# Puzzled about this...



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

This is something I've grappled with for many years, but am able to article it only now....

My partner has this thing about expressing her sexuality. Leave aside wanting to sexually attract me, she doesn't seem to want to even acknowledge her sexuality to herself.

For instance, if she's in the mood for sex, she would express it as: "I only want to hug you."

To a male, this can be rather confusing. Agreed, it's subtle and a message. But I'd love if it was more direct for a change...

Even in our early days of relationship, I don't think she ever mentioned the word sex. It was things like snuggle, hug, or whatever....

Some might say that this is hint enough...

But for a guy who wants to feel manly, a more direct appeal would be a huge turn-on.

Sometimes, something so subtle can be a turn-off too. I sometimes catch my subconscious thoughts running along the following lines: You ONLY want to hug? When I'm so desperate for sex? If it's hugging alone, I'd rather not do it... etc.

I do understand that in some cultures sex is subtle, brushed under the carpet, or never even spoken about. I too was in a way similar, and thought it was normal all along, till another partner thought me otherwise... (She was very articulate about her desire for sex, and that was a BIG turn on, a sense of feeling wanted.)

My question: how do I cope with it? Do I just learn to live with it? If we discussed things, is there any chance of changing the situation?

I might add that we've been in a rather long-term relationship, so it's not as hot as it once was. Your suggestions are welcome here...


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

What was your wife's upbringing like? My MIL pushed extreme sexual repression. MIL was raised Southern Baptist. She abandoned the religion but retained the views on sex. In every other way she's great, but to this day she has issues. As a couple of examples.... 

BIL is cohabitating with his GF. She cried and talked to my wife at great length about not being sure how to deal with it. 

My adult daughter has been dating an employee of MIL for two years now. They've become sexual, and both are terrified of MIL getting wind of what they are doing based on multiple comments from MIL.

This was passed on to my wife in a form similar to what you describe in your wife. My wife won't ever talk about or acknowledge her desires. They're obvious though. My wife is quite HD and willing to do _physically_ pretty much what I want. But to be sexually aggressive and assert her desires? Forget it. I've pushed considerably and she is completely unwilling to change one iota in this. She's also unwilling to explain why. 

This level is typically indicative of hard-wiring of the brain applied around ages 7 to 11. Things put in the brain at this stage of development are very stubborn to budge.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Thanks for sharing. Pretty much similar here. Once she's aroused, she pretty much enjoys sex. Till then, it's an uphill struggle. First to talk about it (even in a honest, sexual manner, leave aside things like dirty talk). Later on, she would urge me to take my orgasm and get on with it, forgetting hers, and claiming she doesn't want/need/can't manage one.

Persistence on my side shows that she's wrong... and she changes her desire, but only when rather close to orgasm. At this point, she'll actively collaborate to get it.

It only cause a dent in my sexual confidence. Not blaming her, and I realise it's something drilled into us, which we are well victims of.

But the fact is that my 'sexual awakening' came with another woman who was very outspoken about her desires. 



larry.gray said:


> What was your wife's upbringing like? My MIL pushed extreme sexual repression. MIL was raised Southern Baptist. She abandoned the religion but retained the views on sex. In every other way she's great, but to this day she has issues. As a couple of examples....
> 
> BIL is cohabitating with his GF. She cried and talked to my wife at great length about not being sure how to deal with it.
> 
> ...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

brownmale said:


> .... Once she's aroused, she pretty much enjoys sex. Till then, it's an uphill struggle. First to talk about it (even in a honest, sexual manner, leave aside things like dirty talk). Later on, she would urge me to take my orgasm and get on with it, forgetting hers, and claiming she doesn't want/need/can't manage one.
> 
> Persistence on my side shows that she's wrong... and she changes her desire, but only when rather close to orgasm. At this point, she'll actively collaborate to get it.
> 
> ...


My advice based on a wife who was raised Catholic and went to a school taught by nuns, was that sex was sinful, and a temptation to be avoided. She was told that sex with a husband was allowed. That was and is to an extent her mind-set. 

My wife has a lower desire than I do. That is something I can't change and have to understand and accept. We have negotiated frequency of sex so that my needs are met and that she is not pushed beyond her point of comfort. That is what marriage is about.

My wife will not do any dirty talk. When she is in the mood she usually says let's snuggle, which is her code words for I am in the mood to be sexual with you. Once in a while she will actually say she wants me or wants to make love to me, but it is rare, but thrilling. When aroused she does seem to enjoy sex, enjoys pleasuring me, and knows how important sex is to me in feeling close to her.

For the most part my wife has to be rested, relaxed, and have no worries or stress in order to orgasm. If she is worried about work, planning a big family dinner, she just can't orgasm no matter how much foreplay I provide.

In those situations, I have had to learn that it is just her and her sexual response. Even when she can't orgasm she still enjoys making love and giving me the gift of her body. She like holding me, making me orgasm and knowing the her body can rock my world after 44+ years of marriage. 

When the stairs align right, which is most of the time, she can have toe curling orgasms that shake her whole body. I love taking her there, but know it isn't my fault if she is not "in the mood" for that. 

What I have had to learn is that my wife and I are different. Our levels of sexual desire are different. How we enjoy sex is different. I love bringing her to orgasm, but to her she likes it, but sometimes she knows it won't happen and she still enjoys the bonding with me. I really don't want to put so much pressure on her that she starts faking orgasms just to "humor" me. I have learned to accept the woman I married and cherish her for who she is. I know that she loves me and wants both our marriage to work and to make me happy.

So to answer your question, marriage is about two people finding ways to please each other within their personal boundaries. Two people who are different, but have chosen each other and committed to a long term relationship.

Enjoy sex with your wife. Yes, learn to live with her code words for being sexual, learn to live with what she feels comfortable doing, learn to live with her not always wanting to orgasm when you have sex. You can't really change her, so learn to enjoy what you have. 

If you want periodically talk to her about things that would make you fall deeper in love with her and that would thrill you fine, but don't push her, don't nag, and don't constantly bring it up. Respect her and her right to choose who she is.


Good luck.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

My wife is usually direct and I would prefer subtly more often.

Work with your wife by getting your manly feelings from igniting her responsive desire or accepting her subtle way as coming on to you strongly in her own way

Another suggestion is to explain to your wife that you get excited by verbal expressions of desire and ask her if she would entertain a new behavior as an addition to her current approach


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My ex's parents instilled damaged and dysfunctional sexual attitudes in her, too. It's not easily overcome, and to do so may take years, great patience, and very, very gradual education and changes. Sometimes, nothing will change - as with my ex - and you either accept and adapt to what is, or move on. I did move on eventually for a variety of reasons, and deliberately sought out a new relationship with a woman who did not suffer from damaged sexuality.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you think the Catholic faith is the Agent Orange of sexual desire, try a true Theocracy, dress code and all . They're pretty good at shutting down desire at any level as well as cultivating a good amount of distrust against males. Kinda hard to respect males if you count as 50% of one in inheritance, legal matters,and so on.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Brownmale, based on my experience with my own wife and the latest discussion/argument/fight we had only a week ago, the answer is no, you won't ever be able to change her. I've been with my wife for 20 years (since I was 25, I'm 45 now) one thing stuck with me when she said, "I've always been this way, that's who I am," then added "Maybe you married the wrong woman," which really stung (as I realized how hurtful what I said must have come across.) Basically it's was a reality check and made me desperately want to change the narrative.

My wife is a bit like this when she's sober. I get her 2 drinks and she's completely different. She loosens up, and if I get her drunk enough (but not too drunk she's sick, which is a very fine line) she can even get downright naughty and a little aggressive.

At least I have that to work with. But sober, she's completely different and a little more like your wife (but not to quite that extreme.) She'll be non-sexual and if we're to have sex, it's me doing everything.

My suggestions:
1) You've already decoded her language. I want a hug may mean "take me to bed." Work on that. Figure out her body language and verbal language and what it means. She may be asking for affection, not necessarily sex, but it's up to you to give her that affection in sex... which she needs and wants. She may very well be telling you "if you want to have sex with me, do so if you want."

2) She's submissive. I've always known my wife was, but finally figured it out a year ago, that she wants me to be dominant or even a little aggressive. I'm not naturally an alpha male "take what I want" dominant kind of guy so it's a little outside my comfort zone. One night I got almost downright rough with her (pulling her hair, spanking her) and she lit up and went crazy. I really enjoyed it too. The trick in my case is to do it in such a way that's not demeaning or painful. She wants to be "taken" not abused. It's not something she ever would tell me or even necessarily knew about herself. I had to discover this on my own. I'm still a little uncomfortable being like that as I'm afraid of going too far, but I want to give her that if she likes it.

I'm not saying you have to get rough or overly dominant with her. I'm just saying you have to be the man and take her to bed. She isn't going to take you to bed. She wants you to have sex with her.
I've been with women in the past that were aggressive and I loved it. But my wife is not that way, and that's the way it is.

3) For the longest time I took at as rejection or lack of attraction. I always had to initiate and sometimes it felt like pulling teeth. Get over it. She is the way she is and it has nothing to do with you or her feelings toward you unless she's actually saying "no."

4) I hate to say it, but take a night and talk to her about it. Dig in to the uncomfortable territory and hash out a strategy with her. Mine essentially told me to just kiss her and have sex with her when I want to, otherwise I'll be waiting (for weeks or a month) for her to finally come to me for sex when she finally decides she needs it. Even then it's a "come and get me" kind of thing.
So you might have to talk to her and straight up ask her how often is too often or not enough, if she wants you to make moves more often. If she's not direct with her answers, then she wants you to decide. Mine simply said "not ever day, but 2-3 times a week" is the most she prefers (which is by the way more often than we've been doing it, so I have room for improvement.)

5) My wife really loves it when I give her massages. I give her a good massage, she loosens up. I make her feel sexy, and it works every time.

6) I sometimes buy my wife underwear or other clothing that I want her to wear. I tell her she looks sexy to me. Before I know it she's wearing it, knows it turns me on, and that's a sign to me that she's trying to attract me.

7) Come up with a language that works. For a while now, sometimes we have sex when I simply text her earlier in the day. It can be something sweet like a flirt followed by a proposition. Or something simple like "I can't stop thinking about you. Date tonight?" she'll respond with a smiley face or heart emoji, or "sure."
We also use a lot of humor in our relationship so I'll say "Netflix and Chill tonight" (a reference to what the "kids" today use as code for get together and have sex." She thinks it's funny. Or "margaritas tonight?" or "Nice massage tonight?" Both mean have sex.
What's good about this is that it sets the expectation and we kind of plan our evening so it can happen. Then there isn't the awkwardness of trying to read her mood or getting her attention or something.

It all depends on how you spend your time of course. Just work on it. But know this, she won't change. You can gradually work her up to being more comfortable about being sexual and more direct, but she's not likely to ever be sexually direct.
Unless you get her drunk. That always works for me. But mine does like a few glasses of wine from time to time.

Good luck!


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

My wife is the same way - she also revealed to me a few years ago that as a child she was molested. She didn't go into detail but everything suddenly made sense. I always wondered how someone so assertive could be the complete opposite in bed. Its a total turn off where you literally must beg for sex. Then she rejects 10 times for every green light. Its a way for her to validate that she is wanted. If it takes her man weeks of begging then he must really want her. If you stop then she goes into her cocoon and becomes truly miserable. Her existence toggles between being miserable and truly miserable and you are chained along for the ride. In the beginning if the relationship however she plays a somewhat normally balanced sex ego and its not until you are fully committed with kids etc that the rug is pulled from under your feet and even the people on this forum lose respect for you and your existence is reduced to wondering wtf you did to deserve it. 

Who knows if your case is due to sexual abuse or just repressive imprinting via religion or whatever but its probably due to something from her youth that is dang near impossible to change.

From my experience if you dedicate your time to compensating daily by constructing every little action to make things comfortable then you can enjoy some semblance of normalcy. By that I mean saying - "lets plan a romantic night for us in a week" then she can prepare mentally. I went through that phase and realized this worked because it eliminated the surprise factor as i imagine an abusers modus operandi is build on the foundation of surprise and corning the victim. After a while however you realize that you've spent a fortune on hotels and pampering and begin to feel like a prostitute dealing in the currency of affection.

Well ill probably get shredded for that but it is what it is - total dysfunction that is better left to professional devices for healing ... Happy new year !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

brownmale said:


> My question: how do I cope with it? Do I just learn to live with it? If we discussed things, is there any chance of changing the situation?


If you talk with her about it knowing that she already has a predisposition to not being open and familiar with her own sexuality, you run the risk of making her become defensive. Once she becomes defensive and you engage in an argument versus listening to how the conversation might be making her feel, further arguing will just make her feel inadequate and unaccepted in the relationship. ...so personally I would NOT advise you to define this as a problem and try to discuss it. 

What you can do is to discuss HOW and WHY certain things that she does that arouse you and make you desire her. Discuss this in a way so that she has a clear understanding of how YOUR desire works and how it is attributed to her. During these conversations do NOT expect her to talk about what she enjoys, simply allow her to build her self confidence in her ability and understanding of how you desire her. ...simply put THIS is what most women like. They enjoy knowing that they are desired and pursued. 

If she just wants a hug, be very respectful of that and never try to push her to enjoy more. It is OK for you to state that you want more such as a hand job, while you reassure her that you will not push her any further. What you will find is that *she will eventually respond to your arousal* and that she feels that you desire her, but also respect her. *Once she begins to respond, this is where she will start to tell you what she likes via NONVERBAL communication. *

...this is also the appropriate time to discretely reach underneath her pillow and pull out a few sexy things you hid in advance such as, a jar of coconut oil, set of latex gloves, some rope, three pulleys, remote vibrator, electrosex violet wand, nipple clamps, a balloon filled with warm water, honey, two ice cubes, clitoral suction device, blindfold (perhaps grab this first), some tequila, a lime, salt shaker, zucchini, numbing cream, chocolate covered strawberries, urethral sounds, disco light, your cape, roll of duct tape, aural protectors (for sensory reduction play), bicycle grips, and a feather. Odds are you'll find nonverbally that she is into that stuff once the moment is right!

:grin2:

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> You had me right up until you said "bicycle grips"; after that I started to get the idea you might be joking... :smile2:


The only joke is that I'm too cheap to buy a nice "bit gag" for pony play...

You got me!
Badsanta


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

badsanta said:


> The only joke is that I'm too cheap to buy a nice "bit gag" for pony play...
> 
> You got me!
> Badsanta


Make on out of duct tape


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Urethral sounds? I need to borrow one of the high sensitivity microphones from work...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

john117 said:


> Urethral sounds? I need to borrow one of the high sensitivity microphones from work...


 @john117 and @brownmale I'm writing a book for you guys (mostly john117) on strategies to help you win at the fine art of aversive sexual seduction. I'm still working out the "kinks" but it works along the lines of making your spouse believe that you have developed an "aversive sexual fetish." You tell her how much you have grown to crave her rejections and beg her for more. Brag to her about how much it turns you on and that you enjoy it when she is not in the mood. Claim it is like one long drawn out euphoric tease NOT to be able to have her. 

Checkmate! She can't avert that and she will be more open to sex in efforts to calm you down. 

Badsanta


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Alas, the subtleties of such bodily function fine humor generally fly over my wife's head


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Thanks a tonne for such elaborate and helpful sharing.



JamesTKirk said:


> Brownmale, based on my experience with my own wife and the latest discussion/argument/fight we had only a week ago, the answer is no, you won't ever be able to change her. I've been with my wife for 20 years (since I was 25, I'm 45 now) one thing stuck with me when she said, "I've always been this way, that's who I am," then added "Maybe you married the wrong woman," which really stung (as I realized how hurtful what I said must have come across.) Basically it's was a reality check and made me desperately want to change the narrative.
> 
> My wife is a bit like this when she's sober. I get her 2 drinks and she's completely different. She loosens up, and if I get her drunk enough (but not too drunk she's sick, which is a very fine line) she can even get downright naughty and a little aggressive.
> 
> ...


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @john117 and @brownmale I'm writing a book for you guys (mostly john117) on strategies to help you win at the fine art of aversive sexual seduction. I'm still working out the "kinks" but it works along the lines of making your spouse believe that you have developed an "aversive sexual fetish." You tell her how much you have grown to crave her rejections and beg her for more. Brag to her about how much it turns you on and that you enjoy it when she is not in the mood. Claim it is like one long drawn out euphoric tease NOT to be able to have her.
> 
> Checkmate! She can't avert that and she will be more open to sex in efforts to calm you down.
> 
> Badsanta


I want a signed first edition too, please.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

brownmale said:


> This is something I've grappled with for many years, but am able to article it only now....
> 
> My partner has this thing about expressing her sexuality. Leave aside wanting to sexually attract me, she doesn't seem to want to even acknowledge her sexuality to herself.
> 
> ...




Mrs.CuddleBug was raised by an atheist father and God fearing mother. So she is on the middle of the fence and since they're so shy, and keep to themselves, that also made its way into Mrs.CuddleBug.

Her low sex drive has to do with her body size and how she was raised.

My high adventurous sex drive.......I am a God fearing man and I want physicality and sex all the time.:grin2:


When married, the wife is to take care of her hubbies needs as her own and she is not her own anymore and vice versa.

So you have a high sex drive and she knows this, yet still does very little about it. She isn't taking care of your needs as her own.


It's a HD / LD sexual mismatch.

She is LD and isn't going to change for you.

You are HD and will do all the changing for her.

And the sad thing is, LD's don't see this as an issue....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CopperTop said:


> I want a signed first edition too, please.


For sexually averse people, I'm pretty sure that such decisions are not made the same way one decides to buy a cellphone. Those are hard, impassable boundaries. If someone is able and willing to put their relationship on the line instead of putting out - or meeting their spousal obligations - then simple mental tricks aren't going to cut it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

john117 said:


> For sexually averse people, I'm pretty sure that such decisions are not made the same way one decides to buy a cellphone. Those are hard, *impassable boundaries.* If someone is able and willing to put their relationship on the line instead of putting out - or meeting their spousal obligations - then simple mental tricks *aren't going to cut it*.


 @john117 I am beginning to think *YOU are aversive* to dealing with your wife. 

In a relationship all the power lies with the person who cares the least... so the first chapter of my book will be for you John. It takes NMMNG, and even rips him apart, and creates a husband that will otherwise be known as the "honey badger!" Cause you know you are going to really get stung when you go for the honey, but I'll teach you how to not give a shît! 










...get the fück out of my way you leopard!










...Here we are...










Yeah baby!

Cheers,
Badsanta

DISCLAIMER: While the metaphorical illustration of a honey badger pursuing sex may seem like an innuendo advocating nonconsensual intercourse, it is NOT. It is intended only to illustrate how a man should become completely immune to emotional abuse/rejection from his spouse in order to become confident and in control of the situation by simply not giving a shît about his own feelings. The result is a man who is irresistible and seductive to his wife.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm not averse of dealing with her, just indifferent. So that answers your first chapter 

NMMNG and the like are well past their expiration date dealing with such cases. You're making the same incorrect assumption I did, and boy was I wrong.


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

badsanta said:


> DISCLAIMER: While the metaphorical illustration of a honey badger pursuing sex may seem like an innuendo advocating nonconsensual intercourse, it is NOT. It is intended only to illustrate how a man should become completely immune to emotional abuse/rejection from his spouse in order to become confident and in control of the situation by simply not giving a shît about his own feelings. The result is a man who is irresistible and seductive to his wife.


I think you will have met your match with C2. I am certain she would pay large sums of money if she could give me erectile dysfunction so that she would never have to think about sex again. I haven't asked her for intimacy for something like 24 months, while carrying on as normal, and she is happier than ever.

I read another of your posts, somewhere, where you stated that an erection "just minding it's own business" was irresistible to a woman. I can state categorically that C2 can not only resist it, she is immune to it.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I can completely relate to the OP wife. I have zero need for sex. I can take it or leave it. Maybe twice a year when the stars and everything in the universe aligned correctly and my hormones to I might just come flat out and say "Please, please give it to me now. " Then we make a mad dash for the bathroom and lock the door. We have our 2 min of fun and I'm good for another 6 months. No "O" involved for me. 


I have a past history of child sexual abuse from ages 3-9, and a history of rape which occurred when I was 15 by a 21 yr old man for the duration of 9 months every weekend. Some considerable brainwashing took place there. 

So yeah, I have some sexual issues. I have been married for 20 years to the same man, and I really just don't care for sex. I can do it in the right mindset but I seldom "O" with him. I disassociate a lot, and cry after sex. With the help of some very good T my husband has learned that it has nothing to do with him. That hell is all mine. My H knows I will provide him my body because that is my wifely duty and he is willing to take what ever kind of limited sexlife he can get. If he leaves and cannot stay married to me because of this, then I don't blame him. Hell who signs up for that. 

We have gone to T with a a counselor who specializes in trauma. That has helped me gain piece of mind and understand, but it has not brought my need for sex back. It has helped my husband hugely though to know how to deal with me. It has helped him feel better about himself and that my rejection is not related to him. It improves his chances or geting lucky when he knows what to do with my flashbacks, and my body memories, and what to say and what not to say. Some good T can really help. It may not resolve your wifes issues, but it will help you to deal with your issues and hers. I can only explain it as a hell that lives in my mind, one I cannot escape. I have bad days with and I have horrible days. On a bad day he might get minimally lucky. So he takes it. 

Unfortunately for you things will likely not change much.If you and your wife are happy otherwise then maybe that is the thing to concentrate on. 

I will tell you the thing that helps me hte most. I wear my shirt and my socks during sex. That keeps me from being overwhelmed by uncomfortable sensations. It provides me with some thing to keep me from being fully vulnerable. Even a button up shirt unbuttoned if need be. maybe 10 times in the past 5 years have I been fully nude during sex. 

There are many tricks I have learned.. using an egg timer so I know that it will nto go on forever, that it ends in 15 min has helped a lot to . There are a few more, but I have a feeling I have said to much and gotten carried away with my own crap. I am sorry for that.

Best of luck to you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Big Mama said:


> ...."Please, please give it to me now. " Then *we make a mad dash for the bathroom and lock the door*. We have our 2 min of fun and I'm good for another 6 months. No "O" involved for me.
> 
> 
> ....So yeah,* I have some sexual issues*. I have been married for 20 years to the same man, and I really just don't care for sex. I can do it in the right mindset but I seldom "O" with him. I disassociate a lot, and cry after sex. *With the help of some very good T my husband has learned that it has nothing to do with him. That hell is all mine. *My H knows I will provide him my body because that is my wifely duty and he is willing to take what ever kind of limited sexlife he can get. If he leaves and cannot stay married to me because of this, then I don't blame him. Hell who signs up for that.
> ...


First my heart goes out to you, that is a lot on your plate. May I suggest you re-investigate PTSD therapists. Some are using oxytocin in their therapies. This is the feel good sex bonding hormone and the one that occurs during breast feeding. One of the properties is that it blocks brain receptors that are associated with negative feelings and fear. It promotes feelings of happiness and trust. It can be prescribed as a spray that you might talk to a therapist about prior to attempting to have sex with your H.

Second, inquiring minds want to know. *What do the two of you do in a locked bathroom for 2 minutes? * I could understand a locked bedroom, but the bathroom? For only 2 minutes? 

I wish you the best.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

It's called 3 children and no privacy and 2 min is how long a commercial is. 2 min of PIV doggie is enough to get the job done. It meets my initial needs and I can take care of the rest later or may have already taken care of them while kiddies are napping, and I just need that last little bit or real live PIV to add the human element and feel the last of the hunger. 

The master bath is in the back of hte house, the kids can then knock on the bedroom door and ask for milk, or a snack or tell me that brother took my crayon or whatever and you can hardly hear them. It's the quietest simi quiet place in the house. 


Hummm oxytocin interesting. I will have to ask about that. Thank you very much. I just started neurofeedback today. I was having issues with triggers that are crazy again. I had to pour out a whole bottle of hand soap just this morning because of it's consistency and color that reminded me of something terrible. I guess it is ok to say what it reminds me of here. It reminded me of cum. 2 years after therapy and still continuing in therapy that should not be happening. Hopefully this will help.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It would take a very accommodating partner to go along with 4 minutes of (rushed) intimacy per year, unless I'm reading it wrong.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Yes you are reading that correctly. That is how often I get the urge. We do have sex at least once a week most of the time, but H wants me to initiate and wants me to be eager from time to time. And that is about how often my eagerness runs. 

After 2 min kids are hungry, and ready to kill each other left unsupervised. 

During regular after the kids go to sleep weekend sex, maybe 10 min from start to finish, warm up to clean up. Due to dissiociation it is very hard to tell time spans. The egg timer is a great help. I can set it for 15 min and if I get the feeling nothing is going to happen in terms of orgasam , then there is no need in continuing. If I do by some grace of GOD feel warmed up and like ther might be potential then we continue. But the knowing it will stop at some point seems to be most helpful. F ing me till I "O" can't always be achieved, so it is best not to continue on and on and on and on. The fear that it is not going to be stop until I "O" is huge. So this seems to work for us.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Not wanting to hijack this thread, maybe you should create your own post and story. 

However, may I suggest something that my wife and I did when our kids got a little order (you said crayons) and that is send the kids off to summer camp. That provided a week of special time and privacy. In parts of the country there are also weekend ski bus & lessons that provide several hours of privacy and potential intimacy.

Good luck and consider your own post/thread.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> What was your wife's upbringing like? My MIL pushed extreme sexual repression. MIL was raised Southern Baptist. She abandoned the religion but retained the views on sex. In every other way she's great, but to this day she has issues. As a couple of examples....
> 
> BIL is cohabitating with his GF. She cried and talked to my wife at great length about not being sure how to deal with it.
> 
> ...


Spot on with my wife as well. 

My wife's parents did their best to make my wife feel ashamed of her sexuality. Between ages 5-11 they dressed her up in little girl outfits and then at 12 became a tomboy in order to be the child her dad really wanted--Yes, her dad actually said to her that he wishes she was a boy. Her dad was a Presbyterian minister in the south.

My wife had been through tons of therapy but never really solved this problem. She usually only wants sex after she has been drinking and never talks about it outside the bedroom. Recently I tried to talk with her over IM about maybe trying new things and the only thing she would respond is "i'll think about it." That was a few months ago and we've never talked since.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Your wife sounds like me. I was raised in a strict christian home. I was taught what ever you do DO NOT bring attention to your self, Men are looking at you and that is BAD!!!!! I was also raised as a tomboy because my dad wanted a son. On the plus side I can weld, and fish, and play football like there is no tomorrow. So see there is a bright side to everything.


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## Frozen001 (May 31, 2012)

Alot of these responses sound like my wife. Raised by devout catholic parents, and she is very quiet about sex. She often compains about my openness about it. To her sex is for the bedroom only, and her play book is pretty limited. When she is really aroused she can open up a bit. Even though our marrage is a bit bumpy now, she does enjoy sex when we do have it. A few months back one night she was like differnt woman, I mean was down right a horn dog, but that was one time. and has never been like that again. 

Most nights her idea of letting me know she wants it is to go "I am going to bed". And I am serious about that. There have been times where I have stayed finished a move, and come up later to have her go what took you so long, I thought we were going to have sex. I have told her that if she wants to have sex to just tell me, but in the 7+ years we have been having sex, it has yet to happen.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

This is something suggested to me, that I considered doing but never did. (I am now separated, so I will not be doing it anytime soon) Buy an inexpensive candle. One of those ones in a little cup or a jar. The dollar tree has them for a dollar. In the event your wife feels like she is wanting sex or could even be persuaded to be in the mood. Have her light the candle. She doesn't have to tell you or anything. All you have to do is walk by and notice that it is lit. That will help you know what she wants, she will not have to use any words. That will also help you to remember to help keep her in the mood. Maybe do the dishes that night, or run the vacuum or fold the clothes, set down and watch TV with her, make her feel important to you. . Kiss her lightly if she is into that kind of thing and show non sexual affection. Later that evening if the candle is still lit then that means she is still willing. If it is not lit then she is not willing. You don't have to ask "What the heck" when she doesn't want to, you will know that in advance because the candle is no longer lit.


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