# Need a third party perspective here



## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

Hello All,
This is my first time here. I never thought of myself as the type to seek the advice from others but then again I never thought I'd be in this situation either...
My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 3 and we have a beautiful little boy. I realize no marriage is perfect but before last week I would of described ours as pretty damn close. Our relationship is not just good but unusually great. I'm talking about reading each other's thoughts, mushy, and "awww how cute" inspiring. My wife is very affectionate always telling me how much she loves me and she can't see her life any other way than with me. We always talk about how we have truly found our soul mates. We bicker of course and we definitely have our moments but we communicate very well. Doesn't feel forced. We're friends and lovers and always have been since we met at age 19 and 20. Love life has always been awesome, as awesome as it could be with our little one running the house I should say. 

Now that i got that embarrassing stuff out of the way, Here's the situation. Last week we were all on a small family holiday and staying in a hotel. My wife was showing me some pictures of our son she took running a muck around the hotel room. As I looked I saw a Skype message appear from someone saying "lol sorry I got super drunk last night, what photos did you try to send?". Of course I got F-Ing pissed and when i asked her who it was she admitted it was some guy she met on some lame social networking app. I demanded answers and she was very honest (or so I think) saying it was just friends but that even so she should not have kept anything from me. The messages started with her saying good morning, prior to that all messages had been deleted. I messaged him asking who he was any why he was communicating with my wife. He quickly responded saying exactly what she said-that they met and just shared silly photos of stuff at work and dumb faces. He said they were just friends. I asked him straight out man to man if they were sharing photos of each other's genitals (I used much more graphic lingo) and he said no nothing like that. He said he saw her ring and was not about to start doing that stuff with someone who was married. At this point my wife was on her knees crying saying how stupid of her this was and begging for my forgiveness. I could see the hurt in her eyes which made me hurt even more than I already was. After that I pressed him even further telling him who I was and that he needs to come clean if there's anything I should know about that it's not his fault but hers. He said again that it was nothing like that and apologized. I asked that he stay away for good even if it was just friendly correspondence. The messages ended there and he apparently deleted her from his contacts. I went through the pictures of her camera roll and found the last picture she was trying to send him. It was her sticking her tongue out at him and although it was definitely flirty because she was in her night gown, nothing was exposed. That's the photo that did not make it through because of a connection issue. Since then my wife has cried to me everyday saying how pissed she is at herself for doing something so stupid and damaging us. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and can't hide the fact that I am upset and hurt. She is extremely remorseful and I can see the agony on her face, I know her like the back of my hand and I know it's genuine. I get about 100 text messages from her while we are at work saying how much she loves me and our family, that NOTHING has never happened in the past and that nothing ever will because she's so in love with me. She tells me how many times she has to leave her unit to go to the bathroom and cry. It's been a week since this happened and I still have not forgiven her, but I want to REALLY BAD. I am not perfect and although I have never cheated on her I have done some things I am not proud of on those "lame" social networking sites in the past too. I knew that about myself and was very ashamed. I guess I just never expected that from her. I sincerely believe and even know that she has never cheated on me. We spend almost every hour of every day together and even worked in the same building for six years until last year. The weird part is that our love like skyrocketed recently like we were 22 again! I just figured it was she was reading that 50 Shades series and I figured hey...win win! I am dreadfully in love with my wife and I know from our history, relationship and her recent remorse that the feeling is mutual. 

Am I overreacting? 

Please no hurtful comments about me or my wife. It's one thing to have an opinion but please try to be constructive about it. Thank you.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

No your not overreacting..

But are you sure this is the first time? And how long did this go on?

I would key logg the home computer,just in case..


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

First- do not down play how a woman can get emotionally involved with a man she has never met face to face. I have heard and seen marriages end over this exact situation. It seems you have caught it early which is a good thing.

For me, the whole "social network" deal is stupid. Why would you want to exchange personal information with someone you don't even know. Crazy.

OK to move forward you and your wife have to establish limits and boundaries. I would say no more social networking for either of you. That whole thing is a big landmine waiting to blow. 

Basically your wife was in the early stages of an emotional affair (assuming that you have the entire truth). You will eventually forgive her, but you were hurt by her actions and it will take some time to get over it.

My advice is that both of you stay away from on-line chats, networks, games, everything. Spend time together. Get to know each other again. Try to figure out why either of you feel the need to involve other people in your life like this.

You are definitely not over reacting - you just got a wake up call - use it wisely.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You've gotten solid advice in the first few posts, OP dont let this escalate into a 20 pager of you going back to finally listening and reading the first few posts.

Stay away from everything as TDSC60 said, no girls night out, no boys night out, no sleep overs, no luncheons with friends of the opposite sex, no drinking to drunkenness around other couples, no texting other men from work outside of work, no secret emails, and the list goes on

It is rare that wayward spouses act that way. Take it as a warning, and keep verifying. Waywards have been known to cry and beg and show agony and every time they are caught they shed a few more tears and a bit more rolling around on the ground for them to continue cake eating. Nip it in the bud.


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> No your not overreacting..
> 
> But are you sure this is the first time? And how long did this go on?
> 
> I would key logg the home computer,just in case..


I asked her to be completely honest with me and she swears up and down that this has NEVER happened and will never happen again. She has my passwords to everything and vice versa. She even went to confession.


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> You've gotten solid advice in the first few posts, OP dont let this escalate into a 20 pager of you going back to finally listening and reading the first few posts.
> 
> Stay away from everything as TDSC60 said, no girls night out, no boys night out, no sleep overs, no luncheons with friends of the opposite sex, no drinking to drunkenness around other couples, no texting other men from work outside of work, no secret emails, and the list goes on
> 
> It is rare that wayward spouses act that way. Take it as a warning, and keep verifying. Waywards have been known to cry and beg and show agony and every time they are caught they shed a few more tears and a bit more rolling around on the ground for them to continue cake eating. Nip it in the bud.


I hate the idea of living this trustless life. We don't go out anyway and when we do it's together or with family. A night out for us usually involves Netflix and a six pack. In twelve years this is the FIRST time we've experienced something like this.


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> First- do not down play how a woman can get emotionally involved with a man she has never met face to face. I have heard and seen marriages end over this exact situation. It seems you have caught it early which is a good thing.
> 
> For me, the whole "social network" deal is stupid. Why would you want to exchange personal information with someone you don't even know. Crazy.
> 
> ...


I completely agree that although the intentions were friendly this could have escalated to something where actual feelings were attached. She says she only communicated with him for 4 days. I know this will take time for me to rebuild my trust but I refuse to live life monitoring her every move. I shouldn't have to. and she shouldn't have to monitor me either. Also, am I wrong for seeking advise from complete strangers?? After all one could argue that this in itself is involving other people in our lives right? Sorry, I know I am a hot mess right now.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do not believe the 'skype friend's' intentions. He KNEW she was married and thought nothing of flirting with her. Yes the playful tongue pic was flirting. Where was this supposed to lead? 

On the other hand, your description of the marriage makes it sound like your wife was not street-smart enough to see where this could lead. And I'm almost certain that the skype friend had an ultimate goal. 

You mentioned that you don't want to be un-trusting, however you were nothing BUT trusting and the marriage, unbeknownst to you was on the verge of entering some troubled waters. So, be vigilant. At least for a while. Your wife seems to be sincere in her remorse but you must PROTECT your family through honest conversation about this almost-relationship - and oversight by you as the head of the household. 

my best wishes for a long and successful marriage.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

99OLEPACS said:


> Also, am I wrong for seeking advise from complete strangers??* After all one could argue that this in itself is involving other people in our lives right?* Sorry, I know I am a hot mess right now.


When someone here starts sending you flirty messages/pics drop the acct like a hot potato. 

BTW it takes some nerve to send a stranger your phone number. It's relatively easy to locate a general location if not an actual location if both cells have certain attributes. Same with skype - I wouldn't skype ANYONE I don't personally know - same for my wife - although she barely knows how to use her cell


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

99OLEPACS said:


> I asked her to be completely honest with me and she swears up and down that this has NEVER happened and will never happen again. She has my passwords to everything and vice versa. She even went to confession.


Here is a copy and paste from Cleanjerksnacth
*it is rare that wayward spouses act that way. Take it as a warning, and keep verifying. Waywards have been known to cry and beg and show agony and every time they are caught they shed a few more tears and a bit more rolling around on the ground for them to continue cake eating. Nip it in the bud.*

Pay really good attention to what he wrote..
Here is one good reason for it

"you wrote"
*She says she only communicated with him for 4 days.*

*The messages started with her saying good morning, prior to that all messages had been deleted.*

To many strange thing´s for my liking.Considering she only known him for 4 days.. Please. monitor. And also check her phone records. Hopefully it will revel nothing..


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Those darn social sites--- make it so easy to get carried away. The hardest part for us is _how fast_ they can escalate. Seems impossible that one could fall in love, share personal details and contemplate chucking their marriage for someone they've never met but they do. It's the most unusual type of EA because it's all built on dust. 

My WH had a online only EA and my BFF said, "that's like you falling in love with Homer Simpson and wanting to run away with him." I got a good laugh and it really highlighted the absurdity of the situation but it's no laughing matter when you realize how deeply it can wound your relationship. 

It's not the content that is important it's the willingness of her to cross over those boundaries and how addicting those feelings are when someone is feeding your ego.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Crap missed the part of that the also was Skyping..
that was quick consider it only went on for 4 days.

Damn it..It seem´s to be more to this


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> When someone here starts sending you flirty messages/pics drop the acct like a hot potato.
> 
> BTW it takes some nerve to send a stranger your phone number. It's relatively easy to locate a general location if not an actual location if both cells have certain attributes. Same with skype - I wouldn't skype ANYONE I don't personally know - same for my wife - although she barely knows how to use her cell


No phone numbers were exchanged thank goodness. And I meant involving other people in our lives for advise not for flirting. Unless this is all a big lie to get flirty pics?? Just kidding  thanks for your reply
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Just 4 days? And she exchanges flirty pictures with this man?
There could be more to this. 

WW spouses swear eve on their children to save their cheating a$$. They are known to be born-actors. 

Funny how she suddenly apologizes and realizes this was a mistake. Didn't she have 4 days time to figure it out? Why did she decide to hate herself and him ONLY after she was caught??

She's just sorry she got caught. The messages would still be going on if you hadn't come across the weird message on Skype that night.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I am not perfect and although I have never cheated on her I have done some things I am not proud of on those "lame" social networking sites in the past too. I knew that about myself and was very ashamed. I guess I just never expected that from her.


Did you confess those to your wife, or not?

It seems as if you hold your wife to higher standards of behaviour than you hold yourself. That's not good.

You might need to use couples counselling to discuss the issues you have raised with a neutral third party.


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi, yes I told her about that. I felt very guilty and nipped that behavior right away. I agree my double standard thinking is unfair and unrealistic. I told her that too. Before this our biggest issue was who has to bathe the baby after exhausting days at work. That's why this is so difficult. I made the mistakes in the past and learned from them. Shouldn't I give her the same chance? Can people make mistakes and learn from them? I gets that's the question. I don't plan on throwing away 12 years of deep roots for this. Our relationship is much more than I can explain in one thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

99OLEPACS said:


> Hi, yes I told her about that. I felt very guilty and nipped that behavior right away. I agree my double standard thinking is unfair and unrealistic. I told her that too. Before this our biggest issue was who has to bathe the baby after exhausting days at work. That's why this is so difficult. I made the mistakes in the past and learned from them. Shouldn't I give her the same chance? Can people make mistakes and learn from them? I gets that's the question. I don't plan on throwing away 12 years of deep roots for this. Our relationship is much more than I can explain in one thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you tell her about what you did before or after she did it?

I truly think couples counselling could help.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

99OLEPACS said:


> Hello All,
> This is my first time here. I never thought of myself as the type to seek the advice from others but then again I never thought I'd be in this situation either...
> My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 3 and we have a beautiful little boy. I realize no marriage is perfect but before last week I would of described ours as pretty damn close. Our relationship is not just good but unusually great. I'm talking about reading each other's thoughts, mushy, and "awww how cute" inspiring. My wife is very affectionate always telling me how much she loves me and she can't see her life any other way than with me. We always talk about how we have truly found our soul mates. We bicker of course and we definitely have our moments but we communicate very well. Doesn't feel forced. We're friends and lovers and always have been since we met at age 19 and 20. Love life has always been awesome, as awesome as it could be with our little one running the house I should say.
> 
> ...



YOU SEE 99olepacks, I'm 28 years old and until JUST recently I learned that men and women can't be friends! I mean WOMEN can be friends with men, but men always have another agenda!

EDIT - Nevermind, I just read she was sending pics of her in her nightgown. HIGHLY inappropriate. You are not wrong. I just put goofy facebook photos of ducklips are my profile picture, never sent anyone stuff like that! HELL no, that's borderline cheating. That was flirty! You have a right to be upset! She must want to feel sexy or appreciated I think?? Are you neglecting her a little lately? Maybe she misses the excitement?


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Did you tell her about what you did before or after she did it?
> 
> I truly think couples counselling could help.


After. Wrong I know. I know that counseling is super helpful for most couples but we both agree that we need to work it out ourselves. Although she is totally open for it. I plan on visiting my psychiatrist more often to work on myself. Ok this is going to sound really cheesy but I think true love transcends. If what we have is as special as I think it is then we will get through this and have an even stronger relationship. I know it sounds like I'm filling myself when I say this but I don't think she would ever have let it escalate to something deeply emotional or sexual. We strongly suspected her father was having an affair and she cried her eyes out for days about it so I have to believe that this was an isolated, stupid and childish mistake on her part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

If you did something to her, she mostly forgave but probably not all the way I'm betting and she'll never forget. When we feel we're that close, and something like that happens, it feels like a big fat lie. It might even have escalated for her and him. The nightgown pictures make me think SHE WANTED him to hit on her. Almost as if she was GIVING him an opportunity.


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

kipani said:


> YOU SEE 99olepacks, I'm 28 years old and until JUST recently I learned that men and women can't be friends! I mean WOMEN can be friends with men, but men always have another agenda!
> 
> EDIT - Nevermind, I just read she was sending pics of her in her nightgown. HIGHLY inappropriate. You are not wrong. I just put goofy facebook photos of ducklips are my profile picture, never sent anyone stuff like that! HELL no, that's borderline cheating. That was flirty! You have a right to be upset! She must want to feel sexy or appreciated I think?? Are you neglecting her a little lately? Maybe she misses the excitement?


Hi, yes that was one of my biggest issues was that darn picture. I told her how disturbing it was that not only was I asleep in the same room when the picture was taken but we had just made love. Just to clarify, her nightgown although v-cut is not lingerie by any means. I'm certainly not defending the action but I think the term "nightgown" conjures up images of something way more sexy.

Regarding your neglect and excitement question...I've thought about that too. I don't tell her how beautiful she is nearly enough but she is constantly telling me how handsome I am. That's why I know I need to work on myself. That much I know. I can't get too graphic but the s-e-x has been insane the last few weeks. Like I mentioned we've always had a good sex life but it got way more intense again lately so I know that's not the problem. I do have a very demanding job though, with 12 hour days being the norm and even weekends sometime. I don't think this is a good excuse though.


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

kipani said:


> If you did something to her, she mostly forgave but probably not all the way I'm betting and she'll never forget. When we feel we're that close, and something like that happens, it feels like a big fat lie. It might even have escalated for her and him. The nightgown pictures make me think SHE WANTED him to hit on her. Almost as if she was GIVING him an opportunity.


Believe me I have thought about all this. She's one of these "everything happens for a reason" people and she is confident that the picture did not go through because it was so gross. She is grossed out at herself and feels like it was a wake up call for her. As you can see we've talked about this in great detail. Communication has never been an issue. It doesn't help that i over analyze EVERY little detail driving myself crazy either. If she likes the attn fine, heck I like attn! I'm by no means look like Brad Pitt but I get my share of flirting and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. Looks like we're just human after all. It's the secretiveness that was so hurtful. I have friends at work that are girls in fact I go to lunch with one every day but my wife knows everything about that.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I would definitely heed what TDSC60 said, use this this wake up call to it's full advantage. Talk about boundaries for your marriage that apply to her AND YOU. You both need to discuss where these things go, how these things start, how to avoid them in future. The boundaries don't need to be stifling. You both sound very much in love. Keep it that way.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

99OLEPACS;1086560[B said:


> ]*Hi, yes that was one of my biggest issues was that darn picture. I told her how disturbing it was that not only was I asleep in the same room when the picture was taken but we had just made love*[/B]. Just to clarify, her nightgown although v-cut is not lingerie by any means. I'm certainly not defending the action but I think the term "nightgown" conjures up images of something way more sexy.
> 
> Regarding your neglect and excitement question...I've thought about that too. I don't tell her how beautiful she is nearly enough but she is constantly telling me how handsome I am. That's why I know I need to work on myself. That much I know. I can't get too graphic but the s-e-x has been insane the last few weeks. Like I mentioned we've always had a good sex life but it got way more intense again lately so I know that's not the problem. I do have a very demanding job though, with 12 hour days being the norm and even weekends sometime. I don't think this is a good excuse though.


To me that's disturbing.

Right after making love her thoughts should be about you, not some stranger.

Taking a semi-risque pic of herself says to me that what she had just gotten from you was not enough to emotionally satisfy her.

As the others say, trust but verify.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

99OLEPACS said:


> Hi, yes that was one of my biggest issues was that darn picture. I told her how disturbing it was that not only was I asleep in the same room when the picture was taken but we had just made love. Just to clarify, her nightgown although v-cut is not lingerie by any means. I'm certainly not defending the action but I think the term "nightgown" conjures up images of something way more sexy.
> 
> Regarding your neglect and excitement question...I've thought about that too. I don't tell her how beautiful she is nearly enough but she is constantly telling me how handsome I am. That's why I know I need to work on myself. That much I know. *I can't get too graphic but the s-e-x has been insane the last few weeks*. Like I mentioned we've always had a good sex life but it got way more intense again lately so I know that's not the problem. I do have a very demanding job though, with 12 hour days being the norm and even weekends sometime. I don't think this is a good excuse though.


hmmm. why has the sex escalated to 'insane' in the last few weeks? could be nothing. could be something. Anyway, forgive her but make sure she knows how much she hurt you, and let her know that you will be watching her like a hawk for a while.. just in case there is more to this. Even if you don't its good to make her think you are. Like others have said, this is a wake up call, now you know that she is just as human as you are. Not a bad thing to be aware of going forward. Good luck


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

jfv said:


> hmmm. why has the sex escalated to 'insane' in the last few weeks? could be nothing. could be something. Anyway, forgive her but make sure she knows how much she hurt you, and let her know that you will be watching her like a hawk for a while.. just in case there is more to this. Even if you don't its good to make her think you are. Like others have said, this is a wake up call, now you know that she is just as human as you are. Not a bad thing to be aware of going forward. Good luck


Yeah in retrospect I thought of that too. I guess I'd be concerned if it was the opposite and sex just stopped. Like I said she is very affectionate towards me. That hasn't changed. Even after I found out we still made time to...well...you get the idea. Thanks again for your response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

This was too close for comfort, disgusting. Take it as a warning for you and your wife. No more dang fb, no more skype buddies, disable/throw webcam out, its good that she back tracked and so did you. Remember that sometimes wayward spouses swear up and down on their children's lives etc etc and call even their children liars if even their children know/saw something. 

Be careful in the future, and keep investigating for a while. Keylog that computer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kipani said:


> YOU SEE 99olepacks, I'm 28 years old and until JUST recently I learned that men and women can't be friends! I mean WOMEN can be friends with men, but men always have another agenda!


That's not altogether true. I have female friends who I do not wish to have sex with.

However, I have been in the situation when it became clear that two female friends did have another agenda regarding myself. One led to an EA which nearly turned into a PA.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You should check out the thread: Wife and coworker
read posts 92/93 by decorum
VERY good info & advice

I think karma is in your corner - "lucking" out that the msg came through just when you were watching. I think all will be well. Forgiveness and mercy is something you can gift. But FIRST read the posts I've referenced.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did well in shutting things down fast and hard. Good job.

At his point I would cool down the attitude and treat her like the issue is closed and over.

Meanwhile, I would be monitoring and watching. Consider a keylogger on the computer to see just what she is doing, because she crossed a major boundary - and the skype guy - he was clearly hoping to get some!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That's not altogether true. I have female friends who I do not wish to have sex with.
> 
> However, I have been in the situation when it became clear that two female friends did have another agenda regarding myself. One led to an EA which nearly turned into a PA.


Its debatable but at a young age some men and some women, just want a fix. Sure there are occasions where a man and a woman can be friends and not be sexually interested in each other but why remain close friends to a point of speaking about certain things that should not be spoken to a person of the opposite sex while being MARRIED. Its UNNECESSARY.


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You did well in shutting things down fast and hard. Good job.
> 
> At his point I would cool down the attitude and treat her like the issue is closed and over.
> 
> Meanwhile, I would be monitoring and watching. Consider a keylogger on the computer to see just what she is doing, because she crossed a major boundary - and the skype guy - he was clearly hoping to get some!


I agree that that dude didn't want to just be "friends" I'm a guy so I know what was probably on his mind. Thanks for the advise.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

99OLEPACS said:


> I agree that that dude didn't want to just be "friends" I'm a guy so I know what was probably on his mind. Thanks for the advise.


Duh, you're not the only guy that will think your wife is hot sexy and attractive and will want some extra marital activities to go on with them and your wife unless you married the ugliest broad ever but then again there are plenty of desperate sickos out there....


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

99OLEPACS said:


> I sincerely believe and even know that she has never cheated on me. We spend almost every hour of every day together and even worked in the same building for six years until last year. *The weird part is that our love like skyrocketed recently like we were 22 again! *I just figured it was she was reading that 50 Shades series and I figured hey...win win! I am dreadfully in love with my wife and I know from our history, relationship and her recent remorse that the feeling is mutual.






99OLEPACS said:


> Regarding your neglect and excitement question...I've thought about that too. I don't tell her how beautiful she is nearly enough but she is constantly telling me how handsome I am. That's why I know I need to work on myself. That much I know. *I can't get too graphic but the s-e-x has been insane the last few weeks.* Like I mentioned we've always had a good sex life but it got way more intense again lately so I know that's not the problem. I do have a very demanding job though, with 12 hour days being the norm and even weekends sometime. I don't think this is a good excuse though.


So, quite likely that's when the contact and flirting with the other man started.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

50 shades of grey is trash. The literary content is trash, the writing is trash, the premise is trash, the topics are toxic, and should be disposed of in that manner as well. I don't need a book or any kama sutra to have insane sex , passionate sex with multiple male orgasms.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

99OLEPACS said:


> I agree that that dude didn't want to just be "friends" I'm a guy so I know what was probably on his mind. Thanks for the advise.


I may have missed this but what did your wife think he was after? In general how naive is she?

It's hard to believe that today some women don't get the idea that some men are after one thing only.

She crossed a line, did she realize at the time she was doing so?

If she did, what did she say was the reason?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

I still think you should proceed with caution.

Meet on stupid social app. Pic swapp, next Skype god morning talk
And the most disturbing trying to send a pic of her self right after
you two had naked time...And all this in 4 days..
For your sake I'm hoping its just me being paranoid.

But the level of how comfortable they was with each other.
seems highly unlikely in just 4 days of knowing each other...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

If it was just fun stupid stuff why did she delete the messages? It was more than that. However you caught it and shut it down. Monitor the computer for a while, check her phone records data and text usage.

If a person has nothing to hide, they usually don't hide things.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

99OLEPACS said:


> Hi, yes that was one of my biggest issues was that darn picture.* I told her how disturbing it was that not only was I asleep in the same room when the picture was taken but we had just made love.* Just to clarify, her nightgown although v-cut is not lingerie by any means. I'm certainly not defending the action but I think the term "nightgown" conjures up images of something way more sexy.


^^^^^^^^
That right there , is the smoking gun , IMO.
Human beings have the ability to think,so most of our actions are premeditated.
The truth be told, before she had sex with you, she was thinking of him. Whilst she was having sex with you, she was thinking of him. After she had sex with you, she didn't wait until the morning , SHE CHATTED WITH HIM.
And did it after you fell asleep.
Worse yet, the messages were DELETED.

She is hiding something.
There are programmes that could retrieve deleted messages.
Your duty is to find out what was said in those messages.

PS: Forget the tears, find the TRUTH.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

aug said:


> So, quite likely that's when the contact and flirting with the other man started.


:iagree:

What he said, when the sex went from good to porn star insane good is probably when she started getting the compliments from the OM and most likely fantasizing about it.

If there wasn't any A, then chalk it up to one spouse wanting to go the extra yard for their spouse. If you find out about an A or budding friendship then well, you can usually put 2 and 2 together and figure that one out yourself.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Skype logs can be retrieved I think(on a computer). Why were the messages deleted? That speaks of intent. Tell her you are going to use recovery software(if she is a technologically unaware) and retrieve those messages to see if she will confess more. Do the same with the memory card of the camera. you can retrieve deleted photos (you can check if she sent him other pics). Make sure you have the complete truth before you try to fix the issues.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You just got a good lesson on how fast these things can escalate---4 days, and she is sending pics of her in her nities----a couple more days, and he would have conned her into much worse

Have you set in boundaries, with ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES---not talk, but actions

She needs to send a NC, letter via e-mail, with you there to see it go---she is to be off all social websites, including facebook, all her electronics are to be open to you----and stop all the texting---you wanna converse do it face to face, where you can look at her and see her reactions---texting is just hiding, one can say anything in a text---no one is there to actually see reactions

You need to have serious talks with each other at least 4 nights a week

Do not treat this lightly, if she percieves, you handled this in a weak manner, she just might try it again, should marital problems occur

She also must know that from now on---her ONLY MALE FRIENDS, will be friends of the mge., and no others

You also might wanna make her sign, a post--nup, so she knows that you are deadly serious about all of this.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Both of these are disturbing - very




99OLEPACS said:


> Hi, yes that was one of my biggest issues was that darn picture. I told her how disturbing it was that not only was I asleep in the same room when the picture was taken but we had just made love.


No boundaries / little respect

..for you!



99OLEPACS said:


> I can't get too graphic but the s-e-x has been insane the last few weeks. Like I mentioned we've always had a good sex life but it got way more intense again lately so I know that's not the problem. I do have a very demanding job though, with 12 hour days being the norm and even weekends sometime. I don't think this is a good excuse though.


Sorry but you're mistaken it IS a problem

This is classic early affair attachment (E and P) stuff. Intense increase / decrease in sexual activity to try and keep the potential betrayed spouse 'happy' and unsuspecting 

Srry for the negativity but for me there's a lot more to this my friend

I hope not but you need imo to check and double check everything you can pdq. I suspect the flood gates could be opening pretty soon.

____


Srry you're with this and what will sadly make this harder for you is that you thought you had the perfect marriage. When it's good and clearly so then you question that nobody would ever want to rock that 'happy boat' BUT sadly infidelity does not work like that - falling into 'the fog' for a wayward spouse has no logical rules

You + Her + 'happy/content = No cheating ??

Wrong ! (I've been exactly where you are)

On that note I hope I am very very wrong about this-fingers crossed


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> can't get too graphic but the s-e-x has been insane the last few weeks.





> I told her how disturbing it was that not only was I asleep in the same room when the picture was taken but we had just made love.


I can offer an explanation for that behavior. Many female mammals (humans included) use strategies to have sperm of several males in their reproductive tracts in order to generate sperm competition (very interesting biology notions behind this). So you often will hear about guys being cheated on telling about how their cheating wives become a lot hotter in bed while the affair was going on. Sex with the husband and the OM often occur within the same day.

In your specific case she just did it virtually. Being physically inseminated by you she then went to communicate with the other dude in a flirting way. If that is all that happen you can consider that the "good girl" (although not so good right?!) way of doing it. 

You seem to be lucky in the way that you apparently caught this early. But i must, in conscience, ask you to think about the fact that her reaction seems a little bit exaggerated for some simple message exchanges. All that crying when apparently she is saying nothing was going on? Doesn't really add up for me. But you know her reactions better than me. Is she a very emotional person that cries easily?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

99 I hope you come back because I'm surprised no one else gave you this to retrieve the skype logs of what your wife and OM were saying to each other:

*SkypeLogView v1.36 - Skype Log Viewer (.dbb and main.db files)*

Skype Logs Reader/Viewer (.dbb and main.db files)












(thanks to Lordmayhem who posts about this program)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The reason your sex life ramped up is becuase she was getting turned on from this other guy.

The reason she skyped him immediatly after sex with you was becuase she was fantasizing about him during your sex.

Sorry to point this out, but very likley to be true.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Hicks said:


> The reason your sex life ramped up is becuase she was getting turned on from this other guy.
> 
> The reason she skyped him immediatly after sex with you was becuase she was fantasizing about him during your sex.
> 
> Sorry to point this out, but very likley to be true.



I agree. Clear case of being placed second behind the other man. No more soulmate?

You probably wont get this kind of sex again from her, if ever?


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## NotPerfect09 (Sep 24, 2012)

Hello all,

I am the subject of the matter here. I appreciate all the mature and honest responses. I can say I am in NO WAY a "wayward wife" I love my husband with all my heart & soul and I made a mistake...a HUGE immature mistake. I have never strayed from my hubby and I can sincerely say that I never will. It was so stupid of me to agree to skype the person and the chatting was so innocuous and the pictures being swapped were of stupid faces. I've never reached out to strangers before and never will I place myself in such a situation. My husband has access to all of my information such as email, FB and my phone. I have (and still am) always been very open and honest with him. I know I have violated his trust but I am going to do everything in my power to regain it and mend the pain. No, I'm not sorry because I got caught...I'm relieved as this has been a learning experience. My only reason for being deeply sorry is for the fact that I've hurt my husband in such a way I've never seen and I will NEVER do anything so foolish! 

As for the messages, I always delete messages with the exception of my husband's. Not because I have anything to hide but simply because no other messages mean anything to me, I believe he does the same way as well. The picture is not to be exaggerated...yes I was in my pjs but I was covered with the exception of some cleavage (I cant hide it unless I'm wearing a turtleneck) As for our sex life, yes I wanted it to improve! We've always had amazing sex but with us having a toddler, my husband with his demanding job and all the daily activities we were neglecting each other. I don't ever fantasize about anyone other than my beautiful husband! It was a foolish mistake and since my husband contacted the person all communication has ceased! We were married under God as I feel I am a religious person (yes, ppl of faith commit sins too) I have gone to confession and poured my heart out to a priest who was shocked to see the remorse in my face! I am working on gaining my husbands trust back and I have nothing to hold back from him and never will.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so you won't mind if your husband uses the program I posted to verify what you are saying? (because if it is the truth as to what you are saying then you should jump at the chance to allow him to see what was written and not complain your privacy is being breached)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What were intentions when you started speaking and sending pictures to this guy? Did you just like the attention ?

Are you happy in the marriage ?


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## NotPerfect09 (Sep 24, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so you won't mind if your husband uses the program I posted to verify what you are saying? (because if it is the truth as to what you are saying then you should jump at the chance to allow him to see what was written and not complain your privacy is being breached)


We did this but nothing was retrievable. We've talked through this...he's going to check the phone logs.


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## NotPerfect09 (Sep 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What were intentions when you started speaking and sending pictures to this guy? Did you just like the attention ?
> 
> Are you happy in the marriage ?


Attention? Possibly, but it wasn't anything out of line in any way. And yes, I agree he probably had other intentions (now that I've read through this) but nothing that would have escalated. I love my husband and we ae happily married. As I stated, it was so stupid for me to agree to skype in the first place. I'm so mad with myself because I let think happen...and now we're working on the healing process.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

NotPerfect09 said:


> We did this but nothing was retrievable. We've talked through this...he's going to check the phone logs.




I'm no skype expert but maybe try this

Thoughts become Things: How to Restore Skype Chat History


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> As for the messages, I always delete messages with the exception of my husband's. Not because I have anything to hide but simply because no other messages mean anything to me,


Really? On your phone or the home computer ?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I will say that your willingness to retrieve your chats is a good sign


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## NotPerfect09 (Sep 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Really? On your phone or the home computer ?


They were from my phone...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well that explains why you cant use the program


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## NotPerfect09 (Sep 24, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I will say that your willingness to retrieve your chats is a good sign


I have never been a liar. Once he started asking me questions I was telling him everything while he was messaging the person. We even sat together and looked through my FB logs and archived messages. This is why it's been a living hell for the both of us. We can only take it day by day. And it was my very own decision to post to this blog, my husband told me he started it and I can read it if I wanted…of course I would. I need to know how people get through this, even though I know other’s may have it far worse.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Notperfect, just so you know the worst part of these things is not the betrayal but the trickle truth. I am not questioning about your honesty but if he finds anything more about this whole thing after sometime, he will be back to the same mental state he was after the day he found out. And the next time, the loss of trust will be more devastating and permanent. So if there is something you have to tell him but did not out of fear of hurting him more or because "you would never do it again now that you realize it", think again. These kind of lies can be a relationship killer.

Good luck!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

NotPerfect09 said:


> I have never been a liar. Once he started asking me questions I was telling him everything while he was messaging the person. We even sat together and looked through my FB logs and archived messages. This is why it's been a living hell for the both of us. We can only take it day by day. And it was my very own decision to post to this blog, my husband told me he started it and I can read it if I wanted…of course I would. I need to know how people get through this, even though I know other’s may have it far worse.


1) No contact with OM, if he tries contacting you, you ignore it and tell your husband right away
2) complete transparency (which you appear to be doing already)
3) demonstrate remorse (see charts in newbie link in my signature)


yes if this was as you say then it is a relatively minor infidelity, nonetheless, a breach of trust is extremely harmful no matter how minor it is. At least he doesnt have to deal with mind movies or the like.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I should add that unless you can show the skype chat, he will likely have a nagging doubt no matter how much you are remorseful. It is natural to have such doubts after a betrayal, it is why lies wreck such havok. You need to rebuild the trust and re-earn his trust, thus don't get angry if he harbors fears that it is worse than it was or doesn't always believe you as to what was said or happened.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

NotPerfect. First, thank you for coming on here. That took guts mainly. One thing you should understand is that many times affairs start as small innocuous conversations. They escalate. Sometimes with knowledge and approval of the wayward spouse, sometimes it just sneaks up on them and they get caught up in it. Not saying that this is where you were going, just saying that that is what we generally see here. Our view of these situations is colored by hundreds of stories of people chatting with their AP and then deleting the chats or text to hide the evidence.

Sounds like you are on track for a healthy marriage. God bless.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

NotPerfect09 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am the subject of the matter here. I appreciate all the mature and honest responses. I can say I am in NO WAY a "wayward wife" I love my husband with all my heart & soul and I made a mistake...a HUGE immature mistake. I have never strayed from my hubby and I can sincerely say that I never will. It was so stupid of me to agree to skype the person and the chatting was so innocuous and the pictures being swapped were of stupid faces. I've never reached out to strangers before and never will I place myself in such a situation. My husband has access to all of my information such as email, FB and my phone. I have (and still am) always been very open and honest with him. I know I have violated his trust but I am going to do everything in my power to regain it and mend the pain. No, I'm not sorry because I got caught...I'm relieved as this has been a learning experience. My only reason for being deeply sorry is for the fact that I've hurt my husband in such a way I've never seen and I will NEVER do anything so foolish!
> 
> As for the messages, I always delete messages with the exception of my husband's. Not because I have anything to hide but simply because no other messages mean anything to me, I believe he does the same way as well. The picture is not to be exaggerated...yes I was in my pjs but I was covered with the exception of some cleavage (I cant hide it unless I'm wearing a turtleneck) As for our sex life, yes I wanted it to improve! We've always had amazing sex but with us having a toddler, my husband with his demanding job and all the daily activities we were neglecting each other. I don't ever fantasize about anyone other than my beautiful husband! It was a foolish mistake and since my husband contacted the person all communication has ceased! We were married under God as I feel I am a religious person (yes, ppl of faith commit sins too) I have gone to confession and poured my heart out to a priest who was shocked to see the remorse in my face! I am working on gaining my husbands trust back and I have nothing to hold back from him and never will.



Well fantastic - looks like most of our suspicions are wide of the mark and that's just for once good to know because generally do you realize in say 50 of these instances 40 odd of them are the start of or a progressing affair.

What made you come on here did your husband ask you to see the comments?

As someone who has just wound their neck in on this can you see why so many comments are often so disparaging about a wayward spouse

Anyways it's good to see you so active in putting it to a stop and realizing just how valuable your husband is and pulling back from the abyss.

Well done you and congratilations


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

NotPerfect09 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am the subject of the matter here. I appreciate all the mature and honest responses. I can say I am in NO WAY a "wayward wife" I love my husband with all my heart & soul and I made a mistake...a HUGE immature mistake. I have never strayed from my hubby and I can sincerely say that I never will. It was so stupid of me to agree to skype the person and the chatting was so innocuous and the pictures being swapped were of stupid faces. I've never reached out to strangers before and never will I place myself in such a situation. My husband has access to all of my information such as email, FB and my phone. I have (and still am) always been very open and honest with him. I know I have violated his trust but I am going to do everything in my power to regain it and mend the pain. No, I'm not sorry because I got caught...I'm relieved as this has been a learning experience. My only reason for being deeply sorry is for the fact that I've hurt my husband in such a way I've never seen and I will NEVER do anything so foolish!
> 
> As for the messages, I always delete messages with the exception of my husband's. Not because I have anything to hide but simply because no other messages mean anything to me, I believe he does the same way as well. The picture is not to be exaggerated...yes I was in my pjs but I was covered with the exception of some cleavage (I cant hide it unless I'm wearing a turtleneck) As for our sex life, yes I wanted it to improve! We've always had amazing sex but with us having a toddler, my husband with his demanding job and all the daily activities we were neglecting each other. I don't ever fantasize about anyone other than my beautiful husband! It was a foolish mistake and since my husband contacted the person all communication has ceased! We were married under God as I feel I am a religious person (yes, ppl of faith commit sins too) I have gone to confession and poured my heart out to a priest who was shocked to see the remorse in my face! I am working on gaining my husbands trust back and I have nothing to hold back from him and never will.


Yes we humans err. 
99OLEPACS you are a lucky man - you both need to count your blessings.


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## NotPerfect09 (Sep 24, 2012)

Headspin said:


> What made you come on here did your husband ask you to see the comments?
> 
> The day he started the blog he asked me to stay away from him and give him his space. I had to respect his wishes since he was fuming. Later in the day, we talked and he told me about the site...(this was Saturday) Yesterday...of course I was nervous to see what others had to say. I read through everything and decided I should respond. I know it is going to take time and I will give him all the time he needs and reassurance that I made an awful mistake that will NEVER happen again. My life with him and our son is way too valuable to jeopardize over something so juvenile!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

NotPerfect09 said:


> Headspin said:
> 
> 
> > What made you come on here did your husband ask you to see the comments?
> ...


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Your husband did a mistake by bringing you here. I sincerely hope you don't make him pay for it the hard way. He is a pretty trusting guy given the circumstances. 

By the way, personally i don't buy that whole "i made a mistake" stuff since your whole attitude says that you knew that what you were doing wasn't kosher. But you got caught and reality checks are a pain. Where was all that when you were texting the other guy right after sex with your husband?

If you are telling the truth NOW, i hope you and your husband learn from this and rebuild your marriage knowing that such situations can kill the apparently good relationship you have.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

NotPerfect, I hope you are being truthful with your husband and us at this point.

My wife engaged in a low level emotional affair years ago. There have been a few other lies or deceptions of similar magnitude. I have no solid proof of any physical affairs. So let me weigh in from a similar position as your husband is in.

_No solid proof of physical affairs is *not* the same as solid proof of no physical affairs._ If you didn't catch that, read it again until it makes sense. Another way to say it is absence of proof is not proof of absence.

This is where your husband is. He _has_ been betrayed. It does not matter what you did was at a low level, it was a betrayal of his unconditional trust in you. This is indeed a black and white kind of thing.

So for starters I suggest you both read "After the Affair". Other titles are frequently recommended on this forum which might be applicable, but this is the one I am familiar with and liked.

Your husband is going to be replaying and re-evaluating your entire relationship. He is going to assign new meanings to previous events or comments. He is going to question the innocence of other events or comments. Sometimes he is going to incorrectly be suspicious of past or future events. You must accept this as normal for a betrayed spouse even if you don't understand it or think it is unreasonable at times.

You know what the truth is, he does not. So he is guessing, worrying, and imagining all kinds of things.

You must be hyper honest with him during reconciliation. The reason is that any hint of possible deception will destroy any trust which has been rebuilt. You must answer every question fully and honestly. It means you give up normal privacy. If he asks something which embarrasses you, sorry but you have to fully answer.

Don't try to minimize or sugar coat anything. It does not protect him, it destroys him when he learns the truth. He gets to decide what he wants to know.

Because he is going to replay your entire relationship, he is going to have questions about seemingly minor or unrelated topics. Understand that this is part of his healing process, and he needs full honest answers. If you can't remember in the moment, tell him honestly you aren't sure right now. But write it down as something to go back to, and then find a way to think on it and provide as complete an answer as is possible.

If there are other things lurking out there that he doesn't know about, you will have to tell him soon. Did you lie about previous relationships? Do you have debt on a credit card he doesn't know about? Is one of your FaceBook friends actually a former boyfriend that your husband doesn't know about? Any of these kinds of things he had better hear from you, not find out elsewhere.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

NSP09, I believe you, but Thor has given you an inside look at what the BS feels. So don't shrug it off as it was not an affair per se so why read.
Also if I may, read Not Just Friends. Many have said it helped them after coming here.

Good Luck going forward and God Bless.


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## NotPerfect09 (Sep 24, 2012)

Today, we had a good morning just snuggling and rubbing eachother. This afternoon we were exchanging text messages and I had told him I'm unable to retrieve the messages. So my husband told me he's going to reach out to the person and I agreed. However, I logged in and sent the person a message saying, "My husband is going to contact you..." Now everything has flipped upside down and I've dug my hole deeper! We are both waiting for the person to respond...but I'm under the impression my husband thinks I personally know the person! Which I don't! I'm trembling in fear because he's threatening to end our marriage but I put this on my LIFE!!! There was no emotional/physical attraction whatsoever!! It was the stupidest mistake I have EVER made in my life! Also, to make matters worse...the person is a member of multiple dating sites (my husband has thouroghly been searching for any info) and found he likes swapping naked pics of himself and had a tag message of "thick ****". I'm laying myself on the line here...I will do anything in my power to move forward from this!!! I will do everything I can to gain his trust back! I am completely mortified of the outcome being that it wasn't anything physical/emotional and the fact that I was chatting with a kid! I'm so embarrassed to have been so naive!!!!! He's so angry right now and I've called his sister to inform her of everything being that she is the one that he confides but he is not answering her calls. It is at his request that I am posting this as I will do ANYTHING to get through this difficult time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

What part of NC did you not understand ?? Contacting the pos makes it look like you wanted to get your stories straight.

Look, just tell your husband you want to take a polygraph.

You cammed with this pos. Your H find out this piece is exchanging nudes, and beating off with other women on cam. 

Now do you understand ???

If you didn't go there with him, then offer the poly. If you did, tell him, don't let him find out you TT him and lied.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You just warned OM? WTF!
Why? It's not a retorical question, really, why did you do that?

I wanted to believe you. I don't believe you anymore.
Why should your husband believe there was way more going on after that?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Duplicate


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> *What part of NC did you not understand ?? Contacting the pos makes it look like you wanted to get your stories straight.*
> Look, just tell your husband you want to take a polygraph.
> 
> You cammed with this pos. Your H find out this piece is exchanging nudes, and beating off with other women on cam.
> ...


Old Wolf is dead on right. If I was your H I would think the worst here.

This is serious sh1t here and you're being a tad casual. Serious thought about any future move is needed, like a chess game. Don't be too quick on the trigger, think first.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> What part of NC did you not understand ?? Contacting the pos makes it look like you wanted to get your stories straight.


Yeah no kidding. For me that would be the end. NotPerfect, pull the battery from your phone, unplug your computer, lock up your iPad. Don't talk to anyone or do anything without first talking to your husband and getting his approval.

I don't think you understand yet that you *already destroyed* your marriage. You are now trying to convince your husband to _attempt_ to build an entirely new relationship out of the ashes. His tolerance for the hint of a whiff of a chance of possibility of deception is ZERO. It doesn't have to be real deception just possibly the appearance it might be.

Seriously, I would pull the plug on the marriage if my wife gave warning to OM like that.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

jfv said:


> NotPerfect09 said:
> 
> 
> > good luck. It sounds like you won't need it
> ...


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## NotPerfect09 (Sep 24, 2012)

Wow...maybe this was the wrong forum to post this. I am not unfaithful and never have been! I have been trying everything to retrieve the chat log. We very much love eachother and talk openly...yes, talk. We're not even fighting! I vowed never to put myself in that situation! I've always been an open book with my husband and still am! We're not ending our marriage. Period. After talking with my mother and sister in law (who know us best) they say this will pass!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

YOU CALLED THE POS !! 
Look, this site slug cams with women to jerk off. YOU are NOT some naive lil teen. You are a grown a** woman. And I assume you dated before marriage. So why would some young guy be on sites camming with women. For sex !!! Even if its only on the computer.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

It's nice to see you are still trying to R. However, your actions in contacting the OM are suspect and you should not underestimate their destructive nature. If your spouse hasn't brought this up yet, he will. You would be best served to proactively suggest the polygraph.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

NotPerfect09 said:


> I have never been a liar. Once he started asking me questions I was telling him everything while he was messaging the person. We even sat together and looked through my FB logs and archived messages. This is why it's been a living hell for the both of us. We can only take it day by day. And it was my very own decision to post to this blog, my husband told me he started it and I can read it if I wanted…of course I would. I need to know how people get through this, even though I know other’s may have it far worse.


Your first sentence in this post is a lie. The fact that you with held the FACT of sending the OM an INAPPROPRIATE/IMMODEST picture is equivalent to lying.

You contradict yourself MANY times in your posts....




> I have never strayed from my hubby and I can sincerely say that I never will.


Really? Why did your husband approach this forum, why are you here, to save face? 



> My husband has access to all of my information such as email, FB and my phone. I have (and still am) always been very open and honest with him.


So if he has access, then that is more of a reason to delete all evidence or move it from plain sight.



> No, I'm not sorry because I got caught...


It sounds like you are, why else would you delete the skype messages, only show remorse after the fact that he found out, only find out it was wrong after the fact you got busted, and show up on this forum if you are not sorry because you are caught. You didn't google any infidelity forums before playing with fire...



> I'm relieved as this has been a learning experience. My only reason for being deeply sorry is for the fact that I've hurt my husband in such a way I've never seen and I will NEVER do anything so foolish!


Hopefully you took plenty notes this time around and I sure hope you both can R and be transparent. Privacy is for teenagers. If there really is nothing to HIDE, then there is no reason to fear (aka delete or hide facts).



> As for the messages, I always delete messages with the exception of my husband's. Not because I have anything to hide but simply because no other messages mean anything to me, I believe he does the same way as well.


If all other messages do not mean anything then why waste the effort to delete useless messages, why not make the extra effort and delete your husbands messages which MEAN something?


> The picture is not to be exaggerated...yes I was in my pjs but I was covered with the exception of some cleavage (I cant hide it unless I'm wearing a turtleneck)


You can't hide it unless you wear a turtleneck? Or maybe you can't hide it when you take a picture of yourself in your "pj's" which people of the opposite sex should not see. My "pj's" are my short trunks, I'm sure if I'd send a pic of that to a person of the opposite sex while being married would cause problems with the spouse.



> As for our sex life, yes I wanted it to improve! We've always had amazing sex but with us having a toddler, my husband with his demanding job and all the daily activities we were neglecting each other. I don't ever fantasize about anyone other than my beautiful husband!


:scratchhead: 



> It was a foolish mistake and since my husband contacted the person all communication has ceased


! 

Can he attest that 'all communication has ceased'? You obviously have a history of deleting conversations and hiding your forms of communication.

We were married under God as I feel I am a religious person (yes, ppl of faith commit sins too) I have gone to confession and poured my heart out to a priest who was shocked to see the remorse in my face! I am working on gaining my husbands trust back and I have nothing to hold back from him and never will.[/QUOTE][/QUOTE]

This is what I think is the worst, I am a catholic, to think that you should show yourself pity and such false compassion saying that "ppl of faith commit sins too", is saying that you are expected to SIN, so you should expect forgiveness and should also expect ACCEPTANCE? What if your husband leaves you, assuming that you are catholic you cannot remarry, and any other relationship with any other man afterwards is adultery. Good luck trying to get your marriage annulled because most marriages were not formed under grounds for annulment (ex you weren't drunk at the time of your vows, or forced to marry, etc) and it takes time.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> YOU CALLED THE POS !!
> Look, this site slug cams with women to jerk off. YOU are NOT some naive lil teen. You are a grown a** woman. And I assume you dated before marriage. So why would some young guy be on sites camming with women. For sex !!! Even if its only on the computer.


Sometimes we (I use we because we can apply it to anything) mentally justify an action, a premeditated action, so that we can do it, and the fact that we have to mentally justify it without consent of a wiser person further increases the risk that the action which is about to take place is wrong...


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

NotPerfect09 said:


> Wow...maybe this was the wrong forum to post this. I am not unfaithful and never have been! I have been trying everything to retrieve the chat log. We very much love eachother and talk openly...yes, talk. We're not even fighting! I vowed never to put myself in that situation! I've always been an
> 
> 
> > open book
> ...


Are you an open book with torn pages here and there? The fact that you hid something from your husband will remain for a while. You mention speaking with your mother and sister in law that it will pass, it already has passed. The one you need to address about ending your marriage or not is your husband. Why should you bring up your mother or sister in law?

I may sound as if I am being harsh but I am not, I am being straight forward and honest. You seem like a great wife that entered into the occasion of "sin". Since you went to confession and you are catholic you must be familiar with the 'Act of Contrition'
Which states (my emphasis added)
"...I firmly resolve with the help of Your Grace, to sin no more and to avoid the *near **occasion *of *sin*."

Just because you confessed and received your absolution means that you owe nothing or have to repair nothing. You must remorse, repair, and change.

This goes for everything that is wrong not just cheating, but don't rug sweep this. Your posts make it sound as if it was actually nothing. A married woman as well as a married man should be modest. These inappropriate conversations, comments, pictures, texting, etc is a path to the tainting of your marriage. Set your boundaries on yourself and if you work, on your co workers and on alert others who have crossed them to keep outside the boundaries.

Let this be a reminder that if your husband would do this to you, you would do the same thing that he did or more and expect reparation and REMORSE, not justification and rug sweeping. 

I hope for a success in your R (reconciliation) and that you further strengthen the love, and bond of your marriage.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I have a question for NotPerfect and if it has been answered already my apologies.

You husband said that after sex you started texting Om sending pictures in PJs.

Was the sex with H duty sex and having done with that you went back to the one you had a better emotional bond with?


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Why did you contact the OM?. I think you are being dishonest to yourself. There is more to it, you are holding out on something.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> YOU CALLED THE POS !!
> Look, this site slug cams with women to jerk off. YOU are NOT some naive lil teen. You are a grown a** woman. And I assume you dated before marriage. So why would some young guy be on sites camming with women. For sex !!! Even if its only on the computer.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Game Over.....


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

NotPerfect09 said:


> Wow...maybe this was the wrong forum to post this. I am not unfaithful and never have been! I have been trying everything to retrieve the chat log. We very much love eachother and talk openly...yes, talk. We're not even fighting! I vowed never to put myself in that situation! I've always been an open book with my husband and still am! We're not ending our marriage. Period. After talking with my mother and sister in law (who know us best) they say this will pass!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Notperfect09

You've got to understand your huge fumble here. You guys were well on your way to building back up the trust...contacting the POS just really has bad optics.

You preceded that with very intimate relations with your husband only to contact this guy right after. Again...the optics are bad here.

As a woman you should know by now there is no good reason for a man to contact you online. There is 1 reason for a man to contact a female online...and it's not to be friends. I would say that part of the problem your husband may be dealing with is the fact that you don't understand how truly horny guys are, and what lengths they will go to get what they want.

I happen to think you're a good woman and a good wife who is just terribly naive about men. My wife is the same way.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I happen to think you're a good woman and a good wife who is just terribly naive about men. My wife is the same way.


I'm going to disagree.

A woman doesnt really take a picture right after sex and send it to the other man unless there's a strong attraction to him. And the pickup of sex around the same timeframe with the husband showed that she's stimulated by the other man.


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## 99OLEPACS (Sep 22, 2012)

I know I haven't chimed in for some time but I've been looking in every now and then. Reading some of this stuff has been hard but I'd be lying if i said it wasn't all stuff that has already passed through my mind. This is the hardest thing we've been through. We work hard and take exceptional care of our child and this is unbelievably difficult to deal with while continuing to do so. 

I know my wife better than anyone and in order for us to get through this I may not be doing myself any favors by inviting other peoples opinions. I knew what to expect when I posted. I literally had no one to talk to so I thought what the heck. 

I will not defend her actions. They were _wrong_ and I have made that very clear to her. I can't dissect every single detail or I'll go nuts. That's just my personality. 

As for the "warning" message. I still do not understand this. She knew I had her password and would see it. If she didn't and there was a warning to be conveyed, I would expect something like " My husband is contacting you, please do not forward him anything. Just tell him you deleted the messages". All I know for sure is it was incredibly F___ing Stupid.

We talked last night like he have every day. We were on the road to recovery and now I feel like I'm back at square one. I have no idea how long it will take to rebuild trust. If this was a physical betrayal then our marriage would have probably ended that weekend. In fact, I don't know how people get through that. I don't think what she did is cheating. A breach of trust and betrayal for sure! ...but not cheating. I realize people will disagree but that's just my opinion...I know nothing physical happened because the dude is on the other side of the United States. I would hope that if he was on the West Coast that still nothing would of happened. 

I need to heal. This will likely be my last post on this blog. Thank you all for your time and opinion.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

NotPerfect09 said:


> Wow...maybe this was the wrong forum to post this. I am not unfaithful and never have been! I have been trying everything to retrieve the chat log. We very much love eachother and talk openly...yes, talk. We're not even fighting! I vowed never to put myself in that situation! I've always been an open book with my husband and still am! We're not ending our marriage. Period. After talking with my mother and sister in law (who know us best) they say this will pass!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im going to tell you as it is..I dont care if a get banned...

But i just cant stand people insulting my intelligence,like you do now..

I dont buy nothing of what you claim..So lay of this poor little me attitude.I does not work with me..

Here is what i posted to your husband

*I still think you should proceed with caution.

Meet on stupid social app. Pic swapp, next Skype god morning talk
And the most disturbing trying to send a pic of her self right after
you two had naked time...And all this in 4 days..
For your sake I'm hoping its just me being paranoid.

But the level of how comfortable they was with each other.
seems highly unlikely in just 4 days of knowing each other...*

Read this,over and over again..And you will get my point.Why
i think your full of it...

"You wrote"
*I know it is going to take time and I will give him all the time he needs and reassurance that I made an awful mistake that will NEVER happen again. My life with him and our son is way too valuable to jeopardize over something so juvenile!*



Pay attention to the blue colored

And then this
*However, I logged in and sent the person a message saying, "My husband is going to contact you...*
Nothing to hide?? YEAH RIGHT!!

*but I'm under the impression my husband thinks I personally know the person!*Does this really need´s a explanation??
Hell even a dont believe you.


*There was no emotional/physical attraction whatsoever!!*

Realy?? sigh

*It was the stupidest mistake I have EVER made in my life*

Its getting old now

*I will do anything in my power to move forward from this!!! I will do everything I can to gain his trust back!*

Yeas that is why you called and warned the guy.sigh

*I'm so embarrassed to have been so naive!!!*

Sure you are.. There is someone on this forum..That seems to have a bridge for sale..

*I am completely mortified of the outcome being that it wasn't anything physical/emotional and the fact that I was chatting with a kid!* Keep saying that and perhaps one day you will believe it..

You warned the guy..WHY?? after all it was folish mistake

Rethink your position and be honest,with your husband..
This went on longer then 4 days.And you know it...


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