# Separated, trying to reconcile, wife is seeing someone



## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

My wife and I separated 3 months ago. It was a trial separation for us to work on ourselves individually and sort out some problems before working on getting back together.

She lost the plot within hours of us separating, got very hostile to me, registered on a dating site within 24 hours (after 17 years of marriage) and dating actively, started spending money she didn't have, upsetting the kids, lying to everyone, generally acting out.

Yesterday I firmly but gently emailed her approach to me was unacceptable. I was expecting a hostile reaction. To my surprise she replied saying I was right and she sincerely apologised. In the last 24 hours we've had some civil discussions,logistics, kids, etc, and one actually bordering on friendly. She is still angry with me about various marriage stuff (I didn't do anything horrible, no beating etc, but did neglect her in various ways) but getting over it. 

I still want to reconcile, she is not saying it directly, but making it clear she doesn't. I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend, I don't know anything about him, if he's a decent guy, a loser, etc. I know some of the guys she dated were losers but don't know who this is.

I can finally kind of talk to her after yesterday, although I still need to be very careful. She *really* doesn't like me doing nice things for her as she doesn't want to soften to me. She's making moves to separate our finances, etc, although suspect she won't get very far, she's disorganised with such things. 

So what would you do in my shoes?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Start the 180.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. 

Focus on you. What you have control over. Forget the past. Accept it and move onto the future.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Follow the link to the 180 below.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Isn't the 180 mainly aimed at people still living together?

I know lots of people here talk about the 180. Why is it so great? Yeah, there is some good stuff in there, working on yourself (already doing that), etc.

We are separated and officially I don't know that she has a boyfriend. 

Eg
"Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! "
She doesn't tell me how she feels.

"When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! "
Not applicable

She has pretty much checked out, and physically separate, and making moves toward divorce (law here is 12 months separation before divorce so no rush). How is, essentially, ignoring her going to help?

I'm not saying the 180 is wrong, but I don't get it.


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## Table41 (Mar 15, 2012)

We have a lot in common. I have been trying the 180 the last month and doesn't seem to bother her at all. As we are separated, I moved out to giver her space ( dumb move on my part), ignoring her seems to be exactly what she wants. I'll keep it going, but I'm not sure it's working on her. Although, I'm now in the best shape of my life, lost a few ponds and go to church religiously as never before. The working on me parts pretty good. As most of my friends were through my wife, I'm struggling to find male friendship which kind of sucks. Yet she parties all the time it seems. 

Anyway, sorry your going through this too.

Take care!


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Hi Table41. Sounds virtually identical to me. I can see the 180 can work in some ways, but in this context, I'm not sure it applies, not completely.

The working on yourself bits, absolutely 100%. The others, I dunno.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Table41 said:


> We have a lot in common. I have been trying the 180 the last month and doesn't seem to bother her at all. As we are separated, I moved out to giver her space ( dumb move on my part), ignoring her seems to be exactly what she wants. I'll keep it going, but I'm not sure it's working on her. Although, I'm now in the best shape of my life, lost a few ponds and go to church religiously as never before. The working on me parts pretty good. *As most of my friends were through my wife, I'm struggling to find male friendship which kind of sucks*. Yet she parties all the time it seems.
> 
> Anyway, sorry your going through this too.
> 
> Take care!


Same here with the friends bit.

The premise behind 180 was to do the opposite of what comes natural, or what you would do in the past. I think it's more to get the focus back on you and what you can change rather than trying to change someone else.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Let her go.

She's got issues she's working out. You pursuing or pleading will not make her want to be with you. She may decide she wants to be with you one day, but you can't just sit around waiting. When you get sick of waiting, file for divorce.

You have to live life for you right now.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Find out if she's seeing someone. If she is, shop her. No reason to try at that point. If she came back, she'd essentially be saying "You're my backup." Don't do that to yourself. She was your wife. She was your one and only. Never did you put her in the position of backup, so you don't deserve that either.
If she's not seeing someone, explore the possibility of reconciling.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

moxy said:


> Let her go.
> 
> She's got issues she's working out. You pursuing or pleading will not make her want to be with you. She may decide she wants to be with you one day, but you can't just sit around waiting. When you get sick of waiting, file for divorce.
> 
> You have to live life for you right now.


I think you are right. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

I need to give her some space. Some of the 180 doesn't apply to me. But the spirit does. Leave her alone. I have been working on making myself better, and have made huge leaps and bounds.

One of the challenges is that because we are separated we see very little of each other. Basically a few minutes twice a week for the kids transfer and that's about it. 

So I could become the best, most desirable man in the world, and she might not even notice. But I guess there's not much I can do about that. 

So, I am going to back right off. Not ignore her. Just make her a second or third priority in my life. Try my hardest to avoid initiating contact. Be nice when I have the opportunity to, but only when it presents itself in response to an action of hers.

Any suggestions from experienced 180ers, especially with a separated spouse you barely see, is welcome!


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## SockMonkey (Feb 18, 2010)

It does sound to me like she is acting out, the dating site is probably all just part of it, so are any of her dates/boyfriend. The grass seems greener...

My advice would be to protect your financial stuff, if you suspect she might be up to something. If she's angry with you or feels hurt she might not be using best judgement on that sort of thing.

If you really want her back, you just keep trying. And let her know you're wanting to change whatever was the issue before. 

Sorry she is treating you so poorly, I hope things improve for you very soon.


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

Thanks SockMonkey. It sucks pretty badly. She is totally acting out. Seen more evidence of this since the last post. She is running on pure emotions/anger at the moment, the rational part of her brain is totally disengaged. 

I guess I just have to wait a while for her to calm down and, hopefully, get some sense. The tricky part is how long is "a while".

I did screw up a lot in the relationship (as did she), I am REALLY working on getting my stuff together. It would be sad for her to pay the emotional price for my education, but not get the benefits of the new improved me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

desperateguy said:


> Thanks SockMonkey. It sucks pretty badly. She is totally acting out. Seen more evidence of this since the last post. She is running on pure emotions/anger at the moment, the rational part of her brain is totally disengaged.
> 
> I guess I just have to wait a while for her to calm down and, hopefully, get some sense. The tricky part is how long is "a while".
> 
> I did screw up a lot in the relationship (as did she), I am REALLY working on getting my stuff together. It would be sad for her to pay the emotional price for my education, but not get the benefits of the new improved me.


That last part is not your problem.

It's hers.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The 180 is to get YOU in a better place to move on, with or without her. It might have and effect on your spouse, but I wouldn't count on it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desperateguy (Mar 8, 2012)

I thought the 180 was intended to do both?

I am getting in a better place. But it's still very hard. And I do still want her (even if that might be stupid).


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

It may. 

It is very hard. This whole deal is.

Ugh


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

desperateguy said:


> I thought the 180 was intended to do both?
> 
> I am getting in a better place. But it's still very hard. And I do still want her (even if that might be stupid).


The 180 is the right thing for YOU.

Until you start thinking about what's right for you - instead of what she may or may not be doing - you will seem like a weak needy doormat.

How she responds to the confident decisive masculine husband she left is entirely up to her.

You cannot control her emotions anyway, why try?

Just be the best you possible.


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## manwithoutwife (May 27, 2012)

It is very hard. I am in a similar situation. She leaves our baby with me and immediately calls him. I know about him because he called her when I was with her and then I asked. She was sincere and told me she was dating this guy.
In the mornings when she is coming to pick him up she calls and says stuff like "once I get to my place ..." Then I learn she slept with him last night. I do not know anything about him despite he passes time with my son (a baby).
Of course I have no choice but getting divorced.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

manwithoutwife said:


> It is very hard. I am in a similar situation. She leaves our baby with me and immediately calls him. I know about him because he called her when I was with her and then I asked. She was sincere and told me she was dating this guy.
> In the mornings when she is coming to pick him up she calls and says stuff like "once I get to my place ..." Then I learn she slept with him last night. I do not know anything about him despite he passes time with my son (a baby).
> Of course I have no choice but getting divorced.


Stay as detached as possible.

Don't dwell on it.

She's broken emotionally and likely blames it all on you.

That's what they do.


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