# Desparate time call for......



## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Having been told ILYB in the fall by my wife of 12 years I've been making significant changes to my behavior that has driven us away from each other. Two beautiful kids of 9 and 6 and they've obviously kept us together further than had we not had them (just giving more background). Today, she asked for separation (did include that she's not sure if this is a permanent thing) and I know she needs space as it's awful trying to make things "normal" given the distance created due to a lengthy period of poor communication.

Any suggestions on how to approach separate quarters (whether within the home or separate living arrangements) and a schedule with the kids? We're fortunate to have family that we can keep the kids at home and juggle schedules, but looking for advice on how frequent to "tag out" to put some serious perspective on what life could be without. Fighting the good fight.....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yeah. Do not accept separation. Either she wokrs on the marriage or you divorce her.

Otherwise this is just an open marriage. She probably already has another guy.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Yes how exactly can you work on the marriage if you're not together?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think she needs to see the reality of her puposel, by asking her to find her own place and discussing a divorce lawyer.

I think this tactic shows her that you will not be a plan B....she is either all in or all out. 

Giving the space she is asking for will only add to more emotional torture for you self as she comes and goes as she please and watching her come through the front door at 4:00 AM.

How can not you work on a marriage when you are apart.

Mrs. the-guys says " then you can also start dating?"...in addition she says "seperation is a slow start to ending a marriage"....I agree with her whole heartedly.

As me and the few that already posted, this hall pass that we think she is asking for is nuts. You will be best served to do your own investigation into why your chick wants a seperation before you agree to one.


I see this time and again, both parties agree to not date... only to find out the the one spouse that wanted the seperation has been dating way longer then the loyal spouse knew about.

Investigate your wife agenda and then once you have some real facts you then can discuss the true intention for the seperation. You may find that this seperation has nothing to do with you or your unhealthy marriage, but a third person that is infecting the dynamic of a already fragile marriage.

If this is the case your own tactics of being the worlds best husband won't mean sh1t while there is another man...a new and exciting man that in no way in hell you can compete with!

My big point here is you have to fight for your marriage with the right ammo, so investigate what kind of ammo you need.

So please be careful, your current tactic to save the marriage just might be pushing it further away.


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback....had a lengthy discussion last night and as for reasoning on separation it's because we're stuck and our current path doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. My thoughts are we're stuck because we're not even trying to renew connections. For her, the connections are not there and she doesn't know how to start them again/ let her guard down from year's of running away. 

Says she just doesn't know how to love me anymore, but not convinced that it's over. She said she needs to do this so we don't lose our family, but all this is completely arse backwards in my book. Also, trying not to be cynical when she breaks down weeping over regretting not telling me sooner so that there might have been a better chance here and that she might have to live with that forever. I'm cynical in that if you regret that and we're all here and at least have acknowledged past issues that can be corrected then let's roll up the sleeves, put on the boots and get to work.

I know this doesn't change how she feels and that's the biggest problem that there's nothing in the world I can do to change her heart. The only thing I'm doing is being a better, stronger person who can move on past this knowing that I'm going to come out of this better than where I was when she dropped I love you but.....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need to listen to these people.

Those of us who hang out here see people coming through regularly asking how to deal with a seperation.
When we're finally able to convince them to do a little investigating into the reasons their spouse wants the seperation 80-90% of the time they find their spouse has some level of interest in another.

A seperation is almost always the beginning of the end.

If you want this marriage start checking up on who your wife is talking to and hanging out with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks Tacoma and everyone.....she has been a SAHM since our 9 year old was born and went back to work in October. She's working at a family members business and there does seem to be a less than wholesome vibe with the employees there. I think this circle of influence is playing a part in her desire for space, but really didn't comprehend how much it could be until venting a bit on this topic. Might be more to this than meets the eye so only one way to find out and I know this is a discussion that has to happen prior to separation.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trying to figure this out said:


> She's working at a family members business and there does seem to be a less than wholesome vibe with the employees there.


Wouldn't happen to be a restaurant would it?
Just curious.



> Might be more to this than meets the eye so only one way to find out and I know this is a discussion that has to happen prior to separation.


You're about to make a mistake.

If she is interested/involved with someone else she's unlikely to admit it in a conversation.
In fact she's likely to swear by everything she holds sacred that she isn't fooling around even if she is.

You can't ask about it, just check it out on the down low for a few days.
Check out her e-mail, texts, any communication medium she has, check into it.


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Tacoma....not a restaurant....thanks for the tip on potentially be a mistake....will see where we go.....I think separation is going to have to happen or else she's just going to run. Do I allow her to run and stand here holding ground. She's the one that can't feel and the one with issues why am I the one to suffer and why do we put the kids through the suffering for her rather than she and I try to take this on???


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trying to figure this out said:


> Tacoma....not a restaurant....thanks for the tip on potentially be a mistake....will see where we go.....I think separation is going to have to happen or else she's just going to run. Do I allow her to run and stand here holding ground. She's the one that can't feel and the one with issues why am I the one to suffer and why do we put the kids through the suffering for her rather than she and I try to take this on???


Man, if I could explain this insanity rationally I'd be making millions on late night TV.

Nobody really knows what they're thinking when they do this stuff.

If she runs, you let her go because anything else is just going to push her away.
If she does go there are ways that can help you get her back but waiting around for her to come back isn't one of them.

When is this separation scheduled to begin?

Do you have access to her cell and email?


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Separation starts today with me leaving the house to be back with the kids Wednesday - Saturday for week one. Access to email, but not text. Travel for work a decent amount, but this is the first time leaving for this type of reason. Just sucks all around.....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trying to figure this out said:


> Separation starts today with me leaving the house to be back with the kids Wednesday - Saturday for week one. Access to email, but not text. Travel for work a decent amount, but this is the first time leaving for this type of reason. Just sucks all around.....


If you have access to email start snooping through it.

Why no access to text?
Does she passcode her phone?(Red Flag)
Company Phone?

Do you have access to the her cell phone bills?
Online?

Check the history of her PC if you can and she has one.

Best bet is to get a VAR under her car seat but that's a no go if separation is already at hand.

If you're separated from her you're going to have zero access to her movements.

I'd go as far as hiring a PI if you can afford it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

TTFTO,

LISTEN to these people! You don't find it suspicious that once she was out of the house working that these problems started? She probably found a new love interest at work

Do sone reading in the Infidelity section here. I'd have to guess that over 90% of the stories we see here that sound like yours involve infidelity. While yours may be in that other 10%, do you really want to risk that it isnt?

Start to snoop and see what you're really up against


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Listen to Tacoma and the others. 

The moment the separation begins you will be 'plan B'. Even if she comes back, A 'plan B' type marriage will be doomed to fail. 
Stop this before it begins. She included that she is not sure if it is a permanent thing because she wants to be able to have you as a backup in case things don't work out with her other interest. Was this included in your vows? 

You need to put your foot down and make it clear that you need work on the marriage TOGETHER. If she still wants to leave then you make sure she understand that she's the one breaking up your family and you have no choice but to file and move on. 

The reason it doesn't make sense to you is because you are assuming that this need for separation is about fixing your marriage. IT IS NOT. It is so she can act single without your interference. By acting single I mean trying out another guy. Probably from her place of work. 

As long as there is someone else in the picture, the last thing she wants to do is 'renew connections' with her husband. 

She's separating to strengthen her connections with him. 

Now it makes sense doesn't it.


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Very real posts that I need to hear.... Plan B is not what I'm looking to be (never have and never will)..... Classic case of the nice guy who finishes last I am (say it like Yoda if you feel like it  ) ..... Just not interested in being the fallback.

I'm thinking this is 180 time and I've started to implement these changes, but obviously all is hard to do while trying to keep thoughts of the kids and everything.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP kindly scroll back toward the top, reread Entropy's post and follow through. "This is your choice start working on our marriage together under the same roof or sign these" and hand over the divorce papers. 

This was her idea but do not allow her to control the situation. It is likely that she has at least an emotional attachment to someone at her new place of employment. The fog will only increase if you do not take swift and decisive action.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

If she is the one with the issue why are you leaving the house?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trying,

Read the title if your thread, this thread.

Your situation is probably more desperate than you know.

Do not leave your house, stop coddling her, if she wants a separation then she can leave.

You're still overly concerned with her needs and ignoring the hell out of your own.

Do not leave your house especially for any length of time because if you do leave your house you will probably end up divorced.

In many states leaving can be considered abandonment and destroy you in an alimony/custody situation.

Do not leave your house.
She wants the separation she can leave.
Stop helping her destroy your family.

Have you done any investigating of her communications yet?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

if you leave your house and she then files for divorce the courts look at that as you abandoning the family!!! she is way ahead of you get back in the HOUSE!!!!!


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## Snidley (Jul 5, 2011)

Hey Trying, 
The only thing you can do right now to assume the worst is going to happen, and start working on yourself. You can spend a lot of time and resources trying to find evidence that your wife is cheating, but in the end if you find your proof she already knows it. You will just be wasting what little time you have left to prepare yourself. She has already asked for trial divorce (separation).
Your best course of action is to stay in your home (it's half yours after all) and work on yourself. Start working out, going out with friends, etc., and prepare yourself for the nest step in your life. If you sneak around trying to gather evidence at this point it will drive you insane. 
If she does leave you'll will be more prepared to start over, on the other hand the best way to reel her back in may be to show her you won't be 2nd prize and are moving on without her.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If he finds evidence of an affair and is able to break it up he stands a chance at reconciling with his wife.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that's all he really wants is his wife back.

If she or he leaves and he doesn't bother to look for an affair he'll lose her for sure.

Stay in the house, start investigating what she's been up to.

There's a man in this mess somewhere.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Trying to figure this out said:


> I'm thinking this is 180 time
> 
> Why do you insist on ignoring the advice to investigate what she's up to?


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