# Sex rare with my wife, i think she may not be attracted to me anymore...



## TDonohue8503 (May 30, 2009)

My wife and i have been married for a little over two years now, she just gave birth to our son in November this past year. When we started dating we had no problems with sex, we did it like rabbits. some times 3 times a day. It slowed down a little after we got married which i expected, but it was still good. Within the past year, it has slowed waay down, and the quality isnt the same either. She never initiates with me, unless i have asked her previously and she turned me down. I think then she initiates because she feels bad. When we do have sex it never seems like i please her even though she says i do. Yet she never screams or moans when she orgasms like she used too, and also i just feel like she is happy when it is over. I really don't understand, because i know i am pretty good in the sack, and i know i used to please her, and i have only gotten better as i have learned her body and such, but nothing. I have tried everything short of sex therapy, which i dont think she would do anyways. Everythime i try to talk about it she just gets mad at me and doesnt want to talk about it. I have never really been much for looking at porn and masturbating, but i have begun to do this recently to fill in the gaps between sex, and to make up for the un-fulfilling sessions we have now and then. I really need to figure this out, because i am finding myself becoming increasingly depressed, hopeless and frustrated. I feel trapped because we have my son so i can't divorce her without feeling horrible. I try not to let it bother me, but it is really getting me down lately. I feel like punching holes in the wall. Also lately it has been like she wants less and less to do with me even though she wants us to go out and do stuff, when we she wants to go home really soon. I know a lot of people are going to say talk to her, but i have, we have been to a marriage counselor and everything she knows what i want and need and still refuses to do it despite what i do to please her. please help!


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

what did the marriage therapist tell you all? From the way you are talking (talking about porn and masterbating, talking about divorcing her if it wasn't for the baby, etc) it honestlly does not sound like you have been to therapy. These are things they would have addressed. That is all very immature talk. Porn and masterbating will DESTROY your marriage and your relationship. Stop it immediately. She doesn't feel like it like she once did. There are other things more important in her life right now. A child for one thing...I am sure there are other things, I just don't know what. If you are not being sensitive to her other needs and helping her out and being a great man, then hell no she doesn't wanna make love with you. It would not matter how "good in the sack" you think you are, she sounds like me and could obviously care less. She needs you in other areas and other ways, and I assure you if you figure out those areas and fullfill them, she will open up more sexually even if it is just for you. Good luck...I know you said don't tell you to talk to her cause you have...I got news honey, COMUNICATION is the key to any relationship. Its not "I did" you have to talk CONSTANTLY....constantly communicate to make it work. You have a lot to learn and I hope you do. It is sad you have said divorce over sex.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I both agree and disagree with the last poster.

Agree: you have to keep the lines of communication open. Yes, it is two-way street, you should not have to be the only one initiating communication, intimacy, connection. However, if she is shutting you out, something is el wrongo. 

Disagree: porn and masturbation is ruining your marriage. You seeking a sexual outlet is not ruining your marriage. However, if you are obsessed with sexual outlets that can put a wall between yo and your wife. Especially if she is already shutting you out. If your wife just feels like you're no different to you than wacking to porn you definitely are not going to have an improved sex life or what at all. Again, something is el wrongo.

I recommend that you stop thinking like you've checked off a to do list in all the things you have tried to connect with your wife sexually.

See, the point is not just to push the right buttons so she will both have sex with you and enjoy it like a shrieking porn star.

The point is reconnect with her, the person. If you do that, the rest falls into place organically.

I recommend that you go back and try to reconnect with her. ask her to talk to you about what's on her mind. Don't get defensive. Don't tell her she is failing you.

Start there.


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## TDonohue8503 (May 30, 2009)

well i mean it isnt like i do the porn thing all the time, it is a once a week kind of thing. As far as addressing her needs, i am, and have been. I had trouble with it before simply because i didn't know what they were. I learned that through the counseling and she has even told me she appreciates how much more i help her around the house, and step up helping the baby and stuff like that. Yet i still have seen no change in the bedroom. I cant count on all my hands and feet how many times i have tried to re-connect with her as a person and try and figure out what i am doing wrong for it to be like this, most the time i bring anything up about this area she clams up, cries, or gets angry, or all three. The lines of communication are definitely open, it just seems that i am the only one talking and trying to make things good. Why is it sad that i would contemplate divorce if i am in a near sexless marriage with a spouse that i dont feel is into me? Are you kidding me? Sex is one of the most important parts of a marriage and goes hand in hand with communication, trust, and just plain love. If you don't believe that, then thats cool, but we both knew what was important to the other when we got married, and she seems to have lost sight of that. I have NEVER told my wife that i thought she was failing me, i have always just told her that she knows what i want and need, and that i wish she would try harder than she is to meet those needs. All i am asking for is effort, and thus far i have seen none. Advice?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Oh, I'm with you that sex is important. I'm just trying to tell you that an elaborate ass-kissing ritual merely designed to part her knees is not going to work over the long haul--especially once she figures out that is what is going on.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

About the "she's not moaning/screaming anymore" thing...most women will be much more quiet in bed when there's a baby in the house, or even older kids for that matter.

She doesn't want to wake the kid up.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

You have an infant in the house? And sex has gone downhill in the past year? OF COURSE!!!!

What you are describing is very normal, and very common. New stress, new responsibilities, new chores. A whole new needy person in the house. You are both more stressed and more tired than ever. And now a lot of the attention you had for each other is diverted onto your child. This is all very normal.

You say you have talked to her about it. Does she understand that it isn't really about orgasm? That sex, for you, is how you feel connected in the relationship? That it is the sex that reassures you that everything is OK between you? That it is the biggest thing that she can do to show her love for you?

The thing is, that adding that third little person in the house changes things. A Lot. Both of you will have to recognize that it has changed, and work harder at your own relationship because of it.

Has your marriage counselor suggested any reading, like "Babyproof your Marriage"
Amazon.com: Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows (9780061173547): Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, Julia Stone: Books
Babyproofing Your Marriage - How to laugh more, argue less, and communicate better as your family grows
or another book
"Childproofing Your Marriage"
Amazon.com: Childproofing Your Marriage (9780781441445): Debbie Cherry, Dr. Debbie L. Cherry: Books

Good luck, and as your child gets older, it gets easier. The trick is to keep the spark alive through this period so that when it does get easier, the two of you can flare back to life. At least that's the theory.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Yep, having a baby can really have an affect on the bedroom. Sleep deprivation can be a huge part. 

Does she seems less enthusiastic about other things since the baby? 

You said that she wants to come home quickly when you go out... self esteem/body issues maybe? Also, sometimes women find it difficult to snap out of 'mommy mode' right into sex goddess.  Have you taken her away for a romantic weekend just the two of you, since the baby? 

She needs to know how badly this is affecting you, if she doesn't already. And she needs to know this is making you think the D word.


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## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

I can only tell you this from my view, sex is not what she is REALLY seeking. It seems like she is missing the emotional aspect of the marriage. Things have changed because she WAS just your lover and wife. NOW roles have changed. She only had to think about you & "busting it" . Today, she is FIRST MOTHER, then chef, then household maintenance, then everything else which is your wife's new gig. Sadly being your "3 times a day" lady is priority number negative zero. I feel your pain because men & women view sex/intimacy differently. I'm curious to know what was done or not done to make her "shut down" like this. Think about how she feels as a individual 1st, why DID she change. I don't think this is a black & white issue. PLEASE seek couple or individual counseling. I know I need to .


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

If she has lost interest in things in addition to your sex life, and is feeling overwhelemd by the responsibility of the first child, marriage and making it all work, its very possible that she could be suffering from Post Partum Depression. It's common for it to occur up to a year after birth,and it can really do a number on her esteem AND your realitonship. It is something she needs to talk about with her OB/GYN. They can help her get back on track. 

You seem so focused on what YOU need and what YOU want and what YOU are missing; i'm afraid you may be oblivious to the fact that your wife, very well may be falling to peices in front of you, and all you are doing is telling her about YOU. If you love her, encourage her to talk to her doctor so he can assess her for PPD. 
Please understand that I am NOT the type of woman to advocate a sexless marriage, nor do I believe that sex ends when the kids come, but I am reading your posts and I really think you are missing the bigger picture and whatever marriage therapist you guys saw should not be practicing if they missed what seem to be blatant signs of possible PPD. Help your wife.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think it is totally fair to tell her that you need to have an important talk and that she needs to stay calm and engaged and help you solve what you consider a big problem. If she refuses to discuss it, I think you need to consider your options. I LOVE my wife, and she me, NEITHER of us would allow the other to DENY us a conversation about something big that was bothering us. 

If she agrees to talk, I would ask:
- Overall how happy are you in our marriage? 
- What things are good/best
- What things are hardest/worst
- How well do you feel I treat you day to day
- Do you think I love/care for and support you as much now as I did when we first married

- Do you know how bad our current sexual relations leaves me feeling
- What do you think is causing this? (do not let her give you BS answers to this one - and she will likely try - this is the key to the whole thing - she knows - but is afraid to tell you for some reason_


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## bill69 (Jan 29, 2010)

I am with you brother 
Your situation is about the same as mine.
I would dare to say i have tried more than you. 
I am successful, been there for her in tough situations.
yet, she is cold. 
only her friends make her happy 
it is all BS. your a man, she knows the story/game.
bs i tell you
myself, i am done trying.


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