# Can I do ANYTHING right?!



## MCook (Jan 11, 2012)

I've been lurking on this forum for a few days, searching for an answer to my issue. I've found one that was similar but I guess it just didn't have the same dynamics that my situation has or I failed to see it. Anyway,
A LITTLE BACKGROUND
First off, My W and I have been together about a year, she is 28 I am 30. When we met, she was shy and backwards, we had an obvious issue with communication from get go. She speaks predominately Spanish and of Latin decent, I speak English, and I am of Italian decent. I understood MOST of what she told me, and I have learned more Spanish here and there. At the time communication was inviting and I looked at it as in any relationship, something that we could work on together. This was exciting and we did most everything together without issue.
In July, the company I was working for closed its doors and we moved into an apartment that was originally set up for uncle "A", however uncle "B" showed up and has since moved into the apartment, and our relationship has taken a serious nose dive. 
Backing up about 3 months ago, my W and I have begun to argue quite a bit. This has increased in frequency and intensity and is now to the point that I really want OUT of the relationship, however I am willing to try to figure out the answers here.
Uncle "A" had bought a some houses and was appointing uncle "B" to be the CEO of his company, I was supposed to be working on the houses WITH uncle "B". Essentially flipping them. In this time uncle "A" came to visit and was here for 3 weeks with his family, this necessitated me to drive them all over and not allowing me to work on the house, which uncle "B" refused to assist with. I tried to bring it up to my W and she told me that she didn't want me working on the houses anymore with uncle "B". Well, when the truth finally came out, it was because working solo on the house I had taken 2 weeks to complete the house, this is outside the time that uncle "A" was here and I was playing chauffeur. So in total, it took me 5 weeks, which I was blamed for taking "too long" to finish the house.
Uncle "A" then proceeded to buy a restaurant. I had secured other employment, and I was told to quit my job and I would DOUBLE my salary being a manager at the restaurant. Well, no one would talk to me about the restaurant job, and on opening day, I confronted uncle "B" about the position I was promised, and I was told that it wasn't promised to me. All this time I was trying to talk to my W about the issues, she would IMMEDIATELY defend her 2 uncles when she was sitting with me when these accusations were made. So I dropped it, however, I disassociated myself with BOTH of the uncles because of their deceit, lack of respect, and apathy to the situation they had put me in.

In this time my W has become increasingly more childish with me. She has taken money directly from my wallet, stolen my keys to my car, attempted to attack me with a knife, begged me to KILL her, etc. She refuses to see a counselor, and says that I am the problem with her and her family, both before and during our relationship. Her actions have become that of a 16 yr old BRAT. 
For an example, we permitted uncle "B" to take the master bedroom with the attached bath. We have an agreement that 10:30ish is lights out. Two nights ago, she decided she wanted the lights on at 2 AM to do research for a job. Instead of going to the living room and turning the lights on in there she flipped the lights on in the bedroom, not even considering that I had to be up at 5:30 for a job that I had to be at by 7am. After waking me up by being loud and rude, I asked her what she was doing, she said she couldn't sleep and wanted to do research. I reminded her of our agreement, and that I had to be up in 3 hours and shut the lights off. So, she went into the BATHROOM turned her radio on full blast, locked the door, and sat on the floor and did her "research". When 5:30 rolled around she refused to let me in the bathroom to get ready to go, I was late, and I got "laid off" from my job. This is just one example of MANY that have come to pass. 
I am not a violent person by nature, but as for another example, when she has slapped me, or pulled the knife on me I chose to defend myself. I DID NOT HIT HER. However I blocked her attempts, and YES I took the knife away from her, forcibly. She broke my cell phone and I COULDN'T call the police, and I had no choice, this bothers me. Why should I feel that I need to defend myself from my W? It has gotten to the place that she has tried physical harm to me and Ive had NO choice. I served in the USN for 6 years and I had to fight there, I don't want to have to do it in my own home.
As to the title of the post, "Can I do ANYTHING right?!" It has gotten to the place of even when I have tried to help her with something, it is thrown in my face in an argument that I CAUSED the issued so I could feel important. As for an example, her computer got a virus that installed a password onto her system, I got rid of the password. Then it crashed after I deleted the virus, so I put another version of windows on her PC. I was told that I put the password on her PC, then intentionally wrecked the harddrive so I could fix it and feel important. WHAT?! 
I am constantly told that I dont contribute anything to the household and I receive caustic remarks and told to find a job. I have OVER 100 applications out, she has 12. I survive now by robbing peter to pay paul. She begs for money from her uncle "A", uncle "B" doesnt have any employment either, however they go out to eat with the money from my wallet, and I am forced to eat a Knorr side meal. What did I do wrong? I fix any problem THEY have, from cars to houses to financial, I work hard every day to bring in SOME income, and yet supposedly I'M the one at fault. 
I have begun to fight back with her, and all it seems to accomplish is to increase the longevity of our arguments. I've tried ignoring it, thinking it would go away. I've tried discussing it with her when she is civil, which is rare, and all to no avail. Right now, she has the snotty little rich girl/drama queen attitude, complete with the snide remarks and sarcastic attitude, and this has been going on for over 2 WEEKS! That is when she decides to talk to me, other than that its the silent treatment. 

I really dont want anyone here to think I am trolling for sympathy. Im trying to understand HOW I can make this work, or what I can change to make this easier. She says Im not doing enough, and I feel I can't do more. As it sits right now, uncle "A" has given ME until the end of Jan to find another place to stay, however SHE is free to stay. 
I'm at the end of my proverbial rope, and if I didn't shave my head, I'd probably be pulling my hair out. Please help!


----------



## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

She is crazy, seriously and yes, acts half her age; a spoiled brat is right. Not only that, she has scammed you, along with her uncles. They are using you. You are in a no win situation and need to flee from there. No man can or should live like this! She is going to do something crazy and you'll get the blame. She can't be trusted. This is not a good situation from any angle! I feel for you.


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Don't allow yourself to be used. If you love your wife and want to fix things, step back and find employment outside family. Limit time with them to one day a week. That might help. You guys have no boundaries and s to make a life for yourselves that doesn't create such drama.

Also, try to leave for a week to make think about her behavior. Violence = not safe.


----------



## MCook (Jan 11, 2012)

desert-rose said:


> Don't allow yourself to be used. If you love your wife and want to fix things, step back and find employment outside family. Limit time with them to one day a week. That might help. You guys have no boundaries and s to make a life for yourselves that doesn't create such drama.
> 
> Also, try to leave for a week to make think about her behavior. Violence = not safe.


I would leave, but she has used all of my/our money on odds and ends around the house. I have tried to make boundaries, however whenever I make them, they have to be to HER liking or I get an ear full. A compromise for her is her getting exactly what SHE wants and me bending over backwards. 

I can't limit contact with them because one of the uncles LIVES here, plus we are technically renting the apartment from the OTHER uncle, who acts as a dictator.

I dunno, am I asking for too much to just be able to be myself and live in peace?

I found out today she has started drinking again, and that DOESN'T make me happy. We had some small issues before and they were amplified when she drinks. I know she wants to be close to her family, but they are in another COUNTRY, I can't afford to fly her there or them here. And I know that is a HUGE part of the problem. Am I asking for too much?


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Save up some money when you can, and get out. This is not good, its dangerous and not productive at all.


----------



## MCook (Jan 11, 2012)

So this has taken a serious turn now. We had ANOTHER argument, and I left for the rest of the day, that night, and a better part of the following day. I had to come back because what little money I had was gone, so then (today) I walk past her computer and see whats on the screen, "how can I kill myself without suffering" is in the google search bar. Come to find out she went to see a shrink at some church around here and now shes suicidal?! great... I feel like I am damned if I do leave and damned if I dont leave. 
I locked her computer (password she will NOT figure out) and her looking it up is THE only evidence I have. and it is on a computer that I have the password for, so I doubt it would be taken seriously if I called the police. what can I do?


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Wow thats awful! I will tell you this, YOU are not responsible for her actions! I do think when people are talking about suicide it should not be taken lightly. It sounds like she has some serious issues. I'm not sure if you can talk her into going to a hospital/mental health facility or not. As adult she can commit herself in there, however I think you can to but not sure under what terms. 

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Friend/family/counselor? I really don't know how to tell you to handled this, hopefully others will have some more suggestions. Just remember though, YOU are not responsible for her choices. I know thats probably hard to believe right now but its very true, she is sick and needs help and its beyond anything you can do. Not saying you can't be there for her, BUT you can't fix her.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MCook, the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, suicide threats, lack of impulse control, irrational claims, verbal and physical abuse, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Significantly, all of us occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at low levels if we are emotionally healthy. They become a problem when they become so strong that they undermine a person's ability to sustain a marriage and other LTRs. Only a professional can determine whether your W's traits are so severe as to constitute the full-blown disorder. 

Yet, even when the traits are well below that diagnostic level, they can easily undermine a marriage and make your life miserable. Moreover, after you've been living with a woman for a year, it is easy to spot the red flags (i.e., strong traits) when they occur. I therefore suggest you read about these traits so you know what red flags to look for. I also suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two on your own -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.


MCook said:


> My W has become increasingly more childish with me.... Her actions have become that of a 16 yr old BRAT.


No, you are describing the immature, unstable behavior of a woman whose emotional development stopped at about age 3 or 4. Normal 16 year olds do not repeatedly threaten suicide and exhibit the lack of emotional control you describe. You therefore are describing the behavior of a young child. But not that of a normal child. Rather, it is the behavior of a four year old who is filled with enormous anger and has the intelligence, cunning, and body strength of a full grown adult. That is, you are describing a very dangerous situation. 

Even if she doesn't kill you, you are at great risk of her calling the police and having you thrown into jail on a fabricated charge. If your W has strong BPD traits, she will be very convincing when the police arrive because, in her distorted way of thinking, she will be absolutely convinced you are guilty of the fabrication. 

My exW, for example, had me thrown into jail for three days at the end of our 15 years together. That enabled her to secure a restraining order barring me from my own home for 18 months, the length of time required in this state to go through the divorce process.


> She has taken money directly from my wallet, stolen my keys to my car, attempted to attack me with a knife, begged me to KILL her, etc.


You've been lucky so far. But things will get worse. If your W is a BPDer, she likely is more dangerous than a sociopath or a narcissist because folks having those other two disorders -- although they are sometimes very mean -- are emotionally stable and thus somewhat predictable.


> She refuses to see a counselor, and says that I am the problem.


If your W has strong BPD traits, they are such a natural part of the way she's been thinking all her life (since the age of 3 or 4) that these traits are invisible to her. This is why BPD traits are said to be ego-syntonic. Moreover, BPDers are always convinced they are perpetual victims -- which is why a BPDer will blame you for every misfortune that befalls her.


> When she has slapped me, or pulled the knife on me I chose to defend myself. I DID NOT HIT HER. However I blocked her attempts, and YES I took the knife away from her, forcibly.


Like I said, you are going to get yourself arrested if she doesn't kill you first. Like you, I was simply defending myself when I was arrested. Specifically, my exW was throwing another temper tantrum, chasing me from room to room. I retreated to a bedroom and repeatedly closed the door every time she opened it. Then, when she started trying to destroy the door, I pushed her away from it, causing her to fall down when she stepped back and tripped.


> As to the title of the post, "Can I do ANYTHING right?!" It has gotten to the place of even when I have tried to help her with something, it is thrown in my face in an argument that I CAUSED the issue so I could feel important.


It is common for a BPDer to blame everything on you, including her vicious attacks. She is filled with such self loathing and shame that the last thing she wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. She therefore "projects" her bad thoughts and feelings onto you. 

Projection is a wonderful ego defense -- protecting her fragile ego from painful feelings of shame and guilt -- because it works at the subconscious level. This allows the conscious part of her mind to actually believe that the projection is true. Unlike an outright lie, projection is far better at protecting her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality because it leaves her feeling guilt free.

My exW, for example, spent $5,000 on several sewing machines and another $6,000 on fabric. But, in 15 years, she only managed to sew one vest, one dress, and a cat collar. When I asked her why she kept buying sewing machines that she wouldn't use, she explained that it was all my fault. She claimed that she always bought inferior machines because she was so afraid of how I might react if she bought a slightly more expensive machine. 

This type of outrageous, illogical rationalization is commonplace for BPDers. They do it because, to them, their feelings are so intense that they MUST be true. Unlike the rest of us, they never learned the skill of intellectually challenging an intense feeling instead of accepting it as reality.


> I have begun to fight back with her, and all it seems to accomplish is to increase the longevity of our arguments. I've tried ignoring it, thinking it would go away. I've tried discussing it with her when she is civil, which is rare, and all to no avail.


If your W has strong BPD traits, it will be impossible to ever sit down and have a calm, rational discussion with her on any important issue. Even if you catch her in a calm, "civil" moment, it will not matter. You do not have to do anything to CREATE the anger. It is already there, right under the skin. She has been carrying it inside since early childhood. Hence, all you have to do is say something that TRIGGERS the anger, which will be released in ten seconds.


> Right now, she has the snotty little rich girl/drama queen attitude, complete with the snide remarks and sarcastic attitude, and this has been going on for over 2 WEEKS! That is when she decides to talk to me, other than that its the silent treatment.


Typically, a BPDer's angry periods will consist of "acting out," i.e., verbally or physically abusing you. Sometimes, however, she will "act in" when she is angry, turning her anger inward. During those times, she will still punish you but will not do it with an open display of anger. Instead, she will use icy coldness, cold withdrawal -- the "silent treatment," as you say -- together with passive-aggressive snide comments.


> She went to see a shrink at some church around here and now shes suicidal?! great... I feel like I am damned if I do leave and damned if I don't leave.


The suicide rate is very high for low-functioning BPDers. Yet, if your W has strong BPD traits, she almost certainly is a high-functioning BPDer. If that were not the case, you would not have been dating her, much less marrying her. I mention this because, with HF BPDers, it is common for them to threaten suicide as a way of manipulating you. 

My exW, for example, is a HF BPDer who sometimes would walk to a high bridge, knowing that I was following protectively a hundred feet behind. When I stopped following her to the high bridge, she stopped going there. Instead, she started calling me from the subway platform, just as a train was rumbling into the station. She would tell me she was going to jump in front of the next train -- and then would hang up the phone. Of course, I ran down to the subway station on two occasions. When I stopped doing that, she stopped making such threats.


> Im trying to understand HOW I can make this work, or what I can change to make this easier.... Please help!


MCook, you CANNOT fix her. Only she can fix herself. Not even a team of psychologists can fix her if she is not strongly committed to getting well. Yes, there are excellent treatment programs available in most developed countries. But, sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to be willing to enter such programs, much less stay in them for the several years it takes to make a real difference. Hence, if your W has most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level, her behavior likely will get worse than what you've already seen in your first year of marriage. 

I therefore encourage you to consult with a clinical psychologist and read more about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. One reading option is _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling BPD book that is targeted to the spouses. Another option -- and an easy place to start reading -- is my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread about his W at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to point you to excellent online resources about BPDers. Take care, MCook.


----------

