# Some thoughts about my girlfriend's sexual past



## Pauloroberts (Apr 19, 2015)

My girlfriend and I were watching some romantic comedy the other day (not my idea, trust me), and the topic of sexual history came up. So we ended up talking about it, and it turns out that she's got quite a past. 

She's 27 and here is just some of what she told me...

Her first time was when she was 17
When I asked her how many men she's had sex with she couldn't tell me but when I asked if it was over 20 (jokingly) she said oh yes, way more
Her first time doing anal was when she was 18
She has had a threesome on 3 occasions
She has kissed girls in clubs many times
She was a member of fetlife for a couple of years
She mentioned something about doing porn

Those are the highlights but she mentioned quite a lot of other occasions and people.

This is not OK. I've been with her for 3 years and I had no idea about any of this. I always had a feeling about her but I really didn't think it was like this. This is a huge shock to me and what bothers me is that I've invested 3 years of my life with someone whose values and mine most certainly do not gel. 

I don't really want to break up with her, but at the same time I can't imagine staying with her and being OK with this. It's going to nag away at me, I know it. I'm a firm believer that her sexual history has a lot to do with the ability to pair bond (or should I say, the inability), and I have seen enough evidence of this with my friends and their girlfriends to confirm it. 

I hate to think about it as 3 years is a long time, but I guess I probably will be finishing with her, at least that's how I'm feeling right now. But I just want to get people's opinions, for what it's worth.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Is this your first attempt at creative writing? 2/10 for originality.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

But Flowerchild is he your husband or your boyfriend? In some posts you refer to your boyfriend and in this one you refer to him as your husband.
Do you have a BF and a husband?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Paul,

What is your sexual past?

How has she been while she's been with you? Has she been faithful? Does she act out sexually in weird ways? 

Or is she pretty stable and well behaved?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Pauloroberts said:


> This is not OK.


According to who?? You??

For her sake, I hope you dump her, it will be the best day of her life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FlowerChild said:


> No, realistically, he's my boyfriend. He proposed a while ago so he's really my " fiance " but he refers to me as his wife, so I refer to him as my husband. Though in reality, he's my fiance.
> Lol, sorry about the confusion. I definitely do not have a husband AND a boyfriend.


Did you know that referring to someone who you are not married to as a wife/husband can have legal ramifications? That is, if you do it in public and especially in transactions such as when renting a place, opening accounts, etc?

For example here in NM, it's illegal to for an unmarried couple to put themselves out in public as married. There is no common law marriage here.

In common law marriage states, it could be used as proof that a common law marriage exists.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's illegal to use a girl's sexual past as a reason to break up with her.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

frusdil said:


> *According to who?? You??*
> 
> For her sake, I hope you dump her, it will be the best day of her life.


Well, yes, to him. And he has every right to determine what is, and what is not OK for him.

That said, I am with Holland's first response. I think paragraph form, better fleshed out would have been more effective than bullet point style. 2/10.


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## Pauloroberts (Apr 19, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Well, yes, to him. And he has every right to determine what is, and what is not OK for him.


That's right. We all have criteria and we have the right to express that to the other person. A colourful sexual past just doesn't resonate with me and it's best if we don't waste any more of each other's time. Letting her go is best.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Pauloroberts said:


> That's right. We all have criteria and we have the right to express that to the other person. A colourful sexual past just doesn't resonate with me and it's best if we don't waste any more of each other's time. Letting her go is best.


Never let yourself be shamed for having boundaries.

That said, it becomes a whole lot more difficult for people to take you or your boundaries seriously if you live by double standards. Nobody like a hypocrite.


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## Pauloroberts (Apr 19, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Never let yourself be shamed for having boundaries.
> 
> That said, it becomes a whole lot more difficult for people to take you or your boundaries seriously if you live by double standards. Nobody like a hypocrite.


Having different standards about the same thing isn't hypocritical. What's important is letting the other person know what you can and can't accept. For example, I think that if a man has a colourful sexual past, it doesn't affect his ability to bond anywhere near as much as it does a woman. That's what I believe, and there is scientific evidence for that. I have a right to believe that, and I have a right to express that, so that the other person and I know where we stand.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

So just to be contrarian for a moment....3 yrs is a long time. What are the qualities that have kept you around that long. I find it a little odd that you had no clue as to her past till this point. Is it that her behavior over the past three years has given you no reason to think she has had an "adventurous" past? If so, does that tell you that she's really into you and has put aside the fun and games to be with you? Is her past a statement of her character then or her character now? Are your feelings about her past just about her character of is it also about any insecurities you might have?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Pauloroberts said:


> . . .I* think that if a man has a colourful sexual past, it doesn't affect his ability to bond anywhere near as much as it does a woman. *That's what I believe, and there is scientific evidence for that. I have a right to believe that, and I have a right to express that, so that the other person and I know where we stand.


Good bar rattling statement, Paulo.

This should be interesting.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Pauloroberts said:


> Having different standards about the same thing isn't hypocritical. What's important is letting the other person know what you can and can't accept. For example, I think that if a man has a colourful sexual past, it doesn't affect his ability to bond anywhere near as much as it does a woman. That's what I believe, and there is scientific evidence for that. I have a right to believe that, and I have a right to express that, so that the other person and I know where we stand.


Of course there is a difference between different standards, and double standards, albeit a subtle one, often only in the eye of the beholder.

In your situation, regardless of your own past, if you can't handle hers, the right thing to do is to break up. No one should fault you for knowing and acting upon your own limitations. However, they can and should fault you if you're a d1ck about it.


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## Pauloroberts (Apr 19, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Of course there is a difference between different standards, and double standards, albeit a subtle one, often only in the eye of the beholder.
> 
> In your situation, regardless of your own past, if you can't handle hers, the right thing to do is to break up. No one should fault you for knowing and acting upon your own limitations. However, they can and should fault you if you're a d1ck about it.


Exactly. I can't accept hers. I'm not being a d1ck about it, I'm simply saying what I prefer and don't prefer.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Pauloroberts said:


> Exactly. I can't accept hers. I'm not being a d1ck about it, I'm simply saying what I prefer and don't prefer.



There ya go then. Crisis resolved.

/thread


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Pauloroberts said:


> *Having different standards about the same thing isn't hypocritical.* What's important is letting the other person know what you can and can't accept. For example, I think that if a man has a colourful sexual past, it doesn't affect his ability to bond anywhere near as much as it does a woman. That's what I believe, and there is scientific evidence for that. I have a right to believe that, and I have a right to express that, so that the other person and I know where we stand.


I was with you as far as having boundrys and a standard until you said this. That's exactly what being a hypocrite is. Holding her to a standard you don't hold yourself to is BS.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Pauloroberts said:


> She was a member of fetlife for a couple of years


Am I the only one who had to google this?

FetLife - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, you say her past would affect her ability to bond. Have you seen any clear sign of this versus other women you've dated for a long period of time? If not, then that issue is moot, without necessarily saying anything about your feelings about her past experiences.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

So maybe you should tell her about your hypocrisy and give her the chance to dump you first.... You might not meet her standards.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Op, I don't think you answered EG about your sexual history.

Well?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Very clear that this will haunt you forever. Unless you know you can live with it and accept it, the sooner you end things the sooner you begin getting over things.


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## Pauloroberts (Apr 19, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Very clear that this will haunt you forever. Unless you know you can live with it and accept it, the sooner you end things the sooner you begin getting over things.


Yep, exactly. I've just finished it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Pauloroberts said:


> Yep, exactly. I've just finished it.





samyeagar said:


> There ya go then. Crisis resolved.
> 
> /thread


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Pauloroberts said:


> Having different standards about the same thing isn't hypocritical. What's important is letting the other person know what you can and can't accept. For example, I think that if a man has a colourful sexual past, it doesn't affect his ability to bond anywhere near as much as it does a woman. That's what I believe, and there is sciegntific evidence for that. I have a right to believe that, and I have a right to express that, so that the other person and I know where we stand.


That being the case, I share frusdil's sentiment.



frusdil said:


> For her sake, I hope you dump her, it will be the best day of her life.


:iagree:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, a colorful sexual history is a deal-breaker for you. Just not enough of one that you're upfront about it with the women you date? 

Look, if you aren't interested in relationships with women with a certain "number" or who've engaged in certain activities, that's perfectly fine. You are 100% entitled to set your own boundaries about what does and does not work for you in a partner. However, this is something you need to be honest about from the beginning of any relationship. If you need the answers to questions of number or types of acts, then you should ask them before you become sexually involved with a woman. If it's a deal-breaker for you, ask and talk about it early on in the relationship. If you're not, then you're wasting your time and hers by not being honest about your boundaries. Which is exactly how you wound up spending 3 years with a woman you can't accept.


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## Pauloroberts (Apr 19, 2015)

Rowan said:


> So, a colorful sexual history is a deal-breaker for you. Just not enough of one that you're upfront about it with the women you date?
> 
> Look, if you aren't interested in relationships with women with a certain "number" or who've engaged in certain activities, that's perfectly fine. You are 100% entitled to set your own boundaries about what does and does not work for you in a partner. However, this is something you need to be honest about from the beginning of any relationship. If you need the answers to questions of number or types of acts, then you should ask them before you become sexually involved with a woman. If it's a deal-breaker for you, ask and talk about it early on in the relationship. If you're not, then you're wasting your time and hers by not being honest about your boundaries. Which is exactly how you wound up spending 3 years with a woman you can't accept.


I did ask her about her count very early on and she gave me an answer that was satisfactory but as it turns out, misleading. What I'm saying is that she lied. Apart from asking, there's not much else one can do. Not sure why you assume that I have never asked.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Pauloroberts said:


> I did ask her about her count very early on and she gave me an answer that was satisfactory but as it turns out, misleading. What I'm saying is that she lied. Apart from asking, there's not much else one can do. Not sure why you assume that I have never asked.


Did you ask her SPECIFICALLY -early in your relationship--whether or not she ever had a threesome...

...or if she ever kissed a girl...?
...or if she ever had anal and how she was...?

I'm willing to bet the answer is 'no', yet you claim that this stuff would be 'deal breakers' for you. 

Something tells me that there's more to this story than meets the eye. 

And yes...you ARE being a **** about this.


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## Pauloroberts (Apr 19, 2015)

Vega said:


> Did you ask her SPECIFICALLY -early in your relationship--whether or not she ever had a threesome...
> 
> ...or if she ever kissed a girl...?
> ...or if she ever had anal and how she was...?
> ...


I asked her how many men she's had sex with and if she has ever done anything unusual or unconventional or anything that would be considered unconservative.


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