# Only wants sex whens she is drunk?



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

Hi Everyone,

I please want some advice from both the husbands and wives on this one!

My Girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 7 years and still have a good relationship,I have my first real job now (after years of study and internships..) and am slowly but surely planning our engagement(more difficult than I thought it would be!)

What is bothering me is our sexlife,which does not seem to exist if she is not intoxicated.It appears to be getting worse as time goes on,as if there is no connection whatsoever if she hasnt had anything to drink.

Dont get me wrong,there is nothing wrong with a no inhibitions romp on a Friday night after we have been out till the early morning every now and then but i need more. 

This started happening a few months after we moved in together,at first it was fine cos all i had to do if I was feeling frisky was buy a bottle of wine or take her out for a drink,but that soon lost its flavour and now i fell like she has no attraction to me because she has to be drunk to want to sleep with me.

It has gotten to a point where I also deny her when she wants sex after going out with her friends or had a few glasses of wine,as then she reeks of liquor and cigarette smoke,is all clumsy and rough and I usually need sleep for work tomorrow(She also never comes in at a reasonable time,even if I ask her to).

Worst of all is that she blames me for not being able to have orgasms during sex or oral,but she clearly cant get off when drunk.

Talking about alcohol in our relationship,thats a sticky subject too as her parents are alcoholics so every time I bring up her drinking she gets super defensive.

Our sexlife was great until this slowly started happening and progressing so I cant see that she should have any inhibitions that need drinking away...We sleep naked and bath together every day for crying out loud!

It feels like im in a sexless relationship,as the woman I have sex with is not the same woman I am in love with(atleast not emotionally).


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I will say what no doubt lots of other people will say....DO NOT GET MARRIED.

If she is like this now, it will only get worse. Walk away now before you have a mortgage, children, dog etc.

Plenty more fish in the sea.


----------



## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

...Remember that she can't give informed consent if she's wasted, dude.

But how long has this been going on? Is she drinking really often or is this a few times a month kind of deal? What does she do when you try to initiate sex and she's sober?


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

askari said:


> I will say what no doubt lots of other people will say....DO NOT GET MARRIED.
> 
> If she is like this now, it will only get worse. Walk away now before you have a mortgage, children, dog etc.
> 
> Plenty more fish in the sea.


You sound like most of my stupid friends(all single)!

Well I am more of a fixer and ditcher,I really dont want to leave her over one facet of our relationship.

If all else fails,then I suppose that I can try moving on.

Anyone have some other advice,maybe from a Womans perspective?


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

batsociety said:


> ...Remember that she can't give informed consent if she's wasted, dude.
> 
> But how long has this been going on? Is she drinking really often or is this a few times a month kind of deal? What does she do when you try to initiate sex and she's sober?


Well rules are a little more flexed in ZA regarding consent,not stressed about that. Plus she is never really "wasted",as I said parents are alcoholics so she can handle her booze quite well.

This happens a few times a month only which I dont mind as we have different personalities an she needs to be around people and dance and loud noise etc etc.I am passive and introverted so i prefer keeping to myself and work my hobbies.


There was a stage when it was very bad(3-6 times a week).It was because i was working and studying 17-20 hours a day and she it was her way of coping with the lonelyness.But I left that job for something more suitable so I can spend more time with her.


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

peacem said:


> This is what I used to be like and I had no idea that it bothered H until he told me he thought the booze = not liking sex much. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. Obviously it is an inhibition thing but definitely not a reflection on how I feel about him. Women get performance anxiety as much as men and I felt like I was a better lover when under the influence. Turns out he prefers me sober. Also, it is difficult to be having frequent sex if I need to drink every time because I would be consuming way too much over the week.
> 
> So once he had told me how he felt, and I explained my reasons for drinking, we agreed to lay off the booze - not every time but some of the time. Turns out I can climax quicker without drinking, I think it is because my mind is all over the place when I have had a drink.
> 
> This is really problem that can be solved. 7 years is a long time, I'm sure you have something worth working at. There is a way of talking about that will not make her defensive. You are not forbidding it, you are just telling her how you feel and let her make the decision to cut down.


Very great post,I am glad to hear that there are other couples out there with the same issue we have now-and that they could come to a compromise.

I definitely feel we have something worth working at,i love her!I mean who does not have problems?


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

Personal said:


> Evidently you know better than all of your friends and some of the good people here that have enjoyed terrific marriages or have been blighted with sexless ones.
> 
> If sex isn't important to you press on, if it is important........oh........well, I guess you know best.
> 
> Good luck!


First of all,yes most of my friend are all a bunch of nitwits:loser:,when it comes to girls and relationships anyway. 

Not sure about the good people on this board not commenting on that,but they are all happily married and still look for advice on this forum right?No relationship is perfect!

Sex is important yes,it is why I am trying to fix the issue?

No need to be nasty dude,thats not constructive. Maybe you are the one who needs to get laid more?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Did you ask her what changed? This started after moving in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Can't tell from mobile, are you female?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

peacem said:


> Are you any good at massage? This may be a really good way to simulate that deep relaxation that wine gives. Perhaps buy a book on sensual massage and have a practice. Start early in the evening before the wine gets opened and definitely use the bath (plus candles) as you know she's really into that - very relaxing sex.


You do have a point,maybe try getting her in the mood and relaxed in other ways!

That may just do the trick to show that she does not need alcohol to be calm and relaxed with me.

Thanks for that one!


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Did you ask her what changed? This started after moving in?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She moved away from her parents house,so she could be a bit more adventurous and party a bit more.

When we were staying apart we had to take what we could get sexwise,back of car,wait for parents to go away,that kind of thing.

But honestly speaking,we havent had a real conversation on why it is that she has to be drunk.

BTW I am male,thought that might come up.

Courtney is unisex in ZA


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cool. Some real conversation time is probably overdue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Courtney....just seen you are in ZA...I'm up on the East coast of Africa....plenty more fish in the Indian ocean - if you are on that side of ZA!

I hear what you are saying about it being only one aspect of your relationship...but please believe me....as time goes on, assuming her behaviour continues, it will grate on you more and more. 

When I married my wife 20+ years ago I knew she wasn't highly sexed. Over the years she has become less and less interested in sex and has never given me a BJ. Over the past ten years her attitude to sex has built a shed load of resentment on my side.
Had I known then what I know now, I would not have said I do, or got anywhere near the church.

If she can only bonk you when she's pi$$ed its alarm bells. Do what you feel is right for you....but I still stand by my initial response;
do not marry her.

By all means stay together but do not buy a house together, do not (absolutely not) have children etc....


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Could it be that she's really not into you sexually, so has to be drunk to get it on with you? She may like you for other reasons, even while lacking real attraction.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

askari said:


> Courtney....just seen you are in ZA...I'm up on the East coast of Africa....plenty more fish in the Indian ocean - if you are on that side of ZA!
> 
> I hear what you are saying about it being only one aspect of your relationship...but please believe me....as time goes on, assuming her behaviour continues, it will grate on you more and more.
> 
> ...


*In agreement with askari!

She is the one with the problem! She has two viable options available to her: (1) Acknowledge her problem and try to do something about it, or (2) Go on with the status quo, either deluding themselves in hoping that things will take a turn for the better, or just remain complacent in their current situation, with little to no regard for your feelings.

Personally, I feel that you can do far better! I can only hope that you have come to the sobering realization that life was really never meant to be that way! *


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

askari said:


> Courtney....just seen you are in ZA...I'm up on the East coast of Africa....plenty more fish in the Indian ocean - if you are on that side of ZA!
> 
> I hear what you are saying about it being only one aspect of your relationship...but please believe me....as time goes on, assuming her behaviour continues, it will grate on you more and more.
> 
> ...


I hear you,definitely a consideration.The more I think about it the more it makes sense,it does bother me more and more for sure-just imagine in 5 years from now.

Let me first first see if this is not a symptom of something or if she is willing to make a compromise.

But thanks for the advice!

BTW im from GP


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Could it be that she's really not into you sexually, so has to be drunk to get it on with you? She may like you for other reasons, even while lacking real attraction.


That is the real reason I started this thread,I am worried that she does not have any interest in me sexually and that when her standards drop when drunk then im probably convenient.

It makes me feel like I am a more of a family member or a close friend than a lover.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I think your bigger problem, given that her parents are both alcoholics, is alcoholism. 
THE worst drug on planet earth.


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

UMP said:


> I think your bigger problem, given that her parents are both alcoholics, is alcoholism.
> THE worst drug on planet earth.


An yet still perfectly legal...

I do monitor the situation very closely,I ensure that she does not develop a habit. She does not drink that much maybe once a week and over the weekend, I think I drink a lot more than she does in volume.It is something I am very serious about as she has a very addictive personality

What is weird is that she does not know right and wrong when it comes to drinking alcohol,for instance she does not see what is wrong with taking a cooler box along to a funeral or asking an underage friend to pour her a drink and then offer her one two.

But that is a story for another thread...


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hi Courtney, 

I dated a guy for 8 months that loved to drink beer (was self-proclaimed beer snob), big foody, and smoked (occasional) cigars. He wouldn't be affectionate outside of a quick kiss unless intoxicated. Never even removed an article of my clothing once. Lights always off. I did a lot of begging and tried to be patient and understanding. 

Now, I'm not Ms. America, but I'm also not an ogre. In fact, he had some excess weight that he was well aware of but it never stopped me from being affectionate. So, among other things, I realized that maybe he's just not that into me when sober and that if a man has to hit the bottle to be intimate with me, he's probably not for me. That's NOT the kind of affection I was looking for. 

So, I dumped him a while back and I'm happy to say that for the last nearly 7 months, my darling SO has been miles better on the compatibility scale. 

So to borrow Askari's words, there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you're set on staying with your present gf, then I'd be prepared to accept drunk sex for a while. Somehow I think this will only succeed at eroding your self worth.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

just why would you ever want to stay with someone who dose not desire you sexually? 

this is a huge red flag. better take notice.

this will eat at your core then when she cheats with the bad boy she thinks she desires and you find out after your married and she get half of your assets you will feel like it was worth a fixer upper.

every relationship advice say you can't change a person there are no fixer uppers that is the number one biggest mistake people make staying in a relationship or getting married to someone who they think will change Just because if they truly loved me they would want to make me happy.....NOT!

but its probably worth sticking around to make love to someone who has to be drunk first.

good luck with that.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Courtney99 said:


> An yet still perfectly legal...
> 
> I do monitor the situation very closely,I ensure that she does not develop a habit. She does not drink that much maybe once a week and over the weekend, I think I drink a lot more than she does in volume.It is something I am very serious about as *she has a very addictive personality*
> *What is weird is that she does not know right and wrong when it comes to drinking alcoho*l,for instance she does not see what is wrong with taking a cooler box along to a funeral or asking an underage friend to pour her a drink and then offer her one two.
> ...


This is exactly how alcoholism starts. Legality has nothing to do with it. Please be assured that I am NOT judging you or your girlfriend. God knows I'm no angel and will not throw stones. You came here for advice, and I'm giving you mine. I don't want you to look back on this conversation in 20 years time saying to yourself, "I wish I had listened to UMP back in the day."

I wish you well, honestly.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Courtney99 said:


> ....What is bothering me is our sexlife,which does not seem to exist if she is not intoxicated...
> 
> It has gotten to a point where *I also deny her* when she wants sex after going out with her friends or had a few glasses of wine.....
> 
> ...


You should understand that you have a serious relationship problem from what you posted. Unless she have been through years of therapy, she is going to adopt some behavior paterns she observed from her parents into her relationship with you.

My suggestion is that the two of you see a marriage counselor ASAP, use lots of birth control, and delay marriage until you both understand what is happening and if the two of you want to change things.

Good luck.


----------



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

1. Your attitude is waaaaaay tooooo casual aout a very serious issues
2. Do not get married until you both grow up and resolve this issue entirely
3. There is no reason to rush a marriage 
4. Planning marriage under the circumstances is utterly absurd
5. Fix it if it is fixable
6. Put a time schedule on this issue and stick to it
7. I wish you would drop here and find someone else but I get it


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Any abuse in her past? Sometimes abuse victims need alcohol to get past bad memories.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Let me join the pile-on and tell you to get out of this relationship if marriage is your goal.

I know, I know, she has great qualities and this is the _only_ problem you two have. 

10, 20, 30 years of sexual issues this large will wear you down. I guarantee it. I promise it. I'd wager a week's pay on it. You will one day grow to resent and possibly dislike this woman if you don't solve this to YOUR satisfaction before you walk down the aisle.

*This* is why I implore everyone to test drive his prospective mate before the wedding. So you can decide if you can live with this for the rest of your life, because that's what it's going to be.


----------



## Courtney99 (Jun 3, 2014)

Right,

First of all thanks for all the advice guys,it appears to be one common conclusion.That is to leave her and find someone else. Logically that would be perfect solution,it would make a lot of things easier,such as emigrating in the future and working the hours I want etc etc.

But that is my sweetheart and I love her.

So subsequently here is my POA, 

We need a good heart to heart,that is something we are very bad at and normally we dont communicate very well.It might just be that she does not understand my needs or that there is an underlying reason for our problem that I am not aware of. 

What I am going to include is a non aggresive warning that I do have needs and if our sex pattern does not change that i feel i cannot be in this relationship anymore.

I will be putting the engagement on hold for a few months to see how things progress.

If things do not progress well,it will be time for me to grow some balls and step out of a potential sticky situation.

As I am an engineer I know that all plans and goals must be:
1)Achievable
2)Measurable
3)have defined milestones and,
4)have a set date for completion

These are the principles I will follow to ensure that my decision is logical and not just going with my heart.

Sound like a good strategy?


----------



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Fair enough. 

I cant in good conscience say I wouldn't put money down on predictable epic failure 

Either way, all the best. You heard us out and you are a man with a plan. 


At least you are leaving open the possibility of not marrying this problem. 

No one here wants you to experience the misery many here have to.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

She will toe the line until your married and then all bets are off. You will have to always have your thumb on the back of her neck.

Get a prenup! You will need it!


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's one aspect of a relationship... The one aspect that makes it different than any other relationship you can ever have.

Why not just ask her this question. "Is it possible to have sex with each other when you are not drunk?". Don't have a heavy conversation but just make sure she knows you expect this to be part of your relationship equation... See her reaction either right then and there or afterwards.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

I'd keep the alcohol cabinet totally full or build a bar in my garage for us to hang out each night.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

As a daughter of an alcoholic - I can tell you, I've had to keep myself away from it completely as I seem to not be able to control myself around it.

That said, I agree with the others. At the VERY least you should postpone the engagement and have a very direct conversation with her. First, ask why she feels the need to drink every time you have sex. Depending on her answers and assuming she doesn't think you're a troll, allow some time for changes to take place. 

When I say allow some time, I don't mean 6 months or even a year. I mean like 2+ years before getting married AFTER the changes occur. 

Why? Because you don't want to be part of a bait and switch. It's easy for her to show interest for 6 months - a year, but to keep it up for a couple of years is a little more difficult. It would also help prove she is willing to fix troubles in the marriage.

Your concerns are serious. I understand you have been with her for along time, but take a look around this forum. There are mountains of men and women who had to leave their long term spouse/SO due to lack of intimacy. It's extremely important in a marriage/long term relationship. It may not seem like a huge deal now, but in 10 years, you're going to have a lot of resentment. 

Signing a marriage license doesn't transform your partner into what you want them to be. It doesn't guarantee changes of the things you are unhappy with before marriage. A lot of people marry thinking that their partner will just realize that their behavior is unsavory to the other spouse. Marriage does not work that way.


----------

