# What do you....



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

... do when you are angry with your wife? How do you say sorry when it's your fault?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You say, "I'm sorry. It was my fault."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> ... do when you are angry with your wife? How do you say sorry *when it's your fault*?


This has literally _never_ happened.

Ha! Just kidding (obviously)...



happy as a clam said:


> You say, "I'm sorry. It was my fault."


Pretty much ^this.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

If I'm angry at her for no good reason, I apologize as soon as I've calmed down and I do it SINCERELY. I look her in the eyes and tell her I'm sorry and WHY I'm sorry.

If my anger is justified, even if she doesn't think so, I do not apologize to her. If my anger is justified but I expressed it irrationally or in the heat of the moment, then I apologize for the way I expressed it, but I reiterate the cause for my anger and that it is legitimate.

I never apologize unless I've done something wrong.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

WhiteRaven said:


> ... do when you are angry with your wife? How do you say sorry when it's your fault?


The anger thing is a range thing. How angry? The sorry works the same. It depends on the crime. 

I don’t say sorry for things I am not sorry about even though she wants it; I don’t go out of my way to justify it or defend, just speak my mind and validate that it’s ok for her to be angry about it. If she wants, I’m open to compromise so it doesn’t bother her as much or alleviates some of her concerns and issues. 

Sort of the same when I feel it; It can be a perfectly valid and healthy emotion. There are times she’s just surly and seeks out a fight like a cork where you see her frustration building (which may not even be you; usually the kids bring it forth). I simply refuse to let it get me angry or play along and let her puke it out without taking it personally… I’ve even been known to egg her on. I don’t see anger as a bad thing; So it’s ok to express it.. it doesn’t always need to be justified or forgiven when it shows up.

It’s pretty normal that the kids put you on edge, but you can’t lash out at them. So your spouse does something pretty minor that ‘breaks the camel’s back’. There needs to be a release. I’m ok with that and its “safe” to do so with my wife who’s the same. It isn’t personal, it’s ranting and raging until you don’t feel that way. A good spouse can egg you on just right and defuse it so it isn’t a grudge and stays just an outlet versus an attack on them. The fight isn’t about cleaning the kitchen, it’s really about a totally bad day and a whole series of things that happened. So you just wanna fling poo and scream at the world. Pretty bonding stuff to allow someone to see how insane you are and not have them hold it against you.

And when you or her do something wrong. It's a lot easier to accept that anger or apologize because they know you are already crazy and the tools are already in place to handle those emotions healthier. It doesn't bother as much as long as you see what you did was wrong instead of digging in and defending or continue to be a dwelling or grudge. The little stuff remains little, the big stuff might require more work to resolve. But you've learned how to be a team and handle it together.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Not sure this will help, but very apropos... (ignore the blackout at the beginning... eventually the video starts). One of my favorite songs of all time.

Elton John - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word - 1976 - YouTube


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If I screw up, I apologize and acknowledge what I did... once.

And only once. And then I let it go and I will not discuss it again.

If she holds it over my head after that (assuming I've corrected whatever behavior was causing the need to apologize) I go away and do something awesome.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If I'm wrong, I'll apologize. If she's wrong, I'll hide the chocolate until she apologizes. (j/k!!)


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

You mean there are times when it is NOT my fault?:scratchhead:

Depends on the level of anger, but truth be told, I don't apologize often enough.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You decide to own your sh!t.

1. You own the error, behavior, or malice.
"This is what I did, and I know it's wrong."

2. You acknowledge if your error, or behavior caused injury or unforeseen consequences that you clearly recognize.
"It is clear to me that as a result of doing x, my behavior caused y."

3. You offer an apology.
"I apologize for my behavior/action/decision."

It's up to the party you have offended to choose to accept or reject your apology. You don't offer one based upon the outcome of their choice. You offer one because it's the right thing to do.

And importantly, you learn from it, and don't do it again.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I have apologized in the past, but my wife rarely and I mean rarely apologizes, even though she has plenty of reason to. She is uber obstinate, stubborn as a whole pack of mules. Probably one of her worst traits.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> You say, "I'm sorry. It was my fault."


And then you say..."Please forgive me..."

One time I yelled at my daughter. After I calmed down I realized how wrong I was and I went to her and I apologized and I asked her to forgive me.

She said..."It's alright..."

I could have accepted this but I told her, "No, it was not alright. I should have not yelled at you and I will remember this conversation in the future and try not to yell at you ever again. Now I was really hoping that you would tell me that you forgive me..."

We BOTH learned something that day...


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