# The Online Dating thread



## Faithful Wife

In order to stop thread jacking elsewhere, and because there are a lot of people with online dating experiences at TAM, I decided to open this thread. Nothing will be considered a thread jack here as far as I'm concerned. Tell us the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful experiences you've had. Or ask a question. Or post your profile for feedback.

@friggenlost if you want to continue our discourse here, feel free. I would like to respond to the ego inflation comments you made on the other thread because I don't understand what you meant. 

My experience in a nutshell: I love OLD but would prefer to meet someone in person. It doesn't happen that often that I meet someone in person so OLD is awesome in that it helps put you out there when you can't actually get out there. 

I haven't seen some of the carnage that gets described around TAM from OLD personally, but when I'm on an OLD date I sometimes get crazy stories from my date about their experiences. Sometimes that's the best part of the date, just sharing our thoughts about how it feels to be dating.


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## SentHereForAReason

Curious about this as well. I may dip my toe in the water after the divorce is final in OLD. I'm not that old, I think, very active in terms of sports, weights, fitness, 38 but have been dating/married to my STBXW for the past 18 years and she was my one and only 'partner'.

I will not even think about attempting it until the Divorce is final even though she will be out in early as a few weeks to her new house and D might not be final til July.

Also, going to be focusing on kids as I have my whole life as the priority so when we split homes and IF that's not going well, I will hold off so that I can keep my focus where it needs to be. I'm also hoping to work out a deal in court to where dates and a gf or bf cannot be brought around kids for at least 6 months after Divorce is final. This won't be an issue for me, might even be years before I do that but with my STBXW, she was showing OM pictures of kids and sharing experiences and wanting him to meet kids as early as 6-7 months ago, when I didn't know the full details of her affair. 

Anyways, sorry for that tangent. If anything, when I do start, I am going for interaction and getting my sea legs mixed in with a couple of crash and burns I'm sure  Everyone keeps telling me I will have NO issues with options but still, until I actually go out there and put it into practice, we'll see how it goes.


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## frigginlost

Faithful Wife said:


> @friggenlost if you want to continue our discourse here, feel free. I would like to respond to the ego inflation comments you made on the other thread because I don't understand what you meant.
> 
> My experience in a nutshell: I love OLD but would prefer to meet someone in person. It doesn't happen that often that I meet someone in person so OLD is awesome in that it helps put you out there when you can't actually get out there.
> 
> I haven't seen some of the carnage that gets described around TAM from OLD personally, but when I'm on an OLD date I sometimes get crazy stories from my date about their experiences. Sometimes that's the best part of the date, just sharing our thoughts about how it feels to be dating.


In a nutshell (and I can only base it on what you posted as I don't know you from Eve) you have shown that you "enjoy" the "I'll see what this one is all about" meetings with several men from OLD. The crux of that is, you don't really get to "know" anybody from such a brief encounter and my thoughts would be there had to be something there before even meeting up that gave you pause. Are you truly giving them a chance, or are you deciding to go out with them out of boredom, or because you want a little attention? (And when I say "you" I mean all women)

I, myself, love to irritate a woman or call her out only because it forces them to "drop their mask" and show who they really are when I'm getting to know them. I never disrespect them, nor disregard their opinions, but I will call them on any perceived b*ll**** I'm getting from them.

And yes, my congrats on you and your new guy was sincere.


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## jorgegene

i never had any problems with OLD. iv'e met lots of women with OLD. 
some really nice and good women, some weird.
my success rate was modest, and there is a lot of
back and forth and game playing, but all in all it's been good to me. 
my picker was not always working good and it got me into a very bad
relationship some years ago, but that was my fault, not OLD. 
finding a mate through friends, church, or the local bar works too, but it takes too long in between meeting people.
it might take months to wait to meet someone, whereas, OLD, iv'e never had to wait more than about 2-3 weeks to get a date
from scratch.

finally, i met my current wife through OLD. i found that gem i was looking for. 
we'll celebrate our 5th anniversary in about 3 weeks.


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## Faithful Wife

frigginlost said:


> In a nutshell (and I can only base it on what you posted as I don't know you from Eve) you have shown that you "enjoy" the "I'll see what this one is all about" meetings with several men from OLD. The crux of that is, you don't really get to "know" anybody from such a brief encounter and my thoughts would be there had to be something there before even meeting up that gave you pause. Are you truly giving them a chance, or are you deciding to go out with them out of boredom, or because you want a little attention? (And when I say "you" I mean all women)
> 
> I, myself, love to irritate a woman or call her out only because it forces them to "drop their mask" and show who they really are when I'm getting to know them. I never disrespect them, nor disregard their opinions, but I will call them on any perceived b*ll**** I'm getting from them.
> 
> And yes, my congrats on you and your new guy was sincere.


Ok I see what you mean.

I don't think "giving them a chance" is what I should be doing when I don't feel interested in someone after a first date. It would seem that would be leading them on. And to be clear, sometimes they don't ask for a second date, so obviously it was mutual lack of interest.

If I have a first date that goes well and we both want a second date, then that happens. I'm not sure how to slice up the numbers to show what I mean, but the probability of a third date gets pretty small when looking at the whole.

As for doing this to get a little attention....it's just odd to me anyone would see it that way, but I'll take your word for it that some women date for that reason. For me, my date and I are both attentive to each other. I'm not going on dates where some dude is fawning over me. That literally never happens. Instead, we meet, we hug, we have interesting conversation for an hour or so, I am open to him, interested in him, even if it's not going to get to a second date. I like people and like hearing about someone's life. It doesn't feel like "getting attention". It feels like I'm paying attention, which I enjoy doing.

Again I'll take your word for it that there are many women like you describe.


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## NobodySpecial

For me, I don't have a problem with casual dating. I don't have the one date expectation you have since I don't think you can really get to know someone in that amount of time. But nor do I necessarily want to find a particular term of duration in a relationship. When profiles don't appeal, I don't get annoyed. I just thank the poster silently that he let me know we are not compatible. 

I don't really look at the "bad" or the "ugly" in that light. Again, it just demonstrates that I am not for him. I was talking to one person who literally did NOTHING for fun since he did not have a mate. He was waiting for a girlfriend to rescue him from his boredom. There have been quite a few who, after I indicated disinterest, begged me to give them a chance. A chance to do what? Continue telling me what I think or feel? Prove what a great guy they are having behaved a few times so we can get busy? Continue to not have fun or anything to talk about? I don't know what it is up with that. But I definitely was not left feeling like *I* was interesting or important to the equation except insofar as I was female.

Fewer by far, but definitely worth it, were some pretty amazing, smart, fun guys. Whatever we got together for, whether sailing, eating, comedy, walks... it was FUN. Lots of conversation. Some great bootie. Whee!


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## Rowan

I was 36 when I divorced after a 21 year relationship, and 38 when I entered the entirely new-to-me world of adult dating. I'd actually never even had a first date with anyone who wasn't already my boyfriend, so it was a bit daunting. But, I decided to just have fun with it, meet interesting people, have good conversations, and do neat things I might not have done otherwise. If I met someone wonderful, great. If not, then I would have enjoyed myself and my life was pretty awesome already, so no harm no foul. I did most of my dating via Match and eHarmony, overall I found it to be a good experience that I would try again if I ever found myself single in the future. 

I live in a small town, so getting out there to meet someone in person, organically, just really wasn't going to ever happen. I know all the men who live here in my age range already. I also know their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, who they dated in high school, who they took to prom, where they went to college or didn't, what they do in their spare time, and a good bit about their business dealings, work situation and finances. I also know their children, and - perhaps most limiting of all - their ex-wives and the reasons for their divorces. There were literally just no eligible and appropriate men around here that I was even remotely interested in. So, online dating was a way to gain introductions to men in the larger surrounding areas. I chatted with a fair number of men that turned out not to be a match for me. I met in person and had first or even second dates with several very nice men who simply turned out to be not a match for me. I had two brief relationships, both lasting around 3 months each, before things ended. 

I did get a couple weirdos and a few random **** pics. And there were a lot of men who contacted me with whom I had serious, and very obvious, incompatibilities. I think a lot of folks just don't really read the profiles before they send messages. I was also surprised by the numbers of mid-40s+ men who wanted to finally settle down, have their first "real" relationship, and start a family. I learned to screen really well to eliminate a lot of the really crazy stuff I hear about from other online daters. But I did wind up chatting briefly with a couple of sort of scary guys. The first was clearly just really angry with women, and he went from "Hi" to violently profane rage guy in the space of about 4 hours of online chat spread across a grand total of 6 messages. The second was someone who seemed normal enough during online chat, but when we spoke on the phone just came across as far too intense and cynical beneath a quickly cracking veneer of pleasantness. He just gave off the vibe of a smiling predator that's luring you in before he strikes. But, a quick goodbye and blocking them fixed the problem both times, so I guess it's all good.

And, finally, I met my SO, who I've been dating for 2.5 years now. We're stupidly happy!


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## sokillme

It's funny how ironic your name is considering you are the one starting the thread. 

I know you are not married now.


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## frigginlost

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok I see what you mean.
> 
> I don't think "giving them a chance" is what I should be doing when I don't feel interested in someone after a first date. It would seem that would be leading them on. And to be clear, sometimes they don't ask for a second date, so obviously it was mutual lack of interest.
> 
> If I have a first date that goes well and we both want a second date, then that happens. I'm not sure how to slice up the numbers to show what I mean, but the probability of a third date gets pretty small when looking at the whole.
> 
> As for doing this to get a little attention....it's just odd to me anyone would see it that way, but I'll take your word for it that some women date for that reason. For me, my date and I are both attentive to each other. I'm not going on dates where some dude is fawning over me. That literally never happens. Instead, we meet, we hug, we have interesting conversation for an hour or so, I am open to him, interested in him, even if it's not going to get to a second date. I like people and like hearing about someone's life. It doesn't feel like "getting attention". It feels like I'm paying attention, which I enjoy doing.
> 
> Again I'll take your word for it that there are many women like you describe.


Okay, than it would appear I miss-read you a little bit. You used the words "leading them on" and that was never brought up. That tells me that you are indeed "in tune" with what is happening, and you are not just looking for a free meal.

OLD for a male is extremely frustrating at times. Social media as a whole has opened up a massive gate to manipulation. A female (and again, please don't take this as a blanket statement) with "bad actor" intentions can literally walk all over a male and be right back on line with 10 other guys feeding her ego with "that guy didn't know what he had" or "he's a douche" or "you did nothing wrong" peppering her ear. Some women buy into it and start a very bad downhill progression toward the label of "crazy" or "a ****" or what have you. What they don't realize is that every single one of those 10 thirsty guys are sharks that smell blood in the water. The woman with her new inflated ego, then gets played only to return to OLD with "men are pigs" so I'll play them intentions. And the cycle repeats itself.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I wont meet up with any OLD woman unless we have texted for two months. My average is pretty good that after we do meet up, it's gonna progress. If it does, I won't sleep with a woman for 2 months. I figure at the end of a 4 month courtship most quirks have been found, and bullsh*t dealt with.

I have no issues at all with those that use OLD for "casual" hookups or just looking to have fun, but if I sense those women are using "looking for Mr right" as a manipulation to feed their shallow ego's, or damaged emotional state, I'll call em on it.


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## Faithful Wife

frigginlost said:


> OLD for a male is extremely frustrating at times. Social media as a whole has opened up a massive gate to manipulation. *A female (and again, please don't take this as a blanket statement) with "bad actor" intentions can literally walk all over a male and be right back on line with 10 other guys feeding her ego with "that guy didn't know what he had" or "he's a douche" or "you did nothing wrong" peppering her ear*. Some women buy into it and start a very bad downhill progression toward the label of "crazy" or "a ****" or what have you. What they don't realize is that every single one of those 10 thirsty guys are sharks that smell blood in the water. The woman with her new inflated ego, then gets played only to return to OLD with "men are pigs" so I'll play them intentions. And the cycle repeats itself.
> 
> Maybe I'm old fashioned, *but I wont meet up with any OLD woman unless we have texted for two months. My average is pretty good that after we do meet up, it's gonna progress. If it does, I won't sleep with a woman for 2 months*. I figure at the end of a 4 month courtship most quirks have been found, and bullsh*t dealt with.
> 
> I have no issues at all with those that use OLD for "casual" hookups or just looking to have fun, but if I sense those women are using "looking for Mr right" as a manipulation to feed their shallow ego's, or damaged emotional state, I'll call em on it.


To the first bolded....again, I will take your word that this happens a lot. I am sure there is no way I could see this behavior in other women for myself without being on the man's side of OLD. 

To the second bolded...yes I am sure you have weeded out any imposters with that plan! It sounds rigid to me, but I don't doubt that it is a quite well developed plan for you, and there's nothing wrong with being rigid when you know what you want.

In your two months of texting, you don't ask about their previous relationships? I think in the other thread you said you don't ask that kind of questions until you know someone in person for a bit?


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## bkyln309

frigginlost said:


> Okay, than it would appear I miss-read you a little bit. You used the words "leading them on" and that was never brought up. That tells me that you are indeed "in tune" with what is happening, and you are not just looking for a free meal.
> 
> OLD for a male is extremely frustrating at times. Social media as a whole has opened up a massive gate to manipulation. A female (and again, please don't take this as a blanket statement) with "bad actor" intentions can literally walk all over a male and be right back on line with 10 other guys feeding her ego with "that guy didn't know what he had" or "he's a douche" or "you did nothing wrong" peppering her ear. Some women buy into it and start a very bad downhill progression toward the label of "crazy" or "a ****" or what have you. What they don't realize is that every single one of those 10 thirsty guys are sharks that smell blood in the water. The woman with her new inflated ego, then gets played only to return to OLD with "men are pigs" so I'll play them intentions. And the cycle repeats itself.
> 
> Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I wont meet up with any OLD woman unless we have texted for two months. My average is pretty good that after we do meet up, it's gonna progress. If it does, I won't sleep with a woman for 2 months. I figure at the end of a 4 month courtship most quirks have been found, and bullsh*t dealt with.
> 
> I have no issues at all with those that use OLD for "casual" hookups or just looking to have fun, but if I sense those women are using "looking for Mr right" as a manipulation to feed their shallow ego's, or damaged emotional state, I'll call em on it.


Two months of texting before meeting??? You will unlikely have an OLD date. Honestly, I would rather meet them quickly in person and get an immediate gauge of the person. Texting does not equate in real life chemistry and compatibility. I am not spending all that time texting when I could have found out in an hour if we were going to have date 2. Some guys have been great in text and just not the same in person. 

I was fortunate but very selective in whom I met on OLD. Met some great guys. Of course only one worked out. I am still seeing him three years later.


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## frigginlost

Faithful Wife said:


> To the first bolded....again, I will take your word that this happens a lot. I am sure there is no way I could see this behavior in other women for myself without being on the man's side of OLD.
> 
> To the second bolded...yes I am sure you have weeded out any imposters with that plan! It sounds rigid to me, but I don't doubt that it is a quite well developed plan for you, and there's nothing wrong with being rigid when you know what you want.
> 
> In your two months of texting, you don't ask about their previous relationships? I think in the other thread you said you don't ask that kind of questions until you know someone in person for a bit?


Hehehe... let me explain that text statement. It's not only texting, of course we speak on the phone. In regards to relationship questions, no I really don't. If she brings up relationship questions, sure I'll answer, but I don't dig for any info on hers. I'm of the belief that relationship questions "taint" the pool. I want to find out who she is (likes/dislikes) before getting into the heavy stuff. Usually likes and dislikes gives you an overall picture. You can dig a little deeper face to face.

I have a very good female friend who tried my "weeding out" steps with a guy she was interested in. They have been together 3 years now and are to be married in July. My ways don't always work, but they have done alright for me. You mention "rigid" and I will completely agree with that. But I would rather be rigid than be burned.

My marriage was 17 years long, the following relationship was 3 years long, and the one after that was just over a year. To me, 1 month or 2 month relationships make no sense. You really don't know someone until close to a year in my opinion so I go slow.


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## Faithful Wife

frigginlost said:


> To me, 1 month or 2 month relationships make no sense. You really don't know someone until close to a year in my opinion so I go slow.


Hmmm....for me and what I'm seeing around me, people don't deliberately enter a 1 or 2 month relationship. Usually this happens because at the 1 or 2 month mark, one or both of the people realize this isn't working very well for them.

I am with ya on the fact that we don't know someone fully by then, but if you DO know something that you are NOT ok with by then, then you stop seeing that person. Right? I mean, what else should people do? Again it typically isn't planned that way, in my experience or in those around me. Usually there was hopefulness that the relationship would last longer, but some red flag means you have to pull yourself out of it (or they saw a flag about you and pulled out). 

There are different dating goals too. Some people are in a position where they do not or can not enter a more committed, deeper relationship (kind of where I am right now), and others are in a position where they simply want casual sex or whatever, and others want kids/marriage. My job as a dater is to only date those who are in my same position or at least accept my position (ie: I can't date a man who is looking for marriage. I wouldn't want to halt his search for what he really wants, and I'm never going to be married again. Same with men who want kids or more kids).


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## MovingForward

I have posted on this before but my experience, opinion and view from witnessing and being involved short term. 

OLD for woman = being over run with messages and having your pic of almost any guy but.............. the guy you pick visually is the same guy who is picked by many other woman as he is very good looking and does a good job of self promotion and possibly just looking and succeeding in getting a lot of hook ups and that is all he wants. 

OLD for men - lot of game playing, you have to play the games also, lots of conversations that go nowhere, lots of woman just bored and want a free meal, if you are not tall, buff, have lots of exciting pics and really photogenic then it is time consuming.

Much better to meet people in real life, myself personally look terrible on pics but in real life have no issue meeting people. My GF wouldnt have swiped me online dating but thinks i am the best relationship she has ever had and apparently claims i am very handsome lol


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## Faithful Wife

sokillme said:


> It's funny how ironic your name is considering you are the one starting the thread.
> 
> I know you are not married now.


I know. We have had this talk before.

I suppose I could have my name changed.

I will take suggestions from TAM: *What should I change my user name to?* Be nice, please.


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## Faithful Wife

MovingForward said:


> *Much better to meet people in real life,* myself personally look terrible on pics but in real life have no issue meeting people. My GF wouldnt have swiped me online dating but thinks i am the best relationship she has ever had and apparently claims i am very handsome lol


I agree! How do we do this though? Should women do more approaching in real life? Have men not felt welcome to just approach women and strike up a convo and so they don't do it anymore? I honestly don't know why it doesn't happen more. When it does happen, it is much more fun. I wish men would be more bold with this, but maybe women need to do the approaching too?


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## MovingForward

Faithful Wife said:


> I agree! How do we do this though? Should women do more approaching in real life? Have men not felt welcome to just approach women and strike up a convo and so they don't do it anymore? I honestly don't know why it doesn't happen more. When it does happen, it is much more fun. I wish men would be more bold with this, but maybe women need to do the approaching too?


Because you cannot just approach woman in public without it being creepy most of the time, if a woman is available i guess she needs to try and let it known, I approached my GF but this was at a pool party and started just chatting and I asked if she was single which is similar to a bar but other locations such as schools, grocery stores or places in public are a little trickier. 

I do agree if you are interested in someone let it be known or 'help' them find out.


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## Faithful Wife

MovingForward said:


> Because you cannot just approach woman in public without it being creepy most of the time, if a woman is available i guess she needs to try and let it known, I approached my GF but this was at a pool party and started just chatting and I asked if she was single which is similar to a bar but other locations such as schools, grocery stores or places in public are a little trickier.
> 
> I do agree if you are interested in someone let it be known or 'help' them find out.


The last time this happened to me, it was so awesome!!! But it couldn't go anywhere. Dang it.

I was on vacay in Florida. A guy and I were checking each other out on the beach all day (he and his crew were in a cabana about 10 cabanas down from mine). Finally he walked down to my cabana and started chatting. He quickly asked what I was doing later, I was super happy, we exchanged numbers and then met up later (with all of our friends, too). Sadly, we were both on vacay and we don't live anywhere near each other...and a long distance thing just isn't going to work for either of us. We talked and hung out and made out that night anyway...and it was lovely!! But we both knew that was all there would be, and it was. We kissed goodbye on the morning he left town.

He and I still text each other now and then and say "gosh that was a wonderful night and it's a bummer that we don't live closer".

Sometimes unrequited love is so sweet.


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## frigginlost

Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmm....for me and what I'm seeing around me, people don't deliberately enter a 1 or 2 month relationship. Usually this happens because at the 1 or 2 month mark, one or both of the people realize this isn't working very well for them.
> 
> I am with ya on the fact that we don't know someone fully by then, but if you DO know something that you are NOT ok with by then, then you stop seeing that person. Right? I mean, what else should people do? Again it typically isn't planned that way, in my experience or in those around me. Usually there was hopefulness that the relationship would last longer, but some red flag means you have to pull yourself out of it (or they saw a flag about you and pulled out).
> 
> There are different dating goals too. Some people are in a position where they do not or can not enter a more committed, deeper relationship (kind of where I am right now), and others are in a position where they simply want casual sex or whatever, and others want kids/marriage. My job as a dater is to only date those who are in my same position or at least accept my position (ie: I can't date a man who is looking for marriage. I wouldn't want to halt his search for what he really wants, and I'm never going to be married again. Same with men who want kids or more kids).


Okay please don't take this the wrong way, but you mention that cannot enter a more committed relationship. My question to you would be, then why are you dating? Why are you on a dating site in the first place? Is it you can't be alone? Does your "job" as a dater fulfill something in you (ego)?

As mentioned by another poster, for males it is extremely tough to deal with the game playing done by females. It's shallow, it's frustrating, and it does nothing for the female but give her an appearance of "crazy" "shallow" or "slu**tty".

Are you up front with these dates that you are not looking for a more committed relationship or are you "just going with the flow"? If you're honest, then no harm/foul done. If you were giving these guys the impression that you were looking for something deep and committed, than sadly, you are one of the problems in regards to OLD.


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## NobodySpecial

frigginlost said:


> Okay please don't take this the wrong way, but you mention that cannot enter a more committed relationship. My question to you would be, then why are you dating? Why are you on a dating site in the first place? Is it you can't be alone? Does your "job" as a dater fulfill something in you (ego)?


I am not FW. But I can answer this for myself. I don't WANT dating to be solely about seeking a "more committed relationship". Not all relationships need to develop into that. And that is ok as long as both people like it.




> As mentioned by another poster, for males it is extremely tough to deal with the game playing done by females. It's shallow, it's frustrating, and it does nothing for the female but give her an appearance of "crazy" "shallow" or "slu**tty".



Not all males for sure. Many don't want committed relationship either and are more zen when it comes to just letting what is be.


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## frigginlost

NobodySpecial said:


> I am not FW. But I can answer this for myself. I don't WANT dating to be solely about seeking a "more committed relationship". Not all relationships need to develop into that. And that is ok as long as both people like it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not all males for sure. Many don't want committed relationship either and are more zen when it comes to just letting what is be.


I agree with that -- As long as it is known/okay with both people. The problem only happens when one of the two does not want it and the other does, which takes me back to my original point in the original thread. Two dead giveaways are time since the last relationship and the inclusion of a FWB situation with someone.


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## NobodySpecial

frigginlost said:


> I agree with that -- As long as it is known/okay with both people. The problem only happens when one of the two does not want it and the other does, which takes me back to my original point in the original thread. Two dead giveaways are time since the last relationship and the inclusion of a FWB situation with someone.


I don't see it. All that says is that person did not want a relationship with THAT other person.


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## Faithful Wife

frigginlost said:


> Okay please don't take this the wrong way, but you mention that cannot enter a more committed relationship. My question to you would be, then why are you dating? Why are you on a dating site in the first place? Is it you can't be alone? Does your "job" as a dater fulfill something in you (ego)?
> 
> As mentioned by another poster, for males it is extremely tough to deal with the game playing done by females. It's shallow, it's frustrating, and it does nothing for the female but give her an appearance of "crazy" "shallow" or "slu**tty".
> 
> Are you up front with these dates that you are not looking for a more committed relationship or are you "just going with the flow"? If you're honest, then no harm/foul done. If you were giving these guys the impression that you were looking for something deep and committed, than sadly, you are one of the problems in regards to OLD.


Yes I'm upfront, it is in my profile that I am looking for an exclusive lover and companion, and not kids or marriage. I say that being deeply in love isn't necessary, but it could happen. I say that mutual fondness, respect and attraction is a necessity.

I can't enter a deeper relationship because my mother lives with me, and will likely do so until her death, which could be a long time from now. I will not be able to live with anyone other than her for my foreseeable future. I also don't want to live with anyone. I love having my own space. If one day when she dies I feel differently and feel I can be more committed and live with someone, I will remain open to it. For now, I can't even have a man spend the night with me because it wouldn't be appropriate since my mother is there.

I can't imagine trying to act like I wanted a committed relationship? Why would I? What would I gain out of being dishonest? There are plenty of men who also can't make a deeper commitment right now. The one year relationship I had, that guy's mother also lived with him and he had 2 teenaged kids at home. He also could not commit to living together or marriage at this time in his life, so our mutual reasons for not being more committed worked well with each other, and despite this we fell very deeply for each other and had a really great time. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone who really truly understands what it means to your life to have regular trips to the ER with your parent and near death experiences and all the stress and sadness that comes with that.

I don't really understand the question about why am I on a dating site. I want to date as a means to find someone to be exclusive with and have mutual goals with (ie: companionship, friendship, support, and sex). I'm not sure where you keep getting all the ego talk. I like men and want one who also wants what I can give and doesn't need more. I find the mutual thing pretty easily. Why would that make me "not able to be alone" or just getting ego kibbles? These are honest questions...I don't understand your stance on this.

I'm in a good place right now with the guy I am seeing. So I'm off all the sites and just focused on him.


----------



## frigginlost

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't see it. All that says is that person did not want a relationship with THAT other person.


You're not following.

Both examples contain baggage. Both examples give a real big clue on where a persons head is at. If two committed individuals were in a committed and deep relationship, that baggage is going to take a while to off-load. 

If a woman was in an FWB relationship recently she invested for some reason. What was it? She didn't want to be alone? She wanted male companionship (ie sex) with out the work of a relationship? She was "lost" trying to find herself?

In both instances, there are major red flags to a man who is looking for a committed partner.

This isn't rocket science...


----------



## frigginlost

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't really understand the question about why am I on a dating site. I want to date as a means to find someone to be exclusive with and have mutual goals with (ie: companionship, friendship, support, and sex). I'm not sure where you keep getting all the ego talk. I like men and want one who also wants what I can give and doesn't need more. I find the mutual thing pretty easily. Why would that make me "not able to be alone" or just getting ego kibbles? These are honest questions...I don't understand your stance on this.
> 
> I'm in a good place right now with the guy I am seeing. So I'm off all the sites and just focused on him.


Don't look now, but you're in a committed relationship. 

Nothing you stated about your mutual goal with a man point to anything other. You're honest with him about where you stand so all is good.

My statement about why you were on a dating site was not meant to be taken as you still were. It was meant to be taken that if you were not looking for a committed relationship, were you dating for "sport".


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

High count women or those that have partook in a FWB scenario are just huge turn-offs to me.


----------



## Faithful Wife

frigginlost said:


> Don't look now, but you're in a committed relationship.
> 
> Nothing you stated about your mutual goal with a man point to anything other. You're honest with him about where you stand so all is good.
> 
> My statement about why you were on a dating site was not meant to be taken as you still were. It was meant to be taken that if you were not looking for a committed relationship, were you dating for "sport".


I guess I use the word exclusive where you are using the word committed.

To me, having a deeper commitment would mean that I would be seeking to be deeply in love and would give much more of myself (which I simply cannot give at this time).

To me, being exclusive means I want to be with only this person - - I like them, we enjoy each other, we are on the same page, we want/need the same things.

So I feel I am in an exclusive relationship but I would not call it a committed relationship. We may be meaning the same thing, just a different word, but the 2 words are not the same to me.

. . . . . . . .

Can I ask...what would be the motivation for a dater to pretend to be looking for a deeper commitment when they really aren't? Anyone can answer this one. I just have only dealt with people who are honest about what they are looking for so I don't get it.


----------



## Ynot

Wow! My OLD experience has generally been great. Yes, I have met some people who were less than honest about who or what they said they were. For instance the woman who claimed she was "fit and athletic". She would have looked really good on the beach - as a beach ball. But all in all I have had good experiences, even when I meet someone who hasn't been totally honest, I learn something about myself.
As for looking for a LTR, I think most people would like to have an LTR, but every LTR has to start somewhere. So I tend to NOT look for someone seeking a LTR. Because to me, that just screams desperation. I am not in HS anymore and neither are any of the women I consider. If an LTR happens, it happens. To go seeking it, just places way too much pressure on the other person.
I also like to meet them sooner rather than later. And if there is a spark there, I like to get intimate sooner rather than later as well. When I do meet them, we can and will talk about anything and everything. That includes our pasts, presents and futures. And it includes past relationships and sex. When I meet someone who starts shutting down conversations, I look at that as a red flag. If an adult cannot talk about their sexuality then they have some issues that I am not interested in.
I go into every date with no expectations and a completely open mind. I decide whether I want to go forward with this person on the basis of the conversation we have. If they agree, then we move on to date #2 and so on down the line. I look at myself as a someone any one would desire to be around. But if they don't, I am not offended. Instead I simply realize I have found someone with whom I am not compatible and move on. No harm, no foul.
While I prefer organically meeting people, the reality is that OLD opens up a whole new world of opportunity. You can meet people from all over. People you would otherwise never get the opportunity to meet IRL.
Finally, I get a charge out of men who imagine OLD is tougher for them than for women. The reality is that you can reach out more or less anonymously thru OLD. So men tend to cast more lines out than they would in IRL. They tend to internalize non-responses as rejections. They may in fact be rejections. But however many rejections you get, the ratio is probably less than it is IRL, it is just that more lines were cast so it seems there is more rejection.
In short, I have had a blast on OLD.


----------



## Ynot

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> High count women or those that have partook in a FWB scenario are just huge turn-offs to me.


Good to know. Less competition for women with experience. I don't want the Madonnas so you can have them instead.


----------



## Bananapeel

Faithful Wife said:


> I agree! How do we do this though? Should women do more approaching in real life? Have men not felt welcome to just approach women and strike up a convo and so they don't do it anymore? I honestly don't know why it doesn't happen more. When it does happen, it is much more fun. I wish men would be more bold with this, but maybe women need to do the approaching too?


I approach women IRL all the time and it doesn't matter what they look like or their age; I'm just friendly and have no problems chatting with strangers. Occasionally some women are very interested in me right away but many times they are just being polite/friendly with no indicators of interest so I keep conversations short with them and move on with my day. It's a good skill set to develop and I do it often just to teach my kids how it's done and how to determine whether a woman is interested in you. 

I do some OLD too and have had success. It's just like anything else where you have to weed through people and discard those that you aren't interested in. The women usually tell me they are surprised that someone like me is available for OLD since most of the guys they encounter are losers. I've run into women that don't look like their picture and I feel no obligation to keep the date. I also don't mess around and ask a woman very quickly to meet up IRL because I'm too busy to play games with texting back and forth. I've gone on dates with women that are incredibly hot and others that are below my standards. I've gone out with women that are a great self image and others that are clingy and difficult to be around.


----------



## frigginlost

Faithful Wife said:


> Can I ask...what would be the motivation for a dater to pretend to be looking for a deeper commitment when they really aren't? Anyone can answer this one. I just have only dealt with people who are honest about what they are looking for so I don't get it.


Attention.


----------



## Faithful Wife

frigginlost said:


> Attention.


Um well....ok but, it is a lot of effort to "pretend" to be falling for someone, go on lots of dates and then "pretend" to proceed into a deeper relationship.

See these days, people can just be honest in their profiles. If they are simply DTF and that's the only reason they are there, they say so, both men and women. There's really no need to dupe someone, there are plenty who want attention and are DTF and that's their end game.

I'm not doubting you, because you've seen it in person, I assume. I just haven't seen it and can't imagine what it would look like, when if someone is truly seeking only attention, there are lots of ways to do that without so much effort as to have to pretend to want to be into a relationship with someone.


----------



## frigginlost

Faithful Wife said:


> Um well....ok but, it is a lot of effort to "pretend" to be falling for someone, go on lots of dates and then "pretend" to proceed into a deeper relationship.
> 
> See these days, people can just be honest in their profiles. If they are simply DTF and that's the only reason they are there, they say so, both men and women. There's really no need to dupe someone, there are plenty who want attention and are DTF and that's their end game.
> 
> I'm not doubting you, because you've seen it in person, I assume. I just haven't seen it and can't imagine what it would look like, when if someone is truly seeking only attention, there are lots of ways to do that without so much effort as to have to pretend to want to be into a relationship with someone.


I don't take it that you are doubting me at all. My experiences differ a ton from others, as I'm sure most do.

I came out of a very long marriage and was thrust into this OLD thing and it was like something out of a horror movie, lol. I am not the only one who has had issue with dishonesty, so maybe it's just the area I live in.

It's kind of hard to answer your question on why a person would do that. If I knew that answer, I would bottle it and sell it. Not everyone is as honest as you, and not everyone comes from a solid relationship background. A lot of times folks are still carrying a ton of baggage from being hurt, or not knowing what they want, etc, so they become addicted to the "surface fun" of the chase and game playing.


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## Ynot

I came out of 24 year marriage. It was like walking out of the time capsule into a new era. Yep, all of the rules have changed, people are different and all those other "horror" movie scenes you imagine. But guess what, you learn to live in the world as it is today and not in the one you knew as a kid. First off because you aren't a kid anymore and second off because neither is anyone else.


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## ReformedHubby

I don't mind OLD, but...for me it has some drawbacks. For starters it makes me feel somewhat shallow, and I never really thought of myself that way before. This will sound awful but with a woman's pics up there, as a guy, if she is hot, being honest....I don't really care what her profile says, I am swiping right. This is how I found out that apparently female Trump supporters in my area are really really into black guys :rofl:. Which is something I did not expect at all. The only other drawback to it is its kind of tough to gage chemistry via OLD, but if I meet someone in person, I kind of already know its there. I have had OLD dates where the conversation is great, but...there just isn't a spark, and I don't do second dates if there is no initial spark. The woman I am currently seeing is actually really cool, I met her via OLD, so far so good although I get the feeling I am a bit vanilla for her at times. 

The only other reason I don't favor OLD over the old fashioned way is because I think a lot of men's messages just don't even get opened or read. So there is a good chance that the woman with the profile you really like will never even see your message. Women on OLD sites get absolutely bombarded, and who has the time to sit there and respond to everyone? Especially when people are so damn sensitive if you say thanks, but no thanks. I wouldn't respond either, better to say nothing if not interested. Honestly speaking as a man, I feel like you shouldn't bother messaging a woman if you look at her pic and know you wouldn't approach her in real life. IMO OLD has actually given men that are ok with approaching women a huge advantage, because its becoming less common...that...and actually calling instead of texting!!!!


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## Ynot

I dunno, I go back and forth on OLD. At times it does make me feel shallow. But I realize that I have little opportunity to meet women otherwise. I have my own business and I work from home, so the work front leaves little opportunity. OTOH, while looking thru the thousands of profiles I have come to realize that there are a LOT of people in the same boat as I am in. These are women (and men) who are just out there looking - thousands of them locally. Go to a bar, a grocery store, a restaurant, the gym, a gas station and they are all over. In some ways it has made by life make more sense. When I first got divorced I thought "only losers get divorced", now I realize there may be more of us than there are happily married couples out there.


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## 269370

I believe some people are only able to truly love once in their life time. I am like this and I think (hope) my wife is like this.

If this fails for whatever reason, people often don’t look for a ‘deep’ relationship after this, either because they never really get over this one love or it’s a self preservation thing. Both completely understandable.

As you correctly noticed, the problem only arises if one person is looking for that deeper commitment while the other does not or cannot. I don’t think it’s done ‘maliciously’ or intentionally (as you imply), it’s just what happens when you give yourself fully to someone and it doesn’t work out. It’s easy to guard against it (as a prospective partner). And knowing history might be one of the ways.
The other way: make sure you are never again the first one to fall in love 




frigginlost said:


> You're not following.
> 
> 
> 
> Both examples contain baggage. Both examples give a real big clue on where a persons head is at. If two committed individuals were in a committed and deep relationship, that baggage is going to take a while to off-load.
> 
> 
> 
> If a woman was in an FWB relationship recently she invested for some reason. What was it? She didn't want to be alone? She wanted male companionship (ie sex) with out the work of a relationship? She was "lost" trying to find herself?
> 
> 
> 
> In both instances, there are major red flags to a man who is looking for a committed partner.
> 
> 
> 
> This isn't rocket science...







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't mind OLD, but...for me it has some drawbacks. For starters it makes me feel somewhat shallow, and I never really thought of myself that way before. This will sound awful but with a woman's pics up there, as a guy, if she is hot, being honest....I don't really care what her profile says, I am swiping right. This is how I found out that apparently female Trump supporters in my area are really really into black guys :rofl:. Which is something I did not expect at all. The only other drawback to it is its kind of tough to gage chemistry via OLD, but if I meet someone in person, I kind of already know its there. I have had OLD dates where the conversation is great, but...there just isn't a spark, and I don't do second dates if there is no initial spark. The woman I am currently seeing is actually really cool, I met her via OLD, so far so good although I get the feeling I am a bit vanilla for her at times.
> 
> The only other reason I don't favor OLD over the old fashioned way is because I think a lot of men's messages just don't even get opened or read. So there is a good chance that the woman with the profile you really like will never even see your message. Women on OLD sites get absolutely bombarded, and who has the time to sit there and respond to everyone? Especially when people are so damn sensitive if you say thanks, but no thanks. I wouldn't respond either, better to say nothing if not interested. Honestly speaking as a man, I feel like you shouldn't bother messaging a woman if you look at her pic and know you wouldn't approach her in real life. IMO OLD has actually given men that are ok with approaching women a huge advantage, because its becoming less common...that...and actually calling instead of texting!!!!


The Trump question...

I have made sure to include in my profile that we aren't going to be a match if they are a Trump supporter. I've had to do this because otherwise you just don't know, sometimes until things are rolling along quite well otherwise. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me, so I have learned to just say it upfront. I see a lot of others in my area with the same thing in their profiles, which I love because then we know before we even talk that at least we don't even have to worry about that one.

I also don't do a second date if there is no spark, unless there feels like the possibility that one could develop. I have had that feeling a few times. Usually the spark does not develop, but sometimes it does.

I liked bumble a lot because the woman has to message the man first, even if you both like each other, so that way there are no worries about responding or not responding to the rando messages. And if you are going to message a guy, he has to have "liked" you first, so in theory you aren't wasting his time either.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Ynot said:


> I dunno, I go back and forth on OLD. At times it does make me feel shallow. But I realize that I have little opportunity to meet women otherwise. I have my own business and I work from home, so the work front leaves little opportunity. OTOH, while looking thru the thousands of profiles I have come to realize that there are a LOT of people in the same boat as I am in. These are women (and men) who are just out there looking - thousands of them locally. Go to a bar, a grocery store, a restaurant, the gym, a gas station and they are all over. In some ways it has made by life make more sense. When I first got divorced I thought "only losers get divorced", now I realize there may be more of us than there are happily married couples out there.


Once in awhile I see someone out in public whose profile I have seen before. It always feels a little weird. Not even sure why. I'm sure some people who have seen my profile have noticed me while out and about, too. Once in awhile I catch someone looking at me and I feel sure that's what they are doing .... "is that that girl I saw online?" There's just a certain curious look you make when you are trying to place something that you encounter out of place.


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## Bananapeel

Faithful Wife said:


> The Trump question...
> 
> I have made sure to include in my profile that we aren't going to be a match if they are a Trump supporter. I've had to do this because otherwise you just don't know, sometimes until things are rolling along quite well otherwise. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me, so I have learned to just say it upfront. I see a lot of others in my area with the same thing in their profiles, which I love because then we know before we even talk that at least we don't even have to worry about that one.
> 
> I also don't do a second date if there is no spark, unless there feels like the possibility that one could develop. I have had that feeling a few times. Usually the spark does not develop, but sometimes it does.
> 
> I liked bumble a lot because the woman has to message the man first, even if you both like each other, so that way there are no worries about responding or not responding to the rando messages. And if you are going to message a guy, he has to have "liked" you first, so in theory you aren't wasting his time either.


I'm not sure why political points of view are a deal breaker. My parents used to always joke that their votes cancelled each other out and they've been married for nearly 50 years (only marriage too). The ability to discuss things in a respectful manner far outweighs political viewpoint IMO. I actually stay away from anyone that references strict political point of view, regardless of what they are, because it shows they are intolerant. 

I was in bed recently with a woman I met IRL and at almost midnight she decides she wants to start debating gun control laws with me. :scratchhead: I went to sleep instead.


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## Steve1000

Faithful Wife said:


> Tell us the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful experiences you've had.


I have no problem admitting that I had absolutely no success in Online dating. I tried POF and Match, but never received replies to my messages. I spent a total of about six months trying to figure out why I was so unpopular online. I'm thankful that I previously had decent success with being in relationships. If I wouldn't have had that previous success, then my self-confidence would have taken a beating. However, I'd be lying if I said that it was not affected at all by this experience.


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## Faithful Wife

Bananapeel said:


> I'm not sure why political points of view are a deal breaker. My parents used to always joke that their votes cancelled each other out and they've been married for nearly 50 years (only marriage too). The ability to discuss things in a respectful manner far outweighs political viewpoint IMO. I actually stay away from anyone that references strict political point of view, regardless of what they are, because it shows they are intolerant.
> 
> I was in bed recently with a woman I met IRL and at almost midnight she decides she wants to start debating gun control laws with me. :scratchhead: I went to sleep instead.


Yes but...to each their own. To me, this issue is a deal breaker. To someone else it may not be, but unless that someone else wasn't a Trump supporter I would not agree to a date with them. 

Others have deal breakers that I don't see a need for, but everyone gets to pick their own, not each other's.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Steve1000 said:


> I have no problem admitting that I had absolutely no success in Online dating. I tried POF and Match, but never received replies to my messages. I spent a total of about six months trying to figure out why I was so unpopular online. I'm thankful that I previously had decent success with being in relationships. If I wouldn't have had that previous success, then my self-confidence would have taken a beating. However, I'd be lying if I said that it was not affected at all by this experience.


Have you had luck in person? Do you live in a rural area?


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## Faithful Wife

frigginlost said:


> It's kind of hard to answer your question on why a person would do that. If I knew that answer, I would bottle it and sell it. Not everyone is as honest as you, and not everyone comes from a solid relationship background. A lot of times folks are still carrying a ton of baggage from being hurt, or not knowing what they want, etc, so they become addicted to the "surface fun" of the chase and game playing.


I think what I have seen or gathered, is that most men don't have to lie about what they want or don't want. It used to be that in order to have sex with a woman, she most likely had to at least believe that you wanted a relationship with her, so men would lie and pursue women saying they wanted love or professing their love, but in actuality they just wanted the sex. These days, men who just want sex can say so right there on their profile, and women who also want that (there are plenty) can find them and they can do their thing and not bother those who actually want a relationship.

Also the men and women who truly want marriage can just say so, no pressure, no fears. It used to be that you didn't necessarily claim you were looking for marriage as your end goal, say on a first date, because you ran the risk of scaring off your date because they think you meant marriage to THEM specifically. I like that people who want the same thing can narrow down the field a little this way.

I suppose there are always those who don't actually know what they want and may say one thing but want another. However I have seen a lot of profiles be honest about that, too. "Not really sure what I'm looking for, here to find out" or similar.


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## Elizabeth001

The most annoying thing about OLD for me is getting a first contact message that says “hey beautiful”  What kind of response do they think they will get, if any? Grrrrr


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ynot

Elizabeth001 said:


> The most annoying thing about OLD for me is getting a first contact message that says “hey beautiful”  What kind of response do they think they will get, if any? Grrrrr
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Hey Beautiful!


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## Ynot

Faithful Wife said:


> Once in awhile I see someone out in public whose profile I have seen before. It always feels a little weird. Not even sure why. I'm sure some people who have seen my profile have noticed me while out and about, too. Once in awhile I catch someone looking at me and I feel sure that's what they are doing .... "is that that girl I saw online?" There's just a certain curious look you make when you are trying to place something that you encounter out of place.


My "Aha!" moments typically come later. I might see a woman out some place and think "wow, she is really attractive to me". But life would not allow an encounter or approach. Then a few weeks later I might be perusing profiles and see a pic and think "that's where I know her from!". I have reached out before, but then I usually think, that that is kind of creepy.


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## Rowan

Elizabeth001 said:


> The most annoying thing about OLD for me is getting a first contact message that says “hey beautiful”  What kind of response do they think they will get, if any? Grrrrr


My personal fave was "Hey, Sexy Mama!" It just so happened to be accompanied by a _very _close-up photograph depicting exactly how, umm....sexy...he apparently thought I was and how...excited...he apparently was to be messaging me. 

I was checking my messages at my desk at the office and when a "new message" notice came through, so I clicked on it. The entire thing opened, photo and all, filling the very large monitor screen. I damn near killed myself trying to delete it and/or close the window before anyone else saw it.


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## arbitrator

*I met a gal the same age as I am from the Austin area on eHarmony around Christmas time, went on one fantastic date, had a great deal in common, and communicated with each other everyday; but I think that I've probably been "ghosted" by her because she's not exactly enamored with a long-distance relationship of some 90 miles! 

I'm really thinking that she may have found someone just a tad more localized!

Oh, well!
*


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## Elizabeth001

Rowan said:


> My personal fave was "Hey, Sexy Mama!" It just so happened to be accompanied by a _very _close-up photograph depicting exactly how, umm....sexy...he apparently thought I was and how...excited...he apparently was to be messaging me.
> 
> 
> 
> I was checking my messages at my desk at the office and when a "new message" notice came through, so I clicked on it. The entire thing opened, photo and all, filling the very large monitor screen. I damn near killed myself trying to delete it and/or close the window before anyone else saw it.




Hahaa. I haven’t received a duck pic yet...I must be doing something wrong 

I did get a message from “Butchie696969” today. He’s 54 so that rules out the thought that maybe he’s just really happy about his birth year 

ETA: his message was SO much more thoughtful...”What’s up pretty lady” 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Elizabeth001 said:


> The most annoying thing about OLD for me is getting a first contact message that says “hey beautiful”  What kind of response do they think they will get, if any? Grrrrr
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's why I always went with the less conventional 'hello cute face though slightly overweight'. My response rate was much higher!


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## kekkek

Bananapeel said:


> I'm not sure why political points of view are a deal breaker. My parents used to always joke that their votes cancelled each other out and they've been married for nearly 50 years (only marriage too). The ability to discuss things in a respectful manner far outweighs political viewpoint IMO. I actually stay away from anyone that references strict political point of view, regardless of what they are, because it shows they are intolerant.
> 
> I was in bed recently with a woman I met IRL and at almost midnight she decides she wants to start debating gun control laws with me. :scratchhead: I went to sleep instead.


I don't think the earlier post referenced political views. It said that being a Trump supporter was a dealbreaker. That is different than being a Republican or Democrat. Trump is an avowed racist, as was proved in Charlottesville, and a disgraceful excuse for a human being, as he proves every day with his childish and insulting tweets. Let's not even get into his potential criminal and treasonous behavior. So not tolerating that is pretty understandable. For example, you might support a view on immigration or gun control that aligns with Trump. That is ok, but to be a supporter of Trump, as a person, now, after he has revealed who he really is, is not ok.


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## Faithful Wife

kekkek said:


> I don't think the earlier post referenced political views. It said that being a Trump supporter was a dealbreaker. That is different than being a Republican or Democrat. Trump is an avowed racist, as was proved in Charlottesville, and a disgraceful excuse for a human being, as he proves every day with his childish and insulting tweets. Let's not even get into his potential criminal and treasonous behavior. So not tolerating that is pretty understandable. For example, you might support a view on immigration or gun control that aligns with Trump. That is ok, but to be a supporter of Trump, as a person, now, after he has revealed who he really is, is not ok.


Asking the Trump question is pretty easy in my dating pool, thankfully. 

Though I made the mistake once of texting with a guy too hopefully and thinking we seemed an ok match before confirming his Trump status. We were lining up a date and it suddenly hit me, oh no! I haven't asked the question! So I said I had a deal breaker question I needed to ask before we meet. He said lay it on me, and I said "your thoughts on Trump?"

He said "what about him?" I said "pro or con?" He said "I try to stay out of politics".

I knew immediately what that meant. If you are opposed to Trump you just say that you are. 

Said I was sorry but that I knew our values wouldn't align. He was bummed. I couldn't figure that part out. I mean, I wouldn't be good company or conversation for a person who doesn't share my values. Why would anyone still want to try with someone they know there will be built in conflict with?


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## Faithful Wife

Ynot said:


> My "Aha!" moments typically come later. I might see a woman out some place and think "wow, she is really attractive to me". But life would not allow an encounter or approach. Then a few weeks later I might be perusing profiles and see a pic and think "that's where I know her from!". I have reached out before, but then I usually think, that that is kind of creepy.


Right! I don't know know why it feels creepy to say in a message "hey I think I saw you in the store the other day" but it just does.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Elizabeth001 said:


> Hahaa. I haven’t received a duck pic yet...I must be doing something wrong
> 
> I did get a message from “Butchie696969” today. He’s 54 so that rules out the thought that maybe he’s just really happy about his birth year
> 
> ETA: his message was SO much more thoughtful...”What’s up pretty lady”
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sometimes I didn't mind a message that simple. I didn't like "sexy lady" or things that forward, but I was ok with a simple hello with a typical compliment. If I like their pics and profile I would respond. 

I kind of didn't like long drawn out first messages. It was too much effort on their part and then I would feel obligated to respond which I didn't like.

I responded to a lot of the shorter ones though, just out of courtesy. Most said they appreciated that. I ignored the weird ones, but polite ones I usually at least responded cheerfully that I don't think we are a match but thanks for saying hello. Most guys were cool and sweet about it.

Short sweet messages upfront can turn into longer, better conversations quickly with some of them and that is fun, and hopefully turns into a date.


----------



## arbitrator

*Not meaning to threadjack, but I have a related question! 

When messaging on these dating websites, if there seems to be a mutual first-appearance buildup between two people, is it acceptable to divulge a whole lot about yourself(nothing about exes or anything negative)or only sketchy information.

I tend not to contact or write first and I never send out those "flirts, "hi's" or "winks," as I find those to be somewhat come-onish, abrasive and annoying! And I never send those out!

And I will never approach a woman with some come-on line, like "Hello, Beautiful" or "Hi, Sexy Lady!"

How do you recipients feel about this? What works for you?*


----------



## Andy1001

arbitrator said:


> *I met a gal the same age as I am from the Austin area on eHarmony around Christmas time, went on one fantastic date, had a great deal in common, and communicated with each other everyday; but I think that I've probably been "ghosted" by her because she's not exactly enamored with a long-distance relationship of some 90 miles!
> 
> I'm really thinking that she may have found someone just a tad more localized!
> 
> Oh, well!
> *


Sorry to hear that Arb.I thought this was going to work out for you.


----------



## arbitrator

Andy1001 said:


> *Sorry to hear that Arb. I thought this was going to work out for you.*


*I did, too Andy! But the lack of seeing each other, our mutually-busy schedules, and my somewhat-chronic car problems sure didn't seem to help with things.

Things started out great between us but kind of withered on the vine! In any event, I wish her all the best in the world! I know that she'll find what she's looking for!

And I do thank you so very much for asking! *


----------



## ReformedHubby

As far as the dating app I like the best I favor Bumble, with Tinder a close second. I think people who view Tinder as sleazy and purely hook up oriented probably haven't used it, only read or heard about it. Besides, if the chemistry is there you'll be hooking up fairly quickly regardless of which OLD app you met in. But...back to Bumble...it has a reputation for giving more power back to women, I'm not sure thats the case, but I think its the best OLD app for men too. I got much better feedback on Bumble than Match. On Match the majority of messages you send don't even get opened. If you live in a major metropolitan area and the women in that profile pic is at least a 7. Don't be surprised if she gets a few hundred messages a week. I was floored when I saw my ex-girlfriends inbox, had I not met her in person zero chance she ever would have opened a message from me, not because I wasn't her type, its just overwhelming. If you're looking for more responses on Match you have to lower your expectations on who you are messaging.

I know it sounds like I am harping on looks, but....IMO dating is not the place to be politically correct. If you like em tall, fat, short, dark, older, younger etc. Its perfectly ok to discriminate. Ultimately its up to you what you find attractive. Trying to go against that for the sake of being nice, or giving someone a chance is a waste of time for you and for them too.


----------



## bkyln309

Faithful Wife said:


> Asking the Trump question is pretty easy in my dating pool, thankfully.
> 
> Though I made the mistake once of texting with a guy too hopefully and thinking we seemed an ok match before confirming his Trump status. We were lining up a date and it suddenly hit me, oh no! I haven't asked the question! So I said I had a deal breaker question I needed to ask before we meet. He said lay it on me, and I said "your thoughts on Trump?"
> 
> He said "what about him?" I said "pro or con?" He said "I try to stay out of politics".
> 
> I knew immediately what that meant. If you are opposed to Trump you just say that you are.
> 
> Said I was sorry but that I knew our values wouldn't align. He was bummed. I couldn't figure that part out. I mean, I wouldn't be good company or conversation for a person who doesn't share my values. Why would anyone still want to try with someone they know there will be built in conflict with?


I come from a very politically diverse family so we all are mature enough to have different views (my mom worked in the White House for years so I saw all different Presidents and parties and disdain most politicians). Since I am neither an R or a D, so I tend to be more open minded. But what I am learning in this election cycle is the Democratic supporters are the most narrow, close minded and mean spirited. While I didnt start off a Trump supporter, I am smart enough to see the economy is improving so since "its about the economy stupid", he is gaining more approval from me. But the pendulum always swings back and people are far more important than politics. So I would never judge a date on his political leanings as long as his character was moral and upright. Intelligent people realize politics is a shady and shallow business. No since in putting your life on hold for politicians who will sell their soul just to hold political office. I want a person who can think for themselves not follow the talking points of any political party.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

ReformedHubby said:


> As far as the dating app I like the best I favor Bumble, with Tinder a close second. I think people who view Tinder as sleazy and purely hook up oriented probably haven't used it, only read or heard about it. Besides, if the chemistry is there you'll be hooking up fairly quickly regardless of which OLD app you met in. But...back to Bumble...it has a reputation for giving more power back to women, I'm not sure thats the case, but I think its the best OLD app for men too. I got much better feedback on Bumble than Match. On Match the majority of messages you send don't even get opened. If you live in a major metropolitan area and the women in that profile pic is at least a 7. Don't be surprised if she gets a few hundred messages a week. I was floored when I saw my ex-girlfriends inbox, had I not met her in person zero chance she ever would have opened a message from me, not because I wasn't her type, its just overwhelming. If you're looking for more responses on Match you have to lower your expectations on who you are messaging.
> 
> I know it sounds like I am harping on looks, but....IMO dating is not the place to be politically correct. If you like em tall, fat, short, dark, older, younger etc. Its perfectly ok to discriminate. Ultimately its up to you what you find attractive. Trying to go against that for the sake of being nice, or giving someone a chance is a waste of time for you and for them too.


The college aged kids that I play basketball with recommended Bumble as well. They told me what they use it for (going through the alphabet and lots boxes of things you buy in the family planning aisle) but said it would work for me too, someone that is not looking for just a hookup but something classy as well.


----------



## Steve1000

Faithful Wife said:


> Have you had luck in person? Do you live in a rural area?


Yes, in person I've had my fair share of luck, especially overseas in Germany, the UK, and in east Asia. After being a college basketball player and then a semi-pro volleyball player, I have always kept myself fit. I make my colleagues laugh a lot, but for some reason, I was a little bit shy and too gentlemen-like "polite" around women that I didn't know yet. Looking back to my online experience, including astrophysics and foreign languages among my interests probably repelled a few potential dates.  

In the US, I live in a city with a metro population of about 1 million and for about half the year including now, I live in a city with 25 million on the other side of the world. I'm currently married, so not on the market.


----------



## Faithful Wife

arbitrator said:


> *Not meaning to threadjack, but I have a related question!
> 
> When messaging on these dating websites, if there seems to be a mutual first-appearance buildup between two people, is it acceptable to divulge a whole lot about yourself(nothing about exes or anything negative)or only sketchy information.
> 
> I tend not to contact or write first and I never send out those "flirts, "hi's" or "winks," as I find those to be somewhat come-onish, abrasive and annoying! And I never send those out!
> 
> And I will never approach a woman with some come-on line, like "Hello, Beautiful" or "Hi, Sexy Lady!"
> 
> How do you recipients feel about this? What works for you?*



Are you saying you never reach out first? It's definitely ok to send a sweet short message to indicate interest!

Sometimes those conversations go a little deeper and you can exchange some information about each other to see if there's enough mutual interest to meet for a date. I tend to get off the app and start texting each other instead if there is some mutual interest there. Then arrange a date.


----------



## Faithful Wife

bkyln309 said:


> I come from a very politically diverse family so we all are mature enough to have different views (my mom worked in the White House for years so I saw all different Presidents and parties and disdain most politicians). Since I am neither an R or a D, so I tend to be more open minded. But what I am learning in this election cycle is the Democratic supporters are the most narrow, close minded and mean spirited. While I didnt start off a Trump supporter, I am smart enough to see the economy is improving so since "its about the economy stupid", he is gaining more approval from me. But the pendulum always swings back and people are far more important than politics. So I would never judge a date on his political leanings as long as his character was moral and upright. Intelligent people realize politics is a shady and shallow business. No since in putting your life on hold for politicians who will sell their soul just to hold political office. I want a person who can think for themselves not follow the talking points of any political party.


I just want to be with someone whose values align with mine. A Trump supporter isn't going to be in that category. It's a very simple line for me.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Faithful Wife said:


> I just want to be with someone whose values align with mine. A Trump supporter isn't going to be in that category. It's a very simple line for me.


I'm going to split hairs here 

When you say Trump supporter, that you will not associate with;

- Do you mean someone that voted for him and sees through tunnel vision what his policies and promises where from a pure political or economic standpoint or

- The people that fall in line with his rhetoric and overtones?

Some may not see the difference but I think there's a big one. To be honest, I'm a Republican, or at least what the GOP used to stand for, so I couldn't vote for either buffoon last election.


----------



## Faithful Wife

stillfightingforus said:


> I'm going to split hairs here
> 
> When you say Trump supporter, that you will not associate with;
> 
> - Do you mean someone that voted for him and sees through tunnel vision what his policies and promises where from a pure political or economic standpoint or
> 
> - The people that fall in line with his rhetoric and overtones?
> 
> Some may not see the difference but I think there's a big one. To be honest, I'm a Republican, or at least what the GOP used to stand for, so I couldn't vote for either buffoon last election.


I couldn't be with either of the two types you mentioned. 

I could be with a republican as long as they didn't want to talk about politics a lot and if they weren't too conservative, but that isn't usually what I find. It's usually total libs or total Trumpsters that I encounter, so the choice is easy.

I do not think a Trumpster would want to be with me either, so it's a nice protection on both sides - - protection from wasting each other's time.

I dated one guy who was very interested in politics, talked and watched and read about it constantly. He was mostly liberal leaning but on some things was not. He was fascinated by Trump's antics but not a supporter, but also not really a basher just fascinated by how things are shaking out. I was ok with him because I just asked that we not discuss politics (not a topic I engage in much) and I respected him and his interest in politics. He respected my lack of interest in it. We did have the same values in general and that was what was important to me. Still, the constant CNN habit was sort of annoying to me.

I'm much better with people who are more like me in the political realm though, it's not an area of my life that I want to expand. I have my leanings, I vote, I am not a Trump fan, and for me the rest is not really something I discuss with other people. So I tend to match better with others who are low key about it, too. Around here this has been easy to find. I follow and watch what interests me, and there is a small amount of current events in that. I have deep seated opinions but rarely share them with anyone.


----------



## Bananapeel

arbitrator said:


> *Not meaning to threadjack, but I have a related question!
> 
> When messaging on these dating websites, if there seems to be a mutual first-appearance buildup between two people, is it acceptable to divulge a whole lot about yourself(nothing about exes or anything negative)or only sketchy information.
> 
> I tend not to contact or write first and I never send out those "flirts, "hi's" or "winks," as I find those to be somewhat come-onish, abrasive and annoying! And I never send those out!
> 
> And I will never approach a woman with some come-on line, like "Hello, Beautiful" or "Hi, Sexy Lady!"
> 
> How do you recipients feel about this? What works for you?*


Hey Arb - here's the way I handle these things as a man. I basically keep the conversations short and only for the purpose of scheduling a date; I figure a date is the time to ask questions and get to know the person. My thought is that if a woman is attracted to me and wants to meet me she'll make it easy, so I'll just ask after 4-6 messages whether she wants to go on a date then schedule day/time/location. If she declines the date offer (either doesn't respond to the question or says she doesn't know me well enough) then I know she wasn't really into me and I saved myself the hassle and time of communicating with her. Oh, and my standard opener is just "hi" then I leave it to her to show interest. 

Going back to the original topic, the reason I do this is after I got divorced I tried OLD and one of the first women I met was witty and fun to chat with online and we had some great conversations back and forth before meeting. However, in person she was a total let down. It turns out she and her friend together were typing their responses to me and without her friend to help her she just couldn't keep up with a witty and fun conversation. She also had a picture that was 10 years old and 50 lbs lighter, and had I been more experienced with OLD at the time I would have just said nope and walked out upon seeing her.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Throwing my hat into the Trump talk. The women I have met that are Trump supporters that had some interest in me weren't racist people. But....I did notice that they had blinders on to pretty much everything he does that people find offensive. They simply could not see it. Even if you tried to point it out. They also are oblivious to the fact that most male Trump supporters would not exactly be happy if they made their interest in someone like me known. Of the two that I got to know in the biblical sense, they both lost female friends because of their Trump support but didn't understand why. 

These were affluent attractive college educated women, and for them supporting Trump wasn't really about the issues. In fact when asked about issues they really didn't have much to say about them. I got the feeling it was about being different for the sake of being different, or just hatred of Hilary for various reasons. My ex girlfriend attended the inauguration balls, I declined to accompany her, she texted me a video of her dancing with Caitlin Jenner, it looked like she was having a blast. We had our issues, but her support of Trump wasn't one of them.


----------



## arbitrator

*I too, would be greatly put off in dating/talking with a woman who was either a Trump supporter or an arch-Conservative.

And I do prefer that they be college-educated and show a definite affinity for being Christian!*


----------



## ReformedHubby

Bananapeel said:


> Hey Arb - here's the way I handle these things as a man. I basically keep the conversations short and only for the purpose of scheduling a date; I figure a date is the time to ask questions and get to know the person. My thought is that if a woman is attracted to me and wants to meet me she'll make it easy, so I'll just ask after 4-6 messages whether she wants to go on a date then schedule day/time/location. If she declines the date offer (either doesn't respond to the question or says she doesn't know me well enough) then I know she wasn't really into me and I saved myself the hassle and time of communicating with her. Oh, and my standard opener is just "hi" then I leave it to her to show interest.


I think everyone approaches it differently, just don't be the cut and paste guy :rofl:. I actually like to communicate in a witty and charming manner with just the right amount of sexy flirtation. Not TOO much sexy though, although when you open that door some women actually bust right through it, but I leave that up to them to cross that line first, these days they often do though. I prefer a decent amount of chat before a first date because I want to get a decent feel for their personality before making a first date. I loathe coffee dates, so I like to get them to a comfort level where they feel better about meeting for dinner, or at least drinks at happy hour somewhere. I also like to be pretty chatty in OLD because if they are very responsive, its a pretty good indicator of their interest level. If someone takes a long time between responses I assume they are barely interested, or they are juggling multiple suitors. 

I never assume a person is "busy", I say this because I have been on the other side of this. If I like a person I will find the time to write them back, or at least send a quick text saying I am tied up, or with my kids etc. When I am lukewarm on someone I tend to sit on their messages because I don't have much to say. I have zero interest in pursuing someone who is lukewarm on me, so I tend to ghost slow responders, or women who write one liners and expect me to keep "entertaining" them. I prefer interaction where mutual interest is high as opposed to pursuit, never really been a chaser, but some men love the pursuit.


----------



## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> I never assume a person is "busy", I say this because I have been on the other side of this. If I like a person I will find the time to write them back, or at least send a quick text saying I am tied up, or with my kids etc. When I am lukewarm on someone I tend to sit on their messages because I don't have much to say. I have zero interest in pursuing someone who is lukewarm on me, so I tend to ghost slow responders, or women who write one liners and expect me to keep "entertaining" them. I prefer interaction where mutual interest is high as opposed to pursuit, never really been a chaser, but some men love the pursuit.


I'm honestly busy sometimes and I assume they are too if they don't reply right back. But then when there is time, we may go back and forth rapidly for quite awhile, maybe even hours depending on how fun it is.

When I'm not that interested, I usually just say so versus drift off in messages. I only keep talking to people I feel I would actually meet in person. Then some of them end up saying something that nexts them from my consideration, others don't and you get to the meet in person stage. Then some of them will flake before you even meet, cancel at the last moment, or even meet someone else the night before your date who they want to focus on. In any of these cases, I don't sweat it because there are simply no expectations.

The only time I have expectations is when I'm exclusively dating someone. Before then, literally anything could happen! Part of the fun of dating is the mystery and the fact that you cannot control events and conditions, you can only watch them unfold.


----------



## arbitrator

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm honestly busy sometimes and I assume they are too if they don't reply right back. But then when there is time, we may go back and forth rapidly for quite awhile, maybe even hours depending on how fun it is.
> 
> When I'm not that interested, I usually just say so versus drift off in messages. I only keep talking to people I feel I would actually meet in person. Then some of them end up saying something that nexts them from my consideration, others don't and you get to the meet in person stage. Then some of them will flake before you even meet, cancel at the last moment, or even meet someone else the night before your date who they want to focus on. In any of these cases, I don't sweat it because there are simply no expectations.
> 
> The only time I have expectations is when I'm exclusively dating someone. Before then, literally anything could happen! Part of the fun of dating is the mystery and the fact that you cannot control events and conditions, you can only watch them unfold.


*If they interest me, I love to correspond with those women that I seemingly hit it off with. That's only natural! But like you, if they don't like me or just do not have an affinity for my personality or perhaps the way that the relationship is going, then I would much rather just receive a simple "thanks, but no thanks" message instead of simply being "ghosted!"

That's called "honesty" and is greatly appreciated! Ghosting is done out of cowardice or fear!*


----------



## ReformedHubby

arbitrator said:


> *If they interest me, I love to correspond with those women that I seemingly hit it off with. That's only natural! But like you, if they don't like me or just do not have an affinity for my personality or perhaps the way that the relationship is going, then I would much rather just receive a simple "thanks, but no thanks" message instead of simply being "ghosted!"
> 
> That's called "honesty" and is greatly appreciated! Ghosting is done out of cowardice or fear!*


I can't speak for anyone else, but when I was new to OLD, I thought it was the right thing to do to just send a quick message saying I am flattered but I don't think we are a match. Yeah...that resulted in some pretty mean spirited responses. That's when I started ghosting. People say they want the truth...but when they are reading it in black and white it doesn't sit well with a lot of people. I could be wrong but I think men are more used to rejection than women are, because we tend to put ourselves out there more. 

Funny story I stopped sending out messages letting people down easy because I would catch hell for it, one women in particular who I did not find attractive at all kept messaging me. I didn't respond to any of her messages. One day I got a message from a really attractive women. I responded...she suggested we move the chat to email. Ha, ha...it was the same woman from before. As soon as the convo moved to email, she blasted me for not responding to her "real" profile. Which only proved my point as to why I never responded to her in the first place. I am over it. I am a ghoster and I make no apologies for it these days, not worth the headache to me. At this point I think most people in OLD don't take ghosting personally. With that said I don't ghost if I have actually gone out with the person, I do let them know in that case if we aren't a match. 

My second pet peeve other than ghosting is the person that ghosts you, and pops up months later trying to reconnect. Huh??? Did they think you waited around to hear back from them or something???


----------



## FrenchFry

ReformedHubby said:


> Funny story I stopped sending out messages letting people down easy because I would catch hell for it, one women in particular who I did not find attractive at all kept messaging me. I didn't respond to any of her messages. One day I got a message from a really attractive women. I responded...she suggested we move the chat to email. Ha, ha...it was the same woman from before. As soon as the convo moved to email, she blasted me for not responding to her "real" profile.


You could have been on Catfish, darn it.


----------



## Ynot

First the politics - I tend to reject anyone who is really that invested in either major party. Neither actually represent the side they are supposed IOW the GOP certainly has noting in common with real conservatism and the Dems are similarly disconnected with real liberalism. Anybody that toes one party line or the other is just a simpleton in my book.
The same holds true for religion. I understand some people go to some church or another, but once they start "witnessing" they can go to hell for all I care.
As others have mentioned I like to meet ASAP. It makes no sense to me to text or chat on the phone for weeks or months before meeting. I would rather see them IRL. That is the only way you meet the real person.


----------



## bkyln309

ReformedHubby said:


> I think everyone approaches it differently, just don't be the cut and paste guy :rofl:. I actually like to communicate in a witty and charming manner with just the right amount of sexy flirtation. Not TOO much sexy though, although when you open that door some women actually bust right through it, but I leave that up to them to cross that line first, these days they often do though. I prefer a decent amount of chat before a first date because I want to get a decent feel for their personality before making a first date. I loathe coffee dates, so I like to get them to a comfort level where they feel better about meeting for dinner, or at least drinks at happy hour somewhere. I also like to be pretty chatty in OLD because if they are very responsive, its a pretty good indicator of their interest level. If someone takes a long time between responses I assume they are barely interested, or they are juggling multiple suitors.
> 
> I never assume a person is "busy", I say this because I have been on the other side of this. If I like a person I will find the time to write them back, or at least send a quick text saying I am tied up, or with my kids etc. When I am lukewarm on someone I tend to sit on their messages because I don't have much to say. I have zero interest in pursuing someone who is lukewarm on me, so I tend to ghost slow responders, or women who write one liners and expect me to keep "entertaining" them. I prefer interaction where mutual interest is high as opposed to pursuit, never really been a chaser, but some men love the pursuit.



He needs to cut and paste hi??? Its the hi messages that I dont respond to at all. Or if I do I say you are so clever and that ends the conversation. You cant think of a sentence or two to write. I cannot be bothered with your laziness.


----------



## Faithful Wife

arbitrator said:


> *If they interest me, I love to correspond with those women that I seemingly hit it off with. That's only natural! But like you, if they don't like me or just do not have an affinity for my personality or perhaps the way that the relationship is going, then I would much rather just receive a simple "thanks, but no thanks" message instead of simply being "ghosted!"
> 
> That's called "honesty" and is greatly appreciated! Ghosting is done out of cowardice or fear!*


Do you mean ghosted for not replying?

Or ghosted after you've talked a bit already?

I don't consider not replying to an initial message to be ghosting. But if you've had some back and forth messages and they stop replying, or if you go on a date and then never hear from them again it is ghosting. Some people even ghost after several dates.

It may be cowardly in some cases but you can't really blame people for not wanting to say something that could hurt your feelings. And like Reformed said, sometimes people get weird when you do say thanks but no thanks.

I look at it like no one owes me anything, you know? It's just easier to have no expectations, not even the expectation of courtesy. If someone ghosts me or doesn't respond to an initial message from me, I just am grateful that they moved on and we didn't waste each other's time. If they are courteous or tell me they don't think we are a match, I appreciate it but I don't expect it. I usually do respond with something courteous but that's just a choice I make, others not making the same choice doesn't bother me.


----------



## Ynot

Faithful Wife said:


> Do you mean ghosted for not replying?
> 
> Or ghosted after you've talked a bit already?
> 
> I don't consider not replying to an initial message to be ghosting. But if you've had some back and forth messages and they stop replying, or if you go on a date and then never hear from them again it is ghosting. Some people even ghost after several dates.
> 
> It may be cowardly in some cases but you can't really blame people for not wanting to say something that could hurt your feelings. And like Reformed said, sometimes people get weird when you do say thanks but no thanks.
> 
> I look at it like no one owes me anything, you know? It's just easier to have no expectations, not even the expectation of courtesy. If someone ghosts me or doesn't respond to an initial message from me, I just am grateful that they moved on and we didn't waste each other's time. If they are courteous or tell me they don't think we are a match, I appreciate it but I don't expect it. I usually do respond with something courteous but that's just a choice I make, others not making the same choice doesn't bother me.


Sometimes ghosting is better for the ghoster than the alternative. The reality is that they really do not know the other person that well. They may have had some bad experiences trying to cut off what the other person imagines to be a budding relationship. There are some people who get highly offended and go into stalker and/or tirade mode. In some instances the ghoster may have experienced that and decided it is best just to cut the cord and move on rather than open themselves up to that. 
If one can't be adult enough to accept the ghosting or not be a stage 1 clinger, perhaps they shouldn't be dating at all.


----------



## arbitrator

Faithful Wife said:


> Do you mean ghosted for not replying?
> 
> *Or ghosted after you've talked a bit already?*
> 
> I don't consider not replying to an initial message to be ghosting. But if you've had some back and forth messages and they stop replying, or if you go on a date and then never hear from them again it is ghosting. Some people even ghost after several dates.
> 
> It may be cowardly in some cases but you can't really blame people for not wanting to say something that could hurt your feelings. And like Reformed said, sometimes people get weird when you do say thanks but no thanks.
> 
> I look at it like no one owes me anything, you know? It's just easier to have no expectations, not even the expectation of courtesy. If someone ghosts me or doesn't respond to an initial message from me, I just am grateful that they moved on and we didn't waste each other's time. If they are courteous or tell me they don't think we are a match, I appreciate it but I don't expect it. I usually do respond with something courteous but that's just a choice I make, others not making the same choice doesn't bother me.


*After having corresponded and/or talked with each other!*


----------



## Ynot

arbitrator said:


> *After having corresponded and/or talked with each other!*


You should just be thankful because they just identified themselves as someone you don't want to waste your time on.


----------



## minimalME

Ynot said:


> Sometimes ghosting is better for the ghoster than the alternative.


And that kind of sums up modern dating in general. The majority of it is extremely self-centered behavior.



> If one can't be adult enough to accept the ghosting or not be a stage 1 clinger, perhaps they shouldn't be dating at all.


And if one can't end relationships with maturity, kindness and dignity, regardless of how someone else will behave, then perhaps they shouldn't be dating at all.


----------



## Faithful Wife

arbitrator said:


> *After having corresponded and/or talked with each other!*


Yeah it's hard not to wonder what happened. But just trust that it means there wasn't a match and that it would have been a dead end.

Most are dead ends.

Really only a small percentage end up being relationships.

But if you as an individual have being in a quality relationship as one of your current goals, that will happen for you eventually.

Usually if someone ghosts me, I like to imagine it is because they met someone and then I just am happy for them. Then I go back to the table and roll the dice again. I don't put much energy into anyone I haven't even met in person yet. Hopefulness is great, but I avoid pinning the hopefulness on any one person until I've had several great dates with them, lots of talking and questions and answers, lots of chemistry, mutual attraction and interests, complimentary lifestyles....only at that point do I turn my hopefulness toward an individual.


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## Bananapeel

bkyln309 said:


> He needs to cut and paste hi??? Its the hi messages that I dont respond to at all. Or if I do I say you are so clever and that ends the conversation. You cant think of a sentence or two to write. I cannot be bothered with your laziness.


You'd actually be surprised at how well a simple "hi" works. I think the key is having a good enough profile that the women are interested in meeting me from the beginning, so there is very little I have to do to get things going. You are 100% correct it is lazy, but it works as long as my profile shows I am smart, funny, financially/professionally successful, physically fit, and good looking. If I had a poor success rate with women I'd probably put in more effort out of necessity. I guess my whole take on the OLD thing is if you are the type of guy a woman wants to meet then you don't have to work hard at it and minimal effort gets results.


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## ReformedHubby

minimalME said:


> And if one can't end relationships with maturity, kindness and dignity, regardless of how someone else will behave, then perhaps they shouldn't be dating at all.


I guess it all depends on ones definition of a relationship, I don't consider a few messages back and forth a relationship, with that said I think ghosting after a date is tacky, and ghosting after being intimate with someone is even more deplorable (ha, ha, hidden meaning there). I honestly hope ghosting after being intimate with someone isn't a common thing. But I'd imagine the people that have had that happen to them don't exactly go around announcing it.


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## ReformedHubby

Bananapeel said:


> You'd actually be surprised at how well a simple "hi" works. I think the key is having a good enough profile that the women are interested in meeting me from the beginning, so there is very little I have to do to get things going. You are 100% correct it is lazy, but it works as long as my profile shows I am smart, funny, financially/professionally successful, physically fit, and good looking. If I had a poor success rate with women I'd probably put in more effort out of necessity. I guess my whole take on the OLD thing is if you are the type of guy a woman wants to meet then you don't have to work hard at it and minimal effort gets results.


Ha, ha, you sir must be ridiculously good looking, the rest of us need to put in more effort than just hi. With that said we all have approaches that fit our personalities best, its definitely not a one size fits all kind of thing.


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## SentHereForAReason

To add another angle on this, as I prepare to do this in a few months. I'm pretty confident in my looks, personality and lifestyle but my teeth suck. I know that will be important to some, a good smile. I have been meaning to get them fixed for a long time but now with finances being a bit different I am going to have to hold off. I have too many damn teeth and need like 4-5 pulled, it causes the crowding and crookedness. If I am self conscious about one thing that would be it!


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## minimalME

ReformedHubby said:


> *I guess it all depends on ones definition of a relationship*, I don't consider a few messages back and forth a relationship, with that said I think ghosting after a date is tacky, and ghosting after being intimate with someone is even more deplorable (ha, ha, hidden meaning there). I honestly hope ghosting after being intimate with someone isn't a common thing. But I'd imagine the people that have had that happen to them don't exactly go around announcing it.


Agreed. An acquaintance is casual - not a person known fondly or intimately.


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## Thor

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes but...to each their own. To me, this issue is a deal breaker. To someone else it may not be, but unless that someone else wasn't a Trump supporter I would not agree to a date with them.
> 
> Others have deal breakers that I don't see a need for, but everyone gets to pick their own, not each other's.


I see this all the time in my area. I wish women who feel this strongly would put it as the first line in their profile rather than at the end. It wastes my time to read through a whole profile thinking this person looks like a possible match only to find out Trump is the single most important factor to her.

Around here there are generally 2 groups of women online. There are the liberal Trump haters who also put things in their profiles like no guns and no motorcycles. Then there are the conservative Mormons. It is extremely difficult to find a conservative libertarian woman who is not also Mormon. Lots of men I know are conservative and/or libertarian, and we don't fit into either of those 2 highly polarized groups of conservative Mormon or liberal progressive anti-Mormon.

It is very discouraging really.


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## Faithful Wife

Thor said:


> I see this all the time in my area. I wish women who feel this strongly would put it as the first line in their profile rather than at the end. It wastes my time to read through a whole profile thinking this person looks like a possible match only to find out Trump is the single most important factor to her.
> 
> Around here there are generally 2 groups of women online. There are the liberal Trump haters who also put things in their profiles like no guns and no motorcycles. Then there are the conservative Mormons. It is extremely difficult to find a conservative libertarian woman who is not also Mormon. Lots of men I know are conservative and/or libertarian, and we don't fit into either of those 2 highly polarized groups of conservative Mormon or liberal progressive anti-Mormon.
> 
> It is very discouraging really.


Yes it would be more difficult to date in an area that is dominated by a particular group that you would rather not date in. I'm really lucky in that sense, and it does help I think to be in an area where you have more options in your preferred groups.

My profile is short and sweet, only 3 paragraphs. I did put the Trump thing at the end, but it is so short I would hope no one would feel terribly put out by not getting that bit of into until the end. 

I didn't put it at the beginning because that would just seem weird. I also didn't say it in a way that was a diss to Trump supporters, I just said "If you are a Trump supporter, we won't be a match." I'm not claiming there is anything wrong with anyone....just that we won't match. I would hope a Trump supporter would see that and think "oh good, that makes this one easy" and swipe left (or equivalent depending on the app used).


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## Ynot

minimalME said:


> And that kind of sums up modern dating in general. The majority of it is extremely self-centered behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> And if one can't end relationships with maturity, kindness and dignity, regardless of how someone else will behave, then perhaps they shouldn't be dating at all.


Um, yeah. It works both ways. But then, I didn't think I had to explain that. 

Anyways, I have some sad news for you, the entirety of dating and relationships is self-centered behavior. YOU choose to date because YOU want to meet someone. YOU date people YOU are attracted to. YOU start relationships with people YOU are compatible with. YOU choose to marry out of selfishness. In fact YOU find happiness when YOUR needs are met. Conversely YOU find unhappiness when YOUR needs are not.
But it is even worse than that. Everyone who asks you out is operating under the same self centeredness AND they want to get into your pants, otherwise they wouldn't ask you out. For that matter, you wouldn't accept unless you considered the possibility.


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## Ynot

Thor said:


> I see this all the time in my area. I wish women who feel this strongly would put it as the first line in their profile rather than at the end. It wastes my time to read through a whole profile thinking this person looks like a possible match only to find out Trump is the single most important factor to her.
> 
> Around here there are generally 2 groups of women online. There are the liberal Trump haters who also put things in their profiles like no guns and no motorcycles. Then there are the conservative Mormons. It is extremely difficult to find a conservative libertarian woman who is not also Mormon. Lots of men I know are conservative and/or libertarian, and we don't fit into either of those 2 highly polarized groups of conservative Mormon or liberal progressive anti-Mormon.
> 
> It is very discouraging really.


Those women who don't like motorcycles are really doing them selves a disservice.


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## Faithful Wife

Ynot said:


> But it is even worse than that. Everyone who asks you out is operating under the same self centeredness AND they want to get into your pants, otherwise they wouldn't ask you out. For that matter, you wouldn't accept unless you considered the possibility.


Why is this bad? Of course we all date to find sex partners. It's what grownups do.


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## Faithful Wife

Ynot said:


> Those women who don't like motorcycles are really doing them selves a disservice.


I would say they are leaving all the men who DO like motorcycles to the ladies who also like them. They are self selecting themselves out of that group and thus making it easier for those in that group to find each other and not waste time on non-matches.


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## Elizabeth001

Faithful Wife said:


> I would say they are leaving all the men who DO like motorcycles to the ladies who also like them. They are self selecting themselves out of that group and thus making it easier for those in that group to find each other and not waste time on non-matches.




Right on. Unless they have a side car for my dogs, I’m not interested. I actually had that on my profile for a while. Haha!

Also, concerning motorcycles, having one and enjoying it is one thing. Being ate up with it or owning one as part of a mid-life crisis is another thing entirely. 

Eta: extra word
Edit spelling. Grrrr


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

Elizabeth001 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I would say they are leaving all the men who DO like motorcycles to the ladies who also like them. They are self selecting themselves out of that group and thus making it easier for those in that group to find each other and not waste time on non-matches.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Right on. Unless they have a side car for my dogs, I’m not interested. I actually had that on my profile for a while. Haha!
> 
> Also, concerning motorcycles, having one and enjoying it is one thing. Being ate up with it or owning one as part of a mid-life crisis is another thing entirely.
> 
> Eta: extra word
> Edit spelling. Grrrr
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

My stance is that I don’t care if a guy has one or not. If he does, I’m not going to be riding on it with him. The guy I dated for a year had one and tried to get me on it several times before he gave up. Then he would just ride when he had alone time, and when we were together we had lots of fun, no bike necessary.


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## Ynot

Faithful Wife said:


> Why is this bad? Of course we all date to find sex partners. It's what grownups do.


I don't think it is bad and you do not think it is bad because we are realists, In fact most people understand that. Unfortunately the member I was responding to seems to believe in the Disney version of relationships, hence her comment about the sad state of modern dating. She is upset because that is why people date.


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## Bananapeel

ReformedHubby said:


> Ha, ha, you sir must be ridiculously good looking, the rest of us need to put in more effort than just hi. With that said we all have approaches that fit our personalities best, its definitely not a one size fits all kind of thing.


No, I'm better than average looking but not drop dead gorgeous. For the looks department you just need to meet a certain threshold and then the other things you offer such as professional success, social status, confidence, sense of humor, physical fitness, etc. just help to seal the deal.


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## 2&out

Interesting reading. I've thought of maybe doing OLD but the couple times I did, I looked at profiles first and frankly saw few that interested me much. Seems like a lot of profiles are pretty specific which I think is a good thing but tend to make me think I probably won't make the cut and think there is probably a boatload of other guys trying to make contact with the ones I might be. But I realize a lot of it is me. I'm a little older now and not really willing to compromise on much. "Beach" mentioned ? Pass. No cycles ? Like to read books, reality shows, strong left or right political views, have kids under 16, kids over 25 at home, dogs, birds, pass, pass, pass. I guess luckily for me I am pretty social and meet a lot of people thru my profession. I don't feel a partner void in my life so have little drive or initiative to find one. So for me OLD seems like too much work. In person meeting of people seems to work OK for me.


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## Ynot

minimalME said:


> And that kind of sums up modern dating in general. The majority of it is extremely self-centered behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> And if one can't end relationships with maturity, kindness and dignity, regardless of how someone else will behave, then perhaps they shouldn't be dating at all.


Yeah that is probably why I have spent sometime over the past week with some of the women I used to go out. We ended our relationships as adults and remain friends to this day.


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## nospam99

Very interesting .... 

I just noticed this thread popping up as a Recent Discussion. I'm very interested in Online Dating (OLD) so I'll chime in. I'm also one of the loveshack refugees.

Anyway, mid-60s male, divorced a little over a year ago after a 30+ year relationship that had been adversarial for a good 10 of those years, took some time to realize that in spite of a failed relationship I'd be happier with an SO, found my way to loveshack and was advised to try OLD (among other things), and started OLD about 8 months ago.

FWIW, I'm an OLD happy camper. Maybe it's the senior demographic, maybe that my lifestyle has kept me healthier and more active than most other men my age, maybe that I'm looking for a relationship rather than a 'hookup', maybe that I'm a careful 'picker'. But I've met an average of one woman every month and only one overstated her characteristics on her profile. All have been good women/good PEOPLE. One was a 'big one that got away' - I was the one who wasn't up to HER standards.

So, still dating, still using OLD to find someone new to date when a relationship fizzles, and of firm belief that this 'meet' model is so good that there is no comparison to cruising bars 40 years ago, relying on matchmaking friends, or expecting a woman outside OLD to 'make the first move'.


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## honcho

Thor said:


> I see this all the time in my area. I wish women who feel this strongly would put it as the first line in their profile rather than at the end. It wastes my time to read through a whole profile thinking this person looks like a possible match only to find out Trump is the single most important factor to her.
> 
> Around here there are generally 2 groups of women online. There are the liberal Trump haters who also put things in their profiles like no guns and no motorcycles. Then there are the conservative Mormons. It is extremely difficult to find a conservative libertarian woman who is not also Mormon. Lots of men I know are conservative and/or libertarian, and we don't fit into either of those 2 highly polarized groups of conservative Mormon or liberal progressive anti-Mormon.
> 
> It is very discouraging really.


Before I gave up on the whole old fiasco I had in one of my profiles that I had guns, I hunted and I had several motorcycle's and that got the most responses out of anything I put in a profile. All bad, I never imagined so many people would waste the time to contact me telling me how horrible I am because I hunt, guns, cycles etc etc.....

Why would they care? if that doesn't interest them ya move along to the next profile yet they feel compelled to contact me. I found the old experience more of an ordeal and annoyance in the times I tried it. I live in a small population area so you end up seeing the exact same people on every dating site, most having completely different profiles between sites so it seems they are just fishin for dates much more than trying to find someone and being genuine.


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## Thor

Even here which is not a small town I see the same women on multiple sites.

I've thought about putting up all the inflammatory stuff like guns, motorcycles, and conservative voter to piss off the crazies and maybe find the one in a million woman who would be a match. I remember about 10 yrs ago at the pistol competitions there was a mother/daughter duo who started showing up. Both had that hot healthy farm girl look, and both shot amazingly good. That's what I need! But around here it seems the women are either progressive liberals or conservative Mormons. And there seem to be a lot of men like me who are generally conservative libertarians but not religious.

I have actually started to think about moving to where there would be more compatible opportunities.


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## minimalME

Thor said:


> I have actually started to think about moving to where there would be more compatible opportunities.


Although I didn't move in order to find a compatible partner, I did think that moving from a tiny island with limited social opportunities would be different than living in an area with a lot more men.

I was wrong.

I did have lots more dates, but unfortunately the behaviors were the same.


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## honcho

Thor said:


> Even here which is not a small town I see the same women on multiple sites.
> 
> I've thought about putting up all the inflammatory stuff like guns, motorcycles, and conservative voter to piss off the crazies and maybe find the one in a million woman who would be a match. I remember about 10 yrs ago at the pistol competitions there was a mother/daughter duo who started showing up. Both had that hot healthy farm girl look, and both shot amazingly good. That's what I need! But around here it seems the women are either progressive liberals or conservative Mormons. And there seem to be a lot of men like me who are generally conservative libertarians but not religious.
> 
> I have actually started to think about moving to where there would be more compatible opportunities.


A good friend of mine for laughs put in a profile
Must be able to reload
Must be able to field dress a deer
Must be able to bait their own hook
Nothing else in profile other than a picture

Though he did it more as a joke he actually had a woman who met the criteria respond and they did date.


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## NobodySpecial

honcho said:


> Before I gave up on the whole old fiasco I had in one of my profiles that I had guns, I hunted and I had several motorcycle's and that got the most responses out of anything I put in a profile. All bad, I never imagined so many people would waste the time to contact me telling me how horrible I am because I hunt, guns, cycles etc etc.....
> 
> Why would they care?


You kill Bambi's father! Or was it mother? I forget.  (Please, please. I am joking.)


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## Faithful Wife

honcho said:


> Before I gave up on the whole old fiasco I had in one of my profiles that I had guns, I hunted and I had several motorcycle's and that got the most responses out of anything I put in a profile. All bad, I never imagined so many people would waste the time to contact me telling me how horrible I am because I hunt, guns, cycles etc etc.....
> 
> Why would they care? if that doesn't interest them ya move along to the next profile yet they feel compelled to contact me.


OMG, wow! I can't imagine contacting someone just to tell them I don't agree with something on their profile, wtf!!!???


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## Faithful Wife

nospam99 said:


> So, still dating, still using OLD to find someone new to date when a relationship fizzles, and of firm belief that this 'meet' model is so good that there is no comparison to cruising bars 40 years ago, relying on matchmaking friends, or expecting a woman outside OLD to 'make the first move'.


I love OLD also...I would prefer getting set up by a friend or meeting someone in person, but that just never happens for me so.....OLD is my best place for dating.


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## Thor

Faithful Wife said:


> OMG, wow! I can't imagine contacting someone just to tell them I don't agree with something on their profile, wtf!!!???


I've actually contacted women and said we're not a match but I love a particular photo, or I applaud them for putting something in their profile which may not be politically correct. But I'd never contact them to complain about their profile. Why bother?


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## Faithful Wife

Thor said:


> I've actually contacted women and said we're not a match but I love a particular photo, or I applaud them for putting something in their profile which may not be politically correct. But I'd never contact them to complain about their profile. Why bother?


I have done that too (complimenting someone on something even though we aren't a match).

But I have never and would never tell someone anything was wrong with their profile or pictures, yeesh! Just why??


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## Wolf1974

Speaking from my personal perspective I had a lot of success with online dating. The key for me was way, WAY lowering expectations and sticking to some very firm boundrys to avoid getting used or lead on. Some of these include:
Meeting IN PERSON within a week of contact as to not be lead on
Keeping first dates very simple or nearly free. 
Never contacting anyone with just one picture or no picture
Never contacting anyone who talks about politics in the profile
Never contacting anyone who talks bad about men or the X in the profile
Never contacting someone who has the line my kids come first 
And so on...

Course these were learned over time. In the beginning it was a lot of fancy meals and high expectations which lead to disappointment and feeling played. I think what I found is just like any other dating area it’s just a game and you have to learn the rules. Men send lots of messages women get a lot of messages. Women just have more options than we do but that’s the game, have to find a way to stand out. Some weeks I had no dates Others 4-5. Most dates are not going to be a connection. Must have had hundreds of 1st dates very few second based on my determination or theirs.

I think what I like most is the ability to meet people outside my social circle. I never would have met my gf had it not been for online dating. And if we were to ever breakup I have no worries about jumping back on it. Overall I think it’s a great tool.


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## Thor

@;And here's a real disaster story from OLD. Bat**** crazy woman meets man, goes on one date. Then she sends him 65,000 text messages, up to 500 per day! Says she wants to bathe in his blood. She even broke into his house when he wasn't home, and showed up at his work claiming to be his wife. :surprise:

PD: Accused stalker sent 65,000 texts to man, said she wanted to - Arizona's Family


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## Faithful Wife

Thor said:


> @;And here's a real disaster story from OLD. Bat**** crazy woman meets man, goes on one date. Then she sends him 65,000 text messages, up to 500 per day! Says she wants to bathe in his blood. She even broke into his house when he wasn't home, and showed up at his work claiming to be his wife. :surprise:
> 
> PD: Accused stalker sent 65,000 texts to man, said she wanted to - Arizona's Family


HOLY CRAP!!!

I gotta say though, this isn't OLD specific. I've known several people who got stalked, with or without having met on OLD. 

In one case, I worked with both people and the stalker literally committed suicide...he didn't say anything about the girl he had been stalking, he didn't leave a suicide note, nothing like that. But it happened like a week after he bought her jewelry and roses (completely inappropriate) and in a note on the roses he asked her out. It really freaked her out and she was just trying to avoid him, because she didn't want to have to talk to him in person and say "thanks but no thanks". She did leave the jewelry in the guy's manager's inbox and asked him to please give it back to the stalker. All we know is that he huffed and puffed around at work when he found out she had not accepted the jewelry, and then he called in sick for a few days, then he was back to work for a day or two acting like nothing was wrong....then he drove his car straight into a brick wall. The whole thing was incredibly sad.  Clearly the guy was mentally ill, but there is no way to help someone like that, and the girl was most definitely in danger while he had his focus set on her, I'm sure he was so far mentally gone that he would have taken her out too if he could have.


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## Wolf1974

Thor said:


> @;And here's a real disaster story from OLD. Bat**** crazy woman meets man, goes on one date. Then she sends him 65,000 text messages, up to 500 per day! Says she wants to bathe in his blood. She even broke into his house when he wasn't home, and showed up at his work claiming to be his wife. :surprise:
> 
> PD: Accused stalker sent 65,000 texts to man, said she wanted to - Arizona's Family


Lol my x wife has this one beat and I didnt meet her online since it wasn’t invented then lol crazy be crazy


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## daddymikey1975

For those of you who have children and have been divorced for a few years, what metrics are good indicators that it's ok to introduce someone new to your children? 

(assuming kids are 15, 11, 9, & 8)



Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator

Thor said:


> @;And here's a real disaster story from OLD. Bat**** crazy woman meets man, goes on one date. Then she sends him 65,000 text messages, up to 500 per day! Says she wants to bathe in his blood. She even broke into his house when he wasn't home, and showed up at his work claiming to be his wife. :surprise:
> 
> PD: Accused stalker sent 65,000 texts to man, said she wanted to - Arizona's Family


*Sure that she didn't boil a bunny on his kitchen stovetop? *


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## Rowan

daddymikey1975 said:


> For those of you who have children and have been divorced for a few years, what metrics are good indicators that it's ok to introduce someone new to your children?
> 
> (assuming kids are 15, 11, 9, & 8)



I never introduced my son to anyone I was dating, with the exception of my current SO. He met my son, who was 15 at the time, after we'd been together over 6 months and both considered this to be a long-term committed relationship. So, I guess that's my criteria.


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## Bananapeel

daddymikey1975 said:


> For those of you who have children and have been divorced for a few years, what metrics are good indicators that it's ok to introduce someone new to your children?
> 
> (assuming kids are 15, 11, 9, & 8)
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I tell the women I date that after 6-12 months we'll discuss it and decide. So far, I haven't introduced anyone to my kids. For me to do an introduction I'd have to see long term potential and they'd have to be a the type of influence I'd want around my kids. I had dated a woman for a little over a year that was a total blast but her parenting style was opposite of mine so we never did the kid introduction. Instead we just kept the relationship about us and then eventually went our separate ways. My kids knew about her and asked to meet her but I just told them that I'm not going to introduce them to people that are not going to be an integral part of their lives.

My suggestions:
Date the person for 6-12 months so you get past the honeymoon stage and really get to know them.
Make sure the relationship looks like it will be long term.
Make sure the person has a compatible parenting style and would be a positive influence.


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## Not

I have to ask. Is OLD a general term for any old online dating site or is OLD a specific site? I’ve never used an online dating site so know nothing about any of them. Is there a fee for the services at these websites?


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## Bananapeel

It's a general term. There are lots of different sites and apps. Some are free and some are for a fee.


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