# Am I just insecure?



## Abigail (Oct 14, 2008)

Hello, I'm new to the site. My husband and I have been together for 10yrs and married for 6yrs. We've always communicated with one another about everything. 
For the last 6 months my husband hasn't been talking with me. He gets upset when I don't communicate, but when I do he does not respond. He just looks at me and then changes the subject. 
We have a softball team and I noticed he flirts with my younger cousin. They have a tendency to touch one another a lot. I haven't told him this bothers me, because I confronted him once and he blew up about it. So I don't want to cause an arquement. 
He told me if I thought he was sneaking around I could check his email and text messages. Well I thought I'd take a look and he deleted everything. He continues to delete messaged and tells me they're just junk. I don't know what to think. 
I am hurt that he asks me to open up and talk, but when I do he doesn't respond. That he flirts with my younger cousin and that he doesn't trust me enough to show me his messages. Am I just being insecure? Do I have reasons to be affraid of what he may be doing.


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## line6guy (Sep 21, 2008)

Hmmm... That is so difficult. I guess if my spouse told me something bothered her, I would either reassure her it was nothing, if it really was nothing, or would make adjustments so as not to make her feel bad. Blowing up, I don't think, is a correct response. I mean, sure, I might take offense at "being accused" if it were nothing. But, blowing up is not a good response. On the other hand, how did you act when you asked him? Were you accusatory? DId you do it in such a way as to back him in the corner?

Not talking is odd, especially if he asks. How close was your relationship before the last 6 months?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think it is odd that he would tell you to check his emails and text messages only to delete everything. That would be a big red flag for me.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Abigail said:


> Hello, I'm new to the site. My husband and I have been together for 10yrs and married for 6yrs. We've always communicated with one another about everything.
> For the last 6 months my husband hasn't been talking with me. He gets upset when I don't communicate, but when I do he does not respond. He just looks at me and then changes the subject.
> We have a softball team and I noticed he flirts with my younger cousin. They have a tendency to touch one another a lot. I haven't told him this bothers me, because I confronted him once and he blew up about it. So I don't want to cause an arquement.
> He told me if I thought he was sneaking around I could check his email and text messages. Well I thought I'd take a look and he deleted everything. He continues to delete messaged and tells me they're just junk. I don't know what to think.
> I am hurt that he asks me to open up and talk, but when I do he doesn't respond. That he flirts with my younger cousin and that he doesn't trust me enough to show me his messages. Am I just being insecure? Do I have reasons to be affraid of what he may be doing.


okay..i'm no expert but here's the loaded question of the day, based omn your perception:

ask him "something's changed...you used to communicate everything. it seems to me that you've stopped doing that. what's changed?"

then be ready to hear the answer...and listen.

sorry i'm so short. i just think that would get you what you want.


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## Abigail (Oct 14, 2008)

Our relationship has always been close. We would confide to one another about family, friends and work. It's why I'm so confused about the whole situation.
Here is another situation that has baffled me:

I stayed home from work and we were texting each other throughout the day. I sent him a picture of me which was kind of intimate. Which I've done before. Well after I sent that picture he quit texting me.
I expected some sort of reply or comment in regards to it when he got home. Well he said nothing! I was a bit hurt and embarrassed about the whole thing. It bugged me for days and it made me insecure and shot down my self-esteem.
I finally got up the nerves to ask him about it and he just looked at me with a blank look. Didn't say anything until I started to cry. He then said, "Well I liked it!" He then started trying to sugar me up and be sweet to me. 
I told him how this made me feel and that I was hurt he couldn't respond to this. He didn't say anything just layed there until I was done crying.
He realized it was still bugging me the next night. He then said he was afraid I'm unhappy and that I want to be single like my friends. Which was a slap to the face for me. I didn't know what to do, so "I" appologize and "I" did the reassuring. 

It didn't dawn on me that he "flipped the switch" until the next morning. We had a softball tourney and I didn't want to be all emotional in front of everyone, so I just remained silent.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think you need to take on board your gut instinct. 
6 months i agree is a long time not to communicate and unfair in n e marriage for that to be acceptable.
i also agree with line6guy and draconis on this one.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I think you need to be honest with him about how his behavior with your cousin bothers you. Don’t do it in an accusatory manner. Just state that it hurts your feelings and you are uncomfortable with it. His distancing for 6 months is a concern. It is possible that he feels you are distancing yourself so he withdraws also. You need to get him to communicate with you again. Make a list of the things that are bothering you and memorize them. Check them off mentally as the two of you talk to see if there is really something that is a major problem or just a lot of little things that can be easily fixed. There’s more to this then there is on the surface.


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## Abigail (Oct 14, 2008)

Lastnight I finally had a long talk with my husband. I think I pissed him off, but oh wells! I feel better and just had to tell him how I felt. He understood, kinda. 

I told him his flirting bugged me. Well actually what I said was, "I know you flirt, but it bugs me that you have to touch them. It never use to bug me, but when you have people asking if it does. Well it made me feel stupid just sitting back watching. I didn't want to piss you off by asking, so I just remained silent." 

I don't mind his flirting it's something I've just learned to deal with. Told him when I was pregnant with our eldest that it bugged me (all knocked up and insecure). He never quit, so I just dealt with it.

I even went as far as asking if he had a crush on my cousin. He was annoyed I even asked that, but understood why I had to ask...it was pretty uncomfortable. Told me he only considers her as a friend and that he has no feelings for her. 

We haven't talked like that in years. I hated having to sound so insecure and stupid, but I got it off my chest anyhows. I think it was something he really needed to know.

I asked why he wasn't responding when I'd talk and he said I've been so judgemental to his replys. He said that when he'd make a suggestion I'd criticize him and get mad, because he didn't respond the way I wanted him too. I have a lot to work on also. I'm glad he opened up and we got it all out of the way.

He asked me not to get so upset when he doesn't respond the way I want. I'm asking his opinion and he's trying to give it to me & when I get mad it feels like I'm critcizing him. 

We cried, laughed and just held each other. Everything he said made sense and I can look back and understand what he's talking about. We quit communicating and it did a lot of emotional damage. Something we said we'd work on from now on. Thanks you guys!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Good for you Abigail. It is good to hear you’ve made some strides but I suspect there is some distance to go for you both. You didn’t get here overnight and won’t be cured in one conversation. It’s good that you understand what he is saying in not being judgmental. It can close a person off to communicating. And I hope he respects your boundaries in the flirting. Keep the communication lines open and you’ll continue to improve. Good luck.


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