# So lost can anyone help please



## Altoonawife (Dec 17, 2012)

I have no one to talk to about my problem and no one to understand how I feel. I found 2 major secrets my husband had kept from me. The first one was I found he was shooting up pain pills and told me he was so unhappy with the marriage and was not in love no more. Then we was "working" it out. Then I felt something else he was hiding and found out... he was having a emotional affair for 3 months now I am so lost. He then seen if she wanted to be with him and she said she did not want to be the one who cause the divorce.... But she let him emotional connect with her hiding it. He was also giving her money so idk. Then he had to think if he wanted to stay with me I love him and never seen all this coming only 1 year of marriage too. Been together 8yrs. He said he wanted to work on it again but still not inlove with me. I am not sure what I can do. He says he still needs time. I am not sure what I can do I really want this to work. I truly am in love with him enough to forgive everything. I am willing to try to do things he said why he felt the way he was. 

I am still not sure he used to beat the crap out of me but then he stopped when I said enough was enough and for 3 yrs never touched. But the next day when we was talking he was blaming me on the affair and I was telling him it was his fault he said I should slap you I said do it. Then he slammed me on the bed with full pressure on my neck could not breathe for 3 secs he then let up and cried. I am not sure how to cope with that. He used to chock me before and never did it where I could not breathe. I am torn between if its all worth this


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

For Gods sake woman!

Are you going crazy! Do you have any kids? If not. Leave. Leave today. Find someplace safe. This man is taking drugs, even if he was not abusive for three whole years (big woop) he is different with drugs. 

Screw the idea of "love" for the moment and think survival.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you have a cell phone? 

If you don't leave today then find the number to several help lines in your area. Have the phone on you fully charged at all times. Find a safe place in the house that you can run to in case of emergency and call 911 immediately. It may help to get him in custody for a while. He may be able to detox. 

Don't even think of getting back with him while he's drugged up. And absolutely NEVER tell him to "hit me" because he will surely do it. 

If you have a bruise on your neck call the police and file a complaint. You cannot let this go. It's giving him permission to do it again and with more force next time.


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## Altoonawife (Dec 17, 2012)

no kids and I understand its with the drugs but want to help him I am not perfect either. I believe if something is broken you dont just throw it away you try all you can to help fix it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Yes but you want to address the relationship right now. 
He is ON DRUGS he is not rational. When he gets off drugs you will still have relationship problems but they will be addressable at that time. 

I'm not suggesting you leave him totally at this time (although it isn't a bad idea - not at all) but you should remove yourself physically from his potential outburst. You have no idea if tonight he'll "hear the voice of god telling him to do whatever" 

Leave him a note or voicemail and tell him that after last night's attack you want to take a few days to compose yourself. And that when he comes clean you want him to work on the relationship. 

What kind of "pain pills" is he shooting up? Do you mean he is crushing and injecting drugs or ingesting them? 

Are the drugs in your home?


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## Altoonawife (Dec 17, 2012)

Detoex or something they are not in the house. I found out about it dec 3 we was fine working on stuff but when the affair was brought up thats where he got angry. He told me he shot up when he found out I knew. He told me he knows its bad and he is sorry but he dont know what he wants. He told me he has done it the whole time we been together that he did it once in awhile. Even when he stopped hitting me so I am not sure. I know I would tell myself to leave and so forth but easy said then done.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

MOVE OUT NOW! Before this man seriously injures or kills you.Take the kids and GO!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Oh lord does this sound familiar to me. My wife is an addict. Trust me the relationship will get worse when he gets off the drugs. You are in shock right now and need to get thru that. You are not throwing anything away. Drugs and affairs are both boundaries that should never be crossed. Read my thread. Pain pills are terrible. 

Are their kids involved? Do you have a nice home with alot of equity? How long married? You need to start planning for the worst. I am so sorry and I am living your worst nightmare as we speak.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you read the papers? 

As long as he is 'shooting up' he is a bigger danger than when he's just mad. 

And he has beat you up before when he was just mad. He choked you before. He is used to doing it even if he hadn't done it in a while. Sure he's 'sorry' later. But you know what?
It doesn't matter. you can sometimes take back something you said but you cant take back a broken neck. 

Do you love your parents? Do they love you? Do you want them to be visiting you in a nursing home this time next year? 

I'm trying to 'scare you' but it's a real possibility. 

Do NOT talk to him about his affair. Before you ever mention the affair again you need to go to a counselor and find ways of coping with him - it would be better to find out why you are attracted to a man who has beat and choked you.


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## Altoonawife (Dec 17, 2012)

guess afraid of being alone


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You know what's worse than being alone?

Being lonely with a disrespectful, drugged out, wife beater in the house. 

Being lonely in the middle of a crowd is always lonelier and more depressing. 

You are in your mid to early 30s? If so, you have not spent much of your adult life experiencing a life free of dependency and free of abuse. You are a prisoner in your marriage. 

You have the keys to the prison. Use them


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## Altoonawife (Dec 17, 2012)

I been in this relationship for so long I am in my mid 20's he was pretty much a relationship after high school and I was not perfect I had los of issues that he helped me with. I cheated on him once the first 1 we was together then I did it again 2 years we was together. I used to be a drinker he helped me. He stood by me and never gave up yes there is so many bad but also good. Thats whats hard being alone and when I needed him he never gave up on me


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You cheated twice, you were an alcoholic?, he's a drug addict, he's an abuser - past and present, he's in an affair. 

You have lived you're entire adult life (8 years) with this on your plate. 

I'm going to guess that your family life growing up was in a home with strife. A home with little or no love? 

It's a human need to want a connection with another human. We seek those out beginning in our youth and make choices along the way. 

You have made many poor choices: cheating, alcohol, accepting abuse, dealing poorly with a drug addicted partner. I'm not trying to be mean or harsh. And I know you must have many wonderful and redeeming qualities. 

But you AND your husband have made a very poor choice in selecting each other. You can keep working at it. It may develop into the type of partnership that is fulfilling. 

A partnership where EACH person is dedicated to looking after the welfare and well being of the other. Has your husband looked out for your well being and welfare? Through your drinking episode - yes. But he has also beat you, choked you, swore at you, is having an affair. That doesn't balance. 

Have you looked out for his welfare and well being? You have cheated and been an alcoholic. 

Neither of you is ready for a lifetime commitment. Do you know that of all the people that married in their twenties in 1999 there are only 60% still married by the time they reach their 30th birthday?

You both need to seek counseling before there will be any hope for a future together. Don't settle for short-term 'togetherness' in a relationship full of hurt and immaturity. 

Heal first.


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

Do you love him more than breathing?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Altoonawife - You're not alone right now. I'm giving you a big hug as I write this.

You can recover your life and maybe eventually your marriage if you make some simple commitments. They will be hard to do at first, but if things stay the same, you could wind up dead at your husband's hands. You say you want to be there for him when he needs you, but you can't do that in the condition you are in.

You need to be strong enough to make the right decisions for your own life. Only then is there any chance that you can possibly help your husband. 

So..the first thing to do is establish safety for yourself. Do you have family or friends who can support you?


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Altoonawife said:


> I have no one to talk to about my problem and no one to understand how I feel. I found 2 major secrets my husband had kept from me. The first one was I found he was shooting up pain pills and told me he was so unhappy with the marriage and was not in love no more. Then we was "working" it out. Then I felt something else he was hiding and found out... he was having a emotional affair for 3 months now I am so lost. He then seen if she wanted to be with him and she said she did not want to be the one who cause the divorce.... But she let him emotional connect with her hiding it. He was also giving her money so idk. Then he had to think if he wanted to stay with me I love him and never seen all this coming only 1 year of marriage too. Been together 8yrs. He said he wanted to work on it again but still not inlove with me. I am not sure what I can do. He says he still needs time. I am not sure what I can do I really want this to work. I truly am in love with him enough to forgive everything. I am willing to try to do things he said why he felt the way he was.
> 
> I am still not sure he used to beat the crap out of me but then he stopped when I said enough was enough and for 3 yrs never touched. But the next day when we was talking he was blaming me on the affair and I was telling him it was his fault he said I should slap you I said do it. Then he slammed me on the bed with full pressure on my neck could not breathe for 3 secs he then let up and cried. I am not sure how to cope with that. He used to chock me before and never did it where I could not breathe. I am torn between if its all worth this


Err. You may not believe it's possible, or you may not believe you are worth it, but take it from me: 1) A far better man and life is possible for you than this!! All you have to do is find the strength to make a clean break. 2) You ARE worth it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group near you to attend. 

Also find an organization near you that helps victims of domestic abuse/violence.

You husband needs to find a place to help him detox and stop the drug use. This will be a life-long fight for him.

He needs anger management counseling/classes.

The next time physcially harms you call the police. He might need the courts to order him into a program for his abuse and drug use.

The work of fixing your marriage cannot even start until your husband deals with his drug use and his use of violence.

Remember that drug abusers are married to their drug. That is what is the most important to them. He has to hit bottom before he will get off the drugs.

He told you that he had quit the drugs. But when you found out about his affair he shot up. If he had quite, why did he have the stuff to shoot up? He's lying to you.


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