# Men...why so angry?



## 3Xnocharm

Hey guys, I thought I'd pick your brains a little here. Why is that so many men have anger issues? There are SO many threads here about angry husbands. I grew up with an angry father, then managed to marry TWO different men who also had issues with anger. I can remember several friends' fathers being the same way when I was growing up, and hear friends now talking about their husbands being angry a lot. The anger seems to flare over little, ridiculous issues that do not warrant it, most of the time, and usually only happens at home, not at work. You never know what is going to set them off, so there is the whole walking on eggshells thing for most. 

So what gives here? :scratchhead:


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## PHTlump

One possibility is that testosterone makes men aggressive than women. Another is that men aren't socially adapted to vent anger before it boils over. Another is that women are just as angry as men, but express it differently. A good portion of the threads on wives who withhold sex are probably a result of female anger.


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## GTdad

For me, and I think many men, anger is a sort of default emotion. Frustrated? Get angry. Scared? Get angry. Confused? Get angry.

And it's been a fairly long process to get a handle on it. With me, I think it's a control issue: the desire to control the outcome of a given situation, and anger at my inability to do so. Letting go of outcome has been huge as I've grappled with anger issues.

And I'd tell men that you have no idea how your anger impacts the people you love.


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## Mavash.

My therapist said my default emotion was anger. It's like when it came to learning how to express my emotions I learned A for anger and stopped there. I now have a feelings list that I refer to. Not everything I feel is anger.


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## MaritimeGuy

I think in many cases it's due to the way we're raised. We're raised to believe we need to take care of everything. We can't just breakdown and feel sorry for ourselves when somethng goes wrong. Anything other than anger could be interpreted as weakness.


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## sarcasmo

Fcuk off already


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## Kobo

If real answers are given this thread will be 70 pages filled with men being ridiculed causing them to make angry post that in turn get ridiculed and so on. Its the circle of TAM. I will say most men won't show their anger at work because that doesn't support their goal to provide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane

Kobo said:


> I will say most men won't show their anger at work because that doesn't support their goal to provide.


So they are actually able to manage their anger if they don't show it at work. Seems they'd be able to do so at home since that doesn't support their goal of a good marriage.

Or are you saying they stuff it down at work and explode at home as an outlet?


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## 3Xnocharm

Thanks for the replies so far!

So what is it about small, meaningless things that will make a man fly off the handle? For an example, one woman posted here that her husband went into an angry tirade because she didnt answer something mathematical that he asked right away. Things like that.


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## GTdad

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks for the replies so far!
> 
> So what is it about small, meaningless things that will make a man fly off the handle? For an example, one woman posted here that her husband went into an angry tirade because she didnt answer something mathematical that he asked right away. Things like that.


Using her for a punching bag, because he can't or won't articulate what's REALLY bothering him.


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## Kobo

norajane said:


> So they are actually able to manage their anger if they don't show it at work. Seems they'd be able to do so at home since that doesn't support their goal of a good marriage.
> 
> Or are you saying they stuff it down at work and explode at home as an outlet?


I hate to be the voice of every man of every man but the answer to your question yes. I mean do women burst out in tears or eat gallons of ice cream at work or do they wait to get home? As long as we're being stereotypical.


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## Kobo

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks for the replies so far!
> 
> So what is it about small, meaningless things that will make a man fly off the handle? For an example, one woman posted here that her husband went into an angry tirade because she didnt answer something mathematical that he asked right away. Things like that.


Are you talking about a man with anger issues or a man that gets angry? There is a difference.


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## Deejo

3Xnocharm said:


> Hey guys, I thought I'd pick your brains a little here. Why is that so many men have anger issues? There are SO many threads here about angry husbands. I grew up with an angry father, then managed to marry TWO different men who also had issues with anger. I can remember several friends' fathers being the same way when I was growing up, and hear friends now talking about their husbands being angry a lot. The anger seems to flare over little, ridiculous issues that do not warrant it, most of the time, and usually only happens at home, not at work. You never know what is going to set them off, so there is the whole walking on eggshells thing for most.
> 
> So what gives here? :scratchhead:


They're angry because they aren't getting laid? 

I say it in jest, and I'm not using that as cover for being unreasonable, out of control or abusive.

But ... you ask most guys if they get irritated when they are in the midst of a sexual dry spell and the answer is a resounding, yes.


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## Kobo

Deejo done stepped in it now. How are they gonna get laid if they're always getting angry? The circle of TAM.


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## samyeagar

Because they're married to women?


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## greenfern

Kobo said:


> I hate to be the voice of every man of every man but the answer to your question yes. I mean do women burst out in tears or eat gallons of ice cream at work or do they wait to get home? As long as we're being stereotypical.


Yes, yes they do. Well the tears at least - almost every woman I know has cried at work one time or the other (including myself, much as I hate to do it).


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## Catherine602

I push back. He picks his battles as do I. He knows that if he gets angry I will not tuck my head in like a mouse. I don't get angry back. I get sharp. 

Do that and your husband will be far less likely to get angry for no reason. You don't think you deserve to have anger deflected to you if I have done nothing to provoke it. 

If that happens calmly tell him that he needs to confront whom ever upset him. You are not their substitute. Then don't say anything else. If he persist, then ask who he is afraid of confronting. 

Suggest he face them and leave you out of it. You are not his enemy. If that does not work, tell him to go [email protected] himself and disengage and take it up latter. If he continues, cool things way off with him until he gets it. 

To avoid door-mating and egg-shelling, always give as good as you get. It's your home too, why should you tip toe around in it. If that will chase your husband away then he was halfway gone anyway.. 

Ignore the little things but when there is an escalation of anger in response to your attempts to lower the temp., execute your first line of defense. Give it all you can to curb the behavior. Dont let it slide. Taking the proper steps usually works. 

A person will test the walls of your tolerance to learn who you are. How confident you are. You don't have to be belligerent or unpleasant to establish your line in the sand. You can remain ladylike. In fact the more controlled and calm you are, the better. 

Contrary to what i wrote above it is probably better not to drop the f bomb or scream like a banshee. Anyway you can do it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo

Kobo said:


> Deejo done stepped in it now. How are they gonna get laid if they're always getting angry? The circle of TAM.


Damn straight. "How can I be attracted to you and want to feel intimate, if you're just angry all the time?"

Cue further anger.

I'm not saying this is THE reason, or even a valid one, but lets face it, nobody on here should even think of challenging the veracity of this dynamic.

And if you do, it'll piss me off.


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## Wiserforit

Yesterday after I woke up and had not finished coffee yet, I got a computer virus because I stupidly let my firewall expire, and as I turned to get my laptop I stepped in dog poop with bare feet because we have a new puppy.

I exploded, which is highly unusual for me. But that's why I did it.


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## Kobo

greenfern said:


> Yes, yes they do. Well the tears at least - almost every woman I know has cried at work one time or the other (including myself, much as I hate to do it).


And every man has gotten angry one time at work. I'm talking on a regular basis.


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## in my tree

GTdad said:


> For me, and I think many men, anger is a sort of default emotion. Frustrated? Get angry. Scared? Get angry. Confused? Get angry.
> 
> And it's been a fairly long process to get a handle on it. With me, I think it's a control issue: the desire to control the outcome of a given situation, and anger at my inability to do so. Letting go of outcome has been huge as I've grappled with anger issues.
> 
> And I'd tell men that you have no idea how your anger impacts the people you love.


Truer words and all that. Over three decades later and my siblings and I still talk about my dad's anger outbursts. I actually didn't realize how strongly if affected them (they are 8 and 10 years older than I am) until recently.


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## Deejo

Wiserforit said:


> Yesterday after I woke up and had not finished coffee yet, I got a computer virus because I stupidly let my firewall expire, and as I turned to get my laptop I stepped in dog poop with bare feet because we have a new puppy.
> 
> I exploded, which is highly unusual for me. But that's why I did it.


Hope you can laugh about it now Wiser, because that's pretty damn funny. The poop in bare feet bit, not the virus.


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## greenfern

Kobo said:


> And every man has gotten angry one time at work. I'm talking on a regular basis.


Yeah fair point. But I would say I display my emotions (good and bad) a lot more consistently - that is at work and at home - than my partner. My father was also the same. I'm sure he never exploded at work but at home, another story. Always things like fighting kids, messy house, etc. Its almost like the hassle of home life, dealing with women & kids, is actually what set him off rather than a constant, suppressed rage.


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## Faithful Wife

I think that agression is a natural force of nature, is neutral, and is necessary. Even being born is an act of agression, where the baby has to literally and forcefully push its way out, its poor little body getting all fired up and squished in the process. Animals exhibit agression in various ways. Totally natural.

But anger sometimes just seems like agression that was shut down.

I have a lot of agressive tendancies, which rough sports play helps me work with. I love it! Chopping wood and other manly activities also helps me work out that natural agression that is pent up in my body. Also kick boxing classes, gymnastics, rock climbing, rough sex, etc.

Since we no longer have to hunt and gather, what do our bodies do with all that tenacity and agression we naturally have?

If you have no outlet for this natural agression, you will likely feel it bubbling up into anger. To me, this is your body's way of telling you that you aren't using it fully and it WILL call you to use it full in whatever way it has to.

Of course, some or maybe even most anger has its roots in an emotional cause. But SOME anger is simply mis-directed natural agression, IMO.


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## ShockwaveRider

I firmly believe it's because so many men are WEAK.

They're weak physically and they're weak intellectually. They're threatened by men who are more physically dominant than they are and they're threatened by anyone who is intellectually superior.

I can't see any other possible explanation for it. If they have all this testosterone boiling over they could go work it off in the gym rather than taking it out on other people (primarily women, children, dogs and other such beings) incapable of fighting back.

Big Mr. Tough Guy....beating a woman, beating a child. That's because they lack the BALLS to pick a fight with somebody who just might beat their face in.

Meh....amongst my peers, we're all pretty large men. We've often been asked if there is a "minimum size requirement" to be in our little group. Just a bunch of big ol' Wisconsin farm boys. I'm not aware of any significant "anger issues" in our group.

It's a waste of time being angry.

And a GREAT way to get yourself thrown in PRISON.

Shockwave


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## Wiserforit

Deejo said:


> Hope you can laugh about it now Wiser, because that's pretty damn funny. The poop in bare feet bit, not the virus.


Yup. The poop had just been laid, so it was perfectly gooey, squirting up amongst my toes. When I lifted it up, it was on a sock that stuck to my foot, then fell, poop side down, onto my other foot.

Normally with a virus you can re-boot in safe mode and send Malwarebytes or whatever after it, but this one had figured out how to block safe mode. So I was in a bit of a panic when I turned to get my laptop off the other table in order to google what to do about it.

Then the old one-two poop punch. But now it is shared for the enjoyment of all.


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## Kobo

ShockwaveRider said:


> I firmly believe it's because so many men are WEAK.
> 
> They're weak physically and they're weak intellectually. They're threatened by men who are more physically dominant than they are and they're threatened by anyone who is intellectually superior.
> 
> I can't see any other possible explanation for it. If they have all this testosterone boiling over they could go work it off in the gym rather than taking it out on other people (primarily women, children, dogs and other such beings) incapable of fighting back.
> 
> Big Mr. Tough Guy....beating a woman, beating a child. That's because they lack the BALLS to pick a fight with somebody who just might beat their face in.
> 
> Meh....amongst my peers, we're all pretty large men. We've often been asked if there is a "minimum size requirement" to be in our little group. Just a bunch of big ol' Wisconsin farm boys. I'm not aware of any significant "anger issues" in our group.
> 
> It's a waste of time being angry.
> 
> And a GREAT way to get yourself thrown in PRISON.
> 
> Shockwave



Mufasa!

Oooh, Say it again.

Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa


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## Caribbean Man

Deejo said:


> Damn straight. "How can I be attracted to you and want to feel intimate, if you're just angry all the time?"
> 
> Cue further anger.
> 
> I'm not saying this is THE reason, or even a valid one, but lets face it, nobody on here should even think of challenging the veracity of this dynamic.
> 
> And if you do, it'll piss me off.


Ha ha!

_" Damned if you do, damned if you don't ."_

In the Caribbean we say _" Catching your tail."_


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## 6301

In my first marriage, I would lose my temper but nothing where it was hitting or throwing things and the reason was that my first wife didn't know when to stop. Anyone here ever hear of Al Anon? (for people who have a family member that is an alcoholic) well my wife belonged to something called "An on and on". She never knew when to stop and went on and on and on. She had a temper as did I but where I would walk away, she just kept running her mouth until I would blow up, She would get mad and stay that way for two or three days I got the no talking and cold shoulder and when she got out of her funk, she wouldn't leave it lay. It would start all over as to why she got mad. Not to mention she didn't care what she said and how it affected anyone. She felt she had the right to say what she wanted to and the hell with anyone else. Two years after we were divorced she opened her big mouth to the wrong person and nursed a black eye and broken nose for a couple weeks. When I saw here I didn't say a word but she could read my face and it said that what goes around comes around.


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## Racer

ShockwaveRider said:


> I firmly believe it's because so many men are WEAK.


I'm of a similar vein Shockwave, but would change a few key words... Instead of weak, I'd say "powerless". You didn't describe just anger too, you described violence (a bad way to cope with anger). There is a difference.

I do think men and women both get angry a lot, but how we express it and use it is different.

Why are we angry? Because we do not like what is going on around us. Anger is sort of a default 'energy'. I get angry at a client... I'm not going to get in his face and threaten the job, but I will use that anger at the situation and direct it into something. It may mean I will do 'just enough' on his work and focus instead on those clients who do appreciate me and my work. I may go home and whine to my wife. I may go to the basement and use the heavy bag. I may go to the gym and push myself. Lots of things can be done with anger... it isn't a bad emotion when you think of it like fuel for your engine....


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## 3Xnocharm

Racer said:


> Why are we angry? Because we do not like what is going on around us. Anger is sort of a default 'energy'. I get angry at a client... I'm not going to get in his face and threaten the job, but I will use that anger at the situation and direct it into something. It may mean I will do 'just enough' on his work and focus instead on those clients who do appreciate me and my work. I may go home and whine to my wife. I may go to the basement and use the heavy bag. I may go to the gym and push myself. Lots of things can be done with anger... it isn't a bad emotion when you think of it like fuel for your engine....


See, this is controlled anger. I mean, we ALL get angry sometimes, we are human after all. The anger I have questioned is the going off the deep end over spilled milk kind.


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## Cosmos

Mavash. said:


> I think anyone male or female can have an anger problem. Anger = powerlessness. Chronic anger tells me that someone has no idea how to run their lives. They constantly hand over their power to others and it pisses them off. The answer isn't to get angry but to use that anger as fuel for change. Angry people don't know this so they stay stuck.


:iagree:

We all feel anger, but those who allow it free rein rather than dealing with it lack self-discipline, IMO. 

It's a very true saying that anger is one letter short of danger...


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## Kobo

3Xnocharm said:


> See, this is controlled anger. I mean, we ALL get angry sometimes, we are human after all. The anger I have questioned is the going off the deep end over spilled milk kind.


You need to answer if you're asking about a man with anger issues or why a man gets angry. They are not the same. A man with an anger management problem gets angry because he has an anger management problem which he needs to get help for. A normal man getting angry over spilled milk is probably because the milk was on the floor when he left that morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo

3Xnocharm said:


> Hey guys, I thought I'd pick your brains a little here. Why is that so many men have anger issues?


I don't know. In my own case, I don't get angry with people. I get angry with 'things.' 

Maybe its because I'm the one expected to make all the 'things' around the house, from the water heater to the toilets, from the AC to the dishwasher, from the internet to the vehicles 'behave' themselves? It's frustrating because something is always either broken, in the process of breaking, or needing maintenance so it won't break.


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## Fozzy

sarcasmo said:


> Fcuk off already


I lol'd


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## confusedFather

This is an easy answer: testosterone. That's the fuel. We are biologically the same as we were when ****-sapiens where hunter gatherers. Testosterone fueled aggression was necessary for many reason at that point of our history. We have progressed our culture to the point that this aggression is not necessary and has few natural outlets in our society. There are less "civilized" cultures that don't have a problem with angry men. That's because the mode of survival allows for the emotional release of aggression inherent in high testosterone.

Many men learn to live with it and indeed the brain compensates a great deal to allow us to adapt to a culture that is not inherently suited to our biology. Others don't cope as well and have real anger management problems. Other stresses can trigger a release of the anger previously held in check. I've heard that one of the things transsexuals going from female to male have a lot of trouble with is emotional changes fueled by testosterone.


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## Holland

I think men that go around being angry, fighting, aggressive are weak. The stronger man controls himself, takes responsibility for himself and communicates in a civil manner rather than yelling.

No time or room in my life for angry men.


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## Racer

3Xnocharm said:


> See, this is controlled anger. I mean, we ALL get angry sometimes, we are human after all. The anger I have questioned is the going off the deep end over spilled milk kind.


But I do go off the deep end over spilt milk. Or the kids breaking something, or the dog pooing in the house, or just the fact that I forgot to check and make sure there's toilet paper and some one else didn't replace it. Lots and lots of really minor things just torque me. I just keep it to an internal practice of control. My wife does absolutely sense this though. It radiates out of me. 

My control is really nothing more than accepting that is how I feel, then making choices what to do with it. So, my wife, being the evil person she can be, will sometimes start intentionally pushing my buttons to get me to blow. If she does that, I know she too is broiling inside and so we'll have a lovely huge blowout full of passion and emotion... then makeup.


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## Clawed

I can safely say I was one of those guys who had serious rage issues since I was a teen. I led a fairly traumatic home and school life. I became a bitter human being. Unfortunately, I carried that into marriage and I would rage over really insignificant issues. I hate the fact that that is who I was. I didn't know how to control it though. 

I don't know if anger is necessarily the norm for men though. I think there are those who know how to control it and those who don't but because those who don't are the ones you remember, it may just seem like it's a disproportionately high number. In any case it is possible to change. I sought counseling and made some big changes in my life, not the least of which is finding another outlet, like going to the gym. I love my life now so anger is not an issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl

My father is an angry man. The home atmosphere was always bad when he was around. I couldn't relax when he was at home. 

My husband is a mild man who seldom gets frustrated over anything. It's a wonderful feeling to live with a man like this. He provides peace. 

I am a woman, and I had anger problem. Got it from my father, I think. I didn't start showing this problem until I was in my twenties. 

I was frustrated with something, then I would start yelling, screaming, slamming the door, and pounding the wall. But then later I would feel ashamed of myself. 

I didn't like getting angry, so one day I stopped looking for excuses to defend myself, I had to do something. 

First I learned to control my anger, then I learned not to get angry. Life is so peaceful and happy now that I don't get upset over trivial and petty things.

From my own experience, I know that being angry isn't fun. And people can change, they just need to admit that they are wrong. Get rid of the ego, and start working on yourself.


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## DvlsAdvc8

I've read that there is an evolutionary component to male tendency to respond to all sorts of stress with anger. When you're angry, you feel more powerful; fear is reduced; you're less risk averse; adrenaline is usually pumping so you're stronger... all towards a single purpose:

Combat. Destroy the threat.

Its been suggested that this behavior evolved as a result of its contribution to survival in the face of animal attack, enemy tribes, etc. Fear causes retreat, can't retreat? Attack. Anger.

Many things in the modern world trigger this same stress response even though there is no threat. Running late and facing traffic? Fear. There's no retreat. No solution. Attack! Anger response.

Many times an angry person is so because they feel trapped or unable to escape the pressures in their lives or fear making the changes necessary to relieve them, and never developed other coping mechanisms - often because their parents lacked alternative coping mechanisms too.

Anger is the natural response inescapable threats (stress). Doing something else is learned, and a lot of people weren't shown an alternative model.


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## greenpearl

Angry people are stupid. 

Letting people know that you are angry only shows them that you lack ability and self-control.


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## greenpearl

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I've read that there is an evolutionary component to male tendency to respond to all sorts of stress with anger. When you're angry, you feel more powerful; fear is reduced; you're less risk averse; adrenaline is usually pumping so you're stronger... all towards a single purpose:
> 
> Combat. Destroy the threat.
> 
> Its been suggested that this behavior evolved as a result of its contribution to survival in the face of animal attack, enemy tribes, etc. Fear causes retreat, can't retreat? Attack. Anger.
> 
> Many things in the modern world trigger this same stress response even though there is no threat. Running late and facing traffic? Fear. There's no retreat. No solution. Attack! Anger response.
> 
> Many times an angry person is so because they feel trapped or unable to escape the pressures in their lives or fear making the changes necessary to relieve them, and never developed other coping mechanisms - often because their parents lacked alternative coping mechanisms too.
> 
> *Anger is the natural response inescapable threats (stress). Doing something else is learned, and a lot of people weren't shown an alternative model.*


My husband showed me that some people don't need to use anger to solve their problem. Just sit down and discuss about it calmly. It's a much more efficient way.


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## Clawed

greenpearl said:


> Angry people are stupid.
> 
> Letting people know that you are angry only shows them that you lack ability and self-control.


Angry people are stupid? Not exactly a fair generalization. Being quick to anger is not a positive trait though. There are much better outlets.


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## Kobo

greenpearl said:


> My husband showed me that some people don't need to use anger to solve their problem. Just sit down and discuss about it calmly. It's a much more efficient way.


Husband wants wife to turn off Real Housewives of El Paso. Husband yells "all you women love drama" and changes to ESPN. Wife yells back as she's slamming the door on exit yada yada yada he doesn't miss kickoff.

Husband2 wants wife to turn off Pantry crashers on hgtv. Husband2 says calmly Hun we've watched pantry crashers all week. Let's take a break and I'd like to watch the game. Wife goes into a discussion about the issues with violence in football and how cheer leading exploits women and your daughter won't be exposed to this in any way. Yada yada yada husband2 catches highlights on sportscenter.


Efficiency is subjective depending on goal


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## greenpearl

Kobo said:


> Husband wants wife to turn off Real Housewives of El Paso. Husband yells "all you women love drama" and changes to ESPN. Wife yells back as she's slamming the door on exit yada yada yada he doesn't miss kickoff.
> 
> Husband2 wants wife to turn off Pantry crashers on hgtv. Husband2 says calmly Hun we've watched pantry crashers all week. Let's take a break and I'd like to watch the game. Wife goes into a discussion about the issues with violence in football and how cheer leading exploits women and your daughter won't be exposed to this in any way. Yada yada yada husband2 catches highlights on sportscenter.
> 
> 
> Efficiency is subjective depending on goal


:rofl:


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## greenpearl

Clawed said:


> Angry people are stupid? Not exactly a fair generalization. Being quick to anger is not a positive trait though. There are much better outlets.


This sentence is in the Proverbs! 

I actually agree. I think I was very stupid for being angry a lot. It showed that I was frustrated a lot and didn't know how to deal with my situation. There are a lot of other constructive ways to deal with our problems in life.


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## Clawed

greenpearl said:


> This sentence is in the Proverbs!


haha, are you serious? I did not know that. If stupid = foolish then I would definitely agree.


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## Jackie1607

PHTlump said:


> One possibility is that testosterone makes men aggressive than women. Another is that men aren't socially adapted to vent anger before it boils over. Another is that women are just as angry as men, but express it differently. A good portion of the threads on wives who withhold sex are probably a result of female anger.


Yeah Yeah Yeah, I totally agree. I'm a woman by the way. My boyfriend thinks I'm always angry. But when he gets angry, he's unstoppable. The other day he got furious at a stranger who accidentally scratched his car, and he stormed out the car and made a scene in the middle of 42nd street in New York city!!! I never do that. 

I get angry silently boiling up gradually. Then I explode. Which is better? Neither. 

Women's anger is troublesome too. I hate it myself:scratchhead:


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## ocotillo

greenpearl said:


> This sentence is in the Proverbs!



He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly

He that is soon angry will deal foolishly

He that is quick to anger will commit foolishness​
The proverb is talking about impatience and quick temper. There *are *a few legitimate causes for anger.


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## greenpearl

Clawed said:


> haha, are you serious? I did not know that. If stupid = foolish then I would definitely agree.


Yes, stupid here I mean foolish. 

Proverbs 14:16 The wise ones fears and is turning away from badness, but the stupid is becoming furious and self-confident. 

Proverbs 14:17 He is that is quick to anger will commit foolishness.

Proverbs 14:29 He is slow to anger is abundant in discernment, but one that is impatient is exalting foolishness. 

Proverbs 15:18 An enraged man stirs up contention, but one that is slow to anger quiets down quarreling. 

There are more verses in Proverbs dealing with anger. 

I started to change after reading these. I used to think I was smart. But my smart was IQ smart, not EQ smart. I was a retard in EQ.


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## greenpearl

ocotillo said:


> He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly
> 
> He that is soon angry will deal foolishly
> 
> He that is quick to anger will commit foolishness​
> The proverb is talking about impatience and quick temper. *There are a few legitimate causes for anger.*




Thank you! 


I think if we want to look for excuses to defend our behavior, we can always find it. But it doesn't improve ourselves.


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## greenpearl

Jackie1607 said:


> Yeah Yeah Yeah, I totally agree. I'm a woman by the way. My boyfriend thinks I'm always angry. But when he gets angry, he's unstoppable. The other day he got furious at a stranger who accidentally scratched his car, and he stormed out the car and made a scene in the middle of 42nd street in New York city!!! I never do that.
> 
> *I get angry silently boiling up gradually. Then I explode. *Which is better? Neither.
> 
> Women's anger is troublesome too. I hate it myself:scratchhead:


I was like that. It was very destructive!

I read the whole Proverbs many times. It has lots of wisdom about human problems. I also read a lot of books written by Buddhists. Buddhism has a lot of wisdom dealing with anger too.

The wise man said that we usually get upset over trivial and petty things. He asked us if we are losing our jobs tomorrow, or just found out that we have a fatal disease, will we still be upset over the small things. Now I always remind myself not to get upset over small things because it's not worth it. As long as our jobs are secure, our health is good, and my marriage in intact, I am not going to be bothered by small things.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Why be mad? You don't have to push the button on the suicide vest all that hard.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I've read that there is an evolutionary component to male tendency to respond to all sorts of stress with anger. When you're angry, you feel more powerful; fear is reduced; you're less risk averse; adrenaline is usually pumping so you're stronger... all towards a single purpose:
> 
> Combat. Destroy the threat.
> 
> Its been suggested that this behavior evolved as a result of its contribution to survival in the face of animal attack, enemy tribes, etc. Fear causes retreat, can't retreat? Attack. Anger.
> 
> Many things in the modern world trigger this same stress response even though there is no threat. Running late and facing traffic? Fear. There's no retreat. No solution. Attack! Anger response.
> 
> Many times an angry person is so because they feel trapped or unable to escape the pressures in their lives or fear making the changes necessary to relieve them, and never developed other coping mechanisms - often because their parents lacked alternative coping mechanisms too.
> 
> Anger is the natural response inescapable threats (stress). Doing something else is learned, and a lot of people weren't shown an alternative model.



But, where is the threat in the example I gave earlier, when the wife wasnt able to snap an answer out fast enough? I remember one time back when I was a kid, probably like 12 or so, my mom got a kitchen table set (free) from a friend of hers. We had had the same one since I was maybe 2 or so, and it looked awful...one of those old metal things,outdated, scratched, chairs falling apart. My dad came home and saw it, and went through the roof. He raged for days about it until she finally got it out of the house. It was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen in my life. He acted like a mean, petulant child over a table and chairs. 

A lot of people dont realize how things like this stick with their kids through their childhood and beyond. Its the reason I will encourage women who think they are stuck with an angry man to leave when they have kids, because I lived in that home, and I hated it.


----------



## Thound

For me it's the resentment I keep buried deep in my soul. When I get agitated just enough out it pops like a fart.


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## sinnister

I'm angry all the time. God made me that way and I just accept it. I'm not into the whole new aged, magazine men should be soft stuff. I just embrace who I am.

It's exhausting to most, annoying to the rest. But I like me just fine.


----------



## sinnister

3Xnocharm said:


> But, where is the threat in the example I gave earlier, when the wife wasnt able to snap an answer out fast enough? I remember one time back when I was a kid, probably like 12 or so, my mom got a kitchen table set (free) from a friend of hers. We had had the same one since I was maybe 2 or so, and it looked awful...one of those old metal things,outdated, scratched, chairs falling apart. My dad came home and saw it, and went through the roof. He raged for days about it until she finally got it out of the house. It was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen in my life. He acted like a mean, petulant child over a table and chairs.
> 
> A lot of people dont realize how things like this stick with their kids through their childhood and beyond. Its the reason I will encourage women who think they are stuck with an angry man to leave when they have kids, because I lived in that home, and I hated it.


Perhaps that table and chairs set had some emotional significance to him and he would have preferred to have been consulted before it was replaced? But I'm just pulling out maybes here.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

sinnister said:


> Perhaps that table and chairs set had some emotional significance to him and he would have preferred to have been consulted before it was replaced? But I'm just pulling out maybes here.


Maybe so, but there are ways to go about a rational, adult discussion instead.


----------



## confusedFather

sinnister said:


> Perhaps that table and chairs set had some emotional significance to him and he would have preferred to have been consulted before it was replaced? But I'm just pulling out maybes here.


Replacing the table and chair may have made him feel inferior as a provider. Not saying the response was appropriate just looking for a possible cause. Not all angry people have a mean nature. Some simply lack the skills (often modeled by their parents) to handle things that they don't like. Sadly, for most of these people it is not "manly" to seek help for emotional problems.


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## Wing Man

I get angry at stupid people who do and say stupid things I guess, so I never even attempt to watch any episode of the Jerry Springer Show.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Something about this discussion that seems to insinuate that only men are angry , or react when angry , and that makes them stupid.

Women too are very angry , but they express it in different negative ways than men. This is another example of psychological gender differences.

Passive Aggressive behavior has its roots in suppressed anger. It is an _indirect_ form of anger.

B*tchiness in women is also a type of anger management issue so too hostile dependency .

Reversal or projecting issues outwards and blaming other people for ones own faults or ( projection ) ,has its roots in anger management issues.

Depression , anxiety , guilt , blame,sarcasm , resentment, irritability , addictions to sex , drugs, alcohol are all symptoms of repressed anger.

Those are some negative ways women express anger.

Part of my childhood ,I grew up with my paternal grandfather who was a WWII vet. I have NEVER seen him angry. He was a firm , strict , very disciplined man , leader in the community and a businessman. People loved him because of his sense of justice and fairness.

His wife on the other hand , was angry all the time. She would yell for very little things. If we ran through the house , if we forgot to close the door, if the dog scattered the garbage , hell,even if we switched the TV channels , or changed the radio station.
EVERYTHING got her upset.
As kids , when we stayed by them, we would be overjoyed when he came home , we'd be all over him , playing and laughing because she wasn't any fun at all.
She was a nag.

I think anger is a natural , normal human emotional response to external stressors. 
How we are cultured to deal with it can sometimes cause problems.
Anger is not gender specific.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

In the last 14 years I've seen my husband angry maybe 2-3 times and that is it. 

My husband is the calmest man you'd ever meet. I love it this way.


----------



## Kobo

3Xnocharm said:


> Maybe so, but there are ways to go about a rational, adult discussion instead.



But your mother didn't act in a rational adult manner by accepting the charity without discussion. Your father didn't get angry out of thin air. This a big issue I see. You and I'm guessing your mother see accepting this gift as no big deal. He saw it as his family having to accept scraps from others as well as his wife not appreciating what he can provide for her. Also we don't know about the previous conversations on the subject.


----------



## captainstormy

I didn't realize this was so wide spread.

Out of all the guys I know, only one does this. Or did it, his wife eventually got him To the Doctor and turns out his testosterone was almost double the normal level.


----------



## Kobo

Caribbean Man said:


> Something about this discussion that seems to insinuate that only men are angry , or react when angry , and that makes them stupid.


The title.

Also, this thread isn't about anger. It's about the stereotypical male expression of anger. The one that puts the most fear in women.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

Kobo said:


> The title.
> 
> Also, this thread isn't about anger. It's about the stereotypical male expression of anger. The one that puts the most fear in women.


Having re-read the original question, it asks why are so many men angry, not why do men express anger the way they do. The implication is that more men than women are angry which I think is incorrect.


----------



## jeyna

Kobo said:


> The title.
> 
> Also, this thread isn't about anger. It's about the stereotypical male expression of anger. The one that puts the most fear in women.


I fear my husband when he is angry. His voice is louder and his size is bigger. It is intimidating and I get anxious. My husband never fears me no matter what kind of tantrum I throw. He just finds it annoying.


----------



## Cosmos

I agree with much of CM's post here. Anger most certainly isn't gender specific. However, the way we express our anger tends to be...

Gender socialization has (traditionally) tended to encourage males to express their anger physically (boys settling their differences in the playground with their fists), whereas females have been encouraged to rein it in (resulting in passive aggressive behaviour - tears, sulking etc).

Women certainly feel anger, but have been conditioned to express it differently... 

Read more here:- Anger across the gender divide


----------



## Kobo

VermisciousKnid said:


> Having re-read the original question, it asks why are so many men angry, not why do men express anger the way they do. The implication is that more men than women are angry which I think is incorrect.


But the discussion has become about men's stereotypical expression of anger.


----------



## Kobo

jeyna said:


> I fear my husband when he is angry. His voice is louder and his size is bigger. It is intimidating and I get anxious. My husband never fears me no matter what kind of tantrum I throw. He just finds it annoying.


And that's exactly why men's stereotypical expression of anger is what's being discussed. There's no real discussion of reasons to why men get angry. I don't see anyone talking about how often men become a second thought in their own home after the kids come along. The sex topic as Deejo brought up. Freaking gas and food prices increase at rates tipple to wages. His job is as mundane as the previous one. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddd the dishwasher just went out. Now he hasn't exploded yet but he's building. Opens the door and gets hit with the news that his wife accepted a gifted dining table. "Oh so now I can't even Fing provide for my family?" So on and so on. 


The discussion is why do you have to express it like that? When you express it like that it reminds me that I am the physically weaker sex and I don't like it.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

I feel there might be more scary,angry women than men out there.

As for why they express it the way they do,who really knows?

Maybe men can be more expressive and frightening with their anger bc they're taught that aggression is good when you're a man?
Women don't typically express it aggressively bc they're usually taught the passive aggressive tactics and how to smile nicely while plotting revenge.

I say taught but it's more of learning by witnessing adult behaviors.


----------



## ManOhMan2013

I have been told anger comes out of the feeling of loss of control. If a man feels he has no control anger is the way he responds. I also read that anger is an addictive trait. It's exhilarating. The feeling of one's blood pressure going up due to anger is a rush and subconsciously we want that rush feeling. Also, if a husband feels like his wife is not physically attracted to him and does not give him sex he feels rejected. The man needs to feel desired by his woman. He also needs to feel he is appreciated mentally by his wife and society. If these needs are not met anger comes out.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Cosmos said:


> I agree with much of CM's post here. Anger most certainly isn't gender specific. However, the way we express our anger tends to be...
> 
> Gender socialization has (traditionally) tended to encourage males to express their anger physically (boys settling their differences in the playground with their fists), whereas females have been encouraged to rein it in (resulting in passive aggressive behaviour - tears, sulking etc).
> 
> Women certainly feel anger, but have been conditioned to express it differently...
> 
> Read more here:- Anger across the gender divide


The world is full of angry people.
We all have our past experiences , and some of it has affected us negatively, and our actions continue to affect others,
Negatively.
I went to a personal development seminar many years ago , and the female speaker gave a good explanation for all the anger that seems prevalent at that time and moreso today.
She summed it up nicely by saying:

" Hurt people ,_ hurt_ people.."

Then there's the " drama triangle " theory of dysfunctional relationships,where one always find themselves alternating between three roles , persecutor , rescuer and victim.

Those [ male & female ] in the " drama triangle " tend to use their anger in one way or another to shame the other person / people. They unconsciously re-enact painful life themes that creaate shame.Doing this helps them reinforce old ,painful beliefs that keeps them stuck in their own "comfort zone" or caricature of
" existence" that has absolutely no bearing on reality.

They are victims.
And they are angry because they feel powerless.


----------



## Wing Man

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> In the last 14 years I've seen my husband angry maybe 2-3 times and that is it.
> 
> My husband is the calmest man you'd ever meet. I love it this way.


I would love to be a lot calmer of a person but so far nothing I have tried has worked, and I have a lot of adrenaline inside me just like my dad who also had a bad temper in his younger days(but not so much now at 81 yrs old).


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Kobo said:


> But your mother didn't act in a rational adult manner by accepting the charity without discussion. Your father didn't get angry out of thin air. This a big issue I see. You and I'm guessing your mother see accepting this gift as no big deal. He saw it as his family having to accept scraps from others as well as his wife not appreciating what he can provide for her. Also we don't know about the previous conversations on the subject.


Pretty sure its because he was always a control freak, and change of any kind totally wigged him out. Seriously, you couldnt move a picture on the wall without him having a hissy. 

You also got a hissy fit if you talked too softly, or too loudly, or if the phone rang, or if someone knocked on the door, or if you asked to go do something, or there was something new for dinner...


----------



## VermisciousKnid

jeyna said:


> I fear my husband when he is angry. His voice is louder and his size is bigger. It is intimidating and I get anxious. My husband never fears me no matter what kind of tantrum I throw. He just finds it annoying.


But do you fear him because he's bigger or because he's demonstrated physical violence when angry in the past? I'd wager that most men who get angry aren't feared by their families. Yelling doesn't equate to physical violence.


----------



## norajane

VermisciousKnid said:


> But do you fear him because he's bigger or because he's demonstrated physical violence when angry in the past? I'd wager that most men who get angry aren't feared by their families. Yelling doesn't equate to physical violence.


Yelling does often equate to emotional abuse. The stuff they say when yelling can be quite damaging, especially when it's frequent and explosive.

And even though they may not have gotten physical in the past, the fear that they might take that step is still there.

I dated a very mild-mannered guy for a long time. Looking back now, I see that he had a passive aggressive streak. Anyway, even though he was quite mild-mannered, there came a day when I was sitting in his lap and we started a discussion that ended up making me quite upset, so I started to get up out of his lap. He grabbed me to keep me there and would not let go no matter what I said or did or how I struggled. Scared the crap out of me. I moved out not long after that. You just never know what can happen with an angry person.


----------



## MaritimeGuy

VermisciousKnid said:


> But do you fear him because he's bigger or because he's demonstrated physical violence when angry in the past? I'd wager that most men who get angry aren't feared by their families. Yelling doesn't equate to physical violence.


I never hit anyone my entire adult life. No one can point to a history of physical violence. However back when I used to explode with anger over the stupidest of things my entire family, wife and kids, used to quake with fear. Undoubtedly they could sense the seething anger and could see I did not have complete control over it. It was scary.

I can't explain why I felt angry so often and still do from time to time. I know in my head at the time it is occurring it is irrational however that doesn't lessen the intensity of the feeling. 

Just like any emotion you can't deny it simply because someone suggests you should or even because you would like to. I think what you do do is learn to manage it. You learn to be more assertive so you address things as they come up rather than just taking crap until eventually you get to the point you explode (usually over something very minor and completely unrelated to the real source of your angst). As has already been suggested, you find other outlets for your aggression such as sports, chopping wood etc. Most of all you learn to never ever take it out on the people in your life who least deserve it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

ManOhMan2013 said:


> I have been told anger comes out of the feeling of loss of control. If a man feels he has no control anger is the way he responds. I also read that anger is an addictive trait. It's exhilarating. The feeling of one's blood pressure going up due to anger is a rush and subconsciously we want that rush feeling. Also, if a husband feels like his wife is not physically attracted to him and does not give him sex he feels rejected. The man needs to feel desired by his woman. He also needs to feel he is appreciated mentally by his wife and society. If these needs are not met anger comes out.


I agree much with this post... 

My Father is a decent man, not prone to outbursts of anger ... but boy when my mother didn't want to have sex with him... I remember those fights when I was a little thing...(had no idea the issue then).... he was in a pickle with her..... 

When he married my step Mom, he was happy happy happy ...their marriage flowed beautifully... even if I didn't like her... Rarely seen him show ANGER (the type that catches your attention & you are rattled- there had to be a reason for it ). 

It's not just a male thing by any means...(more *temperament* related & *circumstance *related, even *discipline* related)... I am the one with the brasher "quick to ignite" temper in our marriage ... though it's not too bad with our dynamics as HE likes to make fun of me and gets the kids involved ...and this calms me... he gets me laughing at myself... 

I was worse when I was younger..and true as it always is...it WAS about a "loss of control"... I didn't like my step Mom..and I wanted out of that house....I was STUCK till age 18... thankfully my Phlegmatic husband was able to put up with my moods back then.... knowing it was never about HIM..... I was pretty happy when we were together though, so it wasn't all bad.

I read some books on *Anger* ..I seek to Understand myself & and deal with my emotions...also learned my inborn primary Temperament wasn't helping matters..being a *Choleric* ...one of our weaknesses is a lack of patience, we like to be in control... We have our good qualities too of course... so I had to work on these things...effectively do what I could do to get what I was wanting.









Also men have 10 times PLUS more testosterone over women....which causes this aggression...our hormones affect us in ways most of us never realize... Taken from this book..  The Alchemy of Love and Lust  this is what it says about Testosterone and its effects >>



> *As to Sexual roles -Testosterone *:
> 
> *Increases sexual thoughts & fantasies
> *Responds to Novelty , inspires one night stands & affairs
> *Increases aggressive sex drive in both men & women -but *Doesn't have a stong effect on erection except indirectly by increasing desire.
> *Increases the urge to masterbate rather than the desire for intercourse.
> 
> *As to Behavior, Testosterone *:
> 
> *Is activating
> *Maintains separateness & promotes aggression
> *Increases assertiveness and self -confidence
> *Has been implicated as a cause of certain types of criminal behavior and domestic violence.
> *Can trigger or contribute to psychotic behavior
> *Rises in response to winning, social status, and pecking orders
> *Is higher than usual in CAREER WOMAN
> 
> *How we can Influence Testosterone :*
> 
> *Winning compititions/arguments/battles
> *Sexual thoughtsm activities
> *Diet containing Meat
> *exercise


It's wonderful when you are married to a Man like this... when I have pi$$ed my husband off in a moment..I always get this sort of treatment in return.... Love him for it !


----------



## VermisciousKnid

norajane said:


> Yelling does often equate to emotional abuse. The stuff they say when yelling can be quite damaging, especially when it's frequent and explosive.
> 
> And even though they may not have gotten physical in the past, the fear that they might take that step is still there.
> 
> I dated a very mild-mannered guy for a long time. Looking back now, I see that he had a passive aggressive streak. Anyway, even though he was quite mild-mannered, there came a day when I was sitting in his lap and we started a discussion that ended up making me quite upset, so I started to get up out of his lap. He grabbed me to keep me there and would not let go no matter what I said or did or how I struggled. Scared the crap out of me. I moved out not long after that. You just never know what can happen with an angry person.


I guess my point is that a yelling man and a yelling woman are equally abusive. A man is usually more intimidating physically but why is it that so many women expect them to become physical? Is it just because they are bigger? That's a sad statement. 

Do women think that the emotional abuse that they inflict on men is less damaging because they can't inflict physical abuse as well? Kind of the sarcastic "poor baby, did I hurt your little feelings" approach, because men are big and tough and women are small and weak You see echoes of that when women on this board are surprised that men have feelings.


----------



## norajane

VermisciousKnid said:


> I guess my point is that a yelling man and a yelling woman are equally abusive. A man is usually more intimidating physically but why is it that so many women expect them to become physical? Is it just because they are bigger? That's a sad statement.
> 
> Do women think that the emotional abuse that they inflict on men is less damaging because they can't inflict physical abuse as well? Kind of the sarcastic "poor baby, did I hurt your little feelings" approach, because men are big and tough and women are small and weak You see echoes of that when women on this board are surprised that men have feelings.


You are correct that emotional abuse is abuse, no matter whether it is a man or woman doing the abusing.

Why do women expect that an angry, yelling man might become physical? Because we've seen it happen, or know women that it's happened to. Growing up, our neighbor used to beat his wife when he was angry and drunk. My cousin ran away from her husband once because he hit her during an argument. My mother and her siblings lived in fear of their dad who would hit when he was angry. It happens a lot, and once is enough to make us realize how vulnerable we are.

Do men expect an angry, yelling woman to become physical? Do they fear they wouldn't be able to stop her or get away if she became physical? I know there is female domestic violence against men, too, although I don't know what the stats are and how they compare to male domestic violence.


----------



## bbird1

I think some of it is men are taught from little boys. Be tough, don't cry, suck it up. When the man like this hits his end of the rope he lashes out and hence anger.

I personally have good testosterone levels but am never violent toward those i care for. My wife however is smart enough to let me walk away from a situation and cool off. When i return we continue our conversation. Some women don't allow a man even this outlet and will follow him and push him for answers. 

The saying goes If you follow a dragon into it's cave you will get burned. Think of your husband as a dragon, mighty, majestic, powerful, strong. But even a dragon can only take so much poking before he bites or fights back. We have stress at work, home, everywhere just like women do. But we are taught never to show our emotion because it's weak.

I am also lucky because my wife has learned how to talk to me and she starts each request with:

Dear i need to talk....to me this means she needs to talk and i am expected to just listen, i don't need to give advice nor fix anything just listen....this also tells me its not about me but something that is bothering her.

Dear I need advice....She wants me to help solve a problem with advice but I am not expected to fix it just advise and back off....again this is not about me but she expects me to participate and more than jsut listen to her vent.

Dear I need help....Ok now I need to take some action to try and fix something for her or with her

Dear WE need to talk....ok this is something about her and I, the kids or even just me and she needs to express it and i need to listen and participate where appropriate.

I wish all women knew how to communicate like that. There'd be a lot fewer confused men out there. We make the mistake at times of trying to fix everything for our wives and this is not always what they want from us.


----------



## Racer

norajane said:


> Do men expect an angry, yelling woman to become physical? Do they fear they wouldn't be able to stop her or get away if she became physical? I know there is female domestic violence against men, too, although I don't know what the stats are and how they compare to male domestic violence.


No, we expect, also through our own observations, for you to get petty, vindictive and go after our insecurities. 

Why do men hide emotionally? Because to reveal how emotionally frail we really are tends to become the very weapon used against us. We are 'built & raised' better to take a punch to the face than we are an attack on our self-esteem. 

Opposite for women yes?


----------



## VermisciousKnid

This is a sad thing if it is in the back of every woman's mind that any man can become physically abusive. It makes men out to be a much more different from women than they really are.


----------



## jeyna

VermisciousKnid said:


> But do you fear him because he's bigger or because he's demonstrated physical violence when angry in the past? I'd wager that most men who get angry aren't feared by their families. Yelling doesn't equate to physical violence.


Because my husband is phyiscally able to control me, against my will, due to his larger size and strength. There is nothing I could do to control him against his will unless I had a gun in my hand. It's not because he has demonstrated violence, but if he wanted to he could. Haven't you hever heard the statement "go pick on someone your own size?" It's about a power imbalance.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

jeyna said:


> Because my husband is phyiscally able to control me, against my will, due to his larger size and strength. There is nothing I could do to control him against his will unless I had a gun in my hand. It's not because he has demonstrated violence, but if he wanted to he could. Haven't you hever heard the statement "go pick on someone your own size?" It's about a power imbalance.


"Go pick on someone your own size" is what is said to a bully. A bully is someone with a history of physical confrontation. 

Do some women really think that every man is bully material? Probably, I guess. It isn't true, though. Being bigger doesn't make a man violent. Being smaller doesn't make a man passive.


----------



## Catherine602

I think the real stats on the abuse of men by women are hard to come by. Men seldom report it out of shame. 

I've read many post on this forum where men describe abuse at the hands of their partner but don't give it the name of abuse. Many suffer in silence as many women do.

Not all anger is abusive, I think. If an angry argument is not intimidating to either party, no physical threats are voiced and each person is free to to voice their point equally, it seems ok. 

My husband and I have very heated arguments sometimes. I am not intimidated by him and he does not seem to be intimidated by me. If he is, it does not stop him from getting as angry as me.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

3Xnocharm said:


> But, where is the threat in the example I gave earlier, when the wife wasnt able to snap an answer out fast enough? I remember one time back when I was a kid, probably like 12 or so, my mom got a kitchen table set (free) from a friend of hers. We had had the same one since I was maybe 2 or so, and it looked awful...one of those old metal things,outdated, scratched, chairs falling apart. My dad came home and saw it, and went through the roof. He raged for days about it until she finally got it out of the house. It was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen in my life. He acted like a mean, petulant child over a table and chairs.
> 
> A lot of people dont realize how things like this stick with their kids through their childhood and beyond. Its the reason I will encourage women who think they are stuck with an angry man to leave when they have kids, because I lived in that home, and I hated it.


Trying to fit your two examples into my thinking, this is what I come up with:

There may have been some other prior issue that already had the husband in an agitated state. Lack of control is a major stress factor. From an evolutionary perspective, anger can't abide waiting. Wait, and the wolf just ate you. ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK. NOW NOW NOW. GO GO GO. That's how I'd characterize it. I know it sounds bizzare, but I think even waiting on someone's answer could be a stress in an agitated state. You don't have full control. You're dependent on their answer and they aren't acting with the urgency you feel. 

The behavior is definitely problematic, and he needs to learn a better way to handle his anger. I'm not justifying it, I'm just relating something I read about the tendency of men to be quick to anger... particularly high T men. The article I read also delved into steroid use.

The old table I think I understand better. Most men have a perception of themselves as providers. Early in my marriage, I got angry once because my wife wanted to buy a POS car because we were sharing one. We had decent money, and our shared car was nice, but we weren't in a position at the time to buy what I considered an acceptable car. In effect, that she proposed the crappy car was received as an affront to my ability to provide or how I was managing our finances such that we weren't able at that time to buy a nice car. Very hard to explain, but things like can be received as threats to our sense of self, our ego, our lack of humility... we feel vulnerable with no retreat... thus it triggers threat response: anger.

Embarrass the average man and see how likely he is to respond with anger. Largely the same thing. Kids unconsolably crying or making a scene while you're out to eat and he gets angry? Its not the kids he's mad at. Its the embarrassment. He's not in control of how he's perceived... he feels vulnerable with no retreat... attack!

At least, that's my thinking.


----------



## Vega

greenpearl said:


> And people can change, they just need to admit that they are wrong. *Get rid of the ego*, and start working on yourself.


AMEN TO WHAT IS *BOLDED*!!! 

I am convinced that MOST of the world's problems begin with our immature out of control egos.

There is NO ROOM for ego in a relationship or a marriage. It's a shame that more people don't recognize this.

I'm glad you're one of the ones who recognized it in yourself, greenpearl! You 'sound' happier for doing so!

Vega


----------



## wifenumber2

Between my husband and my daughter, I find that when you peel back the layers of the proverbial anger onion, on the surface, I used to think it was my fault but I started figuring out that I was just at the wrong place and the wrong time.


----------



## Wiserforit

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I've read that there is an evolutionary component to male tendency to respond to all sorts of stress with anger. When you're angry, you feel more powerful; fear is reduced; you're less risk averse; adrenaline is usually pumping so you're stronger... all towards a single purpose:
> 
> Combat. Destroy the threat.
> 
> Its been suggested that this behavior evolved as a result of its contribution to survival in the face of animal attack, enemy tribes, etc. Fear causes retreat, can't retreat? Attack. Anger.
> 
> Many things in the modern world trigger this same stress response even though there is no threat. Running late and facing traffic? Fear. There's no retreat. No solution. Attack! Anger response.
> 
> Many times an angry person is so because they feel trapped or unable to escape the pressures in their lives or fear making the changes necessary to relieve them, and never developed other coping mechanisms - often because their parents lacked alternative coping mechanisms too.
> 
> Anger is the natural response inescapable threats (stress). Doing something else is learned, and a lot of people weren't shown an alternative model.



Anger is the enemy of the prize fighter, commanding general or even the lowest private. Because anger causes you to lose your focus, take rash actions, and waste precious resources. Anger is also not bravery nor wisdom. 

It sounds good to a person who has never been in the ring to "get mad" at your opponent or the threat. But steely determination and a cool head wins fights whereas anger just makes for mistakes. 

Same thing in personal relations. It is out of anger that we make stupid statements and take rash actions. 

It is a tautology that anger developed evolutionarily. Everything about us did so. But likewise, the ability to control anger is an even stronger evolutionary imperitive . 

Wolves and bears? Shot plenty. Remarkably, I have had three bears charge me at the same time in two incidents. The first was on Kodiak Island. Those bears are up to 2,000 lbs, and I had a 30-06 with two rounds in it on account of the first round having killed the deer I was gutting when they chased me off it. I ran like [email protected] straight down an extremely steep mountainside, and neither fear nor anger were operating upon me. I could see how much trouble they were having going downhill, like dogs going downstairs and instantly realized I could beat them going down, whereas they are fast as horses on the flats. 

I resolved to buy an elephant gun, a 375 H&H magnum, always keeping 4 shells in it and by God, I had a moose down in the Alaska range when three interior grizzlies burst out of the brush on a full gallop straight at me. I laid two of them down with cool, practiced mechanics of firing. The third decided he better back off. No anger. Adrenalyn pumping, sure. But no different from any other combat. 

This guy who was angry at his wife was not facing grizzly bears, a trained fighter, or soldiers. His release of anger has no survival ramifications. He did so against the exact opposite: people who would be bullied by it. He is a coward, not a soldier or hunter.


----------



## greenpearl

Vega said:


> AMEN TO WHAT IS *BOLDED*!!!
> 
> I am convinced that MOST of the world's problems begin with our immature out of control egos.
> 
> There is NO ROOM for ego in a relationship or a marriage. It's a shame that more people don't recognize this.
> 
> I'm glad you're one of the ones who recognized it in yourself, greenpearl! You 'sound' happier for doing so!
> 
> Vega


Thanks! 

I finally found joy after I realized that was my problem and worked hard to get rid of it. It was humiliating at the beginning. It was like being slapped on my face. And not only once, it was again and again. The Bible says that only humble people can be taught, and I agree with 100%. Arrogant people think they are better than others, they can't take into any advice. Humble people examine themselves and work on themselves. It takes a lot of courage and effort to transform from an arrogant person to a humble one. I am still not humble, and I still have problems to overcome, but I have become a more confident, more peaceful, less jealous, and less insecure person. I feel I had done something great for myself.


----------



## olwhatsisname

3Xnocharm said:


> Hey guys, I thought I'd pick your brains a little here. Why is that so many men have anger issues? There are SO many threads here about angry husbands. I grew up with an angry father, then managed to marry TWO different men who also had issues with anger. I can remember several friends' fathers being the same way when I was growing up, and hear friends now talking about their husbands being angry a lot. The anger seems to flare over little, ridiculous issues that do not warrant it, most of the time, and usually only happens at home, not at work. You never know what is going to set them off, so there is the whole walking on eggshells thing for most.
> 
> So what gives here? :scratchhead:


 well=50 years ago I got married. Jobs,kids,the GOVERNMENT,INLAWS,NEIGHBORS, auto mech.s, and it seems no-one was satisfied with any thing I DID. BURNT OUT NOW COMPLETELY. WHAT YOU SEE IS ALL THEIR IS. I ran a contracting Co. for 30 yr.s===people are pretty much, lazy, shiftless, SLOW-(dim-witted), and think they are worth twice what they receive for their effort. no wonder America is full of thieves,crooked bussinesses,and over paid union help. & my wife figures I was having fun instead of trying to figure how to make payroll. my wife says I should tell the truth. imagine that ???


----------



## Running Mom

Kobo said:


> Husband wants wife to turn off Real Housewives of El Paso. Husband yells "all you women love drama" and changes to ESPN. Wife yells back as she's slamming the door on exit yada yada yada he doesn't miss kickoff.
> 
> Husband2 wants wife to turn off Pantry crashers on hgtv. Husband2 says calmly Hun we've watched pantry crashers all week. Let's take a break and I'd like to watch the game. Wife goes into a discussion about the issues with violence in football and how cheer leading exploits women and your daughter won't be exposed to this in any way. Yada yada yada husband2 catches highlights on sportscenter.
> 
> 
> Efficiency is subjective depending on goal


The answer is "get a second TV."


----------



## ocotillo

Wiserforit said:


> Anger is the enemy of the prize fighter, commanding general or even the lowest private.


Anger is certainly an impediment to clear thinking and wrecks havoc on things like coordination and steady hands, but that's probably equally true of other primitive emotions, like fear.

Both serve a purpose in the sense of being emotions of motivation. Both are responses to something that is in one way or another, is unacceptable. If, for example, your aged parents are defrauded out of their life savings by a con man and you don't feel even the tiniest twinge, (Even if you would describe it more as righteous indignation than anger) there's probably something wrong.

Anger can make people do things they might otherwise have been too afraid to do and in this respect, probably exists as a balance to fear.

I think on this thread, we're mostly talking about misplaced, misdirected and uncontrolled anger, which I would agree has no place in a relationship.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

Wiserforit said:


> Anger is the enemy of the prize fighter, commanding general or even the lowest private. Because anger causes you to lose your focus, take rash actions, and waste precious resources. Anger is also not bravery nor wisdom.


In these examples, you're referring to those with training... those acting on rational thought, a fairly recent evolutionary development.

A better example is a street fight between two untrained, physically similar opponents. If you're really a fighter, then you know as well as I do that the untrained man with the greatest intensity stands the best chance of winning. The more angry person wins. Hell, even in mismatches, I'll often take the more intense little guy over the bigger, less intense guy. Prior to the development of rational thought - planning and training, intensity won the day among equal opponents... and the best chance of survival meant summoning the most intensity to stressful situations when retreat wasn't an option. ANGER.



Wiserforit said:


> It sounds good to a person who has never been in the ring to "get mad" at your opponent or the threat. But steely determination and a cool head wins fights whereas anger just makes for mistakes.


Don't throw insults at me, put words in my mouth or assume who I am. I was on the wrestling team in high school. I'm an amateur competitive boxer today. I've been in the ring. I've also served in the Marines. If you want to say I've never been in the ring, have the balls to say "You have never been in the ring", don't dance around it with "It sounds good to a person who has never been in the ring." I NEVER said getting mad is better than a cool head. The cool head is a learned application of reason. Being calm in a fight is a learned behavior. Rational thought itself is a VERY recent evolutionary development. The anger response preceded it by millions of years. Which do you think carries the greater weight in our untrained behaviors?



Wiserforit said:


> the ability to control anger is an even stronger evolutionary imperitive .


Obviously not or we wouldn't be having this discussion. The ability to control anger with a rational objective is a recent development. A superior one no doubt, but the dominant factor in our behavior? Not quite. At some point, no matter who you are, the lower level ancient brain - the amygdala - will override the higher brain function of rational thought.

Your control layer lives on top of a much more basic and ancient emotional layer. A rational response to stress/threats isn't something that we're generally born with. Its learned. Our rational mind only observes and understands that it is valuable to learn.

As a species, we are equally evolved and possess an equal capacity for anger and reason. The anger response in some isn't a sign of lesser evolution (they're the same species!), its just a sign that they never learned the more effective behavior. The fact that not everyone possesses the anger control response is proof of it not being an evolutionary component. Yet even without it, they have the capacity to reason. This is the equivalent of having an operating system, but not having the beneficial application installed. This installation on the computer, is analogous to a person learning a new skill: How better to handle stress.



Wiserforit said:


> No anger. Adrenalyn pumping, sure. But no different from any other combat.


Control. Learned behavior. No where in my post did I say anger was better than rational control... but evolutionarily speaking, it was king for far longer. Our ability to control it is a rather recent development in applying rational thought.



Wiserforit said:


> This guy who was angry at his wife was not facing grizzly bears, a trained fighter, or soldiers. His release of anger has no survival ramifications. He did so against the exact opposite: people who would be bullied by it. He is a coward, not a soldier or hunter.


I posit that he's neither a coward nor soldier. He's just a man who never learned how to handle stress in a more rational manner.

The man who abuses his wife as a result of his feelings of inadequacy or weakness in the larger world... THAT guy is a coward. But that guy has a legitimate mental issue likely stemming from his own past abuse... its not manner of not having learned how to cope with stress. That guy feels powerless, and abusing the weak is how he feels powerful. That's a coward.


----------



## iBolt

3x - I finally get to contribute on your post  as you always write sense on mine so here goes...

I am sorry that perhaps due to the very gender specific nature of your OP, this thread in part is sounding more like a war of the sexes. 

From professional experience, when learning a conflict management module, ALL humans and animals have the primordial fight or flight reflex reaction. Fear, lack of control, self ego or even perception of embarrassment and insult can trigger either of these. The more elevated ones perception of any of these triggers, the more likely they are to fight back or just recoil into a cave. 

As others have alluded to, possibly due to hormonal differences, men seem to take to either extremes more than women. Physical size, I think limit the options that women have to other responses that some have alluded to. 

Either way, I put it mostly down to control. Both men and women equally want control over their lives and in some cases over others' too. People can react VERY badly if they feel this control threatened or slipping away. It feels like a nigh existential thing at times. A once docile animal that finds itself trapped, cornered or feels neutered can suddenly become a fierce creature.

As humans, we are sometimes little different to animals in this regard. However, we are not like the lower creatures of the animal kingdom. We have the capacity to control ourselves and find better ways.

For whatever reason, I do think that men take things that they feel insults whatever their sense of 'manhood' very personally. There are some women for example who hate being told/advised on what to do with a sick child. This insults their perceived and innate maternal instincts. The person on the receiving end could even be the husband and father of the children. 

I am sure that there's an evolutionary purpose to anger but I cannot see a justification for it when it literally ruins the lives of loved ones including that of the angered soul himself...or herself


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

iBolt said:


> I am sure that there's an evolutionary purpose to anger but I cannot see a justification for it when it literally ruins the lives of loved ones including that of the angered soul himself...or herself


There's an evolutionary purpose to having an appendix too. Now, its just something that has potential to kill you.


----------



## bbird1

jeyna said:


> Because my husband is phyiscally able to control me, against my will, due to his larger size and strength. There is nothing I could do to control him against his will unless I had a gun in my hand. It's not because he has demonstrated violence, but if he wanted to he could. Haven't you hever heard the statement "go pick on someone your own size?" It's about a power imbalance.


IF you fear your husband then you have a problem.

I could easily harm my wife. I am former marine, and in good shape, I know how to fight and how to kill. BUT she know under no scenario known to man that I would ever strike her or cause her harm.

She doesn't hit me (ever) and I expect that to remain so but she also expects i will never (EVER) strike her. My advice get some help. IF he has struck you then get help (restraining orders ect..) IF he hasn't then get some help for yourself because you are confused and worried for no reason. Tigers do not change their strips. 

IF he is abusive and you fear for your safety please get out of the danger zone and next time pick a MAN not some bad boy wanna be. Any man who hurts his wife is a LOSER and a JACKASH. A MAN will NEVER under any scenario harm the ones he loves with intention. When I got back from war I spent 2 months without my family in detox to ensure I wouldn't harm them because of reflex or instinct. REAL men are hard to find.

Ladies stop looking for the bad boy tough guys. They are all talk. Never once has my wife heard me say "I could beat so and so up" or brag about my abilities. I know what I know and when pressed you would find the cornered wolf and it has teeth. But when i can allow you the ability to walk away or I can safely walk away there is no need to become violent. Only when cornered will a real man bare his teeth and fight.


----------



## bbird1

VermisciousKnid said:


> *I dated a very mild-mannered guy for a long time. Looking back now, I see that he had a passive aggressive streak.*


Wow guys can't catch a break. We yell it's abussive, we don't it's passive aggressive, We walk out it's controling, We stay and taking we are whimps.

Pathetic there are no REAL women here it seems who respect men as much as I anyway respect women. Don't get me wrong to be a woman is different than just having the right parts. It's about respecting yourself and others and learning not all people are the same based on color, sex, religion ect...

A man who walks away when things is sometimes allowing the boiling pot to cool before putting his hand in. I know for my marriage my wife knows when i take a walk I will return level headed and cool and we can sit and really discuss what is bothering her or myself when i return. No names, no cruel words and no hassles.

Just seems this thread has turned into male bashing more than anything educational.


----------



## Wiserforit

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> If you're really a fighter, then you know as well as I do that the untrained man with the greatest intensity stands the best chance of winning.


Rubbish. You have first of all done the bait-and-switch from "anger" to "intensity".

Intensity requires conditioning in order to sustain anything beyond a matter of seconds. Conditioning has nothing to do with anger, and everything to do with training. 

You sound like someone without a background in combat sports so don't be telling me "we both know" things that I disagree with. Or weren't successful because you have stupid ideas about what it takes to be a champion. Anger? Pfffft. 

People do not hunt because they are angry. They don't compete in boxing because they are angry, and they don't fight wars because they are angry. Intensity is not anger, although anger can be intense like any other emotion. 




> Rational thought itself is a VERY recent evolutionary development.


Also rubbish. Try reading for example Peter Wilson's "Evolutionary Context of Rational Objective Thought". Darwin even argued in the 1800's that there wasn't much difference between humans and other higher mammals regarding their mental capacity in this respect. It is obviously very ancient, not recent. It isn't even exclusive to man, something noted in evolutionary studies for more than a century. 

This is just another example of throwing out something that sounds good to people without a background, in this case in evolutionary studies. But it isn't true.


----------



## doubletrouble

3Xnocharm said:


> Hey guys, I thought I'd pick your brains a little here. Why is that so many men have anger issues? There are SO many threads here about angry husbands. I grew up with an angry father, then managed to marry TWO different men who also had issues with anger. I can remember several friends' fathers being the same way when I was growing up, and hear friends now talking about their husbands being angry a lot. The anger seems to flare over little, ridiculous issues that do not warrant it, most of the time, and usually only happens at home, not at work. You never know what is going to set them off, so there is the whole walking on eggshells thing for most.
> 
> So what gives here? :scratchhead:


I'm mad that you even asked this question. 

:rofl:


----------



## doubletrouble

Seriously though, a lot of answers I would give have already been given. I have never been an "angry man" but I have been passive aggressive. My first W, whose parents were both psychologists, told me that (thanks for the feedback, babe, ha ha). 

I talk my way out of fights, and I am 2 meters tall and not a bean pole, either. I've had martial arts training and would rather talk it out than duke it out. 

We've all heard of "fight or flight" response, and it's ingrained into us. Fighting can be from angoer or fear, and sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart. 

I credit my father with a lot of this. He's so mild mannered and soft spoken... people like him and I want to be more like him as I grow older. I think I am, too.


----------



## Holland

bbird1 said:


> Wow guys can't catch a break. We yell it's abussive, we don't it's passive aggressive, We walk out it's controling, We stay and taking we are whimps.
> 
> *Pathetic there are no REAL women here it seems who respect men as much as I anyway respect women. Don't get me wrong to be a woman is different than just having the right parts. It's about respecting yourself and others and learning not all people are the same based on color, sex, religion ect...*
> 
> A man who walks away when things is sometimes allowing the boiling pot to cool before putting his hand in. I know for my marriage my wife knows when i take a walk I will return level headed and cool and we can sit and really discuss what is bothering her or myself when i return. No names, no cruel words and no hassles.
> 
> Just seems this thread has turned into male bashing more than anything educational.


This comes across as angry. I agreed with your first post but this one is very dubious.

I am a REAL woman, I love and respect the many wonderful men in my life (even including my ex husband). What I refuse to do though is pretend that certain behaviours are acceptable.

Maybe it would be beneficial to break down types of anger. A man that gets angry at his wife, kids, at work etc just because he is unable to control himself is not a good man and does not deserve respect.

A man that stands up to others that are abusing or endangering his loved ones is a good man.

The same man can show anger in different circumstances and still be a good man. It is how and when he shows anger that makes the difference.


----------



## ocotillo

Holland said:


> The same man can show anger in different circumstances and still be a good man. It is how and when he shows anger that makes the difference.


Yes! One of the most humorous examples I can think of is from Jame's Herirot's _All Creatures Great And Small_:

"When I climbed into the sty, the biggest sow I had ever seen rose from the straw, gave an explosive bark and rushed at me with its huge mouth gaping.

Two seconds later, I was on my back...You know I'm not a violent chap, but as I lay there, all my fears vanished and all I felt was hatred for that bloody animal. I was up on my feet and booting its arse round and round the sty. And do you know, it showed no fight at all. It was a coward at heart."​


----------



## Runs like Dog

It's not anger. It's hate. Huge difference.


----------



## olwhatsisname

bbird1 said:


> Wow guys can't catch a break. We yell it's abussive, we don't it's passive aggressive, We walk out it's controling, We stay and taking we are whimps.
> 
> Pathetic there are no REAL women here it seems who respect men as much as I anyway respect women. Don't get me wrong to be a woman is different than just having the right parts. It's about respecting yourself and others and learning not all people are the same based on color, sex, religion ect...
> 
> A man who walks away when things is sometimes allowing the boiling pot to cool before putting his hand in. I know for my marriage my wife knows when i take a walk I will return level headed and cool and we can sit and really discuss what is bothering her or myself when i return. No names, no cruel words and no hassles.
> 
> Just seems this thread has turned into male bashing more than anything educational.


 if We were still hunter (men) gatherers (women) their would be no violence between us because the common goal of survival would take precidence.


----------



## bbird1

Holland said:


> This comes across as angry. I agreed with your first post but this one is very dubious.
> 
> I am a REAL woman, I love and respect the many wonderful men in my life (even including my ex husband). What I refuse to do though is pretend that certain behaviours are acceptable.
> 
> Maybe it would be beneficial to break down types of anger. A man that gets angry at his wife, kids, at work etc just because he is unable to control himself is not a good man and does not deserve respect.
> 
> A man that stands up to others that are abusing or endangering his loved ones is a good man.
> 
> The same man can show anger in different circumstances and still be a good man. It is how and when he shows anger that makes the difference.


There is no anger in this post. I am commenting on how everything the man does is wrong. One post says yelling in abuse...on this i agree but then yelling from your wife is also abuse but people would disagree. Please provide any quote you believe is angry and not stated factually and clearly in my post. 

When a man says nothing or speaks softly in this thread he has been labeled passive aggressive. When he speaks loudly he is abusive, when he says nothing in is a wimp. The point is make up your mind what you want. Stop bashing give constructive advice HOW the man can speak or not speak to you (the ladies on the board) that is acceptable. It just sucks to be in a no win situation and I am happy there are more reasonable women out there. 

Amen and god bless and sorry if you believed any part of my comment to be in anger or an angry tone but perfect example of a man expressing himself thoughtfully and thoroughly and still being called angry. Thank you for making my point for me.


----------



## Holland

bbird1 I already showed the part of your post that comes across as angry, it is bolded in my post. It also comes across as disrespectful and a huge generalisation.


----------



## ocotillo

Runs like Dog said:


> It's not anger. It's hate. Huge difference.


_J'ai la haine_


----------



## treyvion

bbird1 said:


> There is no anger in this post. I am commenting on how everything the man does is wrong. One post says yelling in abuse...on this i agree but then yelling from your wife is also abuse but people would disagree. Please provide any quote you believe is angry and not stated factually and clearly in my post.
> 
> When a man says nothing or speaks softly in this thread he has been labeled passive aggressive. When he speaks loudly he is abusive, when he says nothing in is a wimp. The point is make up your mind what you want. Stop bashing give constructive advice HOW the man can speak or not speak to you (the ladies on the board) that is acceptable. It just sucks to be in a no win situation and I am happy there are more reasonable women out there.
> 
> Amen and god bless and sorry if you believed any part of my comment to be in anger or an angry tone but perfect example of a man expressing himself thoughtfully and thoroughly and still being called angry. Thank you for making my point for me.


Hey, that doesn't sound too fair.


----------



## treyvion

treyvion said:


> Hey, that doesn't sound too fair.


What's even more beautiful, is when a c0ckblocker who knows how to work these angles, will wedge himself into this discussion where the boyfriend or husband is always wrong, and he is the defender. Talk about a blow to the esteem and old erection points just taking a beating.


----------



## treyvion

treyvion said:


> What's even more beautiful, is when a c0ckblocker who knows how to work these angles, will wedge himself into this discussion where the boyfriend or husband is always wrong, and he is the defender. Talk about a blow to the esteem and old erection points just taking a beating.


The wife/gf and the assistant literally feast on his gonads, right in his face.


----------



## iBolt

ocotillo said:


> _J'ai la haine_


Hey quit swearing


----------



## iBolt

treyvion said:


> What's even more beautiful, is when a c0ckblocker who knows how to work these angles, will wedge himself into this discussion where the boyfriend or husband is always wrong, and he is the defender. *Talk about a blow to the esteem and old erection points just taking a beating.*


:scratchhead:


----------



## MTS

Holland said:


> bbird1 I already showed the part of your post that comes across as angry, it is bolded in my post. It also comes across as disrespectful and a huge generalisation.


How about calling out all the women grouping men together? Seems the post you took offense to I did not. I understood his post and he even said how everyone is different. But after reading the thread i see what he is talking about one woman saying yelling is abuse, another saying not yelling is passive aggressive. It would seem he has a completely valid point in that no matter what the man does this thread has complained it is angry. Just like you did even when he apologized and tried to explain nothing said was in anger. Sorry lady but I can't see your point especially after his second explanation.


----------



## Wiltshireman

As we seem to be discussing the different ways in which the genders handle anger I am surprised that no one has brought up the “Fight or Flight” reflex. 

Most men seem to be pre programmed (whether by society or biology I do not know) to face things head on “Fight” most women (from what I have seen) tend to try and avoid / hide from the threat “Flight”.

I have found reading this thread enlightening, as I was an “Angry Young Man” from puberty through to my early twenties. I would “fly off the handle” at the smallest provocation and would resort to physical violence to resolve a dispute.

My father (an ex army officer) decided that I needed to “learn some discipline” so I was signed up to the boxing club where I was taught (amongst other thinks) the difference between “fighting” and “boxing”. This did help me reduce the number of times I “lost it” but the downside was that I did a lot more damage to people when I did. My coach at the gym (my father’s uncle) after seeing be “loose it” with two older boys in the locker room he told my father that I was like “a berserker in a rage” seemingly unaware of the pain I was causing others and unable to feel the pain they were inflicting on me. This did seem to fit to me as I felt that a “red mist” would come upon me when I was angry and did not feel the pain (I have been stabbed / bottled in fights) until afterwards.

As I got older the frequency with which I lost my temper and resorted to violence towards people became fewer and further between (but the injuries I inflicted got worse). My wife has only witnessed it once in the near 20 years we have been married (a street fight against muggers in Bulgaria). I do still get angry / frustrated and if I do not catch it in time I will find myself shouting or the wall or the door will get hit but normally I can just take a couple of deep breaths (or if it’s bad go for a cigarette) and then deal calmly with whatever has caused my anger / frustration. 

I know that my anger is still within me but now I control it, it does not control me,


----------



## Cosmos

Wiltshireman said:


> As we seem to be discussing the different ways in which the genders handle anger I am surprised that no one has brought up the “Fight or Flight” reflex.
> 
> Most men seem to be pre programmed (whether by society or biology I do not know) to face things head on “Fight” most women (from what I have seen) tend to try and avoid / hide from the threat “Flight”.


The hypothalamus is the part of the brain which governs the fight / flight reflex, and it is present in both genders (and all animals). Society, however, has taught males and females to handle their responses differently.


----------



## Stonewall

Anger is a force of nature, controlled anger is a force of intellect.


----------



## Mr B

I'm angry because I haven't had sex in 15 years and it is so hard to find a willing partner.


----------



## Thundarr

I've been avoiding this thread for weeks because it makes me so angry.


----------



## bunny23

I think this is a great topic... and I think there are 2 types of "anger"

There is an abusive side- someone who makes you physically scared even though they have not hit you. This is my stbx. He would cry, he would "talk" etc his way out of the outburst after and always blame ME.
As in- I'm making breakfast at 10am in a Sunday, he gets woken up, sees what I'm doing, rips pan/food out of my hand.. dumps it, throws the garbage can... punches the wall.. going back to sleep.

(I am getting physically upset while typing this BTW) 

vs. someone who occasionally has an issue over nothing, and when you talk to them about it they understand how much they freaked you out, take responsibility.. and if they ever do it again take steps to change their reactions.

IMO there is a difference between a man who just can't express his emotions vs someone who cannot recognize that they cannot express their emotions.. and will pacify your reaction with whatever it takes- so they can do it again.


----------



## treyvion

Mr B said:


> I'm angry because I haven't had sex in 15 years and it is so hard to find a willing partner.


I think that's on you Mr B. If you cared enough you'd find something in the next 30 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Quant

Women are weepy and always need to be listened to so I guess we are even in our annoyingness.


----------



## Thundarr

Sometimes it's just different ways of coping. When I'm working on one of cars or lawn mower of just something really frustrating, I can't imagine bottling up the frustration. I need to fuss or cuss or kick a tire or wrinkle my forehead or snarl or all of the above. My wife doesn't try to comfort or listen to my trouble and that's a good thing because then I'd have to tone it down and when I'm angry I don't want to tone it down. I want to hate the car .


----------



## Caribbean Man

Thundarr said:


> when I'm angry I don't want to tone it down. I want to hate the car .


That dog in your avatar looks angry.


----------



## Thundarr

Caribbean Man said:


> That dog in your avatar looks angry.


Yes you know there's nothing more scary than a pissed off ankle biter.


----------



## RandomDude

It's the internet, a good place to vent.


----------



## whitehawk

3Xnocharm said:


> Hey guys, I thought I'd pick your brains a little here. Why is that so many men have anger issues? There are SO many threads here about angry husbands. I grew up with an angry father, then managed to marry TWO different men who also had issues with anger. I can remember several friends' fathers being the same way when I was growing up, and hear friends now talking about their husbands being angry a lot. The anger seems to flare over little, ridiculous issues that do not warrant it, most of the time, and usually only happens at home, not at work. You never know what is going to set them off, so there is the whole walking on eggshells thing for most.
> 
> So what gives here? :scratchhead:


l still can't figure out why we even bother trying to have a mens clubhouse so you see right there fir a start, women do just have this thing . lt can really push buttons.
So you can take a lot in that , that stuff builds up so for one , the seeming little thing often is nothing to do with it. Remember , it's a straw that breaks a the camels back - God that's the most brilliant thing l've ever come out with 
And , we are the male animal , just like the lion or the stallion, oow l like that one too l'm firing, considering l'm actually depressed !
But we don't hunt or kill in this day and age, survive, instead we push pens , try to make money , hammer nails , tap on computers , fight with bills , stress, mortgages , the wife , the bank and there ya have it l reckon. And , we're suppose to be all nice about it , but the lion or stallion wouldn't be . My God l'm firing !


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## LonelyinLove

Wiserforit said:


> as I turned to get my laptop I stepped in dog poop with bare feet because we have a new puppy.


Do you have any idea how hard it is to stiffle the giggles while sitting in an office cubicle?

:rofl:


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## someone90

PHTlump said:


> One possibility is that testosterone makes men aggressive than women. Another is that men aren't socially adapted to vent anger before it boils over. Another is that women are just as angry as men, but express it differently. A good portion of the threads on wives who withhold sex are probably a result of female anger.


haha, female anger...


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## marko

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I've read that there is an evolutionary component to male tendency to respond to all sorts of stress with anger. When you're angry, you feel more powerful; fear is reduced; you're less risk averse; adrenaline is usually pumping so you're stronger... all towards a single purpose:
> 
> Combat. Destroy the threat.
> 
> Its been suggested that this behavior evolved as a result of its contribution to survival in the face of animal attack, enemy tribes, etc. Fear causes retreat, can't retreat? Attack. Anger.
> 
> Many things in the modern world trigger this same stress response even though there is no threat. Running late and facing traffic? Fear. There's no retreat. No solution. Attack! Anger response.
> 
> Many times an angry person is so because they feel trapped or unable to escape the pressures in their lives or fear making the changes necessary to relieve them, and never developed other coping mechanisms - often because their parents lacked alternative coping mechanisms too.
> 
> Anger is the natural response inescapable threats (stress). Doing something else is learned, and a lot of people weren't shown an alternative model.



very well said.to that I would add that anger is a default emotion as others have stated already. when men feel disrespected or trapped or challenged or highly stressed they can lash out in anger. 

it is indeed the primal brain taking over, the upper brain shuts down and allows us to do what we did millions of years ago. we fight out our fear. 

I used to have an anger issue, never touched my wife and only swore at her once, not related btw. darn lucky I never ended up in jail. most were related to road rage, both sides of the coin so to speak. once I hurt a guy really bad, really ashamed of myself at that.

I grew up mentally and figured out my triggers, learned to relax them a lot and challenged myself to find more constructive ways to deal with disrespect and confrontation. I deal with it everyday, I force myself to make the hard decision and deal with it intelligently instead of swearing and striking out.

btw when we swear in anger that is our evolved brain shutting down, if you feel like swearing take a breath and relax.it typically ends up better in the long run.


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## marko

greenpearl said:


> Angry people are stupid.
> 
> Letting people know that you are angry only shows them that you lack ability and self-control.


agreed. that's why I changed myself. do not let them see you sweat, when they see you sweat, make sure they see you very close.


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## Broken at 20

Why so angry?

My parents divorced. I feel like my father tried to offset the weight of saving the marriage by putting it on my shoulders. 
And now, both parents treat me like the un-wanted step child. 
And it doesn't help that the son of the woman my dad is dating does everything right. He got his degree in marketing. He is somewhere overseas, earning 6-figures, and everything he does is right. 
I can't even talk to my father without feeling like a failure, or a disappointment. Or both. 

Then I go to work. My boss credits me with the intelligence of a brick, and work treats me like cattle. I do the job of a manager, for less pay, and half the hours. And then they take away my tuition benefits. 
So I get to deal with that every weekend for 21-24 hours. 

And now my friends are gone to college, and with them, my social life. So I stay at home. No friends, siblings won't talk to me. 

I know I am an angry person.
I drink socially with my friends. Usually to forget my problems. Straight vodka, or bourbon/whiskey and coke. I only drink hard. 
My friends, they enjoy beer, and gin tonics, and similar drinks.
Me, I like it to burn its way down. 
Maybe it contributes to my anger, maybe it doesn't. 

But I feel like my family is abandoning me. And work is literally trying to steal from me. 
Most people would be angry.


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## I Notice The Details

I have learned that we all get angry...and at some point, our anger makes us so uncomfortable that we seek a change or new direction to go in. Anger CAN make us take charge of our life, or we can run from it and turn to vices instead to avoid reality. It is our choice. We can complain or we can take action and do something about our uncomfortable situation. 

I also think that being positive helps us DEAL with all the crap that happens in our life better than being negative. Just my two cents.


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## Mr B

treyvion said:


> I think that's on you Mr B. If you cared enough you'd find something in the next 30 days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Women are not interested in married guys. I could have sex tomorrow if I was willing to pay for it.


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## treyvion

Mr B said:


> Women are not interested in married guys. I could have sex tomorrow if I was willing to pay for it.


You must be hanging out in the wrong places. Some women specifically go after marrieds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marko

I agree, I have worked with some women that do that very thing. some see it as a way to conquer over another woman, some see it as a challenge to "break" the man to see if he should be in a relationship and some do it because they know the man will not be a long term commitment for them. 

there are a few sad men out there as well that aim for married ladies but it is pretty well just because they know there are some in sad marriages and want a one night fling with a cougar. 

pretty sad state of affairs when that is how you select a partner.


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## Rafters

3Xnocharm said:


> Hey guys, I thought I'd pick your brains a little here. Why is that so many men have anger issues? There are SO many threads here about angry husbands. I grew up with an angry father, then managed to marry TWO different men who also had issues with anger. I can remember several friends' fathers being the same way when I was growing up, and hear friends now talking about their husbands being angry a lot. The anger seems to flare over little, ridiculous issues that do not warrant it, most of the time, and usually only happens at home, not at work. You never know what is going to set them off, so there is the whole walking on eggshells thing for most.
> 
> So what gives here? :scratchhead:


Hrm. Well I'm a pretty laid back individual. So I'm not sure. I had a female roommate once who did something annoying to me and she asked my long time girlfriend if I was going to be mad at her.

My girlfriend thought for a minute and said, "Rafters doesn't get mad." 

I don't think it's low testosterone though. My wife would laugh at that possibility.


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## Wiltshireman

Rafters said:


> My girlfriend thought for a minute and said, "Rafters doesn't get mad."


Don't get MAD get EVEN.


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## treyvion

marko said:


> I agree, I have worked with some women that do that very thing. some see it as a way to conquer over another woman, some see it as a challenge to "break" the man to see if he should be in a relationship and some do it because they know the man will not be a long term commitment for them.
> 
> there are a few sad men out there as well that aim for married ladies but it is pretty well just because they know there are some in sad marriages and want a one night fling with a cougar.
> 
> pretty sad state of affairs when that is how you select a partner.


They might not be in a sad situation at all, it could be a good situation and the cheater is taking it for granted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978

I think it really boils down to how the two genders are conditioned to release and express anger. If a woman in an office was to just unload, she would be branded as being a bi___ but a man is just viewed as being a hot head. Men tend to not factor in the myriad of social and personal implications that come with expressing one's anger. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to take everybody into account. This shows itself in how they indirectly show it.


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## okeydokie

Let's see

She is a hoarder
She has unchecked health issues that negatively impact all of us
She de-prioritizes us
She can't complete anything 
She is sexually boring
She is a task master with the kids
She is a hypocrite

I feel cheated


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