# sad, tired, not sure where to turn



## sunshine08 (May 1, 2009)

I am a mom of 3 with a husb that is a very hard worker..i work at home doing a job in the adult industry that is not caming or porn lol what I do does not turn me on in any way what so ever. My husb is alright with what I do but does bring up the fact that my job makes me not want to have sex with him. I am 41 and have no sex drive w/or without the job. He does look at porn and what he looks at are things i personally dont do and are woman that are not like me. to have sex after he looks at porn makes me feel as if it were those woman turning him on not me. I would go and check his history and be amazed at the amt that he looks at. He has since put a password on his computer. and I questioned it. to which he said that I have passwords he doesnt have (my computer is NOT password protected, but I never told him my email password, was never asked and didnt think i really needed to tell) 

He has gained weight since we have been married, 10 years. and we had dated for 6 yrs prior. I have to say I have too. but I also had 3 kids in 3 yrs lol and used to weight only 105 (underweight) I work out 4-6 xs a week and eat well. I get disgusted with him, the way he eats. he made a comment about me working out and I did say, at least I am trying to make myself better (im only 130lbs and 5'5) he is always complaining that something hurts, whether its his back, knees or whatever, and said he cant work out because he hurts. (I get tired of listening to the endless complaints and wonder what its going to be like when he is 50 or 60 lol

I want to be happy again, but i am not turned on by my husband, I am turned off. If I were to say this to him, he would get on the defensive, when having sex when I orgasm, I feel guilty as if I am dirty and all.. and I finally told him this, and he pulled away from me.. which hurt,I was trying to be open about things and it back fired.

If I didnt have young kids, I dont think I would still be here, I feel as if I would be happier alone. we hardly talk anymore and if he is home, hes in the bedroom (on computer or watching tv) and I am on the couch watching tv and on computer or no computer) we dont watch the same shows, he would never sit and watch greys with me... he is a channel flipper (something else I cant stand) 

we have different ideas of disciplining our son that has a behavior prb he hates the way I treat my son (more protective) and I hate the way he does (more mean, gets upset to easily and cant handle him) he even called him a sissy boy cuz he came running to me.. I grew up with a alcoholic father (recovered 10 yrs before he died) and I dont want my kids brought up in a house of yelling and screaming..

I know I just said sooo much but I guess I have had no one really to talk to, only one gf I can truly talk to (who my husb doesnt like for things she did in her past... things he did as well but not together hehe) I am thinking its time for a counselor and if he didnt go it would be over.. as he did counseling with his x for over 3 yrs before they ended things (we were friends during this time) any advice for this confused lady


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Let me ask you this, if you won the lottery tomorrow, would you stay or would you go? 

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## sunshine08 (May 1, 2009)

I would say yes, because of the kids.. they love their dad and I would have a heard time taking them away. granted he is always working anyway lol my mum thinks he works just to not be here, but he is a hard worker, he is not a bad man, just things he does turns me off.. in everything not just a sex thing, its like no matter what things he does bothers me, Since he is never around I guess I just live with it.. (he is in a job that he is gone 24 hrs at a time and has a part time job on some of the days off and a side business that keeps him busy from spring through fall basically.)

Please dont think I am a bad person. I do want to be happy with him again. I know I need to tell him my feelings, I just dont want it to back fire and him be upset or p'ed off


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Hi sunshine.

For me as a man, the lack of sex might well drive me to porn, or eventually to jump ship.

However, it is clear that your lack of drive is to do with very understandable resentment.

Please could you list the top 3 - 5 things you most resent about him. Worst at the top. Then I think the answers you seek will become clear. You might want to read my very long-winded essay: Sexless Marriage? You may find similarities.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, there sounds like there is some resentment there...could you subconsciously be angry with him BECAUSE he's gone all the time and then when he returns you're upset with him because he isn't giving you the attention you need?

Viscious cycles can ruin a marriage...if he is self-absorbed or too involved with the porn or whatever his interests are that aren't you, maybe you need to push aside those feelings of anger, frustration, resentment...and find a way to make things romantic for you and him...dress up, dress down...candlelight dinner...whatever it was previously that turned you on and turned him on, return to that...

Then if you are able to achieve that magic goal, of being able to make love instead of having sex...talk to him after the fact about how great it was, how fun and exciting it was...and what you can do to keep that going...

That way you aren't being acusatory, there is no blame...and there is no resentment or ill will.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## sunshine08 (May 1, 2009)

I have to say that the thing I resent the most about him is the way that he lets himself go, if he can only see his back pain, knee pain could be do to what his stomach looks like (think woman 7 months pregnant) he is a good guy and I have just been use to him being gone, he does have his extra curricular activities (sports) and its basically a given that I will be home to take care of the kids, he never needs to find a babysitter. so you can say I resent the fact that he basically can come and go with no kids whenever he wants for he know i am there with them. he says join a bowling league. that for me would be to hard, since his days off are always different 24 on 48 off.. The other resentment if you can call it that, would be that I hate how he treats the kids when bad.. I can honestly say, I have told him it pushes me away, makes me dislike him. I do try to give him "sex" to keep him happy, but dont get into it (hormones I am sure play a good role too) I am need more of the romance, love letters, poems, show me you care in little ways, he doesnt do any of that... I would love to have that IN LOVE feeling back and its going to be hard 

Mark I am going to be reading your article, I read the first few paragraphs while working, so will get back to it tonight  

thank you both


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I see a lot of similarities. My husband seems distant, not interested in spending time with me or the kids. I can't stand his channel flipping.(lol) I am nice to the kids, he is more strict. We have sex, but I am not that into it, and I keep thinking it's because we aren't establishing that emotional, romantic bond. I feel I am having sex out of duty, not out of attraction. My hubby does look at porn, and we both keep our online activities separate and secret. My primary outlet to vent is online, and my latest addcition is forums like this. Sorry, I really don't have any concrete advice. Maybe knowing that there are others with similar struggles can help ease your busy days.


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## sunshine08 (May 1, 2009)

thank you senstive, I had to chuckle at your addiction to forums, i am addicted to work at home ones lol and I have established good friendships within them, one is my online best friend and my days are not complete without chatting to her on msn. most of us work within the same industry and have known each other for years.. (these are all females) you are lucky that your husband doesnt do that porn stuff, maybe for me, him looking at it makes him just like all the other jack offs out there (for lack of a better term) I know that my husb doesnt masturbate to these porns since I am home and he is in the other room. but they have to do it for a reason.. right men??? lol maybe it would even be better if he was getting off to them. Its nice to know that there are others out there going through the same things, I have one gf that has the "perfect marriage" and just doesnt get anything that I say.. good luck to you too. if you need to talk...you can pm me


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## Crazzy PR Mom (May 1, 2009)

Sunshine and Sensitive
Hey I have one even better in order for me to feel in the mood I have to watch my own porn. If not I can't go through with it. Try finding a way to see porn in a two bedroom aprt. with 6 people. In my case it's no entirely my hus I just lost my drive some how. So don't feel too bad.


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## sunshine08 (May 1, 2009)

crazy prmom- try reading erotica... you can pick it up through out the day and have a good read.. some older ones I have read. the legends of sleeping beauty there are 3 of them Amazon.com: anne rice sleeping beauty

the story of O Amazon.com: Story of O: Pauline Reage: Books

just something different then watching porn.. i think that its a constant turn on, hehe good luck..


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