# do I have to take sides?



## yazito (Apr 13, 2009)

Due to financial situations my husband and I moved with my family to a house we are(my brother,my sisters and us)all buying. We have 2 kids and since their birth my mom has been taking care of them while my husband and I work. His sister recently lost her job and for some weird reason he thought that she would find a job faster here where we live. He ended up paying more than $2500 to finish all her debts so she could come without worries(money that was destined for our vacation).I get along fairly well with her but I get a really weird vibe from her like she is trying to take control of us somehow or at least of my husband. Like the other day I go into our room and I find him watching a very violent movie in front of the kids and I told him that he couldn't. He got mad at me and after 4 days of not talking to me I confronted him and he said that I was trying to control him like I was his boss but I thought that since It was a given that we could not watch(and we have never watched) that kind of movies with our kids present he would understand that it was wrong(our kids are 5 and 3).To make matters worst he got into an argument with my mom over the kids while I was at work and for what I heard from him and my mom I seriously believe that he was acting like an ingrate and an ass. I found it very hard to digest because he was always nice to my mom and he got along with her very good. I cannot deny that we have been very stressed but I really think that the fact that his sister is here is affecting his judgment. Now my mother is not that willing to take care of my kids until he apologizes and Im kind of affraid of him because he might turn into this ass that he is turning into.I can't stop working because our finantial problems and I don't want to ask his sister because she is not even a nice loving aunt. She makes my son cry just by talking to him for 5 minutes(most of the time she nags him and he can't stand her). Believe me, I am trying not to be biased but it's hard not to be . Now I don't know if I should try and get him to apologize if possible or just cry. Any advice would be very welcome.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

You were right to remind your husband that small children shouldn't be watching violent movies/TV... I have an 11 year old, and even she is not allowed to watch anything over a PG movie... she's a child afterall..

I think the fact that you're living with family, especially his sister, who you think might be butting in... is not going to be that great in the long run, and as you see it's already causing problems.

Not speaking to you for 4 days, is a bit extreme, for any argument, much less one where he should have known better than to let his kids watch something that was violent. 

Is there any way you can move out, just the two of you? His sister does Not need to live with you. And , I hope he paid all his sisters bills with your consent, because I would Never allow my husband to pay off all his siblings debt like that. That is not his repsonsibility, that money should be used for you, and his kids. For his family. 

I would get him into some marital counseling fast, let him learn a bit about personal boundaries, and respect... 

And if possible... get his sister out of the house. Insist she get a job and move out.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---Not speaking to you for 4 days, is a bit extreme, for any argument---

I disagree here. NOBODY likes it when a spouse tries to boss him/her around, and it is natural to rebel even on an issue he is "wrong" over, like the violent movies.

I think you also need to cut him some slack. No matter how well you get along with a roommate, there are always times when it is tough not having your own space. Maybe there is more going on than you know, and he is extra stressed and depressed.

---try and get him to apologize if possible or just cry---

To me, this sounds like manipulation. Both of these actions you state have the goal of getting him to do something he doesn't want to do, through the use of force.

Given that you just had a fight about you trying to boss him around, do you really think it is wise to use manipulation?

When my gf tries that on me, I get very angry. I feel that I never resort to those tactics with her, yet she constantly tries them on me. One day, she will push me too far, and she will learn that I can take away a LOT more than she can.


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## yazito (Apr 13, 2009)

I understand what you mean by bossing him around. I really try not to do that but he must understand as a grown up as he is what is wrong. When I told him that the children could not see that movie I took it as a reminder given that we had previously agreed not to watch it with the kids. As about my mom, I talked to him and ask him if he could talk to my mother and he said no. I didn't push him but I told him that this situation just puts me in between. My mother still mad at him and they don't talk to each other. A few years back he got mad at my sister and didn't talk to her for over a year and the time he got mad at my brother lasted only a few month so I am used to this situation somehow and I never pressured him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont know what is going on with your H, but you need to be supportive of him. He flipped out over the movie probably because he's been feeling this way for a long time, and its just boiling over. 

If your H is feeling disrespected talk to him about it. Find out what's really bothering him but let him know how he feels is important to you. dont write him off as an a**. would you want him to do that to you if you had strong feelings about something?


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