# Coping with depression & infidelity



## Lucy-Jane Light (Oct 27, 2009)

About 2 and half years ago my husband became quite despondent about his job and decided he needed something new. After discussion he decided to apply for an overseas role which used his existing skills in a new way. He worked abroad for a year and all was well. (I, too work full time and have 2 children so it was pretty manic but it worked!). Once this role finished he applied for another one, also abroad. This time the role didn't work out. He became increasingly depressed and I spent the first few months of this year out of my mind with worry as I couldn't support him well from a distance but recognised he was having some sort of breakdown. In June his contract was terminated, he came home - a complete mess and told me that for the last couple of months he'd started an affair as he was so desperately unhappy and friendship / support had led from one thing to another.

We decided to try and make a go of everything and actually had a pretty good summer. Last week he had to go back to his original role. The last month things have become increasingly difficult as he has slipped back into more of a depressed state. The problem is I have found it icreasingly difficult to support him. It's as if the shock of everything has suddenly hit me and I don't know how to cope with it all. I'm terrified of somehow driving him away as I recognise I am far more needy than I was and that he needs me to be strong but I've currently lost that central core of strength and burst into tears over nothing. How do I get myself back together so I give him the support which will get us through? Lucy


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Shore yourself up first. If your ship is sinking, it's always a good idea to try to stop the flooding of the compartment in which you are residing in. Take care of yourself. You will much most likely be a much easier and quicker fix, so do what you need to do to get yourself well e.g. mentally, physically, spiritually.

Your husband is having issues, and without knowing a lot about you, let me say perfectly clear that you can do things perfectly right LJR, and have your partner still foul things up. His failure to perform in no way represents any likely failure on your part, but on his. So first, please jetison the guilt. It will make you far more buoyant, and you'll need that with the turbulent seas ahead. LIL


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## Lucy-Jane Light (Oct 27, 2009)

Thanks for your support LIL, I've never done this kind of chatroom / discussion board type thing before and its surprising how much it helps to have someone pass on their advice and comments. Much appreciated L


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## Lucy-Jane Light (Oct 27, 2009)

Since going back to work my husband has sunk back into his previous 'depression'. Now in the evenings he sits in the study on the computer, he has joined Second Life and spends most of the time on this website I think. If I go into the study I immediately hear the click as he changes screens and its obvious he resents my presence. I end up going up to our bedroom or into kitchen and crying, if he becomes aware of this he expresses his frustration that I'm behaving like this and wants me to understand that he needs time out to relax and its his way of coping. I'm cross with myself for being wet and am looking to to get more self-sufficient (bear in mind I have spent 2 years when he worked abroad keeping it all hanging together so I'm not used to this lack of independence I know I'm exhibiting). It comes back to the fact that the way he is distancing himself from me and the kind of things he is saying to me are really similar to how he behaved previously and I've never been able to unwrap how much that was caused by the fact he was depressed and how much because he was having an affair. Now its all wrapped up together and i'm finding it really hard to separate it out. I have tried to explain this to him in a calm non confrontational way but he just isn't able to offer me as much reassurance as I need. And I do get the fact that as he is depressed making me feel better is a really tall order for him. My question is do I give him all the space he needs and look to build up my life almost exclusive of him or do I try and keep initiating things we can do together and lure him away from the study? (For anyone who knows the book Men are from Mars etc it's like he is in his cave and I don't know whether I need to leave him be and hope that he will come out eventually and isn't back in touch with the other woman which I suppose is my biggest fear; or do I try something else?) He has categorically told me that he isn't doing anything on the internet that I would 'disapprove of' and I 99% believe him.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i feel for you. my wife's problem was World of Warcraft (an online social game, similar to the concept of Second Life) you need to see if he is willing to interact with you on there. perhaps if he can relax on there with you, then, the real world will not be so painfull to him... but all the while, you need to be working to pull him out of there... it is easy to meet and have relationships in that environment, they are safe, and you never have to deal with real life issues, so the relation ship groes and groes till it encompases every thing, especially for some one who is seeking a place to hide from reality....... i saw it happen and it sounds like your husband fits the bill (sorry to say that)

the goal of course is to eventually get him out of there for 90% of the time and have it truly be a recreational game.


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