# lost



## bubbanj (Oct 10, 2021)

ok, i am in my 50's. kids grown but at home due to covid, we have been in counseling but that doesn't matter. after years of counseling and fights, it turns out my wife who i trusted with the finances has pulled all the money out of our retirement accounts and forged our taxes to keep me from knowing. yes i checked the taxes, she redid them, she told me and two counselors everything there was fine her credit card problems were minor. 60% of the money is gone to interest and taxes, i am gutted. yes, i am an idiot, i should have demanded the accounts earlier, i should have accepted that bigger fight instead of the constant fighting trying to get even a budget. i know my marriage is over, i know i have to start again, and i am scared stupid. its 250k gone, i knew about the first 50, but didnt think she would log in and pillage our retirement account, yes she was the one who handled the household expenses. it turns out her business went bad years ago and though she has been dutifully in her office she made about half of what she was saying she did. this has been a two year fight and i failed, when it first happened in 2019, i backed off after paying the debt i knew about, i worried about over stressing her and was trying to ease into it. that was my mistake. i know i screwed up, but i am so cash poor we cannot separate from the house yet. i need tips for dealing with my feelings of inadequacy and anger.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well on the bright side it's an opportune time to divorce because there's nothing to split.

You may find that once you are free you'll save a shocking amount of money.

Don't know if this will help but a friend in her mid 40's got divorced and despite making 6 figures for many years had almost nothing thanks to a hb who refused to work during their 20 year marriage and spent everything she made. 

Now that she's free of him she's saved quite a bit of money.

What kind if income do you make? What does she do?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Get an attorney and get some advice. You might consider having her criminally charged for forging your name on the taxes. You both might be better off if she is in jail.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Cynthia said:


> You might consider having her criminally charged for forging your name on the taxes.


By all means, yes. You can force her into restitution instead of you. You are not responsible for her heinous (and criminal) actions. Neither are you "inadequate"..... this is not your fault. If your wife doesn't respect God, she damn sure ain't gonna respect you.

Maybe when she walks out of the slam at 60 she will have learned something. I doubt it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would consider using all of her financial transgressions as a bargaining chip in your divorce, you may have enough evidence to charge her, and she may concede to anything you put on paper, this may not completely help with your anger but it may help you gain the bulk of what if left to you. Right now put aside your feelings and think about what is best for you financially then address processing your feelings.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

One of the things that helps with anger is being paid restitution. If you don't do something about this, it will eat away at you. Don't seek revenge, seek restitution and justice. Get this resolved. Do not let her off the hook, because it's not going to do any good to enable her bad behavior.

Also, it is easier to let go of your anger and feeling that she owes you a pound of flesh if you are able to work through it and hold her accountable for her actions. Make no mistake, what your wife did was a criminal act. She has no concern for what is right, but she can be help accountable for her actions. You have several options her civil and criminal. As mentioned above, you may have to forgo criminal charges in order to take everything that's left for yourself in a divorce. 
If you hold criminal prosecution over her head, she may just let go of everything that's left, so you can at least have something. Do not delay on this. It's now or never.


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