# Husband "thinks" he wants a divorce



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I guess I will start at the beginning. My husband and I had a very fairytale and extremely short courtship, very intense and very passionate. Soon after we got married, we took over a family business which was a strip club. Now at the time, I thought I was the type of woman that could handle this type of scenario but I wasn’t, I developed many trust issues with my husband. He began hiding texts sent from the girls thinking I couldn’t handle it – well upon finding this out it validated my concerns only making it worse. In turn he found out I lied about a friend who I had slept with in the past and he began having trust issues with me. This was a downward spiral of shameless activity on both sides, even though there was never validated cheating, nobody trusted each other.

On top of that our fights would get out of control and our communication was horrible. We could fight all night talking in circles – it almost became a battle of whose memory could prove better. It was exhausting.

We ended up selling the club and moving closer to my job, he went back to school and began working full time as well. We still had a lot of residual minutia from before and the fighting continued. Our last really huge fight happened while we were on vacation, unfortunately we took the fight out of the hotel room and he ended up in jail 

So we decided the next step was counseling. This somewhat helped, trust issues began to fade away and our fights no longer got out of hand. When we do have arguments we still tend to talk in circles, it’s frustrating and often times lacks resolution. 

Lately it’s been kind of “empty” here. We rarely see each other because he works nights and goes to school full times – I also have a full time job and compete in fitness competitions so I am at the gym quite a bit. Our sex life is minimal. He has an issue “finishing” which while I knew was always a problem for him, has gotten significantly worse, and the few times I have brought it up has made him feel bad. Now he says he “views sex like a woman” instead of enjoying he just thinks the whole time and he rarely wants to bother with it.

A few days ago he told me he “thinks” he wants a divorce. He is applying for out of state schools and doesn’t want to uproot me when thinks are so dismal. He says after two years of trying, and we still can’t get it together and it’s not a life either of us should live. He still wants to try but either something needs to happen or we need to move on, fast. He also said he waivers between being “in love with me” and just “loving me.” He feels our versions of love are different and what “in love” means. He told me he feels angrier than he ever has in his life and sometimes doesn’t care about anything, including me. 

Recently, he has a sore on his penis. I don’t think he would cheat on me and figured it was some skin issue and told him to go to the doctor. The first doctor said it was nothing, the second doctor said she was 95% sure from looking at it, it is syphilis. He did a full STD test and tested negative for everything. This sore has popped up twice in the same spot. He told me that thoughts entered his mind with our lack of sex life, me being alone at night etc. that he did have thought that it was “possible” I could be cheating. I’m not and would never; after all we have been through with these trust issues I can’t believe he would even think that way about me.

He also said he thinks I play games and manipulate him at times (which I don’t, or at least not intentionally). He admitted to manipulating me at times. He blames this on him being raised in a very tumultuous environment and me being raised in a very peaceful one. He expects the worst for me and acts how he does because of his family life prior to me.
I don’t know what to do here. I love him with all my heart. I have had thoughts of separation but I love him too much to ever act on it. He told me no woman has ever taken care of him like I do, that he would never have one bad thing to say about me – which is why it frustrates him that we always miss the mark and can’t just be “happy.” He said two years of this has worn him down. 

If this helps I am 30 and he is 27. We just had our 2 year anniversary. No kids, financially secure and I have a good career in software while he works in personal protection full time and is a full time student.

If anyone has any advice I am open. It was really hard for me to consolidate all this as there are plenty more details but that is the summary.


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## wife2 (Nov 22, 2011)

Do u still love him? r u in love with him? if yes than u need to seek counseling and try to make it work, if the answer is no, then let him go and try to end as friends instead of enemies. see if he is even willing to put in the effort to save it, if not u r done anyway.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I am in love with him. We went to counseling before and he told me he doesn't want to go again.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Anyone? I see people reading but no responses. I could really use any type of help,advice,input, anything


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, I'll give this a shot. Did you actually see the test results/reports from the doctors your husband visited, or did he merely tell you he doesn't have a STD? I wouldn't be suspicious, but the fact that he turned the tables and is trying to pin the blame on you makes me think he could be cheating. I mean, c'mon, he has a SORE on his penis. It ain't acne! It sounds somewhat like genital herpes to me. I don't buy that a medical doctor diagnosed syphillis with 95% certainty, but the tests all came back negative.

So, you guys have had huge arguments in the past, your husband has given you the old "love you but not in love with you" line, he doesn't want counseling, and he wants things to change or he's wants to move on "fast," and he always thinks the worst of you, but you love him with all your heart.

I think you two talk in circles only because one party wants to "win" and score points. It's a waste of time. Couples spend more worthless hours trying to prove their point, win their point, feel they're right ... I dunno ... doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me; more like a debating team.

You've invested time in the marriage, so letting go would be painful. But I see so many people on this forum who hang onto their misery, because it is familiar, rather than letting go and having a real life.

I know it's extremely painful and difficult, but leaving may be the only choice you have. Or you can stay and he may move on, because he's making it clear he's worn out from the relationship.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get yourself tested for STDs.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think that you two did not spend enough time getting to know each other before you got married. It sounds like you had a sexual attraction, but do not make a good emotional team. You need to balance each other out, and meet each other's needs.

The fact that he suggests that the sore on his penis comes from you cheating tells me that he may have cheated on you. Cheaters often assume that because they are unfaithful, their spouse will be too. 

He sounds emotionally immature, and is unable to discuss issues calmly and rationally. He seems like a child, lying to his mother, selfishly wanting his own way without considering how you two should be working together as a team. Nothing is his fault; he takes no responsibility for his part in the relationship.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well he said sometimes he "loves me" and sometimes he is "in love with me." I feel you are either "in love" with someone or you aren't - that's when he said our views of "in love" are different, because as long as he is here he is "in love." 

The doctor felt it was syphilis by looking at it but the test was negative. I never saw the results, but my lady friend is very sensitive so if he has anything it will pop up on me eventually (and yes I will go get tested). I actually have genital herpes type-1, which I was diagnosed with 10 years ago (I only had one outbreak). Initially we though that's what it was (he assumed he already had it because of me) but he tested negative for type 1 and 2. I personally didn't think syphilis because syphilis doesn't reappear like herpes and this is the second time it has appeared in the exact same spot. It's not really a sore more like a large lump with a scab? Why his logic defaulted to me idk - he said he doesn't think I would cheat but anything is a "possibility." Either that could be one of the theories you guys mentioned, he still has trust issues with me or he is more of a pessimist. 

Yes, we did get married too soon. We actually met on the internet and talked for months on end for 9 hours a day. Eventually we met in Vegas and he took me to Italy for my birthday. Shortly after he moved and we had only spent 3 physical weeks together when we tied the knot. Neither of us were looking for a relationship when we met, but both felt we were "soul mates."

I'm not here because I am comfortable...I'm here because I love him so incredibly much. I had been in long term relationships before, and when we met I wasn't looking for anything - but he just spoke to me on some other level. I am financially secure so it's not that either. I just love him, plain and simple. That being said, it takes two to tango and even though he says he wants to work on things as a last effort he still seems distant/grumpy/angry. I know he is tired of the drama, but in my mind it really is pretty even keel around here. It seems like any normal disagreement he adds the past onto it and for him it becomes something more. He also thinks I am walking around here miserable, but this almost seems like he is projecting his feelings onto me? I'm not sure. As this is the last effort, he said "status quo" living won't suffice, something really has to give - but while I am doing everything I can, he is still quiet/seems like he wants to be left alone and that seems like more of the same.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

*Genital warts*.. you need to both get tested and both see the results directly from the doctor.

Don't be in denial.... and don't make excuses. You have to face it head on, whatever it may be.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Call me naive but I'm really not too concerned about the STD aspect of this and/or infidelity. Not saying I shouldn't do my due diligence, but that's not my main concern here. 

I am more worried about what's going on in his head and what I should do to salvage things. As we don't have any external problems, he wants all the internal stuff to cease ("why can't we just be happy" he says). Thing is, he is so jaded by the past he is reading into things that don't exist anymore. Well heck, most of our troubles were made up, built on assumptions and not what really happened. 

My friend told me just to give him space, but it's hard to do when you live in a condo. Also, I know he is tried of the drama but I want to talk and sort things out as I need to plan, regardless of the outcome. If he actually said "I'm not in love with you anymore" that's pretty much the end for me, but that's not what he said (he told me he feels like Christian Bale's character in "The Prestige" if you have ever seen the movie). He tells me he loves me about 20 times a day, we are still affectionate, we have this interpersonal thing we do (we make a lame sound at each other) and he still does that all the time. I don't even know what to write here I am so confused.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Emma1981 said:


> Call me naive but I'm really not too concerned about the STD aspect of this and/or infidelity.


:smthumbup: up for not giving into the typical "omg get tested!" mob.

You sound like a very logical person Emma, and your husband not so much. When you wrote that he was projecting his feelings onto you, it is exactly what I was thinking while reading it. It's dizzy to read about his back-and-forth from your posts actually- loves you 20x a day but isn't sure what he wants, but he's still 'there' so... I agree with "lovesherma" in that he sounds emotionally immature, and based simply on your comments [I need to talk and he doesn't want to] I also agree on the emotional imbalance. 

Responding directly however to "what I should do to salvage things" - You've tried counseling, you've tried communication... it's time for some tough love, or time to start doing what you need to do for detachment. Giving him space in the same condo can be done, as it's not meant for physical space. It means, give him a little space from the loving you and see how he reacts. IE: If he makes the "interpersonal" noise and you don't respond, or says he loves you and you don't respond as typical, more than likely you are going to watch his insecurities fly. You are going to make him think about what he is doing, and stop acting like the "norm" around the house. He may also accuse you of being mean, or get angry because you are acting different, but that should do nothing but prove for you the he is the issue, and he needs to seek personal counseling. If he isn't willing to communicate and do his half of the marriage duties, then you've done all you can and no amount of 'talking' will get to him anyway.

p.s. debug it, watch the stack-trace, and implement a hotfix... works even in marriage right?


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks for saying that - I know STDs are always a valid concern, but I don't feel that's my issue. 

I think he is really stressed out and tired. I would actually consider him the more "logical" thinker as he can really problem solve and separate that from emotion. Unfortunately, it feels like he has really shut down after 2 years of stress. Being that we took over the strip club right after we got married, that's when the problems started so we never had an good patch.

I see what you are saying about distancing myself, I just don't know if I can do that  I have read about doing the 180 but I don't see that as working in our situation. Ughhh not sure. 

I think one of the main reasons this has reared it's head now is because he is in the process of applying to colleges across the country, so it's become an issue of - does he uproot me from my career/family when things have been so up and down and does he want this to continue for himself. I also think he has come to see "us" as the root of all problems. If he gets rid of "us" everything will be so easy. Thing is I have seen him say he in unhappy in general and then he will say his life is great except for out marital problems. His life pre-me was traveling the world via the marines and they doing security contracting. He never planned on getting married, having kids - then he met me, stopped everything and came home to a more settled life. I think it's a combination of reality setting in, in addition to all our stress that we had previously (I see him looking at military sites quite a bit and he has said he misses the life). 

He also has a pretty busy life. He works 10pm-6am 5 days a week and goes to school from 7:30am-9:30am and 5:30pm-7:30 pm on some days. He is run down quite a bit and I know being tired certainly doesn't help things.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well last night we got into another conversation - he said he was done and had no hope for us, feelings had changed, he would go to counseling if it made me feel better but I am just prolonging the inevitable. Everything I said that was positive, he would restate in past tense such as "we had...". After 2-3 hours of this, I was exhausted, accepted my fate and did my best to fall asleep for a few hours. I woke up this morning and decided to work from home, called my mom and a friend letting them know what happened. He is mid-finals and left for school. While he was gone I made a game plan for what I had to do today to grab some sanity- pack stuff, go stay with my mother, open another bank account so we could divvy up our savings, and would let him stay in the condo until he found another place to live etc. He came home and I told him all this, he started crying and said he does want to go to both individual and marital counseling again - he feels it's something inside him and he's not happy. Now he has "hope." I don't know what to do here. He sleeps during the day (grave shift) and I am still working from home - part of me wants to go to my mother's anyway for some space AND part of me wants to stay here. What do you do when you love someone so much, and then this.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Give him what he asked for, because right now you are just feeding this drama. He says one thing, and then cries when you follow it? Sounds like he needs to come visit the mens clubhouse. I as well am former military, and I can tell you that missing (adjusting) from that lifestyle is difficult and individual counseling can help adjust (even if he wasn't military). All this post tells me is that the previous assertions are correct: He is emotionally immature, and he's actually doing a pretty good job at controlling you during his mood-swings. Something tells me however that no amount of words spoken will get him to straiten up. It's going to take something major to get him to wake up... and that is the hard decision to make. :/


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## myelw316 (Nov 18, 2011)

I would stay with him and try to work on it.
I would sign up for that Mort Fertel Marriage program (it's expensive, I think, but it seems to work). I would do it soon.
Once you move out and are 'separated' it's harder. While you are still together jump on it and try to fix it.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well I am going to my mother's for a week to give us some space - it just seems like me staying around the house will produce more of the same. I don't want to go, but I don't know what else to do. I feel like I have to be ready for anything - I just love him so much. As long as he wants to try I don't think I will ever stop trying.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well I haven't gotten many responses to my post, but even just writing here feels good to me. I ended up staying with my mom temporarily - so far I have been here for 4 days. My husband is going to visit his family next week for 4 days - I have been the only person he has talked to about this and wants to get their advice/help. 

We spoke on the phone yesterday, and he just seems so lost - hasn't been able to sleep/eat and is under the pressure of finals today. He was under the assumption I wanted him to move out and found a place - I told him this was not the case so that got put on the back burner temporarily. He just feels like he can't get over the past and that our relationship will always be miserable. The first year of our marriage we lied to our family about getting married, fought non-stop (and these fights were nasty), had unfounded trust issues etc. He doesn't understand how I can be ok with things - but to me, we never fight anymore and if we do have a disagreement it never gets out of hand, IDK I have just let it go. He feels our love is "tainted" and we might never be able to get back what we "had." After what I have read on these forums, it just doesn't seem to warrant divorce - no cheating, he has never hit me (or vice versa), we are both incredibly considerate of the other etc. He said he would go to counseling but really, maybe after hearing him express his issues over and over again now I am going from having hope to hopeless.


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## rightallalong (Dec 6, 2011)

don't mean to sound rude but this all sounds like one hell of a drama, if he is really putting in all those hours you say he is then he is probably absolutely exhausted. Maybe you both need some space just to chill out and relax before you make any decisions about anything. Re: the STD thing there are a number of conditions that can be aquired and sometimes even passed on years before there are any noticable symptoms so it doesnt necessarily indicate cheating either one of you could have caught something well before you met


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Not rude at all - I agree with you as I am living it. Right now I am at my mother's and he will be leaving for a few days next week to visit his folks to gather advice. He says I can come home w/e I want, but I don't see the point - so we can have menial chats and/or discuss what he doesn't know? It almost seems more awkward now that I left - part of me wants to go home and part of me likes the serenity of my mom's house. 

We have had one phone conversation since I left and had pretty basic emails dealing with daily life we need to communicate about - still tell each other we love each other. As mentioned, he is open to counseling- but we were both unhappy with our first counselor and I am trying to "interview" this go around. IDK it all seems like smoke and mirrors and I am not sure how you find one without doing a full session (or a few). I just feel so lost. My day is just going through the motions - sleep, work, gym, work, talk my family to death and sleep. 

I just don't get how you can be in love with someone and not want to make it work - be confused.

Yeah, not worried about STDS it's more the mental side of it. Him thinking it could be me and/or he told me part of him wanted it to be something so he had a reason to leave.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well I was at my mom's for 11 days and finally came home - my husband left today, thus we have yet to see each other. He still tells me he loves me, says "sometimes" he misses me and sometimes he just clears his mind of everything. He tells me he is extremely stressed out - from what I gather because he is unhappy, but if he does decide to leave he fears he will be making the biggest mistake of his life. He will be with family for a few days trying to figure something/anything out. I am not sure what conclusions he will draw from speaking with his parents and best friend - I almost fear his return. I am afraid he is going to come home and tell me again "it's over" after he wavered from it the first time. I have decided I am going to be here when he comes home and be ready for anything.

He just seems so distant, says he doesn't want to talk about things but he knows we need to. I feel so lost.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You guys need to work on trust, communication, and conflict resolution. You definitely need a counselor because the way you're describing your situation, it sounds like both of you are so entrenched in your own patterns, habits, and behaviors that you're guarded against each other and not allowing yourselves to be vulnerable or emotionally intimate. 

I don't think he's telling you the truth about what he is experiencing or thinking. I suspect he is either involved with someone else or thinks that he wants to be. It is doubtful that he'd want to leave and go elsewhere, just because there's been too much turbulence, given the fact that he grew up in turbulence.

Whether or not you are worried about having an STD, you should still go get checked out and so should he -- and you should actually see the results yourself, as should he. This is less about whether or not either of you has something, and more about the fact that if one of you has something, then there is a secret that is causing a rift between you both and that's one quick and easy way to find out if something's up.

If you love him and you believe he loves you, then you should do two things: 1)fight for your marriage, and 2)find out if it is under some kind of threat from outside, like infidelity or temptation or just boredom. Find out what the real problem is (which will be hard because it does indeed sound like you guys fight to win rather than to resolve something, which is indicative of a power imbalance, either real or perceived between you) and you have a better chance at fixing it. Another option is just throwing in the towel, but, it sounds like you want to save your relationship and make it better; just remember that it takes two to want to make it work for it to actually work and if he's not into it or not committed, then you won't be able to carry it on your own without suffering and serious problems down the line.

It sounds like you have been through a lot together and I wish you luck.


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## fila (Dec 14, 2011)

Hi emma..i've been following all said , too many advices can't be too much,but as they say too many cooks spoil the brooth,u must appropriately weighed them cos u only knows the details.....after all said,remember no marriage is without its dents but the only thing that keeps u in it is the love,which is the basic. The way everything sounds u guyz really luv each other no doubt about that, but one thing we always forget that even when in love there will still be moments of turmoil,he might be going thru his now, so u cant afford to let him go, u need to stick by him, it's a matter of time, he will get out of it,years to come it might be you,am sure he's going to stick by you, the idea of people talkng about moving on with their life where thru love is just to me running away from confronting a problem,in case u get out of this and u marry another fellow and something else happen,which i know will defntly happen, will u get out of that too....Emma stick by ur man, he's going thru a rough time, the earlier u stick by him, the faster u guys make this a thing of the past......Since there is still that connectivity,the love,u guyz can conquere all.....sorry it may sound simple,but it's the truth, experts can complicate issues for u guyz


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