# How Do I Get Through This



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I've been browing the forums here for the past few months and I think it's time I share my story and will hopefully have others share their story with me.
I've been married for almost 9 years. Together for 11. Ever since my husband and I got married in Nov. 04 there has always been a major life factor in our life and I'll explain..when we got back from our honeymoon we found out I had cancer (remission for 8 years now) and the chances of us having kids were slim to none; during my recovery of the cancer our dog was diagnosed with cancer as well; we bought a house; moved into the house; had to have our dog put to sleep because of his illness; and my best friend passed aways from cancer. This happened all within 9 months of being married. We finally found out I was pregnant and had a baby in Sept.06. I had a hard time dealing with my best friends passing and my Husband would beg me to get help but I never would. We had our share of ups and downs but we always managed to stay together. I finally ended up going to see a counselor for being depressed about my best friend. Now fast forward to July of 2012. By husband wanted a separation. He left July 27, 2012. It was so hard on our son at the time but he managed so well, did excellant in school and was always happy. Me, I was devestated. I didn't want the separation although I knew things weren't right. He evenutally came home June 7 this year and a few days ago told me he wanted a divorce and he didn't love me like he did before. We told our son last night who is heartbroken. We explained everything we should have to him that he is loved more than anything, he will have 2 happy homes and we will always be there for him. It is killing me to see him cry and asking questions and I am doing the best I can for him. My husband is the best dad and will always be in our sons life. I guess I am just looking for someone else who has been in my shoes and can shed some light for me. I am hanging on by a string and I'm afraid it's going to snap. I have a great support system from my parents and my best friend and some other friends so I thank god for that. I never thought in a million years I would be in this position. I love my husband so much and don't want this to happen but I know I can't make someone love me and I know I need to focus on our son. Thanks for listening...


----------



## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

You aren't alone. I'm in the same spot (2 kids) and it really sucks. My best friend, companion, lover of 15 years was there one day and then BOOM moved out the next and haven't had much contact since (except for kid related stuff). 

We're doing 50/50 custody. When I'm with the kids it's not as bad because they fill the room with love. But when they are with her it is devastating. 

Things I've been doing to get me by/keep me busy: IC, here on TAM, reconnecting with old friends, working out, allowing myself to grieve, watching movies, removing all her items from house. For me these things have helped but only a very slight amount...which is fine as long as I can keep moving in the right direction.

I love my wife an incredible amount and I think our issues can be overcome...but she doesn't think the same and doesn't want to try so not much I can do. 

Hang in there....


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this as well. It's a shame anyone has to go through something like this. 

I don't even know what to do with myself. I absolutley hated when our son was with his dad during our separation and now with him leaving for good is just going to be worse when our son isn't with me.

I have been seeing an IC for almost 2 years but she was on medical leave over the summer. Thankfully I have an appt. on Sept. 11 which I really need. 

Looks like we are in the same boat. One that is sinking. 

You hang there too...


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Did you ever beat the depression? 

Untreated depression can destroy even the best relationships, and it sounds like he was begging you to get the help you sorely needed, and eventually you did but it's not clear if you followed through. 

If not, now would be a really good time, especially given that your life is in such a tailspin that your depression could easily get out of control. This could be an opportunity to rebuild. Who knows, if you can pull yourself out of the doldrums and develop a positive attitude, your husband might take a second look.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

@lenzi-I did start counseling, it was too late though. My H has said he was so proud of me and how far I've come with my depression (I've beaten it) but he just wish I would have done it sooner.

I wish I would have listened to him when he begged me the very first time to seek help. Maybe I wouldn't be here now. 

That's a question I will always ask myself. I could have saved so much heartache for our son.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

cls0115 said:


> @lenzi-I did start counseling, it was too late though. My H has said he was so proud of me and how far I've come with my depression (I've beaten it) but he just wish I would have done it sooner.
> 
> I wish I would have listened to him when he begged me the very first time to seek help. Maybe I wouldn't be here now.
> 
> That's a question I will always ask myself. I could have saved so much heartache for our son.


I figured as much. Well nothing you can do about past actions, it's time to move forward and stop beating yourself up over things you no longer control.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I know but it is just so hard. I struggle every minute of everyday. I can't eat, sleep. I am putting up a good front when I'm with our son but he knows how upset I am and he has been nothing but astonishing through this. 

I just want this sick heartache to go away. I thought we could get through anything together. 

I don't even want to think about a future without him. I would have done anything for him and for our marriage. I tried to tell him before that I didn't start counseling soon because I wasn't ready at the time. I explained it to him as an alcoholic needing treatment but doesn't know to get it until he hits rock bottom. I wish I would have done things differently and wouldn't have taken advantage of his love and support.

Thank god he is a great dad.


----------



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

I feel your pain CLS... I wish there was some way to change our situation by blinking and eye. You have to take of yourself and you child and as you said, it's a good thing your H is a wonderful dad. That is so important.

But is definitely hard to let go of the H. I am struggling myself. 3 weeks and my life has completely changed. You and I both will get through this...we have to right?


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Yes we do MPH, but it's easier said than doen isn't it? It's gut wrenching and the feeling is unbearable. All I want to do when our son isn't with me is be in bed if I'm not working.

I talked to the H last night about our son's schedule and I started to ask him a question then I said forget it, it doesn't matter anymore. Then we hung up. My H called back about 5 min. later and asked what I wanted to ask him so I said that it seems like this is easy for him and he's handling things good. He got upset and said that all he has been doing is crying and this is just as hard on him as it is me. I'm not sure I believe that but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

I just wonder how someone's feelings can change in the blink of an eye. When he came home (in June) after our separation he said he is only coming home if he is positive that he never leaves again because it will kill him to leave me and our son. Now after 3 months he decides he doesn't love me anymore. He says he thought he was doing the right thing coming home. WTF...I don't get it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My guess is that he did believe that at the time but found out he was wrong, unfortunately. Now all of you are paying for his error. 

It's better for him to do this now, if it has to be done, than later. Yes, it's extremely difficult and it takes awhile but you will get through it. Tell yourself that every day. One day you will realize you are through that dark tunnel and into the sunshine again.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Uggghh...we just took our son to his first day of school. And along with the emotions of my baby growing up I have to deal with this situation. My H came to OUR house and literally knocked on the door. I was just shocked.

I keep praying to god (and I'm not very religious) that he will wake up and realize that he made a mistake. It was so awkward at the school. Our neighbors were there that know the situation who we are great friends with and they barely spoke to my H. 

I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.. I'm glad I can come here for support though.. Thank you guys.


----------



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

CLS. It is a very hard road to walk. Only those of us that have experienced this kind of hurt and devastation can truly understand. 

I too wish there was something I could do.. I am sending a big hug your way... (((HUGS))))


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Thank you so much MPH. I wish there was someting I could do for you as well. 

My H got a lawyer. He wants to use the same lawyer to make costs less. I'm nost sure what to do. My parents say I am getting my own lawyer. I just don't know what to do about anything. 

It's so hard to get out of bed anymore. I can't wait until I see my son after work though. He is what gets me through the day. 

When is this pain and despair going to end??????????????


----------



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

cls0115 said:


> Thank you so much MPH. I wish there was someting I could do for you as well.
> 
> My H got a lawyer. He wants to use the same lawyer to make costs less. I'm nost sure what to do. My parents say I am getting my own lawyer. I just don't know what to do about anything.
> 
> ...


CLS. I think everyone is right that in time we begin to hurt a little less each day. This past weekend, I did not leave my bed for 2 days!!! I cried hard and long for us.....my husband and I. 

But I agree with your parents. You should get your own lawyer and get facts independent of your husband's lawyer. I met with a lawyer yesterday to understand my rights and the steps I could take if I wanted. I felt much better. I think it will give you some clarity as well. At least you have your little one to put a smile on your face.  

Have you taken him to the park lately? Plan mommy and son time and just have fun watching him laugh and enjoy himself. I miss thst with my nephew. Please have a good night CLS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I am going to talk to a lawyer to see what my options are. It's not like we have money or anything but my parents think I need to protect myself and our son.

My son and I are always playing something, basketball, football going to the park so that does keep me happy and busy. But when I am not with him it's gut wrenching.

I just wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish my H would change his mind. Geez I sound so pathetic. 

Thanks for the encouragement MPH, hope all is well with you.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is there another woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I honestly don't know clipclop. I have my suspicions but I can't prove anything. I don't know anything anymore. I've asked him if there was someone else but he as assured me there isn't. But then again, I don't even know who my H is anymore.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

"I just wonder how someone's feelings can change in the blink of an eye. When he came home (in June) after our separation he said he is only coming home if he is positive that he never leaves again because it will kill him to leave me and our son. Now after 3 months he decides he doesn't love me anymore. He says he thought he was doing the right thing coming home. WTF...I don't get it"

Since you are the one being left, odds are he has been thinking about leaving for quite some time. He just didnt talk to you about his feelings before hand. I think there is an above average chance there is someone(s) else in his life.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm sure you are probably right toonaive. I just don't want to believe that I guess. I know he's been thinking about leaving for a while. 

This is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It's so hard when you are just left with such a big hole in your heart and nothing can repair it.


----------



## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

cls I feel what you are going through


----------



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

CLS - I hope you are feeling better today. One day at a time...


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Thank you MPH, and I hope you are ok. It's just been so devestating for me. 

We had a meet the teacher night at our son's school last night. I went with my neighbor while my H went on his own. We really didn't say much to each other except a few exchanges regarding our son.

When I got home my dad was watching our S and I walked in on him crying because he missed me and misses his dad. He told my dad he just wants his parents to be together. It made my dad cry after he left.

I just want to take our son's pain away. I would gladly endure this pain for the rest of my life just so he would never feel like this again.

My son called his dad and talked to him which made him feel better. I talked to my H after and told him what I came home to and I could tell my H started crying. 

Sometimes I get a glimmer of hope that he's going to change his mind and come home only to come to work and get an email that he is not.

I wish nobody ever had to go through this pain as it is un-bearable.

Our son will be with my H this weekend but I will be able to see him tomorrow at hockey. But then he'll be seeing his cousin tomorrow. So, it will be a lonely weekend for me. I am going to a friends house to cry it out tonight and a different friend tomorrow so that is something I am looking forward to. 

One minute at a time I guess...


----------



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

cls0115 said:


> I just want to take our son's pain away. I would gladly endure this pain for the rest of my life just so he would never feel like this again.
> 
> My son called his dad and talked to him which made him feel better. I talked to my H after and told him what I came home to and I could tell my H started crying.
> 
> ...


CLS, wow, I am so sorry to hear that your son is also experiencing the pain we find ourselves in. I don't have children, but I can feel how much you love him. Tell him that everyday and that none of this is his fault. 

Spending time with a friend is good to do. I hope your crying turned into laughter last night. If not, do something good for you today before or after you see your son play hockey. Tomorrow, I am giving myself a spa day, something I have not done for myself in years. Thinking of you and Take care.. (((HUGS)))


----------



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Hi CLS. You didn't post over the weekend. I hope you are doing well and that you had an enjoyable weekend. Didn't you spend it friends?


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Thanks for checking on me MPH...my home computer is so slow so I never go on it and I hate my cell phone.

It was hard being at hockey and seeing my husband and trying to be cordial. The H was nice to me however.

I did go to a friends house Friday night and had a good cry and a few laughs.

Saturday night I also went to another friends house and did the same thing. Talked to a friend who is going through a similar situation as me.

I'm going to talk to a lawyer today for advice. My H got so furious with me last night because of this. I originally agreed to use the same lawyer but EVERYONE I talk to tell me to get my own for my own protection. 

I do not know the man now who is my H. The way he can speak to me is like listening to a stranger. I still don't understand how things can change like they have.

I'm still trying to wake up from this nightmare....


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

The nightmare is more clearer than ever. I met with a lawyer yesterday to find out my options. Thankfully this isn't going to be a nasty divorce. But just the thought makes me sick.

I thought I was going to vomit when I was talking to the lawyer. SHe was really nice though and I felt comforatble with her.

My H called last night to ask if he could come and get some of his things today while our son is at school. I know when I come home and see the empty closet and drawers it's going to hit again like a ton of bricks.

It would be easier if I could hate him and shut my feelings off. But I can't and I'm going to have to see him often because of our son.

HOw is everyone else in my the same situation getting through everything? Any story, advice will help. Thanks member of TAM...


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

cls0115 said:


> Thankfully this isn't going to be a nasty divorce.


Famous last words.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Famous last words.


Normally yeah, but I don't get that sense on this one Lenzi. 

Unless CLS kicks up the acrimony this H sounds like he is just looking to get out as cheaply as possible. If you think it is fair and H wants a standard 50/50 split, I don't see anything wrong with it. CLS, let him drive the bus with his lawyer and if you think there is anything unfair, then run it by yours. 

As far as getting him back, living with people who have a mental illness is extremely difficult and it sounds like your H lasted about as long as he could. It even sounds like he tried one last time to see if the spark was there. While you may think that was cruel, I get a sense that he tried to make a go of it for the benefit of your son. It sounds like he is truly done. I am very sorry for you that it did not work out and I am sorry that I don't have any miracle cure to get him to fall in love with you again. 

I understand that what you are going through is really painful, but my impression from reading your thread is that you are still depressed. I realize that divorce will contribute to that, but I get the sense there is more. Are you sure that you had it under control before he moved back in? Either way, it sounds like you need to work on it some more in IC and maybe get back on meds.

Being separated for almost a year and still hanging on to hope must be very painful. Try and push yourself to detach. Get out of the house when your DS is not around and do things for yourself. Find a meetup group with similar interests, get active, do yoga, etc. I wouldn't do this for the benefit of your H or thinking that it might get him back, but more for your own well being and for moving on.

Good luck.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Tron-I have my suspicions on that as well. He started a sales job back in april and has brought no income in since. I've dipped into my 401k and my income are paying bills barely. 

I told my H that I was going to file and he agreed. After he had told me he already paid to file. Just another lie. I'm waiting to talk to him tonight so I can exactly find out what his plan of "support" is going to be then I will be contacting my lawyer.

I have battled my depression and won after 2 years of counseling. I am devestated by my husband leaving me and yes I am crying a lot but who wouldn't be? I am still in counseling (appointment tonight) and I am on meds as well. I can get out of bed everyday and I do not call in to work like I had done when the depression first started.

When he came home in June he wasn't the same. He didn't try to see if the spark was still there. 

Unfortunately where I am at I cannot find any meeting groups. I do have my friends and family like I said and the IC will help. 

I know my main priority is my awesome son and his happiness. I live for my boy and I will continue to push through this. Although it is hard....


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Sounds to me like he may have met someone while you were separated. May not have worked out and that may also be why he came home for a bit. Any way to investigate or confirm any of that?


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

He may have Tron. I have my suspicions. LIke I said before I don't know who he is anymore. And at this point I don't think I care. Maybe I do, I just don't know. The state I live in adultry is nothing you can go against the other spouse for. 

I just got a call from my attorney and she told me that my H's attorney contacted her. My attorney knows and has done cases with my H's and she explained to him that I just want to make sure me and my son are protected. The other attorney wanted to verify custody issues that it will be joint custody.

I will make sure our son is 50/50 but in order to protect myself with the child support I need to file primary custody. I'm afraid my H is going to come unglued and then it will turn into something ugly.

I just needed to get this off my chest.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

What a long weekend without my son. My stbxh took him to the Michigan football game and my boy had such a great time. It was so nice to hear the excitement in his voice. 

I cannot wait to pick my son up after work today. I've missed him every second since he has been with his dad.

I'm expcecting a call from my lawyer to go there to sign the papers since my husband has filed for divorce. It just seems so unreal. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. 

I broke down at my parents house last night. They are giving me good advice but i feel like I'm still in the "mourning" stage. 

How long did it take any of you to be able to "feel normal" and not cry at the drop of a hat?


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I should be getting a call from my lawyer today or tomorrow to tell me that my husband did file. UGH...just makes it more real. My STBX is going to file for joint custody but everyone I know is telling me I need to have primary custody for financial reasons only. My STBX and I will be able to amicably make a fair 50/50 schedule for our son but my STBX is going to come back with "you think I'm going to screw you". 

I just wish this was over and done with already......


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You know what you need to do. Hang in there CLS.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Thanks Tron. I'm trying but it is hard. 

Just talked to my lawyer and I go Thursday morning to review the complaint, counter complaint, blah blah, sign papers, blah blah..

I just wish my STBX and I were both how we were when we were first together and then for years after. We had such a great life. 

I still feel like I've let my son down but he is such a trooper and is doing so well. I will carry that guilt for the rest of my life.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

What a restless night. I was up thinking of all the "what ifs.." "why didn't I..." Going to be a long day.

I just don't know who the man I've loved since the very first time I shook his hand 11 years ago is anymore and it breaks my hear. I know I went through a lot of things but I have changed and I feel it is even for the better. My stbx has even said that.

Tomorrow I'm having a small birthday party for my son. The first one in 7 years his dad wont be at. It's just going to be so depressing but I will only be focusing on my son.

Lawyer appointment has been changed to Friday mornig to go over everything. I'm so scared, nervous and sick. I have no idea what I'm going in to..


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

CLS,

Understand that a lot of these thoughts can't be helped. But you have to try as much as you can to focus on yourself, your DS and the life ahead. 

Try not to think about the "what ifs" and "why didn't I's". Looking back is only productive to the extent that you use it to identify the mistakes you have made and things you don't want to repeat in the future. Other than that, it isn't good for you or your depression. 

And face it, if everything was that great in your M, you probably wouldn't be in this situation. 

What I think is great is that you have made a lot of changes, that even your STBX sees. As a result you are going to make a much better partner to the next guy and frankly a much better mom too. 

As far as your meeting at the attorney's office this week, try not to get anxious about it. This meeting will probably go very quickly and you will be in and out of there in less than half an hour. There is not much to it. Things to make sure you discuss with your attorney before you leave: child support, custody and alimony. Work to maximize what you can get under the law, but be fair about it with your spouse.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Thanks Tron. I just finished reading LostLove77's thread and you have given him some good advice as well as me and I'm trying to follow.

I'm glad I see my IC tonight as there are some things I need to vent about. I really like coming here though and reading through the different threads and trying to follow others advice.

Everything was not great in our marriage and I know it in my heart. There were times where I did threaten divorce because of things he did but I never meant it. I wish he would have followed through with the MC and his IC. He said it wouldn't help him. My IC has helped me so much, she has been a godsend. And IMHO I believe I have become a better mother to my son in the last 2 years. 

Can anyone recommend a good thread for me to read that would help?

Thanks again Tron.


----------



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

CLS!!! ((((HUGS)))) I was just reading up on your thread. Sweetie, I wish there was something I could do to WAKE UP that WAS's. 

But you are doing well and you give yourself a pat on the back because getting up everyday to face the world, let alone your son requires an amazing amount of strength and you have it. I know that we all go into the "pit of despair" when we think about the "what-ifs", and that is okay as long as we do not stay there too long.

Planning a party for the 7 year old huh? While I just say my nephew (who I ADOREEE) in August , I still remember his birthday in March - he had game truck party with Just Dance at the end of party where the kids got a chance to dance their best moves. It was so much fun and I enjoyed the kids just being so carefree and happy. I still think about it and it makes me smile. So have fun with your son. You deserve it and he deserves it, even if your spouse is being a butt head. 

I know how anxious it can be seeing a lawyer especially after your H has filed something (that was me the first time around in 2010). But be open, take all of the information you need, regarding home expenses, stocks, bonds, retirement/pension, income, etc. Be ready to state your case and ask for what you want. I am not sure if you saw the posting of the negotiation for my case, but I want ALL of it and I think it is fair. Protect yourself and your son. 

Take care!!! And be strong!!!


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Thank you MPH. (((HUGS))) back to you.

I had the worst conversation with my STBXh last night. He sent a text that said "we need to talk" and I text back "about what". Well he called me and was so rude to me so I gave the attitude back and he goes off saying how my text message was so rude and I'm rude in every text or conversation we have. Maybe I am, but hello. YOU left me. TWICE. 

He thinks I'm supposed to have this friendly attitude towards him but I can't. I do not say much to him when our son is around but saying nothing is better than what I would like to say.

Needless to say he was yelling at me, I was yelling at him and I of course got upset and started crying. He thinks that I blame him for everything when in fact that is the total opposite. I have talked with my IC stating I blame myself for the majority of what has happened. My I also know my STBX is at fault as well. And he has said it's partly his fault. But he won't say what he has done wrong.

He ended up telling me to F-off and saying "we'll just go through our lawyers for everything now" and click he hung up.

I did send him a text shortly after saying "U have fVck!ing issues. U should get help yourself. U r an angry bitter person".

So he calls back, I don't answer. Called 3 more times, I don't answer. Then he sends a text "answer the phone" my response "no. I'm not arguing with u. I'm going to bed". his next text "Please answer the phone." So he calls and I answer. He starts being nice and saying he was just trying to talk about XXXX and I always have an attitude. Things got heated once again him saying hurtful things like "I don't care what you do anymore." 

And in the end he says "f-off" and click hangs up again.

I just can't take anymore of this. He is such a different person and seeing him like this is horrible. What happened to him? 

On a good note, my son's 7th bday is today and I get to spend it with him after school.

Thanks for the advice MPH. I'll let you know what happens with the attorney tomorrow.


----------



## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Good morning CLS and a Happy Birthday to your son!!!

Well it appears that your H and my H may be related - the venom that they spew is absolutely stunning. I had to control myself from calling my H today, not because he told me, no texts, no phone calls and only emails (which I know he will forward to his lawyer), I have decided to go dark for my own sense of sanity.

Your H is trying to drive you insane. It is the script. Your H left you twice, mine left twice. Why, because they say they are unhappy but because they don't know how to be REAL MEN and address their issues or struggles, so what do they do, they respond to their issues by having affairs, leaving, and treating you like S$$t - making you the scapegoat for what is wrong in the marriage. You H is spewing because he hates himself for what he is putting you and your son through - he just cannot admit it.

I mean I am relatively an amateur on advice, but I wanted you to know that I hear you and feel what you feel at times. "Patience is a virtue"..at least that's what they say..


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I know it's difficult to keep in mind but once it comes to divorce it's every man for himself . I know that when I decided to divorce and file I became very strategic . in order to be strategic you have to back off from the emotions and just get the job done . that's what makes you look like a different person . 

No 2 ways about it divorce changes you . there's a certain selfishness that goes with divorce . and it gets worse when your spouse challenges all of your lovely divorce plans. person who files feels like they are in control . if they're normally complianct spouse doesn't just roll over they to start to question who the spouse is as well. and that person becomes the enemy at least for the purposes of negotiating divorce .

it doesn't have to be that way but it usually is . my divorce was the most stressful f my life even know I was the one who filed and did maintain control . 

being the person who is left is always going to be harder because you're still dealing with emotional abandonment by someone you love and you thought I loved you . and then of course you get to pile on all of the guilt and blame that you give yourself for what went wrong . all of the I should have and if I had only come out . 

so my advice to the one left behind would be to try to put all of those feelings away until after the divorce . you are at war . the war may only be a few skirmishes or it may be all out hostility . but even in the best of divorces there will be intense moments of hostility . 

I think that's normal unless you're dealing with a really crazy spouse then things can get bizarre and stay bizarre . but with a quote normal divorce the post-D relationship while strained, becomes more understanding if the people are generally fair minded when they aren't at war.

but it will never be enough for the person left behind . 

Try as hard as you can to size up the enemy and avoid comparing who they are at the moment with who they were before. Imagine they are someone from outside who threatens your family. You must prevail. You have no choice. 

Don't raise the level of hostility above what the situation demands. (Unless they were horrible to you all along in which case go to town on them so you can *regain* control and get something back for the long-suffering you endured! It isn't vengeance. It is compensation.)

you'll have more than enough time to beat yourself up and blame yourself for everything that went wrong when all of the details have been worked out . in the meantime try to find your strength and do it must be done . it takes a lot of willpower .. but when you survive the turmoil you'll be able to look at yourself with a sense of accomplishment that you did the best you could in a horrible situation . in a strange way it's part of the healing process . anytime you can evaluate yourself positively you build self esteem . you will never execute flawlessly but then neither will they . so be sure to evaluate yourself fairly .

and that's something you can also work on while you're trying to shift your mind toward being strategic . show yourself and show them what you're really made of . and if they don't like it, tough. this is business and business that they brought to you and forced down your throat . 

and don't forget to use psychology . you know them deep down and you know what motivates them . use that information to your advantage . because I guarantee you there doing the same (unless their EQ is on the low-side. For low EQ divorces, I would expect more hostility and less strategy.)

if you're dealing with a real jerk who was it jerk before you got married was a jerk during marriage and is a jerk now the only thing you can do is detach and try to win . while the fighting will lessen after the divorce the relationship will always be a source of pain . 

with a fairly normal person the relationship will be strained but it will find a new normal after a while . 

I think in situations where there's infidelity and the person leaves for the other person that new normal isn't going to be very positive. there's a third party tugging at your ex making sure that their claim on them is firmly staked. 

but if there is no one else and your spouse didn't completely hate you before they filed things will get better .

you have no choice but to survive so do what you can to make sure that you survive in the best state possible . the goal is not to just survive but to thrive.

living well is the best revenge ... and that's just a side-benefit. living well is a gift that you give to yourself and your children . keep your eye on the prize .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

It makes him feel better about leaving you when you respond with anger and venom.

Try and stay calm. Learn how to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" "I won't allow you to yell at me" etc. then hang up if you have to. You will feel better and they will feel worse because eventually they will have to own their own ****.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Wow you guys, when I read your posts I feel more empowered. Though it doesn't last long but it feels good for the moment.

You have all given such great advice and I only wish the best for all of you.

Clipclop-you are right and that this is now a "business". There are no more niceities, it's simply going to be contact regarding our son. 

My thoughts are that he took the easy way out although he would NEVER admit to that. I'm never going to look at him the same way, this I know for sure. He is an absolute stranger. 

I told my IC last night that I don't know him at all anymore. The only one thing I know for 100% is the love he has for our son. Other than that, I know nothing about him. The sad thing is that he knows me better than anyone. Although there are some things he doesn't believe when I tell him.

Not looking forward to the meeting with my lawyer tomorrow. I'd rather drink a gallon of gasoline.

Thank you all for the encouragement, I'd be lost without you guys.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I met with the lawyer this morning and as gut wrenching as it was I have a little piece of mind. My STBX filed for joint custody to which I agreed but I'm seeking child support of course. I have been the sole income provider since the middle of March so he does owe me something. All he has done was cash in a measley $2400 pension fund.

I just want this whole process to be over with. Although I am sad and still heartbroken I am having feelings of anger now towards my STBX. Things keep popping up in my head of past comments and actions by him that infuriate me. 

I also have about 7 pages of a journal I started the first time we separated. I think I need to read that and see if there is a pattern of his actions and I know I did write some angry thing about him. Maybe that will help me.

I hope everyone here that is in the same position as I am are finding some comfort like me by coming here. Thank you TAM family.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I realize that you have had issues with depression in the past. 

How about anger?


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Not really anger no. Anxiety yes.

I had to see my STBX this weekend because of our sons sports and we just spoke of our son. He's like a foreign person to me.

Then yesterday, when I met him so our son could go with him for a few days I told him I needed to talk to him about some questions I needed to ask him he was just like "oh, ok, well you have a good one" and got in his car.

I'm wondering if I should just email these questions to him or talk on the phone about them. Any thougths? They are questions regarding helping out my son and I so we can stay in our house.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Email.

JMO, but you guys aren't communicating well and you need to do what you gotta do to start the process of detachment.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I called him and told him I was going to email him some questions and things I'd like in our divorce decree and that went good. I will be emailing these to him this afternoon.

I guess it is my fault for the commuincation problem and maybe at fault during our marriage for the "lack of". Right now, I just can't see speaking in a nice tone to him for what he's done. I just say what I have to say and answer any question he has. I don't want to be friendly with him. I see no point to that. 

We have always parented our son great together and that is something I believe we can continue but as far as asking "how are you doing" or stuff like that, I'm not asking him anything like that. He asks me that question and I say I'm fine. That's it, I don't ask him how he's doing or anything. He says I'm being rude. I just don't feel the need to engage in any type of conversation.

Call me angry, rude, bitter cause I've heard this from my STBX but the least I talk to him the better. 

I think he expects us to be friends after this. If that's the case, he is sorely mistaken. I have no intention of any relationship with him besides co-parenting with him. 

I am looking at this the wrong way?


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

cls0115 said:


> I called him and told him I was going to email him some questions and things I'd like in our divorce decree and that went good. I will be emailing these to him this afternoon.
> 
> I guess it is my fault for the commuincation problem and maybe at fault during our marriage for the "lack of". Right now, I just can't see speaking in a nice tone to him for what he's done. I just say what I have to say and answer any question he has. I don't want to be friendly with him. I see no point to that.
> 
> ...


No. That is exactly right.

You won't be friends. 

Email is great because you can keep everything very unemotional. Deal with the kid issues and the money. 

It will help you detach quicker.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

So I sent my STBX an email point out a few things i.e. I agreed to joint custody although I didn't haveto, some bills we have together and I asked him a few financial questions. His response back to me was "I will not answer any of your question s because I'm under the impression you have changed your mind about joint custody. So until I have something in writing from you I'm not answering. I'm not trying to be a d!ck or anything but I don't want you to screw me over with our son"

OMG, I don't know how much more I can take from him. I have signed his complaint agreeing to the joint custody. What more does he need? Jesus, he should know me better than to ever thing I would keep our son from him.

Is there going to be a light at the end of the tunnel? It just seems to be getting darker...


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

your lawyer will send his lawyer a form to fill out where he will have to disclose all of his financial records. so let him say what he wants he has an obligation that he has to fulfill under the law. I know it cost more money doing this but your best bet is to go through your lawyer for all Niko shooting and all discussions. 

how ever... remember when I said that this is business.? that include using a business like the demeaner and tone. while it is natural that you would be upset it will not serve you well to wear it on your sleeve. 

they're going to be moments where you get so angry you just can't see straight. they should be the exception. If all your husband sees is hostility he will respond in kind.

now when your husband says he wants to join costity does he mean 50/50 time with your son list have time with him? 

when that happens there may not be child support. 

if you will be the primary custodial parent well he has what they call joint parenting rights, then there will be child support involved. 

because he has a lower income however you might be the one to pay child support. likewise you might be held responsible for paying him spousal support. did your lawyer say about this?

sorry for that but it downer talk. 

just like yourself up for all discussions and negotiations. you have to expect him to have a lack of trust. the reality of what is occurring is hitting him and that's something that will cause him to circle the wagons just as it has done with you. 

Even though you think you no longer know you H you still know people. He is still one of them in a vaguely similar fashion. remember, you catch more vinegar with flies.. . You will collect more honey with bees. Get your honey by stinging him with your lawyer bee. Don't do it with your atteetude! 

Breathe. Start yoga. Inner peace and the best lawyer you can afford are wonderful things. Om.... this is businesssss...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Man, I love Niko shooting ! 

Anytime I write something stupid I ask you to read the words that I meant. 

Negotiations. Niko shooting must be the Greek mafia or something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

LOL cc2, that was pretty funny. I was wondering what you meant at first!

I talked with my attorney today and because he willingly quit a job in March of this year w/out another one lined up (he got one finally but his pay is commision only) she thinks it would be best to put it in the divorce that he needs to pay child support based on the job he quit. As far as I know and according to our bank accounts he has contributed NO INCOME since the middle of March. 

Now if he has another account, I don't know. But I have been paying all bills and have had to dip into my 401K because of it.

I think there is more going on and probably for a long time with my H than I know. I met with my IC today and she brought up a lot of good points that I never thought of that has made me re-think parts of our relationship.

I beginning to wonder if I really knew my "TRUE" H. After 11 years, how could I not though? That is where I'm conflicted.

SHe wants me to journal and write down any instance that concerns me or I have thought twice about and maybe I can see things differently. I'm going to do that.

When am I going to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Thanks for the kind words cc2.


----------



## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I think the reason most walk away spouses seem so detached is they have been thinking about separating for a longtime, they have gone through the grieving if any and by the time they tell you they want a divorce they have reached the point of indifference hence seemingly unemotional. 
I can see your going through some of the same things I did and wondering when am I going to stop feeling miserable?-it truly takes time and you may not feel better a month from now or months from now but it does come albeit very slowly. You will become indifferent. A new normal takes time to get used to. 
I think everyone goes through the what ifs, or could have, or should haves but I came to a place where I made it simple. I look at it this way a friend screws you over ,you cease in being there friend-that's the way your relationship started with your ex-right?With that said I don't believe in being friends with the ex-you do what you have to for your kids sake but that's it.
Be civil and nice with your ex now while your going through the divorce so you can get through it without turning this thing into a war which I can assure you is very costly-there is plenty of time afterwards to tell him you really feel. 
After wards go dark and get on with your life the best way you can and it will come with time. Once you become disengaged from the ex the emotional attachment ceases too.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Journaling is a great idea.

And don't let him push you around any more. If you have to, use your lawyer, that is what he/she is there for.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I had a really rough weekend. My son wasn't home because he was with his dad and I had to see the STBX at son's sports. My inlaws were there and my MIL was so cold to me. I went to give her a hug and she didn't even hug me back. 

I got to friend of the court on Oct. 17 to show income to determine child support. This is just to much for me to even think about. 

My STBX is just someone I used to know and I want to know why this has happened but I don't think I will ever know the answer. 

Thanks for you reply gulfwarvet and thank you for your service.

I hope everyone else is having a better day than I am.


----------



## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Things are very awkward when it comes to divorce. 
I think to get through all this one certainly has to take on a different mentality, afterall your fighting for your life, children etc.
Maybe your mil will treat you better after this is over or maybe she will be indifferent. But do you really want to have anything to do with your ex husbands mother after this is over?
Expect your ex to be rotten and underhanded and everyone that is associated with him.
Anyone associated with your ex can flip on you .
If so,you have to treat them as strangers.
You have to develop coping skills, one of things I did was I never got my mail, read texts, or read emails from my attorney on Fridays as I didn't want it too screw up my weekends.
Weekends were my time away from divorce I didn't deal with it, or think about it. I did other things.
When I go to my children's school events I get tunnel vision I don't see my ex and if I do I quickly avert my eyes.
Get things totally ironed out with your ex now as to who pays for what and custody wise so you don't have to communicate or deal with them after this is done.
You want to be able to disengage from your ex so you can subsequently detach emotionally and move on.
Some of things I'm throwing at you might seem harsh ,but from here on out everything is business to get through this thing. 
Be a cold SOB with your ex-believe me it works.


----------



## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

You are right about that gwv.

I'm not overly concerned about my MIL it's just the point that I was trying to be nice and she was just as rude as could be. I should have expected it though. She is a bully and thinks she is always right with everything.

This whole time since my H said he wanted a divorce I have not begged him to come home or anything. The other day I was on the phone with him and asked him if divorce is what he really wants and he paused for about 10 seconds, said "I don't know", another pause and said "yeah, I guess". I let him go right after that.

I did send a text about not going through with this and we have already gone through more than what most couples go through in a lifetime and we got through all those things. His reply back was that he couldn't talk because he was in a work meeting.

I sent another text yesterday asking him if I was crazy to think he wont go through with the divorce and we have a history and took vows. His reply was "Im not overyly happy with the friend of the court date we have. We can talk tomorrow." 

Am I crazy to think he won't go through with this or am I holding on to false hope?


----------



## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

You can hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
-But honestly do you want to get your hopes up, just to have them squashed?
I went through this stage because everytime I thought that it was over, my pastor friend was pointing out things and giving me false hope. 
Looking back on it I think it would have been much easier to come to the resolve that it was over with.-Make sense?
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't badger him with texts.Give him his space, DO NOT appear needy.
If you really want to get him thinking about this- be counter intuitive act like your ok with break-up. When he calls tell him your busy right now but it was nice to hear from him.Do this for a month and then he will start questioning-whats up with her, and he will start questioning divorce, and will see what life is without you, which he needs to feel. Maybe the light bulb will come on maybe it won't.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

gulfwarvet said:


> You can hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
> -But honestly do you want to get your hopes up, just to have them squashed?
> I went through this stage because everytime I thought that it was over, my pastor friend was pointing out things and giving me false hope.
> Looking back on it I think it would have been much easier to come to the resolve that it was over with.-Make sense?
> ...


:iagree:


----------

