# Seeing X Girlfriend with new Boyfriend for first time tonight



## Justadude

Ok TAMsters I need some advice today.

I was divorced over a year ago, my wife cheated on me and devastated me like I had never been before in life. I picked myself up, and decided to use this as a positive and to move forward and work on my issues. One of my steps forward was to join a divorce recovery group. Which I met a woman, and we dated for 4 months. 

It was an up and down relationship, with her emotions all over the place, we had a great connection (so I thought,) and because we had shared out nightmare divorce stories we had an immediate bond that made it seem like it was meant to be for me. She is drop dead gorgeous and the best looking woman I've ever been with. 

During this 4 months of dating we had a breakup for maybe 2 weeks or less. The reason we broke up was because she was hit on by some player dude and totally smitten, and she wanted to go out with him, and that ended it for me. She didn't want to get committed in a new relationship with me so fast after her divorce. But then she started calling me all the time and talked me back into dating her again after many hours of relationship talks, and after she told me it was done with this guy who only went out on one or two dates and she saw him as a guy who was only in love with himself.

So we finally broke up about 3 weeks ago, and last week I get a text from her that she wanted to let me know from her that she is dating someone else. I joked that she sure worked fast, and then she told me that she had gone out with this guy twice during our little break up, and that he just happened to reach out to her right after our final break up.

I was so furious that she had dated another guy without me knowing, and it hit all my triggers of my experience with my unfaithful wife. So I've been battling all these same emotions of betrayal, and insecurity, and feeling like a loser...and just like my wife, she has moved on and is in a relationship while I'm left hurt and alone.

So anyways, tonight I'm going to a party, and she just texted me that her and her new boyfriend will be there, and she wanted me to know, and can't wait to see me and generally acting like nothing happened. So I replied "thanks for the heads up."

So guys, I'm really in need of some counsel on how to approach tonight. I don't want her back, ever...but I have to admit I'm still hurt by all of this, and that I was so disrespected by her. I don't want to be her friend, but all of my friends are her friends, and she is the beautiful woman that both guys and girls love to be around, while I'm more of the low key good solid guy. 

Any thoughts, would be appreciated.


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## LongWalk

Just fake that everything is great. She is giving you a shyte test. Make sure she never catches you looking at her during the party. Mingle with other folks.

As far as feeling bitter, why bother. You slept with her and in her book you were either unworthy of her vagina or not. Let her worry about it.


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## the guy

This is some chick you dated for 4 months...hell she is practicly a stranger still.

I suggest you go to the party and show up with a positive attidute, smille wish her the best when you run into her and go about the evening enjoying your friends.

I think showing up will show that this person no longer has control over you emotionaly (even though she does) so face your fears and if any thing show your self you aren't a loser and can go on to live your own life with out her.

Sure it will be hard to face this crap but going out to night will be challenging and some of the hardest challenges in life bring out the greatest rewards.

So go and have a great time with your friends.


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## bandit.45

Flick a booger in her wine when she's not looking.


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## the guy

Plus you get to tell all your friends that you had that hot chick.

Why aren't you looking at this as a conquest?


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## Justadude

bandit.45 said:


> Flick a booger in her wine when she's not looking.


I just spit out my drink!!!:rofl:


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## Justadude

My plan is to be indifferent, and that I'm happy without her. To be honest I really am, she was a lot of f'ing work! 4 months with her and I was worn out emotionally. The thing that got me was the betrayal aspect, and how that really hit all my buttons from my X wife.


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## bandit.45

Yeah, when your at the party, point her out to the guys you're with and say "See that hot chick over there with that idiot? I hit that. Several times over. I pounded her like a sixteen penny nail. But she's a cheating ho so I dumped her sorry ass."


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## the guy

bandit.45 said:


> yeah, when your at the party, point her out to the guys you're with and say "see that hot chick over there with that idiot? I hit that. Several times over. I pounded her like a sixteen penny nail. But she's a cheating ho so i dumped her sorry ass."


exactly!!!!!


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## 6301

You said you dated her for 4 months and I'm willing to guess what little of a relationship you had with her was based on your divorce and hers. You had that in common and probably nothing else.

Friend, honestly I don't think you had enough time to heal from your divorce and your ex wife's behavior and just some friendly advice from a guy with a ton of hash marks running down his arm, (67 and married twice and cheated on) don't go jumping in to any relationship before you have the old one out of your system. Not fair to you, the women you meet and you need to have a clear mind.


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## bandit.45

Justadude said:


> My plan is to be indifferent, and that I'm happy without her.


No, no, NO! 

Quit being so nice! Mr. Niceboy nicety nice nice. Trash her rep! Talk smack! 

Why can't you let your anger out just this once. It won't be like your lying? 

Cmon.....live a little!

And don't give me that "well I don't wanna stoop to that level..." crap.


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## U.E. McGill

So I would avoid the new guy like the plague. Then casually bump into him like you don't know him and point her out "yeah I used to hit it"


Actually the best thing you can do, ignore her, and have a blast. She wants validation your a sad little puppy dog with out her. Her "can't wait to see you" is her hamster wheel of denial spinning that she's so awesome you would rather see her with someone, than not be around her at all. 

I would bring two girls to the party, then treat her like furniture.


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## Catherine602

Calm down.  She is dating as many people as she needs until she is ready to date exclusively. That's what you should be doing. Date her and as many women as you can fit into your schedule. It's the best way of finding out what you want in a possible long-term exclusive relationship. 

It may take you another 2 years to get over the end of your marriage and to get emotionally steady enough to decide what you need? 

One thing about this relationship. You said that she is the most attractive woman you have ever had a relationship. Maybe you are more attractive than you realize and she is a good match looks-wise for you. My point is, don't hang on to her because you think that you will not be able to attract women of equal attractiveness in the future. 

Relax, don't put your emotions on the line now, be honest and most of all, have fun.


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## Catherine602

One more thing this woman may have good friend potential and a resource for you as long as you don't consider her a LT prospect. 

She seems to feel comfortable sharing her thoughts with you, That can be invaluable. You can both learn something from each other. Don't alienate her by playing games. If she acts respectfully and honestly with you and it sounds like she is, then do the same with her. The only expectation is to build a trusted female friend with whom you can exchange ideas and mutual support.


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## bandit.45

Catherine602 said:


> One more thing this woman may have good friend potential and a resource for you as long as you don't consider her a LT prospect.
> 
> She seems to feel comfortable sharing her thoughts with you, That can be invaluable. You can both learn something from each other. Don't alienate her by playing games. If she acts respectfully and honestly with you and it sounds like she is, then do the same with her. The only expectation is to build a trusted female friend with whom you can exchange ideas and mutual support.


Oh God....

You women and your damn "friends" crap.


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## dajam

Justadude said:


> During this 4 months of dating we had a breakup for maybe 2 weeks or less. The reason we broke up was because she was hit on by some player dude and totally smitten, and she wanted to go out with him, and that ended it for me. She didn't want to get committed in a new relationship with me so fast after her divorce. But then she started calling me all the time and talked me back into dating her again after many hours of relationship talks, and after she told me it was done with this guy who only went out on one or two dates and she saw him as a guy who was only in love with himself..


This screams volumes... 

Based on this she appears to be shopping or just she has not figured out what she actually wants. If you do not want her just befriend and live your life... 

Just don't get sucked in to being a door mat... for her emotional dumping ground... Unless you want that.


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## lifeistooshort

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah, when your at the party, point her out to the guys you're with and say "See that hot chick over there with that idiot? I hit that. Several times over. I pounded her like a sixteen penny nail. But she's a cheating ho so I dumped her sorry ass."



Why should he trash the rep of someone he dated for 4 months? Given that he's still walking around po'd at his ex wife he probably isn't ready to date anyway, as evidenced by the fact that she's paying for the sins of his ex wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Justadude

I have no desire to be her male girlfriend, and that to me would be as big an emasculation as her seeing other dudes on the side. Women have no idea how big respect is to a man, and when you are disrespected your manhood has been attacked, and I was not cool with that.

She has tried to put me in the friend zone, and really to me that's just to make herself feel better about all of this. And that's not my job. I'll say "Hi" to her, and not go out of my way to be mean. As a Nice Guy in transformation I'm looking to keep myself from being a doormat, which I was in my marriage and sad to say I was in this relationship too. This really showed me that my co-dependency has not been healed as much as I thought.


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## Flying_Dutchman

She's a 'collector'. She dates/dumps/dates both you and this other guy and stays friendly so she can come back with her "I made a mistake." tales of woe. Truth be known, she probably has half a dozen or more of you hanging on her.

Some do it deliberately, others just don't know what they want. Shouldn't matter to you cuz both will cause you heartbreak if you don't realise what you're dealing with.

We're suckers for a 'hottie'. They know it. We know it. Once you recognise these 'collector' types there are only two sensible options. 

- 1). Adopt the Russian's at Stalingrad approach. "Not one step back." Ignore her and get her hook out of you.


- 2). Accept she'll never be yours. Maintain emotional distance and, when she comes to you with her "I made a mistake" stories, if you aren't dating anyone else, have at it till she leaves again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Justadude

So she didn't show up for part one of the evening, thank God Part two at this chicks house is coming up!


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## lifeistooshort

You're definitely not required to be her male gf. In fact I'd have nothing to do with her, women will often keep guys they know are interested in the friend zone for the ego boost and backup plan. Don't be that guy, be cordial but aloof like she's nothing. Women hate that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family

Sounds like she did you a favor breaking up with you. Move on and don't worry.


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## Holland

Some of the replies here are just plain old bitter and twisted. Trash her rep? Wow what sort of a person would do this? I am assuming you are all finished with high school.

So what, you were both out of bad marriages, both having some fun, nothing is exclusive when you have little break ups in what was a very short time together anyway.

Harden up, live your life and let others live theirs.


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## Catherine602

bandit.45 said:


> Oh God....
> 
> You women and your damn "friends" crap.


Bandit Women friends are good for a man who is not in a committed exclusive relationship. Of course he has to be able to avoid a romantic emotional attachment and date other women.


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## Catherine602

Justadude said:


> I have no desire to be her male girlfriend, and that to me would be as big an emasculation as her seeing other dudes on the side. Women have no idea how big respect is to a man, and when you are disrespected your manhood has been attacked, and I was not cool with that.
> 
> She has tried to put me in the friend zone, and really to me that's just to make herself feel better about all of this. And that's not my job. I'll say "Hi" to her, and not go out of my way to be mean. As a Nice Guy in transformation I'm looking to keep myself from being a doormat, which I was in my marriage and sad to say I was in this relationship too. This really showed me that my co-dependency has not been healed as much as I thought.


I think you are right about not being friends under the circumstances. My advice is to avoid building bitterness towards her though. She has her problems due to her bad D but they are not your problems. You want to shed bad feelings surrounding your D, not add more. Make a surgical cut from this relationship, good practice on efficient detaching. Keep meeting women while working on your picker.


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## Justadude

Post Mortem:

I had a great time at the party last night, the first part we had about 15-20 of us out at a bar, and then we took the party to one of the woman's house. My X did not show up at the bar, which made me feel very relieved. 

Then back at the house she did show up with the guy, and he was totally unimpressive. He was quiet, stiff and formal...to me it was an obvious step down for her...he had no spark, no fun, it was kind of shocking to be honest.

Meanwhile I had some nice conversations with available women that could be some future potential for me. So I exercised the demons, and it felt really good.

So this morning my friend calls me, and he knows us both well and says that my X started sending him very flirtatious texts! This guy is seeing someone and she knows this. He has zero interest in my X, but he called me to tell me this and let me know what a snake in the grass she is. She is already disrespecting her new boyfriend, poor dude...I know his pain. 

So all in all...a big win for my recovery!


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## lifeistooshort

Justadude said:


> Post Mortem:
> 
> I had a great time at the party last night, the first part we had about 15-20 of us out at a bar, and then we took the party to one of the woman's house. My X did not show up at the bar, which made me feel very relieved.
> 
> Then back at the house she did show up with the guy, and he was totally unimpressive. He was quiet, stiff and formal...to me it was an obvious step down for her...he had no spark, no fun, it was kind of shocking to be honest.
> 
> Meanwhile I had some nice conversations with available women that could be some future potential for me. So I exercised the demons, and it felt really good.
> 
> So this morning my friend calls me, and he knows us both well and says that my X started sending him very flirtatious texts! This guy is seeing someone and she knows this. He has zero interest in my X, but he called me to tell me this and let me know what a snake in the grass she is. She is already disrespecting her new boyfriend, poor dude...I know his pain.
> 
> So all in all...a big win for my recovery!



She's disrespecting your friend and his relationship as well. This supports the idea that she gets off on the ego boost of keeping lots of men around in the "friend" zone. You are better off without her.


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## LongWalk

She's not a snake in the grass. She's a female in heat with time running out on her biological clock. Her strategy is to test the goods. She is lowering her sex ranking by being too promiscuous for your taste or your friend's.

That's how it goes.

Also, one can imagine that upon getting divorced, a modern Sex in the City woman will want to bust out and have sex with a bunch of men.


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## Mr.Fisty

the guy said:


> Plus you get to tell all your friends that you had that hot chick.
> 
> Why aren't you looking at this as a conquest?



So did other guys. The number is unknown. Lol.


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## the guy

I'm glad you went.

And dude aren't you lucky it was only 4 month and not longer?

This is why you gotta play the field.....you don't want to get stuck with another ex wife or the ex girl friend.

It's time to take the skills you have experienced and start being selective. In order to do that you have to play the field.


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## Wolf1974

She moved on. You haven't. Time to kick her to the curb completely and move on. 

A a side result when you cut that string she is stringing you along with that will bother her. 

Just move on and find someone else


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## dajam

I have a friend like her. She dates all the time. Looking and testing every guy for the last 6 years. 

She always says it has to be based on that "connection" contrary to this she is going by looks first. She is very pretty but no self esteem, and most of the guys are "the one" I have met some of them, they all appear to be narcissists.. Which she figures out after they promise her the world, get what they want then move on.... Sad. so sad. 

Free dinners, all the guys help her out, trips vacations, blah, blah, blah. For her the clock is ticking and she wants the white picket fence but with a super star and she is over 40.

Unfortunately she has dated so many different guys she does not know any more what she wants. She is part of the new Sex in the city crowd.. 80/20 world.. 

IMHO, stay clear...


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## Flying_Dutchman

Justadude said:


> So this morning my friend calls me, and he knows us both well and says that my X started sending him very flirtatious texts! This guy is seeing someone and she knows this. He has zero interest in my X, but he called me to tell me this and let me know what a snake in the grass she is. She is already disrespecting her new boyfriend, poor dude...I know his pain.
> 
> So all in all...a big win for my recovery!


Told ya. A collector.

It's never too late for a valuable learning experience.

Glad you've managed to cut THAT tie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle

First off very good thread.. Many different eye openers here..

1. I get all the male notions of telling her new boyfriend or whomever you nailed that.. But I am gonna be honest. If anyone ever came up to me and told me *"I nailed that"* about my current G.F. I would definitely *try* to hurt them physically. I am sure verbally I have several choice comments to explain why she was your ex.. But without a doubt it would get physical once the verbal assault was done. Matter of fact I think I have a sharp enough tongue to instigate someone attacking me first, which makes it better for me.. 

So I would suggest you never write a check with your mouth, that your body can't pay.. I know the nerdiest looking guys on my job that are full contact martial artist.. You just never, ever know.. Youtube is full of videos of men and women taking on others that no one expected they could. 

2. You are a better man than me going.. I couldn't go.. I know my emotions and I cannot hide them. I just can't, I figured that out long ago.. So I just don't try anymore to fake it.. My ex seen me beg and plead with snot running out of my nose and tears running down my face. But it didn't make me a weak man.. It made me honest.. Nothing wrong with showing your emotions and it surely does NOT make you a weaker or bad person. 

3. As much as I understand, you guys were on a break. So she can do what she wants. I'm sorry. But I understand, honestly.. She told you of one and omitted the other for whatever reason. But her telling you she wanted to go out with this player guy should have told you already you were plan B.. BTW there are no such thing as player guys.. That is the bullsh!t we men use to sooth our egos when our wives cheat or leave us for other men. Personally my Ex left me for a man 10 years older, no real job, no real pension besides a future S.S. Check, literally a foot shorter than me *( I'm 6'3" )*.. He is no player, she was leaving. I am just lucky it was him and not some muscle ripped millionaire.. 

4. I am sure your fantasy of this guy was much more than what you expected. Most women choose down when it comes to men. Meaning a hot women isn't gonna pick a hot looking guy. Its too much competition and insecurity. 

5. Here is a reality that some men ( Yes, I am a guy ) don't get when it comes to women and break ups from long relationships.. I see this a lot with rookie female cops.. Since the PD is mostly men, when a rookie female cop comes into the precinct it is like coming to a bar where YOU the female are the only women in there. Even okay looking women get more attention than they normally would. For some women who might not have had many life experiences or not much common sense, it can become overwhelming to be the center of attention all of a sudden. So what happens is they end up dating 1,2,3,4,5 cops over the first year or so. 

I think that happens with many women after divorce. If you look at it what happens.. You get depressed and lose a bunch of weight.. You look better and men that never gave you attention before are now giving you looks. Especially for a women a dating website is like all you can eat buffet. Remember for the most part its men introducing themselves to women and not the other way around. So even what some might consider a average looking woman is still going to get tons more hits than most men on a dating site for example. Even in bars, you don't see that many women coming up to men.. I can tell you from clear experience losing 85 LBS is night and day for me when it comes to women. I am no stud but even I get women once in a while at a bar looking to hook up when the G.F. walks away. 

The thing is men unlike women are used to rejection. For the most part men expect to get rejected when they walk up to a woman. Women are not like that. That being said some women do not know how to control this power they have been given. So they squander it getting all the c0ck they can sometimes. Trust me if women threw themselves at me like men do to my G.F. it would be pretty hard for me. For women it seems like they are making up for lost time. Granted there are guys thinking the same thing, but like usual *( I am guilty of this as well )* if a guy fvcks 100 women he is a stud and if a girl fvck 20 she is a wh0re.


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## toonaive

Why are you wasting so much time thinking about this situation? You only went out with her for 4 months. Why do you care what she thinks? If you want to go to the party, go. Go by yourself, or bring a date. Ultimately, you are there for yourself and have a good time.


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## lifeistooshort

Hardtohandle said:


> First off very good thread.. Many different eye openers here..
> 
> 1. I get all the male notions of telling her new boyfriend or whomever you nailed that.. But I am gonna be honest. If anyone ever came up to me and told me *"I nailed that"* about my current G.F. I would definitely *try* to hurt them physically. I am sure verbally I have several choice comments to explain why she was your ex.. But without a doubt it would get physical once the verbal assault was done. Matter of fact I think I have a sharp enough tongue to instigate someone attacking me first, which makes it better for me..
> 
> So I would suggest you never write a check with your mouth, that your body can't pay.. I know the nerdiest looking guys on my job that are full contact martial artist.. You just never, ever know.. Youtube is full of videos of men and women taking on others that no one expected they could.
> 
> 2. You are a better man than me going.. I couldn't go.. I know my emotions and I cannot hide them. I just can't, I figured that out long ago.. So I just don't try anymore to fake it.. My ex seen me beg and plead with snot running out of my nose and tears running down my face. But it didn't make me a weak man.. It made me honest.. Nothing wrong with showing your emotions and it surely does NOT make you a weaker or bad person.
> 
> 3. As much as I understand, you guys were on a break. So she can do what she wants. I'm sorry. But I understand, honestly.. She told you of one and omitted the other for whatever reason. But her telling you she wanted to go out with this player guy should have told you already you were plan B.. BTW there are no such thing as player guys.. That is the bullsh!t we men use to sooth our egos when our wives cheat or leave us for other men. Personally my Ex left me for a man 10 years older, no real job, no real pension besides a future S.S. Check, literally a foot shorter than me *( I'm 6'3" )*.. He is no player, she was leaving. I am just lucky it was him and not some muscle ripped millionaire..
> 
> 4. I am sure your fantasy of this guy was much more than what you expected. Most women choose down when it comes to men. Meaning a hot women isn't gonna pick a hot looking guy. Its too much competition and insecurity.
> 
> 5. Here is a reality that some men ( Yes, I am a guy ) don't get when it comes to women and break ups from long relationships.. I see this a lot with rookie female cops.. Since the PD is mostly men, when a rookie female cop comes into the precinct it is like coming to a bar where YOU the female are the only women in there. Even okay looking women get more attention than they normally would. For some women who might not have had many life experiences or not much common sense, it can become overwhelming to be the center of attention all of a sudden. So what happens is they end up dating 1,2,3,4,5 cops over the first year or so.
> 
> I think that happens with many women after divorce. If you look at it what happens.. You get depressed and lose a bunch of weight.. You look better and men that never gave you attention before are now giving you looks. Especially for a women a dating website is like all you can eat buffet. Remember for the most part its men introducing themselves to women and not the other way around. So even what some might consider a average looking woman is still going to get tons more hits than most men on a dating site for example. Even in bars, you don't see that many women coming up to men.. I can tell you from clear experience losing 85 LBS is night and day for me when it comes to women. I am no stud but even I get women once in a while at a bar looking to hook up when the G.F. walks away.
> 
> The thing is men unlike women are used to rejection. For the most part men expect to get rejected when they walk up to a woman. Women are not like that. That being said some women do not know how to control this power they have been given. So they squander it getting all the c0ck they can sometimes. Trust me if women threw themselves at me like men do to my G.F. it would be pretty hard for me. For women it seems like they are making up for lost time. Granted there are guys thinking the same thing, but like usual *( I am guilty of this as well )* if a guy fvcks 100 women he is a stud and if a girl fvck 20 she is a wh0re.



I think any guy that f!cks 100 women is nasty, but that's me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

Dealbreakers.....you need to get some and stick to them. You're too desperate.


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## Hardtohandle

Just wanted to add you are correct about the the lets be friends thing. That is just being a Beta Orbiter..


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## Justadude

This was one of those little necessary steps of growth to healing. Since to this day I have not seen my XW with a man (in person) I know she has dated plenty, I built this as a big event to overcome. I’ve had time to heal from my marriage, and basically have zero desire to get back with my XW I think it would be no big deal to see that today. My only concern would be our kid’s reactions.

So even though we dated for only 4 months, it’s my first post-divorce relationship but it was an intense 4 months, and it was my first connection with another woman since I meet my XW over 11 years ago. My emotional equilibrium is not where it will be, and I thought my reaction to seeing her with another dude would be stronger than it ended up being. It was one of those instances in life that the buildup is greater than reality. Hopefully I have learned a lesson, and to never want a relationship more than I want my own self-respect.


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## bandit.45

Catherine602 said:


> Bandit Women friends are good for a man who is not in a committed exclusive relationship. Of course he has to be able to avoid a romantic emotional attachment and date other women.


As long as he's never been in an exclusive relationship with them. I have lots of female acquaintances, but once it's gone exclusive girlfriend mode, I can never be friends with them again. That's just creepy.....


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## bandit.45

Hardtohandle said:


> Just wanted to add you are correct about the the lets be friends thing. That is just being a Beta Orbiter..


:iagree:

Some women cannot handle the idea that a guy would have lingering negative feelings about her after a cold breakup like this one. They hate to think someone dislikes them. It strikes right to the core of their insecurities. Women like to label men as insecure, when it's usually quite the opposite.


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