# What are your red flags?



## zillard

You've been married. You've been divorced.

At some point you'll look for a new mate, if you haven't already.

What are your red flags? Or better yet, to put a positive spin on it, what are you looking for in a mate?


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## Holland

Looked for: 
Highly values a good, healthy sex life
Someone that values happiness, laughter and has a wicked SOH
Shared interests such as cycling
A good parent to their children and understands my children are #1 priority to me.
Amicable with their ex (he is not 100% but I am OK with that)
Good values and morals
Intelligent but also has a high EQ
Excellent communicator
Loves life
Knows how to relax and do nothing
Values good health but can still unwind with a drink or 3

I do not engage in arguments or fighting, I prefer discussions that are respectful. If a man cannot have a respectful discussion about disagreements then he is not for me.

He must know his worth.
Not be a wimp.
Be strong and sexy.
Hard working and make reasonable money. 

I am a strong, independent woman, my man has to be high calibre. Want to work together, love together, laugh and do things together.
He also needs to understand I must have "me" time, clingy is not a good look.

red flags:
would be all the opposite things to what I listed above.


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## zillard

Good qualities and traits:

High self esteem
Generally happy
Outgoing
Comfortable being alone
Respects personal space/me time
Comfortable being open and honest
Family oriented
Passionate about own interests
Realistic about relationships
Has healthy friendships
Affectionate
Handles compliments & constructive criticism well 

Red Flags:

Bad temper
Avoids confrontation
Overly confident (usually masking something)
Self denigrating comments
Overly critical


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## zillard

Great list Holland! 

I missed a few good ones:
Sense of humor, respect, intelligence and understanding kiddo is #1! :smthumbup:


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## Holland

SOH is a must for me zillard, I love to laugh, am incredibly immature for my 46 years and love the absurd.

My partner is the same and we have those laughing fits that make your stomach hurt. Life without laughter is just a dull life IMO.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I'm old, I'm be-yotchy, and I've never been a game-player; my list is hard-learned (unfortunately).

I will have a hard time NOT pulling the trigger IMMEDIATELY at the first sign of ANY of these:

lying
bad temper
uninvolved with his kids
bad mouths his ex (or people in general)
doesn't follow-through on promises
worried about 'appearances'
trying to impress others
can't discuss differences RESPECTFULLY
is cheap
doesn't read books/magazines
wants to spend ALL his time with me
doesn't want to spend enough quality time with me
financially irresponsible (this one is HARD to spot)
isn't a generous/responsive lover
doesn't have a good sense of humor
bad family dynamics (parents, siblings)
has no friends (or friends I dislike a lot)


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## lonewolf8545

Hmm, I don't think I have a set list of red flags I go more toward a gut feeling about a person.

Some traits are just deal breakers for me are:
drugs
excessive drinking
lack of loyalty
high strung
needy
anger issues

If someone is a parent, I take a good look at how the kids act. Are they respectful, well mannered, good kids. This always gives me some incite into the person I'm dating.

I'm pushing 50 so if I'm going to be with someone again, I want it to be with someone who can communicate and roll with the punches.


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## Shooboomafoo

Wow...
Guess I'll be single for the rest of my days!


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## working_together

Red Flags:

mama's boy
cheap (nanny always said "cheap with money, cheap with love")
stealing all the covers...lol


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lying and thinking you can get away with it. It starts with little white lies, progresses to lies to make yourself look better, and then moves on to lies of manipulation and deceit. I can pretty much tell when a person is lying. It's what I used to do for work. In the past I've been far too generous in letting the first two types of lies slide. I've learned to be a bit more firm. If a story is framed to make you look good, and it's a story you choose to tell out of the blue, it's probably covering something up. i.e. I now know the real reason my former potential client and 4-time 'date hook-up' didn't get invited to go to Mongolia with his friends until the last minute. Because they didn't want him along to spoil the trip! And the reason he goes to Crete to visit his friends...because there are a lot of girls there from the Ukraine and Russia. Same reason why he would never 'date' a woman from L.A. why date when you can just hook up! lol. Boyfriend from summer...I only smoke this stuff every once in a great while (meaning, every day at least once and I'll throw a fit if I run out, and while I don't have money for gas to go grocery shopping, I'll drive even further to buy the stuff from the little old lady lol.) Or my favorite, people don't like me managing them because I'm so much younger than them. No, they just don't like you managing them because you don't manage people well.


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## vi_bride04

Holland said:


> I am a strong, independent woman, my man has to be high calibre. Want to work together, love together, laugh and do things together.
> He also needs to understand I must have "me" time, clingy is not a good look.


:smthumbup:

Exactly....


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## Holland

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm old, I'm be-yotchy, and I've never been a game-player; my list is hard-learned (unfortunately).
> 
> I will have a hard time NOT pulling the trigger IMMEDIATELY at the first sign of ANY of these:
> 
> lying
> bad temper
> uninvolved with his kids
> bad mouths his ex (or people in general)
> doesn't follow-through on promises
> worried about 'appearances'
> trying to impress others
> can't discuss differences RESPECTFULLY
> is cheap
> doesn't read books/magazines
> wants to spend ALL his time with me
> doesn't want to spend enough quality time with me
> financially irresponsible (this one is HARD to spot)
> isn't a generous/responsive lover
> doesn't have a good sense of humor
> bad family dynamics (parents, siblings)
> has no friends (or friends I dislike a lot)


Great list, I agree with all of them. 

I wonder if some of this comes with age because I would not have had a list like yours or mine many years ago.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I'm thinking it does, Holland, because I agree that years ago I would have 'excused' a whole lot of bad behavior that NOW I would be telling him to 'hit the door' over!

I think you and I would get along very well IRL! (Know any guys like you that are single and over 35?)


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## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: What are your red flags?*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm old, I'm be-yotchy, and I've never been a game-player; my list is hard-learned (unfortunately).
> 
> I will have a hard time NOT pulling the trigger IMMEDIATELY at the first sign of ANY of these:
> 
> lying
> bad temper
> uninvolved with his kids
> bad mouths his ex (or people in general)
> doesn't follow-through on promises
> worried about 'appearances'
> trying to impress others
> can't discuss differences RESPECTFULLY
> is cheap
> doesn't read books/magazines
> wants to spend ALL his time with me
> doesn't want to spend enough quality time with me
> financially irresponsible (this one is HARD to spot)
> isn't a generous/responsive lover
> doesn't have a good sense of humor
> bad family dynamics (parents, siblings)
> has no friends (or friends I dislike a lot)


My ex ha a majority of these....

Great list for sure


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## zillard

One important thing that I've noticed - in my relationships, friendships, in myself at times, and here on TAM - is how people react to other people's happiness. 

You can see this a lot on social media sites like Facebook. When people become annoyed by other people's happiness, I think it indicates not only that they are unhappy, but that they feel they do not deserve happiness. So they become annoyed and critical of those who are happy. Even to the point of telling themselves and others that the happiness must be a facade. 

This is especially apparent during the winter holidays and Valentine's Day. 

During Christmas my situation was terrible. I was not happy. While scrolling FB I saw so many photos of happy families. Yet I didn't hate viewing them. I was not annoyed by them. I was happy for them but sad because I know that I do deserve happiness and missed what I had. 

Does that make sense?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Originally posted by VI_bride04:
> My ex ha a majority of these....


So does mine! As I said, 'hard learned'. 


zillard: know EXACTLY what you mean! People who put off vibes like they've been ill-treated by life are often rude/condescending about other people's happiness. I find them so petty, small and jealous. Really don't like to be around people like this...even for a short amount of time.


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## Holland

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm thinking it does, Holland, because I agree that years ago I would have 'excused' a whole lot of bad behavior that NOW I would be telling him to 'hit the door' over!
> 
> *I think you and I would get along very well IRL! (Know any guys like you that are single and over 35?*)


I do too except I am a 46 yr old chick and I live in Aussie


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## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> You've been married. You've been divorced.
> 
> At some point you'll look for a new mate, if you haven't already.
> 
> What are your red flags? Or better yet, to put a positive spin on it, what are you looking for in a mate?


I don't want another "mate" as in marriage but I would like to go out and have fun with a kindred spirit. 

What am I looking for? 

Takes pride in their appearance and takes care of themself. 

Someone who likes to drive with the top down. 

Someone who can like and appreciate me for what I am. He doesn't have to like everything about me but he needs to accept me as I am. 

Someone who isn't judgemental and bossy and doesn't do guilt trips. 

Someone who isn't CHEAP. 

Someone who is high energy, intelligent, well rounded and FUN. 

Did I say FUN?

Someone who likes the outdoors and seeing live music and dancing. 

Someone who will let me have my own space and time away to be on my own. 

Someone who is secure. 

Someone who is affectionate, passionate, romantic, wants me physically and loves to make love and is good at it!

Someone who, if they have family, doesn't expect me to become part of their family. No, it's not a "package deal". 

If you want to stay home and watch TV every weekend night then you aren't the person for me. 

No, you aren't going to live with me..ever. 

I honestly don't know if this person is out there but it might happen. Or not. Whatever.


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## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> I honestly don't know if this person is out there but it might happen.


I really don't see my list as an all or nothing approach. I think once I come up with a final the next important step would be to prioritize. 

Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws. 

It's important to distinguish which items on the list are based on independent core values and which are flexible.


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## Freak On a Leash

I agree, but after 25 years of being miserable being married to someon who was 6'5" Red Flag, I'm finally happy on my own so anyone I do let into my life is going to have to fit most of what is on my list. 

I will admit that I'm somewhat flexible. I said at one point that I'd never date a guy with younger kids. Turns out I met a guy I agreed to date who had younger kids (ages 12 and 10). I figured I'd give it a shot. Don't know how it would've worked out since he never actually asked me out on a date. 

But at least I am trying to keep an open mind.


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## Pbartender

I'm curious.

I've noticed "NOT CHEAP!" listed a few times... How do you define "cheap"?


Pb.


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## zillard

Pbartender said:


> I'm curious.
> 
> I've noticed "NOT CHEAP!" listed a few times... How do you define "cheap"?
> 
> 
> Pb.


Hopefully frugal does not equal cheap. Because I am frugal.


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## EnjoliWoman

Cheap for me is not going the extra mile when you could. It's certainly based on an individual basis.

Using a groupon for dinner does not offend me. Or taking leftovers home. But never going somewhere you don't have a coupon for (I have a friend like this - she drives me crazy) is cheap.

Always having someone else drive is cheap because it looks like you don't want to spend the money on gas.

When you have dinner with friends, divide the check by the # of people and be done with it. I hate it when someone has to point out their entree was .50 less or they only had water when everyone else had tea. 

Cheap is never getting ocean front. If you're on vacation together, go with a cheaper hotel vs. sacrificing the view.

Cheap is never being willing to go see a movie you really like until it hits the cheap places, or insisting on going at 4pm so you get matinee rates vs. going after dinner.



Just don't nickel and dime everything.


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## zillard

EnjoliWoman said:


> Cheap for me is not going the extra mile when you could. It's certainly based on an individual basis.
> 
> Using a groupon for dinner does not offend me. Or taking leftovers home. But never going somewhere you don't have a coupon for (I have a friend like this - she drives me crazy) is cheap.
> 
> Always having someone else drive is cheap because it looks like you don't want to spend the money on gas.
> 
> When you have dinner with friends, divide the check by the # of people and be done with it. I hate it when someone has to point out their entree was .50 less or they only had water when everyone else had tea.
> 
> Cheap is never getting ocean front. If you're on vacation together, go with a cheaper hotel vs. sacrificing the view.
> 
> Cheap is never being willing to go see a movie you really like until it hits the cheap places, or insisting on going at 4pm so you get matinee rates vs. going after dinner.
> 
> Just don't nickel and dime everything.


Ok good. I'm not cheap then. 

I will hit the clearance rack first at department stores. 

I have no problem shopping at thrift stores. Usually for fun or to find items for a project. 

I'm a firm believer that many store brand foods are just as good as the name brand - but many things just do not taste the same and the brand name is a must.

Do not skimp on shoes, beds or office chairs. You spend 1/3 of your life in each. 

And I always told my X - get whatever you need for your hair, face and boobs.


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## working_together

Pbartender said:


> I'm curious.
> 
> I've noticed "NOT CHEAP!" listed a few times... How do you define "cheap"?
> 
> 
> Pb.


Cheap as in going to a bring your own wine (that you made) resto, and taking the rest home with you...lol. This happened to a friend of mine, she was so pissed.

I haven't experienced any cheap dates really. I usually go half until I feel more comfortable with the other person paying, then I'll treat them for a nice dinner if they've taken me out a couple of times. 

I really don't care if the person has money or not, but if the person is just cheap and counts every penny etc. then that's a red flag for sure.

The guy I've been dating for a couple of months bought me a camera for xmas. I almost hit the floor, totally didn't expect it. I hadn't bought him anything since we'd only been seeing each other for a month at that point. Maybe I'm cheap...lol I did run out and buy him something, but I felt like crap that I hadn't given it at the same time, it just seemed like "oh you bought something for me, so I better buy you something". Valentines is coming up, I'll make the effort to go all out this time.


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## eldubya

I think if I ever get interested in a possible mate again I'm going to have him take the Myers Briggs Personality Type inventory. There is much study showing which types get along the best in a relationship as well as which pairings are going to clash and have difficulties. If I had known my exes personality type I would have run like heck! In retrospect maybe we were doomed to have it end.


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## zillard

eldubya said:


> I think if I ever get interested in a possible mate again I'm going to have him take the Myers Briggs Personality Type inventory. There is much study showing which types get along the best in a relationship as well as which pairings are going to clash and have difficulties. If I had known my exes personality type I would have run like heck! In retrospect maybe we were doomed to have it end.


I dunno. X and I did that together and it came out pretty awesome. Always an exception to the rule though, right!


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## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> I'm curious.
> 
> I've noticed "NOT CHEAP!" listed a few times... How do you define "cheap"?
> 
> 
> Pb.


"cheap" is my STBXH. 

He makes me pay for my own meal when we go out and he frets about money ALL THE TIME. It's ALWAYS about money. EVERYTHING..ALL THE TIME. 

If I say "Let's go and have a romantic weekend" I hear "we can't afford it". But he can always afford to put gas in his boat. 

"Cheap" is giving me his used notebook because he can't shell out $200 to buy me a new one for a present. "Merry Christmas Honey, I am giving you a used computer for Christmas". 

YES, this REALLY did happen! :slap:

"Cheap" is a state of mind. It's a lot like being "old". 

Not dealing with this crap anymore.


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## Dollystanford

unable to hold down a job for longer than 18 months
financially irresponsible (I agree this is hard to spot and it's why I'll never ever let anyone have access to my money again)
negative about things I like just because he doesn't like them
dismissive of other people

I will also never walk on eggshells again


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## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> "Cheap" is a state of mind. It's a lot like being "old".


I asked because, as we all know, divorce is expensive, and afterward many of us are (or will be) trying to keep a home, pay bills and even raise kids on smaller fraction of the income we used to have. Plus, as Dolly suggests, plenty of us have been burned by spouses who were less than responsible with money.

So, for a lot of divorcees, keeping a close eye on the bank accounts is almost a necessary way of life. But...

I think I've got the same sort of mindset towards it as Zillard: There are things that it's okay to be "cheap" with, and there are things that are worth spending extra money on. You have to know the difference between the two, and be able to save money on the former so you can spend (and are willing to spend) money on the latter.

In my mind, that is the difference between being frugal and cheap.


Pb.


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## angelpixie

Emotional manipulation
Dismissing of others' feelings and experiences
Neediness
Inability to keep a job/Not actively trying to become employed
Dishonesty
Too much too soon
Generally, behaviors that indicate excessive inner insecurities


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## EnjoliWoman

zillard said:


> Ok good. I'm not cheap then.
> 
> I will hit the clearance rack first at department stores.
> 
> I have no problem shopping at thrift stores. Usually for fun or to find items for a project.
> 
> I'm a firm believer that many store brand foods are just as good as the name brand - but many things just do not taste the same and the brand name is a must.
> 
> Do not skimp on shoes, beds or office chairs. You spend 1/3 of your life in each.
> 
> And I always told my X - get whatever you need for your hair, face and boobs.


Nope, I do all of those things. I've found great solid wood furniture and a wicker sofa for my porch at a thrift shop - and a brand new with tags Liz Claiborne skirt I love. I like a lot of store brands but some I don't skimp on. I just started 'investing' in good hair cuts a couple years ago and a year ago in good facial stuff. Very worth it.


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## EnjoliWoman

Dollystanford said:


> unable to hold down a job for longer than 18 months
> financially irresponsible (I agree this is hard to spot and it's why I'll never ever let anyone have access to my money again)
> negative about things I like just because he doesn't like them
> dismissive of other people
> 
> I will also never walk on eggshells again


Yup - ex was all of these but never his fault. 

If I'm serious enough to start to co-mingle funds/live together or get married, I want to see a full credit report and a score.


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## Tr1qu3tra

My personal red flags:

Self absorption
Violent outbursts
Threats
Constantly changing physical appearance
Lazy sex drive
Never satisfied by compliments
Controlling
Bad parenting
Lying
History of shady relationships/cheating
Self righteousness
Says horrible things about past relationships (especially if I know the guy is an alright dude)
Can't ever say sorry or be wrong
Physically abusive (deal breaker)
Says horrible things about my friends or "who I used to be"


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## Azure

Working_together, this is so true "cheap with money, cheap with love" 

Funny because my mom always said that and that's exactly how my STBXH turned out to be. Cheap with money, cheap with affection. For heaven's sake, at least words are free! But no, I never heard what I needed to hear from him

Cheap is certainly a state of mind...it really doesn't matter how much money they make.

Cheap is when he keeps putting off booking the hotel room for his wedding night which is on a july fourth weekend because he wants to use some card his dad has to get a discount, so that his wife's mom has to book the room for them both in fear that all the rooms will be booked by the time the groom gets to it.

Cheap is giving his wife sh*t because she (unemployed at the time) asked him to pay her medical bill! I don't care how broke you are, I don't care if it was the last dollar you had, if your loved one is sick, you f*cking spend that last dollar and take the shirt off your back for them. I'm still having a hard time letting this one go.

Cheap is sacrificing quality. Quality of clothes, shoes, food, education, medical care, etc

I am frugal. I wait for sales and I shop at discount stores. I love finding a good deal. I buy groupons. I set budgets for myself. I live within my means. 

But I never think about who's paying when going out with someone I love. I never think about gas money when visiting someone I love. I never go to a baby shower or wedding without a nice gift or a gift card. I spend a lot of money on the people I love, because to me, they're worth it.


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## Azure

Additional Red flags:

Inattentive/ not thoughtful
Doesn't have the desire to constantly learn more about spouse
Doesn't care about physical appearance or health/ Doesn't care about pleasing spouse
Low sex drive
Doesn't enjoy going out to social events
Passive
Passive Aggressive
Non-communicative/ avoids confrontation
Low self esteem and insecure
Doesn't read books
Watches too much TV/Plays video games. Sorry I dont want a man-child
Lazy
low EQ/Socially awkward/doesn't know how to read body language
Gives the silent treatment (the worst!)
Doesn't know how to compromise/ tunnel minded when arguing
Can't express love verbally
Doesn't caress 

2 years of living with STBXH nearly destroyed my sanity.
Never. Never again


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## Azure

Other red flags I've learned over time

Controlling
c***y
Manipulative
bad relationships with family members 
People who don't follow through on their promises
People who leave you hanging/play games (like: lets meet up today at 7pm, then theyre no-shows and call later with some BS excuse)
Overly charming/love the high associated with breaking the rules (RUN lol)
People who don't respect your boundaries/pressure you to do something you're not comfortable with
Too many past partners/or no partners at all
Always blame others
Sexist/misogynistic behavior or even jokes


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## zillard

Azure said:


> Working_together, this is so true "cheap with money, cheap with love"
> 
> Funny because my mom always said that and that's exactly how my STBXH turned out to be. Cheap with money, cheap with affection. For heaven's sake, at least words are free! But no, I never heard what I needed to hear from him
> 
> Cheap is certainly a state of mind...it really doesn't matter how much money they make.
> 
> Cheap is when he keeps putting off booking the hotel room for his wedding night which is on a july fourth weekend because he wants to use some card his dad has to get a discount, so that his wife's mom has to book the room for them both in fear that all the rooms will be booked by the time the groom gets to it.
> 
> Cheap is giving his wife sh*t because she (unemployed at the time) asked him to pay her medical bill! I don't care how broke you are, I don't care if it was the last dollar you had, if your loved one is sick, you f*cking spend that last dollar and take the shirt off your back for them. I'm still having a hard time letting this one go.
> 
> Cheap is sacrificing quality. Quality of clothes, shoes, food, education, medical care, etc
> 
> I am frugal. I wait for sales and I shop at discount stores. I love finding a good deal. I buy groupons. I set budgets for myself. I live within my means.
> 
> But I never think about who's paying when going out with someone I love. I never think about gas money when visiting someone I love. I never go to a baby shower or wedding without a nice gift or a gift card. I spend a lot of money on the people I love, because to me, they're worth it.


:smthumbup:

Completely agree. I rarely argue with anyone over money. 

If it is for fun it's always "this is what we have... how should we use it?"

If something essential... "Do it! We'll make it work. Whatever it takes."


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## Crankshaw

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm old, I'm be-yotchy, and I've never been a game-player; my list is hard-learned (unfortunately).
> 
> I will have a hard time NOT pulling the trigger IMMEDIATELY at the first sign of ANY of these:
> 
> lying
> bad temper
> uninvolved with his kids
> bad mouths his ex (or people in general)
> doesn't follow-through on promises
> worried about 'appearances'
> trying to impress others
> can't discuss differences RESPECTFULLY
> is cheap
> doesn't read books/magazines
> wants to spend ALL his time with me
> doesn't want to spend enough quality time with me
> financially irresponsible (this one is HARD to spot)
> isn't a generous/responsive lover
> doesn't have a good sense of humor
> bad family dynamics (parents, siblings)
> has no friends (or friends I dislike a lot)


I am concerned about my appearance, something about taking some pride in your appearance.
I don't read books/ magazines, easier for me to read news etc on the net.


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## Crankshaw

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yup - ex was all of these but never his fault.
> 
> If I'm serious enough to start to co-mingle funds/live together or get married, I want to see a full credit report and a score.


I have no intention of co-mingle funds ever again, I intend buying myself a 2 bedroom unit later this year, I will live there, if I get involved with a lady enough for us to want to live together, I will keep my place, she will keep hers, financial independence for both of us, able to share household expenses and still have our own independance


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## EnjoliWoman

If you have separate places, why would you even need to comingle funds? Unless you both put money into a pot for vacations. The whole purpose of a relationship is to share life. I, personally, would not be content with that arrangement after a couple years if I loved him. I would want to spend more time together. But she could rent her house while living with you so there is still an 'out'.

Maybe aussie laws are different so wouldnt apply but if I make more and/or possess more, I want a prenup. If the reverse is true I'm happy to sign one. I want to keep what I had before the marriage and divide what we built together. If he comes into the marriage with 2 mil I have no right to any of that.


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## Holland

EnjoliWoman said:


> If you have separate places, why would you even need to comingle funds? Unless you both put money into a pot for vacations. The whole purpose of a relationship is to share life. I, personally, would not be content with that arrangement after a couple years if I loved him. I would want to spend more time together. But she could rent her house while living with you so there is still an 'out'.
> 
> Maybe aussie laws are different so wouldnt apply but if I make more and/or possess more, I want a prenup. If the reverse is true I'm happy to sign one. I want to keep what I had before the marriage and divide what we built together. If he comes into the marriage with 2 mil I have no right to any of that.


Enjoli the laws here are actually pretty good and we are protected to a degree. What you take into a marriage is taken into account if you divorce so if I take in 2mil and he takes in a lot less then my portion is preserved.
The issue is that the lines get blurry over time. So if I bring in my 2 mil and we are married for 20 years and have 3 kids then the 2 mil gets watered down.

But for everyday people that go into marriage the laws are good. The best interest of the children are uppermost, the future work capacity of each spouse and what they brought into the marriage.
We do not have alimony here like in The States.

It is becoming more common though for second timers to get pre nups as people do have more assets generally at this stage. I will get a pre nup without a doubt because I have good assets and they are for my kids. 
We call it a Binding Financial Agreement here.

Actually there is a real move here towards long term exclusive relationships where the couple do not cohabitate, it is one of the fastest growing sections of the community. I know a lot of people in this situation and have to say that it works very well.


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## legiox

Red flags? Anything my STBXW was

1. Drinks to much
2. Parties to much
3. Tells me I never let her do anything, even though she did basically anything she wanted.
4. When I'm off work for 1 weekend a month, she decided to plan a girls weekend out leaving me at the house by myself.
5. Gets a DWI while I'm working and have to pick her up at the jail.
6. Whenever we have a disagreement she would say "yes daddy"

Anything else?
lol


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## loveispatient

Drinking. Excessive drinking. 
Temper/Poor anger management
Inability to handle stress (no outlet)
Spending more time on FB than me
Inability to let go of his past relationships
Poor communication skills
Lying about communicating with ex-s or other women 
Bad mouthing spouse when talking to other male or female friends
Inability to make decisions
Not wanting to share in my interests
Inability to make friends or find people that he has common interests with
Not able to "pick-up" behind himself
Constantly dreaming of a life of freedom w/o spouse and responsibilities
Constantly puts himself down (poor self-esteem)
Not wanting kids
Different values
Not interested in putting an effort in appearance (I'm not saying you have to be a GQ model, but boxers and a t-shirt every day isn't my idea of trying; or wearing the same pair of jeans etc.)
Putting me down (not constructive criticism; I know I'm not perfect but telling me that he's not attracted to me after weight gain from infertility meds the last two years is just not helpful AT ALL)
Doesn't know how to have fun unless it involved heavy drinking 
Not thoughtful


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## loveispatient

Crankshaw said:


> I have no intention of co-mingle funds ever again, I intend buying myself a 2 bedroom unit later this year, I will live there, if I get involved with a lady enough for us to want to live together, I will keep my place, she will keep hers, financial independence for both of us, able to share household expenses and still have our own independance


I feel the same way. With everything that we had to separate recently, I will never do that again. Frankly, if I'm ever with someone again, I don't want that person living with me let alone sponging off me.


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## Freak On a Leash

legiox said:


> Red flags? Anything my STBXW was
> 
> Drinks to much
> Parties to much
> Tells me I never let her do anything, even though she did basically anything she wanted.
> Gets a DWI while I'm working and have to pick her up at the jail.


Was she an alcoholic?


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## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> Was she an alcoholic?


Sure sounds like it, yeah?


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## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> Sure sounds like it, yeah?


Yep. Not good. I wouldn't wish an alcoholic spouse on anyone.  My advice is pack your bags and prepare to leave. Save yourself cuz you can't save an alcoholic.


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## ku1980rose

Red Flags:

A man who is "too nice." Doesn't make any decisions or seem to have a backbone at all. 

A man who doesn't have a relationship with his kids.

A man with no friends.

Any little lies - these have become red flags because they tend to lead to bigger lies. 

And definitely someone who drinks too much.

Things I look for:
confidence (not arrogance)
can take charge in bed (if it gets to that point)
loyal to family (and kids if he has any)
stable job/career
honesty
good communication skills


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## Azure

New one:

I was talking with a guy I know, and he was telling me how he's gonna slash the tires of this other guy who owes him money but won't give it to him.

I cannot date a vengeful person. I just can't deal with people who like to get revenge or use serious blackmail.

Thank God my STBXH didn't have this ugly trait.


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## angelpixie

Azure said:


> New one:
> 
> I was talking with a guy I know, and he was telling me how he's gonna slash the tires of this other guy who owes him money but won't give it to him.
> 
> I cannot date a vengeful person. I just can't deal with people who like to get revenge or use serious blackmail.
> 
> Thank God my STBXH didn't have this ugly trait.



Yikes!  Yep, anger issues would definitely be another one.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Texting inappropriate to amount of time spent in person, and inappropriate topics vs. what happens or could happen in person. 

Ugh.


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