# Reality sucks!



## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

It really sucks when your wife whom for 12 years would ALWAYS come and give you a kiss goodbye, or be upset if you didnt give her one, and always said "I love you". All of the sudden that is all gone. She doesnt even look at me anymore when I am home, nor says a word when she leaves. For those of you that do not know my story, I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for almost 11. She has had 2 affairs in the past that I thought was behind us, and now she is very deep in the third, to the point where she really wants to be with this man. I know that I deserve better for my 4 children and myself. I know that I have to tell her that she has to leave and I want a divorce, but man is it tough when you have it made, we dont have money problems, we have vehicles, atv's, camper, take a ton of vacations, and she is a stay at home Mom that homeschools our 4 kids. I am a mortgage banker that makes great money. It hasnt been a walk in the park since the first 2 affairs, but this one is truly killing the marriage! I wish that there was a magic spell that could make it all better, or that one of these days I would wake up thinking that I just had a bad dream and it was true. Reality says that's not true and I am only lying to myself for even letting that thought enter my mind. We went camping over Easter and my wife kept texting and texting this guy, I finally came up to her and asked her to please stop as we are on a family camping trip with friends that are like family. She replied that it was none of my business who she was texting and that I need to leave her alone because I always think she is cheating. She gave me her phone and smiled, of course it has a password on it that she would not give me, so I got to the point where I said "ok" and smashed the phone, which turned into a huge argument. Up until now she always said that divorce is never an option. But now she is very dilusional that this is her hero that is saving her from her awful life of doing whatever she wants when she wants too. I even adopted her 2 kids from her previous marriage a few years ago. Sometime this weekend I have to sit her down and tell her that I am not a bad husband nor father, as a matter of fact I was very good to her (even though she cant see it because she is in a fog and has to make me out to be a terrible person). But I know about the affair and that I think divorce is the right option at this point, the only way that I could ever see myself with her again is with a lot of counseling and for her to not ever contact this person again! We had it made!!! Damn reality sucks!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Before you confront her, see a lawyer. Go to Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com and read the forums. You need to protect yourself and your children.

Good luck.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Don't ask her - tell her.

I know you said "tell" but this can't be an optional position for you. Did you read those threads in Almostrecovered's signature? You're only chance - and it sounds like a slim one - is for you to really be prepared to divorce if she doesn't drop this OM and pull her head out of her ass. If you're bluffing she'll know it and it will only make your position and chances that much worse. How will she know it? She believes she has nothing to lose so she's playing that way. As someone with nothing to lose it's not hard to spot someone who's afraid - she'll smell it in you if you don't really mean it. I'd go see an attorney first just to get an understanding of what your options really are for divorce and custody. When you confront her she's going to go nuts on you. If you're not prepared and have what you know if solid info she'll buffalo you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You don't have it made, all you have is material crap. When you come back and tell me you have a wonder wife then you can say you have it made.

I would gladly have a so-so life in terms of money and material crap that I can't take with me when I die, if I you give me a great wife and kids, which I have right now. I do well enough and don't have to worry about money right now (knock on wood) so I have the best of both worlds.

But i would throw the money and material items away to have a happy wife & kids in a heart beat. And I would throw the wife away to have happy kids if she should ever cheat and want another man.

Wait all you want, even if she gets over this guy, she's gonna do it again. If she didn't stop after the 1st affair she's never gonna stop and you're allowing her to do it.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Listen Tin. If you are in Phoenix,(Which I guess from your username, but could be wrong) and you have proof, File for divorce now, for cause. (AZ still has for cause divorce for adultery from what I have been told). Expose this woman and go through with a divorce. She has cheated on you multiple times now and is clearly "broken". You can do better both for you and your children. 

I am sorry you are here and hurting. I suspect your you were too weak with the previous affair. Please respect yourself and set a proper model for the 4 kids.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

TINPX, if you haven't figured it out, you have indicated you have a history of financing her and her stud's affairs. You are presently doing it again. I can assure you that if you continue to do so, you will eventually become so disenchanted with other people, nobody will be able to be around you.
Dump her!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Talk is cheap,word won't work, it is action my friend and the 180 that you need to impliment.
The affair fog is strong and anything you say to her in her mind while just validate her dilusional mind that she is doing the right thing.

Take the action by showing indifference and distance your self emotionaly, cut off all account and do your own shopping for the kids, and file for a divorce and get her served, and expose the affair, spend more time with the kids without her.

The point here is to show your wife the reality of her choices.

The sooner she starts feeling the consequences the better.

Until you make this affair as inconvienent and uncomfortable as possible the better chance she gets out of the fog.

To recap;
expose the A to OMW if he's single expose to his perents
emotional protect your self with the 180
finacially protect your self with stopping all accounts(especialy her cell.
protect your kids with a moral clause that prevent OM around your kids.

The sooner you start pushing her a way the closer she will get to the reality of her unhealthy dicisions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until OM is out of the picture you are in a losing position.

IMHO 3 stricks and she's out, but thats easy for me to say!


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> You don't have it made, all you have is material crap. When you come back and tell me you have a wonder wife then you can say you have it made.
> 
> I would gladly have a so-so life in terms of money and material crap that I can't take with me when I die, if I you give me a great wife and kids, which I have right now. I do well enough and don't have to worry about money right now (knock on wood) so I have the best of both worlds.
> 
> ...


I agree and well said.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.. and I'm talking about you, OP.

She's all in-your-face with it because she learned you will suck it up and be there for her no matter what. Admit your way of dealing with infidelity didn't work before, and STOP DOING IT.

File.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Three times, buddy. THREE TIMES.

I say this with a deep amount of sympathy, you are in your own fantasy about your "marriage." Your wife has been carrying on a secret private life for so long, and has lied to you for SO long, and has not shared her inmost secrets with you for so long, that you don't know her any more at all. You just are under the illusion that you do.

You apparently gave her all the money and wonderful STUFF in the world. The money and stuff didn't cut it. You can wonder and wonder why not, but the answer is that she is very self-entitled. She wants it ALL. She wants a sugar daddy (you) and a boy-toy (him).

As I said in your other thread, it's hard for a spouse with children to give up on the dream of the family. You are close to frantic to preserving it "for the kids." You don't want them to suffer.

Why can't you see how damaging it is for your children to live with a woman who lives and breaths and eats lies? I find that TERRIFYING. PLEASE think of your children first. You are deluding yourself when you think that you are protecting them my maintaining a relationship with a woman who is SO PROFOUNDLY DISRESPECTFUL to you. Kids are smart; they see this. If they have any respect for you now, it won't be long before theirs will be gone, too.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

your enabling her.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

TINPHX said:


> I even adopted her 2 kids from her previous marriage a few years ago.


You adopted her kids AFTER she had 2 affairs?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Like others have said.....

Three Strikes and YEEERRR OOUUUTTTTTT!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's
2. Expose the affair to the OM's spouse or girlfriend
3. See a lawyer now.

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Clearly there was no consequences to her other sexual affairs so their was no reason for boundaries.

She has been playing you for a fool and clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? If the roles had been reversed I doubt she would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been . Enough is enough!


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

keko said:


> You adopted her kids AFTER she had 2 affairs?


Yes I adopter the kids after the 2 affairs, I am their Father, they are not the villians in this, they are the victims in this. They need someone stable in their lives, which is why I have tried to be that stable presence! I know what needs to be done, just the reflecting on what once was is very disheartening.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Although your action's defy common sense, I applaud you for your goodheart.

Do you have proof of physical affair or just texting? For the last one.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TINPHX said:


> I even adopted her 2 kids from her previous marriage a few years ago. Sometime this weekend I have to sit her down and tell her that I am not a bad husband nor father, as a matter of fact I was very good to her (even though she cant see it because she is in a fog and has to make me out to be a terrible person). But I know about the affair and that I think divorce is the right option at this point, the only way that I could ever see myself with her again is with a lot of counseling and for her to not ever contact this person again!


 Your wife has had 3 affairs that you know of in 12 years of marriage. Even got pregnant from one of them. Her first affair was after only 1 year of marraige. Yet you had children with her, adopted her 2 children (making you responsible for child support), and let her be a stay at home mom (maximum alimony). Was it your goal to insure that when you two did divorce that you would be stuck with as much alimony and child support that you possible could?

What is really amazing is that even after all this, you would still take her back if all she did was say she would go to counseling and agree to "not ever contact this person again". Why would she need to contact this person again when OM number 4 is out there waiting to meet her? Sorry you are beyond help. You will never learn and you will never know the joy of really being married. 

Fool you once shame on her. Fool you twice shame on you. Fool you more than that and you deserve what you get.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

She is obviously a serial cheater and will not stop at #3...unless you are willing to look the other way, you need to divorce her as fast as you can.
She is playing you and has no regard for your marriage. 

Smashing the phone made me laugh so hard!!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

TINPHX said:


> Yes I adopter the kids after the 2 affairs, I am their Father, they are not the villians in this, they are the victims in this. They need someone stable in their lives, which is why I have tried to be that stable presence!


I admire that.



TINPHX said:


> I know what needs to be done, just the reflecting on what once was is very disheartening.


Your dragging your feet. It's not changing. She's broken. Take action. You are a Father. They are watching for your example. You can not continue to shield her from the natural consequences or her choices.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> She is obviously a serial cheater and will not stop at #3...unless you are willing to look the other way, you need to divorce her as fast as you can.
> She is playing you and has no regard for your marriage.
> 
> Smashing the phone made me laugh so hard!!!


TINPHX,

If you want to divorce her with minimal amount of financial impact on you, get in touch with an attorney/accountant. Learn ways to sell family assets that wont lead to her getting a penny. You can do these under the guise of "having too many bad memories in this house, I want to start anew/fresh life, etc." Anything that your wife wouldn't be suspicious of. Take your time and play your cards right.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry this is so disheartening, but you will get through this and I have a feeling your WW is in for a big suprise, I have a feeling she has no idea about " what needs to be done" so keep your cards close and don't reveal your hand.

My point is she has a mind set that you will do what you always do and as she laughs it up with the OM about your old weakness you will be preparing and planning. The new TINPHX is coming out of his own fog, and your wife won't know what hit her.

Please take care of you self and eat, gets some sleep and see a doctor. 

You are not alone and even though we are faceless strangers, we here at TAM/CWI care more about you then your STBXW ever will.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

TRy said:


> Your wife has had 3 affairs that you know of in 12 years of marriage. Even got pregnant from one of them. Her first affair was after only 1 year of marraige. Yet you had children with her, adopted her 2 children (making you responsible for child support), and let her be a stay at home mom (maximum alimony). Was it your goal to insure that when you two did divorce that you would be stuck with as much alimony and child support that you possible could?
> 
> What is really amazing is that even after all this, you would still take her back if all she did was say she would go to counseling and agree to "not ever contact this person again". Why would she need to contact this person again when OM number 4 is out there waiting to meet her? Sorry you are beyond help. You will never learn and you will never know the joy of really being married.
> 
> Fool you once shame on her. Fool you twice shame on you. Fool you more than that and you deserve what you get.


I'm currently a stay at home mom with two kids, been so for 14 years, with the exception of some teaching at a preschool. I'm currently trying to find a job, but the employment gap in my resume is killing me. Are you saying I'm better off not getting a job right now if we end up divorcing? I feel scared, like I'll be living in a tent if we divorce. I don't even have money on my own for a lawyer. His family has money and MIL would turn things ugly in spite of how it would impact her grandchildren. I do live in a state I can file adultery. We're trying, but it's been pretty rocky.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I'm currently a stay at home mom with two kids, been so for 14 years, with the exception of some teaching at a preschool. I'm currently trying to find a job, but the employment gap in my resume is killing me. Are you saying I'm better off not getting a job right now if we end up divorcing? I feel scared, like I'll be living in a tent if we divorce. I don't even have money on my own for a lawyer. His family has money and MIL would turn things ugly in spite of how it would impact her grandchildren. I do live in a state I can file adultery. We're trying, but it's been pretty rocky.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> I'm currently a stay at home mom with two kids, been so for 14 years, with the exception of some teaching at a preschool. I'm currently trying to find a job, but the employment gap in my resume is killing me. Are you saying I'm better off not getting a job right now if we end up divorcing? I feel scared, like I'll be living in a tent if we divorce. I don't even have money on my own for a lawyer. His family has money and MIL would turn things ugly in spite of how it would impact her grandchildren. I do live in a state I can file adultery. We're trying, but it's been pretty rocky.


The answer to your questions depend on a lot of things. Two of them are....

What state do you live in?

What education beyond high school do you have?

So as to not highjack this thread, you should open your own thread on this topic. Then people can brain storm with you to give you some direction.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The answer to your questions depend on a lot of things. Two of them are....
> 
> What state do you live in?
> 
> ...


Georgia, almost 2 years of college.
I've applied to 31 jobs so far and have got nothing. I feel like I've really screwed myself, but you don't go into a marriage and kids thinking 17 years down the road you're gonna find out half of it was a lie. I won't let my girls make my mistakes.


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