# (Update) My wife of 22 years cheated and my daughters know



## AloneandLost (11 mo ago)

Okay. First of all, thank you for the immense support. I saw a lot of varying things. Not gonna lie, a couple of the quarrels between users were funny.

** Feb 10. The day after I found everything**

I called my boss and told him about it all. We are close and he also went through infidelity with his ex-wife, so he understood and told me to take as much as a week off if needed. I told my brother and sister about what happened, as they’re the only two people in my family I trust with this. They fully support and understand what I’m going through. I called my brother to the hotel room so he could help get through to me. When he got there, he started off by telling me that I can’t stay with (already knew that). He listened to me vent and told me to call my daughters. At first I didn’t want to, but he insisted. So I called my oldest and she answered immediately crying. She was crying a lot, and told me that the night everything went down, they were all at the house panicking trying to reach me. When I texted my daughter telling them I’d never hate them, my wife tried to say something like “omg if he tries to call you, please tell him…” and immediately her and the twins snapped at her. They basically told her they were done helping her with anything and that this is all her fault and even called her a wh*re. My wife kicked her (my oldest) out and the twins left with her and they were at their aunts house (my sister). She was panicking and I told her not to worry and that the next day I’d call her and her sisters out of school so we can discuss it.

*Feb 11. Today (still NC with stbxw)*

Before I go into detail, take into account that my grandpa died recently at the age of 97. We were very close, so this took a big toll on me.

I called my daughters out of school and went to my sister’s house where they were at. I asked her, if it was possible, if she could be there with us. She agreed and took the day off. I went over there and immediately they began apologizing. I sternly asked them what happened and why did they keep it from me. They said that their mother told them that this would kill me, especially after the loss of my grandpa, and that adding onto it would destroy me. That this would destroy me as well as the family. She also said that it was only the second time it happened and promised them that it would stop after that night. My daughters weren’t actively hiding an affair, they thought they would save my feelings and the family. They aren’t psychopathic masterminds like people were trying to say. My wife…maybe. My oldest said “maybe you guys can try to work it out. It only happened twice and she ended it”. I never wanted to give details, but I felt like I had to. Maybe I was wrong, but I told them that they’d been going behind my back for 9 before they caught them, and 8 months after. That’s all I told them. They began sobbing again and apologizing. They also said that they understand if I want to divorce her, and they support my decision. I concluded that I understand why they did what they did, and that I love them no less than before, but that I would be lying if I wasn’t deeply hurt by it. They cried more and I hugged all three of them. They came to stay with me at the hotel, as I had another night, and they didn’t want to go home. I then when in depth with them on how infidelity is devastating and how there are many solutions to problems other than cheating. They seemed to understand completely, as they could see how hurt I was. They had clothes, as they went to get more while their mom was still at work. I’m gonna get my 13 year old tomorrow.

Now onto my thoughts. Firstly, I saw many people telling me to go home and kick her out. I would, but she’s brought AP over multiple times to have sex. Likely all over the house. My home is contaminated and I no longer see it as my home, and I’d rather just stay away and let her be there alone. I’m glad that my daughters weren’t actively hiding an ongoing affair. If I found that out, I don’t know what I would’ve done. It would’ve reassured my insecurities of my place in the family. I still let them know how it affected me, as I wanted them to learn a lesson about the affects of things like this. I got a couple of private messages from women who gave me great insight. They were closer to their mom at that late teen age because they were growing women and had changing hormones; hormones only their mom could relate to. It didn’t take away from how much they loved their dad, it was just more about relatability. Those messages helped me feel better about it. I had some really dark nights even before this whole fiasco where I truly felt that I was alone in the family, and that I failed them all and that if I disappeared, no one would care. Hearing them tell me about what their mother said, as well as them standing up for me reassured what the women in the private messages said, as well as soothed my insecurities. I’m still disappointed, but I feel like this event will bring us closer than ever.

As for my wife, I’m still in NC with her. Haven’t called, texted, or been back to the house besides to go drop the kids off to get clothes when she wasn’t there. She’s still blowing up my phone. I can tell she’s been getting drunk, which she barely likes to do. I can tell because she’s usually a very precise texter, grammar and punctuation-wise. But during these instances, there were messages that didn’t make sense, capital letters scattered through words, and constant change in emotional tone. She’d apologize profusely and beg me to come home so she could explain everything one second, and then a few moments later, seem angry at me and tell me that I’m traumatizing the children, gonna ruin the family, being selfish, and that she felt lonely, all before going back to “remorseful”. Im divorcing her. I don’t care. She decived me for months. She lied and said she loved me then had sex in our marital bed. She got our kids involved and lied, manipulated, and gaslit them. All so she could keep her relations with her coworker. She disgusts me. None of that is forgivable, and my daughters have made it clear they agree. I honestly don’t ever want to talk or see her again, but I know I have to because of our youngest. Also, I don’t need to do a DNA test. We’ve done ancestry as a family and I am indeed their father. I am getting an STD screening, so we’ll see about that. I’m also in contact with a lawyer. He actually said something surprising. He said that many people will want to report their wife to the job for this, getting her and they AP fired. But he said that because she makes a good amount of money, it would be better to hold off on that until after the divorce, because any payment I’ll have to make to her will be significantly less with her current salary. So that was interesting.

My next update will be after I talk to my wife next, whenever I chose to do that. For now, I’m good with her being away from me. I don’t want anything to do with her currently. Thank you all for the support and advice. You don’t know how helpful you all have been! My handling of all of this has 95% come from advice from you guys!


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Good luck @AloneandLost


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Talk with your lawyer to make sure that leaving and staying away from your house won’t hurt you in the divorce.

And it’s not like you couldn’t drag the marital bed and couch out to a burn pile in the backyard. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Also, I’d swear I saw this on Reddit.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Also, I’d swear I saw this on Reddit.


Someone posted in the other thread that he/she directed OP here from reddit.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Thanks for the update. It is usually best to keep everything on 1 thread. Now that you have clearly decided to divorce, you will get more great advice and support here. Keep posting when you can. Glad things went so well with your daughters. Great job on the no contact with your wife. Do not deal with her directly on anything that can be handled by someone else. Take steps to protect yourself financially - bank accounts, credit cards etc. and beneficiary designations. Amazing how she can accuse you of destroying the family. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad. Cheaters are a unique breed. She is now your enemy. I doubt she will make the divorce easy, but you seem to be in a better situation than many that have come here. Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I’m glad to see your aren’t swallowing any blame shifting BS. The other is you seem good at is not jumping into the “pick me dance”. *Congrats.*
Getting strong, staying there and not accepting any BS excuses will work best for you.
I hope you understand that right now she is so sorry.* THAT SHE GOT CAUGHT!* Any tears will be for her not you.

Many in your position will jump right into R (rugsweep not reconciliation), marriage counseling ( the marriage isn’t the problem your cheating wife is).

Sorry you’re here but your wife ended your marriage. Would you marry her again after knowing what she’s capable of? Thats what a reconciliation is. Not to mention it takes a pretty crappy person to bring them into your home and involve your kids. What is there left to salvage? Infidelity is a permanent gift she’s given you. You have a choice whether to accept it. Or not.

IMO I’d let her go. Sometimes when you get dealt a really bad hand it’s better to not play it. Just fold.

You’ll need this for later. It’s a cheaters primary weapon.
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

If there's any consolation at least you now know that your daughters were not involved in covering the ongoing affair. 

You must get to rest and have some sleep. Exercise as a mean to release the stress. This is very important because it will help you to clear your mind.

We all are different and resolve problems from many approaches, but to me I can't see why to have to meet your soon to be ex-wife. If it's over for you, then the explanations and excuses means nothing, and make not mistake here, that's all you will get: excuses, blameshifting, and re-writing of the marriage to make it look like it's your fault, so be very ready to counter and shot down that immediately. 

I would just let the lawyers do the talking without your one on one involment with her. Getting on one on one can lead to accusations of DV (domestic violence), so if you're set on meeting her you better be prepare. Have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times you are with her. Best approach (from my point of view) serve her, and ghost her. Let the lawyers talk for both of you. Good luck, and stay strong, at least in front of her. Do not show her any weakness, any emotions. That will hurt her more than if you were to yell and belittle her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> *I would just let the lawyers do the talking without your one on one involment with her.* Getting on one on one can lead to accusations of DV (domestic violence), so if you're set on meeting her you better be prepare. Have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times you are with her. Best approach (from my point of view) serve her, and ghost her. Let the lawyers talk for both of you. Good luck, and stay strong, at least in front of her.


Great advice! Nothing gained talking to a drunk, manipulative, lying cheater. Let the attorney handle it. And if you must talk to her, how about in your lawyer's office where you have witnesses.

There was another BS on these forums whose wife filed DV charges on him after she received the divorce papers, costing him a lot in attorney fees. Had he not been carrying a VAR when it happened, he would have gone to jail.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Good to hear from you OP.

I guess this is also a lesson to those of you who suggested that OP cut his children out of his life. Maybe wait to have all of the facts before you make such an outlandish suggestion. "They should suffer consequences"?? These kids have suffered enough for crying out loud and they should have NEVER been put in this position!!

Aloneandlost your kids have a tremendous amount of stress they've been carrying and for a long time. SO glad that they were finally able to speak to you about it. Please get them into counseling as soon as you can. 

Your wife is a piece of work. She's not only a horrible lying cheating woman but a TERRIBLE mother as well who let her own selfish desires blow up her kids world and destroy your family.

Please take care of yourself and so glad you have your brother and sister there to help you and your kids.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sideways said:


> Good to hear from you OP.
> 
> I guess this is also a lesson to those of you who suggested that OP cut his children out of his life. Maybe wait to have all of the facts before you make such an outlandish suggestion. "They should suffer consequences"?? These kids have suffered enough for crying out loud and they should have NEVER been put in this position!!
> 
> ...


Yes but then again, we didn't have the facts that we all do now and made inferences based on what we were reading from the OP.

Everything changed when OP indicated (after we made our opinions known) that he felt that the kids were presssured by STBXW

After that, we modified our views to be more sympathetic.

The fact is that if the kids were complicit, just like in the story told by Taxman, OP would be justified in walking away from his kids.

I am really hopeful he is decisive in terminating his marriage with his STBXW and using this horrible situation in strengthening his relationship with his kids.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> First of all, a bunch of us recanted on that. So why are you grandstanding ?
> 
> Secondly, the way the OP initially posted in his first post, he almost made it sound like they were complicit. He now has the facts and shared them with us. You are blaming a group of us for making an inference based on what limited information we had, let alone info that the OP didn't know about or had himself.
> 
> ...


"On what limited information we had"? Thus why waiting to have all the facts before suggesting a man cut off his kids forever. 

Also, "a BUNCH of us recanted on that". So then my comment doesn't pertain to you now does it?

"IF OP's kids had been complicit"? Making my point (AGAIN) that before suggesting a father should kick his kids out of his life forever it would have made more sense to WAIT until he had ALL OF THE FACTS instead of letting emotions destroy the lives of his kids.

I'm NOT going to go back and forth with you on this. Thank God cooler heads prevailed.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sideways said:


> "On what limited information we had"? Thus why waiting to have all the facts before suggesting a man cut off his kids forever.
> 
> Also, "a BUNCH of us recanted on that". So then my comment doesn't pertain to you now does it?
> 
> ...


fine, let's end the back and forth. I am cool with that. I don't want to damage this thread and chase the OP away. BTW, I do respect your opinion as well even if we disagree. It's all good


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

I would suggest that you keep contact with your wife to a minimum. No good will come from a confrontation. She will lie, obfuscate, beg, blame everything and everyone under the sun, cry, plead, and blame-shift. All total ********. It will only make you angrier. I would check with your attorney on how best to protect yourself financially. She could go clean out your mutual bank accounts if she knows the marriage is a lost cause. I'd remove half of the assets immediately and put them in a separate account. Once this is done, tell her that you will only discuss details concerning the dissolution of the marriage and present living arrangements until a permanent resolution of family assets are determined. Don't give her the opportunity to do or say anything. She doesn't deserve it.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

AloneandLost said:


> Okay. First of all, thank you for the immense support. I saw a lot of varying things. Not gonna lie, a couple of the quarrels between users were funny.
> 
> ** Feb 10. The day after I found everything**
> 
> ...


your attorney is very intelligent.

That is true in a lot of cases. People get their spouse fired before the divorce takes hold, then they end up paying more in alimony and support. It's like blowing up a grenade in your own face. You've already been hurt enough. If there was another spouse involved, I would agree to let them know except for the fact that the other spouse may expose and it would create the same situation. Use your anger and disappointment constructively


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AloneandLost said:


> Okay. First of all, thank you for the immense support. I saw a lot of varying things. Not gonna lie, a couple of the quarrels between users were funny.
> 
> ** Feb 10. The day after I found everything**
> 
> ...


A couple of thoughts.

First next time you talk to your attorney, ask what the laws are to have a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and tape a conversation with your wife as you don't trust what she might accuse you of without a witness present. In some states if is a serious crime to voice record someone without their permission.

Second, ask the attorney about short term and long term custody of your daughters, especially your 13 year old as some of the recent text message you have from her indicate she may have been drinking heavily. Also ask if from a child support basis, what would happen and how you could legally arrange for you to be their care giving parent. Also let him know that they have told you their mother "kicked" out the oldest and now the three oldest are living with your sister. There are all important details as you prepare for divorce that they attorney should be aware of. 

Third, while your soon to be ex may disgust you and you many never want to see her again, you need to stop that line of thinking and move toward acceptance that your marriage is dead. When your daughters do get married, you want to be there on their special days to support them in their new family. So if you are lucky, you and your wife will both be in the reception line but not next to each other. You will have to see your wife again because of your 13 year old daughter. The quicker you get past anger, the better things will be for your daughters and you. Keep saying those affirmations! "She is a human being, who is flawed and struggling with the temptations of life. She has done wrong, but she has the potential to rebuild her life, just not with you. While you can never trust her again or remain married to you, you once loved her and she blessed your life with 4 daughters. You forgive her, but she must live with the consequences of what she has done."

Fourth, at some point you need to figure out a sustainable living situation. Again, talk to your attorney about joint bank accounts, credit cards, bills (especially those in your name), etc. Make sure you don't get your credit rating destroyed because of a missed major bills. I suggest that you start looking for large apartments or for a house you can rent. Get a feel for what is out there. Then talk to all your daughters, probably with your sister and ask them how much extra room you should get and ask them if they would like to live mostly with you, mostly with your mom or some of each. Remember that where they live could determine which school district they can legally go to or which school and school friendships may be very important to them, especially now.

Fifth, don't put your daughters in any position where they feel a need to take sides in this. Don't bad mouth your soon to be ex-wife in front of them any more. Mentor them on how decent people, even when they are in pain, behave. Leading by example is the best course of action. They are probably very upset with their mother, and have every right to be. However, she will always be their mother. In years when she gets her head back together, she will still love her daughers as a mother. You need to remind your daughters of that. That will be hard, because they feel guilty and want to say things to make you feel they are on your side. Again, this is the perfect time to show them what a quality man looks like, the kind that they should search for in their life. Yes, it was good that you told your 3 oldest that there are other options than cheating. Keep up the mentoring, they need it. This will be very hard, especially when you discuss with them questions of custody, in particular your 13-year old. She is the one that will likely need the most help.

Have you talked to your attorney about how in the divorce settlement if might be possible to carve out some of the assets to be put into a trust for the child support, education costs, and weddings of your 4 daughters in a way that both you and your wife contribute to the funds and don't get to draw from them.

Good luck.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Good job. If my wife did this I would 100% divorce her swiftly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

GaLaxya said:


> REDACTED


Its pretty obvious, and was anyway to many of us, that his teenage daughters were being manipulated and lied to by their mum.
They are innocent victims in this. They carry no blame at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> your attorney is very intelligent.
> 
> That is true in a lot of cases. People get their spouse fired before the divorce takes hold, then they end up paying more in alimony and support. It's like blowing up a grenade in your own face. You've already been hurt enough. If there was another spouse involved, I would agree to let them know except for the fact that the other spouse may expose and it would create the same situation. Use your anger and disappointment constructively


Agreed. If the stbx lost her job it would also badly effect the children so I don't see any point in doing it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SRCSRC said:


> I would suggest that you keep contact with your wife to a minimum. No good will come from a confrontation. She will lie, obfuscate, beg, blame everything and everyone under the sun, cry, plead, and blame-shift. All total ******. It will only make you angrier. I would check with your attorney on how best to protect yourself financially. She could go clean out your mutual bank accounts if she knows the marriage is a lost cause. I'd remove half of the assets immediately and put them in a separate account. Once this is done, tell her that you will only discuss details concerning the dissolution of the marriage and present living arrangements until a permanent resolution of family assets are determined. Don't give her the opportunity to do or say anything. She doesn't deserve it.


Made me roll my eyes when she said she wanted to explain, I mean what is there to explain about an affair that lasted over a year, with several of those months after she promised the daughters that it would stop. Not only did she cheat but she lied to the girls, manipulated them not to tell their dad and generally behaved terribly.


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## AloneandLost (11 mo ago)

GaLaxya said:


> REDACTED


How am I not doing a good job? I literally gave them the bare info. I didn’t talk down on her, fill their heads with bad stuff about her, nor did I make my kids keep a huge secret. Also I disagree with not telling them how you feel. I’m not in the boat of suppression of feelings. I can tell them that I was disappointed, that’s parenting. A kid does something bad, even with good intention, and you tell them that you are disappointed while still showing them you love and care about them. Is that not parenting? I never said anything is alright with my children. I know this a traumatic experience for them. I will be looking into counselors for them to help them through this. Also I don’t want them to pick sides. I don’t want to be with my wife, but that’s still their mother, so I don’t want them to be without that relationship. I’m venting about my situation, of course, but don’t say that I’m not thinking of my daughters.


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## AloneandLost (11 mo ago)

GaLaxya said:


> REDACTED
> 
> Don't use them to pick your side and make your wife feel bad. Be there fpr your daughters. At the end they are the biggest loosers when you guys seperate.


also I’ve done nothing to harm my kids mental health. I had a conversation with them. We all hung out today. I never brought their mother up or bad mouthed her. And when they tried, I shut it down. I don’t know why you made such rash assumptions of me, but thinking that I’m doing anything to harm my daughters when all I want for them now is to move forward and think about school is preposterous to me.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

AloneandLost said:


> How am I not doing a good job? I literally gave them the bare info. I didn’t talk down on her, fill their heads with bad stuff about her, nor did I make my kids keep a huge secret. Also I disagree with not telling them how you feel. I’m not in the boat of suppression of feelings. I can tell them that I was disappointed, that’s parenting. A kid does something bad, even with good intention, and you tell them that you are disappointed while still showing them you love and care about them. Is that not parenting? I never said anything is alright with my children. I know this a traumatic experience for them. I will be looking into counselors for them to help them through this. Also I don’t want them to pick sides. I don’t want to be with my wife, but that’s still their mother, so I don’t want them to be without that relationship. I’m venting about my situation, of course, but don’t say that I’m not thinking of my daughters.





AloneandLost said:


> also I’ve done nothing to harm my kids mental health. I had a conversation with them. We all hung out today. I never brought their mother up or bad mouthed her. And when they tried, I shut it down. I don’t know why you made such rash assumptions of me, but thinking that I’m doing anything to harm my daughters when all I want for them now is to move forward and think about school is preposterous to me.


You don't need to listen or explain yourself to the posts that are unfairly negative or actual attacks. Just scroll past them to the ones that DO help you.

For the record, I don't believe that ANY other poster on your two threads agrees with THAT person.
They were completely WRONG as far as I'm confused. 

If anyone is being "emotionally abused", it's YOU by HER, as well as what she's done to her daughters!


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

AloneandLost said:


> She’d apologize profusely and beg me to come home so she could explain everything one second, and then a few moments later, seem angry at me and tell me that I’m traumatizing the children, gonna ruin the family, being selfish, and that she felt lonely, all before going back to “remorseful”. Im divorcing her.



It is really interesting that your soon-to-be-ex told you that she thought she could explain it all away quickly. This makes me wonder if she thought lowly of your intelligence. 

As people have suggested, it's best if you communicate through third parties i.e. attorneys with her. That'll sort a whole lot of headaches down the road.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Alone, I think you did a great job with how you dealt with your daughters. You are handling this whole situation so well for someone that just found out. You are a way ahead of where most betrayed would be. Keep moving ahead and concentrate on doing what you need to in order to heal.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AloneandLost said:


> also I’ve done nothing to harm my kids mental health. I had a conversation with them. We all hung out today. I never brought their mother up or bad mouthed her. And when they tried, I shut it down. I don’t know why you made such rash assumptions of me, but thinking that I’m doing anything to harm my daughters when all I want for them now is to move forward and think about school is preposterous to me.


IGNORE responses like this. Whatever this person said it was just jibbery, nonsense.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

OP, sounds like you are doing the best job you can with the situation. Ignore the accusatory posts. 
Keep your attorney in the loop and follow the attorney’s advice. I still recommend some family counseling for you and your daughters going forward. It’s going to be a rough ride for all of you. I think it will also help them deal with their mom running off the rails as it seems she is doing. A safe place for the girls to talk things out with independent 3rd party will help them. They will need coping strategies to get thru this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

From what you’ve posted you are doing well. You seem to have yourself in charge/control which is a very big deal under this very crappy situation. 👍


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

AloneandLost said:


> How am I not doing a good job? I literally gave them the bare info. I didn’t talk down on her, fill their heads with bad stuff about her, nor did I make my kids keep a huge secret. Also I disagree with not telling them how you feel. I’m not in the boat of suppression of feelings. I can tell them that I was disappointed, that’s parenting. A kid does something bad, even with good intention, and you tell them that you are disappointed while still showing them you love and care about them. Is that not parenting? I never said anything is alright with my children. I know this a traumatic experience for them. I will be looking into counselors for them to help them through this. Also I don’t want them to pick sides. I don’t want to be with my wife, but that’s still their mother, so I don’t want them to be without that relationship. I’m venting about my situation, of course, but don’t say that I’m not thinking of my daughters.


I know you want to be neutral and protect your WW wife's relationship with her daughters but she manipulated them and cheated on you. Why are you protecting her ? . You handle it. I wish the best for you but now your daughters are defending you and you are shutting them up while your WW will still manipulate them to turn on you.

Bad move. I am out of this thread. Sorry about your situation


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

> He said that many people will want to report their wife to the job for this, getting her and they AP fired. But he said that because she makes a good amount of money, it would be better to hold off on that until after the divorce, because any payment I’ll have to make to her will be significantly less with her current salary. So that was interesting.


This sounds wise, you and your lawyer and thinking clearly, good for you.

Sorry, I can't remember and couldn't find it in your posts, is the other man married? If so, I think his wife should learn all about his exploits with your wife over the last year.

Don't you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AloneandLost said:


> Okay. First of all, thank you for the immense support. I saw a lot of varying things. Not gonna lie, a couple of the quarrels between users were funny.
> 
> ** Feb 10. The day after I found everything**
> 
> ...


This all sounds good op. I am very sorry this happened to you but as this stuff goes you are headed in the right direction. When you do see her don't fall for the water works or long letters of sorrow. Also don't fall for the I was lonely bit. They all have excuses. Fact is somewhere along the line she completely disregarded her family, you and her daughters like garbage, and you can do better then that.

As far as your daughters, just be honest about your wife and take the high road. Your wife has been delighting herself rolling around in the garbage, it won't be hard for your daughters to see and smell who she is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AloneandLost said:


> also I’ve done nothing to harm my kids mental health. I had a conversation with them. We all hung out today. I never brought their mother up or bad mouthed her. And when they tried, I shut it down. I don’t know why you made such rash assumptions of me, but thinking that I’m doing anything to harm my daughters when all I want for them now is to move forward and think about school is preposterous to me.


Dude just ignore your wife's posts.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

sideways said:


> Good to hear from you OP.
> 
> I guess this is also a lesson to those of you who suggested that OP cut his children out of his life. Maybe wait to have all of the facts before you make such an outlandish suggestion. "They should suffer consequences"?? These kids have suffered enough for crying out loud and they should have NEVER been put in this position!!
> 
> ...


Thank you! I am really glad he is taking a stand and doing what he thinks is best for himself. 

But some of the suggestions about cutting out his kids and saying they need to face consequences was in my opinion just jaw dropping bad. I myself suspected they were just trolls trying to get a reaction. There was one user and I will not say who, that I believe deserves a trophy for horrible parenting skills if they actually follow the advice they posted.

I absolutely couldn't imagine a parent who disowned their kid for something like this. I also can't imagine making a kid face some kind of consequence for a situation like this.


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## georgel316000 (Nov 3, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Talk with your lawyer to make sure that leaving and staying away from your house won’t hurt you in the divorce.
> 
> And it’s not like you couldn’t drag the marital bed and couch out to a burn pile in the backyard. 🤷🏻‍♂️
> 
> Also, I’d swear I saw this on Reddit.


I think it's the same guy. He told me on Reddit that he posted here on TAM.


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## georgel316000 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alone, you're doing a great job. Your daughters will come out fine. What the lawyer said about you not getting your wife fired makes sense if you plan on divorcing your wife.......until after the divorce is final. Try to be "nice" with your wife so that she would be willing to work with you and try not to take everything from you and make a long drawn out divorce process. After the divorce is finalize.....then explode her affair to her job and everyone. Now, if you want to save your marriage then it make sense for your ww to leave her job. Keep moving forward. Please keep us up to date.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> I know you want to be neutral and protect your WW wife's relationship with her daughters but she manipulated them and cheated on you. Why are you protecting her ? Look, I don't give a F anymore. You handle it. I wish the best for you but now your daughters are defending you and you are shutting them up while your WW will still manipulate them to turn on you.
> 
> Bad move. I am out of this thread. Sorry about your situation but it's all on you.
> 
> Peace out


He isnt protecting her, he ios thinking of his daughters. Remember he also has a 13 year old who may well be totally confused and devastated having just found out.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

All of your daughters are of age to decide who they want to live with after the divorce. Don’t be shy about them living with you if that is what they want. Talk with them about this, if they chose to live with you support them in doing so. I would suggest offering that all 4 live with you and visit their mom when they feel like doing so. Their relationship with their mother is severely damaged right now. It will take years for them to fix it. Don’t rush it. Don’t invalidate how they feel, they need to feel safe talking with you about it. Don’t correct them if they say some bad things about their mom, they need to get that out. 

You did a fantastic job with your kids when talking with them. Keep it up.

I agree with the lawyer, don’t do anything about your wife’s job. Once the divorce is finally finished burn her affair partner by reporting that he had a affair with your STBXW. He deserves some pain for his involvement. Your STBX was the one that shouldn’t have betrayed you, not him.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

AloneandLost said:


> also I’ve done nothing to harm my kids mental health. I had a conversation with them. We all hung out today. I never brought their mother up or bad mouthed her. And when they tried, I shut it down. I don’t know why you made such rash assumptions of me, but thinking that I’m doing anything to harm my daughters when all I want for them now is to move forward and think about school is preposterous to me.


As far as I can see you are handling this all as perfectly as possible under the worst circumstances.

I admire your strength.

Please keep posting. We are here to help. Not everyone will be helpful but those insights that are supportive to you can be very valuable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABHale said:


> All of your daughters are of age to decide who they want to live with after the divorce. Don’t be shy about them living with you if that is what they want. Talk with them about this, if they chose to live with you support them in doing so. I would suggest offering that all 4 live with you and visit their mom when they feel like doing so. Their relationship with their mother is severely damaged right now. It will take years for them to fix it. Don’t rush it. Don’t invalidate how they feel, they need to feel safe talking with you about it. Don’t correct them if they say some bad things about their mom, they need to get that out.
> 
> You did a fantastic job with your kids when talking with them. Keep it up.
> 
> I agree with the lawyer, don’t do anything about your wife’s job. Once the divorce is finally finished burn her affair partner by reporting that he had a affair with your STBXW. He deserves some pain for his involvement. Your STBX was the one that shouldn’t have betrayed you, not him.


Not sure the 13 year old will have a choice but the others certainly will.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AloneandLost said:


> How am I not doing a good job? I literally gave them the bare info.* I didn’t talk down on her, fill their heads with bad stuff about her*, nor did I make my kids keep a huge secret. *Also I disagree with not telling them how you feel. *I’m not in the boat of suppression of feelings. *I can tell them that I was disappointed, that’s parenting. *A kid does something bad, even with good intention, and *you tell them that you are disappointed w*hile still showing them you love and care about them. Is that not parenting? I never said anything is alright with my children. I know this a traumatic experience for them. *I will be looking into counselors for them to help them through this.* *Also I don’t want them to pick sides. I don’t want to be with my wife, *but that’s still their mother, so I don’t want them to be without that relationship. I’m venting about my situation, of course, but don’t say that I’m not thinking of my daughters.





AloneandLost said:


> also I’ve done nothing to harm my kids mental health. I had a conversation with them. We all hung out today. I never brought their mother up or bad mouthed her. And when they tried, I shut it down. I don’t know why you made such rash assumptions of me, but thinking that I’m doing anything to harm my daughters when all I want for them now is to move forward and think about school is preposterous to me.


Obviously, these comments upset you deeply, which is your choice. I wold like you to take a moment and back away from your situation and think about what is happening in general.

If is no uncommon for children of divorcing parents to imagine that they had some role in the divorce of their parents and have some responsibility. Considering that at least three of your four daughters caught their mom cheating and didn't tell you. It would be very logical for them to try to take some of the blame onto themselves. They are children (three close to adult), but still children, they are not therr to parent their mother, punish their mother, nor turn their mother in for you to punish. Let me repeat that, they are children not the parents in this relationship. Yes, you can be disappointed they didn't tell you, but you should be very careful in expressing that. If you express that too strongly, if may make them feel guilty like they has some role in why their parents are divorcing. 

Your idea of counseling for your daughters is a great idea. Make sure that the counselor knows you will paying for it, but if at any time if the counselor or any of your daughters would like to you leave the room so that they can talk about something particularly sensitive, that you fully support that.

You can absolutely tell your children that you are emotionally hurting and need to heal. However, you need to be careful in how you do it, as it is not their responsibility to comfort and emotionally support you in your time of crisis. You are the parent (there may come a day much later in life, not not now). At least that is my opinion. Yes the three oldest are probably close to mature enough to at least somewhat comprehend what you are going through, but have no real idea about the utter loss one would feel after a 22 year marriage is blown up. They really don't have the life experiences yet to identify with your pain and mentor you in your grieving for your lost marriage. Use your brother and sister and friends for emotional support. Enjoy the support and love you get from your daughters, but be careful in becoming dependent on it and encouraging it. It should not be an obligation nor a way of penance on their part.

Now let's get back to your relationship with your soon to be ex wife. There is no excuse for what she did. You don't need to hide what she did from other adults. However, you need to take a step back and think about human nature. Your soon to be ex wife knows she made a really bad mistake. Her life is unraveling before her eyes. Three of her 4 daughters have left her and are staying with your sister. That has to be a hell of a shock for any mother. Lord knows what is going within the mind of the 13 year old, how traumatized she is or the egg shells your soon to be ex wife is walking on around her. Your 13 year old daughter is the closest thing your soon to be ex wife has to an emotional lifeline to the life she formerly lived. Your 13 year old daughter probably knows that in some way and is likely torn in what she should do. It is horrible to be a 13 year old and feel you are responsible form keeping a parent mentally happy.

In such a situation, typically, people will try to say what they did was not so bad, that they had a good reason to do what they did, that they were the victim of someone else or circumstances. Your soon to be ex wife is going to try to either rewrite history or explain to you (her children, her family, her friends) her justification as to why she is not a really bad person. 

You have made your mind up to divorce her. You don't have to try to be her parent, as she is an adult. You don't have to try to be her counselor. You owe her nothing to try to educate her on how horrible her behavior she was. Walk away from her and don't look back, with the exception of your children. And as much as it might be enjoyable, you don't need to rub her nose in how bad she behaved. In fact there is a lot to be said for not trying to extract revenge from her, no matter how justified if may feel. Those are very natural feelings and will require a lot of inner strength on your part to not give into. And above all, know that she will lash out at you in rage to say this is your fault and to start arguments with you so she will justified in her hatred toward you for destory her life. Yes, she will "save face" by making the divorce your fault in her mind. Don't get angry when she tries to do that let her anger bounce off you. Smile, tell her your marriage is over and walk away. 

The next time you talk to the three oldest daughters ask them to do you two favors. First tell them to reach out to their younger sister as she is likely in an emotionally difficult situation. Praise them, that they are close to being adults, but that their younger sister has a lot less experience with life. As such, you want to reach out to her and be there for all of them to talk to if there is anything they want to talk about. In fact you actively want to be there so you can provide them with parental advice and share some insights and lessons you have learned over the years. The second favor is for any of them if for any reason want to talk to you or share emotions or fears they are having; you want to be there for them and talk to the. Let all of them know that they can count on you. They have seen their father and mother move toward divorce. They have seen the anger at time both have exhibited to each other. They will naturally fear that rather than counting on rock solid love from you that they might trigger something that would cause you to no longer love them or ever want to see them. While unreasonable from an adult perspective, children don't know what to trust.

Again. Good luck. You have a lot to do and you need to do it quickly. You need to focus on establishing some level of "normalcy" and sustainability in your life. You need it for you, so that you heal quickly and have the energy to fight for and support your daughters. Your daughters also need to see that you are strong and so they have a strong father figure they can run to when the changes going on get too much for them.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I would not shut down your daughters criticism of their mother. They rightly have an issue with her. I would think they may feel like you do not think they are justified in being hurt, since you are shutting them down on it. They were likewise victims of their mothers manipulation and adulterous behavior.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

wmn1 said:


> I know you want to be neutral and protect your WW wife's relationship with her daughters but she manipulated them and cheated on you. Why are you protecting her ? . You handle it. I wish the best for you but now your daughters are defending you and you are shutting them up while your WW will still manipulate them to turn on you.
> 
> Bad move. I am out of this thread. Sorry about your situation


@AloneandLost I understand where you are coming from. I completely agree with you that all your kids need therapy. All the kids including the 13 year old. That'll help them sort out their feelings for their mom with the help of a trained professional. 

You shutting down your kids when they are expressing their frustration because you don't want them to pick sides can have two possible detrimental effects. I hear you that you don't want them to not have any relationship with their mother. I get that. But she is the one who has significantly and possibly irreparably harmed her relationship with the kids by her manipulation and lies. 

The detrimental effects that I was talking about are these: 

First of all you shutting down your kids will essentially deny an outlet of frustration for them. Also, have you ever told a teenager not to do something? What happened then?  I think they are trying in their own ways to sympathize with you. They are showing that they are in the same boat and now that they know what their mother did to the family and lied to them about it, they are expressing their anger and frustration of her betrayal.

Secondly, you trying to shut them down when they are expression their frustration will in a way could be construed as you condoning your wife's choices up to a certain extent. Kids at that age still tend to look at things in black and white and they don't have the life's experience to understand the nuances and all the shades of gray in between. 

So, If I may suggest, it might help them in expressing their frustration and having a therapist talk to them would help them immensely. My worry is that at this point they may be scared to express their true feelings in front of you. Please assuage them of any such concerns and please let them know that they can always speak freely with you and that they can come to you anytime whenever they have an issue. 

Good luck! Your wife is a lost cause. I hope that you expose her affair far and wide. That'll help avoid the problem of her tailoring the narrative to suit her own needs. Hey, she successfully lied to you and the kids, kept up with the pretenses that everything is great and now crying a storm because she got found out. I wouldn't put it past her to portray you as a soulless monster who kick puppies every morning and lock her up in a dungeon.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just get divorced and move forward with your life. That’s the only way to get out of the pain. You have a good head on your shoulders; you’ve already handled this as good as any man could have. You don’t need any advice. 
just know you’re not alone and this happens far more often than you’d ever know. We here will be glad to listen.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> *I would not shut down your daughters criticism of their mother. They rightly have an issue with her. I would think they may feel like you do not think they are justified in being hurt, *since you are shutting them down on it. They were likewise victims of their mothers manipulation and adulterous behavior.


I totally agree. Let your daughters express their emotions and anger. Their mother also betrayed them . Not just by lying to them and encouraging them to lie to their father through omission but she continued to use the family home as a hotel. The family home is their sanctuary and she cheapened it. Talk about tarnishing the family memories that were built over the years.


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## AloneandLost (11 mo ago)

Asterix said:


> @AloneandLost I understand where you are coming from. I completely agree with you that all your kids need therapy. All the kids including the 13 year old. That'll help them sort out their feelings for their mom with the help of a trained professional.
> 
> You shutting down your kids when they are expressing their frustration because you don't want them to pick sides can have two possible detrimental effects. I hear you that you don't want them to not have any relationship with their mother. I get that. But she is the one who has significantly and possibly irreparably harmed her relationship with the kids by her manipulation and lies.
> 
> ...


 I let them talk to me. I don’t make them keep it in. They were bad mouthing her using words that I didn’t want them to use. THATS what I shut down. But then expressing how they feel is something I always allow them to do


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don’t see any reason to talk to your cheating wife. Just file for divorce and that should let her know what your intentions are.

Good job not talking bad about the mom to your kids - that hurts them - they know who she is all on their own.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You are doing the right thing with your girls. 

I am concerned regarding your wife.

Generally when an affair is discovered, it ends. Your wife's affair continued.

The fact your wife through your oldest our of the house is a big concern.

The fact your wife is saying that you are traumatizing your kids rather than what she has done is delusional.

I recommend you file to protect yourself given she sees nothing wrong in anything she has done. She appears to be the type who would falsely accuse you of abuse. Filing will help defend against that.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

And I’d at least request full custody of your kids. 

You
May not get it but I’d request it.


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

AloneandLost said:


> also I’ve done nothing to harm my kids mental health. I had a conversation with them. We all hung out today. I never brought their mother up or bad mouthed her. And when they tried, I shut it down. I don’t know why you made such rash assumptions of me, but thinking that I’m doing anything to harm my daughters when all I want for them now is to move forward and think about school is preposterous to me.


Wow, this forum is sick. My post got deleted.

You said you are reminding your daughters of the hurt you are feeling. This is what my post was based on. But TAM obviously deletes threads to control opinions.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

GaLaxya said:


> Wow, this forum is sick. My post got deleted.
> 
> You said you are reminding your daughters of the hurt you are feeling. This is what my post was based on. But TAM obviously deletes threads to control opinions.


Dude: you must lack in reading comprehension, plus your post was nothing but jibbery and nonsense. None of the nonsense you wrote applies to what OP was saying.

I don’t know if you have children or not, but if we were to go by your logic, no child would ever learn the realities of life. No child would ever be exposed to how life really is, and their views of the world would not only be naive, but most importantly, they wouldn't learn the lessons that life teaches you with the daily exposures from which to learn.
And no, TAM is not sick. You have no idea how limited you are in other forums with their draconian rules. TAM is in my opinion one of the most relaxed as far as forum rules that there is. 
Tell me, give me a real logical explanation where OP telling his daughters of the hurt he's feeling is in any way damaging psychologically and emotionally his daughters. QUITE THE CONTRARY, his daughters seeing his pain and disappointment is if anything a teaching moment, a lesson, an experience to these kids, so that they do not repeat something like this ever in their life.

Your butt hurt comment is nothing but a manifestation of you skewed and nonsensical views.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GaLaxya said:


> Wow, this forum is sick. My post got deleted.
> 
> You said you are reminding your daughters of the hurt you are feeling. This is what my post was based on. But TAM obviously deletes threads to control opinions.


*Moderator notice:- *Your post was deleted because it was not in keeping with the rules of TAM. Opinions aren't controlled by TAM. But posts that are not in keeping with the rules of TAM run the risk of being edited or deleted by the moderation team. And other moderation actions are an option.


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## AloneandLost (11 mo ago)

GaLaxya said:


> Wow, this forum is sick. My post got deleted.
> 
> You said you are reminding your daughters of the hurt you are feeling. This is what my post was based on. But TAM obviously deletes threads to control opinions.


Yes, that’s not traumatizing them. It’s me expressing how I feel, but you’re purposefully skipping the part where I said I love them no matter what, and comforted them.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Alone, don't waste your time replying to those that are not being helpful. You don't owe anyone here anything. You can actually put anyone you want on ignore. I hope you are ok and still moving forward.


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## mymomsnew20 (12 mo ago)

Sorry


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## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

@AloneandLost To address your insecurities regarding your place in the family, let me tell you that good father's are indispensable. Men and women parent differently. While my mom knew what homework I had due, my father never knew what grade I was in, or anything beyond I'm doing well in school.
But to this day, he remembers the name of the kid that I had a really bad fight with, all my favorite soccer teams, the first Jersey I asked him to buy, my favorites cartoon heroes, and every single time I've been in serious trouble. When I started bullying a kid on the bus home in 4th grade (he owned the company that rented out the buses to schools in my home country), he told the driver to punish me by having me sit on the single chair that was right next to the driver and to inform me that was my father's decision. I stopped that ******** real quick. Good father's are irreplaceable and your children love you beyond measure, as I love my dad.

While this is one of the more egregious stories of infidelity I've read, it gives you an opportunity to teach your children how to handle tremendously difficult things in life. While I do wish the teaching moment was a different one, I believe this can be invaluable depending on how you handle it. I've seen far too many sheltered and unchallenged kids and adults, who fall apart when life becomes seriously difficult. I can't blame them.

Make sure they know that any time they make a mistake, the best thing to do is to come to you, and to be honest about it. Vast majority of times, first mistakes can be much easier to handle than the 10th one. See if you can make sure they have a great female role model in their life, wether it is an aunt, cousin, or a grandmother.

They're likely going to be very angry at their mom, and have very negative feelings towards her because they know that what tore this family apart was only her fault. While there can be many problems in a marriage, few things can lead to a swift ending, and infidelity is one. Allow them to feel that anger, and find healthy ways to deal with is important. A good counselor will be very helpful on this.

Lastly, I personally believe that there are very few cases where staying after infidelity is a good intermediate to long term strategy and even in those cases it's a great risk. Yours is not one of those. Divorce your wife, and move on. If over many years she becomes a changed person, and shows to you that she is deserving of being your girlfriend, you can begin dating her but until then this marriage is over.

Best wishes to you. You have handled this so much better than I thought possible.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

GaLaxya said:


> Wow, this forum is sick. My post got deleted.
> 
> You said you are reminding your daughters of the hurt you are feeling. This is what my post was based on. But TAM obviously deletes threads to control opinions.


They will delete antagonistic posts which is what you are posting. 

There's always someone that wants to nitpick the BS to tell them how horrible they are.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Not sure the 13 year old will have a choice but the others certainly will.


Depending on the state, a 13 year old can make that decision. I did when I was 12, I went to live with my dad permanently.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

I am glad you are communicating well with your daughters. Right now they should be furious with their mother. It sounds like they are. Over time, you will want them to have a relationship with her again. But that is all on her to make happen.

what are your next steps? Have you decided to work with a lawyer now? Or wait a while? Have you found a trauma therapist to work with? I believe that to be important support for you to have.

please continue to post. While you won’t agree with everyone’s thoughts here, there are many ideas that will help you. And it’s good to have a community of people who know what you are going through on your side.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AloneandLost said:


> Yes, that’s not traumatizing them. It’s me expressing how I feel, but you’re purposefully skipping the part where I said I love them no matter what, and comforted them.


I think you are doing the right thing.


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## georgel316000 (Nov 3, 2021)

I hope you are doing well. Any updates?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

How are you doing Alone?


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

IMO you are doing the right thing in divorcing her. She deserves it. Not just for her cheating, which alone is more than enough reason. But for involving her children in her torrid affair. If they never spoke to her again I would understand.

Let her memories of her lover keep her warm at night. Alone, in an empty house. With no husband and children to make it a home. A divorced single mom, with a history of cheating. I doubt she will be finding a replacement for you anytime soon.

You on the other hand may be surprised by how many women appreciate an honest, hardworking man.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Any update?


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## Aqwerty (11 mo ago)

GusPolinski said:


> Talk with your lawyer to make sure that leaving and staying away from your house won’t hurt you in the divorce.
> 
> And it’s not like you couldn’t drag the marital bed and couch out to a burn pile in the backyard. 🤷🏻‍♂️
> 
> Also, I’d swear I saw this on Reddit.





Zedd said:


> Someone posted in the other thread that he/she directed OP here from reddit.


Can you share 🙏🙏the post plz


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## Aqwerty (11 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> Someone posted in the other thread that he/she directed OP here from reddit.





GusPolinski said:


> Talk with your lawyer to make sure that leaving and staying away from your house won’t hurt you in the divorce.
> 
> And it’s not like you couldn’t drag the marital bed and couch out to a burn pile in the backyard. 🤷🏻‍♂️
> 
> Also, I’d swear I saw this on Reddit.


Can you share the post


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

There are two cardinal sins here. The first obviously is the betrayal, and the second was involving the children. I know from experience when this occurs, it forever changes the family, no matter how many times the children apologize, it FOREVER changes the relationship. Trust is fragile, and betrayal from your children is near impossible to eradicate from your psyche. Therefore, involving the kids, seriously changes the relationship no matter who pays lip service to it not effecting the relationship forever.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@AloneandLost: thinking of you. Any update? Did you finally confronted your wife?


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