# She constantly criticises everybody



## sunil (Sep 15, 2013)

Before we were married five years ago everything was just fine, we were constantly together enjoying each others company with all the usual agreements and disagreements of a relationship. I was her knight in shining armour but this quickly changed once the glamour of marriage faded. Very soon our life became her constant criticism of me, and of everything and everybody around us. All the people we meet in daily life, the butcher, the baker, the airline pilot, the doctor, the dentist, are all in her view totally incompetant or out to take money from her. 

When she is not criticising others I become the victim, I park the car wrongly, watch the wrong TV programmes, cook the food wrongly. Whatever I do she is constantly looking over my shoulder and saying that she would have done it a different way. I used to suggest that ok perhaps she would like to do it, or maybe show me how how it should be done - but this usually resulted in her using every excuse she could find to just walk away. 

On the odd occasion I had the opportunity to take her on a contract with me but she could not resist the temptation to tell me and my co-workers that we were all doing our jobs wrongly.

Often she lies to cover up her criticism. If she complains that the "incompetent, thieving" grocery boy failed to deliver the milk and I go to the fridge and show her that the bottle is there where it should be, she will quickly deny that she ever said anything - or insist that I must have hidden it from her, or maybe I had only just this minute placed it there.

She is on the skype many times a day chastising and criticising her family, and it is getting to the point where they are frightened to do anything and pretend not be be available when she calls. She has a grandson aged nineteen at college whose life is grim as she tries to remotely control him, how much time he spends studying, how much time he spends with his girlfriend, how often he has sex, how often he goes to the nightclub. He is getting rebellious at her constant interference in what he considers to be private.

When our friends come around she always turns the conversation into a complaint about somebody or something, or simply to humiliate me. Fewer friends visit us as time goes by.

Until now I have put up with the situation and have tried to ignore it. If I don't do whatever the task is it will never get done, so I do it my way and put up with the criticism - but this now results in her getting very angry, going into her study and slamming the door.

I am getting very frustrated with the situation and I fear that soon I will start using my fists - what do I do - what is her problem ???


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Tell her she has turned into a controlling grinch and that if she doesn't stop she will have no friends left- including you


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

She sounds Narcissistic! Not a good quality!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

:iagree:Sunil, I agree with Trey that you are describing traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine whether her NPD traits are so severe that they satisfy 100% of the criteria for being a full-blown narcissist. Significantly, when NPD traits reach that level the person is incapable of loving anyone. Hopefully, her traits fall well short of that level.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

She sounds bored and depressed. What does her family say? Was she like this to them while you were dating? Did she just hide it from you? Or is this a recent, strong personality change?

Does she have a job? Any hobbies? What? 

Do you work?

How much time a week do the two of you spend together doing date-like things? Just the two of you?

The first thing I'd do is try to get her to go out and get a job, or do volunteer work. Get her busy.

Get her to also go to a doctor for a full physical exam and a mental health exam. She might be depressed.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

Did you tell her that you dod not like being critizised?
Did one of the others tell her?

First thing I would do is to try to talk to her.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> First thing I would do is to try to talk to her.


Sounds like you married my wife's sister.

When I try to talk to her, I get "you need to go talk to somebody about your problem".

and,
...."if you would measure up, I wouldn't complain. I'm not doing this to be mean to you, I'm doing it to HELP you"


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

TJW said:


> Sounds like you married my wife's sister.
> 
> When I try to talk to her, I get "you need to go talk to somebody about your problem".
> 
> ...


I do not know anything about your situation but wouldn't you agree that there sometimes are people which are in need of help (may be without realizing it)?

I do not say this is the case with you.


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## sunil (Sep 15, 2013)

Hi Elegirl, so much of what you say is very appropriate. We are both in our late fifties, I am retired but my wife has not worked since she was in her teens - she has always "been the wife of" and stayed at home.

So she has no job, no hobbies and no real interests. Her time is spent "resting" or watching junk TV. She worries constantly about her health and buys into all the popular diseases and fads.

Apart from her health any other interests are approached on a very naive, simplistic level. She will consider herself an expert on any subject after reading just a paragraph in a newspaper.
Because of her simplistic approach it is difficult to have any meaningful conversation. 

She needs constant "entertaining" by me but afterwards will criticise my efforts however much she appeared to enjoy the event.

We are together much of the time and go out together for lunch or dinner two or three times a week - just the two of us to a bar or restaurant.

Her constant neurosis about her health suggests that getting her to a medic for a diagnosis might just add fuel to the fire. Your suggestion seems sound but !!

What are your thoughts ???


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

She's displaying some serious Narcissism! Whether 
you are able to get her to a therapist or not I'm not sure,
My guess is no, most Narcissists don't think they have a 
problem anyway. Even if she won't go to the doc/ therapist 
arm yourself with knowledge if you are going to continue to stay. 
Books, the Internet etc about Narcissism. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

This is the thing, she might not even realize what she is doing. I actually understand this. How old are the two of you? Do you have children? Is she a well organized person or someone who is lazy? Sometimes people complain because they don't feel good about themselves. If she is insecure or over weight this could be the reason for her unhappiness. If she is a organized on-the-go type and used to being the one to cook meals, etc it could be that she is simply used to the way she does things but means you no harm. Could it be that she feels safe to vent on you? Her mind is buzzy with thoughts that she needs to unload? Is she the one that makes decisions in the home or do you make them together? If she has a majority of the responsibility it is easy to be this way. I would not label her as narcissistic.....the big one with this is these people have NO compassion for others and have to ability to feel empathy. 

The reason I can identify.....my husband who I have been married to for 21 years was the type that wanted to go to work, come home, do "his" things and pursue "his" interests. He didn't want to be involved with the kids and decisions making so I made a lot of decisions. He doesn't like to cook and hates even more to clean up after himself. I made a lot of call. I came very involved with my kids lives, helping them, listening to them, giving them advise.

As my kids grew into adults I realized they were tired of so much of my involvement and my help. I had to take a huge step back and let them figure out how to do things without my input. Likewise with my husband, he's a drinker and my "helping" him was actually enabling and I had to learn to let go.

Could she be experiencing the same type of thing? I hear from a lot of moms/wives who have had to step back and not try to get involved.

Can you talk to her about this and tell her that you would really appreciate it when you drive that she let's you do so without negative input, and same with cooking?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> This is the thing, she might not even realize what she is doing. I actually understand this. How old are the two of you? Do you have children? Is she a well organized person or someone who is lazy? Sometimes people complain because they don't feel good about themselves. If she is insecure or over weight this could be the reason for her unhappiness. If she is a organized on-the-go type and used to being the one to cook meals, etc it could be that she is simply used to the way she does things but means you no harm. Could it be that she feels safe to vent on you? Her mind is buzzy with thoughts that she needs to unload? Is she the one that makes decisions in the home or do you make them together? If she has a majority of the responsibility it is easy to be this way. I would not label her as narcissistic.....the big one with this is these people have NO compassion for others and have to ability to feel empathy.
> 
> The reason I can identify.....my husband who I have been married to for 21 years was the type that wanted to go to work, come home, do "his" things and pursue "his" interests. He didn't want to be involved with the kids and decisions making so I made a lot of decisions. He doesn't like to cook and hates even more to clean up after himself. I made a lot of call. I came very involved with my kids lives, helping them, listening to them, giving them advise.
> 
> ...


I agree! Before slapping a label other than negative nancy on her, it seems like she's bored and maybe bitter. Maybe she's regretting her life choices as she sees people being more productive. My mother is like that at that age and she once opened up that she thinks she would have been a great career woman and wishes she could have gotten further in school. Also, my husband has a saying when I get negative. "Be happy!" To let things go and enjoy the moment. Maybe she can take up a hobby or volunteer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sunil said:


> I am getting very frustrated with the situation and I fear that soon I will start using my fists - what do I do - what is her problem ???



I would just tell it to her like you told it to us here. If she says it's your problem (and she will), tell her that: 


you are only mentioning it because it's not only driving you away you, it's also driving away your friends and family

even if she is perfect and her criticism is valid, that doesn't mean that other people want to be constantly criticized.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife is very much the same way as you describe but she suffers from depression. Also, being critical of others is just how her family operates. I believe God puts us with people for a reason. Maybe He figured your positive nature could help her. Over the years, mine has become calmer and more tolerant. I don't believe anyone who feels happy about themselves could constantly be critical of others.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There is a fine line between deciding (objectively) that something is not done 100% correctly versus 98% and going off on a tirade about everyone and everything that is "wrong".

I'm very good at observing people and tracking details. I can point flaws in nearly everything. It is not that difficult. The question is, do I do it? No. Should I do it? No. Nobody's perfect.

The OP could try to direct his partner into using the criticism of others as a vehicle for self improvement. Not the easiest thing to do of course. But worth some consideration at least...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Please read my article on narcissism when you have time. It will help you figure out if this is what you're dealing with and give you some techniques for coping with it.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

What would happen if you suggested to her that she should look for one positive thing to say to match every negative thing she said?


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

I have a couple of family members exactly like that and my husband as well. After a lifetime with the family behavior, my husband seemed normal to me with the same trait. About five years ago my eyes opened wide to it and I vowed to stop it in it's tracks. 

Being positive 100% of the time is unrealistic as there are legitimate gripes in life. But knowing what is reasonable and normal balance is the difference.

Once I realized how difficult certain people around me were, I spent years finding coping mechanisms and ways to respond to their negative comments. I developed a repertoire of comebacks to cite and don't let them go beyond one sentence.

If the commenter complains to me about anyone besides me, the most effective reply is "I can't help your problem with person X. You need to talk directly to that person/company/supervisor for resolution if you want it to change". 

If the narcissist complains about me, I respond with either an apology if it genuinely is my fault, or "I don't have the energy to stay in a debate. Give me a suggestion to fix what you are complaining about".


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your post is rather interesting especially as many people say they also have the problem. You wont be able to cure it even if you use your fists but you may be able to contain it.

First of all how is it possible as you put it that she is so bad to everybody and they still talk to her.

That she is like that to her grandson (it sounds like he isnt yours) isnt too surprising. I suppose he has always let her walk over him and most likely his parents as well. Once you allow a person to do that they never stop.

Why do they all put up with it. Does she give them anything for it.

What you have to do is really to be cleverer than her. Like your example with the milk there must be many more. Of course she will tell lies thats part of it. You should keep a book and record all the incidents. If she gets hold of it she may tear it up so put on the computer. 

It also depends how scared you are of her. You dont seem to be too scared to use your fists so doing this shouldnt be too difficult. I wouldnt worry so much about how she is with other people. That is their problem and not really yours. It is how she is with you. You have to put your foot down and put it down hard. That when you do something you do it your way and not hers. Agree that hers is better quicker etc. but you like doing it your way and that is how you are going to do it. She will get the message in the end. And it wont take that long. Once she gets it she wont forget it. 

Try not to argue too much at the moment. Keep agreeing with her that will change her. 

Good luck


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

sunil said:


> Before we were married five years ago everything was just fine, we were constantly together enjoying each others company with all the usual agreements and disagreements of a relationship. I was her knight in shining armour but this quickly changed once the glamour of marriage faded. Very soon our life became her constant criticism of me, and of everything and everybody around us. All the people we meet in daily life, the butcher, the baker, the airline pilot, the doctor, the dentist, are all in her view totally incompetant or out to take money from her.
> 
> When she is not criticising others I become the victim, I park the car wrongly, watch the wrong TV programmes, cook the food wrongly. Whatever I do she is constantly looking over my shoulder and saying that she would have done it a different way. I used to suggest that ok perhaps she would like to do it, or maybe show me how how it should be done - but this usually resulted in her using every excuse she could find to just walk away.
> 
> ...


You are joking about your fists right?

Because she has Grandchildren, I gather you are over 40 

Personally, I would leave. I am older & wiser & lived with a critical spouse for 22 years - staying for my children & out of fear.

They don't change unless they want to (she doesn't) & then if they want to change, most need outside help if they have been this way for a long time.

So don't hope for her to magically change. Hope is not a plan.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sunil said:


> Very soon our life became her constant criticism of me, and of everything and everybody around us. All the people we meet in daily life, the butcher, the baker, the airline pilot, the doctor, the dentist, are all in her view totally incompetant or out to take money from her.
> 
> When she is not criticising others I become the victim, I park the car wrongly, watch the wrong TV programmes, cook the food wrongly. Whatever I do she is constantly looking over my shoulder and saying that she would have done it a different way. I used to suggest that ok perhaps she would like to do it, or maybe show me how how it should be done - but this usually resulted in her using every excuse she could find to just walk away.
> 
> ...


My second husband was EXACTLY this way. He criticized everything and everybody. Especially me! Before I finally left, I had stopped cooking meals, and I didnt clean anything in the house any more, because he hated everything I made, and criticized my housekeeping. If it wasnt done HIS way, then it was wrong. (he was a neat freak to the nth degree) He hated my clothes, my hair, my underwear, my driving, my reading, the shows I watched, my family. And he is exactly the same way even now. He has cut his entire family out of his life, even going so far as to say he cant stand his granddaughter, who is SIX! And of course it is THEIR fault that he had to cut them out. 

My advice? LEAVE!! RUN!! SAVE YOURSELF!! This is how she is, and she is never ever going to get better! She is sucking the life out of you. Living with someone like this is miserable, draining, and exhausting. NO PERSON is worth this. NO one.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dear OP,

You have my sympathy. If this is a change in her personality (which I gather it is from your posts) then it is not likely a primary personality disorder like narcissism. I am concerned that she may actually have a medical problem or a significant psychiatric disorder. Confabulating or denying statements after she is proven wrong may be a marker of dementia. You don't mention what her physical complaints are; but, I think a thorough medical evaluation is in order.


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