# Is Unique too much to ask?



## smile4me (Sep 20, 2012)

This is my first post, so bear with me, please. 
I have been diagnosed with Depression since my youth and have always had pretty constant feelings of inadequacy. To give a breif "about me" I'm in my early 30's, accomplished in my career, dedicated mother of three, I'm not one of the depressed people that wont get out of bed, quite the opposite, I over compensate for my feelings of inadequacy taking on responsibility for EVERYTHING kids, house, finances, exceling at my work, etc. I am confident in myself with every aspect of my life EXCEPT romantic relationships. I dont know why, and I hate it! :-(
My husband and I separated around Jan 2012, he filed for divorce behind my back in May 2012, we are in the process of reconciliation and he has been living in my home again for about 2 months. During the approx. 6 month separation we both dated people, me very casually because I don't trust people not to hurt me - he was more involved, having a sexual relationship with at least one other woman. 
Here's my deal... I want to be special, unique, the most fill-in-the-blank on earth (to him). He has always played wtih my feet at night during our relax time, just a small gesture that has always been special to me - I thought unique to me - and then I come to discover that no, he does this to every girl he's romantic with... nothing special at all... This really hurts my feelings! He made some comment to a girl he had dated to some degree while we were sepatated about how she just wanted him to play with her feet again... the girl he was intimately with wouldnt let him play with her feet (although he tried)... WTF? Why is unique too much to ask? 

**May I also state that this is NOT a sexual thing at all... it's just a small thing that USED to mean a lot to me because it was unique on my end... 

So... how do others feel about this? Obviously we all have held hands or kissed or even have had sex in past relationships, but aren't there things that you do for your partner that are exclusive to them??


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Could you maybe come up with something else of your very own that he can do that is unique that he hasn't done with others? Maybe you both could talk about it, ask him what he likes that you could do, that you have never done to another person. And he can ask you what you like that he has never done with another person.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

smile4me said:


> I want to be special, unique, the most fill-in-the-blank on earth (to him).


First things first. You have to be "unique, the most fill-in-the-blank on earth (to YOU)". Similar to another saying I believe to be true. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

Self confidence and feeling like you deserve to be treated good is attractive, admirable, and respectable. Well unless you take and don't give back.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Just wondering but how are things with your husband outside of the bedroom now that you all are back together? 

You gotta believe you are unique first of all. Also, I get what you're saying, so I think if things are going good with you and your husband then maybe you all can come up with something you both can do to make you both feel unique in each others eyes.


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## smile4me (Sep 20, 2012)

Things "in the bedroom" are very healthy, usually things outside of the bedroom are as well. We are both trying hard to reconcile and keep our family together. But we both get hung up on things that happened while we were separated, neither of us EVER thinking we would get back together. It's like retroactive hurt... hard to explain... 
I do love him very much and I get that my area of depression sometimes makes receiving love difficult, as far as trusting it to be genuine and that I deserve it. That's how my depression affects me the most - I feel unloveable/hard to love/not worth the effort... 
I am also affraid he is going to leave again - he swears he won't but it's hard to trust... being left alone to raise 3 kids (one of which is severely disabled), manage a home, pets, job... it was difficult to say the least. 
I don't know how to feel special - like that part of me is broken
All I can think of is how this tiny little gesture that was so very dear to me is dead... He thinls thats "f---ed up" and that I sabotage things. It's not my intent. I really do love him so much that I want to be the best thing he has ever had cuz I think that's what he deserves. I just feel like everything is spinning around me and I can't see straight.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Are you in therapy? If not, you might want to look into it and your husband could benefit from it as well. Sounds like he needs to learn and understand more about depression, how you're feeling and things he can do to help. No, I'm not saying he can cure you or make you 100% happy, but having the love, understanding and support of another person can make things at least a little easier to deal with and speaks volumes. You will need to learn how to cope in life and new ways to handle thingfs when you start to feel down. He needs to learn how to be there for you. If he made the comment or even thinks how you feel is f***ed up, then he has no understanding of your feelings.


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## smile4me (Sep 20, 2012)

I am in counseling... I do take celxa... we go to a marriage restoration class every week and are starting couple counseling... We're really trying to go about things the right way to be successful... I have a hard time figuring out what is rational and normal and what is warpped in my mind. He thinks the way I think is "not normal" and it sucks that I know he's right... He tries to be understanding but gets frustrated with me and things spiral out of control... He thinks "this whole foot thing is stupid" and "do you want me to lie to you so you feel special" Well, no... I actually want to be genuinely special without you having to lie about it... I think I am too difficult and clearly he thinks I have unreasonable expectations. But why is being his super awesome special someone an unreasonable expectation???


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

What mg are you on for Celexa? Do you think your depression could be something else as well?


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## smile4me (Sep 20, 2012)

20mg? I think thats what it is... what do you mean it might be something else?? Ive been diagnosed with depression and mild PTSD


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

smile4me said:


> 20mg? I think thats what it is... what do you mean it might be something else?? Ive been diagnosed with depression and mild PTSD


You answered it..I was wondering if you had something other than depression..some of the things you described made me think you had something other that just depression alone. Which BTW is not uncommon. I just didn't see in your OP if you had anything other than depression.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Well, no... I actually want to be genuinely special without you having to lie about it... I think I am too difficult and clearly he thinks I have unreasonable expectations. But why is being his super awesome special someone an unreasonable expectation???


You are his wife, and are the mother of his 3 children. Isn't that special and unique? No one else is either of those things.

Or do you need him to do something specific that he only does with you in order to feel special and unique to him? Maybe you can find something else that he can do that is special to you that makes you feels special - can you think of anything?

My guy once gave me a card that said "thinking of you" on the front, and said "naked" on the inside when you open it. Ever since then, for whatever occasion, we've given each other "thinking of you" cards and have written "naked" on the inside. "Thinking of you" has also become one way we initiate sex..."I was thinking of you today..." 

If the foot thing is no longer a thing for you, maybe you can develop something else that is meaningful to both of you. It will probably happen naturally as you continue to reconnect.

Good luck!


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## smile4me (Sep 20, 2012)

First of all I would like to thank everyone for their feedback, especially with this being my first post, I wasnt really sure what to expect. 
I talked with my husband (in a productive way) yesterday and also had my weekly counseling appt this morning. He said that I wasn't allowed to take away something that he felt was special, that this was one of his little affectionate things and that he loved it, that it hurt him that I was discounting it and making it not special. I think he is right. I also think that I am not completely "wrong" but that my feelings of surprise and hurt are also valid. I know when I get into a "dark place" it is very hard for me to get out of it. I was encouraged by my awesome (love her!) counseor to "stop looking for evidence that youre not special" It's so true! I do that without thinking about it and it gets me into the dark place and when I am in the dark place all the bad gets blown up and all the good gets minimized. She gave me some exercises to go over with my husband. I texted him this morning and told him I missed his hugs. That's hard for me, I get so clammed up that I cant acknowledge that I love him because I am afraid I'm not loveable... I wish I could tell myself all this when I am in the dark place. I also want to talk to him about his reactions to my emotions and not saying the things he says about my brain "not being normal" or my thoughts being "f---ed up" I know they are, but talking to me like that only makes me feel more isolated. 
I'm feeling much more positive today and am able to feel more balanced. Again, thank you all so much, it was nice to feel both supported and assisted!


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