# Coping difficulties



## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

I know this is something everyone here must share in one respect or another. I'm at a point where I still can't cope with so many things right now. 

-I'll wake up at night and feel disoriented about what house I'm even in, sometimes taking several moments before I can pin it down. I've lived here for 3 years. Never had problems with that before. Sometimes I'll start to think I'm in the house where I was several years ago, where i was living when I divorced my ex. I'll know that's not right, but it takes a bit before I can wrap my head around reality.

-I can't bring myself to smile. With my marriage falling apart, everything else seems so petty. I've been caught off-guard a couple of times with something amusing and started to grin, then felt guilty and ot-of-linefor doing so and stop. 

-I knew I needed to make an effort to get out, so this morning I went to an informal class that a guy from a local online forum gave at his house about something I'm interested in learning. There were about 10 people there and I've met a few of them before. The material was interesting, the people were friendly, but after while I just couldn't stand being around other people. I had to force myself to not walk out early, and as soon as it was wrapping up I was the first one out and to my car. It's a little hard to describe, but it was just terribly uncomfortable being around other people and trying to act normal. Even the one guy there who has a clue what I'm going through, I couldn't stay and chat at all, even when he called on my cell on the way home and invited me to stop somewhere on the way home. I couldn't wait to get home to my "cave". 

-It's been 3 weeks since my wife left and I honestly haven't been able to get her out of my mind for even a moment. When I used to pick her up at the end of a 12 hour shift I would often tell her, sincerely, that I had missed her. She'd usually apologize, and I'd tell her that was unnecessary, it was actually nice to have someone I cared for so deeply that I had reason to miss, but that I knew we'd be together again. She always seemed to understand what I meant. Now, well.....

-I've forced myself to go for walks for 2 or 3 miles most days since she left. Often those walks wind up leading me past where she's been living or where she's moving, even if I know she isn't there at the time. I know I should be doing more to exercise, but I can't bring myself to follow through. 

-I have a massive amount of work to do to get this house cleared out. My lease officially starts at my new place on 6/1, but I can start moving stuff, at least into the basement, anytime I want. Packing is an ordeal, filling my thoughts with the reasons why this is all necessary. I still can't fathom that we reached this point. 

I know there's more that will come to mind. My thought process still isn't exactly the clearest. One of the things I'm dreading the most is this upcoming summer. My 16 y/o son will spend most of the summer with his mother about an hour from here. I have a 23 y/o son who is in the Army Reserves and stays with me, but he's looking for other arrangements and even if he stays he'll be gone most of July on his extended summer Army drill. The thought of being alone in that little house is almost unbearable. 

Loneliness is overwhelming and it seems logical to seek out opportunities to be around other people. That's one reason I made sure to not skip out on the activity this morning. It turned out to be very uncomfortable and at the same time very, very draining. Sort of a catch-22, huh.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im so sorry smitten. it sounds like you are really depressed. you're doing what you can and it sounds like you are making an effort. that's all you can really do at this point. its just going to take some time for you to heal.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

Tonight I figured a little escapism might help. That turned out to be a mistake. I can't afford it, but I told my son I'd take him to a movie. I wanted to pick something at the discount theater and most of the shows were comedies....not what I was ready for under the circumstances. I picked "Defiance". Bad choice. It's a depressing movie, and the theme just reinforced to me the importance of family. 

I'm going to try going to church tomorrow, but I also dread talking to anyone there. Someone's sure to politely ask how I'm doing or about my wife (who often works on Sunday), and I'm supposed to just pretend everything is normal. I always bragged about my wife to folks, how lucky I was to have her, etc. I have no idea how to now tell people that now she walked out on me, especially when I'm holding out hope that this will still work out.


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

Smitten, I understand how you feel. I myself am going through the same feelings. My husband and I have been separated for five months. I dont have any kids, wasn't able to and I go home to an empty place...I can't even call it a home, I moved about three months ago and my place is still empty, I still have boxes that need to clear. My refrigerator is always empty and I have not cooked since the day that my husband walked out on me... I have two friends who are going through similar situations and when I feel lonely I call them, spend time with them and all we do is talk about our husbands.... I wake up scared at night wondering where my life will lead to I thought I had everything planned out but I realize that one day you can have it all and the next its all gone.. I am sorry that you have to go through what you are going through and I can't even tell you that things will get better because for me it does not seem to getting better...I also go to the same places that we used to go to, and to the city that he might be living at just to feel close to him....I even do things that I did with him, just to feel close to him...Its depressing I know but it eases me a little bit....I understand that you still have hope......as ridiculous as it seems I still have hope too...All I can tell you is live day by day...


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Smitten.....I am so go thru the same feelings as you. We are in the same place. I can't focus on anything. I know it is over and the thought of facing life now alone with my health issues is just making me want to give up. I've even thought of not treating my cancer but that goes against everything I usually am when it comes to fighting health issues. I am usually strong and focused, determined to get better. Now I don't see a reason to get better. Life will be a major struggle for me without my husband or any family to lean on. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I've never been so depressed in my life and I take antidepressants so that won't help. I like you can't deal with anything and I do so hope we get ourselves on level ground again.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

She came over today and I helped haul a couple more loads to her new place. She was much "cooler" today and we didn't have any time alone because she brought along her friend that she's staying with until she gets into her new place. I get the impression she doesn't want to be alone with me. I tried giving her a hug a couple of times today and she just kind of leaned one shoulder into me and put an arm behind me...not exactly a warm expression. 

Then later this evening I noticed her wedding band on the shelf over the bathroom sink. It's possible she left it there accidently, but who knows. I don't even know whether to ask her or not. Since she's going back and forth between 3 houses, if it was an accident she might have just forgotten where she left it. 

I have had thoughts cross my mind that this is so incredibly rough I should just toss in the towel and try to move on, but then I see her, even when she's acting cool toward me, and I would give anything to make things work out. I never thought I'd say that I wished we had argued, but obviously she had chips stacking up that weren't being dealt with constructively, so I wish she had found a suitable outlet to communicate before she just turned her heart and her back and walked away.


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## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Smitten it sounds like a very similar sitch. I hoped and and hoped and hoped and was strung along for 6 weeks as she was moving stuff out telling me she loved me and calling me baby. 

She took her ring off the day she moved out, changed her facebook status from married to nothing at the 4 week period. I gave her money and her space and it got me to where I am now. That's reading an email from her stating that she wants a divorce. I've come to find out that she has been seeing an old friend of her's and she still hasn't come clean on that one. 

My adivce is to really find out if there is someone else and to find out if she has already made her mind up. DO NOT HOLD OUT HOPE IF SHE HAS SOMEONE ELSE OR SHE IS STATING SHE IS DONE. The best thing for you is to start moving on. Start the divorce process and start your healing. I know this is not what you want to hear but it's really the truth. you will delay your healing process which translates to delaying the pain that you will feel. It's a very painful process and there's no getting around it. Stay on these forums and vent to work through it. 

I wish you all the best in your sitch and hope that you find some solace here.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

Well, I've been doing a LOT of of thinking over the past few days. Last weekend, somehow, i started to feel like I am at least beginning to turn a corner in my mind. By that I mean I am starting to cope a little better and I'm coming out of my "funk". 

I saw her briefly after work in Friday evening. She twisted her knee about a week ago and after she tried to do a 12 hr shift on her feet at the hospital on Friday, she was in pretty rough shape. I got her a crutch from the basement and gave her a cold pack I keep in the freezer. She had intended to come over during her weekend off to move some more stuff, but she wasn't in good enough shape. I knew she was supposed to work Mon and Tues, so I tried sending her text messages asking how her knee was holding up, just to let her know i was thinking of her. I thought it was a little strange that she didn't even answer those, then I checked our cell account and those messages aren't even showing as sent. Apparently that's because her phone has been off and they haven't gone through. 

Anyway, a few days ago I was reminded of the passage in Ephesians chap 5 where it says to love your wives as Christ loved the church. There were some points in there that really got me thinking about my own responsibility in this situation. After all, I only have control over me, not her, so that's where I have to start, regardless of how this turns out. I decided to write her a letter expressing my feelings about her and about my role and responsibilities that factored into this whole thing. I was careful to not be confrontational, but at the same time worked to maintain a balance so that I'm not totally falling on my sword. I also pointed out that at this stage we both have serious decisions to make and there's no guarantee for either of us where this all is leading. 

I delivered the letter tonight so she'd have a chance to read and process it before our counseling appointment tomorrow. She came to the door on crutches and I found out she hasn't been able to work this week. She had to schedule an appointment with the doctor about her knee, and the only time available this week looks like it will interfer with the counseling appointment, so she said it was OK to try to reschedule that. She offered to read my letter on the spot, but I told her it would be better for her to read it on her own later. She was fairly warm and friendly when I spoke to her tonight, so at least that was positive. 

It hurts to know I'm not able to care for her while she's laid up, but I also started thinking. She's anxious to get out of her friend's house so she doesn't feel like she's imposing for too long and she's only halfway moved into her new place. I can come up with plenty of manpower to help her finish getting moved in, so I'm going to speak to her tomorrow about providing some service to her in that regard. 

I know it sounds like I'm clinging to faint hope, but I've given this a lot of thought and prayer and concluded this is the appropriate path for now. As i stated to her in my letter, I'm determined to come out of this a stronger person regardless of what happens between us, to learn from these lessons, because the price is too high to let the opportunity go to waste. I never thought i'd be grateful for an opportunity to move my wife out of the house, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, and I'm proceeding on the basis that it's possible this is one of those times. 

Fingers crossed on how things go when I have a chance to talk to her once she's read the letter. I'm not expecting miracles, just hoping there's an opportunity for progress.

BTW, there's zero indication she has someone else. I have access to her cell records, including text (numbers, not the content), and there's nothing. There are other indications of that as well, so I'm proceeding on that basis.

BTW, today is the one month anniversary of when she packed her bag and left.


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