# Why so negative?



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Why do you think some people can't break past from being so negative? I have been currently seeing someone for the past few months, and he just seems so negative about things, pretty much life in general. 

He doesn't see the good in a lot of things or people, including me at times. I do think this is a deal breaker for me. We are not married and have no kids, so Its not like I'm really tied to him. I try to be positive, even in a world where things are not always positive. I was hoping I might rub off on him and be a positive influence, but apparently not. 

I met his mother not long ago, and the few times I have been around her, she comes across like this as well. Negative/depressed. So even though its possible he has learned this behavior, he has said himself he knows he acts this way. I would think if they know they act like that, they would want to change things for themselves. :scratchhead: I wonder if there is some kind of payoff for remaining that way? 

He has told me before that when he gets like that, he can't just turn it back from negative to positive like a light switch. I would think you could if you looked at it from a thought process stand point. In other words, your thoughts have to do with your feelings/actions. So if you think negative thoughts then that how you will come across to others etc. 

I suggested him talking with his doctor or someone to maybe see if they could help or makes suggestions, but he doesn't seem to want to do that. 

Thoughts?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nope. That is just how he is, how he's always been, and how he will be.

My 12 year old has been that way since birth. lol. We try tons of things and she's just a "glass is half-empty" type of person.

It's only been a few months....time to move on. Why deal with this in a new relationship? Find someone who is positive.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> "glass is half-empty" type of person.


Thanks for the reply. I really like what you said above. That is one way to call it. 

I do believe in HIS case, this is a learned behavior, and I guess what I find so sad is, he doesn't want to do anything about it, not for the sake of a relationship and mainly for himself. 

I will see him this weekend so I will be talking with him then. I too think its time to move on. I'm just not that kind of person to be so negative, it brings me down to be around people like that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Could be learned, could be hereditary.

My daughter's father was and is the same way--- she lives with me. Learned? not really. Like I said, she's been this way since she was TINY.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I just know is parents are still married. His dad drinks and has cheated for most of the marriage. 

His mother is one of these types, that looks away or sweeps things under the rug. I see why she might be depressed and negative. BUT some of her depression and negativity, I think not only comes from things that were done to her, but her choices as well. You're right some of it could be hereditary for him too. 

His sisters both have issues as well. He did mention to me once he wondered what things would have been like if his mom had just went ahead and divorced his dad instead of staying. Wow what a load on the mind and heart to carry around your whole life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If it's depression, it could be hereditary.

If it's negativity, it could be learned.

Either way, do you want your children to be this way if you should stay with him hoping he'll change?

My view on dating is like, this: You date to find the RIGHT person. You're going to go through a ton of asshats, not-righters, etc until you find the RIGHT man. It kinda sucks but it's kinda cool at the same time.

Fact is, I don't think you think he's Mr. Right. So why waste any more time? It just didn't work out--- it doesn't make you bad people. He just has a lot of baggage that I don't think is a good thing if you want a healthy relationship.

Settling for whatever reason will only lead to misery.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> If it's depression, it could be hereditary.
> 
> If it's negativity, it could be learned


:smthumbup: I see it this way as well.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think it is hereditary. There is a woman at work like this. We call her Eeyore. It is like there is always a cloud hanging over her head. Luckily she is not married, so she can't be a perpetual downer to a spouse. I have tried pointing out this trait to her, but she says that I am a Polyanna. I don't think such people can change without a huge amount of effort to replace the constant negative thoughts with positive ones.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Perspective is an interesting thing.

My ex is convinced that I am a, 'glass half empty', and cynical kind of guy.

Nobody else would describe me that way. I certainly don't feel that way.

What I find interesting is that even if we are together with the kids, (which we are reasonably often) I am upbeat, laughing, and having a grand ole' time, she STILL sees me in that negative light.

Frankly, I think it because she NEEDS to see me that way, for whatever reason.

Not saying this is your case at all, but your post reminded me that you truly don't have much control over what brushes people choose to paint you with.

If the dude is bringing you down ... time to move on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

He could be of a Menoncholy Temperment also. Scroll down on this link and read the traits of the 4 temperments . Each has its good and it's bad and he is likely drowning in the bad. 


Fig Hunter - Temperaments


I am secondary Melencholy, I used to be MORE pessimistic than I am today- I have had to recognize I had these unfavorable traits in some degree & overcome them when I am around people. But I will ALWAYS have a measure of this.

For instance -- if someone tells me any plans they may have or asks me an opinion , I can automatically asses almost immeidiately everything that can or might go wrong ! We tend to think like this. 

In a more positive light, this does 2 things... It keeps us from danger many times.... and gives us much celebration when things do go GOOD instead of the worst we already concocted in our minds. 

Plus his upbringing, his dad's drinking, cheating, his Mom's depression, negativity, these things play a HUGE role as well. He may be ANGRY about his life, the course it has taken, or doesn't feel he can reach his goals. 

We all need to be put in the company of those who are uplifting, at least attempt to be positive, and encourage us along the way. Until he sees it is a problem in his relationships and cares to take ownership of these things, striving to overcome them, it will likely continue....and bring you down.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When live gives you lemons, make a cannon that shoots lemons and rob a bank.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. My husband is pretty negative as well. He comes from a family where there is depression, anger, blame, negativity,alcoholism, conflict avoidance. Pretty much no one has coping/communication skills. its kinda sad actually. 

For my husband, I think his issues are both hereditary and learned. The good news is, he can unlearn them if he wants with lots of time, and patience from himself, a good therapist. My situation is some what different than yours being that I am married with kids and you are just dating your b/f. 

I will tell you, for me its been a long road. Bumps that I really didn't think we would get past. We still work on things everyday and always will. Its part of marriage. For you though, if this is something you feel you can't deal with it, then you need to cut your ties now. 

For me I learned to take care of myself and not take his negativity so personal. Once you learn the source from which something come from, it might make it a little easier to put feelings aside and understand the negativity comes from a bigger issue.


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