# Life regrets



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I had only one not only sexual but even romantic partner in my life - my wife. I never dated, kissed or even held hands with any other woman. When I was young I was very shy and awkward around girls and I hate myself for being such.

I am married to most beautiful and sexy woman in the world, I cherish every day and every moment I am with her. I can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want. But with all of this my whole life I carry somewhere deep inside me these regrets that I never experienced that dynamic exciting romantic and sexual exploration period appropriate when someone is young and not yet in committed relationship. Moreover even with my wife we never actually dated as boyfriend and girlfriend, we developed that deep love when we were living far away from each other, then we moved in together already as fiancé and fiancée and got married several months later. 

I think sometimes how it actually feels to be with another woman, what that young crazy no-strings-attached sex feels like. Most of our friends who are now in committed marriages went through this period and I did not. I hate myself for these thoughts, I feel internal shame, guilt for my wife but I cannot get rid of them.

Just to be clear. I am not going to cheat on my wife, never did and will never do. I am responsible adult and understand those times are long gone and there is no way to recoup them.

My wife before she felt in love with me did have few relationship and sexual encounters. There was time when I was jealous about this. But later I actually feel happy for her, happy she experienced life at fullest and best when it was time to do this.

Those few who are have only one partner in their life or may be two partners, do you have the same feelings as if you missed something in life?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You say one thing but I believe you think something else .... you can’t hold that over your wife’s head. It’s your issue not hers.

I met my wife at 13 .... We have been with no other. Men are men and we think about men things .... that’s just life. I’ll take my flesh and blood wife over some imaginary “hot sex” that probably exist only in my mind to begin with.

I have no regrets...... I’ll take my hot little wife 😁


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I had only one not only sexual but even romantic partner in my life - my wife. I never dated, kissed or even held hands with any other woman. When I was young I was very shy and awkward around girls and I hate myself for being such.
> 
> I am married to most beautiful and sexy woman in the world, I cherish every day and every moment I am with her. I can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want. But with all of this my whole life I carry somewhere deep inside me these regrets that I never experienced that dynamic exciting romantic and sexual exploration period appropriate when someone is young and not yet in committed relationship. Moreover even with my wife we never actually dated as boyfriend and girlfriend, we developed that deep love when we were living far away from each other, then we moved in together already as fiancé and fiancée and got married several months later.
> 
> ...


No never had that neither does my husband. We were both married before, both quite young, me 19 he 25, but not once have I regretted not having had lots of sexual partners. In fact I wish he had been my one and only in life.

I am lucky to know quite a few married couples who met very young and married young. All well over 60 now and all still very happily married.

I see little point in regret, it achieves nothing except discontentment.
Be grateful for the lovely wife and happy marriage you have, many never achieve that.That is worth far far more than a few dates and casual sex.
It's like comparing a three course meal with an old dry cracker. Who do you yearn for a dry cracker?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I had only one not only sexual but even romantic partner in my life - my wife. I never dated, kissed or even held hands with any other woman. When I was young I was very shy and awkward around girls and I hate myself for being such.
> 
> I am married to most beautiful and sexy woman in the world, I cherish every day and every moment I am with her. I can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want. But with all of this my whole life I carry somewhere deep inside me these regrets that I never experienced that dynamic exciting romantic and sexual exploration period appropriate when someone is young and not yet in committed relationship. Moreover even with my wife we never actually dated as boyfriend and girlfriend, we developed that deep love when we were living far away from each other, then we moved in together already as fiancé and fiancée and got married several months later.
> 
> ...


There's nothing that you can do with a different woman that you can't do with your wife. Especially if you "can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want". This isn't worrying about the half empty glass but worrying about a full glass that someone has taken a sip out of. Have that wild and crazy sex with your wife and count your blessings.

I had a similar background to yours when I married the first person I went on a third date with. I was a bit ahead of you in experience I guess because a girl had kissed me on the cheek once before meeting my wife but that's really it. I regretted some of my early loneliness but not having only been with my wife. Like I alluded to in the previous paragraph, there's nothing that I could do with another woman that I couldn't do with my wife.

If you were single there's no guarantee that you'd get to have that sex that you're fantasizing about anyway. If you've never really dated before, there's a good chance that you'd be just as alone single now as you were before getting engaged.

Edit: I'm single now and have to name a year when saying the last time I had sex. Think about _that_ for a minute the next time you're worrying about the sex you didn't have before your wife.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So let’s dissect this a little. You were so bad at dating that you had to do it long distance because you were so shy of actual women and the distance was your protection. What makes you think your going to be some kind of pu$$y killer now? Your threads come off as a guy wondering around lost in his head. Your not going to be pounding much booty like that. You best stick to that wife of yours ... she sound like a winner anyways.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Hiner112 said:


> There's nothing that you can do with a different woman that you can't do with your wife. Especially if you "can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want". This isn't worrying about the half empty glass but worrying about a full glass that someone has taken a sip out of. Have that wild and crazy sex with your wife and count your blessings.
> 
> I had a similar background to yours when I married the first person I went on a third date with. I was a bit ahead of you in experience I guess because a girl had kissed me on the cheek once before meeting my wife but that's really it. I regretted some of my early loneliness but not having only been with my wife. Like I alluded to in the previous paragraph, there's nothing that I could do with another woman that I couldn't do with my wife.
> 
> ...


I am not trying to "relive" the time that is long gone. It is not possible. I will never been a teenager again and it is not possible to experience that teen or early romance and sexual discovery. I will never go to first date, experience that first kiss, crazy sex in the back of my parents' car. Yes, we go on the dates, we kiss all the time and we can even try to have sex in the back of our car. But it is not the same.

I do not regret even for a moment my life with my wife. I am the happiest man in the world and nothing can change or affect it. My regrets about what I missed _before _our life together. I do not blame my wife

I read interesting saying lately that I think reflects my life:

_"When I was 5 everyone had bikes and I did not have one. Now I am driving very expensive car and can get any bike I want. But all this does not negate and cannot change the fact I did not have a bike when I was five and all my friends had it."_


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> So let’s dissect this a little. You were so bad at dating that you had to do it long distance because you were so shy of actual women and the distance was your protection. What makes you think your going to be some kind of pu$$y killer now? Your threads come off as a guy wondering around lost in his head. Your not going to be pounding much booty like that. You best stick to that wife of yours ... she sound like a winner anyways.


Where did you find in my post that I am trying or even thinking about "doing anything with other women"? I clearly stated that I am not trying or thinking about cheating on my wife. If you offer my 1000 hottest sexiest women I would not exchange them for even one night with my wife.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Where did you find in my post that I am trying or even thinking about "doing anything with other women"? I clearly stated that I am not trying or thinking about cheating on my wife. If you offer my 1000 hottest sexiest women I would not exchange them for even one night with my wife.


I didn’t say you were .... just what your wondering over.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I had only one not only sexual but even romantic partner in my life - my wife. I never dated, kissed or even held hands with any other woman. When I was young I was very shy and awkward around girls and I hate myself for being such.
> 
> I am married to most beautiful and sexy woman in the world, I cherish every day and every moment I am with her. I can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want. But with all of this my whole life I carry somewhere deep inside me these regrets that I never experienced that dynamic exciting romantic and sexual exploration period appropriate when someone is young and not yet in committed relationship. Moreover even with my wife we never actually dated as boyfriend and girlfriend, we developed that deep love when we were living far away from each other, then we moved in together already as fiancé and fiancée and got married several months later.
> 
> ...


Yes, everybody should get to explore, and it's the cause of many a broken marriage later on, but especially for women, who from the time they are pregnant are tied down and when the kids are old enough, inside they still have the stirrings of a restless teenager sometimes, because they did miss their youth, basically.

But everything turned out for the best for you. It's doubtful you would find casual sex at all fulfilling, honestly, compared to what you have now. It's also doubtful you'd be finding as attractive a partner. Seems to me you have simply matured and now you wonder what it would be like to be dating now that you have confidence. And I get that. It's true. But as you describe your wife, I seriously doubt anyone could hold a candle to her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I cannot relate. Although aspects of my younger days were challenging, there was also a lot of fun and good and unique experiences. While I did party, and not short of male attention really, I chose not to have casual sex despite not waiting for marriage; rather, just someone that I cared deeply for and vice verse. Turns out that I met that 'someone' at a young age and he ended up being the man I married. I have not felt that I 'missed out' on experiencing sex with other people. If anything, I appreciate the experiences I have with him - that we know one another so deeply intimately and our sexual connection is compatible - and moreover, from a general relationship sense, I have learned a lot about myself and him, through navigating who we are both as individuals and as a couple. When people suggest that relationships/marriage isn't 'easy', well, I interpret that to mean that sacrifices do occur but not in the negative sense. There's a consistent negotiation of sorts to ensure that we have each others back and through personal growth. And we have experienced and continued to grow together - and growth unto itself is not always sweet and rosy, yet is certainly meaningful.

From here what can you do to stop wallowing about something that you never had? Your wallowing could be an aspect of depression or identity crises. If you continue with that wallowing, it's not going to take you anywhere helpful. What I observe about wallowing is that it's harder to do if you take stock of where you're at right now and then keep moving forward, particularly through having a purpose (something greater than yourself) and finding meaning.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

If I met the wife I have now (my second) and she was my first love, I would have kept it that way. 

I have been in several life and death situations in my life and one thing really triggered me when I read your post - a serious lack of appreciation. Know what you have in your life, that you have someone who loves you and treats you right and appreciate that. You just never know when something could come along and it could be gone in an instant. Don't ever wait for the shyt to hit the fan as your lesson in appreciation.


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## TheGoodFather (Feb 12, 2021)

I don't remember anybody saying that their marriage or life is better because of all the sex they had when they were still single. On the contrary, a lot of people wished that they have spent their energy in learning and mastering life skills than goofing around with sex, booze and drugs. Well, life is all about perspective. I'll give you a simple solution. Become a Buddhist, if you are not yet one, and believe firmly on reincarnation. When you will be reincarnated, either as human or animal or whatever, have a go at sex ASAP.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

this topic can be linked to the one about women that for women with multiple partners can"t bond 
many people posting there are saying it is not a good thing but still we get others that hold a romantic idea of this free life style of been young and kick your heels up or someones heels up , 
this regret is often something that leads to married people trying out swinging they missed out on that side of things for many reasons 
I never had your regrets even thought I was a virgin getting married to a woman that was not , 
the way I look on it is if I did one thing differently it would have impact on my whole life , 

who is to say if you played around more that you would have been open to your wife the day you met her , who is to say that you would not have got feelings for one of the casual partners,

I don't know do people relay go into marriage better because they had some experience in the sack , 
any way did your wife become good at sex when she was free , was she an expert how do you think you would be a better person for having sex with many or even a few other people that were only experimenting 
because that is what sex is in the beginning , the idea of two people having sex fir the first time and ringing the bells of bless is just Hollywood


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It's like you have retroactive jealousy about yourself and the life you feel you ought to have lived. It's a waste of your future to dwell on wishing for a different past.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why do you hate yourself for being ‘that guy’ in the past with girls?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

My big regret is thinking like the OP, and allowing it to fester in my mind until I acted on it and realized I was not missing anything.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Those few who are have only one partner in their life or may be two partners, do you have the same feelings as if you missed something in life?


I'll allow you to live vicariously through me as perhaps this will help you. When I was younger, I played around and had a lot of female friends that all involved sexual attraction. There was a lot of chemistry and it was a lot of fun to have sex. But here is the part I remember the most. It was the part just after sex ended and that person you were just with somehow transforms into someone rather emotionally revolting and unsettling. You feel the need to get up and leave as soon as you possibly can. You tell yourself you will never have anything to do with that person again. Then at some point you feel lonely which is painful. Then that person starts to seem attractive again because you know you can use them temporarily to end that pain and not feel alone. Wash rinse repeat! 

So if you have sex with your wife, feel satisfied, and enjoy holding her in your arms afterwards.... THAT is all you need!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Tasorundo said:


> My big regret is thinking like the OP, and allowing it to fester in my mind until I acted on it and realized I was not missing anything.


"Acted" I assume means cheated on your wife? There is no "act" for me, I am not going or even think about cheating on my wife. If I did "act" on my regrets as you say it would not "relive" or "recoup" times long gone. This would be plain cheating which is betrayal of the wonderful, devoted to me woman. I would not be able to live with this after that. Since I met my wife I never though of any other woman. Even in, my wildest sexual fantasies I only have her.

I very well understand that there is no way to relive or experience those times. I will never be a teenager again. Nobody yet invented a time machine.

I value a lot what I have. I am very happy to share my life with my wife. Those who say they have one partner, are happy and have no regrets, I am happy for you and I am jealous of you.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> "Acted" I assume means cheated on your wife? There is no "act" for me, I am not going or even think about cheating on my wife. If I did "act" on my regrets as you say it would not "relive" or "recoup" times long gone. This would be plain cheating which is betrayal of the wonderful, devoted to me woman. I would not be able to live with this after that. Since I met my wife I never though of any other woman. Even in, my wildest sexual fantasies I only have her.
> 
> I very well understand that there is no way to relive or experience those times. I will never be a teenager again. Nobody yet invented a time machine.
> 
> I value a lot what I have. I am very happy to share my life with my wife. Those who say they have one partner, are happy and have no regrets, I am happy for you and I am jealous of you.


Yes, that is what I did. If you asked me before it happened if I ever would, absolutely not. Faith isn’t the only thing that grows like a mustard seed.


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

I married my husband when I was 21 and he was 24. I thought we had a family... I loved him and i made him his career and did everything for him. Then one day he got tired of me and decided to go on that "randevou" of that "what it feels like to be with another younger, without children, promiscuous woman"... well 6 years later I had filed for divorce. He's been crying but I do NOT care! I cried my eyes out when he cheated on me and lied about it several times. I discovered their sexual texts etc.... now he can go find her and have that sex with her, but she's not going to care for him like I did. He will cry and call me and ask to return but my door is closed. You always have decisions and we make those decisions. You thinking about that desire/sex/passion but then be ready the wife might found out and it will end your married. Will you find someone like your wife? I don't think it's gonna be as easy as it is when you are in your 20's.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I am not trying to "relive" the time that is long gone. It is not possible. I will never been a teenager again and it is not possible to experience that teen or early romance and sexual discovery. I will never go to first date, experience that first kiss, crazy sex in the back of my parents' car.


Did you not go on a first date with your wife? Did you not share a first kiss with your wife? Did you not discover sex and explore with your wife? You may not have done those things with a series of different partners over time as you developed from adolescent into adult, but you have had those experiences.



TheGoodFather said:


> I don't remember anybody saying that their marriage or life is better because of all the sex they had when they were still single.


I'll say it. No doubt in my mind mine and my DH's experiences made our lives and marriage better. We both learned what we wanted vs what we _thought_ we wanted. We learned what we liked, didn't like, and what sexual styles did and did not work for us as individuals. We got to do the ...ahem...interesting...stuff that doesn't generally work out well when done in a committed relationship. We learned we could walk away from a "close, but no cigar" situation because we had the experience and confidence to not settle. Neither of us has to wonder what we missed out on because we didn't.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I think people are giving TS a bit of a hard time, considering he isn't doing anything bad to anyone or even blaming anyone. He is wondering about the path not taken, what is more human than that? I also don't think it's that unusual, I've had friends who expressed similar regrets. There are also people who feel like having only one partner makes it more special. Not all people are the same.

I read a book by Aziz Ansari, he points out that his generation marries very late and is very picky about mates. In contrast, he spoke to a lot of his generation's parents who were married a long time. A common theme was, they achieved independence and quickly married the first person who seemed nice. Most of them were happy with their marriage, but also wished they had spent some time just flying solo first. My point is you make some choices but you can always wonder if the other was better.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you can fantasize about how your younger life could have been. but you had damn well better KEEP IT a fantasy.
you have a beautiful sexy wife....she is not going to be happy about any efforts in this area. NO sending messages to former girlfriends, no talking about past sex life with her, no watching excessive porn about the topic. 

LEARN to enjoy the sex in the situation you already have, and do not screw that up!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> _"When I was 5 everyone had bikes and I did not have one. Now I am driving very expensive car and can get any bike I want. But all this does not negate and cannot change the fact I did not have a bike when I was five and all my friends had it."_


What did you take from that?

I took from it something about nurturing your own inner child and not being able to change the past …but more so, less compassionately, to quit frickn whining and sometimes we need a spoonful of cement to harden up. Don’t be a victim to yourself or to your past. Be in the now.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I read interesting saying lately that I think reflects my life:
> 
> _"When I was 5 everyone had bikes and I did not have one. Now I am driving very expensive car and can get any bike I want. But all this does not negate and cannot change the fact I did not have a bike when I was five and all my friends had it."_


Part of this sounds familiar to me, but I have a different take on it. There were things I thought I missed out on as a kid and now I am well set up. My take on it is, I wouldn't trade w/ them for anything.

But that is only my take, I am not telling you "You are better off", presuming you're going to do something rash, or that you're stupid to wonder about the path not taken.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> What did you take from that?
> 
> I took from it something about nurturing your own inner child and not being able to change the past …but more so, less compassionately, to quit frickn whining and sometimes we need a spoonful of cement to harden up. Don’t be a victim to yourself or to your past. Be in the now.


Durn right!!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Did you not go on a first date with your wife? Did you not share a first kiss with your wife? Did you not discover sex and explore with your wife? You may not have done those things with a series of different partners over time as you developed from adolescent into adult, but you have had those experiences.


It might be hard to believe but I have never gone on a date with my wife as boyfriend and girlfriend. We never kissed as boyfriend and girlfriend. I never knew what it means and how it feels to have a girlfriend. We developed strongest love while being remote from each other. We wrote each other hundreds of love letters (this was pre-internet age). We became effectively "engaged" while being remote. When we finally met we were already fiancée and fiancé, we really "skipped" boyfriend/girlfriend stage and all excitement it carries. 

It may sound crazy but it is my real life story.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> We got to do the ...ahem...interesting...stuff that doesn't generally work out well when done in a committed relationship.


I always have trouble understanding this sentiment. I know it is common because I've literally read books about people overcoming it. I only felt comfortable proposing "interesting stuff" once I was in a relationship with someone I felt safe and comfortable with.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Sex without love is a meaningless experience but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty good. 
Quote by Woody Allen.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I had only one not only sexual but even romantic partner in my life - my wife. I never dated, kissed or even held hands with any other woman. When I was young I was very shy and awkward around girls and I hate myself for being such.
> 
> I am married to most beautiful and sexy woman in the world, I cherish every day and every moment I am with her. I can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want. But with all of this my whole life I carry somewhere deep inside me these regrets that I never experienced that dynamic exciting romantic and sexual exploration period appropriate when someone is young and not yet in committed relationship. Moreover even with my wife we never actually dated as boyfriend and girlfriend, we developed that deep love when we were living far away from each other, then we moved in together already as fiancé and fiancée and got married several months later.
> 
> ...


I have been with others and regret it. I wished i had met my wife sooner. The no string sex was hollow. I am a man who has strong emotion with sex so there are memories of other women i wish i could erase from my mind. Thankfully most have diminished into the background of memory/history. There was one girl that was exceptional at oral sex, rather i did not have that comparative memory.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It might be hard to believe but I have never gone on a date with my wife as boyfriend and girlfriend. We never kissed as boyfriend and girlfriend. I never knew what it means and how it feels to have a girlfriend. We developed strongest love while being remote from each other. We wrote each other hundreds of love letters (this was pre-internet age). We became effectively "engaged" while being remote. When we finally met we were already fiancée and fiancé, we really "skipped" boyfriend/girlfriend stage and all excitement it carries.
> 
> It may sound crazy but it is my real life story.


While you never went out and sowed your oats I never met a romantic partner online, fell in love long distance, or started a physical relationship with someone I was already emotionally bonded to.

We all have things we wish we'd done or done differently. Your experience is unique. Something like 5% of people marry their only sex partner. Rather than focus on what experiences you didn't have why not focus on the fact that the experience you did have is rare and special?



Hiner112 said:


> I always have trouble understanding this sentiment. I know it is common because I've literally read books about people overcoming it. I only felt comfortable proposing "interesting stuff" once I was in a relationship with someone I felt safe and comfortable with.


I think we mean very different things. I'm talking about stuff like participating in the dildo swallowing contest at the bar because the prize is free drinks for the night, having threeways, going to orgy's/sex clubs, seeing what it's like to hire a hooker or get blown in the VIP room by a stripper, have porn star sex with that guy you met at a friends house and knew for a total of 3 hrs.



Divinely Favored said:


> There was one girl that was exceptional at oral sex, rather i did not have that comparative memory.


Teach your wife!


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> I think we mean very different things. I'm talking about stuff like participating in the dildo swallowing contest at the bar because the prize is free drinks for the night, having threeways, going to orgy's/sex clubs, seeing what it's like to hire a hooker or get blown in the VIP room by a stripper, have porn star sex with that guy you met at a friends house and knew for a total of 3 hrs.


_maybe_


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> While you never went out and sowed your oats I never met a romantic partner online, fell in love long distance, or started a physical relationship with someone I was already emotionally bonded to.
> 
> We all have things we wish we'd done or done differently. Your experience is unique. Something like 5% of people marry their only sex partner. Rather than focus on what experiences you didn't have why not focus on the fact that the experience you did have is rare and special?


This is all true and valid arguments. We really poses unique, deep, passionate love. I value it more than anything else. Every morning I wake up next to her, I kiss her and I pray only for this to continue to eternity. I do not want any money or wealth or glory or anything else. I just want to wake up next to her, spend every moment with her and make love to her. 

I said I hate myself for these thoughts about missed past. First, it is not possible to relive it. Second, it sometime haunts me and does not allow me to fully enjoy the present and look forward to the future. And what also makes it hard for me is that this is the only topic I cannot discuss with my wife. So I keep this inside me for my entire adult life.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> This is all true and valid arguments. We really poses unique, deep, passionate love. I value it more than anything else. Every morning I wake up next to her, I kiss her and I pray only for this to continue to eternity. I do not want any money or wealth or glory or anything else. I just want to wake up next to her, spend every moment with her and make love to her.
> 
> I said I hate myself for these thoughts about missed past. First, it is not possible to relive it. Second, it sometime haunts me and does not allow me to fully enjoy the present and look forward to the future. And what also makes it hard for me is that this is the only topic I cannot discuss with my wife. So I keep this inside me for my entire adult life.


So with all your unhappy threads. I have to ask. How much porn do you watch? Once a day? Once a week? Once a month?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So with all your unhappy threads. I have to ask. How much porn do you watch? Once a day? Once a week? Once a month?


What porn has anything to do here?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> What porn has anything to do here?


The presumption is that you rarely seem happy, so maybe your expectations are being skewed, possibly from too much porn.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I said I hate myself for these thoughts about missed past. First, it is not possible to relive it. Second, it sometime haunts me and does not allow me to fully enjoy the present and look forward to the future. And what also makes it hard for me is that this is the only topic I cannot discuss with my wife. So I keep this inside me for my entire adult life.


You shouldn't hate yourself for wondering about the path not taken, it's natural. As long as you keep it in perspective, it's also healthy. By keeping it in perspective, I mean realizing that you have to make choices in life, and no matter how good they were, in hindsight you can never be sure they were all perfect.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The presumption is that you rarely seem happy, so maybe your expectations are being skewed, possibly from too much porn.


I consider myself very happy man. I married to the love of my life and I share all parts of it it with my beloved wife. 

I am bit puzzled by hostility towards me. I just express my own opinion.

I do watch porn but rather rarely and it has no impact my sexuality or my life.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The presumption is that you rarely seem happy, so maybe your expectations are being skewed, possibly from too much porn.


I wonder what my "expectations are being skewed"?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

romantic_dreamer said:


> This is all true and valid arguments. We really poses unique, deep, passionate love. I value it more than anything else. Every morning I wake up next to her, I kiss her and I pray only for this to continue to eternity. I do not want any money or wealth or glory or anything else. I just want to wake up next to her, spend every moment with her and make love to her.
> 
> I said I hate myself for these thoughts about missed past. First, it is not possible to relive it. Second, it sometime haunts me and does not allow me to fully enjoy the present and look forward to the future. And what also makes it hard for me is that this is the only topic I cannot discuss with my wife. So I keep this inside me for my entire adult life.


It's not really a missed past though if it never even happened. You have a past, just not the one that you seem to be craving. It haunts you and prevents you from fully enjoying the present. Where to from here?

I will admit that I have quite a low tolerance to people putting themselves into a victim mentality (depression is a different matter) and without taking action to then move themselves forward. Hence, why I ask where to from here. It's not serving you any purpose, so why choose to do that to yourself and what can you do to get beyond it?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> What porn has anything to do here?


So what’s the answer?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry brother, a common theme on TAM is when a guy repeatedly complains about his wife not initiating or not being wild enough... think some of us theorize that porn is at least partly to blame.

You have to admit you seem to be craving the kind of sex that is often stereotypical for porn. Admittedly, I’ve been away from porn for a decade or more so maybe I’m not current here.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> Sorry brother, a common theme on TAM is when a guy repeatedly complains about his wife not initiating or not being wild enough... think some of us theorize that porn is at least partly to blame.
> 
> You have to admit you seem to be craving the kind of sex that is often stereotypical for porn. Admittedly, I’ve been away from porn for a decade or more so maybe I’m not current here.


I’m not even saying porn is to blame but I am interested in the answer.

I’m sure it isn’t never or we would already been told that.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Previous to my wife who I met in my late 20’s I had been in one ltr. When that ended I had the same line of thinking that I was missing out on something. Well I had several casual experiences and despite some of it being really good sex at times I couldn’t reconcile now empty it felt or how wrong the people were for me. Ultimately it’s just sex when it comes down to it. If you’re in a happy committed relationship you should cherish that and value that and enjoy your wife. Sure being with a new person can be exciting in the moment but really you’re building it up in your head to be something more than it is. If you have a good relationship value that because if you let it go just to have casual sex you may never find anyone who cares about you in the same way again.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Sorry brother, a common theme on TAM is when a guy repeatedly complains about his wife not initiating or not being wild enough... think some of us theorize that porn is at least partly to blame.
> 
> You have to admit you seem to be craving the kind of sex that is often stereotypical for porn. Admittedly, I’ve been away from porn for a decade or more so maybe I’m not current here.


I realized already that TAM has a group of highly devoted and active porn haters who blame porn for all world problems including climate change, COVID-19 and world hunger. But certainly for all problems people have in their sexual and romantic lives. I also found this group is very hostile to anyone who does not share their extremely negative views on porn.

I really do not want to engage in porn argument since we have vastly different views on this subject. I do not find porn to be evil you do. I consider it adult entertainment, find nothing wrong with watching it occasionally. Yes, it may become addiction like anything else: responsible occasional drinking is fine, having 5 shots a day is an addiction and alcoholism. There is also part of the porn that goes beyond entertainment and depict rape, violence towards women, gangbang, etc. I do not watch this kind of porn. My wife has the same view on porn as I do, has no problems with me occasional watching it. We recently watch it together and we enjoyed it a lot.

I am very sexual person, sexuality and ability to express myself sexually has always been irreplaceable part of my life. I consider rich, vibrant sex is that highest and deepest level of expressing love for my beloved wife. Yes, my wife does not initiate. She is also not very vocal of what she likes or giving any verbal feedback. I do not blamer her for this. But she seems to respond positively to anything I try and is willing to try sexual novelties with me including watching porn with me occasionally. I value this a lot and I am very happy I share my life with such a wonderful woman.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> Previous to my wife who I met in my late 20’s I had been in one ltr. When that ended I had the same line of thinking that I was missing out on something. Well I had several casual experiences and despite some of it being really good sex at times I couldn’t reconcile now empty it felt or how wrong the people were for me. Ultimately it’s just sex when it comes down to it. If you’re in a happy committed relationship you should cherish that and value that and enjoy your wife. Sure being with a new person can be exciting in the moment but really you’re building it up in your head to be something more than it is. If you have a good relationship value that because if you let it go just to have casual sex you may never find anyone who cares about you in the same way again.


I do not specifically regret having ONS or some random sex. I regret having any relationships including sexual when everyone around me was having them, enjoying them. I regret not having carriage to "make a move" on my future wife earlier. I missed all that. I value what I have in live, I don't need to be reminded of that or told "look what you have". I have no regrets of my life with my wife, not a single moment. My regrets are not "competing" with my married life. My own wife before being with me had few sexual encounters, some part of the relationship, some not. nothing crazy or our of ordinary. Most of people in our circle had similar experiences. This does not negate her being in love and happy with me for almost 25 years. And believe it or not, I am very happy for her, I am happy she has this experience in her life. 

I guess only people who have one partner in their life can understand or feel what I feel. From the responses it seems most of them are happy to have one partner and do not have any regrets. I am really unique here too. People who have regrets seems to be those who had random, chaotic sex lives when they were young.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I consider myself very happy man. I married to the love of my life and I share all parts of it it with my beloved wife.
> 
> I am bit puzzled by hostility towards me. I just express my own opinion.
> 
> I do watch porn but rather rarely and it has no impact my sexuality or my life.


Porn always influences your sexuality and your life, stop watchng and things may change.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I consider myself very happy man. I married to the love of my life and I share all parts of it it with my beloved wife.
> 
> I am bit puzzled by hostility towards me. I just express my own opinion.
> 
> I do watch porn but rather rarely and it has no impact my sexuality or my life.


You say you are happy, but many of your posts come off as melancholy and longing for something you can never have. Whether it is true or not, that is perceived as being unhappy.



romantic_dreamer said:


> I wonder what my "expectations are being skewed"?


Porn will give you very unrealistic expectations about sex and what sex should look like. When was the last time you saw a porn scene where a happily married husband and wife went to bed, had a nice and romantic love making session, then settled in for the night watching TV? 99% of porn is designed to get a man off in as short a period as possible, so it is as intense and unrealistic as it needs to be to accomplish that goal. Even watching it occasionally can have an influence on you. I am not anti-porn BTW.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I am very sexual person, sexuality and ability to express myself sexually has always been irreplaceable part of my life. I consider rich, vibrant sex is that highest and deepest level of expressing love for my beloved wife. Yes, my wife does not initiate. She is also not very vocal of what she likes or giving any verbal feedback. I do not blamer her for this. But she seems to respond positively to anything I try and is willing to try sexual novelties with me including watching porn with me occasionally. I value this a lot and I am very happy I share my life with such a wonderful woman.





romantic_dreamer said:


> I have no regrets of my life with my wife, not a single moment.


Then where is the problem? Why do you have these thoughts of regret? Why this focus on the past? Where inside you is this coming from?

If it helps, at all, I became sexually active at 15. I met my DH at 24. I had sexual partners well into the double digits. I'm 46 now and can barely remember the details of sex with any of them. I can only remember a few encounters that really stood out with a few past partners and that's basically it. You've been with your wife 25 years, I believe? Yeah, by now you probably wouldn't remember much, either! So, basically, you're upset about not having done something you'd probably have forgotten!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You say you are happy, but many of your posts come off as melancholy and longing for something you can never have. Whether it is true or not, that is perceived as being unhappy.


This is wrong perception. Yes, I have my internal issues but they do not make me unhappy person. I just found this place to open up about them, I could not do this elsewhere for obvious reasons.



BigDaddyNY said:


> Porn will give you very unrealistic expectations about sex and what sex should look like. When was the last time you saw a porn scene where a happily married husband and wife went to bed, had a nice and romantic love making session, then settled in for the night watching TV? 99% of porn is designed to get a man off in as short a period as possible, so it is as intense and unrealistic as it needs to be to accomplish that goal. Even watching it occasionally can have an influence on you. I am not anti-porn BTW.


This is very silly view on porn. Do you watch romantic movies? Do you like "Pretty woman"? You know Richard Gere did not really fall in love with Julia Roberts. Does it make the movie less great or romantic?

There is different kind of porn. My wife and I few days ago watched a French classic porn movie. There were very handsome actors and beautiful actresses. They acted passionate love making scenes, there was nothing "unrealistic" in that movie that my wife and I do not do. Yea, it was obviously acted so Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in "Pretty woman". I am very happy we watched the porn movie together.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> This is wrong perception. Yes, I have my internal issues but they do not make me unhappy person. I just found this place to open up about them, I could not do this elsewhere for obvious reasons.
> 
> 
> This is very silly view on porn. Do you watch romantic movies? Do you like "Pretty woman"? You know Richard Gere did not really fall in love with Julia Roberts. Does it make the movie less great or romantic?
> ...


I am curious as to why if you and your wife share such an intimate relationship why you can’t talk to her about it? It is obviously bothering you in such a profound way.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Then where is the problem? Why do you have these thoughts of regret? Why this focus on the past? Where inside you is this coming from?


I do not view this a huge problem that is killing me. I cannot answer why I am having these regrets, I do not know where it coming from. I guess it coming from the fact that I missed experience that most of people around me had. In general I am absolutely not jealous person, I do not care what material things other people have. But this type of life experience by some reason stays with me. I do not have a clear logical explanation for this.



MJJEAN said:


> If it helps, at all, I became sexually active at 15. I met my DH at 24. I had sexual partners well into the double digits. I'm 46 now and can barely remember the details of sex with any of them. I can only remember a few encounters that really stood out with a few past partners and that's basically it. You've been with your wife 25 years, I believe? Yeah, by now you probably wouldn't remember much, either! So, basically, you're upset about not having done something you'd probably have forgotten!


I cannot really debate this. I have never had this experience so I don't know how I would carry it in my life had I had it. Something internally tells me that I would not forget or dismiss my first date or kiss or sex if I had them before I met my wife and it would have impact on me even if it was brief or even not great. I remember my first soccer game, I remember my first day at school, I remember my first job and they happened many many years ago. Not all of this experience was really great but I remember it very vividly. 

I am pretty sure my wife does remember her first kiss or sex or date and it does have some significance in her life and who she is.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s like telling everyone you can run in a circle and a straight line at the same time. One second your bored with your wife and the next second she is the best thing ever. Your throwing out mixed messages like your waffling around in your head and can’t figure it out yourself. The past is the past ... done and over. That wife of yours might wander off then your going to find out what a boring sex life looks like for real.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

With regards to the bike example. 

My across the street neighbor had a white Porsche 911. I loved that car and as a kid I always wanted a Porsche. When I ordered my first new 911 it felt like I accomplished a goal I had for 30 years.

After driving it for a few years I realized it wasn’t exactly how I wanted it, so I sold it and ordered another one. This time with a custom color, all the interior options I wanted, manual transmission, etc... It was a great car and unusual enough that people would send me pictures of me driving it around town “Hey I saw you at X”.

I sold it and now I drive a truck.

Wife and I were driving back from the beach a couple of months ago and we were behind a brand new 911 and she was like, “Wow look at that car. So sexy... you must want to order it.” Nope!

Turns out I like my truck instead.

My point with this was I got the shiny thing I thought I wanted but I didn’t really want it.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I am curious as to why if you and your wife share such an intimate relationship why you can’t talk to her about it? It is obviously bothering you in such a profound way.


Our past experiences or lack of is the only topic for us that is a taboo because it is extremely painful for us. When I told her in past briefly about my regrets in life I felt how painful it is for her which hurt me a lot more since I am very sensitive to any pain she feels. I sensed she felt I am missing something in my life with her. She also feels she hurt me a lot by not accepting me initially when we met. I know she regrets this a lot. When we met moved together we were very young, naïve and life inexperienced. She told me then about her sexual and romantic encounters, some I knew about, some I did not, but I knew all guys she was with. We both realized later how hurtful it was all for both of us so we never discussed this again.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I had only one not only sexual but even romantic partner in my life - my wife. I never dated, kissed or even held hands with any other woman. When I was young I was very shy and awkward around girls and I hate myself for being such.
> 
> I am married to most beautiful and sexy woman in the world, I cherish every day and every moment I am with her. I can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want. But with all of this my whole life I carry somewhere deep inside me these regrets that I never experienced that dynamic exciting romantic and sexual exploration period appropriate when someone is young and not yet in committed relationship. Moreover even with my wife we never actually dated as boyfriend and girlfriend, we developed that deep love when we were living far away from each other, then we moved in together already as fiancé and fiancée and got married several months later.
> 
> ...


I had your marriage for 21 years. We were each other's first as we were brought up very strictly and sex was reserved for the one you were to marry. I had boyfriends and he had girlfriend s as well, but these trivial friendships were what one coins puppy love. 

At 40' he felt a "stir" like you are feeling. That stir turned into fantasy that included porn. The porn ignited lust. The lust turned into reality and he cheated. 

Our marriage became a casualty of midlife crisis! He lost more than I did in the end, but my children and I had it very rough for a while. I went ahead and married again, but that marriage didn't work out. I must admit, I picked very wrong the second time around. 

Right now I am seeing a wonderful man and marriage a third and hopefully last time is in the near future. I would have never experienced others sexually if it wasn't for my first XH transgression! My vows were indeed til death due us part as was my love for him. With that said, I am in love again, but if asked to choose between a one and only and sexual experimentation;. The One and only is the route to go for Me and based on what has transpired in our lives through the years.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> When was the last time you saw a porn scene where a happily married husband and wife went to bed, had a nice and romantic love making session, then settled in for the night watching TV?


Never!

That said I've never experienced that in real life either.

Since with the exception of staying in hotel rooms and the like, I've never slept in a bedroom with a TV in it. And while staying in hotels and the like, neither myself or any of my sexual partners have ever been interested in watching TV after sharing sex.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Porn will give you very unrealistic expectations about sex and what sex should look like.


Not if you have half a brain. BTW, I couldn't care less about porn.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Our past experiences or lack of is the only topic for us that is a taboo because it is extremely painful for us. When I told her in past briefly about my regrets in life I felt how painful it is for her which hurt me a lot more since I am very sensitive to any pain she feels. I sensed she felt I am missing something in my life with her. She also feels she hurt me a lot by not accepting me initially when we met. I know she regrets this a lot. When we met moved together we were very young, naïve and life inexperienced. She told me then about her sexual and romantic encounters, some I knew about, some I did not, but I knew all guys she was with. We both realized later how hurtful it was all for both of us so we never discussed this again.


Clearly you are feeling it hence this thread. You are being dishonest with her by not discussing it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Not if you have half a brain. BTW, I couldn't care less about porn.


Then there are a lot of people out there that don't have half a brain.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> With regards to the bike example.
> 
> My across the street neighbor had a white Porsche 911. I loved that car and as a kid I always wanted a Porsche. When I ordered my first new 911 it felt like I accomplished a goal I had for 30 years.
> 
> ...


You like your truck because you experienced Porsche before, This is the main difference. Had yo never driven Porsche you might be driving your truck constantly looking at passing Porsche and guessing what it takes to drive one.

I feel myself differently. I feel as if I got Porsche (my wife) as my first car at 16 and this will be my the only car for the rest of my life. I know internally this is the best car in the world and any other car pales in comparison with it. By driven only Porsche I think about time to time what it feels to drive any other car.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Then there are a lot of people out there that don't have half a brain.


I agree with you here...


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> It’s like telling everyone you can run in a circle and a straight line at the same time. One second your bored with your wife and the next second she is the best thing ever. Your throwing out mixed messages like your waffling around in your head and can’t figure it out yourself. The past is the past ... done and over. That wife of yours might wander off then your going to find out what a boring sex life looks like for real.


Why is it so hard to get that it is possible to have happy life including sex and want something new? Why? Being happy and wanting something new are not two mutually exclusive things. 

Being with the woman I love so much and feel connected to so much makes me want to explore with her new things including sexual things. Having regrets about past does not make me unhappy, does not negate my life with my wife and the love I have for her. Why is that hard to understand?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Why is it so hard to get that it is possible to have happy life including sex and want something new? Why? Being happy and wanting something new are not two mutually exclusive things.
> 
> Being with the woman I love so much and feel connected to so much makes me want to explore with her new things including sexual things. Having regrets about past does not make me unhappy, does not negate my life with my wife and the love I have for her. Why is that hard to understand?


From a previous post of yours: 

_"When I told her in past briefly about my *regrets in life* I felt how *painful it is for her* which *hurt me a lot more* since I am very sensitive to any pain she feels. I sensed she felt I am missing something in my life with her. She also *feels she hurt me a lot* by not accepting me initially when we met. I know *she regrets this a lot*. When we met moved together we were very young, naïve and life inexperienced. She told me then about her sexual and romantic encounters, some I knew about, some I did not, but I knew all guys she was with. We both realized later *how hurtful it was all for both of us* so we never discussed this again."_

If you are so happy, why do at least half of your posts sound like this one with nothing but regret and pain?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Clearly you are feeling it hence this thread. You are being dishonest with her by not discussing it.


Dishonest? This is total BS. Why would I bring up something that I know would hurt the person I love and she cannot change?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Dishonest? This is total BS. Why would I bring up something that I know would hurt the person I love and she cannot change?


Clearly it is tormenting you and hiding feelings is a form of dishonesty. Lying by omission.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I realized already that TAM has a group of highly devoted and active porn haters who blame porn for all world problems including climate change, COVID-19 and world hunger.


That’s a bit unfair. Porn doesn’t cause any of that- just unsatisfied hubbies like you appear to be. The wives point of view with porn/sex addicted hubbies is “it’s never enough”. I think there is a hint of porn/sex addiction in what you’ve written.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Why is it so hard to get that it is possible to have happy life including sex and want something new? Why? Being happy and wanting something new are not two mutually exclusive things.
> 
> Being with the woman I love so much and feel connected to so much makes me want to explore with her new things including sexual things. Having regrets about past does not make me unhappy, does not negate my life with my wife and the love I have for her. Why is that hard to understand?


Because you seem to be whining about it nonstop.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Because you seem to be whining about it nonstop.


Man who claims to have it all and still bemoans what he has not had. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I also found this group is very hostile to anyone who does not share their extremely negative views on porn.


Not quite true ... there are plenty porn users here... they just aren’t as vocal as the porn haters.
I’m like you on this one .... I like porn. I do however hate that disrespectful professional garbage.... that’s why amateurs are where it’s at 😜


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You like your truck because you experienced Porsche before, This is the main difference. Had yo never driven Porsche you might be driving your truck constantly looking at passing Porsche and guessing what it takes to drive one.


That is maybe true on one level but my example as I meant it is more abstract. 

The car is a metaphor for the thing you think you want. The lesson I learned from my experience is maybe I don’t want it.

I apply this as a filter now in a hierarchy of things.

Certainly my sexual relationship with my wife now doesn’t have every deviancy I can think of trying going on. I could dwell on it and think, gee... if only she would ride me like a pony at the state fair while I wear my plastic horse head, this is a tragedy!

Instead I am happy that she wants me enough to sometimes initiate. The goal posts stay put and I realized that when I thought I wanted X, Y, or Z thing like let’s say performing oral on her to completion. I’d like to, she’s not into it. She wants to be with me though so you know how much time I spend thinking about it, zero! I am lucky she picks me.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> That’s a bit unfair. Porn doesn’t cause any of that- just unsatisfied hubbies like you appear to be. The wives point of view with porn/sex addicted hubbies is “it’s never enough”. I think there is a hint of porn/sex addiction in what you’ve written.


Because I feel porn haters put a blanket universal cliché that porn is evil. I completely get that porn can cause a lot of problems. it can lead to addiction, dependency. So is the alcohol. There are a lot of people and families destroyed by alcoholism. but we not say any alcohol is evil. 

I also think the women specifically often unfounded and unfairly view porn as some sort of "competition". Unless your husband clearly demand you look and act like a porn star that fact he is watching a prn movie with attractive porn actors or intense porn scene has nothing to do with his attraction to you or his sexual desire for you. Use this opportunity to figure out what makes your husband turned on and try it if it is not super weird. Isn't great to give the man you love what he craves in bed? I would be very delightful if I can discover my wife watches some porn and what turns her on. Obviously if porn she watches would be gangbang, rape, etc. I would be very crushed. But I would be crashed not by porn in general or her watching it but by the kind of porn she watches.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> That is maybe true on one level but my example as I meant it is more abstract.
> 
> The car is a metaphor for the thing you think you want. The lesson I learned from my experience is maybe I don’t want it.
> 
> ...


Aaagghhh ... yes there is the difference. You have things going on that would crush this guys mental space yet your still getting plenty sex and happy with it. The whole game of “I need her to want me this specific way” is a foolish game.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Because I feel porn haters put a blanket universal cliché that porn is evil. I completely get that porn can cause a lot of problems. it can lead to addiction, dependency. So is the alcohol. There are a lot of people and families destroyed by alcoholism. but we not say any alcohol is evil.
> 
> I also think the women specifically often unfounded and unfairly view porn as some sort of "competition". Unless your husband clearly demand you look and act like a porn star that fact he is watching a prn movie with attractive porn actors or intense porn scene has nothing to do with his attraction to you or his sexual desire for you. Use this opportunity to figure out what makes your husband turned on and try it if it is not super weird. Isn't great to give the man you love what he craves in bed? I would be very delightful if I can discover my wife watches some porn and what turns her on. Obviously if porn she watches would be gangbang, rape, etc. I would be very crushed. But I would be crashed not by porn in general or her watching it but by the kind of porn she watches.


I just discovered my views on porn and yours are very different in relation to our sex lives. Yeah I think you got a problem there .......


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I just discovered my views on porn and yours are very different in relation to our sex lives. Yeah I think you got a problem there .......


Probably different. I do not see what the "problem" you find...


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> From a previous post of yours:
> 
> _"When I told her in past briefly about my *regrets in life* I felt how *painful it is for her* which *hurt me a lot more* since I am very sensitive to any pain she feels. I sensed she felt I am missing something in my life with her. She also *feels she hurt me a lot* by not accepting me initially when we met. I know *she regrets this a lot*. When we met moved together we were very young, naïve and life inexperienced. She told me then about her sexual and romantic encounters, some I knew about, some I did not, but I knew all guys she was with. We both realized later *how hurtful it was all for both of us* so we never discussed this again."_
> 
> If you are so happy, why do at least half of your posts sound like this one with nothing but regret and pain?


Because I find this forum is the place to bring problems and concerns and not to brag endlessly about how happy one is. If I make another post and will provide a long list of my happy unforgettable love experiences with my wife will it satisfy you and convince you that I am not that unhappy gloomy guy you paint me to be? We experienced in life fantastic sexual and romantic things that others may only dream about. We have a very passionate love and we are not shy to express it to each other.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Because I find this forum is the place to bring problems and concerns and *not to brag endlessly about how happy one is.*


Really? I must be reading a different forum...


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Because I feel porn haters put a blanket universal cliché that porn is evil. I completely get that porn can cause a lot of problems. it can lead to addiction, dependency. So is the alcohol. There are a lot of people and families destroyed by alcoholism. but we not say any alcohol is evil.
> 
> I also think the women specifically often unfounded and unfairly view porn as some sort of "competition". Unless your husband clearly demand you look and act like a porn star that fact he is watching a prn movie with attractive porn actors or intense porn scene has nothing to do with his attraction to you or his sexual desire for you. Use this opportunity to figure out what makes your husband turned on and try it if it is not super weird. Isn't great to give the man you love what he craves in bed? I would be very delightful if I can discover my wife watches some porn and what turns her on. Obviously if porn she watches would be gangbang, rape, etc. I would be very crushed. But I would be crashed not by porn in general or her watching it but by the kind of porn she watches.


It could be that your wife detests porn too and is going along with it to please you. Have you considered that? She sounds like someone not willing to speak up.

I’d think a lot of women would quietly consent but then have thoughts of “I’m not enough for him” when it’s all said and done.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> It could be that your wife detests porn too and is going along with it to please you. Have you considered that? She sounds like someone not willing to speak up.
> 
> I’d think a lot of women would quietly consent but then have thoughts of “I’m not enough for him” when it’s all said and done.


No she liked it. She specifically told me that. She was rather turned on. We like similar kind of porn, beautiful actors, intense but rather passionate sex. Usually either classic or some amateur porn. We are both disgusted by modern porn: fake boobs, tattoos, piecing, etc. and any violent sex, gangbangs, BDSM, etc.

I never compare her to any porn actresses even in my mind or fantasies. I would not exchange her for any porn actress. Porn is just an entertainment and inspiration for us to learn and try something new.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No she liked it. She specifically told me that. She was rather turned on. We like similar kind of porn, beautiful actors, intense but rather passionate sex. Usually either classic or some amateur porn. We are both disgusted by modern porn: fake boobs, tattoos, piecing, etc. and any violent sex, gangbangs, BDSM, etc.
> 
> I never compare her to any porn actresses even in my mind or fantasies. I would not exchange her for any porn actress. Porn is just an entertainment and inspiration for us to learn and try something new.


You realize she could be telling you what you want to hear. You have to admit- you seem to dance around the truth with her too. .. Your threads are basically about your dissatisfaction and how to change/tell your wife.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> You realize she could be telling you what you want to hear. You have to admit- you seem to dance around the truth with her too. .. You’re threads are basically about your dissatisfaction and how to change/tell your wife.


I understand you hate porn so much that you go above and beyond to convince me that my wife fakes liking watching porn with me and porn essentially is the root cause of all my and entire world problem. I get it. No argument whatsoever can convince you otherwise.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Because I feel porn haters put a blanket universal cliché that porn is evil. I completely get that porn can cause a lot of problems. it can lead to addiction, dependency. So is the alcohol. There are a lot of people and families destroyed by alcoholism. but we not say any alcohol is evil.
> 
> I also think the women specifically often unfounded and unfairly view porn as some sort of "competition". Unless your husband clearly demand you look and act like a porn star that fact he is watching a prn movie with attractive porn actors or intense porn scene has nothing to do with his attraction to you or his sexual desire for you. Use this opportunity to figure out what makes your husband turned on and try it if it is not super weird. Isn't great to give the man you love what he craves in bed? I would be very delightful if I can discover my wife watches some porn and what turns her on. Obviously if porn she watches would be gangbang, rape, etc. I would be very crushed. But I would be crashed not by porn in general or her watching it but by the kind of porn she watches.


You know I asked the original question as to your porn use. Which wasn't hostile but you took it that way. Usually that kind of response indicates a nerve has been hit.

I not a porn hater but I can clearly see that for some marriages it causes problems.

Perhaps porn isn't the problem but you do have one. 

Since I can't help you I'll bow out and maybe you can get the thread down to only those who bolster your melancholy cause you don't seem to want to work on fixing your ?mid-life? crisis.

This general unease and unhappiness in a wonderful marriage isn't a new thing and neither is your response.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I understand you hate porn so much that you go above and beyond to convince me that my wife fakes liking watching porn with me and porn essentially is the root cause of all my and entire world problem. I get it. No argument whatsoever can convince you otherwise.


Just saying it’s possible, that’s all.

I would suggest a better username for you would be “porn_dreamer”. You’re not talking romance here but rather more varied sex acts and expression.

“romantic_dreamer” would be someone interested in surprising his wife with a trip to Tahiti or something.

Fwiw, my wife always sees through my attempts at romance too... she knows I want sex. 😂


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Just saying it’s possible, that’s all.
> 
> I would suggest a better username for you would be “porn_dreamer”. You’re not talking romance here but rather more varied sex acts and expression.


Your problem is not that you hate porn but that you try to impose on other or actively promote your extreme views on porn and attribute every problem to porn. You look like some people in US who attribute every problem to racism and people who disagree with them are simply rasists. 

For you half of people here would be "porn_dreamers".



CatholicDad said:


> “romantic_dreamer” would be someone interested in surprising his wife with a trip to Tahiti or something.


I took my wife to way more adventurous destinations than Tahiti and I surprised her with things even she could not believe in.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think you can’t even make up your own dang mind. 

@CatholicDad might have hard line views on porn but some of it is ringing true in your case.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Well, I am thankful to anyone who responded. I value and respect everyone's opinions. I was again caught by surprise a bit by what I perceive as hostility towards me and lack of empathy from some of people. They presented very harsh view of me and my problems:

- you claim you are happy and you whine about you concerns or problems or regrets. You must be unhappy, happy people do not whine or do not have regrets in their lives or problems. These people do not understand that happy people can have concerns, problem and regrets. These problems, regrets an concerns do not make them less happier.

- you have regrets, you claim you have happy life. You cannot have any regrets, this is BS (midlife crisis, crazy thoughts, etc.), just suck it up, get over it and be thankful what you have.

- all your problem originate from porn. As long as you confirm you even what any porn you are labelled porn user and all problems come from porn. Any argument that my problem have as much with porn as they have with weather are rejected outright. This irritates me most. Even the fact my wife and I can enjoy watching a porn movie together is questioned and I am repeatedly convinced my wife hates porn internally ands fakes enjoyment just to make me happy.

The solution is also very simple and straight forward. Stop watching porn and all your problems and concerns will disappear.

Despite all this, I took a lot of very helpful and useful info and ideas from my own threads and threads of others. This empowered me to open myself more sexually to my wife and break the barriers I could not break before. We had in last few weeks incredible sex almost daily, it was intense and special each time. We did not have this for many many years. I am incredibly thankful to those who encouraged me to do this. 

What's interesting is that my wife seems to really appreciate me be more open with her even if she does not say so straight. I see her getting more involved, she demoed lingerer for me, she watched porn with me. So far she did not turned down anything I did. She is even giving me BJ with more visual feedback, it is incredibly hot.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You like your truck because you experienced Porsche before, This is the main difference. Had yo never driven Porsche you might be driving your truck constantly looking at passing Porsche and guessing what it takes to drive one.
> 
> I feel myself differently. I feel as if I got Porsche (my wife) as my first car at 16 and this will be my the only car for the rest of my life. I know internally this is the best car in the world and any other car pales in comparison with it. By driven only Porsche I think about time to time what it feels to drive any other car.


But you think all other cars are good enough to drive and enjoy the ride. You are not thinking about the bad and the ugly about other cars. You have a limited view of a complicated reality.

We date to find "the one." You had an easy journey to find the perfect partner for you. The majority of us had to go through meeting potential candidates to find "the one." We met other people but we went through heart break, frustration, disappointment, waste of time, complicated situations, crazy people, etc. Do you really think you've missed a good thing? Believe me, the grass is not greener on the other side. 

Appreciate what you have. Your mind is fantasizing about a romantic, unrealistic idea of dating potential candidates before marriage. You are lucky a Porsche fell on your lap, even though it seems you don't deserve it or you are too immature to appreciate it. SMH...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No she liked it. She specifically told me that. She was rather turned on. We like similar kind of porn, beautiful actors, intense but rather passionate sex. Usually either classic or some amateur porn. We are both disgusted by modern porn: fake boobs, tattoos, piecing, etc. and any violent sex, gangbangs, BDSM, etc.
> 
> I never compare her to any porn actresses even in my mind or fantasies. I would not exchange her for any porn actress. Porn is just an entertainment and inspiration for us to learn and try something new.


I'm sorry, but no one buys that. Porn is toxic because it is enticing to the eyes and the libido. It does what it is designed to do. It turns you on! We are human. Porn turns the ignite fire on! It lights up the senses; passion, lust, fantasy etc. It is a very lucrative business as well because is works extremely well.

Please, just be careful. Try to get back to filling fulfilled completely with the wonderful life and marriage you have. Sowing your oats is not the way to go. Dwelling on what you missed will make you weak and vulnerable to temptation.

Seek professional therapy to help you through the "stir". The stir can be overcome with professional help.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> I'm sorry, but no one buys that. Porn is toxic because it is enticing to the eyes and the libido. It does what it is designed to do. It turns you on! We are human. Porn turns the ignite fire on! It lights up the senses; passion, lust, fantasy etc. It is a very lucrative business as well because is works extremely well.


Porn is enticing to the eyes and the libido. It turns the ignite fire on! It lights up the senses; passion, lust, fantasy etc. Why all this is bad and makes porn "toxic"?

I am really puzzled by this fanatical porn hatred. Did you lose love one or see close friend family destroyed by porn addiction? Are you religious person as I assume every religion views porn as "sin" and "evil"? 

Romantic movies ignite romance. Does this make them evil?

Let me ask you a question. Where did you learn about various types of sex? Assuming you and your partner are open to them, where did you learn about 69, anal sex, oral sex, etc.? I assume you did not read about them in 6 grade algebra book.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Porn is enticing to the eyes and the libido. It turns the ignite fire on! It lights up the senses; passion, lust, fantasy etc. *Why all this is bad and makes porn "toxic"?*

_Because you fell in love with your wife without porn. Now you watch it because it is enticing to your eyes and your libido. It turns YOU on!_


I am really puzzled by this fanatical porn hatred. *Did you lose love one* or see close friend family destroyed by porn addiction? Are you religious person as I assume every religion views porn as "sin" and "evil"?

_Yes, I lost my husband of 21 years to the stir you now have for not sowing your oats when younger. Since he didn't want to cheat at first physically, porn was a good alternative. Then porn was not enough. He fantasied of other women. Then the fantasy became a reality and he cheated and left. He is still sowing his oats because he hasn't found the one_. *the one that he had for 21 years, he foolishly let go.

Romantic movies ignite romance.* Does this make them evil?

_Romantic movies are *NOT* porn!_


Let me ask you a question. *Where did you learn about various types of sex?* Assuming you and your partner are open to them, where did you learn about 69, anal sex, oral sex, etc.? I assume you did not read about them in 6 grade algebra book.

_I learned by actively sharing my body with my husband and him sharing himself actively with me as well. We learned together with each other! Pleasure comes with exploration of the body you fell in love with plain and simple._


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> Porn is enticing to the eyes and the libido. It turns the ignite fire on! It lights up the senses; passion, lust, fantasy etc. *Why all this is bad and makes porn "toxic"?*
> 
> _Because you fell in love with your wife without porn. Now you watch it because it is enticing to your eyes and your libido. It turns YOU on!_
> 
> ...


First, I am really sorry you lost your husband to porn addiction. However you lost it not to porn but to porn addiction which are different things. It might be hard for you to comprehend but not everyone who watches porn is going to fall for porn addiction, cheat on his wife or use porn as an alternative to the intimacy with her. Yes, porn turns me on somewhat. It turns my wife on. I do not find anything wrong with this. 

Alcohol impacts one's judgement. It does not make it evil if consumed in moderate responsible way. It does kill people and destroy families if is enters alcoholism stage. but not everyone who drinks alcohol becomes and alcoholic. I realize it is hard to admit this by people who lost someone to alcoholism . It is hard to debate second amendment with parents of Sandy Hook's victims. For them every gun is evil. I am sympathetic to them and their personal tragedy but it does not mean I agree with them.



Bibi1031 said:


> Let me ask you a question. *Where did you learn about various types of sex?* Assuming you and your partner are open to them, where did you learn about 69, anal sex, oral sex, etc.? I assume you did not read about them in 6 grade algebra book.
> 
> _I learned by actively sharing my body with my husband and him sharing himself actively with me as well. We learned together with each other! Pleasure comes with exploration of the body you fell in love with plain and simple._


Everyone's sexuality and experience is different but for us and me personally it would be very hard to lean about various types of sex, positions, ways to please each other just be "exploration of the body". If we have not learnt about these types of sex from elsewhere I guess we would still be exploring our bodies well in our 40s. And for us appropriate porn is one of the best way to discover new things and make our sex life richer and more fulfilling. 

Porn never made me fantasize about any other women, not to say cheat. It sometimes made me try new discovered things with my wife which we both find nothing wrong with.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Not sowing your oats is why you feel you missed experimenting with others. It is a thought (the stir) that turned into an action when porn entered through your eyes and you invited your wife to watch with you. That is when you thought porn was OK. 

Now you defend porn. You get defensive when we insult porn by calling it toxic. You say porn helps you feel romantic and adventurous because you learn how to please your wife. 

Lies, lies, and more lies you say to defend PORN. Try to not watch porn for 12 days straight. If you fail and succumb to watching porn before the 12 day mark, you have a problem. 

My X didn't have a porn addiction, but I believe you do!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> Not sowing your oats is why you feel you missed experimenting with others. It is a thought (the stir) that turned into an action when porn entered through your eyes and you invited your wife to watch with you. That is when you thought porn was OK.
> 
> Now you defend porn. You get defensive when we insult porn by calling it toxic. You say porn helps you feel romantic and adventurous because you learn how to please your wife.
> 
> ...


OMG, after reading your posts I feel how lucky I am that life did not give a woman with such twisted mind.

Let's spare out time and soul and not debate porn please. This is really pointless.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It might be hard to believe but I have never gone on a date with my wife as boyfriend and girlfriend. We never kissed as boyfriend and girlfriend. I never knew what it means and how it feels to have a girlfriend. We developed strongest love while being remote from each other. We wrote each other hundreds of love letters (this was pre-internet age). We became effectively "engaged" while being remote. When we finally met we were already fiancée and fiancé, we really "skipped" boyfriend/girlfriend stage and all excitement it carries.
> 
> It may sound crazy but it is my real life story.


Actually being adult BF/GF is a relatively new phenomenon. Throughout most cultures across the globe throughout much of history, some form of arranged marriage was the norm. 

Even in the west, ‘courting’ was often fairly brief and often highly chaperoned up until the last few generations. 

Even here on TAM I have seen people post that they wished they could skip the whole dating quagmire and go right into a functional relationship. 

I haven’t read all the posts on this thread, but I’m willing to bet there are a number of people that are envious of you that you were able to find someone so compatible without having to go through the minefields of dating apps and swiping right hoping for a match and going on disastrous dates and hook ups that left people feeling gross etc etc. 

In many ways you were able to avoid that and went right into a working and functional relationship without all of that.

While I do not generally support marrying young or without a good degree of life experience and dating experience—— a part of me has to concede that the fact you are in a happy and healthy marriage after all of these despite not having had to go through of of that implies to me that you hit one out of the ballpark your very first turn at bat. 

IMHO you are one of the true lucky ones.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> Romantic movies are *NOT* porn!


Maybe, although some sure look like it with actual real sex scenes.

Like Catherine Breillart's, 1999 French romance motion picture, titled "Romance". Which explicitly shows real oral sex, masturbation and nudity.

Or Michael Winterbottom's, 2004 British romance motion picture, titled "9 Songs". Also featuring real sex scenes, oral sex and real ejacualtion.

Then there is Gaspar Noé's, 2015 French romance motion picture, titled "Love". With lots of unchoreographed, raw, explicit actual sex scenes.

There is more of course, yet I'm just letting you know it's not so black and white. Anyway you should look them up, so that you can see them as well.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Actually being adult BF/GF is a relatively new phenomenon. Throughout most cultures across the globe throughout much of history, some form of arranged marriage was the norm.
> 
> Even in the west, ‘courting’ was often fairly brief and often highly chaperoned up until the last few generations.
> 
> Even here on TAM I have seen people post that they wished they could skip the whole dating quagmire and go right into a functional relationship.


I do not miss having a GF or dating at 40. I had a wife at 40. it was appropriate. But when I was 17 or 18 ( I met my wife when I was 19) and everyone had either GF or BF and I did not, this is another story.



oldshirt said:


> I haven’t read all the posts on this thread, but I’m willing to bet there are a number of people that are envious of you that you were able to find someone so compatible without having to go through the minefields of dating apps and swiping right hoping for a match and going on disastrous dates and hook ups that left people feeling gross etc etc.
> 
> In many ways you were able to avoid that and went right into a working and functional relationship without all of that.
> 
> ...


Both my wife and I and our families and friends consider its a miracle how met, how we married and how compatible we are in everything. We are from the same European culture, we are not religious at all, but we think somebody from heaven picked us for each other.

The girl at age of 21 uprooting her entire life, dropping out of college, selling everything she had then and moving to another country across the globe to be with a boy for life she NEVER kissed or even held hands with. And marrying this boy just few months later. I don't think you can find this often if at all. At least I don't know any examples.

It is also a miracle how compatible we happened to be. We never discussed any life goals or core issues (kids, money, parenting style, where we plan to live, her staying home with kids or work, where to live, money, etc.) which make or break compatibility. Not because we did not want but we because we did not know. We were young and naïve and madly in love. and we never had a single issue in our live where we had any significant difference on any of this compatibility issues. We also found we were very compatible sexually despite me having no prior sexual experience at all. We built life from ground up ourselves with no support or help. We never fought or argued. We had minor differences in our opinions but we always managed to resolve them in calm, normal dialog without any escalation or raising voice, etc. and I am not an easy character. I had my share of arguments with others in my life including some with my parents whom I love very much and our kids. But I never argued with my wife, never. Not because I had to give up on my core principles. Just because I never needed to fight or argue with her to defend my core principles. I myself cannot believe it. Maybe because I lover her so much my entire life.

So, yes I have unique treasure in my life and I value it a lot. I would not exchange it for anything else. 

But I don't think regretting not having a GF at age of 16 or 17 or 18, not experiencing that first teenage love, kiss or even sex is that crazy or weird. This has nothing to do with my life with my wife, as I said I regret nothing about in our life together. I regret a lot not being courageous enough to approach my future wife earlier and suffer silently being in love with her for few years seeing her being with others and not with me. There were situations when we were very close physically and the only thing I had to do was just to kiss her. but I did not do this and I regret this ever since my entire life.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> I can only remember a few encounters that really stood out with a few past partners and that's basically it.


This topic might make an interesting thread of its own.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I had only one not only sexual but even romantic partner in my life - my wife. I never dated, kissed or even held hands with any other woman. When I was young I was very shy and awkward around girls and I hate myself for being such.
> 
> I am married to most beautiful and sexy woman in the world, I cherish every day and every moment I am with her. I can get sex almost any time I want and almost any type I want. But with all of this my whole life I carry somewhere deep inside me these regrets that I never experienced that dynamic exciting romantic and sexual exploration period appropriate when someone is young and not yet in committed relationship. Moreover even with my wife we never actually dated as boyfriend and girlfriend, we developed that deep love when we were living far away from each other, then we moved in together already as fiancé and fiancée and got married several months later.
> 
> ...


Ok, here goes. My wife and I are the only partners either of us ever had, we were both virgins when we met and dated steady until our engagement and marriage. We are dinosaurs from a previous time, and unusual even among our peers who were doing casual sex with anyone and everyone ( the age of Aquarius lol). 

We met as teenagers and have been married a very long time. An emphatic NO! I do not have nor have I ever had the feeling to have missed anything in this life related to my wife. 

Actually am thankful missed out on all of the negatives COULD have experienced by joining the Aquarius age for awhile. When I met her, decided she was the best and no reason to look further.

I always wished had started my own business rather than working for big corporation. But now, being retired with a good income, I am thankful didn't start own business. Would still be slaving away until I join the worms.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sfort said:


> This topic might make an interesting thread of its own.


IIRC, we're similarly aged? I'm 46.

Assuming we're similarly aged let's say you played High School baseball as a teenager and then joined the city league as an adult, but quit the game at 24. Would you remember all or even most games details if asked now? Would you remember the teammates or opponents that you briefly played with and maybe grabbed a couple bar burgers and a drink with after? And, if so, would you remember the details of those interactions?

Yeah, probably not. Same thing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Porn is enticing to the eyes and the libido. It turns the ignite fire on! It lights up the senses; passion, lust, fantasy etc. Why all this is bad and makes porn "toxic"?
> 
> I am really puzzled by this fanatical porn hatred. Did you lose love one or see close friend family destroyed by porn addiction? Are you religious person as I assume every religion views porn as "sin" and "evil"?
> 
> ...


Romantic movies typically leave the explicit sex to the imagination of the viewer. Porn just lays it all out there for you. Very big difference and the fact you use this argument says a lot.

Are you really saying that porn is the only source of sex education for anything other than missionary position? I didn't realize 69, anal, etc. didn't exist before the invention of motion pictures.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Personal said:


> Maybe, although some sure look like it with actual real sex scenes.
> 
> Like Catherine Breillart's, 1999 French romance motion picture, titled "Romance". Which explicitly shows real oral sex, masturbation and nudity.
> 
> ...


Those are not "romance" movies, I would call them erotic dramas. The are soft porn. Notice not one is in from the US, because they would receive and X rating, not an R rating. They would never get into US theaters.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

My only regret is not dating and marrying my husband sooner. We knew each other since age 12, but he was too insecure and shy to ask me out and I was too much of a traditionalist to ask anyone out.
I feel like I wasted my twenties on a couple of losers who didn’t deserve me. I wish I had never met them and had been with my husband from the beginning. 
“Sowing your wild oats” is overrated. There are a lot of crazy people out there with effed up idealogies and tons of baggage. You don’t seem like the type to objectify women, so I doubt it would be as exciting as the fantasy you’ve concocted in your mind.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> *I do not miss having a GF or dating at 40. I had a wife at 40. it was appropriate. But when I was 17 or 18 ( I met my wife when I was 19) and everyone had either GF or BF and I did not, this is another story.*
> 
> 
> Both my wife and I and our families and friends consider its a miracle how met, how we married and how compatible we are in everything. We are from the same European culture, we are not religious at all, but we think somebody from heaven picked us for each other.
> ...


I met my wife when I was 16, she was 19. I did not have any really serous girlfriends before her and she is my first and only sexual partner. I don't have 1 regret about this. I didn't at year 1 or now in year 34. How could I? I am so happy and blessed with a wonderful wife and kids.

You had a first love, kiss and sex with your wife. Why is it regretful that you didn't experience those things with someone other than the woman you will love for the rest of your life? Doesn't that diminish her importance in your life? How would she react if you told her you really wish your first love and first sexual encounter were with someone else? What you have is special and yet you are having regrets about it. The only regret you have that makes some sense is that you didn't engage with her sooner.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> IIRC, we're similarly aged? I'm 46.
> 
> Assuming we're similarly aged let's say you played High School baseball as a teenager and then joined the city league as an adult, but quit the game at 24. Would you remember all or even most games details if asked now? Would you remember the teammates or opponents that you briefly played with and maybe grabbed a couple bar burgers and a drink with after? And, if so, would you remember the details of those interactions?
> 
> Yeah, probably not. Same thing.


I was asking about the few things that were special enough that you DO remember them.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sfort said:


> I was asking about the few things that were special enough that you DO remember them.


Some of my memories are totally bow chicka wow wow. A couple were remembered because it was so damn bad!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I met my wife when I was 16, she was 19. I did not have any really serous girlfriends before her and she is my first and only sexual partner. I don't have 1 regret about this. I didn't at year 1 or now in year 34. How could I? I am so happy and blessed with a wonderful wife and kids.
> 
> You had a first love, kiss and sex with your wife. Why is it regretful that you didn't experience those things with someone other than the woman you will love for the rest of your life? Doesn't that diminish her importance in your life? How would she react if you told her you really wish your first love and first sexual encounter were with someone else? What you have is special and yet you are having regrets about it. The only regret you have that makes some sense is that you didn't engage with her sooner.


You are twisting what I said. If I met and got serious relationship with my wife when I was 16 I would not probably have any regrets. But I met her and we got as a couple way later. I regret not experiencing romance and sex earlier. 

My wife got my as a virgin with no romantic or sexual "history". I don't think it has ever been really important to her.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

MEA said:


> My only regret is not dating and marrying my husband sooner. We knew each other since age 12, but *he was too insecure and shy to ask me out *and I was too much of a traditionalist to ask anyone out.
> I feel like I wasted my twenties on a couple of losers who didn’t deserve me. I wish I had never met them and had been with my husband from the beginning.
> “Sowing your wild oats” is overrated. There are a lot of crazy people out there with effed up idealogies and tons of baggage. You don’t seem like the type to objectify women, so I doubt it would be as exciting as the fantasy you’ve concocted in your mind.


*This *really seem to be me 30 years ago. And this is by far my biggest regret and I can only blame myself for this.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> *This *really seem to be me 30 years ago. And this is by far my biggest regret and I can only blame myself for this.


Does your wife know that your biggest regret in life is that you didn’t have sex with other people?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> IIRC, we're similarly aged? I'm 46.
> 
> Assuming we're similarly aged let's say you played High School baseball as a teenager and then joined the city league as an adult, but quit the game at 24. Would you remember all or even most games details if asked now? Would you remember the teammates or opponents that you briefly played with and maybe grabbed a couple bar burgers and a drink with after? And, if so, would you remember the details of those interactions?
> 
> Yeah, probably not. Same thing.


I played soccer for over a decade when I was a kid. I remember every goal I scored, every tournament we won. I specifically remember my first goal and first win.

I am very emotional person. I am sure I would remember my first date, my first kiss and my first sex if I experienced them before I met my wife. I know she does remember her first kiss, date and sex.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You are twisting what I said. If I met and got serious relationship with my wife when I was 16 I would not probably have any regrets. But I met her and we got as a couple way later. I regret not experiencing romance and sex earlier.
> 
> My wife got my as a virgin with no romantic or sexual "history". I don't think it has ever been really important to her.


Maybe I just misunderstood what you were saying. Are you saying that you have no regrets about not being with other people, just that you didn't get started earlier with your wife? If so, do you really think the regret is about not getting with her earlier, or is it really that she experienced those things with other men? Maybe you have some retroactive jealousy.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Does your wife know that your biggest regret in life is that you didn’t have sex with other people?


You try hard to paint me ungrateful man who has everything in his life.

No, I do not regret having sex with any other people. I had few times thoughts if what it means to be with another woman but I do not regret it. since I met wife no other woman even aroused me. Even if a hottest porn star or a model threw herself on me I would not even get hard not to say have any sex with her. 

If I met my wife when I was 16 and she was 14 I would never have any regrets.

Yes, I told me wife about regrets. she feels my pain, she is not offended at all.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You try hard to paint me ungrateful man who has everything in his life.
> 
> No, I do not regret having sex with any other people. I had few times thoughts if what it means to be with another woman but I do not regret it. since I met wife no other woman even aroused me. Even if a hottest porn star or a model threw herself on me I would not even get hard not to say have any sex with her.
> 
> ...


I’m not trying to paint you anything, I think you are doing that yourself. Your very first post in this thread says the exact opposite. You say it multiple times after that. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

romantic_dreamer said:


> OMG, after reading your posts I feel how lucky I am that life did not give a woman with such twisted mind.
> 
> Let's spare out time and soul and not debate porn please. This is really pointless.





Personal said:


> Maybe, although some sure look like it with actual real sex scenes.
> 
> Like Catherine Breillart's, 1999 French romance motion picture, titled "Romance". Which explicitly shows real oral sex, masturbation and nudity.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the offer, but I prefer movies that leave the best parts to our own imaginations so we can let that sex organ please our partner the best way they like to be pleasured. It is what makes something mechanical extraordinary.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Maybe I just misunderstood what you were saying. Are you saying that you have no regrets about not being with other people, just that you didn't get started earlier with your wife? If so, do you really think the regret is about not getting with her earlier, or is it really that she experienced those things with other men? Maybe you have some retroactive jealousy.


If we met my wife when I was 16, she was 14 and were each others first I would probable not have any regrets. It was not possible because we did not know each other until she was 18 and I was almost 20. And by 20 most of my friends were dating, kissing, and having sex, nothing crazy or wild, just normal teenager lives. I regret not having this. It does not undermined my love for my wife or any experience (first kiss or first sex) I had with her. They are very special to me.

When I met her I fell in love with her immediately. I could not look or think about any other girl. But I was shy and stupid to act. There were situations when we were 6 in from each other alone and I did not dare to pull her and kiss her. This is by far my biggest regret.

I don't see how all this makes me bad or ungrateful person.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> If we met my wife when I was 16, she was 14 and were each others first I would probable not have any regrets. It was not possible because we did not know each other until she was 18 and I was almost 20. And by 20 most of my friends were dating, kissing, and having sex, nothing crazy or wild, just normal teenager lives. I regret not having this. It does not undermined my love for my wife or any experience (first kiss or first sex) I had with her. They are very special to me.
> 
> When I met her I fell in love with her immediately. I could not look or think about any other girl. But I was shy and stupid to act. There were situations when we were 6 in from each other alone and I did not dare to pull her and kiss her. This is by far my biggest regret.
> 
> I don't see how all this makes me bad or ungrateful person.


So I ask again, are you really upset that you didn't experience other partners before her, or are you maybe a little jealous that she did and you didn't?

So, when she finally came to you from another country, it still took some time before you kissed and were intimate? Is that what you are saying?

As for ungrateful, I can see that somewhat. You are with the woman of your dreams for 20 years and you said in your first post:
_"I think sometimes how it actually feels to be with another woman, what that young crazy no-strings-attached sex feels like. Most of our friends who are now in committed marriages went through this period and I did not. I hate myself for these thoughts, I feel internal shame, guilt for my wife but I cannot get rid of them."_

That seems a bit ungrateful for what you have to me


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So I ask again, are you really upset that you didn't experience other partners before her, or are you maybe a little jealous that she did and you didn't?
> 
> So, when she finally came to you from another country, it still took some time before you kissed and were intimate? Is that what you are saying?
> 
> ...


The bottom line as I see it is he is upset that he didn’t have sex with other women. Cut and dry. He has tried to make it a bit more obscure yet he has stated multiple times that his biggest regret is just that.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So I ask again, are you really upset that you didn't experience other partners before her, or are you maybe a little jealous that she did and you didn't?


There was time when I was jealous but no longer. I am actually very happy she experience life the way normal young attractive girl would exploring her romance and sexuality. I regret not having the same experience but I would not want he to have the same regrets I have.



BigDaddyNY said:


> So, when she finally came to you from another country, it still took some time before you kissed and were intimate? Is that what you are saying?


No, it did not take us any time. I remember when I met her at the airport and we were going in a taxi to our apartment, we were so hot and turned on by each other we could not wait and the taxi driver said: "Please do not make baby in this car".

We had non stop sex for a week. We were so exhausted we could not crawl out of our bed.



BigDaddyNY said:


> As for ungrateful, I can see that somewhat. You are with the woman of your dreams for 20 years and you said in your first post:
> _"I think sometimes how it actually feels to be with another woman, what that young crazy no-strings-attached sex feels like. Most of our friends who are now in committed marriages went through this period and I did not. I hate myself for these thoughts, I feel internal shame, guilt for my wife but I cannot get rid of them."_


Either I was not very clear or my words are being mis-interpreted. I am not regretting having sex with other women. As I said if I met her very very young and we magically formed a couple many things may have been different. Though I am not sure I was mature enough even when I was 19 to handle her as my life long partner. So sometimes I think everything happened for a reason and the fact we were not together for few years maybe somebody in the haven decided to give me some time to mature enough so when we were finally together as a couple (virtually before physically) I could not screw up and destroy what otherwise is a life long happy dream.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> The bottom line as I see it is he is upset that he didn’t have sex with other women. Cut and dry. He has tried to make it a bit more obscure yet he has stated multiple times that his biggest regret is just that.


I think you're right. It really disrespects what he does have. I've only ever been with my wife. I would be lying if I said the thought of what sex with another women would be like, but that thought, the rare times it has occurred, was quickly put to bed. I thought why? I have my dream girl right here. I even had an opportunity when we were still dating. We broke up for a short period and for some reason I became the hot ticket for a few girls. ( I say girls because I was still a teenager) Thankfully I didn’t act. I love the fact that my wife is the only woman I’ve been with and I have zero regrets.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you're right. It really disrespects what he does have. I've only ever been with my wife. I would be lying if I said the thought of what sex with another women would be like, but that thought, the rare times it has occurred, was quickly put to bed. I thought why? I have my dream girl right here. I even had an opportunity when we were still dating. We broke up for a short period and for some reason I became the hot ticket for a few girls. ( I say girls because I was still a teenager) Thankfully I didn’t act. I love the fact that my wife is the only woman I’ve been with and I have zero regrets.


I too have only been with one partner. It was only after my STBX cheated that I regretted it. 😂


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I made sure I had fun in my early twenties... didn't last long, because I met my future wife. But boy, it was nice to be in a group 4 and being able to pick any bedroom...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> There was time when I was jealous but no longer. I am actually very happy she experience life the way normal young attractive girl would exploring her romance and sexuality. I regret not having the same experience but I would not want he to have the same regrets I have.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Again I'm confused. Here you say you were immediately intimate once physically together after only having had a virtual connection, but previously you said this: 
_"When I met her I fell in love with her immediately. I could not look or think about any other girl. But I was shy and stupid to act. There were situations when we were 6 in from each other alone and I did not dare to pull her and kiss her. This is by far my biggest regret. "_

Did you meet her in person, go separate ways, then later started to have a virtual relationship, then physically got together? Just trying to understand the timeline, but not sure if it really makes that much of a difference.

Your last paragraph is the best one I've seen from you and in my opinion is what you should be focusing on. I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason or at least being thankful that they did happen as they did. My wife was engaged prior to meeting me and I met her just a couple months after they split. I often look back and think how lucky I am that everything happened the way it did. I don't like the fact that I wasn't my wife's first love, but everything that happened prior to us meeting contributed to us being the people we love today. If I had not met her exactly when I did I'm positive I would be in a much worse off place today, without her. Stop the regretful thoughts and focus only on what you have, love and be thankful for whatever path led you there.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Again I'm confused. Here you say you were immediately intimate once physically together after only having had a virtual connection, but previously you said this:
> _"When I met her I fell in love with her immediately. I could not look or think about any other girl. But I was shy and stupid to act. There were situations when we were 6 in from each other alone and I did not dare to pull her and kiss her. This is by far my biggest regret. "_
> 
> Did you meet her in person, go separate ways, then later started to have a virtual relationship, then physically got together? Just trying to understand the timeline, but not sure if it really makes that much of a difference.
> ...


We met first when I was almost 20 and she just turned 18. Neither of us had any romantic or sexual experiences before. I literally fell in love with her when I first saw her before I said a word to her or even knew her name. But I had always been shy and awkward with girls, that's why I never dated anyone before, not because I had some sort of belief to "save myself for the one".

So she simply could not respond to me because I never shared my feelings with her or asked out or made any other sort of move. And obviously there were others who did ask her out and dated her. It has been painful to me but I do not blamer her of all this, it was my fault, not hers. I would definitely not want her to wait for me few years until I was ready to break my self imposed shyness and finally was ready to have real relationship with her. I really happy she experienced normal life.

So this continued for almost two years. We intercepted here and there as were part of larger circle. It was very painful to see her not with me. 
Finally, slowly I started opening up a but not fully. We went on few dates, just walks in a park, no holding hands or kisses or any other romantic moves. we were not a couple then yet, initially she was even dating some other guys. So slowly she started getting stronger and stronger feelings about me. Soon after she ended all other relationships and was exclusive with me. This continued for a few months but then I moved to another country for work. We did not discuss this but this separation was devastating for both of us. We both thought we would never be with each other again. She told me later she cried non stop and though she would never hear from me again. Anyway, when already in new country I called her soon after and she was so happy to hear from me. 

Then for almost a year we developed an continued our LTR love, we wrote each other hundreds love letters (physical letters, it as pre-internet age), almost every day. We called each other often (she spent almost half of her income then calling me internationally). At some point she told me she will be moving to be with me. So some time there was that magical point in time when we truly became a couple and committed to spend our lives with each other. We consider we became "engaged" then remotely though engagement was not in our culture and we never knew then what it was.

I know she was faithful to me all this time when we were living in separate countries for more than a year. Her former BFs pushed her many times to date an get together. She was in vary vulnerable positions many times but she firmly rejected any advances.

I told my parents about her moving with me and they invited her (they knew her but barely, they did not know about our LTR relationship) and her parents and got to know each other. It sounds fascinating but my parents got to know her personally more before I did and our families met without me. My parents always loved her as their own daughter. They have her childhood picture next to mine and my sister's. They also helped her with the move.

So finally she came to be with me, three years after we first met and we have been inseparable ever since. 

So this is the whole our story.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> We met first when I was almost 20 and she just turned 18. Neither of us had any romantic or sexual experiences before. I literally fell in love with her when I first saw her before I said a word to her or even knew her name. But I had always been shy and awkward with girls, that's why I never dated anyone before, not because I had some sort of belief to "save myself for the one".
> 
> So she simply could not respond to me because I never shared my feelings with her or asked out or made any other sort of move. And obviously there were others who did ask her out and dated her. It has been painful to me but I do not blamer her of all this, it was my fault, not hers. I would definitely not want her to wait for me few years until I was ready to break my self imposed shyness and finally was ready to have real relationship with her. I really happy she experienced normal life.
> 
> ...


To add to this we married quietly few months later after moving together. We only told our families and friends after we got married.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> So she simply could not respond to me because I never shared my feelings with her or asked out or made any other sort of move. And obviously there were others who did ask her out and dated her. It has been painful to me but I do not blamer her of all this, it was my fault, not hers. I would definitely not want her to wait for me few years until I was ready to break my self imposed shyness and finally was ready to have real relationship with her. *I really happy she experienced normal life.*


Thank you for the story. You really are lucky and should be thankful. You need to find a way to lose these regrets. I cut your story short and bolded a section. You experienced a "normal" life too. It is this kind of talk that keeps you in the funk of regret. You have close to a fairytale marriage, stop regretting it.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Thank you for the story. You really are lucky and should be thankful. You need to find a way to lose these regrets. I cut your story short and bolded a section. You experienced a "normal" life too. It is this kind of talk that keeps you in the funk of regret. You have close to a fairytale marriage, stop regretting it.


Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

I know we have unique fairytale life story. I posted my regrets not to undermine what I have with my wife or look for any "solutions". There are no solutions, nobody can change the past.

About why I do not regret meeting my wife at some early age so we could be each other's only, etc. Then I would not need to worry or regret dating other girls before meeting her, etc. I do not regret things that could not have happened. This just does no com to my mind. I do not regret taking her to her first school dance or sitting next to her at school class or playing toys in sand box with he when I was 5. I did not know her then and we could not have met because we grew up in different places. I regret things that could have happened but di not happen due to me personally.

But I do regret not asking girls out when I was 16 or 17 *before* I met her. I do not find this any disrespectful to my wife at all. I know that if I had dated or be sexual befoe we met or became a couple if would not have any impact on my wife or her love for me. I told her in past about this regret and she was rather sympathetic to my feelings, no hurt or offended in sense. If she told me she wanted a boy in her class at high school to ask her out when she was 15 I do not find this offensive to me. Dating other girls is not some imaginary scenario. I was surrounded by girls then, I found some of them attractive. Nobody prevented me from approaching them, talking to them, asking them out, dating them. It was me, my shyness and awkwardness that prevented me from doing what everyone around me was doing. And this is my regret.

Now about regret of not getting earlier with my wife. This is most difficult one. First, she is the love of my live and I could have gotten her way earlier and not witnessed that pain of seeing her with other boys or hearing indirectly about her sexual experience with them. This was and is painful to me. And again, this is not some hypothetical scenario. If I had just been more confident and not shy we could have been together way earlier.

What makes this regret most difficult is that I cannot discuss it with her. My wife feels she is at fault of what happened to us. She thinks she rejected me for all those years and caused me that pain though I never blamed her for this. I once told her very briefly about my pain of those years and it literally brought her to tears. It was horrible for me to see the pain to the woman I love so much. This also coincided with another event that added even more pain to this discussion. She only briefly told me about her sexual and romantic history when we moved in together. I never dared to ask her straight to tell me everything so that remained the only unspoken topic for us for many years. It honestly haunted me that there was part of her past that I did not know about. When I revealed to her my regrets I asked her to tell me everything. It was the most difficult conversation we ever had. It was very hard for her to talk about it. I wish we had this talk immediately after we moved in together but it happened 10 years through our marriage when we had two kids already. She told me that she has PIV sex few times with the guy she had some relationship with. I am not sure how strong this relationship was from her perspective and his. I did not ask her if she was madly in love with him but there was certainly some feelings involved. And she gave NSA BJ to two guys in different days at some outing that I was there too. I knew both guys personally. I never blame her for either of this but it was very painful for me to hear. This revelations did trigger some jealousy (or retroactive jealousy) from me and I senses how much she suffered to cause me this. However with years this jealousy transformed to me being happy for her to explore the life and her sexuality at fullest. I can tell you, if some hot girl offered me a NSA BJ before I met my wife I would have been happy and would not decline.

So we never brought this topic up again, it remains complete taboo for us. When we go back to the place we grew up we even try to avoid the places that remind us about those painful years. And the fact that I keep this inside me makes this regret specifically painful to me.

I understand I need to let these regrets go. That's why I posted about them to get some inspiration from people with similar situations. It seems though that those who are the first and only with their partners are very happy and have no regrets. Though most of those met their spouses earlier than I met my wife.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

One thing to think about is your are believing a fallacy.

Every step of everyday from the time you were born led you to where you are today.
So if you had asked girls out or had sex with other girls or gotten a NSA BJ (WOW). It would change where you are today. And it could certainly have changed the fact you married your wife. 

Let's say you have 15 year old sex. Bam girl get pregnant you being a stand up guy marries her. Game over.
You are dating a girl when you meet your wife. You are a stand up guy so you don't spend much time noticing or talking to your current wife.

And the game goes on.

I was popular when I was a teen and had lots of dates and lots of men who wanted to marry me. It was actually too much attention to handle well. Then I went through a 2-3 year emotionally abusive relationship with a person I was supposed to marry when we got out of college. It was a good and bad relationship/experience. I ended up being smart and running out of that relationship. 

But I'm glad I had those experiences because then when I met my husband I knew he was exactly what I wanted. 

Now in some fictional world I wish I could have meet him at 15 or 16 and get married at 18 or something and be the only experience either of us had ever had. But it wouldn't have happened that way. It happened the way it happened because that is how I got to where I am.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> One thing to think about is your are believing a fallacy.
> 
> Every step of everyday from the time you were born led you to where you are today.
> So if you had asked girls out or had sex with other girls or gotten a NSA BJ (WOW). It would change where you are today. And it could certainly have changed the fact you married your wife.
> ...


This is all true. My weak response might be that all my friends in my circle back then did engage in some sexual activity and none of them died or had their lives destroyed. Most of them are married, have children. It may not mean though that my life would not be affected had I done the same what everyone did.

Personally I think had I gotten NSA BJs before I met her it would have changed anything related to her: I would not have loved her or treasure life with her less. The opposite is also true about my wife. Had she been a virgin when she moved with me and had not sexual experiences she had would have made her love me less or had any impart on our live together or love for each other.



Anastasia6 said:


> I was popular when I was a teen and had lots of dates and lots of men who wanted to marry me. It was actually too much attention to handle well. Then I went through a 2-3 year emotionally abusive relationship with a person I was supposed to marry when we got out of college. It was a good and bad relationship/experience. I ended up being smart and running out of that relationship.
> 
> But I'm glad I had those experiences because then when I met my husband I knew he was exactly what I wanted.


So you had these experiences, bad and good. They define who you are so you realized what is bad and what is good and what I wanted. I certainly do not regret having bad experiences. I regret what others had. They had both good and bad, and nothing crashed anyone. Everyone survived somehow that stage in their lives and I personally do not think anyone in my circle regrets it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> This is all true. My weak response might be that all my friends in my circle back then did engage in some sexual activity and none of them died or had their lives destroyed. Most of them are married, have children. It may not mean though that my life would not be affected had I done the same what everyone did.
> 
> Personally I think had I gotten NSA BJs before I met her it would have changed anything related to her: I would not have loved her or treasure life with her less. The opposite is also true about my wife. Had she been a virgin when she moved with me and had not sexual experiences she had would have made her love me less or had any impart on our live together or love for each other.
> 
> ...


You missed the point. It isn't that you wouldn't have survived but it might change who you were back then, who you are now and more importantly WHO you are married to.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> You missed the point. It isn't that you wouldn't have survived but it might change who you were back then, who you are now and more importantly WHO you are married to.


That is exactly the point I was trying to make a couple posts ago. I have often dreamed of being my wife's first love and first fiancé, but she broke up with him. Could that have been me? I'm certainly glad it wasn't. I also think circumstances in her past that she has said she regrets contributed to what led to her to break up with her fiancé. I always tell her, don't regret those bad decisions you made when you were 17. Those mistakes helped shape her into the woman I love. Supposed she had a do over and avoided those things she regretted. Then she may not have broken up with her fiancé when she did and wouldn't have been available when I met her. 

This is going to sound like bragging, but I have (or had anyway) a genius IQ. Throughout elementary school I was in accelerated classes. I was in 6th grade classes when I was in 4th. Continued into Jr High School. I was on track to go to just about any college I wanted. Problem was I got into some bad things and I hated High School. I stopped attending except to show up for tests. I was still passing with A's and B's in 11th grade, but they failed me because I was absent 110 days. I would have had to repeat 11th. Instead I quit, got my GED, got married, went in the military and I've since earned engineering degrees and an MBA. Once my kids were looking for colleges and eventually went away to college it made me think that I regretted not staying in school and going the more traditional college route. Then I realized, if that had happened I would never have met my wife. That regret went right out the window

I've been in love with this woman for 34 years thanks to everything that happened to me and to her prior to us meeting. I have absolutely no regrets, never. Every mistake and failure in our past make us who we are.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is exactly the point I was trying to make a couple posts ago. I have often dreamed of being my wife's first love and first fiancé, but she broke up with him. Could that have been me? I'm certainly glad it wasn't. I also think circumstances in her past that she has said she regrets contributed to what led to her to break up with her fiancé. I always tell her, don't regret those bad decisions you made when you were 17. Those mistakes helped shape her into the woman I love. Supposed she had a do over and avoided those things she regretted. Then she may not have broken up with her fiancé when she did and wouldn't have been available when I met her.
> 
> This is going to sound like bragging, but I have (or had anyway) a genius IQ. Throughout elementary school I was in accelerated classes. I was in 6th grade classes when I was in 4th. Continued into Jr High School. I was on track to go to just about any college I wanted. Problem was I got into some bad things and I hated High School. I stopped attending except to show up for tests. I was still passing with A's and B's in 11th grade, but they failed me because I was absent 110 days. I would have had to repeat 11th. Instead I quit, got my GED, got married, went in the military and I've since earned engineering degrees and an MBA. Once my kids were looking for colleges and eventually went away to college it made me think that I regretted not staying in school and going the more traditional college route. Then I realized, if that had happened I would never have met my wife. That regret went right out the window
> 
> I've been in love with this woman for 34 years thanks to everything that happened to me and to her prior to us meeting. I have absolutely no regrets, never. Every mistake and failure in our past make us who we are.


Thank you. As I mentioned before I was not mature enough at 19 when we first met to handle serious relationship and had we formed a couple then I might have been her sexually first partner, but I am almost sure I would have screwed up something and we would have not been together today. And if this did happened it would have happened because of me not her. I know she would have been able to handle serious relationship at 18. Even with being sexually first, it might have been a rather bad experience with profound impact on our sexual futures since I was clueless sexually then and her being inexperienced too it might have been a disaster. When we first had sex, actually her having some sexual experience did help us.

Even me moving to another country and us separating for a year was necessary price (though we both consider very high) to pay. Had I stayed and we continued this awkward "dating" I am not sure when I would have been finally prepared to make a move as a man and she might have given up waiting for this step. I know for sure she would not have made the move herself first. And if this really happened I would have been miserable and suffering silently my entire life. I cannot imagine even for a moment being with someone else.

Also in our culture people often live in multi-generational homes with little privacy and older generation often interferes with lives of younger one. In modern time this leads to disaster of older generation destroying younger one's lives and marriages with rather good intentions. Even if we ended up together and eventually married knowing our families it could have been our lives and marriage destroyed. So moving to another country in addition to breaking this awkward cycle of dancing around each other with no further moves and finally become a real couple. This also provided necessary pre-requisite to start our live with clean sheet independently from both our families and our past lives an define our own destiny. We both value this opportunity fate gave us a lot.

So both my wife and I consider all this as "downpayment" to our lives together. It was rather huge downpayment but it was required to get "the house". Still I will lie if I say it does not hurt to recall all these painful years when I was waiting for her to become mine.

I am really blessed to share live with her. I don't know any woman who sacrificed so much for her man. Our entire life she has been supportive, comforting, loving partner. She never criticized me, never got mad at me even when I absolutely deserved it. She has been an inspiration for me my entire life, everything I have done, I have done either for her or thinking about her. I live my life as a mission to love her and care about her. When very rarely I am on business trip and we are apart I cannot sleep when she is not next to me in the bed. I never go to work without passionately kissing her and when I come home first she comes to greet me with that passionate kiss or if she comes home first, I drop everything I am doing and come greeting her with the kiss. When we make love we may repeat the same routine we have done thousands of times but every time it is very special to me. I treat it mentally as my first time with most amazing, hottest and beautiful woman. And I am that chosen one who has the privilege to have her.

So all this should help me cope with my regret of not getting my wife earlier. And thank you for your support.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You like your truck because you experienced Porsche before, This is the main difference. Had yo never driven Porsche you might be driving your truck constantly looking at passing Porsche and guessing what it takes to drive one.
> 
> I feel myself differently. I feel as if I got Porsche (my wife) as my first car at 16 and this will be my the only car for the rest of my life. I know internally this is the best car in the world and any other car pales in comparison with it. By driven only Porsche I think about time to time what it feels to drive any other car.


Ill take the '77 Trans Am any day.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

You’ve sort of gotten to “sow your wild oats” via porn so I guess the only thing you’ve really missed are STDs and awkward encounters with ex-lovers at Walmart.

All married porn users are essentially participating in sex outside of their marriages- for years or decades.

I’ve been guilty of it. It’s the ultimate marital hypocrisy. All the guys claiming retroactive jealousy or “I’ve never had casual sex” need to consider all of their fantasy lovers- when feeling cheated.

Also, let’s not forget that the porn industry hurts people via exploitation and sex trafficking. Recall that Pornhub just took down half their content to avoid litigation. The entire industry makes Harvey Weinstein look like a saint.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> You’ve sort of gotten to “sow your wild oats” via porn so I guess the only thing you’ve really missed are STDs and awkward encounters with ex-lovers at Walmart.
> 
> All married porn users are essentially participating in sex outside of their marriages- for years or decades.
> 
> ...


I don't know, I still would have liked to have had sex with two women at once at least one time in my life. Watching some other guy do it in a porn video didn't make it "real" for me.

Which brings up a point which might hijack this thread....so if watching that kind of stuff is deemed wrong, is it any worse to be someone IN one of the videos? Maybe thats too rhetorical to really answer?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> You’ve sort of gotten to “sow your wild oats” via porn so I guess the only thing you’ve really missed are STDs and awkward encounters with ex-lovers at Walmart.
> 
> All married porn users are essentially participating in sex outside of their marriages- for years or decades.
> 
> ...


This is really funny. If watching porn makes me "essentially participating in sex outside of my marriage" does my wife and I watching porn together make us swingers?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The OP is the poster boy for why I always say women should NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER marry a virgin.

*Ever*.

Because once a woman takes one of them under her wing and trains them and they see what they've been missing out on all those years _*before*_ marriage, they eventually start crying into their Wheaties about how 'deprived' they've been and how it's so unfair that they can't go out and get themselves some strange NOW.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The OP is the poster boy for why I always say women should NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER marry a virgin.
> 
> *Ever*.
> 
> Because once a woman takes one of them under her wing and trains them and they see what they've been missing out on all those years _*before*_ marriage, they eventually start crying into their Wheaties about how 'deprived' they've been and how it's so unfair that they can't go out and get themselves some strange NOW.


Not me. 34 years and no desire to be with another one. One is all I can handled, lol. Seriously though, I love my wife too much. She is the only woman I want. And opportunities have been there for me if I desired to cheat, no thank you!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

It is human nature to think about the road not traveled. We tend to focus on what we dont have while minimizing what we do have.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> It is human nature to think about the road not traveled. We tend to focus on what we dont have while minimizing what we do have.


Regretting something you missed in the past does not mean I minimize or underappreciate what I have in the present.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Regretting something you missed in the past does not mean I minimize or underappreciate what I have in the present.


Not saying you have. What am saying from where I am is it is easy to focus on what we dont have. For example, I regret not investing in Apple or Intel or MSF or Tesla when they started. If I replayed that and all of my poor investment choices over a lifetime, surely have regrets. But to what purpose? We dont get a redo. I rather focus on having bot some gold at $50/oz.


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## Realocean1 (Apr 21, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The OP is the poster boy for why I always say women should NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER marry a virgin.
> 
> *Ever*.
> 
> Because once a woman takes one of them under her wing and trains them and they see what they've been missing out on all those years _*before*_ marriage, they eventually start crying into their Wheaties about how 'deprived' they've been and how it's so unfair that they can't go out and get themselves some strange NOW.


I actually agree but for also the man´s sake. Not to get too philosophical but there is nothing worse as a man just about then sexual frustration which statistically most men deal with and there is an ever increasing numbers of male virgins that hasent been so common in recent history. All this due to female hypergamy which is well noted and demonstrated. In order for a man who was a virgin to cope with a more sexually experienced partner he needs to believe its divine or just accept that he was never an alpha male and that is what it is. On another note I dont regard male infidelity as bad as female and I base that on biblical sources though which may not be popular with some. 



CatholicDad said:


> You’ve sort of gotten to “sow your wild oats” via porn so I guess the only thing you’ve really missed are STDs and awkward encounters with ex-lovers at Walmart.
> 
> All married porn users are essentially participating in sex outside of their marriages- for years or decades.
> 
> ...


No they are not the same on a metaphysical level you can say it is cheating to view this porn at some level but it is not the same.


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## Realocean1 (Apr 21, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The OP is the poster boy for why I always say women should NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER marry a virgin.
> 
> *Ever*.
> 
> Because once a woman takes one of them under her wing and trains them and they see what they've been missing out on all those years _*before*_ marriage, they eventually start crying into their Wheaties about how 'deprived' they've been and how it's so unfair that they can't go out and get themselves some strange NOW.


To be fair to the OP he said he has not cheated


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## Realocean1 (Apr 21, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I cannot relate. Although aspects of my younger days were challenging, there was also a lot of fun and good and unique experiences. While I did party, and not short of male attention really, I chose not to have casual sex despite not waiting for marriage; rather, just someone that I cared deeply for and vice verse. Turns out that I met that 'someone' at a young age and he ended up being the man I married. I have not felt that I 'missed out' on experiencing sex with other people. If anything, I appreciate the experiences I have with him - that we know one another so deeply intimately and our sexual connection is compatible - and moreover, from a general relationship sense, I have learned a lot about myself and him, through navigating who we are both as individuals and as a couple. When people suggest that relationships/marriage isn't 'easy', well, I interpret that to mean that sacrifices do occur but not in the negative sense. There's a consistent negotiation of sorts to ensure that we have each others back and through personal growth. And we have experienced and continued to grow together - and growth unto itself is not always sweet and rosy, yet is certainly meaningful.
> 
> From here what can you do to stop wallowing about something that you never had? Your wallowing could be an aspect of depression or identity crises. If you continue with that wallowing, it's not going to take you anywhere helpful. What I observe about wallowing is that it's harder to do if you take stock of where you're at right now and then keep moving forward, particularly through having a purpose (something greater than yourself) and finding meaning.


Women rarely have this issue compared to men and it makes sense. The testosterone, culture and other factors what it means to be a man by many metrics. If you are not a slayer of women or never had the option it does diminish your value objectively to other males and women, it does mean at some level you are not as valuable as you think. A woman allowing a man to go between her legs isnt so easy and she doesnt let any man do it. Similarly women who select sperm donors are even more picky picking the elite of the elite. 

To be a man who had not many women at some level (unless you are some handsome famous guy who chooses not to indulge) does mean you typically are a lower status male who isn´t that desired by females or the world. That is just a brutal fact. Women dont have this concern because you dont deposit seed. Life forces and our energies are different


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Realocean1 said:


> Women rarely have this issue compared to men and it makes sense. The testosterone, culture and other factors what it means to be a man by many metrics. If you are not a slayer of women or never had the option it does diminish your value objectively to other males and women, it does mean at some level you are not as valuable as you think. A woman allowing a man to go between her legs isnt so easy and she doesnt let any man do it. Similarly women who select sperm donors are even more picky picking the elite of the elite.
> 
> To be a man who had not many women at some level (unless you are some handsome famous guy who chooses not to indulge) does mean you typically are a lower status male who isn´t that desired by females or the world. That is just a brutal fact. Women dont have this concern because you dont deposit seed. Life forces and our energies are different


I am not a woman but I do not think it is true. The man who did not sleep with a lot of woman might be and might have been desirable, he even desired these women, he just did not act on these desires. 

But I think the best evidence it is not true is my own wife. She was and has always been very beautiful, sexy girls. She got a lot of compliments from both men and women during the time we have been married. She never had shortage of attention since I knew her. She could have chosen a lot of men including those who "had a lot of women". But she did not choose them. She chose me who married her a virgin and did not have any women before her. And she chose me not because I had money (I had none when I married her), was famous or even really handsome (I consider myself an average guy).

However, she told me she really did not care how many girls I might have slept with before her (she did not know I did not have any before we we had our first sex). Not sure if it is an absolute statement. If I had slept with 10+ girls she might have had different view. 

Also I know I did not "score any extra points" but being virgin nor it "lower my score" in her eyes. She really did not care much about what had happened before we become together. But once we became a couple she has been rather possessive of me (and I of her) and we both have been a bit jealous of each other, in a good way. We respect and value this possessiveness and jealousy, we consider it part of our love for each other.


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## Realocean1 (Apr 21, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I am not a woman but I do not think it is true. The man who did not sleep with a lot of woman might be and might have been desirable, he even desired these women, he just did not act on these desires.
> 
> But I think the best evidence it is not true is my own wife. She was and has always been very beautiful, sexy girls. She got a lot of compliments from both men and women during the time we have been married. She never had shortage of attention since I knew her. She could have chosen a lot of men including those who "had a lot of women". But she did not choose them. She chose me who married her a virgin and did not have any women before her. And she chose me not because I had money (I had none when I married her), was famous or even really handsome (I consider myself an average guy).
> 
> ...


Not acting on it is a cope very few men don´t act on it and it is usually out of some religious belief (which I respect). I am just stating it factually it is true what I said I dont see how one can say it otherwise it is not easy to get between women´s legs, its not easy to be an elite sperm donor, it is not easy to be a male model or to have a large following of women who message you and desire you.

Generally speaking low male partner count is due to anxiety, religious beliefs or not being as attractive as the man thinks. We all have different paths in life and it is a touchy subject because men are continued to want to be the alpha often but this just isnt so for the vast majority of men.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Realocean1 said:


> Not acting on it is a cope very few men don´t act on it and it is usually out of some religious belief (which I respect). I am just stating it factually it is true what I said I dont see how one can say it otherwise it is not easy to get between women´s legs, its not easy to be an elite sperm donor, it is not easy to be a male model or to have a large following of women who message you and desire you.
> 
> Generally speaking low male partner count is due to anxiety, religious beliefs or not being as attractive as the man thinks. We all have different paths in life and it is a touchy subject because men are continued to want to be the alpha often but this just isnt so for the vast majority of men.


Am guessing based on the thoughts expressed that this at least partially reflects the "red pill" philosophy? Evidently some men believe they haven't landed a movie starlet or achieved the partner count they aspired to because that is somehow a fault of the female gender. I imagine there are females who ascribe to similar viewpoints about the male gender. In both cases, seems to me those are people who had their feelings badly damaged by their life's experiences. Someone who was badly betrayed by a spouse could easily conclude "that is how they all are" and find a "philosopher" somewhere on the internet who explains it RP, BP, alpha, beta, terms. As with anything, there is always a grain of truth that someone will amplify to explain how the universe works

Personally think our experiences with the opposite gender result from all of the inputs received from childhood to adulthood and is more because of that than any "conspiracy" by anyone. A male raised by a single mom may not receive the guidance to be a confident adult male, he may become shy and timid as an adult. Or, he may join a gang and become the most confident aggressive "bad boy" ever. Or he may join the military and become a leader of other men. The experiences each of these men have with females is going to be vastly different. But, somewhere in the 3-4 billion females on the planet there are bound to be more than a handful that would happily bond with any of these men be they shy bookworm, gangsta bad boy, or confident military. We just need to look for the person who is seeking someone like us.

By way of personal example, in my day, the captain of the football team and the homecoming queen were the people most sought after by the opposite sex. And both of them had their pick of who to date. None of the "nerds" like me had any thought that the homecoming queen was conspiring to not date us. All of us "nerds" happily dated the girls who responded to us asking them out. I hit the jackpot with a girl new to our school. Being shy, withdrawn, and poor financially she wasn't noticed by anyone on the football team. She was as gorgeous as the homecoming queen, just not dressed as well. I asked her out as soon as could muster the courage, and the rest is history.

Back to the "regrets" the OP expressed, didn't see anything in his original post that had anything to do with RP, BP, etc. 

Sorry for the T/J, but whenever I see this RP stuff, sometimes can't resist a comment.


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## Realocean1 (Apr 21, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Am guessing based on the thoughts expressed that this at least partially reflects the "red pill" philosophy? Evidently some men believe they haven't landed a movie starlet or achieved the partner count they aspired to because that is somehow a fault of the female gender. I imagine there are females who ascribe to similar viewpoints about the male gender. In both cases, seems to me those are people who had their feelings badly damaged by their life's experiences. Someone who was badly betrayed by a spouse could easily conclude "that is how they all are" and find a "philosopher" somewhere on the internet who explains it RP, BP, alpha, beta, terms. As with anything, there is always a grain of truth that someone will amplify to explain how the universe works
> 
> Personally think our experiences with the opposite gender result from all of the inputs received from childhood to adulthood and is more because of that than any "conspiracy" by anyone. A male raised by a single mom may not receive the guidance to be a confident adult male, he may become shy and timid as an adult. Or, he may join a gang and become the most confident aggressive "bad boy" ever. Or he may join the military and become a leader of other men. The experiences each of these men have with females is going to be vastly different. But, somewhere in the 3-4 billion females on the planet there are bound to be more than a handful that would happily bond with any of these men be they shy bookworm, gangsta bad boy, or confident military. We just need to look for the person who is seeking someone like us.
> 
> ...


I am not red pilled or whatever I know of it but I am not. I subscribe to determinism more and biological realism, Redpill does to an extent but tries to say any man can be whatever he wants within reason and I just disagree. Also by definition yeah it is women´s pickiness but it isnt a bad thing evolutionary it exists for good reason. Think of it this way, any tall man, any man with a big penis that exists today or a good strong jaw line that is only existing today and the result of past female ancestors having been picky on what type of men they allow inside them let alone to impregnate them. 

It is a necessity female sex selection is a form of eugenics ultimately. The issue today for many men is it has been accelerated with endless options on dating apps. I am not too young but am not even 30 and I have seen the changes that dating apps have done and the pickiness of females among-st female friends of mine and also just by statistics. The rising rate of male virgins and in my own circle of guys who struggle is no accident. I doubt this would of been the case in the 1990s let alone 1980s when you met people in person and through social circle. Think about it if I am a woman back then I meet a guy who is say 170cm (5´7, lets say) and lets say I a woman am 160cm (5´3) and he is handsome he is taller than me and I will give him a chance. But now a days I can easily meet a guy just as handsome who is 6 foot (183cm) and has a better body because he displays his height on the dating app and his 6 pack abs, now that shorter not as physically fit guy is out of luck. What could of been a good match lets say between these two spiritually, and compatibility wont happen and if it does it is usually after the woman (me in this case) has slept with many of these other men all along this time the 5´7 guy isnt really getting laid unless he pays for it and he is wallowing in sexual frustration. 

This is an example but it is reality backed by statistics and what I have observed in several countries I have lived in. Ultimately I think too many options is harming women (but at least they have while doing it and mass dating) but also does delay them from perhaps reaching someone more compatible and relationship orientated which a lot of females I know want, but instead they get side tracked with good looking guys who just want to bang who they match with off apps. The women get indudated with messages, thousands or hundrends and many good looking guys message not so good looking girls. As a woman you feel a spike of endorphins being validated and being pursued by men who you know deep down are better looking than you. I dont blame women for trying to turn some of these guys into boyfriends or whatever but this is just reality of what is happening. Also on a side and esoteric and religious note all the books and religions talk of telegony which some nations and scientists follow and talk of partner count taking part of your soul and leaving imprints, scars etc. The cold reality is this is likely true and all I have seen in my life leads me to believe it and thus essentially what you have now is an epidemic of men who are marrying women who are vastly sexually superior to them and if these men have healthy testosterone and jealousy levels it will be an issue. Of course the feminization of western men and factually lower testosterone and smaller testicals and rise in cuckold culture does pacify this and as such you have a trend of many men to not only accept whatever and be led by women but also for multiple men to date a woman or allow their woman to date other men.


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