# can a married woman have a friendship with a man online?



## zebra (Dec 19, 2011)

I am 30 years old. A kind but quiet and shy woman. My husband is always busy. He likes to sit before the computer all day and we don't talk much. Many times i discuss about this with him but there are not changes. I think he has no one else but it is because of his characters and jobs, and he does not love me much. I always feel lonely and want someone to talk with, besides going to work and caring my kids. Then i installed some chatting apps to chat with strangers whenever i have free time. I feel better to talk with them from different backgrounds and places. Among them, there is a man who is unmarried and broke up with his ex-girlfriend. We find comfortable when talking and share many stories about culture and life. He told me he want to consider me as his younger sister and i agreed. We talk with each other quite often and i encourage him to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend again. I don't know much about their current relationship now but i always want good things for him and her. I cannot understand me anymore. I know that i don't want to have any affair with him (i also told him that and he agreed), just like a male friend to talk with and comfort me when i am mentally alone. But i cannot let my husband know this and also have a guilty feeling becaused i am an asian married one. We are from different countries, never meet and just talk about culture and normal life. Whenever he drops me a line then we start a conversation about a certain topic, but recently i rarely start conversation first. Sometimes i think if he stops writting to me, i would also feel fine and would not start first.Could somebody give me an advice? Should i stop chatting with him or we can continue talking as friends? Thanks a lot.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is a bad idea. Why?

Sooner or later he will find out and this will cause a lot of problems in your marriage.

You already have problems. Why add more?

I would recommend that you and our husband go to a good marriage counselor.

If he refuses, then you may need to consider a separation.

Living in a different culture and country is very hard to do. I would try to make friends with other Asian women in your area, same country.

What is your husband doing on the computer? Is he talking to strangers also? Is he looking at pornography? Find out what he is doing. This could be part of his problem.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This is why you shouldn't be doing what you're doing...



zebra said:


> ...i cannot let my husband know this and also have a guilty feeling...


In concealing this relationship from your husband, you are creating precisely the type of environment in which this innocent friendship can develop into something far more inappropriate.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Come on you know this is jacked up. This is a recipe for an EA, which then leads to sexting and then meeting up for the real deal. Read the threads on CWI section. There are countless of affairs that started exactly this way.

Instead of investing on some stranger on the internet, you better put that effort in shoring up your marriage. There is a book called Not Just Friends. I highly recommend you read it. 

You're on the path to be one of those women that commits adultery. Once you go down that path, it can wreck you permanently. Some woman are not able to have normal relationships without the excitement of the sneaking and lying that goes along with cheating. Not to mention that most decent men would consider a former adulteress only ONS and STR material.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

No, I don't think so. You will begin to share with the online guy things that should be between you and your husband and it will become a problem. Put the laptop down and demand that your husband talk to you. After all, that is his job as a husband.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

What the others say.


Work on the problem right before you. Do not try to escape because it will lead to destroy your own identity.


If you do not confront him you will be hurting yourself more and more. It's like going to the dentist, you can postpone it, but the pain later on will be worse. The sooner you pass this fight which lies ahead of you, the better you will feel.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Very very bad idea OP. Highly inappropriate. Because you are married.

I am great mates with some lovely men here on TAM, which my husband is aware of, but only on the public boards. We don't exchange private messages/emails or anything like that, that would be so inappropriate on so many levels...and if my husband was doing that I wouldn't like it one bit.

You need to put a stop to this right now.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> What is your husband doing on the computer? Is he talking to strangers also? Is he looking at pornography? Find out what he is doing. This could be part of his problem.


Probably just avoiding [relationship] life by over-focusing on other things.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Very very bad idea OP. Highly inappropriate. Because you are married.
> 
> I am great mates with some lovely men here on TAM, which my husband is aware of, but only on the public boards. We don't exchange private messages/emails or anything like that, that would be so inappropriate on so many levels...and if my husband was doing that I wouldn't like it one bit.
> 
> You need to put a stop to this right now.


But then again, you are not married to a blockhead who seems as if he doesn't give a tuppeny dam about his wife or her happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zebra (Dec 19, 2011)

Thank you a lot for your advices. I want to follow and stop these things. But i have one more question: should i delete all those apps and disappear before him without a word? Or should i have a straight conversation with him i tell that i want to stop and pls understand for me. If i accepted to be his younger sister before, should i at least say something before stop talking with him?


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

zebra said:


> I am 30 years old. A kind but quiet and shy woman. My husband is always busy. He likes to sit before the computer all day and we don't talk much. Many times i discuss about this with him but there are not changes. I think he has no one else but it is because of his characters and jobs, and he does not love me much. I always feel lonely and want someone to talk with, besides going to work and caring my kids. Then i installed some chatting apps to chat with strangers whenever i have free time. I feel better to talk with them from different backgrounds and places. Among them, there is a man who is unmarried and broke up with his ex-girlfriend. We find comfortable when talking and share many stories about culture and life. He told me he want to consider me as his younger sister and i agreed. We talk with each other quite often and i encourage him to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend again. I don't know much about their current relationship now but i always want good things for him and her. I cannot understand me anymore. I know that i don't want to have any affair with him (i also told him that and he agreed), just like a male friend to talk with and comfort me when i am mentally alone. But i cannot let my husband know this and also have a guilty feeling becaused i am an asian married one. We are from different countries, never meet and just talk about culture and normal life. Whenever he drops me a line then we start a conversation about a certain topic, but recently i rarely start conversation first. Sometimes i think if he stops writting to me, i would also feel fine and would not start first.Could somebody give me an advice? Should i stop chatting with him or we can continue talking as friends? Thanks a lot.


I would say no. Anything that you feel must be kept secret and would be ashamed to let anyone else know, such as your mom, your husband, etc., is a toxic secret. The others are correct, get a marriage counselor.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> But then again, you are not married to a blockhead who seems as if he doesn't give a tuppeny dam about his wife or her happiness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True 




zebra said:


> Thank you a lot for your advices. I want to follow and stop these things. But i have one more question: should i delete all those apps and disappear before him without a word? Or should i have a straight conversation with him i tell that i want to stop and pls understand for me. If i accepted to be his younger sister before, should i at least say something before stop talking with him?


This person is basically a stranger online, but if you want to you could message him and say that you've realised it's inappropriate for you two to be talking and will be deleting your accounts. Wish him well and then delete everything. No need to wait for his reply JUST DO IT NOW.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, assuming you are not a troll.

Any communication with person of the opposite sex that is has to in any way be kept a secret is a huge NO WAY.

Even if you claim the guy is a just a friend, if you even have to think that a any text or conversation has to be deleted, you're already cheating.

Imagine if you found your husband doing exactly what you're doing. 

What you are doing is shady as hell.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband spends all day on the computer and ignores you. You seek a connection so badly you spend your time communicating with a strange man online. Just another example of people living in the electronic virtual world instead of the real world.

Maybe you and your husband should communicate online, and I'm only half kidding.

You didn't get married to be lonely and ignored, I get that. But you also seem intelligent enough to realize what you are doing is wrong, you enjoy it while it's happening but then you feel guilty and dirty. 

My suggestion is you both shut off the electronics and spend time together. I don't think you need to confess to your husband what you have been up to, but somehow you need to get him to understand how desperate for attention you are, if your husband refuses to acknowledge your needs then you need to reconsider being married to him.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

frusdil said:


> True
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is the perfect way to respond. Don't wait for a response. Once you've sent the courtesy message, delete the accounts so he doesn't have a chance to talk you out of it.

Also you husband needs a 2x4 to wake him up that he was this freaking close to his wife going down a dark path. I recommend you get him the MMSL primer. It's a book that can get him to wake up so he can become the type of husband a wife wants F.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Let's cut out the crap. You asked a question so here is the answer.

MARRIED WOMEN DO NOT HAVE SECRET CHAT RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER MEN ONLINE OR IN PERSON IF THEY WANT TO STAY MARRIED.

You are already cheating and in an emotional affair. If you are having any discussions that you would not want your husband to see you are cheating.

And here is what will happen next. Your "harmless little pastime will eventually find you a man who is not in another country but geographically able to meet you in person, and of course you will justify that because you are "just friends".

You statement that you are not looking for an affair is not true. You already have one. And by the way, 99% of women who wind up in a physical affair did NOT intend on it happening and usually their first comment if they post on a forum is

"I can't believe I did this"

You might want to tell your husband what you are doing. I am guessing it should get his attention.


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## zebra (Dec 19, 2011)

Thank you all again for your advices. I told him that i should not continue chatting like this and he agreed. I finally deleted all those chatting apps. Though i always find lonely in this marriage but i realised that i have to find my own way to solve the problem. I will have to accept it or may break up one day. But at least, following your advices, i feel my mind is somehow relieved. Really appreciated your answers.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If you are the type that feels you need to stay married regardless of if you're happy or not at least look at other social outlets, maybe a hobby or volunteer at something. Heck get a dog, probably a better companion than your husband.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Yes I think it would be alright to send him a well worded message outlining you feel continuing contact is not appropriate so you will no longer be communicating with him. Then, as the others said, don't wait for a response before you delete the app. If you wait for a response he will most likely try to talk you out of it, he may even try to guilt you into staying in contact. A clean break is the best way.

You then need to communicate to your husband that you are lonely and he needs to start making a real effort to give you some attention. You could discuss setting aside an hour or two every evening to put the electronics down and talk, go for a walk, go out for ice cream, anything as long as you are together and not buried in a phone or lap top.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

Once you start feeling like you have to reach outside your marriage to get friendships and emotional needs met... Is when you need to stop and ask yourself why you are really doing that. Would you care if he did these things behind your back? 
Do the right thing. Chatting with outsiders due to being lonely in a marriage is a slippery slope. Now is a great time to stop it all and not go any further. 
And really consider getting out of your marriage to be single and do these things or see if your spouse will go to counseling and try to work on the marriage. 
Tell him- hey I'm lonely- give me the attention or I'm gonna have to leave you. 
Does he know how you feel?


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