# six months...is it over



## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

This is the first time posting, really don't know what to expect but i need help. I'm 33 and have been with my wife since i was 18, married for 13 years, have three wonderful girls together and we both very committed parents. Not sure if i should get into all the details so ill give the quick time-line. A couple of weeks after Christmas she came to me and said she wants a divorce. I've gone through all the emotions, sadness, anger, desperation, loneliness, confusion and so on. I have taken ownership of my part in the marriage and can understand many of her reasons and realize how she can feel this way. I wasn't abusive, i haven't cheated, I'm not a drinker etc. She says she doesn't feel loved and she feels like we are roommates who have kids, pay bills and have sex (not often). I have really tried to change, i read books , Ive gone to counseling and I'm always thinking about her feelings and her to make sure she knows how important she is. This has gone on for six months and still there is no effort from her shes acts like she doesn't care. I might need to get into some of the details so people can understand a little more of the situation but i just needed to talk if that makes sense. Thank you for reading, but I'm close to being done myself . I'm just so sad, lost and lonely.


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## lostwithin (Jun 23, 2012)

Sounds like you're trying. That is all you can do. If she unwilling to change for the greater good then it is time let her go. I have much if the same problem and me and my wife need to find out who we are what we're going to do. I wish you luck!


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

I find the hardest thing to do is to think about what direction we are heading. She has pulled so far away from me it like we are strangers alot of the time, there is such a huge wall up and she wont decide what she wants. Ive tried talking with her about everything but it just turns into a cycle and we get nowhere. she just says she dosent know what she wants and it it goes into this awful limbo feeling. I think we both scared of pulling the trigger because of regret.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Been there and there is hope from my experience.

Last year my wife shocked me with the news of Divorce. Since then I have learned a ton about things like the Walk Away Wife Syndrome and Mid Life Crisis. They are connected and come from years of built up resentment. Read the book Divorce Busting. It helped me learn what I needed to do and most importantly to have patience through this fog she is in. The grass is not greener and this is a great time for you BOTH to improve yourselves and the relationship.

You can't take it all on you and be aware if you take all the blame and put her on a pedestal, you will look less attractive. Learn the 180 for you.

Limboland was the worst. Can you get into MC with her? If so, find one you both agree on as not all counselors are a good fit and they do bring their own POV into the sessions. Find one you can both work with if she will do this.

I wish you well and sorry you are going through this.


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

We did do mc but she says it makes her think of everything and she just gets mad. I'm at the end, I just losing all hope. She won't take any responsible for anything. I know I have to just take a step back and let her but I look into everything she does and says , I think everything means something. Thank you . Wish I could go back and change some if the problems.....20...20.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is there a 3rd person in the picture?


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

keko said:


> Is there a 3rd person in the picture?


I have tried to look for any kind of trail but I can't find anything. She does have a lot of guy friends and we do work opposite schedules but I have done a lot snooping(never been like that in our relationship). Like I said we have three girls and she works evenings(bartender) , I the parent that is the one that really does all their activities and I don't want to lose that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

dan7272 said:


> I have tried to look for any kind of trail but I can't find anything. She does have a lot of guy friends and we do work opposite schedules but I have done a lot snooping(never been like that in our relationship). Like I said we have three girls and she works evenings(bartender) , I the parent that is the one that really does all their activities and I don't want to lose that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bartender and guy friends - lots of men on the make in bars. Don't want to send you off on a wild goose chase but dig a little deeper. Don't let her know you suspect anything. Many women will not leave one relationship without having the next one in sight. It may be someone she is talking to, like one of her guy friends. 

I think you are right to not take all of the blame. It seldom helps to give more than you are getting from her. You can work on your issues but try to avoid over doing the attentiveness. Become the man she fell in love with but do it for you. In that way you become a better partner and give her space to come to you. If she cannot you will be good to go for someone else. 

My suggestion is to back off a bit although it may be scary. Hovering around her waiting for her to decide will probably push her away.Put away your fear for now and be bold. That won't make her go away. If it does, she was already gone. Become more independant. Be nice to her but stop trying so hard until you see something from her, then match her involvement. 

Communication with a guy friend would not arrouse your suspicion. Look into her communication with any men friend or not. I think you should get tge books that were suggested and keep trying the reconnection. Maybe PM This Is Me for more advice would advice and read other post about how to flush out cheaters The very best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

Since I did some snooping she has got her own cell phone plan and put a lock code on her phone. She says its because there are things she doesn't want to see that would hurt me. I've never kept track of her or stopped her doing anything, she's had her freedom in the marriage. The last six months iv changed since she told me she wants out. I'm getting so alone, my social life consists of my three kids, which I love but not to have any adult interacting is very depressing. I'm just waiting for her to make a change, what ever it might be.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

dan7272 said:


> Since I did some snooping she has got her own cell phone plan and put a lock code on her phone. She says its because there are things she doesn't want to see that would hurt me. I've never kept track of her or stopped her doing anything, she's had her freedom in the marriage. The last six months iv changed since she told me she wants out. I'm getting so alone, my social life consists of my three kids, which I love but not to have any adult interacting is very depressing. I'm just waiting for her to make a change, what ever it might be.


Dan,

I'm sorry but the whole new cell phone thing (being locked, own account, and especially the line about "there are things she doesn't want to see that would hurt me" are huge red flags that she's involved in an affair.

It's time to implement the 180 hard and fast on her. Also, if you do want to invesigate further, place a voice activated recorder under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Get a keylogger for your PC and go back through the old cell records looking for extensive texting/calls to a particular number or two.

Do not confront her at this time until you have hard evidence but I'm not even sure you need to wait for that now. It looks like not only did she check out of the marriage, she's already moved on.

I wouldn't be surprised if you find out this relationship goes back to the beginning of your problems. I am sorry


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

Strange you just posted that. Just received a text from her that she's looking at a place wed and she thinks its just time and that there is no one else. God the pain is crushing . Where to go now


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

dan7272 said:


> Strange you just posted that. Just received a text from her that she's looking at a place wed and she thinks its just time and that there is no one else. God the pain is crushing . Where to go now


Only direction is up. Don't let her waste your time if you don't want to wait. 

"I'm going to be totally by myself for a while after being with a man everyday for these past years"

YEA...RIGHT.

Do her words say divorce? YES
Do her actions say divorce? YES


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

I guess I might be very closed minded and think she wouldn't do that. Truth is she did it 7 years ago and we got back together. I had a huge wall up and never got over it and I'm sure that made a big difference in my situation now. This is so hard the reality is closing in and I feel like I have lost control. This is going to be very tough in the months ahead but I got three girls that need to be happy , its time like she said.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Dan,
> 
> I'm sorry but the whole new cell phone thing (being locked, own account, and especially the line about "there are things she doesn't want to see that would hurt me" are huge red flags that she's involved in an affair.
> 
> ...


Dan Im sorry about the recent developments, just as Toffer said the new phone plan and it being password protected are a waving red flag of an affair, whether it be emotional or physical.

Which brand is the new phone? On some you can extract texts, even deleted one's by plugging it to a computer.

+1 on a voice recorder in her and a keylogger in a PC she uses at home. Do these quickly before she moves out, if you want to save the marriage.

Do you have a friend or a relative that live/work near her work? That can check up on her one night?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

dan7272 said:


> I guess I might be very closed minded and think she wouldn't do that. Truth is she did it 7 years ago and we got back together. I had a huge wall up and never got over it and I'm sure that made a big difference in my situation now. This is so hard the reality is closing in and I feel like I have lost control. This is going to be very tough in the months ahead but I got three girls that need to be happy , its time like she said.


Wait, she already cheated before?


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

She said she didn't. She was talking to him and decided to leave when she thought she could have feelings for somebody else.....she ended up with him a couple months later coincidence I guess. It's like deja vu ......that was when I was 25 now I'm 33.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So do you want to save the marriage or move on?


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

I want to save it..don't get me wrong I have had my issues during our marriage , no cheating or abuse but the reasons why women might look else where for attention. I worry about providing for her and my three girls that's been my life but I forgot about her and our love. I see it and she doesn't care now how ironic.


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

I guess ill have to let it play out, and see where everything falls. Tough to do it alone


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Lets say she leaves and wants to come back after a few months. Would you take her back knowing she's been used by other men?

One more thing being passive and wanting to save a marriage is the worst possible combo. You either needs to pull the plug right away on the marriage or face the problems head on.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Have look into books called married men sex life primer and no more mr nice guy. Although it appears you have until Wed to really save this marriage, at the least these books will help you in your future relationships.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not alone dude alot of us are here b/c are cheating wife took advandage of our kindness.
Many of us are still here b/c we see guys like you apoligizing to there wives for her sleeping around. So its my experience and many other guys here that will tell you to man up and stop throwing your self a pity party.

Sorry bro, but if a stranger on the internet can see it...then your chick can see it so please please please stop it.......Its time to get alpa male on her butt and get some confidence and ego....trust me its a hell of alot more attractive then what you are doing now. And right now you need to look as attractive as possible to your chick.

Dude you diserve to be happy so stop tolorating her crap.

#1 show her the confidence that you can let her go

#2 never beg for your marriage

#3 take your kids out more often without your wife.

The thing here is it might be a exit affair or it might be a fantasy.
You will know which one it is once you man up and start pushing her away. There a tactics and strategies that will help you get through this.

Today, right now, you have to pick your self up and get your sh*t together. Stop and look at what is really going on. You know damb well as soon as she gets her own place, she will have "a new BF"....I'm talking with in hours, brother.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

If everything does happen and she's with someone else, won't be able to get back with her. She's done thus once before . Too many things to over come and it took me years to get over things before. Just read one of another posts by ...the guy..... Further down on the thread and he really makes a lot of sense. I think its the only way I can be in this situation....told me how it is .


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

You're so f#$$$&&* right.. it will be a challenge ever day but feeling sorry for myself is no way to deal with it....thanks dude.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hey Dan,

Who's it going today?


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

Well, she's at the local pool with our girls. We had a five minute conversation and she keeps saying she wants to happy and there are two many resentments. I was out on the front of our house and she pulled in talking to a person about a house so I guess she's moving out. I always want to add things like its both our faults its come to this because people are only getting one side of the story. I don't know if I'm so sad because I love her and she says she doesn't love me or am I scared of being alone and the pain if she moves on. Don't know why there isn't any part of her that wants to try and work on us. It seems so easy for her(that makes it very hard).


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Does she know what you need from her? I know often times people have a frame of mind of what they want but don't fully articulate it so the partner is doing what they think that person wants but it's not close. (speaking from experience) And are you doing exactly what she told you was lacking? Both parties need to be understand and work on those things for it to work out without resentment. Or worst case she could be too far gone, maybe when she asked from the divorce she was already close to where you are now maybe she had already tried everything without any change from you before she came to you with the divorce?

Point is you need to talk to her and see if there is anything in her that wants to reconcile and then go from there, she could use some MC as well for her resentment etc.

In my mind it's never just one person in the relationship to blame, both parties can work on something to make it better. Good luck 

EDITED: Sorry I just read the rest of the post....It does sound like she has already moved on or even had feelings for someone at one point and realized that it must be over because she could have feelings for others (usually when a woman isn't bonded to her spouse anymore that isn't a good sign) Either way you still need to discuss this with her so you can get yourself ready to move on if need be.


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

Yeah, it does seem she s moved on . The week after the holidays is when she told me wanted a divorce. In that time it seems like she was just buying time. We had good weeks over the six months but she wouldn't make any effort to work on us. We did do counseling but everything was my fault and that's why she says she's this way. We have been together since we were 18 and 19 now 33 and 34. Had kids early so I don't know if its like she feels like she missed out on things.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

dan,

Not that this makes it an easier but at least you're still young. You have a whole lifetime in front of you to find someone who will truly care about you and be faithful to you.

Time to grab yourself by the boot straps and pick yourself up.

Put the 180 into full swing and show her what a confident, strong man looks like. Hit the gym, lose the weight and be the best father possible to your kids.

Be civil to your wife but only talk or communicate about the kids or any financial things the two of you need to do to put this marraige behind the both of you.


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

The confident part is the hard part after somebody crushes you like this. As for going to the gym already do and I'm in good shape so I guess that's good. Spoke with a lawyer couple months back to get an idea of what's going to happen it makes the situation very real


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

Wife just got back, dropped the kids of then ran somewhere else. They were just house looking like a happy family.... I don't think it really has soaked in yet.


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## dolph (Jun 28, 2012)

First off Dan i want to say sorry your in this situation. I read from the beginning and it rang so true. My wife told me the other day that she doesn't think this is working and gave me the "roommate" line like you said. We've been having some issues for a few months but didn't think this bad.

Here's where i need some advice. She said she needs some space and wanted to take our 2 boys and separate for a little while and see how it goes. I don't have much of an issue with that except it would kill me not seeing my boys, here's where it gets interesting. She doesn't really work and we're not loaded to have 2 different places so here best guy friend (which i still don't think could ever happen) offered his place for everyone. He is a good guy, and i know they knew each other for a long time with nothing happening between them until recently, i think. 

I asked her to stay at home and we could go to MC to see what happens, but she hasn't decided yet. I think we still have something, but she is not so sure. I'm feeling that if she leaves, that i will be just driving her into another man's arms and she'll be gone for good?
(sorry it got wordy)


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## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

I don't know if I'm the one to ask for advise because as you can see its not really working ii so great over here. What I have learned is that they have to make up their mind. By begging , crying, say all the things would should of said before means nothing and I think it pushes them away. It's very hard not to do this and we think if we say this or do this for them it will be all fixed. The fact is it took a long time for it to get this bad and will take a long time for it to get better(im it does). As for her staying at a guys house I don't know. It would definetly make me uncomfortable. Does she have family? Let it be her decision she might agree to go to mc but she might be just be saying it. The hardest thing to do(which I am still not good at) is just let them be. They feel smothered . Good luck I don't know if i was any help. I'm sorry


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## dolph (Jun 28, 2012)

thanks dan, you def were some help. I too am uncomfortable with that same situation. She says she won't do that if i don't want her to, but then I'm the bad guy because she has nowhere else to go and she feels stuck here, and i'm sure that won't helpthe situation at all. She does have family but no one that has enough room for her and 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I am finding it hard to not say all those things i want to, and instead just sit with my mouth shut when communication is a big issue for us. I feel stuck in a now in situation because if i say i'm perfectly fine with her leaving then she could practically be in another relationship already, but if i want her to stay she resent me for it and always be pissy?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

dolph said:


> thanks dan, you def were some help. I too am uncomfortable with that same situation. She says she won't do that if i don't want her to, but then I'm the bad guy because she has nowhere else to go and she feels stuck here, and i'm sure that won't helpthe situation at all. She does have family but no one that has enough room for her and 2 kids and 2 dogs.
> I am finding it hard to not say all those things i want to, and instead just sit with my mouth shut when communication is a big issue for us. I feel stuck in a now in situation because if i say i'm perfectly fine with her leaving then she could practically be in another relationship already, but if i want her to stay she resent me for it and always be pissy?


dolph & dan, you've gotta let them go, can't talk them into staying, begging,pleading reasoning does nothing but push them away, trust me, when they see a strong confident man that can make it on there own they start to see the "changes". the only questions i'm asking my w is if she wants a divorce(i already have a lawyer & divorce packet) or if she wants more time, if you read my thread you'll see the journey i'm on & what & how i found out things, i'm not sure i want R now, i'm stuck in limbo land myself as she won't give me an answer. she is with another man which i never would've thought was possible & what i found out at the court house will blow your mind, i think that is page 30


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