# Any successful reconcilations after discovery of PA?



## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

So it has been a very long time since I have posted and/or even read much on here. But here lately, 14 months after discovery of WH having a PA I am still struggling on whether or not this is going to work.

Anyone out there in a successful reconcilation and if yes, how did you do it??:scratchhead:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

the_guy's WW had 20 ONS over 13 years and RWD's WW had 3 affairs in a 6 year period. These two men were able to successfully reconcile with their wives. You might want to PM them.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

thank you... will do!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

We did. My H cheated (PA/EA), lied about it for about 18 months until the OW's husband told me. We are recovering, 2 years after Dday. Well two years and some change. 

How? I had to forgive him for the person he was and decide if I could love him for the person he now is. Once that hurdle was crossed, it was just up to the two of us. He has done everything and anything I have asked of him ( most of which was told to me by members on this board) and gone above and beyond to prove to me that this is where he wants to be. He sought counseling for his PTSD as well as got help for his issues of thinking I would have a revenge affair. He is now currently on a deployment, and we are halfway through it. We are doing well! It isn't really gone from our lives, but we are recovering!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

We did.
Story in my sig...


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

DawnD,

I guess maybe that is why I am still struggling. We will do really well for an extended amount of time, but then out of the blue he gets real moody and agressive, out of character for him which was his behavior before I found out about his PA.

I feel pretty comfortable that he is not having another PA as I don't know when he could. We ride to and from work together daily. We spend most of our time together on the weekends so I guess if he is meeting someone it would have to be during his lunch break...

But my mind automatically goes to is he? Does that make sense.

I mean for the most I have forgiven him. When we argue over normal married life/children things, I never bring up anything from the past as I believe I had to let that go to be able to live with him.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

DanF,

I have read your post and am wondering how things are now? How did you get rid of the thoughts and going back (in your mind) over the situation and hurt?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hurting -- I can completely understand your thought process. My H will get a little distant every now and again and it can be a trigger for me. I am being disgustingly honest when I tell you, that I had to let it go. He gets this way when he has a hard day at work. He knows my boundaries, he gets this one chance. Outside of that, if he does it again I am gone. the real struggle was making peace with the fact that we may not be married until death do us part. And I might have to be okay with that. Before, it was more of a "we HAVE to be together" . Now, I want us to be together, but if he happens to cheat again, then I know that I will not be able to stay in the relationship. And I am okay with it. I am taking classes to get my degree, I go to the gym, and I do a lot for ME. I still do plenty for us and our family. but I need the reassurance of knowing I can stand on my own two feet if I need to. And I have to tell you, there is nothing more sobering than your spouse telling you " I want you but I don't need you. And if you cheat again, I won't even want you". That one seem to hit home with him really quick.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

I guess I there are still a lot of triggers and I am really tired at times of fighting the fight. 

Recently it hit me hard that I have to accept the fact that apparently I am not the love of his life even though for years he said I was, bc of PA I have to now believe I wasn't.

I also am starting to feel that I have to do everything a certain way so as to keep him here but it doesn't feel as though he feels he has to do anything for me to want to stay? Does that make sense?

For most part, everything is good on the good days but here of late when they are bad they are really bad. He has been on antidepression meds for a while and has recently changed from one to another and he seems to be more on edge since the change. But I am not going to dit back and be attacked bc he is having his issues with no regard for my situation in all of this.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Can you simply tell him " I am having a rough day, I need you to......fill in the blank....... please". I would use that with my hubby. I am having a sh** day, I need you to be more attentive today. etc, etc. worked pretty good for whatever the current trigger was.

I admittedly don't know your backstory,but I have been viewing my H's affair as a huge huge mistake. It wasn't that he didn't love me, its that he was so wrapped up in himself that he didn't think about the fact what he was doing would hurt me. Same with his PTSD, he wasn't paying enough attention to know he was ripping us apart. I am still the love of his life, and he is even luckier that I have stayed to continue being that.

I can relate to your thought that you are working and he isn't. I felt that way too. So I brought it up in casual conversation. It wasn't casual for long though LOL. I told my H about two weeks after Dday, I see myself doing all this work on myself, and you just sitting there waiting, so it looks like you don't want to be here. He explained himself ( which I assume may be a little different for each person) and when I told him I was considering that as a reason not to stay, he changed his tune. Sure, we can all use work, but I am under the impression the cheater needs to bear most of the weight in the beginning. Did he do much right after Dday or no? I know my H was having some huge self esteem problems resulting from him having to realize that he was in fact a lieing cheater to me.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Right now, with the way things are going, if I tell him anything about what I need, he goes directly into a defensive mode. Any conversation that gets directed toward what has happened always turns in to a big argument.

He does not want to talk about it any more. He feels that he has put it in the past and only wants to talk about the present and future. However, he always goes back to some really hurtful and hard times from the past.

He definitely has selective forgetfulness when it comes to what he has done in the past but not me. This kind of behavior was what orginially led us to grow apart.

I am just so confused that I don't really know what to do. I am not ready to leave the marriage but I know I can't keep doing this over and over again. It is not healthy for me!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what you describe is rug sweeping and not true remorse

he either needs to climb on board or let him go


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HurtingInNC said:


> Right now, with the way things are going, if I tell him anything about what I need, he goes directly into a defensive mode. Any conversation that gets directed toward what has happened always turns in to a big argument.
> 
> He does not want to talk about it any more. He feels that he has put it in the past and only wants to talk about the present and future. However, he always goes back to some really hurtful and hard times from the past.
> 
> ...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

HurtingInNC said:


> DanF,
> 
> I have read your post and am wondering how things are now? How did you get rid of the thoughts and going back (in your mind) over the situation and hurt?


Things are wonderful between the wife and I.
Over time, the thoughts, triggers and anger subside. I still think of how crappy the whole situation was once in a while and it strengthens my resolve to never let us get back in that situation again.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I think there is an entire sub forum here at TAM which has posts relating to successful R's...

Reconciliation Stories


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

We are together a year after my discovery of my wife's EA/PA.

It has definitely been a rollercoaster of emotions from time to time. Even now, hardly a day goes by without me thinking about it.

For me, it came down to starting over and learning someone new's sh!t vs. hanging on and trying to deal with the sh!t I already know about my wife. Oh, and we have a 2 year old that weighed heavily in my choice to reconcile.

Hopefully, we have both learned and grew from this so that it won't happen again. She knows I'm gone if it ever does. 

A new partner might expect one free pass again, lol.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

I guess for me, on the one hand there are days where it seems like he is making an effort but on others, and lately there seem to be more of these, that he is ok with where things are and that he doesn't need to make any additional efforts.

His FB account is still pw protected and he hasn't really refused to give me the pw but he won't. He does not use the family computer to access FB any longer just his phone or while at work. At one point he had his friends list hidden however, after I made a comment about it, he now has it showing. (of course, he can always select those he wants viewable).

I don't have access to pw on his phone. We separated our phone bills years ago due to one needing to available at all times for work and he needed to be able to use that line as a tax write off.

A couple of months ago, I found out he was texting an old high mutual friend. Their texts seemed a little flirty and I made a comment. He was very angry that I even looked through his texts. But I did explain to him that in our current situation he should be doing everything he can possibly can to avoid even the appearance of being involved with someone. He did tell me he would cut off all contact with her but I don't know if he has.

The friend lives several states away and they NEVER see each other, but an EA right now for me would be equally as harmful as a PA.

I have thought about sending her a message letting her know I know about the texts and then giving her the ugly details of his previous PA so she could be made aware that their contact with each other could very easily be what would be the cause of the end of our marriage, however, I hesitate bc I don't want to be overly emotional.

I am just so confused, I don't really know how far to push things right now bc there are so many things he is doing to show me he wouldn't go there again.

He had told me on a regular basis over the last few months that he sees us having a future together and the plans we are making are for the two us (almost empty nesters). I just know anymore.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HurtingInNC said:


> *His FB account is still pw protected *and he hasn't really refused to give me the pw but he won't. *He does not use the family computer to access FB any longer just his phone or while at work.* At one point he had his friends list hidden however, after I made a comment about it, he now has it showing. (of course, he can always select those he wants viewable).
> 
> *I don't have access to pw on his phone.* We separated our phone bills years ago due to one needing to available at all times for work and he needed to be able to use that line as a tax write off.
> 
> *A couple of months ago, I found out he was texting an old high mutual friend.* Their texts seemed a little flirty and I made a comment. He was very angry that I even looked through his texts. But I did explain to him that in our current situation he should be doing everything he can possibly can to avoid even the appearance of being involved with someone. He did tell me he would cut off all contact with her but I don't know if he has.


uh oh


sorry to say, but this has all the makings of a false R


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Unfortunately, that is where my head has been and here of late I guess my heart too!

Not sure I can handle this a second time. :-/


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tell us of how you reconciled after dday

did you you demand transparency, get NC and did he show true remorse back then? Have you spied at all since then or doyou feel guilty doing it and avoid it as a result?


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

After Dday for the about a month and half I was ready to leave. I didn't think I could bear the thought of being with him again. Throughout our entire relationship I had said that I could probably handle anything and would not even consider divorce outside of two things.

1.) Abuse (emotional, physical etc.) and 
2.) INFIDELITY... my brain could not phathom ever being able to trust again.

I was very vocal about this for the past 2 1/2 decades...

We actually had a major break down and we both had gotten to the point where he felt very bad and remorseful and stated he didn't think he could forgive himself for what he had done and he definitely didn't see where I would be able to.

We sat down one day and he basically said he was leaving he just asked that I give him time to get his affairs in order (place to live, money, splitting of responsibilities as we still had a daughter at home about to graduate HS).

I said ok, he slept in a different room each night during this time. We basically co-habitated but nothing more. Didn't speak

The PA had already ended at least 9 months before I had ever knew it had happened. They no longer had contact by his choice as he stated he realized that he no longer wanted to live two lives. (Although during this time, he also stated he didn't see us making it for more than 5 years with the way things were going.)

He tried very hard in the beginning of R to show me he was trying. We both reviewed the His Needs/Her Needs questionaire trying to figure out if we even wanted to or could move forward.

During this time, his father died and he was away for about a month as he is from several states away. We had very little contact while he was gone.

Upon his return he stated the questionaire was very difficult and he was too emotionally raw to go through the rest of the steps.

I let it go. We sat down and discussed that 28 years is long of time to just let it go so we decided to try to work things out.

We discussed in great depth that we both hurt each other a great deal in the years past (on my side, he basically said I abandoned him after we had children and to some extent he is right, he just won't admit that he gave himself to many others (he was in the ministry full time during those years) and left his family off to the side for more than 10 years. I do accept my role in being withdrawn both emotionally and sexually during this time. We went over all of the hurts and agreed that from the moment on we would let the past go and move on.

I did, he has not! When we argue, he brings the past up from that time period, which means to me he had truly let it go. During that discussion he stated he doesn't want to have to go back and relive what he had done and would rather no longer discuss it and would not be able to live in a household where it would be the focus of everything.

He changed his behavior. We started carpooling daily. Having lunch several times a week together. Only going out when the other one was available.

I did not ask for his pw to either his phone or FB. That was my bad and I can see now that is an area where I feel less confident in knowing what he is actually doing.

I did however 'spy' on him when he would say he had to work on the weekend. I would call to make sure he was there, or I would drive by to make sure his truck was still out front.

I did on occasion scan his phone when he left it out and unlocked and did not find anything for quite some time until I found the texts between him and the mutual HS friend.

At first I didn't think anything of it as he was telling me he was talking to her and go over basically what their convo was about. Then out of the blue another mutual HS friend (someone he had known since was 6, committed suicide, she was the same person who actually introduced us to each other.) That is when the two of them started having more and more contact with each other and the flirty texts started.

I found them, told him I found them and told him how dissatisified I was to see them. He said he would no longer contact her for any reason. From what I can tell he hasn't but I don't know for sure.

I have thought about contacting her and letting her know what he has done (the PA) and that their texting is an issue for me and I would prefer they stop but I am just not sure if that is the right thing to do.

I know I have written a book but one last point. He has been on anti-depressants and up until recently when things were going well, he was on a different med, they have changed his meds and his mood and attitude has become very different. He is actually at the dr. now getting his meds changed back to the old one or a different one as the old one led to low libido which was becoming a major issue for him so that is why he changed in the first place.

There in lies which I am confused. Am I trying to make it seem as though he is trying because I want the R to be true or is he really??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

okay I'll snip some of this and bold what I believe to be the problems



HurtingInNC said:


> 1.) *Abuse (emotional, physical etc.)*
> 
> 
> *Upon his return he stated the questionaire was very difficult and he was too emotionally raw to go through the rest of the steps.*
> ...


1) physical abuse?! That's a line crosser that is extremely difficult to get past

2) when you asked him to do something to help in the marriage (take the quiz) he refused to do it and you gave up on it. That's a sign of not being remorseful. He should always look to help your pain of his infidelity.

3) just putting the past in the past without learning from it fully is rug sweeping and now it's starting to rear it's ugly head. Especially since he throws any thing he perceives of what you did wrong at you as fair game. Thus, now it all about you and your faults rather than his. Not good at all.

4) transparency is a must, all passwords, phone, bills, where is he and where he's going all helps you feel better and trust him more. If he's not willing to give you that then you are in false R and he likely has stuff to hide.

5) thus when he crossed the boundary of texting HS female friends (he should be doing that btw) you now have no idea if he's being unfaithful again


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> 1) physical abuse?! That's a line crosser that is extremely difficult to get past


:iagree:

Absolutely, again that was one of the deal breakers for me, it has never happened and if it ever did I would have been gone without looking back.


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Hurting -- I can completely understand your thought process. My H will get a little distant every now and again and it can be a trigger for me. I am being disgustingly honest when I tell you, that I had to let it go. He gets this way when he has a hard day at work. He knows my boundaries, he gets this one chance. Outside of that, if he does it again I am gone. the real struggle was making peace with the fact that we may not be married until death do us part. And I might have to be okay with that. Before, it was more of a "we HAVE to be together" . Now, I want us to be together, but if he happens to cheat again, then I know that I will not be able to stay in the relationship. And I am okay with it. I am taking classes to get my degree, I go to the gym, and I do a lot for ME. I still do plenty for us and our family. but I need the reassurance of knowing I can stand on my own two feet if I need to. And I have to tell you, there is nothing more sobering than your spouse telling you " I want you but I don't need you. And if you cheat again, I won't even want you". That one seem to hit home with him really quick.


Oh my, this is wonderfully written. I completely agree with all of this; especially the the last quote. I think I'll tell my husband this in MC next week. Thank you! April


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Dawn,

This is very profound. My next step is to get to the point where I feel comfortable that the happily ever afterer may really only be a fairytale.

I've started taking steps to once again get back to taking care of myself. Step 1!!!

Thanks for the direction and encouraging words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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