# Husband not interested in me anymore



## Kity (Mar 25, 2011)

Firstly im new here and wanted to say hello 

Got married in 2009 things were good before we got married but the last time we have been intimate was on our honeymoon. There has been nothing since despite me telling him how it makes me feel, not wanted, unattractive etc, he said it would change but again nothing. I then told him i couldn't do this anymore, he promised it would change but yet again it didin't. I don't know what i can do as he doesn't want to talk about it. Just wanted a wee bit of advice.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Leave. He has deceived you in a major way. You deserve to feel loved, sexy and wanted, everybody does.


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## Kity (Mar 25, 2011)

Thank you for your reply - i appreciate it greatly. 
All i want is to feel loved and wanted.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Kity said:


> Thank you for your reply - i appreciate it greatly.
> All i want is to feel loved and wanted.


Clearly he has some major issues. You have given him times to do something about them. He has showed zero interest, this tells me he does not care about you and your needs.

I would move on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Gay? Green Card Wedding?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kity (Mar 25, 2011)

i think thats why im so upset because i realise that our marriage is at an end. I feel like such a disappointment given that i have only been married for just over a year.


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## Kity (Mar 25, 2011)

green card wedding? No we are both from the same place.
gay? dunno i have never asked him. Never thought about it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You have not had intimate relations with your husband for well over a full year ! Why the hesitation to leave him?

What do you feel is HIS issue? Porn addiction? Does he masterbate, do you see him looking at other women? Men?

Is he on any new medications that affect his Libido?


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## Kity (Mar 25, 2011)

Because i feel like i would be letting a lot of people down and because im in my early 20's i don't want anyone to think i just gave up which is why i have tried over and over again but i don't seem to be getting anywhere.

I have no idea whatsoever what his issue is, never found any porn or anything. If we are out in the car i would see him have the odd glance. 

He isn't on any medication - nothing.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

What have you done to initiate sex? Does he turn you down? Are you waiting for him to approach you? Has he seen a doctor about his lack of desire? Have you been to a marriage counselor?


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## Kity (Mar 25, 2011)

Well for example he would just announce he was going to bed and walk on leaving me to turn off lights, lock door etc so by the time i get up the stairs to bed he is "asleep" (the quickest person i know to fall asleep so quickly).

Rang to see if we could get an appointment today with a counselor and i told him. He said ok but didn't want to talk about it!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Kity said:


> Because i feel like i would be letting a lot of people down and because im in my early 20's i don't want anyone to think i just gave up which is why i have tried over and over again but i don't seem to be getting anywhere.
> 
> I have no idea whatsoever what his issue is, never found any porn or anything. If we are out in the car i would see him have the odd glance.
> 
> He isn't on any medication - nothing.


This is your life and as you said you are only in your early 20's. You have plenty of time to have a full filling life. Do not stay and regret it later, because the only person you are really letting down is your self.

If other people are upset that you leave him, well quite frankly they should marry him.


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## Kity (Mar 25, 2011)

lol Syrum you really made me laugh there about them marrying him.

but you do have a really good point i know i shouldn't care what others think.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

So it sounds like neither one of you initiate sex. You might try it and see what his reaction is. 

That is good that you've made an appointment. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of the problem. Then you will know if it is something you can work on or if it is time to part ways.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Kity said:


> lol Syrum you really made me laugh there about them marrying him.
> 
> but you do have a really good point i know i shouldn't care what others think.


Please listen to me. You are YOUNG, you have an entire life ahead of you, Sex/making love/intimacy/affection , these things are beautiful, they are meant to be within marraige shared on a regular basis with pleasurable enjoyment, these things are stress relievers, what we do to make up after fighting, Biblically it is 2 people becoming "one", it brings us emotional connection, keeps many from resentment. 

NEVER worry about the Judgers in life. It makes no difference if you are a Saint, someone will come along and JUDGE, this you can count on. Syrum is right, let them "marry" him and walk a month in your shoes. 

YOU will regret wasting these years if you stay in a sexless unfullfilling marrraige. Terrible regret. Read some stories from this site http://sexlessmarriage.yuku.com/ this will open your eyes to the pain that never ends. 

You need to sit him down, have a long talk. You said he doesn't want to talk about it. This is NOT acceptable! If he is NOT willing to go see a counselor, go see a medical Doctor to look into his Test levels, this IS & should BE a DEAL BREAKER. 

Move on, find happiness with another, at your age, most men are dying for sex!


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## Kity (Mar 25, 2011)

SimplyAmorous - I have been reading a few stories on the site tonight and this may sound silly but i thought i was the only one going through this. It has helped me alot to know i am not alone. I know what u are saying about men my age dying for sex, well my friend got married a few months before me and obviously we talk and i could cry everytime she talks about her sex life i haven't told her about my marriage as i am very embarrassed about it. I did tell him if counselling doesn't work then i am done. I will just walk away.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

I might just add...try confiding to your closest friend or relative. Somebody needs to be there for you. It's a tough thing you've been handed.

You've done well getting some info and educating yourself. 

good luck at the counselor kity


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

I got married when I was 21 (after being together for 6 years and having an active sex life) and after getting married my husbands libido took a major dive. I'm not sure how it relates to the act of getting married - but I know now that it had a lot to do with power dynamics in the relationship and self-esteem. 

Our situation has since changed (6 years married this year - it changed maybe...2 or 3 years ago?). Husband no longer works with me, and I don't work at all. I respect him for what he does for our family and I think that has boosted his self-esteem enormously. I've definitely noticed him interacting with other people differently - and I can honestly say that it turns me on more to see that.

Perhaps he's dealing with depression? Or the stress of having a family to provide for is taking it's toll? I would definitely go to the marriage counselling before leaving him. My husband is my best friend and if I left every time things didn't go exactly how I wanted them to I don't believe I would be any happier for it. Relationships require work from both parties. Try the counselling - if he's completely uninterested in trying to fix things after talking to a medical professional then I would agree - time to move on.

Best wishes on whichever way you end up going. I can't even imagine getting a divorce so young


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Better to know now then in 14 years. He isn't listening to you or just doesn't care.

You are young. I married my husband at 19, I am 32 now. I am not so young anymore. Do what YOU feel is the right thing to do. That is the only thing you can do. You shouldn't care what others think, it is your life and you have to live in it, not them.

You both need to sit talk about this without any distractions, it isn't going to go away. You can't sweep this under the rug and expect it to get any better on it's own, it won't it will just fester and eventually you will grow to hate him and either leave him or find what is missing from your life with someone else. Talking about this issue is hard, but it needs to be done and it needs to be done now.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Kity - I really couldn't agree more with all of the above.
However I think you need to rule out any medical problems that might be affecting your husbands libido. He might be developing diabetes for example.

If there is no medical reason, then leave before things get complicated by children, mortgage, loans etc.

Even if there is a medical reason you might still want to leave because you also have the fundemental right to be happy...not just in life but also between the sheets!


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

Kity said:


> Because i feel like i would be letting a lot of people down and because im in my early 20's i don't want anyone to think i just gave up which is why i have tried over and over again but i don't seem to be getting anywhere.
> 
> I have no idea whatsoever what his issue is, never found any porn or anything. If we are out in the car i would see him have the odd glance.
> 
> He isn't on any medication - nothing.


Don't let the opinion of others guide your decision on the level of happiness for the rest of your life. 

Each person has their breaking point (I'm nearing 15 years with mine). There is a severe lack of communication between the two of you. I hope the counselor can get you two to start talking openly about the issue.

Good luck.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Syrum said:


> Leave. He has deceived you in a major way. You deserve to feel loved, sexy and wanted, everybody does.


What, no top 20 list?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Kobo said:


> What, no top 20 list?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So start one then.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Brennan said:


> So start one then.


Like I said in that thread, her meeting a list is not going to get her the sex she desires. Her husband does not feel the need to meet her sexual expectations. Giving her a list of things that husbands like won't change that. He needs to decide for himself that he will no longer take his wife for granted. My comment was not to have a list developed. It's to show the continued double standard that goes on. Wife not having sex with you, try these 20 things and maybe if she decides not to resent you then you'll get a little. Husband not having sex with you, leave the [email protected]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Kobo said:


> Like I said in that thread, her meeting a list is not going to get her the sex she desires. Her husband does not feel the need to meet her sexual expectations. Giving her a list of things that husbands like won't change that. He needs to decide for himself that he will no longer take his wife for granted. My comment was not to have a list developed. It's to show the continued double standard that goes on. Wife not having sex with you, try these 20 things and maybe if she decides not to resent you then you'll get a little. Husband not having sex with you, leave the [email protected]
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a slight difference between a man last having sex with his wife two years ago and on their honeymoon vs. a man not having sex more than once a week. That isn't a double standard, the situtations are completely different.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Brennan said:


> There is a slight difference between a man last having sex with his wife two years ago and on their honeymoon vs. a man not having sex more than once a week. That isn't a double standard, the situtations are completely different.



Giving a man pity sex once a week is no better than not giving him any. In fact he will eventually decline Ur offer of pity sex. In both cases the sexual needs of The spouse are not being met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Kobo said:


> Giving a man pity sex once a week is no better than not giving him any. In fact he will eventually decline Ur offer of pity sex. In both cases the sexual needs of The spouse are not being met.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't see the difference between a newlywed not having sex since their wedding night and someone doing it once a week after 10 years of marriage? One is fraud.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Please read ANY of my threads on this subject.

It is not going to get any better...I'm sorry.

I've got 27 years invested in my marriage and can't give up so easily.

You're into this at the beginning, now is your chance to deal with it before you are back on TAM in 27 years complaining about the same issue.

It's very painful and degrading and demeaning and will destroy your self-esteem and image if you let it - don't.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You had sex on your wedding night? Wow sounds nice. We didnt
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Brennan said:


> You don't see the difference between a newlywed not having sex since their wedding night and someone doing it once a week after 10 years of marriage? One is fraud.


 He doesn't meet her needs. Doesn't matter if it's 10 years later or the day after the honeymoon. In either case Completing a list of do's and don'ts won't get her the sex she desires unless he decides that he wants to meet her sexual needs. 

Also, do you not consider your friends that are waiting it out to get out of their marriages frauds? I mean they don't want to be married to their husbands yet they stay.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Kobo said:


> He doesn't meet her needs. Doesn't matter if it's 10 years later or the day after the honeymoon. In either case Completing a list of do's and don'ts won't get her the sex she desires unless he decides that he wants to meet her sexual needs.
> 
> Also, do you not consider your friends that are waiting it out to get out of their marriages frauds? I mean they don't want to be married to their husbands yet they stay.


She's not going to get the sex she wants with this guy. Sex drive shuts down the DAY after the wedding? Fraud. 

Don't want to t/j. If you want to ask me about my friends, ask me in my thread.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Brennan said:


> She's not going to get the sex she wants with this guy. Sex drive shuts down the DAY after the wedding? Fraud.
> 
> Don't want to t/j. If you want to ask me about my friends, ask me in my thread.



Of course she won't that why trying to meet up to a list is non-sense. Just like your friends he has decided that the needs of his partner isn't important to him. He'll justify with a list of items that can't be met unless your name is Jesus and then place the number 1 item on the list as resentment so that just in case she can meet those items he can pull that card.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Kobo said:


> Of course she won't that why trying to meet up to a list is non-sense. Just like your friends he has decided that the needs of his partner isn't important to him. He'll justify with a list of items that can't be met unless your name is Jesus and then place the number 1 item on the list as resentment so that just in case she can meet those items he can pull that card.


My friends didn't decide anything. They asked for change for years. It didn't happen. You seem to want to attack them.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Brennan said:


> My friends didn't decide anything. They asked for change for years. It didn't happen. You seem to want to attack them.



Not attacking them at all. No more than I am attacking the husband in this thread.


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