# I recently confessed to a one time infidelity



## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

Not to go into to many details but it was more or less planned when my wifes friend came out to visit that we would have some kind of sex. I know now it was not even close to worth it. Why do we think with out little heads and ignore the massive brain upstairs. Well she's angry to say the least but it looks like we are going to try to work it out.

The thing is, I have no feelings for the other woman whatsoever. She was an object. You could almost say she was some cheap *****. To make matters worse it was unprotected. Now I have some faith in the fact that I didn't catch anything mainly because the other woman is also married but I still plan on getting tested. My wife called the other husband 2 times to tell him what happened and also told the other woman what she thinks(nice way of putting it) its in their court now(though the other woman said "she will lie until she dies"). I gotta handle whats on my side. She is so angry at the other woman. She has been able to vent on me but not her because she lives thousands of miles away.

As I am a man I cannot fully understand the way a woman thinks, and almost 9 years or marriage, there are things about my wife I'm not an expert at deciphering. But I can see hurt and I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be 10 times as angry. Part of the reason she is really mad is because we did sexual acts that she doesn't like or won't do with me. Again I literally wasn't thinking, I was running on 100% Pre-civil caveman logic. No excuses for me just wanted to point out that I am not a serial cheater and its not something I ever want to do again. It was mostly you want what you can't have. Well I want what I can't have now and that's my wife.

How can I show her that I really love her, and this was the most boneheaded thing I will ever do. I really don't wont to be without her and our children. I'll do anything.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

She's mad at you, because you finally got some of the sexual things you wanted?

You wanted to be caught and bring this issue into sharp focus with her. You guys need to be in counseling. Your sexual desires will not go away simply because you want them to.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

The biggest red flag for me in your story is that the act was premeditated. You had many opportunities before she even arrived to think with your big head. So, your story doesn't really add up. You need to search within yourself to find your motive (you may need therapy to help with this). If you can pinpoint it, deal with it, and communicate it clearly with your wife, you may have a chance at fixing this.


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

Well we had a counseling session the other day. You know how they are they bring up things that could affect you that you never thought of or at least you never put 2 and 2 together.

I really do know how wrong it was to Premeditate it. That makes it 1000 times worse and that bugs her more than anything I think. 

She said the same thing, why didn't you nip it in the bud when it first started. Well at the time it was just an internet thing and you know how things go from virtual to real. I'm a terrible person for what I did. And the main thing leading into it was porn. You see these acts and you think its normal. Not the professional porn, I was into Amateur(real couple) stuff so I thought, How can all these women do these things and my wife wont even go there. Was I wrong in thinking that way? I would love you guys to belittle me. I deserve it. 

She still loves me and I never stopped loving her. I just lost my damn mind and my soul. I can't be sorry enough. I don't expect trust to come back like the will to breath does when holding your breath. 

Funny thing, our counselor said when I asked: "What do I do when I am horny, how can I shut it off". She said "have sex with your wife". I can't rape her, and if she doesn't want it I end up looking at porn, which is only instant gratification but always leaves an empty feeling. I can't and won't do that anymore. I should have felt myself slipping but I didn't want to see my own faults.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It depends on why she doesn't want sex. If she doesn't want sex because she thinks that twice a month is enough, then you shouldn't accept that. If she doesn't want sex because she just worked a double shift and she's coming down with the flu, or because you had sex three times yesterday, then back off.

Problems in marriages are always two-way streets. Your wife will eventually realize how her actions motivated you to cheat.

Your problem now, is that you dealt with an undersexed wife in he worst way possible. You should increase her attraction to you by getting in better shape, maybe making some more money, and being more assertive. By cheating, you have just decreased your attractiveness to your wife in a big, big way.

As for how you move forward, get ready to be celibate for quite a while. Stop looking at porn. Give your wife complete access to your cell phone, Facebook, and email accounts. Be ready to call her 10 times a day to tell her where you are and where you're going. Be clear that you are placing her first in your life by a mile. Then, you have a chance.


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh believe me, the only access to computers I have now is work. As for getting a better job, thats in 2 weeks.

Now let me tell you some of the history. When we first got together we had sex 3 times a day which was actually to much for me the majority of the time. Since then and since kids it has been ups and downs. From once every 2 weeks to 3 or 4 times a week and everything in between. At some point I kinda checked out and decided to take it on my own shoulders. Ive never had a father figure really and didn't know what was normal. You don't know what to expect in life and oddly enough why the hell I was getting hornier as I got older I have no idea. Kids kinda slow down everyones sex life I know. But to her she always says "To you i'm just a ***** with legs". I did more things for her when we first got together. And its not a thing of me not satisfying her. I love giving her oral but thats about as freaky as it usually gets. I didn't really dwell on "do me I do you" logic so I just did what I enjoyed and she didn't really complain.

There is so much more to the story but I don't think I need to get all into that. 

Point is, we both have let each other drift away, I have messed up so much worse than anything she has done and I except it. I shouldn't have did what I did, it was selfishness and non-consideration. And I WANT MY WIFE BACK. I believe we can meet each other half way.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I wont belittle you because that is not really what you need. What you are feeling is good, you are feeling the hurt your wife feels it called empathy a high order of human emotions. Not every one feels it even when they should. 

Your desire to be punished is probably because you want to take some of the burden of your wife's pain. Does that sound like what is going on? Go to her and take some of her pain by listening to her and being with her even when she expresses anger, rage and berates you. 

You help her to heal by being there for her and letting her know that what ever pain she is feeling you will not withdraw when she expresses it.

As for wanting to do sex stuff that she will not do, you took the easy way out to solve that problem. I think there are ways to have a more experimental sex life if you approach in the right way. It should never be because you want to try things out on your wife as a convenient set of holes to use. That is one of the biggest turn offs to women. If you are asking her to do things that seem to be porn acts for your pleasure, it may be a reason she felt used. Examine how you approached sex and change up so she feels you are having sex with her not to use her to try things out. From your original post, it sounds like that may have been the case. If you think about it, she is not in your life for that purpose.

Make it about the person you are with and satisfying her. I think any advice that hints that you were justified in seeking things outside of the marriage because your wife did not give it to you is wrongheaded. It says more about their misery they would like to one foot out the door when a woman says no. You don't have to join them in their misery. 

However, you can do what few men do to increase the adventurousness of their wives, make your goal mutually satisfaction and work on perfecting your skills. Avoid asking her for acts that gets you an orgasm and leaves her hanging. You may think she should do this because she loves you but, you would not forgo your orgasms to give ones. If you make it about imposing a porn scenario on her, it will not happen. She is not a convenient sex object to try porn stuff on. I think that offers the best chance for success because it makes her a whole human, not a walking vagina. 

When you have recovered your marriage, read some of the post from women who tried things after an initial reluctance. The common theme is satisfaction with a husband who cares and a desire to take it up a notch. Read about your own sexuality and female sexuality, it will help. 

First things first, heal from this painful mistake and then handle the problems that got you where you are today. Good luck.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Listen to Catherine. 
If your sexual desire comes from what you see in porn, you will never be happy sexually. The envelope will always get pushed. Furthermore, to suggest as has been that you were justified in cheating because you didn't get to do to your wife what you saw being done in porn is outrageous. Lot's of things are done in porn that have little to do with a woman's pleasure and it is marketing primarily to men who know this. A woman in porn is a set of holes to be used to satisfy a man and if you use the mentality in your bedroom, you are doomed as she will see it that way. 
I do agree with one part of Athol's post however and that is that you two need counseling. The fact that this was planned out and you had every opportunity to back out yet didn't shows to me that you felt entitled and cared very little about the collateral damage this would do to your family. On top of that you chose a "friend" of your wife so that is a double betrayal add to that not using protection and you hit the trifecta of pain inflicted on your wife. You cheated and betrayed her, pulled the rug out on her friendship and cared nothing for your wifes health and well being. Counseling will help you figure out why this route was acceptable. 
I am not beating you over the head, I hope you get that. Everybody makes mistakes but cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice. You need to figure that part out.


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

Thanks for your advice. No I don't agree with anyone who would say I was justified in my doing and as far as the easy way out...It was easy to do but dealing with my temporary bout of stupidity is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

I have been far from perfect. Before I joined the military she was the breadmaker, I lived with her and most of the time didn't have a job. I cleaned and had dinner ready and did romantic things. When I became head of finance so to speak I let her handle everything else. I wasn't as helpful as I should have been. I shouldn't be suprised she pulled away from me after all her effort it seemed I did not and would not change. One of the things she said to me early in our relationship was, "If you ever want sex and im asleep, wake me up". Let me tell you that only worked once or twice. I learned to live with it, I went to be wanting her so many times and it made me so angry. We tried talking about it, and she had some bad experiences with rape long before I met her. However I would have thought none of that could affect me, the husband. Im not a therapist but like I said they are good at linking things.

Right now though we just need to work on us. I am grateful for your honest and truthful comments regarding me, and hope that I will have good news for you guys some day. I want to make it work, I love her and she still loves me. It will take so much time and effort for her to get over it. The mental image is one of the hardest things to deal with for her, and I have to deal with it too. When I relive it I get disgusted. I guess that means something.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Wanted to further add that getting tested is essential! You said she is married so you think she is safe. Wrong. She is a married woman who thought nothing of her own marital vows and hopped on a plane to come and have sex with you, unprotected. I would bet my next paycheck this isn't her first time and if she had unprotected sex with you, you had unprotected sex with all of her other partners. Testing is essential and if you have since had sex with your wife, she needs a full panel as well. HPV can take months or years to show up and would not show up on your test. I'm sorry that you did what you did and I am even sorrier that you potentially put your wife at risk of cervical cancer. :-(


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

Does it help that Ive had all the HPV vaccines? Thats scare about the years down the road thing.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Bad_Husband_2011 said:


> Does it help that Ive had all the HPV vaccines? Thats scare about the years down the road thing.


Not sure about that. Has she?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Might I ask what lead you to confess? That is a positive for sure.


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

1/3 she was suspicious anyway, 1/3 guilt was killing me, 1/3 regardless of what I read pro or anti confess, I know she would want to know.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Bad_Husband_2011 said:


> 1/3 she was suspicious anyway, 1/3 guilt was killing me, 1/3 regardless of what I read pro or anti confess, I know she would want to know.


How long did it take you to confess?


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

Brennan said:


> How long did it take you to confess?


happened last friday night, told her the day before yesterday.


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok. Last night was crazy. My wife kept teasing me and she got so worked up and got me so worked up we had the craziest sex ever for 2 hours. I almost had a heart attack it felt like. We are so confused.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is any of this real?


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

I wish it wasn't real. I'm at work right now and texted her, now she is mad as hell. I don't know what to do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Bad_Husband_2011 said:


> *We are so confused.*



A'yup.


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## lpycb42 (Feb 19, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Is any of this real?


To be honest, I wouldn't be shocked that she did it as a way to get him back. Like "oh so this is what you wanted? guess what you're not getting it after this, suffer."


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Bad there are a few recent threads posted by men whose affairs have led to increased sexual interest in their wives. Apparently it is not unusual. As to what is going on - try to find the treads by searching this site. Also do some reading about affair recovery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Wow, this is a lot to gather. I can see why did it. Me being a porm guy myself, sometimes you wish to push the boundaries and experiment a little. Just to suggest it to the wifey and she laugh at the notion of anal or fisting. If i read between the lines, it looks like she has an issue with oral as well. So her total dismissal of these things really turned you against her. Then outta the blue there's another woman who share your interests. I've seen it done, and its a shame you let it go this far. But atleast you did the right thing and confess. I don't know if i could do that, atleast not voluntarily. 

Now you have this crazy sex night with her. Did anything include the things that you've been pushing for in the past? Perhaps this is her way of healing... giving in to what you want? Showing you that she is capable of "going there." Its entirely possible.


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

Well in the past 2 nights(not include tonight but its going down tonight as well so 3 if you will) we have had wild sex. Ok the 2nd night wasn't quite as crazy(30 mins instead of 2 hours) but she gets so wet now so fast. Here is whats an odd but pleasent suprise about it all. For the past 5 or more years we always had to use lube for sex. She gets so wet now its not even close to necessary. She even gave me back my wedding ring today. I know she loves me, she has ups and downs, like in the morning she feels guilty like she gave in to me or something. But I don't think you should feel guilty for getting something you want from the one you love as well(i'm not the aggressor as of lately).

As for "her doing the acts i've been wanting", not really, but i'm not obssesing over those things anymore. She has come out of her shell, a freak like I haven't seen in years. I don't know how long this will last, but i'm not complaining and during it all neither is she. And no we have not forgotten what happened, its just, when we can't stop touching or kissing each other, it doesn't matter. She knows all the details, and she is in a way "claiming my **ck" and said this is my last chance, don't f-up again.

Now I don't know what the next few days and weeks hold, but i'll be sure to give you guys updates or something. Still have our next counseling session set up for next week. Maybe the therapist can shed some light on our newfound ability to not stop F-king. 

She even told me she wanted it every night for 30 days in a row. I SWEAR IM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Trust me, from what i've read on this site, there has been weirder situations.


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## Bad_Husband_2011 (Feb 25, 2011)

This is *The Wife* 

First off I think that everyone has to make there choice and I not going to let my best friend that he slept with destroy my family. I have worked to hard to make it this far. I have done things sexually for him that I would not do for anyone, but once you start buliding up wall's from getting hurt so much it is hard to let them down. I have no clue why I want to have sex with him and then the next day I start thinking about what he did to her. I have known her a very long time and never had a clue that she would do that to her husband. This whole thing makes me sick. I have talked to alot of my friends and they all could not believe that he would even think about doing something like this. I guess that you never really know someone or what they are thinking in there head. We as people are all a little f*cked up in a way.

Just a little 2 cents from the hurt wife who knows people are not perfect, but make no mistake, if this sh*t happens again or i even suspect it, i'm gone. Take life's road blocks and nuke'm.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Sexual Healing


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