# What a total mind blow!



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ok, so know she had a terrible night because she says she is feeling so guilty and she said I made her feel like she was not worthy of my love because she now sees me working on myself and yesterday for reason she looked at my eyes and remembered how she fell in love with my green eyes. She was sobbing this morning, made me cry for us too. Said I need to help her get the house ready faster so we can go our separate ways because she can't still have feelings for me, all kinds - resentment, love, anger, guilt, can't be with but don't really want be without me. Why do I get the feeling that being apart won't make her feel any better. She also read to me some of her journal from last night; she wrote that she was afraid her illness was coming back because she's been feeling weird. I can't stand not holding her, I still care and love her so much, the pain is numbing. What a mind f-ck!!!! I am exhausted by it all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It IS a mindf*ck! All waywards are this way! She has feelings for you yet she wants you to get teh house ready for her faster. 

Don't play into this. 

Ya know why? Cause her ACTIONS will show you where she is at.

Words are cheap. 

As for you feeling like being apart won't make her feel better...your probably right. Because she hasn't figured out it's her that is unhappy, it's not something you are doing. And unfortunately, she won't realize this until you aren't living with her/there for her 24/7 anymore. Only then will she have the realization that she is responsible for her own happiness-not you.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Ugh I don't like that. She sees you moving on and now it's freaking her out. Once you get rid of me, you can't have me back! I was just thinking about this scenario this morning. What happens if he tries to get me back? Damage done, mister.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

90% of life is follow through. Do not deviate from the plan.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

It's been a long day folks. Still moving as fast as we can on the house.

OK guys, it's over. She was having a bad moment like I thought. She just said to me that she is afraid that since we are still in the same house that I am going to somehow get the idea that we still have a chance. So it is that she wants out. She fear her illness is coming back wich I told her not to think about that an and to trust God and the miracles he worked for us last year. 

I told her that worrying about me thinking that there is still a chance is something she doesn't need to think about that I would never consider holding on to someone that did not love me back. We are definitely over. She said she can not get past the resentment for what she says I did to our marriage. That can never hate me which is why she wants to remain friends. I think she is so bitter at me for what she feels caused our downfall. I am beginning to believe that it is all my fault. Why then 36 years? Why then did I suffer so much with her during her battle with the terrible desease she fought. I am afraid of how God will judge me on my last day. I tried, I was faithful, and I thought I was loving all those years. How did we raise such great kids if we were so bad together.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Realizing I do a lot of "mind fuc--- " to my H, but it's because I DO feel a genuine roller coaster of emotions. I friend put it all so very simply. I told her I felt I was "going crazy" with my crazed and erratic thought patterns, and she said," But every single feeling/thought is real, valid, and appropriate to the situation." I commend those of you on here who are resolute, and never, ever deviate or waiver, but I bet many more of you get it, and go back and forth a lot. Maybe the "resentment, love, anger, and guilt" is all quite real for her, "Brighterlight." I've said and felt every single thing she has. I don't think it's necessarily over for you. Don't give up on her if you still want to be with her. Women say all KINDS of stuff when they are hurt/confused, as men do as well.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I am afraid of how God will judge me on my last day.


I'd be more concerned about how God was going to judge her.

Sorry BL, I know this is tough on you and I don't have any good words of wisdom.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Kcrat, I felt that way to during my original post this morning but when she said to me tonight that her biggest fear is that I will think there is still a chance for us. That pretty much seals the deal for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> She said she can not get past the resentment for what she says I did to our marriage.]


That is her problem to deal with, NOT yours. Never forget that.
You were willing and receptive to work on your marriage--she wasn't. You did all you can do. My bet is she either uses that resentment and fear of the future in order to justify her wanting out. OR she is resentful and always will be...resentful people have a lot of anger inside and it's sad because they generally never ever can move onto healthy areas in their life if they hold onto it. But again, NOT your problem!!!




brighterlight said:


> I am beginning to believe that it is all my fault.


Wrong again. You were only ONE half of your marriage. She was the other half. You are responsible for things YOU did, but not EVERYTHING. She is equally at fault. 

Let her go.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

JB, thanks to much for your support. I feel like I am fighting two battles at the same time here. My impending divorce and the feeling that the stress she says I caused her brought on her cancer. I know it did not cause it, but I may have contributed to it by her being so unhappy. I don't feel like I can fight her fairly knowing she is ill. I can't say to her exactly how I feel right now, good or bad, because I am thinking, my God, as if it isn't hard enough to fight her and on up for my commitment to 36 yrs of marriage, but because I care so much about her health, that I can not have a fair fight with her. It's like fighting with one hand tied behind your back.

And now that I have learned the hard way from this experience and am getting back in shape, and learning to balance my life, she gets even more hurt and angry at me because she says she feels like she was she wasn't worthy of my love when we were married - after which I prompty reminded her who was right beside her every day for 13 months fighting and suffering with her while she was battling her illness, who dedicated a lifetime to her, what about three super great kids, my entire adult life, I was furious with that comment, it made me feel like I threw away 36 years of my life.

I need closure to this and so does she. I am sorry to pour out so much on here but I am thankful you all are here.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> JB, thanks to much for your support. I feel like I am fighting two battles at the same time here. My impending divorce and the feeling that the *stress she says I caused her brought on her cancer.* .


Wow. Seriously? She said that to you???????

That is sick. Truly sick. 

Did you file yet?


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

No she did not say it directly. But she hinted at it in another way. She said that she believes the stress she was under in our marriage was a catalyst the helped to bring on her cancer. Immediately followed by, but it wasnt just the stress you caused me it was pressure of other things like work, the kids. 

Am I wrong to read into that that I was a contributing factor? I was so hurt by that that I still believe that is true. How do I recover from that - the man that got her accepted into to the best cancer center, the man that was with her when our children were born. I gotta tell you, that wounded deeply when she insinuated that. I've lost her but I will be strong and move on. I am a great guy and I will make someone happy some day burmt for now I'm healing.

And yes my friend said that was sick too.

I have not filed yet. Cant get rid of this damn house yet but i am working on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> No she did not say it directly. But she hinted at it in another way. *She said that she believes the stress she was under in our marriage was a catalyst the helped to bring on her cancer.*


Well if she say you as the "catalyst" for her cancer then she has told you she thinks you caused it. 

Sick.

What steps are you taking in order to move on from this???


----------

