# This may be a "Love Languages" issue.



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

It occurred to me that I've been mistaken in my belief that I'm "doing so much more than my H" for our relationship.

What I'm doing is *different* than what he's doing.
I'm reading more, trying to converse more, trying to "fix" more, crying more, gnashing my teeth more, and it SEEMS like I'm reflecting and self-examining more (but I could be wrong).

But here's what he's been doing over the past few weeks:
making money, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, cleaning the apartment, spending time with my family, spending time with me, bringing home movies I like, being happy for me when I get good news.

I'm picking up the challenge of "giving without the fear of not getting." (I'm a long way from this not being a "challenge.")

So this afternoon I showered, put on lingerie (which my H has mentioned I never bother wearing), and cooked dinner in it, which was ready by the time he got home from work. He was happy to come home to see me cooking dinner in pink lace.

He announced, "Here's my peace offering" and handed me a giant box of my favorite cookies, and gave me a hug and kiss.

As for Love Languages...ours are very different. We currently are not meeting each other's needs, or making each other "feel loved" in the language we need. 

What I've been doing is trying to "get" him to love my in my language. 
It's reasonable to want to be loved in my love language. BUT I'm not likely to receive that love if I "try to get it."

So instead of trying to "get," today I focused on "giving" him love in HIS language (um, sex and food  just kidding)

I know that working on myself (probably with individual therapy) will help me work through the things that have been getting in my way, and they could help my relationship.

I truly do not know if my husband will ever be able to love me in my language and meet my needs, or if I'll be able to do that for him. But we stand a better chance of getting to a mutual place, if each of us tries to DO that for the other, rather than get the OTHER person to do it. So yes, I fell again, and I'm getting back up...again.

I asked him, "What makes you feel loved?"
His answer: 
"Lots of things. Going with the flow. Being appreciated."
Well, maybe I can deliver on those things, but I ain't gonna lie--maybe I can't. 
BUT I AM TRYING TO!

I'm also quite aware that he is more attracted to me, respects me more, and possibly has more love to give, when he sees me being the confident, capable, independent, active "go-getter" of a person that he fell in love with. I should find and live like that person again FOR MY OWN SAKE, and if he welcomes her back, even better. 

But the irony is that once I fell in love with him and became SO emotionally dependent on him, I became weaker, and less like the woman he fell in love with in the first place...this opens up a whole host of issues to be discussed in individual counseling...

Anyone who read through all this...THANK YOU!


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I forgot one important thing.

A better triage:

1. Self-care (of my needs)
2. Awareness of and respect for his needs
3. The expectation that he can meet my needs (which could be considerably mitigated if I get better at #1)


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Makes sense to me. What is your top need Crem?? Words of Affirmation??


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Credam, 

Your love language is Words of Affirmation. 

His love language is Physical touch. Here I mean wonderful sex. 

Just seduce your man with all these wonderful lingerie and sex, I am sure you will get a lot of compliments from him. And he will become slow in anger. 

Most men are easy to handle, give them good sex and food, they become your slave!


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

DawnD, it's obvious, right?

Mine are also physical touch and quality time. (is that one?)

I think his are acts of service and gifts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

And greenpearl, if physical touch means sex, then I guess that's a love language for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Physical touch means holding hands, kissing, stroking, fondling,........ and SEX. Ask him what kind of sex he likes to have, then let him have that kind of sex. Men like doggy, it gives them great view of you. Of course not the kind of sex which will hurt you, like anal, you don't have to try anal if it hurts you! Try to be more different, men like this! 

Now you know what he loves, just do what he loves, when his love tank is filled by you, he will have a lot of love to give to you back. 

No more MC, I think it is wasting money too, you can save that money and buy sexy underwear. Here on TAM there are so many wonderful people who can give you good advice, you just need to take their advice. Sometimes it might hurt, but it is all good for you, no one here tries to hurt you intentionally, they all want to help you! Great thing about TAM. Designed to help people!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

From what you described, I think your husband is a wonderful man. You guys just need to find out what each other like and then do the things you like. 

If your husband says things which you find it hurt, you just need to tell him: Honey, what you have just said hurts. 

Or if you didn't do anything wrong, and he is snappy at you, just tell him: hey, I haven't done anything wrong, please don't talk to me with that tone, it doesn't make me feel good! It works great for my husband and me. You don't need to raise your voice, you don't need to be upset, you just need to be firm and tell him what's in your mind. After a few times, he will get it and he will respect you for being this calm and rational!


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Greenpearl, you are caring lady and a wonderful wife, but if it were as easy as you say, we wouldn't have ended up in MC in the first place!

But yes, you have a point...I do make a bigger deal of things than necessary sometimes.

If I focus MORE on filling HIS love bank and less on trying to get MINE filled by him, it could lead to better days.

We had sex 3 times yesterday. 3 times. That's not typical. Right before bed we had relaxed, pleasant conversation (which is SUCH a huge part of what I want!) And he woke up kissing me and smiling instead of grumpy and surly.

So filling his love bank and "giving without the fear of not getting" is a good thing to do. BUT, I have to take care of myself at the same time, or I risk going into "needy" mode.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree 100% with Greenpearl. Great advice given.
You have to have faith that by doing this your needs will be met. Asking that question, how do you feel more loved, that is a great question to ask your partner and keep asking and keep refining.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Hicks said:


> I agree 100% with Greenpearl. Great advice given.
> You have to have faith that by doing this your needs will be met. Asking that question, how do you feel more loved, that is a great question to ask your partner and keep asking and keep refining.


Having faith means I keep at bay the part of me that starts to say, "Hey what about me?" and look for a return on the investment in his love bank.

Something else occurred to me, and I posted this in the "Sex" section:

When I "cooled down my emotional temp," I stopped giving him so much in HIS LL (physical touch), but he continued to show me love in his other LL (acts of service).

But if I aim to give him love in HIS LL (physical touch), he may be more inclined to give me love in my LL (words of affirmation).

By the way..."words of affirmation" doesn't sound like what this LL is for me. I would call it a "conversation" LL.

It's more like something vt said in another thread: understanding. 
For me, that comes through *open, free, unrestricted conversation.* I feel a sense of relief and connection through talking to people close to me.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Has your H actually taken the LL test Crem? I can't remember. If he hasn't I would definately ask him to, could always suprise you. I assumed for years that my H's top need was Physical touch, and I was WAY off base. He wanted words of affirmation A LOT. ( I am still working on fulfilling this more for him) 

Are you looking for conversation from him, or validation?? Nothing wrong with either one of those, BTW


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Are you looking for conversation from him, or validation?? Nothing wrong with either one of those, BTW


Both.

No, he hasn't taken the test. And now ain't the time to ask him to. But at some point, that would be nice.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you have more than one need or LL (everyone does)... Conversation and affirmation are 2 seperate things. What I think you should be doing is meeting his LL's...and simulatenousely a) acknowledging that YOU have work to do to meet his needs (as you have done with your question!) b) managing or guiding him into meeting your need for affiermation and conversation. It's just much easier to get him there when he is happy and does not percieve all the change to be on his side.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

We just got back from MC...which went better than it has in awhile, and I feel like things are starting to open up.

If I did one thing right, it was my commitment to stay focused on my issues and refuse to point the finger at him or get defensive.

He opened up when I did that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It is possible to "see things differently."

Mutual respect is about leaving room for another's view.

It doesn't mean that it won't hurt sometimes.

Pain is a part of life - but it's also the way we grow.

Major Misfit...

"Only at the precipice do we evolve"


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Credam,

I am not saying that you shouldn't have gone to MC at the first place when you started having serious problems. 

When we are lost, we need help, and we need professional help, it was a good thing that you and your husband did, it means that you and your husband value each other and want to work out your problems. 

And I see that both of you start to see the light now, by MC or by seeking help here! Congratulations. 

No matter what, they are to help us understand ourselves, understand each other, and then help us build a better marriage and relationship. With the knowledge we accumulate and apply it in our life, we become independent of them, and one day, you can even help others on the board with the wonderful experience you have had. But we need to keep on learning and applying, through books, through forums, we need to keep on learning. It is not easy to have a happy successful marriage since the two involved are so complicated. After you have achieved the understanding, the fruit is delicious! And you will feel your hard work is worthwhile!


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He got all worked up and agitated over something we were discussing as we looked at the laptop (our wedding album. How romantic.)

We had two differing opinions on a page. Big f-ing deal.
He has been a NIGHTMARE through the process of selecting our page layouts. SO PICKY.

His voice starts rising, I say "OK, i hear what you want to do with this page...you want to xyz with it so it looks like blah blha blah...do you hear what my opinion on it is?" 

He said, "I'm going to center myself." (i.e., calm down, which he did tonight at MC when he feels his temper rising, so he doesn't react)

I said, "Ok, I'll wait for you to center."

At which point he LOST IT. Slammed the laptop shut and stormed off.



WTF??? I was told to leave him alone when he "needs to center." That's what I thought I was doing!!!

I swear, I've owned my mistakes and will continue to do so, but THIS one, I swear I don't know WTF I did "wrong."

I did not cause this one.
I had a different opinion. I expressed it. We have to decide these pages in the next few days. 
I couldn't just "put my needs aside" if that means NOT having an opinion on a freaking page in my wedding album.
I mirrored his opinion, said I understood what it was he wanted, so he knew I HEARD his opinion.

Having a very hard time finding those deep lovely breaths again.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

He has a temper issue, he has to work on this. 

Did the MC tell him that? 

When he hurt you like this, just tell him what he had done hurts, nothing more.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> He has a temper issue, he has to work on this.
> 
> Did the MC tell him that?
> 
> When he hurt you like this, just tell him what he had done hurts, nothing more.


Yes, the MC spent the whole time dealing with this!!!
I know he needs to work on this!
He knows it bothers me!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He got all worked up and agitated over something we were discussing as we looked at the laptop (our wedding album. How romantic.)
> 
> We had two differing opinions on a page. Big f-ing deal.
> He has been a NIGHTMARE through the process of selecting our page layouts. SO PICKY.
> ...


Why not let him own his own shix?


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Why not let him own his own shix?


I don't know how to do that. 

He apologized "for raising his voice," but I couldn't just say "oh ok" and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> We just got back from MC...which went better than it has in awhile, and I feel like things are starting to open up.
> 
> If I did one thing right, it was my commitment to stay focused on my issues and refuse to point the finger at him or get defensive.
> 
> ...


Stick with what works.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes, the MC spent the whole time dealing with this!!!
> I know he needs to work on this!
> He knows it bothers me!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It takes time for a person to change, we can only be patient.

He loves you, he should know hurting you is the last thing he should do. 

And you know this is his problem, is it possible that you don't take him too seriously? People who have temper issues usually forget very fast, after the tempertantrum, they are sweet again. 

Show him Proverbs, quick to anger is very stupid for a person to be. I had been an angry person, it wasn't a good feeling, it took me two years to work on it and change myself!


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Stick with what works.


Starting up again tomorrow. Because I dropped that ball right after "I'm sorry I raised my voice."
I was so upset at his loss of temper and then *shutting me out*, I HAD to tell him about it...and then we...were...off.  

greenpearl, we know that proverbs passage. He actually likes it, go figure...
Yes, sometimes I do need to not take him seriously, just roll my eyes or laugh at him. That's not always easy for me.

You people must be beyond sick of reading this insane roller coaster. I mean, seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

STOP with the "having" to do something.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You asked him what makes him feel loved.
His answer going with the flow, appreciation.

When you disagree with him for some reason he feels unloved, unappreciated. That feeling in him sets his temper off. He needs to figure out why he feels anger when you disagree with him. Maybe he feels you are being overly critical. Ask him.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree with the others.
Stay on messsage .... "That Hurts"
Don't try to talk him down from the ledge.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

What *I* need to work on is: "Less is More."

I own that.

4sure...it reminds him of his parents fighting and he mediated and he feels helpless and so he snaps.
*He* needs to own THAT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Credam,
> 
> Your love language is Words of Affirmation.
> 
> ...


Physical touch doesnt mean just sex. If you read the book it can mean just putting your hand on him, holding hands, hugging, putting your arm around him, kissing him on the cheek, etc. Physical touch is not just sex and doesnt mean you have to just put out all the time. There are other ways to communicate intimacy without just going to the bedroom.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

jem5 said:


> Physical touch doesnt mean just sex. If you read the book it can mean just putting your hand on him, holding hands, hugging, putting your arm around him, kissing him on the cheek, etc. Physical touch is not just sex and doesnt mean you have to just put out all the time. There are other ways to communicate intimacy without just going to the bedroom.


I know that, I've read the book.

I'm just reaching for solutions that I can initiate, and aiming to see love coming from my H, instead of just flaws.

But thank you for adding that point, you're right. One of MY LL's is physical touch too, in terms of cuddly affection.


----------

