# I have been cheated on and... what now?



## rosaliee (Dec 27, 2012)

I have been with my partner for over 6 years now. I am 25 and he is 42. I was in love with him and I loved him, like there was no tomorrow. We have had our rough patches and bad days, but it's life right? One day somebody has sent me a message on fb saying that my partner has been having an affair with a woman from our circle of friends. I have confronted him with the message, he replied ''whaaaat?'' and texted her and apparently she replied ''fuming!''... hehe. I did not want to start an argument as his children were staying with us and they did not need to see any of what was to come. I love them dearly, we are very close.. they have seen their parents fight (my partner and his ex-wife) and seen how their relationship fell apart, I was not going to put them through it again. I waited, frozen and unable to move. They have left, he came and told me that he did in fact sleep with HER. I went absolutely crazy. I left and stayed with a friend for the night. I had to go to work in the morning, only managed to do 5 hrs work and broke down and went home. When I came home, my partner was there, wanting to kill himself. We talked and he told me he was depressed and he wanted to die and to not leave him. He begged. He begged and cried, I have never seen him like that before. I told him we'll try. It has been over two months now. I have quit my job, so I could be there with him and to find a job with hours which would allow me to spend evenings at home. I have sent a letter to HER, never helped, never made me feel better. I have done everything I could to not think about it. To focus on him, us. To help him. I still do not know WHY. He says he lost sight. I am also now infected with HPV type 2. I only ever slept with my partner and my first boyfriend (to whom I was the first girl he slept with). My partner has cheated on his previous partners. I thought he would never do that to me, that what we had was special. I was in love and I loved him so much. Sex life was great, I can cook, I am educated, I speak few languages, I have lots of hobbies, had a well paid job-stressfull and little bit consuming but I was on a good path, I am not afraid of change, new stuff, was always open to try new things, I am affectionate and I needed him. And then BANG! She is a low life. Everything I am not. Married woman, in her 30s, with children and crappy job, greasy hair and fat behind. 

So... I want to leave. He wont let me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me and that everything will change. He has now became a Christian and am happy for him to have had found the path. I want him to be happy, I want him to have friends and hobbies and be sociable and live a life. I think he is better now. I am not. I just keep thinking of packing my bags and going far, far away from here. I have never been like this before. I love him, I really really do but something inside me has died. I am pretending to be happy for him, so he can pick himself up and put himself back together. How do I make him let me go? I must get away. I must clear my head and be ME again. I feel trapped. I know hes trying and he wants to be better. He took a part of me though and thrown it away and now it is gone. I am afraid that he will hurt himself if I leave. I could not live with guilt like that. To think I could have stopped it and if i didnt that I somewhat would be responsible for taking away a father from his children. 

I just want to be on my own, to find myself again..


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## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

Has given you an STD.
Cheated on you, and multiple partners before.
Has kids

The guy is just too much baggage for someone like you to deal with.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are doing everything HE should be doing. STOP IT. Right now.

He needs to send her a no contact letter. He needs to leave. He needs to beg you to stay with him. He needs counseling. HE should be focusing on YOU!

PLEASE read the Newbie link in my signature. You're doing pretty much EVERYTHING wrong here. GET MAD at him. Kick him out. Make him sweat. Make him be sorry. Make him think it's over between you.

If he does hurt himself then that's on HIM. By thinking it would be your fault, he's GOT you. You are in his power and he's calling all the shots. Look up the term gaslighting - it's what cheaters do to make their betrayed spouse think everything is their fault. 

When he's ready to admit he did REALLY wrong and do whatever it takes to win you back, THEN talk to him. 

The guy gave you a life threatening disease!!!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Look Miss, you're young, you have plenty of time. When you are 35 he will be 52. Find yourself a young man who would really love to be faithful to you, work for you, all on top of the obvious, who would really love you.

You are not even married. You have no children. Take this as a your little boost to lift off into single land where there are plenty of better things for you.

You deserve better, you need better, you will find better.

Don't worry about him, leave and do not look back. He won't kill himself. Please trust in the fact that it will get better, give yourself a withdrawal from him. He is practically the only man you know and that does make it even more difficult. You can do it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He's a serial cheater
An ungrateful partner
A piss-poor father
A manipulater

Fall to your knees and thank God Almighty you are not married to this wreck of a human being

Give yourself a real opportunity at discovering what a real relationship looks like. It looks nothing like what you have.

In ten years you will not even remember what he looked like or what you ever saw in him.

In ten years he will have gone through 5 or 6 more affairs with married women and two or three more wives.

Want to do something good before you leave? Tell the husband of your partner's OW. Its the right thing to do. The decent thing to do.

Be good to yourself.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

:iagree:


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## rosaliee (Dec 27, 2012)

Thank you all for yor replies. I really appreciate it.

It is just so hard. I always thought of myself as a strong, independent and confident woman. Right now I dont feel any of it though. I am a wreck of a human being. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I just want to breathe again and be by myself. I know you guys said to just leave him, but if 'just leaving' someone was this easy, I would have done it ages ago. There is so much baggage, so much that we have and it seems impossible to just walk away. Why am I afraid of leaving him? Why can't I just say that 'this is it!' ?

I really thought I could get through this, that we could work on things and it would get better. Like I said before, things are getting better for him. He is waiting for counselling, which does not start until March. He has been prescribed anti depressants but decided to try to make himself better by changing his mindset first. He is not in touch with the OW, although after I have found out I had to point it out to him to delete her off facebook and to delete her number of his phone. He never offered any passwords and stuff like that, I only asked once to look at his phone and he let me. I don't think I want to know his passwords because if there is more for me to find out, I honestly do not think I could handle it. The OW mother had told me that her daughter was not the only one that my partner has slept with. She gave me names, out of two, only one has told me that it is not true,the other one would not reply. So I confronted my partner about the other one, let's call her Liz, he said that nothing had happened between them but that Liz wanted for something to happen. So all I have, are his words.

And thats all it is, isnt it? Broken promises, words that mean nothing. I wish it was two years from now, it would all be long gone.

xx


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> When I came home, my partner was there, wanting to kill himself. We talked and he told me he was depressed and he wanted to die and to not leave him


manipulation. This is absolutely manipulation. This is how victims continue in abusive relationships. Infidelity is abuse.

Please leave the relationship. This man is 42 and is absolutely immature and manipulative..

That woman might not be the only one he cheated with. He is a serial cheater . He will also cheat on you again and will threaten suicide again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He doesn't love you. HE did cheat on you, he did cheat on previous partners, and now he's given you an very serious STD.

Even if you drive off this OW, you're partner will just find another one, or he will be good for a bit and then go chase this OW when things cool down.

Look, you're 25 and he's 42. That's a terrible age gap. Even if you stay with him now, he's going to leave you alone when he's dead and you're still in your prime in the 20-30 years. 

Get out now. Get treated for the STD ASAP.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Read this post from another woman who wasted 6 years on a serial cheater. Some behaviors match. You think you can change him but you cannot.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59347-exs-opposite-sexes-3.html#post1310473


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59347-exs-opposite-sexes-3.html#post1311210



> The point of all this is, I never thought I'd be this woman. Not ME. I thought I was too smart, too educated, too feminist, too surrounded by great friends and family to end up in an abusive relationship and to actually ACCEPT that relationship and fight tooth and nail to save it and change it. He said all the right things and made me feel so loved and special and irreplaceable, that even when his actions said otherwise, I wanted to believe they were all just mistakes and that underneath it all, he really DID live me more than anything in the world.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thinking about it, he was 36 when he hooked up with a 19 year old girl. OP, you might need to come to the realization that he was cheating on you for a long time


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Rosaliee,

Deep down inside you know that what has been said is what you already thought of doing but can't. A pity it is that he seems to not be able to help himself but do not be held back by false compassion. You do not owe him. On the contrary, since you are young and he is such a wreck he should let you go. If he REALLY loved you, he would let you go and not put you through this. 

It is really hard to leave, but your mind is set. Remember that love is in the mind, serotonin produced from the raphe nuclei, testosterone receptors deep in the hypothalamus, dopamine, the limbic system etc.

You need withdrawal. It is a sad case but don't plan a future with him.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> He doesn't love you. HE did cheat on you, he did cheat on previous partners, and now he's given you an very serious STD.
> 
> Even if you drive off this OW, you're partner will just find another one, or he will be good for a bit and then go chase this OW when things cool down.
> 
> ...


I agree with shaggy.

I will say do not worry too much about your HPV. Don't hastily have any relations with anyone because even condoms do not really work against preventing the transmittal of hpv. 50% of women contract it, and if you are accustomed to living a healthy life and have a normal immune system you'll be able to come out of that naturally in a couple years.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Serial cheaters never change. You are young enough to have a great life with a man who will love and treasure you.

Leave his immature, selfish @ss!


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## rosaliee (Dec 27, 2012)

He is like a drug to me , I know it.

I have now found out from 'Liz' that he tried it on with her and he kissed her and she did not go with it because she was married and she knew he was with me. When I asked him about her two months ago, he just reversed the story and said that it was her who tried it on with him. 

I should have known, but love truly does make you blind.

Why do people do it? I gave him everything and more! Why?

I had seen a doctor about my STD. He came up clean because he hasnt got any sores so he cant get tested for it. Now I have to live with it for the rest of my life!!! It would not bother me if I slept around, but for goodness sake!

Now I just need to tell him that I am going to move out. I have a friend who will help me. I know he will beg and please and cry. I need to set my mind right...


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Here is a little perspective from another guy who is the same age as this meathead. I am a faithful, loving soon to be husband and father. The age difference in this day and age is considered cliche by most. You not being married to this person, coupled with an std, should send you out the door, never to look back. There are plenty of good men out there who would give you the world based on what you have said here. This is an unhealthy relationship that will have more downs than ups. You are young and have quite a few years to find that special someone, he is not it. Cut your losses, chalk it up to experience and tell yourself this is what unhappy looks like. I don't know about you, but I am all about being happy, at this point in my life. Listen to what these good people are saying to you. At a minimum there is a couple hundred years of relationship experience telling you to find that special someone, elsewhere. IMHO he is using your inexperience to his advantage, uncool. This is not what a gentleman does. Best of luck to you, I hope I have helped you, because it appears that is what is needed here. P.S. when you do leave, say nothing just keep packing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

1 it has never been shown here that a serial cheater has been able to stop cheating. It's hardwired in their brain. They can not fathom true love.

2 he will be humping someone else before you get out the door. He already has 
A list.

3 he will never commit suicide and miss out on all those skanks.

4 run like lightning from this diseased death trap. The next disease he brings home may be worse.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

You are in a codependent relationship. You are codependent! Please get help, you need to leave him. 

Do you have any friends or family who can help you move? You need counseling to deal with this. You are more concerned about him than you are about yourself.

This man is 42 years old and he's acting like an teenager. You are obviously the mature one in the relationship. 

Get out!! And never look back. Years from now you will thank your lucky stars for leaving him.


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## rosaliee (Dec 27, 2012)

Silverlining... it struck me, what you wrote. I have looked into it a little bit more... and it is ME. All traits and behaviours are mine. It is very strange indeed when, you read a description of what is essentialy a disorder, and it all fits and you realise you are reading description of yourself.

I am moving out, although he still says he wants me to stay and wants to fix things. I have stated to him, that I am moving out because I have to think about myself, for once in my life. I have been staying at my friends houses and when I am away, everything gos away. All nightmares stop, I can relax and just be. I came back home last night and he was drunk and thrown me out, he took my key and told me to go... at 7am in the morning on New Years Day. I went back to my friends house and later on in the evening I got text of him saying to come back so we could talk. We have talked and I said to him that I am going, that I have to if I am to ever get better. He just keeps saying that he will make me feel better and as stupid and ridiculous it sounds, there is still a part of me that falls for it. I dont know how he can give me that false sense of security of some sort, but I am fightining it because it clouds my judgement. Being here and with him clouds my judgement, suddenly I am in dark vortex, getting sucked into all of it again.

Thank you all for your posts, Internet is such a wonderful thing!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

rosaliee said:


> Silverlining... it struck me, what you wrote. I have looked into it a little bit more... and it is ME. All traits and behaviours are mine. It is very strange indeed when, you read a description of what is essentialy a disorder, and it all fits and you realise you are reading description of yourself.
> 
> I am moving out, although he still says he wants me to stay and wants to fix things. I have stated to him, that I am moving out because I have to think about myself, for once in my life. *I have been staying at my friends houses and when I am away, everything gos away. All nightmares stop, I can relax and just be.* I came back home last night and he was drunk and thrown me out, he took my key and told me to go... at 7am in the morning on New Years Day. I went back to my friends house and later on in the evening I got text of him saying to come back so we could talk. We have talked and *I said to him that I am going, that I have to if I am to ever get better. * He just keeps saying that he will make me feel better and as stupid and ridiculous it sounds, *there is still a part of me that falls for it. I dont know how he can give me that false sense of security of some sort, but I am fightining it because it clouds my judgement. Being here and with him clouds my judgement, suddenly I am in dark vortex, getting sucked into all of it again.*
> 
> Thank you all for your posts, Internet is such a wonderful thing!


Rosaliee - it is great you are recognizing the bolded parts above. It means you are starting to recognize he is bad for your inner self. 

The more you go NC and stay away, the more you will start to get out of the dark vortex. Stay strong. You can do this. 

He doesn't deserve you. And you deserve someone who will love and treasure you and not put you or the marriage second.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Don't worry too much about it, don't think too much about it, don't daydream or wonder about it. 

Leave. This is a for sure thing, you will be happier.

Being with him only provides ephemeral pleasure. Leave him and feel a little pain, some withdrawal difficulties and move on to something more "serious". Don't see him in person again.


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