# need a man's point of view



## jwelsh (Sep 7, 2011)

I am new to this discussion board and I am so glad it exits.
I need help. I actually feel sick to my stomach and in the first time in 23 yrs of marriage feel numb and well I don't know what I feel. 
I lost my Dad 1 yr ago and while i am doing ok - it still hurts. I miss him terribly.He dies of congestive heart failure and had a sudden cardiac arrest at the age of 66 last Aug. While my father was in ICU and on life support my husband did not comfort me - he was present but was like "just a part of the group". In the hospital I would sometimes leave the room and cry uncontrollably - and he would not follow me to offer me any comforting.
During the funeral - he was the same. He took over (being the only man left in my family - and took care of things "in a pure business like manner. While I do appreciate that - he was not there for me emotionally. He did not sit or stand any where near me at the visitation of funeral - I felt so alone.
I have 3 children - two boys 19 and 21 and a daughter who is 16. My children have all expressed to "me" how they feel about their father and it breaks my heart. They see him as cold and business like. He does not spend time with his kids. He only talks to them really when its about finances. His reasoning - he doesn't believe in small talk What!
He has always controlled the finances and we always seem to be in a financial bind but shouldn't be. He gets angry when I ask how come we haven't any money - and says that I should do the finances. ( I have just recently taken over this task) I was always somewhat unwilling because I always had enough on my plate.
This summer he has been so emotionally distant. He has begun walking which is good - but he goes for 2 hours every evening after work. Then comes home and plants himself in front of the tv - not speaking - unless you count yes, no and I don't know as responses when I try to engage him?
Just recently I spent a couple of hundred on back to work clothes and my hair. I rarely spend money - especially on myself. Our account showed that we could afford this. He told me that no bills were expected at that time - and then when I came home - he freaked at me. I felt like a 5 yr old. 
I work full time BTW - when I say I was going back to work I mean after the summer holidays ( I teach 
)
My daughter just wrote the following in her journal. She is 16.These are her feelings about her father, it breaks my heart 

o I hear your car door close and I wish you'd not come home today.. Tension is building inside .. It's like walking on egg shell , trying to figure out what mood your in today.. Will you say hi , do I exists in your eyes ??... I barely no my own father.! Your never home anymore always at work and when you are home your talking about work or out wasting all your time..did you know you have a family? Sons that one can care less cause all you do to him try to fight him and scream at him when u lose your temper .. He dosent want anything to do with you . Now seeing you not try to save your chance with your family I don't even think you care. Work is more important to you. You could care less. I don't even want to talk to you , your breaking my moms heart , I can't even look at you without getting mad! I want mom to leave you so I can not be so frustrated a stressed in my life . I don't want to end up anything like you........ You treat mom like ****. Why didn't you just walk out when you had a chance . Your 2 boys are in collage and university , now it's just me and I don't feel protected by anyone now. My brothers would do anything for me . Would you? I couldn't rely on you. Your not a father to me , your just some guy living at our house .. I gave up on you a long time ago.

I am worried about that. How do I deal with this? My daughter is so sensitive and caring. We are very close - as I am to all of my children.

I wonder what is going on with him. He says nothing. The "business like persona" is typical but the distant behaviour is new.

Recently we had an emergency with our son who ended up in teh ER at the hospital - hubby did not even come to the hospital - it was late "he had to work the next day" I was worried sick about my son and no one was with me for support at the hospital. Not to mention how my son felt when his father wasn;t there. Am I wrong to expect support?

Everyone needs a soft place to fall at times - and i don't have one. I take care of everyone else and no one is there for me. Except my kids. BUt they shouldn't have to be there in place of their father.

What to do? What are your thoughts? Suggestions?
Help! I am so tired.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

That was me. You described me during the peak of my depression. Work. Home. Tune out. Kids saying dad dad dad. Tune out some more. Wife talking. Tune out. 

I too did not console my wife when her father passed away. That event was something I had to compartmentalize in my head because I had so much confusion up there.....so much noise....I couldn't deal with it. As such...it ended up hurting those close to me. Looking back, it was never my intention to be like that. But compartmentalizing things was my coping mechanism.

I had to go on low dose SSRI meds to stop the noise. Make it coherent enough for me to get a game plan on how to deal with stress and kids and life in general.....enough to realize that some things just aren't worth the stress...because all stress in my life had the same priority to me. I had to deal and solve each and every stressful event exactly the same...and I HAD to solve it to move on...or else I fixated on it. This is pretty much all that was going on I'm my head...all day long. Always telling myself that once I fixed all these issues I could finally get on with my life.

Very destructive behavior.

Did you show your husband what your daughter wrote? It may just be enough to zap him into reality. Because, with depression, he will never admit to having a problem if you just tell him. He needs to come to that realization on his own. He will need to self realize in order to WANT to change things for the better ( with me, it was my wifes affair. Things got that bad, yes. But that was exactly what I needed to realize I was messed up and needed to fix myself.)

Of course, if you threaten divorce then that might work too, but there are no guarantees.

I can understand your tired. Lonely. Your husband is just a shell. he's stuck in his mind right now. Dealing with whatever is going on up there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Oh. By the way. Once I realized I needed to change, doin it was easy for me. Now...it's like nothing bothers me anymore. I feel like the most happy person on the planet. I don't stress. I engage my kids. We laugh. We play. Of course we fight. But ten minutes later we are laughing again. Life is so much better now. 

Hopefully this happens to your husband too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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