# She skipped out on me in 2006, then again...



## jb1414 (May 3, 2010)

We met in 1990 at work, we married in 1995. She has been my life since day one. We have 5 children, a dog, 2 cats and a lovely home. We moved out of state in 2005 to a better place to raise our kids. At that time she had been involved with a local band in our previous state, but continued to follow their gigs from time to time and made the 3-4 hour drive just to see them. One of them became friends with my wife via myspace, and in a matter of 2 months of talking and sharing their emotional standings...they made plans to get together alone at his house. 
How did I get that info? Well one would think that in a marriage two should have no secrets to hide...well she did. She left her email open one day and i ran into a couple of her messages. (very new to myspace, even said she was single)

The one I read was from him pretty much telling her about his fallen marriage and an affair with another woman even before the divorce! A long letter reaching out to another soul that would understand...and us going thru our own ups and downs did not help as she fell for his trap. She gave him info that I did not even know about, she lied about current happenings like what was for dinner; making it sound like a gourmet meal when in fact all we had was mac and cheese! (He was upper-class, wine loving kinda guy soooo.)

I confronted my wife with the copies of the emails. She told me to get out of the car, and yelled about her privacy being broken. I apologized for that, not a nice thing to do but necessary nonetheless. I had to prove that I knew. I knew when she was going to his house, and the day she came back she told me how she slept on the couch with her friend, and he slept in his room...no kids that day for him. 
She was nervous as she told me and I already knew what happened. In the notes she wrote to him "you wont be able to handle another experience like that one" and "when will you be alone again?" 
When I showed her those exact words on paper? she denied them and said that he was having a breakdown and that he had cried most of the night into a pillow on her lap...yup, she was being a friend. So i showed her what he said "Sorry for not being, you know...ready for duty, next time I will make it up to you"...did not sound like he was a mess at all! Especially when he said that the bed smelled like her in the morning!!

So moving on, she denied that entire situation for 2 years!!!! One day we got into it and I mentioned it again and guess what? she just came out and said it..."I didn't love him"...."he didn't touch me from the chest up". Yeah, my world sank that day. And of course she expected me to let it all go after like 3-4 days that I went to my parents house 4hrs away to recoup. @ years she had to forget and distance herself from that mess, push it further and further under that giant rug of hers, I got 4 days and gave in and forgave her...

So the following year was great we had some fights but overcame them. And she actually kept following this band. And again she starts talking to the other guy in the band, hes a little sick and wants to be mommied, and who best to do that then the mother of 5!!! So this begins a new chapter. She opens a new email account without telling me...and again leaves it open on the PC. So this I printed out and called her on it the next day. She started that email with "Nobody has this email but you....so write me here only....I miss you....i love you maaadly.....and he wrote much of the same which I found very inappropriate to be writing to another mans wife.
Again she goes nuts about the privacy thing. 
Now am I wrong here? If she had kept her privacy really private, then I would have been the loser in the dark. With one notch under her belt...of course I'm gonna be curious! And she left that can of worms just dripping everywhere. I lost my trust in her...

I think most of you ladies & gentlemen that are taking the time to read my story might wonder why i didn't like leave her or stop her from doing the same over and over. I love my wife and we have this open relationship about having fun but with trust in mind and all that. But because we had an emotional downfall she went out and pretended to be a prostitute as she also claimed as an excuse because she did not know how else to describe her actions that night with him...he just had his way with her and she agreed!! To this day I have not confronted that man. 

When she mentioned the love word to another man, I asked her about that and her answer was that it was not like the love she felt for me...One would think that only one love exist between two people? But no, this was that hippy love kinda deal. I know we came from that time, but don't use it as an excuse to redeem yourself as being in love. Knowing someone for a few months??? She felt sorry for him and his problems, got stuck in mommy mode and lost her way again. 

Believe me or not....lol....but it has happened once again. She goes to college now and has a year left. Last year she hung out with a guy who ends up being a sociopath by definition, and a musician!..Yeah! And stuck on him she was. She wrote a letter to her best friend ( a guy ) and had to explain her relationship with this guy and how they had become more than friends (he had been concerned) they were almost like boyfriend and girlfriend...pretend of course as she put it. 
He made her cry and actually gave her a bruised arm from pushing her too hard and she fell to the ground..(I know guys...why have I not faced any of these idiots) anyone that hurts my wife must deal with me...and me from the old days would do bad things. I have a family now and I still love my wife. How is it that SHE can go on without realizing what she is doing to me? I do not know. She almost doesn't even know it I guess. I'm pretty tired of it, tired of worrying where she is, who shes with, what GUY is next on her caring list. 
Ive wanted to leave, but im the only one working and she goes to school full time. She is great at what she does, she is a great mother and person. But to me she is another person in there sharing that body. 
I am not the best person here, I have done the worst to her. Things she will never forgive me for. But doing what she has done over and over? I don't see why I deserve this, I deserve something but not this... 
Am I being an idiot here and not seeing what she needs? Is college changing her, she tries to fit in, she looks the age and plays the part, but does she really need to put me down to her friends and talk like them and be like them?
I don't know where to go from here...one more year, and if any guy comes along and she decides that she wants to help him and get close again....I think that will actually just do it for me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, 
Thank you for reading this.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

jb1414 said:


> I think most of you ladies & gentlemen that are taking the time to read my story might wonder why i didn't like leave her or stop her from doing the same over and over. I love my wife and we have this open relationship about having fun but with trust in mind and all that. But because we had an emotional downfall she went out and pretended to be a prostitute as she also claimed as an excuse because she did not know how else to describe her actions that night with him...he just had his way with her and she agreed!! To this day I have not confronted that man.


I didn't understand much of that paragraph but think I do get the message that you have an open marriage, right? So I guess that explains why you put up with her shenanigans. You also said you have done things to her, which I assume is in keeping with the open relationship. That's just an assumption so I could be wrong. I don't really know what advice you're looking. In what context exactly? I can say that the two of you seem out of control, and need to reel yourselves back in for the sake of your marriage and each others' feelings. Perhaps marriage counseling can help you with that. I will also say you need to stop thinking about doing anything to these men she fools around with. You are not married to them and they don't owe you any particular loyalty.


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## jb1414 (May 3, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> I didn't understand much of that paragraph but think I do get the message that you have an open marriage, right? So I guess that explains why you put up with her shenanigans. You also said you have done things to her, which I assume is in keeping with the open relationship. That's just an assumption so I could be wrong. I don't really know what advice you're looking. In what context exactly? I can say that the two of you seem out of control, and need to reel yourselves back in for the sake of your marriage and each others' feelings. Perhaps marriage counseling can help you with that. I will also say you need to stop thinking about doing anything to these men she fools around with. You are not married to them and they don't owe you any particular loyalty.


I will explain myself a bit more in detail...
I feel I should have left. Once she did what she did? I should have just let it all go, why? So I wouldn't have to deal with all of this now. But of course I was not psychic...
If my wife slept with another man, claimed it was a mistake 2 years later (and that's because I brought it up) otherwise a secret to the grave. If she felt that doing this, or any kind of situation that would put me in the position of a worried, jealous, angry husband? Then it should have ended then. I feel she still hides her conversations, her text messages, her memory! All due to the fact that she knows I will be furious? Then why go out and do such things? Its almost as if she WANTS to do these things, and since she knows I don't agree, and never will...that she tries them out and sees how it goes and hides as much as she can, but ends up getting caught!.. and not like in the act; its more like a text, a message, an argument over where shes going this time. I know we need counseling or some kind of talk to get it all out there. We love each other very much and in anybodies eyes we are a great couple with cute kids. You'd never know about her and how she does these things to me. And I am no angel either as she may very well put it. We have an open relationship, but I dont like how its being defined by her. She feels like she is free to do whatever she wants...which is true, but without all of the guys and crap that should not be happening when I'm not there. Sorry if I lost anyone again. This is just part of the entire story...Thank you for your input.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

_She feels like she is free to do whatever she wants...which is true, but without all of the guys and crap that should not be happening when I'm not there._

I'm really sorry, jb1414, I'm not someone who can help. On one hand, I understand you have an open relationship. That tells me you don't exactly have anything to be angry about.

On the other hand, I think the two of you need to set some ground rules. Otherwise, you both will keep doing whatever you want however you and hurting each other.

If I had a third hand, I would have to wonder why you feel you should be there when she is with other guys. But maybe that would be part of the ground rules, and maybe you really just need to specifically define what "open relationship" means so you both are on the same page. I know I'm confused. Perhaps she is too.


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