# Back and Twice as Good



## Tori2 (Dec 10, 2020)

I'm pretty sure it's been years since I was banned for God knows what, but most likely deserved. I came to TAM because I was struggling with trust within my relationship, did a Google search, and voila, began interacting. Every now and then I would return (banned so could not post or be bothered with circumventing this) and read. Mostly at times I questioned my relationship or self and wanted to rehash where I put my heart on the line at TAM. Time after time, reading posts that I hadn't deleted or were quoted so remained undeleted, I'd shake my head and move on. 

This time I was prompted to this spot in the web-o-sphere because a Facebook friend reached out and we couldn't figure out where we met. She lives in Canada and I live in New Jersey, I've only ever interacted on two message boards so figured this must be it, it wasn't. Yet, my search led me to posts in The Men's Clubhouse. It left me with feelings and I wanted to share. After all, I do know how a woman's feelings will be appreciated in the Men's Club House _wink_.

When I joined TAM I was younger. I think I was married for 18 or 19 years at the time, perhaps less, now for twenty-five. I can't believe at least six years has gone by. I went from late 30s to past mid-40s, WTF?! 

No advice provided on TAM enhanced, or deducted from, my marriage. I am still a feminist that does not believe that manning up is the answer, but I think I have advice for men that is worth reading none the less. I am convinced enough, so, that I'll drop it here. At the time, when I was interacting on TAM, albeit just as verbose, I don't think I was able to articulate my thoughts as well.

With that long introduction, here is my advice. Do take, discard, or ban at will.

1. Man Up is another term for "Find Yourself" (picture air quotes). You may love a specific woman or want a specific woman, or type of woman. You will never find her, or keep her, if you don't find yourself. Do the work, explore hobbies, past hurts, present obstacles. When you are done, you will attract a woman that you can love and she may be all you imagined, more, or even less (no worries, it won't matter).

2. Women do not want to be spanked or controlled by default. Some do, some don't, some prefer it only on Tuesdays and Sundays. You have to know yourself and then dare to actually get to know her. If you do these two things, you have a chance (yes, just a chance) at happiness in love.

3. Women do not want to play games that are not an evolution from a place of love for her. I love playing games. My husband and I are SO GOOD at playing games. It was a huge problem for me on TAM because I felt conflicted - do I secretly want to play games? Is it in my nature? Poop on that. Some women love games, some hate games, some want to play games on Monday and Friday. The caveat here is that the games will not enhance or build on love with a woman if they are not based upon love for, and with, that woman. Think on this one because it is very important.

4. There is a such thing as happily ever for now and hopefully after. Yet, there is no one way of getting there. The one thing my husband does for me is accept me as I am as I do him. This realization happened magically about five years ago when I was ready to leave. At that point, my husband cried and then began listening to me. Then I started hearing him. I'm the stubborn sort, for some you may have to be the first to give in. If my husband came to TAM for advice, I'm pretty sure he'd have chucked me, but he and I are both persistent. If he hadn't of been vulnerable, I'd never have been able to understand he was vulnerable - he spent a lot of time emulating strength and feeling like he had to.

5. No relationship is the same. It can't be. Yet, you know if you love her or you are in love with the idea of her. Be honest with yourself. Don't subscribe to any book or declaration that there is one specific formula. This would be easy, but love is not easy.

6. Dare to try again. I've been with the same man since I was 19 (married at 21). It is hard for me to remember anything but him, but there have been times when I was one crazy B****. I've flirted with emotional affairs in our earlier years because, although we loved one another, we didn't really UNDERSTAND one another. The later took time and work, dedication and communication. I end this at six (convenient, eh?!) and state, for me, it was worth it. For you it may not be. Don't be afraid of change if you are miserable, hash it out with your significant other first (if safe for you to do so - NEVER put yourself in harm's way), and if you have been honest and it still doesn't work, dare to walk away. Then dare to love again. 

We only live once. That is the same for everyone. Keep daring, keep growing, keep being open to love. Love, for you, definitely exists. You are worthy when you do the hard work and you are definitely capable of that work. Don't make excuses and don't forget to keep giving yourself as many chances as you need as long as you are learning.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tori welcome back, your manifesto is very insightful...and in many ways spot on. As much as we have evolved over the millenniums in some ways we are still primates in our thinking and maturity.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

interesting.....something for me to ponder


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