# I'm always paranoid ........



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

I'm over my STBXW. Haven't talked to her in over 9 months. Legal separation agreement is signed and we are just in the waiting period. Right now I'm dating an awesome woman, who "for now" is x10 times better than my STBXW. However, I just feel paranoid around her family and friends. I keep thinking people are saying "he's divorced?" "You sure you want to date a divorced man?" Etc...etc... How do i get out of this feeling? I hate being divorced or soon will be that way in a couple of months. She has never been married, but she knows my situation and obviously doesn't care (since we have been dating for about 2 months now). I just hate how everybody in her family is on the gravy train with marriage and i just feel like the odd ball out..........

I still feel like i have failed myself and my beliefs, but I couldn't change what the STBXW wanted. Takes two to tango you know. Anyway to help get out of this mentality? I just feel people are saying crap about me behind my behind back. Am i just an overly worried person?


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I have had the same feelings of failure in the past, I know where you are coming from. With that said you need to stop feeling this way. If you tried to save the marriage, and did everything possible, then she is the one that failed. She broke the wedding vows, she failed at being a wife. I have often pondered about if in the church, I am a sinner, because I am getting divorced, even though my hand was forced. I'm not sure what they would say, but I had no choice, then was no way to stay married. Like you said it takes two hearts to make a marriage, but only one to break it.

As for people talking about you, this is always going to happen. Please like drama, and will talk about you every chance they get. All you need to do is focus on you and your happiness. If you have been 100% honest and upfront with your lady friend, and she is OK with it then what is the problem? There is only really one person that needs to be OK with your life, and that is you.


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## Welsh TXN (Feb 4, 2012)

I have had the same feelings I have dated a wonderful girl for the last 8 months and am having the best time of mylife considering what i put up with for the last year and half of marrige, when i went to see my girlfriends parents for the first time it was hard i though to myself they would be all over me questioning and judging me but i found that they were accepting of our relationship her parents are divorced along time and i have have met both sides and they have both welcomed me in with open arms.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

the idea of committment behind marriage was important to me. If the marriage itself was betrayed by her, the very meaning of my own committment, and the dignity of maintaining that promise made by "me", was still in force, even though she ran out.
I waited until I had a judge's signature confirming my divorce, and then could date with a clear conscious. 
If I had betrayed my promise, even while she was seeing other men, I would feel like the same level of low-life that she is.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

legiox said:


> However, I just feel paranoid around her family and friends. I keep thinking people are saying "he's divorced?" "You sure you want to date a divorced man?" Etc...etc... How do i get out of this feeling?


Why do you care about what these people say or think? :scratchhead: Let your girlfriend deal with them. They are her problem. 

I'm SO not getting involved with anyone else's friends and family. Personally I'd just tell them to f*ck off. It's just part of my natural personality and charm.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am guessing you are fairly young? In my age group plenty of people are divorced.

Anyway what people say or think about you is a reflection on them, not you. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are, unless of course you are not a good person, in that case work on yourself.

Stop the paranoia, if you can't then seek some IC. You are wasting your time and energy worrying about this stuff.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Until you stop believing you are failure, you can expect that paranoia/negative feeling you have to continue.

You have to believe you are a good person before anyone else will.

I wonder if this paranoia from you stems from the fact that you are still married and you wonder subconciously what her family thinks about her dating a man who is still married (cause you are). Because inside you'd warn someone away from dating someone who is not divorced yet from their SO? Transference? 

Anyway, so you're (almost) divorced. Welcome to 50% of society. You weren't the first nor will you be the last to ever get a divorce.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I found that when I opened up about my situation, that there were many people who supported my decision and they also shared their stories with me. It was good to know I wasn't alone. 

YOU have to accept the fact before anyone else is going to accept the fact. Or maybe they accept it, but you can't see that because you are feeling so ashamed. 

My mom always says, "It is what it is." Meaning, you can't change this. It happened, it's over. Whether you made mistakes or not, it is time to move on. You can't go back in time and life is too short to spend so much time on regrets.

And if her family doesn't accept you because of your divorce? Well, that's their problem and you don't need them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Why do you care about what these people say or think? :scratchhead: Let your girlfriend deal with them. They are her problem.
> 
> *I'm SO not getting involved with anyone else's friends and family. *Personally I'd just tell them to f*ck off. It's just part of my natural personality and charm.


Meeting friends and family is actually a good thing to do, especially at this stage and age in life. It can be a good indicator of the "real" person you are dating. Do they form good relationships with others, are their family and friends quality people etc, A person with few friends and family connections would be a red flag for me.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Holland said:


> Meeting friends and family is actually a good thing to do, especially at this stage and age in life. It can be a good indicator of the "real" person you are dating. Do they form good relationships with others, are their family and friends quality people etc, A person with few friends and family connections would be a red flag for me.


Honestly I don't care. I'm not looking to settle down with anyone. I just want to go out and have fun and do not want to get entangled with anyone else's family AT ALL. I'm DONE with all that crap. I don't know what stage and age in life you are at but I'm through giving a crap about whether or not someone else's family likes or accept me. 

I care about the person I'm hanging with and that's it. I'm not doing family stuff with them. I have my own family. You keep it on your side of the fence and I'll keep it on mine. 

If his friends are cool and like to party I'm down with that. I'm always into socializing and having fun. That's pretty much where I'm at.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I do struggle with still feeling embarrassed when telling people that I a divorced, but I totally agree that it was not my fault so I always make sure to say that my ex is the one who left. Most people tell me that they are shocked that it happened, can't understand it at all. Today someone asked me if he had a mental breakdown. I just shrug and say, whats the difference, he is gone, I need to move on. I still wish it hadn't happened, its not the way I thought my life would be in my 50's but I am not going to let it keep me down


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Freak that is different if you aren't looking for anything serious. When I was dating around I wasn't interested in their lives. \

Was talking more about if the relationship is headed down the serious path. I needed to know a lot about SO before I would allow him into my kids lives or even my home. Getting to know his family and friends was all part of the process for me.

Age/stage - me mid 40's, 3 years post separation, am currently in a relationship with a fantastic man and am working towards it being long term situation.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Holland said:


> Was talking more about if the relationship is headed down the serious path. I needed to know a lot about SO before I would allow him into my kids lives or even my home. Getting to know his family and friends was all part of the process for me.


I can see that. But I have no intention of getting to that point again. Been there, done that and I hated being involved with my ex's family, or having to deal with MY family. That's all in the past now. My kids are older and what I do doesn't concern them much because I keep it outside the home. But I can see your point. 



> Age/stage - me mid 40's, 3 years post separation, am currently in a relationship with a fantastic man and am working towards it being long term situation.


That's awesome! :smthumbup: I don't want anything long term. I'm almost 50 and newly divorced with two older kids. I hope to be relocating in 3-4 years and I don't want anything or anyone derailing that so I have no intention of getting into a LTR.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Life has a funny way of making plans for us. I had no intention of getting into a serious relationship, not for a few years anyway. SO and I pretty much met by accident and now we are where we are. At least this time round Freak I know so much more, my expectations are very high and SO has met and exceeded them. No illusions though, I am a much more in tune woman these days. Sorry am in rambling mode today 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I wish you the best of luck.  I'm pretty determined to get out of NJ and don't want an LTR derailing that, plus I've spent the last 20 years yearning for my freedom and finally have it. It's nothing something I'm going to let go. 

Yesterday I spent the evening downloading some pics from some road trips I did 10 years ago and it only reinforced my feelings about this. I don't want to live out the rest of my life and die here, doing the same thing over and over again like so many people I see around me.

It's fine now in the interim but as long as my health holds out I want to experience what life has to offer and what and couldn't do then and can't do now. But once I have the freedom to do so, I'm outta here. 

I sure wish I was into backpacking cuz I'd love to walk the Appalachian Trail but 40+lbs on my back is a bit daunting, even for me.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hope everyone gets a chuckle out of this but I actually considered telling peope I was a widower.

Stretch


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Freak freedom is just so important, there are different ways to have it I have found. For me it is cycling, I feel free as a bird while riding.
I also have freedom in the way I live my life because I have created a world that suits me, I work from home, have a great co parenting situation, plenty of "me" time and generally do what I like.

I hope you get to make the move you want to. Where is NJ? My big thing ATM is that I am about to buy a house to renovate, will do lots of the work myself but will also employ a handyperson to help. Such a great challenge for me and I am so excited.

*Stretch* yeah funny but it might not be a good pick up line. Widower would be well and truly off my list, too much sadness and be compared to the dead wife, no thanks.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Holland said:


> Freak freedom is just so important, there are different ways to have it I have found. For me it is cycling, I feel free as a bird while riding.
> I also have freedom in the way I live my life because I have created a world that suits me, I work from home, have a great co parenting situation, plenty of "me" time and generally do what I like.


For me, freedom is to be able to do what I want, when I want and how I want without any hassles. Because of my life situation right now I can't do that. Some of it's financial and where I live. For me to go and do the things I want to do (outdoorsy stuff like hiking, kayaking, camping) it involves travel and I don't have the freedom to do that now. 

I find other ways to compensate and when I can, I do it. Hopefully I will be able to do these things in the future. 

I love traveling. That's when I feel most free, when I can hit the road in my car, with the top down and just head out on a long trip. I miss that a lot. I used to do it earlier in my life but as the sole wage earner/parent right now that's something I can't do at this time. 



> I hope you get to make the move you want to. Where is NJ? My big thing ATM is that I am about to buy a house to renovate, will do lots of the work myself but will also employ a handyperson to help. Such a great challenge for me and I am so excited.


NJ is New Jersey. A state on the east coast of the US right near New York City. We are the most densely populated state in the country and it's one thing that really bothers me. On the other hand, we have a great night life with lots of things to do and see and that's what I'm concentrating on right now. 

However, if you want to take a hike or go camping you gotta drive about 2-3 hours minimum if you want personal space and room to breath. My dream is to head out west and explore an area of the country I haven't been. I've traveled all over the east coast already. 

I've never been a "house" person. The whole aspect of being tied down to a house never appealed to me at all. I like the idea of being able to pick up and leave at any moment. I also like the hassle free nature of being in an apartment. If something breaks, I call the apartment manager. It's not my problem. I see my friends being home on weekends working on their house and I shudder. They are mowing lawns, painting and renovating and I'm off at the beach relaxing or hiking. No way do I want a house. 

In fact, anything that smacks of being "tied down" scares the living crap out of me these days. Now that I have freedom I'm desperate to keep it. 

My ex wanted me to take some money years ago that I got from selling my car and use it as a down payment buy us a house. I refused and bought another car instead and went on a lot of road trips with it. I don't think that helped my marriage any but I had some GREAT road trips in the following 5 years so I don't regret that decision.

I know he resented these type of actions from me and when he came into money it caused him to do the same back at me. So he wasn't entirely to blame for what he did back at me, it's how he's treated the kids that I have problems with. 

Yep, the marriage was destroyed by my ex husband in the end but my actions over the years were the slow cancer that sickened it. We both played our part. Oh well.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Funny. As l start feeling better l must admit
l often do enjoy the space and freedom.
Freedoms always been very important to me so
l work from home too.
When it's goin ok l might only work a week or
two a mth or a day or two a week, depends
on the job. Or others might be 10 days straight
or a couple of weeks. Thats a long job in my work
and l make damn sure l do a few weeks kickin back
after it.
l was renovating when l wasn't on the couch
or down the beach but we're selling now and so
because it's been such a hard 6mths l'm thoroughly
enjoying some serious couch time between
jobs lately.
Today l fixed a window been thinking about
for 12 mths , took an hour and my daughter
and l spent the rest of the day watching 8 or 9
Super Natural .
l'd be totally screwed without my self employedf
reedom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah l'm dreading the thought of having the
divorced label too, at least that's how it feels to me.
Really hoping anyone new is divorced too
because it might sound stupid but l'd feel
sort of like a second hand failure if she hasn't
been married.
l'm really not looking forward to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I can't imagine in this day and age thinking anyone is a failure because they are divorced. 

More and more I'm thinking they are pretty damn smart. :rofl:


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I can't imagine in this day and age thinking anyone is a failure because they are divorced.
> 
> More and more I'm thinking they are pretty damn smart. :rofl:



Gee that's nice to hear from a female Freak, l know it's stupid
but l am so embarrased about it and l don't get embarrased
too often. 
Your right really though, l never bat an eyelid at
anyone divorced either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

whitehawk said:


> Gee that's nice to hear from a female Freak


I'm not your typical female. But you already know that.


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