# Discovering what I want



## DigitalUMC (Feb 25, 2011)

Hello and thanks for reading this. I'm a guy, 24 and married (obviously) but I'm seriously considering divorce. My wife and I have been together since HS. We were dating for four years (on and off at one point) before I asked her to marry me and have since been married for 1 year and 10 months. I had joined the military and was going to be across the country for the rest of my time in, so I felt at the time I didn't want to be away from her. A few people suggested letting things play out or taking a break to see how we handled the distance before doing anything serious ( like getting married) but I took it as an attack on our ability to handle our relationship (I should have listened). As the marriage day started to get closer I was starting to get nervous and having second thoughts on whether this was the right decision to make or not. I didn't want to ruin my reputation and besides I "loved" this girl so why should I chicken out?

Our marriage was going as well as any marriage would in the first few months but after the first year I started to slowly notice differences in how I felt about her. It was probably because the military pushes me to maintain excellent or close to excellent physical condition, especially for my age. I desire to be in the best condition I can be since I'm young. I started going to the gym at least three times a week, I noticed my body change over time as my muscles developed and started feeling better about myself (self esteem went higher). I also started noticing the women in the gym. My wife on the other hand is not the exercising type. She is overweight by 150+ lbs for her height and it shows. I've been trying to get her motivated to work out but shes told me many times she hates going to the gym and hates working out. Shes always "tired" or "not feeling well". She is a "girly girl" but only in the sense of aesthetics (purses, shoes ,nail polish) not her physical condition (she wants to lose weight but has no drive to push herself as hard as she needs to and make the sacrifices that are required).
Needless to say the sexual attraction between us has dwindled to the point of non-existence. 

I've also began to notice that we have very different interests in just about everything. We have hardly anything in common. I'm a person with many interests in many different subjects. I love to talk about the wonders of the world, science, space etc. I enjoy thought provoking conversation but she is not at all interested in that stuff. She would rather sit on the couch, watch TV, read nail blogs, while roaming Facebook all day. She will talk about tv shows or how <insert friends name> needs to fix whatever it is they are doing that she doesn't agree with. 

I've realized that not only have the feelings I have for her changed but also the way I love her has changed from the romantic kind into a friend/friend kind of love. I care for her greatly but not in the same way as before. We do have moments when all I want to do is hug/kiss etc. but thats followed by times of complete lack of interest on my part. I believe it stems from the warning young people are always given. We never really know who we are until we have had time to grow and mature. Who I was 3 years ago is different than who I am now. We have both talked about this a few times and I've told her that I don't want to be the bad guy/heartbreaker. I know that is whats going to have to happen but I don't want things to turn into an ugly battle. I would like to keep everything civil and if possible remain friends but I have no idea if thats possible on her end. She is very emotional, while I'm trying to be logical. We don't have kids for this very reason of trying to see if our marriage would work out before making our lives more complicated. My thinking is that instead of dragging out our marriage and giving up years of our lives pretending its working when it isn't, we should do what we know is best and let it go. She is dedicated to the marriage and wants to make it work. I'm cautious about it because I'm hardly attracted to her and barely connect with her anymore. I've suggested and pushed the weight loss thing but its not looking like anything will really change. I've told her the ball is in her court if she wants it to work she can try to lose weight but she really has to put her all into it. I'm not saying it will fix our problems but its worth a shot (she'll also be healthier which makes me happy). 

I believe that I've honestly changed since I'm in better shape, better looking and more confident about myself. I feel like I settled for the first girl who came my way that was committed to me. My friends told me, even people I barely spoke to said I could do better when we were dating, I just wanted to hold onto the only thing I knew that worked and now I'm dealing with that right now. I want to branch out, discover and connect with different women (after I'm single again). My friends that are women connect more with me than my wife (It'll stay strictly friends) we talk about the things that I yearn for my wife to be interested in. I see in them what I want to find in a gf/spouse. It's a hard reality check.

Any advice on what I should do?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Honestly. You are young, you have different world views, and you have no kids (keep it that way). I would break cleanly.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I don't agree. I had major differences and communication issues with my wife. I was far more messed up about her weight than I should have been.



> I believe that I've honestly changed since I'm in better shape, better looking and more confident about myself. I feel like I settled for the first girl who came my way that was committed to me.


It almost sounds like you are saying that your wife isn't good enough for you anymore. I really hope you think about the affect that this will have on her. You are more confident about yourself, but you will destroy her. 



> We have both talked about this a few times and I've told her that I don't want to be the bad guy/heartbreaker. I know that is whats going to have to happen but I don't want things to turn into an ugly battle. I would like to keep everything civil and if possible remain friends but I have no idea if thats possible on her end. She is very emotional, while I'm trying to be logical.


You are telling her that she isn't good enough for you anymore. SHE WILL BE EMOTIONAL. You are the heartbreaker.



> I've suggested and pushed the weight loss thing but its not looking like anything will really change. I've told her the ball is in her court if she wants it to work she can try to lose weight but she really has to put her all into it. I'm not saying it will fix our problems but its worth a shot (she'll also be healthier which makes me happy).


This is probably the WORST thing you could ever say to a woman. I'm mostly horrified that you would tell her that if you lose weight I might be interested in you, but I might not. It sounds like the best hope of saving your marriage is for her to lose weight. This is the most a$$hole thing you could possibly do to her, and I am actually shocked you would word it like this. You might as well spit in her face as you say this. It would probably be less of a blow to say that you cheated on her, you never loved her, and it was all a lie than to say this.

You will destroy your wife by leaving her after saying these things. I doubt the problem is just her. I highly suggest MC.



> As the marriage day started to get closer I was starting to get nervous and having second thoughts on whether this was the right decision to make or not. I didn't want to ruin my reputation and besides I "loved" this girl so why should I chicken out?


 You really should have acted on this then and not now. IMO, you owe your wife MC to see if this works



> Any advice on what I should do?


MC!!!!


If you decide to leave, please realize what you will have done to this woman. She will feel like she was less important than the overweight scum on the bottom of the mud on the bottom of your shoe. Why did you ask to marry this woman?


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## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

Wow, it’s bizarre how similar this situation is to my own, like almost exactly the same.

anx, I think the point DigitalUMC is trying to make is that as he’s grown and developed into a person that he’s more proud of, he looks at his wife and sees a person that doesn’t want to change, doesn’t want to better herself, doesn’t want to look beyond her own world of trivial matters. He married her because someone cared about him, maybe without thinking about the realities of the relationship. (Maybe I’m just projecting my own experiences onto this, I don’t know.)

DigitalUMC, do not even THINK about kids at this point. As difficult as it may be, you need to keep talking about this stuff with her. Yes, she’ll probably get very upset, but you shouldn’t have to compromise your life’s happiness so she can stay in her own simple world. Things may not turn out well. Good luck to you.


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## DigitalUMC (Feb 25, 2011)

Thanks for the tips everyone. VT, a clean break is what I'm hoping for if it doesn't work out.

anx, I've thought about the kind of effect it will have on her but we agreed from the beginning to be honest about our feelings. I would appreciate it more if someone told me "I don't find you attractive anymore." than pretend to love me, especially in my early 20's when we have no kids. I understand the MC suggestion and we are talking about it.

Vienna, you are correct. Our situations may be similar because that is how I feel. Kids are a definite NO, that is what I will avoid at all costs. The last thing I want to do is make things even more complicated for both of us. That is true, no matter how bad I feel about it, I can't give up my life for someone else to be happy, if anything it may just happen later in the marriage. I think its better to end it now.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

digital,

You've only been married two years. You have had a fast change in yourself(it sounded like two years as well). You married this woman and changed yourself and expect her to also very quickly change because you are telling her to change.

You are correct that couples need to communicate honestly and openly. However, telling someone you aren't attracted to them because they are overweight is usually a good way to make them feel like sh*t. Its a pretty horrible motivator.

You aren't crazy for wanting your wife to be in shape since you now are, but you also married her as she is now. in less than 2 years, that went from being great to unacceptable.

I agree with what you want. Its not crazy.
You need to consider how your wife sees this. She is probably very hurt and feels worthless about this(if you said the same thing as your post, you basically told her she isn't good enough and you are better than her). Its hard to get motivated when you are hurt and feel worthless.


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

I'm in a similar position. Not in terms of looks (I still think my wife is absolutely beautiful) but just having nothing in common. 

It seemed like for years love kept things going despite the fact that we never really clicked intellectually and don't have the same interests, but now that love has started to fade it's like there's no foundation. And I'm starting to wonder what the point is in staying together.

I don't know if I have the guts to go through with breaking up yet, but if I were you I'd do it. You only have one life, and you're both young.


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## NOWHERELEFT2TURN (Feb 24, 2011)

i am more in your wifes position. i dated my husband for a few months and broke it off because he was recently divorced and i thought i was just a rebound for him. at the time i was extremely thin. a few years later after he had returned to the same women again and divorced again, he looked me up and we began dating, i had gained about 30 pounds. he never said anything about it, in fact he said i looked good when i mentioned i had gained some weight. we eventually married and have been for 4 years now. i can only speak for me, but i feel it is very hurtful and degrading when a spouse points out their unhappiness with your weight, especially when you have been that size since you were dating. not sure if your wife was or not, but either way i just want you to know it will mentally break her down and her self esteem will be out the window. im sure years from now she will be over it and fine, and maybe find someone who truly loves her, but i cant help for it to sound like you are putting your love on the backburner just for you selfish wants. marriage is suppose to be forever, there seems to be no abuse, no cheating, and no terrible issues. you just are unhappy with her looks and that she doesnt have the same things in common with you. you said she wants to make it work, well maybe she would try to be more interested in things you are and yall could enjoy them together instead of you walking away. 

my husband is in military and hes all about fitness and thats fine. i would love to lose about 30 pounds or maybe more, but the way he pushes it on me does not help, it only makes me feel worthless and if it is to the point with him that he doesnt want to be with me because of it then i dont believe he truly loves me as he should, because love should be more than that. i really believe you married young and i did too on my first marriage and you now just may want to get out and see what other options are out there. if you were dedicated to your wife you wouldnt be so quick to be out noticing other things like the girls at the gym and what you have in common with so many other women. i dont feel your focus is on your marriage, i believe your focus is on you and thats selfish, theres another person that loves you very much and your answer is she just doesnt look good enough for you and dont have much in common with you and that just sounds like an easy way out for you. im sure in the end she will be better off if you do end it because she deserves better than that,


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

I have to admit that having a healthy and attractive partner is important for me. I tease my man about the bit of padding on his belly but I also compliment him a lot. He also teases me that I have more padding since my knee injury. But again, it is only teasing and we are both physically attracted to one another. I would never dare tell someone that they need to shape up or else...that is so shallow and evil not to mention ineffective. I once dated a man who wanted me to be more physically active by visiting the climbing gym with him. He would hound me to come and ask what exercise I did that week. I actually started to enjoy the gym less. I was always much more into outdoor fitness but his remarks and attitude literally zapped my motivation to rock climb or work out in the gym. So don't wonder why she has not gone to the gym since you told her she is unattractive!?!

Why don't you try and cut back on your ego and start to notice the things you found beautiful about her before - nice eyes, curvy hips, cute toes - whatever. If you would like her to lead a healthier lifestyle then stop pressuring her and start encouraging her. Cook healthy meals and snacks for her. Invite her to fun physical activities - a hike, bike ride, dance lessons, etc. Maybe you can spread your enthusiasm about fitness. But at the end of the day you are different people and that is good too. Just try and find some ways to connect and re-ignite the spark. I am sure it is still burning somewhere you just need to loosen up.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

At 52, 6ft tall and 175lbs and a runner I'm good as I'm gonna be. This is it. And this after a bout with cancer and a coupla minor cardiac 'events'. You want more you're going to have to trade me in. And I'm ok with that. I figure I'll be working till I drop in the harness anyway so being healthy is a requirement.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And might I add, I hear this "I'm only teasing" all the time. Every minute of every hour of every day after day after day. Just teasing. Uh huh.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

I certainly understand your issue.
If i read this correctly, she is 150 lbs overweight....meaning she is over 250 lbs?

Anyway, it doesn't sound like you love her......it goes further than her weight stuggle.

Just want to forewarn you....the grass is usually not greener.

Woman and men USUALLY have different interests.
Frankly, most woman I know are more interested in the things your wife is interested in.

It may APPEAR that other woman share your interests....because they will SHOW interest if they are interested in you. That fades fast after a relationship takes hold.

I suggest you divorce asap, but do NOT expect happiness to come from a woman interested in your hobbies and happens to be thin and fit.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well people don't wake up one day and discover they're as large as a car. I was in an airport yesterday, got knocked over by a woman in a Rascal scooter who, hand to god, had to weigh 400lbs. I don't even understand how she could fly. At any rate the point of the story is she clearly saw me, had ample room to get around me and ran into me anyway because she obviously felt it was her due as royalty or something. The weight, the arrogance, the hatred of the world in general, probably all aspects of the same malady whatever it was.


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> And might I add, I hear this "I'm only teasing" all the time. Every minute of every hour of every day after day after day. Just teasing. Uh huh.


Well some people you can tease and others you cannot. It really depends on your relationship and the individual, it requires sensitivity. With people who don't have a body image problem it can be innocent fun! I think humour is the best way to stay lighthearted about these things but definitely some people will never see it that way.


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## KangSupporter (Mar 3, 2011)

anx said:


> You are correct that couples need to communicate honestly and openly. However, telling someone you aren't attracted to them because they are overweight is usually a good way to make them feel like sh*t. Its a pretty horrible motivator.


Not always. It depends on the individual. 

After recently losing a lot of weight, I remarked to my husband how much more confident I feel in my body. He answered by telling me how much happier he is with my body- and that in the past he was dismayed that he was slowly getting less and less attracted to me. He confessed this to me despite telling me over and over again his feelings would never change no matter how large I'd get. When he told me this I was more hurt and embarrassed than I would have been if he'd been honest with me and himself years ago. 



> You aren't crazy for wanting your wife to be in shape since you now are, but you also married her as she is now. in less than 2 years, that went from being great to unacceptable.


It doesn't seem to me it was great two years ago. He wrote that he'd had reservations before he married.

Digital, from my perspective (and apparently yours) it looks like this is a classic case of marrying too young. Get into marriage counseling so you can be honest about your feelings in a neutral setting. 



bluesky said:


> Woman and men USUALLY have different interests.
> Frankly, most woman I know are more interested in the things your wife is interested in.


Yes yes yes. White guys drive like this, black guys drive like that.


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