# Wife of 12 years is leaving me



## Mr D (Feb 21, 2011)

I have been married to my wife for 12 years, 11 of which have been fairytale happy. But over the last year she seemed really distant and not happy. I spoke to her on loads of occasions and suggested fun things we could do together to enjoy our youth (As we're under 30). Suddenly, about 2 months ago she said that she was leaving me and that there were no negotiations. I pleaded and begged and talked and cried but nothing. I managed to get her talking a bit and she said that we don't do anything fun and that she wants to enjoy her youth!!!! 

Now alot has happened since then, she has slept with other guys, goes out drinking heavily every friday AND saturday and we have moved apart. The problem is that what we had was soooo perfect! As in, I'd never known anyone to be so happy!!! But now it's over (definitely) and I don't think I'll find that happiness again  I just want to stop feeling awful, waking up and thinking of what I've lost, so please, advice is much appreciated.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mr D said:


> I have been married to my wife for 12 years, 11 of which have been fairytale happy. The problem is that what we had was soooo perfect! As in, I'd never known anyone to be so happy!!!


I don't believe in fairytales. I also don't believe anything is perfect in this imperfect world. I read your post twice, and both times I was struck by the fact that a woman who was so seemingly happy and living in a fairytale romance marriage, would suddenly pull a 180 and start sleeping around and partying.

Apparently, she got up one morning, felt she had misspent her youth on being in a responsible, solid marriage (at least I get the feeling that's your impression), and decided -pfftt! - over and done. No room for discussion, negotiation, nothing.

It hurts to be rejected and I certainly feel your hurt, having gone through several bad breakups in my life. But could it be that you mistook her hapiness? In other words, maybe she was happy over another guy, or just hanging out with her friends after work.

Did you guys have a spectacular sex life? Did your wife often do the little things that mean so much, like buy you a card just because or squeeze your shoulder when she passed by?

Something doesn't quite seem right that a woman would be in a so-called "perfect" marriage and suddenly decide to bail.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> Apparently, she got up one morning, felt she had misspent her youth on being in a responsible, solid marriage (at least I get the feeling that's your impression), and decided -pfftt! - over and done. No room for discussion, negotiation, nothing.


Some call it a mid life crisis. Under 30 is a bit young but has their been pressure to start a family? Settle down? Perhaps she's rebelling in some way?

Sounds like you both need counseling. Chances are she won't do it so it's up to you. Plus you need to peel away the veneer and take a good, hard, honest look at what your marriage was like. Was it really a fairytale? 

Do you have kids? Sound like "no". If so, be thankful for some things. At least you don't have that burden and you are young and can rebuild.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

All I can say is do what your heart tells you to do without being needy. Start doing things for yourself in order for you to think and clarify what happened. Do not let yourself get caught up in what she is doing. Read my thread in this section about my wifes toxic freind... You will see what a marriage I had and then one day she decided to check out. She will regret it one day, when it is too late and you will be happy with someone who appreciates you. Good luck


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## Mr D (Feb 21, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. Obviously, as with any marriage, there were minor problems that we sorted out together. But the reason I say 'fairytale' is that we always spoke about how we felt. Happy or sad, anything. She was the one who wanted to spend all of her time with me and not with friends (which is how it was before we were together). I am being realistic, there were times when we were annoyed at each other but because we talked it out and had that commitment it was always resolved (fully).

Then suddenly... BAM! Different person, different values, ideals, aspirations... bad ones at that. Even her friends and family say she's changed completely!

But that's not the real problem. The problem is how I feel. I know it can never go back to how it was but will I find anything close to what we had? Dating is so difficult and it's not a nice feeling constantly thinking that what I had was better


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

Sounds to me like there was underlying circumstances that you might not have known about. She had to have been keeping something from you. 
For someone to completely flip the other direction for no apparent reason does not sound very possible.
I have had a friend who married his wife very young and she slowly started getting involved emotionally with someone else and ultimately left the marriage.
Also with myself, I thought I had a textbook marriage until the same thing happened to me. She slipped away with someone emotionally and then physically. 
It hurts tremendously bad when the person you love does that to you. But also, as with myself, there was a trigger placed in the marriage that neither one of us was willing to see but it ultimately was pulled.
The best thing I have every read was that both parties need to take responsibility for the fault of the marriage. Now if she did have an affair then she is 100% at fault for that.

We all have our struggles and I have to agree with the post earlier. Life is not fair and is not perfect. All we can do is pick up the pieces and look for a way to make ourselves happy.

Hang in there!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Understandably you're still reeling and confused from the loss of your marriage. Just keep hanging in there...it gets better with that 4-letter word (time). Honestly.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

She's been in some sort of EA or PA with someone else for the last year most likely.

Start digging up the dirt.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

D,
This crap is tough and when we get hit its not how we get knocked down that matters, its how we get back up that counts.

So get your butt out of the rut your in and start thinking about the future and what new thing you will find.

Stop thinking in the past. You are still to young to think about what you had but what you will find and who you will find.

Please stop cring and begging and show her that you are better then that. All that drinking and sleeping around, that will led no were. Protect your self and save some money and go out there and take on the world. Once she sees how confident you are and she sees you succeed in life she will be kicking her self once she solbers up. Most likely she will drink even more.

Stop worring about her and the past. Worry about yourself and enjoy the free time you now have, use this time to make your self better then her and she will see the great guy that you are. Go back to school. 

Soon you will have a great life and your wife will have STD's a bastered child and waiting on tables when she's 50. She will die alone in a house full of cats regretting the dicisions shes has made in her youth.

You can not controll that but you can control what you do and what you want out of life. Buck up and no begging. Show her that she is making a misstake and stop contacting her. Go out and get and do some of the finner things in life. When she sees you doing better then her she will be then one cring and begging and pleading.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

If you've been together for 12 years and are still not 30 you guys must have gotten together pretty young.

If you have both been doing the responsible thing since your teens I think I could see her feeling she missed out on a stage of life and wanting to experience it. 

I have no suggestions on what a person can do in this situation. Obviously she really felt she needed to do have this stage or forever regret it. There is a possibility that when she see's what is out there as an alternative she will realize just what it was she gave up but whether you'd be willing to wait or even take her back after all this is going to be your decision.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tpb makes apoint about "missed out", Id would like to add that they both missed out and if one needs to have these experiences then they should include there spouse.
Granted its a pain to work all day and then go out with your spouse to relive your twenties agian. They both need to comprimise, and work it out, hey this is a promarraige site.
Main thing here is if they are going to make it work they need to go out and do thing together and be best friend.
She is leaving him at night. Is he offering to go out with her?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

10 to 1, she had a toxic friend who reintroduced her to the swinging single party-girl lifestyle.
And 10 to 1, some years down the road, when she's been thru a string of losers, liars, cheaters and guys who abuse her, she will look back, and then realize what she really had.
Happened to one of our family friends, and now she keeps hinting that she wants to get back with him, but he will have none of it-she already had her chance.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

F-102 said:


> 10 to 1, she had a toxic friend who reintroduced her to the swinging single party-girl lifestyle.
> And 10 to 1, some years down the road, when she's been thru a string of losers, liars, cheaters and guys who abuse her, she will look back, and then realize what she really had.
> Happened to one of our family friends, and now she keeps hinting that she wants to get back with him, but he will have none of it-she already had her chance.


This is what happened to me, my thread is based on the TOXIC FRIEND. Let me tell you once they taste that it is hard to control until they run into a brick wall and realise what she had and now it is gone. You will prevail from this, I am going through the same thing my friend and it is hard to swallow. You will be the first witness to see her begging you to come back, by then it will be too late and she will be kicking herself in the azz for the rest of her life.


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