# Happy 35th and many more to come- love ^&*%#*@



## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

My title here is what my stbxh wrote on my bouquet flowers on our last anniversary. And yes he was already deep in his affair for a year.

So I figured it was time to change my tread from "thinking about" to "going through".

I know I will probably get some strong words if not the 2x4 alongside my head (I think I need it) but I am really questioning what the heck I’m doing? The min I found out about this last affair I knew I had to take that fatal move and get myself a lawyer and file for D. I could no longer let him be the one that controls me and our marriage.

For those of you that know a little about my story you know that it has been years and years of infidelity as well as emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

So why now 6 months into it and after I haven’t really heard anything from him for a couple of weeks am I missing him so much? On our last fight he was violent and a bully. Yet he also cried and said he was miserable and getting his just desserts and he was sure how happy I was. Me in my passivism assured him that I wished him no ill (ugh.. yet kind of true..-although I do wish this OW would kick him out so he would have to go to his drunk sisters) and told him to try and stop making me feel sorry for him and go enjoy his life and the choices he has made. I laid in bed crying last night thinking I gave him my blessing and now he is doing just that.

oh don’t worry, I wouldn’t take him back... but why oh why do I miss the jerk so much.....why cant I just get him out of my head. I try.. I take my own advice and think about positive things, I get out. I went to a concert Sat night, had fun... But Sunday all I wanted was my H to love me and cherish me and hold me. I don’t want to be going through this!! I don’t want a Divorce... yes I need one... but I don’t want one!!! As hard as it was to have him texting, emailing, coming over all the time, I guess I was reassured that he still wanted me...That he would cheat on the OW just as fast as he has cheated on me all these years... Now I think, maybe he is happy, maybe im giving him just what he wanted and the only way I’m hurting him is in his wallet.

He sent me one email last week- it was a forward about recalled tuna. Guess he doesn’t want to see me poisoned.
He sent me one text yesterday about wanting to take the dogs for a couple hours (first time he has asked- but my phone was on Vibrate in my purse and I never got it until this morning). I think he wanted to see them before he goes away on his 2 week vacation. I feel guilty....why....?:scratchhead:

As depressed as I feel about it all, I’m still strong. I still know what I have to do and I’m doing it.. I know that it’s for the best I’m not seeing him or hearing from him (wondering if he's doing the 180- lol). I’ve come a long way from that woman that had to call a suicide hot line back in 2003. And that is one of the reasons I have to be strong, I vowed I would never return to that woman but sometimes I just don’t want to be here, and I really don’t want to be going through this....Too bad it’s not about what I want or what’s fair, right...? It is what it is... I just wish I could be on the other side of this already….


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Please take care of yourself.It will be good for you if you really let him go from within your mind.The day you really detach you shall find a life of your own happy and content.But you have to wish for that day to come.You have to really want to be happy again.In wanting or feeling for your EX,this pain shall linger indefinitely.Can you just pray daily and keep asking this for yourself 'I shall find peace and happiness and I will be content!'.Keep repeating this to yurself always even when you are feeling the lowest.It will happen.This I can tell you for sure.take care.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I guess that is my question, how do you really detach? Im trying.. beleive me...


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> But Sunday all I wanted was my H to love me and cherish me and hold me. I don’t want to be going through this!! I don’t want a Divorce... yes I need one... but I don’t want one!!!


Unfortunately, just as with my WAW, he has taken away that option. You've got to learn to accept that, as hard as it is, and walk away.

I'm having a hard time detaching, but one thing that is helping me at the moment is thinking about my future. Holding on to my STBXW is essentially hanging tight to the past and it is stopping me from moving forward. But its hard to obsess about the past when you start to think about the future and all the possibilities that are open to you. 

I have also worked very hard to let go of the anger. As much as I want to "punish" her for what she has done, my anger doesn't affect her and it really holds me back. When you are angry at someone you are still very much attached to them - they are the focus of your thoughts, even if those are angry thoughts. You need to let go of the anger before you can let go of the person.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I don’t think I have a lot of anger, but I tend to hold a lot in. I do see that I hold on to the past, more than that I hold on to the dreams I had of "our" future. And they were such false dreams, in my rose colored glasses. It’s so hard for me to look past the false reality with all the harshness out there, I much rather live in my romantic dream world. Until someone yanks those rose glasses off, then it’s not so pleasant. I guess one of my problems is I don’t "see" much of a future, I’m 53 years old, I didn’t want to just be starting over. 

Saying that, I was pumping gas last night and a guy started talking to me about the weather, innocent right? Then he complemented my car, and liked my red hair and said he has seen me around. I thanked him told him to have a nice night and ran like the wind.. Was he flirting? I don’t even know anymore....I think he was a little younger than me though. But I wasn’t looking my best, just came back from the gym. Sweaty and in my workout clothes.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

So I feel like Im over that little hump of depression, I know one of my problems is that Im not getting enough sleep.

I talked with my sister the other night and she has a always had a very good grasp on who my H is. She believes that the reason I haven’t heard from him lately is because of his pride. She said he tried bulling me, he tried begging, he tried all the usually manipulation of getting a response from me and trying to spend more time with me. All he received in response from me was politeness and very brief yes and no’s. She believes he is off licking his wounds and trying to fix his damaged pride. I felt like I gave him my blessing to go have fun with this other woman, and like she reminded me.... he's not going to be able to.... he is just as co-dependent on me as I have always been on him plus you add to that the loss of his home, his children, his self-esteem that he always tried to maintain. He is a serial cheater and he will cheat again so how happy is he going to be with this ow, if he couldn’t remain faithful to his wife how will he be faithful to this woman? Add to that his temper that I am sure he is trying so hard to keep under control. She has a young teenage boy in the house and his own boys brought him to the edge 20 years ago how is going to handle that now that he is older? Noise in general irritates him, he’s very set in his ways and this OW has a 14 year old boy and a 21 year old boy living there. I can’t see him holding on to his temper forever. I’m sure it’s not all sunshine and roses. 
Well anyways that’s enough talking about him; I just wanted to say how flawed my "depressed" thinking was. I really was trying not to think about them and to think about me and my new life but I just saw that as overwhelming. Today I don’t, I’m thankful I have a chance to do it on my own. That I have my heath, a job and a family that loves me.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

21 days since I’ve talked w/mstbxh and I want to contact him so bad... before I was complaining about him contacting me and now that he's not all I want to do is reach out. he still stops in the house and picks up his mail every day and sees dogs. yesterday there was new dog food and treats. I saw that he ate my left over corn beef & cabbage...so he must have been there for lunch. He usually contacts me about bills... nada.. nothing...I must have really hurt his feelings when I told him we wouldn’t be "social" with each other and also to stop feeling sorry for himself and the choices he made, to go enjoy the life he chose... I’m thinking of at least wishing him a happy B-day in a few days even though he didn’t for me.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Dont do it, it will just set you back... stay strong, stay the course


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> I don’t think I have a lot of anger, but I tend to hold a lot in. I do see that I hold on to the past, more than that I hold on to the dreams I had of "our" future. And they were such false dreams, in my rose colored glasses. It’s so hard for me to look past the false reality with all the harshness out there, I much rather live in my romantic dream world. Until someone yanks those rose glasses off, then it’s not so pleasant. I guess one of my problems is I don’t "see" much of a future, I’m 53 years old, I didn’t want to just be starting over.
> 
> Saying that, I was pumping gas last night and a guy started talking to me about the weather, innocent right? Then he complemented my car, and liked my red hair and said he has seen me around. I thanked him told him to have a nice night and ran like the wind.. Was he flirting? I don’t even know anymore....I think he was a little younger than me though. But I wasn’t looking my best, just came back from the gym. Sweaty and in my workout clothes.


Ofcourse he found you attractive
and wanted to talk to you.Flirting  .Cool. You must be looking very sexy in your work out clothes.

See take good care of yoirself and please please do not run away when someone is interested in you.You have to give another person a chnace and feel special.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thank you guys and JMB... I havnt quite decided to wish him a happy birthday or not it two day from now.. but I really think I wont. He will be in Texas with his sister and part of me would love to "remind" him he has a wife back here. but to what point.

I had something nice happen last night, my sister and brother n law took me out for a beer to show off the new hair cut & color being completed. It was a sports bar so we could watch the sweet 16 (and let me just say its just wrong that GeorgeTown is out all ready, really screwed me....And Harvard-who knew they even had a basketball team..) Anyways, sitting there haveing a drink cheerin g on my teams but also feeling a little awkward as its obvious Im not there with a partner sence Im a 3rd wheel. annd I vey hansome man asked to join me..  me.... I was a little taken aback. he wouldnt have been someone I picked out only because he had gray and dark blond hair. My husband is very dark w/hardly any grey. so at first I thought he was older but after I got a better look at him and we talked I think he was probably around the same age as my H about mid 50's. Any ways I really had an enjoyable time and it felt very nice to be noticed. No I didnt make any more plans with him he did ask me some questions, like how often do we go there and do I live nearby because it was snowing kind of heavy out. I just said my brother n law was driving so it didnt matter...I am not up to "dating" yet. And Im not telling a stranger where I live or how often I go someplace. Just me....but definitly felt nice to be appreciated.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

yippee...thats cool...baby steps but good......

and please dear...please please i am begging you literally.....stop calling him your husband..he does not deserveryou and please do not even think of wishing him Happy birthday. if you want just pray to God for that sadistic creature of an ex of yours to get his brain back.

WOW doureallycare2?Handsome man coming and talking in the bar is wonderful.Please just try to welcome life and enjoy once more openly.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

to late I already did it .... it just said happy birthday (name). I received an email back with a picture of our dogs in someone elses home. No tital or anything.. I have no idea what that ment. I took it that it was yesterday as I was gone for the most part of the day.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lots of 2x4 candidates this AM.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I know.. smack, smack.... the thing is I’m not hoping for a R. I was just trying to still be polite and considerate. Two things he obviously doesn’t get and were wasted. I wasn’t expecting a response and was even kind of hoping for no response. I just wanted to do it for me.


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