# Ahhhh! Can't win!



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

So my wife is quite LD, but as some of you who have read some of my previous posts know, once she gets going, she's a beast in bed. The sex is relatively rare (2-4 times a month, maybe), but it's GOOD, so I don't complain too much.

It's always initiated by me, always. The extremely rare time I don't have a hand in it is when it's been "too long", and her way of initiating is pretty much to say exactly that, or something along those lines.

After years of calm and constructive discussion with her, she seems to have finally "got it".

So, after yet another discussion about this issue (ie me not feeling wanted, her never being sexual until we're in bed actually having sex, etc.) we turned a corner, it seems.

But I screwed it up... lol. Well, I can't say *I* screwed it up, it just didn't quite work out.

I came back home late one evening after going out to play my weekly sports with the boys, and she's in bed, dressed in lingerie (but sleeping). After I shower, I crawl into bed and snuggle up with her, she wakes up, and one thing leads to another.

But it didn't lead very far. Although she was dressed and ready for it, and seemingly willing, she still left it up to me to make the moves (which is fine, I'm usually the aggressor), however I was tired after an hour of running around and sweating, so I was hoping for a bit more 50/50 split on the touchy-feely.

So strike #1.

So I move my hand south, under her panties, and after a few minutes of this she pretty much barks "would you just take them off already?" (I guess they weren't too comfortable, and the backside of them were riding up into her nether regions... lol)

I feel she could have been a little more, uh, sexy, in asking me this, or just have removed them herself.

Strike #2

She finally gets a little handsy, and starts to touch me, but I was just out of the shower, and her hands were DRY. No lubrication whatsoever. And she was a little rougher than I'm used to, so big time chafing. I don't say anything for a little bit, but it got to the point that it was more painful than pleasurable, so I tell her it's a little uncomfortable.

Strike #3

Once we get over all of that, my drive is waning a bit, but we start kissing pretty heavily. She usually bites my lower lip (which I like), but for some reason she really chomps down on it this time, and it made me yelp in pain and pull away. It still hurt the next morning (no blood though).

Strike #4

So at this point, I have no drive, the blood is no longer going where it's supposed to, and I pretty much tell her this isn't happening.

She acts all upset, and rolls over. I try to spoon her, but she's having none of it. She's pissed.

I barely slept that night... aaargh. Here she is, finally making an effort, but somehow she/I sabotaged it.

I start to wonder if it was all just a cluster ____ or if somehow subconsciously she sabotaged it. Or geez, even consciously.

What do you guys think? There was NO way I could continue, it wasn't happening. It was one thing after another.

Did I miss my chance and now things will never get to that point again, and I'm back to square one?

It's almost (ALMOST) funny how it worked out. Just my luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Alexm: If you feel that you need to communicate this to her, tell her exactly what you just told us in your post! Only do it at the appropriate time and as loving and succinctly as you can!

And if presented to her right, I truly believe that the both of you will be dying laughing about those unfortunate, unforeseen turn of events ~ and hopefully back to where you left off at, and with far better results!*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Fails happen. At least you both are working at it. I have had to give my wife directions around the penis before and have had similar issues just out of the shower.

I don't think either one of you blew it. You have to be doing something too mess up at it.

Just keep up the encouragement and be especially attentive to her for her effort.

Gotta walk before you can run and sounds like you two are making progress.

Here's hoping for the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

My wife and I have had several attempts that failed in the past because we were simply out of sync. Sometimes when we were trying to start something up she was just to silly, giggly, and I wanted mad dog sex. So it gets awkward and we just stop because we knew it was opposite day. I used to call her Phyllis diller which was my signal that we were in different moods. Then I would gracefully get up and move on to other stuff


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Well, I guess I am going t have to be a little harsher -sorry.

I think it is going to be up to you to keep this on track. 

It seems to me she made a serious effort and you let her fail which will not help her ego. When a woman goes to the trouble of dressing up the last thing she wants is a fail. 

strike 1: she had probably imagined that you would be more aggressive

2: if something is uncomfortable change what you are doing before there is a problem

3: maybe she was trying to be a bit more frisky but pain is pain and accidents happen, I still think you could have waited a few minutes and been fine.

4: if you are going for a 50/50 split this was a bad idea.

Bad luck really -it sounds like you really where not in the mood last night so it was a bad time for her to try to initiate. Try to salvage it as best you can and keep trying to build her confidence.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Fails happen. I've been lucky and the wife and I are usually as to power through for at least a partial victory. 

Shoot her a text and ask for a redo of last night. No need to asses blame for what happen. Just, lets try again. You can think of sometheing ever to say to justify it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

She wants you to _take her!_ Do it, man! Stop whining about chafing, for goodness sake, and jump her bones. 

Secondly, there is an expression in literature: Show, don't tell. That applies to sex, too. There is a time to talk to your wife about what you want in bed, but it's not in the heat of the moment. If you're chafing, take charge and and change the position or grab lube or something. Don't complain, take action.

When your wife makes the effort to initiate, get dressed up, and flirt heavily, take it from there. Sometimes you're tired, or not in the mood, or your hair isn't in place, or whatever. Work with what you have--improvise. It's like when you're first dating and she cooks you dinner. You don't toy with it and say that you're not really into spicy food tonight. You eat it and look happy about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Send her a text and ask for a do over. If you want her to keep trying to initiate, you're going to have to take all the blame for last night, sorry Alex. But if you say one negative thing that even hints at her fumbling last night, it will be a cold day in hell before she initiates again.

What you saw last night was her lack of knowledge on how to do what you want her to do? Frustratingly simple, one would thing. Maybe she'll go to the web and google how to seduce your husband? But if you do that same google, you won't get specific instructions on where to touch, how to touch, what to look for... 

Send her a text today, apologize for last night, take all the blame, then say, tonight we do it over again only this time. I want you to start kissing me, then roll me over, sit on my chest, then slowly lower your night gown for me. If she does this, then you have to take over and be the aggressor.

When my H first started telling me he wanted me to initiate, he would lie there. He would let me do all the work not ever touching me. It took YEARS for me to be able to say, you know, I need to be touched if I'm expected to enjoy it!!!! So just because she starts things, you still have to touch her and get her off! Of course I'm sure you already know this.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Hey guys, thanks for the responses (all very constructive, too!)

This happened a little over a week ago, not last night. Not sure why that matters, but there you go. And yes, we definitely communicated the next day about it. I apologized, said it was NOT her, and that it really was just a comedy of errors.

First and foremost, we've had our fails over the years, so this is nothing new. It's just the timing of it was atrocious. This was really the first time that I can remember her ever planning ahead/surprising me/not just saying "let's do it", know what I mean?

Yes, I was tired, but I was more than willing and able. No problems there. I don't get it that often, so I power through when I'm tired, so I'm used to that.

What I found was this real juxtaposition of her being in lingerie, and waiting for me - which was very sexy, especially because it's so rare - versus the manner in which she went about it all, right from the start.

I know when my wife wants me to be aggressive and take her, and it wasn't that night. So I took my time, did the right things (she even had an orgasm, orally, before I just couldn't go any further), but everything she was doing and saying was just so... NOT sexy.

It truly was a comedy of errors, and I don't (and didn't) blame her, and I didn't point blame at either one of us the next day. But she was STILL pissed and didn't really want to talk about it.

I am afraid that she won't make this effort again, and it's going to go all right back to me, like it always has been, and that sucks. I don't mind being the aggressor, but not ALL the time. Even us manly men need to feel like our partner wants us, and not just when WE make it known that "it's time".


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What if you sat on your bed and directed her movements? She would be the physical aggressor but wouldn't have to fumble and guess about how to do it the way you like it?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I feel your pain Alex. My wife couldn't give a hj to save her life.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I feel your pain Alex. My wife couldn't give a hj to save her life.


I'm sure if she knew she was going to die, she would be motivated to figure it out quickly.


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

I didn't read the entire thread in response, but I did see people suggesting the various things you were doing wrong in this scenario. Meh. How about what *she* did wrong?



alexm said:


> So I move my hand south, under her panties, and after a few minutes of this she pretty much barks "would you just take them off already?" (I guess they weren't too comfortable, and the backside of them were riding up into her nether regions... lol)
> 
> I feel she could have been a little more, uh, sexy, in asking me this, or just have removed them herself.


Your wife owes you an apology for that, regardless of the circumstances.  I'm not sure what the heck *she* is pissed about... if I were you *I'd* be the one pissed off. 

edit: She probably thinks she deserves a medal for putting on lingerie, so she can act however she wants once she has it on. The way I see it, when she married you she agreed to satisfy your sexual needs, which involves devoting a bit of effort to understanding how you tick, sexually. That's her *job.* (you can't get your needs satisfied anywhere else, and they aren't going away this side of retirement). You say you are reluctant to lay blame, but I think you're being a bit easy on her.

(My wife said something like that once: "would you just get on with it already?" (this was after like 30 seconds of foreplay). I was pretty pissed off by that. I've since made it clear to her that I need a modest amount of foreplay, and if she expects to have sex with me she's going to have to live with that).


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I feel your pain Alex. My wife couldn't give a hj to save her life.


lol, I feel your pain! 

But really, it wasn't that. She knows what she's doing, and she's good at it. This was just dry hands and a little bit too much grip. I liked her enthusiasm, but not THAT much!

Like I said, this would be laughable, if I didn't get the feeling that it may have scared her off from trying like this again...


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