# Question for the Ladies.. and I think I may have blown it.



## Troubledpaladin (Aug 1, 2012)

I am new to these types of forums, but I know I should have come earlier. Me and the wife have been together for nearly 10 years, married for almost 6 of them. Our marriage is crumbling, badly. Things in her personal life are not great and she has a lot of baggage which I won't get into. The biggest issue between us is intimacy. 
We haven't had sex in several years, despite both of us being in our 30s. Essentially, I am impotent. There doesn't seem to be a clear medical reason, I have tried a few ED meds and they only sort of work. My wife thinks it's her and from reading similar forums like this, I understand why she thinks that. I find her very attractive and desirable, but I cannot find a way to make her see that without intercourse. 
I want to touch her, hold her stroke her, but I feel like that leads to sex. I believe she wants the same, but she is worried she will want sex too much only to have me disappoint her again. 
I have been trying to find ways, but honestly I a feel scared and everything seems to come off halfbaked and insincere. It feels like i have waited too long and that nothing I can do will ever fix us.
The worst part is that she feels like an 'it' and not a 'she'. She also says she feels like our home is just a place she is staying and that no place is truly hers.
I curse my body every day for not responding the way I want. I curse my mind for not being able to figure out a way to fix things. And I curse myself for not trying harder in the past.
Please, I have seen several women in here who have difficult relationships.. any advice is sorely needed.


----------



## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Have you been to a psychologist? If there is not a physical reason for the impotency, then maybe there is a psychological reason.


----------



## TexasGurl (Jul 25, 2012)

My husband has a similar issue. He's gone to the doc and tried several meds which don't work very well. He would also shy away from any sexual contact fearing he couldn't perform, which in turn led me to believe he repelled me and wanted no contact. His doc recommended he not do that, and instead just have some 'play time' without constantly thinking about whether or not he was able to get an erection and if he's able to get an erection, great. If not, it was ok and not to stress because oral sex is satisfying as well. He even said to look into toys and devices to help men erect. He also said he could make him an appt with a urologist to discuss the issues and alternatives, such as implants. I think this may be an option for you to look into if you're having such problems. Discuss this with your wife. Even if she's hesitant, make the appt because you also need something to boost your self esteem. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You can be "intimate" without intercourse. And I'd think that a wife could be satisfied with alot of "foreplay" even knowing that there wouldn't be intercourse. 

I just think that nothing at all, no intimacy.... would build resentment, and be sad for both parties.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What is causing the ED ? Have you seen a Doctor... there is always Vacuum Erection devices - this will give you 30 minutes for intercourse safely. Vacuum Erection Device | VED Systems

There is a book written by Sex Therapists specifically for SEX without intercourse... this could help you so much...

 Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse 

Don't allow the *emotional Intimacy *to slide, it is too suffering for you both, work together on this, express how you feel, see the Doctors, get the blood tests (have you had your Testosterone checked?) ... if viagra doesn't work, maybe your Insurance will cover a Penis Pump..then you can just Pump & go!

There are ways ....you just need to seek them out & be in this together. I feel for your situation, that has to be so difficult on both sides. 

Here is another book,  Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems  It if is related to your FEAR of not being able to perform , this book will take you through the same steps a SeX therapist would ...called "Sensate Focus" exercises to help you relax & get your mind off performing.


----------



## srtjm (Jul 11, 2012)

:iagree:


SimplyAmorous said:


> What is causing the ED ? Have you seen a Doctor... there is always Vacuum Erection devices - this will give you 30 minutes for intercourse safely. Vacuum Erection Device | VED Systems
> 
> There is a book written by Sex Therapists specifically for SEX without intercourse... this could help you so much...
> 
> ...


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

There are other types of sex other than penis in vagina. You can use your hands, you can use toys, you can use a strap on. Are those things not a possibility?


----------



## srtjm (Jul 11, 2012)

sandc said:


> There are other types of sex other than penis in vagina. You can use your hands, you can use toys, you can use a strap on. Are those things not a possibility?


 Some times I concentrate only on Playing my wifes Body (I tell her like an Instrument), then I roll over and Go to sleep. I use lips tongue, Nuru Gell, Toys the works. She tells me that she really enjoys these times.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Absolutely. I do the same...when I can control myself.


----------

