# Thoughts on new approach when fighting with wife.



## onewithquestns (Mar 10, 2014)

Hey,

First time poster on here. Glad I can talk to a community which sounds amazing. 

So my wife an I have been married for about 4 months. We had been dating for about 3 years before that. I am 27 and my wife is 23.

We are amazing together. We get a long so well and our goofiness and sense of humor is what really brings us together.

The only complaint that I have is that when we fight, she reacts in a way that I feel makes things worse. Mind you, we hardly ever have a big fight. Once in a blue moon, but like I said when we do, she reacts in a certain way that almost seems to be way more of an over reaction. I use to react in a certain way but after our last fight about 3 months ago, I decided I wanted to try things differently. I need an opinion as to if this will hurt the relationship or better it. We did get in a fight last night and I have begun to try my new approach towards our fights. 

Before, when we fought, my wife tends to over react over little things which then angers me to make things worse. These little things turn into huge fights because we are both stubborn when we are mad. The fights will always result in her not wanting to talk to me or be around me. Like lets say I slam the door she says. How many times do i need to tell you not to slam the door. After which I will respond its not a big deal, I forgot that the door slams easily and I respond to her that she's over reacting. Then it goes from a little argument to a big argument. It gets to the point where for about a day or two she refuses to be nice to me will almost ignore me and then find little things that I do to help fuel her anger. She will not text or call me. When we are at home, she will be extremely short and try to avoid me. 

I use to beg and plea for her forgiveness and show her that I am going through living hell when she is like this towards me. I will be extremely depressed and just have the worst of days at work.

The Last time this happened, I promised myself that I would take a different approach towards this. I will try and apologize once and really mean it and if she is still going to neglect me with her anger, then so be it. There is nothing that I can do to change her mind. But I did promise myself to no be depressed not beg on my knees for her forgiveness because I do not want to show her that it really really affects me. 

So fast forward to last night. I have been on a diet for about 3 months and have lost almost 30 pounds. I use an app to track my food so that I can continue with my weight loss. I went to go track my food right after I ordered and then she grabs the phone from me and says you can wait to do that till after dinner. Im like I really need it to make sure that I do not go over on my points. She's like well you should know by now what foods you can eat. You've been on a diet for 3 months now. I got really pissy and said fine then I'm just not going to eat. She then reacted in an angry way gave my phone back to me and said here now quit your temper tantrum. 

I realized that yes, I did over react and was like look I'm sorry, I really depend on my app to track my food and felt naked without it. She didn't say anything and we just ate and went home. (Yes I do know that I acted like a child and I did regret acting that way.) She went to watch tv. We said a few words to each other and that was it. She turns the tv off and then seems to be going to bed. A few minutes later, she says "wow you're going to go to bed with out apologizing?" I'm like ummm I already did at dinner but you chose not to respond. I said I meant my apology but I'm only going to apologize once. She said you never apologized and Im like yes I did (I begin to get angry and annoyed at this point) you just never said anything and she goes on this tangent about how I'm a bad husband and I have issues and i'm trying to turn this around on her... This is usually where our arguments go. I usually being to apologize because I would rather just not fight at all. But this time I refused to give into that. I just told her that I am sick of her attitudes when she is angry, sick of her ignoring me for a day or two after we fight. She got angry and was like whatever. Don't put this on my, you're the one who f**cked up at dinner. So we said nothing after that. 

I woke her up to take a shower (we shower together everyday before work) I'm like lets get in the shower. She's like I'm not showering with you I'm still super mad at you. I put my foot down and told her to quit being so dramatic. One thing I usually never do either. 

So I shower and get out. She's getting ready for work. I try to tell her about my dream that I had but she wouldn't hear it. She goes down stairs to watch the news before work. I make myself breakfast and sit and watch with her. She then leaves and says goodbye and head to work. 

I text her about 10 minutes later and remind her to let me know what time I need to take her to an after work class that she has been taking. She responds I'm driving myself I don't need you anymore. The whole reason of me driving her is because there si almost no parking at this place that she has her classes. I said not to be like that. you know theres no parking there. I said quit being so stubborn when you're mad it benefits no one. I said I wish you could be me for one day just so you can see how ridiculous you get when you're mad. She responds... You didn't even offer me breakfast. You're so oblivious. It's getting old. I told her not to go there. because she always tries to find little things to make it look like I just keep on doing everything wrong. I then said to her. I thought of asking you. But I expected another rude comment from you as you have been doing since last night so I chose to not ask you about breakfast. Like I said I would usually be apologizing at this point but I need to take a different approach. Show her that I can stand my ground and that she isn't going to make me feel like crap anymore. I'm sick of waiting days while she neglects me and just feeling terrible the entire time. 

She then says nothing and I said. If you're going to be like that then fine. Theres nothing I can do. All I can do is apologize like I did last night and just wait. I said I'm not going to let this turn into something huge like we always do when we fight. I'm doing things different now and I hope you will consider the same. I love you and have a good day at work.

So thats where I am right now. At this point I would usually be really depressed at work, thinking I ruined our whole relationship. But this time I'm not. I am going to have a good day at work. be in a good mood and enjoy my day.

My plan when I get home is to go about things normally, and give her space if she's unwilling to talk to me still. I plan on saying hi. Chacking one last time to make sure she does not want me to drive her to her class and then head to the gym.

My whole plan is to show her that the neglect ion no longer affects me. Because looking back at the few fights we had where she neglected me for a few days. It felt terrible. I will now embrace it and go on with my day with out showing that it is affecting me. 

I just want to make sure that when I do this, that its not showing her that I do not care or that I do not love her. So if this is an ok approach to take then please let me know. Any feed back would be more than appreciated. Thanks!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

First do not apologize unless you have a reason to apologize.
When she gets pissy don't buy into it. Act happy and upbeat. If she wants to argue state your case in a calm mature way. If she starts hollering or screaming tell her you will discuss the issues when she converse in a mature way.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't understand what right she had to snatch your phone and criticize you in the first place. No offense, but when I read that I thought "what a ****ing *****!" How did you do anything wrong at all? What did you have to apologize for? How did you "overreact?" Is there some context missing here?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Did you ever ask why she didn't want you on the app? Did she want a dinner without the phones out? Did you come to an agreement about what will happen the next dinner out?

Unlike the 2 above me I could see why she would want the phone away (not snatching it but asking for it to be put away) because I don't want phones during meals out. You had already ordered so you weren't checking what you could eat, just entering it in. Then you said that if you couldn't have your phone, you wouldn't eat. That sounds more like my 6 year old than a grown man.

But you both needed to communicate more and apologize for each of your wrongs (she had many as well) but it doesn't stop with an apology, you need to discuss why you felt that way and what you can do in the future to avoid it. 
Just saying 'Sorry, but I need my app' and dropping it doesn't resolve the problem which may be why she's holding on to it (not right of her to do either)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe she gets pissy because you think she overreacts to silly little things that to her aren't silly? Doesn't make her reactions ok, but it is something to consider.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'll just take it at the initial conflict over the phone. Instead of the childish hunger strike angle, how about asking her point blank why she wants you to wait until after dinner to enter your points. Maybe she is jealous of your success and struggles with her own weight. Perhaps she is insecure that as you lose weight you are becoming more attractive to other women. Could be that she just wants to have dinner without distractions. It would be good to know. Maybe it is something you will agree with.

Once she tells you, simply state that you want to enjoy your dinner with her and want to get the points entered so that you are not distracted. Also tell her clearly but firmly that you don't want her to snatch your phone from your hands again. Be calm but firm. Keep the discussion on topic. If she tries to point out something you did to her, tell her that you will be happy to talk about that another time, but right now you are talking about the points/phone. This can be hard to do, but once you both can learn the ground rules of healthy conflict you will find that arguments don't turn into knockout fights anymore.

It worked for me.


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

I'll admit... in the past I had some of the same problems, such as making more out of something than it was, and escalating a conflict unnecessarily. I've definitely been guilty of having a bad temper.

My mom told me something that effectively stopped more than 90% of all problems arguing with my wife.

She said "STFU", and do the f'in dishes.

Try it. It's not worth making childish arguments as a grownup.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

onewithquestns said:


> Hey,
> 
> First time poster on here. Glad I can talk to a community which sounds amazing.
> 
> ...


This shows all the signs of developing into a disfunctional marriage. I'd bet that the fights are happening more and more often. You have to stop that. And you have to stop being the only one who apologizes.

And I think that your approach will make her think that you are losing interest in her and don't care about her feelings. I say that not because your approach is wrong, but from the way I read that your wife responds. She seems to need the emotional outlet of a good yelling match.

But if you don't stop these arguments, resentment will build up, other problems will develop, and serious issues are likely to occur. If I were you I'd find a marriage counselor and both of you should get some help on how to fight without all that drama.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Stop apologizing for things you owe no apology for. I use to do that when my husband would say things to me that got a reaction out of me, no longer, I ignore him, now if he wants to make up he has to come to me first. He never apologizes for anything so now I don't either.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Thoughts on new approach when fighting with wife.


I recommend the stealth sniper approach. Take your shot from the west just as the sun is going down and use a silencer. Further away the better but don't get ****y and be too far out either. 

(You didn't here it from me.)


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You need to stop minimizing her feelings when she voices displeasure.

If you slam the door, say "I'm sorry I slammed it, I understand you don't like it when I do that, I'll be more careful" rather than "it's no big deal" because to her, it is. 

As far as the food points app goes, saying you won't eat anything is a childish, non effective response. I'd politely ask her for it back, so you can continue with your healthy weight loss, and tell her you'll do it quickly then put the phone away and give her your undivided attention. 

If she won't return it call her a fat B***H and tell her that she should use the app and lose weight and maybe she'll look as good as you do.

You said you're only married a few months and it's already this bad?

Things are not looking good for the long term.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Just take the "alpha" approach.....

"fk you bit(h! This is how I roll!"

Seriously, though.....

Kudos for realizing when your being childish. Next time you get annoyed and want to snap out the first thing in your head...take a breath and count to 10 in your head. then, forget the first thing and say something more mature.

This will get worse before it gets better, by the way. Your changing the dynamic equilibrium in your dysfunctional communication and the only outcome to that is more resistance to change from her. It's the natural response to change. 

She seems to have passive Agressive tendencies, btw. Those may be hard to break.

First....don't apologize for something you didn't do.

Second...this war can go on forever, even from this last fight.

Third...if it does? Are you going to break first and apologize? Or, are you going to change your tactics?

Case in point. She grabs your phone. You get annoyed. You take the 10 second breath. You sigh, look serious...get up...go over to her side of the table. Sit down beside her. And in all seriousness, say, "if you don't give me my phone back...you may not like what I'm going to do to you....". After she refuses....start tickling her right in the restaurant. Snaggle back your phone....then plant her a big kiss with a big smile on your face. After that, whisper in her ear before you get up that your not done yet...but the next part comes when she's naked later. 

You just got your phone back. Deflected a stupid, useless argument, and kept the mood for dinner. And maybe a little sumpin sumpin for dessert....


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I would tell her that you are just not going to fight anymore.

Life is too short to spend it arguing.

Agree with her that in future you will both discuss differences calmly like adults.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

All married men who have ever "won" an argument with their wife could hold a convention in a phone booth. The goal of a married man is twofold, "piece and peace". If a course of action isn't likely to lead to either of those two obectives, don't pursue it. If we could keep debates within the realm of rationality, men would kick a$$ in domestic arguments. You are paired with an emotional being, capable of recalling every perceived slight and transgression for all eternity. How she feels about a problem trumps fact, truth, or reality. While you may be "right", she will make certain that you suffer for your correctness. I'd also recommend not slamming doors, or otherwise throwing hissy fits likely to result in property damage you'll have to either fix or pay for.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

You both have need to apologize and the lists (on both sides) keeps getting bigger as this fight keeps getting drawn out.

Do you want to take care of the relationship or do you want to win?

Taking care of the relationship does not mean apologize left and right for everything. But you do need to take ownership (and sometimes it does take a repeat apology)for your part. 

You are 100% responsible for your part in this argument. She is 100% responsible for hers.

This fight got way out of hand.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Some good, and some bad in how you responded.

First, in your marriage, the first and most important thing is not to buy into the "man is always wrong" mentality.

Men make mistakes but no one should be belittled for a mistake. For example, if you slam the door by mistake, then you can apologize for your mistake. But you must expect to be treated properly from your wife. Meaning "Wife, I realize I slammed the door. It was a mistake. I'm sorry for the mistake. However, I never want you to speak to me like that again". And from then on any time she speaks to you disrespectfully, remind her to stop speaking like that before engaging any further.

Then as far as ripping your phone out of your hands... Where you should come down is that is not the proper way to treat you. She should ask you politely to put the phone down during dinner.

And, do not engage with her unless she is treating you with respect. Go about your business until that happens. Don't chase an irrational woman. It will cause her to hate you and stop having sex with you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lenzi said:


> You need to stop minimizing her feelings when she voices displeasure.
> 
> If you slam the door, say "I'm sorry I slammed it, I understand you don't like it when I do that, I'll be more careful" rather than "it's no big deal" because to her, it is.


I agree with this part too. Understanding that her wants and feelings are just as important as your wants and feelings will go a long way. She thought you waiting until after dinner instead of after ordering was no big deal, look how that made you feel. It's the same for her when you don't think what she wants is important. 

Maybe it's the Canadian in me but I don't see the problem in saying sorry if something you've done upsets the other, even if it's unintentional. I say sorry all the time, I teach my kids to say sorry. 
I'd also try to avoid the "sorry, but....." because it's not really an apology.

If she had "won" and got to keep your phone after snatching it and you were upset, she said "sorry but I didn't want you to use the phone at the table" would that make you feel better and you'd just be over it and back to happy that minute?

You ultimately threw the bigger tantrum and got your way, said sorry but you really wanted your phone and figured she should just be over it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Maybe it's the Canadian in me but I don't see the problem in saying sorry if something you've done upsets the other, even if it's unintentional. I say sorry all the time, I teach my kids to say sorry.
> I'd also try to avoid the "sorry, but....." because it's not really an apology.


SGC, this is just how I am. Sometimes I apologize to people, not because I feel I have done something wrong, but because I have hurt their feelings, even if I did not intend to. 

But some people run with this and use it to justify whatever they did. They take advantage of my sensitivity to them. They don't show that sensitivity back to me.

I am lucky my dh is not like this. He could really take advantage of me.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I'm a bit surprised by some of the responses. I think you are both acting like children, but the wife is being a total b1tch. 

You shouldn't begging on your knees and pleading for her forgiveness when she's created the mess in the first place. That's nutz. Look what it's doing to you. This "child" you married seems to like pushing your buttons to create drama, and you react to it, then beg her to accept your apology? You come off looking pathetic. 

You both need to grow up, but start with yourself. You can't control what she throws in your face, but you can control how you react to it. Don't play her stupid childish games any more...if she rips your phone out of your hand, take it back immediately. Are you a baby? Is she your mom, or is she your wife? It's hard to tell, because she's mothering you and basically treating you like an infant. 

You can tell her that if she wants to discuss the "phone during dinner" issue, that's fine, you can discuss it, but she has no grounds to rip it out of your hand.

For one, I gather you are over-weight and trying to get healthy...you'd think she'd be more supportive of this journey you are on. 

It's not like you are texting your buddy, you are simply trying you best to follow a meal plan, and that's not easy for a lot of people. You should tell her that, right now, the easiest thing for you to do is to track your calories in this way, and you would really appreciate if she could support you in this. 

_- For people who don't know about this, once you order your food, they usually take the menus from the table. The menu is what you use to track what you eat, as it details the food you ordered. Some menus even list the calories of the items, so you can track it better, and others still have a "calorie wise" section, which only offers reduced calorie meals, making it easier for heavy people to lose weight. The wife has seen him struggle with weight, and now that he has been losing and track for 3 months, you would think she would be more supportive. Instead, she chastises him, takes his phone, and tells him he should know by now, etc. Honestly, I would look her in the eye and tell her to give me my fawking phone back, but that's just me, and I would never have married someone like this._

This 4 month old marriage is already headed for trouble. If this is the common experience in your world, where she gets upset, you beg and plead for her to accept your apology, and the cycle repeats, you need counselling, pronto. Unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life, taking blame for everything she doesn't like (and believe me, the list will keep growing).

You should read NMMNG and MMSLprimer...stop reacting to her chit-tests.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you've only been married 4 months. your young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. she is showing her true colors (shes a nasty b1tch) do you want to fight this the rest of your marriage?

I would run as fast as you can and get divorced. or risk comming back here 10-15-or 20 yrs later saying I just can't take it anymore.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> *All married men who have ever "won" an argument with their wife could hold a convention in a phone booth.* ...
> ... *You are paired with an emotional being, capable of recalling every perceived slight and transgression for all eternity. How she feels about a problem trumps fact, truth, or reality. *
> .... *While you may be "right", she will make certain that you suffer for your correctness. *....


Wow, dude. My suggestion? google "divorce"...I mean, come on.

Why would anyone want to be married to this creature?

Never gonna win an argument? She's gonna hold everything you've ever done wrong against you? Even if you're right, you'll be sorry and suffer the consequences?

This is probably very true for many men...a horrible reality they have to face, but I simply can't imagine why anyone would put up with that. 

For what it's worth, I think these statements must have been made at least slightly in jest, because otherwise they are actually kinda insulting to women. I wouldn't waste one hour of my life with someone like that.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Overreact much??!!!

I do not agree with throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Did your wife act childish? yes
But, is this completely unforgiveable?

Isn't part of choosing to marry someone, the intent and choice to work through some of the yuck...

I know I am not perfect, but thankfully my husband respects and loves me enough to own his own [email protected]#t, and will also speak truth into me when I am acting like a child...Then he gives me a chance to grow in myself... to do the next right thing...

Neither of us are perfect.....we each have our flaws....

....but we are perfectly flawed... and love each other for it.


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## easysolution (Mar 5, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> I would run as fast as you can and get divorced. or risk comming back here 10-15-or 20 yrs later saying I just can't take it anymore.


Come on, really? I thought it was somewhat common for couples to clash heads early on in a marriage. I know my parents did, but they didn't cohabitate before marriage. 

I just don't think your advice is very helpful to his marriage, at least give the guy a chance to work on the problems in his marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

lenzi said:


> You need to stop minimizing her feelings when she voices displeasure.
> 
> If you slam the door, say "I'm sorry I slammed it, I understand you don't like it when I do that, I'll be more careful" rather than "it's no big deal" because to her, it is.
> 
> ...


I hope you are kidding when you suggest he calls his wife names. Talk about immature!!!  One negative interaction requires 10 positive ones to negate and name calling does NOT solve anything nor make a point here. It will only exacerbate things.

I agree you are minimizing her feelings on things - but so is she. I suggest you point that out to her - start out acknowledging that, then ask her to own her part. Also you two both need to choose your battles. There are SO many more things you can get angry about. The things that you state which started the fights are ridiculously minor. As the years go by there will be much bigger issues so you should practice now. Both of you think - "If I gripe about this now, will this matter tomorrow? next week? next year?" Because it won't.

If your phone is out too much, it might bother her - it's a small concession to put it away - you know what you ordered and ate and can log it when you get home. She needs to realize the next time to close the door too hard just how much she might miss it if you were to die tomorrow. Life is short. Choose happiness. If those are your biggest problems, you are very lucky and you should both try hard to realize that it's better to apologize than be right. Maybe it isn't an apology for the action - maybe it is an apology for bringing it up, not considering someone's feelings, etc.

All of that being said, if she doesn't see your side of things and persists, then I would find a book (someone here will know which one) on how to deal with a passive-aggressive personality because some of that behavior is bordering on PA (shower/breakfast/etc)


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, pick up a copy of the books _Lovebusters_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_, both by Willard Harley. Read them yourself, and if possible have your wife read them either alone or with you. Start with _Lovebusters_. 

It sounds like you are both behaving childishly. You're both dismissive of one another's feelings and behaving disrespectfully to one another. In reality, two people can feel, even think, very differently about the same situation without either of them being "wrong". Both you and your wife need to learn how to communicate respectfully and how to consider each others feelings as if they were equally important to your own. You also both need to learn how to communicate with one another maturely, or at least effectively and without passive-aggressive games.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If his wife has a problem with his using the phone at dinner she can say "do you mind putting the phone away?" Not snatch it away like a toddler. I just find that EXTREMELY disrespectful and offensive. Maybe there's some background here I'm missing. Maybe she's asked him at every dinner they've gone to for the last month and he ignores her. But otherwise it just strikes me as inexcusable disrespect.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I hope you are kidding when you suggest he calls his wife names.


Yes I was.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My advice. Don't argue with her. If she throws a tantrum, walk away and let her argue with herself. Once she sees that her anger isn't getting to you then she'll have a choice. Either act like an ass or act like an adult.

You saw what happened when you stopped saying I'm sorry. She noticed that she wasn't winning the battle. By arguing with her is just like feeding the fire. She has to learn how to behave like an adult.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

easysolution said:


> Come on, really? I thought it was somewhat common for couples to clash heads early on in a marriage. I know my parents did, but they didn't cohabitate before marriage.
> 
> I just don't think your advice is very helpful to his marriage, at least give the guy a chance to work on the problems in his marriage.


No I stand by my opinion. he can take it or leave it.

if he was my son that is the advice I would give. this woman is pure drama/controling evil and unfortunatly people don't change unless there is real consequences.

I just hope he doesn't look back after 20 yrs of marriage and say man I should have lisened to chillymorn.

Ok heres the revised addition for the camper who are idealistic about marriage.

the next time she treats you like a piece of $hit stand up and say THAT is unacceptable to treat me like that and to be honest I am thinking of ending this marriage because I refused to be treated with disrespect and disdain. then walk away. if she doesn't come and apoligise with in a fairly short time frame then you would be foolish for sticking around.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> No I stand by my opinion. he can take it or leave it.
> 
> if he was my son that is the advice I would give. this woman is pure drama/controling evil and unfortunatly people don't change unless there is real consequences.


What would you say to your son if his wife wanted to use her phone right that minute so she made a fuss and said she would refuse to eat if he didn't let her. Or if he asks her repeatedly not to do something and she keeps doing it saying "it's no big deal" 
Calling someone evil and a b!tch because of a few one sided examples is a little much. IMO. 

They both made bad choices, he is half the problem and they are both basically doing the same things to each other. Not caring about what the other wants and throwing fits to get their way. Even if he leaves her to find someone else he will have to change his behaviour to have a healthy relationship. 

Yes, he should demand respect but he also has to give it. One without the other just isn't going to work.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

Agree you both need to mature quite a bit. However that's not very helpful to you right now.

What's helpful is Thound's very first reply to you in this thread.

Stop reacting to her when she gets emotional. And shut her down CALMLY, yet firmly, when she is disrespectful to you.

She is disrespectful to you because you have ALLOWED her to treat you disrespectfully. You've actually ENCOURAGED it.

Grabbing the phone out of your hands is childish, but at it's root is disrespect. Even if she were more mature, you'd still be getting dissed in other ways.

Why? Because you beg and plead, you argue, you pout, you apologize, etc. rather than calmly and unemotionally confront or simply ignore her. You even said yourself you respond childishly at times. All this behavior has the opposite effect of creating respect. So why are you surprised she does not respect you? You are acting like a little boy who needs her approval, who needs her to be happy, who fears her reactions. NOT attractive, not masculine behaviors, not worthy of respect.

Stop arguing with her, period. Stop reacting to her emotionally. Stop acting like you are girlfriends. You are lovers. That means if you want her to respond to you like you are her man, then you need to act like a man. You are here, seeking advice, which is a good sign that you are willing to make an effort and take responsibility for the relationship. That's the first step. Second is recognizing your role and that how you behave will directly determine how your wife treats you.

If she treats you disrespectfully, remain CALM, look her directly in the eyes, and say "don't talk to me like that" or "I won't tolerate disrespect" and walk away, emotionally unaffected. Don't fear her - stand up for yourself unapologetically, and don't get all emotional. You are simply stating your values, nothing to get excited about. How she chooses to respond is her business. Remain positive and calm and go distract yourself with some pleasant activity. Tell her when she is ready to treat you with respect you will listen to her. Then, when she comes around, be a man of your word and listen to her. Do NOT get sucked into an argument. Do NOT go crawling back to her. She needs you, her man, to be an emotional rock for her at all times. Stop looking to HER for YOUR emotional support. Stop looking to her to validate you, to make you feel better. That's a recipe for disaster in a male/female relationship. Be your own man first, then bless her with your love and positive energy. When she has an emotional storm, weather it - don't jump into it or add to it.

The only person allowing her to treat you the way she is, is YOU. You can both have a healthy and loving relationship but YOU have to step up and take ownership of the relationship. That means being above her emotions. Not just for you, but for her. It means putting your foot down calmly yet firmly. Not angrily, resentfully, pouting, or any other childish, non-masculine emotion in response to her.

I can tell from your posts that all of the above is just a scratch on the surface. You have a lot of bad habits you've created, a lot of poor behavior, but like I said, at least you are here trying something, looking for answers. Own your own problems first. Stop blaming her. She can be the woman you desire but that means you have to change the way you behave and operate, so that you are a MAN that she respects and desires. You have to lead her to a different response to you, and you do that by changing yourself for the better - for your own sake. She WILL respond to your changes - so long as they are consistent.



Take a moment and imagine a manly man, maybe someone you know, or maybe a fictional movie star or something. Someone who is calm, confident, in control of himself, does not seek others' approval, is a man of values and character. How would that man react if your wife yelled at him, or snatched his phone out of his hand, or wanted to argue with him about anything? Consider the things I've said above.

Now consider how your wife would respond to HIS reaction (or lack thereof). That's right, the wind would go out of her sails pretty quickly. If it didn't, and it only infuriated her more, how would she react when he casually and calmly walked out of the room, completely ignoring her, entirely unaffected by her?

Then when she eventually calmed down, minutes later or maybe days later, him UNAFFECTED by her the whole time because he has better things to do and gives his energy only to those who earn it and deserve it, and finds his own positive energy within himself rather than needing it from others, and she finally came to him respectfully and calm (and she will, because she loves him enough to marry him, and wants to be part of his calm, positive, confident, masculine, loving world), he listened to her and gave her his love and full attention in return. 

Now imagine that scene playing out a few more times. Think your wife would eventually figure it out and start responding differently to him in the first place? Once she realized her tactics DON'T WORK on him anymore, that SHE is the only one suffering? That he is not under her emotional control, she cannot manipulate his emotions, he does not place himself below her value, rather than "needing" from her, he is HER source of positive energy, of confidence, of control, worthy of respect, a MAN? A loving man she can give herself to fully, a man she desires and wants to please, rather than an emotional, fearful and needy boy she can push around...

Which guy do you want to be? Not just for her, but for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

When your wife cooks a meal, never use an app to criticise the meal by implication. She cooked it to please you. Eat and enjoy. If you are overweight, workout. Do not display your diet struggle to your wife. It is not masculine. Just gain control ocer your body and appearance. 

Do not get into arguments that become shxt tests.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I just want to say that there is nothing worse than someone saying "you're overreacting" or "don't be so dramatic" while involved in a conflict. Essentially you have just discounted your wife's feelings and declared them as being invalid. This may not be the intent but that's the message she receives.

Conflict really is a key ingredient to increased intimacy because it opens the doors to deeper understanding of what makes your wife tick. It also reveals what she really cares about and produces opportunity for deeper communication. Ultimately, your wife wants to know that she is cherished even while in conflict.

There are two key ingredients that should be present during any fight: love and respect. Your deepest need is to know that your wife respects you; her deepest need is to know that you love her. Let those principles guide you and the specifics will come into focus. Have you ever asked your wife this question during a time when you are not fighting, "honey, what do I do that makes you feel unloved?" If she responds you can then tell her what she does that makes you feel disrespected. These two questions can really help transform your communication during conflict and increase intimacy.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> What would you say to your son if his wife wanted to use her phone right that minute so she made a fuss and said she would refuse to eat if he didn't let her. Or if he asks her repeatedly not to do something and she keeps doing it saying "it's no big deal"
> Calling someone evil and a b!tch because of a few one sided examples is a little much. IMO.
> 
> They both made bad choices, he is half the problem and they are both basically doing the same things to each other. Not caring about what the other wants and throwing fits to get their way. Even if he leaves her to find someone else he will have to change his behaviour to have a healthy relationship.
> ...



after rereading his first post I would tell him the same thing!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> *When your wife cooks a meal*, never use an app to criticise the meal by implication. She cooked it to please you. Eat and enjoy. If you are overweight, workout. Do not display your diet struggle to your wife. *It is not masculine*. Just gain control ocer your body and appearance.
> 
> Do not get into arguments that become shxt tests.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He ordered his dinner....at a restaurant. 

You took this in a whole new direction. You are saying that his behavior (calorie counting) is self-emasculating, but her ripping the phone from his hand in public is acceptable to you? 

She didn't make him dinner. She snatched his phone from him in public, which is IMO embarrassing, demeaning and disrespectful. If she wanted him to put his phone down, she should have asked him politely. If my girl did that to me I would be pissed...it's what a mother does to a misbehaving child, not what a wife does to her husband.

I'm not saying his actions/reactions were much better, but she definitely instigated this conflict, and she's used to his reaction of begging for her to forgive him for the transgressions she told him he made.

They both need to grow up, but he definitely needs to stop putting up with that crap. He's fueled her behavior by giving her the response she craves...the begging, and the "i'm wrong, and you're right" reaction he gives is just his "get-out-of-jail-free-card", so he can move on to till she starts again. He can keep going in that circle or he can stop putting up with it.


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