# Husband doesn't want more kids but refuses to get fixed!



## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

My husband and I have 2 kids (mine from a previous marriage) and I just found out I am pregnant. My husband has been very stern that he does not want anymore children after this baby, which is fine with me but I wouldn't mind having more. So I brought up the discussion of a more permanent form of birth control once I deliver the baby and suggested he should get a vasectomy because #1 He's the one who doesn't want more kids and #2 the procedure is much simpler than me having a tubal ligation. He refused, and when I ask him why he only response is I don't want to. So I stated to him, you know I would be fine if I got pregnant again but you eoinld't, so what would we do then? His response, "well you could have an abortion." I was livid! I couldn't believe a man I call my "husband" could say such a thing to me and be so selfish! It immediately started an argument and I honestly can't stand to even look at him right now. He feels it's no big deal for a married couple to use abortion as a form of bc, and that I am overreacting. I don't even know how I feel about him right now. I couldn't wait to leave the house and get away from him! I don't see him in the same light anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Each of you have rights over your own bodies.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy, that is fine. If you don't want an abortion, that is fine. I assume you don't want to use birth control (which is fine), and he doesn't want to use or doesn't trust condoms (which is fine). 

If there is no vasectomy or possibility of abortion, and no birth control, then both of you are aware that there is a significant chance you could become pregnant if you have sex. So each of you should only agree to sex if you are happy to raise a child that might result.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just tell him that you will not use birth control and you will not get an abortion if you get pregnant.

And tell him that he is responsible for not making any more babies if he does not want them. 

Just be aware that he could chose to leave you and/or never have sex with you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He needs to get over his childish attitude and fears regarding vasectomies! 

It is a far simpler procedure to undergo than a tubal ligation on a female; and if he's anywhere near serious about not wanting to bring another child into the world, he would submit to it without the least amount of hesitation!*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband has never had a biological child, there's a very good chance once he gets that baby in his arms and discovers the power of that love the thought of aborting a child will become an impossibility. 

There's also the chance that if the baby is colicky after a few days of no sleep you may find your husband in the kitchen at 3AM performing a self vasectomy with a butter knife!

I would cut him a little slack on his comment, your perspective as a mother is very different than his current perspective as a man with no biological children. Let him know why his off handed comment hurt you so much, don't make an argument out of it but let him know that isn't something you say to a mother. Revisit the issue after the baby is born.

Personally I don't get the whole fear of vasectomy thing, I've had one and many of my friends have had it done, I don't know one person that had any negative experiences.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife chose to have a tubal ligation. It was actually pretty simple. Laparoscopic surgery, entry through the belly button. 

Afterwards some male members of her family were shocked, and said it was good I was still able to have children. They suggested I could divorce Mary and get another wife and continue to have more children. Of course this hurt Mary. These are members of Mary's own family! Her own cohort, her age. She never even associated with anyone older than her in her own family, except her mother, and aunts, and the guy who claimed to be her father. I couldn't believe what idiots they were. Religion. No end to the stupidity people will use it for.

So I paid for a vasectomy. Insurance wouldn't since they had just paid for Mary's tubal ligation. Between the two operations the vasectomy was actually rougher. Mine was not as easy as most, and I had some complications. But everything works okay and I am very glad I did it.

Mary brags about it to all her stupid relatives, shoving it in their faces, so to speak. 

As for your husband saying you could get an abortion, and being insensitive to your revulsion over that, I can't begin to understand how he could be that insensitive. 

I agree with you completely on that.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your emotional because your pregnate . You tried to push this issue by telling him to get snipped if he don't want anymore children.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sweetiern87 said:


> My husband and I have 2 kids (mine from a previous marriage) and I just found out I am pregnant. My husband has been very stern that he does not want anymore children after this baby, which is fine with me but* I wouldn't mind having more. So I brought up the discussion of a more permanent form of birth control once I deliver the baby and suggested he should get a vasectomy because #1 He's the one who doesn't want more kids and #2 the procedure is much simpler than me having a tubal ligation.* He refused, and when I ask him why he only response is I don't want to. So I stated to him, you know I would be fine if I got pregnant again but you eoinld't, so what would we do then? His response, "well you could have an abortion." I was livid! I couldn't believe a man I call my "husband" could say such a thing to me and be so selfish! It immediately started an argument and I honestly can't stand to even look at him right now. He feels it's no big deal for a married couple to use abortion as a form of bc, and that I am overreacting. I don't even know how I feel about him right now. I couldn't wait to leave the house and get away from him! I don't see him in the same light anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way?


Jeeeeze!

Did you read what you wrote?

You said that he does not want any more children. You said OK, but your husband needs to be the one to be "fixed". 

He said no.

You THEN SAID that *you* would like to have more children. Uh, if he is fixed there can be no more children. Unless you cheat or get divorced sometime later.
That is not what you said, of course, but that is how I read it. 

You are basically telling him that I do not want to get my tubes tied because I still want to have more children...with you or with some other male schlubb.

He does not want anymore children and does not want to get fixed. His reason is what? Fear of the operation? Fear of losing potency? Just on general principles or religious principles, why?

The big question: *"Why do you not want to be neutered?"* You said his procedure is easier. OK, true. But I do not buy that. Am I wrong?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sweetiern87 said:


> My husband and I have 2 kids (mine from a previous marriage) and I just found out I am pregnant. My husband has been very stern that he does not want anymore children after this baby, which is fine with me but I wouldn't mind having more. So I brought up the discussion of a more permanent form of birth control once I deliver the baby and suggested he should get a vasectomy because #1 He's the one who doesn't want more kids and #2 the procedure is much simpler than me having a tubal ligation. He refused, and when I ask him why he only response is I don't want to. So I stated to him, you know I would be fine if I got pregnant again but you eoinld't, so what would we do then? His response, "well you could have an abortion."


This guy is SUCH an A-hole. Only a complete ******* would make such an ignorant statement.

He loves making demands about contraception but refuses to take any responsibility for it. Could he BE any *more* selfish and cowardly?


> You are basically telling him that I do not want to get my tubes tied because I still want to have more children...with you or with some other male schlubb.


You never know what might happen next week or next year. NOTHING is written in stone. Why should SHE commit to being surgically sterilized when SHE'S not the one who doesn't want anymore kids? Life happens and God forbid, she could find herself widowed or divorced 2 years from now. If she remarries, why should the choice of having children no longer be hers just because her chicken-**** husband couldn't man up and get a vasectomy?

And I highly doubt being 'pregnate' (sic) is causing you to be 'emotional.' Good thing you didn't pay for some of the advice you're getting here because you'd deserve a refund.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

I'm emotional because I'm pregnant? I bet you're a male antivasectomy whom would also use "simple" abortions as a form of responsible birth control 🙄


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

As I said... I would not MIND having a fourth child but my husband has made it clear that he ONLY wants three which I am content to agree to... if by chance I happen to get pregnant a fourth time I would be totally fine with that as well... does not mean I HAVE to have a fourth child... I'm just reiterating to my husband that if that were to happen he would be the one "upset" about the situation, not me and therefore in order to prevent "accidents" or "surprises" in the future (as I am a young fertile female, and not form of bc is 100% fool proof) we should explore permanent options. I had both of my previous children vaginally and plan to with the third as well. Therefor in order to have a tubal ligation, I would have to have an invasive surgical procedure, be admitted to a hospital for a few days and even take off work. Whereas a vasectomy consists of an in office procedure and he could return to work in 24 hours... being that he would be the one unhappy about a fourth pregnancy, does it not seem fair give the circumstances that he be responsible for our bc method? If he tables were turned and I were adamant about have no more children, wouldn't hestitate to get fixed...


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

I had a vasectomy about a year or so after my daughter was born. It was literally the best decision I've ever made.

I won't lie, it was PAINFUL on one side. (The other side I barely felt a thing.) But I would easily go through it all over again in a heartbeat if I had to.

It's even better if you have insurance coverage. I did through my work, and the procedure costed me a whopping $5: the cost of a Subway footlong. I did it on a Friday and was only out from work a day or two. (I work in an office.)

Some men have a kind of "masculinity" issue about getting fixed. I understand it in a reptilian brain kind way, but it still doesn't make sense to me how that can override logic and the freedom to have hormone, prophylactic, and/or intrauterine device free sex with one's partner.

I would encourage any male not wishing to have children to consider it. It. Is. AWESOME.

Have you shared testimonies of men who have had a vasectomy with your husband?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, especially if the husband is the one hoping to not have another child it really makes sense he should step up and choose to be sterilized. He should be eager to volunteer for it, since he is the one hoping to avoid the pregnancy.

No idea why people don't see the logic in that. 

And the abortion thing... sad. 

Well, we know we can't vet our spouses enough before we marry them. Such is life.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

maybe your attitude will be birth control enough to prevent more children.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

My husband and I are both health care professionals so he's family with both procedures... I give him my reasons for not wanting a tubal ligation (#1 I'm carrying the kid and delivering, you're stern about not wanting a fourth child so come on man up and do your part #2 a vasectomy is a much simpler procedure than a tubal ligation, I could understand if I were having a c section and they could easily do it while they have me open, but that's not the case). When I ask him to give me his reasoning behind not wanting the procedure his only answer is, "I just don't want to." I ask over and over again, ok you need to be an adult and tell me why...."I just don't want to." Ok then well if you want to remain man enough to physically be able to create a baby then you need to remain man enough to be able to take care of one...


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

What do you mean?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I hate these arguments. You got mad when he told you to have a birth control procedure, but don't understand why he got angry when you told him to have a birth control procedure. Then you both acted like complete *******s and you are still fuming.
I agree, abortion is NOTHING like a vasectomy at all. Still, I know people who feel an early abortion is just like a condom, tubal ligation or a vasectomy.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

Let's get someonething straight... he doesn't have to have a damn thing done if he doesn't want to! My argument is, that in not doing so, if I do end up pregnant again man up take care of the child and understand your actions have consequences! Abortion is not like using a condom! It is the removal of a live fetus from the uterus! It take a toll on a woman emotionally and quite frankly is irresponsible for people to think it's simply another form of birth control...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sure, let's get something straight, you have MULTIPLE ARGUMENTS and I addressed the one I find silly.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Let's get someonething straight... he doesn't have to have a damn thing done if he doesn't want to! My argument is, that in not doing so, if I do end up pregnant again man up take care of the child and understand your actions have consequences! Abortion is not like using a condom! It is the removal of a live fetus from the uterus! It take a toll on a woman emotionally and quite frankly is irresponsible for people to think it's simply another form of birth control...


Have you considered that it's not that your husband doesn't want more children.
He doesn't want any more children with you.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

How is it silly?


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

No that's not the issue... he wanted the child it was planned, I'm only 5 weeks along... our marriage has no troubles... even when we were dating he told me three was it...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> Have you considered that it's not that your husband doesn't want more children.
> He doesn't want any more children with you.


Maye that's part of what bothers her??? Maybe his message is that he does not want more children with her. But he wants to leave his options open just incase for some reason he moves on to another woman.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

I appreciate your support but I assure everyone my husband is not going nowhere... if I even mention the word "divorce" when we've argued (which has been on a rare occicaion, and during a moment of anger) he gets hysterical. He has never once in the four years that we have been together contemplated us not being together for the remainder of our lives... and I have always felt completely secure in our marriage. Even when my husband and I were dating (prior to even getting engaged) he told me if we were to marry and I wanted more children, one more was it. Don't get my wrong, my husband is a great man. He is the father to my kids that are not biologically his (my ex husband is not involved) and and he loves and cares for them just as if they were his own... I guess why his statement about abortion hurts so much is because my husband is otherwise a great guy, and the comment caught me completely off guard. If he doesn't want to get fixed that's fine, but then he can't say having an abortion would be a good solution if I got pregnant again..


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, or he could be worried. As noted in her post ,men just need to man up. He's not going to talk about his fear, anger, or worry because this isn't want males are supposed to do. They are supposed to "man up" and say things like "well, you can get an abortion" and " No, I don't want to" while giving zero reasons.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

My husband expresses his fears and insecurities to me all the time with no hesitation... so I don't think that's the issue either


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Was this not discussed prior to marriage? He seems to have been crystal clear about only wanting one kid after marriage. Did neither of you think to go to the next logical step and ask how that would be accomplished? I assume that you are unwilling to get an IUD or go on the pill since those would both be potential alternatives to surgery.

Your mistake was to tell him to get a vasectomy. A better way would have been to tell him the following:

1) I will not get a tubal ligation.
2) If I get pregnant, I will not get an abortion.
3) What other ideas do you have, honey? I want to find a solution to this problem, but I need you to respect my boundaries. I promise I'll respect yours.

Your sex life belongs to both of you. You need to work together to find a compromise that works. If you allow this issue to impact your sex life it will poison your marriage.

It saddens me that you paint such a great picture of your marriage yet can't find some way to work this out without each digging their heels in. You knew going into this that he wanted only one kid of his own and you signed the contract. You can't now just dismiss this as HIS problem. It is your problem too.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

I just don't know how to approach the situation going forward... that comment really hurt, and I'm just not the type of woman (not bashing anyone who has) to ever have an abortion. Then again I don't want to worry about an accident every time we have sex. I thought when you got married all bets were off and hey if you happened to get preganant doing what married couples are suppose to do, it's ok... now I kind of feel (or will eventually feel) like some High school girl having illegitimate sex with my boyfriend and praying I don't get pregnant, instead of enjoying making love and being intimate with my husband... I've been bitter towards him the last couple days, and have pretty much tried to avoid him bc I'm just so angry. Not about him not wanting to get fixed, but bc of the abortion comment.. I just feel that was so insensitive and hurtful to say to a woman whom is currently expecting your baby...he's even said to me "you don't seem that excited to be pregnant anymore," and I just want to scream, yea and it's your fault! But I just shrug him off and say I'm fine instead...


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

I'm fine not having another kid... I'm the one trying to prevent if permanently (hence why I brought up the topic). The women in my family experience menopause late in life (both my mother and grandmother had regular cycles until 59!) I don't want to be on a birth control pill until I'm in my 50's or have a concern about possible preganacy at that age... I was on the pill for years and I hated it! When I came of it 2 months ago, I could tell a complete difference not only in my mood but also my libido (which he should appreciate). I'm just at the point in my life that if we are done having kids, I don't want to have to worry or be bothered with bc anymore. Again my husband is adamant that this baby is it (which is fine) but if I did get pregnant again I would be ok with knowing I made love to my husband and guess what a child was produced from it. He doesn't see it that way, so therefor he should take the plunge to ensure we won't get pregnant again...


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If it's his abortion suggestion that bothers you, I suggest you focus on that. By closing off and refusing to communicate, you are only exacerbating the situation.

Are you sure he even knows you feel this way about abortion?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Sweetiern87


Please check your PMs


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sweetiern87 said:


> I'm fine not having another kid... I'm the one trying to prevent if permanently (hence why I brought up the topic). The women in my family experience menopause late in life (both my mother and grandmother had regular cycles until 59!) I don't want to be on a birth control pill until I'm in my 50's or have a concern about possible preganacy at that age... I was on the pill for years and I hated it! When I came of it 2 months ago, I could tell a complete difference not only in my mood but also my libido (which he should appreciate). I'm just at the point in my life that if we are done having kids, I don't want to have to worry or be bothered with bc anymore. Again my husband is adamant that this baby is it (which is fine) but if I did get pregnant again I would be ok with knowing I made love to my husband and guess what a child was produced from it. He doesn't see it that way, so therefor he should take the plunge to ensure we won't get pregnant again...


I’m not sure why some of the posters on here are giving you a hard time. You came here to get input on something that is important to you. And I don’t think that the snide remarks are helpful at all. And I am sorry for them.

You are pregnant right now and have a lot on your plate. You need to focus on that right now. You certainly do not need worry about getting pregnant right now since you already are.

Sometimes, you have to put a seed out there and let it grow. You told your husband that you do not want your tubes tied and will never agree to an abortion. You have all the right in the world to take that stance. You have planted the seed of your point of view. Now let him mull it over. Give him time to consider it and let the points grow on him.

I also agree with you about hormonal birth control. I had stopped taking because it does very unpleasant things to me. It’s just wrong to expect a woman who has problems with chemical bc to take it anyway.

At some point, you and your husband will need to revisit this. You might need to go to counseling to have someone help you with the discussion and decision.

But don’t do what you are doing now. Find a way to let go of your anger on this. All it is doing is pushing him to put up a wall of defiance.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

Yes... we had an argument about it as soon as it was said and I told him he was wrong for thinking that way... we fought and I eventually just walked away from him... the next day he acts like nothing happened and asks me why I'm in a bad mood, which frustrates me bc he knows why...


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

Thank you I'm trying to just let it go but every time the subject of my pregnancy comes up I think about it and get upset that my husband would even think that way. It makes me feel like he does t care about what that would do to me emotionally or how it would damage our relationship if I were to ever do that bc he wanted me too..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Yes... we had an argument about it as soon as it was said and I told him he was wrong for thinking that way... we fought and I eventually just walked away from him... the next day he acts like nothing happened and asks me why I'm in a bad mood, which frustrates me bc he knows why...


So don't play into it. Just go about your day and be as cheerful as you can. Do not play this little game. For one thing you want to leave him room to back down gracefully from his comment about abortion and refusal to even contemplate a vasectomy.

You have to pick battles wisely in marriage. The 'battle' you had last night and are butting heads about today is not the hill you want to die on. Save it for later, when you have to deal with this because you are no longer pregnant.

Before last night, did your husband know your stance on abortion?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Thank you I'm trying to just let it go but every time the subject of my pregnancy comes up I think about it and get upset that my husband would even think that way. It makes me feel like he does t care about what that would do to me emotionally or how it would damage our relationship if I were to ever do that bc he wanted me too..


It is really not possible for you to just let it go. That won't happen.

Somehow you two need to sort it out. Hopefully gently, with compassion. 

EleGirl's suggestion of counseling is actually very good. Remember she suggested you may wait a bit. Probably a very good suggestion too, so you can get over the stinging pain of the moment.

But it will always hurt until you two resolve it somehow. It may hurt even after that, but not nearly so much. You can't just get over things like this by just trying to forget someone said something which hurt. 

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Thank you I'm trying to just let it go but every time the subject of my pregnancy comes up I think about it and get upset that my husband would even think that way. It makes me feel like he does t care about what that would do to me emotionally or how it would damage our relationship if I were to ever do that bc he wanted me too..


Have you ever talked to him about abortion before? Did he know how you feel about it before last night?

A lot of people think that abortion in the first few weeks is fine. A lot don't think beyond that. If you approach him in anger about this you will drive him to take a hard stance. Instead the two of you need to have good discussions about abortion.

You say that it makes you feel like he does not care about that would do to me emotionally or how it would damage our relationship. Have you even told him this before? He might have never even thought about it much at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WilliamM said:


> It is really not possible for you to just let it go. That won't happen.
> 
> Somehow you two need to sort it out. Hopefully gently, with compassion.
> 
> ...


You are right that Sweeter will most likely not be able to just let this completely go. What I meant was that she needs to give it time to work through. She needs to calm down some, think it through and get help (probably via counseling). And she needs to have lots of talks with her husband about it. And I mean talks that do not blow up into fights.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

Being that we both came from strict Christian households ( not that that means a lot), I thought it was pretty much clear from both of our up bringings that abortion was a huge no no... if I ever disclosed to his family that he made that comment to me they would be so upset... abortion was never really discussed bc it didn't seem like it needed to be.. we got married, we both have successful careers, we're financially secure.... why would abortion ever need to be an option? I wouldn't say my husband is the most religious person but he knows just as well as I do that our families are totally against it, so why wouldn't he think I was?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Being that we both came from strict Christian households ( not that that means a lot), I thought it was pretty much clear from both of our up bringings that abortion was a huge no no... if I ever disclosed to his family that he made that comment to me they would be so upset... abortion was never really discussed bc it didn't seem like it needed to be.. we got married, we both have successful careers, we're financially secure.... why would abortion ever need to be an option? I wouldn't say my husband is the most religious person but he knows just as well as I do that our families are totally against it, so why wouldn't he think I was?


Well, it sounds like the two of you need to have a discussion about it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Assumption is a very poor substitute for communication.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

WTH? Was he serious about you having an abortion or maybe just being flippant/argumentative because he doesn't want a vasectomy or more kids? Have you two never discussed your opinions on abortion? To me, if he was serious, that is pretty horrifying. I have to think that even if you believe abortions are ok, there still would be major emotions/fall out for a woman who had one. Especially a married woman who could keep the child, and wanted the child. 

It would definitely bother me that he would be ok with his wife aborting his child, and assume you would be okay too. However, maybe, being a man, he has never really thought about what abortion *really *is. I know a man who talked this way about abortion, like it is this great thing that lets women have all the sex they want without the consequence of unwanted pregnancy. He didn't understand that 1) most women do not want to have a bunch of casual sex, and 2) for many women, even if they are "pro choice," actually aborting an unborn child would be an incredibly traumatic thing to go through and have in your memories the rest of your life.





[email protected] said:


> My husband and I have 2 kids (mine from a previous marriage) and I just found out I am pregnant. My husband has been very stern that he does not want anymore children after this baby, which is fine with me but I wouldn't mind having more. So I brought up the discussion of a more permanent form of birth control once I deliver the baby and suggested he should get a vasectomy because #1 He's the one who doesn't want more kids and #2 the procedure is much simpler than me having a tubal ligation. He refused, and when I ask him why he only response is I don't want to. So I stated to him, you know I would be fine if I got pregnant again but you eoinld't, so what would we do then? His response, "well you could have an abortion." I was livid! I couldn't believe a man I call my "husband" could say such a thing to me and be so selfish! It immediately started an argument and I honestly can't stand to even look at him right now. He feels it's no big deal for a married couple to use abortion as a form of bc, and that I am overreacting. I don't even know how I feel about him right now. I couldn't wait to leave the house and get away from him! I don't see him in the same light anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, I am so sorry you are in this situation, OP! How distressing! You must feel like you do not even know him!

You mentioned you are both from religious families. I can understand why you never would have guessed your husband would be okay with abortion.

My husband and I grew up Catholic. While we are no longer actively practicing it, it certainly influenced us in many ways. My husband told me once, "A child is always welcome." I admire him so much for that.

I am so sorry your husband is unwilling to discuss this issue with you, and unwilling to have a vasectomy if he is sure he no longer wants children. That would be the most reliable, least invasive solution.

If I were you, and he refuses counseling, I would just leave the matter of birth control in his hands. A poster here once said that in 1/3 of all relationships, the men take responsibility for birth control. In my marriage, that is the case. Very freeing for me, as I do not have to worry about the effects of any chemicals in my body.

And certainly never agree to anything you are not 100% comfortable with! If that means no abortion ever for you, stick to it! That is your right as a free human being!

I can only imagine how shaken you were to hear that he would be okay, even in theory, with your having an abortion if you got pregnant again. It is true that he may regret saying that once he holds his own child in his arms, as another poster said. And it is a good idea to give him time to possibly see that.

But in the meantime, again, I am just so sorry you are dealing with this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Vasectomies have a high rate of chronic pain. There is also the risk of sexual issues. There are good reasons to not want a vasectomy. Just look up sperm granuloma and epididymal blowout. Post vasectomy pain syndrome is a real problem. 

My ex-W had her tubes tied immediately after the birth of our last child. Her doc said that after childbirth is the perfect time to do the surgery, as the woman's hormones are in a mode to promote fast healing. I don't think it is any more invasive or painful for the woman to have the tubal ligation. And once done, I am not aware of any future side effects for the woman.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I'm not sure why all the anger. he said what he said because he felt attacked. If hes a god fearing christian then I don't think he thinks abortions are ok. He felt attacked and doesn't want to have the procedure and thats his right. 

If you attitude is as confrontational and acidic as you have shown here then maybe when discussing sensitive things you could lighten up some and truly have a discussion about it and the pros and cons of it. 

why not use other methods of birth control condoms,female condoms,iud,birth control pills, or not do PIv there are lots of other sexual activities oral,anal,hand jobs, toys, mutual masturbation,

I feel you were saying I'm done being the one responsible of birth control so you should get snipped because I don't care if we have more children and you said you don't want anymore so you have to take over the birth control. Which is fine and I agree with that But If you said it with a confrontational attitude and tried to bully him into it then it just caused an argument.

Maybe try again in a nice loving way. Instead of just acting like your putting your foot down or else you could try the approach of ....Hey hon can we please talk ? the other day when you said abortion way alright kind of upset me some. I think its not within our christian beliefs to use abortion as a method of birth control and I really don't want to use the pill because of all the side effects or possible side effects is there some compromise we could come up with for birth control? 

not a fan of vasectomy's have had two friends have some pretty serious side effects for them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thor said:


> Vasectomies have a high rate of chronic pain. There is also the risk of sexual issues. There are good reasons to not want a vasectomy. Just look up sperm granuloma and epididymal blowout. Post vasectomy pain syndrome is a real problem.
> 
> My ex-W had her tubes tied immediately after the birth of our last child. Her doc said that after childbirth is the perfect time to do the surgery, as the woman's hormones are in a mode to promote fast healing. I don't think it is any more invasive or painful for the woman to have the tubal ligation. And once done, I am not aware of any future side effects for the woman.


https://www.bedsider.org/features/99-getting-the-snip-should-it-be-me-or-my-partner


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

Two of my cousins had tubal ligation, with complications... one of them had to end up having a total hysterectomy at the age of 23, and the other had 3 surgeries to try to correct the issue, and now looks 6 months pregnant and will remain that way the rest of her life... both of their husbands urged them to take the plung bc they wouldn't man up and have a vasectomy.. women carry babies and reliever them, the father should be able to make some type of sacrifice with their body too...if he doesn't want more kids he needs to have a vasectomy...


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

Thanks for everyone's advice... I won't push the issue but I'm certain he understands that I would NEVER abort a child... I would leave the marriage before I did something so cowardly (and I use the word coward only bc there would be no reason for us to need to use that option being that we are total stable and able to care for many children). So I will leave the birth control methods up to him... if he stays stern on his decision not to have a vasectomy that's fine, but he needs to figure out how to avoid having more children then... it does still bother me though.. even now, a few days after the argument, I'm still upset. He's been trying to be affectionate etc and I just feel disgusted.. I'm even trying to "fake" it which just feels worse... and he keeps asking me what's wrong, And why am I grumpy which frustrates me even more because he knows why! If I have to bring it up it will cause a fight which I am trying to avoid, and I really wanted to enjoy my pregnancy but I don't know how I'll be able to with this on my mind...


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

My father, his father, and several other males to us have had vasectomies with no issues... the few women that have had tubal ligation shave ALL had complications


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

Your ex wife had a tubal ligation... do you think maybe she regrets it now? He is the one who does not want more children, ever... even if we broke up... I'm fine with having more... so he should have the permanent birth control...


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Two of my cousins had tubal ligation, with complications... one of them had to end up having a total hysterectomy at the age of 23, and the other had 3 surgeries to try to correct the issue, and now looks 6 months pregnant and will remain that way the rest of her life... both of their husbands urged them to take the plung bc they wouldn't man up and have a vasectomy.. women carry babies and reliever them, the father should be able to make some type of sacrifice with their body too...if he doesn't want more kids he needs to have a vasectomy...


I've also known someone who ended up developing endometriosis, it also increases the chance of having a ectopic pregnancy (if unsuccessful).


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Your ex wife had a tubal ligation... do you think maybe she regrets it now? He is the one who does not want more children, ever... even if we broke up... I'm fine with having more... so he should have the permanent birth control...


She had no problems and never regretted it. I've had what amounts to a vasectomy on one side because of a blocked vas deferens which caused an epididymal cyst and blowout. The pain was excruciating. Since the procedure I have persistent intermittent stinging sensations. A vasectomy is not some benign procedure with no risks and no side effects. The incidence of persistent chronic pain is something like 50% of men who get a vasectomy.

Your relatives' experience with tubal ligation is the first time I've ever heard of complications from the procedure. No procedure is risk free, but I believe your experience is unusual.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hormonal After Effects of a Tubal Ligation

"Have you had a tubal ligation or had your tubes tied? If so, then you probably didn’t expect to have any problems after this procedure. Your doctor may have told you that you wouldn’t feel any differently. The reality is, many women do notice changes after a tubal ligation.

During tubal ligation surgery, the fallopian tubes, which connect the ovaries to the uterus, are cut or blocked to prevent pregnancy. Women often refer to this procedure as having their “tubes tied.” In this video, Dr. Sheridan explains the hormonal effects of tubal ligation. (We’ll give you a hint: you’re NOT crazy!)
Michelle’s Question

_“What happens to my hormones after a tubal ligation? I was told I would be fine, but now I feel like I’m going crazy because I feel so bad. I’m tired all the time. I have weight gain and migraines, and I am so moody.”_​
Video Transcript:

Dr. Sheridan: Michelle, I’m Dr. David Sheridan. You asked a really good question. When your tubes are tied they not only crimp the fallopian tube, but they include the blood vessel that goes to each ovary and they do this on each side. The ovary does get blood supply from two vessels, but so do a lot of tissues. That doesn’t mean you can cut one off, or crimp it and block it, and the tissue’s not affected. We see this from time to time in women who have their tubes tied. You might lose a little bit of each ovary and feel fine. You can lose a lot of each ovary, they can be left severely damaged, and almost throw hormones around randomly.

What this often does is affect a woman’s ability to make progesterone more so than estrogen for reasons that are not well understood. She can be left estrogen dominant, it’s a tricky term, but it really means progesterone deficient allowing estrogen effects to dominate. Estrogen becomes the dominant hormone.

This can cause severe mood swings, irritability, headaches, and even migraines. You can start swelling and have fluid retention. It can be mild, moderate, or even devastating. Just like PMS, some women are affected mildly; some are devastated by their symptoms. It’s the same cause even though the woman with PMS maybe didn’t have her tubes tied. It’s progesterone deficiency allowing estrogen to dominate.*Fibroids, fibrocystic breast disease, endometriosis, ovarian cysts – these are other things that are caused by progesterone deficiency.

The biggest problem may be that progesterone’s your biggest bone builder, and it’s very important to help the brain repair itself. Progesterone’s probably your biggest anti-cancer compound. What we know in women that do not ovulate is that they have a 540% increase in breast cancer, a 1,000% increase in overall cancer mortality. These numbers are greater than the difference between smokers and non-smokers. I’m not saying that you make no progesterone, but you’re not making enough to balance the estrogen you have, causing symptoms that can be quite severe, threatening your bones, and also, in my opinion, raising cancer risks.

For someone with your problem, I would strongly recommend getting actual bioidentical progesterone from a doctor who knows how to adjust the dosage properly. It’s going to be best for your symptoms, way better than any drug, period. It’s going to be best for your health, because progesterone is very safe, and does not cause cancer. It actually protects against cancer, probably better than anything else.

You’re not crazy, but your doctors may be, because this has been going on a long time. I have been asked this, now I didn’t know what was going on, but when I was a resident, I didn’t know bioidentical hormones from my shoes. I did have women ask me, “I just had my tubes tied, could that make me feel bad?” Not all women, but many women, have their tubes tied and do okay, but some do not, because their ovaries are significantly damaged, and it continually makes them more and more estrogen dominant, in some cases even menopausal.

Elaina’s Story

_“After a tough birth that resulted in a c-section along with having
a tubal ligation (without understanding the possible side effects),
I came home much different than I had left. I was depressed and gaining weight. “_​
Elaina used to be active, always running 5Ks, but after her tubal ligation she became fatigued and depressed. She started gaining weight and lost her sex drive. Her husband felt like he lost his wife. Click here to read Elaina’s story and find out how she got her life back."

Hormonal After Effects of a Tubal Ligation


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diagnosing Menstrual Problems After a Tubal Ligation

Has your body gone ‘haywire’ after having your ‘tubes tied’? Many women report a variety of changes occurring after a tubal ligation. There are various gynecologic conditions that may be the cause and deserve proper evaluation by your doctor.

https://www.tubal-reversal.net/blog/menstrual-problems-tubal-ligation/

Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome (PTLS) Symptom List 

http://www.tubal.org/symptoms-of-pts.htm


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Basically, most of the problems caused by tubal ligation are not of the sort that the woman feels a pain or get an infection. What can, and often does happen, are problems develop because of the unhealthy changes in her hormonal production. So a woman might say that she had no problem with the tubal ligation itself. But over time develop all kinds of problems because she had a tubal ligation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Two of my cousins had tubal ligation, with complications... one of them had to end up having a total hysterectomy at the age of 23, and the other had 3 surgeries to try to correct the issue, and now looks 6 months pregnant and will remain that way the rest of her life... both of their husbands urged them to take the plung bc they wouldn't man up and have a vasectomy.. women carry babies and reliever them, the father should be able to make some type of sacrifice with their body too...if he doesn't want more kids he needs to have a vasectomy...


I agree. I think it is very selfish of a man to ask that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Thanks for everyone's advice... I won't push the issue but I'm certain he understands that I would NEVER abort a child... I would leave the marriage before I did something so cowardly (and I use the word coward only bc there would be no reason for us to need to use that option being that we are total stable and able to care for many children). So I will leave the birth control methods up to him... if he stays stern on his decision not to have a vasectomy that's fine, but he needs to figure out how to avoid having more children then... it does still bother me though.. even now, a few days after the argument, I'm still upset. He's been trying to be affectionate etc and I just feel disgusted.. I'm even trying to "fake" it which just feels worse... and he keeps asking me what's wrong, And why am I grumpy which frustrates me even more because he knows why! If I have to bring it up it will cause a fight which I am trying to avoid, and I really wanted to enjoy my pregnancy but I don't know how I'll be able to with this on my mind...


Nothing wrong with a good fight to clear the air. And you definitely need to clear the air on this.


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

My experiences are not unusal... if you do the research there are more complications reported with tubal ligation than vasectomy, but I understand your stance being that you are actually having complications


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Sweetiern87 said:


> and he keeps asking me what's wrong, And why am I grumpy which frustrates me even more because he knows why! If I have to bring it up it will cause a fight which I am trying to avoid, and I really wanted to enjoy my pregnancy but I don't know how I'll be able to with this on my mind...


Are you sure he really knows why? Is it possible he thinks it is just because he doesn't want a vasectomy? Have you said something like "I know we were in a disagreement, but it really upset me when you said I could have an abortion. Were you just being flippant because you were irritated, or would you really be okay with me aborting our child and would you really be willing to risk putting us in a situation where you were willing to let me go through something like that just to avoid a vasectomy? If you're adamant about not getting a vasectomy and I'm not comfortable taking birth control, it seems there are still a lot of options. Do you truly consider an abortion a viable option? Because if you do, THAT is what I am "so upset" about. I cannot imagine a man who truly loves his wife being willing to put her through that or even being willing to let her do that."


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## Sweetiern87 (May 13, 2017)

Yea he knows... I told him I would divorce him before I ever got an abortion... and I meant it..


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Sweetiern87 said:


> Yea he knows... I told him I would divorce him before I ever got an abortion... and I meant it..


Good that you said what you feel.

And for a disclaimer, I do agree with you. Wild crazy kid of the 60's that I am I doubt we agree on much, but on that we do agree.

Stick to your guns.


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