# Seeking advice from people who stayed in a dead marriage for a long time before D



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I have a long thread in going through D&sep that I started YEARS ago, the first time STBXH and I separated. To quickly sum up, we were in trouble for a long time, but I was very confused as to why, STBXH said he thought things were great, we went through several rounds of separation and counseling, and finally STBX says actually, he doesn't love me, hasn't for years, but has been unable to say so due to feelings of guilt.

I had processed a lot of feelings of anger, depression, and guilt by the time he said this, and this summer we decided that the next separation is essentially a divorce (not legally, money issues that we'd rather spend a few years untangling to minimize taxes). Plusses are that we've continued couples therapy to establish a co-parenting relationship and plan to make things as gentle as possible for the girls. Final separation is waiting another 3 weeks because STBX has been able to get the house next door for a winter rental. Excellent.

Which leads to my question. I was doing really well, but we're telling people now (kids in a few days), and I'm a wreck. I guess this is normal? Can anyone else who took things really, really slowly let me know what that first year after D was like?


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## sharkboy (Sep 29, 2015)

I stayed in for strategic purposes only, so it was a little different. However, the first year after I got rid of that lunatic was AWESOME. Sure wouldn't want her living next door though, bad enough as it is.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I think it really depends on the relationship between the two of you - how well you get along. Also how the kids are handling it and how the two of you are dealing with that. Some of your anxiety may be from the natural reticence to publicly face separation and divorce with friends and family and the general populace though sounds as if no one may be surprised with the years the two of you have been on-again/off-again. 

You'll hear from those who couldn't wait to be out of the relationship and couldn't stand to be around the ex but it doesn't have to be that way. Really depends on the two of your and your comfort level with one another.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I hope we can be friendly and do holidays and birthdays together. I guess it is the anxiety. We always hid the separations from friends and family and just said STBX was visiting his parents in his home country. Which is where he went when we separated, so it wasn't an outright lie, just a partial truth. Those months were so lovely and peaceful. So this is the first time we're telling people, and the first time we'll have to tell the kids.

I guess I know that how the kids do is going to dictate the next year. If they're miserable all the time, it'll be really hard. If they can be ok more than they're sad, it'll be much easier.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

The period of uncertainty for your kids is the worst bit. Have you ever left your kids at daycare or with a babysitter? You know how they cry for 2 minutes and then as soon as you're out the door, you peek through the window and they're fine? My big worry was how my son would deal with leaving me to go to my ex on his custody days. 7 months on, he seems fine other than some initial trouble sleeping. Kids are remarkably resilient. As long as you remain focused on them and their needs and try not to get dragged into the pettiness, all will be well. Good luck!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Thank you, that's very reassuring!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Divorce create a lot of bizarre circumstances; I was saying this to a friend today as she was saying how odd it must seem to others that her ex-husband still involved in her life in certain areas. It doesn't help when friends and family make their statements: "I can't be believe that! You need to....[or] He needs to...." It's just not helpful, those judgments, because divorce is rarely a clean-cut process...especially when there are many extenuating circumstances that require a lot of cooperation or time. 

It's hard enough dealing with these bizarre situations and arrangements, but we get all frenzied over what others will think, don't we?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We took things slowly. The marriage had been dead for years, but we had to acknowledge that, and work out how to split up. Plus, she had an illness that needed to be controlled, and I wasn't going to leave her while her treatment was being adjusted - I had my son to think about, not just her. The transition really wasn't upsetting for us, just a little strange after so many years together.

Anyway, we did stay friendly for a while, and did get together for some holidays and birthdays, but we began pursuing our own lives more and more. My first year after leaving was perhaps the best year of my life! I did some things I'd always wanted to do, such as a trip to Asia. I started dating within weeks of moving out. I met many awesome women and had an exciting time - and after about 7 months, met the wonderful woman who is now my wife.


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