# Marriage/Life crisis - What to do?!



## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

I am not really sure if this is the right forum to be posting this but I'm going to try anyway. It is going to be a long one so please bear with me, I need to get this off my chest. I am at a point where I don’t know what to do and am really scared of what will happen to me. 

I’ve been married almost 6 years and I only knew my husband for 6 months before we got married. We rushed into marriage for two reasons: first, I am an immigrant from Poland and my visa was about to expire, the easiest, fastest way for me to stay in the country legally was to get married to an American citizen, we were in love and in a genuine relationship so it seemed like the best - if rushed - solution at the time; two, his mother was dying of breast cancer, we wanted her to see that her only son was going to be alright and taken care of, that she could go in peace. I don't know if those reasons make sense but this is what happened. 

From the get-go you could see that we do not have that much in common. He is 12 years older than me, a recovering alcoholic with a panic attack disorder, brought up by a single mother, with virtually no father figure in his life, with serious abandonment issues. He was a programmer with a huge passion for music and science. I am a "simple Polish girl" as I like to say about myself, was brought up in a loving, if strict and very structured, home with both parents and an older sister. I am not spoiled in any way, very low-maintenance, was just looking to love and be loved and felt I was the luckiest girl to found my husband. We did get along very well though, we did have common interests, like movies, books, some music. We both are very low key, like to just hang out in our sweats, do nothing, watch tv and be silly. I love that he is very affectionate and romantic, would shower me with kisses and love, but also has a great sense of humor and can crack me up in a moment. But all these things only go that far in a relationship. I had never been in a long term committed relationship like that before, let alone married so did not know exactly what I was looking for. As time has gone by I have been finding that out. 

For starters, a big one, I need financial security, and I do not mean a lot of money but just knowing that we will have a certain income, that we will both have jobs. He has not held a steady job for longer than 9 months and that was just once in the 6 years I have known him. Right now he has been unemployed for a number of months and has decided that he wants career change. He does not want to be a software developer anymore when he has done that for the last 20 years and this is what he knows. He wants to go back to school and play music or some combination of that. I am fine with that and have told him I will help and support him in any way I can, as long as he actually DOES it! He has not made any steps towards that whatsoever. He stays home, plays around with his home recording equipment (worth thousands of dollars) and is not getting anywhere with it. He is collecting unemployment benefits and with my salary we are just eking by but the benefits will run out at the beginning of May and my salary alone will not support us. 

Second big thing for me is he is very flaky. He says he will do something, something simple like he will walk the dog or start dinner before I get home, and he doesn’t. I bring him to 12 step meetings because he doesn’t drive (grew up in a big city, never really liked driving), which I am totally fine with, but he sticks with plans to go about 1 out of 5 times that he says he will go. This makes it difficult to plan my evenings and weekends, I never know what he will decide to do. And I feel like he doesn’t respect me and my time, like all I have going for me driving him around. There are more important instances of his flakiness, like changing his mind about going out to dinner or doing something with me at the last minute. He says he is agoraphobic and gets anxious about being out in public but sometimes I just feel like he is just lazy and doesn’t really try to do something for me. In general, actually, I feel like he does things only if he wants to do them, when they benefit him in any way, never when it is I that want to do something. I am not saying he should be uncomfortable doing something just because I want it but I believe marriage is a partnership and we should be able to meet each other in the middle. I feel like I am always giving something up for him, never the other way round.

He has also cheated on me with somebody he met online. He never met her, but exchanged intimate messages, had phone sex and even web cam sex with her. When discovered he stopped immediately and was very sorry. That was last summer and for a few months we tried to work on us as a couple, we read a marriage book together, worked on talking to each other and it seemed like it was getting better. But it only lasted a few months. In September his most recent consulting job suddenly ended, his 44th Birthday was coming up and he fell into this deep depression where he has been ever since. We have been barely talking, we have not been intimate since Christmas and live more like roommates than a married couple. Every now and then when I express my frustration at the situation, him being unemployed and not doing anything, or just complaining about a tough day at work ( I have kept the same job for 5.5 years now) he lashes out at me and tells that nobody’s holding me here. If I am so unhappy and miserable, I have parents back in Poland who would welcome me with open arms and why don’t I just go back to Poland? 

The truth is I have been considering leaving him for a while now, if only taking a break for some to think things over, but I literally have NOWHERE to go. I have no friends or family here. Everyone I know is through him and my coworkers but those are not close enough to let them into my personal life like that. And with money being so tight I have no savings to take and move out on my own. Yes, I could go back to Poland but honestly I really do not want to. I have made a life for myself here, going back after being here for over 7 years would be like running back with the tail between my legs after a huge a failure, erasing this whole time and starting over. I love and miss my family back there and love to visit but I can’t quite imagine myself living there again.

You may ask, Where is a question here? The truth is I don’t know, I guess any input will appreciated as I just don’t know what to do anymore. I find myself being depressed because I feel like my life is at a standstill and is not going anywhere.


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## zonieredhead (Mar 6, 2011)

Have you told your husband that you have been thinking about leaving? I don't know if you can sit and talk about these things, but maybe if you told him how you were feeling he would realize he needs to do some serious changing if he wants you to stay.

Also, while you are discussing this with him, maybe the two of you can mutually agree on a date for him to be out and working to contribute to the household or in school and working part-time. If not, on that date you will begin your preparations to leave.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, consider marriage counseling and, at the same time, start building a better life for yourself--not having any friends after 5.5 years in the same place is your problem. This does not mean sudden and dramatic change--just pick an interest, join a group, and start going. If after a couple of months it isn't working for you, try something new. Volunteer work is great. Or, do you belong to a church? If not, find one with doctrines you can accept AND an active community.

Living in isolation, hanging out in sweats watching tv, is not a bad way to spend some of your time, but it is not a good way to spend all of your time. Letting his anxieties control YOUR life is a mistake, too. If he changes his mind, go do whatever anyway. And if he isn't getting help with the anxiety issues, get him to a doctor. Meds can make all the difference in the world. 

Going back to Poland would not be failure at all. Remember that. This has been a big adventure, one you did all on your own. But "all on your own" wears old after time. You can only prove to yourself so many times that you can stand on your own two feet. If, ultimately, you do not feel connected to friends, moving home would simply be . . . returning home. Nothing wrong with that.


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## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

Thank you both for your replies.
Zonieredhead, we actually have had a series of conversations since last night about what is going on in our marriage and what we can do. He knows that it is not good and feels guilty for what he has put me through. He is very afraid of trying something different and failing and disappointing me even more. We are both undecided, but have reached an agreement that taking a break and spending some time apart would be good to clear our heads and help us decide what to do. Because I have nowhere to go he might stay with one of his aunts for a while and I would stay in our apartment. I actually like the idea to set a date for him to be out and working or doing whatever.
Sisters359, we can't really afford counseling right now but you are absolutely right about getting my own life. I know it's my own fault I don't have friends. The truth (not an excuse) is that I'm very shy and meeting people doesn't come easy to me. I have also been burned by friends and so am a little weary of letting people in too close. Even posting on a forum like this one, online, makes me nervous and a little anxious and I'm not actually really meeting any people. I have had friends in the time I have been here, but some of them went home (they were other nannies), some moved away, got married, have families or whatever, and I'm just not that close with my coworkers. But ultimately I do realize that for my own sanity and for a healthy relationship - this one or any other in the future should this one does not work out - I have to suck it up, get out there and build a life for myself, regardless of who I am with. I just need baby steps....


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Has he been to a medical doctor for depression? Mental illness can be managed and he and you could have a much better life.

If he refuses to get help and you have to leave for you own piece of mind then so be it. 

You might have to get an extra job, or a roommate, or whatever other cost cutting measures people have done for decades to keep the debt collector's away, but you can do it. 

If you have worked at this place for over 5 years, maybe you should consider that someone there might be helpful. I don't mean 3 hour talks every night helpful... But perhaps someone that has grown up in that city that might be able to give you ideas about cheaper areas to live. Maybe someone at work has an apartement over a garage that needs renting out. It's just Americans won't care or look down on you if you're having a rough spot in your marriage so much. Some might even be helpful. Would it really be so bad if people knew and also knew you might need a little help? Swallow your pride a bit and take a chance.

You're obviously bright and articulate, good luck with getting on with your life.


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## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

Thank you, SaffronPower, for your advice and comments.
He has not been treated for depression, but he has been treated for his panic attack disorder and OCD. He is on medication for those two conditions. His long time therapist recently passed away, which added to his feeling of sadness and feeling abandoned. He had a strong connection to that shrink. Unfortunately we can't afford him going to a private therapy now, and even if we did he doesn't know anybody.
We just had another long conversation and I feel like my head is spinning. I think our biggest problem is our different approaches to money. I don't need him to make lots of money, I just would like to see him work and contribute to our household. If he wants to go back to school then I say, Go ahead, but how do you plan on paying for it and helping pay for rent and bills and so on? He sees that as me being always negative and not letting him follow his dreams. Really?? Am I crazy? I know English is my second language but I know how to express a simple idea.... 
Urgh, I'm just really frustrated at this point..... He did say he would like to look at bills more and see how much things cost. So far I have been taking care of everything, he does not even know how much our rent is, that could be an eye opener for him, when he looks at the prices of everything.........


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## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

So, after my last post things have changed dramatically. After my husband and I have been talking, on Monday morning we had a slight confrontation when I broke down in tears unexpectedly and was kind of embarrassed about it as there was no specific reason for it. I apologized and assured him I was not trying to play on his emotions via email when I got to work. He was not replying for hours so I was getting nervous. I tried to check his bank account (as I always have, because I take care of all our bills and transfer his unemployment benefits to pay them), but could not get through so I panicked. I can't quite explain it now but my wheels started turning and I was imagining the worst scenarios like he transferred all out savings money (which we had in a separate savings account waiting to be used for taxes) and was going to take it and leave me, or something like that. I then checked the savings account, transferred the money to my checking account and changed the password to it. I had actually been considering doing that for some time because would be soon going to the H&R Block anyway and we would need it, and Wachovia, our bank, will be switching to Wells Fargo this weekend so some banking services might be limited because of the switch. Some time after that I heard back from him, and he was cool. When I got back home we almost immediately started talking more about our marriage and what to do next. The whole transfer completely slipped my mind, and then I went to sleep. 
Next thing I know I'm on my way to work on Tuesday morning and he's calling me angry and is asking me 'Why did you wipe out our savings account?' I pulled over and explained why, well the H&R Block and bank switch part, I didn't say I was afraid he might take it and split, I was afraid it was too paranoid. Anyway, we talked for a little bit and he sounded calmer, I had to go to work so we said we would talk more later, and he even said 'I love you', which he hasn't in a while. My day at work was going fine, sometime in the afternoon he called me to ask, very politely, if I would take him to a 12 step meeting later and I said sure, no problem. 
Next thing I know, it's like 10 to 5pm, I'm checking my personal email and there is a draft message there. I open it and it's a message to my sister, in broken, fake looking Polish, saying 'I took money from - insert name - I'm coming home'. And right away I know it's my husband using Google Translator to type a message to my sister in Polish! I'm calling home and asking 'Are you in my email account?', he says, 'Yes'. I go 'What do you think you're doing?'. And he just says 'I think you should come home'. 
Ok, so now I'm really panicking, rushing home, and there....... He takes all my cards out of my wallet, threatens to cut them up if I don't give him passwords to the online bank accounts. When I do he still keeps my debit card, closes himself in his man cave, changes the password to what only he knows, and then he tells me to get out of the house. He says I stole from him, was going to keep the money and run to Poland with it. He now has read all my emails, translated by Google Translator and can see that I have been talking to my sister about going to Poland, so - by his reasoning - all I needed was the money and I was going to split. What he is NOT seeing is that in all those emails (once we get over the fact that yes he hacked into my personal email count, all my personal accounts, including this one) if there is any mention about Poland it is my sister trying to talk me into going there and I am trying to explain why it is not a good idea and why I don't want to run away from whatever problems we are having. Even on this site I was saying I didn't want to do that and someone here (it was sisters359) was saying that it wouldn't be such a bad thing!
He wouldn't listen to any reasoning, he wanted me out of there and that was that, kept calling me a thief, foreign national who only married him for papers (common argument when he wants to hit low) and he almost started throwing my clothes out the window. Somehow I managed to get him out of the bedroom, and called his aunt who lives about 2 hours away. I didn't want to get her involved in all this but I thought it was better than calling the cops, and I thought since she knows him well, she might try and reason with him. She did try, and so did her husband, but nothing got through to him. 
Anyway, I'm actually getting tired and upset just typing about it. The end of the story is that I packed a bag, got in the car and drove the 2 hours to his aunt's house. I called in sick today and am here at her house while they are being super sweet and understanding, listening to me and trying to comfort me. I have not heard from him yet and I am not expecting him to beg me to come back. But I do want my debit card and check book (yep, he took that too). Right now I don't know what to with myself, I just know I have to stay alive and sane and I have to get to work tomorrow. Never in my life did I think I would be in a position like this.........


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

OMG Karol you poor thing. How awful to go through this when you are pretty much alone here. All your family is back in Poland right? 
Can you get to the bank & withdraw money? That way you have it & he cant use it to threaten you with. 

Hugs to you. I know it lonely it is to have nobody to turn to. All my family live in Ireland. I'm in NY too upstate though so not sure how close we'd be, but if you need anything send me a PM.


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## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

Thank you Babyheart for your reply and support. Yes, all my family is in Poland. Thank God, his aunt and uncle are reasonable people and know him very well. They know me too and do not believe his paranoid interpretation of truth. I'm with them now, and I know they will take care of me. 
I can't withdraw the money, he has my ATM card AND my check book. He left me with 2 credit cards with very low available balances on them (he has been out of a job and money has been tight, and also I am still building up my credit) and some cash. I don't even want the money anymore I just want my card back! (Card for my personal account that I had before I even met him) And I worry because tomorrow my paycheck will be debited into my account and I don't want him taking that.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

One thing...grown ups don't go back to school to "find" themselves they go to hide. Especially if they don't have money saved. So cross off that stupid idea if he comes crawling back.

Okay so he's acting like a loon and I don't see how you have the resources really to help him. Time to take care of karol. If you had your wallet stolen how would you get the info back? Call the companies and see what you can do for finances. 

It's a lot of change to go back to Poland and get a divorce. Don't rush, except to go get a lawyer as soon as possible. You need someone to tell you the best things to do for a divorce if that's what you want.

Keep working, keep some normalcy. You can do it.

Take one thing at a time.

Good luck


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It may well be illegal for him to withdraw support like that. Talk to a lawyer, and remember--you cannot afford NOT to. Let the lawyer take it from here if h continues to be so unreasonable. He's over the top with his reaction, very paranoid, actually. I'm sorry I suggested going back to Poland if it is going to backfire like that! Thank goodness his aunt is able to separate his relationship with her and your relationship with her. If you need support and his aunt feels she must back out, call a women's hotline or shelter for domestic abuse, b/c he is using money to control you and to leave you basically destitute. Good luck. Hopefully he'll realize he has over-reacted and will calm down so you can work on things together.


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## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

Thank you so much everyone for your support and kind words. 
I went to work today and then drove to see my husband to get my debit card back from from. Like I kind of suspected he did not want to do anything with it other than transfer the money back. He has also calmed down a lot. He cried, apologized for his behavior, said he loved me. I didn't say yes or no, I just listened and said I couldn't stay long because I had a long drive back to his aunt's house. He asked if I would consider going with him to see a marriage counselor if he found an affordable place and made an appointment. I said I would do that. He also gave me a check for this month's rent and for another bill, and he said he would transfer some money so I can pay a credit card bill (which I just checked and he did). I don't know, I think I'm even more confused, or I'm just exhausted right now. I can't even think now what I will do, other than I am going to work tomorrow and I will spend the weekend at his aunt's house. I am definitely taking it a day at a time.


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## karolNY (Jun 13, 2010)

So it has been over a week since my last post. Last night I came back home after work. My husband's aunt and uncle have been wonderful and would have have had me there much longer but I decided I could not hide out any longer. My husband has been making attempts to get us an appointment for marriage counseling (no luck yet but he has put calls in), he has been actively looking for a job and of course he apologized for his behavior and asked me to please come home so we can start working on us and start healing. Now, I know what you will all say and think - How many time have we heard that story? I know. But I figured the sooner we start working on us and healing, the sooner we know if can even heal and if we can't we can move forward. That's kind of my theory here. That and the fact that the commute to work got very tired very fast. I was tired all the time, I felt like I spent all my time at work or on my way to or from work. Honestly I have a new appreciation and respect for people who do it all the time.
Anyway, I'm home now, and the first evening back was nice. It was kind of awkward at first, we were both nervous and didn't know what to say (we had decided we would not talk about what happened that Tuesday, it's too heavy for us right now, we will discuss it with a professional) but then we quickly got back into our usual friendly banter and being silly. I don't know what to think, I guess we will see. Now my homework is to start taking taking care of me while I'm home and it's going to be a challenge because it's just not who I am, but I'll have to make and effort.
Here's for a new day.


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