# hurting and lost



## coastalbend (Jun 1, 2017)

Im 39 have 2 boys 4 and 8. Never officially married but was with her for 11 years. I have anxiety / depression but have been taking meds for 5 years and feel better than ever until she left again. She grew up in a broken home with non communication between her parents. Step father was a tyrant, several step mothers. She carries this fake super positive attitude around and will not discuss anything negative. This has lead to 5 total splits in our time with the current one the most severe and permanent. She was emotionally cheating on me if not physically. Her mom left her 400k in 15 which allowed her to buy a house and furnish it behind my back. I knew she was unhappy and was trying to get her to counseling again or just to talk but she locks up. Came home and my house was completely empty, non communication where kids were just divorce papers. She refused counseling because she claims i " manipulate the counselors to talking to her instead of me, who is the problem ". I know im a fool because i miss her and my kids and my old life. Shes been gone since march 24 and we just finalized the custody Tuesday. I feel shorted on visitation with only every 1 3 5 weekend this summer and next school year. Have to pay $1700 child support. She took my life and got payed for it. I had a great lawer but my large assets made my lawer leary of trial. My lawer and my family say i did the right thing but it feels wrong. 

Also she didn't like me taking medicine for my condition, says i should have worked it out with a counselor or something. We only ever fought about the kids, my medicine and what i call normal relationship stuff. After i got on my meds and her mother died i could see a definite change in her. She became very unhappy with her life and stopped doing things she liked. I tryed to talk and support as much as i could. She worked from home and lost money in 15 and 16. 

I feel lost without my family, i was ok until we finalized everything Tuesday, now im back on the ground like when she first left. I know i should be moving on but i don't want to, i want my old life back but it gone, shes a different person and i get very limited time with my kids.


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## coastalbend (Jun 1, 2017)

Just wanted to add she trying to keep my time with the kids to a minimum, in her mind im a terrible father and shes done nothing wrong. Has been taking my kids out with her boyfriend. Her boyfriends teenage son was watching my kids while we were at mediation.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, I am so sorry for your current plight. One thing I would like to say is that although you may think you want your former life back, what I hope you will see is the opportunity to become better. I know it is hard. I was where you are now. The only thing I wanted was for everything to go back to the way it was. For months I tried to recreate that. First by pining after her, then by trying to replace her with someone I felt was just like the one I had imagined her to be. It took months, to even recognize that that was what I was doing. But truly you do need to accept the change. No one is coming to save you, but you can save your self. Take this opportunity to become a better version of you, not try to remake the old you. One way to look at it is this: Your life was a large plate glass window. It has been shattered and is lying on the sidewalk in a million pieces. If you were like I was, I spent months trying to pick up those pieces to recreate that plate glass window. Then I realized, I never really liked that plate glass window in the first place, and now I get the chance to replace it with a beautiful, colorful stained glass window that displays me in all my glory. Do that and you will attract many admirers who will make you forget the plate glass window ever existed.
So, start today, start looking for that stained glass as you sweep away the shards of your broken former life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, get off the meds. 

But do so under a doctors supervision.

If the meds keep you at an "even" keel, you will feel under control. You will.

But being on an "even" keel means that others see you as "flat".

Flat, with no sharp lively corners.

That said, I am being presumptuous here. You need to talk to a real doctor.

That said, women like strong, active men. Men who are decisive. 

They will forgive you the 'occasional' small [even large] selfish transgression. They will not forgive you flatness. 

If you bore them, they go away. They are funny that way.

PS: Or, marry another "Flat Earther", she will see no fault lines in your planet. Two flats make a right....right angle. Not obtuse advice, THIS!


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, get off the meds.
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Not a surprise here but I disagree with u. Do u have long term issues with anxiety and depression? I do. If I just went off my meds I would be stuck in my house, not even able to go to the grocery store and I would be miserable. Trust me when I say my husband freaks out if I even miss any of my meds one day. Lord knows what this guy would go through if he just went off meds. People with these issues are on meds for a reason. It helps them feel better. Meds don't make my personality disappear, they make me have to ability to smile, laugh, leave the house and have my personality come through. 
OP don't just ditch the meds. Obviously u and ur dr. Felt them necessary for a reason. This may very well make u feel so much worse. This poster has no clue what they r talking about obviously. SunCMars do I have medical/psychological education I'm unaware of? If not, don't give advice about subjects u aren't versed in. If u do, go back to school, because that was the worst advice I have ever seen.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

> I feel lost without my family, i was ok until we finalized everything Tuesday, now im back on the ground like when she first left. I know i should be moving on but i don't want to, i want my old life back but it gone, shes a different person and i get very limited time with my kids.


Really sorry that you are at this point in your life. I will never forget the day that my ex left with the kids, what a miserable feeling. But I can say that with time, you will start to feel better and things will start to look up again. I recommend that you find a good counselor to help you with this time. I also went to some of the divorce support groups, it was nice to be with a group of people that understood where I was in life.




> I feel shorted on visitation with only every 1 3 5 weekend this summer and next school year. Have to pay $1700 child support. She took my life and got payed for it. I had a great lawer but my large assets made my lawer leary of trial. My lawer and my family say i did the right thing but it feels wrong.


I hate to say this, but you got played by both your ex and your lawyer. Not sure how great he/she was if they talked you into settling for less than 50% of time with the kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

coastalbend said:


> Just wanted to add she trying to keep my time with the kids to a minimum, in her mind im a terrible father and shes done nothing wrong. Has been taking my kids out with her boyfriend. Her boyfriends teenage son was watching my kids while we were at mediation.


Follow what is decreed in your settlement re: time with the kids. If she tries to short you, pay your lawyer to send her a legal notice warning her of future issues if she does it again. Nip this in the bud NOW.

Aside from that, you are going through the Stages of Grief. What you had was never all that great, I'd surmise. It seemed like it cos you were in it. But now you're not. Grieve over it and come to acceptance, and move on. As you do this, whatever she's doing with her time, who she's with, will come to not matter one iota.

Best thing yet, you have a great opportunity to help your kids learn what a happy, healthy family unit looks like. As they get older, they're going to start craving time at your place because it is healthy, normal, loving, nonjudgmental, and nurturing. That's the best gift you can give them. 

Also as time goes on, your 'new' normal will become more and more enjoyable. In the meantime, fill your life with great stuff. Go camping, fishing, build a deck or a canoe, join a sports team, call up your old guy friends and start hanging out with them again, take a class in something you've always wanted to learn, VOLUNTEER...

It's all in the attitude, bro...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Not a surprise here but I disagree with u. Do u have long term issues with anxiety and depression? I do. If I just went off my meds I would be stuck in my house, not even able to go to the grocery store and I would be miserable. Trust me when I say my husband freaks out if I even miss any of my meds one day. Lord knows what this guy would go through if he just went off meds. People with these issues are on meds for a reason. It helps them feel better. Meds don't make my personality disappear, they make me have to ability to smile, laugh, leave the house and have my personality come through.
> OP don't just ditch the meds. Obviously u and ur dr. Felt them necessary for a reason. This may very well make u feel so much worse. This poster has no clue what they r talking about obviously. SunCMars do I have medical/psychological education I'm unaware of? If not, don't give advice about subjects u aren't versed in. If u do, go back to school, because that was the worst advice I have ever seen.
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> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I cannot argue with this.

In your case, your husband loves you, meds and all. You are lucky, OP is not.

In this posters case, she dumped him. He needs some sort of solution for his next partner. Obviously, you cannot just quit these pills, cold turkey. It could make you suicidal. I am no doctor. I hate anything that turns a person into a blob. In men, it often turns off their sex drive. Now he has an unsatisfied wife on his hands.

If a person needs to take their pills to survive than so be it. Poor them.
I personally refuse to be subdued by chemicals.

I wish you the best in life.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> I cannot argue with this.
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I'm glad u don't have to rely on meds. It's a blessing. I'm not subdued my chemicals tho, they do the opposite. I am me again, I am a wife, a mother, and a friend again because of them. Yes, it is true that some antidepressants can lower sex drive, but that's only some. I know plenty of people on these that have a normal to even high sex drive, and vibrant personalities. If a person has no sex drive and they are "flat" as u say, it's the wrong drug for them. Time for a switch. I don't say poor me, I say thank god I have them and they work! I have to take meds for my thyroid, but I don't feel sorry for myself either, thank god they have those meds. I don't see a difference between the two. As for cold turkey, no that's highly dangerous u r right. But maybe if this person is feeling the current meds are taking some part of them away, a change is in order, not getting off meds. That can lead to disaster, it did with me.


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## coastalbend (Jun 1, 2017)

Thnaks for the support. My boys do enjoy our time. Im in texas and the 50/50 is not legal code, has to be agreed by both parties. She didn't want me to ever have them over night. I know i need to move on, real hard for me. I have an excellent friend /family support system, just feeling like I'm wearing tthem out. Figured id work on strangers for awhile. 

As far as the meds im not a flat no personally person. They keep me in a good place, i can smile and sleep when im not down over this. Others i have talked to about this condition agree that u don't know why u feel depressed or anxiety, it just there. I know why i feel depressed now.me and my boys fish, hunt, and work on our farm. I just miss seeing them everyday. Im working on getting past this but all these feelings came back up when we finalized the deal. I am seeing a counselor. Mornings are hard not hearing them talk whipe i make breakfast.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What exactly is your custody arrangement?


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## coastalbend (Jun 1, 2017)

For this first summer, every 1,3,5 weekends from Friday at 6 to Sunday at 6. When school starts, every Thursday after school to Friday morning at school, then every 1,3,5 weekend till Sunday at 6. My lawer thought this was a good compromise for now. If i leave it as it is next year i have 30 days in the summer in one block or 2 weeks at a time. Working for as much as i can, its not too good in tx for fathers with exs that dont want u in the kids life


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So she DOES let them stay over at your house?

Did you read the link about grief I posted?


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## coastalbend (Jun 1, 2017)

Now she has too. When she left i didn't know where they were. Had to take her to court to get orders about visits and location. She left on a Thursday and i had her in court on Tuesday. She is an overprotective mother who doesn't ever think the kids are happy unless they are with her. Most arguments were about me in forcing her directions to the kids about every day things. She would consistently run me down in front of them, saying i was "mean". My oldest got tired of this and began standing up for me when we would argue. That probably pushed her over the edge.

i didn't read your link yet. Im out in the country and internet is slow, posting these takes 5-10mins. I hope im in the last stage of hurting, it feels permanent now and that scares me. Shes did this 5 years ago and promised never to do it again. I know now she is a liar and a cheat. My heart is broken and so am i.

i read your link, thanks. My counselor has spoken of this. She pointed me to this site.

im not sure if im depressed from the reality of this or what. Im just real down. Was ok for the last month or so, now its back.

my house is where they grew up, she bought a house 3mins from mine in same neighborhood. Her bf lives in our neighborhood as well.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Your heart may be broken, but YOU are not. This will pass. 

*hugs*

ETA: that was a big boobie squishy hug 


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## coastalbend (Jun 1, 2017)

Thanks for all the kind words and positive remarks. Feeling better tonight. Hopefully will continue.


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## coastalbend (Jun 1, 2017)

As i expected this morning is not as good as last night but better than yesterday morning. Also i get to see my boys this weekend so that helps. It sounds silly to hear me think this but im nervous to have them because I've been feeling so down. Im sure i will be fine just don't want them to see me fall apart. I am fearing Monday morning when i don't have them anymore but trying to do this one day or one hr at a time. Getting better with accepting my custody deal for one year is the best i could do for now.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

coastalbend said:


> As i expected this morning is not as good as last night but better than yesterday morning. Also i get to see my boys this weekend so that helps. It sounds silly to hear me think this but im nervous to have them because I've been feeling so down. Im sure i will be fine just don't want them to see me fall apart. I am fearing Monday morning when i don't have them anymore but trying to do this one day or one hr at a time. Getting better with accepting my custody deal for one year is the best i could do for now.




I have gone through a custody battle myself. We have 50/50 but he is a real POS and they never want to be with him. Whenever they r not here I hate the quiet. I hate not tucking my little man in for the night with his penguie and his turdie taking off his glasses and kissing his little forehead. I distract myself. My DH helps me with this as well. We keep busy and distracted while they r with him, but I still have my bad days where I just want to hold them. My eldest is old enough to choose where she lives but doesn't want to leave her siblings behind with the two nut jobs. She's a wonderful mature kid. I can't wait for the day when I get full custody, I want to do it now but it's so much on the kids that I waiver back and forth on what's worse, leaving it like it is or putting them through family court. I know the lows u feel. I cry, my husband holds me and tries to make me feel better. It ****ing sucks and I can't wait for it to end and they r with me. U aren't alone, there r others out here going through this too. Try and stay busy, distract yourself as much as U can. It's not easy but it can help.


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## KayakGuy (Jun 7, 2017)

C3156 said:


> Really sorry that you are at this point in your life. I will never forget the day that my ex left with the kids, what a miserable feeling. But I can say that with time, you will start to feel better and things will start to look up again. I recommend that you find a good counselor to help you with this time. I also went to some of the divorce support groups, it was nice to be with a group of people that understood where I was in life.
> 
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I'm also in Texas. You didn't get played, without a mutual agreement, you will not get any better than an extended Standard Possesion Order (SPO) which is what you have. The standard is only the 1, 3, 5 weekends and the 30 days in the summer (and split the holidays). Perhaps if you play your cards right, you may be able to get custody . There is a path towards that but it is very difficult and if all is equal between you two, the woman will generally get the advantage especially with young kids. When they are old enough to choose, you may have different circumstances, but sounds like you will be dealing with some parental alienation at that time (i have some experience with that as well).

IMO this is why you get married to have a bond that is harder to break. That being said, being married didn't work for me, i am about to finalize a divorce and have the same issues of reduction of time with the kids. unfortunately, as a non-custodial parent, we are stuck with what you have unless both parties agree to have more. 

I am still hoping for a reconciliation with this divorce, but until then i just try to busy myself with all the tasks and other things that i set aside to be with the kids. I also joined a divorce support group, but that isn't working as well as i had hoped with all the women in there harping on how they just wanted out because they didn't have their Disney happily ever after marriage. Still, it does help as does helping the other guy in the class by passing on some of my experiences.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Being married may be more difficult to break... but it's way more difficult FINANCIALLY to break.

Care for your kids - the hell with her.


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