# Staying strong and silent-Divorcing possibly Bi&asbusive H



## blueorange (Jul 2, 2012)

I had a previous thread on here where I was struggling with deppression and an EA related to my alcoholic abusive husband who I later found out was actually responding to male4male ads on craigslist for the last few years and now I have discovered that I "may" have an STD I do not believe I got before we were together 5 years ago. I say May because my DR is just about a quack OR very indirect. (it is hpv she says it is so common, cells may mimic, they just screen for the cancer, etc like it was no big deal at all!)

I live in a small town and I have a well meaning but nosy family. I practically ran off an aunt this morning who wanted to come talk to me about my problems, probably a tough it out story since she is married to an alcoholic and that's basically the only story I am giving people and I told her I did not want to talk about it. The people who need to know the truth ...know. 

Now I want to volunteer to work for the holidays instead of spending every moment with my beautiful son because I do NOT want to face questions, etc. Now so MANY MANY people are asking what happened. I want to EXPLODE. I DO NOT have any acknowldgement from my ex either. He has not admitted to anything, thinks we are making a mistake, tells me how much he loves me , etc. I have already served him papers and got the ball rolling.

Long story below...im sorry if it is out of context I am too tired to update it. Some of my feelings were current at the time I wrote them. 

I got myself into what I considered an EA with an old BF and I felt very very bad about it. I still have friendly talks with my "friend" sometimes who I do think about. I know it was related to my lonliness and emotional abandonment from H. 

About my H...I became pregnant 6 months into our marriage 3 years ago. I remember the that new feeling not lasting that long in our relationship but we had fun together. I can even remember on our honeymoon though, feeling sad because he seemed more interesting in partying then having sex with me. I think one night he even made me feel bad because I wanted it just a little "rough" and he was like have you been raped? LIke I was a weirdo or something! 
I even remember when I sort of wanted to have a baby, he was up for it but it was sort of a challenge getting him to "try" with me. He would want to sometimes but he would mostly be like. I don't want to plan it, etc. He would after he would drink usually. 
When I was pregnant, I cried all of the time because he still went drinking every weekend and most weekdays with his friends. He was mean to me and didn't act particularly interested or excited in much. He had already started sleeping on the couch before I got pregnant, said he had to sleep with the TV on.

He only took me to the movies once after I complained, but during the day so he could still hang out with his buddies that night and he slept during the movie. At times I would confront him about his drinking or treatment of me and that resulted in him choking me again on 3 different occasions while I was pregnant,and 2 weeks before I was due, actually the day i quit my job of 3 years, he was drunk and we started arguing because I wanted him to stay sober in case I went into labor. While arguing he grabbed and broke a broom over my back. I took pictures because I bled and bruised, but I deleted them after he found them to not start another fight. He never really even truly apologized for it. When I bring it up he says I have no proof, won't comment. I feel like i shouldve left then sometimes but I really got into denial about it, I never ever thought he would do that to me.

I've always had my "ditsy" moments, I'm a daydreamer and im not detail oriented but he belittles me because of it. 


When he was home he was only sleeping or drinking or watching tv. I felt like if I asked him anything or had any sort of complaint about how I feel unloved etc he started yelling at me, telling me how stupid that is, I am "chasing dragons" etc. We had sex sometimes but not as often as I wanted. I took care of myself ALL OF THE TIME AND COMPLAINED ABOUT HAVING TO DO SO. 

NONE of my other friends have this problem but I just thought it was because he was an alcoholic and older. I have cried myself to sleep so many many nights. It was so easy to start an EA I guess. I have gotten so angry at romance movies, thinking I will never have that. I have told and told myself if he ever hurt me again I would be gone in a blink of an eye, or when I make my own income again. He has said things when he is drunk like I probably used to suck **** in high school in front of our son. Oh but then I got flowers the next day and had to hear from someone how sweet my husband is. 


All I can do or say "I don't deserve to be talked to like that" but it doesnt matter. Happened all of the time. I got yelled at over nothing. Something was missing and I am retarded because I must have been the one to lose it. It doesnt matter if our son is in his high chair eating breakfast. 

The most he would ever do is say sorry in a sarcastic voice. I was so very tired of being treated and talked to like a dog, especially in front of our son. I am a forgiving person. But he left a bitter taste in my mouth. He would never acknowledge any little thing that I see wrong or feel hurt by. He got pissed off if I pointed out anything. He makes up excuses for everything. 


I screamed at him, demanded he stop drinking so much, sleep with me in our bed at night (he dID maybe once a month), have sex with me more. I do not feel that I am unattractive.


I would tell him how unhappy I was, then apologize for it. he said, I am sorry you feel that way. Again, no responsibility for my sense of lonliness and distance I feel from him. It is always in my head, or I wouldnt be so deppressed if I got a job, etc. Never mentioning how far we have grown apart sleeping in seperate rooms, how he treats me, etc.

My discovery...

a few months back, I saw that this year, 5 days after we had a getaway and had sex, he created a new email account with mail.com using a user name like hardate##. I thought I remembered seeing a mail.com app on his iphone for a while and thinking it was strange. Well I gained access to that. I saw that the same morning he made that email account he responded 3 times to a m4m submissive oral ad on craiglist all within about 4 hours. They said "in the area today, need head, hit me up ASAP." They were in the deleted messaged but I recovered them. I was literally shaking. He is a salsesman, drives a company car, has a work phone, travels to different towns. the ad was taken down so I dont know what town he was trying to go to. It actually looks like they never wrote back because kept hitting them up. pfft. I am not underestimating my husband, but he is the type to never delete emails. I actually went back and combed through 2000 other emails from over a year and this was the only thing like this. 

Well, my emotions are very hard to supress. I found this while he was getting drunk outside in his brother's yard. Originally, I wanted to wait until he PASSED out to leave him at his brothers, leave with our son. That didnt happen so easily. I said somethng, and he got all defensive saying he had no idea what i was talking about, yelling at me. He choked me and pinned me to the bed next to my son to get his phone back. I went in the living room and he kept on cussing me telling me i wasnt some victim i better not call my daddy etc, even in front of my niece after she woke up. I told him i wasnt mad, believed him, etc whatever, I just wanted to leave, he took my phone and the keys and went and sat in the car for a while. I told my niece to go ask her dad what their address was and she told me. I was so mad but strangely calm. I found his brothers phone and called my father. But then I went outside and told him that I had called 911 and the police were coming to let me leave so he would let us go. I told him i would put his brothers phone on the ground when i got in the car strapped in our son and started it. He relunctantly gave me my dead phone and the keys. After i started the car he started walking towards it fast so i called 911 and got out the address and he turned around so i hung up. I just didnt want to mess with cop drama, i dont know. 

The next day on and for about a solid week I got to see a 360 personality change. I have been at my parents' house. He was been crying his eyes out to me, saying he was so sorry for flirting with that girl, but he was not gay and someone or me set him up on the other thing. I told him I saw what I saw, and he would go on and on how he swore to god, swore on his life, etc. Said he was a monster, would stop drinking, stuff I have never heard before even when he abused me before. Of course I told him he was only sorry for getting caught. In the slightest instance, i feel guilty because he has never known about me talking to my old boyfriend, but how can I feel bad now? he wanted bjs from dudes no wonder I was lonely? I called him names, told him it made sense he was gay, why I was always lonely, etc. I said I wanted a divorce and he would just break down begging me not to say that. 

he started sending me pictures of our family photoes saying this was our path forever, sending me marriage quotes, etc. Even telling me I was right all along, that his ex wife ruined his heard but now he wanted to fix it with the reality of losing me. Again, stuff he never cared about before when I was lonely, crying, desperate for attention, getting choked, etc. After a week of me badgering him with the facts and bascially, being pretty mean in general, he came over to my parents crying and said he did create that email just to "see what would happen." and that he thought "a woman wouldve been worse." that he "never wanted our son to know that he wanted him to look up to him." He also said he we could have a great marraige he would do everything, etc. I was just numb and looked at him like I saw a ghost. 


Pt.2



I went home another week and then Moved back in with my parents. I have been here for 2 weeks. I have a lawyer retained, waiting on some financial details to pull the trigger I guess. I am going through so many emotions right now.
WHen I was back at home, trying to make things work with him
I was up for this job and I was looking through my email for some writing samples. I came across where he
was doing this same thing 2 years ago from MY EMAIL. responding to a m4m ad on craigslist offering oral sex, he responded to this very graphic ad that he "was ready'. Ok well the date on this was August 19, 2010, when I was about 6 months pregnant, left the night before and flew out of state that morning on a business trip! I actually remember that day very well! When I landed his brother was blowing up my phone wondering where my husband was because he didnt go to work that day. (They worked together then). Later after he didnt answer the phone his brother told me found out my husband had a wreck and was in the hospital. I flipped out of course, and called and called and finally I got an answer. he told me that ON THE WAY TO WORK, he hit a deer that morning, and he hit his head so he DROVE HIMSELF to the hospital but nothing was wrong and he didnt stay. I thought that was WEIRD then! we never got a bill, etc, 

After the recent discovery, things have changed to , he never went to the hospital at all that day, but he did hit a deer and stayed home and he made a stupid mistake by repsonding to that ad. First he said it was because if it would have been a woman he knew I would think he was trying to cheat because he had NO intentions of ever meeting up with anyone. OK but he WAS NOT CURIOUS. Why would a man look at a gay man saying he wanted to blah blah and respond to that? Come on???!!! I know we have had good sex but that doesnt mean he isnt bi hasnt cheated on me with a man. Now im supposed to believe those were the ONLY 2 times he ever responded to ads, because they are the only 2 ads I found!
I contacted his ex wife through email, who is actually quite nice. She told me alot of things that directly contradict things he told me. like that she did not get an abortion and he told people that when they got a divorice to make her look bad. He has always always told me she was a *****, blah blah. But everything she described to me sounded like him! 
I have not told her the gay thing yet, I am still not sure who I want to know about this. Even though maybe if I do tell her something might click. She did tell me some disturbing things about my husband though. That when they were first together, over 13 years ago now, she found a video of him and 2 other men taking turns having sex with a woman. She also told me that a young girl around 14 told her younger sister she used to give him oral sex, and he was 26 then. 

Im just beyond a level of sanity at this point. I remember when I was pregnant so well, he didnt touch me for MONTHS, was abusive to me, was he resenting hisself? I dont know. Im so sick. And how can I still love this person? And think this person will change because he is being sweet and good with our son. every time i see a family i want to cry or i do cry. what if he really would change or this is all because i am on to something about him. Now he went from suicide threats to lets just get it over with and no fighting meaning he isnt going to talk about any of this/clarify anything. Its just Im stupid, deny, etc. He says he loves me and thinks this is a mistake but he wont talk about why he never showed me he didnt love me before. Im so lost. 

I was close to detaching 2 weeks ago, and then I started missing him, wanting to touch him, etc. We had make up sex (I know I am stupid) and I came home for about a week. I started feeling weird though. Like I will regret this, I am not going to feel the same about him ever. He was being nice, making me breakfast, etc. It made me feel so guilty that I still thinking about a way out. He would say I love you and I would cringe saying it back...

Then at work the other night, I just didn't write him at all and he was mad at me for not texting him all evening. We argued about that a bit, which I told him I was still very confused about things. We had still not been to a counselor, he thinks he can just act nice and things are swept under the rug. He lied to me about things his ex wife told me, (he never laid a hand on her, but just me) and I just 100% believe her because her experiences are similar. 
Then the nice act dropped and he told me i was probably sucking ***** all day (while I am working) ok and he said this in front of my son so I lost it and told him to get out. He already had a rent house sort of picked out and so he started crying and said he was sorry etc but I didnt care. That disrespect is exactly why I am where I am now and finally in a position to stand up for myself and be done. I agreed to put forth mostly all of his check to him moving out for my sanity, even though I have NO idea how I am going to pay for the house we own. I am so confused and my lawyaer is not calling me back. he knows my parents got me a lawyer and has actually been acting so like concerned about me and etc and it makes me mad. LIke offering to give me this much a month, and letting me keep the house blah blah. He is even still wanting to keep his part time job for my dad and come over and feed the dogs I am going to lose my mind. I am staying at my parents again for a few days while he gets his things and PRAYING my lawyer calls me tommorrow since it is friday and i want the ball to start rolling. UGH. AND on that note i also feel relief. 



I went to the Gyno back in the spring for my yearly check up and she told me my pap was slightly abnormal and to come back in 6 months instead of a year because sometimes those things can clear up on their own. When I went back this month I found out that I had tested positive for HPV back in the spring but they didn't tell me that because it is so common in women they just look for the cancee and she said sometimes cells can mimic that but then I tested again and I am positive again with abnormal cells so I am having some sort of more intense screening done to check for cancerous cells. I had the nurse look back to see if I had it while pregnant she said no. I am so confused. Why woulnd't they tell a women she had this? Is this further proof I was cheated on or could this have been doRMANT in my system from my wilder days pre-marriage? (5years ago) ughhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
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I am so depressed. I am so lost. I am mourning the loss of my family, the good times we had. I am dreading the possibilities of cancer, telling a future partner I may have an STD...



Of course he has has not admitted anything, if I have anything it had to be dormant, he has never cheated on me, loves me, thinks we are making a mistake, etc. The more and more time I spend apart from him I feel sick though, like thinking about his "closet" behavior. I feel so stupid, so ashamed and lied to. I feel so terribly out of sorts. I am SO TIRED of people asking me what happened.


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