# If a man is "happy" why would he "search"



## BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (Apr 23, 2013)

If a man is "happy" in a relationship, why would he occasionally search craigslist personals or search for old girlfriends online?

Is this "normal curiosity" for the male species? Or is it a sign to RUN?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It varies, of course. It may just be curiosity - I'd be interested to know what became of old girlfriends, without having any wish to contact or see them again, although I've remained friends with one for almost 40 years. If he wants to contact them, then if he's smart he'll talk to you first about setting limits as to what's acceptable. I know nothing about Craigslist, but many people use it - whether there's any real reason for concern is something you should ask him about.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

this questions can be asked for both genders, if you had read enough Threads from BH here you can see how many cases were happy marriages where the wife thought she could have a little fun out of the marriage.

also, is true it can be just curiosity, but is also true that not all men do that, as I assume not all women do it neither


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN said:


> If a man is "happy" in a relationship, why would he* occasionally search craigslist personals or search for old girlfriends online?*
> 
> Is this "normal curiosity" for the male species? Or is it a sign to RUN?


The answer is in the bold^^^ part above.

Once or twice is enough to satisfy curiosity . Occasionally means it's becoming a habit, and it points in the wrong direction.


IMO ,Craiglist personals is the sewer of all online / dating personals.
Time to run.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: If a man is "happy" why would he "search"*



BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN said:


> If a man is "happy" in a relationship, why would he occasionally search craigslist personals or search for old girlfriends online?
> 
> Is this "normal curiosity" for the male species? Or is it a sign to RUN?


It could just be a voyeuristic urge. Same reason there are peeping toms or people with all kinds of other fetishes and hidden desires. It is not entirely appropriate but nor is it any indicator of regret or dissatisfaction with the relationship.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> The answer is in the bold^^^ part above.
> 
> Once or twice is enough to satisfy curiosity . Occasionally means it's becoming a habit, and it points in the wrong direction.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

This may be a poor analogy... 

But why look for another car if the one you have runs fine?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: If a man is "happy" why would he "search"*



Accipiter777 said:


> This may be a poor analogy...
> 
> But why look for another car if the one you have runs fine?


Looking AT is different than looking FOR


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lon said:


> *Looking AT is different than looking FOR*


Craigs List....Once I went there looking for I can't even remember now and seen these "Men seeking women" / "women seeking men" ads (personals, forget how they were worded now).......and out of pure curiosity I clicked on there and seen some Di**s hanging in all their glory... it was like ... WHOA... Ok.. interesting... I wasn't shopping for one. 

I can be a curious soul at times...seeing what it's all about, how some of these people advertise....I told my husband all about it ...don't remember now but this wouldn't surprise him coming from me....

The question is...does one keep their spouse in the dark /secrets.....If there is no threat...it should be all transparent to mention..like "Hey, honey, I gotta read you this one :rofl:..."... that's the way we are.. just something to talk about...a moment in time, then you move on....

After all...we hear so much about these things in the news... one of our friends hooked up with a guy on there...it lasted about a year...hearing she found him on there, gave it a bad taste.. but he wasn't all that bad...I didn't ask how he advertised himself...


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I think MOST men do this. Just like I think most men look at porn, dabble on other unmentionable sites, you can be perfectly happy in your marriage it's just in MOST men to seek out variety.

The longstanding joke about any supermodel as HOT as she is "someone is bored of hitting it!" 

Women are much better at focusing on life's splendor than men. Men think about sex, more sex, different sex, new sex, porn sex, without women guys wouldn't know what to do.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Craigs List....Once I went there looking for I can't even remember now and seen these "Men seeking women" / "women seeking men" ads (personals, forget how they were worded now).......and out of pure curiosity I clicked on there and seen some Di**s hanging in all their glory... it was like ... WHOA... Ok.. interesting... I wasn't shopping for one.


Ughhhh....disgusting stuff. Yes, I too have clicked on Craigslist links out of curiosity. The number of flacid penis pics is astounding. I don't know. Hypothetically speaking if I were to post a pic on Craigslist I'd post a pick of myself holding a puppy. I'd bet good money that I would get more attention than someone who posted close up picks of their penis to make it look bigger. 

But yes, people do look to see whats on there out of curiosity. With that said no reason to go back. Nothing on there but guys that no normal woman would want, and working girls that are pretending to be regular women.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I can be curiousity...or it could be trolling for a good time. Whatever it is, it's worth confronting. If the confrontation leads to an improvement in the relationship...great. But if confrontation lead to bullcrap behavior, such as "hOw DaRe YoU InavDe MAh PriVacEEE!" or other bouts of insanity...then yeah...RUn, Forrest, run.


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## BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (Apr 23, 2013)

I believe the looking for old girlfriends is just a curiosity thing and it continues because he has not found them yet. The craigslist thing I am not sure about. I know he has not taken action on it, but why look? Could be a thrill or a fantasy thing. Or was he trolling craigslist before he met me. If that's the case, then it brings his character into question.

He is a very outgoing social person. He will talk to anyone about anything. He "friends" people left and right. Sometimes without thinking as to how it looks to me. He has no problem removing anyone I find inappropriate. But there is a history of some online behavior that keeps my radar up. Last Valentines Day, of all days, he spent 7.5 hours chatting up some "lady". Nothing to flirty, but inappropriate none the less. They got to talking about working out, (he is pretty buff) and he sent her a pic of himself shirtless. When I asked him how he would feel if I spent the whole day chatting up some guy, he told me he would be ok with it. But then I asked him, what if I sent him a pic of myself in a bikini? He got the point. (This woman lives 3000 miles away, but that does not make the behavior ok, at least in my book. In his book, I am not sure.)

After this incident we had a discussion about online behavior. How things start with "hi, how are you" and end with "meet me here". So, here's the kicker: we talked about emotional affairs and that I was worried about this. His response: you might have to worry about that. HUGE RED FLAG with rhinestones and a spotlight!

Bottom line, I think he has a very fragile ego, and perhaps he does not care who strokes it.

He has started IC, we will see how it goes. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, (retired military) I am willing to wait out the IC a while, try some CC and see where it goes. If he were not going to IC, I would be gone, no matter how well he treats me.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN said:


> If a man is "happy" in a relationship, why would he occasionally search craigslist personals or search for old girlfriends online?
> 
> Is this "normal curiosity" for the male species? Or is it a sign to RUN?


It is NOT normal, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. It's disrespectful. 

Men or women who do that are immature childish adults that want to cake eat, or have low self-esteem. Either way, it's pathetic and disgusting.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN said:


> Bottom line, I think he has a very fragile ego, and perhaps he does not care who strokes it.


In my experience and opinion, and this is being very general, people who work out in order to get buff/muscular etc. generally have this personality trait. Perhaps they've always been like that, or maybe they started working out at some point in their lives to get healthy, and the end result has provided them attention from others which has fuelled this need.

For us men, especially, having a nice body seems to give us an overblown confidence which is almost (or entirely) fake. Confidence should be based upon who we are, not what we look like, and sometimes people who work hard to get to this point, forget this and it provides an easy way for them to receive the attention they need.

I've worked with and been friends with a few guys of this ilk in my life, and I can tell you that their bodies are almost their entire persona. In one case, I was friends with this guy when I was a teenager, and he was a little on the doughy side, and used his humour to his advantage, and everybody liked him. He got into body building in his early 20's and ended up very chiselled, but his personality changed immensely and he turned into the stereotypical muscular gym rat and all he talked about was his workouts and "chicks". He was confident in himself from the start, but this gave him a new, false (imo) confidence which changed his entire personality.

I also had a co-worker once who was enormous and spent virtually all of his free time in the gym lifting. Again, this is all he talked about, and he quite relished the fact that he was the biggest guy in the office and played off that. Funny thing was, he was not an attractive guy at all (face OR personality) but he used his body to his advantage and he had no problem with the ladies.

I don't know... to me the whole male body builder is an entirely different species. And in MY experience knowing a few of those types over the years, they have their own rules as to what's appropriate or not. It's almost like a free pass in some cases.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I would RUN, without a doubt. If he is searching, he is not happy. He may be in denial about this but when you strip away the web of rationalizations and such he is not happy. He needs to quit lying to you and himself.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN said:


> If a man is "happy" in a relationship, why would he occasionally search craigslist personals or search for old girlfriends online?
> 
> Is this "normal curiosity" for the male species? Or is it a sign to RUN?


no, I don't think someone searches when they are happy. In fact, they are focused on their beloved when they are happy. The searching part is key and is a defining characteristic of unhappiness vs. someone who fell into a cheating situation not knowing it was going to happen.

Also, "happy" is different than "content". Someone who truly believes that they are happy in their relationship even though they are searching craigslist is more than likely content.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> IMO ,Craiglist personals is the sewer of all online / dating personals.
> Time to run.


Yep :iagree:


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## Vaya Con Dios (Aug 20, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> This may be a poor analogy...
> 
> But why look for another car if the one you have runs fine?


Because sometimes that BMW that just pulled up along side your Spark has bigger brighter buttons, and it's best just to look, NOT to buy!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Well, it depends whether he's really "searching" or whether it's just occasional curiosity, which I can't really know from your post. I have been known to occasionally check out a hot female acquaintance's pictures on facebook but it's not something I do all the time. I also went through a brief phase where I was sort of fascinated by the craigslist adult personals, but it was just a fantasy, not something I would act on.


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## BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (Apr 23, 2013)

alexm said:


> In my experience and opinion, and this is being very general, people who work out in order to get buff/muscular etc. generally have this personality trait. Perhaps they've always been like that, or maybe they started working out at some point in their lives to get healthy, and the end result has provided them attention from others which has fuelled this need.
> 
> For us men, especially, having a nice body seems to give us an overblown confidence which is almost (or entirely) fake.
> 
> ...


This IS part of the problem. He is a bit of a gym rat, 6 days a week. He is not the "Venus Beach Gym Rat" But many a time I have heard him say "I'm the biggest guy at the gym". The further we get into this relationship, the more I see how fragile his ego is.

But on the other side of this "gym rat" coin, his self esteem is so low that approaching other women is a very slow process. This is probably why he likes the online thing so much, a computer won't reject him.

When I asked him why he was looking at craigslist personals, I got the "lie and deny" routine. I am beginning to realize that unless I have the facts and proof, "lie and deny" is his go to defense. Even when confronted with facts, it is like pulling teeth to get him to finally say "yes, I did".

The other night, we had a "come to jesus" meeting. I approached this in a loving non-judgemental way. I asked him point blank about some things, got the "not that I recall" BS. So I present more "evidence" finally get a "yes". But the big problem is, he will not confess to anything. He has to be confronted before he will stop something. This will not do!

As it turns out, his whole life is a lie. (Mostly about his military service). Just about everything he has told me is an "untruth". It is a shame, because I prefer to judge someone by how they treat me day to day, (which is awesome) but not being able to trust someone is a deal breaker for me.

Everything (that I am aware of) is on the table. But when given the opportunity to come clean he was a coward, (once again) and could not volunteer anything. He was greatly relieved to have the truth out in the open. But now, all I can wonder about is: what did I miss? 

So, I am lacing up my running shoes. Cannot "sprint" as there are too many obstacles in the way, but I see the finish line on the horizon.


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## Vaya Con Dios (Aug 20, 2012)

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN said:


> This IS part of the problem. He is a bit of a gym rat, 6 days a week. He is not the "Venus Beach Gym Rat" But many a time I have heard him say "I'm the biggest guy at the gym". The further we get into this relationship, the more I see how fragile his ego is.
> 
> But on the other side of this "gym rat" coin, his self esteem is so low that approaching other women is a very slow process. This is probably why he likes the online thing so much, a computer won't reject him.
> 
> ...


Hmm. So now the truth is out there you are 'running' away? I can see why he tried to keep the illusion alive.

Having your soul to soul moment has both given him the chance to come clean, and for you to see who he really is...

Cant you take it from there?...keep the running shoes on..but give it a chance.

How many men on here have periodically looked up old flames from the comfort of the computer?....More than a few I bet!

By the way I just used Craig List for the first time after it being mention here....didn't miss much.


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## BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (Apr 23, 2013)

Vaya Con Dios said:


> Hmm. So now the truth is out there you are 'running' away? I can see why he tried to keep the illusion alive.
> 
> Having your soul to soul moment has both given him the chance to come clean, and for you to see who he really is...
> 
> ...


Oh, Vaya Con Dios, if were only that simple. You have absolutely NO idea how big the "illusion" was. The "truth" is only out there because *I* put it out there! I gave him several opportunities to confess and still save face, but he volunteers nothing.

This is a pattern for him. He will not come clean about anything on his own. He must be forced to. The whole foundation of our relationship is based upon lies. He used these lies to bond with me.

This is much much larger than looking up old girlfriends and looking at craigslist personals. That is just a small part of the problem. This is about not being comfortable in your own skin. Not being able to live in your truth. Having to lie about everything to make yourself look and feel important.

I am glad he has some relief. Time will tell if there are more lies I have not yet discovered. But the fact that "I" have to discover them, is no way to live.

I refuse to live a lie. I have my running shoes on, but I am not yet out the door. But if I hear him tell another human being one of his "war stories" where he was the "officer" in charge. I am out!


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