# Need advice... Is it over?



## Calimarshall (May 8, 2014)

Well... Im back...i need your opinion and advice.
Ill make it short... And just the main thing of all this issue...
So a couple of months ago( 4 ) my girlfriend was starting what it looked like an EA, i saw some texts and i talked with her about it. 
She said that she was not going to talk to this guy again and she didnt...after that we had a rough couple of days then it was fine, then thing were very good, ( having a great time together, great sex, kisses, hugs, telling me how much she loved me everything was good.
All of this happened because one of her friends invited her to a party where she met this guy and start texting days later.
The guy was hitting on her and he knew about our relationship. 
Today i was feeling something and saw a text that she was saying to her friend that she wished she could say hi to this guy.
And days later she told this same friend to say hi to him....
So... I guess she's not going to let this go im i right? 
Should i confront her? Tell her about the texts? 
Is she seeking for attention? I dont know what to do....
Im i doing something wrong? Should i let her talk to this guy?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Uhm, no, she can't talk to this guy. 

You can't force her not to, but you can tell her it would signal the end of the relationship for you. Have a heart to heart with her about boundaries. Try to figure out what's missing in the relationship for her that she would need the attention.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you should confront her. Just be open and honest, and non-threatening. Ask her what she is getting from her interest in him that she is not getting from you. Start giving her that.

You can also let her know your feelings on her continuing to reach out to him. Have you decided on consequences? Have you told them to her?

A little firmness is not threatening. It can actually be reassuring, I think. It tells her you value the relationship.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

First, consider yourself lucky you aren't married to this woman. I would confront and calmly let her know that you will not tolerate a third person I your relationship and she has to choose between you and him. The next thing you need to do is start detaching from her, you need to send a strong signal to her that you don't need her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I guess she has no clue as to what NC means

You might tell her that you do not intend to stay in a relationship where your partner is trying stay in contact with other men, 

Sit her down, and have a discussion about what relationships actually are, and what type of friends are to be allowed to each of the partners---I don't think she knows----and you sure don't wanna be married to a partner, who is gonna go behind your back and seek out contact with other men


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I strongly disagree with all of those who say you should make her choose or that you should enforce boundaries here. This woman is effectively auditioning to be your wife. She's cheating on you and can't let go of this guy. Why be so freaking needy? Sure, you have feelings for her, but my goodness, why is she THE prize? 

Tell her to go. cut her off. She is not your wife. She failed her audition. It will hurt, but what will hurt more....being married with kids and her cheating on you, maybe leaving you.

This is not a "man up" speech, this is a have some common sense speech. If, you want her, tell her to go to him. Tell her that you don't trust her and deserve better and that since she can't get him out of her system, you are getting her out of yours. See if she chooses you and cuts him off. I bet she ultimately breaks contact and then you will just do what needs to be done, drop her.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Clearly she likes having a connection with this guy. It also appears your relationship isn't strong enough to stop it. 

Seems to me it's time to draw down the relationship before you really get hurt.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I agree with BF, you already told her NC with this guy. Now she is trying to sneak around that boundary via proxy. 

Tell her it's obvious to you that she isn't getting what she needs from your relationship and if she wants to explore relationships with other guys you can't stop her, and you are not going to stay in an open relationship. To be clear, don't confront her, break up with her and then tell her why. 

If she values the relationship she will try to get you back, if she doesn't be glad it's over.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

No, I would not let her talk to this guy, and why would she need to talk to this guy, Its obvious that she does want to by what you have said.... the text saying she wants to say Hi, and by telling the friend to say hi....

Sounds to me like she wants contact with this guy, and by saying hi, shes starting conversation that could undoubtedly lead to more.

I would ask her about her reasons, and why she feels the need to talk to his guy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well, you're not married and have been w/ her for only a year or so...

Why not just dump her and move on?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Yes it's over, and if you don't wake up you'll be the last to know it. The only thing left to do is to salvage your self esteem and beat her to the official breakup. Dump her decisively and go dark on her. Your future emotional health depends upon it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Calimarshall said:


> Well... Im back...i need your opinion and advice.
> Ill make it short... And just the main thing of all this issue...
> So a couple of months ago( 4 ) my girlfriend was starting what it looked like an EA, i saw some texts and i talked with her about it.
> She said that she was not going to talk to this guy again and she didnt...after that we had a rough couple of days then it was fine, then thing were very good, ( having a great time together, great sex, kisses, hugs, telling me how much she loved me everything was good.
> ...


You should break up with her. Sorry but it's not worth it. She's not going to change, yet. And you don't want to be the guy she "learns" about herself with.

Move on, find someone who's ready and mature enough for a committed relationship....2. Be happy....3. enjoy life and not have unnecessary heart ache.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP all of this did not happen because a friend invited her to a party. It happened because she let it happen and she liked it. If not this guy at this party it would be another some other time. 

She doesn't sound like she's that into you. 

Fwiw do not establish boundaries that you are unwilling to enforce. If you do, you just end up looking weak and unattractive. 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

This problem seems to have started when your gf went to a party and met a guy and they soon started texting. Have you asked her why she gave her number to some guy at a party? Any girl/woman with a serious bf does not give her number to another man even if she claims she planned to be "just friends" with him. And then all the deception that followed (from your earlier thread) with her seeing him and meeting up with him no matter how innocent she tried to make it sound. 

She obviously is still not over him. Do you really want someone who is thinking of another man even if she is keeping herself from personally contacting him? Her asking her friend to say hi is a way of letting him know she is still interested and open to sneaking around with him. How could you ever trust her again? She has shown she is not trustworthy. She is just going to find a way to get better at covering her tracks so you don't detect her deception. You need to move on to someone better.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Here is a metaphor for your situation: Your girlfriend is attracted to a guy, but you are in a two person canoe. In order for her to pursue this conversation, you may get tossed out of the canoe because she is rocking the boat. If she wants him instead of you, while you are asleep, they will toss you out the canoe. You have asked her to stop, but now you learn that she has sent word to him, again. Do you want to spend your time worrying about whether you can sleep? Do you want her as your partner on the canoe? You can spend your time always checking up on her and hoping she won't toss you out or capsize your canoe or you can toss her out of the canoe and adjust to life alone in the canoe until another girl comes along. 

For me, once she risked my safety, she would be history. I only have one life to live and its not gonna be spent worrying about my companion. I like my canoe too much.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She's auto-removed herself from the LTR candidacy pool. The Darwin Dating award goes to her.

Now, the question is, will you do the right thing for yourself. Next the B#tch.

If you don't, she'll drag you down a path you'll be walking back alone anyway. Take that fork in the road and use the time you'd otherwise be wasting to take a break and a deep breath. Then, find the next lady. The experience, maturity and wisdom you've gained will help that next relationship.

And read up on MMSLP. Single or married, it's a great read for all guys.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

While most of the advice you've received may seem extreme; there are good reasons for it.

You are not married, no children, and your relationship has not been a long one. 

A reasonable person can look at this situation and conclude that your GF is biding her time with you until a better option comes along. Eventually she is likely to find that option with this OM or another one. The even greater tragedy would be, that despite you receiving this early warning; she finds that OM after you married her, and had children with her. 

So; you should consider this early an warning a gift.

The nicest thing I can say about your GF is that she doesn't seem to be marriage material.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

badmemory said:


> While most of the advice you've received may seem extreme; there are good reasons for it.
> 
> You are not married, no children, and your relationship has not been a long one.
> 
> ...


I agree you have been given a gift so now the ball is your court.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

She needs to know NOW that it's him or you. Tell her, "If you really want to be in contact with this guy, I'll step out of the way and you can have him. There's only gonna be two people in this relationship. Make a choice." Lay that on her and see what her reaction is. If she shows any reluctance, then you'll know where you stand and can deal with it appropriately. Good luck. 

P.S. I hope she chooses you.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

Take the advice that you are getting here. It's time to move on. Yes, it will hurt to walk away but not nearly as much as 1, 2, 5 or 10 years from now when you are back on TAM venting about your cheating girlfriend/wife/mother of your children. Believe me, you'll be kicking yourself for not taking this early warning sign seriously. Your GF has opened the exit door on your relationship, time for you to walk through it before she does.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Calimarshall,

Definitely take all the advice you're getting to dump her before she dumps you (or does something worse, like getting pregnant).

But equally important, read The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life to learn how to attract and keep a woman who _is_ into you and _not_ someone else.

Best of luck in the future.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dump her!


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## Calimarshall (May 8, 2014)

Thank you all...
Do you guys think that this happened because i told her not to talk to him and now in some way might be just for that... We have been having a good relationship so far apart from that, i can feel her love and see it in her eyes. 
It would be easier to finish this relationship if i feel that she didnt love me anymore. ( been cold , distant, ) but she's not been like that.
Maybe with some time that will grow old and let that go.
I could keep monitoring and if i see something more or know something more i could act with more self awarness.
Im i wrong intrying to save my relationship?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep monitoring.
You will find the answer in saving this relationship or not.

In short let her own actions speak for them selves when she thinks you are not around.

That's the thing about a healthy relationship ones SO acts like you are always around.... in this case you GF clearly acts one way when you are around and a nother way when you are not.

Sorry!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I bet if you could (and you can't) put a camera on top of this guys head you would see that same look in her eyes.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

My WW never acted cold or distant until she started her A. Even at the start of the A, she remained affectionate, intimate, telling me that she loves me, etc... The change in her behaviour towards me only started when I confronted her about the changes in her normal routines (working late, going for drinks with coworkers, always looking at her phone, etc...) and most importantly, when she got deeper in the affair fog. In other words, once you notice changes in her behaviour towards you, it will already be too late.

You've already informed your GF of your boundaries but she continues to ignore it. Many waywards regard establishing boundaries as "controlling" behaviour and it will become just another bs "excuse" on a list of bs excuses to justify cheating.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Calimarshall said:


> Thank you all...
> Do you guys think that this happened because i told her not to talk to him and now in some way might be just for that... We have been having a good relationship so far apart from that, i can feel her love and see it in her eyes.
> It would be easier to finish this relationship if i feel that she didnt love me anymore. ( been cold , distant, ) but she's not been like that.
> Maybe with some time that will grow old and let that go.
> ...


Well, it depends on what you mean by saving it. If you want to keep her as a member of your harem, that would be okay. If you want her as your one and only and expecting her to stay equally faithful to you over the long haul, that would be ...unwise.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Dump her!



:iagree:

Life is too short for having this kind of 'drama mama' in your life.



> "_Oooh, I am sooo conflicted! Like, I'm in lurv with Cal, and I don't wan't to hurt him, but this other guy really rings my bell! Oh! what ever should I do?_"


That's the cute little play that is running through her mind. 

You don't want to play the role of the cuckold to be? Then exit stage right.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

the guy said:


> Keep monitoring.
> You will find the answer in saving this relationship or not.


I disagree. 

Stop monitoring...just dump her. She can't be trusted.

Don't waste your time.

Do you seriously want to spend you time monitoring what you girlfriend is up to with other guys?

End it and move on.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Calimarshall said:


> I could keep monitoring and if i see something more or know something more i could act with more self awarness.


You could keep monitoring, but how much more do you need to know? How much longer are you willing to monitor her? 

She told you she would stop contact and she didn't, correct? Are you going to wait until they meet? What if they continue contact and you don't find out about it?

The thing I would be concerned about is her dishonesty first; and her likelihood of trying to test the waters second.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Calimarshall said:


> Thank you all...
> Do you guys think that this happened because i told her not to talk to him and now in some way might be just for that... We have been having a good relationship so far apart from that, i can feel her love and see it in her eyes.
> It would be easier to finish this relationship if i feel that she didnt love me anymore. ( been cold , distant, ) but she's not been like that.
> Maybe with some time that will grow old and let that go.
> ...


It happened -- and it's happening -- because she's young, immature, and is intrigued by this guy. Additionally, she's got poor boundaries.

Period.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Calimarshall,

For a guy in his late twenties, you have a lot of growing up to do, especially when it comes to understanding women. Here are a few pointers to start:



Calimarshall said:


> Thank you all...
> *Do you guys think that this happened because i told her not to talk to him and now in some way might be just for that... [No. It happened because (1) she is immature, (2) she is a lot less into you than you believe and (3) the other guy is a lot more "alpha" (manly) than you are and therefore a lot more attractive.]**
> 
> We have been having a good relationship so far apart from that, i can feel her love and see it in her eyes. [Given that your GF is running around behind your back, your relationship is a lot less "good" than you believe. This is because you are feeling what you want to feel and seeing what you want to see, rather than perceiving her for what she is -- a young lady who is bad at being faithful but good at being deceitful.]*
> ...


Stop being a chump. Take off the rose colored glasses and see your GF for what she really is -- an immature, unfaithful and deceitful young woman. The mistake you making is judging her based on what she says and how she acts when she's around you, rather than what she does when you're not around. The former is an act. The latter is reality. Learn this and then start looking for a woman who talks and acts as if she loves you even when she's in the company of others.

And, PUH-LEEZ, read _MMSLP_. Also, _"No More Mr. NIce Guy"_ by Robert Glover (https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf).


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Nobody's marriage is perfect. But when you are just dating you have the luxury of looking for perfection. Now some partners have minor imperfections. A guy who may pass gas in bed, a chick that sleeps till noon on weekends. If one can overlook these minor imperfections, great.

Now flirting with other people is not a minor imperfection. There should be no tolerance for it - it can destroy a marriage. Just dating? Then you never need to even look at her again. Just walk away. She's a walking, talking epic fail. What's the problem?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Calimarshall said:


> Thank you all...
> Do you guys think that this happened because i told her not to talk to him and now in some way might be just for that... We have been having a good relationship so far apart from that, i can feel her love and see it in her eyes.
> It would be easier to finish this relationship if i feel that she didnt love me anymore. ( been cold , distant, ) but she's not been like that.
> Maybe with some time that will grow old and let that go.
> ...


She doesn't know if that guy is attracted back and if it worth to leave risk a 1 year relationship with a decent guy for an unknown entity. You are a minimum guarantee.This relationship will end if the guy is interested back in her.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Read OP's post, skimmed the answers and waited for OP's pushback which he duly obliged.

She met a dude at a party.
You told her not to contact him.
She wished she could contact him
Finally gets her friend to do it
And no she hasn't told you, you are snooping and she's doing this behind your back.

It is very simple...

If you were worth it she wouldn't be doing this. It really is that simple.

You are trying to save this.
You are looking for answers.
You are twisting your back trying to be super boyfriend so she stays with you... meanwhile she just can't get him out of her head.

The minute dude makes a hard move on her you can kiss her goodbye.

You know she's contacting him again, just show her the door. Show her you won't be disrespected and have someone making plays for someone else while there are with you. You only demand to be treated the way you would want to be treated.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

I can pave my backyard with hearts of people (men) I know who were seeing that "love in her eyes" right until the moment they've got that "you are a great guy and such a catch for some lucky woman, but..." message. The timing for this happening to you is likely in the grip of this other guy (eg. if he is interested in your GF or not). So are you staying or going is up to you but brace yourself. Forewarned is forearmed.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Calimarshall said:


> *Well... Im back...i need your opinion and advice.*


If you stay with her, here's how your next thread here at TAM will start;

Well... Im back... *AGAIN!* i need your opinion and advice *AGAIN.*


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## RealAffairHelp (Aug 20, 2014)

Your wife is immature, it's true. 

And it's too early in your marriage for her to be having a crush or feelings for another man. She should be bonded to you, it's your honeymoon phase. Big talks about plans, kids, the whole nine yards. 

If she does not feel like she is your woman, and another man can interest her to the degree he has, it means she is not currently committed to you or your best interests together. She believes she has options. That is not a belief you should carry around in marriage. 

To help yourself, and to help her, you should initiate a divorce and stand by it. She will most likely cry and beg and plead, because she doesn't want to lose the status of being married, and she does have love for you. My advice is to proceed with that divorce unless you see drastic (and I mean drastic) changes in her behavior and attitude. If you see sullenness and poutiness, you have your answer.

Take a stand now and maintain your dignity. Either she or the next person in your life will appreciate that, and so will you.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

She may be a smart girl, but she doesn't know what love is.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Now think, she must have told her friend you didn't want her talking to this guy.
But, she is using this friend for contact.

So not only do you have her being sneaky, you have a friend willing to help her.

Do you know what that means for your future?
It means she must drop the friend for life, cause she is willing to help her deceive you.
Now if she is not willing to drop the guy, how do you think she will act if you tell her to give up this friend also.

Dude, this is why you date. To learn !!!

In a way you are dodging a bullet. 
You've learned she is sneaky when it comes to hot guys, and her friend is just as shady.

Now you can do what you want, but you sound too young to play police on ur girl from now on.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

In fact, forget our advice. 
We'll see you here later if you stay with her.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are smart to have kept your eye on her. What you learned should tell you everything. She is interested in other men. Why? She needs the ego boost. Your affirmation is not enough.

May I suggest that you dump her as gently as you can. Tell her its not on her but you. You are just not good enough for her. You want too much from her (i.e., fidelity) and you don't want to let her down. Do not say anything about what you have learned, just break it off.

If she says she loves you, you can reluctantly admit that you love her, too. If she insists that she wants to try and fix things and wants to know what she could do to save your relationship, you could cryptically remark that she might be able to. Suggest she brain storm with her toxic girlfriend for advice.

At the end of the day, you don't need a woman who is so likely to wander.

However, if you like, tell more about her great qualities. Sell her to us.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Cali, you mentioned in an earlier thread that you were searching for a "life partner." From what you've said, this YOUNG lady doesn't fill the bill. Yeah, she's great while with you, but she has other desires as well. There's something about this other guy that gets "her juices flowing" and she's made it obvious that she wants to "talk" to him, even going so far as to have a girl friend of hers let him know that. I could be wrong (God knows it wouldn't be the first time), but in the long run I don't see this working out for you. No need for a super-emotional confrontation. Just talk with her and let her know that you'll be moving on and now she can see this other guy right out in the open; no need for sneaking around. Good luck to you in your search for the real girl of your dreams and life partner.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Calimarshall said:


> Thank you all...
> 
> Do you guys think that this happened because i told her not to talk to him and now in some way might be just for that... We have been having a good relationship so far apart from that, i can feel her love and see it in her eyes.
> 
> ...



Yes. Yes you are wrong. 100%. 

You've got oneitis bad. Take her off the pedestal. She's just a woman. She farts, gets snotty noses, looks like crap in the morning occasional and is 100% replaceable. Oh and she's not into you either. Because if she was the "other guy" would have been quickly shot down. 

You have no kids, and no serious connection. By futzing around with this woman you are wasting valuable prospecting time to find the girl who would gladly throw your wandering gf under the bus. 

Your greatest power in any relationship for a man is commitment. Next her and find a chick who digs you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Oh and no last roll in the hay for old time sake.

Especially if you have a big bank account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Telling her it is over, and why, could really be doing her a favor. Either you will see a changed young woman in front of your eyes, or you both go on to find more suitable partners.

UE is right about commitment. Men (and women) should be careful about it. Choosing or accepting the right partner is one of the most critical decisions we make in life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> She may be a smart girl, but she doesn't know what love is.


Neither does this guy.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Need advice... Is it over?*



U.E. McGill said:


> By futzing around with this woman you are wasting valuable prospecting time


Heh, spoken like a true sales manager.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

You guys haven't even been together for a year and she's in her early 20's. Just move on.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Heh, spoken like a true sales manager.



Always fill the sales funnel, and sometimes the customer is not always right. Sometimes they need to be fired.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hey Cali,

Hope you are well. How are things going ? Any developments ?


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## Calimarshall (May 8, 2014)

Hi manfromlamancha, well, we are still together, everything between us is good. I think i'm going to stay here for now, everything is runing good amd smooth and maybe i was overeacting or she'll let that go.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

That's good to hear - did she or her friend end up contacting the [email protected] ?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> *That's good to hear* - did she or her friend end up contacting the [email protected] ?


No it's not. He's setting himself up for major heartbreak in the future, probably the near future.

Calimarshall, she's going to cheat on you. Guaranteed. If you marry and/or tie yourself to her with children you will regret it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

If she does come up pregnant insist on a paternity test before you accept responsibility for the child.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Calimarshall said:


> Hi manfromlamancha, well, *we are still together,* everything between us is good. *I think i'm going to stay here for now*, everything is runing good amd smooth and maybe i was overeacting or she'll let that go.


Wow.... all that GREAT advice for nothing.

Cali, keep your TAM account activated. We'll see you here next year. Wishing you the best...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

When you go back and read your other two threads, it is VERY apparent you have a problem on your hands with this GF.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/190858-i-think-my-girlfriend-falling-someone-else.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/204810-showing-her-true-colors-will-work.html

Oh, Cali.... *sigh* :banghead:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

DO NOT MAKE A BABY WITH HER.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Welcome to america's new fast pace game show...DENIAL....even when you win you lose.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> No it's not. He's setting himself up for major heartbreak in the future, probably the near future.
> 
> Calimarshall, she's going to cheat on you. Guaranteed. If you marry and/or tie yourself to her with children you will regret it.


:iagree:



Nucking Futs said:


> If she does come up pregnant insist on a paternity test before you accept responsibility for the child.


:iagree:



PhillyGuy13 said:


> DO NOT MAKE A BABY WITH HER.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Calimarshall, wait at least two years before marrying or having children with her and, in the meantime, monitor her behavior very carefully. If, as most of us suspect, she is a cheater, she will likely cheat again in that span of time.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Put the "shoe on the other foot" scenario. What if you went to a party, connected was found to be having a EA for sure. Would she like it, I think not. She is a girlfriend, you found out she has a cracked moral compass. Better to find out now, before it's way too late. It's easy for me to see this for what it is, she is a cheater in the making. I would not live my life with someone I could not "TRUST! Period. 
There is way too many good girls in this world, if you treat them well, they will have your back. She does not. Go find that girl who makes it fun to be in love with. Not sad, angry, resentful, and eventually hate. The last is not good. Hate is very powerful emotion, and belongs nowhere in a marriage. Good luck. BTW my 2 cents, but I would walk, so what if she's hot, if she is, misery is an awful feeling. I can attest to that, as well as a lot of other folks here.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> That's good to hear - did she or her friend end up contacting the [email protected] ?


Well, did she or her friend contact the guy, Cali ?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Some wisdom can be taught. Some wisdom needs to be lived to be learned.








See you again, soon...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

another who thinks he got 1 way out of his imaging, and will go down with the ship.

Well all the best man.
And that's sincerely.


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## Calimarshall (May 8, 2014)

Well... You guys were right ... We just broke up...
She contacted him again by phone and it was because her friend was with this guy. 
I knew i should've listened to all of your adivce but i was or still inlove i thought things were going to be better but they didnt ... They did for a while but then again i had to learn this lesson right ... Im very confused... This pain ... Oh my god....
I still love her... I know i sound stupid but it really hurts.
Oh my god...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry man. Learn from this, and move on. Kick her out of your life for good, and be happy that you weren't married, didn't have kids, etc.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I am really sorry it turned out this way for you but at least your not tied to her. Be thankful for that. As much as it hurts start doing things for you. Nothing like reinvesting in yourself. It helps you think and makes you feel better through it all. 

I hope your day goes better. 

Clay


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> I am really sorry it turned out this way for you but at least your not tied to her. Be thankful for that. As much as it hurts start doing things for you. Nothing like reinvesting in yourself. It helps you think and makes you feel better through it all.
> 
> I hope your day goes better.
> 
> Clay


:iagree::iagree:
Hey it's called a life lesson bro.
It could have been a lot worse with child support and alimony.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Calimarshall said:


> Well... You guys were right ... We just broke up...
> She contacted him again by phone and it was because her friend was with this guy.
> I knew i should've listened to all of your adivce but i was or still inlove i thought things were going to be better but they didnt ... They did for a while but then again i had to learn this lesson right ... Im very confused... This pain ... Oh my god....
> I still love her... I know i sound stupid but it really hurts.
> Oh my god...


You don't sound stupid. Your ex? She does sound a little bit stupid, however.

We'll be here for you, please do know that.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Well, you got lucky on this one, and by that I mean you were not married so you don't have to go through the living hell of divorce.

File this one under: Traits that I will not tolerate and remember what they were.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Feel fortunate that you had a lucky escape. Your girlfriend could have been your wife and your troubles would have been far greater. The cheating kind will break your heart. Best wishes to you in your new road ahead.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Some wisdom can be taught. Some wisdom needs to be lived to be learned.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





^^^ ^^^ ^^^

This kind of wisdom will stay with you for life.

You had an idea of what was happening/going to happen, but your emotions over ruled it.

If you're ever in this situation again, you'll not only have an idea, you'll act upon it now with what you've lived and learned.

I'm sorry that you that things didn't work out for you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Calimarshall said:


> Well... You guys were right ... We just broke up...
> She contacted him again by phone and it was because her friend was with this guy.
> I knew i should've listened to all of your adivce but i was or still inlove i thought things were going to be better but they didnt ... They did for a while but then again i had to learn this lesson right ... Im very confused... This pain ... Oh my god....
> I still love her... I know i sound stupid but it really hurts.
> Oh my god...


Congratulations! And I mean that sincerely. You get to walk away from a habitual lying, manipulative partner.

I know it hurts. It sucks. It will take time but it will pass. Enjoy being single. Sorry for your pain, but the positive thing is your new life has begun, it's all onward Nd upward from here!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Calimarshall said:


> Well... You guys were right ... We just broke up...
> She contacted him again by phone and it was because her friend was with this guy.
> I knew i should've listened to all of your adivce but i was or still inlove i thought things were going to be better but they didnt ... They did for a while but then again i had to learn this lesson right ... Im very confused... This pain ... Oh my god....
> I still love her... I know i sound stupid but it really hurts.
> Oh my god...


Look Cal,

The pain you feel now is not complicated by property splits, custody battles, visitation rights and child support/alimony. BE THANKFUL that you learned this now and not later. When you find that girl who only sees you in a room full of people, you'll be so glad you let this one go.

Your pain will subside with time and you'll fish again. Hope you find a keeper this time. Remember one crucial thing, you cannot make someone feel for you like you feel for them and expecting them to change is unrealistic. Although it can happen, it is so rare that I believe you'd have a better chance buying a lottery ticket.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

As others have said. Please read the MMSLP. It will help you in your next relationship. Sorry for your pain but you were clearly being manipulated here and you dodged a bullet. Best to you.


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## Joe75 (Oct 12, 2013)

Hi Calimarshall

I been there. Perhaps my experience will give you some hope that there is life after a breakup with better days ahead.

When I was in my third year of university, I started dating a girl from my hometown. She was intelligent, outgoing, pretty, fun to be with and very much into me. I thought I had hit the jackpot. By the following summer, I was very much in love with her and I was going to ask her to marry me at Xmas.

Well the wheels started to come off this relationship when she and I attended a wedding that same summer. At the reception, a good friend asked her to dance. Eventually, it seemed that they were gone for a significant amount of time. I looked towards the dance floor and saw that they were very much enjoying each other’s company. I was furious and we left the wedding reception as soon as the bride and groom had departed.

We spoke about this later that night. In the end, I thought the matter was settled and we were good to go. However, during this discussion she never apologized for her behaviour and offered that she liked my “cute” friend. At this point, I should have realized that this relationship was dying; but, I was in love.

Afterwards, things were never quite the same; but, I was in love. After I went back to university, I found out that she was seeing another fellow back in my hometown. I came back to confront her. When I called her home, her mother, who answered, started to panic when she realized it was me. Right then I knew that the other guy was in that house with the woman I loved. After I ended the phone call with her mother, a tide of immense hurt rolled over me. I have never felt such pain. Getting control of my emotions, I now knew that we were done, went dark and returned to my university.

I didn’t think I would ever get over her; but, life continues. It was a challenging academic year. I was involved in university life, played hockey (although somewhat more aggressively for a period of time (lol)) and had many friends. Also, I was looking forward to my post university career. The black cloud that was over me slowly started to disperse and by Xmas I had obtained a level of normality. Two years later, I found the woman that I was meant to marry. We have spent almost forty years together on our journey through life.

Calimarshall, although we love sometimes some loves are not meant to be. It is normal to mourn a death of a relationship and feeling the pain is not stupid. However, rays of light will shine through the gloom and if embraced, life will open up for you again. 

Regards

Joe75


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Young man, here is advice that will save you lots of pain:
Never engage with her again. You just got free and if you engage in conversation, email, letters or anything. If you do, you will get sucked back in and suffer more pain.

Think of this metaphor. Imagine that you have to walk through a 50 yard gauntlet of pain to get away from her. As you go through it, you are getting pummeled and it hurts. You stop half way (25 yards) and go back to the beginning (25 yards). That's 50 yards of pain and have not gotten anywhere. Finally you push thru and get to the other side. 100 yard of pain when it was only a 50 yard course. Now, you stick your head back in, you re-engage. Well, that's just more pain.

Once you go through the pain gauntlet, keep moving. If you re-engage, you will go through 2x, 3x, 4x, the pain when all you had to do was endure the 50 yard gauntlet once. Breaking up with someone you love hurts. That's the pain gauntlet. Seeing them with someone else hurts, still its the gauntlet. Don't slow down, don't go back, push through and move on.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Cali, listen to bigfoot. I don't think you've seen the last of your cheatin' ex. Soon she's going to realize what a mistake she made or he'll dump her for someone else. She'll remember what a great guy you were, and she'll move heaven and earth to reconnect. Don't fall for it. You've made the break, stick to your guns even though you say you sill love her. Take her back and it'll happen again sooner or later. Count yourself VERY lucky that you found out about her real self before you two got married and had kids. THEN your breakup wouldn't be so clean or painless. Good luck to you in your new future. There are some really good, loyal ladies out there looking for a good, loyal man. Go out and find them. :smthumbup:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MMSLP review at amazon.com

_. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

oops.... this really is a review,lol

_*Most Helpful Customer Reviews



55 of 60 people found the following review helpful
Wives - You want that giddy feeling you used to have for your hubby? Buy this book for your husbands!
By Stay-at-Home Mom on March 18, 2012
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase 
Coming from a woman's perspective, this book hit RIGHT ON with the problems I was having being attracted to my husband. It actually tells men how to make their wives want them. It's written by a man, for men, and I appreciated that because the author gave examples with his own relationship with his wife on his daily interactions that work to help her lust after him. It made it much more concrete and real-life to us as the readers.

Not only does the book talk about why I was feeling less attracted to my very physically fit, tall, extremely athletic, highly intelligent, well-maintained, loving husband, but it gave specific steps for him to take in order to make me go crazy for him again. I had no idea it was as easy as him becoming more of an alpha-male at home with me. I knew I wanted him to be more assertive in the bedroom and generally in our married life together by making more or most of the decisions such as where we're going to eat or what we're going to do this weekend, but no matter how many times and ways I tried to tell him this, it didn't seem to compute because he's so polite with me and that's how he showed me love. This book not only explains to a man why and how to be assertive with women, but also has anecdotes of the author's personal relationship with his wife on little playful interactions and flirtation that a lot of men like my husband didn't do and didn't think to do. The author was able to put into words and communicate to my husband in a fun, comical way, what I could not, in explaining what I really wanted and needed in a man.

Be forewarned, the author sort of blames women for their unhappiness in the marriage and points the finger at women for helping to "create" men they won't desire. It wasn't until I read further, that I had to agree with him.*_


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

Consider yourself lucky that you got out now, without losing anything. And don't say you lost love, because you never had it.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

why are you talking monitering and nc...she is a girlfriend NOT a wife...there is NO legal binding agreement, assumed no kids or shared house/finances...there is NOTHING holding you to her other than feelings

you should take her out to a nice dinner, then a night of mind blowing sex, as thanks for showing you what kind of woman she is before you made it legal...and tell her you will NEVER EVER commit to her, let alone marry her, but if she wishes to continue to date (on a 100% dutch deal, no more paying for her) and have sex, your good, until you find mrs right because she sure as fook aint it


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

syhoybenden said:


> She may be a smart girl, but she doesn't know what love is.


sure she does
she just hasnt found it yet
and until she does, cali will fill in nicely


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> When you go back and read your other two threads, it is VERY apparent you have a problem on your hands with this GF.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/190858-i-think-my-girlfriend-falling-someone-else.html
> 
> ...


no he has a bigger problem
he is a consumate door mat...if THIS one doesnt treat him like crap and cheat on him, take him for all he has, then the next one will...

He needs to be single for a while, and sack up a bit...women arent attracted to door mats...wallet sniffers are


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

My two cents- for when she tries to get you back

When my EH cheated on me. I never attempted to stop the woman. Bc she was just the symptom, and he had the cancer. Nip one symptom, another symptom (woman) will just pop up in her place. 

Your ex gf has the cheating cancer. I do not believe in having the whole "setting boundaries" conversation with someone i'm in a serious relationship with. I feel that it is common sense. I never try to control their actions, but I will always be in control of my reaction to their actions. 

If I knew that my man cared so much about telling someone "hi" (which is code for something else anyways) - there is something wrong in our relationship. Either he is just an innate cheater, or there is something that needs fixing in our relationship. 

Today- how I would handle if my SO did that- would be to block him from my phone (we don't live together) for a week. Then by the time I unblock him- i'm sure he would've figured out why I was upset. We would talk about it. And it would be up to him if he would ever do that again- but a second time- and its done. But i'm really prideful and stubborn like that. And is one of the reasons why i'm working the "TAM program." 

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you go thru a speedy recovery by purging yourself of her. It seems like such a waste of time- when we all look back on past breakups- and the pain we went thru due to an ex- when, in hindsight- that ex seemed like a waste of space themselves. But again- in hindsight. And hindsight means putting that witch in the past- and not keeping her in the present!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's one of those lessons you need to learn. Now you understand you have to have stronger boundaries, right? Now you know that if the next woman starts to look at other guys, you IMMEDIATELY say 'him or me' and let her choose. Read MMSLP and NMMNG and figure out what it means to be a strong, confident man who TAKES NO CRAP. You tried being Nice to her and guess what? You looked weak. If you had put your foot down at first, told her him or me, she would have liked you more. Doesn't mean she would have stopped, but you would have have a better chance than just trusting her. Read the books.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Calimarshall said:


> Thank you all...
> Do you guys think that this happened because i told her not to talk to him and now in some way might be just for that... We have been having a good relationship so far apart from that, i can feel her love and see it in her eyes.


Cali my man, one thing you can take to the bank. When a woman starts becoming interested in another man, it means she's losing interest in you. The tingle you believes she now feels for you will soon be a chill. (If I'm wrong I hope some ladies will step up to the plate an straighten me out).
Here's what you need to do Dawg. Tell her you know she still desires to talk to this guy. And you love her so much you want to see her happy even if its without you. Therefore you are giving her the freedom to talk to him and spend as much time with him as she wants. If she later discovers he's just not her type, tell her to give you a call and I you can work her in, you might consider hanging out. Walk away, loose her number, and start dating other chicks. 
Believe me, the last thing you need is a chick hinging onto you while she looks for something she may like better.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Very wise words from Joe75. Very wise.

Cali

Your life is going to be great. mourn the loss of the relationship and when you are feeling strong again go find a real woman that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her.

HM


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Cali my man, one thing you can take to the bank. When a woman starts becoming interested in another man, it means she's losing interest in you. The tingle you believes she now feels for you will soon be a chill. (If I'm wrong I hope some ladies will step up to the plate an straighten me out).
> Here's what you need to do Dawg. Tell her you know she still desires to talk to this guy. And you love her so much you want to see her happy even if its without you. Therefore you are giving her the freedom to talk to him and spend as much time with him as she wants. If she later discovers he's just not her type, tell her to give you a call and I you can work her in, you might consider hanging out. Walk away, loose her number, and start dating other chicks.


The sooner the better. When you do find some ladies that respect you and treat you well, you will have a hard time justifying anything with her.



ThePheonix said:


> Believe me, the last thing you need is a chick hinging onto you while she looks for something she may like better.


You don't want to let go because it is familiar, but it's a terrible type of "attention" to recieve from someone. It will take any confidence that you had and eat it up.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Joe75 said:


> Hi Calimarshall
> 
> Two years later, I found the woman that I was meant to marry. We have spent almost forty years together on our journey through life.


If you talk to 1,000 guys ten years afterwards, 999 will tell you it the best thing that could have happened.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Sorry you had to go your separate ways its for the best. You would have been miserable. Always snooping, wondering where she is, etc... This is not the way to live. If you are young, take care of yourself physically and have the good man gene, you will be okay. Plenty of woman out there who will be good to you. You will get through this, if I can along with others here, it just takes time and effort. Lucky if you ask me.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Joe75,

Great post for helping Calimarshall.

It also reminded me of something I fervently believe.

When you first meet a person, you are seeing the mask they want you to see for several months at least (about 6 months in my experience).

BUT, if you watch for it and take your own love blinders off, they will eventually show you who and what they really are.

Cali,

Consider yourself lucky....she has revealed herself to be a totally selfish woman with no capacity to be loyal or devoted.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear this Cali - so what happened exactly ? What did you find, what did you say, what did she say in response etc ?

Also didn't fully understand your statement about "her friend being with him".


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Calimarshall said:


> Well... You guys were right ... We just broke up...
> She contacted him again by phone and it was because her friend was with this guy.
> I knew i should've listened to all of your adivce but i was or still inlove i thought things were going to be better but they didnt ... They did for a while but then again i had to learn this lesson right ... Im very confused... This pain ... Oh my god....
> I still love her... I know i sound stupid but it really hurts.
> Oh my god...


Dear Calimarshall,

Despite how badly you feel right now, someday you will be thankful that you were able to end this relationship before it permanently screwed up your life.

Your task now -- in addition to getting over her as soon as possible so that you don't foolishly take her back -- is to figure out how you ended up falling in love with someone who could treat you so badly, so that you don't do it again.

A good place to start would be to read "Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay.

Good luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Poor kid. 

I remember what it was like to be young and getting fvcked over....


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