# Help my husband won't stop lying about military involvement...



## Helpme30 (Apr 6, 2017)

Hi so I am a married woman with 2 kids one is mine other my husband but my husband has been involved since day 1 of my pregnancy... So after a little background picture this I am pregnant on my 32nd week head over heels in love with him and I find out through his dad he was never military. Much to my surprise I was shocked and dumfounded just because I never ever even cared about him having military involvement but to have been lied about it felt all the more surreal like I was dealing with. Nut..When I confronted him he was so sorrowful and he said I must be retarded as in himself and I as his fiance at the time always knew he had a learning curve growing up so the fact he admitted it gave me an excuse to keep going and many other reasons in the name of love. A few years later we have been on rough time financially emotionally and even mentally.. I feel for him just because I feel he was never raised right and he seems capable of learning but he seemed to have been repressed somehow growing up and it carries to his adulthood... Well tonight I was looking at his activities on Facebook and saw 2 or 3 comments to Random threads boasting about his so called military history and I just can't get why he continues to make this crap up.. I know he is insecure and I know his self worth is shot but I want to know what I should do to stop and help this insane problem he has... Help


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would be worried what else is he lying about. Lying about being in the military to steal some honor is so low.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

Helpme30 said:


> Hi so I am a married woman with 2 kids one is mine other my husband but my husband has been involved since day 1 of my pregnancy... So after a little background picture this I am pregnant on my 32nd week head over heels in love with him and I find out through his dad he was never military. Much to my surprise I was shocked and dumfounded just because I never ever even cared about him having military involvement but to have been lied about it felt all the more surreal like I was dealing with. Nut..When I confronted him he was so sorrowful and he said I must be retarded as in himself and I as his fiance at the time always knew he had a learning curve growing up so the fact he admitted it gave me an excuse to keep going and many other reasons in the name of love. A few years later we have been on rough time financially emotionally and even mentally.. I feel for him just because I feel he was never raised right and he seems capable of learning but he seemed to have been repressed somehow growing up and it carries to his adulthood... Well tonight I was looking at his activities on Facebook and saw 2 or 3 comments to Random threads boasting about his so called military history and I just can't get why he continues to make this crap up.. I know he is insecure and I know his self worth is shot but I want to know what I should do to stop and help this insane problem he has... Help


Hi @Helpme30

Thanks for your message and being so honest here. 

I know this must be hard to deal - particularly the lying because it's probably questioning your trust to some extent. 

You're absolutely right in terms of his self worth being shot. You see, for me, significance/feeling special and unique is extremely important! In fact, I would say it's the single most important thing for a guy and if he feels like he's not living up to that, you'd be amazed at what men will do feel that way. They will make up stories, act in peculiar ways just to meet that need and in your case, lie about having military involvement. 

I think the first thing here for you is to find true compassion and empathy in your heart for what he is going through. When his self worth is shot, in his eyes, he amounts to nothing in his world. It's sad but it happens so often. The challenge here is that, whilst men need to feel special/important etc they battle with the idea of getting assistance from other people because they want to do it all themselves. This leaves them in an even bigger hole...

So the question I have for you is - how can you make him feel special? Does he have some skill that you can reaffirm to him? You can play your part in healing some of his wounds. Find ways to make him feel significant, unique, special etc so that he creates some positive associations using your time together. If you can strike the right cords, then change can occur in him. The key though is to make sure you don't feel like he is a charity case. This will push him away even more. 

Now, should he take responsibility for creating all of this? Absolutely he should. Should he step up to the plate? Absolutely he should. However, as we all know, sometimes in life, things don't pan out as we hope. 

I hope this all makes sense and if you have any further queries, please let me know.

Cheers
Sri


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is apparently far more common than most realize. Some people have a need to make up lies in an attempt to make themselves seem like a more interesting person. They have low self esteem so they fabricate things that they think will make themselves look better to others.

Hopefully he had not gone so far as to create false paperwork, falsely wear uniforms, medals, etc. as that can be illegal.

I know someone who fabricate an entire story about their time in Vietnam. He was in the Army. But not in Viet Nam. I think he took stories that others in the Military told him and made them his own. I found out because his sister told me. I did confront him and after that he no longer brings it up when I can hear what he's talking about. But I'm pretty sure he still tells his lies to people who do not know the truth about him.

I also had a counselor once who told me that she had a client who did this. I figured out who he was. I used to drive by his home every day going home from work. Even his house was decorated with military insignia. 

Here is some reading for you.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_imposter

Faking military duty is easy; unmasking ?why? is more complex ? The Denver Post


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, this is really sad, that he feels so bad about himself that he feels he cannot be honest about himself.

I would definitely insist he be honest with himself, even if you have to go on those FB pages and gently but clearly tell the truth. It does not help him to continue in his lies. He needs to see that you and others value him just the way he is, military career or not.

Here's another thought: Would it be too late for him to start a military career? That might be a way for him to earn his own respect, which is probably part of what is lacking.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I have a relative that claimed he was in Vietnam, but he wasn't. He wasn't in the military at all. He lied about it for many, many years. His lies did not stop there either. The lies escalated and he was estranged from everyone. He would just move on to people that didn't know any of his family members (outside of the state), and continue the lies with them. I truly believe that he's a con man. 

This is quite the lie; I'd be concerned about what else he's lying about and if it'll escalate. He lies because he's getting attention from it. He may think twice about it when he actually is held accountable & has consequences of it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

HelpMe,

I've also seen this behavior with construction workers often they hear real stories from others who are more modest and then adopt them as their own. They end up being laughing stocks. It's sorta opposite to the cliche that "the only person who knows you are wearing a fake rolex is you", this type of liar thinks they have everyone fooled.

I would be concerned that he is medicating his self esteem with other women.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Look up "stolen valor" and show it to your husband. How would he feel about going to jail for a few years for lying about military service?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

And if he really wants to continue to tell people he served, then let him experience it. Pack up your stuff and move to the other side of the world for a couple of years. Have a few LTR with some other guys you meet, you know, because you are lonely. Then come back and act like nothing has changed!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

When I was a kid one of my buddies got into wearing military clothes and I never thought a thing about it. One day we were over at another kids house and his dad comes home (WW2 vet) and proceeds the chew the **** out of our friend dressed in his Army clothes. The father (who became a good friend of mine later in life) was truly visibly upset and insulted that this kid would "pretend" he was a soldier. Honest to god it was at that moment I realized what true patriotism was and how the flag and armed services should be respected. 

Your husband deserves an ass kicking.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Cooper said:


> Your husband deserves an ass kicking.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would consider getting private I and find out what else he is lying about.

But start gathering info on your own as the more info you have, the cheaper the services of a PI. And don't discuss this with his parents unless they raise the issue first.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

jld said:


> Here's another thought: Would it be too late for him to start a military career? That might be a way for him to earn his own respect, which is probably part of what is lacking.


Yeah, I think there is an age limit; but good idea.


OP, how about him at least being in the army reserve for a weekend a month. Then there's an actual chance that he might have to go and get his ass shot at in a war.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confabulation




> In psychiatry, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a disturbance of memory, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted, or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.[1] Individuals who confabulate present incorrect memories ranging from "subtle alterations to bizarre fabrications",[2] and are generally very confident about their recollections, despite contradictory evidence.[3]



^^^Any chance that he actually thinks he is telling the truth, when he tells these porkies?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> I've also seen this behavior with construction workers often they hear real stories from others who are more modest and then adopt them as their own.



People make up lies about having been a construction worker?:scratchhead:


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> TAMAT said:
> 
> 
> > I've also seen this behavior with construction workers often they hear real stories from others who are more modest and then adopt them as their own.
> ...


Village People?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd say that it's about time for a little "Come to Jesus Meeting" to get to the very bottom of this "military service fabrication" of his!

Add to that any other suspicious yarns associated with what he's told you about himself!

Sounds as if he may be overcompensating for a serious lack of self-esteem!*


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

He certainly has a character flaw and I'd try to be cognizant of it worsening over time. Nonetheless unless he's trying to obtain a tangible benefit it's not stolen valor.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Helpme30 said:


> and I find out through his dad he was never military. Much to my surprise I was shocked and dumfounded


If he isn't honest then he isn't trustworthy and your instincts are right. First off it makes you lose respect for him but secondly it lets you know he will re-write history at will to make himself look better. The bottom line is that your husband is not worthy of being married to you or anyone else because liars are not marriage material.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Helpme has your H stopped lying about military service?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Did he go out on Memorial weekend and try to get free meals/drinks?


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

@MAJDEATH

Don't think the OP is coming back.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Did he go out on Memorial weekend and try to get free meals/drinks?


Since the OP has not come back, this is being said in a broader more general sense, but with the current climate in the US, and pretty much ever since Sept 11, 2001, claiming to be military is the fastest, easiest way to get adulations and become an instant hero by default...no effort needed, no questions asked.

The uniform does not make one a hero. It's what one does while wearing the uniform that does.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> People make up lies about having been a construction worker?:scratchhead:


They take interesting and exciting stories that happened to other construction workers and claim them for their own.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

rockon said:


> @MAJDEATH
> 
> Don't think the OP is coming back.


You may be right. The reason I am so aggressive about stolen valor issues is because of all the crap I had to deal with in my career. Death, betrayal, emotional destruction, etc, and that was just from within our own ranks. It's not all fame and glamor like how it's portrayed on the screen.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> notmyrealname4 said:
> 
> 
> > People make up lies about having been a construction worker?
> ...


Do they whistle at every hot woman that walks by? I joke, but in many surveys women select construction workers as the most sexy occupation for men, followed by police/fire and military.


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