# Help.. Husband got a lap dance from his ex wife



## labs_2011 (Jan 14, 2011)

So my husband asked if he could go to a year-end fantasy football party and I said that would be fine. This was about 2 nights ago. Well it turns out that a group of guys from the party decided to go to a local strip club. My husband wanted to 'network' with one of them who owns a company he would like to work with so he decided to go as well. They went to this club and it turns out that my husbands ex wife is working there. After a few drinks the guys thought it would be funny if they bought my husband a lap dance from her. Husband says he tried to talk them out of it but they wouldn't listen, he swears he stopped the dance after a couple of minutes and tried to use the time to talk about issues they were having with the custody of their son. The son currently lives with us and she sees him every other weekend. In fact that night she had just gotten him for weekend. Anyway, as soon as he got home he told me what happened. I really felt hurt and betrayed about this. I really don't care if he went to te club. I have gone there a couple of times myself. But he has never gotten a lap dance since we have been married . I don't know what makes it worse, that he got one,that it was his ex wife who did it or am I over reacting and it was just a diffiult situation he was put in. I also should mention that I am currently 8 1/2 months pregnant with our second child so my hormones are in hyper drive. I am not sure what the best solution is to this, I still feel very hurt by it all but don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.
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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think the fact that he told you speaks volumes about his concern. He'll do better next time anything like that happens--he was caught unprepared for such a ridiculous thing and handled it the best he could. Nothing like that is likely to happen again but, really, he'll be much better at it if it does happen, after living through something so embarrassing. 

Really, at 8.5 months pregnant, I'm surprised you didn't react worse-throwing him out or something dramatic like that! When you feel you can talk calmly about it, let him know you are glad he told you and you understand he really was in a terrible position. And maybe the two of you should agree only to visit the club together. That would definitely keep anything like that from happening again.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Awkward.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

He should have thought about the consequences prior to going there in the first place. His friends don't care about him or you for that matter. At least he told you what happened before you heard it from someone else.
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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He put himself in a difficult position by going there. He could have chosen to respect his pregnant wife by not going. 

It sounds like he is easily swayed to do things that are not in his best interest or the interest of your relationship. Your relationship should come first, and other men should be understanding of that.

I have often seen men partake in activities they shouldn't because they are afraid of what other men will think, however these aren't real men, they boys who need to grow up and realise that the men other guys and women look up to are men who stand their ground and do the right thing in spite of what others may think. It's very sexy.

You have every right to be furious, and a lap dance from an ex would be classed as cheating to me.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

I understand this was something he was not expecting and was not prepared for it....but really, when they decided to go to a strip club, ws the point he shouldve opted out. The part he told you he "tried to talk them out of it" doesnt make sense to me. Why would he have to talk anyone out of anything...in other words, its not as if they held a gun to his head and forced him to sit down. I think that reasoning, where he couldnt talk them out of it, so he had to go along. To me, it seems like he is putting it on his friends..he wasnt helpless and strapped down, so there was no need to talk them out of anything, he shouldve simply left.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

Syrum said:


> He put himself in a difficult position by going there. He could have chosen to respect his pregnant wife by not going.
> 
> It sounds like he is easily swayed to do things that are not in his best interest or the interest of your relationship. Your relationship should come first, and other men should be understanding of that.
> 
> ...


:iagree: and im sure he was put in a situation he didnt want to be put in and i think he handled it well.
you are going to be hurt,so would i but there is nothing you can do about it and neither can your husband.try to move on and forgive.your husband needs to stay away from the people who put him in that situation to begin with,they have no respect for him,you,or your marriage.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

OK, that is officially just a strange thing to happen. Can't say what to make of the lapdance alone, not sure I would mind or not, hell I might demand that be taken there to get one myself, but WOW it was really the ex? That's just weird!! 

Anyway, the fact that he told you right off the bat is a good sign for you and if he seemed to have been as uncomfortable as he should have been with it... I think you will be OK. A bunch of boys, out drinking... hmm, remember they are boys and rarely think more than two steps ahead, therefore do some really, um... dumb stuff. I don't know you or your husband, so only you can say if it cause to worry or really be ticked off... but it just seems so damn odd... I would think this is a think that in 5 years you will be using to tease him and laugh till you're silly over it


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

'Oh they are boys they'll just do things like that'...WHAT ****ING BULL****.

that is sexist and demeaning to men! What, just because you have a penis, you automatically act like a child?! That is in no way an excuse.

Here's my feelings:

1. This man needs to own his own actions. 'He tried to talk them out of it'...what so his friends OWN his body and he has to do WHATEVER THEY SAY? NO? Then he needs to admit that he is 100% responsible for those actions. NOT HIS FRIENDS.

2. His friends have no respect for your marriage. They tried to convince him to do something very demeaning to yourself and your relationship. He needs to make it TOTALLY CLEAR to them that YOU are his wife and you come first - and he will ONLY tolerate friends in his life who are supporting of his wife and marriage. Either they shape up or he gets new friends.

3. What he did smacks of infidelity. You have every right to feel angry. He needs to admit this, sincerely apologise and deal with any issues that caused him to think this is OK.

4. I'd do some investigating and see what actually happened...how long the dance was for, did he ask for it or did the friends...etc etc...and what if anything is going on between him and this ex?? That is totally bizzare that he'd want a lapdance from his EX...YOU are his partner now, he should be at home being sexy with you not his ex!! WTF?!?!

5. CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY that he did this lap dance, that HE opted for it....then got scared and asked his friends to back his story that 'they made him'.

Bottom line...HE did this, not his friends. He needs to start putting you first, take responsibility and sort himself out.

And that 'boys will be boys' stuff is absolute crap. We are all humans, we all own ourselves. Just because he has a penis doesn't make him another species.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Take stock in the fact that he told you that is a big thing. I was never more in love with my wife than when she was pregnant with my children. Quite honestly in all her varying sizes in those days i loved her and was attracted to her. Maybe reflecting on that will help. 
A strip club is what it is if you new he was going if he told you what happened then this is not in the cloak of darkness.
I have seen drunk friends buy their other friend a lap dance without their knowledge. Some places it happens right where you are sitting so she would have walked up and started. If there is a seperate room the buddies could have said they paid for another girl then it was her. Just playing devils advocate.

She is also an adult and should have respectfully said no.

Like i said he told you that is huge!

Hope all goes well with your up and coming new arrival. Enjoy every second it all goes by to fast!


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I just read this again to see if I was missing something, and again, one thing comes to mind.... Jerry Springer.. Sorry but that's the truth... Hard to wrap my head around the idea of a hubby getting a lao dance from an ex in a strip club... I am perfectly ok with placing this in the catagory of "Jersey Girl Moment" but I THINK, now remember this has never happened to me nor have I placed this in any kind of "what if" hypothesis, but if it DID happen, I think my personality would lend itself to possibly relentless teasing, and maybe a few jeff Foxworthy quotes. I can't help it and I apologize completely if it offends but.... If it had been someone else.... would none of that pop in your mind? At least knowing the man was less than turned on and copped to it right off the bat? 

Again, truly sorry if my comment offends, it is not meant to by any means


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## labs_2011 (Jan 14, 2011)

Thanks for the response. All of them kind of reflect how I feel about this whole situation. Not really sure if should laugh, cry or chase him around the house with a frying pan. but to answer some of the questions... Yes it was his ex wife. She came by sunday to drop off their son, I avoided her. No the Group he went with were not neccesarily friends, more like acquaintences. I don't think he will spending much time with them any time soon. I really don't feel like there was more going on in that situatuion. His ex used to be ok but then she went downhill fast. there is a lot of bad blood between the two and the only reason he even communicates with her is when it concerns their son. I guess I posted this because I wasn't sure if I was overreacting, or not. I think that I might have let this incident go, doc put me on bedrest last week and I don't think it will be helpful for the pregnancy if I stress over this. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Thanks again.
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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Ok, well since you mention pregnancy, PLUS bedrest... well... I think you get a massive by if this bothered you. That's a hell of a lot to take on, and REALLY bad timing for a Jerry Springer moment from the ex. From the sounds of it.. your reaction that is.,, I think you will land on the side of laughing over crying. This may become one of those believe it or not stories you laugh hysterically over while sharing a few glasses of wine with your best GF  Certainly not an issue worth stressing over when you have much more important things going on.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I would first figure out what bothers you: the fact that he went to a strip club at all, the fact that he got a lap dance, or the fact that it was his ex-wife that gave him the lap dance. You need to know what it is that bothers you so that you address the appropriate thing. If you address the lap dance, but it's really the strip club in general, you could end up having this conversation again someday. 

Once you figure out what it is that bugs you, sit down and just tell him honestly how you feel about it. If he loves you the way he seems to from what you describe, he should be very understanding and not want to make you feel that way again. And if you think it's just pregnancy hormones making you feel this way, mention that, too. 

I do have to say that I would find it very disturbing if my boyfriend got a lap dance from his ex-wife. But I would also feel much better about it if he stopped it and told me about it when he got home. He could have kept it to himself and you might never have known or his ex could have been the one to tell you. So do give him points for that level of honesty.


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