# Confused,hurt and scared



## stuckinpast (Jun 26, 2010)

Hi all I'm new to doing all this but I'm in need of some help. Its a whole mess of things going on the sucky part I have 2 kids. I'll start by stating that back when I was pregnant with our second child (I was 7 months) and I found some texts on my husbands phone. Him and I have known each other 11 yrs. been married about 7 years. He told me she was nothing ok fine we work on things then just back in May of this year I found out he was doing online chats to other girls on craiglist and the singles sites he did this at the end of 08-beginning of 09. Anyhow to make long story short he says he never cheated physically although I assume the worst. I don't know what to do I thought him and I were in a good place in our relationship at that time. Apparently I was wrong....Anyhow he has gotten me 3 times hes hurt me bad he says he wants to be together he wants this to work out and I do too it's just that I can't let this go its all I think about...... any advice would be great thanks


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

No easy answer. It takes a lot of time and you have to allow yourself the true feelings you have. If you bottle them it will make things worse. At the same time, only you can decide if you want to stay. He may do it again. He many not. Its your life - not his you can do something about. If he is kind to you and you want to be with him, only you can decide what to do. It rests on your shoulders. It is a heavy load - trust me I know... I'm still carrying it too. Couples therapy and your own therapy can help you. Life is short. There is joy somewhere. Perhaps the best joy possible is exactly where you are right now if you allow it. 

You don't have to forgive or forget. But you do need to allow yourself to be happy. 
Good luck. I'm sorry.


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## stuckinpast (Jun 26, 2010)

thanks stillinshock I appreciate the response! And I do try and talk to him and express my feelings the only thing about that is he kind of shuts me down I know he feels terrible for how hes treated me but he always says lets start over lets start fresh I promise I'll never do anything like this to you again...I want to believe him he is a good guy a great father but truly I'm scared that I'll find something more out. Have you tried counsling? Does it work?


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

Stuckinpast:

I understand your pain. I'm in a situation not too different. After 12 yrs of marriage, during which we'd slid apart bit by bit - my wife said she didn't want to be together anymore, wanted to take a break and decide what to do. Within two weeks she had taken up an online relationship with someone she still describes (6 weeks on) as a "friend". In our case she's not yet ready to re-commit to our marriage. We each have personal issues to address with our therapist, after which I hope she'll be ready to address saving the marriage itself. She's not interested in ending the online affair, but that too may change as we address each of our problems in therapy. 

In a way, your spouse is a step further, telling you he wants to save the marriage. From what I've been learning the past 6 weeks, there may have been something in your relationship - probably not conscious on your part or his - that left one or both of you feeling unloved. When this happens you tend to push the other away, even if you think you're doing everything right. It's natural in some ways to seek attention outside of the marriage as a way to cope or even get your partner's attention, but it can become destructive when he won't admit to or end the affair. If he's ready to work on staying together, keep confronting him with your feelings, ask for disclosure on his part - ask to see the emails/texts/chats, and ask him to stop. Obviously an ongoing affair is a big barrier to rebuilding your marriage - for reasons of trust if nothing else.

Keep at it, I think you'll make it. Good luck.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

My wife started having an EA back in February, told me she wanted to separate in March, she left in April and I assume that is when she started her PA if not sooner..and we are still married 17 yrs with 2 girls...she still denies it which is the most pain to me because of the need to keep lying.


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## stuckinpast (Jun 26, 2010)

So now my question is: How do I let all of this go? He has stopped everything he gave me his passwords to e-mail/phone ect. And again he chated for 4 days while me and his son were away at his moms for a week he said he was lonely ok fine but like I said I just found out abou this a month ago. He's lived with knowing about this for about a year. Why couldn't he have told me? And yes the lying and hiding is the worst part of all this. Can I trust him.....


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## Confused.One (Apr 2, 2010)

I am in a very similar situation as well and, just like you, want to be in a happy marriage where this does not occur.
My only contribution here is that there seems to be a portion of the population out there that can't "handle" the internet. What I am saying is that I see it as some sort of "disease" since I don't know what else to call it. As with any "disease", I am of the opinion that it needs to be treated by a therapist and if not treated it will only keep reappearing. The lying is just another symptom of this disease as well.


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## zumama (Jun 27, 2010)

I am sorry that this has happened to you. I too am in a similar situation. I have been married 31 years. Four kids and 5 grandkids. My spouse has admitted too at least 2 affairs in the past 2 years.For me the decisons is "no more". All I can say to you is think it through carefully and know where you draw the line. Make the choice before you throw away anymore of your life.


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## zumama (Jun 27, 2010)

zumama said:


> I am sorry that this has happened to you. I too am in a similar situation. I have been married 31 years. Four kids and 5 grandkids. My spouse has admitted too at least 2 affairs in the past 2 years.For me the decisons is "no more". All I can say to you is think it through carefully and know where you draw the line. Make the choice before you throw away anymore of your life.


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## stuckinpast (Jun 26, 2010)

All this advice is great I almost feel better knowing that I'm not the only one.(Sad to say) I did push him away after the birth of our son.So maybe all this is my fault I know I have alot of resentment towards him. I'm trying to work on that. It's just sad knowing your spouse was looking else where instead of his so called best friend/soul mate. I'm trying so hard to get these thoughts out of my head. One day I'm fine the other I'm sad angry cant look at him just disgusted. But now with the lying and hiding how do I believe him again? Like when he tells me he loves me I don't feel truth in it. I so badly want to sweep this under a rug and move on but I guess I'm not there yet. I'm afraid that if I let all this continue to bother me he's going to crack and leave. He keeps saying why keep beating a horse when its already down.....I don't know I guess I'm still confused...........


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