# As if sex hasn't been a big enough chaleenge



## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

Im not really sure exactly what I want to say on this subject.. There are many things to list. I'll give a little bit of background though. 

Before my H, I had never lived with a mate, nor shared a bank account. I paid my own bills and still had a little shopping money and some saved. While we were only dating a couiple months, he got offered an extended job up north. He was paid to move and would be given per diem for X amount of days until he found permanent residence. Being young and not wanting my man away from me for God knew how long was something I did not want to deal with. So I moved with him. Quit my job and we moved to Wyoming. It was a blast but the job turned out to be flakey and we had to move back home after onl a month. We had already joined bank accounts. MY bills and credit card stopped getting paid and all OUR money was going to HIS hobby (guitar playing and gigs-which means bars/drinking/partying) All these things we did before, but now it was OUR money and I felt like I was not getting ANYTHING out of it. Still to this day, I feel like that. 

HE spends OUR money on his car parts and music pedals and some other nonsense. All while I need new clothes, my car needs maintenance, I would like to buy our son new clothes, and some household things and decorations. He says well when we have money why don't you just go do those things. Hello!!, we NEVER have money because YOU spend it ALL!! He goes to ATMs and takes out $100 at a time and turns around using the bank card while he still has cash in his pocket!! He is not fooling around or spending his money on unlawful things (lack of a better term) 

He got used to saving for a while but was even stern about his intentions with the money that was saved, I want to suggest getting seperate accounts while still having our jiont for bills and necessities. Is this a good idea?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi, not sure if you still work apart from in the home? If so, what's to stop you opening your own separate bank account and only putting SOME of your income in your joint account? Then if it causes him grief you can explain your reasons and on top of that, maybe say it's better for your little boy if you can be sure of having funds for his clothes/food etc. ?


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

I work a full time job, 9hrs a day. Would he feel betrayed? I'm worried it would start ANOTHER arguement and continue to be a problem. I think I will just make withdrawls now and then and hide it somewhere


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

i get the he would feel betrayed.. but if you start hiding money and he finds out then what?????

ok be honest... have a $100 from your check automaticly taken and put in a savings.. let him know it is to cover a vacation down the road or just live issues (times are tight and things change fast right now with the econmy)

i have been married 20+ years and 6 daughters later... we went from me working the better job,, to me staying home for 15 years now i am back to work...

really honesty (per say) you don't have to bring up he is spending and you can't or those issues keep it level and no feelings (don't go in as your taking money from him) if he says 100 to much then compromise and go with 50 a week it is a start..... and really you have a son he will need college or if not college a car or what ever you could put it in his name.... with you a co signer.. if a vacation savings then to 50 / 50 and most works have a match or at least good interest on certain savings accounts look into that.


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

momof6, as soon as i typed that i knew it sounded silly. when we had saved before he always took the money out and put it in our 'stash' I think i'll just start doing that but not tell him it's there and if he finds it and asks I'd just tell him, yeah I've been putting some in there. I feel like he'd just be like "cool, i need a new blank" I have ordered some books and he seems very interested so I think we can just talk about it and come to an agreement.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mujer_rota said:


> I work a full time job, 9hrs a day. Would he feel betrayed? I'm worried it would start ANOTHER arguement and continue to be a problem. I think I will just make withdrawls now and then and hide it somewhere


Excuse me? HE takes the money whenever he wants it, and it's money YOU put into the account. So WHAT if he gets upset. Fair is fair.

IIWY, for every single thing he buys with your money, or family money, I would take the same amount of money out of the joint account, and put it in your own savings account. It reduces how much he has to spend, it gives YOU access to money, too, and it's a good indicator to him how excessive and uncaring and selfish he is being.

Please don't hide what you are doing. That is the WORST thing you can do in a marriage - sneak to avoid arguments. Before you know it, you are just roommates who hate each other.


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

all great points turnera. Thank you


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## gradsdad (Sep 16, 2013)

Having lived this I know exactly what your going through. Only difference is the gender. I finally got her off the accounts, got the credit card co. to cancel the card while I paid it off, and got money in the bank. It took several years but it worked. We eventually divorced over financial issues but I don't have to worry about the bank foreclosing, or the utilities being cut off or the phone number having to change yet again. If you don;t do this you will regret it! In more ways than one. If he wants to spend his money on his things go ahead. Just make sure you pay your half of the bills. This isn't perfect but it might be what he needs to see what a partnership/marriage is really all about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IT sounds like he has zero money management skills.

Get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". See if you can get him to read it with you and set up your finances the way it says.

In addition to what the book says.. after you pay yourself first (savings) and pay your bills, the rest of the money is spending money. So it gets divorced 50/50 between your two. Or 33/33/33 with 1/3 each for you , him and things the kids need.

That way each of you has equal spending money a month. You can put yours in a savings in your own name if you wish.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

That is Crazy! step 1 take 20% of the total income for the month or whatever and that is savings especially in these times you should had atleast an account with 3 months of wages and then a savings account/s (I personally have 3 that the % gets divided up for my goals yearly holiday/s, new car/toys and my son's account for when he is older) You need to have a serious talk with your partner if he isn't willing to then take your name off the joint account because you can do that and set up your own accounts. Screw his feelings of betrayal he betrayed you and your son if he doesn't want to give you both finical security and you gave him a chance and he didn't jump on board.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Zombie thread alert...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Open your own account and deposit your pay there. If there is money in the joint account, take your share out. If he objects, too bad - talk about it. Since he isn't responsible with money, you have to step up and take some control. If there are joint bills, pay them from the joint account, and deposit money there from your account for your contribution to these, unless you pay some directly from your account, and some directly from the joint account.

It may turn out that he will open a separate account as well, in which case you should both contribute to the joint account in proportion to your pay and household expenses, and use the joint account only for those items.


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