# Separation / Divorce - I am have no idea what is going on right now please help!



## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

I have another post in reconciliation of what actually was happening - but it was such a small blurb over the course of 6 months that I don't think it really showed the full picture of what was happening. 

My wife of 2.5 years (8 years together) moved back into her parents house over Memorial Day weekend - she didn't know if she still wanted to be married or not anymore. We both have done things wrong in the past 6 months, but I started it. I have actual remorse what I've done and never entered physical cheating on my wife. My wife in return has done the same thing to me, talking to another guy - flirting away and texting him all the time even though I said its not ok. She was going around not wearing a ring, pretending to be single and keeping me off her social media recently to maintain that single/seperated image. I was not ok with it and it caused a ton of fighting. 

So, my wife has moved out - pre move out, her mother called me (very close with her family) asking how I was feeling and what's going on. I told her everything, apologized for my past and talked about what my wife was doing. She agreed that it was not okay, and that when my wife would come to talk to her, she was going to pry in and see what's going on. 

The entire reason for moving out was that she needed space to see what she wanted to do with her life. This is key to the entire situation as she has given ZERO space. She texts me almost everyday, and when I don't answer she sends remarks like "good talk" and what not. I have stayed my ground and not started any conversations, I let her start any conversation via text. Now below are details of what's going on:

A few days after the move out, my wife and I have concert tickets, she asked me to still come so I went. We actually had a great time, at the end of the night she dropped me off we hugged and she went home to her parents, later she texted me about talking to her mom about this guy, saying she was pissed - I think this was due to the fact she knew she was wrong but refuses to accept fault in anything. I apologized but said it was her mother who asked me so I was just honest with her. 

That Saturday (now 1 week post move) my wife asked to come over and see our cats and hang out with them, it was awkward at first as we small talked, then she said about the mother thing again and that she wanted to move on with her life and was looking at apartments and wanted a divorce - she wanted me to buy her out of the home, and that we didn't need lawyers involved because we don't want to actually hurt each other. It was hard, we talked for like 2 hours about stuff after that and we ended on a very high note (away from divorce, telling me to prove change) - we went to lunch, came back and watched a movie until she left again. The next day - we did not talk at all, she went to a big family party for my godson, and I did not attend (was not asked to go). 

That Monday, she asked me if she could come over and hangout with me and the cats again and do some gardening (she doesn't even live her i don't know why she cares anymore) - I said that was fine. I was very short with her most of the time, hoping she would leave. Eventually she asked if I wanted to get dinner, which I already had steaks ready, so I told her we can just cook dinner and hangout. We did and had a great time, went to get ice cream and then watched a movie. When it was time for her to leave, I went upstairs to see what her reaction would be and make my bed (not for her to sleep over) - she followed me up and wanted a hug, I hugged her very tight and she did the same and then made a comment "stop making me sad, giving me puppy dog eyes Ill be back" and then hugged me again and asked for a kiss (what?). Fast forward to yesterday, she randomly shows up at the house to get "a package" that was delivered (vitamins or something like that) - she was forcing conversations with me and at the end before she left, came up to give me a hug, I didn't want to do it (trying to hold my ground) but gave her one. She asked to borrow my truck today, so I told her she could and this morning she came over - I put the keys by the door and went to the basement to do laundry, she walked all over the house looking for me to just small talk me. She also made a weird comment about me liking a girls photos on social media, there being half eaten salsa ion the fridge (who you eating salsa with, who you having over?) that was from a girls night she did before move out. Also, she has made comments about how I turned our cameras off (didn't want her watching me which she was) and that I took down some photos of us in the house after she asked for a divorce because I didn't want to stare at them - claiming I am erasing her from the house like she isn't here anymore (which she isn't).

The point of this post is I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. I truly love my wife more then anything and want to fix our marriage, but she is like all over the place. My concern is that she just misses the home, the benefits of being married to me financially (I made her start paying her bills, car, phone, etc and she is broke) but wants to court with other men and pretend she's single. Or, is this all just a ploy to show me she can get another man and make me try harder? I am meeting with her dad on Monday to have a beer and talk so maybe I will try to figure something out. What are your thoughts? Does she want to make it work or not?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I have another post in reconciliation of what actually was happening - but it was such a small blurb over the course of 6 months that I don't think it really showed the full picture of what was happening.
> 
> My wife of 2.5 years (8 years together) moved back into her parents house over Memorial Day weekend - she didn't know if she still wanted to be married or not anymore. We both have done things wrong in the past 6 months, but I started it. I have actual remorse what I've done and never entered physical cheating on my wife. My wife in return has done the same thing to me, talking to another guy - flirting away and texting him all the time even though I said its not ok. She was going around not wearing a ring, pretending to be single and keeping me off her social media recently to maintain that single/seperated image. I was not ok with it and it caused a ton of fighting.
> 
> ...


Your wife is a cake-eater.

She wants to play with her new bf and keep you on the back burner for when she needs some $$.
Or if she decides to make it real with bf#1 (or 2,3,4...) then she'll kick you to the curb.

If you're good with being plan B and having your life on hold while she plays the field, then fine.

Otherwise cut all this contact out and let her feel the consequences of divorce.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I have another post in reconciliation of what actually was happening - but it was such a small blurb over the course of 6 months that I don't think it really showed the full picture of what was happening.
> 
> My wife of 2.5 years (8 years together) moved back into her parents house over Memorial Day weekend - she didn't know if she still wanted to be married or not anymore. We both have done things wrong in the past 6 months, but I started it. I have actual remorse what I've done and never entered physical cheating on my wife. My wife in return has done the same thing to me, talking to another guy - flirting away and texting him all the time even though I said its not ok. She was going around not wearing a ring, pretending to be single and keeping me off her social media recently to maintain that single/seperated image. I was not ok with it and it caused a ton of fighting.
> 
> ...


You need to set her straight. Either it is over and you need to go full no contact or you both go all in on repairing the marriage. The limbo in between is just a self imposed hell. Don't let her drag you into that.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Forgot to add - she hasn't deleted me completely off her social media- her last name is still our name, she still does show she is married to me and has photos of us still out there - she does however, now have photos with no wedding ring on. Also, she at one point was taking her ring off at bars


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Forgot to add - she hasn't deleted me completely off her social media- her last name is still our name, she still does show she is married to me and has photos of us still out there - she does however, now have photos with no wedding ring on. Also, she at one point was taking her ring off at bars


Sounds like she wants to move on, but wants to string you along at the same time.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> The point of this post is I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. I truly love my wife more then anything and want to fix our marriage, but she is like all over the place. My concern is that she just misses the home, the benefits of being married to me financially (I made her start paying her bills, car, phone, etc and she is broke) but wants to court with other men and pretend she's single. Or, is this all just a ploy to show me she can get another man and make me try harder? I am meeting with her dad on Monday to have a beer and talk so maybe I will try to figure something out. What are your thoughts? Does she want to make it work or not?


NO. She does NOT want to make it work. She wants to use you, that's all. 

The ONLY chance you have to win her back (and you shouldn't even want to, but that's another discussion), is if you back off from her all the way, and give her what she said she wants -- NO YOU. Let her have the consequences of her choices, and don't give her all the benefits of a relationship with you when she doesn't care about YOU at all.

Call a lawyer TODAY and start arranging for a divorce. Start the process of buying her out of the house too. Keep the cameras turned off, and start going out with women, even just as friends. If she asks questions, don't answer anything except to tell her you are moving on too, just like SHE wants you to. Tell her your love and protection are only for the woman who wants to commit to you and love only you back, and that's not who she wants to be anymore.

If you do those things and it pushes her away, then she wasn't going to come back anyway.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are Plan B in case she can’t manage to upgrade to Plan A. Don’t let that happen.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

So tonight when she brings my truck back, do I sit down with her and talk to her? What do I even say? Or do I just totally back off and see how it plays out? I can't keep having her come here - but she makes a point to say its still her house to and a lot of her stuff is still here, when she moved out she left everything but her clothes (and she didn't even take all of them)


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> So tonight when she brings my truck back, do I sit down with her and talk to her? What do I even say? Or do I just totally back off and see how it plays out? I can't keep having her come here - but she makes a point to say its still her house to and a lot of her stuff is still here, when she moved out she left everything but her clothes (and she didn't even take all of them)


I think you need to tell her that if space is what she/you need, then this kind of contact has to stop. You can't have space AND stay in constant contact.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why can’t she drop off the truck while your gone?

you need to tell her you will be gone and to leave the key after bringing the truck back.

or simply tell her it’s over and drop the key in the mail slot.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Dude, as many have pointed out, she is a cake eater and you are the cake. She is keeping her hooks in you for fall back plan, known as plan B. yes you talk with her. Explain that you are taking the next step in your life, that is without her, (what she wanted) and the best for both of you is to limit contact. No more calling you, no more texting you, needs her stuff out of the house? She can come get it WHEN YOU ARE NOT AT HOME. Or better yet you will put it all in the garage for her to get. Get a backbone Dude! Dont be rude or obnoxious, but honestly for you both to move forward you need to do it without the other person. Smile nice, say goodby and mean it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> So tonight when she brings my truck back, do I sit down with her and talk to her? What do I even say? Or do I just totally back off and see how it plays out? I can't keep having her come here - but she makes a point to say its still her house to and a lot of her stuff is still here, when she moved out she left everything but her clothes (and she didn't even take all of them)


When she comes tonight tell her it's done. You're done. All contact has to stop and she should only contact your lawyer if she wants anything. For anything else, she can talk to her bf.

If she wants to fight about the house tell her to get a lawyer and he can call yours.
Most likely you can't keep her out of the house but you don't have to make it easy. She left you, remember? Abandonment could come into play here.

Get angry (non-violently!) and let that drive you to do the next things that are best for you.

Talk to your lawyer TODAY!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you sniffed around another woman, then your wife started sniffing elsewhere .

How did your wife find out a out about your other woman? Did you get caught? Did you confess? How did you cut that off?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Forgot to add - she hasn't deleted me completely off her social media- her last name is still our name, she still does show she is married to me and has photos of us still out there - she does however, now have photos with no wedding ring on. Also, she at one point was taking her ring off at bars


You know what happens in bars when a women takes off her wedding ring? Yes, ONSs (Lots of it)
Your wife is a cake eater, she wants to test drive other men, then if she doesn't find someone who will commit or connect with her she will come back to you BUT dripping from another man's seed, that's why she wants to keep a leash on you, don't let this happen?

What you need to do is this:

Tell her is a good idea to get space from each other, so no contact!
File for divorce.
Disable the camera or change its password to remove her from accessing it.
The problem with your wife is that she is looking at her marriage like boyfriend/girlfriend but with papers, it's not, it's way WAY more than that, and you @MarriedLovingSaved need to understand the gravity of her actions, she is your wife (a married woman), her pulling out her wedding ring and going to bars means the end, because when a women does that it means she is ready to give her womb to someone else to plant their seed (Think about this)!
To her there is no value or weight to her marriage vows!

Do you know what your wife is thinking when she is giving you all those hugs and kisses? In her mind she is saying let me keep this chump poppy happy and hooked until I figure out if i can exit (Monkey Branch) to another man!
Why do you think she wants to find her own place? it's safer and better to hook up with other men without you or her family know!

Your wife, the one who took marriage vows is playing the field now, and doesn't know if she will succeed, hence why she is keeping you on a leash!
Again, once a married woman takes of her ring and goes to bars it's over, unless you are Okey with sloppy seconds!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Interesting that nobody is addressing the fact that he actually sniffed elsewhere first, as if those circumstances couldn't possibly have anything to do with where they are now.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting that nobody is addressing the fact that he actually sniffed elsewhere first, as if those circumstances couldn't possibly have anything to do with where they are now.


What I did was online, not with anyone physically in person or even through text/calling or email. I did sexting on reddit and I was caught, paid for actions and learned from it. I have apologized and shown growth from it but I don't think she ever looked at me the same way.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting that nobody is addressing the fact that he actually sniffed elsewhere first, as if those circumstances couldn't possibly have anything to do with where they are now.


What difference does that make at this point if they are divorcing? His other thread mentions that he is worried about her having sex with a specific guy. Is there an issue with him sleeping with someone else? 

In any case, OP needs to stop interacting with her-- dinner, movies, ice cream, hanging out with her and the cats? Do not do that. Tell her to get her stuff out so she doesnt have reasons to stop by constantly, and change the locks.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> So tonight when she brings my truck back, do I sit down with her and talk to her? What do I even say? Or do I just totally back off and see how it plays out? I can't keep having her come here - but she makes a point to say its still her house to and a lot of her stuff is still here, when she moved out she left everything but her clothes (and she didn't even take all of them)


Holy **** dude, stop being so weak and pathetic. 
She’s not in love with you, she’s not committed to you, she wants other men but still wants to keep you in the background as a back up plan. Stop allowing this. 
You do realize that women almost never leave a marriage/LTR unless they’ve already started a new one with someone else. Understand that she’s probably already sleeping with another man/men. 

What do you tell her?
You tell her that if she doesn’t want to be your wife anymore than you will be proceeding with the divorce as quickly as possible and that you will cut ties and go your separate ways. 
She doesn’t get to leave you and still maintain contact with you and enjoy favors or the comfort of your company.
She’s either 100% in or 100% out. 
And if she’s not 100% in (which she’s clearly not), than you have no choice but to put her 100% out.

You look out for your own well-being and start behaving like a man with self-respect, dignity and confidence.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, stop the pathetic, fear induced desperation to try to salvage something that is gone.
> 
> Regain your sense of reality, self respect and whatever dignity you have and put your big boy pants on.
> 
> ...


Dude, do you think that by opening another post in another forum will get you what you want to hear? You are still hopelessly in "hopium". My above statement was posted in your other post. re-read it, and get through your head that what you are seeking most likely is gone and is not going to come back. Please, grow a pair. If she comes back you can take it from there, but if she's not (the most likely scenario) then, be freaking ready for god's sake. Stop interacting with her, just stop. She's ****ing with you, and you are pathetically letting her to royally **** you, until she finds your replacement, then you won't hear from her anymore, nor she coming to ask to hang out, and get some hugs. CUT THAT OUT, IMMEDIATELY. Have some self respect and dignity.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting that nobody is addressing the fact that he actually sniffed elsewhere first, as if those circumstances couldn't possibly have anything to do with where they are now.


Doesn’t matter at this point.
1. She has taken things way beyond what he ever did.
2. If she can’t get over what he did, that’s fine, then she should leave and divorce. As she has.

But he should not allow her to string him along as plan-b, or maintain a “friendship” where is she still gets some of the benefits and comfort of the marriage/relationship with him, while pursuing other men.

The point is, if she wants other men and if she wants out of the marriage - then it’s 100% out. As it stands now, he’s being strung along and used.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> Holy **** dude, stop being so weak and pathetic.
> She’s not in love with you, she’s not committed to you, she wants other men but still wants to keep you in the background as a back up plan. Stop allowing this.
> You do realize that women almost never leave a marriage/LTR unless they’ve already started a new one with someone else. Understand that she’s probably already sleeping with another man/men.
> 
> ...


And keep your Cats @MarriedLovingSaved!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting that nobody is addressing the fact that he actually sniffed elsewhere first, as if those circumstances couldn't possibly have anything to do with where they are now.


He addressed it enough to explain in his early posts, and no one has cut him any slack on it (and he is paying the consequences), but his wife had a totally different reaction to getting caught -- she wants to continue seeing other men and says she wants a divorce...but then is still trying to keep the OP connected to her, just to use him. No matter what he's done, he doesn't deserve to be strung along and used for money and security when his wife wants to be with other men now.

SHE needs her consequences, just like HE is getting his now.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Alright tonight I am confronting her on everything, I am going to ask her if she is 100% in on making this work and that we are separated only for this to work or 100% out - if she says i don't know I am considering her 100% and will file for divorce - I have all the paperwork already done, and have contacted a lawyer, however would go mediator. She is going to want to speed the divorce up because she wants my cash for the buyout so she can go get her life together, so I intend to milk it out a little bit - maybe 4-5 months (legally have to separated in my state for 6 months she wanted to lie and say we have been but Im not lying to court). I am almost 100% certain she is going to say i don't know tonight and I am going to have to end the marriage after that. I will not be a 2nd option


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Alright tonight I am confronting her on everything, I am going to ask her if she is 100% in on making this work and that we are separated only for this to work or 100% out - if she says i don't know I am considering her 100% and will file for divorce - I have all the paperwork already done, and have contacted a lawyer, however would go mediator. She is going to want to speed the divorce up because she wants my cash for the buyout so she can go get her life together, so I intend to milk it out a little bit - maybe 4-5 months (legally have to separated in my state for 6 months she wanted to lie and say we have been but Im not lying to court). I am almost 100% certain she is going to say i don't know tonight and I am going to have to end the marriage after that. I will not be a 2nd option


When you tell her..... MEAN IT! As for the length of time, I would be inclined to do whatever it takes to speed it up. Would not lie, but seriously think of when the split actually started. But that's me. I divorced in just over 100 days after a 30 year marriage, and I didnt want to get divorced! But knew it was best, so lets get after it.

Hang in there. Be firm. Or you will continue to live this day after day


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Alright tonight I am confronting her on everything, I am going to ask her if she is 100% in on making this work and that we are separated only for this to work or 100% out - if she says i don't know I am considering her 100% and will file for divorce - I have all the paperwork already done, and have contacted a lawyer, however would go mediator. She is going to want to speed the divorce up because she wants my cash for the buyout so she can go get her life together, so I intend to milk it out a little bit - maybe 4-5 months (legally have to separated in my state for 6 months she wanted to lie and say we have been but Im not lying to court). I am almost 100% certain she is going to say i don't know tonight and I am going to have to end the marriage after that. I will not be a 2nd option


Why are you confronting her again? She is just going to rope you into some stupid conversation. Just file and quit talking to her.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Alright tonight I am confronting her on everything, I am going to ask her if she is 100% in on making this work and that we are separated only for this to work or 100% out - if she says i don't know I am considering her 100% and will file for divorce - I have all the paperwork already done, and have contacted a lawyer, however would go mediator. She is going to want to speed the divorce up because she wants my cash for the buyout so she can go get her life together, so I intend to milk it out a little bit - maybe 4-5 months (legally have to separated in my state for 6 months she wanted to lie and say we have been but Im not lying to court). I am almost 100% certain she is going to say i don't know tonight and I am going to have to end the marriage after that. I will not be a 2nd option


You can ask her whatever you like the answer you will get will be what you want to hear / what she thinks you want to hear and *nothing will change.*

Your wife is toying with you and stalling. Confrontation will get you nothing except possibly jailed if she is devious enough to pursue false allegations against you. This should be in your mind because many dudes in your place have been blindsided just this way and thrown out of their own home with no proof save for the woman's false account of the events.

You have all the paperwork done. Excellent! Then file because all she will do is waffle and stall. Stick to your lawyer and avoid mediation. There is no fast and easy escape in divorce. Ask your lawyer what preventative steps you should take going forward.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Alright tonight I am confronting her on everything, I am going to ask her if she is 100% in on making this work and that we are separated only for this to work or 100% out - if she says i don't know I am considering her 100% and will file for divorce - I have all the paperwork already done, and have contacted a lawyer, however would go mediator. She is going to want to speed the divorce up because she wants my cash for the buyout so she can go get her life together, so I intend to milk it out a little bit - maybe 4-5 months (legally have to separated in my state for 6 months she wanted to lie and say we have been but Im not lying to court). I am almost 100% certain she is going to say i don't know tonight and I am going to have to end the marriage after that. I will not be a 2nd option


Important - In the unlikely event that she does agree to recommit 100% to your marriage:
1. The separation ends immediately
2. She cuts all contact with other men immediately
These points are not negotiable and there is no compromise.

Do not allow the separation to continue, period. A separation is only a way to try out other man/men and ease into a divorce at her convenience.
If she is committed to working on your marriage, she/you can do it at home, as your wife. 
If she insists on continuing the separation, she’s not all in.
If she insists on communicating with other men, she’s not all in.
File for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

marko polo said:


> You can ask her whatever you like the answer you will get will be what you want to hear / what she thinks you want to hear and *nothing will change.*
> 
> Your wife is toying with you and stalling. Confrontation will get you nothing except possibly jailed if she is devious enough to pursue false allegations against you. This should be in your mind because many dudes in your place have been blindsided just this way and thrown out of their own home with no proof save for the woman's false account of the events.
> 
> You have all the paperwork done. Excellent! Then file because all she will do is waffle and stall. Stick to your lawyer and avoid mediation. There is no fast and easy escape in divorce. Ask your lawyer what preventative steps you should take going forward.



@MarriedLovingSaved, I completely agree with @marko polo here. Confronting and asking will take you no where, and get you more of the same. That's my prediction. Filling and serving her the divorce papers could have a better outcome for you due to shock value (if any) for her. If that doesn't deter her, then, you got your answers.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> What I did was online, not with anyone physically in person or even through text/calling or email. I did sexting on reddit and I was caught, paid for actions and learned from it. I have apologized and shown growth from it but I don't think she ever looked at me the same way.


So you played online slap-and-tickle with another woman. What I'm getting from ^^this^^ is you think that because you didn't actually screw another woman, it's not all that bad. Apparently your wife doesn't agree with your POV. And my guess is your apology and "growth" wasn't enough for your wife. I don't know how you "paid" for your poor judgment, but I guess it wasn't enough for your wife.

ETA: Your wife may be taking her unforgiving stance as a means to justify her behavior. So she wants to figure out WHAT she wants to do with her life. Yeah, right. More like she wants to figure out WHO she wants to do. Time to pay a visit to an attorney .... JMO.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting that nobody is addressing the fact that he actually sniffed elsewhere first, as if those circumstances couldn't possibly have anything to do with where they are now.


OK, OK!

I will back you up, *Martian*!

Her actions are pure payback, she wants you to sweat, losing her.
She wants you to see her flirting around, sniffing around.
See it, till it hurts!


She has a lot of resentment toward you and it shows in spades.

If you got on your knees, saying how sorry you are, and begged her to return, I bet she would.

That is not you, that is not your intention, so lick your wounds and take the loss.

Get divorced, you earned it.

Yes, she is acting like a jerk, in the meantime.

She likes pulling on your chain, keeping you off-balance and flustered.

Stop the interactions.



_Are Dee-_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

uwe.blab said:


> What difference does that make at this point if they are divorcing? His other thread mentions that he is worried about her having sex with a specific guy. Is there an issue with him sleeping with someone else?
> 
> In any case, OP needs to stop interacting with her-- dinner, movies, ice cream, hanging out with her and the cats? Do not do that. Tell her to get her stuff out so she doesnt have reasons to stop by constantly, and change the locks.


Nothing if they are divorcing. But it seems he doesn't a divorce and it's not clear how they dealt with his sexting. He claims he apologized but says she hasn't looked at him the same which tells me it really wasn't dealt with. So he's actually the one that broke this and it seems odd to me that he's bring treated as the victim here when he's at least partly respiratory for this.

Understanding that may help him address it with her. But if his attitude is **** her, file for divorce then no, it doesn't matter.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nothing if they are divorcing. But it seems he doesn't a divorce and it's not clear how they dealt with his sexting. He claims he apologized but says she hasn't looked at him the same which tells me it really wasn't dealt with. So he's actually the one that broke this and it seems odd to me that he's bring treated as the victim here when he's at least partly respiratory for this.
> 
> Understanding that may help him address it with her. But if his attitude is **** her, file for divorce then no, it doesn't matter.


I've apologized 1000x and took responsibility for what I - I attended therapy sessions to try and help, talked to her entire family and came forward for owning what I did - apologized to her parents, her sisters and her best friend. I deleted all apps related to it, and have never looked back since. Tried to focus more on the now then the past and even told her I can't change the past but I can ensure it never happens again.

Im not innocent in anything - I took responsibility for my actions. She has not. She has deflected everything, stating this person is just a friend and has not told a single person otherwise - I know he's not. She thinks she's god gift and has done nothing wrong.

Deep down, do I want to save my marriage? Yes I do, I love my wife BUT I will not let her walk all over me and go out with other guys while were still legally married. If she's not in it 100% then I am out and moving on with my life. We are both young and will find others. I think she's torn - hence why she won't give me any freaking space, even though she's the old who asked for space to begin with.I finally just stopped texting her and she stopped to during the day - but that turns into her showing up here - when she's the one who moved the **** out


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me the choice I would give would be either you come back and stop all contact with other men, OR we cut off all contact unless it's about the divorce and end the marriage.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> So tonight when she brings my truck back, do I sit down with her and talk to her? What do I even say? Or do I just totally back off and see how it plays out? I can't keep having her come here - but she makes a point to say its still her house to and a lot of her stuff is still here, when she moved out she left everything but her clothes (and she didn't even take all of them)


What do you say? you point to the door and "don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya". bye felicia.... 

and then grow a pair, learn off this relationship and get yourself right and you'll be fine.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I've apologized 1000x and took responsibility for what I - I attended therapy sessions to try and help, talked to her entire family and came forward for owning what I did - apologized to her parents, her sisters and her best friend. I deleted all apps related to it, and have never looked back since. Tried to focus more on the now then the past and even told her I can't change the past but I can ensure it never happens again.
> 
> Im not innocent in anything - I took responsibility for my actions. She has not. She has deflected everything, stating this person is just a friend and has not told a single person otherwise - I know he's not. She thinks she's god gift and has done nothing wrong.
> 
> Deep down, do I want to save my marriage? Yes I do, I love my wife BUT I will not let her walk all over me and go out with other guys while were still legally married. If she's not in it 100% then I am out and moving on with my life. We are both young and will find others. I think she's torn - hence why she won't give me any freaking space, even though she's the old who asked for space to begin with.I finally just stopped texting her and she stopped to during the day - but that turns into her showing up here - when she's the one who moved the **** out


Just stick to your guns. Do not give up to some bs answer.

“I want one more day to think about it” - means she has a date tonight.

An no contact _at all_ with her bf is not negotiable.

Last point… when you talk tonight, believe that you are being played.
Because most likely you are.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You married a jerk. That's whats going on.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

You broke her trust in you when you decided to do sexting. She broke yours when she started looking elsewhere.

no reason to be together. Neither of you trust the other. I suggest you push the divorce forward.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> Why can’t she drop off the truck while your gone?
> 
> you need to tell her you will be gone and to leave the key after bringing the truck back.
> 
> or simply tell her it’s over and drop the key in the mail slot.


This.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Alright tonight I am confronting her on everything, I am going to ask her if she is 100% in on making this work and that we are separated only for this to work or 100% out - if she says i don't know I am considering her 100% and will file for divorce - I have all the paperwork already done, and have contacted a lawyer, however would go mediator. She is going to want to speed the divorce up because she wants my cash for the buyout so she can go get her life together, so I intend to milk it out a little bit - maybe 4-5 months (legally have to separated in my state for 6 months she wanted to lie and say we have been but Im not lying to court). I am almost 100% certain she is going to say i don't know tonight and I am going to have to end the marriage after that. I will not be a 2nd option


Too much talk. 

Talk less; do more. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@MarriedLovingSaved , I am amazed at the posters on here who seem to have (same as you OP) glossed over what you have done to set off these chain of events by your own admission
_We both have done things wrong in the past 6 months, *but I started it.* I have actual remorse what I've done and never entered physical cheating on my wife._
You have written a considerable amount about your wife's faults and current shenanigans but in a few words only mention what you have done. I looked briefly at your other post and note your *I got caught back in September sexting online with people and it devastated my wife. *So therein lies the problem. Don't come on here saying things like you don't know what is going on. That is ********, you know exactly what is happening. You blew up your marriage and now are blaming it all on your wife who could have a more mature response, i.e. work on the marriage or divorce your ass.

What did you do exactly to your wife?
How does your wife know that you did not actually physically cheat? Emotional cheating is equally as bad by the way.
How did you fix the problem? was the issue rug swept.
What steps did you take to show remorse? (saying you are remorseful means absolutely nothing unless you took concrete action).
Was there any counselling involved. Does your family kow what you did to start off the chain of events?
It appears to me you have* minimized *what you did (you are still minimising), now your wife is doing exactly the same to you you can write pages! Your wife is testing you and your boundaries to see if you will fight for her, if you will step up and be a man. I am not saying that what your wife is doing is right, but as you say you started it, now be a man and end it.
I don't think you are capable of being the man she needs until you take your head out of your ass and look at yourself first and ask yourself why you did what you did.
You both sound very young. Two wrongs do not make a right, so now it is time to suck it up and instead of pointing the finger, look at yourself and what you can do to be a better man and a leader. It is obvious your wife does not trust you at all and is seeing how far she can push you.
The current advice on here to kick her to the kerb etc is a load of BS cause none of it is set in the context of what was happening in your marriage. In addition, you are not being honest with yourself and all of us on here.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nothing if they are divorcing. But it seems he doesn't a divorce and it's not clear how they dealt with his sexting. He claims he apologized but says she hasn't looked at him the same which tells me it really wasn't dealt with. So he's actually the one that broke this and it seems odd to me that he's bring treated as the victim here when he's at least partly respiratory for this.
> 
> Understanding that may help him address it with her. But if his attitude is **** her, file for divorce then no, it doesn't matter.


Of course it wasn't dealt with, he can talk but what action was taken. As i posted elsewhare, he wrote a few words about his actions but pages about hers, tells me all I need to know. There is no accountability, saying you are remorseful, means nothing. She knows he is not. She is now doing to him what he did to her. An immature response but perfectly understandable.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

aine said:


> I am amazed at the posters on here who seem to have (same as you OP)


I don't think that anyone is ignoring or putting aside what he did. He explained it good enough at least to me and others in his other thread.

Regardless of what he did, the wife supposedly forgave, but not, she kept it inside her and she's doing it too now.

Bottom line, it doesn't really matter who did what first. What really matters is that BOTH of them have done wrong to destroy the relationship. But the main point right now is what she's trying to do and people rightly so are advising him not to take the disrespect, regardless.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> I don't think that anyone is ignoring or putting aside what he did. He explained it good enough at least to me and others in his other thread.
> 
> Regardless of what he did, the wife supposedly forgave, but not, she kept it inside her and she's doing it too now.
> 
> Bottom line, it doesn't really matter who did what first. What really matters is that BOTH of them have done wrong to destroy the relationship. But the main point right now is what she's trying to do and people rightly so are advising him not to take the disrespect, regardless.


I am not condoning OP's wife's behaviour at all, it is an immature response to pain (they are still young). I know he talked to her family and went to therapy, I think wife needed counselling also to deal with the pain and forgiveness. The issue was not properly dealt with and now this. OP needs to realise his wife has not got past what happened and this is why he is where he is now.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

aine said:


> The issue was not properly dealt with and now this.


Correct on this point. They did not deal with it correctly, and if they did, she obviously didn't get through it. Kept it inside, and now this. 

Bottom line now, he can't, nor should allow her to disrespect him. Better they part ways.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Everyone is correct - I am not brushing what I did under the rug. I was wrong and I own what I did. My details are short because that's literally all that happened - it was online sexting. She took it way further than me. Still no excuse is being thrown around

Today when she came over - I heard the door open, I was doing laundry in our bedroom, did not walk down hoping she would leave. About 5 mins passes and she is standing in the doorway saying "you didn't want to come say hi?" I was very short and just said Im doing laundry didn't hear you come in. She proceeded to talk me into going downstairs and I went down, it was extremely awkward - she sat at our island and was talking to me, I was very very short with her. She was asking about me getting a beer with her dad on Monday and what I was going to talk about and why I canceled last week on him. I just said bare minimum about how I needed to regroup mentally. About 20 mins later, I think she started to get the hint and was heading out. She was waiting for me to ask her for a hug, I did not ask for one. I could tell it upset her as she left. We are young, being very immature but I have to start standing ground and seeing where this goes. I also did set a lawyer appointment up to meet on Friday of next week to line up everything. I think she cracks before then and agrees to my terms. we will see. My wife regardless needs therapy - which she refuses


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Everyone is correct - I am not brushing what I did under the rug. I was wrong and I own what I did. My details are short because that's literally all that happened - it was online sexting. She took it way further than me. Still no excuse is being thrown around
> 
> Today when she came over - I heard the door open, I was doing laundry in our bedroom, did not walk down hoping she would leave. About 5 mins passes and she is standing in the doorway saying "you didn't want to come say hi?" I was very short and just said Im doing laundry didn't hear you come in. She proceeded to talk me into going downstairs and I went down, it was extremely awkward - she sat at our island and was talking to me, I was very very short with her. She was asking about me getting a beer with her dad on Monday and what I was going to talk about and why I canceled last week on him. I just said bare minimum about how I needed to regroup mentally. About 20 mins later, I think she started to get the hint and was heading out. She was waiting for me to ask her for a hug, I did not ask for one. I could tell it upset her as she left. We are young, being very immature but I have to start standing ground and seeing where this goes. I also did set a lawyer appointment up to meet on Friday of next week to line up everything. I think she cracks before then and agrees to my terms. we will see. My wife regardless needs therapy - which she refuses


If you don’t tell her you’re ending the marriage, and you stop talking or being around her then she will think you’re just mad and being mean but you’ll get over it. Her bf arms will be so much more cozy in that case.

Tell her. Then no contact. Maybe she cracks maybe she doesn’t.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Is she reeeeeally looking elsewhere and are you really sure you don’t know what’s going on?

It seems there are a few lies (you’re also trickle truthing us) and she wants a divorce and you really didn’t think she’d follow through. Seems pretty clear to me. I mean, cheaters usually often turn around when consequences happen and say, ‘they’re doing it too now!’.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Everyone is correct - I am not brushing what I did under the rug. I was wrong and I own what I did. My details are short because that's literally all that happened - it was online sexting. She took it way further than me. Still no excuse is being thrown around
> 
> Today when she came over - I heard the door open, I was doing laundry in our bedroom, did not walk down hoping she would leave. About 5 mins passes and she is standing in the doorway saying "you didn't want to come say hi?" I was very short and just said Im doing laundry didn't hear you come in. She proceeded to talk me into going downstairs and I went down, it was extremely awkward - she sat at our island and was talking to me, I was very very short with her. She was asking about me getting a beer with her dad on Monday and what I was going to talk about and why I canceled last week on him. I just said bare minimum about how I needed to regroup mentally. About 20 mins later, I think she started to get the hint and was heading out. She was waiting for me to ask her for a hug, I did not ask for one. I could tell it upset her as she left. We are young, being very immature but I have to start standing ground and seeing where this goes. I also did set a lawyer appointment up to meet on Friday of next week to line up everything. I think she cracks before then and agrees to my terms. we will see. My wife regardless needs therapy - which she refuses


You are both playing a game. She is pushing your boundaries, reaching out to you, pulling back, you are setting boundaries which is good but I think you both need to draw a line in the sand and say whether you want the marriage or not. You BOTH need therapy, not just her.
What do you mean by she took it away further than you. You said in another post that she also flirted and texted with someone, how is that away further than you? Your statement about your own actions '_that is literally all that happened_" is very telling, more minimization. It is not just all, it is everything! that blew up your young wife's world. You still don't get it it seems and I believe your lack of real remorse, yeah you can say you told everyone, yada yada yada but your wife will know real remorse and she hasn't seen it yet. 

Sad for her, she still loves you that is why she still hangs around like a puppy looking for something from you, but gets nothing. 

Perhaps you should take time apart, no contact and see what happens, both go for IC. Take 3 months and reassess if you want to be together. I get the feeling something was missing in you for you to cheat in the first place and that has not been resolved, she knows it and you are avoiding it. She wants you but wants to see if you will fight for the marriage, she is not going about it the right way and also wants to hurt you. Have you evidence of her doing anything other than flirting and texting? If not, then surely the same standard should apply, if that's literally all that happened?
She is testing you big time and you are stonewalling. Has there been any actual open communication about the past and expectations for the future or just game playing as is obvious from what you have posted. You are both almost 30, time to grow up and sit down and actually talk! Talk about your cheating, her cheating, whether you want to be together or not. Honesty and transparency is the way to go, no more cold shoulder and messing around. You are not kids anymore.

Ask you wife to come on here and let people advise her. Her approach is childish. She is obviously hurting but doesn't see enough action from you. Your hurt her badly only 6 months ago and expect things to move on. She tested you on how you would react is she did the same thing to you and well, she knows now exactly. Perhaps, it is better if you both move on and mature first. Then she can meet someone who will love and cherish her and not cheat on her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What do you think you communicated to her in this interaction?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

So should I have her over tonight to talk to her? I've made my intentions so clear that I want fix this marriage - but she kept telling me she wants space and doesn't know what she wants but then she isn't even giving me any space. Should I just sit down and talk about the future? I could ask her to get dinner with me - Im sure she would go


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You haven't said why you decided to sext online and blow up your marriage. Care to share?


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@MarriedLovingSaved

You were supposed to do this:



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Alright tonight I am confronting her on everything, I am going to ask her if she is 100% in on making this work and that we are separated only for this to work or 100% out - if she says i don't know I am considering her 100% and will file for divorce - I have all the paperwork already done, and have contacted a lawyer, however would go mediator. She is going to want to speed the divorce up because she wants my cash for the buyout so she can go get her life together, so I intend to milk it out a little bit - maybe 4-5 months (legally have to separated in my state for 6 months she wanted to lie and say we have been but Im not lying to court). I am almost 100% certain she is going to say i don't know tonight and I am going to have to end the marriage after that. I will not be a 2nd option


But you did this:



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Everyone is correct - I am not brushing what I did under the rug. I was wrong and I own what I did. My details are short because that's literally all that happened - it was online sexting. She took it way further than me. Still no excuse is being thrown around
> 
> Today when she came over - I heard the door open, I was doing laundry in our bedroom, did not walk down hoping she would leave. About 5 mins passes and she is standing in the doorway saying "you didn't want to come say hi?" I was very short and just said Im doing laundry didn't hear you come in. She proceeded to talk me into going downstairs and I went down, it was extremely awkward - she sat at our island and was talking to me, I was very very short with her. She was asking about me getting a beer with her dad on Monday and what I was going to talk about and why I canceled last week on him. I just said bare minimum about how I needed to regroup mentally. About 20 mins later, I think she started to get the hint and was heading out. She was waiting for me to ask her for a hug, I did not ask for one. I could tell it upset her as she left. We are young, being very immature but I have to start standing ground and seeing where this goes. I also did set a lawyer appointment up to meet on Friday of next week to line up everything. I think she cracks before then and agrees to my terms. we will see. My wife regardless needs therapy - which she refuses


_"I was very very short with her." _


You addressed her like a WUSS, and NOT like a man.
You did NOT confront her in the manner you said you would.
You are NOT putting your foot down and expressing your 'reconciliation terms' to her in calm, collected, clear and assertive tone.

Objective = Search For Balls
Initiation....
Processing....
Search Complete = Balls Not Found
Contemplating options....

You must define 'reconciliation terms' with boundaries for your marriage (which *both* you and your wife, are supposed to respect), and convey these terms to your wife in calm, collected, clear and assertive tone.

The reconciliation terms should be following:

1. Separation must end.
2. Absolute NO to cheating and contact with other men (and women).
3. Marriage Counseling.

You should explore following links for Marriage Counseling perspective:









The 10 Best Marriage Books for Couples of 2022


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www.verywellmind.com













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_"She was waiting for me to ask her for a hug, I did not ask for one. I could tell it upset her as she left. We are young, being very immature but I have to start standing ground and seeing where this goes."_

YES - you need to put your foot down and stop rewarding her cake-eating behavior.

You must insist on *ending separation* for reconciliation because it allows your wife to FISH for men and string you along without consequences for her cake-eating behavior.

You must NOT allow your wife to use your sexting history (very bad on your part by the way) and apologetic behavior:



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I've apologized 1000x and took responsibility for what I - I attended therapy sessions to try and help, talked to her entire family and came forward for owning what I did - apologized to her parents, her sisters and her best friend. I deleted all apps related to it, and have never looked back since. Tried to focus more on the now then the past and even told her I can't change the past but I can ensure it never happens again.
> 
> Im not innocent in anything - I took responsibility for my actions. She has not. She has deflected everything, stating this person is just a friend and has not told a single person otherwise - I know he's not. She thinks she's god gift and has done nothing wrong.


- as the carte blanche to do whatever she wants to do while treating you like PLAN B.

*IF* she does not accept your 'reconciliation terms' then you will have your answer, and you should be willing to divorce her.

Following in the nutshell:



DudeInProgress said:


> Important - In the unlikely event that she does agree to recommit 100% to your marriage:
> 1. The separation ends immediately
> 2. She cuts all contact with other men immediately
> These points are not negotiable and there is no compromise.
> ...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> So should I have her over tonight to talk to her? I've made my intentions so clear that I want fix this marriage - but she kept telling me she wants space and doesn't know what she wants but then she isn't even giving me any space. Should I just sit down and talk about the future? I could ask her to get dinner with me - Im sure she would go


NO. Don't "get together" with her anymore. You are allowing her to control you and everything about your marriage. That's how you are going to LOSE it. You have to take control and direct things the way you want them to go by giving her choices and consequences for them.

I would text or call ONLY to tell her what you expect from your wife and marriage, and if she says no, then tell her you will be moving forward with divorce, that you aren't going to have a wife who is looking for other men while married to you.

If she says you are too demanding and says go ahead with divorce, then there was NO hope because THAT is what she wanted to begin with and she was just trying to use you and the security you provide.

If she really loves you and if there is a chance that she might come back, setting those boundaries will bring her back.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

dude

she is dragging you along, you are a plan D or even E for her. she would like to ride other people while you pay for it.

stop all communication - stand up for yourself. 

what is doing with you is playing and abusing your emotions. have you ever dated before? 

all of these hugs and rolled eyes are known games to keep strings attached. 

you need to cut the strings and move forward. 

if you ever get back with her do you think she will not do it again down the road? 

listen to people who is looking at this without emotions being involved. she is still looking down on you and not thinking of you as a husband


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You need to set her straight. Either it is over and you need to go full no contact or you both go all in on repairing the marriage. The limbo in between is just a self imposed hell. Don't let her drag you into that.


I agree with this ^^^


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> So should I have her over tonight to talk to her? I've made my intentions so clear that I want fix this marriage - but she kept telling me she wants space and doesn't know what she wants but then she isn't even giving me any space. Should I just sit down and talk about the future? I could ask her to get dinner with me - Im sure she would go


You have already talked too much and done too little.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> So should I have her over tonight to talk to her? I've made my intentions so clear that I want fix this marriage - but she kept telling me she wants space and doesn't know what she wants but then she isn't even giving me any space. Should I just sit down and talk about the future? I could ask her to get dinner with me - Im sure she would go


She is totally lost, hurting and possibly angry and wants to hurt you, yet hangs around you. You need time to calm down, and think clearly (both of you) before making hasty decisions. Between the two of you, so immature. marriage is difficult, it is a committment, you will hurt each other., Infidelity is one of the worst things to experience. You have destroyed the old marriage, now time to see if you can both be mature enough to build a new one. Believe me, you divorce now you will take all of your respective immaturities, hangups, hurts, wounds, etc to the next relationship. Try to work it out now. If it does not work, at least you know you gave it your best shot.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> @MarriedLovingSaved
> 
> You were supposed to do this:
> 
> ...


I hear a lot about reconciliation terms here. However, I am just wondering how much terms were laid down when OP cheated first?
Being young the wife (and without TAM, counselling, etc) she probably did not know what terms to lay down. This was essentially rug swept. There is more to reconciliation after cheating than coming clean and telling her parents. There needs to be a period of reconstruction, time, discussing issues, triggers, etc. That is why she is floundering now, cause it is all still very raw, only 6 months ago she caught the love of her life sexting other people, not one but many. It can take 2-5 years to get past adultery and it really never goes away.
You do not say how you got caught. Did you trickle truth, did you come fully clean immediately. Did she suspect and confront you and you denied? Why did communication break down, did she try to reach out to you but because you were busy online with others, you treated her badly? It appears in the dance of the marriage, she is the one who reaches out (even now) you are the one who pulls back. If this is the way things were before she started giving you some of your own medicine, then there is a lot of work to do for her to feel safe. NONE of this appears to be addressed at all.
So how can you OP make demands for reconciliation when none of her concerns have been addressed? The bottom line is as far as she is concerned you are no longer emotionally safe for her. I suspect none of this has been addressed, hence the mess. Would I be right?


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

aine said:


> I hear a lot about reconciliation terms here. However, I am just wondering how much terms were laid down when OP cheated first?
> Being young the wife (and without TAM, counselling, etc) she probably did not know what terms to lay down. This was essentially rug swept. There is more to reconciliation after cheating than coming clean and telling her parents. There needs to be a period of reconstruction, time, discussing issues, triggers, etc. That is why she is floundering now, cause it is all still very raw, only 6 months ago she caught the love of her life sexting other people, not one but many. It can take 2-54 years to get past adultery and it really never goes away.
> You do not say how you got caught. Did you trickle truth, did you come fully clean immediately. Did she suspect and confront you and you denied? Why did communication break down, did she try to reach out to you but because you were busy online with others, you treated her badly? It appears in the dance of the marriage, she is the one who reaches out (even now) you are the one who pulls back. If this is the way things were before she started giving you some of your own medicine, then there is a lot of work to do for her to feel safe. NONE of this appears to be addressed at all.
> So how can you OP make demands for reconciliation when none of her concerns have been addressed? The bottom line is as far as she is concerned you are no longer emotionally safe for her. I suspect none of this has been addressed, hence the mess. Would I be right?


I believe in defining boundaries of a marriage early on. Some people do this. I did this. This is helpful.

I discovered TAM *before* my marriage; this forum provided me a lot of perspective *before* I had the opportunity to build my relationship. I knew better, chose better, and all is fine in my case.

Coming back to the husband in this case - he have definitely hurt his wife with his sexting behavior. I am not sure what got to him and why he chose to do this.

But refer back to following post:



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I've apologized 1000x and took responsibility for what I - I attended therapy sessions to try and help, talked to her entire family and came forward for owning what I did - apologized to her parents, her sisters and her best friend. I deleted all apps related to it, and have never looked back since. Tried to focus more on the now then the past and even told her I can't change the past but I can ensure it never happens again.
> 
> Im not innocent in anything - I took responsibility for my actions. She has not. She has deflected everything, stating this person is just a friend and has not told a single person otherwise - I know he's not. She thinks she's god gift and has done nothing wrong.
> 
> Deep down, do I want to save my marriage? Yes I do, I love my wife BUT I will not let her walk all over me and go out with other guys while were still legally married. If she's not in it 100% then I am out and moving on with my life. We are both young and will find others. I think she's torn - hence why she won't give me any freaking space, even though she's the old who asked for space to begin with.I finally just stopped texting her and she stopped to during the day - but that turns into her showing up here - when she's the one who moved the **** out


He have taken ownership for his sexting behavior and have apologized to his wife, to her family and to her best friend.

1st step towards addressing the issue.

He have taken therapy sessions.

2nd step towards addressing the issue.

Now what is his wife doing?

She have considered separation to figure things out, and is dating other men as well? Seriously? Her family and best friend are OK with this dynamic?

I would rather tell the husband to ditch this woman and move on.

*But* he wants to give reconciliation a shot, so there must be a PLAN for it to work. This is why I advised the husband to decide 'reconciliation terms' and convey them to his wife in clear and precise manner. These terms will provide a sense of direction to the wife and help her move forward with him in fact.

He is behaving like a WUSS instead - he is NOT able to communicate with his wife like a man. He should. And he should be very clear to her about what he expects from her and how the two can move forward. His *withdrawn behavior* is absolutely repulsive and will drive his wife away instead.

The wife have every right to be angry at her husband for his sexting behavior. She can vent and berate him (even spank his butt across the house) but she *should* go back to him and try to address her marital problems like a wife is supposed to.

Using her husband's sexting behavior (for which he have taken ownership, apologized and also taken therapy sessions for self-improvement), and 'separation' as mechanism to date other men is a definite NO. There is no moral high ground in this. This gives the impression that she was NOT wife-material to begin with.

If she cannot get over his sexting behavior then she can refuse his 'reconciliation terms' and the husband would know what to do next - serve her divorce papers and move on.

He have learned a lesson in any case.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You haven't said why you turned to sexting online. You may not know the why and that is ok. But, it is important that you learn the why so you can learn other methods of coping. Your wife won't be able to trust you until she knows you have a handle on this.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Last night, I took the night to do some serious self reflection and peel back to what went wrong and where. I figured out that my sexting was a direct result of our poor sexual life that we had - every time I would try to initiate something my wife would push me away or say she's not in the mood. After months of this I began to think my wife was not sexually attracted to me so I turned to online to fill that void of confidence. I became addicted to it, I was getting exactly what I wanted from online that I wanted from my wife. My wife actually addressed our sexual issues with me, in which she laid her outline to make it better, I ignored it and was just frustrated - every time I would try to initiate she still would shoot me down. I became so frustrated I just shutdown with her and turned to full online to fulfill that void. It was wrong and I have learned a lot about myself from it and what I except in any relationship I am in going forward.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Last night, I took the night to do some serious self reflection and peel back to what went wrong and where. I figured out that my sexting was a direct result of our poor sexual life that we had - every time I would try to initiate something my wife would push me away or say she's not in the mood. After months of this I began to think my wife was not sexually attracted to me so I turned to online to fill that void of confidence. I became addicted to it, I was getting exactly what I wanted from online that I wanted from my wife. My wife actually addressed our sexual issues with me, in which she laid her outline to make it better, I ignored it and was just frustrated - every time I would try to initiate she still would shoot me down. I became so frustrated I just shutdown with her and turned to full online to fulfill that void. It was wrong and I have learned a lot about myself from it and what I except in any relationship I am in going forward.


So she is excited to attract and have sex with random new guys, but she wasn't excited to have sex with her husband...

You were correct, she was not sexually attracted to you. How often did you guys have sex before you started sexting? How often would she say Ok to having sex? Did SHE ever initiate at all?


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

I would say 1 a week sometimes every other week. She very rarely ever initiated the sex it was always me.

Also, not sure where having sex with other men came from - I can't confirm that she is actually have sex with anyone else - I have kept tabs and her one best friend has also kept tabs and there is NO sign that she has met this guy at all. Since moving out, she has only gone out once. Every other time she has hung with her 3 main friends and her family. That is why I think this guy was just a fling for texting and she enjoyed the attention.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Last night, I took the night to do some serious self reflection and peel back to what went wrong and where. I figured out that my sexting was a direct result of our poor sexual life that we had - every time I would try to initiate something my wife would push me away or say she's not in the mood. After months of this I began to think my wife was not sexually attracted to me so I turned to online to fill that void of confidence. I became addicted to it, I was getting exactly what I wanted from online that I wanted from my wife. My wife actually addressed our sexual issues with me, in which she laid her outline to make it better, I ignored it and was just frustrated - every time I would try to initiate she still would shoot me down. I became so frustrated I just shutdown with her and turned to full online to fulfill that void. It was wrong and I have learned a lot about myself from it and what I except in any relationship I am in going forward.


Thanks for this update - it is meaningful.

You must have some qualities which attracted your wife to begin with? She decided to marry you after all.

You do NOT have to be very good looking to be attractive to women.

1. You need to be in reasonable shape and healthy.

Being obese can be a turn off.

2. You need to be hygenic (bath regularly; brush your teeth regularly; cut your nails when they grow long; shave as per your needs; use perfume).

Smell good when in bed, or sitting next to your wife.

3. You need to be confident and communicative. Women appreciate these qualities.

- - -

Your miscalculation is that you did NOT listen to your wife when she attempted to address your sexual concerns (_"My wife actually addressed our sexual issues with me, in which she laid her outline to make it better, I ignored it and was just frustrated."_)

This was gross miscalculation on your part.



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I would say 1 a week sometimes every other week. She very rarely ever initiated the sex it was always me.
> 
> Also, not sure where having sex with other men came from - I can't confirm that she is actually have sex with anyone else - I have kept tabs and her one best friend has also kept tabs and there is NO sign that she has met this guy at all. Since moving out, she has only gone out once. Every other time she has hung with her 3 main friends and her family. That is why I think this guy was just a fling for texting and she enjoyed the attention.


You wrote this:



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Im not innocent in anything - I took responsibility for my actions. She has not. She has deflected everything, stating this person is just a friend and has not told a single person otherwise - I know he's not. She thinks she's god gift and has done nothing wrong.


This statement gives the impression that she is dating him or involved with him.

If she have NOT dated him then this is a good sign for you.

If you want to save your marriage then you must convey suggested 'reconciliation terms' to her.

You should call her and tell her to: (1) cut off contact with any man (online); (2) come back to you; (3) you will be OPEN BOOK to her in all aspects of your life (she will have unrestricted access to your devices and can keep tabs on you); and (4) both (you and your wife) should jointly consider Sexual Therapy or Marriage Counseling.

I have shared links with you in my previous post. Explore them. They are helpful.

So what are you waiting for? You should proceed as advised.

Then let us know.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

you explained what you did and you are trying to fix it

What your wife did is unclear, she wasn't clear about anything, you don't know why she took off her ring or who she got close to.

Don't make a commitment unless it comes clean on everything.

Why did he want a divorce and now he wants to stay together.

Returning without learning them will only waste your time. There is no improvement in marriage.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Today I was doing a deep clean on the house - was in my office when the door opened and it was my wife coming over. She scared the living **** out of me, as I didn't know she was coming over. I continue to clean and ran downstairs, when she went through my office and found all my divorce papers filled out. I filled these out the other day just as a backup plan to if she started dating this guy I was concerned about (she has not). She said she saw me on the camera the other day with a bunch of papers and had an idea what it was. I sat her down and explained I don't want an actual divorce and we talked for about an hour. I opened up about everything and told her my plans with my life and who I want to become. I also opened up about what happened back in September and why I did what I did. I apologized for brushing her feelings under the rug and just came clean. She also told me that its not fair that I get to live in the house while she lives in her parents and that she's paying for all the cats stuff but doesn't get to spend time with them - understand this was all her idea so I don't feel bad. Im the only one who can afford the house on my salary with all the bills so it made sense for me to live her. Also, I don't have the same relationship she has with her parents that I have with mine. After all was said and done, she asked me to go to lunch with her and we did. It was great, we actually had a good time and then after we went to a few stores and had a great day. Once we came back, she asked if she could stay and hangout with me and our cats. I agreed and watched tv, which turned into dinner and then more tv. She ended up staying the entire day. When I would be on my phone checking emails, social media etc she would ask me what I'm doing or who I'm texting - like she was nosey and concerned. This to me, is a sign that she still cares. She did make one comment that I think was a dig at me about having her birth control removed when she's ready to start having sex again. I gave her a look and said with who and she shut me down and said "don't even start". I think that was just a dig at me for the papers but what does everyone else think about all this? Why did she want to get lunch and spend the entire day with me? I really don't know what is going on.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Today I was doing a deep clean on the house - was in my office when the door opened and it was my wife coming over. She scared the living **** out of me, as I didn't know she was coming over. I continue to clean and ran downstairs, when she went through my office and found all my divorce papers filled out. I filled these out the other day just as a backup plan to if she started dating this guy I was concerned about (she has not). She said she saw me on the camera the other day with a bunch of papers and had an idea what it was. I sat her down and explained I don't want an actual divorce and we talked for about an hour. I opened up about everything and told her my plans with my life and who I want to become. I also opened up about what happened back in September and why I did what I did. I apologized for brushing her feelings under the rug and just came clean. She also told me that its not fair that I get to live in the house while she lives in her parents and that she's paying for all the cats stuff but doesn't get to spend time with them - understand this was all her idea so I don't feel bad. Im the only one who can afford the house on my salary with all the bills so it made sense for me to live her. Also, I don't have the same relationship she has with her parents that I have with mine. After all was said and done, she asked me to go to lunch with her and we did. It was great, we actually had a good time and then after we went to a few stores and had a great day. Once we came back, she asked if she could stay and hangout with me and our cats. I agreed and watched tv, which turned into dinner and then more tv. She ended up staying the entire day.


This is good.

Being confident and communicative is helpful. Women appreciate these qualities.

But have you told her to come back to you in very clear terms?



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> When I would be on my phone checking emails, social media etc she would ask me what I'm doing or who I'm texting - like she was nosey and concerned. This to me, is a sign that she still cares.


You should expect this from her, and not complain about it.

From the 4 points of reconciliation that I suggested to you in my previous post, 3rd is following:

(3) You will be OPEN BOOK to her in all aspects of your life (she will have unrestricted access to your devices and can keep tabs on you);

This is important consideration for your wife in order to accept you. She will not be able to trust you blindly in view of your sexting history. She will subscribe to "trust but verify" mentality which makes sense for her.

You can request the same from her for your own peace of mind. Both of you should agree to be OPEN BOOK for each other from now on.

This is important consideration for your relationship to be healthy, and for it to last.

Me and my wife are both OPEN BOOK to each other.



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> She did make one comment that I think was a dig at me about having her birth control removed when she's ready to start having sex again. I gave her a look and said with who and she shut me down and said "don't even start". I think that was just a dig at me for the papers but what does everyone else think about all this? Why did she want to get lunch and spend the entire day with me? I really don't know what is going on.


She is reaching out to you to see if you want to reconcile with her (or not). Even though you have hurt her with your sexting behavior, she still have feelings for you and wants to give you another shot.

Perhaps her original family member(s), or her best friend, have motivated her to give you another shot because you apologized to them (good decision on your part). Your wife knows better of-course.

Please understand this - a woman who have feelings for you is the best one for you. This woman will stick with you, but you should respect and cherish her, and show commitment to her in return.

The divorce papers show that you have the mental strength to make tough calls when the situation demands as such. You will look confident when you will have the mental strength for making tough calls when the situation demands as such. This is important characteristic - women are put off by shows of weakness.

You may put your divorce papers in private storage for a while and discard them when you feel that your reconciliation effort is working out for you.

In regards to removal of her birth control, it is fine. Birth control pills can affect a woman's mind and libido.









The Pill and Your Sex Drive


Sometimes, birth control pills can change your sex drive. Learn how you can get your mojo back on track.




www.webmd.com





You can use condom(s), or do not ejaculate in your wife (if you want to wait).

In my view - you and your wife must have sufficient stability in your relationship *before* trying for a baby.

You two are not there yet *but* can be in few months. Marriage Counseling will be helpful.

From the 4 points of reconciliation that I suggested to you in my previous post, 4th is following:

(4): Both (you and your wife) should jointly consider Sexual Therapy or Marriage Counseling.

You two can get it *online* in current times.

-----

The ball is in your court now. *If* you want to reconcile with your wife *then* request her to come back to you - no _*ifs*_ and _*buts*_. Your separation must end.

You are the MAN of your household - you are supposed to have a sense of direction, purpose, and know how to LEAD. This is ALPHA characteristic.

How is being confused, indecisive, or directionless, helpful to you, and your wife in particular? You must know what you are doing and what to expect from your wife in your relationship.

Request your wife to come back to you (live with you and build her life with you like a wife is supposed to), and explore Marital Counseling contents with her that I have shared with you in a previous post, for your benefit.

OR

Find somebody in your location who is Pro-Marriage and willing to counsel you both - a professional.

Best of luck.

But keep us informed.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Today I was doing a deep clean on the house - was in my office when the door opened and it was my wife coming over. She scared the living **** out of me, as I didn't know she was coming over. I continue to clean and ran downstairs, when she went through my office and found all my divorce papers filled out. I filled these out the other day just as a backup plan to if she started dating this guy I was concerned about (she has not). She said she saw me on the camera the other day with a bunch of papers and had an idea what it was. I sat her down and explained I don't want an actual divorce and we talked for about an hour. I opened up about everything and told her my plans with my life and who I want to become. I also opened up about what happened back in September and why I did what I did. I apologized for brushing her feelings under the rug and just came clean. She also told me that its not fair that I get to live in the house while she lives in her parents and that she's paying for all the cats stuff but doesn't get to spend time with them - understand this was all her idea so I don't feel bad. Im the only one who can afford the house on my salary with all the bills so it made sense for me to live her. Also, I don't have the same relationship she has with her parents that I have with mine. After all was said and done, she asked me to go to lunch with her and we did. It was great, we actually had a good time and then after we went to a few stores and had a great day. Once we came back, she asked if she could stay and hangout with me and our cats. I agreed and watched tv, which turned into dinner and then more tv. She ended up staying the entire day. When I would be on my phone checking emails, social media etc she would ask me what I'm doing or who I'm texting - like she was nosey and concerned. This to me, is a sign that she still cares. She did make one comment that I think was a dig at me about having her birth control removed when she's ready to start having sex again. I gave her a look and said with who and she shut me down and said "don't even start". I think that was just a dig at me for the papers but what does everyone else think about all this? Why did she want to get lunch and spend the entire day with me? I really don't know what is going on.


_Why did she want to get lunch and spend the entire day with me? I really don't know what is going on._

Answer:
1) Information. She cannot manipulate and control without information. You have given her all she needs to continue to attempt to steer your course. _I opened up about everything and told her my plans with my life and who I want to become_.

Your wife would also like to know if you have found a replacement for her. _When I would be on my phone checking emails, social media etc she would ask me what I'm doing or who I'm texting - like she was nosey and concerned._

2) Push and Pull. She does not want you but also does not want you to move on with someone else. You have been keeping your distance from her so it was time to pull you back in.

Your wife cares about the potential loss of the lifestyle you provide. I_m the only one who can afford the house on my salary with all the bills . _

She is complaining about the cost of maintaining the cats while you carry the cost of the home and its upkeep and then she claims it is not fair you get to stay in the house she chose to leave. Is your wife narcissistic? Perhaps you should do a little research into the matter and see how closely your wife's behavior mirrors what is documented. You may find many answers.

The real problem in your marriage is the following. Your wife is using you as a means to an end. She is not attracted to you. You are a meal ticket. A place holder until another man comes along. She needs you to afford a house of her own.

Recommended course. Tell her to take the cats with her to her parents and file for divorce. Find a woman that is attracted to you as opposed to what you can provide.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Why did she want to get lunch and spend the entire day with me? I really don't know what is going on


Dude, haven't you had enough? You keep playing her tune. She's already tuning you to her liking. You and your weak "hopium" responses. Just tell her either you commit right now to fix the relationship or it's over. But I get that you just don't have the ball the say it straight. In the meantime, she's getting what she wants out you: MAKING SURE THAT YOU'RE STAYING PUT AS PLAN B.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

yes, there is still no information about his wife's condition.

You are good at talking and she is good at manipulating.

You will leave the control to her by trying to figure out the things that will come from her in purgatory.

It's not healthy, but that's your choice.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look, your wife is not living with you - she voluntarily moved in with her mommy and her dada and as such has no business keeping tabs on you. Disconnect the friggin' door bell. Tell her that she needs to call and make an apppointment to come to the house because you are not at her beck and call (what an entitled little princess). 

Inform her that as soon as she can afford the mortgage and all of the bills that you will move out and she can move in. Until then, it is your domicile and you would appreciate a little consideration.

You need to think hard on whether you really want this person back in your life because the sex situation will not fix itself (don't worry about her getting some strange - she doesn't want any).


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

wow,, Man you are clueless about basic woman games

she is playing you and moving you like a chess pieces

you will fall for her traps and games then you will never be able to stand up for long long long time

you are weak and she confirmed it. telling her you filled divorce papers but you are not going file because you want to work on things confirmed it. 

have you never dated before your wife? are you not familiar with college and night life dating scenes ?

she is basically jumping from one future scenario that suites her and she is dragging you along. she would like to see her options on the street with other people but keeping you on the leach. 

and when you tried to revolt she looked back and left you a little treat here and there then pats you on the head

wake up, smell the followers


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Alright - this morning she reached out to me about the divorce papers and if I kicked her off our bank account. I was honest with her that the papers were to be prepared because there are only two outcomes to this. I told her that I don't want to do it ahit nd I want her to come home and end this bullsbut I will if I have to and I will not just sit around while she goes and dates other people that I am going to move on with my life if that's the case. Her response... "you still don't get it" - I did not and will not respond to her. I have come to the conclusions that wife is an actual narcissist - she deflects blame on everyone but herself and refuses to ever forgive or forget. she has burned so many bridges with friends of hers and mine over the years that I am now seeing it was her this entire time. I have to meet her dad tonight for a beer, I am not going to throw her under the bus but I will explain what's going on and that I am moving on with my life. This has been brutal.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

a


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> she wants to come here tonight - I will not be here. I am leaving the second she comes in the house to go do something. Once the first month of mortgage comes out of my account on the 15th I am putting a stop to the visits.


*You need to leave before she gets to the house. *This is the point where false allegations can be introduced against you if she doesn't get her way. 

You need to avoid being alone with her going forward. Would be helpful for you to have cameras installed in your home. He said, she said is a game you will lose with the police. Ask your lawyer what further precautions you should take. 

It would be prudent to have a separation agreement drawn up. One where you are allowed to change the locks on the residence to protect your privacy and safety.

Going forward any communication with your wife should be done through your lawyer. No voice calls, send them to VM. Txt and email are easily documented. If she wants to meet with you it should be done at your lawyers office ideally or at minimum in the presence of witness that will support you. Do not underestimate your wife. She will become combative when she realizes she has lost control of the situation/you.

Last item. She cannot be reasoned with. It will be her way or no way. You have to look out for your own interests. *Do not tell her what you are doing, planning to do, what is on your mind, how you are feeling, nothing.* Whatever information you share with her she will try her best to use against you.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

The final update - wife came here Monday after work, scared the heck out of me as I was doing laundry did not know she was coming. Saw her standing in the doorway. She lingered here for about 15 mins sitting at our kitchen island like she wanted to talk. We ended up talking, I finally put my foot down and had a backbone and started challenging all of her arguments. She mentioned how its unfair she had to move out when this was all my fault, I told her it was her choice to move out I didn't force her out, and Im the only one who can afford it. She also, said how she's stuck in one bedroom while I have the entire house, the cats, and have friends over to hangout all the time while she doesn't have a tv - I did not respond to that as I didn't know what to say. She ended up saying that we've been together for 8 years and she wanted to see what was out there and maybe start dating other people - my response was 'That's fine but I won't be here when your done - I will have moved on with my life'. As the convo contained - we ended up making better progress, I really think the divorce papers reality checked her that I'm not afraid to do something because she kept mentioning them (she said its her decision not mine, I think she's a narcissist because that's so off base).

At the end - she broke down and started crying - I gave her a hug and she told me she's sorry and she loves me and wants this to work. She pulled me in tight for a hug sobbing into my shoulder, and wouldn't let go for about 10 mins. We ended up just cuddling for about 25 mins as she just cried. Then she went over to our photo wall and started smiling as I changed out a lot of the photos to some of my favorites over the years (we only had wedding photos originally). At the end, I asked her if she wanted to go on a date Friday night to dinner, she smiled and said id love that. Yesterday, she asked if I would go to her dads work event with her and her family on Friday that she really wanted me to go. So were in the right direction I think. 

I then had to leave to meet her dad for a beer, that decision was one of the best decisions I ever made. Her dad is a great guy and he actually gave me great advice about being the best person I can be and for her to be the best person she can be. He's not getting deeply involved in our relationship he said, he just wants to focus on both of us being happy with or without each other. 

I've decided to lay low on the texting and communicating with her still, today I put my phone in a drawer so I don't look at it, as I don't want to really communicate with her to much, as we both still need space. But, all in all, Id say we are trending up. She did agree that if we decide to give it another go we will get Marriage consulting and we'd renew our vows.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> The final update - wife came here Monday after work, scared the heck out of me as I was doing laundry did not know she was coming. Saw her standing in the doorway. She lingered here for about 15 mins sitting at our kitchen island like she wanted to talk. We ended up talking, I finally put my foot down and had a backbone and started challenging all of her arguments. She mentioned how its unfair she had to move out when this was all my fault, I told her it was her choice to move out I didn't force her out, and Im the only one who can afford it. She also, said how she's stuck in one bedroom while I have the entire house, the cats, and have friends over to hangout all the time while she doesn't have a tv - I did not respond to that as I didn't know what to say. She ended up saying that we've been together for 8 years and she wanted to see what was out there and maybe start dating other people - my response was 'That's fine but I won't be here when your done - I will have moved on with my life'. As the convo contained - we ended up making better progress, I really think the divorce papers reality checked her that I'm not afraid to do something because she kept mentioning them (she said its her decision not mine, I think she's a narcissist because that's so off base).
> 
> At the end - she broke down and started crying - I gave her a hug and she told me she's sorry and she loves me and wants this to work. She pulled me in tight for a hug sobbing into my shoulder, and wouldn't let go for about 10 mins. We ended up just cuddling for about 25 mins as she just cried. Then she went over to our photo wall and started smiling as I changed out a lot of the photos to some of my favorites over the years (we only had wedding photos originally). At the end, I asked her if she wanted to go on a date Friday night to dinner, she smiled and said id love that. Yesterday, she asked if I would go to her dads work event with her and her family on Friday that she really wanted me to go. So were in the right direction I think.
> 
> ...


If you are married to a narcissist marriage counselling will accomplish nothing. Narcissists do not admit fault or take responsibility. That will be your purpose if you choose to waste your time with counselling. Assuming of course she ever agrees to it which is unlikely. If she follows through and goes she may go to only one. Depends how competent the counselor is. If they call her out on her behavior in the marriage she will not attend more than the one session.

*If she is narcissistic you will not change her for the better. She will not change for you. *

When a narcissist cries it is for effect. Good theatre, nothing more.

_She ended up saying that we've been together for 8 years and she wanted to see what was out there and maybe start dating other people_

This part of her fantasy will not change or go away. If you are unsure what the fantasy is and your role in it I will enlighten you. You are meant to pay the bills and keep the home and act as her emotional punching bag/support while she chases excitement and intimacy in the arms of other men. 

She will go out on a date with you and she would like you to go to a family event. Do you know why? To stall. To buy herself time because she believes she will convince you to yield to her demands. Life is short and you will find that she is only going to waste more of your time. Even if you do not yield to her demands she will go out and find other men regardless. Especially during your _reconciliation_ and marriage counselling sessions. 

I do not wish to dash your hopes but your efforts to stay happily married to this woman will be in vain. How can I be so sure of what I have said to you? Both of my parents were narcissists as well as my first wife. They do not change. They do not admit fault or take responsibility for their actions. They do not express remorse, not even on their death bed. 

Choose your course carefully.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> The final update - wife came here Monday after work, scared the heck out of me as I was doing laundry did not know she was coming. Saw her standing in the doorway. She lingered here for about 15 mins sitting at our kitchen island like she wanted to talk. We ended up talking, I finally put my foot down and had a backbone and started challenging all of her arguments. She mentioned how its unfair she had to move out when this was all my fault, I told her it was her choice to move out I didn't force her out, and Im the only one who can afford it. She also, said how she's stuck in one bedroom while I have the entire house, the cats, and have friends over to hangout all the time while she doesn't have a tv - I did not respond to that as I didn't know what to say. She ended up saying that we've been together for 8 years and she wanted to see what was out there and maybe start dating other people - my response was 'That's fine but I won't be here when your done - I will have moved on with my life'. As the convo contained - we ended up making better progress, I really think the divorce papers reality checked her that I'm not afraid to do something because she kept mentioning them (she said its her decision not mine, I think she's a narcissist because that's so off base).


You were brilliant at this stage - you cut through her BS which was a need of the hour.

Her arguments are very telling though. She blurted out much this time.



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> At the end - she broke down and started crying - I gave her a hug and she told me she's sorry and she loves me and wants this to work. She pulled me in tight for a hug sobbing into my shoulder, and wouldn't let go for about 10 mins. We ended up just cuddling for about 25 mins as she just cried. Then she went over to our photo wall and started smiling as I changed out a lot of the photos to some of my favorites over the years (we only had wedding photos originally). At the end, I asked her if she wanted to go on a date Friday night to dinner, she smiled and said id love that. Yesterday, she asked if I would go to her dads work event with her and her family on Friday that she really wanted me to go. So were in the right direction I think.
> 
> I then had to leave to meet her dad for a beer, that decision was one of the best decisions I ever made. Her dad is a great guy and he actually gave me great advice about being the best person I can be and for her to be the best person she can be. He's not getting deeply involved in our relationship he said, he just wants to focus on both of us being happy with or without each other.
> 
> I've decided to lay low on the texting and communicating with her still, today I put my phone in a drawer so I don't look at it, as I don't want to really communicate with her to much, as we both still need space. But, all in all, Id say we are trending up. She did agree that if we decide to give it another go we will get Marriage consulting and we'd renew our vows.


You lost your footing at this stage and achieved "nothing."

You became her Emotional Tampon, and your separation continues. Predictable.

You did NOT put your foot down, and tell her to make up her mind RIGHT NOW.

She stays = Reconciliation Path chosen
She goes back to her parents = Divorce Path chosen

Her father have finally admitted that he is not deeply involved in this matter. This is WHY his daughter (your wife) continues to STALL and STRING YOU ALONG. There is NO pressure on her to make up her mind in regards to your marriage while it is virtually broken. Her father is facilitating her STALLING tactic. You do NOT seem to realize this.

She wants to consider Marriage Counseling now? While the two of you remain SEPARATED?

Utterly useless. This is NOT how it works.

You did NOT get my advice. Not just me but several members encouraged you to be decisive, but...

Sorry, man. This is disappointing.

You might assume that things are moving forward for you but your approach to reconciliation process is indecisive. There is not much hope for you.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Two weeks since my last post - my wife and I have tried to work things out and this past week has been more progress. The divorce papers I believe changed everything as it made her realize I will also do what I need to do to protect myself. This past week we spent the most time together and had actual conversations that were meaningful. 

This may be a lot but I will try to summarize this:

Last Sunday she went to the beach with her family, and she kept making comments that she wishes I came down with her. Monday, I decided to pull away from her slightly and did not respond much to her - apparently she went and bought very nice steaks for us but said since I was being a "****/distant" she ate them with her father instead. We also went out the night before to a festive and had a bunch of fun!

Monday, I decided to pull away from her slightly and did not respond to her - she even asked if I was ignoring her and I was to be honest - apparently she went and bought very nice steaks for us but said since I was being a "****/distant" she ate them with her dad instead since they have been staying at their house alone since rest of family is down the Beach for a month. The reason I was pulling away was the man who I mentioned throughout is friends with my neighbor, they went to the beach together and he was parked out front of my house. My wife was supposed to come for dinner (I had softball at 7pm so it would of been tight) backed out and I thought it was related to this man being over my neighbors house (I still think it was but see Tuesday). She wanted to have dinner the next day instead

Tuesday - I continue to be super distant with her - I don't reach out at all, she doesn't reach out to be either. She then shows up to the house around 6pm, I am super short with her and she can tell I want nothing to do with her. She starts to make comments at me - I go downstairs to watch TV - I walk up and she is ordering doordash while sitting on the couch crying. We ended up talking and decided to go to dinner, she was upset I was pulling away and didn't seem like I wanted to be with her??? Dinner, we ended up having very good conversations and I told her my issues are her talking to other guys - she continues to explained she isn't talking to this guy but they do text and social media still because they are 'friends'. I tell her I'm uncomfortable with it and it kind of ends there.

Tuesday side note --- this is the big change - I have a drive on beach tag for our local beaches here - on Monday she asked if I wanted to do that with our couple friends and her - I told her that works for me. Mentions that we leave early to drive to the beach and she would like to sleep over

Wednesday - she invites me to her parents house to have dinner with her - her dad went to the beach so she asked if I wanted to grill with her - I did and we had a great night and watched a movie to end it before I went back home

Thursday - she asked me to go to the gym with her (never does and I was excited) - I went to the gym with her and then she asked if she could come back to our house for dinner since I was making tacos anyway. We stopped at the grocery store, and get more taco supplies and cook a great dinner.

Friday - she comes over to sleep over, we get dinner and watch a movie - we then go up to bed and sleep in the same bed for the first time since April. We lightly talked while laying in bed, and she told me she loves me or she would have moved on by this point. We have a slight kiss session but go no further sexually. 

Saturday - we do the drive on beach with friends and have a great time! Only minor set back was there was a video of all of us and I mentioned she wouldn't post it on social media because I was in it - she did not like that comment (even though it was true) - and proceeded to post the video on all social media this shocked me and made me happy. Additionally I ask her if she is sleeping over again that night and she got very upset saying she already said she isn't. She then mentions to me on the way home how she hates my comments and I agree with her that I shouldn't make them and it won't happen again. Additionally we talk and she mentions, she is just trying to figure out if she still wants this and sometimes I push to hard - I tell her I just want her to come home and that I want to bring back our sexual life - her response was that she wants to but she is just not there yet - I agree to not push her. We then go get ice cream and have a great close to our day. 

Today - ghosts me - have barley heard from her at all. I don't get this part? Like maybe 4-5 texts and that is it. I am not reaching out if she doesn't. 

I know she has snapped that guy alot but I am starting to think he is MY back up plan for if things don't work out with her and I. He is plan B I am plan A. 

I want to feel out what anyone else thinks - is she just stringing me along or is she just that messed up in the head? I think personally she needs therapy. Her friends have spoken to me and all agree things are strange.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Also that Friday before all this we did goto her dads event and had a blast - she kept staring at me with these love eyes I call them - just staring and smiling at me


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Two weeks since my last post - my wife and I have tried to work things out and this past week has been more progress. The divorce papers I believe changed everything as it made her realize I will also do what I need to do to protect myself. This past week we spent the most time together and had actual conversations that were meaningful.
> 
> This may be a lot but I will try to summarize this:
> 
> ...


You are fooling yourself if you think you are the A game.* If there is another man in the picture you are not a priority. * 

She ghosts you and you don't understand. Push and pull. When you begin to distance your self she makes an effort to pull you back in Mon-Fri. When she knows she has you in hand once more - Sat, time to push you away again.

_I tell her I just want her to come home and that I want to bring back our sexual life - her response was that she wants to but she is just not there yet. _She is just not there yet because she does not want to cheat on the other man with you her husband. She is just not there yet because you are still playing her game. Sex is a tool for her and a weapon.

Life is short. How much more of it do you want to waste on a woman that is toying with you? If you haven't filed for divorce do it now. She will not stop seeing this other man. If the other man gets her pregnant she will attempt to pass off the pregnancy as yours. 

This is your life and your rollercoaster. Only you can decide when you get off. Good luck.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Its the weird stuff she does - like we went to the store the other day, and she started looking at outdoor furniture for our house saying she wants a couch for outback and benches for our fire pit but she doesn't even live her? She said she wants a privacy fence in our back yard, in the fall that she wants to start looking into it so we can use our backyard and not see the neighbors.

On Friday she also got mad that I rearranged some of the things in the house to how I wanted it (vs how it was) and she made a comment that just cause she isn't here right now, doesn't mean I should just "erase" her from the house and rearrange everything. She kept bringing up that I took all the photos down a few weeks ago - which I did but I have since put them back up because it actually did hurt her.

She also every time gives me looks when I am on my phone asking who I am texting or "who is that"

She just confuses the **** out of me - why do you want to do things to the house you don't even live in?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, it seems that after all that has been advised to you; you either don't have sufficient intellectual capacity to understand, or your weak character and the hopium you're living in,won't let you grasp REALITY. The reality of why your wife is doing what she's doing.

One thing I will tell you is that you have no idea how wrapped around her fingers she has you. It is clear now that she's going to do whatever she wants with you. Too bad you're not listening.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I know she has snapped that guy alot but I am starting to think he is MY back up plan for if things don't work out with her and I. He is plan B I am plan A.
> 
> I want to feel out what anyone else thinks - is she just stringing me along or is she just that messed up in the head? I think personally she needs therapy. Her friends have spoken to me and all agree things are strange.


I disagree with you!
I think you are "Plan B"
If you are "Plan A" she would be chasing you and jumping on you to have sex whenever she can!
She wouldn't be messaging other men, she would only focus on you. She doesn't want to lose you, she always wants to be in your presence!
I believe she is scared of being alone until she finds someone who is willing to take her, it could be that guy you know she is messaging or someone else, because you have no idea what she is doing while you are not present, so you are the safe bet for now (bird in one hand)!
I want to tell you something about genuine desire. If your wife really had genuine burning desire for you she wouldn't handle spending a night away from you, she would want to have sex with you always.
You are her security plan that's all, you said it yourself, she can't afford any thing while you are the one who can!
Remember, therapy is good, but it will never fire up her genuine desire for you, (I'm not talking about love, I'm talking about desire!)
Desire is what makes a women want to have sex whenever they can!

Once you know the difference between love and desire, thing will start to click in your head!
I believe if you can get into her phone you will be shocked on what you will find!

One thing that stands out from your post is that she is the one taking the lead, not you!
Have you ever told her: No, can't go out to dinner with you tonight I'm busy working on something?
The fact that you jumped on every opportunity to be with her is a sign for her that she got you by the balls, that you're always available, that you're pining after her, but you don't relies that yet, and not seeing what you are doing, you're not thinking rational, you're thinking emotional (very feminine), women pick up on these things, and they are very good at it!

You might act cold in text, but once she comes over you jump right in!
Sleeping in bed with you and not jumping on your bone says how much she desires you, that should have been a big sign for you!



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I tell her I just want her to come home and that I want to bring back our sexual life - her response was that she wants to but she is just not there yet


Do you know how you come across when you tell her to come home and request sexual intimacy from your wife? Only Beta "Nice Guys" do that!
Why do Alpha males don't do that? Because those men are in high demand, they are always wanted by other women, and throughout history, women used to be available to these men to please them and try to keep them and win their commitment, it's the same thing today!
If your wife knows you have options and YOU WILL leave and find someone else easily do you think she will be busy messaging other dudes?

You are pining after her, that's a turn off for many women, you are not a challenge, no mystery, nothing, she knows you very will, she can predict you, for her, you are boring, for many women it's boring!
And when women get bored, infidelity happens!
Why do you think women fall for "Bad Boys"?
Why do you think women get wet for Alpha males and want them so bad, they latterly fight over him?

If your wife knows that you have option out there, and you are desired out there, she wouldn't leave your side for one second!
Your wife thinks she is the best you can ever do or have!



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> ...and I mentioned she wouldn't post it on social media because I was in it - she did not like that comment (even though it was true) - and proceeded to post the video on all social media this shocked me and made me happy. Additionally I ask her if she is sleeping over again that night and she got very upset saying she already said she isn't. She then mentions to me on the way home how she hates my comments and I agree with her that I shouldn't make them and it won't happen again.


Your mistake is you're not testing her, you are showing off your hand to quick, you should not have mentioned any thing about posting the pictures to her social media, she did it because you said it, if you waited and checked her social media later you would have known your answer!

I believe your wife loves you, but not in a sexual way, she doesn't desire you, she doesn't get wet being next to you
So even if she agrees to get back to you (her "Plan A" didn't work out), she will have some really major intimacy issues with you, you most likely end up in a dead bedroom situation!

If you notice that every time she comes home to you she sees you doing feminine task (cleaning the house, doing laundry ..Etc) which is fine, every one does it, but does she also see you doing any masculine activities? Are you doing something to progress you career, building something, hitting the gym and lifting heavy weights to build your physic, Going out with friends and doing your own thing, having a purpose in life?
Does your social media have posts about you going out doing manly things with friends? Doing your own things?
*Is your demeanour and attitude masculine, are you an Alpha male?!*

Has your wife ever come home and see you (Not doing chores) but actually setting up a small business or doing some online course to advance you career, having books opened, notes taking?
She comes and asks you: watcha doin? and you tell her you are busy working on something for your future and ask her to not disturb you because you very busy!
You are a man now that have goals and have a purpose in life!
She will know (women know) it will be a matter of time before you leave for someone if she doesn't step up!

I think one of your major problem is that you don't really have good understanding about female nature and behaviour, that's ok, not many men do, that's why you see a limited group of men being desired and wanted by the majority of women out there (statistics say: %80 of women go after the %20 of men).

When a girl hits 18 and goes out, she get all the attention and gets hit on by every one all the time, just by being a woman and being there, she doesn't have to do any thing, she doesn't need to demonstrate success or status, money or college doesn't matter, just being there as a women is enough!

Men are totally different, you need to demonstrate leadership, success and status, you need to have your crap together, you need to be confidant, and have a purpose in life (No you don't need to be Elon Musk or Brad Pitt), you will see women will start wanting you and try to win you before anyone else does!
It takes time (years) for men to reach that level, that's why you see men who got their crap together, are in their med 30s to late 40, it takes us years to reach our peak!

Do you have any of these qualities? Or are you missing any of them? If yes start today!
Once you start you will feel much happier about yourself, you will start being successful in life, the sense of achievement it self will make you feel good about life and your future, your *demeanour* alone will make any woman melt for you!

Once you start I believe you will not accept any crap from anyone, certainly not your wife, I think you will know she is not even good for you anymore (unless she works on herself to prove she is worthy of your time and commitment)

@MarriedLovingSaved I will advice you to read four books (you can get the e-books), it will be an eye opener for you, these four books might be the key that will trigger your success in life and women/wife:

The Rational Male - By Rollo Tomassi
No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life - By Dr. Robert Glover <- There is a PDF version of this available online, but worth buying
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire - By David Deida
The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide To Winning With Women & Life - By Richard Cooper <- Geared for single men, but has value about red flags in your marriage!
Every man should (or must) have these books in their collection!

I liked one reviewer who wrote this:


> Imagine our tribal ancestors sitting in a field somewhere with the sun setting.
> One of them starts rounding everyone together and points toward the forest in the distance:
> 
> "Listen everyone its going to be dark soon! We're going over there to chop down those trees and then build a fire!
> ...


All it takes to start is having the will to change, the will to be better, and once you work on yourself to be the best version of you, and have a purpose in life you will not ever be confused by anyone not just her!
Start now, today getting the books, and start reading to understand why you are falling to her push/pull game and why you can't seem to understand her behaviour or any women for that matter!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Kaliber very good and realistic advice. Unfortunately, I believe that we're just wasting our time here.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Its the weird stuff she does - like we went to the store the other day, and she started looking at outdoor furniture for our house saying she wants a couch for outback and benches for our fire pit but she doesn't even live her? She said she wants a privacy fence in our back yard, in the fall that she wants to start looking into it so we can use our backyard and not see the neighbors.
> 
> On Friday she also got mad that I rearranged some of the things in the house to how I wanted it (vs how it was) and she made a comment that just cause she isn't here right now, doesn't mean I should just "erase" her from the house and rearrange everything. She kept bringing up that I took all the photos down a few weeks ago - which I did but I have since put them back up because it actually did hurt her.
> 
> ...


Its all about control. Any thing you do without her approval will trigger her. Any time you look at your phone or use it she will assume you are texting another woman. *It is ok for her to step outside the marriage but it is not ok for you to do the same or move on.*

It is a pity you either lack the capacity to see what is before you or you simply refuse to. You will either learn these lessons slowly and as painfully as possible as she continues to do what she does escalating her adulterous behavior to get a reaction out of you or she will break you completely. 

The person who cares the least about the relationship or is willing to walk away, has all the power. That isn't you. Your wife knows it and you know it. *You reinforce this to her every time you choose to interact with her* *and choose to give in her demands. *

A push over is never anyone's plan A.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

I agree with all of you - I have told my closest friend (who's dating her closest friend) - I need to get away from her. She keeps dragging me back in and its unfair.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I agree with all of you - I have told my closest friend (who's dating her closest friend) - I need to get away from her. She keeps dragging me back in and its unfair.


Well, if you agree, then it's time for actions, no blah, blah, blah. Because just talk won't get you out of your situation.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I agree with all of you - I have told my closest friend (who's dating her closest friend) - I need to get away from her. She keeps dragging me back in and its unfair.


Is your wife able to physically over power you? The question I suppose is irrelevant because she does control you and your actions.

*She only has the power over you that you give to her. *

You have told your closest friend who is dating her closest friend. *You may as well just tell her directly. *

Life isn't fair period. Don't like your life as it is then change it. *No one will come to your rescue.* The only person that can save you is you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I agree with all of you - I have told my closest friend (who's dating her closest friend) - I need to get away from her. She keeps dragging me back in and its unfair.


stop blaming her! The only one to blame is yourself!

if you don’t want to be dragged back in - then stop talking to her and stop agreeing to see her! She is manipulating you!

just say NO to everything.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No one can take advantage of you unless you allow it. Don’t.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Two weeks since my last post - my wife and I have tried to work things out and this past week has been more progress. The divorce papers I believe changed everything as it made her realize I will also do what I need to do to protect myself. This past week we spent the most time together and had actual conversations that were meaningful.
> 
> This may be a lot but I will try to summarize this:
> 
> ...


I am afraid you have a problem. You are distant, more or less ghost her and then she is distant and it pisses you off. Can't you see this. It appears you can play a game with her but the rules are different for her? You have alot of growing up to do and I don't think you are mature enough to get this marriage out of the hole it is in now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

_I think one of your major problem is that you don't really have good understanding about female nature and behaviour, that's ok, not many men do, that's why you see a limited group of men being desired and wanted by the majority of women out there (statistics say: %80 of women go after the %20 of men)._

And it looks like you @Kaliber are the one with all the answers even though not many men do (your words). Seriously! OP should just give his errant wife a few tight slaps, tell her to let the past go and get with the program. If not divorce. There u go, easy does it, all in a nutshell.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@MarriedLovingSaved

In view of your previous update, I clearly told you that nothing have changed for you, and I pointed out to you WHY you are in this limbo.

Here is the problem:



MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Saturday - we do the drive on beach with friends and have a great time! Only minor set back was there was a video of all of us and I mentioned she wouldn't post it on social media because I was in it - she did not like that comment (even though it was true) - and proceeded to post the video on all social media this shocked me and made me happy. Additionally I ask her if she is sleeping over again that night and she got very upset saying she already said she isn't. She then mentions to me on the way home how she hates my comments and I agree with her that I shouldn't make them and it won't happen again. Additionally we talk and she mentions, she is just trying to figure out if she still wants this and sometimes I push to hard - I tell her I just want her to come home and that I want to bring back our sexual life - her response was that she wants to but she is just not there yet - I agree to not push her. We then go get ice cream and have a great close to our day.
> 
> Today - ghosts me - have barley heard from her at all. I don't get this part? Like maybe 4-5 texts and that is it. I am not reaching out if she doesn't.
> 
> ...


BLUE = Her game.
RED = Your meek responses and decisions.

*YOU ARE NOT DECISIVE (ALPHA)
YOU ARE NOT A LEADER (ALPHA)
YOU ARE A FOLLOWER (BETA)*

This makes you look weak, unattractive, and a loser to women in general. Nobody will tell you this on your face. But this is how it is.

Do you really think that you are *pushing* her to reconcile with you by any stretch of imagination? NO, not even close.* You did NOT issue any ultimatum to her for reconciliation. *You did NOT tell her to terminate all manner of contact with the Other Man (OM), come back to you, and start Marriage Counseling with you. That she should do this TODAY. Otherwise, You will divorce. NO _ifs_ and _buts_. End of. ---------[1]

You are taking your (wayward) wife's words at face value in this matter. She continues to play you for a fool, and then you complain in your thread that you are stuck in the limbo and her behavior confuses you. Do you really think that you are her PLAN A? 🤦‍♂️

Your (wayward) wife does NOT want you to be DECISIVE because she is FISHING AROUND and exploring her options. This dynamic suits her. The OM (her PLAN A) will make his move one day, and your wife will DITCH YOU (her PLAN B) instantly. Then you will wonder WHY she did this to you. You really want to experience this embarrassment? You really want another man to steal your wife and/or make her pregnant? You really want people to remember you in this way behind your back?

You were supposed to be 100% opposite in your approach to address your problem. There was virtually NO PRESSURE from you on your wife to come around.

You were advised to do this:

*Execute your PLAN A* = Issue her the ultimatum for reconciliation. See [1] above.

*IF* she does not respect your ultimatum;

*Execute your PLAN B* = Divorce and move on.

Simple and straightforward.

No room for DRAMA
No room for BS

Your (wayward) wife GHOSTING you at this stage is NOT a good sign for you. You have wasted too much time playing her game. I am NOT even sure if *your PLAN A* is feasible NOW. The OM might be making his move(s), and your wife is NOT ON BIRTH CONTROL.

You ENJOY this situation?

There is NO guarantee that your wife will accept your terms for reconciliation. *But* it is important for you to NOT play her game and step out from the limbo you find yourself in.

You made a terrible mistake, apologized to ALL for it (repeatedly ???), *but *you are stuck in the limbo due to your SEPARATION which is being intentionally enforced by your (wayward) wife because she is FISHING AROUND and exploring her options. This is NOT how reconciliation works. This is BS.

You need to take charge of your life NOW. This will be good for you in the long-term.

Make a decision and call it a day.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Make a decision and call it a day.


Do we suppose that he can?


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Do we suppose that he can?


Unlikely.

This man have tolerated so much already. He is now diligently waiting for his wife to cuckold him and ditch him. He will apologize to her for doing this to him, and then come here and boast that he is happily divorced now.

This man [foolishly] believe that he is teaching his wife a lesson by being "super distant with her" and "super short with her" whenever he gets the impression that she did something questionable - he continues to repeat this MISTAKE. Problem is that this approach does NOT works in SEPARATION PHASE when the wife seems to have OPTIONS as well. He is [unknowingly] helping his wife to emotionally detach from him with this approach. He is literally pushing his wife into the arms of the Other Man (OM).

This man SUSPECTS that his wife is INVOLVED with the OM. In his own words:

_"The reason I was pulling away was the man who I mentioned throughout is friends with my neighbor, they went to the beach together and he was parked out front of my house. My wife was supposed to come for dinner (I had softball at 7pm so it would of been tight) backed out and I thought it was related to this man being over my neighbors house (I still think it was but see Tuesday). She wanted to have dinner the next day instead."_

*NO SURPRISE HERE.*

This man is rather SURPRISED by the fact that she GHOSTED him recently. In his own words:

_"Today - ghosts me - have barley heard from her at all. I don't get this part? Like maybe 4-5 texts and that is it. I am not reaching out if she doesn't. 

I know she has snapped that guy alot but I am starting to think he is MY back up plan for if things don't work out with her and I. He is plan B I am plan A."_

*Of-course, she can. *

She can do this because she have OPTIONS as well.

This man continued to demonstrate JUVENILE BEHAVIOR instead of putting his foot down and seek reconciliation from his wife like he was advised to.

Nope.

I am not even sure if he is in the position to issue her the ultimatum for reconciliation now. This does not works if the wife continues to GHOST him.

This man is well on his way to be further embarrassed by his wife. But he thinks he is her PLAN A.

He and his wife's father are BEST BUDDIES after all. Don't you get it? 

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I am off to take a shower and brush my teeth now.

I'm back.

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This man lives in a BUBBLE. He should NOT spend time with his wife's family in view of how she is playing him for the fool. Her family members probably know. The wife's father actually admitted that he is not deeply involved in this matter. He will be fine if this marriage fails. No big deal, right?

Talk about utter lack of self-respect.

@MarriedLovingSaved

This post is NOT intended to disrespect you but to show you how you mishandled your situation, and was played for the fool by those who were supposed to support your marriage. I am just trying to wake you up from your slumber and develop self-respect for your own benefit. I hope you learn something from this saga.


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