# Seeking thoughts - decades long marriage



## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

I don't even know where to begin and desperate enough to ask for thoughts from people I don't even know . After 27 years and 50-something years old, I am about at the end of my rope and really struggling. Kids have all left home. Last 8-10 years husband continues to make poor health choices which compound and have left him with a series of problems that have snowballed. Gained over 100 pounds, pre-diabetic, high BP, high cholesterol, and significant orthopedic problems with hips, feet, and back, will only go to see doctor if prescriptions expire or major, major problem. No sexual interest, it is now about 3x a year. I feel unwanted and undesired, and have told him so. He is a good man with a good heart, but has no intention of changing anything.The lack of connection is leaving me so lonely. I tell him how worried I am about something happening to him, and about how lonely I am, and also for the sake of the family, to please do something. We all count on him. I offer support if he needs it, but it leads to a fight every time the topic comes up. I honestly don't know what it is like to have him initiate anything. I keep waiting to see how long it will be before he initiates something, and I'll give in usually after several months. He says anyone over the age of 50, it should be about so much more and this is not outside of the norm for that age group. I don't agree. And while I know the physical part of a relationship isn't the only part, it's an important part. I find myself more and more with unwanted feelings and wondering what is wrong with me. I am a nurse and take care of my own health, and also am in great shape as I enjoy being active, just have to do it with friends and at the gym. He used to be big into contact sports but had to stop doing that with injuries, which is when all of the problems started. He would never just go to a gym, it was always the biking, football, soccer, etc. that kept him in good shape and health. I offered to save to buy exercise equipment at home, but no interest there. If he developed some awful disease or condition that wasn't of his own doing, I wouldn't be having this conversation. The fact that I feel much of this is under his control is why it bothers me so much.


This also impacts other areas, not just the romantic part of our relationship. The last few family vacations, he will drop us off and go back to the room because it's miserable for him to be out and about. I've been to three counselors over the years and always come back with a list of things I am grateful for and wind up just settling for what he is able to give. He works in a customer service job so doesn't have to go into an office anymore. His wardrobe is 2 pair of track pants and 3 t-shirts. I can't get him to put on a collared shirt to go out, he would rather "be comfortable" at home, so extracurriculur activities are somewhat limited as well. He tells me that if I cannot accept things the way they are, I need to go and try to find something better (knowing that at age 55, prospects are not going to be good for either of us). If I press the issue, he gets angry and there is a huge blow up. I have kept myself in good shape and actually am pretty healthy for my age (knock on wood). Should I just accept this and ride out this next phase of my life grateful for what I do have? None of us are getting any younger. Economics of today are horrible and at this age, is a consideration. Any thoughts? I do love him. Am I the one that needs to adjust my thinking? Am I out of line?

I would really like to hear from someone. I can't go through another decade of this. Yet am terrified of making a change if that is what is needed at this age.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm 58 so you are a younger chick to me! LOL

I'm in kind of a similar but in some ways opposite situation. My wife's health and life-force is also declining due to her diet and lifestyle but rather than gaining weight, she is losing weight but not in a healthy or fitness oriented way. She has a laundry list of aches and pains and issues. She doesn't eat and when she does it's usually crap. She comes home with sugar cereals and literally Twinkies the other day 🤮. 

There isn't a day goes by that she doesn't have a migraine, or some other headache or a stomachache or nausea or diarhea or cramps in her legs etc. She is riddled with anxiety and looks like she could just explode or burst into flames at any moment. It's truly always something. She is filling the house with cats and is always asking to get another dog or a puppy and has even wanted to get a monkey. 

I know some of that is our oldest has recently moved away to school and our youngest is starting his senior year. 

She still showers and grooms and changes her clothes and is a very hard working successful professional so it's not like she isn't functional at all. But the happy, sexy, vibrant person I once knew is gone. 

And to fair, i am not the man I was 10 years ago either. And it's not like I am running marathons or doing crossfit or eating a strict vegan or paleo diet by any means. I am feeling the years too and sit in my comfy chair more than I should. 

But I am still alive and still feel fairly good and look better than a lot of guys my age. And in terms of sex, I would still be good for daily or at least several times a week. And while technically we do not have an offical sexless marriage (as defined by 10 or less times a year - YET) I know that she is just trying to appease me to keep me in the house for now. I'm sure she'd rather not which puts in a bit of a moral dilemma. One one hand, is it ethical to do something you know someone doesn't want to do. But if they are willing to do it to keep you around, is it ethical to leave if they are willing to do it even if they don't want to? 

Unfortunately I do not have any solutions or answers for you. but I do understand where you are coming from and understand some of the dilemmas and uncertainties you face.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I don’t have any good news or magic pills but if I were in your situation I would just drop the sledgehammer on him. Advise him you are finished due to him not working on his issues. Start preparing for your new life. Contact a lawyer. You can’t make people change and he is a slob. I’m sure you have more dating value than you believe. Don’t let fear and the inaction of your spouse ruin the remainder of your life. My kids are finally out the house and we are having more sex than when we were first married. Don’t believe his BS.

I know the above sounds heartless but unfortunately it’s just the way it is. People that don’t want to change are never going to.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ButterflyGirl said:


> Last 8-10 years husband continues to make poor health choices which compound and have left him with a series of problems that have snowballed.


Anything significant happen in his/your life around 10-12 years ago? Yes, I've gone a bit further back than you mentioned here as I wondered if there may have been something that perhaps started some kind of depression or alike that changed his habits to spiral to where he is now? I re-read that you mentioned sports injuries is where things started but I'm leaving this here.



ButterflyGirl said:


> Gained over 100 pounds, pre-diabetic, high BP, high cholesterol, and significant orthopedic problems with hips, feet, and back, will only go to see doctor if prescriptions expire or major, major problem. No sexual interest, it is now about 3x a year. I feel unwanted and undesired, and have told him so. He is a good man with a good heart, but has no intention of changing anything.The lack of connection is leaving me so lonely. I tell him how worried I am about something happening to him, and about how lonely I am, and also for the sake of the family, to please do something. We all count on him. I offer support if he needs it, but it leads to a fight every time the topic comes up.


However, despite what I asked above, there is still a point where he needs to take responsibility for himself and it sounds like you have clearly told him how this is impacting you - and hence - your marriage. What kind of fight occurs with the topic? And do you mean the topic of him not altering his habits to be healthier? It may take professional support at this stage, however, again that's really on him to step up and sort out.



ButterflyGirl said:


> He says anyone over the age of 50, it should be about so much more and this is not outside of the norm for that age group. I don't agree. And while I know the physical part of a relationship isn't the only part, it's an important part.


Nope, I don't agree either. Consider your feelings validated. Sure, deeper foundations are there however sensuality and sexuality are a part of _being_ (from my perspective), therefore sex and sexual intimacy and physical connection and chemistry and tension is also important to me. To add, I also have the view that in a monogamous relationship the spouse is the one whom sharing sexual expression is ultimately reserved for and with, therefore, it's not an insignificant part of the relationship.



ButterflyGirl said:


> I've been to three counselors over the years and always come back with a list of things I am grateful for and wind up just settling for what he is able to give.


What kind of counseling was this?



ButterflyGirl said:


> His wardrobe is 2 pair of track pants and 3 t-shirts. I can't get him to put on a collared shirt to go out, he would rather "be comfortable" at home, so extracurriculur activities are somewhat limited as well. He tells me that if I cannot accept things the way they are, I need to go and try to find something better (knowing that at age 55, prospects are not going to be good for either of us). If I press the issue, he gets angry and there is a huge blow up.


There's a difference between being 'comfortable' with one's spouse and not giving a crap anymore about how they perceive us or if they are attracted to us, and/or how we are within ourselves. Which makes me wonder about where he's at mentally. However, him telling you that if you cannot accept things the way they are and go and find something (meaning someone?) 'better' yet gets angry and which turns into a huge blow up between you are two things that are not aligned. In that, if he really felt like 'accept this or take a hike' and you indicated that you're not ready to accept this, then why is he angry? I'd hazard a guess because he's hurt... and further hazard that he's hurting himself... and further because he knows that he's not taking responsibility and that you could move on. He needs to deal with his sh*t or if he doesn't give a crap about the marriage anymore, then just call it (unless you do).

I personally value a sense of tension-challenge in my relationship. Meaning that it can be good to be challenged to step-up when needed. Something that I find attractive about my husband is about the man who he is within his own right; that is to say, who he is in this world and how he navigates things unto himself and what interests him and the responsibility and competence he demonstrates - all attractive qualities to me. Part of those aspects intertwine with how he takes care of his health too; yet I wanted to focus on the mental attraction here as there is a certain VITALITY in the way that he lives and tackles things that is attractive. Where he's at within himself also permeates our dynamic and vice verse. It seems that aside from your husband's weight and health issues, am I correct in inferring that his vitality towards life in general seems to be lacking?

You are not 'out of line' for how you are feeling. No doubt conversations that turned to arguments and likely some so-called nagging has occurred from you and nothing has spurred him into action. Hence, you cannot change him. If you want to live a different type of life and, I'd suggest to continue living your own life with VITALITY, then you need to work out what you want to do from here. I can tell you that if something was a deal-breaker to my husband (and vice verse) and it came down to a succinct conversation of expressing that - then we'd sit up and pay attention and figure out priorities quick-smart. I think you need to succinctly express where you're at and be willing to let the cards fall, so to speak, without expectations of him. Also, if you have one girlfriend that you can confide in, do so.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> I don’t have any good news or magic pills but if I were in your situation I would just drop the sledgehammer on him. Advise him you are finished due to him not working on his issues.


Basically, despite my long post, it likely comes down to this ^


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ButterflyGirl said:


> (knowing that at age 55, prospects are not going to be good for either of us)


I don't have direct experience with dating as an adult, however, you will find many good folks here that will dispute your thought here in that they entered compatible relationships post-divorce - alongside those who also have remained single by choice and content within their own company. To add that no doubt being alone does not necessarily equate to being lonely. Just throwing it out there.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I know a guy from school who list 175 pounds at 54. He looks amazing. So it can be done. He did it in a year. I’d give him an option and then live out your choice. My dad gained 100 pounds in his 60s and is now miserable.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ButterflyGirl said:


> He tells me that if I cannot accept things the way they are, I need to go and try to find something better


I'm all for trying to understand at times, yet I can also be impatiently sparked at times. I was still thinking about your post and this really had me thinking of how patient or perhaps fearful you are; as I think my impatience and indignation would likely spark upon hearing this and I'd be packed and exiting stage left.

He is telling you straight that he's not going to change so like it or lump it. That is not the words or actions of a loving spouse that is willing to step up and be solid in various aspects of your life together - including physically, intimately, and sexually. So yeah, maybe take his suggestion.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> Basically, despite my long post, it likely comes down to this ^


Yes but you sound eloquent and I sound like the butcher.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I'm 58 so you are a younger chick to me! LOL
> 
> I'm in kind of a similar but in some ways opposite situation. My wife's health and life-force is also declining due to her diet and lifestyle but rather than gaining weight, she is losing weight but not in a healthy or fitness oriented way. She has a laundry list of aches and pains and issues. She doesn't eat and when she does it's usually crap. She comes home with sugar cereals and literally Twinkies the other day 🤮.
> 
> ...


Wow, there are some similarities here even within a somewhat opposite situation. That's really sad, Oldshirt. As a healthcare worker, I think it hits me harder than most with my h's situation and with people who describe things like your experience with your W. I am the same as you - alive and feel good for my age and look decent, too, though I also am 10 years older and probably have had my own "declines" but not because of lack of effort. What you describe with appeasement is what it is here when it comes to anything physical. I feel like we are good pals that have known each other a really long time. 

Are you committed to staying? It sounds like you are. Did you ever seriously entertain leaving?

I need to learn the "quotes" feature for my next post!


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I don’t have any good news or magic pills but if I were in your situation I would just drop the sledgehammer on him. Advise him you are finished due to him not working on his issues. Start preparing for your new life. Contact a lawyer. You can’t make people change and he is a slob. I’m sure you have more dating value than you believe. Don’t let fear and the inaction of your spouse ruin the remainder of your life. My kids are finally out the house and we are having more sex than when we were first married. Don’t believe his BS.
> 
> I know the above sounds heartless but unfortunately it’s just the way it is. People that don’t want to change are never going to.


Darn! I really needed the magic pills!  But I know there aren't any. I think my fears are my biggest problem right now. I see that things aren't changing. And won't if they haven't by now. But the fear - financial and just starting over at this age. It's overwhelming.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> Anything significant happen in his/your life around 10-12 years ago? Yes, I've gone a bit further back than you mentioned here as I wondered if there may have been something that perhaps started some kind of depression or alike that changed his habits to spiral to where he is now? I re-read that you mentioned sports injuries is where things started but I'm leaving this here.
> 
> 
> However, despite what I asked above, there is still a point where he needs to take responsibility for himself and it sounds like you have clearly told him how this is impacting you - and hence - your marriage. What kind of fight occurs with the topic? And do you mean the topic of him not altering his habits to be healthier? It may take professional support at this stage, however, again that's really on him to step up and sort out.
> ...


Hmmmm - I am trying to think back to that timeline and I really don't know of anything significant. I am going to really think that through. You make a good point. 

As to the fights, yes it is about the unhealthy habits and the lack of physical relationship. He says this is him. And I can accept it or find a magic person who is going to be just what I want. I don't expect perfection. But I do want a partner who wants a physical relationship and who at least tries to maintain himself where he can go and do things with his wife and family. I get it if he were to get some devastating disease or into an accident through no fault of his own. This would not even be the same conversation. But when it is somewhat self-inflicted, I really struggle with that. I also agree that there is a difference in not caring anymore vs. just being comfortable. BIG difference. He is angry because he knows that even if I stay and say I will find a way to just accept it, that I usually do accept it for a while until at some point I am triggered by something that reminds me of my situation (i.e., couples out together doing something he can't or won't do) and I go back to him again and ask him to please work on it (the nagging - yes, it has been that at times. I am at the end of my rope. I am not proud to say that I have brought it up repeatedly. In addition to wanting all of those things, I also don't want him to keel over and die either - that really is at the top of the list, honestly). 

I love what you said about the tension-challenge. I have not thought of that, but I get what you are saying. That, too is something I would find attractive. Totally get that!

Yes, I need to find one IRL girlfriend to talk with. I do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ButterflyGirl said:


> Darn! I really needed the magic pills!  But I know there aren't any. I think my fears are my biggest problem right now. I see that things aren't changing. And won't if they haven't by now. But the fear - financial and just starting over at this age. It's overwhelming.


It indeed is fear that keeps most people in misery. I actually have a term for it. It’s called: Convenient Misery. It is more convenient to stay miserable in the status quo than to face one’s fears and make a change. Only you can decide how much misery you can swallow. We can’t figure that out for you.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I know a guy from school who list 175 pounds at 54. He looks amazing. So it can be done. He did it in a year. I’d give him an option and then live out your choice. My dad gained 100 pounds in his 60s and is now miserable.


Wow. That's incredible. I bet he is much healthier. It's scary to think what might happen when people continue to take chances with their health. Or at least it is to me. Is your dad married? How does that impact his relationship?


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> It indeed is fear that keeps most people in misery. I actually have a term for it. It’s called: Convenient Misery. It is more convenient to stay miserable in the status quo than to face one’s fears and make a change. Only you can decide how much misery you can swallow. We can’t figure that out for you.


YES. You have called it. One start I thought of might be writing down each fear, line by line. And then what the likely outcome would be vs. "worst case" - I remember this from a long time ago with something else I was reading. I don't know how to face these fears. And it is fear that is holding me back.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm all for trying to understand at times, yet I can also be impatiently sparked at times. I was still thinking about your post and this really had me thinking of how patient or perhaps fearful you are; as I think my impatience and indignation would likely spark upon hearing this and I'd be packed and exiting stage left.
> 
> He is telling you straight that he's not going to change so like it or lump it. That is not the words or actions of a loving spouse that is willing to step up and be solid in various aspects of your life together - including physically, intimately, and sexually. So yeah, maybe take his suggestion.


I have also thought about that. If the tables were turned, if I knew there was something that really bothered him, it would be an immediate action item for me to see what I could do about it. I think he just doesn't want to be told what to do or asked to change anything. I need to remember this - are those the words and actions of a loving spouse?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ButterflyGirl said:


> YES. You have called it. One start I thought of might be writing down each fear, line by line. And then what the likely outcome would be vs. "worst case" - I remember this from a long time ago with something else I was reading. I don't know how to face these fears. And it is fear that is holding me back.


Keep in mind that when people examine their fears they tend to run off to worst case scenario instead of how it really plays out in the real world.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Yes but you sound eloquent and I sound like the butcher.


You sound efficient and I sound …eloquent (thank you).


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your situation sounds much like the marriage I left. My ex was military, strong and fit but once he retired he stopped watching his diet and exercise did not seem as important anymore. He gained 50 lbs very quickly, alot of drinking involved. he was miserable and admitted. Was on all kinds of meds but he wanted to do nothing. he initiated nothing just like your husband. it seemed to me he wanted to be left alone and if I said anything it seemed to me that he was resentful. We had other issues but I realized he had to be the one to find himself, I could not help him. The marriage was not strong enough for me to stay. 

Don't make your husband's issues your own, do not become his mother. If you choose to stay you have to find a way to enjoy your life with your lady friends as he does not sound like he wants to be an active part of the relationship. If you choose to leave I can say that there are plenty of fit men out there.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ButterflyGirl said:


> But the fear


some times it comes down to which is the most the fear of what if I stay V what if I go


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> Don't make your husband's issues your own, do not become his mother. If you choose to stay you have to find a way to enjoy your life with your lady friends as he does not sound like he wants to be an active part of the relationship. If you choose to leave I can say that there are plenty of fit men out there.


nut shell summed it up and good advice , 

It SEEMS LIKE the husband has dropped all reason for living and is just waiting to exit life , 
now it is hard to tell if he got the pains first or as a result of bad life choose , 

it is not a easy one as this husbands abuse is to himself but as was said he might profit from the sledgehammer


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> some times it comes down to which is the most the fear of what if I stay V what if I go


This is what I am battling. The fear. What it's worse if I leave? So many things could be worse. Honestly after this long of staying, I don't see it improving, but everything is basically what I see is what I get.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Keep in mind that when people examine their fears they tend to run off to worst case scenario instead of how it really plays out in the real world.


 Yes, I am sure that is what I am doing. I think part of it is that I am over 50. Not like I am 30 and have all the time in the world to rebuild, none of the worries about aging and health, retirement, etc. But yes, it is the fears and probably the worse case scenarios running through my mind. How in the world does one NOT do that? If I can figure that out and actually look at this objectively, I just might can make some headway.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> nut shell summed it up and good advice ,
> 
> It SEEMS LIKE the husband has dropped all reason for living and is just waiting to exit life ,
> now it is hard to tell if he got the pains first or as a result of bad life choose ,
> ...


He does seem to have just given up. It's really sad and I don't understand. I wish so much I could just get him to see what I see. And it isn't easy. If he's already down on himself, definitely no sledgehammer. He's a good man underneath it all.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ButterflyGirl said:


> Yes, I am sure that is what I am doing. I think part of it is that I am over 50. Not like I am 30 and have all the time in the world to rebuild, none of the worries about aging and health, retirement, etc. But yes, it is the fears and probably the worse case scenarios running through my mind. How in the world does one NOT do that? If I can figure that out and actually look at this objectively, I just might can make some headway.


I too am over 50 going on 60 the way I look on things is better to be relaxed with less that to be living in comfort but not able to enjoy it , if you can live and have found peace, you can live happy in this , but if every time you see the door opening you think not again


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sometimes you have to take that leap of faith that it will all work out. Sometimes it doesn’t. Leaving obviously can be very difficult. I stayed for decades in a dysfunctional marriage before I finally let it go. My only regret? Not doing that sooner.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

ButterflyGirl said:


> Yes, I am sure that is what I am doing. I think part of it is that I am over 50. Not like I am 30 and have all the time in the world to rebuild, none of the worries about aging and health, retirement, etc. But yes, it is the fears and probably the worse case scenarios running through my mind. How in the world does one NOT do that? If I can figure that out and actually look at this objectively, I just might can make some headway.


I turn 60 in just a few months, divorced my husband 6 years ago. Life after divorce is possible at our age.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> I turn 60 in just a few months, divorced my husband 6 years ago. Life after divorce is possible at our age.


You are an inspiration! I appreciate hearing from someone 50+. I NEVER thought I would be at this cross-roads. It is agonizing.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Sometimes you have to take that leap of faith that it will all work out. Sometimes it doesn’t. Leaving obviously can be very difficult. I stayed for decades in a dysfunctional marriage before I finally let it go. My only regret? Not doing that sooner.


How old were you when you finally left? And what was the final tipping point? It sounds like it did work out for you. I think if I could figure out all of the things that "might" not work out, I will at least feel like I have thought through worse case scenarios.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ButterflyGirl said:


> How old were you when you finally left? And what was the final tipping point? It sounds like it did work out for you. I think if I could figure out all of the things that "might" not work out, I will at least feel like I have thought through worse case scenarios.


Mid-60’s. He was having an emotional affair (maybe a physical affair) with an “old friend”. But cheating was just the tip of the iceberg. There are many things I will never know for certain about my dysfunctional marriage but the smartest thing I ever did was finally end it although that wasn’t what I wanted. Unfortunately it was never going to be better regardless of the time and energy and work and attention I put into it. Sometimes — despite all you do — it just doesn’t make a difference. I wish I had figured that out sooner than I did.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Mid-60’s. He was having an emotional affair (maybe a physical affair) with an “old friend”. But cheating was just the tip of the iceberg. There are many things I will never know for certain about my dysfunctional marriage but the smartest thing I ever did was finally end it although that wasn’t what I wanted. Unfortunately it was never going to be better regardless of the time and energy and work and attention I put into it. Sometimes — despite all you do — it just doesn’t make a difference. I wish I had figured that out sooner than I did.


I am glad that you feel like it was a good decision. It sounds like you gave it your all which at the end of the day, is how I want to feel. I hope you are not only doing well, but thriving!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ButterflyGirl said:


> I am glad that you feel like it was a good decision. It sounds like you gave it your all which at the end of the day, is how I want to feel. I hope you are not only doing well, but thriving!


Thanks — I definitely wish the same happiness for you. It sometimes takes awhile to get there but, with some effort, eventually you can.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

ButterflyGirl said:


> You are an inspiration! I appreciate hearing from someone 50+. I NEVER thought I would be at this cross-roads. It is agonizing.


I never thought I would be either. I thought my marriage was for life. My husband (ex) and I used to jog together, we both lifted weights and he had won a heavy weight lifting competition at one point. He had know many men to retire from the military and gain weight and before he retired he told me to not let this happen to him. With time though there became so many issues between us. Our relationship was one more like a mother and child. I lost all respect for him and he seemed resentful and angry at me. He wanted to live his life without restrictions as a married man. Trust was gone and I no longer wanted him to touch me.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> I never thought I would be either. I thought my marriage was for life. My husband (ex) and I used to jog together, we both lifted weights and he had won a heavy weight lifting competition at one point. He had know many men to retire from the military and gain weight and before he retired he told me to not let this happen to him. With time though there became so many issues between us. Our relationship was one more like a mother and child. I lost all respect for him and he seemed resentful and angry at me. He wanted to live his life without restrictions as a married man. Trust was gone and I no longer wanted him to touch me.


That sounds SO hard. I feel the same, marriage is for life. I totally get things happening to people beyond their control and I would never leave someone in that situation. But what happens when it is mostly self-imposed? Can you explain more about how it was mother/child? I am wondering if it is the same thing here. Do you mean in a sense that you handled all of the household logistics or other things? This is something that might be relevant here that I have been struggling to put into words. Was he resentful if you brought up anything? What was it like when you didn't say anything? Sorry for all of the questions. Believe it or not, it is really giving me a lot to think about and it really is good for me to do this reflection. Last question, was it a painful and agonizing decision or did you just do it without much difficulty?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

ButterflyGirl said:


> That sounds SO hard. I feel the same, marriage is for life. I totally get things happening to people beyond their control and I would never leave someone in that situation. But what happens when it is mostly self-imposed? Can you explain more about how it was mother/child? I am wondering if it is the same thing here. Do you mean in a sense that you handled all of the household logistics or other things? This is something that might be relevant here that I have been struggling to put into words. Was he resentful if you brought up anything? What was it like when you didn't say anything? Sorry for all of the questions. Believe it or not, it is really giving me a lot to think about and it really is good for me to do this reflection. Last question, was it a painful and agonizing decision or did you just do it without much difficulty?


Mother child relationship where I was the care giver of his needs, much like you would be if he was your child. He would just go do whatever he wanted with no regard for me or the marriage and then I was the one addressing all the issues while he would fall silent much like a child. He would be sullen and sulky but would not communicate proper. If he promised anything it was just to get out of the conversation and nothing was honored. Counselors told me I was the strong person in the marriage but I was the strong one, in my opinion, because I was the one who was willing to be honest, I had integrity, I was committed and faithful, I worked to better the marriage not take from it. 

My ex was resentful of everything and harbored lots of hard feelings that he did not express. When we would talk I saw it in his eyes. His actions were to get even if you hurt him, and not just with me. He did this with our children too. One time our youngest who as a tenager yelled at her dad for something and it upset him but rather than address it he cancelled a subscription he had been paying for her, did not tell her. He never explained to her why he did what he did and that was how he was, we had to guess why he was upset just like a pouty child. He did not like his mom, got angry at hi dad for making a comment about his underwear, extremely sensitive and internalize everything. one of his best friends told me way early on that he was concerned that my ex would go postal.

The divorce was a very painful decision, it was far from automatic. I believe two people should be able to address issues in a marriage and that no relationship is perfect. We have misunderstandings, hurts from things that perhaps the other person might understand where the hurt stemmed from unless we talk. People have temptations, go through down times, even addition issues. I actually think there is more addiction issues that do not get addressed and resolved properly in a marriage than many realize or admit. However, it take two people working at any relationship to make it would and proper resolve any issues. In my situation he just was not truthful about alot which lead to mistrust. He told me many times I needed to accept him the way he was but that meant accepting he had an issue with porn to the extent that it interfered with our relationship and accepting that he was going to chance other women for attention, also accepting that he had quite a drinking problem that he had no desire to work on, and that he was going to treat me like a no-existent part of his life. I did not want to tear up my family but I had no support from this man, we were living as roommates and we were not happy with each other. We did go to marriage counseling but even in counseling he lied. 

There were a few last straws before I filed for divorce but finally the straw broke and when it did I contacted an attorney and sought counseling for myself.


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## ButterflyGirl (4 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Mother child relationship where I was the care giver of his needs, much like you would be if he was your child. He would just go do whatever he wanted with no regard for me or the marriage and then I was the one addressing all the issues while he would fall silent much like a child. He would be sullen and sulky but would not communicate proper. If he promised anything it was just to get out of the conversation and nothing was honored. Counselors told me I was the strong person in the marriage but I was the strong one, in my opinion, because I was the one who was willing to be honest, I had integrity, I was committed and faithful, I worked to better the marriage not take from it.
> 
> My ex was resentful of everything and harbored lots of hard feelings that he did not express. When we would talk I saw it in his eyes. His actions were to get even if you hurt him, and not just with me. He did this with our children too. One time our youngest who as a tenager yelled at her dad for something and it upset him but rather than address it he cancelled a subscription he had been paying for her, did not tell her. He never explained to her why he did what he did and that was how he was, we had to guess why he was upset just like a pouty child. He did not like his mom, got angry at hi dad for making a comment about his underwear, extremely sensitive and internalize everything. one of his best friends told me way early on that he was concerned that my ex would go postal.
> 
> ...


Wow, AVR. That sounds like a terrible situation. And very much like a "mother/child". Wow. So when you say the decision was far from automatic, can you share more what you mean? As in, it took you a long time to reach that conclusion or did you mean something else? And painful, in that you didn't want it, but you did (if that makes sense)? I always thought the only reason people left others short of abuse or alcohol/drug problems, is that they just didn't love the other person anymore. It's agonizing when you do love the other person. Or at least I feel that way.


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## PhilWynn (8 mo ago)

I'm very sorry for you. It's not easy to revive old feelings. Try to do something together, find some hobby, you wrote about bicycles, my wife and I ride bicycles every weekend. It is not necessary to bother too much and look for a long time, buy something for beginners 8 Best Beginner Road Bikes Reviewed (Fall 2022). My wife and I also went to clay modeling courses, we now have a lot of plates of our production at home


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