# after 19 years and I want to leave



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Hi, looking for some outside input.

I have been with my husband for 19 years and I want to leave. We do not have kids, we do not fight, he is not mean to me. I just don't love him. I have zero sexual desire for him. I do do things with him to make him happy, but all I am thinking is hurry up and lets get this over with (and the sooner the better). (talking sex here) No, I have not discussed this with him. I told him years ago that I didn't like sex at night as I couldn't stand the smell, so sex in the morning before I showered was the only option. Now I find I am getting up really early, if nothing else but to avoid him in case he wants to do something... 

A friend told me to think of my past and of my future. I have thought of the past and remember early on in our relationship when I wanted to break up with him, but didn't as I couldn't look him in the eye and hurt him. I also remember when he popped the question. We were sitting in the car and he told me to close my eyes. I heard the tell tale sign of the jewelry box opening and remember thinking 'oh crap'. But, stupid me said yes. (we had discussed marriage prior to this and we both had decided to get married.). I have thought of my future and I want to be genuinely happy. I have had a recent friend tell me that my husband and I are one of the happiest couples he has met... I told my friend that just because it looks good on the outside doesn't mean it is good on the inside....

So, I have made up my mind and I will be telling him I want a divorce. 

So, I am hoping for some outside input. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong? Is lack of attraction to my husband justifiable reason to want a divorce? (we met when I was in high school)....

Please reply!


----------



## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

bluedog said:


> Hi, looking for some outside input.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 19 years and I want to leave. We do not have kids, we do not fight, he is not mean to me. I just don't love him. I have zero sexual desire for him. I do do things with him to make him happy, but all I am thinking is hurry up and lets get this over with (and the sooner the better). (talking sex here) No, I have not discussed this with him. I told him years ago that I didn't like sex at night as I couldn't stand the smell, so sex in the morning before I showered was the only option. Now I find I am getting up really early, if nothing else but to avoid him in case he wants to do something...
> 
> ...


Before you drop this on him-as someone who at one point did something similar- I urge you to explore with a therapist your feelings. Finding why you don't have a desire for him and what you want out of him, life, love, you, etc. good luck.


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

He deserves to be wanted and loved. You talk about him as if he is a good guy but you just don't want him.

There are a lot of women who would give their right arm to to have a decent & faithful man. 

How are you going to feel after you divorce when you see him with his new woman and she is holding onto his arm and looking into his eyes, as if she was the happiest woman in the world??


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

I may be jealous, but he also deserves someone who makes him completely happy.


----------



## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

A telltale sign here is that you didn't really find him attractive from the start of your relationship (it appears). I don't believe in mistakes, only lessons you learn from.
You deserve to know the love of a man and to feel love back to a man. Go and find it without guilt.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

LiamN said:


> A telltale sign here is that you didn't really find him attractive from the start of your relationship (it appears). I don't believe in mistakes, only lessons you learn from.
> You deserve to know the love of a man and to feel love back to a man. Go and find it without guilt.


Thanks for the words. I can't describe how they make me feel. But, I still feel so guilty......


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Maybe you could take a family member or two and get on a cruse ship for a couple of weeks and get away from him.

When you you come back you may have missed him and care for him more than you realized.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

bluedog said:


> Hi, looking for some outside input.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 19 years and I want to leave. We do not have kids, we do not fight, he is not mean to me. I just don't love him. I have zero sexual desire for him. I do do things with him to make him happy, but all I am thinking is hurry up and lets get this over with (and the sooner the better). (talking sex here) No, I have not discussed this with him. I told him years ago that I didn't like sex at night as I couldn't stand the smell, so sex in the morning before I showered was the only option. Now I find I am getting up really early, if nothing else but to avoid him in case he wants to do something...
> 
> ...


Is there anyone else in the picture? Like maybe this 'friend'?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bluedog said:


> Hi, looking for some outside input.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 19 years and I want to leave. We do not have kids, we do not fight, he is not mean to me. I just don't love him. I have zero sexual desire for him. I do do things with him to make him happy, but all I am thinking is hurry up and lets get this over with (and the sooner the better). (talking sex here) No, I have not discussed this with him. I told him years ago that I didn't like sex at night as I couldn't stand the smell, so sex in the morning before I showered was the only option. Now I find I am getting up really early, if nothing else but to avoid him in case he wants to do something...
> 
> A friend told me to think of my past and of my future. I have thought of the past and remember early on in our relationship when I wanted to break up with him, but didn't as I couldn't look him in the eye and hurt him. I also remember when he popped the question. We were sitting in the car and he told me to close my eyes. I heard the tell tale sign of the jewelry box opening and remember thinking 'oh crap'. But, stupid me said yes. (we had discussed marriage prior to this and we both had decided to get married.). I have thought of my future and I want to be genuinely happy. I have had a recent friend tell me that my husband and I are one of the happiest couples he has met... I told my friend that just because it looks good on the outside doesn't mean it is good on the inside....


I feel so remarkable bad for your husband. How sad that he’s gone through 19 years with a wife who did not want to be his wife. You really do need to own up to your dishonesty in this and how you have harmed him.

Have you been a SAHW through all of this? Or do you have a job outside the home?



bluedog said:


> So, I have made up my mind and I will be telling him I want a divorce.


Good. The sooner you set him free the kinder it is to him.



bluedog said:


> So, I am hoping for some outside input. Am I being selfish?


No you are not being selfish. Setting him free from a wife who has really had not desire for him and really did not want to be married to him to start with is not selfish, it’s the right thing to do.

Sadly he will probably be devastated and wonder where he went wrong. I really feel badly for your husband. How horrible to have wasted 19 years of his life on someone who felt as you do about him. He did not deserve this.


bluedog said:


> Am I wrong?


No, you are not wrong. It’s the only way you can even start to undue to harm you did in marrying him.



bluedog said:


> Is lack of attraction to my husband justifiable reason to want a divorce? (we met when I was in high school)....


If your lack of attraction was a new thing then I would say that you should first do things to rebuild your attraction to him. Passion can be rebuilt in a marriage.

But since you say you never had any attraction to him to start with, yes your lack of attraction to him is justifiable for divorcing him.

I hope that you do not try to take him to the cleaners in a divorce after you took 19 years of his life from him by marrying him when you really were not attracted to him and were really not keen on marrying him to start with. 

I am so saddened for your husband. Cannot imagine the pain he will feel to find this all out.


----------



## PanchoVilla (Jun 2, 2012)

bluedog said:


> Thanks for the words. I can't describe how they make me feel. But, I still feel so guilty......


How "they may me feel" I may be missing something...who made you feel guilty? are you sure you are telling the whole thing? Is there somebody else in the picture?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

mel123 said:


> Maybe you could take a family member or two and get on a cruse ship for a couple of weeks and get away from him.
> 
> When you you come back you may have missed him and care for him more than you realized.


I am just at the end of a 2 week trip visiting friends and family. And I don't find myself missing him.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

jfv said:


> Is there anyone else in the picture? Like maybe this 'friend'?


lol, no, he has been a friend for years. I consider him like a brother.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I feel so remarkable bad for your husband. How sad that he’s gone through 19 years with a wife who did not want to be his wife. You really do need to own up to your dishonesty in this and how you have harmed him.
> 
> Have you been a SAHW through all of this? Or do you have a job outside the home?
> 
> ...


What is a SAHW? Stay at home wife? We both have careers, so it is not liked I have mooched off of him for the last 19 years! I own my own company and I do quite fine with that.

I just needed some outside input, whether I agree with it or not. (and thanks to everyone who has replied) 

I grew up being the person that also tries to do what is right because that is what everyone else expected. Well, everyone expected us to get married, I didn't want to disappoint them. He wanted to marry me, I didn`t want to disappoint him either. I was never the person that thought of me first, I also thought of the others around me, tried to make others happy. I thought if they thought it was right, then it must be. Please don't assume that I am blaming others. I was young, he has my first, I didn't know anything different. I know some people are going to shake their heads at this but well, it is too late to turn back time and I want to make this 'right'. 

Oh, and I would NEVER take him 'to the cleaners'. What we have now we build together, and I greatly respect that. The thought to take him 'to the cleaners' hadn't even crossed my mind, and will not happen.


----------



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Just be glad there are no kids in the picture.

If this is truly how you feel, then I say get divorced. You wouldn't be doing either of you any favors by staying and being unhappy. Maybe you'll both find happiness with someone else.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

PanchoVilla said:


> How "they may me feel" I may be missing something...who made you feel guilty? are you sure you are telling the whole thing? Is there somebody else in the picture?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me made me feel guilty. No, there is no one else. 

I did a lot of searching on the internet looking for stories and help and advice with someone in the same situation as me. It is very hard to find. Anything I did find said that after that many years you should just stay together. Or they said that after having kids the lack of attraction is normal after childbirth. We don`t have kids, so that doesn`t apply. (and of course, I don`t have kids so I have no idea if the statement is correct) 

So after reading story after story to say to stay together, and whereas I don`t, it made me feel quilty. Not sure if you understand. Then I stumbled upon this forum and decided to post a thread.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have been with my wife for about 20 years now. Several years into our relationship, we split for a while. We wern't married then. She even moved 4 hours away with a friend. We both dated other people and I had fun dating again. As I told my wife (then x-gf) about some of my dates. I think she became a little jealous and came back after 6 months. I kind of wish she didn't come back. I don't feel she is attracted to me or desires me. To a degree, I feel little desire toward her.

Do I want to throw away 20 years?

Can I find somebody who desires me and me them?

Will I be able to not see my daughter every day?

I don't know the answer to any of that.

I would never tell her I was never really attracted to her.

I would be devastated if my wife told me she was never attracted or desired me all these years. 


Most of our friends think we are a very happy couple. My wife is my best friend and I would hate to lose that.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Bluedog, let me guess how marriage went for you. You never communicated any of your feelings - ever - to your husband this entire time. You let him continue to go about the marriage doing the same things that may have grated on you and you smiled at him and lied through your teeth about everything being perfect - or at least that you had no complaints. Is that right? 

If so, then that's terrible. So if you never felt love for this man - ever - then you basically robbed him of some of his best years. In the meantime you cheated yourself out of happiness too. So why did you marry him in the first place? Can't say no to anyone who you feel sorry for?


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Bluedog, the challenge you have is to tell your husband with as little hurt as possible.

If you stay a while on this forum, you will find many many people in the same boat.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> I have been with my wife for about 20 years now. Several years into our relationship, we split for a while. We wern't married then. She even moved 4 hours away with a friend. We both dated other people and I had fun dating again. As I told my wife (then x-gf) about some of my dates. I think she became a little jealous and came back after 6 months. I kind of wish she didn't come back. I don't feel she is attracted to me or desires me. To a degree, I feel little desire toward her.
> 
> Do I want to throw away 20 years?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. It sounds like our situation is very similar and I appreciate you sharing with me. I don`t want to devastate him, and you last sentence totally hits home. But, it will be up to him if he can forgive me enough to continue to be friends... If he doesn`t, then I respect that.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Bluedog, let me guess how marriage went for you. You never communicated any of your feelings - ever - to your husband this entire time. You let him continue to go about the marriage doing the same things that may have grated on you and you smiled at him and lied through your teeth about everything being perfect - or at least that you had no complaints. Is that right?
> 
> If so, then that's terrible. So if you never felt love for this man - ever - then you basically robbed him of some of his best years. In the meantime you cheated yourself out of happiness too. So why did you marry him in the first place? Can't say no to anyone who you feel sorry for?


ouch.... I guess I deserved that...


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hindsite is always 20/20 bluedog. I would never say that my wife robbed me of the best years of my life. We never know what would have been without the experience of our spouse. So why go there?

For me, my wife kept me out of the bars and helped to make me the man I am today...No regrets! 

We don't have to walk in your shoes Bluedog.

I don't believe you cheated him our yourself out of finding love. I hear that all the time on TAM. It is what it is. Just move forward without creating a battlefield.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> *Bluedog, the challenge you have is to tell your husband with as little hurt as possible.*
> 
> If you stay a while on this forum, you will find many many people in the same boat.


Disagree. The biggest challenge is for bluedog to be as truthful and upfront with her husband as possible. He deserves to know the truth. No more fantasies, no more lies. Sugar coating it will end up being deceit through omission. 

Her duty is for her to do her absolute best to equip her husband with as much knowledge as possible so that he can do a better job with the next woman that comes into his life. She owes him that much...


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> *Hindsite is always 20/20 bluedog. I would never say that my wife robbed me of the best years of my life. We never know what would have been without the experience of our spouse. So why go there?*
> 
> For me, my wife kept me out of the bars and helped to make me the man I am today...No regrets!
> 
> ...


There is no hindsight here. She married the guy despite her not wanting to do so out of a "moral obligation". In her own words: 



> Well, everyone expected us to get married, I didn't want to disappoint them. He wanted to marry me, I didn`t want to disappoint him either.


The right choice would have been for her to say no when the question was first asked. Later in the thread, she even talked about how bad she felt when she knew the proposal was coming. IMHO, I don't think the OP ever gave this marriage a chance. She may think she did, but I think she really didn't because IMHO - and this is just a guess - that in order to not rock the boat she never told her husband how to improve himself so that her love for him could have grown. He lived a lie this entire time.


----------



## Faith-Hope-Love (Mar 4, 2011)

Bluedog,

Think about what life will be like after the divorce. My guess is that you will wind up alone. How will you answer a new boyfriend's question about why your marriage failed? Your lifelong habits of meeting others' expectations and not wanting to disappoint? That will make a thinking man run away. And you'll probably be dissatisfied with any man who finds such an answer attractive.

Your lifelong habits won't change easily. 

My advice to you is to let your husband know you are unhappy (because he probably doesn't know). Get marriage counseling, preferably from a Gottman Method certified counselor.


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Disagree. The biggest challenge is for bluedog to be as truthful and upfront with her husband as possible. He deserves to know the truth. No more fantasies, no more lies. Sugar coating it will end up being deceit through omission.
> 
> Her duty is for her to do her absolute best to equip her husband with as much knowledge as possible so that he can do a better job with the next woman that comes into his life. She owes him that much...


I'm afraid I disagree.

Bluedog - I don't care why you got married, I'm assuming you must have liked the other-half at some point and assumed that would be alright. I can give you some advice right now - SUGAR COATING is good within limits. 

There simply isn't any good way to deliver bad news, so what's the point of crushing his spirit in the name of truth? What does that serve?

My advice is:
Be firm. Be fair. And be truthful. It can be a kindness to conceal some of the truth. BUT! Don't lie.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

If I take your initial post as completely truthful, then it is very sad indeed. You state that you said oh crap to yourself as he was expressing his undying love to you. You agreed, not sure why, but seems you didn't want to hurt his feelings? So you have remained married to him for 19 years in an unloved situation, where the mere thought of him wanting to make love to you is distasteful. 

Do you deserve to be happy? Absolutely, however I do ask that you ask yourself if you may not be rewriting marital history and have really only been unhappy for a shorter period of time. If that is the case then I would advise you to consider marriage counseling before you make any legal decisions.

Only you know the real truth here, so have a serious conversation with yourself. If you are set on divorce then understand he is going to be devastated and is going to try and talk you out of this decision. IF you really have never loved this man, then you know what you have to do, pull off that Band-Aid quickly.


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

This story kind of hits home because I think the initial post could have somewhat been made my soon to be ex-wife. In my case, at some point in the past year she asked me about why we initially got married and I indicated it wasn't due to physical attraction (which it really wasn't...) At the same time she was losing a lot of weight and becoming much more aware of her own self, so it just snowballed from there along with other latent issues, most of which I think are in any marriage. 

I'm one of those guys that believe honesty is the best policy but the whole idea of white lies and sugar coating, eh, may have been better. Even if I confronted the nature of the physical attraction I should have dealt with it better rather than lay all my cards on the table. 

That said, being like the husband in the situation, I'd still like to know the truth. It's 19 years, but it's also another day you are adding on every day you wait. He can also start over and I think you owe that to him. I wish I could get back even a few more days of the 14 years I feel I wasted. Also, in your case, I think you should at least consider therapy and counseling, because I don't know if you're convinced. In my case, the wife was convinced by the time she told me, and that led to several weeks of futility while I tried to grapple with the situation. If she had told me early on, when she had these thoughts like you do, then we could have tried counseling both with an open mind. It may, and likely would have, ended on the same result. But at least then staying together would at least be an option - by the time I knew it never was.


----------



## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Consider you are not remembering everything exactly the way it actually was. Read over as many cards or letters you wrote him over the years. 

You seem almost inhuman in that you did not admit to any desires or inappropriate relationships in 19 years while maintaining a marriage with a man you never desired. 

You really need to stay peeling away all of the layers of carpeting that you have laid down on top of your issues. You need to find a counselor who is going to force you to confront your demons. Do it for yourself. You can bury your head in your business but in the end it will mean nothing.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

caladan said:


> I'm afraid I disagree.
> 
> Bluedog - I don't care why you got married, I'm assuming you must have liked the other-half at some point and assumed that would be alright. I can give you some advice right now - SUGAR COATING is good within limits.
> 
> ...


His spirit is going to be crushed regardless of how the news is delivered. As you pointed out, there is no good way to deliver this news. Also I'm sure that the husband is no dummy either, and he will know if he is being patronized by his blushing bride - which would be apparent via sugar coating the news.


----------



## crosshatch (Oct 17, 2012)

Bluedog, Your situation sounds very familiar to me. After a 19 year relationship (9 year marriage) my wife finally admitted she was not attracted to me 3 months ago. There are slight differences - she told me she had felt this way for the last 4/5 years (not the whole time) but like you she never told me in that time and did everything she could to keep me happy so I never knew there was a problem. Again all our friends and family thought we were the perfect couple although they have admitted now they were wondering why we never had kids. (She kept putting this off and saying there was plenty of time - I am 37 now and whilst I have happily waited over the years she knew I was keen.) 

When she finally ended it she woke me up one morning and blurted it out to me and after 19 years we split that same day. I will forever be gutted that we never had the chance to work at our relationship together. It feels to me (although obviously not to her) that after 19 happy years our lives together and future dreams were just switched off like a light switch.
At this point I should state that 18 months ago she started running with a man who she met as part of a group at the local fitness centre. I was worried about this but she assured me there was no attraction between them so I trusted her -after 18 years and what I felt was a good strong relationship I felt she had earned my trust. (Stupid I know!) On the day she broke up with me she revealed the other man had told her a few days before that he was in love with her and she had realised she had feelings for him which was the final straw that prompted the breakup with me although she promises it is not the actual reason - only that she feels she could not have developed feelings for someone else if she truly loved me.

3 months on I find that looking back I can see now that my wife never properly returned the affection that I showed her and that I was getting more and more desperate with my efforts to try and make myself attractive to her. Like yourself I considered her to be my best friend and when we split she said she would like us to remain friends. When I look back on our relationship all I can see are lies and `fake` happiness (especially in the last 5 years) - we had a holiday as recently as July which was just the two of us and I felt was so romantic - all friends still say now we were both glowing and so happy when we returned home from this. When I brought this up she said in her mind we were just best friends having a nice time. What a joke!!

In summary though after 3 months and lots of support from friends and family I can say I do feel better about things. I even feel that a friendship relationship with her might have been hard but possible in time had no other man been involved so maybe that is also possible for both of you. The other man will always be the main issue with me, the wasted time and fake happiness does really hurt (and maybe 19 years of unhappiness is a lot worse than 4/5) but maybe like me your husband will eventually also realise things havent been right and at least be grateful for the chance to find happiness now. I know that is what I wish for!


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

crosshatch said:


> all friends still say now we were both glowing and so happy when we returned home from this. When I brought this up she said in her mind we were just best friends having a nice time. What a joke!!


Wow. another one that hits close to home. Crosshatch, I feel I can honestly say I feel your pain. I too bring up moments where I thought we were just happy and she writes it off the same way -- just 'best friends'. Well, I really wanted to be best friends with my wife. Like you, I think my wife's interest was taken away by another man, and like you, she'll say its not because of that -- but I'm not that dumb, either. I also was given the 'we can be friends' option but I too declined that option. 

So I'll repeat what crosshatch is saying as the possibly clueless husband in the relationship; please tell him SOON. Give him (and you) a chance to mend the relationship (if you are still at that point). But most importantly, stop the fake life. It's not good for either of you. 

PS While my original post indicated 14 years of marriage and maybe all bad, really, it was about 4-5 years ago when we started drifting, and about 1 year ago where she drifted to another man. I wish I at least had that year back.


----------



## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Were taking over this thread. lol. Mine was over a meaningless 2 years that saw a child come into the world. So I dont have it so bad I guess. It still hurt like no pain i've ever felt. Being told that you were never loved, that it was all a sham, and the finale being told I could lose a few pounds (I was 5"9 and 162lbs guys/gals.) was incredibly hurtful. (In retrospect, I weighed 195lbs when we met and around 175lbs when we married.) 

So my advice would be this. Whatever you do, dont tell your s2bxh as he fills out the paperwork that next time he should make sure the woman actually loves him before marrying her. This is an example where sugar coating SHOULD be applied. That is all.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

When I married my wife, we were best friends. Part of me loved her enough to at least try. We never had real passion and sex was never that great. Again, she was my best friend and I didn't want to lose that and 20 years later I still don't want to lose that.

Is it better to love or be loved? I thought I could just learn to love my wife more or that over time, the Love would grow stronger and even after a child, that never happened. I don't know any different. I was never passionately in love with anybody. What is sad is that my wife may feel the same way asa I do and we are both fearful of hurrting each other.


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Yup. My wife (yesterday, when bitterly contesting me introducing her as that despite our divorce not being final yet) reminds me every time possible how there was no passion, whatever (see my own thread for more details). And she wonders why I just don't want to talk to her anymore, because what's the point of continuously being told "you suck". 

Already Gone: my nick refers to the fact that I generally viewed marriage as 'devotion' and 'commitment' not the classic sense of 'love' or desire. I don't know what the future holds for me either -- I too thought that was enough and that we could build on that foundation.. but not enough for the soon to be ex wife.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

no worries on taking over this thread! At least I know now that I am not alone in how I feel.... No, that doesn't make it easier... Waiting for company to leave so I can take to husband....


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> Hindsite is always 20/20 bluedog. I would never say that my wife robbed me of the best years of my life. We never know what would have been without the experience of our spouse. So why go there?
> 
> For me, my wife kept me out of the bars and helped to make me the man I am today...No regrets!
> 
> ...


Thanks.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Faith-Hope-Love said:


> Bluedog,
> 
> Think about what life will be like after the divorce. My guess is that you will wind up alone. How will you answer a new boyfriend's question about why your marriage failed? Your lifelong habits of meeting others' expectations and not wanting to disappoint? That will make a thinking man run away. And you'll probably be dissatisfied with any man who finds such an answer attractive.
> 
> ...


counseling will be an option.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

caladan said:


> I'm afraid I disagree.
> 
> Bluedog - I don't care why you got married, I'm assuming you must have liked the other-half at some point and assumed that would be alright. I can give you some advice right now - SUGAR COATING is good within limits.
> 
> ...


I have no intentions to lie to him


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I am a man who was in the same position as your husband. I worked hard, was faithful and 100% committed to the idea of marriage. Yet, I always had 1% of me that just felt like something was not right about my wife's feelings toward me.

When she finally confessed her PA and we talked I realized she just married the wrong person "Me". It really, really hurt to hear and realize this.

Yet as time went by and my emotions settled a bit I began to realize that my wife handed the "keys" to my life back. I began to challenge and change some of my core values. I became a better new version of me. Guess who now finds me so handsome, sexy, interesting and impossible to live without?

Kindly hand the "keys" to your husband's life back to him and set him free.


----------



## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

bluedog do keep us updated on how things went.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

tamii said:


> bluedog do keep us updated on how things went.


I will


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> I am a man who was in the same position as your husband. I worked hard, was faithful and 100% committed to the idea of marriage. Yet, I always had 1% of me that just felt like something was not right about my wife's feelings toward me.
> 
> When she finally confessed her PA and we talked I realized she just married the wrong person "Me". It really, really hurt to hear and realize this.
> 
> ...


Do you ever entertain going back to that woman? Or did she burn that bridge so much that you never go back? 

I'm just curious because your story gives me hope, as I do want to be a better person, both myself and in future relationships. I have no idea if that will make me more attractive to my soon to be ex-wife -- and not sure it really matters -- but just curious on how YOU feel now that it did. 

bluedog, good luck. Hope you see the underlying theme is -- tell him so both of you can move on ASAP if that's the right option.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

well, I got home and we talked. I told him I wasn't happy, and yeah, he isn't either. He actually said that before I left on my trip he was wanted to ask for a divorce... But, with me being gone he came to the realization that he was lonely and that we have a good life together. 

Jumping ahead to today - We went to a marriage counselor today and he did say the same to her. But, the things he talked about were material.... No word of loving me.. just that he was happy with our lifestyle.... happy with had we had etc. I honestly think that he doesn't love me, and just won't admit it or let go....

Back to our talks. We talked more in those 2-3 days then we did in 19 years. We mentioned things to each other that the other did etc.. He informed me that in 2006 we went 4 months with no sex (that was the longest). I honestly don't remember that. Then I recall a memory that I had buried so deep that I had forgotten about it until yesterday. Well, that memory hit me like a frieght train.... It was in 2005, I was in desperate need of him and (as the counselor discribed it), he abondended me. I was so devasated when that happened, I am was shocked I had I buried it so far.... 

But, in the meantime we also discovered that our sex life has been pretty much none existant since before 2005.

And, well, after talking with him and discussing things, I honestly have to say/think that yes, I did love him.... 

So, after my discovery of my memory yesterday, being in so much hurt, I build my wall up higher... He told me that if we didn't have the appointment today that we would have left last night.... (to a friends for a week.). Oh, and on the way to the appointment today he was talking about me keeping the house, and us selling a bunch of the other stuff... 

The feedback from the counsellro was that she was pretty sure that I wanted to leave, but there was a glimmer of me wanting to stay (I asked later about what she figured the glimmer of me wanted to stay being 1 - I showed up to the appointment, and 2 - I was very emotional.) (I had promised my husband that I woiuld try - that is why I went to the appointment).

ANyhow, we got home, he left to stay with a friend for a while....

Anyhow, he left after the appointment today...

So, I have what I want for a while - to be alone...


----------



## crosshatch (Oct 17, 2012)

Hey bluedog, just wanted to say I feel your emotion and pain. Sounds like you have been and are still going through a tough and confusing time - as stated before, my situation is slightly different as when my wife had `the chat` with me I had absolutely no idea beforehand and was still very much in love with her. She would not consider counselling (because of the EA I suppose) so I will always wonder if we may have found some memory like yourself or something that she has buried deep that started off our problems - guess now nearly 4 months on because she decided she `wasnt brave enough to tell me` I will never know. 
What I would like to say is that although our situations are different the one thing that has really helped me get through this is support from friends and family. I was in total shock when my wife dropped the bombshell and my instinctive reaction (and I realise this wouldnt be everybodys) was to reach out to and tell all my closest family and friends everything (and I mean everything) within the first few days. Their reaction and unconditional love and support has been amazing - without them there is no way I would be feeling as positive about life as I do now so I would advise you to get as much support as you can. 
At the time friends told me time was a great healer and they were right, but their support, friendship and kindness has helped make life that much easier as time does its healing! Take care.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

crosshatch said:


> Hey bluedog, just wanted to say I feel your emotion and pain. Sounds like you have been and are still going through a tough and confusing time - as stated before, my situation is slightly different as when my wife had `the chat` with me I had absolutely no idea beforehand and was still very much in love with her. She would not consider counselling (because of the EA I suppose) so I will always wonder if we may have found some memory like yourself or something that she has buried deep that started off our problems - guess now nearly 4 months on because she decided she `wasnt brave enough to tell me` I will never know.
> What I would like to say is that although our situations are different the one thing that has really helped me get through this is support from friends and family. I was in total shock when my wife dropped the bombshell and my instinctive reaction (and I realise this wouldnt be everybodys) was to reach out to and tell all my closest family and friends everything (and I mean everything) within the first few days. Their reaction and unconditional love and support has been amazing - without them there is no way I would be feeling as positive about life as I do now so I would advise you to get as much support as you can.
> At the time friends told me time was a great healer and they were right, but their support, friendship and kindness has helped make life that much easier as time does its healing! Take care.


I have phoned the marriage cousellor we saw yesterday to see if she will see me again alone...


----------



## Faith-Hope-Love (Mar 4, 2011)

bluedog said:


> well, I got home and we talked. I told him I wasn't happy, and yeah, he isn't either. ... We went to a marriage counselor today and he did say the same to her. But, the things he talked about were material.... No word of loving me. ... I honestly think that he doesn't love me, and just won't admit it or let go.


Give it time, Bluedog. The two of you are just starting to talk. Let the conversation continue for a while before judging him. He needs time to figure out what he feels. And you do, too. After all, you you've been thinking for a long time that you never loved your husband, but now write:



> And, well, after talking with him and discussing things, I honestly have to say/think that yes, I did love him....


So there is love for the two of you to recapture.



> The feedback from the counsellro was that she was pretty sure that I wanted to leave, but there was a glimmer of me wanting to stay (I asked later about what she figured the glimmer of me wanted to stay being 1 - I showed up to the appointment, and 2 - I was very emotional.)


Counselors are human and act on the judgments they make. This one is leaning toward believing you want to leave. So she may subconsciously try to move you in that direction. Please talk to her about that. It's too early in the process for her to conclude anything, and so her default position should be that the two of you want to stay together (because you haven't explicitly stated otherwise). That is the goal she should be working toward until you, her clients, conclude differently.



> ANyhow, we got home, he left to stay with a friend for a while....


You can't work on your relationship if you are apart. Tell him to come back home.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

i was talking to someone and he told me that he had thought about leaving his wife many times, but then wondered about what she would do if he left. that got him to thinking that if he was worried about her if they divorced, then that must mean that he still loves her. after over 45 years they are still together. what is everyones thoughts on that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bluedog said:


> i was talking to someone and he told me that he had thought about leaving his wife many times, but then wondered about what she would do if he left. that got him to thinking that if he was worried about her if they divorced, then that must mean that he still loves her. after over 45 years they are still together. what is everyones thoughts on that?


In a long term marriage, people do not feel madly in love very day. There are periods of time then it's just not there. Then it comes back. It's most likely to come back if there is communication, a willingness to look at one's own faults and to make the necessary changes within one's self. The biggest indicator on whether or not a couple makes it through the ups and downs of marriage is their commitment to not divorce and work through any challenge that comes their way.

His choice is a valid choice. It’s apparently the one he feels is best for him. He still cares about her. Caring about a person at that level is very much what love is about. While butterflies and being horny are a good thing in marriage, its’ not the main thing that marriage is about.


----------



## bluedog (Nov 25, 2012)

Hi everyone. I thought that I should give an update on what myself and my husband are doing... I want a divorce, he doesn't.... We can't discuss us because as soon as I voice my thoughts and feelings the conversations turn bad... So, we have decided to take a break from each other. The length of the break is still unknown.... 1 month, 2 months.... We have set a date in the future to discuss us though and to see how things go..... I know that some people will disagree with what we are doing, but the more we see each other right now, the more resentment that is building between us.....


----------

