# Just shoot me!!



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So pretty much as I suspected my H has admitted that he is the biggest flirt on the planet. He flirts with all the women at work. Some more than others. Thats how the EA w the OW started pretty much. He also always talked about this guy at work oggling and commenting on the women around the office(H said how rude it was)he now admits he did it too. So pretty much he was just flat lying to me about his response to the other guy when he did it. I dont get it. Why mention it at all if youre doing it too? Wow, have the whole past 15yrs been bullsh*t??? He says he has just gotten really bad "for some reason" in the last 5 yrs or so. WTF? I am so angry and hurt. Its like I dont know him at all. He just started IC. He says he doesnt really know why he does it. Just for the ego boost/attention.? He does it w/women he is not attracted to even. It doesnt matter.


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> So pretty much as I suspected my H has admitted that he is the biggest flirt on the planet. He flirts with all the women at work. Some more than others. Thats how the EA w the OW started pretty much. He also always talked about this guy at work oggling and commenting on the women around the office(H said how rude it was)he now admits he did it too. So pretty much he was just flat lying to me about his response to the other guy when he did it. I dont get it. Why mention it at all if youre doing it too? Wow, have the whole past 15yrs been bullsh*t??? He says he has just gotten really bad "for some reason" in the last 5 yrs or so. WTF? I am so angry and hurt. Its like I dont know him at all. He just started IC. He says he doesnt really know why he does it. Just for the ego boost/attention.? He does it w/women he is not attracted to even. It doesnt matter.


Does he in front of you? Do you also flirt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think he needs constant reassurance about his worth and desirability hence his serial flirtation. To flirt with women he doesn't find attractive perhaps confirms this. If he knows to stop before it goes physical, I suppose one should take comfort in that, but that doesn't negate the pain caused by the EAs at all.

I don't know how old he is but I suppose with age he's trying to see if he still "got it". He needs to report the IC findings for you to get a grip on all of this.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

You might also request to attend an IC session w/ him, if the therapist will agree. He/she ( the therapist) may be able to assist you in understanding his problems. If not, maybe a MC would be able to help.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

par4 said:


> Does he in front of you? Do you also flirt?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No and no. Though I have seen him oggling a few times. Its like he is in overdrive!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

river rat said:


> You might also request to attend an IC session w/ him, if the therapist will agree. He/she ( the therapist) may be able to assist you in understanding his problems. If not, maybe a MC would be able to help.


He just started so I think that will prob happen down the line.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I think he needs constant reassurance about his worth and desirability hence his serial flirtation. To flirt with women he doesn't find attractive perhaps confirms this. If he knows to stop before it goes physical, I suppose one should take comfort in that, but that doesn't negate the pain caused by the EAs at all.
> 
> I don't know how old he is but I suppose with age he's trying to see if he still "got it". He needs to report the IC findings for you to get a grip on all of this.


he is 42 and acting 20.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Believe me, the baggage he was carrying at 20, he's still carrying at 42, and will be carrying at 62, unless he can sort it out and deal w/ it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So last night I asked him to shut down his fb. I simply dont trust him to draw the line when he should if an old gf were to friend him or Lord forbid a coworker. What do you guys think? He very willingly complied.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

river rat said:


> Believe me, the baggage he was carrying at 20, he's still carrying at 42, and will be carrying at 62, unless he can sort it out and deal w/ it.


Like what kind of baggage? Ideas?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> So last night I asked him to shut down his fb. I simply dont trust him to draw the line when he should if an old gf were to friend him or Lord forbid a coworker. What do you guys think? He very willingly complied.


IMO this is a good sign! I said it earlier, but if he is going to IC AND willing to shut off FB and working from home then he is trying??? 

I found in my situation it took since last July for this to "click" in my H's mind. And since it's finally clicked we have had more ups/downs than ever (meaning now that we are truly working on this it's harder than when we just ignored it and hoped time would decide for us what to do). 

It won't happen over night, but the "baby steps" are good.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

1) It's his fault for not being honest and upfront about it. If he was, you'd probably be more secure about it because you'd know what it was and what it wasn't.

2) I don't think you should start cracking down on Facebook and things like that. Instead, match his drive and intensity with your own flirtation with him, to divert his attention from other women to you. Men will always look and wonder, but if he has your attention and desire, it all becomes harmless.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Blue Moon said:


> 1) It's his fault for not being honest and upfront about it. If he was, you'd probably be more secure about it because you'd know what it was and what it wasn't.
> 
> 2) I don't think you should start cracking down on Facebook and things like that. Instead, match his drive and intensity with your own flirtation with him, to divert his attention from other women to you. Men will always look and wonder, but if he has your attention and desire, it all becomes harmless.


Blue, #1. Yes had he not denied it and confessed when confronted it would have made a big difference

#2. I did match his intensity and drive. Actually, I am the HD in the relationship. I always flirted with him. Sent him flirty texts, winked at him, told him how sexy he was. I have always done that. It didnt stop him one bit.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

My father was a huge flirt all his life. My mother learned to accept it but I know it bothered her a lot. I think some people are just prone to that type of behavior. They use it to cover up a lack of self worth. I think sitting in on one of his IC sessions sounds like a very good idea. Not only might you be able to get a glimpse into his psyche but it will be a good opportunity to let his therapist know how pervasive his flirting behavior is and how much it is an impediment to a stable relationship with you.

BTW, the fact that he shut down his Facebook page at your request is very heartening. Don't dismiss it lightly.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have a good grip on it, OP, it seems. Sometimes people are so insecure--even at 42--that they need tons of affirmation from others, and if it is in insecurity about their sex appeal, one partner's appreciation is enough--nothing is enough, b/c their security about their sex appeal has to come from within. 

I think it is wise to have him cut off temptations--like FB--while he is working through counseling. Maybe someday he will be able to return to it with a new outlook, but by then he may not even care to, if he used it mostly for an "attention fix."

And yes, his behavior is very encouraging. Let him know you see and appreciate it! Good luck!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> My father was a huge flirt all his life. My mother learned to accept it but I know it bothered her a lot. I think some people are just prone to that type of behavior. They use it to cover up a lack of self worth. I think sitting in on one of his IC sessions sounds like a very good idea. Not only might you be able to get a glimpse into his psyche but it will be a good opportunity to let his therapist know how pervasive his flirting behavior is and how much it is an impediment to a stable relationship with you.
> 
> BTW, the fact that he shut down his Facebook page at your request is very heartening. Don't dismiss it lightly.


He closed it immediately. NO hesitation. And his Linkden too(his idea). He does seem to be trying. Its just hard to keep my eye on the ball sometimes b/c the triggers, movies get in the way so the anger and resentment takes over. He is just allowing me to vent for the most part and apologizes. The good part is I really think he had no emotional attachment to her, she was born of opportunity. Small consolation but I'll take it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> He closed it immediately. NO hesitation. And his Linkden too(his idea). He does seem to be trying. Its just hard to keep my eye on the ball sometimes b/c the triggers, movies get in the way so the anger and resentment takes over. He is just allowing me to vent for the most part and apologizes. The good part is I really think he had no emotional attachment to her, she was born of opportunity. Small consolation but I'll take it.


We take what we can get. Keep working at it and it will get better. Would it help you to know that even though I still trigger (rarely) sometimes I can actually joke with my wife now about her affair?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> We take what we can get. Keep working at it and it will get better. Would it help you to know that even though I still trigger (rarely) sometimes I can actually joke with my wife now about her affair?


I dont know if I will ever be there but I really hope I am. I hope we get through this and come out better on the other side. We have both lost alot of sleep. Neither of us can eat. Its ridiculous, but I dont have to tell you, right?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I dont know if I will ever be there but I really hope I am. I hope we get through this and come out better on the other side. We have both lost alot of sleep. Neither of us can eat. Its ridiculous, but I dont have to tell you, right?


I know exactly what you are saying. Time doesn't cure but it does heal. Take it slow and keep at it.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

My man was a terrible oggler when we met. I got very upset about it. If he did not change we would not have lasted. He was probably a terrible flirt too. In fact, I think he was. I tried to put it in a way he could understand. All that behaviour is like a slippery slope. One thing leads to another. So, before u know it, you find yourself in a position of being at a crossroads of yes or no to a physical opportunity with another. Oggling leads another to believe you fancy them. Invites them to flirt back. The flirting becomes more serious. Then the slippery slope invites further contact. All you need is the right person and the right circumstances (or rather, wrong) and the oggling/flirting turns into so much more. He understood and it ended. At least in front of me anyway. I only know what he does in front of me. Though he has told me of a situation where his co workers were oggling and he walked away in disgust! I hope this is true for all cases, and not just that the women were not his cup of tea. I do wonder what he would have done if it was his kind of woman.

Your husbands actions sound extremely encouraging. Excellent!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Remains said:


> My man was a terrible oggler when we met. I got very upset about it. If he did not change we would not have lasted. He was probably a terrible flirt too. In fact, I think he was. I tried to put it in a way he could understand. All that behaviour is like a slippery slope. One thing leads to another. So, before u know it, you find yourself in a position of being at a crossroads of yes or no to a physical opportunity with another. Oggling leads another to believe you fancy them. Invites them to flirt back. The flirting becomes more serious. Then the slippery slope invites further contact. All you need is the right person and the right circumstances (or rather, wrong) and the oggling/flirting turns into so much more. He understood and it ended. At least in front of me anyway. I only know what he does in front of me. Though he has told me of a situation where his co workers were oggling and he walked away in disgust! I hope this is true for all cases, and not just that the women were not his cup of tea. I do wonder what he would have done if it was his kind of woman.
> 
> Your husbands actions sound extremely encouraging. Excellent!


I hope your hubby is on the right road.

And yes, his actions do seem encouraging but its been an awful road I gotta tell ya. When I used to hear people talk about their spouses cheating I thought I understood how they felt....WRONG. You cant possibly know until it happens to YOU. You can imagine somewhat but you cant really know. So I have my fingers and toes crossed that he is on the right path b/c I dont think my heart can take anymore.

Thanks for the encouragement!!!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So before we got married I bought him a necklace w/a cross. he has worn it EVERY day for 15yrs. Today, its off....I asked him-his answer "I threw it"....?????Is this the freakin twilight zone?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> So before we got married I bought him a necklace w/a cross. he has worn it EVERY day for 15yrs. Today, its off....I asked him-his answer "I threw it"....?????Is this the freakin twilight zone?


He resents you now. Part of the reason I didn't like the Facebook shut down move. I understand it, but it came off a little heavy handed to be honest. The oggling at work was the issue, but the Facebook seemed to be covering for hypotheticals.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

That is weird. Especially as he happily came off FB and he offered to close LinkedIn. Has he said why he threw it? Does he recognise his behaviour as wrong and that he shouldn't be doing it? Or is he cross with u for putting a stop to a behaviour he sees nothing wrong with and is a part of how he enjoys life...therefore resentment? Or....? 

Why did he feel the need and desire to throw it? It certainly says something big about the way he is feeling. A symbolisation of something big.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> He also always talked about this guy at work oggling and commenting on the women around the office(H said how rude it was)he now admits he did it too.
> 
> I dont get it. Why mention it at all if youre doing it too?
> 
> Just for the ego boost/attention.? He does it w/women he is not attracted to even. It doesnt matter.


This is not a fun mountain to climb.

1. He talked about the guy at work to you because he felt guilty and wanted to judge your reaction to the behavior. He was "outing" himself to you (kinda) and felt better about his behavior after he told you. 

2. Remember that attraction/love = dopamine. Same reaction as when you take crack. Flirtation = mild, pretty controllable dopamine reaction - although if you play too much, you will get an EA/PA. Some people abuse drugs, other people drink - your husband soothes his anxiety/low self esteem by flirting. Flirting is a way to fill a hole.

3. His flirting is not personal. He may love you and still need his flirting fix. You will have to work hard to understand that no one could be enough. Think about all the beautiful Hollywood stars and their infidelity. No human being is enough.

4. From a dispassionate place, you may be able to at least understand your husband's behavior. You set your boundary (no flirting +) and your husband must to respect it. He can work on his issues in counseling. If he can't or doesn't want to respect the boundary, then he needs to state that clearly and you can make another decision. 

My wife and I joke about flirting - neither one of us would ever dream of "experimenting" with crack, so why go out and play with the same fire by opening that door with flirtation or an EA. Once you open the door and give keys to another human being, it takes a tremendous amount of strength to pull away. This is why breakups hurt so much.

I would also encourage you to take an inventory of your relationship with your husband and make sure you think it is where it should be. Usually, we are only as healthy as our partners. What can you work on in your own life to make you the best person you can be? You can't fix him, but you can certainly up your own game and you should.

Good luck!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Blue Moon said:


> He resents you now. Part of the reason I didn't like the Facebook shut down move. I understand it, but it came off a little heavy handed to be honest. The oggling at work was the issue, but the Facebook seemed to be covering for hypotheticals.


Nope,not related. He did it 9 days ago(I just noticed b/c he had on a shirt that made it obvious. His 'explaination' was that he was pissed at God for letting him go this far down the wrong path. He now realized how stupid that was. My problem lies in the fact that he had yet to even look for it(he threw it in the spare bedroom, found the chain, not the cross). He has worn it for 15yrs. Hasnt bothered to even look for it. It hurts my feelings b/c I gave him that cross and I took it as another step from me.(I know Im sensitive but how can ya blame me). I told him it hurt my feelings he has been up for hours today,hasnt looked yet....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> This is not a fun mountain to climb.
> 
> 1. He talked about the guy at work to you because he felt guilty and wanted to judge your reaction to the behavior. He was "outing" himself to you (kinda) and felt better about his behavior after he told you.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your candor. I am looking long and hard at our relationship(in fact its all Ive been doing for weeks now). I have taken up yoga and am seeing an IC myself. 

As far as the flirting, it stops or I go. Its that simple b/c obviously he doesnt draw the line when he should. There's NO way Im going through this again, If we survive this.Im sure at some point it will move on to MC after his Ic. He is working HARD. The necklace thingy just hurts my feelings.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Remains said:


> That is weird. Especially as he happily came off FB and he offered to close LinkedIn. Has he said why he threw it? Does he recognise his behaviour as wrong and that he shouldn't be doing it? Or is he cross with u for putting a stop to a behaviour he sees nothing wrong with and is a part of how he enjoys life...therefore resentment? Or....?
> 
> Why did he feel the need and desire to throw it? It certainly says something big about the way he is feeling. A symbolisation of something big.


Pure frustration. With himself, with God, with me, with the situation, with his job(she is his superior so thats uncomfortable as hell)but you get what you ask for. This has cost him financially(his raise sucked, and no bonus), it cost him personally(he may lose his family) and professionally(he has to find a new job and reputation) He is 'bleeding' everywhere he turns. Its actually a good thing to see the consequenses but it sure is murder while its happening.

It was way before the fb/linkedin thing. Totally unrelated. He really didnt mind. At this point thats "small potatoes" as he put it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I know the fact that you gave him the cross and he tossed it hurts you. But his explanation for why may be quite real. Have you sat down and explained how it made you feel? Did you ask if you could buy him something else he could wear to take the place of the cross? Does he still wear his wedding ring? If your husband really was having a crisis of faith then to him the cross had more negative connotations than positive ones. I think this may be one case where you have to accept his actions, as painful as they may be, as part of the disengaging process from his hurtful behavior.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I know the fact that you gave him the cross and he tossed it hurts you. But his explanation for why may be quite real. Have you sat down and explained how it made you feel? Did you ask if you could buy him something else he could wear to take the place of the cross? Does he still wear his wedding ring? If your husband really was having a crisis of faith then to him the cross had more negative connotations than positive ones. I think this may be one case where you have to accept his actions, as painful as they may be, as part of the disengaging process from his hurtful behavior.


Beo, YES he does wear his ring. And I do believe him about WHY he threw it the problem mostly that I have is his lack of effort in finding it, at least to put it up if he doesnt want to wear it(though that does sadden me). Also we discussed that God didnt do this, he did. God has kept him from getting fired and losing his family so far...He acknowledges that it was a moment of weakness and pain and disappointment in himself and just wanting to purge the anxiety. Im just sensitive about things he does b/c I already feel second best right now. I guess thats normal?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> Nope,not related. He did it 9 days ago(I just noticed b/c he had on a shirt that made it obvious. His 'explaination' was that he was pissed at God for letting him go this far down the wrong path. He now realized how stupid that was. My problem lies in the fact that he had yet to even look for it(he threw it in the spare bedroom, found the chain, not the cross). He has worn it for 15yrs. Hasnt bothered to even look for it. It hurts my feelings b/c I gave him that cross and I took it as another step from me.(I know Im sensitive but how can ya blame me). I told him it hurt my feelings he has been up for hours today,hasnt looked yet....


Oh OK, my mistake then. Yea, that's a little bit strange.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Beo, YES he does wear his ring. And I do believe him about WHY he threw it the problem mostly that I have is his lack of effort in finding it, at least to put it up if he doesnt want to wear it(though that does sadden me). Also we discussed that God didnt do this, he did. God has kept him from getting fired and losing his family so far...He acknowledges that it was a moment of weakness and pain and disappointment in himself and just wanting to purge the anxiety. Im just sensitive about things he does b/c I already feel second best right now. I guess thats normal?


Is it normal to feel second best? Maybe. But its not right and its not something that has to or will continue. What he did had nothing to do with you. It was a weakness in him. Its something he has to deal with. His crisis in faith is him wondering why God would let him be so weak. He's wondering why God didn't have his back and make him strong. What he has to understand is that God doesn't make you strong. You have to do that for yourself. God can help boost your strength but you have to have strength to boost.

Its kind of like the old story of the devout man during a flood. A police officer comes by and tells him to evacuate because of the oncoming flood. He says God will protect me. As the waters rise he is at his second floor window and a fireman on a ladder truck says to come through the window and we'll get you to safety. The man says God will protect me. Then the man is standing on his roof as the waters continue to rise. A man comes by in a boat and says hop in we'll save you. The man says God will protect me. The man drowns. When he gets to heaven he says to God: "I was devout. I worshiped you well. I always followed your commandments and prayed to you every night. Why didn't you save me?" God replied: "I sent a police officer, a fireman and a man in a boat. Why didn't you accept my help?"

Your husband needs to understand that God made him able to resist temptation. He chose to ignore the innate abilities that God already gave him. Someday he will work it out but it will probably take time.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

He did put the chain back on w/o the cross yesterday. Its a step I guess(he hasnt rejected the cross just hasnt found it). He also told his mother what he has done last night. She was less than helpful. But the point was that he is coming out of the fog I think.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> He did put the chain back on w/o the cross yesterday. Its a step I guess(he hasnt rejected the cross just hasnt found it). He also told his mother what he has done last night. She was less than helpful. But the point was that he is coming out of the fog I think.


How was his mom's reaction? Less than helpful as in she took his side (is there a side???) or just ignored it all together?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> How was his mom's reaction? Less than helpful as in she took his side (is there a side???) or just ignored it all together?


she pretty much ignored it. She turned the whole conversation around to be about her own divorce(20yrs ago) and told him to go to church(ok to say but that was it).


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## Nadine (Mar 28, 2012)

is he trying to hint somethin at you by being so open about his demeaning behaviour?? how are you able to take it without givin him somethin to repent about? i think you really need to talk it out straight out with him and make it clear how difficult it is for to tolerate such kinda foolish acts. he needs to resolve his issues soon enough or you need to dissolve this relationship. 

you need love in return for your love not fidelity
wish u luck


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

nadine said:


> is he trying to hint somethin at you by being so open about his demeaning behaviour?? How are you able to take it without givin him somethin to repent about? I think you really need to talk it out straight out with him and make it clear how difficult it is for to tolerate such kinda foolish acts. He needs to resolve his issues soon enough or you need to dissolve this relationship.
> 
> You need love in return for your love not fidelity
> wish u luck


what??????????????


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