# How can I get my husband to understand??...



## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

My H and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3. We have always used a comdom except for a few times, and he always pulls out before he reaches orgasm. I have always thought this was the best idea to help prevent pregnancy. My H has been expressing for the last year that he believes a married couple should not use condoms and my friends all agree with him when I bring this up with them. Why wouldn't we use a condom if we don't want to get pregnant? It just seems like common sense, pulling out is just an extra little thing to help prevent it further. About 2 months ago he didn't pull out and came while inside of me. This really upset me as I don't like him to cum in me, even with a condom. This combined with not wanting to wear a condom has made me not want to be intimate for the last 2 months. He has mentioned me helping him either with my hand or orally but I don't see the point in that as I get nothing from it. Marriage is a 2 way streak and I wouldn't get anything from it so this is not a possibility. Any thoughts on this as I really want to get this back on track but just want to know how I can get him to use a condom and continue to pull out.

Thanks!

-Lilly


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Condoms suck - way more for the guy than for the girl, which is something I suppose you'll just have to take on faith. Just about any man would want to find an alternative once issues with STDs are out of the equation. 

Why are you not considering a MORE effective, long term form of birth control?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

There are so many forms of birth control..... try another, maybe it would work out better. Obviously he wants more enjoyment, and you can't blame him for that! 

Do the research, and find out another method.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't understand why you say you get nothing out of helping him. Doesn't he do anything in return? Is your only real pleasure from penetration? 

I'm guessing you guys are pretty young.

well there are multiple methods of birth control and condoms isn't terribly reliable. he's going to have to contribute to coming up with a solution to this. it really seems that he put this back on you.

So it also says to me that he's immature.

why don't you work up a budget and show him what would happen to your lifestyle if you were to become pregnant. 

figure out how much all of the baby gear would cost plus how much it would cost to feed and diaper and clothes and for medical care and all of the things that a young child needs. and if you work how that would impact your bottom line. If you need childcare. 

then talk about the hobbies that he couldn't afford and the places that you couldn't go and etcetera etcetera etcetera and then start discussing a mature approach to family planning.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Wow, thanks for the replies everyone! He actually recommended something else more permanent. I just didn't see the point since everyone uses condoms just fine and they have done just fine for us since day 1. I love oral sex, but what I'm saying is that I don't get any release from giving him oral or a hand job so why should I help him out like that? He learned way back when we were dating that I won't do that stuff unless I get something in return, that's why we don't do anything while on my period. I feel gross and just don't feel sexy at all so I won't let him do anything to me and he just takes care of himself for that week.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I still don't understand. He can pleasure you while you pleasure him. Have you heard of mutual masturbation?

What do you mean more permanent?


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I still don't understand. He can pleasure you while you pleasure him. Have you heard of mutual masturbation?
> 
> What do you mean more permanent?


We've talked about that but it makes me feel uncomfortable. He mentioned the shot or birth control pills. I just think we should keep using condoms and having him pull out. He said the sensation of climaxing in me is why he did it with the condom on. It just seems self centered and that he doesn't care if he gets me pregnant. I find myself having a hard time trusting him sexually since that happened.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are part of the problem here. Why do you get to call ask the sexual shots? That doesn't fly in marriage.

I'm afraid you have some unhealthy feelings about sex. It is normal that he would want to cum in you.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> You are part of the problem here. Why do you get to call ask the sexual shots? That doesn't fly in marriage.
> 
> I'm afraid you have some unhealthy feelings about sex. It is normal that he would want to cum in you.


How am I part of the problem. My H simply doesn't respect my request to pull out before he cums. His lack of following through with what I want sexually has caused him discipline in the form of no sex for 2 months. He has brought this all onto himself by causing mistrust. I think my friends are fools for having sex without a condom let alone the ones that let their H orgasm while inside of them. It's no different if he pulls out and jerks off to finish, he's still having an orgasm.... He has done this for years and now is trying to change the rules all of a sudden which is not going to fly with me and he is finding out the hard way...


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

So youve been married for 3 years but...

- He always has to wear a condom
- He can never finish inside of you even with a condom on
- You never give him oral

And you wonder why he is dissapointed and wants to change things up? Is this normal in married couples? Do women normally have these prudish views about sex?


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> How am I part of the problem. My H simply doesn't respect my request to pull out before he cums. His lack of following through with what I want sexually has caused him discipline in the form of no sex for 2 months. He has brought this all onto himself by causing mistrust. I think my friends are fools for having sex without a condom let alone the ones that let their H orgasm while inside of them. It's no different if he pulls out and jerks off to finish, he's still having an orgasm.... He has done this for years and now is trying to change the rules all of a sudden which is not going to fly with me and he is finding out the hard way...


Seriously?

You are part of the problem because you seem to view sex as something you reward him with, not something done as a mutual loving act between two people. You speak of "disciplining" your husband, the man you claim to love, by putting him on a sexual hiatus for the terrible crime of orgasming inside his wife. Awful. He's a grown adult; who are you to discipline him for anything? 

It is not all about him and his wishes. But it is not all about you are yours, either. Neither one of you should be calling all the shots. Why can't you work towards a compromise on this issue without it being all your way?

And regarding your comments about not getting anything from pleasing your husband: unless he has some track record of being a taker without being a giver (and you have not indicated that either way), that entire line of thought makes you come across as selfish and immature. My wife and I make it solely about the other one quite often, because we like to please each other. Really, does his happiness mean nothing to you?

ETA:

In your first post, you said:



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Any thoughts on this as I really want to get this back on track but just want to know how I can get him to use a condom and continue to pull out.


Well, I guess just tell him that's the way it's going to be if he wants to keep having sex with you, and let the cards fall where they may. He may go along with it. He may tell you to go f*** yourself and hand you divorce papers. I think I would. Either way, go into it knowing that he isn't happy with the status quo. People change and grow and if he isn't happy, then he isn't. You can either compromise and work something out - or maintain a hard line and risk pushing him away.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> How am I part of the problem. My H simply doesn't respect my request to pull out before he cums. *His lack of following through with what I want sexually has caused him discipline in the form of no sex for 2 months.* He has brought this all onto himself by causing mistrust. I think my friends are fools for having sex without a condom let alone the ones that let their H orgasm while inside of them. It's no different if he pulls out and jerks off to finish, he's still having an orgasm.... He has done this for years and now is trying to change the rules all of a sudden which is not going to fly with me and he is finding out the hard way...


Disciplining your husband by not having sex with him? 

It sounds like you won't do anything of what he wants sexually but you expect him to do everything exactly how you want it. Isn't marriage supposed to be a 2 way street or are all women like you?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Pulling out and jerking off is not at all the same experience as cumming inside a woman. I don't blame him for wanting that...with his wife no less.

I suppose you can continue trying to 'condition' him by witholding sex but I really think you will regret that course of action in the long run. Sex with your spouse is not something you dole out as a reward or withold as punishment. Sex is for both of you. 

Try having an adult conversation with him and come to an agreement.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

All i can say is WOW. You are the one who needs to understand something. One of the BIG perks of being married is sexual freedom without having to worry about "pulling out" or wearing a condom like some college kid. 

You need to go find a more longterm form of birth control ( like the pill, the shot, IUD, etc. etc. etc. ) and get over your controlling juvenile attitude toward sex.

By the way, I think you mean 2 way street ... And right now it sound pretty 1 way.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Must be a troll post
No wife could seriously think like this


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> How am I part of the problem. My H simply doesn't respect my request to pull out before he cums. His lack of following through with what I want sexually has caused him discipline in the form of no sex for 2 months. He has brought this all onto himself by causing mistrust. I think my friends are fools for having sex without a condom let alone the ones that let their H orgasm while inside of them. It's no different if he pulls out and jerks off to finish, he's still having an orgasm.... He has done this for years and now is trying to change the rules all of a sudden which is not going to fly with me and he is finding out the hard way...


You are going to have a rude awakening when your husband wakes up to how awful his sex life is. You were warned. On your head, so be it.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

tommyr said:


> Must be a troll post
> No wife could seriously think like this


Alot of women have prudish views on sex, low sex drive etc etc. Far more so than men. So this is probably not a troll. Alot of women actually are this way.


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

The OP has gone back under her bridge. Troll or ogre. Gives me shivers.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Listen, if this is real give her a chance. She isn't going to be successful in marriage without talking about this.

She seems very young and very misinformed.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> . I love oral sex, but what I'm saying is that I don't get any release from giving him oral or a hand job so why should I help him out like that?


Because you love him?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I just didn't see the point since everyone uses condoms just fine and they have done just fine for us since day 1. .


I think that is your problem. Almost NOBODY that is married uses a condom. Unless you have a blood clotting problem where birth control is out of the question, THAT is what most people use. Guys HATE condoms. They cut down the sensitivity by half. 

I too think you are the one with the problem. Sorry dear.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Time4Joy said:


> The OP has gone back under her bridge. Troll or ogre. Gives me shivers.


I presume that what gives you the shivers, is that it's hard to tell if such craziness is real, because real people can be ALMOST that crazy. It gives me the shivers, too.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> We've talked about that but it makes me feel uncomfortable. He mentioned the shot or birth control pills. I just think we should keep using condoms and having him pull out. He said the sensation of climaxing in me is why he did it with the condom on. It just seems self centered and that he doesn't care if he gets me pregnant. I find myself having a hard time trusting him sexually since that happened.


It won't be just him that "gets you pregnant" - it will be both of you. I can't understand why you don't want him coming inside you, even with a condom on. It seems to me that you don't particularly enjoy sex and certainly can't see the point in doing it if there's nothing in in for you. What's wrong with mutual masturbation. Do you have any idea how lucky you are that your husband wants to have sex with you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Classic troll post, drip feed info and put in some real clangers about how selfish the OP really is but is blaming their partner for the problems.
Not buying whatever it is this s/he is selling. Either a man hater or a woman hater, both are the same creature IMHO.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This is a completely unbelievable story.

If what you post is real, you have WAY bigger issues than birth control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> My H and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3. We have always used a comdom except for a few times, and he always pulls out before he reaches orgasm. I have always thought this was the best idea to help prevent pregnancy. My H has been expressing for the last year that he believes a married couple should not use condoms and my friends all agree with him when I bring this up with them. Why wouldn't we use a condom if we don't want to get pregnant? It just seems like common sense, pulling out is just an extra little thing to help prevent it further. About 2 months ago he didn't pull out and came while inside of me. This really upset me as I don't like him to cum in me, even with a condom. This combined with not wanting to wear a condom has made me not want to be intimate for the last 2 months. He has mentioned me helping him either with my hand or orally but I don't see the point in that as I get nothing from it. *Marriage is a 2 way streak and I wouldn't get anything from it so this is not a possibility.* Any thoughts on this as I really want to get this back on track but just want to know how I can get him to use a condom and continue to pull out.
> 
> Thanks!
> 
> -Lilly


Really? So, everything you do for him MUST be good for you also? How about stuff he does for you? Does he go down on you, bring you flowers, buy you presents, listen to you talk about your day.....? If so what exactly does he get from that? 

I think your idea of a two way street is a little misguided.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
I'm also betting Troll.

But - if this is real, please come back and discuss. You have some very serious issues with sex that you should talk about.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Oh, damn. I have to learn to read more before replying. After reading the OP's follow up posts I'm calling :bsflag:

If not your rediculousness will get you divorced soon enough.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Thanks for the input from those that have been helpful. Please do not call me a troll, none of you know how I look and have no right to call me ugly so I would appreciate it if you stop.

I have considered getting on the shot but would just still feel better to wear a condom. I just really don't want to get pregnant.

I don't see how this is unrealistic, is it unbelievable that I want to have sex with him, but find it hard to trust him now that he has cum while inside me? He has never done that before and had always pulled out to finish. I came here for help and input not to be slammed and called a troll.....

Also, I hate how cum feels which is another reason I do not like to give handjobs blowjobs for those of you asking. It's sticky and just gross...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Please understand that your feelings of disgust cuts him like a knife. You are rejecting something that eminates from him. It is part of him as a man.

Do you want to hurt him?

What is your background? Age, religion. Other factors.

Not wanting to get pregnant is one thing but there is an underlying issue that is all on you. I urge you to consider that your view is damaging to him as a man and to your marriage. 

Your rigidity is because of what? You come across mean. Are you mean to him? Do you respect him?

If you were my daughter I would urge you to educate yourself about sex and men. I would urge you to stop trying to be so controlling and to figure out where these feelings come from. I would suggest counseling.

The practical matters are a cover for your aversions. They are your problem, not his. And you must fix them.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Thanks for the input from those that have been helpful. *Please do not call me a troll, none of you know how I look and have no right to call me ugly* so I would appreciate it if you stop.
> 
> I have considered getting on the shot but would just still feel better to wear a condom. I just really don't want to get pregnant.
> 
> ...


First bold part....is this your first day on the internet?

Second part....Then we can't help you. You don't like it. He wants it. It will be what it will be. Either he will suck it up and be miserable, or he will find a woman who will do these things for him, either before or after he ends your marriage. 

Care to answer my question from earlier about if he does things for you that he gets nothing out of?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you want to help this girl or just berate her? Driving her away won't help their marriage or her husband. 

If you have kids, would you like someone treating them like this?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I'm helping her with tough love. But it doesn't matter. She's going to do what she's going to do. 

And again, not really believing any of this. But, I will try to restrain myself.

And if my kids were trolling an internet forum that's trying to help people with actual problems, I'd have no problem with people saying anything I've said here to them. If they posted something like this and it was legit, then I'd hope someone would talk some sense into them, with flowers or napalm, what ever it took.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

OP

1. A troll is not an ugly person, it's an internet term for someone posing as a sincere poster, when they are not.

2. the marriage bond should normally (unless medical or age issues) include a full and unlimited sexual experience.

3. your views on sex (respectfully speaking) are way too restrictive and will lead to unfulfilled long term intimacy and all the myriad problems that go with it.

4. you should speak to your obgyn or councelor or both.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I have considered getting on the shot but would just still feel better to wear a condom. I just really don't want to get pregnant.


Education is your friend:

www.plannedparenthood.org/health-info/birth-control

Condoms and withdrawal are poor forms of birth control compared to the other options.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

In answer to the question posed as the subject of the thread:

You can't. You won't.

There's a reason all your friends agree with your H. 

Perhaps the question should be, how can your H get you to understand that you are unreasonably restricting him to about 10% of the pleasure of sex with a spouse?


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Do you want to help this girl or just berate her? Driving her away won't help their marriage or her husband.
> 
> If you have kids, would you like someone treating them like this?


Thank you, I'm glad someone wants to help me and not just call me names and say I'm fake.

In reply to the earlier question, I don't like it when he goes down on me, it's gross and I'm extremely self conscious even though I'm very clean and it feels good.

I'm just not a big fan touching and playing. I have helped him out before when he asked. There was a weekend where we went away and he had flowers delivered to the room and pedals put all over the bed and floor before we arrived. It was a great time and very thoughtful of him. Unfortunately I was on my period and he knew this. We took a shower together and he asked for a "hand" I fondled him for a couple of minutes and we kissed in the shower but I just wanted to take a shower and get out of there since I felt gross.

I just don't get any enjoyment from fondling a penis and cannot stand the cum, it's gross and he knows I feel this way. The penis is meant to be in the vagina and that is all. That way both people get pleasure.

Before anyone asks, yes we used to have oral sex and play with each other before we were married, but that was years ago when we were younger. He is now 28 and I am 30 so I think we are past that young age of playing.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazednadnconfulsed80
If this is a sincere post, then I apologize for thinking you were a troll.

It is the part of your post that I have highlighted that deeply concerned me. It is disrespectful to think about "disciplining" the person you love. Sex should never be used as a tool / weapon/ bribe in a relationship - sex is something you do for EACH OTHER.

Now his finishing in you without permission was bad. Its OK for you to not want him to do that, but if so, I think to be fair you should provide a pleasurable alternative. HJ or BJ (his preference) to completion since he cant have what is otherwise the best part of sex.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening dazednadnconfulsed80
> If this is a sincere post, then I apologize for thinking you were a troll.
> 
> It is the part of your post that I have highlighted that deeply concerned me. It is disrespectful to think about "disciplining" the person you love. Sex should never be used as a tool / weapon/ bribe in a relationship - sex is something you do for EACH OTHER.
> ...


Thank you Richard, I appreciate that. I understand but it's just the fact that I do not trust him enough to have sex at this point for fear he will do it again. He has asked me if I would "finish him off" either with my mouth or hands. He knows this will not happen due to the shear fact that I cannot stand having cum on me, let alone in my mouth. He has never finished in my mouth and never will, sorry but that's not a possibility.

Another reason I don't like BJs is that my jaw starts to ache after a while. I gave him 1 BJ when we first started dating and it was terrible. My jaw was so sore I didn't even want to talk. He felt bad and I told him that was the last time he would get one of those so I hope he enjoyed it. I would still give him some oral pleasure during foreplay but only 20-30 seconds to get him warmed up to get inside of me. That wasn't good enough for him so I stopped all together...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> My jaw was so sore I didn't even want to talk. He felt bad and I told him that was the last time he would get one of those so I hope he enjoyed it. I would still give him some oral pleasure during foreplay but only 20-30 seconds to get him warmed up to get inside of me. That wasn't good enough for him so I stopped all together...


You write this and expect us to take you seriously? 

Call me insensitive, but no way in hell I'm going to be this gullible. On the one-in-million chance that you're fer real, spend a week reading posts in this section of the forum and see if a little education doesn't go a long way. 

But I don't buy it.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Cletus said:


> You write this and expect us to take you seriously?
> 
> Call me insensitive, but no way in hell I'm going to be this gullible. On the one-in-million chance that you're fer real, spend a week reading posts in this section of the forum and see if a little education doesn't go a long way.
> 
> But I don't buy it.


With all due respect, please don't post if you are going to be like the others and say I'm fake. I'm looking for actual help here and just because I don't like to BJs does not mean I'm fake. There ARE women out there that don't give them for the reason I have stated above.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

good god if this is real then I feel bad for your h. my wife was like you and I finally left her ass.....


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Well, I guess since you have laid it all out. You want what you want and that's fine but I do not think anyone on this board will be able to assist you. It sounds very much like you husband is sexually unfulfilled. He might have been for a while and it is just now getting unbearable for him. I don't think there is anything we can suggest that will convince him to keep at it, nor should we try, since I don't think it would be promoting a healthy marriage.

Then there is this:



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I just don't get any enjoyment from fondling a penis and *cannot stand the cum, it's gross and he knows I feel this way.* The penis is meant to be in the vagina and that is all. That way both people get pleasure.


You do realize that you just said your husband knows that you think part of him is gross and you are disgusted by part of his body and what makes him a sexual man. Let me repeat: he knows his wife, the woman he loves, is disgusted by his sexuality. Do you have any idea how utterly demoralizing and humiliating that can be for a person, to be rejected in such a way?



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Before anyone asks, yes we used to have oral sex and play with each other before we were married, but that was years ago when we were younger. He is now 28 and I am 30 so I think we are past that young age of playing.


Have you ever heard the quote, "You don't get stop playing when you get old but get old because you stop playing?" I am a decade older than you and most people my age are still enjoying a vigorous sex life, including oral. There's no age limit on it. Too old? Pish posh.

Dazed, I considered not posting here again because I think we posters are only peeing into the wind. You are very set on what you want, which is fine. But if your husband is not happy, and you are unwilling to compromise with him, then ultimately, I think it will kill the love in your marriage. You have a choice: continue as you are and risk him pulling away or swallowing your pride, figuring out a compromise, and working through this issue with him.

In any event, I wish you luck. I think before long, you are very much going to need it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> We've talked about that but it makes me feel uncomfortable. He mentioned the shot or birth control pills. I just think we should keep using condoms and having him pull out. He said the sensation of climaxing in me is why he did it with the condom on. It just seems self centered and that he doesn't care if he gets me pregnant. I find myself having a hard time trusting him sexually since that happened.


I can understand the loss of trust in that situation. However, a condom and pulling out makes little sense. The condom is 99.9% effective. Pulling and praying without a condom is playing a bad game. Pulling and wearing a condom must not be the greatest. I would not bother if my W asked me to do that. But that is just me.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Please tell us about your husband. What was his sexual experience when you first started dating? What kind of man would you say he is? What are his hobbies? What kind of work does he do? Stuff like that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> How am I part of the problem. My H simply doesn't respect my request to pull out before he cums. His lack of following through with what I want sexually has caused him discipline in the form of no sex for 2 months. He has brought this all onto himself by causing mistrust. I think my friends are fools for having sex without a condom let alone the ones that let their H orgasm while inside of them. It's no different if he pulls out and jerks off to finish, he's still having an orgasm.... He has done this for years and now is trying to change the rules all of a sudden which is not going to fly with me and he is finding out the hard way...


Hmmmm....time for your H to re-evaluate your marriage. :scratchhead:


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> I can understand the loss of trust in that situation. However, a condom and pulling out makes little sense. The condom is 99.9% effective. Pulling and praying without a condom is playing a bad game. Pulling and wearing a condom must not be the greatest. I would not bother if my W asked me to do that. But that is just me.


Exactly, if the condom were to fail, pulling out really won't help much.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> With all due respect, please don't post if you are going to be like the others and say I'm fake. I'm looking for actual help here and just because I don't like to BJs does not mean I'm fake. There ARE women out there that don't give them for the reason I have stated above.


No ****. I married one of them. 

You really want help? 

1. Understand why a married man doesn't want to keep using a condom with his wife until the heat death of the universe.
2. Stop viewing every sexual encounter as a transactional quid pro quo affair.
3. Stop weaponizing sex as a rolled up newspaper with which to smack your husband's nose
4. Start putting a little effort into satisfying your partner's sexual needs.
5. Get over your bodily fluid aversion
6. Quit speaking to your husband about sex as if every thing you do is some Gift from on High.

In other words, grow up. Transition from an eighth grade understanding of sexuality to that of an adult. And I'll continue to post on an open forum until I or the moderators decide otherwise, thank you very much.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Convection said:


> Well, I guess since you have laid it all out. You want what you want and that's fine but I do not think anyone on this board will be able to assist you. It sounds very much like you husband is sexually unfulfilled. He might have been for a while and it is just now getting unbearable for him. I don't think there is anything we can suggest that will convince him to keep at it, nor should we try, since I don't think it would be promoting a healthy marriage.
> 
> Then there is this:
> 
> ...


That is EXACTLY what I said, and I was called mean! Harumph!!


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> I can understand the loss of trust in that situation. However, a condom and pulling out makes little sense. The condom is 99.9% effective. Pulling and praying without a condom is playing a bad game. Pulling and wearing a condom must not be the greatest. I would not bother if my W asked me to do that. But that is just me.


Like I said, it's worked great so far for us. I don't buy the sensitivity part of it. After all what is the old joke about guys and condoms? That it feels better without and that's the excuse they typically use to get around using a condom.



I Don't Know said:


> Please tell us about your husband. What was his sexual experience when you first started dating? What kind of man would you say he is? What are his hobbies? What kind of work does he do? Stuff like that.


He has been with 5 other women in his life and I'd say he used to be a very sexual man but toned down after we got married. He likes to work on his cars, and workout, and play basketball. He's a great provider and is a network architect.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Like I said, it's worked great so far for us.


Correction - it's worked for YOU. Your husband is clearly telling you that it is NOT working for him. Ignore him at your peril.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Also, I hate how cum feels which is another reason I do not like to give handjobs blowjobs for those of you asking. It's sticky and just gross...


Oh, puh-leeze. And your poor, POOR husband.

You need a visit to a licensed SEX THERAPIST, pronto.

Your hangups are really strange, to say the least.

Part of marriage is being free and open, not cloistering your husband in a rubber raincoat because YOU don't "like the way something feels."

How about what HE likes, and what HE feels? (Hint -- a guy doesn't feel that much through a condom)

Make that appointment TODAY...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Like I said, it's worked great so far for us. I don't buy the sensitivity part of it. After all what is the old joke about guys and condoms? That it feels better without and that's the excuse they typically use to get around using a condom.


Well, you know us men. Any ol' lie to have satisfying sex with our spouses.

We're such pigs. 

When you grow a penis, we'll all be interested in hearing your opinion on the sensitivity part of it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

didn't we just have another poster that was just as semenphobic?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Like I said, it's worked great so far for us.


Ummm... I don't think so. He's having conversations with other married people *and telling you it doesn't work for HIM.*




dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He has been with 5 other women in his life and *I'd say he used to be a very sexual man but toned down after we got married.*


Yeah, he "toned down" because you're so uptight and always make him wear CONDOMS. I'll bet sex with the other 4 women was mind-blowing. If I were him, I'd bail on sex with you too... Don't worry -- he will find satisfying sex elsewhere if he has to. That's the way these things work out...


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree with the other responders on this thread. I go on to say, your husband should be the one posting here. He is facing the real issue.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Unless you have ever given a BJ you can't understand.

OP, is he larger than average or are you petite?

Unfortunately, your attitude about sex would upset even the most understanding man. Are you willing to seek help to adjust it?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Ummm... I don't think so. He's having conversations with other married people *and telling you it doesn't work for HIM.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I wonder if her husband is really all that fussed about being cut off for going inside her...he may have a piece on the side. Sort of like sending a kid to bed without supper...when he has a hidden candy cache in his closet.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Op, please provide your ages and religion or ethnicity. How much of your beliefs are because of your upbringing?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Cletus,you know I like you. I'm respectfully requesting you bow out.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Unless you have ever given a BJ you can't understand.
> 
> OP, is he larger than average or are you petite?
> 
> Unfortunately, your attitude about sex would upset even the most understanding man. Are you willing to seek help to adjust it?


Thank you clipclop, he is larger than average and even vanilla sex has been painful before from this.

Why should I be the one to change, why should he not be the one?



samyeagar said:


> I wonder if her husband is really all that fussed about being cut off for going inside her...he may have a piece on the side. Sort of like sending a kid to bed without supper...when he has a hidden candy cache in his closet.


He knows that if he were to ever cheat I'd kick him out so fast it wouldn't even be funny.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Thank you clipclop, he is larger than average and even vanilla sex has been painful before from this.
> 
> Why should I be the one to change, why should he not be the one?
> 
> ...


He may get to the point where he doesn't see that as much of a threat.

ETA: And probably he hopes it's a promise you'll keep. He seems, at this point, too much of a doormat to leave of his own accord...though from what you describe here, your foundation is crumbling, and it's only a matter of time.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

We're not asking the root question here: why in the hell did you two get married? It boggles my mind that people come in here, having been married for years, discussing VERY BASIC sexual incompatibilities, somehow stunned that it could be a big issue now. You TOLD him, flat out, "hey, enjoy that first, and last, BJ," and he still married you? You are grossed out by semen, and he still married you? He had the nerve to orgasm inside you, and you slap him across the knuckles with a ruler and withhold sex for 2months?? And you have the NERVE to say, if he ever cheated, you'd "kick him out so fast it wouldn't even be funny," so flippant and empowered?

You have SERIOUS sexual issues. Stop trying to transfer and direct us toward what YOU think are your husband's worse problems/attitudes. Worry about yourself and getting over your own MASSIVE insecurities. In the meantime, I'd cut your husband loose, geez, let the guy go enjoy some normal sex, both of you should find better mates.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Like I said, it's worked great so far for us. I don't buy the sensitivity part of it. After all what is the old joke about guys and condoms? That it feels better without and that's the excuse they typically use to get around using a condom.


Well I was going to explain that if sex felt no different with a condom then there would be no reason for men to not want to wear one and therefore no reason to lie about sex feeling different with a condom. 

Buuut. That really doesn't matter because even if I could convince you of this, you would still want him to wear one because you just don't like feeling him or his cum. 

I do have a hard time believing that a man who had some sexual experience would have agreed to all your conditions for sex before you were married. Most guys would have walked. Honestly, I'd think he would have had to have been pretty desperate for some action to do so. Ooooor. He didn't realize this was all going to continue into marriage.

So here's the deal, Dazed. Your husband wants to be accepted by you. He needs you to WANT every part of him. When you tell him he must use a condom AND pull out, he hears that you are so disgusted by him (not cum, HIM) that one barrier is not enough. He is not happy. Infact he is getting very angry, which is probably why he didn't pull out. If he stays long enough and things do not change on your part, he will likely develop serious self image and self esteem problems. But that's a big if. You are actually doing him a favor by insisting he wear a condom and pull out. He wont feel like he has to stay for the kids or pay child support.

How's that for circular logic?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Cletus,you know I like you. I'm respectfully requesting you bow out.


Indeed?


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> He may get to the point where he doesn't see that as much of a threat.


I think he's smart enough to know that it would cost him quite a bit.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I feel sorry for him


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I think he's smart enough to know that it would cost him quite a bit.


Dazed please get some ic soon.
You guys having been married only 3 years and no kids I don't think it would cost him all that much.
I hope you get some help jmo.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I feel somewhat sorry for him as well BUT he stays and tolerates this nonsense as well. So that's kinda on him. Unless the other poster who suggested he has someone on the side is right.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I think he's smart enough to know that it would cost him quite a bit.


So you've got the hook set now and to hell with what he wants. Nice. 

Just so you know, sometimes there is no price too great for happiness.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Cletus,you know I like you. I'm respectfully requesting you bow out.


What? :scratchhead:

Personally, I think Cletus's advice is spot on...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> So you've got the hook set now and to hell with what he wants. Nice.
> 
> Just so you know, sometimes there is no price too great for happiness.


:iagree::iagree:


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

I'm seeing red flags for CSA. I hope I'm wrong.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NewLife2017 said:


> I'm seeing red flags for CSA. I hope I'm wrong.


I was wondering that also.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I think he's smart enough to know that it would cost him quite a bit.


Staying is costing him a good and fulfilling sex life. 

3 year marriage, no kids...it really doesn't sound like it would cost him anything to move on and find a woman who sees his needs as important.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

NewLife2017 said:


> I'm seeing red flags for CSA. I hope I'm wrong.


CSA?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> CSA?


Childhood sexual abuse.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I think he's smart enough to know that it would cost him quite a bit.


So on top of this extreme uptight and prudish attitude about sex and using sex as a way to "discipline" your husband you are also saying that if he wants to leave you'll take him to the cleaners.

You seem like a wonderful wife


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

norajane said:


> Staying is costing him a good and fulfilling sex life.
> 
> 3 year marriage, no kids...it really doesn't sound like it would cost him anything to move on and find a woman who sees his needs as important.


I make less than 1/3 of what he makes so I'm pretty sure I would get alimony at the least, if not the house. That's all besides the point..

Also, I was not sexually abused as a child.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Moops said:


> So on top of this extreme uptight and prudish attitude about sex and using sex as a way to "discipline" your husband you are also saying that if he wants to leave you'll take him to the cleaners.
> 
> You seem like a wonderful wife


I'm saying if he were to cheat, I would kick him out and make him pay.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm saying if he were to cheat, I would kick him out and make him pay.


And I say he should hand you the divorce papers and kick *you* out. You are just leeching of him and making his life miserable.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm saying if he were to cheat, I would kick him out and make him pay.


What if he just divorced you for being selfish and unreasonable? If you've only been married a few years, you're unlikely to get much in alimony - if any - and only for a short transitional period.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm saying if he were to cheat, I would kick him out and make him pay.


You two just are not compatible can't you just give him a fair uncontested divorce?
You will both be happier imo.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Moops said:


> And I say he should hand you the divorce papers and kick *you* out. You are just leeching of him and making his life miserable.


I don't have to worry about that, I was stupid several years ago and had an emotional affair and almost left him, yet he begged me to stay. He won't leave, trust me on that one.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I think he's smart enough to know that it would cost him quite a bit.


Holding things over his head to make him "perform" to you liking appears to be childish at best. Unless of course there is some strange fetish going on here. :scratchhead:


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

If anyone would like a neat and tidy explanation of why I am in starkly in FAVOR of divorce, just read this thread. Think of the datig relationships people have that they end because they "don't think it's the one" for marriage. Then they suddenly choose one and say, "this is it." Guess what? *Some people choose wrong.* Like this one. They should be 100% free to GTFO, with no stigma, or anything. "Welp, this wasn't it, oh well...."

The fact that OP has the BALLS to purport that she would ask for anything from this guy in a divorce, is astounding. I have seen some real s**t on this forum in my short time, and I have made an intentional, directed effort, to not opine on anyone's character, or assume anything about their nature, to only deal with the situation, to not present myself as "having the answers," only try to be supportive, a cheerleader, if you will.

But.....good........god. OP, you sound like a horrible, horrible wife, and person, I can't hold that in any longer. You ARE NOT compatible with this man (and I'm not sure what kind of man you would be compatible with), and you have no right to take anything MORE from him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I make less than 1/3 of what he makes so I'm pretty sure I would get alimony at the least, if not the house. That's all besides the point..


It is very much the point. You have already sat and calculated what you could get if H does not heed and obey your every whim. 

You appear very calculating and callus.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If you have sons have them come and read this thread. What can happen in life when you make poor decisions.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't have to worry about that, I was stupid several years ago and had an emotional affair and almost left him, yet he begged me to stay. He won't leave, trust me on that one.


You're a real piece of work. Good luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't have to worry about that, I was stupid several years ago and had an emotional affair and almost left him, yet he begged me to stay. He won't leave, trust me on that one.


Well now this is on him then for putting up with this.
Dazed have him sign up here on TAM.
We'll straighten him out for you.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't have to worry about that, I was stupid several years ago and had an emotional affair and almost left him, yet he begged me to stay. He won't leave, trust me on that one.


Okay, either you are just trolling everybody here or you clearly resent your husband.

A wife who really loves her husband would never write things like you have written in this thread. 

A man can only take so much, eventually there is a good chance that he will get fed up with you and ditch you.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazedandconfused80
You have every right to not want him to finish in you, condom or not - pregnancy is an extremely serious, life changing consequence if abortion is not acceptable to you.

But - I also think that you need to make a lot more effort to please him - assuming he is willing to make a similar effort for you. You should each by trying very hard to please the other.

Refusing to finish him off even with your hands is something most men would not find acceptable. Most me would expect their partners to let them sometimes finish with a BJ as well. 

Denying him these things will lead to him resenting you. That resentment can grow and fester. Sure you can get child support (the fact that you even think about that worries me), but you will lose HIM. 

Is it really so difficult to do these things to please the man you love? 




dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Thank you Richard, I appreciate that. I understand but it's just the fact that I do not trust him enough to have sex at this point for fear he will do it again. He has asked me if I would "finish him off" either with my mouth or hands. He knows this will not happen due to the shear fact that I cannot stand having cum on me, let alone in my mouth. He has never finished in my mouth and never will, sorry but that's not a possibility.
> 
> Another reason I don't like BJs is that my jaw starts to ache after a while. I gave him 1 BJ when we first started dating and it was terrible. My jaw was so sore I didn't even want to talk. He felt bad and I told him that was the last time he would get one of those so I hope he enjoyed it. I would still give him some oral pleasure during foreplay but only 20-30 seconds to get him warmed up to get inside of me. That wasn't good enough for him so I stopped all together...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I make less than 1/3 of what he makes so I'm pretty sure I would get alimony at the least, if not the house.


You are misinformed on this matter.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I make less than 1/3 of what he makes so I'm pretty sure I would get alimony at the least, if not the house. That's all besides the point..


For a 3 year marriage you would get alimony for maybe a year in a couple of states. In most states you would get nothing. Did you put him through college while married or anything like that? 

Anyway, in most cases whatever equity you have in your assets would be split 50/50 and no alimony at this stage. Of course the answer would be different if you were a SAHM for 10 years. Hopefully he's not dumb enough to get you pregnant. Oh wait, that can't happen now can it.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

I am beggining to think that the OP is actually a man who has made this thread in order to make women look bad.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

asking why you should have to change and him not can is an unhelpful question. I think you are very rigid and immature. & I really question whether you love this man.

I'm going to be very blunt. You sound like a spoiled brat. 

so he's a little larger than other men. that means for vaginal you need to be really turned on. also certain positions are going to hurt more than others. For instance you probably don't like doggy. but for other positions if he is gentle and make sure that you're well lubricated take this time you should be ok. 

darling you have to change your attitude I just have to be willing to change it because if you don't he's going to leave you or cheat. And you can stand here all day and pretend like you're the strongest person on the planet but its going to hurt like hell. so I realized that you have an obligation in this marriage just as he does. you have to meet him at least halfway and you're not even close. 

do you want to stay married or do you want to be right? because being right to you means more than you can just walk away from the marriage now and save you both a lot of heartache. 

if you want help trying to modify your thinking we can try that here but you'd be better served by a professional. 

I'm willing to try to help you but you have to be willing to recognize that you have a big problem and that's all on you. 

and its not even that other women will do for him what you will not. It's that this is inhibiting your potential happiness in this marriage and in any relationship going forward. you sure your stubbornness I can I use self some of the greatest pleasures on the planet and pleasures that I meant to be experienced by man and wife.

now you can tell me whether you're willing to be open to new ideas or if you are completely closed off. Because if your mind is made up then there's nothing we can do to help you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't have to worry about that, I was stupid several years ago and had an emotional affair and almost left him, yet he begged me to stay. He won't leave, trust me on that one.


d&c... I just threw up in my mouth. Pardon me while I exit this thread. I hope you find all the help (and then some) that you clearly need.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I make less than 1/3 of what he makes *so I'm pretty sure I would get alimony at the least, if not the house.* That's all besides the point..


Sorry Sweetie, but with a three-year-marriage and no kids, you'll get NOTHING but 50% of the equity and 50% of the DEBT.

No spousal support for you...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Personality disorder? Sounds like it could be.

Arrogance is not a virtue.

Anyone if pushed far enough will leave.

You have not been married long and have no children. If you received spousal at all it would be for a very short time. I would suspect you would not receive it at all. 

Answer all the questions please.

If you won't do that I will not continue to engage. Everyone likes potential for success. Without the possibility of success I have other things to do.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening.
I actually hope so. If dazedandconfused80 is real, then she is treating her husband terribly. 

If you are real, I'm honestly not saying this to be mean, but you need to change. You may have been brought up to think this is normal, but if you don't you are going to have a very lonely life. 




Moops said:


> I am beggining to think that the OP is actually a man who has made this thread in order to make women look bad.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't have to worry about that, I was stupid several years ago and had an emotional affair and almost left him, yet he begged me to stay. He won't leave, trust me on that one.


That tells me all I need to know about you. I just wish he could see what you've posted.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Here's the advice I'd give your husband:

Divorce her. She's cheated on you and has zero respect for you. She has no desire to incorporate your sexual likes and is doling out sex when your a good little boy. Get the love you want, cut this woman loose. Take her off the pedestal there are 1 million women you can replace her with. 

If you insist on trying to work this out, here's the steps take:
1. Get your body and house in order. 
2. Read NMMNG and MMSLP, along with when i say no I feel guilty. (Look on the site for the acronyms)
3. When you're in shape, up the leadership in your house. Stop asking for permission and do things for yourself. Go on a guys weekends. 
4. After 6 months make your demand, use "I need". I.e, "I need bareback sex. Whether you can do it, let me know. I have decisions to make"
5. If she fails to conform, cut her loose. You're a better man and can now upgrade. 

So what's this all mean? When he joins a gym and starts to make big changes, there's a plan in motion. Be prepared to be set aside.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Wow... Just wow.

Let him go and go get your teddy bear and enjoy the rest of your life.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

Having read the whole thread, this attitude is just so outrageous and over-the-top, I remain convinced this is a troll. 

In the entirely unlikely case that you are for real OP, here's what you should know

1.* You are going to lose this man. *

2. As someone else stated, you do sound like you have the sexual attitudes and maturity of an 8th grader. Very immature and underdeveloped. You are completely oblivious to the sensuality and bonding experience that is part of the sex act between a married couple. You are desperately in need enlightenment.

3. It is not a wife's place to discipline her husband for anything. A superior disciplines a subordinate. People who are each other's equals do not discipline each other. (Marital partners are each other's equals). Your attitude is disrespectful, cold and unloving. 

4. You're a very selfish sexual partner (it wouldn't be accurate to use the word "lover" under these circumstances), in that you are unwilling to do the typical things most married people do for one another since 'there's nothing in it for you'. The fabulous feeling that comes with bringing your spouse pleasure and satisfying his needs IS what's in it for you. 

5. It is completely the norm for a married man to ejaculate inside his wife.That is a part of the bonding process that occurs when a husband and wife have sex. There are numerous forms of reliable birth control that allow for this - you need to start using one so your husband can be allowed to fully enjoy the sexual experience with his wife. My husband pulled out only once (quite recently) during our entire 22 year marriage when we got a little carried away too close to ovulation - and while I was ultimately relieved that he was actually level headed enough in the moment to do so, it was disappointing FOR ME that he wasn't inside me at that moment. And from what I understand, its an even bigger deal for most guys - understandably so. Its like you are interrupting the sense of intimacy _at the key moment_.

6. Pat Benetar said it best in the '80s - Stop using sex as a weapon. 

Overall, you are treating this man like complete trash. And one way or another, that will inevitably backfire on you sooner or later. You've already had an EA and you talk like you have no regard for this man you vowed to love and cherish. You shouldn't be married if you love and respect him so little, and if you are so unconcerned with his sexual fulfillment. But you say he's a good provider - therefore it seems you are using him if you are staying married when you feel so much disdain for him as you have demonstrated here.

I don't normally speak this bluntly, but this is just so over the top, that it just comes across as completely fabricated. If you're for real, take the many responses you've received here (which all largely concur with one another) as a wake up call.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yeah, I noticed the "provider" part too. If someone asked my wife to describe the kind of man I am and that was the first thing she came up with I'd have some serious questions.

I realize security is important for most(?) women, but for that to be the first thing to come to mind...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I am extremely curious to know this girl's background.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I am extremely curious to know this girl's background.


She might live near a bridge... ?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

You never will be able to get your husband to understand. 
You have summarily dismissed everyone's comments here that did not expressly fall in line with what you want to hear. Based on what you have posted you are an uncaring, cold, calculated, frigid, self important, narcissistic, controlling, stubborn, arrogant woman with more hangups than can be dealt with here. My advice to you would be to find someone whose opinion you trust and that you will believe, if such a person exists.

A counselor, minister, psychiatrist or what have you and ask them for their advice so that you can see that we here are not belittling you but are actually in a state of disbelief at your level immaturity and cluelessness. You have expressed feelings and opinions here that are so far outside the realm of normal marriage so as not to be believable, hence the accusation of being a troll. You are in no way ready for a mature, adult relationship. Maybe with some intense counseling and therapy but I am not sure you will ever see things as they really are. Sadly, until you are able to even conceive of the fact that you could be wrong, no one on Earth will be able to help you. I feel for your husband and the torture he has endured and I feel for you in that you just don't have a clue. Good luck to you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

let's see if she comes back before we post anymore. we've been pretty clear that we disagree with her thinking and her approach. So anyone who would come in and read this thread would know where we stand.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I think the OP is gone. Watcha all wanta talk about? I think bojangles fries are the best.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I've never had them. 

Are they skinny or they thick cut?

Then why am I sure that I'm going to regret asking that?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Thick cut with Cajun seasoning.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

Great. Now I can't stop thinking about fries. I'm on a DIET!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do they serve beer? Blackened Voodoo?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I have a question unrelated to fries. Can someone explain to me the intent and/or purpose behind trolling?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Attention, power, amusement. Depends.

I dont think she is a troll. There are women with really unhealthy views of sex. Men too. This girl might also have contributing factors but unless she decides to share we will never know. She may be out trolling ( purely coincidental use of the word) other sites trying to find someone who will support her views instead of coming back here. It would be nice if she decided her husband and marriage were worth examining her thinking and being opento change. TAM could help her in the right direction. I have doubts we could do more than but if she took our advice and opened her heart maybe that's be just the push she needs. It is really up to her. If she can't see that she will end up on the losing end here nobody can save her.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I just wanted to say that I appreciate the opinions of everyone posting here and their view on this situation. I went to stay with a friend for a couple of nights because my h would not drop the subject of sex and I did not want to talk about it. I have decided I am going to file for d from this toxic relationship. I feel it will only get worse and if I can't trust him with sex who knows what else he has done dishonestly. Again I appreciate the help and opinions you have all given but this goes to show that things do work out in the end.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I love a happy ending!


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> I love a happy ending!


LOL - she's delusional! 

Her husband will be thanking her in a couple years, no matter what the cost of divorce.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

NeverAgain12 said:


> LOL - she's delusional!
> 
> Her husband will be thanking her in a couple years, no matter what the cost of divorce.


Yeah, divorce is the BEST present she can give him.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I wonder if she even realizes how far off she really is and what the odds are of finding a man that would even date her much less marry her.

It is really unnerving that a person could have that little understanding about life. One poster called her a spoiled brat and I would have to agree X10. Oh well good for the husband unless he is really, deeply in love with her, which I cannot understand. He will surely be happier with a "normal" woman.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Best present you can give him OP.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> ...but this goes to show that things do work out in the end.


OMG, is there any limits to this woman's insanity?!? What "goes to show," that you can choose divorce??! And divorce is your definition of "things working out"? I am so glad I read this article the other day, it immediately came to mind:

Itâ€™s Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks | The Onion - America's Finest News Source



> I’ll tell ya, Lady Luck is one harsh mistress. One minute you’re up, the next you’re down, the next you’re down even more—there’s absolutely no logic to it. You can be riding high, getting comped left and right, and lose it all in an instant, then face rapidly mounting losses for days on end. That’s why, after blowing thousands upon thousands of dollars at blackjack every single night for the past month, all I can do is shrug my shoulders, chuckle to myself, and say, “Well, ain’t that just my luck.”
> 
> If you’re anything like me, you sometimes feel like you were born under a bad sign. But you can’t let that get you down. Hey, sometimes it rains, sometimes your car breaks down on your way to work, sometimes you max out all your credit cards trying to win back everything you’ve lost over the past nine hours. That’s just the way life goes—we all go through unlucky patches in life and in all-night, stimulant-fueled gambling sessions.
> 
> ...


:lol::lol:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Eh, the OP, if this is a legitimate post, seems pretty much your garden variety narcissist. It's like a little peak inside the mind of a narcissist, without all the shiny camouflage such people usually employ to keep others from realizing what they're dealing with. When I see someone describe their spouse/partner as narcissistic, I often wonder if they mean simple selfishness or if they're actually encountering someone like this. Clearly, this is a whole other level beyond being merely selfish.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Eh, the OP, if this is a legitimate post, seems pretty much your garden variety narcissist. It's like a little peak inside the mind of a narcissist, without all the shiny camouflage such people usually employ to keep others from realizing what they're dealing with. *When I see someone describe their spouse/partner as narcissistic, I often wonder if they mean simple selfishness or if they're actually encountering someone like this. Clearly, this is a whole other level beyond being merely selfish*.


I know this is a tangent here, but I think you're right...the term narcissist is thrown about in place of selfishness, and self centeredness all too often. Unless they have experienced it for themselves, a person has no clue what a true narc is capable of...one of the reasons narc victims have such a hard time leaving, and people not believing the victim...it boggles the mind, and is quite literally unbelievable that a person could actually be like that.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Any man you end up with will be similar unless there is something wrong with him.

Does that even register with you?

You have a serious problem. You, not your husband. Please do not even consider marriage until you see someone to figure out why you are so rigid. 

I fear this is mote than a sexual aversion given your lack of attachment. It could be a lot of things. Since you wont talk about anything and are choosing the coward's way out good luck. You don't seem like it will faze you one bit but I predict a string of broken relationships.

Better you marry a eunuch next time.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, since OP has decided to file for divorce, what I say may just make her roll her eyes. D&C80, you are wrong. Way wrong. The only thing you have posted, before your declaration that you will file for divorce, was that there is nothing wrong with married couples using a condom. However, the excuses you used for using them were ridiculous. Yes, my husband and I used them, but only after I had just given birth, and after I had surgery which required the use of two forms of birth control. Other than that? No. I was on the pill. And the idea of having him pull out, whether with or without a condom, is unthinkable. I was permanently sterilized when our last child was born, so no need for any other form of birth control. I am SO GLAD! I HATE condoms! Always have. And, yes, they DO feel different. A LOT different!

I am honestly glad you have decided to release your husband from this marriage. Hopefully, he is not traumatized too much from your treatment and he can find someone who will love him as he should be loved.

Oh, and about oral... Kid, I am 39 years old and I LOVE oral. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with age. Nothing. In your case, it is solely about your aversion to bodily fluids. That is something I just cannot wrap my head around. If you don't like the fluids associated with sex, don't have sex. But DON'T get into a relationship with someone who DOES like sex!

Unbelievable. I just cannot believe people who treat their spouses as terribly as OP has done. *smh*


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



I Don't Know said:


> I love a happy ending!


So do I! Often, much more than my husband does!


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

I am hoping OP's husband finds TAM. Everyone will know immediately who he is and he will need the help. This poster was scary.:scratchhead:


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

dazedandconfuzed80

TROLL


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

hookares said:


> dazedandconfuzed80
> 
> TROLL



Yup. Pretty sure.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I can't believe this is real. The OP's attitude is meant to provoke. How can anyone be so horribly cold. If it is, her husband is a lucky man. If he posted, he would have been advised to read books, lift weights and all kinds of sh!t. Nothing wrong with that. A relationship should not be regarded as disposable and as such, worth hard work to solve problems.

However, this man didn't have to lift a finger and his problems are solved. Free at last to find a woman who at lest likes men and moisture.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It only provokes if you fall for it.

I'd be more inclined to believe a serious personality issue. 

Doesn't matter. The thread is done.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

This story has a happy ending after all .....at least for the x husband!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

This has been an interesting and thought provoking thread, but I agree with others. It has to be a TROLL.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> didn't we just have another poster that was just as semenphobic?


Yes! I believe somewhere out there in cyberspace some very tired mommy has become dazed and confuzed. Background details are a little different but writing style, focus on husband being selfish for wanting normal martial sex, OP being against certain acts because she gets nothing from it, not allowing foreplay (or playing around), and the disgust of bodily fluids are all too familiar. Too bizarre and too similar.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I just had an idea. Ofetn times you see a troll get banned from this forum. I am not suggesting the OP get banned from here, but I think she should get banned from any marriage, until she gets her issues corrected.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Exactly, if the condom were to fail, pulling out really won't help much.


Wrong. 

The reason to pull out (prior to orgasm) is to provide an additional safeguard in case there is breakage of the condom.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

People of TAM,
I called Troll on Page 1.
Why have you all fed 10 pages of pure nothing to this troll?
Please everybody, stop posting on this thread!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tommyr said:


> People of TAM,
> I called Troll on Page 1.
> Why have you all fed 10 pages of pure nothing to this troll?
> Please everybody, stop posting on this thread!


Why would you call troll on a post that you think is a troll post?

Do you seriously think everyone will read your post and nod and think "oh this guy really knows what he's talking about, he must be correct and therefore I will leave this thread and spend my valuable time posting elsewhere".

If you think so, well, you're rather clueless about how trolling works and how the average forum poster responds to a troll.

Why do trolls, troll? Or rather, what do they expect to gain from trolling? The answer is "attention and feedback". Therefore, ANY post, whether it's a post of support, a post that is flaming, or a post that is accusing one of being a troll, is exactly what the troll feeds upon.

Are you aware of the saying "don't feed the troll?"

It's beautiful in it's simplicity and obvious meaning. There is nothing to be gained by posting ANYTHING on a troll post because 1) your own post feeds the troll and 2) you won't be effective in dissuading others from posting on the thread.

My post is of course also bring attention to this thread and feeding the troll but at the same time, if even one person gets the idea and stops posting on suspected troll threads then it's worth it.

Folks if you suspect a troll post, make the moderators aware of your concerns and don't post on it for any reason. That much being said, I'm guilty of posting on suspected troll threads myself. Why? Because it's human nature. We just can't help it. That's why trolling still exists and that's why even seasoned posters continue to post on troll threads.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> didn't we just have another poster that was just as semenphobic?


LadyOfTheLake was like this. She admitted that she was she had aspergers and germ phobia. She was around long enough and 'real' enough that I don't think she was a troll.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

There are plenty of women out there who feel that bodily fluids are gross.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



clipclop2 said:


> There are plenty of women out there who feel that bodily fluids are gross.


Just as there are plenty who don't. Unfortunately, bodily fluid aversion and spousal punishment don't always occur in the same person.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Thank you, I'm glad someone wants to help me and not just call me names and say I'm fake.
> 
> In reply to the earlier question, I don't like it when he goes down on me, it's gross and I'm extremely self conscious even though I'm very clean and it feels good.
> 
> ...


I just read a thread and wonder if your husband posts here. Your comments are a mirror image of how he portrayed his wife.

So, this begs the question do you have Obsessive Compulsive disorder? I know someone who does and your ready made defenses, plus the explanations make it feel that way.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

That would be one explanation for sure.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Wrong.
> 
> The reason to pull out (prior to orgasm) is to provide an additional safeguard in case there is breakage of the condom.


I know at least 3 kids that were supposed to be sheet stains. Just sayin pull out isn't the best method. 4-27% failure rate according to planned parenthood.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Well I had a nice long talk with my h Saturday. I told him how I feel about everything and he told me how he feels. I also told him I was going to file for d if things couldn't change. I think we were able to come to an understanding and share a common ground at this point. He agreed to meet me in the middle and if he could get a bj or hj at least once per month he would continue to use a condom and pull out when he climaxes. I'm going to give this a shot and see what happens. I know they have flavored condoms that I could use so I will be getting some of those to try out and see if that helps.

I think everything will work out if we can keep this agreement going!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

SMH. Some guys deserve what they get.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Hey, they talked.

Are you going to follow through? What if you don't like the condoms? Is he ok not Oing in your mouth? How about if you were to spit?

I hope you will try to get used to it. BTW, if you were to allow him to shoot straight down the back of your throat you will not taste much.

What he eats can influence his taste. So dont give up without trying some things that might help.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Hey, they talked.
> 
> Are you going to follow through? What if you don't like the condoms? Is he ok not Oing in your mouth? How about if you were to spit?
> 
> ...


I'm fine with the condoms, that's never been an issue for me at all.

Not a chance he will O anywhere near my face. That's why I told him if he wants a bj we use a flavored condom and I stop before he cums and finish him with my hand. There is NO WAY I'm going to negotiate on that. Cum was not meant to be put in your mouth. That is disgusting to do that and I know plenty of women that agree with me on that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm fine with the condoms, that's never been an issue for me at all.
> 
> Not a chance he will O anywhere near my face. That's why I told him if he wants a bj we use a flavored condom and I stop before he cums and finish him with my hand. There is NO WAY I'm going to negotiate on that. Cum was not meant to be put in your mouth. * That is disgusting to do that and I know plenty of women that agree with me on that*.


And I know just as many who don't so it's a wash. My wife would be disappointed, and hurt even, if I let her give me a bj, and didn't finish in her mouth.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> And I know just as many who don't so it's a wash. My wife would be disappointed, and hurt even, if I let her give me a bj, and didn't finish in her mouth.


"Let her" give you a bj? Are you telling me she has to ask you if she can give you one? That's ridiculous, but good for you seriously.

It's just degrading and disgusting to do is all I'm saying. I have only known 2 or 3 women in my life that let their boyfriend/husband finish in their mouth, and please don't respond by saying I don't get out often because I have plenty of friends and have met lots of people as well.

My h is lucky to even get me to consider giving a bj with a flavored condom.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well I had a nice long talk with my h Saturday. I told him how I feel about everything and he told me how he feels. I also told him I was going to file for d if things couldn't change. I think we were able to come to an understanding and share a common ground at this point. He agreed to meet me in the middle and if he could get a bj or hj at least once per month he would continue to use a condom and pull out when he climaxes. I'm going to give this a shot and see what happens. I know they have flavored condoms that I could use so I will be getting some of those to try out and see if that helps.
> 
> I think everything will work out if we can keep this agreement going!





dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> "Let her" give you a bj? Are you telling me she has to ask you if she can give you one? That's ridiculous, but good for you seriously.
> 
> It's just degrading and disgusting to do is all I'm saying. I have only known 2 or 3 women in my life that let their boyfriend/husband finish in their mouth, and please don't respond by saying I don't get out often because I have plenty of friends and have met lots of people as well.
> 
> ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> "Let her" give you a bj? Are you telling me she has to ask you if she can give you one? That's ridiculous, but good for you seriously.
> 
> It's just degrading and disgusting to do is all I'm saying. I have only known 2 or 3 women in my life that let their boyfriend/husband finish in their mouth, and please don't respond by saying I don't get out often because I have plenty of friends and have met lots of people as well.
> 
> My h is lucky to even get me to consider giving a bj with a flavored condom.


I've never asked for a bj in my life, nor have I ever pressured for one, and aside from my ex wife, every woman I've ever dated has been the one to initiate it, so in my experience, I've only personally been involved with one woman who wouldn't.

My wife doesn't ask per se, rather tells me that she wants me in her mouth, or just does it of her own accord. There is nothing unusual about us at all.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And another thing that really gets my wife going, and surprisingly really got my ex wife going too was finishing between her breasts with it running down her neck, and then back inside her...takes about ten seconds and she's riding the PIV orgasm waves.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

karole said:


> dazedandconfuzed80 said:
> 
> 
> > "Let her" give you a bj? Are you telling me she has to ask you if she can give you one? That's ridiculous, but good for you seriously.
> ...


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You are lucky because I'm surprised he would agree to stay with you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sigh... 

I wish you would soften your stance and realize that you might actually enjoy it if you did it more of an opportunity. lots of women do myself included.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Sigh...
> 
> I wish you would soften your stance and realize that you might actually enjoy it if you did it more of an opportunity. lots of women do myself included.


I already have, a bj with a flavored condom and stopping before he cums is better than nothing and he agrees. I think he knows as well as I that most women don't like to do the act since he only had 1 out of all the others he dated do it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I already have, a bj with a flavored condom and stopping before he cums is better than nothing and he agrees. I think he knows as well as I that *most women don't like to do the act *since he only had 1 out of all the others he dated do it.


I disagree.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



karole said:


> You are lucky because I'm surprised he would agree to stay with you.


Agreed, karole. Her attitude toward sex with her husband is is more than a little over the top.

Dazed, no need to come up with a bunch of random numbers. You may know a lot of women who don't, or wouldn't, give their men bjs "just because", nor would they allow their SOs to finish in their mouths. That's fine. But the rest of us know plenty more who are very much the opposite. I am one such woman. Not only does my husband finish in my mouth when I have given him bjs, but I also swallow it. I've never used a condom to give a bj. To me, that's a ridiculous, unnecessary step. Condoms are for preventing pregnancy. You don't get pregnant by having semen in your mouth, nor by swallowing it.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Agreed, karole. Her attitude toward sex with her husband is is more than a little over the top.
> 
> Dazed, no need to come up with a bunch of random numbers. You may know a lot of women who don't, or wouldn't, give their men bjs "just because", nor would they allow their SOs to finish in their mouths. That's fine. But the rest of us know plenty more who are very much the opposite. I am one such woman. Not only does my husband finish in my mouth when I have given him bjs, but I also swallow it. I've never used a condom to give a bj. To me, that's a ridiculous, unnecessary step. Condoms are for preventing pregnancy. You don't get pregnant by having semen in your mouth, nor by swallowing it.


I am not throwing out random numbers, I am saying in my life I have known at least 30 women that do not like to do this act.

I feel that using a condom is necessary to prevent any fluids from getting in my mouth during the act. There is pre-cum and if he decides to not warn me I at least have a barrier to prevent it from getting in my mouth. It's quite simple, I don't like the texture so why would I like the taste? It's slimy, sticky, and gross. Yet again, I will say it is not meant for oral consumption, it's meant for reproducing human life!


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I disagree.


You're not a woman, and you can't simply go by the number of women that you have been with.....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> You're not a woman, and you can't simply go by the number of women that you have been with.....


What does me not being a woman have to do with anything? You are claiming that most woman do not like goving blow jobs based on the women you know. I am doing the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well I had a nice long talk with my h Saturday. I told him how I feel about everything and he told me how he feels. I also told him I was going to file for d if things couldn't change. I think we were able to come to an understanding and share a common ground at this point. He agreed to meet me in the middle and if he could get a bj or hj at least once per month he would continue to use a condom and pull out when he climaxes. I'm going to give this a shot and see what happens. I know they have flavored condoms that I could use so I will be getting some of those to try out and see if that helps.
> 
> *I think everything will work out if we can keep this agreement going*!


Whats the point though? It's obvious from your posts that you do not love him. What do you get out of this marriage?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I am not throwing out random numbers, I am saying in my life I have known at least 30 women that do not like to do this act.
> 
> I feel that using a condom is necessary to prevent any fluids from getting in my mouth during the act. There is pre-cum and if he decides to not warn me I at least have a barrier to prevent it from getting in my mouth. It's quite simple, I don't like the texture so why would I like the taste? It's slimy, sticky, and gross. Yet again, I will say it is not meant for oral consumption, it's meant for reproducing human life!


Again, your opinion. Not the opinions of... well, any woman I personally know lol. They don't have an aversion to their husbands/boyfriends' semen. And I know more than 30 women who feel the same way I do. Well, add 2-3 more because of those you know who agree with me. Frankly, I think you are ridiculous in how you have presented your circumstances here, and in how you have treated your husband. I feel sorry for him. Well, sort of. I feel sorry that he doesn't think he can do better.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> You're not a woman, and you can't simply go by the number of women that you have been with.....


I am a woman, and I agree with Sam.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



Moops said:


> Whats the point though? It's obvious from your posts that you do not love him. What do you get out of this marriage?


Security! She already said he's a good provider!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Care to tell me how I am the lucky one for my h wanting to put his p in my mouth? *I'm not getting anything from it *so how does it make me lucky?
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not saying your unusual, I apologize if it came across that way. It just seemed to me like she asked you if she could give you a bj, I asked my h before when all of this talk of bj's came up and he said that he had only been with 1 girl that had initiated bj's. All of the other ones wouldn't even do it except for foreplay. I just find a random bj out of the blue quite hard to believe and like I said above, I have known a lot of other women to feel the same way. I'm talking upwards of probably 30+ woman that feel it's just odd to give a bj out of the blue.....


You're not getting anything from it because you are looking at it from a child minded selfish point of view. I think the women here would agree that when they give their H a BJ what they get is the satisfaction and pleasure, yes pleasure, of giving someone they care about an intensely good feeling. I can understand how you would not get that out of it because you are the only one you care about.

Please don't let your H see this website or any similar site or he will find out that millions and millions of women love getting AND giving oral. I can't speak for your circle of friends but they do not represent the majority of women.

I think I also speak for most guys here when I say that if I was made to wear a condom and pull out prior to finishing I wouldn't bother. I can masturbate alone and I don't need a condom and the sink isn't afraid I'll get some on it.

Do you really have no desire to see your H eyes roll back and shudder with pleasure and know that you did that? What manner of creature are you? Can you actually be that self absorbed. You have generously decided to meet your H "half way" by giving him a HJ once a month. Half way to where, hell?

You would rather have a plasticized copolymer in your mouth than the warmth of your H, the love of your life? And as for the bodily fluids, do you eat meat? Do you know that meat has blood in it and lymph fluids. Do you know blood has all of the waste materials that are carried out of the cells and filtered in the kidneys? Did you know urine comes from the blood? And you're worried about a little semen in your mouth? Are you kidding with the body fluids already? Have you ever thought of getting over yourself? I already know the answer to all of my questions...what's in it for you! Wrong answer.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I already have, a bj with a flavored condom and stopping before he cums is better than nothing and he agrees. * I think he knows as well as I that most women don't like to do the act* since he only had 1 out of all the others he dated do it.


LMAO! You are so wrong on this one. No, most women do not feel this way. The handful YOU know, maybe. But not MOST women. :rofl:


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

I want to see a video of day-31 in the "as-yet-HJ-or-BJ-less" month and H comes a-calling for his due. I can only imagine the eye-rolling and sighing he'll have to face.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Again, your opinion. Not the opinions of... well, any woman I personally know lol. They don't have an aversion to their husbands/boyfriends' semen. And I know more than 30 women who feel the same way I do. Well, add 2-3 more because of those you know who agree with me. Frankly, I think you are ridiculous in how you have presented your circumstances here, and in how you have treated your husband. I feel sorry for him. Well, sort of. I feel sorry that he doesn't think he can do better.


And going along with all of this, it has been my experience that most women prefer sex without condoms, and the man finishing inside. My wife has gone so far as to say she'd rather not have sex with me than use a condom, though there are times where she is just in the mood for the visual and feeling of me finishing in various other locations in and on her body.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I love him, I really do. I don't want to leave him but I just think he needs to understand that I don't like to do those things and if he can't accept that then he should find someone that is okay with it.

I feel bad because the last time I have him an hj he took FOREVER to get there and got upset when I jerked him on his own stomach. I didn't want it getting all over me and the bedsheets. When he asked why I don't like doing it I told him another reason is he takes to long to get to climax.

Like I said, he has mentioned that only 1 other person he has been with openly did this stuff for him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> When he asked why I don't like doing it I told him another reason is he takes to long to get to climax.


The time he takes is a direct reflection on your skill. Basically, you're not very good at sex, so he has to climax through his own will and imagination. 

With regular sex I can go on and on for 20 minutes or more. But my wife can get me off with a bj in under 5. That's because she's good at it. With a HJ, my wife could go on for hours and never get me there....because she's really bad at it.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Well I do feel bad because the last time I gave him an hj he mentioned how I was rolling my eyes, sighing, and asking him if he was almost done.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

changedbeliefs said:


> I want to see a video of day-31 in the "as-yet-HJ-or-BJ-less" month and H comes a-calling for his due. I can only imagine the *eye-rolling and sighing *he'll have to face.





dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well I do feel bad because the last time I gave him an hj he mentioned *how I was rolling my eyes, sighing, *and asking him if he was almost done.


jesus tapdancing christ on a popsicle stick..... I even got the order right!

hang on, my arm hurts trying to pat myself on the back.....wait....*ack*......THERE......got it!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Takes too long? Try something new. New pressure, new lube. Do something more than just grab and pull. Seriously, if you do the same things over and over and over again, it gets old. Fast. Speaking of fast... try different speeds. Damn. It's not about YOU. It's about giving HIM pleasure.

You know what? I don't like the texture, nor the taste, either. My husband's is bitter. Always has been, no matter what we have tried. Yet, if he is cleaned (as in showered/washed thoroughly), I will happily do this for him. Why? Because I love him. No way would I EVER suggest a condom for a bj or hj. Again, it's ridiculous. If you get any in your mouth, have a drink nearby to chase it. It really isn't a difficult concept.

I'm just... ugh! I really cannot understand women treating their husbands this way... and vice versa.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Is this for real????? The things the OP says sounds so juvenile.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well I do feel bad because the last time I gave him an hj he mentioned how I was rolling my eyes, sighing, and asking him if he was almost done.


Wow, you really take all the seductive, sexy and fun out of sex.

Do you enjoy sex at all? Do you enjoy anything about sex?


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Why? Because I don't like the texture and taste of semen?....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Someone get OP's husband a Klondike bar.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

And yes I do enjoy sex very much.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Why? Because I don't like the texture and taste of semen?....


No, because of everything you have posted. He doesn't cum "right". Punish him because he hates condoms. Assuming that all, or most women believe as you do. You claim to be... 28? Or 30? Can't remember if you are older than your husband. You claim that only younger couples do the fun stuff, that you're too old to be doing different sexual acts. You know what? I am starting to suspect that you're too YOUNG to be having ANY sex. Mommy and daddy need to get parental controls on the computer, I think.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I'm 30 and he is 28. I shouldn't be criticized for my views on sex....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm 30 and he is 28. I shouldn't be criticized for my views on sex....


You also shouldn't assume that everyone believes as you do.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I'm just going off of what I know from individuals that I know, have known, or met.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What is your religion and culture? Where do you live?

You must never roll your eyes at your husband again. Do you hear me? 

I suspect you are aspergers or something else. Your honesty is great but you don't seem to understand how hurtful you are to him.

Have you been diagnosed with any learning disabilities? That is not a jab.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I have not been diagnosed with anything, no family history of anything either. We are Christian.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

In the US?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Being surrounded by dysfunction does make it very difficult to overcome dysfunction.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Yes in Michigan


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Yes in Michigan


Hey, so am I! Born and raised.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Like I said, he has mentioned that only 1 other person he has been with openly did this stuff for him.


So? This goes more to him thinking it is normal, than proving ANYTHING you keep trying to state.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Someone get OP's husband a Klondike bar.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



samyeagar said:


> Being surrounded by dysfunction does make it very difficult to overcome dysfunction.


Sam, on this one, I hope you are not taking a jab at her being a Christian as the dysfunction you mean. Not all of us feel as she does on this subject... even us Christians in Michigan.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I'm born and raised here too! Niles area to be exact.

Well yes he thinks it's normal because all of his previous partners didn't do it except for 1.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well I do feel bad because the last time I gave him an hj he mentioned how I was rolling my eyes, sighing, and asking him if he was almost done.





norajane said:


> Wow, you really take all the seductive, sexy and fun out of sex.
> 
> Do you enjoy sex at all? Do you enjoy anything about sex?





dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Why? Because I don't like the texture and taste of semen?....


No, because of the eye-rolling, sighing, and asking if he's done. There is nothing seductive, sexy or fun about getting a handjob from someone who behaves the way you do. 

Not one man in the world would be turned on by your behavior. That kind of behavior is more likely to make it very difficult for them to orgasm, if they can even keep up an erection through it. So your behavior had the opposite effect - you wanted him to cum sooner, but instead, it took him much longer.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm 30 and he is 28. I shouldn't be criticized for my views on sex....


If senators and presidents can be harangued for their sexual beliefs, you can be criticized as well.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm born and raised here too! Niles area to be exact.
> 
> Well yes he thinks it's normal because all of his previous partners didn't do it except for 1.


Niles, eh? Not too far from where I am. Well, closer to my sister, and I have friends in Niles as well. But I grew up on the other side of the state, up north.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well yes he thinks it's normal because all of his previous partners didn't do it except for 1.


I can go get you some unbiased studies, people surround themselves with like minded people which makes your conclusions biased and random, that show you and your friends are in the minority.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Sam, on this one, I hope you are not taking a jab at her being a Christian as the dysfunction you mean. Not all of us feel as she does on this subject... even us Christians in Michigan.


Not at all...in fact, christianity as a factor in this hadn't even crossed my mind. I think we can agree that her views of sex, and her relationship with her husband, and her self centered behaviour is dysfunctional, and by her own admission, she is surrounded by people of similar mindset.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

So you honestly feel that most women enjoy giving bj's/hj's, and their partner's semen?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I guess that's yours


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> So you honestly feel that most women enjoy giving bj's/hj's, and their partner's semen?
> 
> Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I guess that's yours


Yes.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Well apparently my husband is pretty messed up as well. I do recall earlier in a relationship when we were dating he mentioned women that swallowed or ****ty and is mine....


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

****ty in his mind, stupid spell check


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> ****ty in his mind, stupid spell check


Just so I have this right...he felt that women who swallowed were slvtty in his mind?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm just going off of what I know from individuals that I know, have known, or met.


I find it strange that someone would have asked at least 30 of her female friends if they like to give BJs. How does this topic come up with that many of your interactions?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I also told him I was going to file for d if things couldn't change.


Sounds like you scared him into submission with the divorce threat.

He doesn't sound like he's got too much in the way of balls.

I guess that's good for you then.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> So you honestly feel that most women enjoy giving bj's/hj's, and their partner's semen?
> 
> Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I guess that's yours


I believe most women do. I'm not saying they all like swallowing the semen. But they certainly don't have all the restrictions you have placed on your husband. As far as women being slvtty, I guess I'm a slvt. But only with my husband, so that's allowed. He's the only man I have ever given a bj.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

He's got balls, he just figures why leave it it won't be any different with the next woman. He has told me he knows this is normal based on past experiences and us. He figured the 1 girl that liked to do other stuff including hj/bj was a nymph.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You and your husband are both missing out on the JOY of sex.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

And you are both wrong on that count.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm born and raised here too! Niles area to be exact.
> 
> Well yes he thinks it's normal because all of his previous partners didn't do it except for 1.


OMG! Super close to Cassopolis, Edwardsburg, etc. I know exactly where Niles is.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He's got balls, he just figures why leave it it won't be any different with the next woman. He has told me he knows this is normal based on past experiences and us. He figured the 1 girl that liked to do other stuff including hj/bj was a nymph.


And it's quite possible that HE wouldn't find any different. Peoples mindsets often lead them to find what they assume they will find, and if it is his belief that women who like giving bj's and hj's are slvts, then he likely would not find a woman who does because they would not tolerate his shaming mindset.

Healthy women with healthy libidos tend to enjoy the full range of sexual activity and pleasure at least as much as men do.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> I find it strange that someone would have asked at least 30 of her female friends if they like to give BJs. How does this topic come up with that many of your interactions?


We are on the same page. I dated a woman like this, not sexually, who would find a certain number of people, who agreed with her, to tell me something I believed was wrong.
It usually went "OMG, my boyfriend said........" Basically, you denigrate the person or make their belief sound so outrageous they agree with your assessment.

She's currently doing this to people in this thread. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she did this in front of him as a shaming tactic. My former girlfriend would do this, until I had enough.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I just don't even know what to say. If he thinks women who want to give BJs are nympho he has issues of his own. Maybe he is smart to stay with you. Maybe he really can't do any better and if he did, feels like there's something "wrong" with the woman. I can't imagine thinking, "hey this girl wants to blow me....must be a slvt." That's just a sad way to think about someone who wants to give you the incredible gift of acceptance and desire. Hateful really.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I believe most women do. I'm not saying they all like swallowing the semen. But they certainly don't have all the restrictions you have placed on your husband. As far as women being slvtty, I guess I'm a slvt. But only with my husband, so that's allowed. He's the only man I have ever given a bj.


And we husbands with wives like you truly love and adore our slvt wives. :smthumbup:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I Don't Know said:


> I just don't even know what to say. If he thinks women who want to give BJs are nympho he has issues of his own. Maybe he is smart to stay with you. Maybe he really can't do any better and if he did, feels like there's something "wrong" with the woman. I can't imagine thinking, "hey this girl wants to blow me....must be a slvt."


His requests and actions, to me, means he is questioning this belief. He went to his friends and brought it to her, he is changing.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm 50, raised conservative Christian. My experience with this is not consistent with the OP's.


Your husband would likely date younger than you and find that a large number of girls will gladly go down on him and swallow. Not wanting to get pregnant has made oral even more popular than in the past.

You can put money on that.

He will remember you as a controlling prude and I'm sure tell all of his friends. Your future chances of a mate will be reduced.

Do I think you should do things you do not like to do? 

No.

do I think that you should give them more of a chance and see if you can learn to like them? 

Yes.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> His requests and actions, to me, means he is questioning this belief. He went to his friends and brought it to her, he is changing.


I hope he is. It's like seeing a falcon raised to believe it's a penguin. I mean the no flying part not the swimming part that would just be ridiculous.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm not sure that he would be completely honest with her about what he thinks regarding sex.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I tried to come onto him last night and he said he felt uncomfortable at the thought of sex with me. That offended and hurt me. He said my rejections for the last 2 months have killed his desire and he doesn't even find himself wanting sex. We spoke about it but gor nowhere.

There's your answer


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I tried to come onto him last night and he said he felt uncomfortable at the thought of sex with me. That offended and hurt me. He said my rejections for the last 2 months have killed his desire and he doesn't even find himself wanting sex. We spoke about it but gor nowhere.
> 
> There's your answer


Sounds like you got what you wanted. He's not going to do the things you don't want him to do. One should be careful in what they ask for...they may get it in ways that never thought they would...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I tried to come onto him last night and he said he felt uncomfortable at the thought of sex with me. That offended and hurt me. He said my rejections for the last 2 months have killed his desire and he doesn't even find himself wanting sex. We spoke about it but gor nowhere.
> 
> There's your answer


You were offended? WOW. I thought the "narcissist" post, a few pages back, was a tad over the top. Nope, not anymore. I'll have to go back and like that post.



I Don't Know said:


> I hope he is. It's like seeing a falcon raised to believe it's a penguin. I mean the no flying part not the swimming part that would just be ridiculous.





clipclop2 said:


> I'm not sure that he would be completely honest with her about what he thinks regarding sex.


I think he is learning as evidenced by her newest post.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

A very clumsy boy ran across an evil genie in a lamp one day who granted him one wish. The boy wished that he would never trip and fall again, so with a wave of his hand, the evil genie cut off both of his legs...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I tried to come onto him last night and he said he felt uncomfortable at the thought of sex with me. That offended and hurt me. He said my rejections for the last 2 months have killed his desire *FOR ME* and he doesn't even find himself wanting sex *WITH ME*. We spoke about it but got nowhere.
> 
> There's your answer


Fixed it for you.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I tried to come onto him last night and he said he felt uncomfortable at the thought of sex with me. That offended and hurt me. He said my rejections for the last 2 months have killed his desire and he doesn't even find himself wanting sex. We spoke about it but gor nowhere.
> 
> There's your answer


I'm going to try a different approach here. I admit I'm finding it difficult to be nice.

First, I'm female and I'm the high drive partner (self admitted semi-nympho and damn proud of it). I don't like the texture, taste or feel of semen either BUT have never denied my husband ever. Never use a condom for HJ or BJ either. Don't need to use condoms for PIV anymore (traditional tubal).

When you deny your partner you create the situation you are in now, marriage is about give and take not take and take.

I find it rather illogical to state you like sex but have such a rigid view of it. Is it self conscious, self esteem? Do you not feel you can let go of control? Sex is the ultimate letting go of self control, a scary concept for people who have difficulties letting go of self control. It is also the ultimate act of complete emotional vulnerability. Also very scary for those who have difficulties with being vulnerable to others.

Honestly, both of you should seek a sex therapist and you need individual counseling to figure out what is keeping you from being emotionally vulnerable to your husband. Were you cheated on? Are you a CSA victim (I say victim, not survivor because you are displaying very classic mind set of a victim of CSA and survivor mind set - yes there is a difference). What was your home life like growing up? Affectionate parents? Or were they more private about it? There is some massive emotional damage that I see in your posts. You are angry and may not even realize or know why you are.

In the end, regardless of taking suggestion of counselling or not (your choice, no one can force you) if you keep treating your husband like he is a dirty gross thing you will find yourself alone and going through a divorce eventually. Everyone has their breaking point and it will come sooner rather than later.

You may not feel you are treating him like that but your words and actions make him feel just like that. It is a very painful thing to have a partner reject you wouldn't you agree?

He is getting to his breaking point, you need to pull up your socks and figure this out or risk losing your marriage.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I tried to come onto him last night and he said he felt uncomfortable at the thought of sex with me. *That offended and hurt me. * He said my rejections for the last 2 months have killed his desire and he doesn't even find himself wanting sex. We spoke about it but gor nowhere.
> 
> There's your answer


Why? You finally got what you wanted. A sexless relationship. Now you don't have to get his "disgusting" penis anywhere near your body!


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

My parents were great raising me. A very loving family and we all are very open and comfortable with each other. No siblings at all, I guess you could say I'm very self conscious. I just feel unattractive even though he always tells me I'm beautiful, writes me poems, brings and sends me flowers at work. He is a very loving and generous man. I know I have hurt him badly and deeply with my EA in the past, and rejection. We have went to MC and I have went to IC. The therapists literally told us to get past it and told him to get over the EA and never bring it up to me again. We went to another one and they said the same thing. Therapists are complete crap in our area.

I used to wear sexy outfits for him but just don't feel attractive enough. He tells me to wear he stuff because he likes it but I feel horrible even thinking about it. I a 5'3" and 125lbs for those that want to know.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

This doesn't seem real to me. How does a marriage even make it this long with her attitude. I don't know any guy who would put up with such selfishness. Sex is about mutual satisfaction. Period. I've never heard of a woman not being comfortable with a man cumming inside of her. That's just weird. Maybe in the A, but not in the V. Go on the pill or get an IUD. You're not being reasonable. Keep this up, and you will lose him.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> My parents were great raising me. A very loving family and we all are very open and comfortable with each other. No siblings at all, I guess you could say I'm very self conscious. I just feel unattractive even though he always tells me I'm beautiful, writes me poems, brings and sends me flowers at work. He is a very loving and generous man. I know I have hurt him badly and deeply with my EA in the past, and rejection. We have went to MC and I have went to IC. The therapists literally told us to get past it and told him to get over the EA and never bring it up to me again. We went to another one and they said the same thing. Therapists are complete crap in our area.
> 
> I used to wear sexy outfits for him but just don't feel attractive enough. He tells me to wear he stuff because he likes it but I feel horrible even thinking about it. I a 5'3" and 125lbs for those that want to know.


Self conscious. There in lies your problem. In the eyes of your husband you are the hottest thing since sliced bread. In your eyes, you aren't.

At 5'6" and 125 you are in good shape for 30. I think you need to work on self image issues, you are projecting them onto your husband. Believe him when he tells you that you are beautiful and sexy. I implore you to trying again with a therapist both individual and couples. Work on sexual relationship and communication first.

You are right, the therapists you had sucked for the EA, you both rug swept it. Do you think you have guilt issues from the EA and feel you don't deserve a deep, emotional sexual relationship with your husband? Are you sabotaging your marriage because of it? Projecting your self hatred onto him?

(I'm a BS by the way, husband had an online EA and he beats the crap out of himself emotionally every day for what he did and that guilt leaks into exactly the same area of our relationship, sex. Even years later, he used to be high drive, he has so much guilt it has driven him to being low drive).


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Tommy518 said:


> This doesn't seem real to me. How does a marriage even make it this long with her attitude. I don't know any guy who would put up with such selfishness. Sex is about mutual satisfaction. Period. I've never heard of a woman not being comfortable with a man cumming inside of her. That's just weird. Maybe in the A, but not in the V. Go on the pill or get an IUD. You're not being reasonable. Keep this up, and you will lose him.


You would be AMAZED at the stuff people will put up with lol. I know a few guys who would.

But sounds like th OPS husband is done trying. Maybe he is sandbagging prepping his departure.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

well you're right about your therapist. They are crap.

but then your treatment of your husband has been crap. what are you going to do about it?

So what you feel self-conscious. Haha. You're also very selfish. everything has to be your way. I don't think that's very nice to you? s*** would you stay with you? 

your parents raised a very selfish self centered person. does your dad know the way you treat your husband? 

you need not realize this but it takes about 10 minutes for a guy to pick up a girl for sex on the Internet. your husband is a good guy but even good guys reach a breaking point.

and I doubt seriously he's going to give you warning before he does it. then what could have been a wonderful man turns into a ball. & a marriage that could have been terrific go straight to hell. 

what did your individual therapist have to say to you? 

I'm really kind of blown away that you said you had a loving and supportive background. something about you doesn't seem right. the last post is the only one where you seem to understand the hurt that you put on your husband. The vast majority of them are very cold. 

what kind of denomination are you ? have you ever checked out focused on the family? 

you have a lot to make up for. and if your husband is truly losing his attraction to you you could be in for a bumpy ride. because losing attraction for you doesn't mean losing attraction for other women. 

do you realize that you could destroy him? you could literally be the worst thing that ever happened to him in his entire life. if he doesn't handle this right he could end up the cheater and that he will remain for the rest of his life even if he never does it again. And since you are already a cheater maybe you have a problem with him being a good man. it has to suck for you that's the worst thing he's done is ask his wife for sex like any other married man.

if you love him then act like it. 

you may fool someone else into marrying you but your marriage will end up the same. While your husband will marry someone else and probably go on to be quite happy. 

are you willing to see a sex therapist and straighten your act out? because remember you were the one who cheated. You were the one who controls sex. You were the one who feels bad about yourself. You are the one who rolled your eyes at your husband. You are the one who is disrespectful and demanding and controlling and rude. 

again I have a really tough time believing that you were raised in a loving and supportive environment. but if you were then I suspect that you have a personality issue or as I suggested earlier are Aspergers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Something isn't right about this. It feels like we're being played.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I tried to come onto him last night and he said he felt uncomfortable at the thought of sex with me. That offended and hurt me. He said my rejections for the last 2 months have killed his desire and he doesn't even find himself wanting sex. We spoke about it but gor nowhere.
> 
> There's your answer


Why would you be offended and hurt? You have been "disciplining" him for 2 months. He got comfortable in his time-out corner. Now you suddenly want it and are hurt that he would rather not give it to you? 

You wanted a divorce. He may soon be granting all your wishes - no more disgusting sex and a divorce. You should be very happy!


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I feel like Michael Corleone. Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in....


OP your husband is becoming detached. Read my words of warning again. 

Oh and my personal experience is (since college) the women in my life were glad to do it. One girl once told me "I don't do that" so I got up and left. See I have a self selecting data set too.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

this place is pretty close minded if it can't understand that there are people who are actually freaked out by bodily fluids. 

I'm kind of disappointed in TAM when people who could really use some help are called trolls. This girl needs our help. Her marriage needs our help. 

if it's outside of your ability to accept then stop contributing and leave it to other people have a little bit more tolerance. 

I'm not going to coddle her but I think that this is salvageable. 

she's been brave enough to come back and continue to talk to us. How about those of you who want to call her a troll or can't believe it back off and see if others can help her. 

remember this isn't about you. this is about her and her husband. 

if you really feel sorry for her husband and try to help. And you think that this is bull then back off. I don't mind being made a fool of. if there's a hope that we can help these kids then I would really like to do that.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> this place is pretty close minded if it can't understand that there are people who are actually freaked out by bodily fluids.
> 
> I'm kind of disappointed in TAM when people who could really use some help are called trolls. This girl needs our help. Her marriage needs our help.
> 
> ...


Thank you, 17 pages and people still think I'm a troll, I too agree that it's pretty sad if a lot of these people really think there is nobody out there besides me that cannot stand semen in any way. Wait, that wouldn't even be me, it must be nobody since I'm a troll......

Ridiculous....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

there are definitely a lot of people like you. Do you have other germ phobias? 

darling your marriage is not going to make it if you keep behaving the way you are. 

do you see that?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I can believe, and even accept, that there are people who get freaked out about body fluids. What I question is WHY, if she has always been so freaked out by them, would she put herself into a position where it would, at some point, be expected that she would accept them? In other words, why did she marry someone who so obviously wanted sex... and to exchange bodily fluids? Also, I have a big problem with people saying that we cannot be right because the few she knows and has spoken with say she is right... even when faced with the fact that even more disagree with her stance. But we are obviously lying. She and her few friends OBVIOUSLY cannot be wrong. 
Bottom line: if she wants help, I will try to help her. But if she's going to just continue treating her husband like scum because he has the audacity to want sex the way HE likes it, for a change, then no, I won't help her treat him that way. I am not OK with that. And, if she is a Christian, she certainly knows better than to treat anyone, especially her husband, that way.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Love you Maricha!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> there are definitely a lot of people like you. Do you have other germ phobias?
> 
> darling your marriage is not going to make it if you keep behaving the way you are.
> 
> do you see that?


:iagree:
There comes a point where he will just quit or find it somewhere else though he has issues.:scratchhead:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Thank you, 17 pages and people still think I'm a troll, I too agree that it's pretty sad if a lot of these people really think there is nobody out there besides me that cannot stand semen in any way. Wait, that wouldn't even be me, it must be nobody since I'm a troll......
> 
> Ridiculous....


There are many more people responding to you legitimately, than the three or four posters screaming "troll." People have been offering you legit advice, but you have chosen to "poo poo" it, add your own caveats and getting upset that people don't agree with your assessment.I tend to like clipclop's posts, but occasionally she is really good at cherry picking. This is one of those times. IMO, TAM isn't close minded about "gross bodily fluids" CC2 has removed context to make a point. I actually understand the BJ/fluid thing as my wife is this way. I would have commented on it, but you provided all of this other context.
He can't Ejaculate:
On the bed.
On the sheets.
On you.
On the covers.
Near you.
In you.

All predicated by pulling out even with a condom on. My wife won't swallow. Everything else on that list has happened. If she cares, she NEVER shows it to me.

When he asks for something as simple as a hand job, you have implied you feel unsafe, you threatened him with divorce and have told us he must respect your decision. At that point, the "bodily fluids are disgusting", became superfluous to me because of how you emasculated your husband. Guess what? Alpha/Beta my rear end, Men, yes even super Alphas, HATE rejection. They hate sexual rejection even more. 

It's what people have been trying to explain, but you haven't grasped. He rejected you because he's been so beaten down he doesn't believe you meant it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> There are many more people responding to you legitimately, than the three or four posters screaming "troll." People have been offering you legit advice, but you have chosen to "poo poo" it, add your own caveats and getting upset that people don't agree with your assessment.I tend to like clipclop's posts, but occasionally she is really good at cherry picking. This is one of those times. IMO, TAM isn't close minded about "gross bodily fluids" CC2 has removed context to make a point. I actually understand the BJ/fluid thing as my wife is this way. I would have commented on it, but you provided all of this other context.
> He can't Ejaculate:
> On the bed.
> On the sheets.
> ...


:iagree:
When your husband gets to the point of apathy well you won.
Don't worry about any fluids cause well you fixed that.
Be careful what you wish for...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She's still listening. I think she is willing to hear. It just isn't easy for her.

But the people crying troll make it harder.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Well we both have needs, he's a guy so I know he has needs and if he's not getting them met from me he's either masturbating or cheating. I have needs as well, I just want to get him to want to have sex with me again. Maybe d is the best action.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

D is probably the best action. I doubt he'll trust you again because you're not really trust worthy with his feelings.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Ok, let's just stop the idea that he will never trust her again. There are men here whose wives have cheated and yet they stay together.

It ain't over till it's over.

Are you willing to consider that your aversion to him, what he produces, how he can give you an adorable beautiful child, his fluid is not disgusting? It is from him. 

Please folks who don't want to help or are too pissed off at your own spouse, take it out on them like real men instead of passive aggressive jerks who need to beat up on people who have never done you wrong. IOW, she isn't the one depriving YOU of sex.

If she wants help some of us are willing to talk to her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well we both have needs, he's a guy so I know he has needs and if he's not getting them met from me he's either masturbating or cheating. I have needs as well, I just want to get him to want to have sex with me again. Maybe d is the best action.


See this smacks of entitlement. This entire thread is about you you you. It really needs to stop. You want sex, but you want it your way. Do you really believe that compromise is a one way street? By your own words, until recently, he has been meeting your needs which include aversion to bodily fluids. It's time you met his. You want to show some empathy? You set up a time for sexual therapy and marriage counseling ON YOUR OWN then invite him. PROVE, you want things to work.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I love oral sex, but what I'm saying is that I don't get any release from giving him oral or a hand job so why should I help him out like that? He learned way back when we were dating that I won't do that stuff unless I get something in return, that's why we don't do anything while on my period. .


That is one hell of a sh!tty attitude. So, does this attitude extend to all interactions in your life?. "I won't do anything for anybody unless I get something in return"? 

If I was one of your poor husbands friends I would tell him to divorce you. 

Seriously.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

When you truly love a person sometimes you do things for them to show them you love them without expecting anything in return. In fact, partners in loving healthy relationships do it all the time. And that extends to doing sexual favors for each other with no desire for reciprocation. 

I enjoy doing nice things for a woman I'm in a relationship with because it makes me feel good to make her feel good. I don't expect payment or tit-for-tat.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Ok, let's just stop the idea that he will never trust her again. There are men here whose wives have cheated and yet they stay together.
> 
> It ain't over till it's over.
> 
> ...


You're so noble.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I don't think anyone is opposed to helping this person but you cannot help someone who doesn't want/is unwilling to, change. What we are all saying is to try and convince the OP that her stance is wrong and unhealthy for a marriage. When statements such as "that ain't gonna happen" and "what's in it for me" and "he can just leave" and "maybe D is the best option" are issued then how can anyone here effect change?

If she came here with a SINCERE desire to fix this problem then there would not be such an attitude of inflexibility. A person desiring true change is willing to hear and accept advice and ideas from people who have lived through it. She is not contrite but rather defiant. CC's post said we should be more accepting and understanding to her plight but if she isn't how can we be. PB&S made good points but if they are dismissed as unacceptable then they are of no use.

We have been totally ineffective at pointing out to her that her stance on sex is way off the norm. She will simply not accept it and until she can we will be:banghead:. What will happen here will happen and with OP's rigid, unyielding stance we cannot help her and her H no matter how badly we want to.

She even posted that they agreed to meet half way to save the marriage but half way to where. She offered a BJ once a month, with a condom and with no ejaculation in her mouth even with a condom. How is that half way? Then she offers to finish him with her hand and is sighing and rolling eyes and asking how much longer. How is that half way? The way I see it, I hear "I'll meet you half way as long as it's all my half and if I do go a little your way I will let you know how bad it is and how much I dislike it the whole time I'm doing it until you finally say never mind and i don't have to do it anymore". I think her H heard that too as evidenced by his recent attitude toward her. I said in my last post that, if it were me, I would rather not bother with all of the rules and maybe he now feels the same. She is killing his feelings for her with her selfish, rigid stance.

Someone said that all males hate rejection and it's true and now OP is tasting it from her H and she doesn't like it either. He's been feeling this for years but she doesn't seem to care.

We all would like to help you D&C but you must really want to be helped and be willing to REALLY try and change. This however is contingent upon the fact that your H and marriage is worth fighting for in your eyes.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't have to worry about that, I was stupid several years ago and had an emotional affair and almost left him, yet he begged me to stay. He won't leave, trust me on that one.


You just keep telling yourself that honey.....


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

So I tried again to seduce him into sex and it failed. He was out in the shop all evening working on one of his cars and came in. He got in the shower with him and he said: "What are you doing?" I replied by saying I wanted to help him clean up and started kissing him. No response from him except "I'm tired, I just want to eat dinner and relax". He became aroused but when I tried to touch him he turned away and wanted nothing to do with me. I'm starting to think this might not be worth the effort.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm starting to think this might not be worth the effort.


I read this entire thread this morning.

My gut tells me he's thinking you might not be worth the effort.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> So I tried again to seduce him into sex and it failed. He was out in the shop all evening working on one of his cars and came in. He got in the shower with him and he said: "What are you doing?" I replied by saying I wanted to help him clean up and started kissing him. No response from him except "I'm tired, I just want to eat dinner and relax". He became aroused but when I tried to touch him he turned away and wanted nothing to do with me. I'm starting to think this might not be worth the effort.



Hand's up all those surprised by her husbands action.


Looks around............ Nope, no-one. 


YOU.NEED.HELP.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> So I tried again to seduce him into sex and it failed. He was out in the shop all evening working on one of his cars and came in. He got in the shower with him and he said: "What are you doing?" I replied by saying I wanted to help him clean up and started kissing him. No response from him except "I'm tired, I just want to eat dinner and relax". He became aroused but when I tried to touch him he turned away and wanted nothing to do with me. I'm starting to think this might not be worth the effort.



This is exactly how your husband feels. This is what's going through his head when your rolling your eyes at him, or getting mad because he wants to finish in you. 

I get you have your needs, but do you at least understand what he's going through? Do you get why he's detaching?


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I do get why he's detaching but I'm trying, I'm trying to initiate, I'm talking to him when he comes home about his day, making him dinner, and trying to be sexy.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You don't get it. You are still trying to apply a band aid to a bullet wound. 

You are going to have to swallow your pride, apologize for your lousy behavior, and hope he accepts it.

Then you have to be prepared to start compromising with him.

Failure to do any of these things will most certainly result in his rejection of you continuing.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

LOL. Two failed half a$$ed attempts and it might not be worth it! OP you crack me up. But one more time. Think about what he is giving up by rejecting. Sex with a condom with a pull out ending. That's not exactly the most tempting of offers. 

And really, TWO ATTEMPTS and you're ready to give up?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm trying to initiate, trying to be sexy.



Why? And why would he bother when he knows it'll just end in "Ewwwwww, icky! Can you just be done already!"

Until you change the fundamental unaddressed issue (the jiz), he will continue to change, away from you. He's had enough of who you are, unless you work on being a better person than you are now, you won't have to worry about his 'mess' for much longer. 

Either seek therapy for your issues, or just let him go.

18 pages in and you still don't get it.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Honey, you really screwed the pooch...so to speak. You have insulted the very heart of his manhood.

You need to get down on your knees and BEG for forgiveness...for the "punishment", for your over-reation to what is a natural thing (seman, finishing in you), promise to find a more suitable form of BC and while you are down there.....give him the best BJ he's ever had from you...practice makes perfect. I didn't always like it either and today. I can suck start a leaf blower (with apologies to True Lies).....


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Just so I have this right...he felt that women who swallowed were slvtty in his mind?


Except for the ones on the Bukakke sites he visits...


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I have apologized to him and told him I'm sorry. I also told him I'm willing to allow him to finish in me as long as we use condoms though. He said he didn't really say anything in reply though.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I have apologized to him and told him I'm sorry. I also told him I'm willing to allow him to finish in me as long as we use condoms though. He said he didn't really say anything in reply though.


In his mind? 

"Not good enough."

"Still all about her."

"I don't need this or her."

"She is just not that into me."

"I bet she is more into her former EA partner than me."

"I wonder if she would have let him do these things had it gone physical."

You are still only at a 90/10 compromise in your favor.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Dazed, I hate saying it, but it may be a case of "too little, too late". You withheld for two months, punishing him fir not having sex your way, and yours alone. If you really want to turn this around, you will have to talk to him about it. You will have to ask what HE wants. And, if he wants sex without a condom sometimes, or even most of the time, you will have to look at alternatives to the condoms. Tell him you want to work on this, and MEAN it. He will be able to tell if you don't mean it. Get counseling. Honestly, I think you both could benefit from it, assuming he is exactly as you describe. Don't get in a huff about that. We all skew things from our on perspectives, but the truth lies somewhere between your POV and his. I'm not talking just marriage counseling, but independent as well... for both of you. I'm not sure if Pathways has an office in Niles, but start there. They are very good.
Anyway, if you want to work on the marriage, you tell him you want to do this. Also, you need to discuss your EA and what that did to him. Actually, start there. Even if the therapist says get over it, you discuss it until you have truly worked through it.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I have apologized to him and told him I'm sorry. I also told him I'm willing to allow him to finish in me as long as we use condoms though. He said he didn't really say anything in reply though.


Have you not read a thing posted to you?

Condoms are not for married couples unless it's a medical necessitity.

Get your behind to an OBGyn and get something better and more reliable. Get over your issues with body fluids too. What will happen if you ever do become a mother? Children pee, poop and throw up all over their parents.

You have hurt him terribly. Why you don't get this is beyond me. You say you are a Christian....look up in the Bible what it says about the marriage bed.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Dazed, I hate saying it, but it may be a case of "too little, too late". You withheld for two months, punishing him fir not having sex your way, and yours alone. If you really want to turn this around, you will have to talk to him about it. You will have to ask what HE wants. And, if he wants sex without a condom sometimes, or even most of the time, you will have to look at alternatives to the condoms. Tell him you want to work on this, and MEAN it. He will be able to tell if you don't mean it. Get counseling. Honestly, I think you both could benefit from it, assuming he is exactly as you describe. Don't get in a huff about that. We all skew things from our on perspectives, but the truth lies somewhere between your POV and his. I'm not talking just marriage counseling, but independent as well... for both of you. I'm not sure if Pathways has an office in Niles, but start there. They are very good.
> Anyway, if you want to work on the marriage, you tell him you want to do this. Also, you need to discuss your EA and what that did to him. Actually, start there. Even if the therapist says get over it, you discuss it until you have truly worked through it.


We have talked about the EA and I learned to listen to him when he wants to talk about it and ask questions. I didn't do that before and realized I was causing FAR more damage than I was doing good by ignoring it. He told me he needed to heal by talking about it so I did and we still do. I don't get angry, we just have a normal conversation and I answer anything he asks about it very openly. I am willing to give a bj without a condom but will not let him finish in my mouth and I still don't think that I will do it outside of foreplay leading into sex. He never does anything for me outside of foreplay anymore either. I enjoy oral sex just as much as he does so this isn't 1 sided.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Also I have considered other alternatives to condoms but just feel it is better to have the extra barrier of protection. I am going to get to my OBGYN and get something but using a condom helps reduce the risk of getting pregnant that much more. I've had friends using other alternatives get pregnant.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Post 1: 


dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He has mentioned me helping him either with my hand or orally but I don't see the point in that as I get nothing from it.


Post 29:


dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I do not like to give handjobs, blowjobs for those of you asking. It's sticky and just gross...


Post 37:


dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Before anyone asks, yes we used to have oral sex and play with each other before we were married, but that was years ago when we were younger. He is now 28 and I am 30 so I think we are past that young age of playing.


Post 39:


dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He has asked me if I would "finish him off" either with my mouth or hands. He knows this will not happen due to the sheer fact that I cannot stand having cum on me, let alone in my mouth. He has never finished in my mouth and never will, sorry but that's not a possibility.
> 
> Another reason I don't like BJs is that my jaw starts to ache after a while. I gave him 1 BJ when we first started dating and it was terrible. My jaw was so sore I didn't even want to talk. He felt bad and I told him that was the last time he would get one of those so I hope he enjoyed it. I would still give him some oral pleasure during foreplay but only 20-30 seconds to get him warmed up to get inside of me. That wasn't good enough for him so I stopped all together...



And then:


Post 271:


dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I enjoy oral sex just as much as he does so this isn't 1 sided.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

DayOne said:


> Post 1:
> 
> 
> Post 29:
> ...


I enjoy receiving oral sex is what I mean.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I enjoy receiving oral sex is what I mean.



With Saran Wrap? Because it's so gross?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I enjoy receiving oral sex is what I mean.


Does he does it thru saran wrap?

Because if he doesn't he is touching your fluids....and you don't appear to have an issue with that.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Also I have considered other alternatives to condoms but just feel it is better to have the extra barrier of protection. I am going to get to my OBGYN and get something but using a condom helps reduce the risk of getting pregnant that much more. I've had friends using other alternatives get pregnant.



What's your fear of pregnancy? your married, there's no stigma in an 'oops'. Most birth control failures is due to user error.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

No he did not use anything while giving me oral sex. I already said I would give him a bj during foreplay without a condom, just not out of the blue and will not let him finish in my mouth....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Also I have considered other alternatives to condoms but just feel it is better to have the extra barrier of protection. I am going to get to my OBGYN and get something but using a condom helps reduce the risk of getting pregnant that much more. I've had friends using other alternatives get pregnant.


If you use other methods, such as oral contraceptives, the condom is unnecessary. It doesn't give any added protection, providing you take your pills as directed. The only reason I could see for condoms in conjunction with other forms is if you have had weight loss surgery and need 2 forms of birth control... IN THAT FIRST YEAR. Other than that, no. There is no need for them. It's just one more method to control his orgasms.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

As for the BJs during foreplay... Sorry, but that's not the same thing. That is foreplay, not a BJ. 20-30 seconds just to get him ready to put it inside you? That's not a BJ. A BJ is all about giving HIM pleasure, not getting him ready to give YOU pleasure.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> No he did not use anything while giving me oral sex. *I already said I would give him a bj during foreplay without a condom*, just not out of the blue and will not let him finish in my mouth....


When did you say this? Everything else you have posted has STRESSED the imperative use of condoms!


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I just can't get into giving a bj outside of foreplay, I'm sorry...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I just can't get into giving a bj outside of foreplay, I'm sorry...


Again, if it's only a few seconds to get him ready to be inside you, it's NOT a BJ. Foreplay, yes. But not a BJ.


You don't have to be into it. It would be nice, for him, if you were. But you don't HAVE to be into BJs. However, if you're not going to give him real BJs, you should seriously relax your stipulations about his orgasms.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Again, if it's only a few seconds to get him ready to be inside you, it's NOT a BJ. Foreplay, yes. But not a BJ.
> 
> 
> You don't have to be into it. It would be nice, for him, if you were. But you don't HAVE to be into BJs. However, if you're not going to give him real BJs, you should seriously relax your stipulations about his orgasms.


Well do ALL women like to give bj's? I don't think so but I may be wrong.........


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well do ALL women like to give bj's? I don't think so but I may be wrong.........


Speaking for myself....Yes.

Because I know it gives him pleasure. And it does give me something more as well....him being turned on, in turn, turns me on even more.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> Speaking for myself....Yes.
> 
> Because I know it gives him pleasure. And it does give me something more as well....him being turned on, in turn, turns me on even more.


I just don't see ALL women enjoying giving a bj, I know that not ALL women do not. Many might as you all say, but just as many do not.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is frustrating...

THIS IS NOT ABOUT BJ'S!!!

Open your eyes OP! This is about you being concerned about your husband's needs only when it was either all your way or when you feel him detaching.

This is about your self centered attitude.

If you were willing to compromise in other areas I would be willing to bet your hubby could live without a BJ to completion. 

But you have made it clear that you only care about him when you feel like you are losing him. Now he is visiting upon you for two night what you have done to him for two months. 

How does it feel? Does it hurt? Does it make you question how you look? Do you feel unattractive?

Now imagine going through it for two months.

You have no empathy towards him. You only care for his needs when you have been hurt.
You have shown no humility. Your situation will not improve until you do show these things.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Here's an interesting survey. Christian survey on oral sex. 309 women and 759 married self identified Christians. ((Statistically speaking it's probably a good survey of that population, whatever they are). 

Results are:
A majority of women like performing oral
41% really like it
16% say it drives them wild

17% don't like it, but do it for him. 
24% think it's ok except for the ejaculation. 

http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2012/07/14/oral-sex-survey-says/

Food for thought.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I agree that you need to beg forgiveness but unless the rest of your attitude changes begging for forgiveness is going to only result in him getting more angry .

the amount that you have hurt him is substantial. He's not going to just get over it as you wish. 

I hope to god you are experiencing at least mild panic. it should be more than that but since your emotions tend to run on the low side mild panic would be better than nothing. 

you are going to lose your husband. 
get thee back into individual counseling and try to figure out what is wrong with you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Well do ALL women like to give bj's? I don't think so but I may be wrong.........


Let's try this again.

YOU. DO. NOT. HAVE. TO. LIKE. GIVING. BJS. * HOWEVER *. YOU. DO. HAVE. TO. STOP. TRYING. TO. DICTATE. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. HIS. ORGASMS.

Stop being so obtuse. Stop the act. I know you understand what we are saying. Stop playing dumb.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I was going to respond earlier but I was not sure you were for real. You have a very immature (like juvenile) level of understanding of sex and marriage. I do not believe you are close to being ready for marriage.

After your first post, I did not give your marriage any chance of success. I feel sorry for you but you have absolutely no understanding of sex in marriage. 

You need to go back to square one and learn to build a good foundation for future success. I do not know if you are going to be able to save your marriage. I am actually shocked that your husband put up with your ridiculous antics for as long as he did.

Being married takes the strength of a woman, you are still a child inside.

Maybe this could be a time for self reflection and growth. You should stay calm and not hate yourself. Life is a learning experience. Maybe your husband will stay to learn with you. He needs you to be open and vulnerable and not manipulative at all.

Best wishes.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Stop playing dumb.


I don't think she's playing at it...


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I enjoy receiving oral sex is what I mean.


Ah, well thanks for clarifying that. So it IS just all about you. Good to know.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



DayOne said:


> I don't think she's playing at it...


I'm trying to be nice!


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Condoms AND pulling out to make sure you don't get pregnant?

There's an even more foolproof way.

Never mind, I see you've arrived at that solution.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazed and confused
I'm sorry, but it isn't enough - that is what everyone is telling you. You need to do a LOT more after rejecting him for so long.

A reasonably opening move would be to give him a BJ to completion without a condom every day. If he recognizes how much you hate it, he will probably not ask you again after a few times, but it shows a willingness to do something for HIM. 


Now, you don't *need* to do this. He may never leave you, but just stay miserable out of loyalty. Or he may find some other women who does desire him. 




dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> We have talked about the EA and I learned to listen to him when he wants to talk about it and ask questions. I didn't do that before and realized I was causing FAR more damage than I was doing good by ignoring it. He told me he needed to heal by talking about it so I did and we still do. I don't get angry, we just have a normal conversation and I answer anything he asks about it very openly. I am willing to give a bj without a condom but will not let him finish in my mouth and I still don't think that I will do it outside of foreplay leading into sex. He never does anything for me outside of foreplay anymore either. I enjoy oral sex just as much as he does so this isn't 1 sided.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazedandconfused80
Not all women enjoy it. A great many though are happy to do it because THEY enjoy their partner's reaction.

The same way that I don't get physical pleasure from providing oral sex and my tongue gets tired. But - I love doing it for my wife because I so much enjoy her reaction to what I am doing. It isn't just a favor for her - I actively enjoy it because of the pleasure she gets.



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I just don't see ALL women enjoying giving a bj, I know that not ALL women do not. Many might as you all say, but just as many do not.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> So I tried again to seduce him into sex and it failed.


Next time you get in the shower with him, drop to your knees and suck him off, and as he ejaculates, let him get it all over your face.

The messier the better. Look up at him with love and enthusiasm as he splatters on you, and all will be well.

Don't worry the shower will wash it off fast enough and you won't suffer any long term damage.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: How can I get my husband to understand??...*



lenzi said:


> Next time you get in the shower with him, drop to your knees and suck him off, and as he ejaculates, let him get it all over your face.
> 
> The messier the better. Look up at him with love and enthusiasm as he splatters on you, and all will be well.
> 
> Don't worry the shower will wash it off fast enough and you won't suffer any long term damage.


Oddly enough, I agree with this... And the idea of cum on my face does NOT appeal to me. And, considering it doesn't appeal to me, I would totally do this if I could kneel long enough!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

By now she probably thinks we're Jerks. A circle of Jerks...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry for the long post, but you are still focused on you.

I do not like giving oral. I do not like it at all. Yep, I'm that guy who HATES giving oral. Put away your logical fallacy, I know my wife doesn't ejaculate like we men do, that's not the point. It's about a part of sex we, you and I, don't like and being a good spouse. Guess what? I have given her oral to orgasm whether it is short or long, whether I like the taste or not and my only criteria is she must have showered. 

It's called compromise, it's called doing something because you care/love someone and just doing it because it isn't always about your wants. This isn't about buying a car, a house, having kids or other extremely important life decisions. This is a simple sex act which WILL make your spouse completely happy. I bet money the condom BJ wouldn't be an issue if he was able to ejaculate inside of you, he'd take one over the other. The problem is, YOU excluded all forms of sexual release with specific one sided rules and he has finally refused to compromise. 

So, no, I do not understand your absolute refusal to compromise. This is not about sex in my eyes, you have made it a power struggle. He put up with it for a year and when he decides to put his foot down he gets threatened with divorce. A year is a long time to watch your spouse be disgusted and dismissive about your personal sexual needs. Then, in the last two months, he is put into sexual time out.

You were hurt when he rejected you and it is sad how you can't even FATHOM he felt the same way for:
01 Year.
12 months.
365 days.
8760 Hours.
525,600 minutes.
31,536,000 seconds.

You couldn't handle less than 24 hours. Empathy means your post should have read "OMG, he turned me down and it hurt bad. NOW I get it. I can't imagine what 2 months must of been like let alone an entire year." Instead you posted how he hurt you and what a meanie he was. Your world view is highly skewed. 

Oh and do us all a favor, quit focusing on the BJ ejaculation. I know many women who hate the taste of it and won't swallow. I'm talking about the totality of your actions. This includes your rules about intercourse, ejaculation, sex acts and the fact he was punished for having an orgasm inside of you.

Sorry, that boggles my mind.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Look D&C, the real root issue here is not what you feel or want because when you took those vows I turned into We. In a real marriage, if he hurts, she hurts and if she hurts, he hurts. Especially in a christian marriage because the Bible states flat out that "the two shall become one flesh".

Again from the Bible;*There is no greater love than that which would lay down his life for another.* In a foxhole, when comrades face the ravages of war and a grenade lands at their feet and one of them jumps on the grenade, what's in it for that person? Read the bolded part again for the answer.

Let's say that you and your H are out for the evening and a man comes up with a knife. Would your husband put himself between you and the knife? What's in it for him? Why would he do that? Because you mean more to him than his own life that's why. Would you do that for him? If not then maybe you should reevaluate your definition of love. Not that it will matter but let me give you my definition of love. Commitment to the point of sacrifice. 

The other poster was right, this isn't about BJs or finishing inside or condoms, this is about what your H means to you. What his happiness is worth to you. Seeing what you are willing to do for him and knowing what he is willing to do for you is what builds the intimacy in a marriage. It is something to experience and I am saddened that you may never feel that level of sacrifice and reward.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
First find out what he likes. Personally, ejaculating on my wife does nothing for me. We do it occasionally just for the variety. 

OTOH, finishing in her mouth is a strong fetish for me - I won't make any attempt to justify it. 



lenzi said:


> Next time you get in the shower with him, drop to your knees and suck him off, and as he ejaculates, let him get it all over your face.
> 
> The messier the better. Look up at him with love and enthusiasm as he splatters on you, and all will be well.
> 
> Don't worry the shower will wash it off fast enough and you won't suffer any long term damage.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> First find out what he likes.


 She knows what he likes. He has told her and she has refused. She hasn't said anything about her husband wanting to shoot ejaculate all over her like a sprinkle system. If he posted, I bet he feels she is disgusted by him. If my wife kept my orgasms in a specific place, wouldn't let me come in her or anywhere near her I'd have a hang up as well. I'd be thinking she was disgusted with me, not the act itself, no matter how much she protested.


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## HisPlaceofInterest (Feb 27, 2014)

There should be a tv show based on these posts. Another “24” series. These posts has gone all over the place in a short time frame – WoW!

What I see is a matter of the heart. Where is your heart? My heart is #1 God’s, #2 my wife’s! In the Bible I read (and I assume you do based on earlier comments), there is a lot on sex. Psalms and Songs can make a grown person blush when read aloud. But more importantly it talks about cherishing one another, loving one another, not forsaking one another, etc. Where is your heart?

I loooooovvvvvve my wife and I learn to do anything with and for her. She is likewise engaged with me. We have each other’s hearts. We want to please one another, bless one another, and we are open enough to talk to the other about anything new. We always try the new things, perhaps we have to tweak it to make it mutually pleasurable but we find a way to always have fun. So where is your heart focused?

Now it appears another question is needed, where is his heart? We have been to Christian sex therapists and we learned how to overcome early issues such and the two of you have going on. There are a lot of issues to be worked out on both sides but the heart issue, the love issue, real love, agape love, seems to be the most important at the moment. 

So where are your hearts?


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Hi everyone, I wanted to post an update. The hubby and I are having PIV about once per month, but I just cannot get into giving him a BJ or HJ outside of foreplay. I have tried but had to stop as I just did not feel into it and felt uncomfortable doing it. I told him we could have sex so he could finish but he just said forget it and left the room. The highlight here is that I did attempt a BJ without a condom, it was gross and I just can't justify it. He said he understands and would not ask for it anymore. I did feel bad yesterday as I wasn't feeling good and it was his birthday. I wore a sexy outfit for him and did a little strip for him last night but wasn't in the mood for sex as I wasn't feeling well at all. He asked for 'a hand' and after about 10 seconds just said he was joking. He seemed kind of down about it, but I wasn't sure if he was serious or joking so I just left it at that. We've never done anything like birthday sex, or birthday 'favors' so I didn't think anything of it. I think we are making progress though, I never stripped for him before so that in itself is a first and a pretty good bday present!

Also, the sex has been without a condom so this is a huge step for us! I've looked into to other forms of birth control and am happy that I did as he seems much happier with this!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WOW..
..
....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

So far I've read only the first page of this thread, and I'm thinking it would be best to stop there.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> *The hubby and I are having PIV about once per month,* but *I just cannot get into giving him a BJ or HJ* outside of foreplay. I have tried but had to stop as I just did not feel into it and felt uncomfortable doing it. *I told him we could have sex so he could finish* but he just said forget it and left the room. The highlight here is that *I did attempt a BJ without a condom, it was gross and I just can't justify it. He said he understands and would not ask for it anymore.* I did feel bad yesterday as I wasn't feeling good and it was his birthday. *I wore a sexy outfit for him and did a little strip for him last night but wasn't in the mood for sex* as I wasn't feeling well at all. He asked for 'a hand' and after about 10 seconds just said he was joking. *He seemed kind of down about it*, but I wasn't sure if he was serious or joking so I just left it at that. We've never done anything like birthday sex, or birthday 'favors' so I didn't think anything of it. I think we are making progress though, I never stripped for him before so that in itself is a first and a pretty good bday present!


I know you are trying, but you are still eviscerating his ego:
You tease him when you know you aren't up to sex. 
You told him a sex act is gross.
You tell him to use you as a sperm collector.

Once a month is still considered a sexless marriage.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I know you are trying, but you are still eviscerating his ego:
> You tease him when you know you aren't up to sex.
> You told him a sex act is gross.
> You tell him to use you as a sperm collector.
> ...


I wasn't teasing, I was giving him a birthday strip, no teasing there at all. He knows I don't enjoy oral or giving hand jobs, there is just no pleasure in it at all for me. I've done it before, but he took FOREVER to get off and my arm/hand gets tired and I think he could tell that I was getting irritated. He said every time I asked him if he was almost there it turned him off more. I was on my period so that did not help. I don't like to do anything like that at all on my period, I feel disgusting during that time. I was simply offering myself to him so he could finish with me rather than finish himself.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Hey,

Good job making him feel the number 1 in your life on his birthday.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

im_tam said:


> Hey,
> 
> Good job making him feel the number 1 in your life on his birthday.


Thank you! I'm trying! :smthumbup:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Dazed, sorry to break it to you but your husband is most likely far from satisfied with sex once per month. Twelve times in 1 year? My wife and I will have sex 12 times in about 3 weeks, and I STILL wish we could do it more frequently. 

Try not to get into the notion of birthday sex, anniversary sex or connecting special sexual favors to a "holiday". Just have sex. No strings attached glorious sex at a minimum once per week. Permanently remove the condom and be happy with giving him the pleasure to ejaculate inside you because it is very intimate for a male and in many cases for the woman as well. Explore your sexuality more and broaden those horizons.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I wasn't teasing, I was giving him a birthday strip, no teasing there at all.


Okayyyyy......?


dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I wore a sexy outfit for him and did a little strip for him last night but wasn't in the mood for sex


The full name is striptease, even if you shorten the name.

Ask him if he felt it was teasing. I know what it sounds like to me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I applaud you for trying. But, at the same time, I have to ask, do you think that he was aroused? You might have lead him to think that some intimacy, touch, caressing and sex was on offer. 

Maybe it's me but I have a hard time seeing a strip to arouse him and then asking him to stuff it is a proper BD gift. A far more loving thing to do might have been to wait until you felt better? He was probably sad and deeply hurt. 

Walk around in your husbands shoes. If you don't understand him then read about men, male and female sexuality, intimate relationships, love and empathy. Forget yourself and your fears and inhibitions for a moment. 

Think of what you want to be for a man who loves you. He deserves your sincere effort to make him happy in the way he needs just as he makes you happy in the way you need. 

I was in your shoes when I first married. I did not realize that I married such a rare man and that he loved me so much. Wish I were better in those early days. You are at lest brave to ask for help, I was not. 

Tis the season so why not watch the movie "It's a Wonderful Life". What would your life be like if your husband were not born.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Hi everyone, I wanted to post an update. The hubby and I are having PIV about once per month, but I just cannot get into giving him a BJ or HJ outside of foreplay.!


Three things you need to understand, based on my experience:

1) My ex had the same attitudes - no BJs, rare HJs, monthly PIV - almost the plainest sex I could conceive. I was expected to be grateful for it and make HER satisfaction a daily priority.

It became so unsatisfying I did not care whether we had sex. There was no way I was going to get that little bit then listen to her outsized demands as a wife who had "done her part". I would have left if not for the family.

Is this where you want your marriage to be?

2) It is not natural to dislike sex, be grossed out by bodily fluids, or think it's okay to be sexually ungenerous with your spouse. Those things only happen when you have bad examples in your life (since you say you suffered no abuse or trauma). That being the case, what have you done to overcome your hangups?

From somebody in your husband's shoes, I can see that you think you are making big improvements. The truth is you are spinning your wheels and really not accomplishing much. It only feels like you are because you are a hostage to your phobias and have to exert willpower just to engage in any sex.

When are you going to stop rug sweeping the underlying issues and instead do the hard work (yes, that might take years) to get emotionally healthy first, then grow your sex life from there?

3) I come from an evangelical Christian background. However, I know that straight Biblical teaching on marital sex is hard to come by. Some churches pooh-pooh sex as unimportant (even though the Bible clearly says otherwise) and others avoid teaching the hard truth for fear of offending the congregants.

I can easily see where a bad church would warp your views on sex. I had a good friend tell me that oral is bad because "that is what gay people do".

I would urge you to find a sex-positive church where you can hear about it from people with a similar world view.

Good luck to you.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Thank you to those being positive, I really appreciate the help. I didn't see it as anything negative and at least 'something' for his birthday enjoyment. I even wore the underwear he really likes! He has been depressed lately because the OM that I had an EA with '3 years ago mind you' delivers packages to his workplace and causes a trigger. Whenever he sees him he gets into this funk and won't get out. We had a talk the other day and I got the feeling that he wants me to leave but he wouldn't tell me to. I felt like he wanted me to leave by my choice because he didn't want to tell me to do it. I thought that little pick me up might help him feel better for his bday. Instead, he laid around the house depressed all day, it was really sad. We had a talk about how he felt and I told him that it's not my fault he feels this way, I'm not doing anything to make him feel how he does. He needs to move on like I have. He told me that it is my fault and I already did the damage, it takes years to get over what happened, etc. I just feel like he keeps punishing me by bringing it up, I want him to trust me again and for us to get back to how we once were. I guess all of that is why we cannot connect on an intimate level...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Thank you to those being positive, I really appreciate the help. I didn't see it as anything negative and at least 'something' for his birthday enjoyment. I even wore the underwear he really likes! He has been depressed lately because the OM that I had an EA with '3 years ago mind you' delivers packages to his workplace and causes a trigger. Whenever he sees him he gets into this funk and won't get out. We had a talk the other day and I got the feeling that he wants me to leave but he wouldn't tell me to. I felt like he wanted me to leave by my choice because he didn't want to tell me to do it. I thought that little pick me up might help him feel better for his bday. Instead, he laid around the house depressed all day, it was really sad. We had a talk about how he felt and I told him that it's not my fault he feels this way, I'm not doing anything to make him feel how he does. He needs to move on like I have. He told me that it is my fault and I already did the damage, it takes years to get over what happened, etc. I just feel like he keeps punishing me by bringing it up, I want him to trust me again and for us to get back to how we once were. I guess all of that is why we cannot connect on an intimate level...


Three years ago? You have absolutely no idea, if you've been acting this way for that long, the damage that has been cased in your marriage. You both need marriage counseling bad. Also, you need individual counseling for your trauma. Yes, you share blame for how he feels. The EA and some of the ramifications are exclusively your fault and not shared.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Three years ago? You have absolutely no idea, if you've been acting this way for that long, the damage that has been cased in your marriage. You both need marriage counseling bad. Also, you need individual counseling for your trauma. Yes, you share blame for how he feels. The EA and some of the ramifications are exclusively your fault and not shared.


We have went to marriage counseling before and it seemed to help for a bit but went back to how it currently is. I have also went to individual counseling, there is no trauma that I have suffered. I understand that it is shared, but how he acts now '3 years later' is because he won't let the past go. I want to move on and he keeps punishing me by keeping the past in the present. I have said I'm sorry more times that I can count, I have cried, and begged to move on but he just won't. I feel I have paid my dues and he just keeps bringing the past up.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> We have went to marriage counseling before and it seemed to help for a bit but went back to how it currently is. I have also went to individual counseling, there is no trauma that I have suffered. I understand that it is shared, but how he acts now '3 years later' is because he won't let the past go. I want to move on and he keeps punishing me by keeping the past in the present. I have said I'm sorry more times that I can count, I have cried, and begged to move on but he just won't. I feel I have paid my dues and he just keeps bringing the past up.


I don't remember you saying earlier that you had an EA. If you stated it earlier in the thread, then I probably missed it.

During your EA, if you used to regularly do sexting with the OM or talk about sex and you expressed that you wanted to do things to him that you don't do for your H...then that is one component of the problem there.

How frequently does he initiate sex with you? Is he content with sex once/month or would he like it more frequently? Do you turn him down frequently? This will tie back into the EA because the fact you stepped out on your H sends him the message that you ARE a sexual being but he doesn't do it for you. I think your disgust with fluids and smells - which is contrary to his desire for oral, HJ's and PIV sex without condoms - is perceived by him as a rejection of your H as a sexually desirable man. It's common for a man to want to "reclaim" what is his after his wife cheats on him - even if that cheating is an EA. 

A 3rd thing that would reinforce his perception that you are not attracted to him is the strip dance. I'm sure you had the best of intentions, but if your reasoning to do this was to try to make him feel better then it was done for all the wrong reasons. If he feels that the only reason why you did this for him was because he was depressed then all the more reason for him to be even more depressed later, because who wants to be the object of pity?


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I don't remember you saying earlier that you had an EA. If you stated it earlier in the thread, then I probably missed it.
> 
> During your EA, if you used to regularly do sexting with the OM or talk about sex and you expressed that you wanted to do things to him that you don't do for your H...then that is one component of the problem there.
> 
> ...


I didn't sext with the OM, we talked and I vented a lot about how my H worked to much and was never home to spend time with me since he was always traveling for work. It was a big promotion that he got and had wanted for a long time but I needed someone to talk to and just felt like he wasn't there nor cared.

He never initiates, he said that he just doesn't feel like sex anymore. He did break down one time and say it that has been all of the rejection I gave him and he just shut down sexually and can't turn that desire back on. He's a guy so I would think he would want it and if not from me, from someone else. He goes to the gym, and just recently started going with a friend from work that is a female. He tells me this and claims it's so I know what he's doing and there is no mistrust there. I make remarks sometimes like 'go be with your girlfriends' when I get upset at him. He is a very desirable man and all of my friends think he's hot, he always gets looks when we are out and it makes me feel sad and lowers my self-esteem. I am attracted to him but want him to chase me, I don't want to be the only one that chases, I've tried to initiate a few times in the last week but he has shot me down and just said he didn't feel like sex at all.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazedandconfused80
Different people look at things differently, but you and your husband's situation feels very similar to most of my marriage with my wife. Let me explain how it made me feel - it may not be the same for him, but it might. Please understand that I don't want you to feel bad, but just to understand how important these issues are to your marriage so that you can do your very best to try to improve things:

I think the food analogy to sex is very appropriate for many HD people like myself and (I presume) your husband.

Imagine that on your birthday you come home and your husband has prepared a beautiful dinner. There are candles on the table, fine wine, your favorite foods, a spectacular dessert waiting. You sit and he starts bringing the dishes out - each smelling delicious, He lifts the sliver cover off your plate and sits down. You pick up your fork and..... He say he isn't really hungry, picks up the food and throws it out. You have to sneak into the kitchen later that night to eat some crackers. 

He thinks he has done you a great favor - he's prepared a great meal, candles etc. He seems surprised that you aren't happy.

Hugs, kisses, strip-teases, massages etc are all wonderful things. They set the mood in the same way that the preparations for a fine dinner enhance the appetite. They are vital, in the same way that even a fine steak tossed onto a paper plate is somehow not as delicious as one served with all the buildup. But, without actually eating the food, all the preparation is not just wasted, it is intensely frustrating. 

I know that as a LD person it is very difficult for this to make intuitive sense. You think that intimacy can be fine without sex, but for a HD person it really doesn't work like that. Its not that other intimacy is bad, its wonderful, but it has to lead to more or it is just frustrating. It hurts - a lot. 

My wife didn't understand why I didn't want to just cuddle in bed then sleep. Didn't understand that it would leave me so aroused that I couldn't sleep. That I needed to sneak off to the bathroom to masturbate to relieve myself. Didn't realize how humiliating it was to do so, or that there were other women available to me if I wanted - I only needed to ask them. 

It hurt me that my wife, despite claiming to love me, was not willing to put out a little effort to make me happy. I would do anything for her, in bed and out of it. I loved her, but I couldn't live like that, and I was just a minute or two away from asking for a divorce (from which I would have never backed down) when somehow she finally realized and tried to improve. 

If you don't fix this, he will cheat, or he will leave, or worse, much worse, he will live his life miserable and resenting you for what you have done.

You can fix this. Even if you don't like it, do things for him anyway - not as a "chore", not because you are afraid of losing him, but because you love him and you are willing to go to great effort to make him happy. You may even discover that you enjoy sex - that once he is no longer starving and frustrated he will really love you, rather than just feel duty-bound to say he does. 

Give him a BJ to completion - just do it, it won't kill you. Then do it every time he wants it. Have sex with him every other night - do what he likes as long as it isn't actually painful. Try it for a month or two and see what your life is like. Or - if he isn't worth it, then open the marriage, or tell him you want a divorce, but don't keep him prisoner.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He knows I don't enjoy oral or giving hand jobs, there is just no pleasure in it at all for me.


Hey, Gus - if you don't read anything else in this thread, I think this snippet about covers it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like he's probably getting all his needs met without you. I say good for him.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I enjoy receiving oral sex is what I mean.


Try this for a couple of years. 

He gives you oral sex and just as you are about to cvm, the point where one partner in a couple is so vulnerable to the other, he stops and says "What's that smell? Urrggghhhh you need to finish by yourself." and rolls over to read his book.

See if you can do that for 3 years and then put your hand on your heart and say that you don't resent him for treating you like that.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening dazedandconfused80
> Different people look at things differently, but you and your husband's situation feels very similar to most of my marriage with my wife. Let me explain how it made me feel - it may not be the same for him, but it might. Please understand that I don't want you to feel bad, but just to understand how important these issues are to your marriage so that you can do your very best to try to improve things:
> 
> I think the food analogy to sex is very appropriate for many HD people like myself and (I presume) your husband.
> ...


Thank you for the advice Richard. A bj let alone to completion is out of the question. I'm sorry, but it just cannot and will not happen. He isn't even in the mood hardly anymore which is why he never initiates. He loves and I love him with all of my heart and soul. He knows this and I know he loves me. As for the others that posted, he is not cheating. He would never do that to me and I know trust him in that regard.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> Try this for a couple of years.
> 
> He gives you oral sex and just as you are about to cvm, the point where one partner in a couple is so vulnerable to the other, he stops and says "What's that smell? Urrggghhhh you need to finish by yourself." and rolls over to read his book.
> 
> See if you can do that for 3 years and then put your hand on your heart and say that you don't resent him for treating you like that.


Not all women give BJ's or let their spouse finish in their mouth. Semen is meant for reproduction, not to put in your mouth. I don't even get oral sex anymore unless it is during foreplay, so I think he has some things he could do to meet half way here.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> . He loves and I love him with all of my heart and soul. He knows this and I know he loves me.


Just not enough to give a single BJ. LMAO.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening dazedandconfused80
> Different people look at things differently, but you and your husband's situation feels very similar to most of my marriage with my wife. Let me explain how it made me feel - it may not be the same for him, but it might. Please understand that I don't want you to feel bad, but just to understand how important these issues are to your marriage so that you can do your very best to try to improve things:
> 
> I think the food analogy to sex is very appropriate for many HD people like myself and (I presume) your husband.
> ...


:iagree:


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> Just not enough to give a single BJ. LMAO.


I wouldn't say a BJ is love. Couldn't it go the same way that if he loves me he would respect the fact I don't like to do that?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I wouldn't say a BJ is love. Couldn't it go the same way that if he loves me he would respect the fact I don't like to do that?


By all means, don't do it if you don't want to.

Just realize that the vast majority of women will.

It's your issue, not his.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazedandconfuzed80
Why is it out of the question? If you are an abuse survivor (you may have posted that somewhere - I haven't read everything) , then I completely understand and you have my sincere sympathy, but I would also strongly recommend that you get ongoing therapy to help heal - for your sake, not his. 

I think he isn't in the mood because he has been frustrated for so long. The teasing just hurts so much that he would rather be celibate. 

He may be an honorable man who will never cheat and never leave. In that case though you are taking unfair advantage of him and his love for you. If you truly love him, then don't do this to him. Give him a good sex life, or open the marriage, or beg for a divorce, or at least seek therapy, but what you are doing is unfair. 

You are LD so you don't understand how bad this is for him. Please listen to the many HD posters here, read the threads from both men and women who are being denied a normal sex life, and try to realize what is happening. What you are doing is not love, but selfishness - however unintended. 




"now I'm praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive...."




dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Thank you for the advice Richard. A bj let alone to completion is out of the question. I'm sorry, but it just cannot and will not happen. He isn't even in the mood hardly anymore which is why he never initiates. He loves and I love him with all of my heart and soul. He knows this and I know he loves me. As for the others that posted, he is not cheating. He would never do that to me and I know trust him in that regard.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazedandconfused
No, its not the same. Sex is unlike everything else because it is a basic need, and something you can only get from your partner. 

It is like saying that you don't like the sun, so he is only allowed to go outside at night - if he love you, why wouldn't he agree to that?

I give my wife massages whenever she asks. I don't particularly enjoy doing it, but I do it out of love. I do it because she enjoys them and I like to make her happy. Would it be a sign of love if she stopped asking me? 

Love is the act of doing, not denying. 




dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I wouldn't say a BJ is love. Couldn't it go the same way that if he loves me he would respect the fact I don't like to do that?


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Not all women give BJ's or let their spouse finish in their mouth. Semen is meant for reproduction, not to put in your mouth. I don't even get oral sex anymore unless it is during foreplay, so I think he has some things he could do to meet half way here.


My same comment would apply to PIV sex. 

You say in recent posts that you have changed, and I applaud you if that is so. However your logic about withdrawing with a condom makes no sense. There is a far greater risk of the condom coming off while he withdraws and getting pregnant than using it in the way it is intended. But that is water under the bridge right now.

I have read through this whole thread and seen all the comments thinking that it is made up, but never I thought so as I was married to someone with a very similar attitude and this was like reading my marriage.

Years and years ago when I once or twice got a HJ she would move herself to the far side of the bed and point me the other way. The closeness and intimacy of the act was gone, in a millisecond, I just felt disgusting about myself.

She made no effort to hide the fact that she found p***ses disgusting. Which was odd as I know that she had boyfriends before me and it was never a problem then or between us _before_ she got the ring on her finger.

Sex was on her terms. When I gave her oral she would thank me profusely and then roll over and go to sleep and tell me to go and use the bathroom. 

But sex was always used as the lure. If I did X or Y then I might get lucky. If I did A or B wrong then "no sex for you". 

The resentment built over time until after one pivotal event the resentment got worse. And worse than resentment is apathy, because resentment is an actual feeling towards someone, like love or hate but once apathy sets in your feelings towards that person are gone.

By the time we got to MC I had neither the will nor desire to try again. 

There were other problems as well but she still doesn't understand why I left.

Sex isn't something that one partner has control of to reward or blackmail the other with, it is something to be cherished between the two of you.

I was lucky enough to meet someone soon after I split and we have a wonderful relationship in all ways. The closeness you feel to someone when you cvm together in each others arms is an amazing feeling, the high stays with you for a long time.

You said in one post that you had a good sex life before you were married so he probably even resents the marriage itself as it appears that you deliberately mislead him into the relationship to get what you wanted.

I wish you luck but from what you said your H now seems apathetic, and I don't criticize him one bit. 

The ball is in your court on this one and you need help, serious help, and quickly. 

You need to make it very clear to him that you know you have been in the wrong and prove that you are getting help. You need to stop treating a normal sex life, that presumably you vowed in your Church that you wanted, as if it is some nasty perversion on his part. But you have a lot of work to do to make up for the years of insult, rejection and abuse that you have given him.

Sorry to be harsh but if you want your marriage to work you need to make it a marriage and you have a long way to go. 

If he stays around waiting you'll have to remember every day how lucky you are. I stayed far too long, even my mother called me a 'wuss' for not leaving earlier.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
You can get to the point where you are hoping that your spouse will have an affair so that you can leave with honor. Hoping that they will violate your vows so that you don't have to do so.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I have said I'm sorry more times that I can count, I have cried, and begged to move on but he just won't. I feel I have paid my dues and he just keeps bringing the past up.


You can say sorry 1000 times, it's your actions that prove the sincerity of your words. Everything you have posted, to me, feels insincere.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He never initiates, he said that he just doesn't feel like sex anymore. *He did break down one time and say it that has been all of the rejection I gave him and he just shut down sexually and can't turn that desire back on.* He's a guy so I would think he would want it and if not from me, from someone else. He goes to the gym, and just recently started going with a friend from work that is a female. He tells me this and claims it's so I know what he's doing and there is no mistrust there. I make remarks sometimes like 'go be with your girlfriends' when I get upset at him. He is a very desirable man and all of my friends think he's hot, he always gets looks when we are out and it makes me feel sad and lowers my self-esteem. I am attracted to him but want him to chase me, I don't want to be the only one that chases, I've tried to initiate a few times in the last week but he has shot me down and just said he didn't feel like sex at all.


There you go. Months, years or whatever the duration of all the rejection that you gave him whenever he used to initiate sex caused him to disengage. You're frustrated because he's not pursuing you anymore. Well, he did on his b-day and you rejected him after your striptease. What do you think he took away from that encounter and what do you think was reinforced in his mind?

If you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to pursue him. He's not going to pursue you until he determines that he can TRUST his wife to WANT a healthy and engaged sex life where both he and his wife will want to EXPLORE NEW THINGS together. 

I hope you realize that your husband is attractive, desired by other women and as you can see gets regular attention from the opposite sex. Now he's going to the gym with a friend of the opposite sex.

Serious question: When are you going to pull your head our the sand and realize that your marital situation is at a critical stage, and you have VERY LITTLE TIME LEFT to fix this?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> My H and I have been together for 8 years *and married for 3. *





dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He has been depressed lately because the *OM that I had an EA with '3 years ago mind you' *delivers packages to his workplace and causes a trigger.


No wonder he hasn't let this go. Do you honestly not understand why this is devastating to any spouse? No, gender does not matter. I'm wondering how different this thread would be, if you would have given us this information at the start.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

I don't know what to do, my H came home from work about 1 hour ago and looked like someone killed his puppy. He sat me down and told me how much he loves me but he cannot keep going on like this. He said he met with an attorney to file for D today. I love this man more than anything and can't stand the though of losing him. What can I do to save this? He left for a bit but said he expects me to be gone when he comes back. I have no place to go except my parents, I can't afford to live on my own! I'm a hysterical mess and feel sick to my stomach, what can I do?!?!?

I'M SO SORRY!!!!!

I thought we were making positive progress!!!!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't know what to do, my H came home from work about 1 hour ago and looked like someone killed his puppy. He sat me down and told me how much he loves me but he cannot keep going on like this. He said he met with an attorney to file for D today. I love this man more than anything and can't stand the though of losing him. What can I do to save this? He left for a bit but said he expects me to be gone when he comes back. I have no place to go except my parents, I can't afford to live on my own! I'm a hysterical mess and feel sick to my stomach, what can I do?!?!?
> 
> I'M SO SORRY!!!!!
> 
> I thought we were making positive progress!!!!


That's odd....Why on earth would he do that?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I guess he reached his limit.

This is a very painful way to learn a lesson for both of you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't know what to do, my H came home from work about 1 hour ago and looked like someone killed his puppy. He sat me down and told me how much he loves me but he cannot keep going on like this. He said he met with an attorney to file for D today. I love this man more than anything and can't stand the though of losing him. What can I do to save this? He left for a bit but said he expects me to be gone when he comes back. I have no place to go except my parents, I can't afford to live on my own! I'm a hysterical mess and feel sick to my stomach, what can I do?!?!?
> 
> I'M SO SORRY!!!!!
> 
> I thought we were making positive progress!!!!


He can't just tell you to leave. Get a lawyer tomorrow and get their advice on when and if you leave your home.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazedandconfuse80
You have two choices:

1), You can apologize, followed immediately and continuously thereafter by giving him the sex life that he wants and should reasonably expect in a marriage. He may not accept it - he may not trust that it is sincere, but maybe he will. But if so, this is your last chance ever - if you start to deny him again, then he will leave. Do it because you love him, not as a chore to keep him.

OR

2). You can apologize, and work with him for an equitable, non rancorous divorce. Then try to find a man whose level of sexual interest matches your own. They are out there, you may find someone you are happy with and your husband will (or probably already has) found someone he is happy with. You could both end up happy this way too.



The choice is yours. If you find the sort of sexual activity he wants to be too distasteful, then you should not be married.


What you cannot do is wait, bargain, discuss, or bait / switch, and most especially you cannot offer something other than sex. 


Your choice but choose now. Right now. The posters here have done their very best to try to warn you. Time is up. 


I am by the way very sorry you are in this spot. I am also very sorry he is in this spot. This is bad for both of you, but there are no time machines, you can only take things from where they are now. 


I wish you and your husband the very best of luck and future happiness. 







dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't know what to do, my H came home from work about 1 hour ago and looked like someone killed his puppy. He sat me down and told me how much he loves me but he cannot keep going on like this. He said he met with an attorney to file for D today. I love this man more than anything and can't stand the though of losing him. What can I do to save this? He left for a bit but said he expects me to be gone when he comes back. I have no place to go except my parents, I can't afford to live on my own! I'm a hysterical mess and feel sick to my stomach, what can I do?!?!?
> 
> I'M SO SORRY!!!!!
> 
> I thought we were making positive progress!!!!


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_I know plenty of women that agree with me on that._

To my surprise I kind of liked my BF's cum.

I liked the fact it was warm and sticky I just wish it tasted like something.

_ I'm not getting anything from it _

Why?

_he only had 1 out of all the others he dated do it._

I bet just just told you this to make you feel better.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> LMAO! You are so wrong on this one. No, most women do not feel this way. The handful YOU know, maybe. But not MOST women. :rofl:


I feel bad for their H's to.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I take back what I said earlier. Now I think this is being made up, the timing is just too convenient. Just as the comments have all turned to how she needs to make the effort to turn things around and not him all of a sudden he's the bad one and she's the victim here. 

I'm calling this one a "pant's on fire".


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lovelyblue said:


> _I know plenty of women that agree with me on that._
> 
> To my surprise I kind of liked my BF's cum.
> 
> I liked the fact it was warm and sticky I just wish it tasted like something.


That's a little ironic when your logo picture reads "Keep Calm and Become A Chef".


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Is this real? I'm starting to question. Appears to be a few straw men and caricatures in the thread.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I don't know what to do, my H came home from work about 1 hour ago and looked like someone killed his puppy. He sat me down and told me how much he loves me but he cannot keep going on like this. He said he met with an attorney to file for D today. I love this man more than anything and can't stand the though of losing him. What can I do to save this? He left for a bit but said he expects me to be gone when he comes back. I have no place to go except my parents, I can't afford to live on my own! I'm a hysterical mess and feel sick to my stomach, what can I do?!?!?
> 
> I'M SO SORRY!!!!!
> 
> I thought we were making positive progress!!!!


I'm going to assume this is real because this can happen IRL.

Who are you apologizing to? No one on this thread needs one. I'm guessing none of us are married to you. Assuming you live in the U.S., you can't be thrown out of the marital home. I guess you have to ask him what can you do to save the marriage. 

My guess? Better learn to enjoy oral and to enjoy swallowing his seed. He may need a demonstration of your commitment to him, so who knows what he may ultimately need from you. Everything in this thread centered around semen, so that's my guess.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I can't tell if this is real or not. The timing seems unlikely, but it could have been triggered by a birthday strip NOT followed by sex - I could see that being the final straw. 

I really was in a very similar situation 3 years ago - and was actively posting on a board like this at the time.

It could be a troll. You can never know for sure. If so, the issue remains real, even if the particular situation is made up. If its a troll, it was a rather long term complex one, with the original posts starting months ago. I figure that many stories are fake. 

If its real, then I have a great deal of sympathy for the people involved. I'm convinced the husband will end up happy. The OP, I'm not so sure, though I wish her the best .


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Confession time. I'm the husband.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

This whole story follows such a old troll pattern. Leaving out information then later revealing it so the thread keeps going is a classic.
A story that is so outrageous and about an extremely selfish person, classic fable telling.
Then boom the big one, the spouse all of a sudden, while the thread is in action decided to call it quits, files for divorce.

Yawn, some people just need the attention.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> That's a little ironic when your logo picture reads "Keep Calm and Become A Chef".


LOL.

He ate what I cooked that why I ate him up.

Also Daze you didn't want a to give a BJ but you want oral on you?...How is that fair?

And you do realize that your cum got into his mouth.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> I take back what I said earlier. Now I think this is being made up, the timing is just too convenient. Just as the comments have all turned to how she needs to make the effort to turn things around and not him all of a sudden he's the bad one and she's the victim here.
> 
> I'm calling this one a "pant's on fire".


Yes, strange timing. Dazedandconfused80 or was it Tiredmommy (so similar I get them confused) hadn't been here for a couple months. Then by some miraculous coincidence the day after she returns to say how far she has progressed (despite all her same strange aversions that get everyone riled up and her new disclosure of her EA), her husband suddenly asks for a divorce!?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Confession time. I'm the husband.


No, I'm the husband.

It just needs a few more to own up and we can start singing "Always Look on The Bright Side of Life".


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Whatever if you all think this is fake then maybe all of the other threads on here are fake too.

To the person who said I need to get a lawyer, what if I can't afford one?

Those of you that think this is fake can just keep their opinion to themselves because I'm getting tired of being called a "troll" and hearing that my problem is fake. Sorry that you all life in a perfect life and what is happening to me is not realistic.....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Confession time. I'm the husband.



And she's not my wife....


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I feel I have paid my dues and he just keeps bringing the past up.


How do you feel you have done so? What concrete steps have you taken that demonstrate "I appreciate you having forgiveness in your heart for me and I will make sure you know you made the right choice"?

I ask because, honestly, nothing that you have mentioned in these 300+ posts indicates you feel that way. Everything is, at best, minimal changes while still putting yourself first.

Going back to your update, you said you just can't justify giving him a BJ because it is gross. You concede that you gave him an HJ which did not enthuse him because it was clear you were not into it (rolling eyes, making noises). You finally got some decent birth control, but have sex with him once a month. Now, honestly, how does that convey your gratitude for him looking past your infidelity?

Until such time as you can instinctively elevate him to an equal status as you, you need to consciously do it. For every day you decline sex, take one day to really blow his mind in the way he wants. For every day he works hard to support your family, make home a place of joy for him and not frustration - a place to which he cannot wait to return, rather than being indifferent (or worse).

Yes, I do mean that you need to keep score. At a bare minimum the split should be 50/50. Optimally, it would be slanted towards him to atone for the EA and your treatment of him since.

You and I (and the other TAMers) know you can do it, cheerfully, if you really wanted to. The question is, how bad do you want to be that wife to your husband? How bad do you want to meet his need and validate his devotion to you?

Your husband knows you could yet would choose yourself over him if it came to that, regardless of how much forgiveness and patience he has shown over the years. You are continuing to drive him away because he isn't fooled. If I am wrong and you do prioritize him equal to yourself, now is the time to show it.

Or, if you must consider it from a perspective of personal benefit... You know you are driving him away and killing the marriage. What is your end game? Will you stay single and learn to go it alone? Find a significantly older guy who's sex drive has slowed and won't expect much in that regard? Most guys your age will have strong drives for 10-15 years; what will make you take better care of the next guy?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Whatever if you all think this is fake then maybe all of the other threads on here are fake too.
> 
> To the person who said I need to get a lawyer, what if I can't afford one?
> 
> Those of you that think this is fake can just keep their opinion to themselves because I'm getting tired of being called a "troll" and hearing that my problem is fake. Sorry that you all life in a perfect life and what is happening to me is not realistic.....


Easy there DC. We're all friends. I said I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. 

So what are your plans to fix this? Is he at least entertaining the possibility that the two of you can reconcile if things change? What exactly would need to change so that he wants to stay married in the end? 

If your husband does trying to reconcile, and his primary demand is for his wife to willingly participate in a fulfilling sex life, will you be able to comply with that? I'm really curious about how you're going to pull this off, because when you started this thread you practically told us (and your husband) that his cum was like boiling acid. Now you're probably going to have to convince him that his cum is like nectar from the gods. Could you pull that off?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Honestly from a mans perspective I don't see any reason he would or should bother to put any energy into this. At this point he's out. Another chance? Oh brother. For what? An entitled little princess and a one way marriage?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Those of you that think this is fake can just keep their opinion to themselves because I'm getting tired of being called a "troll" and hearing that my problem is fake. Sorry that you all life in a perfect life and what is happening to me is not realistic.....


No one doubts that you are not happy. The problem is you are the architect of your problem. Most people here ask "I want to be with my husband / wife badly but they won't allow it - what can I do"?

Here, you hold all the cards. Your husband wants you, and you refuse to meet his needs. Your real options are:

1) Just put your mind to it and do what he wants cheerfully, or
2) Get the professional help you need to overcome your pretty strong inhibitions and then do what he wants cheerfully, or
3) Admit you don't like him enough to be the wife he wants, and gracefully exit the relationship.

Yet, you insist on complaining about how unfair it is that you are expected to dig down deep and do for him, and how you should be able to have him devote himself to you in a lopsided manner, and how he needs to buck-up and overlook your transgressions without any commensurate improvement in your behavior.

Your attitude is what strains credulity, not your marital issues. Your average seven-year-old knows you have to share and cannot always have it your own way - everyone gets a shot. Your apparent attitude that it must be your way when you feel like it is what has us baffled and wondering if you aren't just stirring it up.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Dazed, not everyone here has a perfect life at home. I don't. I should. But I don't.

Everyone has a breaking point. Some break quickly, others take longer. One have motives for putting up. But everyone has their day in "court". 

I can see that you have some deep rooted beliefs, perhaps cultural or family based, that may not be what your husband a expecting. Compromise and understanding go a long way versus sticking to one's guns.

Very few men would go for 1x month sex regardless of quality.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I wouldn't say a BJ is love. Couldn't it go the same way that if he loves me he would respect the fact I don't like to do that?


No, because you are talking absolutes. Love would be if you meet him half way. That means you do X, Y, Z regularly (as often as not perhaps) as a sacrifice to him, and he gives up having it as much as he wants as a sacrifice to you.

You will never do X, Y, or Z. That means at the end of the day you are more important than he is, whether you want to recognize that or not. Look how butt-hurt you are that he will not suck it up and get over your affair.

And yes I did see that he is filing for D. So, it seems that your conviction that he would never leave over it was wrong. What will you do now? Had you known a D would be the result, would you have tried harder?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Sex is learned behavior. My wife wasn't exactly Playmate of the Month material experience wise, what with growing up in an Islamic semi-theocracy and all that. But I was patient and it took us a while but we did well. She learned to enjoy a lot of things she never thought she would. Of course back them we were poor grad students... 

The only absolute things in life are death, taxes, and my Chicago Cubs svcking. Everything else is open. The human body is very good at giving and getting pleasure but the human mind is even better.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Honestly from a mans perspective I don't see any reason he would or should bother to put any energy into this. At this point he's out. Another chance? Oh brother. For what? An entitled little princess and a one way marriage?


From a woman POV I can see why he wants a div.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazedandconfused80
please understand that we can't tell if you are real or not. Sadly there are people who post made-up threads to get everyone all riled up. Some of them are extremely good at pretending to be something that they are not. On one thread on another board a guy pretended to be a bisexual woman in a difficult situation and got another (I think real) poster (female, bi) to become very emotionally involved. Really not cool. For the most part people on these boards are really trying to help others in trouble.

I'm happy to discuss as if you are real - but there is no way for us to tell, just as you cannot tell what we are behind our made-up usernames.





dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Whatever if you all think this is fake then maybe all of the other threads on here are fake too.
> 
> To the person who said I need to get a lawyer, what if I can't afford one?
> 
> Those of you that think this is fake can just keep their opinion to themselves because I'm getting tired of being called a "troll" and hearing that my problem is fake. Sorry that you all life in a perfect life and what is happening to me is not realistic.....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all.
In the end (assuming this is real) the situation is actually simple. 

The husband wants an active sex life. His requests are not unreasonable relative to other relationship. 

The wife does not want to be part of that sex life. This is certainly her right - she is and should not be under any compulsion to perform sex acts that she really doesn't want. That is her choice.

He is also free to choose to leave the relationship. That is his choice. If the wife doesn't change her behavior, that is what he will do.

No one is forced to do anything they don't want, but like all people in all situations they must live with the natural consequences of their actions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You all seem to be assuming that he wants a divorce based on their sex life (which would be my guess, too). But she hasn't said why he wants a divorce. She might not even know herself yet. 

C


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

PBear said:


> You all seem to be assuming that he wants a divorce based on their sex life (which would be my guess, too). But she hasn't said why he wants a divorce. She might not even know herself yet.
> 
> C


I think he wants a divorce because he is married to HER!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Updates?


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

My guess would be the be.

1. Their sex life and her icky factor when it comes to his body and his man fluids.
2. Her EA.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

lovelyblue said:


> My guess would be the be.
> 
> 1. Their sex life and her icky factor when it comes to his body and his man fluids.
> 2. Her EA.


He says he can't get of my EA and the factor that we aren't intimate nearly enough. He spent last night at one of his friend's houses and came home tonight in actually a pretty good mood. I had sent him at least 20 texts and called 5 times in which he didn't answer. Today he sent me some texts today throughout the day and seemed really happy and was saying how he felt better and wanted to have the evening together. He told me to save some energy from my cardio class today for him tonight. I didn't know what to say so I just replied "lol". He came home with dinner from a new place in town and was in a really good mood. It was nice to see him this way. After dinner he asked me if I would like a back massage and I told him it would be nice since I've been so tense. We went to the bed room and he gave me a back rub for about 15 minutes. I told him I was extremely relaxed, tired, and wanted to take a bubble bath. He started kissing on me and unbuttoned my pants. I haven't felt well today so started making jokes to try and lighten the mood up. I could instantly tell that he was down again. We got up and as I started stripping to get into my bath he said "I was hoping to have sex tonight if you couldn't tell by my text." I just told him I haven't felt well today and am gassy. He's still here but just went to bed, I think he wants to give this another shot but I'm not sure. We didn't talk about what he said regarding D because I was enjoying the time today with him and the improved moods. I hope that we can work through this!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So he gives you another chance and you reject him again? Omg. You so deserve what you get. How many second chances you think there are?


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So he gives you another chance and you reject him again? Omg. You so deserve what you get. How many second chances you think there are?


I'm gassy and my back has been stiff all day. I really don't think that thrashing in the sheets would help either of those....

And what do you say to that? It's so random how he would just text that. It's fine, but just completely random.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm gassy and my back has been stiff all day. I really don't think that thrashing in the sheets would help either of those....
> 
> 
> 
> And what do you say to that? It's so random how he would just text that. It's fine, but just completely random.



So you being all destroyed about him wanting divorce yesterday was bs. You don't care. And if he wants to stay together it has to be on your sexless terms 100%. 

I just hope he finds his balls and goes out to get himself a real life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. Assuming this is real. You are in no way equipped for marriage. I would advise your H to divorce yesterday. You do not get it. You are so disconnected from reality that I am ashamed to have laughed loudly at some of your posts.

Give your H a divorce and do not marry again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

No yesterday was not bs. I love him and want him to stay more than anything. It's simple, I have bad gas tonight and a stiff back, how does that make me a joke?


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## Hauglid (Jan 21, 2015)

tommyr said:


> Must be a troll post
> No wife could seriously think like this


False, my wife wouldn't let me have sex with her without a condom. Sorry but in my opinion, what's the purpose of marriage then besides the status?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> No yesterday was not bs. I love him and want him to stay more than anything. It's simple, I have bad gas tonight and a stiff back, how does that make me a joke?



You do not love him and you don't care if he stays or goes. If you cared you'd be naked and having sex and nothing would stop you. Nothing. Actions speak louder than words.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> No yesterday was not bs. I love him and want him to stay more than anything. It's simple, I have bad gas tonight and a stiff back, how does that make me a joke?


You should have made this clear as soon as you got that text.


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## Hauglid (Jan 21, 2015)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> My H and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3. We have always used a comdom except for a few times, and he always pulls out before he reaches orgasm. I have always thought this was the best idea to help prevent pregnancy. My H has been expressing for the last year that he believes a married couple should not use condoms and my friends all agree with him when I bring this up with them. Why wouldn't we use a condom if we don't want to get pregnant? It just seems like common sense, pulling out is just an extra little thing to help prevent it further. About 2 months ago he didn't pull out and came while inside of me. This really upset me as I don't like him to cum in me, even with a condom. This combined with not wanting to wear a condom has made me not want to be intimate for the last 2 months. He has mentioned me helping him either with my hand or orally but I don't see the point in that as I get nothing from it. Marriage is a 2 way streak and I wouldn't get anything from it so this is not a possibility. Any thoughts on this as I really want to get this back on track but just want to know how I can get him to use a condom and continue to pull out.
> 
> Thanks!
> 
> -Lilly


Unfortunately there are many responses to this as you know. My wife won't let me have sex with her without a condom which I'm not a fan of, AT ALL! It takes away the feeling and the freedom of marriage away from it...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Advil, beano and stilettos.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Advil, beano and stilettos.


May I swipe this as a title for a blog post?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh! Maybe I should add a (tm) to it. lol


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm gassy and my back has been stiff all day. I really don't think that thrashing in the sheets would help either of those....
> 
> And what do you say to that? It's so random how he would just text that. It's fine, but just completely random.


Funny you say that. My wife and I had sex tonight. She was gassy (still is), and we just rolled with it and had a good time. We weren't having porn star sex but we still enjoyed each other. Isn't that the point of intimacy - to enjoy each other?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

SO and I call our respective gas emissions in the bed our "mating calls." It does a world of good in a relationship to resist building walls where there needn't be any. Gas is a part of life, as is back pain. If you were truly uncomfortable, it was best to let him know as soon as you recognized he was amorous. 

Your "lol" response was probably very deflating to him, if not insulting.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You were warned 5 months ago that your way of doing things was going to be harmful to your marriage, and you ignored all the advice you got. Then you ignored your husband's warmup text with a lame "lol". And finally, you accepted his "date" (dinner from a new place) and warmup/foreplay (massage), but as soon as sex comes up, you shut him down with an excuse. You KNOW that one of the reasons for his wanting a divorce is the lack of a sex life, and you blow up his attempt to bring you closer together. Even if you spit in his face, I doubt you could damage your chances of fixing things any more than you did.

Look into counseling for yourself, or be prepared for a long seach for a partner who will accept a sub-standard sex life. And find a way to pay for a lawyer. Failing to do so now will cost you a lot in the future.

C


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> No yesterday was not bs. I love him and want him to stay more than anything. It's simple, I have bad gas tonight and a stiff back, how does that make me a joke?


GasX and 2 ibuprofen and you're good to go! Stop the excuses. Or expect the divorce consequence.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

As soon as your gas is gone, will you give your husband a condomless BJ to completionif he wants it?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm gassy and my back has been stiff all day. I really don't think that thrashing in the sheets would help either of those....


Hmmmm......



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He told me to save some energy from my cardio class today for him tonight. I didn't know what to say so I just replied "lol".



Okay, Okay, Okay.......

The stiff back and gassy feeling didn't stop you from participating in cardio class, but both stop you from having sex with your husband? The same guy who EXPLAINED why he was ready for divorce...?

Wow......


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> No yesterday was not bs. I love him and want him to stay more than anything. It's simple, I have bad gas tonight and a stiff back, how does that make me a joke?



These can both be mitigated away. 

A husband with one foot out the door is a lot harder to mitigate. It is that simple.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Advil, beano and stilettos.



Beyond lolz...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I seriously hope this is a troll. 
If not, at least the husband can leave with a clear conscience. 

Dazedandconfused - I'm sorry, but if you are for real, then you need to learn a lot about marriage and relationships before you get into a new one. This marriage is over. I'm so sorry - maybe someday you will understand what you've done to him. 

But hopefully you are just making this up to get people going. If so - good troll. (but not quite in the "ski bunny" class - unless that was you too.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You should really listen to all the posts from people claiming you are a troll. 

If you are a troll, then you know that you went a bit too far out there with your disgust with sex and problem with gas. You need to be more realistic if you. Want everyone to keep reading. 

If you are not a troll. Then all the accusations that you are a troll should be telling you how outlandish your attitude is. That it is hard for everyone to contemplate how any wife could be as intolerant and unloving as you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hauglid (Jan 21, 2015)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm gassy and my back has been stiff all day. I really don't think that thrashing in the sheets would help either of those....
> 
> And what do you say to that? It's so random how he would just text that. It's fine, but just completely random.


I can understand you being gassy to hold you back but why not be up front with him. You should get the hint when he offered the back massage. I'm in the same boat with my wife to be honest, no sex in a month and won't let me have unprotected sex... Let me tell you it's definit not good!


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

Plain and simple, I am no a troll. Please stop assuming just because I have different views than others that I am. This is getting very old. I appreciate the help and opinions from those that are actually helping.

Last night I took a bubble bath, shower, and then went to bed. He came to bed at the same time and was telling me how he could warm me up. I felt bad but was just so tired at that point that I couldn't do anything and just wanted to sleep. I planned on coming home to jump on him but I started my period this morning so it's a no go at this point. I sent him a text apologizing for last night and told him what I had planned for tonight but started today. He said he understands and it's no big deal. I think I'll make a nice dinner for him to come home to though.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Plain and simple, I am no a troll. Please stop assuming just because I have different views than others that I am. This is getting very old. I appreciate the help and opinions from those that are actually helping.
> 
> Last night I took a bubble bath, shower, and then went to bed. He came to bed at the same time and was telling me how he could warm me up. I felt bad but was just so tired at that point that I couldn't do anything and just wanted to sleep. I planned on coming home to jump on him but I started my period this morning so it's a no go at this point. I sent him a text apologizing for last night and told him what I had planned for tonight but started today. He said he understands and it's no big deal. I think I'll make a nice dinner for him to come home to though.


You can have sex during your period. You still have a mouth and hands. You're just continuing the excuses. And he's just continuing the divorce process. It's no big deal to him now, because he's likely written off sex with you.

C


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think it is ridiculous for a wife in the year 2015 insist her husband wear a condom during sex. It is even more ridiculous to insist he wear a condom AND pull out. The only excuse I see for this is if you are unable to use any other means of birth control for health reasons. And as far as pulling out, maybe if you've gotten pregnant multiple times while on BC and are super paranoid about it happening again??

I personally do not like birth control pills, anything with hormones, because of how my body reacts to it (excessive bleeding). However, if I HAD to use them in order for my man to not have to use a condom every time (if he didn't want to), I would try everything I could to find a solution that worked. In our case, he's had a vasectomy so it's a non issue.

You are an incredibly selfish woman. I am also having trouble believing you are real.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

PBear said:


> You can have sex during your period. You still have a mouth and hands. You're just continuing the excuses. And he's just continuing the divorce process. It's no big deal to him now, because he's likely written off sex with you.
> 
> C


I just feel gross during my period and sexual activities are the last thing on my mind. I cramp very badly and bleed very heavily. He has been fine with this since we were first marired.



SecondTime'Round said:


> I think it is ridiculous for a wife in the year 2015 insist her husband wear a condom during sex. It is even more ridiculous to insist he wear a condom AND pull out. The only excuse I see for this is if you are unable to use any other means of birth control for health reasons. And as far as pulling out, maybe if you've gotten pregnant multiple times while on BC and are super paranoid about it happening again??
> 
> I personally do not like birth control pills, anything with hormones, because of how my body reacts to it (excessive bleeding). However, if I HAD to use them in order for my man to not have to use a condom every time (if he didn't want to), I would try everything I could to find a solution that worked. In our case, he's had a vasectomy so it's a non issue.
> 
> You are an incredibly selfish woman. I am also having trouble believing you are real.


Again, if you don't believe I'm real simply because of my beliefs then that is your opinion. I don't like to use birth control pills because it makes me gain weight, gives me bad headaches, and makes me bleed even more heavy. I don't make him pull out anymore but he still uses a condom so we don't get pregnant.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I just feel gross during my period and sexual activities are the last thing on my mind. I cramp very badly and bleed very heavily. He has been fine with this since we were first marired.
> 
> 
> 
> Again, if you don't believe I'm real simply because of my beliefs then that is your opinion. I don't like to use birth control pills because it makes me gain weight, gives me bad headaches, and makes me bleed even more heavy. I don't make him pull out anymore but he still uses a condom so we don't get pregnant.


OK, I might have missed your reasons for not being on BC. I can relate to all of them except headaches, so I do get that. How about something more permanent like tubal ligation or him getting a vasectomy? Sorry if this has been discussed here. 

I also usually refuse sex during my period because it is super heavy and I cramp, but exceptions can be made on the lighter days such as having sex in the shower. Or oral/hand. Even if you don't like those things, nobody is saying you have to do it every single day. We all do things we might not love doing for the person we love.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sex is always the last thing on your mind and priority list. That's the problem. 

C


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

what has helped? What have you done differently? It sounds like he is proceeding with the divorce. 



dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> Plain and simple, I am no a troll. Please stop assuming just because I have different views than others that I am. This is getting very old. I appreciate the help and opinions from those that are actually helping.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> OK, I might have missed your reasons for not being on BC. I can relate to all of them except headaches, so I do get that. How about something more permanent like tubal ligation or him getting a vasectomy? Sorry if this has been discussed here.
> 
> I also usually refuse sex during my period because it is super heavy and I cramp, but exceptions can be made on the lighter days such as having sex in the shower. Or oral/hand. Even if you don't like those things, nobody is saying you have to do it every single day. We all do things we might not love doing for the person we love.


I'm just not comfortable with oral or using my hand, I don't think I'm very good at it. To be honest I have very low self esteem and have a very poor view on my body. I am not confident at all about myself let alone in the bedroom..... There's the truth....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm just not comfortable with oral or using my hand, I don't think I'm very good at it. To be honest I have very low self esteem and have a very poor view on my body. I am not confident at all about myself let alone in the bedroom..... There's the truth....


Well, practice makes perfect . Sounds like you want him to make all the changes, but what he wants/desires is perfectly normal and not at all unreasonable. 

What would make you feel more confident about yourself?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm just not comfortable with oral or using my hand, I don't think I'm very good at it. To be honest I have very low self esteem and have a very poor view on my body. I am not confident at all about myself let alone in the bedroom..... There's the truth....


So the answer is no. You will not give your husband a BJ even if would help ultimately improve the marriage. The sad thing is that even if you would never give a BJ or maybe 30 seconds max during foreplay only, that would not be an issue if you were an enthusiastic participant in sex with your husband. However, you aren't. And now I see that in the past 24 hours you rejected your husband 3 times. 

Looks like you're heading for divorce. You better prepare for it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

PBear said:


> Sex is always the last thing on your mind and priority list. That's the problem.
> 
> C


I was thinking the same thing. She should make a list of all her priorities and see where her husband is slated in. 

Not what she thinks, but what she does

Choice between husband and sleep (sleep)
Choice between cleanliness and husband (cleanliness)
Choice between xyz and husband (xyz)

I am sure if someone went through this entire thread, they would find some 10 or more things that are more important to the OP than her husband.


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## dazedandconfuzed80 (Sep 29, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, practice makes perfect . Sounds like you want him to make all the changes, but what he wants/desires is perfectly normal and not at all unreasonable.
> 
> What would make you feel more confident about yourself?


I honestly am not sure what would make me feel more confident in myself...... Thank you for talking to me like a human unlike these other fools....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening dazedandconfused80
He does not need you to be skilled or beautiful. He needs you to try. He needs to not be rejected. He needs to feel that he is the most important thing in life to you, not the least. 

You may have a poor view of your body, but your husband doesn't. 

But all these are excuses. You will always be able to find an excuse not to have sex, always. That is OK - there is nothing wrong with a sexless relationship IF you have a partner who wants the same. Unfortunately your husband wants a sexual relationship, so it is completely reasonable for him to divorce you and find someone who will give him that. You can then find a man who does not want sex (there are some), and have a happy life with him. 

If you love your husband, then you want him to be happy. He cannot be happy without a good sex life. If you cannot provide that, then the divorce is the best way for you both to be happy.




dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm just not comfortable with oral or using my hand, I don't think I'm very good at it. To be honest I have very low self esteem and have a very poor view on my body. I am not confident at all about myself let alone in the bedroom..... There's the truth....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening dazedandconfused80
> He does not need you to be skilled or beautiful. He needs you to try. He needs to not be rejected. He needs to feel that he is the most important thing in life to you, not the least.
> 
> You may have a poor view of your body, but your husband doesn't.
> ...


Agree with this.

I think you need to explore your selfishness here, though. In the OP you say you won't do oral or hand because you don't see the point since there's nothing in it for you. That is very, very selfish. But now you're saying you don't think you're good at it and that is the reason? That sounds kinda like an excuse.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I honestly am not sure what would make me feel more confident in myself...... Thank you for talking to me like a human unlike these other fools....



The alternative to fixing your marriage is to remain married with the chance your beaten up husband will turn into an emotional zombie if you're lucky and a Rasputin type if you're not lucky. I can tell you my no desire wife has ended up with the Rasputin type and she's not enjoying her no-sex-pressure days as much as she thought she would...

It's that simple.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_I just feel gross during my period and sexual activities are the last thing on my mind. I cramp very badly and bleed very heavily. He has been fine with this since we were first marired._

I can understand feeling icky during your cycle I feel the same. So why not try this.

Making out heavy petting.
Cuddling tickling.
Spooning giving him a nice back rub or body rub.
While doing the above talk about what you like about each other's bodies.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Dazedandconfuse80
Let me turn this around from when I'm normally talking to the HD partner. As the LD partner, realize that you have given your husband 3 choices:

1). Live like a monk. He will be miserable. Do YOU want him to live like that, constantly resenting you for depriving him of a normal sex life?

2). Cheat. Maybe he has already. Otherwise he may well find some woman who is happy to provide the sex life he so desperately desires. It may even make him realize how much he is missing and maybe that is why he has gone to #3. Maybe though he could have a long term affair that he hides from you. He'd be happy, and you would just assume he had finally decided he didn't "need" sex .

3) Leave. He may love you, but can't stand the idea of #1 or #2. It sounds like that is where he is now. 

A HD person is not going to ever decide that they just don't need sex anymore. No amount of nice dinners, love notes, or anything else will substitute. If you are starving, nothing except food will fix your problem. 


Those are his options, Which would you like him to take? Not that you really have a choice anymore, it sounds like he has picked #3. Probably the best option all around.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

john117 said:


> The alternative to fixing your marriage is to remain married with the chance your beaten up husband will turn into an emotional zombie if you're lucky and a Rasputin type if you're not lucky. I can tell you my no desire wife has ended up with the Rasputin type and she's not enjoying her no-sex-pressure days as much as she thought she would...
> 
> It's that simple.


My knowledge of Rasputin is reduced to a single line in the lyrics of an Indigo Girls song . Could you elaborate?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> He says he can't get of my EA and the factor that we aren't intimate nearly enough. He spent last night at one of his friend's houses and came home tonight in actually a pretty good mood. I had sent him at least 20 texts and called 5 times in which he didn't answer. Today he sent me some texts today throughout the day and seemed really happy and was saying how he felt better and wanted to have the evening together. He told me to save some energy from my cardio class today for him tonight. I didn't know what to say so I just replied "lol". He came home with dinner from a new place in town and was in a really good mood. It was nice to see him this way. After dinner he asked me if I would like a back massage and I told him it would be nice since I've been so tense. We went to the bed room and he gave me a back rub for about 15 minutes.


That is a very normal reaction. 

Most people who have finally had enough and gone and filed divorce immediately get swept up in feelings of romance and come home in a good mood to give their XWTB a back massage and take out from a new restaurant. Did he forget the massive bouquet of flowers? [/EXTREME SARCASM MODE]



> I told him I was extremely relaxed, tired, and wanted to take a bubble bath. He started kissing on me and unbuttoned my pants. I haven't felt well today so started making jokes to try and lighten the mood up. I could instantly tell that he was down again. We got up and as I started stripping to get into my bath he said "I was hoping to have sex tonight if you couldn't tell by my text." I just told him I haven't felt well today and am gassy. He's still here but just went to bed, I think he wants to give this another shot but I'm not sure. We didn't talk about what he said regarding D because I was enjoying the time today with him and the improved moods. I hope that we can work through this!


You must have had such a problem doing cardio while you felt unwell and had bad gas. How did you manage to get through it?

Did you use actual bubble bath or was that just your bad gas in the soapy water?

I'm still going with, now unbuttoned, pants on fire. I do have respect for the OP for the story she has come up with though.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> My knowledge of Rasputin is reduced to a single line in the lyrics of an Indigo Girls song . Could you elaborate?


Similar to my thoughts but I was thinking of Boney M.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Dazed: Let me, for one, say that a male' s sexual release(orgasm) feels so much better from PIV while not wearing a condom ~ naturally! The condom retards several tactile sensations that sans a condom does not! 

Given that, why don't you either consider birth control pills, or IUD's? They're easy, they're manageable, and what's better ~ they're very reliable! Please talk to your OB/GYN about them! It's either that, or just take your hubby orally, which ain't bad either! But it may not be your particular cup of tea, as it probably is his!

Unbridled, uninhibited sex with each other is a way of bonding, and by placing all of these prohibitions on it, you're taking away something from him that he probably considers next to holiness! Don't retard sex between the two of you; embrace it openly as if he is the only man on earth.

Go to see your Doctor ASAP and kick around some ideas with them. After all, sex is supposed to be the glue that helps bond the two of you together, and certainly not the chasm that ultimately tears you two apart!*


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> My knowledge of Rasputin is reduced to a single line in the lyrics of an Indigo Girls song . Could you elaborate?



He was an advisor to the Romanov family who ruled Russia before the revolution. A behind the scenes manipulating guy of epic proportions. All while appearing relatively normal and so on...

I'm not quite there yet. I am working on the beard part 

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grigori_Rasputin


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're husband has given you a VERY clear sign that the status quo is no longer acceptable to him. Either your relationship becomes more intimate, or you'll be single. So what are you willing to do about that? Have you booked an appointment for a therapist for yourself, to deal with your self esteem issues? 

C


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> unlike these other fools....


Says the person willing to risk farting in front of a room full of anonymous people, but not willing to have sex with her husband because of gas..


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I'm just not comfortable with oral or using my hand, I don't think I'm very good at it. To be honest I have very low self esteem and have a very poor view on my body. I am not confident at all about myself let alone in the bedroom..... There's the truth....


I've met a lot of people who have low self esteem and little confidence in themselves. I'm sure many others have too. 

It blows my mind how long they're willing to live like they do...

It floors me as to how much of their lives they let waste away... 

And, it saddens me to see them suffer in silence..

But, I ask myself ALL the time, why the hell don't they do something about it and start living a better life??

It IS very possible with counseling but _most_ don't. What are YOU going to do to improve BOTH your lives? Or, are you going to live a miserable existence?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Dazed, let me tell you what happens in a sexually mismatched marriage.

1) Cycle of rejection that destroys the self esteem of the rejected party. 
2) Anger, bargaining, trying numerous ways to balance the issue.
3) Detatchment and apathy. 
4) A loss of attraction for your partner. No desire for sex with your partner. The union at this point is vulnerable to infidelity and or divorce. 

I'm not sure how your husband managed to find the nerve to set himself up to be rejected by you once again but I imagine it was you blowing up his phone that caused him to think you did want him after all. I imagine after the backrub when you rejected him again there was a silent break somewhere in his heart and soul which he probably followed up with - how could I have been so stupid. Again. 

This just isn't going to work. You are destroying him. He's already at the point of walking. Just let him go so he can find someone that is a sexual partner - not a best friend and buddy - and in the future please make sure your future partners are aware of your narrow sexual boundaries. There are men out there who can match your sex drive and then this won't be an issue for you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MissScarlett said:


> There are men out there who can match your sex drive and then this won't be an issue for you.


Do you really believe this? 

I am guessing there might be some men like this, but the chance of her meeting one is pretty small!

I am thinking she should find a way to change her attitude or she is going to be alone for a long time. 

In reality, what will happen if he leaves her is she will find someone. And she will have no issues with bj's and hand jobs and semen. And all of a sudden she won't be tired and won't have gas ... until she has the guy hooked.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I honestly am not sure what would make me feel more confident in myself...... Thank you for talking to me like a human unlike these other fools....


Girl you are cracking me up!!&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833; Could you sell your story for a sitcom? You are seriously better than most shows on TV right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife has indicated she is not in the mood for sex due to the infestation of moths and mice in our house. This amounted to 3 holes in two sweaters and one field mouse caught and released.

OP's rejection reasons sound outright reasonable by comparison.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I can't stop giggling! Holy crap! OP, your personality is seriously cute! You are really unprepared for marriage but the way you express thought is very endearing.

Chin up! Sounds like you are sort of trying. I think you are just in over your head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> Do you really believe this?
> 
> I am guessing there might be some men like this, but the chance of her meeting one is pretty small!
> 
> ...


Dr. Phil calls this the bait and switch.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Do you really believe this?
> 
> I am guessing there might be some men like this, but the chance of her meeting one is pretty small!


Not necessarily. My ex found exactly that AFAIK (actually more like can't more like does not want to from what I can tell).

The real issue is that she is young and likes having her hot husband around. How much will she have to sacrifice in other wants to get a guy who will tolerate the lack of sex?

If she does not care about the rest, or is happy alone, then more power to her. But it seems like she wants the attractive, well-earning, romantic type who also is LD - that is what bring her back to reality.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> Do you really believe this?
> 
> I am guessing there might be some men like this, but the chance of her meeting one is pretty small!
> 
> ...


I do believe this because several of us ladies are married to LD men. I've thought for nearly 2 years now that we would all have great success matching up our LD spouses on this board with each other. 

I went 18 years myself with no oral or manual stimulation from my DH. He did not like it. It did nothing for him. So yes. There are men like the OP. (Although in my case things have improved. I can't say he enjoys it but I'm now getting equal treatment.)


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

The 2014-2015 hypocrite award:



> He knows that if he were to ever cheat I'd kick him out so fast it wouldn't even be funny.





> I was stupid several years ago and had an emotional affair and almost left him, yet he begged me to stay. He won't leave, trust me on that one.


And this masterpiece:



> I have decided I am going to file for d from this toxic relationship. I feel it will only get worse and if I can't trust him with sex who knows what else he has done dishonestly.





> My H came home from work about 1 hour ago and looked like someone killed his puppy. He sat me down and told me how much he loves me but he cannot keep going on like this. He said he met with an attorney to file for D today. I love this man more than anything and can't stand the though of losing him. What can I do to save this? He left for a bit but said he expects me to be gone when he comes back. I have no place to go except my parents, I can't afford to live on my own! I'm a hysterical mess and feel sick to my stomach, what can I do?!?!?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening MissSccarlett
If only there were some way for the LD and HD people here to be matched up correctly 

I wonder if that ever happens on forums like this. (No, I am most definitely not looking..)




MissScarlett said:


> I do believe this because several of us ladies are married to LD men. I've thought for nearly 2 years now that we would all have great success matching up our LD spouses on this board with each other.
> 
> I went 18 years myself with no oral or manual stimulation from my DH. He did not like it. It did nothing for him. So yes. There are men like the OP. (Although in my case things have improved. I can't say he enjoys it but I'm now getting equal treatment.)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

dazedandconfuzed80 said:


> I honestly am not sure what would make me feel more confident in myself...... Thank you for talking to me like a human *unlike these other fools....*


d&c... It's not nice to call people names on a forum.

:nono:


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I've read this whole thread, but since it spans months maybe I'm forgetting something. If so sorry.

That said, I don't recall seeing very much that the OP does for her husband (minus the one strip tease that probably just made him feel worse). It's not only HJ and BJ it's anything... sexual or not.

OP, he came to you giving it one last chance. Trying to make it work. He brought you dinner and gave you a nice backrub, which you eagerly accepted. And then you turn him away....AGAIN. It's probably too late now, but for future reference, STOP BEING A TAKER! He was showing you love in the way he felt you would appreciate hoping you would return the favor. Probably against his better judgment. It was a last ditch effort to save his marriage, I've been there. I only hope for his sake he finally sees you for the selfish taker that you are and never looks back. 

And I hope his workout buddy "blows" his socks off. 

Wishing you all you deserve,
IDK


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

dazed, I take no joy in your pain but please consider *this* for your husband. It may be pricey but probably cheaper than a divorce.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dogbert said:


> dazed, I take no joy in your pain but please consider *this* for your husband. It may be pricey but probably cheaper than a divorce.


Ohmygoodness!!!!


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I hate to say it. But I did in page 3 or 4 I think. This is playing out exactly like I said.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Dogbert said:


> dazed, I take no joy in your pain but please consider *this* for your husband. It may be pricey but probably cheaper than a divorce.


Really!!! 

I wish I did't look at the video. I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that. Well I guess that says it all. 

The losers who use these corpses, I wonder how they behave around real female butts, anuses and VJ's - the ones connected to the sentient human being who own them. Must be frustrating to have to deal with the reasoning part of a woman who just will not cooperate and present her parts for use.


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