# New partner wants me to quit having contact with ex



## georgewenger (Sep 23, 2010)

Hi you all

I have a serious problem which is bothering me for months.
3 Years ago, I met a woman from Canada, during my 6 months sabbatical here in Canada. I'm living in Europe. Shortly before my sabbatical, my then partner and I decided to split up. We both still have contact every now and then and we respect each other, also because she has a daughter of 17 years and her daughter Sibille means a lot to me. She's not my biological daughter though, I met my former partner when her daugther was 4 years old.

On holidays like Christmas or easter, my expartner and her daugther usually invite me over for lunch and then we chat a little bit alltogether and play cardbordgames. 

Now with my new partner from Canada, I actually want to invite her to my country in Europe. So far, it was always me coming over to Canada.

The problem I'm facing is, that my new partner has a very strong aversion against my expartner and my rare contacts to her in general. To be clear, I don't visit them a lot. That's probably every two months or on holidays like easter and christmas.


My new partner wants me to completely blank out my former partner. Meaning she wants me to completey stay away from the apartement where my former partner and her daughter live. Even phone calls are very difficult for my new partner to accept. If my former partner wants to ask me something regarding her daughter, that wouldn't be possible anymore. I guess it has to do that my new partner can't understand what we are talking about on the phone. If I want to call my stepdaughter Sibille, my new partner suggested that I call her on her mobile phone instead of their home line. She is afraid that I would get her mother on the line.

My new partner from Canada hates my ex-partner as she told me, even though she has never seen her and never talked to her. All because she knows that I still have some contact with my former partner. On one hand, I can understand my new partner, as she was never in my country yet and it's probably very difficult to trust from a long distance.

My point is, a daughter has always a mother. And as long Sibille lives with her mother, I can't completely blank out and abandon her mother. That's simply not possible and I don't even want to completely avoid my former partner as we still respect each other.

My new partner tells me that it's not about the daugther, that it's about her mother. I know it wouldn't work trying to maintain contact with her daughter and avoid her mother completely.

For my expartners daugther Sibille, it's important, even tough she's already 17 years old, to have a contact to another adult like me as she told once. As she has lost contact with her biological father. And she really suffered from that, not having contact with her biological father anymore. Therefore, it's even more important for me to take responsability and give Sibille the security she needs, and that involves as well dealing with her mother and my former expartner.

I just want to know, If I'm really dead wrong with my views towards how I maintain contact with my former partner and the way I see it. I know, everybody sees it a little bit different.

Thank you a lot for your feedback


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

You have to talk to your new partner about this and find out how important it is to her and then be honest with yourself about how important your new partner is to you. If you think that the new partner just isn't worth it or that she can't deal with your previous and current relationship with your older partner and you must maintain contact then there in lies the answer.


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## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

No, you aren't. Your partner has been cheated on before, and she blames contact with the ex, rather than.. he felt like cheating.
Simply put, there is no amount of control and pressure you can apply on your partner to keep them from cheating on you, period.

They will or they won't. As much as they may think "If only I could had my ex do... they wouldn't have cheated on me ^_^" - no.

A relationship without cheating requires a continual strong bond. All badgering your significant other about their company does is drive a wedge between the two of you.

The only person who can keep an eye on cheating is you. If *you* start feeling yourself attracted to your ex again, you should be careful not to ignore this. While jealously guarding your boyfriend/girlfriend won't prevent cheating, it doesn't mean you're incapable of it. Everyone is. You are the only person who can monitor the signs. And you should always be mindful of that.

If there's nothing there, then you're right. There is no reason for you to sever contact. If there is something there, then your current girlfriend is right, and you need to walk away.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If my math is right, you were the primary male figure in this child's life for 10 years, which represents the majority of her memory. Even though you don't share DNA with this kid, you might well be the closest thing this child has to a father figure. My ex and I married when her son was 3. We divorced about 5 years later, but he and I never did. He's 30 and I'm the only dad he knows. He's going to be part of my life forever and that's just the way it is. I don't sit around chatting with his mother, but while he was a minor, I had to communicate with her occasionally because we essentially shared the parenting of this child. 
I do realize the queaziness your partner would naturally feel over you hanging out with your ex. I wouldn't like my wife to be hanging around her's. The simple fact is, a child's involved and you don't abandon kids. People anticipating divorce need to realize that married or not, if they have children together, they're never going to be completely free of each other. After the kids are grown, there will likely be grandkids. You're going to have to see each other, hear about each other, and have some level of communication until one of you dies. I don't lay in bed whispering sweet nothings over the phone to my ex, but we will occasionally talk or see each other. Kids have graduations. They go to the hospital. They get married. They have birthdays.
Youre current girlfriend is just going to have to accept this fact or confine herself to dating men without kids. Out of respect for my wife and for my ex's current marriage, I don't sneak around talking to my ex. If I have to talk to the ex, I make sure my wife knows. I keep that transparency there so nobody gets funny ideas or gets worried. Maybe if you introduced your current partner, to your ex and her daughter, your girlfriend would see there's no reason to be concerned or jealous. If she saw how great this daughter was, she might encourage you to increase contact with her.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You were a huge part of this child's life, and it sounds like you and she have created and nurtured a strong bond. Your new partner should be willing to understand this. 

While I can understand she might have some reservations, it seems to me that she should give you the benefit of the doubt. 

It seems to me that you might have to decide who is more important to you: your (basically) stepdaughter or your new partner. If you really feel you can't choose, then perhaps you'll have to be honest with your former partner and explain that while you want to be there for her daughter, but that out of respect for your new partner, you can only maintain contact with the daughter and not the mother. It won't be easy, but you have to figure out what's best for everyone.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Your new partner (np) has some issues to work out. Calmly tell her that contact with your step-daughter is NOT negotiable. NP either trusts you or she does not. YOU know you want to keep the relationship with the teen going, and have no reason to shun her mom. You can decide how much to take if np keeps harping on it once you tell her it is not open for discussion, and you will learn a lot about her depending on the way she handles it. She eithers lets go of it (b/c she cannot control it, and letting go is all she can/should do), or she doesn't. If she doesn't, your word does not mean much to her. Do you need any more evidence of np's suitability, if she cannot let go?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Your new partner (np) has some issues to work out. Calmly tell her that contact with your step-daughter is NOT negotiable. NP either trusts you or she does not. YOU know you want to keep the relationship with the teen going, and have no reason to shun her mom. You can decide how much to take if np keeps harping on it once you tell her it is not open for discussion, and you will learn a lot about her depending on the way she handles it. She eithers lets go of it (b/c she cannot control it, and letting go is all she can/should do), or she doesn't. If she doesn't, your word does not mean much to her. Do you need any more evidence of np's suitability, if she cannot let go?


I agree. This is about a CHILD. She NEEDS the support she has come to expect and need.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ask her that if, in the future, you both were to have children, and somewhere down the line you split up, wouldn't she want you to be there for the kids? And that would mean having to have some semblance of a cordial relationship with her, too.
I think how you're keeping a good fatherly relationship with this girl is very admirable, as I believe that all young women should have a good male role model in their lives.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If a woman would abandon her child, I personally would avoid her like the plague. What are the odds that she would stay committed to me if she could abandon a child? Similarly, I think remaining dedicated to a child that's not even technically his identifies the OP as an honorable, steadfast man that a woman should feel confident and secure with.


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