# Painfull discovery



## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

Can someone help me? I met my wife in the summer of 1985. We dated for about 1 1/2 year when she came to me and told me she was pregnaunt. I was scared but happy at the same time because I was having my first child and with a person who I loved very much. We got married on May 2nd 1987. In Sept of that same year my daughter was born. Adaptting to marrige and a new baby was ruff but we managed to get threw it. In 1994 we had our 2nd daughter.Once my first daughter reached the age of 20 ,she started becomming very dificult and disrespectfull to me. She quit college and started to hang around bad people. She moved out and thats when my life changed. Someone told my daughter that I may not be her dad. That my wife was cheating on me when I was dating her and that someone else could be her dad. So she took it upon herself to locate this guy,( a freind of mine) and he did addmit to the afairs. They took a DNA test and discovered that he and not me is her dad. After 21 years of marrige i discover that i am not her father. I am devestated! My wife says she thought it was mine and she did not pursue it any further. I was dupped! It turns out my wife was cheating on me since the day we were dating till almost 3 years after my daughter was born. She confessed to me. She claims that she and her lover never talked or even thought that the baby could have been his and not mine. I do not believe that. There was plenty of times when I was home with my daughter while she was out cheating on me with my daughters true father. She says shes sorry but I am having a hard time dealing with it. Since all this broke out my daughter has been in contact with her newly discovered father and has abanded me. I am hurt because I feel I gave her the world and more. My 2nd daughter is great to me and I have no problems with her. Shes awsome in every way. I believe my wife is remorsfull and repented but I am so hurt. Not a day goes by that I do not think of all the betrayell. In my 22 years of marrige, she has been a great wife for the past 16 years. Other then the betrayell that she did ,I have no complaints of her. But I am so hurt by it all that I do not no how to continue in this marrige. Note: I have never cheated on her! Its hard for me to leave her because I feel she is really sorry for whatshe did and I still feel I love her. But I can not stop thinking of the betrayell before my marrige and to have continued to cheat almost 3 years after. I do not think I can ever forget this and it hurts on a daily bases. I do not want it to afect my 2nd daughter who I love very much. She is aware of everything and she says that what ever my desicion is, she will support. I feel dupped and I am in pain. A part of me says divorce her and another says forgive and forget. But it is very hard to forgive and to forget. Please help.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Look at it this way. If your wife now treats you well, why bother to break it up only to end up with someone less pleasant. Your pride is hurt, but she does sound genuine remorseful. The part about not realising the kid could be his seems strange, but perhaps they always used contraception, or did not have sex very often.

What sort of women is your wife now? Is she kind and loving?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow im so sorry for what you are going through. i would never forgive my H if he ever did something like that to me. you need to get some counseling. i just hope you remember that although your daughter is estranged right now, she has a lot going on for her too, and she will come around. she's just confused and has some growing pains to go through. there's a lot of time for healing your relationship with your daughter. just give her her space and let her come back around on her terms.


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## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

My wife is very loving and caring for the past 16 years. But she defitnitly was having unprotected sex and for many years before and after my marrigge. I have been with her a total of 24 years. She stop the affair with the true father of my daughter 17 years ago. Her cheating was no accident. And now I find that the baby was never mine. Its killing me inside. I love her but I hate what she did to me. I have been going to a therapist but it has not helped. The hurt is huge.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The marriage you had is no longer the marriage you have. You will either have a new marriage or no marriage. The woman you love now is not the woman you loved. you will have to love her like a new woman. There is only one choice. Go or stay. It is entirely up to what you can or can't live with.

It is a very difficult decision. It would be easy if she remained a cheater. But apparently she changed. My only advice is, make her take a polygraph to insure that she is no longer lying to you. Then make your decision.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> The marriage you had is no longer the marriage you have. You will either have a new marriage or no marriage. The woman you love now is not the woman you loved. you will have to love her like a new woman. There is only one choice. Go or stay. It is entirely up to what you can or can't live with.


You almost got it right. The marriage you thought you had never was. The woman you thought you loved never existed.

If you are to stay with the woman that she really is, then you have to get to know her.

I feel sad for you and your eldest daughter. See, she is your daughter despite the tragic circumstances of her beginning.

If you bonded to her and she to you then you have to put aside your wounded pride and fight to retrieve her. She is likely as upset as you are. UNLESS your wife told her of her parentage a long time ago in secret.

Something I doubt. Many pregnant women (at least 10%) have children by lovers other than their husbands while married.

A sad statistic, but there it is.

Your wife is a piece of work. be careful in getting to know her. Her capacity for deceit is pretty evolved.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I agree she is still your daughter not his. You raised her and gave her your values. I am so sorry your wife cheated but the truth is the world has allot of cheaters in it. I believe God put all kinds of people on this planet because from every relationship we grow from them. Dont be scared of the choices you are faced with at this point in life. No matter what choice you make no one gets out alive anyways. You can run from this problem and make a new life and start over or you can deal with the cards in front of you and play them the best you can. I a firm believer that God wants us to play with the cards we are dealt. We were not given a fair planet. Bad things happen to good people. The question is do you have enough love in you to accept what you have been delt?

check out this book it may help you it sure helped me!

Healing Wounded Emotions: Overcoming ... - Google Book Search


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

osvaldo1321 said:


> Its killing me inside. I love her but I hate what she did to me. I have been going to a therapist but it has not helped. The hurt is huge.


My therapists never helped me much either. sometimes there's no way out of the pain. sometimes you just have to go through it to get out of it.


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## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

My daughter calls her sperm doner dad when she needs something and has not seen or contacted me in over 3 months. To me thats low. I have done nothing but spoil her since the day she was born. She totaly threw me under the bus! As for my wife, she continues to express how sorry she is and please give her another chance. She says that what she did was years ago and that she is totaly repentive for what she did. She cries alot and I feel bad for her. There is a part of me that wants to walk away from this marrige but there is also a part of me that does not want to hurt her. And I know that if I do Divorce her she will be hurt and devestated. Almost all my life with her I worry more about her feelings then my own. I love her but I feel so hurt and depressed that I just do not know if I should stay or go.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

give your oldest daughter time, she needs time and she will come around, just try and love her when she is around. She feels betrayed and hurt, it is misdirected at you, she will come back.

It is up to you to forgive your wife, no one else can do this.

What about your youngest daughter, did you get a DNA test for her? I would.

I think you should do what is best for the youngest daughter.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need space. Is there a friend or someone in your family you can stay with? A separation for a period of time so you can gain some perspective? Don't chase your daughter she may not call for months. My son is my son, and he copped an attitude and didn't call me for 6 months. His mother freaked. But since then she gained a new perspective of her son and realizes that kids can be very manipulative like anyone else. Your daughter is looking for some kind of payout or wants to use her bio against you. Sorry to say, but your daughter is heartless. You may have to adjust your expectation of her.


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

You need some time away from your wife to let the hurt settle and make an intelligent decision about all of this. You are in too much pain to decide whether to stay or end it this marriage. She also needs to see and feel how this continued deception completely destroyed your life up to this point. Notice I say "up to this point", because now your life starts anew.

I think in this situation a seperation is in order. One, to give you time to heal, and two to give you a new perception on things.
Since this happened long ago, and she is no longer involved in this, or any other affairs, then I don't think it really matters if you or your wife moves out. But one of you should.
If you haven't began counseling, then do so. Both you and your wife need IC and joint MC.
In any repect, whether you decide to stay married, or divorce, your first thoughts should be of YOU. Do what's best for YOU, not your wife, not your "daughter".
Good luck and God bless


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## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

Yes I tried counsoling but It has not worked. As far as my youngest daughter. Yes I had a DNA test and she is mine. Thank you to all of you who have been responding to my issues. Below I am going to share a letter I wrote yesterday: This is my life.
My feelings after discovering my first child was not mine.
I felt hurt, betrayed, confused, lost, scared, angry, mad, disappointed, disgusted, duped, deceived, and, suicidal. I have since recovered from my suicidal thoughts thanks to my daughter Dee who I love so much and has made me see life in a different way. I will never let her down! People who do a stupid thing like that are selfish people with no feelings but their own. I have never had a selfish bone in my body! Now that I got that out of my mind, I am still dealing with the rest of my feelings. I feel so hurt to know that my wife was cheating on me while we were going out and engaged. I thought I found the nicest girl in the planet. Little did I know she was not. She was having a sexual affair with another guy while being my girlfriend. She became pregnant and came to me with the news. As she was telling me the news that she was pregnant while crying , I comforted her and told her not to worry that I would support her in every way and that we could get married earlier than planned so that the baby could be born in the marriage. I stepped up to the plate not knowing that she was having sex with another man for the longest time. She did not come clean with that fact. She made a selfish decision to keep quiet about her affair. She should have known the possibilities that I could not have been the father of that baby that was growing in her body. Mean while me not knowing who I truly was involved with , I was scared and happy that I was having my first child with a person I truly loved. I confronted her parents about her being pregnant and I took everything on the chin from them. I took full responsibility for what I thought was my mistake. I loved her. We got married on May 2nd 1987. I struggled big time before the wedding to get the apartment and furnisher due to the fact that I was tight with money. But I did it. When we got married, we went to our own place. The baby was born in Sept, 25 1987. It’s a Girl! At the beginning of our marriage it was ruff. My wife and I had different ways of thinking so we argued a lot. But threw it all, I loved that woman. Little did I know she continued to have an affair with the same guy even after my marriage and after the baby was born. It turns out she continued to have sex with this guy for the next couple of years after the birth of my daughter. She claims that she never spoke to this guy of the possibility of this baby being his and not mines even though they were the only one who knew of the sex they were having. She tells me she had no feelings for this guy and that’s why she thought the baby was mine. She’s having sex with this guy before and during my marriage for a couple of years but she has no feelings? I DO NOT believe that for one second! The following years were ruff but we managed to stay together. Now looking back I believe the fact that she did not love or respect me had a lot to do with our arguments. I thought it was just getting use to each other the reason for our arguments. Not So! Fast forward to 1994 and now we are having our second child. It’s a Girl! I am the happiest man on the planet! I can say that after the birth of Dee, my relationship with my wife became great. From that time till 2008 I have no complaints of my marriage. Little did I know a BOMB SHELL was about to explode! In July, 2008 my first child moved out of my house in a disgruntled way. She had a problem with rules, guidance and respect towards me, her dad. While she was out on her own she must have been talking about how bad of a father I am (her opinion) to her to friends and that’s when her so called friend told her that I might not be her father. That there was a rumor that my wife was cheating on me when we were going out and that someone else could be her father. My so called daughter who now is 20 years old took that rumor and investigated it. It turns out the rumor was true. I WAS NOT HER FATHER. I never knew anything! My disgruntled daughter could not wait to give us the news. She came over my home with my wife. I was outside washing my car when my wife says we have to talk. Something very serious with my daughter has to be discussed. The first thing that came to my mind was that she probably is pregnant. Boy was I wrong. They took me inside the house and told me that my daughter had a DNA test that revealed that I was not her father. What a Shock! Mind you that I have been battling depression for over a year due to the sudden death of my father. It turns out my wife was cheating on me for years with the same guy. Even after my marriage. There were times when I was home taking care of our daughter while she was out cheating on me with my daughter’s real father. Now I move to where I am now. I have always loved my wife even today! But I have so much pain and hurt in my heart that I do not know how to continue. I love her but I cannot seem to remove the hurt and pain I Feel. I know and believe that she is truly sorry and remorseful for what she did to me. I try to convince myself that I can forgive and forget but till this day it has not happened. There are some days that I feel good and happy and there are some days that I am sad and unhappy. My so called daughter has taken a turn for the worst and has been making the healing process difficult. She has been in touch with her new found father and has totally abandoned me. I will never accept her having communication with her new found father when he has been nothing to her all her life. She claims that I am her dad and that no man can ever replace me. But that’s all talk. I know for a fact that she has been in contact with him and that is a knife in my heart! Now the big difficulty that I have is that every time I hear or see my so called daughter; I envision the affair my wife was having with this guy. When I see her I see my wife with the other guy. I cannot seem to get that out of my mind no matter how much I try. Deep in my heart I wish I could move on like my wife says but it is easier said than done. What has been keeping me together with my wife is the fact that I still deeply love her. But I do not know if love alone can ever make me forgive and forget what has been done to me. God Help Us! 

Can the love I feel for my wife out power what the betrayal she committed on me?


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Please look into getting the book healing wonded emotions. Read it ASAP.


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

I have to admit that I have not read most of the comments to your posting. Why? I would rather respond from my heart without being swayed by what the others have written.
I agree with the one post to a point: You must find a way to get beyond your pride and remember why you chose to love this woman in the beginning of your relationship. If you do still love her, the two of you must start again & this may mean to seperate for a short while to gather thoughts and emotions so you can reconnect and go forward. If she has been a good wife for 16 years, the next 16 may be even better. We must learn that while life is complicated, it is also as simple as a heart-felt, true & honest appology and acceptance. Until you can manage to forgive her from your heart (and empty your head) allow yourself time to heal. I wish you both all the best!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Am very sorry your life has been turned upsidedown. I can only imagine your pain and your suffering is clear. You seem like a good father and husband. It was good of you to step up to the plate those many years ago and be a father to this young lady you have raised so lovingly. 

As far as your relationship with your older daughter, please give her time. She probably has many emotions regarding how she feels about her MOTHER doing what she did to you, because your daughter surely loves you and is now very confused about who her allegiances are to be to: you? her mother?. Her biological father is a novelty to her and I doubt that once the novelty wears off, that she will remain close to the man. You are her father and that will never change. You must give her a chance to get her head around all this and this may take time, because she is only 20, I have a 20 year old daughter and they are not yet "grown" totally, your daughter will need TIME from you, and for you to not change your demeanor toward her; you must remain her father. Imagine how she must feel, and I am sure you can, as you love her, it is very clear.

You have been living with a woman who clearly knew what she was doing. The evidence of this is that she was cheating and continued to do so even after the birth of the first daughter. You can look at the positive side of this deception and that is, it has allowed you 17 years of happy married and family life. You say you still love your wife and in that case you must be able to understand no one on earth is perfect, and if you can feel assured she stopped the contact and relationship with this bio dad, you may want to forgive and start clean. 

On the other hand, if it were me, I would have the inclination to verify EVERYTHING your wife has told you the last 20 years. You are in a position where your wife OWES you everything because SHE has kept secrets from you and not been honest and truthful with you all these years.

My mother did this to my father with my younger sister. My father thought my sister was his, and my mother had divorced my father when this sister was 2, but she was not his. He paid child support for 17 years for my sister and my mother confessed to my sister when my sister was 35 years old that the man my sister thought was her stepfather was actually her father (he was MY stepfather but my sister's father). 

My sister was devastated, so I can imagine your daughter is very upset and confused and grabbing at straws by doing these odd behaviors and acting out the way she is. You need to let her know you understand her feelings, and will be there for her IF and when she needs you.

I do not think my father (who is still living) knows he is not my younger sister's father, to this day. My younger sister does not treat him ANY different and still loves my father. HER actual father has died years ago - and HE knew he was her father, but my mother and he chose not to TELL anyone, and kept my father's support money for this sister all those years.

It was wrong and deceitful. I did not like my mother for the deception she did to my father (I am somewhat like your younger daughter, taking up for MY father do to the unjust situation...).

Your wife has done a terrible thing to everyone involved in your family. My condolences to you, I am very sorry this has happened. Some people just don't realize that when they HIDE and LIE what terrible things they do to others.

I wish you peace and the ability to rationally deal with all this. It is going to take time. Hang in there, please. The answers will come, and you will figure out what to do or not do.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your eldest daughter sounds very similar to my son a year ago. As young adults they feel they can do what they want, but aren't fully equipped to deal with the responsibility of living on their own. We did the same thing and when he first moved out, he treated me horribly. At first, he refused my help (although he needed it) and said some pretty horrible things. He felt I didn't care about him and was too stubborn/angry that we wouldn't just let him live with us and do whatever he wanted. He has totally changed over the last year, I believe realizing that life on his own is not so easy, and has been very mature and appreciative of our help now.

I also had some serious marital issues at that time & questioned whether I even knew the man I married. I totally get the suicidal thoughts. When those you love the most leave you feeling hurt and betrayed it is difficult to think about tomorrow in a positive way. I, like you, figured out my younger two children did not deserve to be abandoned in such a tragic way so I'm glad you have your younger daughter to keep you grounded.

What I really needed to do was wrap my head around all that was happening around me. At some point, I decided that although I love them all very much, I cannot contol the decisions of the adults (even my son, being young and inexperienced is an adult) in my life, only how I choose to react to them. 

With my son, I just kept sending emails, leaving phone messages, telling him I loved him. They went unanswered for months but I think he needed to hear that I was still there for him.

With my husband, I saw the look in his eyes and knew that he could take back his affair if he could. I knew he truely felt horrible for hurting me and really did love me. He was very understanding, supportive of my moods during that time and made me realize he really is the loving man I married, not some stranger. For us, it really brought to the surface things we could do to stay close and connected and our marriage is stronger than it was before.

Betrayal isn't something I will forget, but I did get to a point where I fully forgave him and realized that neither of us is perfect. All I hope for now is honesty going forward and that we can both keep our marriage our priority, because right now everything is going really well in all areas & I am pleasantly amazed how I feel today versus a few years ago. 

It is possible to move past this, but give yourself time to sort things out in your own mind so you are in a place where you know what you want to do.

And you are definitely not alone where your eldest daughter is concerned. Since she was at this point before she knew about her bio father, it is not that...it is an age thing and quite common...in her heart, you are her dad and always will be...if she is not asking you for help or contacting you, she is being stubborn/proud. She will come around eventually.

Hang in there, I know this is tough.


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## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

Thank You for the support. Right now I feel very confused about how I want to proceed. A part of me says Divorce her and the other part says keep her. I love her but I am so hurt by her actions that I do not know how to stay. I do not think I could ever truly forgive and forget. I want to because she has become a good person. But it is very hard.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would not make any decision at this point. For me, it felt like everything was crumbling around me and it was difficult to make any decisions. Give it time to see whether you can forgive. A lot of that will be how she responds going forward. In my opinion, she should be working hard to ease the pain of this news for both you and your daughter. You will never forget, but forgiveness may come at some point.


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## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

Its been almost a year (Next Month), Since this all came out and to this day there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of the betrayel. My wife is doing everything positive to help me move on and forgive her but it is very dificult for me. I still have not gotin over the betrayel. Sometimes I feel I do not want to accept what she did to me and just Divorce her but then when the subject comes up and she starts to cry and tell me she does not want us to split, I start feeling bad for her and just stop with the thought. I love her but I am not happy with the situation I am in. The dauhgter in question has cut all communication with me and my wife. She totaly threw me under the bus for her sperm donor dad. Thats a killer for me. I raised her for 20 years and this is how she pays me. I know I have been nothing but a great father all her life. I am told by all our family and freinds who know who I am. I am in a position that I feel I cant handle much longer. Happiness for me is a thing of the past. But I am so affraid to move foward. I am scared of change after having lived a life for so long.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dude, I feel so sorry for the situation you're in! I don't have any words of comfort, but I emphasize! My daughter is "in the business" but I still love her...just hang in there, give her some time...


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

You are living one of my worst fears as my marriage began in a similar fashion and sometimes, I gotta wonder...but I dont really want to know.

I cant imagine how strong of a man you must be to have carried this burden for so long. I admire your strength. Perhaps its time to start thinking of your own needs and not your wife. I know you love her, and I'm sure she does too, but you cant leave yourself in the black pit of dispair for the sake of others.

It may, unfortunately, take years for your daughter to wake up and realize what an awful mistake shes making. It may even require some tragic event to set the wheels in motion.

Take care.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

osvaldo1321-
I have to ask you a serious question: If the roles had been reversed and you had been under both stress and temptation, would you, could have strayed? A kiss even, or an inappropriate conversation?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

osvaldo1321 said:


> I do not think I could ever truly forgive and forget. I want to because *she has become a good person*.


Until you can be hurt by someone and still forgive them, your love has not been tested or perfected.

From what you say about your wife, you are about to flush pure gold down the toilet. After that, all you'll have is regret.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Until you can be hurt by someone and still forgive them, your love has not been tested or perfected.


Totally agree ..


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## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

I do not believe in cheating. I can not even think of role reversing. I believe in being faithful and that I have been threw out my entire marrigage. I do not believe that the way you test true love is to be hurt and then see if you can forgive the person who did you wrong.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

osvaldo1321 said:


> I do not believe that the way you test true love is to be hurt and then see if you can forgive the person who did you wrong.


I don't think anyone would set out to test their love in this way, but I think MTs words ring very true (for me anyway).

I could not put myself in the 'unfaithful shoes' either, but I could see my H as a human with flaws, as we all are, and many things we were both doing within our marriage that caused us to drift apart certainly made the temptation stronger. He is a good man and when he saw how hurt I was, hindsight was 20/20.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

I have been through the same apart from the fact that it was me who fathered another child .. my wife has been fantastic i cant fault her one bit .
I had a afair over 6 years ago ..why ? because of the excitment the sex and because i could ..im not justifiying what i done but a few months ago i found out that through that affair id become a father ..
my wife pushed for the truth to come out and im glad she did we can begin the rest of our lifes together now with out the past dragging us down ..16 years is a long time she is with you now i say forgive and move on !! .


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

osvaldo1321 said:


> I do not believe in cheating. I can not even think of role reversing. I believe in being faithful and that I have been threw out my entire marrigage. I do not believe that the way you test true love is to be hurt and then see if you can forgive the person who did you wrong.


Correct. No one should set out to do this. But if it happens, and there is total remorse, then if you can't eventually forgive, there must be something else in your heart as well as the love.

So that's what I meant by making your love perfect. "Perfect love casts out all fear"


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

So very true Mark , you dont know what you have untill you are are faced with loseing .. your love grows more deep when someone sees your faults and has it within them to forgive you . Sometimes we choose the wrong paths temptation proves hard to resist but with forgiveness comes a deeper love a deeper understanding a stronger marriage that has survived a tough test


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## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

Today I could not take the hurt and pain that I have been feeling for the past 11 months since the discovery. My wife is devastaded. She and I have been tearing all day. I went to my lawyer and told him to start the divorce proceeding. I am scared and my selfesteem is at my lowest in my life. I feel very bad for her because this is what she does not want. I know that she is not the same person she was back then and she has been a perfect woman for the past 17 years. But I have not been able to forgive and forget. Every day it has been a struggle to stay married knowing she cheated on me for so many years and had a child out of that cheating that she then said it was mine. I can not get over that even doe I love her. Sometimes I wounder if I am doing the right thing. My younger Daughter supports me 100% and she says she loves us both the same.She says its best that we split do to the fact that she has noticed that we are not happy like we use to be.


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