# Marriage Over?



## mamatomax (Sep 28, 2010)

This is my first post. Here's the story:

My husband began having an emotional affair a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant with our first child. The Other Woman is an ex-girlfriend that never got over him. Admittedly so by herself. She loved him and wanted him to leave me. She asked him to two weeks before we got married. He said no. 

The affair was purely emotional only because she lived halfway across the country. Then she came for a visit. It became physical. Then when she left, they talked on the phone, texted, emailed, etc all the time. He kept up the emotional end. In March, she moved back to our state. Things became physical for two weeks until a friend of hers found out I was pregnant and emailed me. I confronted him and he admitted everything. He agreed to cut off communication with her. I was 9 months pregnant at this time. Within a month I had our baby and immediately went into severe PPD. We had planned on counseling and working through things, but with a newborn, my mental state, and such an upheaval in our life, it never happened. I started spending almost every day at my parents house so my mom could help me once my husband went back to work. So much time, that I didn't notice my husband becoming distant again. Until one night, almost 2 months ago, when I found her email logged in on my brand new home computer. I looked at her email and discovered a months worth of emails of her saying she loved him and wanted to be with him and then the kicker, how she hoped he wasn't too tired after last night and that she was tired because "His needy animals" woke her up. I have two dogs. She spent the night at my house. For another month he had resumed the physical affair. I immediately left him that night with my boy. He got upset before I left, crying and saying he needed help. That he didn't want to live and that he was worth more dead than alive, because he can't provide for us anyways and at least we'd get insurance money (we do struggle financially, but I didn't know how bad it was. He did all the finances. I lost my job that I was supposed to be able to do from home after the baby was born). I called his best friend to come sit with him and he started counseling the next day. 

What do I do? He has bent over backwards to prove he has changed, but how do I know it's for real? What if he does all this great changing and then I go back and get hurt again? What if I walk away only to find down the road that he really did change and I missed out? 

I truely love my husband, but I'm scared.


----------



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Mama, You need professional guidance from somebody qualified to help you with your decision. We can give you advice, but each person's take on it will be different. Look to friends and family for support, and there are several agencies that will help, with little or no cost to you. I would not trust him again, because he has shown that he is a total piece of crap. he had sex with another woman while his wife was pregnant? That is really the lowest of the low. Is that the kind of man you want? Forget about the money, and your baby would be better off with a father who is a good man instead of scum.


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

It is terribly hurtful, I am a spouse who like you had his wife running around on him. Some wandering spouses do make full recoveries and become trustworthy, honest, loving partners. Some don't. Some aggrieved spouses can forgive and work on rebuilding and some can not. 

I can say that it can be repaired. It has worked in my life. My marriage has been beautifully restored. But there are also stories here of those who tried and it did not work out. There are no guarantees. You have to decide what is best for you, what your values and beliefs and feelings tell you to do. 

I am so sorry that you are going through this, if there is any specific questions we can answer or advice we can give there are many here who have valuable experience and insights on how to proceed and handle situations. But what we can't do is decide for you whether you should stay and fight or end it. For that you have to look to your own heart and values.


----------



## mamatomax (Sep 28, 2010)

Has anyone else gone through this? Was a reconciliation successful?

I should add: They worked together and he finally confessed to management about what happened and they are transferring her to another location. Last time, he wouldn't tell them for fear of getting fired and she never left. She didn't even make an effort to transfer. 

I started counseling immediately after I caught him the 2nd time. He starts counseling this week. 

Help


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He needs to:
1) Write her a No Contact letter that YOU read and send yourself. Not a love letter - a letter saying 'I value my wife and child and can NEVER ever contact you again.' If he's not willing to do that, divorce him.
2) Immediately give you ALL his passwords to his phone, computer, and anything else he uses to communicate, and grant you access to these devices any time you ask. If he won't, divorce him.
3) STAY in counseling - both individual and marriage - until YOU are satisfied he has moved on.
4) Do a lot of reading - starting with His Needs Her Needs - to learn how to keep a marriage healthy so that no one has a reason to look elsewhere (that's on both your shoulders and his). Share what he learns with you, so you'll know he's actually absorbing it.

If he's doing these things, you have a chance.


----------



## mamatomax (Sep 28, 2010)

Thank you- that is all REALLY good advice


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Life is full of scary stuff, but we tackle the issue and live on.
If you stay and he screws up well then you can walk away knowing you tried and he crossed the boundtries you both set this time around. you now the old "fool me once , ,fool me twice" kind a thing. But it will hurt. I'm in rconcileation(wish I could spell) and I am at the point were it is time to heal I'm not the weak person Its time to heal and behave like a caring/affectionate person and If I get hurt well I can move on to someone you who can love back and take my life lessons & apprecate ther value and not resent me for my past.

If you you leave, you will have doubts about this and doubts about that, and plus its always a pain to find someone who forgives you when you screw up and lets you leave the bathroom door open


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

mamatomax said:


> Has anyone else gone through this? Was a reconciliation successful?


I have and it was successful. Others on here have and were successful as well. There are also some on here who tried an were not successful. In other words it is possible, I believe it is worthwhile and right to try, but there are no guarantees.


----------



## mamatomax (Sep 28, 2010)

I'm hoping to hear success stories. He recently wrote a no contact letter and BCC'd me on it, along with blocking her from his phone. I still don't know what to do...


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

mamatomax - The best thing you can do is focus on yourself, try to be okay whatever happens, and not make any big decisions. Most of us tend to want to resolve something asap, especially when there are intense emotions attached it. Infidelity is very emotionally draining, often the hardest experience you go through in life. And so while you are probably craving resolutions - ie. stay or go - life doesn't work like that. 

If you can find the fortitude to work on yourself - figure out what you want from life, pursue things that make you happy, find a way to be financially stable with or without him - it will go a long way to helping you feel more centered. Expect to go months with feeling a whole array of emotions, often one right after another. You can go from hope to despair to despondent to angry in a 60 second period. 

It's a normal physiological response to incredible stress. It's okay. It's normal. What you are feeling is appropriate to the level of emotional trauma.

Give yourself time to see what happens. See if he steps up, if he takes the steps to earn back your trust, or even if you can let him earn it back. For some people betrayal is a deal killer. And, as TalornPete often writes on posts here, infidelity gives you the moral right to end the marriage if you choose.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

PS: And expect that every word out of his mouth for the next while will be bullsh#t. Cheaters go through a period where they try to hold back the truth, give you just enough so you "won't be upset" and to "protect you." In reality, it is to protect THEM from the awful truth. 

Trust what you see, not what you hear.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go back to my previous post. It has 4 steps. You both need to follow it. If he won't follow it, tell him to leave. If he won't follow it, he is not sincere, and is probably hoping to just hide the affair better.


----------



## mamatomax (Sep 28, 2010)

Turnera- He did all of the steps so far. With the exception of that specific book anyways. We have a few books that my counselor lent us that we are reading. I've shown up to the apartment unannounced a few times and haven't found anything out of the ordinary. He blocked her number from his phone and I saw the no contact letter (He BBC'd me on it) and saw her reply. She emailed him one other time and he fwd'd it to me even though I have access to his email. He had his first session with his own counselor and they're going to see him once every week. I have hope, but trying not to get my hopes up!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That sounds really promising!


----------



## luvmykids (Oct 8, 2010)

Oh god honey, I know exactly how you feel...I'm so sorry that your husband was so selfish and only concerned for his "needs". I just hate that he never saw what you were going through...so he said he was depressed and had to deal with a lot with the money issues...that is no excuess, on her end sounds like he was having the time of his life. Because I bet even with a new baby, your husband doing what he did, and PPD, you didn't head out and do the things he did. What a worthless excusse your husband has come up with. Believe me my husband came up with the same pitty me story. I'm pregnant right now and during my pregancy found out some horrible things when I was giving birth to our second child. I know what you are going through. I gave him a second chance but god knows that if I find out that during this time around he is commiting adultry he's gonna pay for it big time. Men can be sorry for thier actions, but for some reason they can't seem to want to stop them, no matter what the consequences are. Your a strong woman and never forget that! If you want to talk more feel free to hit me up. Just reading your post, makes me want to cry because I know what its like to read an email from another woman to your HUSBAND. Sitting there thinking this is a joke, its not real as your heart pounds out of your chest. I feel for you and will stick by your side no matter what the outcome, no matter what decision you decide to make.


----------

