# I really don't know what to do anymore



## AndrewBevill (Sep 14, 2010)

My name is Andrew Bevill. I have already been married once and divorced. I have now been married again for a little over a year. When we met, we really hit it off, we had both gotten out of bad relationships and at first she didn't want to date, but I somehow convinced her.

When we got pregnant we were both happy and even though our engagement and marriage was really rushed, I knew I loved her. One year later and this marriage is on the brink of being a very familiar trainwreck. Apparently it's my fault becuase I work a job she doesn't like, I can't stuff our son's cloth diapers right, I don't help out enough around the house, and whatever else she can think to complain about. I'm at the end of my rope and I seriously don't know what to do anymore. We haven't spoken in two weeks or so and she blocks all my attempts at communication and affections. 

I have never felt so alone. Something inside me has died and I'm not sure if it's coming back. Apathy has replaced my love and adoration. Is it wrong to simply not care and wait for the other shoe to drop? I need some insight.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

AndrewBevill said:


> I have never felt so alone. Something inside me has died and I'm not sure if it's coming back. Apathy has replaced my love and adoration. Is it wrong to simply not care and wait for the other shoe to drop? I need some insight.


Why would you make that choice? 
Try a little less love and adoration, and a little more standing up to her and not tolerating her treatment and b!tching at you - then decide if you need to move on ... and think twice before getting married a third time.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Short of her putting her fingers in her ears and loudly saying, "Lalalalala I can't hear you, la la la!" or just physically not being at home (doubtful seeing as you have a baby) there is no way she can't NOT hear what you have to say.

It's time to buck up a little bit and push through that stubbornness that is completely blocking your ability to salvage this relationship.

Now, while I think some of the issues began when you were dating, since we've progressed to such a red zone it's not going to do much to worry and bite our nails about decisions already made and passed. So, first of all both of you need to accept that you both made the decisions as adults to marry and make a commitment. Remember those vows you made at the altar? They still apply. I think you both are forgetting "through the good times and the bad." Most people do.

Now isn't the time for affection beyond hand holding and physical touch (for now!). Since your wife is clearly showing verbally and physically she doesn't want you near her - you're going to have to execute with some finesse the next steps to confronting this issue.

First, you need to tell her with no uncertainty that now is the time you two need to talk. If she loves you and wants to be your wife, you need to express that under no circumstance is this ignoring of one another the proper way to deal with this issue you are having. Say it to her face. If she hides in the bathroom, say it through the door and give her some time to think. Set a meeting time - in the kitchen at 8 after you put your son to bed. Even volunteer to be in charge of the baby to give her some alone time and thinking time. Then sit at that table and wait for her to show up. Then it's time to discuss issues like adults.

She has an issue with your work. Then what is it that she expects you to do? She has no idea? Tell her the options you have available at that place of employment.

She's mad at how you do your son's diapers? Tell her you want to get better at it (and mean it, or its worthless and makes you a liar) and you would like her to show you how to do it properly.

Chores around the house? It's a common complaint. Time to make a list of things she expects you to do in a week and it's your responsibility to monitor those things. Make sure they are within reason for your work schedule.

Problems like these are often because of communication issues. Tell your wife that instead of saying, "I sure wish someone would take out the trash." have her say, "Honey, could you take the trash out for me?"

Women like to say things indirectly. I know I do. I do it all the time and then I have no one to blame but myself when things don't get done. I know if I want my husband to do something, I have to ask him. I didn't know that, though, until he told me. Now, if he doesn't do what I asked - that's a whole other situation to deal with.


Also, you two need to go to counseling. If you attend a church, often the pastor there will do it for free. Counseling is going to help you two figure out how to better communicate to one another. It's going to help you talk about issues that you might have been afraid to talk about one on one. That third party will help immensely. Counseling might save your marriage.

I'm not a big fan of divorce, especially since I find most marriages could be saved - it's just because it requires work and effort every day that people give up. You're giving up and that's not fair to your wife or your son. You made a commitment under God and a legal contract with your wife. If you don't fight for her, well... can you really blame her for leaving you in the end?

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.


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## Divorce to be (Sep 15, 2010)

AndrewBevill said:


> My name is Andrew Bevill. I have already been married once and divorced. I have now been married again for a little over a year. When we met, we really hit it off, we had both gotten out of bad relationships and at first she didn't want to date, but I somehow convinced her.
> 
> When we got pregnant we were both happy and even though our engagement and marriage was really rushed, I knew I loved her. One year later and this marriage is on the brink of being a very familiar trainwreck. Apparently it's my fault becuase I work a job she doesn't like, I can't stuff our son's cloth diapers right, I don't help out enough around the house, and whatever else she can think to complain about. I'm at the end of my rope and I seriously don't know what to do anymore. We haven't spoken in two weeks or so and she blocks all my attempts at communication and affections.
> 
> I have never felt so alone. Something inside me has died and I'm not sure if it's coming back. Apathy has replaced my love and adoration. Is it wrong to simply not care and wait for the other shoe to drop? I need some insight.


Man, your life is not too different from mine. Anything I do is unacceptable. When I feel motivated to clean the house and do the dishes, that is when she tends to strike the hardest. She waits patiently for me to do some good and shoots me down. As I go down in flames, she makes sure there are no lakes for me to make an emergency landing. 

The only thing keeping me in this marriage are my kids. Quite frankly, I do not know how long I can do this for my kids. 

Here is something which may interest some of you. My wife is currently taking an anger management class. But guess what??? Since she started this class, she has exploded with more fury than ever. To make matters worse, I tease her by saying, "This anger management class sure helped you?"

I do not know how to turn things around....maybe I do, but it seems we would rather fight than do that....

That is the story of my life...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

For whatever reason ... and their can be many of them, we fall into familiar patterns of expected behavior in our relationships. Many of those patterns create an extremely negative dynamic.

If you have succumbed to a dynamic whereby the expectation is that your spouse freaks out or demeans you, and you simply 'take it'; there is no benefit for either side. In fact, by taking it, you only encourage and embolden the behavior.

The dynamic is not as difficult to change as many think. This is because people see resolving the problem from the wrong perspective. They see it as the person expressing anger or disrespect, or other verbal abuse needs to change their behavior. That cannot happen .... unless you change your behavior in how you choose to respond to it.


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## AndrewBevill (Sep 14, 2010)

Well..We divorced.

She left on Thanksgiving of 2010 and the last two years have been hell. But I've learned a lot about life and myself. Thanks for all the advice.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you need support, that's what we're here for.

I'm sorry things have been difficult.


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