# Caught my wife texting another man.



## MrMojoRisin

OK, I've recently discovered that my wife had been seceretly texting another man. I've already made the mistake of confronting her about it while only knowing the number of texts and who the number belonged to.

I don't want to get to detailed, but I think a little background is required. My wife and I have been married for 17 years, and have four wonderful children. I love my wife, but I actually was unfaithful to her almost 15 years ago. We were in a rut, and i was unhappy with the frequency of our physical relastionship... It had gotten to the point that we had only had sex 4 times that whole year. I spent a lot of time "feeding" on pornography. I was only searching for a release, not a relationship. I ended up meeting a prostitute that I found on craigslist and recieved a BJ. It wasn't great, i felt guilty and almost told my wife what I had done just to clear my consience. I didn't have to,... My wife found the emails between us and confronted me. We both broke down, she admitted she needed to put more of an effort into our physical relationship, and I knew I needed to put a lot more effort into our emotional relationship. I put in a lot of work and spent the next several months, maybe years rebuilding trust her trust in me. She stuck by me, and we got though it and have been doing very well. 

Until recently.... 

My wife has recently reentered the workplace and has been making new friends and spending time with them between shifts.. they work a couple hours in the AM then off till mid afternoon when they work a couple more hours. They've been going out to breakfast and that now has led to her going out with the group after work as well. Not to often, but coupled with shopping with her bff, her new workout classes (she's very dedicated and has lost over 60 lbs and looks really good) and typical girls nite out stuff it's started to weigh on my mind. For what ever reason, I started to just have this feeling that something was up. 

When she told me that her new friend was having a Halloween party but that she knew I probably didn't want to go since i didn't know anybody. It was a little odd, because normally she tries to talk me into going to these types of things, but this time it was almost as if she didn't want me to come. I said something to her about it and she said that "well if you want, I can text you and see how long i'm gonna stay, and after you get the younger kids to bed you could come out and meet me". (we have for children, two youngsters and two teenagers so we weren't abandoning our kids. The older ones babysit all the time). Later that night she texted me and asked if I was coming... I told her that I was planning on it, but had kind of settled in and wasn't sure. I asked her how much longer she was staying and she said she wasn't sure. That there were only 3 people that she knew from work and blah, blah blah, I got the impression that she wouldn't be there long enough to warrant the 20 minute drive out there. That was the last i heard from her until she came home at 2:00am, almost 4 hours after we talked about her not staying much longer. 

I didn't confront her that night as i was pretty angry and just pretended to be asleep, the next morning, I tried to talk to her and asked her what happened? Why she came home so late? Why not a text saying, "hey, i'm having fun now, gonna stay for awhile?" She got defensive, and I got angry. I said that I thought something was going on. She said absolutely not, I stormed off and we didn't really talk for two days.

During that time I started snooping around and looked at our phone bill and noticed how much she had been texting. I downloaded the bill into a spreadsheet format and was able to sort them by number and one number showed up more than any other. In one month, she sent and recieved over 200 texts from/to this one number. I picked up her phone that night and found out that there wasn't one text from that number still on her phone. She was deleting them. 

That night, she was getting ready for "girls night out" I confronted her and asked if she was coming home? She acted like I was crazy and so I asked her if there was anything going on in her life that she would be ashamed of me finding out? She said absolutely not. I said "OK, I want to believe you, but first I need to know who's phone # is xxx-xxx-xxxx?" Because she sent/recieved over 25% of all her texts that month to that number. I asked who this person was (i already knew from looking at her contacts) and she fumbled around, I could she she was flustered, but she pretended not to know who's number that was. Finally she admited it was a guy from work, but they were just buddies and that he is like and older brother to her. I asked her why she would delete the messages if they were so innocent and she didn't have any answer. 

After several hours of crying and her denying she was doing anything physical, and even denying any emotional conection, I told her that i wanted to believe her, and that i wanted her phone to try and recover a transcript of the texts as that would help me see that there wasn't anything to them.. She didn't balk, and offered me her phone, but did say that i may see some "mildly flirty" texts, but again they were just buddies and she had nothing to hide. I am still trying to understand that if she truly didn't have anything to hide, why is she deleting his text messages? 

I used a program called text decypher (?)to try and recover her deleted text messages, and of all 200+ messages, I was only able to recover 54 of the earliest texts. They do seem to only be freindly, and she admited to some flirty text, but I was unable to recover any of them. 

That is where we are now, I know I love my wife. She is the most important person on this planet to me, but while she admits that she shouldn't have been texting another guy and certainly shouldn't have been hiding from me, she doesn't consider what she did as all that bad. She says nothing physical or intimate happend and i do believe her. 

I'm trying to figure out how to heal, but the one thing that is still bothering me is how defensive she got when I told her that I thought the other mans wife should know about this seceret relationship too. That I would want to know, and that if she was in her position, she would want to know this was going on. She's begging me to not notify her. I'm not trying to humilate my wife, but when she is so casual with telling me how there was nothing really there, but so adamatly against filling in the other mans wife, it causes doubt.

I want to forgive my wife and am working through that process. I just don't want to be blind and move on if she is not being honest with me.....


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## mahike

So there are some red flags. It does not prove that your wife was having a PA with anyone but she is having and EA and that is not acceptable.

Not going to a party with your wife and girls nights out she also be off the table. Your wife is feeling better about her self and she seems to be getting attention. 

Do not be the beta male sitting at home with the kids. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss boundries. Then make sure you follow up


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## tom67

Tell the omw do not tell her you are doing this just do it asap.

That is how you kill this.


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## movin on

Tell his wife.
That will probably end the "friendship"

Perhaps the wife has some information as well and could fill you in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

Call the OMW and tell her all you know - include the halloween party and the time she got home. Don't tell your wife any of this. 

Tell the OMW that your wife said it was all innocent and you just want to be sure that she (the omw) knows about it too and sees it that way. 

If it's all innocent then there's no harm in divulging this info. Think of it as protecting your marriage and giving the other wife an opportunity to protect hers. 

Do they work together? 

You can forgive this and go on to a happy marriage. But don't base it on lies. You came clean (even if forced to) with your transgression. Give her a chance to come clean too. Tell her that you have trouble believing nothing happened. 

After all, they're not pre-teens. Adults do adult things. So the chances are good that something did happen or was on the verge of happening. 

Tell her you are a big boy and are capable of forgiveness. But you need truth.


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## weightlifter

Stop confronting and look around. you only make it harder on yourself.
VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

I don't know if other browsers save the passwords where you can view them but you should be able to google and find out!


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## TDSC60

Trickle truth.
Losing weight.
Secret texting. Then deleting the text.
A Halloween party that she did not want you to attend (can you be absolutely sure that she did go?), then stays out until 2:00 am.
Protecting OM by trying to keep it secret from his wife.
Spending alone time with him at least twice a day due to her work schedule.

All typical signs of a cheating wife. EA at least, possible PA the night of the Halloween party.

You do not have the whole truth yet and it is going to be very difficult to get it given the time they spend together everyday.

Is it possible to have a friend follow her during the work "downtime" and see where they go and what they do? Or follow on one of her "GNO".

Cheaters are famous for the "I made a mistake", "I am sorry", "I will never do it again" statements then go underground by stopping the form of communication that you discovered and simply going underground. Them still working together is a monster Red Flag and if I were you I would not feel comfortable until she finds another job.


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## The Middleman

Sorry your here but at least you seem willing to take more action than most of the guys who come here. My (quick) advice, which may seem harsh but here it is:


Tell her all contact with this guy must end. To assure that she doesn't contact him at work, she should quit and look for another job. Almost everyone gives an excuse for why this is not possible but if you don't separate them they'll be screwing, if they haven't been already.
The "Girls Nights Out" and hanging out after work ends immediately.
Find out who this guy is. If he is married find his wife and tell her IMMEDIATELY. If he is not married, then have a conversation with him letting him know that texting your wife will be hazardous to his health.
Let all your close friends and family know what she has done. This affair sh1t doesn't flourish in the light of day and a little shame won't hurt her.
Follow Weightlifter's advice on keeping an eye on her, because she has proven her self as trustworthy as a common ..... well, you know.
Consider a lie detector test because I think they may have been banging already.
Finally, If she did have sex with him, dump her ass because you deserve better than that ..... and she isn't worth the aggravation you will go through in a reconciliation (just my opinion).


*EDIT: SH1T! I don't know how I missed the part about you being unfaithful to her a long time ago. All I can say is "It sucks when it happens to you, doesn't it?" Remember, what goes around comes around.* Anyway, the above advice still stands.


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## jessi

I wouldn't trust her so quickly, look what she has already hidden from you, If I were you I would use a VAR in her car and I would put a tracking device in her car and a key logger on her comp and phone, watch her for a while and make sure she isn't lying affairs happen because we trust to much…..
I would also confront the OM and tell him to leave your wife alone or you will make it clearer the next time in a more memorable way.
affairs happen because of the secrecy, if you enable that or trust blindly it will not be in your best interest.
don't be any more of a fool


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## Clay2013

If you do not stop this now your marriage is over with whether you like it or not. It may not be because she does not want it to work out. It might be because you cant get passed it once she has crossed the line. I would do a full disclosure to everyone involved including the OMW. I would require her to stop talking to the person all together and quit her job. If she even slightly stuttered or delayed on any of this I would tell her to leave. You have to show her you are serious about your marriage and if she is going to play games then get out. If she does leave have NC with her at all. If you have to talk for children sake then do that. Or if it is easier for you then you should leave. Do not tolerate any thing less than what would be expected of you if you cheated. 

Your lucky it sounds like you might have caught this early enough. As far as getting over it and learning how to trust again. I never was able to in my relationship so I cant give you good advice on that. 

Clay


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## 6301

Be prepared to feel her wrath if you contact the OM's wife and blow it up. No doubt she will bring up your past affair from Craig's list. Sometimes people play the "tit for tat" thing. You had your fling and she forgave you, now you must do the same. IDK, maybe you could and I hope that the both of you can resolve this but in order for that to happen, you have to put a stop to it now. 

Contact the OM's wife and fill her in on what you know. let her deal with her husband and you deal with your wife. Will she be pissed? You bet but now that both parties know you can figure out a way to resolve this mess but the longer it goes on, the greater the temptation. Stop it now. Good luck.


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## BlueCalcite

MrMojoRisin said:


> Finally she admited it was a guy from work, but they were just buddies and that he is like and older brother to her.


At that point you should have told her that you're not comfortable with being around women who sleep with their older brothers, and asked her to leave.


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## the guy

Tell the OMW...this will save your marriage.

And no more GNO for a month

These are the two consequences for her for keeping secrets and if you find anymore secrets, then the rest of her family will be told and the GNO will stop.

This is not controlling, these are boundries, she has the choice to respect them or let the marriage go and enjoy her single life while see her kids part time.

See chick like confident guys, you gotta make it like she has more to lose then you do. If she smells any weakness from you she will feed off it

Again your wife can except this protection or not, but now that things are changing around the house...its time to talk about new boundries that will protect the family unit.

And one more thing when your wife goes to a party with out you and calls you up and invites you over GO!!!!!!! She wants her man around her cuz she is feeling weak and is afraid of the slippery slope she is about to go down. Some guy was putting the pressure on and was counting on you to get her...since you didnt care enough then what the hell she played with his attention for another 4 hours.


At the end of the day your old lady is getting worked by some POS guy that wants her for sex....its time to get serious and step in.


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## The Middleman

the guy said:


> And no more GNO for a month
> 
> These are the consequences for her keeping secrets and if you find anymore secrets the rest of her family and the GNO will stop.


A month? No GNO's EVER!


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## the guy

The Middleman said:


> A month? No GNO's EVER!


I stand corrected!

Your marriage is in great danger...the new job, the work outs, the past...all of it is coming to a head and its time for a major adjustment from both of you to protect your marriage and family unit.

Its time to pull your infidelity out from under the rug and it time to face her infidelity head on and work on affair proofing this marriage.

At the very least the both of you need to pick up some of the books mentioned her on this site Like "Not Just friends" and Married Mans Sex Life" (and it has nothing to do with sex).....


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## warlock07

Ok, if she has a smartphone she could be having chat apps. (whatsapp, imessage etc). They use thee data plan and don't show up in records

There are apps that can hide chat applications as somethings else 


What phone does she have ?

How good are you at this tech stuff ?


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## the guy

@TM, you have been here a few years, I have been here a pit longer....OP this is not the 1st time we heard the "brother" bull crap come from a wayward wife.

In a month or less you will get the "I didn't mean it to happen" then by New Years you will her the ol' "I love you but not in love with you" speech.


Please contact OMW and aske her for her support in both your marriages and let her know that it has come to yout attention the your wife thinks of her husband as a brother and find it inappropriate.

Let her know that it would be in both our best interests that you both keep an eye on things so as to protect both our marriages.

Let her know that its her choice to confront her husband now, but since the lack of evidence of any real affair then you suggest the both of you quitely do your own investigation and compare notes if things appear to be going south.

Then let her talk and hear how she responds and the finish the convo up with letting her know you will not contact her enless you feel that both the marriages continue to be in danger.


You might be surprised and find out something you didn;t expect, or she just might tell you to go to hell. But its worth the effort to find out more about this guy....you may find out that he is a serial cheater and your wife is being played big time.


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## Chaparral

How has your sex life been? Any changes?


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## the guy

The important point with the sex is "any changes".

Most guys stop getting it, but then there are a few guys that get more of it and its different, then there is the rare case were the wayward is so experienced in cheating that the betrayed doesn;t even notice a change.

I think in this case OP should be looking for any change good or bad. In the same breath though with his own infidelity I think a change in sexual behavior from her would be hard to gage as a red flag IDK.


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## MrMojoRisin

Thanks for the response..... as for your questions,

Yes, this other man works at the same place, but they don't see each other unless they make an effort to. He has been part of the "breakfast club", and she has admitted that once or twice they were the only two that showed up for breakfast. She admits that she felt akward about sitting in public place with another guy eating breakfast, and made sure that it hadn't happened since.

I do know she was in fact at that halloween party, and that he was not. She admits that she did text him from the party to ask if he was coming, but said he never responded. The evidence i recovered from the phone seems to back up her story.

She has an Iphone 4s, IOS 7. I am relatively tech savy. I know her apple id and password, so I can track her location via find my iphone. I ran Decipher TextMessage and was able to recover 54 messages to/from the OM, they all seem to be just friendly, but... the odd thing is i was able to recover the oldest of the texts to the OM, but unable to recover the newest texts? If there was a documented progression in the relationship, I can't see it....which bothers me.

As for our sex life, it has been ok lately. Again, I started to feel like it was lacking a bit. I know that her emotional happiness directly corolates to how often we have sex. I also am very aware of my responsiblity in making her feel loved and appreciated. I would love to say we are at it a couple times a day, but the reality is more like 3-4 times a month. Which she says is fine with her, while I'd prefer more of a 2-3 times a week routine. Since the confrontation, she's been going out of her way for sex 4 of the last 7 days, and she has been the instigator which is refreshing and certainly not normal.

Since I've already confronted her, she has said she is sorry and wants me to trust her, and is willing to hand over her passwords, eliminate contact with the OM and allow me to set all new boundries to rebuild that trust. My problem is the fact that she lied to me in the first place and I didn't have any evidence of anything physical. I'm more concerned that she may just be telling me she's sorry, and admitting what i actually have evidence of: that she was texting another guy and was hiding from me. However, If that is all it was, then I can work through those issues from what she has said and seems willing to do.


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## the guy

It polygraph time.

I think a lie detector test would get you back on track and put this all behind you.

Again another consequnces your wife must face for her dangerous behavior.

Schedule one now.

Or go on resenting your wife for something she may have or may have not done. Live the rest of your life doubting your wife.

Also you have to embarrase her by contacting the OMW...you need to show your wife that this kind of thing won;t be tolorated and contacting the OMW is another consequences for her screw up.


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## the guy

Don't rug sweep this bad behavior but expose it...show this guy you are not a husband to be phucked with!!!!!!

Then after that the both of you need IC and MC to learn the tools to protect this marriage.


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## tom67

the guy said:


> Don't rug sweep this bad behavior but expose it...show this guy you are not a husband to be phucked with!!!!!!
> 
> Then after that the both of you need IC and MC to learn the tools to protect this marriage.


You have to let his wife know asap then you can watch your wifes behavior to see if no contact is going on.


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## walkonmars

If she is serious about re-committing to the marriage she will not object to you telling the OMW. So do it - but don't tell your wife before hand. 

She also won't object to laying out the entirety of their relationship on paper. A timeline. What happened on what days etc. 

This way when you find out later - and you very well might - she won't be able to tell you that it was something she admitted to already and you 'just forgot' that she did. 

Lastly, suggest a polygraph just to be sure you both are starting with a clean slate. You don't have to actually go through with it if you have strong personal objections to such tactics but her reaction to the suggestion will give you a better read of what's really happening. 

If you read enough thread here you will discover that oft times a spouse is so anxious to 'get back to normal' that they are willing to accept any explanation rather than dig deeper. Only to find out months later that the affair went underground and causes much more damage that an initial rational investigation would have done.


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## PappyJack

I would say the likelihood of you being played is about 80%

She's trickle truthing you, and you are 'nice guying' as fast as you can.


Nobody ever niced their way out of an affair.

A few people have claimed to do it, but in the long run, it didn't work. They just rug sweep harder and pretend it worked.

Woman are not wired up to respect weak men.

Not putting you down my friend, just telling you something you will learn for yourself eventually.
Hopefully before the real heartache.


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## BlueCalcite

PappyJack said:


> I would say the likelihood of you being played is about 80%
> 
> She's trickle truthing you, and you are 'nice guying' as fast as you can.


:iagree:

What's the likelihood that you just happened to stumble upon _everything_? When they throw their hands up in the hair and admit that you've got them -- that you've discovered everything, 99% of the time you can be sure that you've discovered only the tip.


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## TRy

MrMojoRisin said:


> Since I've already confronted her, she has said she is sorry and wants me to trust her, and is willing to hand over her passwords, eliminate contact with the OM and allow me to set all new boundries to rebuild that trust.


 Many on this site would give their right arm to have their spouse react this way when first confronted. She was remorseful, agreed to full transpancy which includes all passwords without complaint, agreed to full no contact, and agreed to let you set new boundaries. It sounds like you caught it early before the fog got too thick. 

If your goal was to get proof of infidelity so that you can use it in a divorce, you confronted too early. If your goal was to stop it early before something unforgivable happened, you handled it right. You were strong. Many could learn from you. One new boundary that I would suggest is that she is not allowed to delete anything from other men without showing it to you first. Tell her that going forward, deleted texts and emails will be assumed to have been inappropriate. Also tell her that she is not to use any texting apps other than the one that can be tracked in the phone bill, and that she is to make you aware of all email accounts, Skype and other such accounts.


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## InlandTXMM

PappyJack said:


> Woman are not wired up to respect weak men.



Truer words were never spoken. Every man alive would do well to carve it into our arms.


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## InlandTXMM

OP our stories have a lot in common. I also found out through phone logs while I was paying the bill. It was a guy she was in a month-long training program with in Chicago - same hotel, just a couple rooms apart. She texted him constantly. Even just thinking about all of this triggers the crap out of me.

I got the "we're just friends" line but it was obvious at least she was pursuing him. Her texts were also just friendly, but they were needy and trying hard to get his attention. "You look bored over there." "Going to the hotel bar for a drink - you want me to get you anything?"

And I, too tried first to "nice" her. For about a week or so. I asked very nicely if she'd stay away from him, that it made me uncomfortable. She said she would, and then didn't. 

I blew up, called her on the carpet, and said the marriage is ending. It was only when she had to face the reality of what she was doing did she snap out of her fog.

My friend, do NOT try to fix this situation. Your wife has to do the heavy lifting, and if she doesn't see that yet, then she's still adrift. 

Sadly, my guess is this is easily an EA and was likely working toward a PA.


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## tom67

InlandTXMM said:


> OP our stories have a lot in common. I also found out through phone logs while I was paying the bill. It was a guy she was in a month-long training program with in Chicago - same hotel, just a couple rooms apart. She texted him constantly. Even just thinking about all of this triggers the crap out of me.
> 
> I got the "we're just friends" line but it was obvious at least she was pursuing him. Her texts were also just friendly, but they were needy and trying hard to get his attention. "You look bored over there." "Going to the hotel bar for a drink - you want me to get you anything?"
> 
> And I, too tried first to "nice" her. For about a week or so. I asked very nicely if she'd stay away from him, that it made me uncomfortable. She said she would, and then didn't.
> 
> I blew up, called her on the carpet, and said the marriage is ending. It was only when she had to face the reality of what she was doing did she snap out of her fog.
> 
> My friend, do NOT try to fix this situation. Your wife has to do the heavy lifting, and if she doesn't see that yet, then she's still adrift.
> 
> Sadly, my guess is this is easily an EA and was likely working toward a PA.


:iagree::iagree:


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## alte Dame

The people on your thread have seen this over and over and over again.

You really need to expose to the OMW. No excuses. If you don't, you will regret it.


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## InlandTXMM

BlueCalcite said:


> :iagree:
> 
> What's the likelihood that you just happened to stumble upon _everything_? When they throw their hands up in the hair and admit that you've got them -- that you've discovered everything, 99% of the time you can be sure that you've discovered only the tip.


I agree with this. Being so quick to snap out of it means she is either a dream WW who really is going to correct her behavior, or else someone who got caught for a minor thing and quickly wants to shut the book on any deeper investigation.


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## MattMatt

Yep. Hurts when your partner is unfaithful, doesn't it?


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## InlandTXMM

alte dame said:


> the people on your thread have seen this over and over and over again.
> 
> You really need to expose to the omw. No excuses. If you don't, you will regret it.


listen to this, op.


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## Chaparral

Get a var and put it in her car velcroed under the front seat. If something is going on you will likely find out that way. It would also help if you could put one in the house where she is likely to talk when you are away. It may only be talking to a friend. The thing is they have a plenty of time during the day to be together.


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## Yankee99

How many affairs start by texting!!

I rue the day my wife ever got an iphone.

Sorry for you pain brother, where there's smoke there's fire.


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## X-B

Quoted from weightlifter "Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this." 
I would give anything if I had read this first. YOU can not unhear what you have heard. Take his advice.


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## life101

Always keep a VAR on yourself too. Record all your conversations with her in case she confesses even more. You yet don't know the full extent of the betrayal. Don't assume anything. Put a VAR in car. Let the OMW know. You need to do this soon before the OM gets warned. Keep monitoring the phone. I would say uninstall all the third party messaging apps. 

Good luck brother. You might have a shot in saving this. But you have to be strong.


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## mtn.lioness

texting... argh!!! but cheaters will cheat, maybe technology has made it easier, or maybe it just prolongs to inevitable...idk...

My husband, stbxh began texting another woman and he is deeply emotionally connected to her; so much so that he has left us and is waiting for her. 

Freaking texting... it hurts, and some people might say, "its just texting?" but not here... I'm so glad this site understands my pain. Yours, too.

I'm sorry you're going thru this...


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## warlock07

MrMojoRisin said:


> Thanks for the response..... as for your questions,
> 
> Yes, this other man works at the same place, but they don't see each other unless they make an effort to. He has been part of the "breakfast club", and she has admitted that once or twice they were the only two that showed up for breakfast. She admits that she felt akward about sitting in public place with another guy eating breakfast, and made sure that it hadn't happened since.
> 
> I do know she was in fact at that halloween party, and that he was not. She admits that she did text him from the party to ask if he was coming, but said he never responded. The evidence i recovered from the phone seems to back up her story.
> 
> She has an Iphone 4s, IOS 7. I am relatively tech savy. I know her apple id and password, so I can track her location via find my iphone. I ran Decipher TextMessage and was able to recover 54 messages to/from the OM, they all seem to be just friendly, but... the odd thing is i was able to recover the oldest of the texts to the OM, but unable to recover the newest texts? If there was a documented progression in the relationship, I can't see it....which bothers me.
> 
> As for our sex life, it has been ok lately. Again, I started to feel like it was lacking a bit. I know that her emotional happiness directly corolates to how often we have sex. I also am very aware of my responsiblity in making her feel loved and appreciated. I would love to say we are at it a couple times a day, but the reality is more like 3-4 times a month. Which she says is fine with her, while I'd prefer more of a 2-3 times a week routine. Since the confrontation, she's been going out of her way for sex 4 of the last 7 days, and she has been the instigator which is refreshing and certainly not normal.
> 
> Since I've already confronted her, she has said she is sorry and wants me to trust her, and is willing to hand over her passwords, eliminate contact with the OM and allow me to set all new boundries to rebuild that trust. My problem is the fact that she lied to me in the first place and I didn't have any evidence of anything physical. I'm more concerned that she may just be telling me she's sorry, and admitting what i actually have evidence of: that she was texting another guy and was hiding from me. However, If that is all it was, then I can work through those issues from what she has said and seems willing to do.


Once again, chat applications. Look for them. She might not know them herself but she could have been coached


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## Hicks

MrMojoRisin said:


> Since I've already confronted her, she has said she is sorry and wants me to trust her, and is willing to hand over her passwords, eliminate contact with the OM and allow me to set all new boundries to rebuild that trust. My problem is the fact that she lied to me in the first place and I didn't have any evidence of anything physical. I'm more concerned that she may just be telling me she's sorry, and admitting what i actually have evidence of: that she was texting another guy and was hiding from me. However, If that is all it was, then I can work through those issues from what she has said and seems willing to do.


This is good.... Many wives at this point are still telling their husbands that they are controlling and stonewalling everything.

But it's urgent that you take advantage of what she is saying she wants to do (demonstrate that she is sorry and eliminate contact etc).

1. She absoultely must quit her job. No excuses from you or her. 
2. Take a lie detector test so you can determine the level of the affiar (depth of emotional or physical aspect).

If she does these without hesitation you are in very good shape. After all, she wants to rebuild your trust... How does that happen without her performing actions.


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## Thorburn

*After several hours of crying and her denying she was doing anything physical, and even denying any emotional conection*,

Then why the several hours of crying? A typical person would not act this way if it was nothing. I suspect an EA. Your wife is in deep with this guy.


*I told her that i wanted to believe her, and that i wanted her phone to try and recover a transcript of the texts as that would help me see that there wasn't anything to them.. She didn't balk, and offered me her phone, but did say that i may see some "mildly flirty" texts, but again they were just buddies and she had nothing to hide. I am still trying to understand that if she truly didn't have anything to hide, why is she deleting his text messages? *

Why the warning about being buddies and "mildly flirty texts? Again, she is covering her arse. 


*I used a program called text decypher (?)to try and recover her deleted text messages, and of all 200+ messages, I was only able to recover 54 of the earliest texts. They do seem to only be freindly, and she admited to some flirty text, but I was unable to recover any of them.* 

Don't tell her what you found one way or the other. Act like you got everything.

*That is where we are now, I know I love my wife. She is the most important person on this planet to me, but while she admits that she shouldn't have been texting another guy and certainly shouldn't have been hiding from me, she doesn't consider what she did as all that bad.* 

Really!!! Then why several hours of crying? 


*She says nothing physical or intimate happend and i do believe her. *

Don't believe a word she says. Cheaters lie. 


*I'm trying to figure out how to heal, but the one thing that is still bothering me is how defensive she got when I told her that I thought the other mans wife should know about this seceret relationship too. That I would want to know, and that if she was in her position, she would want to know this was going on. She's begging me to not notify her. I'm not trying to humilate my wife, but when she is so casual with telling me how there was nothing really there, but so adamatly against filling in the other mans wife, it causes doubt.*

Why is your wife so defensive? I would notify the wife and don't inform you wife you are doing so. Don't go into details that you don't have most of the texts, just tell her they were inappropriate.

*I want to forgive my wife and am working through that process. I just don't want to be blind and move on if she is not being honest with me..... *

Don't forgive what you don't know. And brother you don't really know a lot.


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## happyman64

Mojo

You are getting good advice.

The fact is your wife lied and hid this friendship.

Not good.

Tell the OMW. Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

I think you caught this EA early enough but take your wife on her offer and get all passwords. 

Verify, verify, verify.

Put a VAR under her seat and verify, verify, verify that she is not playing you.

Take control and be the man.

Let us know how you make out.

By the way who goes to the gym with your wife? You did say she lost 60lbs right?

HM


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## verpin zal

Besides, other man's wife may have more info and could share what she knows with you. You need to tell her.

And try to retrieve all the texts from her phone, not the earlier 54. Listen to VAR advices.


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## weightlifter

X-Betaman said:


> Quoted from weightlifter "Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this."
> I would give anything if I had read this first. YOU can not unhear what you have heard. Take his advice.


THIS is the reason I offer my services. If you dont have someone I will do it and provide either a transcript or a high level synopsis. They are free (to BS) and we will never know each other. Ive done it for four people here. Well 2 were more enhancement/ noise cut projects which I also do.

Synopsis can be cut down to as little as
0:14:45 Man enters car
0:15:45 Female in car identifies man as Chad
0:18:16 Sound most likely kissing
0:20:17 Female moaning sound
0:20:18 Male makes groaning sound
0:20:31 Female, "18 seconds a new record long fvck!"

or even for those truly traumatized to know anything beyond confirmation.

0:20:31 Sex confirmed

One of my regrets here is early on I had one of my charges listen before I had known the danger. I had taken VAR goon role from someone whose name here I forget. He puts a var in the car and it took only like a couple days before she decided to hook up in the car. I was on that night. he was posting as he listened. I watched a mans soul being crushed and his ego destroyed. It was horrific and awful. Thus the warning.

My standard instruction set evolves. It is not just mine but the collected wisdom and experiences of ?50? betrayed spouses. 23 of them I was actively involved in helping take down the cheater.

X betaman is far from the first to echo that part about not listening.


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