# LD men - help needed please



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

My husband is LD/ND and since we got married 18 months ago we've only had sex about a dozen times. He says he loves me and I don't doubt this - I can see he does and he tells me several times a day. The problem I have is that the lack of sex is making me feel undesirable, inadequate and miserable. I'm losing my self confidence (despite knowing that I look good, am not overweight and have a good body). We both work from home so spend most of our time together and get on really well on an intellectual level. We enjoy each other's company and rarely argue. We've had several "talks" about the lack of sex and I've explained how undesirable it makes me feel. He protests, saying that he does find me desirable and does fancy me - however, we haven't had sex for 3 months now and it's driving me crazy on a daily basis. Can any LD men explain to me how my H can say that he desires me but doesn't have sex with me. I'm desperate to understand this a bit better and also desperate for any advice that you can give me that would help me persuade him to have sex with me now and again. I'm in my mid fifties and hate to think that I'm not going to have an active sex life again - I'm far too young to do without sex.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Has he had his testosterone checked lately? Does he have any performance problems? I was in the same position and when I asked my husband about it he said he didn't have the desire and didn't ever think about sex. He also ED so he wanted to avoid anything going on in the bed since he couldn't complete the act. He went to the Dr and he has a very low T count. I would suggest to him to have his t count checked.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Has he had his testosterone checked lately? Does he have any performance problems? I was in the same position and when I asked my husband about it he said he didn't have the desire and didn't ever think about sex. He also ED so he wanted to avoid anything going on in the bed since he couldn't complete the act. He went to the Dr and he has a very low T count. I would suggest to him to have his t count checked.


Thanks for reply - he will be getting his T levels checked in December. He's on meds for heart problems (which I am understanding about) which probably lower his levels. However, before we got married we were having sex a few times a week. Even though I've stressed to him how miserable this situation is making me, he doesn't even make any effort whatsoever to have sex. We do cuddle several times a day and lots of casual kisses, but absolutely nothing sexual going on at all. Despite his health problems, he manages to make the effort to do other things, can drink half a bottle of whiskey in an evening or spend an evening in the local bar getting totally drunk, but never seems to make any effort when it comes to sex. If he were making some sort of effort, then it would give me some hope for the future, but this no effort at all thing is making me feel very depressed about our future together.

I see lots of people who post on here who have LD spouses that will make the effort once a week or so (albeit grudgingly), but no effort at all, despite knowing that this upsets me so much is just making the situation worse. It's been so long now since we had regular sex that I'm worried that it will be too awkward when we do eventually get down to it and that would be a huge turn off for me. I'm really starting to feel like he's my dad or something which is starting to get weird.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Can you maybe act a little less interested, make yourself less available perhaps? Maybe he subconsciously wants the thrill of the chase. Stop talking about it for awhile, he just might become very curious


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

okeydokie said:


> Can you maybe act a little less interested, make yourself less available perhaps? Maybe he subconsciously wants the thrill of the chase. Stop talking about it for awhile, he just might become very curious


I don't actually talk to him about it that much - just once every couple of months or so when I can no longer hide how down it makes me feel and I start to snap a little or just spend a day not being my usual cheerful self. We talked about it about three weeks ago and it was 2 months since the last time I brought this matter up with him. 

He likes the fact that I'm a happy cheerful person, but lately the lack of sex is really preying on my mind and it's making me worried about our future together. Sometimes, it can be hard to hide the fact that I'm not feeling on top of the world. Most of the time, if he asks what's wrong, I just say that nothing is wrong. However, every two or three months, I tell the truth and let him know how I feel about the situation. The lack of sex is not something I discuss or refer to on a weekly or daily basis - just now and again when I really am at the end of my tether. I find it excruciatingly difficult to talk to him about this - partly as I don't want to hurt his feelings and partly because I have to acknowledge just how inadequate and undesirable this is making me feel.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

doobie said:


> I find it excruciatingly difficult to talk to him about this - partly as I don't want to hurt his feelings and partly because I have to acknowledge just how inadequate and undesirable this is making me feel.


I know how that goes! "You're a good (spouse), but in this one area you're a disaster" tends to be a tough thing to say. As is "I know you go out of your way to say things and do things for me, but unless you mean business, it's pointless."



> I see lots of people who post on here who have LD spouses that will make the effort once a week or so (albeit grudgingly), but no effort at all, despite knowing that this upsets me so much is just making the situation worse. It's been so long now since we had regular sex that I'm worried that it will be too awkward when we do eventually get down to it and that would be a huge turn off for me.


 Does he shoot you down if you initiate? Maybe that's the way to get it started up again -- grab him when he gets out of the shower on Saturday, and tell him this is going to happen every Saturday. Or after some TV show you watch together. Or tell him he's not going to the bar until you are finished with him. I guess I'm saying show him what you expect, don't just tell him. If he rejects you, then it's a different problem and maybe a different solution.

And it may very well be awkward. I'm trying to remember what my wife likes, because it's been so infrequent and she rarely tells me what she likes, anyway. Frequency helps put the awkwardness in the past.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You asked for any LD men to give them their thoughts but I never see LD men post. So he did the old bait and switch that many men here complain about their wives doing. Lots of sex before marriage and then once you get married the sex slows down or stops. We don't talk about it much here either because it makes him feel bad. He doesn't like when I'm upset. I just hide how I'm feeling, cry in private if I need to, act happy and think of the positive things I love about him and our marriage. We cuddle, kiss, hug and say I love you many times a day too. 

I have been married for 25 years and have children and I have no plans to go anywhere. You have only been married for 18 months. It this keeps up then you might have to give him an ultimatum. December is a long time to wait to go to the Dr. It kind of seems like he doesn't think there is a problem. If he doesn't then he may not be too much in a hurry to fix it. I understand how you are feeling.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

So what if it's awkward. Have fun and do it all over again. Most importantly, go for broke getting the satisfaction you want, but be courteous to him and his needs as well. 

While you are taking care of yourself, before, after, or during...simply make a effort to make it about him, and then back to yourself. 

Also, if it hasn't been addressed in your relationship already. Become the horn dog, see if he rejects your advances. If he does, then don't give up. (Lot's of us guys go through the same problem.) 

Do what others have suggested also, in between your "desirable time" make an effort to have a hobby or something that completely separates the two of you or just you from sex. 

Make sure there is no porn addictions involved as well.


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## ProdigyUK (Feb 26, 2014)

doobie said:


> My husband is LD/ND and since we got married 18 months ago we've only had sex about a dozen times. He says he loves me and I don't doubt this - I can see he does and he tells me several times a day. The problem I have is that the lack of sex is making me feel undesirable, inadequate and miserable. I'm losing my self confidence (despite knowing that I look good, am not overweight and have a good body).


I can somewhat relate to your husband as I have made pretty strong efforts to avoid sex in past relationships. My problem was never a lack of interest in sex or not finding my partners desirable – quite the opposite. My problem was insecurity based on having a small penis, this insecurity lead to other problems in terms of not always being able to get hard and premature ejaculation. 

Basically even though I wanted sex I was afraid of being disappointing so made excuses to avoid sex. Is it possible that your husband has these type of anxieties and he is just afraid to be open with you about them

If that is the case the only solution is for him to talk to you. Speaking from my own experience it was hard to start this conversation but it gets a lot easier


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

doobie said:


> I don't actually talk to him about it that much - just once every couple of months or so when I can no longer hide how down it makes me feel and I start to snap a little or just spend a day not being my usual cheerful self. We talked about it about three weeks ago and it was 2 months since the last time I brought this matter up with him.
> 
> He likes the fact that I'm a happy cheerful person, but lately the lack of sex is really preying on my mind and it's making me worried about our future together. Sometimes, it can be hard to hide the fact that I'm not feeling on top of the world. Most of the time, if he asks what's wrong, I just say that nothing is wrong. However, every two or three months, I tell the truth and let him know how I feel about the situation. The lack of sex is not something I discuss or refer to on a weekly or daily basis - just now and again when I really am at the end of my tether. I find it excruciatingly difficult to talk to him about this - partly as I don't want to hurt his feelings and partly because I have to acknowledge just how inadequate and undesirable this is making me feel.


People who are naturally LD usually do not change.

You are going to have to bring it up over and over. Once every few months is not enough. He will never just "remember" on his own because it is not in his make up.

Read this thread to get more insight on an LD man.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html


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