# Cheating.......



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I know this topic has been covered 8,000 times and I have harshly weighed in on several of those conversations, but I have been trying to put it into words on why it is for me THEE worst thing you can do to me short of trying to murder me......so here goes.

To me it feels like two people(my spouse or significant other + her secret lover or fling)conspiring to commit a crime against me behind my back, almost like we own a bank together and you team up with someone else to crack the safe until you're finally caught! Because there is a lot of sneaking around, covering up, and backdoor planning that goes into having an affair most of the time, and the thought of someone I live with and are committed to doing a conspiracy like that behind my back - really burns me!! So if you look at it that way this is why I don't think it's possible for me to ever trust you again, and who wants to be in a marriage or relationship with someone you just can't trust again.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know what you are feeling. I have really dark moments where I feel like giving up and just walking out the door.

I then have my up moments were I see things are headed in a good direction and in a good way. I know I will never have my old wife or marriage back. It has to be something new. I know this sounds like pittiful stuff but I do pray that I can forgive and trust again.

The world is now a different place for you. You cannot even watch TV anymore with out feelings. How complacent we have become. So much infidelity and selfhishness on TV. 

In the past I would see or hear of someone cheating and I would shrug my shoulders and move on. Now I have a terrible rage and loathing for those that cheat.

Best of luck


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Get it. Pretty sure all BS do. Not only conspiring to commit, but conspiring and committing. And a big chapter of your life you are now coming to realize, as you piece it together, was all lies. In any other context it is clear you would be a fool to leave yourself exposed to anyone capable of such betrayal.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Maybe it`s my life experience but infidelity doesn`t hit me nearly as hard as it seems to have hit the vast majority of BS`s on this forum.

If my wife were to cheat it`d hurt but it certainly wouldn`t be comparable to murder or death.
Not even close.

The vast majority of relationships I`ve had involved cheating and most people I know have cheated and/or have been cheated on.

It`s simply a part of life as far as I`m concerned.

You deal with it and move on.

Because of my life experience my method of operation is to expect it and I`ve built my life around this probability as far as finances, purchases, and such.

If my wife cheated d-day would be her moving day and other than custody of our kid that would be the end of it as far as I`m concerned.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Maybe it`s my life experience but infidelity doesn`t hit me nearly as hard as it seems to have hit the vast majority of BS`s on this forum.
> 
> If my wife were to cheat it`d hurt but it certainly wouldn`t be comparable to murder or death.
> Not even close.
> ...


That seems pretty painless and clean. If it's that simple, why hang around CWI?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> That seems pretty painless and clean. If it's that simple, why hang around CWI?


I`m on TAM for other reasons but as I`ve said I have a lot of experience with infidelity and have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I see some poor soul losing themselves in self imposed delusion.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I`m on TAM for other reasons but as I`ve said I have a lot of experience with infidelity and have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I see some poor soul losing themselves in self imposed delusion.



OK. Good for you, then, that you have arranged your property and affairs around the expectation of infidelity and inevitable extrication. I can't see how I would get into or even stay in a marriage so hedged against.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> OK. Good for you, then, that you have arranged your property and affairs around the expectation of infidelity and inevitable extrication. I can't see how I would get into or even stay in a marriage so hedged against.


It seems you`re putting words in my mouth.

I have also arranged my property and affairs around the expectation of death, disaster, and rainy days but that doesn`t mean I "know" a hurricane is going to come along and wipe me out.

All I`m saying is I`ve been cheated on before, many times.
It`s very possible I`ll be cheated on again therefore I`ve made allowances for the possibility.

My wife being unfaithful would be painful and messy but it wouldn`t even come close to the examples in the OP for me(death).
It`s part of life whether you choose to believe it or not.

I also know I wouldn`t dwell on it much longer than it took me to end the relationship.
I`ve done this before.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> OK. Good for you, then, that you have arranged your property and affairs around the expectation of infidelity and inevitable extrication. I can't see how I would get into or even stay in a marriage so hedged against.


It most likely make for a stronger marriage because there's no fear of losing it. And either party knows they stay in the marriage because they want to.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> Get it. Pretty sure all BS do. Not only conspiring to commit, but conspiring and committing. And a big chapter of your life you are now coming to realize, as you piece it together, was all lies. In any other context it is clear you would be a fool to leave yourself exposed to anyone capable of such betrayal.


Odd how in the post before me you pretty much agree with what I posted yet you seem to be a bit miffed that I posted it.

All I`ve done is made sure I`m not "exposed to anyone capable of such betrayal"

My experience tells me "everyone" is capable of such betrayal.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm not miffed. I agree the betrayal of infidelity is massive and fundamental. It had just seemed to me that you weighed in to say infidelity is more likely than not and I have prepared my life into a the chute I can pull when it happens. Maybe that was a misread. My view of marriage is that it is commitment to another and you have to go without a net or there is no point in going at all. That remains my view having experienced what I never imagined I would. What I do about experience is another matter.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

aug said:


> It most likely make for a stronger marriage because there's no fear of losing it. And either party knows they stay in the marriage because they want to.


Maybe. If so, that calls for more maturity and emotional evolution than I have acheived. To me, it looks like incredible instability and one foot out the door; you make the decision every day in every moment to stay married or not to. I don't take much comfort or warmth from the thought. Not even in the realization that on that view every moment a spouse remains in companionship is affirmation. It's affirmation without commitment. What is marriage without commitment?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Maybe it`s my life experience but infidelity doesn`t hit me nearly as hard as it seems to have hit the vast majority of BS`s on this forum.
> 
> If my wife were to cheat it`d hurt but it certainly wouldn`t be comparable to murder or death.
> Not even close.
> ...


Wow that's crazy, because I have never cheated and I can probably name off 20 more married people that I know personally who haven't done it either.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

tacoma said:


> It seems you`re putting words in my mouth.
> 
> I have also arranged my property and affairs around the expectation of death, disaster, and rainy days but that doesn`t mean I "know" a hurricane is going to come along and wipe me out.
> 
> ...


Tacoma, you're known for taking pretty draconian stances (at least to me), but it's pretty clear this is because of your multiple experiences of being cheated on, I get that.

But let me guess, the first time it happened to you, it wasn't so cut and dried, was it? You've gotten to that point now, but for those going through it for the first time, it's often not that simple. I would think that if I got cheated on for the, say, 5th time, it wouldn't hurt as much and I would be quicker on the trigger to end the relationship also. Might make for an interesting study.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

tacoma said:


> .
> 
> All I`m saying is I`ve been cheated on before, many times.
> It`s very possible I`ll be cheated on again therefore I`ve made allowances for the possibility.
> ...


You're immune to cheating and you've gotten used to it now.
It's horrible when you say you've been cheated on many times and that's why being cheated on again wouldn't cause you that much of a pain, at least not the same amount of pain as if it was the first time. 

_As far as I know_, I haven't been cheated on but I've always said to myself that I can endure being mistreated or even the verbal/physical abuse but I don't know if I'd be able to cope with cheating. To me it sounds HORRIBLE.
I don't know if I'd be able to live anymore knowing my SO has cheated on me.
I hope I will never have to find out what I'd do.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

It's quite obvious that cheating is acceptable or forgive-worthy to some and totally forbidden by others; and I have told my wife or anyone else that I've been with that I would much rather have you say I'm a jerk and break things off, then to sneak around plotting and scheming to have sex with someone else behind my back like a bank robber and carrying on a total charade.

Everyone has that ULTIMATE thing someone could do to you that would be unforgiveable and something you couldn't ever get past, and mine happens to be cheating and it will never be tolerated or forgiven by me on any level with any person.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Everyone has what they consider a deal breaker. There's no shame in walking away from a marriage due to infidelity, by the same token, there's no shame in trying to R. Everyone's different. R isn't for everyone. 

With that said, having been cheated on by my ex-wife and divorcing her, I promised myself that if this one cheated on me, I would divorce her, no questions asked. Yet here I am. My personal deal breaker is a PA. That's my personal line in the sand because I would never get over the mind movies just like the first wife. It's difficult enough trying to recover from her EA. 

For others, it's different.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

First of all, why is this in CWI?? You are not experiencing infidelity. We know you don't get how some of us can reconcile, we don't need you to keep telling us over and over.

Secondly, I think that you really want your wife to cheat so you can divorce her.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Well I tried reading and comprehending those posts above this one but I d-o-n-t read morris code, and have no idea what you all were talking about - lol.


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