# confuse & depress



## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

I have been with the father of my children for 20 years. high school sweethearts. We have had our ups and downs more downs then ups. We have had our problems such us immaturity, jeoulusy, cheating in the past. I left him four years ago. We were seperated for 7months we were miserable so we moved back in together. My second child was born and now after 4 years and when I thought our realtionship was in a better place. We are back down in our worst time.. I think it is more me because he seems to be acting like nothing is wrong and if we argue it is my fault. The problem now is that he started going out AGAIn and stays out til 1-4 am he doesnt answer his phone when I call and when he comes he acts like he did not do anything wrong he got drunk and slept in the car. This weekend I had a panic attack I feel like something is going on with him He is distant and he doesnt answer his phone anymore. So i decided to calll his job for the very first time. I introduced myself as his wife. He wasnt in the building at the time I called. He called me hours later asking what have i said when i called and I said to speak to him. Then he said "no but you say you were my wife"? and I went off on him tllng him he had no right questioning me why I said I was his wife. We have never gotten married. He told me straight out over the phone. Because you are not. I told him that if I was no more then a roomate to him after 20yrs to get his stuff and leave. Well he has not left and he acts like nothing is wrong. NOW I DNT KNW WHAT TO DO SHOULD I KICK HIM OUT OF MY LIFE AFTER 20YRS. I REALLY DO FEEL LIKE i cant be without him but cant be with him either after what he said. I HAVE THE WORST ANXIETY ATTACKS everymorning eventhough he still here. AND MY HEART IS ACHING i dont know what decision to make.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

I am so confuse and cant make a decision. I am extremely depress. I hate to think that our relationship is over. I hate to think that after 20yrs I mean nothing to him. I am soo dependent on him it is killing me. Feel terribly sick. The more I see him here with me the more depress I get. I feel weak. As stupid as it sounds I see no future without him and no future with him. What shoudl I do with this terrible ANXIETY/PANICK ATTACKS everymorning.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You could start by seeing a professional to get some medication for the anxiety and panic attacks. As far as your marriage/relationship goes, it sounds like there's a whole lot of issues. Have you guys ever done any counseling? 

Typically, you can't just "kick someone out" if they don't want to leave. He has just as much right to be in the home as you do. How old are your kids? Are you employed?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You need to go see a mental health counsellor. There are free/low-cost ones listed in your YELLOW PAGES or you can call your city's Health Department. Tell them your situation and ask for a recommendation on who you can talk to.

This situation is VERY unhealthy and I believe your BF is cheating on you. You need to decide what YOU need to do in the best interests of yourself and your children. When you are stronger (and that won't be for a few months) you can decide THEN what to do about your BF.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes when you've spoken to a professional.

(hug)

BTW: Your BF reminds me of a guy I used to work with. He was living with a woman and they were raising their children together, but they were not married. He had women calling at our place of business ALL DAY LONG. He was hitting on me (not that I would EVER have been interested in him). One day his GF called and left a phone message while he was out. She asked him to call 'his wife' back. When he got the message, he got all whacked out ..."SHE'S not my wife!" I thought, well, she's living in your house and raising your children; what the hell would YOU call her???

He was using the fact that she wasn't his LEGAL WIFE to excuse his flirting/hitting on/cheating with other women. Oh, did I mention he was a "deacon" in his church...he was just "counselling" all these hot, young women who kept stopping by and calling. Yeah, right!


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

My boy will be 15 and my daughter will be 4 in a month. I am employed and i have been the one who has supported our family 70% of the time. I JUST CANT COPE WITH THIS PAIN and ANXIETY i made an appointment but they dont have anything til the 30th. I feel like my world just ended. SO CONFUSE...


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

I am here 7am in the morning. THe anxiety attacks again. I can cope with the feeling. I want to be strong but it is hard. Last night I went to church to feel a little bttr. MY BF came from work and did not find me. He kept calling me n I did not answer. SO he started txt me "I am leaving" I got home and he started threating me that he was leaving. Now he is threating me that he is leaving for any little reason. Now there will be a party at his family house next week. he told me abt it n when i said i was gng to go. he got upset and started to put me down. I knw i sound stupid. But take a note that I have been with this guy for 20yrs. it really hurts..


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

So anybody has an idea how to start getting mad and not sad. I have been with this guy for 20 years. He has lied, cheated, stop me from doing the things i want to do. Made me loose my soul and smile. Now that he is acting like he is not intersted in me at all. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS.. WHY CANT I LET GO!!!


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Update. So I was going through soo much pain that I decided to just walk away. I left to my sisters for two days I was relaxed for two days. But I had to come back to reality. I spoke to him and told him that if he did not love me to just pack his stuff and leave. He said he loved me but that he just did not know.. I was hurt and angry. How can he love me and not know after 20yrs. He just kept telling me I DO NOT KNOW... So we made him leave. My sister told him you are about to loose your family are you not going to fight for them. He reply I will leave so i can come back a better men. So he left Sunday came and nothing In the middle of the night he comes knocking and he forced his way in. he told me how he wanted to come back and do right for us.. I said ok. The next morning he started again with "so what is going to happen" and i said what do you mean and AGAIN he started with "i dont know" "will see" is been two days and he still with the same words. HE LOVES ME BUT I DONT KNOW. I dont know what to do i tell him to leave and he doesnt leave but I just dont hear the words i want to hear. "I LOVE YOU I WILL DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES FOR US TO MAKE IT WORK." NO!! i feel like he is just there and any minute he will walk away again. PLEASE ANYONE GIVE ME YOUR OPINION to what is going on with him I TELL HIM IF YOU LOVE ME THEN WHAT IS IT?? he doesnt say anything.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Sweetie, it sounds as if you may be living with an alcoholic and if that is the case, what you are hoping for is not going to happen while he is out drinking. It also sounds as if he has some serious intimacy issues, probably caused by an over inflated ego and inferiority complex. But you know what, this is not about him right now. This is about you because you are a train wreck and you know it. While you can fully blame your relationship for this sorry state, it sounds as if it's come to the point where you need to take your life into your hands, no blaming, no excuses, I know it's HARD, but you have to do this for you and your children.

You MUST get yourself together and get healthy for you. This is not about whether you are with him or not. He is not going to leave you or he would have left by now so stressing about that is just something to keep you busy with so he can do whatever he wants and it is really cruel of him to do that to you - but YOU - get that thought out of your head whether he leaves or not because you can see - he has not left. Get your focus off fixing your relationship and put it on fixing YOU. 

All those other answers that you are so confused about will start to come clear when YOU start to get healthy and are taking care of yourself instead of obsessing over your relationship. Let him deal with himself for now and you do what you need to do to get over all the anxiety and depression you are going through. You can't be any good at all to your children in this state. My thoughts is that your children are really suffering when you are so ill from these problems and your boyfriend is out running around like a single man instead of at home trying to raise his family. 

So, dear, YOU first, children second and stop even worrying about him until you feel strong and healthy first, do you think you can do that?


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

P.S. I also meant to say that there is no need for you to make any decision at all right now, so that is something else to stop stressing about - after 20 years, six months to get yourself in shape and THEN make a difference is no time at all.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Mindful Coach thank you sooooo much for your kind advice. Yes it has been three weeks of hell. My mind cant stop thinking about it... You are right my children deserve me more.. It is hard I cant lie.. Seeing him home and not knowing what will be my future. Soo many questions that I dont have answers for.. He has me soo mind controlled even my family sees is. It has affected me at work. It has affected me body and soul.. In regards to drinking not sure.. I sometimes think and feel that with him being soo confuse could it be drugs another girl. It hurts to think that he just stopped loving me because eventhough he says he does is that "i don know or but" that is killing me in back of my mind. And also i think I CANT HAVE HIM THERE FOR CONVINIENCE only. He doest leave because he has no other place to go.. SO EITHER WAY it hurts...


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Of course it hurts, he has you on a string and you are allowing it in hopes of a reconciliation, but all he is doing is jerking you around every which way until your health is being ruined and what will be left of you? Let him know you find it unattractive for a father and long term partner to act with so little conviction and then ignore him. Be pleasant, but go your own way and start taking care of yourself. I guarantee you, not only will you start to feel better, but he will start to treat you differently. At first, he may act worse than he has been because those arrows he's throwing at your heart are going to seem ineffective, but then he is going to realize something. He is going to see that you are strong, that you are going out of your way to be a great parent, that you are taking care of yourself the way you truly deserve. At that point, he's either going to get to with the program, or you will realize you have become disgusted with putting up with the problems. Either way - You Win. Have one good long cry if you still need to, then pull up your big girl panties, put on some lipstick and get on with living a great life that YOU create for yourself and your children - they need that and so do you.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Thank you Mindful Coach. I got into another argument with him again last night. he is acting very immature.. I actually went to see my doctor since I get very ill in the mornings. It is like an addiction.. They gave me ZOLOFT however another thing to stress. This cause you to gain weight.. And the way I look right now i am not too happy about.. More weight will be a disaster.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Suggestion-So this weekend my BF family is having a wedding 5 hours away from where we live and I also work. Now some of my friends say I am stupid for letting him go by himself. BUT AT THIS POINT does it really matter.. Could this be a check mark formyself to act like i dont care and let him go.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> to act like i dont care and let him go


There is no point in 'acting' like you don't care. In your own mind, try to deal in FACTS as you see them. Base your decisions on what is best for YOU in the long-run (5yrs, 10yrs, 20yrs from now) and what is best for YOUR CHILDREN in the long-run. You either 'care' or you 'don't care'...which is it?

If you're done with the lying, immaturity, jealousy and cheating, if you're done with the snide comments about how you're NOT his wife (no, you've just lived as one for the last TWENTY YEARS), if you're done with the staying out til 4am (cheating again?), if you're tired of him taking you for granted, then LET HIM GO. Let him go ALONE to the wedding this weekend. LET HIM GO out of your life. LET HIM GO out of your heart. You *don't* love this man, you love either the man he USED to be (and hasn't been in YEARS) or you love the IDEA of WHAT YOU TWO COULD HAVE BEEN (but never achieved.) *Look at who he is today. Look at how he treats you. Look at how he treats your children.* Do you love HIM?

Your son is 15yo. What kind of role model has your husband been to him on how to behave as a MAN. Would you want your son to act like him when he grows up? What kind of a role model has your husband been as a husband? What kind of role model have you been as a wife? Would you want YOUR son to have a marriage just like this one in 10 more years? If you don't show him anything BETTER, then THIS is EXACTLY what your son will expect marriage to be like. And this is how he'll act. And he'll expect his wife (mother of HIS children) to accept it. Looking pretty good to you, or not so much????

Since you earn 70% of the family income, a separation/divorce will be less of a financial burden for you than for many wives. Spend this weekend (while hubby is gone to the wedding) figuring out how YOU can make a new life work for you and your children. Promise yourself that you WILL show them a HAPPY, HEALTHY family life so THEY will, in turn, show THEIR children the same thing in the coming years.

Get started this weekend; don't put it off. Start figuring out the financials, whether you're staying in the home and hubby is moving out (or vice versa), Google whether your state is a no-fault divorce state, find out how long it takes to get a divorce (lots of info on the internet.)

Good luck and I hope you and your children will move on to a brighter future. But, ultimately, the choice is yours alone.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

I agree with Slowly Getting Wiser. You have a lot to think about and this would be a great time to do it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Just read the 'no-fault' divorce comment I made. Sorry! Even *I* think of you as his 'wife'.

Find out if 'common-law marriage' applies in your state (probably NOT.) Find out from an attorney what YOUR legal rights are with regard to the children, visitation, finances, etc.

Good luck!


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Thanks you for your kind words. Unfortunately I am not coping with this seperation/situation thing ok. I feel terrible sick.. He still at home but I just feel sooo depress.. I feel that our relationship is fake. I cant deal with the emotions.. I know everyone keeps telling me to focus on me. But i cant I cant handle the pain.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

You are welcome. Are you in counseling? If not get into counseling. If you think you are going to hurt yourself, call the suicide hotline. You must get your mind off the pain and the loss and focus on your children and taking care of yourself. This is something you do moment by moment, when the pain creeps up and your mind starts thinking all the thoughts that cause more pain, direct it back to matters at hand - stay busy and distract yourself. No one is dead or bleeding and while you may feel like you are dying from how painful this all is - today you are alive. Today you have the opportunity to show your children that you love them and that you are going to make the best decisions from yourself and for them. Today you have choices, choose what you CAN handle.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Midful Coach thank you sooo much. I just cant believe after soo many years of me forgiving him and taking care of him. He can just stop loving me.. He has a new phone and he calls blocking his number.. I feel like that is such a slap in the face. But I cant be mad... I get soo depress. I tell him to leave but he does not.. I cant live like this. Either way i am in such great pain


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

You're welcome hun. Get an attorney and get his butt out. I know you don't want him to go, but him staying the way he is just makes it harder on you. Once he's gone, you can work on getting over him and moving on with your life - OR - he doesn't really want to leave and will straighten up when he gets his walking papers, but personally I would say good riddance.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

So last night he comes and starts giving me the guilty treatment. Started accusing me of how I always go to sleep and dont do anything. He just cant understand that when i get a 4 hour sleep he gets an 8 hour sleep. I take care of the kids, chores, bills. He starts telling me how I treated him. But when he was the one cheating, staying out late. No job for months, jeolusy. How was I suppose to feel and show him love when all he was doing was hurting me. Now he wants to take a trip with his family and wants me to help him $$. The rent is due today and he does not take that into consideration. When I said I couldnt he starts getting upset. I woke up feeling very depress and kind of guilty maybe if i could of done something different he wouldnt have stopped loving me. BUT I THINK omg what else does he want from me. WHAT????


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

When i said he wants to take a family trip. I meant him and his family. Not me nor his kids.. They are going to visit their grandma in another country.. He says that when I went to visit my family he did not say anything. Oh yes he did . he made me go through hell before i left.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Why did you accept the guilty treatment? He does nothing, you do everything. He does not deserve to feel your love. He is a selfish cheater that is bilking you for every last dime and anything else he feels like taking and you are nothing but a huge pushover for more abuse. 

YOU are allowing it because at one time you thought his love was worth it. It's really time to wake up honey and I don't mean to sound harsh but if I were your sister I would probably want to go over there and kick your butt right now because you and your children are living in hell and putting up with it. HE IS A JERK - is that what you want for your kids? I think you'd tell them to run for the hills away from this ridiculous mess you now find yourself in.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's time to put it out there. NO MONEY from you NO MATTER WHAT. You are providing him with a roof over his head, food and taking care of HIS children, you are doing far too much for someone that is doing nothing from you.

Honestly, he may never love you again, but at least you can get some respect back by standing up for yourself and your children. As I said before, contact an attorney and get him out of your life. IF after he is on his own taking care of himself, going to counseling, not drinking and acting like a playboy and some significant time has passed, then consider letting him EARN your love back if you want that, but in the meantime set an example for your children about what it is to be strong and create a life that you all deserve that is filled with respect and happiness.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Minful Coach you are completely right. I am just not able to take that step. I dont know what is holding me back. I am in sooo much pain. I cant function right.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Can't, or won't? And, what step can/will you take?


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Oh, something you might want to think about. If this man was coming to kill your children, what would you be able to do then? Think about that for a few minutes. 

This whole situation is killing your children's spirits and setting them up for some really challenging times in their future. It's not about you anymore sweetie, if you love your children, you need to put your own wants aside and protect their mental health and well being.

This man wants to take the rent money to go off with his family leaving you and the children on your own with what - the potential of being evicted and homeless while he parties it up in another country. Come on, wake up, please - if not for you, for those kids of yours.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

You are 100% right. Is now about my kids and not me nor him. They need a happy and stronger mom. This guy has broken her spirit and is time to bring her back. I started my therapy and hopefully I am able to get stronger and pulled away from this abusive, unhappy, unhealthy relationship. THank you for all your advise


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I am glad you are in therapy. I hope it is going well.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

This is the best news I've heard all day! Please keep us up to date, you are climbing a mountain now, there will be rough patches, but the view when you get to the top will be AWESOME.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

So this morning he got his stuff n left he said because im always kicking him out he said he loved me n that when he comes back we will work thngs out I knw that is jst bull n it hurts alot tryng to make it through d day but is hard
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Now you have time to have a break and start to get your life together for you and your kids. You might want to have all of his stuff packed and in a storage facility, and change the keys. When he comes back, have a key to his storage shed waiting and do not allow him into the house. I know its hard and it hurts, but stay focused on this present moment and when you think of the future, think about it in terms of the opportunities you have to enjoy life with your children.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Hi there,
It has been very tough. But trying to make it through. I just want to keep telling myself is really over. He txt me last night saying how he loved me and he will come back to his family. But yet he decided to leave on Saturday when he had all kinds of plans to go out and have his fun. Did not tried to contact me until last night (Sunday) He will be leaving tomorrow to his little fun trip and i am stuck with all the responsibilities the house seems empty and depress. I HOPE I GET THROUGH THIS..


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

You will get through this if you decide to get through this. Write a list of what you deserve that is better than what you are getting now and make yourself a promise to get that from now on. Things for that list that come to mind for me is respect, kindness, being cared for and about, receiving as much as you give.

Then focus on what your children deserve too and make that happen for them. They deserve a strong happy mother who is an example of how to go after what she wants in life that is HEALTHY and nourishing, not this situation that drains you of your very spirit.

You can do it and yet it's hard, the best things in life don't come as easily as we would like them to, but they will come and you can see that when you see your children starting to act happier and healthier as you regain your own health and strength.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

Im here on mothers day feeling a little sad thinking how this man that I loved n gave everything could wAlk away so easily. How he said we needed time off when that is all he was having always thinking about himself n not his family.
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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

So he came home last night crying his lungs out that he missed me m loved me n d kids to forgive him n he wld do whtevr to change this morning I woke up throwing up n cryng I know deep in my heart thAt he is lyieng n will nvr make me happy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

I came to my sisters house n he broke in my house he said if I dnt go home.he will break all stuff
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

So im here still depress m confuse he is back home but I feel worst then before why cant I jst move on with my life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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