# Newbie here, sexless marriage



## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

I'm new here. I dont know if im looking for advice, or just someone to talk to but I'm definitely at the end of my sanity. Im 28, my husband is 48. We've been married for 3 and a half years. I love him to death. We had an amazing sex life in the beginning. I was aware of his ED and the little blue pill and he knew I had zero issues with it because I loved the intimacy and closeness with him. Sex and physical touch is my love language. Things were great for the first 6 months. Then...the sex stopped. I have tried everything. When the blue pill was no longer affordable I got him the generic version. He didn't take a single on once. I lost weight, I tried sexy clothes, he said my mental problems were an issue so i got back on my meds, ive tried talking to him, letting him know that 3 years of no sex is not working for me. He said he would try the pills. He didn't. He said he would see a doctor. He hasn't. I told him even if he just would touch me, or play with me no sex required I would be happy. Its been weeks and he's made no attempt at anything. We have zero intimacy, im lucky to cuddle before bed. We kiss once a day and its usually getting home from work. I just don't understand why he no longer touches me, holds my hand, shows any physical interest in me. I feel like room mates at this point. I dont know what else to do


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Tiredjess said:


> I'm new here. I dont know if im looking for advice, or just someone to talk to but I'm definitely at the end of my sanity. Im 28, my husband is 48. We've been married for 3 and a half years. I love him to death. We had an amazing sex life in the beginning. I was aware of his ED and the little blue pill and he knew I had zero issues with it because I loved the intimacy and closeness with him. Sex and physical touch is my love language. Things were great for the first 6 months. Then...the sex stopped. I have tried everything. When the blue pill was no longer affordable I got him the generic version. He didn't take a single on once. I lost weight, I tried sexy clothes, he said my mental problems were an issue so i got back on my meds, ive tried talking to him, letting him know that 3 years of no sex is not working for me. He said he would try the pills. He didn't. He said he would see a doctor. He hasn't. I told him even if he just would touch me, or play with me no sex required I would be happy. Its been weeks and he's made no attempt at anything. We have zero intimacy, im lucky to cuddle before bed. We kiss once a day and its usually getting home from work. I just don't understand why he no longer touches me, holds my hand, shows any physical interest in me. I feel like room mates at this point. I dont know what else to do


Hello 

Is he workaholic ?
Dies he have any financial issues ?
Did you ask him to do some tests ?
Why did he quit taking the pill ?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why does he say he isn't interested in sex anymore? Does he blame it all on ED? Now that you're back on your meds, are you getting along a little better? because I suppose he could have been turned off by your behavior or started to feel more like your caretaker than your lover which with the 20 year age gap would not be unusual. You're going to have to get him to talking about what is going on. 

I can't guess exactly why he isn't interested in doing it anymore or if he just can't, but sometimes when people become very familiar with each other as a couple, they can lose the romantic spark just from starting to feel too much like a parent figure or a sibling figure, and if that happens, it isn't favorable for feeling sexy toward that person. 

I suppose you've already ruled out that he could be gay or something like that. He needs to be able to talk to you and tell you what's going on. The only issue you mentioned that he mentioned was your mental health, so you might want to elaborate on that or start thinking back about anything else that he has had an issue with. 

Even if you did not think it was that important.


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

IndianApple said:


> Hello
> 
> Is he workaholic ?
> Dies he have any financial issues ?
> ...


Not a workaholic, no financial issues, I asked him to see a doctor, he said he would but never made an appointment. He said he would try the generic version of viagra I got him. He hasnt touched them. He stopped taking the viagra because he ran out and 300$ a month wasn't feasible. So the i got him sildenafil which the generic version for 30$ a month. We ended up with 4 months worth of pills and he never took a single one.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe he thought a young hot chick was going to solve his midlife crisis... but found out he can’t keep up and bruised his manhood. The timing lines up ........


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why does he say he isn't interested in sex anymore? Does he blame it all on ED? Now that you're back on your meds, are you getting along a little better? because I suppose he could have been turned off by your behavior or started to feel more like your caretaker than your lover which with the 20 year age gap would not be unusual. You're going to have to get him to talking about what is going on.
> 
> I can't guess exactly why he isn't interested in doing it anymore or if he just can't, but sometimes when people become very familiar with each other as a couple, they can lose the romantic spark just from starting to feel too much like a parent figure or a sibling figure, and if that happens, it isn't favorable for feeling sexy toward that person.
> 
> ...


My depression and bipolar was the issue. The mood swings were causing issues. We haven't had any fights since I got on my meds. But its always one excuse after another, then it was because he was worried I'd get pregnant, so I got on birth control.Hes used every line I can think of from its the ED to i know I need to see a doctor because somethings not right, he's said he has pain in his grion area and worries it might be a hernia, i know its scary to see a doctor and find out something major is wrong but if I have made every possible, effort, change, done as much as I can to help why can't he?? Any excuse or issue he has made towards it being a "me" problem I have fixed.


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Maybe he thought a young hot chick was going to solve his midlife crisis... but found out he can’t keep up and bruised his manhood. The timing lines up ........


Keeping up with me was never an issue, its like he just stopped caring about our sex life when we ran out of the pill for a month.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

A friend of my wife is in your exact position.... he blames everything on her as well. From the outside looking in it can be seen that the guy has a negative self image of himself but deflects it all on her. She is completely exhausted from wanting sex that he never seems capable of providing due to some excuse about her. It’s a viscous cycle that goes round and round with those two.

Young and crazy can be hot sometimes 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😈😈😈


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Tiredjess said:


> he's said he has pain in his grion area and worries it might be a hernia


There's also a small set of things to worry about, with these presentations, that are a hell of a lot worse than a hernia. He needs to get to a doctor tout suite.


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> A friend of my wife is in your exact position.... he blames everything on her as well. From the outside looking in it can be seen that the guy has a negative self image of himself but deflects it all on her. She is completely exhausted from wanting sex that he never seems capable of providing due to some excuse about her. It’s a viscous cycle that goes round and round with those two.
> 
> Young and crazy can be hot sometimes 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😈😈😈


I wish it was an easy fix. He used to make me feel hot and irresistible. Now I just feel like a black hole of nothing. Im over going through packs of batteries, and pretending like I dont crave someones hands on my body and the need for physical affection. Im really at a point of im either going to live the rest of my life without sex and waltz through the house like a ghost or just dwindle away until I dont even recognize who I am anymore after all the changes I've made for him


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Bipolar and depression are serious issues. Did your behaviors damage the relationship irreparably?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tiredjess said:


> My depression and bipolar was the issue. The mood swings were causing issues. We haven't had any fights since I got on my meds. But its always one excuse after another, then it was because he was worried I'd get pregnant, so I got on birth control.Hes used every line I can think of from its the ED to i know I need to see a doctor because somethings not right, he's said he has pain in his grion area and worries it might be a hernia, i know its scary to see a doctor and find out something major is wrong but if I have made every possible, effort, change, done as much as I can to help why can't he?? Any excuse or issue he has made towards it being a "me" problem I have fixed.


How long ago did he talk about the pain in his groin? You need to just insist that he go to a doctor. Tell him sex aside, he needs to go to a doctor find out why he's having a pain. I doubt that's the reason why he's not having sex. Honestly most men will do what it takes to get their mojo working again, even going to the doctor. 

I'm not trying to be insensitive here and please realize I'm overweight myself, but one of the most common reasons I've seen online for husbands to lose sex interest in their women was if they gained weight. Even if he hasn't said so which would be a blessing, it could have something to do with it. It's just one more thing to put out there as a possibility. 

But regardless he needs to go to the doctor and you should be able to insist that he does.


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Bipolar and depression are serious issues. Did your behaviors damage the relationship irreparably?


No everything was fine he was pretty understanding about it all, he also knew about my mental health prior to our relationship.


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How long ago did he talk about the pain in his groin? You need to just insist that he go to a doctor. Tell him sex aside, he needs to go to a doctor find out why he's having a pain. I doubt that's the reason why he's not having sex. Honestly most men will do what it takes to get their mojo working again, even going to the doctor.
> 
> I'm not trying to be insensitive here and please realize I'm overweight myself, but one of the most common reasons I've seen online for husbands to lose sex interest in their women was if they gained weight. Even if he hasn't said so which would be a blessing, it could have something to do with it. It's just one more thing to put out there as a possibility.
> 
> But regardless he needs to go to the doctor and you should be able to insist that he does.


I thought the weight was the problem so I dropped 20 lbs. Mind you hes put on a good 45 lbs since we got married. So I wasnt the only one with the weight gain. He's complained about the pain on and off for a few months. But he only ever mentions it if we talk about our intimate life..or the lack of. Ive stressed to him about the doctors for a year i even looked up offices taking new patients for him. But he never goes anywhere with it


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Was he on viagra overdosa ?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tiredjess said:


> I thought the weight was the problem so I dropped 20 lbs. Mind you hes put on a good 45 lbs since we got married. So I wasnt the only one with the weight gain. He's complained about the pain on and off for a few months. But he only ever mentions it if we talk about our intimate life..or the lack of. Ive stressed to him about the doctors for a year i even looked up offices taking new patients for him. But he never goes anywhere with it


A lot of men think it's okay for them to gain weight but not okay for the women to. But anyway you've eliminated the possibility of that being the problem.

You might have to do what I had to do with my dad. I told him we were going someplace else and just drove him there to the doctor. If he blows up on you or won't cooperate, you need to tell him this is starting to be a deal-breaker and that you are just trying to fix the marriage and that you can't do it alone. 3 years. There's something he's not telling you. Have you ever looked on his internet browsing history to see what kind of porn he's watching, if any?

Of course they have ways now to go dark so that people can't see your history, but not everyone pays attention to that.


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

I haven't but that's not a bad idea. Somethings gotta give because I definitely can't take it anymore


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tiredjess said:


> I thought the weight was the problem so I dropped 20 lbs. Mind you hes put on a good 45 lbs since we got married. So I wasnt the only one with the weight gain. He's complained about the pain on and off for a few months. But he only ever mentions it if we talk about our intimate life..or the lack of. Ive stressed to him about the doctors for a year i even looked up offices taking new patients for him. But he never goes anywhere with it


A few things. Good Rx. com coupons can get you the generic viagra for about $30 for a 90 day supply. 

Gaining 45 pounds at age 48 can cause type 2 diabetes and metabolic syndrome which can cause serious testosterone level drops and ED along with heart and blood flow issues.

In the Covid-19 lock down just about everyone has money fears, job security fears and high stress levels. Male sexual performance anxiety is at an all time high.

Sit down and talk to him. Help him with his stress levels. Let him know you want him to be healthy and alive and to do that he needs to see a doctor and get a complete physical. Let him know you don't want to be a young widow.

Let him know that sex with him is very important to your happiness and your definiton of a good marriage. Ask him what his definition of a good marriage is? Ask him what his vision of a good marriage is in 5, 10 and 15 years? How often will sex be part of that future marriage? 
Ask him what you can di ti make sex with you more attractive to him?

Ask if you can go together to see a sex therapist?

Finally read the book, the Sex Starved Wife by M. W, Davis. You will find out you are not alone and learn some of the ways other women have found to rebuild their marriages.

Good Luck.


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> A few things. Good Rx. com coupons can get you the generic viagra for about $30 for a 90 day supply.
> 
> Gaining 45 pounds at age 48 can cause type 2 diabetes and metabolic syndrome which can cause serious testosterone level drops and ED along with heart and blood flow issues.
> 
> ...


I broke down and told him I wanted to see a marriage counselor. He said okay. And maybe well just find out we aren't made for each other. He told me he wasn't happy and I wasnt the same person I was when we got married. The entire time I was crying he just stood there. No emotion, no its going to be okay. Nothing. Im pretty sure seeing a counselor is pointless by the way he acted. Im at a loss. Im heart broken and numb and im not sure where to go from here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He’s a full grown man, it’s not your responsibility to make him doctor’s appointments and drag him to a doctor/counselor/therapist etc like a petulant little boy.

You are 28 years old and can hook up with any legal adult with a pulse in a day. 

You are young and vigorous and have your whole life ahead of you. If he’s not willing or able to meet your needs or desires, then move on and find someone who will. 

If he wants to be with you, it’s on him to step up to the plate and do what he needs to do to compete with the young bucks. 

If you are in this for a sugar daddy that pays the bills and gets you up in the morning and gets you dressed to get to work on time, then he is a father figure and not a lover. 

So if you two want to be a couple and want to be lovers as well as legal partners, then you need to adult and take care of your own health and be able to be a responsible adult so he doesn’t have to daddy you and can respect you as an adult woman. 

And he will need to take care of your needs to where you don’t have to find a younger and more vigorous buck to meet your needs.

This sounds to me like a dysfunctional relationship where you needed a daddy and he needed to be white knight rescuing the damsel in distress. 

The problem is distressed damsels get annoying and unsexy after awhile and daddy-daughter relationships aren’t supposed to be sexual.


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## Tiredjess (Jul 19, 2020)

I never needed a daddy or a sugar daddy. I legitimately fell in love with him for his personality, humor, kind eyes, him being hot was just a bonus. He didnt wanna play games or ******** me. It was are you in or are you out? I have 2 jobs, an 11 year old daughter and im the adult in the relationship. I take care of everything. He works, and cooks dinner because "its what he enjoys to do" i even help with the freaking yard work! All he wants to do is drink, watch TV, take naps, and play call of duty. So yeah. Not sure where the daddy-daughter thing is supposed to come in play here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Tiredjess said:


> I have 2 jobs, an 11 year old daughter and im the adult in the relationship. I take care of everything. He works, and cooks dinner because "its what he enjoys to do" i even help with the freaking yard work! All he wants to do is drink, watch TV, take naps, and play call of duty.


What you are describing is still kind of a parent-child relationship only in this case you sound more of the parent. 

Often when there is more of a parent-child dynamic more than a partner-partner dynamic, the sexual attraction and desire can be negatively effected because either someone doesn’t want to have sex with their parent and/or the other doesn’t want to have sex with their full grown child.


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