# Sharing money



## Washington (Feb 11, 2019)

Im the husband I make 100K She Makes 50k... I own my house free and clear and both cars also.. I have put her name on my bank account and she has 100% access to it but she doesnt ever use it.. I pay all expenses and she occasionally pays for food.. She has her own bank account and my name is not on it and she wont join our money... I have talked to her several times to join our money but she never does and just ignores me.. I love her dearly but think this is an outrage.. 
I dont want to take serious action but i want our money joined. This has to stop.. Any input would be helpful.
I have been divorced 2 times prior and i know how to give ultimatums so dont think im a coward, Im not this is our only issue we get along amazing otherwise... thank you


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I would not advise any ultimatums. She won't join finances with you, just open a new bank account in your name only, and withdraw all the money from the joint.

As to having your money joined, fuhgedaboudit. Keep things as they are. You don't want to trust her if she won't join the accounts.

That's my $ .02


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Washington said:


> Im the husband I make 100K She Makes 50k... I own my house free and clear and both cars also.. I have put her name on my bank account and she has 100% access to it but she doesnt ever use it.. I pay all expenses and she occasionally pays for food.. She has her own bank account and my name is not on it and she wont join our money... I have talked to her several times to join our money but she never does and just ignores me.. I love her dearly but think this is an outrage..
> I dont want to take serious action but i want our money joined. This has to stop.. Any input would be helpful.
> I have been divorced 2 times prior and i know how to give ultimatums so dont think im a coward, Im not this is our only issue we get along amazing otherwise... thank you


This is something that you should have discussed and agreed on before you married. Personally I wouldn't marry a man who wouldn't have a joint account, because to me when you marry whatever you had before then belongs to both of you. I don't get this yours and mine idea at all.

However you clearly didn't agree on it before you married so not sure what you can do about it now. Its not my idea of marriage that's for sure.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with Diana7, this issue should have been decided before marriage. Take her off your joint account... if she wants to keep separate, then thats what she gets. I would be wondering what it is she's hiding.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Keep a joint account but have another with your name only on.

It's important to join finances, yes, as part of a healthy marriage. She isn't saying it but she feels good and appreciates the fact that you feel it's important to to so.

Don't doubt that.

You are the leader in some marriage components so lead, sounds like you're going so, good job!

If this isn't first marriage for both, it's not atypical that she wants a certain feeling of security of "her own money" to help her confidence. That's ok.

Don't dwell on it.

As time goes on certain protective activities will become more intertwined as your marriage gets some time behind it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Take her to a counselor/mediator to discuss the issue to see what can be resolved.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Washington said:


> she has 100% access to it but she doesnt ever use it..


so there shouldn't be a problem with you taking her name off.

I would be curious what is going on in the other account.

I'm not a good example for advice though because we have been joint account always.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you should begin by removing her name from your bank account.secondly, might i propose a joint checking account where she takes the same amount as you (monthly) to be used on household needs or dining ?

also how is your Will setup, does she get the house and what not? and why does she not have her own car where she is making the payments?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am never one for ultimatums. They only serve to increase the resentment. The sagest advice I could give, is to have a financial review. Do this with your accountant. If you do not have one, given your annual incomes, you really should get one. When I do such a review, I will question accounts that do not have a second name on them. I will ask what purpose that money serves. I am of the opinion that cash parked without going to work for the owner is essentially money wasted. I will not speculate on her account's purpose, but I would then say that if she wishes to segregate funds for a world ending exigency then we should re-visit expenditures for the household. I would then counsel you to remove her name from your account. I would then ask that you form a third joint account. On a monthly basis, she puts in her portion of expenses, and you do the same. This is generally when the rubber hits the road in meetings. And you are not the only husband that I have seen in this circumstance. I have had the "lower earner" say that their funds are for....vacations, cars, special expenses, however these funds for the most part have not been touched and are fairly large. One or two months of this, and the lower earner gets the message. 

Mingling of marital funds is a great way to keep both partners honest.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

How long have you been married and how many times has she been married previously? If there has been a lot of previous marriages, I could somewhat understand wanting to keep the money separate.

There should be some discussions about shared expenses. Since she wants to keep her money separate, then she should pay for her own expenses like clothes, cars, hobbies, etc. For things you pay for, you have total control. So if you pay for cable, you get to decide what channel package you get. If you need a car, you can just go out and get it without talking to her. Vacations should be split cost 50/50. If she starts saying you should pay more, then you can say she should join her accounts if she wants that.

You want to avoid getting into the situation where there's two piles of money: our money and her money. Make it clear that there's three piles: your money, her money, and our money. The our money pile should be as small as possible for the whatever is shared.


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## Washington (Feb 11, 2019)

This was discussed prior to our marriage and agreed.. this is our only issue. But I believe that where you put your money is where your heart truly resides... I can go get my own account but it doesn't solve this problem..


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" I have talked to her several times to join our money but she never does and just ignores me.. I love her dearly but think this is an outrage.. "
So she deflects the conversation or ignores it.
Then do what other suggest:
1) take her OFF your account
2) Create a 3rd account that is for joint/household bills -- tell her she has to make her share of the deposits to this account for joint bills from whatever source she wants, and if she does NOT then bills will start defaulting.
Does she have her own credit card, or is that joint also?

HAVE this conversation with her -- she needs to be financially responsible in the marriage as well as you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Washington said:


> I believe that where you put your money is where your heart truly resides...


I believe that, too. It is a biblical truth. It is true that your heart resides in your marriage, and your wife's heart only partially resides in her marriage.

And, you are correct, this is not a problem which can be solved by money.

I only encourage you to protect yourself and the payment for your necessities, for both of you, to separate the finances. @jlg07 has a good plan.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that unless there are unusual circumstances, joining money in marriage is the right answer. Trying to keep is separate leads to endless questions and stress / conflict.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree with @Taxman, of course. It seems easier and more professional to have a third person--accountant--review and establish new guidelines with a third account. Should this third account be only his and from now on the third account gets his check and then he makes deposit into their joint account for his portion of the expenses?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Washington said:


> This was discussed prior to our marriage and agreed.. this is our only issue. But I believe that where you put your money is where your heart truly resides... I can go get my own account but it doesn't solve this problem..


Agreed on what? That you should share all money? Or that you should keep it separate? Has she gone back on her word? If so then that needs challenging strongly. 

My husband's ex had her own account once she started working. She said it was for her, and their joint account was for both of them, very convenient.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I've known couples that are very successful with joint accounts and couples that are very successful with separate finances. I've also known couples that are financial disasters both ways. You can make either way work, but you guys have to agree to a method.

It sounds like your bigger problem is not whether the accounts are joint or separate but that there is an inequitable situation in which she views your earnings as household earnings and her earnings as her personal earnings.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Washington, 

This is relatively easy. 

1. There are no "magic words" to make her join finances. There isn't any special tip or trick that will make her voluntarily do what you want her to do. You've spoken to her about it, and she has shown you by her actions what her answer is: "No." So accept that answer. She will not voluntarily join finances. 

2. Just because she won't join finances or just have one "joint account" doesn't mean you two can't be financially responsible and successful. Many couples have entirely separate accounts, and some have a joint and separate accounts. So there are ways to still be personally responsible adults and a happily married couple. 

3. Just because she earns less doesn't mean she gets to "keep" all her money and use yours for all the bills associated with running a household. If she wants to keep her account, I recomment this:

Make a list of all the monthly bills
"The household" as a total makes $150k/annually--you contribute 2/3 and she contributes 1/3
Either divide all bills 2/3 yours and 1/3 hers...
OR divide bills such that you pay 2/3 of the total bills and she pays 1/3 of the total bills

As an example, if the heating bill in winter is $200/month and the cell bill is $100/month...
either you chip in $134 for the heat and $67 for the cell...and she chips in $66 for the heat and $33 for the cell
OR you pay the heat entirely and she pays the cell entirely


To my mind, the issue is not as much whether the bank accounts are "joint" or not (although I'd say that is ideal), but rather than your income is used exclusively to pay all household expenses, and her income is just used for whatever she wants. NOPE!!! In a personally responsible marriage, both parties contribute to their ability! If she wants separate accounts, that's fine, but she also get her portion of the bills toward which she needs to contribute!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Seems odd to me to have separate accounts when you're married. There are couples who do that here in Oz, but they're in the minority. 

When I moved in with my husband, and was still working I had my pay put into his account, because that's where all the household bills were paid from - I had full access to the account too. We now have a joint account, we finally got around to getting one rofl. We also have an account in my name only, which was set up when we sold my old house. I didn't want his ex wife being able to make a cash grab so I was adamant it was not going into our joint or his account. He has full access to this account, withdraws from/deposits into it, both online and at the bank. I would never withhold that info from him, nor he I. I am my husbands second wife, he is my first and only husband.

There's more going on here than finances...sounds like she has trust issues with you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How bizarre.

My in-laws do this. They have been married over 20 years and are in their 70s. It is freaking weird when they are always splitting the check when the four of us are at dinner, or when one decides to “treat” the other. H and I are always like...bizarre!!!!! We married middle age, lots of possessions between us, and just added each other to everything from bank accounts to houses and cars.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I have another viewpoint- I made about twice as much money as h when we first got married.
He was a hard worker and I never cared about the difference in income. 

We had a joint account for about 10 years-I am not high maintenance nor am I irresponsible with money.
He is a saver and is very careful with money. 

I did however have an issue with him going over ever penny that I spent and questioning me on it- I expressed this several times and said if he continues I'll make our accounts separate- he continued and I got a separate account.

We divided expenses up fairly easily and although he didn't like it he now never questions me on why I needed a pedicure when I'd had one 3 months ago- or was it really necessary to go to such an expensive hair salon ( 3x a year)

I think he got used to it and since I'm very generous with my money he doesn't seem to mind most of the time.
Different strokes....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Spicy said:


> How bizarre.
> 
> My in-laws do this. They have been married over 20 years and are in their 70s. It is freaking weird when they are always splitting the check when the four of us are at dinner, or when one decides to “treat” the other. H and I are always like...bizarre!!!!! We married middle age, lots of possessions between us, and just added each other to everything from bank accounts to houses and cars.


That is beyond weird...wow :surprise:


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## Regalpair275 (Jan 3, 2016)

Yeah, my wife and I went through the same. We had a joint account, she had an individual account. I had to open my own individual account when I saw large sums of money being moved from the joint account into hers.
She said she was only doing that to pay bills out of her account and I never accused her of anything different.
I just felt much better having control of my cash.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

This is your third marriage. What about your wife? Maybe some deep insecurity caused by something in the past? Does she spend her money on anything,or does she just nest egg it?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Washington said:


> This was discussed prior to our marriage and agreed.. this is our only issue. But *I believe* that where you put your money is where your heart truly resides... I can go get my own account but it doesn't solve this problem..


What does she believe?


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