# What Happened???



## Mari (Jul 23, 2009)

I have been dating a man I met online for about 4 months. We're both in our 50's. After the first month he mentioned that he has lousy neighbours and I told him that I could never live in a house where the neighbours were bad. He said that he wasn't planning on marrying again or having anyone move in with him so he didn't care. Then he said "I hope you're not looking to getting married". I said no, I wasn't. I've been on my own for 26 years and just looking to date and do things with someone.

His work hours are terrible....anywhere from 50 to 65 hrs a week. Basically he comes home from work, eats, relaxes a bit and then goes to bed early to wake up around 5 a.m. and then works until anytime in the evening...he's in construction so it's not a 905 job like mine.

When we do get together on the weekend we sometimes go out to dinner or he comes to my place or I go to his place for dinner. Sometimes it's a Friday evening, a Saturday or Sunday evening. He works Saturday and golfs Sunday. After two months into the relationship I asked him if we would be seeing others and he said he didn't want to and asked me if I wanted to date other men and I said know. He said he wanted my friendship and loyalty.

We have been getting on well until I mentioned that I was frustrated because I never know when we're going out and it means I can't plan my weekend. He got upset. I told him all I wanted was to see him for about an hour one day during the week and a couple of days on the weekend.

That weekend he came to my place for dinner (my son and his girlfriend were there as well). We had dinner and then I asked him if he wanted to see a movie and he said yes. I picked out about 12 movies for him to choose and he got upset and told me to "stop trying to please him" and just choose a movie. I then got upset and put the movies back. We then went to my room and had sex 'cause my son had gone out.

I asked him later what was wrong 'cause he didn't seem his normal laughing self (he was like that when he first walked in the door) and he said that I should be myself and quit trying to please. 

He then said "you're not my wife and we're not married so you don't need to cook for me". I mentioned that I'm not treating you any different than I would family or friends so what's the problem. He also said I love my job and I'm not changing my hours for any woman. I had never asked him to change his job and I never push. The only time I complained was to say that it's frustrating to never know what we're doing and if we're going to see one another.

After he left I wrote him an email and told him that I'm now feeling like I'm walking on eggshells as well as other things.

He wrote back to say that if I'll be walking on eggshells perhaps it's best to find another man and wished me good luck on my search and also said he was looking for a friend and companion, without pressure or demands.........and that was the end of that. 

I want to add that after a 22 year marriage he met a woman who he dated for 5 years and then he broke it off and three months later he met me.

I've never experienced anything like this from any man I've gone out with. I know that he didn't have time to see anyone else and he called me every other day "to keep in touch". He told me I'm a "beautiful lady" but has never said he likes me or anything like that. We were getting on so well and he liked my children (they don't live at home).

Can someone please tell me what happened here? What did I do wrong? I've never experienced anything like this from any man I've gone out with.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sounds to me like he wants the relationship on his terms to fulfill only HIS needs, and any needs you may have now or in the future are unlikely to be considered. He also sounds kind of like he doesn't give a rip about keeping a relationship going at whatever cost.

It also sounds to me like he needs a _good pet_ he can take out of the cage whenever he feels like paying it some attention, then can put it back in the cage when he is done. On the other hand, I don't think he has time for a goldfish, let alone a nice lady like you!

Go find a single, _retired or widowed_ guy who wants companionship in a more serious way. Make sure all his kids are on their own, no resentments, and the guy is happy person.


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## Mari (Jul 23, 2009)

Thank you Sandy. I never pushed and the man only lives 5 mins from my home. I also wanted to pay for my own dinner when he took me out because I was starting to feel like it was a "friends with benefits" type of thing. He refused and told me he was old fashioned but I think for him it was like a "payback" for my company. I think because I was being nice to him scared him as well. The ones I fall for always turn out to be jerks.

Take care.

M.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Break it off. You deserve better than this jerk!!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Whether it's right or wrong, I can see why he might have felt pressured. He obviously doesn't want anything other than a companion with some casual sex. Talking about how frustrating his hours are, and not being able to plan your weekends, inviting him over for dinner with your family, that is "relationship" stuff.... and that's not what he wants and probably won't change it....

NOW, If this isn't what you want, just go find someone new. I can't imagine too many people would be happy with that kind of an arrangement. So if he can find someone like that, good for him. But you need to figure out what it really is you are looking for, not just right now, but down the road. Could you see yourself getting serious with someone a ways down the road or not? Things like that. Then go find a better guy that fits YOUR needs. Don't cater to what he wants.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

You did nothing wrong. Don't change. He's just too selfish. You found a dud. That's all. Good luck with finding a better one.


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## Mari (Jul 23, 2009)

Thank you for your messages and your encouragement. I've put myself back online.

M.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Good for you! Make a list of "must haves" and don't deviate from it. Life is too short and sometimes being alone is better than being lonely with someone. 

(GPR: Good response...:iagree


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

He sounds like a recreational dater, meaning he only dates for sex and haha's... with no intention of getting serious or commitment... he wants things casual and wants to be able to bail at anytime when someone better comes along. You beter be careful sleeping with those guys, you can end up with far more than confusion ( STD's)...


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## Mari (Jul 23, 2009)

GPR

I'm not the only one who invited him to dinner. He did too, at his home and he cooked for me as well. He's taken me out for nice dinners and concerts.

Another time when I told him I was going to my granddaughter's birthday party (far from my home) I told him he was welcome but didn't have to come. He asked for the address and, after working from 6 a.m. to 4 p.m. on a Saturday, showed up at my son's home and looked like he was enjoying himself.

Another time I had my kids over for a barbecue and told him they would be there and it was up to him if he wanted to come and he said yes and told me I have lovely kids and came another time as well. He doesn't seem to only come for the sex because he knows when my daughter sleeps over we're not going to do anything, however he comes over anyways. His last relationship lasted 6 or 7 years and they dated and went on trips together but she had two teens at home. He told me he was only seeing her at the time and I believe it because of his hours. Also, he never pushes himself on me....actually I'm the one who has to ask for sex  but then he smiles when I do....lol

I think he may have been feeling pressured when I told him I was frustrated and he may have worried that I would drop him. Reason for this is that he asked me why I quit going with my last guy and I told him that I kept finding things wrong with him so I knew I wasn't into him. He then told me "be honest with me if you should get bored with me". He also asked me how he was different from the other guy.

His hours are pretty bad though but then he should never gone on a dating site if he works 65 to 80 hours a week.

I suppose I want to find the good in him. My only complaint is that I don't want to worry about saying what's on my mind and certainly don't want to walk on eggshells all the time. He also gets offended too easily and he told me he has some insecurities.


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## Mari (Jul 23, 2009)

Preso -

I don't sleep with every man I meet. I use condoms unless I've been in a longterm relationship for quite a while, and, prior to that, I had not slept with a man in 26 years....


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

There is one little different though, the other times as you described them, he was given the option and had control over if and when he went. You started talking about making plans, and being frustrated with hours. That could be what tripped him.

Honestly, this is all speculation. I'm just guessing based on what I read. 

But in the end, if he's not what you want, don't bother trying to fix him, just move on and find someone else.


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## Mari (Jul 23, 2009)

Yes....you're right....I see what you're saying. Somehow he does like to have control. I don't like being controlled..not when I've been doing my own thing and raising two children on my own for over 20 years.

Why is it so hard to find a good man, without too much baggage, good in bed, easygoing....and I don't care about money as long as he has a job? Took me three years to find this guy and look how it turns out....


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Mari said:


> Why is it so hard to find a good man, without too much baggage, good in bed, easygoing....and I don't care about money as long as he has a job? Took me three years to find this guy and look how it turns out....


If it were that easy, this forum wouldn't exist... And the rest of us guys would be single


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