# poll



## betrayedhusband (Apr 17, 2010)

Is being a victim of Adultery worst than being a victim of Rape?


Yes

No


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## betrayedhusband (Apr 17, 2010)

Here is some info on the subject (courtesy of Dr Harley...MB website):


From "Defending Traditional Marriage" pg 143:


Quote:
An affair is devastating to a betrayed spouse. It’s one of the most painful experiences that he or she could ever endure. In fact, most betrayed spouses cannot think of a single tragedy that is worse for them than the affair. Consider these examples (names have been changed to protect their identity)

* Nancy's father was murdered, her mother died of a very aggressive cancer in the same year. Both were very close to Nancy, and their sudden deaths were devastating to her. But she reported that the pain she suffered from her husband's affair was far more devastating.

* Cindy had been sexually molested by her father in her early teens. Yet her husband's one-year affair with a woman he met while away on business created far more trauma for her than her father's irresponsible behavior.

* Julie was raped by a stranger when she attended college. She told us that the rape paled in comparison to her struggle with her husband's two year affair with a female co worker.

* Robin was gang raped when she was twenty three. She reported that her husband’s one year affair with a woman he met at a local bar was much more difficult to overcome than the physical and emotional damage from the rape.

* Chad's six year old son died in a backyard accident. He said the pain he suffered from his wife's affair with a neighbor was far greater than the pain from his son's tragic death.

* Sylvia's younger sister was raped and murdered by a stranger when Sylvia was twenty one. But her husband's five month affair with a co-worker caused her to suffer more than the brutal death of her younger sister, whom she cared for deeply.

These are just a few of the testimonials that we have recorded when counseling victims of infidelity at the Marriage Builders Counseling Center. Scores of others have told me the same thing. A spouse's affair is the just about the worst experience in anyone's life.


Dr Harley also discusses it here:

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have
had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once. 

:iagree:


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I think I am not qualified to participate in the poll as most fortunately I have not been a victim of rape and my husband has not had an affair to my knowledge. 

However, having read through the list of experiences the one that sticks in my mind is the one about the death of a child. I think if most people had to choose betwen their spouse having an affair and the death of their child then the spouse could go sleep with the whole neighbourhood. 

With the other scenarios, it's difficult to say.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I have to agree with Advacado. While the only tragedy I can relate to is my spouse's infidelity - I think I would have to say, hand's down that I would rather deal with that than the other scenarios listed. Sticking out for me too was the death of a child. I can say with 100% certainty that I would rather have my H sleeping around versus anything happening to my children.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Your question was affair or rape. Which is worse. Your examples on the other hand mention a child dying. No question about it, a child dying would be the worst pain for me......ever. **Shudder**
My first sexual "experience" resulted in being raped. I will not go into details as it is too painful. 
I have now been married for almost 17 years to my husband. My former fiance however cheated on me with a "friend". 
To answer your poll: cheating hurt worse. Why? Because a rapist is somebody your don't have trust in, love, care about, take care of and have an emotional bond so powerful with that only catastrophy could destroy that.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I have unfortunately been in both situations.
My situation may be a little different.
When I was 14 years old I was raped, lost my virginity, by date rape.
Maybe it is the fact that I do not remember most of it, just shattered fragments almost like a bad dream. What I do remember is the physical and emotional pain I went through. 

The "boy" who raped me told everyone the next day in school, I was a new student, only attended this school for 2 months. I was spit on as I walked down the hall ways, men (seniors in highschool/college boys) offered money for me to have sex with them, called names, paintballed etc.

I do have some unresolved issues with what happened to me, but I do believe the A was a worse pain. It is not hard to believe that someone you barely know could be a monster, but your own spouse betraying you is a hard pill to swallow.

ETA: Compared to your examples above, I believe that losing a child would be the worst pain I could ever go through. I can honestly say that if my DD did not exsist, I would have taken my life the night I found about the A.

But if I ever lost my child, I would have no reason to live. 

An affair can be worked through, and in some cases strengthen and restore the marriage, to where it is even better than before. I could not get through losing my child no matter what the resources, counseling etc I had at my disposal.


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## mitsi_mirage (May 10, 2010)

Being a victim of adultery involves emotional hurt. Being rapped is both emotional and physical. 

They can both have an affect in your life, but being rapped has the emotional trauma including physical consequences as well.


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## Tezil (May 20, 2010)

Brennan
I think I have to agree with you in the part where you say:

"To answer your poll: cheating hurt worse. Why? Because a rapist is somebody your don't have trust in, love, care about, take care of and have an emotional bond so powerful with that only catastrophy could destroy that. "

Although I have never been a victim of rape, I have been a victim of a cheating husband. I found out Nov 2009 and its now May 2010.. There is not one day that goes by where it hurts so much to know that My husband, the one I have been with for almost 8 years, the one I trusted with my eyes closed, who I gave my life to the day we married betrayed me like that. And all just because of a f%%#en bit*h worth nothing.. And now because of that I have so much anger inside of me its affecting me a lot.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I've been a victim of both, and I voted for the pain of an affair being worse than the pain of rape. 

I was physically abused as a child by my parents. This messed with my mind and the way I developed (like my definitions of love, boundaries, etc.) but as an adult, I dealt with it. I was raped in college by a boy who was at a party--we were both fairly drunk. Although I felt angry, scared, and hurt...it was someone I didn't know and who didn't really know me. 

With the affair, I loved my husband. Sure he was abusive and mentally ill but we had a life together, business together, children together. We had a past and a future. I KNEW him and he knew me deeply, and he was still able to do that to me.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I've been a victim of both, and I voted for the pain of an affair being worse than the pain of rape.
> 
> I was physically abused as a child by my parents. This messed with my mind and the way I developed (like my definitions of love, boundaries, etc.) but as an adult, I dealt with it. I was raped in college by a boy who was at a party--we were both fairly drunk. Although I felt angry, scared, and hurt...it was someone I didn't know and who didn't really know me.
> 
> With the affair, I loved my husband. Sure he was abusive and mentally ill but we had a life together, business together, children together. We had a past and a future. I KNEW him and he knew me deeply, and he was still able to do that to me.


I was about to type out why I felt it was worse but I think Affaircare answered it perfectly :iagree:


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