# leaving passive aggressive man



## manny1

I would really like to hear from women who are living with PA men. I read this wonderful book that I got online called Living With The Passive Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler, PhD. It made me cry, made me angry but it finally allowed me to see my marriage for what it was/is. I left him after 22 years of marriage and am in the process of divorce. Unless you have been then and done that do you understand what it is like in a marriage with a PA man. Please share your thoughts


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## toolate

Is there such a person that is truly only PA? My husband is PA and aggressive (if I confront the PA).


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## manny1

yea there are just passive men but they would just be annoying a passive aggressive man is very difficult to live with a passive man i think just wants to please a passive aggressive man will never do anything to please you. You are there to please him and he will control and manipulate you to become what he wants you to become to meet his needs. They have very low self esteem and actually thinks you are there to make him feel better about himself but of course you can't because he is the one with the problem. So when he sees you can't make him feel better about himself he blames you starts calling you the crazy one which might be one of the nicer things that comes out of his mouth. Any way the more I learned about passive aggressive men the more intolerant I became. They are playing one big game that never ever ends. I'm too old to play games with a relationship so I got out.


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## keke1

Good for you manny1......Good for you!!!!


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## AFEH

manny1 said:


> I would really like to hear from women who are living with PA men. I read this wonderful book that I got online called Living With The Passive Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler, PhD. It made me cry, made me angry but it finally allowed me to see my marriage for what it was/is. I left him after 22 years of marriage and am in the process of divorce. Unless you have been then and done that do you understand what it is like in a marriage with a PA man. Please share your thoughts



In marital conflicts there are two types of aggression. Active Aggression and Passive Aggression. Both types of aggression are based on anger. Anger is a core, basic emotion, like happiness, and rises when a person has been deeply hurt.

“Being in love” in a marriage is almost a guarantee of being hurt one time or other, sometimes deeply hurt. So the presence of active or passive aggression is more or less guaranteed.

Active aggression is short term. Passive aggression is long term. Both have their upsides and their downsides. Give me active aggression along with a willingness to resolve the conflict any and every day of the week.

Bob


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## Tiredspouse0297

Passive aggression is a form of emotional abuse. Trust me, I live with it everyday.


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## sisters359

Yes, I walked away after 21 years from a PA man. He made a point of not doing anything I asked of him, from filling the gas tank to trying new things in bed. 

I often think he might have a component of narcissism, too. *Everything* was always someone else's fault. He said awful things sometimes, too, like when our friend's child had a near-fatal asthma attack, he said, "Oh, well, at least they have money." He said stuff like that a lot. He also wanted to be rich but didn't want to have to work for it and then blamed me for not pursuing a very lucrative career when I had the chance. 

I had done as much counseling as I could on my own, but he wouldn't get mental health help (didn't believe in it), and so I did the only thing left to do: leave. By that point--when he cried and begged me to do joint counseling (he suddenly believed in it)--it was too late.


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## Tiredspouse0297

Blah. They all cry and beg when we decide to leave. Yet when we cry and beg for them to change they ignore us. They wait till we're completely done with the marriage emotionally and then they want to change. Well this time I'm dragging my emotional tyrant of a husband to counselling whether it works or not. Then I can at least say I tried and he can't pull the old "I had no idea this was coming" guilt trip on me!


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## kendra2705

Oh my god this sounds llike the man I have just left. I didn't realise there was such a thing a PA, most things I asked for in life was answered with a no, would avoid doing anything for me and want me to do things for him, would never sort out an argument just kept adding to it , never said sorry not unless I cried but I don't cry easily so rarely got a sorry. Would make the basics in life hard work and yes now Iv'e gone and this is the forth time and for good this time he is falling apart, but I will give him one thing , he totaly blames himself and says he let me down and is so sorry for doing it but again it's too late.


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## Scannerguard

Ehhh.

I don't buy the Passive Aggressive thing too much. It's some amorphous psychobabble terminology to me, a made-up sayign when someone isn't getting their way into manipulating you. I was called passive aggressive one time by a marital therapist.

I had no idea what he was talking about and told him I was going to sit down on the floor and not move and cover my ears if he tried to explain it to me.


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## Scannerguard

And yeah, yeah, everyone is emotionally abused nowadays too.

Did you know "Lack of Ambition" is one of the defining characteristics in some states for grounds for divorce as component of "emotional abuse"?

So, if your husband refused to take that job as a school principal with more money and benefits, instead opting to continute to just teach music, well. . .that's obviously Emotional Abuse, Ladies. An obvious display of "lack of ambition" and "passive aggressive behavior."

Why?

Well, because he didn't do what you wanted, just did what he watned and didn't do what you are sure is right.

Passive Aggressive.

Sounds like 12-20 weeks of therapy to me.

(have I given you some food for thought yet?  )


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## kendra2705

Sorry don't mean to sound rude but isn't sitting on the floor with your hands over your ears refusing to listen a trait that someone else said above ,how you can try to talk but they just wont listen only a polite question not an argumentative comment x


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## Scannerguard

Kendra:

I was being tongue-in-cheek - self-deprecating humor. Sorry. (no, I did not sit on the floor covering my ears - that was a joke).

I was basically admitting that a therapist called me/diagnosed me as a passive aggressive male one time. I still to this day am not really sure what they mean by that.

I actually consider myself pretty flexible, collaborative, and was even a little henpecked at times. . .but I admit, there were certain things in my ex-marriage (one thing) that I refused to budge on.

If that makes me passive aggressive. . .well, the PhD's can examine me and publish me, I suppose.


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## Scannerguard

The following is a grounds for divorce in NJ - extreme cruelty:



> Extreme cruelty – This is the most common ground for divorce. More than one-half of the divorces in New Jersey are based on extreme cruelty. This ground includes all acts of physical violence and acts of mental cruelty which endanger your safety or health or which make continued living together unreasonable or improper. There is no waiting period.
> 
> Common factors for extreme cruelty are as follows:
> 
> 1. Financial
> 
> * too tight in denial of necessities
> * too extravagant
> * too much credit use
> * refusal to use credit
> * neglect monthly payments
> * unreasonable spending habits on himself, wife, children
> * disputes about control
> * erratic employment
> 
> 2. Embarrassing, humiliating experiences (public and private)
> 
> 3. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, and related activities
> 
> 4. Sexual problems
> 
> * inconsideration
> * refusal of sexual intercourse
> * sexual excess
> * unreasonable demands
> * perversions
> * impotence
> * homosexuality
> * psychological, dating other persons (but no adultery or deviant sexual conduct).
> 
> 5. Domestic irresponsibility
> 
> * chores refusal
> * not fulfilling role as father, husband, supporter
> 
> 6. Lying, fraud
> 
> 7. Social activities
> 
> * lack of
> * excessiveness
> 
> 8. Offensive language (in public or private)
> 
> 9. Physical abuse, violence
> 
> 10. Lack of personal hygiene, cleanliness
> 
> 11. Lack of initiative, ambition
> 
> 12. Personality hang-ups and conflicts
> 
> * cold shoulder treatment
> * domineering spouse
> 
> 13. Arguments caused by husband
> 
> 14. Threats of violence, desertion, etc.
> 
> 15. Jealousy, false accusations
> 
> 16. Bad temper
> 
> 17. Mental illness, neurotic behavior, emotional instability
> 
> 18. Criminal tendencies, convictions
> 
> 19. Religious abuses
> 
> 20. Poor driving habits; accidents
> 
> 21. Unreasonable obsessions with the occult, gurus, psychics, meditation
> 
> 22. Provocation and retaliation
> 
> 23. Indifference
> 
> 24. Lack of affection
> 
> 25. Nagging
> 
> 26. Refusal to have children
> 
> To file a complaint based on extreme cruelty, you must state in writing that your husband is guilty of conduct which you find unreasonable. The standard for determining whether his conduct is unreasonable is subjective. A subjective standard is what you find to be unreasonable, not what someone else would find unreasonable.


LOL. . .I like the one - "13. Arguments caused by Husband."

Ladies, we all know *you *don't cause any arguments, right  ? What makes me think that humans of the Female Persuasion petitioned a lot of the list above to be legislated? 

(I'm just teasing the ladies here a bit, don't mind me).


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## Tiredspouse0297

There are forms of PA that are abusive, however most of it is just annoying and adds to the problem. It's manipulation or just plain old not giving a damn. My husband, who really is emotionally abusive thank you, has always told me he has a bad memory. So when I ask if he can please pick something up while he's out, he always says "if I remember". Well most of the time he doesn't. So I tell him, please make a note in your phone, write it on your hand etc. Won't do it, it's easier to pretend that he just simply can't remember the things I need. I started texting him the list of things we need from the store, when he goes. It helps and he can't pull his crappy memory game with me.


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## Tiredspouse0297

Lol, it's like the list was made to pretty much cover any reason you could think up to divorce someone. Why not just make it a no-fault state? Then you can divorce someone and not have to bother with a reason?


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## coco19

And you don't think you are passive aggressive? That is passive aggressiveness at it's core! Wow!


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## coco19

PA men are so full of it. I have had my fill of the bs for 17 years to the point where I hate him. I cannot stand him. I am working toward my independence and once I am ready I am outta here! They make excuse after excuse after excuse! When my PA husband tells me something I can usually tell he's lying. After he tells me something that I know is bs, I say to him, "Okay and now you can tell me the truth. He knows I am not falling for his crap anymore, esp. his forgetfulness tactic. I don't put up with it.


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## katiecrna

I am married to a PA husband. I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I am well educated on his tactics, but I am still naive because I love him and I don't want to leave him. I still think he can change. I know in my head that will never happen and he only loves himself and he manipulates me and he gets away with murder, but my heart hasn't caught up to my head yet. I just don't want to admit this is actually my life. (I'm so weak and pathetic I know).


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## Tomara

16 years of PA and narcasistic behavior was enough for me. The refusal to deal with everyday things then doing things to get "even" with me behind my back. He's lucky as hell I left because if I heard one more time, we will have to just agree to disagree, I would have twisted his head off his shoulders. ( kinda said tongue in cheek).


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