# Advice needed on failing marriage - long story



## ethanhun123 (Mar 3, 2014)

I am new to the site and i am looking for someone to hear me out and possible offer some advice. Apolgies in advance for 
the long rant.

I have been married for 4 years now and now my wife for a total of 5 years. We dont have any kids. I am 32 now and my wife is 28. Now, the marriage is on the verge of failing and i dont know what to do. In terms of physical appeance, i am overweight while she is athletic.

We are in India, so the situation is slightly different from most of you here. When we just met each other, the passion was great. She used to live with her parents - so we used to meet every weekend. Also, i used to pick her up on some weeknights and have dinner. Her parents were behind her to get married - the process for "arranged marriage" had even started. Basically she was meeting guys was supposed to choose one of them for marriage. I had never had a girlfriend in the past though she had a few boyfriends in the past - with one of them things had gone pretty far. She wanted to get married to him but things didnt work out as her parents didnt agree. She did fight with her parents a lot on this issue - but ultimately broke up with her boyfriend as he was abusive. We did start having sex as well - she has had sex before with the steady boyfriend but i was more or less a virgin except one oral sex incident when travelling in Europe.

After about 4-5 months of seeing each other, she began pressurizing me to talk to my parents and her parents about marriage. I wasnt totally sure about marriage and wanted to give it more time - but she was behind me for this as she was going through a lot of pressure in her house to get married. Finally i gave up and said yes. Our parents met and we got married - a whole 1 year after we had met. 

Then the first problem started - i had a medical condition in which my foreskin would not come back during sex. I was able to self pleasure myself over the years - so i didnt think too much of it. Only once we started having sex, i started to feel a lot of pain and discomfort. Due to this reason, i subconsciously turned off sex. Whenever she wanted to have it, i used to create some excuse and not have it. In the first 2 years of our marriage, we would have had sex less than 20 times in total. She tried a lot of times to fight with me over the issue - i would promise to fix this but wouldnt do anything. 

Mind you, i didnt know the reason for the pain/discomfort then - i just knew it hurt. I was too ashamed to go to the doctor so i started spending more and more time on my other interests like gaming etc. I have to put this in clear though - apart from lack of sex / lack of intimacy - our marriage didnt have any other big issues. We enjoyed each other's company, used to take care of each other etc.

After 2 years, she couldnt take it anymore and one day told me she wanted to end it. I was shocked and came out of my slumber finally. I decided to go to a doctor to figure out my problem. Meanwhile, my wife started living in separate bedroom and told me for all intents and purposes we were separated. She was hesitating to walk out of the marriage formally and tell her parents due to the social stigma attached and also the fear of how her father is going to take it. 

She also put a lock code on her phone. She also started talking long on her phone and texting a lot. I asked her multiple times whether there was someone else and she refused. I used to beg her and ask her how i can improve the marriage - she used to tell me it was upto me to try. To effect a change of scenery, we moved to a new house. Her parents came over to help us move - it was during this move that once i came across her phone and found that she was having an affair with her boss. I was in a state of shock for the next few days. All this while, we were acting normally in front of her parents as though nothing had happened - she had confided in her mom though that things were not totally fine between us. Her parents stayed with us for about a week helping us settle in. Once they moved out - i confronted her about the affair. She finally accepted the affair and went into depression. I told her clearly that i accepted my fault for the first 2 years - but this was no reason to start the affair. And she had 2 choices - whether to walk out of the marriage right away or end this affair. Ending the affair meant quitting the job and stopping all contact with her boss. After about 2-3 days of thinking, she decided to quit her job. She still wasnt totally sure about trying to work out this marriage though. She came around after a month or so - but still she was in a little bit of depression. 

For the next one year, we started to work on things and they improved. We went on a nice trip for our anniversary - during the trip she apologized profusely for her affair. Our sex life was also back to normal - i really thought our worst days were past us. How wrong was I.

Sometime in the middle of last year - she again started drifting apart. We had tried for a baby unsuccessfully - she cannot conceive naturally so she had to go through a lot of medication and injections. That experience left a lot of mental trauma for her. I initally thought her drifting apart was due to this. But then she started messaing one of her childhood sweethearts a lot and i started feeling uneasy. One day i tried to check her phone behind her back and she caught me. We had a huge showdown and she again put a lock on her phone. She said she wanted some time off and things between us cannot continue as it is. Things went like this for about a month - she also complained that i wasnt good enough in bed and the spark between us was no longer there. She didnt feel attracted to me anymore. 

I decided to try and reduce weight and give her more time. I also decided to try and find actitivities that we can do together to get the spark back. We didnt have sex though for some time. In September, after a lot of thinking, she told me that lets try for a baby again - we did. But it was tough - i could sense that she wasnt comfortable having sex with me and the medications were taking a toll on her. We were unsuccessful again. 

During this whole thing, her conversations with the childhood flame's continued. I was suspicious, but didnt want to do anything without any proof. In november, she told me that she wanted to move out of the house. My parents were coming over
to be with us for a couple of weeks - and she decided to stay with me till they were here and only then finalize her decision of moving out. My parents came over and we had a good time. We had a big family get-togther for new year's eve with her parents and mine. In between, we travelled out of station for a friend's wedding - on the way back she asked me of the steps i was taking. She said that lets try and work this out. Her birthday and our anniversary fall in end of Jan - we again took a family road trip for her birthday and it was good. During this time, i tried to make love to her but she wasnt ready for it. So we did not. 

One day after we were back - she was on leave from her work while i was in office. She had told me she had made plans to go the spa in the afternoon and then to a girlfriend's party. I had some meeting near our house and after it i decided to come home early. The door was locked from the inside and when she opened the door - the ex-flame was in the house. I was stunned - i could say anything as i didnt see them doing anything funny and she gave an excuse that he dropped by since he was passing the house. But my reaction told her clearly that i wasnt all good. Anyway she left for her plans. She came back later but it was clear to see that i was not normal. Next day i left for office early and when i came back - she told me that she was going to her mom's house for the weekend. On questioning, she asked me what was happening with me. I asked her whats happening with us and whether something was happening between her and the childhood flame. She replied in negative saying they were just good friends and nothing was happening between them. She also said she thinks things are not working out between us - the road trip incident made her feel that they will never be OK between us and she wanted to take some time out. She left for her mom's house for the weekend. And i discovered a bomb. 

She had written a diary which i found - in which she has mentioned the troubles for the first 2 years - and then how she is falling again for her childhood flame. She also wrote that they had kissed. I was heartbroken. There were a lot of other some clues which i used to see over the last 4-5 months but i used to disregard about her behaviour but all of them came flooding back to me. She came back to the house yesterday and we had a bit of a showdown. She tried to deny everything in the beginning but then the real story emerged. 

She claimed that during the middle of last year, when she again started feeling a little drift from me - she started talking to him. Initially it was only talk but then they started getting emotionally attached. She claims that initially he was telling her to try and work the marriage out - but during one of those meets the kiss happened. After our last child attempt, she became very disturbed and then he started asking her to come out of marriage. He wasnt sure about getting married to her though - as his family wouldnt accept a divorcee easily. For a couple of months, they were talking on the phone and in Decmber she decided to give the marriage another shot. But he was still behind her and they never stopped talking. Finally during the same time as her road trip - he told her he was ready to try and fight for their marriage. She said she was in love with him and cannot make this marriage work. She vehemently claimed nothing physical happened between them apart from that kiss - and she accidently deleted all the messages from him before this weekend. 

Today morning, i decided to break into her phone and retrieve the old messages - i was able to. I thought i wouldnt be shocked more but i was. They have been into the affair from October. Initally it was like how she told me - he told her to work on the marriage but continued to get frisky when they met. Sometime in Novemeber, they slept together. This continued for some time. He wasnt ready to get married to her. Then in december when my parents came, my wife decided to give the marriage another shot - he started begging her not to. He told her lets meet one last time etc - after my parents left they met again and possibly had sex. He didnt give up after this - she was telling him to not come after her if he wasnt ready to get married. He told her he had low BP etc. They kept talking and he kept trying to convince her. She still had feelings for him - probably the reason we didnt make love during the road trip. They again met on the day i bumped into them at house - they either made out or had sex - i cant say for sure. Now since i caught her, he is telling her that he is ready to fight with his parents for the marriage and she should come out of our marriage. 

I am heartbroken. I dont deserve this treatment. I have always accepted my mistake during the first 2 years of our marriage and have tried my level best to fix it in the last 2 years. After her first affair, i gave her back the trust easily which i shouldn't have. 

Having said all this, i dont want to end this marriage so easily. I have invested so much time and affort into this - i still love her somewhere in my heart. I also cant bring myself to face the world after divorce (still a big deal over here) and also subject my parents to this emotional trauma. I also cant stand her even talking to that guy. She says she is moving out to her parents house - but she is not going to tell her dad right away. She is also saying the reason for our marriage ending is "physical incompatibility". What should i do - spill the beans on her second affair to her and her family ? confront her with her lies for the second affair ? Let her go ? 

I am taking the advice of a professional counsellor as well - just wanted to her what would you guys suggest.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am sorry that you are in this position but here are my observations and recommendations:


It seems like your wife never really got over the man she wanted to marry that her parents did not agree with. This is never a good way to start a new relationship let alone a marriage.
She is not behaving nicely to you - she is not your friend, lover or wife. She is very disrespectful and is a liar and cheat. You do not need such a person around you as they will only break you down. You have to clearly recognise her for what she is (else you will continue to try and hang on).
Since she was never really in love with you (harsh to hear but I am afraid it appears to be true), she will continue to seek her fulfilment elsewhere (past loves, bosses, the mailman … who knows where next) and you will never be able to trust her.
I would start divorce proceedings immediately - knowing what I know of Indian culture, this is not going to be easy but as you know, it will be a lot more difficult on her (which is why she probably wanted to hang on to this "marriage"). However, if you stay together, it will destroy both of you in the end, so splitting up is going to help her as well as you.
You need to start focussing on making yourself a better person - eat healthy, exercise, lose weight, get fit and start focussing on healing yourself emotionally (look at the 180 on this forum).
You need to be able to lose her even if you want to reconcile/give her another chance or whatever (although I really do not see why you would want to - why be with someone who does not love or respect you). But she needs to see that cheating is her fault completely, and either do something about it or move on. To stay, not only would she need to recognise her wrong doing but also show (actions) true remorse. However, if she does not love you she needs to accept this and move on.

I hope you manage to get through this quickly so that you can move on and I wish you the best of luck. By the way which part of India are you from ? (I am assuming you are both Hindu ?)


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ethanhun123 said:


> Having said all this, i dont want to end this marriage so easily.


Your wife has now crossed into the serial cheater category. Serial cheaters rarely change. She will most surely continue to cheat; if not with this OM, someone else. 

It's obvious from what you describe that she doesn't love you. She doesn't even pretend to want to reconcile. No matter what your own issues were in the marriage; her cheating is 100% her fault and she needs to receive the consequences for her choices. 

I understand the cultural issues about divorce; or perhaps I don't. But never the less you have to change your mindset. She has broken her marriage vows more than once; she is actively looking for an exit affair. She has disrespected you profoundly and you have allowed it too long. 

You should be relieved that you don't have children with her and that you don't have decades invested in the marriage. Divorce her, move on with your life, and find someone that will be a faithful partner. That's my advice.

In the long run, you'll be healthier and happier.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Am I the only one noticing the similarities to another thread from only a few days ago?


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## ethanhun123 (Mar 3, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am sorry that you are in this position but here are my observations and recommendations:
> 
> I hope you manage to get through this quickly so that you can move on and I wish you the best of luck. By the way which part of India are you from ? (I am assuming you are both Hindu ?)


I know that I should let her go - that's the right thing to do. I just can't get myself to. Also the guy she is involved with is not the guy her parents didn't approve. Anyways, tommorrow I meet my counsellor and hopefully finalise what to do. I still don't know whether to tell her that I know about her sleeping around.

BTW we are both Hindu and live in Bangalore - my wife is from around here while I am from UP.



badmemory said:


> I understand the cultural issues about divorce; or perhaps I don't. But never the less you have to change your mindset. She has broken her marriage vows more than once; she is actively looking for an exit affair. She has disrespected you profoundly and you have allowed it too long.
> 
> You should be relieved that you don't have children with her and that you don't have decades invested in the marriage. Divorce her, move on with your life, and find someone that will be a faithful partner. That's my advice.
> 
> In the long run, you'll be healthier and happier.


Every logical thing says I do this - still I am hoping for something to get out of this ****hole.

BTW we are also headed to a MC tommorrow but i don't have a lot of hopes. She also keeps asking me for the reasons we are going to say for our marriage breakup - I am confused whether to agree to her "mutual physical incompatibility" **** or let the world know she doesn't want this. I don't want to tell the world of her misdeeds really - that would totally spoil her future here and a part of me still loves her.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ethanhun123 said:


> Every logical thing says I do this - still I am hoping for something to get out of this ****hole.
> 
> BTW we are also headed to a MC tommorrow but i don't have a lot of hopes. She also keeps asking me for the reasons we are going to say for our marriage breakup - I am confused whether to agree to her "mutual physical incompatibility" **** or let the world know she doesn't want this. I don't want to tell the world of her misdeeds really - that would totally spoil her future here and a part of me still loves her.


Yes, you are in a hole. She dug it and is throwing dirt on top of you. 

At some point, your logical brain will overcome the emotions you are feeling right now. That's when you'll have the regrets if you stay with her. One way to overcome this is to use your anger to stay focused on what you should do.

In regards to exposing her; of course you do. *SHE* is the one that chose to cheat. She should have known the consequences - and she fully deserves them. Even if you decided to stay with her (and I hope you don't), you have to expose her. To her family, your family and the OM's SO/family. To not do do is simply rug sweeping what she did.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

First of all she does not get to tell you what to do.

Secondly, the reason you are splitting up is because she was cheating, unfaithful, lying, deceitful ... and you cannot live with this disrespect and bad behaviour - pure and simple - you do not need to make up reasons for her behaviour - let her deal with the aftermath of her bad, selfish and amoral behaviour.

I know that her current OM is not her first love (the one that parents disagreed with) which only tells me that she is not pining away for just one person - she will go with anyone as long as it is not you and she has you as Plan B (for support etc.). You need to get rid of her asap.

Do not attempt to find something that is simply not there - her love for you.

Good luck with this.


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## ethanhun123 (Mar 3, 2014)

So i met my counsellor today morning. Her advice broadly reflects what you all have been telling me - this has gone too far and its better i end this. She also adviced to talk to either my parents or some close friends about this - so far i have been dealing with this myself alone. I guess i was worried that enlarging the circle will bring a sense of finality to the whole thing. 

Anyway we are going to the MC tonite .. after which i am going to confront her with the knowledge of her sleeping around. She has told me she is moving out to her parents home tommorrow - maybe this will happen tonight itself. 

I am also going to talk to my parents - maybe have them come over. If things get ugly - so let it be. She brought this upon herself by her actions. I dont want to spoil her future life - still a part of me cares about her. But thats going to happen - let it be.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Tell her parents everything about her two affairs. You need them on your side before she can start the abuse and the dowry harassment claims(which can get pretty bad in India. The laws are very biased and are often abused)

You invested in a bad stock and lost everything. Read about Sunk Cost Fallacy.

Write a letter to her parents and explain all the events until now(probably leave out the explicit details about your sex life)

What about her first affair ? Do you have any details about that too ? Is that guy married ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> . She is also saying the reason for our marriage ending is "physical incompatibility"


She wants to make you an eunuch, if you don't get it.

Save all your evidence.


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## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

Without thinking Leave this marriage. Yougave her 1 chance.. the 2nd is too much. Best of luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She wants a divorce? Give her one.

But on your terms.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

yes indeed. divorce her. do not have children with her! 
Because that would make the current disaster look like delightful in comparison


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

So sorry OP, but you need to let her go. She has totally detached from you, and will not come back. Her second thoughts are based only on the social stigma of divorce. Let her go.


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## ethanhun123 (Mar 3, 2014)

Thanks a lot for all your advice. 

Update: We went to MC on tuesday - she made it pretty clear there is no future. After that i revealed to her that i knew the full extent of her misdeeds. Yesterday, she went and met one of her girlfriends and once she came back she started telling how it was my fault that she was unsatisfied. This is the reason why she turned into this person. 

Anyway, I have realised at the bottom of my heart that we cant continue like this. I still have a deep affection for her - but her latest actions have kind of removed all the love i have for her. She is terrified of the whole divorce thing because of her dad who is ultra conservative. Even i am wary of this because of the whole upheaval and sh$tstore its going to cause. I dont want this to get ugly - i dont want to expose her to her parents. I liked her as a person when i met her - even though she has done things which have hurt me a lot - i would still like to believe that she deserves a happy life. 

She still hasnt moved out of the house - i think both of us are still coming to terms with the fact that once she does move out of the house - things will move up a gear. She is going to move out on Saturday morning - and i am going to call my parents over on Saturday evening. 

While i wish her a happy future life - i so wish if i could destroy the life of the person she got involved with. He isnt married unfortunately and i dont feel like taking the pains of approaching his parents/family on the actions he did. 

I know i may sound a little bit timid and not really doing the extreme things you guys are telling me to do - but i really think a clean break is what would give both me and her a better future. What good is going to come out of making things ugly?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

That is just enabling her. 

Why should she change ? She will assume that you remained silent were because of yo

Shame is a good motivator. She lied and cheated on you without any guilt. She did that repeatedly without any guilt, looking in your eyes everyday. 

The exposure is not for revenge. If that was the case, you would probably post it on her Facebook wall and destroy her socially. People who hold her accountable need to know. They need to know so that the shame of her actions will stop her from doing it to the next guy. And so that she will start to think beyond her own selfish reasons. 

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. 



> i would still like to believe that she deserves a happy life.


Yes, but it would be great if she does not ruin lives in the process. Maybe she is good looking, but she is not a good person. She is just another ugly selfish cheater. 

Don't be a martyr.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Was her boss married ?


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## ethanhun123 (Mar 3, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> That is just enabling her.
> 
> Why should she change ? She will assume that you remained silent were because of yo
> 
> Shame is a good motivator. She lied and cheated on you without any guilt. She did that repeatedly without any guilt, looking in your eyes everyday.


Oh yes she did. But what can i do now ? And why should i cause even more pain in my life when i dont see anything positive happening to me as a result. I know she has a lot on anger on me - she is not going to accept whatever i tell her. So whats the point of keeping on trying to shout on her. Especially when there seems to be no future in our relationship.



warlock07 said:


> The exposure is not for revenge. If that was the case, you would probably post it on her Facebook wall and destroy her socially. People who hold her accountable need to know. They need to know so that the shame of her actions will stop her from doing it to the next guy. And so that she will start to think beyond her own selfish reasons.


Who do i tell it to ? Her parents ? So that they can never face her again in her life ? And she is not going to stop doing anything because her parents will think bad of her. I might tell her best friend - but then again - she will always have enough reasons to justify in front of her friend.



warlock07 said:


> Yes, but it would be great if she does not ruin lives in the process. Maybe she is good looking, but she is not a good person. She is just another ugly selfish cheater.
> 
> Don't be a martyr.


Yes. What she did was 200% wrong - i have no doubts on that. I am not being a martyr at all for her cheating - but i do accept that there were other things wrong in our marriage apart from cheating and i was equally responsible for those things.



warlock07 said:


> Was her boss married ?


 He was - but his marriage was also in a tough place.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Ethan

Work on yourself and build yourself up. She deserve to suffer consequenses but you getting involved in giving her consequenses will take away from you building yourself up. 

Don't be distracted with her consequenses as she will reap what she has sowed in time


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## ethanhun123 (Mar 3, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> Ethan
> 
> Work on yourself and build yourself up. She deserve to suffer consequenses but you getting involved in giving her consequenses will take away from you building yourself up.
> 
> Don't be distracted with her consequenses as she will reap what she has sowed in time


Yes. Thats the aim and thats what everyone around me is also saying. 

Problem is dealing with the memories of the last 5 years and letting go even after you have kind of decided to.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

ethan, i truly respect the fact you are taking the high road, it speak volumes about your character, but it is one thing to take the high road and still another in becoming road kill, but that i mean that you realize that the words she has expressed to you denotes one who is looking to blame someone else for her actions. Because you did not satisfied her she was forced to seek comfort else where....what does that say about her character, when she tells her parents, who do you think she will blame for the end of your marriage? are you willing to become the bad guy in order for her to seek happiness in the arms of someone else? because going back to my early description, if you don't think for one moment that she will not throw under the bus in front of her parents you don't know who you are living with. You have done nothing wrong, why defend someone who is willing blame you for their own short comings.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Ethan
Have you ever thought of what it would be like to be married to a woman who loved you in the way a woman does her husband? where there wouldn't be any other men in her life, men friends that she was spending one-on-one time with or more?

It's wonderful to be in such a marriage. 

I understand the stigma of divorce in your country and that is what makes your situation very difficult. But. . . you only get one life. In a year or less everyone will have forgotten. You have no children which makes it so much easier, especially in your case because of the social unacceptability of divorce. 

You are still so young. Go through with the divorce - you have given it 5 years and it will be hard to let go. But you know deep down you must. 

Tell the truth to anyone who might ask what happened. Why should you take the blame for a cheater. You have worked so hard on this marriage and you can tell that to those who ask too.

I'm so sorry for the pain you have been through in the past few years.


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