# Hubby's fantasy



## emuna (Nov 1, 2016)

My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. I am of course against this idea and I feel bad I an unwilling to fulfill this fantasy of his. I'm a strong believer in monogamy. I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? Or he's just less conservative. I don't know what to feel about all of this


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

There's a reason they are called fantasies, because we don't expect them to come true.

I would not feel bad that you don't want to fulfill this one. You have boundaries and this fantasy would cross those boundaries. You just need to calmly explain that you love him and he is the only one you plan to have sex with. 

As a side note, I don't ever see a lot of good stories of couples that go down the swinger route.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Role play.....keep it a fantasy but share it between the both of you....don't feel bad at all.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

His fantasy has nothing to do with you. It is a pattern of images/scenes that he finds arousing and probably developed long before you were in the picture. 

A common male fantasy requires a partner to dress up as a schoolgirl, does not mean that the man wants to have sex with an underaged female at her school? Nope.

It is normal for you to be averse to this fantasy. Most women would have a difficult time having sex with another man that is not their partner. Even those like myself, who have tried it before, would rather avoid the drama/dangers associated with introducing outsiders to a relationship. If you run a search on this site for swinging and cockolds, you will find many threads where this issue is discussed. The main advice is to avoid this at all costs.

It's best if you do your own research to find out more about your husbands fantasy and the experiences of others who have gone down that path. In no way should you feel forced to engage in this activity to please your husband. 

This is one fantasy I personally would have zero interest in fulfilling based on my past experiences and my current view about relationship dynamics.

*
Edited to add: Considering your husband has been having an emotional affair - HELL NO. Have you put an end to that? Why are you even discussing fantasies at this point? The focus should be on counselling to deal with him disrespecting you for so long!*


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage. Maybe he's trying, in a round about way, to say that after you have sex with someone else, then he wants to do the same.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage. Maybe he's trying, in a round about way, to say that after you have sex with someone else, then he wants to do the same.


Considering her husband is having a one-sided emotional affair with another woman at the moment, this is highly probable. He's a bit of a snake, isn't he.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage. Maybe he's trying, in a round about way, to say that after you have sex with someone else, then he wants to do the same.


I wouldn't be surprised if that is exactly what this is, a set up. So he now has ammo if she brings up his relationship with his disrespectful "female friend" and he can slowly weasel this into him having sex with other women (if he hasn't done that already).


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

this seems to be coming up a lot more these days, or does it just seem so?
is it the sign of the times, or just the old 'there were always car chases, but now they show them on the news more, so we think there are more' type thing???

don't feel bad. you're probably in the 90% of married men and women that would not do it, so why feel bad?

don't yield, don't give in if it conflicts with your beliefs. period.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if that is exactly what this is, a set up. So he now has ammo if she brings up his relationship with his disrespectful "female friend" and he can slowly weasel this into him having sex with other women (if he hasn't done that already).


I'm thinking that he already did it and his wife would jump at the chance to have sex with someone else. He's probably bummed she doesn't want to.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You have boundaries. Your H needs to respect that. Your H needs to work on his boundaries.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage.


Penises can't think that far ahead.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I agree, role play. Try out Strangers in a bar. Check it out on reddit, lots of stories about it.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

emuna said:


> My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. I am of course against this idea and I feel bad I an unwilling to fulfill this fantasy of his. I'm a strong believer in monogamy. I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? Or he's just less conservative. I don't know what to feel about all of this


For me, human sexuality is the most difficult of behaviors to understand. Why do people do what they do. Why do they dream of things that they want to do which are so different than vanilla sex. Think of it a moment, what is the root cause? Bondage, leather, dressing as the opposite sex, pretending to be a horse, wanting to be urinated (or defecated) on, whips, rape fantasy the list goes on and on. There is only a few shreds of commonality. It all happens in the brain until it is acted upon. Acting out some of these behaviors is often destructive to relationships and to self image.

Why then?

I have this theory I've put some thought into. It is what I call chemical imprinting. At various points in our childhood we become sexually aroused and there is a corresponding release triggered in the endocrine system. That hormonal secretion coupled with sights, smells during sexual arousal imprint in our psyche in such a way as to cause a strong associations and manifest in future behaviors.

I can offer no practical solutions for you. I know that the above tangent is crazy and hard to believe but any answer to a portion of why we behave as we do will necessarily be off the wall.

I do know from experience that open marriages do not work out except in the most rare cases. I do know that good men are often driven by forces within them to want both a solid marriage and the fulfillment of their fantasy life. Don't forget that you are just as important as he and that what you want counts too. Humor is a good tool. Good luck.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

So.....
He is having an emotional affair with someone he used to work with. They have made fun of you. Now he wants someone else to have sex with you?

Get the hell away from this obviously toxic individual.
(My snappy answer to this would be, go right ahead and have sex with someone else, after your divorce, when you meet someone nice and NORMAL!)


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

emuna said:


> My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. ......I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? ....





Lostinthought61 said:


> Role play.....keep it a fantasy but share it between the both of you....don't feel bad at all.





jb02157 said:


> I'm surprised that he wants this. It can only weaken your marriage. Maybe he's trying, in a round about way, to say that after you have sex with someone else, then he wants to do the same.


Dear emuna;

I think that you get to set your own boundaries. I agree with the others that turning this fantasy into reality is not a good idea. If you are willing to allow him to explore this fantasy then role playing is definitely the way to explore it and not make it too real.

I agree with most of the other comments you have gotten, but will add one slight variation. From what I have read, many unfaithful partners actually subconsciously do things to sabotage their own marriage, as that provides them with an "easy out" in asking for divorce. It allows them to paint themselves as the victim and you the villain. His desire to see you have sex with another man may be his way of trying to sabotage his marriage to you that is interfering with his affair. 

if you are pretty sure he is having some kind of affair and he is suggesting things like this, I think that you marriage is in crisis and you should seek professional help, assuming you want to save your marriage.

Good luck.


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## emuna (Nov 1, 2016)

thank you for your advice. I am considering getting the D paperwork today at the family courthouse. Our MC is obviously not working.. Waste of money we've been putting into it since August.




Young at Heart said:


> Dear emuna;
> 
> I think that you get to set your own boundaries. I agree with the others that turning this fantasy into reality is not a good idea. If you are willing to allow him to explore this fantasy then role playing is definitely the way to explore it and not make it too real.
> 
> ...


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## emuna (Nov 1, 2016)

thank you for your advice. I am getting the Divorce paperwork today at the family courthouse.. After reading everyone's posts on this and elsewhere on other topics I've talked about, Our MC is obviously not working.. I see the light. It's a colossal Waste of money we've been putting into it since August.




Young at Heart said:


> Dear emuna;
> 
> I think that you get to set your own boundaries. I agree with the others that turning this fantasy into reality is not a good idea. If you are willing to allow him to explore this fantasy then role playing is definitely the way to explore it and not make it too real.
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't get it but some guys like it. Not sure it this is hot wife or just swinging. I like to think of the person I am with as mine.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think of there being "pretend" fantasies, "real" fantasies, and obsessions.

Pretend fantasies are things like being abducted by pirates, or being a sex instructor at a Turkish Harem. Things that aren't possible or you wouldn't really want but might be fun to roleplay. In an ideal world everyone would feel free to discuss these with their partners. 

"real" fantasies are things you might really want to try like a 3-some, or sex in a church or something. As long as the person suggesting them is OK with hearing "no", then I don't see a problem. 

Obsessions are when some real fantasy starts to be demanded. Somoene constantly pestering their partner for a 3-some would be an example of a problem.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Not sure what kind of man would want to share his wife.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

uhtred said:


> I think of there being "pretend" fantasies, "real" fantasies, and obsessions.
> 
> Pretend fantasies are things like being abducted by pirates, or being a sex instructor at a Turkish Harem. Things that aren't possible or you wouldn't really want but might be fun to roleplay. In an ideal world everyone would feel free to discuss these with their partners.
> 
> ...


Interesting way to group things. A classical definition of a fetish is something required to arousal or sexual satisfaction; sort of your obsession.

As to the pretend fantasies, yes that should be fair game to discuss among a committed couple, but often it isn't.

As to the real fantasies, that is where things get interesting.

I believe that a husband and wife should be able to share with each other their deepest, darkest, scariest thoughts. However, that takes an extreme level of trust that your partner will never use that against you in some kind of emotional fight, or change their respect for you. 

I like to think that if a person has to keep a part of their sexuality hidden from their partner, then who can they tell or let that out to? 

Still some partners would react very negatively to being told some "real fantasy" even if they knew that it crossed a boundary and they weren't going to allow it to happen. How they react could destroy the ability to share other thoughts. 

From what I have read, there are a lot of escorts and dominatrix who make lots of money doing things for husbands who don't feel they can tell their wife what they would like to experience. I think that is really sad. I am also sure that there are also wives who do things with strange men that they would never confess to their husbands. Again, it is a shame that people are afraid of sharing their sexuality and sexual curiosity with their spouse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes, its sad, especially if its something the partner could do so easily. Dress and talk like a pirate. Give them a spanking. Wear a harem outfit or cowboy boots. I think many of these things would be so easy to do if only people didn't sometimes react with "what sort of pervert are you to want THAT". 






Young at Heart said:


> snip
> From what I have read, there are a lot of escorts and dominatrix who make lots of money doing things for husbands who don't feel they can tell their wife what they would like to experience. I think that is really sad. I am also sure that there are also wives who do things with strange men that they would never confess to their husbands. Again, it is a shame that people are afraid of sharing their sexuality and sexual curiosity with their spouse.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

emuna said:


> My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. I am of course against this idea and I feel bad I an unwilling to fulfill this fantasy of his. I'm a strong believer in monogamy. I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? Or he's just less conservative. I don't know what to feel about all of this




*I've heard that one quite a few times already. Could be he is already seeing another woman or wants an excuse to see another woman.
*
He married you and no one else.

Marriage vows, under God and both sets of parents.

If marriage is only a piece of paper, screw around.

If marriage is more than a piece of paper, don't commit purposeful adultery.

Marriage = monogamy, faithful to each other.

If he's bent on you having sex with another man, I would move on and find a new husband because he doesn't truly love or respect you.

If I said to Mrs.CuddleBug, I want you to be pounded by another man, while I watch....she would look at me, disgusted, freak out and nope or divorce.

What would it be okay to watch your hubby have sex with another woman? No.

No different the other way around.

Sounds like he shouldn't of got married.

My fantasy is to watch another woman have sex with Mrs.CuddleBug.....of course, its just a fantasy of mine and I do not pressure her to do this. It's only a fantasy, my fantasy and probably not hers.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> My fantasy is to watch another woman have sex with Mrs.CuddleBug.....of course, its just a fantasy of mine and I do not pressure her to do this. It's only a fantasy, my fantasy and probably not hers.


If she was into it would you go ahead with the idea and turn fantasy into reality?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

browser said:


> If she was into it would you go ahead with the idea and turn fantasy into reality?



That is the million dollar question isn't it? I consider it a test of your morals, ethics and marriage vows.

I'm honestly 50/50 on that.

My male sexual fantasy would be fulfilled, true, be then that box would be opened and cannot be closed. Damage in the long term would be done and our marriage might end in divorce. 

She might like the ladies, realizes this and the reason she is LD...? 

I might want to have sex with another woman while she watches......and it gets out of hand.

Fantasy, yes. Reality, probably not.

Now if I was single......different story.

Playing with fire, you will get burned.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Playing with fire, you will get burned.


Probably. But you might also discover cooking, pottery, metallurgy, steam engines, and central heating. Dangerous things can also be very beneficial when treated with respect.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> That is the million dollar question isn't it? I consider it a test of your morals, ethics and marriage vows.
> 
> I'm honestly 50/50 on that.


After all that marriage vows monogamy faithful stuff you wrote about, there's a 50% chance you'd just go ahead and do it anyway?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Probably not a welcome comment but i dont understand why him sharing a fantasy that you dont agree with being grounds for a divorce. It is actually a pretty common fantasy and unless he is trying to coerce you into fulfilling it i think it is just open communication which based on the reaction to his sharing, i suspect isn't very good. I would be pretty afraid to share things with my wife if this was going to be her reaction.

Just because its his fantasy that doesn't mean your obligated to fill it. I like the suggestion of using it as role play ammunition. You can use the fantasy to spice things up without actually doing it.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

emuna - I'm offering my opinion a little late here, but I also doubt your husband's motives.

When both partners in a relationship are in a good place trust-wise, they are able to be truly honest with their partners. They can be honest (without worrying about shame or judgement) about both their own fantasies and their responses to their partner's fantasies. Depending on how that conversation goes, it becomes clear whether any further action/decision could be taken. 

But, from what you have said previously, your marriage is not in a place like this at all. You have clear (justifiable) trust issues that you have been trying to resolve for several months now. In your current marriage climate, I'd interpret your husband's sharing of his fantasy as not just insensitive, but offensively disrespectful. 

FWIW, I also think that he is trying to find a way to have his cake and ... actually have another cake as well. Have you confronted him yet with what you know about the actual substance of his conversations with the OW?


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

bankshot1993 said:


> Probably not a welcome comment but i dont understand why him sharing a fantasy that you dont agree with being grounds for a divorce. It is actually a pretty common fantasy and unless he is trying to coerce you into fulfilling it i think it is just open communication which based on the reaction to his sharing, i suspect isn't very good. I would be pretty afraid to share things with my wife if this was going to be her reaction.
> 
> Just because its his fantasy that doesn't mean your obligated to fill it. I like the suggestion of using it as role play ammunition. You can use the fantasy to spice things up without actually doing it.


bankshot1993 - I'd normally agree with you, but emuna has another thread going which covers her background issues with her husband. IMO, her current marital climate means that this isn't a healthy sharing of fantasies, but rather a specific attempt to manipulate (and perhaps even devalue) his wife.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hifromme67 said:


> Not sure what kind of man would want to share his wife.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


*They would call him "Mr. Cuckold!"*


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

browser said:


> After all that marriage vows monogamy faithful stuff you wrote about, there's a 50% chance you'd just go ahead and do it anyway?



It's the ultimate temptation.

In the end, I probably wouldn't do it.

But when single......


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> It's the ultimate temptation.
> 
> In the end, I probably wouldn't do it.
> 
> But when single......


If single, then you can't fulfill a fantasy about sharing your wife, because you won't have a wife.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

browser said:


> If single, then you can't fulfill a fantasy about sharing your wife, because you won't have a wife.



and there lies the conundrum.....:laugh::grin2:0


To summarize, when married, you are faithful to each other and not sleep with other people because you lust for it. Adultery my friend. Many have forgotten....


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

To further summarize.

Another reason not to get married, then you can have both of them without committing adultery!


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

emuna said:


> My husband admitted a fantasy last night that he wouldn't mind trying swinging and watching me have sex with another guy. I am of course against this idea and I feel bad I an unwilling to fulfill this fantasy of his. I'm a strong believer in monogamy. I don't know if it means he just does not love me like I thought ? Or he's just less conservative. I don't know what to feel about all of this




Normally I'd say give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Be the wife that listens ,communicates and work through any conversation that is uncomfortable or even offensive. Even in his fantasy. 

However, I saw your post about your H "friend"

I pray you get through divorce proceedings with grace. Find someone who loves you for you. Cherishes you and your children. This man does not love you or honor you. That's his loss he's the idiot. 

Good luck to you 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

browser said:


> To further summarize.
> 
> Another reason not to get married, then you can have both of them without committing adultery!



You got it.

Marriage is for those people who have matured and want to spend the rest of their lives with each other.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> You got it.
> 
> Marriage is for those people who have matured and want to spend the rest of their lives with each other.


Marriage is for foolish individuals who haven't figured out it's a failed concept with nothing to gain and everything to lose, who haven't grasped the concept that you get all the same benefits by being in an exclusive, committed relationship sometimes even going far enough to sign a domestic partnership agreement such as I did.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

browser said:


> Marriage is for foolish individuals who haven't figured out it's a failed concept with nothing to gain and everything to lose, who haven't grasped the concept that you get all the same benefits by being in an exclusive, committed relationship sometimes even going far enough to sign a domestic partnership agreement such as I did.



Exactly.

Marriage isn't like buying a sandwich. Marriage is tough and very tough at times and not for everyone.

That's why being single, not getting married, is the better option, until those people mature and want to spend the rest of their lives faithful together instead of sleeping around and trying to justify it away.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> Marriage isn't like buying a sandwich. Marriage is tough and very tough at times and not for everyone.


According to current statistics, marriage isn't for about half of all individuals who exchange vows for the first time and it isn't for 2/3's of individuals who are exchanging them for 2 or more times. 



CuddleBug said:


> That's why being single, not getting married, is the better option, until those people mature and want to spend the rest of their lives faithful together instead of sleeping around and trying to justify it away.


You seem to be forgetting about a third option. For those who want to spend the rest of their lives together and remain faithful- they do this in an exclusive committed relationship, until they no longer want to be together anymore. 

You are attempting to establish a connection between "marriage" and "maturity" that is simply not there. 

So-called "mature" people are still subject to the same, shall we call them "personality flaws" that so-called "immature" people are, including but not limited to anger management issues, gambling and drug addiction, financial irresponsibility, and sexual infidelity. Yes, even grown up people can cheat.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

So to hear about your divorce. That can be a difficult time in life. I wish you and your family the best!

Nefarious 'set-up' aside, quite a lot of research has gone into this topic of cuckolding. One theory offered in Sex at Dawn is that humans evolved from small collectives which included group mating. Humans practiced 'last male precedence" in which the alpha male went last to inseminate the female. Doing so increased his chances of successfully fertilizing the egg. The waiting (and watching) increases arousal and the likelihood of of a more robust ejaculation.

Todd Shackelford tested parts of this theory and found that human sperm contains seeker sperm designed to seek and destroy a rivals sperm. He also demonstrated that the glans (the penis head) evolved to displace a rival's sperm and that the purpose of the refractory period is to prevent an individual from displacing one's own semen. Finally, he demonstrated that the length a make spends away from his mate, the more high his sperm count will be ostensibly to overwhelm a rivals sperm.

Dan Savage (Savage Love) calls this human sperm competition.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Mizzbak said:


> emuna - I'm offering my opinion a little late here, but I also doubt your husband's motives.
> 
> When both partners in a relationship are in a good place trust-wise, they are able to be truly honest with their partners. They can be honest (without worrying about shame or judgement) about both their own fantasies and their responses to their partner's fantasies. Depending on how that conversation goes, it becomes clear whether any further action/decision could be taken.
> 
> ...


Yeah, this.

If I had fantasies involving my wife and/or I, I'd be able to tell them to her because we have a mutual trust. In OP's case, her husband does not have her trust. Worse, he knows this (or is too dumb to realize it). Therefore bringing it up now is only self-serving. Even if OP was into this, the timing isn't right.

He's brought it up now for one of two reasons. Either what others have said above (it's, in his mind, a way of equalling out his lust for another woman and/or a bridge to "allow" him to sleep with somebody else) or the marriage is on the rocks so why the hell not?

About 2 or so years before my XW left me for another man, she told me I was 'allowed' to get BJ's from other women, if I so chose. At that point in our relationship, she was not able to give me oral sex because she had TMJ/lockjaw (she really did). This was her justification for 'allowing' me to get this elsewhere - she said. I obviously declined, but simply did not see through her real motives.

At the time, I genuinely thought she was just being nice, and they were just words, and obviously I would decline (had no interest in that, anyway). In retrospect, it's clearly obvious it was her trying to balance something out. Whether she just lusted after somebody else, or she had been physical with someone, who knows. I should have known better, though.


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