# Next steps after discovering proof of infidelity



## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

Hello,

I've been surfing the interweb in the last 36 hours looking to pick up advice on "what to do next" after recently discovering proof of my wife's infidelity.

We've been married thirteen years and have two kids.

I'm going to forgo making you all suffer through the background leading up this event because I'm sure there is a mountain of it to wade through and analyze, all of which I'm sure I'll be doing in the coming months.

I had an inclination something was wrong over the last few months, and proof of the affair was found a day ago in a fairly explicit series of TXT messages I discovered from her phone. While TXT messages don't prove a physical affair, the content indicates they have been physical in the past and are planning on doing so again in the near future. 


The guts of my cry for help here is *What do I do next?*

My very immediate problem lies in that tonight is our regular "date night", kids off to friends and the two of us head out, movie or dinner etc. I don't know if I can put myself through an evening pretending to be enjoying myself (or, god-forbid, she expects to be having sex with me at some point. _The little general won't be standing to attention given some of the mental imagery running through my head after reading her TXT messages_ .)

My first reaction is that I want to collect further evidence before confronting her, as I know she'll lie and distort my argument in relation to the material I already have. (My wife could argue her way out of the Louvre museum with the Mona Lisa rolled up under her arm).

So, my question is when do I confront her? Now, before "date night", or wait and gather more proof? By more proof I'm thinking I would have to engage the professional services of a PI.

I guess this may seem like a simple question to you all, but my mind is a blur at the moment and I'm erring on the side of caution that some of my decisions will not be entirely rational right now.

I appreciate your time in reply.

***************** Notes in answer to other people ***************************

* I'm fully aware of who the OM is. He's married, with a child. I haven't contacted the OM's wife (and while I heartedly believe she should be told, I'm not rushing to do this)
* I share a computer with my wife and I know she's not contacting him through here. 
* I have no idea what I want to do now, reconcile or run. My gut impression is that I lack the substance to forgive her, but I'm so seriously numb right now I don't know. I'm staying as calm as I can (my default personality trait).
* I will be keeping the welfare of the kids (both under ten years) at the forefront of everything I do here.
* I can't undertake any measures to snoop on her phone (above what is already legitimately in place, as I can't risk breaking any laws in my country).

I will get an STD check.

I've already booked myself into a counselor provided by my work place, but this is not for another four days.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get vars for the car and the house keylogger for the computer gps for the car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Step 1: Find the wife or GF of the other man , and tell her about his cheating with your wife.

Step 2: if they've got a date night planned, c-block it big time. 

Step 3: Cut off her access to money and credit.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

If you're not comfortable being out alone with her, maybe you suddenly feel ill and cancel date night? I don't think that would be a lie considering what you've just found out.

I'm sorry - this has to be terribly hard right now.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

As 2asdf2 asked...what is your intent? Is the possibility of a physical affair a deal breaker for you or are you willing to attempt reconciliation.

For me, I never had a clue about my wife's 5 year long affair. I found it one night when I needed to check my email and her laptop was open and on.

I confronted her immediately.

Where do you see yourself going? I mean, if you're going to confront, maybe date night would be a good night since the kids won't be around. Just make sure to confront BEFORE going out to dinner.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Do not confront her tonight! 
Do not hint of any suspicions.
Put on the best you possible.
Bring up feeling disconnected and lack of intimacy. Discuss and Get a commitment to couples therapy.
Tomorrow get a GPS in her car. also voice activated recorder. What kind of phone does she have? 
Have you figured out who the OM is?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're not feeling up to your date tonight, first of all.

Next, gather more evidence. Your intuition there is correct. Put a keylogger on her computer, VAR's in her car and anywhere else private she has where she might talk to OM on the phone or meet up with him (some people put them under their own bed). There's an evidence gathering thread here - I'll leave the how-to's to the experts. 

Once you have the incontrovertible proof, calmly present it to her along with your request that she vacate the premises. 

Be prepared for trickle truth and denial and gaslighting and the fog. Research those terms if you don't know what they mean.

There's a Newbies link in my signature to read too.

And get tested for STD's.

Wish you didn't have to be here  Getting cheated on sucks.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You're not feeling up to your date tonight, first of all.


I agree only If your sure she won't take the opportunity to meet with her friend. 

If at any time now you think she is with the guy you will go ballistic so you have to prevent it from happening while getting this under control.


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

Thanks for the rapid responses.

Answers to some questions:
* I'm fully aware of who the OM is. He's married, with a child. 
* I share a computer with my wife and I know she's not contacting him through here. 
* I have no idea what I want to do now, reconcile or run. My gut impression is that I lack the substance to forgive her, but I'm so seriously numb right now I don't know. I'm staying as calm as I can (my default personality trait) - probably too calm and it might be a giveaway 
* I will be keeping the welfare of the kids (both under ten years) at the forefront of everything I do here.
* I can't undertake any measures to snoop on her phone (above what is already legitimately in place, as I can't risk breaking any laws in my country).

Thanks for the comment re STD check - I hadn't thought of that (obvious now it's stated).

I've already booked myself into a councelor provided by my work place, but this is not for another four days.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Hello,
> 
> I've been surfing the interweb in the last 36 hours looking to pick up advice on "what to do next" after recently discovering proof of my wife's infidelity.
> 
> ...


Hold off for now. Try and figure out Who, How long, and how far. If the texts are explicit that is a very bad sign. 
But you have atleast fount their primary form of communication. Write down his number and look up the phone logs. Try to determine how often they are speaking. Try and contact the other mans Wife. 

Once you have the Other mans wife, evidence that their communication has been constant and ongoing, and coupled with the texts then it is time to attack. 

Step one is tell your wife you need to talk 
Then you need to tell your wife you know about "give his name" 
You know that she is cheating and explain that explicit texts shows me you were comfortable enough with this guy to contemplate having sex. 
Show that you know they have been communicating behind your back. 
Tell her you know everything tell her she has one chance to come clean. Tell her the words "Nothing happened come out of her mouth you are walking out the door. " Have your bags packed and ready to go. 
If she comes clean you still need to proceed to leave. Tell her you know there is more and that is not all other wise she will try and just give you tib bits of information we call it trickle truth. Keep it up until you can't take it anymore.

Tell her that if she wants you to even consider staying with you that she send the OM a no contact letter that states she made a mistake, apologize to the OM for dragging him into it, and telling him that the NO letter is the last form of communication she will have with the OM until the day she dies.

Tell her she better hand over her phone , email passwords, and tell her you have a current count of messages and if the count is off that you will consider another breach of trust.

She needs to understand that her marriage is hanging in the balance and that any lies and deceit will forfeit that marriage immediately.

After you are done with your wife expose everything to her family, friends, and neighbors. Then contact the Other mans Wife and inform her of what is going on. She deserves to know that her husband is cheating just as much as you deserve to know. Plus with him trying to patch up stuff at home he won't be trying to manipulate your wife with messages. 

Tell her if the om calls or texts that she is not to respond she is to show you the message then delete it. I would also consider setting up a block on his phone.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

More evidence? Why? What exactly is there to gain? You already know she is cheating and who with... From that point on you already know what you need to know. You either get to work on a grueling R or you dump her ass. 

If she just starts denying all that crap you can just assume she will lie to you forever and you then decide if you want to be ok about sharing your wife or you want to have a shot at happiness with another person. 

Or is it that you are not really sure? Are the TXTs very revealing?


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

costa200 said:


> More evidence? Why? What exactly is there to gain? You already know she is cheating and who with... From that point on you already know what you need to know. You either get to work on a grueling R or you dump her ass.
> 
> If she just starts denying all that crap you can just assume she will lie to you forever and you then decide if you want to be ok about sharing your wife or you want to have a shot at happiness with another person.
> 
> Or is it that you are not really sure? Are the TXTs very revealing?


I'm not sure of the forum rules and whether posting said TXT messages is allowed? (I'm busy reading rules now)

I'm happy to post some of them and let you make a decision.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yea just write some examples
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LostClone said:


> I'm not sure of the forum rules and whether posting said TXT messages is allowed? (I'm busy reading rules now)
> 
> I'm happy to post some of them and let you make a decision.


Keep in mind that if you live in Canada or the US, you don't have to prove anything to anyone besides yourself. Not us, not her, no one.

C


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

Ok, this is one excerpt from yesterday. It doesn't matter how many times I read this example, I'm still looking for "other interpretations" in case I'm jumping to conclusions. Albeit, it's pretty much in black and white (so to speak).

DS: My wife
OM: Other male.

DS: hey u u up yet? 
OM: No way, im in bed listeng to the rain. How was ur sleep? 
DS: u suck  wish I was with u. 
OM: I wish u and ur waxd lil ***** was with me too  yea it sounds like a good day to be inside. 
DS: on my way;-) 
OM: Nice! Thk id like slowly kiss n lick u making u cum.... 
DS: k - think I'd last about 5 seconds ;-) then my turn  
OM: Wud that make u cum? 
DS: don't think would take much with u. especially if I'm 100% there instead of 90 - u know somewhere with no possible interruptions! 
OM: Its difficult to completely relax isnt it. We will hav to find a place  
DS: yea it is and yep we will  would like u and yr hot bod all to myself x 
OM:  
OM: Theres always my house next week when <name removed> at work? Ha


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Yea just write some examples
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, will do in another post - just reformatting . . .


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Um.

Yeah, that's pretty bad. It ain't just sexting. It's proof. No further proof needed IMO. 

What do you wanna do about this, man?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What more proof do you want? Pics or video?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Time to tell omw first then talk to ww no more info needed my man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

PBear said:


> What more proof do you want? Pics or video?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair comment.


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

Holy ****... EXPOSE! Or wait and video them ****ING in YOUR BED... jesus man.

Oh, and NO reconciliation... She plans to **** THIS GUY IN YOUR BED while you are at work...


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Um.
> 
> Yeah, that's pretty bad. It ain't just sexting. It's proof. No further proof needed IMO.
> 
> What do you wanna do about this, man?


Do? I'm not sure. If only the equation was just her and me, it would be simple. Chuck in variables of kids, building new home, where we work, then any decision needs some more detailed thought (something I'm not quite sure I'm up for at the moment).

Thanks for your comment - yup, I don't need much more proof I guess.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well get jold og omw tonight then confront w
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

I think you meant "get a hold of" ?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yes thanks dam phone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Not much left to the imagination in that conversation. She is definitely having a PA with that guy.

Remember that kids are resilient. They will do much better with a father who is not in pain or trying to reconcile with a remorseless wife.

Get your finances in shape.

Dig for more proof (if you need it for court). A couple of nanny cam type devices installed in your house might pay off. 

VAR her car.

Concentrate on your kids and do not let her know what you are doing until you are ready to pull the trigger.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

I second the inform OMW first then your wife....bang bang!!! With no time/room for your wife to spin of inform the OM before his wife lets him have it!!! Do it now!!!


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> I second the inform OMW first then your wife....bang bang!!! With no time/room for your wife to spin of inform the OM before his wife lets him have it!!! Do it now!!!


Thanks for your reply. 

Is telling OMW really the most advisable thing to do now? I'm all for telling OMW, but if I do it now, then it feels like it's too compulsive, like I'm doing it just to get back at OM.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Look up the thread in here by Shamwow. If you can hold out, talk to a lawyer and understand how to solidify your position before confronting. It might involve protecting assets. Then figure out what you want to do. What your boundaries are going forwards. What things you're willing to compromise on. Doing this before you confront would be best, so you can try to move things in the direction YOU want it to go. 

Good luck. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Talk to a lawyer, find where you stand, the better/worse/likely scenario. Be ready to file in case confrontation goes south.
Prepare the snooping tools anyway, VAR at the car, keylogger, spyware at the phone, GPS, whatever you need to get more evidence AND to watch the immediate aftermath closely.
Then prepare the confrontation; Don't reveal your sources, ever.
Waith her reaction, does she confess? Sounds like remorse? Is she ready to end it? Asking for a chance?
Then lay the law just for not filing next day!:
NC letter, total transparence, full disclosure, STD tests. These are the bare minimum. Optionals are polygraph, IC, MC... whatever. Wait her response. Keep snooping.

Then you expose to BW and whoever you believe is relevant.
Is in your interest to kill this affair even if you divorce. You won't like this man tucking your children, right?

Don't leave hom, ever.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> Is telling OMW really the most advisable thing to do now? I'm all for telling OMW, but if I do it now, then it feels like it's too compulsive, like I'm doing it just to get back at OM.


Exposing is not about "getting back" at the OM. It's about making sure he doesn't do this again. It's about breaking the land of unicorns and rainbows that affairs live in.

Trust me, man. I understand all the variables you're talking about. I have 2 kids, a wife, 2 cars...the whole thing. I almost walked out when I found out about her affair. That was 7 months ago. Lucky for me, she is very remorseful and has worked pretty hard for reconciliation. 

You do NOT have an easy decision. Read each post here. Understand that none of us are in your house nor do we know your unique life with your wife. YOU will know what is best for you when you expose her. YOU hold the cards in this deal. None of it...NONE of it is your fault. If she gives you any line of reasoning that you had anything to do with it...well, that's called blameshifting. DON'T accept it. Period.

Do what YOU need to do. For YOU.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BTW, you suddenly got an horrible migraine which explains you can't go to the movies nor having sex, nor going to work next day...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> Is telling OMW really the most advisable thing to do now? I'm all for telling OMW, but if I do it now, then it feels like it's too compulsive, like I'm doing it just to get back at OM.


yes now


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

LostClone,

I am so sorry you are here... This is a club no one chooses to join. 

After reading those texts, I don't feel you need more proof. 

If you plan to confront be prepared for gas lighting, trickle truths and minimizing. Try to keep a clear head and don't make any decisions until your emotions calm down. The truth will come out, but it will take some time. 
No matter what, do not move out of your home.

Please listen to the advice of those here who've been through this. They will help you. 

Take care of yourself.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Ok, this is one excerpt from yesterday. It doesn't matter how many times I read this example, I'm still looking for "other interpretations" in case I'm jumping to conclusions. Albeit, it's pretty much in black and white (so to speak).
> 
> DS: My wife
> OM: Other male.
> ...


Sounds like they have only been able to have sex in a place where they get interrupted - in a car, at work? 

Do they work together?

Also, others may disagree, but it doesn't sound like it's been going on that long if they've never been together without interruptions. In the brief exchange you posted, there were no I love you's. 

Were there any I love you's or mention of love in the other texts?

Was there any bad-mouthing of you or other man's wife in any of the other texts?

Is other man married?

You don't know if you will stay married. It is easier to act if you don't care about saving the marriage, but my advice will assume that you want to save the marriage. You can decide what you want to do later.

I would not wait to confront. I would do it right away.

Get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her you know she is having an affair. DO NOT TELL HER HOW YOU KNOW. NEVER TELL HER HOW YOU KNOW. DON'T EVEN TELL HER YOU KNOW THE NAME OF HER AFFAIR PARTNER. Just tell her that *YOU KNOW* and that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man, she's going to leave and you're keeping the kids. Here are the conditions:

1. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

2. If she works with other man, she quits. If this is financially impossible at the moment, she does what she can to avoid contact with him and begins looking for a new job immediately.

3. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

4. She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts.

5. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

6. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

7. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness.

8. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful, not interested in committing to you, just interested in appeasing you with words. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which if you really look at them are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and place it under the seat of her car. Also keylog her computer and monitor phone bills. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth. 

No matter what, tell the other man's wife/girlfriend about the affair. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS. One, it's the right thing to do. Wouldn't you want to know? Two, it helps to kill the affair. Other man's wife/girlfriend also will be able to keep an eye out for renewed contact and help you prevent it. Three, it makes other man's life miserable.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Telling the OMW is not revenge or retaliation. It is the right thing to do. Do you not wish someone had told you what was going on instead of having to find out on your own?

But timing is key. A day or week or even a month longer is not going to make any difference to OMW but waiting until you have concrete proof could do you and OMW some good.

Get what you need then tell OMW then confront your wife. Do not confront your wife first and give OM time to spin a story.

Decide what you want to do. Divorce or attempt R. Then expose to everyone far and near.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Ok, this is one excerpt from yesterday. It doesn't matter how many times I read this example, I'm still looking for "other interpretations" in case I'm jumping to conclusions. Albeit, it's pretty much in black and white (so to speak).
> 
> DS: My wife
> OM: Other male.
> ...


Sh!t mate... Sorry to have even asked... 
Can't be more explicit than that. Are you still interested in more proof? Where you are, is infidelity taken into account for a possible divorce? Because if it isn't i think you have enough. Up to you if you want to stay married to this woman or not. 

Personally i think that stuff in the message would probably send me in a murdering spree, but this is your business!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Sounds like they have only been able to have sex in a place where they get interrupted - in a car, at work?
> 
> Do they work together?
> 
> ...


Virtually perfect.


Okay, first, I applaud you. Yes, hire a PI firm. That gets the goods and also has a third party witness (professionals to boot) who can testify in court. That helps a LOT. Most of the posters assume that the Betrayed Spouse goes cheap.

A few extras: 

Clear your internet history regarding this website so your wife doesn't know what is happening.

Get the mailers all set. You NEED to expose her to at least the OMW, and probably at least her parents. She can divorce you and tell herself stories. She can't do that to her parents and she'll face the prospect of losing them as well as her husband. That is a steep price to pay for some rainy day phucking. Keep the friends on hold in case she gives you ANY lip at all.

Will forgot the possibility of Marriage Counseling and Individual Counseling. If she doesn't fix what is broken in the marriage or her attitude, she might repeat. You don't want that whether you stay with her or not because you have two hostages who will live with her and a parade of strange men wandering through your kids' lives is not optimal. Plus maybe the horse will sing and you will reconcile.

You are in no shape to make any decisions. So I hope you cancelled tonight and just chill.

Now, let me say this. You said as much that you didn't know how to handle this. This happens all the time. The the vetran posters (not me) gives advice. Then the GUY ASKING ADVICE says 'oh no...you don't know what you are talking about. I'm going to do X/do it my way/try my foolproof plan.' Invariably, they either wind up changing their minds months later SLOWLY or sit there crying wondering why their foolproof plan hasn't worked 14 months later.

If you are like that, please stop asking advice (this is a sore point with me). You are smarter then us. That is why you are here 


Get some pictures. That isn't for you. It's for the OMW and the parents. They won't belive the worst without pictures. The River Denial is deep and cold.

Sorry you are here.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I'm not totally onboard with you telling your wifes whole family...I am 100% behind telling OMW she has a right to know and it can only help pull your wife out of the obvious fog she is in based on her texts. Tell the other betrayed spouse offer to show her the texts and be prepared to stand by your resolve to leave if your wife doesnt comply with all the great advice here.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

The next question is when and where to expose.

The question answers itself. After you have photographic proof. I would SERIOUSLY suggest that if you have ANY intention of reconciling, that you do NOT look at any of the pictures. They cannot be unseen, just like the texts can't be unread. Even a kiss and a picture of them walking into a hotel room will put a serious crimp into your reconcilling. That is another good reason to hire a PI firm.

You expose AFTER you have this evidence. Here is a short list.

The OMW

The OM's parents. The OMW's parents

Your wifes parents.

Your parents.

You mail or email this the same day that you confront the wife.

Now, this may seem petty revenge. And there is an element of that in there. Consider it a bonus.

But it is more important then that. In olden days, a cheating spouse faced public ridicule, fiscal penury, and a shorted social circle. Almost none of those things apply these days and Waywards frequently think that they can cheat with impunity. They are so wrapped up in romantic, biochemical reactions that they will lie to themselves about how harmless they think this is.

The cold bucket of water from everyone they know chills that warm spot right out of their heart. That's why it's called 'exposure'.

On a related note, it also puts more eyes on the waywards. They can't indulge as freely.

Lastly, it informs a person's support network about trouble in paradise. Yes, mom and dad will be mad at...whomever. But they will also be there to support the emotionally distraught people and give them advice, babysitting and support.

Plus revenge. Nice bloody minded revenge.

Now, there is a small chance that revelaton will ALIENATE your spouse and make reconciliaton harder. Um...she's boning some other guy. Exactly how much more hateful an act is there? A remorseful wife will act as if it's her due ration of punishment. An unrepentent spouse...not so much and the exposure isn't going to make it worse.

However, a caveat. She WILL be MAJORLY pissed the day after revelation. She will! YOU put a mirror up to her soul and showed the world the Truth about her. 

If she is repentent, this too shall pass.


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

I felt compelled to register after finding this thread. i have no sage advice to offer the OP ,except would he consider giving the OMW a heads up before the reveal? in order for her to have time to sort through her steps (Lawyer etc.). I would test the waters with her, see how you think she would react ,if she seems implusive then I would imeddiatly reveal to WW the fact I know she is a cheat .but ... If you feel you and OMW could help each other with time to plan on throwing out cheaters both may come out on top of this. SAD so sad and sorry for your misery you will surely be going through. best of luck.


Lurk


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Well from reading that txt, its just sex. They're not professing nothing but the hots for each other.

Seen this many times. They want to play while having a full home life too..

Now, JCD touched on this. Asking what to do, then questioning advice given.
My advice, you don't have to decide what you want now, but you should confront tonight.
Do it while still numb. There is no reason to further assault yourself with anymore proof. The txt is say it all.
They've hooked up for some quickies, but want more times to get naked and really let loose.

I'm not much for games in matters like this. If you have proof strike !!
And STOP conceding defeat before the battle. YOU KNOW she makes good arguements, thats why you do it now while numb and KNOWING what you KNOW.
AND, use this if she won't confess. POLYGRAPH.
In fact that should be the first thing out of your mouth when she deny, and claim it was all flirting.
Say, " do you REALLY expect me to believe that BS after reading the txts.

If you want, ask to see her phone before confronting. Also, depending on the phone and carrier, say you are going to request the deleted txts.

Now, as for omw, she can be your best allie in this.She should be told just before confronting ws.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You must share these texts with the OMW now.

Do you know the #1 thing people, especially women is affairs fear? It's blowback happening to their AP. they fear the AP will blame them and dump them.

You know the #1 way to give an AP blowback and cause them to dump your WS?

Exposé them to their spouse.

In your case strongly recommend not confronting your wife directly. Instead: 

Cut off money and credit, so she cant run off.
Then expose to the OMW and sit back and wait fir the fireworks.

You don't need more evidence. They've clearly been hooking up, but it sounds like in a car in a park some place.

Use the shock of exposing to the OMW to disrupt the affair. You can personally decide later if you want her back or not.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your situation Lostclone. But welcome to this site.

As others have said before you expose or confront, you need to get ALL your ducks in row to protect your a$$ incase you decide to divorce her and her cheating helps you get a better settlement in court.

You may invest in a hidden cam to catch them in the act,

If you have any valuables in the house you could pawn them,

Removing your cheating skank's name from all bank accounts and/or credit cards, basically eliminating any access she may have to $$.

Consulting a few lawyer's.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

OP, Are you willing to forgive a cheater or do you feel you deserve better?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Stay frosty man keep posting it will help. And expose!


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Is telling OMW really the most advisable thing to do now? I'm all for telling OMW, but if I do it now, then it feels like it's too compulsive, like I'm doing it just to get back at OM.


If the OM wife found out about the affair first, would you want her to not tell you? By not exposing the affair you are protecting it and allowing it to continue in the future. There is nothing "too compulsive" when another man is f#$%ing your wife, while he gets to maintain his "happy marriage" at home. 

modified quote from the batman movie:
"Affairs thrive off the indulgence of the betrayed spouses understanding."


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> If the OM wife found out about the affair first, would you want her to not tell you? By not exposing the affair you are protecting it and allowing it to continue in the future. There is nothing "too compulsive" when another man is f#$%ing your wife, while he gets to maintain his "happy marriage" at home.
> 
> modified quote from the batman movie:
> "Affairs thrive off the indulgence of the betrayed spouses understanding."


Be the man who is willing to protect his marriage. By showing you are willing to move on and kick her to the curb she may have some second thoughts on what she is losing. It's your life and thank you for sharing, but if it was the other way around wouldn't you be pissed if she didn't tell you? I would be!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

LostClone,

Sorry you are going through this.

I wish this post not a troll.

I dont see the emotions in your post.

Others have said about exposure. If the post is not a troll, I would suggest you to read newbies link several times, until you imbibe them.

Take care of yourself. And kids.

A man whose wife is in an affair, will be filled with anger, disappointment, despair. I dont see this.

Sorry.

AU


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

LostClone said:


> Thanks for the rapid responses.
> 
> Answers to some questions:
> * I'm fully aware of who the OM is. He's married, with a child.
> ...


Sounds to me like you're made of sterner stuff than most. 

Walking out on her is not weak at all. It would take great strength.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> *Is telling OMW really the most advisable thing to do now? I'm all for telling OMW, but if I do it now, then it feels like it's too compulsive, like I'm doing it just to get back at OM*.


First, telling OMW is the right thing to do.

Second, why do you have even the slightest qualms about 'getting back at OM' ? It should be all you can do to restrain yourself from beating him to a pulp. 

Why do you care about his well being?


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi i don't think i would walk out she has cheated so she has brought disharmony to your house hold so i feel she must go that will have an effect making her finding a place to stay and puts pressure on OM to help her also tell OMW double pressure on her it might bring her around to her senses and realize just what she has done whether or not you want to continue with your marriage is some thing for you to decide when you are calmer and in a position of strength and holding a few more cards


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposing to the OMW isn't vindictive, it is entirely proactive as a way to get him to dump your wife. The fastest and most effective way is to expose the affair directly to her. 

In fact the very much least effective way is to confront the OM yourself, or to confront your wife. Both of them have chosen to cheat, and will only lie to you if confronted. It won't stop the cheating, it will just have them hide it better, whie you will get told they are just friends and it was all a joke.

If you want to end the affair, the OMW is the first stop, not the last.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Malaise said:


> First, telling OMW is the right thing to do.
> 
> Second, why do you have even the slightest qualms about 'getting back at OM' ? It should be all you can do to restrain yourself from beating him to a pulp.
> 
> Why do you care about his well being?


He probably doesn't. But does he feel like crushing a woman he hardly knows and their kids by a potential divorce?

Full marks for Empathy, Clone, but consider that cheaters get caught. If not you, someone else. And SOME cheaters get found shot in a double murder/suicide. Would you prefer the option of nipping his issues in the bud NOW so maybe the wife can get over them or have her have to deal with a STRING of infidelities. As discussed in another thread, you are removing HER ability to make a decision.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You have more than enough. Don't spend weeks or months chasing. Give info to OMW. Stop by an attorney. Confront wife. Be strong. Be prepared to end it. Do not ler it drag on forever. It must end one way or another.


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> LostClone,
> 
> Sorry you are going through this.
> 
> ...


Hi AU,

You're right, there is little in emotion in my posts. My work psychologist describes me as demonstrating high alexithymic traits, which is either a trait I was born with or developed through my work. 

I was impacted by some emotions when I typed my original post, as I described being numb. In my mind I couldn't find a path to follow that didn't feel like it was emotive, hence my post to this forum (which has been immensely helpful).

Thank you for your post and sentiments expressed.


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

Hi everyone,

Many thanks to everyone who posted a response. Your candid and rapid responses were what I needed to help me settle on a plan, which I duly exercised last evening (not 100% to plan, but close enough).

I took strength in peoples suggestions to take control, assert myself by laying down ground rules for her to respond to the accusations. Without reading these suggestions from many of you, I would not have thought to control the confrontation like I did. 

So, as a form of closure to this thread here is what happened:

* I decided to confront DS without waiting for further evidence. With support from some posters in this forum, I became confident that I had interpreted the content of the TXT's correctly. 
* The kids were out of the house, so I confronted DS about her actions. Once we agreed on a definition of an affair not including sexual intercourse, she started to unravel the last few months, sometimes in detail, sometimes not.
* I let her do the talking. I didn't ask leading questions, but did prompt for detail where she clearly didn't want to discuss events.
* She took responsibility for her actions, didn't blame me, didn't make excuses.

As some of you are likely aware, it's a huge roller-coaster of emotions and I'm still unsure how I'm feeling. I'm off to seek some professional support in the coming days to help work through everything.

To EVERYONE who posted here, my sincerest thanks for taking the time to post and for your comments and support.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Many thanks to everyone who posted a response. Your candid and rapid responses were what I needed to help me settle on a plan, which I duly exercised last evening (not 100% to plan, but close enough).
> 
> ...


Good you listened but tell the omw now but good it's only the beginning.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Fair comment.


Oh. Another fellow Brit, by any chance?

It sucks to have to be here, but it's good to have found it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You must share these texts with the OMW now.
> 
> Do you know the #1 thing people, especially women is affairs fear? It's blowback happening to their AP. they fear the AP will blame them and dump them.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Please please tell the OMW. She deserves to know what is going on in her family. She au even be able to fix or save her marriage, but only if she knows what she's up against.

Tell her!

Btw, your cheating wife no doubt told the OM about you finding out, and together they will be working out how to take it underground.

Tell the OMW so she can help you catch them.


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## LostClone (Oct 19, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Oh. Another fellow Brit, by any chance?
> 
> It sucks to have to be here, but it's good to have found it.


Colonial.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JCD said:


> He probably doesn't. But does he feel like crushing a woman he hardly knows and their kids by a potential divorce?
> 
> Full marks for Empathy, Clone, but consider that cheaters get caught. If not you, someone else. And SOME cheaters get found shot in a double murder/suicide. Would you prefer the option of nipping his issues in the bud NOW so maybe the wife can get over them or have her have to deal with a STRING of infidelities. As discussed in another thread, you are removing HER ability to make a decision.


Actually, he would not crush her. She has already been crushed. But she just doesn't know it yet...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, he would not crush her. She has already been crushed. But she just doesn't know it yet...


She has the right to make her own decision and affairs thrive on secrecy get it into the light of day.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Many thanks to everyone who posted a response. Your candid and rapid responses were what I needed to help me settle on a plan, which I duly exercised last evening (not 100% to plan, but close enough).
> 
> ...


Many people on TAM have reported that their WS uses trickle truth, i.e., they reveal information about their affairs bit by bit over a long period of time.

They also lie. A ONS = at least six times, six times means they can't remember how many times, etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> She has the right to make her own decision and affairs thrive on secrecy get it into the light of day.


Indeed! Good point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostClone said:


> Colonial.


Yep. That was my second guess, if not a Brit.

It was the use of "Fair Comment" that made me think you could be a Brit!:smthumbup:


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Update?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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