# How Do I Trust My Wife Again?



## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

It's been a little over a month since I 'officially' discovered my wife's EA, and we're talking a lot more than ever and doing all the things that seemingly need to be done to rebuild our connection. I even went to a therapist yesterday for the first time ever, mainly because I'm having a lot of difficulty accepting that I know EVERYTHING and can't come to terms with the fact this won't happen again. The therapist asked me how she can rebuild trust, and I didn't have a good answer to that. Is this on me completely, or are there things your partner has done to help reinforce your trust after an affair?

P.S. I know I'm being a little impatient, it's only been a month and without a doubt this will take some time to heal. I just want to be sure I'm doing my part to make this work.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

cowboyfan, when you were younger did you ever watch the Brady-Bunch? I know silly question, but there was an episode where one of the boys was playing with his ball inside the house, and he broke his mom's prized vase.

Anyway, rather then fess up he simply glued it back together to hide the crime. Unfortunately, a little while later his dad brought home some flowers and boom, when they added water to the vase it began to leak, and he was busted.

I know, I know, where are you going with this LIL? What I am trying to allude to is the fact that you won't know what you have in your marriage for sometime cowboyfan. You'll have no idea for a while what the overall integrity of your marriage is. Accept that. Yes, you can and will begin the important process of gluing the pieces back together, but not until later, until some stress is introduced into your union, will you likely have any idea whether or not you still have a functional "vase" for a marriage. A marriage in fact that will still "hold water". 

For the record I despise tv, and have never liked the Brady Bunch. It just popped into my head, so I ran with it. LIL


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Cowboyfan,

I am in the same boat as you - it's been almost 2 months since I found out about my H's A. We are doing really well but you're right - things will pop into my head like is that really where he is, is he telling me the truth, etc. But all I can say that I am doing is when those questions pop up, I ask. I tell him what I am feeling, why and what he can do to make those feelings subside, etc. Everytime his phone rings or he gets a text, I will ask who is it? And he will tell me. (I can check to if I choose) The therapist asked me the same question - what do you want your H to do? My H went with me and he asked to. What is it you want from me to help you, he asked? He said he is willing to do anything to prove his love and show me how sorry he is but I have to tell him. LIke you, I couldn't give a definitive answer on the spot as I wasn't sure??!! So I guess in a way, it is "on us" to tell what we need to rebuild, as hard as that is.

For us and our situation, our marriage wasn't in a good place so in order for us to rebuild and reconnect, we have to fix that so for me, there is alot I have to fix/change in order to make that happen. So, I guess in my case, I am working hard on improving my part in this marriage, I probably am spending less time concentrating on what he did. Don't get me wrong, I still go there and get upset from time to time. But I am determined to not focus on the negative and focus on the positives. Unfortunately as the therapist pointed out - we spent so long focusing on the negatives of each other and the negatives of our marriage, we lost/forgot the postives. SO part of our recovery is to go back to positves only so by doing so, one of the negatives happens to be his A. 

I believe he is being completely honest with me when I ask and I ask some tough questions. Could he be lying? Yes, I guess but honestly I know he is not. Did he lie and hide the A? Yes, but were we talking and connected as a couple during those weeks? NO, the only talking we did was about the kids or obligations and the usual arguments. So, there was no TRUE talking or sharing of feelings. If there was, I would have known something was going on or he would have spilled the beans. AND there wouldn't have been an A because he would have had a wife that was talking to him and showing him affection.....no need for the OW. 

I think you're doing your part. Just continue to keep those lines of communication open - that's very important. Good Luck to you!


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

cowboyfan-

I don't think you will know when you can trust her again. It's going to take time and a lot of work, but mostly time. You will know when you and your wife have reconnected, I think we all have this intuition regarding our partners. Believe your gut. if you think she is lying to you, question her. Its hard. For me, i believed my H when he told me that nothing was going on, they were only friends, but my gut told me that he was lying, and my gut was right. But i truly think he has told me everything. If he hasn't and I find something out, he knows I will leave. He knows he gets this one chance to make it right and come clean regarding everything. I think mommy2 hits it dead on...COMMUNICATION. I still am learning this. Everytime you feel something, positive or negative, tell her. 
I wish you the best of luck, tough times are still ahead, but I think if you both are willing to work through these tough times you both will come out as a stronger couple and stronger people.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

lastinline said:


> cowboyfan, when you were younger did you ever watch the Brady-Bunch? I know silly question, but there was an episode where one of the boys was playing with his ball inside the house, and he broke his mom's prized vase.
> 
> Anyway, rather then fess up he simply glued it back together to hide the crime. Unfortunately, a little while later his dad brought home some flowers and boom, when they added water to the vase it began to leak, and he was busted.
> 
> ...


Nice analogy, made me laugh. :smthumbup:

You're absolutlely right, I'm afraid it will just take some time and work. Thank you for the respone.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

can'tbelieveit said:


> cowboyfan-
> 
> I don't think you will know when you can trust her again. It's going to take time and a lot of work, but mostly time. You will know when you and your wife have reconnected, I think we all have this intuition regarding our partners. Believe your gut. if you think she is lying to you, question her. Its hard. For me, i believed my H when he told me that nothing was going on, they were only friends, but my gut told me that he was lying, and my gut was right. But i truly think he has told me everything. If he hasn't and I find something out, he knows I will leave. He knows he gets this one chance to make it right and come clean regarding everything. I think mommy2 hits it dead on...COMMUNICATION. I still am learning this. Everytime you feel something, positive or negative, tell her.
> I wish you the best of luck, tough times are still ahead, but I think if you both are willing to work through these tough times you both will come out as a stronger couple and stronger people.


Sounds a lot like my wife and I, although we weren't arguing lot we definitely lacked communication (we both have a tendency to avoid conflict so we weren't even addressing our differences). I gues I still seriously doubt I know everything, it seems that the more I press the more she reveals so I just don't know how much more there is. THAT is what's driving me most crazy right now.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Just curious, when you ask her questions - does she answer them? Or does she avoid answering? Or is she just answering by giving you the least amount of info in order to be sufficient for you? Have you discussed that you want to know absolutely everything, holding nothing back so that you can move on and rebuild your marriage? I mean it could be that she has told you everything but for good reason, you just don't believe it. OR it could be there is more and she doesn't want to tell you because a)she is guilty and doesn't want to hurt you anymore than she already has and/or b)afraid if she does tell you more you may change your mind and not want to work things out, etc. 

But that is where the communication comes in. You have to talk and talk until you are done talking.......and then talk more! The 1st two weeks after I found out about his A we talked for hours everynight once the kids went to bed. (no TV, our DVR was full!!!) We texted during the day - sometime communicating important info and sometimes just flirting or telling each other how much we love & missed each other. 

Just as Can'tbelieveit said - everytime you feel something positive or negative - share it. I, too, am learning that. And sometimes it will be at the oddest time but I will let it out. Sometimes it leads to a discussion and sometimes it just needed to be said so he knows how I am feeling.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Amen LuvMyH! 

Couldn't have said it better myself. I agree with you 100%!! That's how it is here too!


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

mommy2 said:


> Just curious, when you ask her questions - does she answer them? Or does she avoid answering? Or is she just answering by giving you the least amount of info in order to be sufficient for you? Have you discussed that you want to know absolutely everything, holding nothing back so that you can move on and rebuild your marriage? I mean it could be that she has told you everything but for good reason, you just don't believe it. OR it could be there is more and she doesn't want to tell you because a)she is guilty and doesn't want to hurt you anymore than she already has and/or b)afraid if she does tell you more you may change your mind and not want to work things out, etc.
> 
> But that is where the communication comes in. You have to talk and talk until you are done talking.......and then talk more! The 1st two weeks after I found out about his A we talked for hours everynight once the kids went to bed. (no TV, our DVR was full!!!) We texted during the day - sometime communicating important info and sometimes just flirting or telling each other how much we love & missed each other.
> 
> Just as Can'tbelieveit said - everytime you feel something positive or negative - share it. I, too, am learning that. And sometimes it will be at the oddest time but I will let it out. Sometimes it leads to a discussion and sometimes it just needed to be said so he knows how I am feeling.


She does answer my questions with some prodding, but definitely leaves out details/minimalizes the details. For instance, I've asked her how many times they've talked by phone - a couple weeks ago it was only 3 times, now it's at least 6. Not a huge deal, but she's made it clear on other issues I won't go into detail that she's not sharing everything. I have a strong feeling it's mainly to save me from being hurt more, but I've made it as clear as I can that it's having the opposite effect. We've definitely been flirting more and have been more active sexually, but for me that only temporarily cures things - every time she turns me down or isn't totally receptive I get depressed and start reflecting on this incident (like today). I am sharing EVERYTHING I'm feeling (starting to feel like a woman ), but I don't think she's doing the same like I need her to. I guess I'll keep trying, it's all I can do!


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Quick update - since I couldn't get the face-to-face conversation with my wife I needed, she agreed to email me the full details of this incident. I asked very detailed questions, and she gave very detailed answers. Although the content was hurtful, I have to say that I haven't felt better than this since well before finding out about her affair. I made sure she knew this, it was clear she was still afraid I'd leave her if I found out 'too much' which simply was not the case. Anyway, since I usually only post how frustrated I am I figured I'd actually post that things are beginning to look better!


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Great to hear that! Honesty is so very important in healing. It's really the only way to rebuild trust.

This is a very good sign.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Happy for you! You're right, not fun to hear but it does make you feel better once it's out there. I know my H is being honest when he answers with things I don't like hearing but I asked.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

cowboyfan said:


> She does answer my questions with some prodding, but definitely leaves out details/minimalizes the details. For instance, I've asked her how many times they've talked by phone - a couple weeks ago it was only 3 times, now it's at least 6. Not a huge deal, but she's made it clear on other issues I won't go into detail that she's not sharing everything. I have a strong feeling it's mainly to save me from being hurt more, but I've made it as clear as I can that it's having the opposite effect. We've definitely been flirting more and have been more active sexually, but for me that only temporarily cures things - every time she turns me down or isn't totally receptive I get depressed and start reflecting on this incident (like today). I am sharing EVERYTHING I'm feeling (starting to feel like a woman ), but I don't think she's doing the same like I need her to. I guess I'll keep trying, it's all I can do!


This is exactly what I am going through but it was a PA as well as an EA and lasted over 6 months. Its been about 16 months since I found out and I know I'm not where I want to be or would be if he had been more forthcoming rather than having to prod for answers and minimizing the detail. 

With your updated posted it seems you have been able to reach her on this and by her doing that, as painful as it must have been to read this, you will heal much faster and be able to rebuild the trust.


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## BrokenTrust (Mar 8, 2009)

Hope everything is working out for you and your wife. It has been about 10 months since I found out about my wife and her EA with one of our friends. It's not easy and time helps.

Good luck to both of you


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Thelma said:


> Why would she break your vowels? Why would she risk everything without giving her first marriage a chance? What was it about the other man that made her leave in the first place?
> 
> 
> __________________
> ...


Believe me, I've asked all these questions and know it will take time to heal. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but I can clearly see she sees the error in her ways and is making a conscious effort to fix some things with herself that have lent to this issue. We've both sought counseling individually, and have talked about couples counseling. What's funny is that both or our individual counselors have said we're doing everything that we need to be doing to get past this, and that couples counseling may not be necessary. We really are communicating better than ever, and although I still have concerns moving forward I'm making those very clear and she's responding well. Thanks for the word of warning, though, I think it's always best to tread lightly in the wake of a major event like this and I'm making an effort NOT to become to optimistic about how things will progress.


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