# How much to we want to know about the A



## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

Sometimes I want to know all the details, then I dont.
So far I have limited to myself 30 mins at a time of talking about it. If it goes longer then that I just cry or get angry and nothing is accomplished.

Every time we talk I do ask him what he is thinking or how he feels. 
What his dreams or hopes for the future for himself are.

Other days I need to forget about it to give myself a break.

I think I should know everything there is to tell, so I can make a wise educated choice on if I want to or can stay with him. Imagine if more comes out later! 

Any thoughts?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Sometimes the entire truth will break you if you're trying for R.

My wife knows that if she went for 100% of the truth, she probably wouldn't have taken me back.

All she needed to know was did I have a PA with another woman and that was it.

While others need 100% of the truth to try and heal to move on. Get rid of the mind movies of what could have happened. But as I've stated before, sometimes the entire truth is much worse that what you thought it was.

BTW, most WS who say they've told the entire truth 100% are still lying. Alot still hold out certain facts because they know it's something their spouse/SO cannot handle. They might give out 99% of the truth but will hold that 1% back in fear that they'll lose their chance for R.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

After DD, I was right where you are at - EXACTLY. From experience - sit down the entire weekend if you have to. Tell him - now is your chance to tell me EVERYTHING, and you will answer all of my questions or I am walking. You did this, and you owe me answers. 

If you don't hold him to the fire now, it will continue to trickle and it will eat at you, and drag out very painfully. Anyone here will tell you the same thing. Rip the bandaid off fast, don't pull it back a little at a time. That will kill what is left of your marriage and you.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

To be completely open about it, if I had found out 100% or even 99% on DDay, I would have kicked her out or left myself. Through my own research and various discussions we have had I realize I know about as much as I might ever know, but it is only about 65% I would estimate.

I think I am in the minority for men though, I am mildly interested in the sexual aspect, at least the details I don't have spelled out in her own words. But the larger issue to me is how did this all get started? What did you think when you felt it was becoming an affair? How did you live as the woman I knew during that time, and have this thing going on in secret? What was that like? I wonder more about that in reflection to something I screamed at her on DDay ..."WHO ARE YOU?". But then I was caught completely unaware and had no idea that anything was wrong in our marriage.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Link182 said:


> To be completely open about it, if I had found out 100% or even 99% on DDay, I would have kicked her out or left myself. Through my own research and various discussions we have had I realize I know about as much as I might ever know, but it is only about 65% I would estimate.
> 
> I think I am in the minority for men though, I am mildly interested in the sexual aspect, at least the details I don't have spelled out in her own words. But the larger issue to me is how did this all get started? What did you think when you felt it was becoming an affair? How did you live as the woman I knew during that time, and have this thing going on in secret? What was that like? I wonder more about that in reflection to something I screamed at her on DDay ..."WHO ARE YOU?". But then I was caught completely unaware and had no idea that anything was wrong in our marriage.


That is how I feel - how did it all start when we were just exchanging I love Yous? How did you deal with that? Didn't you see how inappropriate it was? Why didn't you put a stop to it? 

I still do not understand it, but I accept it, for the fact that the only reasoning I got from it was that he was selfish and weak and stupid. That once it started it felt like an addiction.

I asked my WH one time, "Who are you", he teared up and said "I am your husband", and I asked "who is that?"

We are 11 months into R, and he is struggling to deal with the sh*tbag he knows he was. He used to think he was a good person but realizes he never was. (his words, not mine). Now he is trying.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case I wanted to know everything, but just in case I asked my WW a question in the morning and then after work we both discussed the question.

I felt it gave me a day to think about the question, did I really want to know what was to be gained by this knowledge, what was I going to do with this new knowledge.

In fact my wife thought about those things through out the day, what was I going to do with the truth , what is it that will help us, even should I lie..... 

So with that said we talked more about the new questions we both had then about the original question. but that 1st day/question came and went. It was a long night and now that the perrameter were discussed, the next day it was quicker, the question was answered and then the next day and so one.

It worked well for us cuz some of the question were realy tough to answer, but then again we both had the day to absob it.

You may think its hard to not judge or get pissed or be just mean but if you want the next day/question to be answered you keep cool and deal with the fact that it truely is a poorly acted porn movie.

I can remember one morning asking about any group thing she may have had, and in the evening I said I wasn't ready and I got another question answered. Also there was one evening that related to other women and my FWW asked for more time for the question.

In the end it all came out, I was know well aware of what my FWW had become, she was well aware of what led her to this point of picking up strange and the path to her self distruction.

See in this case It wasn't a specific AP with a bunch of I love you's and emotional crap they felt for each other. It was random guys some with no names and the MO she had and the acts she likeds done to her.

I know what I'm forgiving her. she knows how dangerous her second life was. We opened up this can of worms and now we both know the tools we must have to prevent it from happening again.

In short we *had* to both face this head on so we can learn from it, not hide from it cuz of the pain it will cause. 

I learned alot about my FWW back in those days.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

My real truth came out this week after a year and a month of Dday. It has been disgusting, but I needed to know EVERYTHING - the movies were killing me. If your H wants real R tell him to be honest with what you want/need to know (whatever that is). I had to trick mine and it just feels like hell, and I was just wrapping my head around the idea of R... not so sure anymore.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GG let me guess the trick was you told him no matter how disgusting, you won't D ????


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's a question for those wanting to know everything... when will you know that you actually DO know everything?

I have been honest with my wife about my cheating. I have answered every question she has asked after giving a 100% open account of the cheating.

Yet she always feels something is missing. While I could understand that for a while, after 5 years it's beginning to look obsessive rather than trying to get everything out in the open. 

And I understand that the lying as part of the cheating lays me open to the question "how do I know you aren't lying now?" but when do you say "OK, I've gotten it all."


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> My real truth came out this week after a year and a month of Dday. It has been disgusting, but I needed to know EVERYTHING - the movies were killing me. If your H wants real R tell him to be honest with what you want/need to know (whatever that is). I had to trick mine and it just feels like hell, and I was just wrapping my head around the idea of R... not so sure anymore.


I thought about what you did GG - not too shabby  Put the wheels in motion. See though - if we only knew EVERYTHING from DD - we could move on with our lives, either way. But the cheaters are such cowards. They think they are so great and stealthy and brave to be carrying on an affair, but they are cowards. Just come right out and say it. Sh*t or get off the pot. I have lost any patience I have had I think - not sure if that is good or bad. I just know that this limbo crap is for the birds

Life is too short for games. I understand healing takes time,and I am all for that, but get all of the crap out there and make a decision based on the truth. Its the trickle truth that is so painful and wasteful. It does no good for anyone, but even the WS's can't see that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I still do not understand it, but I accept it, for the fact that the only reasoning I got from it was that he was selfish and weak and stupid. .


You can't fix stupid, but one can work on not being selfish and work on being stronger


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

the guy said:


> GG let me guess the trick was you told him no matter how disgusting, you won't D ????


No, I lied and told him I had talked to the OW "la cochofle" and I knew evrything, so he better start talking if he wanted a chance at anything. Then proceeded to ask questions based on what I knew of the A and more so, what I knew of him. You can see my update in my thread! Real great stuff there and I did not include all the horrible details! 
I have lost about 4 pounds in 2 days and now he will not leave me alone.

Infidelity = the gift that keeps on giving, like CTU would say!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Here's a question for those wanting to know everything... when will you know that you actually DO know everything?
> 
> I have been honest with my wife about my cheating. I have answered every question she has asked after giving a 100% open account of the cheating.
> 
> ...


I am convinced that I will never know everything. I know the big picture, but I don't know what he said about us to her, even though he says he didn't talk about us. Come on - I know better.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> No, I lied and told him I had talked to the OW "la cochofle" and I knew evrything, so he better start talking if he wanted a chance at anything. Then proceeded to ask questions based on what I knew of the A and more so, what I knew of him. You can see my update in my thread! Real great stuff there! I have lost about 4 pounds in 2 days and now he will not leave me alone.
> 
> Infidelity = the gift that keeps on giving, like CTU would say!


See GG - it is possible to drop the weight like that - go get yourself a cheeseburger


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> See GG - it is possible to drop the weight like that - go get yourself a cheeseburger


Look at my Avatar... I need to run. Run Forrest Run!


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

karma45 said:


> Sometimes I want to know all the details, then I dont.


This is exactly how I felt, but I came to the conclusion that for me it would cause more damage than good to R. I think having details would just give me more mind movies than I could deal with. 

For others they wanted full details. It's really a personal choice with how you cope with things I guess.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I am convinced that I will never know everything. I know the big picture, but I don't know what he said about us to her, even though he says he didn't talk about us. Come on - I know better.


Usually you don't talk about the spouse at all. If they know you're married or attached, all you say is the relationship is on the way out and you're moving on or some BS line, no sex, no intimacy, etc....

You, the spouse/SO is the last topic of conversation at this point. If I'm still talking about you to the AP, that means I still have feelings for you. 100% is focused on the AP, you're dirt.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CH said:


> *Usually you don't talk about the spouse at all. If they know you're married or attached, all you say is the relationship is on the way out and you're moving on or some BS line, no sex, no intimacy, etc....*
> 
> You, the spouse/SO is the last topic of conversation at this point. If I'm still talking about you to the AP, that means I still have feelings for you. 100% is focused on the AP, you're dirt.


what I discovered is that they talked about me a lot; she wanted to know how our dates went and so on.

Granted, what I had on my hands was an EA and perhaps even a one-sided EA where he was chasing her and she enjoyed yanking his chain.

I am glad that I did dig and pore over the information. It's so easy to sweep things under the carpet and accuse someone of having a big ego --as if people think you are important enough talk about....... Well in my case, I was that important, so to speak.

Finding a lot about this woman, even though I never met her, gave me some insight into my (future) fiancé. Knowing the details also gave me a stronger case to get him to drop the charade of "friendship" and cut her out of his /our life completely. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do I feel that I know everything? No, I don't. but since my fiance puts in the effort to be the partner that one should be, I am working to get over it.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

CH said:


> Usually you don't talk about the spouse at all. If they know you're married or attached, all you say is the relationship is on the way out and you're moving on or some BS line, no sex, no intimacy, etc....
> 
> You, the spouse/SO is the last topic of conversation at this point. If I'm still talking about you to the AP, that means I still have feelings for you. 100% is focused on the AP, you're dirt.


Thanks I needed that!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

CH said:


> Usually you don't talk about the spouse at all. If they know you're married or attached, all you say is the relationship is on the way out and you're moving on or some BS line, no sex, no intimacy, etc....
> 
> You, the spouse/SO is the last topic of conversation at this point. If I'm still talking about you to the AP, that means I still have feelings for you. 100% is focused on the AP, you're dirt.


I can see this, yet OW said she many pages of text/emails on why he didn't want to be married to me anymore....If I wanted to know specifics, I probably would have contacted her and asked for all of that, but I had already seen enough. You think it was pages of text saying the same thing - we're not happy, she puts me down, we don't have sex, we haven't loved each other in a long time, over and over again? Yet, we just bought a new house, car, joined neighborhood organizations....I didn't have a clue and I don't believe he did either. We were not on the outs...far from it, but he was not motivated to take the steps to fix the things that were broken.

I asked hubs one time that whatever he felt about me or proclaimed to feel about me at the time he gave himself permission to step outside the marriege - does he now know how wrong he was and does he feel like a fool now? He said yes.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I do know that when we were in false R he talked about US a lot. After every fight he would run off and text or call her and tell her we were fighting....he told me that...it would always turn to sexting. She told him once and he used the words against me in an argument one time saying "You know, she said one thing and I believe her..."You know, even if she takes you back things will never be the same". 

I wanted to slit his throat when he said that. At that point, she was stringing him along trying to make it as painful as possible for us both. I honestly belive that at that point (because he was the one who started contact back up with her) that she didn't want anything to do with him but wanted to get him back (pay back)for choosing me over her. And for 2.5 more months she did that and he soaked it up like an idiot.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I do know that when we were in false R he talked about US a lot. * After every fight he would run off and text or call her and tell her we were fighting....he told me that...it would always turn to sexting. * She told him once and he used the words against me in an argument one time saying "You know, she said one thing and I believe her..."You know, even if she takes you back things will never be the same".
> 
> I wanted to slit his throat when he said that. At that point, she was stringing him along trying to make it as painful as possible for us both. I honestly belive that at that point (because he was the one who started contact back up with her) that she didn't want anything to do with him but wanted to get him back (pay back)for choosing me over her. And for 2.5 more months she did that and he soaked it up like an idiot.


I hope this isn't too much of threadjack but.....

Looking, do you have any idea why this woman wanted to be with your husband? I want to understand why anyone would waste their time with a married person....... unless of course, they thought they were in love.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

I know how it started, how it ended, and how many times they met up (or I think I do anyway).

She used to be a very good friend of mine until she started doing drugs then she got all crazy and I shut the friendship off.

I will tell my story soon. I just need a little more time to do that. I am sorry.

Thank you so much for all your sharing so far, I do appreciate it.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> See GG - it is possible to drop the weight like that - go get yourself a cheeseburger


I prefer a HUGE GIGANTIC Margarita after today's run!:smthumbup:


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I hope this isn't too much of threadjack but.....
> 
> Looking, do you have any idea why this woman wanted to be with your husband? I want to understand why anyone would waste their time with a married person....... unless of course, they thought they were in love.


He was an easy target, WE had what she wanted, and he would have been a good sugar daddy. That is her MO. She "falls in love" with every guy she thinks can further her status. She only goes for those over 40...she has major daddy issues - is very screwed up. And she is very hostile.

She might have thought she was in love according to her definition - what can he offer me. Can he get me out of the situation I am in and put me one step further. However, after he broke it off with her after DD1,, she never contacted him "initially", he contacted her. I think she was done and angry. He was addicted at that point to her charms and BS and she strung him along.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> I prefer a HUGE GIGANTIC Margarita after today's run!:smthumbup:


My favorite! I knew I liked you!


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## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

I'm dealing with my wife's 3rd and 4th "indiscretion" right now. 

We've been married for eleven years and the first affair (slept with him twice) occurred two years in while I was hospitalized. I didn't find out about it for six more years - by which time he was one of my closest friends. I confronted him while we were shooting clays (the look on his face realizing that I was armed and asking him about sleeping with my wife was pretty priceless), but I wasn't really mad at him (just pissed at her) so I was able to get a lot of my questions answered and I felt better. It was easier to move on because it had happened early in our marriage, I was able to confront him, they both were genuinely sorry, and I was able to _verify_ information by questioning them separately.

The second time was a one night stand with a guy we knew in high school (this was about 7 months ago). She immediately came home and begged my forgiveness - lots of tears, etc. I asked her some questions and got really short unsatisfactory answers. I made a point to ask her several times if she used protection, as I know this guy was a heroin addict for several years and she assured me she did. Later that evening she confessed that she had not used protection. Ultimately, she cut off all contact with him, but I've never had either the opportunity to confront him (apparently he is terrified of me because I'm a hunter and arms collector) nor satisfactory answers about the affair. It still hurts me in ways I can't describe because I didn't have closure.

The day after that affair we made lists of the things we thought were wrong in our marriage, made plans on how to correct these things, etc. I was hopeful that we were really going to move forward.

On December 12th, she told me she wanted a divorce. I asked her point blank if she was sleeping with a specific co-worker - a man who had been a guest in my house along with his wife and two children - and she confirmed that this was the case, but that it was over and had nothing to do with her leaving me. 

We were still living in the same house (I moved into the spare room) when she told me she had set up a profile on Match.com because I had been out with a female friend of mine several times (truth is she is just one of the few shoulders I felt I could cry on) and we were separated anyway. Two days later she went to meet some guy from the site for coffee at 8:00 pm. The next day I woke up to find her work stuff still at home and she wasn't. She came in about 10:30 am and I got to try to explain to my 6 year old why mommy was coming home at this time on a work day.

She admitted fairly readily that this one-night stand was "just to be cruel". Three days later, she suddenly can't live without me and will do anything to reconcile. Since the only answers to questions about the affair she would give me were terse one or two word answers, I asked to read her text messages between her and him during the time since she told me she wanted a divorce. Bad idea, but at least I know - she begged him to leave his wife, he said no so that night she had the one night stand and then rubbed it in his face for three days until he made it super clear that there was not a future for them. That's when she decided she had to be with me.

At this point, I don't have much info and it is destroying me. What little info I do have just makes me feel like a stable backup plan. Honestly, I'm not sure why I agreed to marriage counseling or why I'm here. . . feeling totally immasculated and betrayed and worthless.

I'm starting to compile a list of questions I need her to answer before we can continue, but I'm having a hard time thinking of what to ask and how to ask it so that I get as much information as possible and to prevent her BS one word answers.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Trampled - so sorry you are here. I think you answered many of your own questions already. She cheated 7 months ago and already cheated again? You know that the OM said he would not leave his wife after your wife begged him to and suddenly she needs to be with you? She has lots of problems and you will always be her backup plan until the next best thing comes along (sorry -I know that sounds harsh), but that is what shouts at me from what you wrote here.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Trampled - RUN. I'm giving my WW ONE chance. She even looks at another guy wrong, and I will kick her ass to the curb and NEVER look back. She knows this well. She swears up and down she'll "die before she hurts me again". I'm holding her to that.

Fool me once...yadda yadda.


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## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

Truth is, it was only 16 days between the one night stand that she swore we were going to fix our relationship and the first time she slept with the guy she wanted to have leave his wife for her.

Part of the problem too is that I gave up my career to be a stay at home dad because she had just gotten her dream job (although it seems like the traveling for the job and sleeping with one of her co-workers is the best part for her), and I had been working in my field for a while. I have no means of supporting myself at this point, she has already said that if we divorce she only wants my daughter every other weekend, so my inability to support myself at the moment also means no way to support my daughter, and my resume is trash because of the huge lapse in employment to stay home and raise my daughter.

I'm pretty much trapped and at her mercy, so trying one last time to reconcile with a counselor involved (she has never been willing to do this before) seems like my only option while I try to get some BS entry level or retail job just so I can make ends meet when this happens again.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Trampled, start you own thread, you will get advice and suggestions on how to deak with this crap.
Just copy and past your two posts.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

i needed to know everything ! who knows if i got it but i found my imagination was far worse so i just asked him, he took a while to tell me, lying at first but i know him probably better than he does somedays and eventually he told me what had happened.

it doesnt mean it hurts less but now at least i dont imagine what may have happened.
everyone is different


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## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack. . . got a little carried away.

On a note related to the current thread, I got my wife to answer all my questions and explained to her that I needed explanations rather than simple responses. I got a _lot_ of information. . . a lot of it is painful, and I still feel like she'd holding back on me, but I think I can start to heal now. Hopefully there isn't much else that's going to come out from here on.


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

I want to know everything! I want to read every blasted email. Sadly this will probably never happen for me.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> Here's a question for those wanting to know everything... when will you know that you actually DO know everything?
> 
> I have been honest with my wife about my cheating. I have answered every question she has asked after giving a 100% open account of the cheating.
> 
> ...


Gosh I hope I dont have any questions after 5 years. I think that I will ask until I am satisfied that I know enough to continue on or leave the relationship.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

eniale said:


> I want to know everything! I want to read every blasted email. Sadly this will probably never happen for me.


Hey you never know, it took me a little plan but I was able to do it - 1 year and a month afterwards but I did it and so will you. Just stick with us baby and we will help you! :smthumbup:


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

karma45 said:


> I know how it started, how it ended, and how many times they met up (or I think I do anyway).
> 
> She used to be a very good friend of mine until she started doing drugs then she got all crazy and I shut the friendship off.
> 
> ...


Ve habe vays of macking jou taalck!

(a German translation is welcome)


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

lol


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Chris Taylor
> *Here's a question for those wanting to know everything... when will you know that you actually DO know everything?*
> 
> I have been honest with my wife about my cheating. I have answered every question she has asked after giving a 100% open account of the cheating.





*Here's a question for those wanting to know everything... when will you know that you actually DO know everything?*

What a great question by Chris Taylor!!


There is something to be said for both positions of trying to know everything and accepting knowing only part of the details. Every situation can change what is the best.

*If you know that your WS cheated then the main thing that is going to rebuild the R the most are the actions of the WS for the coming years.* Very few if any are going to regain trust and keep deep hurts from damaging the R in the first year.



How much do we want to know about the A

Answer:	
*Just enough to know what to watch for the next several years. *Watching what your WS does for the next several years will give you much stronger answers and healing than details of the known cheating.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My stbxw and I are separated and I know almost 0% about what happened during her PA 3 years ago - but want to know 100%. It just bugs me, not knowing. I'd love to know what she did with the POSOM that she never did with me. Since moving out last Oct, she's pursuing a new young boytoy and before she moved out, she was googling "What does Anal sex feel like" and watching a lot of porn - hard core stuff too. (She was a virgin when we met) We had a healthy sex life (even during her PA and during our false R) - until the last 6 months - when it became all ME initiating everything. But there were certain things she would not do or not even talk about. Now I am left with this morbid curiosity to know everything. And I'll get nothing because I'm not going to ask and she didn't want to talk about it even when we were still living together. That's why we're done.

It's my curiosity more than anything. Eg - is she going to offer up herself for anal because that would make the POSOM the first? 

I hate not knowing. (I'm like this for everything - I'll read the end of a novel before I'm finished.) But especially for this - it's driving me a little crazy. It's only been this past week that it's really bothering me. Every time I think I've moved on, something always comes up like this. :scratchhead:


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

karma45 said:


> Sometimes I want to know all the details, then I dont.
> So far I have limited to myself 30 mins at a time of talking about it. If it goes longer then that I just cry or get angry and nothing is accomplished.
> 
> Every time we talk I do ask him what he is thinking or how he feels.
> ...


I know for me personally, I don't want to know any of the details. I don't even know what his married OW looks like & I have done my best to try to block the images of them "banging" out of my mind. I am in the beginning stages of divorce, so there will be no reconciling. I found the evidence of his PA via his email. The one that haunts me the most is him telling her "I was so happy when you told me you loved me last night, I couldn't even sleep last night all I did was think of you". Which in essence kind of makes me laugh because 2 hrs after he sent that I came home from work and he was sleeping so hard that he was snoring. And when I got into bed, he rolled over spooned me and told me how much he loved me. Then in the morning tried to get some lovin from me b4 work. 

So I realize for some people how much they need to know the details, to either understand or to heal. But for me it's just more unnecessary torture. Along with every bull**** thing he said e.g, I love you, you're the only woman I am attracted too, blah blah blah blah he told me, up until the very min I confronted him. That's what tortures my heart. So if you feel you need to know those things to help you make a good decision on whether to stay or not...than you're a lot stronger than I am. And I wish you the best on your road to a happy reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

CH said:


> BTW, most WS who say they've told the entire truth 100% are still lying. Alot still hold out certain facts because they know it's something their spouse/SO cannot handle. They might give out 99% of the truth but will hold that 1% back in fear that they'll lose their chance for R.



:iagree:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can't help but wonder how much longer my (future) fiancé might have been courting his (one sided) EA had she agreed to have sex with him. 

What I know now is that he tried it on with her, something that I deduced based on the facts that I did know -- they took a trip together and on the first night, he sent me an e-mail saying that his good friend has a boyfriend, I have nothing to worry about, and now we all could be friends. He told me that it was her idea to tell me this.

He won't admit to me that he tried to have sex with her. But then, what was the point of that e-mail if things were going so well on their trip. And thee-mail was date and time stamped just after midnight local time of the first night to where they were.

I'm left with the thought that his 20 something "I'm not looking for anything serious now so you and I are just friends" EA set him straight just as they were turning in at their 5 star hotel room while in their varying stages of undress by saying to him: "You and I can't have sex, we're just friends."

I'll never be able to get my fiancé to admit to the above scenario, but I feel I am damned accurate on all points of it.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been in your shoes. I have been used and lied to by my insignificant other. It's really hard to hear this stuff. It's even harder when you can envision it in your mind. But it should help you in seeing just how far he will go for his own enjoyment. It shows you how selfish he has been. You were the last thing on his mind when he was doing what he did. Do yourself a favor, find your self worth. Why allow yourself to live with someone who did this to you? Don't you want better? The rest of your life you are going to be wondering, was this really the best I could do? A cheater who doesn't give a crap about how he makes me feel and doesn't care about the relationship? If he were your bf, wouldn't you leave him? Sure, divorce is hard, but we live and we learn. We carry on. What if years from now he decides to leave you after you stuck by his side? I mean, technically each time he cheated he left you. Respect yourself.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> I know for me personally, I don't want to know any of the details. I don't even know what his married OW looks like & I have done my best to try to block the images of them "banging" out of my mind. I am in the beginning stages of divorce, so there will be no reconciling. I found the evidence of his PA via his email. The one that haunts me the most is him telling her "I was so happy when you told me you loved me last night, I couldn't even sleep last night all I did was think of you". Which in essence kind of makes me laugh because 2 hrs after he sent that I came home from work and he was sleeping so hard that he was snoring. And when I got into bed, he rolled over spooned me and told me how much he loved me. Then in the morning tried to get some lovin from me b4 work.
> 
> So I realize for some people how much they need to know the details, to either understand or to heal. But for me it's just more unnecessary torture. Along with every bull**** thing he said e.g, I love you, you're the only woman I am attracted too, blah blah blah blah he told me, up until the very min I confronted him. That's what tortures my heart. So if you feel you need to know those things to help you make a good decision on whether to stay or not...than you're a lot stronger than I am. And I wish you the best on your road to a happy reconciliation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not stronger, really I am not. I lost my eldest son 8 months ago in an accident.. nothing will hurt me more then that.
Still not sure if I can live with him, I know I dont want to lose myself, so I wont check his emails but I might just walk over and read with him. I wont check his cell because there are apps out there that change numbers etc... I will just have to base my choice on if I can live with someone like him, and if he will be faithful. Most of all I have to be a person my other 4 little children can respect. I dont think they will respect me if I make the wrong choice.. they are my strength. Thank you for sharing your story. I am also sorry you are here. 

If he was a boyfriend he would be gone already....


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