# Jealousy Plotline



## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Hi all,

I have an issue with my current relationship that I'm trying to figure out and I'm looking for some opinions. I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost four months now. We get along great and have not had any arguments and so far I feel that she is trustworthy and honest. She has not done anything to lead me to believe otherwise.

She recently went on vacation with a female friend to Punta Cana. Unfortunately, because of work I was not able to go with her. We kept in touch everyday while she was gone and she gave me updates of what was going on. So, after she returned we were having a conversation about her trip and she proceeds to tell me about all the random guys who were hitting on her, trying to dance with here, or even exposing themselves to her. She said she declined or ignored all of these solicitations and I do believe her. The problem I have is that it seems that she really enjoyed all of it and when she told me it was almost like she was bragging. In my mind it seemed like she was trying to make me jealous. I just listened to what she had to say and didn't come off as jealous, insecure or upset. 

I guess I'm just confused as to whether she did this to make me jealous or to want her more. Now, mind you, I have never done anything like this to her because I didn't want to make her jealous or insecure and I'm not sure if doing the same in return would hurt our relationship. I'm just not sure if I should just play it off or be more assertive about my displeasure with all of this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you ask her what the point was of her telling you all that? Whether it was to try to make you jealous? Or oversharing? 

Talk to her.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Jellybeans,

No, I didn't ask her why she was telling me all that. I would like to think it was just her being honest and telling me everything. I'm afraid if I bring it back up with her and tell her how I really feel she may decide to limit what she tells me in the future.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Consider this. If she had NOT shared this with you, and you found out some other way, would that make you think she was hiding something?

I wouldn't worry about it. She may just want more attention from you, so give it to her. Win-win.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

I did that a million times with my college boyfriends. Ah, youth. She's definitely trying to make you jealous--trying to prove her worth to you. If she had enjoyed the attention from these guys and was considering leaving you because of it, she would never say that out loud. Buy her some flowers and take her to dinner and everything will be fine.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Depending on how old both of you guys are, she could simply be oversharing without any motive behind it. Me personally, if dudes exposed themselves to me I would be repulsed & may be too traumatized to even speak of it. LOL!


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Thanks for the replies.

So, it sounds like instead of being jealous or insecure about all this I just focus some extra attention on her. To be honest what happened does actually make me jealous even though I did not show that to her. There is always that concern in the back of my mind that maybe this was just segment of what actually happened. I guess I'm thinking this way because I've only known her for four months.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Oh, and I'm 32 and she's 29 by the way.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
many people enjoy being (politely) hit on - its very flattering. She was probably happy and amused, and just shared with you. Likely no harm intended. She may have even been trying to say "all these hot guys want me, but I want YOU".


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

And so it continues......

Going back to the beginning of my thread, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 4 months. So far I enjoy being with her and the only bump in the road was the Punta Cana trip, which I talked about earlier. So, early on in the relationship we discussed our sexual past. She disclosed to me that she had some long term relationships and also a few one night stands, one of which was with a guy I'll call "Eric". She said that she was single when it happened and that she actually finds him annoying and is not interested in him. Ok, fine it was great that she was open and told me this upfront.

So, a few weeks after we met she told me about a planned trip to Las Vegas with some of her friends. She did tell me that "Eric" was going to be coming on the trip because he is friends with some of her friends. She said she agreed to go on the trip before she found out he would be going to. This made me a bit uncomfortable, but I had no reason not to trust her. I am not going on the trip because it was planned before we met.

Now her trip is only a few weeks away. The other night we were on face-time when she gets a text from someone. She tells me "Oh, it's just a text from Eric". This caught me off guard because I remembered the name from when we talked about him in the beginning. I asked her what he wanted and she said "He just said Hi and asked if I was excited for the Vegas trip".

I'm not sure what to think about this because although I knew he was going, I did not realize that they communicated. I asked her how often they text and she said not very often. she did say that she told him about me and they are just friendly toward each other? Like I said earlier, I have no real reason not to trust her but this has definitely has me wondering.

I am welcome to any opinions.....Thanks!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are 32 years old. What is your goal in this relationship? Marriage? If you are evaluating a marital partner potential, you should just be in an observation mode... And showing her your value system.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It strikes me that your gf requires lots of male attention. People like this typically aren't good partner material.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Hicks,

I guess right now I am in evaluation mode. I was previously married for 6 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I met my current girlfriend online and we seem to connect well and enjoy each other's company. She is 29 and has never been married. I am not in any hurry to marry again and I'm not sure I even want to at all.


lifeistooshort,

According to her she claims that she doesn't like extra attention because it embarrasses her. Even though she's said this, I think you may be right. So far it does seem like she enjoys the attention based on what has happened. It seems to me that if anyone were to receive attention from the opposite sex they would enjoy it.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Don't listen to what she says. Watch her actions. This woman surely enjoys the extra attention and further more, is going to vegas with a guy she had a one night stand with and is now texting her. She apparently has not shut him down. If he does not know about you, seriously consider moving on or just having fun with this girl. It sounds like she may not be taking your relationship as seriously as you are.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your comments!

Morcoll,

She did say that she told him about me. So that tells me that they have talked more than just one time. It also means that one of them would have brought up the subject of relationships. So, I'm very suspicious of what she's telling me.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

sargon,

You're right and that's what concerns me. She said that they actually hooked up two times. Each time she said that she was drinking, although she normally does not drink much. I guess I'll just have to keep my eyes open.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Motic said:


> Hicks,
> 
> I guess right now I am in evaluation mode. I was previously married for 6 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I met my current girlfriend online and we seem to connect well and enjoy each other's company. She is 29 and has never been married. I am not in any hurry to marry again and I'm not sure I even want to at all.
> 
> ...



She's lying. I'm a woman, I know how women play these games. Women like to play dumb like they have no idea, then they can't be held accountable when something "just happens" because they had NO idea it was a possibility. 

It boosts her ego and provides her little backups in case you don't work out or if she needs to hold something over your head. A person at this stage of maturity typically isn't ready for an all in committed relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Motic, it seems that your gf is a bit of a party girl.

A common practice for such girls is to tell you about attention from other men or previous relationships that they now find annoying to lower your defences.

Punta Cana could have been more than what she told you but by telling you what she did, you figured that at least she was honest about it and would trust her the next time she went on such a trip.

Discussing you with one of her ONS's (sorry in this case Two Night Stands) is a red flag as is her staying "in touch" with him and now getting excited about a trip to Vegas where he will be. You said both times with him, she had been drinking - well she's going to be drinking in Vegas, isn't she ?

She knows how to tell you just enough to try and make you less suspicious but one can never (and should never) suppress a gut feeling and it seems like your gut is acting up.

And even if this trip was already planned, I don't see why you couldn't go along.

Is this more of a case of her wanting to continue to live her single lifestyle while also being with you and if it is, is that OK with you?

If not and this is meant to be something more serious, then you have to have that serious talk about boundaries and how she is pushing and breaking all of them at the moment!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Make no mistake - this guy is going to spend the whole trip trying to get in your girl's pants. And at a minimum your girl is ok with the attention she gets from him- at worst she is going to sleep with him. Unfortunately you won't know either way, because whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. 

I wouldn't put Eric in the one night stand "ONS" category I put him more into a friends with benefits "FWB" category.

Either way, if I was in your shoes, I would NOT be comfortable with her going alone on this trip with him there. Ultimatum time? For me, yeah.

Why can't you join the group? Are other significant others going?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Marnie said:


> I did that a million times with my college boyfriends. *Ah, youth*.


You both are young and she seems to have little maturity from the info you've shared. I'd be having that talk about boundaries that a previous poster mentioned. I wonder how she would be feeling if it were you having women hitting on you telling her about it in an almost gleeful way... This behavior is a train ride out of a relationship and she seems to be buying tickets. In my mind, jealousy is when you are resentful for what someone else has. In this case you have every right to be territorial as you are in a relationship with her and there's a likely intruder lurking. Lastly there is the whole Vegas thing. Young adults aren't going to Vegas to drink tea and play checkers. They're going to party hard and let loose. Again, if the roles were reversed (and she really cares about your relationship) something tells me she wouldn't be too happy. Her not going or her making room for you seems like the obvious call. Good Luck.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Make no mistake - this guy is going to spend the whole trip trying to get in your girl's pants. And at a minimum your girl is ok with the attention she gets from him- at worst she is going to sleep with him. Unfortunately you won't know either way, because whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
> 
> I wouldn't put Eric in the one night stand "ONS" category I put him more into a friends with benefits "FWB" category.
> 
> ...


This guy is ABSOLUTELY going to go after your girl....I mean -he's had her before, they will be in Vegas...She is what is called Low Hanging Fruit...

You don't have much invested in her. She sounds like the fairly common attention wanting/demanding/etc.. type female. Whatever she is like now -will be what she is like later in the relationship. 

If you don't care and aren't looking for anything exclusive...then by all means -keep her spinning as a back-up. 

This girl is not the type you keep.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

PhillyGuy13,

I know it would be best if I could go along on the trip with her. Since it was planned before I met her and I was not invited I didn't really consider it. Besides, its too late in the game to go now.

The sticking point for me is what kind of ultimatum can I give? I don't want to come off as insecure and jealous by over reacting to the situation.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Motic said:


> PhillyGuy13,
> 
> I know it would be best if I could go along on the trip with her. Since it was planned before I met her and I was not invited I didn't really consider it. Besides, its too late in the game to go now.
> 
> The sticking point for me is what kind of ultimatum can I give? I don't want to come off as insecure and jealous by over reacting to the situation.


Don't give an Ultimatum. You have no leverage. 

Go somewhere else when she is on her trip to vegas..maybe a beach somewhere. Do something fun. Have her more concerned about what you are doing than whatever ex-guy has up his sleeve.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"Unfortunately you won't know either way, because whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."



sargon said:


> That's just an expression. If something happens, there are ways to find out.


Oh ok thanks. I thought Vegas was actually this mystical land where no information can flow in and out of.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Motic said:


> PhillyGuy13,
> 
> I know it would be best if I could go along on the trip with her. Since it was planned before I met her and I was not invited I didn't really consider it. Besides, its too late in the game to go now.
> 
> The sticking point for me is what kind of ultimatum can I give? I don't want to come off as insecure and jealous by over reacting to the situation.


If this was a "girls trip" then that's one thing. Other guys will be there - one she slept with. Vegas is one of the easiest cities to fly in and out of. 

"Im not comfortable with you going on this trip with Eric, given your history with him. If you go on this trip with him, I'm afraid we will end things here"

I read your other post - you aren't sure if she's a long term partner or you want to be married to her or anyone again. And that's fine- nothing wrong with having your fun with her. 

Just do not be surprised if something happens on this trip.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

sargon said:


> I head they have unicorns there but there's no way to verify because there's no information flow.


With all the money I've left there over the years, they can certainly afford them!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Motic said:


> And so it continues......
> 
> Going back to the beginning of my thread, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 4 months. So far I enjoy being with her and the only bump in the road was the Punta Cana trip, which I talked about earlier. So, early on in the relationship we discussed our sexual past. She disclosed to me that she had some long term relationships and also a few one night stands, one of which was with a guy I'll call "Eric". She said that she was single when it happened and that she actually finds him annoying and is not interested in him. Ok, fine it was great that she was open and told me this upfront.
> 
> ...


Uhhhh...
You sure you want to continue?

I didn't care about my wife's past when I met her but exes were kept out of the picture and definitely no Vegas trips with anyone who has been inside her.

Does she understand how to build trust? This isn't it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't think you would come off as insecure if you had the chat about boundaries with her! Ask her if shed be OK if you went on a trip without her to Vegas with an ex-lover that you have been constantly in touch with.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> I don't think you would come off as insecure if you had the chat about boundaries with her! Ask her if shed be OK if you went on a trip without her to Vegas with an ex-lover that you have been constantly in touch with.


:iagree:

maybe the "boundary speech" should go something like this:

"I understand you planned this trip before we met, but i am uncomfortable with this guy going."

and leave it at that. her reaction will tell you everything.

1. she gets defensive..."you don't trust me"??? Red flag
2. she dismisses your position..."i have no control over him going"....red flag
3. she gets angry...."i can do what i please"...red flag
4. OR she understands your concern and empathizes with you..."I get that this is awkward, wish he wasn't going, will steer clear of him"........ good sign.

then, how she handles herself on the trip will be telling you too. things like sending you messages.....letting you know what is going on, or just disappears for a few days, only contacting you to let you know she got back......

I would view this as an opportunity to make an easy choice if this is someone you want to be around long term.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

x598 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> maybe the "boundary speech" should go something like this:
> 
> ...


Don't ask her the dreaded" Would you be OK if I did ____" 

Don't go there -It's a trap....They always say "No I wouldn't mind, I trust you"...don't fall for it. 

Don't go with the "uncomfortable" line either. If you don't want her going...Tell her that you don't want her to go. 

If she asks about consequences -if she still goes-...then let her know you would be done with an exclusive relationship -but are ok with occasionally hooking up with her (Similar to this other guy). 

If she doesn't ask about consequences -and plans to go...just say -"No problem, we've had a good time, we have no promises -give me a call when you get back".. If she is into at all...she will go ape-$hit


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

x598 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> maybe the "boundary speech" should go something like this:
> 
> ...



^I think seems like a good way to handle it. When we were initially discussing the fact that he was going on the trip I asked her if it would be uncomfortable for her. I told her for me personally, It would be awkward to go on a trip with someone I hooked up with. She said it's not uncomfortable for her and that she would stick with the girls on the trip and she's fine with going. I guess by handling the situation like x598 suggested above I can just observe her actions.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Motic said:


> she proceeds to tell me about all the random guys who were hitting on her, trying to dance with here, or even exposing themselves to her.


What the hell kind of a place is this? What kinds of places was she hanging out? And now a trip to Vegas? She likes to party, I'll tell you that. God luck with this one.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> What the hell kind of a place is this? What kinds of places was she hanging out? And now a trip to Vegas? She likes to party, I'll tell you that. God luck with this one.


I agree - Where is this "Exposing" thing going on? Was she at a nudist or swinger resort?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> She's lying. I'm a woman, I know how women play these games. Women like to play dumb like they have no idea, then they can't be held accountable when something "just happens" because they had NO idea it was a possibility.
> 
> It boosts her ego and provides her little backups in case you don't work out or if she needs to hold something over your head. A person at this stage of maturity typically isn't ready for an all in committed relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My gut reaction agrees with this. I wouldn't invest too much in this "relationship".


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

As far as the "exposing" is concerned....she claims this happened at the resort by a guy who's room was next to her friends. She said he was apparently walking to the pool is a speedo while they were in the hall waiting for their bags. Somehow the guy began harassing them and just pulled it out? She told me he was a jerk. This story really doesn't make much sense to me? Then apparently she was at a disco and was hit on alot by other tourists and staff. She has told me that she turned everyone down of course.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

when she gets back, make sure that she has a clean std test before you hook up with her again.

And make sure you are careful. She could get pregnant and pass it off as yours.


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## Motic (Aug 5, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> Don't ask her the dreaded" Would you be OK if I did ____"
> 
> Don't go there -It's a trap....They always say "No I wouldn't mind, I trust you"...don't fall for it.
> 
> ...



^This is also good as well. It's hard for me to decide because I do like her a lot and we get along so well. She seems sincere in the fact that she wants a relationship with me. She always calls everyday when she says she will. She also treats me well.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She probably does want a relationship with you, but she also wants side attention. That's where her maturity is right now, so if you can deal with that then have fun. It doesn't even mean she'll necessarily cheat, but it does mean she's more likely to be in situations that could lead to it.

It also means that some of her emotional energy will be focused elsewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Don't ask her the dreaded" Would you be OK if I did ____"
> 
> Don't go there -It's a trap....They always say "No I wouldn't mind, I trust you"...don't fall for it.
> 
> ...



I think this is good advice. Let her know that her going to party with a bunch of guys, who she slept with, makes it clear to you that she's not ready to be exclusive so you won't be either. I think that will be a much more powerful message then anything else you can say.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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