# Questions to ask husband or not?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm trying to get past all the stuff with OW... I have a couple questions that I think I need to ask my husband to help me get past this all. 

When he first told me he had been with another woman ( I knew already who because FB) he told me he did something very bad and that he betrayed me. Now he claims he did not have an affair and didn't do anything wrong. I do know he feels horrible about being with OW because he gets angry when the subject is brought up. So what do you think it means that he first said he betrayed, but then agree only a week of me knowing says held not a Cheater?

Also before he told me he mentioned "he was sorry to put me in such a horrible position". I knew at the time something want right because I had gotten messages from OW that what my Husband and her did was none of my business. 

She later told me in Febuary that in December they had a pregnancy scare. My husband did not admit it was really true until right before we went on our cruise in March. He said it was true, but he thought she was trying to trap him. He said he ended it in November. My husband and I were meeting in October for dinner and family outings. He also would surprise me and bring me dinner in October. 

Now I wonder what he might have done if she was pregnant? I'm sure the question might hit a trigger, but I
Do wonder if he would have gone through with the divorce.

Also he wants a baby. I can't have anymore children, so we would have to
Adopt. He does want to adopt, but it's going to be years before we are financially ready or emotionally ready. He said even if I could have a baby that he would be too afraid of having another child with autism. 2 out of 3 of our kids have autism. I'm pretty sure my husband does have a firm of it too, which isn't saying anything bad about him. Just the thought that I can't have any more children and he could have gotten her pregnant is a huge blow. I did tell him several times that I wish I didn't go through hysterectomy at such a young age, I was in my very early 30s. He said he would have rather had me alive than worry about cancer.

I'm just kind of curious what he meant by he was sorry to put me in the situation he was puttinge in. Just what was the possible situation? Would he have still chosen me if she was really pregnant?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I don't know ur whole story but I'd guess he's looking to trade up. If the baby thing fell thru once and he's still trying....he's setting you up to let you go. Sorry, it's what I read.
Mouse


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I agree with Mouse, although I wouldn't have said 'Trade up' (Know what you meant mouse).


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

LoveMouse said:


> I don't know ur whole story but I'd guess he's looking to trade up. If the baby thing fell thru once and he's still trying....he's setting you up to let you go. Sorry, it's what I read.
> Mouse


I really don't think that was it. He let her go in November. Started taking to me again late October enough that I felt comfortable with removing a restraining order that was removed in November 6th, he let her know he was gonna work it out with me around Nov 2nd and from what he says she was very very upset. He was also texting me, calling me and stopping to see me very regularly. He would text me for hours after work at night to
Communicate.

I really don't think he was looking to trade up. In just curious had she really been pregnant would he still have worked it out with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think you have a right to ask anything you want.
but you have to think before you ask, do you REALLY want the answer even if its not the answer you want.
can you handle the truth, what ever it is.

were you together or on split when he started seeing the ow?
if you were together, why is he not seeing it as an affair now?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We were seperated when he started seeing the OW, but not divorced. Divorce had not been served yet on either of us. We did start talking again first through emails several times per day when he was with her before I knew about her. Ironically we started communicating right after divorce papers were served. He asked me if I really wanted a divorce and I said no. Then he started emailing me several times per day. I wanted to talk in person at a public park, but he was very hesitant to see me. Finally he did though. After that he started stopping by our house unexpected several times per per week. At this point we were texting everyday, he would text me on his breaks at work and text me at night when he was at his parents. He would call me when he was on his way home from work. I still had no idea there was an OW. I started missing him even more and wanting to see him in person at our house and I had to convince him to come. I was using the kids to convince him to come. Then I found out a little about her in early November. She posted she missed him on his FB on November 6th. I asked who she was and first got ignored because he didn't text back. When I asked again he said she was just a friend. He didn't actually tell me he had betrayed me until dec 12th. He used the word betrayal when he told me. Now he says it wasn't cheating. He also said now I knew why he was acting so strange. 

He has since told me he ended it with her on like November 3rd. She told him in December she might be pregnant. In December he had also asked me when I was ready for him to move back him, but then acted like he didn't want to. Finally moving back in new years weekend.
I had spent the weekend with him at his parents for his birthday Dec 9-11th. She had FB messaged me on dec 10th to tell me when my husband and her saw each other and what they do was none of my business. I didn't actually get that message until the next morning. Then he came forward with betrayal like the next day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> We were seperated when he started seeing the OW, but not divorced. Divorce had not been served yet on either of us. We did start talking again first through emails several times per day when he was with her before I knew about her. Ironically we started communicating right after divorce papers were served. He asked me if I really wanted a divorce and I said no. Then he started emailing me several times per day. I wanted to talk in person at a public park, but he was very hesitant to see me. Finally he did though. After that he started stopping by our house unexpected several times per per week. At this point we were texting everyday, he would text me on his breaks at work and text me at night when he was at his parents. He would call me when he was on his way home from work. I still had no idea there was an OW. I started missing him even more and wanting to see him in person at our house and I had to convince him to come. I was using the kids to convince him to come. Then I found out a little about her in early November. She posted she missed him on his FB on November 6th. I asked who she was and first got ignored because he didn't text back. When I asked again he said she was just a friend. He didn't actually tell me he had betrayed me until dec 12th. He used the word betrayal when he told me. Now he says it wasn't cheating. He also said now I knew why he was acting so strange.
> 
> He has since told me he ended it with her on like November 3rd. She told him in December she might be pregnant. In December he had also asked me when I was ready for him to move back him, but then acted like he didn't want to. Finally moving back in new years weekend.
> I had spent the weekend with him at his parents for his birthday Dec 9-11th. She had FB messaged me on dec 10th to tell me when my husband and her saw each other and what they do was none of my business. I didn't actually get that message until the next morning. Then he came forward with betrayal like the next day
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am sorry to say this, but you don't seem to have much to go back to with this guy. He gets mad when you ask him what you have a right to know. He stone walls and rewrites history. He tells you that he wants more kids and you can't have any more. If I were you I would cut my losses and move on. He is a cake eater, and you are his default wife.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> I am sorry to say this, but you don't seem to have much to go back to with this guy. He gets mad when you ask him what you have a right to know. He stone walls and rewrites history. He tells you that he wants more kids and you can't have any more. If I were you I would cut my losses and move on. He is a cake eater, and you are his default wife.


:iagree:


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Ask all the questions you want to ask but full warning, you are not going to like some of the answers, it's going to hurt alot. 
I asked all the questions I wanted to know the whole truth this will build my trust back in him. It hurt like a band aid being ripped off.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...........

Did you ever tell him about your affair, 

Does he know you were lying to his face and having some guy flown in to have sex with you (prior to his affair)? or did you decide to keep "protecting him" from that little fact? As I recall, you let him believe he was the bad guy all the while you were banging someone else. 

I guess you forgot to mention that?.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Yes I'm guilty of that for that one time, your right about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

blueskies30 said:


> Yes I'm guilty of that for that one time, your right about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


honey, if you have secrets, then you can't honestly expect him to not have any.
You two need to sit down and really, REALLY be honest with one another.
Or you could both just continue to lie and cheat.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Kind of sounds like the pot calling the kettle black to me - sorry. You both need MC if you're going to have a snow balls chance in hell of making this work.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Right now I'm just thinking if I can only try to forget. Right now I'm dealing with him not making a decision about where we will live when foreclosure is 5/16. Also him controlling all money, but this new system of putting unemployment on a card really helps him to control it. 

I want to get a restraining order removed that was put on me way back in 2001 that was done in this state. To remove it myself I'd need to pay to have a background check. My husband said where r u going to get money for that? 
I know that once I leave this state I can't go to the court house and remove it. I also know that while it's on me, I run the constant risk of going to jail for breaking it. He put it on me to keep me away from our 5 month old daughter at the time because of post partum depression. Now our daughter has been living with us since she was 14 months old. So I'm breaking the law every single day 

I'm not sure I want to know his answers to my questions any way. He keeps making comments here and there which makes me have new questions. Latest comment is I'm loose and not as tight as I was before I had kids. Now I'm feeling like maybe she was tighter because maybe she had c sections. She has 3 kids too. 

I'm not even sure his comment is true. He's cums very fast most every time we have sex. Exept for the last time, he couldn't cum at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

jinba said:


> Kind of sounds like the pot calling the kettle black to me - sorry. You both need MC if you're going to have a snow balls chance in hell of making this work.


We have had MC and it just does not seem to go very far
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

DanF said:


> honey, if you have secrets, then you can't honestly expect him to not have any.
> You two need to sit down and really, REALLY be honest with one another.
> Or you could both just continue to lie and cheat.


Honesty comes with a price. Ive not been honest with him because he has an anger problem. He's shown me what could and can happen if I make him mad, so I'm not going too do that again. 

Right after he had his hernia surgery in Febuary and OW contacted me, my husband got very very angry because she wasn't blocked. He had never intentionally hit me before then. Now I know all of you would say I should leave, but the way the system works its not possible. During seperation he was making it impossible to live on and that restraining order was right there against me. 

So I guess the answer is to live for today and somehow try to block the past out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

A couple of things here raised my eyebrows;
MC will NOT work if you're lying. Come on, do you really think that you can have a good marriage based on lies?

PP depression is no basis for a restraining order. There is more to this...


You are trickle truthing us on TAM.
I'm done. If you can't be honest while being anonymous, there's no way that you can be honest in person.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

DanF said:


> A couple of things here raised my eyebrows;
> MC will NOT work if you're lying. Come on, do you really think that you can have a good marriage based on lies?
> 
> PP depression is no basis for a restraining order. There is more to this...
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I am an honest person. I am guilty of leaving one thing out of telling my husband I know. I've told him everything else he's wanted to know. He seems more upset about me putting a restraining order on him than anything else. He keeps referring to am I going to kick him out again, am I going to go call Tessa again. Tessa is the domestic violence agency here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Domestic violence? You have an 11 year old daughter? Periods of no child support? His parents threaten you? Yet you're still there?

You say you're an honest person ... well, be honest with yourself. You're in your own Peyton Place and the drama won't stop anytime soon unless you stop it.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

The one thing you're leaving out is a reflection of the one thing that he's done and caused you such grief!

Blue, you really need to get a grip.
I can't see how this is ever going to work.

You can't BS a BS'er


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