# How do I stop these images in my head?



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I keep thinking things will get better, But I can't stop picturing them together. It's never completely out of my mind. Even when we are just watching TV I find myself looking at his hands & thinking about him touching her. It's driving me crazy & I don't know how to stop doing it. Sometimes I wander if I will ever be happy again. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Sometimes I just want to disappear & hide from the world. If there's anybody out there that can tell me how they got past the flood of images & questions that runs through your mind I would love to know how you did it. Any advice?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

More info needed.

How long ago did he cheat? How long was the affair? Co-worker, friend, old flame?

Did you go to counseling? Did he? Did you "deal" with the infidelity or just sweep it under the rug?

Are you sure the affair is over? If so, how do you know? Can you be certain there is no contact between them now?

I'm sorry you're here


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## BrightEyes86 (Nov 1, 2014)

Anxiety, no matter what the source, can be an extremely difficult thing to manage. All I can say for sure is that the old phrase "time heals all" is true, but you can't avoid the issue and expect it to go away. Yes, it will leave a scar, but eventually it won't be as painful. Have you been to counseling? Has he? If not I'd highly recommend it. Sitting there night after night agonizing over these mental images and trying to push them away isn't going to make them go away, you need to deal with them.

Have you tried talking to him about it? If he's under the impression things are A-OK he might not be picking up on the fact that something is bothering you. Don't be accusatory when you talk to him, just tell him what you told us, that you can't stop picturing it sometimes and it bothers you and is a source for anxiety for you.

And try relaxing activities, read a good book, meditate, drink soothing tea. I know it sounds silly but these things can really help when you're feeling anxious about something, at least enough to calm down and be able to deal with them instead of rug-sweeping.

But the bottom line is: Don't ignore it. Face it and address it, that's the only way you're going to be able to get past it.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> More info needed.
> 
> How long ago did he cheat? How long was the affair? Co-worker, friend, old flame?
> 
> ...


I told my story in my tread (This has destroyed me) It's been 3 months & he's had no contact with OW, But he brought her into my life, My home introduced us & watched us become friends.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

BrightEyes86 said:


> Anxiety, no matter what the source, can be an extremely difficult thing to manage. All I can say for sure is that the old phrase "time heals all" is true, but you can't avoid the issue and expect it to go away. Yes, it will leave a scar, but eventually it won't be as painful. Have you been to counseling? Has he? If not I'd highly recommend it. Sitting there night after night agonizing over these mental images and trying to push them away isn't going to make them go away, you need to deal with them.
> 
> Have you tried talking to him about it? If he's under the impression things are A-OK he might not be picking up on the fact that something is bothering you. Don't be accusatory when you talk to him, just tell him what you told us, that you can't stop picturing it sometimes and it bothers you and is a source for anxiety for you.
> 
> ...


I have tried to talk to him about it. He want talk about it because he says it makes him feel guilty & he's trying to forget it & He thinks that's what I need to do just move on & forget it. We haven't been to counseling. Even if we could afford it which we can't he wouldn't go.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I keep thinking things will get better, But I can't stop picturing them together. It's never completely out of my mind. Even when we are just watching TV I find myself looking at his hands & thinking about him touching her. It's driving me crazy & I don't know how to stop doing it. Sometimes I wander if I will ever be happy again. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Sometimes I just want to disappear & hide from the world. If there's anybody out there that can tell me how they got past the flood of images & questions that runs through your mind I would love to know how you did it. Any advice?


This single thought process is the reason I would never be able to reconcile. OP..llSome people just aren't meant to do so.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

I am sorry that you are here. For that matter, I am sorry that I am here too.

We can all relate to your pain on some level. I am 3+ years post Dday, in counseling, and in R. I chose not to divorce, mostly for my kids sake.

The images are awful to handle. I get them often. Recently his OW resurfaced and it hit me like a brick wall. One minute we were walking through the mall together and the next minute Wham! there she was. My knees went weak, my heart raced and my stomach turned. For days afterword, it was like I was right back in the beginning again with the images of them together, and feeling paranoid everytime his phone chimed, or he worked late etc.

I wish I had a magic remedy for you. I have found that time, open communication and redirection of your thoughts has helped. With redirection, I mean starting something new to focus on for yourself. For me, I signed up for a class at the community college and some free workshops at the community center just to use my brain in a different way and meet some new people. It doesn't cure my anxiety, just gives me an alternative to think about.

Keep posting and venting. TAM is great therapy when you feel most alone. Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What works for me is when every time the thoughts come in to my head I tell my self ' I deserve good things"

I will never allow those negitive thoughts take over me....what my old lady did was all on her...she did wrong and so did her AP's (yes plural).

What your old lady did with her AP was wrong and evil, there is nothing good about it and at the end of the day when they part ways it is nothing compared to the real connection two poeple have in an open and honest relationship.

So in fact those mind movies you have are about to two people that in the end feel very uncomfortable and guilt ridden.


In short take control over your mind and stop letting the bad sh1t in! When your with a lady its honest and loving....something you can be proud.....your old lady and AP had to hide cuz it was ugly and uncomfortable.....she may as well be with a clown in a clown suit with a big red nose....Point here is what they had was just a big joke...so phuck them!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

I will send you a pm with what our MC had me do to stop the mind movies. As I read your post I realized I did the same and it hurts. I wondered how my WW placed her hands on OM and if she did the same things to me. Then I noticed her wedding ring and asked if she had taken it off. To my despair she wore her ring through all six months of her affair. Hearing all of this really through me over the edge. Looking back now I'm amazed I'm alive, I was severely depressed and highly suicidal. I'm still here and still in R so I guess that's something. Keep hanging in there and keep the communication open with your husband. 

While some say time heals all wounds, in my opinion it doesn't when it comes to infidelity. I know I'll never forget but as time passes maybe it will be easier to deal with. At ten months from d-day I still get flooded with thoughts of them together. It sickens me, I think I am making the wrong choice, and I just want all this pain to end. How do you turn back time to where infidelity never happened? You can't, you can only press on dealing with each issue. My WW has made good progress, has helped me, and discovered issues of her own. WW is correcting her issues and if she wasn't working so hard I would have left. Keep pushing forward devastated, if I made it to ten months from d-day you can too. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I suppose it depends on the person. For me it's been a good 15+ years and I still have videos that play in my mind. Others are pretty good at blocking it out after a few years.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I have tried to talk to him about it. He want talk about it because he says it makes him feel guilty & he's trying to forget it & He thinks that's what I need to do just move on & forget it. We haven't been to counseling. Even if we could afford it which we can't he wouldn't go.


So it's STILL all about HIS needs then.


HE won't talk. (to you. Or listen).


HE feels guilty. (Doesn't care how you feel). 


HE's trying (implying you aren't).


HE thinks it's what you need to do. (what you think is wrong unless you agree with him).


HE won't go to counseling. (cuz he's just fine while you tolerate him).


I'll tell ya something. HE ain't worth getting better for.


HE needs to learn about equality and respect. HE will do it again given half a chance.


Your anxiety/depression/trauma will struggle to get better living with that. It'll be one step forward, one step back.

I'm sure you are devastated and lost. If you want to be ecstatic and found you need to leave that emotionally abusive chump.

Seriously. You can't undo anxiety in an anxious environment with the cause of the anxiety ever present.

Sorry this offers you no hope,, but you're in a near hopeless situation that only you can extract you from.

If it's just the 'images', aversion therapy might work (but he wouldn't help you),,, but I bet it's much more than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

We've been together since we were kids. I know he Loves me, But I just figured out yesterday that he sat & talked with her about running away together & living on the beach. That's where he took me to try & work things out & now that's all he talks about is us going back to the beach. We did Love it. We reconnected & made some good memories there. It was our first time ever going, But now I can't help but wander if he's thinking of our time there or the fact that that's where she wanted to go with him. Am I crazy for seeing her in everything we do?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> We've been together since we were kids. I know he Loves me, But I just figured out yesterday that he sat & talked with her about running away together & living on the beach. That's where he took me to try & work things out & now that's all he talks about is us going back to the beach. We did Love it. We reconnected & made some good memories there. It was our first time ever going, But now I can't help but wander if he's thinking of our time there or the fact that that's where she wanted to go with him. Am I crazy for seeing her in everything we do?


if you want to work it out with him, i woudl sell everything and move, maybe change jobs too. then pick up a new hobby that centers around improving yourself, exercise has huge benefits too.

if your husband isnt open to any of this, dump him. he should be able to openly and honestly address any question or concern or validate anything you are feeling. if he cant then you have little chance of a successful R with him.

good luck, sorry you are here.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You have a right to get your questions answered, and I ultimately found this helpful. What worked best for me was to write out my questions and my wife wrote back the answers.

Mind movies eventually fade. I got to the point where when something painful got into my head, I deliberately pushed the thought away. It takes practice, and it's much harder to do when you are haunted by the unknown.

His strategy of leaving the past alone, is a poor one. Research shows that couples that discuss the infidelity have a much higher chance of reconciling. You need to push to get the answers you need, including any and all details you want to know.

Just be careful of what you ask, you can't unhear them.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

seeking sanity said:


> You have a right to get your questions answered, and I ultimately found this helpful. What worked best for me was to write out my questions and my wife wrote back the answers.
> 
> Mind movies eventually fade. I got to the point where when something painful got into my head, I deliberately pushed the thought away. It takes practice, and it's much harder to do when you are haunted by the unknown.
> 
> ...


Believe me I know I've herd some pretty sicking stuff. He told me everything the firs few days. Then he didn't want to talk about it anymore (His words) It Just keeps it going & all it's doing is keeping it on my mind.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I suspect that in a lifetime of knowing you he's figured out plenty of your 'on' buttons. Beach, flowers, chocolates or whatever convinces you he loves you. He reads the big, easy signs but not the smaller subtle ones.

Nope. You're not crazy. You are low self-esteem, probably depressed, certainly anxious with low-mid trauma.

If you get a few hours to yourself it MIGHT help to focus on the images rather than push them away. If you need his hands (etc) to see them you'll have to do it sneakily since he won't help.

Same principle as curing people of spider/snake phobias. Confront fear until you're on top of it. Own it and it goes away. Pushing the images away is like going to the shower cuz a spider's in the bath. You avoid the battle but make no progress in the war.

"Trying to forget" is a fallacy. To try to forget something you have to remind yourself what it is that you want to forget. It takes longer to go away.

Likely, you have too much angst for it to work,, but it won't hurt you to deliberately 'play' with your images. Give it a whirl and see if there's any improvement in a week.

Stop if they distress you,, but try to do a little more each day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

the best way I found is time a good sense of humor and get rid of the loser.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I keep thinking things will get better, But I can't stop picturing them together. It's never completely out of my mind. Even when we are just watching TV I find myself looking at his hands & thinking about him touching her. It's driving me crazy & I don't know how to stop doing it. Sometimes I wander if I will ever be happy again. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Sometimes I just want to disappear & hide from the world. If there's anybody out there that can tell me how they got past the flood of images & questions that runs through your mind I would love to know how you did it. Any advice?


Therapy. CBT helps, NLP too, in the hands of a properly qualified counsellor.

It takes time, but it can be done.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Its no help, but I know the images are a hugely common problem, that most people suffer with just as you are. Most ask the same questions. 

I even contemplated a hypnotist at one low moment. Now, I'm one year past DDay almost exactly. (the affair ended many years ago, but I didn't know).
The images are not as bad, but still bug me like mad when my mind goes there. It has ruined my image of my wife. No matter how nice the moment is, there is that reservation.

What I think you can expect is for the images to really trouble you for about 6-8 months. Then, just because you've thought of it SO MUCH, you begin to get numb to it a little.

I believe its like getting used to a scar, or a limp, something like that. You never really forget it, you just get used to it. Tell that to your husband next time he doesn't want to talk about the handicap he's placed on you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are very early in the process. It takes time. And some people are better at blocking stuff than others. I was not good at blocking and so I had mind movies until my divorce was finalized 30 years later. Mine are gone now because I no longer care but I would have loved to have given them up decades ago. 

Not everyone reacts the same to recovering from infidelity. It's certainly never easy but some people struggle more than others. It helps when your spouse does whatever it takes and that includes going over it again and again. Especially in the first year. Your husband doesn't want to do that. 

You really do need counseling to get through this. Can your church help?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> You are very early in the process. It takes time. And some people are better at blocking stuff than others. I was not good at blocking and so I had mind movies until my divorce was finalized 30 years later. Mine are gone now because I no longer care but I would have loved to have given them up decades ago.
> 
> Not everyone reacts the same to recovering from infidelity. It's certainly never easy but some people struggle more than others. It helps when your spouse does whatever it takes and that includes going over it again and again. Especially in the first year. Your husband doesn't want to do that.
> 
> You really do need counseling to get through this. Can your church help?


No I don't think that would be an option for us. At this point I am just so tired of the whole situation that I think I'm ready to just try & put it behind me. It seems like all I'm doing is keeping us both torn apart. My H has never been one to talk about his feelings. He has answered more questions than I expected him to. So I'm going to try to just let it go & try to get on with our life. That's all I know to do. I'm so tired of arguing all of the time.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> No I don't think that would be an option for us. At this point I am just so tired of the whole situation that I think I'm ready to just try & put it behind me. It seems like all I'm doing is keeping us both torn apart. My H has never been one to talk about his feelings. He has answered more questions than I expected him to. So I'm going to try to just let it go & try to get on with our life. That's all I know to do. I'm so tired of arguing all of the time.


Of course, do as your heart and feelings dictate, but keep this in mind: you may be playing right into his hands.

I don't mean that he has some evil plan; just that you may be doing what is best for HIM, at the expense of what is best for YOU. Sound like a pattern in your life, maybe? (I'm shaking my head and thinking "bless her heart")

See what I mean? Most men hate to talk about feelings, etc. What you've got here is a failure to communicate. He has to do what you want this time, like it or not.

Did you like finding out he had an affair? No way.
Does he want to sit and deal with the consequences, answer your questions, and try to reassure you? Probably not.
Which is worse? 
He owes you. He has to realize that somewhere deep down. If not, he needs to.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Forest said:


> Of course, do as your heart and feelings dictate, but keep this in mind: you may be playing right into his hands.
> 
> I don't mean that he has some evil plan; just that you may be doing what is best for HIM, at the expense of what is best for YOU. Sound like a pattern in your life, maybe? (I'm shaking my head and thinking "bless her heart")
> 
> ...


I'm hoping that if I just back off & give him time it will be easier for him to talk about it, But if he don't that's ok. He has been very honest with me. I know he is hurting too. He has told me he is so ashamed & the guilt is taring him apart & my questions just keep bringing back things that he's trying to forget. So I think I will at least try to put it out of my mind & work on the here & now.


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