# I need help



## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

I am happily married and my husband and i have a great marriage except for the lack of sex. He refuses to try, always says too tired, stressed or he drinks to much. He has recently told me numerous times that I need to go elsewhere and have sex with someone else. I feel the need to have sex but i have mixed feelings. Is it ok to take him at his word and have sex?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

No, it's not OK

The two of you need to try and fix this!

Has it always been like this? How old are the 2 of you? How long married? Kids? Ages?


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## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

He is 55 and I am 40. Married 18yrs. We have 4 daughters. He works long hours at a very physically demanding job. We have tried everything. he is not interested, those are his own words.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I suspect it will be the start of the end of your marriage. Jealousy and emotional connections to your partner being the first things that jump into my thoughts...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

He has said " I don't want to know when you do it, Just be safe and satisfied."


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

iammama said:


> I am happily married and my husband and i have a great marriage except for the lack of sex. He refuses to try, always says too tired, stressed or he drinks to much. He has recently told me numerous times that I need to go elsewhere and have sex with someone else. I feel the need to have sex but i have mixed feelings. Is it ok to take him at his word and have sex?


My now ex-wife told me to go looking elsewhere too. Eventually I stopped wanting to discuss this issue. It became one of a few reasons we divorced.

I'd get to a marriage counsellor. At this stage, I think he's pretty much tuned you out and doesn't want to listen to what you have to say. He will likely need an independent voice to tell him that he needs to actually listen to you rather than just telling you to go have sex with someone else.

In a nutshell, what he's telling you is that you have a problem, he doesn't, and it's your problem to deal with and figure a solution for, not his. That's not a good attitude to have towards anything in a marriage, and that goes ten-fold for something like sex which can only be satisfied by your spouse.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

iammama said:


> He has said " I don't want to know when you do it, Just be safe and satisfied."


Completely cold and callous in my opinion.

As I posted earlier, seek out a marriage counsellor. I would also begin planning for an exit stretegy from your marriage. I'm not saying to leave, or give it a lot of thought at this point, but start to stick away some money and make arrangements just in case that happens. It's best to be prepared, just in case he refuses to respond to your efforts to fix the issue.

I'd also advise not taking him up on his offer of finding someone else. It seems clear that you don't support the idea of an open marriage, so don't do it. Be prepared to leave though, as clearly you are unhappy and it seems possible he won't work with you to fix this issue.

Rest assured, you are completely correct to think this is an unfair situation you have been put in, based on what you have posted above.


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## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

At this point neither one of us is willing to leave the marriage. I am perfectly content in every other aspect of our life. I am considering open marriage as an option.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Is he suffering from ED by any chance?

There are a ton of alternatives he can look at if he is but you would need to get him to a urologist for evaluation


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## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

I forgot to mention that. Yes he does have ED, He cannot take any of the drugs according to his doctor. Even when we discussed alternantives he was not interested.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

iammama said:


> I forgot to mention that. Yes he does have ED, He cannot take any of the drugs according to his doctor. Even when we discussed alternantives he was not interested.


Well there's the problem right there. He's avoiding shame.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did he have his hormone levels checked?

How long ago did he stop having sex?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> He has recently told me numerous times that I need to go elsewhere and have sex with someone else. I feel the need to have sex but I have mixed feelings. Is it ok to take him at his word and have sex?


As a man I would have to have something seriously wrong in order for me to ever say that to my wife.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Does he know about the options other than oral medications?


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## DrunkenH (Jul 29, 2012)

iammama said:


> He has said " I don't want to know when you do it, Just be safe and satisfied."


Hell, do it if you want to. If you don't want to, don't. I learned long ago that one must be happy for oneself. You only get one crack at this life, so do what you gotta do to make it as happy for you as possible.

Please ignore the high horse puritans who expouse that something is always wrong or something is always right. Bullsh*t. Life is not black, it's not white, it's varying degrees of grey. 

Again, do what you want.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I would suggest your husband is suffering from depression. He needs to find a way to work on that, get more sleep and reduce the stress in his life. The longer he goes like this the less likely he will be able to recover.

For you I guess you have some decisions to make. Do you wait/hope for him to get better or do you move on? If you get involved with other men you run the risk of falling for them. The knowledge you are doing that, whether he knows the specifics or not, will only drive your husband into deeper depression.


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## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

He refuses to even consider any options. He has decided he is happy the way things are and has no desire to seek other options. So that leaves me to either give up sex or go else where. Like I said I will not leave the marriage.:scratchhead:


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

iammama said:


> He refuses to even consider any options. He has decided he is happy the way things are and has no desire to seek other options. So that leaves me to either give up sex or go else where. Like I said I will not leave the marriage.:scratchhead:


So he refuses all forms of help (counselling, medication, etc.)?

And you refuse to leave the marriage?

If so, you seemingly have two options. Find a sexual partner outside the marriage, or go sexless.

I don't see what else is left to discuss at this juncture.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I wouldn't consider this a real marriage any longer. He's putting you in a terrible position. Because you won't "leave the marriage" you now have to choose between giving up on sex or going outside the marriage which will make you the one guilty of breaking your marriage vows. You're between a rock and a hard place.


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## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

Thank you for all the responses to my issue. I really think I have made a decision. I will stay in my marriage and will deal with this as it comes up. Right now there is no one I would like to have sex with but if the time comes I will make the best choice.


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