# Tired of being roommates!



## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

So after 8 years of marriage my wife and I are to the point where the relationship has become very roommate like - and I don't want that! I have always stated that I would not be a good roommate to anyone(very picky about my things)and therefore have never had one growing up, and so I still don't want one at this point in my life and have talked about this with her several times. We have also talked about counseling and/or separating for the coming year, and either one or both of those things are going to HAVE to take place and soon.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

I have actually started ribbing her by calling her "Aunt Dee" for the past few months, because of the fact she has been half hugging me and trying to give me the cheek when I go to kiss her much like my aunt would do(and should do). I told her that hugs and kisses are very important even if the sex has tapered way off, and that if we can't even do that then maybe it is time to move on because I refuse to be in a cold marriage.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Wing Man said:


> I have actually started ribbing her by calling her "Aunt Dee" for the past few months, because of the fact she has been half hugging me and trying to give me the cheek when I go to kiss her much like my aunt would do(and should do). I told her that hugs and kisses are very important even if the sex has tapered way off, and that if we can't even do that then maybe it is time to move on because I refuse to be in a cold marriage.


And how does she respond to that?


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

Theseus said:


> And how does she respond to that?


It really ticks her off and she says "ooooh stop calling me that"!


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

My h is a very touchy feely guy. He needs that physical connection in order to feel loved. After I had my son I had my fill of physical touch and by the end of the day I was touched out. I wanted space and time to myself. It wasn't that I did not enjoy it I just felt smothered by it all. 

After I realized how important touch was for him I learned to give myself that space I needed throughout the day instead. Taking breaks here and there to regroup and then when my H came home I was ready for more. 

It has made a world of difference for us. Perhaps your wife feels similar?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Stop with the hugs and trying to kiss her. If she has no response to that after a couple of weeks, you will have your answer to what needs to be done next.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> My h is a very touchy feely guy. He needs that physical connection in order to feel loved. After I had my son I had my fill of physical touch and by the end of the day I was touched out. I wanted space and time to myself. It wasn't that I did not enjoy it I just felt smothered by it all.
> 
> After I realized how important touch was for him I learned to give myself that space I needed throughout the day instead. Talking breaks here and there to regroup and then when my H came home I was ready for more.
> 
> It has made a world of difference for us. Perhaps your wife feels similar?


My wife is a person that before me really hadn't had anyone totally stand up to her and call her out on stuff, and during arguments when I am furious I have called her out on stuff many times and I think she is still holding onto some of it. So as a result she has become a bit colder to me and stand offish, even though I always try and put aside all the terrible things she has said to me and get back to lovin each other.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Wing Man said:


> My wife is a person that before me really hadn't had anyone totally stand up to her and call her out on stuff, and during arguments when I am furious I have called her out on stuff many times and I think she is still holding onto some of it. So as a result she has become a bit colder to me and stand offish, even though I always try and put aside all the terrible things she has said to me and get back to lovin each other.


Words can be the deadliest sword.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Women aren't like men (duh). Correct me if I am wrong, but don't you, as a man, get much of your emotional needs met through sex? Thus you can move past harsh words because sex is where you get refueled.

Women, on the other hand, need their emotional needs met first, then they feel the physical attraction. Why we are so opposite I have not figured out, makes it so difficult. But this is why it is so much harder for women to forget mean words or actions. They cut us deep and it takes a lot to heal them. We cannot just forget it and then feel sexual desire again unless you go the extra mile to help us heal the pain. You can do this through sincere apologies, validating our "feelings", going out of your way to show us your love so we can "feel" it. 

Women need to feel as if their H is emotionally safe for them, that their man is an emotionally soft place for them to land. This is essential, unfortunately with long term relationships there can be a lot of water under that bridge. But it is not hopeless. Put forth the effort and you will be rewarded.

Perhaps that is what has happened here? After years of her emotional needs not being met, she has run dry.

Do you tell her how beautiful she is? Look at her as if you adore her? Do you make her "feel" as if she is loved?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

JustHer said:


> Women aren't like men (duh). Correct me if I am wrong, but don't you, as a man, get much of your emotional needs met through sex? Thus you can move past harsh words because sex is where you get refueled.
> 
> Women, on the other hand, need their emotional needs met first, then they feel the physical attraction. Why we are so opposite I have not figured out, makes it so difficult. But this is why it is so much harder for women to forget mean words or actions. They cut us deep and it takes a lot to heal them. We cannot just forget it and then feel sexual desire again unless you go the extra mile to help us heal the pain. You can do this through sincere apologies, validating our "feelings", going out of your way to show us your love so we can "feel" it.
> 
> ...


I don't think that it is necessarily true that men harvest their emotional needs through sex. 

Their is so much more than just sex to feel emotionally connected. The passion, the affirmations, the gestures of kindness all can make a huge impact on ones emotions. 

He could be having duty sex every day and still not be emotionally nor physically satisfied. Just saying...


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

JustHer said:


> Women aren't like men (duh). Correct me if I am wrong, but don't you, as a man, get much of your emotional needs met through sex? Thus you can move past harsh words because sex is where you get refueled.
> 
> Women, on the other hand, need their emotional needs met first, then they feel the physical attraction. Why we are so opposite I have not figured out, makes it so difficult. But this is why it is so much harder for women to forget mean words or actions. They cut us deep and it takes a lot to heal them. We cannot just forget it and then feel sexual desire again unless you go the extra mile to help us heal the pain. You can do this through sincere apologies, validating our "feelings", going out of your way to show us your love so we can "feel" it.
> 
> ...


All I ask is to be equally met in the middle because we are both at fault, and if that's not possible then it might be time to move on.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I don't think that it is necessarily true that men harvest their emotional needs through sex.
> 
> Their is so much more than just sex to feel emotionally connected. The passion, the affirmations, the gestures of kindness all can make a huge impact on ones emotions.
> 
> He could be having duty sex every day and still not be emotionally nor physically satisfied. Just saying...


True, and I was not talking about duty sex. Didn't want to write a book, but yes, men need their woman to "want" them.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Wing Man said:


> All I ask is to be equally met in the middle because we are both at fault, and if that's not possible then it might be time to move on.


This is how it should be. But what are you doing to make things better? Why don't you try asking her if she not only knows that you love her but if she really feels your love? Might bring up an interesting conversation.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

JustHer said:


> This is how it should be. But what are you doing to make things better? Why don't you try asking her if she not only knows that you love her but if she really feels your love? Might bring up an interesting conversation.


We have talked about everything under the sun until we are blue in the face and(I'm a guy who carries his emotions on his sleeve), but so far nothing is getting through or working very well.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You still aren't answering the question - what are "you" "doing"? There is a purpose behind my question.

Do you know her love language? Are you speaking to her in her love language?
Does she know yours, and is she speaking to you in yours?
Are you throwing little jibes at her when she doesn't do what you want or need or are you holding your tongue and showing her respect and kindness even when it is hard?
Do you look deep into her eyes with that "you are the most beautiful woman in the world" look? Do you caress her face with a wanton look on yours?

If you are doing all this and nothing is changing, then you need to go to counseling. But I am going to guess that more than likely the two of you are both expressing your needs but the other is not hearing it and so neither one of you are getting your needs met. You both are building resentment because you talk and talk and talk and nothing ever changes. So you make little comments trying to get the other to change - or, you just give up. I have seen people say that they hold their emotions on their sleeve and the way they show it is by pouting and/or getting pissy to let their partner know that they have failed and it is all their fault why this person is not happy, all while not doing a thing on their end to speak their partners love language. Not saying this is you, just looking at all angles. 

My point is, quit talking and doing. Sit down together and take the 5 love language quiz. Then each of you express how their love language can be expressed by the other person. Then DO it.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

JustHer said:


> You still aren't answering the question - what are "you" "doing"? There is a purpose behind my question.
> 
> Do you know her love language? Are you speaking to her in her love language?
> Does she know yours, and is she speaking to you in yours?
> ...


Every situation is different and we are both to blame for our problems, and in the coming year we will either have to seek counseling or seek a way out of this marriage.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Wing Man said:


> Every situation is different and we are both to blame for our problems, and in the coming year we will either have to seek counseling or seek a way out of this marriage.


It sounds like you have got a plan. See how it goes. A happy marriage requires a ton of effort. Don't be fooled into thinking there is an easier way. 

A new relationship may seem more appealing, but 8 years down the road you'll be in the same situation if you don't discover what the root of the problem is now, fix it and learn from it.


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