# What do I do?



## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

I don’t know what to do, I found out last night that the man she works with, that she has had an “affair” with before is still bothering her. She brushed him off, but the fact that he still talks to her bother me. I have spent most of the day today, anxious, and on edge. I don’t know if I can handle this the way I need to handle it. To my knowledge there is not still anything going on, which is good, and that is what she promised me. He has seen her naked, over pictures, and it bothers me thinking that he can see her face anytime he wants and know what my future wife looks like naked. I know that the general response to this would be “you should have left when it first happened,” but I love her and I don’t want to leave, she is part of my heart and my soul, with her I am the best man I can be. I know that cheating is one of the things that breaks trust, and without trust, a solid long term relationship cannot be had. The problem is I trust that she isn’t going to do what she did again, however, my problem now is more about where she works and the people she works with. It was not their fault that she did what she did, but they are part of the environment that she was in that made her think that behavior was ok. Ultimately it was her choice, and repeating her mistakes will be under her control in the future. I just don’t know how to handle this, or if I should push the issue at all. Right now, as a family, we need to both be working to afford to live, and even if we didn’t I don’t want to ask my future wide to quit her job, I feel that would be a major issue for our relationship. 
In the past she has admitted to hating that she has to see him everyday but she cannot find stable work for similar pay. What should I do???


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Assuming you don't have children with this woman, you should thank your lucky stars that you aren't married, and dump her immediately.

If you don't believe me, read a couple of hundred threads about how these things usually end up.


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

Even if there is no evidence that she has broken her promise about doing it again? I look at her phone almost everyday and there is no evidence, plus she has actively looked for another job, but with things the way they are now she needs one with similar pay and can't find one.


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

Have you asked her (or suggested to her) to change jobs?

Does she have a sexual harassment case against him?


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

We have spoken about her changing jobs and she can't find anything that will fulfill our financial needs, she doesn't have a sexual harassment case against him because he is bothering her by talking to her, nothing sexual, so there would be no case especially since the original encounters were mutual.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You seek legal advice and see if he can't be hammered with a harassment action.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

If you've accepted that she's staying at her job until she finds one of equal value then there is not much more you can do. No contact except about work at the very least. She has to be forthcoming about any and all attempts to connect again. That's all I can see and that's not really very much. Seeing as you've chosen to stay in this relationship,also at the very least you might want to hold off making it legally binding until you're more sure and at ease. The dues paid for some relationships are often too high.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How much digging you have done? I'd want to see her cell bill, check for chat apps on her phone, and have a look at her Facebook messages.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Here's the thing. Do you really want to live your life checking her phone "almost everyday" to check on her behavior like she's a rebellious teenager?

Take it from me, you can drive yourself crazy. Not married. Any kids? Own a home together or rent?

There are invisible levels of BS that one can reasonably put up with based on their current circumstances. That level for someone who is dating, and has no kids is astronomically low. Do yourself a favor and find someone else. A little pain now, peace of mind later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Is the other guy married? Don't forewarn him by threatening him or telling your girlfriend, just expose to his wife and let her know what happened and maybe his wife will make him quit.

I also don't think you should continue the relationship but realize you will probably not listen to us on the internet and just do what you've already decided to do. 

If you had kids and years of marriage behind you'd I would be all on board with recovery if that's what you wanted but please realize that part of why you want to recover is that your brain is evolutionarily hard-wired to desperately want to hold onto "your" woman the second you found out she was cheating. Brain scans of betrayed men have revealed that the when men are shown pictures of their exiting girlfriend/wife, that the logic/game center/strategy portion of their brain goes into high gear trying to calculate a way to win. Even though my wayward wife at the time had empty vacuous eyes while she was engaged in her life of sin, I still found her much more irresistibly attractive than I had just several months earlier. Our brains just don't like losing so we get competitive and admire the "trophy" more than we often should. 

This is probably a case where you should lick your wounds and move on. No kids, no marriage. 

If you still insist on recovering your mental health and stability mandates she just has to quit the job. Exposing to OM's wife (or girlfriend) may not just cause OM to quit, it may also REALLY prompt your girlfriend to flee the job in shame herself (another reason not to discuss it with her because she'll be against it). As much as you claim to love her ~ demonstrating your intolerance at such disrespect [her still going to work IS disrespectful ~ your mental health and devastation is more important that money], is a great way to come out of this feeling more self confident, self assured and attractive to your girlfriend versus enabling her continued disrespect and you'll get married and she'll just feel OK about doing it again]. Being strong is an expression of love and just how much you care about her. 

Then study up on boundaries and realize that your girlfriend has a weakness. She's lacks proper boundaries around men and likes the admiration she receives from other men. You'd be going into a marriage KNOWING she's got this weakness so the two of you TOGETHER better have a plan in place to protect your relationship/marriage from such weakness, including a firm indication that she's already used up her "oopps- I F'ed up" and you'll divorce her if she cheats again. 

Might also consider a prenuptial agreement before you marry and have kids. Don't over invest in a wedding ring or house. Especially if, at any time in the future, she isn't open and honest and always willing to work with you to hold each other mutually accountable. There is no privacy in marriage ~ which you must insist upon up front if you were even considering staying in this relationship.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

If you have to scour through her cell and "parent" her behavior, you might as well end the relationship. That is no way to live. The next advice you'll most likely get is to install GPS on her car, voice activated recorders, and dig into her internet history and phone bill. Don't do it. You can much better utilize your time by planning how to end the relationship. It's no way to live a life.

But so far, it seems you trust her. The majority of participants you'll here from here are betrayed members trying to be protective, so trusting someone after an affair will be highly frowned upon. 

Being suspicious of this guy and requiring your fiance to make changes might lead to further disappointments. If you trust her, take less interest in not only this one guy, but in general, the lives of all the others in that particular work space. That uneasiness you are experiencing will never go away until she finds another job. So learn to manage that emotion and give her work search the time it's going to require.

Sent from my SM-T337T using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

HistoryProf,

Then shame him out of his position, send emails to everyone that matters in his life, wife, girlfriend, parents, girl-friend, adult children, church, work, linkedin, facebook, professional organizations, etc. Expose him to high heaven, do it suddenly completely and without warnings or threats.

Tamat


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

No kids, not yet married. Checking up on her for the rest of your life sounds so exhausting.

Run, Forest, run!


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

She did it once, odds are she'll do it again. 

Don't be foolish enough to think she won't just because you can't imagine being without her.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Forgive me for putting it this way but as the loophole that caused her to cheat been closed. (I was a tax law professor.  ) Cheating can be traced to at least one of three things; problems you have, problems she has, or problems in your relationship. Unless you've found it and dealt with it, the irritation and infection is likely to return.


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

I have had complete access to her phone and looked at all other messages with the people she tells everything to and has said things about him bothering her but nothing about anything happen, her friends have even discussed with her how he, as one friend put it "had his chance" and she said yeah I'm never messing with him again, she doesn't know I looked, so that information should be legitimate.


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

No, I haven't, I have considered emailing him and finding out why he just won't go away, but I don't want her to be the laughing stock at work, my fear is he will expose her if I expose him, she sent him pictures and I would rather not have those get out to all her colleagues


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

We don't have children together (biologically) but I am a very devoted Step-Father to her daughter and we have set a wedding date, this is not about an issue of trusting her I just want this man out of her life, but I don't know how to handle the approach on the subject, I know she isn't cheating anymore and we have hammered out the problems we had which caused the original infidelity, we really have eliminated those problems but she came home from work last night with a migraine from dealing with this guy. She doesn't want to go to work with him there everyday and he did leave the company but ended up coming back, she said its a reminder for her of her screw up. We just definitely need the money, I can cover our joint bills, such as rent and utilities and food but right now cannot also take on her personal bills.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If you want to save your relationship, you can in no way, shape or form; accept them continuing to work together. Bottom line, end of story.

If he doesn't leave the job, she does. Non negotiable.

When or if that happens, check back with us. That's got to be the first step before you "consider" reconciliation.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Historyprof, at the very least postpone the wedding. How long ago was the affair? It sounds like you need more time to see if you can ever be at peace with the fact that she even had an affair to begin with. You need more time for her to earn back your trust, if she's even capable of this. And, perhaps most importantly, you need to send her an important message about consequences. She needs to understand that you're not a doormat and that you'll be the one calling the shots in the relationship from this point forward.


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

Do I confront the guy about it?


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Historyprof said:


> Do I confront the guy about it?


Nooooooo.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Historyprof said:


> Do I confront the guy about it?


No. Other than exposing him; it's her issue with you. No need to confront him unless he tries to contact her *after* she ensures there is no chance to see him.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Prof,

You have a difficult problem my friend. Lets see if I understand it right before I put in my $ .02
(1) your wife had a consensual affair with a guy who has now reappeared at her job and apparently is trying to lure her in again, or at least is making himself much to close to her
(2) you cannot afford for her to quit her job or take a job at a lower salary
(3) you have access to her electronics and for some reason feel guilty for looking at her phone.
(4) she claims it is over and her girlfriends, who by the way do not seem to be too upset with her, but rather are advising her on what to do. They should not be telling her "he had his chance". That means they approved of what she was doing. Just a little side note for you. If they were friends of your marriage they would be telling her to file a complaint if she is not left alone.

Now, lets see what you can do given the circumstances.
(1) Since you are a betrayed spouse, and your WW works with her OM everyday who is trying to be much too close to her, the first thing you should do is ignore the idiotic advice you got telling you to do nothing and to let her do whatever she wants and put your head in the sand. Yup, you are going to get advice from betrayed spouses, WHICH YOU ARE BY THE WAY , and the goal here is to provide you with tools to not get whacked again. No, you cannot live your life snooping, but now that OM has reappeared you are silly to play ostrich. The range of advice on infidelityis wide, even from so called experts. There is one widely read guy who suggest a BH should acalmly allow the affair to go on right in front of him and just watch your wife go out and cheat and win her back. At least this ****ty advice comes with a warning that not too many men can follow it for 6 months or a year.
The old and trusted saying here is "trust your gut", and your gut brought you to a forum of strangers for advice so there is something going on that makes you very uncomfortable.

(2) when you caught your wife, what did you do?? Did you tell OM spouse?? Did you beg and plead with your wife? What consequences has she had that make her believe that there will be no second reconciliation. It appears she had girlfriends who both knew and probably encouraged her and they are still around. Understand, and please do your own research, THE OVERWHELMING majority of experts on infidelity state that total NC is a must and you have made3 the decisikon that you will forego that for financial reasons. Understand and take the responsibility that that decision greatly increases the chance that the affair will restart and that your reconciliation will fail. It does not mean you need to divorce, but it means the advice of putting your head in the sand and giving her blind trust is senseless.

(3) access to her phone means absolutely nothing. You are stating she claims he is overstepping bounds and she claims to be uncomfortable. Really???? Did she ever hear of HR?? No, it was consensual before but if it is not now she can make it clear to him to stay away from her or she will go to HR. If he is married and if his wife does not know, that might get him to back off. 
Prof, have you ever in your life been shot down very ungraciously by a woman. ???? Then you need to understand your wife knows how to pour cold water on his balls and why is she not voluntarily doing that. Here is what you do not want to hear down the road, which appears a lot

"He was a predator and just pursued me until I could not say no"""
What has she done to get him to leave her alone other than chase with her girlfriends.

She sees him every day all day long, so yes you should snoop, and yes you should find out if she is telling you the truth. Now our friend who says trust her totally and hope thinks that is too much. How has trusting her worked out for you, and these terrible things he is calling bitter will get you the truth in probably less than two weeks. A VAR in her car will tell you if she is talking to OM out of work and its obvious she is a vbery active chatter with her girlfriends so you will certainly hear things she may or may not be telling you.

So the choice is yours. You are in a dangerous situation with your wifes boyfriend in proximity to her now every day and sniffing around for an opening. Its not complicated. You either put vyour head in the sand or you don't.

Notice I have not said a word about divorce. But what is your plan if she starts to have sex with him again. Again it is your choice. If your plan is to stay married to her regardless of what she does, then you do nothing but hope. If another incident of physical contact or non work contact is a deal breaker, then you PRERPARE yourself by seeing an attorney and you sit down and make it clear that there are no more second chances. And that is difficult to do if you do not know your rights.

And lastly, YOU DO NOT CALL THIS OM AND BEG HIM TO STOP CHASING YOUR WIFE. 

That is your wifes job and it is not hard to do if she wants to.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You know what is one of the hardest things to do? Kill someone. You know what gets easier after you have done it once? Killing someone.

Killing someone is equivalent to emotional affairs. Whatever put her there to begin with will let her there again. Have you talked to her ex husband? What as his deal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

I guess you're right, She does blow him off according to her, which I trust, because when I did confront her about it last time she came clean, There was never any physical contact between the two. He actually saw her engagement ring and the conversation ended with him asking why he wasn't going to be invited to the wedding, I don't get the situation at all. Maybe I shouldn't trust her but my gut is telling me I should, Her behavior is different than when everything went on last time, she used to yell at me for being near her phone and act shady, now she is right upfront when I ask about it and just tells me whats up. Maybe I am being stupid but this is why I don't know what the hell to do, he isn't currently doing anything that could be actionable as far as work is concerned as far as my understanding of harassment law.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Is he married or have a girlfriend? 
As you've been told repeatedly, track them down and tell them with no warning to your fiance and CERTAINLY NO warning to him. Never contact him unless you're ready to do serious jail time. By telling his wife or SO you will put the heat on him from his home and he won't want to risk that by continuing to pursue your F. You'll also show you're man enough to take care of your business and may make your F think twice when the opportunity arises again, and it will.


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

She was not previously married, she had a child with a man whom she intended to marry, then things changed.


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## Historyprof (Oct 13, 2016)

He has a girlfriend but the things that happened weren't while they were dating, Now he is just talking to her like a friend which wouldn't be much to tell her at this point, plus this woman also works with them.


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

History, you don't know what to do because you're not willing to do what needs to be done.

The problem isn't with the OM or even your fiancé. The problem is with you and what you're willing to put up with in order to remain attached to this young lady.

Confirmed affairs need to be busted wide open by exposing the affair to the light of day. Anyone important to the OM needs to know about the affair, including his employer. 

By shielding the OM from the consequences of his own actions, you are enabling the furtherance of his behavior.

Men who lack balls get walked on, cheated on, and discarded. I love my wife dearly, but if she ever cheated, she would be as gone as yesterday.

There are 3.5 billion women on this planet and I'd be willing to bet you could find one who wouldn't stray. 

You can't think like this at the moment as you seem enthralled with this woman. Trust me, she is easily replaceable. Keep that in mind no matter what you decide to do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Historyprof said:


> We don't have children together (biologically) but I am a very devoted Step-Father to her daughter and we have set a wedding date, this is not about an issue of trusting her I just want this man out of her life, but I don't know how to handle the approach on the subject, I know she isn't cheating anymore and we have hammered out the problems we had which caused the original infidelity, we really have eliminated those problems but she came home from work last night with a migraine from dealing with this guy. She doesn't want to go to work with him there everyday and he did leave the company but ended up coming back, she said its a reminder for her of her screw up. We just definitely need the money, I can cover our joint bills, such as rent and utilities and food but right now cannot also take on her personal bills.


At the very least postpone the wedding. She needs consequences. 

Start reading here it will give you a better idea of the cheaters mindset, not what you want to believe about your SO. 

You might want to do some reading here as well because this could very well be your life. Pay special attention to the people who are years out. Most are still struggling. 

Right now you can get out without having to pay up to 20% or your salary and 50% of your possessions but if she does it again 10 years from now you won't be able to.

You know she has it in her to do it already. Why did she divorce the first time, do you know? 

What has she done to prove she has changed did she go to counseling? Has she read books joined a relationship board, or is just because she got caught because 99% of the time that is not enough. People who cheat at the very least have poor boundaries, that doesn't get fixed without hard work. Many have personality disorders. 

You are about to make a decision that will change the course of the rest of your life, you better think long an hard this is what you want. It makes sense to separate yourself form the situation so you can think about it without the emotion of your feelings getting in the way. 

Many people who get cheated on are desperate to get back together, I think it is because they somehow feel if they get back together this will emotionally fix the pain. This is a fallacy. You are going to go through the pain no matter what. And the pain usually goes away quicker without having to see the cheater who is the trigger everyday. Once someone cheats it is always a part of your relationship. It's you, your spouse and the affair and it will always be the 3 of you. You will never have what you once had. Make sure you understand that before you marry her. Yes you got her back but what does that really mean, is she the catch you once thought she was? This person who could betray the person she says she loves? Is that what you wanted when you thought about who you were going to marry? Are you settling because you are scared?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Historyprof said:


> I guess you're right, She does blow him off according to her, which I trust, because when I did confront her about it last time she came clean, There was never any physical contact between the two. He actually saw her engagement ring and the conversation ended with him asking why he wasn't going to be invited to the wedding, I don't get the situation at all. Maybe I shouldn't trust her but my gut is telling me I should, Her behavior is different than when everything went on last time, she used to yell at me for being near her phone and act shady, now she is right upfront when I ask about it and just tells me whats up. Maybe I am being stupid but this is why I don't know what the hell to do, he isn't currently doing anything that could be actionable as far as work is concerned as far as my understanding of harassment law.


It's easy to have a burner phone. Or just talk to the guy at work.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Legend said:


> History, you don't know what to do because you're not willing to do what needs to be done.
> 
> The problem isn't with the OM or even your fiancé. The problem is with you and what you're willing to put up with in order to remain attached to this young lady.
> 
> ...


G-damn this is a good post. Listen to the man! You are like the guy who bought a sports car but it's a lemon. You can hold onto it but it's engine is busted so you can go anywhere with it. What good is a sports car you can't drive. What good is a person in a long term relationship if they can't be faithful, at the very beginning no less when you should be in the most intense part of the relationship. Long term commitment takes understanding lust and love become different after you have been together a while. A lot of it is not exciting and fresh, most day to day life is boring and mundane. It's more like a warm blanket. She can't even be faithful when it IS exciting and fresh how is she going to handle it when you are grumpy from a long day at work. If you should lose you job god forbid, if you get sick god forbid. This is when you really know someone loves you warts and all. 

Look up suck cost fallacy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why do you need to marry her? What has she done to deserve being married? I see nothing. 

If you marry her you deserve what you get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Legend said:


> History, you don't know what to do because you're not willing to do what needs to be done.
> 
> The problem isn't with the OM or even your fiancé. The problem is with you and what you're willing to put up with in order to remain attached to this young lady.
> 
> ...


You need to read the above again. It's obvous you are going to do nothing because you are so fearful of her reaction. She is throwing you a crumb by letting you see her phone when she can talk to him all day long.
Now you're getting the crap that his conversations are all
Innocent since he saw her ring. Laughable if it was not sad .

She is not in fog . You are in "denial". 

Most of us know how this will end. Not pretty. Continue to play Mr. Nice Guy at your own peril . You will find the next DDay is More painful because you could have done something to either avoid it or catch it. That will make you feel more foolish when a few simple temporary steps could avoid it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm kind of confused on this. Did she cheat with this guy while she was with you? If so, you need to dump her. There is no way you should get with cheating single mom. 

She already has a track record of failed relationships. You have to see her relationship history like looking at her resume. Your user name tells me you're a history buff. As such, you know that history repeats itself. Bottom line, she's a bad risk and not worth you hiring her as a wife. 

Besides, I've read of way to many single moms who end up cheating on their husbands. Very heart breaking to read these guy's threads. They go against human nature and accept another man's kids as their own and the WW rewards this with betrayal. I could understand if you were a divorced man or a dad yourself but for a never married, childless man to marry a cheating single mom is a bad move.


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

Reading this thread is like watching a person slowly load a gun, pull the hammer. Aim it at their head and put his finger on the trigger. While everyone frantically begs you not to do it. You just plainly will get cheated on in a marriage you should never be in, raising some guys daughter. Nothing against being a step dad but man...you'd think she'd have a medicom of respect for a guy who is willing to raise her kid. Or she might just be with you because your safe.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Why do you need to marry her? What has she done to deserve being married? I see nothing.
> 
> If you marry her you deserve what you get.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^ QFT

OP,

do yourself a favor and walk away from this one. 

Here is what you got :

Your girlfriend has already cheating on you.

You are helping raising another man's child.

You have no children together.

She didn't marry baby daddy why ?

She still works with POSOM.

and you still want to marry her why ??


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I missed where you described what kind of affair this was,how you know,how long and how you found out.
In the work place it's almost impossible to catch or stop an affair if they want to be smart and take it underground. For all you know they could be doing anything.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> I missed where you described what kind of affair this was,how you know,how long and how you found out.
> In the work place it's almost impossible to catch or stop an affair if they want to be smart and take it underground. For all you know they could be doing anything.


OP never detailed the above. Plus the first time he used the word affair, he enclosed it in quotation marks leaving me to wonder what he meant (EA or PA or sexting).

I assume you were in a relationship with her when this happened the first time because you describe her behavior toward you back then as suspicious. Was this a sexual affair? How did you find out? Did she end it or did he end it or did it end when he left the company? Were you engaged and living together at the time or the original affair?

You say she was engaged to the father of her child before, how did that end? How old is the child?

More information might help shed a little more light on what happened and how you should proceed.

What I recommend now, based on what you have written, is to delay the wedding.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

OP; what kind of affair did she have? If she said it was not sexual; and I ask this gently- do you believe it was not if she sent him naked pictures? What would you say to your brother or friend if their girlfriend had done this to them?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Historyprof said:


> I have had complete access to her phone and looked at all other messages with the people she tells everything to and has said things about him bothering her but nothing about anything happen, her friends have even discussed with her how he, as one friend put it "had his chance" and she said yeah I'm never messing with him again, she doesn't know I looked, so that information should be legitimate.


She and he can communicate without the phone. Wake up. She can cheat once, she can get better at cheating again.

time for you to move on. Unless she outs him to his wife or SO, she is still protecting him over you.

Why does she not respect you? Because she can cheat and there are no consequences. they are at work. she can meet him in the bathroom and you will not see it on her phone.

Do not marry her, or have kids with her. Has she been tested for stds to show that you will not catch an std? you should get tested.

find someone that will not cheat on you.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

This is a very low value woman. She probably got dumped by her baby daddy for cheating, or he was one of a long string of men she was having sex with. She is still cheating on you. I bet you pay for the majority of everything.

DO NOT MARRY HER - YOU DESERVE BETTER.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Historyprof said:


> Even if there is no evidence that she has broken her promise about doing it again? I look at her phone almost everyday and there is no evidence, plus she has actively looked for another job, but with things the way they are now she needs one with similar pay and can't find one.


What does she need a phone for? She see OM at work. As long as that is occurring, communication at work or not, the affair is always present. By and large, if it does not start well it will not end well. If you are not married please consider an alternative path.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Historyprof said:


> We don't have children together (biologically) but I am a very devoted Step-Father to her daughter and we have set a wedding date, this is not about an issue of trusting her I just want this man out of her life, but I don't know how to handle the approach on the subject, I know she isn't cheating anymore and we have hammered out the problems we had which caused the original infidelity, we really have eliminated those problems but she came home from work last night with a migraine from dealing with this guy. She doesn't want to go to work with him there everyday and he did leave the company but ended up coming back, she said its a reminder for her of her screw up. We just definitely need the money, I can cover our joint bills, such as rent and utilities and food but right now cannot also take on her personal bills.


Right now the OM is not the problem. It is your W. Your W made the mess she will need to clean it up as quickly as possible. You are being supportive as one could be after getting the sh-tty end of the stick. I don't know whether to applaud you or wonder why you have not looked to move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Historyprof said:


> Do I confront the guy about it?


No. He is not the problem. Your STBW is the problem.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please clarify the previous questions about how you found out and the nature of their relationship and her past relationship history. You really need to write a concise and comprehensive history. Not to do so is a sign of denial on your part on what has occurred. 

Marriage is an almost impossible attempt to reconcile many different types of relationships into a single relationship; best friend, economic partners, mutually emtionaly partners, Co-parents, lovers, etc. It would appear you are afraid of her using you for a co-parent, emotional support and financial support but not as a lover. Has she ever given you what she gave to him?


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

Historyprof said:


> I know that the general response to this would be “you should have left when it first happened,” but _*I love her and I don’t want to leave*_, she is part of my heart and my soul, with her I am the best man I can be.


and there you have it. Just compartmentalize this ugly mess and stuff it into the far reaches of your mind. If you are lucky you will die before it breaks out of that box and starts to haunt you.

Good luck.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Historyprof said:


> Even if there is no evidence that she has broken her promise about doing it again? I look at her phone almost everyday and there is no evidence, plus she has actively looked for another job, but with things the way they are now she needs one with similar pay and can't find one.


Don't you see? The fact that you have to look at her phone is a problem. The fact that forever it will be in the back of your mind that you cant trust her.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*


drifter777 said:



and there you have it. Just compartmentalize this ugly mess and stuff it into the far reaches of your mind. If you are lucky you will die before it breaks out of that box and starts to haunt you.

Good luck.

Click to expand...

*


Drifter just told you the truth. Maintain that statement and you are going to get crapped on over and over again. *You are paralyzed by denial and are playing the classic "pick me game".*

Read what happens to men who do that.

And for heavens sake stop asking if you should confront OM. He will probably laugh at you for begging him to stop chasing her. You already are making every wrong decision possible. Don't compound it. What will you do if he tells you they are having sex???


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Historyprof said:


> I know that the general response to this would be “you should have left when it first happened,” but I love her and I don’t want to leave, she is part of my heart and my soul, with her I am the best man I can be. I know that cheating is one of the things that breaks trust, and without trust, a solid long term relationship cannot be had.


You see it all the time guys like you get bullied, cheaters pick guys like you because they know you are a safe bet. You can't be the best man for anyone if you allow yourself to be abused. Cheating is abuse.


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