# Do I do Christmas Eve with her ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm counting on you family don't let me down hey because I have no f'g idea !.

She left 8 wks ago for those that don't know and we have an 11yr old daughter.
she left because we'd been so rough the last few yrs and it was tearing her up and yes she met a friend she'd been leaning on and she wanted to start spending time with to - still on the scene as far as I know .

she reckons we should have Christmas Eve back here at the house , she wants to cook a big feast and open all the pressies , be a family for my daughter because they wanted to go to the inlaws for Christmas day because she's working right through the holidays and my daughter will be here the rest of it.
nother story !

should i do it ?
l still have so much anger at her , and I also don't really want her back in this kitchen pretending like this under the circumstances . i also just couldn't imagine it after all this .

but am I being childish , should i rise above it for my daughter . is that what i should do ?
we could do it at her new rental instead , but that might be even weirder , besides i know that other [email protected]@t would have been coming and going there when my daughters over here.

thanks people


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> I'm counting on you family don't let me down hey because I have no f'g idea !.
> 
> She left 8 wks ago for those that don't know and we have an 11yr old daughter.
> she left because we'd been so rough the last few yrs and it was tearing her up and yes she met a friend she'd been leaning on and she wanted to start spending time with to - still on the scene as far as I know .
> ...


She wanted the divorce?

Correct?

Give the defiant what they want.

You said it yourself.

Currently you are not in the correct emotional state to attempt this (that's okay).

Separate Christmas arrangements should be made then.

Live in reality.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

no it might give your daughter false hope


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't. She can't play the *****-hopping single 364 days out of the year and then pretend to be a loving wife for the camera on Christmas. She needs to figure out who and what she is and then be whatever that is 365 days out of the year. Screw a bunch of pretending.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

thanks for that and yeah you are right , it's just my daughter and all.

To think she'd probably never have her family again , it's just sickening.

So you people have got kids to or ? 
l 've read of some here that are trying to do stuff even like holidays together for the kids , but it must be so hard though.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> thanks for that and yeah you are right , it's just my daughter and all.
> 
> To think she'd probably never have her family again , it's just sickening.
> 
> ...


Yes.

I have 2 children.

6 and 4.

The idea of having a shared Christmas is no different to me than having a relationship.

If either party is not in a healthy state then there is no point.

At such an early stage in the separation, I doubt both parties see "eye to eye".

The last thing you want is each other trying to one up the other.

Think of it that way.

It would no longer be about your child, instead it would be about who is the 'better parent'.

Who knows what the future holds, but leave it as that.

Hoping will get you no where.

I can get down to the ground floor with you on the feeling that your child will 'not have a family' based on the fact that the 3 of you aren't together anymore.

Something I personally held onto for a very long time.

The thing is though whitehawk.

Getting right with yourself, becoming an independent person and father will greatly benefit your daughter by default.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Yes.
> 
> I have 2 children.
> 
> ...



thanks so much upnover , l love you man. and yeah l did wonder about you because you are so damn strong , l thought he can't have kids but there you go.
you rose above this filth for you and for them , and l and everyone else around here just thank you so much for all your strength and help.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> thanks so much upnover , l love you man. and yeah l did wonder about you because you are so damn strong , l thought he can't have kids but there you go.
> you rose above this filth for you and for them , and l and everyone else around here just thank you so much for all your strength and help.


4 and 7
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Whitehawk,
I tend to think of the more practical things that can really ruin a good time. How are you going to react when you two are sitting there watching a movie with your daughter and her phone beeps? Of course it will be a text from her "friend". Will you be okay with YOUR WIFE sitting there responding to his texts instead of concentrating on your daughter and the movie? Are you okay with going to her house to have "family" time and seeing the toilet seat up? How will you react. Until you can react to those situations with total indifference, you aren't ready to be around your STBXW yet. Just my $.02.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

She wanted out and has a posOM. You have some unresolved anger. No. This is not a good idea. Like others have said, how will you react if she starts flaking out on family time? 

Plus she made the choice. If she is feeling guilty or whatever and trying to make up for lost time or something it's too late. Yes it's Christmas. But things are different now. You aren't a family anymore b/c of her decisions.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Whitehawk,
> I tend to think of the more practical things that can really ruin a good time. How are you going to react when you two are sitting there watching a movie with your daughter and her phone beeps? Of course it will be a text from her "friend". Will you be okay with YOUR WIFE sitting there responding to his texts instead of concentrating on your daughter and the movie? Are you okay with going to her house to have "family" time and seeing the toilet seat up? How will you react. Until you can react to those situations with total indifference, you aren't ready to be around your STBXW yet. Just my $.02.



oh yea , i think of that. like the jar of coffee on her sill , i notice getting lower and lower everytime l go there to pick up my daughter.
she doesn't drink coffee - that f'k drinks my brand to boot - might lace it next time l see it , kill off some rats .
the text stuff oh yea l think of that too , and just hope she has enough class to set that up before she comes over. but all considerations fly out that window when they're like this don't they so nothing would surprise me .
that indifference in gonna be awhile for me.
thanks for your help.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> 4 and 7
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



ahh sorry lee , god they're hard ages , you all must have been through hell .
thanks so much .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> She wanted out and has a posOM. You have some unresolved anger. No. This is not a good idea. Like others have said, how will you react if she starts flaking out on family time?
> 
> Plus she made the choice. If she is feeling guilty or whatever and trying to make up for lost time or something it's too late. Yes it's Christmas. But things are different now. You aren't a family anymore b/c of her decisions.



yea i know , it's just about my daughter that's all , everything is now. and we said we would not let our crap , interfere or get stupid in anyway with our daughter .
that's all dandy for her though and them isn't it . me and my daughter are the ones that have to live with her [email protected] now.

well , we've hopefully reached a compromise on this for my daughter now because l ended up telling her to forget the cooking and stuff, told her she's abused and closed those doors now and will have to spend the rest of her days living with destroying our family.
not that she even seems to feel one damn thing about that anyway now but , it might kick in one day.

anyway we've got something quicker and simpler worked out now and that will be that then .

all the best to everyone and thanks so much for your help.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

The other day the 4 year old said dad why are u doing this to us and he had the nerve to ask me if I told her that. Really! Why would I involve a 4 year old in something that I myself don't understand. Have we not just spent the last 10 years together.
She was referring to him not picking up the phone when she called but he did not think that


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> oh yea , i think of that. like the jar of coffee on her sill , i notice getting lower and lower everytime l go there to pick up my daughter.
> she doesn't drink coffee - that f'k drinks my brand to boot - might lace it next time l see it , kill off some rats .
> the text stuff oh yea l think of that too , and *just hope she has enough class to set that up before she comes over. but all considerations fly out that window when they're like this don't they so nothing would surprise me .*
> that indifference in gonna be awhile for me.
> thanks for your help.


Hoping and Assuming.

Indifference cannot be gained until those two are dropped.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> yea i know , it's just about my daughter that's all , everything is now. and we said we would not let our crap , interfere or get stupid in anyway with our daughter .
> that's all dandy for her though and them isn't it . me and my daughter are the ones that have to live with her [email protected] now.
> 
> well , we've hopefully reached a compromise on this for my daughter now because l ended up telling her to forget the cooking and stuff, told her she's abused and closed those doors now and will have to spend the rest of her days living with destroying our family.
> ...


What did you decide on?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> The other day the 4 year old said dad why are u doing this to us and he had the nerve to ask me if I told her that. Really! Why would I involve a 4 year old in something that I myself don't understand. Have we not just spent the last 10 years together.
> She was referring to him not picking up the phone when she called but he did not think that


How did you react to it when he said that?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I blasted him! I shouldn't of but he crossed the line
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I blasted him! I shouldn't of but he crossed the line
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Next time try.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then say nothing and continue on with what you were doing.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

It was like a knife to the heart
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> It was like a knife to the heart
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand.

I have been through it too.

Give yourself this time.

It's okay.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I just dont understand how someone you have invested 10 years with acts like he has no idea who you are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have 3 kids... my son 24, step-son 25, step-daughter 23
Raise the two steps from ages 10 & 12
Divorced my son's father when my son 7. Remarried 3 years later.

Your wife wants to do this to make HERSELF feel better. She knows that at this time of year HER actions are hurting your daughter. I would not do it. Let her face her own actions and the reality of what she has done.

It's time that you start building new family xmas traditions with your daughter.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I'm not clear. Is Christmas Eve your time and she's planting her ass in on your time? Or is it her day and generously offering you extra time with your daughter? If it means time with your daughter you wouldn't ordinarily have had - I would take her up on offer. If she's honing in on your time, I'd tell her no thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Whitehawk,
You would like to think she would have class and turn her phone off before she comes over but the truth is she won't. She is so addicted to the OM right now that she not only wants to text him but CRAVES it as well. She will have no regard for your feelings on the subject and if you say anything to her she will get angry and call you controlling or say things like, "This is why we are not together anymore.", etc. By "hanging around" with her at this stage you are giving away your personal power to her. She has the OM so she does not see you in the same way you see her so she has the advantage. You want her and she does not want you. Until you get past that "wanting her" phase and move to indifference with her, you cannot hang out. How do I know this?

Simple, my STBXW and I are quite good friends. We see each other every day and we do what you are wanting to do with your children. With her DV, alcohol dependence (sober right now though) and multiple PA's I simply decided we can't be married anymore. She knows this and understands it. She has an OM right now. I don't care. We do have a boundary of no texts while we are having time with our children. Total indifference has been achieved. That is where you must get to before you can spend any time with her. You are not there yet.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Hoping and Assuming.
> 
> Indifference cannot be gained until those two are dropped.



takes time that's only natural.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Whitehawk,
> You would like to think she would have class and turn her phone off before she comes over but the truth is she won't. She is so addicted to the OM right now that she not only wants to text him but CRAVES it as well. She will have no regard for your feelings on the subject and if you say anything to her she will get angry and call you controlling or say things like, "This is why we are not together anymore.", etc. By "hanging around" with her at this stage you are giving away your personal power to her. She has the OM so she does not see you in the same way you see her so she has the advantage. You want her and she does not want you. Until you get past that "wanting her" phase and move to indifference with her, you cannot hang out. How do I know this?
> 
> Simple, my STBXW and I are quite good friends. We see each other every day and we do what you are wanting to do with your children. With her DV, alcohol dependence (sober right now though) and multiple PA's I simply decided we can't be married anymore. She knows this and understands it. She has an OM right now. I don't care. We do have a boundary of no texts while we are having time with our children. Total indifference has been achieved. That is where you must get to before you can spend any time with her. You are not there yet.


yeah and thanks btw too.
no don't assume i want her back bc as i've said many times round here , now that this had happened and the way that it has , i don't know if i even would want her back - speaking of which i'm starting a new thread on some developments.

but i dunno , i'm not to worried about indifference , it comes when it comes that's only natural , it's already gone a bloody long way , quite amazing really, 18yrs .

all this was blown out of proportion , it was only about a Christmas eve for me daughter . it wasn't gonna make or break anything .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I just dont understand how someone you have invested 10 years with acts like he has no idea who you are.



yea i'm sorry for the situation lee and neither do i . the people i read about through here and my own situation , it's a new world

bu.t hell i wouldn't even worry about giving him a serve lee, sounds like he needed it and really what difference does it make. not much at the end of the day but it may make him think about his children a bit more.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

well , done and dusted , no dramas and we're both glad we did .

in the end i just text her and said look it's a bit weird you coming over and cooking and stuff here after all this even for C.
why not just make some stuff at home and bring it with ya .
so we went that way and we were both glad we did . daughter had fun , no surprises or calls , no big deal at all and it really made a nice night for my daughter.

w f'd of home later , came back the next day to pick her up to go to grandmas and that was that. no biggie at all really and - i scored a great bottle of scotch and a very nice feed .


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Glad it went well Hawk. My stbxw actually wanted to stay overnight Christmas Eve "so she could be here when D6 woke up". 

Told her it clearly would just be more convenient for her, so no. If it was for D6 she could come over early Xmas morning. She didn't. Showed up at noon Christmas day. We opened gifts, she made dinner for us and she left. No drama. 

Your idea was good though. I should have had her bring food instead.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

zillard said:


> Glad it went well Hawk. My stbxw actually wanted to stay overnight Christmas Eve "so she could be here when D6 woke up".
> 
> *Told her it clearly would just be more convenient for her, so no*. If it was for D6 she could come over early Xmas morning. She didn't. Showed up at noon Christmas day. We opened gifts, she made dinner for us and she left. No drama.
> 
> Your idea was good though. I should have had her bring food instead.


Glad it went drama free.

Try not to tell HER how SHE feels.

This will only create more problems down the road.

Especially if it happens multiple times.

"I'm not okay with that".

Makes it about you.

She cannot argue (of course she may try) how YOU feel.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

thanks a lot Z , i'm so glad it went well for us both then.

but hey , she wanted to stay, ooo i reckon i would've thrown her in the spare room just to see if she tried sneaking in through the night Z , satisfaction


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> thanks a lot Z , i'm so glad it went well for us both then.
> 
> but hey , she wanted to stay, ooo* i reckon i would've thrown her in the spare room just to see if she tried sneaking in through the night Z , satisfaction*


Manipulation.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Manipulation.



could b fun though


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> could b fun though


Or childish.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

up , l'm buying you a sense of humor for Christmas.

only kidden z , l know what you've been through and l think you did the right thing. 
truth is l was faced with the same actually so l thanked her walked her out when l felt it was time and she just came back next morning.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> *up , l'm buying you a sense of humor for Christmas.*
> 
> only kidden z , l know what you've been through and l think you did the right thing.
> truth is l was faced with the same actually so l thanked her walked her out when l felt it was time and she just came back next morning.


I hope you got a gift receipt for it!

Gots me an abundance of humor.

When it's appropriate.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

yea i mean l guess with people not knowing me it's not really appropriately kidding stuff l know .
humor's helped me through all this though to be honest and even my own situation's sometimes seemed so insane l have actually thrown hands up and laughed at it's craziness. 

certainly no disrespect to z intended . lt's actually a compliment as you showed her z and the tables and power have turned and back in your hands !


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> certainly no disrespect to z intended . lt's actually a compliment as you showed her z and the tables and power have turned and back in your hands !


no disrespect felt on my end... from anyone here anyway


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> yea i mean l guess with people not knowing me it's not really appropriately kidding stuff l know .
> humor's helped me through all this though to be honest and even my own situation's sometimes seemed so insane l have actually thrown hands up and laughed at it's craziness.
> 
> certainly no disrespect to z intended . lt's actually a compliment as you showed her z and the tables and power have turned and back in your hands !


You may joke about whatever and in whichever manner you wish.

Trick is not to get emotionally caught up in it.

It can be a slippery slope.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

zillard said:


> no disrespect felt on my end... from anyone here anyway


ahh that's good z , happy Christmas mate.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

you too man. enjoy the new ****.


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