# Wife cheated for five years; parents don't care



## Buba

Hi Everyone,
About two months ago, I found out that my wife had been cheating on me for five years. We have been married since 2009 and recently had a baby less than a year ago. Basically, the OMs wife found several e-mails between my wife and the OM. The OM ended up confessing to everything. The other wife then blasted my wife on facebook (not sure why they were FB friends) and included a picture from our wedding for everyone to see. My wife immediately deleted her Facebook and "confessed" to me that she cheated on me "years ago" three of four times. 

Once she told me this, i had to verify the story and contacted the OMs wife. Turns out that they had been hooking up since late 2008 (before we were married). To make a long story short, they did not use protection, said i love you, hooked up in our house, went on vacations together, had sex while i was at my bachelor party... At some point, the OM moved out of state. However, this did not stop the affair. He would come back in town a couple of times a year, she went to see him a few times (once while we were vacationing in Hawaii), and were in contact via the internet and phone. 

I actually met the OM a few times. Last time I saw him, I felt really uneasy around him and confronted my wife about their relationship. She called me crazy and got angry. I still asked that she not be friends with him anymore (i am not the jealous type and this is the only time I did this).

Unfortunately, i am completely torn now. My wife initially said she would move forward with a divorce but is now pleading for me back and saying that she made a mistake. I have a strong feeling there are other men I do not know about. I cannot even look at my wife but love my kid and am afraid that i will lose custody/contact if i file for divorce. 

Soon after i found out about the affair, i turned to my parents for support and told them that i could not picture getting back with my wife. Since then, they have been somewhat confrontational with me and insist that i get back with her. The way they explain it, i would not be a real man and would not be taking care of my kid if i divorced and insist that I stay in the same house with her. They are still in constant contact with her and even bring her dinner every once in a while. I had to request that i be included on all text messages they send to each other as I felt they were trying to manipulate me.

I am currently still living in the same house with my wife and am exhausted and do not even talk with her. We basically take turns spending time with the baby and I spend the rest of my time in my room or I leave the house. 

Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice on how i should handle this whole thing would be really appreciated.


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## GusPolinski

DNA the kid. There is at least a decent chance that he/she isn't yours.

IMO your parents are out of their minds. WW and OM have been sleeping together since BEFORE you were married? Honestly, I don't see the point in even trying to reconcile.


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## Dyokemm

Buba,

Personally, I wouldn't just divorce my WW for such a betrayal for the entire M (and I agree with you there may be others), but I would 'divorce' my parents as well if they stabbed me in the back like this.


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## Ripper

Consult with an attorney. Now. You need to know what you are going to face and will need advice on what you can and cannot legally do. (Withdrawing financial support, kicking the broad out, etc) 

File for divorce, at fault if possible. (Do this, you can always stop it later if you chose)

DNA test for baby. (You need to know for sure. This will eat at you forever)

Read. There are hundreds of examples on this site alone. You should be able to see a pattern. The guys who step up and are decisive, do better. They may not save the marriage (if its worth saving), but they don't spend years in purgatory.

Do your own homework on divorce laws in your area. This is one of the worst things you will ever face. If your parents don't have your back now, have they ever?

This is your life. Own it!


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## 101Abn

So your wife made a five year mistake.If I was in your situation I would make sure the kid is even yours(not that it matters to the courts),I would file for divorce and dump the wife and if your family don't support you I would dump them.what the hell does that mean your not a man if you get divorced.


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## tainted

She was cheating before you two got married and cheated throughout the marriage. 

I think its clear what needs to be done here. And if your family loves her so much maybe they can take her in.


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## Ripper

tainted said:


> She was cheating before you two got married and cheated throughout the marriage.
> 
> I think its clear what needs to be done here. And if your family loves her so much maybe they can take her in.


This.

They need to change the laws so that you can get an annulment in a case like this.


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## bandit.45

Sorry you are here. 

And yes Buba, there are many BSs on TAM who are still residing with their WSs. 

Is divorce what you want? Take your time. You have all the time in the world.... she does not. 

Dig deeper. I agree there were probably other men as well. Any woman who would cheat on her fiencee and keep going on with her OM for years is a woman with 0 morals and absolutely no conscience. 

She has used you for security while she used the OM for fun. Sickening. I'd ask her to leave. 

And tell your parents to go to hell.


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## BobSimmons

I don't like doing this but..

5 years..
1825 days..
43800 hours..
2628000 minutes..
157680000 seconds..

It only takes a second to make a decision that what you are doing is wrong and put a stop to it, take a look at those figures again and you figure out whether she made a "mistake"

I guess if they hadn't been caught, she still would have been having earth shattering "mistakes" to this day.

She even had "mistakes" during your bachelor party dude!

He must have really got off on it, knowing she was marrying you but on your stag do and throughout your marriage he could have her at any time he wanted.

I really want to say f*ck your parents, but they are your parents, while you must respect them, as a man you can go ahead and totally disregard what they are saying because it's an utter nonsense.

Look this marriage was built on a lie. You've been living a lie throughout the marriage. You already have an in house separation, walking around in silence, do you think those are the actions of a remorseful person? She's cool with things the way they are, let the heat die down, she's certainly not going to give you any sex or help you to heal, while she's probably still in the fog, she's probably more worried about how OM is doing.

Go see a lawyer immediately, stand up for yourself and stop the disrespect. If not for yourself then do it for your boy!


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## honcho

Your parents are out of line. They can bring her dinner all they want, just at a different house than yours. They have an opinion and they shared it with you but they do not run your life any longer. If they cant understand why you don’t need to tolerate a wife who cheated on you from the very beginnings of the marriage and did for years, well I do question their judgement. 

You have to do what you think is best long term for you and your child and I do agree that in your case a dna test might be a good idea. She didn’t make a mistake, this wasn’t a bored spouse looking for a thrill who fell into an affair fog or whatever. This was pretty cold and calculated your entire marriage. 

So if/when you get a dna test done and its not yours how will your parents feel then? As cold as it sounds let your parents have her and wish them a good life together. Your wife was never truly invested in your marriage and in your case I cant imagine that could ever possibly trust her.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Torn? This isn't a one night stand, she told you because she was caught. Heck if it wasn't on Facebook, you might still be in the dark. She was worried one of your Friends or family would inform you of what they saw.

5+ years of cheating through dating, engagement and marriage is not a mistake.
DNA don't raise another man's child unless YOU want to.


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## jack.c

Buba, you lived a lie... you got betrayed from before you got married and durring also.... you are getting betrayed also by your parents as well. How can they even think to talk to you after what you have been trough? 
You absolutly need to get back on your feet! Start getting you mind made up for D. and seperate all financies that you have in common. Talk to a lawyer and tell him to prepare the D. papers, get also a dna test on your kid... at this point you need to know everything and fast! Relay only with true friends and distance yourself from your toxic parents and WW.... also have a eye to eye talk with the OMW and see if toghether you can help eachother work things out to move on.... and this is only the start. Stay with us for any sugestion or help, many here can give you the right direction without messing up.


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## MattMatt

You need DNA evidence... to ascertain if your parents are human or not.


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## MattMatt

PS did your parents know of her affair/s before you found out?

Their behaviour is creepy at best.


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## tainted

In the 2 months since dday has she show any remorse?


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## LongWalk

Divorce her.

Does she have a job?


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## WyshIknew

Buba, the thread that stands out for me in relation to your situation is oldmittens thread.

His wife had an affair with his bestie, tried to break it off and got blackmailed by the guy into continuing the affair. Oldmittens found out phucked up OM physically and after a while attempted reconciliation.
Found he couldn't do it and told her, his parents thought he didn't try hard enough and basically disowned him. 
As I recall it was only his sister who would talk to him.


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## WhiteRaven

Parents side with their own kids. Just wondering how the WW has manipulated/gaslighted them. 

OP is a nice guy. That wasn't a compliment.


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## carpenoctem

A nasty thought, but I wouldn’t be shocked if she seduced his dad, and he in turn convinced his wife (OP’s mom) to push for a ‘reconciliation’ between OP and wife.

This woman IS capable of that. So it seems.


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## TRy

Buba said:


> Turns out that they had been hooking up since late 2008 (before we were married). To make a long story short, they did not use protection, said i love you, hooked up in our house, went on vacations together, had sex while i was at my bachelor party... At some point, the OM moved to Hawaii. However, this did not stop the affair. He would come back in town a couple of times a year, she went to see him a few times (once while we were vacationing in Hawaii)


 At no point in your entire marriage were you ever her one and only. At no point in your entire marriage was there a time that she was loyal to you. At no point in your entire marriage was there a time that she put you before her affair partner, as he knew all about you and your relationship with your wife, but you did not know anything about his relationship with her. Bottom line, at no point in your entire marriage was she ever really your wife in any sense of the word. You are not even sure that you are the father of her child; I cannot say your child because you do not know. In most cases of cheating, many would tell you that your marraige died with the affair, but in this case in never was alive for it to die.

Your parents do not want to lose access to the grandchild, and have been manipulated by your wife into betraying you. She cares so little about your happiness, she did not give you a wife and she takes your parents. You cannot live like this. You have a right to find someone that actually wants to be your wife. Someone that cares about your happiness. Trust me on this, when you leave her and find a real wife, you will realize just how crazy it would have been for you to stay in your current marriages.


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## VFW

Buba said:


> Soon after i found out about the affair, i turned to my parents for support and told them that i could not picture getting back with my wife. Since then, they have been somewhat confrontational with me and insist that i get back with her. The way they explain it, i would not be a real man and would not be taking care of my kid if i divorced and insist that I stay in the same house with her.


Well ain't that a fine how do you do? Your wife cheats, you turn to your parents for compassion and they question your manhood. First thing I would do is see an attorney, you don't have to file, but you need to know your legal rights. Secondly, you need to secure your finances. You are responsible for paying bills, but that doesn't mean she can have free access to your money. I really would not trust her right now. 

I don't tell people to divorce as that is a decision only you can make. Reconciliation would be tough for any man, as she has never been faithful the entire marriage. She seems to have a sense of entitlement to do as she pleases, so is definitely a candidate for other affairs, and may have already indulged. You need to develop a plan of what you would do if you separate, so you can be prepared. This needs to include housing for you and your child, visitation schedule, etc. Addtionally, you may want to consider counseling to allow you and wife a means of communication.

As for your parents, they can't be counted on for support. I also would limit there contact with your son as you don't need them questioning your parental decisions in front of your child. Divorce is difficult enough for children without unnecessary influences. Hopefully your friends are a little bit more understanding.


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## manfromlamancha

This is a horrendous story and I am sorry that you are here.

The first thing that you have to realise is that you do not have a marriage - the whole thing was fake! If he had been single, she would have married him - instead she picked you as her financial sponsor but still lusts for him.

Given the facts, it is very possible that your kid is not yours - do a DNA test ASAP.

She is a vile and disrespectful person. She had him in your house and probably in your bed! On your stag do! She contacted him during vacations! Not an ounce of respect or love for you! There should be no question of living with her etc. Gather your evidence (OMW is your best ally), separate finances, attorney up, protect your custody (assuming the kid is yours), expose the affair far and wide, put the POSOM on Cheaterville, and rain hellfire on them both!

Do not even think of staying together for the sake of the kid, as it would be even more toxic an environment.

Your parents appear to be in cuckoo-land. Completely ignore them and in fact shut them down. Do they clearly understand what all she has done and for how long? I find it incredible that they still take her dinner and put pressure on you!

If you suspect that there were other men, then this is even worse! Get as much evidence as possible and secure it. It will come in handy in negotiations during the divorce.

What does the POSOM do for a living and what does your wife do? How did they meet? Did either set of parents know him (before) and did either know of the affair? Why did she marry you?

You need to get moving on these actions quickly for your own peace of mind and safety.


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## PhillyGuy13

She was having unprotected sex with at least one man throughout your time together. She wasn't on birth control. DNA test to confirm the child is yours. 

End your relationship with this "woman". I call it a relationship, beyond the piece of paper called your marriage license it wasn't a marriage. YOU were her guy on the side.

What's the deal with your parents? How was your relationship with them prior to this? Why are they taking the woman's side? Is there more to this side of the story? I could sell my wife into Dothraki slavery and my parents would still support me. It's what parents do.


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## cool12

an EA, PA, and all long term?
there is zero chance i could R after that. 

time to lawyer up and stop discussing your life with your parents. i can't imagine how disappointed you must feel. they need to support you. 

good luck.


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## Graywolf2

Before you do anything else you need to buy a DNA kit at WalMart or online for $30. Use a Q-tip to swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s. Then mail the kit to a lab and pay $130 more. You aren’t testing the kid you’re testing your wife.

Getting married with good intentions and then cheating is 100 times better than what your wife did.

The only way I can explain your parent’s reaction is that they are very religious, very concerned about THEIR reputation or both.


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## intuitionoramiwrong

Graywolf2 said:


> The only way I can explain your parent’s reaction is that they are very religious, very concerned about THEIR reputation or both.


Or they really love being grandparents and are afraid they won't see the baby? I don't know man....as parents they really should be taking your side. She must play a really good victim.


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## just got it 55

Buba said:


> Hi Everyone,
> About two months ago, I found out that my wife had been cheating on me for five years. We have been married since 2009 and recently had a baby less than a year ago. Basically, the OMs wife found several e-mails between my wife and the OM. The OM ended up confessing to everything. The other wife then blasted my wife on facebook (not sure why they were FB friends) and included a picture from our wedding for everyone to see. My wife immediately deleted her Facebook and "confessed" to me that she cheated on me "years ago" three of four times.
> 
> Once she told me this, i had to verify the story and contacted the OMs wife. Turns out that they had been hooking up since late 2008 (before we were married). To make a long story short, they did not use protection, said i love you, hooked up in our house, went on vacations together, had sex while i was at my bachelor party... At some point, the OM moved to Hawaii. However, this did not stop the affair. He would come back in town a couple of times a year, she went to see him a few times (once while we were vacationing in Hawaii), and were in contact via the internet and phone.
> 
> I actually met the OM a few times. Last time I saw him, I felt really uneasy around him and confronted my wife about their relationship. She called me crazy and got angry. I still asked that she not be friends with him anymore (i am not the jealous type and this is the only time I did this).
> 
> Unfortunately, i am completely torn now. My wife initially said she would move forward with a divorce but is now pleading for me back and saying that she made a mistake. I have a strong feeling there are other men I do not know about. I cannot even look at my wife but love my kid and am afraid that i will lose custody/contact if i file for divorce.
> 
> Soon after i found out about the affair, i turned to my parents for support and told them that i could not picture getting back with my wife. Since then, they have been somewhat confrontational with me and insist that i get back with her. The way they explain it, i would not be a real man and would not be taking care of my kid if i divorced and insist that I stay in the same house with her. They are still in constant contact with her and even bring her dinner every once in a while. I had to request that i be included on all text messages they send to each other as I felt they were trying to manipulate me.
> 
> I am currently still living in the same house with my wife and am exhausted and do not even talk with her. We basically take turns spending time with the baby and I spend the rest of my time in my room or I leave the house.
> 
> Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice on how i should handle this whole thing would be really appreciated.


Shame on your parents 

They are only being selfish so thier time with your child will not be limited.

55


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## LostAndContent

Do all your friends know now? I think if you went to other people for support you'd find that your parents are the only one's crazy enough to think staying with her is a good idea. Her claim that she made "a mistake" would be laughable if it wasn't so heartbreaking. She made "a mistake" that lasted 5 years? Really? Does she really honestly think that you'll accept that? 

Aim for 50/50 custody. I'm assuming she'll go along with that, but if she doesn't you should feel free to threaten her with exposure to all her friends in order to get her cooperation. Your parents obviously don't care about you, only about their access to their grandchild. Your kid doesn't need to grow up in a toxic environment where her father detests the person he lives with. 

You need to divorce and detach simply so your child never learns how much you hate their mother. Later, when he/she asks you why you left mommy, explain calmly what happened and why that is unacceptable in a relationship. You don't want your child growing up thinking that this was something they either get away with or accept from their future partner.


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## syhoybenden

Buba said:


> Hi Everyone,
> About two months ago, I found out that my wife had been cheating on me for five years. We have been married since 2009 and recently had a baby less than a year ago. Basically, the OMs wife found several e-mails between my wife and the OM. The OM ended up confessing to everything. The other wife then blasted my wife on facebook (not sure why they were FB friends) and included a picture from our wedding for everyone to see. My wife immediately deleted her Facebook and "confessed" to me that she cheated on me "years ago" three of four times.
> 
> Once she told me this, i had to verify the story and contacted the OMs wife. Turns out that they had been hooking up since late 2008 (before we were married). To make a long story short, they did not use protection, said i love you, hooked up in our house, went on vacations together, had sex while i was at my bachelor party... At some point, the OM moved to Hawaii. However, this did not stop the affair. He would come back in town a couple of times a year, she went to see him a few times (once while we were vacationing in Hawaii), and were in contact via the internet and phone.
> 
> I actually met the OM a few times. Last time I saw him, I felt really uneasy around him and confronted my wife about their relationship. She called me crazy and got angry. I still asked that she not be friends with him anymore (i am not the jealous type and this is the only time I did this).
> 
> Unfortunately, i am completely torn now. My wife initially said she would move forward with a divorce but is now pleading for me back and saying that she made a mistake. I have a strong feeling there are other men I do not know about. I cannot even look at my wife but love my kid and am afraid that i will lose custody/contact if i file for divorce.
> 
> Soon after i found out about the affair, i turned to my parents for support and told them that i could not picture getting back with my wife. Since then, they have been somewhat confrontational with me and insist that i get back with her. The way they explain it, i would not be a real man and would not be taking care of my kid if i divorced and insist that I stay in the same house with her. They are still in constant contact with her and even bring her dinner every once in a while. I had to request that i be included on all text messages they send to each other as I felt they were trying to manipulate me.
> 
> I am currently still living in the same house with my wife and am exhausted and do not even talk with her. We basically take turns spending time with the baby and I spend the rest of my time in my room or I leave the house.
> 
> Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice on how i should handle this whole thing would be really appreciated.


So sorry for you.

Considering that she's been having carnal knowledge of this guy since before you were married I would put it to you that you have never really been married. Isn't there something in the vows about 'forsaking all others'?
You were the one who was forsaken.
She may well have had more intercourse with him than you.
Your child may well not be yours.
What's the time limitation on an annulment anyways?
You're nothing to her but an ATM.

Sorry, but your marriage has been merely a pantomime.

Personally, this is something I could never forgive.

Run! Don't look back. Run to save your soul.


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## manfromlamancha

Not a single response from the OP coupled with a particularly heinous story of cheating does not bode well. Hmmm....


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## bryanp

She has shown through out your entire marriage that she has no respect for you and could care less about putting you at risk for STD's. The chances are great that the child is NOT yours.
1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer for a divorce.

How much humiliation are you willing to endure.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## 6301

If that was my parents, I would formally let them know that they gained a daughter in law and lost a son. 

You better get a DNA test done and if your wife says she wants to work it out and stay married, please don't believe her. 

With her track record, anything coming out of her mouth should be taken with a grain of salt. File for divorce and get her out of your life ASAP.

If your kid is yours,the your not going to lose you child. You have rights as a father and yes the balance isn't in your favor but remember it's quality time not quantity. Been there and done that so don't let her snow ball you on that.


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## Buba

Thanks for the responses everyone. At least I know that my feelings are justified. I will take a closer look at the responses after work tonight.


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## cool12

manfromlamancha said:


> Not a single response from the OP coupled with a particularly heinous story of cheating does not bode well. Hmmm....



if he asks should his parents read the thread and post too we'll know for sure.


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## Buba

MattMatt said:


> PS did your parents know of her affair/s before you found out?
> 
> Their behaviour is creepy at best.


Pretty sure they did not. Seemed pretty shocked when I told them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss

Are they very religious? There is no excuse for their actions, but I know a few zealots and they'd stab their own parents in the back for their beliefs.


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## Rottdad42

Okay, your whole marriage is a big fat lie. Period! I can't even tell at this point if your kids are yours. To top it all off, your parents, repeat, your parents want you to continue the lie, based on what, principle. I don't think so. They are not the ones who have to live the, the lies, mind movies, the flat out disgust. Everyone here is going to give you the basics on what to do. File for "D", separate your finances, have her move out of the marital bedroom, burn that mattress. 180 to a tee, there is a link here for that. "5" years man "5". I'm sorry but for me, she can tell me anything she wants at this point it's moot. You have not not been married at all and the kids might not be yours. I am mad and disgusted for you. Good luck to you sir, this is quite possibly the worst I've heard yet, damn!


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## ArmyofJuan

GTFO ASAP

You won't be doing your(?) kids any favors staying with an habitual cheater. She won't stop cheating and and you'll teach them that cheating and allowing yourself to be emasculated are acceptable behaviors. 

Every minute you spend with her is another wasted minute of your life. There's no reason to even consider R in this case, you will NEVER be able to believe anything that comes out of her mouth again. This is not the type of person to trust your life to and that's what you are doing when you marry someone.


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## ThePheonix

Buba my man, if you give your parents the authority to have veto power over your decisions (not withstanding their complete lack of concern about you) your problem is bigger than just ditching your hoe wife.
Moreover Dawg, if you decide to forgive her and not divorce her for her past perennial "mistakes", you need to divorce her because she will cheat on you in the future. I can assure you with virtually 100% certainty, that this chick is going to be riding somebody's, other than your horse, in the future. There is something seriously missing in how the gal feels and thinks about you, and it ain't flattering. You haven't been a dumb azz yet because you didn't know. Don't plan on becoming one.


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## Un_Amor_Perdido

Buba said:


> Hi Everyone,
> About two months ago, I found out that my wife had been cheating on me for five years. We have been married since 2009 and recently had a baby less than a year ago. Basically, the OMs wife found several e-mails between my wife and the OM. The OM ended up confessing to everything. The other wife then blasted my wife on facebook (not sure why they were FB friends) and included a picture from our wedding for everyone to see. My wife immediately deleted her Facebook and "confessed" to me that she cheated on me "years ago" three of four times.
> 
> Once she told me this, i had to verify the story and contacted the OMs wife. Turns out that they had been hooking up since late 2008 (before we were married). To make a long story short, they did not use protection, said i love you, hooked up in our house, went on vacations together, had sex while i was at my bachelor party... At some point, the OM moved to Hawaii. However, this did not stop the affair. He would come back in town a couple of times a year, she went to see him a few times (once while we were vacationing in Hawaii), and were in contact via the internet and phone.
> 
> I actually met the OM a few times. Last time I saw him, I felt really uneasy around him and confronted my wife about their relationship. She called me crazy and got angry. I still asked that she not be friends with him anymore (i am not the jealous type and this is the only time I did this).
> 
> Unfortunately, i am completely torn now. My wife initially said she would move forward with a divorce but is now pleading for me back and saying that she made a mistake. I have a strong feeling there are other men I do not know about. I cannot even look at my wife but love my kid and am afraid that i will lose custody/contact if i file for divorce.
> 
> Soon after i found out about the affair, i turned to my parents for support and told them that i could not picture getting back with my wife. Since then, they have been somewhat confrontational with me and insist that i get back with her. The way they explain it, i would not be a real man and would not be taking care of my kid if i divorced and insist that I stay in the same house with her. They are still in constant contact with her and even bring her dinner every once in a while. I had to request that i be included on all text messages they send to each other as I felt they were trying to manipulate me.
> 
> I am currently still living in the same house with my wife and am exhausted and do not even talk with her. We basically take turns spending time with the baby and I spend the rest of my time in my room or I leave the house.
> 
> Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice on how i should handle this whole thing would be really appreciated.



Look I am very big reconciliation, I believe ever WS who’s truly remorseful should have a shoot at reconciliation. With that said your wife has had an affair for more than 5 years and had brought the OM into your home. She has crossed every line possible you need to file for a divorce and try to move on. She cannot possible love you and have lied and betrayed for 5 years, I know it hurt but seriously you need to move on. Honestly you never really had a marriage to being with since she been cheating the whole time you have been married.


I am also a WS and I believe who every WS get second chance but sometimes the betray is just too great and this one of those times. You really need to move on.


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## Rugs

I would disown this woman as fast I could. The only thing that would make you look weak is caring what anyone else says, including your parents. 

Make sure baby is yours
File for divorce
Don't change your mind
Run from this woman
She has treated you horribly
Run from this woman

Don't look back

Start a new life. 

Don't look back.


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## tulsy

Buba said:


> Hi Everyone,
> About two months ago, I found out that my wife had been cheating on me for five years. We have been married since 2009 and recently had a baby less than a year ago. Basically, the OMs wife found several e-mails between my wife and the OM. The OM ended up confessing to everything. The other wife then blasted my wife on facebook (not sure why they were FB friends) and included a picture from our wedding for everyone to see. My wife immediately deleted her Facebook and "confessed" to me that she cheated on me "years ago" three of four times.
> 
> Once she told me this, i had to verify the story and contacted the OMs wife. Turns out that they had been hooking up since late 2008 (before we were married). To make a long story short, they did not use protection, said i love you, hooked up in our house, went on vacations together, had sex while i was at my bachelor party... At some point, the OM moved to Hawaii. However, this did not stop the affair. He would come back in town a couple of times a year, she went to see him a few times (once while we were vacationing in Hawaii), and were in contact via the internet and phone.
> 
> I actually met the OM a few times. Last time I saw him, I felt really uneasy around him and confronted my wife about their relationship. She called me crazy and got angry. I still asked that she not be friends with him anymore (i am not the jealous type and this is the only time I did this).
> 
> Unfortunately, i am completely torn now. My wife initially said she would move forward with a divorce but is now pleading for me back and saying that she made a mistake. I have a strong feeling there are other men I do not know about. I cannot even look at my wife but love my kid and am afraid that i will lose custody/contact if i file for divorce.
> 
> Soon after i found out about the affair, i turned to my parents for support and told them that i could not picture getting back with my wife. Since then, they have been somewhat confrontational with me and insist that i get back with her. The way they explain it, i would not be a real man and would not be taking care of my kid if i divorced and insist that I stay in the same house with her. They are still in constant contact with her and even bring her dinner every once in a while. I had to request that i be included on all text messages they send to each other as I felt they were trying to manipulate me.
> 
> I am currently still living in the same house with my wife and am exhausted and do not even talk with her. We basically take turns spending time with the baby and I spend the rest of my time in my room or I leave the house.
> 
> Have any of you been in a similar situation? Any advice on how i should handle this whole thing would be really appreciated.


I had a similar situation with my parents, and I haven`t talked to them in years; since my divorce. In 4 years they have never apologized or reached out to me, and I`ll admit that from time to time it still upsets me...but...having them out of the picture has also cast light on many things in my family that were `rug-swept` for years. I have a better relationship with my kids then they ever had with me, and that is all I could ever ask for. 

People say blood is thicker than water, but it`s not worth choking on. IMO, your parents should have your back and be there to support you in your time of need.

I can totally relate to this. I`m sorry you`re going through this.


----------



## the guy

DNA the kid..... It might change the out look your folks have of her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hookares

In spite of what the experts say, you really aren't bound by your relatives wishes when they disagree with you. Do as suggested and establish if the child was fathered by you. If he wasn't, then wave goodbye to her. If he is your child and you decide to try to see if you can live and let live, make certain that you don't cause her to squirt out any more since it would only add one more mouth for you to feed once the idiot system gets done with you.
My reasoning for saying this is that she'll likely do it again since that is what cheaters do.


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy

OK, I've read the thread. Buba - no way you should not get a divorce. Staying for your son for a while might be a reason to leave deliberatively, but you will not gain your self-respect while you stay. Your wife's issues are not for you to sort out, and it doesn't seem like you can trust a word she says (oh, she might wail and cry and act all remorseful ... now. But will you ever trust her? Not if you have any sense. 

Divorce and have done, is my 2c. You can be a great father to the boy (don't forget the DNA test) without being married to his mother. Really, put zero effort into fixing things with your wife. 

Oh yes - your parents have an opinion. It doesn't matter: they are foolish to take sides against you in this. You would be foolish to let them do it. 

Cut ties, take steps, get back your self respect.


----------



## just got it 55

TiredFamilyGuy said:


> OK, I've read the thread. Buba - no way you should not get a divorce. Staying for your son for a while might be a reason to leave deliberatively, but you will not gain your self-respect while you stay. Your wife's issues are not for you to sort out, and it doesn't seem like you can trust a word she says (oh, she might wail and cry and act all remorseful ... now. But will you ever trust her? Not if you have any sense.
> 
> Divorce and have done, is my 2c. You can be a great father to the boy (don't forget the DNA test) without being married to his mother. Really, put zero effort into fixing things with your wife.
> 
> Oh yes - your parents have an opinion. It doesn't matter: they are foolish to take sides against you in this. You would be foolish to let them do it.
> 
> Cut ties, take steps, get back your self respect.




I don't think he ever lost his self respect.

55


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> With that said your wife has had an affair for more than 5 years and had brought the OM into your home.


 Let's be real, OP is the Other Man.



> Turns out that they had been hooking up since late 2008 (before we were married). To make a long story short, they did not use protection, said i love you, hooked up in our house, went on vacations together, had sex while i was at my bachelor party... At some point, the OM moved to Hawaii. However, this did not stop the affair. He would come back in town a couple of times a year, she went to see him a few times (once while we were vacationing in Hawaii), and were in contact via the internet and phone.


You funded those trips, hotel stays and their meet ups. You are basically a sugar daddy. I'd be getting the DNA tested right now. 

Sorry to be blunt.


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## Fordsvt

Run like hell. Don't look back. She will never stop this. It will continue. 
Was she a party girl before you married. Liked men's attention!? 
What changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buba

Thanks for all the replies and advice everyone. I plan on confronting my parents about this next week, telling them every little detail, and then saying that I am going to divorce her regardless of if they support my decision or not. 

I have already broke off contact with the "friends" that we shared that knew about the affair as I am almost just as mad at them.

My parents are not religious and never thought they would have this type of reaction. 

As for my "wife", she really was not a party girl and I never picked up on anything that I can look back on that would have shown that she was having an affair, especially of this magnitude. This is one thing that makes it such a shock. I guess she is just really good at hiding secrets and manipulating people.


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## PhillyGuy13

Were/are you close to your parents? Their reaction is baffling. Did they not know the whole story?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buba

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Were/are you close to your parents? Their reaction is baffling. Did they not know the whole story?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am pretty close to them. See them at least once a week. They dont know the entire story but do know that she was cheating from the start. I plan on filling them in on every detail to see if that changes anything (but I don think it will).


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## PhillyGuy13

That saddens me. I hope they realize this relationship isn't salvageable, after what she put you through. Maybe they fear losing access to the grandkids, as others have suggested. 

Good luck, man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Your parents knew from the beginning and never told you? Oh no. No way. They'd be gone if they were my parents. Bye bye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buba

bandit.45 said:


> Your parents knew from the beginning and never told you? Oh no. No way. They'd be gone if they were my parents. Bye bye.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I should have been more clear. They did not know that she was cheating on me until I told them. I have not filled them in on all of the details except for the fact that she has been cheating from day 1.


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## EleGirl

Buba,

Is there any chance that one or both of your parents cheated? I ask because this might explain their reaction to your wife cheating.


----------



## EleGirl

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> Or they really love being grandparents and are afraid they won't see the baby? I don't know man....as parents they really should be taking your side. She must play a really good victim.


I agree that this might be the reason that your parents are saying that you need to try to stay with your wife. They might very well be afraid of losing contact with their grandchild. It's a real concern as in most states grandparents have no rights whatsoever.

Have you seen an attorney to find out your rights and how to protect your paternal rights? Before you let your wife know if you are planning on divorce you need to do this. Plan.. Plan well.

I also suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Harley. While there will not be a lot of people here suggesting that you find a way to reconcile, it's completely possible. Many people do and go on to have a good marriage after they fix whatever was broken. The book gives a lot of help in deciding which way to go. I highly suggest that you read it before making your final decision.


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## Fordsvt

I think I'd spare them the details. Or you'll never hear the end of it.
You don't need your parents on your case or up your A$$ for the next five years


----------



## Buba

EleGirl said:


> Buba,
> 
> Is there any chance that one or both of your parents cheated? I ask because this might explain their reaction to your wife cheating.


There is a good chance that at least one did. Their marriage was pretty rocky when I was young. However, I was too little and do not know exactly what their issues were.


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## Wolf1974

That is crazy... I'm so sorry. I would never do that to my own children. I hope that when you do fill them in on everything they will support you as you should.

In so far as your wife you said it best when you said it's shocking how good she is at lying and manipulation. How could you ever forgive that?

Good luck sir


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## Thorburn

I did not speak to my parents for years due to a serious offense. I eventually forgave my father and we had a decent relationship up to the time he died two years ago. 

I did not talk to my parents for almost 7 years. I have some regret that it took me so long to forgive them, but none of my other brothers and sisters disagreed with me and my wife supported my decision.

If I was in a similar situation today I would more than likely do the same thing, but not as long as 7 years.

What your parents are doing is very serious and boneheaded.


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## bfree

Buba said:


> I should have been more clear. They did not know that she was cheating on me until I told them. I have not filled them in on all of the details except for the fact that she has been cheating from day 1.


When you confront them ask your parents if they feel you should stay with your wife even if you find out the baby isn't yours. See if that shocks them into reality.


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## Rugs

This is YOUR life, not your parents'. They lived their life and as an adult, you need to live yours. 

You do not need their blessing.

Focus on YOUR future .


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Most parents always want you to live a better life than they did, but the journey is your own. I did everything pretty much backwards from what was expected in life, but unless I was being a total idiot they let me find out on my own.

Your parents are utterly wrong, even if the believe they have your best interest at heart.


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## Buba

Thanks for the posts everyone. Just talked to my Dad for about an hour after he came over unexpectedly. Basically, he says that I owe it to my kid to try to get back together with my wife. He only points out the positives to getting back together with her and will not recognize that there would also be huge risks as well. 

He said that the situation is causing him a lot of stress and that he is now attending therapy. He also said that his therapist told him that the best thing I can do is to get back together with my wife since we have a kid. A divorce now would put her at a huge disadvantage in life. 

Before he left, he said I need to get back together with her at least for a year and try really hard to be happy with her and to not dwell on the past. If, after the year went by and things did not work out, he would then support a D (i dont believe it). Supposedly, the courts are more willing to give a 50-50 custody after the first 2 years (that is what he said anyway)? He also said I was really lucky that she did not decide to run away with the OM once I found out.


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## cool12

omfg
tell your dad to live with the cheating liar. you deserve better and so does your son.


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## bandit.45

Your dad doesn't give a sh!t about anyone but himself. That much is painfully obvious. He probably cheated on your mom. 

HE'S HAVING TO GET COUNSELING???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? :scratchhead:


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## ThePheonix

Buba you need to start hanging with a better class of loser. If you want someone looking out for your interest your parents ain't the people to do it. I think everything is about them and your dads thinks you need to do what makes him feel good. As noble as it sounds to stay with this chick, who looks at you as little more than a wallet,for the kid, its a bunch of crap in my opinion. Hell Dawg, it may not even be your kid. But its your call my man. And any rate, you need to spend some thinking about whether you want to spend a good part of the rest of your life being a shoe shine boy for this crowd of entitled sociopaths.


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## just got it 55

Buba said:


> Thanks for the posts everyone. Just talked to my Dad for about an hour after he came over unexpectedly. Basically, he says that I owe it to my kid to try to get back together with my wife. He only points out the positives to getting back together with her and will not recognize that there would also be huge risks as well.
> 
> He said that the situation is causing him a lot of stress and that he is now attending therapy. He also said that his therapist told him that the best thing I can do is to get back together with my wife since we have a kid. A divorce now would put her at a huge disadvantage in life.
> 
> Before he left, he said I need to get back together with her at least for a year and try really hard to be happy with her and to not dwell on the past. If, after the year went by and things did not work out, he would then support a D (i dont believe it). Supposedly, the courts are more willing to give a 50-50 custody after the first 2 years (that is what he said anyway)? *He also said I was really lucky that she did not decide to run away with the OM once I found out.*




 UN FVCKING BELIEVABLE 

Buba I know he's your Dad ....But don't listen to this moron

55


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## itom72

Buba said:


> Thanks for the posts everyone. Just talked to my Dad for about an hour after he came over unexpectedly. Basically, he says that I owe it to my kid to try to get back together with my wife. He only points out the positives to getting back together with her and will not recognize that there would also be huge risks as well.
> 
> He said that the situation is causing him a lot of stress and that he is now attending therapy. He also said that his therapist told him that the best thing I can do is to get back together with my wife since we have a kid. A divorce now would put her at a huge disadvantage in life.
> 
> Before he left, he said I need to get back together with her at least for a year and try really hard to be happy with her and to not dwell on the past. If, after the year went by and things did not work out, he would then support a D (i dont believe it). Supposedly, the courts are more willing to give a 50-50 custody after the first 2 years (that is what he said anyway)? He also said I was really lucky that she did not decide to run away with the OM once I found out.


Buba, if I were you, I'd seriously consider an adult adoption program - that is, assuming you want parental figures in your life once this sordid mess is behind you.

You didn't get to pick your biological parents, but if you want, depending on where you live, you can pick the people you wish had been your parents all along.

Picking Your Parents

Of course, you can always take the informal route, and avoid the legal hassle. The point is, you have multiple cancers to excise from your life. Your life will end up having to be a re-do, but if you're stubborn about making it the kind of life you want, you'll love the end product.


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## bandit.45

itom72 said:


> The point is, you have multiple cancers to excise from your life. Your life will end up having to be a re-do, but if you're stubborn about making it the kind of life you want, you'll love the end product.


QTF

This. 


Buba you get one shot at this life. One. 

Do you want to waste it being tied to a wh0re of a wife and amoral worthless parents? Ask yourself this.

If I were you...I'd be cleaning house.


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## Numbersixxx

Your dad is a scumbag. Tell him I said that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

He said you were lucky, she didn't run off with her lover??? How lucky for you, your wife spread her legs for five years for another man, and then "they" decided they didn't want to move on together. It was only your entire marriage, right? What contest did you enter to win this prize from hell? Not much of a marriage, was it?

Look whether you D or R, it's only when you see things for what they are and you want to. Don't fall for that bull krap someone gives you, to guilt you into what they want. 

Five years, wtf!!!


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## PhillyGuy13

Good lord man I am sorry you are in this situation.

You are stressing your dad out because you want to divorced your wife who had cheated on you each and every day for your entire marriage and then some.

He is in therapy??? I don't know any therapist who would advise to stay with that woman.

His therapist must be a clergyman. Only thing I can think of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Well this thread seems to be more about your parents then about your marriage and your own life. I'd say it's time to focus on what you want to do.

If your wife has been the primary care giver, you are more likely to get more time with your child after the age of 2 than before. And once the precedence is set at a particular schedule, it's very hard to get the status quo changed.


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## Graywolf2

Numbersixxx said:


> Your dad is a scumbag. Tell him I said that.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## jim123

Graywolf2 said:


> :iagree::iagree:


Do not agree. He is trying to help you. He may not be correct but he is trying to help. More than likely they do not want to loose their grandchild. 

Get some legal advice. Do not rely on us. Know your facts, if you are better waiting a year then do it. Take the time to get yourself together. Get separate accounts and start building your life


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## Theseus

101Abn said:


> So your wife made a five year mistake.If I was in your situation I would make sure the kid is even yours(not that it matters to the courts)



Depends on where you live, it could make a big difference. And in the United States anyway, you have the option of suing the OM to help recoup child support payments. 

Agree with all those that are telling you to contact an attorney so you know all your options here.


----------



## DoktorFun

Buba said:


> Thanks for the posts everyone. Just talked to my Dad for about an hour after he came over unexpectedly. Basically, he says that I owe it to my kid to try to get back together with my wife. He only points out the positives to getting back together with her and will not recognize that there would also be huge risks as well.
> 
> He said that the situation is causing him a lot of stress and that he is now attending therapy. He also said that his therapist told him that the best thing I can do is to get back together with my wife since we have a kid. A divorce now would put her at a huge disadvantage in life.
> 
> Before he left, he said I need to get back together with her at least for a year and try really hard to be happy with her and to not dwell on the past. If, after the year went by and things did not work out, he would then support a D (i dont believe it). Supposedly, the courts are more willing to give a 50-50 custody after the first 2 years (that is what he said anyway)? He also said I was really lucky that she did not decide to run away with the OM once I found out.




:lol: Ding Ding! It can't be true...

WTF? :scratchhead:


----------



## honcho

Your father is full of it and no therapist in the world would have told him that garbage. Tell your dad he should follow his own advice and do what is best for his child, you, and realistically look at this mess. 

Do not allow his denial of the situation for what it is to influence you. Your lucky she didn’t run away with the OM after you found out? Really? That would have been your only lucky thing in this disaster. If he thinks that little of you get it out of your life, at least for now.


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## bryanp

Your father is an embarrassment as a parent, adult and human being. Your father for some reason is getting off having you be humiliated in life by this horrible woman. What a complete idiot.


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## sammy7111

don't let your parents run your life if you don't feel like staying dont


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## ThePheonix

jim123 said:


> More than likely they do not want to loose their grandchild.


Or maybe dear old dad has other reasons to keep this chick around. Like in Shakespeare's Hamlet, "The lady (daddy) doth protest too much, methinks.


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## Chaparral

I think his dad is being completely logical, assuming he was a cheater and he doesn't see how bad what your wife has done.

This was never a real marriage. You have no idea who this woman is. She has never one time been honest with you. She has totally lied to you from the beginning. There was not one day when she had your back. Not one day she was honest or faithful. Not one day she loved you. Not one day she did not treat you like a fool. Not one day she respected you.

You can't even have the belief your child is yours until you have it medically verified.

Nothing in your life has been real since you met her.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Wow Buba! How many more buttons can you push here ?!?!?

This is getting more heinous by the minute! 

Too bad to be real!


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## weightlifter

Divorce your parents too.

Sorry


----------



## Dyokemm

"He probably cheated on your mom."

Or possibly he was a doormat and rugswept his W's A.

Maybe that's why he is triggering so bad and needs to go to therapy.

His advice may be a repetition of what he did. and he figures if he could swallow down a s**t sandwich, then his son should be able to do the same.


----------



## Buba

Thanks for the input everyone. Its great that people I have never met are willing to give advice to a stranger. Before I found out that my wife was cheating, I would always turn to her and my parents for advice/support whenever I needed it. Can't really do that right now. 

To give my parents credit they still are being helpful when I need a hand with the baby and do mean well. I imagine that a lot of you are correct. There was most likely something in my Dads past that is causing him to have such a strange/strong reaction to the whole thing.


----------



## tom67

Buba said:


> Thanks for the input everyone. Its great that people I have never met are willing to give advice to a stranger. Before I found out that my wife was cheating, I would always turn to her and my parents for advice/support whenever I needed it. Can't really do that right now.
> 
> To give my parents credit they still are being helpful when I need a hand with the baby and do mean well. I imagine that a lot of you are correct. There was most likely something in my Dads past that is causing him to have such a strange/strong reaction to the whole thing.


:iagree:
Your dads reaction is just not normal at all.
Just tell him "I'm sorry you feel that way."
This is your life, your reality.
Tell him your therapist told you his therapist is a whack job then walk away.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7

Buba said:


> Thanks for the input everyone. Its great that people I have never met are willing to give advice to a stranger. Before I found out that my wife was cheating, I would always turn to her and my parents for advice/support whenever I needed it. Can't really do that right now.
> 
> To give my parents credit they still are being helpful when I need a hand with the baby and do mean well. I imagine that a lot of you are correct. There was most likely something in my Dads past that is causing him to have such a strange/strong reaction to the whole thing.


Sorry, but you are way to wrapped up in your parents wishes, feelings, needs and desires and none of your own, for me to believe this story. :scratchhead:

No one could possibly be as dense and dismissive of their own feelings as this????


----------



## Buba

BetrayedAgain7 said:


> Sorry, but you are way to wrapped up in your parents wishes, feelings, needs and desires and none of your own, for me to believe this story. :scratchhead:
> 
> No one could possibly be as dense and dismissive of their own feelings as this????


I dont think i am really dismissive of my own feelings. I am really just stuck. I have always took my parents advice seriously and it has almost always been good. Unfortunately, in this situation, we have way different views. Ultimately, I know that I am going to do what I want to but not having my parents support is a huge hurdle.


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## BetrayedAgain7

Buba said:


> I dont think i am really dismissive of my own feelings. I am really just stuck. I have always took my parents advice seriously and it has almost always been good. Unfortunately, in this situation, we have way different views. Ultimately, I know that I am going to do what I want to but not having my parents support is a huge hurdle.



Well this is the turning point of your life where the dependant boy turns into a MAN!


----------



## GusPolinski

I recall an episode of "My Name is Earl" in which the lead character (Earl, duh) found out that "his" new baby wasn't his at all. He pretty much discovered this in the delivery room, as both he and his wife were Caucasian and the baby was, well, let's just say...a few shades darker.

Now, the way in which the revelation was framed within the context of the series (I believe it was done in a "flashback" sort of way in the pilot episode) made it out to be HILARIOUS, especially when, in one of the very next scenes, his wife was sort of flirting/making googly eyes w/ the guy that was obviously the father (turns out he wasn't, but you didn't find that out until the very last episode in the series).

Anyway, in one of the later episodes (which turned out to be a recounting of past events in Earl's life), upon finding out that the baby wasn't his, Earl was -- understandably -- frustrated, and he contemplated divorcing his wife. Well, his dad talked him out of it, spouting a bunch of hippy dippy crap about how the baby was innocent, needed a father, and yadda yadda blah.

Now, obviously, children need to be looked after, provided for, etc. I'm not denying that, and I don't think that anyone here would. But does that mean that a man who has been cuckolded by his wife should selflessly fill that role? I suppose that the answer will be a rather subjective one, and will vary from person to person. For me, however, the answer would be a resounding NO.

I would, however, do everything that I could to divorce my wife in as honorable a way as possible, but there is no way that I could devote my life to raising a child whose existence resulted from my wife's adulterous behavior.

This may all be a bit premature, but I bring it up for the following reasons...

1. Earl's dad was wrong. Waaaaay wrong. And I believe that your dad is as well.

2. Your child may not actually be your child, at least not biologically. IMO you NEED to pursue answers in this regard. Don't tell your wife that you're doing it. Just do it.

3. I hope that you're sitting down, because I don't know that you've considered this... How certain are you that your father is ACTUALLY your father (biologically)? If your current situation has him attending therapy, it could be that it is causing him to trigger. Is it possible that your mother cheated on your father?

I'm sorry if that last part was hard to read. Honestly, I balked a couple of times before going through w/ typing it out.


----------



## Phenix70

Buba said:


> Thanks for the input everyone. Its great that people I have never met are willing to give advice to a stranger. Before I found out that my wife was cheating, I would always turn to her and my parents for advice/support whenever I needed it. Can't really do that right now.
> 
> To give my parents credit they still are being helpful when I need a hand with the baby and do mean well. I imagine that a lot of you are correct. There was most likely something in my Dads past that is causing him to have such a strange/strong reaction to the whole thing.


How old are you?
I ask because I sense you have issues stemming from wanting your parent's approval.
I love my parents, but I stopped looking for their approval when I left their home to make my way in the world.
I also stopped asking for their advice when I realized they weren't the best people to ask, as they had their own agendas.
If you want advice, ask an impartial neutral third party, someone who has nothing to gain from your choices.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Buba said:


> I dont think i am really dismissive of my own feelings. I am really just stuck. I have always took my parents advice seriously and it has almost always been good. Unfortunately, in this situation, we have way different views. Ultimately, I know that I am going to do what I want to but not having my parents support is a huge hurdle.


Why is it a hurdle? I can completely understand how disappointing it might be to not have their support but why is it an obstacle? 

I remember separating from my wife a few years ago. I did NOT want to make that phone call to my parents. Even at my age, that phone call scared the living crap out of me. When I did, it did not go as I had predicted ... what I expected was to get a lot of negative feedback from my mom while getting support from my dad (the peacemaker in my family). What happened was that my mom was shockingly supportive and accepting of whatever I decided while my dad wanted me to stay in my marriage at all costs. I had already accepted that my mom wouldn't be supportive so it was a pleasant surprise that she was but I was devastated by my dad's response. That said, I knew what I had to do and that it was right for me. While I wanted my dad in my corner, they don't live my life for me. Just like any other decision I make, I will seek out different perspectives and take in any advice that is offered ... but ultimately the decision has to be the right one for me.


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy

Checking back in on this thread. 

Let's disintegrate the bull**** here. 

As you know, as other posters say, your dad is speaking out of turn. Seems likely that "something in his past" gives him the need to say this stuff: it does seem likely that this will not be something to his credit. 

Nevertheless, is he insightful? - well not necessarily. Particularly if the guy is pathetically advancing his therapists opinion on what you should do. It doesn't matter for the purpose of discounting the worth of his opinion - but I suggest you ask him straight what in his past makes him say this. Will his reply be 100% candid and true immediately? Try it. 

Stop heeding your parents views over your own. Live your own life and make your own decisions - the only real freedom we get in this existence.


----------



## warlock07

Does he know that she was cheating from the beginning?


----------



## VFW

I think that your fathers concern is that you don’t make a rash decision and the belief that giving someone a second chance is the right thing to do. He also probably feels that sacrificing for the good of the children is a good thing as well. However, he probably has little experience in this area. Most people come to this forum and by nature want to do exactly what he is suggesting. If I am nicer to her, help with the house and kids that she will want to stay. While it plays well in the movies, it is not what happens in real life. 

If you nice her along, it is just a way of sweeping her actions under the rug. This will likely lead to a repeat performance on her part, as there are no consequences for her actions. Additionally, it you are seen as passive to whatever she wants you to do. This is not an attractive quality to women, they want a strong confident man. She will confirm for a period of time, but will eventually be up to her old tricks in no time. I would recommend a 180 approach with her, develop a legal and financial plan, counseling is a must regardless.


----------



## Graywolf2

Buba said:


> He said that the situation is causing him a lot of stress and that he is now attending therapy.


Why would your wife having an affair cause your dad to go to therapy?



EleGirl said:


> Buba,Is there any chance that one or both of your parents cheated? I ask because this might explain their reaction to your wife cheating.


That’s the answer. Your dad acts all noble and pretends it’s ALL about you and his POSSIBLE grandchild when a large part is about him and his feelings.



Buba said:


> Before he left, he said I need to get back together with her at least for a year and try really hard to be happy with her and to not dwell on the past. If, after the year went by and things did not work out, he would then support a D *(i dont believe it)*.


Why don’t you believe your dad? I think you picked up on that it is ALL about his feelings and he’s not going to change.

*Get the DNA kit and get that going now.* You don't have to tell anyone about it. Remember, you are really testing your wife. It would be interesting to see your dad's reaction if it wasn't your kid.


----------



## Buba

Phenix70 said:


> How old are you?
> I ask because I sense you have issues stemming from wanting your parent's approval.
> I love my parents, but I stopped looking for their approval when I left their home to make my way in the world.
> I also stopped asking for their advice when I realized they weren't the best people to ask, as they had their own agendas.
> If you want advice, ask an impartial neutral third party, someone who has nothing to gain from your choices.


I am 31. I think I do look for my parents approval but that I will ultimately do what I want. It does make me second guess myself though. 

I have received two other types of advice from my friends and the rest of my family: 1. Divorce her now; 2. They cant tell me what I need to do but will support me either way. 

My parents are actually the only ones who have said flat out that I need to stay with her.


----------



## Buba

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Why is it a hurdle? I can completely understand how disappointing it might be to not have their support but why is it an obstacle?
> 
> I remember separating from my wife a few years ago. I did NOT want to make that phone call to my parents. Even at my age, that phone call scared the living crap out of me. When I did, it did not go as I had predicted ... what I expected was to get a lot of negative feedback from my mom while getting support from my dad (the peacemaker in my family). What happened was that my mom was shockingly supportive and accepting of whatever I decided while my dad wanted me to stay in my marriage at all costs. I had already accepted that my mom wouldn't be supportive so it was a pleasant surprise that she was but I was devastated by my dad's response. That said, I knew what I had to do and that it was right for me. While I wanted my dad in my corner, they don't live my life for me. Just like any other decision I make, I will seek out different perspectives and take in any advice that is offered ... but ultimately the decision has to be the right one for me.


This seems exactly like my parents as well. My Mom seems more open to me doing what I want but holds back since she knows my Dad has a strong view on the subject.


----------



## Buba

Graywolf2 said:


> Why would your wife having an affair cause your dad to go to therapy?
> 
> 
> 
> That’s the answer. Your dad acts all noble and pretends it’s ALL about you and his POSSIBLE grandchild when a large part is about him and his feelings.
> 
> 
> 
> Why don’t you believe your dad? I think you picked up on that it is ALL about his feelings and he’s not going to change.
> 
> *Get the DNA kit and get that going now.* You don't have to tell anyone about it. Remember, you are really testing your wife. It would be interesting to see your dad's reaction if it wasn't your kid.


If I get a DNA kit and the baby is mine, do you think that this should have any impact on me staying or divorcing my wife? Ultimately, I believe the baby is mine. However, the fact that there is even a 1% chance that the baby is not mine is horrible.


----------



## bandit.45

Okay enough of your parents. What about your WW. Is she showing true remorse? Has she completely cut off the OM? Or do you just avoid her? What is the living situation like. 

Don't talk about your moron parents anymore. Put them behind you. You have a marriage that's benn bombed to hell.

Buba....be a man. Follow your gut. What do you want out of life? What will serve Buba's best interests ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Imagine living like this for the next, say, 20 years. It'll be a hell of your own chosing.


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## Chaparral

Buba said:


> If I get a DNA kit and the baby is mine, do you think that this should have any impact on me staying or divorcing my wife? Ultimately, I believe the baby is mine. However, the fact that there is even a 1% chance that the baby is not mine is horrible.


I would dump her no matter what. She never considered you number one. God only knows why she married you. Maybe she thinks What you don't know won't hurt you? Is she begging you not to divorce her?


----------



## Buba

bandit.45 said:


> Okay enough of your parents. What about your WW. Is she showing true remorse? Has she completely cut off the OM? Or do you just avoid her? What is the living situation like.
> 
> Don't talk about your moron parents anymore. Put them behind you. You have a marriage that's benn bombed to hell.
> 
> Buba....be a man. Follow your gut. What do you want out of life? What will serve Buba's best interests ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am avoiding her at all costs right now. A few days after she told me, I said I wanted a divorce and she seemed to agree to it. She even handed me her ring (which I threw on the ground and she is now wearing again). However, next time I brought it up, she said she would "not let me" divorce her and that she loves me too much. As far as I can tell she is no longer in contact with the OM. However, this is impossible for me to know. He lives in a different state and all I can tell is that they are not talking over the phone.

As far as what I want, I am pretty sure I want a divorce. Hard to stay with someone who cheated for five years and did so many horrible things to me. Not sure why I cant make up my mind for sure though.


----------



## ThePheonix

Regardless of the "good" intentions, you're the one that's going to live with a woman who doesn't give a rats azz about you if you follow their advise. You don't have to look very far to find plenty of parents whose advice and actions screw the kids up and have them living a life of misery. Make no mistake about it Dawg; a woman who has the hots for other guys has no romantic interest, love or respect for the guy she's yoked to. You've spent the last five years taking care of the cow while unknowingly providing this cat with free milk. Time to get out of the dairy business my man.


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## DavidWYoung

Well, I was going to give you my take on this but "BobSimmons" pretty well covered everything and more! End this problem, walk away from this "Bit$h, Take three day's and grieve for the waste of time and money that you spent on said person and then come up with a plan on what you are going to do to live your life from now on. You can be happy or sad, it is going to be up to you. None of this is your fault, just learn from it and start your new life. Just my 2 cents David


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## PhillyGuy13

The choice to divorce or reconcile is ultimately yours to make. If it was me, I couldn't stay with her. She says she loves you too much to divorce you. Someone please diagram where on the love scale "love you too much to divorce" but doesn't "love you too much not to cheat for five years" falls.

The DNA test is to give you a small bit of peace of mind in regard to the child's parentage. Since she has been cheating since before day 1, you cannot be 100% confident that the child is yours. DNA test will give you that confidence and eliminate that doubt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Phenix70

Buba said:


> I am 31. I think I do look for my parents approval but that I will ultimately do what I want. *It does make me second guess myself though. *
> 
> I have received two other types of advice from my friends and the rest of my family: 1. Divorce her now; 2. They cant tell me what I need to do but will support me either way.
> 
> My parents are actually the only ones who have said flat out that I need to stay with her.


Don't second guess yourself based upon the approval/disapproval of your parents, they are just as flawed, if not more than you are. 
Children tend to place their parents on pedestals...that's a dangerous place to be, up on that pedestal, because it's a long way to fall. 
You get one life, you've got to live it according to the way YOU want to live it, not according to what makes your parents happy.
No one, not even your wife, can make the decision to divorce for you, only you can chose to stay or leave.
You absolutely do not have to make the choice rightthissecond, but you should at the very least go see an atty next week to see what your options are.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I'm going to be extremely blunt because that doubt is creeping in.


Buba said:


> If I get a DNA kit and the baby is mine, do you think that this should have any impact on me staying or divorcing my wife? Ultimately, I believe the baby is mine. However, the fact that there is even a 1% chance that the baby is not mine is horrible.


Actually, honestly, the DNA test is small IMO. It pales, in comparison to the fact she was having sex with this guy YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. Your entire marriage was a lie. Most of your dating period was a lie. 
The DNA test, positive or negative, is just icing on the cake. 

Let's take emotion out of the equation just for a second.
If the child is yours she was living a lie with you and *YOUR *child. If the child isn't yours she was living a lie with you and *HIS* child. See how there really isn't a logical difference. She's an untrustworthy liar end of story. She and the OM mutually made a decision to ruin two families. Then your wife decided to bring a baby into this mess, which was a TERRIBLY monstrously selfish decision..

Emotionally, I understand not wanting to split your biological son, if yours, from his mother or ruining his home. I get that 100%, but this isn't a drunken one night stand, this isn't blackmail, this isn't coercion and this isn't a mistake. This isn't a father working too much, neglecting his wife, abuse or some other issues which may seem to lead to an affair. I'm not excusing or saying any of the above reasons are correct, but with some of those I can see why people reconcile.

Yours I do not see at all, unless you are scared to be alone. Over 5 years of lies, cover ups, hiding, misdirection and now you have to question everything she ever told you including your child. Think about that, 1% is too much of a question of your child's identity. You do not know if she said "I do" to you, or was she imagining the OM up there wishing it was him.


----------



## Graywolf2

Buba said:


> If I get a DNA kit and the baby is mine, do you think that this should have any impact on me staying or divorcing my wife?


None at all. If the kid isn’t yours it would just be more proof of an affair and the biological father should be notified.



Buba said:


> Ultimately, I believe the baby is mine. However, the fact that there is even a 1% chance that the baby is not mine is horrible.


Exactly. This is something that should be put to rest now.



What would make me want to get a divorce is that she never gave your marriage a chance. Having sex with someone the night of your bachelor party makes your wedding ceremony a joke.



Buba said:


> However, next time I brought it up, she said she would "not let me" divorce her and that she loves me too much. As far as I can tell she is no longer in contact with the OM. However, this is impossible for me to know.


Think about it. After five years and the birth of a child this is the first time she has taken your marriage seriously and ended contact with the OM. And as you said you can't even be sure she has ended contact.


----------



## rustytheboyrobot

Hmm..

Do you even feel like you know who she is?

I mean who is she?

If you even think about reconciliation you need to realize that the woman you are thinking about is not anyone you even know. You never did. So given the things you now know are true about this pod-person who is the mother of your child is this someone you want to try to start a real (and brand new) relationship with?


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## harrybrown

File for divorce now. 

You are young. You have a long time ahead of you.

I do agree on the DNA test.

How would your wife feel if you had a five year affair on her? 

This is not a one night stand. Put the OM on cheaterville.

Your wife has no feelings for you. She lied when she was caught.


----------



## bandit.45

There is no way she will give up the OM. Five years? No. They will lay low a while and pick back up later on. She is way too invested in him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Buba

Reconciliation or Divorce is a big decision. 

Take some time for your emotions to settle before you make such a big decision.

In the meantime do a few things:

Separate your finances so your $$$ are secure.
Go see an attorney so you know your rights.

But most importantly have a DNA test to determine if you are your sons father. Do this first to put your mind at ease.

HM


----------



## jim123

Buba said:


> I am avoiding her at all costs right now. A few days after she told me, I said I wanted a divorce and she seemed to agree to it. She even handed me her ring (which I threw on the ground and she is now wearing again). However, next time I brought it up, she said she would "not let me" divorce her and that she loves me too much. As far as I can tell she is no longer in contact with the OM. However, this is impossible for me to know. He lives in a different state and all I can tell is that they are not talking over the phone.
> 
> As far as what I want, I am pretty sure I want a divorce. Hard to stay with someone who cheated for five years and did so many horrible things to me. Not sure why I cant make up my mind for sure though.


At first she did not want to give up OM. Since he has not left his wife for her, she is going with Plan B, you.

See an attorney asap and get the facts.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

bandit.45 said:


> There is no way she will give up the OM. Five years? No. They will lay low a while and pick back up later on. She is way too invested in him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A wedding and a baby didn't stop them, I doubt a confession, a promise of reconciliation, and an outing on Facebook will either.


----------



## Graywolf2

jim123 said:


> At first she did not want to give up OM. Since he has not left his wife for her, she is going with Plan B, you.
> 
> See an attorney asap and get the facts.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## GusPolinski

Buba said:


> *If I get a DNA kit and the baby is mine, do you think that this should have any impact on me staying or divorcing my wife?* Ultimately, I believe the baby is mine. However, the fact that there is even a 1% chance that the baby is not mine is horrible.


Dude. No. Hell no. Sh*t no. F*ck no. NO.

She's been f*cking this guy since BEFORE you were married and has continued to do so for your ENTIRE marriage. Even if your kid winds up being yours (don't get me wrong, I hope he/she is), that won't change this fact.

And actually, the word "marriage" technically shouldn't even apply to your relationship. Sure, she may have had a marriage, but did you? IMO no. She was unfaithful THE ENTIRE TIME. You never really had a wife. 

Actually, technically speaking, the only period of time in which she was (physically) faithful was the time between speaking her vows and the first time she slept w/ OM post-vows. Do you know when this occurred? Not that it matters...


----------



## Buba

GusPolinski said:


> Dude. No. Hell no. Sh*t no. F*ck no. NO.
> 
> She's been f*cking this guy since BEFORE you were married and has continued to do so for your ENTIRE marriage. Even if your kid winds up being yours (don't get me wrong, I hope he/she is), that won't change this fact.
> 
> And actually, the word "marriage" technically shouldn't even apply to your relationship. Sure, she may have had a marriage, but did you? IMO no. She was unfaithful THE ENTIRE TIME. You never really had a wife.
> 
> Actually, technically speaking, the only period of time in which she was (physically) faithful was the time between speaking her vows and the first time she slept w/ OM post-vows. Do you know when this occurred? Not that it matters...


A few months I assume. From what the OM wife told me, they got married around the same time me and my wife did. The OM told his wife that they continued the affair as soon as he got back from his honeymoon.


----------



## bandit.45

That's inconsequential. 

What we are all trying to get from you is why on earth you would even think reconciling with this evil woman would even be an option?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Buba

I actually talked to the OM's wife a couple of days ago. She said that she had moved out recently while he went on a vacation with a few of his friends. He sounds really classy. She said he actually got really drunk one night and started to compare my wife vs. his wife and how they were in bed. She said this was the tipping point for her and made her realize that her husband was a true POS.


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## Ripper

Get a DNA test for the baby. That fear you have of knowing the answer will be nothing compared to a lifetime of doubts.

You never had a marriage. The fact you are considering staying is incomprehensible to me.

The level of deceit and treachery this woman has displayed has me wondering if she was trained by the KGB.


----------



## BjornFree

There's no shame in walking away, buba. Yours was just a marriage on paper. The woman you have for a wife would rather fvck the OM, that's the truth of the matter. So she's wearing her ring, so she deleted her facebook, so what? This woman humiliated you and no one not even the woman you love is worth your dignity. Walk. Get a DNA test. Tryust me, its better to know now than always wonder.

If he is indeed your son, you can still have a wonderful relationship with him and not be married to the mother. if he's not your son, what you do is entirely up to you but if it were me I'd walk away, no shame in it at all.


----------



## GusPolinski

Just had a thought re: something from your original post...



> We have been married since 2009 and recently had a baby less than a year ago.


Find out how long you have within your state to contest paternity. If it's a year (isn't that the standard in most places?), she may be trying to keep you on the hook JUST LONG ENOUGH so that any opportunity for you to contest paternity is exhausted. Look into this. That she initially agreed to divorce and then changed her mind makes me wonder about whether or not this is something that she considered...

And, again, DNA your kid ASAP. Seriously. Like, 5 minutes ago yesterday. Last week.


----------



## ThePheonix

Buba said:


> Not sure why I cant make up my mind for sure though.


Here's the thing Buba. A mistake a lot of guys in your shoes make is they consider how attached they feel (i.e. love their wife). What is vital to consider is how their wife felt about them when she's meeting up with another guy. When a woman wants to be with another guy, she ain't exactly in love with her husband. Her romantic interest is now focused on someone else. Bottom line is your wife hasn't thought enough of you to keep her away from this guy even during your honeymoon phase of the marriage.
Anyway you cut it, she has deficiency in her love and comment that will not improve. Chances are, and Ive seen it a number of times, she not going to be able to stay away from this guy regardless of who she's with. Its really not you. This guy is her real love no matter what she or anybody else says. She will never love to a point that will erase the thoughts of him.


----------



## Decorum

Buba said:


> She said this was the tipping point for her and made her realize that her husband was a true POS.


What is your tipping point?



BTW...

She wanted to have his baby and let you raise it, its not that uncommon, DNA the kid.


----------



## tom67

Decorum said:


> What is your tipping point?
> 
> 
> 
> BTW...
> 
> She wanted to have his baby and let you raise it, its not that uncommon, DNA the kid.


:iagree:
You have to do the test for your own sanity.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

The other man moved off the continent and they still didn't stop the affair. Oh and watch how your wife acts, if she doesn't already know, when she finds out the OM's marriage is over.
Edit:
Have you even monitored their contact at all? If you are this confused you should see if they are still in contact. I mean real monitoring not you checked her Facebook, computer and phone.


----------



## ThePheonix

phillybeffandswiss said:


> The other man moved off the continent and they still didn't stop the affair. Oh and watch how your wife acts, if she doesn't already know, when she finds out the OM's marriage is over.
> Edit:
> Have you even monitored their contact at all? If you are this confused you should see if they are still in contact. I mean real monitoring not you checked her Facebook, computer and phone.


With all the other possibilities, why does a man even want a woman where distance is the only thing that keeps her from the other man?


----------



## GusPolinski

ThePheonix said:


> With all the other possibilities, why does a man even want a woman where distance is the only thing that keeps her from the other man?


No doubt.


----------



## Nucking Futs

GusPolinski said:


> Just had a thought re: something from your original post...
> 
> 
> 
> Find out how long you have within your state to contest paternity. If it's a year (isn't that the standard in most places?), she may be trying to keep you on the hook JUST LONG ENOUGH so that any opportunity for you to contest paternity is exhausted. Look into this. That she initially agreed to divorce and then changed her mind makes me wonder about whether or not this is something that she considered...
> 
> And, again, DNA your kid ASAP. Seriously. Like, 5 minutes ago yesterday. Last week.


If your state is one in which you can contest paternity I'd go ahead and file the contest before getting the dna results back. Don't miss the opportunity to get clear of paying 18 years of child support for the other mans child. Let him pay for it.

If the dna results show he's your child then you can withdraw the petition.


----------



## vellocet

Buba said:


> I actually met the OM a few times. Last time I saw him, I felt really uneasy around him and confronted my wife about their relationship. She called me crazy and got angry.



Typical cheater OM/OW protectionism bullsh!t. The fact she got angry and called you crazy tells me she needs to pack her things and doesn't deserve to be married.

I can't imagine cheating on someone, then having the audacity to get angry at them when they go looking for answers after what I did. I'd be one humble contrite SOB. Not a defensive angry entitled pr!ck.




> I still asked that she not be friends with him anymore



That should be a bare minimum requirement and she should want to do this voluntarily IF she had any interest in attempting to make things right.




> Unfortunately, i am completely torn now. My wife initially said she would move forward with a divorce but is now pleading for me back and saying that she made a mistake. I have a strong feeling there are other men I do not know about.


Trust your gut, its usually right. But I'd say the fact that you have to ask her to quit being friends with a man she rode while married to you, and her getting defensive when you want answers, then this marriage probably should end.

But that is up to you. If you decide to keep her, then stand up and do not let her walk all over you. Anything less than a humble and remorseful wife, then you should be getting papers drawn up.




> I cannot even look at my wife but love my kid and am afraid that i will lose custody/contact if i file for divorce.


Oh you will. The mother will get custody if she wants it unless you have something tangible on her like drug use, abuse of the kids or something. Unfortunately, being a cheating POS that risks the well being of her children isn't enough in the eyes of the court to get a loving and fit father custody.




> Soon after i found out about the affair, i turned to my parents for support and told them that i could not picture getting back with my wife. Since then, they have been somewhat confrontational with me and insist that i get back with her. The way they explain it, i would not be a real man and would not be taking care of my kid if i divorced and insist that I stay in the same house with her.



WTF???? You are not a real man for your kids if you want to divorce her, but she is a real woman for cheating on you, risking their well being, and putting you in that position in the first place??

I suppose it wouldn't matter that their son would be miserable???




> They are still in constant contact with her and even bring her dinner every once in a while. I had to request that i be included on all text messages they send to each other as I felt they were trying to manipulate me.


OMG! That would settle it for me right there. I'd divorce and disown my parents. Wow, just wow. To side with a wh0re against their own son who did nothing wrong? Wow. I am so sorry you have to put up with this.

As if being betrayed by your wife isn't bad enough, now you are being betrayed by your own parents.


----------



## harrybrown

I hope you filed already for divorce.

Tell your wife about the OM"s divorce and have her go live with him.


----------



## vellocet

Buba said:


> This seems exactly like my parents as well. My Mom seems more open to me doing what I want but holds back since she knows my Dad has a strong view on the subject.


Uh huh, I wonder what your dad would think if he walked in on your mom and another man going to town.

Think he'd change his tune then? I am still in amazement that he thinks you wouldn't be a real man if you decided to divorce the skank over this.

What is he thinking?? That you should be miserable and look at her disgusting face for the rest of your life because HE thinks you wouldn't be a man?

You need to have it out with him and tell him that it was HER that risked their well being by spreading her legs for another man.

And no, it wouldn't matter to me regarding whether or not to divorce if you find out your child is yours. But if you find out otherwise, FIRST consult an attorney as to your rights. You may still be required to pay child support anyway, but you need to get ahead of the game.

Second, after first consulting an attorney, I'd take the DNA results, if the child is not yours, make a copy, then wad it up and throw it in your father's face, and tell him you hope losing his son was worth his ridiculous stance that his son cuckold himself.


----------



## Decorum

Maybe you should DNA your dad as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Buba said:


> A few months I assume. From what the OM wife told me, they got married around the same time me and my wife did. The OM told his wife that they continued the affair as soon as he got back from his honeymoon.


 I partially agree with H64, you do need to calm down and relax, but not to think about reconciliation.

This is disgusting on so many levels.

Sorry, but what type of effed up people did you and the other spouse marry? They were both single, both of these people could have dumped each of you to be together, but they married and carried on like nothing changed.

Oh and we're all goose stepping about the parent issue. I'd ask my parents which one of them, or their parents, cheated and remained together for the children. Minus religion, their reaction is over the top namely your dad. Therapy? Now, that sounds like he triggered to me.


----------



## carpenoctem

*Buba,

**Your Dad is virtually playing the role of your WW’s toxic friend.

Your Mom is almost an enabler. So are you in effect - an enabler.

Along with your son, you might need to DNA test your father, to figure out whether cuckoldry / paternity fraud has visited your family this time around, or has revisited it.

The OM has long ago reduced you to his cat house keeper, with the active collusion of your eponymous ‘wife’.

I am positively cynical that if you guys manage to go for MC, the MC also would turn out to be a rug-sweeper par excellence, and pile on one more level of emasculation on you, on top of the humongous load you already are bearing.*

*What sado-masochist sense of nobility is spurring you even to think of continuing in / trying to repair this sham marriage? Or is it fear of the unknown / change? Or the disapproval of Captain Clueless (your father)? Or are you emotionally blackmailing yourself with your son?*

*What do you ‘reconcile’ to? Status quo ante (pre-marriage)? But you never really had a ‘marriage’. (For that matter, even ‘divorce’ does not sound apropos, since you never had a real marriage).*

*You indeed ARE looking to salvage a non-existent black cat in a dark room, Buba.*




Please escape from this marital fraud that has gone on for far too long. PLEASE.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> (pre-marriage)? But you never really had a ‘marriage’. (For that matter, even ‘divorce’ does not sound apropos, since you never had a real marriage).[/B]


See, he may have never had a legit dating relationship because he only knows when the physical cheating started. Buba has no clue, she's an established liar, when the OM and his wife emotionally connected.
You can't even go back to the dating point, where he may be comfortable, because that is tainted as well.


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## mahike

Bubba sorry you are here my friend. This is the sht end of the stick. First of all lets take Mom and Dad out of the equation. You are not going to R or D them

First of all regardless of R or D, file for the D your wife has disrespected you for five years and she is doing it now. She needs to know that you are ready to end the Marriage.

Take the rings back. Lock them up someplace, let her think you tossed them. You are plan B my friend that POS OM was her plan A

Get the DNA test done and find out. You do not need that hanging over your head.

Tell your wife you need her to go get an STD test and you need the results.

Get into IC for your self and find out where your feelings go and how she reacts.

As far as Mom and Dad you tell Dad that if Mom screwed another man for 5 years you will listen to his advice but if that answer is no. Sorry Dad I respect you but you have no idea what I am dealing with


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## the guy

Buba said:


> started to compare my wife vs. his wife and how they were in bed.


You should have found out how true this comparison really is and slept with OMW....:lol:

Then when you guys were done you could have told OMW that her husband was again lying to her....no matter what it might make the OMW feel a little better thinking she was better in bed then your WW!


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## Buba

Decorum said:


> What is your tipping point?
> 
> 
> 
> BTW...
> 
> She wanted to have his baby and let you raise it, its not that uncommon, DNA the kid.


Pretty sure my tipping point was when I learned of the extent of the affair. Right when I found out the truth about the affair from talking to the OMW, I pretty much knew that I did not want to live with my wife anymore and could never forgive her. 

I know that I am still living in the same house right now, but I am still kind of in shock about the whole thing. Two months ago, I thought I had a great life with a house, a faithful wife, and extended family.


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## phillybeffandswiss

As long as no one else knew your extended family is still cool. Don't let your wife's actions taint everyone else, unless they show you they deserve your scorn.


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## PhillyGuy13

Buba said:


> Pretty sure my tipping point was when I learned of the extent of the affair. Right when I found out the truth about the affair from talking to the OMW, I pretty much knew that I did not want to live with my wife anymore and could never forgive her.
> 
> I know that I am still living in the same house right now, but I am still kind of in shock about the whole thing. Two months ago, I thought I had a great life with a house, a faithful wife, and extended family.


Make sure you eat, and sleep. Get that DNA test done. I'm sure the thought of having to do this makes you sick--but give yourself the peace of mind. You can still be a good father if you want to regardless of the results- but that is a choice you should make and not have it thrusted upon you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados

Can't add any more advice then all that's been given, but I have a question. You said you had no clue she was cheating, but in your first post you also said that they "went on vacations together".

How is that possible ?


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## sammy7111

do what you feels right. but for me that r crap Is a lie. you can never truly r you may learn to leave with it but It well eat you up inside.


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## Buba

barbados said:


> Can't add any more advice then all that's been given, but I have a question. You said you had no clue she was cheating, but in your first post you also said that they "went on vacations together".
> 
> How is that possible ?


I learned about the vacations after I found out about the affair (when I contacted the OMW). Basically, there were a few "girls vacations" where she would meet up with him while out with her friends. Also, there were a few fake work trips. After finding this out, I assume that all of her work trips were actually trips to meet up with him.


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## tom67

Buba said:


> I learned about the vacations after I found out about the affair (when I contacted the OMW). Basically, there were a few "girls vacations" where she would meet up with him while out with her friends. Also, there were a few fake work trips. After finding this out, I assume that all of her work trips were actually trips to meet up with him.


Geez sorry man.
Why didn't they leave you two and just get married?
Sorry


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## Buba

tom67 said:


> Geez sorry man.
> Why didn't they leave you two and just get married?
> Sorry


I asked myself this too. I assume half the fun was that they were cheating. Also, they probably realized that they could not trust each other.


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## WhiteRaven

There was never a marriage. It was an entrapment. OM doesn't want to break his marriage but still wants to f*ck the OW. OP comes into the picture. OW figures him out as a naive, loyal, hardworking guy who'll pay the bills. OM greenlights the entrapment. 

What was the role of the OP in this godawful mess? A spare d!ck, an ATM, a caretaker. *But never a husband*.


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## tom67

WhiteRaven said:


> There was never a marriage. It was an entrapment. OM doesn't want to break his marriage but still wants to f*ck the OW. OP comes into the picture. OW figures him out as a naive, loyal, hardworking guy who'll pay the bills. OM greenlights the entrapment.
> 
> What was the role of the OP in this godawful mess? A spare d!ck, an ATM, a caretaker. *But never a husband*.


Exactly the classic "beta provider"
I hate, really hate to say this but buy some DNA kits.
Get a shark lawyer.


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## barbados

Buba said:


> I learned about the vacations after I found out about the affair (when I contacted the OMW). Basically, there were a few "girls vacations" where she would meet up with him while out with her friends. Also, there were a few fake work trips. After finding this out, I assume that all of her work trips were actually trips to meet up with him.


That just sucks ! Sorry Bro


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## vellocet

buba, I wonder what your parents would say if you said, "ok, I'll stay with her. but now I get the same courtesy as she got. I get to go out and bone other women...and the two of you can just STFU about it"


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## Disenchanted

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