# I am Deployed,and I found her e-mails to another guy.



## ddoliver83 (Jul 24, 2012)

Hello everyone, 

First of all thank you for any help you can give, I am very losted at the moment. About three weeks ago I got off the phone with my wife of 5 years(mother of my two amazing kids) and just felt like something was not right. I could feel it in my gut ( I know sounds weird) but I felt it and I found a way into her e-mail account and looked around. 

I found she has been talking to a guy over e-mail because he is also over seas as a contractor. It started like normal chating she new the guy from her days in the navy, and there were play catch up on history. Well the chats got more and more sexual, and personal fast. As in wanting to try each other out sexual, maybe she missed her chance with him and she wanted to be sure. Talking about going on vactions and talking down about me. 

The part that up sets me the most is I have caught her doing this before 3 years ago and found out it was the same guy, same kind of chats. That time I told her the same thing stop all talking and stuff like that. But this time I am deployed in Afghanistan, and can only talk her word that she stop. Which I dont have a lot of trust for her. I have about a month left in my year deployment and when I get back wonder whats going to happen or what I should do? We have both talk about what happened for about a week and then it died down dont know what eles to talk about it with her. She said she wanted attention which I understand, I have been gone for a long time, but I email her everyday almost and when I looked at her log she was talking to him more than me? I know I messed up by spying in her e-mail but I knew something was up this was the only time it has ever happened

I am I stuiped to stay with her? 

Should we divorce, its the second time? 

It was an emotional affair, and she swears she has never cheated on me before (Sexually) I just dont believe her? 

Please help


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Its not messed for you to check your cheating wife's email. She cheated before and is still cheating, she lost her right for privacy long ago.

3 years and it hasn't gotten physical? I doubt it.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Which I dont have a lot of trust for her. I have about a month left in my year deployment and when I get back wonder whats going to happen or what I should do? if your best friend asked you this story what would your advice to them be ?
this is the second time ? I would have to request some heavy lifting by my spouse meaning she would need to get honest become transparent go to mc etc but i am type of guy once bitten twice shy as the song goes however it is your life and your decision 

Good Luck


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Yes if you do stay with her you are stupid(You asked for it  ). One chance is all a man or a woman should give a cheater, any more and they know you're a doormat that they can walk all over. I highly doubt that it hasn't gone physical. This woman disrespects you to the core and you being a member of the armed forces deserve a wife who respects the fact that you're a soldier and a man.

What was that old saying ? Fool me once,.....


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

First thank you for your service and the sacrifices you have made in service of our country.

If this is the second time your wife has been in a deep email affair with the same guy then she is missing HIM not YOU. Since it has turned to discussing what sexual things they intend to do she is in deep.

Please do not feel guilty for cracking her email and getting the proof you needed. Your marriage is under attack and you should get proof before taking action. 

If you go back in a month or so I would continue to monitor the email. Decide what you want to do, then go home with a plan. If you confront her now she will just get another email account that you cannot find and continue with the other guy.

Can you forgive two betrayals in a couple of years? 

Up to you, but her behavior is way over the boundaries for a married woman and you are justified in choosing divorce if that is what has to happen.


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## ddoliver83 (Jul 24, 2012)

Your right man, if any one in my platoon came up to me with this I would tell them to leave her. But now its me. I love her and we have two kids, I want to belive her, but its hard. SHe did the whole crying thing,, i dont know. All i can do is talk to her or skype and e-mail.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

So what now? Every time that you're deployed she'll turn to this guy for attention and fulfill her sexual needs virtually, when she could do it with you instead? 

How many times do you have to go through this? Maybe she has always had a thing for this guy and the "distance between you two" it's just a stupid excuse.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There was nothing wrong with you checking up on her, and the fact she is having a sexual texting affair with this same guy proves it.

Since it keeps being same guy after years of trying to stop her , you'd better think long and hard before you forgive, and if you stay with her she needs to go fully transparent on all emails and texts from now on. No more secrets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Don't confuse crocodile tears with honest remorse.

Have you had any child within the last 3 years? If so you might want to schedule a paternity test to determine you are the father.

Also consider the likelihood of her doing it again in 5,10,20 years and taking most of your retirement/savings/assets if you hold out longer with her. It might be in your best interest to divorce now as to give her another chance.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

ddoliver83 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> First of all thank you for any help you can give, I am very losted at the moment. About three weeks ago I got off the phone with my wife of 5 years(mother of my two amazing kids) and just felt like something was not right. I could feel it in my gut ( I know sounds weird) but I felt it and I found a way into her e-mail account and looked around.
> 
> ...


I am in a similiar situation. I am deployed to an 'undisclosed location.' My wife has had 3 affairs that I know of in our 10 years of marriage. She now, for a reason(s) I know not of, she wants a divorce. 

Take it from my experience, your W MUST do the heavy lifting, she must show TRUE remorse for it to work.

My W only did just enough, at times, to only pacify me then go back to her old, non-sympathetic ways.


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## ddoliver83 (Jul 24, 2012)

But whats true remorse and heavy lifting,,, she wants to seek counsling and do all that. its that a reason to try one more time?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Polygraph is step one upon your return. Honestly I'm not sure I'd deal with this right now fully until you are safe at home. After you have the whole truth you can make a better decision.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

No, true remorse is when she can actually feel your pain and when she's being completely honest and transparent giving each and every little detail about the affair and when she's pro-active in giving you information about her whereabouts and online activity and showing you her cell phone messages and doing everything thats possible to get you to start the process of reconciliation.

But I just want to ask you a question from a civilian POV, would you lead your boys into an ambush when you have prior information about it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MC only works when both partners aren't cheating in any way. She's cheating and keeps going back to it after you catch her. In this case she's using MC as a way to defer you dealing with the real problem that she continues to choose to pursue a relationship with the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ddoliver83 (Jul 24, 2012)

Never,,, I got you
Thanks


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

ddoliver83 said:


> Your right man, if any one in my platoon came up to me with this I would tell them to leave her. But now its me. I love her and we have two kids, I want to belive her, but its hard. SHe did the whole crying thing,, i dont know. All i can do is talk to her or skype and e-mail.


So I take it you have already confronted her with the latest affair? Yeah crying, excuses, and promises are just her way of keeping the status quo. Nothing has changed. I hope you didn't reveal how you found out what she was doing. If you did she will get another email account easily to continue talking and planning with him. If you didn't tell her how you found out continue to monitor her email.

Kids make it tough, no argument there. But staying for the kids is just going to let the resentment, anger and hate for what she has done continue to build in you until it all blows up. You have to deal with this head-on, one way or the other.

Who started the contact this time around? Him or her? Or has it gone on for the last three years behind your back? 

You have to accept that the wife you married and love is not the same woman who is currently at home with your kids. This is a totally different woman who would rather spend more time having sexual fantasies with the other man than time talking to her absent husband. She is investing more of her time in him. This is not the woman you love. If she ties the "I was lonely, I like the attention) speech. That means she was lonely FOR HIM, NOT YOU. She wanted attention FROM HIM, NOT YOU. She could have easily invested this time with you, but chose him.

Like I said, don't discuss things while you are away. Decide what is best for you and the kids and return home with a plan.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry man.
Don't ever feel bad for snooping onto someone who has proven to be untrustworthy. Twice which you know of. It's not wrong, it's natural, it's self protection from people who give sh!t about fooling you and pretend.
So first thing to do once you go back home is display all the snooping tools. I have no idea about the subject but I assume there are kweyloggers you can operate from distance (next deployments, etc). 

Your wife needs IC if she wants to stay married to you (or anybody else actually). She needs to find out if she's able to stay faithfull. Being faithfull is not for everybody and a being soldier you needs even more than most that security.


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

My heart goes out to you brother... I know what you're going through, but it's almost impossible to be with someone you can't truly trust. (then again, maybe it IS impossible) Thank you for your military service.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would first tell her you know she's cheating on you with him again and ask her to stop. If she refuses, call her mom and dad and tell them what she's doing and ask them to talk to her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ddoliver83 said:


> The part that up sets me the most is I have caught her doing this before 3 years ago and found out *it was the same guy*, same kind of chats.
> 
> I have about a month left in my year deployment and when I get back wonder whats going to happen or what I should do?


What I would do is this: 

Don't say anything to her. Print out the emails. When you get back from deployment, have them laying on your bed or the kitchen table and tell her, "I am not doing this anymore. I deserve better."


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Brother drop her like a hot rock
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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