# Sexless Marraige



## Stormbringer (Apr 1, 2014)

This is my first post and frankly I don't even know why I am posting but I just want somewhere to put my feelings and issues into words. I am sure it will not help but I have to try.

I have been married for some 25 years. We have never had an "amazing" sex life but it has been adequate enough. However, during the last few years it has declined significantly. In the last two years we have only has penetrative sex once. My wife has in the last two years occasionally rewarded me with hand relief if I perform oral sex on her (which I enjoy). However, even this has now been taken away. On the last few occasions that I have performed oral on her she has made me finish myself off and in a separate room. We have not even engaged in this now for over six months.

I now have to masturbate every day on my own. I am finding that I am drinking significant amounts of alcohol and just feel very alone. I have considered visiting prostitutes but have not the courage to do this but I crave for some intamacy.

Why I have posted this I am not sure but at least I have made my feelings known - even to an anonymous forum.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi Stormbringer.

Very sorry for your situation. Does your wife give any reason that things have changed? Have you been able to talk to her about it at all? Do you consider divorcing her? 

That seems especially cruel that she expected you to please her - but would then banish you to another room and not return the favor. 

How is your marriage otherwise?


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I can feel your pain through your post. Do you have any idea what her problem is? Is she mean all the time or just about sex? 

I had several issues that hindered our sex life. Good girl syndrome, child of an alcoholic, fear of intimacy, resentment of husband, extreme insecurity, too much stress, too much responsibility, and more. Do you have any idea what her problem/s are? 

How long can you continue to suffer? She definitely needs to know how dire the situation is or she will continue her abusive behavior.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you accept this from her? Have you talked to her about the situation?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A root cause analysis is called for...

Could you provide some background ie ethnic / religion, kids, financial, previous marriages or affairs, etc. 

Very hard to look at the results and walk backwards with no info.


----------



## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Yes root cause.
Stop drinking. Did you read some books? There are plenty on the market. You seem to react very passive to the situation.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

There's good news and bad news.

The good news: You are now in control. You no longer need to be afraid of your wife and this as a chance to fully correct your marriage.

The bad news: It will take a long time to fix and you will be without sex .

If you need help PM me. I will give you some guidance.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just an FYI... You may want to check out the previous posts before you buy into trying any particular plan...

In the meantime, you could read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" or "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Storm - welcome. You aren't alone in your pridicament. You will get some very useful (and some not quite so useful) advice here.

Ultimately it boils down to you and what you can do/accept. Some women just aren't in to sex. It is of no or very little importance to them and neither can they relate to someone for whom it IS important. You.

If you do manage to get your wife to understand how important sex is for you and she makes an effort you have to keep in mind that she is doing something she isn't wired to do and she might let you 'do it' but she won't get 'in' to it.

You also have to look at you. Is your marriage sexless because you don't do your fair share in the marriage 'team'? 

If, after having done alot of soul searching you conclude that your marriage isn't going anywhere, then plan an exit strategy.

If you have been married 25 years I'm guessing you are late 40's. get out there and make the most of the rest of your life!

"There's life in the old dog yet"!!


----------



## Stormbringer (Apr 1, 2014)

Sincere thanks to those that have replied.

I have never discussed these problems at all and I am hopoing that these dicussions will in some way help me.

If I am being honest the problem started 5 years ago as our sex life began to diminish. My wife I think has always seen it as a chore and now with age she has no interest at all. She will not let me kiss her and now even performing oral on her which she said she used to enjoy is now a no no. 

In answering some of the questions no she is not mean in other ways and I auppose in many other aspects we are OK though I think she seems now to get more irritable over relatively minor issues. She now tends to focus all her efforts on the children. 

We both share the chores on an equal basis. I have a pretty good job but have spent a lot of time at home and I feel she is bored with me probably.

She seems just top have just decided we are too old for sex and there is no further discussion. I am in my late 40's and she is 54.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There is that "too old for sex" explanation again... Almost like there's an expiration date on the lady parts...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

askari said:


> If you do manage to get your wife to understand how important sex is for you and she makes an effort you have to keep in mind that she is doing something she isn't wired to do and she might let you 'do it' but she won't get 'in' to it.


Have you read As'laDain's posts, askari? He has very successfully resolved this issue.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Storm,

You have to discuss this with her directly or in MC. If she is not willing to do either then you have a pretty clear decision to make. There are so many different things that be contributing to this physiological, psychological, emotional. You have to get to the root obviously.

I know how hard this is. After years of incredible sex I woke up and realized my wife just was not that into me or us any longer. It has been a real challenging road back but the last month has been incredible. There were times I was considering walking away and it is still a possibility if we revert back to where we were. 

Be open and honest here and ignore those that have a lack of sensitivity to your plight and you will get solid counsel here.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

steps to getting out of a sexless marriage...

talk about it
set your boundaries
talk about it
enforce your boundaries
talk about it
when she starts trying, help her
talk about it
find out her fantasies. 
become her fantasy man.

enjoy amazing and frequent sex. 

worked for me anyway...


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol is very bad for your health and you should stop that. 

You need to learn to talk about it but if the family is more important than sex and you are not interested in finding someone else than there is only so much you can do. 

Really for your own health maybe you should find someone else.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> steps to getting out of a sexless marriage...
> 
> talk about it
> set your boundaries
> ...


Great job, As'laDain! :smthumbup:


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Talking about it won't resolve underlaying issues or bridge cultural divides or cure religious hangups or resolve skeletons in the past.

In fact talking about it simply reinforces to the LD the thought that they're normal and that the non LD partner is the deviant one.

Talking works well in some cases but is not the panacea. There's a lot of messed up people out there and just as many married to them who don't understand what they're in for.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

john117 said:


> Talking about it won't resolve underlaying issues or bridge cultural divides or cure religious hangups or resolve skeletons in the past.
> 
> In fact talking about it simply reinforces to the LD the thought that they're normal and that the non LD partner is the deviant one.
> 
> Talking works well in some cases but is not the panacea. There's a lot of messed up people out there and just as many married to them who don't understand what they're in for.


 my wife now wants me and lets me know how much she wants me all day, every day.

just saying.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

People are different, they think differently, and respond differently.

Communication is key to any relationship but sometimes it's not the universal fix to all issues.

Sometimes there's no fix. There's value in sex and value in other aspects of a marriage. You can't communicate with someone willing to do away with the everything else part in order to avoid sex.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

john117 said:


> People are different, they think differently, and respond differently.
> 
> Communication is key to any relationship but sometimes it's not the universal fix to all issues.
> 
> Sometimes there's no fix. There's value in sex and value in other aspects of a marriage. You can't communicate with someone willing to do away with the everything else part in order to avoid sex.


i never claimed that communication and talking are a cure all. talking is certainly important, but years of talking did nothing for me. it was a combination of talking and action that made a change.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Could you elaborate on the action part?


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

john117 said:


> Could you elaborate on the action part?


i took her biggest need of the table. i told her that she gets physical touch, hugs kisses etc, on the same days that i get sex. that way its fair.

it was uncomfortable for her, but in order to get what she needed, she had to give me what i needed. in order to give me what i needed, she had to find a way to want it or miserably perform a chore every night. or at least feel that way. so, she finally started to let me in. she told me things that nobody else knows, not even her therapist or "girl friends".

and she told me her fantasies. i just stepped up to the plate and did my damndest to fulfill them. 

so she went from once a month if i am lucky, and hating sex, to daily, sometimes more than once, and absolutely loving it. she comes up with new games for us to play, things to try in bed, etc. 

all that because i simply decided that i wasnt going to live like that anymore. i stopped whining and came up with a plan, what i could DO about it.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I see.

In your case your wife *needed something from you that she could not provide by herself*. Affection. That provides leverage, and if wisely used, as in your case, it can lead to success.

My wife is willing to sacrifice *every* aspect of our marriage in order to maintain her favorite once a month sexscapade and pretend she's married.

Not any more. Think of trading glass beads for New York City or Louisiana or whatever it was. To them, there's no value to Manhattan. Pretty simple. I can see that she is stressed considerably with my behavior (180) but she's likely more concerned about giving in than actually striving for a healthy marriage.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

what needs do you meet? security?
if there really is no way to motivate her, i would say you need to move on and divorce.

if she wants to live alone, let her.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

> what needs do you meet? security?


None. Her six figure income is as good as mine, as is the collection of sheepskins hanging on our trophy wall (3 for each of us). 



> if there really is no way to motivate her, i would say you need to move on and divorce.


I've explained why this is not a desirable outcome due to serious college bills. I've also explained that financial reasons, rather than intimacy, are the key driver to staying together and/or divorcing.



> if she wants to live alone, let her.


People with BPD don't do very well alone. She doesn't know that and I won't spoil the surprise. :smthumbup: I feel I've earned me an emoji.

What astounds me is that she misses the forest for the trees here. This isn't about sex. This is about two mid 50's people who, if they stay together and follow common sense, will retire in 10 years, with two exceptionally well educated daughters, an equally exceptional collection of 401(k)'s, and spend the rest of their life living six months in a large US metropolis, probably Atlanta or Boston, and six months in one of the most interesting capitals of Europe where I have a nice apartment. 

Apparently none of this matters to Dr. J2. Let's hope she can find a good retirement home in Tampa that takes BPD's.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

John's written pretty extensively about his marriage and circumstances and why he's not going to divorce just yet. You should probably put a link in your sig John, unless you enjoy posting the same stuff over and over. 

I would also say that the process you've described there As'laDain is unlikely to work in most cases. It would work on me because I can't bear to live without my husband's love and approval. It kills me when we are not in harmony, when he's not happy with me. 

And also, I remember from your other thread that your wife had some specific hidden desires that not many women have. I'd say most women who don't want to have sex with their husbands either don't care about sex or are fundamentally unattracted to their husbands or both. 

In this OPs case I'd go with the prostitutes to be honest.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Sorry John, cross-posted.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

wow, sorry to hear that john117. you would probably have to be a lot more on top of things than i was. 

my wife has her own issues, but nothing as irritating as BPD. i have only known one person with BPD, and the guy that ended up marrying her only managed to help her because he called all the shots, made all the money got her family on board, etc...
literally let her crash and burn, then slowly built her back up.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Lyris said:


> I would also say that the process you've described there As'laDain is unlikely to work in most cases. It would work on me because I can't bear to live without my husband's love and approval. It kills me when we are not in harmony, when he's not happy with me.


i think it would work on most cases... just not on cases like john117s. there aint much he can motivate his wife with that she really wants. the BPD means he cant just reason with her, so he is pretty much stuck without a method. 

i just think too many men are too afraid of rocking the boat. 

i would have escalated all the way up to divorce. she wasnt happy, i wasnt happy, and i wasnt willing to live like that forever.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Sure it's possible someone might be able to force his wife to have sex a couple of times a week by escalating up to divorce. But it's not going to do anything to address the fact that she doesn't want to, for whatever reason.

Oh and the same would be true for women who have LD/ND husbands.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Sure it's possible someone might be able to force his wife to have sex a couple of times a week by escalating up to divorce. *But it's not going to do anything to address the fact that she doesn't want to, for whatever reason.*
> 
> Oh and the same would be true for women who have LD/ND husbands.


not true in my case


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"Sure it's possible someone might be able to force his wife to have sex a couple of times a week by escalating up to divorce. But it's not going to do anything to address the fact that she doesn't want to, for whatever reason. Oh and the same would be true for women who have LD/ND husbands."

Respectfully, I don't think you get it about marriage, it's about compromise, considering the other person's need, enjoying something just because the other person enjoys it. You go on vacation to the places your wife likes because you get a glint knowing she's happy, you go to your wife's work party and talk to the other spouses because it's a fund thing. The notion that you check the worth of everything of checking whether you enjoy it and it meets your needs is the cause of many divorces. 

If satisfaction is the key, then why can't a man jettison his wife of 20years realizing that a new younger version is cuter and more likely to provide immediate satisfaction. I think for happily married women, sex is a good part seeing your husband happy.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> I think for happily married women, sex is a good part seeing your husband happy.


:iagree:


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Where I live (socially and financially) it is quite common for men to jettison their wives after 20 years... Or for wives to sense what is coming and initiate separation before being, ehem, jettisoned.

I was the lone guy in PTO meetings for the better part of 15 years in the same school system with a lot of the same parents (moms) attending. In retrospect it was not difficult to parse out the way things were going for women in various age groups.

In elementary school PTO moms were still in the Mommy mode, dressed well, stayed in shape, etc. 

In middle school PTO things change dramatically as more men and women hit the 40 mark and start, ehem, itching. Some handle it well, others don't. That's the Me mode.

By high school PTO the big wake up moments come, 45 years etc. That's where changes occur the most. That's the We mode...


----------



## AxeofWar (Mar 16, 2014)

Stormbringer:

I'm sorry bro man. I've studied and researched about marriage and sex difficulties. I've had my own share of problems, and if there is any help that I could offer you, it would be be in this article that I wrote (The Thriving Marriage Relationship | Answers for Adventists), the one linked at the end of it, or in the book by Gary Smalley called, "If Only He Knew." This is the best information I know of that actually helps. Let me know how it goes.

Here is Gary's book in PDF format. The two missing pages can be found in Google's preview of the book.

http://tpsj.com/PDF/if only he knew.pdf


----------



## Stormbringer (Apr 1, 2014)

AxeofWar said:


> Stormbringer:
> 
> I'm sorry bro man. I've studied and researched about marriage and sex difficulties. I've had my own share of problems, and if there is any help that I could offer you, it would be be in this article that I wrote (The Thriving Marriage Relationship | Answers for Adventists), the one linked at the end of it, or in the book by Gary Smalley called, "If Only He Knew." This is the best information I know of that actually helps. Let me know how it goes.
> 
> ...


Thanks -- appreciate the advice


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

John,

Have you read John Updike?


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> John,
> 
> Have you read John Updike?



No but he looks intriguing. I'll take a look...


----------



## Stormbringer (Apr 1, 2014)

Lyris said:


> In this OPs case I'd go with the prostitutes to be honest.


I am concluding this may be something I have to try.

I am financially well off and I have the opportunity in terms of time on my own.

I do have a huge moral issue with it and I am sure the reality will be a hell of a lot worse than the fantasy (not that the fantasy is that great). Two nights ago I attempted to touch my wife and she recoiled. I have responsibilities with children so I will not leave but I am getting more and more dejected. I now masturbate 3 times a day and I need to have some contact. I will not consider penetration but in truth I would pay £200 for a good blow job (not that I would know what a good one is like).


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Stormbringer said:


> I am concluding this may be something I have to try.
> 
> I am financially well off and I have the opportunity in terms of time on my own.
> 
> I do have a huge moral issue with it and I am sure the reality will be a hell of a lot worse than the fantasy (not that the fantasy is that great). Two nights ago I attempted to touch my wife and she recoiled. I have responsibilities with children so I will not leave but I am getting more and more dejected. I now masturbate 3 times a day and I need to have some contact. I will not consider penetration but in truth I would pay £200 for a good blow job (not that I would know what a good one is like).


for all that, why not go for an open marriage?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I don't think anyone has started an oprn marriage on TAM. but there will be a first
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

