# Not sure what to do anymore



## stars and rockets (Oct 14, 2010)

First and foremost, this is going to be long.
I've been married for 12 years and have 2 kids - an 11 year old and a 10 year old. My marriage has been very rocky the last 2 years. My husband has a temper and just goes off on me for the littlest things. A good example is what just happend a few minutes ago. He mentioned a day ago that the cable company is coming between 5-7pm to fix our cable. I acknowledged it at the time. Today, I mentioned I need to get a haircut and was thinking I had flexibility for the most part today regarding the timing of the appointment. That just set him off. He went off and said that he told me that cable was coming between 5-7pm and that I can't go at that time. He then told me I was an inconsiderate b*tch and that I am disrespecting him for not remembering things that he tells me. This went on and on for 10 mintues before I finally just went into another room and just closed the door. He then tells me "Oh here you go again, sticking your head in the sand! You're a f-ing idiot!" This is one example, but name any situation where "fill in the blank" and he finds a way to say that I'm disrespecting him, then he feels justified in disrespecting me.
He has no patience and is quick to jump down my throat over every little thing. Then he complains that I ignore him and that I'm not intimate with him. I have zero.. and I mean ZERO desire for him sexually. I don't have any desire to hug him or kiss him. I don't find comfort in being hugged my him. Even if things settle down and we get along for a few days or even a few weeks, I just don't feel any desire for him. Then he tells me it must be something wrong with ME and that I need to go find a doctor and find the female version of viagra (which doesn't exist). 
I know he is verbally abusive to me, but I tolerate it. I feel I have to. I remember being younger and thinking "I would never tolerate any crap from any man", but of course, life is simpler if it's just you and the other person - I didn't have any children. It isn't about money because I have a good job and make enough money to support myself and the kids if I needed to, although it would be tight.
I can't stand the thought of breaking up my family. My husband travels a lot and I have had the taste of being a single parent, but only 2 weeks at a time, and let me tell you - it sucks. Trying to juggle a full-time demanding job, pickup and dropoff of kids at school, then daycare, then any sports or other activiites they do. I do not have much support from my extended family (if at all) and I do not have any support system in place. I wouldn't even know how to establish one that is reliable and one that I can trust. 
I'm selfish enough to not want to live the life of a single parent. I don't think I can handle it over the long term without a support system I can lean on repeatedly and dependably without guilt or any other baggage that comes with asking for repeated favors from people.
I'm selfish enough to want my children to have their father in thier lives full-time, even if it means that I tolerate verbal abuse and cry every other day. My children love their dad, and want him in their lives.
But, I'm also selfish enough to want a man in my life that would be kind, speak kindly to me even if I forget something. Someone who doesn't blow a gasket because I spent the time cleaning the house, but left the laundry (folded) in a basket but not put away.
I find myself being pulled between my desire to keep my family intact and at the same time my sanity and preservation of happiness. I just don't know what to do anymore. 
My children ask if daddy and I are getting divorced and I tell them I'm trying to get along with him and work things out, but there are times when I feel that I don't know.
The scary part is, is that we recently moved across the country (for my job - it was a relcoation) and I'm on the verge of withdrawing a very sizeable amount of money from one of my investment accounts to put a downpayment for a house. My kids just changed schools after moving (we're living in a hotel right now, so you can image how crazy things are right now) so this was a difficult adjustment for them at their age, and I want this house because it keeps my kids in the same schools, taking the same bus, etc. But, I also feel uneasy at the thought of doing this because if (and that is a big if) I do decide to move foward with a formal separation and/or divorce at some point, I'll need that money. To be honest, I'll probably go through with the house, because it stabalizes a home for my kids, and that benefits them in their immediate future, and that is in my control. But I fantasize that I'll use that money to divorce my husband, and buy a small condo that I can afford on my own and live there with my children. Where I can always handle both kids and their needs with school, childcare, sports, dance, etc. and know that they're happy and content while successfully managing a full-time job with a long commute. It's quite the fantasy!

I just feel lost sometimes as to what I should do.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

You are living my life. Only, I have two step-children that I have raised and view as my own, and my husband has been physically abusive on several occasions in the past. There has been no physical abuse in about three years now, and after a 10-month long separation, he does really call me any names anymore. The problem is that he thinks that physically harming me and calling me names was all he needed to change. He still questions everything I do, sort of like a micromanager, and plays mental games with me. Seems like nothing, huh? Well, to me what he is doing to me is more than something. I don't feel like much has changed. He makes me question my own judgement and memories at times. 

I know how you feel. You feel like you can't do anything right. You are constantly re-evaluating yourself to make sure that you are not the problem.

I want to tell you that you are not the problem. He absolutely is the problem.

I also know that unsure feeling of leaving. It is so scary. I fantasized so much about being on my own, and having control of my own life. A life where the only opinion that mattered was my own. A life where my husband did not govern my every move. I cannot even make plans with my family or friends without consulting with him. My husband even tells me that by spending quality time with my mother (not even once a week) that I am neglecting him. Anytime I mention having to go see my mother, he wants to know when I am going and when I am coming home. I am afraid to see my mother for more than an hour or two at a time, and am afraid to tell him that I will be longer than that. I miss my family and friends.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know you hurt. Even after expressing to my husband everything he has done to me and leaving him for 10-months, I have returned home only to still feel scared and unhappy.

I will stay in touch with you. I will try to be there for you. Please, PM me if you need someone to talk to privately.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Stars and Rockets,

Please, tell me how you are doing. Are you okay?


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