# Are you separated/divorced with TEENS? Can you please share your custody schedule and how it works for you?



## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

I have 2 teens. They have been moving back and forth every week for the past year. "Moving day" is very stressful for everyone, but generally I like the schedule. It allows me to have 1 week with kids where I spend a LOT of time with them, then 1 week without kids where I catch up on the rest of my life. My ex and 1 kid (possibly both kids) would seem to prefer to switch back and forth every 2 weeks, rather than every 1 week. The prime benefit is that we cut the number of "moving days" in half. But I am hesitant to want to give this a try, for several reasons: My weeks with kids are stressful because I am the parent who enforces rules, bedtimes, internet limits, etc and I get a LOT of resistance on this. My ex will not change his laxness with rules, and I will not suddenly allow my kids to play online all day and night. I also have another half of my life that I'm trying to live that involves work and other personal activities that I don't have time for when kids are here. So it's about balancing my own life too.

I see a lot of info online about different types of schedules, but I am having a hard time finding any discussions from real people living these schedules, specifically parents of teens.

What I REALLY want to know is, if you have a 50:50 custody schedule, what do you do, and how does it work for you and your family? What do you like about your schedule? What do you not like about your schedule.

Thanks!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I watched my grandchildren deal with one week with each parent for years until they reached the age they could choose. The moment they could, they chose one parent to live with and saw the other every other weekend. They just never adjusted to one week with each parent and once they became teenagers it was really difficult for them. The complaint I heard most often was that their parents each had one home but they had two homes and were constantly switching every week so they never felt they belonged anywhere. And they especially hated transition day between houses. 

Once they moved in with one parent (around the age of 14 in my state) they finally settled down and were much happier. Their other parent fought it but the age to choose is there for a reason. The judge will consider what’s best for the child at that point. Some children adjust to splitting their time and some don’t. Knowing that when they reach a certain age they can choose who to live with (if that’s what they want) can sometimes help them adjust to the time remaining. 

I know parents who ended up doing month on, month off with their teenagers and that worked well for all of them. The children did still choose to live with one parent as soon as the court allowed but a month at a time was easier for them than the other things they tried. Once they’re teenagers, and have their own stuff going on, they really don’t miss their other parent as much as they do when they’re younger so that time can be stretched out if that’s what everyone can agree to (agreement can be another story though).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I watched my grandchildren deal with one week with each parent for years until they reached the age they could choose. The moment they could, they chose one parent to live with and saw the other every other weekend. They just never adjusted to one week with each parent and once they became teenagers it was really difficult for them. The complaint I heard most often was that their parents each had one home but they had two homes and were constantly switching every week so they never felt they belonged anywhere. And they especially hated transition day between houses.
> 
> Once they moved in with one parent (around the age of 14 in my state) they finally settled down and were much happier. Their other parent fought it but the age to choose is there for a reason. The judge will consider what’s best for the child at that point. Some children adjust to splitting their time and some don’t. Knowing that when they reach a certain age they can choose who to live with (if that’s what they want) can sometimes help them adjust to the time remaining.
> 
> I know parents who ended up doing month on, month off with their teenagers and that worked well for all of them. The children did still choose to live with one parent as soon as the court allowed but a month at a time was easier for them than the other things they tried. Once they’re teenagers, and have their own stuff going on, they really don’t miss their other parent as much as they do when they’re younger so that time can be stretched out if that’s what everyone can agree to (agreement can be another story though).


I can fully understand this. I think it must be awful to have to pack up every week and move again. Personally if they are teenagers I would ask them what they would prefer. If you live near enough OP cant they be based in one home and pop and see the other parent as and when they want to? Or go there weekends say? Or for half the holidays?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I can fully understand this. I think it must be awful to have to pack up every week and move again. Personally if they are teenagers I would ask them what they would prefer. If you live near enough OP cant they be based in one home and pop and see the other parent as and when they want to? Or go there weekends say? Or for half the holidays?


I didn’t appreciate how difficult it is for some children until I saw it. The transition day was always very difficult. They were coming from a parent with no rules to a parent with strong rules. It would take a few days for them to settle back in to the routine and too soon it was time to them to leave for another week with a parent who let them do whatever they wanted. I helped with them when it was my child’s week to have them and, looking back, I don’t know how we got through those years. It was tough. I was very relieved when each was old enough to choose to live with one parent. The other parent was furious, and made sure they knew it, but they were much happier with no more switching.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Another reason that divorce sucks for kids. The adults would never agree to moving in and out of the family home while the kids stay put, yet they expect the kids do it week in week out, often for years.

I watched my stepdaughter go through this and it was heartbreaking. She now lives full time with us, partly her choice but mostly her mothers.

OP, it's not about what easiest/most convenient for you or your ex, it's about the kids. Has anyone asked them what they want?


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## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate it. 
I do believe it's a good thing for the kids to spend equal time with both parents. 
My kids, in principle seem to believe this too. 
Kids change their minds about what they want. 
(I firmly believe that) we would all do well with a schedule that's predictable and consistent, but the other three members of this party keep changing their minds about what they want. This is driving me nutty. Maybe I'm the one who needs to change. Perhaps I should just accept living in a world of uncertainly, but no thank you, I actually prefer to know how I can plan my day, and then I can do things with my kids when they're here because I know they'll be here, and when they aren't here, I can plan to get other work accomplished. Right now, I'm in an uncertain waiting phase and I'm stuck venting on chat forums. LOL. Thanks for listening!
And for those that will ask, the answer is "No" we don't have a formal custody agreement, this is something we need to agree upon soon when we file for divorce. Which is why I asked the original question. I want to know from other Real People (that's you!), what sort of arrangement do you have and what works, or doesn't work for you. Consider it a survey, please feel free to share your experience. I know every family is different, but I'm still curious about how other people have worked through this situation. THANKS!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

5 2 2 5 schedule. Did it for a decade and it was fabulous. With one parent Monday and Tuesday, the other parent Wednesday and Thursday, and then alternating weekends: Friday after school thru Monday.

When it was my days, they got off the bus at my house, his days, at this house. They had complete rooms and clothes at each house so literally packed and carried nothing from house to house, just their regular school backpack.

It made planning anything totally easy because for a decade they knew Monday/Tuesday with dad and Wednesday/Thursday with mom. Always.


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## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

Livvie, did that schedule even work when kids were teens?

My teens basically don't want to move back and forth anymore.
I want what's best for my kids, but also trying to balance my own life. Currently I'm an emotional wreck about all this, so that's not helping things!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CrazyCatz said:


> Livvie, did that schedule even work when kids were teens?
> 
> My teens basically don't want to move back and forth anymore.
> I want what's best for my kids, but also trying to balance my own life. Currently I'm an emotional wreck about all this, so that's not helping things!


Do you both live near each other? If so can they be based at one house and just go and see the other parent when they want to on an informal basis? Ask them who they want to live with and they can visit the other parent when they want to. As teens they will want to spend more and more time with their friends anyway and less with their parents.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You have one week on and one week off. It seems you are looking to even more separation. I would suggest going longer than a week from seeing either parent.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> You have one week on and one week off. It seems you are looking to even more separation. I would suggest going longer than a week from seeing either parent.


He says that they dont want to keep moving between them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CrazyCatz said:


> Livvie, did that schedule even work when kids were teens?
> 
> My teens basically don't want to move back and forth anymore.
> I want what's best for my kids, but also trying to balance my own life. Currently I'm an emotional wreck about all this, so that's not helping things!


Yes. It worked from second grade through to the end of high school. 

What's the big deal about going back and forth? My guys just got off the bus at either of our houses depending on the day. They had everything they needed at both houses. 

Even their friends knew which day they were at which parents house.

They had two houses. Both were home to them.


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## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

I suspect it makes a difference at what age kids start moving back and forth. Mine were teens when they started, so they were used to living in one house with both parents. Now they are stressed each week when they are supposed to move and one kid is really strongly resisting it. I don't think it's a preference of one house over the other in this case, just a strong desire to have ONE home, not two. My ex and I also don't like the stress of the kids moving back and forth, "transition day" seems to be stressful for all involved. 

I talked with a teen recently who has moved between parents houses as long as she can remember. She said she likes it because she likes spending time with each parent. My kids just get stressed.
And this, in turn, makes everyone else stressed. I have to practically shovel my kid out of his room to get him to his dad's house, which makes me feel like "the bad guy" and vice-versa when they come to my house my ex doesn't like fighting with him either about getting ready to go.

I totally get it. i wouldn't want to move back and forth either.

Does ANYONE out there have a 2-week schedule? It isn't my first choice, but the moving day stresses are really getting to me, and if we can cut that in half, it might be worth it!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

CrazyCatz said:


> My teens basically don't want to move back and forth anymore.


Yes, that’s not uncommon in the teenage years. My grandchildren expressed a preference for living with one parent, and having one home, when they reached the age to make that choice. Certainly not all children feel that way but some are more impacted than others. Many probably don’t bring it up because they know the other parent will be hurt if they do but others reach a point when they’re just done with back and forth.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We didn’t do the two-week schedule but I would have preferred that as my grandchildren got older. I think monthly can work with older children too.


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