# Dealing with an obsession



## MadeOfMetal (19 d ago)

I decided to post this in the infidelity forum even though I haven't been unfaithful - once you get to the end of the post it should be pretty clear why.

I am happily married 22 years. What I'm dealing with is an intense obsession with another woman. I'm not choosing to be obsessed with this other woman - I don't WANT to be attracted to her, but I can't pretend I don't feel physical manifestations throughout my stomach, chest and arms when she walks into the room. She is so friggin beautiful. She has a CRAZY hot body and KNOWS it as evidenced by all the bikini pictures she plasters all over social media. It's not just her body - her eyes, her lips, her smile, her hair, her skin - she is sexy across the board. I'm not sure I've ever felt this intense a purely physical attraction to a woman - I felt an intense attraction to my wife, but I LOVED her in addition to finding her attractive.

Last month I watched the other woman kiss a man. I was consumed by jealousy for 2 days - it's like it lit an acid fire inside me.

Another complication is this other woman dresses like she knows exactly how hot she is - spandex shorts and haltertops, or just tight jeans and tight shirt, or low-neckline shirts and tight sweatpants, or wow, you should see her when she's going out to a club - she does herself up like a supermodel. When we have to be together for several hours at a time, it's next to impossible for me to resist every single temptation to "check her out". Sometimes I get caught looking, and it's friggin embarrassing.

The obvious answer might be "Just stay away from the other woman." I do that - I keep all interaction with her to an absolute minimum and I stay off her social media. But the problem is she's a big part of our lives (long story) and I can't avoid her all the time. She's such a big part of our lives that I see her almost every day usually 2 or 3 times a day, and sometimes we all spend time together, i.e. dinner or a concert or a movie.

One other thing I do to deal with it (which helps) is to remind myself that my wife is also a beautiful woman. I've been digging through pictures of when we first met, scanning them, and making a shrine. That DEFINITELY helps.

But basically, I want the reaction when I see this other woman to be the same reaction I have when I see my daughter or my niece - basically nothing. I'm sick of these obsessive, intrusive thoughts - they're disrupting my life and I want them gone.

I'll stop there. I know this isn't a forum full of professional psychologists but I'll appreciate any tips and tricks for appreciating the beautiful wonderful wife I have and stop obsessing about this other woman, or heck, I'd just like to hear from anyone else who's been in a similar situation.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MadeOfMetal said:


> I decided to post this in the infidelity forum even though I haven't been unfaithful - once you get to the end of the post it should be pretty clear why.
> 
> I am happily married 22 years. What I'm dealing with is an intense obsession with another woman. I'm not choosing to be obsessed with this other woman - I don't WANT to be attracted to her, but I can't pretend I don't feel physical manifestations throughout my stomach, chest and arms when she walks into the room. She is so friggin beautiful. She has a CRAZY hot body and KNOWS it as evidenced by all the bikini pictures she plasters all over social media. It's not just her body - her eyes, her lips, her smile, her hair, her skin - she is sexy across the board. I'm not sure I've ever felt this intense a purely physical attraction to a woman - I felt an intense attraction to my wife, but I LOVED her in addition to finding her attractive.
> 
> ...


You already know the right answer... You have to put distance between you and the OW, and you have to refocus your thoughts on your wife. That's a choice you can make. Hard, sure, for a minute. Right thing, yep.

There’s not a magic potion to make you stop thinking about someone else, you just have to do it. Consider what you will lose with your wife and family if your wife finds out, or sees you looking just a few too many times and a bit too long. How would that go over?

How would you feel if your wife had such a guy in her life? Someone she secretly desired, admired, lusted after like you are the OW?

You can be a slave to your thoughts, or you can control them. It's really up to you.

If you _really_ want to get some help, tell your wife. If she’s like most wives I know she will gladly put distance between you and OW. Or else release you to be with OW permanently.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What would happen if she hit on you? Would you cheat? Is there a chance you’ll initiate? You need to cut her out. Why can’t you? Is this your wife’s sister?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I'm guessing this woman is much much younger than you, and you see beautiful young women every day and don't obsess over them. So my amateur psychology take is, you think on a very minimal level there is a chance. Maybe she was nice to you once or twice? Us men will sieze onto the smallest signs and conjure something from nothing. 

You need to get it in your head that this woman would never see you that way. In fact she would probably be repulsed by your advances.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

MadeOfMetal said:


> I decided to post this in the infidelity forum even though I haven't been unfaithful - once you get to the end of the post it should be pretty clear why.
> 
> I am happily married 22 years. What I'm dealing with is an intense obsession with another woman. I'm not choosing to be obsessed with this other woman - I don't WANT to be attracted to her, but I can't pretend I don't feel physical manifestations throughout my stomach, chest and arms when she walks into the room. She is so friggin beautiful. She has a CRAZY hot body and KNOWS it as evidenced by all the bikini pictures she plasters all over social media. It's not just her body - her eyes, her lips, her smile, her hair, her skin - she is sexy across the board. I'm not sure I've ever felt this intense a purely physical attraction to a woman - I felt an intense attraction to my wife, but I LOVED her in addition to finding her attractive.
> 
> ...


What is your relationship with the OW? Is she a coworker, baby sitter, etc.? 

This is actually very simple. You must physically go no contact with her. I don't care what the situation is currently, but you have to make it that you never see her, talk to her, check her SM, nothing. No social contact at all. Is your marriage worth doing anything possible? If yes, then get away from her, even if it would be inconvenient, embarrassing, whatever.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Here’s a thought: if your wife found out she’d probably drop you. Think about that while fantasizing.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Get a grip, a man who can't control his obsession is a dangerous man indeed.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Wow, I don’t know what to say except for the fact that if the thought of losing absolutely everything over this hasn’t woke you the hell up I don’t know what will.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yep. So I want you to ask yourself. Do you want to be divorced? I want you to imagine your wife's face as you tell her you want to divorce and blow up your whole life of 22 years for a piece of ass. I want you to imagine telling your friends and family, your children about how beautiful this woman is how she is worth hurting your wife just cause she's pretty.

She's so pretty you will destroy lives....

Imagine that the fall out. If that doesn't help you with your obsession then you need to remove this woman from your lives. I don't care if she's your nanny or person renting a room in your house. I don't even care if she's your wive's niece. You need to remove her.

Also does she give any indication she actually wants you to drool over her? taht she would reciprocate in anyway? So you are blowing up your life for nothing?

Yes I realize you haven't said anything about blowing up your life. But guess what. You already are. By allowing these thoughts, by not taking action, by checking he out regular than you are blowing up your life. It will effect your feelings. It will effect your wife and it will effect your actions.

If you can't control your mind then control your environment and remove her. I don't let thoughts like these enter. Based on my time at TAM men have a harder time controlling their mind. IF I did I'd remove the person. NOTHING is worth my marriage. I love my husband. I love my husband more than ANYTHING else. There is not other person, job, money or thing worth even the smallest risk to my marriage.

So how ****ty is your marriage that you are willing to risk EVERYTHING?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MadeOfMetal said:


> I decided to post this in the infidelity forum even though I haven't been unfaithful - once you get to the end of the post it should be pretty clear why.
> 
> I am happily married 22 years. What I'm dealing with is an intense obsession with another woman. I'm not choosing to be obsessed with this other woman - I don't WANT to be attracted to her, but I can't pretend I don't feel physical manifestations throughout my stomach, chest and arms when she walks into the room. She is so friggin beautiful. She has a CRAZY hot body and KNOWS it as evidenced by all the bikini pictures she plasters all over social media. It's not just her body - her eyes, her lips, her smile, her hair, her skin - she is sexy across the board. I'm not sure I've ever felt this intense a purely physical attraction to a woman - I felt an intense attraction to my wife, but I LOVED her in addition to finding her attractive.
> 
> ...


Probably time to go talk to someone professional to get down to what this is really about? Are you heading for middle age? Are you bored? Most likely there is a lot more going on then a pretty women.

One thing I would say is part of the struggle with dealing with aging (and this can come at different times in people's life) is dealing with the fact that possible for the first time in your life you can't get what you want. Meaning there is NO possibility, even if realistically there wasn't a possibility before. 

So it could be that subconsciously your mind knows there is no chance with this women or other women in general, in this case at the very least because you are married but it could be the added factor of age. This may be the first time you have been in that situation, so your mind is learning to deal with that and your obsession is a part of it. The truth is you get used to that, and as you age you will have to get used to it because it becomes kind of a common theme.

This is a part of life, and you want to be mature enough to handle it with courage and do so gracefully. Acceptance is a part of the human condition and something that we all need to come to terms with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's hard to understand how you see her 3 times a day unless you work with her. 
Even a family member surely wouldn't be round that much? I am also amazed that your wife hasn't noticed the ogling you do. Most women would have. 

As others have said you need to stay right away. A woman like her dresses to get male attention period. She is dangerous and you are playing with fire.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell your wife. Do intense individual counseling - until YOU become completely neutral about this other woman.
Write out a list that includes all the areas these thoughts could harm your marriage.

and don’t fool yourself - being that much preoccupied with anyone or anything definitely affects your relationship with your wife.

mom sure she already wonders why you aren’t feeling “all in” lately.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

You likely don't want to state the nature of your relationship with this person because she is either a family member or a part of your family through marriage or child care. As others have said...imagine the aftermath if you were to act on your feelings. Imagine the aftermath if just even your desire for this person were found out. Imagine the humility you would go through in front of your children, your siblings, your wife. Imagine co-workers and friends knowing about this when you get outed by your wife. Imagine the devastation it would do to your wife's mental health, her self esteem and her way of life (the ending of your marriage). 

Go get some actual, real, in person help. Before you blow up your own life and the life of those around you. Betraying the people in your life with someone that is in your family or close to your family is a hell that is in it's own special box...it is so much worse than any other affair you could have.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

May gut says it’s your sil or neighbor


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

snowbum said:


> May gut says it’s your sil or neighbor


Even if it is, 3 times a day seems crazy.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My 2 cents. First you know it is not healthy and you need to be extremely careful. 

You have put together your shrine to your wife. It is good to remind yourself of how blessed you are to have your wife and family and not want to damage that.

Another thing you can do that might help is ask why is incredible beauty isn't engaged, married or off the market? I think that the answer might be she has some significant fault, a fault that you are not paying attention to. Even if you don't know what it is or look for it, tell yourself that she looks great on the outside, but there must be some serious flaws on the inside for such a hot woman to not be happily married. Viewing her as someone with scary secrete flaws may help you keep your emotions in check.

Find ways to strengthen your love for your wife. Tell yourself how much you love your wife and how luck you are to have her and the family she has given you. Focus on what you have not what you might want.

Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MadeOfMetal said:


> I'm sick of these obsessive, intrusive thoughts - they're disrupting my life and I want them gone.
> 
> I'll stop there. I know this isn't a forum full of professional psychologists


You kind of said it all right there. If this is an unwanted, obsessive and intrusive this that is disrupting your life and has great potential to cause serious problems, you should seek the assistance of professionals.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Why so secretive about who this person is to you? I’m wondering if this is a stepdaughter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

snowbum said:


> May gut says it’s your sil or neighbor


My bet is it’s is one of his daughter's best friends or son's GF.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> My bet is one is one of his daughter's best friends or son's GF.


Oh yeah. Good thoughts. It’s definitely someone young that makes him creepy lol.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Sad, sad, sad... if she is such a godess, then you have to marry her.
If she gets run ovef by a truck and ends up sitting in a wheel chair, gaining 100 pounds and having only one eye left, would you still stare at her and be obsessed?
No.

Acknowledging someone as being attractive, OK. but getting obsessed is bad and now you have to hide it from your wife forever.

Let's hope your wife never finds out.

I am not judging you. You are just an example why most men can't really love.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

elliblue said:


> Sad, sad, sad... if she is such a godess, then you have to marry her.
> If she gets run ovef by a truck and ends up sitting in a wheel chair, gaining 100 pounds and having only one eye left, would you still stare at her and be obsessed?
> No.
> 
> ...


women have similar things happen as well.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I feel so sorry for your wife.

If you don't have a brain tumor or something causing this ****ed up of an obsession, please divorce your wife for her benefit. No one should have to be married to someone this obsessed with another. That's ******** and it sucks ass.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

How did you happen to watch the OW kissing another guy?

mite not fair to your wife - this is as much an affair as anyone seeing someone outside the marriage.

if YOU can’t control your “feelings” then divorce your wife - she deserves better than the way you are treating her by being ever vigilant about this OW.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Is it your wife’s sister?

Your brother’s wife?

Or something even worse, given she’s in your space regularly. 

I must say, your descriptions and detail regarding the lady’s attire is… wonderful. You Do know your fabrics and cuts!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OP, while I don't think you'll listen. I have known two people that have ruined their lives over a crush, or what I call a one way EA. They become so obsessed with someone that isn't aware, and ultimately ruin their marriage. They long for their crush, and even start to mistreat their spouse because they are comparing them to their crush in their heads. One guy was so deluded, he literally asked his wife for divorce and reached out to his crush to confess his love. She had no idea, and his wife didn't take him back. The other was a female employee that became so obsessed with a male colleague that her marriage fell apart. He also had no clue how she felt. Don't throw your life away over middle school tinglies. Thats all they are.


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## MadeOfMetal (19 d ago)

First things first, THANK YOU to everybody who took the time to respond - I was NOT expecting this many responses. It's going to take some time to sort through them all, but I wanted to make SURE I express my appreciation.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

MadeOfMetal said:


> First things first, THANK YOU to everybody who took the time to respond - I was NOT expecting this many responses. It's going to take some time to sort through them all, but I wanted to make SURE I express my appreciation.


Why aren’t you telling us who this person is to you? I mean, you’re very specifically not telling us.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"Sometimes I get caught looking, and it's friggin embarrassing".

So more than likely your wife has seen you lusting after this woman as well.

And yes you are "choosing" to lust after her and "obsessing" over her. You're a grown @$$ man for crying out loud. You control what you think about and what you do and you are "choosing" to do this.

What ever you feed will grow and you're certainly feeding this.

Add lust to the evil below.


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## MadeOfMetal (19 d ago)

Here are my first few thoughts after reading and considering the responses:

First things first: Let's not lose sight of the endgame. I want to get to the point where I feel the same thing when I look at this other woman that I feel when I look at basically every other woman on the planet besides her and my wife: nothing. Conversations like these tend to go all over the place, but this the goal: ELIMINATE these intrusive, destructive, dangerous thoughts. If that's not possible, at least get them under control so I can focus more on my wife and daughter.

Now, in no particular order:

1. I would prefer not to reveal who exactly the other woman is yet because on other forums I've gotten unfairly bashed and insulted, and also, a woman is a woman so who it is really shouldn't matter. All I will say at this point is a lot of your guesses are very close. Okay, I'll add on that it's not a blood relative .

2. Again, I don't want to reveal more details yet, but completely removing the other woman from my life is NOT an option. Just trust me on that, take that off of the list of options, it's not going to happen. Seeing her almost every day and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day is my reality. Getting these thoughts/feelings under control is my ONLY option.

3. Even if shutting her out of my life was an option, I wouldn't be sure it was the CORRECT option. What if ANOTHER woman comes into our lives who I feel this way about? What am I going to do, shut out every woman from my life (and my wife's and my daughter's) I feel attracted to? I feel like this is the sort of problem I need to learn how to SOLVE, not run away from.

4. The wife DID notice the ogling and made it very very clear it was seriously making her very mad. That was several months ago and she's never brought it up again. She is the type of person who says absolutely everything on her mind - take it to the bank, if I were still ogling too often she would still be telling me. So I MUST be doing a better job of getting it under control at least on the outside.

5. I _have_ had professional help, both for this problem and for a few other problems I've had. I've had to take a break because it was taking up too much of my time and getting too expensive. He worked with me on reframing a lot of these thoughts, i.e. reframe "she's a sexy hotbody" to "she's an attractive woman". He also encourages me to focus my energies elsewhere, i.e. if not simply onto my wife and daughter, onto my job, or onto my hobbies - just keep my mind occupied, focused and PRODUCTIVE so there are less chances for the obsessive thoughts to take hold. 

The last thing I'll say is that just posting on a messageboard like this really, really helps me because it helps me vent. I cannot discuss this subject with ANYONE other than my therapist who I won't be able to see for another couple months at least, and this helps me to at LEAST get this out of my head.

I'll stop there for now - there were a few other questions I haven't answered yet and I will get to those, I just don't want to inundate the thread .

Thanks again everyone.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Guessing it’s your wife’s sister or brothers wife. So wrong. If my husband were obsessed with my sister he could have her. So gross. The fact you got **** for it o. Other sites mean it’s been going on along time and inappropriate. Your wife’s not cool with it so grow the hell up.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

How about imagining how you’d feel if your wife were obsessed with wanting to bang a guy you know or spending alone time getting her jollies picturing said guy? This has got to stop. Your wife will walk ic you don’t and she’s probably done talking about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If your wife is well aware of the way you see this other woman I can't understand why she doesn't a) stop inviting her round to the house every day and sometimes 3 times a day and b) have a strong word with her about the way she dresses around you all. It's completely inappropriate.
It's just bizarre. Unless she is a step daughter who actually lives in your house, there is absolutely no reason on earth why your can't agree with your wife to make her visits rare or for your wife to see her elsewhere. I don't know a single family where they have other people round every day or more.
Plus you do not need to socialise with her either. Your wife needs to put her foot down with both of you but she seems to be ok with just letting it all carry on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Guessing it’s your wife’s sister or brothers wife. So wrong. If my husband were obsessed with my sister he could have her. So gross. The fact you got **** for it o. Other sites mean it’s been going on along time and inappropriate. Your wife’s not cool with it so grow the hell up.


It may actually be his daughter…


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> It may actually be his daughter…


That would be F’d up


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> It may actually be his daughter…


He said not blood relative, but sounds like it very likely is a step-daughter.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I'm going to take a different view on this. I could actually see this happening to me, unfortunately. Some of us are just so taken by beauty it's uncontrollable. Once in awhile, there is a certain person that just ticks all the boxes and you are completely imprisoned by it. Thankfully, I haven't had this happen to me with anyone in my life - just an occasional celebrity or something, but if this did occur with a real person in my life, it would be torture.

What works for people sometimes is to find a flaw that breaks the perfection. A personality trait, something that they like that you hate, an annoying habit, something like that. And then FOCUS on that, a lot. Associate the person with that flaw as much as possible - it's a turn off and should work


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> He said not blood relative, but sounds like it very likely is a step-daughter.


possibly his daughter’s friend then…


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gabriel said:


> I'm going to take a different view on this. I could actually see this happening to me, unfortunately. Some of us are just so taken by beauty it's uncontrollable. Once in awhile, there is a certain person that just ticks all the boxes and you are completely imprisoned by it. Thankfully, I haven't had this happen to me with anyone in my life - just an occasional celebrity or something, but if this did occur with a real person in my life, it would be torture.
> 
> What works for people sometimes is to find a flaw that breaks the perfection. A personality trait, something that they like that you hate, an annoying habit, something like that. And then FOCUS on that, a lot. Associate the person with that flaw as much as possible - it's a turn off and should work


this girl may be very pretty but what is going on with him is some kind of mental health event. It could still happen even if the other person was butt-ugly.

This is not a beauty related thing directly but rather a psych thing.

so unfortunately the OP himself is current in that even if he were physically separate himself from this person, without treatment, he would just become obsessed with someone else.

The answer her to get professional mental health treatment. 

This is an obcessive disorder and not really an attraction thing in the classic sense.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> this girl may be very pretty but what is going on with him is some kind of mental health event. It could still happen even if the other person was butt-ugly.
> 
> This is not a beauty related thing directly but rather a psych thing.
> 
> ...


How do you know it's not a beauty thing? He went on and on about his obsession - and it was all about her looks and body.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Gabriel said:


> I'm going to take a different view on this. I could actually see this happening to me, unfortunately. Some of us are just so taken by beauty it's uncontrollable. Once in awhile, there is a certain person that just ticks all the boxes and you are completely imprisoned by it. Thankfully, I haven't had this happen to me with anyone in my life - just an occasional celebrity or something, but if this did occur with a real person in my life, it would be torture.
> 
> What works for people sometimes is to find a flaw that breaks the perfection. A personality trait, something that they like that you hate, an annoying habit, something like that. And then FOCUS on that, a lot. Associate the person with that flaw as much as possible - it's a turn off and should work



I was thinking of something similar earlier. She just a person, just another pretty face in a sea of thousands of pretty faces and we all know a pretty face doesn't mean jack in the bigger picture. The fact that he hasn't been able to look at it from this perspective is what's disturbing and has me thinking there's more to this. I'm wondering if there are other obsessive behaviors involved. He does go so far as mentioning he's worried this may happen again with another woman in his last post. I think there's more to this story.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MadeOfMetal said:


> 5. I _have_ had professional help, both for this problem and for a few other problems I've had. I've had to take a break because it was taking up too much of my time and getting too expensive.


you can’t afford to NOT to be actively getting professional help.

This can easily get out of control and end in disaster where you lose your marriage and your relationship with this family and perhaps even end up in serious legal trouble or even jail depending on the age of this girl or if you do anything against her consent regardless of age.

as far as time, you can spend your time getting professional help or you can spend your time obcessing more and more and increasing your chances of this blowing up in your face.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gabriel said:


> How do you know it's not a beauty thing? He went on and on about his obsession - and it was all about her looks and body.


That’s what obsessive and intrusive thoughts do.

I’m not saying this person is not pretty, she may truly be beautiful.

But what I am saying is when people get these obsessive thought patterns, their minds make them end-all-be-all attractive and beautiful to them.

she may be objectively ugly by societal standards but he could still be plagued by obsessive thoughts.

the reason that pointing out actual physical flaws to someone with this affliction is often ineffective is to the person suffering this affliction, they see no flaws and to them the other person is perfect and without flaw.

this is a mental health issue and not a product of this person’s actual appearance.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it's a nanny or babysitter or neighbor.

Either way, it IS a mental health event in that it's not normal at all, even if he were a single man. 

I also still think he should divorce his wife. No one should have to be married to someone so obsessed with another.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

If you re-read the OP there are other hints at a mental imbalance. The fact that he reacted so strongly to her kissing another man, like an acid fire inside him? 

No offense OP but that is stalker-ish. I, for one, am glad to see you recognize there is a problem and are reaching out for help.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Most people can get their “feelings” in check. Since you’ve become obsessive about those feelings - you really need to continue with intensive therapy - at least once a week - no matter how much money it costs. Skimp on something else in your life. The therapy will need to be long term for best results.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I also still think he should divorce his wife. No one should have to be married to someone so obsessed with another.


We do need to differentiate between falling in love with someone vs have some kind of mental health event.

so far he knows his thought process is out of whack and he has been working hard to to maintain appropriate behavior and keep his hands to himself.

this may be part of an OCD spectrum and having compulsive and intrusive thoughts like the people that wash their hands 1,000 times a day or stop and look under the car every block or two to make sure they didn’t run over somebody.

He’s not in love with the other person and does not want to leave his wife and family to be with the other person, he has a disordered thought process which can be treated with proper therapy and medication. 

He needs to aggressively seek treatment if he wants to keep this from blowing his marriage and family. But at the moment at least, this is not a case of infidelity or wanting to actually be with someone else.

he needs aggressive treatment soon before it does become some kind of psychosis to where he does believe that he is having some kind relationship with the other person.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

MadeOfMetal said:


> But basically, I want the reaction when I see this other woman to be the same reaction I have when I see my daughter or my niece - basically nothing. I'm sick of these obsessive, intrusive thoughts - they're disrupting my life and I want them gone.





Beach123 said:


> It may actually be his daughter…


Not his daughter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> It may actually be his daughter…


He said it's not a blood relative.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> you can’t afford to NOT to be actively getting professional help.
> 
> This can easily get out of control and end in disaster where you lose your marriage and your relationship with this family and perhaps even end up in serious legal trouble or even jail depending on the age of this girl or if you do anything against her consent regardless of age.
> 
> as far as time, you can spend your time getting professional help or you can spend your time obcessing more and more and increasing your chances of this blowing up in your face.


He has been getting help though as he said.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Not said:


> If you re-read the OP there are other hints at a mental imbalance. The fact that he reacted so strongly to her kissing another man, like an acid fire inside him?
> 
> No offense OP but that is stalker-ish. I, for one, am glad to see you recognize there is a problem and are reaching out for help.


Jealousy is what caused that feeling.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op it's highly likely the lady in question is well aware of the effect she has on you and likes it. Some women adore the control they have on some men by how they dress and act. She dresses provocatively so isn't trying to help you. 

I do think it's important to know who this is because unless it's a step daughter living with you or maybe your sons partner who lives in your house there is no reason why you can't avoid seeing her.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The guy is trying like heck to quit his obsession. There's not much else he can do but think of his wife and the disaster that will occur if he lets this go to
any other level. Once upon a time, in my youth, I had an unhealthy obsession with a Hollywood starlet (remember the song "hey soul sister"). 
I got over it, although I still had a crush on her years later. Not quite the same thing, a celebrity vs a real woman, but still. How did I get over this obsession?
Just time, that's all.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> The guy is trying like heck to quit his obsession. There's not much else he can do but think of his wife and the disaster that will occur if he lets this go to
> any other level. Once upon a time, in my youth, I had an unhealthy obsession with a Hollywood starlet (remember the song "hey soul sister").
> I got over it, although I still had a crush on her years later. Not quite the same thing, a celebrity vs a real woman, but still. How did I get over this obsession?
> Just time, that's all.


Obsessive and unlwelcomed intrusive thoughts are not a crush. 

Time will probably not fix this and it is more likely that it will get worse if not treated.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Op it's highly likely the lady in question is well aware of the effect she has on you and likes it. Some women adore the control they have on some men by how they dress and act. She dresses provocatively so isn't trying to help you.
> 
> I do think it's important to know who this is because unless it's a step daughter living with you or maybe your sons partner who lives in your house there is no reason why you can't avoid seeing her.


Possible but not necessarily.

She may legitimately be completely unaware or if she has noticed him noticing her, it’s a greater likelihood that she is creeped out by it.

When you read the OP’s description of what’s going on in his head, this is not a garden variety attraction or crush or any kind of budding friendship or interactive attraction between and man and a woman. 

This is probably some kind of mental health issue on his part.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Possible but not necessarily.
> 
> She may legitimately be completely unaware or if she has noticed him noticing her, it’s a greater likelihood that she is creeped out by it.
> 
> ...


Unless she is extremely young and naive she will know. Apparently she is an adult so her being very young and naive isn't an explanation. 

OP, you have been married 22 years and presumably with your wife a while before that, has this sort of thing ever happened before?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MadeOfMetal said:


> Here are my first few thoughts after reading and considering the responses:
> 
> First things first: Let's not lose sight of the endgame. * I want to get to the point where I feel the same thing when I look at this other woman that I feel when I look at basically every other woman on the planet besides her and my wife: nothing.*
> 
> ...


A few suggestions. I have used affirmations and self-hypnosis to change both my eating habits and my anger at my wife, while in a sex starved marriage. I suggest that you also use them to help yourself gain more control over your obsession. One of the "loose weight" courses I had had a lesson on avoiding fast food or junk food. The idea was to whenever you see or think about say a hamburger and fries, that instead you develop a mental picture of something really disgusting in your mind and tell yourself that what you really want is a piece of fruit and a large glass of water.

Another poster suggested you focus on some flaw in your crush. That is a great suggestion.

Your marriage has a problem, your wife knows how you feel and is angry about it. One of the things that many don't recognize is that after a few decades of marriage, your spouse can finish your sentences for you. They can even understand what you are thinking from your tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. Your wife probably knows far more about your feelings than you do and you really can't hide them from her at this point. So you have to both change your feelings and work on rebuilding the trust in your marriage. From your wife's perspective this is probably close to an Emotional Affair. 

That is going to require change on your part and actively rebuilding your marriage. If I were in your shoes, I would again seek help from a therapist. Have them help you focus on "reframing" your view of this "woman" and how inappropriate it is and how disrespectful it is to your wife.

Good luck. And take the advice of imagining and focusing on some real or imagined flaws in this hottie.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Unfairly bashed and insulted? 

Why do you use the word ‘unfairly’.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Maybe you need to envision what it would do to your wife if she knew you were having these thoughts. Then think about how crushed she would be if you took it a step further? Maybe that will help.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m not sure he’s going to fix this, this goes in the same basket as hoarders. In the end some of them die in piles of rubbish. 

It’s unfortunate that they make families and live with people. (How many addicts/obsessives can even make a decision to actually choose to leave and properly live out their lives alone. You cannot rationalise with them.)

You just can’t tell some people, not even in professional settings, anything of substance really. 

Your wife can see it clearly, what has your daughter said? (Everyone else knows too). 

Your brother? Your parents?


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

MadeOfMetal said:


> Here are my first few thoughts after reading and considering the responses:
> 
> First things first: Let's not lose sight of the endgame. I want to get to the point where I feel the same thing when I look at this other woman that I feel when I look at basically every other woman on the planet besides her and my wife: nothing. Conversations like these tend to go all over the place, but this the goal: ELIMINATE these intrusive, destructive, dangerous thoughts. If that's not possible, at least get them under control so I can focus more on my wife and daughter.
> 
> ...


Let me start this off by saying... I likely have the most experience on this forum of being on the receiving end of what you are dishing out to your wife. I don't usually post many of my details in the more public part of this forum (although I have occasionally). You can become a Premium Member, and read my thread in the Private Section if you like. But I will say, my husband put me through what you are getting ready to put your family through.

1. You say it doesn't really matter who it is, a woman is a woman. But I can tell you, it absolutely matters who it is. If it were a Vegas hooker....you are not faced with dealing with that person on a day to day basis. BUT when start having the hots for a person that is intrinsically involved in your family in some way, you can never get away from the pain and hurt you are potentially going to cause. Christmas's, birthday's, weddings, none of them will ever be the same for anyone involved. 

2. Getting this person out of your life is not an option. So you need to start imagining the absolute dumpster fire your life is going to be when your obsession comes to light (and it will.) 

3. If you think your are going to have obsessive thoughts over yet another woman....then you need to have a serious talk with yourself that you are not marriage material and that you are literally wasting your wife's time. Does she not deserve to be in a relationship with someone that desires her and her alone?

4. How disgusting that you are going to let the responsibility of regulating yourself lie on your wife's unassuming shoulders? She hasn't said anything else so your oogling must not be THAT BAD?! You should not be okay with any at all!

5. Therapy is expensive and takes a lot of your time. Funny, somehow in saying this, you have stated what 'value' you place on not destroying your wife's life and self esteem. 

I have been through what you are getting ready to put your wife through. It's ugly and terrible and gut wrenching, and hits differently than all other types of affairs. Even if nothing ever happens except someone discovering your obsession, the damage will be immense.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s the wife’s sister, daughter’s friend or brother’s wife. The fact that he won’t mention who, because he will be ‘unfairly’ attacked makes this man dangerous.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

OP , does this woman have any idea that you feel this way about her ?

How much 1 on 1 interaction have you had with her ?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

MadeOfMetal, you came here seeking advice, so why not shoot straight and say who this woman is and how you know her? Who cares if you'll take some heat from strangers on the internet for revealing who she is. It certainly will help in regards to the advice that could be given to potentially help you deal with this.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Well since we're playing the guessing game, he said it isn't a blood relative, which implies it IS a relative. So options are, SIL, step daughter (god I hope not).

I'm going to take another leap of logic here, I think the reason he is obsessed is because A they had a moment, (from his perspective) or B, he accidentally saw her naked. 

I'm going with B, there's nothing that stirs a man's libido than catching a glimpse of the forbidden fruit. 

Anyway I doubt we'll get the truth, but OP, this will pass if you just get on with your life. I know your in midlife territory here, but I'm willing to bet you were never particularly successful with women. Men who see the dating pool as one of abundance never obsess over women because they believe on a sub conscious level that someone equally as hot is just around the corner. 

This is why @oldshirt thinks you're mental, he was a player and just can't understand why you're feeling this way 😉


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## MadeOfMetal (19 d ago)

Really quickly, I wish a lot of you would consider being a little more COMPASSIONATE in your responses. When someone is obviously struggling and clearly reaching out for help, the WORST THING YOU CAN DO is start bashing and shaming that person. Do you know how much courage it takes for someone to admit to THEMSELVES that they have a problem, much less to a therapist or friends or family? Do you know how HARD it is for some people to get the professional help that they need because people they love (I know y'all don't love me I'm just making a point) are telling them, you're just weak, you're just financially subsidizing the pharmaceutical industry, or you're just a bad person and you just need to snap your fingers and choose to quit? Please people, don't make it WORSE. People who need professional help but are too ashamed to get it end up like Robin Williams.

To those of you who are giving me productive, specific and actionable responses, thank you once again. I am reading and considering ALL of them and will respond once more with another detailed post when I have time.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I will try not to be too judgemental. You have a serious issue going on here and seem genuine about wanting help.




MadeOfMetal said:


> 1. I would prefer not to reveal who exactly the other woman is yet because on other forums I've gotten unfairly bashed and insulted, and also, a woman is a woman so who it is really shouldn't matter. All I will say at this point is a lot of your guesses are very close. Okay, I'll add on that it's not a blood relative .


You are probably better off revealing who it is, otherwise everyone will just keep speculating and detracting from the main issue, attraction for another woman. We all now it has to be someone close like your child's SO or an in-law, someone that would be forbidden or taboo.



MadeOfMetal said:


> 2. Again, I don't want to reveal more details yet, but completely removing the other woman from my life is NOT an option. Just trust me on that, take that off of the list of options, it's not going to happen. Seeing her almost every day and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day is my reality. Getting these thoughts/feelings under control is my ONLY option.


Again, revealing who it is may yield better advice on avoidance of her, which really is the best/fastest way to get over this. You may THINK it is not possible, but that is what getting other perspectives and opinions is all about. Finding something you had not thought of.



MadeOfMetal said:


> 3. Even if shutting her out of my life was an option, I wouldn't be sure it was the CORRECT option. What if ANOTHER woman comes into our lives who I feel this way about? What am I going to do, shut out every woman from my life (and my wife's and my daughter's) I feel attracted to? I feel like this is the sort of problem I need to learn how to SOLVE, not run away from.


So two lines of thought come to me on this one. You are right, it could happen with another woman. To me that would mean you are not cut out for a committed relationship and it may be best to make that a reality. The other option is to seek help about why you can't commit and stay focused on one woman and will stray to sexual thoughts about a forbidden person, like a woman married to your son.



MadeOfMetal said:


> 4. The wife DID notice the ogling and made it very very clear it was seriously making her very mad. That was several months ago and she's never brought it up again. She is the type of person who says absolutely everything on her mind - take it to the bank, if I were still ogling too often she would still be telling me. So I MUST be doing a better job of getting it under control at least on the outside.


Glad to hear that you can at least contain your outward reaction to this person. Maybe at least a small sign of hope.



MadeOfMetal said:


> 5. I _have_ had professional help, both for this problem and for a few other problems I've had. I've had to take a break because it was taking up too much of my time and getting too expensive. He worked with me on reframing a lot of these thoughts, i.e. reframe "she's a sexy hotbody" to "she's an attractive woman". He also encourages me to focus my energies elsewhere, i.e. if not simply onto my wife and daughter, onto my job, or onto my hobbies - just keep my mind occupied, focused and PRODUCTIVE so there are less chances for the obsessive thoughts to take hold.


It may be time consuming and costly, but think about what is at stake. How much is your marriage and family worth? I know I would go to the ends of the world to save mine. If you aren't getting the results you want maybe look for a different therapist.

Just some practical advice. You can't force your mind to not think about her. As soon as you try not to think about someone/something, that is exactly what pops into your mind. You need to learn to let the intrusive thoughts just flow through you. They are going to happen, but just let them pass without getting angry or frustrated with yourself. Have you tried any kind of mindfulness exercises? They can be helpful in dealing with intrusive thoughts.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OP, I don't doubt that you feel anguish and anxiety about this. But if you're suicidal you need to tell your wife, or even drive to the hospital and check yourself in if you're thinking of hurting yourself. With that said the reason people keep telling you the same thing is because it's what you need to do. There really isn't any way to sugar coat it. No one can give you step by step guide out of this. You have to do it yourself. If you don't, the problem will resolve itself on its own. Most likely resulting in your embarrassment and shame, and perhaps the loss of personal relationships. 

I do have one question OP. Does your attraction to this girl make you regret that you married your wife? In other words is this a "Jesse's Girl" situation. I can't help but think its this scenario because I would imagine you see beautiful women everyday. However, some men (especially when in mid-life crisis) start freaking out when a male friend/relative that they view as similar to them land a smoking hot woman that they think they don't deserve. They get a real bad case of the coulda/woulda/shoulda been me feelings.


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## MadeOfMetal (19 d ago)

The other woman is my wife's niece (which makes her MY niece as well), who we hired to be our special-needs daughter's live-in nanny. That's why avoiding her is not always an option - SHE LIVES IN MY FRIGGIN HOUSE. Getting rid of her is not an option for two reasons: One, I don't know how many of you have had to look for professional care for a loved one, whether it be a special-needs child or an elderly parent or grandparent, but you would not believe how many ugly ducklings you have to go through before you find a swan. My niece absolutely walks on water as a live-in nanny - she has a work ethic and maturity that bely her age (she's only 18), she GENUINELY LOVES her cousin, and not only helps with her, but helps with cleaning the house and doing the dishes and other chores - A LOT - and never complains. When you find that, YOU DON'T GET RID OF IT - PERIOD. Trust me. Two, my wife is not stupid or blind - if I tried to get rid of my niece for any baloney reason she would see right through it - "You want to get rid of the best thing that's ever happened to our daughter because you can't control your lust for an 18-year-old?!?!?!? Bleep you you bleeping bleephole!" she'd say, and I wouldn't blame her a bit.

Her age was the main reason I didn't want to reveal it any earlier - other posters just fixated on that one number and went straight to "oh my god dude she's a CHILD, you're SICK, it's SO INAPPROPRIATE for a 50-year-old to have a crush on an 18-year-old" blah blah blah so all I got were insults. I had no opportunity to get any PRACTICAL advice. You people have to believe me - the kid may only be 18, but she has a body that any 32-year-old professional model would pay money to a surgeon for, and as I've said in other posts, it's not just her body - her hair, her eyes, her lips, her skin, her smile - her natural beauty compares to any woman on the planet at any age.

For the record, the guy she kissed looked like he was about 35. My wife and her friends were all right there when it happened, too (it was at a dance party), and none of them seemed to have a problem with it. So it's not just me who feels like her beauty is beyond her age.

My niece has been treating me like I don't exist from the day I met her. I tried being nice to her, talking to her, getting to know her, in the hopes that the ice would melt just so we can have an uncle/niece relationship, but I got to a point where I was tired of her constant cold attitudes and started treating her the same way she treats me. We really don't speak or interact at all unless it's absolutely necessary, and frankly, it's probably better that way for everybody. My mom and my wife both love her and are very happy to have her in their lives.

She has re-upped her contract with us TWICE. Her first contract was for last summer. Then we gave her a new contract for the fall. Then we gave her a new one for the first half of 2023. She whole-heartedly, unhesitatingly accepted all three. So, either she's used to being around creepy older men, or I don't creep her out as much I'm making it sound, or she knows this is a PHENOMENAL financial opportunity for her and isn't going to let some 50-year-old horndog screw it up for her. Frankly, it's probably some combination of all of the above.

I've tried mindfulness exercises, but so far I haven't been able to commit time to practice - between my full-time job, taking care of a special-needs child, working out to keep my body in shape, and committing to the relationship with the wife, it's hard to add one more regular responsibility to the list. Not making excuses, from what I know about mindfulness, I _do_ believe it would help me in _several_ areas of my life, I just need to commit to practicing it.

I'll stop there for now. Going forward, I definitely plan to go back to my therapist, I definitely plan to continue focusing on how lucky I am to have my wife and my daughter (and for the record, my wife is a beautiful, wonderful woman and a WARRIOR for our special-needs daughter - the fact that I'm MARRIED to her and even THINK about other women is evidence that there's DEFINITELY something wrong with ME that I need FIX - NOW!!!!!), and I definitely plan to continue basically staying away from my niece as much as possible, and that INCLUDES keeping my eyes off of her. I will re-iterate one thing - just posting on this forum has already tangibly lessened the obsessive thoughts simply by giving me an outlet to vent. Hopefully with time, practice and effort, I'll eventually see my niece as just another human being on the planet.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MadeOfMetal said:


> Really quickly, I wish a lot of you would consider being a little more COMPASSIONATE in your responses. When someone is obviously struggling and clearly reaching out for help, the WORST THING YOU CAN DO is start bashing and shaming that person. Do you know how much courage it takes for someone to admit to THEMSELVES that they have a problem, much less to a therapist or friends or family? Do you know how HARD it is for some people to get the professional help that they need because people they love (I know y'all don't love me I'm just making a point) are telling them, you're just weak, you're just financially subsidizing the pharmaceutical industry, or you're just a bad person and you just need to snap your fingers and choose to quit? Please people, don't make it WORSE. People who need professional help but are too ashamed to get it end up like Robin Williams.
> 
> To those of you who are giving me productive, specific and actionable responses, thank you once again. I am reading and considering ALL of them and will respond once more with another detailed post when I have time.


Please answer some of the questions. Such as has this type of thing ever happened to you before? You have had a long marriage, 22 years, so have you had a similar obsession about a woman like this in the past? If you haven't then I am not sure why you are concerned it may happen again after this particular time. 

I think you need to open up to your wife much more about it and how you are struggling. Then you can plan together how it can be dealt with.There are always ways of cutting contact right down unless it's a person who actually lives there. She could talk to the person and ask her to dress less provocatively at the very least. Make sure she isn't always at your house. As I said unless she lives there there is no reason why you need to see her every day and sometimes more. 
Another question. Does the woman know the effect she is having on you? 
Is she in a relationship? 
Maybe if you were more forthcoming here you may get more focused help.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

you are 32 years older than her and although not blood it’s borderline incest in theory. Tell your wife. You can find caregivers. They are out there. I know people with very special need kids and you can get different caregivers. Tell your wife you want to bang her niece. She’ll find someone else real fast. You do need help. Perhaps intensive. This is deeply concerning.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MadeOfMetal said:


> The other woman is my wife's niece (which makes her MY niece as well), who we hired to be our special-needs daughter's live-in nanny. That's why avoiding her is not always an option - SHE LIVES IN MY FRIGGIN HOUSE. Getting rid of her is not an option for two reasons: One, I don't know how many of you have had to look for professional care for a loved one, whether it be a special-needs child or an elderly parent or grandparent, but you would not believe how many ugly ducklings you have to go through before you find a swan. My niece absolutely walks on water as a live-in nanny - she has a work ethic and maturity that bely her age (she's only 18), she GENUINELY LOVES her cousin, and not only helps with her, but helps with cleaning the house and doing the dishes and other chores - A LOT - and never complains. When you find that, YOU DON'T GET RID OF IT - PERIOD. Trust me. Two, my wife is not stupid or blind - if I tried to get rid of my niece for any baloney reason she would see right through it - "You want to get rid of the best thing that's ever happened to our daughter because you can't control your lust for an 18-year-old?!?!?!? Bleep you you bleeping bleephole!" she'd say, and I wouldn't blame her a bit.
> 
> Her age was the main reason I didn't want to reveal it any earlier - other posters just fixated on that one number and went straight to "oh my god dude she's a CHILD, you're SICK, it's SO INAPPROPRIATE for a 50-year-old to have a crush on an 18-year-old" blah blah blah so all I got were insults. I had no opportunity to get any PRACTICAL advice. You people have to believe me - the kid may only be 18, but she has a body that any 32-year-old professional model would pay money to a surgeon for, and as I've said in other posts, it's not just her body - her hair, her eyes, her lips, her skin, her smile - her natural beauty compares to any woman on the planet at any age.
> 
> ...


Her coldness may be because she knows how you see her? 
She senses that and it's not what she wants. 
I am sure she is beautiful to you, but an obsession like yours is way being just attracted to her looks. They are many attractive people around but you have focused only on her.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

MadeOfMetal said:


> Really quickly, I wish a lot of you would consider being a little more COMPASSIONATE in your responses. When someone is obviously struggling and clearly reaching out for help, the WORST THING YOU CAN DO is start bashing and shaming that person. Do you know how much courage it takes for someone to admit to THEMSELVES that they have a problem, much less to a therapist or friends or family? Do you know how HARD it is for some people to get the professional help that they need because people they love (I know y'all don't love me I'm just making a point) are telling them, you're just weak, you're just financially subsidizing the pharmaceutical industry, or you're just a bad person and you just need to snap your fingers and choose to quit? Please people, don't make it WORSE. People who need professional help but are too ashamed to get it end up like Robin Williams.
> 
> To those of you who are giving me productive, specific and actionable responses, thank you once again. I am reading and considering ALL of them and will respond once more with another detailed post when I have time.


It's a lot, to come on a forum like this, and to open yourself up to the opinions of others. In my case...my posts are not coming from a place of hatred or disdain or disgust even....it's ALARM. And you should be alarmed as well, because you are definitely in a "Danger Will Rogers" kinda space right now. You are teetering on an edge that I wish my husband had not stepped over. 

I don't like to talk about what he did in the more public forum, because I also receive a good deal of backlash and disdain from his actions and my decision in dealing with them, but I think you need to hear someone else say they have also been in this situation. My husband cheated with the mother of our grandchild...our daughter in law.

We are still together, through what many here would say is my own stupidity. That is what you are exposing your wife to through not getting this obsession out of your head. You really need to start immersing yourself into what situations would look like if your obsession came to fruition or just simply discovered. 

Imagine trying to keep your family together after they find out. 
Imagine forcing your wife to feel the betrayal of not just one person in her life, but two if the OW decided to make it reciprocal.
Imagine family gatherings, where your wife has to be in the same space as you and the OW.
Imagine making your wife deal with continued contact with the OW for the rest of her life.
Imagine your wife even attempting to make it work after finding out. She will suffer the regular issues of being married to a cheater, on top of the stigma of taking someone back that cheated SO egregiously...for the rest of her life.

That is what my husband did to me through his affair with a family member via marriage. I am linked to the OW for the rest of my life. I have made the decision to stay with my husband (and that is on me) and deal with having to see her in public settings, smile and be polite for the benefit of innocent family members. I know that one day, the affair will likely be even far more known in my family, and I will get to experience the pitied and disgusted looks that chose to stay. I know my embarrassment will be great. I live my life knowing that the innocent people in my family may one day demand explanations of why I stayed, they may judge me, they may even decide to cut me from their lives. That is also a personal hell I have chosen for myself, by staying with him. I am not complaining about all this...I am simply stating facts. These are things that I know I will likely one day experience because of his decision.

If you go forward with this obsession, by not getting it under control, or by progressing even, those are the things you are *willingly choosing* to do to your wife. So my advice to you is...each time you look at this person and you have lingering thoughts, try to envision your wife's face as she discovers your betrayal instead. Try to envision the damage to your entire family. 

You say that you have no control over these thoughts, that is what you are seeking help with. They are pervasive and forceful and you are a victim to them. You have opened a door with them though. You are letting the flies into the house. Figure out a way, any way, to close the dang door! Don't say, it's too hard, or what could it harm to fantasize a little, or therapy takes too much. 

OR. If you can't do that...if you just can't bear to deal with the therapy anymore, ask for a divorce from your wife. I wish my husband would have had the courage to at least divorce me instead of putting me through what he did. It would have hurt, I would have been confused, but at least he wouldn't have put me through what he did.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Not sure what training an 18 year old to handle such complex care tbh.
Did you push for her to move in? 
I font think therapy will fix this. You could share your feelingswith nieces dad. That might bring closure to this.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Thanks for revealing who this woman is OP. 

Took a lot of courage to do so.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

A few things --- folks here can sometimes be VERY harsh in a response to someone -- because THEY are triggered, or more usually because they are TRYING to piss you off to get you to THINK and stop doing what you are doing.

Second, she is 18 and SEES YOU AS AN OLD GUY (sorry, NOT trying to be harsh, just realistic). YOU see her as beautiful -- she sees her Aunt's old husband. If she really is attracted to older guys, then you have a whole additional set of issues with her -- Daddy issues are NOT pretty.

Third, it really sounds like she is an attention seeker -- she WANTS everyone to look at her, fawn over her, etc. -- which is NOT a great personality trait to be honest.

Lastly, what would you POSSIBLY see as happening with her? Sex? Relationship? Is Sex worth destroying your ENTIRE LIFE? You will never have a great relationship with her EVER -- no matter what. You will have destroyed YOUR family and her family for nothing, and that family stress would prevent you both from having any sort of good deep relationship.

HOW do you get rid of the thoughts? Look at her OBJECTIVELY -- she is hot, ok. So is a Victoria Secret model, so are actresses -- SO WHAT? There are tons of hot women out there -- YOU need to focus on you and your family. She may be a bit of escapism from your hectic life. YES it will be hard for you since she is around all the time. Maybe TALK with your wife about how she dresses around the house with you? Maybe she can get her to tone it down (but maybe not).


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Sounds like your niece is obviously EXTREMELY aware of you eye F'ing her and thus why she avoids you at all cost.

What you should be concerned about in my opinion is if you give in to your lustful desires and actually physically touch her. Based upon what you've said she'd shut you down immediately but what if she accuses you of sexual harassment or sexual assault??

So she's beautiful......so what.

You have a good thing with your wife. Does every beautiful woman you see need to be obsessed over or trying to do something with her?

I'd be concerned about your wife leaving you because she's obviously on to what you're doing and she can see the way the niece avoids you.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Her coldness may be because she knows how you see her?
> She senses that and it's not what she wants.
> I am sure she is beautiful to you, but an obsession like yours is way being just attracted to her looks. They are many attractive people around but you have focused only on her.


Yes, OP is the creepy old uncle. She said she has been cold to her since she met him....which could have been at birth, right? She was always like this to him growing up....so she must have sensed something off all along...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MadeOfMetal said:


> Really quickly, I wish a lot of you would consider being a little more COMPASSIONATE in your responses. When someone is obviously struggling and clearly reaching out for help, the WORST THING YOU CAN DO is start bashing and shaming that person. Do you know how much courage it takes for someone to admit to THEMSELVES that they have a problem, much less to a therapist or friends or family? Do you know how HARD it is for some people to get the professional help that they need because people they love (I know y'all don't love me I'm just making a point) are telling them, you're just weak, you're just financially subsidizing the pharmaceutical industry, or you're just a bad person and you just need to snap your fingers and choose to quit? Please people, don't make it WORSE. People who need professional help but are too ashamed to get it end up like Robin Williams.
> 
> To those of you who are giving me productive, specific and actionable responses, thank you once again. I am reading and considering ALL of them and will respond once more with another detailed post when I have time.


You haven't done anything. You don't have to be ashamed because actions and choices are what counts.

You just need to be able to properly shelve the nonsense going on in your head, in a backroom of your mind and lock it safely up.

There have been a couple of times when I had an intense, irrational attraction to other women.

Fortunately, I had the ability to choose not to be around them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Whoops! It looks like you might be creeping on the young lady?

I just went from your OP and commented on your last post.

If you are getting creepery (made that up) you need to get help yesterday.

The intense attractions I mentioned in my other post were mutual and I got myself out of the situation.


Your situation sounds different and indicates a possible unhealthy mental state in you.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

MadeOfMetal said:


> The other woman is my wife's niece (which makes her MY niece as well), who we hired to be our special-needs daughter's live-in nanny. That's why avoiding her is not always an option - SHE LIVES IN MY FRIGGIN HOUSE. Getting rid of her is not an option for two reasons: One, I don't know how many of you have had to look for professional care for a loved one, whether it be a special-needs child or an elderly parent or grandparent, but you would not believe how many ugly ducklings you have to go through before you find a swan. My niece absolutely walks on water as a live-in nanny - she has a work ethic and maturity that bely her age (she's only 18), she GENUINELY LOVES her cousin, and not only helps with her, but helps with cleaning the house and doing the dishes and other chores - A LOT - and never complains. When you find that, YOU DON'T GET RID OF IT - PERIOD. Trust me. Two, my wife is not stupid or blind - if I tried to get rid of my niece for any baloney reason she would see right through it - "You want to get rid of the best thing that's ever happened to our daughter because you can't control your lust for an 18-year-old?!?!?!? Bleep you you bleeping bleephole!" she'd say, and I wouldn't blame her a bit.
> 
> Her age was the main reason I didn't want to reveal it any earlier - other posters just fixated on that one number and went straight to "oh my god dude she's a CHILD, you're SICK, it's SO INAPPROPRIATE for a 50-year-old to have a crush on an 18-year-old" blah blah blah so all I got were insults. I had no opportunity to get any PRACTICAL advice. You people have to believe me - the kid may only be 18, but she has a body that any 32-year-old professional model would pay money to a surgeon for, and as I've said in other posts, it's not just her body - her hair, her eyes, her lips, her skin, her smile - her natural beauty compares to any woman on the planet at any age.
> 
> ...



Sounds like there is no chance anything can happen, niece has read the situation correctly and is in control of how this will play out as far as physical contact goes. This is good. Although from the sounds of it, it also sounds like you have self control in this matter due to your self awareness of the gravity of the situation. 

OP have you tried doing something physical, in your home, when these urges or fantasies start to flare up? Like go out to the garage and hammer away on something? Or start up a long term project and only work on that project when you need to get away? Use this as a method to self distract?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you share this with your wife, hmm…I don’t think that will go over well. This is her blood relative and knowing her husband is infatuated/sexually attracted to her niece could lead to a falling out, or maybe seeing you in an entirely different light. Some things you just can’t unhear. I guess that’s a risk you’d have to take.

You posted this OP, in the “coping with infidelity” subforum, do you feel you’re cheating on your wife with this “obsession?”


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jamieboy said:


> This is why @oldshirt thinks you're mental, he was a player and just can't understand why you're feeling this way 😉


I'm not a player and how many women the OP has been with has nothing to do with this. This isn't some case of red pill oneitis. This is a mental health issue. 

Just read the OP's words and statements. These are obsessive, intrusive and UNWANTED thoughts and feelings that are consuming him. They are interferring with his daily functioning and threatening his marriage and family. He is aware of the dangers and potential consequences and has been trying all of the "willpower" things that people normally say to do but these obsessive and intrusive thoughts keep flooding in despite his best efforts. 

Then couple all that with the fact that the OP has had prior mental and emotional issues and a big part of the OP's clarity was in him saying that even if he were to physically separate from is niece that this could just happen with some other person. 

It's not because the niece is so beautiful. Living in the same house he may have caught a glimpse of some boobies but that is not what has caused this. He states she treats him with cold detachment so this is not some kind of Lolita type fantasy. 

And now it's been revealed that this is a niece for which he understands is completely inappropriate and potentially destructive..... But yet he cannot get control of his thoughts and feelings. 

This is a mental health issue. 

I'm not a shrink but this is likely along the lines of an Obsessive/compulsive disorder (OCD) but instead of washing his hands 1000 times a day or vacumming the carpet dozens of times a day and covering the furniture with sterilized sheets, he is having obsessive thoughts of the niece. 

Ultimately he needs aggressive professional intervention and medications to truly address this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> If you share this with your wife, hmm…I don’t think that will go over well. This is her blood relative and knowing her husband is infatuated/sexually attracted to her niece could lead to a falling out, or maybe seeing you in an entirely different light. Some things you just can’t unhear. I guess that’s a risk you’d have to take.
> 
> You posted this OP, in the “coping with infidelity” subforum, do you feel you’re cheating on your wife with this “obsession?”


I think his wife is aware to some extent as she did warm him about it a while back. So she had noticed him staring in appropriately.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not a player and how many women the OP has been with has nothing to do with this. This isn't some case of red pill oneitis. This is a mental health issue.
> 
> Just read the OP's words and statements. These are obsessive, intrusive and UNWANTED thoughts and feelings that are consuming him. They are interferring with his daily functioning and threatening his marriage and family. He is aware of the dangers and potential consequences and has been trying all of the "willpower" things that people normally say to do but these obsessive and intrusive thoughts keep flooding in despite his best efforts.
> 
> ...


What medication helps with lusting after someone?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

snowbum said:


> Not sure what training an 18 year old to handle such complex care tbh.
> Did you push for her to move in?
> I font think therapy will fix this. You could share your feelingswith nieces dad. That might bring closure to this.


You have a point there. What training has she had?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If my husband told me to fire my niece because he was getting off to her and posting what you posted I wouldn’t be able to get rid of her fast enough. This whole thing is sick.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MadeOfMetal said:


> The other woman is my wife's niece (which makes her MY niece as well), who we hired to be our special-needs daughter's live-in nanny. That's why avoiding her is not always an option - SHE LIVES IN MY FRIGGIN HOUSE. Getting rid of her is not an option for two reasons: One, I don't know how many of you have had to look for professional care for a loved one, whether it be a special-needs child or an elderly parent or grandparent, but you would not believe how many ugly ducklings you have to go through before you find a swan. My niece absolutely walks on water as a live-in nanny - she has a work ethic and maturity that bely her age (she's only 18), she GENUINELY LOVES her cousin, and not only helps with her, but helps with cleaning the house and doing the dishes and other chores - A LOT - and never complains. When you find that, YOU DON'T GET RID OF IT - PERIOD. Trust me. Two, my wife is not stupid or blind - if I tried to get rid of my niece for any baloney reason she would see right through it - "You want to get rid of the best thing that's ever happened to our daughter because you can't control your lust for an 18-year-old?!?!?!? Bleep you you bleeping bleephole!" she'd say, and I wouldn't blame her a bit.
> 
> Her age was the main reason I didn't want to reveal it any earlier - other posters just fixated on that one number and went straight to "oh my god dude she's a CHILD, you're SICK, it's SO INAPPROPRIATE for a 50-year-old to have a crush on an 18-year-old" blah blah blah so all I got were insults. I had no opportunity to get any PRACTICAL advice. You people have to believe me - the kid may only be 18, but she has a body that any 32-year-old professional model would pay money to a surgeon for, and as I've said in other posts, it's not just her body - her hair, her eyes, her lips, her skin, her smile - her natural beauty compares to any woman on the planet at any age.
> 
> ...


Do you have any idea why she is so cold towards you? What does your wife think of her being cold?
How long have you had this obsession? Presumably you have known her all her life growing up? 
We appreciate you think she is clearly the most beautiful woman ever, but if you think rationally surely you can see that she is just one of many beautiful people? Just because a man in his 30's kissed her that means nothing. People kiss all the time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> What medication helps with lusting after someone?


I do not think this a sexual attraction or lust issue or something that is occuring because she has nice boobies and a firm butt. I think it goes a lot deeper and is a lot more problematic than some old guy having some kind of quasi incestuous hornies (as if that is not bad enough) I think this is actually WORSE than some guy being perv. I think there is some kind of mental illness taking place. 

This is likely not actually a lust issue but rather some kind of OCD-type mental disorder issue, which is often treated medically with antidepressants and/or anxiolytics in conjunction with therapy. 

Now I am not a shrink or mental health professional so I cannot say for sure what is going on, that is why I am so strongly urging him to seek professional evaluation and treatment.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

MadeOfMetal said:


> Really quickly, I wish a lot of you would consider being a little more COMPASSIONATE in your responses. When someone is obviously struggling and clearly reaching out for help, the WORST THING YOU CAN DO is start bashing and shaming that person. Do you know how much courage it takes for someone to admit to THEMSELVES that they have a problem, much less to a therapist or friends or family? Do you know how HARD it is for some people to get the professional help that they need because people they love (I know y'all don't love me I'm just making a point) are telling them, you're just weak, you're just financially subsidizing the pharmaceutical industry, or you're just a bad person and you just need to snap your fingers and choose to quit? Please people, don't make it WORSE. People who need professional help but are too ashamed to get it end up like Robin Williams.
> 
> To those of you who are giving me productive, specific and actionable responses, thank you once again. I am reading and considering ALL of them and will respond once more with another detailed post when I have time.


Don’t make vague statements about suicide. Meaning, don’t compare your situation to the painful suicide of Robin Williams.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

OP, if you don’t want to see responses from certain members you can simply block them. Lots less stressful that way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I do not think this a sexual attraction or lust issue or something that is occuring because she has nice boobies and a firm butt. I think it goes a lot deeper and is a lot more problematic than some old guy having some kind of quasi incestuous hornies (as if that is not bad enough) I think this is actually WORSE than some guy being perv. I think there is some kind of mental illness taking place.
> 
> This is likely not actually a lust issue but rather some kind of OCD-type mental disorder issue, which is often treated medically with antidepressants and/or anxiolytics in conjunction with therapy.
> 
> Now I am not a shrink or mental health professional so I cannot say for sure what is going on, that is why I am so strongly urging him to seek professional evaluation and treatment.


If it's never happened before and he is 50, it's hard to understand that he suddenly gets a mental illness as soon as the lady moves in. 
Surely they would have been some signs before ? I have asked him if anything similar has happened before but he hasn't answered.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This story is reminding me of a guy that I know of from many years ago. I never met him but he was an old BF of a work partner of mine. 

He was a normal average joe, graduated high school, went to college, graduated college, got a job in another town a number of hours away from his home town and family etc. Things were going fine, his job was going well and he moved into a duplex with some other people in the other duplex next to his. 

After awhile he started getting suspicious of the comings and goings of the people next door and the sounds he would occasionally hear on the other side of the dividing wall. 

At first he tried calling the police and told them his concerns but they said they did not have enough evidence or probably cause to do anything and suggested he mind his own business but if he directly saw anything dangerous to let them know. 

He tried to contact the FBI but never got a call back. 

This was 30some years ago at the height of the cold war and as time went on just knew that the people next door were KGB moles plotting something terrible. As time went on he was becoming more and more convinced and was having trouble thinking about anything else. He started having trouble at work because he was so worried what was going on back at the KGB hideout. 

Finally he knew he had them dead to rights and if he could just catch them in the act and expose them and show them to the police and CIA and FBI then they couldn't ignore it and he would have saved the country.

......... So he left work early without telling anyone and drove his car right into their house. As he was climbing out of his car in all the debris about ready to say, "Aha don't move, the FBI is on their way!!" He saw the elderly couple sitting on their couch soiling their pants and scared to death as this car was sitting in their dining room with dust and debris everywhere. 

He spent a few months at the mental hospital until he no longer had those obsessive and intrusive thoughts. 

The word of warning here is these things only get worse over time without treatment. 

He may be able to control his actions and behaviors thus far,,, but for how much longer??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> If it's never happened before and he is 50, it's hard to understand that he suddenly gets a mental illness as soon as the lady moves in.
> Surely they would have been some signs before ? I have asked him if anything similar has happened before but he hasn't answered.


He has said that he has had mental issues and has been under the care of a therapist before. 

I'm not sure if he has said that he has had this exact affliction before but he has stated previous issues requiring mental health care.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> He has said that he has had mental issues and has been under the care of a therapist before.
> 
> I'm not sure if he has said that he has had this exact affliction before but he has stated previous issues requiring mental health care.


It may help to know what this was. Maybe if he has had obsessions before it would help people to understand.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> It may help to know what this was. Maybe if he has had obsessions before it would help people to understand.


Yes it would. 

However, even if it was not obsessive related, the fact that there was any mental or emotional issues at all raises the index of suspicion on a mental health issue. 

In general aging sucks. As we get older, not only do physical ailments tend to manifest more and become more pronounced and problematic, but so too do mental and emotional ailments. 

Things that were kind of subclinical and bubbling around just under the surface but never actually caused any real world problems in younger days, can bubble up to the surface and cause problems as we get older.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now as far as your wife, you are going to need to bring her into the loop with this. It’s not up to you to decide what her reaction or response with be, that is on her. It’s not on you to try to shield her from this and trying to shield her will not actually insulate her from the realities of the situation.

however I will state that people almost always react in a more understanding and cooperative manner if the problem is being appropriately and legitimately addressed and delt with.

so in other words, there will be a world of difference if you approach your wife and say that you’ve been having some troubling thoughts and feelings again and you have consulted a therapist and are working towards a healthy and appropriate means of addressing this rather than getting busted trying to sneak into your niece’s bedroom at night ….. where this is heading if you don’t seek immediate treatment.

people always react better when the problem is being appropriately addressed rather than when the shyt hits the fan.

And things will go better if strategies are being recommended by a professional.

so in other words if you are working with therapist and the therapist recommends finding another therapist to separate you from the stressor while this is being addressed, that will go over 1000 times better than if you unilaterally kick out the niece and then tell your wife it’s because you want to fck her.

let me put this real bluntly, you are in a compromised state and are likely not capable of making rational and appropriate decisions and what you try to do on your own will blow up in your face and will cause more harm and damage.

mid you see a professional and follow their professional guidance and prescription, then not only are the chances of destruction much less, but you are following doctors orders and it is on them and not solely on you if something does go haywire.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not a player and how many women the OP has been with has nothing to do with this. This isn't some case of red pill oneitis. This is a mental health issue.
> 
> Just read the OP's words and statements. These are obsessive, intrusive and UNWANTED thoughts and feelings that are consuming him. They are interferring with his daily functioning and threatening his marriage and family. He is aware of the dangers and potential consequences and has been trying all of the "willpower" things that people normally say to do but these obsessive and intrusive thoughts keep flooding in despite his best efforts.
> 
> ...


I don't agree with your assessment, he has a crush, no more no less, he's self aware to know its hella inappropriate, so unlikely he will cross any boundaries. It will pass with time and he'll be fine. 

As to my light hearted rib about you being a player, I have read your series of posts about your past indiscretions, I would say you were definitely in player territory once, even if you are now reformed


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> let me put this real bluntly, you are in a compromised state and are likely not capable of making rational and appropriate decisions and what you try to do on your own will blow up in your face and will cause more harm and damage.
> 
> If you see a professional and follow their professional guidance and prescription, then not only are the chances of destruction much less, but you are following doctors orders and it is on them and not solely on you if something does go haywire.


@MadeOfMetal let me put this another way. You came on here asking for advice on how to deal with your obsessive thoughts of your niece. 

Think of a drunk asking his drunk buddies what would be the best way for him to drive home without getting an OWI. The drunk buddies are going to come up with all sorts of dumb ideas such as driving with the headlights off so the cops won't see or sneaking through back alleys and cutting through big parking lots off the main streets and I've even heard drunks tell other drunks that if they run their windsheild wipers it will break up the cop's radar and I've heard drunks say you can beat a breathalizer test by keeping a bunch of nasty corroded pennies in the ashtray to put in your mouth before blowing in the breathalyzer. 

But the actual correct answer is to not drive at all but hand the keys over to sane, completely sober and responsible person and let them decide how best to get you home and safe. 

The drunk is compromised and cannot formulate a safe and sensible solution on his own and whatever idea he comes up with will likely lead to even more trouble and compounding offenses in addition to being out drunk. 

But if he hands the keys over to a sane, sober, responsible person and puts and lets that person decide the best course of action,, the chances of anything bad happening drops off dramatically. 

And if by some inadvertent twist of fate something does happen with that sane, sober, responsible person at the wheel, it won't be as bad as if the drunk were driving and it will be on that person and not the drunk for the drunk was doing the right thing in handing over his keys to the sane and sober person. 

In this case, you are the drunk. You are compromised for whatever reason and your ability to think rationally and formulate a safe and appropriate course of action has been negated. Whatever you try to do on your own in this state will likely lead to greater trouble and compounding offenses. 

The safest and most appropriate course of action is to hand the keys over to a sane, sober, responsible person with a vested interest in keeping everyone safe (ie a mental health provider) and you taking a seat and letting that person navigate this very explosive minefield.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Ain’t no way his wife will accept him wanting to bang his niece. None. This is not acceptable or explainable. Sorry. Your coworker? Your neighbor? Your classmate? Sure. Your 18 year old niece? Nope.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jamieboy said:


> I don't agree with your assessment, he has a crush, no more no less, he's self aware to know its hella inappropriate, so unlikely he will cross any boundaries. It will pass with time and he'll be fine.


There will be a spectrum of opinions what the OP's issue is and what he should do about it. Based on my training, education and experience (I am not a professional mental health practitioner, but I have had various training in dealing with mental health issues and have field experience with people with mental health issues) I believe the OP is having some kind of mental health issue. 

My reccommendation is that he seek immediate mental health care from a qualified mental health practitioner and follow that practitioner's reccommendation and prescription. 

I may be wrong and perhaps he is just an old pervert that has a crush a purdy young thing with nice boobies and firm behind. If am wrong and he follows my advice, he sees a mental health professional for his obsessive and intrusive thoughts and he is told to grow up, get his head out of the gutter and keep his hands to himself by someone that is trained and educated to see warning signs and offer professional advice. 

The worst thing that happens out of all of this is he is a little embarassed that a professional told him to act appropriately and he gets a bill in the mail. 

BUT if I am right and he sits on his hands and does nothing in hopes that time will make this whole thing go away, what often actually ends up happening is these things are often progressive and it does not go away but rather gets WORSE. 

Right now he is aware that his thoughts and feelings are out of whack and not right. It is causing him distress and angst in his normal life and affecting his home and family life. He is aware of the consequences and what could result if he acts on these thoughts. And he is aware that his niece is not a willing participant and that his feelings are not reciprocated by her. 

BUT FOR HOW LONG? 

How long should he sit and wait for this to go away? How much worse does it need to get before something truly tragic happens?

If I am wrong, the worst that happens is he gets a bill in the mail and feels a little embarassed talking about his teen girl fantasies with a shrink. 

But if you are wrong and he just waits for this to go away, this may be a progressive disorder. If may go from a pervy attraction to him trying to sneak into her bedroom at night. He may try to give his wife the boot so he and the niece can play house and family together. 

Some of these OCD things can progress from obsessive and intrusive thoughts to an actual psychosis and break from reality. 

Right now he knows the niece does not have feelings for him but how much farther does this go before he starts to believe that she is just as into him and that she wants to sneak away from the house and family in the trunk of his car to go live off of nuts and berries and in some homemade shack in the mountains of Utah?? 

The worst that comes from consulting a mental health professional is a bill in the mail. 

The worst that could happen from assuming he is just an old fool is he could destroy his marriage, he could harm the niece and he could land in prison or a mental facility. 

Which option should we try first???


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Ain’t no way his wife will accept him wanting to bang his niece. None. This is not acceptable or explainable. Sorry. Your coworker? Your neighbor? Your classmate? Sure. Your 18 year old niece? Nope.


This is why he needs to consult a professional and work with a professional. 

This is probably going to come out sooner or later one way or another. 

It's better for her to hear about it in a shrinks office hearing it explained by mental health professional that this happens in "X"% of the population and it caused by "Y" and it is treated with "Z" than if she hears screams coming from the niece's bedroom in the middle the night to find him in a clown costume chasing her around the room with 12" dildo telling her to come ride the pony. 

If this is allowed to continue, it is going to manifest someway and she is going to find out one way or another. It would be less destructive for her to find out in a controlled clinical setting and with factual western medicine information than any other alternative means.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> It's better for her to hear about it in a shrinks office hearing it explained by mental health professional that this happens in "X"% of the population and it caused by "Y" and it is treated with "Z"


A quick Google search brings up this =









Obsessive Love Disorder: Symptoms, What It is, Causes, and More


Obsessive love disorder (OLD) refers to a condition where you become obsessed with one person you think you may be in love with.




www.healthline.com


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

I actually get it. I'm a woman, I don't crush on anyone (it's just not my nature for whatever reason), but I get it. You're halfway through your life, at about that bald-spot-in-a-convertable age. She's young, she's hot, she flaunts it. I get the special needs kiddo thing and the comments saying you can easily find someone else are so wrong, finding a perfect fit for your kiddo is a one in a million stroke of luck. So then... where your attention goes your heart follows. Make sure that attention is on your wife. Focus on her 1000%. When you find yourself looking leave the room. When you find yourself lost in thoughts do something else. Pray to be free from your thoughts, thank God for what you have, write your wife a note expressing your love, give your wife a back rub, buy her a sexy dress so she can flaunt herself for you and take her to dinner. Block her on social media. Every time you catch yourself doing something ask "is this disrespectful to my wife?". There's always going to be beautiful women to test your resolve, don't feed into it. Don't check out her pages, like her posts or lay compliments in her. Save it for the one you're committed to.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

I agree. This is mental illness.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Wasn't there a movie or two that had a similar plot line?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Make your wife sit on your face at least a couple times a day as penance you bad boy.😋

Seriously though, you need real, professional help sir.

Please get it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Wasn't there a movie or two that had a similar plot line?


i think at last count there was something like 11,238 movies with similar plot lines.

Maybe not lusting over their niece exactly but having someone stuck in their brain to where they were doing some kind of stupid sht.


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## MadeOfMetal (19 d ago)

One last time, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who gave me constructive, actionable and practical advice.

I'm going to take a break from this thread for awhile but I hope the mods leave it open because I plan to come back in 3 months and provide an update.


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## Gretschguy2021 (Mar 18, 2021)

Do not make the mistake of telling your wife , you will loose her trust and looking at another women is not crossing the line. You and your therapist need to deal with your obsession. Your obsession is only skin deep , its a good thing she gives you the cold shoulder, and isn’t going along with it. You have admitted you need help , your already working toward recovery


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MadeOfMetal said:


> I decided to post this in the infidelity forum even though I haven't been unfaithful - once you get to the end of the post it should be pretty clear why.
> 
> I am happily married 22 years. What I'm dealing with is an intense obsession with another woman. I'm not choosing to be obsessed with this other woman - I don't WANT to be attracted to her, but I can't pretend I don't feel physical manifestations throughout my stomach, chest and arms when she walks into the room. She is so friggin beautiful. She has a CRAZY hot body and KNOWS it as evidenced by all the bikini pictures she plasters all over social media. It's not just her body - her eyes, her lips, her smile, her hair, her skin - she is sexy across the board. I'm not sure I've ever felt this intense a purely physical attraction to a woman - I felt an intense attraction to my wife, but I LOVED her in addition to finding her attractive.
> 
> ...


That's enough info.

You're just acting ridiculous.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

elliblue said:


> Sad, sad, sad... if she is such a godess, then you have to marry her.
> If she gets run ovef by a truck and ends up sitting in a wheel chair, gaining 100 pounds and having only one eye left, would you still stare at her and be obsessed?
> No.
> 
> ...


We can indeed make a judgement. OP, you're acting childish and silly.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> The guy is trying like heck to quit his obsession. There's not much else he can do but think of his wife and the disaster that will occur if he lets this go to
> any other level. Once upon a time, in my youth, I had an unhealthy obsession with a Hollywood starlet (remember the song "hey soul sister").
> I got over it, although I still had a crush on her years later. Not quite the same thing, a celebrity vs a real woman, but still. How did I get over this obsession?
> Just time, that's all.


He's not trying too hard. Or it wouldn't be an issue.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

He’s a limerant, y’all are getting worked up over a normal limerance.
OP:
I hope you’re doing better, take what you need and leave the rest.

Get help for limerance, even on the ‘net, it’s not healthy and definitely not the extreme some are making it out to be and happens to many people over time.

You recognized the issue and are way ahead of the game, keep fixing this and show your wife how beautiful she is to you.


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