# Just friends of should I pull back?



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Hello ladies, I'd like to get your insight on a situation with a co-worker. I'm 38m married for 12 years with 2 kids. It's a very roommate like situation at home. I need affection from my wife but she's not giving it. Maybe that's why I'm seeing things that might not be what I think.

There's a younger woman (21) that I work with and I can't figure out if she's just a work friend or if she's looking for more. Let me say, I do not want to be anything other than smoke break buddies with her. So I'd like to list things she's done or said to make me wonder and get your input. I will make it clear that I'm not interested if it's detemined to be needed, but I don't want to jump to conclusions and embarass her and myself if it's not.

Ok, here goes.

Things that make me think she's flirting....

She has one time touched my butt, in a kinda joking way.
She mentioned she hasn't had sex in over a year.
She body checked me into a wall and said "sorry, that's how I flirt" again kinda joking.
When she calls my desk to see if I want to go out to smoke she will sometimes say "Do you want to go out with me?" or "You wanna go out back and make out?"
She seemed on a few occasions to be "presenting". Sitting up on my desk and stuff like that.

Things that make me think she's not interested....

The BIGGEST thing is that she's said 30 is petty much her top age limit for dating.
She told me about her recent gyno visit.
Told me when she had a yeast infection. Said that the area was out of service.
Has given the coverup body language.
Commented on another guy at work being hot.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Avoid this kid like the plague! The only thing goofier than a married 38 year old father getting involved with a 21 year old is one who does so at work. Absolutely nothing good can possibly come of this but a whole ration of crap certainly will.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If she continues you can talk to someone in HR, most of what your mention is sexual harassment. Don't get too flattered she is trash I'm sure you are not the only one she is flirting with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whenever you see a big hunk of "free" cheese, look for the trigger mechanism.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Absolutely NOT looking to get involved with anyone, work together or not. I hesitated to put this thread up because I knew it would sound like I was, but seeing one of the threads about OSF got me thinking. If it's something that needs to be nipped I have no problem doing so. But I don't want to make a big deal out of something that isn't.

Now, if there's cheese involved, I can't be responsible for my actions.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Nothing good can come of this. IMO


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you weren't having a little conversation with the devil in your head, why was it necessary to inform us that you and your wife were living as roommates? Why would you be curious to know if she was looking for something "more"? If you weren't interested, what she wanted would be irrelevant. If you weren't interested, your lack of affection from your wife would be irrelevant. A great place to address any situation is to be honest about it.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If you weren't having a little conversation with the devil in your head, why was it necessary to inform us that you and your wife were living as roommates? Why would you be curious to know if she was looking for something "more"? If you weren't interested, what she wanted would be irrelevant. If you weren't interested, your lack of affection from your wife would be irrelevant. A great place to address any situation is to be honest about it.


You're right, I have had that little conversation. I wasn't thinking anything would actually happen, but I guess the fact that it's crossed my mind means it has become a problem. You're all correct. Nothing good can come of this, and it could get messy real quick. Could be nothing, but not worth the risk.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Phuck the co worker, she will screw up your life, but your wife on the other hand, if given the reality, has a choice to either work this sh1t out or move on!

What I mean it your old lady deserve the option to either bail or not but she deserve the choice to face the consequences of being in this roommate bull crap or get out so the both of you can get/find a happy relationship.


WTF, do you thick your chick is happy with this roommate bull crap, or is she also looking to some of the good stuff from some one that can ....apoligize for how they flirt.

as far as you know you chick is getting it from some other guy, thats why you are just room mates!

My point, open up this can of worms and face the painfully crap with your wife before you decide to deceive the living hell out of this women.

My point... tell your old lady your out of here and why, it will be her choice to step up and take it like a big girl or not.

so phuck it, let me judge you....

what your doing is wrong and from were I'm sitting your not going to get any confirmation from me with regard to your half @ss question that beats around the real matter at hand!

Pull back, address the marriage then address your new options once you and your old lady have come to term.

I bet if your coworker saw how confident you were in either taking her no matter what or how confident you were in your marriage she would run for the hills.

I suspect that she (the co worker) sees a wishy washy guy that she can play with, and once her new toy takes charge one way or another it will scare the crap out of her.

If some chick started talking to me about her gyno exam, I'd grap her and tell her she needs a second opinion...but thats just me , thats how I'm wired. And while my wife pulled her clothes off I'd be putting her in the sturips.


No wonder why I have no female coworkers as friends, my wife keeps chasing them away by trying to take their cloths off....or is it me. LOL


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Things that make me think she's flirting....

She has one time touched my butt, in a kinda joking way. Flirting (in a CRUDE way)
She mentioned she hasn't had sex in over a year. Letting you know she wouldn't mind having sex with you
She body checked me into a wall and said "sorry, that's how I flirt" again kinda joking. Letting you know she wouldn't mind having sex with you
When she calls my desk to see if I want to go out to smoke she will sometimes say "Do you want to go out with me?" or "You wanna go out back and make out?" Flirting
She seemed on a few occasions to be "presenting". Sitting up on my desk and stuff like that. Flirting

Things that make me think she's not interested....

The BIGGEST thing is that she's said 30 is petty much her top age limit for dating. She doesn't want to "date" you, she just wants to have sex with you. She is looking for a permanent bf in the lower age range, but she's horny and available.
She told me about her recent gyno visit. Flirting (in a CRUDE manner); wants you to think about her sexually
Told me when she had a yeast infection. Said that the area was out of service. Flirting (in a CRUDE manner); wants you to think about her sexually
Has given the coverup body language.
Commented on another guy at work being hot. Still horny, still available. 



> I will make it clear that I'm not interested if it's detemined to be needed, but I don't want to jump to conclusions and embarass her and myself if it's not.


 Okay, time to man-up and make the pronouncement CLEARLY that you're NOT interested in her! She will, of course (to save face), claim that YOU'RE CRAZY, that she was NEVER COMING ON to you, that you're totally fantasizing and misunderstanding, blah, blah, blah! She's full of shyt! 

She's trying to see if you're interested in taking care of her 'no sex in a year' problem (which I totally don't believe, because if she's THIS EASY then SOME dude would have taken her on...even as a one-off!)

Tell her YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED!
Quit being her smoking-buddy...change your schedule.
Talk to your wife HUMBLY about what is wrong in your marriage (you're BOTH unhappy, you BOTH have unmet needs) then AGREE to WORK on the solution, or consider moving on. Think about getting some marriage counseling to help you two resolve your problems.

Good luck!


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

mablenc said:


> If she continues you can talk to someone in HR, most of what your mention is sexual harassment. Don't get too flattered she is trash I'm sure you are not the only one she is flirting with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sexual harassment??? No. Not in any way shape or form.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> Sexual harassment??? No. Not in any way shape or form.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry but I disagree, she has touched his butt and body checked him, in addition to her comments . If this was presented to me at work I would deffinatly investigate and dissipline/terminate appropriately. You don't want your employees to be groping eachother on site. 

He needs to stop welcoming her advances and if she continues report it, otherwise they can both be in trouble for inappropriate behavior. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I just don't see it. 

Courts and employers generally use the definition of sexual harassment contained in the guidelines of the U.S.*Equal Employment Opportunity Commission*(EEOC). This language has also formed the basis for most state laws prohibiting sexual harassment. The guidelines state:Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitute sexual harassment whensubmission to such conduct is made either explicitly or implicitly a term or condition of an individual's employment,submission to or rejection of such conduct by an individual is used as the basis for employment decisions affecting such individuals, orsuch conduct has the purpose or effect of unreasonably interfering with an individual's work performance or creating an intimidating, hostile, or offensive working environment. (29 C.F.R. § 1604.11 [1980])
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Touching an employee in the butt is sexual harassment. If it is unwelcomed. This would be considered a hostile work envorment. I don't think employees want to be groped or touch inappropriately. I have seen case for a picture, cartoon, comments ect won. There's a thin line, always best to be professional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stay away from her. No matter what your situation is at home, it will be a million times worse if you don't shut that girl down.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

At the time of contact it didn't appear unwelcome. He is friendly with her, takes breaks with her and has entertained the thought of taking it further.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

just_about_done said:


> Hello ladies, I'd like to get your insight on a situation with a co-worker. I'm 38m married for 12 years with 2 kids. It's a very roommate like situation at home. I need affection from my wife but she's not giving it. Maybe that's why I'm seeing things that might not be what I think.
> 
> There's a younger woman (21) that I work with and I can't figure out if she's just a work friend or if she's looking for more. Let me say, I do not want to be anything other than smoke break buddies with her. So I'd like to list things she's done or said to make me wonder and get your input. I will make it clear that I'm not interested if it's detemined to be needed, but I don't want to jump to conclusions and embarass her and myself if it's not.
> 
> ...


DUDE. You are 38. You know the game. Glad to see you are going to do the right thing.

There are honorable ways out of an unhappy marriage before you go a$$-deep in some strange. And just wait until you make her angry later - here comes the workplace harassment claim against you, and little miss flirt will be more than happy to inform your wife.

And who is more believable here? The sweet, bouncy little 21-year old girl, or the married man old enough to be her father? This will NOT go well for you if you pursue it.

You ready for alimony, dividing the assets, and years of child support and weekend visitations? This future can be yours really quick. In fact, it's just a few more butt-touches and inappropriate conversations away! Coming soon to a family near you - total devastation.

You have twice the life experience she does. THINK.

Let her find someone else's family to destroy.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> At the time of contact it didn't appear unwelcome. He is friendly with her, takes breaks with her and has entertained the thought of taking it further.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True very true, but is Marie in accounting sees Susie groping bobby they both would be in big trouble and explain why you got fired to the wife, even more trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Agreed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Op, is this really the example you want to set for your children? What about your wife? Sexless marriage or not you need to respect her. If you want out then divorce her, but stop messing around with this girl and protect your reputation. Do you think your employer would promote you by acting this way at work?

Think really hard it's not worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

You don't want to embarass the girl who talks about her yeast infections?!?

I also don't think that anything anyone has said here is going to keep your impulses in check. You want to take this to the next level. Your ego has been boosted by this girl and you aren't going to let go of it even knowing the consequences. Sad. Hope I'm wrong.


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## Jen862013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Ok I’m not that much older than that girl and I have a few friends her age and all of them would tell she flirting with you hard. No girl is going to touch your butt and body check you into a wall just joking. Everybody here knows what she wants and you do to. Another thing never believe a girl when she says hasn’t had sex in certain amount of days or months because there probably the ones getting laid weekly. This girl is dangerous if you want your marriage to work stay away from her. Nothing good can come from this.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Of course she is flirting with you....& probably every other male at work.

I have 2 daughters close to her age. They are professional at work & don't touch anyone's butt except their boyfriends.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. You're all right, it's an invitation to big trouble. Our company is very small and I know these things do not stay secret long. I honestly would never do anything with a co-worker, I can see that getting all kinds of weird even for a single guy. After really thinking about this post last night, honestly, I just liked the attention and was trying to get validation from you guys that it's not just in my mind. 

I will pull back and let her know it's just not gonna happen. 

I've been doing the MAP and it's really not getting any results from my wife. I really don't have much hope for my marriage, but I'm not going to seek other women before that is resolved one way or the other. 

Thank you all for helping clear my head.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

just_about_done said:


> Hello ladies, I'd like to get your insight on a situation with a co-worker. I'm 38m married for 12 years with 2 kids. It's a very roommate like situation at home. I need affection from my wife but she's not giving it. Maybe that's why I'm seeing things that might not be what I think.
> 
> There's a younger woman (21) that I work with and I can't figure out if she's just a work friend or if she's looking for more. Let me say, I do not want to be anything other than smoke break buddies with her. So I'd like to list things she's done or said to make me wonder and get your input. I will make it clear that I'm not interested if it's detemined to be needed, but I don't want to jump to conclusions and embarass her and myself if it's not.
> 
> ...


21 year old trash with the mentality of a 15 year old that likes the attention from the old guy. Not that you're old (you're the same age as me  ) .....Do what others have said and address the roommate situation your marriage is in. Come to an understanding with your wife or end it, but sex with a piece of trash that's offering it to any guy that pays attention to her (and she is) will cause you a lot more trouble than it's worth. The bit about not having had it in a year is probably a lie. Now add in the potential for work problems and it gets even worse. Best to back away. This is a woman's opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

She's definitely coming onto you and it's pretty damn disgusting to do so knowing you are married with kids. I'd avoid her like the plague and tell her straight out she can't touch you and to cut out the comments. You need to take the initiative to set her straight. 

I know a guy who told me that his wife hadn't had sex with him in a year and if someone came onto him he wouldn't turn it down. I laughed and told him I couldn't understand it because he's a great looking guy but unless he's filed for divorce I wouldn't touch him with a 100 foot pole. 

I don't know if he was coming on specifically to me or not but when it comes to married men/adultery I shut down any suggestive behavior down..FAST. 

It went both ways: For 23 years my own husband didn't treat me well, deprived me of sex, etc and I often went away by myself and had my male friends drop hints to me...friendly come- ons, flirting, hints, etc. I would always say how flattering it was to get the attention but as long as I was married I was off limits. 

So shut this one down fast before it gets messier than her yeast infection.. (eeww.....:slap


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Thoreau said:


> I just don't see it.
> 
> Courts and employers generally use the definition of sexual harassment contained in the guidelines of the U.S.*Equal Employment Opportunity Commission*(EEOC). This language has also formed the basis for most state laws prohibiting sexual harassment. The guidelines state:Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitute sexual harassment whensubmission to such conduct is made either explicitly or implicitly a term or condition of an individual's employment,submission to or rejection of such conduct by an individual is used as the basis for employment decisions affecting such individuals, orsuch conduct has the purpose or effect of unreasonably interfering with an individual's work performance or creating an intimidating, hostile, or offensive working environment. (29 C.F.R. § 1604.11 [1980])
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Notice the last sentence about hostile working environments. *Any employee *being exposed to this banter and/or conduct can allege a hostile working environment on the basis of sexual harassment. There are reasons workers over age 40 have special protection against discrimination. Employers don't need much encouragement to fire them. The OP is 38 and probably doesn't need to draw negative attention to himself. 
Grounds for dismissal for sexual harassment won't follow 29 CFR 1604.11, but will follow whatever policy exists for that company (and you can bet there is one). If they can't make that stick, they will find another reason to send him packing. In my state an employer doesn't need a reason at all. Even if he can beat the allegation at work, will he still have a wife when the smoke clears? Does he really want to be looking for a new job at 38?


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

This little work skank is definitely looking to take up with you. Avoid her at all costs, you owe her no explanation really but just say no thanks I don't want to take smoke breaks with you anymore or share any non-work related banter with you and refuse to take her calls. If possible move to a different area in your job then her. And kudos for you for catching this and putting it to an end before she destroyed your life and marriage.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

There's an expression about not p00ping where you eat for a reason. All it takes is for her (coworker) to decide she's annoyed with you for some reason and file an HR complaint. Now, you're the bad guy and looking for a new job.

The issues you have at home are at home - don't create new ones at work that will carry over to your home.

Work on things with the wife - if it can be repaired, do so. If it can't, at that point you'll need to make a choice to live with it or move on. 

Take the advice from me (I made that WRONG choice), the damage you can do to you, your wife and your marriage is not worth it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds to me like she's setting YOU up for sexual harassment. I would set some firm limits and tell her to get off your desk. Geez. Grow some. Tell her you don't want to hear about her personal life, or her private health issues.

And document what you said to her by following up with your supervisor and HR.

She might also be trying to be let go, easier to make money by not working.
Sounds like she's not really there to work anyhow.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

"The BIGGEST thing is that she's said 30 is petty much her top age limit for dating."

I'm 30 and one of the women "around me" said that her strict limit for sex or having babies or getting married or getting in a serious reliationship or whatever you think - to be born at the minimum date mark of 1980 - I'm '83. (She is 36)

3 days later she was in my bed. Or to be precise, I was in her bed.

Did she do in any form or shape call, contact, whatsapp, mail, fb me afterwards? Nope. What I'm saying, you can get the "signs" wrong, since you're not a woman. I let the woman in question go as I considered her to be another "hey I have rules, back off", and look where we got with that.

I'd listen to the advises including "sexual harassment" if I were you, and keep my eyes open. and she was not my coworker, or a worker in any other department, or I'd have second thoughts. I'd had my senses open up like Luke Skywalker in the vicinity of Mara Jade around the Rise of the Empire Era as well. You'll never know what will happen.

Keep your eyes open.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't play with children. She's a child. Toying with you.


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