# Was I Gaslighted



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi Guys,

It’s been a while since I used to post in CWI (thank God) and now I’m here in a new relationship that I just ended (we have been together for 10 months) looking for some advice and insight.

We were both separated from our spouses with him being separated two months after we met. My divorce was finalized last year. He had separated from his wife before for four years and they reconciled, had another kid and broke up again (her choice). I thought it was too soon for him to be dating but he insisted he was ready and pursued me in the correct manner. Honestly, he was very upfront with his life and treated me extremely well. I met his ExW plenty of times when she came by to get the kids and even attended the kids functions together as a group. He has purchased me many gifts and opened up his home to me, introduced me to his family, etc.

Problem was I was slow in giving him my affections. I wanted to take my time to get to know him. I know I move slower than most people but I wanted to be sure. Seven months into the relationship, he got tired of my aloofness and wanted to break up. He’s told me he loved me (and showed it) through every step of our relationship prior to the break up. I decided to be a better girlfriend and engaged myself wholeheartedly into the relationship. We argued for a few weeks and eventually got back together.

When we first started dating, he took me to his attorney’s office to discuss particulars of his divorce because he wanted me to know he was being honest and upfront. I didn’t need that type of access but whatever. So after we got back together I asked him was everything filed and he said it was and now they were in the waiting period. A few weeks later, I asked what the length of the waiting period was and I noticed he got uncomfortable. We got into a huge argument and stopped speaking for a week. We resumed talking again but from that point on, he has been a total douche. I mean he became mean and kept saying how I wasn’t into him in the beginning so he can’t get over it. For the past two months, he’s been get upset over very little petty things and using my previous aloofness as an excuse to be a douche. I went online and searched for his divorce filings and found that it wasn’t filed. I brought that up in our second argument and he denied telling me they filed. There isn’t another woman involved either.

He lost his job two weeks before our second argument and doesn’t have the money to pay his mortgage and car note. I know that is taking a toll on him. So I was willing to stand with him in all of this but his nasty attitude became too much. I went out of my way to take him some flowers to plant in his yard and instead of being grateful, he turned that into a problem. He knew I was on my way and he ran to the store to beat the rain with the kids without telling me so I get there and the car is gone. I call and ask what he wants me to do with the flowers and he begins to say he had a bad day, didn't want to think about anything, that I am making him think and gets upset with me. I told him I was leaving and left the flowers in front of his door. He never even said "thank you". So I texted him it was over between us, that he needs professional help, and not to contact me. He texted back “deleted” and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been three weeks. 

I am thinking he is using our old issue to keep me from focusing on his non-divorce filings (which quite frankly I wasn’t too concerned about as I know how long those things take and not concerned about their reconciling). I still care about him obviously and would like things to work out if he apologized and came clean about what is going on with him because I can’t help but think there is more to the story than what I know. The good part about all of this is we never became intimate sexually. He wanted to wait until marriage for that and I was totally onboard with that. Like I said, he was a great guy.

I have no desire to contact him but guess I just need some objective opinions on it. Thoughts?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Just let him go.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

There is no real excuse for his behavior, and not that it ultimately matters specifically what it is called, but you do seem to describe some gaslighting along with stonewalling.

As to the bigger picture, it is possible that your early aloofness has caused an irreparable rift, a hurdle he just can't get over. There appear to be other issues he is having that really have nothing to do with you, yet seem to be bleeding into how he relates to you. I think he is not really in a place to be in a relationship and needs to work on his issues before he will be. I know you have feelings for him, but it may be for the best to take to heart and act on his final word...deleted.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

And now you know "The rest of the story".

The "Whys and Wherefores" of his divorce.

He comes across as thin skinned and definitely has communication problems.

Yes, we all act differently when we are under pressure.

He acts badly and is insensitive and immature. He is not a keeper.

You, on the other hand, act sensibly and judiciously.

Future ill winds rattle all of our doors. He comes apart and goes into KO mode, "too easy", when it touches his glass jaw.

Take your rug.....outside.....shake him loose. Let the Wayward Wind claim It's Own.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He may have ED.

That is why he does not want to "test drive" your relationship. He may have performance issues in the bedroom. This is not something you want to find out "after-the-fact".

Or, he is LD and wants the same quality in any future partner.

Or, he has sexual hang-ups......he does....believe me.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

How upfront was he discussing his issues that lead to the divorce and what has he done about them? What would he have done differently? What are his triggers? These are important and both individuals need to be able to discuss them.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> He may have ED.
> 
> That is why he does not want to "test drive" your relationship. He may have performance issues in the bedroom. This is not something you want to find out "after-the-fact".
> 
> ...


Excuse my ignorance....what is ED and LD? lol

And why would you think he has hang ups? I wanted to wait for marriage as well and have no hangup.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

asia said:


> Excuse my ignorance....what is ED and LD? lol
> 
> And why would you think he has hang ups? I wanted to wait for marriage as well and have no hangup.


Erectile dysfunction and Low Drive/Desire...respectively.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

JohnA said:


> How upfront was he discussing his issues that lead to the divorce and what has he done about them? What would he have done differently? What are his triggers? These are important and both individuals need to be able to discuss them.


He said she wasn't happy and didn't give him any real reasoning behind it. Her family didn't like him and a guys she was seeing when they broke up the first time encouraged her to leave as well. I thought so they could be together as the family seems to like that guy. But I never saw him or heard of him being around.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> There is no real excuse for his behavior, and not that it ultimately matters specifically what it is called, but you do seem to describe some gaslighting along with stonewalling.
> 
> As to the bigger picture, it is possible that your early aloofness has caused an irreparable rift, a hurdle he just can't get over. There appear to be other issues he is having that really have nothing to do with you, yet seem to be bleeding into how he relates to you. I think he is not really in a place to be in a relationship and needs to work on his issues before he will be. I know you have feelings for him, but it may be for the best to take to heart and act on his final word...deleted.


If being aloof was irreparable, why would it take four more months to figure that out? I have gone above and beyond to demonstrate my willingness to engage and he's acknowledged my efforts.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

He may have been still carrying wounds from his previous marriage. 
Your aloofness may have been a trigger, he may not have even of realised that. 
Things are still hurting even if he doesn't admit that. 
Some people need more time to heal. 
Consider yourself lucky perhaps, maybe in the grand scheme of things, he wasn't Mr Right for you. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

asia said:


> If being aloof was irreparable, why would it take four more months to figure that out? I have gone above and beyond to demonstrate my willingness to engage and he's acknowledged my efforts.


No doubt you did, Again, he has other issues that have nothing to do with you, but as to why it took so long...sometimes it just takes time to realize something. It may have gone sort of like this...early on when the spark was building, the time in the relationship when things are supposed to be growing, the aloofness, caution on your part may have served as a damper, and inadvertently tempered things, then throw in the other stuff, and the spark just wasn't able to come back for him.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

So it is all on her? Bull, even if it 1% 99% there is always something. Use this quote from another poster as a guide for yourself and for guys is the future


Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

He owned his behavior.*

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your story. I'm glad you are finally away from your cheating husband. Did he end up with the OW (didn't he cheat on her too)?

The guy you were seeing has a lot of baggage -- as do most of us -- but he hasn't worked on his yet. And he may decide to come back in a week or a month or a year. If that happens, don't let him back in your life until his divorce is final and he's resolved his problems. He's not ready for a relationship.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

JohnA said:


> *So it is all on her?* Bull, even if it 1% 99% there is always something. Use this quote from another poster as a guide for yourself and for guys is the future
> 
> 
> Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*
> ...


I'm not sure anyone's saying that at all. The general consensus seems to be that his behavior wasn't cool, and that he has issues that he needs to work on that have nothing to do with her.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

If I came across as implying that her current mess is on anyone but him, I am sorry. It is all on him and he needs to own what his his in life. The flower incident is an indication of who he is; a passive aggressive 14 year old who never grew up. While I could have posted this upfront and perhaps I should have. 

In any event as a BS I find the post I copied to be inspiring and use it as a measuring stick for myself.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I remember your story. I'm glad you are finally away from your cheating husband. Did he end up with the OW (didn't he cheat on her too)?
> 
> The guy you were seeing has a lot of baggage -- as do most of us -- but he hasn't worked on his yet. And he may decide to come back in a week or a month or a year. If that happens, don't let him back in your life until his divorce is final and he's resolved his problems. He's not ready for a relationship.


Hey Openminded!! 

He actually is engaged to the other woman he cheated on the other woman you mentioned with.....hahaha! I'm glad to be done with that mess.

As for this new guy, I'm stuck on how can he walk around her and think how he handled our last interaction was right. I showed nothing but kindness and he pissed on it. Why, I have no idea. I guess with the job loss and having no money, it was too much. But still, I will never let someone mistreat me again. Those days are long over.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

JohnA said:


> If I came across as implying that her current mess is on anyone but him, I am sorry. It is all on him and he needs to own what his his in life. The flower incident is an indication of who he is; a passive aggressive 14 year old who never grew up. While I could have posted this upfront and perhaps I should have.
> 
> In any event as a BS I find the post I copied to be inspiring and use it as a measuring stick for myself.


JohnA. what do you mean by passive aggressive? I thought passive aggressive meant being petty.....I could be wrong.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sulking, I shouldn't have to tell you, etc is all passive aggressive.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's very passive aggressive. And the real truth here is that he sought out a new woman (you) to 'fix' his pain over losing his wife. Never a good idea. I'm sure we told you to wait at least a year before dating again, and look at what that gave you - the ability to be clear-headed, open-minded and, frankly, wise. He was anything but. 

There's an amazing book you might like called Getting The Love You Want, that talks about why we pick the partners we pick, and how we can stop doing that, lol. Because unless you know better, you'll keep picking a partner like the last one who will 'fix' the holes in your soul created by your childhood. Like if your dad was cold and silent, you'll gravitate toward a cold and silent man, subconsciously hoping that 'this' cold and silent man will change and become NOT cold and silent. 

Which is silly and sets up false hopes. Because your new partner is no more likely to change than your dad.

Anyway, you tried. He just had too much crap. And now you know why his wife divorced him.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Thanks guys. I needed some mature discussion and received it.

It still confuses me how he can think his behavior (particularly with the flowers) is normal and appropriate. I mean, who does that?

But it is clear from everyone's responses his issues are much bigger than me and although I dont know what they are, I think I did the right thing by ending it. Hopefully, I will get some answers for what happened from him one day. At this point I think he hates me...lol.


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