# I'm so lost! Has anyone had to deal with a trying like this?



## Hidden identity (Feb 18, 2021)

I have been with my husband over 20 yrs now we have 4 great kids together. We have had lots of ups and downs in life and I have cheated on him many yrs ago. Well last year we were doing bad we were just kind of a room mate situation it seemed like. He kept telling me he wanted us to fix it but come to find out he actually cheated on me in that time. We are working on fixing it as best as I can. Well the girl homewrecker ***** came up pregnant now he's not sure 100% the baby is his but I am sure. We have alot of mutual friends. He said he wants to find out for sure and if so wants the baby in his life. But I'm just not sure if I can handle it. How do I become a step mom to a kid he cheated to get. I want our relationship to work out he is the father of my kids and the only person I have ever loved. But I'm so stressed out over this. Has anyone been cheated on and there was a baby involved


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I’m sorry you are here. It sounds like a tragic situation. Seems perhaps your husband never got over your infidelity. can you tell us more about that and how you guys tried to deal with it?


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## Hidden identity (Feb 18, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m sorry you are here. It sounds like a tragic situation. Seems perhaps your husband never got over your infidelity. can you tell us more about that and how you guys tried to deal with it?


He for sure never got over it. Anytime we argue he always asks well are you going go cheat again. I use to be very private with things and now he can use my phone anytime he wants to he knows all my passwords to everything so he can check at anytime. I have no desire to do it again. I ask myself if I just cheat on him I might feel better about it. But it's not even the cheating that bothers me it's the baby thing. I have wanted a baby for 6 yrs now and due to medical reasons I couldn't and he cheats and gets one


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s a tough situation but you don’t really have a choice right? If you choose to stay married to him, and he is doing the right thing by being in his kids life... there isn’t anything you can do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do know a lady this happened to but he left her and their 2 young children for the OW. They later broke up but there was never a reconciliation with my friend.
The first thing he needs to do is get her to take a DNA test so that he knows if the baby is his. Once you know that for sure you will need to sit down and work it all out maybe with a good counsellor. If the chid is his and he does want contact , it needs to be done through a third party so that they arent seeing each other alone because they clearly can't be trusted. If you decide that you can't remain in the marriage if this happens then you will need to tell him that. Then he will neeed to decide what he wants to do.
Not sure how you can be 100% sure the baby is his, someone like her may well have had sex with other men. 

The fact that you havent been able to have a child together must make this so much worse.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Hidden identity said:


> He for sure never got over it. Anytime we argue he always asks well are you going go cheat again. I use to be very private with things and now he can use my phone anytime he wants to he knows all my passwords to everything so he can check at anytime. I have no desire to do it again. I ask myself if I just cheat on him I might feel better about it. But it's not even the cheating that bothers me it's the baby thing. I have wanted a baby for 6 yrs now and due to medical reasons I couldn't and he cheats and gets one


So you think if you cheat again you will feel better or did I read that wrong? The baby situation for sure is a mess.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Hidden identity You already have four children and you were trying for a fifth child, but he got another woman pregnant? Do I have that right?

There needs to be a DNA test on the baby. If she really is pregnant, as that must also be confirmed.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

A DNA test needs to be done, the sooner the better. They can be done during pregnancy as early as 7 weeks (it's just a blood test) but it is expensive, around $1,300 to $2,000 depending on where you get it done.

Ideally you would know the paternity soon, then discuss, but that might not be an option. So you do need to talk about how he plans to parent IF the child is his.

Contact with the mother has to be limited and there are ways to do that. You can use a third party to drop off/pick up the child. You can use apps like coParenter or TalkingParents to communicate. But he will have to be around her sometimes and those times WILL be hard (during the delivery, newborn days, school plays, graduations, weddings, etc). Seeing your money being sent to this other woman (child support) and spent on legal crap will be hard. Dealing with infertility and this will be excruciating.

It is possible to reconcile while dealing with the AP forever being in your lives, but it's _extremely_ hard. Is it worth it? Even I have a hard time saying yes because it will be so damn hard for you.

My wife had a child from an affair 10 years ago. I've raised her but her biological dad has been in the picture as well. My wife sold me a story about being raped so I stuck around, and by the time I knew the truth that child was already mine. I really don't think I would have stayed if I knew the truth from the start. Though, in a way, I am glad she lied because I love my daughter and I can't imagine not having her.

You will have to love and treat that innocent child like your own, and it's not easy at first. It took me around 2 years to bond with my daughter. During the first years, anytime my daughter so much as cried or needed something, I hated my wife and her choice to keep the baby.

The reminders will never go away and it will be hard on you and your marriage. You CAN learn to handle them better and have them affect you less, and you will need to if this is going to be successful. To be honest, even if you leave this child will forever be a reminder and it will be in your life somewhat because your children are his/her half-siblings.

You definitely need to start talking with a therapist.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Hidden identity said:


> I have been with my husband over 20 yrs now we have 4 great kids together. We have had lots of ups and downs in life and I have cheated on him many yrs ago. Well last year we were doing bad we were just kind of a room mate situation it seemed like. He kept telling me he wanted us to fix it but come to find out he actually cheated on me in that time. We are working on fixing it as best as I can. Well the girl homewrecker *** came up pregnant now he's not sure 100% the baby is his but I am sure. We have alot of mutual friends. He said he wants to find out for sure and if so wants the baby in his life. But I'm just not sure if I can handle it. How do I become a step mom to a kid he cheated to get. I want our relationship to work out he is the father of my kids and the only person I have ever loved. But I'm so stressed out over this. Has anyone been cheated on and there was a baby involved


I’m just going to say, blended families and step relationships are incredibly challenging on their own. Add to this the child being a product of an affair... that I can’t even fathom the level of complexity.

Only you can know if you can handle that... is she married or otherwise in a relationship? Why are you sure if he isn’t sure?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hidden identity said:


> I have been with my husband over 20 yrs now we have 4 great kids together. We have had lots of ups and downs in life and I have cheated on him many yrs ago. Well last year we were doing bad we were just kind of a room mate situation it seemed like. He kept telling me he wanted us to fix it but come to find out he actually cheated on me in that time. We are working on fixing it as best as I can. Well the girl homewrecker *** came up pregnant now he's not sure 100% the baby is his but I am sure. We have alot of mutual friends. He said he wants to find out for sure and if so wants the baby in his life. But I'm just not sure if I can handle it. How do I become a step mom to a kid he cheated to get. I want our relationship to work out he is the father of my kids and the only person I have ever loved. But I'm so stressed out over this. Has anyone been cheated on and there was a baby involved


That's a deal breaker for most people. It really does put you in a very very uncomfortable situation. You're not going to want to have anything to do with the mother and you're not going to be wanting to do the mother any favors by helping with the child or your husband for that matter. 

Think you better see proof of the paternity test and then decide. You're also going to resent every penny that goes out. I'm pretty sure that would be a deal breaker for me but I'm not married.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Assuming the DNA test verifies the child is his -

First thing you should do is to really dig down and decide if you really want this and all that in entails, and if both of you are up for it. Both of you have done terrible damage to each other and your marriage. This is not a situation that is ever going to be easy, it's going to be reliving pain for the rest of your life.

Before any of this happened, with just the normal struggles of marriage first you and then he cheated, now you are going to be adding the resentment of this situation which is going to make it even harder if temptation shows up and it will eventually. You need to evaluate if you are really the type of person who can handle this. There is no shame if you aren't, most wouldn't be. You already mention that you thought about cheating again. For your kids sake you need to be very sure you both are mature enough handle this.

Even more importantly this child will be innocent an it would be wrong for you to take out what is reasonable pain and resentment, just their existence will cause, on them. It will be a lot easier to avoid this if you are no longer attached to your now husband and have moved on. For one thing they won't have to be in your life much. Again this is very hard situation for the most mature.

Understand this is no longer about you and your husband and your bad marriage. It's about you, your husband, the child's Mother, your kids, this child, and even extended family member's as their presence will be around at major events, and you can't avoid it. The kids will be siblings. 

Don't stay married because you are married. That is just not a good enough reason.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hidden identity said:


> He for sure never got over it. Anytime we argue he always asks well are you going go cheat again. I use to be very private with things and now he can use my phone anytime he wants to he knows all my passwords to everything so he can check at anytime. I have no desire to do it again. I ask myself if I just cheat on him I might feel better about it. But it's not even the cheating that bothers me it's the baby thing. I have wanted a baby for 6 yrs now and due to medical reasons I couldn't and he cheats and gets one


I can’t imagine how this hurts. I do know how a miscarriage hurts and how it crushed my wife. I don’t know what advice to give.

I do know one thing, I love kids. I would give my life for any child if need be.

I hope you find the answers you need.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Very very tough situation, how long did your own affair last? And is he in live with this women? 

It’s going to be most complicated for all of the kids involved, the affair child as well as your kids are a unit in themselves - siblings. 

We’ve had some high-profile politicians & celebrities in our country do this, and our neighbours also have 3 kids, we found out their first child was the product of their affair and that the husband already had 2 kids. In 10 years he hasn’t seen the kids from the first marriage and it’s clear the two sets of kids haven’t met yet. 

So maybe before you both make a decision, understand that the kids eventually may want contact, or may be so jaded they never want to see this child. Or what happens if only ONE of your children wants a relationship with the baby? The results of this will outlast your decision and affect generations. So work backwards here, because this will be the end result long after you’ve both moved on. Really decide what you all want for your kids, because there are 5 now and might be more down the line. 

This is why the affairs are just the absolute worst, these adult moments of stupidity affect so many more people decades down the line and I just don’t see how it ever works out for anyone.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

I’m sorry there is no way I could be him if that kid is his. A constant reminder of an affair and the resentment I would have for that kid. In my opinion it’s time to move in.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was someone whose wife was in an affair and became pregnant with twins.

He was able to forgive her and raised the twins as his own.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

There have been famous cases in history and literature too where this has happened - look at Bob Geldof and how he took complete control of the daughter’s life. In Anna Karenina, the husband loves the baby girl born to another man.

These situations aren’t healthy for the child either in cases where the partner forgives and decides to love the child either.

Again, very difficult situation for your kids and the unborn baby.

Anyone reading this currently having an affair where kids are involved, really think about the decades ahead. Really pull your head out and understand that your current affair is going to have repercussions beyond whether your reconcile or leave because your illicit love is the greatest love you think you’ve ever had.


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