# My wife is so distant...



## marriedwithchildren (Oct 15, 2009)

Me and my wife have been married for 5 months now. 
We used to cuddle and make love all the time. We used to talk about everything. We shared everything together. 

NOW... 
She ignores me when I try to talk to her, she is no longer interested in sex, and when I try to kiss her or hug her she pushes me off of her. I try to cuddle with her and she pushes me off of her. 
I don't understand it.We used to be so close. I am starting to think she doesnt want to be with me. 
I know she cant be stressed, I own my own business, and she does not work or anything. 
I cook, clean, everything, I dont ask her to do anything around the house, I spoil her. Yet I feel as if she hates me....

Please help, I love her very much and I dont want to leave her.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

man you have one very pissed off wife, based on what you posted

you may also have a wife who's experiencing 'buyer's dread'

or a little of both

if she ignores you when you try and talk with her she's either really pissed or very arrogant

or maybe immature, which can cut either way: pissed or arrogant

or again both

bottom line: time to man up

you need to get to the real problem and fast because you don't want her behaviour to become de rigueuer.

insist she talk to you and expect an adversarial conversation

that's ok, sometimes it has to happen

because based on what you posted your wife may not only be having doubts about marrying you

she may have already found another to console her

which would account for her arrogant and nonchalant attitude towards you.

do you consider yourself a particularly macho kinda guy?


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## marriedwithchildren (Oct 15, 2009)

I know she isnt cheating on me or anything. she doesnt drive and I own my business across the street from our house, I see who goes in and comes out of my house.
I am not "macho" I am more of family man, i think...


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## confusedinca (Oct 15, 2009)

Marriedwithchildren, your wife sounds very unhappy...with herself, or you, or some combination. It also sounds like she has way too much free time. Perhaps finding something you both enjoy outside the home (that does not involve the bedroom) might help you reconnect and give her something to do. Eventually, you need to do less and she needs to do more around the house. It is also a little unusual that you can monitor her activities...so you may want to encourage her to get out to do some volunteer work or perhaps get a part-time job.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Maybe since you are doing so much around the house and whatnot she doesn't feel needed?? I would sit down at a nice dinner and ask her flat out, okay what is going on and how can we make you happy? That is the best way to get to the bottom of it. Maybe she would like to take an interest in something outside of the home as well?? Best of luck and I hope it can be figured out!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You are coming across as really weak. This is not about being a - what did you call it - a "macho man". This is about setting a good example for your children as to what is a healthy marriage. 

The worst thing you can do is ask her how you can make her happy. You have already been doing that, and you already do way, way more then your fair share in this marriage. 

The picture you have painted so far is: 
1. You make a very good living, she is not able to support herself very well. 
2. She is very attractive, more so then you are so you feel lucky to have her. It is not lucky to love someone who does not love you. 

Do you care enough about setting a good example for your children, to have conflict with your wife? Because she is going to try to intimidate you into not having this conversation. 

Just ask her if she knows why she does not love you. Just ask. It is a simple question. And it is the right question. Because if she DOES love you, she will immediately try to fix all this, the affection, the kindness, the sex. If I am right, she won't do that. She married you for your support, which would be ok if she was able to love you for being a great provider. It is obvious that she is not. 

If she knows WHY she does not love you, then maybe it is something you can address. If she cannot/will not tell you why she does not love you, then you have to decide if you want to be with someone who does not love you, and is very unhappy they are with you. 




marriedwithchildren said:


> Me and my wife have been married for 5 months now.
> We used to cuddle and make love all the time. We used to talk about everything. We shared everything together.
> 
> NOW...
> ...


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## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

This is a post from my thread, i only had 1 response as of now, yet if ANYBODY has any advice please feel free to give me some advice as well. Marriedwithchildren I hope you can maybe find some insight by comparing my situation.


I love my wife very much, we had been together for 9 yrs, married for 3 yrs, and have a 5 yr old daughter together, no other children. About a year ago she decided that she was unhappy. There has been no affairs, no substance abuse, or gambling problems or domestic abuse of any kind. we are about the same age (29/30) and she feels that she is very depressed and dosnt know why. She claims that she needed space and I stayed with some family for a week, then she claimed that I needed to be at home with her and our daughter. Howeve since I have been back at home she shows me no affection at all, an ocasional hug (sorry for spelling) and a kiss if im lucky. We are however still sexually active with eachother, yet afterwards she dosent even want to sleep in the same room as me. She was seriously considering a divorce, however she told her family that she feels she would be making a huge mistake, yet she tells me that she dosnt want to be with anyone right know do to her depression. She has been spending a lot of time with her girlfriends from work, (keep in mimd we have not been getting along for a while) apparently she has been discussing her depression and marriage with HER counsler, I have resulted to seeing OUR marriger counsler on my own. Im pretty close to her family my family too, by in-laws) and according to them, she had informed them that she is'nt getting a divorce, however she wants me to think that so i realize what I could lose, she is testing me by playing HARD TO GET. Ive been playing this game for a while, yet now Im growing resentful due to the lack of affection,I love her, my freinds and family tell me to GET OUT while I can but I just cant muster up the strength to do so, Im too much in love with her, and my daughter is oblivious to what is going on between us, yet when I spend time with (see, we no longer do things as a family anymore either) I just get depressed because it feels like she should be with us, it reminds me of the times when things were right, I suddenly grow really depressed, even the most adorable things she dose reminds me of my wife and I find myself holding back tears, Im willing to do ANYTHING to save my marriage, I LOVE HER, everything I do is for the two of them from work to leisure, I feel invisible. We still live together, have relations, and go out ocassionally, she hugs me every now and then but Im lucky if a get a kiss of to work or a "how was your night when I return" I feel like leaving, moving out but I cant take the lonlieness, and I fear that not being around my do more damage then good, even though she acts like she wants nothing to do with me. Please, I need some advice from others who can relate.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Invisibleman-----Ok. I'm 32 and been married 11 years. I have 4 kids and my wife returned from a long trip to let me know that she wants out about 50 days ago. First off. Stop reading into so much. Sounds like she is checking your manhood and self confidence. You need to go to counseling together. Not only counseling, but the RIGHT counselor. Typically, faith based where divorce is the absolute last option. It is absolutely paramount you go to a good one, and hopefully together. If you are even entertaining leaving, it will undermine your resolve. STOP talking about it with friends and relatives. They are affecting you, and in the event you do get right with her, it will hinder their thoughts of her going forward in your lives together. Keep in mind this is a LONG process. You need to decide how you are going to act everyday and be consistent. Don't let her see your frustrations. You are going to have to find out where the problems lie, and ask yourself if you can make the sacrifices in life necessary to win her. Pick up the book "The Love Dare" from the movie Firproof. Start there. You have to change you, before you can see her change. I have done this, and I am seeing massive changes in my wife. However, it is slow and don't have your expectations too high. You have 9 years of something bothering her even though you guys got married 3 years ago. It will take time to get her to really love again.

Whatever you do, don't get "clingy". Give her space when she wants it and be strong. Sounds like some deep anger exists. She is crying out for you to stabilize the situation. You have to focus on you and realize you have to have the strength to handle her emotions. That is what she wants. A man who can handle her and be consistent regardless of her emotion swings. Make a plan, stay resolved to it.


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## dexter737 (Nov 13, 2010)

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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Put keylogger software in your computer and DISCREETLY check her cell phone records/text messages. You say she isn't cheating, because you can keep an eye on her, but maybe she is having an EA online. This instant coldness is a Red Flag for an affair. There are so many posts from people here who are in EAs, and never met the OP yet.


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