# Confused about my relationship of 12 years



## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Extremely confused about what the right step would be, figured I would ask some more experienced people here 

I (37f) have been married to my husband (41m) for around 12 years now. We have a pretty good (?) relationship/friendship - we have similar interests, enjoy doing stuff together, enjoy travelling together, and basically enjoy each other's company overall.
The problem is we haven't had ANY kind of a romantic/sexual relationship for the last 3 years (maybe more? I can't remember). I just don't find him attractive in that way anymore.
He is a great guy, I adore him, I really appreciate and enjoy our friendship and was mostly ok with the absence of physical intimacy plus, to be honest, I'm afraid of starting over with someone new, it's just a lot emotionally.
What if the same slump happens with someone else? What if it's a 'me problem'? I tend to get bored of things fairly quickly in general.
What if I can never find someone I have the same kind of relationship connection with? How important is sex in a relationship really?

I don't think he is cheating, we spend a lot of time together and have a common friend circle.
I've spoken to him about this and he says he is willing to give the intimacy problem a kick start, I just don't find myself attracted to him anymore. 
He does not want a divorce and says he is happy with the relationship, I wonder how either partner can be ok with this? 
Maybe we both have a low sex drive?

*Edit/add : why does he seem ok with this whole dry spell? 
I know different things work for different couples but is it ok/normal/sustainable for a couple to get on really well but have no physical intimacy?

(Apologies for the random, rambling formatting, I'm very confused and unsure and this was the best my brain could come up with.)
Thank you!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is no question about it...
Both of you have low sex drives.
Especially, with each other.

It is possible, it happens, this low drive.
Or, maybe the two of you take care of your needs with your own hands.

It also could be one of you is gay.
Or, both have hormone issues.

I agree, if you separate, you will likely be the same (LD) with a new man.
From your own, un-kissed lips you admit of being bored easily.
Or, maybe this is a cop out and a fib.

Question?
What if your husband, or new lover were not low drive, and he initiated daily, would you turn him down?
This is an important question, please answer honestly.



_Lilith-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Are either of you diabetic, or very large, in body?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Peanutbutter said:


> How important is sex in a relationship really?


It’s not that important until it is.

If you’re firing off on all cylinders in the bedroom then at the time maybe it won’t feel important because it’s not occupying time in your brain.

However you’re here asking this question so you have snapped out of it and you know it does have some importance. You know a romantic relationship like husband and wife should have sex, and yours does not. Perhaps even worse, you can’t see your H as a potential sexual partner.

You are really young to be done with sex.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Are either of you diabetic, or very large, in body?


No health or weight issues at all. 
(I'm 5'2" / 158cms and around 104lbs / 47.5kgs he is 6' / 182cms and 155lbs / 70kgs)


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> It’s not that important until it is.
> 
> If you’re firing off on all cylinders in the bedroom then at the time maybe it won’t feel important because it’s not occupying time in your brain.
> 
> ...


True, i've really started to miss physical intimacy in the relationship especially recently tbh but then I also wonder if it's worth throwing away an overall good friendship/relationship over sex?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Can you provide more details about what started this?

Have you ever had an active sex life with him? If so what was going on when that started to change?


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> There is no question about it...
> Both of you have low sex drives.
> Especially, with each other.
> 
> ...



It is possible, it happens, this low drive. - _That's what i've been thinking too. We were only very active sexually during the first few years of the relationship. It tapered off over time and then I just found myself losing interest in him physically._
Or, maybe the two of you take care of your needs with your own hands. - _I know I do, I suppose he does too? Haven't really been curious enough to find out._


It also could be one of you is gay. -_ A very close friend (to both of us) suggested he might be gay, I spoke to him about it quite openly, he said he is sure he isn't. As for me, i'm pretty sure i'm not, I gave it some thought when I was trying to figure out why things are going the way they are. _
Or, both have hormone issues. - _None that were detected on bloodwork reports._


I agree, if you separate, you will likely be the same (LD) with a new man. - _thats what i'm afraid of too tbh. I'll end up losing a close friend / partner in the process. _
From your own, un-kissed lips (boohoo) you admit of being bored easily.
Or, maybe this is a cop out and a fib. 

Question?
What if your husband, or new lover were not low drive, and he initiated daily, would you turn him down? - _I don't know. Its been over 3 years since I was intimate with someone and I honestly don't know how I would feel. Although even when I was younger and active we didn't have sex daily. With him or any other partners before him. Maybe a couple times a week, definitely not daily. _
This is an important question, please answer honestly.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Can you provide more details about what started this?
> 
> Have you ever had an active sex life with him? If so what was going on when that started to change?


I'm not sure exactly but this is what I assume. We got married young and had a few rocky years at the start. I resented a lot of things he did maybe I'm still subconsciously holding on to that?
I was also young and had some silly ideas about what romance/love/trust should be so I was quite heartbroken over some things he did early on, I changed some things about the way I started seeing life after that.
We did have an active sex life for the first 2-3years of our marriage. Then hit some problems which ended up with me being on anti-depressants & anxiety medication which made me physically unable to feel anything sexually till I was on the meds (it was a known side effect). Things picked up a little after I got off the meds but never to the same extent, then he went off sex because, he claims, he was stressed about work, then back on a little, till I just reached a point where I stopped being attracted to him at all.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Peanutbutter 

You have said in multiple posts you've long stopped being attracted to him, and you're not attracted to him physically, over and over.

It is sounding a bit like you want to accept or get approval of that being significant and justified reason to separate.

Is this the case?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why are you confused? You don't find him attractive. You are friends. He probably doesn't care much about sex any more or has a secret lover... have you asked him straight?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It is sounding a bit like you want to accept or get approval of that being significant and justified reason to separate.


If that is the case then my ruling in this matter is that separation is justified. 👨‍⚖️


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Peanutbutter
> 
> You have said in multiple posts you've long stopped being attracted to him, and you're not attracted to him physically, over and over.
> 
> ...


I guess I’m trying to figure out if separating for something like this is worth it? 
I’m afraid that if we do separate I’ll have to start over and what if I don’t find someone I’m as compatible with? It sounds selfish I know but maybe he is also afraid of the same thing because he never agrees to a separation or divorce and I’ve asked several times.
I go through periods of being fine with the way things are then I’ll watch a romantic movie or read a nice book and feel really sad for myself and this whole process starts.
This time I worked up the courage to post here to see if maybe others could give me a different perspective on the issue.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Peanutbutter said:


> I'm not sure exactly but this is what I assume. We got married young and had a few rocky years at the start. I resented a lot of things he did maybe I'm still subconsciously holding on to that?
> I was also young and had some silly ideas about what romance/love/trust should be so I was quite heartbroken over some things he did early on, I changed some things about the way I started seeing life after that.
> We did have an active sex life for the first 2-3years of our marriage. Then hit some problems which ended up with me being on anti-depressants & anxiety medication which made me physically unable to feel anything sexually till I was on the meds (it was a known side effect). Things picked up a little after I got off the meds but never to the same extent, then he went off sex because, he claims, he was stressed about work, then back on a little, till I just reached a point where I stopped being attracted to him at all.


It is very possible the resentment you feel has caused your loss of attraction. It also sounds like he isn't exactly HD, or he is getting relief somewhere else. 

You may or may not be able to get that spark back. If you can't and it is important enough to you, then you may need to divorce. Before you get to that point, do you want to try and rekindle things with your husband? How aware is he that you want physical intimacy?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Peanutbutter said:


> _*I'm not sure exactly but this is what I assume. We got married young and had a few rocky years at the start. I resented a lot of things he did maybe I'm still subconsciously holding on to that? I was also young and had some silly ideas about what romance/love/trust should be so I was quite heartbroken over some things he did early on, I changed some things about the way I started seeing life after that. *_


Jesus, what did this guy DO that it affected you *that* deeply?

What you're saying in this paragraph is that you accepted **** behavior that crossed your boundaries and rather than show yourself the respect you deserve, you chose to swallow the **** sandwich he served up to you and that's been a steady diet for you for years in order to keep the peace.

Bless you. To me, there isn't a man on this planet worth that diet.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Peanutbutter said:


> I guess I’m trying to figure out if separating for something like this is worth it?
> I’m afraid that if we do separate I’ll have to start over and what if I don’t find someone I’m as compatible with? It sounds selfish I know but maybe he is also afraid of the same thing because he never agrees to a separation or divorce and I’ve asked several times.
> I go through periods of being fine with the way things are then I’ll watch a romantic movie or read a nice book and feel really sad for myself and this whole process starts.
> This time I worked up the courage to post here to see if maybe others could give me a different perspective on the issue.


You will have to start all over, but is that really a bad thing? If you really aren't happy now, have tried to address the issue, then separation may be what is needed. 

I have to say, I'm seeing a lot about you and your feelings, what about your husband? Do you have any idea how he feels?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Peanutbutter said:


> I guess I’m trying to figure out if separating for something like this is worth it?
> I’m afraid that if we do separate I’ll have to start over and what if I don’t find someone I’m as compatible with? It sounds selfish I know but maybe he is also afraid of the same thing because he never agrees to a separation or divorce and I’ve asked several times.
> I go through periods of being fine with the way things are then I’ll watch a romantic movie or read a nice book and feel really sad for myself and this whole process starts.
> This time I worked up the courage to post here to see if maybe others could give me a different perspective on the issue.


It is a very important decision. 

If you se yourself never wanting sex with him again then do the right thing and say so, divorce. 

Btw your H knows all this too, you may find he's going to leave you first.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> Why are you confused? You don't find him attractive. You are friends. He probably doesn't care much about sex any more or has a secret lover... have you asked him straight?


I’m confused about whether I should accept my life being sex/romanceless but with an otherwise lovely partner or do something about it. I’m also afraid of taking such a big decision and being wrong or regretting it.

I posted here in the hope that maybe I’m over thinking things and there are other people living similar things who might share their perspective and give me some clarity?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus, what did this guy DO that it affected you *that* deeply?
> 
> What you're saying in this paragraph is that you accepted *** behavior that crossed your boundaries and rather show yourself the respect you deserve, you chose to swallow the *** sandwich he served up to you and that's been a steady diet for you for years in order to keep the peace.
> 
> Bless you. To me, there isn't a man on this planet worth that diet.


What diet?
Is this an Amber Heard type story?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Peanutbutter said:


> I’m confused about whether I should accept my life being sex/romanceless but with an otherwise lovely partner or do something about it. I’m also afraid of taking such a big decision and being wrong or regretting it.
> 
> I posted here in the hope that maybe I’m over thinking things and there are other people living similar things who might share their perspective and give me some clarity?


Here again, you seem to have the mind set that throwing in the towel on the marriage is the only option. What have you and him done so far to address this issue?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Peanutbutter said:


> Then hit some problems which ended up with me being on anti-depressants & anxiety medication which made me physically unable to feel anything sexually till I was on the meds (it was a known side effect). Things picked up a little after I got off the meds but never to the same extent, then he went off sex because, he claims, he was stressed about work, then back on a little, till I just reached a point where I stopped being attracted to him at all.


Those anti anxiety meds are known libido killers.

While on them, you got in the habit of not wanting/having sex.
You got in that rut, (of no rutting), and now are psychologically stuck in a phase.

Many ladies usually go through a period of _high desire_ in their late thirties into their forties (and beyond).
This is likely coming, be prepared!

Or, maybe it is starting its warm surge...now.


_Lilith-_


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You will have to start all over, but is that really a bad thing? If you really aren't happy now, have tried to address the issue, then separation may be what is needed.
> 
> I have to say, I'm seeing a lot about you and your feelings, what about your husband? Do you have any idea how he feels?


I’ve tried to talk to him about this. He tends to avoid conversations that are uncomfortable for him, so the few times I’ve brought this up with him he has just said that he is aware this is a problem then just mumbles vaguely about trying again or maybe couples therapy but doesn’t follow up on the therapy or offer any other solutions. 
I know I can be more proactive about therapy instead of waiting for him but I thought I should figure stuff out first? 
I REALLY wish I could have a more detailed conversation about how he really feels though, maybe I’m not asking the right questions?
If you or anyone could offer tips on how to communicate more effectively with a less communicative man I would be very grateful!!


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It is a very important decision.
> 
> If you se yourself never wanting sex with him again then do the right thing and say so, divorce.
> 
> Btw your H knows all this too, you may find he's going to leave you first.


I’ve spoken about this with him, and he has said more than once, that he doesn’t want a divorce. I’m really not sure about wanting one either so what usually happens is that I reach a point where I feel fed up, try have a talk with him, ineffectively, then get frustrated and drop the issue. He doesn’t like confrontational topics so he is happy to avoid me till I’m back to normal then we carry on like nothing has happened 🤷‍♀️ Until the next time I feel upset. 
I realize it isn’t a healthy way to live hence this post.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Here again, you seem to have the mind set that throwing in the towel on the marriage is the only option. What have you and him done so far to address this issue?


Nothing really, we’ve spoken about getting therapy a couple of times but neither of us has actually tried to get an appointment. 
The most proactive thing I’ve done so far is to discuss a little with close friends and post here in the hopes that I’ll get a little more clarity.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Peanutbutter said:


> I’ve tried to talk to him about this. He tends to avoid conversations that are uncomfortable for him, so the few times I’ve brought this up with him he has just said that he is aware this is a problem then just mumbles vaguely about trying again or maybe couples therapy but doesn’t follow up on the therapy or offer any other solutions.
> I know I can be more proactive about therapy instead of waiting for him but I thought I should figure stuff out first?
> I REALLY wish I could have a more detailed conversation about how he really feels though, maybe I’m not asking the right questions?
> If you or anyone could offer tips on how to communicate more effectively with a less communicative man I would be very grateful!!


Below are a couple links to a site I've found useful for a lot of marriage and sex issues. It is a Christian based site, but the advice can easily apply to everyone. 

First thing I would do/discuss is masturbation. If you want any hope of sex and physical intimacy with your spouse you have to stop getting sexual relief elsewhere. Alternatively, you could even suggest masturbating together as a first step back to a physical relationship. 









Why it's important to talk about sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Many couples don't about sex, and we know why. It's embarrassing, awkward and uncomfortable. But it's still important. Here's why.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












How to have a conversation - Uncovering Intimacy


Do you know how to have a conversation? Are you sure? A lot of people think they know, but they're really just skilled at talking, not conversation.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












The 5 Levels of Communication - Uncovering Intimacy


In yesterday’s post, I mentioned the 5 levels of communication, and suddenly realized I had not yet written a post about them. So, that’s what I’m going to do today. The 5 levels of communication are not something I can take credit for. In fact,




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












How do I open up to my spouse sexually? - Uncovering Intimacy


A reader asks "How can I open up to my spouse sexually?" Here are some tips from our course on how to become more sexually engaged for Christian wives.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Should spouses avoid speaking about divorce? - Uncovering Intimacy


There's a growing movement within Christianity to couples people not to talk about divorce. We hear it from some pretty prominent speakers and writers. But is it the best course of action? I think we are robbing our marriages by putting a ban on the "D" word.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Those anti anxiety meds are known libido killers.
> 
> While on them, you got in the habit of not wanting/having sex.
> You got in that rut, (of no rutting), and now are psychologically stuck in a phase.
> ...


Oh! I didn’t know about the period of high desire 🤔 maybe this is what it is? I am exactly in the age group you’ve mentioned!


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Below are a couple links to a site I've found useful for a lot of marriage and sex issues. It is a Christian based site, but the advice can easily apply to everyone.
> 
> First thing I would do/discuss is masturbation. If you want any hope of sex and physical intimacy with your spouse you have to stop getting sexual relief elsewhere. Alternatively, you could even suggest masturbating together as a first step back to a physical relationship.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I’ll check them out


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe he will brake up with you and solve the problem for you. 

One of your issues with this is you just assume YOU are safe, and YOU are in total control. You discount even the possibility that he will want more some day and want to find a women who IS attracted to him. You completely take that and your situation for granted, so there is no effort on your part to solve it. There is no urgency. I think a lot of people then we think live in marriages like this but it's always a risk. 

Both of you are one person with tremendous chemistry away from lots of pain. I am not saying you have to leave, I am saying that you shouldn't assume you are not in a precarious position. Generally speaking I believe unless you are old sexless marriages are unsustainable.

If I knew my wife was not attracted to me anymore I would start the process of braking up. I wonder if your husband really understands this and why he is content with it, I also wonder how long that will last.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Peanutbutter said:


> I’m confused about whether I should accept my life being sex/romanceless but with an otherwise lovely partner or do something about it. I’m also afraid of taking such a big decision and being wrong or regretting it.
> 
> I posted here in the hope that maybe I’m over thinking things and there are other people living similar things who might share their perspective and give me some clarity?


I get it, but, as @BigDaddyNY says above, I think you need to get to the bottom of the matter before you can make any important decision.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Peanutbutter said:


> I’ve spoken about this with him, and he has said more than once, that he doesn’t want a divorce. I’m really not sure about wanting one either so what usually happens is that I reach a point where I feel fed up, try have a talk with him, ineffectively, then get frustrated and drop the issue. He doesn’t like confrontational topics so he is happy to avoid me till I’m back to normal then we carry on like nothing has happened 🤷‍♀️ Until the next time I feel upset.
> I realize it isn’t a healthy way to live hence this post.


If no sex for three years and he is regularly out in the working world etc, and has a pulse, odds are great he's getting his sexual needs met. How is a question.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

SSRI antidepressants will kill a sex drive. My wife started them years ago and her drive quickly disappeared. She could go without sex for weeks and I am sure months with no issues. She also said she really didn't feel anything during sex. She talked to her doctor about it and he prescribed some kind of gel to help bring back the feeling which was not really effective or practical. He then added the antidepressant Wellbutrin to her SSRI. Wellbutrin is a different kind of antidepressant that very often counteracts the negative effects of SSRIs. Her sex drive quickly returned and was stronger than ever. We easily have sex 5-6:times a week.

Try talking to your doctor and ask about Wellbutrin. It's very often added to SSRIs to counteract low drive.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Maybe he will brake up with you and solve the problem for you.
> 
> One of your issues with this is you just assume YOU are safe, and YOU are in total control. You discount even the possibility that he will want more some day and want to find a women who IS attracted to him. You completely take that and your situation for granted, so there is no effort on your part to solve it. There is no urgency. I think a lot of people then we think live in marriages like this but it's always a risk.
> 
> ...


No I don’t assume either of those things. I've spoken to him about him finding a more compatible partner before. 
I wonder about the same this - why doesn't this bother him more? Why am I the only one who SEEMS concerned?
Maybe something about the way i've worded my post made you think I don't care? I am not looking at this as a 'just me' problem. 
I'm not just going to up and leave one day. We've been together for 12 years, if we decided to divorce it will be a joint decision. 
I'm just trying to figure out what I can do, since it seems to me like he isn't very bothered by this, at least not as much as I am.




sokillme said:


> Maybe he will brake up with you and solve the problem for you.
> 
> One of your issues with this is you just assume YOU are safe, and YOU are in total control. You discount even the possibility that he will want more some day and want to find a women who IS attracted to him. You completely take that and your situation for granted, so there is no effort on your part to solve it. There is no urgency. I think a lot of people then we think live in marriages like this but it's always a risk.
> 
> ...


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> SSRI antidepressants will kill a sex drive. My wife started them years ago and her drive quickly disappeared. She could go without sex for weeks and I am sure months with no issues. She also said she really didn't feel anything during sex. She talked to her doctor about it and he prescribed some kind of gel to help bring back the feeling which was not really effective or practical. He then added the antidepressant Wellbutrin to her SSRI. Wellbutrin is a different kind of antidepressant that very often counteracts the negative effects of SSRIs. Her sex drive quickly returned and was stronger than ever. We easily have sex 5-6:times a week.
> 
> Try talking to your doctor and ask about Wellbutrin. It's very often added to SSRIs to counteract low drive.


I haven't been on anti-depressants for years now so that isn't the problem anymore. Thank you for the suggestion though. 
I'm really not sure why the physical intimacy disappeared or why he doesn't seem as bothered. Maybe he is bothered but doesn't want to approach the subject out of fear?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> SSRI antidepressants will kill a sex drive. My wife started them years ago and her drive quickly disappeared. She could go without sex for weeks and I am sure months with no issues. She also said she really didn't feel anything during sex...


Yep, that was what killed my marriage eventually... my wife always refused to change them, saying the ones she was on worked well... stuff our sex life!


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus, what did this guy DO that it affected you *that* deeply?
> 
> What you're saying in this paragraph is that you accepted *** behavior that crossed your boundaries and rather than show yourself the respect you deserve, you chose to swallow the *** sandwich he served up to you and that's been a steady diet for you for years in order to keep the peace.
> 
> Bless you. To me, there isn't a man on this planet worth that diet.


Ah haha it's a long story. I pretty much just moved countries to be with him 12 years ago. I was young and naive, had never lived away from home or family. Yes, I actually do resent and regret some of the **** I tolerated back then. But it's my fault I guess for not being strong enough and leaving when I should have.
He became a better partner a few years later and since I had accepted and stayed - for whatever reasons - I feel like I can't blame him now? As a partner, he is very supportive and loving now.
Breaking the relationship will be hard for both of us. Maybe more for me because I'll have to start all over again in a country I haven't lived in for the last 13 years, with none of the friendships I've made in my 13years here and it's quite scary to think of tbh.

_Bless you. To me, there isn't a man on this planet worth that diet. - _I say the same thing but haven't quite figured out if I'm strong enough to face the consequences of whatever decision I take - whether I'm right or wrong. I also don't feel like it's fair to have the burden of deciding on my head alone since it's the 2 of us in the relationship.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Looks to me like you both feel the same about each other. He's not sexually attracted to you either because if he was he'd be pressuring you for sex. You 2 may go for the rest of your lives just existing with each other but IMO even if neither of you is trying to, one of you will meet someone that you are attracted to and then it will likely be the end.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Peanutbutter said:


> No I don’t assume either of those things. I've spoken to him about him finding a more compatible partner before.
> I wonder about the same this - why doesn't this bother him more? Why am I the only one who SEEMS concerned?
> Maybe something about the way i've worded my post made you think I don't care? I am not looking at this as a 'just me' problem.
> I'm not just going to up and leave one day. We've been together for 12 years, if we decided to divorce it will be a joint decision.
> I'm just trying to figure out what I can do, since it seems to me like he isn't very bothered by this, at least not as much as I am.


Don't discount the fact that YOU may meet someone who you ARE attracted to, and is attracted to you. That will be very hard.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If no sex for three years and he is regularly out in the working world etc, and has a pulse, odds are great he's getting his sexual needs met. How is a question.


Right? That is what I'm very curious about and would really like an answer to. He won't give me one, just said it bothers him but not that much. He says that we spend a lot of our free time together, go on holidays together and basically have a whole life together which is just as intimate. Maybe he was never a high sex drive person and was just pretending a little initially then relaxed more as the relationship grew older? Is that possible?


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

2&out said:


> Looks to me like you both feel the same about each other. He's not sexually attracted to you either because if he was he'd be pressuring you for sex. You 2 may go for the rest of your lives just existing with each other but IMO even if neither of you is trying to, one of you will meet someone that you are attracted to and then it will likely be the end.


_Looks to me like you both feel the same about each other. He's not sexually attracted to you either because if he was he'd be pressuring you for sex. - _Yes! I agree with this and I've told him as much! He said it isn't true and that he has tried initiating but I've never responded. Which brought me to my other question - how is he ok with not having sex for over 3 years? To which he asked me the same and I told him i've not been ok with it which is why I've had episodes of unhappiness or dissatisfaction with the relationship, which ends up in a forced discussion from my end, gets me frustrated at his lack of response, then he feels like i'm blaming him and it ends in a fight. Which brings me to the conclusion that I'm most likely the problem!
HOW do I ask him, in a non-confrontational way, to explain what he is feeling?


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> Yep, that was what killed my marriage eventually... my wife always refused to change them, saying the ones she was on worked well... stuff our sex life!


Did you regret your decision to end the marriage? Was a lack of sex the only major issue with your relationship?


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Don't discount the fact that YOU may meet someone who you ARE attracted to, and is attracted to you. That will be very hard.


I think that is highly unlikely if we remain married. Thinking about all this is emotionally exhausting  thinking about starting over with someone else sounds even more exhausting. 
Every non attached/single person I come across talks about how hard it is to find someone who matches their wavelength (for lack of a better word). Seems like after some point people don't seem to care about sex as much? Does companionship take priority? If he seems ok with living like this then it becomes a 'me' problem and if I rock the boat then everything negative will be my fault.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You say you're mostly okay with it and it sounds like he's mostly okay with it. I mean would he be averse to having sex or would you at this point? Maybe not all the time since both of you don't seem to care about it that much, but do you think you would both enjoy it every now and then?

I mean if you're both happy, really that is all that matters. But if you are getting restless for a new relationship where you would feel sexual, I get that, but you have said that all kind of scares you. I mean it's always possible that you're one of those people who is happier single, but if you do have a fear of making yourself vulnerable to new people, it doesn't really sound like it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Peanutbutter ,

It sounds to me as if you two have a pretty good relationship--that is to say you do things together, you like each other, and you are compatible regarding how to live, values, money, etc. Thus it sound as if you are pretty satisfied in all the areas of your married life except the lack of sex--and even there I'd suspect that it's not so much the act of intercourse as the lack of desiring him and being desired BY him. 

I'm going to take a slightly different tactic. I am 60yo and I don't honestly think that sex is "everything" in a marriage. I think of it as "one of many" aspects of being in a lifelong partnership with someone...because in reality, a marriage is a partnership. Two people agree to make a home, a family and a life together. Yet sex, I think, is like a thermometer of how close the people are in their hearts. How do they think of each other? How do they regard their partner? If it's just robotic intercourse for the sake of "getting off" that's not intimacy. 

So you two have a lot going for you in that you actually like each other. You get along--you agree on bigger values. You just don't feel a "zing" for him nor does it sound like he feels that for you. Of course, you've been married a while and you know that the "butterflies and rainbows" period just doesn't last forever...that's not Love. Love is acting in a loving way toward another person--it's an action, not a "feeling." Well, your husband acts lovingly toward you and you toward him...so you have a LOT going for you! 

It sounds like you two have difficulty talking about sex--partly because it's a little embarrassing to have gone 3 years and partly because of that feeling of accusation/defensiveness. But that leads me to wonder if you two are mentally and emotionally close and intimate in that way. Are you close? Can you share your innermost thoughts and feelings with one another? If you two have drifted apart sexually, maybe you've also drifted apart emotionally and mentally. That might be a place to start reigniting intimacy--in the heart. 

I'd say if you both want to reignite feeling close and attracted to one another, that one way to start would be to break the routine. Right now, you two are in a rut of your current routine: the way you wake up, the way you "go to work", the way you spend your day, the way you do dinner, the way you spend the evening, and the way you go to bed. Change that--all of it. Wake up different--like with some kisses. Don't kiss hoping for sex, but rather kiss because you want to say Good Morning! Go to work with a love note. Spend your day with a text or two. Make dinner together, eat it together, talk to each other while you eat. Spend the evening doing something together or cuddling on the couch watching TV. Go to bed early and do pillow talk...just sharing thoughts and feelings. Wake up earlier or later. Call for lunch. Make a new recipe instead of your "usuals"--try something NEW! Volunteer to hold hands through the whole night. In other words, change things up. If you keep doing things as you do now...nothing will change. If you change things up and break the routine, some things might change! 

My final thought would be to purposefully schedule time for your spouse. I mean, every single day think of it like an appointment that can NOT be avoided and have time just for each other. You don't have to have sex or schedule sex, but maybe something like "For one hour we are going to have our phones and computers off and say loving things to each other, share some touch like holding hands or a non-sexual massage, flirt a little for the fun of it, give each other a little gift we made during the day, and spend 'US' time."


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Peanutbutter said:


> I think that is highly unlikely if we remain married. Thinking about all this is emotionally exhausting  thinking about starting over with someone else sounds even more exhausting.
> Every non attached/single person I come across talks about how hard it is to find someone who matches their wavelength (for lack of a better word). Seems like after some point people don't seem to care about sex as much? Does companionship take priority? If he seems ok with living like this then it becomes a 'me' problem and if I rock the boat then everything negative will be my fault.


Nothing is 'your fault' as long as you are faithful and honest. Wanting more in your relationship is not a 'you' problem, especially if you feel like you are missing out on a sex life. I mean, that is a legitimate concern. 

I too wonder why he has not expressed more concern in this area of your marriage.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You say you're mostly okay with it and it sounds like he's mostly okay with it. I mean would he be averse to having sex or would you at this point? Maybe not all the time since both of you don't seem to care about it that much, but do you think you would both enjoy it every now and then?
> 
> I mean if you're both happy, really that is all that matters. But if you are getting restless for a new relationship where you would feel sexual, I get that, but you have said that all kind of scares you. I mean it's always possible that you're one of those people who is happier single, but if you do have a fear of making yourself vulnerable to new people, it doesn't really sound like it.


I’m averse to having sex with him at this point but I can’t pinpoint the reason. Maybe it’s been a while, maybe things aren’t exciting, maybe life is a little stressful at the moment? 
I miss a physical and romantic connection if I watch or read something love story-ish, maybe it’s a little childish of me? The logical part of my brain knows relationships don’t remain like that but some part of my brain wonders if there are relationships that have this kind of connection even after a few years?


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> @Peanutbutter ,
> 
> It sounds to me as if you two have a pretty good relationship--that is to say you do things together, you like each other, and you are compatible regarding how to live, values, money, etc. Thus it sound as if you are pretty satisfied in all the areas of your married life except the lack of sex--and even there I'd suspect that it's not so much the act of intercourse as the lack of desiring him and being desired BY him.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your lovely suggestions and for sharing your experiences. I think I’m going to slowly give them a try and see how it feels ♥


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

uwe.blab said:


> Nothing is 'your fault' as long as you are faithful and honest. Wanting more in your relationship is not a 'you' problem, especially if you feel like you are missing out on a sex life. I mean, that is a legitimate concern.
> 
> I too wonder why he has not expressed more concern in this area of your marriage.


I think pushing myself to make this post, reading and replying to the comments is making me a little braver towards facing the situation. Maybe another, calmer, conversation asking more specific questions is in order 😅


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Peanutbutter said:


> I’m averse to having sex with him at this point but I can’t pinpoint the reason. Maybe it’s been a while, maybe things aren’t exciting, maybe life is a little stressful at the moment?
> I miss a physical and romantic connection if I watch or read something love story-ish, maybe it’s a little childish of me? The logical part of my brain knows relationships don’t remain like that but some part of my brain wonders if there are relationships that have this kind of connection even after a few years?


There certainly are a relationships of people who just form a different type of bond and stay together. I mean it mostly happens when you're older seems like. Just be sure you keep the communication open in case he is starting to harbor any resentment over the situation. Most men are not happy in that situation as I'm sure you'll get an earful on here.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There certainly are a relationships of people who just form a different type of bond and stay together. I mean it mostly happens when you're older seems like. Just be sure you keep the communication open in case he is starting to harbor any resentment over the situation. Most men are not happy in that situation as I'm sure you'll get an earful on here.


I think a part of my problem is how he doesn’t seem bothered about it. We only spoke about this when I finally got fed up and initiated the conversation but it went nowhere. Now I feel like if I want any kind of conclusive answer I need to prepare myself a little better - both about my own feelings on this and have better questions to ask him so the conversation actually goes somewhere.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Peanutbutter said:


> ... if I watch or read something love story-ish... some part of my brain wonders if there are relationships that have this kind of connection even after a few years?


Truth- they don't. That's why it's a sitcom, a movie, a book.... it's not reality. 

Healthy romance can continue in a married couple if they remain committed to that... but not new relationship energy which you allude to.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Truth- they don't. That's why it's a sitcom, a movie, a book.... it's not reality.
> 
> Healthy romance can continue in a married couple if they remain committed to that... but not new relationship energy which you allude to.


Right? Thank you, I needed someone to say it because even though I know, I really do,
I’m not very stupid most of the time  I still had a tiny part of me saying maybe it is possible. Now a new question, what would a man consider a healthy romantic gesture? Of course everyone is different, I get that, but sometimes for some things generalizations work.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Peanutbutter said:


> I’m not very stupid most of the time  I still had a tiny part of me saying maybe it is possible. Now a new question, what would a man consider a healthy romantic gesture? Of course everyone is different, I get that, but sometimes for some things generalizations work.


Look, I'm not a marriage expert. But you asked about a 'healthy romantic gesture.'

My wife and I went through a dry spell... about 2 years long. A 'healthy romantic gesture' started with her leveling with me (I think she did anyway) and hearing me out. From there... it was basic things... showing more respect, carving out some more time with just me and her (we have kids), continuing to talk about our 'dry spell', and culminating in being or seeming genuinely interested in me sexually and responding to my advances. 

As you can see... not exactly a 'storybook'. There were changes on my part as well and there were romantic gestures on my/ her part that can compare with 'storybook' stuff... but the big takeaways for improvement were NOT storybook in my eye. 

You are evaluating leaving/ staying. 

I tell a lot of people this on TAM. I was there too... should I leave or stay? I gave it 110% to make things better before I checked out. It has seemed to work. I think you should do the same.
The 110% route will leave no question in your mind to what your future holds.

EDIT: The 110% route assumes no infidelity or abuse... etc. The 110% route is for folks who have lost romance and are indifferent to their spouse due to time in the relationship... no real 'deal breakers'.

Also, it takes one partner to stand up and state their peace and start breaking down walls. When I said I think she leveled with me... I had to start that conversation... maybe that's your role currently.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Look, I'm not a marriage expert. But you asked about a 'healthy romantic gesture.'
> 
> My wife and I went through a dry spell... about 2 years long. A 'healthy romantic gesture' started with her leveling with me (I think she did anyway) and hearing me out. From there... it was basic things... showing more respect, carving out some more time with just me and her (we have kids), continuing to talk about our 'dry spell', and culminating in being or seeming genuinely interested in me sexually and responding to my advances.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing! I think if I’m hesitating about breaking the relationship then maybe I need to do the same and give it a strong chance. Any tips on what an effective way would be to have this conversation?
When I’ve tried in the past, he hasn’t answered properly which made me hesitate and chicken out. Or I’ve ended up speaking in a tone that he finds accusing and the conversation ends badly. I’m not usually one for gender differentiation but I think maybe there is a better way to approach this, from a male perspective?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Peanutbutter said:


> I’ve spoken about this with him, and he has said more than once, that he doesn’t want a divorce


What he “wants” is irrelevant. If you wsnt a divorce, have him served.

How about filing for a formal separation for say six months and see how you both feel at the end of that. Honestly if you are no longer sexually attracted to him you could just give him the old “I love you but am not in love with you” speech. If you arent interested in him sexually that isnt likely to come back. Both of you are too young to live celibate in a marriage. 

You can easily remain good friends. You dont need to sleep together for that.

Whatever you do as your libido reappears, DO NOT CHEAT! Be decent and have integrity. There is no shame in divorcing


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Peanutbutter said:


> When I’ve tried in the past, he hasn’t answered properly which made me hesitate and chicken out. Or I’ve ended up speaking in a tone that he finds accusing and the conversation ends badly. I’m not usually one for gender differentiation but I think maybe there is a better way to approach this, from a male perspective?


I get it... you are frustrated.... he is too.

I think I had 3 attempts at 'the conversation' before I got good results. 

What worked for me... was just dropping my resentment and being vulnerable in the moment and saying in a nut-shell.... 'We are roommates. What are we doing? Do you remember sitting on the couch (before kids) and just chatting? Do you remember working in the garden with me in the spring (before kids)? Do you remember when we first moved here? I miss you and I miss connecting with you in our marriage. What have I done? I know I have blindspots I love you and I can't go on being roommates...' That was the nuts and bolts of it. My rationale was that- if the 3rd time didn't work (the first two were really not my best effort) then I had laid all my cards down and she simply wouldn't respond to my attempts to stop our dysfunction... that I would move on. 

I am a man... it could be different for you. But you gotta swallow some pride and you have to drop your resentments temporarily and be vulnerable in the moment. Ask him what you have done to the relationship to cause a downward spiral. After he is done... tell him what he has done from your perspective. Even if he doesn't ask. But don't get heated or too emotional. Just matter-of-fact stuff. 

If you initiate... and he happens to respond in a good-faith manner... know that you have just started to move in the right direction... it's not gonna be a 2-week until 'back to normal' marriage... it's gonna be hard work for 12+ months to potentially get back to a solid base level for both of you... possibly longer.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rus47 said:


> What he “wants” is irrelevant. If you wsnt a divorce, have him served.
> 
> How about filing for a formal separation for say six months and see how you both feel at the end of that. Honestly if you are no longer sexually attracted to him you could just give him the old “I love you but am not in love with you” speech. If you arent interested in him sexually that isnt likely to come back. Both of you are too young to live celibate in a marriage.
> 
> ...


While cheating would be an easy option I don’t want to go down that path. Life in general is complicated enough as it is. 
I agree that living celibate isn’t going to work out, at least not for me. I also think feelings of attraction coming back doesn’t sound possible BUT it seems like people with older relationships have managed, so maybe it is possible.
I’m going to try the advice I’ve gotten about trying to have a more open talk with him then maybe slowly trying to bring a little romance back and seeing how that works out. 
I’ve waited this long another year or so to maybe save a 12 year relationship should be worth it right?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Peanutbutter said:


> I also don't feel like it's fair to have the burden of deciding on my head alone since it's the 2 of us in the relationship.


Actually, no ... it sounds like he's checked out. Avoiding confrontation. Refusing to face, head-on, the difficult discussions. Mumbling and evading topics that need to be discussed. Sweeping everything under the rug and pretending it will go away. Until it appears again. In the meantime, lots of resentment builds up.

Here's my take on it: Neither of you is all-in with this marriage. You're lazy. You're complacent. You're sucking up the status quo even though you KNOW you're not happy with it.

Life holds NO guarantees. You may make a bad decision in leaving him to find someone else. Then again, you may not. Sorry, but SOMEONE needs to grow up here. So you were young when you got together with him. Well, you're not young NOW.

Just my take on it, but it sounds like your husband is content to half-ass it in this marriage.  It sounds like you want more. Hey, maybe - just maybe - you aren't cut out for marriage. Could be both of you value the friendship you have, but the sexual chemistry is lacking.

Either get into some serious counseling and figure it out, leave the marriage, or stay and suck it up with Mr. Complacent.

P.S. - Sexual fireworks wane after so many years. The couples who put in the EFFORT to connect on multiple levels learn to keep the spark alive. IT TAKES WORK.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> I get it... you are frustrated.... he is too.
> 
> I think I had 3 attempts at 'the conversation' before I got good results.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much 🌸 I’ll give it a go this weekend before I lose steam and courage😅🤞


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Peanutbutter said:


> what usually happens is that I reach a point where I feel fed up, try have a talk with him, ineffectively, then get frustrated and drop the issue. He doesn’t like confrontational topics so he is happy to avoid me till I’m back to normal then we carry on like nothing has happened 🤷‍♀️ Until the next time I feel upset.
> I realize it isn’t a healthy way to live hence this post.


Could this dynamic be part of the reason you’re not sexually attracted to him?

If he’s this passive confrontation / conflict avoidant in general, that would be a huge sexual turn off for most women.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Actually, no ... it sounds like he's checked out. Avoiding confrontation. Refusing to face, head-on, the difficult discussions. Mumbling and evading topics that need to be discussed. Sweeping everything under the rug and pretending it will go away. Until it appears again. In the meantime, lots of resentment builds up.
> - he has almost always been like this. Initially I would get incoherently angry over his refusal to have a discussion which would end in him freezing me out till I got fed up and gave up. Over time I learned to approach the conversation in a different way but he still will only engage in a limited way. I think this was one of the reasons I checked out of the relationship a little over time.
> 
> Here's my take on it: Neither of you is all-in with this marriage. You're lazy. You're complacent. You're sucking up the status quo even though you KNOW you're not happy with it.
> ...


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> Could this dynamic be part of the reason you’re not sexually attracted to him?
> 
> If he’s this passive confrontation / conflict avoidant in general, that would be a huge sexual turn off for most women.


It’s possible, because every time he shut me out I felt myself disconnecting from him and turning to friends instead, because I got lonely not being spoken to for days at a time. Especially because I was new to his country and he was kind of my only source of companionship initially, pushed me to get out of my comfort zone (I have social anxiety) and make some great, deep friendships though and be a more independent person, so it wasn’t all bad


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Peanutbutter said:


> I also think feelings of attraction coming back doesn’t sound possible BUT it seems like people with older relationships have managed, so maybe it is possible.
> I’m going to try the advice I’ve gotten about trying to have a more open talk with him then maybe slowly trying to bring a little romance back and seeing how that works out.
> I’ve waited this long another year or so to maybe save a 12 year relationship should be worth it right?


Just a question... but your musings have perked my ears.

How was your 'honeymoon' phase? Were you guys hot and heavy? LIke... did you want him physically? Or when you accepted his offer of marriage... did you have a concern in the back of your head that you were 'settling'? Just a general answer works...


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Just a question... but your musings have perked my ears.
> 
> How was your 'honeymoon' phase? Were you guys hot and heavy? LIke... did you want him physically? Or when you accepted his offer of marriage... did you have a concern in the back of your head that you were 'settling'? Just a general answer works...


Yes initially I found him incredibly attractive and things were quite hot and heavy, until the relationship problems started.
About accepting the marriage proposal, while I was excited to marry him he did push me into a proverbial corner and I’ve regretted marrying him several times during our entire relationship, for a variety of reasons - some childish,
others valid.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Peanutbutter said:


> Yes initially I found him incredibly attractive and things were quite hot and heavy, until the relationship problems started.
> About accepting the marriage proposal, while I was excited to marry him he did push me into a proverbial corner and I’ve regretted marrying him several times during our entire relationship, for a variety of reasons - some childish,
> others valid.


Ok. So yes. Try to break some ice and make some inroads with him.... you need to feel that he is interested in making things better. Once that is accomplished (if possible)... you both need some sort of counseling... either individual (both) or marital. I am not saying that to be mean... I am saying that because the hill you have to climb is quite enormous. Are you willing to do this work?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Peanutbutter said:


> I think that is highly unlikely if we remain married. Thinking about all this is emotionally exhausting  thinking about starting over with someone else sounds even more exhausting.
> Every non attached/single person I come across talks about how hard it is to find someone who matches their wavelength (for lack of a better word). Seems like after some point people don't seem to care about sex as much? Does companionship take priority? If he seems ok with living like this then it becomes a 'me' problem and if I rock the boat then everything negative will be my fault.


Listen this is how a lot of affairs happen. For instance, many people don't go into work relationships thinking they will catch feelings, but close working conditions and chemistry, on top of that, a marriage that is troubled and missing one of it's most important aspects, all conspire to set them up for a trap. Doesn't mean all folks act on that, but I think it's incredibly difficult especially if the marriage isn't fixed. Better to solve the problems before you end up there. 

All of this is why I believe sexless marriage is unsustainable. I mean if you are OK with it that's your choice, but people are OK with a lot of things until their not.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> Listen this is how a lot of affairs happen.
> 
> All of this is why I believe sexless marriage is unsustainable. I mean if you are OK with it that's your choice, but people are OK with a lot of things until their not.


Yup... the OP is ripe for the taking. It would just take a gentle wind of sweet nothings from a certain dude near her... and bam.... horizontal polka. She said she wouldn't BUT...


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Ok. So yes. Try to break some ice and make some inroads with him.... you need to feel that he is interested in making things better. Once that is accomplished (if possible)... you both need some sort of counseling... either individual (both) or marital. I am not saying that to be mean... I am saying that because the hill you have to climb is quite enormous. Are you willing to do this work?


I guess I’ll figure out if it’s worth getting couples therapy based on his response.
I’ve mentioned therapy to him before and he said he was interested but didn’t do anything towards actually finding a therapist etc. I don’t know what to make of that


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Listen this is how a lot of affairs happen. For instance, many people don't go into work relationships thinking they will catch feelings, but close working conditions and chemistry, on top of that, a marriage that is troubled and missing one of it's most important aspects, all conspire to set them up for a trap. Doesn't mean all folks act on that, but I think it's incredibly difficult especially if the marriage isn't fixed. Better to solve the problems before you end up there.
> 
> All of this is why I believe sexless marriage is unsustainable. I mean if you are OK with it that's your choice, but people are OK with a lot of things until their not.


In that case it’ll be easier for him to find an affair partner because while he works in a regular office with a bunch of other people, I have a little business (workshop) of my own and I pretty much just work by myself.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Yup... the OP is ripe for the taking. It would just take a gentle wind of sweet nothings from a certain dude near her... and bam.... horizontal polka. She said she wouldn't BUT...


Wouldn’t it be equally (if not more) easy for him to find someone though? I spend most of my time in my workshop by myself (which I love) and go out with a combination of friends + husband. Whilst he goes to work plus travels for work occasionally - I travel with him sometimes if it’s an interesting place or country but not always. Where would I possibly meet someone that easily?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you have a conflict avoidant guy who isn't all that into sex with you.

Nobody would be excited by that. My ex was also extremely conflict avoidant like that and had ED he wouldn't address, so he became less and less attractive to me.

Finding out about his ex on the side didn't help, but I digress.

A lot of us women are responsive to a guy who really wants us and you don't have that.

I'd think long and hard about whether you want to live like that. I left my ex at 44...I'm now 48 with a great 56 year old bf who wants sex with me and it's fantastic 😀


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Peanutbutter said:


> In that case it’ll be easier for him to find an affair partner because while he works in a regular office with a bunch of other people, I have a little business (workshop) of my own and I pretty much just work by myself.


Not necessarily, unless you don’t get out at all, 

As a woman (assuming you’re at least marginally attractive), all you have to do is signal that you are looking and open to approach (whether consciously/deliberately or not) - and you will have men approaching you.

Your husband on the other hand, will have to work for it. Not that it’s that difficult (assuming he’s also attractive as a man) but it generally takes proactive effort for men while women just need to signal that they’re receptive.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> So you have a conflict avoidant guy who isn't all that into sex with you.
> 
> Nobody would be excited by that. My ex was also extremely conflict avoidant like that and had ED he wouldn't address, so he became less and less attractive to me.
> 
> ...


That’s what I wonder about often, would I be different about my wants if I was with someone else in a different type of relationship? 
I’m really glad things worked out for you 💕
You’re right, I need to think seriously and, more importantly, this time I think I need to take some kind of action.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> Not necessarily, unless you don’t get out at all,
> 
> As a woman (assuming you’re at least marginally attractive), all you have to do is signal that you are looking and open to approach (whether consciously/deliberately or not) - and you will have men approaching you.
> 
> Your husband on the other hand, will have to work for it. Not that it’s that difficult (assuming he’s also attractive as a man) but it generally takes proactive effort for men while women just need to signal that they’re receptive.


Right, but that would mean that I would have to be actively looking and making some kind of effort to go out on my own, meet people and make up lies about being single I guess which I’m not comfortable doing. I’m ok looking I guess 🤷‍♀️  plus my single female friends have some awful stories about the kind of guys they meet on dates. 
Husband has a lot more opportunity I suppose, because he is older and younger women like that? I have no idea really, I’m just making guesses. I guess in either case the opportunity is there if someone wants to take it right?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Peanutbutter said:


> Did you regret your decision to end the marriage? Was a lack of sex the only major issue with your relationship?


it wasn’t my decision and sex was the only issue, as far as I’m concerned. But it’s a long, rather complicated story…


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> it wasn’t my decision and sex was the only issue, as far as I’m concerned. But it’s a long, rather complicated story…


Ah I’m sorry, hope you’re happy / happier now though! 🤗


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Peanutbutter said:


> Ah I’m sorry, hope you’re happy / happier now though! 🤗


I’m not happier. I just survive. I guess I don’t have to
put up with any crap. 

It sounds to me you are just settling with this guy because you are scared of the unknown.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Make an appointment to see a couples therapist. Tell him he has to go with you. At least you'll know you made a sincere effort to get him to communicate.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Peanutbutter said:


> *Right, but that would mean that I would have to be actively looking *and making some kind of effort to go out on my own, meet people and make up lies about being single I guess which I’m not comfortable doing. I’m ok looking I guess 🤷‍♀️  plus my single female friends have some *awful stories about the kind of guys they meet on dates*.
> Husband has a lot more opportunity I suppose, because he is older and younger women like that? I have no idea really, I’m just making guesses. I guess in either case the opportunity is there if someone wants to take it right?


You have no business *looking* for someone else until you divorce. Do things in the correct order. Most of all, if you do divorce your husband, try to figure out how you ended up in your current situation so you don't just repeat the same experience with someone else. Sometimes our bad experiences in life are because of flaws WE have.

And yes, if you don't spend some time vetting them you could easily date some horrible people.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> You have no business *looking* for someone else until you divorce. Do things in the correct order. Most of all, if you do divorce your husband, try to figure out how you ended up in your current situation so you don't just repeat the same experience with someone else. Sometimes our bad experiences in life are because of flaws WE have.
> 
> And yes, if you don't spend some time vetting them you could easily date some horrible people.


Absolutely. If you go looking before you're at least officially separated all you'll attract are the scumbags. Quality men won't get involved in that.

I'm not even a big fan of dating while separated unless the divorce is in progress and you've been detached a long time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Peanutbutter said:


> _Looks to me like you both feel the same about each other. He's not sexually attracted to you either because if he was he'd be pressuring you for sex. - _Yes! I agree with this and I've told him as much! He said it isn't true and that he has tried initiating but I've never responded. Which brought me to my other question - how is he ok with not having sex for over 3 years? To which he asked me the same and I told him i've not been ok with it which is why I've had episodes of unhappiness or dissatisfaction with the relationship, which ends up in a forced discussion from my end, gets me frustrated at his lack of response, then he feels like i'm blaming him and it ends in a fight. Which brings me to the conclusion that I'm most likely the problem!
> HOW do I ask him, in a non-confrontational way, to explain what he is feeling?


He says he's tried to initiate, but you didn't respond. Is this true? Do you know what he's talking about? Do you remember any of these times that he tried to initiate?
Were you ever sexually attracted to him?


Peanutbutter said:


> If he seems ok with living like this then it becomes a 'me' problem and if I rock the boat then everything negative will be my fault.


It doesn't sound like he is okay living like this any more than you are. You also mentioned communication issues. This seems like another communication issue.


Affaircare said:


> I'd say if you both want to reignite feeling close and attracted to one another, that one way to start would be to break the routine. Right now, you two are in a rut of your current routine: the way you wake up, the way you "go to work", the way you spend your day, the way you do dinner, the way you spend the evening, and the way you go to bed. Change that--all of it. Wake up different--like with some kisses. Don't kiss hoping for sex, but rather kiss because you want to say Good Morning! Go to work with a love note. Spend your day with a text or two. Make dinner together, eat it together, talk to each other while you eat. Spend the evening doing something together or cuddling on the couch watching TV. Go to bed early and do pillow talk...just sharing thoughts and feelings. Wake up earlier or later. Call for lunch. Make a new recipe instead of your "usuals"--try something NEW! Volunteer to hold hands through the whole night. In other words, change things up. If you keep doing things as you do now...nothing will change. If you change things up and break the routine, some things might change!


I agree with @Affaircare. You two have a lot going for your marriage already, but you don't seem to do anything romantic.


Peanutbutter said:


> Any tips on what an effective way would be to have this conversation?
> When I’ve tried in the past, he hasn’t answered properly which made me hesitate and chicken out. Or I’ve ended up speaking in a tone that he finds accusing and the conversation ends badly. I’m not usually one for gender differentiation but I think maybe there is a better way to approach this, from a male perspective?


When you speak to him, use "I" language. Example: I would like us to get back into having sex regularly again. Maybe we could start by holding hands and kissing each other good morning and good night. Then we could add hugging. Next we could give each other massages and go from there.

This way there is no complaint or accusation at all. You aren't asking him questions about why you aren't having sex, as if he is the reason that you aren't. 

I think if you two get back into being physical with each other, he will quickly become more attractive to you and visa versa. If you don't feel that he finds you attractive, then that will turn you off. The same for your husband. I think you can resolve this fairly easily by becoming more physical and romantic towards each other. Ask him what he wants from you to feel more interested in sex and tell him what you would like from him, then do those things.

You could also just ask him if he wants to make out, then start with make out sessions, not necessarily leading to sex, but it's okay if it does. I'm talking about sessions of hugging, kissing, etc.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

I respectfully disagree with Cynthia.

Folks Peanut Butter's last train to Nextville is leaving at midnight and it's 11 30pm. She is literally one foot out the door. Just the mental process of the cost/ benefit of the current marriage tells us all that things are not good and are at DefCon3. We all know this. She knows this. Perhaps her spouse feels this and his train is pulling out soon or already left... it's just not formal. 

So, I _think_ for her own peace of mind... she should approach this without a romance... but just the honest to God- 'Damn, I miss you, my husband, and what we were. Do you miss me?'

It's a damn shame that marriages end with 'oh well. ****... she/ he changed. Where's my lawyer.' They were or she said 'mostly happy' at the onset. No infidelity that she suspects. No abuse that she has declared. 

In my own marriage... I changed and my wife changed... we've changed A LOT. BUT some of those changes were NOT good. I laid my cards down and she saw my sincerity. If she saw I was serious and said- nah, no thanks. I would have been gone as of today. But I am glad I swallowed some self-pride... temporarily (It's all back to normal of course being a full-fledged, reb blooded misogynist... haha! That's tounge in cheek... but if you accused me as one... I would lap it up.)


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Cynthia said:


> He says he's tried to initiate, but you didn't respond. Is this true? Do you know what he's talking about? Do you remember any of these times that he tried to initiate?
> Were you ever sexually attracted to him?
> - It’s possible I didn’t respond but I’m sure there must have been a reason.
> 
> ...


- thank you for the advice.
Starting slow sounds good, less stressful.
I think I’ll write down some of the questions and advice you lovely people have given me here so we don’t deviate from the main issue while talking and try and have an open conversation with him today (or tomorrow).
Let’s see how it goes this time, now that I’ve had a little bit of mental preparation and a little more clarity maybe it’ll be more conclusive 🤷‍♀️🤞


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rus47 said:


> You have no business *looking* for someone else until you divorce. Do things in the correct order. Most of all, if you do divorce your husband, try to figure out how you ended up in your current situation so you don't just repeat the same experience with someone else. Sometimes our bad experiences in life are because of flaws WE have.
> 
> And yes, if you don't spend some time vetting them you could easily date some horrible people.


Not looking or planning on looking 
I’m absolutely aware of most my own flaws, and wouldn’t mind being spoken to about them. I WISH he would initiate a discussion about things that bother him but he never has. 
breaking of the relationship, if it happens, will be a loss for both of us.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Folks, I would like to also politely point out that @Peanutbutter is not from the USA or Canada or the UK. I believe the laws in our western countries are fairly liberal when it comes to divorce, either party can file, and it's kind of "no fault". Not all countries are like that, and in fact some countries really discourage divorce and make it pretty difficult.

Bearing that in mind, and considering that they aren't technically "unhappy"--they just aren't romantic--I thought maybe one place to start might be to think of options to improve that romantic part. 

@Peanutbutter, I had a crazy idea...literally after reading @Cynthia 's post. When was the last time you were romantic with him? I mean, have you written him a love letter lately? Sang him a song? Sent him flowers? LOL It's not utterly "manly" but sometimes a guy wants a little romantic attention too. 🤷‍♀️


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Make an appointment to see a couples therapist. Tell him he has to go with you. At least you'll know you made a sincere effort to get him to communicate.


If the conversation goes positively do we still need a therapist?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You've had ongoing issues. I doubt going once or twice would help. From what you've said, your husband has been avoiding discussions with you for years. It may take time for him to develop the ability to communicate clearly.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Folks, I would like to also politely point out that @Peanutbutter is not from the USA or Canada or the UK. I believe the laws in our western countries are fairly liberal when it comes to divorce, either party can file, and it's kind of "no fault". Not all countries are like that, and in fact some countries really discourage divorce and make it pretty difficult.
> 
> Bearing that in mind, and considering that they aren't technically "unhappy"--they just aren't romantic--I thought maybe one place to start might be to think of options to improve that romantic part.
> 
> @Peanutbutter, I had a crazy idea...literally after reading @Cynthia 's post. When was the last time you were romantic with him? I mean, have you written him a love letter lately? Sang him a song? Sent him flowers? LOL It's not utterly "manly" but sometimes a guy wants a little romantic attention too. 🤷‍♀️


Thank you for sensitivity 
Both of us come from different but similar ‘invasive’ ‘let’s gossip about everyone else’ kind of cultures, but thankfully our families/circles are pretty open minded so it’ll be possible to get a divorce with lesser consequences. Mostly general gossip about me as a woman (especially) back home but tolerable if I ignore them.
No I don’t think I’ve done anything romantic for him in the recent past. Not as an accuse entirely but I did put more of an effort during the first few years of marriage, he wasn’t as reciprocal and that put me off.
Something I need to think about I guess!


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> I respectfully disagree with Cynthia.
> 
> Folks Peanut Butter's last train to Nextville is leaving at midnight and it's 11 30pm. She is literally one foot out the door. Just the mental process of the cost/ benefit of the current marriage tells us all that things are not good and are at DefCon3. We all know this. She knows this. Perhaps her spouse feels this and his train is pulling out soon or already left... it's just not formal.
> - 😁 ah but I keep fluctuating between definitely wanting to end things and trying to give it one last try. I do think he sensed something is up though because I’ve been typing away at my phone since yesterday (on this post) and he came to give me a cuddle and an I love you this morning.
> ...


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> You've had ongoing issues. I doubt going once or twice would help. From what you've said, your husband has been avoiding discussions with you for years. It may take time for him to develop the ability to communicate clearly.


Hmmm true.


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