# My trust in him has decreased...



## Danari (Jun 29, 2009)

My husband has been going out almost every weekend for the past few weeks, something he didn't do before because there was no time for it. A couple of weeks ago an incident occurred where I began to question him and whether or not he has been telling me the truth about his night out. He says he has and i continue on with believing him. He has gone out with some guys and girls, which doesn't bother me. However, there's just one girl that I don't like. I've never met her nor seen her. I don't know much about her only what he has told me. I just don't get a good feeling about her at all. Bottom line, last weekend promised to not go out because it was bothering me the every weekend thing, so he said he didn't. I didn't believe at all he stood in his room that night but i gave him the benefit of the doubt and was disappointed. Just recently he confessed to having gone and and turning off his phone to just have a night with "no concerns". Well, that didn't happen. The next day was just a huge fight. After he confessed, due to me finding a text message that confirm my curiousity, I haven't been angry just disappointed and i believe that is the worse than anger. I have never had problems with him in the past. There has never been any trust issues within the almost 10 years we've been together and 5 1/2 married. Except for now...I just don't know how to completely trust him 100%. I know he's in love with me i truly believe it, however, I don't want to be in a relationship where i doubt things he says. It hurts really bad when you find out that someone you trust with your life and have given everything to (mind, body, and soul) can stare you in the face and just lie... it's so hurtful...i truly wish that i can go back to trusting him 100% and believing that he won't deceive me the way he did. As for the "girl" that just gives me a bad feeling, I'm just not comfortable at all with her. He says she's just a friend or rather an aquantance. Someone he works with him. I just wish I can feel JUST that but I feel in my heart like maybe something happened in the past when she first showed up in the picture. Whenever we speak about her or I mention her he has this face of nerves. A face that I know for sure means he's uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable. None of the others females he has gone out with or works with bothers me and I don't know them either, I just know about them. I just want to trust him again.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Well....he sure isn't making it easy for you to trust him. I am sorry if I offend anyone...but I am not comfortable with a man or woman who is married hanging out with others of the opposite sex...without their spouse around. Even if it's all harmless....it leaves room for things to be said. And if alcohol is involved ....it's a disinhibitor.....It isn't fair to the person who you promised to love and cherish and protect for you to leave any room for speculation. And he shouldn't need that much time out without you. Sounds like he is enjoying his "freedom". And he isn't free. Best of luck....can't help much but I can offer my support.


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## Danari (Jun 29, 2009)

Well the thing is he's in the military and he's currently finishing up a school he was ordered to take. I had enough trust in him to go out because that part doesn't bother me. When he was deployed I enjoyed myself by going out with friends and co-workers. At times there will be guys there but as I respected myself they also respected I was married. However, everytime I did plan on going out I would always send him an email or give him a call. I want to be able to know that it is possible to hang out with friends. But you are absolutely right, there's always room for speculation and unfortunately, that is was occurred and I guess now I'm hurting inside because of it. He doesn't disrespect in terms of speaking to me wrong. There's no abuse in anyway and he's always been sweet. He's everything I've ever wanted and we've molded ourselves and eachother to be better for one another. I just wish certain things didn't happen but of course it's too late now. We're weak when it comes to staying away from eachother as an option to fix things. I just want to be able to trust him like before. He's coming home soon and I know then everything will be fine, but it shouldn't just be fine when he's with me it should be fine wherever we are no matter if it's apart or together. Can anyone understand or give any advice on what I should do? I am honestly trying to forgive but of course I can't forget. . .


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ask him not to go out with this woman socially. If he can't avoid that, then ask him if you can join him.


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## Danari (Jun 29, 2009)

I have told him it bothers me. He tells me she means nothing to him they just work together. I truely want to believe that but i just get an uncomfortable feeling when i think about it. It would be weird for him to tell her he doesn't want her to go out because all his friends are friends with her and sometimes they go out. From what I know, it has only been once that he has gone out with his friends and her. However, I think he may have lied about having breakfast with her and his friends. He says she wasn't there but I think she was because I saw a text message on his phone from his friend that asked him if he was going to have brunch with this guy and her. I truely find it hard to believe that my husband would do anything with other women. It's just not like him. But then again, neither was the drinking and getting mad so quickly when he was questioned. Another thing is that I can't join him because he's in a different state finishing up a school. I really want to trust him SO badly and I hate that this is going on. Yesterday I told him how I felt about everything and I mean EVERYTHING. Then today he tells me he was going out drinking and I told him it bothered me if he went out this week at all to drink. It wouldn't bother me if he did it in his room with his friends like he's done before, but I just don't want him to go out. I told him that I thought perhaps he would've known that it would've bothered me so soon considering what happened last weekend and him confessing it this weekend. So I'm hoping he respects my wishes and doesn't sneak out anywhere today or tomorrow. I hate feeling like I'm putting restrictions on him because we've never been like this with eachother. There has always been 110% trust ALWAYS. Now because of his actions my trust in him is no longer like before.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

If there is nothing to fear, he should welcome you out with them.

Further, SO WHAT IF EVERYONE GOES OUT TOGETHER? This is his marriage.

I went out with a fellow after work and my husband appeared cool with it. When we talked about it more, he was clearly unhappy with it. I told him I would never go out with this guy alone. After going out with this guy in a group after that, it is clear that he's just plain not comfortable with me going out with this guy ever. So, I'll decline the next time he's involved. Why? My relationship with my husband will probably continue longer than my employment. Since companies are no longer dedicated to their staff, this idea that "we need to socialize so the work-thing flows" is nonsense. Work is work. Marriage is for life.


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## Danari (Jun 29, 2009)

I completely agree with you. But again, I'm not leaving in the same state as the school he is attending so it would've made it hard for me to join him. I think if I were it wouldn't have been a problem. He's a really nice guy and he's not rude to anyone unless need be. However, I just feel like the situation sucks. He knows it bothers me. He is COMPLETELY aware of that but i just hate, once again, the fact that my trust in him isn't the same. That when he tells me he's going to bed since he has to wake up early the next day (which is true) a really small part of me says "yea right". And that REALLY sucks. It's extremely disappointing.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

How are you finding these texts if you aren't in the same state?

How far of a trip is it to be together on the weekends? Could you show up for one of these get-togethers even though it isn't convenient?

I think it is important for this other woman to see you. And I think it is important for your husband to see the two of you talking.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Go out with him maybe?

Have fun where he has fun?


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## Danari (Jun 29, 2009)

It's been a while since I've signed on...I appreciate all your replies. I was pregnant at the time all those things were happening. Fortunately, I did spend a weekend with him and of course we didn't go out for the night due to my pregnancy but we did have a nice weekend. I had found her number on his phone again and asked him but he gave me a "what's the big deal?" response. This happened at the end of June. The next day he had to go to work and I drove him and I saw her, twice actually that day. I honestly didn't want to be introduced to her because I just didn't feel right meeting her. She was part of the reason my husband and I argued a lot and I just felt like maybe that was the time to let it go. I'm sure she saw me and realized who I was. That's pretty much what I needed to happen. If anything wouldve continued after that then I knew there was something there. Because for gods sake I was pregnant and am married to him. He has recently graduated and back home. Of course he's not going out on the weekends anymore, seemed like it was a rebellious stage for him. I still don't trust him 100%. And it continues to bother me whenever I think about how bad our arguements were. I especially get this sick to my stomach feeling and feel so uncomfortable when I think about how they were together out even if they weren't alone and with others. Could it be a womans intuition that I think something happened or just an incident that affected my trust in him that I just be one bothered by just thinking about it?? Weird thing is, deep down inside I feel like something happened. A strong small part of me thinks so and the other part of me just doesn't want to think about it. I just hope that it's nothing and it's just my insecurities. However, I do believe that if something did happen it would definitely be revealed maybe not now but eventually. Nothing stays buried forever...that's just my opinion. I wish I can look at him the way I did before he went to the school. I was SO much happier and confident in our marriage and my trust in him was completely sincere as I felt he was...I don't want to be deceived or played like a fool...I'm really happy this site exist. It's helped a lot of people cope with their problems with the help and advice of many others. Although we may not know eachother I appreciate the effort and time everyone puts in to help eachother.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Usually your gut doesn't lie. However, because he was away...you may not find out the truth. 

When you are pregnant you are very vunerable. It's unfortunate that he couldn't take that in consideration during this time or any time for all that matter. 

How is the marriage otherwise?


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Use some paragraphs, makes it much easier to read


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## Questioning (Aug 5, 2009)

I just joined this site with a similar situation, at least emotionally. I first caught my husband lying to my face about another woman after we had been married about seven years. I was crushed emotionally. I thought then and still do that if you love someone you don't lie to them. The truth can really suck, but I'd rather face 100 hard truths then be lost in a web of lies.
Sorry, I don't mean to get poetic. It's been five years and I am still working hard on our marriage. He's a GOOD man, and I love him. But he lies and the trust is about gone. 
I won't hijack your thread with my own story, but what I did when all of this started was literally make a list of the good and bad things about our marriage. Why I would stay and why I would go. All I can say is that if he is lying to you now he may never change. Some people are just comfortable with it.
My husband says there are things about him he doesn't want to share with me because he knows it will upset me. You have to figure out what you are willing to live with and be honest with yourself. No relationship is perfect, no husband or wife is perfect. Maybe you do not lie to him, but have you given your marriage 100% and tried your best to see things from his point of view?
Marriage is work, that's for sure - and it isn't equal amounts of work either.


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