# 20 year marriage over i guess



## ThatsThat (Apr 2, 2012)

We have been married 20 years... will be 21 in May. We have been together 27 years. We have two great boys, 17 and 15. We have had our share of rough spots over the years. I have suffered from episodic depression for about the last 7 years. I have had three episodes. I will be the first one to admit that this has been hard on my wife. I know that she has been through some very hard times with me. A lot of that time I was not emotionally equipped to be the partner that I should have been. Last summer she asked for a separation. We were not financially able to do that yet and she said that she was going to give us a year and see what happened. In the fall I had my last episode. After this last episode my doc added another medication and things for me have been fantastic. I feel like a new person. I like me better and I am ready to be one half of the partnership that a marriage should be. She has stuck by me all these years and been mostly supportive. She said that there was part of her that wanted to try to work things out. Now that I have turned the corner and am seeing things more clearly, have been attending MC with her, have started on the road to getting healthier, and continue to do IC, she hits me with there has just been too much and she doesn't want to do it anymore. She is done. Not out of the blue mind you, but it still blindsided me because of all the effort I have been putting forward and changing so much. There is an EA in the recent past between her and a fellow from England. Contact with him has come to a halt as far as I know. I have access to her cell records and her email. The only thing I don't have is access to her IMs, so there's that. She just wrote me a long letter and started talking about setting a date for a separation and started discussing how to split up stuff so that I would have stuff for an apartment. Just kind of hurting and a little unnerved. Don't really have anyone to unload all this on so I thought I would look for somewhere to vent a little. thanks for listening...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to see a 20+ year marriage come to an end. Glad you are doing better otherwise. Don't let this interfere with your progress. Perhaps she will take notice at some point.

Hang in there!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get to a lawyer and make sure you protect your rights. She does not necessarily get to dictate what you get and what you don't. 

Continue on with individual counseling to help you cope.

Best of luck.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

It seems like you are losing your best friend...I have been with my wife 20 years. I think worrying about assets may be the last thing on your mind right now. 

I think it may be a good idea to find a hobby that puts you around lots of people. Running/walking groups/rowing/maybe take a dance class. You need friends right now. This forum is wonderful...But try to get out some as hard as it may be. I am doing that already, I kinda know my future.

keep in touch on TAM it has helped lots of people.

Good Luck

From what I see here... It will get better my friend


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## ThatsThat (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks for the response. I would definitely agree with you that I am losing my best friend. I honestly can barely remember time before I knew her. She moved to my hometown in kindergarten. Being a town of 1100 you knew everybody in school, so we basically grew up together. We started dating in 10th grade. Prom king and queen and all that sappy stuff.

I have recently started to really concentrate on myself. I have been walking and have just started doing the Insanity workout. That gives me something to focus on other than the obvious. I also play softball and joined a tournament team this summer. I am more worried about the boy and how they will take this whole situation. We had just told them a couple weeks ago that we were in MC and working on us...




Already Gone said:


> It seems like you are losing your best friend...I have been with my wife 20 years. I think worrying about assets may be the last thing on your mind right now.
> 
> I think it may be a good idea to find a hobby that puts you around lots of people. Running/walking groups/rowing/maybe take a dance class. You need friends right now. This forum is wonderful...But try to get out some as hard as it may be. I am doing that already, I kinda know my future.
> 
> ...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do the 180. It will help you emotionally detach from your wife and help strengthen you for the months of turmoil ahead. Some will tell you it is a way to get your wife to change her mind, but its not. It is there to help you build up the emotional armor to take the arrows of the divorce and move forward with your life.

Many here, including myself will attest to its effectiveness. 

The Healing Heart: The 180


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