# Waiting for God to work in my marriage



## cthruself

I've been married 25 years. 10 years ago my husband had an affair with my best friend. I did nothing about it for 5 months. When I knew something for sure, that there was a relationship going on I filed for divorce. 3 days after the divorce he came back apologizing and moved back home. He left again a couple weeks later and stayed out till 7 months later when he ended his relationship with my best friend. We dated and set up some boundaries and God was more a part of our lives than ever. We got remarried 3 months later. 

Now it has been 5 months after my husband said he was leaving again because of a whole list of things not making him happy. I've sensed his drifting from God and have prayed earnestly for him. He has not filed for divorce but has admitted to a "friendship" with some woman. After 5 months I've finally discovered who it is and that he stays overnight with her. I'm willing to be patient with God who knows all things, but knowing what the Bible says is it right to not confront him that I know about this relationship?

I'd like to hear from someone who has been the betrayer and what would be the most loving God-willed action at this point


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## Lyn

Scripture says that when someone has sinned against us, go to them and address the manner. If your brother does not amend his ways, bring in another person.

When I was informed of my husband's affair, although it had been over for a while, I also brought in another person in that situation, because I felt for true change to be permanent, there needed to be accountability to someone in addition to myself.

Best,

Lyn


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## Mike188

Lyn said:


> Scripture says that when someone has sinned against us, go to them and address the manner. If your brother does not amend his ways, bring in another person.
> 
> When I was informed of my husband's affair, although it had been over for a while, I also brought in another person in that situation, because I felt for true change to be permanent, there needed to be accountability to someone in addition to myself.
> 
> Best,
> 
> Lyn



Matthew 18:15-17


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## cb45

have u not read the scriptures?

Jesus said except for adultery, it is the hardness of the heart
that divorce is even allowed or considered.

u have an adulterer on yer hands. forgive and press on with 
yer "weak" H &/or marr'ge, or forgive and move on without him
in yer life.

seems clear cut to me. how bout u?

shalom.


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## cthruself

God says retribution is His, should I wait to confront to show patience for God's will? I never felt right about filing for divorce last time. Something is holding me back from filing this time. I told my h I wasn't going to file (we have been separated 5 months). He has not filed. I know he is trying to protect his cheating life and also trying to be nice to me! Guess the guilt is driving him to be that way.


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## Lyn

cthruself said:


> God says retribution is His, should I wait to confront to show patience for God's will? I never felt right about filing for divorce last time. Something is holding me back from filing this time. I told my h I wasn't going to file (we have been separated 5 months). He has not filed. I know he is trying to protect his cheating life and also trying to be nice to me! Guess the guilt is driving him to be that way.



Or, sin.

L


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## cb45

Love doesnt mean u have
to be a doormat.

let the H>S> be yer guide; as tough Love is sometimes the
way to go.


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## allisterfiend

I have done it all. I see escorts from time to time. So, yes, I am a betrayer. As far as waiting on god, your wasting your time. Dump religion and you dump your guilt.

I dont believe in any kind of diety, especially one who keeps attendance. I do believe Jesus was a good man who died for a principal. . . Be Nice. But he was no god.

"I hate to twist your mind, but god aint on your side!"


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## Jennifer_DIN

I really don't see what religion has to do with your situation - if he keeps cheating then surely you're just not fulfilling each other's needs (not sexual needs necessarily, I am talking general needs - emotional etc.)

I think you're delaying things and wasting your own time - confront him and give him an ultimatum - if this can't be fixed then you need to go your separate ways, if it can then he needs to commit to you 100%!


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## TNgirl232

Sometimes God's answer is his silence. He may be telling you its time to move on.


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## ShreddedWheat

You have clear Scriptural permission to get out of this marriage. The question you need to ask yourself is the old Dear Abby one: Are you better with him or without him?


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## norajane

For God to be in your marriage, both of you need to care about that. Your H clearly does not. Find someone who will, or go your own way, but stop wasting the life God gave you on a man who cheats on you.


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## NaturalHeart

cthruself said:


> I've been married 25 years. 10 years ago my husband had an affair with my best friend. I did nothing about it for 5 months. When I knew something for sure, that there was a relationship going on I filed for divorce. 3 days after the divorce he came back apologizing and moved back home. He left again a couple weeks later and stayed out till 7 months later when he ended his relationship with my best friend. We dated and set up some boundaries and God was more a part of our lives than ever. We got remarried 3 months later.
> 
> Now it has been 5 months after my husband said he was leaving again because of a whole list of things not making him happy. I've sensed his drifting from God and have prayed earnestly for him. He has not filed for divorce but has admitted to a "friendship" with some woman. After 5 months I've finally discovered who it is and that he stays overnight with her. I'm willing to be patient with God who knows all things, but knowing what the Bible says is it right to not confront him that I know about this relationship?
> 
> I'd like to hear from someone who has been the betrayer and what would be the most loving God-willed action at this point


 
The least he could do is not put it on you as if you're making him unhappy if that is the case. He left you, but came back only to leave 7 months ---- sounds like he is trying to keep you from moving on but wanting to have a full blown affair and another life and partner down the street round the corner. What he SHOULD do is tell you that he is not good enough for you and you deserve better. 

He should tell you that he is a man not able to be faithful to you and wants to be with other women. He should say that he'd rather leave you before he takes for granted what he has taken since you two have been married.

He wants to leave - let him go. He seems to want to play for about a year and come on back home. That is not ok


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## Mike188

Christians who stray from their marriage will rarely change their behavior to "get right with God" or because they want to start living right. They cheated in the first place because their morals and values are all screwed up. Therefore their spirituality was a big joke the whole time and it will probably never mean anything to them. People rarely change. Maybe in a few years you will have someone better and THAT will be the answer to your prayers.


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## COguy

You think a God who loves you and thinks you are fit to be his bride would want you to stay in your marriage?

What advice would you give to your child in the same situation, to continue being used and mistreated? If you, being of the flesh, would want your child to be treated properly and be happy, how much more does God want for you?

You are a child of the king, no heir to royalty would tolerate this behavior. Stop believing that you are not worthy of respect, admiration, and loyalty.


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## Kurosity

He is not loving you like Jesus loved the church.

And you are not holding him accountable. Expose his sins to everyone giving him no place to hide his sin. You are letting him treat you this way so he will continue to do so because you are becoming a door matt. 

It is this simple. He commites to you and you alone or there is the door, good bye. 
You have to stick to that or he will come home and leave again and then come home and then leave. Remove his security blanket, sure thing, and may be the lights will turn on. If they don't you need to leave.

A woman of God is not weak and should never take less then what God has promissed for us.


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## heavensangel

We teach people how to treat us! - Dr. Phil 

Seems your H wants to have his cake (you available @ home) and eat it too (lovers on the side). 

This is NOT what God intended for marriage. This is NOT your H loving you sacrificially as Christ loved the church. What he's sacrificing is YOU and your dignity as a loving, kind, caring wife. Believe it or not, there are H out there who are capable of loving YOU the way God intended for you to be loved. God LOVES you! and he wants better for you. You are worth so much more than this.


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## jgayle01

Divorce is NEVER easy, no matter how glaring the betrayal. Even if making the decision is easy, most times the process is not. So I don't take your situation lightly and I don't believe the other posters do either.
You husband clearly has a problem. I empathize with you for waiting on God to send an answer. I believe that sometimes we "wait for answer" when we are afraid to make a move. God has given us strength and boldness as well as meakness. Meakness is power under control. I think you have mistaken weakness for meakness. Your behaviors (or lack thereof) are demonstrating weakness, not meakness.
So how do you approach your husband? Speak boldy (not loudly) and tell him the truth. "Husband, I am aware of your infidelity again and your broken promises to me. God wants the best for me and this marriage is not God's best. We cannot walk together unless we agree and are committed to becoming one. I cannot be one with an adulterer. My husband will honor me and commit to the marriage as God intended. Are you my husband or not?"
Something like that. If he says "Yes"...which he probably will, don't stop there. "My husband does not cheat. My husband does not lie to me. My husband does not blame me for his failings. My husband lovingly tells me what his needs are. My husband expects the best for our marriage. Are you my husband or not?"
Keep going and make your affirmations stronger. "My husband loves me and only me. My husband wants to spend time with me. My husband loves the way I look. My husband loves to share our bed. My husband appreciates me. My husband respects me. Are you my husband or not?"
When he finishes saying "Yes" to all those questions, look him in the face and tell him that he has NOT been those things and he is NOT your husband. If he wants to be your husband, start correcting all the lies he just told. If that seems like too much work, he can be someone else's husband because you've already shown that he is not YOUR HUSBAND AS GOD INTENDED.


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## PFTGuy

cthruself said:


> I've been married 25 years. 10 years ago my husband had an affair with my best friend. I did nothing about it for 5 months. When I knew something for sure, that there was a relationship going on I filed for divorce. 3 days after the divorce he came back apologizing and moved back home. He left again a couple weeks later and stayed out till 7 months later when he ended his relationship with my best friend. We dated and set up some boundaries and God was more a part of our lives than ever. We got remarried 3 months later.
> 
> Now it has been 5 months after my husband said he was leaving again because of a whole list of things not making him happy. I've sensed his drifting from God and have prayed earnestly for him. He has not filed for divorce but has admitted to a "friendship" with some woman. After 5 months I've finally discovered who it is and that he stays overnight with her. I'm willing to be patient with God who knows all things, but knowing what the Bible says is it right to not confront him that I know about this relationship?
> 
> I'd like to hear from someone who has been the betrayer and what would be the most loving God-willed action at this point


Hi,
I'm responding because I have been the guilty party in my marriage. For me, the only way to refrain from committing transgressions is to give up any hope or desire for sexual gratification or emotional connection to a woman, because after 20 years of marriage there still is and never has been a close sense of physicial or emotional intimacy with my wife. I'm trying to replace the behaviors that led me into sin with Scripture study, which is far more satisfying than Internet chat rooms, anyway.

If you want to save your marriage, I think you would need to determine what is motivating your husband's behavior and whether his needs are something you can meet. But, change won't come unless he's committed to being a faithful husband. I don't know if you can do more than to express your desire to work on the relationship and offer a chance for reconciliation. If he refuses, then I believe your are clearly justified in seeking divorce. The most loving and God-willed action on your part may be to set him free, in order to protect yourself.


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## COguy

PFTGuy said:


> Hi,
> I'm responding because I have been the guilty party in my marriage. For me, the only way to refrain from committing transgressions is to give up any hope or desire for sexual gratification or emotional connection to a woman, because after 20 years of marriage there still is and never has been a close sense of physicial or emotional intimacy with my wife. I'm trying to replace the behaviors that led me into sin with Scripture study, which is far more satisfying than Internet chat rooms, anyway.
> 
> If you want to save your marriage, I think you would need to determine what is motivating your husband's behavior and whether his needs are something you can meet. But, change won't come unless he's committed to being a faithful husband. I don't know if you can do more than to express your desire to work on the relationship and offer a chance for reconciliation. If he refuses, then I believe your are clearly justified in seeking divorce. The most loving and God-willed action on your part may be to set him free, in order to protect yourself.


Horrible advice. You think God wants you to live in a relationship where you have no physical or emotional intimacy? God made sex awesome for a reason, he wants you to have it. He wants you to have tons of it. He wants it to be great.

Your lack of connection with your wife is a problem that you need to address.


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## allisterfiend

COguy said:


> Horrible advice. You think God wants you to live in a relationship where you have no physical or emotional intimacy? God made sex awesome for a reason, he wants you to have it. He wants you to have tons of it. He wants it to be great.
> 
> 
> 
> Even more horrible advice. Forget "god". He has forgotten you, if there ever was one.
> The dirty little secret about sex is its not so dirty after all. The wierd thing is, even though its natural, sex can make us uncomptorable. But if we work at it, we can get beyond that discomfort, and learn that sex can actually be a comfort.
> Sex can even be a cure. How do I know all this?.....because no one understands sex bettter than someone who isnt having it! lol!!!!!!!!!
> 
> "I hate to twist your mind, but god aint on your side"
Click to expand...


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## striving

allisterfiend said:


> COguy said:
> 
> 
> 
> Horrible advice. You think God wants you to live in a relationship where you have no physical or emotional intimacy? God made sex awesome for a reason, he wants you to have it. He wants you to have tons of it. He wants it to be great.
> 
> 
> 
> Even more horrible advice. Forget "god". He has forgotten you, if there ever was one.
> The dirty little secret about sex is its not so dirty after all. The wierd thing is, even though its natural, sex can make us uncomptorable. But if we work at it, we can get beyond that discomfort, and learn that sex can actually be a comfort.
> Sex can even be a cure. How do I know all this?.....because no one understands sex bettter than someone who isnt having it! lol!!!!!!!!!
> 
> "I hate to twist your mind, but god aint on your side"
> 
> 
> 
> So I'm not sure why you're posting in this forum if you're hostile towards God or don't believe in God? Maybe this isn't the right forum for you?
> 
> I think different forums are created so that people of similar mindsets/beliefs/convictions/experience can share and support each other. I'm sure there must be a group on this site that would better suit your needs and be able to appreciate your words more.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


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