# Becoming bitter about how much time husband spends out of the house



## Mamabean (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm a stay at home of a 3 year old and 4 month old baby. I don't have a lot of time to myself and my husband works a lot. He works 6 days a week and is gone from 7 am to 7 pm most days. We make the best of the time he has and he's been helping me with the kids when he gets home from work. He says that he is bored with his day to day and it's always the same. He is telling me that he wants to get in shape and wants to join a kickboxing club that is 3 nights a week. I am already jealous that he gets to go out and work while I stay at home raising the kids, don't get me wrong I love it but would love some time to myself as well. I appreciate that he works hard so I can stay home and we don't have to pay for daycare. I understand that he wants to feel better about himself but I would like that option as well. I think I am depressed as well and having a hard time to keep up with my daily duties as a house wife. Most days I am too busy taking care of the kids that I don't have a chance to do the dishes. I don't want to tell him that he can't do something for himself. I recommended we join the YMCA so we can have the kids in the daycare there while we both work out. Do more family activities?? He wants to join the kickboxing and there's no daycare. He says he's not interested in the YMCA. My first impression is that he wants to spend more time away from us. I feel that when you spend more time away from your wife and family it put distance between us. He will eventually grow tired of us and move on seeing how much better it is to do everything on his own. Am I over analyzing?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Is this a temporary situation with work, or is it SOP as long as he stays in this job? Your time together is pretty lean, and while I think him joining a kickboxing gym to get into shape is fine, it will be devastating to your situation. By a treadmill at home and have him get into P90X (if space constrained) as a means to get into shape. Your time is at a premium - especially if this work situation has no end in sight.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Are you over analyzing? Maybe. Why not join the YMCA for yourself? The kids can be in daycare while you do YOU.


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## Mamabean (Jan 28, 2013)

This is a typical schedule for this job, as long as he stays there he will working these long hours.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Some red flags are there and I don't think you are over analyzing. He's bored, is gone 72 hours a week and now wants to be gone more. Not good.

Don't think you can stop him as he's a free man but so are you. Why is he working so much? Is it temporary? How is your sex life and marriage?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mamabean said:


> This is a typical schedule for this job, as long as he stays there he will working these long hours.


How did you manage his work schedule before the kids came along? He seems too busy to be bothered with a wife and kids so I'm curious as to how you managed to get together in the past?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think you should schedule dates together (without kids) twice per week instead of either of you getting an individual hobby. Court and date each other! That's how you stay in love!


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## Mamabean (Jan 28, 2013)

Before we had kids, we did everything together. Our relationship was fairly new when I got pregnant with our daughter almost 4 years ago. Our sex life is pretty regular but we are often too tired. His main complaint with how things are is that it's always the same. He goes to work, comes home, eats supper, we watch a show or 2 and then it's bed time. I try to change it up sometimes and make a trip to get groceries once he's home...and sometimes we play a game on the Wii. He's tried the kickboxing before and really enjoyed it, I just don't think it's practical for him to be gone 3 nights a week on top of his work schedule.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mamabean said:


> Before we had kids, we did everything together. Our relationship was fairly new when I got pregnant with our daughter almost 4 years ago. Our sex life is pretty regular but we are often too tired. His main complaint with how things are is that it's always the same. He goes to work, comes home, eats supper, we watch a show or 2 and then it's bed time. I try to change it up sometimes and make a trip to get groceries once he's home...and sometimes we play a game on the Wii. He's tried the kickboxing before and really enjoyed it, I just don't think it's practical for him to be gone 3 nights a week on top of his work schedule.


It sounds like the 'courting' part of your relationship got cut short or has ended. Now it's all about the kids, work, bills... No more fun. If you had fun before, I would try to bring that part of your relationship back. Solicit help from friends and family to keep the kids and go out together more often. He probably feels like he's on a hamster wheel, and yep, that can be pretty boring. And you didn't say whether the 7 to 7 has ALWAYS been his work schedule? If you made time to do 'everything' together before the kids, why is that so difficult to do now? I have kids, I know they have schedules, and when they're young they require a lot of time and attention, but your marriage is suffering if you don't put effort into keeping the fire burning.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

My husband works a similiar schedule, however only half days on Saturday. I'm also a SAHM (I have a three year old). This is also pretty much our life:



> He goes to work, comes home, eats supper, we watch a show or 2 and then it's bed time.


So, on that you have my empathy, and if you ever want someone to chat with/vent to about it, feel free to PM me. 

I think the thing that is bothersome the most here isn't his hours as that might be simply what he needs to do for you to afford your current lifestyle. However - the fact that he won't consider going the YMCA route so you -both- can work on yourselves and have some time from the kids is kind of questionable.

Why does he have to join a solo workout routine which is not only your only family time, but your only couple time. Are any women from his work also mysteriously joining this kickboxing club? 

If in the end he insists on joining this kickboxing club, please do considering joining a gym where childcare is included - whether that's the YMCA or otherwise and start working on you. You staying home depressed with the kids all day everyday isn't healthy for you or ultimately for them. Starting to workout might even help with the depression. 

I agree about date nights though, and joining a gym or the YMCA might be a way to go about that, if you don't have family members otherwise able to babysit, as they sometimes offer "date nights" for members later at night when they watch the kids.


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## Mamabean (Jan 28, 2013)

Before we had kids he worked a job that was over night...he made the change realizing he needed to be around more during the day. I hate that he works 6 days a week. Plus he gets called out for service calls sometimes after work. I would much rather him focus on spending more time with us and working on our marriage then him focusing on getting away from us for 3 nights a week.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Maybe there's room for compromise:

2 nights a week for him to go kickboxing
2 nights a week for YOU to go work out/do something
2 nights a week to spend TOGETHER doing something (playing Wii, cuddling, whatever) 

It's hard when the kids are little but it's really important to make sure you're spending time together NOT talking about the kids or household stuff and really paying attention to each other.


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## Mamabean (Jan 28, 2013)

The kickboxing course is 3 days a week...every Mon, Wed, Fri. I'd like him to find an alternative and then it would be easier to compromise. He know's people at this kickboxing club, that's why he wants to go there.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So - when you present to him that would seriously cut until your couple time and family time, as almost half of the week he'd be gone, what does he say, exactly?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mamabean said:


> Before we had kids he worked a job that was over night...*he made the change realizing he needed to be around more during the day*. I hate that he works 6 days a week. Plus he gets called out for service calls sometimes after work. I would much rather him focus on spending more time with us and working on our marriage then him focusing on getting away from us for 3 nights a week.


Interesting... he made a job change because he realized he needed to be around more during the day, yet that's not what's happening. He's GONE MORE during the day and 6 days a week it's like this.

Have you brought this to his attention?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Mamabean said:


> Our sex life is pretty regular but we are often too tired.


So, he is too tired for sex, but has plenty of energy for kickboxing? :scratchhead:


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## Mamabean (Jan 28, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> So - when you present to him that would seriously cut until your couple time and family time, as almost half of the week he'd be gone, what does he say, exactly?


He says he needs to do something for himself because he feels like **** about himself and wants to get in shape. He's tried to assure me that it has nothing to do with getting away from us but I can't seem to settle on it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Few households of four survive very well on one income these days. The purchasing power of a dollar has dropped about 20% in the past couple of years and everyone's taxes have gone up. This guy is working about 72 hours a week? That's like one man doing the labor of two. It's necessary now because the baby but it's not forever. If kickboxing helps him keep healthy and sane while he works this schedule, more power to him. Odds are, he'll join, find he's too exhausted to really do much with it, and he'll quit in short order. 
It'd be great if he could shoulder more of the household duties but very honestly, if a man can consistently work 72 hours a week, he's sawed more than his half of the log, in my opinion. There are probably retired folks or maybe church groups or friends would could step up and watch the kids for a few hours while mom gets a little "me" time. She certainly needs it. I wouldn't be laying a guilt trip on this working man, though. I've worked schedules like that for a few years and it's not fun. It's certainly nothing to be jealous of. We have whole neighborhoods of women who bear kids but the fathers won't marry them and the fathers won't work to support mother or children. You have a guy that works like two men. Maybe he aint the ideal romantic partner, but you ought to be thanking the Good Lord for that man every day. It's getting harder to find guys who will work like that.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How many people who have a middle to higher level management job actually work only 40 hours a week? I'm very much for praising a man for shouldering responsibilities and working hard. But - I think trying to gloss over some questions raised here as "picking on a working man" is kind of simplifying the problem. 

Does that mean if a man works, no matter what is happening in a marriage, it shouldn't be addressed?

The problems raised as I see them are:

- He changed jobs specifically to arrange a better schedule, yet now works more than before. Why? 

- Why the sudden desire to get fit? Who are these "people he knows" who go to kickboxing? How many if any of them are women?

- He wants to go to kickboxing three times a week, but is too tired for sex with his wife.

- If it has nothing to do with getting away from you, why is he so dead set on his only physical outlet of personal growth being something you aren't allowed to or invited to attend?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - I've read that a marriage needs at least 15 hours a week of 'together time' for a couple to bond and stay connected, that doesn't include television or computer time obviously, lets face it...nothing kills conversation better than the TV.
So why not ditch the TV in the evenings and give yourselves another 7 hours, at least, a week to spend together. You could spend the time doing DIY or cooking/baking or learning a new hobby together or having sex... the list is endless.

Below is one of my favorite articles... it may make you think about the way you interact with your hubby in the short time you do spend together.

Marnia Robinson: Sure Ways To Stay In Love

The years when you have young children are, IMO, the toughest on a marriage. So many demands on time and energy.

I lived through many years of hubby working long hours while I was home with the babies/children. I remember feeling very lonely and I remember missing him dreadfully. I suggest you make the most of the time you DO have together. Make home somewhere he LOVES to come home too...his soft place to fall.

Regarding his potential new hobby... I personally believe the 3 nights a week at kickboxing is unreasonable at this stage in your young families life, especially when YOU are already voicing concerns at feeling disconnected and unhappy. He has his whole life to learn kickboxing, your babies and marriage will only be at this stage for such a short time. In just a few years time your family dynamics will have changed dramatically, it's all a matter of priorities. I believe his focus should be on you and your children... but that's just my opinion 

In our marriage we're at the other end of the children stage... we're quite often left home alone while the boys all get on with their busy lives and we're loving it! 

Hang in there OP.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Some red flags are there and I don't think you are over analyzing. He's bored, is gone 72 hours a week and now wants to be gone more. Not good.
> 
> Don't think you can stop him as he's a free man but so are you. Why is he working so much? Is it temporary? How is your sex life and marriage?


:iagree: red flags definitely...and doesn't want to compromise with going to the YMCA so that you both can work out together?  really? That's not very nice


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Does that mean if a man works, no matter what is happening in a marriage, it shouldn't be addressed?


Of course the problem needs to be addressed but as the only wage earner you could cut the guy just a little slack.



Starstarfish said:


> - He changed jobs specifically to arrange a better schedule, yet now works more than before. Why?


It would depend on what his schedule was like before. 

My BIL is a lorry driver and before his partner had their daughter he was working long haul away for 5 - 6 days at a time now he does local runs and is home every night. He still works 5 or 6 12 hours days a week as the pay on local runs is lower but it was the right thing for them



Starstarfish said:


> - Why the sudden desire to get fit? Who are these "people he knows" who go to kickboxing? How many if any of them are women?


The OP could always go along to a session just to watch (get someone to "sit" the kids) to reasured herself that he is there "just" to get / keep fit / in shape.



Starstarfish said:


> - He wants to go to kickboxing three times a week, but is too tired for sex with his wife.


Raising his level of physical fitness might mean that he ends up with more energy for sex. (not straight away I agree but in the longer term).



Starstarfish said:


> - If it has nothing to do with getting away from you, why is he so dead set on his only physical outlet of personal growth being something you aren't allowed to or invited to attend?


Where did the OP say that she was not "allowed to or invited to attend"?



Over all I think the OP is right to want to spend what little non working time they have together doing things together so let’s hope that they can find a compromise that works for them.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> :iagree: red flags definitely...and doesn't want to compromise with going to the YMCA so that you both can work out together?  really? That's not very nice



It could be that their levels of fitness / fitness interests are too dissimilar for them to train together if so why not see if there are different classes at the YMCA that they could take at the same time (using the Y's childcare) and then they would at least have the journey time together.

I think it would do the OP good to have some time without the kids as well.

I hope it is just a matter of balance for them.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

When he worked his other schedule, they had more time together. The OP said they did everything TOGETHER.

Now they do the opposite. On average he's home and alert/present 12 hours a week on work days, and on the 7th day I assume he rests. If during the week he wants to take 3 hours to kickbox, then IMO he has to make sure that with the other 9 hours and a day with his family he makes it count. 

In the meantime OP, you do need time to do your thing too. You would like to do it with him, but he's not interested in the Y, so on this you're on your own. Those 3-4 hours a week he's deducting from your family time can be subbed for your mommy time alternatively.

I have questions that may not have been mentioned... how does he treat you in general? When the kids are put to bed, how do the two of you interact? How often during the day do you speak to one another?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

From what I can tell, the real solution is for the husband to find another job where he can make decent money but not work these extreme hours. Maybe the OP needs to find a job and work too. Unfortunately, the kids may have to go to daycare, but if both work the probability that both can spend more time together will increase greatly. These long hours give little margin for error, and if there are additional outside activities that they are doing separately, it makes everything worse.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Depending on the OP's job prospects, that may or may not be feasible. If, for example, I went back to work the job I had before becoming a SAHM and worked the hours I did, it would cost me more money to send my son to daycare than I would make. And I only have one. No doubt it would cost more with two. 

That's not even considering the possibility in this economy that the H might not be able to get another job with the same salary. And that transferring into a lower paying job with less hours might set him back in terms of seniority, benefits, or other considerations.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Finding another job (especially higher mgmt) isn't quite so easy these days.

I think there is room for some compromise. Let him take the kickboxing with the agreement that you get to take some time during the week to do some things for you. Also, you both have to have COUPLE time where you spend time without children. 

It's also an idea that you do some cost analysis to see if it would benefit for you to work (some) to take some of the pressure off his shoulders. If you can (and it makes financial sense) then do that to help out.

It can be done - do you both want to do it?


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