# Hey all. Im just confused



## drt09

Hi all. Im a 30 year old woman. And just started an account here just to vent and maybe get some advice. None of my close friends are even dating and my relatives are terrible with relationships. I didnt see a healthy male-female relationships until I went to college. Here's my story: 
My "husband" and I have been "married" for 3 years but I dont think he's serious about this. The reason I put parentheses around those words is because we're not legally married. We had the ceremony and everything but unfortunately officiate/aunt in law put the wrong date on our marriage certificate making our legal marriage null and void. That was 3 going on 4 years ago and he STILL doesn't want to go and get legally married. I want to have his last name and I told him before we got married that I want to be married before any babies come. He keeps saying "well I did my part i married you, its not my fault the license got messed up" His biological clock has been ticking for a while but I just turned 30 and now my clock has started. I want to start having children but I dont feel like I'm "completely" married. Im in limbo right now. We do everything a married couple is supposed to: we call each other husband and wife, we have life and health insurances in each other's names, we own a car together and want to buy a house but its just this nagging feeling that I'm not his legal wife. I feel like a fraud. His side knows we're not legally married but my entire side from my mother to my closest friends dont know. Im a liar.

I just dont understand why he won't sign a marriage license! What's so different about now than almost 4 years ago?! He knows that I want to have his last name before babies but instead of legally marrying me he's been threatening to just go and get another woman pregnant. He's desperate for a baby but I dont feel like I'm asking for much to be his legal wife.

I dont know what to do and I have no one to really talk to about this. Fellas why do you think he's chickening out? Ladies what should I do? I love him very much but my needs aren't being met. Thanks


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## minimalME

If it were me, I would pack and leave. Why be with someone who has to be convinced?

Seriously - hire a lawyer and learn about your options.

And if you choose to stay, please strongly reconsider having children with this person.


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## bobert

drt09 said:


> He knows that I want to have his last name before babies but instead of legally marrying me he's been threatening to just go and get another woman pregnant.


Wtf? Why are you tolerating that from him? 

You said the paperwork was filed "incorrectly", are you sure that was an accident?


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## Rooster2015

Move on...Most likely he wants it too but is to chicken to admit it.


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## drt09

minimalME said:


> If it were me, I would pack and leave. Why be with someone who has to be convinced?
> 
> Seriously - hire a lawyer and learn about your options.
> 
> And if you choose to stay, please strongly reconsider having children with this person.


I've been having silly thoughts that a lot of single mothers have thought. Ive been thinking about just having a baby and "seeing how things go"...I know it's foolishness but its crossed my mind. You're right


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## Diana7

If the date was wrong, what date did she put?Was it near to the actual date, and have you checked that it wasnt legal from the date she actually put?

Personally I would say to him that unless we legalise this relationship before the end of the year I am off. Also that there will be no baby unless it happens. You havent got too many years to mess about now, and you have waited nearly 4 years already. Surely it would be a pretty easy thing to do, just get the marriage legally confirmed?

I just read the part where you said he is threatening to go and get another woman pregnant when all he has to do is to get things legalised. Thats just appalling and must hurt very much. Sorry but I just wouldnt accept that.


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## drt09

bobert said:


> Wtf? Why are you tolerating that from him?
> 
> You said the paperwork was filed "incorrectly", are you sure that was an accident?


I act myself that question a lot. I tolerate because I love him very much. I know I can find another man that's the least of my problems, but I love him.
I would be shocked if it wasn't an accident. His family likes me A LOT and they were very happy when he proposed to me. His aunt is a bit ofna scatter brain and she was a new pastor at the time I think she did mess up.


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## bobert

drt09 said:


> I act myself that question a lot. I tolerate because I love him very much. I know I can find another man that's the least of my problems, but I love him.
> I would be shocked if it wasn't an accident. His family likes me A LOT and they were very happy when he proposed to me. His aunt is a bit ofna scatter brain and she was a new pastor at the time I think she did mess up.


What do you love about him? What makes the relationship worth keeping? Does he act like he loves you?


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## minimalME

The direction of your life is up to you. For better or for worse.

It's sometimes uncomfortable, but no one is going to save you from making the hard choices. And when we wait around to 'see how things go' (cause we're all guilty), what we're really doing is abdicating responsibility.



drt09 said:


> I've been having silly thoughts that a lot of single mothers have thought. Ive been thinking about just having a baby and "seeing how things go"...I know it's foolishness but its crossed my mind. You're right


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## drt09

Rooster2015 said:


> Move on...Most likely he wants it too but is to chicken to admit it.


 deep down thats kind of what I'm feeling. He claims he loves me but I dont know


Diana7 said:


> If the date was wrong, what date did she put?Was it near to the actual date, and have you checked that it wasnt legal from the date she actually put?
> 
> Personally I would say to him that unless we legalise this relationship I am off. You havent got many years to mess about now.


I never got to see what she wrote bc we signed it and got sweeped away from by our wedding party. We got a letter weeks later saying that she put a date "before the ceremony occured" and our license is null and void. 

I think at this point an ultimatum is needed. I just hope I have the strength to really walk away.


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## drt09

bobert said:


> What do you love about him? What makes the relationship worth keeping? Does he act like he loves you?


Thats a good question. I love that he's incredibly funny and has no problem being silly and laughing at himself. I lie the fact that he makes me feel safe and I can count on him to get things done(probably my daddy issues at work here, my father wasn't and still really isn't in my life). Also he's a hard worker...I feel like a gold digger sometimes but his income is nice where I dont have to work if I dont want to. I know what its like to struggle and now I don't want to go back to it.
And to be honest...I don't know. I dont know if he loves me or not. He says he does. He buys me things, he's constantly posting pics of me on his social media, we have sex regularly. But this issue and other stuff like my weight gain(he "jokingly calls me fat a lot) has been hanging over my head. So I dont know.


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## Openminded

Do not become financially dependent on him. That’s asking for trouble. He hasn’t corrected the problem because he doesn’t want to. Think about that for awhile. Love, on either side, doesn’t mean your relationship will work. The one major thing he needs to do isn’t getting done. That tells me you aren’t a priority. What does it tell you?


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## drt09

Openminded said:


> Do not become financially dependent on him. That’s asking for trouble. He hasn’t corrected the problem because he doesn’t want to. Think about that for awhile. Love, on either side, doesn’t mean your relationship will work. The one major thing he needs to do isn’t getting done. That tells me you aren’t a priority. What does it tell you?


He wanted me to be a stay at home wife. I tried it for 6 months but I just had this aching feeling that I need my own money. I just started a new job 2 months ago...he keeps telling me "you don't need to work" but to be honest I don't trust him enough for all that. Youre right. I have a lot to think about. I dont want to leave but then I do.


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## ah_sorandy

What is wrong with him? He committed to marry you once, and after finding out it was not legal, why is he not anxious to MAKE THINGS RIGHT?

If he really loved and wanted you to be HIS WIFE, he'd have stepped up to the plate and made it legal for you IMMEDIATELY!

Waiting 4 or more years to make things legal with you, leads me to believe that he felt he has dodged a bullet.

Seek the advice of a lawyer and don't get pregnant for him. This is not a great situation to bring kiddies into, especially if he already has one foot out of the door!

Calling you 'fat' is no joke! Real love doesn't see a little weight gain!

Find yourself a real man, THAT WILL marry you for who you are!

JMHO.


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## Hopeful Cynic

drt09 said:


> I just dont understand why he won't sign a marriage license! What's so different about now than almost 4 years ago?! He knows that I want to have his last name before babies but instead of legally marrying me he's been *threatening to just go and get another woman pregnant*. He's desperate for a baby but I dont feel like I'm asking for much to be his legal wife.


Emotional blackmail much?!? What an absolutely terrible, unloving, downright cruel thing to say. 

Also, if he wanted a baby that much, he'd be happy to get the marriage license sorted out. Something else is going on here, and it can't be good.



drt09 said:


> Thats a good question. I love that he's incredibly funny and has no problem being silly and laughing at himself. I lie the fact that he makes me feel safe and I can count on him to get things done(probably my daddy issues at work here, my father wasn't and still really isn't in my life). Also he's a hard worker...I feel like a gold digger sometimes but his income is nice where I dont have to work if I dont want to. I know what its like to struggle and now I don't want to go back to it.
> And to be honest...I don't know. I dont know if he loves me or not. He says he does. He buys me things, he's constantly posting pics of me on his social media, we have sex regularly. But this issue and other stuff like my weight gain(he "jokingly calls me fat a lot) has been hanging over my head. So I dont know.


There he goes again with the cruel things to say. I don't understand how you can feel safe around a man who finds it funny to insult you and threatens to cheat on you.


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## Lynn1989

drt09 said:


> Hi all. Im a 30 year old woman. And just started an account here just to vent and maybe get some advice. None of my close friends are even dating and my relatives are terrible with relationships. I didnt see a healthy male-female relationships until I went to college. Here's my story:
> My "husband" and I have been "married" for 3 years but I dont think he's serious about this. The reason I put parentheses around those words is because we're not legally married. We had the ceremony and everything but unfortunately officiate/aunt in law put the wrong date on our marriage certificate making our legal marriage null and void. That was 3 going on 4 years ago and he STILL doesn't want to go and get legally married. I want to have his last name and I told him before we got married that I want to be married before any babies come. He keeps saying "well I did my part i married you, its not my fault the license got messed up" His biological clock has been ticking for a while but I just turned 30 and now my clock has started. I want to start having children but I dont feel like I'm "completely" married. Im in limbo right now. We do everything a married couple is supposed to: we call each other husband and wife, we have life and health insurances in each other's names, we own a car together and want to buy a house but its just this nagging feeling that I'm not his legal wife. I feel like a fraud. His side knows we're not legally married but my entire side from my mother to my closest friends dont know. Im a liar.
> 
> I just dont understand why he won't sign a marriage license! What's so different about now than almost 4 years ago?! He knows that I want to have his last name before babies but instead of legally marrying me he's been threatening to just go and get another woman pregnant. He's desperate for a baby but I dont feel like I'm asking for much to be his legal wife.
> 
> I dont know what to do and I have no one to really talk to about this. Fellas why do you think he's chickening out? Ladies what should I do? I love him very much but my needs aren't being met. Thanks


Being legally married is a technicality, and isn't really the important bit...do you love each other? Are you best friends? People who are "legally married' have kids, cheat and get divorced the same as other couples. If you love each other. If you are best friends. Then, get in with your life and start a family. If not, you should move on.


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## TurnedTurtle

Being legally married provides benefits to couples who do love each other, and creates complications for those who do not love each other...


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## lifeistooshort

A guy who calls you fat and threatens to get another woman pregnant makes you feel safe?

I think the incorrect date is a gift. This guy isn't husband material.


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## Tdbo

You need legal advice and to start planning your exit. Yesterday.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

If he doesn't immediately correct things so you two are M, and you're happy with his convictions he lives you, then you need to split now.

But he's already shown he didn't fix it, want to fix it, isn't going to, and doesn't care.

That's your takeaway.

What his actions have loooonnngg been showing you is that he's more interested in seeing what else is out there for him, and he's NOT worried about keeping you.

Time for you to be a grown up and make your own plans, he's gone, and shown himself to not put you first.

It won't get better.

Save yourself. Make him move out.


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## Oldtimer

I see three issues, 1) calling you fat.2) it takes mere minutes to redo a piece of paperwork to fix the marriage confusion and 3) I would possibly still be with my first wife if she was working. I am appalled for you that he puts you down, he wants the perfect homebody to come home to.
I would say give a thought to being who you want to be before anything else. I wish you the best.


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## MattMatt

Check with a lawyer.


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