# Questions about choosing therapist



## TooNice

A little history...
I was in IC a number of years ago for depression and some family and self esteem issues I had to deal with. I did well and stopped going. Husband and I decided a couple years later that MC would be good, so we had some sessions with someone at the same place (someone I hadn't seen before, just the same clinic). Didn't really resolve much-just bandaged it for a while.

Fast forward to now. 

Husband has decided that our marriage cannot be saved. Is in some long overdue IC and seems to like the person he is seeing. I was looking through my list of options today, and came home and mentioned that there are a lot of people on my list from his place. My immediate thought was that it would be weird for us to go to the same place, but he doesn't feel that way. Just wouldn't want me to see the same person. 

Here are my questions... Is it better to go somewhere else completely? Might there be some benefit to us going to the same place? Would my own IC be hindered by the hope that maybe if we are at the same place we can authorize our people to talk and maybe they'll say we should do MC? And then he'll listen and try? 

Geez...how pathetic do I sound?
Does that make any sense at all? I still feel like if he gets some of his own stuff sorted out maybe we could give it another go... But of course, that's in my head, not his.


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## Mr The Other

It does not sound pathetic. If it sounds a bit bad, this is why we come to this corner of the internet.

Is it that you that you will be choosing an MC who is in the same building at the IC? As long as it is not the same person, I do not see much issue.


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## TooNice

Thanks, Mr.
My fear is simply of searching for hope where I should just be letting go. Although, now that I think about it, maybe it can work both ways. If we do agree to allow our different therapists to talk to one another, maybe it can help me to know that I do need to move on. I'm thrilled that he is in IC, but he really feels no need for MC. He's decided that our marriage is over. If we are at the same place, maybe, just maybe we can get to a point where we try a few MC sessions. It would make me feel better about his decision. 

I'm glad he didn't get weirded out by the thought of me coming to the same place. He's never been in therapy before, so I was giving him space and trying to be respectful. 

I know my message was kind of rambling and odd...I'm trying hard to be strong and lost it for a second there!


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## Mr The Other

A MC cannot work wonders and it is hard to work back from the point where one has decided that it is over.

However, there are many on here with far more wisdom and experience than me.


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## anchorwatch

Try to browse this...

Find a Marriage Counselor

Here are some last stand 911 type programs...

Marriage Help Program For Couples

Save My Marriage | A New Beginning | Couples Workshop For Troubled Marriages


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## Thor

I think you should pick the person who seems to be the best IC for you regardless of where they are located. I doubt your IC will talk with his IC even if you approve of it.

If you do MC, the MC may want to consult with your IC briefly. I could see how they might get some valuable head start data, but I have never heard of such a consultation. It is very common for a MC to see you individually once in a while, but it is always as part of the MC process.

If your husband is resistant to MC you can't force him to go or force him to participate meaningfully.


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## TooNice

Thanks all for your input. I was flustered and overwhelmed (as always) when I wrote this, and I know this was a rambling post. It's fully based on the fact that I am still not completely on board with HIS decision, and tending to be a fairly positive person, still hoping for a turnaround.

Yes, I know it's something I need to work on. I need to face the music, as it were. Where I see a therapist will not change his mind. But for half a second, I has this weird, irrational glimmer. I'm starting to see that those can show up in the most unexpected places, and this was one of them. 

I probably will see someone at his clinic, but more because it is convenient, they have good hours, and several therapists who fit what I am looking for. If I go there, it will be for solid reasons, and to get what I need to walk away a stronger woman.


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## Thor

Bothtoonice said:


> But for half a second, I has this weird, irrational glimmer. I'm starting to see that those can show up in the most unexpected places, and this was one of them.


I've had a few of those irrational glimmers! My therapist calls it "Distorted Thinking".

What has helped me is to try to understand my wife's thought process. Not that I have to agree at all with her side, just that I should understand how she processes the world. Her values are not the same as mine. Her assumptions and ground rules are different. Her needs are different. I view marriage as one thing, she views it as something very different.

This helped me to stop feeling anguish when she does something which used to leave me wondering how she could have done it. It was not something I would ever do, so it seemed so confusing why she would do it.

In a way this is simply acceptance of the other person, where I cease trying to change her, and where I no longer have to explain my side. I can judge her behavior as either acceptable or not, without having to make it "bad" if it is unacceptable, and without me having to be in some superior moral position for not liking it. The sum total of her behavior is then either acceptable or not with regards to me staying or leaving the marriage, without her having to be "evil" for me to leave.


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