# Probably Nothing, could be A lot



## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

So here's the deal, been fairly happily married for 7 years, my wife is 10 years younger than me she being 32. We have two kids together ages 6 and 2 and for the most part have a pretty good relationship in every aspect except physically. My wife suffers from RA and sex hurts her because of hip and back problems. She "sacrifices" for me about once a month but it is only one way "hurry up and get it over with" no foreplay, which is odd, its been like this for about 2 years now and it sucks. That's the background in short. We recently took a much needed getaway weekend with no kids, five star hotel and it was great until the second night. We went out to a late dinner, planning on coming back around 11 to the hotel and drinking at the hotel bar until it closed. Well I didn't make it that far, at the restaurant I had quite a few drinks and ended up passed out on the bed while she was changing to go down to the bar. She decided to go down anyway, she had also had quite a bit to drink already. We already have a rule that in our marriage we do not frequent bar without one another, its a mutual agreement we started when we were dating. Well when I woke up the next morning she was in bed with me, very hung over, as was I. She told me she closed the bar down and that she charged three drinks to our room. I asked her how it was, she said good and that this guy would not leave her alone. Im used to guys hitting on my wife, she's very pretty and very outgoing. She said she had to wave her wedding ring in this guys face, told him I was upstairs, and even showed him pics of our family. That was pretty much the end of it. She got in the shower and during which I went to use her Iphone to figure the best route home for later. On the phone facebook was open to a private message to this guy. Here it is, {So when a woman wards off your advances all night and talks about her family and even shows you a ****ing picture of said family before calling it a night, at what point does that give you the idea that she wants to come to your hotel room? I even pressed ****ing 7 in the elevator *******!!!! I was trashed but I'm not some young 21yr old. I've been playing the game just as long as you have buddy. I heard what you and your friends said and I saw you with your ****ing cell phone perched like you were either taking a picture or video. If that **** isn't erased immediately you will regret you ever met me} Now I did not confront her about this because I didn't want the fight about going in her phone, not that it would have been that big of a deal. I did however get her to give me more details about that night later in the week. The one thing she add about the elevator is he pulled her out of it on his floor and tried to get her to come to his room, she flung away from him and went back downstairs to smoke a cig, she says so he wouldn't know where our room was. The one thing she didn't mention was about the pictures or video thing which is bothering me greatly. My questions are 1. She gets hit on all the time, why send a message like this the morning after. 2. Why leave out the part about the pic, video when we talked about it. I also want to say I tried to have sex with her that morning and she refused, and then later that week she came down with some kinda vaginal infection. Of course everything could be a coincidence but its driving me crazy. Oh one thing the guy did message her back with this. "Look there are no pics or videos honestly, I want to forget last night happened. You go on with your life I'll go on with mine." That's the last time they talked at all. Two months later she still hasn't erased the message and we both have each others facebook passwords, so if she was trying to hide it then why erase it. But the bigger question is why send a message at all? Thought please.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Ummm...yeah

Some guy bothers her at the bar. She claims the good wife and mom. How did she get to know him so well that she is communicating with him on facebook?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> Ummm...yeah
> 
> Some guy bothers her at the bar. She claims the good wife and mom. How did she get to know him so well that she is communicating with him on facebook?


Couldn't have said it any better.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I would be thinking the same thing I know you are thinking. That line about the pic and video does not sound good. Hmmm ... in what situation would he have a phone "perched" like he was taking a picture or video? Why would she be SO upset if he simply made a move on her but nothing happened? Why would she be so adamant that any pic or video taken be deleted?

The line about "playing the game"? It could be interpreted as fending off advances ... but I'd ask her directly.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

First off, paragraphs would help you immensely here. I had trouble following it, but what's the problem here? From what I gather, she went to the bar, some young, horny, drunk guy hit on her, and even in her inebriated state she still was very aware of the conditions and made it clear to the guy that she was very much committed to her family and marriage.

Exchanging FB was a little odd, but maybe it was a way to get the guy to leave her alone. From the pictures/videos you saw, were they taken at the bar or were they in a private/bedroom setting? Maybe she hasn't deleted the messages because she forget they were there? I rarely used FB and I get crap on posted on my FB wall or private inbox that I don't even think about. I just forget to get rid of it because FB is not important to me at all.

I'd be a little concerned about the vaginal infection, but this certainly does not mean STD in all or most cases. Refusing sex is a bit concerning too, except for the fact that she seems to withhold sex often. Have you asked her in recent days or weeks about the specifics of that night? Do you have any general idea as to when she came back to the room? Has there ever been suspicions or problems with infidelity in the past?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Ask her directly about the video/pic and don't give her time to think up an answer.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What did she say about breaking your rule about going to the bar without you?

Why would she have to show him her wedding ring and show him pictures of her family? Couldn't she just tell the management that some d-bag was harassing her and she wanted it to stop?

Then why get on the elevator with him and his friends after all that?

Needless to say, it doesn't sound like the picture or video was of her face or her shoes. How would they be in position to get a picture or video of her in a compromised position?

It also bothers me that she says "I've been playing the game just as long as you have buddy." Also that she sat there and "wards off his advances all night" without just blowing him off, complaining to the management of the place, or just leaving.

Why would she even want to hang out there, drunk, alone?

These are probably all the same questions you have. Doesn't look like you are ever going to get an answer. Unless you ask.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Drunk women in bar getting hit on by guy. She refuses his advances then he tries to get her to go to her room. She goes back to your room and tells you everything except that he tried to get her to his room. She then has messages talking about some kind of pics or videos on her phone and comes down with a vaginal problem.

You have enough to be very very curious. Where the hell was the phone propped up for him to be taking pics? He says he just wants to forget it okay is he married? Why does he want to forget it, what was so bad that he does not want to remember it? I would ask what the hell is going on if I found that kind of text with my wifes phone I would have some serious questions as that is some strange crap.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

It was a quick message on FB she must of did a search, because she didn't add him as a friend or send him a friend request, but your right, why would she even know the guys name.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Please put in paragraphs


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> What did she say about breaking your rule about going to the bar without you?
> 
> Why would she have to show him her wedding ring and show him pictures of her family? Couldn't she just tell the management that some d-bag was harassing her and she wanted it to stop?
> 
> ...


She apologized for going and said she had looked forward to going before we went out to dinner, but I passed out and she wasn't ready to go to bed. The way the pic thing is worded it could also be that he was taking pics of her from across the bar. Guess Ill just have to bring it up.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> What did she say about breaking your rule about going to the bar without you?
> 
> Why would she have to show him her wedding ring and show him pictures of her family? Couldn't she just tell the management that some d-bag was harassing her and she wanted it to stop?
> 
> ...





MicroStorm said:


> First off, paragraphs would help you immensely here. I had trouble following it, but what's the problem here? From what I gather, she went to the bar, some young, horny, drunk guy hit on her, and even in her inebriated state she still was very aware of the conditions and made it clear to the guy that she was very much committed to her family and marriage.
> 
> Exchanging FB was a little odd, but maybe it was a way to get the guy to leave her alone. From the pictures/videos you saw, were they taken at the bar or were they in a private/bedroom setting? Maybe she hasn't deleted the messages because she forget they were there? I rarely used FB and I get crap on posted on my FB wall or private inbox that I don't even think about. I just forget to get rid of it because FB is not important to me at all.
> 
> I'd be a little concerned about the vaginal infection, but this certainly does not mean STD in all or most cases. Refusing sex is a bit concerning too, except for the fact that she seems to withhold sex often. Have you asked her in recent days or weeks about the specifics of that night? Do you have any general idea as to when she came back to the room? Has there ever been suspicions or problems with infidelity in the past?


No I never saw any pictures, she was threatening him about seeing him with his phone propped up like he was taking pic or video and if he was he should erase immediately. She didn't add him as a friend or send him a friend request. Sorry about the paragraph thing BTW


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Get a time alone when you have a few hours together, no kids, no interruptions.

Tell her what you saw, ask her for an explanation. Be calm and phrase it like you have an open mind but really have been bothered by it and it just isn't going away. If she tries to delay giving you an answer or explanation, tell her you need an explanation now, not after she leaves and tries to dream something up.

Hopefully she gives you an explanation and doesn't just blow up at you. Her reaction should tell you a lot.

Innocent people when confronted with something that doesn't look too good will understand your concern and try to clear it up for you. They will give you a direct denial. "Did anything happen?" "No, nothing happened."

Guilty people often will try to deflect, may answer your question with a question, and may not even answer the question you asked but rather answer a different question - "did anything happen?" "how come you are snooping on me?" "the guy was married" "I don't remember" "he wasn't even my type."

After she gives you the story, it should make sense. If it doesn't, it probably was a lie. If you are too close to the situation to judge what makes sense or not, post it here and we will tell you.

If she really was very drunk, you do realize that alcohol lowers inhibitions, it increases the libido, and it impairs judgement, right? Not a good situation for an attractive woman in a pickup bar.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Why haven't you confronted her about the pics/video message yet?

There is definitely SOMETHING there she is worried about intensely. 

There is absolutely NO reason for this angst if it isn't something bad. It isn't just simply a pic snapped at the bar or in the elevator.

Also. why is she even in the elevator with this guy and his friends?

And why is this a night they both just need to forget and move on from?

Something definitely went down.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Something tells me she went out to have fun, then regretted it. I would think she flirted (thats how she got the name for facebook) maybe even danced with him, when he pushed to go further she backed off. 

I would put a stop to it either way, seems like she maybe looking for a distraction.

If you can read the message why not message the guy? Ask him directly? Lookes like your wife wont fess up.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You should never feel guilty for looking at her phone, if she has nothing to hide she won't be upset.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Get a time alone when you have a few hours together, no kids, no interruptions.
> 
> Tell her what you saw, ask her for an explanation. Be calm and phrase it like you have an open mind but really have been bothered by it and it just isn't going away. If she tries to delay giving you an answer or explanation, tell her you need an explanation now, not after she leaves and tries to dream something up.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this, Ill give it a go and let you know what she does. Problem is I don't think I'm ready for the worse, and yes I do know these things about alcohol.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

"Look there are no pics or videos honestly, I want to forget last night happened. You go on with your life I'll go on with mine." 

How can this not look bad? If these guys were so bothersome why not just leave and come back to your room. Instead she told you that closed the bar (against your rules) and that these guys were hanging around all night. This does not make sense if they bothered her like she said.

The question of the FB is troubling. It is this paragraph of him telling your wife that there are no pictures or videos honestly and wanting to forget what happened last night and you go on with your life and I will go on with mine. It seems quite obvious that something happened and that your wife is scared ****-less that one of guys had a picture of her in a compromising situation. How else really do you interpret the message.

She broke your rule and spend the night closing the bar with these guys hanging over her and freaks out about possible pictures or videos of her and the both of them are communicating on Facebook. You would have to be in big time denial to think that something bad did not go down.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

scely714 said:


> 'Been fairly happily married for 7 years
> 
> We have two kids together ages 6 and 2 and for the most part have a pretty good relationship in every aspect except physically.
> ... it <sex-life> sucks. That's the background in short.
> ...


Would she act the same way if roles were reversed? 
Have you discussed that you are not happy with the sex life?
Have you asked already for 3rd or 4th time? 
What answer on the "_vacation bar incident_" has not helped you to understand?
What time line of events would satisfy? 
Would she be upset of finding out you 'snooped' on her phone and FB?

You and her need to do a quick marriage check. She needs to know where you stand about your concerns are. You think there could be missing information about that night. You have asked her once already and she answered, but you were not satisfied. Be prepared for more defensive stance and explanation, then possibly followed by resentment. You need to be brutally honest and open.

If you can not be totally honest with your wife, then maybe you and her need more MC, and need to start doing more to explore why you are married... 
So what was the reason for your marriage? Kids only? Convenience? Friendship? Sex? or is it still about a committed bonding life-long love?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It may be just me, but I'd be much more concerned about the sex only once a month!!! Really You said she was very out going, and she didn't seem to be in much pain repelling down to the bar and fighting off the dudes she was flirting with at the bar with. I wouldn't worry about that one night, either nothing happened or something is always "happening". Lack of sex in marriage is a BIG HUGE red flag. Not always infidelity, but some serious issues unless both individuals are LD. I have all sorts of physical issues (I'm old), so does my wife, but where there's a will there's a way, and when it comes to sex, I have a will. It's sex, not football!! (not anymore anyway).


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I've never sent someone on FB a message without knowing their name. So she knew at least his name and some other details to find him on FB. Why? That's quite a bit of conversation and personal details to gather when telling someone to get lost.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> I've never sent someone on FB a message without knowing their name. So she knew at least his name and some other details to find him on FB. Why? That's quite a bit of conversation and personal details to gather when telling someone to get lost.


I would tell her you saw the message and ask her to explain it.

However, given this little mystery I don't think either of the following happened

1) relationship that will continue after that night
2) sex

What I think happened is maybe she was goaded into doing a little strip tease at the bar, or flashing her breasts or something like that which was videotaped. She was having fun flirting, and then when the guy tried to take it too far, she got pissed, stormed back to the room and then left him the scathing message.

Bottom line, I think your wife was playing a total tease to these guys. And this left them pissed too, which is why he wants to forget the night ever happened.

My take.

Regarding FB - people who are flirting often have their smart phones out - these people were taking videos, etc. Maybe they each showed each other pictures on FB of their lives. If they did that, it would be easy for her to see his name and know how to find him to send a message.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I would tell her you saw the message and ask her to explain it.
> 
> However, given this little mystery I don't think either of the following happened
> 
> ...


That very well could be the scenario. That would be the good news. The bad news is that your sex life is essentially nonexistent and your attractive and already tipsy WIFE likes to go to hotel bars without you and stay there until closing time. Few people have good intentions at a hotel bar near closing time. THAT is a recipe for trouble.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> That very well could be the scenario. That would be the good news. The bad news is that your sex life is essentially nonexistent and your attractive and already tipsy WIFE likes to go to hotel bars without you and stay there until closing time. Few people have good intentions at a hotel bar near closing time. THAT is a recipe for trouble.


People flirt. She flirted way too much, IMHO. But I don't think she consummated it. He should have a talk with her about reestablishing bar/flirting boundaries, and ask her if she is frustrated about her lack of ability to have sex. Maybe there is a medical way they can deal with it so they can satisfy these little urges in a healthy way instead of teasing guys at a bar.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

BTW, friending or finding someone on Facebook is now a very common way of exchanging contact information with someone without going so far as to give them your phone number, thus keeping a little more distance.

Asking for or giving a phone number is showing a definite interest in dating someone.

Asking someone "are you on facebook" is less threatening or intimate. Adding someone to thousands of "friends" keeps a safe distance.

My wife is a Pastor and she loves to meet and connect with new people. "Friending" them on FB is something she is always doing. 

Not that having to fend of this guy's forceful advances is appropriate in any way!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IMHO---they both have some soul searching to do in re:---ALCOHOL

He was passed out on the bed---she was on vacation, and tho late at night she went down to the bar

Both were out of line due to the alcohol

She got into trouble, being in a place by herself late at night where she should not have been, and in a condition she should not have been in, she is being hassled by men she should have been nowhere near, but put herself in that situation, and caught a jerk, who wouldn't take no for an answer----she should have found someone to help her, and/or left---she didn't---so she had a situation that has now put a cloud on her mge.----and he---well as said before, he was passed out on the bed

Not a very good situation for the whole mge----


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Im betting the boobie flash thing.

Fits in perfectly with her text back to him.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I guess the note to me is highly suggestive of the following.
He hit on her all nite, she refused his advances in the way she described. She pressed her button the elevator.

But then, she ended up in his room, having sex or doing something related to sex, and noticed the phone was perched up taking videos.

My recommended approach is different... I would take this as proof that your wife is sexual and can be sexual. I would also realize that she is not having an affair. I would use it to gain confidence that you can ask for way more in your marriage to see where it goes. 

I would also say to you that if she can have sex with you once per month without emotion, then she can have sex with you as much as you want with feeling and emotion. In other words she is not physically unable to perform.

So, given all of this I would show her the note, tell her that you assume from the note that she hooked up with him sexually, and tell her that your marriage is going to be different from now on. That you intend to be in a marriage as God intended, a sexual union... And that you expect fulfilling and fun sex... And that you will give her fulfillment and fun in return.

And when she tries to explain herself in terms of that one night, what the note means etc.. Cut her off and say I am not interested in hearing this. What I am interested in is a loving wife and a sexual marriage... Only you can decide if your marriage is important to you.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Get a time alone when you have a few hours together, no kids, no interruptions.
> 
> Tell her what you saw, ask her for an explanation. Be calm and phrase it like you have an open mind but really have been bothered by it and it just isn't going away. If she tries to delay giving you an answer or explanation, tell her you need an explanation now, not after she leaves and tries to dream something up.
> 
> ...


Ok so I took your advice and calmly sat her down and told her that I saw the message and wanted some answers, especially concerning the pic/video thing. Thankfully to me she answered like someone who was completely telling the truth.

She went through the night from the time she left our room saying that I had told her in a half passed out mumble that I would be down in half an hour. So her tipsy self went down to enjoy the company of the bar tender, who we had met the night before and who was awesome. She sat at the bar and ordered a drink. There was a couple sitting to her left, an empty chair to her right and then the guy in question.

As the night went on her and Walter the bartender struck up a conversation about kids and this conversation was joined by the couple sitting next to her. She took out her phone and a began showing them pics of our kids. In steps the guy "oh you have kids, do you wanna see the pictures of mine etc. etc. at this point she said he was being nice and interested in our family as she was in his little boy (single dad), so they exchanged facebook info and he offered for the first of three offers to buy her a drink which she refused.

He moved back over to his seat and she said the whole night he was screwing around with his phone, texting, pointing it at her on the down low, hence the "I saw you with you phone perched up like you were taking a pic/video.

Throughout the 31/2 hours she was there his level of drunkenness increased as did his interest in my wife, around closing time she went out to smoke one last cig. and he followed her out. This is where he started talking about going up to his room, she was polite at first and then not so polite in turning him down. The bar closed and she and a few others headed to the elevators. My wife a couple other got on and as the doors closed he slipped on. She pressed our floor 7 and he pressed his 5 the others on the elevator got of on 3. By now he was on the phone, hindsight she's pretty sure it was to his friends waiting in the room upstairs, he said "hey make sure the door is open I'm coming up, Yeah", this is why she said I heard what you said to your friends.

He continued to say " why don't you just come to my room for a little bit, just for a drink" she continued to tell him no its not gonna happen. The doors open to his floor and he grabs her arm and attempts to pull her off onto his floor. That's when she made a scene got really loud cussed him out and yanked her arm back and he gave up. My wife is Italian and is very vocal she and I have extensive martial arts training so we can take care of ourselves. Anyways she was a little shaken up and she also didn't want to chance him following her to our room so she went back down to smoke a cig and calm down. She said quite a few people coming into the hotel asked if she was ok so she must have been showing distress of some kind. She then came up to the room and went to bed.

When she woke up the next morning remembering what happened she looked on facebook and got pissed off at how this guy had acted and how the night had ended this is when she sent him the message, she also deleted him as a friend off of her page. She said that the reason she was so mad is she didn't want him posting pics like you see so many times on FB of the drunk girl at the bar with the comment "yeah she got it that night in my room 2013 another conquest complete..lol"

So that's the story, she was very calm and understanding and agreed that it sounded bad and would have though the same thing. But got on me for not confronting her sooner, which I guess is warranted. She feels horrible that she broke our "rule" as this is exactly why we have it. She promised never to do it again but she truly did think I was coming down, now when I didn't she should have come back up, and she said as much. She had an answer that made perfect sense for every question I had.

I told her how lucky she was, because I think this guy had really bad intentions ie. dragging a girl off the elevator and into his room where his buddies are waiting to do whatever they want to her. She said she didn't give the details because she "handled" it nothing happened and she knows if she had told me then things would have gotten bad at the hotel.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> It may be just me, but I'd be much more concerned about the sex only once a month!!! Really You said she was very out going, and she didn't seem to be in much pain repelling down to the bar and fighting off the dudes she was flirting with at the bar with. I wouldn't worry about that one night, either nothing happened or something is always "happening". Lack of sex in marriage is a BIG HUGE red flag. Not always infidelity, but some serious issues unless both individuals are LD. I have all sorts of physical issues (I'm old), so does my wife, but where there's a will there's a way, and when it comes to sex, I have a will. It's sex, not football!! (not anymore anyway).


I get what your saying, she has Rheumatoid Arthritis, had it since birth. The last couple yrs things have gotten pretty bad, she has had multiple surgeries and is in consult now to have her hips replaced, she's 32. Her pelvis is affect greatly and the pain is incredible when we have sex. Nothing like your wife crying and cringing during sex to get ya in the mood. She is also on a lot of meds which absolutely kill her sex drive. so that's what Im dealing with. I consider myself lucky to get it once or twice a month but when I do she's doing it for me.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

scely714 said:


> I consider myself lucky to get it once or twice a month but when I do she's doing it for me.



Have heard that from more than my share of my male friends (of course we are older)

(Sorry for your wife's condition and not trying to make light of it)


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is a shame that your wife did not contact hotel security security and filed a police report against this guy. This was really dangerous.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Your wife seems to have escaped from a predator that has NO problems in chasing married women. What troubles me and others have stated is how easily she gave away her facebook details to complete strangers. She showed photos of you and the kids, to him......

Do you trust her now? 
Do both have FB accounts or is this a joint FB account?


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Your wife seems to have escaped from a predator that has NO problems in chasing married women. What troubles me and others have stated is how easily she gave away her facebook details to complete strangers. She showed photos of you and the kids, to him......
> 
> Do you trust her now?
> Do both have FB accounts or is this a joint FB account?


Yes I do trust her and we have separate account, however we have always had each others passwords.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

What bother´s me here is that she never told her husband this..
I mean the guy Basically try´s to drag her out of the elevator "aggressively" and she managed to get her self loose. And then goes 
down for a smoke,because she is afraid that the guy would find out
there room number.Hmm which is quite funny considering her husband is extensive martial arts training..


And she is so scared of the guy ,so she has to call and talk to him the next day.And don't forget the
FB..But then again stranger things have been known to happen..
Strange


Ps

Her story sound´s way to rehearsed .Just my 2cent´s on her story she told you


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Well I'm glad that this worked out for you the way it did. It seems that your wife dodged a bullet when this goon tried to muscle her out of the elevator.

He's obviously done this kind of thing before. My guess it that he worked it out of your wife that you weren't coming to the bar because you must have fell asleep/passout.

If she did indeed intentionally, or unintentionally give him this info, this is something to worry about. I know she was drunk, but she was too trusting of a strange man during a risky situation in a strange place with you nowhere in sight...

This could have ended so, so much worse. I shutter to think of it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would have ran to my room and woke up my husband. If you feel she was honest then let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If she's lying -not saying she is, but IF she is - then at least it was a good one.

Doubtful she would be able to come up with a plausible story being questioned out of the blue two months later.

I hope this puts your mind at ease.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I would have ran to my room and woke up my husband. If you feel she was honest then let it go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She may have been worried about the OP getting p1ssed at her going to the bar alone and that the OP would have went looking for this clown.

Not making excuses, but to me this would be the most probable reason(s).


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Jonesey said:


> What bother´s me here is that she never told her husband this..
> I mean the guy Basically try´s to drag her out of the elevator "aggressively" and she managed to get her self loose. And then goes
> down for a smoke,because she is afraid that the guy would find out
> there room number.Hmm which is quite funny considering her husband is extensive martial arts training..
> ...


I never said she called him the next day, she IM'd him on facebook, telling him off. I would have agreed with you about the rehearsed thing if this happened recently however it was almost 2 months ago it just took me this long to confront her about it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

As was mentioned she doged a bullet. Her story seemed convincing.

Hope you guys don't get falling down drunk like that often.(once every 20 yr is about right).

I admire your committment to your vows. This forum generally deals with "forsaking all others" and it appears she did just that. You are abiding by "in sickness and in health" and for that I tip my sombrero to you


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> As was mentioned she doged a bullet. Her story seemed convincing.
> 
> Hope you guys don't get falling down drunk like that often.(once every 20 yr is about right).
> 
> I admire your committment to your vows. This forum generally deals with "forsaking all others" and it appears she did just that. You are abiding by "in sickness and in health" and for that I tip my sombrero to you


Thank you, our faith plays a big part in it, and yes we will not be doing the falling down drunk thing, it was our first no kid getaway since our honeymoon and man I only had 3 long island ice teas.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

This wifes story does not add up. Something smells.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

theroad said:


> This wifes story does not add up. Something smells.


which part?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I have a few questions.
If your wife came to your room and another man chased her inside - in your condition could you have defended her and yourself?

Your wife makes a very good point. Why in the world did it take you 2 months to ask her about it? What does that say about your ability to communicate and your insecurity about your marriage?

This leads to another question. If your wife's story is accurate how in the hell could she not have told you the whole story immediately in the morning? Why in hell would she keep this to herself for 2 months also? There was a lot of drama going on. This is why I feel something is terribly out of what here. Am I wrong?


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

bryanp said:


> I have a few questions.
> If your wife came to your room and another man chased her inside - in your condition could you have defended her and yourself?
> 
> Your wife makes a very good point. Why in the world did it take you 2 months to ask her about it? What does that say about your ability to communicate and your insecurity about your marriage?
> ...


I don't know if I could have defended her or not. I didn't say anything because in my heart of hearts I was 95% sure nothing happened. The message she sent him went along exactly with the few details she eventually told me about a week after it happened. The only thing that was nagging me was the pic/video comment. She has never given me any reason to even think she would cheat on me, her actions that morning were nothing out of the ordinary. She didn't seem troubled or out of sorts, just hung over. She says she didn't tell me because she handled it, nothing happened, she didn't want to upset me or get me arrested for assaulting this guy, which would have happened. Granted it was a bad situation and she was lucky however unless I married the world most devious and incredible liar, and she is a totally different woman than I thought she was than she's telling the truth.

Now for the insecurity part yes I will admit it I am a touch insecure and should have confronted he the minute I saw the message. Its tough when the love of your life goes from being a vivacious passionate lover, to someone who is in excruciating pain during sex because of the disease she has. I know its not my fault but when your wife would rather not have sex with you it plays on your psyche after a while. You start to look for every other reason possible including yourself as the culprit. And when she does allow it because she loves me and you look down and you know your the cause of the tears of pain, that to has a huge affect.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks for answering Scely. It must be very very difficult for you. I wish you luck.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

scely714 said:


> which part?


The part where she was to scared to go to your hotel room.
Because she was afraid of him knowing the room number .

Instead she goes down for a smoke ,and then come´s back up to your room.

But she is not afraid to IM the guy the next day.To tell him off.
Why?? It´s so easy to find out where people live.After chatting on FB..

When some one is telling you a story ,and it´s to detailed
then it most often need´s to be..Then you can bet that something is not really right..

Finally a women that went thru a ordeal like this would as a bare minimum been shaken up as hell the next day.And most likely not look the guy up on FB...


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Jonesey said:


> The part where she was to scared to go to your hotel room.
> Because she was afraid of him knowing the room number .
> 
> Instead she goes down for a smoke ,and then come´s back up to your room.
> ...


 Your right the answers were very detailed, but I was asking very detailed questions, I caught her off guard and she didn't baulk at all. If she was lying she had 2 months of thinking she got away with it, the shock of me bringing it up would have made anyone waiver.

Ok lets reverse it lets say something did happen, don't you think she would have been even more shook up about just cheating on an otherwise pretty great marriage. Don't you think the FB message the next morning would have been worded a lot different? Something like "look what happened last night should not have happened, I was drunk and you took advantage of me you ***hole. I told you I was married and even showed you pix of my family. Let me just say you better erase any pics you may of taken or you'll wish you never met me" and don't you think the guys response would have been "F you we were both drunk and you wanted it just as much as me"? Or better yet, why send the message at all the next morning or ever? I get the morning after regret thing, but to send a message and to word it like she did if something other than what she said happened is hard to believe. Her story fits and she didn't have any warning I was going to ask her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

scely714 said:


> She apologized for going and said she had looked forward to going before we went out to dinner, but I passed out and she wasn't ready to go to bed. The way the pic thing is worded it could also be that he was taking pics of her from across the bar. Guess Ill just have to bring it up.


She did something stupid. We all do that in marriages. Reaffirm the boundaries and tell her it upset you. Ask her what really happened that she was worried about being videod. Yes, that's what is weird about the story. Still, it could be something simple. He tried to make a pass, he was rebuffed and she was pissed that it might pop up on the web. That's the scam people forget about. There is a whole group of idiots trying to catch people in compromising positions on purpose.

If she went to the doctor, for the V problem, ask her to see the medical records. Ask her what she used to get rid of the problem. She'll be mad, but the situation sounds bad. If she is reasonable and logical, she will understand.


scely714 said:


> Your right the answers were very detailed, but I was asking very detailed questions, I caught her off guard and she didn't baulk at all. If she was lying she had 2 months of thinking she got away with it, the shock of me bringing it up would have made anyone waiver.
> 
> Ok lets reverse it lets say something did happen, don't you think she would have been even more shook up about just cheating on an otherwise pretty great marriage. Don't you think the FB message the next morning would have been worded a lot different? Something like "look what happened last night should not have happened, I was drunk and you took advantage of me you ***hole. I told you I was married and even showed you pix of my family. Let me just say you better erase any pics you may of taken or you'll wish you never met me" and don't you think the guys response would have been "F you we were both drunk and you wanted it just as much as me"? Or better yet, why send the message at all the next morning or ever? I get the morning after regret thing, but to send a message and to word it like she did if something other than what she said happened is hard to believe. Her story fits and she didn't have any warning I was going to ask her.


Read some more threads. Your logic, while seemingly flawless, doesn't apply to the illogical ramifications of an affair. There are quite a few 6 figure people, who did everything you "hear" women supposedly want in a man and marriage, whose wives cheated with drug dealers, felons, addicts, junkies and people living in their mom's basement.

Sorry, I didn't answer your question. No, it wouldn't need to be worded different for something to have happened.

Oh and let me add, I don't believe she did anything, but break a boundary and learned a safe lesson.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Jonesey said:


> What bother´s me here is that she never told her husband this..
> I mean the guy Basically try´s to drag her out of the elevator "aggressively" and she managed to get her self loose. And then goes
> down for a smoke,because she is afraid that the guy would find out
> there room number.Hmm which is quite funny considering her husband is extensive martial arts training..
> ...


:iagree:

This!

Imagine you've been assaulted, man or woman, the first thing you do is either 
a) Go to hotel security to report it or 
b) Go to your room and immediately tell your spouse.

You're getting into a lift, where are you going? Didn't she press the button to her floor?
Even if the man dragged her out, she pressed the down button and went downstairs to have a smoke, then contacts him.

I don't think there was any cheating just to be clear. What's a bit disturbing in your case is just how detached she is from you. This was a major incident, and she was never going to come to you about it.

A guy supposedly hits on you all night, you know he's taking pictures or whatever, you're supposedly so disgusted by that behavior and you get on a lift with him?

Oh and the vaginal infection, did she go see a doctor..what was it?

Oh and the sex once a month thing..get it over with..no foreplay. The no foreplay part is the killer. She doesn't want to be with you physically, she enjoys getting hit on by other men..hmm is she a stay at home mom...maybe something else is happening at work?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

scely714 said:


> Your right the answers were very detailed, *but I was asking very detailed questions, I caught her off guard *No you did not catch her of guard.She had two month´s to come to term´s with it.....and she didn't baulk at all. If she was lying she had 2 months of thinking she got away with it, *the shock of me bringing it up would have made anyone waiver.*
> 
> No not really...Two month´s is a long time, to put thing´s
> behind them self..
> ...


This is a few reason´s i think her story does not ad up..
I sincerely hope i´m wrong here.. If you are satisfied that is the only thing that matter´s..


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This!
> 
> ...


c) You handle it and go on about your business.

I agree that it was weird, but drunk people make stupid decisions all of the time.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, her response to the guy does indicate a very pissed of woman confronting a creeper. Most woman cannot do it face to face.

Lot of creepers looking to take advantage of drunk woman in bars. Her story sound very likely and you should trust her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think her version sounds very true...
I would move on with your life.

Howver, increaseing the amount of sexual fulfillment in your marriage should remain a priority.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This!
> 
> ...


She didn't get into the elevator with him she got in with a couple other people and he got in right at the last second. The infection didn't amount to anything I guess, it was over in a couple days. She chalked it up to wearing pantyhose (never wears them) pretty much the whole time we were there. Makes sense because about a month later or so we had a string of about four day worth of formal occasion, where she again had to wear them on a regular basis, and sure enough she had another issue, same symptoms, down there.

As far as the foreplay is concerned I get you and we have talked about it a lot her answer to this issue is she will try but she feels why get us both all worked up if the end product is still a pain filled hell for her in the end. Better to just get it over with since we are both gonna end up feeling bad in the end, her from the pain me from causing the pain.

She is a stay/work at home mom and I work about a half a mile from our house and am home every day for lunch. We have a pretty good marriage despite this lapse of judgment on her part and the physical thing. I have no reason or suspicion to believe she is doing something else. We are going to go again to another Dr. to see if there is anything we can do that would make it less painful and if there are any alternatives to the meds she is on that wont wreak havoc on her sex drive.

She understands my concerns about the intimacy problems and how that is such a big part of a marriage and I feel she really does want it to be different, she has just learned to live without it. Easier for her to do than for me since shes the one in pain.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> She may have been worried about the OP getting p1ssed at her going to the bar alone and that the OP would have went looking for this clown.
> 
> Not making excuses, but to me this would be the most probable reason(s).


If it there aggressive pulling like it was posted here, I would have cared more about my safety than my husband getting mad. I would have also informed security. 

However, I would do this only if I was completely innocent and showed no indications of being interested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

mablenc said:


> If it there aggressive pulling like it was posted here, I would have cared more about my safety than my husband getting mad. I would have also informed security.
> 
> However, I would do this only if I was completely innocent and showed no indications of being interested.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Understand your concern and it is valid, I asked her about that. My wife is pretty independent she said she felt like she handled it. She said no a number of times, the guy pushed farther, she pushed back, he backed off. No harm no foul in her book, why get me, her husband all pissed off and probably arrested for assault. Because had she told me, I would have went looking for this goon. I think hindsight being what it is she realized the gravity of the situation, that's why she messaged him the next morning, again her way of handling it to save my feeling and my arrest record.


She admits she made a stupid mistake and a violation of our "ground rules" its never happened before and she said it wouldn't happen again. You can be assured that I will never let the situation get to where it did.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

mablenc said:


> However, I would do this only if I was completely innocent and showed no indications of being interested.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, she did break the "no bar by yourself" promise. So, I think the bad decisions escalated from that point. Then add in that he admits he is insecure and somewhat jealous, I can see how this went bad.

Yes, it is and was completely wrong and her fault.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Scely,



scely714 said:


> Understand your concern and it is valid, I asked her about that. My wife is pretty independent she said she felt like she handled it. She said no a number of times, the guy pushed farther, she pushed back, he backed off. No harm no foul in her book, why get me, her husband all pissed off and probably arrested for assault. Because had she told me, I would have went looking for this goon. I think hindsight being what it is she realized the gravity of the situation, that's why she messaged him the next morning, again her way of handling it to save my feeling and my arrest record.
> 
> She admits she made a stupid mistake and a violation of our "ground rules" its never happened before and she said it wouldn't happen again. You can be assured that I will never let the situation get to where it did.


She sounds like a woman who understands what YES/NO etc. mean. So many people seem to forget the power of small words have in our daily lives. I still believe she should have told you the next day or a week later after the event, so there were secrets between you. The fact you checked her FB account months later should have sent alarm bells ringing in her head, which it did, but only when you questioned it and then received a very detailed story by your wife. An event like that should have shaken her into her DANGER mode, MUST TELL HUSBAND WHAT HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY!

Another major influence was alcohol, it was central to you not going with her and she went without you. So the next time there is a lesson to be learned from consuming too much of the stuff.

Overall your wife understood her moral compass was aimed at your marriage and when tested to break it by the OM she took charge HER WAY! An event like this one takes a husband AND wife to resolve it, not one or the other. (Even though, I like her style!).


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

She is quite attractive, you are older, she lets you have your way now and then, she goes back to the hotel bar when you are drunk asleep in your room.

She has had contact with a male, and sex was in the picture.

Hmmm.....


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's just confusing to me the part of not telling you about a potentially dangerous incident. I don't get that part at all. What if this guy had started stalking your house or done something bunny-boiler crazy? 

As for sex - PIV sex is painful but what about oral for you both? I would think that there would be other ways of remaining intimate but not causing excruciating pain.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I googled on RA and sex life,

and it seems that low impact exercises are benefical to RA, if not obligatory.

So....the Kama Sutra comes into play. Buy the DVD's and start exercising.

It could be sex with you has been an energy costing experience. You can turn that around in an energy giving experience. And have a positive influence on RA too.

And she might like the idea of sex with another guy, given the high excitement of the idea alone. If that works like a drug for her, she will seek it.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Also, cut the alcohol. It causes so many issues - lets people put themselves in danger, lowers their inhibitions, increaces reaction times, impairs judgement - really, what's the upside?

Being so drunk you pass out is asking for long term health issues too (compounded with the ones already present.)

And as has been said above, there is much that can be done in a sex life that doesn't involve high energy, high impact work. Sensual and intimate times with other sorts of stimulation can be massively beneficial - and so much better sober ...


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## Seawolf (Oct 10, 2011)

Not to point out the obvious, but why don't you hop in the car, go back to the hotel bar, and ask Walter the bartender, with whom your wife spent the better part of the evening chatting, exactly what happened. Based on her looks, and your wife's description of the evening, he will no doubt remember everything.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Rags said:


> Also, cut the alcohol. It causes so many issues - lets people put themselves in danger, lowers their inhibitions, increaces reaction times, impairs judgement - really, what's the upside?
> 
> Being so drunk you pass out is asking for long term health issues too (compounded with the ones already present.)
> 
> And as has been said above, there is much that can be done in a sex life that doesn't involve high energy, high impact work. Sensual and intimate times with other sorts of stimulation can be massively beneficial - and so much better sober ...


Thanks for the concern I can assure you alcohol is not an issue with us, we can count the number of times we have been drunk in the last 5 years on one hand. It was our first vacation without kids in 6 yrs and we let our hair down and the drinking that night got out of hand. I had 2 long island ice teas and a vodka tonic in a 4 hour period, that's how much of a light weight I am she had 1 drink before dinner 1 at dinner and 3 at the bar. Other than a glass of wine every now and than alcohol is not a big part of our life at all.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

Seawolf said:


> Not to point out the obvious, but why don't you hop in the car, go back to the hotel bar, and ask Walter the bartender, with whom your wife spent the better part of the evening chatting, exactly what happened. Based on her looks, and your wife's description of the evening, he will no doubt remember everything.


If I really found a hole in her story that may be an option however its a five hour trip. So since the likelihood of him telling me anything new or even that he would (bartenders live by sort of a code when it comes to that) is slim, I probably going to chalk this up to what she said it was.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> It's just confusing to me the part of not telling you about a potentially dangerous incident. I don't get that part at all. What if this guy had started stalking your house or done something bunny-boiler crazy?
> 
> As for sex - PIV sex is painful but what about oral for you both? I would think that there would be other ways of remaining intimate but not causing excruciating pain.


The Oral sex is something we do, she is not that much of a fan of giving it (don't know to many woman who are) and plus the RA has attacked her joint in her jaw so she can only handle it for a couple minutes, her latest surgery was the fusing of her right wrist and left thumb so she cant bend either, so you can imagine that finishing with a HJ is not doable either. I do give her oral quite a bit and I love to do it probably because its the only thing that seems to give her pleasure however she gets frustrated because me doing that just increases her desire for PIV and then we are back square one. We are recommitting ourselves to making intimacy a priority because she does miss it, she has made appointments (with me included) with all involved doctors ie. GYN, Rheumatologist, Pain, Primary, to see if there is anything we can do differently and if there are any meds or further procedures that may help. Fingers crossed.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok, if it's the first time she screws up, in five years then I guess give her a break. She probably freaked out because she broke the rule about bars. The guys response wasn't " thanks for last, night see you soon" there has been no contact since.

All I would do is make sure she understands what was wrong with her desicion making from beginning to end.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

scely714 said:


> Understand your concern and it is valid, I asked her about that. My wife is pretty independent she said she felt like she handled it. She said no a number of times, the guy pushed farther, she pushed back, he backed off. No harm no foul in her book, why get me, her husband all pissed off and probably arrested for assault. Because had she told me, I would have went looking for this goon. I think hindsight being what it is she realized the gravity of the situation, that's why she messaged him the next morning, again her way of handling it to save my feeling and my arrest record.
> 
> 
> She admits she made a stupid mistake and a violation of our "ground rules" its never happened before and she said it wouldn't happen again. You can be assured that I will never let the situation get to where it did.


I get she handled it, I could have kicked the guy in the nads myself, I would have been shaken up by it and told my husband.
Maybe she just wanted to forget it happened. 

The lesson for you is to not be afraid to confront as soon as you see something and not let it linger in your mind. Thats a bad habit that can mess with your head.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Reading it all again, I don't buy her story. 

The only thing not fitting in the standard cheating script is her RA, surgeries etc. That would be a major dealbreaker for sex.

But in my experience people with illnesses try go to bed early, because they would have a bad day tomorrow. So their concern would be not being able to keep up with you at night, and feel guilty about that. 

When you stayed behind, sleeping/drunk, she would have welcomed the opportunity to go to bed.

So that, combined with the strange story, makes me think there is something else the matter.

One possible explanation could be that the RA is so troubling her normal sex life, that when she now and then gets the chance, she plays the flirting game at the bars, to feel young and attractive again, knowing its only an illusion for her, and not being able to perform in real life.

If you are being played on what happened, is there a possibility you are being played on the RA, I don't like the vaginal infection story either, it sounds a bit made up.


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## scely714 (May 20, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Reading it all again, I don't buy her story.
> 
> The only thing not fitting in the standard cheating script is her RA, surgeries etc. That would be a major dealbreaker for sex.
> 
> ...


No the RA is def not a mirage the amount of meds shes on is enough to kill a horse, and she goes to get an infusion of another med, which is a 4 hour process, every 8 weeks. Im the one who takes her so I know for a fact she's getting it. The multiple surgeries are def real.

As far as the wanting to go to bed early is the norm when we are at home, but on a three night weekend in a nice hotel without the kids, the last thing she wants to do is go to bed early.

So Im not concerned or looking for issues that aren't there. It was a weird night and a weird story, she dodged a bullet that night however I believe her.


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