# Reconciled!!!



## febsu

I posted a thread on *"Considering Divorce or Separation"* I suggest skimming it through to get an idea what has happened. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...mpatible-husband-something-doesnt-add-up.html



> Your marriage is 99% over


I'm not trying to point fingers at anyone of you especially for those who said *it was over*. In fact some of my friends who found out figured it was over as well... It really did seem that way. 

But life gave me a second chance. Our relationship became 100 times more stronger. I think what I've learned from this small break up was that our love was *"real"*. And even if she wanted to be separated at the time she still sees me as a Best Friend only because we've known each other and got each others back for more than 7 years.

Also she did NOT have sex with the person at all!! My wife has morals when it comes to sex.. of course I was thinking about it when she was constantly visiting him and its only natural that I would think so. 

What I've found out was that over the past 2 years she was missing

- my affection
- my love
- my care
- reassurance 
- disrespected her at times
- didnt treat her right

So she basically "used" the person she found at work to get all of the feelings back.

We went through counselling but as individuals. The counselor told my wife that the reason why she had feelings for this other person is because of what she was missing for the past 2 years.

If anything right now she has to deal with the guy that she was into now because he is obviously hurt but at the same time for some reason he thinks there is hope. He knows we're married and my wife told him we were trying to work it out. So I'm not sure why he keeps pursuing. Anyway the guy recently quit and even on his last day she told me she wanted to avoid him or even getting a ride from him.

I just want to say *THANK YOU * for those who've read my long ass thread. I really hope this thread, somehow can show some kind of positive signs for those who are going through a similar breakup.

The reason why it seemed like I thought there was hope was because of what I said above and that our relationship was real. We really really connected when we first got married. Even before the marriage we were really close!! Until ofcourse.. I screwed up being one of the ****tiest husband in the world. I've changed for the better when it comes to treating my wife right.

From now on we've told each other that no friends or anyone other people will determine our relationship, it will just be between us and whatever problems we go through we will be open about it!


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## Dedicated2Her

febsu said:


> I posted a thread on *"Considering Divorce or Separation"* I suggest skimming it through to get an idea what has happened.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...mpatible-husband-something-doesnt-add-up.html
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not trying to point fingers at anyone of you especially for those who said *it was over*. In fact some of my friends who found out figured it was over as well... It really did seem that way.
> 
> But life gave me a second chance. Our relationship became 100 times more stronger. I think what I've learned from this small break up was that our love was *"real"*. And even if she wanted to be separated at the time she still sees me as a Best Friend only because we've known each other and got each others back for more than 7 years.
> 
> Also she did NOT have sex with the person at all!! My wife has morals when it comes to sex.. of course I was thinking about it when she was constantly visiting him and its only natural that I would think so.
> 
> What I've found out was that over the past 2 years she was missing
> 
> - my affection
> - my love
> - my care
> - reassurance
> - disrespected her at times
> - didnt treat her right
> 
> So she basically "used" the person she found at work to get all of the feelings back.
> 
> We went through counselling but as individuals. The counselor told my wife that the reason why she had feelings for this other person is because of what she was missing for the past 2 years.
> 
> If anything right now she has to deal with the guy that she was into now because he is obviously hurt but at the same time for some reason he thinks there is hope. He knows we're married and my wife told him we were trying to work it out. So I'm not sure why he keeps pursuing. Anyway the guy recently quit and even on his last day she told me she wanted to avoid him or even getting a ride from him.
> 
> I just want to say *THANK YOU * for those who've read my long ass thread. I really hope this thread, somehow can show some kind of positive signs for those who are going through a similar breakup.
> 
> The reason why it seemed like I thought there was hope was because of what I said above and that our relationship was real. We really really connected when we first got married. Even before the marriage we were really close!! Until ofcourse.. I screwed up being one of the ****tiest husband in the world. I've changed for the better when it comes to treating my wife right.
> 
> From now on we've told each other that no friends or anyone other people will determine our relationship, it will just be between us and whatever problems we go through we will be open about it!


You went through individual counseling in the span of a month?????? You are taking all the blame for your spouse having an EA which more than likely was a PA (she just isn't telling you)? Alright dude. See you again in a few years. Hope for the best.


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## joe kidd

I'm 3 yrs in and still have a way to go. You should write a book. 
"How to reconcile in 30 days". 
Hope it works out for you, I really do.


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## lenzi

febsu said:


> He knows we're married and my wife told him we were trying to work it out. So I'm not sure why he keeps pursuing


Because he knows something you don't.


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## honcho

Well about the best you really can say is the both of your are trying to reconcile, that’s its. You know things you can work on to improve yourself in the relationship and hopefully she does too. Everyone is on the best behavior when starting to reconcile I think till the old patterns start to reappear or some stress occurs. 

Do not kid yourself about the OM at work, he keeps pursuing her because he doesn’t believe the two of you will work out, hes got nothing to lose by doing so. You are looking at your situation thru rose colored glasses right now. I do hope things work out as you hope but if you think this can fall apart and be put back together in 30 days you are mistaken. You are plan A for her now because you were always plan B before, don’t be surprised if/when you become plan B again unless the two of your truly commit to your marriage. Saying it and doing it are very different.


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## febsu

She has been open about him recently because he is constantly texting her. It got to the point where he is creeping her out. 

I know it doesnt all seem to fit within a short time span, there is only so much I can type here when it comes what has happened, how deep our relationship is and how we've dealt with this. *IT WAS NOT EASY*. 

My wife is with me as im typing this and she has read most of the post here so far and I can't say anything else except that we are back together as husband and wives and of course we're going to work it out when we get into an argument again or w.e. 

She literally told me that she wants to cut him out in her life. I know age has nothing to do with relationships but the dude is 4 years younger than her, he only knew her for 2 months and he has been acting as if they've known each other for 5 years. That bothers her a lot. 

I've been putting myself down for the most part but she did admit that she had issues of her own where she likes to hold on to things, she promises not too anymore because she does see that it affects our relationship. If anything we've both screwed up.

Every couple is different I believe and my case is not typical I know nor I think anyone is. Most important thing is that she has been showing my affection again for the past 2 weeks and holding hands together when we go out to the mall. I've asked her many questions in regards to where we are and she has shown me signs of reassurance and things are much clearer now.

I hope that clears it up abit!


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## honcho

It clears up nothing, read what people have written, 2 weeks doesn’t prove anything and if you think the hard work is done you are mistaken. Maybe you got lucky and you both realize the issues and are working on them and will continue to, marriage is a lifelong project full of highs and lows. Please prove what we say is wrong and have a long and happy marriage. We do want you to succeed.


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## WorkingOnMe

So, is she willing to write a no contact letter? Willing to take a polygraph to prove it wasn't physical? Or is she (and you really) all talk?


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## Dedicated2Her

febsu said:


> She has been open about him recently because he is constantly texting her. It got to the point where he is creeping her out.
> 
> I know it doesnt all seem to fit within a short time span, there is only so much I can type here when it comes what has happened, how deep our relationship is and how we've dealt with this. *IT WAS NOT EASY*.
> 
> My wife is with me as im typing this and she has read most of the post here so far and I can't say anything else except that we are back together as husband and wives and of course we're going to work it out when we get into an argument again or w.e.
> 
> She literally told me that she wants to cut him out in her life. I know age has nothing to do with relationships but the dude is 4 years younger than her, he only knew her for 2 months and he has been acting as if they've known each other for 5 years. That bothers her a lot.
> 
> I've been putting myself down for the most part but she did admit that she had issues of her own where she likes to hold on to things, she promises not too anymore because she does see that it affects our relationship. If anything we've both screwed up.
> 
> Every couple is different I believe and my case is not typical I know nor I think anyone is. Most important thing is that she has been showing my affection again for the past 2 weeks and holding hands together when we go out to the mall. I've asked her many questions in regards to where we are and she has shown me signs of reassurance and things are much clearer now.
> 
> I hope that clears it up abit!


There is a lot of life experience on these boards. Long marriages full of ups and downs. It would be wise to seek independent counsel outside of your marriage in regards to your next steps.


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## Conrad

Dedicated2Her said:


> There is a lot of life experience on these boards. Long marriages full of ups and downs. It would be wise to seek independent counsel outside of your marriage in regards to your next steps.


The quick-fix rarely holds.

There were structural issues that led to this place.

Re-structuring takes time.


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## justforfun1222

I have been back with my husband for 4 years since the separation, first two were good, then it just seems like it all comes back in waves at certain times to hit you in the face, what they really did to your life.. What YOU allowed them to do! I hope this all works out for you, but I can say that forgiving is much easier than forgetting and what is the old saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.. just keep you eyes open!


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## yeah_right

She's reading this? Great. Here's a message to her...

Cut your affair partner out of your life forever. If you want to stay married, you cannot text/email/phone him EVER AGAIN. 

And honey, you know the truth. I hope you eventually come clean with your husband and give him 100% honesty. It's critical.


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## febsu

Sorry for the late replies guys. As I've before we went through counselling and pretty much the reason why she went for the guy was because she wanted to feelings back because I never gave her any affection and gave her the impression that I was just a "friend". 

She admitted that she had her faults in doing so but really how can you blame her when she has lived with me when I gave her no affection, constantly arguing over stupid things, I kept using the *"D"* word (divorce) against her whenever we fight. Basically she tried for the past 2 years and I didnt give a ****. I did not treat her good at all. I mean no kisses no nothing, she always initiates the kisses and the affection I never did.

Yes what she did was selfish but it was not WITHOUT a reason. 

Anyway to make it even more convincing she realized that the guy was no good. She cut him off. Only because the dude had issues and wasnt telling the truth half of the time.

I'm not sure what else I can do to show you guys that we are really back. We're both acting as if we're married again and our relationship is much more stronger now. We're both committed in this relationship and we've openly talked about many things in regards to how to keep our relationship alive. 

I guess if anything I'll just keep you guys updated overtime? I don't mind doing that.

Also I'm a changed man now.. my wife did tell me maybe this needed to happen for the better.. and she was right.


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## whitehawk

Good luck with everything and don't worry about anyone else now , you have a marriage to save and personally , l wish you guys all the best.
But make damn sure he is gone . Best if that's her too but either way get him gone which l know you've said he is so just keep him that way.
One thing l could suggest to though , she needs to turn to you next time , talk to you about how she's feeling , not someone else. 
if you guys haven't yet then maybe you's can work on that too.
Best of luck and may you grow old and fat together :smthumbup:


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## febsu

Yes we've already talked about how not to hold on to things anymore. She said that she can't do it anymore because not only that it will affect the relationship but it will affect her. She doesnt want to go back to the bald old self and neither do I.

She literally has no feelings for the guy anymore. She told me she became much stronger as a person and who is much more determined in life. 

We both needed self help. My issue was I was so obsessed with my own path in life (pursuing in music) for the past 2 years and I really really neglected her and used my frustration against her by calling her names, arguing over little things, getting angry way too easily. All she ever did in return was being really affectionate, being respectful to me at the same time holding all the bad feelings that I've let her accumulate over time. She was afraid to speak up because I was throw a fit.

Right now we're helping ourselves to make this relationship last for a very long time. It will be quite a journey. 

Sometimes I'm thinking if I were to record every single little thing that I've done to her and show you guys I have a feeling you might see this whole thing differently. Yes she has crossed the line but I have to stress that I did this to myself. It was bound to be and I was selfish enough to not see it happening.

Lesson learned and the best part is we both got another chance : )


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## lenzi

febsu said:


> She has been open about him recently because he is constantly texting her. It got to the point where he is creeping her out.


Is she aware that she can block his number?


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## lenzi

febsu said:


> I'm not sure what else I can do to show you guys that we are really back.


You don't have to prove anything to a group of internet strangers. Really, you have better things to do. 



febsu said:


> I guess if anything I'll just keep you guys updated overtime? I don't mind doing that.


That would be great. I would really like to be pleasantly surprised at how well things work out for the two of you.



febsu said:


> Sometimes I'm thinking if I were to record every single little thing that I've done to her and show you guys I have a feeling you might see this whole thing differently. )


It's not a matter of recording every single thing to show us guys so that we might see things differently. 

It has nothing to do with what's happening between the two of you right now. It has to do with where the two of you will be at, in say, 6 months from now. It's all about the test of time. 

Nothing more.


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## Mr Blunt

You two seem to be way ahead in the R department for a couple that has one month behind them. Stay on your toes because after the first honeymoon year the motivation will drop off.

Febsu, you have a great attitude and you are man enough to tell your failures. Your wife needs to find a way to put this OM out of both of your lives. Do not buy any story that says that she cannot find a way top permanently stop this man from contacting her. *This man is a great danger to your marriage and that will become apparent when you two have your first real bad fight. It is not if you have a real bad fight but when. The OM just has to wait and keep in contact with your wife then he can have a chance to make a move.*

You wife has proven that she can go to another man when she has been estranged from you and a real good fight can put you both in an estranged situation.

You have a lot going for you do not take any chances
Better to be safe than sorry!


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## sammy3

OP. 
I just hope in the future when you don't meet her needs, she doesn't "affair out" on you again...

IMHO,your marriage from this day forward will not just be an easy flowing marriage, as there will always now be "the work" that has to be always be done. Not, bad, but... it's always going to have the reason 'why' it is...Yes, it can be better, and hopefully it will be for both, but what is important, it sounds like you both want to do it. You both want to make it work. 

-sammy

good luck!


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## indiecat

If he is texting her you need to call him and tell him to f%^k off and don't call your wife again.


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## FrustratedFL

_She has been open about him recently because he is constantly texting her. It got to the point where he is creeping her out. 
_

What type of phone does she have? If android, get on her phone and download SMS backup app from play store. If apple, find an equivalent app.

Install on her phone - in settings, set the output files to go to a specific folder in *YOUR *private email account. It will send a backup of every text message she sends and receives to your email account. The program runs in background and shows no signs other than in the cache setting (Memory). 

I would trust but verify since I do not buy that it is creeping her completely out. 

good luck!


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## Mr Blunt

If you put a block on his number texting you will that stop the texts?

How about getting a new number; will that put a stop to his texting yur wife?


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## nickgtg

There's no excuse for any type of contact. Block the number, or get a new number. If there is still contact it's because it's wanted.

Do not accept any excuses from her.


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## poppyseed

Mr Blunt said:


> You two seem to be way ahead in the R department for a couple that has one month behind them. Stay on your toes because after the first honeymoon year the motivation will drop off.
> 
> You wife has proven that she can go to another man when she has been estranged from you...
> 
> You have a lot going for you do not take any chances
> Better to be safe than sorry!


The old saying "Once a cheater..." comes to my mind. Love is definitely not logical but certainly, wish you all the best (at least you tried to see if that works). :smthumbup:


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