# Who comes first wife or brother?



## bradkrazy21

My husband and I went out on a dat last night with his brother and his wife. At dinner his brother asked if "If me and your wife are hanging from a cliff and you can only save one, who would it be?" at first my husband refused to answer but his brother kept pressing him. So DH looks at me and he says "well you know who im gonna say, right" and I smile and nod thinking he means me! but then he says his brother! and i was like are you serious?! and he shrugged and said he's my brother, family always come first. And i said but im your wife and the mother of your child i should come first. Im family too!" and he said so if the situation were reversed youd save me and not your sister. I said "youre my HUSBAND, of course id save you!" and he didn't believe it. So my question is do I have a right to be upset? In my mind our family, being me, my husband, and our son is the most important thing in the world. Am I wrong?


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## Acorn

Well your husband gets points for being honest with you but I could see why you would be disappointed. I know I would be. It would seem your priorities are not the same as your husbands'.

On a lighter note, I would stay away from cliffs when your husband and his brother are around.


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## MrsOldNews

Wow I can't believe he said his brother. I couldn't help but be majorly pissed if I were you. What f***** up priorities! And I don't swear often!


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## Mavash.

I think your husband was dumb to answer such a rediculous no win type question.

It's like when my kids ask me which one do I like best.

What good can ever come from answering these stupid questions???


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## YinPrincess

So what was BIL trying to prove in even asking this?? Is this a sort of one-upmanship or something?

I'd be hurt, too. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH

bradkrazy21 said:


> My husband and I went out on a dat last night with his brother and his wife. At dinner his brother asked if "If me and your wife are hanging from a cliff and you can only save one, who would it be?" at first my husband refused to answer but his brother kept pressing him. So DH looks at me and he says "well you know who im gonna say, right" and I smile and nod thinking he means me! but then he says his brother! and i was like are you serious?! and he shrugged and said he's my brother, family always come first. And i said but im your wife and the mother of your child i should come first. Im family too!" and he said so if the situation were reversed youd save me and not your sister. I said "youre my HUSBAND, of course id save you!" and he didn't believe it. So my question is do I have a right to be upset? In my mind our family, being me, my husband, and our son is the most important thing in the world. Am I wrong?


Your husband massively betrayed you. But at least you know where in the queue you stand in his affections. You might want to be with a man that puts you way out in front instead of standing behind others.

His brother is an *******, a real jerk. He may well be a passive aggressive and his question deliberately designed to wound you.

Your husband is a total jerk for answering the question in the way he did. Basically because as he will not guarantee his loyalty to you, you may well not guarantee your loyalty to him.

Your husband has more or less given you carte blanche, licence, to betray him and to put him last in your queue. The man’s a very big fool.


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## River1977

I think it's a matter of upbringing. It's what he was told when he was young and what parents instill in their kids in order to create family cohesiveness. At the time, that is the context of family and for that purpose, there's no reason for them to expand the meaning. He still only knows that to be the meaning of family and hasn't been able to reconcile that as a married adult with wife and child(ren) of his own, he should be expanding the meaning to apply to his own family - the family that he created.

I don't think you should be upset because I don't believe he means to slight you. He's just never been exposed to the value he is supposed to hold for his wife. Your upbringing might be different in that perhaps you were exposed to the Biblical definitions of marriage and what wife and husband should mean to each other. If not the Biblical definitions, then you still have reason to believe what you do, as it isn't likely your values and ways of thinking are of your own creation. Like your husband was told what he believes, someone told you or maybe you read it and adopted those same beliefs.

If the two of you are religious and attend church, synagogue, or whatever, I think you should ask your religious leader for a counseling session so your husband learns, as a married adult, the meaning of family and the value of his wife. You can't expect your husband has the same values as you just because you met and married him. You likely have a lot in common but not everything.

If after he is taught differently he still refuses to change his mind, then that would be reason to get upset.


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## bkaydezz

i would try to save both!

i think the question is worded wrong in the first place. not sure how i would have asked it. its almost like he was trying to cause an arguement between you. why would you ask that anyways?
the chances of it happening may be slim to start with (never know) but still..he was out of line!

and your wife comes first and foremost.


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## Kathrynthegreat

Who asks such stupid questions about asinine situations that will never come to pass in the first place?


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## VermisciousKnid

This brings to mind those stereotypical hillbilly clans where blood is the most important thing. Doesn't matter if your kin is the most evil thing going - you still protect them. Like in the "Justified." Creepy.


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## Stonewall

When I got married my wife became the primary family and remains so. Sorry bro. Sucks to be you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bradkrazy21

Thanks ladies for your thoughts!

You're all right my Brother in law is an a**, he's always trying to stir up trouble with me and my husband because he resents the fact that my husband has his own life now. 

I'm just hurtm because I have sacrificed alot for my husband. HE comes first in all things. So to hear that those feelings aren't reciprocated. Im just at a loss for what to do.

Thanks for listening!

Acorn- Thanks for the humor in a sucky situation


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## turnera

AFEH said:


> Your husband massively betrayed you. But at least you know where in the queue you stand in his affections. You might want to be with a man that puts you way out in front instead of standing behind others.
> 
> His brother is an *******, a real jerk. He may well be a passive aggressive and his question deliberately designed to wound you.
> 
> Your husband is a total jerk for answering the question in the way he did. Basically because as he will not guarantee his loyalty to you, you may well not guarantee your loyalty to him.
> 
> Your husband has more or less given you carte blanche, licence, to betray him and to put him last in your queue. The man’s a very big fool.


Yep.


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## turnera

bradkrazy21 said:


> my Brother in law is an a**, he's always trying to stir up trouble with me and my husband because he resents the fact that my husband has his own life now.


I'm guessing your husband has spent his whole life trying to kiss up to his brother to gain his approval, probably held at arm's length, so the desire to please his brother is high. Not healthy.


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## Mistys dad

Everybody know you would save your wife.





She has the car keys and it's a long drive down the mountain.


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## AFEH

bradkrazy21 said:


> Thanks ladies for your thoughts!
> 
> You're all right my Brother in law is an a**, he's always trying to stir up trouble with me and my husband because he resents the fact that my husband has his own life now.
> 
> I'm just hurtm because I have sacrificed alot for my husband. HE comes first in all things. So to hear that those feelings aren't reciprocated. Im just at a loss for what to do.
> 
> Thanks for listening!
> 
> Acorn- Thanks for the humor in a sucky situation


Boundaries are the thing. Just don’t put yourself in situations where there’s a high possibly of being hurt. If that means no more socialising with your brother-in-law then so be it. If your H asks you why you don’t go or are out when they call, just be right up front with him and tell him.

If your H wants to change his loyalty and behaviour to keep you onside he will. If he doesn’t he wont. You lose the company of your brother-in-law, no bid deal, right? And you get the message through to your H that you wont be treated as a second class citizen.


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## donewithit

wow. your brother in law is a jackass. and your husband is just plain stupid. I would be addressing this with your husband and telling him how hurt you are and that even though it was a stupid "what if" that will never happen, you no longer feel he is your safety net... the one who will love you and protect you at all costs. 

I asked my husband what he would do in this hypothetical situation (he only has sisters) he said he wouldnt hestitate to lose a sister instead of me. but was quick to add. if it were one of our kids he would save them not me. not because he loves them more, but because he knows that it is exactly what i would want. and he is RIGHT.


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## AFEH

donewithit said:


> wow. your brother in law is a jackass. and your husband is just plain stupid. I would be addressing this with your husband and telling him how hurt you are and that even though it was a stupid "what if" that will never happen, you no longer feel he is your safety net... the one who will love you and protect you at all costs.
> 
> I asked my husband what he would do in this hypothetical situation (he only has sisters) he said he wouldnt hestitate to lose a sister instead of me. but was quick to add. if it were one of our kids he would save them not me. not because he loves them more, but because he knows that it is exactly what i would want. and he is RIGHT.


At times I think on that. I’m very convinced a mother will give her life even if there’s just a very slim chance that it would result in saving her child’s life. In fact. I don’t even think she’d consider the odds, she’d just do it.

These things in women are primal instincts and as a man I love them all the more for it.


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## chillymorn

I'm guessing no bj for him last night!!!!


always mom before brother unless shes a bit*h.and you were going to divorce her anyway.


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## the guy

I think once you take those vows and make that commitment to start you own family then thats your priority. Once you leave your mom and dad and sibling aren't you making a statement infront of them that you are choosing a spouse.


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## southbound

This is a prime example of what i call "drama." Your brother-in-law must have thought things were going too smoothly and thought he should come up with something to stir feelings. He was a jerk for pushing it, and your husband apparently gave an honest answer, but it was the wrong answer.


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## Entropy3000

chillymorn said:


> I'm guessing no bj for him last night!!!!
> 
> 
> always mom before brother unless shes a bit*h.and you were going to divorce her anyway.


Maybe he got one from his brother ....


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## Lon

note: if someone poses a hypthetical question that pits them versus my wife, no matter what I may really feel, I'm not saving him, just cause he's a dumba55


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## TMCK

wife


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## Maricha75

"Oh, honey, I understand. Of course you would save your brother.... because you know *I* can take care of myself!"

What a jackass. My husband would save me. But he would save our kids first... And, between his mom and me? Me again. But I would do the same for him.


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## that_girl

I'd be upset by that.

1. Married people CHOOSE each other. You don't chose family.
2. I'd think, Am I that replaceable? Wow. Thanks.
3. I'd be HUMILIATED in front of those people who now know my husband doesn't put me above his "family". How degrading for me, his wife. I'm sorry if you felt embarrassed. I would have. That completely took the "us against the world" attitude out of your marriage.
4. I'd thank my husband for shutting down my vagina. I hope his brother can give good head. /sarcasm.

Wow.


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## that_girl

And no offense, but your husband is a FOOL.

He could have easily avoided a serious answer with, "Psh! I'd save my wife, idiot! Unless you want to take her place in bed..." har har hahaha har har (man laugh). And then let it be. If his brother pushed it (because lots of douches do), your husband could have said, "What is your obsession? Stop being a little betch or I won't save you at all!"

ugh. Your husband made me angry and I don't even know him! lol. Fool fool fool.


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## larry.gray

Entropy3000 said:


> Maybe he got one from his brother ....


Oh snap, I'm not the only one that had the same thought!


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## Bellavista

Well I asked my hubby who he would save, his mother or me? 
he is a mummy's boy.
He said, been nice knowing you babe...
Just to give him a nice mind picture for the rest of the evening I said it would be great to see his mother satisfying his needs...
Just as well I know I am married to the world's biggest joker.

OP, perhaps you need to explain to your husband (in a rational way) that what he said hurt you. He may say he was only joking.


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## 23YearWife

Yes, you have the right to be upset. Heck, I'm upset and I don't even know you. Sounds like brother is a trouble-maker and husband hasn't grown up. If it were me, hubby would be sleeping on the couch a long, long time for that. In my book, if he wouldn't save you, he sure loses the right to create more children he'd choose to render motherless.


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## Cosmos

I was thinking that your BIL must be very young - until I saw that he was there with his wife...


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## Goldmember357

wife if its a true love


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## piggyoink

I'd invent an out of the box solution and save both


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## Dad&Hubby

WOW!!

IF my brother asked me this, my response would've been. Would the person I save be SAFER if the other fell sooner?

If yes then "Sorry bro, I'd kick you off"

Quickly followed by 

"Remember the saying, there are no stupid questions...it's true, but there are plenty of inquisitive idiots."


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## tom67

Acorn said:


> Well your husband gets points for being honest with you but I could see why you would be disappointed. I know I would be. It would seem your priorities are not the same as your husbands'.
> 
> On a lighter note, I would stay away from cliffs when your husband and his brother are around.


:iagree::rofl:


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## dormant

Dad&Hubby said:


> WOW!!
> 
> IF my brother asked me this, my response would've been. Would the person I save be SAFER if the other fell sooner?
> 
> If yes then "Sorry bro, I'd kick you off"
> 
> Quickly followed by
> 
> "Remember the saying, there are no stupid questions...it's true, but there are plenty of inquisitive idiots."


And even more stupid answers!


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## costa200

Stupid questions that should not be made and never answered...


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## fianceofangler

bromance


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## Coffee Amore

Old thread...


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## tonyarz

You put your wife first. I don't have a brother. I have a sister and she still snitches on me to this day!


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## Chris Taylor

Of course he should save his brother. Chances are his brother's life insurance names his wife as the beneficiary. But OP's life insurance policy names hubby. Sounds like a win to me.

OK, just kidding


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## Desperate_Housewife

Stupid is as stupid does...


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## PeaceTrain

This thread is really interesting. I am here a lot, but don't post much. But I would do one this time.

Different people have different meanings of marriage. I think marriage is a commitment where you take somebody who is not related to you at all and you still make him or her most important person. That’s the commitment you make when you get married. Otherwise, it would be all easy, wouldn't it?


Here is what I would do. I love my brother and parents a lot, but if it comes to that situation like you describe, I would go for saving my beloved wife and would be very sad for not going for my brother. It’s hurting stating the above, but that’s the right thing to do. That’s the commitment I made by getting married. I need to honor that commitment.

Having said that, I must say you shouldn’t take your husband statement seriously. He was put on an awkward situation by his stupid brother and he messed up with the answer. That statement doesn’t really define him. His actions thru other aspects of your marriage that created an overall impression on you should answer the question. But you are right to get hurt. You should be mad as hell and he should find a way to make this up to you.

-PeaceTrain


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## Needpeace

This would be easy for me, I wouldn't hestitate to drop the bro coz he is just as much an A$$ as OP's BIL, lol

I know it's an old post but just wanted to put it out there!


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## lalsr1988

Blood is Blood. A wife may screw around on you, leave you, then force you to pay alimony to support her and the other man, but a Brother is a Brother


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## Gaia

In reply to that... blood may be blood but a brother or sister can easily fvck you over, mooch off you, start drama, steal your shyt, and stab you in the back. Loyalty can be found with a spouse moreso then with a relative in some cases.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ankh

No hesitation or question on my part. I would save my wife over my brother, or mother, father, or sister or my own children. She is my primary loyalty once I marry her, and all others take a back seat.


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## lalsr1988

Wow your own children Ankh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia

Lol if my man had to choose between me and one or more of our children.... I would throw myself off that cliff. The child is far more important imo and I would expect him to agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lalsr1988

I would do the same Gaia
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needpeace

Yeah, I'd let go to save my kids, especially our youngest, put in far too much effort to save her life already, she deserves to live, no way would she be going off that cliff!


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## williamjones

wife comes first.


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## Toshiba2020

Well he was going to offend someone, its a shame he answered the way he didnt but i wouldnt let it bother you. In the end its a stupid question and his brother is a jerk for making such a big deal out of it.


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## thesecretaccount

I'm siding with Ankh =)

It I was to choose between my husband and my children I will choose my husband. Children grow up to leave and find their own mates.

If I'm forced to save our child I'll probably jump after my husband after doing that. I didn't marry my husband to have children. I married him for him and he will always be no.1.

Sorry just being honest.


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## BallsDeepSix

Marital partners can be replaced. They are "a dime a dozen" as it where. Family members, on the other hand, are divine blessings whom are by nature and principle, irreplaceable. What are your questions? Your confusion regarding this matter is quite vexing.


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