# Wife used cocaine in college



## cabin (Oct 5, 2010)

I just found out that my wife of about 6 months used cocaine in college. I had a suspicion, and didnt really want to know but she told me anyway. She says probably a dozen times in four years. I have never used drugs of any kind before and am having a really hard time with this. Like..a really hard time. She never told me before we got married because she was afraid of how I would "react"...she was right, i didn't react well. Should I be freaking out? She said she hasnt used since college - but i just cant get the image out of my head of her snorting lines at a party. What should do? Help!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How long has your wife been out of college? If she just graduated, you might have some reason to be concerned. If that's been years ago and you have no evidence that she still uses, leave it in the past. Your wife would probably be less than thrilled if she knew everything you did before marrying her and chances are, she's done other things you really would prefer to not know about. What's more important is who and what she is, now.


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## cabin (Oct 5, 2010)

She graduated 5 years ago and said she hasnt used since. Is 12 times in 4 years a lot? My problem is that it makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it and I dont know how to get over it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are over 1440 days in 4 years. She's not joining the Columbian cartel any time soon. Sure, it's illegal and I wouldn't condone using drugs, but if she's telling the truth, she wasn't an addict back then and you have no reason to suspect she is, now. 
If it helps your stomach problems, try to recall if there is anything you have done in your past that you'd be embarrassed by. If she's otherwise a great wife, then be grateful.


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

Many people (myself included) did or do a lot of stupid things in college. What I can tell you is that cocaine can be an addicitive drug. If she used it 12 times in a 4 year span...well, that is simply an experment and she obviously did not take to it. Odds are she did a very minimal amount and it hasn't manifested into anything.

What concerns me about all of this is why did she feel compelled to tell you about this? You say you had a suspicion (why?) and didn't really want to know. It seems you are being extremely judgemental over something that most would find trivial. I would have to think there is a reason for that and maybe that reason needs to be examined so you can find some peace with the situation.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You could look at it like this. She gravitated towards you to be in a healthy, nondruggie lifestyle.

If she only tried it a dozen times or even twice that much, that long ago?

She's not an addict and left behind a mistaken path years ago.

Should she have hidden that from you? Maybe not.

But there are far worse things than ending a drug experimentation.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Actually, I'd be glad that she told me and I didn't find out from someone else. I used marijuana when I was younger (played in a hard rock band-it went with the territory) and would drink like a fish when I was in the Army, but my wife knows it's in the past, and no, she wasn't too thrilled to know either. I'd say drop it-she left it behind, and her life is with you now.


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## kmw51561 (Oct 26, 2009)

I can understand why she didn't tell you. She knew you'd be upset. And I'm a firm believer in not sharing information with a loved one that is going to unnecessarily upset them. Especially if said information will have no impact on your current lives. Unless she killed people, sold drugs, did a stretch in the joint or abused children I can't believe there's anything she's done _before she met you_ that can't be forgiven and forgotten. And I know what I'm talking about. My spouse is more like you. Quite able to see me in a completely different light because of something I might have done before she ever met me. And not letting me forget it.

Don't be that person. I wouldn't say it strengthens a relationship.

Good luck.


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## cabin (Oct 5, 2010)

I was suspicious because she is very attractive and tended school at the University of Miami. Those are probably shallow reasons to suspect something but they are why I did. She didnt tell me because of how I would react - which is exactly why I didnt want her to tell me. But she said going forward she wanted to be honest with me. I cheated on her once before we got engaged...she said she was over it...but now seems she's not. She said she didnt want to feel hypocritical about asking me to be honest when she wasnt being honest herself. That said - I still wish she hadnt told me. Ugh.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Get over it and I mean fast...worrying about the past will only hurt the future. Do you love your wife? Love who she is today? If it were not for trying coke, doing coke, she would not be teh person you fell in love with and love today. EVery experiance shapres who we are and who we become, so without that partying you msy never haf met her. She could have gone down a different path. She was kid in school...you were a kid once....did you ever steal? Are you a thief now, did thst experience change you?

Judging a loved ones past is childish and selfish, look at you at yourself and really look for what makes you sick? Are you jealous of not partying?

Be greatful it is over and she did it then and not now. My X judged my past ignored her own, learned no lessons and through everything away for partying.

CNB


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Could this be a case of "who committed the biggest wrong"? Maybe you are taking what she did, just a little out of proportion to feel less guilt over what you did? 

We all make mistakes. The fact that she learned from it, changed, grew, became a better person, is what you should be looking at. I hope the same is true for your cheating. You feel betrayed by something she did before she even knew you. You need to move past this and not look at her like she is some former druggie. Just like she need to not look at you like a cheater. Forgive and move on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dude what she did before she met you really isn't your place to judge as long as it wasn't too crazy. She tried drugs in college, who didn't? She obviously gave it up long ago. Sure coke is worse than pot but it's not like she was sharing needles. Let it go bro.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I agree with CodeNameBob - get over it and quick!

This is in her past and more than 5 years ago - just because you married her do you have the right to know EVERYTHING in her past - I bet she doesn't know all of yours.

So what...it was in college and more than 5 years ago - what are you freaking out about? And why does it matter if she just told you now - she hasn't touched it in 5 years - so what.

Get over it and fast - I agree - you're making a mountain out of a molehill...


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## cabin (Oct 5, 2010)

Maybe I am overreacting but where I come from that just isnt done. maybe its a cultural thing that i just dont understand. she comes from a wealthy family...me, not so much. I guess i just havent been exposed to it as much as others.

I did just ask her though if she would tell our kids about it (down the road) and said "my parents never lied to me". I think that telling kids that there mom used blow in college is a HORRIBLE idea. Others?


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

cabin said:


> Maybe I am overreacting but where I come from that just isnt done. maybe its a cultural thing that i just dont understand. she comes from a wealthy family...me, not so much. I guess i just havent been exposed to it as much as others.
> 
> I did just ask her though if she would tell our kids about it (down the road) and said "my parents never lied to me". I think that telling kids that there mom used blow in college is a HORRIBLE idea. Others?


No disrespect intended, but your view on culture or wealth is pretty ignorant. I read more of your thread...you cheated while dating, is that something only poor people do? Only wealthy people know how to forgive?

Being honest with kids is good thing, she is not going to tell them, "Mom got coked up an banged five guys!!", maybe the two of you could say, "Both of us made mistakes while growing up, mistakes that we are proud of, so if you are thinking of experimenting with drugs think again, it causes everyone around you nothing but pain."

You have other issues to worry about, like why are you caught up in the past, her past? Do you feel like you are not good enough? 

If your wife loves you, is open with you then you are a lucky man. Focus on the now and growing together, digging up the past is only going to dig up your roots...the foundation you have poured together.

Get over it!

CNB


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Hmm, college....

Drunken stupor to the point of passing out at times - cannot even count how many times in 4 years.

Smoking pot - Nope cannot count how many times in 4 years

Speed - Needed that extra kick to help study or stay up and party to get laid, maybe 15 times, not sure. Speed is bad, stay away from it like the plague if you can.

Cocaine - Not too sure, maybe 10 or so times, didn't really like it. Getting drunk was better and more fun IMO.

Shrooms - Cannot count, had a buddy who was growing this crap so could get it whenever I wanted some.

After college, stopped smoking pot, stopped all the drugs, still drank but not until passing out (well once in a while after college but no more now a days)

College = experiment with things that you couldn't do while living with mom and dad. Most kids try things and stay away from them after college. Some do get addicted but 12 times in 4 years is nothing. 12 times per week for 4 years is a problem.


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## cabin (Oct 5, 2010)

What I meant codename Bob, is that people from more affluent lifestyles that mine, have probably been around cocaine more and are therefore more used to it and dont think its as big of a deal.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

cabin said:


> Maybe I am overreacting but where I come from that just isnt done. maybe its a cultural thing that i just dont understand. she comes from a wealthy family...me, not so much. I guess i just havent been exposed to it as much as others.
> 
> I did just ask her though if she would tell our kids about it (down the road) and said "my parents never lied to me". I think that telling kids that there mom used blow in college is a HORRIBLE idea. Others?


Where I come from cocaine isn't something that is common either - in fact I don't know anyone who did/does it even now. 

Where I come from, eating pig ears and dipping skoal isn't common either but that doesn't mean other people don't do it. Something you've never seen or tried, doesn't make it foreign or from outerspace and yes, you are overreacting.

And why wouldn't you share with your children the mistakes you've made - good life lesson and might keep them from following down the same path. Now, of course, it needs to be age appropriate - I wouldn't tell my 5 year old that I had sex with my boyfriend when I was 16, but I might tell my 16 year old about it and how I wished I had waited, etc. So no, its not a horrible decision, just needs to be age-appropriate.

Heck, my 67-year old mom is spilling the beans about some of her past mistakes these days - surprising the hell out of me, my saint of a mother wasn't such a saint!

You need to let this go - goodness - there are more important things to be upset about - if you don't believe me, read some of my posts or some others on here, if this was my only problem I'd be whistling dixie every day (but I do have to admit the seriousness of everyone's problems are relative) - but just put it in perspective - you'll feel better!

Now take a deep breath and chill....


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Cabin, you sound like a decent guy for the most part, except for the cheating. But could the real issue be that you are decent and straight-laced, while she was one of the "cool" crowd? Perhaps you are concerned that she will someday miss her old partying lifestyle and go looking for some exciting debauchery-and possibly find an exciting man to match her recaptured youth?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Cabin,

Before some politicians decided to declare cocaine "bad", people had been using the stuff openly for thousands of years. Had your wife been born a few decades earlier, she could have used the stuff in the presence of any police officer or minister in this country. Point is, coca leaves are just plants like any other. God didn't curse the coca plant or the marijuana plant or mushrooms. There is no commandmant, "Thou Shalt Not get High". It's "bad" because the government said it's bad. That would be the same government that gave LSD to soldiers. I'm a cop and a soldier. I don't use cocaine but I don't think God's doing urinalysis testing in heaven, either. 
If our teenage sins could never be forgiven, very few of us would be considered fit to be married or parents. You've got an apparently hot, honest wife, who has an open mind and perhaps can be a little adventerous. Sounds like a guy's dream come true to me. Would you really prefer to be married to Aunt Bea?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

LET IT GO.
If you don't she won't feel that she can tell you things without fear that you will blow up and beat her over the head with it for the next 60 years. This will cause her to hide things, and not reveal all truth.
What is going on or has gone on since you two have been together is more important than what happened in the past when you weren't together.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

My wife was the same way when she was in her 20's (she is 45 now). She did alot of things back then that she would never do today (including cocaine use). It also bothered me when I found out about it, but I realized I was no saint either. I didn't do things quite as bad as my wife, but they were all before I met her, and the things she did were all before she met me. You can't hold it against them. I need to just live in the present and so do you. As long as she is not doing it anymore (doesn't sound like she has in a long time), then drop it. It will eat at you forever if you don't.


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