# I need help...



## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Okay I didn't know where to put this really. I promise to be perfectly honest and I'll answer anything you guys here ask. I need some sort of unbiased justly advice.

I was asked to leave the family home four nights ago, I have been married to my wife for a year and 3 days now. We totally missed our anniversary. We have a very young daughter. 

Now my parents have said give it time and take a break from one another - but what then? I desperately fear I am loosing her. I want her to really think things through about us, it is her decision what she wants to do with our marriage. I just want her to be sure. I am very scared. I saw her today and she was still wearing her wedding ring (she came to give me our daughter). And I know she is trying to be amicable about our child. She wanted to talk today and but I said no, only because I didn't want to be any more sad after we talked when I was looking after Emily (our daughter). 

I am sometimes, prone to laziness like the day I left the house was a mess and all I did was play WoW. Now I did explain that I was feeling very ill, so ill mentally that I made an appointment to see a specialist. But as the day went on I asked her something for a hug and she said no I saw her reaction and asked her if she loved me? She said she didn't know and that left me feeling very empty and alone. She has been feeling a lone too, some nights she would fall asleep on my lap while I would play computer games early into the morning. I hadn't realised that annoyed her, I know when I would get up in the night to play them or entertain myself to escape my constant nightmares that that annoyed her. Yet I don't believe she realises how bad my nightmares are. Even being away from her I am still hunted by them. That very night she told me she was having nightmares, I already knew this, she had talked about them before. Although now I know by her telling me that the person the dreams revolve around taking our daughter is one of my ex-girlfriends. I wish she told me, seeing as on a bad week I can have multiple dreams per night of my wife having graphic sex with other men – her previous partners. I don't blame her but I feel as if she holds it against me because she fears the girl taking our child is always there in her head. 

The origin of the nightmares on her part are from my ex-girlfriend saying she wanted to get back with me and we could raise my wife's and my child with her too (this happened between 7-8 months ago). We were married at this point. 

While my nightmares start when we were courting and the intensity of them increased when we moved in with one another and periodically every month if not twice she would give detail of her having sex with her previous partners. These are the partners she made me aware of on the street and on he internet, so I know them by face and others too by name (these problems started during and before we were married).

Now we didn't help each other by us talking to these individuals, I constantly talked to my ex-girlfriend. While she unvarying talked to five guys (of what I counted). I caught a few rather sexual texts that weren't fuelled really, but they were not halting responses by her. I cannot even describe how many times these problems have came up and hurt us both.

She always said I was the best husband she could have possibly ask for, so I am still a little confused with what to do. 

A few weeks back, I wanted to leave – due to her nagging about things I at the time deemed pointless, like dirty clothes on the floor and things like that. Now in fairness I have tidied our house from top to bottom, like when she was pregnant – giving birth in hospital, the house was immaculate. Every now and then when she went out I was able to do the same, whilst looking after our child. Like I said before on the night I was asked to leave I hadn't moved an inch apart from my bed and didn't do anything. In addition to this I have become quite complacent with her looking after our daughter. Like if I am asleep and she has woken me up to help her change our daughter, I am snappy and angry. I remember the night before I was like this. 

We have been away from each other for a while now and need some help. I haven't been texting her, I only text back if she texts me – because I know she needs space from me and I am trying hard to give her that. I want her back, but I need her to be better. I can't take her saying she will change and going back to being the same the next day. 

I've tried giving her notes before, saying I love her and want things to get better, but I guess she didn't know what to say back etc.

She has depression and has done for years, but it has gone shamefully untreated. She has had a few appointments and now she has got and is taking medication but I can only imagine you how lonely she has been. I have been trying to tell her she has me and Emily and she should be happy to know we are save, healthy and love her. I stupidly tried to make her believe that, though now I see it was just annoying her and making her feel guilty. It is true that if take a step back and see what is before you, it can totally change your perception.

I just feel like everything is such a mess, I wanted the perfect little family to be married then have a lovely little family but now all of those hopes and dreams are being shattered too, I would love a family but I just can’t see that ever happening now, I wanted my wife to be the mother of all my children but I will never marry again and I really don’t want anyone else to mother my children. 

It’s all such a mess, and I don’t know where to go from here, do I take the plunge and move on (not relationship wise), just move on as in move out of my parents (I’m looking at doing a house share with some friends) in the hopes that it will make her realise that my life won’t stand still for him but also with the risk of getting to the point where even if she does realise that he wants me back I’ll be too guarded then to let her back into my life or do I stay at my parents at a stand still but keep the hope so that I’ll be open to a reconciliation if and when the time comes? That idea is stupid, I just don't know. 

Please help, I am desperate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want your marriage to work you need to live like you are married. Living apart from you wife and child will most likely lead to the two of you never getting back together.

When your wife asked you to leave, the right answer would have been that no you will not leave. Instead you will work with her to fix your marriage.

Both of you have nightmares and they are over really silly stuff. Why on earth do you even listen to her talking about other men. You are at fault here for not telling her to stop talking about them.

The nightmares about your ex raising your child, well the quickest way for that to happen is for your wife to tell you to leave the marriage home. After all you could get back with your ex and thus she would raise your daughter half the time with you.

It sounds to me like both of you suffer from depression. Are you getting medical help for your problems?

If you want your marriage to work, move back in with your wife. The two of you need to go to counseling together.

An you need to stop being lazy and angry and pitch in to help raise your child and take care of your home.

Do both you and your wife have jobs?


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Incredible I feel so different after reading that. However both her parents and my own said we spend too much time together, the term one of them used was us being inside each other's pockets. I didn't agree with them but didn't say anything. 

As for her talking about her ex-partners I have told her to stop after it things have been said. Multiple times in fact, but for a while they just continued thus the bi-monthly periods of it happening. 

Lastly my wife doesn't have a job, I do... but I haven't been in ages. Thus the living in each other's pockets. I am going to receive medical help for my depression, it is about time I did.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

I asked her to let me move back in and declared my undying love for her and our family. She said she would think about it, which is very hopeful. I'm very grateful she listened to me.


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## JillsJourney (Feb 23, 2013)

Married life is difficult because each person is unique. Add to that pool depression, anxiety, insecurities, etc. it makes marriage even more difficult. I think during the first year of marriage, couples learn how to "push each others buttons" perfectly. I think there is hope for you and your wife to work together towards a happy, healthy marriage. If you decide to move out, it might be harder to go back at some point. I can tell from your posts that you love and care about your wife. Relationships require vulnerability. Be willing to admit flaws that you have (I totally struggle with this). Maybe you could write her a letter or an email reminding her how much you love her. In the letter you could talk about her wonderful qualities. Show some vulnerability by telling her that you would like to work together to get back on track with a happy marriage. You could even suggest couples therapy if you wanted to. Obviously I do not know you or your wife, so please take my comments as a grain of salt. I hope that you and your wife are able to resume work on a happily ever after.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Finite said:


> I asked her to let me move back in and declared my undying love for her and our family. She said she would think about it, which is very hopeful. I'm very grateful she listened to me.


So, you've given her all the decision-making power.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Conrad said:


> So, you've given her all the decision-making power.


She had it anyway though and she was directing that power through our child.

I literally do not know how to go about this, any more advice you can give Conrad?


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Anymore help out there?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Are you serious? 

Ok first off uh hello, you're married! You shouldn't be talking to exes or talking about them at all. There's too much temptation there to air your dirty laundy to others and play the comparison game to make each other jealous. Just stop that!

Get ready for the 2x4 because you're too old to be playing WOW all night and you have a kid. You have freaking responsibilities that your wife shouldn't be handeling for you. As you already may have guesses this is a big sign for depression and bipolar disorder (which I have), and I recognize the self soothing dopamine releasing hobbies like this. But this is still inexcusable. You're too old to be blowing off chores to play videogames PERIOD!

And from what I can tell your wife is cheating on you because you slept walked through your marriage when things started to get serious once the honeymoon was over. At a year and a half of marriage, that's not a good sign for either of you. Right now you're at a stage where you better wise fast before she stops interviewing your replacement and fills the position if you get my drift. I'm saying you better nock off the neurotic worrying and get yourself to a doctor for a mood stabilizer, and then do something because at the rate you're going you're headed for divorce.

All you have to do at this time is agree with her, tell her she's right, and then act indifferent about the divorce or separation. Those things will at the very least get her to stop abusing you when she feels bad. Then your next move is to stop chasing her, stop arguing or tying to get her to talk with you, and just enjoying your free time and time spent with your kid having real fun. Give those techniques a couple months while you get your geat screwed back on and prepared for the final battle...... divorce court if it does happen. 

Hey, I'm not saying it will but you need to be ready so you don't fall to pieces over this. In that situation just agree to anything that doesn't cost you an arm and a leg and get your case ready showing that you are a good father and hard working man so you can at the very least get some custody. I just want you to remember that if you start acting happy(and remember to take your pills), your wife will be happy to see you and may even want to see you more often. 

You can beat this but you need to grow up and show her the old you isn't how you're going to be in the future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Finite said:


> However both her parents and my own said we spend too much time together, the term one of them used was us being inside each other's pockets. I didn't agree with them but didn't say anything. .


How many hours a week were the two of you spending doing things together, just the two of you?



Finite said:


> Lastly my wife doesn't have a job, I do... but I haven't been in ages. Thus the living in each other's pockets. I am going to receive medical help for my depression, it is about time I did.


How long has it been since you went to work? Are you going to lose your job because you have not been going to work?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I think you both need to grow up.

Did you attend any premarital counseling before getting married?
Why did you get married?

Make some calls and find individual counseling for both of you and marriage counseling.

Get rid of the blasted games.
Get you butt back to work, you have a baby and wife to provide for.

Tough love from Grandma


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Nsweet, I think it is harsh to acuse my wife of cheating. That isn't the point though. I have told her everything would change and that she has to as well. Now I am focusing on my child. On being happy, regaurdless of what happens I just want to be happy now and if I do lose her - well her loss (and I mean that). I myself can see I have been in a sorry state but she knows I am a good man, you cannot go from having the bet husband to the worst especially when I haven't cheated or hit her, or changed how I feel about her and our child. So I am not going to fall to pieces any more, I just need something to focus on and I have. Nsweet, those techniques I will do my best to implement them into my life.

As for the games, well being away from the family home I haven't been interested in playing it at all. I don't need it or want it. If we got back together it would be on craigslist straightaway.

Hey Grandma Tigger, last time something like this happened on a lesser scale where I said I wanted to leave - we said we would go and do some counseling. Looks like it isn't going to happen now though, although I am still going to see my mental health appointment.

I got married because I love her and I wanted to start a family. I wanted her to be the woman I grew old with, she had told me the same. A couple days before I was kicked she told me she saw us growing old together (so things like that still kinda hurt). 

Did you attend any premarital counseling before getting married? No we didn't.

I am already back into my work and no I won't be loosing my job. I have talked with them.

As for us spending time together, 24/7 ;_;


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

It says in your profile that you are bisexual. Does your wife know? Do you think that could be a contributIon to your marital problems or depression? What do you do for a living? What kind of teacher?


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Stella Moon said:


> It says in your profile that you are bisexual. Does your wife know? Do you think that could be a contributIon to your marital problems or depression? What do you do for a living? What kind of teacher?


Yes she knows, she is one too. Although I don't feel the specifics of our sexuality if the problem here. But if you deem it necessary please conclude.

I'm an supply secondary school math teacher. I don't feel as though the job is an issues her.

Our depression stems from our nightmares and how they came about.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Finite said:


> Yes she knows, she is one too. Although I don't feel the specifics of our sexuality if the problem here. But if you deem it necessary please conclude.
> 
> I'm an supply secondary school math teacher. I don't feel as though the job is an issues her.
> 
> Our depression stems from our nightmares and how they came about.


no no...I just thought I'd ask you i'm sure can see why i would could have been some jealously issues in that department is all. 
A math teacher? Cool. I couldn't balance my check book without a calculator however as of late because of my divorce thats not a problem 

You guys are just so new yet...personally I think that if you 'both' want to get back on track and I think you should being you love each other so much and you have your little one you should hit the marriage counseling and the individual counseling as the others have said. And get the meds in order...get back in the house...it doesn't seem like there's anything else 'big' here...no infidelities etc...just need to get back on track and make each other a priority and start dating each other again. 
No more power video games...I don't know if you have to give them up altogether unless they are a huge addiction for you sounds like they might be but I think everyone need individual down time but def not the way you were going at it.  Sounds like you really want to try and become an attentive loving husband what are your chances of getting back into your marital home??


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

That may have been a harsh accusation, but you need to be prepared for the worse. Generally, after you're kicked out of your own house, paired with depression and insecurities, an affair isn't far off. Usually there's an initial "test the single waters" phase where the wayward willl try out dating and see if that quick fix makes them feel good. That's where your wife is headed if you can't get your head out of your ass and show her you..... 
A) Are accepting of her decision to seperate - Which is what she's done already. 
B) Are not going to pressure her to take you back.
C) Are going to stay away from her and not chase her.
D) Arer going to take responsibilities and take care of your child.

Look to be honest with you, your situation isn't unfixable. But you have a lot of work to do before you can claim to even be making progress. Mainly that involves staying out of her way and not chasing her so she doesn't blame-shift any of her problems on you, but also taking care of your child so she can be alone with her thoughts. You see right now she's going to be thinking about you more than you know and considering if divorce willl make her happy. 

If you reassure her with your constant undeserving approval and kiss her ass to get any attention from her, she's going to divorce you and not feel any worry about living her life without you. That is why you need to stay away from her and follow the guidelines of the 180 closely. She needs to feel scared and alone that you're not going to be around much if she leaves you for good, and you absolutely need to lead by example and get treated for depression because if you don't you're just going to trade WOW for another unhealthy distancing/distraction behavior.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

The thing is she doesn't want to get things back on track, she says the same thing over and over - she is tired of the arguing. That was only reinforced by us actually talking without getting emotional and breaking down. We talked for almost two hours today and it was just talking, I told her everything would change. The video games would completely go, we'd be going to bed together on the nights - I would be so much more than I was. Numerous times I made her smile – made her laugh just a little as well, yet she just didn't want to.

She wasn't interested in the counselling or us taking our medication. She wasn't interested in any of it. I then wondered if she could see us living together for one month to prove **** would change and it wouldn't change back to how it was because neither of us would argue and we both agree we could talk to one another without arguing. Nope, didn't want that. A week? No, “I cannot do it any more” was her response.

The chances of getting back into the house we made together, looks like a zero.

Nsweet, I am going to follow the 180 starting from now. I am smart, highly motivated man and I can do this. Haha, I was going to say like I wish you were constantly on my back helping me out, but I'd probably strangle you.

The 180... whether I like it not.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Are you serious? 

Did you even freakin read the 180 list or ANY divorce resources on here? 

Newbie, you don't talk to your wife for 2 hours when she's just kicked you out. And you certainly don't argue with her or try to weasel your way back into her life. Read the damn list! Read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis, Read 'Stop Your Divorce' by Homer Mcdonald - I can get you a free PDF copy. Read 'His Needs: Her Needs', though this one won't help you now. I swear everyone always thinks they can do it on their own, and then f*ck things up and come here to complain and look down on themselves. I've probably seen it over a hunderd times by now by men and women from every walk of life and ever level of intelligence.

Ok Damage Control!

Here's what you're going to do. You're going to wait ten, YES 10 DAYS, to respond to her calls or call her. In ten days you will tell her this exactly..... "I've come to my senses and I've decided to let you go without a fight. While I would like for us to work on our marriage, I understand this is what you want. I will get the divorce paperwork started and we can go from there." Then actually get the divorce paperwork started. Don't sit around on your ass wiching and praying, you need to light a fire under your wife and actually have her start to fear you're going to leave her for good and this fight will be final. Don't even dream about calling her to give in to her demands or work things out. You need to seem like YOU ARE PULLING AWAY and stop chasing after her. 

If worse comes to worse you will have everything ready for divorce, and by that I mean you'll keep your accounts seperate and she won't be able to take any money out of anger from your accounts or charge up your credit cards before you know about it. Then actually start the paperwork and let her watch the count down until she's alone for good. If you think she's going to "work things out" or whatever BS line she gave you about her "Needing time and space to work on herself" you've been lied to. She is waiting for any fight or sexual attention from another man to push her over the fence and have her make the decision without taking responsibility for herself. That is why you're going to pull the rug out from under her and scare her with the feeling of losing you for good. It works! But only if you keep your balls screwed on tightly and don't call her crying "Please Honey, don't leave me.... I love you.... I miss you." You have to be tough and pull away, so she will come running.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

That's all well and good, but what am I suppose to do as we have a kid. I won't be able to do that ten days things?

...and like I said I have started the 180 thing and am pulling away.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I figured you would give me an excuse, so let me put this in perspective for you.

Ok, jumping to divorce may be putting the cart before the horse. But lets step back and take a look at this situation..... She's kicked you out of your house, and now you're in a cheap apt with the bare essentials. She says she doesn't want to reconsider your marriage. And I'm betting she told you something about how she needs time to herself to think, or to work on herself. Hate to say it, but she's not doing anything to work on your marriage. She quit! Now she's just preparing herself for divorce and a life without you. 

So you could take it another way and file for separation, but you statistically only have about 2-3 months from when you get kicked out for you make progress with the 180. Around 4-6 months waywards get over their depression and write off everything being your fault while they begin to date and do their own version of the 180. That's why I want you to make a move first and file for divorce so you don't get shafted with more child support and less visitation. 

And really, if you do happen to divorce..... Are either you or your wife going to die any time soon? Even if the 180 fails miserably and she leaves you for someone else you still have half a chance with visitations and the next couple of years. That is, ONLY if you can implement the 180 and pull away from her.... while remaining a supportive and loving father. 

I'm not telling you that you are going to wind up divorced, but you need to be prepared. What's you need to focus on now is how you're going to ear her respect before anything else, and how you do that is you must agree with her to breakup/divorce, and then you must go no contact/limited contact. LC in this case because you have a child together, you'll need to read up on that yourself. You have a little time to play with, since you came here early enough, so you can afford to go to extreme LC for a month and just not call her.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

I'm tired of her. 

I _literally _haven't done anything irreparable to her, our child or us. So I'm more or less giving up on the relationship, she tried to phone me and have a conversation today twice in fact and she got nothing.

So that is how it is going to stay.

It is over for us. 

Thank you for all your help - EleGirl, JillsJourney, Conrad, Stella Moon and Nsweet.

Lastly though, because I struggled to finish Nsweet's last post. What does LC mean?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

LC - Limited contact. It's what you do when you're either forced to work with your wife or share custody.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Despite what you may think, I'm not trying to get you to divorce your wife. I counted on your "relationship-preservation" instinct to kick in at the last moment and have you stop yourself from going through with it, but not before you've prepared yourself mentally and gotten you financial records in order just in case. You need to plan ahead anyways and do what's necessary to protect your #1 finances and credit rating, #2 your reputation and character #3 your child and visitation rights. 

What I'm trying to get through to you is that you need to treat this separation as a preparation phase for divorce. That way you don't screw things up during those most important first months of separation, like every other knucklehead here who argues with the 180, and end up getting your feeling hurt because your desperate please for reconciliation are seen as hostile negotiation tactics. You can't argue, cajole, bargain, pleade, or sweet talk her into coming back so long as she's siding with her ego and subconsciously blaming you for her depression. 

And if you do things her way, and kiss her ass up and down to get back together, you're just going to lose what little respect she has for you and any reconciliation that takes place will be on her terms and will resort in her leaving again when you can't keep up with the unreal expectations. What I'm saying is that if you cried real pretty for her to take you back, she might let you into her life for a little while but she's going to list of demands to make her feel better about you and when you bend over backwards to make her happy she's still going to find something wrong with you. That's why you need to do the 180 for YOU and let her experience the fear of abandonment and depression on her own without you to blame for any of it. 

I'll let you in on a little secret about the divorce mindset that will help on your goal towards reconciliation. Your wife is unhappy, and she is going to be unhappy no matter what you do. If you argue with her or try to change her mind she WILL find something besides the reasons she gave you before to stay mad at you. But..... If you side with her, agree with her, act happy about her decision, and pull away from her (without being nasty about it), she WILL stop finding reasons to bash you and WILL side with you. Her ego won't let her think about you in a positive light, and her pride is guarding her ego, so if want to get along you need agree with her ego so her pride will stand down. 

And don't be stupid! Once you say you agree you can't go back and try to change you mind or you're going to make her cry, scream, and yell about how she can't trust and how you never listen to her. You don't want to set your prograss back MONTHS do you? When you go back to being more like friends, and you will if you listen to me and stop chasing her, agree with her, and pull away.... even if divorce is right around the corner and you have a court date. You have to take things very S-L-O-W-L-Y, and treat your wife like a work friend you don't want to have sex with. 

Put it like this, if she invites you over for dinner or want to talk in person...Don't kiss her, don't touch her, don't say "I love you" or "I'll always be there for you", don't even look at her like you want her body. I'm getting ahead of myself here but prolonged eye contact when she's talking is good it shows you're listening, you make eye contact and actually pay attention. On the other hand, touching her too much, or trying to force a kiss is a violation of boundaries and will most likely set you back. Use the same guidelines for sexual harassment.... And don't make the mistake of having sex because you get the offer. 

Far off in the distant future...... I promise you if you can hold off on any sexual contact with her and focus on having fun whenever you're out together or even at her place, she'll start chasing you. Even if she's dating some loser before or after divorce, don't make a fuss! Just treat her kind and wait for the douche bag to grow overly jealous and possessive and screw things up for himself. Any new men in her life who are currently chasing her won't like it when you're always around or talking to her. BTW this is how love affairs start and how spouses can be won back again, but you have to be more emotionally mature and patient than the other guy.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

I agree with everything you said, when I next see her if she brings up us not being together I will side with her and like you said agree with her without ill feelings that it is the right course of action. Or should I just say it to her? I'm not sure ...but the whole of the 180 is in full practice over here and it feels like a strange ideal of freedom.

Nsweet, I don't hold any negative feelings towards you man. 

I know you are helping me, thank you for that last blast.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

She needs to hear you side with her! More importantly she needs to hear that you won't be chasing her anymore - but put it another way and don't use the word "chasing". It's just too stalkerish. 

Tell her the three lines I've told you to say.
1. I agree and will be doing this your way 
2. I would like for us to work on this, BUT..... 
3. I'm going to help you get rid of me. 
(4.) I'm not going to bother you.....

Now when you say things like "I'll stay out of your way" you instill in her a fear of abandonment that will kick in weeks or months later. If you harass her to speak to your child or bother her to say "hello", that's not keeping away from her or working on the 180. 

If you want a great example tell her what I told my wife when I was met with this resistance. *"I know this has been difficult for both of us, and I may have made things worse for you. While I would like for us to work on our marriage, I understand this is what you want. I'll help you every step of the way so this divorce doesn't drag on"* 

Or something like that. You have to tell her you agree with her, you want to work on your marriage, and you're not going to fight her and will help her with the divorce. Then stay away from her and "go dark" as they say on here for a good 8-12 weeks. The best way to put it is don't call her, return her calls later, and don't harass her for anything. 

Your baby will be fine without you for a couple of weeks or any time you're not sharing custody, so don't use contact with your child as a manipulation to talk to your wife. If and when your wife does contact you keep all questions short and feel free to ask if your child needs anything. Also do make an attempt every once and a while to offer to take your child on non visitation days to give her more time off. Don't fight her if she says no, just act happy and say "ok".

Hey also, if you act happy and find she treats you like sh!t to get you down to her level. It just means whatever your doing is working. She's going to hate you for not joining her pity party if she's depressed, but then later on she'll look up to you for not caving in. It's like a little girl who throws a fit in a candy story because she can't have everything. If you keep your boundaries strong and tell her "It's either one, or you get nothing", she is going to hate you but respect you and still walk away with something good. Keep acting happy and indifferent and she will start working with you.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Wow, interesting levels of playing this out. I've got it... once anything more happens I will be sure to tell all how things went and hopefully they go to plan.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

It's a good thing you came here in the nick of time. You may just squeek by with a friendly divorce as I did, or end up being one of the lucky ones with a slow and stead reconciliation.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Thanks man, but I've given up and on her. I've even joined a few dating sites. She has wasted my time and been untruthful and dishonest in our relationship. She neglected it, like I did but decided not to do anything until she felt the need to end it. I cannot work with that. 

She doesn't actually want a divorce she tells me, but refuses to get back together.

These days she is really nasty as well. Oh well, life goes on... thanks Nsweet.


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## BetrayedNoMore (Mar 13, 2013)

You need to get back in the house, ASAP. If she really wants out, she can move out. Your supporting her and bending over and taking it in the rear, WHY? If she needs "space" she can make her own at her own expense. You are just letting her be a cake eater. Move in, focus on your kid! Your kid needs you.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Haha, I wish it was so easy – if it were I would have done it by now. I've be absent from the house for three weeks now. For most of the first week we talked and talked. She has put an end to the idea of me moving back in for any reason: change, our child, our relationship, our love. She didn't need space, she wanted me out and is more than happy with me not being there. She is planning ahead allocating time for when I see my child, when to get my stuff and so on. We are over and I cannot be bothered in fighting her and try to earn myself a chance to engage our relationship. It was meant to be a partnership, not a one man race. 

BetrayedNoMore, I read some of your thread. And her parents fully support her in getting rid of the husband that was more or less separating them from one another. They didn't like that she was growing up and her childish mentality doesn't help things either. Idiots support idiots. You don't throw your husband out and claim the relationship is over without counselling or proper discussion over a few arguments and h is depressive mental state. You don't do that kind of crap to someone you love. I have never done anything like that to her, so I fail to see why.

She doesn't care about me, or me seeing my kid. I believe if I said I didn't want to see my kid she would apply for monetary support from me and be fine with that.

Yeah she would love that.


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## BetrayedNoMore (Mar 13, 2013)

That's how your letting her control your life and your relationship with your kid! What is stopping you from back in? Stop letting her call the shots, you gave her the upper hand when you moved out. It's time to take that back! It's not about the relationship between you and your ex. It's all about your relationship with your kid. Don't let her destroy your relationship with your kid!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

The house is in her name. 

Even though I have been paying all the bills... since we moved in she has got together all my stuff in the garage ready for me to collect. Removed our wedding pictures, all traces of me remain in the garage etc.

That is what is stopping me move back into the house.

If I moved back in and said "this is my home and I need to be here for my kid" or whatever. Do you seriously think that would go down well? First I would have to deal with her parents, because they'd be called immediately and I'm sure they would quit work and come down in an instant and then I might have to deal with the police for trespassing or something.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Are you avoiding contact with her at all cost like I said? Like the 180 says you're supposed to do? 

Don't make the mistake of getting pissed over nothing and calling her to tell her how hurt you are or how you deserve this or that. Remember, LET THE DUST SETTLE!


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

That is what I'm doing Nsweet, but I'm not doing it because I want back in. I'm doing it for me, cause' I'm tired for dealing with her horrid attitude and her despicable behavior. 

I deserve better and for all people who have a partner like her, so do they. The 180 is in total effect; believe me.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Do I need to come over there and teach you a thing or two about human behavior? Seriously, do we need to take a trip down to a local park so I can show you how childish the ego really is, and how the attitude you're getting from your wife isn't really her but more of a self preservation feature. 

Look at it like this, you're both coming down from a high that's lasted for quite a while and so you're both going to blame anything and everyone else to keep your ego in tact. Just so you can say "I don't have a problem.... she does.". Now what's really happening is the chemical bonding experience from the deep limbic system has been cutoff and you sort of fragmented your reality into separete but equally terrifying worlds. 

To put it simply, you have just been ripped out of the matrix. Now stay away from her for 90, NINE-ZERO, days and get some therapy so your brain can fix its self and you don't jump off of a tall building because she calls you a piece of sh!t to make her own self feel better. 

You know she's going to say anything and everything she can to get under your skin and make you the bad guy in your relationship. Maybe she will rewrite history for herself and say she never loved you, maybe she will file an emergency restraining order barring you from contacting her. Who the hell cares right now. With the former you know she's just saying that to keep from accepting responsibilities in the relationship, and with the latter you'll know for sure that she's not worth the trouble of reconciliation.

My point is you need to forgive her for being a stupid, childish, and emotionally hurt person who is just like the rest of us and be the adult here. No matter how hurt you are by her actions and words do not lash out. If anything you should be taking pity on her because you're receiving help for your divorce and she's most likely cycling through temporary instant gratification behaviors to make herself feel better. You're not ignoreing the pain here, you're dealing with a long and slow rehab she won't go through until much later...... which is why things will get better for you in the long run.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Hey I'm just wondering Nsweet, what is your intention aimed at with that post, bro?

Me to get her back?
...or just make things easy for me (how)?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

My intentions were for you to simply agree to disagree, and to go through the 180 as I have outlined. Not some pathetic attempt to cajole her into allowing you back in or some self help crap where I pump up your ego and let you storm all over her about how you're better than her and need to be listen to. No, my intentions were just for you to be the bigger person and to turn the other cheek or just stop talking to her.... like you're supposed to do!

I know it's not very professional of me to say, but I have to say it anyways. If she wants to be an unreasonable b!tch, let her be an unreasonable b!tch all on her own. When she's calmed down enough and decided to behave, then you can try talking to her about ONE of your issues - But be prepaired to drop it and come back to it later. You really do condition others to respond to you a certain way. And it's no different in divorce. If you keep you "Let's talk like adults or not at all" boundaries strong, you're going to find talks with her are better and going dark is much easier.


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## Finite (Mar 1, 2013)

Okay update, I have put my wedding ring back on as last week she asked me to come around to talk and make lists for one another of what we want to change within our relationship and so on. So I go and exchange our lists, (like no shouting, keeping our parents out of the relationship, no secrets and to be honest with one another) we put down our child to sleep and before I know it I'm in the marital bed having sex with my wife. Problem? Probably.

We said sorry for changing one another and are slowly working to have me back inside the family home. Slowly.

However her parents are influencing her and most likely bad mouthing me. I spoke to her about it once, seeing as she is going to have a party but I'm not invited due to it being her parents home and her father hates me for what I've done. Somehow I can feel her parents are driving a wedge in-between us. 

I'd like to know what I want to do from here?


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