# New To Relationships Forums! Need Your Insights..



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

Hello! 

I found this forum after Googling for a place where I could get advice from those who don't know me. So, the insights I I might get might be useful. 

After reading a few other discussions here, I realise that this website can be valuable. 

I feel that I might be alone with an unusual situation. But, I am sure that there will be other members here who might contribute to make me feel less alone. 

I got married five months ago. Before that, I discovered the woman I would go on to marry through a friend. We both lived in different countries and different time zones. We had 5,000 miles and 7 hours in time difference. But, this was during the first lockdown. We got to know each other really well over two years. Then, five months ago, got married. Before that, I went to her country and spend a month with her. 

But, until I get a few things sorted in my own country, I can't go and settle down permanently with her in her country. In the mean time, we have to carry on with the long distance relationship. Anyone else here in this position? The 7 hours time difference is a major cause of stress. 

She lives alone in her house. This is a house we bought together. And I live in my own house. I am trying to sell this house and move in with her. This is my situation. She tells me she loves me all the time. And I love her too. At the same time, the nature of the long distance relationship is brining up so many anxieties, doubts and problems. Here is where I hope to get some insights and advice from you.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

KillingMoon said:


> Hello!
> 
> I found this forum after Googling for a place where I could get advice from those who don't know me. So, the insights I I might get might be useful.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM @KillingMoon 

I've never been in this position so I can't give you advice based on experience.

I can tell you my opinion... you screwed up.

You married a woman that you can't be with. You should have worked all that and even dated a while in her country before marrying her.

As far as the time difference, I suggest you and she share a calendar, like in Google Calendar, to make sure all the times of communication are established and shared and if something comes up, one or the other can move the time or cancel.

At this point I think you just have to muscle through this, unfortunately.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Can you describe what your relationships were like with other women before you met this one ?


----------



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

@BeyondRepair007 

Thanks for this welcome and the response. 

The fact is that we spend a lot of time on video calls. Despite the time difference of 7 hours, we go to bed at the same time, and get up at the same time. This is harder on me as when it is 4 am in the UK, it is 9 pm in North America. Yet, we have been doing this for nearly two years. 

Sometimes, I do feel that I "screwed up", as you observed. The whole point of marriage is to be with each other, on one place. But, until I sell my house in the UK, I can't move permanently to be with her in her country. The positive thing is that I do feel that I am closer to emigrating. The big negative is that all the bad things to do with long distance relationships are coming up. So, that is why I thought a forum such as this might be a good place to hear how others had endured it.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

How much time have the two of you actually spent together? My concern is all new relationships go through a honeymoon phase. And if you haven't spent much time together because of the distance, you may have married way too quickly to someone you really don't know.

What are your ages?


----------



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Can you describe what your relationships were like with other women before you met this one ?


@Mr.Married 

Good question. I was mostly a solitary person with just one short and meaningful relationship with a woman before I discovered the woman that I would go on to marry. I used dating websites and dating apps without any success. Then, during the first lockdown in 2020, my life changed when I started a virtual relationship. The truth is that from that day onwards, we had spoken to each other every day through video calls. The relationship is genuine from both sides. The hell is the 5,000 miles that separate the two of us.


----------



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> How much time have the two of you actually spent together? My concern is all new relationships go through a honeymoon phase. And if you haven't spent much time together because of the distance, you may have married way too quickly to someone you really don't know.
> 
> What are your ages?


@SCDad01

The issues you raise here were ones that plagued me too. But, I went ahead and married her because I reached an age when I had failed to find a woman I could spent a lifetime with. Then, I found this woman. So, I took the risk.

To answer your questions:

Since 2020 when we started the virtual relationship, we spent a total of just 43 days being physically together. We got married in May this year. And after the wedding day, we spent just one week before I had to return to the UK.

So, we are still getting to know each other, every day. Thanks to video calls, the relationship feels closer to being 'real' except we are missing the key senses of touch! 

I do feel that I got married too quickly. But, I had to take that risk because I had not found anyone suitable before. And I was getting old!

I am 50 and she is 48.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

KillingMoon said:


> @Mr.Married
> 
> Good question. I was mostly a solitary person with just one short and meaningful relationship with a woman before I discovered the woman that I would go on to marry. I used dating websites and dating apps without any success. Then, during the first lockdown in 2020, my life changed when I started a virtual relationship. The truth is that from that day onwards, we had spoken to each other every day through video calls. The relationship is genuine from both sides. The hell is the 5,000 miles that separate the two of us.


I’m going to take a shot in the dark based on what you have written about so far.

You are “married” but don’t have the actual legal paperwork for her country and the house is completely in her name. Is this correct?


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

KillingMoon said:


> @SCDad01
> 
> The issues you raise here were ones that plagued me too. But, I went ahead and married her because I reached an age when I had failed to find a woman I could spent a lifetime with. Then, I found this woman. So, I took the risk.
> 
> ...


I don't fault you for wanting to get married. I'm in my 50's too and the loneliness get worse with age. And you've spent more time together than I imagined. I thought you were going to say 1-2 weeks. But still, 50 days is a short period of time. 

But why do you feel now that you got married too quickly? That's the important question.


----------



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m going to take a shot in the dark based on what you have written about so far.
> 
> You are “married” but don’t have the actual legal paperwork for her country and the house is completely in her name. Is this correct?


We are officially married with the correct paperwork. We got married in her country. 

But, the house we bought is in her name. I could not have bought it jointly as I have to be a citizen or a permanent resident in that country to be able to get a joint mortgage.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

KillingMoon said:


> We are officially married with the correct paperwork. We got married in her country.
> 
> But, the house we bought is in her name. I could not have bought it jointly as I have to be a citizen or a permanent resident in that country to be able to get a joint mortgage.


And the time that she started to act poorly was when you thought you might have a buyer for the house in the UK?

She is a few years younger than you ?


----------



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> I don't fault you for wanting to get married. I'm in my 50's too and the loneliness get worse with age. And you've spent more time together than I imagined. I thought you were going to say 1-2 weeks. But still, 50 days is a short period of time.
> 
> But why do you feel now that you got married too quickly? That's the important question.


@SCDad01 

I am glad you empathise with my need to get married. The fact is that I knew this woman when I was in my teens. Then, we lost touch until the pandemic when I was trying to find out those I knew in the past. And that's how I ended up reconnecting with her. So, in one sense, I did 'know' her before. But, in another sense, I had to get to know her all over again. And vice versa. 

I was 48 when I got reconnected with her. She was 46. 

Why do I feel that I married too quickly? I always believed that you have to get to know someone over a long time before the committing to marriage. But, when I found this woman in 2020, the pandemic was claiming many lives and I thought, "life is short, let's risk." The problem is that I still feel that it takes a long time to get to know someone. So, every day, I am getting to know a different aspect of her. I am in the process of applying for permanent residence in her country. My fear is that if things don't work out between us, I have to return to my own country and go back to square one. And at the age of 50, that is a scary thing.


----------



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> And the time that she started to act poorly was when you thought you might have a buyer for the house in the UK?
> 
> She is a few years younger than you ?



No, she hasn't started to act negatively at all. She keeps hoping that the sale of my house is completed soon so we can be together in one place soon. She repeatedly says that she feels lonely in her house. We have a two hour video call before we go to sleep. And we get up around the same time on most days. And even at work, we try and video call each other during one of our lunch breaks. So, we are doing all we can to maintain the relationship every day. But, there are few issues I might have to post here on a separate thread to get your insights as those might not fall under 'Introductions.'


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

KillingMoon said:


> No, she hasn't started to act negatively at all. She keeps hoping that the sale of my house is completed soon so we can be together in one place soon. She repeatedly says that she feels lonely in her house. We have a two hour video call before we go to sleep. And we get up around the same time on most days. And even at work, we try and video call each other during one of our lunch breaks. So, we are doing all we can to maintain the relationship every day. But, there are few issues I might have to post here on a separate thread to get your insights as those might not fall under 'Introductions.'


why don’t you just rent out the house in the UK ?


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

KillingMoon said:


> @SCDad01
> 
> I am glad you empathise with my need to get married. The fact is that I knew this woman when I was in my teens. Then, we lost touch until the pandemic when I was trying to find out those I knew in the past. And that's how I ended up reconnecting with her. So, in one sense, I did 'know' her before. But, in another sense, I had to get to know her all over again. And vice versa.
> 
> ...


You should have mentioned you knew her previously. So while it is long distance and you've only seen her 50 times recently, she wasn't a total stranger. So that's good...makes more sense. 

The most important thing to do now is set aside your fears. Don't start off the marriage assuming it will end. That's a bad mindset. Be positive. Continue to take time getting to know her and her flaws...just like she's going to get to know you and your flaws. Even though you are 50 and already married to her, take it slowly. The older we get, the more set in our ways we are. So there will be issues that come up. Just make sure you are both on the same page and agree on how to work through them.


----------



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> why don’t you just rent out the house in the UK ?


Good question. My house is not in a good condition to be rented out. It would cost too much to refurbish / renovate. So, the easy thing, especially at my age of 50, was to try and sell it and start a new life in North America. This seems like my first and last chance to experience marriage.


----------



## KillingMoon (3 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> You should have mentioned you knew her previously. So while it is long distance and you've only seen her 50 times recently, she wasn't a total stranger. So that's good...makes more sense.
> 
> The most important thing to do now is set aside your fears. Don't start off the marriage assuming it will end. That's a bad mindset. Be positive. Continue to take time getting to know her and her flaws...just like she's going to get to know you and your flaws. Even though you are 50 and already married to her, take it slowly. The older we get, the more set in our ways we are. So there will be issues that come up. Just make sure you are both on the same page and agree on how to work through them.



@SCDad01 

You just given me some valuable advice. I am naturally negative about most things. So, in this marriage, I do have to be positive. 

And yes, I should have mentioned that I knew her when we were kids. But that was a long time ago. This is why it felt I was getting to know a different person, and vice versa.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

You saý North America ? United States or Canada...?


----------

