# How do I get my husband to step up financially



## greekgal

I am new to this site and I need some help... I married my HS sweetheart from 18 years ago this past year. I have two kids from a previous marriage, which was really abusive. He had never been married cuz he said he never got over me. I know he loves me more then life itself and I never have to worry about him hitting me or cheating on me like my ex's. He is great to the kids and is helping them get over what they went thru with their dad. He is still learning how to be a dad, but he is trying. He is really sweet and loving. 

But there is a big problem. He has a crappy job that he has only worked a full week 7 times this year. He is always off for one reason or the other. I tried to get him to take another job which paid more but he chose this one cause it was something he liked. Because of this I work two jobs! My part time job I work more then his FT job. I had to go back to my pt job two days after ankle surgery to keep us from going under. His hardly covers gas and part of the food. He promised he would get some training when we got married...nothing. I have tried to get him to get another job, he stalls. I told him to get a pt job...nothing, just stalling. We are both trying to rebuild and we don't have alot, and we never will at this rate. And all I do is work, meanwhile I don't get any days off and I miss my teens!! He gets to go to the gym, watch tv and has alot of days off!! Its not fair, I am starting to really hate him. I don't want him to touch me and it doesn't matter to him that I yell, he lets me and then tries to be lovey. I want more from my life then this, I am almost 40 and I want to give my kids more too. He has alot of potential and is the sweetest person but I don't know how to get him to step up or is this a lost cause. Does anyone have any ideas. Oh, I spent the last year trying to be the "cheerleader" type in encouraging him to get a better job, that did not work. HELP!!


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## ConfusedWifey86

i really dont know as i am in exactly the same place as u... my hubby keeps going from job to job... a few years ago he started his apprentiship as a plumber and i thought great we will have more money in a few short years well this year he became fully qualified and hasnt worked as a plumber sence becoming qualified. he has been of work since may, and has only recently got a part time job, and its doing my head in!!! argh feelin ya chick


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## EleGirl

GreekGal... what did he do before you married him? did he work this little at taht time?

Did you have to work two jobs before you got married?

This guy has decided that he's going to let you support him while he becomes your kids best friend and goofs off. THis is a form of spousal abuse. You have just fallen for another kind of abuse.

The only thing you can do that has a chance to get him to change is to kick him out. Make him act like a grown up and at elast take responsibility for supporting himself.

I speak from experience on this. Don't wait till you have been married years and have gown bitter and hate him.


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## unsure78

ah i lived this as well with my exh.... i was working my a$$ off full time professional job, taking care of the child and the majority of the household duties while he worked menial part time jobs when he did work- he lived a easy life while i worked to the bone. Nothing i did or said would get him to change, i became very angry and bitter. I hate to tell you but short of kicking him out and making him support himself, no help from you, it prob wont work. My exh is still working menial jobs, he just moves from one friend to another now using them for a free place to stay, till they kick him out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 40isthenew20

A man needs to hustle to make money if the regular job slows down. He needs to get off his ass and find more employment, especially since he has open hours and days. He should be embarrassed that his wife is doing just that while he makes excuses not to.


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## Wolfman1968

EleGirl said:


> GreekGal... what did he do before you married him? did he work this little at taht time?
> 
> Did you have to work two jobs before you got married?
> 
> This guy has decided that he's going to let you support him while he becomes your kids best friend and goofs off. THis is a form of spousal abuse. You have just fallen for another kind of abuse.
> 
> The only thing you can do that has a chance to get him to change is to kick him out. Make him act like a grown up and at elast take responsibility for supporting himself.
> 
> I speak from experience on this. Don't wait till you have been married years and have gown bitter and hate him.


Spousal abuse?!

Wow. So since I have a stay at home wife (no minor kids at home), I am a victim of spousal abuse? I work long, horrible hours. 

Is every hardworking/workaholic lawyer, doctor, business executive who works grinding hours to support a stay at home wife a victim of spousal abuse? If he wants his wife to get out there and work, and she doesn't, is that what makes him a victim of spousal abuse?

Or does that only apply if the one working more is a woman?

I see this a lot. Non working husbands are bums. Non working wives are homemakers (even if they don't do squat at home), and have the "hardest job in the world" in Oprah-speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78

wolfman i think it depends if the choice was made together as a couple for one party to be a stay at home wherever. If its was mutually agreed upon and that spouse at home takes care the kids and/or homstead,and the extra income is not needed then im all for it. However, when the spouse at home (woman or man) quits, gets fired, or refuses to work or work more even when the income is needed, its crap. In my case exh was fired, and choose to play video games instead, he refused to watch our child more than one day a week (so child was kept in daycare) and often i would come home from a full day of work to find nothing done in the house, not even dinner made.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald

greekgal said:


> I am new to this site and I need some help... I married my HS sweetheart from 18 years ago this past year. I have two kids from a previous marriage, which was really abusive. He had never been married cuz he said he never got over me. I know he loves me more then life itself and I never have to worry about him hitting me or cheating on me like my ex's. He is great to the kids and is helping them get over what they went thru with their dad. He is still learning how to be a dad, but he is trying. He is really sweet and loving.
> 
> But there is a big problem. He has a crappy job that he has only worked a full week 7 times this year. He is always off for one reason or the other. I tried to get him to take another job which paid more but he chose this one cause it was something he liked. Because of this I work two jobs! My part time job I work more then his FT job. I had to go back to my pt job two days after ankle surgery to keep us from going under. His hardly covers gas and part of the food. He promised he would get some training when we got married...nothing. I have tried to get him to get another job, he stalls. I told him to get a pt job...nothing, just stalling. We are both trying to rebuild and we don't have alot, and we never will at this rate. And all I do is work, meanwhile I don't get any days off and I miss my teens!! He gets to go to the gym, watch tv and has alot of days off!! Its not fair, I am starting to really hate him. I don't want him to touch me and it doesn't matter to him that I yell, he lets me and then tries to be lovey. I want more from my life then this, I am almost 40 and I want to give my kids more too. He has alot of potential and is the sweetest person but I don't know how to get him to step up or is this a lost cause. Does anyone have any ideas. Oh, I spent the last year trying to be the "cheerleader" type in encouraging him to get a better job, that did not work. HELP!!


Is there a possibility that he has a mental illness?

I'm sorry that he has no drive to support himself at age 40. You may have thought that with your love & support, you could change him. Sometimes it works.

Maybe marriage counseling?


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## Wolfman1968

unsure78 said:


> wolfman i think it depends if the choice was made together as a couple for one party to be a stay at home wherever. If its was mutually agreed upon and that spouse at home takes care the kids and/or homstead,and the extra income is not needed then im all for it. However, when the spouse at home (woman or man) quits, gets fired, or refuses to work or work more even when the income is needed, its crap. In my case exh was fired, and choose to play video games instead, he refused to watch our child more than one day a week (so child was kept in daycare) and often i would come home from a full day of work to find nothing done in the house, not even dinner made.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am afraid this will turn into a thread jack if I push the issue. 

I'm just going to say that in general, husbands who stay at home are usually regarded as bums and wives who stay at home are treated as heroines, regardless of the details. 
The post above called it "spousal abuse" to have the underemployed husband, but such a comment would have been derided if it was made about a wife. 
And I think you are kidding yourself if you think there is a mutually "agreed upon" status for a stay at home wife with no kids. The wife just decides to stay home, and the husband accepts it. There isn't the kind of ire felt by husbands when the wife pulls this because of the expectation for the husband to be the major breadwinner. 

I think this is pertinent in your case, because if this very dynamic. I am older (50s), but I think the younger generation of men have accepted the feminist/modern dogma of equality in the sex roles. Therefore, they feel no more shame in living off a woman than women feel at living off a man. But I think women resent it when the roles are reversed. 
I think the anger and resented you feel, and the other posters share, is born of this. 

I say this because when I first saw your initial post, I imagined the response if the genders in the post were reversed. Even if the stay at home wife as lazy and the home was a wreck, you'd get posts like, "maybe she's depressed", "don't judge her housework, you may be too demanding", "then you ought to help out", etc. I certainly would never see the lazy wife accused of "spousal abuse". 

I think you should consider some of this dynamic as you work out your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Wolfman1968 said:


> Spousal abuse?!
> 
> Wow. So since I have a stay at home wife (no minor kids at home), I am a victim of spousal abuse? I work long, horrible hours.


The OP’s situation is quite a bit different from yours. 
I assume that you and your wife agreed that she would be a stay-at-home wife and that you would support her? That’s call a mature, mutual contract.
It’s abuse for one spouse to promise to help support the household, marry with as the verbal contract the couple has… and then for one spouse to refuse to live up to the contract thus forcing the other have to work 2 jobs to keep the non-working spouse in a life style he/she unilaterally chose.


Wolfman1968 said:


> Is every hardworking/workaholic lawyer, doctor, business executive who works grinding hours to support a stay at home wife a victim of spousal abuse? If he wants his wife to get out there and work, and she doesn't, is that what makes him a victim of spousal abuse?


You definitely miss the fine points.


Wolfman1968 said:


> Or does that only apply if the one working more is a woman?


You definitely miss the fine points.



Wolfman1968 said:


> I see this a lot. Non working husbands are bums. Non working wives are homemakers (even if they don't do squat at home), and have the "hardest job in the world" in Oprah-speak.


SHE DID NOT AND HAS NOT AGREED TO HIM NOT WORKING AND TO SUPPORTING HIM.


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## EleGirl

unsure78 said:


> wolfman i think it depends if the choice was made together as a couple for one party to be a stay at home wherever. If its was mutually agreed upon and that spouse at home takes care the kids and/or homstead,and the extra income is not needed then im all for it. However, when the spouse at home (woman or man) quits, gets fired, or refuses to work or work more even when the income is needed, its crap. In my case exh was fired, and choose to play video games instead, he refused to watch our child more than one day a week (so child was kept in daycare) and often i would come home from a full day of work to find nothing done in the house, not even dinner made.


This is exactly what my life has been for years. 

If my husband actually did what a SAH spouse is supposed to do I'd be in 7th heaven. But to refuse to work, push all financial responsiblity, all child rearing and all housework/chores on me.. yep that's spousal abuse.

I work 60-80 hour weeks + all the at home stuff. Hardly get any sleep.

He has a life of leasure....

We are divorced now.. this is a huge part of why I divorced him.


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## EleGirl

geekgal...

who much of the housework and chores does he do?


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## unsure78

Wolfman1968 said:


> I think you should consider some of this dynamic as you work out your situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



my situation is worked out, i divorced him...

and if its not a mutually argeed upon that one partner stays home then the one partner is just using another. I had no issue being the breadwinner of the family, went into the marriage knowing that but when he choose to not be gainfully employed after he lost his job and then not even lift a finger to take care of the household he was just taking advantage of me. I think regardless of gender that in a marriage one partner not taking care of there portion of the duties is unacceptable
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy

Greekgal

To be brutally honest I don't see much prospect of your husband changing. He's 40, never been married, and working menial jobs. The odds of him changing significantly at this point are extremely low. 

He's only going to change if he decides to change. At this point why would he? He'd work more and have to contribute more to the family. As it stands now he works less and gets to enjoy his time off. 

He sounds lazy to me.


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## oldgeezer

greekgal said:


> I am new to this site and I need some help... I married my HS sweetheart from 18 years ago this past year. I have two kids from a previous marriage, which was really abusive. He had never been married cuz he said he never got over me. I know he loves me more then life itself and I never have to worry about him hitting me or cheating on me like my ex's. He is great to the kids and is helping them get over what they went thru with their dad. He is still learning how to be a dad, but he is trying. He is really sweet and loving.


You are asking how to manipulate him into doing what you want him to do. 

You married him, apparently, knowing this was his life or lifestyle, I'm going to assume for the purposes of answering. 

My answer is: You're not going to be able to force him into doing anything different. 

You may, however, convince him he WANTS to do something different. That is not the same as doing something to get you off his back. 

I'm going to suspect that you've pressured him into certain STEPS that would alter his ability to make more money, but as of yet, he hasn't changed his mind about what he wants to do or how he wants to do it. You didn't change his mind, I'm going to guess that from his perspective, he took actions to get you to stop nagging. You nag him to do something, he solves it by actions that get you off his back for a while. 

The issue here, is that he got into a relationship that you accepted and then want to change the terms of, without actually changing the terms. 

You're going to have to have a "not yelling and nagging and threatening" conversation about what role or roles each of you expects the other to have, and then what roles each of you are going to have. And that includes who earns what, in terms of money, and so on. Just expecting and thinking you can manipulate him into changing his role to make you happier is very, VERY unlikely to work. If it is going to happen, it's going to be more formal, more specific than that.


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## IsGirl3

you say he's the sweetest person, but what is sweet about watching you work like a dog while he's not pulling his weight. doesn't it bother him at all how inequitable it is. if you were fine with it, then great, but you're not fine with it, you've told him this, and your sweet guy just does not give a sh*t. that's not sweet. that's selfish. he's nice to the kids - great - that's not enough. he's nice to you, too, that's great, why shouldn't he?

i guess he probably hasn't changed since you married him. he's the same guy that you married with the part time work. you changed the rules on him, which he's not happy with - he was perfectly happy with his part time job, but there's nothing wrong with changing the rules and wanting more help. you're a team now, or at least you should be a team. but he's not a team player. if he was, he'd want to help you, but he's perfectly content and it doesn't seem to bother him one bit that you are working so hard.

I don't think you can change him, and I don't think you should change your expectations, so I think you should follow the advice above and ask him to step up to the plate more, or step aside.


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## FoolMeOnce

Aside from just getting by, the two of you need to be thinking about retirement as well. Seems as though he most likely doesn't even have much social social security racked up at a minimum!

You being the more driven and responsible one will lose respect for him and end up not sexually attracted to him, and it just spirals out of control from there.

If you leave, will you owe him alimony? Something to think about.


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## FoolMeOnce

I think he never married for other reasons. Maybe no one wanted his lazy butt! All those years pining for you? Charming, but too Hollywood for me.

Tell him you can't afford a third child. Man up or move on. I bet your kids will become gainfully employed before he does.


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## greekgal

Sorry I could not rely before I been working alot and been a little sick. To answer a few questions.

No, he was working a lot when we got married, so I assumed it would continue. Not expecting 7 days a week forever but a normal 40 would be great. 

Sometimes he does more housework and others he does not. But he has not assumed the household duties a SAH spouse would do. The teens have their own chores.

No we did not decide this at all, I actually don't have an issue with a male SAH, but there are not minor kids and I don't make enough to support a family of four...lol. Actually before we got married we talked about him getting training/schooling to get a better job as he was moving to where I lived. He was working 7 days a week then and instead he took the easiest job and that was that.

I see what has to be done now and I really appreciate everyone's input. TY


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## Wolfman1968

EleGirl said:


> The OP’s situation is quite a bit different from yours.
> I assume that you and your wife agreed that she would be a stay-at-home wife and that you would support her? That’s call a mature, mutual contract.
> It’s abuse for one spouse to promise to help support the household, marry with as the verbal contract the couple has… and then for one spouse to refuse to live up to the contract thus forcing the other have to work 2 jobs to keep the non-working spouse in a life style he/she unilaterally chose.
> 
> You definitely miss the fine points.
> 
> You definitely miss the fine points.
> 
> 
> 
> SHE DID NOT AND HAS NOT AGREED TO HIM NOT WORKING AND TO SUPPORTING HIM.



I disagree with virtually everything you posted above. I am not missing any subtleties here, and actually believe that you are.

In every case I know of, the Stay-At-Home wife did not get an "agreement" before the marriage to stay at home. Most of the time, it is a unilateral decision that the husband reluctantly accedes to, in my experience. Think about it. Virtually every thread you see about a spouse "not pulling their weight" is about a husband who earns less (or none). Does it make sense to assume that in virtually every case, only husbands quit (or if they get downsized, "don't make enough effort") unilaterally, and wives always get full and enthusiastic consent? Of course not. What makes more sense is that due to the social conditioning of the traditional husband-breadwinner mindset, women are more resentful (in general) when they become the main breadwinner, and husbands are conditioned to just accept it as their lot in life.

In my case, for example, my wife worked for several years full time before unilaterally deciding to quit. We have no kids at home that needed to be cared for. She just decided we didn't need her income and it wasn't worth her stress to work. 

That's why I still think the poster's biggest problem is the resentment over the changed roles. In every other aspect, the hubsand (according to the OP) is "sweet and loving."


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## greekgal

I forgot to mention on thing, I wanted to comment on the other issue brought up buy wolfman.

I would have no issue if this were a thing of just making more then my husband or if he was the victim of downsizing or this economy. I could care less if I was making alot more then him, if he were working a regular FT job that was the best He could do and we were doing ok...and he kept up the house exclusively if I was working more. However that is NOT the case... 

He chose the easiest one out of the ones offered with no benefits. He will not even try to find better or take me up on getting him training to get a better job. So I am stuck with a very physical job that is hurting me so I can keep benefits for us and the kids. He may work 4 days and he gets to goe to the gym, does the dishes, maybe a load of laundry and he watches tv...not the martha stewart expected for being home all the time. Meanwhile I am pulling 70-80 hour weeks on a regular basis....no days off.

The main issue is we don't have alot, I was in the process of rebuilding from a terrible divorce and he really didn't have much. At the time he was working 5-7 days a week and when he moved here it all changed. But we are still struggling like crazy, my two jobs aren't that great. I didn't sign up for this life at all. That is why I was trying to get advice...we are really struggling and I need to get him to help or we could lose what little we have. 

I really believe in marriage so I don't want to just let that go, I divorced the other for abuse...he is a great guy except for this and but this is a great issue and its really affecting the way I feel for him...I just don't know how to get thru to him...


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## IsGirl3

how does he respond when you say, "I need help. I'm asking for help. I'm begging for help. Please help me. I'm burnt out. I haven't had a day off in months. I'm working 70-80 hours a week and it's killing me. I'm exhuasted - physically and emotionally. I'm frustrated. Will you help me?"

And if he still says, "no," then your nice sweet guy doesn't give a flying f*ck about you.


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## Wolfman1968

greekgal said:


> I forgot to mention on thing, I wanted to comment on the other issue brought up buy wolfman.
> 
> I would have no issue if this were a thing of just making more then my husband or if he was the victim of downsizing or this economy. I could care less if I was making alot more then him, if he were working a regular FT job that was the best He could do and we were doing ok...and he kept up the house exclusively if I was working more. However that is NOT the case...
> 
> He chose the easiest one out of the ones offered with no benefits. He will not even try to find better or take me up on getting him training to get a better job. So I am stuck with a very physical job that is hurting me so I can keep benefits for us and the kids. He may work 4 days and he gets to goe to the gym, does the dishes, maybe a load of laundry and he watches tv...not the martha stewart expected for being home all the time. Meanwhile I am pulling 70-80 hour weeks on a regular basis....no days off.
> 
> The main issue is we don't have alot, I was in the process of rebuilding from a terrible divorce and he really didn't have much. At the time he was working 5-7 days a week and when he moved here it all changed. But we are still struggling like crazy, my two jobs aren't that great. I didn't sign up for this life at all. That is why I was trying to get advice...we are really struggling and I need to get him to help or we could lose what little we have.
> 
> I really believe in marriage so I don't want to just let that go, I divorced the other for abuse...he is a great guy except for this and but this is a great issue and its really affecting the way I feel for him...I just don't know how to get thru to him...


OK, I will have to take you at your word that the money difference is not an issue with you. I must say, though, that MOST women who say that, I believe, are lying to themselves or maybe just saying what is politically correct, and I see their respect for their husbands gradually erode. I see it being similar to the "alpha male" type threads posted all over TAM--women say they want a man who is kind, loving, a friend, etc., but in reality go for the "alpha male" jerk. In general, it has been my experience that I find that MOST (since I don't know you, I will not include you) women show an inconsistency between what they say and how they act on this salary disparity subject.

As far as what you yourself can do: well, first of all, I think that if money is really an issue (as far as not being able to make ends meet easily), you might want to see if your husband is agreeable to going to some sort of credit counselor or financial advisor. If not, try going alone and report back to him what you were told. I think it may help to introduce a neutral "3rd party" voice into some of the financial considerations of your marriage.

Secondly, it is very alarming that your respect for him is deteriorating and you now resent him. That may be a way to get him into Marriage Counseling; rather than telling him you need to go because he is "not pulling his weight," you tell him you need to go because your feelings toward him have become angry and resentful, and you need to learn as a couple how to deal with it. Undoubtedly, your husband's behavior will come up as an area. 

Although it is hard to tell from limited information in your posts, if he really is a "sweet guy", then it may be his belief that your issues over his lack of financial participation in the marriage are not real problems, and are due to incorrect beliefs or assumptions that you hold. He may not be improving because he believes there really is no problem. By introducing a neutral third party who may validate your concerns, he may be more responsive.


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## Chelle D

honestly... Don't hold your breath.

You have let him be like this. He will ALWAYS be like this. He will always take advantage of you financially , and will never Step up to the plate.

Unless you are willing to kick him to the curb, you will just have to learn to deal with it. Kicking him out will probably be the only way he will learn to be financially independent. Even then, I'd bet he goes & lives with "momma". (or a Momma figure)


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## EleGirl

Wolfman1968 said:


> I disagree with virtually everything you posted above. I am not missing any subtleties here, and actually believe that you are.
> 
> In every case I know of, the Stay-At-Home wife did not get an "agreement" before the marriage to stay at home. Most of the time, it is a unilateral decision that the husband reluctantly accedes to, in my experience. Think about it. Virtually every thread you see about a spouse "not pulling their weight" is about a husband who earns less (or none). Does it make sense to assume that in virtually every case, only husbands quit (or if they get downsized, "don't make enough effort") unilaterally, and wives always get full and enthusiastic consent? Of course not. What makes more sense is that due to the social conditioning of the traditional husband-breadwinner mindset, women are more resentful (in general) when they become the main breadwinner, and husbands are conditioned to just accept it as their lot in life.
> 
> In my case, for example, my wife worked for several years full time before unilaterally deciding to quit. We have no kids at home that needed to be cared for. She just decided we didn't need her income and it wasn't worth her stress to work.
> 
> That's why I still think the poster's biggest problem is the resentment over the changed roles. In every other aspect, the hubsand (according to the OP) is "sweet and loving."


The difference between your case and the OP's case is that you decided to accept your wife's unilateral decision to stay home.

The OP does not accept her husband’s unilateral decision to work less than full time and thus cause her to have to work 70-80 hour weeks.


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## Wolfman1968

EleGirl said:


> The difference between your case and the OP's case is that you decided to accept your wife's unilateral decision to stay home.
> 
> The OP does not accept her husband’s unilateral decision to work less than full time and thus cause her to have to work 70-80 hour weeks.


Yes that's right.

And I think that the difference between men accepting the unilateral decision of the wife to stop working and women refusing to accept a man working less (or earning less, in many cases), is that women (as a group), regardless of the "equality" statements they may say, have a subconscious expectation that men will be the greater breadwinners. That is why they complain about a situation that men are forced to accept. That is why they look down at their partners in such situations, while men typically do not.

So, one approach to the OPs situation is to complain about the spouse and denigrate him for working less. An alternative approach would be to adopt an egalitarian attitude and accept the spouse for the value as a person, rather than for their ability to earn money, as men typically do with their under-earning wives.
The choice between the two approaches will depend upon how much she values him as a spouse for his non-monetary aspects. If he really is "the sweetest person" (her words) and a great spouse otherwise, she may value this more and stay in the situation, just as many men work long hours to support a "sweet" wife at home. If money is her most important factor, then she will not value him in the long run and the relationship is doomed.


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## Corpuswife

He just isn't' acting like a responsible man. Perhaps because he hasn't had to be responsible for a family???? I'd imagine, in his past life...he got to do what he wanted without anyone questioning him or relying on him.

He isn't getting it. You need to see down with him, in a calm manner, and discuss this and how it makes you feel. Come to a compromise if possible. Ask him how he sees things..


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## frootloop

Wolfman, I totally see where you are coming from, my ex-wife also unilaterally decided not to work, constantly put off looking for jobs, etc.

However, unlike greekgirl, we *could* actually have afforded it, if she hadn't spent every waking moment thinking of ways to spend more money. In this case, greekgirl is working two jobs to keep them afloat, while his job is barely covering any expenses.

In my case, I felt it was unfair, and I feel this case is even more unfair. Your decision to allow your wife to do otherwise was your decision - you may regret it, but having greekgirl support their household without help won't change your past.


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## Wolfman1968

frootloop said:


> Wolfman, I totally see where you are coming from, my ex-wife also unilaterally decided not to work, constantly put off looking for jobs, etc.
> 
> However, unlike greekgirl, we *could* actually have afforded it, if she hadn't spent every waking moment thinking of ways to spend more money. In this case, greekgirl is working two jobs to keep them afloat, while his job is barely covering any expenses.
> 
> In my case, I felt it was unfair, and I feel this case is even more unfair. Your decision to allow your wife to do otherwise was your decision - you may regret it, but having greekgirl support their household without help won't change your past.


Well, we can afford it on just my income. so it doesn't cause any financial deprivation in our home. However, my job requires that I put in horrible, horrible hours (anywhere from 60-80 hours per week, plus frequent weekends--friday night, sat, sun through monday at 7 am, night availability with incessant phone calls, frequently having to go in, and even work to do at home for many hours per week). 

I just see so many threads where women complain about their husbands contributing less financially, whereas I can't think of any threads where husbands complain about wives contributing less. This is in the face of the reality that non-working or less-working wives are far, far, more common than similarly situated husbands. 
This typically creates resentment in the wife, which is expressed in the threads, while men don't seem to have the same kind of resentment and lack of respect for their non-working/under-working wives. While I can understand that when a husband gives up his job, a wife will be angry if this leads to financial hardship, and justifiably so; but then why don't we see angry men posting about the hardships caused by the nonworking wives? It has to occur just as often, if not more so, due to the sheer numbers of nonworking wives. I believe this assymetry is due to a difference in expectations by the sexes, which may lead to quite unfair situations in some circumstances.

So I think there are two potential problems at work in these resentful wife threads. One is financial responsibility, and this presents the same kind of problem you would see in any couple's situation where there was a money crisis. They could certainly use financial counseling. The other type of problem is resentment with the wife having to shoulder a burden that would traditionally be carried by a husband. If there is no hardship, then the resentment is often due to the wife being unable to emotionally handle a role reversal and the harboring of resentment over the responsibility of being the main breadwinner. To justify the feelings, the husband is often denigrated or demeaned out of proportion to any actual problems.

The OP herself states that the husband is "the sweetest man." Yet she harbors resentment. If the resentment is solely due to financial difficulties, they may benefit from financial counseling as a couple. If the role reversal is the bigger problem, then the OP has to decide if she is wired to respect a husband who has taken on a traditionally woman's role in the marriage. Often they will insist it is no problem, when it really is, because they don't want to appear small-minded/non-PC/etc. As I mentioned, it is akin to a woman insisting she wants a nurturing, loyal, beta man, when in reality, it's the bad boy alpha male that gets her heart fluttering.

This is a real situation in my own family. As stated, my wife does not work. My brother also does not work, and is supported by his wife. Neither couple has kids at home (ours are out of the house, brother/sister-in-law never had any). My sister-in-law and I work broadly in the same type of profession, and we each make enough to comfortably provide for a very good lifestyle. My sister-in-law and I both work unusually long hours, although the nature of my job versus hers means my hours are much, much worse. But she is not asked to shoulder worse hours than me, and actually has better control over her life than I do
However, my brother is generally regarded by others (including his in-laws) with a kind of "why can't the BUM work?" attitude, while my wife gets a "you are so lucky to be at home, I wish I had your kind of life." I think even my sister-in-law harbors some resentment, even though they in no way need the additional money. The situations are mirror-images of each other, but the nonworking spouses experience markedly different reactions from friends, family and even the working spouse.


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## EleGirl

Wolfman1968 said:


> Yes that's right.
> 
> And I think that the difference between men accepting the unilateral decision of the wife to stop working and women refusing to accept a man working less (or earning less, in many cases), is that women (as a group), regardless of the "equality" statements they may say, have a subconscious expectation that men will be the greater breadwinners. That is why they complain about a situation that men are forced to accept. That is why they look down at their partners in such situations, while men typically do not.


Many men do not accept a wife’s unilateral decision to stop working. There have been many threads here on exactly that topic. Threads from me who are extremely upset and ready to leave their wives for making that decision. In this country most married women work outside the home. 30% of married women earn as much as or more than their husbands. So obviously it’s not the norm for wives to stay home, much less to make such huge decisions unilaterally.

Just because you went along with your wife making that kind of decision does not mean that most men do. Just because you wife made a unilateral decision and forced you to accept her decision does not mean that most women would do something like that to their husband. The fact is that while you and your wife did not originally agree to her not working, she pushed the issue and you did eventually agree to her not working.

Most men now expect their wives to work even after having children.

What makes your post to me, as though you know everything about how women think, very funny is that I am a high earner woman who has been the major and usually sole income earner of my family for decades. I had no clue that all of this is how I was supposed to be thinking.

I also work with many high income women who are either sole earners or who make more than their husbands… I’ve never heard any of them voice what you think women are thinking.

One statistic that we have heard here a lot is that when a wife earns more than her husband he’s something like 50% more likely to cheat on her. Sounds to me like maybe it’s the guys who have an ego problem?



Wolfman1968 said:


> So, one approach to the OPs situation is to complain about the spouse and denigrate him for working less. An alternative approach would be to adopt an egalitarian attitude and accept the spouse for the value as a person, rather than for their ability to earn money, as men typically do with their under-earning wives.


This is a woman who is working 70-80 hours a week to support the family. She is asking your husband to please take some of the load off of her. And you call that denigrating him? You have got to be kidding me.

I would say the same thing to a woman who leads the easy life and makes her husband work 70-80 hours a week at a job that that affecting his health.

He does not do the lion’s share of the work around the house as a woman in his position would be expect to do. He does what he wants and nothing more. 

This man is not the father of her children. She needs to be able to work the hours she worked as a single mom so that SHE can parent her children.



Wolfman1968 said:


> The choice between the two approaches will depend upon how much she values him as a spouse for his non-monetary aspects.


A married couple is a team. They have to work together to make the marriage and family work. This guy is not working with her. What would happen if she adopted his attitude and just decided to work full time and play most of the time? 



Wolfman1968 said:


> If he really is "the sweetest person" (her words) and a great spouse otherwise, she may value this more and stay in the situation, just as many men work long hours to support a "sweet" wife at home. If money is her most important factor, then she will not value him in the long run and the relationship is doomed.


He’s really not a sweet person. Any spouse, male or female, would not allow their spouse to work 70-80 hours a week at a job that was making them sick all the while living a life of leisure is not being a sweet person. He's certainly not caring about her. This is why she is getting to be resentful of him. Because he is not being sweet to her at all.

In today’s society, whether or not a husband or wife does not work is not dictated by society. It’s decided upon by the couple… not unilaterally by one spouse.


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## *LittleDeer*

Wolfman1968 said:


> I disagree with virtually everything you posted above. I am not missing any subtleties here, and actually believe that you are.
> 
> In every case I know of, the Stay-At-Home wife did not get an "agreement" before the marriage to stay at home. Most of the time, it is a unilateral decision that the husband reluctantly accedes to, in my experience. Think about it. Virtually every thread you see about a spouse "not pulling their weight" is about a husband who earns less (or none). Does it make sense to assume that in virtually every case, only husbands quit (or if they get downsized, "don't make enough effort") unilaterally, and wives always get full and enthusiastic consent? Of course not. What makes more sense is that due to the social conditioning of the traditional husband-breadwinner mindset, women are more resentful (in general) when they become the main breadwinner, and husbands are conditioned to just accept it as their lot in life.
> 
> In my case, for example, my wife worked for several years full time before unilaterally deciding to quit. We have no kids at home that needed to be cared for. She just decided we didn't need her income and it wasn't worth her stress to work.
> 
> That's why I still think the poster's biggest problem is the resentment over the changed roles. In every other aspect, the hubsand (according to the OP) is "sweet and loving."


Not true.

Studies show that most women who stay at home do the majority of the house work and child rearing and so do women who work outside the home.

Some women do not pull their weight at home, but those that don't are frowned upon.

Most men want to go out and work and do not want to stay at home, some of those tat I have known that wanted to thought it would be a great so they could x box all day. That's hardly taking care of your responsibilities.

Moreover my fiance wants me to be a stay at home mum. He has shown zero desire to stay home. I think he would hate it if I wanted him to stay home and it's definitely not something he would be happy with.

If I married him and we both agreed to work and one of us suddenly didn't pull their weight then that is a problem. 

Also it often makes sense for women to stay home with children being that they statistically earn less etc And men are allways complaining that women aren't feminine enough, not traditional enough, yet want to tear them down for being a SAHM .


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## Wolfman1968

OK. I'm out of this thread.

Although I have personally seen the disrespect that stay-at-home and underemployed dads and husbands receive, and remain convinced that this is not in any way an area in which egalitarianism between the sexes is practiced to the level it is preached, it is clear that my feelings are so strong on this topic based on the disrespect I have witnessed heaped on my brother and other male friends, that this back and forth posting is in danger of becoming a distraction to the OPs initial purposes.

Whereas initially I thought I could offer an alternative or even additional possible viewpoint on why she might have her feelings, I feel that further participation will not aid the OPs cause.

I will bow out at this point.


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## EleGirl

Wolfman. I do not have a double standard. IMO a woman who makes the unilateral dicision to stay home and not work is doing something very wrong.

A woman who does not work adn does not maintain the home, etc is not filling her responsibilities just as a man who stays home and does not maintain the home.

Most women would agree with this in the case of both men and women who do this. Just because you think we are not fair in our way of thinking does not make it so.

The fact that people you know accept that your wife did what she does but do not accept when your BIL does the same thing can speak for themselves. They are not speaking for the all of the women, or even most of the women, on this forum on at large.

To be honest, with the little bit you have told us of your wife and your BIL I do not respect what they have done at all. But they are not in my life so it does not affect me.

My lazy a$$ husband does affect me every day of my life.


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## MaritimeGuy

EleGirl said:


> IMO a woman who makes the unilateral dicision to stay home and not work is doing something very wrong.


I agree. 

I don't believe either side has the right to make a decision like that. There are times when it makes sense for one side to stay home (i.e. earning power is low and signicant responsibilities at home). That decision needs to be made as a couple though. A person can't just expect their significant other to support them. It needs to be a mutual decision.


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