# After an Affair



## n'needofhope (Sep 4, 2013)

It has been 6 months since I caught my wife cheating, we meet with a Marrage Counseler but it still seems that any time I tell her how much I have been hurt by this she becomes angry and defensive. I just want to know has anyone ever really rebuilt a Marrage after a wife cheats on them?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

n'needofhope said:


> It has been 6 months since I caught my wife cheating, we meet with a Marrage Counseler but it still seems that any time I tell her how much I have been hurt by this she becomes angry and defensive. I just want to know has anyone ever really rebuilt a Marrage after a wife cheats on them?


There are several people here who have been through Reconciliation. It is not easy but could be worth it if BOTH parties are willing to give it their best effort.

If she is mad and defensive then she is NOT being truly remorseful and your marriage is doomed. I have to let you know that MC usually aren't very good. So many of them do not know how to cope with infidelity. That is a huge problem. Listen to the folks here and check out the thread on reconciliation. It is hard but it is ok.

Your wife has to do the heavy lifting or it will be doom for your marriage. She needs to step up here and really so do you. I am sorry you are here brother. Be strong.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Need,

You are 6 months out... 4+ years ago I was in your shoes. 

Repeat to yourself... She Cheated on our vows, She Forfeited her voice in our marriage, She through away any and all rights to decisions concerning "us". She has no power or control on me for the rest of my life, her unfaithfulness forfeited all that was or will ever be. Her adultery, her willingness to give herself to another while married to you will haunt her for the remainder of her life. NEVER FORGET THIS REALITY!

Now have the courage to tell her this.

Do You Get It?

I read your post about how she is defensive and angry. You are not her whipping post. If she has any desire to R, then it should be on your terms not hers.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

she is angry she has to relive what she did

you have had to live through it

if she truly wants to win you back

these are the hurdles 

she don't like the hurdles? she shouldn't have cheated


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

What were the consequences?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Getting angry and defensive is a sign of an unremorseful spouse.

Remorse is an unconditional prerequisite for a successful reconciliation. Unfortunately, you can't MAKE your spouse feel remorse.

Waiting for remorse to come will add to the resentment and mistrust you have over the betrayal. Speaking from experience. My WS is now remorseful but he wasn't for an excruciatingly long time and it hurt me a lot.

I use knife analogies a lot on here but here goes another one.

An unremorseful wayward is like someone that stabs you, then wonders why you're bleeding and also gets angry at you for reminding them that they were the one to use the knife. 

So while it can come later, it's painful every second that it's not there. It almost feels like another betrayal in itself. I don't advise holding your breath in hopes that it will come later because sometimes it never does.


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Give this to your wife to read.....

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why would she get angry? Perhaps she might be angry with herself for the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How did you find out ? What were the circumstances ? How long was the affair ? 

The answers to the above can shed light on whether she is truly sorry or just sorry she got caught.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

n'needofhope said:


> It has been 6 months since I caught my wife cheating, we meet with a Marrage Counseler but it still seems that any time I tell her how much I have been hurt by this she becomes angry and defensive. I just want to know has anyone ever really rebuilt a Marrage after a wife cheats on them?


NNOH

Tell us more about your background, the affair and where you think the two of you are as far as your marriage.

HM


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

After the house has burned down you have to decide whether to stay and rebuild or to move out and move on.

Some of us stay and try to rebuild and are successful, some try but ultimately fail due to the truth not being known fully or the damage was just too severe to be recovered from.

Do you want to share your story so we can try to be a bit more help for you?

6 months is not so long, I still wonder whether it is worth keeping on everyday and I am 2yrs out.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your wife sounds selfish and unremorseful. 

Are you sure reconciliation is the best path for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

This short easy to read book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, is available at the link above for reading free online. But I ordered a hard copy and highlighted parts I especially wanted my husband to read and then gave it to him.

It really helps unfaithful spouses to "get it" because most of them really don't. We can't begin to heal until they truly get our pain and truly begin to empathize with us. I highly recommend it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Wideopn Dave has posted what I gave my wife in 2012. She read it then discarded it and did nothing. I found out she never ended the A. When my wife repented and came clean in April 2013 I gave this to her again. She read it, highlighted portions of it and keeps it in her Bible. She got it and understands it. In 2012 she could care less about me and I now see she was all about the XOM.

1. Personally I would recommend ending MC. She is not ready for it and right now it seems all one sided. 
2. The anger and defensivness is a hugh sign that she is not remorseful and it is still all about her selfishness.
3. Start the 180.
4. Start distancing yourself from her. I suspect you look pathetic to her. Many of us have been where you are and have done the very same thing. In your case, like mine in 2012, it does not work.
5. You have to be willing to end this marriage in order to have any chance of saving it. And it may well end the marriage, but in just ths few sentences you have written she is not in the marriage and is not into you.
6. If you really want to see a change, then file for divorce and mean it.
7. I have been through false R, most folks on TAM saw it for what it was, and I kept on, and in hindsight I was pathetic. I am now in real R, but I had started the paperwork for D and I meant it and then my wife repented and came clean.
8. R is not for the feint of heart. It takes courage and wisdom to navigate it. To some you will look like a fool if you attempt R after what your wife has done to you. But the decision to R or D is in your hands. Right now you are not in R. YOU ARE NOT IN R. Your wife is selfish and by her emotional state of anger and defensiveness she is telling you to "F" off. When you file for D you get to tell her by your actions to "F" off.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> NNOH
> 
> Tell us more about your background, the affair and where you think the two of you are as far as your marriage.
> 
> HM


Yes, please give us the details so that we can advise you better. The more you tell us, the better that advice will be.

Also, you will likely find writing out your story to be cathartic.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Let her seek out counseling.. Let her do some heavy lifting.. 

If she wants counseling let her make the appointments.. 

Otherwise its like forcing them to go through the motions.. 

I have reconciled with my Ex wife 3x before this final last time.. Even then it was her kicking me to the curb though she had all the affairs.. 

I never realised she was doing me a favor.. I only wish she would have a left me 8 years ago after our second child was born instead of waiting so long..


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Do like my nephew did. His wife cheated and he caught her. Both wanted the marriage to work but he needed her to understand what she did.

She had a habit of blaming everyone and everything for her problems and had a stubborn streak a yard wide and a mile long. In other words, she wasn't putting a good effort in making it work.

So about 2 months later, she was at work and a man came to her work and handed her a manilla envelope and walked out. She opened it and saw divorce papers and freaked out at work. Her image was tarnished. She was humiliated and embarrassed according to her. 

His reply? Too bad. You had your chance. She had a big change of heart and got a attitude change because SHE NEVER THOUGHT THAT HE WOULD GO THAT FAR.

Just food for thought. You can always cancel the divorce but you can send a strong message that you wont put up with bad behavior.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

6301 said:


> Do like my nephew did. His wife cheated and he caught her. Both wanted the marriage to work but he needed her to understand what she did.
> 
> She had a habit of blaming everyone and everything for her problems and had a stubborn streak a yard wide and a mile long. In other words, she wasn't putting a good effort in making it work.
> 
> ...


I like your nephew


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Look
She is either sorry she cheated, or sorry she got caught
She definitely sounds like she is sorry she got caught, she is unremorseful for hurtung and betraying you
MOST are sorry they got caught, and some enter the R fog and are able to R...


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

6301 said:


> Do like my nephew did. His wife cheated and he caught her. Both wanted the marriage to work but he needed her to understand what she did.
> 
> She had a habit of blaming everyone and everything for her problems and had a stubborn streak a yard wide and a mile long. In other words, she wasn't putting a good effort in making it work.
> 
> ...


Great story...and although I like how he snapped her out of her delusions, I gotta ask:

Do you (in general, not the member I quoted )
WANT to remain married to someone who only does the right thing when faced with divorce???

IMO...If I was to even consider R...I shouldnt HAVE to use threats and ultimatums to get her on board...oh i totally agree with exposure, letting the AP's family know, the 180, but if she hesitates or drags her feet and I serve, its too late...imo


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Miss Taken said:


> Getting angry and defensive is a sign of an unremorseful spouse.
> 
> Remorse is an unconditional prerequisite for a successful reconciliation. Unfortunately, you can't MAKE your spouse feel remorse.
> 
> ...


I'm with miss taken on this.... It's been two years since my husband had an emotional affair that I only believe was only an EA because I had no proof it went physical. Anyways, two years later and I'm so over it that I'm leaving him... He shows no remorse and any apology he has given is used as toilet paper because its forced during an argument.... I'm two years out yet I'm still stuck, make your stance clear and stick to it or I see your future being like mine. I didn't listen, I didn't follow the advice here, you hold the power in your hands and she must abide by your rules, she doesn't like it, too bad, she should not have strayed!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Wideopn Dave has posted what I gave my wife in 2012. She read it then discarded it and did nothing. I found out she never ended the A. When my wife repented and came clean in April 2013 I gave this to her again. She read it, highlighted portions of it and keeps it in her Bible. She got it and understands it. In 2012 she could care less about me and I now see she was all about the XOM.
> 
> 1. Personally I would recommend ending MC. She is not ready for it and right now it seems all one sided.
> 2. The anger and defensivness is a hugh sign that she is not remorseful and it is still all about her selfishness.
> ...


WO Dave and Thorburn have given A+ advice

when I walked away from my X, I don't know if she cheated

it didn't matter, I was through. She wanted us to remain M,

live together but do our own thing. I dropped the D. She didn't 

like it. You must ask yourself, if you are willing to forgive her

actions. I am much less forgiving than most but I hold myself

accountable 100% of the time. Do you think you can never get

past this? A R can last 6 months, 2 years, 4 years... until you

are past it, you are still in a R. If she feels you have to just get 

over it and forgive / forget..... that is a red flag size of Russia

I wish you the best either way


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

OP, in my case, I was married to an unrepentant serial cheater who blamed all and sundry for her despicable behaviour. I divorced her even though I was still prepared to try to save my marriage.

As I have put more distance and time between her and I, more and more skeletons have come out her closet.......

Bottom line, if she is not remorseful or at the very least prepared to accept that what she did was wrong, PERIOD, then chances are reconciliation will not work.

My ex wife "threw herself under the bus" to protect her affair partner from being sued by me for alienation of affection (in SA law this is possible).....

I (like many on this forum) have been where you are know.....everyone is different and every situation is different. My relationship was 23yrs old and my marriage 19yrs in.....perhaps that made the pill all that more bitter to swallow???

I wish the very best of luck in whichever path you choose.....both are very difficult but in my case, I realise divorce was the only outcome that made sense in the end.....


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

To answer your original question, yes it is possible to successfully R. I have done it, and so have many others here. I have no regrets. The only thing is my wife has never been angry or impatient with me for asking questions, being depressed or anything that comes with what's happened. She has been nothing but hurt and remorseful for what's she's done. THIS has lead me to wanting to let it go. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to hurt her anymore. I only bring it up when I really have to (like when we saw the POSOM in Wal+Mart). Don't know what I'd do if she wasn't like this, I honestly don't.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

There are two possible reasons why she is angry and defensive, either she is deeply ashamed and guilty and doesn't want to face what she has done, or more likely, she resents you for spoiling her fun and is possibly still in her affair. 
Truly remorseful spouses do not become angry and defensive. She's pissed off at something!


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Well of course she's angry and defensive, you stopped the affair and ended her fantasy world. Awwwwwwww gee, what a shame! We know very little about you two. Kids? Many years dating and married? Family situations? Are you ready to end this marriage if she doesn't show any remorse? I guess the answers are all up to you. There are a lot of really great people on this site who can give you good advice if you let them.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

n'needofhope said:


> It has been 6 months since I caught my wife cheating, we meet with a Marrage Counseler but it still seems that any time I tell her how much I have been hurt by this she becomes angry and defensive. I just want to know has anyone ever really rebuilt a Marrage after a wife cheats on them?


Yes but it isn't easy at all. I'm only 11 months into it and I still have doubt and thoughts every day. But the single thing that kept me around was not what she said or done after the fact, its the actual change that I see in her. My gut and thoughts are the only thing I trust right now so I value them the most. 

One thing about the counselors, this is only my opinion but I think they serve a better purpose to head off adultery before it happens, not so much after the fact. I found the counselor to be absolutely neutral, didn't really apply to my situation as I was hoping to have a third party tell her she was out of her mind, that wasn't gonna happen, I took care of that though.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

n'needofhope said:


> It has been 6 months since I caught my wife cheating, we meet with a Marrage Counseler but it still seems that any time I tell her how much I have been hurt by this she becomes angry and defensive. I just want to know has anyone ever really rebuilt a Marrage after a wife cheats on them?


Not with a wife like yours. You are hurting and she gets angry at you in a cold b!tch like manner?

Why would you want a cold hearted POS like that for a wife? There are better women out there.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

n'needofhope said:


> It has been 6 months since I caught my wife cheating, we meet with a Marrage Counseler but it still seems that any time I tell her how much I have been hurt by this she becomes angry and defensive. I just want to know has anyone ever really rebuilt a Marrage after a wife cheats on them?


She has a cheek. 
And there is no defence for cheating. 
Her arrogance by getting angry at YOU seems to be a common trait among cheaters. 
R is hard at the best of times but if she continues with this tack she leaves you no choice but to divorce her. 
Do provide some back story - her anger may be due to the fact that she still wants to be with OM.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

she isn't sorry she boned OM

she is sorry she got caught


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

6301 said:


> Do like my nephew did. His wife cheated and he caught her. Both wanted the marriage to work but he needed her to understand what she did.
> 
> She had a habit of blaming everyone and everything for her problems and had a stubborn streak a yard wide and a mile long. In other words, she wasn't putting a good effort in making it work.
> 
> ...


I can't LIKE this enough!

It may all be for not as the OP hasn't logged in since 2-28...


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Don't waste anymore of your time trying to FIX this. You can't and won't if you do not feel she is truly sorry for what she did. Deep down you know she is only sorry for getting caught. I know you think to yourself that you have to try everything you can to save this. There is no saving if you have that empty feeling deep inside. You know what I am talking about. 

I wasted 4 years on this crap. I should have divorced as soon as I found out. But I had to know and prove to myself that I tried everything I could to save this life. It will not work if only one person feels that way. My wife was only sorry for getting caught.

Reverse metamorphisis- Marrying a butterfly that turns into a worm.


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