# MEN :Please help a devastated wife



## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

My husband is in his early 40s I am in my late 20s, we got married 2 yrs ago.

I have always felt that my husband loves and cares for me and I love him more than I ever thought possible.

I lost two pregnancies early this year - made me a bit distant.

He has had depression - sex life dwindled a bit due to meds he came off the meds and we were back to our usual 4-5 times a week.

He lost a parent (only patent) a few weeks ago which was a blow to us all.

He may be loosing his job now too, and starting a new business for himself (which I have always told him to).

Then he tells me he does not love me anymore - I said I would move out (going in a couple of weeks).

He still kisses me and cuddles me and has his arms around me in bed.

I am so confused as to what is happening to my marriage and my husband.

He has said he would like to remain friends to start with and see where it goes?

I am devastated by what is going on and want to save my marriage and help my husband.

Please any advice, help, have you been through similar? please help me out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

When did he go off his mess? Could he be going through a depression again? Has he talked about "not loving you", and why he said that? Have you two tried counseling? And are you sure there's not someone else in the picture?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

HI PBear,

I am 100% there is no one else ivolved.
He just said that he did ot love me, out of no where, I sasked him why he nev mntioned it befre and he sad he did not want to upset me (can you blieve it)..
Mention counceling to which h replied that thee was no point.
He could be going through a dession again (or never cam out o fit).
He did say that he wise he did love me ??? so confused


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

His only parent just died, you lost two pregnancies and he is about to lose his job. Any one of those things could be cause for depression, but when you pile all three on, I am pretty sure it's safe to say he is depressed. 

Men often feel that their identity is closely tied to their job, so losing a job can be really traumatic for a man and I think some women don't understand the depth of that type of blow. In general, women define themselves through the quality of their relationships. Men define themselves by what they do/their work. I am speaking in generalities, but I think it applies here. He may feel like a total failure and probably fears that he will not be able to support you. 

He has also just lost the only parent he's had. He may feel adrift in the world, scared about his own mortality, and feel sad and alone. It's tough on anyone to lose a parent, but if you've only had one, it probably feels even more difficult.

Tell him to go see a psychiatrist right away to get on some meds and also have him see a psychologist for counseling. He has experienced a lot of loss and is probably deeply depressed right now. He needs your help to get him to the right resources.

People don't flick a switch and stop loving someone overnight. It just doesn't work that way. But everything you are saying points to depression. When someone is depressed, they can feel numb, hopeless, very down on themselves, etc. Someone who is deeply depressed can't help themselves often, let alone give anything to thier spouse.

So try to keep calm, trust that he loves you, but know that he needs professional help ASAP and you need to help him get it.

Sorry you are going through this!


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

Hi Laurae,
Thank you for your kind reply to y post.

I agree that he is suffringfrom depression, I have asked if he would go to see a councelor but he said no.

He can't explain why he does ot love me just that he does not?

I am moving out in 2 weeks, he came to lok at a place with me..

He has sad that he will go see a doctor in a couple of weeks ( this ll be to loat becaus I will have moved out)

I am so worrie about him and our marriage.

He even said he would like to be friends, and that h wised he loved me.

He said that he does not care about the job (I am not 100% on this) and that he wants to give his business a go.

He is not throwng me out on to the street, h is eing kind to me, he has offerdme half hs inherance.

I dn't care about the mone I want my husband.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Why are you allowing someone clearly not in their right mind to call the shots?? Put your foot down. He can't make you leave, so don't leave. 

He is being nice to you because he loves you. He just isn't coping well with his depression. He's being irrational.

I would go see a counselor for yourself to get some support and professional advice for how to deal with your husband. But don't move out unless you are done with the marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LH, why are you leaving your H when he needs you most?


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

I am not leaving my husband, My husband does not love me aymore.

He offered to leave te housebut I said that if this is what hewant's I would go.

I need hi to be in the home whe have created where I know he has everything he needs.

I love this man very much, I just don't know what else to do


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

He loves you, he is too ashamed of his failures to expose you to them, he thinks he is doing a favor to you by letting you go because he knows he has let you down, if you love him tell him you aren't going anywhere, if he needs to leave let him leave.


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

I wish he did, I have told him that I love him and will go because I want him tbe happy.
He has not failed in aything in my eyes, I married him I love him.
I can't let him leave, I know he is safe here in our house.
Thank you for the reply it is very comfoting to me that someone is actually reading my posts. x


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Stop listening to his words and start hearing his actions. He is hurt badly, everything he has lost feels like a failure in HIS eyes and he has already projecting the failure of his marriage. Sorry but each one of the things you listed (your two miscarriages, his job, his parent and his looming marital breakdown) is a man's entire identity. He should be seeking help from professionals right now, I can't imagine how I would cope if I was about to lose all those things in a close time frame, I certainly wouldn't want to subject my W to my personal torment would probably just want to be left alone in a dimly lit room for the rest of my life... until I could find my center again, until someone who loved me would give me a lifeline of unwavering approval. Tell him what you just wrote, that in your eyes he hasn't failed anything, that you will never leave him because you love him.


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

Thank you Lon,

If I had been readng this I would agree with you a 100%.
I have told my husband that I love him and have been up beat and supportive of his new business to try and show him that I think he can do well.

I have told him that I want him to be happy and that is the only reason I agree to go, because he wants me to.

He knows I want to be with him, and he is saying that he does not love me but like I said he is still kind to me, half his inheratance, still holds me in bed and kisses me fo rno reason (so confused).

I know he has been through a lot but he was not alone, I was with him and his parent when they passed away, I suffered through IVF twice only to loose the babies that I wanted more than anything, but I still choose to be there for him, and he was there for me too after I lost our babies.

I am not resentful about his depession but I have not had the best time either, All I want is my husband back (the one I married) and for him to be happy, Because of all the heart ache the IVF bought I told him that I was okay with not hving a baby so we can get on withour life. 

If you have any more ideas as to what I can do please keep them coming because I am listening to your thoughts and views.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well, not sure what to suggest, however I saw this video a couple days ago, it really meant a lot to me, (I've even seen it at some point in the past before but it didn't really hit me). I've found my mind going back to this clip many times the last few days and feeling incredibly blessed with what I got.

no arms, no legs...no worries-Nick Vujicic - YouTube


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

He has now lost his job.
Is being very loving with me made me dinner after I finished work and sat with me last night.

He said that it was time for him to stop caring so much for others and think about his business, and in the same breath he said that I would be better off without him and thanked me for trying to fight for us.??????? he is confusing the hell out of me.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

I would stay with him, tell him you are not moving out. Tell him that he may not love you, but that you love him for better or for worse for richer or for poorer in sickness and in health. I would get him to a doctor, he may be trying to get you out of the way so he can end his life. He sounds like he is disconnecting from everything. This can be a MAJOR issue. He does not want to communicate which means he is wrestling in his head about the future, and he does not see one at this point. He is talking about a business, but his head is probably not in it. 

I am not a professional, just an outside observer, but you need to get this man help...fast. Get him on meds and do your best to get him back on his feet.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I agree, professional needs to intervene, he is not just in a funk he can get himself out of. Counseling and some medication to get him grounded again.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> I agree, professional needs to intervene, he is not just in a funk he can get himself out of. Counseling and some medication to get him grounded again.


Definitely, she needs to schedule an appointment with a shrink ASAP and make sure he gets there. His ability to think rationally has almost definitely been compromised by depression. When you are not thinking clearly it is extremely difficult to recognize how you are not thinking clearly, he needs professional help.


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