# he loves me but isn't in love with me.



## medes90 (Dec 14, 2015)

Where do I even begin. When we met I was absolutely on cloud nine. He was handsome, funny, kind, thoughtful and he was so interested in me. In the 4 years we lived together things were great at first. I will be the first to admit that I slowly got too comfortable and stopped caring about myself. I gained weight, and stopped feeling good about myself. Slowly he stopped caring about me too. 

He started working later, and spending more time away from home. This made me feel worse and I started getting really depressed and moody. I would yell at him and argue about unimportant things. I felt so depressed I got lazy and wasn't taking care of the house like I should have. I was a mess. 

After months of this we had a huge fight and I told him that I am depressed and have a problem. I promised I would go to the doctor and work things out but shortly after that I thought in my head that I don't actually have a problem. I never went to the doctor. I honestly felt like I was ok and he was just ganging up on me. 

About a year later we were fighting again and he told me he wasn't happy with me. He wanted to leave me. I realized again that I did indeed have a problem with depression and anxiety and I made an appointment right away. I was prescribed medication and I can honestly say I feel like a new person. I am happier now. I feel like I have more energy and I no longer snap for no reason. Problem is he feels like the damage is done and there's nothing left for us to work on. 

Now we are separated and he doesn't have feelings for me. He said he needs time by himself to be happy again. He doesn't believe that I have changed as actions speak louder than words. He tells me he loves me and cares about me but he's not in love with me. 

I know I messed up. He knows he did at times too. He can't find it in him to forgive me. Which I understand. Is there any hope for us again in the future? Do I just get over it and move on? I can admit my faults but it isn't good enough for him right now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, you did mess up. At this point, concentrate on getting to the best version of yourself that you can. Stay on the meds, work out to lose the weight, take care and pride in your appearance and in keeping up your home. He may take notice of the positive changes. 

However....

Have you done any work to find out if he is or has been with someone else? I have a strong feeling there is another woman in this picture somewhere.


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## medes90 (Dec 14, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, you did mess up. At this point, concentrate on getting to the best version of yourself that you can. Stay on the meds, work out to lose the weight, take care and pride in your appearance and in keeping up your home. He may take notice of the positive changes.
> 
> However....
> 
> Have you done any work to find out if he is or has been with someone else? I have a strong feeling there is another woman in this picture somewhere.


He says there is nobody. That he just wants to be alone for a while to figure himself out and be happy.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The ILUBINILWU is a classic tell for adultery, but usually from woman, who are normally not emotionally able to have sex with more than 1 person at a time. But it does apply to men also. 

But some of issues you mention are very problematic and could have pushed him away. I'll probably be dinged by woman for this but letting yourself go physically is a problem. Men are very visual. If you don't have it going on physically, woman can compensate with their feminine wiles. But with you being a depress be-otch, your hubby is getting nothing. It's only so much that a guy can take.

But if you work on yourself, it could be turned around. It's easier for a woman to win back her man's heart than it is for a man to do the same. You need to hit the gym HARD. Spin classes will do wonders for a woman. Cut back on simple carbs. I'm not saying you have to starve yourself into some swimsuit model but getting back to what you were before will help the marriage and your mood. I also recommend that you find a hobby that can get you out socializing. Having positive friends doing an activity can also help your mood.

So don't give up. Get to work on yourself. You're husband has heard it before, he will only respond to ACTION. He has to see it. The good thing about the work you do is that if he doesn't come around, trust me, other men will want to snatch up a woman that has it going on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You should get yourself better *for you*.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

medes90 said:


> He says there is nobody. That he just wants to be alone for a while to figure himself out and be happy.


Lol, that's classic. Yes, he's with somebody. Only laughing at the déjà vu. I'm very sorry. Only choice you have is a hard one-- move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Married men don't leave to go be alone - they wait until they have a soft place to land.

Married men who love and respect their wives - and don't have someone else on the side - don't leave.

Take it from someone who knows.


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## medes90 (Dec 14, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Married men don't leave to go be alone - they wait until they have a soft place to land.
> 
> Married men who love and respect their wives - and don't have someone else on the side - don't leave.
> 
> Take it from someone who knows.


He has a business and is always busy. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

medes90 said:


> He has a business and is always busy. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else.


Think again.

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

medes90 said:


> He has a business and is always busy. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else.


Yes he is my dear. I'm sorry


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

medes90 said:


> He has a business and is always busy. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else.


Uh huh. He's busy. I guess separating from you kinda solves that problem....

You don't want to believe there's someone else. You don't want to believe it's over. Vain hope. 
I know how badly you're hurting. But nothing that hurts this much can last forever. It'll get better with time ONCE you accept it's over. You're nowhere near that. Whether there is someone else or not, separations almost always end in divorce. As hard as it seems, you will get over it. 
And if you're willing to solve your major problems, you will have to beat the men off with a stick.

Being in denial makes you hurt longer. Try to accept he's gone. It will only get better when you do.
I'm very sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I think you should stop worrying about whether there is "someone else" in his life. At this point it doesn't really matter, because the point is that he apparently - at least right now - doesn't want to be with you.

So what can you do about that? I commend you for being honest of your role in this situation - letting yourself go, etc. However, if depression was affecting that at the time, and now you can change those things since starting treatment, then CHANGE THOSE THINGS. That is the only hope you really have. Do it for you, though. Because you WANT to be that person. Not to get anyone "back". If that happens, then gravy. But what you really need to worry about now is to find the best person you can be, and the rest will come.

In the end, you may find that you don't really want him back, even if he does. Sometimes it really just is about timing.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

medes90 said:


> I know I messed up. He knows he did at times too. He can't find it in him to forgive me. Which I understand. Is there any hope for us again in the future? Do I just get over it and move on? I can admit my faults but it isn't good enough for him right now.


It's not just about forgiving you. He had to experience your depression as well, and probably doesn't have a lot of good times to balance it out. It's hard living with a person who has depression, and he probably feels the need to recover and find himself again, too.

You do need to move on. He may never overcome his own bad feelings about that time. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to change his mind.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

We don't know what's going on with him. He might just be working and trying to clear his head and prepare himself to move on. But it doesn't matter. You do this for you. If there is live there he will be glad to see you getting better. And in any event you will be in a better place to be a better partner for him or someone else in the future. Good luck


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## save marriages (Dec 15, 2015)

There's no easy way to be happy especially when it comes to marriage and relationship, the best way to make it work is always with Love and Respect. Having Negative thoughts are not healthy, try to have an honest talk with him (not nagging), I am sure there's a deep reason for his actions


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

medes90 said:


> Where do I even begin. When we met I was absolutely on cloud nine. He was handsome, funny, kind, thoughtful and he was so interested in me. In the 4 years we lived together things were great at first. *I will be the first to admit that I slowly got too comfortable and stopped caring about myself. I gained weight, and stopped feeling good about myself.* Slowly he stopped caring about me too.
> 
> He started working later, and spending more time away from home. This made me feel worse and I started getting really depressed and moody. *I would yell at him and argue about unimportant things. I felt so depressed I got lazy and wasn't taking care of the house like I should have.* I was a mess.
> 
> ...



Before the "there's another woman" train goes completely off the rails.
Looking at some of the bold statements:
1) How much did you let yourself go?
2) How often were you yelling at him?
3) How often were you lying to him?


You made the comment that he doesn't believe you've changed. That's odd considering you claim to be much better. 
Have you not changed?
Are you still in the old habit of fighting with him? (this is a killer here, especially if he's coming home to you screaming at him all the time)
What have you done to show that you are changing?

You have described yourself as something that I know I wouldn't want to be around. I would want to be away on my own as well so I could look inside myself as to why I was with you.

You need to get healthy for you.
You need to get your house in order for you.
You need to get yourself in order for you.

If you can't do that, how can you be there for someone else - these are things he needs to see. He needs to see you and your actions in a positive light.


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## save marriages (Dec 15, 2015)

"It takes two to Tango" as the saying goes, meaning Both of you have to do your part in the relationship, It's not just about you anymore, Your not strangers your a couple...............


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Just because he has left, DOES NOT mean there is someone else. TAM is very good at throwing that around and we see it all the time. Now, i will say that Most of the time there is, but until there is actual hard proof of a extra person in this marriage, it's all speculation... 
What the OP needs to do is go into investigation mode, chk the phone records, CC bills.. But until then i think we need to stop throwing around this other person in there marriage.


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## medes90 (Dec 14, 2015)

Sammy64 said:


> Just because he has left, DOES NOT mean there is someone else. TAM is very good at throwing that around and we see it all the time. Now, i will say that Most of the time there is, but until there is actual hard proof of a extra person in this marriage, it's all speculation...
> What the OP needs to do is go into investigation mode, chk the phone records, CC bills.. But until then i think we need to stop throwing around this other person in there marriage.



Thank you. I know for a fact he isn't seeing anyone else. That's not the issue here.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Please do check the phone bill if you have access to it. My ex gave me the I Love You But Im Not In Love With You speech JUST before she said she wanted D. It had NEVER been discuseed in our 7 1/2 year marriage. After she said she wanted D, I checked the phone records and sure enough she had been talking to another guy. 

Then, I would recommend doing the 180 to start taking care of YOU. (the side effect of working on yourself is that sometimes the partner notices and the attraction is sparked, but the true value of this is that whenever you do end up alone, you will be strong, proud and confident with your body, yourself and where you are going). 

Take care.


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