# Dating while separated - feeling guilty



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I've been posting mainly on the CWI section of the site.

Short story - married almost 25 years - separated Sept 2012. My stbxw had an EA starting in 2008 - which evolved into a 4 month PA in summer 2009. I discovered the relationship in 2010 after it had ended - but my wife allowed me to believe it was "just" an EA. We were in false R until we separated (just weeks after a wonderful family vacation). It was supposed to be a trial separation but my wife would absolutely not agree to a "no dating" understanding. My wife confessed to the 2009 PA AFTER we had separated. She is not in a relationship at the moment, but is infatuated with another man who has been leading her on (he is separated but may be getting back with his wife - he is 15 years younger than my stbxw). In addition, I suspect that her toxic friends are continuing to introduce younger (12 - 15 years younger) men to her at clubs (my stbxw was like a project for them - she was the only one of her group still married). It doesn't matter though - I am at a stage where I cannot be attracted to my stbxw in her current form.

Here is the problem: As a part of my New Year's resolutions (to start dating in 2013), I joined a on-line dating service just before Christmas. I have been corresponding with one person in particular who shares many interests and we are at a stage where we want to meet. There is a definite physical attraction based upon pictures (which I hope are accurate!). I have been stalling. Why? Part of me actually feels guilty - as if I am cheating. Why is that and how do I get over it? Clearly my old marriage is dead, yet I cannot let go of the feeling of being married. It makes no sense. Also have to admit that after 27 years of being monogamous - the prospect of "dating" is a very strange feeling. 

Last time I dated - it was with my stbxw and she was 22 and I was 27... Anyway, my mind is getting way ahead of reality. It's just a date - maybe even just coffee - how do you move from a long-term relationship mindset, into a dating mindset?? Also - I share custody of our two daughters (age 14 and 12) - Do I just date on the weeks that they're at my stbxw's? Or do I just be honest and tell them that "Dad is dating"? 

Thanks in advance for any advice.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

what about just meeting as friends and see if the chemistry is there. You are putting so much pressure on yourself. To me you marriage was over the minute she had and affair...


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Why not finish the D and then date. I am separated from my WAW and have no interest in dating now or for a long time if ever. I am trying so hard to give up hope so that I can move on- but it is very difficult. Good luck.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

D takes 12 months in Canada. I'm 53. A part of me feels like I wasted almost 3 years in false R so I want to get on with things. But the other part can't shake the memories of my marriage (at least 20 - 21 great years and 4 - 5 terrible years). I have to admit that I still have feelings for my stbxw - but more with her memory than her current form. 

TNman - I know your feeling exactly - I see dating as a way to move on - to see if my feelings for my stbxw are real or just my memories. I'm in IC and my counsellor thinks I need to find out what "normal" is - or what the new normal is. But like you, not sure if I'm ready - even though I think it is good advice to get out there.

One of my friends is recommending that I "practice" with some dates with people I am not hugely matched with - to get back in the habit of dating. This person I am currently corresponding with is funny, attractive, athletic - has very similar interests - so afraid I might turn her off with ex-marriage talk right off the bat when we meet. I am just so far removed from dating that I have forgotten how. Maybe it's like swimming - should just throw myself off the deep end and sink or swim?

Do you tell your kids you're dating when you're separated? Or do you keep it quiet and hidden - like an affair? My kids are 12 and 14 and love both my stbxw and me.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Do you tell your kids you're dating when you're separated?


Your kids are just the same age as my two... They're not stupid, they're not blind, and they're old enough that they'll figure out what's going on soon enough, if you don't tell them.



Pb.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You know, when I split with my ex, I was in no hurry to get back into the dating scene. You need time to get over what happened - anything you get into right now would be a rebound relationship. I get that you're 53, but why put this much pressure on yourself? IMO online dating sites should be a last resort, not a first line tactic. Get out, do stuff you like to do, with and without your kids, and see what transpires.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I know how you feel Cedarman. I am in that process as well. I was fool enough to put up with a six year false reconcilliation before WW walked out on me and our three sons. Continued EA's and at least two PA's during those wasted six years.
Im not going to waste any more. We are all better off she is gone. 

I started out very slowly. I was always up front with my situation as not to lead anybody on. A lunch time coffee is a great low risk way to start. be honest, up front, and very choosey. At our age, be wary of the kind of baggage you want to take on. Work on yourself, and your children primarily. There are quality people still out there, but, they are getting more difficult to find. I wont go into details on a public forum. You can PM me if you wish for more information.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Cedarman, I hate to say but my wife asked for separation and asked me to leave , I left and not much later told me there was someone else.And then I find out he moved right in. I have 3 little children and was devastated( read my threads) so figuring I was replaced, I met someone and started dating her very shortly after. The problem was that my wifes boyfriend was a convicted felon scumbag druggie who was watching my children. Had him arrested , wife tried to commit suicide, I got custody of kids and house but now i still had the girlfriend what now!!! So we are still dating and its going well so who cares life is short, it did confuse hell out of my poor children but it's kept very subtle around them and she very good to them, and she certainly did not move in, has her own house and kids and does good for herself.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I've been posting mainly on the CWI section of the site.
> 
> Short story - married almost 25 years - separated Sept 2012. My stbxw had an EA starting in 2008 - which evolved into a 4 month PA in summer 2009. I discovered the relationship in 2010 after it had ended - but my wife allowed me to believe it was "just" an EA. We were in false R until we separated (just weeks after a wonderful family vacation). It was supposed to be a trial separation but my wife would absolutely not agree to a "no dating" understanding. My wife confessed to the 2009 PA AFTER we had separated. She is not in a relationship at the moment, but is infatuated with another man who has been leading her on (he is separated but may be getting back with his wife - he is 15 years younger than my stbxw). In addition, I suspect that her toxic friends are continuing to introduce younger (12 - 15 years younger) men to her at clubs (my stbxw was like a project for them - she was the only one of her group still married). It doesn't matter though - I am at a stage where I cannot be attracted to my stbxw in her current form.
> 
> ...


 i think it's wrong to involve kids in any way too soon. they have so much to deal with and get their head around.

with your dating , l dunno , seems too soon . that's fine you don't have to rush out there. but then maybe she is special , maybe you would really like to meet her . if so maybe just go along and take it easy . just talk, let it go it's own way or , just go home if you find your not coping.

good luck.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Date if you want. Make sure you're open with the other party however, let her/him know exactly the current status of your relationship.

In my opinion, if you're separated with a plan to divorce, it's certainly not cheating.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Cedarman,

If there is no chance of R and D is absolutely under way then go for it.

For me it was too soon, R was still possible and the relationship was too soon and ultimately I had to end it...BUT.

That 3 months, the time that I spent with the mystery lady and the stuff we exchanged was awesome, you are on the brink of that too.

Don't be worried about not having dated for ages, you will feel like you are 20 all over again.
Don't be worried about the conversation, you have already established that you have stuff in common and are mutually attracted.
Be honest, completely honest, it will serve you well.


Good luck
J


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Ask yourself:

Is this actually guilt.
Is it fear of dating.
Is it fear of rejection.

I would bet that you are feeling much more of the latter two than the first.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I am at a stage where I cannot be attracted to my stbxw in her current form.


This speaks to me of deep ambivalence.

I'm thinking it's more FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN than actual love for your cheating spouse.

You may have another 30 years left; why waste them on your spouse. The sooner you acknowledge the damage she did to your family, the sooner you can accept that you are much better off without her.

Woulda/coulda/shoulda is NOT going to do you any good! Look at WHAT *IS*. Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Why do you have to "date"? Why can't you just "meet new friends" some of which will be women (some won't), do things with new friends, develop new hobbies/interests, renew interest in old hobbies. When the right person comes along, you'll KNOW it. You can worry about dating THEN.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Honestly, my hesitation is a combination of guilt (why I should feel guilty is beyond me, but I do), fear of the unknown (dating after 27 years qualifies as "unknown") - basically all of the above. 

I think I will just take is slowly and see what happens.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

It's not a date. Simple. It is merely getting together with someone you have never met in person before. You will have to see if you even like the person or not. Getting the cart before the horse is fantasy. And we don't want to have that conversation. 

At this point, I think you are making this one person into a LOT more than what she really is. It's a meet and greet. Period. She owes you nothing, you owe her nothing. A simple night out to forget what sh!t you have been living. Expect it to go nowhere. Enjoy her for what she really is. Relax. 

And I can't think of any reason to tell your kids anything. And don't talk about your STBXW or current issues with her. As far as your are concerned STBXW who? It's a clean slate. Don't smear mud onto it at the very beginning...

Oh, and if your wife asks, of course you are dating.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Whatever your wife has done or not for however long she has done it
you are feeling guilty because 
it just isn't right for you to date until you divorce and it is final

Then, you can make up for all that lost time and date like crazy.

Meanwhile, just heal from the nightmare. Heal without a woman as you figure out how to be solo for a bit.

It is not that bad. You can do it.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

chattycathy said:


> Whatever your wife has done or not for however long she has done it
> you are feeling guilty because
> it just isn't right for you to date until you divorce and it is final


Opinions and morals differ here. Doesn't make them right or wrong. 

When I got married, it was merely a legal stamp on a commitment already made. 

When that commitment was broken, the legal stamp became no more significant than it was in the beginning. A piece of paper with some ink on it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

chattycathy said:


> Whatever your wife has done or not for however long she has done it
> you are feeling guilty because
> it just isn't right for you to date until you divorce and it is final
> 
> ...


You're right as to why I feel guilty. However, clearly my stbxw broke our "contract" years ago with her affair. And she insisted on being able to date during separation. So it works both ways. I think it's just something to do with a clear conscience - and just take it slowly.

I am looking at this as a way to see what "normal" is. I thought my life was normal - until it wasn't. So just exploring what the new normal is. Trying not to live in the past and trying not to jump too quickly into the future.

Thanks again for everyone's input.


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