# His family hates me



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I'm going to try to link to a previous thread of mine that gives some history to my relationship. It's the best one I could find right now. Not exactly sure how to link to it, so trying a couple of different things on here. Hope it works. This is from a few months ago. We are now married 10 months, but not much has changed from this "considering divorce" thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/22498-never-thought-id-consider-divorce-long.html

We went to our first marriage counseling last Thursday. I have recently said I want to separate, and now he is ready to try. I made him set up mc because I wanted it to be something he truly wanted to do. 3 months later, we are finally in counseling. It went well. The mc was spot on in saying that my h needs to learn to be more assertive and has some things he needs to learn to deal with. With our approval, my h is going to do ic one night a week and we will continue mc one night a week. They are going to work on him "manning up" as some people would put it. He seems to have two modes when he is upset: all or nothing. He either shuts everything off completely, or he explodes. Usually with me it is shutting everything off completely because he has tried to quit exploding because that has been a problem of his since he was young. They're also going to work on my h getting through some of his past (his parents divorcing, mom having affairs, 1st wife having affairs, his ruined relationship with his kids, letting his family walk all over him - mostly mom - and never standing up to her).

Anyway, all was well and I agreed to give it this summer, but told him I can't promise that I will still stay, but I will give it time. Regardless if we are together, he needs to learn how to have healthy relationships. He wanted to go out to eat and have a beer. I agreed. We went to our favorite bar. My best guy friend was there, but leaving. We discussed it before going in and I told my friend that I was there with my h and I needed to spend time with just my h. Everything was ok. I was ok with just having one beer and going home, but left it up to my h to decide how long he wanted to stay, since usually it is up to me and I stay longer than he wants. We agreed on that. 

Long story short, he drank way too much. I didn't want to go home with him. I was worried about him. He started telling me things that didn't even make sense. He started accusing me and my friend of being together. Then he exploded and screamed in my face "I will f*** him up....I'll mess you both up!" I told him I was calling his dad (the only person he really talks to) and he said fine. I asked his dad to please call him and talk to him and that things weren't good between us and that my h was drunk and I was worried. Anyway, then my H left and left me there with no ride to get home. We live 30 miles away. I was sitting there wondering what I was going to do, got ahold of my friend, who had just came back with co workers and was working on a ride with him later. (we live in the same town). My father in law and my sister in law show up out of the blue then and walk in and start yelling at me. They accuse me of affairs. My sister in law calls me a *****. They attack me verbally and are finally asked to leave by the manager. I was tore up emotionally. 

I did not go home that night. I thought my h had sent them in and had something to do with it and I didn't want to go home and be attacked again. My h called and called, but I shut my phone off and didn't answer anything. I called in to work the next day, taking a personal day and finally came home and told him I was home and that I wanted to be alone. He asked me why I didn't come home and I said "ask your dad and sister". Come to find out, he didn't know anything about it. He had already left and didn't even know they came in. He was livid when he found out and called his dad immediately demanding he apologize. He said he would expect that behavior from him sister, but never his dad. 

I felt awful. I was hurt by the entire thing. I've never done anything that should make them feel this way about me. I've been so supportive of his family. I invite his dad to everything, even to holidays at my parents house. His dad finally did call and leave me a message on Friday, but I didn't answer. 

I have been upset for the last 3 days. I feel like I"m losing it. I have battled depression and panic attacks for years, but had it all under control the last 4 years or so. This weekend and today I can't seem to get control of any of it. I'm panicking, I'm feeling like a failure. I know that it is my depression and anxiety talking, but I also don't understand what I did or what about me would make his family do this. 

He has finally had enough. I tried not to let him see how upset I was, but today he's seen it. I've broke down completely. He is now going over to talk to his family and tell them that they were completely in the wrong. I can't go with him. I can't face them. I don't know how I will ever want them back in my life again, but I know if my h and I stay together, I have to. I can't separate him from his family.

What makes it even worse is that it's not the first time it has happened. With his dad and sister, yeah, but his mom did this before the wedding even. She didn't even know me. She hardly had contact with my h. But, we were in contact for the wedding, met her maybe twice for about an hour, and a week before the wedding she starts sending me emails telling me I'm no good for her son and that I'm ruining his life, blah, blah, blah. It was terrible. And my H had a very hard time sticking up for me. He just quit talking to her, however, he let her come to the wedding. After that, she gave all the emails to his ex wife, and he realized he had to cut his mom out of his life. That is another thing he is working on with his counselor. His mom was physically and verbally abusive and still continues to emotionally abuse him when he is 36 years old.

But, the other night, his sister said "my mom was right about you." And that broke my heart. It brought back all of my fears of when his mom did this to me and going through the thoughts of "what did I do??" "Why do these people hate me?" It makes me feel worthless.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am willing to work on this with him now and willing to do counseling because even if it doesn't help our marriage in the end, I know it will help our friendship and will help him personally. But, I can't go through this feeling that his family hates me. I didn't do anything to deserve to be treated this way. I'm not perfect, but neither is my h. We both have been hurt by each other and we are both hurting right now. I know my parents support both me and him through all of this because neither of us are bad people, we are just not good together. I thought I had his families support too. I live 2 hours away from my family and his family is right here, so now what do I do?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Hang in there! My in-laws hate me, too, although they've never confronted me. They were always nice to my face but then I found emails from them. 

It is complicated because I would feel terrible if my H was cut-off from his family, which is what seems to be happening in my situation. 

Something to consider is that they are reacting to the past. You mentioned his first wife cheated so maybe they are taking out all that anger on you and just trying to protect him from feeling that pain again. He must have said something to them when he was drunk that triggered that reaction. Maybe they never got to let the ex-wife have it so they took it out on you. They just don't want him to get hurt again. Im not saying that its right, what they did was completely wrong, but maybe it wasn't really about you at all.


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