# Is there even hope? I think I am going crazy



## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

I'm completely out of my mind I think. I just found out that he is having an EA (which my gut told me all along) but he still hasn't admitted it. He said its over and he feels bad, etc., but he can't help his feelings. I drew up a draft seperation agreement, child visitation, etc. We reviewed it all yesterday. He left for a few drinks with a friend and came home. He said he is worried about me and how I am handling things. Said he doesn't want to leave the kids and do the right thing. Still saying he can't help how he feels. Later on that night/this morning, he insisted that I come back to our bed to sleep since we haven't decided how we were going to move forward (meaning when he was moving out, logistics and such and we don't want the kids to know ANYTHING until we decide that). Before that he asked me for sex which I refused due to my emotional state. Reality is I am SOOO deep in love with him, I literally feel like I am dying inside!. I haven't slept more then 1 hour a day since Sunday. Like I said he persisted that I sleep in our bed because he didn't want the kids to notice. He promised he wouldn't try anything. I lay down, takes me over an hour but I finally fell asleep. When I woke up he had me completely wrapped around his arms and when I moved he wouldn't let me go. Now, his friend did tell me that as he was talking to him about the situation last night, and seperation all he did was talk about me, how beautiful I am, great wife, great mother, amazing in the bedroom, etc. His friend said, "dude, you talk like you are still inlove with her, you are confusing me". 

What does this mean? He doesn't know that I know about the EA. I don't know what to do next. I want to be civil and not hurt my children by throwing him out, I don't know how to act when I go home.....

I really need advise and some sort of hope that I will start healing cause this is the worst agonizing pain I have ever been in in my life!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so you asked for a separation without telling him the real reason?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also- what is it that you want?

do you want to attempt R or is this a deal breaker?


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

fool for love said:


> I'm completely out of my mind I think. I just found out that he is having an EA (which my gut told me all along) but he still hasn't admitted it. He said its over and he feels bad, etc., but he can't help his feelings. I drew up a draft seperation agreement, child visitation, etc. We reviewed it all yesterday. He left for a few drinks with a friend and came home. He said he is worried about me and how I am handling things. Said he doesn't want to leave the kids and do the right thing. Still saying he can't help how he feels. Later on that night/this morning, he insisted that I come back to our bed to sleep since we haven't decided how we were going to move forward (meaning when he was moving out, logistics and such and we don't want the kids to know ANYTHING until we decide that). Before that he asked me for sex which I refused due to my emotional state. Reality is I am SOOO deep in love with him, I literally feel like I am dying inside!. I haven't slept more then 1 hour a day since Sunday. Like I said he persisted that I sleep in our bed because he didn't want the kids to notice. He promised he wouldn't try anything. I lay down, takes me over an hour but I finally fell asleep. When I woke up he had me completely wrapped around his arms and when I moved he wouldn't let me go. Now, his friend did tell me that as he was talking to him about the situation last night, and seperation all he did was talk about me, how beautiful I am, great wife, great mother, amazing in the bedroom, etc. His friend said, "dude, you talk like you are still inlove with her, you are confusing me".
> 
> What does this mean? He doesn't know that I know about the EA. I don't know what to do next. I want to be civil and not hurt my children by throwing him out, I don't know how to act when I go home.....
> 
> I really need advise and some sort of hope that I will start healing cause this is the worst agonizing pain I have ever been in in my life!


I'm going down down a similar road but my D day was last month. While I am no expect yet, gather enough evidence and confront. For me I had a know FB relationship and documented phone calls on a phone bill. She denied anything but being friends at first, but then confessed the next day that it was more. This was after I was given the "I love you, I'm not in love with you speech". Sounds like he is confused right now. My DS shut down when I confronted her - all affection stopped and she detached. She went into EA defense mode. You will soon discover that your H may start following a script that seems all too common with EAs....my W did the same.


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

fool for love said:


> Reality is I am SOOO deep in love with him, I literally feel like I am dying inside!.


Sounds like you are still in love with him.




fool for love said:


> When I woke up he had me completely wrapped around his arms and when I moved he wouldn't let me go.


Sounds like he is still in love with you.




fool for love said:


> What does this mean? He doesn't know that I know about the EA.


This I'm confused about. I won't rehash here, you can look for some of my posts and see my situation. I had an EA that I broke off myself. I haven't told my wife about it and her "gut" was telling her something was wrong too. I think she was aware something wasn't right but it's been put right now. 

I don't know the extent of your conversation with him. When you asked to separate he didn't ask, why? 

To answer the question in the title of your post. 

Yes, there is always hope. Unless you don't want there to be.
Ultimately it will be up to him to correct his end. but if you think it is worth working through, I'd encourage you to do it. 

I think you should probably let him know you know about the EA but be prepared to offer facts and evidence, without that it will just be a "yes you did" - "no I didn't" argument. 

I'm on the offending end of my problem BUT I can tell you there are plenty of people here who can point you in the right direction on how to really determine if he is done with his shennanigans. 


Wish you all the best. Keep yourself in the right frame of mind. I think you've come to the right place for help.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I think he knows that you know about his EA..and he's really scared and he knows he f&*#ed up big time. He must be sweating bullets big time...hopefully, he will come to his senses and confess what he's been up to and then you can go from there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm confused.

How did you find out about the EA.

And when he says "It's over and he can't help how he feels" is he referring to you and the marriage or the affair??? 

More info, please.

DO NOT sleep with him. DO NOT reward him for bad behavior.

If you have concrete proof--call him out on it. "Husband, I am fully aware you are having an affair with X. Don't lie to me or the kids. I refuse to live in an open marriage and I won't be sleeping with you. If you want out so bad, then you can leave. I deserve better."

Stand tall!


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

On Sunday morning I found that he had purchased a prepaid phone (the activation card not the phone), he kept denying then on Monday he said he wasn't happy and that it was him and that we needed to move on. Then each day we have spoken but only about next steps, where is thinking of moving to, visitation etc. He keeps asking me who I am talking to (no one really, I'm feel so embarrassed) and the few that I have talked to (mutual friends) he keeps asking them to check up on me and make sure I am ok. 

Since all this blew up and he said he hasn't been happy for a long time and without the words says he doesn't want to reconcile. 

Last night, like I said, he left had a few drinks with a friend, came home (NOT DRUNK) and talked more then he did (not waivering or changing his mind) but still feeling out options on having a seperation while living together until we are in a better place financially. But on Monday, he didn't want a delay in moving out.

Honestly, I never wanted my marriage over. Its extremely sad to say this but I am completely in love with him even though this is now his third EA. What is wrong with me? 

His words say one thing, yet his actions say another, and I don't know what to do.


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

I joined this site a few days ago, have been posting my feeling reading stories, etc. This one has my "history" not including everything I have written above:

Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » My world fell out from under me! 

I have absolutley NO doubt that I am completely inlove with him, but I feel like a fool cause this will be EA# 3. Its him that does not want to R even though he doesn't say it. 

All you questions, comments, advise I will appreciate trust me. I am very alone right now and this is the only place where I feel I can truly spill it all out.


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

fool for love said:


> On Sunday morning I found that he had purchased a prepaid phone (the activation card not the phone), he kept denying then on Monday he said he wasn't happy and that it was him and that we needed to move on. Then each day we have spoken but only about next steps, where is thinking of moving to, visitation etc. He keeps asking me who I am talking to (no one really, I'm feel so embarrassed) and the few that I have talked to (mutual friends) he keeps asking them to check up on me and make sure I am ok.
> 
> Since all this blew up and he said he hasn't been happy for a long time and without the words says he doesn't want to reconcile.
> 
> ...


Thanks for clarifying. If this is the 3rd one and you are certain of the other 2, perhaps someone other than myself is better to advise you. 

I'd just like to say that this:



fool for love said:


> Honestly, I never wanted my marriage over. Its extremely sad to say this but I am completely in love with him even though this is now his third EA. What is wrong with me?


Is NEITHER sad nor something to be ashamed of. Whatever brought him to this point was his failing, not yours. Whatever problem you might have had, it did not justify him seeking the solace of another person. It was his responsibility to work on it with you. 

There is nothing wrong with you. This is what a loving partner should feel for the person they love. 

Hope you find peace soon.

All my best wishes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

His 3rd EA?

Honey, let him go. I know you love him but he is not committed to you or the marriage.

He wants out, so open up the door and let him go.

Do not reward him with goodies or anything indicative of what you do as a partner in a committed relationship.

You are worth so much more.


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

Thanks ST. George and Jellybeans.

I know I need to let go, my head tells me stop being a fool and kick him the hell out! No longer your concern, he made his bed let his lay in it! My heart says, maybe he will change his mind...UGHHHHH I hate feeling this way!


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