# Shutting off after work...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, for a week everything has been rather joyful and cheery and happy, little to complain about. Things are smooth, no fights, no arguments, not even disagreements, we're set with a lot of compromises and it's a good start to the new year.

However, work has been stressful, and looking back it's probably why I tend to be more of an ass during the festive seasons as it gets busy for me when everyone is partying and enjoying the holidays (In the F&B industry).

I told the missus that and she has been very understanding so far especially since our little romantic fun (and anti-climatic ending) on new years. However I know it's just going to be a matter of time before I get stressed again... like tonight.

Since we've overcome pretty much almost all our issues already (except for her nymphomania), I don't take it out on her. But I'm not exactly in the mood for happy happy lovey dovey time together either. When I'm in a bad mood I just want to get drunk alone and forget about the world until the next day.

The missus as you can expect, I doubt she's really happy about it. Now she's not saying anything about it, but I want to be a better husband, so I'm asking this question.

How does one forget about work after a f--ked up day, shut off, forget about it all, without drinking and escapism and letting one's wife hear about the crazy adventures (which I'm sure she'll get sick of if I do it too much)?


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

It's not easy, and I think almost all people with a career go through this these days. I'm a culprit of this same experience no doubt, and it doesn't help that I'm typically a workaholic too - so I often take my work into the late hours which sometimes robs me of going to bed with my wife too.

In the recent few weeks, after finding TAM, I'm starting to find a new appreciation for my home life. Been doing a lot of reflecting... I think the key is trying to talk yourself out of the funk and remind yourself about what truly matters in your life.

People work because they have to live, but our home lives and relationships are where the pleasure is. I'm starting to rebel against my job a little in that I'm not putting the hours in as much any more... not letting my company rob me of my pleasures like it used to. I'm taking time for me and my family so I can enjoy them more, and even if that some day leads to my termination at work, I'm somehow ok with that (that idea used to scare the sh!t out of me though). Because life goes on and I can find another job, but my family is my life choice and they're irreplaceable.

Don't let your work ruin your life... Put your foot on the ground, say "I'm not taking this crap home with me" and regenerate for 30 minutes when you get home after work. Have a beer but don't blitz yourself into a drunken stupor. Take a 3rd person look at the life you've built around you and try to appreciate it from the outside looking inward...


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Is it the type of job that stresses you out? Or just working in general? If its the actual type of job maybe you need a career change? 

I unwind with tv or a movie. Might have a beer, but I sure don't get drunk. That would just add to me already feeling stressed/depressed. 

I used to come home and either go out jogging or run on the treadmill. I still do that from time to time, but with bad knees its hard to do sometimes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, changing work won't be a solution as I own and operate my own business and it's been a stable money machine so far.

As for these mentors, I've seen stuff for like folks who made it rich and giving seminars and such, but I don't know about folks who give seminars in regards to "NOT BRINGING SH-T HOME TO YOUR WIFEY!" heh


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Work is not worth ruining your home life. I can tell you from experience that your work would get rid of you in a minute if they could find a way to save $ by not having you there.
Your job is important but think of it this way.....if you lost your job tomorrow who would still be there for you? Your family. Stressing is not healthy. I used to drive around a little before getting home or go to a park and relax and collect your thoughts. Talk to yourself about your day while in your car. When you find your outlet you will be a lot more content and ready to be the husband your wife wants. Drinking is not the answer. It is putting up a wall between you. I would think about maybe meeting your wife somewhere after work so you both can talk about your day. Its amazing what getting away for even an hour will do for you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

On my way home from work, I yell at the wheel (sing) and when I get home, I take 30 minutes to myself to remind myself that work is JUST WORK. It's not my life. Home is my life.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I listen to music on the way home too. Music soothes me no end. We like to walk together after work. This is when we share about our day, vent if needed. The fresh air and movement does wonders too. When we're back home - that's our home time! That's OUR time. Work has no business being there.

Having your own business it's even harder to switch off. It's a good discipline if you can though. My husband rarely drinks and for that reason I guess, neither do I, especially at home. So we tend to deal with stress in (hopefully) healthier ways. Exercise, music, that kind of thing. I find Tai Chi is awesome for helping to quieten the mind.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, the responsibility makes it hard. Music is a great soother for me only when combined with alcohol though heh. Festive seasons is when it's real money making time too, as well as the most stressful, rest of the year I can relax a bit more unless it's a sh-t day.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Since it's your own business and you can't "just leave work" then it may be just a matter of keeping your home life more in the front of your mind at all times. Even when you're working hard and stressing out, trying thinking thoughts like "this is just work, my home and family are what matter"... Might help you plow through the crap if you have a *constant* deep sense of appreciation in what you're working hard and fighting for.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Here is one you wont like... if you had more sex, all the other stuff wouldnt get to you as much! Heehee 

I think you are just married to someone you dont love... that is the only reason my husband cant unwind after work bc heck... he goes straight to the gym, comes home, does his routine, showers, then sits in front of the tv until its at least 9pm... then gets ready for bed. He is like you only without the alcohol. I think if he did drink 1, he would unwind, but he cant drink just 1... he either goes all out or nothing... kind of like our sex life... actually he is pretty much like that with everything he approaches.

As for what you can do? Hmmm... I drive ALOT, and although I love listening to music, in all my hours on the road I find talk radio or silence the most soothing. Silence is weird at first especially if you arent used to it, but it is very relaxing. Get your downtime before you get home if you can, your wife will appreciate you coming home ready to connect with her... especially since she is like me Just bc she likes sex and is hot for you, doesnt make her a nympho! That mindset has to change, bc you may think its minor, but it colors how you see her and any action of touch or closeness she may make... you will automatically attach that label to it/her.... reframe it to be she thinks Im sexy and has a hearty appetite for sex with me, her sexy husband.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Everyone in my household is stressed when they get home - either from work or school. We each go our separate directions to decompress as to what works best for us - before we meet back for dinner. I take myself out with the dogs (and sometimes the youngest) and go for a long walk every day. The oldest takes himself off to his room and plays a computer game. Husband takes himself off for a while and watches TV.

So, do you have things that you like to do that help to de-stress at other times? Exercising, meditating, listenting to music? Are you the kind of person like our family that needs alone time to destress? Or are you the kind who needs to be around people?

You just have to find your niche, RD - and sometimes reminding yourself that a busy season, like the holidays, doesn't last forever, helps. And there's nothing wrong with relaxing to some nice music with a glass of wine for a short period before you have to join the fray once again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds to me like you need a guy friend or two. They will commiserate with you about your job, give you a better outlook on life (by you HAVING a life, now that you have friends), and give you an outlet so she doesn't have to hear or bear it all.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@bottled up

True, but I have trouble seperating it due to the inter-relation, success for the business = success for our marriage. I don't trust the missus to continue her happy joy attitude if the business goes down (no matter what she claims), and I'm the sole provider.

I will keep trying though, it just seems like a test of sheer willpower really for me to force your mind to not think too much (which is a problem of mine!). My counsellor told me that my "thinking too much" it's perhaps also due to my past growing up without a sense of security that "it's ok, everything will be ok", so I tend not to relax most of the time.

@toolate

I do love her, just that I can't handle her drive at times. And it's difficult to enjoy sex when your mind is already pre-occupied with stress lol, and when I'm not in the mood it just feels like a chore!

@enchantment

Well, my daughter is a fun destresser on normal days. On really stressful days though when I simply can't unwind, I only spend a few hours with her before "trying" to head to my man-cave to get drunk. And that's when wifey goes... ok, she gets all the love, but how about me?! *sigh* So I end up having to pamper wifey for a while before I finally get some alone time.

Then I just end up going on my computer getting drunk, listening to music and/or playing GTA 4 or Skyrim all night... but that's before darth wifey comes in to drag me to her spidery web to get me to spend even more time with her or get me ready for bed. And then I wish I can just Fus-Ro-Dah her outta the room >.<
Sorry, Skyrim joke heh

But yeah, this is a phase, I guess it's already starting to get quieter now at work so it'll soon be back to "working" err... 3 days a week and sleeping in my office half the time. I have to remind myself of that... until Chinese New Year... >.< lol it never ends

@turnera

Well, personally I doubt the missus will appreciate me not coming home after work and drinking up with my mates. She's really needy for time together, I don't think she understands the concept of space anymore really.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Who said anything about drinking?

Get this book, it will help you understand: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from Help for Men, Mentor for Men, Men's Groups, Relationship Advice, Life Coach.

Spending time with your friends (in a healthy way!) will make you a better husband and father. I promise.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You seem to have a lot of issues with alcohol....maybe that's what is bothering her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh, I'm actually anti-social unless I'm drunk when it comes to folks outside of family lol... when sober I trust very few, furthermore I can't always rely on the few that I do trust to have time available.

I have... complicated reasons for that, and history

The missus doesn't seem to mind the alcohol really as long as I don't do anything stupid, and I'm not out drinking without her


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you are describing is not healthy, no matter your history, and not a stable way to maintain a healthy marriage. And, guess what? You're here trying to fix that marriage...

Time to start thinking outside your box, outside your comfort zone...which obviously isn't working. 

And you're saying that you have to get drunk in order to be a happy, social person? That sounds like it's time for therapy, not asking how to stop bringing your work home. 

Sorry I sound so harsh, but you're asking for a bandaid when you need an appendectomy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm already in therapy, and I was assured that it's natural I feel the way I do due to our current social climate. And I have already branched out to meet good people who I can trust, though few, just how it is. And I don't need to get drunk to be happy and warmer towards my family, I'm not the same way with them compared to folks I don't trust.

I just get drunk to deal with stress which does come from work, not from the lack of folks I trust. I'm actually a naturally social person, I've just met too many f--kwits in my time (and still do, and I trust my gut as well as my wife's judgement - no friend of mine is not a friend of my wife's nowadays since a drama years ago)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about exercising?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Working out doesn't do much for my stress, it does push me harder but that's about it. Besides I have a lot of working out daily already thanks to darth wifey.

In the end I still need my alcohol intake, my 4-pack has my last 2 packs being flab instead of actual muscle, but then again I can still feel it if I press into my beer gut hehe


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I'm already in therapy, and I was assured that it's natural I feel the way I do due to our current social climate. And I have already branched out to meet good people who I can trust, though few, just how it is. And I don't need to get drunk to be happy and warmer towards my family, I'm not the same way with them compared to folks I don't trust.
> 
> I just get drunk to deal with stress which does come from work, not from the lack of folks I trust. I'm actually a naturally social person, I've just met too many f--kwits in my time (and still do, and I trust my gut as well as my wife's judgement - no friend of mine is not a friend of my wife's nowadays since a drama years ago)


RDude: No friend of yours isnt a friend of your wifes bc of a drama years ago... I need not ask more about that bc its implied there was some sort of indescretion with opposite sex. AND you dont like having sex with your wife?! Ok, I will suspend judgement bc I dont like to judge... does your low interest in sex with your wife have anything to do with the circumstances around this "drama" years ago? Like, do you feel like having to have her be friends with all your friends as controlling? Or were there any ultimatums that make you feel lower on the totem pole in your relationship around this past "drama?"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No actually, the past drama was due to my old mates' lack of respect for my family, lack of decency, lack of common sense, and simple blatant racism. My reaction was of anger and violence, and after enduring the long court cases it's the reason I have well, obviously become more picky with mates.

Nowadays my wife screens everyone, and no I don't find it controlling, we're a team socially, no one between us. No one against us. And no more childish racist comments said against our daughter. My wife over the years has also brought great people into my life instead of the low class f--kwits I used to hang out with.

As for not wanting to have sex with my wife, I'm just a man who takes more than a woman throwing herself on the bed and spreading her legs to get turned on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> As for not wanting to have sex with my wife, I'm just a man who takes more than a woman throwing herself on the bed and spreading her legs to get turned on.


 Hmmm...what do YOU do to get HER in the mood?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Most of the time I don't even do anything, either then trying to get from the front door to my man-cave after work without becoming a meal. But when she does withdraw and if I AM in the mood, then I'm more loving, romantic and affectionate towards her.

I've mentioned this to her countless times, I am turned on by the tease and the challenge, the more she denies me sex the more I will want it. But it seems she has difficulty denying me sex when she ends up denying herself it too, she has rather little patience really.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't follow. She attacks you for it?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In the past yes, nowadays we're better. We've compromised with a once a day rule and if broken I have to "make up" for it. That's not a major issue anymore, it's just dealing with after-work stress that's a problem while it's busy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wait a minute. She demands that you give her SF every day? And you allow her to dictate this? Has she been to a doctor about this?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She's medically fit and healthy, mentally I'm not so sure of - and she refuses to continue counselling. As for the once a day rule it's a compromise.

Our first few years of marriage was her demanding sex 3x per day, with arguments, fights, silent treatment, emotional blackmail, manipulations, whining, sulking, pushing, crying, etc etc if I didn't perform.

Last year, I put my foot down on her walking all over me with her even betraying my honor by telling everyone how unappreciative and selfish I was hypocritically and pushing her religion on me. In the end I had to show her that there's a limit I would allow myself to put up with.

After that shock to her system we reduced it dramatically, to 2-3x a week - which worked well... until she grew silent resentment over me because of what I did as well as not giving her enough sex, but overall she was better last year. Since then she has tried to bring it back up to 2x a day but 1x a day is our compromise.

Besides I haven't exactly been a good husband last year so some compromises are necessary.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Errr... dean, we already have a very young daughter. And my wife is a good SAHM


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> She's medically fit and healthy, mentally I'm not so sure of - and she refuses to continue counselling. As for the once a day rule it's a compromise.
> 
> Our first few years of marriage was her demanding sex 3x per day, with arguments, fights, silent treatment, emotional blackmail, manipulations, whining, sulking, pushing, crying, etc etc if I didn't perform.
> 
> ...


Was she requesting sex from you 3 times a day bc you werent? Or did you have it, and then she requested again, you had it and then she requested a third round... after you had already done it twice that day? ASking 3 times a day is different (far different) than asking and getting, asking again, getting again, aaskin again and getting again. So Im trying to understand your use of the word "demand."


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

You know what... I've never had a problem with this. Once 5:00 comes around I forget that I even have a job(unless I've got project that has a deadline). 

I even told my boss this very thing. He just laughed and we went out for some drinks.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@toolate

In the past, her idea of being sexually satisfied is a session in the morning, a session in the afternoon, and a session in the evening. Now with our compromise, I must perform at least once a day for her satisfaction as agreed, or I will owe her two sessions the next day, etc. So far, I have not missed one session, saves me doing double work the next day, and we're so far "ok" with this.

And no, lying back and just letting her have her way with me doesn't count as a "session". She's also demanding when it comes to fitness but I have no problems with that because I do pride myself in making sure I can perform the positions she demands - and I also do demand fitness if she lets herself go when it comes to fitness. I only have a problem when her demands include sex.

Ask for sex? Neither of us ask for sex, we initiate differently, though I desire more of romance and tease while she pretty much just wraps her legs around me without giving a crap, then becomes darth wifey when I push her away. In my time on this forum I've explored every possibility to explain her nymphomania from perhaps her past? Her love language? Her insecurity combined with me being a prick? etc etc... still, I don't know... And FFS ain't birth control pills meant to DECREASE the drive?

Meh, but that's beside the point of this thread. Our sex life is not causing us problems at the moment, not really. I'm content with duty as she no longer demands it specific times of the day and I have the luxury of deciding when I am in the mood and she has recipocated in some ways by playing and teasing me during foreplay. My problem though yes... It's hard to get in the mood when stressed...

@Dean

I do, and as I mentioned I do find it great stress relief most of the time, but when I get really stressed out the only thing I really found to iron it out is booze heh. But it is starting to wind down now at work, until Chinese New Year of course, more rushes and headaches! And sh-t, I still have to order fortune cookies!

@Justajerk

How do people DO that?! =/


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

^You sound high-strung, bro.

It sounds like you have trouble detaching. 

I found that if I'm constantly thinking about work, my performance actually suffers. I need to look at it with a clean perspective every morning- a _*tabula rasa *_mentality(a clean slate, if you will).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah I do, as for waking up to a clean perspective, that's something I'll try the next busy rush I guess. But sometimes I go to sleep thinking of work, dream about work, and wake up the next day thinking about work.

Alcohol is a good temporary mind wipe, need some other way to do a mind wipe.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yoga, running, tai chi, meditation.


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