# my wife has left me for another women



## davej (Sep 2, 2013)

Help and advice please, i have been happily married for nearly 10 years and with my wife for a previous 10. I was told recently that she loves me but is not in love with me.She said she hasnt loved me for 2 years which came as a shock even my mother in law cannot believe it.At the same time she told me she was in love with someone else, a woman.We have 2 children aged 10 and 15 (who has learning difficulties) she has moved out and is now living with the other woman whom she has known for a total of 2 months.She met her through becoming a ladies football team manager , when she asked me if she should do it i backed her all the way.
The eldest is living with me and the youngest lives with her when hes not in way then she brings him here.Im so confused , hurt and so are my children .
Please help i dont know what to do :-(


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

davej said:


> Help and advice please, i have been happily married for nearly 10 years and with my wife for a previous 10. I was told recently that she loves me but is not in love with me.She said she hasnt loved me for 2 years which came as a shock even my mother in law cannot believe it.At the same time she told me she was in love with someone else, a woman.We have 2 children aged 10 and 15 (who has learning difficulties) she has moved out and is now living with the other woman whom she has known for a total of 2 months.She met her through becoming a ladies football team manager , when she asked me if she should do it i backed her all the way.
> The eldest is living with me and the youngest lives with her when hes not in way then she brings him here.Im so confused , hurt and so are my children .
> Please help i dont know what to do :-(


Firstly you need to get your finances separated , talk to a good lawyer to know your rights.
She didn't have a sexual affair alone , she abandoned her family and moved in with her lover who she had met just two months ago.
In addition ,her lover is female.
How can you compete against that?
I know this is hard for you , but you must stay strong for your kids ,they need you , especially now.
Best wishes.


Edit,
Maybe you can send a message ( PM) to one of the moderators to have this post removed to the Coping With Infidelity section.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its so easy to let this crap beat you down, so don't let it.

I hope that soon she starts missing the man meat and come home, seriously I hope that she misses her family and comes home.

My best advise is to let go, distance your self and stay away from talking to her about "us".

The thinking here is as soon as you let her go the sooner she will start to think twice about losing you.

Your confidence in acting like you can and will move on with out her will get her to second guess her choices.

I have a feeling she is in a deep fog and pressuring her to get back together will only push her away.

The thinking here is once she see you moving on in a positive way she may lose you for ever.

So fake it until you can make it...letting her go just might save your marriage.

Until then protect your self and know your option by seeing a lawyer.

You may want to have her served to show her the finality of her choices...you can always withdraw the divorce once she sees chick aren't her thing.

When I was going thru this crap I found that lifting wieghts helped me alot.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, start going out and go buy some new clothes and get a hair cut.

Show her thru your action that you are moving on with out her.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts!

Live well brother and never let a chick define you.


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## davej (Sep 2, 2013)

many thanks for advice and kind words.We are still friends but i dearly and truly love her , i have even told her that you can never go to far to come back.She as taken all her clothes but as left numerous items that she says she will collect in future but doesnt know when.She has since told me shes not a lesbian but has fallen in love with a woman , says she doesnt look at woman like that and prefers men ?!To make matters worse she has told me im a wonderful man and a great dad its just that she doesnt love me anymore. She and new partner put pictures on facebook of them arm in arm and kissing. she has now closed her facebook account because she didnt want to get grief off people !so as you can see im confused. She has been told by regular lesbians what will happen ie family turn back on her (not happened) , people will think shes having a midlife crisis etc..and she believes everything they say. Just to add hal a dozen of her new friends are policewomen who think men are vile creatures and she has started to talk like them as if shes been a lesbian for 30 years or more , just adds to my confusion. Says she doesnt want a divorce either !!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop being confused,

Your old lady is leaving the door open just enough so she can bail on this ***** stuff any time she is ready YOU AIN'T GOING NOW WERE!!!!

See she has your number and knows she can continue this crap for as long as she wants...you sir have not given her any consequences for tearing this family apart.

Ya I get you love her but you can't nice your way out of this.

Alls I am saying is to be civil, smile wish her the best and for your own emotional health you need to let her go. She may not like it but she has to respect it. what would she do if you started shacking up with some guy?


I mean the last thing you want is to start being an A hole to her and feed the fire, but you can take action for your own emotional health and stop beng her doormate.

I suggest that you file for a divorce and have her served and inform her that this is not to be mean but if she respects you enough to move on for your own well being (emotionally speaking ) then she can respect this dicision to divorce so you can find someone else that *will* love you.


Think about dude, she doesn't love you but doesnt want a divorce that is fog talk...she is fogged in and having her served and wishing her the best just might save your family.

Again this kind of talk makes no sence at all. Her own fog has you confused cuz...she is a cake eater. 

You have to do a 180 if you want to make it.

Please stop getting manipulated and make the choice for her and have her served...not b/c you hate her but b/c you do still love her and only want the best for own emotional health.

Also this divorce will set you free to find someone that will love you back...ya ya ya I know you still love her just don't let your wife know this....again she has to believe you are letting her go, you have to get her to believe that she is losing you.

having her served is the best way to get her tosecond guess her choices...you can always withdraw it once she is out of the fog.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In short your wifes affair is just a fog fantasy and once the reality hits her she will see what she is about to lose.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She can't have it both ways---she doesn't want a D, cuz she probably still needs you to bankroll her, also she doesn't want her kids hating her cuz she OFFICIALLY, busted up the family

If she wants to be with another person---then she needs to understand that a mge, is made up of TWO---Three is not in the definition of mge---so either, she drops her lover, and returns to the family, with all that, that entails, depending on your demands and boundaries-----or you file for D


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tuesday go see a lawyer and at least know your options.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

DaveJ, your wife is cheating on you. May I suggest you ask the moderators to move this thread to the CWI (Coping With Infidelity) forum? You will get focused advice from many who have sadly been in your shoes before. 

That being said you can't 'nice' your wife back. She is leaving the door slightly open so you can be her back up plan. Living through that scenario will drag you through emotional hell and never works out. Why? Do you want to be plan b? You will resent her forever. She will drag this drama on for years with you and your children paying the price.

That being said tomorrow see an attorney and start the divorce process. Separate all your finances and cancel all joint credit cards. Have the attorney file that she cannot move the younger child from the family home until custody and visitation has been established. Also have the attorney state she cannot have visitation rights with her affair partner present until custody and visitation rights have been established. Tell her tomorrow to come get the rest of her stuff or you are giving it away to goodwill. Contact her mom, dad, all her family and yours plus all close friends and state that your wife has decided to leave you for another woman and that you are filing for divorce. 

If you do what I have outlined you are slapping her with the reality of the consequences of the decisions she has made. If she decides she does not want to divorce and truly decides to reconcile you can decide if you want her back. But only if she is truly remorseful and wants to be with you. You can always halt the divorce process. Or get divorced and date her in the future. Then she can compete with every other woman out there. 

In the meantime sign up for he gym and start upping your sex ranking. Diet and exercise will make you feel better about yourself. Show her you have options and are moving forward.

If you do the above it is highly likely she will lash out at you. Call you all sorts of names and insult you. Laugh in her face. Keep a VAR on you at all times. Things will get ugly and she may set you up for a restraining order by making claims. Keep your cool and don't get aggressive. 
She made the decision to cheat. Not you. How you decide to live with the consequences is entirely up to you though. You can be a passenger or the driver of the bus going forward. Your choice. I strongly suggest you take the wheel asap and drive.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Agree have this thread moved to the infidelity forum.

Your wife is a cheater and the script is the same regardless of whether she left for another man or woman.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She cheated and is still cheating.

You're acting desperate and weak. That's a real turn-off for everyone, especially her.

Let her go. Learn to detach. Dont let her be the center of your thoughts. Learn to adapt to life without her. Your kids are old enough to deal with whatever issues that may arise as long as you're there for them.

Let her go. Start the divorce process.

Let her go. Stop supporting her poor choice in dealing with her own problem. She should had tried to work out her problem with you before cheating.

Let her go. If she really do love you, she'll come back to you (if that's what you want).

Let her go. Move on with your life. Your time on earth is limited. Why are you wasting it?

Let her go.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Wait a second. Seem like she wants it all. Wants to be a part time lesbian, part time hetero, leaves you and says she'll come back for the rest of her stuff when she's ready, doesn't want a divorce. Have I got this all right?

To me, she has this notion that she can do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants and to hell with how you feel.

Heres what you do. Stop giving her all the rights. Put her possessions in the drive way and tell her that since she doesn't live there any longer, she along with the football team can come and collect it or it goes in the trash. Then go find a lawyer and have her selfish ass served and I would be real careful about any kind of R with her. She's doing a fine job screwing not only you up but the kids. If she's gay, she's gay. People are who they are but she should have been honest with you about it. Don't mess around with her. Let her know that if this is what she wants, she got it and be done with it. If not your in for a king size headache for years to come.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

davej, most women prove to be controlling once you put a ring on their finger. That is why the definition of a "controlling man" is "a man who refuses to let a woman control HIM.
You are fortunate to find out that your closet lesbian wants to come clean and let you know that you will NEVER be "the guy" for her.
Divorce is in order and then you can devote your life to your children and YOU.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WW appears to be in a serious toxic friend situation that is influencing her life decisions. Not only is she swanning off with her lesbian gf, but she has a larger group of enabling 'friends' who are happy to rewrite your history with her and rewire her thinking.

You have to be the stable one for your children. They need you to literally hold down the fort. That's priority number one, in my opinion. Next, you stay strong and steady for yourself, at least outwardly. You fake it until you make it. Do the 180. You have 20 years of stability and a good life behind you with your WW and you need to keep your head up. Do it for yourself and for your children.

As the others are saying, if your WW sees that you are living your life without her, that is your best chance of waking her up. I would tell her you are filing for D and moving on without her. This may wake her up or not, but you have to understand that it won't hurt. Don't be afraid to take this step. Fear is your enemy here. Be the strong man who takes care of his children and does the right thing.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Please listen to the advice being given because from everything you've said you're approaching this situation entirely the wrong way. Hope things work out.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If your wife was cheating on a man and left you to live with him and then told you she did not want a divorce...what would you do?

This is ridiculous. She abandoned you and is living with another person and tells you she does not want a divorce. How idiotic is that?

Get a lawyer and proceed to divorce. You can always remarry later on in the future. What you are doing is allowing her to be a cake-eater. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

By the way her claim that she is not a lesbian or bisexual is ludicrous. It is like someone saying I am a vegetarian but I enjoy eating one type of steak only.

It is time for you to man up and stop being a doormat. Nobody respects a doormat. Good luck.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lawyer ASAP, don't tell a word untill the doks are lined up. Then serve her, no need for warning and dump the rest of her stuff at her love nest porch.
Go dark on her, hard 180, document everything.
Put a 110 % in becoming the best dad you can.
Hit the gym, socialize, fake it for a while.

I'm sorry she's such a selfish woman.


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## CoffeeKev (Aug 31, 2013)

davej said:


> Im so confused , hurt and so are my children . Please help i dont know what to do :-(


Man oh man... You know you, apparently she doesn't even know herself. Move on bro, she's gone. If my wife left me for another woman, first of all I would laugh. And then I would spend the rest of my life helping my son cope with it. It's easier to hug a child than it is to fix an adult. Your kids need you right now, forget about her. Do the paperwork, and be done with her.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Why are you and her "friends"? She abandoned you and her family. What has she done to merit your friendship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

At some point this has the potential to turn into two very angry women against you. I know it's not conceivable to you right now, but twice in my life I've known of guys where this happened and both times the lesbians made life h*ll for the guy. Get a separation agreement in place, sort out child custody NOW, get a lawyer to draw it up, get it as bullet proof as possible before the lesbian rage kicks in.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

davej said:


> We are still friends but i dearly and truly love her , i have even told her that you can never go to far to come back.


You can't be there for her unconditionally as you have been. You are just facilitating her affair by being a free babysitting service. You have to move on. She may realize what she is losing and come back, she may not. She may only realize it AFTER you are well on your way to divorce, or maybe even only AFTER you are divorced. She may NEVER realize it. YOU MUST MAKE PEACE WITH THIS. It is beyond your control.

Stop being her doormat, her babysitter. She is free to pursue romance whenever and wherever, you always must be with at least one of the kids. She is living in fantasy land, and you are facilitating it. She will NEVER get sick of this situation.

Sounds like she is keeping you on the hook by telling you such nice things, meanwhile she is treating you worse than her worst enemy. With friends like your wife, who needs enemies?

Here is a plan for you:

1. See an attorney. File for divorce. If the attorney tells you anything different than I post below, follow the attorney's advice. Look into proving adultery and abandonment. Look into obtaining child support and alimony. Look into actions to take against the other woman.

2. Tell your wife you BOTH have children, you BOTH need to take turns watching them. Work out a custody schedule. STICK TO IT, do not change it to help her out so she can socialize with her new toxic friends.

3. If you are financing your wife's lifestyle, stop it. Don't pay for her cell phone, internet access. You may have to provide for necessities. Your attorney will guide you.

4. Stop being friends. Talk only about the custody and welfare of the children and splitting up finances.

5. Do NOT tell her she can always come back any time she wants. Tell her you are moving on. Tell her she can ASK to come back and you will CONSIDER it.

Your wife has taken for granted that you always will be there for her, like you will always be there for your kids. Your relationship with your wife is different, it's not unconditional, it's conditioned upon her living up to her end of the vows.

Once she realizes you will not always be there for her, she will stop taking you for granted, and she may come back. No guarantees. But this is your best shot to get her back. It also helps you the most emotionally.

Just realize that you have been such a pushover, always giving your wife what she wants, even enabling her affair and telling her that no matter how badly she treats you and the kids, she can always come back, that she may not take you seriously. If you file for divorce, she may say, he's just bluffing, he will call it off. It may go right up until the final day before the divorce is final before she realizes you actually will go through with it. And she may never want to come back anyway. There are no guarantees.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> DaveJ, your wife is cheating on you. May I suggest you ask the moderators to move this thread to the CWI (Coping With Infidelity) forum? You will get focused advice from many who have sadly been in your shoes before.
> 
> *That being said you can't 'nice' your wife back.* She is leaving the door slightly open so you can be her back up plan. Living through that scenario will drag you through emotional hell and never works out. Why? Do you want to be plan b? You will resent her forever. She will drag this drama on for years with you and your children paying the price.
> 
> ...


Really? I speak as someone who did "nice" my wife back. Why? I knew no better, I suppose.

I also had a girl friend leave me for a woman, so I know a small amount of what you are going through.

Seek legal advice (solicitor/lawyer) just to make sure you know what your legal position is in case your wife takes the wrong sort of advice and gives you a good legal kicking.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

get an annulment. shes gay and married you under false pretenses.

print all her Facebook pics with her friend and gather as much evidence as you can. see a lawyer. change the locks and separate your finances.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

A friend of mine, a decorated fireman, retired within the last few years. His long time wife, befriended a female. They started hanging out. He thought she was fooling around when she went out with her friend. He complained so his wife said, you don't trust me so we will hang out here at home. All the signs of cheating. She becomes cold to him. He finds her and her new GF kissing. He contronts her. She denies it all and says they are just good friends. She then has this friend move in with them and totally ignores him. He became so confused. He knows what is going on yet because she keeps saying nothing is happening, the her GF is just a great friend. I told him to file for D. He refuses because he says he loves her and can't believe that she would be in love with a woman. His denial was almost beyond anything I ever saw. He would tell me things about what he sees his wife and this woman doing and then he would dismiss it and say, they aren't having sex.

File. Your wife has choosen a path that will not change. I have seen this more and more. Another friend of mine has two grown sons and his wife of almost 30 years left for another woman. They are now D. Her sons will not speak to her. Her sons are both ministers and this went against their religious views. 

Cheaters lie so you may never get the truth. She will become more entangled in this life style as this is all she is feeding right now.

You need to findit in your self to move on from this.

Your wife betrayed you and is being a huge cake eater.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

davej said:


> i have even told her that you can never go to far to come back.


Davej,

When a spouse is newly betrayed, they are in a fog of their own and prone to make mistakes - especially if their ultimate goal is to R with the WS. No one should blame you for making mistakes when you don't know better.

But posters here have pointed out to you clearly; that you can't leave a door open to a cheater while the A is ongoing, you can't give them a choice to come back in the future. That's called trying to nice her back to you. It *NEVER* works. In her eyes that makes you look exceedingly weak minded and even less attractive. So now you do know.

If you want a "chance" to R with her she has to receive significant consequences for what she has done. The first consequence is your ultimatum. She either ends the A and eliminates contact or you're heading straight to D. Then if she doesn't, you do what you say you're going to do. Sorry, but that's just the way it works.

If she agreed to do that, you'd have a starting point to "consider" R, but there would be additional consequences she would have to accept after that. However, there's no sense advising you on those other consequences until she accepts the first one. If she does, post again and you'll get good advice on the next steps,from people who have experienced what you're going through.

So, you've made a huge mistake; but it's not too late to correct it. If you don't, it's on you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Really? I speak as someone who did "nice" my wife back. Why? I knew no better, I suppose.


OK MattMatt,

I'll amend my comments to say "nicing your wife back" *ALMOST* never works. You're the first one I've ever heard say it did. Never the less - the advice still stands from my end.

And by the way, I hope that nicety didn't include leaving her an open door to come back in the midst of her A.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Chances are this didn't happen suddenly. She has known right along about her attraction to women, probably played around and has probably known her friend for more than two months.

My best friend was in the same situation. Married, couple of kids and his wife started acting strange. He felt there was another guy in the picture when his wife moved out. It was another woman.

She had known all her life she was attracted to women but got married because she came from a traditional Greek family and daughters get married to guys. She tried to keep it going for 15 years before she bailed.

Being a lesbian doesn't make what she or your wife did right, however you can probably rest assured you won't get back together. File for divorce but make it amicable for the kids.

BTW - My friend said that when he met his current wife he could not believe the difference in being loved by a straight woman. Look forward to that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

badmemory said:


> OK MattMatt,
> 
> I'll amend my comments to say "nicing your wife back" *ALMOST* never works. You're the first one I've ever heard say it did. Never the less - the advice still stands from my end.
> 
> And by the way, I hope that nicety didn't include leaving her an open door to come back in the midst of her A.


There are a couple of others on TAM whi did it. But it is not an easy thing to do. Especially if you don't know what you are doing, like me, back then!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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