# Wife or Kids how can i choose?



## emptiness76 (Jun 14, 2011)

I met my amazing wife 5 years ago. She gave up her entire life in the states to move to the UK to be with me. A life that incuded leaving her 3 kids behind (all be it in their 20's still her kids) When she arrived it was just the two of us and everything was perfect. I was having difficulty seeing my own kids who are now 15 and 12, as my ex wanted to ruin my life, but after a 3 year court case i was a awarded full costody. Something which my wife fully supported. However we didnt forsee the implications this would have on our relationship. My wife felt robbed of our happiness together as there was never any "us" time that we talked about for so long before she got here. And allthough she loves my kids, playing mother to them isn't what she gave up her whole life for. I've tried every possible thing i can think of to make it work as a family without any success. My wife has left me and headed back to New York. I fully understand her reasons for this and respect her decission. Now for the killer. I love her with all my heart and she feels the same way about me too. We both still want to spend the rest of our lives together. She is all i'll ever need. But for this to happen i have to leave my kids. Now i know some of you will disagree with this but I've spoke to both of them and told them exactlly how i feel. I was quite shocked yet extremely proud of how mature they've become. Especially when my 12 year old daughter said " You should go to america and be happy. You'll always be our dad and nothing will ever change that. I'll miss you but always love you. It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, it's what we think that counts" And my 15 year old son said "He undersatnds that if i leave i'm not leaving because of them and that i'll always love them and be there for them. And that he'd be leaving me sooner or later". I'm not sure if them saying that made a decission easier or harder to make. All i know is no matter which way i go i'll be hurting like hell


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Your kids come first. A woman who would leave her own children isn't someone I would consider wife material if you have your own. Because anyone who marries someone with children must be willing to accept those children as their own. You can become a parent at any time should the custodial parent die or have an issue.

She not only left you, she left your children. If you leave them too, it will hurt them deeply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

CC is 100% correct. YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST. If she loved you that much, she would have never put you in this position. It is your responsiblity to take care of your children until they can take care of themselves. Your "wife" can take care of herself, your children cannot.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

michzz said:


> Do not leave your minor children!
> 
> This lady is not worth it. I don't believe you are thinking with the big head on your shoulders.


Take them with you??? Why not? If someone makes you make that choice, they don't truly love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

Please see beyond what your kids are saying. They are saying they love you deeply and care about your happiness to the point of sacrificing their own happiness. I'm willing to bet both were crying or lying in their beds awake all night worrying about you leaving. It really truly could scar them especially if you ex is as demanding as you describe. Besides it'll give her fodder to badmouth you then you may never repair that relationship. If this woman is really worth it, try again in 6 years. For now your family is forever, stay with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

OMG... you shouldn't HAVE to choose. Teens are hard, but they grow up fast-- you don't need her, she doesn't deserve you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> Do not leave your minor children!
> 
> This lady is not worth it. I don't believe you are thinking with the big head on your shoulders.





golfergirl said:


> Take them with you??? Why not? If someone makes you make that choice, they don't truly love you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No!! Do not go away from them. sorry for the confusion.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are heartbroken, but you did not fight 3 years for FULL custody of your children just to turn around and abandon them. That would ruin both their childhoods.

Please reassure your children that you will never abandon them.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I'm raising children that their mother abandoned with their father (my H.) I've had them for nearly 12 years. My hubby barely saw them when we met, and got them full time SIX WEEKS before we got married. They were 4 and 2. I was 20. Hubby has recently asked for a separation, and guess what? Those babies (now 13 and 15) are COMING WITH ME!!!

There are women out there that will love you and your children too. The kids ALWAYS come first, don't leave them.....


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Unbelievable! This woman doesn't love you.If she can just leave you because of your minor children, your relationship has no foundation to begin with. I'm sorry for you.


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## emptiness76 (Jun 14, 2011)

I'm not suprised at your responses. A big part of me feels exactly the same way. Maybe it was a mistake for me to post in the first place. I only wrote a few lines to try and get to the point. I do appreciate the support of total strangers and i do realise you cant really pass judgment unless you know the full story or have been in exactly the same position as i've found myself. Just out of curiosity i wonder how many of you that commented are women with kids?


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## Mirrormask (Jun 15, 2011)

I will not say your wife was wrong for leaving her children, only for the fact that they are fully grown. Your children on the other hand are minors, stay with your children period. If your wife cannot agree to that, then make sure to use delta for her ticket.

But on a different note. I will say your children are old enough to understand you would not be walking out on them. So i do understand the situation entirely. I think i would have broke down and cried if my children had said that. Part happy tears and part sad tears. But thing thing is that your wife has had a raised her children and is looking for a kicked back life now. Which leads me to believe she had the initial impression that the children where not gonna be part of the deal when she got there. But her lack of maturity on how she has chose to handle this is what drops my jaw. You cant have one without the other in your situation. I really hate that you have been put in this situation. But my heart goes out to your children when i say this. I feel that even tho they are old enough to understand you would not be walking out on them, they still need you as the role model in their life. So from one man to another i will tell you. Stay with them. Love knows what is right and wrong. It will reward you for doing the right thing, it will bring another for you.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

You're first responsibility is to those kids... You need to fulfill your responsibility to those kids. 

If your wife truly loved you... she would accept your kids as part of the deal.....

Spend every minute you can with your kids. They only grow up once.. Don't miss it. If you do.. you'll have regrets later.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

The court would not have granted full custody to you if the kids were previously living with their mother unless there were compelling reasons for it to do so. Who will the children live with if you go to the States with your wife? They are minors and deserve a safe and stable home. My view is that it is your absolute duty to do right by your children.

My husband and I do not have children by choice but he has 2 children from a former marriage (now adult). We never anticipated having the children live with us but at a roughly similar age to yours they had to come to live with us very suddenly due to mental instability of their mother.

I admit that I fully understand your wife's feelings on the subject. It nearly broke our marriage. Although I stayed and we got out the other side we have had relationship problems ever since (for nearly 15 years) and are only just dealing with these and finding happiness again. So I fully appreciate the stresses and strains of this.

If your wife loves you but is not prepared to live with your children then the choices would appear to be for her to remain in the USA and for you both to conduct a long distance relationship until your youngest reaches 18 in 6 years time. Alternatively you move closer together but maintain separate households so that the distance is not quite so prohibitive but she does not have to deal with the daily grind of teenagers.

When you were together, though, what efforts did you make for "you" time? My husband was quite clear to his children that while they were welcome in our home and our lives, we had a marriage to run and we would be spending some time going out as a couple, sending them to stay with other relatives for the occasional week's holiday etc. This was vital.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't understand the ugly comments directed at your wife. She realized that raising someone else's kids is not for her, it's not a crime and she is not obligated. She didn't demand you get rid of your kids, she did the honorable thing and left. Sometimes life circumstances aren't compatible. She probably does love you, but she is entitled to decide what works for her. Life isn't fair. Do not leave your kids, get them to adulthood and see what the future brings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Haven't your kids been through enough? Your separation from their mother, the custody fight, not seeing you while their mother kept them from you, adjusting to being with you full time and getting to know a step-mother who has now left them?

Now they will have to go live...where??...while Dad leaves the continent?

Please choose your kids. It is your moral mandate. It is not ok to make yourself happy at their expense.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Zombie thread


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Kids always come first. 

I understand your wife's point of view though. She left her own kids for you and feels you should do the same.. However her kids are older and have moved out of the home so it's slightly different.

If she loves you she would love your kids too because they're a part of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Oh zombie thread my bad ._.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sounds like the kids are the adults and the adults are the kids in this story.

If it is a true story then I feel sorry for all the kids involved.


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