# 38 Years - Trials, Tribulations and Love



## BootsAndJeans

I am posting this here, because ultimately, we have had and do have a successful marriage. This is not to say life has been roses every day. We have had our issues, but have overcome them. She came from a stable family, I came from a broken and dysfunctional home and had (probably still have) abandonment issues because of it.

I met her in high school, when I was a senior. I attended college in our hometown and we married the summer after she graduated. After marriage, I accepted a scholarship at a larger university in a larger city and we moved there. I went to school and worked part time, she got a job at a car dealership. Overall, I was doing ok in school and in our marriage for about 8 months. My wife, who by this time was 18 and I was 20, started talking non-stop about this "wonderful" sales manager at her job, how smart, charming, etc. that he was. Being young and not mature, I blew up at her and got jealous. She cried and stopped mentioning him. A few days or weeks later, I honestly cannot remember exactly from 37 years ago, one of the women she worked with, came to where I worked one afternoon and warned me about this guy. That if my wife was not cheating with him, she was seriously infatuated with him and that he had a reputation and history as what would now be described as a player. I decribe this as "the incident'".

Due to me being very young, not confident and my abandonment issues, instead of addressing this with her, I panicked. I immediately dropped out of school and told her we were moving back to our hometown. We moved back and went on with our lives. To this day, I have never brought this incident up with her again. Frankly, whether she had a love affiar with his guy or was just infatuated with him is a moot point. In the intervening years, I joined the military and we raised two amazing children. Twice, "the incident" really bothered me and I reacted badly to it, badly enough to almost destroy our marriage and family.

The first time was after our first child was born. My wife became totally focused on our child, beyond what is normal. She cut me out completely, in every way. She took care of him, she did not want my help and she withdrew affection from me. In retrospect, I really wish there had been pre-parental counseling of some sort. Anyway, about 10 months after he was born, Iraq invaded Kuwait and I volunteered to deploy. I volunteered for every combat mission I could, I really had no desire to continue living as I had been. Obviously, I survived. When this happened, my abandonment issue and of her withdrawing from me caused "the incident" to really bother me. When I got back, I told her I would not live like this anymore and we found counseling.

The second event was in the late 1990's. I was out of active duty by this time and we were raising our still small children. For whatever reason, she withdrew sexually and emotionally from me and I from her. I also had employment issues around this time, and my abandonment issue caused "the incident" to really effect me. I decided again, that we needed to start again. Her and the kids moved in with my parents and I left the state to try and find a job somewhere else on the West Coast. Again, I felt my life was in free-fall and did not want to live anymore. One night, I found myself at a scenic overlook in the Sierra Nevada mountains and was going to jump off a cliff. Something in my mind told me there was something wrong. I drove to the nearest VA hospital and checked myself in. Turned out I had a chemical imbalance, plus PTSD, which was mostly caused by war time stuff.

Since then, I have established a successful civilian career and our children have graduated from college and started their own lives. I have really focused on dealing with my own mental issues. This year, I was diagnosed with renal cancer and had surgery ( I am cancer free) . My surgeon told me that the tumor probably started 8 - 12 years ago. In the last 10 years, my wife and I had only been intimate once. The cancer and subsidiary effects really effected me, I felt like crap but did not know why. I was constantly fatigued, my sex drive died, I gained weight, etc.

Two months after recvovering from a full nephrectomy, I started feeling better than I had in a decade. Exercising has helped, I have lost 30 lbs. so far. More importantly for me at least, mentally I am back to feeling normal again. On top of it, my sex drive returned and we have intimacy again. I no longer fear abandonment from her. Sh is a wonderful wife and probably better than I deserve. Whatever really happened 37 years ago no longer bothers me and I am not going to pick that particular scab. I love her with all that I am and I know that she truly loves me.


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## TexasMom1216

Thank you for your service, and congratulations on being cancer free.


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## BeyondRepair007

BootsAndJeans said:


> I am posting this here, because ultimately, we have had and do have a successful marriage. This is not to say life has been roses every day. We have had our issues, but have overcome them. She came from a stable family, I came from a broken and dysfunctional home and had (probably still have) abandonment issues because of it.
> 
> I met her in high school, when I was a senior. I attended college in our hometown and we married the summer after she graduated. After marriage, I accepted a scholarship at a larger university in a larger city and we moved there. I went to school and worked part time, she got a job at a car dealership. Overall, I was doing ok in school and in our marriage for about 8 months. My wife, who by this time was 18 and I was 20, started talking non-stop about this "wonderful" sales manager at her job, how smart, charming, etc. that he was. Being young and not mature, I blew up at her and got jealous. She cried and stopped mentioning him. A few days or weeks later, I honestly cannot remember exactly from 37 years ago, one of the women she worked with, came to where I worked one afternoon and warned me about this guy. That if my wife was not cheating with him, she was seriously infatuated with him and that he had a reputation and history as what would now be described as a player. I decribe this as "the incident'".
> 
> Due to me being very young, not confident and my abandonment issues, instead of addressing this with her, I panicked. I immediately dropped out of school and told her we were moving back to our hometown. We moved back and went on with our lives. To this day, I have never brought this incident up with her again. Frankly, whether she had a love affiar with his guy or was just infatuated with him is a moot point. In the intervening years, I joined the military and we raised two amazing children. Twice, "the incident" really bothered me and I reacted badly to it, badly enough to almost destroy our marriage and family.
> 
> The first time was after our first child was born. My wife became totally focused on our child, beyond what is normal. She cut me out completely, in every way. She took care of him, she did not want my help and she withdrew affection from me. In retrospect, I really wish there had been pre-parental counseling of some sort. Anyway, about 10 months after he was born, Iraq invaded Kuwait and I volunteered to deploy. I volunteered for every combat mission I could, I really had no desire to continue living as I had been. Obviously, I survived. When this happened, my abandonment issue and of her withdrawing from me caused "the incident" to really bother me. When I got back, I told her I would not live like this anymore and we found counseling.
> 
> The second event was in the late 1990's. I was out of active duty by this time and we were raising our still small children. For whatever reason, she withdrew sexually and emotionally from me and I from her. I also had employment issues around this time, and my abandonment issue caused "the incident" to really effect me. I decided again, that we needed to start again. Her and the kids moved in with my parents and I left the state to try and find a job somewhere else on the West Coast. Again, I felt my life was in free-fall and did not want to live anymore. One night, I found myself at a scenic overlook in the Sierra Nevada mountains and was going to jump off a cliff. Something in my mind told me there was something wrong. I drove to the nearest VA hospital and checked myself in. Turned out I had a chemical imbalance, plus PTSD, which was mostly caused by war time stuff.
> 
> Since then, I have established a successful civilian career and our children have graduated from college and started their own lives. I have really focused on dealing with my own mental issues. This year, I was diagnosed with renal cancer and had surgery ( I am cancer free) . My surgeon told me that the tumor probably started 8 - 12 years ago. In the last 10 years, my wife and I had only been intimate once. The cancer and subsidiary effects really effected me, I felt like crap but did not know why. I was constantly fatigued, my sex drive died, I gained weight, etc.
> 
> Two months after recvovering from a full nephrectomy, I started feeling better than I had in a decade. Exercising has helped, I have lost 30 lbs. so far. More importantly for me at least, mentally I am back to feeling normal again. On top of it, my sex drive returned and we have intimacy again. I no longer fear abandonment from her. Sh is a wonderful wife and probably better than I deserve. Whatever really happened 37 years ago no longer bothers me and I am not going to pick that particular scab. I love her with all that I am and I know that she truly loves me.


Hey @BootsAndJeans thats quite a story. And wonderfully told. I’m impressed that your wife managed to only have that 1 “incident”, a lot of what happens here with couple is not at all like that. You’re a luck guy.

Thank you again for your service. I’m glad you’re happy and adjusted, why don’t you hang around here and tell other folks how to get that.


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## sideways

You've certainly persevered through quite a bit.

Glad you're cancer free and in a good place with your wife.


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## BootsAndJeans

Thanks all. I am here on TAM because we are at one of those transition times. My recovery and our aging changes. I will do all in my power to strengthen and preserve our marriage. Besides our happiness, we have tried to be an example for our children.


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## BeyondRepair007

BootsAndJeans said:


> Thanks all. I am here on TAM because we are at one of those transition times. My recovery and our aging changes. I will do all in my power to strengthen and preserve our marriage. Besides our happiness, we have tried to be an example for our children.


Transition? What’s that mean? How are you in transition? Things sound so good, what’s the trouble?


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## BootsAndJeans

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Transition? What’s that mean? How are you in transition? Things sound so good, what’s the trouble?


Retirement approaching


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## BeyondRepair007

BootsAndJeans said:


> Retirement approaching


Ah ya… I’m with you brother.
what are your plans for staying busy?


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## BootsAndJeans

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Ah ya… I’m with you brother.
> what are your plans for staying busy?


Reckon we are going to travel more, to include motorcycling. Go play with the grandkids and kids. We are both also committed to maintaining physical fitness. My parents have been a great bad example of not being fit and the resultant problems thereof.


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