# Doubts about marrying my first girlfriend... what should I do?



## kxc (Apr 25, 2012)

Hello everyone,

There's a long back story (I'm actually not sure if it's entirely relevant), so please bear with me. Here goes!

I met my first girlfriend when I was 20 during an exchange to a university in Japan. She was 23 at the time, and had probably been in about five or six relationships. The difference in experience didn't seem relevant at the time, and we were happy. She was (and still is) amazing, and I was really in love with her. She had mentioned she didn't see the point of getting married, and couldn't even thinking about getting married until she was around 30, which was fine for me. I had just turned 20, after all.
I went back home for a year to finish my degree, and we decided to continue our relationship long-distance. Just before I graduated, I managed to find a job in Japan in a location close to her so that we could be together, only to find out that she had accepted a position in the Philippines at her company, knowing full well that I was mainly coming back to Japan for her. She would literally have to leave for the Philippines the day I'd be arriving. We talked on Skype one night, and I brought up the topic of breaking up. However, she started crying, and I found I couldn't go through with it. I decided I'd just make the best of Japan and wait for her to come back (since I had an interest in the place after all). In hindsight, it might have been foolish of me to have not broken up at that point..

Anyway, about 9 months or so after I'd moved to Japan, I decided that it would be best to break up after all. She said she wasn't sure when she was coming home, so it seemed ridiculous to keep waiting. I went through with it in the end, only for her to come back after the one year was up. She said that she had come back, in the hopes of getting back together with me. I was reluctant, but again, gave in to her tears. She had apparently made up her mind, and decided that I was more important, and was more than willing to come back home with me, after I was done with my job. We dated happily for a while, but I found that I wasn't quite as happy as before. She is my first girlfriend though... so I just assumed the initial honeymoon phase was over.

I started having doubts, about whether or not I had made the right choice. I thought I still loved her, but was unsure she was the right one for me. There were no major problems, and we never had any serious fights. However, I thought long and hard, and decided I might just be better off without her after all. After many tears (from me, as well), we broke up again. She had never wanted to break up in the first place though, and after a little time had passed convinced me that she should talk. Somehow, she convinced me that we should get back together again... and I found myself falling victim to her tears again.

I'm now 23 (she's 26), so I guess her perspective on marriage has changed. I think it might have had to do with a lot the friends around her getting married. She suddenly brought up the topic of us getting married, and sensing my apprenhension, added that she meant within the next 2 years. I'm sure she would've been willing to get married sooner, though. She also mentioned that there was pressure from her grandmother, who wanted to see her grandchildren before she passed away. Alarm bells went off in my head at that moment, and... with my mind being clouded with doubts and all, I broke it off again. I felt like I would just end up hurting her again with my indecisiveness if we stayed together. I was really confused, which she realised. Fortunately, we parted amiably.

I actually went on a trip for a week just after we broke up again, since it was already planned out and all... and since we were to attend a mutual friend's wedding, she said she would book a (separate) room for me. When I got back to Japan, she said that there were no other rooms available in the hotel, or any other hotel in the area, so she had to book us in the same room. And... I think you can probably see where this is going. She managed to convince us to get back together once again. I know, I'm a fool. I used to think those guys who continuously broke up and got back together with their girlriends were serious jerks, and now I've become one of them.

Anyway, we spent the weekend together, and had fun. She's still very much in love with me, and loves me unconditionally... all my faults and everything. She's convinced I'm "the one". Me, on the other hand... I have no idea what I should do. It's not like I'm that unhappy or anything... basically, what it comes down to, is that she is an amazing girl. If I stay with her, we'll likely end up getting married in the not-to-distant future. Even if we don't go through with marriage very soon, we'd basically be just as good as married. I think we'd live a pretty happy life together. However, if I do marry her... I also realise that it'll be for the rest of my life. I feel like she's ready to settle down now, whereas I feel like I'm kind of just getting started. I think I still love her, but I'm just so uncertain about the future. With all these doubts in my mind about our relationship, I might just end up hurting her again too. At the same time though, I'm worred that if I were to break up with her again right now, I won't be able to find anyone like her, and will have to settle for a mediocre relationship in the future... or something along those lines. Just thinking of not being with her, and not being able to see her anymore makes me feel really unhappy.

Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not. After writing all that though, I feel like I should break up with her soon, for good... As in, that would be the logical thing to do. At the same time, though... I feel like I'd deeply regret doing that. 
If anyone can spare some advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. Sorry for the long read. Thanks a lot!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is your first girlfriend. You are only 23 years old. She is pushing you into things/marriage that you clearly aren't ready for. I think you know what you need to do.

Whatever you decide you need to commit to that decision and stop stringing this girl along.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't marry her yet. Go live life a little.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't get married. You are 23 and have doubts. That is your gut talking to you.

Just say no.


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