# My husband might have emotional affairs with ex-gf



## [email protected] (May 24, 2019)

Hello,

I am looking for advices to get a big picture of the situation.
Married for 15 years, we are a bi-cultural couple living in his country.
We both have heavy baggages from the past that we talked about. 
We loved each other deeply, but our relation has always been a roller coaster, with mostly lows.

Five years ago, tensions and resentments were too much and I pushed to have my own space in our apartment, and moved into my own room. 
For two years we lived under the same roof, but as roommates. We both have been dealing with bouts of depression that impacted our relationship. I needed distance to focus on myself. 

Here is where his ex girlfriend enters the story. After two years of emotional separation, no sex or real intimacy, I learned from him that his ex-gf will be in town soon and will go for a walk together. I suddenly realized that I was very much still in love with him and that my marriage was in immediate danger, even tho we were still separated emotionally, we had several check-ins talks during this period which lead me to think that he was not seeing anyone, or her particularly and that he was giving himself time to figure out what to do about our marriage,I was saying the same thing, there were a status quo.

My jealousy awaken me, for the past two years i had been dealing with personal issues that interfered in many aspects of my life, as well my marriage and I graw from it, learned a lot about myself.

I do believe they are having an emotional affair for years, very sporadic, sometimes not contacting each other for months, may be years???
They dated for 3 years in their early twenties ( 22 years ago) , had a passionate affair, i don't know much more. 
I know that he recontacted her 8 years ago, then no informations until three years ago when we got back together, my jealousy triggered, I seduced him again when i heard from him they were in contact, at that time she was not living in our city, she does now. 
From informations that i found (a letter from her dated from three years ago ) she said to be frustrated as she thought he was gonna abandon his unhappy marriage for her), the letter doesn't give enough details to find out if they were actively involved, wether emotionally only or also physically? if it was only a fantasy from her mind ? They are still in contact , i don't know much of which extent...at least through texts.

fast forward to present time, our couple has been through more than a year, a sexual revival, that has help us to reconnect on an intimate level that we had lost for year. At the same time, I was also dealing with many others things in my life, sick parents, distressed sibling, personal issues, dealing with work and going back to school, parenting, and personal health issues, just to say i had a lot on my mind. 

My husband often complained that I had no time for him, that he felt push away, unable to express his feelings without me misunderstanding them...so I made a real effort at understanding him, and realize I had a huge part to it. He is a sensitive man, passionate, who needs deep connection with his soul mate. My behavior toward him all those years, focused on myself, depressed, not paying attention to his needs, laid us to our separation five years ago. We have both been working deeply for years on our relationship, on our own. We have an extraordinary sexual attraction, but i am still very much anxious, overly aware that I need to be careful not to let my guard down, to be here for my man, because this other woman seems to be ready at anytime to have him back.

I have seen a few texts exchanges they had over the last year, nothing to prove they have a real affair, but a lot of ambiguity. The ex-gf stated a month ago in a text that she was confused about wether they were gonna have sex or be together again..... is she talking about their relation 22 years ago or a closest one, like 5 years ago or even still on going ? is she fantasizing in her head ? 
My husband texted her four months a picture of a naked woman, not too explicit, but asking if she has a twin ? so flirty...

I found out three days ago about those new infos, that they were still in contact and that she is still in love with him. She also now is back living in our city.
I don't want to spy on him, i did it one time and i feel bad, but i am the type of person who needs to know whats going on, so i can analyse and rationalise it, thats what i am trying to do now. Internally, i am very jealous and obsessed with her, it is consuming me. I will not confront my husband, but i need to know the extend of their relation, so i can decide how to act. 

I love him very much, and I am willing to keep working on me and our relation, to be there for him, emotionally. In another text from months ago he told her that the she was the person he had the best conversation with... Something tells me he can talk to her in a way he can`t with me, I am trying to understand my part into it. I now worry that every time my husband will feel a bit left out, for whatever reason he will continue to reach out to her, it hurts as i don't think i can be available the way he needs all the time.

A male friend shared his perspective when i told him about it, and think that my husband, feeling left out for so long, keep contacted her to reassured himself when our relation is shaky, it doesn't mean he loves her or want to have a sexual affair. She is his crutch when his soul and emotional needs unmet for too long. I have to be here emotionally for him, be connected intimately to help him getting the ex-gf out of his live. what do you think ?
Lately, we have had a revival , sexually and intellectually, and very much in love, but I can't shake off this other woman from my mind. Even if they had an affair, I am ok with it as long as I know what's going on?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I am sorry you are going through this...

Let me understand, you were having a bad time, and you separated from your husband for 2 years... And you now want to fix it because he has an old GF come sniffing around. 

Does that about sum it up????


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> I do believe they are having an emotional affair for years, very sporadic, sometimes not contacting each other for months, may be years???


An emotional affair is not sporadic with no contact for months or years at a time. That just sounds more like he is maintaining basic contact to keep his options open to restart a relationship if he ever decided to do so.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couple's counselling is what I would suggest.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Nothing like a little competition anxiety to stir up things.

Of coarse if she had not come around you would still be totally disinterested in him ...... and he knows that.


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## Jenniferallen (May 10, 2019)

It seems as if you answered your own question. The emotional affair awakened feelings of jealousy. That is not a synonym for love.

Maybe you do truly love your husband, maybe not. It’s not possible to say from the info we have. You keep circling back to the jealousy.

I must agree with the PP about couples’ counseling as your best chance at salvaging your marriage. Have you talked to your husband about this option?

It does sound as if you two need some help with communication. For this emotional affair to have been going on this long with so little clarity on either end is definitely not healthy.

In general, emotional affairs can do quite a lot of damage. Often even more than physical affairs.

Talk to each other.


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## [email protected] (May 24, 2019)

@BluesPower basically yes, i have had personal issues for many years, addiction and depression which impeached me to see what was happening to my marriage, after working on me for several years now, i am in a much better place and can see why my husband felt abandoned. 
learning about his ex-gf years ago shook me up and woke me up, I was not here emotionally for years, so i cant blame him to still stay with me but to look for connection outside, especially after many years. 
3 years have past since i first found out about her, we talked about it at that time, and my husband told me that she was a co-dependent person, and was making up fantasies in her mind about them, but that was it. So i let it go and forgot about her until last weekend, when my husband left his phone and my instinct drove me to look his messages, and realized they were still in contact. She loves him thats for sure, but i have no idea what he feels about it, there is a lot of ambiguity.
I think i better not dwell on it and focuses on my marriage. My jealousy for her is a motor to lift me up out of my darkness and to fight for my man. I need to know tho but i don't want to confront him.


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## [email protected] (May 24, 2019)

@Mr.Married Thats very interesting whats you are saying, i have not thought about it. but he never talked about her with me, unless i bring the subject, which has not happen in a very long time. 
I will fight hell for my man, i am just so worry that I will not have enough strength to always be on top of what he needs, this connection intimacy, right now, we have it in our relation, but only a week ago, we had a bad argument, there is a lot of ups and downs, in the extreme.
When we are connected, we are extremely passionate, but when we have an argument, it is borderline separation. I know he loves me more than anything, but i am well aware that he is at the end of his rope for several years now, and even tho we are doing great lately, i know that he has been thinking about separating several times the last three years.


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## [email protected] (May 24, 2019)

@badsanta well thats what i have been thinking to, got to be vigilant and not take things for granted anymore. thanks for your feedback.


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## [email protected] (May 24, 2019)

@Jenniferallen thanks for your feedbacks, i am learning a lot from yours and others. Yes I love my husband and jealousy woke me up, but you point out something i have to introspect on, why i have to wait to be jealous to actually realize how much i love him, i have no answer to that...yet.


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