# My husband is continuing his affair..



## aadams628 (Apr 23, 2017)

2 and a half weeks ago my husband told me he was done and needed a break. He told me he's been very unhappy and "loves me but isn't in love with me". I had been having a gut feeling telling me he has been speaking with a girl he works with and goes to the bars with each week with other coworkers. He denied it at first. Finally he fessed up after a few days and said yes he has been sleeping with her. And that it had been going on people knew about it and he debated not even telling me. He says he doesn't want to work on our marriage but then makes comments about "I'm not telling you to stop trying, but not saying to hold on". He does small things that show me deep down he is confused and still cares about me. However now that I know he decided to remove his ring and when he goes out to DJ or to the bar with friends he comes home in the mornings from being with her after. I'm having a really hard time coping with this. We have 2 children 7 yr old and a 3 yr old. We have been together 11 years and married for 3 this June. He's been very distant and rude, texts her all day in front of me, still hides his phone. I really don't want to lose my marriage and am open to any advice on how to handle this from people who've been through this type of cheating situation.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

What is it about the marriage you want to save? He is cheating right in front of you and does not even care about your feelings.

He is in an affair fog, and unless you demand he quit his job it will be hard to bring him out of it. I left my sorry excuse of a cheater husband, so I'm really not one to be able to tell you how to save it. But there are some folks on here that can probably give you the advice you need.


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## aadams628 (Apr 23, 2017)

Lostme said:


> What is it about the marriage you want to save? He is cheating right in front of you and does not even care about your feelings.
> 
> He is in an affair fog, and unless you demand he quit his job it will be hard to bring him out of it. I left my sorry excuse of a cheater husband, so I'm really not one to be able to tell you how to save it. But there are some folks on here that can probably give you the advice you need.


All of it. I've loved him since I was 17. I don't want to lose my husband. I also don't want our family broken apart. I've never known any love other than ours. The cheating is just unbelievably hard to endure. When it's happening right in front of me each day without him seeming to have a care in the world. I'm just looking for hope and advice. I don't want to lose the man I love but I also need healthy ideas of putting my foot down without pushing him into her arms even more.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

You have already lost the man you love. He has been replaced by this selfish man that you let live with you. He has no respect for you because you have none for yourself. If you want to save your marriage, go see a lawyer and take proof of the affair with you. You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. Honestly, I don't know why you would want to. 

Next, you take that proof to the OW's (other woman's) husband or boyfriend and you blow this affair up. 

Finally, you find a individual counselor (IC) to figure out why you still love a man like this. Right now he has everything he wants. A maid, a babysitter, a girlfriend and he can come and go as he pleases. Why would HE want to change anything?

ETA: Do you not think you and your children deserve better?


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

I am really sorry you are going through this. I am actually going through the same situation as you. I am a month and a half into separation and my husband stated he is done with our marriage ( he is choosing OW before our family). He has said and done majority of the things you stated your husband is doing too. This is definitely a painful experience but we need to be strong for ourselves and for our kids.

I think the best thing we can do in this situation is respect ourselves by not letting our husbands take advantage of us. You need to do your best to just let him go (i am still working on that myself). Do NOT become a doormat. I did and he never felt any guilt walking all over me. Our husbands are very selfish and the only decisions they will make is whatever makes them feel good. He will put himself first before your family. 

Be strong. Love yourself enough to not take his ****. If your nice to him, why would he want to stop his affair? He would think there are no consequences to his actions so he will keep doing what he is doing. If he eventually comes around thats great, but in the meantime you need to give him up and move forward with your life without him. Show him that he is the one losing out. Not the other way around. 

We can do this!


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

@aadams628

This is not the man you fell in love with, that man is gone and this new version is just a shell of his former self. You cannot let them do this to you and your children. I feel he knows how much you love him and is taking advantage of this fact and treating you like ****. Basically he is cake eating, ask him what would be his reaction if the roles were reversed. Tell your friends and family about his erratic behavior, expose him. Cheaters hate being exposed. I am not sure you can save your family, your husband isn't interested in being a part of your family. Protect yourself and your children before it gets too late.

Stop being a doormat, tell him to get his act together or you will kick him out of the house and divorce his sorry ass. You have to force him to respect you. Be tough for yourself and your children

All the best.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Aadams, I know you are going through sheer hell right now and at the hands of the man who said he would always love you and cherish you. 
I can understand your sentiment to want to keep the marriage, particularly the family for the kids. It sounds like he is in the affair fog right now. You will not be able to nice him back into the marriage you have to do what is totally counter intuitive, be prepared to lose this marriage and pull out all stops to blow up his affair

1. tell all your family and friends about what he is doing, especially his family/parents in particular
2.contact a lawyer to see what your options are, if possible kick him out of the house and ensure you are financially cared for
3. Is this OW married or in a relationship, expose it to her bf or husband.
4. You could contact HR in his company and let them know what they are both doing, I am not sure if this will affect your H job though
5. Are you working, can you take care of yourself financially?
6. Refuse to have any contact with him, do the 180 on him, just go cold turkey, tell him all communication with you must be via email. Show no emotion, no begging, no pleading, let him see that you are giving him what he wants. The 180 is for you to emotionally detach from him, (it can go either way, cheaters always want to have their cake and eat it, if he sees you pulling away, he may come after you and use nice words to get you back into the place you where, do not let him do this, see his actions not his words).
7. Ask a sibling or close friend to be there for you, someone to talk to when you need it.
8. arrange an appointment with a counselor or therapist to help you sort through your feelings.

Cheating destroys marriages, but as many of us can tell you we held onto marriages for the sake of families, etc but the resentment and distrust never really goes away. You may forgive and build something stronger but things will never be the same again. You are still young, you can still have a good life without him. If I knew what I know now, I would have kicked my own H out when I found out about him cheating, but like you the kids were very very young. 

Your H is not the man you married, he is a selfish POS who is only looking our for himself, IMO the worst thing a spouse can do to their kids is cheat on their mother or father.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you need to read this. 

https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

aadams628 said:


> I really don't want to lose my marriage and am open to any advice on how to handle this from people who've been through this type of cheating situation.


Dear, I'm afraid you're going to have to be willing to lose it, if you want any chance of saving it. You need to start the divorce process now.

By doing that, there may be a chance he turns around and realizes what he could be losing. But if he doesn't, you need to understand that what you're subjecting yourself to. A remorseless cheater that is throwing his ongoing A in your face and humiliating you in the process. It simply doesn't get worse than that.

Every day you wait around as his plan B he has less respect for you, and thus less attraction. Playing the "pick me" game is the worst thing you can do.

See an attorney ASAP and make an exit plan. You can always postpone the divorce, but don't expect to. A cheater that disrespects his wife like this, just doesn't seem likely to do a 180.

Sorry you're here.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

File for divorce, list adultery and the OW as cause. Notify his parents, find out if OW is married and expose to OWH. You need to know this, to keep your marriage you need to be able lose your marriage. If your husband knows you will do nothing, nothing will change. Being nice only enables the affair. Drop your kids off at his parents when he is set to DJ. Show up and ask about the OW, I like to confront, and definitely would in your case. Implement 180, hard. 

Leave divorce papers around the house, fill in amounts for alimony and child support. Google your state minimums and the add fifty percent. Let him know he will pay for his actions. Most states (sorry to say) will give the female far more then they will men. Go for sole custody, let him know his kids will be mostly with you. 

If you expose at work be prepared your husband and OW may both lose their jobs. I would be careful with this. Expose to your parents so you have a support group of your own.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why in the world would you even WANT him after this?? He is tainted, damaged goods. Can you imagine touching him after knowing he shared himself with another woman?? He has shown that he doesnt give a crap about how you feel. Those little things you think that show he is confused? Those are crumbs he is tossing your way so that he doesnt look like the "bad guy", and you are eating those up. Have some self respect and tell him your marriage is over.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Start the 180.

Right now your marriage is over.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

aadams628 said:


> Lostme said:
> 
> 
> > All of it. I've loved him since I was 17. I don't want to lose my husband. I also don't want our family broken apart. I've never known any love other than ours. The cheating is just unbelievably hard to endure. When it's happening right in front of me each day without him seeming to have a care in the world. I'm just looking for hope and advice. I don't want to lose the man I love but I also need healthy ideas of putting my foot down without pushing him into her arms even more.
> ...


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

> Leave divorce papers around the house, fill in amounts for alimony and child support.


I ?? this. It's so passive aggressive yet says it all.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> > Leave divorce papers around the house, fill in amounts for alimony and child support.
> 
> 
> I ?? this. It's so passive aggressive yet says it all.


Correction. I love this idea leaving the divorce papers around.


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