# Do I talk to my son about Masturbation or not?



## Tango49

Bit of background...Both my wife and I came from a very 'Victorian' type back ground. Neither of us have ever seen our parents naked - nudity was taboo.

I went to boarding school - communal showers etc, no political correctness etc.

When we had children my wife and I decided that we would be more open. That is, if I was in the shower and my our son or daughter walked in it was no big deal... We certainly don't wander round the house naked, but neither do we hide in corners when naked. For all of us nudity is no big deal.

My son is now also at boarding school.... he was recently home for a couple of weeks...boy has he grown up! He is no longer a little 'boy' if you know what I mean!

We have the usual father son banter...I ask if he has a girlfriend, we joke about 15 year old 'willies' having a life of their own and 'waking' up in the middle of a maths class etc!

He made a comment that stumped me....'my willy is very dry'.

We are both circumcised...he for medical reasons aged 3 and me for personal reasons aged 41.
Without going into too much detail, masturbating a circumcised penis often needs 'lube'. 

Here is my dilemma...do I just give him a bottle of hand cream/lotion and say nothing and hope he gets the hint...or do I explain slightly? Or do I do nothing and let him learn on his own?

I try to be a realist....I know he will be much like me and every other 15yr old male....its the best toy ever and he won't be able to keep if hands off it!! 
I don't want to be seen to actively encourage him to masturbate but I certainly dont want to discourage it either...its a fact of life. All teenage males do it.

Have any other parents/fathers been in this situation?


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## imtamnew

Tango49 said:


> Without going into too much detail, masturbating a circumcised penis often needs 'lube'.


No it doesn't.
:scratchhead:


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## turnera

He needs to hear the REAL truth from you, that it's normal but you have a responsibility not to hurt another person (ie, any girl you may want to use for your own pursuits) so, in the meantime, you take care of yourself.


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## mablenc

Well he opened up to you about being very dry, why can't you do the same? He's telling you about a problem if not you, who can he ask?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tango49

Turnera & Mablenc - thanks. I know you are both right. I am happy to talk to him about safe sex, condoms, respect, right time etc in general terms...but I'm just a bit wary about personalising it...in effect I would be telling my son the best way to masturbate! I just wonder if that is crossing the line?...When I was at boarding school we used to discuss 'methods' with each other. I suppose the politically correct, nanny state we now live in means parents now need to 'teach' our children certain things that were once learnt about from their school colleagues/contempories/friends etc. they now have to turn to their parents. Some things, I feel, are best explained by friends their own age!

Any other Dad's out there had to cross this same bridge? :scratchhead:

(Im Tam - so do some don't. Depends on how much skin was left I guess)


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## Maneo

have three boys, all grown to men now. never had a conversation with them about self gratification or other details of any other sex act. we did talk about respect for both oneself and others and never doing anything you feel uncomfortable with nor imposing the same on anyone else - in other words talk about relationships and self esteem.
When each boy started college at age 18 among other things I gave them as a send off was a box of condoms and spoke about safe sex.
Nary a word asked nor given about masturbation or any other sexual practice. All three have or have had steady girl friends and no apparent problems other the normal angst of young love.


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## Unique Username

Tango49 said:


> Turnera & Mablenc - thanks. I know you are both right. I am happy to talk to him about safe sex, condoms, respect, right time etc in general terms...but I'm just a bit wary about personalising it...in effect I would be telling my son the best way to masturbate! I just wonder if that is crossing the line?...When I was at boarding school we used to discuss 'methods' with each other. I suppose the politically correct, nanny state we now live in means parents now need to 'teach' our children certain things that were once learnt about from their school colleagues/contempories/friends etc. they now have to turn to their parents. Some things, I feel, are best explained by friends their own age!
> 
> Any other Dad's out there had to cross this same bridge? :scratchhead:
> 
> (Im Tam - so do some don't. Depends on how much skin was left I guess)


Nobody wants to know the details of their parents sexuality.

So, discussing what you like and how you do it - that is inappropriate.

He said he's dry, so explain what lubrication choices are available and leave it at that. 

Until the next question comes up...
Answer what they ask - explain in conversation that the child can understand...I explain things nonchalantly and conversationally...normal facial expressions, matter-of-fact...then I add in what my moral views are on the subject. Then move on to talking about something else matter-of-factly.
Always leave the opportunity open to be asked questions about WHATEVER comes up.

mho


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## turnera

Tango49 said:


> Turnera & Mablenc - thanks. I know you are both right. I am happy to talk to him about safe sex, condoms, respect, right time etc in general terms...but I'm just a bit wary about personalising it...in effect I would be telling my son the best way to masturbate! I just wonder if that is crossing the line?...


Of course it's not! Who ELSE do you want him to learn it from?!

And Unique is right, don't make it about what YOU like, make it about what is normal for a male to go through.


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## mablenc

I agree with unique, he said its dry down there, response could be "son, there are lubricants you can use. If you like I can buy/give you money."

Oh just hand him a bottle and say this helps with the dryness. 

You don't need to into detail. There are predators out there that take advantage of the lack of communication to lure kids in. This new generation is one to ask or go online, last thing you want is him falling on the wrong hands for advice.


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## ScarletBegonias

I talked to my son about every thing. he told me flat out that he didn't want to discuss things with his dad bc "dad doesn't listen and only talks about what he wants to talk about."

I think you need to give your kid as much information as you can about his body and sex.

Would you rather have him get the information from you or from the internet/his friends?


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## Tango49

On of my thoughts was to just hand him a bottle of moisturiser and just say something like 'here try this'....and hope he gets the hint!

Its tough...you want to do the best for them and for them to learn from your experiences, but sometimes its best just to let them discover the 'world' for themselves....but be in the background to guide them..very discreetly.
Getting the balance right isn't easy!


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## mablenc

Tango49 said:


> On of my thoughts was to just hand him a bottle of moisturiser and just say something like 'here try this'....and hope he gets the hint!
> 
> Its tough...you want to do the best for them and for them to learn from your experiences, but sometimes its best just to let them discover the 'world' for themselves....but be in the background to guide them..very discreetly.
> Getting the balance right isn't easy!


I know it makes you uncomfortable but, it's better for him if you are the person he can talk to. Some of the schools also tell the children to talk to their parents. I don't think giving him lubricant and being specific that it's not for his chapped hands is crossing the line.


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## mablenc

What of you leave it in his room with a note?


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## Tango49

Scarlet....I learnt from my friends (internet didnt exist then!!!!). We discussed things that (in those days - mid 80's) most boys talked about.
In those days it would have been quite 'normal' for someone to say..'hey, you should try wanking with vaseline...Its FANTASTIC!'

So yes, some things are best learnt from friends...


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## Tango49

Maybe I'll just buy him some moisturiser and tell him to put it on his dry 'willy'..... 
Hopefully mother nature will take over at this point! If she doesn't I'll be back on here!!!


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## Unique Username

Great opportunity to re-enforce safe-sex. Discuss peer pressure, and someone calling you chicken or questioning your manhood to get you to have intimate contact with someone is bullshyt! Example, one can get or give herpes with a BJ (oral/anal/hand-job /blowjobs are all actually sex and intimate) Also find out just what things he has learned in school....dispel any myths. 
Explain about safe sex for safety but also for contraception - and that abstinence is the only 100% method. Hopefully he will make good choices..and it's cool to tell him that too.


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## ScarletBegonias

Tango49 said:


> Scarlet....I learnt from my friends (internet didnt exist then!!!!). We discussed things that (in those days - mid 80's) most boys talked about.
> In those days it would have been quite 'normal' for someone to say..'hey, you should try wanking with vaseline...Its FANTASTIC!'
> 
> So yes, some things are best learnt from friends...


That was the 80's.Kids are different now in a scary way.But if you want to trust your son's friends that's your choice. Good luck


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## Unique Username

Masturbation is normal and healthy.

You should feel good that he felt comfortable enough to mention that it's dry. Of course, give him the lubricant and tell him this should help. 

POINT HERE is that you NOT share your personal peccadillos or information about what you like for sexual gratification with your child. THAT is what is crossing the line. 
It is inappropriate to "teach" or "show" your children how to masturbate, give a bj, have sex whatever.

Again = no one wants to know, think about, or see their parent's sexual gratification. Period.


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## turnera

Tango49 said:


> On of my thoughts was to just hand him a bottle of moisturiser and just say something like 'here try this'....and hope he gets the hint!
> 
> Its tough...you want to do the best for them and for them to learn from your experiences, but sometimes its best just to let them discover the 'world' for themselves....but be in the background to guide them..very discreetly.
> Getting the balance right isn't easy!


I know YOU came from a strict background where you weren't allowed to talk about such things and would never consider going to your father about such a thing. But is that really the only relationship you want to have with your own son? Brave yourself, and just talk to him honestly. Tell him you're not used to such talks, but you want him to know he can come to you about anything and you won't judge, you'll just listen and offer advice if he needs it. And then just give him what you know about it. I promise you, kids WANT their parents to be open about these things. They WANT to be able to depend on them. But it has to start with you.


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## Tango49

Discussions with your children about sex in general is very important, however you have to tune it to your particular child.

My son is clearly in the throes of discovering the 'joys' of self gratification. He is still very reticent with talking about girls etc. 
So my sex talks with him so far have been along the lines of 'its so easy to get a girl pregnant' and 'there are lots of horrible things you can catch out there, which is why condoms are so important'.

Clearly when he his older I will have to talk about and answer questions about more 'challenging' things....oral sex, anal sex etc. 

Those of us who are now in our 40's had fun during our late teens and early 20's...sex outside, sex in a car...burst condoms etc. Its all about growing up.
My parents never talked to me about anything sex related...I had to learn the hard way - fortunately no unwanted pregnancies, 'infections' etc.
I want my son to enjoy life....but respectfully, responsibly and safely.
Clearly what I did in my younger days and what my wife and I now do has absolutely nothing to do with anyone other than my wife and I.

Getting the balance right is the challenge.


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## Unique Username

older?

Dude they've already discussed all of those things in 5th grade.

You say he's 15 and you're waiting until he's OLDER to discuss things. If he has the opportunity to be alone, unsupervised, with other teens....then your discussions are long overdue.


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## Unique Username

if you are in your 40s

then the world was a different place

first we didn't even find out about AIDS until 1985 - and then people thought it was only affecting homosexual males, intravenous drug users and peoples in third-world countries.

Middle-school kids today are having oral sex and under the misinterpretation that it isn't sex and that they can't catch anything. 

Same discussions need to be had about sexting and picture taking and how it can adversely affect your future etc.

good luck


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## Tango49

Username - I hear what you are saying.... my son is currently more interested in playing flite sim and becoming a pilot than trying beer, drugs, girls etc.

What I am trying to say is that one size in this case does not fit all.

When I feel my son is good and ready, or indeed starts asking me more 'complex' questions then I will tell him.

He currently has zero interest in alcohol so I do not feel the need to explain more than he hears at school (boarding in the UK). 
One of his year 'mates' was expelled (aged 13) for getting drunk.
At that time my response was 'see what happens when you mess around?...Alcohol can be good but it can also kick your butt, or worse'..


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## Anon Pink

Talk to him about how to masturbate, about not always rushing to the finish line even in masturbation. Talk to him about using various lubricants and what to do with the semen, napkin then trash. Assure him it is not only normal but healthy and that every boy does it and almost every girl does it.


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## 6301

Just don't do like the old timers used to tell their son's (me) that if you fool around with yourself, your "Johnson" will turn black and fall off. Or the other ditty. The old hairy palm.


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## RandomDude

This topic reminds me of this:
American Pie Masturbating Monologue - YouTube

Anyways by the time I reached puberty I was already independent so I've never had "the talk", and would imagine it to be very awkward!!!
I just came out of the shower one day, stroked, and went "oh hey, this feels good", then kept stroking then... OMFG WTF HAPPENED?! O.O

So come on, it happens naturally
Just put lotion on his desk and pretend you never heard him say anything


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## mace17

I can relate to how awkward these kind of conversations can be. My son comes to me with these kind of questions instead of his dad, and I simply answer the best I can and honestly. There are quite a few things about developing boys that I don't know, but I will find answers for him if he asks. I believe in being honest and open about these kind of topics, because if you have subjects that are off limits you child will not feel they can be open with you about everything.


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