# We only have sex on his terms.



## 1986Samantha (Feb 25, 2013)

Hubby and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. We have always felt extremely fortunate to have eachother. We're best friends, and frankly, we have pretty mind blowing sex on a regular basis. 

There's a bit of an age difference - he's 41 and I'm 27. 

For the majority of our relationship, we were both on the same page as far as sex was concerned. All that either of us had to do was say the word and we'd be between the sheets instantly. 

These days, we're still having sex pretty much daily (he's working long hours so it's usually just a quicky through the week, and we make up for it on the weekends).... 

The problem is, I don't get to initiate anymore. We only have sex when HE wants to have sex. It's like I can't get him to acknowledge my arousal anymore. 

Last night for instance: There's this tantric hand job thing that we do, and it blows his mind everytime, so he had asked me to do it, and of course i obliged. It's incredibly arousing to do this to him, but it's all about him. He doesn't touch me during this act, and in the end, he's the only one who achieves an orgasm. When we were finished, I explained how turned on I was, and how he was going to have to return the favor before the night was through. I gave him some time to recover, and then i hopped in the tub, shaved everything, freshened up, and put on my sexiest lingere. I laid beside him on the couch, started kissing him, and he just kept watching television. I put my hand down his pants and started massaging, and... he keeps watching television. I say "i want to have sex... now" and he just gives me a peck on the cheek and keeps watching TV.......I'm extremely persistant. Then the phone rings. It's a friend he hasn't heard from in a while... I understand he needs to talk, so I stay patient, and flirt with him while he chats... sucking on his fingers and touching myself etc........And i SWEAR the man is oblivious to my efforts. I don't know if all women experience this.. but when I am extremely aroused, there is a window of opportunity. He chatted with his friend for an hour and a half!!!!!! By the time he got off the phone, I was no longer horny, I was angry. 

I went to bed mad, and he has no idea why. Does anybody out there feel my frustration?! It's not the first time something like this has happened to me - It's becoming a bit of a pattern. That's why I signed up to this forum, to get advice. 

This morning I wrote him a letter, very bluntly stating my issues. I really want to give it to him, but I Know that he will be extremely embarassed, and have very hurt feelings. What should I do?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Edit any anger out of the letter and gear it towards as much compassion as you can.

Give it to him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Couple of issues. First is his age. At 41 his drive is likely declining while your is accelerating. 

Secondly you're training him with your actions that you're okay with this. You repeatedly get him off FIRST knowing that his habit is to not return the favor for hours later if ever. You can get mad all you want but YOU are the one allowing this to happen. Next time he wants the mind blowing tantric hand job tell him no you come first and state gently why.

Problem solved.


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## 1986Samantha (Feb 25, 2013)

Mavash - That is good advice. Thank You  I just never wanted to be the girl that would withhold sex. I like to please him, but I suppose desperate times call for desperate measures.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've said this several times on this board but it bears repeating. Never ever ever give with expectations. It only sets you up for resentment later.

In this example you gave expecting him to give back and when that didn't happen you got pissed. That's on you.

And I'm not suggesting you withhold sex I'm suggesting you stop giving with expectations AND stop giving more than you are getting in return. An imbalance also causes resentment. I've vowed in my 21 year marriage to not give more than he does. I'll match it but I will not exceed it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I've said this several times on this board but it bears repeating. Never ever ever give with expectations. It only sets you up for resentment later.


Where the hell were you with this bit of enlightenment ten years ago?

All & I mean ALL my problems would be non existent if I had learned this back then.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

1986Samantha said:


> Mavash - That is good advice. Thank You  I just never wanted to be the girl that would withhold sex. I like to please him, but I suppose desperate times call for desperate measures.


She didn't tell you to withhold sex. She said to change the order. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1986Samantha (Feb 25, 2013)

withhold may have been a poor choice of words. Regardless, it will result in a shift in our sex life - something he may be unprepared for.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Where the hell were you with this bit of enlightenment ten years ago?
> 
> All & I mean ALL my problems would be non existent if I had learned this back then.
> 
> ...


I just learned this myself about a year ago. Even now I have to take that extra 10 seconds and ask myself one question. If I do this (could be anything) and get nothing back will I be upset? If the answer is yes I don't do it. 

Doing this has literally changed my life with my husband, friends, family, etc.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

As a man in his early 40's, yes the sex drive is ... different. Once I orgasm, it could pretty much be summed up that I'm done for the night. The mental drive is still there but the libido doesn't cooperate like it used to. I've learned to deal with this simply by focusing on HER pleasure and making sure she's completely satisfied before I even think about finishing. Then, once said and done, the great HJ, BJ, or whatever finishes me off is done without guilt.

He just needs to understand his own shortcomings. Communication (before the act) is key.

Mavash nailed it in the 3rd reply really.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I've said this several times on this board but it bears repeating. Never ever ever give with expectations. It only sets you up for resentment later.


I didn't get the sense she set out with the expectation of giving to get back. She happened to get turned on while giving. I have to think that's a bit different.

When your spouse is particularly turned on shouldn't you want to at least help them to get off? Perhaps cudding and/or kissing while they get themselves off at the very least?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I didn't get the sense she set out with the expectation of giving to get back. She happened to get turned on while giving. I have to think that's a bit different.


Actually it's not. She KNOWS she's going to get aroused and KNOWS (at this point) that he's not going to give back for hours if ever. This is still on her.

And the reason I say this is because she got pissed about it. That's a dead give away that she gave with expectations.


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## 1986Samantha (Feb 25, 2013)

I don't know if "pissed" is the same thing as sexual frustration.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> By the time he got off the phone, I was no longer horny, I was angry.


Your words.

And trust me I agree. I'd be angry too. He put everything else before you.


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## 1986Samantha (Feb 25, 2013)

My issue wasn't really about the fact that I had given with nothing in return. I have no issue with waiting a few hours to get mine - I'd rather wait a few hours and have him full of energy than exhausted and pleasuring me out of obligation. My concern was with the fact that I was nearly naked, looking my best, flaunting myself at him, and he seemed not to notice.

Anyaway, we've been texting all morning and I think the problem will be remedied


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband is 47 so I totally get that.


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## 1986Samantha (Feb 25, 2013)

I'm with you AM2013. Sex is always better when you can get your pleasure out of his first errection rather than trying for a second or third time in one night. It's a happy comromise.


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