# Please tell me this marriage is salvageable



## legiox

I'm 29 years old. My wife (who moved out last week) is 26 years old. We moved to a College town, b/c me and my wife both wanted to save money on gas from commute to college back to house. And this is where i think the problems came to play.....

For starters, she got a job at a restaurant while going to school. Throughout this time she met and developed small friendships (nothing major) with people she works with. The problem is about 99.9% of these people are single and She would be invited to go out and i thought it was ok. 

Long story short, she gets irritated with me when i ask her when she will be home on a girls night out. Nothing obsessive, but i would like to know. She would sometimes call me her Dad, b/c i ask her some questions. I'm just trying to make sure if anything happens i might know where she is at. Right? 

Anyways I'm a LEO and work odd hours. One time she asked me what time i would be home and i said 12am. I asked her when will she be home, and she told me before i get home. So i thought she would be home at the latest 12am right? Well i roll up in parking lot after work and dont see her car. I wait until 12:30 am to call and ask her where she is. She told me she wasnt ready to come home yet (staying at a married friends house). Long story short she thought i was being obsessive with calling her wanting her home, when truthfully i was worried what happen and called to check up on her. 

Now she left last week and told me she was unhappy. "Loves me but not in Love with me." She said the probability of us getting back together are slim, but did agree to go to marriage counseling this coming tues. Now to be fair ill give you my problems

I like to game alot (i really think its an addiction). Sometimes i would stay on a good while and forget about the time. I'm trying to better myself about it and willing to go to counseling b/c of it. 

I also need to help around the house more, which im getting better at, but she left before i could show her the progress i was making. Does this justify leaving? She says she is unhappy, but im also unhappy with that way she is living. I feel im married to a wife who wants to be single. Granted i have my problems, but I really don't consider this something to leave me for. Help is all i need on some of the problems i have. 

I'm hoping she will come back, but the friends she has made in this town i fear influence her way to much. She told me she made a pros/cons list and the cons outweigh the pros. 

Is there any help in the future?

Oh she did get a DWI about 2 years ago which i forgave her, but it hurt me alot and never forgot about it. Considering the line of work i do.


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## GetTough

legiox said:


> I'm 29 years old. My wife (who moved out last week) is 26 years old. We moved to a College town, b/c me and my wife both wanted to save money on gas from commute to college back to house. And this is where i think the problems came to play.....
> 
> For starters, she got a job at a restaurant while going to school. Throughout this time she met and developed small friendships (nothing major) with people she works with. The problem is about 99.9% of these people are single and She would be invited to go out and i thought it was ok.
> 
> Long story short, she gets irritated with me when i ask her when she will be home on a girls night out. Nothing obsessive, but i would like to know. She would sometimes call me her Dad, b/c i ask her some questions. I'm just trying to make sure if anything happens i might know where she is at. Right?
> 
> Anyways I'm a LEO and work odd hours. One time she asked me what time i would be home and i said 12am. I asked her when will she be home, and she told me before i get home. So i thought she would be home at the latest 12am right? Well i roll up in parking lot after work and dont see her car. I wait until 12:30 am to call and ask her where she is. She told me she wasnt ready to come home yet (staying at a married friends house). Long story short she thought i was being obsessive with calling her wanting her home, when truthfully i was worried what happen and called to check up on her.
> 
> Now she left last week and told me she was unhappy. "Loves me but not in Love with me." She said the probability of us getting back together are slim, but did agree to go to marriage counseling this coming tues. Now to be fair ill give you my problems
> 
> I like to game alot (i really think its an addiction). Sometimes i would stay on a good while and forget about the time. I'm trying to better myself about it and willing to go to counseling b/c of it.
> 
> I also need to help around the house more, which im getting better at, but she left before i could show her the progress i was making. Does this justify leaving? She says she is unhappy, but im also unhappy with that way she is living. I feel im married to a wife who wants to be single. Granted i have my problems, but I really don't consider this something to leave me for. Help is all i need on some of the problems i have.
> 
> I'm hoping she will come back, but the friends she has made in this town i fear influence her way to much. She told me she made a pros/cons list and the cons outweigh the pros.
> 
> Is there any help in the future?
> 
> Oh she did get a DWI about 2 years ago which i forgave her, but it hurt me alot and never forgot about it. Considering the line of work i do.


She's checked out. Read the 180. Do that if she's not making a good faith effort on the counseling.


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## Juicer

She is checking out, and wants out to experience the world (she does seem young, so this wouldn't surprise me) before she settles down for married life. That is why I am not a big fan of marrying before 28. People seem to think they need to get and see the world when they are young (and do stupid and promiscous things then) then they 'become' responsible and get married. 

Or she could be having an affair. There are a few signs that she is having one. GNO, staying out late, not answering her phone...All are big signs of she is sleeping around on you. 

And if she is having an affair, she is in love with the OM. When she married you, she thought you were her soul mate. Then she get this OM, and she is in love with him because of all the emotions, hormones, and things that get involed with women when they do something like this. 
So she is 'madly' in love with this guy (or until the sh!t hits the fan, and she realizes what she is doing) and thinks she married the wrong person. This OM is her soul mate! So she is conflicted, and thinking of what to do. 

But let's just hope she is checking out. 
But you may want to start making sure she is where she says she is, and making sure she is with who she says she is with...


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## Too Little Too Late?

If you really want to save your marriage. Work your ass of in therapy. Don't go in there with any anger or malice. Figure out what the real issues are and tell her what you are willing to do to change. I made the mistake of not dealing with my issues before we went into therapy and it was a disaster. It was a power struggle that no one could win..thus she said she wanted a divorce. Take the fact that she is willing to go to therapy as a great sign that she is willing to work things out. In therapy talk about you and you only. Point no fingers and own everything you have ever done to put your marriage in jeopardy. Hopefully she will be surprised at your honesty and at you willingness to change. 

Good Luck.


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## legiox

It's hard right now. My friends took me to see a movie and all i could think about was the marriage. I know i messed up in some areas, but does that really go to the level of her walking out on me? I was totally faithful to her. 

I know i have issues, but so does she. And I'm really getting the feeling that everybody (but my friends) are putting me off as the bad guy.......She got a DWI and told me to never tell her parents (b/c she was to ashamed to). I never did and they still don't know to this day. 

I have a feeling her friends (most single) talked her into this.


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## TBT

Your M is salvageable from my perspective as long as you're aware of everything that led to your wife leaving.Btw,where did she go when she left? You detached with gaming and she detached with GNO's and friends,but MC can help with that as long as you're both willing to put in an honest effort.Sorry for your situation and wish you the best as you try to sort it out.


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## GetTough

legiox said:


> It's hard right now. My friends took me to see a movie and all i could think about was the marriage. I know i messed up in some areas, but does that really go to the level of her walking out on me? I was totally faithful to her.
> 
> I know i have issues, but so does she. And I'm really getting the feeling that everybody (but my friends) are putting me off as the bad guy.......She got a DWI and told me to never tell her parents (b/c she was to ashamed to). I never did and they still don't know to this day.
> 
> I have a feeling her friends (most single) talked her into this.


Everything you say may be true. But guess what? SHE DOESN'T CARE. No amount of rationalizing with her, begging, pleading, negotiating, showing her she's wrong, is going to make her feel attracted to you. If you repeat any of what you've said here to her, it will just alienate her further. What CAN change that feeling in her is her feeling like SHE'S LOSING A GREAT GUY. So you have to 1) Distance yourself and 2) Become that great guy. That means work on yourself (e.g. your game addiction), and do the 180 if you believe she is not fully committed to repairing the marriage. Her heart has to be in trying. She has to want you, or its over. To make her feel like she wants you, she's got to feel like she's losing a great guy. This is NOT something you can persuade her with with words. It has to be pure action. Detachment. Strength.


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## legiox

I hope and pray it will work out. I don't want to be another statistic. I told myself i would never get a divorce and now look at me. Right where I said I would never be.


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