# Is this Anger Normal?



## HURT&CONFUSED (Oct 14, 2008)

About 3 weeks ago, I found out my husband cheated on me. I was blind sided by this. We were getting along (at least that was my take on things). He had to leave for 2 weeks on a business trip 4 months ago and that's when it happened. Not with a co-worker but some stranger he met in a bar after work. He says he is sorry and want us to work and he still loves me, but it's kinda of hard to believe anything coming from his lips now. I love him and really want our marriage to work (we have 2 kids 13 & 5) but at what cost to my sanity. I am scared sometimes of all this anger that I feel I really hate him and I used to say hate is such a strong word. I can't stand for him to touch me, my heart feels like it is about to explode out of my chest it hurts so bad. We talk and has appointments for counseling but I know it won't work because I know I can't trust like I did before. I read this blog and know there are several like me but can't really get spouse to understand the anger.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my hubby did this to me in april. we split for a few months, it was for the best for all concerned. 
i dont know what your personality is like. but you may learn to forgive , but you wont forget. 
i went through bags of emotions. hate, love, anger, resentment. 
not knowing which way to turn.
most of this came from the fact i didnt understand why?
my hubby and i were also getin along. good everything, then bang and it hit me for six and his was with a stranger.
i went through exactly your feelings, dont touch me, i wanted to be on my own, then i wanted him to reach out. because i wanted to know if he really wanted me.
deed happened on april 08 08 , he got tested in the clinic. 
on may 4 we already had holiday booked. we stil went together. but he fought for me. when we came home, he stopped fighting for me. 
you will feel on and off for a while and yes this is normal. 
you definately need some space. put your efforts into your kids. 
you'll cry most days atleast for a month. 
after 3 months my hubby moved back in .but after that we stil went through the motions. its adjusting. finding if our marriage was worth saving. 
our kids are 11 and 8.
if you think you can save your marriage , do it. 
but at some point you have to forgive. as hard as that is. if you want your marriage to work, you wil get there. 
if you dont want to work on your marriage, then this is your excuse to let it go. 
but in my marriage my hubby is actually better than he was b 4.
its just ashame it took the act to make him see that.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

HURT&CONFUSED said:


> About 3 weeks ago, I found out my husband cheated on me. I was blind sided by this. We were getting along (at least that was my take on things). He had to leave for 2 weeks on a business trip 4 months ago and that's when it happened. Not with a co-worker but some stranger he met in a bar after work. He says he is sorry and want us to work and he still loves me, but it's kinda of hard to believe anything coming from his lips now. I love him and really want our marriage to work (we have 2 kids 13 & 5) but at what cost to my sanity. I am scared sometimes of all this anger that I feel I really hate him and I used to say hate is such a strong word. I can't stand for him to touch me, my heart feels like it is about to explode out of my chest it hurts so bad. We talk and has appointments for counseling but I know it won't work because I know I can't trust like I did before. I read this blog and know there are several like me but can't really get spouse to understand the anger.


there is justifiable anger, yours is justifiable...don't say "i know it won't work" with regard to therapy...sometimes the light just goes on...my best to you! time does heal...


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## HURT&CONFUSED (Oct 14, 2008)

Thanks justean and voivod for the reply and voivod i don't mean to be negative about the therapy i guess only time will tell and heal my broken heart. thanks again for the reply


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

HURT&CONFUSED said:


> Thanks justean and voivod for the reply and voivod i don't mean to be negative about the therapy i guess only time will tell and heal my broken heart. thanks again for the reply



ok, hold on. sorry for the short reply last time. my connection was slow and it was time for me to pick up my kids from school or i woulda posted more...

the thing about time healing...i'm wrong...time PASSES...slllowwwly, and that's good...the healing is gonna take work from YOU...remember this: time...plus love...love being an action word, a verb... you need to pick up "the love dare." it's gonna be a WORKbook for you. follow the challenges. they are gonna help you "get that feeling" back again. the "light going on" is amazing...you'll catch yourself falling in love again...then you'll start the healing...i promise


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## Hurting08 (Oct 9, 2008)

Very normal, and it will get better. He will likely never truely undersand how angry you are over this. Even if you did the same to him today, it doesn't have the same effect on him anymore. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while, but just like any roller coaster, the hills and valleys eventually get smaller. The biggest thing you need to do is communicate about EVERYTHING. Both of you need to make a point to keep the communication calm and non-accusational. Go into counseling with an open mind and don't expect your counselor to give you the answers, they will only help you discover your own answers.

Unfortuately, those selfish, lying, cheating, cold-hearted spouses (yes, I have one too) cause more pain, suffering and mental anguish than they ever thought they were experiencing prior to the affair.


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## Hurting08 (Oct 9, 2008)

One other thing I forgot to mention is to start living for yourself. Tell yourself that no matter what the outcome, you will be fine. Don't smother him or try to talk too much. If you want the marriage to work, keep that as your ultimate goal, but make todays goal to pick you head up and live for yourself. You are still somewhat in denial, and sometime very soon you will understand and accept that there is a chance your marriage could be over, but you will move on from there. 

I just hit that point late last week. I am still giving everything I have to make the marriage work, but I also have accepted that it may not and that I'll move on knowing that I gave it everything I had to give. I've mentally taken myself out of the married slump that most of us can get in, and I'm living as myself again. We still have a long way to go, but the last few days have been great both on a personal level, and with the progress we've made as a couple.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hurting08 said:


> I am still giving everything I have to make the marriage work, but I also have accepted that it may not and that I'll move on knowing that I gave it everything I had to give. I've mentally taken myself out of the married slump that most of us can get in, and I'm living as myself again.


This was a turning point for me as well, and gave me a great sense of peace, no matter what the outcome. That, time and an extremely supportive husband are what helped me to get through.


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## HURT&CONFUSED (Oct 14, 2008)

Thanks for all the comments. This site is really encouraging in the fact that I am not the only one going through this and that there is hope if we work at it. It's kinda hard to talk to friends (especially when their opinion is leave and never look back. Easier said than done when you have over 10 years invested in a marriage. I know communication is key but it is hard to talk peaceably when right now I am so full of anger. Again, thanks for all the comments and and advice.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

HURT&CONFUSED said:


> About 3 weeks ago, I found out my husband cheated on me. I was blind sided by this. We were getting along (at least that was my take on things). He had to leave for 2 weeks on a business trip 4 months ago and that's when it happened. Not with a co-worker but some stranger he met in a bar after work. He says he is sorry and want us to work and he still loves me, but it's kinda of hard to believe anything coming from his lips now. I love him and really want our marriage to work (we have 2 kids 13 & 5) but at what cost to my sanity. I am scared sometimes of all this anger that I feel I really hate him and I used to say hate is such a strong word. I can't stand for him to touch me, my heart feels like it is about to explode out of my chest it hurts so bad. We talk and has appointments for counseling but I know it won't work because I know I can't trust like I did before. I read this blog and know there are several like me but can't really get spouse to understand the anger.


Most men think it is so easy to just forget it ever happened, or they say to their wife..just get over it..it's in the past now. 


It may be in the past, but it left a scar. 

What is wrong with a lot of people is..

they just don't think before they do things, and it is ok if it happens to you, but you better not do the same to me.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

HURT AND CONFUSED:

friends are dangerous at this juncture...you've heard the saying "everyone has opinions..."? true here...and a new one: "everyone watches oprah & dr. phil..."

you're friends opinions are formed...of course the say cut & run...they're looking out for YOUR best interests...how can anyone tell you what your best interests are???


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

justean I was blown away by your post. I forgot how people can be so open and honest.

That was a post from the heart.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

most of my family - except mine and hubbies mum wanted us to split up. 
tell me how bad he was etc, etc. yes i also knew that. 
im not making excuses but my aunties previous relationships all failed and i felt as though it was a resentment on their part that hubby and i decided to try again.
but i did do a bit of going out with friends and making him babysit. 
it was my way of needing space.


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## HURT&CONFUSED (Oct 14, 2008)

Since my first post, we have been in counseling every week. I think they are going good. I am not sure of how things will turn out because each day is still a stuggle. There are times when I love him and want him to hold me, and others when I can't stand to look at him or have him touch me. I think the sessions are really helping me release alot of the anger. Thanks for the comments and I will keep you updated on our progress.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your emotions and the hurt is still very raw. I'm glad counseling is helping you sort out your feelings and I hope it is helping your husband understand where you are at emotionally. I'm glad you gave us an update. The healing process takes time and your hurt and anger are normal emotions that in my opinion need to be felt and as time passes will begin to dissipate.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

It happened to me with my wife. She had an affair. It has been 2 years ago and I still struggle. I have 4given her, but there are times the mistrust comes through. Especially, when she is not communicatingor gives me the cold shoulder. I definitely agree about doing things for yourself. When it happened to me i became consumed with saving my marriage and totally neglected myself. I was miserable. Now, after a 15 year relationship with my wife
if the situation ever happened again I would have the strength to walk away and hold my head up. I have found myself again and regained my confindence and have got back into the stuff i was before. I was agry up until that point. Now i look at my wife as someone i would really like to get to know better and have a relationship with. I just talked to her last night. I did not bring up the affair, I just brought up my feelings for her. I told her that I expect certain things in a relationship and if she is unable to do those things to tell me. COMMUNICATE. Don't be afraid of talking. If he does not want to talk, don't make him. Hope i did not confuse you. I think my wife and I are going to make it, but we still have a ways to go, but i have not given up.

Always remember..love yourself first. When it is all said and done..it is just you and God. You can only be resposible for you. This motto has helped me through the toughest times.


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## HURT&CONFUSED (Oct 14, 2008)

MAGICSUNSET08 you have not confused me. In the beginning when i tried to tell (my bad) yell him my feelings we didn't get anywhere so I just stopped communicating with him. The counseling is really allowing me to speak my feelings without getting into the shouting match where we are not listening to each other just shouting back and forth. Some days I just want to curl up and stay there but when I get up and get going I realize I still have something to live for (my kids).


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