# Wife had an emotional affair and I can't move on



## Galway

I am 40 and my wife is 33 we have a 7 and 4 ys old boys. We have been married for nine years and together for 13.

We work seperate schedules and there is nothing that can be done about it. Unfortunately, my wife was texting and talking on the phone with another married man. This went on for 19 days. They would text all time during the day and often in fron of me with me being oblivious. He was telling her she was beautiful and he started describing what he would do to her sexually. During the texting, she never met him or saw him anywhere. He kept trying, but it never happened. On the day that they were going to meet, I caught her and everything stopped. I confronted him and threatened to tell his wife. 

My wife has appologized and admitted that she was confused and was unsure if she loved me when this was going on. It has been two months and I can not let it go. She has been affectionate to me and swears that she will never make another mistake. Any suggestions?


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## lamaga

Okay, Galway, buck up because I am going to speak truth to you.

Nineteen days of texting and there was no physical contact. And you are willing to lose your wife and your family over this?

STOP THAT. You are being silly. Now, others will come onto here and talk to you about how to monitor her for the rest of time so that this never happens again, and that's fine, but the fact is?

NOTHING HAPPENED. Get over it. Go hug her and be glad that she is still with you. This is as big a deal as you choose to make it. Husbands are dealing every day with wives dying, wives literally in their beds with other men, wives deciding they are gay...each and every one of them would trade places with you in a heartbeat.


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## Antigen

Some people can get over an affair even if it's gotten sexual, although I have no idea how..

Others cannot. Even a short term textual fling such as this.

If you can't get past it then do what you gotta do.


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## Married in VA

You are going to need to verify if this has truly stopped. You posted about kids at the beginning of your post. Your wife's EA and the kids are not related and having kids is NOT a barrier to divorce if need be. There is something wrong with your wife. You need to talk with her and figure out why she has poor personal boundaries which would allow her to fall into this trap. Also, take a look in the mirror and figure out what you are doing wrong such that she would even want to go for another man. As for letting it go, it may be tough but if you are going to stay together than you are going to have to or else resentment will build and your relationship will fail and you are wasting time. For your wife:

1. She goes no contact by telling OM good bye forever in front of you followed by a no contact letter OR

2. You get an attorney and get the divorce process going. It can be stopped at any time but your wife needs to know that what she did is NOT okay and WILL NOT be tolerated. 

There are no other choices as any other choice will hurt you in the future. You need to keep a good eye on her to make sure this just didn't go underground.

Also, saying you CAN'T adjust your work schedule is a load of crap. You are in FULL control of where you work and whether you work. If you need to then change your lifestyle or get a different job where your lives are more compatible. I'll take a good relationship over a career ANY day of the week.


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## anchorwatch

Have you found out why she looking to this OM for affection? Have you started counseling? 
Did you expose to the OMW? Is there NC with the OM?


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## lamaga

Anchorwatch, be sensible...what is he supposed to "expose"?

My wife really liked your husband and they traded emails?

Pshaw. This is 7th grade stuff. 

OP needs to figure out what's wrong in his own marriage, not go around messing with other people.


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## bandit.45

lamaga said:


> Anchorwatch, be sensible...what is he supposed to "expose"?
> 
> My wife really liked your husband and they traded emails?
> 
> Pshaw. This is 7th grade stuff.
> 
> OP needs to figure out what's wrong in his own marriage, not go around messing with other people.


They were sexting. That's a bit harsher than just emailing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien

lamaga said:


> Anchorwatch, be sensible...what is he supposed to "expose"?
> 
> My wife really liked your husband and they traded emails?
> 
> Pshaw. This is 7th grade stuff.
> 
> OP needs to figure out what's wrong in his own marriage, not go around messing with other people.


I disagree. On the day that she was going to meet him, the OP stopped her. 7th grade would be, "He sent text messages describing what he wanted to do to her, and she told me about it." 10th grade would be "On the day that she was going to meet him, she realized how wrong this was, and came to me." The question of how easily she let this escalate, and what would have happened if an external force did not stop her will haunt the OP for some time.

I think that marriage counseling, with a counselor that you both trust, is needed quickly. In addition, if she is remorseful, transparency with all passwords should be no problem for her.


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## lamaga

@Bandit, fine. Acknowledged. He still needs to concentrate on fixing his own marriage.


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## anchorwatch

Galway said:


> I am 40 and my wife is 33 we have a 7 and 4 ys old boys. We have been married for nine years and together for 13.
> 
> We work seperate schedules and there is nothing that can be done about it. *Unfortunately, my wife was texting and talking on the phone with another married man.* This went on for 19 days. They would text all time during the day and often in fron of me with me being oblivious. *He was telling her she was beautiful and he started describing what he would do to her sexually.* During the texting, she never met him or saw him anywhere. He kept trying, but it never happened. *On the day that they were going to meet, I caught her and everything stopped. I confronted him and threatened to tell his wife. *
> 
> *My wife has appologized and admitted that she was confused and was unsure if she loved me when this was going on.* It has been two months and I can not let it go. She has been affectionate to me and swears that she will never make another mistake. Any suggestions?


lamaga, I do think from what I highlighted from the OP post, that this is no 7th grade stuff. I do believe they have to find out why it happened to heal.


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## Shaggy

You should follow through and talk to the OMW. Let her know her husband is on the prowl and sexting your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75

lamaga said:


> Okay, Galway, buck up because I am going to speak truth to you.
> 
> Nineteen days of texting and there was no physical contact. And you are willing to lose your wife and your family over this?
> 
> STOP THAT. You are being silly. Now, others will come onto here and talk to you about how to monitor her for the rest of time so that this never happens again, and that's fine, but the fact is?
> 
> NOTHING HAPPENED. Get over it. Go hug her and be glad that she is still with you. This is as big a deal as you choose to make it. Husbands are dealing every day with wives dying, wives literally in their beds with other men, wives deciding they are gay...each and every one of them would trade places with you in a heartbeat.


Lamaga, I am not going to tell him he needs to do the keyloggers or VARs or anything. But he has a RIGHT to how he feels. An emotional affair is a very real thing. And, it DOES hurt. It hurts very much when your spouse is telling someone else that she is sexy or beautiful. It hurts very much when your spouse returns those sentiments. You can't say nothing happened... you can say nothing PHYSICAL happened, but something did, indeed, happen. The wife was getting her emotional needs met by someone other than her husband. Yea, it was "only" 19 days. My husband's emotional affair was "only" a month long... but, by your definition, "nothing happened"... my husband was pushing me away. My husband was forming a bond, a sexually charged bond, with someone other than myself. So, yes, something did, indeed happen. 

I know you have experience with infidelity of the physical form, as you have stated before. Please, don't diminish this man's feeling over what has happened in his family. An emotional affair is still a betrayal of the marriage vows. It is still cheating. Whether you believe it to be so or not.

Now, to Galway, I will say this: you CAN get past this, if you choose to do so. It may take some time. I know that, nearly 3 months after having discovered my husband's EA, I an now beginning to feel more "normal". And that was after he was texting for a month with this woman! You will need to be sure she is completely transparent. No hiding her phone, no locking it, no hiding passwords from you, nothing. Whether you are checking regularly or not, because she cheated, the burden of proof is on her. She needs to make sure you KNOW she is being faithful. That means she needs to be willing to allow you to see everything, including emails...and, this man is to be removed COMPLETELY from everything... from her cell phone, from her email contacts, from Facebook (if she has one)...everything. And she needs to go no contact, if she has not already... she needs to tell him "do not contact me any further"


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## CantSitStill

It's not as easy as people think when their wife has an emotional affair. Trust me, my husband is still struggling over it. I had an emotional affair with lots of i love you texts and hubby and I are 4 months later in MC and he triggers like crazy. Work on what needs to be different in your marriage, also boundries are very important, make sure she gives you all her passwords and lets you check everything she is doing on phone and computer. I hope you two can work this out, it's hard but we are not giving up. My thread is under private section called ups and downs..my hubby's name is Calvin if u ever wanna talk to him. I am so sorry you are going thru this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tm84

19 days or not, your wife did betray your trust and began an EA with another man. A huge boundary was crossed and done RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Obviously there is something missing in your marriage from your wife's point of view and she began looking elsewhere to fill that void. 

You still need to verify that there is ongoing non-contact because it could have still been taken underground. Also, at the very least, you should seek some kind of counseling, individual or marriage, to help you deal with the feelings you're experiencing.


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## chillymorn

try to be forgiving as much as you can and start snooping.

there have be more than a few stories where some husband comes on here and says the same thing it was only texting.

and some people on here will tell him make sure it wasn't physical and he knows for sure it was only texting bla,bla,bla.

and then after a while he comes back and says OH MY GOD you guys were right.

19 days of texting.......when i was looking for women I would have banged her by now!

hey maybe your right but I think maybe your starting to wonder and thats why you can't get past it.

If it were me I have to know and after reading some of the stories on here the only way or the best way is to act like everything is cool and start snooping... key loggers voice recorder whatever.

I hope I'm wrong and try to forgive but you can snoop alittle also!


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## canttrustu

Emotional affairs can wreck a marriage. It destroys trust. Sending naked pics is cheating-outright. No question. Do not just "let this go" You must be sure its over. Just b/c she says so doesnt make it so. Trust but verify.

Good luck and Im sorry youre here.


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## bandit.45

lamaga said:


> @Bandit, fine. Acknowledged. He still needs to concentrate on fixing his own marriage.


You know there are topical medications you can give your avatar for its skin blemishes. 

I gave some to mine but....hes dead.


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## Numb in Ohio

My H was having 2 EA's..(could of been PA, but no proof of) one was off and on for all of our 9 year marriage, with his ex high school gf.

The second was an old "friend",, they were talking and texting for 4 months, would have been longer if I wouldn't of found out.

I found out in Aug. of last year.. stayed together to try to work through it, which it just keep eating at me..

We separated almost 5 months ago,both went to IC , just starting MC this Thursday.. I have a list of make or break questions. I have kept that "gut" feeling he was lying about a lot, and/or withholding info..

As long as your W is remorseful, and becomes an open book.. and your "gut" is content.. then I wish you all the best in R. Just be sure she or yourself are not rug sweeping.


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## NewM

lamaga said:


> Okay, Galway, buck up because I am going to speak truth to you.
> 
> Nineteen days of texting and there was no physical contact. And you are willing to lose your wife and your family over this?
> 
> STOP THAT. You are being silly. Now, others will come onto here and talk to you about how to monitor her for the rest of time so that this never happens again, and that's fine, but the fact is?
> 
> NOTHING HAPPENED. Get over it. Go hug her and be glad that she is still with you. This is as big a deal as you choose to make it. Husbands are dealing every day with wives dying, wives literally in their beds with other men, wives deciding they are gay...each and every one of them would trade places with you in a heartbeat.


She planed on having sex with him and would if she didn't get caught,so its not like nothing happened.
You can say same thing to someone whose wife had ONS with saying IT HAPPENED ONLY ONCE get over it,there are people whose wives had porn star sex with multiple men at the same time and each and every one of them would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

Its not about your boundary or peoples who had worse thing happen to them boundary,its about his boundary.

To OP I think you should find out why your wife wanted to cheat on you and fix those things.If you were affectionate and good husband to her dump her or she will just wait for another chance to cheat on you later if you don't.

Also make sure there is no more contact between your wife and OM you shouldn't have to threaten OM to tell his wife if he doesn't stop contacting your wife,your wife should stop all contact with him if she wants to save her marriage and keep you.
I would give all messages he sent your wife to his wife,she needs to know,because he will probably do it again with someone else if not with your wife.


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## iheartlife

lamaga said:


> Nineteen days of texting and there was no physical contact.
> 
> NOTHING HAPPENED. Get over it. Go hug her and be glad that she is still with you. This is as big a deal as you choose to make it.


 It was 19 days because he CAUGHT her at 19 days. That is why it was 19 days. Maybe you missed that one word, because it is the entire point to this story. Are we really going to pretend this wouldn't have gone on for 50 days? 150 days? Well maybe not the sexting part. That would get old, so they probably would have moved on to something that even lamaga wouldn't like after it continued that long UNDETECTED by Galway.

Presumably, in junior high, the stakes weren't quite so high with a little texting. In junior high, "relationships" (for those who had them, because for the rest of us, they were confined to looking at people across the room) lasted about...oh, 19 days. We're talking life partnership, and children. Let's not be so quick, and so glib, about this type of issue. Let junior high stay back there with junior high, agreed? 

In his excellent book His Needs / Her Needs, which I suggest you buy NOW, Dr. Harley explains that this type of intimate communication leads to a powerful infatuation. THAT is why it's reserved for marriage partners. Yes, it crosses marital boundaries. But if people who entered emotional affairs could just wake up and end them with a snap of their fingers, then there would be no need for advice boards. Emotional affairs are fantasy escapes--they are first and foremost COMPULSIONS. Compulsion are extremely bad habits that are difficult to break. What is it they say about creating a habit? That it takes 21...er 19 days?

Another excellent book I recommend to you, Galway (and your wife) is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Shirley Glass was a nationally recognized researcher on infidelity. If you ever read her book, you will learn far more than you ever wanted to know about how emotional affairs start, function, and end. The book is so good that for anyone dealing with infidelity, I strongly suggest that you ask any marriage counselors you expect to consult whether or not they've read it. Our excellent MC pulled it off the shelf before I had a chance to mention it.

Here is why this is a big deal Galway--and you already know this. It's because you CAUGHT her. If she had come to you, all contrite and confessed, it would still disturb you greatly. But you would be able to see that she recognized it was wrong first, without you needing to intervene.

As far as fixing the relationship: affairs are the immature, stupid choices of people who are solving their problems--whatever they may be--in a very cowardly way. They know that what they're doing is wrong. Sometimes they do it because the marriage is in a bad place, but this DOES NOT excuse their choice. It sounds like you don't spend anywhere near enough time together. *Most marriage experts recommend a bare minimum to 10 to 15 hours A WEEK of one-on-one alone time without movies, computers, phones, etc. for a married couple to properly bond. Marriages in trouble require 20 hours of this time. Where do the two of you fall on this scale?*

Often swept under the rug, however--and this is why you must take this very seriously--is that beyond marital vulnerability, sometimes the reason for cheating lies partly or entirely inside the cheater. You can work all day long fixing the marriage, but some people are very broken. Perhaps they were betrayed by someone important to them earlier in life. Perhaps they suffer from a personality disorder. But regardless, in these cases, the answer does not lie solely with "working on the marriage" and it's misguided to think that there is an easy solution to these types of problems.

As far as verification that she is not still in contact--the reason so many are recommending this is that:

1. cheaters lie to _themselves_ in order to betray you. Then, as the fun picks up steam, they have to start to lie to _you_ to keep things secret and private. Once they are in a compulsive fantasy, they will go to great lengths to protect the fantasy.

2. you cannot fix a marriage with 3 people in it. Picture the two of you on a counselor's couch, while your wife holds hands with this man as he stands out in the hallway. Marriage counseling is HARD WORK. People don't bare their souls and do the necessary heavy lifting while in a fantasy bubble. Escapist behavior is extremely fun, and MC is generally not. 

I attended MC for 6+ months while my husband continued his emotional affair. I had no idea--because I didn't verify that it was over. I was uneducated about the power of infatuation and emotional affairs. I thought if my husband said it was over, then it was over. MC with a pro-marriage counselor TRAINED in the issues of infidelity is a revelation and I can say that our marriage is better than it's been in many years now. An MC like that will not gloss this over and pretend like nothing happened. I highly recommend MC under the above conditions and hope you'll go.

Like you--I had to catch my husband in his affair. He never would have ended it on his own, he freely acknowledges that. Realizing this makes me feel sometimes like a freight train roared past my face. I was inches away from this lasting for who knows how long. This is the feeling that you have. Learn from the mistakes of others. You have the ability to turn this around and have your marriage revitalized. But minimize those 19 days at your peril.


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## CantSitStill

Not sure if your wife is still feeling attached to this guy..how is she acting? Does she seem distracted? She may be in the fog and still fantasising about him or worse still finding ways to reach him..I sure hope not but please make sure you have your radar on and make sure she's an open book with you..hopefully this can be repaired but it's gonna take some work. Trust is hard and it will take some heavy lifting from her to get that back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio

By your post, if I understand, they have never seen each other in person? How did they get connected? 

If she didn't have any prior relationship with him, I don't see that they had enough time to build a strong emotional bond, compared to an old friend , an ex or a person they work with. If they were complete strangers before, that might be easier to get her past the fog.


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## Maricha75

Numb in Ohio said:


> By your post, if I understand, they have never seen each other in person? How did they get connected?
> 
> If she didn't have any prior relationship with him, I don't see that they had enough time to build a strong emotional bond, compared to an old friend , an ex or a person they work with. If they were complete strangers before, that might be easier to get her past the fog.


19 days can easily happen in a gaming community. The sexting and phone calls could have only been 19 days... OP didn't say the EA only lasted 19 days (I just caught that). They could have met online in pretty much any community message board, or on a game...social media. Anything. And this could easily have been going on for longer than the 19 days.

That said, 19 days is long enough for an infatuation to grow. Been there, done that as well. Believe it or not, you can cram a lot into 19 days of constant texting/sexting/calling. I can honestly say that, in less than a month, I had a stronger emotional bond with an EA partner than I did with a few of my ex-boyfriends.


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## iheartlife

Numb in Ohio said:


> By your post, if I understand, they have never seen each other in person? How did they get connected?
> 
> If she didn't have any prior relationship with him, I don't see that they had enough time to build a strong emotional bond, compared to an old friend , an ex or a person they work with. If they were complete strangers before, that might be easier to get her past the fog.


I likewise wonder how they met, and how they reached the point of sexting so quickly, if they were complete strangers.

This is something that slices both ways. They had a prior relationship so that is how it went from zero to 60? Or they didn't know each other at all and next thing you know she was sexting? Lose / lose, unfortunately.


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## Entropy3000

19 days is plenty of time to move through an EA to a PA. You have proof of this. They were meeting up sooooooo.

Inappropriate Behavior. -- check. Just starting up a relationship with another man and texting them this much is inappropriate. She never should have started this but she had poor boundaries so she did.

Unfaithfulness -- check. As soon as he started hitting on her and even before the sex talk this was unfaithful because she should have cut this off and gone NC on her own.

Cheating -- Meeting up up with this guy. OMG!!!!

So this is the golden sombraro. Hardly something to hug over. It was not just inappropriate amount of texting that went on for 19 days. I think even then she would have to go full NC with this guy. BUT, perhaps this was less of an EA and more of a conscious effort to cheat from the get go.

Once it went unfaithful this was serious stuff. Serious enough that many would divorce over. I suspect my limit would have been the planning to actually meet but that is just me.

She must go NC AND you need to monitor her complience. She will take three to six weeks to go through witdrawal. The thing is what was her intention? If she intended for this to happen then you have a more serious issue.

Also I do not buy that you have to stay on separate shifts. You choose to. You may feel the reasons for doing so outweigh keeping your marriage. This is a choice.

But curious why do you feel your can not change this? What do you guys do for a living?


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## calvin

fuserleer said:


> I suspect my wife of this at the moment, shes actually met the guy a few times, but from past, shes got many male friends, from before, and since we were together and they have never been a problem.
> 
> This current one is an issue tho, its sudden, and ripping shreds at my marriage and while I fully believe there's been nothing physical, there are forces at play.
> 
> IF me and my wife sort this out, it will take me some time to truly trust her again like I did before, and I'll always be wondering when and if the next one is coming along.
> 
> Forgive, but NEVER forget!


Thats close to my wife EA. Galway listen up!
Anyone who tells you this is no big deal or its 7th grade puppy love bs is full of it.
My wife contacted her hs bf on fb,it was an EA but then the texting and the phone calls started and became way more frequent,om was a player who now turns out is a warped possible dangerous individual,yeah its started slow,then they started meeting,it was only 3-4 times,nothing physical except for a couple quick pecks on the lips,makes me sick.Then the I loves yous started,first by him and after awhile she responded in kind,at the time me and WW were in MC,I knew something was up,just couldnt put my finger on who,at first I did'nt believe it,hell I had the gut feeling but denide it for awhile.
Even when I finally dragged it out of her she still wanted to "date" the OM,tried to have me leave,told me she wanted him and did'nt love me at all.Begged her to stop,all I saw was her head shaking back and forth "No,I want to date him,I want him,I dont want you!"
Good God I'm going off here...sorry.
Her EA almost destroyed our family,the OM still calls and taunts and says some vile,and I mean fvcking vile things. I'm in the proccess of taking care of him  he's scared now.
An EA where all fantasys come true is the biggest hoax of humankind.
Yes,in my mind physical and its over.
Never under estimate the damage that an EA can to to the BS.And in a rare occasion to the WW who hates themselve
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

calvin said:


> Thats close to my wife EA. Galway listen up!
> Anyone who tells you this is no big deal or its 7th grade puppy love bs is full of it.
> My wife contacted her hs bf on fb,it was an EA but then the texting and the phone calls started and became way more frequent,om was a player who now turns out is a warped possible dangerous individual,yeah its started slow,then they started meeting,it was only 3-4 times,nothing physical except for a couple quick pecks on the lips,makes me sick.Then the I loves yous started,first by him and after awhile she responded in kind,at the time me and WW were in MC,I knew something was up,just couldnt put my finger on who,at first I did'nt believe it,hell I had the gut feeling but denide it for awhile.
> Even when I finally dragged it out of her she still wanted to "date" the OM,tried to have me leave,told me she wanted him and did'nt love me at all.Begged her to stop,all I saw was her head shaking back and forth "No,I want to date him,I want him,I dont want you!"
> Good God I'm going off here...sorry.
> Her EA almost destroyed our family,the OM still calls and taunts and says some vile,and I mean fvcking vile things. I'm in the proccess of taking care of him  he's scared now.
> An EA where all fantasys come true is the biggest hoax of humankind.
> Yes,in my mind physical and its over.
> Never under estimate the damage that an EA can to to the BS.And in a rare occasion to the WW who hates themselve
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Christ I went off...sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Put this on the choping block NOW
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife

calvin said:


> Christ I went off...sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You and me both. I was actually very, very angry earlier this evening. Glib dismissiveness of the hard-earned experience of others tends to do that to me.


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## CantSitStill

Yeah glad I saw this thread when I did, lets hope that one chick didn't scare him off
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Yeah...ahhh ! Dont sit on your @ss man! Put a stop to it before its too late.Almost was for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

calvin said:


> Christ I went off...sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think its ok. We can see how this stuff impacts real people.


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## Maricha75

CantSitStill said:


> Yeah glad I saw this thread when I did, lets hope that one chick didn't scare him off
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm thinking she didn't. There were a few that came nearly as soon as she replied. So, he got bombarded with REAL advice almost immediately as well.


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## warlock07

lamaga said:


> Okay, Galway, buck up because I am going to speak truth to you.
> 
> Nineteen days of texting and there was no physical contact. And you are willing to lose your wife and your family over this?
> 
> STOP THAT. You are being silly. Now, others will come onto here and talk to you about how to monitor her for the rest of time so that this never happens again, and that's fine, but the fact is?
> 
> NOTHING HAPPENED. Get over it. Go hug her and be glad that she is still with you. This is as big a deal as you choose to make it. Husbands are dealing every day with wives dying, wives literally in their beds with other men, wives deciding they are gay...each and every one of them would trade places with you in a heartbeat.


What a crock of sh!t!!! I usually respect your opinions though I don't agree sometimes but this is the, most idiotic advice you can give to a guy who was cheated upon.

And he should be glad that she is still with him? Just because other people have worse problems, he should just roll over and let it be? You are incredible.

OP, this advice is garbage. Emotional affairs can be as painful as having a physical affair. I would sugest that you head over to the "Coping with the infidelity " section of the website. And inform the guy's wife of what happened. That will reduce any chances of the affair resuming from his end.


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## calvin

warlock07 said:


> What a crock of sh!t!!! I usually respect your opinions though I don't agree sometimes but this is the, most idiotic advice you can give to a guy who was cheated upon.
> 
> And he should be glad that she is still with him? Just because other people have worse problems, he should just roll over and let it be? You are incredible.
> 
> OP, this advice is garbage. Emotional affairs can be as painful as having a physical affair. I would sugest that you head over to the "Coping with the infidelity " section of the website. And inform the guy's wife of what happened. That will reduce any chances of the affair resuming from his end.


Yep,stop it now.EAs move with lightning speed,longer it goes on the harder it is to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer

lamaga said:


> Anchorwatch, be sensible...what is he supposed to "expose"?
> 
> My wife really liked your husband and they traded emails?
> 
> Pshaw. This is 7th grade stuff.
> 
> OP needs to figure out what's wrong in his own marriage, not go around messing with other people.


Lamaga,

I have to disagree with you on this one too!

The OM was texting " He was telling her she was beautiful and he started describing what he would do to her sexually"

That POS is a predator and his wife should know! If your hubby was having text exchanges like this, wouldn't you want to know?


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## Toffer

CantSitStill said:


> Yeah glad I saw this thread when I did, lets hope that one chick didn't scare him off
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, while I disagree strongly with lamaga on this, I have to jump in here and defend her because if you look at her other posts on this site you'll discover that she's a very astute individual and doesn't buy into any of the cheaters BS.

lamaga, not sure what happened when you first posted here. Have some coffee and see ya later!


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## Maricha75

Toffer said:


> OK, while I disagree strongly with lamaga on this, I have to jump in here and defend her because if you look at her other posts on this site you'll discover that she's a very astute individual and doesn't buy into any of the cheaters BS.
> 
> lamaga, not sure what happened when you first posted here. Have some coffee and see ya later!


I think she was having a bad day. Don't quote me on that. Everyone is entitled to bad days. But, I do agree that her advice, in this case was.... misguided, at the very least.


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## Aristotle

lamaga, your advice is usually dead on, but I have now noticed, when it comes to EA (emotional affairs), you are usually off the mark. I am not sure if this is something you feel isn't bad, but an EA is worst than a physical affair in my book. I think a physical affair it's easy to turn off all emotion and shut down. If my wife was to have a physical affair, there would be no inner struggle. It would be.... I am gone. It would hurt, it would break my heart, but there would be no struggle. I know my next move.

An emotional affair is a different beast, because it may not be something you flat out leave her over. It may be something you resent and hold inside for years, maybe even revenge affairs with other women and no longer respecting your own vows. Selling your own self out and becoming a cheater or mean person, because you now have all these hateful emotions towards your spouse. An EA can lead into a long slow death of a marriage, while a PA could have ended it in a day. This is the problem with an EA. You never know where you stand, you never know if its a fantasy or something that was going to be real, you never know if she really loved him (she didn't sleep with him!), you never know if she really meant all those bad things she said, because she technically never left you, you never know how she felt about him, and you feel like a rebound forever. You feel like 2nd place, the guy she stayed with because she was already married, not the guy she WANTED anymore. She made the "smart" choice when she was caught and stuck with the safe option, but in her heart, if she was young and single, she wouldn't have chose you. You never know if his talk of sex was better than your actual sex. 

This is the sh*t you deal with in an EA. This is only the TIP of the iceberg. 

OP should expose OM, should make sure his wife establishes NO CONTACT, and get into MC to see what the problem was. Nothing made his wife cheat on him, but you can see what things were going wrong to lead her in the wrong direction. Hopefully his wife isn't just a cake eater and thinks her husband is "perfect". If that's the case, he will never be able to trust her again. If she will cheat on the perfect guy, who won't she cheat on.


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## tacoma

Galway said:


> I am 40 and my wife is 33 we have a 7 and 4 ys old boys. We have been married for nine years and together for 13.
> 
> We work seperate schedules and there is nothing that can be done about it. Unfortunately, my wife was texting and talking on the phone with another married man. This went on for 19 days. They would text all time during the day and often in fron of me with me being oblivious. He was telling her she was beautiful and he started describing what he would do to her sexually. During the texting, she never met him or saw him anywhere. He kept trying, but it never happened. On the day that they were going to meet, I caught her and everything stopped. I confronted him and threatened to tell his wife.
> 
> My wife has appologized and admitted that she was confused and was unsure if she loved me when this was going on. It has been two months and I can not let it go. She has been affectionate to me and swears that she will never make another mistake. Any suggestions?


Tell his wife and show her the texts.

This will nearly guarantee the affair doesn`t start up again.

It`s going to take a lot longer than two months and it will never really leave you.


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## tacoma

lamaga said:


> Anchorwatch, be sensible...what is he supposed to "expose"?
> 
> My wife really liked your husband and they traded emails?
> 
> Pshaw. This is 7th grade stuff.
> 
> OP needs to figure out what's wrong in his own marriage, not go around messing with other people.


So seeing texts from your husband to another woman detailing the sexual acts he plans on performing with her wouldn`t even give you a moments pause?

You`d do "nothing"?


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## iheartlife

tacoma said:


> So seeing texts from your husband to another woman detailing the sexual acts he plans on performing with her wouldn`t even give you a moments pause?
> 
> You`d do "nothing"?


It's even worse than that. They had planned to meet up the very day he caught her.

There's no innocent way to slice this. As I said before, 19 days and they go from zero to 60? Or else they knew each other before.


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## Enginerd

lamaga said:


> Anchorwatch, be sensible...what is he supposed to "expose"?
> 
> My wife really liked your husband and they traded emails?
> 
> Pshaw. This is 7th grade stuff.
> 
> OP needs to figure out what's wrong in his own marriage, not go around messing with other people.



I hope this is the same advice you would give a women who's husband was sexting someone.


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## Glenn Quagmire

Galway said:


> I am 40 and my wife is 33 we have a 7 and 4 ys old boys. We have been married for nine years and together for 13.
> 
> We work seperate schedules and there is nothing that can be done about it. Unfortunately, my wife was texting and talking on the phone with another married man. This went on for 19 days. They would text all time during the day and often in fron of me with me being oblivious. He was telling her she was beautiful and he started describing what he would do to her sexually. During the texting, she never met him or saw him anywhere. He kept trying, but it never happened. On the day that they were going to meet, I caught her and everything stopped. I confronted him and threatened to tell his wife.
> 
> My wife has appologized and admitted that she was confused and was unsure if she loved me when this was going on. It has been two months and I can not let it go. She has been affectionate to me and swears that she will never make another mistake. Any suggestions?


You need to even the odds, my man. Flirt with a chick at work, prove to yourself that you still got it. Trust me, you'll feel better about this whole thing, balance needs to be restored.


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## Numb in Ohio

Glenn Quagmire said:


> You need to even the odds, my man. Flirt with a chick at work, prove to yourself that you still got it. Trust me, you'll feel better about this whole thing, balance needs to be restored.



Two wrongs, don't make a right.


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## Entropy3000

iheartlife said:


> It's even worse than that. They had planned to meet up the very day he caught her.
> 
> There's no innocent way to slice this. As I said before, 19 days and they go from zero to 60? Or else they knew each other before.


I think the speed of this speaks to intent as well. So I would just say that there is a clear unfaithful element with this.

This seems to have gone sexual very quickly. It does not sound like a typical EA where there are references to missing the other person or suggesting there is a deep friendship love. This seems more lustful from the start. It smacks of flat wanting to cheat.


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## canttrustu

Glenn Quagmire said:


> You need to even the odds, my man. Flirt with a chick at work, prove to yourself that you still got it. Trust me, you'll feel better about this whole thing, balance needs to be restored.


REALLY??? Wow. This is so unproductive.


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## Unsure in Seattle

Glenn Quagmire said:


> You need to even the odds, my man. Flirt with a chick at work, prove to yourself that you still got it. Trust me, you'll feel better about this whole thing, balance needs to be restored.


This advice is about as useful as saying "Forget about it; go give your wife a hug, 'cause people have had it way worse than you and nothing happened."

Fortunately, nobody 'round these parts would say something so fatuous and belittling.


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## CantSitStill

yeah sure go flirt with other girls..like that's not gonna make things worse..shaking my head
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonedcompletely

Glenn Quagmire said:


> You need to even the odds, my man. Flirt with a chick at work, prove to yourself that you still got it. Trust me, you'll feel better about this whole thing, balance needs to be restored.


The maturity of this statement is mind blowing:scratchhead:


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## Maricha75

Beginning to wonder if Galway is a "post and run"....


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## calvin

God...He's getting some bad advice from a couple people.
I'm surpised at lamagma or whatever her screen name is,I've seen her post and her advice is usually pretty good.Must of had an off day..it happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Galway

Sorry it took me so long to post back. Calvin, thank you!

My wife and I are doing well. When I first posted the thread, I did not put everything down. When I was reading the responses, I realized that I left out some important information. The whole story is she met him wher she works. He came in with a patient and he requested her on Facebook, which she accepted. He would comment on her post in public, but sent her a private message with his phone number asking her to text him. SHE DID! At this time, we were going through some tough times. I was not helping with our sons and she was resenting me. I was not giving her any affection or compliments and we would go months without sex. I treated her like the mother of my children not my wife. 
So, the night she text him, they started texting each other everyday. He would compliment her and ask to meet her. She would refuse, but kept texting him. THERE WAS NO SEXTING, just texting. Then he would tell her what he would do to her and he started calling her when Iwas at work. They would talk on the phone for an hour at a time. She told me that she did not love me on the 19th day of the two of them texting. He called her and she told him what she said to me. He told her that he was coming over my house when I was at work so he could comfort her. UGH! Anyway, I checked the phone record before he came to my house and called her from work. She admitted evrything to me. I called him and threatened him. Ever since then, I have left my house several times because of my hurt and anger and slept on friends couches. My wife has cried and sent me cards and is seeing a therapist. She has become more affectionate and loving than before. I secretly check her phone records and there is nothing to show that she is involved with anyone. It has been 3 months now, and I am still hurt and I still do not trust her. WHY?


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## ladybird

Tell the other mans wife. Do not leave her in the dark about this.. She has the right to know also. It probably is not the first time, he will find someone else to do it with.

Your wife would have gone through with it if you wouldn't have stopped her.. Texting someone is one thing, but when i becomes sexual it is an entirely different ball-game.

You need to set boundires with her, because this is not OK!


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## Po12345

Think VERY strongly before telling the other man's wife. A married "other man" is certainly better than a divorced other man, if you follow what I'm saying.


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## NextTimeAround

Po12345 said:


> Think VERY strongly before telling the other man's wife. A married "other man" is certainly better than a divorced other man, if you follow what I'm saying.


No, I don't follow.

and Galway, I too am trying to work out from an EA that my fiance had. And what's galling to me is that he called her "his only friend in town."

When I thin about it, I see new aspects to all the information that I know about it. Lately, I realise how often she inquired to him about our sex life. the obvious question to ask is, do you agree that this is an acceptable activity between friends, especially opposite friends.

Thank goodness for this message board. I am here to let off steam.

I am definitely in the camp that EAs are equally damaging as PAs. One, as you noticed, they are quite often preludes to PAs.

But even if they are not, there is no point in being someone's spouse if they are prioritising someone else in their / your life.

And of course as we see with Lamaga, she seems to think that when a spouse spends most of the day in another world in cyberspace ignoring not only the spouse but also the children, there's obviously nothing wrong with that. You need to avoid those types.


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## iheartlife

My husband and I are reconciled after his long term emotional affair. You can do this, too, but you need to sort out whether or not this is something you can handle. Not eveyone can choose to trust again.

Here is what I did:
Found a therapist for ME

Read the books Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, His Needs / Her Needs, Love Busters, 5 Love Languages

Found an excellent marriage counselor, one trained in infidelity; I received a referral from local sex / porn addiction counselors. My H is neither but they are educated in compulsions (EAs are a good example) as well as infidelity for obvious reasons

Verifiy no contact. I would ask your wife to take her facebook page down, put a keylogger on the computer if you haven't already.

Find out if the OM has a criminal background, your wife doesn't know him from Adam

Tell his wife, nearly always men will dump the woman and return to their wives, plus she should know

Sit down with her family and have her tell them in front of you. Tell them you are working on your marriage and you need their love and support.

Stop leaving the house, if you divorce you don't want to lose out by being accused of abandonment.

Look up Almostrecovered's posts, his signature has recommendations for newbies, including how to tell if your spouse is remorseful.

Have your thread moved to Coping with Infidelity
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41

Po12345 said:


> Think VERY strongly before telling the other man's wife. A married "other man" is certainly better than a divorced other man, if you follow what I'm saying.


Sorry that's bad advice.
Exposing the EA to the OMW is one of the things that helps to stop the A not escalate it. She also has a right to know what her H has been up to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345

daisygirl 41 said:


> Sorry that's bad advice.
> Exposing the EA to the OMW is one of the things that helps to stop the A not escalate it. She also has a right to know what her H has been up to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is this true? I've thought about perhaps saying something to the OMW in my situation but my counselor advised against it.


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## canttrustu

po12345 said:


> is this true? I've thought about perhaps saying something to the omw in my situation but my counselor advised against it.


no. You should expose him to her! She deserves to know what she's dealing with, just like you do. My counselor was all FOR exposure. Outting both of them to everyone ASAP. Kill the secrecy-its half the fun ya know.


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## daisygirl 41

Po12345 said:


> Is this true? I've thought about perhaps saying something to the OMW in my situation but my counselor advised against it.


Yes its true. 
Look at all the stories here where there has been exposure. I found out this way. The OWH exposed the A to me. I had no idea it was still going on. Within 2 weeks the A was over. When something is a secret, its exciting, when its blown into the open, reality strikes.
Also she has a right to know that her H is cheating on her, she will also be able to keep an eye form her end then.

Why did the counselor advise against it?


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## calvin

Galway said:


> Sorry it took me so long to post back. Calvin, thank you!
> 
> My wife and I are doing well. When I first posted the thread, I did not put everything down. When I was reading the responses, I realized that I left out some important information. The whole story is she met him wher she works. He came in with a patient and he requested her on Facebook, which she accepted. He would comment on her post in public, but sent her a private message with his phone number asking her to text him. SHE DID! At this time, we were going through some tough times. I was not helping with our sons and she was resenting me. I was not giving her any affection or compliments and we would go months without sex. I treated her like the mother of my children not my wife.
> So, the night she text him, they started texting each other everyday. He would compliment her and ask to meet her. She would refuse, but kept texting him. THERE WAS NO SEXTING, just texting. Then he would tell her what he would do to her and he started calling her when Iwas at work. They would talk on the phone for an hour at a time. She told me that she did not love me on the 19th day of the two of them texting. He called her and she told him what she said to me. He told her that he was coming over my house when I was at work so he could comfort her. UGH! Anyway, I checked the phone record before he came to my house and called her from work. She admitted evrything to me. I called him and threatened him. Ever since then, I have left my house several times because of my hurt and anger and slept on friends couches. My wife has cried and sent me cards and is seeing a therapist. She has become more affectionate and loving than before. I secretly check her phone records and there is nothing to show that she is involved with anyone. It has been 3 months now, and I am still hurt and I still do not trust her. WHY?


Gal, Been awhile,hope you doing better.
Your story mirrors mine a lot,we are 5 months into R
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Whoops,5 months into R,still hurts but getting better,some days are really good,some really bad but the healing is ongoing.
How you doing Man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Galway said:


> Sorry it took me so long to post back. Calvin, thank you!
> 
> My wife and I are doing well. When I first posted the thread, I did not put everything down. When I was reading the responses, I realized that I left out some important information. The whole story is she met him wher she works. He came in with a patient and he requested her on Facebook, which she accepted. He would comment on her post in public, but sent her a private message with his phone number asking her to text him. SHE DID! At this time, we were going through some tough times. I was not helping with our sons and she was resenting me. I was not giving her any affection or compliments and we would go months without sex. I treated her like the mother of my children not my wife.
> So, the night she text him, they started texting each other everyday. He would compliment her and ask to meet her. She would refuse, but kept texting him. THERE WAS NO SEXTING, just texting. Then he would tell her what he would do to her and he started calling her when Iwas at work. They would talk on the phone for an hour at a time. She told me that she did not love me on the 19th day of the two of them texting. He called her and she told him what she said to me. He told her that he was coming over my house when I was at work so he could comfort her. UGH! Anyway, I checked the phone record before he came to my house and called her from work. She admitted evrything to me. I called him and threatened him. Ever since then, I have left my house several times because of my hurt and anger and slept on friends couches. My wife has cried and sent me cards and is seeing a therapist. She has become more affectionate and loving than before. I secretly check her phone records and there is nothing to show that she is involved with anyone. It has been 3 months now, and I am still hurt and I still do not trust her. WHY?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz

this is sad. once you get give that emotional part of you away to someone else who is not you, then its only a matter of time before they are getting somthing else period. it is cheating! regardless if its physicall. the emotional part is the entire makeup of the relationship it deals with the loyalty trust companionship, etc. Im sorry you are hurting over this. i will tell you if she says that she is confused an isnt sure if she loves you anymore that either shes going to stop it or continue with it more secretively. i done that in an old relationship and it was something i could never give back to my partner even after forgiveness. just keep an eye out!


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## calvin

This can be overcome,Me and my wife are doing it after her EA,yes it hurt,wasnt physical,the I love you's hurt like hell.My wife made a terrible choice and regrets it and is very remorseful and sometimes hates herself.
It can be done,been there still going through it,5 months in
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allonmyshoulders

I have just went through something similar and I am confused how to move on, I have been very supportive of the marriage and excellent husband that pampers and loves her all the time. But as soon as we were apart for 3 weeks while I prepared our international move and sent her ahead of me with our son she formed this relationship with my one good friend. The part that was worse for me was that she decided to explore it and reveal her feelings for him after I came home.

Anyways I am working on moving past this but I still have some trust issues because she deleted all evidence and tried to down play it when she confessed. I am not really snooping I just probe about where about one days I am feeling insecure.

I have been open about needing her to be far less private while we regain our trust but she says she just resents me when I probe and doesn't feel like she can give me what I need....

I feel like I am always the one cleaning up all the messes and this time was enough I told her that her actions broke me and us and she has to fix it this time; but her actions are always lacking; I need more than just hugs and sex to trust her again.

I am at a loss of what to do, I don't want to sacrafice our relationship because she was an impulsive idiot. But at the same time I need to know she will fight for me.


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