# Letting Go of Anger



## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

Hi all,

My husband and I have separated again (married for 12 years, 2 young children), but are still living together while we sort out finances. I have a couple of posts on TAM about our issues. 

Quick background - He had an EA 2.5 years ago with a coworker. We separated for three months, but I took him back after our son got diagnosed with cancer. After two years of treatment, our son went into remission (two months ago). A couple of weeks later, my husband told me the marriage is over and he hasn't loved me in years. He blamed it all on me (lack of attention, etc.). 

Well, over the last month, I've uncovered a lot of crap. He's been head over heels in love with another coworker while I've been nursing our son back to health. I confronted him and he still won't admit it even though I have proof. He lies constantly and has basically abandoned our kids. He goes out 5 nights a week to bars, restaurants, or movies. The days that he is home, he lacks any patience for our kids and can only deal with them for a couple of hours at most. He also wants to be my best friend and gets upset when I don't want to hear about his day. If I don't answer his calls or texts, he flips out. It's infuriating!

So now I'm left with two emotionally distraught kids, the finances, the house, and the stress of finding a job (I haven't been able to work because my son has needed full-time care). While I'm freaking out about how to get my life together, he's out living it up almost every night. I'm so frustrated and beyond angry! I can't even make eye contact with him when he is home. 

Does anyone have advice - how do I let go and get past this anger?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very early days. While he is is still there its impossible to be able to even begin to heal. In your place I would tell him to go, he can stay with friends or family for now. Why should you have to have him there when he is going out cheating on you?

I hope that you have some family help with your child ill etc.


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## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

It definitely feels like it's impossible to heal. We moved last year and now live 1400 miles away from our friends and family. We're stuck and it feels awful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OrangeCrayon said:


> It definitely feels like it's impossible to heal. We moved last year and now live 1400 miles away from our friends and family. We're stuck and it feels awful.


Its not impossible to heal but it will take time, and its not going to begin until he does the decent thing and moves out. if he ends the marriage then it may be best for you to move back to be hear your family. It will be good for the children to have their wider family close as well.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Has he filed for divorce? If not I would recommend you seek out a lawyer and file to protect yourself and your kids. 

Your stuck in the surreal land of limbo at the moment, in order to begin to heal you must force yourself to move forward. Channel your anger into getting your life back, the more control you take back of your life the faster you will begin to heal.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

he's a week person. he couldn't deal with all the problems......a sick child a wife who was preoccupied with caring for her child that was gravely sick. 

so he's running away. good riddens. it will be tough but your a strong person! see a lawyer know your rights. call your family and see if and when the **** hits the fan if you can stay with them as you get on your feet. document his absents to show he's not vested in his children.

best of luck stay strong!


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Sorry to hear of your situation, OP. Sounds awful and completely unacceptable of your husband.

You gave him a second chance, so don't be surprised if he's reverted back to his cheating ways. As bad as the situation is, it will help your anger to accept it at face value and set zero expectations for change. He doesn't seem like much of a husband or a father, so pushing him to be responsible when he has skewed priorities and won't change only stands to aggravate you further. Stop. Just accept the poor decisions he had made. It can lessen your anger if you promise yourself you'll not settle for this marriage of infidelity; his change becomes irrelevant in the context of the marriage ending. 

You need to get divorced when it's possible; begin mapping your escape plan. Keep the evidence of the husband's infidelity; that should give you an upper hand on how communal property is split and spousal/child support. 

Your husband seems controlling and prone to anger. Don't incite him, but keep the conversations with him curt and practice avoidance when possible. Focus on your kids, as you have been doing.

If he's the only one working and you're caring for your children full-time, you're probably going to need his financial support until the divorce. Consult with a divorce attorney to better understand your rights and options.

Circling back to the matter of anger, in the long-term you'll likely find yourself consumed with this. You'll be angry in the future over things that happened in the past, but realize how this does nothing for you and your children, and stands to interfere with your enjoyment of your times beyond a bad marriage. Stay committed to not letting this get the best of you.

Life gets better. Good luck!


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Here is what helped me get rid of my anger towards my wife. It's not so much about the other person, it's freeing up yourself.


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## JO79 (Apr 20, 2017)

I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes. I Don't Know What I Would Do. But you can do this!!!! Take care of those kids. Do a 180 and remove him from that destructive environment he made. You are not a doormat.


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## famlvfbr (Apr 4, 2017)

You should consult a lawyer to protect yourself and your children.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are early into this, and its perfectly OK to be angry. In fact at this point, it can even be helpful, it motivates you to keep moving forward. It will help prevent you from falling for any bullcrap he may throw your way. I would suggest you tell your H to get out of the house, go live with family or friends. Honestly that is the respectable thing for him to do since he insists on carrying on with another woman. AND has the nerve to blame everything on you! What an ass.


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

Lawyer immediately. 

Look into your rights to move back home and take the children with you. 

Start documenting everything. His interaction with the kids. When he comes and goes. You goal is to convince a judge it's ok for you to return home where family and stability are for your son's well being. Then ask for immediate temporary spousal support. You quite your job to take care of your kid not get cheated on and treated like this. 

The anger isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I'm 6 months into living with my STBXW while she has cheated the entire time and purposely done things to make my life miserable. Best advise I can give is this. Email. DO NOT SPEAK. Email or text everything. If he talks politely ask him to email you. Tell him you dont want to upset the kids and walls have ears. This helped me a lot. You have no idea how many times I wanted to just tell at my ex and tell her she is this or that but I'd write an email. Rewrite the email. Rewrite it again and now or would be good, and heartless but atleast I didn't call her any names. 

Read a lot. Here. Books people here recommend. Find a hobby for you and the kids and go do that once a week. I do t know how old they are but parks are free, a tv show is an option. Do something consistent with them to help them and you through this. I volunteer with cubscouts and while I am not as active now I go to all the meetings in uniform and take my son's.

Get a list of people you can call and talk to. I rotate who I call so I don't bother the same person everyday. I call and catch up with these friend or family members one every day and just talk. Sometimes is about what's going on. Outside opinions usually don't help because people won't tell you you're wrong but sometimes just someone listening to you helps. 

Watch out for traps people fall into. Drinking. Porn. Unhealthy new relationships. These are a real threat try and be mindful of them. I'm not an expert this is just based on my experience from my first separation and from this hopefully a lot more permanent one lol. 


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