# Husband won't change churches



## littledeer

My husband and I have attended the same church most of our adult lives. I am unhappy at our church and want to go somewhere else. 

My husband used to tell me that things would improve if I would just reach out to more people, get involved in ministry, etc.. I've make a sincere effort to do those things for years, but I still dislike the church. 

My husband finally admitted to me about two years ago that he doesn't like the church either, but he's afraid to leave. He thinks we can't leave because the church isn't teaching heresy or doing anything unbiblical, so we are not justified in leaving. By the way, this isn't a cult, just a small evangelical church. It's not like they would hunt us down or threaten us if we left.

This is the real kicker. My kids are starting to complain about the church and often don't want to go. Our church has been shrinking and there isn't much of a children's ministry. I've tried really hard to be supportive of our church, but I must admit that I think my attitude is rubbing off on my kids.

I'm a stay-at-home mom and we have one car (which my husband drives to work), so I have little social life outside of the church community. I've explained this to my husband and he says he sympathizes, but still the situation never changes. I really think we'd all be happier if we found a new church community.

Short of stealing the car on Sunday morning and taking off without my husband, what do I do?

J'Mae


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## marksaysay

That's a tough one. I don't have much in the way of suggestions other than sitting down with your husband and doing the pros verses cons list together. What are the benefits of staying and the benefits of leaving, etc. It seems as though you've already voiced you're displeasure with the way things are there. It doesn't seem like the best environment fir you or your children. 

On another note, this seems to have brought to light something even more important for your relationship, the inability to resolve conflict. I'm curious as to how you have historically handled situations like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug

Do you know anyone at one of the other churches you would like to attend? If so, ask for a ride. Also, some churches do provide "rides". Otherwise is walking an option? Public transportation? I think if all else fails I would just stay at home a few Sundays with the kids. Although not a great way to resolve conflict, perhaps your husband would start listening to you and your children.....and consider what the majority is trying to tell him.


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## littledeer

marksaysay said:


> On another note, this seems to have brought to light something even more important for your relationship, the inability to resolve conflict. I'm curious as to how you have historically handled situations like this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You bring up a good point. I'm so focused on this one issue that I've missed the forest for the trees. Now that I think about it, this isn't the only long-term unresolved conflict in our relationship.

I tell my husband about things I would like to change, he tells me he has to think about it, nothing changes, and I feel like I should learn to be content. I don't like to gripe about my husband to others, so I stuff it and move on. We definitely have a pattern going.

If I have to complain about my marriage anonymously on a public forum, I must have a problem that really bothers me. I'm beginning to think that marriage counseling may be in order...

J'Mae


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## marksaysay

A book that would at least get you started in the right direction would be "His Needs, Her Needs". It drastically changed my understanding of the differences between men and women as well as my understanding of what it takes to have a fulfilling relationship. I would highly suggest that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure

He can leave because he is a grown man, and he wants to. He doesn't have to justify it with anyone.

What do you do? 
Refuse to go. It's your right. Why go ,and be miserable. You aren't learning anything.


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## Cara

Church is supposed to be a place you_ want_ to go, why are you staying in this lousy one???

If nobody in your family is happy there it is *way* past time to leave. You said yourself the congragation is dwindling, there's a reason for that!  Other people are not having their spiritual needs met there, either. Unless you & your husband are heavily involved in the church council & have some sway over the path the church is taking, I really don't think there is anything you can do but find a better church.

I believe if you don't your children may grow up feeling church is a "chore", not something they will look forward to like they should. This could easily lead them to not attending church once they are not living under your rules. If that happens, who knows where they may end up.

Church should be a joy, a special treat on Sunday morning that the whole family looks forward to. There are millions of churches out there, just investigate until you find one that fits your values & has the spirit of Jesus running through it's congrigants. You'll _know_ it when you see it so don't get discouraged. It took me over a year to find the church that is the absolute perfect fit for for my family. I doubt your search will take as long, but even if it does, it is sooo worth it to worship in a place that feels like home.

Please don't feel guilty or ashamed for leaving a church that is no longer a good fit for your family. This happens to many, many people & is no reflection on you as a Christian. After all, God doesn't care _which_ church you go to so long as you show up!


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## weR2

I look at spirituality as a personal search, following a path to a somewhat predetermined goal. Much like those early settlers that went to the West. Some followed the Oregon Trail, others the Santa Fe Trail, etc. Each group had their own wagonmaster that they followed, convinced that that wagonmaster would get them to where they were going safely. Some were good and some not so good. The people in the wagon train were not obligated to follow the train, they were afraid to leave because of the unknown. Little did they know, many of the wagonmasters did not really know either, but seemed to have confidence.

No two people in the world interpret spirituality exactly the same. AND, if you are uncomfortable with the church that you are attending, then that could be detrimental to your children's future "acceptance" of what you are attempting to expose them to. It would be negative, counterproductive. But, it could encourage them to find their own personal path without the help of a preacher, in the future, by listening to their "heart".

If you all have doubt about the church, then ask yourself, "Could it be God telling me something?" Have you ever wondered how God communicates with you? I say that as long as you are headed in the right "direction", you are most likely on the right path. To this day, I have never met anybody that I would consider is on the wrong path, regardless of denomination.


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## littledeer

We have made some progress this week. I have signed my kids up for VBS at a church that I'm interested in attending. My husband has agreed to visit a couple of churches this summer. We talked about this last summer and it never happened, so I'm hoping it will happen this time since he was the one to bring up the subject. 

It is past time to leave. I believe we have done everything possible to make our current church work for us. However, it's been difficult to convince my husband to make the final break.

Thanks for the responses!


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## Parrothead

weR2 said:


> I look at spirituality as a personal search, following a path to a somewhat predetermined goal. Much like those early settlers that went to the West. Some followed the Oregon Trail, others the Santa Fe Trail, etc. Each group had their own wagonmaster that they followed, convinced that that wagonmaster would get them to where they were going safely. Some were good and some not so good. The people in the wagon train were not obligated to follow the train, they were afraid to leave because of the unknown. Little did they know, many of the wagonmasters did not really know either, but seemed to have confidence.
> 
> No two people in the world interpret spirituality exactly the same. AND, if you are uncomfortable with the church that you are attending, then that could be detrimental to your children's future "acceptance" of what you are attempting to expose them to. It would be negative, counterproductive. But, it could encourage them to find their own personal path without the help of a preacher, in the future, by listening to their "heart".
> 
> If you all have doubt about the church, then ask yourself, "Could it be God telling me something?" Have you ever wondered how God communicates with you? I say that as long as you are headed in the right "direction", you are most likely on the right path. To this day, I have never met anybody that I would consider is on the wrong path, regardless of denomination.


If "spirituality" means following the leading of the Holy Spirit of God, (which is supposed to be a part of the Christianity I am familiar with) then only one "interpretation" is correct. 

On the other hand, if "spirituality" is a meaningless, nebulous word that no two people can agree on, then the voice you are hearing in your head is probably not God's. More than likely it is your own voice. A lot of people made it to California in your wagon train analogy, but there were also some Donner parties...

That said, there are reasons to leave a church. God gave us a brain for a reason. Listening to your feelings is what gets most of us into the trouble we are in. 

I would caution the OP to give some thought to what is making her unhappy at this church, lest the next church make her even more unhappy. Church is like a lot of other things (including marriage!) in that you mostly get out of it what you put into it. I went to church for the wrong reasons for years - to meet friends, to be entertained, to be seen, until I realized that church is for what we go there to do - worship God - and all the rest comes from that. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your mind, and all of your spirit, and you will find that you love your neighbor as yourself.


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## weR2

Parrothead said:


> If "spirituality" means following the leading of the Holy Spirit of God, (which is supposed to be a part of the Christianity I am familiar with) then only one "interpretation" is correct.
> 
> On the other hand, if "spirituality" is a meaningless, nebulous word that no two people can agree on, then the voice you are hearing in your head is probably not God's. More than likely it is your own voice. A lot of people made it to California in your wagon train analogy, but there were also some Donner parties...
> 
> That said, there are reasons to leave a church. God gave us a brain for a reason. Listening to your feelings is what gets most of us into the trouble we are in.
> 
> I would caution the OP to give some thought to what is making her unhappy at this church, lest the next church make her even more unhappy. Church is like a lot of other things (including marriage!) in that you mostly get out of it what you put into it. I went to church for the wrong reasons for years - to meet friends, to be entertained, to be seen, until I realized that church is for what we go there to do - worship God - and all the rest comes from that. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your mind, and all of your spirit, and you will find that you love your neighbor as yourself.


I was raised strict Catholic, attended Catholic elementary, altar boy for 6yrs, high school at different Christian schools including non-denominational and Baptist, close relatives that studied to priests, relatives that are nuns of different orders, relatives that are pastors of various Christian denominations. What they all have in common is, that at gatherings they will not talk about their beliefs because it always turns into a heyday. They each have different thoughts on it, as we all do.

When I refer to spirituality, I do not intend to directly refer to the Holy Spirit, but rather make reference to "spirit-consciousness" (the acknowledgement that there is a Supreme Being). I make this reference because each has their own interpretation of the Supreme Being, relative to the way they were raised. Many sorta consider God (the Supreme Being) to be an old man that sits on a throne and poofs havoc and mayhem, all the while, creating problems for the mortals to go through some sort of test, or problem-solving feat. I do not perceive Him that way!!

I have challenged many to find two people that interpret spirituality equally, equally in every aspect. In over 50 years I have not found those two people. But then logically, how can any human understand spirituality since we are material beings? We do try to understand, however, in preparation for "life" after death. AND YES, there are the Donner parties that erred , remember the parable of "Sowing the Seed". Some seed will land on rock, some seed........ Remember? It seems difficult to "understand" when God speaks to us, everyone interprets it differently. Do we think of it in our brain? Or do we think from the heart (soul)?

FOR ME PERSONALLY, not trying to speak for you or anyone else, I found that my physical mind has been "clouded" by ideals and thoughts implanted in there by society, propaganda, and various religious sects that I have been exposed to throughout my life. Many years ago I could not understand, if the particular religion is so perfect, why are there so many different sects and beliefs? It made me think of what Christ said, "A house divided amongst itself cannot stand." Catholics against Baptist, against Pentecostal, etc etc etc. I suppose that we each find that "church" that we feel comfortable with, that we can relate to as I our brain or heart feel???

For me personally, I attempt to "worship" God all the time, I mean 24 hours a day, not just on Sundays. I do this by "following" Him, "following" the parables left behind by Jesus Christ. And as I do that, I find myself doing more for others. I guess that you could say that that is why I am here on this forum, I am a happily married person. I am not seeking advise, I am trying to share countless life experiences.


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## littledeer

Parrothead said:


> I would caution the OP to give some thought to what is making her unhappy at this church, lest the next church make her even more unhappy. Church is like a lot of other things (including marriage!) in that you mostly get out of it what you put into it. I went to church for the wrong reasons for years - to meet friends, to be entertained, to be seen, until I realized that church is for what we go there to do - worship God - and all the rest comes from that. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your mind, and all of your spirit, and you will find that you love your neighbor as yourself.


I understand what you are saying, but this is the type of thinking that has my husband and I at odds over this situation. He thinks we should continue to wait and see if things get better or maybe there's something wrong with us that is causing the problem (though he can't tell me what it is). My husband worries that we won't find another church that we like, that maybe we will find ourselves in the same situation again, or that we don't have grounds to leave in the first place.

We have been at this church for over 25 years. There have been good times and bad times. We have tried to serve God and the church faithfully to the best of our ability. However, we have a difference in values with the current leadership and we no longer feel like we fit in. 

How long do you endure, hoping that God may be teaching you something through this?


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## weR2

littledeer said:


> I understand what you are saying, but this is the type of thinking that has my husband and I at odds over this situation. He thinks we should continue to wait and see if things get better or maybe there's something wrong with us that is causing the problem (though he can't tell me what it is). My husband worries that we won't find another church that we like, that maybe we will find ourselves in the same situation again, or that we don't have grounds to leave in the first place.
> 
> We have been at this church for over 25 years. There have been good times and bad times. We have tried to serve God and the church faithfully to the best of our ability. However, we have a difference in values with the current leadership and we no longer feel like we fit in.
> 
> How long do you endure, hoping that God may be teaching you something through this?


You have been there 25yrs, you have prayed for guidance, you have been good parishioners, you pray to God for guidance, you begin to have a difference in values with the current leadership, you pray to God some more for guidance, now you no longer fit in, you pray for God to guide you even more. 

Maybe you can listen to HIM, seems to me that He is trying to tell you. How long should you make your soul suffer? That is entirely up to you, your free will, your choice. I think that if you decide that you need to endure more, God will still try to guide you all the way! May be that He wants you to change the leadership?


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## madimoff

Can I stick in my agno-atheistic 0.02? 

Just ignore the spiritual aspect if you can, for a moment. You aren't happy doing something. Your children aren't much enjoying it either. Why continue? 
If your husband chooses to continue that is, as it should be, his choice. Indeed none of you should feel put out if a slight difference in view on where (if) to go to church means you strike out in different directions. If there are churches you are interested in trying out within reasonable travel distance, you and the kids get on bikes (not being flippant, I mean it) and go elsewhere. 
Give something else a shot and if it doesn't work for you, or you reach some mental peace about that actually your original church is the place to be and you just need to work harder at it, sobeit and if the members of the church are truly church people they'll welcome you back. If in the meanwhile your husband has chosen to stay at, or leave, the original church, that remains his choice.
You are not joined at the hip - neither you to your husband nor your kids to either of you. Simply that the subject under discussion involves faith should make no difference to that.


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## Parrothead

weR2 said:


> Many years ago I could not understand, if the particular religion is so perfect, why are there so many different sects and beliefs?


The short answer is that some "get it", many do not, and that is something Christ also spoke about:_ "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." _

I believe it was Ravi Zacharias who said that Jesus healed two men of blindness: one he used mud and the other he did not use mud, and he was surprised that there were not two Protestant denominations that resulted from this knowledge, the Mudites and the Non-Mudites. 

It's just the way things are. Christian spirituality is not lacking because people like to make up their own religions. With all that, though, I, being a pretty devout guy myself, can sit with congregants from a non-denominational community church, Baptists, Lutherans, and others, yet still share the same experiences with them because regardless of our worhip traditions we still understand each other, because we are the church. The denomination is not the church. 

That said, I think a congregation of true believers is good for a marriage in that they can lead you closer to God and each other, support you in the tough times, whatever they are. That's all.


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## Parrothead

littledeer said:


> However, we have a difference in values with the current leadership and we no longer feel like we fit in.


There you go, you just nailed your problem. I didn't get that from your first post.

I used to get all constipated worrying being where God wants me until I realized that God will put me where he wants me, one way or another. The way I have described it is that when you are going in the right direction, doors start flying open. 

Don't worry, God won't let you fall into the ditch.


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## weR2

Parrothead said:


> The short answer is that some "get it", many do not, and that is something Christ also spoke about:_ "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." _
> 
> I believe it was Ravi Zacharias who said that Jesus healed two men of blindness: one he used mud and the other he did not use mud, and he was surprised that there were not two Protestant denominations that resulted from this knowledge, the Mudites and the Non-Mudites.
> 
> It's just the way things are. Christian spirituality is not lacking because people like to make up their own religions. With all that, though, I, being a pretty devout guy myself, can sit with congregants from a non-denominational community church, Baptists, Lutherans, and others, yet still share the same experiences with them because regardless of our worhip traditions we still understand each other, because we are the church. The denomination is not the church.
> 
> That said, I think a congregation of true believers is good for a marriage in that they can lead you closer to God and each other, support you in the tough times, whatever they are. That's all.


I agree that the 'narrow gate' is harder to find, one must really pay attention to the herdsman. For most it seems hard to look for this 'narrow gate', so they just kinda follow everyone else down the 'broad road' and through the 'wide gate'. I notice that people feel more comfortable attending churches with large congregations. Could it be that they feel more confident, that because there are so many parishioners, they feel that by attending that church they will be in 'good hands'? (??the broad road and wide gate??)

The narrow gate is much harder to find, it requires searching, learning, understanding. That is why Jesus said, "Seek and ye shall find.", it is like a treasure hunt for us humans. I think that before a soul can truly go on this 'hunt', they must first have the true desire, and initiative to "leave no rock unturned".

Question: When you speak of all denominations as the church, does that include all denominations including Catholics, Jews, Islam, Muslim etc.? Because as I am certain, they all believe in God the Father. 

Yes I do agree that a congregation of true believers can "help" you, as any congregation (like the congregation of people here on this forum). But, I can tell you from experience, that they can also hinder your spirituality as well, especially when the congregation discovers that their pastor is taking money from the parishioners, or having an affair with women in the congregation.

I choose the narrow road in search of the narrow gate, and I find the road to be somewhat desolate, but extremely rewarding.


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## littledeer

madimoff said:


> If there are churches you are interested in trying out within reasonable travel distance, you and the kids get on bikes (not being flippant, I mean it) and go elsewhere.


I find your comment amusing because I have threatened to get on bikes and go to another church! I live within easy biking distance of three churches. I am very interested in one of them and I've registered my kids to attend VBS there.

I don't think I'm ready to ditch hubby yet. I think we need to work it out, but my father has also suggested that I take the kids and go somewhere else. That really surprised me since he's old school and thinks women need to follow their husband's lead.


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## cb45

quickly put, i.e. w/out alot of bantering/examples/etc:

parrot was hinting/saying as much as i would want to say here
as well; that is, u need to seriously have a checkup from the 
neckup with God on what HE wants u to do going forward.

move on, or move "up?" u digg? :scratchhead:

have u consulted with pastors, leadership, etc, about what
is troubling u or not? If not, u need to. u may be the spark
of change thats needed for the whole congregation.
(dont doubt this, God moves mightily in mini ways too)

If u've truly done all u can do, then methinks u'll follow 
Gods lead with the peace that follows "your" (ha ha) 
decision. IF u have no peace, then u know u r wrong.
(chances are)

but if u arent happy at yer church for say, reasons that
u are in denial of, or refusing to tackle, refuting, etc, then
i think u have a "work to do" at yer church, or rather (lol)
they have work to do with you.
(if u know what i mean)

too many times its easier for us to "see/feel/think" whats
wrong with others/our church/our hubbys/etc and not see
whats wrong on our end of the equation.

perhaps u've already entertained these things/thoughts/prayers
with God, perhaps not (enuff). selah.

don't feel too badly tho' cuz many a Christian, past, present & 
future are right where u are now, wondering/hoping/hurting/etc

just my 2 cents. if u n yer family are mature, u'll get what i am
saying/putting forth here. 

i think transparency is "KEY" here, for u and yer now church
family to deal with. i know i need it too with mine, to wit, 
that days a coming.


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## littledeer

Parrothead said:


> Don't worry, God won't let you fall into the ditch.


Thanks for the encouragement. I need to keep looking toward God to stay out of the ditch!


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## Parrothead

weR2 said:


> Question: When you speak of all denominations as the church, does that include all denominations including Catholics, Jews, Islam, Muslim etc.? Because as I am certain, they all believe in God the Father.


No, I am speaking of Christian "denominations", such as Catholics, Baptists, Lutherans, etc., mainly because the Christian church is the context for this conversation. 

However, all who will may come to God by the means he has prescribed.


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## cb45

Question: When you speak of all denominations as the church, does that include all denominations including Catholics, Jews, Islam, Muslim etc.? Because as I am certain, they all believe in God the Father.---wer2

surely u gest?:scratchhead:

i dont wanna go doctrinal but JESUS is Son of Man/Son of God, 
& Mashiach. Hmm, scratch nonbelieving jews from "the church";
Catholics have to clean up Pope as vicar on earth, Mary as 
someone to pray to, and ditto for real and made up "saints" 
that catholics "innocently" and guiltily USE for good/bad 
purposes (as in knowingly, u digg?); scratch them from TRUE
belief in God the Father for "mixture reasons" etc.
Islam=muslims last time i checked my reality and NO way are
they included in any definition of church as we know it in the
western world. they only know JESUS as a prophet; a "foot 
in the door" perhaps but not enuff to get u "pass-go". besides
their extremists would just as soon knife u for just looking like
any, i said any, kinda infidel (especially christian as goes 
back to crusader times, and hatred ignorance of who God 
really is......LOVE) all the while their non-extremists whom the media promote as "just like us" "look the other way".

at least u didnt say hindus, :lol: who have many (false)gods.

The Church is the Body of *JESUS Christ*. Granted its still not
working quite as powerful as it should be/will be, but it IS moving in the right direction, all thanks to ABBA, Jesus, and H>S> power and love over time defeating satan and sin, past
present & future (as we know/understand both, process & time) 

Puuuuhleeeez be more careful who u include as "church". for there is HIS creation and there is HIS "beloved" whom Jesus purchased with His own blood. It matters to HIM, Him, & H>S>
so it matters to me/us.

Hallelujah = Praise be to God !


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## Jennifer_DIN

Churches are there to serve YOUR spiritual needs - if this current church isn't doing anything for anyone in your family, change! It's not personal! 

It's kind of like changing music teachers - different teachers can have totally different styles that may or may not work for you - they're still teaching the same instrument and how to play it, they're all good teachers it's just that some will get the best out of you better than others. 

Recognise that - religion is to be enjoyed and it's supposed to inspire you to be a better person. If you're not being inspired, time for a change -)


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You need your own car. 

I'm a SAHM too, but with all the medical/dental appointments between the kids and I, we would never survive with only one car. We have one nicer one and one older one. The older one we bought brand new and paid it off 6 years ago. We've had it for 11-12 years. The newer one(mine) we bought off of Craigslist and it has a 120,000 mile extended warranty. We got a super deal and it was only a year old, which is now almost paid off! My husband drives the older one, which we only had to fix the breaks and change tires(twice) now. This gives me the freedom to bring the kids to their friends houses in the summer or pick them up from school. 

If you had a car, you could freely choose another church. I know what its like not being happy with a church. We are lucky and attend a very good and upbeat church. It's usually crowded, but so many people love it. They even have 4 services on Sunday, 1 service on Wed and Sat. The confirmation is split into two seperate sessions to accommodate all the children without over crowding. All 3 my girls look forward going to church!

It would be so nice if you had your own car. I know they are expensive, but worth it. Even finding a nice used car. Maybe you can talk your husband into trying a new church, just one service is all it takes. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stryker

Christ is not The Christ of Christianity, nor The Christ of "Church"

He is The Christ of God...His Church is The True People themselves...


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