# Stop by, have a laugh. Married 20+ never had sex



## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

So, I've trawlled the forums and found most of my answers so I guess I'm just sharing this for everyone to add their 2cents.

I'm male, 45 married my high school sweetheart
Been married 20+ years she's still a virgin

Yep never had sex
She has vaginausms never wanted to face treatment and I never forced myself on her.. We've been together since we were 17

I feel like an absolute fool.

I last had sex when I was 15.. I cannot take anymore.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Wow

I'm not going to laugh at you, that would just be nasty for anyone to do. 

But what you are going to do about it?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Whoa. I don't know how you lasted 20 years. That's insanely long.

What is in your mind to do now?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm so sorry.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I had to look this one up. What is vaginismus? - Vaginismus.com

It said this on the website. Vaginismus is highly treatable and a full recovery from vaginismus is the normal outcome of treatment. 

What is her reasoning in not getting treatment? Embarassment?

Add: This may seem weird but it seems the treatment is gradual "stretching" by the use of graduating sizes of dildos basically. If I am not mistaken that's the same thing that a person who has undergone sexual reassignment surgery does to be able to accommodate intercourse.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*All I can do is wish you luck with it. Wait maybe you should try and tell her how you really feel. That it is not just about the sex. It is more about you expressing your love. JMO MC or IC might help with this issue.*


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Ok after reading more it isn't stretching with the little dildos you are using them for practice. You basically start with the smallest and do kegal like exercises and then build up to the larger ones.

Learn something new all the time.


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

I do not believe it.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Hopefully you had sex in other ways?


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

My sex life consists of a BJ every 6 weeks, I finish myself and sperm is poison that should never go near any orraface.

Lately ever that has gone, it's now what I refer to as a WWT (wank with teeth.

I love eating her out but she's not a huge fan


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

luvintokyo said:


> I do not believe it.


You don't have too, but it's the absolute truth


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## landon33 (Jul 13, 2012)

The two of you never wanted children?


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

landon33 said:


> The two of you never wanted children?


Um, from nil penetration to children is a very long way..
She's never wanted kids and I guess I never had the choice


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Horse said:


> Um, from nil penetration to children is a very long way..
> She's never wanted kids and I guess I never had the choice


Yea, we get that it's very unlikely to happen without penetration... the point Landon was making was asking if you ever discussed wanting children before you attempted having sex.

Ok, so she never wanted kids... but did YOU ever want any? Gotta say, she found the best way to avoid having kids...choosing to not try to fix something that is fixable.


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Hello Mr. Horse,

I want to commend you on your bravery and respect for coming here to share this with us. I can somehow relate to you on an experience level, but I am a woman, and I was a virgin when I first met/slept with my husband. I was 23. Now, as a woman, being a 23 year-old virgin is both a badge of honor and the scarlet letter of shame. I was VERY EMBARRASSED to tell my husband that I was a virgin. H*!! I was 23 years old!!! I should have had at least 1 experience! Right? :scratchhead: After I had my initiation into sex, I never wanted it to happen again!!! IT HURT LIKE A [email protected]#$#@! I couldn't believe that someone who professes to love me to make me do that again!! I am now 46, and I love sex almost as much as he does! Believe me that really is saying something if you knew he was a former military man who just got of of an island or duty from over 2 years without sex. He was 25 then.
I want to tell you that you can't imagine how painful sex can be for an average woman, not to mention a woman with vaginismus. When I lost mine, and for a couple of years after, it felt like I just put my WRIST through MY EAR CANAL and FLOSSED with it for 20 MINUTES!!!!! NOT COMFORTABLE AT ALL!!!!!  
I did NOT have vaginismus! I think you are an exceptional man with soooo much love in his heart to put yourself through this!!!!! You are a GOOD MAN!!:smthumbup: 
Now, you NEED to get your wife to a professional sex Dr. First, start with an Obstetrician/ Gynecologist. After that you should ask for a specialist in this area. Women were biologically designed to have children ( a basketball pass through her legs!) Yeah, tacky but if you take measurements, the pelvic structure of a woman has an opening about 4-5 times bigger than a man's. Also, if a baby's head can pass through that opening, well, I'm sure you won't cripple her. 
I'm not saying vaginismus is not a problematic condition, but she is not the first one to have it and she can also be treated for it as have many other women have. Remember, I am a woman too, so I have an understanding of what is happening, but REALLY 20 YEARS IS MORE THAN LONG ENOUGH to TREAT THIS PROBLEM!!!!!!!

SEEK MEDICAL HELP!!!!!

Good luck to you both!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Thanks you made my situation pale in comparison.

Sorry for you man.

She absolutely needs to start treatment so you can consummate your "marriage".


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Annulment?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

maybe your user name is why she's afraid to have sex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Horse said:


> Um, from nil penetration to children is a very long way..
> She's never wanted kids and I guess I never had the choice


Of course you had a choice. And at some point, you have to take responsibility for being in your situation. It's your decision to stay in a sexless marriage for 20 years. Nobody forced you to. Nobody lied to you or mislead you that you were having sex. 

And most importantly, it's not going to change in the future until YOU make it change. I'm not saying you should pack up this weekend, but I'm saying that you need to decide what your boundaries are, and then work on enforcing them. A good starting point may be the two of you attending sex therapy together, and you seeing her making significant effort to change, even if it doesn't mean changing overnight.

C


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

sexy said:


> Hello Mr. Horse,
> 
> Now, you NEED to get your wife to a professional sex Dr. First, start with an Obstetrician/ Gynecologist. After that you should ask for a specialist in this area. Women were biologically designed to have children ( a basketball pass through her legs!) Yeah, tacky but if you take measurements, the pelvic structure of a woman has an opening about 4-5 times bigger than a man's. Also, if a baby's head can pass through that opening, well, I'm sure you won't cripple her.
> I'm not saying vaginismus is not a problematic condition, but she is not the first one to have it and she can also be treated for it as have many other women have. Remember, I am a woman too, so I have an understanding of what is happening, but REALLY 20 YEARS IS MORE THAN LONG ENOUGH to TREAT THIS PROBLEM!!!!!!!
> ...


Well heres the kicker, one of the things that sent me off looking for answers and support is this.

She was contacted by her dr when she turned 45 to get a mammogram done, I suggested she get a smear test at the same time..
Her answer was that she didn't need to, she'd spoken with her Dr 15 years ago about everything and there is a note in her file saying not to contact her about smear tests..

So a shame that I thought was ours alone isnt, it's also pinned to a file! And far from addressing the issue she has sidestepped it completely, with a medical professional...
:scratchhead:


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

67flh said:


> maybe your user name is why she's afraid to have sex.


Hahaha
Hahaha
Ha


Ha
Ha

No


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

PBear said:


> Of course you had a choice. And at some point, you have to take responsibility for being in your situation. It's your decision to stay in a sexless marriage for 20 years. Nobody forced you to. Nobody lied to you or mislead you that you were having sex. .
> 
> C


Yep totally agree, was always hoping and hanging in there thinking maybe something would change..

That's why I feel like such an idiot.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

So your ashamed that she talked about it to a Dr?

Does she think that since she doesn't have sex that she doesn't need yearly exams? Just because she don't have sex don't mean she can't have other female issues or can't have cancers.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

All very well but what are *you *going to do about it?

Or do you just want to chat to people?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> All very well but what are *you *going to do about it?
> 
> Or do you just want to chat to people?


I really hope this is not real because I would maybe put up with 6 months and then give an ultimatum get treatment or that's it d. Maybe you can get an annulment since you never had sex. I feel for you but do something about this and move on.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

Holland said:


> All very well but what are *you *going to do about it?
> 
> Or do you just want to chat to people?


I have a plan that I will finally implement and as I couldn't find anything even remotely as stupid as this I just thought I share to make people feel better.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I can pretty much assure you no-one here will laugh at you about this. It's a terrible situation to be in... especially when it's gone on for so many years. 

So what's the plan now? Or as Holland said are you just here to vent?

I hope it's the former... I'd hate to think of you going another 20+ years without sex.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> So your ashamed that she talked about it to a Dr?
> 
> Does she think that since she doesn't have sex that she doesn't need yearly exams? Just because she don't have sex don't mean she can't have other female issues or can't have cancers.


No more shattered that she had a chat with her DR and there was no forward movement.. She has never wanted to seek treatment but still discussed it with someone and didn't let me know...


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

tom67 said:


> I really hope this is not real because I would maybe put up with 6 months and then give an ultimatum get treatment or that's it d. Maybe you can get an annulment since you never had sex. I feel for you but do something about this and move on.


Seriously and totally real...

Will be doing something about this and moving on never fear...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Horse said:


> I have a plan that I will finally implement and as I couldn't find anything even remotely as stupid *as this I just thought I share to make people feel better*.


Not sure if you are trying to be comical about it but how would your suffering make anyone else feel better? That is strange.

Have you had any counselling? Sounds like you need some.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Honestly I'm thinking that for you to not push this issue to finality all these years I suspect you are extremely low drive. Or too lazy to leave or something. But anyway 20 years is far too long. I don't see how you can ever get back to her emotionally even if she magically started putting out. Can you still get an annulment if the marriage isn't consummated?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This ain't funny =/

In fact, it's shocking how you can survive 30 yrs without anything... in fact, I hardly believe it


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you have reliable outside confirmation of what she has told you? Do you know for a fact she has this condition? Do you know for a fact she has discussed it with a doctor?

A normal human would crave sex and would seek physical closeness. Just hugging or snuggling in bed would get a person aroused who had not had sexual activity for a few days or weeks.

What I am getting at is that regardless of a medical condition she should have shown signs of (and talked about) a sexual frustration. But you describe the opposite, an aversion to sex.

Which leads me to wonder if there is a trauma in her history such as childhood sex abuse.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

Thor said:


> Do you have reliable outside confirmation of what she has told you?


No



Thor said:


> Do you know for a fact she has this condition?


 Yes



Thor said:


> Do you know for a fact she has discussed it with a doctor?


 Yes



Thor said:


> What I am getting at is that regardless of a medical condition she should have shown signs of (and talked about) a sexual frustration. But you describe the opposite, an aversion to sex.
> 
> Which leads me to wonder if there is a trauma in her history such as childhood sex abuse.


Nope no trauma, happy normal only child, her mum had major issues with a previous marriage. but her dad was a model father..

She mentioned that one of her friends told her sex was the most painful thing she'd ever felt.. My wife took her word for it and has been scared ever since.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> This ain't funny =/
> 
> In fact, it's shocking how you can survive 30 yrs without anything... in fact, I hardly believe it


Believe it, it's true..
and it's funny.. tragically funny


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

Holland said:


> Not sure if you are trying to be comical about it but how would your suffering make anyone else feel better? That is strange.
> 
> Have you had any counselling? Sounds like you need some.


Yes sorry, attempting humor in a hurtful situation..
So maybe not, make people feel better, but just saying there's always someone worse off? 

And no I haven't had counseling


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I know you said there wasn't but aside from the condition, this sounds like some serious sexual abuse also I know I'm just grasping at straws but :wtf:


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

tom67 said:


> I know you said there wasn't but aside from the condition, this sounds like some serious sexual abuse also I know I'm just grasping at straws but :wtf:


Nope, no abuse.. none..
Happy loving family..


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Horse said:


> Nope, no abuse.. none..
> Happy loving family..


Sorry my man going to bed keep us posted thanks.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

My q is whyyyy?? Why??? Oh my god, Am I in shock!! I'm so sorry for you man. I hate to add gas to the fire, but you've wasted and let go of the best, most prime years of your sexual life. 

You seem to have a plan, and very set on it, but I'm wondering, why'd you wait so long?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Horse said:


> No
> 
> Yes
> 
> ...


She took one friends word that "sex is the most painful thing she's ever felt"??? Where are all the other friends to tell her that sex is f*cking amazing and she has noo right to prevent you that right?!!


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> My q is whyyyy?? Why??? Oh my god, Am I in shock!! I'm so sorry for you man. I hate to add gas to the fire, but you've wasted and let go of the best, most prime years of your sexual life.


Thanks.. 


fallensoldier said:


> You seem to have a plan, and very set on it, but I'm wondering, why'd you wait so long?


shhh.. dont tell anyone but I have no plan and no clue what to do next.. I'm still waiting


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> She took one friends word that "sex is the most painful thing she's ever felt"??? Where are all the other friends to tell her that sex is f*cking amazing and she has noo right to prevent you that right?!!


I think that was the only friend she talked to about that stuff...


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think it's time to move on. if you have put it all on the line and she has refused to do anything about it, then it's futile to stay.

You will find someone else who wants you, and who enjoys sex.

No one deserves to be in a sexless marriage.

You need to be upfront and leave now, while you are still young enough to meet someone and enjoy sex. Do not wait any longer.

Do not grow old, and full of resentment and regrets.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Since I have been "banned" several times for "not being helpful" in one or more of my posts, I won't make any attempt to try here, either.
However, after going twenty years in what I'll call my "former marriage" and only getting ANY attention from my cheating ex wife a couple of times a year for the last ten, I know it's possible for your situation to exist. 
The major difference was that SHE was getting serviced while I was toiling away to provide for her and her two bastard children.
Get out of your sham marriage. I got out of mine and things have never beenbetter.
Good luck and probably goodbye.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Horse said:


> So, I've trawlled the forums and found most of my answers so I guess I'm just sharing this for everyone to add their 2cents.
> 
> I'm male, 45 married my high school sweetheart
> Been married 20+ years she's still a virgin
> ...


Are you a virgin Horse?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Are you a virgin Horse?


He said the last time he has sex was at age 15.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
Run the MAP, man up, and ditch her.

Good luck.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Horse, that is horrible, and I really really hope you get away from this woman because she sounds SO selfish!! You NEED a plan. Formulate one. Tell your wife what you need in no uncertain terms, give her a time limit, tell her what will happen if she doesn't do what you need, then stick to it. Just do it, man.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

yeah you've wasted a lot of good years, but you can still have many good years ahead. Cut your losses and RUN...far far away from that selfish woman! and never look back...


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

Geez he's had BJ's every 6 weeks...... That's not too bad (and a lot better then most)

Ask me and I'd look at the positive, no performance anxiety, PE, worrying about her orgasm and her straying.......


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Your frustration is just going to get worse. Even if you confront her now with some sort of ultimatum (get this corrected or I'm outta here), you still have months of no sex until she can get it corrected.

I think you have to do the ultimatum and if she's willing, hang in there for a few more months. If she isn't, leave.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife was like your when we met. She was 25 and a virgin. She came from a loving family. She said she wanted to make sure I would stick around. I waited for over a year and she cried the whole time. That wasn’t exiting for me. She never liked dildos or vibrators. After 3 years we split up and went our separate ways. 

After 6 months she wanted to come back. She said she would try the sex thing more. So for the next 15 years it was just 2 times a month or so and each time was painful for her. Sex was never good. She never wanted to see the OBGYN…afraid of the PAP!

Somehow we had a baby. I thought it would get better.

2 years ago almost to the day, I did my 180 thing, I don’t want to say much about the trigger. (Too long of a story). She finally came around. She tried harder and forced herself to have more sex. It was only because she thought I was out the door though. She initiated sex most of the time for a while.

Recently, I made her get a job. After 9 years of being a SAHM. It was about time. She is mad at me.

NOW, she is too tired for sex and her body hurts for being on her feet so long…I think we have had sex 3 times in 2 months now. I suppose I should be grateful for that.

I can easily understand why you waited so long. She is probably your best friend.

So now, like my user name, I am already gone


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I would think any change your wife did, would be tempoary. 2 years of better sex doesn't make up for 18 years. I do think she started to enjoy it though. 

I don't have a real plan either. I want her to believe I can leave at any time. I do have a friend I can stay with, but I would rather not. My daughter is 9 years old and I don't want to spend time away from her. Also, my wife's sister is a lawyer.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I suffer/suffered from vaginismus (found out that when I was 14).
I can say the pain is absolutely excruciating (like having a red hot poker stuck inside you and moves around). 
It actually got sorted for me at 16 in a matter of months, when I got the bottle to go to the doctors than saw a gynecologist I was given a vaginal dilator, which doesn't so much stretch the vagina but trains the vagina muscles not to go into shock when penatrated, not I don't suffer from any pain and only have to use my dilator if Im not having sex for about 4 day's (just to keep the muscles trained).
You can by them online it might benefit researching them and giving the info to your wife, this might help you both without going to see someone for treatment.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Horse said:


> So, I've trawlled the forums and found most of my answers so I guess I'm just sharing this for everyone to add their 2cents.
> 
> I'm male, 45 married my high school sweetheart
> Been married 20+ years she's still a virgin
> ...


Vaginismus is not the reason you're in a sexless marriage. If this was a happy, well adjusted marriage, with her Vaginismus being the only real problem, the title of this thread would be " Stop by, have a laugh. Married 20+ never had *vaginal *sex". 

There are many ways to have sex. Even if you take the vagina off the menu, you could still be having a wild, varied, interesting sex life. If she truly wanted you sexually, but for whatever reason didn't want to address her vaginismus, then you'd be having lots of anal sex, mutual masturbation, oral sex, breast and nipple play, phone sex, etc; after all lots of gay men are having lots of sex, and there is no vagina in sight. She would still crave sex with you, but would be working around her vaginal issues. Your complaint would be about missing vaginal sex, not missing sex period.

But that's not happening. Your wife either has no interest in sex, and is possibly asexual, or has no interest in sex with you. It's been over two decades and she has been able to get away with turning you into an eunuch because you've allowed that to happen.

Stop blaming the woman's vagina for your lack of sex, and start dealing with the woman who's attached to it. If you're determined to stay, it's time to find out exactly who you are married to. I hope you prepare yourself for the answer.


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## Uncle guy (Oct 1, 2012)

I wouldn't laugh man. Honestly, I first thought was sadness. Twenty years of missing out on so much fun and pleasure.

Hope, you can somehow work it out.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

jaquen said:


> It's been over two decades and she has been able to get away with turning you into an eunuch because you've allowed that to happen.
> 
> Stop blaming the woman's vagina for your lack of sex, and start dealing with the woman who's attached to it. If you're determined to stay, it's time to find out exactly who you are married to. I hope you prepare yourself for the answer.


Thanks.. I've made it clear on here that I already know what an idiot I am but thanks for pointing it out in a new and brutal way..
:smthumbup:


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
> Run the MAP, man up, and ditch her.
> 
> Good luck.


:iagree:


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
> Run the MAP, man up, and ditch her.
> 
> Good luck.


Got it, reading it, loving it..
Looks like I've been working my way out of this situation for a year or more.. so way ahead of where I thought I'd be..

It's a real shame she's not a ***** and I still love her, cause hurting her is not what I want...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You don't have to hurt her.

You merely have a reasonable expectation in your marriage.

If she chooses not to be a wife, and she understands what the outcome of that choice will be, I ask how is it that you are hurting anyone?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Horse said:


> It's a real shame she's not a ***** and I still love her, cause hurting her is not what I want...


She's been mistreating you for 20 years. And you're still worried about hurting her. You need to keep reading and getting that red pill into your psyche. Once you start to see your marriage in the cold light of day, you won't be worried about hurting the woman who has been spending your paycheck for the last two decades.

Good luck.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, your situation isn't funny. Sex is important in marriage, and too many men and women try justifying their reasons for withholding it. If it's a physical condition that can be treated, and the spouse chooses not to accept treatment, there is no excuse. It's laziness and selfishness, end of story. 

You deserve better. Sure, you let things go on like this for way too long, but you can get your life back and find a woman who actually gives a crap about you.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

Just a quick update if anyone cares.

We had a good talk about 5 weeks ago and I made it pretty clear that I wasn't happy and things needed to change. She promised she'd be better and try harder.

Since than things have been exactly the same. No change, except she's acting much happier and positive.

I'm just getting my **** in order then I'm out of here.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Horse said:


> Just a quick update if anyone cares.
> 
> We had a good talk about 5 weeks ago and I made it pretty clear that I wasn't happy and things needed to change. She promised she'd be better and try harder.
> 
> ...


Congrats.
Took you quite a while but it looks like you finally took the 
" Red Pill."


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear this. For both of you. Honestly people can have what looks like a normal happy childhood and then it turns out someone outside the family molested them. 
Many people go half their lives thinking it wasn't real or a dream or they just can't deal with the pain so they avoid anything that reminds them of it. 
Some go their whole lives. 
Will she allow you to touch her vulva with your fingers? Have you ever tried to use a finger on her?
If she is that averse to sex she probably would be better off not married. 
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

All the best with your future. There is a big, wonderful world out there, enjoy it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Red pill, hmm, maybe. I do hope the best for you. But I'll believe it when I see it.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Horse said:


> She mentioned that one of her friends told her sex was the most painful thing she'd ever felt.. My wife took her word for it and has been scared ever since.


It sounds really childish of your wife to be afraid to have sex just because her friend told her so. 

As what others said, this could be an excuse for she is a low driver.
One who would crave sex would even undergo a surgery. At least, If I were here I would definitely fix it through a surgery.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> It sounds really childish of your wife to be afraid to have sex just because her friend told her so.


Yes I agree, it has become very apparent that my wife is still 16 in her head and that is pretty clear in the way she acts and treats me


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So did you explicitly tell her that the time has come to put out or get out? I suspect not, which is why she is going along in life happy as can be. I suspect that your big plan is to blind side her with divorce papers when she fails to live up to the expectations that you're too afraid to tell her you have. That's the red pill? That's alpha? No, I don't think so. Tell her your expectations. Give her a firm deadline. Tell her the consequences. Then do not waiver. That is the honorable thing to do. This sneak attack crap you're talking about in your update (just biding time) is not the way.

What does that even mean? Not happy and things need to change? What things. Did you tell her intercourse is a requirement or not? And she said she'll try harder? What's to try? You lay down, spread your legs, and do it. How exactly do you try harder? This 'good' conversation doesn't sound like it actually said anything.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> What's to try? You lay down, spread your legs, and do it. How exactly do you try harder?


Some awesome assumptions in your post..
But that last bit is the best..
That sounds closer to a$shol-e than alpha.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well I'd love it if you filled in the gaps. Sorry. It's just too tempting to make assumptions when you've been married to a virgin for 20 years and you're so vague about what you're doing to fix it. Maybe you should try being an a-hole for once. Nothing else has worked. What can it possibly hurt if the marriage is on its last legs anyway?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Are you kidding me????

There is no way for anyone woman I would give up sex for 17 years, ever!!!!

I would of been a good friend to her but married someone else and had kids.

What a waste of life. Sorry man, but what a waste!!! Your youth and prime all gone for nothing.


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## ryansdad (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow!!!! My wife was super tight after giving birth to our son via c-section.
So much so that even a couple weeks after the time for her to heal had passed,
intercourse was just too painful. She was really H.D then and so I would go down on her,
taking care of her orgasm, then we'd finish via anal. I feel for you Mr. Horse!! I do love my wife,
but it would be too painful for me to live with her and be denied that intimate connection. It would
feel like torture!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

CuddleBug-Am I missing something because on another post [I want to cheat]you say your sex life has been bad for 13 years so you need to look at your own advice.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

ryansdad said:


> Wow!!!! My wife was super tight after giving birth to our son via c-section.
> So much so that even a couple weeks after the time for her to heal had passed,
> intercourse was just too painful. She was really H.D then and so I would go down on her,
> taking care of her orgasm, then we'd finish via anal. I feel for you Mr. Horse!! I do love my wife,
> ...


Thanks bra, great story


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Horse, you really do need to be blunt and straightforward with her. You need to make it clear that if, by a certain time, she hasn't had sex with you, that divorce is coming. She needs to not just hear that there will be consequences, she needs to SEE that there will be consequences. 

And please, for your own sake, don't back down. Feminism these days says that it's a woman's right to say no, and outside of marriage, I agree. But within a marriage there are obligations each spouse must do for the other. For a wife, it's sex. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, it means she no longer wants to be your wife. You should find someone who DOES love you as a wife should, because yours simply doesn't care.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

Left, living with my sister for a little while..
Feel fecking awful, W is not coping and desperate to make it up to me.
Worst time of my life.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Stop feeling bad, Horse. If she were willing to get her condition treated, you wouldn't have to start distancing yourself from her and the marriage in the first place.

But is she? Is she getting treated for her condition? Is her attitude towards sex any different?

My guess is, since you're living with your sister now, no. She has not changed. She's crying because you're giving her consequences. After all, you've been enabling her for twenty whole years. This "sudden" change in your expectations is new and unexpected.

You've been denied a proper sexual relationship with your wife, by your own wife no less, for twenty years. And _you_ feel bad for her? The reason she isn't having vaginal sex or even interesting sex with you, is because you've been completely okay with that for the entirety of your marriage. Your wife said "no" and you pretty much shrugged your shoulders and said "okay."

Stand up for yourself and your needs. She can either change her attitude, correct her condition and start a proper sexual relationship with you, or she can enjoy a sexless life alone.


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## Horse (Oct 12, 2012)

Yeah everyone keeps saying that, and I'm fully aware that she lives in a bubble that I created but we've been together for 27 years and I cant switch off the caring even to save myself and her both.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

A lot of people in this world do not make change until they hit rock bottom and this may be where your wife is at,she has now been put in a postion where if she cares about you that much she will go get the help.

I am very sory to here your pain,but if things come out for the better you will be gald you did this.You need to hold your ground. I have not read every reply,so did you give her conditions that must be met for the marrige to continue[going to the Doc,regular sex if everythhing is OK ECT ECT].

You need to stay your course and do not give in.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

I'm sorry for both you and your wife. I think we've established that you need to have a pretty direct conversation with your wife about your unhappiness. Talk to your wife. Explain how her decisions are affecting you and ask her what you can do to change her feelings towards sex. Suggest counseling/medical treatment. Here's the clincher, you won't have any control over what she chooses to do. 

And then you have at least three options:

Door #1:
Do nothing, accept you situation, continue to make jokes, be grateful for the occasional BJ.

Door #2: 
If divorce is not an option for you, then make changes to yourself. Anything to make you feel better. Get in shape if you are not, get some porn and watch it openly. Get one some sex toys, a blow up doll even. Some may even say you are within your right to suggest an open marriage. "Honey I'll see you tomorrow, going to a sex club tonight". Not my cup of tea, but your situation is quite extreme, I think it's time to think outside the box.

Door #3: (my preferred door): 
It is time to tell her you need to move on. Tell her it's not that if she doesn't have vaginal sex you are out, but her lack of trying is not something you can accept. There are many other ways to get intimate and her inability to consider any option is not something you can continue to live with. Tell her you are not comfortable with stepping out of your marriage even with her knowledge and permission and so you think it's time for a separation. And someone else said annulment in this thread, do not know the limits here, but your marriage definitely sounds like it would be eligible.

Good luck.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Horse said:


> Left, living with my sister for a little while..
> Feel fecking awful, W is not coping and desperate to make it up to me.
> Worst time of my life.


Guess you went with #3. Hope you had the talk though. Hang in there.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Horse said:


> Left, living with my sister for a little while..
> Feel fecking awful, W is not coping and desperate to make it up to me.
> Worst time of my life.


She will come around.
Stand your ground.
Clearly make your needs known to her. Do not be ambiguous.
Let her know that you are not coming back if the status quo remains.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Desperate to make it up? Um, no. Only believe actions, not words. No matter how tearful the words. If she's still a virgin, then her actions have spoken. She's not desperate at all.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Horse said:


> No
> 
> Yes
> 
> ...


What a cruel hoax for a friend to inflict on someone.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Horse said:* She mentioned that one of her friends told her sex was the most painful thing she'd ever felt.. My wife took her word for it and has been scared ever since.


Not enough women openly talk about the sheer Joy , beauty & pleasure of







, and when it is talked about, it is usually not in the context of a healthy marriage. With friends like that, who needs enemies. 

I just feel this story is so very very very very sad.... 

I think any woman in this situation should have let her husband go ...knowing what she was doing to him.....if she was not willing to go out of her way to *get help *so she could give her man a happening emotionally & physically connecting sex life.... she should have been fvcking ashamed of herself ....seriously....and let him go, even pushed him out the door. 

NO man needs to LOVE this much -nor should he!! You have shown unconditional love to this woman, that was a mistake... Far too many take advantage of things like that, they get comfortable....you have likely never shown her what she stands to lose, you enabled her. But you see this now. Not trying to hurt you further. 

How you have even managed to not be eaten alive with *Resentment* & even remained faithful ....I couldn't begin to even understand that. 

No more Mr Nice guy. Salvage the rest of your life... BE SELFISH HORSE, you deserve it.... her pure selfishness has cost you - your best years, a man's sex drive & his desire for connection is a pure gift from Heaven... Of course , you had choices...it can't all fall on her... but you are wiser now. You can see her for the lying selfish woman she is ~ learning of this hidden Doctors appointment. 

Begs the queston....what else has she been hiding?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Have you ever read this Horse ...... it speaks from a perspective of what has been LOST ... was written from the wife's perspective...who did have an active healthy sex life for the 1st 10 years of her marriage...she stayed ~ didn't say why... but the pain was ever present, nagging, it couldn't let her go. 



> This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like
> 
> 
> This post is not about virtue. It is not an ask for sympathy. It attempts to explore what I've learned about sex and sexuality since sex ended within my long-term relationship. I won't say much about why, because half of it is not my story to tell and I have no right. Just know that because of illness and after sharing a normal, monogamous, sexually active relationship for nearly a decade, my spouse suddenly lost the need, desire, and passion for sex.
> ...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Horse said:


> So, I've trawlled the forums and found most of my answers so I guess I'm just sharing this for everyone to add their 2cents.
> 
> I'm male, 45 married my high school sweetheart
> Been married 20+ years she's still a virgin
> ...


Have her sign a consent form that she be given a general anesthetic, and when she is out you will deflower her....At least that will get over the first hurdle.....

However MILLIONS of women go through this procedure annually without the paperwork, and with beer substituted for the anesthesia....I am certain I would have gone the second route 19 years and 28 days ago.....

Seriously, has your wife ever had any serious pain, or painful medical procedures? Is her phobia just about sex or pain in general?

What if she finally tries sex and really LOVES it? What a waste......No laughs here.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just saying... I was a virgin when we married, it hurt like hell.. we had a little more trouble than the average... it was ME who couldn't take it any longer throwing my hands up in the air & saying ":wtf:this is ridiculous!!" ... & called the OBGYN to say (how embarrassing it was)..."Doc, he can't get it in! what the hell is wrong with me?" (left the last part out)... 

I had a very rigid hymen -enough so he was going to give me surgery... but we found, after a blood test I was "with child"... what a shock ! 

We worked at it & worked at it .... I wanted it -- and badly. 

My husband was more patient than I was... looking back. He should have just rammed me good -but he was never like that... The beauty of sex is like having a baby... some things are worth every moment of pain... every mother who loves her child will say...she'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

Your wife has no idea what she has missed all of these years... what a living shame. She must have a non existent sex drive -only this makes sense. To allow FEAR... to rob her & her husband of this mutual pleasurous Joy, even giving up children because of it ~ it's hard for some of us to grasp.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

I am going to laugh cause you let us Horse and It's funny like hell.
But back to the point
you said "She mentioned that one of her friends told her sex was the most painful thing she'd ever felt.. My wife took her word for it and has been scared ever since."

Are we being serious? She is not 17 anymore. She did grow up in the meantime didn't she? All the bull we believe in when we are teenagers doesn't drag with us for the whole life ( because we GROW UP!) Honestly I think that this is the most lame excuse from her I ever heard.
I know you guys probably don't realize how much it hurts first time but that doesn't stop all the woman from having kids.
Additionally I think you all remember how worked up were we during the first time - hormones bumping off the walls, the ecstasy and excitement wouldn't let you not notice even if you got shot at the time.

So maybe you just never excited her? Maybe she used you as the meal ticket but never was attracted to you?

I don't think I'm different then other girls but when you really get excited and passionate, when your hormones flow - the orgasm is not only what you are after. I need to have it inside of me to feel I'm together, you have to have intercourse to complete the intimacy. BJ and going down is more like a business deal 

You should get someone on the side if you want to stay with her. I'm not sure about US vows but I'm pretty sure sex is the requirement unless you decide before that you want white marriage.

It really annoys me how much you lost over the years - not sex but what we feel when we have sex with the loved one.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Horse said:


> Left, living with my sister for a little while..
> Feel fecking awful, W is not coping and desperate to make it up to me.
> Worst time of my life.


Sorry about your situation. But taking action is the correct course. Only your actions will show your wife how serious you are. And only your wife's actions can show you whether she wants you back, or not.

Good luck.


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