# Husband talks to other women



## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

Hi,

First time in here..I don't know what to do about my Marriage. My husband cheated on me once and we went to counseling for a short time afterwards. He didn't want to keep going and we ended up stopping our therapy. I needed to keep going and i wish we still were going. We have been married for 4 years and he constantly is talking with his " female friends". I still don't completely trust him and I don't know how to.

I went through his messenger account and phone and found 4-5 different women he talks to. They say to him God i wanna F**ck you so bad. He goes with it. 

He says to them, " but do you think its possible after you being with someone for so long that kinda start to annoy you...ya love'em but they annoy an make ya think what life would be like without them...lmao


those were his words. I am an easy going person, we used to get along. We've been together for 8 years. I think i should get a divorce but i have no where to go, i'm a college student and i can't move back home. 

I'm so lost, I can't take the lies anymore. He has a picture of a naked girl on the background of his phone and i ask him to remove it but he doesn't. We are married, who does that? he has his sports illustrated calendars up in our bedroom. He's stubborn, impossible to argue and communicate with. 

Help


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Who does that?
An entitled cheater. You best believe it's physical. He treats you like a piece of furniture he can push around. 

You will always find a reason you can't leave. YOU don't have to leave just yet. Go to the leagal aid office in you college and see if they can help you start a divorce. He will need to give you some support until you can make it on your own.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thank you. Unfortunately he is unemployed and I work and pay for everything right now. He was in the army for 3 years, deployed and came back and never found a decent job afterwards. He just applied to lapd last week.

I'll talk to legal aid at my campus. That's a good idea. thank you for that.

I just don't understand why he keeps doing it, we almost got divorced the first time around.. I asked him if that's what he wanted and he said no. maybe he didn't want to say yes to getting a divorce to my face. I don't know. he said if that's what he wanted he would say so.

From his comment above its seems that's what he wants. But he he says differently. Maybe I'm understanding wrong.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

What makes him an entitled cheater? Me not standing my ground enough? 

My not speaking up enough. what entitles him, why


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Since you pay for everything already then he leaves. Tell him you want him gone. You can't leagally force him to leave but you can *demand* and see if he will leave. 

I'm sure he is having some form of PTSD due to deployment. Suggest he go to a VA hospital for help. Right now, he's not in a "marriage" frame of mind and it will probably take years for him to heal. Staying with him will not be helpful to him no matter what you do. 

But staying with him will make you feel like you're going insane.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Life021 said:


> What makes him an entitled cheater? Me not standing my ground enough?
> 
> My not speaking up enough. what entitles him, why



I don't know WHY he feels entitled. But he ACTS like he is entitled because he just doesn't care what you think. If he wasn't this way before deployment, then I suspect PTSD. I saw that in some of my fellow returning Viet Nam vets.

War can make some people say "f it I'll do what I want from now on". I don't know if that is the reason but I wouldn't be surprised.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Life021 said:


> Hi,
> 
> First time in here..I don't know what to do about my Marriage. My husband cheated on me once and we went to counseling for a short time afterwards. He didn't want to keep going and we ended up stopping our therapy. I needed to keep going and i wish we still were going. We have been married for 4 years and he constantly is talking with his " female friends". I still don't completely trust him and I don't know how to.
> 
> ...


It sounds to me like your husband got used to the swinging-****, testosterone-filled lifestyle of a grunt and never really "came back". Where was he deployed? If he did his tour overseas, it certainly wouldn't shock me if he got a taste for something on the side over there. Especially if it was a mixed combat unit; friends that served at FOBs in Iraq told me that after combat ops, the adrenaline would be running so high that the barracks would sometimes resemble something out of _Caligula_. Also, you mentioned that his stint in the service was for three years. As the standard deployment period is 15 months, that's more than two deployments but less that three. Did he section out for something or get a DD?


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

I do feel like i am going insane! wow. I hate the person i've become. 

Our conselor concluded in our sessions that he has a mild case of PTSD. He definitly isn't in a marriage frame of mind at all. All his friends are single guys that constantly go to strip clubs and live their single lives and of course, being his friends, they invite him along and they don't treat him like he's married. 

But back to the point - Since we are tight on cash, we live in our friends condo and their are two other guys that live with us. two bedrooms. Our side and their side kind of situation. So i really don't even want to stay where i am living. 

I don't want to be divorced. I don't think i want to be his wife anymore either. I feel humiliated. 

I could just file for the divorce, and just search for a place to stay. 
Doing that and working and going to school and studying full time seem's like a lot of time i don't have until summer. But i can't keep putting this off like its a run to the grocery store.

thank you for the advice.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Talk to your advisor at school. Let them know what's going on maybe they can help.

Go to the dean of your college, and the financial aid officer. There are many resources available to you at the college. See if you can become a dorm monitor to get your housing. Are you on work-study? PEL grant?

There's help available. Use it. And you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrased about.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> Not a lot of details to go on, but...
> 
> You say that you are "an easy going person" but, come on, this guy is not the person you want to stay married to. There is easy going and then there is door mat.
> 
> ...



Hi There-

Yes I am in my 20's. I don't like to talk to my sisters about this anymore because the moment we go over to see them he gets evil glares and its just a horrible time. No, not many people to talk to about this. 

I used to consider myself a strong woman, but i think doormat right now is appropriate. Which makes me Furious to think that's what i've become. 

I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship anymore, leaving just seems to be the hardest thing in the world for me to do. But i should just do it. Is it horrible that sometimes i wish he would just be the one to say He doesn't want to be with me anymore.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Talk to your advisor at school. Let them know what's going on maybe they can help.
> 
> Go to the dean of your college, and the financial aid officer. There are many resources available to you at the college. See if you can become a dorm monitor to get your housing. Are you on work-study? PEL grant?
> 
> There's help available. Use it. And you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrased about.




I appreciate the tips, those are very helpful. I hadn't even thought of that. I'm not in any work-study programs but i definitely can be. I receive financial aid - However, I'm not left with a whole lot to use after tuition. Not anywhere close to live off of for the whole semester. But I make some money working. Housing is already close to $900 a month. I can't make that on my own- but i'll look into it some more - dorm monitor etc. 

Thank you so much. It feels good to actually talk about this with people. I can see outside the box from different perspectives and advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you find some kind of room for rent situation? That might be a lot cheaper and right work out for you. Or house about an efficiency apartment?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Life021 said:


> I appreciate the tips, those are very helpful. I hadn't even thought of that. I'm not in any work-study programs but i definitely can be. I receive financial aid - However, I'm not left with a whole lot to use after tuition. Not anywhere close to live off of for the whole semester. But I make some money working. Housing is already close to $900 a month. I can't make that on my own- but i'll look into it some more - dorm monitor etc.
> 
> Thank you so much. It feels good to actually talk about this with people. I can see outside the box from different perspectives and advice.


Tell your instructors you are going through a crisis - especially if your grades are suffering. At least they'll know why. Look at the BBs at the student union for roommate sitchs.

Please follow up with the dean. Some colleges have reserve grant money available for hardship situations. You can do this. Start tomorrow. 

Good luck!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Life021 said:


> I do feel like i am going insane! wow. I hate the person i've become.
> 
> Our conselor concluded in our sessions that he has a mild case of PTSD. He definitly isn't in a marriage frame of mind at all. All his friends are single guys that constantly go to strip clubs and live their single lives and of course, being his friends, they invite him along and they don't treat him like he's married.
> 
> ...


Since you are paying for everything and the only one working then I would try to find something small that you can afford, maybe another room mate situation that you can be happier with. I wouldnt mention it to him at all I would just be gone one day when I got it all arranged and be gone!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Life021 said:


> Hi There-
> 
> Yes I am in my 20's. I don't like to talk to my sisters about this anymore because the moment we go over to see them he gets evil glares and its just a horrible time. No, not many people to talk to about this.
> 
> ...


Is it possible that the "evil glares" from your sisters indicate that they love you and support you and find his behavior offensive on your behalf? If so, then it appears that you can count on your sisters should you decide to leave, and may need their help after all.

OW are poison to a marriage. So long as this continues, you will always be in a defensive position, protecting your marriage from the influence of the OW. You don't deserve this, nor do you need to accept this behavior from him. He will continue to use you (your money, your status) for his own personal needs. You need to pull the rug right out from under him.

If you decide that you cannot live like this anymore, and truly want resolution, then talk to your sisters. Lean on them. Trust them. Whether you stay in this marriage or you find the strength to leave, you will always have your sisters on your side.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Since you are paying for everything and the only one working then I would try to find something small that you can afford, maybe another room mate situation that you can be happier with. I wouldnt mention it to him at all I would just be gone one day when I got it all arranged and be gone!


That would make life easier to leave without saying anything. I have so much stuff it would be hard to do in one day. but it's not impossible. I want him to know how much he has hurt me, but everytime i try i cannot find the right words to make him understand. Its incredibly frustrating. Just speak my mind! well he always has some ridiculous comeback to throw back at me. 

Maybe i should just pick up my things and leave. Maybe thats says everything that i haven't been able to say.

I haven't even told him i found all these conversations. Because i'm not sure what my next move is. He may suspect something because i haven't been the nicest person to him due to the fact that i'm pissed off at him and I don't think he even wants to be with me anymore. Neither of us has the courage to stand up and leave.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> Is it possible that the "evil glares" from your sisters indicate that they love you and support you and find his behavior offensive on your behalf? If so, then it appears that you can count on your sisters should you decide to leave, and may need their help after all.
> 
> OW are poison to a marriage. So long as this continues, you will always be in a defensive position, protecting your marriage from the influence of the OW. You don't deserve this, nor do you need to accept this behavior from him. He will continue to use you (your money, your status) for his own personal needs. You need to pull the rug right out from under him.
> 
> If you decide that you cannot live like this anymore, and truly want resolution, then talk to your sisters. Lean on them. Trust them. Whether you stay in this marriage or you find the strength to leave, you will always have your sisters on your side.


Yes that is definitely the reason they give him evil glares. I don't blame them for it either. I'm trying to find the strength to leave. Its sounds so easy just to walk away. I know it's not the end of the world, but the pain that i'm going to have to endure seems so enormous and overwhelming its hard to find the strength to leave. Dealing with my family, telling everyone, its such a huge ordeal, i wish it could be a private thing. I watched my mother go through a divorce and it seemed so awful. She suffered so much.

Ahh! yes, i should lean on my sisters - they have always been there for me. 

thank you.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

I find it hard to move on from a situation like this without understanding why it's happened. I'm sure a lot of people ask themselves after being cheated on was it me, what did i do? And sometimes its nothing the other person did.

But i can't help to ask those same questions. I don't do this to him. Even though i know he is doing it to me. I don't have an interest or urge or need tp go behind his back and talking dirty with other men, asking for pictures etc. I wanted to be married to him and still do. ( well, not so much anymore - i wish i wasn't in this situation. ) but.. Why does he consistenly do it. I can't tell you how many times we have had the same argument over the same Sh*t. 


I guess men and women are wired differently. I just don't get it! I have this horrible urge for an understanding of the situtation. Why is he doing this to me - does he not care after 8 years? Maybe that's not it. How can you do that to someone you "love" . It bothers me to the core of my body and I try to tell myself - this isn't something i can understand, because i will never know the truth with him. Maybe he is sick of me. What is it? we talked about it in counseling his answer was always, " I don't know. " 

Our counselor told me it was because of his PTSD attitude towards life. His whole, You don't know if you will live tomorrow, so live as if you'll die today attitude. 

Honestly, I understand what going to war and being iraq can do to a person. I get it. Not saying i know what it's like to deploy but, i understand the hardships a person can go through when they get back to civilian life. 

But it doesn't justify his cheating. it doesn't justify his talking to women. It doesn't make it Okay to do. And he is perfectly aware of what he is doing. He knows that. So why. i just constantly find these questions stirring in my head and i contually go in cirlces driving myself crazy. I want to accept what is done and move on. But I can't seem to let it go.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Life021 said:


> ...
> Our counselor told me it was because of his PTSD attitude towards life. His whole, You don't know if you will live tomorrow, so live as if you'll die today attitude.


It's nothing you are doing or have done. It's this^^^^^
It's insidious and not easy to overcome. While he is in this condition he will bring much pain to the people around him - and to himself. But he won't heal until he has seen the total destruction he has caused. Get out of the way of the wrecking ball. 

PTSD doesn't do all this all the time - but this is what it does in his case. 

Ohhhh, and women can be just as cruel, if not moreso than men.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

As far as i know, He hasn't physically cheated on me since the last time. Which was now a year ago. But i still find his texts to other woman that are inappropriate : more specifically something along these lines of this in his phone:

He wants to F**K this girl so bad - a note he wrote on his phone about a "friend" of his he talks to. I knew he talked to her, but of course it as usual with him - never is just friends. This is the argument we have over and over again. 

he got a Stripper Or dancers phone number from one of his Guys Nights out and has been talking to her a lot. He gave her money to help her out cuz she is struggling financially and she wanted to move to vegas with her family because she doesn't want to dance anymore. That made me angry becaue he gave her $300 when we are struggling financially. but he is all about being there for other people- his " i'll always be there for you" , " you can always talk to me" crap. 

This is all from his phone i recently found.
So this is what i want to get divorced over? I feel like im being played for a fool - that this will never stop. and even though he may not be physically cheating right now. he is still talking and flirting and asking for pictures from these women. I guess i have this string of hope that we can reconcile our marriage but i get to thinking that i'm the only one who thinks that and i need to wake up and stand up for myself. Because it won't ever stop. Has anyone else been through this? The main conclusion i've come to - like my 1st post - is just get the divorce. There is no fixing this anymore. I've tried and failed and there's not much else i can do at this point besides become this crazy controlling insecure wife that breathes down his neck. I don't want to be that woman. I'm not that person. Why does it have to be this way. why can't he just NOT talk to other women! why is it so hard.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> It's nothing you are doing or have done. It's this^^^^^
> It's insidious and not easy to overcome. While he is in this condition he will bring much pain to the people around him - and to himself. But he won't heal until he has seen the total destruction he has caused. Get out of the way of the wrecking ball.
> 
> PTSD doesn't do all this all the time - but this is what it does in his case.
> ...


That is true. Women are cruel. I think sometimes that although men will cheat, it's almost as though women do this to each other at the end of the day. 

Thank you. You really have been helping me. I've been with him the whole time he has been in the army. He is no longer active duty - just inactive. i guess there isn't much i can do to help him at this point. He doesn't like to be asked a lot of questions. Very short-tempered. I guess i try to see the good in him. Maybe i should just see what is in front of my face.

I suppose it has been like a wrecking ball. The pain definitely outways the happiness. At least for me. I'm holding on to some kind of hope of a happy marriage that i don't think will happen with him. I wish it could.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We all have instinctive understanding of human behavior, but it's never total. We have theories and senses about why people do the things they do. Some motivations are very clear, e.g., when a woman gives birth and immediately feels love for the child; the biology of it is obvious.

Why your H does what he does can't easily be explained to you. You can guess: He's impulsive and self-indulgent, so he doesn't stop and think before he talks to other women. He's self-centered and doesn't believe that your feelings are important enough to consider when he decides he will go ahead with something. He doesn't respect women or marriage enough to be a responsible husband. He suffers the aftermath of his deployments and is very self-destructive, not caring how his behavior affects his future. He's a serial cheat who flirts and cheats with other women as a way of life.

Any or all of these explanations could apply, but none will really satisfy as a reason for why he is so careless about hurting the person who loves him the way you do. Nothing will really explain that. No expert truly understands all of why your H does what he does to you.

You're still young. I hope that you will leave him to live your own life. Life with him isn't worth the constant heartache, I don't think.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

It appears you H is too young emotionally to know what a committed relationship is. I remember in my 20's have 'girly' posters of girls advertising beers, etc. on the walls in my garage. 

When my girlfriend moved in, the pics came down.. that's stuff bachelors do, not married MEN. 

I am not saying leave him, but if he can't control his 'flirting' etc, then he isn't marriage material at this stage in his life.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Life021 said:


> I'm so lost


Why? Your direction should be painfully clear. Because you are allowing him to treat you like this, I would highly recommend individual therapy to figure out what your person issues are. No one with a healthy sense of self would allow this, especially with his record.

Why are you still in this? Are you afraid of being alone?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Life021 said:


> I have this horrible urge for an understanding of the situtation. Why is he doing this to me - does he not care after 8 years? Maybe that's not it. How can you do that to someone you "love" . It bothers me to the core of my body and I try to tell myself - this isn't something i can understand, because i will never know the truth with him. Maybe he is sick of me. What is it? we talked about it in counseling his answer was always, " I don't know. "
> 
> ..... So why. i just constantly find these questions stirring in my head and i contually go in cirlces driving myself crazy. I want to accept what is done and move on. But I can't seem to let it go.


The only way you will understand him is once you have left him. You are too close to the situation and too immersed in it. You need to be an arm's length away to understand. So STOP! Stop trying to understand. 

This is obviously your 1st experience of someone who manipulates you, or at least it is the 1st time it has affected you to such a degree. He is manipulating you. And using you. He is basically doing as he pleases, seeing how much he can do before you will take no more. A continual test. And yes, all he sees is a doormat. What kind of man relies on his wife's income...and then hands chunks of it to other women he is seeing. You think he gave away $300 of your money and got nothing in return? No way. 

And why are you giving him money, access to your money, so he can go out and indulge himself with his boys at strip clubs, with other women in such a direspectful way to his wife? Using his wife's money to do so! 

Read up on manipulation. When you say that whatever you say to him he always has a comeback, that is because he is manipulating you. He doesn't believe the sh*t he says to you. But because you are decent, not experienced in dealing with people like him, you have not yet seen through him, then you do not possess the skills to deal with such damaged goods. 

He reminds me of an ex of mine. Totally disregarding of all women. Woman = sexual conquest. And that was it. Nothing more. And his game was to conquer. Nothing more. Once conquered he moved on to the next. It didn't matter who he hurt.

This man is your education. Once you leave him you won't...I hope....end up with another like him, because you will know. Just make sure you read up on manipulative behaviour and projection while you are gathering yourself to leave. You will begin to see through him. And his words will not affect you. And you will finally understand him.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Life021 said:


> He says to them, " but do you think its possible after you being with someone for so long that kinda start to annoy you...ya love'em but they annoy an make ya think what life would be like without them...lmao


He's thinking about leaving you.

Problem is, since you're the moneymaker you'll end up paying him support.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Life021 said:


> That would make life easier to leave without saying anything. I have so much stuff it would be hard to do in one day. but it's not impossible. I want him to know how much he has hurt me, but everytime i try i cannot find the right words to make him understand. Its incredibly frustrating. Just speak my mind! well he always has some ridiculous comeback to throw back at me.
> 
> Maybe i should just pick up my things and leave. Maybe thats says everything that i haven't been able to say.
> 
> I haven't even told him i found all these conversations. Because i'm not sure what my next move is. He may suspect something because i haven't been the nicest person to him due to the fact that i'm pissed off at him and I don't think he even wants to be with me anymore. Neither of us has the courage to stand up and leave.


You do have the courage, you are just afraid! If you genuinely feel like he doesnt care then there is nothing that should stop you from moving on and being happy with someone that appreciates you!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Life021 said:


> I find it hard to move on from a situation like this without understanding why it's happened. I'm sure a lot of people ask themselves after being cheated on was it me, what did i do? And sometimes its nothing the other person did.


Honestly I dont think many people ever really get the truth as to WHY it happened. Most of the time the WS will find all the negative things they can with the BS and say that is why but really the fault lies in the WS, not the BS.

If he said, you are this, you are that, etc would it make it easier for you to accept? Probably not because all the excuses he is going to give you are just that...excuses..not truths! Cheaters lie to make themselves feel better. They re-write your history and make you feel like you are flawed and you're not...they are!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> ase.
> 
> Ohhhh, and women can be just as cruel, if not moreso than men.


UM.....excuse me? :scratchhead:


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> UM.....excuse me? :scratchhead:


You think women's sh*t doesn't stink? Read a few choice stories on this board. Men can be a$$holes, but women can be pure evil.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Life021 said:


> he got a Stripper Or dancers phone number from one of his Guys Nights out and has been talking to her a lot. He gave her money to help her out cuz she is struggling financially and she wanted to move to vegas with her family because she doesn't want to dance anymore. That made me angry becaue he gave her $300 when we are struggling financially.
> * ok...WTF? where did he get 300 dollars to give to a stripper? he's unemployed, right?
> so, youre saying he gave 300.00 of YOUR money to a stripper? so she could move to vegas? lolWUT?
> um, thats not ok.*
> ...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> UM.....excuse me? :scratchhead:


LMAO
:rofl:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

COguy said:


> You think women's sh*t doesn't stink? Read a few choice stories on this board. Men can be a$$holes, but women can be pure evil.


Sadly, I think we're equal opportunity offenders.

(FWIW, I've been horrified by the stories of what some of these WW's have done. I've never had friends like that.)

For OP, though, it seems clear that she has attached herself to a really bad actor on the male side of things.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

COguy said:


> You think women's sh*t doesn't stink? Read a few choice stories on this board. Men can be a$$holes, but women can be pure evil.


OH BEHAVE!! I know what Im capable of. Cant you see the horns holding up my halo?

I was messing with Mars


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> We all have instinctive understanding of human behavior, but it's never total. We have theories and senses about why people do the things they do. Some motivations are very clear, e.g., when a woman gives birth and immediately feels love for the child; the biology of it is obvious.
> 
> Why your H does what he does can't easily be explained to you. You can guess: He's impulsive and self-indulgent, so he doesn't stop and think before he talks to other women. He's self-centered and doesn't believe that your feelings are important enough to consider when he decides he will go ahead with something. He doesn't respect women or marriage enough to be a responsible husband. He suffers the aftermath of his deployments and is very self-destructive, not caring how his behavior affects his future. He's a serial cheat who flirts and cheats with other women as a way of life.
> 
> ...


Wow! It sounds like it's all of them. That cleared up a few questions in my head that have been there for almost a year now. Thank you for that, that really changed my mentality of trying to understand him.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Life021 said:


> Wow! It sounds like it's all of them. That cleared up a few questions in my head that have been there for almost a year now. Thank you for that, that really changed my mental way of thinking.


Alte sure has a way of making you think!! Does that crap to me all the time! :smthumbup:


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

Well from what i gathered from his text messages. He told her that his friend was getting a loan for $1000. And he would be able to give her some to help her out. He gave her our address and from their conversations it looked like he went downstairs ( we live in a condo) to meet her. So it was definitely not my money. I wouldn't give him $300.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Alte sure has a way of making you think!! Does that crap to me all the time! :smthumbup:


Lol, it was much needed. I prefer the harsh truth over comforting lies. Hearing I've turned into a doormat isn't the most pleasant thing to hear, but it allows me to make a change and i can do that now. I needed to hear it. 

Plus it gives me some motivation to leave him. I'm sure his friends think the same way of me. Not that I care what his friends think.. But all our friends find it a little crazy we got married so young because we did it at a courthouse when we moved to Texas.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Alte sure has a way of making you think!! Does that crap to me all the time! :smthumbup:


:angel3:

You should see the look on my H's face when I say, "Do you have a few minutes to talk, Dear?"


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Life021 said:


> Lol, it was much needed. I prefer the harsh truth over comforting lies. Hearing I've turned into a doormat isn't the most pleasant thing to hear, but it allows me to make a change and i can do that now. I needed to hear it.
> 
> Plus it gives me some motivation to leave him. I'm sure his friends think the same way of me. Not that I care what his friends think.. But all our friends find it a little crazy we got married so young because we did it at a courthouse when we moved to Texas.


Are you going to talk to him and tell him that you are leaving? Or just go?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Life, your husband is not going to change.

My ex h talked with many women, slept with them if he could. I didn't find out about it being several women until after I left. These women were coming up to me saying I slept with your husband. Living in a small town has its perks I guess. I had big red flags waving in front of my face and I chose to ignore them at first.

You can remain married and miserable or you can do something about it and leave. The choice is up to you. He's not ever going to stop talking to these women no matter how hard you try or how angry you get.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Honestly I dont think many people ever really get the truth as to WHY it happened. Most of the time the WS will find all the negative things they can with the BS and say that is why but really the fault lies in the WS, not the BS.
> 
> If he said, you are this, you are that, etc would it make it easier for you to accept? Probably not because all the excuses he is going to give you are just that...excuses..not truths! Cheaters lie to make themselves feel better. They re-write your history and make you feel like you are flawed and you're not...they are!


That's funny because he is always the one making me feel like i have the problems when really i only have a problem with him talking to women in dirty ways and cheating on me. That's the problem. And i suppose your right - if he did say i was this and that it wouldn't make me feel better, it would probably just make me feel like he is trying to get around the truth. 

Thanks for saying I'm not the flawed one - yes I'm sure i have my own issues i can work on.. everyone does. But, Thanks. 

You know after talking about this, I understand it more and its becoming easier for me to accept and move past.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Life, your husband is not going to change.
> 
> My ex h talked with many women, slept with them if he could. I didn't find out about it being several women until after I left. These women were coming up to me saying I slept with your husband. Living in a small town has its perks I guess. I had big red flags waving in front of my face and I chose to ignore them at first.
> 
> You can remain married and miserable or you can do something about it and leave. The choice is up to you. He's not ever going to stop talking to these women no matter how hard you try or how angry you get.



I think i've been seeing red flags ever since he got back from deployment and i have ignored them. I know he won't stop. He always says he will stop. But deep down i know he won't. He said that in counseling. But he didn't/hasn't. 
That's rough having women coming up and telling you that, however sometimes i get the feeling when i've seen a girl friend of his they are saying it to me with their eyes instead of verbally. 
Which is pretty rare when i see them. Almost never because i usually know if he is going to some event or get together thing and i will obviously go with him. Which isn't often. 

If you don't mind me asking, when you left your husband.. how did you just do it? Just have this huge fight and leave? Or was it one day you had had enough and just got up and left him..


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Are you going to talk to him and tell him that you are leaving? Or just go?


Just leaving would be easier, but at some point we are going to have to talk during our divorce, so i will tell him I'm leaving him for reasons x, y and z. It would be hard to pick up my things and leave because i'll need to borrow a truck to load my things, and it will take me some time to get everything out of our room. He's home quite often so that would be challenging to pull off. But either way i want to finally say what i have to say to him, and not let him convince me otherwise. It will feel good and i think it's something i need to do for me. Well, it won't feel good, but in a sense i will feel better about myself. However, I'm still dreading it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Life021 said:


> Just leaving would be easier, but at some point we are going to have to talk during our divorce, so i will tell him I'm leaving him for reasons x, y and z. It would be hard to pick up my things and leave because i'll need to borrow a truck to load my things, and it will take me some time to get everything out of our room. He's home quite often so that would be challenging to pull off. But either way i want to finally say what i have to say to him, and not let him convince me otherwise. It will feel good and i think it's something i need to do for me. Well, it won't feel good, but in a sense i will feel better about myself. However, I'm still dreading it.


I agree with you on this. Completely. You are married, after all. This should mean something. It is a serious deal. He may not honor his vows, but you do and you shouldn't just disappear, in my opinion.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

COguy said:


> You think women's sh*t doesn't stink? Read a few choice stories on this board. Men can be a$$holes, but women can be pure evil.


Men can be pure evil too. My ex is pure evil. 5 years down the line, I am mother to his children, care for and support them, and he does all in his power to make my life hell. Through them of course now that he physically can't. His bitterness and vitriol at me comes before the happiness of his own children.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> OH BEHAVE!! I know what Im capable of. Cant you see the horns holding up my halo?
> 
> I was messing with Mars


Sorry, my digital sarcasm detector is broken. At least women's problems make them better in bed. Evil man = bad sex, evil woman = good sex.


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## Life021 (Jan 28, 2013)

So I finally built up the courage to say something to my husband about the information i found and how i feel.

This is basically what i told him and this is what he said to me...

I saw in your phone you wanna F**K naomi, you don't realize how much u hurt me.. You don't think about me when you talk to other women...

you look at pictures of naked women with your friends right in front of me. I'll ask you to stop and you say no to me. You say its just a picture what's the big deal. Yeah, its just a picture but after everything i feel like you treat me like a doormat.. you don't respect our marriage enough when you already know its so fragile.

You don't care if your wife is standing next to you, you'll look at these naked pictures of women. Its so disrespectful towards me but you think of it so lightly... I look like a fool to everyone around me.. like something you just push around. and i'm tired of it. I dont want to be this crazy controlling insecure woman. and that's what i've become and i hate it.

I hate being a B***h to you. i hate making liveing with me seem horrible. But i can't help it when you do these things. I feel like im losing my mind. u say u will stop but you never do.. this isn't who i am.

He said: " I have nothing to say but sorry. sorry for making you someone your not...."


...... That's all. thats it. That's all he said!  

I walked out of the room. I didn't say i wanted the divorce yet. it was on the tip of my tongue. I don't know why. I wanted him to say something more. anything. 

I'm not sleeping at home tonight. I just want time to myself.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

I think you've gotten really good advice about your finances and living situation. I just wanted to also say that you do not need to feel ashamed here, you have done nothing wrong You are a very brave and loving person and will find yourself again as soon as you do what's best for you. Others will also see all of this in you and treat you with the respect and dignity that you deserve! Good Luck


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