# Waiting until marriage to have sex. Is this a good idea?



## Crimsyn (Dec 4, 2011)

My husband and I met and started dating when we were just 14 years old. We made a promise to each other to wait til we were married to have sex. I'm not sure why we made this promise exactly... I'm sure he doesn't remember why either. It wasn't because of religious views.

We met online and dated for literally five years via long distance. We would visit each other on holidays and summer/spring vacation. We very well didn't want to have sex in our parents home and especially since we knew we'd have to wait at least another six months for the next time... that'd just be torture.

He moved in with my grandmother and I when we were 19. And in 2-3 years we got our own place. During this entire time we would do everything sexual besides sex itself... even when we got our own place. After living on our own & finally financially stabled, we got married. We didn't have sex immediately either. It took some time. And when we finally did.. I remember it being good. And after a few times, it got GREAT. But for some reason... we just stopped. We've been married for two years now and we rarely ever had sex.

I'm curious if waiting was a stupid idea. Honestly, if any one asked me for advice on this topic... I'd say DON'T WAIT! I really do think it hindered us. We were together for SO long (literally nine years) without having sex... and when it was finally okay to, we didn't know how to approach it. Should it be spontaneous or planned?... It was always a very awkward situation.

And now we are in the midst of a divorce. (for other reasons... but this sure plays a part in it) And now all I can think about is having sex with him. :| I feel like I'm the type of woman that seems to want what she can't have... very ugly trait. And I'm working on fixing this.

Anyone would like to chime in on this? I'm very curious on other's situations and/or advice.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Hard for me to give advice about if it were right or wrong, because my wife and I started having sex young, 3 years or so before we got married, and our sex life was never really a problem in our relationship. It was always great.

General advice on sex would be... 

Spontaneity is almost always a good thing, from a man's perspective. If I came home from work at 6am (I worked nights the last 2 years or so) and my wife woke me up by climbing on top of me an hour after I fell asleep, the sex was amazing. It was the same thing if I came home and she called out to me from the shower that I need to hurry up and get in there with her because she had to pick the kids up from school in a little while, it was amazing. Spontaneity always makes for a lot of excitement, and goes a long way in keeping things new and fresh in your sex life. 

On the other hand, we did plan things out occasionally as well, and it seemed to always go well too. Many times it was us kissing and touching as we passed by each other through halls in the house, and looks we gave each other that we learned after spending so many years together that we were both looking forward to the kids going to sleep that night. We'd text back and forth from the same room getting each other all worked up for later that night, and then once we knew the kids were asleep it was game-on and was always an amazing night  

I guess it all depends on the people and the situation. The best advice I can give is to keep things fresh and change it up. Don't always stick with the norm. Fantasize, role-play, do whatever you can to keep it new, fresh, and hot. If you're always doing things fast-paced, though, I would try to slow it down a little bit and drag it out to make for a longer night. This is always fun as well.

As far as waiting, I think it's a tough decision, but there are lots of people out there who make that decision and lead perfectly normal sex lives. I just can't speak from experience because I wasn't one of them :smthumbup:


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

TroubldHusband said:


> On the other hand, we did plan things out occasionally as well, and it seemed to always go well too. Many times it was us kissing and touching as we passed by each other through halls in the house, and looks we gave each other that we learned after spending so many years together that we were both looking forward to the kids going to sleep that night. We'd text back and forth from the same room getting each other all worked up for later that night, and then once we knew the kids were asleep it was game-on and was always an amazing night  /QUOTE]
> :iagree:
> 
> I have been relizing all the things I could have done, LIke these you mentioned, to spice things up in my marriage before it went towards divorce. Its now in reconsilation. My husband and I talk and text everyday and see eachother as often as possible.
> ...


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## Crimsyn (Dec 4, 2011)

TroubldHusband said:


> Spontaneity is almost always a good thing, from a man's perspective. If I came home from work at 6am (I worked nights the last 2 years or so) and my wife woke me up by climbing on top of me an hour after I fell asleep, the sex was amazing. It was the same thing if I came home and she called out to me from the shower that I need to hurry up and get in there with her because she had to pick the kids up from school in a little while, it was amazing. Spontaneity always makes for a lot of excitement, and goes a long way in keeping things new and fresh in your sex life.


That is something our relationship/marriage definitely lacked. And it was mostly my fault. He was always in the mood. Me...? I dunno, I guess for awhile I was struggling thinking whether or not I was physically attracted to him any more. I guess me dwelling on the fact that we just couldn't have sex with out it being weird at times... it really got to me. And I started thinking of all kinds of reasons why this could be happening...

I think I just had a lot going on in my head. My own problems I was dealing with. There's so many excuses I have given myself... But I honestly just regret waiting til marriage. We had SO much passion when we were first started dating. I mean we were young... and only got to see each other a few times a year... of course all we thought about was sex! 

I just really regret waiting. I fear it's one of the reasons, quite possibly the main reason, why we are facing divorce now. But now.. I am so very much physically attracted to him and it's frustrating!

I do admire those who were able to wait until marriage and still have normal and healthy sex lives. But I doubt they waited 9 years to get married like we did though.  I don't know WHO could handle that, seriously.


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## Crimsyn (Dec 4, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> TroubldHusband said:
> 
> 
> > On the other hand, we did plan things out occasionally as well, and it seemed to always go well too. Many times it was us kissing and touching as we passed by each other through halls in the house, and looks we gave each other that we learned after spending so many years together that we were both looking forward to the kids going to sleep that night. We'd text back and forth from the same room getting each other all worked up for later that night, and then once we knew the kids were asleep it was game-on and was always an amazing night  /QUOTE]
> ...


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Good luck to both of you! I hope for nothing but the best for the two of you in reconciling your marriages! I have a long road ahead of me in mine, because at this point she's not even sure if she wants to reconcile ever. Lots of underlying issues as to why I've put her in that position, though. Hoping the 180 spins things around, but if it doesn't, someone else will get to benefit from the new me


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Crimsyn said:


> blueskies30 said:
> 
> 
> > Good luck to you, Blueskies30! I know the feeling... my husband and I are only at the hugging stage now... and that's even rare. I hope and pray that we can get to the point (if he decides to have me back and fix this..) that I can finally kiss him. I have been craving that for so so long now. And thinking of having sex with him... gah, it's frustrating but I miss it so so much.
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

That's like waiting until you reach the desert to go swimming.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

We waited until we were engaged. Both of us were previously married. Even if we weren't married prior, I'd still would of done the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*I'm curious if waiting was a stupid idea. Honestly, if any one asked me for advice on this topic... I'd say DON'T WAIT! I really do think it hindered us. We were together for SO long (literally nine years) without having sex... and when it was finally okay to, we didn't know how to approach it.
Anyone would like to chime in on this? I'm very curious on other's situations and/or advice.*
If youre living together then DONT WAIT. certainly after youre married do it straight away. If youre not living together it really depends how often you see each other. I would perhaps add, if you discuss sex then definitely dont wait. I would even say discussing it in advance is a bad idea.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I'm not convinced that sex before marriage is any kind of indicator about what sex after marriage or the general relational status of the marriage will be going forward.

These boards are littered with people who had great sex before marriage and not so great after. There are also any number who had great sex beforehand, then felt tremendous guilt afterward which negatively impacted their marriage later.

So, I would quit worrying about the line of thought whether you should have waited or not, and instead concentrate on now. You did what you both thought was the best at the time, so let the past go.

You said that after you were married the sex went from good, to great, to ... nothing. What kinds of things were going on during the transition from great to nothing? There was likely more than just the waiting for sex involved would be my guess.

_“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” ~ Fulton Oursler _ 

Let the past go, quit worrying on the future, and take hold and march confidently forward into today.

Best wishes.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I would say don't wait until marriage to try sex. Because if it turns out that it's not your cup of tea, you are roped into it for the rest of your living days. And that is a living hell for both partners. It would be better if you gave it a crack beforehand, and then you can make sure you find a marriage-worthy partner who has the same level of sexuality as yourself.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> I would say don't wait until marriage to try sex. Because if it turns out that it's not your cup of tea, you are roped into it for the rest of your living days. And that is a living hell for both partners. It would be better if you gave it a crack beforehand, and then you can make sure you find a marriage-worthy partner who has the same level of sexuality as yourself.


Although this sounds feasible almost all religions dont agree. First of all it takes time and experience to get sex right and a 'crack' in advance wont tell you much. Having the same level will not stay like that for long either. Its best for both to 'grow' together. It may be hit and miss at the beginning but after a time it should settle down.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

before my wife and i got married, i had a very low sex drive. being an extremely intellectual type personality,(INTJ) i didnt really enjoy sex much, i thought of it as a fun passtime at best. my wife on the other hand absolutely loved sex. several years later and lots and lots of experimenting, talking, awkward monents and learning, i absolutely love sex as well. we actually have sex far more often now then we did before we got married. considering we only knew each other for a total of 27 days before we got married, and we had been having sex for only a week, i really dont think it has anything to do with it. it wasnt my "cup of tea" at the time. it certainly is now.


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## Crimsyn (Dec 4, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Have you told your H how you feel? Have you told him what your mistakes were in the marriage?


No, not really. We are in that "limbo" stage at the moment and I am trying to avoid talking about any of our problems so I don't upset him. I'm working on the 180 Method... and upsetting him is the last thing I want to do right now. But I do indeed on having that conversation with him when he is completely ready to discuss US.




Enchantment said:


> You said that after you were married the sex went from good, to great, to ... nothing. What kinds of things were going on during the transition from great to nothing? There was likely more than just the waiting for sex involved would be my guess.
> 
> _“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” ~ Fulton Oursler _
> 
> ...


I really have no clue how things went from great to nothing. I've pondered this very thing so much. I suppose there may be a few reasons... busy & stress from our jobs. After our marriage, I was going through a weird stage in my life... depression of sorts. During sex, I would randomly get thoughts of my mother's passing. Weird, I know. But very frustrating... I guess I eventually stopped trying to have sex all together because of this. It made me feel sick. I had a lot going on at this time... and I wish I would have gotten counseling like I know I needed. :|

And as for worrying about the past/future... so true! I have realized that I rarely ever live in the moment. This is something I am trying to change.


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## Crimsyn (Dec 4, 2011)

As'laDain said:


> before my wife and i got married, i had a very low sex drive. being an extremely intellectual type personality,(INTJ) i didnt really enjoy sex much, i thought of it as a fun passtime at best. my wife on the other hand absolutely loved sex. several years later and lots and lots of experimenting, talking, awkward monents and learning, i absolutely love sex as well. we actually have sex far more often now then we did before we got married. considering we only knew each other for a total of 27 days before we got married, and we had been having sex for only a week, i really dont think it has anything to do with it. it wasnt my "cup of tea" at the time. it certainly is now.


You know what. This kind of sounds like me... I never really enjoyed it much either. Never was really in the "mood" for sex. I wish I would have at least TRIED more often though. Because I'm sure I would have gotten to the point where I'd fully enjoy it too. I am glad to hear though that you are at that point!


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Waiting for sex until marriage is usually never a good idea.

Most couples who chose to wait until marriage never get into the nitty gritty conversations of sex BECAUSE they don't want to be tempted and then once married, many realize sex really sucks with that person.

I don't recommend it. At all. Not even to my children. I focus on being a mature adult and in a committed relationship, but til marriage? No way. Sex is way too important of an issue to tie yourself to marriage with someone whom you've never been sexually intimate with.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

in my opinion, what is most important is that both partners be willing to work on being better to their spouses. i had to tell my wife what i like, she had to tell me, i had to be willing to do what she likes just as she had to be willing to do what i like. neither one of us expected to be perfect. we both knew we would have to learn about each other. i think that is what is most important.

we both agreed, even at the time, that sex wasnt all that great before we got married. would you be willing to live life with someone you love even if the sex sucked? not everyone can. not even me. thats why sex is fantastic now.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Don't buy a car without giving it a good test drive. Sexual compatibility is important in marriage. Statistically, people who wait divorce more often than people who don't....take that Christian rightwingers! (OP, I'm not directing that at you!)


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## ryansdad (Dec 3, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I would not advise my son to wait until marriage to have sex at all. Sexual compatability is one of the most important issues in a marriage and it is certainly easier to break it off now if you arent compatible in the bedroom then after standing in front of your families and making vows to each other and god to stay together until death. And on top of just having sex, i would recommend living together b4 marriage because that is a chance to see how that person really is when the chips are down. If you just cant bring yourself to do that due to religous reasons, then at the very least, seek out thorough counseling so you can get as much information and your s/o can get as much info about you as well.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i for one regret not waiting for marriage.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I reject the notion that you need to actually have sex to understand your sexual compatibility. The OP described doing everything but sex for many years before marriage so they were very SEXUAL with each other. I would agree that a couple who never discussed sex very much and did nothing sexual would not have a good notion of sexuality but I would argue that a couple who got very sexual and had open discussions about their sexuality could understand each other much more than the typical couple who has sex before marriage but doesn't really open up or share. Many couples who have intercourse don't explore other things very much. It's likely that the OP and her partner have done much more than couples who 'had sex' before marriage.

Anyway, I knew my wife for about 2-3 hours before we had sex. I did not even know her full name. i don't recommend this nor would i recommend not having sex before marriage. Every relationship is different and there is no ideal plan.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I need to test drive it to make sure I can get it to go 0 to 60 in 4.3seconds.

seriously its a personal decision.

I would want to make sure we were sexually compatible. what if his penis was really small or really big. what if she had vaginnitis or some other problem.

I like to burn some rubber before I buy the car.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I see no possible benefit to waiting for marriage for sex.

I do see almost limitless possible problems because of waiting for marriage for sex.

Seems a bad wager to me.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

TroubldHusband said:


> Spontaneity is almost always a good thing, from a man's perspective. If I came home from work at 6am (I worked nights the last 2 years or so) and my wife woke me up by climbing on top of me an hour after I fell asleep, the sex was amazing. It was the same thing if I came home and she called out to me from the shower that I need to hurry up and get in there with her because she had to pick the kids up from school in a little while, it was amazing. Spontaneity always makes for a lot of excitement, and goes a long way in keeping things new and fresh in your sex life.


I WISH my wife would do THAT!


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Accipiter777 said:


> I WISH my wife would do THAT!


I WISH my wife and I weren't separated right now so we could do THAT! :smthumbup:

We had a fantastic sex life together. Our issues lie completely in my temper/anger/jealousy, my verbal abuse, and my wife's inability to be completely open/honest about how she feels about it. These are all things I'm working on extremely hard to try and get my wife back on board for trying to make our marriage work. Long, rough road ahead. Hopefully she and I can work things out. I really love her and care about her, and I'm dead-set on being the person she fell in love with, not the guy who started to let his own confidence/self-esteem issues lead to the crumbling of my marriage.


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