# I don't know really what's going on here, Please Help!!!



## medic (Jan 30, 2013)

Hello, I am new here, I joined the site to try to get some information on what is going on in my marriage and try and figure things out to help my wife and I through this. My wife is 28 and I'm 29.

I met my wife back in the spring of '07 and we had a really good dating time and was married in August of '09. Things went great we purchased a house and remodeled it moved in and life was grand. At the time I was a new paramedic and my wife finishing RN school. Everything was final with her school in 2010 and she started her new job in the fall of 2010 as a ER nurse. Everything was going good I worked alot maybe 4 24hr. shifts a week and my wife 3 nights a week, but that was different from her 8-6 LPN shift she worked until she her RN.

The marriage was perfect no fights, no nothing our personal relationship was great and bedroom time was good too, we talked about having children and my wife had been on some sort of anti-depressants for many years due to very painful menstrual cycles and demons that she was carrying from a previous relationship and the loss of a loved one. My wife had been on this medication for a really long time like 10+ years and she had spoken to her GYN about this and she advised to stop it because this med had a side effect of throwing off fertility cycles. So my wife did. Well everything was still good in the marriage, but however I started noticing severe mood swings from time to time, they were gone as fast as they surfaced.

In this time we had a change in our routines sometimes we would just pass or I would see my wife when I took patients to the hospital in the ambulance and when we got home the next morning this was a big change but we delt with it and got into a groove, we still went on dinner dates and movies and everything we did before the schedule change just had to make some changes to keep those possible. Which everything remained good.

In the winter/spring of 2011 is when things really started to go sour. I noticed that the mood swings had became more and more prevalint my wife crying alot and saying she wondered if I loved her. My response was why wouldn't I not love you. Now keep in mind we never really had a severe argument or anything till this point. We were spending times with friends going and doing things with friends and my wife and I doing things together, keeping active as much as possible. Then all at this time I noticed the sex-life had started to drop off some, because several months of trying to conceive and negative pregnancies.

Then the excuses started surfacing, I'm playing too many games, I worked too much, I was selfish, so I made changes no games or no games while we were together and only working what I had too. Then rumors started flowing around unbeknown to me that I was having an affair with a female partner that I worked with, and this partner was a great family friend with a very good and strong marriage both successful and happy with 2 children. I will tell that this never happened not in the first inclination, we was only work friends when we was working and there was no contact unless it was both families together. But this didn't surface till later on, which I will get to that shortly.

My wife and I was very active in the local fire department, which is what we did together when was off if we had a call, or was pre-occupied with family business. There was several younger junior members in the department still in high school. One in particular was having a hard time with school history class as matter of fact. My wife has a minor in history and she offered to help. Well, this was all well and good for a few months, then I was confronted by one of my wifes cousins that was in the department and another member that the high school individual is trying to get at my wife and he is making the comments.

So, as being honest to my wife, we never kept anything from each other I went to her and asked if she knew the rumor about this individual supposedly trying to get at you. My wife busted into tears and went off the deep end and confronted the individual about this and everything blew over, supposedly. Well, as time went on we kept our normal schedules working and doing activites when we had time together taking trips, fishing, dinner, movies, shopping, alone time and just days where we spent on the couch together watching tv talking and everything. In June of 2011 my wife broke her arm at the station I worked at due to the floor being wet where we washed the ambulance, and she was put off work for several months. Well, in this period of time I had to work almost double what I had been working to make ends meet. I had no problem with this, it was ok. But my wife began to feel that she wasn't contributing and made her feel less of a person that I having to carry the weight. My respone was remember our vows, In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. I'll do what I have to to make ends meet. And she agreed.

Things were fine until about Memorial Day normally we would go a race that weekend like we had for the past several years with family and friends but due to financial constraints we didn't go. Well, at this time my wife was really feeling bad that we didn't go and she felt it was her fault. I told her it doesn't matter I will watch it on tv no big deal. Well, the day went on and my wife laid in bed feeling down about this I went to check on her and she was crying I asked, what was the matter, she asked if I loved her. I told her, yes of course I do why wouldn't I. She said well why are you having an affair with your partner at work. Well, that floored me. In no way had I been having an affair with my partner in no way shape or form. My wife said that she was upset an was leaving. I tried to get her to stay but she left, and called later that evening wanting to know if she could come home, of course come home, I said. We worked things out but still over the next few weeks things still didn't feel right like something else was the matter. I noticed increased usage and texting that my wife was doing but I really paid no attention to it. Until, one day we was getting ready to goto a drive-in movie I noticed her phone lit up and it was the boy from the fire department which is now 18. Saying well have fun but remember him and her forever. So I used her phone and sent a message like do you not respect me or my wife and our marriage that you would say such a thing I advise you to stop. Well, later on that turned into a arguement with my wife and she left again, and was gone for a short period of time to a friends house she had called when she got there and later on that evening wanted to come home. Again, I told her yes come home. We sorted this out and things seemed to be fine.

We went of vacation and our annual anniversay trip that we always take on our marriage anniversay and everything seemed to be fine. Later on after my wife started back to work I noticed a real change in her attitude toward me and our marriage. So, I asked what was the matter she said she was in love with someone else and it happened to be this individual. Well, she left again but was back as soon as she left. I asked is all this worth giving up all the good times and the bonds that we have for something else. Well, its October now and things had died back down and we was making good progress and there seemed to be no outside infulences anymore. Then all of a sudden a family friend noticed the individual in a local store and he thought it was someone from the grave, my wife's ex-boyfriend that died in a car accident a few years prior to me and my wife dating and eventually marriage. He had changed his hair-color, beard/mustache, attire, and actions to act just like the ex-boyfriend that had died. This individual, the same individual that was trying to get at my wife. I confronted him about it. He said he knew what made my wife tick, how to get in her head, he wanted our happiness that his happiness was stripped from him at a young age because he was sexually abused by a family member. He stated that he wanted my wife as his own, I told him to leave her, me and our marriage alone. He even stated that he knew that it was wrong and what he wanted and wanted my wife.

Well things escilated from there on. Eventually, the affair did consumate and my wife since then had been hurt that she did something like that, she appologized and grieved that she was so wrapped up in this that she actually thought this individual was her ex from the past. We worked through it and she started to seek counseling to get over this and now keep in mind this was extremely hard for me. But I truely love my wife and I seen after this she truely did love me and I could see that she did make a mistake, but I told her that this will take time to heal I could forgive her for it but will never forget it, and I have never brought it up. And this now being in 2012 at the time of this repairing things seemed to be on the up and up. 

But with all of this the individual broke it off, saying he didn't want a relationship with her, he wanted his own relationships, that he wasn't ready to settle down. That he had his own life to live and didn't want to be responsible for anyone else other than him and he wanted to do whatever he wanted to do.

This really tore my wife up and really made her even more depressed that she did this because of what reason, she told me it was because she thought I didn't love her and she thought it was her ex from the past.

There were highs and lows but the talk of children again and moving to a more rural area and plans had been made. My wife even started going to counseling to help with this situation but that was short-lived, she explained everything to me after each session and there was always something given for us to work on until the next session. WEll, during the 4th session the session before I was to be brought in alone to get my feelings and side of the issue and my thoughts of the marriage. I guess the counselor stepped on a nerve of my wife and basically told her that she is going to have to let go of the ex that she lost in a car accident or its going to haunt you forever, and beleived that it was the cause of the affair. And she even told my wife that from everything that she told the counselor about me that I was a very outstanding husband must love you truely, becuase he hasn't turned his back to you he has been there to comfort you through all of this even after you made a mistake, which the counselor felt the individual from the affair was using it to get at her and she is letting the memories and feeling from her ex drive her decisions unconsciously/consciously. That was the last time she ever went to counseling.

Well, in the summer of 2012 things started to get a little weird again, I just laid them off as my mind running rampant thinking something is going on, then people were coming to me about this male individual that is going through a hard time with his marriage is sniff at my wife. My wife and I sat down and talked about it, worked it out and thing were fine.

Things were fine until we was on summer vacation, I came into our beach house and I could tell my wife was upset. Well, apparently someone had been starting rumors back home and they trickled down and the individual that was supposedly sniffing texted my wife saying that I had said something that day. I gave my wife my phone, pulled up phone records on the computer and showed her everything in my phone that there was nothing that it was just a sick/stupid rumor that someone had started and came to find out the individuals wife. Well, all blowed over vacation continued content, having a good time with my wifes family and friends and their children. Nothing really was ever said until. Just a few days ago in 2013.

One of my wife's cousins that works on the ambulance came to my house to talk to my wife unannounced while I was at the hospital with my mother. I came home and my wife asked if I sent him here. I said no he texted me and wanted to know if we were home. I told him my wife was that I would be home shortly. Well, basically he confronted my wife with the story that the affair really bothers me and is effecting your husband negatively, and all the rumors running around again about this other individual and his marrige now being that a divorce has been filed between him and his wife, both parties in there were involved in infidelity. Basically, my wife said that he did everything to make her feel really bad and basically called her a ****, got up and left the house.

Well, this blowed over for about a week and wife has been having a hard time at work with co-workers and bosses nit picking at her and it really bothered her. My wife is a outstanding nurse and person very compasionate in what she does. And is there to listen to friends if they need to talk and I'm the same way but I don't let that get in my way of my marriage at all.

Well, that blowed over and as I was going to work the other evening like one week ago I got a text message stating that there is another person after my wife like in the past affair. I asked, ok I thought there is nothing going on, and was told well thats not the case the rumors are flying around again. So I enqired more information, well it came up that this other male individual that was friends with the person that sent me the text message and he had been really distant to everyone since he filed for divorce and my wife had been distant with her friends unbeknowns to me. So as usual when something arises that concerns my wife or marriage and my wife does the same I confronted her about it and said I'm not accusing you of anything, but the rumors have started again, started by the same person that came to the house the other night. My wife blew a gasket, nobody can have friends because of this crap and this is all bullcrap. I can't take it I'm leaving I can't take this anymore, I'm done.

I came home from work my wife already home from her night shift sitting in the living room crying holding her head, clearly I see she has a migraine, so she calls off work and I take her to bed, fix her something to eat, get pain medications and nausea meds and do what I'm supposed to do like the vows say in sickness and in health just like I always have done in the past. Well, this one was a bad one, lasted almost 3 days. Well, finally she got up enough to eat moer than toast and a couple hot dogs I fixed a good meal, my wife took a shower and said she was feeling better. We ate and watched TV I cleaned up the kitchen and came back in and was watching tv together my wife out of the blue looked over and said. I'm leaving I'm going to her mom and dads I've got to have space, I can't do this anymore, I'm not happy. I don't want a family, I don't want children, I want to be alone. I've got to figure myself out. I tried reasoning with her and trying to get answers as to why all this has came up, she said that she doesn't want to hurt me or anything but I've got to do what I feel is right and right now this is the only thing to her that feels right.

She told me that she didn't love me anymore as I love her. That she has changed from the time that we gotten married till now. That I would never be able to trust her again. I said, well I'm working on it and it will take time it's not going to be a quick fix and may never be 100% fixed but I can't do it alone, I can't do it with every few months there's a rumor and somehow we and our marriage is involved.

She gathered up some clothes for work and her cosmetics and little odds and ends a few blankets her pillows and things, and let me see one of our dogs that was at the house before she left. I hugged and kissed her and told her that I loved her and she didn't have to do this, she told me she loved me too but she felt this is what she has to do. And she would go get our other dog from a family member and bring it back. All this time my wife was fighting back the tears and emotions, I could tell she didn't want to do it but was doing it anyway.

A short while later she returned with out other dog and for a few minutes was like nothing ever happened. We walked the dog and we talked I told her that she didn't have to do this that I loved her and we can get through this together, she said she didn't want to hurt me but this is what she felt was right. She hugged me and I embraced that and was crying the whole time I told her I loved her and again she said she loved me too, she said goodbye to our dog got in her vehicle and drove off.

A few short hours later she called to see how I was doing, still I was wreck, and still today I'm upset. I asked, her that the door is open to come home that I will be here for her that we can try and work things out, again she stated that she felt this is what she has to do, she has to figure things out, that she loved me and will always love me. She even minutes after she left she said she was losing cell service that she would call me and that she loved me. Well, the phone conversation ended and I didn't get much sleep. The house empty but me and one of our dogs. There was and still are a emense feeling of emptyness here that I am having a hard time dealing with.

Yet, the odd thing is my wife still texts me calls to check in calls to talk, even though you can hear the saddness in her voice, and in the conversation earlier on the phone she danced around asking if she could come home. I told her that I was a wreck, I'm hurting, I feel empty without you come home and lets work this out. Never really said anything and changed the subject. Even while she has been at work she has taken the time to text most of the evening when she could and even called, and we talked for almost a hour not about what has happened but whats going on at work, the weather, I guess small talk. Well, she ended the converstation as well I better go, I love you.

I'm just at a loss here I don't know what to do, how to take this or where to begin, or deal with the emptiness. And, franctly confused that she still texts, calls, randomly and texts or calls when she gets to work and leaves work like we have since '07 like nothing has changed. I want to go talk to her father about this because her father and I are really really close he's like another father and has stated several times he is glad that his daughter has such a loving supportive husband that is taking care of his daughter, and that he likes spending time with me and having me around. And one thing that bother's me is when I asked him for his daughters hand in marriage he stated if I ever get tired of her and don't want her anymore to bring her home. And now that she is back at her parents I don't want him to think that because I respect him and my marriage and family. But I don't know if my wife has said anything to them about this situation or not.

I told my wife that I would honor her time for space, but the door is open and she could come home anytime because it's kind of lonely her without her. But I'm not giving up on our marriage and mistakes that have been made in the past. That I value this to the highest degree. And there is so much for us to gain and we would be losing so much if she decided that a divorce was the answer.

Now a little insight or clarification. My wife had been taken these anti-depressants for multiple years before we started dating and shortly after she stopped taking them so we could try and have children. Ever since stopping the meds, it took seveal months before the first blow-up episode and then they became more and more frequent about eery 2 - 3 months but we handled them and got things back in order. I have tried to get my wife to get back on the meds and see how that makes things feel or change but she always stated that it's not going to help, that I will never trust her and that she has changed from the time we got married. Only, change I see is the change that has occurred since she stopped taking the medication.

I need some insight on this about what to do, how to handle this, how long to wait for her, wether or not I should go talk to her father(for my own benefit), and that she will acutally listen to him. I'm at a loss here I don't know where to turn. I pray alot and try to find things to take my mind off of it. My wife and I have done everything in our marriage together and experienced almost everything together we have consuled each other in low times and been there for each other through thick and thin.

I just don't know what to do.

Can someone out there please give me ideas on what to do, of how to help myself and utmost importance help my wife and our marriage.

Thanks

Medic


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Thats a hard situation to figure out the real issues.

First up though, depression and medication is not justification for cheating. It sounds like any psychological justification would be deeper than that. She knew what she was doing was wrong though IMO and the whole accusing you of cheating sounds like projection form what she was doing / was thinking of doing.

I am sad to say, there isn't much you can do for your marriage from where I'm sat. It sounds like she needs real professional help and that you need to focus on protecting yourself. It sounds like you have done some rugsweeping about the affair and her behavior using the mental health thing as justification to do so. Take a look at how you behave and react to things and try to see where you could or should have handled things differently.

As someone with similar demons to face as your wife, I say now, the only person who can change this, is her, she has to engage in the help she needs, she has to want to get better no matter how hard it is to face the demons. I sypathise with her but it's the simple truth. No amount of medication or therapy can help unless she helps herself too.

Whether you can find a way to support her in this I don't know. I personally think it is a fight she maybe needs to make without you? She needs to do what she needs to do for herself not for you or her marriage. If you can find a way to support that great but as a stranger it's is hard to advise on that side or how you should handle any interaction with her family.


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## medic (Jan 30, 2013)

I want to support her and get help for her and I both, get her back on the meds, and see what happens. I feel to me this was a rash action for something that was not of my doing, but I took the brunt of it. I know she is hurting, a co-worker that is a friend of mine called me yesterday and said that my wife looks a wreck and really seems down like she has been stomped, he said she was very quiet which is not her, she looked tired, bags under her eyes like she has been crying for a longtime and looked really really troubled. She even talked to a family friend a close friend of mine and told him she was sorry, he said for what. She asked about her and I and he said yeah I know I talked to him about it, she well I think its best right now. I just don't understand why this is going on, but it really gets me down that things have been so good and have been able to patch them up that the guilt or the wounds from the past are eating at her and seems like she can't let it go because it hurt so bad that she dwells on it, and majority of the time if a arguement or something arises it always goes back to the affair and I'm not the one that brings it up. She always says that she doesn't deserve me, she doesn't deserve someone that has been so good to her and never turned on her, even when she has wronged the marriage and dumped her anger on me that I stood there and took it and was able to heal, but the quick fix seems only good for a little bit, but without more help and I agree she is gonna be the one to get her some help to help her self but also I beleive I need and want to be apart of the healing process.

But from talking to her parents in the past before my wife and I was married it has always been to run away from things, not to stand and fight for what she knows is right.

And this is one thing that was said to me by my wife the other day is a few months ago her dad just inquired how we were doing. Evidently, it wasn't the answer her father was expected to hear but he told her that she is allowing things from the past tare a what can be a awesome marriage apart. To fix it, get some help don't throw it away. He also told her that don't make the mistakes that will cause you grief that you will regret the rest of your life. That you have a wonderful person as a husband here, and he asked the question do you love him, she said yes. Well, then take that and run with it forget everything else concentrate on your marriage and you can make in unbreakable, he told her that even when we was dating that we've got something good here in your marriage, this is the happiest he had seen his daughter in her life, like she can actually breath. But all that changed with the stopping of the meds slowly over time.

I want to talk to her but also I want to respect her space, I don't know how long to wait or should I wait for her to come to me about it, because she seems so fragile that I'm afraid that she's waiting on me to do something.

I just don't want to give up on something that really has a unknown to as of why this happened, why the affair happened, why is this still happening without any real answer.

I love her unconditionally, she is my wife still, I took those vows when we got married in the sight of god and I respect and honor that. That is one the reasons I stay and that I still love her. And with her being gone, it makes me feel like I'm the cause of this, and if I am then I don't know when or where I messed it up, only thing I have tried to do is be there, be supportive and show my love and compassion towards her.

I think I will talk to her parents about the situation let them know that I still love her and care, that this isn't my solution, but respect her space but hope that she's faithful through this time. That I'm waiting for her to open her eye's and see the light that we can have so much more and be more happier than we are now, if she would give our marriage the chance besides turning away from it.


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