# WW use of these forums



## bsnone (Aug 3, 2011)

I'm curious, as I've recently (yesterday) found these forums and they have opened my eyes to so many things, I wonder what experiences members have with their cheating spouse reading these forums? Did it help them see their ways? Was it helpful at all? Did it improve recovery? 

I'm really tempted to ask my WW to read these pages, to maybe maybe see what is really going on. 

The more I look at this like an addiction, the more it makes sense to me. I myself am a recovering compulsive gambler (3 years, 2 days) and I see SO many of my old patterns in her behavior through the affair. 

Anyway, your help is appreciated.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I used to share certain posts and threads with my WW. She now has an account and browses regurally. We have enough respect for one another....and other board members that we do not argue with one another in threads.

We also would not post something that we would not want each other seeing.

This has not been a bad thing. And I think she got to see that im not crazy be seeing everyone going through the same things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Does nothing other than give them better and more unique ways to get away with hiding their addiction...new responses...new lies to tell. 

this place is the freaking zen garden of ideas for "how to get away with it for a long time. and what NOT to do."

sorry...but it's true. If anyone wanted to know how to cheat and not get caught all they'd have to do is read the stories here...like studying to be a cop so you can break the law and not get arrested.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

WhiteRabbit said:


> Does nothing other than give them better and more unique ways to get away with hiding their addiction...new responses...new lies to tell.
> 
> this place is the freaking zen garden of ideas for "how to get away with it for a long time. and what NOT to do."
> 
> sorry...but it's true. If anyone wanted to know how to cheat and not get caught all they'd have to do is read the stories here...like studying to be a cop so you can break the law and not get arrested.


Agree unless they have earned the Former in FWW, waywards get more info from the affair sites on how to deceive than here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Interesting thoughts.... however it does not bother me. If my wife decides to cheat again im doomed and can do nothing to stop it. Does not matter how she does it. So it does not matter to me. 

In other words.....she's going to cheat....or not cheat. Reading this forum is not going to change that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I This has not been a bad thing. And I think she got to see that im not crazy be seeing everyone going through the same things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All it took was for her to come here to see that you're not crazy??? I'm signing my wife up today!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I share with WW, she can take it or leave it, just like anything with her, when its new it interesting, when its old its not. Especially when its 45 yrs old.....just kiding babe ;-)


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Jayde.....lol. I think she just assumes we are all crazy.

Just kidding.. I really think it has helped her understand more about how I feel and why I feel that way. She also discovered some of the other forums here and enjoys look at them. She actually makes most of her posts on the sex in marrige forum. That place is interesting. And we all know how the hysterical bonding stuff is a boost for the sex life. She may as well learn some new tricks...lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As a wayward I'll say that this forum and the people on it have helped me tremendously. My wife and I have kind of done it backwards as she just found and joined this site.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H has broswed the forums, including this one. He hates it. He thinks it "gives me ideas", plants seeds of doubt in my head and is destructive to my state of mind. He is very against me posting.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

W- my WW has made that same remark, but she also thinks I'll screw up someones marriage with all that "manning up" I get into.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> My H has broswed the forums, including this one. He hates it. He thinks it "gives me ideas", plants seeds of doubt in my head and is destructive to my state of mind. He is very against me posting.


Sounds like my husband. He thinks it cast doubt when in reality his actions are casting them. I guess I am learning to much here. To close for comfort ya know what I mean. Has never reas anything not to my knowledge. I have read a few post to him but nohing has some of it.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My SO and I are both members. We have not posted on the other's threads.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> Does nothing other than give them better and more unique ways to get away with hiding their addiction...new responses...new lies to tell.
> 
> this place is the freaking zen garden of ideas for "how to get away with it for a long time. and what NOT to do."
> 
> sorry...but it's true. If anyone wanted to know how to cheat and not get caught all they'd have to do is read the stories here...like studying to be a cop so you can break the law and not get arrested.


I disagree completely. If anything, it showed me the opposite - how easy it is to track the DS. 

And I'm learning alot about how it affects the LS. 

I guess I need a F before my initials.


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## seductive (Aug 12, 2011)

hey..everyone, I was just following this forum for last few days,today i got registered. What i can tell you is I am a WW wife, and i see how it affect you guys. I thought he dont care at all...now I see all do cares!!!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You are a WW and you chose "seductive" as your name on the forum.....lol I'm sorry that is priceless.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

And she is in Morroco! How well do WW get accepted there these days?


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

:iagree:

It-guy, my thoughts exactly. And I'm a WW.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

My DS told me about the forum after he had been getting help on it for awhile. When he felt like he was in a good place emotionally, he let me read all his posts. Some of it was hard to read, but in the end it has helped me. He couldn't really tell me all that he was struggling with because at the time I would have taken it not for what it was- an addiction, not love, that he had to accept, process, and deal with. He has gotten so much help here, and I was able to see into his head at a time when I could read it for what it was. We have worked to uncover what he needed emotionally that made him engage in EA. We respect each other and would never use the site to argue or vent, but it has helped us both to understand both sides-pain is different, but there for both! I forgave my h, still not sure he has forgiven himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

i'm here for 2 understand life better. 1 child 50 with a solid marriage,1 that is a tornado & not knowing when she will touch down,ever; she is 55. should slow down any day I would think.1 child a reasonably good musician, carpenter, and father. but can't maintain a relationship 4 more than 5 years. he has two sons by two lovely bipolar ladies,and raising them {bye his self}. and 1 that fights and argues constantly with the love of his life. they have been married 26 years. did mom & I make it look too easy??


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It depends on the character of your WW.

If you are posting, can she understand some of your words don’t tell the full story? Some words are just vents and rages? Can she not read between the lines and instead actually talk to you if she believes there is something behind the words instead of making assumptions about where your head is? Can she not cherry pick and use things out of context to further harm you? Will she use your postings as a weapon instead of something to talk about? How thick is her skin?

And you. Can you do the same without screaming bulls’t every time she post something you don’t think is accurate or foggy? 

It isn’t easy. My wife tried a couple times. And always got herself banned because she used forums like this to paint a alternate reality to prove some point to me and find support for her foggy notions of me being an abusive, controlling husband. Her stories were exaggerated, lacked a ton of background, and never ever painted herself as at fault. She’d dodge questions from those trying to figure out her story.... then they’d figure out ‘who’ she was married to, my story, and put it all together.... and she was run out of town because of who she is: Defensive and goes on the attack when people call her out. And like others mentioned, my wife also learned some ‘bad things’ like how to continue her EA underground undetected even when I was vigilant in trying to discover things.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I got here because I was searching for info on emotional affairs. It seemed that what I was finding was written from the POV that the reader was having an EA and that advice to end the EA was to the reader...... not to the betrayed partner.

This board has been useful because I was caught in that hole where I was supposed to think that opposite sex friendships were so cool and if I wasn't down with it, then I was jealous and insecure.

This board really helped me to understand what is really going on. For example, a man and a woman meeting one on one is a date. IF your partner doesn't agree to that because they are just friends, then well, it's date like. And for me it was particulalry galling because I was unemployed due to cancer treatments and my (future) fiance was happy to pay whenever he saw his "friend" but would nickle and dime me on dates between us. 

We got that sorted out. He has since cut all ties with her and we are now engaged. So some situations are worth saving. 

I think a lot of people have weak boundaries and those are situations that can be saved if the WP really values the relationship.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I think it will help if the WW Spouse really wants to fix things. Otherwise it is useless. I tried printing out a few posts and threads for my Ex-wife and all it did was cause her to smirk and care even less then she already did.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

My WW was the person who directed me here. She was still foggy as hell, and in her own pitiful way trying to figure a way out of her mess of a FalseR and 'recommit' to marriage. She even linked me to a thread where the WW eventually got a D, but thought people like Beowulf could provide some insight to recovery. 

Dday2 hits a few short days later, and I started a thread, she started her own soon after... full of huge lies and holes. A few days later I get the real truth out of her... huge bombs dropped on me- and I really think I have TAM to thank for it. 

I think it even helped to have us both on here... there's two sides to every story after all. I'm pretty sure reading all the betrayed's point of view helped illustrate and drive home the lasting damage she had done. 

Now, about six months later, TAM is likely hampering our R. Triggers, seeds of doubt, rehashing old pain, and the occasional jerk poster all contribute to the cloud of negativity. I hope to come back to help other BSs but I'm not quite confident to give advice just yet


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am sure you will both get there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Racer said:


> It depends on the character of your WW.
> 
> If you are posting, can she understand some of your words don’t tell the full story? Some words are just vents and rages? Can she not read between the lines and instead actually talk to you if she believes there is something behind the words instead of making assumptions about where your head is? Can she not cherry pick and use things out of context to further harm you? Will she use your postings as a weapon instead of something to talk about? How thick is her skin?
> 
> ...



:slap::slap:

Was she here on TAM ?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

bsnone said:


> I'm curious, as I've recently (yesterday) found these forums and they have opened my eyes to so many things, I wonder what experiences members have with their cheating spouse reading these forums? Did it help them see their ways? Was it helpful at all? Did it improve recovery?
> 
> I'm really tempted to ask my WW to read these pages, to maybe maybe see what is really going on.
> 
> ...


As a fWW - I can honestly say that I learned a lot from reading this forum but it was because I WANTED to learn. 

Had I come here just to find ways to justify what I did, it would not have been effective at all.

Like many, I had to have a thick skin and learn to listen to the advice under a lot of the anger.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Racer said:


> It depends on the character of your WW.
> 
> If you are posting, can she understand some of your words don’t tell the full story? Some words are just vents and rages? Can she not read between the lines and instead actually talk to you if she believes there is something behind the words instead of making assumptions about where your head is? Can she not cherry pick and use things out of context to further harm you? Will she use your postings as a weapon instead of something to talk about? How thick is her skin?
> 
> ...


I think I remember, was this her?

Do I have to tell?

There were other threads where she painted you as controlling and abusive. Of course, mention abuse and some members come running to defend her.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

bsnone said:


> I'm really tempted to ask my WW to read these pages, to maybe maybe see what is really going on.


Sure tell her to come on over. I'll give her an earful!!

Or is it an eyeful?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> I think I remember, was this her?
> There were other threads where she painted you as controlling and abusive. Of course, mention abuse and some members come running to defend her.


Nope.. not here. On another site where I used to be active with the BH’s... and you’d have to go back to 2009 when I left here to participate there with her (they were friendlier to WS and highly moderated because I knew she'd get defensive)... That’s the last time she sought out online support and was dismayed at the 2x4's. (and again why I caution a wayward.... there are plenty out there who will not be understanding or nice and prefer to bash... it takes thick skin)

One of the reasons I am here is because my WW doesn’t know this site at all. She is of the character type where she will cherry pick and remember things written days after DD and bring them up as though they are my current thoughts...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Racer said:


> Nope.. not here. On another site where I used to be active with the BH’s... and you’d have to go back to 2009 when I left here to participate there with her (they were friendlier to WS and highly moderated because I knew she'd get defensive)... That’s the last time she sought out online support and was dismayed at the 2x4's. (and again why I caution a wayward.... there are plenty out there who will not be understanding or nice and prefer to bash... it takes thick skin)


That site is highly moderated but more for BSs than for WS. The wayward vets there don't go soft with newbies, blameshifters... not at all.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

it-guy said:


> Interesting thoughts.... however it does not bother me. If my wife decides to cheat again im doomed and can do nothing to stop it. Does not matter how she does it. So it does not matter to me.
> 
> In other words.....she's going to cheat....or not cheat. Reading this forum is not going to change that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems to me that a betrayer can use these boards to learn how to betray without getting caught- look for VAR's...


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Seems to me that cheaters already know how to go about without getting caught. I think there is an innate sense that they have to make this happen. When they get caught it always seems that they are at a lot in life where they want to get caught so they become less caring about hiding the affairs as if to almost flaunt it in their spouse's face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

I thought the wife and I had a few things to fix or straighten out. after reading for a couple mo's. I know were fine. work around things, talk to each other about everything, and don't beat each other up with new info. have a great life.


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