# My husband does not behave like a man in love



## wessexwoman (Mar 2, 2012)

We have been married/together 9 years. 6 children between us, none of our own together. Both 2nd marriages. My husband wooed me in the most loveliest way for the first two years. We were mutually adoring - friends could not believe we were so in love! We married after 2 years and it was like a switch. Bottom line is I feel unloved; no affection, little sex - he seems to quietly prefer porn. he doesn't 'get' quality time together, or the need to say nice things to each other, or do nice or helpful things etc. It is like I am living with a friendly neighbour who might stop talking to me if I mention something they don't like. I go along with him because I am so confused about why we are so distant from each other. He does not love me anymore, how could he - when he does nothing to show he cares? It is like he resents me or doesn't like me. He will not even respond to me if he doesn't like my opinion - even if its something on the news. I feel humiliated yet struggle to speak to him cos he refuses to understand. Yet he is a mannerly, charming man who is very sociable and pleasant. I have done all I can to work over the years because he complained about shortage of money. So I have done part time day and evening work, in different locations. Tying my hours in to ensure I am running the house ok - There are 8 of us to cook and shop and clean for He still complains about my work interfering with the housework yet says we need the money. He questioned every penny I spent until I insisted on taking over the finances a couple of years ago. I found out last week that all this time, he could have been earning more money and hasn't. He works 8 to 4.30 and that suits him. Apparently He is the only guy in his factory who doesn't do overtime. He could earn 25% more of his monthly salary by simply swopping 3 week days, once a month, for 1 weekend a month. Yes I am beginning to feel bitter. I find I tiptoe around him now, cos he hates confrontation so much. He has special needs son who will probably always live with us, and he uses him to not argue. (an argument is talking - we NEVER shout or raise our voices - even the poor kids don't and they are all adult teens, I know that isn't natural, but my husband would hate it). aah! What has gone wrong. He know all this, we have a 'big talk' about twice a year when I cannot take it anymore and he cries and says he loves me and he has 'got it' about being a couple and needing to talk openly, and then nothing changes. He goes back to saying 'oops you look as though you have things on your mind - I'm out of here!' and walking away if I look anything less than euphoric. And I feel a heartbroken fool again for thinking we could change anything. Does he just want a housekeeper and mother (his first wife died).


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

You can't give general impressions to a guy I think. A lot of us need something specific.

"I'm overwhelmed by the work and housework, it would really help me if you could take care of the dishes every night... maybe right after dinner real quick before you go do xyz. Would you mind doing that for me?"

Then you have to hold him to it, and not do it yourself regardless. Also, thank him... often. Its a retarded guy thing... a lot of us need praise for even the smallest thing.

As for him not being affectionate, what does he say when you've asked him about it?

Porn is often just convenient and avoids what can sometimes seem like a chore of warming you up to have sex. Knocking one out to some crazy fantasy works for some guys. You can always go after him to initiate things. Another thing that works pretty well is announcing your intentions for that night early in the day. "So, I had this awesome sexual dream... so you're on notice that I need to be f...ed tonight", or tell him in the morning you're going to give him a bj that night (or if the direct stuff doesn't work for you two, whatever sexual language you use). That stuff lingers through the day. You have to get him thinking and focusing that energy on you rather than the easy porn outlet.

Finally, it might just be the case that he does just want a housekeeper/mother.


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