# H Failed Test



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

OW's H confronted her about my letter - as I suspected she would, she texted my H - I hadn't told him about it because I wanted to see if he would tell me when she contacted him.

He failed the test miserably - which opened the door for discussion about transparency and hiding things. 

Time will tell, but I think he finally gets it. Hiding things is no less harmful than an out and out lie. He's now looking for an app for his smart phone that will allow him to block her number (he checked with his carrier and they don't offer that service).

Feeling pretty good today - I think we've made some major progress this week. Thanks to all of you for your input and advice - and have a great weekend!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Nice tactic BTW


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

My husband also lied when I already knew the truth.

For example, there was someone who was sending me emails outing him when he contacted OW.

I still don't know who it is, but they say they are a friend who has been through this themselves and thought I should know.

These emails sent proof that he was contacting her. He denied this even when I knew and asked him if there was anything else I needed to know.

He would at those times look me dead in the eye and lie. The scary part is that he did it so well and with such sincerity. 

I have worked in professions in which reading people well is part of the job, I was good at reading others, but I could not read my own husband 

I feel like such an ass. I thought I was married to a good and honest man. 

Sigh!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

the guy said:


> Nice tactic BTW


:iagree:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you in the US? AT&T offers this. It's called "smart limits" and I use it to control my son's cell phone usage. Also, it sounds like you didn't make him write a hand written no contact letter to her. Maybe you have, sorry I don't know your back story, but if he hasn't done this, he needs to.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I wonder if your H is shaking in his boots now that the OW's H knows


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> My husband also lied when I already knew the truth.
> 
> For example, there was someone who was sending me emails outing him when he contacted OW.
> 
> ...


I know what you mean Sara - it soon becomes difficult to believe anything they say. In my case, H has been caught in so many lies I think he's finally realized that eventually I will get to the truth ... so it's better to be honest up front.

It's taken us 10 years to get to this point though, so I'm not saying it's easy - baby steps along the way. You need to decide what you will and will not tolerate from your H and determine how much stamina you have to stick with it.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Are you in the US? AT&T offers this. It's called "smart limits" and I use it to control my son's cell phone usage. Also, it sounds like you didn't make him write a hand written no contact letter to her. Maybe you have, sorry I don't know your back story, but if he hasn't done this, he needs to.


We're in the US - but his is a company supplied cell so he can't change carriers. 

No - no contact letter - but frankly, her texts this week were the first in years. He stopped seeing her about 10 years ago, so it's a bit late for NC. I do wish I'd found this group way back when though - it's nice to communicate with people who have been through similar things.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I wonder if your H is shaking in his boots now that the OW's H knows


He seems a little uneasy, that's for sure. He's afraid of a blow up of some sort because the OW is mentally unstable. I'm to the point that I don't care what she does - she can't hurt us any more than she already has and I've now got enough ammunition to bury her if she tries!

Gettin' fiesty after all these years - yeah for me - it's about time!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My ex-H tried to tell me that his OW's H was abusive and would become violent if I outed her. After the OW lied to me and cc'd my ex-H in reply to my confronting her, I saw that she was trying to make me look like a paranoid wife and getting him in fully on her story. When my H was home on a 3-day pass in order to keep me from filing for divorce and ruining his deployment and thus his tax-free housing allowance he could only get if married, to pay for equity in the house that was only in his name "because he wanted to make sure we could afford the mortgage only with his income", I informed the OW's H via email with an email she had sent my ex-H in 2002 confessing undying love (he was single at the time...) and please delete because her H should never find out about it. My ex-H had printed it out and saved it with her photo album. Her story was that it was a silly high school romance and that they were 'just friends' since then. She graduated high school in the 1980's! lol.

Her husband was very understanding and very grateful. I heard from her family that she was a vicious controlling b*tch to her husband, was controlling of her sons and wouldn't let her H do much parenting at all, that she would lash out at him and that she had a history of using her sexuality and body to get her own way. She had been tall and slender in her youth...as she aged she lost the looks but not the personality trait. 

It was really funny that she wrote a long long email to me explaining how I was all paranoid about something that had only happened in high school. Seeing as how I had that email from 2002, she just showed how ridiculous and two-faced and deceitful she could be. I sent that to her H as well. lol.

Heard she lost her full-time job. She probably needed all that time for therapy. At least her husband finally learned the truth about her, and that there was a reason she was so crazy all those years he couldn't figure out what he was doing wrong as a husband. Nothing really. She was just out to lunch in delusional land. I think probably she was a victim in some respects of my manipulative sexually motiviated power and control minded ex-H. I think there is a list of conquests, most women just give up but I guess since she had her H she could come and go. Good thing she never divorced her H to be with my ex-H, that would have been a bad move. But hey the plan was to get together when her kids turned 18. So there's still time for her yet. When the karma bus pulls up to her curb, my ex-H will be in the driver's seat. Let the punishment fit the crime is what I say. 

Liars I think get away with their lies because some of the lies are so ridiculous that honest people think that there is no way someone would try to get away with it, so it must be true.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

This affair happened 10 years ago???


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My ex-H's? Yes, he was on again off again with this woman. Well, maybe not ever off again. lol.

Apparently SHE was married and HE contacted her, and then accepted her declaration of what if and could have been and oh oh oh the angst of being separated. There was physical contact, he lied about it. That was at least in 2007. Right after he started dating me. He said he hadn't seen her in 5 years. So, lies right from the start. 

I believed him. He was a good liar. But I ended up being a true believer, meaning I had physical reactions to lies, body didn't want to accept what the mind did. lol. Good thing, once I lost logic, I had to go with intuition entirely, and it was right.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> My husband also lied when I already knew the truth.
> 
> For example, there was someone who was sending me emails outing him when he contacted OW.
> 
> ...


I am the opposite. I can tell the moment my wife is lying. I became a master truth/lie detector all in a few months. 

I am glad you are so strong Jin, keep it up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jinba said:


> OW's H confronted her about my letter - as I suspected she would, she texted my H - I hadn't told him about it because I wanted to see if he would tell me when she contacted him.
> 
> He failed the test miserably - which opened the door for discussion about transparency and hiding things.
> 
> ...


I just checked the android market on my phone and there are TONS there. However, you need to read the info on each before choosing. Make sure it isn't one that just "hides" texts/calls. There are a couple I saw there that do that. I suggest you help him pick out the app, so you get the right type.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> I have worked in professions in which reading people well is part of the job, I was good at reading others, but I could not read my own husband
> 
> I feel like such an ass. I thought I was married to a good and honest man.
> 
> Sigh!


I know the feeling. My own WW was SO convincing, and I even had a class on interviewing suspects in the police academy. Before all this happened I was so proud of her, thinking she's one of the most honest persons I've ever known. I thought for sure she could NEVER lie to me. Boy, affairs sure do change people...or thats who they really are and you only fell in love with the image they portrayed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I know the feeling. My own WW was SO convincing, and I even had a class on interviewing suspects in the police academy. Before all this happened I was so proud of her, thinking she's one of the most honest persons I've ever known. I thought for sure she could NEVER lie to me. Boy, affairs sure do change people...or thats who they really are and you only fell in love with the image they portrayed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes LM:

That is what bothers me the most. I, too, was bragging about how honest and good my husband was during the months that he was cheating on me.

I have to wonder if that was in him all along, and I just projected all the goodness onto him because that is what I wanted in a marriage.


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