# Would you compromise on things in a new relationship?



## maone87 (Sep 27, 2015)

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now and things have been going pretty well. We are so similar in so many aspects, but as time goes on i have noticed 2 things that we are on different pages about.

The first thing is sex. I love how he isn’t just a jerk who wants just sex, but he seems too much the other way. I find sex with my partner very important. We have had sex, but many times when i have wanted to he has said he is tired or he doesn’t need it and seems reluctant to do so. It makes me feel really unwanted by him and it is something that bugs me a lot. I have wondered with time if it will change as we grow closer, or if this is just the way it is.

The second thing is romance. I am an extremely romantic person and i know cheesy romance isn’t for everyone, but this is something i love. He isn’t particularly romantic, and i wish he was. I feel like i am constantly complimenting him and doing things i think are really sweet for him. He appreciates them, but i just don’t feel like i get the same level back from him that i would like as far as romance goes.

So i guess my question is, do you think i am setting my standards too high and i can’t expect everything to be perfect with someone, or do you find these things something that i shouldn’t compromise on if they mean that much to me? It is so hard because every other aspect of him i really like and i feel he is the closest i have ever gotten to a great match for me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I wouldn't compromise on those two things. If it isn't better, or where you need it to be now while you are supposedly both doing your best to attract and keep the other....then why would it get better later? 

I don't think your standards are too high. But I think he is not the guy for you. He isn't meeting some pretty important needs... and at this stage, the reasons don't really matter. Either he is not into you as much as you are to him, or he isn't wanting to get too connected (via sex and romance), or this is just how he is. None of those will work in your favor. 

This is what dating is all about. Find someone who is more compatible with you. It's not this guy.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg no. Nooooooo.

Compromise at this early stage is going to a different restaurant because you don't eat Mexican...or keeping your dog off the couch if he doesn't like it instead of outside altogether...

Sex and romance? No way. If this is how things are this early on, when everyone is on their best behaviour - this is as good as it will ever get.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Certainly not this early on! Give love a chance!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Marry him and post on "Sex in Marriage" about your sexless marriage for the next 20 years....LD's are not fixable.....


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> Marry him and post on "Sex in Marriage" about your sexless marriage for the next 20 years....LD's are not fixable.....


100% in agreement


2 months and he is already tired of having sex with someone shiney
and new to him (for lack of a better phrase)...eek!!!!

Dump him and stop wasting your time and needs on someone who CAN'T ever fulfill them. 

At least he was stupidly honest within 2 months...count your stars, for losing only two months on this guy.


Bibi


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This would not be compromising.

This would be tolerating a person who is unable to meet your two main emtional needs in a relationship.

not a recipe for succcess.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Only you can answer the question of whether this is something you can live with or not. We cannot tell you to compromise because we do not know exactly how important this is to you and to do so would be irresponsible. Only you know if living without those things is possible for you to do and still have happiness. You mentioned the possibility that things may change as you two grow closer and marry and I can assure that they indeed will, they will get worse. So, if you are currently unhappy I would strongly suggest that you reevaluate your relationship.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, your brand new relationship is great, wonderful, all you've ever wanted? Except, well, there's no romance and not much sex.....

 

I guess I'm just wondering what could possibly be so awesome about this relationship that it would make up for a lack of romance and sex? Isn't a new relationship supposed to _be_ both romantic and sexual? If those two things weren't important to you in a relationship, you probably wouldn't be here asking if not having them "should" be a problem for you. The fact is, that the lack is a problem for you. A problem that's not likely to improve over time, since the beginning is usually the most romantic and highly sexually charged period of an entire relationship.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Some things are good to compromise on, others are not. Sex and romance are fundamental to the happiness of a relationship. If you are not looking for the same thing you will not be happy together. Take it from many of us who ended up this sort of situation.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

The problem is there are too many people in the real world who tell you not to build your relationships around sex. While I agree it shouldn't be based solely on sex, it's pretty damn important. We have this idea that it's shallow to not be with someone because there's not enough sex or it's not really good sex. I don't think it is. IMO it's as important as any other requirement you might have for a relationship.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I dunno. I wonder why you are asking us instead of talking to him. Maybe, just maybe he really is too tired. Does he work long hours, does he work a strenuous job, does he have some medical condition? As for romance perhaps he does feel as if he is being romantic but you haven't perhaps communicated your needs to him.

Beyond romance and sex, communication lies at the base of every relationship. It could just be as simple as miscommunication. Talk to him about these issues. Don't just ask for or attempt to initiate sex, or wait for him to be romantic - he might not be aware that these are issues for you.

I am not blaming you or him - you just need to communicate and take it from there. If you have a discussion and things aren't to your liking then it will be up to you to decide.


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## maone87 (Sep 27, 2015)

Thanks for your replies. Well, we have had sex, it just isn't as much as i would like. He is a religious person and i am not, so i think how much we have been having sex is probably normal to him, where as to me it seems limited. As far as the romance goes, i don't think he is romantic in the way i am. He makes dinner for me, and does cute little things for me...whereas my idea of romance is rose petals on the bed and picnics under the stars lol, and i know everyone isn't this way.

I have communicated this with him. He said he just isn't really a romantic person but he could be with time and us growing closer. He also said he just doesn't have a very high sex drive like i do, but when we have sex he really enjoys it. We have also been dating about 2 months and he hasn't committed yet. I think i am way more into him than he is me, so i have been giving it a little more time to see if as his feelings grew some things might change.

As far as what i enjoy about our relationship, he is smart, kind, open minded and very honest and communicative, he makes me laugh, we have the same ideas and outlook on things, he is affectionate, passionate, hard working, and it is just an added bonus that i am very attracted to him physically. Everything aligns perfectly in every aspect, other than the fact that we don't have sex as much as i would like...and he isn't as romantic as i would like. Because we are so well suited in every other way, i guess that is why i am having such a hard time in wondering if i should walk away from this as i have never matched up so well with someone personality wise. When i think back on all my past relationships, if i had more romance and sex with someone, other aspects were lacking, so i guess i am wondering if i can meet somewhere where everything aligns.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> The first thing is sex. I love how he isn’t just a jerk who wants just sex, but he seems too much the other way. I find sex with my partner very important. We have had sex, but many times when i have wanted to he has said he is tired or he doesn’t need it and seems reluctant to do so. It makes me feel really unwanted by him and it is something that bugs me a lot. I have wondered with time if it will change as we grow closer, or if this is just the way it is.


This is something you need to discuss with him. Find out how important sex is to him, how often he usually likes to have sex, what sex means to him emotionally and otherwise, the place he thinks sex should have in a relationship. 

Also, what are your ages? If he is older, he might be experiencing some ED issues and is too embarrassed to tell you about them at this stage so he just begs off sex instead. 

Or he might be stressed and tired - what is his schedule like? Are you getting together when he's exhausted after a long day and you want sex then? Does he turn you down in the mornings when he's well rested?

What is your relationship like when you aren't having sex? Are you two flirtatious with each other, do you touch frequently, does he tell you he thinks you are sexy or beautiful or things like that? Or is there no flirtation and you speak to each other like friends (not lovers)?



> The second thing is romance. I am an extremely romantic person and i know cheesy romance isn’t for everyone, but this is something i love. He isn’t particularly romantic, and i wish he was. I feel like i am constantly complimenting him and doing things i think are really sweet for him. He appreciates them, but i just don’t feel like i get the same level back from him that i would like as far as romance goes.


A lot of guys aren't into romance, or don't even know where to begin. He may have no idea what you think is romantic or what to do. This early in a relationship, you should talk with him about romance and what you would like to do together - be specific.

I would also suggest reading "Five Love Languages." You think that complimenting him and doing things for him show your love, and in your love languages (Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service), you are showing him love. But he may not see it the same way if his love language is Quality Time. He may think he is showing you love by spending time with you. 

Relationships take time to build, so make sure you truly get to know the person you are dating before deciding to keep going or end things.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

maone87 said:


> I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now and things have been going pretty well. We are so similar in so many aspects, but as time goes on i have noticed 2 things that we are on different pages about.
> 
> The first thing is sex. I love how he isn’t just a jerk who wants just sex, but he seems too much the other way. I find sex with my partner very important. We have had sex, but many times when i have wanted to he has said he is tired or he doesn’t need it and seems reluctant to do so. It makes me feel really unwanted by him and it is something that bugs me a lot. I have wondered with time if it will change as we grow closer, or if this is just the way it is.
> 
> ...


These two issue will probably get worse rather than better maone87. If I can assume by your name that you were born in 87 and therefore 28 years old then I think you're headed for trouble with this relationship. He may be a really great guy but sexual appetite is really important to be somewhat in sync with your partner. There are so many threads on TAM where this issue has just built up mountains of resentment.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> We have also been dating about 2 months and he hasn't committed yet.


Committed to what?

At two months, the only thing either of you should possibly be committing to is dating each other exclusively and not dating other people. Any more than that, and you are expecting FAR too much from a person.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I totally agree with @norajane. You both have only been dating for 2 months, that's a very small amount of time. If you are already seeing things you don't like - now is the time to bow out gracefully. Why stick around & wait for more things you don't like? Believe his actions....


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## maone87 (Sep 27, 2015)

Interesting. I'm not from the USA and if we like someone we become official after a month or so. How long do you usually date someone for before coming official? And we are exclusively dating.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

maone87 said:


> Interesting. I'm not from the USA and if we like someone we become official after a month or so. How long do you usually date someone for before coming official? And we are exclusively dating.


What is the difference between dating exclusively and "becoming official"?


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## maone87 (Sep 27, 2015)

I don't know lol. That is something that confuses me. As far as i am concerned exclusively dating is not seeing other people which is basically being together, but i guess as far as he is concerned we aren't seeing other people, but we are still only dating...he isn't committing to a relationship in terms of calling me his girlfriend yet.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

norajane said:


> Committed to what?
> 
> *At two months,* the only thing either of you *should *possibly *be committing to is dating each other exclusively* and not dating other people. Any more than that, and *you are expecting FAR too much *from a person.



:iagree:

Bibi

*******************************************************************************

On another note: Love your avatar norajane!


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Go read the thread by Curious Wife in the Sex in Marriage section. It runs on for about two years with a ton of good advice for her. Everything else in her marriage is great also except the sex and desire part. It seems to me that is likely where you are headed if you compromise with your feelings.

And I said with your feelings intentionally because that is who will be doing all the compromising. He already told you he wasn't that sexual it will never get any better.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

You were given a massive gift in learning very early on that sex and physical intimacy needs are not as significant for him as they are for you. While you most likely will not find a perfect mate, sex and desire from your partner are core relationship building blocks that a couple really need to be compatible with in order to be happy long term. Do not ignore the writing on the wall here. He has likely shown you his most intense desire and sexual urgency and it has left you wanting and unfulfilled. Tell him you aren't compatible sexually and move on. It will spare you both a lot of misery.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I am about 8 months into a relationship, and we started out having sex like 3-4 times a day in the beginning, and have settled into about once a day, sometimes twice. I guarantee the sex will totally drop off with you, and if you are already not getting enough you are just 100% setting yourself up for a disappointing and frustrating relationship. Break it off while its still new and wont hurt as much.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Whether you compromise on these two things has absolutely nothing to do with your partner, and everything to do with you. 

You must assume that your partner isn't going to change, and in fact might get more entrenched in his behavior over time. The question on compromise comes down to whether or not you can be happy like that. The fact that you're here asking our opinion indicates perhaps not.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

These are two very important things in a relationship and if you don't see eye to eye on these I don't think your relationship going forward will be that successful. My wife wasn't that much into sex and romance either and I am. I let this go thinking it would get better and time went on and it only got WORSE, much worse. I would urge you to find someone who is more compatible with you on these issues.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The only reason you feel everything else is great is because you haven't given yourself the opportunity to experience how wonderful it is with a person that meets ALL of your needs. 

You wouldn't be posting here if you were confident about what you actually want. I'd work on that first before trying to fit yourself into a compromising "mold."


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

Compromise is for little things... I know you like him, but like him enough to let him find someone better suited to him. 

Who gets the remote is compromise.

Feeling unfulfilled isn't


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Sarantonio said:


> Compromise is for little things... I know you like him, but like him enough to let him find someone better suited to him.
> 
> Who gets the remote is compromise.
> 
> Feeling unfulfilled isn't


:iagree:

Bibi


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I hate to say this, but an HD guy may act like someone just out for sex, just because he is genuinely HD, and wind up a perfect match...Believe me I pushed HARD for sex the first 2 months we dated. She would be aroused to the point of tears, and not give in....When she finally surrendered, we had sex constantly till her water broke 15 months later, and immediately after her gyno gave his OK 5 weeks post-partum...Our friends were giving us that "throw a bucket of water on them".....We were totally sexually obsessed with one another.....I am not saying you have to find someone like that, but I think everyone deserves it once.....


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> .Believe me I pushed HARD for sex the first 2 months we dated. She would be aroused to the point of tears, and not give in....When she finally surrendered, we had sex constantly till her water broke 15 months later, and immediately after her gyno gave his OK 5 weeks post-partum...Our friends were giving us that "throw a bucket of water on them".....We were totally sexually obsessed with one another.



Holly smokes Batman! I'm jealous. :smile2:

Robin/ I mean Bibi


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> Holly smokes Batman! I'm jealous. :smile2:
> 
> Robin/ I mean Bibi


Thinking about that time can bring me to tears.....She was a single mom, and had been taken advantage of by a serial impregnator of young girls....She had to quit HS in her senior year because this divorced man knocked her up and split....laughing...

The last laugh was on him.....She had never had an orgasm through sex with a partner, (They were together over a year)....

Not only did she ALWAYS orgasm with me, she often orgasmed during initial penetration.....Literally a huge moaning orgasm at first contact......

Her price was above rubies and she had been thrown away by a selfish savage (She was so torn so badly by defloration, she required medical treatment)...We have been together over 50 years.....


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

New relationship and doubts this soon?

Writing on the wall sorry to tell you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Holy Moly, OP. Run for the hills as fast as you can!!

Sex and romance are HUGE components in a relationship. Low sex/zero romance after only TWO MONTHS??? It will only go downhill from here. Leopards generally don't change their spots. 

The two of you are not compatible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The amount of sex you are having right now is probably the most you will ever have with him.

Sex is almost always the highest in a new relationship.

Him being religious has nothing to do with the amount of sex he has. He told you that sex is not important to him. He has a low sex drive and sex is not important to him.

When a guy says something, believe him.

This will not get better. It will get to be less and less sex.


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