# How do I handle this?



## kcl08 (Oct 18, 2020)

Hi everyone.

Please bear with me.... I've never talked about sex with anyone. Even typing that sentence out is giving me anxiety. Other people here seem to be more open but I was taught that sex is a private matter. Talking about myself is bad enough. Saying anything about my husband's desires feels like a tremendous betrayal. I'm probably the worst wife on the planet right now. I'm trying to avoid being that and here I am being one.... I read the rules but I'm not sure if topics about desires are even allowed?

Ugh. Ok, so twice in the last month my husband has brought up our sex life and his desire to try new things. We rarely talk about sex so this is new for him. It's new for us both. We have been together for 24 years (married 17) and this is the first time he has talked about these things. He's my husband. I love him, I trust him, but I've never done the things he wants to try. The mere thought of the acts makes me nervous and is kicking my anxiety into overdrive.

I know I need to keep him happy and satisfied but I'm freaking out. Ugh someone is about to roll over in their grave... He wants me to use a dildo on myself while giving him oral sex. He wants to use a dildo or butt plug during intercourse. He wants me to use a dildo or vibrator during anal sex. Ugh. I'm about to die from humiliation. I'm shaking and close to a panic attack just from typing that. Some of those words I've never even used before, let alone thought about doing!!

I want to enjoy my husband during sex. I love being with him and feeling him. I don't see how I can do that and feel close to him if my body is filled up with plastic and doing these acts. We have 8 kids guys. Eight. Alone time is hard to come by. I don't want to lose, ruin, or diminish that time for closeness. I don't want to destroy our sex life. Will he keep wanting more and more? Is it going to turn into him wanting another man in our bedroom?? I can't and won't be with anyone else. I've never even held hands with another man! I'm freaking the hell out. I don't understand why he wants what he wants. He's not gay and he says I will like the feeling of the sex toys. It's not the kind of sex I want to be having though. I struggle with anxiety and my mind is running a mile a minute. Will it hurt? How do I do two things at once? Is it gross? How will it even fit? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Full disclosure, we have had anal sex before.... but only accidentally. Each time hurt and the pain lasted for several days. I'm scared to try again. My husband says anal sex only hurt because we did it wrong. After all, it was an accident. I'm still scared though and I struggle with the ick factor.

I'm shaking like crazy and I don't want to do the things he wants to do. How do couples deal with this? Do I just do it? Is it bad that he desires those things? We have a good marriage and I want it to stay that way. My husband is my soulmate and we have been together since we were 12. I can't remember life without him and I don't ever want to see what that looks like. I don't want him to have resentment towards me or feel unfulfilled. I don't want to shame him. We have never dealt with sex problems. I don't know what to do and I'm so nervous for him to bring up the topic again.

Ugh. I'm mortified by what I just shared with you. I need some help


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

That’s quite a leap...believing using sex toys is a launching pad for bringing another person into the bedroom. Quite the imagination for such a shy one.

Your anxiety about talking about needs/desires with your spouse needs to be addressed. 

You also have the right to not do something you don’t want to do regardless of how short or long you’ve been with someone. 

However if you decide to do or even not to do something then you need to make it clear and you can only do that by actually talking with your spouse. The time to bring your issues up is outside the bedroom and not in the heat of the moment.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's not a terrible thing or unusual for either spouse to bring up variations desired in a M ltr of many years.

It's a very positive act that he's talking with you, that you and he are communicating.

Your best direction is to not read too much into this. Pick a couple of his asks that you're ok with, that would be interesting to you to, and maybe become a bit more carnal in your sex with him.

He may have gone overboard in telling you everything at once but you can be sure if you pick a couple and go with it, all of it may not come to pass, and the fact that you two can talk about sex will continue to shape the sexual relationship future in a xxv positive way. 

Don't freak out. 

It can be good.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

introducing new things into the sexual relationship does NOT have to take away closeness. It is all in how you look at the situation. Novelty can be fun and enjoying to both. I would also agree with @Ragnar Ragnasson comments above.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband has been watching too damn much porn. 

A dildo in your vagina while he butt ****s you - yeah, right, that would be really comfortable - NOT! You giving him head while also using a dildo on yourself - tell him that you can do one thing well or two things half-assed. I notice that all of his 'desires' don't involve him doing any extra work. It's sex - not a damn circus act.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Well, the good news is that if your husband is talking to you about this, he is showing a great deal of trust in you. Since this is the first time the two of you have discussed this, he has probably had a great deal of his own anxiety before even mentioning his desires to you, so whatever you do, do not yell or scream or accuse him of being a pervert. If you do, he will lose his trust in you and will never discuss anything with you again.

Please consider what he is telling you. He is wanting to expand a little bit. You don't have to take on the whole ball of wax at once, but consider doing something. Please keep talking to him about it and see where it leads you. If you two can talk about this, you can talk about anything so don't blow it up. You might discover something that the two of you really enjoy.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Oh bless, this does sound very outside your comfort zone.

So there are two things to look at here.

Firstly, your husband's new desires: Quite often as people progress through life and their sexuality, they get new sexual urges they wish to experience. 
These new desires are centred around you though, and he seems to either want you to experience more sensations and pleasure, or he wants you to put on a x rated show for him.

Secondly, your comfort zone.
I am the woman that did all of the above, so I'm not against it, but I wouldn't suggest you trying it whilst you are this anxious as it just will not work for either of you.

There can only be baby steps here. Really small ones. No way are you suddenly going to be able to change your sexuality to accommodate his new needs.
This could all end in tears if not handled properly.

Maybe just start by looking at the toys with him online. See if you can find the top of the range ones that incorporate beauty and style so that they don't seem so yuck to you. 

Maybe an external tiny bullet vibe (vibrator) in a pretty colour, just to get you used to the idea of holding or touching a toy. This could not be used internally for his new desires, but it's a cheap introduction to toys.
Maybe your husband could choose one, if even the idea of looking is too much for you yet.

Everything else will have to be discussed slowly and with understanding on both parts.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EveningThoughts said:


> Oh bless, this does sound very outside your comfort zone.
> 
> So there are two things to look at here.
> 
> ...


Not necessarily all outside your or a Ws comfort zone, don't think this is abnormal conversation in an ltr by no means.

This isn't an automatic negative, far from it.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Posted in the wrong place.
Please ignore


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband has been watching too damn much porn.
> 
> A dildo in your vagina while he butt ****s you - yeah, right, that would be really comfortable - NOT! You giving him head while also using a dildo on yourself - tell him that you can do one thing well or two things half-assed. I notice that all of his 'desires' don't involve him doing any extra work. It's sex - not a damn circus act.


So do I have to get rid of all the circus swings and trapezes and toys in our toy chest? Most things take more work on my part btw.

Maybe not right now. Give me 10 years to think about it.

OP, like most things, the best answer is to find a balance.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Not necessarily all outside your or a Ws comfort zone, don't think this is abnormal conversation in an ltr by no means.
> 
> This isn't an automatic negative, far from it.


Did you mean to reply to me?

I pointed out that it wasn't outside my comfort zone as a wife, far from it.
And I never suggest it was abnormal to discuss these things in a ltr, (I'm more open to communication about sex than most people care for), or that it was a negative.

At the moment though, it is an automatic negative for her, as it's way beyond her reach she is already having a physical and emotional reaction so extreme at even typing the words. To have a panic attack at even the thought, means a very slow and gentle pace forward if at all. There could well be some deep issues coming up to the surface here.

I think she is doing well just to get on here and open herself up to the idea


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can understand why you feel nervous and anything that makes you feel so bad isnt something you should be doing. I suspect that he watches porn, does he? Probably getting ideas from there as many seem to do. 
You do not have to do anything that makes you feel terrible, and you need to tell him that some of those things are not what you want to do. Anything that you not only hate but that makes you very sore for days is something you can and should say no to. The rectum's muscles are for expelling waste, it is not designed for anything to be inserted and damage can happen. The muscles go the wrong way for a start. 

Just say that you love him very much, but that these are things that you cant and wont do. Also ask him to stop the porn. If he loves you he would never force anything on you. 

There are definitely things that I would say no to if I was asked, for many different reasons. Its not wrong to sometimes say no.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EveningThoughts said:


> Did you mean to reply to me?
> 
> I pointed out that it wasn't outside my comfort zone as a wife, far from it.
> And I never suggest it was abnormal to discuss these things in a ltr, (I'm more open to communication about sex than most people care for), or that it was a negative.
> ...


I dont think she is opening herself up to the idea, I think she is wanting to know if she must do things that are so distasteful to her or if can say no. Which of course she can and should if she cant do them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> introducing new things into the sexual relationship does NOT have to take away closeness. It is all in how you look at the situation. Novelty can be fun and enjoying to both. I would also agree with @Ragnar Ragnasson comments above.


It will take away closeness if its things that one spouse doesnt want to do. Both must be fully on board for anything new. No pressure of any sort should be exerted.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I dont think she is opening herself up to the idea, I think she is wanting to know if she must do things that are so distasteful to her or if can say no. Which of course she can and should if she cant do them.


There's no must do these things here, just an awareness to be acquired that it's not an automatic tragedy that her H at this stage in their ltr, to at least try to communicate they could use some variation.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So do I have to get rid of all the circus swings and trapezes and toys in our toy chest? Most things take more work on my part btw.
> 
> Maybe not right now. Give me 10 years to think about it.
> 
> OP, like most things, the best answer is to find a balance.


Your wife is up for it. Get rid of them at your own peril. That isn't what the OP's husband is talking about. Seriously, some men just need to study female anatomy. One really can not park a Buick in there or shove 7 dwarves up there, either. A vagina is not a toy chest. 

Treating a wife like a piece of Ikea furniture is never a good idea.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There's no must do these things here, just an awareness to be acquired that it's not an automatic tragedy that her H at this stage in their ltr, to at least try to communicate they could use some variation.


Depends on what the variation is and whether they are both on board with it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is up for it. Get rid of them at your own peril. That isn't what the OP's husband is talking about. Seriously, some men just need to study female anatomy. One really can not park a Buick in there or shove 7 dwarves up there, either. A vagina is not a toy chest.
> 
> Treating a wife like a piece of Ikea furniture is never a good idea.


Agreed, and the rectum isnt designed for anything to be inserted into it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

@*kcl08 -*

It seems from your response that you suffer from a ton of anxiety about sex. What exactly is it about these requests your husband is making that cause you so much distress? Do you have a rigid definition of sex that only includes very basic vanilla activity, or do you specifically dislike what's he is requesting ? Are you open to any changes at all, which are almost certain to happen in any sufficiently long term relationship? Is your husband a selfish lover who only cares about his desires, or does he work hard to please you as well? What bad things do you think might happen - you've already alluded to a slippery slope argument that this will open Pandora's box to an open marriage (which is a HUGE leap, and not justified from what you've written here). 

Your situation sounds like it might be very similar to mine, so perhaps I can offer some insight.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You are very brave to stretch yourself (pun) to talk to us. You were 'raised' to think of sex as private, but with 8 children, you have figured it out! There are good suggestions here. 

There is NO reason to feel humiliation or panic--just the opposite. Change in anything can be daunting. For you the unknown is leading you into leaps that are unlikely. Millions of dollars are spent on sex-related objects. Could you and your hubby visit a store and just sight see? Books are available that might help too.

For many the use of toys can be exciting, pleasing, but your approach would have to be welcoming. One small step--whatever you might try to show him you HEAR his plea--would start as an adventure. You do not think of this as romantic, but maybe more passion would be evidenced. Never do something that is not comfortable for y'all.

Someone that has delivered eight children might well have internal anal issues that would be problematic. Anal is better with preparation--often a lot of prep. 

Yay to you--you have likely joined mainstream Canada.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@kcl08 

First, it sounds like these things are pretty far outside your comfort zone. Now you asked for help so I'm going to just tell you my own personal opinion. YOUR opinion may differ...and you get to establish your own opinion and choices. Okay?

So here is what he asked for: 


> He wants me to use a dildo on myself while giving him oral sex. He wants to use a dildo or butt plug during intercourse. He wants me to use a dildo or vibrator during anal sex. Ugh. I'm about to die from humiliation. I'm shaking and close to a panic attack just from typing that. Some of those words I've never even used before, let alone thought about doing!!


I personally think that what a couple chooses to do in the privacy of their own bedroom is up to them to decide TOGETHER, agree to TOGETHER, and then both enforce the agreement on themselves...Together! In other words, it is okay to talk to your hubby about what he wants, and share with him what YOU want (or don't want). Then the two of you decide together what you agree to introduce into your bedroom, and he makes himself observe the agreement, and you make yourself observe the agreement. Whatever you two decide together is YOUR joint decision. 

Next, it is okay to tell him if you are afraid, if you are considering but not quite there yet, or if you are intrigued but never thought of that before. In other words, it is okay to tell him you will think about his request but it's new to you. Now I would say it's reasonable to give your own self a time limit, like "I would like 3 days to think about what you said and we can talk about my thoughts on Thursday..." because then it's not just endlessly "put off." Likewise, just because something is unfamiliar or new doesn't necessarily mean it's scary or yucky! Sometimes it is just not something that's been done before and it might be AWESOME...but new. So of those three things he requested, instead of thinking of them as scary or yucky, think "Huh, I have never thought of that, but I am willing to be open-minded and consider it." 

Next, I would also say it's reasonable to say yes, okay I'll try it, or no. Maybe the dildo during oral is new but you'd be willing to be brave and try that--whereas you using a dildo during anal sex is just a no. YOU get to decide that, not us. Some people truly can not relax and enjoy some sexual things and it is okay to say "Yeah, that is just not pleasurable to me." Other things, like him wearing a plug during intercourse--again if you just haven't done that and he wants to try it and it's in him, affecting him--shoot maybe that's an "okay I'll try that" for you. See what I mean? Some things are a hard no, so just let him know if it's just not your thing. But other things are ... well that's different! ... but they aren't a hard no. So again, tell him. And if something IS a hard no, I would say follow that up with why (so that maybe you could adapt it in some way to be a maybe) or follow up with what you ARE willing to do--like a counter-offer. 

Final thoughts, you might want to pick one or two that you are willing to try, let him know that you are afraid and nervous but willing to be open to it, and ask if he would *_*. For example, go slow... take it one step at a time... have a safe word that means stop... etc. Ask for what would make YOU feel a little more comfortable. And lastly, and most importantly, THANK YOU for being open and honest with you, sharing his requests with you, and allowing you to share with him! That is an amazing honor that he trusted you that much.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

kcl08 said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> Please bear with me.... I've never talked about sex with anyone. Even typing that sentence out is giving me anxiety. Other people here seem to be more open but I was taught that sex is a private matter. Talking about myself is bad enough. Saying anything about my husband's desires feels like a tremendous betrayal. I'm probably the worst wife on the planet right now. I'm trying to avoid being that and here I am being one.... I read the rules but I'm not sure if topics about desires are even allowed?
> 
> ...


Boundaries. You have them. Stick to them. My W of 26 tried the toys, etc. Said she did not need them. Much rather feel me. The toys went into the trash.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First of all this is not a criticism of you in the sense that you are bad or your positions is wrong but more an encouragement. I also don't want my post to be be seen as someone pressuring you. I want to try to explain this as I see it as a man, because I think many women don't understand men's nature or why they have a desires like this.

First I think before you do anything you should really address your seeming shyness about sex or sexuality. I wonder if that translates into your sexual relationship. The issue would be if you feel some sort of shame involved. Nothing he asked for is shameful, personally I am of the opinion as long as it's safe and consensual then there is nothing to be ashamed of under the grounds of marriage.

Now maybe it's not your thing and that is a perfectly fine answer, but if it's not your thing because of some of misplace puritanism then maybe you are missing out. Maybe there are some things that you would like. Maybe they won't involve toys but something else. If it was anything other then sex would your reaction be the same? If it was food and he wanted to try some very spicy would your reaction be as strong even if you didn't want to? Part of my point is that you should be able to tell your husband no just like you would about the food. You wouldn't need to post about it (again I don't say that to pressure you but to make you really think about why your reaction is so intense).

Now maybe its not shame but fear. OK again that is perfectly understandable. But once again maybe you are missing out. I think for a lot of people in general and particularly adventurous women the joy isn't so much in the act but see your spouses reaction to it. Believe it or not kinky sex is a very lovely and bonding thing in a good marriage. Frankly I am not sure women understand that for men especially it's very endearing.

Now let me try to explain why I think this is, in general, not specifically to your situation or any specific acts. I have always believed that one of the things in marriage that binds us is the willingness to be vulnerable with each other enough to share a deep intimacy. Hear me out. I think both men and women seek this out in their partners in their marriage, maybe even subconsciously. Now wives usually want their husbands to love them enough to be the one person they are emotionally vulnerable (I mean that in the context of letting ones guard down as to expose the delicate aspects of ones nature) I think for men one of their desires is for their wives to be sexual vulnerability in the same context. Yes it works the same way. Men truly do experience closeness through sex. We are physical beings and the desire for sexual intimacy is one of the primary ways we experience intimacy. Unlike the trope it's not all about getting our rocks off. Frankly even those men who are womanizers are really trying to experience intimacy they just don't understand and abuse their nature.

So vulnerable in this context means trying new things. Unfortunately just writing the words, wives, sexual, and vulnerability in today's day and age can invoke a kind of sinister connotation, but once again in the context of a loving marriage it's a wonderful and bonding activity. Spouses in a good marriage should be vulnerable. Now if it hurts you or causes you real pain that is different, and that's wrong. Also it's wrong to pressure your spouse. But I would entreat you to try to see this from a different perspective. What he really wants is explore an aspect of himself and you together. He wants you to share an intimacy. He wants to look at you from across the room and smile knowing that there are things that you have done with him that no other person would know. Just like you probably want to look across the room and think there are emotional things he shared with you that no other person would know. That is what this is really. It's just that because terrible people have abused the desire for this that we think of the desire itself as wrong. It's not wrong, it's beautiful. It's about a very deep level of sharing which is what marriage is meant to be.

"Carnal knowledge" this is an old fashion word for sex, but it's a wonderful term for sex, and a great description of what your husband is looking for. He wants to be the one who you give the knowledge of your sexual nature. Because he wants to be close to you.

I would say to any spouse man or women, if your partner has earned your trust then take the chance and be brave for them whether it is emotional or physical, if you have it within you to do that. That is a good thing, love always takes courage. Frankly anything good in life takes courage.

So in that context I think you should try to work on what you are feeling, is it fear? Shame? Do you find it gross? You can be very reserved when you present yourself and still be open to trying new things in your private life. But even if you can't you will still have a better understand of what is going on with you and you can communicate that and talk to him about it. From this communication you start a discussion, maybe even a physical one.

The point is it may not be your cup of tea but what he is asking is not morally wrong. I wonder if it's not your cup of tea but at least ask yourself why. Maybe you should examine that.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You have 8 children in 17 years. You have never been in a failed romantic relationship. Of course you are stressed and frightened. 

As far as advice, Sure Contain his porn. Also schedule couple vacations once a year. And last, It would probably be a lot more fun if you were coming up with some of the ideas.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Sorry I’m just going to say it... your husband is being a jerk. Why in the world would he ask you to stick a dildo in your vagina while you are having anal sex when you have never even had real anal sex before? Honestly that is super rude to me. 

It’s the same thing as you saying you want to spice things up, and you want your husband on all 4s masterbating while you have sex with him from behind with a strap on. Seriously, this is the equivalent of what he is asking you!!! It’s not, let’s try a finger or two first in your ass and see how you like it. Nope, straight to double penetration. 

Here are some other questions: do you feel comfortable giving him head? Do you feel comfortable with a dildo? What about one that doesn’t go in you? Are you ok with experimenting with anal play or is that completely off the table? Does he want anal play done TO him?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It just seems very odd to me that he knows you had anal sex in the past, he knows it was painful and he knows you were sore for days, yet he still wants you to do it again. Believe me, if I wanted something that I knew hurt my husband, that I knew he didnt like and that I knew left him sore for days, there is no way on earth that I would ever ask again, let alone keep asking or put pressure on him. I just dont get some people, it seems so selfish.
Not helped by many here who seem to be claiming that if only you tried it you would probably like it, as if you are not allowed to say no to anything sexually. That people must try whatever their spouse asks for regardless of what it is and how painful it is and what a bad effect it has on you emotionally.
I find this thread quite troubling actually, people do not have to even try something if they are very unhappy about it, and no one should expect their spouse to do anything that distresses them, especially not something that they have probably seen in porn. 

OP, you seem to have a good happy marriage, you have been together for 17 years, so you must have been doing something right sexually and otherwise all this time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Sorry I’m just going to say it... your husband is being a jerk. Why in the world would he ask you to stick a dildo in your vagina while you are having anal sex when you have never even had real anal sex before? Honestly that is super rude to me.
> 
> It’s the same thing as you saying you want to spice things up, and you want your husband on all 4s masterbating while you have sex with him from behind with a strap on. Seriously, this is the equivalent of what he is asking you!!! It’s not, let’s try a finger or two first in your ass and see how you like it. Nope, straight to double penetration.
> 
> Here are some other questions: do you feel comfortable giving him head? Do you feel comfortable with a dildo? What about one that doesn’t go in you? Are you ok with experimenting with anal play or is that completely off the table? Does he want anal play done TO him?


So it's your feeling then that no partner can ever ask for something other then vanilla in regards to sex then? I mean I personally wouldn't think my wife was being a jerk to ask me to do what you said, I mean I would laugh an be like hell no but there is nothing nefarious in the asking. I also might suggest something else that I might be into. How can you have a good sex life if you have to be careful never to ask for something unless you are sure your spouse is into it. 

Now maybe your issue is he didn't read the room right and went from 1-10 too fast but they are married and presumably this is his one sex partner and on that I agree, bad form but why can he ask for whatever he thinks would be fun. Assuming they have the kind of relationship where she can say no and not feel pressured. It's very hard to tell from this post if it's him or for her just the idea itself.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

sokillme said:


> So it's your feeling then that no partner can ever ask for something other then vanilla in regards to sex then? I mean I personally wouldn't think my wife was being a jerk to ask me to do what you said, I mean I would laugh an be like hell no but there is nothing nefarious in the asking. I also might suggest something else that I might be into. How can you have a good sex life if you have to be careful never to ask for something unless you are sure your spouse is into it.
> 
> Now maybe your issue is he didn't read the room right and went from 1-10 too fast but they are married and presumably this is his one sex partner and on that I agree, bad form but why can he ask for whatever he thinks would be fun. Assuming they have the kind of relationship where she can say no and not feel pressured. It's very hard to tell from this post if it's him or for her just the idea itself.


That’s not what I am saying. If he end goal is to have anal sex with her while she uses a dildo then that’s fine. It’s a little weird and specific but it’s fine. My problem is that he should first see if she even likes anal or anal play. That’s why I said it would be something entirely different if he wanted to insert a finger, and see how it goes, then insert two fingers etc. not go zero to 100 double penetration. Especially if he knows it HURT her. 


There is nothing wrong is asking for non vanilla sex. There IS something wrong with asking for something so out of her normal, and something that caused her physical pain.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Agreed, and the rectum isnt designed for anything to be inserted into it.


Since the mouth was designed with teeth and for eating, and CLEARLY wasn’t _*designed*_ to have a penis interested into it, by that logic one must also rule out fellatio. How sad.

My wife had this attitude for the first 15 years of our marriage and so there was no anal sex. I would have loved to try it before then but I respected her boundaries. Then one day, in a moment she asked to try. I didn’t know what I was doing and it did hurt her a bit so we stopped. But I learned online how to do this right, and now she has repeated intense orgasms when we do this. There is NOTHING wrong, including Biblically Diana, for a husband and wife to do this. In our case, we both love this and indulge at least weekly. It’s taken our intimacy to another level and yes, the orgasms for me are MUCH more intense in anal sex as well.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

sokillme said:


> So it's your feeling then that no partner can ever ask for something other then vanilla in regards to sex then? I mean I personally wouldn't think my wife was being a jerk to ask me to do what you said, I mean I would laugh an be like hell no but there is nothing nefarious in the asking. I also might suggest something else that I might be into. How can you have a good sex life if you have to be careful never to ask for something unless you are sure your spouse is into it.
> 
> Now maybe your issue is he didn't read the room right and went from 1-10 too fast but they are married and presumably this is his one sex partner and on that I agree, bad form but why can he ask for whatever he thinks would be fun. Assuming they have the kind of relationship where she can say no and not feel pressured. It's very hard to tell from this post if it's him or for her just the idea itself.


Also there is nothing wrong with what he wants to do. But you have to take into account the sex they normally have, as well things they tried and didn’t like. So to ask for double penetration on someone who doesn’t even like anal sex is strange. 

If he wants anal sex and butt plugs he should tell her he wants to experiment with some anal play, and whether or not she will be interested. And you start small and then when she reaches her limit she can say so. He just went from 0-100. It’s crazy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> That’s not what I am saying. If he end goal is to have anal sex with her while she uses a dildo then that’s fine. It’s a little weird and specific but it’s fine. My problem is that he should first see if she even likes anal or anal play. That’s why I said it would be something entirely different if he wanted to insert a finger, and see how it goes, then insert two fingers etc. not go zero to 100 double penetration. Especially if he knows it HURT her.
> 
> 
> There is nothing wrong is asking for non vanilla sex. There IS something wrong with asking for something so out of her normal, and something that caused her physical pain.


I agree that it seems like 0-100 but the reluctance in her post makes it hard to assess.

As far as asking for something out of her norm, how do you expand the norm if you don't ask to? Again it's just asking. 

Hey you want to try this Thai restaurant, since we never had that before? Nope. Sure.

In a good loving communicative relationship I don't think those questions have to be any different.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gr8ful1 said:


> Since the mouth was designed with teeth and for eating, and CLEARLY wasn’t _*designed*_ to have a penis interested into it, by that logic one must also rule out fellatio. How sad.
> 
> My wife had this attitude for the first 15 years of our marriage and so there was no anal sex. I would have loved to try it before then but I respected her boundaries. Then one day, in a moment she asked to try. I didn’t know what I was doing and it did hurt her a bit so we stopped. But I learned online how to do this right, and now she has repeated intense orgasms when we do this. There is NOTHING wrong, including Biblically Diana, for a husband and wife to do this. In our case, we both love this and indulge at least weekly. It’s taken our intimacy to another level and yes, the orgasms for me are MUCH more intense in anal sex as well.


You are entitlied to your opinion. The rectum expels waste. Its not for having anything inserted. People have damaged themselves though having anal sex and ended up with anal incontinence later in life. The anus is very tight, its supposed to be, it has muscles that go the wrong way for anything being inserted. As for the mouth, its large enough for oral sex with no pain or discomfort. Nothing needs to be stretched or hurt or damaged. 
As for the biblical aspect, we will have to agree to disagree on that one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I agree that it seems like 0-100 but the reluctance in her post makes it hard to assess.
> 
> As far as asking for something out of her norm, how do you expand the norm if you don't ask to? Again it's just asking.
> 
> ...


I dont think you can compare this to eating at a restaurant really. Its not just about not trying something new, its about her knowing that its not for her and already knowing that its painful and makes her sore.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kcl08 said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> Please bear with me.... I've never talked about sex with anyone. Even typing that sentence out is giving me anxiety. Other people here seem to be more open but I was taught that sex is a private matter. Talking about myself is bad enough. Saying anything about my husband's desires feels like a tremendous betrayal. I'm probably the worst wife on the planet right now. I'm trying to avoid being that and here I am being one.... I read the rules but I'm not sure if topics about desires are even allowed?
> 
> ...


It's ok for you to not like something and/or not want to do it.

Your husband is probably watching a bunch of porn and getting warped views about sex.

You have every right to talk about what you like and don't like just as much as him.

Would he like a dildo shoved up his butt while you had him tied down and using his erection painfully for your pleasure?

Sex is a two way street. He isn't being considerate or loving towards you and this is one sided at your expense which always makes for very bad sex anyway.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gr8ful1 said:


> Since the mouth was designed with teeth and for eating, and CLEARLY wasn’t _*designed*_ to have a penis interested into it, by that logic one must also rule out fellatio. How sad.


Terrible argument.

Anal is fine if husband and wife want to play that way but the mouth was designed for kissing, sucking and caressing besides eating.

The a hole was designed to get rid of ****.😉


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Terrible argument.
> 
> Anal is fine if husband and wife want to play that way but the mouth was designed for kissing, sucking and caressing besides eating.
> 
> The a hole was designed to get rid of ****.😉


Terrible argument. 

None of it was "designed" to do anything. That the mouth can be co-opted to put on a penis hardly constitutes its original function.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

For the sake of calming an argument 🙄 can we look at what the hubby actually requested (I'm quoting here):



> He wants me to use a dildo on myself while giving him oral sex. He wants to use a dildo or butt plug during intercourse. He wants me to use a dildo or vibrator during anal sex.


So he would like to request that she use a dildo--which would be in her vagina, not external--while she gave him a blow job. My guess is that he thinks she might get turned on while she's turning him on. But nothing nefarious or selfish there. She'd probably enjoy a vibrator more than a dildo though. 

He would like to request that he use a dildo or butt plug during intercourse...on himself. Again, my guess is that he's curious what it would feel like. If he used a dildo he might understand more readily why she doesn't love anal! HAHA!! But still, that is a pleasing sensation to some humans, and he is not asking HER to experience any pain or do anything different than the usual. In fact, he's suggesting that HE do the experiencing of whatever sensation... so nothing nefarious or selfish there either.

He would like to request that she use a dildo or vibrator during anal sex. Well..vibrators can be used externally, and it is within the realm of conceivability that if the anal is slow and gentle and well-lubed...while also stimulating the clit...that it may be MUCH more enjoyable for her. The dildo during anal sex--yeah that's probably 0-100 but then again, it's not like these two are much beyond vanilla, so I chalk that up to fantasy talk getting crazy!

This is why my suggestion to @kcl08 was to figure out what HER OWN opinion is, where she draws her own lines, whilst also maintaining a somewhat open mind, and then share with him what sounds scary but maybe fun...and what sounds like a hard no. 

P.S. For me, a dildo during anal is a hard no. HARD NO. There are other playful things I would definitely do with joy, but some playing just does not work for me, and that's one of them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I dont think you can compare this to eating at a restaurant really. Its not just about not trying something new, its about her knowing that its not for her and already knowing that its painful and makes her sore.


Here is what I think you guys miss. All he did was ask. Now in some marriages with some spouses where there is not a lot of trust OK that may be a problem. But in others ones that are very strong and healthy it's can be just like a wanting to go to a restaurant.

I think what happens is there is a feeling of pressure that some project (and granted some times there is pressure), or a feeling that you are letting your spouse down if you say no so this can make people bristle at the question.

It really can be as simple as, do you want to try this? No.

I am not going to assess context to the original post because OP's tone makes it hard to, but they have been married for years and have lots of kids so I suspect they have had a lot of sex. Maybe OP's husband thought it was OK to just ask. He may be fine with no but she doesn't want to have to say no to him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Terrible argument.
> 
> None of it was "designed" to do anything. That the mouth can be co-opted to put on a penis hardly constitutes its original function.


Sure. The mouth can contort, manipulate, caress, kiss etc. The ahole can ****.

Argue all you want.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Sure. The mouth can contort, manipulate, caress, kiss etc. The ahole can ****.
> 
> Argue all you want.


Why thanks, I will. 

That the mouth can do all of those things is irrelevant. The hands can choke the life out of another person too, but they were no more "designed" to do that than the mouth was designed to give a blowjob. Mother nature may find all kinds of secondary uses for things that evolved to principally perform another task. 

Which, for some people, is a perfectly reasonable use of the anus.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s not a big deal. She just needs to get more comfortable talking about sex with her husband. And the only way to do that, is to do it. She needs to tell him her thoughts, fears, wishes, etc. if she has hard limits all she has to do is tell him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tell him porn stars are paid for a reason. He got all this from watching porn and he can't expect you to suddenly work like a prostitute doing things that aren't fun or comfortable.


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

I doubt it's an invitation to bring another man into the bedroom. Some people just like to spice up their sex lives every now and then and while the thought maybe terrifying to you, it might just be enjoyable in the end. Just sayin'.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

kcl08 said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> Please bear with me.... I've never talked about sex with anyone. Even typing that sentence out is giving me anxiety. Other people here seem to be more open but I was taught that sex is a private matter. Talking about myself is bad enough. Saying anything about my husband's desires feels like a tremendous betrayal. I'm probably the worst wife on the planet right now. I'm trying to avoid being that and here I am being one.... I read the rules but I'm not sure if topics about desires are even allowed?
> 
> ...


First off, take a deep breath and relax. It's alright to be nervous and embarrassed, especially in US culture, when dealing with sex. My first questions is why are you? Is it religious? is it more on your part or just deep conditioning by parents? On the plus side, here you have anonymity. Talk about it all you want, we aren't going to know you are, and could run into you on the street and never know we had given you advice. So relax, and let us help. Just realize, as you probably have by now, that it will be all over the place. Take it all in and choose the advice that applies best to you. Don't let anyone else tell you what a marriage is, or isn't, or what vows you've taken, or what your husband is thinking. Well they can tell you, but you get to decide if it doesn't apply to you.

You know this may be the first time in 24 years that he finally has the courage to ask you for things. As such, he may have, as others have suggested, gone overboard. Take all his suggestions with a grain of salt, and as others said go slow. Ask him to slow down and discuss not only the what, but the *why*. What are his motivations, by his words, no one else's, in wanting these things? And not just to spice things up. He asked for very specific things. Why?

You are making a extremely wild leap at the idea of anyone else, yet alone another man, in the bedroom. That is probably the one thing most of us are agreeing on.

As for anal sex. First for the moment, disregard anything the naysayers have said so far. If it happened accidentally, of course it is going to hurt. For most people, when it is done right, it is highly pleasurable. Will it be for you? Who knows? You won't know if you don't try it correctly. And no that is not an admonishment of don't knock it before you try it. It is a simple observation that doing it wrong cannot tell you what it is like if done rights. I can point you to sources to help do it correctly. Now bring back in all the naysayers and weigh your options and opinions and make your decision from there.

I think the big thing here is that he wants to try new things and to try them with you. He's not looking to go outside the marriage, and I doubt that this is a sign that he will if he can't get them from you. I can provide you with a checklist type form that you two could explore various "kink" activities with (some would be automatically out as a monogamous couple but it is designed to be all inclusive). Just IM me if you want it. Also consider looking up some of these various activities to learn how to do them safely. There are plenty of educational sites and videos that will teach these things without going all pornographic.

As many have said, don't do it if you don't really want to do it, but make sure you take stock of how you really feel and why you feel that way. Determine if the repulsion, or what ever it is, comes from you and what you decided about you, or is it imposed upon you from the outside, or even just a knee jerk reaction with no real cause.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.


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## kcl08 (Oct 18, 2020)

I want to clear something up.... My husband brought these desires up while we were laying in bed having pillow talk. We were talking and he nervously asked if we could try sex toys. Then he clarified. The desires he told me could be his end goal and not what he wants to try tomorrow. I don't know because I didn't stop to think and talk about it. My husband and I have also only been with each other. So if he does want to jump right into those things it could be from inexperience and not knowing better. He's not a bad guy. He did ask what I want to try but there isn't anything.

I struggle with speaking up. That's on me. The pain was excruciating when we had accidental anal sex but my husband really enjoyed the feeling so I didn't say anything or stop him. I clenched my teeth and fists and told him I was fine because he was enjoying it. He felt horrible when I told him how much it hurt. The next time it happened he asked several times if it was ok before he continued. I said yes. There was no prep. He just went in. He says it won't hurt if we do it right...

To answer the questions:

*"I suspect that he watches porn, does he?"*

My husband doesn't watch porn. He did have a short stint in the past of using porn/magazines but that was before we married and he agreed that it was wrong and to stop. 

*"What exactly is it about these requests your husband is making that cause you so much distress?"*

I've known my husband my whole life. We went to the same Sunday school, youth group, preschool, elementary school, and on. I feel like he suddenly changed out of nowhere. I thought we were on the same page with everything and I thought we were lucky. I don't know if he changed the way he views me and that scares me. My husband's sex drive is a bit low and now I'm wondering if it's because I haven't been satisfying him. 

*"Do you have a rigid definition of sex that only includes very basic vanilla activity, or do you specifically dislike what's he is requesting?"*

I was taught that sex is an expression of love between two spouses. Used for bonding and for procreation. I was told that certain positions and acts are degrading, sex toys are bad, and certain acts are wrong and gross. I know not everyone has those opinions but I have a hard time seeing things differently. 

*"Are you open to any changes at all, which are almost certain to happen in any sufficiently long term relationship?"*

I am open to changes. I don't want to say "nope, I like things the way they are, sorry". I want us to both be happy. The thought that he isn't happy or I'm not doing enough hurts. 

*"Is your husband a selfish lover who only cares about his desires, or does he work hard to please you as well?"*

My husband isn't a selfish man. He wants me to get more enjoyment out of sex and that looks different to him than it does to me. I enjoy being with him, being close to him, and feeling his warmth. My husband wants me to enjoy the sensations more and orgasm. 

*"What bad things do you think might happen?"*

I'm scared that we will have a big incompatibility. I'm scared that he has been lying about what he wants sexually. I'm scared that he will prefer the new sex and won't enjoy what I do. I'm scared that he stopped seeing me in a loving way. I was told that if a man wants anal sex it means he doesn't respect you. I'm scared that he will like it but I won't be able to get into it. We have always agreed that sex needs to be open to procreation. So what does it mean if he wants anal sex? What if he wants more and more and we lose what sex should be? What if he gets bored of me? What if I'm not enough anymore? What if I never have been? Changing our sex life is a big, unfamiliar thing and it's not what we agreed on. We were always on the same page and now we're not. 

*"Do you feel comfortable giving him head?"*

I don't love giving oral sex but I can do it. It took me a long time to be able to be comfortable with it. My husband said it would be a turn on for him if I use sex toys while giving him oral sex. He also wants me to enjoy oral sex more. 

*"Do you feel comfortable with a dildo?"*

I don't. I've only had my husband inside of me and I don't want anything else in there. I don't have much feeling internally and I hate fingers being used. I can't feel my husband's penis at all in some positions so I can't see how a dildo would give me pleasure. 

*"What about one that doesn’t go in you?"*

What does one do with a dildo that doesn't go inside them? I'm confused by that. 

*"Are you ok with experimenting with anal play or is that completely off the table?"*

I would only try anal play because my husband likes and wants it. I want to make him happy but I struggle a lot with the idea of anal sex. 

*"Does he want anal play done TO him?"*

My poor wording made it seem that way but that's not what he asked for. I think he is interested in it. He has gently pushed my head or hands lower than normal during oral sex but it is very infrequent. I resist and he stops.


Thank you for the responses. I'm still processing them and trying to sort out my thoughts. Some of the perspectives were helpful to read but also left me more confused. It takes me a while to read and respond because I don't have a lot of free time or spare energy.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I can verify through first hand experience that anal sex, if done properly, is just as good as vaginal and can produce multiple orgasms. I am female. I know....it doesn’t seem like that can be possible because well, it’s the butt but I guarantee it is. I was thoroughly confused and couldn’t wrap my mind around it after BF first introduced me to it but there it is. Really opened my eyes to how thoroughly I had cemented my assumptions in regards to it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kcl08 said:


> I want to clear something up.... My husband brought these desires up while we were laying in bed having pillow talk. We were talking and he nervously asked if we could try sex toys. Then he clarified. The desires he told me could be his end goal and not what he wants to try tomorrow. I don't know because I didn't stop to think and talk about it. My husband and I have also only been with each other. So if he does want to jump right into those things it could be from inexperience and not knowing better. He's not a bad guy. He did ask what I want to try but there isn't anything.
> 
> I struggle with speaking up. That's on me. The pain was excruciating when we had accidental anal sex but my husband really enjoyed the feeling so I didn't say anything or stop him. I clenched my teeth and fists and told him I was fine because he was enjoying it. He felt horrible when I told him how much it hurt. The next time it happened he asked several times if it was ok before he continued. I said yes. There was no prep. He just went in. He says it won't hurt if we do it right...
> 
> ...


I think maybe you are over thinking it a little, and that is causing you to panic.

Do you believe your husband loves you?

I am going to assume the answer is yes, so why do you think he is just going to be like, well she is not into that so I am out. See ya!

Nothing in your posts have said he is that kind of man. Actually your talk is a great thing, the thing is, you have a say in this too. It's both your sex life.

Read Song of Solomon. Part of why God made sex is for both your pleasure, it's what I said in my post about intimacy and bonding.

You seem like a great wife, I mean not many would be willing to experience pain for their husbands pleasure. He knows this so talk to him about all this. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He is excited to try new things with you because he likes being with you, you turn him on. After 8 kids or whatever that is a great thing!

If you re-frame this and don't look at this like a demand or something you have to live up to but a journey of discovery for both of you it can add some real closeness and fun to your relationship. But do that. When you talk to him if you are willing tell him you are willing to try new things but baby steps, and if you don't like it tell him and don't do what you don't feel comfortable with.

Now the next thing I am going to ask is personal and I am sorry if this upsets you. But having met girls who grew up from a very religious background there seems to be a pattern. I may be wrong but have you ever had an orgasm, from your post it doesn't sound like it.

Now here is the other thing. You are responsible for your orgasm to a point.

(Not judging you or putting you down). What I am saying is you need to get used to and learn your body, you should want more for both of you. He probably wants you to orgasm too. I wonder if you have been taught that there was something sinful when a women is being sexual and having sexual desires. This is a common trope in the church. That is just plain wrong. Sexual desires for your husband is exactly what God intended.

I also have to say no guy wants to hear, (it was nice) when talking about sex. Or, I enjoy the closeness. They want - oh I'm dizzy, the room is spinning. Now maybe he is a dud, but it's also possible you have been taught a doctrine that made you avoid getting to know yourself. That this is something shameful to do. The thing is if you don't know yourself how an he know you. This is what I mean about taking ownership if you decide that your pleasure is important. It's just as important that sex is pleasurable to you as it is to him. If you learn yourself then you can help him discover what pushes your buttons. But you have to want it, and it will really improve your sex life.

You guys should read about this stuff, for instance anal sex is not something you just jump into you have to train your body for it. This isn't something that can happen over night. So if you want to try that read about how to do it so eventually it's not so painful. There are different positions you can try to help increase your pleasure when having normal sex. Different techniques he an learn and use. Some female posters on this board are excellent in explaining this. Lots of us men have learned a thing or two from them. Ask them.

Look maybe I am going too far, once again I am not putting you down, but I came from a puritan church, and it did me no favors when it came to sex, and I know it was much worse for the women. God made sex, he made it to be fun. He made women to be sexual and desirable in the context of marriage. He made men burn for this. He made women love the fact that men burn for this. He made it for BOTH YOUR PLEASURE. YES YOURS!

This a journey, of fun and discovery for both of you. That means you get to have wants and desires too.

Above all you need to find the courage to talk to him. You need to talk to him like you have here. You need to tell him your fears but also don't assume his desire for you has any malice attached to it.

Your husband wants and desires you, he wants to know this side of you. That is what God intended, and it's a very good things. Give him the honor of trusting him and be totally honest about this. (Just go easy, if he is not good break it to him kindly) Men's egos in this area can be fragile.

You won't be a disappointment to him, and if you guys try to learn and practice it can only get better. Like learning how to dance.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please dont worry if there are things that you just wont or cant do. Maybe because they are very painful or maybe because you just know deep inside that they are wrong for you. 
I am sure that nearly everyone here has a few things that they would say no to. For me it would be things like using violence, a partner wanting to half choke or strangle me, using porn and other things. I wouldnt have anal sex, thankfully my husband and I are on the same page there.
So saying no to him if something is very painful isnt wrong at all, and even if he likes it, if it really hurts you and you hate it then say no. Would you expect him to do something that he hated and that was painful for him? I doubt it, so why do you think you should go through something incredibly painful then? How can it be an expression of love(which it should be, I agree with you on that) if its very painful and horrible for one of you? Everything you do should be for both your benefits or you will start to dread having sex and that would be so sad.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I sincerely doubt he came up with all this without watching porn or getting these ideas somewhere.

Good that he doesn't sound pushy about it though.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

What did you say to your husband when he told you about his desires and fantasies? Did you stay quiet and didn't say anything? 

I see a big problem in your relationship that has nothing to do with sex. When you tried anal by "accident" you didn't say anything and made him believe you were enjoying it. You were not honest with yourself or your husband. Your relationship is not going to be in danger because you don't want anal sex, your relationship is in danger because you are afraid of telling your husband how you really feel.

You might think couples who experiment outside the box are wrong, but those couples experiment because they talk, they are honest, they trust and love each other. 

If your husband is as nice as you describe him, I don't think he's going to stop loving you because you are not into dildos! I mean, I'm afraid of dildos! And I'm open to try new things. 

I think you need to work on your insecurities. Your husband's fantasies are not unusual. That doesn't mean every fantasy has to come true. And no, your husband is not going to turn gay! Smh...

Work on your confidence when you talk about sex. It's ok to talk freely about sex. Express your wishes and fears to your husband. Be honest. Don't be afraid of saying no when you are not comfortable. 

If YOU want to, you can experiment little by little and see how it goes. Don't start with a dildo. Try other toys first. Go online and research about them. 

Good luck!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's definitely watching porn. There's no way in the world he would know about a butt plug otherwise unless he's engaging in gay activities with other men or using a prostitute.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> What did you say to your husband when he told you about his desires and fantasies? Did you stay quiet and didn't say anything?
> 
> I see a big problem in your relationship that has nothing to do with sex. When you tried anal by "accident" you didn't say anything and made him believe you were enjoying it. You were not honest with yourself or your husband. Your relationship is not going to be in danger because you don't want anal sex, your relationship is in danger because you are afraid of telling your husband how you really feel.
> 
> ...


I cant agree that not wanting certain painful things done to you is to do with insecurities. I agree though that its good to be open and honest with each other. I just cant imagine doing something that was incredibly painful and not telling my husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's definitely watching porn. There's no way in the world he would know about a butt plug otherwise unless he's engaging in gay activities with other men or using a prostitute.


Or he is having very interesting conversations with someone IRL or maybe on a forum like this one.

I've learned a lot being here for a few years.

No way he just started imagining these activities without some input.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's definitely watching porn. There's no way in the world he would know about a butt plug otherwise unless he's engaging in gay activities with other men or using a prostitute.


Absolutely, its not something that just pops into your mind after 17 years together unless you have seen it used. Its come from somewhere. Sadly I think its porn.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Or he is having very interesting conversations with someone IRL or maybe on a forum like this one.
> 
> I've learned a lot being here for a few years.
> 
> No way he just started imagining these activities without some input.


I agree. It doesn't have to be porn, its the internet I suspect you type "spice up your sex-life" and there will be any number of suggestions. From there it's not hard to let your mind wonder.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Absolutely, its not something that just pops into your mind after 17 years together unless you have seen it used. Its come from somewhere. Sadly I think its porn.


Great. So have we shamed the husband enough yet for having the temerity to talk to his wife in a non-threatening manner about his sexual desires? Or shall we continue? 

Here we have a marriage where one of the members is doing exactly what every single person who comes to this forum for help generally gets told - communicate your needs with your partner and come to a reasonable compromise. And the guy is getting dragged out on the carpet.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion there are two different things you should try to appreciate and that is 1) talking about things with your husband and 2) actually doing said things with your husband. 

The first should not have any barriers or anxiety. You should feel comfortable talking about anything with your husband. If the idea of something makes you uncomfortable, then talk about exactly that and try to communicate why so that you both know each other. If you husband thinks he would enjoy something, make it a point to ask him why an idea seems exciting and see what he has to say. At the end of the day talking about things can be just as exciting or more exciting than actually doing something. Sometimes an idea of something erotic is all about the curiosity and in reality it is not all the great, which is why just talking about things can be where all the fun is (as long as it does not give you anxiety). 

Now on to the second issues of actually trying things. In my opinion your husband is wants to try these things to see if it pleases you. So if you don't think you will enjoy something, then you should only do it if A) he enjoys it and B) makes no difference to you either way. 

There are certain things I enjoy doing differently from time to time. When I first mentioned the idea, my wife was a bit confused and then we had a long conversation about it. Once she understood why I would enjoy doing something a little different she confessed that for her it made no difference in her ability to enjoy us being together. There are things I like to do that make a big difference in her experience, and it took me a long time to appreciate that she only wants to enjoy that on a rare occasion and she will ask for it. This allows me to know what to enjoy with her however I want and what things she needs to be in the mood to do. It tends to work out great this way. 

Also from reading you post, I think you need to talk to your husband and determine if he is talking more about a dildo or a vibrator. In my opinion you should start with something like a small vibrator as I think he wants you to have a little something extra to enjoy and share that with you. A small vibrator will likely provide this much more easily than a dildo. From what I have read most women like to try out toys on their own first to understand how they will respond to it before bringing it into the bedroom to use as a couple. I think you can easily set this as a rule, that you will only use something together if you have first had a chance to see if it is something you might enjoy on your own. 

At the end of the day most sex toys and novelties are junk and just end up in the trash. On a rare occasion you might find a really good one that will break repeatedly and need to be replaced, but those are a rare and unexpected find when it happens. For most it is something in the vibrating category that is small/discrete/quiet/powerful/simple.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cletus said:


> Great. So have we shamed the husband enough yet for having the temerity to talk to his wife in a non-threatening manner about his sexual desires? Or shall we continue?
> 
> Here we have a marriage where one of the members is doing exactly what every single person who comes to this forum for help generally gets told - communicate your needs with your partner and come to a reasonable compromise. And the guy is getting dragged out on the carpet.


I havent shamed him at all, but like others here wondering about where he would suddenly get this from after 17 years together. Maybe he could be honest about that first?.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I havent shamed him at all, but like others here wondering about where he would suddenly get this from after 17 years together. Maybe he could be honest about that first?.


And maybe it's a complete red herring.

From a porn video, from a friend, from reading this site or a "50 shades" novel. It is completely and utterly irrelevant to the topic at hand. It is an attempt here to delegitimize his desires based on their source.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cletus said:


> And maybe it's a complete red herring.
> 
> From a porn video, from a friend, from reading this site or a "50 shades" novel. It is completely and utterly irrelevant to the topic at hand. It is an attempt here to delegitimize his desires based on their source.


 Its pretty important if he isn't sharing these things with his wife no matter where he got them from.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Absolutely, its not something that just pops into your mind after 17 years together unless you have seen it used. Its come from somewhere. Sadly I think its porn.


Have you searched Amazon for a pair of handcuffs lately?

It's all brought up together in the also viewed.

From one innocent search 😎 to a wild variety of toys.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Absolutely, its not something that just pops into your mind after 17 years together unless you have seen it used. Its come from somewhere. Sadly I think its porn.





kcl08 said:


> *"I suspect that he watches porn, does he?"*
> 
> My husband doesn't watch porn. He did have a short stint in the past of using porn/magazines but that was before we married and he agreed that it was wrong and to stop.


Now extend to the OP the same courtesy we extend to you when you claim your husband doesn't watch porn.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

kcl08 said:


> I want to clear something up.... My husband brought these desires up while we were laying in bed having pillow talk. We were talking and he nervously asked if we could try sex toys. Then he clarified. The desires he told me could be his end goal and not what he wants to try tomorrow. I don't know because I didn't stop to think and talk about it. My husband and I have also only been with each other. So if he does want to jump right into those things it could be from inexperience and not knowing better. He's not a bad guy. He did ask what I want to try but there isn't anything.


This sounds like a normal exchange between married adults. 



> I struggle with speaking up. That's on me. The pain was excruciating when we had accidental anal sex but my husband really enjoyed the feeling so I didn't say anything or stop him. I clenched my teeth and fists and told him I was fine because he was enjoying it. He felt horrible when I told him how much it hurt. The next time it happened he asked several times if it was ok before he continued. I said yes. There was no prep. He just went in. He says it won't hurt if we do it right...


This does not. If you are going to go down the road of expanding your sexuality, you will definitely have to improve your ability to say "no". It is more important even than saying "yes".



> To answer the questions:
> 
> *"What exactly is it about these requests your husband is making that cause you so much distress?"*
> 
> I've known my husband my whole life. We went to the same Sunday school, youth group, preschool, elementary school, and on. I feel like he suddenly changed out of nowhere. I thought we were on the same page with everything and I thought we were lucky. I don't know if he changed the way he views me and that scares me. My husband's sex drive is a bit low and now I'm wondering if it's because I haven't been satisfying him.


He may not have changed at all, but was too scared or too timid to bring up the subject. Or he was just young enough to accept what he had as all that was possible. Now perhaps he is discovering that it just isn't enough to keep his interest up. This is not just me being hypothetical - this has happened to me in my marriage. What was barely good enough in the past to keep some small desire alive becomes too little later in life when everyone's sexual interest starts to lag a bit. 



> *"Do you have a rigid definition of sex that only includes very basic vanilla activity, or do you specifically dislike what's he is requesting?"*
> 
> I was taught that sex is an expression of love between two spouses. Used for bonding and for procreation. I was told that certain positions and acts are degrading, sex toys are bad, and certain acts are wrong and gross. I know not everyone has those opinions but I have a hard time seeing things differently.


Do you believe what you were taught? Is your husband now "wrong and gross" for suggesting things that you were taught as unwholesome? That will kill desire as surely as anything. Is this something you would like to grow in, or are you looking for validation that it's disgusting and abnormal?



> *"Are you open to any changes at all, which are almost certain to happen in any sufficiently long term relationship?"*
> 
> I am open to changes. I don't want to say "nope, I like things the way they are, sorry". I want us to both be happy. The thought that he isn't happy or I'm not doing enough hurts.


Yes, I understand. No fun hearing "I'm not enough". But if it is true, then you have been given the gift of an opportunity to accept it or change it. You don't have to go along with his desires, but at least he has given you the chance to make that decision. I think he just got to the point where suffering in silence was no longer possible.



> *"Is your husband a selfish lover who only cares about his desires, or does he work hard to please you as well?"*
> 
> My husband isn't a selfish man. He wants me to get more enjoyment out of sex and that looks different to him than it does to me. I enjoy being with him, being close to him, and feeling his warmth. My husband wants me to enjoy the sensations more and orgasm.


That's good. It is even better if this is possible. 



> *"What bad things do you think might happen?"*
> 
> I'm scared that we will have a big incompatibility.


To be blunt, it sounds you already have that. You're still new to the idea, so it's too early to ask "what are you going to do about it".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Have you searched Amazon for a pair of handcuffs lately?
> 
> It's all brought up together in the also viewed.
> 
> From one innocent search 😎 to a wild variety of toys.


No, not my thing handcuffs. I highly doubt he got his fantasies from amazon though.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I cant agree that not wanting certain painful things done to you is to do with insecurities. I agree though that its good to be open and honest with each other. I just cant imagine doing something that was incredibly painful and not telling my husband.


I didn't say not "wanting" painful things done to her was because of insecurities.

I would NEVER advise someone to enjoy pain. WTH?

I said she's insecure to let her husband knows how she really feels.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

kcl08 said:


> The desires he told me could be his end goal and not what he wants to try tomorrow. I don't know because I didn't stop to think and talk about it. My husband and I have also only been with each other. So if he does want to jump right into those things it could be from inexperience and not knowing better. He's not a bad guy. He did ask what I want to try but there isn't anything.


I'm going to chalk up a lot to...let's call it ignorance or lack of knowledge as opposed to inexperience. It is very good that he is also seeking what you might like, as that shows he is not trying to look only after himself.



> I struggle with speaking up. That's on me. The pain was excruciating when we had accidental anal sex but my husband really enjoyed the feeling so I didn't say anything or stop him. I clenched my teeth and fists and told him I was fine because he was enjoying it. He felt horrible when I told him how much it hurt. The next time it happened he asked several times if it was ok before he continued. I said yes. There was no prep. He just went in. He says it won't hurt if we do it right...


You did your husband a disservice by not speaking up. He trusts you to honestly tell him when things are not going right. Now as to the act itself, the no prep thing is a problem. Even accidentally, he should not continue. Anal should only be done with prep, lube being the most important part.



> I've known my husband my whole life. We went to the same Sunday school, youth group, preschool, elementary school, and on. I feel like he suddenly changed out of nowhere. I thought we were on the same page with everything and I thought we were lucky. I don't know if he changed the way he views me and that scares me. My husband's sex drive is a bit low and now I'm wondering if it's because I haven't been satisfying him.


You need to ask him that question. He needs to be as honest with you and you should be with him. I doubt that he has changed how he views _you_. What sexual activities he thinks he might enjoy or that you might enjoy has no bearing upon _you_. Odds are that his view of you will not change regardless of whether you do these things with him or not.



> I was taught that sex is an expression of love between two spouses. Used for bonding and for procreation. I was told that certain positions and acts are degrading, sex toys are bad, and certain acts are wrong and gross. I know not everyone has those opinions but I have a hard time seeing things differently.


It is good that you recognize these as opinions, and not absolutes. What you need to do is look within yourself and determine if these are your opinions because someone else has pounded them into you, or because you came to that conclusion by your own means.



> I am open to changes. I don't want to say "nope, I like things the way they are, sorry". I want us to both be happy. The thought that he isn't happy or I'm not doing enough hurts.


Being happy with the current situation doesn't mean that you don't seek and reach for more. You can be happy with your current income, but it doesn't mean that you won't try for a larger income. The same applies for pretty much anything. The desire to try something new and different has nothing to do with current happiness.



> I'm scared that we will have a big incompatibility. I'm scared that he has been lying about what he wants sexually. I'm scared that he will prefer the new sex and won't enjoy what I do. I'm scared that he stopped seeing me in a loving way.


These are valid fears. Valid fears can be unfounded, but they are still valid. Make sure you are addressing these fears to your husband. That is part of the open communication that you should be able to have with him.



> I was told that if a man wants anal sex it means he doesn't respect you.


This is not true. The type of sex desired is not linked with whether he respects you or not. The type of respect that you should want would be based upon you yourself, not what you would do.



> I'm scared that he will like it but I won't be able to get into it.


Another valid fear. The question you need to ask yourself after this is whether or not (assuming proper prep and no pain) you are willing to do it on occasion for him. There are things my wives like that do nothing for me, but I engage in it with them, because they do enjoy it. It's not wrong to do that. Your enjoyment comes not from your personal experience but from his enjoyment. He should be willing to do the same for you. For example, if you found that having PIV sex doggy style gave you greater pleasure, but it did nothing for him, he should still be willing to engage in that position for your sake, unless it was painful for him. Likewise, if you find that with proper prep anal doesn't hurt, and it is not otherwise bothering you, you should be willing to do it occasionally simply for his pleasure. If you do find it hurts even with proper prep and taking it slow, then he needs to respect that it is simply something that your body cannot handle.



> We have always agreed that sex needs to be open to procreation. So what does it mean if he wants anal sex?


It means nothing. Being open to procreation means that you allow for the possibility that pregnancy can happen, not that every act be a means unto that goal. You have admitted to oral sex. As far as the possibility of procreation goes, how is that any different than anal sex?



> What if he wants more and more and we lose what sex should be? What if he gets bored of me? What if I'm not enough anymore? What if I never have been? Changing our sex life is a big, unfamiliar thing and it's not what we agreed on. We were always on the same page and now we're not.


If those things happen, then he is no longer the man you married. It can happen. But I don't think that is the case here. At worse, he finally has the courage to admit to things he wants. That failure to voice them before would be his, not yours. More likely, he has discovered new ideas (not necessarily from porn), and thinks that they could make things better. Remember that no matter how good things get, you can always make them better. If you agreed to never change things, that was a huge mistake. Things change as a matter of natural development. You should always be open to the possibility of change, including in what you want and in what you are willing to do. The idea that something will always be the same is naïve. Not that it can't happen, but rarely does. However, sometimes the changes are so gradual, that we might not notice.



> I don't love giving oral sex but I can do it. It took me a long time to be able to be comfortable with it. My husband said it would be a turn on for him if I use sex toys while giving him oral sex. He also wants me to enjoy oral sex more.


This would have to go with the idea that you are enjoying his pleasure, rather than receiving any direct pleasure yourself. Are you going through the motions in such a way that he sees that you are reluctant to engage in the act?



> I don't. I've only had my husband inside of me and I don't want anything else in there. I don't have much feeling internally and I hate fingers being used. I can't feel my husband's penis at all in some positions so I can't see how a dildo would give me pleasure.


Have you brought this up with your doctor or OB/GYN? This is not normal, and could be the indication of something else wrong. Yes it does occur with some women, but not most as I understand it.



> What does one do with a dildo that doesn't go inside them? I'm confused by that.


They are probably thinking more vibrator, as the words do sometimes get used interchangeably. The use would be on the clitoris directly, as opposed to indirectly via vaginal walls.



> My poor wording made it seem that way but that's not what he asked for. I think he is interested in it. He has gently pushed my head or hands lower than normal during oral sex but it is very infrequent. I resist and he stops.


You should at least consider it. However, proper preparation is still a must. The prostate can be accessed via anal on men, and can be quite pleasurable for them. Gloves, lube and him making sure he is clean is good prep. You might have to plan for it for the first few times. Again, if you have further questions, I am open to PM's and can point you in the right direction.



> Thank you for the responses. I'm still processing them and trying to sort out my thoughts. Some of the perspectives were helpful to read but also left me more confused. It takes me a while to read and respond because I don't have a lot of free time or spare energy.


Take your time. This response at least shows that you are actually reading the responses, unlike some others, who never replay back so we don't know if they even read the thread afterwards. This is your life and that of your husbands. You react on your time, not ours.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Therapy, a sex therapist. 
You aren't achieving orgasm, you don't have sensation in your vagina. Those are the things your loving husband is interested in. Neither you or he have the tools to move beyond where you are.
Also with your agreement to sex open to procreation perhaps it is better if you have much less sex until you can keep up with your progeny.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I havent shamed him at all, but like others here wondering about where he would suddenly get this from after 17 years together. Maybe he could be honest about that first?.


Maybe he looked at porn years ago before they were married. Most people have seen porn in their life. It's wrong to just assume he is doing something wrong just because you find his desires distasteful.

So far this man has done nothing wrong. He communicated a sexual desire to his wife in the context where that is what they were discussing. That is what you are supposed to do.

His fantasies might not be everyone's cup of tea but there is nothing wrong with them and he is not a bad person for having them or communicating them to his wife.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, I'm going to wave the bull **** flag on 'accidental' anal intercourse.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, I'm going to wave the bull **** flag on 'accidental' anal intercourse.


Nice, um, imagery there.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I don't have any good answers here but I think your extreme anxiety over even typing this out means that you are not ready or able at this point to productively "negotiate" what happens or doesn't happen in your bedroom. This isn't a criticism. For a long time i had serious hangups about sex and still do (almost everyone has some). By hangups i'm not referring to things that you don't want to do but rather I'm referring to discomfort and inability to rationally think about and discuss what you want, don't want, and what you will and will not do.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

@KC108

My husband isn't a selfish man. He wants me to get more enjoyment out of sex and that looks different to him than it does to me. I enjoy being with him, being close to him, and feeling his warmth. My husband wants me to enjoy the sensations more and orgasm.

This was my reasoning for toys. Wife had some of same fears as you about her not being enough. But this right here i it. To take her to next level of ecstasy, to her point of mind blown. It was about what more i could do for her....i enjoyed seeing the pleasure it gives her.

You could start with small vibe he could use while giving oral sex for increased stimulation. Dont have to use every time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too don't think he's looking to bring anyone else into your sex life OP, I think you can forget about that 

I do think it's sweet, and says a lot for your marriage, that he feels close enough to you to be able to open up so willingly with you. I know you don't feel comfortable about what he's suggested, but do you see how wonderful it is that he is able to be so vulnerable with you? That he trusts you that much and feels safe with you?

There's always room for compromise - I know you want to keep him happy but that goes both ways. I'm another hell no to anal sex. Never. Gonna. Happen. Not a chance. I made that very clear to my husband when we were dating, and told him "So don't ever ask me" lol. There is nothing wrong with your husband wanting to try it though - it doesn't mean he's gay, it means he wants to try something different, and that's ok. Doesn't mean you have to do it, but it's ok that he suggested it.

How about you talk to him some more about this, tell him you're willing to try some new things, but that you need him to go slowly, at your pace. Start off with a vibrator, the two of you could pick one out together, start there and don't try anything else until you're comfortable with it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

kcl08 said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> 
> Full disclosure, we have had anal sex before.... but only accidentally. Each time hurt and the pain lasted for several days. I'm scared to try again. My husband says anal sex only hurt because we did it wrong. After all, it was an accident. I'm still scared though and I struggle with the ick factor.


I suspect that the anal sex was not accidental on his part, because if it was he would have stopped before his penis was all the way in when you told him where he was.

He has sneakily tried it several times, since you said "Each time it hurt."

He is most definitly getting his ideas somewhere. He lied to you about his "accidents" and he is also lying about watching porn.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Adelais said:


> I suspect that the anal sex was not accidental on his part, because if it was he would have stopped before his penis was all the way in when you told him where he was.
> 
> He has sneakily tried it several times, since you said "Each time it hurt."
> 
> He is most definitly getting his ideas somewhere. He lied to you about his "accidents" and he is also lying about watching porn.


I definitely agree about the part of him getting his ideas from somewhere. Porn has now become ubiquitous in everyday life with mobile technology. 

Buy him a bluetooth speaker as a gift for listening to music in the bedroom. Make sure it automatically pairs with his phone. Since he is most likely to forget about this, you will eventually hear the sounds of porn in the bedroom while your husband will be nowhere to be seen. You will go around looking and finally you will discover him out in the garage at 4am, all out of breath trying and with his face all red trying very awkwardly to "change the oil in the garage door opener" because he couldn't sleep and needed something to do.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

badsanta said:


> I definitely agree about the part of him getting his ideas from somewhere. Porn has now become ubiquitous in everyday life with mobile technology.
> 
> Buy him a bluetooth speaker as a gift for listening to music in the bedroom. Make sure it automatically pairs with his phone. Since he is most likely to forget about this, you will eventually hear the sounds of porn in the bedroom while your husband will be nowhere to be seen. You will go around looking and finally you will discover him out in the garage at 4am, all out of breath trying and with his face all red trying very awkwardly to "change the oil in the garage door opener" because he couldn't sleep and needed something to do.



You're an evil, evil man. 😎😎👍

After this happens, new updates soon.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yep, after 8 kids he knows very well where the front door is.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I can say there has never been an accidental anal round. That was hard to believe. 

There have been a few hey watch it remarks if I wasn't paying attention to things, but there was never any doubt from the words that whoops was in order.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Instead of appreciating your trust and guarding your naïveté he is taking advantage of your trust and abusing your naïveté.

Sadly, for you, it is time to get wise to him.


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