# Deteriorating sex life



## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

Hello!

This is my first post and a new thread. Please don't judge me for that.
I've been reading about marital sex problems for some time but I can't find an answer.
We are in relationship almost for 10 years, married for only half of a year. 
Our sex life has always been wavy - sometimes very good, sometimes not so. But last couple of years it has been slowly deteriorating. We used to have sex 2 -3 times a week and both were happy with it. Now it declined to 2-3 times a month. The pleasure also somewhat declined.
My husband says he is unhappy about quantity and quality of our sex life but he doesn't seem to try to do something about it.
I don't feel satisfied with our sex life too. I also feel blamed for sex not being perfect.
There might have been many causes of our sex life's downfall:

1. Four years ago I had major depression. I took antidepressants for two years. I used SSRI's only for half a year, but they declined my sex drive a lot. After discontinuing them we had a "honey moon" - for a couple of months I wanted sex all the time and could orgasm in a couple of minutes. Later that also passed. I tend to believe that antidepressants didn't leave me some long term side effects. But my depression had some bad effects on our relationship - my husband somehow got used to the fact that my emotions are most important and somehow closed his inside. He is still not as open as he used to be though I am more or less symptoms free for two years. 

2. I feel that I respect my husband less than I used to. When we started our relationship, we were both medical students. But after two years he changed his mind and left. I finished my studies and now work as a doctor. Since then he finished biophysics studies, but doesn't work in that field. He seems to have very low motivation in finding a proper work. He works now as a manager in a small bicycle shop. His income is low and working hours long. I know he could do more. His IQ is over 140. He is very handy and intelligent but just doesn't have motivation to change something. I try to encourage him... This lasts for about four years. Nothing what I try to do seems to work. And I feel like I am loosing faith in him and starting to loose respect. I had such high expectations of him... but he just doesn't give any effort.
I tried to find out maybe he is also depressed. I tried to make him go to a counselor. But he just doesn't want. He tells me that he will try harder and everything will change. But that doesn't happen.
It might seem to be unrelated to sex life. But for me it is. I somehow feel more attraction to successful and achieving men. 
Besides his career, my husband is very supportive in household, active, intelectual and very kind person.

3. I had a quite traumatic childhood. My father was an alcoholic. I had to defend my mother from his (also sexual) aggression since the age of about 10. I have seen and heard my father raping my mother and threatening to kill us if she doesn't go to bed with him. He has never touched me, but had threatened to make me "vomit sperm" once. I had no normal sex education in my family.
I blame this early experience for my sex fantasies being quite violent. At some time in my life (maybe 5 or 6 years ago) I started realising that my fantasies are not appropriate. I tried to change them but finally I just stopped them. Now I almost never have fantasies. Imagining normal sex doesn't turn me on, but I don't have brutual fantasied I used to have anymore too.
I am on talk therapy for four years but I avoid talking about sex there. Don't know why. Until now I tried to convince myself that my sex life is fine.

4. My husband became crazy about anal sex. When we started our sex life together, we talked about what is acceptable for both of us. I told that I would like to try most of thins except maybe for anal sex, which seemed potentially harmful and not hygienic for me. I don't know if this forbidden fruit status has inspired him to be totally into anal sex but now it is most desired fantasy for him. Almost all porn he watches is anal. I general, I feel so unwanted when instead of trying to seduce me he goes for masturbating in front of the computer. Maybe he is addicted to porn? 
After two years of thinking finally one day I told him that I could try anal sex if it is what he desires so much. I also told that I might not like it and might not want to try it ever again but i still have to give this a try to be fair for my husband. This happened during just a common conversation and I expected him to offer me anal sex soon but he didn't. He just always claimed how much he wanted to try anal sex but never did a thing to actually achieve it. Even after I admitted I might try that. I really expected some action from him after that. Maybe he just wants to have an excuse and blame me for not being adventurous enough? Maybe he doesn't really want to try it with me?

5. My husband tells me that he thinks our sex life is boring and all the same. I do not know what is the norm. But we try every position we can bend ourselves in . We have two drawers of sex toys and use them. We have tried sex in water, hotels, car, camping tent, on the floor, in the shower, on the table, sport club changing cabin etc. I would agree to try most things he can offer but I must admit that I don't have such a great imagination for it myself. Maybe he expects me to take the initiative to my hands? I must agree that it turn me on when he is more initiative and expect that from him. Maybe we are both passive and just need more active partners? Maybe he expects sex to be like he sees in porn movies?
For me the quality of sex mostly depends on our relationship. When I feel loved, desired and close to him, even simple things feel great. When I am angry or feel isolated, there is no way t have good sex.
Sometimes when I have difficulties at work or have lower sex drive, I just tell him that he can always come to me and ask for oral or hand job session and I will be more that happy to do this intimate massage for him. I would really like to do that sometimes but he almost never asks for it. 
In general, he says that he wants sex almost all the time, but he doesn't give himself away. I can not see the signs of him wanting to have sex with me - he doesn't initiate sex often (I almost never reject him if he does), he doesn't start touching me in a sexy way etc. How am I supposed to know when he is just watching tv or doing dishes and when he thinks about sex doing the same things?

6. Last month I became pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy and we are both very happy. But now he told me he fears that our sex life will deteriorate even more. Even though I always told him that it is okay to have sex during normal pregnancy and fun it will be to have pregnant sex not having to fear of unplanned pregnancy. Since I found out about the pregnancy we had sex only once.

I really ask for your insights and advice. I do not want to have sexless marriage. I want this marriage to work and for us to enjoy each other until we are very old. 
How can I extend my own sexuality and heal my traumas?
How should I understand my husbands behaviour? (complaining about having not enough sex and not showing much interest in it at the same time)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, you've got a lot going on 




Arven said:


> Hello!
> 
> This is my first post and a new thread. Please don't judge me for that.
> I've been reading about marital sex problems for some time but I can't find an answer.
> ...


I think maybe his bubble got popped when you went through your depression. But how he responded is not your doing. Perhaps he did distance himself in order to support you and perhaps now he can't bring himself to bridge that gap. This is his work to do. Not yours.



> 2. I feel that I respect my husband less than I used to. When we started our relationship, we were both medical students. But after two years he changed his mind and left. I finished my studies and now work as a doctor. Since then he finished biophysics studies, but doesn't work in that field. He seems to have very low motivation in finding a proper work. He works now as a manager in a small bicycle shop. His income is low and working hours long. I know he could do more. His IQ is over 140. He is very handy and intelligent but just doesn't have motivation to change something. I try to encourage him... This lasts for about four years. Nothing what I try to do seems to work. And I feel like I am loosing faith in him and starting to loose respect. I had such high expectations of him... but he just doesn't give any effort.
> I tried to find out maybe he is also depressed. I tried to make him go to a counselor. But he just doesn't want. He tells me that he will try harder and everything will change. But that doesn't happen.
> It might seem to be unrelated to sex life. But for me it is. I somehow feel more attraction to successful and achieving men.
> Besides his career, my husband is very supportive in household, active, intelectual and very kind person.


I know several men who are super intelligent yet have zero drive or ambition. I have a personal theory about these kinds of men. Learning came easy to them, they never had to work to get it. As a result, they never learned TO work and expected everything to come to them as easily as their grades did. Not how things work in the grown up world.

So now your H is essentially a drop out, married to a doctor and can't support himself let alone his wife, (and your depression probably kick started all of this by popping his bubble about being able to make you happy.) 

Of course you've lost respect for him! Of course you're attracted to men for whom you do have respect. This is only natural. But what you do with this awareness is what separates the curds from the cream.




> 3. I had a quite traumatic childhood. My father was an alcoholic. I had to defend my mother from his (also sexual) aggression since the age of about 10. I have seen and heard my father raping my mother and threatening to kill us if she doesn't go to bed with him. He has never touched me, but had threatened to make me "vomit sperm" once. I had no normal sex education in my family.
> I blame this early experience for my sex fantasies being quite violent. At some time in my life (maybe 5 or 6 years ago) I started realising that my fantasies are not appropriate. I tried to change them but finally I just stopped them. Now I almost never have fantasies. Imagining normal sex doesn't turn me on, but I don't have brutual fantasied I used to have anymore too.
> I am on talk therapy for four years but I avoid talking about sex there. Don't know why. Until now I tried to convince myself that my sex life is fine.


I personally don't think we should ever deny the sexual thoughts that live in our heads so long as those thoughts aren't hurting anyone, or urging us to hurt. So what you have rape fantasies, so do 70% of other women. I think rape fantasies are more about being over powered by a man's desire for us and not so much about being violently abused. We can have all sorts of unacceptable sexual fantasies and we don't have much control over them. In your particular case, your husband is a bit of a passive lost man which is the direct opposite of a sexual fantasy man so *driven* by lust he over powers you with force.



> 4. My husband became crazy about anal sex. When we started our sex life together, we talked about what is acceptable for both of us. I told that I would like to try most of thins except maybe for anal sex, which seemed potentially harmful and not hygienic for me. I don't know if this forbidden fruit status has inspired him to be totally into anal sex but now it is most desired fantasy for him. Almost all porn he watches is anal. I general, I feel so unwanted when instead of trying to seduce me he goes for masturbating in front of the computer. Maybe he is addicted to porn?
> After two years of thinking finally one day I told him that I could try anal sex if it is what he desires so much. I also told that I might not like it and might not want to try it ever again but i still have to give this a try to be fair for my husband. This happened during just a common conversation and I expected him to offer me anal sex soon but he didn't. He just always claimed how much he wanted to try anal sex but never did a thing to actually achieve it. Even after I admitted I might try that. I really expected some action from him after that. Maybe he just wants to have an excuse and blame me for not being adventurous enough? Maybe he doesn't really want to try it with me?


Your husband is addicted to porn most likely. It's not that you don't measure up, it's him that doesn't measure up and with porn he gets to pretend he is someone else and not the looser bike shop manager with a 140IQ doing nothing with his life and can't please his wife.



> 5. My husband tells me that he thinks our sex life is boring and all the same. I do not know what is the norm. But we try every position we can bend ourselves in . We have two drawers of sex toys and use them. We have tried sex in water, hotels, car, camping tent, on the floor, in the shower, on the table, sport club changing cabin etc. I would agree to try most things he can offer but I must admit that I don't have such a great imagination for it myself. Maybe he expects me to take the initiative to my hands? I must agree that it turn me on when he is more initiative and expect that from him. Maybe we are both passive and just need more active partners? Maybe he expects sex to be like he sees in porn movies?


It doesn't sound as if your boundaries or passivity is the problem here. If he thinks your sex life is boring, what is HE doing about it? What does HE want? What are HIS ideas for spicing it up? Does he want more lust from you? Does he want you to do something or not do something? 




> For me the quality of sex mostly depends on our relationship. When I feel loved, desired and close to him, even simple things feel great. When I am angry or feel isolated, there is no way t have good sex.
> Sometimes when I have difficulties at work or have lower sex drive, I just tell him that he can always come to me and ask for oral or hand job session and I will be more that happy to do this intimate massage for him. I would really like to do that sometimes but he almost never asks for it.
> In general, he says that he wants sex almost all the time, but he doesn't give himself away. I can not see the signs of him wanting to have sex with me - he doesn't initiate sex often (I almost never reject him if he does), he doesn't start touching me in a sexy way etc. How am I supposed to know when he is just watching tv or doing dishes and when he thinks about sex doing the same things?
> 
> ...


Oh dear! The pregnancy has thrown a monkey wrench into this.

Your husband is lost and adrift and instead of looking to himself to figure things out he has turned away from you, toward porn, and is now blaming you for his unfulfilling life and unfulfilled expectations.

Get his ass into therapy. He needs individual, not marriage therapy. His porn addiction is, I think, a symptom of his own subtle depression.

You can't nice your way through this. You're going to have to hold his feet to the fire and put some teeth into your demands.

Last thing, don't keep those sexual issues silent during your own therapy. There is no reason to feel shame and keep them covered. Bring it all out into the light so that you can have a clearer picture of everything.


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## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

I am very grateful that you took care to answer me.

I try to convince my husband to go into therapy for quite some time. He "doesn't believe in it" or, in my opinion, tries to avoid meeting his true feelings. He has had quite a bad childhood himself and no good marriage example too. His parents got through rough divorce when was about 10 and basically nobody cared about him as a person later. His parents only tried to make him angry against each other. He lived with his mom who only cared about her new lovers. He used to be her emotional counselor and "the man in the house". He didn't rebel and was a good boy. I feel that now he wants to be that unresponsible child he could not be. 

You are right, he didn't have to learn at all. Most homework he would do between classes or in the bus. Nobody actually cared if he did his homework and where he was. 
When I watch his childhood pictures, his mom is all so elegant and beautiful and both her children dressed in oversized, washed out clothes. I feel neglect in those pictures though she claims she was a very good mother to her children.
His father was emotionally quite cold. He basically just gave them money. He cared about them but didn't know other ways to express love and was demonised in the eyes of his boys by the mother. 

I feel your views are right in many perspectives but it also makes me feel desperate. I can not change him unless he wants to change. I so badly want this marriage to work.

Howcome couldn't I notice those problems before? I could not let it come to my consciousness that my husband is not willing to change. I always used to tell myself that he only need one more year to mature. Before our wedding he told to his boss that he is looking for another job. And I was delighted that things are going to change.
I somehow had this plan in my head - studies, work, mariage, pregnancy. After I became pregnant I started feeling fear that my husband will not be able to take care of me and our children when I will be most vulnerable.
I felt so happy when I found out about the pregnancy but then suddetly the card house I built started coming down... 

Maturity was not easy for me too. I also felt resistance at becoming a responsible adult. But through depression and therapy I somehow managed.

And about my fantasies - now I realise that they were not so wrong or unusual, but somehow I can not bring them back. DH asks me often what fantasies do I have and feels angry if I say "none". But it is true. I believe I will manage to bring them back cause I almost feel ready to talk about sex with my therapist.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What you have to do is have fun together outside the bedroom.

All the problems you point to and talk about, you have to set these out of your mind. Example, you don't get to disrespect your husband's laziness after you a) chose to marry him and b) chose to make him the father of your child.

Your work with your therapist should be how you can bring fun into your life and how you can train your mind to stop thinking about the many negatives that are blocking you from realizing happiness.


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## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

Hicks, we have lots of fun together. We scuba dive, mountain bike, participate in multi challenge sports, make DIY projects for our home together. We like sciences and have many interesting discussions. 
We've always been not only lovers, but good friends. 

But I was feeding myself wrong hopes I guess. I thought that his beautiful mind would finally win against insecurity. 

You are right that I chose him with all his faults. And this is where I feel cornered. If I chose him, does it mean I should shut up and not share my feelings?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You built a house of cards and now they're tumbling down.

No, you're not stuck, not by a long shot!

First, fearlessly identify what you expect in A Husband. Not your husband but a husband in general. 
1. Does he work? Earn a certain living? Have ambition or balance work life and home life?
2. What do you expect a husband to do with his free time?
3. What do you expect a husband will do for his marriage, for his wife and for his kids?

Now look at your expectations and try to assess what are negotiable and what aren't.

You mentioned respect. Having respect for your husband is non negotiable. You must have that. Can you respect a man who hides behind porn? Can you respect a man who is aimless in his career? Most women can not so neither should you. 

Once you have defines your non negotiables, you take them to your husband with an ultimatum and a time line.

"Our marriage will continue to fall apart and we will continue to grow apart unless you...." Does he need therapy to be able to do.....? If so than the last thing on your list of demands is to get therapy.

Unconditional love is a croc pot of bullsh!t. You unconditionally love your children but your spouse must be in this marriage with you and that means they meet your need as you meet theirs.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hicks said:


> All the problems you point to and talk about, you have to set these out of your mind. Example, *you don't get to disrespect your husband's laziness after you a) chose to marry him and b) chose to make him the father of your child.*


Her husband is having too much fun already. Managing a bike shop and wacking off to porn all the time. Fun is not what this grown boy needs.

Yes, she does get to disrespect her husband for being lazy and aimless. She never signed on for a marriage that included her husband being addicted to porn while ignoring his innate intelligence to manage a bike shop! The dude clearly is allergic to hard work and delayed gratification!

When we marry, we expect both will continue to grow as people. We expect their to be bumps in the road, we expect times might be tough for a while here and there. But we never expect that one spouse will simply give up, beat off, and try to make a living from riding his bike!


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## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

After I wrote my first message, maybe first time in my life I started thinking "why did I need this marriage at all? why could I not wait with my pregnancy a bit longer?"

Today (after a night shift) I feel so tired and miserable. Maybe it all will not look so grim tomorrow. Everybody have their issues.

I imagined our future to be different. And is not only about the money. If I saw him trying and not succeeding, I would feel better. But when he doesn't even try... 

When I try talking to him, he falls silent. He says he feels I am attacking and criticizing him. There are no nice ways to tell how I feel because I feel disappointed in him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

There is nothing wrong in and of itself to be a bike shop manager.
Lets get that on the table.
Managing any kind of business can be taxing and challenging.
We should not minimize or demean a business manager.

Having said that, there is a valid concern if he is somewhat lazy and not fulfilling his potential. If he is working hard and motivated I wouldn't see this as necessarily a problem, but it sounds like he isn't and that's where the problem of respect lies, not in being a shop manager.

'Just getting by' is not admirable.

Men gain self respect by work accomplishment whatever their trade is. If your a doctor, be the best doctor you can be. If your a janitor, be the best dammed janitor there is....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Arven said:


> Hicks, we have lots of fun together. We scuba dive, mountain bike, participate in multi challenge sports, make DIY projects for our home together. We like sciences and have many interesting discussions.
> We've always been not only lovers, but good friends.
> 
> But I was feeding myself wrong hopes I guess. I thought that his beautiful mind would finally win against insecurity.
> ...


The first thing you posted, which I presume is most important refelcts a depression issue that is not on your husband to fix, but you owe to your marriage and your child to fix.

The second thing you posted includes the following "I had such high expectations of him... but he just doesn't give any effort.". When did this occur? Did you see him not giving this effort prior to marriage? You have to back off on your expectations that he will change. Sharing your feelings (i.e. "expectations" that he is unlikley to fulfill) is not productive to a good marriage unfortunately. 

The third thing is also completly within you. You have to rise above a bad childhood in order to lead a good life as an adult, and your marriage and your child depend on this.

Regarding your husband's desire for anal sex or less boring sex, you should tell him that he should figure out how to make anal appealing to you, and teach you how to make sex less boring, or shut up or leave you.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I know several men who are super intelligent yet have zero drive or ambition. I have a personal theory about these kinds of men. Learning came easy to them, they never had to work to get it. As a result, they never learned TO work and expected everything to come to them as easily as their grades did. Not how things work in the grown up world.
> 
> So now your H is essentially a drop out, married to a doctor and can't support himself let alone his wife, (and your depression probably kick started all of this by popping his bubble about being able to make you happy.)
> 
> ...


This is why I would never be with a woman who made more than me, their expectations are insane. This guy has a degree in biophysics, he isn't a drop out. So what he manages a bike shop? Last I looked a degree in biophysics doesn't exactly equate to practical employment. Does he love biking? Maybe he realizes life is short and at the end all the extra hours you put in, all the time making yourself crazy with stress will mean nothing. It isn't like he's an alcoholic on welfare and unemployment. He's gainfully employed and doing something he enjoys, maybe he wants to open a bike shop, maybe a chain of them with an online store, who knows? Maybe he'll go back to school and get a Masters in Education and teach school...

So she lost respect for him because he didn't want to be a doctor?

Poor husband, he'll never measure up to his wife in her eyes, probably millions of women who wouldn't mind him managing a bike shop with a degree in biophysics. Women can be so shallow and put forth such an impossible double standard.

Too bad you had a child, should've both cut your losses and moved on.


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## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

I really like all those different perspectives you all give me here.

The thing about a bike shop is that before that job he was unemployed for 1,5 years and not really giving effort to find a job. I had to work a lot with him just that he would take any job.

He is doing an excellent job in that small shop. He basically does everything there: from making orders to selling and fixing bikes. He goes to bike shows with the owner. He is the only one there with any kind of degree and the only one who can speak english. But his sallary is very small and half of it he gets in an envelope (illegally). It is quite common in our small poor country. But now that I am pregnant I came to realise that this gives us very small social guarantees and I will be so dependant on him soon.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's not the fact that he is way over educated for his job. Although that does indicate a certain aimlessness that I would find concerning. It's not the fact that his job is as a bike shop manager. 

When they got married, he expressed goals, correct? She followed her goals, he did not. Strike one.

She went through a depression, he distanced himself. She is better now, he is still distant. Strike two.

He is using porn for his sexual outlet and not his wife. Strike three.

He puts the burden on her to improve their sex life and she is willing, but he hasn't stepped up. What the hell does he want her to do, bend over and spread her ass cheeks for him, paint a bulls eye on her ass?

So we have an over educated aimless man, distanced from his wife, using porn, complaining about their sex life with a wife who followed her goals, is willing to spice things up and he......crickets....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

They have had a relationship for 10 years, married for 6 months.
I would say most of these problems were known prior to marriage. and Even more were known 2 months ago when the baby was conceived. The timing makes a huge difference to me. 
Women marry men thinking they will change, and men marry women thinking they won't change.


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## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

In favour for my husband I must say we used to have really good sexual relationships before my depression and some time after it. He was very supportive during my whole depression ordeal. But during that time it somehow happened that my problems became our problems and his problems his private matter. I can not him be more open to me anymore. 

Last year before my marriage while we were engaged our relationship deteriorated most. It was my final study year, my final exams, me looking for job. I was not so attentive to our relationships and to sex too. 

Talking about him changing - he was always promissing me that. He states he wants to change but he does not seem to do anything. 

I love him and want to help him. I am sure that better job would raise his self esteem and would be beneficial for our family. His boss is a very negative person. He talks bad or nothing. He does not like his job anymore. He would like something more creative and challenging. But he can not make himself do something about it.

I would not call him lazy. He does a lot at home. He helps his mother, father and brother. He does more in his job than is expected.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I know several men who are super intelligent yet have zero drive or ambition. I have a personal theory about these kinds of men. Learning came easy to them, they never had to work to get it. As a result, they never learned TO work and expected everything to come to them as easily as their grades did. Not how things work in the grown up world.



Hey, I resemble the remark above 

Pretty much spot on on all the comments.

I have to add that the type of job is not necessarily important but his perception of it is. Dropping out of med school to try science and end up running a bicycle store requires serious ego adjustment - and doctors / phd types generally have ego in buckets).

So he's looking his current role and does not like what he sees - his ego has tanked and he's following it to the bottom.

He needs to snap out of his shell and into the real world. Nothing against bicycle store managers, I'm an avid cyclist, but he needs to put this all behind him and go back to college or work where he can use his brain. 

Try fixing that first and you may find a lot of other things may fix themselves in the process. It's just a matter of triage.


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## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

John117, you have it right.
I realise that suitable job would change his self esteem and everything would move for better.
But I can not do that for him. He has to do that himself. 
I try to encourage him. 
I have discussed it with my therapist and I realised that I can not change him. People can only change themselves.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

You've already received great insight from many posters. It is true you cannot change him. However I also want to encourage you that whenever there are respect issues (or whatever issues are present), don't be afraid to drag them out into the open for discussion with him... GENTLY. 

Early on I made the mistake of avoiding uncomfortable discussions with my wife in order to spare her feelings. What I'd intended for good totally backfired and wrecked my marriage. 

You are on the right track. Good luck!

-seahorse




Arven said:


> John117, you have it right.
> I realise that suitable job would change his self esteem and everything would move for better.
> But I can not do that for him. He has to do that himself.
> I try to encourage him.
> I have discussed it with my therapist and I realised that I can not change him. People can only change themselves.


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## redrock (Oct 11, 2011)

I'm sorry you're struggling with intimacy in your marriage. Based on what you've shared about your past and how that's affecting you now, it does seem like counseling for these intimacy issues would be a good idea. Ideally, it would be good if you could both go see someone together and get these concerns out on the table. Also, there's a lot of good books out there on working through problems like these. So, if either of you are readers, finding something online or at the library might be helpful. But I really hope things start improving in your marriage. Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

redrock
#girlluvs2garden#


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You can try to "change him" by using subtle hints or mild manipulation about him going back to school part time or finding a job more suitable to his ideas... See what drives his ambition. 

But first you need to get him to recognize that long term what he's doing is not viable. Then address any depression type issues then figure out the future for the both of you. 

Make sure you paint a picture that involves both of you.


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## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

Oh, I have tried that many times. Sometimes gently and subtle, sometimes straightforward. Sometimes I can not stop myself from blaming him, which I regret later. 

Probably, for the most part our issues are not related to sex mainly. Maybe I chose wrong section to write.

Last couple of days we had wonderful sex. Funny is that he feels that he initiated it and I could swear that it was me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Not sure why you married him after 10 years and you are having a child with him. Now you want to change him? How does that work?

You can't have your cake and eat it... maybe if you accepted him for what he is and support him and love him, things will get better. To be honest, I never understood women who marry men and then want to change them...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Arven, your husband used to be emotionally open with you but now is not. He's very intelligent, but doesn't appear to be able to bring himself to apply his intelligence. He's unhappy with his job, but can't make himself leave it. He doesn't seem to be happy with your sex life, but doesn't seem to be motivated on what would help fix it. He does appear to love you.

The above things make me wonder if you weren't the only person going through a depression. I'm wondering if he wasn't going through it at the same time you were and still is. It can be very difficult sometimes for men to admit such things, even to themselves.


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