# Not sure what she did to me but it sucks



## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

Last couple months have been horrible. Barely get a kiss at night, i love you's are muffled and under her breath. I started documenting oddities in her schedule. Having to stay late, going out with odd family members i didnt know. She was posting cleavage shots on fb. Then she blocked me. I looked up her cell history on valentines day. Sure enough a number appeared from jan 19th to feb 12th. 80 texts a day. texts until she went out, then after she came home. Leads me to believe they were together. 46 min phone convo that burns my ass while i was in the garage working.

So valentines night of all nights i confronted her with my findings. All denied of course, i said lemme see your phone, prove me to be the jackass. It was in her car. I said let me see it, i deleted everything. So in the morning i grabbed her phone, demanded the pw. She gave it up and told me to keep the damn phone. The number in question wasnt there but another was, stuff like come over tonight. Then she said we cant be doing what we were, im kinda seeing someone and its getting serious. 

She said the serious relationship was me.:scratchhead: Wouldnt disclose the name of the main number. So she deleted the fb, we got tested for STDs because i was symptomatic, she has been my only partner. Hers was clean mine not in yet. I told her today that i cant get that number off my mind and i want to know who it is. She says its noone and thats the way its gonna stay. Makes me think i know the person. Now im getting accused of not trusting her and i never will. Well wtf do you expect. She swears nothing happened of course.

This week was great until today, she was close to me, i almost felt loved. But im annoyed the other number wont return my calls, texts nothing. Spineless prick. The number hasnt been on her phone since the 12th but tonight i see a 0000006245 or something that i read is instant msg to help hide identity. I plan to nab her phone in the morning to see what it is.

The fb is totaly under my control so it cant be reactivated by her without my consent. Changed email and pw. I just dont know what to do, she says she wants to make it work but the thought of her legs spread for another man then come home to sleep with me turns my stomach.  13 years of marriage and 3 kids.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of her car. You will find out what is currently going on within a week or so.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

jkfox624 said:


> The number in question wasnt there but another was, stuff like come over tonight. Then she said we cant be doing what we were, im kinda seeing someone and its getting serious.


Who is this guy? And why would she tell him she's "kinda seeing someone"? What is her explanation for this?

Also, she blocked you on Facebook? What did she say was the reason for that?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

jkfox624 said:


> I told her today that i cant get that number off my mind and i want to know who it is. She says its noone and thats the way its gonna stay. Makes me think i know the person. Now im getting accused of not trusting her and i never will. Well wtf do you expect. She swears nothing happened of course.


So she refuses to tell you, her husband of 13 years, who she spoke to on the telephone? What is her reason for not telling you? Does she really say "it's no one and that's how it's going to stay" to your face"? And you just take it?

If my wife called or texted someone 80 times a day and she refused to tell me who it is, I would be filing for divorce. 

I would take that as her message to me: "I don't love you, I love someone else, but I am not ready to leave you yet - that's why I won't tell you." Do you not feel that your wife is sending you this message?


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

She says "this guy" is me she just wanted the othe person to leave her alone. Umm hello tell him your effing married? I screwed up i had her phone for a day all alone and i didnt install anything to track her. Atm the best i can do is nab her phone when shes in the shower but its risky and im not real comfortable navigating it. What i really want is answers but of course when i ask i get accused of not letting it go and not trusting her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

jkfox624 said:


> She says "this guy" is me she just wanted the othe person to leave her alone. Umm hello tell him your effing married? I screwed up i had her phone for a day all alone and i didnt install anything to track her. Atm the best i can do is nab her phone when shes in the shower but its risky and im not real comfortable navigating it. What i really want is answers but of course when i ask i get accused of not letting it go and not trusting her.


Yeah, I understood "this guy" was you, what I meant was what did she say when you asked her, "why didn't you just tell him we're effing married"?

Why do you tolerate her not giving her phone to you when you ask for it?

And why do you care about being accused of not letting it go? You are, in fact, not letting it go (nor should you be). Same with not trusting her - you actually do not trust her, nor should you, so why do you care if she accuses you of it?

What do you think of the voice-activated recorder?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Stop the questioning and act as if things are back to normal - but keep digging. It sounds like she's seeing someone or more than one "someone". Since you caught on she has warned her boyfriend (maybe a co-worker - or someone with regular or daily contact). 

Keylog the computer and VAR the car. 

Do the 'odd' family members still contact her? 

How was your marriage up til the last few months? 

Had you ever had fidelity issues with each other?

You want to keep an eye on the financial accounts and review expenditures charged to any credit cards. Run a credit check to see if there are any hidden charge cards. 

Your marriage is in troubled waters. You need to keep a sharp eye but act with calmness and confidence. You'll be okay no matter what.


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

I've thought about it but she is really anal about cleaning her car. She would find it in no time.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

How about this?

"We have been married for 13 years and have three kids. You have done things that have led me to believe that you have cheated on me. If you don't start telling me the truth, starting with who is the person you called/texted 80 times a day, I am going to just assume you cheated on me and I will file for divorce. If anyone asks me why I am divorcing you, I will tell them that you called/texted someone 80 times a day, I suspect it's an affair, and you refuse to tell me anything about it."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Oh, completely ignore any further accusations of being "controling". That accusation is HER attempt at contolling your behavior.


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

There are only 2 nights that stick out to me. Feb2 and 9th. The 2nd she went to watch a movie with her sister, legit. Her sister says they went out together but i dont think they did. On the 9th the odd family member was 2 nieces that she has that shes met once. Asked her to go to a movie out of town. I said thats odd eh? Well i kinda want to get to know them and they asked. So that is the only familyish issue as of late. Alot of i forgot to lock the doors at work had to run back stuff. 6 years ago i think she had an EA but i couldnt prove it. Other than that the year leading up to dday was great. lot of sex, felt love, few fights. Before she changed jobs the wheels fell off.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> How about this?
> 
> "We have been married for 13 years and have three kids. You have done things that have led me to believe that you have cheated on me. If you don't start telling me the truth, starting with who is the person you called/texted 80 times a day, I am going to just assume you cheated on me and I will file for divorce. If anyone asks me why I am divorcing you, I will tell them that you called/texted someone 80 times a day, I suspect it's an affair, and you refuse to tell me anything about it."


This is a more direct approach. IF (HUGE IF) you can stiffen your spine and not cave in to whatever bullsnot excuse she feeds you then this is the way to go. Something tells me your resolve will be softened with her tears.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

JK, this has been going on a long time, right? This from three years ago?

_Been married 10 years in june, we have 3 kids, 10,6,3. Wife works most evenings and weekends i work days. 5 years ago we had a big problem where she was constantly goin out to the bars with friends and her sister, worked through that then 2 years ago she met a guy at a wedding, got a second cell phone that she hid and talked to him alot over 3 months. She didnt pay bills on time, my truck got repo'd house was in foreclosure. Got all that straightened out saved some money paid off all credit cards.


Last month found out she had a facebook account where she was talking with an ex bf that i knew nothing about. Found a pic on there where she was out drinking with a gf when i thought she was at work. I find myself snooping all the time, i feel so insecure i cant stand it. No matter what i say to her she wont be open with me. I just dont know what to do or where to turn, i wake up and feel so depressed, she'll ask why and i just tell her i dunno becuase if i do it just opens an arguement.

I've mentioned councling numerous times but she always says shes not goin because ppl always make her fee like its her fault. I'm just starting to feel like this isnt worth saving anymore......​_


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

Yeah actually i thought it was 6 years ago when the issue was. I guess i tried to put it out of my mind. This time she has been open to counseling but im not sure if it will happen.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What kind of work does she do that she's responsible for locking up? Have you met her coworkers?


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

walkonmars said:


> What kind of work does she do that she's responsible for locking up? Have you met her coworkers?


Shes a store manager for rite aid. Small store just started. 35 miles out of town and the OM have been local.


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## WTHiswrong (Feb 18, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> How about this?
> 
> "We have been married for 13 years and have three kids. You have done things that have led me to believe that you have cheated on me. If you don't start telling me the truth, starting with who is the person you called/texted 80 times a day, I am going to just assume you cheated on me and I will file for divorce. If anyone asks me why I am divorcing you, I will tell them that you called/texted someone 80 times a day, I suspect it's an affair, and you refuse to tell me anything about it."


I agree. Sounds like it could be someone close to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jkfox624 said:


> I've thought about it but she is really anal about cleaning her car. She would find it in no time.


That changes nothing. Put in the VAR. If she finds it, she finds it. who's the man here, anyway?

What kind of phone does she have?

Do other women hit on you?


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> That changes nothing. Put in the VAR. If she finds it, she finds it. who's the man here, anyway?
> 
> What kind of phone does she have?
> 
> Do other women hit on you?


She has a samsung fascinate. Other women might hit on me but im not interested so i cant say i really pay attention. I work construction 50+ hours a week then usually come home and deal with stuff around the house or make cabinets in my shop. Sadly i dont have much of a life outside work and home.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

jkfox624 said:


> *But im annoyed the other number wont return my calls, texts nothing.* Spineless prick. The number hasnt been on her phone since the 12th but tonight i see a 0000006245 or something that i read is instant msg to help hide identity.


have you tried spokeo to find the name associated with the phone number
Spokeo People Search | White Pages | Find People


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

Maybe i should just pay the money and find out but atm im 2 months behind on my mortgage and next payment is due on the 25th.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

check your PM


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jkfox624 said:


> She has a samsung fascinate. Other women might hit on me but im not interested so i cant say i really pay attention. I work construction 50+ hours a week then usually come home and deal with stuff around the house or make cabinets in my shop. Sadly i dont have much of a life outside work and home.


Let me phrase it differently, how tall are you and what do you weigh? What's your workout schedule?

What kind of job does your wife have? What % of the family income does she bring in?

If you're doing 50 a week at the job site and out in the shop the rest of the time, I don't really see how you're maintaining a relationship with a woman. There are certain well known biological imperatives at work in human beings and you seem to be ignoring them.

You also seem to be averse to actually running intel ops on your wife. VAR her car. Spyware on the Android. If she finds it just say, "I'm not playing around anymore like I did for the last 8 years and now I want real answers."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> You also seem to be averse to actually running intel ops on your wife. VAR her car. Spyware on the Android. If she finds it just say, "I'm not playing around anymore like I did for the last 8 years and now I want real answers."


:iagree: with this so much here it is again:

*"I'm not playing around anymore like I did for the last 8 years and now I want real answers."*


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> Let me phrase it differently, how tall are you and what do you weigh? What's your workout schedule?
> 
> What kind of job does your wife have? What % of the family income does she bring in?
> 
> ...


6 foot 160, work is enough workout for me. Shes a store manager for rite aid, she brings in about 50% of income. Most of the time im in the shop shes at work, that has def been a huge downfall of our marriage. her last job was nights this being a commute combined with her weekly required training gives us about 16 hours a week. Tbh she really shouldnt have time to cheat. But i guess they find a way. Communication has always been a bad point. And i wouldnt doubt she grabs onto a flirtacious advance and it fills the void of not being with me. Then it grows.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You know whats going on here. Time to bring the hammer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Take her out to dinner one of the next few nights and lay it out either she gives up male friends whether fb or whatever or your divorcing. Tell her you will cut down the hours working at home and offer maybe 1 or 2 sessions of mc pick one with experience with ptsd though. Then see what happens.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep track of the mileage on her car . See if she's making unaccounted for long runs.

Get the var use strong Velcro tape either under the seat or under up inside the drivers console.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

When you decide to stop being weak and offering excuses as to why you can't do the suggestions being made, come back and ask for advice again.

Otherwise, you are wasting our time.

You don't need to be a neanderthal, but you got to man up a little more than this to make things work.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jkfox624 said:


> 6 foot 160, work is enough workout for me.


It is enough if it keeps you within "The Golden Ratio".



jkfox624 said:


> Shes a store manager for rite aid, she brings in about 50% of income. Most of the time im in the shop shes at work, that has def been a huge downfall of our marriage. her last job was nights this being a commute combined with her weekly required training gives us about 16 hours a week.


Unless you spend every minute of that time alone doing "couple" things, it ain't enough time to maintain an LTR.



jkfox624 said:


> * Tbh she really shouldnt have time to cheat.* But i guess they find a way. Communication has always been a bad point. And i wouldnt doubt she grabs onto a flirtacious advance and it fills the void of not being with me. Then it grows.


She's got plenty of time for that. Now, it's time for you to run your own little investigation.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> It is enough if it keeps you within "The Golden Ratio".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The fact you found this forum is a good thing but now you have to find out where your huevos fell and step it up sorry you are getting solid advice.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay, just throwing disparaging comments about your manhood isn't exactly helping, but really, the whining has to stop.

I can smell the fear from here and if I can, so can your wife. SHE is not feeling this way...or she's a way better actress.

Now this 'surety' on her part can come from one of two things, at least as far as I read it (and bear in mind, I am NO expert...but I have slept in Holiday Inn Expresses a lot. Still working on that unified field theory...)

First, she doesn't care if you leave.

AND/OR she knows you are so emotionally invested in the relationship that there is zero chance you will leave.

So here is a data point: she's had an emotional reationship with a man before...and you think she's spread for this current man. THINK, not KNOW.

Data Point: I do NOT text any woman 80 times unless she is my personal assistant or I want to have sex with her...or am also very emotionally engaged (which means I am waiting to have sex with her) What do you want to bet she's any different?

Data point: She is showing more loyalty to her reputation and/or this other guy than she is showing you.

Counterinterpretation: She knows she blew this TOTALLY and if she reveals who it is, she has totally fvcked at least her marraige and probably someone else's marriage/relationship/career and she is desperate for this to be over. But she isn't reading desperate. You, on the other hand, are.

So...what advice would I give? Frankly, you got a LOT of ground to make up, and I am very theatrical, so take this with a grain of salt.

I would go to her Rite Aid store near lunch time. I'd carry an 18 inch monkey wrench and be joined by a couple of very large construction type friends of yours. Do this unannounced.

When she asks what the hell you are doing there, say "marking my territory." I would ask her in normal tones to think very hard about continuing to refuse to tell you who this man was. If there are employee witnesses, too fvcking bad.

Meanwhile, Huey and Louise should be going though the store looking for male employees, standing very close to them and asking perfectly innocent questions like "how well do you know Mrs. X?" "Are you facebook friends with her?" "How often do you join her for lunch?"

If the OM is in her store, he will get the message LOUD AND CLEAR.

No threats...just questions and PRESENCE. Both her and the OM think that they can continue these actions with impunity with no blow back. You very strongly need to cure them both of this delusion.

Frankly, prior to this, I would provide all the information to a PI. Heck, I'd STEAL my wife's phone and give it to the PI.

Really, at this point, what do you have to lose?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you want an effective confrontation you will need a plan.

It sucks but you will have to get the pain full sh1t you have to have to call her out....VAR, GPS, Keylogger, and a pen cam..

Once you got the goods then you can have an effective confrontation theat brings theis sh1t up front and center.

Once that happen then you can fiund put if this is an exit affair or some bull crap fantasy that has your old ladt all worked up.

At the end of the day .....bad behavior will continue if there are not consequences..........so if you think you can nice your way out of this sh1t you are phucking wrong!

#1 rule have the confidence to let her go... a tactic that will second guess your chicks choices...tough love....make her think twice in what she is about to lose.


Crying b1tches and whinny guys dont work .......chicks love confident men and right now your attraction level is so low that having an ego might get you a few point.

raise your attraction level by showing her you will no ,longer tolorate sharing you wife and ask her to leave...she may not leave but she will respect the fact that you are no longer taking her sh1t.

Brother ...right now you need your respect back....and that is worth itsd wieght in gold........even our cheating b1tches can see when we have had enought...so step up my man and take care of you!


Its a start ...we can work with you from here on out.....she will mind phuck you ...she will try to get back that guy that let her screw around......now you have "talk about marriage" and so she will see a new cat with a new additude.....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

pay irt forward


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

*"She was posting cleavage shots on fb". *

Which married woman would do it? It's all obvious. You don't have many options now. 

Maybe you will want to find out what happened (Like we all do - forever), but I don't think there will be any pleasant surprises awaiting you.

Time for decisions.


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## jkfox624 (Jan 29, 2010)

I demanded full disclosure yesterday. I got some more info but i know not all of it. She says she was emotionally attached to him but it never went physical. 50/50 on that imo. I told her who i thought it was and she didnt deny my suspicion just said i told you im not naming names its over and it doesnt matter anymore. After some more research on her fb that i reactivated for a bit i was right. He had me blocked so i couldnt see his comments so he knew what he was doing. Only awesome thing is i found out he broke his hip or leg yesterday. Karmas a *****. Should i msg him from her fb and see what response i get back to get a feel on where this is. Ive got the word out around town and within his circle of friends that i know what hes doing and that hes a spineless **** trying to expose it so it cant be hidden as easy if it is still going on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Is he married?
Oh, your wife's answer of "I told you I'm not naming names" is completely and utterly unacceptable. According to her statement, she is entitled to have and hold secrets. Information that you, as her husband are entitled to know.

Tell her secrets are unacceptable. Tell her only single people are entitled to privacy and secrecy of that sort. So if she wants to continue to enjoy the perks of singlehood you will arrange it at a time of your choosing so she should expect that from you in future.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you demanded full disclosure and didn't get it. Now what? The fact that you're setting out boundaries and not enforcing them is worse than not setting them out in the first place. What you're doing is enforcing the fact that there's no consequences to her behaviour. The fact that he's a spineless POS or not is not the issue. The fact that she's valuing him over you is the issue. Until you resolve that, the rest is meaningless.

Just saying...

C


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Is he married?
> Oh, your wife's answer of "I told you I'm not naming names" is completely and utterly unacceptable. According to her statement, she is entitled to have and hold secrets. Information that you, as her husband are entitled to know.
> 
> Tell her secrets are unacceptable. Tell her only single people are entitled to privacy and secrecy of that sort. So if she wants to continue to enjoy the perks of singlehood you will arrange it at a time of your choosing so she should expect that from you in future.


I would tell the woman "You tell me who it is or we are through". "You are going to choose me or you are going to choose your lover". "Regardless, the choice is being made tonight..."


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jkfox624 said:


> Last couple months have been horrible. Barely get a kiss at night, i love you's are muffled and under her breath. I started documenting oddities in her schedule.
> 
> Having to stay late, going out with odd family members i didnt know.
> 
> ...


Also realize that this may not be her first rodeo.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

From 2010 :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/10942-dont-know-where-turn.html



> Been married 10 years in june, we have 3 kids, 10,6,3. Wife works most evenings and weekends i work days. 5 years ago we had a big problem where she was constantly goin out to the bars with friends and her sister, worked through that then 2 years ago she met a guy at a wedding, got a second cell phone that she hid and talked to him alot over 3 months. She didnt pay bills on time, my truck got repo'd house was in foreclosure. Got all that straightened out saved some money paid off all credit cards.
> 
> Last month found out she had a facebook account where she was talking with an ex bf that i knew nothing about. Found a pic on there where she was out drinking with a gf when i thought she was at work. I find myself snooping all the time, i feel so insecure i cant stand it. No matter what i say to her she wont be open with me. I just dont know what to do or where to turn, i wake up and feel so depressed, she'll ask why and i just tell her i dunno becuase if i do it just opens an arguement.
> 
> I've mentioned councling numerous times but she always says shes not goin because ppl always make her fee like its her fault. I'm just starting to feel like this isnt worth saving anymore......


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/11324-sexless-marriage.html



> So as we work through the issues we had with the other man on facebook asking for the nude pics ive been trying to find answers to why. I know everything happens for a reason, it has a cause and effect. I asked my wife what about our marriage led this to happen so i can change it. She repeatedly says she doesnt know why it happened. Lie or not there has to be something amiss. Our sex life has been borderline at best, maybe once a month, nothing spectacular just the same deal everytime. I found one of those famous quizzes, got her to take it with me.
> 
> Mine said.....
> 
> ...


So she is a serial cheater. She has been cheating for at least 8 years. probably more. I lost count of the incidents of infidelity just in what you have posted in these three threads.



> 2010: Been married 10 years in june, we have 3 kids, 10,6,3.


So six years ago she was cheating and you have a six year old child. You posted a lot in 2010 and you have a 3 year old child. Sorry to say this but I would be getting the kids DNA tested.

Then of course the absurdity of you and her being on opposite shifts including the weekends. The good news is that you really are not married to this woman. There are children in the marriage of course and maybe one or more of them are yours. This is the only issue really. The children. She is not living in a sexless marriage but you are.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jkfox624 said:


> Only awesome thing is i found out he broke his hip or leg yesterday. Karmas a *****.


Sorry, not karma. Karma only happens in the next life. However, if you were the guy who did the breaking for him, that's called "satisfaction."



jkfox624 said:


> Should i msg him from her fb and see what response i get back to get a feel on where this is. Ive got the word out around town and within his circle of friends that i know what hes doing and that hes a spineless **** trying to expose it so it cant be hidden as easy if it is still going on.


The only reason to contact him would be to issue a threat or, better yet, a challenge. Those are both essentially illegal, so ignore him. Unless you're willing to run the legal risk in order to achieve a positive outcome with your wife. Nothing says alpha like taking out the OM, but I generally discourage that.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I do not understand. There seems to be no consequences to her actions to be involved at the very least in an emotional affair with another man. If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you? I doubt it. She is really demeaning you and your marriage. 

I have a hunch that she gets involved in these affairs because she knows that even if she is eventually found out that there are simply no consequences to her actions so why should she ever stop?

Please remember this saying: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Her continuous actions and her refusal to even name her OM shows she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ok have her take a polygraph also.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> The fb is totaly under my control so it cant be reactivated by her without my consent. Changed email and pw. I just dont know what to do, she says she wants to make it work but the thought of her legs spread for another man then come home to sleep with me turns my stomach. 13 years of marriage and 3 kids.


What do you want people here to say???? Your posting here in 2013 like its all brand new to you. You already know she's been cheating from your 2010 post. 

You already should know what needs to be done but you magically expect her to change with no consequences for her actions. Ok so now you've been collecting more then 3 years of evidence of her actions. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???


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