# In the middle



## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

I am currently married but going through a separation. I recently fell in love with a co-worker who says she feels the same. We have not touched each other as we chose to wait until the separation has been finalized. She revealed today that she has regular sex with a long time friend. Most recently last week.

I feel betrayed and humiliated. But I don't know why as she is still single and free to do as she likes. We are not together but I feel like she cheated on me. It doesn't feel right to ask her to not date other guys but it still hurts a lot. 

I feel like I won't be able to get over this as I have been cheated on before and it is a terrible and long lasting feeling. 

Should I continue as planned with my coworker or end things here and move on with life?

Thank you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Just end it.
Date someone single when your divorce is final. Separated is not divorced. 
You have no right to make demands on a single woman when you’re still very much tied to your wife.
When you get to being a single guy then date.

It rarely goes well to date at the place where you work.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yeah continue with the separation, that’s the fair thing to do for your ex-wife. Does your wife know the truth?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

In normal circumstances I would agree with the poster who said that you have no right to stop this woman from dating when you refused to date her yourself. However, you said that she told you that she loves you and was willing to wait until your separation was finalised. Her behaviour does not sound like the actions of a woman in love. 
What she has going with the other guy is called a “friends with benefits” relationship. This type of arrangement is great until one of the parties catches feelings, after that things get complicated. You would never be able to trust her not to keep this casual relationship going even if you were dating exclusively, she doesn’t seem to have the same boundaries as most people. 
Anyway you jumped in to this far too soon. You need to be divorced before you consider starting another relationship.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Welcome to the modern world amigo. She's not what you thought she was - that's why. You have a certain worldview that's in conflict with your new princess' revelations.

you can choose to just date her and see how things work out without falling so hard.

check out corey wayne vids youtube; provides good advice to men on dating (i think you may need it). . rational male youtube vids and book; that's a start into the modern world of dating. It ain't pretty and it aint 1950 anymore.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think your vision of the world and this woman is a little off balance. Your going through separation and I’m sure your head is a mess right now. I believe the truth is that this woman is trying to let you off the hook but you aren’t getting the message that she isn’t into you. You need to just let it go. She isn’t interested in being your rebound...... or anything else for that matter. She is a single woman and can do as she likes.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

good point Mr married


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

All good advice, thank you. I broke it off. I think I was seeing something that was not there. Moving on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Mr Steel, but she did tell you, which must count for something?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A tough call.

Many people were dating another person when they met someone seemingly more suitable.

She was not going to 'dump' her present lover on a promise from you.

She wanted to see if you came through.

You did, or it was enough of a commitment for her to drop the ball on her FWB.

Did you expect this women to be celibate?

You were married, she was single. 
You had no claim on her and her relationships.

Would it bother me?
Hell yes, but I am smart enough to reason this through.

Get divorced, or, at minimum, officially separated. 
Tell your STBXW (etal) that you are going to date.

Dating so soon will make everyone suspicious that you two were in an affair, prior to divorce.

Date this other woman and see how it goes.

Who says she is the one?
Who says she must be?

She has her rights and needs, as do you.

Take your time, swallow your indignity.

If you cannot, move on, there are other ladies.



_Harken O'Ryan.-_


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

I agree, I put expectations on her which were not acceptable. I will leave her alone and see what happens in the future.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mr Steel said:


> I agree, I put expectations on her which were not acceptable. I will leave her alone and see what happens in the future.


Very smart choice. You aren't even fully out of your marriage. Now is not the time to be diving straight into another relationship. I suspect you had more of a crush and true love with this other woman. And if she was still sleeping with other guys she wasn't really in love with you either.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You mention being cheated on...was your wife the culprit? Just curious as this would have an impact on my take.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Very smart choice. You aren't even fully out of your marriage. Now is not the time to be diving straight into another relationship. I suspect you had more of a crush and true love with this other woman. And if *she was still sleeping with other guys she wasn't really in love with you either.*


Umm, only one guy known, maybe he's a LTR or FWB.

Nothing out of place here, this is how many relationships start.

I agree, that he should slow down and get divorced first.

....................................................................................

Hunger for recognition and affection can be relentless.

(Side note: Those who do NOT have these feelings and needs are suspect to me)
Likely, they are too cool for comfort. Then again, to each their own.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr Steel said:


> I agree, I put expectations on her which were not acceptable. I will leave her alone and see what happens in the future.


Good!

Do not suddenly shut her out.

Quietly, and with confidence, briefly let her know what is on your mind. 
Gently talk and smile with/around her.
Let her make some decisions on what she wants.

Don't be needy, even if you are!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you meet her before you separated?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Umm, only one guy known, maybe he's a LTR or FWB.
> 
> Nothing out of place here, this is how many relationships start.
> 
> ...


You are of course correct, that is how many relationships start. But if she had another guy in a LTR it would be odd for it to not be monogamous. In which case she is a cheater. Also, falling in love with someone that has FWB is quite risky. 

My main point was in regard to the comment, "I recently fell in love with a co-worker who says she feels the same." Yet she has a long time friend she has sex with, even last week, but she isn't having sex with OP until separation is final. This all sounds pretty twisted to me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are of course correct, that is how many relationships start. But if she had another guy in a LTR it would be odd for it to not be monogamous. In which case she is a cheater. *Also, falling in love with someone that has FWB is quite risky.*
> 
> My main point was in regard to the comment, "I recently fell in love with a co-worker who says she feels the same." Yet she has a long time friend she has sex with, even last week, but she isn't having sex with OP until separation is final. This all sounds pretty twisted to me.


Risky, is this life we live.

More so, when we conjoin with those, readily deemed, frisky!

Aye!

Live on and enjoy, enjoin with others at your risk.

One thing is likely, the lady doth enjoy some measure of intimacy.
That is a plus.

And, it sounds like she was not interested in breaking up a marriage
Sss, dunno...that, yet.

Time will tell, its mouth is configured that way.



_Are Dee-_ way past any R&D.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Did you meet her before you separated?


Good question. I was wondering the same myself!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

For the OP. The advice not to date until you're divorce is an advice that is frequently given as a blank statement which I don't totally agreed with. 

What you need to understand here is: Are you completely done with your wife as in you not longer have any residual feelings for her or the relationship? Are you confidently certain enough that you can start dating anyone with the knowledge that there's not a change that you would go back to a relationship with your wife even if she begs you? Are you certain enough that at this stage of your divorce dating others will not be a legal issue that your soon to be ex wife could benefit from it?

If you are certain that dating without looking back is what you want, then date. The advice not to date while married should apply to people that are struggling with their feelings toward the relationship that is dissolving and/or that even after the divorce is finalized these people are still raw , and shouldn't be getting into dating other people, since it wouldn't be fair to pull them in and then leave them out cold when you (or them) realize that you shouldn't be dating because you're on the rebound. It's your call, proceed one way or another based on what you know and feel is the right decision for you.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Move on. The only reason you are stuck on her is because you don't have any other options. In addition to the books mentioned above I'd also suggest The Unplugged Alpha by Rich Cooper. Follow him on youtube. Don't even worry about getting with someone right now. Focus on your net worth, the gym and then your game.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

She was a crutch. You need to "feel the pain" of your separation, then heal and move on. Wait to date for a while until you can do it in a healthy way.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Statistically, I believe a small majority of adult women (18+ years old) are single, ie not married, in the US.

But at last count, there was something like 27 adult women in the country that were not seeing/dating/hooking up with/FWB/booty call etc somebody. 

There just simply isn’t a significant number of women that are completely free and unentangled and celibate and seeing absolutely no one out there. 

It’s just a fact of life. All women have a variety of potential suitors or FWBs or old BFs and what not all buzzing around them likes moths around the flame. 

They may not be in any kind of committed, ongoing relationship at a given time...... but they all have men in their lives to one degree and one capacity or another.

If you’re going to be on the market and want to date, hook up with or potentially have a relationship with women, you’ll simply have to be competitive and beat out the other guys orbiting around her at that time.

If you wait for a woman to be completely alone and celibate and with no male contact at all, you will spend your life waiting. 

Even the 300lb bearded women with warts and bad breath have guys with 300lb bearded women fetishes chasing them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mr Steel said:


> I am currently married but going through a separation. I recently fell in love with a co-worker who says she feels the same. We have not touched each other as we chose to wait until the separation has been finalized. She revealed today that she has regular sex with a long time friend. Most recently last week.
> 
> I feel betrayed and humiliated. But I don't know why as she is still single and free to do as she likes. We are not together but I feel like she cheated on me. It doesn't feel right to ask her to not date other guys but it still hurts a lot.
> 
> ...


Need clarification: Why did you separate?
Was the new woman that has a friend she bangs regularly that you’re “in love with” know in any way to you before the separation began?
Does the fact that your marriage is ending have anything to do with you having thoughts of another woman?


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Very smart choice. You aren't even fully out of your marriage. Now is not the time to be diving straight into another relationship. I suspect you had more of a crush and true love with this other woman. And if she was still sleeping with other guys she wasn't really in love with you either.


I agree. I had tunnel vision concerning this and only just now opening my eyes to what is happening. 



BigDaddyNY said:


> You are of course correct, that is how many relationships start. But if she had another guy in a LTR it would be odd for it to not be monogamous. In which case she is a cheater. Also, falling in love with someone that has FWB is quite risky.
> 
> My main point was in regard to the comment, "I recently fell in love with a co-worker who says she feels the same." Yet she has a long time friend she has sex with, even last week, but she isn't having sex with OP until separation is final. This all sounds pretty twisted to me.


Very true. She has known her FWB about 4 years. She revealed to me that she had strong feelings for him which were not reciprocated. However they have remained friends and sleep with each other every few months or so. She said she has suppressed her feelings for him but I don't think that is the case.



Rob_1 said:


> For the OP. The advice not to date until you're divorce is an advice that is frequently given as a blank statement which I don't totally agreed with.
> 
> What you need to understand here is: Are you completely done with your wife as in you not longer have any residual feelings for her or the relationship? Are you confidently certain enough that you can start dating anyone with the knowledge that there's not a change that you would go back to a relationship with your wife even if she begs you? Are you certain enough that at this stage of your divorce dating others will not be a legal issue that your soon to be ex wife could benefit from it?
> 
> If you are certain that dating without looking back is what you want, then date. The advice not to date while married should apply to people that are struggling with their feelings toward the relationship that is dissolving and/or that even after the divorce is finalized these people are still raw , and shouldn't be getting into dating other people, since it wouldn't be fair to pull them in and then leave them out cold when you (or them) realize that you shouldn't be dating because you're on the rebound. It's your call, proceed one way or another based on what you know and feel is the right decision for you.


The marriage is over and has been for years, only getting to the separation now. I have zero feelings for my wife and will be happy to move on once able.



Diana7 said:


> Did you meet her before you separated?


Yes. I have known her about 1 year.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

I am doing too much at once. I think the priority is to finalize the separation and spend time to look after myself which I haven't done in years. I am now realizing that moving onto another relationship straight away is not a good step. My head and heart are buzzing all the time and perhaps being by myself for a while will be beneficial.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have a question, how is it you can move about in Oz?

Do they not have the country locked down tighter than a drum skin?

I have seen videos of the police forcibly arresting citizens for smoking on the street, a few blocks from their house.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

I live in a more rural location so no restrictions here. But yes Melbourne and Sydney are out of control. Terrible situation.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Mr Steel like you I am the kind of guy who gets hooked on a woman to quickly. Like you I need to work on deadening down that tendency. It sounds like this chick likes you as a friend, but is not a good candidate for a committed relationship. You clung to her during a time when you were most likely feeling lonely and abandoned by your wife, and that is understandable. Like water to a thirsty man this coworker gave you the emotional water you were desperate for. She served her purpose, now wish her well and move on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ArthurGPym said:


> Mr Steel like you I am the kind of guy who gets hooked on a woman to quickly. Like you I need to work on deadening down that tendency. It sounds like this chick likes you as a friend, but is not a good candidate for a committed relationship. You clung to her during a time when you were most likely feeling lonely and abandoned by your wife, and that is understandable. Like water to a thirsty man this coworker gave you the emotional water you were desperate for. She served her purpose, now wish her well and move on.


In other words the three F’s.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mr Steel said:


> I am currently married but going through a separation. I recently fell in love with a co-worker who says she feels the same. We have not touched each other as we chose to wait until the separation has been finalized. She revealed today that she has regular sex with a long time friend. Most recently last week.
> 
> I feel betrayed and humiliated. But I don't know why as she is still single and free to do as she likes. We are not together but I feel like she cheated on me. It doesn't feel right to ask her to not date other guys but it still hurts a lot.
> 
> ...


If you were leaving your wife for the coworker, that is all bad anyway and I kind of find it poetic justice.

If you were already going through a divorce and were not deceiving your wife about staying with her and then started something with the coworker, I would cut the coworker off and never talk to her outside the bounds of what work requires.

Any woman dippy enough to claim she loves me while getting her ashes hauled regularly by her walking dildo boy can get the mental help she obviously needs and quit wasting my time.

Good you found out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here is how I see it.

Um, sorry, the other woman.

a) She really likes you, maybe has love tingles.

b) She is settling. She could not get the other man, so she settled on you (or plans to).
All hope is not lost, it just means you are at a disadvantage from the beginning.
She sounds loyal, at least she is with him, by not (behind his back) jumping into intercourse with you.

c) She will use you to get him off the fence. You will be the guy that gets him to commit, or not.
She may not consciously think this, but the thought still might be in the back of her mind.

I see no harm here....yet.

I would not write her off.
I would write her down....on possibilities.

Continue to work with her, and wait and see.
Never pass up a good thing, until it is obviously not.


_Are Dee-_


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Here is how I see it.
> 
> Um, sorry, the other woman.
> 
> ...


I think this response is accurate and resonates with me. 

My coworker revealed more info about her past. She was engaged, was cheated on and her current FWB was there to 'support' her. She developed feelings for FWB who did not feel the same however the sex has continued for approx 4 years, with the exception of 1 year when she was in a relationship. She said she still has those feelings and has buried them and has accepted that FWB will never be with her and remaining friends is enough. I asked if FWB feelings were to change and pursue a relationship with her would she accept, she would not provide a yes/no, only to say it will never happen. 

The more I know the more 'awake' i feel. I have stopped pursuing her and will be keep things professional. My gut tells me I have dodged a bullet here. Live and learn.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr Steel said:


> The more I know the more 'awake' i feel. I have stopped pursuing her and will be keep things professional. My gut tells me I have dodged a bullet here. Live and learn.


Yes, listen to your gut.

You only know her side of the story:

a) Her husband cheats on her.
b) Her LTR BF won't commit.

She has clung onto the old BF for 4 years, and not moved on to someone better. 

Why is that? 
You feel she has lingering feelings for him.

What did they eventually find out by being close with her?

Maybe something, maybe nothing.

a) She may have a bad man-picker.
-or-
b) She has 'issues'.

If you are comfortable with dropping her as a love candidate, then by all means, do so.


I think she has low esteem, is as wary as you. She does not want to get burned the third time.

Three on (a) MATCH is said to be deadly in dating and certainly on the battlefield.

Let her pursue you.

Why?
It shows you that women see you as valuable.
It will help your self-esteem.

Then again, if you do this for _sport or practice._..
This will be harmful to her.

That downside, if you play this woman, as did the others, you will crush any remaining spirit she has.
Not nice.
No.




_Are Dee-_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My advise is to wait till you are divorced before you date again. It sounds as if you are not even separated yet or barely separated, yet you were getting involved with someone else. 
Give yourself space to get yourself emotionally ready before you think of another relationship.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Believe you mentioned the potential GF was a coworker? I always thought that dating someone from work was not a very good idea. Too many potential for problems if it goes south ( or even if it doesn't ). Some companies frown on coworkers dating because it can create unwanted drama distracting from and maybe impacting the business. I had a good friend who dated a coworker despite our company having a policy against that. They kept it quiet until the wheels came off of their relationship, he had to take a transfer to another location because of how she handled things.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Believe you mentioned the potential GF was a coworker? I always thought that dating someone from work was not a very good idea. Too many potential for problems if it goes south ( or even if it doesn't ). Some companies frown on coworkers dating because it can create unwanted drama distracting from and maybe impacting the business. I had a good friend who dated a coworker despite our company having a policy against that. They kept it quiet until the wheels came off of their relationship, he had to take a transfer to another location because of how she handled things.


I didn't plan to fall in love and know that it is messy but here I am. Have to deal with one way or another.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mr Steel said:


> I didn't plan to fall in love and know that it is messy but here I am. Have to deal with one way or another.


Hopefully she doesnt mind you avoiding her, maybe she wanted a backup FWB. Tread lightly, you know what saying is about a woman scorned.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Mr Steel said:


> The more I know the more 'awake' i feel. I have stopped pursuing her and will be keep things professional. My gut tells me I have dodged a bullet here. Live and learn.


Your post is one of the sanest of new posters I've seen.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Mr Steel said:


> I think this response is accurate and resonates with me.
> 
> My coworker revealed more info about her past. She was engaged, was cheated on and her current FWB was there to 'support' her. She developed feelings for FWB who did not feel the same however the sex has continued for approx 4 years, with the exception of 1 year when she was in a relationship. She said she still has those feelings and has buried them and has accepted that FWB will never be with her and remaining friends is enough.* I asked if FWB feelings were to change and pursue a relationship with her would she accept, she would not provide a yes/no, only to say it will never happen.*
> 
> The more I know the more 'awake' i feel. I have stopped pursuing her and will be keep things professional. My gut tells me I have dodged a bullet here. Live and learn.


This is what I was wondering as well. This is the situation where she gave you her answer without answering your question. Had the answer been a "No" then she would have told you right away and probably would have been vehement about it. 

I may be reading too much between the lines here, but here's my guess. They hooked up and she caught feelings for him. However he was just looking at this like a casual relationship. So, it's possible that she tried to force his hand and to get him jealous by getting into a relationship and looks like that didn't work out for her in both ways, i.e. she probably didn't want to be with the guy and her FWB didn't want to commit. So, after that relationship fizzled, her and the FWB resumed their activities. I don't think the FWB has any inclination nor any incentive to be in a relationship with her. 

My grandmother used to say "people usually won't buy the cow, if they are getting milk for free".

Here are some more wild guesses: Consider what could potentially happen Should you choose to get in a relationship with her. When things start getting rough, she could reestablish communication with the FWB because he'd likely be waiting in the wings and he's not going to say no to any NSA activities. 

So, your first order of priority is to get your divorce done completely. Let the ink on that paper dry first before considering anything.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Why?
> It shows you that women see you as valuable.
> It will help your self-esteem.
> 
> ...


@SunCMars, this was one of the best replies I've seen on this site here and I don't say that lightly. 

People usually do not consider what effects and repurcessions their own selfish acts have on others. This happens to men as well. Similar behavior like this is one of the reasons why some men chose not to date anymore.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mr Steel said:


> I am currently married but going through a separation. I recently fell in love with a co-worker who says she feels the same. We have not touched each other as we chose to wait until the separation has been finalized. She revealed today that she has regular sex with a long time friend. Most recently last week.
> 
> I feel betrayed and humiliated. But I don't know why as she is still single and free to do as she likes. We are not together but I feel like she cheated on me. It doesn't feel right to ask her to not date other guys but it still hurts a lot.
> 
> ...


She feels the same but is screwing a ****Buddy. First time i heard this term was '94...was seeing a girl who brought up having a friend back home in W. Falls Tx. that if they were horny and did not have a date, they would call tp see if each other was available to hook up.

This kind of woman can be married to you and have no problem screwing other men. You stay with her and you will hear, "But I love you!, it was only sex!

RUN! This kind of person is not marriage material. She is very shallow to say she loves you while screwing him. She just decided to wait to screw you until you are divorced.

She will cheat.....


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> She feels the same but is screwing a ****Buddy. This kind of woman can be married to you and have no problem screwing other men. You stay with her and you will hear, "But I love you!, it was only sex!
> 
> RUN! This kind of person is not marriage material. She is very shallow to say she loves you while screwing him. She just decided to wait to screw you until you are divorced.
> 
> She will cheat.....


I agree. I have told her best we just leave this thing alone and live our own lives, she agreed.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Mr Steel said:


> I agree. I have told her best we just leave this thing alone and live our own lives, she agreed.


You did the right thing. The fact that she quickly agreed should tell you she didn’t real love you. She may have some fond feelings but she’s still wants the FWB guy. She is not marriage or live in girlfriend material.

now you can work on leaving your marriage with dignity. Until the divorce is officially finalized, you’re still technically married.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

jsmart said:


> You did the right thing. The fact that she quickly agreed should tell you she didn’t real love you. She may have some fond feelings but she’s still wants the FWB guy. She is not marriage or live in girlfriend material.
> 
> now you can work on leaving your marriage with dignity. Until the divorce is officially finalized, you’re still technically married.


100%. I still have strong feelings for her but am focusing on my own issues now. She is clearly not for me, still waiting for FWB to change his mind. Let it go


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