# I feel more like a father than a husband - Reaching limit



## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

I really, really can't figure out why I continue to seek advice here.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I suggest hit the dating pool at 32. You're very young. You'll be dating girls in their 20's. The prime years. You will never get those years back. Get rid of her before you start making the big bucks. One life. No regrets.

You are obviously not happy and she won't change for you. She has to change for herself and maybe leaving the marriage will force that. You have to look out for yourself, because no one else will. 

P.S. My ex was overweight and she never wanted to look good for me. I finally left her and she's fat 2 years later. We had more issues than weight, but it annoyed the crap out of me. Overweight people are lazy and have no self control. Not a good marriage partner for someone that's the opposite.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think that you may have reached the point where you have to let her sink or swim on her own. If she learns to swim, maybe you could reconcile. If she sinks, well, that's life. Adapt or die. At least she won't be taking you down with her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Free PDF online if google it. Quick read. It should speak to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like it's time to let go. Yes, it will hurt. A lot. But you'll get through it and be okay.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

StuckInLove said:


> Hey all, I've posted here about my issue before. It's starting to really, really get bad. I love my wife and I hate saying this but she's a serious ball and chain. It's wearing me down so much to the point where I'm going to break.
> 
> To make a long story short, I met my wife when she wasn't even 18 yet (I was 20), and since then I've created a very good life and career for myself, I am in good health, I look good, I take care of myself, I am financially comfortable and even am looking at a promotion that will make me officially rich as far as I'm concerned. Her, she's the sweetest, most loving, most giving person in the entire galaxy, but she has struggled consistently through life to figure it out, despite my constant support and efforts to help and guide her to make the right decisions. She just continually screws things up and creates complicated situations that I have to be the one to sort out. She's very naive, has gone from dead end job to dead end job, is in debt up to her eyeballs, has completely let her health go to the wayside and is now suffering the consequences, is very overweight, can't stick with anything, and just can't seem to figure anything out without my help (as in basically doing it for her, whatever it is). Currently, she is once again unemployed and hasn't been able to contribute to rent, bills, groceries, gas or anything for about a month and a half now, and soon will have not been able to pay rent for the 3rd month in a row. This is not the first time either. My wife is making me go broke.
> 
> ...


You said you were financially secure, and one step away from being rich. So why should she work or contribute to rent or the bills? Why can't you do that all yourself? Her not working might be what's best for your marriage. It will give her the free time and energy she needs to exercise, and focus on the things that mean the most to you.

Contrary to the advice given by others, I do not think you should leave her. You swore that you would love and cherish her in good times and bad. Find a way to get your marriage back to good times. She's committed to your relationship, and seems like a good and faithful woman. Being unskilled in something is entirely fixable. Invest in her, build up her confidence, train her to do things she doesn't know how to do, pay for her to attend classes on... whatever it is she needs to learn in order for you two to be happy together.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you mean the promises that you made when you married her? Do you think that you should run away when things are hard, or work through them? 
Do you have children?

I take marriage very seriously. I wouldn't leave a marriage except for serious abuse or adultery, so I dont get it when people recommend leaving at the drop of a hat just because things aren't as easy as you think they should be. What about those people who care for disabled or ill partners for many years without complaint? Don't we promise when we marry that its for better or for worse? 

Maybe your wife needs some counselling, and maybe the both of you could get some MC. In the end you choose to marry her.

I agree with biofury, maybe she will feel better about herself if she can stay at home and care for the house. She may feel pressured to work outside the home when she actually hates it. When you are married all the money should be for both of you anyway, not hers or yours.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Others may disagree with me here, but you come across sounding like a bit of an arse. You are perfect, potentially "rich" etc but cannot afford to pay rent and take care of his wife. When you married you promised to take care of her not trade her in because you can now wipe your own arse.

You should have got a wife that was smarter and slept around on you while taking you for a ride.

Grow up and become a better person!!!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I can`t help but wonder if there is a physical or psychological problem. Her behavior appears to be out of the ordinary. Does she have issues other than health? I am rarely in the divorce immediately column, so therefore, I believe that you owe it to yourself to get her in to see your family physician. Do not be afraid to voice your concerns, especially her perceived lack of coping skills and initiative. Speak frankly, and ask questions? Could she have a learning disabiltiy? Could she have adult ADD? Could she have OCD? There are numerous psychological conditions that would lead to the behaviors you describe. Your family doc should be able to provide a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist. 

I have a SIL. She is now severely disabled, as a result of a failed suicide attempt, her demons overtook her and put her on train tracks. The engineer saw her and applied the brakes, the wheels superheated, crushed one leg and cauterized the wound. It has been decades since of psychological and physical turmoil. She had similar problems with initiative, problem solving ability, impulse control. Consequently the neuroses grew in the dark until it was too late. Given the present circumstances, there is little time spent on forensic psychiatry to determine what specifically drove her, however, the basic diagnoses are several previously undiagnosed conditions all of which caused the seeming incapability to run her own life. 

Sir, you owe it to your wife and yourself to at least investigate.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Marriage is not always 50/50 sometimes it's 40/60 and when your spouse is trying you pull the extra weight.

You say you make really good money, but then sound like you can't survive without her working or is it not wanting to use all your money when your wife is down to row the boat.

If you are tired of it after 11 years, then move on and maybe that will give her a chance to grow up and be more responsible, maybe she is the way she is because you do every little thing for her. Make her figure it out, if you are indeed tired of it and she is making you go broke.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You probably think you're being virtuous by helping her and carying her always. You're not. You're only perpetuating her strong dependency and keeping her stunted and blind to the realities of life.

Don't feel too bad about letting her sink or swim. If she sinks you can be sure she'll move heaven & earth to find someone else to use as a life raft.

But at least it won't be you any longer.

I'm sorry if I sound cruel, but it sounds classic and common. You grew up and apart. She likely hasn't grown at all because she hasn't had to. There are many people in this world who are either late bloomers or simply incapable of establishing their own identity and goals, including management of their general health and lives.

She sounds emotionally immature and that's not someone you can be with long term. You do not want to be with someone financially irresponsible. She will ruin you and you will grow to resent her more and more.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

The way you describe the marriage is a mine/ yours marriage not a team work. When you say stuff like my wife is making me go broke, can't keep a job, debt, etc you come off as mine/ yours. My advice is to see marriage as equal partnership . Be willing to communicate effectively as a team to solve problems with money. If she's overweight then love her regardless tell her that she is beautiful.


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