# I want kids, and my husband does not. Need Advice!!



## psalibad (Oct 13, 2009)

I am going to be married 3 years on this Oct 14th w/my husband. We have been together for a total of 8 years, and i had a 1 year old child already when we got together. It took years to convince him to get married which we finally accomplished in 2006. Now it looks like its taking years to get a child out of him. I do not know if i have it in me to work for this anymore years of my life, i am feeling so drained at this moment.. I have asked him repeatedly over the years for us to have a baby of our own. He says he wants children but just not now. I was 23 when we meet and now i am 31 years old. It seems like everyone around us is having baby after baby. It is becoming so hard for me to attend baby showers and be happy for everyone around me. When i know how much i hurt inside for a baby of my own. The urge is becoming so strong, i am starting to have alot of anger for my husband for not letting me have this. I feel like such an idiot sometimes waiting for my husband to one day wake up and say today is the day, lets start working on having that baby now. Why does it have to be such a task for us and everyone else just does it. I tell him there will never be a perfect time, and we probably will never be able to truly afford a baby. People just make it work. He will not even give me a time frame, he just puts me off year after year of excuses as to why we can't have a baby yet. Well i just got so feed up w/him and told him that if we did not start working on this baby soon. That by the end of the year, i will be walking out the door. This to me will just mean we are not on the same page, and maybe we need to go in different directions. This is how much this matters to me. I feel like he is just thinking about what makes him happy, not me.. I am feeling so ripped off in this marriage. Do you all think that i am wrong for doing this. He told me he wanted kids when we got married, it almost feels like he lied to me..I have done nothing but give, give and give in this marriage, and can't seem to get anything in return. It feels like my marriage is based on lies, and i am not getting any younger to be wasting my time. Please help, i am so confused!!!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He doesn't want a child. You already have one. Be happy with what you have.

And if you can't do that, having a child against his wishes would be wrong so you have no choice but to leave him. But then you should probably leave him anyway because you are already telling him that someone you haven't even met yet (a baby) is more important than your love for him. You'll only replace him with the baby once it is born, anyway. 

Also, since you had to convince him to marry you, don't you think that he's also done some compromising? Sounds like you want to force him into things he doesn't really want -- he didn't want to marry yet you convinced him and he did. He doesn't want children with you. Isn't that a giant message?


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## psalibad (Oct 13, 2009)

You do got alot of good points. I will definately take them into consideration. I appreciate your honesty..


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I am sorry that you are experiencing this frustration. You are 31 years old and your biological clock is ticking. While your husband may seem content on waiting, your clock continues to tick. Maybe your husband is not just waiting. Maybe he is affraid of having his own children. Maybe he feels like he would be unable to provide the necessities of life for this child (this is a really big thing for men). The desire for a woman to have a baby is unlike anything else. Are you or your husband religious at all? I hope you don't mind me being a little religious in this reply. Your strong desire to have a baby could possibly be coming from God. I am sure that he has a little baby girl or boy that he is waiting to send you. I also imagine that if you are having these desires that God wants you to be a mother again. I would encourage you to write your feelings about these god given desires. If you feel comfortable share these things with your husband. Ask him to go to counseling with you as a means of preparing to have a child together. If he refuses to go to counseling, go by yourself.
Last little note - DO NOT HAVE A CHILD TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Having children is a lot of work and is quite demanding. Children are entitled to be born to a mother and father who love and care for each other. I wish you the best of luck.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Dobo is right on the mark here.. You are in a mindset that will only make your husband feel worse. You are obsessed with another child and if he gave in you would replace your affection for him to the baby and he would feel worse. Don't have a kid where both parents are ready.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A few questions. Before you married did he really tell you he was ok with having children? Was he very clear cut about it? 

If someone asked him how good you are with money, what would he say? Would he say you are a saver, or would he say you are a spender? 

How does he treat you overall? Is he kind and loving? Is he generous? Do you work outside the home? 

Is money tight? 






psalibad said:


> You do got alot of good points. I will definately take them into consideration. I appreciate your honesty..


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## psalibad (Oct 13, 2009)

I am actually really good w/money. I am currently unemployed at this time. I was layed off of work in march from a job of 8 years. I am however working part time w/his aunt at her shop till i find another job just to contibute to our income. I never like to feel like i am not giving in enough in this relationship. I literally do everything here for everyone. I work, clean house, pay the bills w/both our money, take care of my son and his needs at all times. I give my husband what he needs when he needs it(sexually) as i feel this is my wifely duty. My world is literally nothing but pleasing my my husband and child. They always come first to me before myself. I even do yard work to help him out when needed, i have no problem getting my hands dirty.There is nothing i will not do for them. I guess you can say i am like a super woman around here. Honestly i feel like i baby my husband probably to much, even his own aunt tells me that. He practically does not lift a finger much when he gets home. He sits on his video game, while i serve him his dinner. Don't get me wrong he is a loving man, he treats me good. However he was an only child, whom was given everything, and never had to share anything w/any siblings. So sometimes i feel this is where our problem starts. He told me right before we got married he did want children. Yet i did not know that i needed to ask him when, and narrow it down to a time frame at that particular time. Had i known that like i have learned now, i don't think i would of married him. However i am really old school, and never wanted to get divorced, so that is why i have toughed it out all these years hoping it would happen soon. Yet here i am starting to look at my life, and ask myself, when will i get what i want. When will i get what would make me happy to be a mother again. Is it truly selfish of me. Put yourself in my position. It has always been about him. I just don't feel its fair, and it makes me sad to think if i stay in this marriage, i would possibly have to sacrifice something that i really want and take that choice to the grave w/me.Just for the sake of my marriage. What is he sacrificing? This urge is so strong. How would i just make it go away?


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## psalibad (Oct 13, 2009)

Riverside MFT said:


> I am sorry that you are experiencing this frustration. You are 31 years old and your biological clock is ticking. While your husband may seem content on waiting, your clock continues to tick. Maybe your husband is not just waiting. Maybe he is affraid of having his own children.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

The best advice I heard on this topic (when I was deciding whether or not to have a baby) was don't give your baby a job...

It is NOT the baby's job to save your marriage
It is NOT the baby's job to eclipse your career anxiety
It is NOT the baby's job to fulfill all your dreams of happiness..

It is only a baby's job to be loved by adults who truly wanted to be parents. If you feel you need another child in your life, you may have to divorce your current husband... or you can find other children to mentor/love who might fill that need. It's a big decision either way. Good Luck.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

psalibad, I know exactly how you feel. I am 28, no kids, been married for 3 years, been together for 6. My husband always talked about having kids one day and I always told him I want to have my first child before I turn 30. I was always quite career-focused and started working young (19) so I thought it would be reasonable to start having a family in my late 20s. But no, it seems like kids are not anywhere close on our priorities list. He is not ready at all (he'll turn 30 in a few months). In the last year our relationship has deteriorated on so many levels that I am now considering divorce. I want kids but I am not sure anymore I want them with him. I doubt kids could ever improve our relationship, I actually think at this point it would be a bad idea to have them. I even doubt he really loves me lately - how can any man (who earns enough to support his family) not want to have kids with a woman he loves? It's beyond me. Psalibad, if you want to chat, I am here for you - send me a message.


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

Kids can completely change a relationship and can make the weak links in your marriage weaker. They do NOT make a problematic marriage stronger. If there is not a core foundation of love, as the kids add stress, the stress will weaken the marriage, sometimes to the breaking point. 

And if you end up with a special-needs kid, the stress is compounded many times over.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Ingrid, you are right on the point. But it's hard to actually accept the fact that you've lost so many years on a relationship that will not work out... but it's definitely better to lose 10 years than 20 years. New beginnings are fun. There are single men out there that would love to have kids... men who are more family-oriented... There is still hope. Just maybe not with this man.


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