her and other than her not giving me attention I love everything else about her. Well during this time I got resentful and just shut down so in December of 2013(a year and a half ago) she decided to leave me which I didn't understand at the time, but i realized that i wasn't the man or father that i wanted to be and because of me competing with my kids for my wife's attention I look at them as competition and not my children so I used the time that we were separated to become a better father and in turn a better man. As for my wife as soon as she kicked me out she started talk to multiple different guys online and ended up going on dates almost every time she didn't have the kids during this time I had the kids 3 days a week and she had them 4 days a week. It only took her 3 weeks to sleep with someone else and total she sleep with 2-4 people(she told me about 2 but Im pretty sure it was 4 or 5) and did "other" things with quite a few more during the next 3 months and mind you that it only took her 3 weeks after she kicked me out to have sex with someone else. During the same time we were apart I went on a few dates with one person only slept with that one person and it took me 5 months to sleep with her(not because I couldn't but because I wasn't ready to cross that line in hopes that me and my wife would get back together). Then she started exclusively dating this guy in February of 2014 and moved herself and my children in with him in a city about 45 mins away from our small town. Come to find out that he was a convicted felon and had a rap sheet for drugs and violence, so in June my wife realized that she was stupid and wanted to move back and work things out with us. She let me know this by coming down one night to talk it got late and she didn't want to spend the night at my house(the kids were at their grandparents so that we could talk) so I got her a hotel room, after we talked to her for a little bit in the hotel room we kissed and I tried to make a move for sex but she said that she couldn't because she hadn't broke up with the other guy yet(we were still married well legally separated at the time) and that wouldn't be "right". So she got everything square away with her ex boyfriend and she moved back in with me in July. Well come September I found out that she had been cheating on me with the ex boyfriend(dropping the kids off at my parents and saying she needed to run "errands") I knew something wasn't right the whole time she didn't act like my wife like from the second she kicked me out like a switch had flipped and she just changed. So I told her to decide weather it was gonna be me or him and she choose him so she moved back to the city with him. During the next month I had no contact with her whatsoever we didn't even she each other exchanging kids(from December to June before we moved back in with each other we would still talk or text daily and I would actively try to get her "back". Well in October she calls me up after not talking for over a month and says she wants to talk so she comes down and tells me she made a mistake and if I could ever forgive her. I could see that she was different she was my old wife back I recognized her again so I couldn't say no to her I loved her and she truly made me happy when things were good, well the next day she moved back with me. Over the next 3 months we had problems with ex boyfriend he was a stalker and abusive well we ended up getting a restraining order and that was that with him. Back to the sex life when she came back the second time in October we had sex 2-3 times a week and it was good it was passionate and I could tell she was really into it and we weren't just having sex we were making love and we were connecting on a deep level it was really nice. Well that lasted about a month and then it went down to once a week than once every other week then we started fighting again but instead of shutting down we would talk about it and it seemed like it would get better for a day or 2 and then it would go back to the same old once every 2 weeks this lasted till the beginning of march. So out of desperation I suggested we try something new a try to do an adult webcam show she was hesitant at first but after she tried it she like the attention and thought it was fun so we did a show almost every night for a week during our shows she would give me bj's(which I hadn't gotten in well over 2 years I dont mind bjs but I could live without them but thats not the point) and I could go down on her(something I wasn't allowed to do at all for the past 6 months and something that I loved to do) and we got to try new positions and everything, it was like I had died and gone to heaven. Well a week into it and I tried to have "foreplay" and try new things off camera and she said no so we got into a fight and then we agreed to stop doing the webcam for a little bit since then we haven't had sex in about a month. Granted during this time I tried to give her space so I wouldn't say anything at all about sex until it had been 2 weeks, we would get into a fight have sex once or twice over the next 2 or 3 days and then nothing for the next 2 weeks. Another thing that is kind of important is that I work 8-5 everyday and my wife was a stay at home mom which *I really appreciated her for, so since we got back together the first time I would go to work then when I got home I would clean the house cook dinner and play with the kids so that she could have a break( and on nights I would try to get "lucky" i would give the kids a bath and put them to bed) so that she wouldn't be too tired or she wouldn't be stressed but nothing works.* I am so frustrated I am very sexual person and *I desperately want attention from my wife,* sometimes I think I'm a sex addict but I don't want to have sex with anyone else, I just want to have sex with my wife, *but I feel like I have tried everything and I don't know what to do. * I'm sorry for the really lengthy and kinda all over the place post but as you can tell I had a lot on my chest, but it actually feels good to get it out. Well any comments or suggestions would be really helpful, thanks for taking the time to read my story.


Your doing it wrong. Being her housekeeper and babysitter is not going to make her attracted to you. 

It sounds like you have tried everything....except working on you and addressing your issues of competing with your children...I'm sure your wife sees this (if you haven't told her)....This means -you have set yourself up to be treated as a child. A needy child that wants sex. NOT ATTRACTIVE. 

Your problem is not lack of sex. It's attraction -or lack thereof. 

Read MMSL...just to get some insight into the dynamics you are missing....Once you've read it. Come back. 

In the mean time. Stop whining, complaining, coddling, *****ing, moaning or otherwise acting like a child.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

BronzeTorpedo said:


> Given that, after leaving you, your wife rapidly had sex with several other men and entered a relationship with a felon, I'm going to guess that your wife is turned on by bad boys (like them) and turned off by nice guys (like you).
> 
> Your choice is to either change your behavior to be more of a bad boy, in the hopes that your wife will become attracted to you, or accept that she isn't attracted to you and will almost certainly cheat on you (again) in the future.


Maybe he can rob a liquor store and become more attractive?


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## BronzeTorpedo (Dec 17, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> Maybe he can rob a liquor store and become more attractive?


Whatever works. His wife is more attracted to that kind of man than she is to one who works full time to provide for her, then comes home to do the housework so she won't have to tire herself out.

I wonder how much laundry Mr. Violent Felon did before getting into his wife's pants?


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