# So annoyed, how is this right?!



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

OK, husband is in pharmacy school (doctorate program). He rarely works because he claims that he has to concentrate on his studies. Keep in mind that he is living away from home, so he has no child, no wife, no work, just school and his video games. 

We've discussed for years that I would continue on with school with the ultimate goal of at least a masters in psychology and possibly undergrad of dietetics. I want to help those with eating disorders...and perhaps if I am a registered dietician I can start working in this field while getting my masters in psychology. 

I have taken several courses at a community college (which has a great reputation), while working, and with the child. 

I told my husband that I was looking into the schools that are accredited for dietetics, most require full time school, and probably a year of unpaid internship. Though University of Kentucky offers distance learning and suggests part time schooling.

During this conversation with my husband he was basically saying that I will have to continue working while in school, so if I do the full time program I would have 5 days 8-5:30 and 2 days working. :scratchhead:

I'm so pissed off right now at how selfish he is and that it now really appears that he doesn't respect my desire to get my degrees, and he just cares about himself.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

How is H supporting himself (or being supported) now?


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Philat said:


> How is H supporting himself (or being supported) now?


Just student loans....although I pay health insurance, car insurance, pay our mortgage alone. When before he was on school he worked full time (32hrs) so we had two incomes for his mortgage and everything.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As the poster above stated, we need more information. However, right off the bat, I can say your husband can do without the video games. Thankfully, video games were't available when my estranged husband went to pharmacy school. Had they been, I don't think he would have graduated. When my husband was in pharmacy school he worked as a lab assistant to one of the research professors. He also tutored chemistry. It helped make ends meet and allowed him plenty of study time.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

So, do you want your husband to quit pharmacy school and get a job? Or do you want him to work part time and go to school? Or do you propose that neither of you work?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

They're both in school, she's working and he's not.

Looks like a fair compromise would be she works less and he works more.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> So, do you want your husband to quit pharmacy school and get a job? Or do you want him to work part time and go to school? Or do you propose that neither of you work?


I am okay with him not working while in this program...it is hard but I can do it. Additionally he is out of state, so I have been left a single parent.
He is expecting me to do fulltime schooling while working and taking care of our child (& its not like we would be in a worse financial situation if he gets a job). I fail to see how when we initially said we would support each other through school that this is fair.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

H30 said:


> I am okay with him not working while in this program...it is hard but I can do it. Additionally he is out of state, so I have been left a single parent.
> He is expecting me to do fulltime schooling while working and taking care of our child (& its not like we would be in a worse financial situation if he gets a job). I fail to see how when we initially said we would support each other through school that this is fair.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


You could sell the house, move into a studio with your kid, take out a student loan for yourself and apply for scholarships, and move to a part-time job. No problem. There's no law that says you need to have a house? If you want something let something go. You're putting equity into the house for him. If he's not holding up his part of an agreement you two made, and he is living away from home while you alone are putting equity into that home, and he's not even working but has time for video games, I would take that as a big red flag and dissolve and divide the house profit (if any) and invest in the education you want while drastically minimizing expenses and streamlining your life so you can focus on your studies.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

And this is exactly why it is crucial to make these steps prior to starting families. Things happen; however, these situations never work in the long run. 

How much loans did he take out? This is not the proper time per se to be taking school loans out - in this economy with a family. I am currently in law school but I currently have a full ride. If he wants any chance of getting a well paying job to support his family AND pay off loans - he MUST drop the video games and start networking unless he already has them.

As for you, this is where it gets complicated. Right now, there are no student loans really to pay back. He probably has it justified in his head that there is no way that he could possibly pack back the monthly loans, pay the mortgage, etc while you are the one in school now. 

There will be a lot of resentment and bitterness. You are your own person though. If you want your masters, then go and get it. If he flips, just remember, that YOU provided for the family in hopes of him earning a higher salary, so you should be compensated for it!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So did you ask him for something or just talk about it and hope he'd read your mind? If you want him to contribute a certain amount of money each month, did you specifically say so?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

wise said:


> *And this is exactly why it is crucial to make these steps prior to starting families. Things happen; however, these situations never work in the long run. *
> 
> How much loans did he take out? This is not the proper time per se to be taking school loans out - in this economy with a family. I am currently in law school but I currently have a full ride. If he wants any chance of getting a well paying job to support his family AND pay off loans - he MUST drop the video games and start networking unless he already has them.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

OP, 
You're carrying the most responsibility at this time , making huge sacrifices for him,while he's playing those video games in his spare time?
In addition , he wants you to sacrifice even more?

Doesn't sound fair to me.

One of the unfortunate things about humans that I've found out , is that if you give a person the opportunity to walk all over you, no only will they , but they'll expect you to continue being their doormat in the future.

This arrangement doesn't sound fair , and based on his thinking , he expects you to continue making all the sacrifices.

Tread carefully.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I feel your pain and frustration in this situation. I think Kathy's question is very valid though, does he know how you feel? We men are not mind readers and don't always pick up the subtle hints and clues. You have to tell him you are upset and he is causing some of that.



KathyBatesel said:


> So did you ask him for something or just talk about it and hope he'd read your mind? If you want him to contribute a certain amount of money each month, did you specifically say so?


This is so true about a lot of people. Don't be passive just to keep the peace, find your voice and speak up.



Caribbean Man; said:


> One of the unfortunate things about humans that I've found out , is that if you give a person the opportunity to walk all over you, no only will they , but they'll expect you to continue being their doormat in the future..


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Do you want to start your full time schooling now, or after he finishes his? Now is probably a bad time. If you want to start after be graduates and is back home and he said you have to work, then he is being extremely selfish consittering you have supported him while be was in school.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Do you want to start your full time schooling now, or after he finishes his? Now is probably a bad time. If you want to start after be graduates and is back home and he said you have to
> work, then he is being extremely selfish consittering you have supported him while be was in school.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have only been taking once course here and there for most gen eds at my community college and plan on completing my associates while he finishes. I won't be able to plan full time programs until he is completed. Most programs for me are full time plus an internship. I would be in school M-F 8-5:30 with an hour commute. And he is expecting me to work on weekends? I will barely see our daughter...he might be ok with that, I am not.

Kathy, we had talked in the past that I would support him through school and he would equally for me when he was done....but last night he told me his NEW expectations. It was pretty clear. I haven't talked to him since, or told him I was upset yet because I needed to kind of digest all of this. 

To be honest, I'm starting to feel used by him. I fear that he's going to leave as soon as he gets what he wants, and I will be stuck because I helped him with the understanding that this is what was best for our family. I hate feeling this way because I've always seen him as a great person who goes by his word...I guess I've seen too many people get screwed. 

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You've seen him that way, but do you have any proof that's how he is? Substantial proof, not anything he's merely said. Reality is difficult, we all have dreams, but if you're the only one making them come true, in terms of the family dreams, he might be taking advantage of that.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You've seen him that way, but do you have any proof that's how he is? Substantial proof, not anything he's merely said. *Reality is difficult, we all have dreams, but if you're the only one making them come true, in terms of the family dreams, he might be taking advantage of that.*


:iagree:

Sometimes in relationships, we give and give not because we want something in return, but because we're wired that way. That's the real us.
When we are called on to make sacrifices, it's absolutely not a problem. We do it without even thinking of the consequences, once the other person is happy. That's our _raison d'être_
Reality bites , when we ourself need someone to make a sacrifice for us, and they're unwilling to do so for no other reason other than their own self interest.
Then it hits, the relationship was always one sided.

Yes Reality is difficult.
That's the experience I've had with my siblings.
And I've seen that dynamic with lots of couples.

It's not that the person is a bad person per se, it's just they aren't willing to go the distance for you , whilst you've done it for them in the past , and still continue to.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow, I don't know how this can be good...you are like a married single parent.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think both of you need to go back to the drawing board , review original plans , discuss present feelings and expectations from each other.
Also take into consideration economic realities.
Maybe it's time for a mediator , or a third neutral person that both of you trust , to help sort out this impasse.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Besides the obvious of you guys need to have one hell of a serious talk economic realities should be a major focus of the discussion.

If he is PharmD he will get a job starting around 100k depending where in the US he is.

Your schooling is much less secure. Psych majors are a dime a doze and a MS is almost a must these days. My niece is a behavior analyst Graduate level and she makes mid 40's.

The end point doesn't always have to be $$$, but have you figured out how long it will take you to recoup you school spending once interest is factored in.

I didn't get my Masters for that exact reason I'm already in the top 90% for my field pay wise a Masters does nothing for me financially. So, it wasn't worth spending the 15k to go back and finish.

Do the math and make sense of it, but I feel you guys have much bigger problems to worry about.


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