# A bit lost



## LittleBoat

Hi,

I'm new to this forum. I stumbled upon it because I've been married for 10 years and things have been rocky for the biggest part of it. We recently did a big move that brought us close to my family, and that has strained us a lot. I thought moving closer to my family would bring support, but my wife doesn't really like my mom, and so things have been worst, not better. So I guess I'm looking for some guidance / advice.

Some general stuff:

• We have 2 young kids
• We come from very different backgrounds: different race, different country of origin, different temperaments, different relationships with our family of origin (I'm tight knit with mine, she's estranged from hers).
• We have moved a lot over the years. Pretty much every 2 or 3 years we did a major move (to another country, or from one coast to the other). We're now back closer to where I grew up, and most likely settled there for a while.
• We've had a lot of troubles over the years as well. My family has always been a sore point for her, money a sore point for me. We somehow managed to stick together though, and here we are, 10 years later with 2 kids.

My wife never felt included/accepted by my family. My family likes her, but I think they also don't quite know what to do with her, and so they never developed a really close relationship. My mom/siblings would call me on the regular, and usually would ask about her, but they would never ask to talk to her directly for example. So she feels nobody on my side really cares that much about her except for being able to deliver grandchildren, and I can see/accept that.

On the other hand, my folks are good, generous, easy going, folks. They get along well with everyone. They have always been friendly, even if they didn't get to the level of intimacy that she expects.

Anyway... This has always been a problem. It wasn't too bad before because we always lived far away, and so the topic of my family would only come from time to time. But now we essentially live a quick drive from my mom, and so interactions have been a lot more frequent, and a lot more painful. My mom gets very motherly with the kids, which absolutely enrages my wife. Simple things like my wife telling my oldest "don't do X" and my mother responding with "it's ok, it's (some kind of reason)" lead to explosions and weeks of arguing. Even if my mom says "don't hit your sibling" to one of the kids while my wife is in the same room, drama is assured (it's my wife role to reprimand).

So long story short. Here we are, and I feel stuck. We're now at the point where interactions have been extremely limited. My kids are only allowed to see their grandma once a month and my wife doesn't want to see her and talk to her.

Overall, I get where she comes from, and I understand the things she gets upset about, but I strongly disagree with the way she reacts. She has a lot of childhood trauma, and I think a lot of this just triggers her, and so her responses are off the chart when most of the time it's really not that deep. Plus I've talked to my mom, and she's more than willing to listen and make changes, but my mom herself has also reached the point where she can't deal with my wife anymore..

So here I am... I'm sorry this was a bit long, but this has been weighing on me for weeks, and I don't know what to do anymore. I love both my wife and my family of origin dearly, but right now, I see no peace in sight. I'm essentially cut off from my family. I feel like there must be a middle ground somewhere, but maybe I'm deluding myself...

Thoughts?


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## NobodySpecial

LittleBoat said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm new to this forum. I stumbled upon it because I've been married for 10 years and things have been rocky for the biggest part of it. We recently did a big move that brought us close to my family, and that has strained us a lot. I thought moving closer to my family would bring support, but my wife doesn't really like my mom, and so things have been worst, not better. So I guess I'm looking for some guidance / advice.
> 
> Some general stuff:
> 
> • We have 2 young kids
> • We come from very different backgrounds: different race, different country of origin, different temperaments, different relationships with our family of origin (I'm tight knit with mine, she's estranged from hers).
> • We have moved a lot over the years. Pretty much every 2 or 3 years we did a major move (to another country, or from one coast to the other). We're now back closer to where I grew up, and most likely settled there for a while.
> • We've had a lot of troubles over the years as well. My family has always been a sore point for her, money a sore point for me. We somehow managed to stick together though, and here we are, 10 years later with 2 kids.
> 
> My wife never felt included/accepted by my family. My family likes her, but I think they also don't quite know what to do with her, and so they never developed a really close relationship. My mom/siblings would call me on the regular, and usually would ask about her, but they would never ask to talk to her directly for example. So she feels nobody on my side really cares that much about her except for being able to deliver grandchildren, and I can see/accept that.
> 
> On the other hand, my folks are good, generous, easy going, folks. They get along well with everyone. They have always been friendly, even if they didn't get to the level of intimacy that she expects.
> 
> Anyway... This has always been a problem. It wasn't too bad before because we always lived far away, and so the topic of my family would only come from time to time. But now we essentially live a quick drive from my mom, and so interactions have been a lot more frequent, and a lot more painful. My mom gets very motherly with the kids, which absolutely enrages my wife. Simple things like my wife telling my oldest "don't do X" and my mother responding with "it's ok, it's (some kind of reason)" lead to explosions and weeks of arguing.


I am with your wife on this one. Your wife is the parent. Your mother is NOT.



> Even if my mom says "don't hit your sibling" to one of the kids while my wife is in the same room, drama is assured (it's my wife role to reprimand).


Ok, you just switched it up. But I am still with your wife on this one. Your Mom needs to shut her yap around this kind of issue unless the kids are over her house or they are doing stuff together that she is responsible for. And YOU need to be the one to make that happen.




> So long story short. Here we are, and I feel stuck. We're now at the point where interactions have been extremely limited. My kids are only allowed to see their grandma once a month and my wife doesn't want to see her and talk to her.


It is hard to say whether or not your wife is being over the top from what you say. But mothers in law trying to edge into Mom space is one of the oldest problems in the book. 



> Overall, I get where she comes from, and I understand the things she gets upset about, but I strongly disagree with the way she reacts. She has a lot of childhood trauma, and I think a lot of this just triggers her, and so her responses are off the chart when most of the time it's really not that deep. Plus I've talked to my mom, and she's more than willing to listen and make changes, but my mom herself has also reached the point where she can't deal with my wife anymore..


SO this has to be more than just discipline issues? HAS your Mom made those changes? 



> So here I am... I'm sorry this was a bit long, but this has been weighing on me for weeks, and I don't know what to do anymore. I love both my wife and my family of origin dearly, but right now, I see no peace in sight. I'm essentially cut off from my family. I feel like there must be a middle ground somewhere, but maybe I'm deluding myself...
> 
> Thoughts?


Honestly, it is unclear. There is not really enough info.


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## Tron

Your W sounds neurotic.

I'd suggest you man up and let your W know your expectations and that this is something she is simply going to need to manage better. She needs to learn to deal with your family. They are there for support after all and just because her family is estranged and a complete cluster**** it doesn't mean that she has to treat yours the same way.

Mother-in-laws can be a pain in the ass sometimes and get in your business. What else is new? Wives have had to deal with them since the beginning of time. 

As a practical matter, you might try some family therapy with everyone in the room.


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## NobodySpecial

Tron said:


> Your W sounds neurotic.
> 
> I'd suggest you man up and let your W know your expectations and that this is something she is simply going to need to manage better. She needs to learn to deal with your family. They are there for support after all and just because her family is estranged and a complete cluster**** it doesn't mean that she has to treat yours the same way.
> 
> Mother-in-laws can be a pain in the ass sometimes and get in your business. What else is new? Wives have had to deal with them since the beginning of time.
> 
> As a practical matter, you might try some family therapy with everyone in the room.


This is really good advice.... if you want your wife to clam up and never talk to you honestly again.


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## happyhusband0005

Simple rule to live by if you want a happy marriage. In a disagreement between your wife and ANYBODY, mother included, you take your wife's side EVERY TIME and so everyone knows your taking your wife's side. And yes this even goes for when you think your wife is wrong. I have a feeling you keep your mouth shut, bad move, really bad. This is a common point of resentment for many many women I know. I've never met a woman who said I want to marry a mama's boy. If your wife feels disrespected by your family you don't want her deciding you don't respect her based on you not having her back. 

Shortly after I married my wife we were at my parents for Thanksgiving. The subject of if my wife would work once kids come along. My wife went to an Ivy league school and was quickly climbing the career ladder so there was no chance she was staying home and we both made enough money that we could hire a full time nanny. Well my mom isn't down with working moms and started making comments about that I knew were going to drive my wife crazy. I jumped in and went off a little on my mom. My mother has never brought that subject up again. After the argument was over (between my mom and myself) my Dad was giving me the well done sir look. And I think I got a blowjob a day for a good month. 

I also have a weird mindset I developed. My wife and kids are the only people I really call my family. My parents are my parents, my sisters are my sisters, my wife and kids are my family.


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## LittleBoat

> Your Mom needs to shut her yap around this kind of issue unless the kids are over her house or they are doing stuff together that she is responsible for. And YOU need to be the one to make that happen.


Yeah. She's told me that too. The issue is I don't see a lot of things. Either because they don't bother me, or I'm just used to my mom because she's my mom. So it's not really that I don't want to say something, but most of the time, I don't notice those issues until my wife tells me about it later.

To be clear, I'm not looking to excuse my behavior. I'm here because I sincerely want things to improve, and it's helpful to have different perspectives than mine. I acknowledge that I have my part of responsibility there.



> SO this has to be more than just discipline issues? HAS your Mom made those changes?


She has, but not perfectly. Ie she has made progress, but she's not there yet for everything. So there is always "something" that will come up, even if the something is different every time.


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## NobodySpecial

LittleBoat said:


> Yeah. She's told me that too. The issue is I don't see a lot of things. Either because they don't bother me, or I'm just used to my mom because she's my mom. So it's not really that I don't want to say something, but most of the time, I don't notice those issues until my wife tells me about it later.


So. Yeah. Lame. Notice them. Make a POINT of noticing them. 



> To be clear, I'm not looking to excuse my behavior. I'm here because I sincerely want things to improve, and it's helpful to have different perspectives than mine. I acknowledge that I have my part of responsibility there.
> 
> 
> 
> She has, but not perfectly. Ie she has made progress, but she's not there yet for everything. So there is always "something" that will come up, even if *the something is different every time*.



So that is never going to work. If your wife is looking for excuses to beef, you have a different problem on your hands. Can you and your wife get on the same page about exactly what the problem actually IS?


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## LittleBoat

happyhusband0005 said:


> Simple rule to live by if you want a happy marriage. In a disagreement between your wife and ANYBODY, mother included, you take your wife's side EVERY TIME and so everyone knows your taking your wife's side. And yes this even goes for when you think your wife is wrong. I have a feeling you keep your mouth shut, bad move, really bad. This is a common point of resentment for many many women I know. I've never met a woman who said I want to marry a mama's boy. If your wife feels disrespected by your family you don't want her deciding you don't respect her based on you not having her back.


The issue is we have different temperaments. I'm calmed and reserved, and she's a tornado. She wants me to react to everything at Tornado level because that's how she is, but I'm more likely to go see folks in private later and ask them nicely to not do something. It's not that I don't want to have her back, but my way of handling a situation is not her way. I think you can go a long way by asking nicely and she wants to wage war at every turn. This puts us at odds all the time.

But point taken nonetheless. I could be more forceful about stuff.


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## Vinnydee

Let’s be realistic here. We do not know you. We are only hearing your version of the story and as we all know, everyone will have a different version and believe theirs is the correct one. You have serious marital problems and instead of going to a professional you do not think it worth the money to go to a real therapist so you are asking total strangers for advice who are not qualified to give it. Seems that their is an issue of perhaps faulty decision making and in inability to resolve conflict. 

Two things keep my marriage happy for 46 years. The first was putting each other and our marriage before all else. That fixed 99% of our problems. I have quit jobs, asked for job transfers and did whatever it took to make my wife happy. She came first. The second thing we did was move 2,000 miles away from both of our families. We still live that far away so we eliminated any family interference in our marriage. 

You need professional help or stop get off the sinking ship and find one that will keep you afloat. Bad marriages seldom become good, just worse.


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## happyhusband0005

LittleBoat said:


> The issue is we have different temperaments. I'm calmed and reserved, and she's a tornado. She wants me to react to everything at Tornado level because that's how she is, but I'm more likely to go see folks in private later and ask them nicely to not do something. It's not that I don't want to have her back, but my way of handling a situation is not her way. I think you can go a long way by asking nicely and she wants to wage war at every turn. This puts us at odds all the time.
> 
> But point taken nonetheless. I could be more forceful about stuff.


I get there are different ways of handling things, with my mom she doesn't get it unless you basically scream it in her face. But I think the little annoyances build up over time and even small stuff is likely to get a strong negative reaction after a while. I think if you nip it in the bud in your laid back nice way on the spot it will go a long way to calming your wife. Like I said, the big danger is your lack of on the spot response of any kind will build resentment from your wife, it probably already has. The way your wife probably looks at your approach is even when you go and ask them nicely they assume she made you do it and she's the one giving the message not you. Resentment is a marriage killer, it's death by a thousand cuts, you give yourself enough paper cuts in the same spot eventually you're going to slice an artery.


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## LittleBoat

Vinnydee said:


> Let’s be realistic here. We do not know you. We are only hearing your version of the story and as we all know, everyone will have a different version and believe theirs is the correct one. You have serious marital problems and instead of going to a professional you do not think it worth the money to go to a real therapist so you are asking total strangers for advice who are not qualified to give it. Seems that their is an issue of perhaps faulty decision making and in inability to resolve conflict.
> 
> Two things keep my marriage happy for 46 years. The first was putting each other and our marriage before all else. That fixed 99% of our problems. I have quit jobs, asked for job transfers and did whatever it took to make my wife happy. She came first. The second thing we did was move 2,000 miles away from both of our families. We still live that far away so we eliminated any family interference in our marriage.
> 
> You need professional help or stop get off the sinking ship and find one that will keep you afloat. Bad marriages seldom become good, just worse.


Wow. That's so helpful.

For the record, I do see a therapist, have for a while, and I started because of my marital issues. Sometimes different perspectives still help.

As for why we moved close to my family, the reason are complicated and unrelated to my family. We moved extensively over the years (across the ocean multiple times), and we are unlikely to move again. So at this point I just have to deal with the fact that we're here.


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## LittleBoat

happyhusband0005 said:


> I get there are different ways of handling things, with my mom she doesn't get it unless you basically scream it in her face. But I think the little annoyances build up over time and even small stuff is likely to get a strong negative reaction after a while. I think if you nip it in the bud in your laid back nice way on the spot it will go a long way to calming your wife. Like I said, the big danger is your lack of on the spot response of any kind will build resentment from your wife, it probably already has. The way your wife probably looks at your approach is even when you go and ask them nicely they assume she made you do it and she's the one giving the message not you. Resentment is a marriage killer, it's death by a thousand cuts, you give yourself enough paper cuts in the same spot eventually you're going to slice an artery.


Fair enough. The on-the-spot aspect makes sense. I would agree that a lot of resentment has built over the years.


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## LittleBoat

Vinnydee said:


> Let’s be realistic here. We do not know you. We are only hearing your version of the story and as we all know, everyone will have a different version and believe theirs is the correct one. You have serious marital problems and instead of going to a professional you do not think it worth the money to go to a real therapist so you are asking total strangers for advice who are not qualified to give it. Seems that their is an issue of perhaps faulty decision making and in inability to resolve conflict.
> 
> Two things keep my marriage happy for 46 years. The first was putting each other and our marriage before all else. That fixed 99% of our problems. I have quit jobs, asked for job transfers and did whatever it took to make my wife happy. She came first. The second thing we did was move 2,000 miles away from both of our families. We still live that far away so we eliminated any family interference in our marriage.
> 
> You need professional help or stop get off the sinking ship and find one that will keep you afloat. Bad marriages seldom become good, just worse.


So.. I am in therapy, and have over the years. I would say that I have been in therapy for half of the time I have been with my wife. Because we moved a lot, I changed therapists multiple times and their helpfulness has varied. I started going because of marital issues (a lot of our years together have been rocky). My wife refuses to go for herself, and refuses to join me in my sessions. I have breached the subject several times, but to no avail.

As for the rest, I have changed jobs for her, and I have moved as well. We did several very big moves, some of them international, and most of them were driven by her.

But thank you for the kind and helpful advice.


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## LittleBoat

happyhusband0005 said:


> I get there are different ways of handling things, with my mom she doesn't get it unless you basically scream it in her face. But I think the little annoyances build up over time and even small stuff is likely to get a strong negative reaction after a while. I think if you nip it in the bud in your laid back nice way on the spot it will go a long way to calming your wife.


Yeah... I have never been too good at reacting in the moment. A lot of it is simply because I don't see things in the moment. What happens most often is my wife tells me after the fact "your mother did X", and I'm like "Oh....".



happyhusband0005 said:


> Like I said, the big danger is your lack of on the spot response of any kind will build resentment from your wife, it probably already has. The way your wife probably looks at your approach is even when you go and ask them nicely they assume she made you do it and she's the one giving the message not you. Resentment is a marriage killer, it's death by a thousand cuts, you give yourself enough paper cuts in the same spot eventually you're going to slice an artery.


I would say that all of this has happened unfortunately... Resentment has certainly built over the years.

Though there is also resentment on my side as well. I've gone to war sometimes for her, even when I knew she was totally misreading the situation. Any attempt on my part to explain what happened was taken as "being against her", "choosing my family over her", etc. So small things have escalated to epic proportions and caused large rifts in my relationships, simply because she refuses to acknowledge any other reality than hers.

She is "3 strikes and you're gone from my life". And this applies to her own relationships as well. She has intense friendships that always flame out or dissolve because she gets angry and resentful. In the past, those strikes have been as simple as "so and so did not answer the phone when I called", or "so and so cancelled a meeting"... It's sometimes hard to deal with.

So frankly, I have a hard time being 100% behind her at all times, because I just find her unreasonable a lot of the times. For example, one time she cut a friend out of her life because they did not show up at an important event. Turns out that friend was in a car accident and that's why they did not show up...

So... yeah...


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## Diana7

To be honest your wife sounds like a very difficult woman to get on with and deal with. Very high maintenance. Hence her lack of friends and not wanting anything to do with either families. She clearly drives people away. She is clearly running your life, telling you that the children can only see their grandparents once a month for example is wrong in my opinion. She is only saying that because she is selfish. 
She is free to isolate herself if she chooses, but to keep the children away from grandparents? No, that plain wrong. 
You are right, she is unreasonable, very unreasonable.


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## aine

LittleBoat said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm new to this forum. I stumbled upon it because I've been married for 10 years and things have been rocky for the biggest part of it. We recently did a big move that brought us close to my family, and that has strained us a lot. I thought moving closer to my family would bring support, but my wife doesn't really like my mom, and so things have been worst, not better. So I guess I'm looking for some guidance / advice.
> 
> Some general stuff:
> 
> • We have 2 young kids
> • We come from very different backgrounds: different race, different country of origin, different temperaments, different relationships with our family of origin (I'm tight knit with mine, she's estranged from hers).
> • We have moved a lot over the years. Pretty much every 2 or 3 years we did a major move (to another country, or from one coast to the other). We're now back closer to where I grew up, and most likely settled there for a while.
> • We've had a lot of troubles over the years as well. My family has always been a sore point for her, money a sore point for me. We somehow managed to stick together though, and here we are, 10 years later with 2 kids.
> 
> My wife never felt included/accepted by my family. My family likes her, but I think they also don't quite know what to do with her, and so they never developed a really close relationship. My mom/siblings would call me on the regular, and usually would ask about her, but they would never ask to talk to her directly for example. So she feels nobody on my side really cares that much about her except for being able to deliver grandchildren, and I can see/accept that.
> 
> On the other hand, my folks are good, generous, easy going, folks. They get along well with everyone. They have always been friendly, even if they didn't get to the level of intimacy that she expects.
> 
> Anyway... This has always been a problem. It wasn't too bad before because we always lived far away, and so the topic of my family would only come from time to time. But now we essentially live a quick drive from my mom, and so interactions have been a lot more frequent, and a lot more painful. My mom gets very motherly with the kids, which absolutely enrages my wife. Simple things like my wife telling my oldest "don't do X" and my mother responding with "it's ok, it's (some kind of reason)" lead to explosions and weeks of arguing. Even if my mom says "don't hit your sibling" to one of the kids while my wife is in the same room, drama is assured (it's my wife role to reprimand).
> 
> So long story short. Here we are, and I feel stuck. We're now at the point where interactions have been extremely limited. My kids are only allowed to see their grandma once a month and my wife doesn't want to see her and talk to her.
> 
> Overall, I get where she comes from, and I understand the things she gets upset about, but I strongly disagree with the way she reacts. She has a lot of childhood trauma, and I think a lot of this just triggers her, and so her responses are off the chart when most of the time it's really not that deep. Plus I've talked to my mom, and she's more than willing to listen and make changes, but my mom herself has also reached the point where she can't deal with my wife anymore..
> 
> So here I am... I'm sorry this was a bit long, but this has been weighing on me for weeks, and I don't know what to do anymore. I love both my wife and my family of origin dearly, but right now, I see no peace in sight. I'm essentially cut off from my family. I feel like there must be a middle ground somewhere, but maybe I'm deluding myself...
> 
> Thoughts?



Ok, here's my thoughts. I and my H exactly same as you different countries, races, religions, etc. We have lived a large part of our married lives near his family who are nice to me but don't really include me all that much or call me on my birthday, etc. They are close knit though and in the early days my MIL was interfering to the extreme, which didn't stop till we moved over seas for a few years and she turned her attention to the other siblings.

1. Your wife should always come first, there is no putting your mother first (live with it)
2. The kids will eventually grow up and move on, what kind of relationship do you want with your wife? She will remember all the times you put her last, put your family first, times you did not support her though she should have been supported.
3.Your mother needs to back off, your wife is the mother not her. I know as a grandmother she has certain privileges but she needs to know her place. 
4. You need to be open with your wife, be loyal to your wife and keep communication channels open,
5. Do not be a ***** when it comes to the disagreements, have a back bone and show your wife that you are logical, supporting, loving and a fountain of wisdom.
6. Does your family dislike the fact she is a different culture/religion, etc? Be honest about these

I note you are leaning towards blaming your wife for all of this, you appear to be disengaged (because you don't have a backbone) and your family are perfect (in your eyes). I guess this is where the problem lies. You need to remember this. 

For many years I felt very alone in my marriage because nothing was ever his family's fault (he found out many years later that I had been right about many things but by then I didn't give a ****). I will also never forget how he put his mother, brother, sister, all first before me every time. so now when he has issues with them, I don't want to know. 
I did make an effort my kids to know them, etc and they are very fond of them, but now my kids are overseas so it really doesn't matter. I go to family functions, if I feel like it, if I don't I wont go, there's nothing he can do about it. If he has spent more time helping me cultivate an intimate relationship then things might be different. His parents are old now, I am no longer interested and when they get very old and need help, I will not be the first one to offer either. You reap what you sew, remember that.


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## LittleBoat

aine said:


> Does your family dislike the fact she is a different culture/religion, etc? Be honest about these


No. But there is a bigger language/culture barrier. Granted, that should not stop anybody.



> I note you are leaning towards blaming your wife for all of this, you appear to be disengaged (because you don't have a backbone) and your family are perfect (in your eyes). I guess this is where the problem lies. You need to remember this.


Not so. I recognize I have a lot of responsibility in my current predicament. I've taken the easy road (for me) a lot of times. That was ****ty, my wife resents me for it, and I deserve it. I also recognize that my family, while friendly, has not made efforts to get to know her or understand her. I see why she feels on the outside.

I still believe in this marriage. I'm here and in therapy to see how things can improve, even if that means taking a hard look at myself.

I need to ponder this thread for a bit.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your experience.


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## BigToe

Generally, I think putting your wife first and always having her back is good advice. However, wives have other roles and expecting them to be reasonable in those other roles is not too much to ask within a relationship. Assuming your side of the story is accurate I think it is highly inappropriate to "limit" your parents access to their grandchildren. This power play to show your parents who is "boss" by using the children is really a low blow.

I think first you need to talk to your family and make sure they understand the need to stay silent when your wife makes decisions about the kids or disciplines them, in front of them. This is just simple respect for her (and yours) parental role. I really don't think they are doing intentionally, just a normal grandparent response. But they need to be cognizant that it creates conflict and just bite their tongues.

Second, the reason for the personality conflicts between your wife and parents don't matter but need to be resolved for the health of the "extended" family unit. As described by you, your wifes personality is somewhat caustic and she is expressing intolerance to other family members that matter to you and the children. In her mind it's become a win/lose battle and you're one of the people that is going to have to choose sides. Try to get a third party involved that is unattached and not vested in either side to talk to her.


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## happyhusband0005

LittleBoat said:


> No. But there is a bigger language/culture barrier. Granted, that should not stop anybody.
> 
> 
> 
> Not so. I recognize I have a lot of responsibility in my current predicament. I've taken the easy road (for me) a lot of times. That was ****ty, my wife resents me for it, and I deserve it. I also recognize that my family, while friendly, has not made efforts to get to know her or understand her. I see why she feels on the outside.
> 
> I still believe in this marriage. I'm here and in therapy to see how things can improve, even if that means taking a hard look at myself.
> 
> I need to ponder this thread for a bit.
> 
> Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your experience.


I think you can attack this problem from two separate fronts. You can be supportive of your wife around your parents and be more proactive in making sure your wife feels more part of things. And you can also talk to your wife about being more easy going about small stuff. 

She might be quick to react negatively to things she might not need to because of past things where her negative response was well justified. I think she will be open to adopting your more easy going nature if she feels that you are on her side. You can work with her in setting boundaries of what "interference" needs to be addressed and what stuff can be ignored. 

I think an approach that could work is you can say I'm right with you about x y and z, they shouldn't be doing those things and I can commit to addressing these issues head on. However A B and C are small things that are just grandparents being grandparents and the benefits of having their support so we can get away, have more date nights etc. outweigh the negatives. 

The goal is for you and your wife to be united and on the same page. It might take some work to reach common ground but it will help everyone. It sounds like you see all sides so you are well equipped to mediate the situation.


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## pastasauce79

Hello, this is my second post on this forum. Me and my husband are from different countries, different languages, culture, etc. I'm Hispanic and I'm used to family drama (I absolutely hate it, though!) There's plenty of drama in his family but not the emotional type. If you have been having marital problems for a while, then I think this problem with your family it's just one of many issues that you guys have. I bet there are many more problems that you have been dealing with.

It hasn't been hard for me to be married to someone from a different race and culture because I've been open and accepting of his differences and he's been open and accepting of my differences. With that in mind, we have been on the same page on almost every issue, including my family and his family. It might help that we are both very easy going people who don't get upset over little things.

I've never had any problems with my in-laws. They have always respected me and my boundaries, and I'm not shy to let them know if they are crossing the line, and that goes vice versa. I don't like how they spoil my kids, but I understand most grandparents do that! I also want my kids to enjoy their company, we lived away from family for many years and now that we are close to family, I want my kids to have the opportunity to enjoy their company. I had great memories of my childhood around my grandparents, and since my parents live far away, I'm happy my kids get to enjoy at least one set of "abuelitos." They won't live forever and it pains me when I see situations like yours where grandkids can't enjoy grandparents company. Do your kids like to visit Grandma and Grandpa?

How is your wife's marriage culture? How was her parents relationship growing up? How is her relationship with her children?

It seems that she has a lot of relationship issues going on. Marital problems, broken friendships, broken family relationships, in-law issues, I think all of those are not really cultural issues but mental issues! She has personal stuff to solve before she can improve her interaction with others. I don't know if she's willing to work on those things, but by not going to therapy it kinda shows she's in denial of what's going on with her marriage and people around her.

Try to convince her to go to therapy. It can help her understand the cultural differences. It can be helpful to just talk to someone who's not going to tell anyone about what you said. What's her view on going to therapy? I know that some cultures see a therapist as a resource for "crazy people." Is she embarrassed by the idea of going to one? 

I'm not sure what can help your relationship, but I can assure you that a bicultural marriage can be a very successful and wonderful marriage if both of you accept and learn from differences. It's also fun mixing up things from both sides... 

Good luck!!


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## LittleBoat

BigToe said:


> Generally, I think putting your wife first and always having her back is good advice. However, wives have other roles and expecting them to be reasonable in those other roles is not too much to ask within a relationship. Assuming your side of the story is accurate I think it is highly inappropriate to "limit" your parents access to their grandchildren. This power play to show your parents who is "boss" by using the children is really a low blow.


We've had some conversations about this and I tried to convince her that it was unreasonable. It did not go well. In her mind, my mom doesn't like her and doesn't respect her, so why would she send her children to that woman, who has never shown any interest in her. She does want the kids to have a relationship with their grandma, but once a month is all she can handle.

The fact is that every time my mom comes up in a conversation, we fight for days. This has been going on for months, and we're both tired of it. In some ways, the less she comes up, the better we do...



BigToe said:


> I think first you need to talk to your family and make sure they understand the need to stay silent when your wife makes decisions about the kids or disciplines them, in front of them. This is just simple respect for her (and yours) parental role. I really don't think they are doing intentionally, just a normal grandparent response. But they need to be cognizant that it creates conflict and just bite their tongues.


I'll do that next time I go over. Haven't in a while.



> Second, the reason for the personality conflicts between your wife and parents don't matter but need to be resolved for the health of the "extended" family unit. As described by you, your wifes personality is somewhat caustic and she is expressing intolerance to other family members that matter to you and the children. In her mind it's become a win/lose battle and you're one of the people that is going to have to choose sides. Try to get a third party involved that is unattached and not vested in either side to talk to her.


More or less what we've come to is that we simply don't talk about my family at all. Whenever we do, we fight for days. She doesn't want any kind of involvement and she doesn't want to hear about any of them. Christmas once a year is all she'll do.

As for therapy, I've asked her again to join me in my sessions and she refused again. She says I'm the one who has problems, not her...


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## 3Xnocharm

LittleBoat said:


> As for therapy, I've asked her again to join me in my sessions and she refused again. *She says I'm the one who has problems, not her...*


Ugh. This statement. Sorry to say, its a good indication you are better off without her. I heard this exact quote from more than one ex. It says they take no responsibility within the relationship, and dont care how you feel about it.


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## LittleBoat

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think you can attack this problem from two separate fronts. You can be supportive of your wife around your parents and be more proactive in making sure your wife feels more part of things. And you can also talk to your wife about being more easy going about small stuff.
> 
> She might be quick to react negatively to things she might not need to because of past things where her negative response was well justified. I think she will be open to adopting your more easy going nature if she feels that you are on her side. You can work with her in setting boundaries of what "interference" needs to be addressed and what stuff can be ignored.
> 
> I think an approach that could work is you can say I'm right with you about x y and z, they shouldn't be doing those things and I can commit to addressing these issues head on. However A B and C are small things that are just grandparents being grandparents and the benefits of having their support so we can get away, have more date nights etc. outweigh the negatives.
> 
> The goal is for you and your wife to be united and on the same page. It might take some work to reach common ground but it will help everyone. It sounds like you see all sides so you are well equipped to mediate the situation.


In general, my wife doesn't see my mom anymore, so it's hard to make the relationship evolve. The last time she saw her was because I was sick and I couldn't go get the kids by myself. One of my kid hit the other, my mom said something, and things went south. It's been rocky since.

I think she has reached the point she doesn't care anymore. She doesn't want to see her, hear about her or talk about her. The kids can go once a month and that's it. She doesn't want or care for a relationship, an improvement, or anything of that sort. I guess my mom is at the same point.


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> To be honest your wife sounds like a very difficult woman to get on with and deal with. Very high maintenance. Hence her lack of friends and not wanting anything to do with either families. She clearly drives people away. She is clearly running your life, telling you that the children can only see their grandparents once a month for example is wrong in my opinion. She is only saying that because she is selfish.
> She is free to isolate herself if she chooses, but to keep the children away from grandparents? No, that plain wrong.
> You are right, she is unreasonable, very unreasonable.


I agree. It's as if she hates her mom, so everyone must hate their mom, too!

But meanwhile on Planet Real Life...


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## LittleBoat

MattMatt said:


> I agree. It's as if she hates her mom, so everyone must hate their mom, too!


She does hate her mom...

Where I'm stuck is my kids are young, my wife hasn't worked much all the years we've been together (had small jobs here and there, and then was stay at home mom), and she is immigrating in my country based on our marital status. All of this complicates things a lot. If we were to divorce (which I think about sometimes), I don't know how any of this would work on a practical level. Until both my kids go to school every day (next year), and she has some free time to find some kind of job, and her legal status improves, I don't feel like it would be a good idea to divorce. I'm kinda hoping that her having some more free time next year will ease things up a bit.

Some days I really want to make all of this work, and to question myself, and to basically cut myself from my family.. And some days I feel like I'm deluding myself, we've not been happy the entire time we've been together, and the outlook doesn't look so good..


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## 3Xnocharm

Do NOT cut yourself away from your family just because your wife is a B. I dont see the two of you being together once you are past whatever time is needed for her status.


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## MattMatt

LittleBoat said:


> She does hate her mom...
> 
> Where I'm stuck is my kids are young, my wife hasn't worked much all the years we've been together (had small jobs here and there, and then was stay at home mom), and she is immigrating in my country based on our marital status. All of this complicates things a lot. If we were to divorce (which I think about sometimes), I don't know how any of this would work on a practical level. Until both my kids go to school every day (next year), and she has some free time to find some kind of job, and her legal status improves, I don't feel like it would be a good idea to divorce. I'm kinda hoping that her having some more free time next year will ease things up a bit.
> 
> Some days I really want to make all of this work, and to question myself, and to basically cut myself from my family.. And some days I feel like I'm deluding myself, we've not been happy the entire time we've been together, and the outlook doesn't look so good..


Don't do that!  I have a feeling that you'll need your family.


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