# Had enough balme thrown at me



## hardtime

Just moved over from coping with infidelity forum. (Wife had an affair). Finally had enough last night and am going to file for divorce. I could only take so much blame, and she can't except much. Just ready to move forward. My anger is deep in the fact that she was not willing to commit to trying to work on our marriage. Not sure what happens now, but with the help of all of you that are going through or have been through this and the advice of my lawyer, I know I can get through this.


----------



## MrQuatto

We are here for ya hardtime. Every step, no matter how hard, moves you away from the past and toward the future. Just keep walking man 

Q~


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

hardtime said:


> My anger is deep in the fact that she was not willing to commit to trying to work on our marriage.


Did she have a reason for not trying? Are you not willing to work on it by yourself?


----------



## Jellybeans

Hardtime, sorry you find yourself here. Did you express to her you want a divorce? If so, how did she react? Is she still having an affair?



Ten_year_hubby said:


> Did she have a reason for not trying? *Are you not willing to work on it by yourself*?


It takes TWO to work on a marriage/to make a marriage/to put forth the effort. One person alone cannot sustain a relationship.


----------



## hardtime

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Did she have a reason for not trying? Are you not willing to work on it by yourself?


Brings up everything from past. Nothing about her affair. Just had enough, time to make me happy again


----------



## hardtime

Jellybeans said:


> Hardtime, sorry you find yourself here. Did you express to her you want a divorce? If so, how did she react? Is she still having an affair?
> 
> 
> 
> It takes TWO to work on a marriage/to make a marriage/to put forth the effort. One person alone cannot sustain a relationship.


I haveseveral times, but finally have had enough. When she gets the papers, and might want to work things out, I am still willing to try, but alot has been said and done. Don't know if I can do it, but again willing to try


----------



## hardtime

MrQuatto said:


> We are here for ya hardtime. Every step, no matter how hard, moves you away from the past and toward the future. Just keep walking man
> 
> Q~


Thanks. I really appreciate all on this site for emotional support and advice.


----------



## hardtime

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Did she have a reason for not trying? Are you not willing to work on it by yourself?


Her reason is she needed time apart to figure out if she still has feelings for me (BULLSH!t) I tried by myself, but her wall is to high. Am tired of being hurt.


----------



## Jellybeans

Is she still having an affair?


----------



## hardtime

As far as PA, I don't think so, but am sure that EA is continuing


----------



## Jellybeans

Then you are right to cut it off. 

As long as the affair is active, you have no marriage.


----------



## hardtime

I have an appt with lawyer tomorrow.


----------



## MrQuatto

hardtime said:


> I have an appt with lawyer tomorrow.


Hardtime, there is no rule or law anywhere that says you can't get back together if she wants to put the effrot in. A divorce can be stopped and hell, you can even get back together after. But it seems she wont make any effrot until there is no other choice, and that is only a small chance at that. 

The time is here to focus on Hardtime.

Q~


----------



## Jellybeans

I agree with Mr. Q.


----------



## hardtime

I know, but I agree. small chance.


----------



## RoseRed

It is a cop out just to throw blame around... it just doesn't address the core issue at hand... in a relationship... its about the feelings behind the event. Cause and effect... in your case, your spouse could not find, receive, come to terms with something in you. So in a time of stress, if she addressed these problems with you and either it didn't sink in with you to understand the emotions, wants, needs and it was just a behaviour change which you may not have changed, or you cannot fullfill her emotions, wants and needs because it is in direct conflict with your own personal enitity, beliefs or values. A EA or PA just doesn't materialize out of thin air... there has got to be a reason behind it... and it is something that is VERY IMPORTANT to the spouse.. which you might have dismissed it as minor (minimalizing spouses feelings) or you may not recognize it ( the came out of left field problem and you scramble to figure something out) or within your own pysche, it simply doesn't exist, you cannot comprehend it, or it is an issue that goes against your own entity and one cannot sacrifice their own beliefs and morals to anothers problem.

Anyone that builds walls is a self-protective measure. I can only imagine that somewhere in your past there have been issues not resolved ... Somewhere she was hurt.. perhaps many times... and as a life-partner,perhaps, she was too fearful to approach you, had approached you and you were not receptive or understanding, or you could not help... whatever the cause, the effect was the same... she looked elsewhere for help.

Of course I do not condone her actions... but I can understand where they possibly come from.

but until the BOTH of you have the courage to work on these issues...anger, bitterness, spite will remain... all born of one thing... hurt. She has to find the courage to give up her existing emotional safety net, to have the courage to try to look to YOU for what she needs, to respect herself that she has the strength tackle these issues with you... again... and with the help of MC work through all the issues!!

The rewirting of maritial history is her way, sadly, of trying to erase all the hurt by denying its existance, and to justify her actions.

My feeling is that this marriage goes WAY deep in fixing... either she is too tired and has given up...too scared to try to fix.. it takes courage to be vunerable and face hurt all over again...

my rule of thumb... always maintain strength, self-respect in mind, to recognize I am still a meer human, humble in soul... with always love and compassion in heart to those around me.


----------



## Jellybeans

The fact is--she is having an affair she refuses to end. He needs to remove himself from the marriage. She does not respect him.


----------



## RoseRed

Jellybeans said:


> The fact is--she is having an affair she refuses to end. He needs to remove himself from the marriage. She does not respect him.


Absolutely... I agree... she does not respect him... which my point.. as long winded as it was... why did she lose respect for him in the first place?? What happened for this to happen?? Was there something that happened where it was perceived that he didn't respect or honor her?? It has to have started somewhere... 

So being my compassionate self... I believe that anyone that becomes married has love and respect at the altar. 
Something happened to have that respect erode away.

but then again.. I do realize... there are just cruel human out there and unfortuantely perhaps the OP just got took on a very hurtful ride... that at the altar it was all a fascade and farce from the get go and he got used... sad.. truly sad! I am praying that this is not the case!!!

Either way I am sure the OP would like to know the truth, deserves the truth, will he ever get it... only time will tell. I will always be for pro-reconciliation in marriage... it is a VERY hard road for both spouses... I pray they both find the courage, compassion and love that they revive their truth. Both have their heels dug in hurt, anger, fear and spite... and that will just lead to divorce. :-(


----------



## Jellybeans

Well Rose... as long as she's having an affair, you betcha that will lead to divorce. 

Or he can sit idly by and watch her carrying on with the OM. Which would make her lose even more respect for him.

Hard, you are doing the right thing. Esp. if you offered a chance at reconciliation sans affair and she refuses to end her affair.


----------



## hardtime

Thank you both for the input. I know I have done some of the things that Rose is talking about, but was never talked about in depth during our marriage (partialy my fault), but it does take two to work through things. And she is no willing. Maybe the old saying "to little to late".


----------



## RoseRed

Jellybeans said:


> Well Rose... as long as she's having an affair, you betcha that will lead to divorce.
> 
> Or he can sit idly by and watch her carrying on with the OM. Which would make her lose even more respect for him.
> 
> Hard, you are doing the right thing. Esp. if you offered a chance at reconciliation sans affair and she refuses to end her affair.


He shouldn't sit idly by... of course not... 

Just my perspective... when two people have their heels dug in... if he just demands that she outright end the EA without having a beginning understanding of the reason of the EA... the wife is just gonna keep that wall high and strong and say "f$%k you" and dig the heels in stronger as it comes across as emotional bullying.

If respect is to be rebuilt... it has to be done with compassion...and a hell of alot of communication.

for OP to approach his wife, firmly, yet gently with confidence, and compassion ... tell her that he is finding the courage to work on the marriage through MC... and that he believes that she has too has the courage to do so too... together... that he understands her need for an emotional safety net... and that he wants to try to fullfill that role not the OM..and that he expects that she will try to understand and be his as well. To acknowlege that this journey is going to tough, with moments of fear, hurt. That he acknowledges that they have much to work through... he acknowledges that he wants to try to understand her feelings and work towards a solution.. and that she will try to do the same. That he believes that she does have the strength to approach councelling without the OM... to speak openly, honestly, in love. 

If she won't let go of the OM...then she is still ruled by her fear and hurt... the OP should calmly and with compassion express to his wife that he recognizes this... and that he will let her go and will file for divorce... because they BOTH deserve to be happy.


----------



## Almostrecovered

wow Rose, do you really believe there is justification for cheating? Because that's what I'm getting from you.


----------



## Jellybeans

RoseRed said:


> He shouldn't sit idly by... of course not...
> 
> Just my perspective... when two people have their heels dug in... *if he just demands that she outright end the EA* without having a beginning understanding of the reason of the EA... the wife is just gonna keep that wall high and strong and say "f$%k you" and dig the heels in stronger as it comes across as emotional bullying..


When an affair is happening, the betrayed spouse should not sit back and go "Gee, let me count all the ways I was wrong and she lost respect for me while she keeps having an affair." It doesn't work that way. The affair must end or there is no marriage to speak of.

Of course a couple needs to understand what created the current dynamic the marriage is in. But to suggest it's "emotional bullying" to tell your spouse to cut off their affair so you can focus on your marriage 100% is --ludicrous. 



RoseRed said:


> If respect is to be rebuilt... it has to be done with compassion...and a hell of alot of communication...


And without an affair happening. A couple absolutely cannot  restore a marriage if an affair is alive and kicking. 



RoseRed said:


> for OP to approach his wife, firmly, yet gently with confidence, and compassion ... tell her that he is finding the courage to work on the marriage through MC... and that he believes that she has too has the courage to do so too... together... that he understands her need for an emotional safety net... and that he wants to try to fullfill that role not the OM..and that he expects that she will try to understand and be his as well....


All fine and good. But if the cheating spouse refuses to end said affair, there is nothing else to talk about. 



RoseRed said:


> If she won't let go of the OM...then she is still ruled by her fear and hurt....


No. She is ruled by the fact that she thinks it's completely fine to have an affair while still being married, having her cake and eating it too. In fact, she's not "fearful and hurt" at all if she continues to blatantly direspect her marriage in that manner. She has nothing to fear. If the husband sits idly by, what is there to fear? She knows she gets the security of a marriage and a lover on the side and her husband is just going to tolerate it because there are no consequences for her actions. No way.


----------



## RoseRed

I guess I have a different viewpoint..

one thing for sure... there is never a justification for an affair in a marriage... but I can understand that as humans we are all falliable and make mistakes and I do have compassion and can try to understand the other side of the coin... we are only given one side of the story. I am compassionate, forgiving and understanding... always... my conscience (and it is Christian too) requires me of this... its called loving the unlovable... its called loving the person and not the act... I don't think this is a far off notion... Just because somebody hurts me, be it malicious, unintentional, accidental, or otherwise... there is always a reason for the event... it is not only my desire to forgive through understanding... besides I am such a curious person, I always want to understand things! I want to know, especially in a relationship, if there is something I did to precipitate the act.... it takes two to make a relationship... and nothing happens in a vaccuum...

If I were in the OP's shoes... I would try everything in my power to restore the marriage, everyway to show the spouse that I can be the emotional safety net, and that does not comprimise my true self, my values and my morals... I would reach out to try to understand as best as I can.., knowing I may be part of the problem... If I have tried all this.. and it did not succeed... then I can, with good conscience, say I have done my best, and let the person go... I made my choice to be the best I can... and it would be spouses choice to either to accept or reject... that I know I have no power over!

For me... people are basically good, honourable, just and moral... and we ALL make mistakes... and do bad acts. Do I get hurt... of course... we all do... but I refuse to summarily dismiss a person in a relationship for the act... and I know that change comes with time and patience... understanding and love, that love, at times, has to be of the tough variety... but it doesn't me I don't show compassion and caring , understanding and faith. 

my oh my... I guess I truly am an odd duck out!... 

peace to all!


----------



## RoseRed

I don't know if any other posters here have children and to boot teens as well... 

perhaps this can help in my perspective...

my oldest was a very distraught, angry, fearful, rebellious, self-destructive teen at 13 yrs old... for a mother, I went through hell and a handbasket with so much hurtful things flung at me it was a barrage! He did seek out and find another mother figure... and he was in a fog cuz he got all he wanted with no rules... I had to approach him in love and care, understanding and compassion to begin understanding what he's going through.. why he was fearful to talk to me.. and in time..reassuring him that I can be the mother he needs and wants... and that doesn't entail a free for all cave in to all his whims..that I too am a human being, make mistakes, and have feelings and thoughts. With the help of a Child psychologist... we got through this! Its taken 3 years.. and I got an amazing son!! and a delightful work in progress!!

as you all know.. you can't divorce a child.... and I can tell you approaching another adult on this faucet is 1000% easier than a physically, emotionally, spiritually, developing teen!! 

thats why I refuse to give up on my son... I refuse to give up on my husband...


----------



## Jellybeans

He has tried against all odds. She will not give up the affair. Did you read that part? Has your husband ever cheated on you and been unwilling to give up said affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lostouthere

Hardtime sorry to hear it has came to this but we all can understand we have been or are going through it now. Keep your head up and focus on you dont contact her unless you have to I know that is hard to do. 

And no matter what there is never a justification to cheat PERIOD I dont give a dang what happened.

Keep moving forward and keep your head up and eyes forward so you dont trip over something. Its a long hard road but hey if we can do it you can do it. There are days that go by that are harder than others but it gets easier.


----------



## lordmayhem

RoseRed said:


> If I were in the OP's shoes... I would try everything in my power to restore the marriage, everyway to show the spouse that I can be the emotional safety net, and that does not comprimise my true self, my values and my morals... I would reach out to try to understand as best as I can.., knowing I may be part of the problem... If I have tried all this.. and it did not succeed... then I can, with good conscience, say I have done my best, and let the person go... I made my choice to be the best I can... and it would be spouses choice to either to accept or reject... that I know I have no power over!


The time to work on the marriage is when they are in R, NOT while the affair is still ongoing. Nothing works when the WS in still in the EA or PA. He has to kill the affair first and foremost, and then his WW needs to be remorseful and transparent before he offers the precious precious gift of R. Not before then.

And affairs are NOT mistakes that you want to imply. They are a series of choices, bad choices to be sure, but choices. A mistake is making a left at an intersection when you meant to go right.

hardtime, we got your back. I was divorced many years ago and I recovered, and you will too. Perhaps an impending divorce will knock her out of the affair fog, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. My ex-wife walked out the door to her OM long ago and never looked back. I know she didnt end up with him, but I only found this out years later.


----------



## RoseRed

Jellybeans said:


> He has tried against all odds. She will not give up the affair. Did you read that part? Has your husband ever cheated on you and been unwilling to give up said affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Everyone... I have the OP's back too... but I just want to re-iterate that there is always hope with love, patience, and more patience! 

She may not give up the OM ... now... and that is her choice, good bad or otherwise... does it interrupt the opportunity to reconcile... of course! It cannot happen without the OM out of the picture... if he can still wants to look for new ways to convince her otherwise, that is his choice.. if he just wants to throw in the towel... his choice too.
I'm just saying that there is always hope... and there is more inner strength than he realizes.

And yes.. I went through my H's PA's very very early on in our relationship.. some before we were married one afterwards. All were confessed shortly after we were married He said that they were just physical events ONS... the one after the marriage was more of a PA... that took more time for him to give up... It was very hard, and diffuclut road.. but we got through it. His latest EA is with something that I have no way to compete with... it is the work... it truly got way outa control about 9 years ago.. and slowlly and incidously broke down our marrige... In essences his work and workmates were his mistress.. it had nothing to do with money as he was making a very handsome 6 figure salary... it was more the thrill of the chase of a new project, latest and greatest feats of design and engineering... It became absolutely obvious to me that "us" was so far down on the list I don't think 'we' never made the top 20. After many traumatic personal and family events and he was completely emotionally checked out for all of them... In january I asked him to leave... for him to find himself, and if I would ever be able to be within his life and our marriage first and foremost. So since then, he has been finding himself, now has forced joint custody of the kids... he's spent more time with them now as a dad in these past months than for their entire lives... we are now determining if he wants to be in my life and rebuild 'us'... He is struggling with letting go with his lust for work... it is so tough.. as he has got to work to support the family... but how to re-adjust his attitude towards it. Its akin to a food addict... you just can't deny that person food else they would die. 

So... I am so proud of him to discover slowly that there is more to life than work, that his children are a complete joy and he loves spending time with them and connecting to them... and now the hardest part... can he and does he want me as an equal partner in his life... that he would live for me... and not the job... that he is still is still working through. Never once had I ever consulted or even looked in the phone book for divorce lawyers... I will be patient and wait... for good things come to those who wait. The only promise I have asked of him that he determine with his IC to make a reasonable time for him to make up his mind... and I let him be. We are both in MC and working hard together... the events of him not showing up for MC because of work is becoming fewer and fewer... IN THE MEANTIME...I am not sitting idly by... I am busy getting my life back together... went back to school, and keeping my home and kids and bits a pieces of work going. I know we have come far in thse 9 months... and I am diligent to keep the love and compassion... but I am not a doormat anymore... I have focus... I still love him.. he will always be first on my list... but at this moment it has to be from afar. He may have made bad choices, made mistakes, doesn't negate the fact that it is up to him to decide what he wants to do with these... not me. This HAS TO BE A CHOICE OF HIS OWN FREE WILL!! Love is a choice... I guess I am a very patient woman!

And when the time comes and he makes his decision... either he would be happier with me.. or happier with his career... it is ultimately his choice as what he deems best for his life... and I will abide with this. At that time, if it be me he chooses.. he will come home... if he chooses his work... then I asked him to file... there is no way I would ever want anyone be miserable.. that would be unfair to everyone! Will I be sad... of course... but I know there is a good chuck of life ahead of me...

I will never give up hope...


----------



## Jellybeans

RoseRed said:


> She may not give up the OM ... now... and that is her choice, good bad or otherwise... does it interrupt the opportunity to reconcile... of course! It cannot happen without the OM out of the picture... ...


Precisely. OM is still in the picture. 



RoseRed said:


> if he can still wants to look for new ways to convince her otherwise, that is his choice.. if he just wants to throw in the towel... ...


His wife has already "thrown in the towel" since she refuses to end the affair and work on the marriage. She has chosen the affair over her marriage. Also, you cannot "convince" someone to do something they don't want to. That is crazy talk.

As you mentioned -- everyone has free will. She is freely choosing to carry on her affair to the detriment of her marriage and refuses to end it.

There isn't much to be said when that says it all. 

Doormat behavior does not work when someone is having an affair.


----------



## hardtime

Thanks all for the input. I WILL not live in an OPEN marriage any longer. I told her tonight that it is me or the other man and if she could not decide then I would decide for her and I will go file. 
She didn't take this very well. My ears were very sore after about 20 mins of it is your fault, you pushed me away, the finances, etc, etc, etc. Then tells me that my 2 step daughters are going to despise me because I am the mean one and all she has been was nice. I replied that if you could have only commited to NC then I would not of had to come to this choice. AGAIN I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE.

Seeing lawyer tomorrow at 2:30.


----------



## joe kidd

hardtime said:


> Thanks all for the input. I WILL not live in an OPEN marriage any longer. I told her tonight that it is me or the other man and if she could not decide then I would decide for her and I will go file.
> She didn't take this very well. My ears were very sore after about 20 mins of it is your fault, you pushed me away, the finances, etc, etc, etc. Then tells me that my 2 step daughters are going to despise me because I am the mean one and all she has been was nice. I replied that if you could have only commited to NC then I would not of had to come to this choice. AGAIN I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE.
> 
> Seeing lawyer tomorrow at 2:30.


Good for you. You shouldn't have to live in an open marriage. You have given her more than enough time.


----------



## Jellybeans

I agree


----------



## F-102

Good luck with the lawyer. She is justifying her affair by blaming it all on you, but you aren't biting. Good Job!


----------



## RoseRed

hardtime said:


> Thanks all for the input. I WILL not live in an OPEN marriage any longer. I told her tonight that it is me or the other man and if she could not decide then I would decide for her and I will go file.
> She didn't take this very well. My ears were very sore after about 20 mins of it is your fault, you pushed me away, the finances, etc, etc, etc. Then tells me that my 2 step daughters are going to despise me because I am the mean one and all she has been was nice. I replied that if you could have only commited to NC then I would not of had to come to this choice. AGAIN I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE.
> 
> Seeing lawyer tomorrow at 2:30.


You have made your choice and your ultimatum... and she has made hers... and of course the predicted outcome.... both heels dug in even deeper... even more anger, hurt, spite and dispair... and even more pain to come...

what a shame... 

be strong... have faith... 

may you find peace....


----------



## Entropy3000

hardtime said:


> Thanks all for the input. I WILL not live in an OPEN marriage any longer. I told her tonight that it is me or the other man and if she could not decide then I would decide for her and I will go file.
> She didn't take this very well. My ears were very sore after about 20 mins of it is your fault, you pushed me away, the finances, etc, etc, etc. Then tells me that my 2 step daughters are going to despise me because I am the mean one and all she has been was nice. I replied that if you could have only commited to NC then I would not of had to come to this choice. AGAIN *I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE*.
> 
> Seeing lawyer tomorrow at 2:30.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

Good luck.


----------



## hardtime

Part of me is very scared today. I want to tell her that I am willing to work on my issues if she would do the same. But she is not willing to go to any kind of counseling, so I don't feel like I have any choice. Today is going to be hard.


----------



## Entropy3000

hardtime said:


> Part of me is very scared today. I want to tell her that I am willing to work on my issues if she would do the same. But she is not willing to go to any kind of counseling, so I don't feel like I have any choice. Today is going to be hard.


Indeed. You can get through this however. You can work on yourself. You can find happiness. When you are ready you will be able to find someone else who will not cause you this much pain. Someone who can be faithful to you and to whom you can show your love.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

I know it's scary, HT, but you need to stick to your guns. She needs to see that her actions have consequences.

Good luck at the lawyer's office today.


----------



## hardtime

Thanks, just real sad for my kids and me. Trying to stay strong.


----------



## timespent

hardtime said:


> Thanks, just real sad for my kids and me. Trying to stay strong.



Hang in there. It does get better. Concentrate on Number 1.


----------



## Shaggy

Stay strong. Point out that if it was reversed that she would not accept living in an open marriage!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hardtime

It's done, papers are being drawn up and ready for signature beginning of next week. Not looking forward to telling her, but has to be done.


----------



## hardtime

Thanks Shaggy, I agree


----------



## hardtime

Thanks to all for todays help


----------



## the guy

H-
Stay strong and stay the course bro, no one diserves this BS and no matter what, you want a commited marriage and she is not providing that.

Keep acknowledging the fact that you do not want an open marriage. Its not about faults or the past, its about what one can do to change the current course. That my friend is now up to her and the simple fact that she can NC and turn this around. Keep this point no matter what. Rinse and repeat if you knwo what I mean?

If you give in now she will not change, you are not pushing her away, she has already done that and she may never change. Until she can see that it is her choice to NC, the past really doesn't matter.

Point is she will not see it any other way, it will always be about the past and the wrong you are doing now. It easier for her to put a twist on it then to give up OM. 

As hard as it is to go through this I think you should continue. She is just so fogged in and it will only be a matter of time when reality will hit her, and you may not be around when it does. Years from now she still may not understand, and you will have to say it again
"I will not be in an open marriage".


----------



## F-102

Unfortunately, it will be way too late when she wakes up and realizes what she has done.

And even if she does realize it-will she ever admit it?


----------



## hardtime

You are probably right F-102.
All I know, is that it must of been the right decision, because I slept all night for the first time in a very very long time.


----------



## Darth Vader

hardtime said:


> You are probably right F-102.
> All I know, is that it must of been the right decision, because I slept all night for the first time in a very very long time.


You don't have any children with this whatever, do you?:scratchhead:


----------



## hardtime

Darth Vader said:


> You don't have any children with this whatever, do you?:scratchhead:


Yes 1 son, and 2 step daughters


----------



## hardtime

It's done, I will sign papers on Tuesday. Sad and relieved at the same time. Kind of wierd. Now the hard part, setteling on parenting time, finances, etc, etc. Anyone have suggestions for 50/50 custody split calender.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

hardtime said:


> It's done, I will sign papers on Tuesday. Sad and relieved at the same time. Kind of wierd. Now the hard part, setteling on parenting time, finances, etc, etc. Anyone have suggestions for 50/50 custody split calender.


I proposed my having 5PM Saturday though 9PM Tuesday. There are 168 hours in the week so 84 hours each is equal. I proposed a few less for me (76) in order to be sure I could take the kids to church


----------



## hardtime

The fog has started to lift, but may be to late. After we had a long discussion about the divorce papers being ready to sign, we talked about what to do with marital assests and children for about an hour. Kind of got heated, but I remained calm. I was suprised on how she reacted to me being calm and not raising my voice. She almost started to scream, and her face turned many shades of red. About an hour after, she came downstairs to my room and told me that she is so sorry and hugged me. We sat holding each other for about an hour. I restated that it is up to her if she wants to work on our marriage and that I understand that if she doesn't want to, it is ok with me. Never answered. Just said that she feels numb and like I punched her in the stomach. I replied, that is the way I have felt for some time. I told her that I am willing to put the work into fixing the issues she has with me, but if she is not willing, then we have 6 months till the divorce will be final. I am still moving forward with the divorce. Only time will tell what the outcome is going to be. She is at the point that I was at about 4 weeks ago.(emotionally):scratchhead:


----------



## lordmayhem

That's good hardtime, continue on with the D. If she snaps out of the fog, then fine, you can start setting the conditions for R. If not, you will have lost nothing because she has emotionally checked out of the marriage anyway.

Just beware of grasping at straws. Far too many BSs are too quick to forgive when they see even slightest hint of remorse from the cheating spouse. I know you want to see that the fog is lifting, we all do when in your situation. But it has to be true remorse. She's nowhere near there yet. LostCPA has a thread warning about this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31959-false-recovery.html

Do the 180, look it up. Do not talk with her unless it concerns finances, the children, or the D. Don't say I love you and don't hug her. She needs to see the reality of what she's facing and what she has to lose all because of this fantasy she has with the OM.


----------



## hardtime

Thanks Lord.... I relize that it is not enough for me to start R. I am procededing with Divorce, and told her as much. I didn't sleep much that night, thinking about her actions. I told myself, without a total commitment from her, that I can not even think about R. Just hurts like hell, because I know behind her fog, she doesn't want this to happen. It may be to late when she does come out of it.


----------



## hardtime

Papers are signed. Should be filed on Thursday. Don't know if she still thinks I am Bluffing. She will know that I am not by the first par tof next week.


----------



## the guy

Has contact with OM increased or decreased?

Now that she is loosing her fall back guy, Im curious if she is upping the anty with the OM.

It may not mean a hill of beans to you now but,this would be a good indicator as far as her emotions (real or fake) she will show you in the near future. Also this will help in what degree your 180 will need to be.

I know you don't even care, but I have a feeling you are going to see some emotional crazy things from her, it would be could to tell if she really means what she is telling you when you get the "I wish we could work it out" speech, while the time she is not NC the OM.

You know what I mean?

In short if you do see the fog lift, can you validate it?


----------



## hardtime

I believe it has increased. Cant be for sure, because she removed her cell from my account. That tells me that she doesn't want me to know how much she talks to him. I do know that no R if no transparency. Thanks the guy


----------



## the guy

Your welcome, I guess your only defence when the "I want to work it out" speeck come is #1 : I won't be in an open marriage"

and

Your 2nd defence is "can I see your cell phone" her response will for sure help you keep the armour up, when she goes down that roller coaster ride of keeping her self empowered by always having a fall back guy.

The reason I bring this up is b/c after being on this site for over a year I have read enough to know that there will be this "munipulation" on her part to string you along. And the best way to navigate your self through her own fog is to validate her rediric by her willingness to be forthcoming with requests such as the one I mentioned.

In a case like this she will either show you her cell or refuse, and with that you can see through the forest and deside if her "wish" is a reality or just more of her fantasy.


----------



## MrQuatto

probably wont see much on the "I want to work it out" front unless thr OM waffles. Then she will be looking to do damage control.

Q~


----------



## hardtime

Just want her to move out. Only 3-4 more weeks. So she says.


----------



## hardtime

Wow, she is pissed. Came home today, and immediately she tells me its a great f#@#ing day. First I get my notice to pick up divorce papers, and then I am being sued for extorition from Carly's(my stepdaughter) dad for trying to raise his child support. Stayed around for about an hour and then came to tell our 2 1/2 year old goodbye and see you in the morning. Balling the whole time. Karma is starting to kick in.


----------



## Dadof3

hardtime said:


> *Wow, she is pissed.* Came home today, and immediately she tells me its a great f#@#ing day. First I get my notice to pick up divorce papers, and then I am being sued for extorition from Carly's(my stepdaughter) dad for trying to raise his child support. *Stayed around for about an hour and then came to tell our 2 1/2 year old goodbye and see you in the morning. Balling the whole time.* Karma is starting to kick in.


hardtime - I'm confused the second part of your message thats bolded above - are you referring to you or her? This wasn't clear to me.


----------



## hardtime

Sorry, is kinda of confusing. She was crying.


----------



## lostinva

hardtime. keep me informed as to how this turns out. This situation is very, very similar to mine. Very curious to see what happens


----------



## the guy

I don't know if it karma or just some women that has made bad choices, like #1 no doing a NC with OM to avoid divorce, and #2 no going to court for more child support when you most likely have enough and/or refuse visitation ( hence the extortion).

Face it when you you continue to make bad choice for your self with out any concern for others the drama will pile up.


----------



## Entropy3000

the guy said:


> I don't know if it karma or just some women that has made bad choices, like #1 no doing a NC with OM to avoid divorce, and #2 no going to court for more child support when you most likely have enough and/or refuse visitation ( hence the extortion).
> 
> *Face it when you you continue to make bad choice for your self with out any concern for others the drama will pile up.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## hardtime

lostinva said:


> hardtime. keep me informed as to how this turns out. This situation is very, very similar to mine. Very curious to see what happens


Will do. Doesn't look good for a R. Deep down inside me, I would like to think it is possible, but been through a lot of lies , and blame thrown my way. I do accept some of that, but doesn't justify an affair. No sign of a turn around on her part. Well the clock is ticking towards divorce. If I decide to change my mind, it will be my decision, and under my terms (NC, transparency and MC).


----------



## hardtime

Been a few days since last post. Things have not changed much. Her truck brole down, and expected me to take to shop to have looked at. Told her sorry, but didn't have time to. Now I am expecting her to ask for help paying for repairs. Not sure how to tell her no. I just don't feel like I should help, seeing how she wants a seperation. I guessI feel like she needs to know what an independent person has to deal with financially and emotionally.


----------



## lordmayhem

hardtime said:


> Been a few days since last post. Things have not changed much. Her truck brole down, and expected me to take to shop to have looked at. Told her sorry, but didn't have time to. Now I am expecting her to ask for help paying for repairs. Not sure how to tell her no. I just don't feel like I should help, seeing how she wants a seperation. I guessI feel like she needs to know what an independent person has to deal with financially and emotionally.


:iagree:

Exactly. She needs to experience the reality that being divorced is going to be like. You are no longer going to be her support system, not as long as she wants separation and continuing the affair. Let her damn OM help her since she thinks so highly of him and so lowly of you.


----------



## hardtime

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Exactly. She needs to experience the reality that being divorced is going to be like. You are no longer going to be her support system, not as long as she wants separation and continuing the affair. Let her damn OM help her since she thinks so highly of him and so lowly of you.


:iagree:

Just hurts to know that a year ago 4 months ago, I would have done anything to help. But now have to be kind of mean. I guess it is just part of the process of healing.


----------



## Dadof3

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Exactly. She needs to experience the reality that being divorced is going to be like. You are no longer going to be her support system, not as long as she wants separation and continuing the affair. Let her damn OM help her since she thinks so highly of him and so lowly of you.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

this is where the love gets tough! Tough Love, tell her its tough love. Since you won't be option #2, she has to have option #1 help her with her sh!t.


----------



## Dadof3

hardtime said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Just hurts to know that a year ago 4 months ago, I would have done anything to help. But now have to be kind of mean. I guess it is just part of the process of healing.


What u are doing isn't mean, if said properly with the right tone. Make it matter-of-factly, like you'd be stupid for doing it and you have to take care of yourself as you only have to honor vows that are being honored BACK.

Just say matter-of-factly - "Look WW, you choose to have a relationship with OM. How am I responsible for your problems when you've given them and your heart to OM? Would u do the same for me if I was cheating on you? Give him a call and see how much he cares for you! Give him a chance..... because I'm letting you go."


----------



## hardtime

Going to have a hardtime this Friday. Step daughters 13th birthday, and my family is coming over for cake and ice cream. WW is going to be there. I am sure the tension will be high. I ham hopong that everything goes ok.


----------



## Chaparral

hardtime said:


> Going to have a hardtime this Friday. Step daughters 13th birthday, and my family is coming over for cake and ice cream. WW is going to be there. I am sure the tension will be high. I ham hopong that everything goes ok.


Don't understand why WW would be invited to your families event. Way to awkward for your family.


----------



## hardtime

chapparal said:


> Don't understand why WW would be invited to your families event. Way to awkward for your family.


It is at my house where she is still currently living. Thought she would have been going away for weekend. Guess not


----------



## hardtime

She realy went off her rocker last night. Wanted me to cosign for a new vehichle for her. I told her no and she went off. First started to yell at me from about 5 inches from my face. Spit was hitting me. I asked her to not spit in my face, and she yells "I am not doing it on purpose." Then she start to cry and pushes me, then says "Why are you f#@cking with my life." I replied "why did you [email protected] with mine?" I then left for about an hour so I could calm down. She texts me DONT come home, no one wants you here right now. I replied "I am coming home, it is my house too." She replies "door is bolted shut" I reply then I will have to call cops. When I pulled into drive way, she was unlocking the door. She needs to leave ASAP. She is going bonkers.


----------



## turnera

She's crashing. You were supposed to let her eat cake, and you're messing with her plans. If she comes at you about money again, remind her that that's what OM is for, since she's in love with HIM now. Tell her that she FIRED you as her husband by cheating on you. Keep reminding her that this is about her CHEATING. She's trying to whitewash it so you need to not let her do that. 

It sounds like she still wants you but doesn't realize it. Just keep calm and steady, and let her wonderful new life fall apart. It has to, before she can hit rock bottom and realize what's really going on.


----------



## turnera

I am SO glad you said you WERE coming home. Don't give her an inch on that.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

It's tough, but you're doing the right thing. You're handling it right. Turnera's got it right- if she flips out again about money or whatever, tell her that's the OM's problem, now.

It's not about what you did- it's about what she did.


----------



## lordmayhem

Dadof3 said:


> What u are doing isn't mean, if said properly with the right tone. Make it matter-of-factly, like you'd be stupid for doing it and you have to take care of yourself as you only have to honor vows that are being honored BACK.
> 
> Just say matter-of-factly - "Look WW, you choose to have a relationship with OM. How am I responsible for your problems when you've given them and your heart to OM? Would u do the same for me if I was cheating on you? Give him a call and see how much he cares for you! Give him a chance..... because I'm letting you go."


:iagree:

If Mr Wonderful is indeed so wonderful, he would co-sign the loan. She is his problem now. Now, what are the chances that he co-signs the loan?


----------



## hardtime

Agree with you all on that. 
Birthday party went off ok. My family treated her no different then if they hadn't known are problems. She actually was pleasant to be around tonight. Even offered to help me set up my home office after party. I know it was just a gesture, not sure if it was sincere.


----------



## Chaparral

hardtime said:


> Agree with you all on that.
> Birthday party went off ok. My family treated her no different then if they hadn't known are problems. She actually was pleasant to be around tonight. Even offered to help me set up my home office after party. I know it was just a gesture, not sure if it was sincere.


She needs a car and she's working on the "catch more flies with sugar than salt" theory of life. 


Hoping she comes around to your way of thinking.


----------



## hardtime

OK, not sure what to do. I asked her when she was going to move out, and she said I don't know now, because I had to pay to get truck fixed. She will not pay for anything to do with house (mortg, phone, elec, gas, etc). What do I do to get her out or help pay for these things? Does she legaly have to help out or not?


----------



## F-102

She's dragging her feet-trying to get you to toe the line on her terms.


----------



## sadman:(

i just read this thread it is a good read i hope i dont have to go thru this but im not mentally prepared for that yet,, i hope when every thing starts fling around i have the strength you have ,, good job man keep up the good work! i need to learn a few things from you!


----------



## hardtime

sadman:( said:


> i hope i dont have to go thru this but im not mentally prepared for that yet,, i hope when every thing starts fling around i have the strength you have ,
> 
> sadman, I don't think I was ever ready for this, but could not go on the way it was. I am hoping that in time my kids will understand why I did what I did. It sucks, but I will not be disrespected any longer. You can find the strength, I did. Alot of it came from this site. Their is alot of very good advice, and some real great people(friends) I have met on here. After all is said and done, I will continue to read and post. This is a great support system


----------



## hardtime

Well another weekend and she has to go party and do whatever she nneds to do. Cant pay her truck payment, but had enough money to get hair done and go partying. I don't thin she will ever really get it.


----------



## sadman:(

hardtime said:


> sadman:( said:
> 
> 
> 
> i hope i dont have to go thru this but im not mentally prepared for that yet,, i hope when every thing starts fling around i have the strength you have ,
> 
> sadman, I don't think I was ever ready for this, but could not go on the way it was. I am hoping that in time my kids will understand why I did what I did. It sucks, but I will not be disrespected any longer. You can find the strength, I did. Alot of it came from this site. Their is alot of very good advice, and some real great people(friends) I have met on here. After all is said and done, I will continue to read and post. This is a great support system
> 
> 
> 
> i understand what your saying,, im not emotionally there , to be able to do that ,,you have alot of strength. i broke down pretty hard today and my daughter came in an hugged me and asked whats wrong. it made me break down even harder.. i hate to see the kids going thru this. i hate the fact that you know your new found way of loving someone will heal them too but they wont give it a chance. for me just the fact that she wont try is killing me and making me feel guilty that we even got to this point at all! i should have seen it commin,, but dident.
Click to expand...


----------



## turnera

Now is a good time to separate your finances. ANYthing that she uses, stop paying for if you can do without it. If you have the same phone service, cancel it and start your own. If there's a favorite pastry she likes, stop buying it. Stop washing her clothes, don't buy her toothpaste...let her see what single looks like.


----------



## hardtime

turnera said:


> Now is a good time to separate your finances. ANYthing that she uses, stop paying for if you can do without it. If you have the same phone service, cancel it and start your own. If there's a favorite pastry she likes, stop buying it. Stop washing her clothes, don't buy her toothpaste...let her see what single looks like.


Already done. Went as far as to turn down water heater, as she always wanted it so hot that you couldn't put your hands under without it burning. Only buy things as I or the kids need them. Nothing special forher sake.


----------



## turnera

Stop paying her bills?


----------



## hardtime

turnera said:


> Stop paying her bills?


The bills I refered to are for gas, electric, internet, phone, tv.
These are bills that are in my name, but that she enjoys, because she has not moved out yet. Cell phone is her own, truck is her own, insurances are her own, gas and food and all other pleasure things are her own. 

i just think that she should be responsable for the household bills also.


----------



## ing

It probably isn't worth the fight for the utilities. There are plenty of things much harder to deal with already.
You could block her at the router for the Internet. I would probably do that just to be a spiteful bastard, but hey that's me.


----------



## Dadof3

ing said:


> It probably isn't worth the fight for the utilities. There are plenty of things much harder to deal with already.
> You could block her at the router for the Internet. I would probably do that just to be a spiteful bastard, but hey that's me.


If she aint paying for it, she shan't be using it. Simple, when its doable like the internet / router. Definitely harder for the other utils.


----------



## Chaparral

hardtime said:


> OK, not sure what to do. I asked her when she was going to move out, and she said I don't know now, because I had to pay to get truck fixed. She will not pay for anything to do with house (mortg, phone, elec, gas, etc). What do I do to get her out or help pay for these things? Does she legaly have to help out or not?


Have you talked about reconciliation lately? Have you given up? Can't tell whats going on. She seems to be wavering on the separation.

Also sounds like your trying to drive her out.


----------



## hardtime

chapparal said:


> Have you talked about reconciliation lately? Have you given up? Can't tell whats going on. She seems to be wavering on the separation.
> 
> Also sounds like your trying to drive her out.


R is out of the question right now. She will not quit contact with OM. I will not stand forit anymore. As far as driving her out, probably a little bit. just can't stand the hurtful things she does. Left Sat afternoon, never came home until late Sun afternoon. I can't plan anything, because I never know when she is going to be here. If she was out of the house, at least I could make plans according to children being here or with her(on a schedule). She has hurt me so much in the last month, I don't know if R is possable. Am still willing to try by way of MC, but don't know if I can get past the things said and done.


----------



## Shaggy

Her going out and saying out all weekend? Wow. Has she no shame? Perhaps put a sign on the front lawn with an hourly count saying: # hours cheating since her last pit stop at home"

Frankly she need ps to feel humiliated and hurt, she deserves it in spades.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3

Maybe you can rent the local billboard to do the same... Wonder how'd she feel about that?


----------



## turnera

That would be grounds for a lawsuit. You CAN however, put up a sign that says 'Ask me about my wife.'


----------



## hardtime

I just don't care anymore. As soon as she gets a place, my life can start to get back to a more normal state. If you can call a divorce normal.


----------



## Nickitta

> Just moved over from coping with infidelity forum. (Wife had an affair). Finally had enough last night and am going to file for divorce. I could only take so much blame, and she can't except much. Just ready to move forward. My anger is deep in the fact that she was not willing to commit to trying to work on our marriage. Not sure what happens now, but with the help of all of you that are going through or have been through this and the advice of my lawyer, I know I can get through this.


She is the one who had an affair, so the bulk of the repair work to save the marriage should be done by *HER*. She is obviously not showing any remorse as she is unwilling to work at saving the marriage. You are doing the right thing by filing for divorce.


----------



## hardtime

Nickitta said:


> She is the one who had an affair, so the bulk of the repair work to save the marriage should be done by *HER*. She is obviously not showing any remorse as she is unwilling to work at saving the marriage. You are doing the right thing by filing for divorce.


:iagree:


----------



## hardtime

Looked at her in the eyes for the first time in about a month. I think I have lost all feelings towards her. Kind of wierd.

She finally found a house to rent. Move out day is Nov 1.


----------



## turnera

Not too long to wait til your new, improved life can begin.


----------



## hardtime

turnera said:


> Not too long to wait til your new, improved life can begin.


:iagree:
Kind of excited, but a little scared too.


----------



## F-102

You're a strong guy, HT-you'll do fine.


----------



## hardtime

Just had a suprise for my 40th birthday. went to my aunts house for dinner and the family suprissed me with a cake. Something my wife never had done. It is great to have such loving and caring family and friends. Thanks to all TAM freinds also.

I left for the weeekend to just get away. The W confronted me on Thursday night about why and were I was going. She then asked me if I was seeing someone. She thought she should here it from me if I was. I replied "No, I am having a hard enough time with what is going on in my life now, why would I be seeing someone with all this drama." I guess when you cheat, you automaticaly believe that everyone else around you does too. So I leave, and at 11:00 pm I get a text from her asking if I have signal. I didn't reply. Guess she was just checking up on me. I believe I will let her wonder if I am seeing someone.


----------



## Chaparral

Happy birthday Hardtime. I'm betting things and birthdays are going to get better all the time. Stay strong.


----------



## turnera

Happy birthday.

You missed a valuable chance for a truth dart. 'No, I'm not seeing anyone. One cheater in the family is enough.'


----------



## Chaparral

turnera said:


> Happy birthday.
> 
> You missed a valuable chance for a truth dart. 'No, I'm not seeing anyone. One cheater in the family is enough.'


Or just "Not yet"


----------



## hardtime

Well, woke up this morning, and the W wished me a happy birthday. Later texted me saying "I know everything pretty much sucks right now, but do wish you a happy birthday and a great day ." Then asked me if I would like to go to dinner after I get home this weekend from a wedding that I am attending. Not sure how to take the kindness. Is it just kindness because it is my birthday or is she rethinking her decissions.


----------



## turnera

If she were rethinking, she would be showing you through actions. Not words.


----------



## Nickitta

> Is it just kindness because it is my birthday or is she rethinking her decissions.


Take it as a gesture kindness. Don't raise your hopes too high and don't see too much into it otherwise you will get hurt again. Just enjoy the dinner!


----------



## F-102

Happy B-day, bro. I myself hit the big 4-0 in a few days!


----------



## hardtime

F-102 said:


> Happy B-day, bro. I myself hit the big 4-0 in a few days!


Happy B-day F-102


----------



## hardtime

Nickitta said:


> Take it as a gesture kindness. Don't raise your hopes too high and don't see too much into it otherwise you will get hurt again. Just enjoy the dinner!


Ya, you are right. Maybe I should do like she always did. order the most expensivething on the menu.


----------



## joe kidd

Happy B-day. Turned 40 a few months back. Just so you know.... 40 is the new 39. :rofl:


----------



## hardtime

Had a great time over the weekend. Went camping with my son and youngest step daughter. Went to a wedding for a good friend. That was hard. Brought on emotions that I almost could not control. 

Got home, and STBXW *****es at me, because I don't think I want to buy Christmas presents for the kids with her. I fell like I want to buy my own. Then gets mad when she askes me if I would come over on Christmas day to watch kids open presents. Says she can't reson with me about anything. Thinks this would be as normal as possable for the kids. I said, if you want as normal as possable, then they should be in their home that they have lived in for the past 10 years. She didn't like that idea.


----------



## turnera

Good for you for standing up for what you believe. You don't have to stoop to her level.


----------



## Shaggy

Common hard time, why are you not with the program? Let her eat her cake. You're just determined to be controlling and mean! Common, she only has her best interests in mind. You are so mean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrQuatto

Shaggy said:


> Common hard time, why are you not with the program? Let her eat her cake. You're just determined to be controlling and mean! Common, she only has her best interests in mind. You are so mean.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly, there should be no consideration that the whole damned reason there is no normalcy for the kids now is because of her actions. Don't bring that up to her.

Be the nice guy, maybe invite her and OM over to new years eve and buy them a housewarming gift to boot.

Damn, some of the shlt they often say is just ludicrous!

Q~


----------



## hardtime

Now, she came home last night and saidthat her brakes in her truck are all f uped. She askes me if I am trying to sabatoge her? I replied, are you serious! She says that she just doesn't know what to think. 
I did not do anything to her truck, nor would I. My kids ride in that truck. I guess it is just another way to place blame on me. Getting used to that. Just want her to move out, so I can have some peace of mind.


----------



## F-102

If she'll accuse you of that, she'll also try to accuse you of hitting her. Get VARs for the ENTIRE house-you may very well need to cover your a**!


----------



## turnera

Exactly. And get a spiral notebook and go back to the beginning and write out a timeline of everything she has said and done. There may be a time in a courtroom where you are defending yourself; a good documentation can go a long way to proving your side.


----------



## MrQuatto

HArd, any updates?


----------



## hardtime

Sorry all, have been going through some rough times. W moved out on Oct 30th. Have been talking some. I just wonder if I have made a mistake by filing for Divorce to fast. Realy miss her and the kids in the house. It has only been 2 weeks, so I know I need to let time pass to truly know how I feel. Just have a lot of emotions and thoughts going through my head. I do see the kids about every other day. Mostly my son. I have him for 3 to 4 days a week, but it sucks when he is not here. My 2 step daughters, I see about every other day or so. I miss the he*l out of them. House isn't the same when I come home. I suppose this is a natural feeling, but hate it.


----------



## hardtime

Been having some good conversations over the past couple of days. Don't know if it means anything posittive, but it is nice to talk without fighting. Will see how this seperation goes. I do know that I miss the family all in one house.


----------



## turnera

I know it's hard...but you can't control the other person in your marriage. You can only do the best you can. and be a good example.


----------



## hardtime

Been a while since last post. Update as of now, been accused of seeing/sleeping with other women, also becoming a drunk (been to the bar 4 times in last 5 months), am doong things that I never would have when we were together, and anything else she can think of to try and make me feel bad. She is getting stressed out from working two jobs. Complains about not having any money. (not my problem). Threatens about moving out of home town. Have had enough BS for a life time from her. Any R is pretty much out of the question. Getting used to new life without her. Still get to see kids often (mostly my son).


----------



## Chaparral

Tell her you are going to file and in the mean time have her read this if she hasn't already.

Print this off and make your wife read it:


Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! 
__________________


----------

