# Am i being too jealous?



## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Well, ive been unemployed for some time now, and im getting back to work, my wife and i spend a lot of time together, she ays she wants her privacy and time for her, that i had plenty of that time while i was at home. The thing is, she talks on the phone to her friends, but she doesnt do that near me at all, she always close the door or go outside to do that, i dont like that, she says im always trying to overhear her conversation, thats why she does that.
Another thing, she has a lot of male friends, although i think its reasonable for her to have male friends, as i have my female friends too, i dont like that she has too much of them, and they are always texting or calling her. She spends a lot of her time with me, but she seems distant, answering to texts or just reading it, i may have become a little paranoid i know, not sure what i can do.
She never gave me reason not to trust her, but i agree im kinda jealous when she goes out to talk on the phone or when i need her phone to call someone and she doesnt borrow coz i will "snoop" her stuff...
I dont know what to say to her, how to talk to her. And i dont know if i should just let it be and try not worrying about that...


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

BS!!! If she is having conversations which she can't have in front of you, there is something wrong.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Akira said:


> Well, ive been unemployed for some time now, and im getting back to work, my wife and i spend a lot of time together, she ays she wants her privacy and time for her, that i had plenty of that time while i was at home. The thing is, she talks on the phone to her friends, but she doesnt do that near me at all, she always close the door or go outside to do that, i dont like that, she says im always trying to overhear her conversation, thats why she does that.
> Another thing, she has a lot of male friends, although i think its reasonable for her to have male friends, as i have my female friends too, i dont like that she has too much of them, and they are always texting or calling her. She spends a lot of her time with me, but she seems distant, answering to texts or just reading it, i may have become a little paranoid i know, not sure what i can do.
> She never gave me reason not to trust her, but i agree im kinda jealous when she goes out to talk on the phone or when i need her phone to call someone and she doesnt borrow coz i will "snoop" her stuff...
> I dont know what to say to her, how to talk to her. And i dont know if i should just let it be and try not worrying about that...


I don't know the "feel" of your situation, but I always used the phone in privacy as well. Whenever I get a phone call, I always go to a private area away from people to talk regardless of who I'm around; that's just me, and everybody in my family is that way. I can concentrate on the conversation more. Actually, I think it's weird when people sit around other people and blab on the phone, but that's just me.

It's funny, because I have read those "signs of cheating" before, and when I was married, I actually displayed some of them, but it was just due to me being an introvert. I've been know to click things off the computer when people walk in the room simply because I don't like people standing over my shoulder while I'm on, even though I'm probably just looking at a classic music site. 

I don't think that action alone is a sign something is wrong, maybe she's just a weirdo like me.:rofl: As I said, i don't know the feel of your situation. I suppose you have to look at whether it's odd behavior for her. Is it suspicious behavior for her, or has she always been that way? Does she act suspicious if you come around while she's on the phone? I will say; however, that her having a lot of male friends would raise an eyebrow.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If your wife won't give you access to her phone and won't have conversations with other men on the phone in your presence then something inappropriate is going on.

Get your hands on that phone, check the phone records.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Well, she didnt change her behaviour with me, she is still sweet and caring with me, she just feels really wierd when it comes to privacy, she doesnt share her feelings, she is really shy, the kind of girl that feels ashamade being naked. And as far as i know, those friends are online friends, most of them she had never met. Some of those friends are from her life before me too.
That plus me being unemplyed and having nothing to do may have something to do with my jealousy. And i may be a little insecure coz i gaind a lot of weight and she is way younger, im not sure. im 32 she is 24.
Im not sure about getting my hands on her phone, she respects my privacy, i think i should respect hers, i dont want to listen to all her conversations or read all her emails, if she wants to do something she will and if she is good ill never know. Plus, i dont want to dig her texts and find her asking her friends some advice about her relationship with me, that would be awckward.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like you need to some investigating. While having male friends can work in some marriages, what never works is when the male friends are kept in secret and conversing/texting with this is a higher priority for her than being with you.

At home she shouldn't be hiding away to text or chat with male friends. She should be putting the phone down and spending time with you. That's why you are together -you both chose to spend your lives together. You didn't choose to just be living in the same house bumping into one another when there was nothing better to do.


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

I talked to her about it and she doesnt seem to understand, but what bothers me is that she goes outside the house to talk on the phone, i know its about privacy, but i do hate that. She was always wierd about privacy tho... maybe its just her... and i have to adapt? Well, i never tried to listen to her conversations on the phone but sometimes we do listen even if we are not trying, i dont know if im just being paranoid, im really confused... as you can see on my posts... lol


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> It sounds like you need to some investigating. While having male friends can work in some marriages, what never works is when the male friends are kept in secret and conversing/texting with this is a higher priority for her than being with you.
> 
> At home she shouldn't be hiding away to text or chat with male friends. She should be putting the phone down and spending time with you. That's why you are together -you both chose to spend your lives together. You didn't choose to just be living in the same house bumping into one another when there was nothing better to do.


She doesnt spend more time on the phone, its just i feel wierd whenever she goes outside to talk on the phone... she does spend time with me...
Long story short, im confused... maybe its coz i spent too long doing nothing at home... getting back to work may be good...


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

i just fought with her, we had a strong argument, she said she is tired of me pressuring her, that she needs space, coz i went to her when she answered the phone talking to a friend... like "oh hahahaha, that must be good..." and i felt wierd about that... so i confronted her... i shouldnt have, i asked her "who is that" she told me "excuse me, im on the phone" and i insisted "who is that?" she told me it was a friend having pizza in front of the tv...


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

so we fought over it and she told me she asked for space and i didnt give it to her... that she wanted to be on a dance club now talking to her friends and not home, that she is tired... well... i may have screwed it up... im kinda... depressed...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wait, she gies to dance clubs without you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Wait, she gies to dance clubs without you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no she doesnt


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

KanDo said:


> BS!!! If she is having conversations which she can't have in front of you, there is something wrong.


Maybe she's venting about him and his jealousy.


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Maybe she's venting about him and his jealousy.


yeah... pretty much, she thinks i overeacted and was rude to her while she was on the phone, coz i... well, i was rude... and she wasnt hiding that conversation...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The two of you need to agree on the difference between privacy and secrecy.

Privacy is what you have when you close the bathroom door.

Secrecy is what you hide from your SO because you know they would leave you or be rightfully angry if they knew it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> The two of you need to agree on the difference between privacy and secrecy.
> 
> Privacy is what you have when you close the bathroom door.
> 
> ...


She is really pissed at me now, i dont know how to aproach her or if i should leave her be... for now...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Leave her alone until she settles down. Mean while start reading up on more more mr.nice guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

I am the type of person that even when speaking with family I go into another room. I find it rude talking infront of someone because I am ignoring them. It also takes away from the other persons enjoyment of what they are doing, such as watching tv or reading.

I would only be concerned if she was not open about who she was speaking with. Someone who is open will probably share stories about the conversation like "You will never guess what Rick....."

Hope she has cooled down and you can talk it out.


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Leave her alone until she settles down. Mean while start reading up on more more mr.nice guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


and what is that? (mr nice guy) sorry, im not native english speaker... am i being nice guy? too nice?


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## Akira (Oct 24, 2011)

misticli said:


> I am the type of person that even when speaking with family I go into another room. I find it rude talking infront of someone because I am ignoring them. It also takes away from the other persons enjoyment of what they are doing, such as watching tv or reading.
> 
> I would only be concerned if she was not open about who she was speaking with. Someone who is open will probably share stories about the conversation like "You will never guess what Rick....."
> 
> Hope she has cooled down and you can talk it out.


she says she doesnt feel good talking on the phone coz im always overhearing her conversations, and she feels better when she has her privacy... well, sometimes when she is talking on the phone, and im going to talk to her, i hear what she is saying, but not the entire f...ing conversation, one sentence, maybe two, and i make a joke about it and tell her what i need, than i go back to do what i was doing, that doesnt mean that i want to keep track of everything she does...

and no, she doesnt hide from me who she is talking to, i dont know her friends tho...


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

The fact that you do not know the friends is bothersome, why not plan a get together or dinner? If the relationship was headed in a platonic manner the guys should have no issue with that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

misticli said:


> I am the type of person that even when speaking with family I go into another room. I find it rude talking infront of someone because I am ignoring them. It also takes away from the other persons enjoyment of what they are doing, such as watching tv or reading.
> 
> I would only be concerned if she was not open about who she was speaking with. Someone who is open will probably share stories about the conversation like "You will never guess what Rick....."
> 
> Hope she has cooled down and you can talk it out.


Rude is keeping secrets from your spouse. Refusing to tell your spouse who you're talking to is a major red flag.

OP is being a doormat, how is that working out for him and the marriage. This is going to be a disaster soon.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Rude is keeping secrets from your spouse. Refusing to tell your spouse who you're talking to is a major red flag.
> 
> OP is being a doormat, how is that working out for him and the marriage. This is going to be a disaster soon.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
The OP should go with his gut. Something is wrong.


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## ghadi (Jul 31, 2012)

Jealousy is one of the common causes why marriage fails. I recommend a book were it teaches on how to save marriages.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Akira

It could be signs of cheating...or it could be as other people have pointed out just the way she prefers to hold her phone conversations. 

Personally I feel you either trust your partner or don't. If you need to go through her computer accounts, phone or the like to re-assure yourself nothing untoward is going on than it means you don't trust her and shouldn't be in a relationship with her...whether she's guilty of any improprieties or not. However, I get the sense I may be in the minority in feeling this way. 

Trust is critical in a committed relationship. Maybe I'm a fool but I trust everyone until they establish they can't be trusted...rather than the other way around.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

stale thread


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

It doesn't sound like a cheating situation IMO. My wife will go in our bedroom with the phone regardless of who she is on with, most of the time her friend or sister, and be in there for hours BSing. It doesn't bother me and it also makes a little sense - to be yapping while the rest of the family is watching TV is distracting to everyone. So I wouldn't jump to conclusions with that on face value. 

Secondly, even with male friends (something that I would personally have an issue with, but if you're cool with it, I tip,my hat), she would have to have balls like church bells to be speaking with her SO with you in the next room.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

MrK said:


> stale thread


Good point!


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## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

I had a previous marriage where my husband had a FIT about me having telephone conversations with other people (men or women), because I thought it was considerate to go outside or in the other room. I like to focus on my conversations. Anyway, as irritated as I was, I tried to talk in front of him. Then would come the barrage of questions, "what did you mean by xxx....." etc. I became so terribly resentful of him, because I had never done ANYTHING that was even close to flirting, cheating....NOTHING. 

In my opinion, this sounds like an insecurity that you have. We all have them, but its your issue...not hers. You are going to push her away with this, especially if you push and dig and 'investigate', with no reason to do so. Be careful, jealousy is ugly.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Turns out she was banging several guys.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/41718-2-weeks-separated.html

Although she was a real prude with her husband.


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