# Distant husband



## vailles (Jun 23, 2018)

My husband has been very distant for the past 4-5 months. He doesn’t want to spend any time with me et the kids. He comes to bed very late at night, turns on le télé and does not acknowledge me. He is picking fights over small things and we seem to fight all time. He judges everything that I do, things that he had never commented on before. We no longer go on dates. If we are watching a movie, eating, out for a walk he stares at his phone the entire time. He gets mad when I ask him to put it away. He won’t talk about the problem. 

We are having stress in our life currently with my husband changing jobs and my daughters father. My husband changed jobs 8 months ago and he has struggled finding a new work-life balance. My daughter’s father has been making more of a presence in our lives, making scenes, inappropriate behaviours. 

My husband’s way to deal with it is to not deal at all but to avoid. He will not talk to me about any of it. When we are intimate is much less often now and he is not the same. 

I do not know what to do.


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## vailles (Jun 23, 2018)




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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Keep trying to talk with him as I'm sure changing jobs is stressful and he may not even like his new position. You might want to make a marriage counseling appt so that you can possibly find out more of what's really going on. Maybe he feels like a failure or he can't control what's going on in his life. Continue to be patient, intimacy also helps relieve stress. Hopefully, he will open up.


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## vailles (Jun 23, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> Keep trying to talk with him as I'm sure changing jobs is stressful and he may not even like his new position. You might want to make a marriage counseling appt so that you can possibly find out more of what's really going on. Maybe he feels like a failure or he can't control what's going on in his life. Continue to be patient, intimacy also helps relieve stress. Hopefully, he will open up.


My husband has no want to go to marriage counseling. He thinks it is a waste of time and money. He doesn't want to be intimate, either. So I sit in limbo until he will do something about it?


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## vailles (Jun 23, 2018)

Every Saturday and Sunday we go out as a family. My husband previously enjoyed this. Today we went skating. Mon husband wanted to get it over with quickly and was grumpy the entire time we were out. When we came home he immediately went to his home-office and will ignore me and the kids the rest of the day. I hate this... It physically hurts each time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You don't have to sit in limbo. You can have a really honest talk with him so he is informed about how much this isn't working for you. And then observe if he cares to do anything about it. If he doesn't, you don't have to stay married to him.

I divorced a man who didn't give a **** about me after 16 years of marriage. My biggest life regret is that I didn't leave years sooner.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes, I'm sure it's lonely.. You either live with it, get him into marriage counseling or divorce him. He might be seeing someone else..


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

You might want to covertly find out who the other woman is.

there is a possibility that it is just stress, but this is pretty common behavior of men or women having an affair. whether just emotional or a full on physical affair.


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## vailles (Jun 23, 2018)

He is not having an affair.

How can I convince him that marriage counseling would be helpful? How can I encourage my husband to be open with me? I don't know what I'm doing wrong.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

vailles said:


> He is not having an affair.
> 
> How can I convince him that marriage counseling would be helpful? How can I encourage my husband to be open with me? I don't know what I'm doing wrong.


I'm sorry to tell you this, but your husband is most likely involved with another woman whether you want to believe it's possible or not.

Your husband is displaying many behaviors associated with an affair. It is highly probable that your husband is involved with another woman. I realize you don't want to believe this, but it's probably true. Look up Signs of an Affair online and see what comes up. You may want to rethink your position on this.

Edited to add: It is likely that the woman works at the same place he does, which makes it much easier for him to hide it. Has he been mentioning any particular woman or did he and now he's stopped?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

vailles said:


> He is not having an affair.
> 
> How can I convince him that marriage counseling would be helpful? How can I encourage my husband to be open with me? I don't know what I'm doing wrong.


Asking him whether he has an affair will not help. He will deny it and, if he has one, he will be more careful that you don't find out. As others have suggested, his withdrawal might be due to stress, but there is a big chance that he is involved with another woman for him to pull out of his family life and become so distant and grumpy. 

Do you guys share passwords and have access to each other's phones, email and social media accounts? You should as a married couple. Check them. 

When we love somebody we don't want to even consider the idea that they might be cheating on us. For this reason, to protect ourselves emotionally we deny and reject this idea altogether. But in your case, it seems that you have to take this idea into consideration if you want to find an explanation for his withdrawal.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

You can't ask him! What do you think he is going to say?

Put a recorder in his car or office. Snoop his phone record.

He is displaying affair behavior big time.


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## vailles (Jun 23, 2018)

1. Sudden Changes in His Appearance
When my husband started his new job he began shaving clean. Prior he always had medium-long stubble. He never shaved clean prior to his new job, but his new job has strict standards for appearance. Around the time he started his new job he started losing weight. He has lost 30lb. 

2. His Attitude Towards You Dramatically Changes
“If the other woman demands more of his time, he may start arguments with you so he can storm out and rendezvous with her” 

“If he's not only picking fights, but also criticizing you for things that hadn't bothered him before, like your appearance, eating habits or intelligence, it's probably not about the way you chew your food or the 5 pounds you've gained, but really about another woman.”

He gets mad easily about things that didn’t previously bother him. Sometimes he leaves the house for an hour or two…. He criticizes everything that I do…. 

3. He’s Become Distant
“if he doesn't say much, he's less likely to say something incriminating”
“he could be pushing you away because he's growing closer to someone else [or] so he can focus on his new partner without feeling as guilty”

He has been extremely emotionally and physically distant since starting his new job. We don’t talk like we use to. He won’t call or text me at lunch anymore. He ignores my texts or calls. He doesn’t want me to touch him at home or in public. When we are intimate he acts differently than he use to. 

4. Guilty Behaviour 
“Some men may avoid their partners when they have something to hide, no longer making eye contact or attempts to communicate”

He never has eye contact with me anymore…. He avoids communication…. 

5. Secretive, Unusual or Unexplained Behaviour
He put a different code on his phone. He told me it but it is very complicated and I don’t remember it. He closes windows on his screen when I walk by his computer. He doesn’t invite me out with friends. Once a month he commutes to a city 4 hours away, once he stayed at un hôtel instead of come home that night. 

6. You Never See Him Anymore
He does work more. When is he is home he has no interest in being with me and the kids. He isn’t away from the home with unknown whereabouts… 

7. He’s Frequently Unavailable or Unreachable
At work he doesn’t call or text at lunch anymore. Sometimes he doesn’t answer, sometimes his phone is off and dead. He says he is too busy or needs space…. 

8. He Becomes a Different Man in the Sack
He doesn’t want to be intimate now…. When we are intimate he rushes through to finish and leaves the room. He doesn’t look at me. No foreplay. He only wants to be behind me and anal. He never had an interest in that before. He pulls out and finishes in his hand. He never did that before. 

9. A New Woman Enters the Picture
He doesn’t talk about anyone else…. At least…

:crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying:


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ok, now that you have established that he is having an affair, what are you going to do? 

Do you know what to do?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Wow. I'm sorry. That's obvious that we were unfortunately right. I hate to be right about these things. It stinks.

Do not confront him. I know it's hard, but he will only take it further underground. 

Start reading threads on here about affairs. You will learn a lot about what to do and what not to do. 

Buy a book on divorce in your state. Keep it on your tablet. If you don't have a tablet, buy one, so you can read without him noticing. You want to have the upper hand no matter what happens here. It is much better to be prepared and not at his mercy, which he has completely lost towards you and the kids.

Again, I'm sorry you are facing this. It's horrible, but you can get through it. Knowledge is power. Read up, then start asking questions and we will help you get through this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What has your ex been doing?

Especially the inappropriate part.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He's definitely cheating.

Don't think he isn't.

Follow him. See what he's doing at lunch... if needed follow him on a "business trip" he's got planned. You'll find out he's not alone.

Too many red flags that only point directly to cheating.

Most likely he's met someone new at his new job.


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## vailles (Jun 23, 2018)

No. No, no. No. He wouldn’t have an affair…. He wouldn’t do that. He’s not doing that. 

He has been shaving because he has to for his job. He lost weight because he had wanted to for a long time and finally initiated it. He is stressed from work. It causes him to have outbursts and want alone time to unwind. He changed his phone code because he has work information there. He doesn’t invite me out because he needs alone time to unwind. He stayed in a hotel once because he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to drive home. The change in our intimacy is caused by stress. 

He is my husband. He is my children’s father and step-father. He isn’t having an affair. No, no. He wouldn’t do that. 

I try to contact him every day at lunch and most days it is ignored. He’s not being intimate with another woman while I’m home with our kids…. He doesn’t leave me and our kids every day to see another woman. He isn’t staying overnight with another woman, being intimate with her, while I am home wondering where he is. He wouldn’t do that…..


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## vailles (Jun 23, 2018)

What did I do wrong?  Why would he go to another woman?  Why am *I* not good enough.... Why would he do this to me? To our kids. What did I do wrong? :crying: We were happy... How do I make him stop? I don't know what I did wrong.... to drive him away.... to another woman.... I don't want another woman being with my husband... He's my husband... What did I do wrong...


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

"My daughter’s father has been making more of a presence in our lives, making scenes, inappropriate behaviours."

Let's not just skip right over this little bit of info. 

Give us a brief overview of your relationship with the kid's father, when you met your current husband, etc. 

Your husband is exhibiting resentment towards you. I have a feeling that resentment is born out of the situation with his step-child and her father.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

vailles said:


> What did I do wrong?  Why would he go to another woman?  Why am *I* not good enough.... Why would he do this to me? To our kids. What did I do wrong? :crying: We were happy... How do I make him stop? I don't know what I did wrong.... to drive him away.... to another woman.... I don't want another woman being with my husband... He's my husband... What did I do wrong...


All of these feelings that you are having are completely normal. Everyone has them. Everyone.

Now, you have to take a breath, and try to get your head together and think clearly. As much as you are hurting, you have to focus. 

One of the first things that you have to understand is this: You are responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage. 

But, your H is responsible for 100% of his cheating. He could have done any number of things besides cheating. NO, this is all on him.

So what to do? The first thing to do is gather evidence so that you can confront him with the evidence in your hand, and he will not be able to lie his way out of it. 

Do not confront him until you have the evidence. Then you get to decide if you want to stay married to him. 

Continue reading here and you will see the patterns about infidelity.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vailles said:


> He is not having an affair.
> 
> How can I convince him that marriage counseling would be helpful? How can I encourage my husband to be open with me? I don't know what I'm doing wrong.


How can you be sure he is not having an affair, all the signs are there, if you have absolute proof there is no affair, it could be depression.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vailles said:


> No. No, no. No. He wouldn’t have an affair…. He wouldn’t do that. He’s not doing that.
> 
> He has been shaving because he has to for his job. He lost weight because he had wanted to for a long time and finally initiated it. He is stressed from work. It causes him to have outbursts and want alone time to unwind. He changed his phone code because he has work information there. He doesn’t invite me out because he needs alone time to unwind. He stayed in a hotel once because he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to drive home. The change in our intimacy is caused by stress.
> 
> ...


Be an ostrich’s if you must, you have just presented more red flags, get him followed


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't know if your husband is cheating or not but I do know that I thought there was no possible way on earth my husband would cheat. Guess what? He did. 

You never know your spouse as well as you think. Don't trust blindly.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Get into his phone.

Find out what's on that phone.

Do you have access to his phone bill? That's one way to see if he is contacting someone besides you.

Put a voice activated recorder in his car. See if he's having any phone conversations with anyone while driving. Put one in his briefcase too, if possible.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Please read in the infidelity part of the forums to get a better idea of what is going on and how to handle it.


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