# wife hates job, we have debt that requires her income



## 20201

Hello everyone. My wife and I recently got married, and we just started our new jobs in a new town. Both our jobs pay quite well for people in their 20s, but there are 2 problems: 

Problem 1: She has come to the realization that she HATES her new job. She's more than competent in the technical aspects of her work, but is an introvert by nature and is exhausted by having to constantly be "on," having to present, lecture, and keep large groups of people in line. She came home early yesterday sobbing because she can't stand the pressure, and feels trapped because she can't leave the position without letting people down. We live in a relatively small community, and it would not be easy for her to jump into a similar position in town. My job also does not lend itself to easy relocation (requires expensive and time-consuming state licensure). 

Problem 2: Just before we started our new positions, we signed a lease on a high-end condo and bought two new cars, on the assumption that we'd have the two incomes. If we had our combined income payments would be easy and we'd have plenty left over. With my income alone, we could technically make the payments, but it would be unsustainable--a single emergency that required $1000 could make us unable to pay our bills. 

I reassured her that I'm hers no matter what, and that I'll support her no matter what her decision is. I mean it 100%. However, I couldn't reassure her in honesty that if she quit she wouldn't be letting me down. I want to encourage her to stick it out through the end of the year (maybe she'll grow into the position, or things will become easier as she finds her stride) but I also don't want her to be miserable--and selfish as it may be, I don't want her to harbor any bitterness toward me for being the reason she's in a miserable job. 

So basically I'm open-endedly seeking any advice about how to deal with this situation. Thanks in advance.


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## golfergirl

20201 said:


> Hello everyone. My wife and I recently got married, and we just started our new jobs in a new town. Both our jobs pay quite well for people in their 20s, but there are 2 problems:
> 
> Problem 1: She has come to the realization that she HATES her new job. She's more than competent in the technical aspects of her work, but is an introvert by nature and is exhausted by having to constantly be "on," having to present, lecture, and keep large groups of people in line. She came home early yesterday sobbing because she can't stand the pressure, and feels trapped because she can't leave the position without letting people down. We live in a relatively small community, and it would not be easy for her to jump into a similar position in town. My job also does not lend itself to easy relocation (requires expensive and time-consuming state licensure).
> 
> Problem 2: Just before we started our new positions, we signed a lease on a high-end condo and bought two new cars, on the assumption that we'd have the two incomes. If we had our combined income payments would be easy and we'd have plenty left over. With my income alone, we could technically make the payments, but it would be unsustainable--a single emergency that required $1000 could make us unable to pay our bills.
> 
> I reassured her that I'm hers no matter what, and that I'll support her no matter what her decision is. I mean it 100%. However, I couldn't reassure her in honesty that if she quit she wouldn't be letting me down. I want to encourage her to stick it out through the end of the year (maybe she'll grow into the position, or things will become easier as she finds her stride) but I also don't want her to be miserable--and selfish as it may be, I don't want her to harbor any bitterness toward me for being the reason she's in a miserable job.
> 
> So basically I'm open-endedly seeking any advice about how to deal with this situation. Thanks in advance.


Grown up world - she needs to find way to replace income before she quits. Even if it's not ALL of it, just large chunk so you can survive. Or together you brainstorm on getting rid of one vehicle etc (cable, cell phones) everything so making it on your income is affordable.
I hated my old job - shiftwork (early mornings to graveyard turn around), high stress (911) weekends and I job searched until I could replace income. I had no choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swedish

I can relate to your wife, somewhat. I am also an introvert and have had positions in the past that required me to give presentations and software demonstrations & instead sought out positions that were better in line with my strengths, but never outright quit a job without having another one lined up.

Is it possible for her to reach out to a superior at work and discuss other possible job options within the company? If not, maybe suggest she search online for jobs...sometimes just doing that can boost the spirits when you are unhappy at work & hopefully she can line something up before leaving her current position.


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## chillymorn

tell her to pull up her boot straps and keep on working until she finds another job that make the same money.


or she can sell her car and work at mcdonalds.


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## alwaystoblame

Perhaps she could look for another suitable position more behind the scenes. I'm not sure how much money she makes now, but taking a minor pay cut is better than a full one. It's sweet of you to consider her, but she assisted the decision to take on the debt and therefore is responsible to assist you with paying it. Keep us posted!


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## Runs like Dog

Suck it up, Princess.


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## Disposition

i agree, if she's unhappy, then she should look for something more suited to her strengths. she can't worry too much about letting down others (don't burn bridges though). or she can grow to like the job. she's going through a lot of different transitions now. she needs to try and organize priorities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 20201

Thanks for the replies so far. She just called in sick, and won't be going to work today. I was direct with her and told her I thought the move was dishonest and a shirk of professional responsibility, but that I'd stand by her and help her work it out. I understand it's very difficult to follow through with something you hate doing, but I told her she's extremely lucky to have any job at all in times like these, especially one that pays $60k+ at age 23. I asked her "can you do this job" and she just broke into tears and went back to bed. I have never seen her like this before. I don't like seeing her unhappy but I feel like she has a responsibility to keep her end of the bargain. 

I told her last night that she should find a replacement job before she quits, that makes at least $35-40k, or else sell one of the cars and break our condo lease. She just looked at me blankly for several minutes and then just said some non-word syllables. I don't know what to make of that.


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## Disposition

as you said, she's just really unhappy right now. as i said, she's going through a lot right now, new marriage, new home, new job...etc. that can be a lot for some people. maybe something happened at work that's making it harder for her? was she like this before you got married? was she unsure about the job before she started?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maccheese

20201 said:


> Hello everyone. My wife and I recently got married, and we just started our new jobs in a new town. Both our jobs pay quite well for people in their 20s, but there are 2 problems:
> 
> Problem 1: She has come to the realization that she HATES her new job. She's more than competent in the technical aspects of her work, but is an introvert by nature and is exhausted by having to constantly be "on," having to present, lecture, and keep large groups of people in line. She came home early yesterday sobbing because she can't stand the pressure, and feels trapped because she can't leave the position without letting people down. We live in a relatively small community, and it would not be easy for her to jump into a similar position in town. My job also does not lend itself to easy relocation (requires expensive and time-consuming state licensure).
> 
> Problem 2: Just before we started our new positions, we signed a lease on a high-end condo and bought two new cars, on the assumption that we'd have the two incomes. If we had our combined income payments would be easy and we'd have plenty left over. With my income alone, we could technically make the payments, but it would be unsustainable--a single emergency that required $1000 could make us unable to pay our bills.
> 
> I reassured her that I'm hers no matter what, and that I'll support her no matter what her decision is. I mean it 100%. However, I couldn't reassure her in honesty that if she quit she wouldn't be letting me down. I want to encourage her to stick it out through the end of the year (maybe she'll grow into the position, or things will become easier as she finds her stride) but I also don't want her to be miserable--and selfish as it may be, I don't want her to harbor any bitterness toward me for being the reason she's in a miserable job.
> 
> So basically I'm open-endedly seeking any advice about how to deal with this situation. Thanks in advance.


I am assuming you all got the notion of an emergency fund from a financial aspect from an expert like Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman. These experts also teach about living below your means. Is there a way to reduce you all's expenses by maybe getting cheaper cars? Planning on moving into a cheaper place when the lease is up. I don't mean to criticize, but I also hope a lesson was learned to not committ to expenses, especially high end expenses, BEFORE the income comes in. I do think that she needs to stick it out, but its possible that to find something that makes her happy (or at least keeps her from being miserable,) she may have to settle for lower pay (even if its just temporary until she find something else), but for you all to accommodate this, you all will have to adjust your lifestyle starting now. I've been a position where I was the wife unhappy with my job, but I had to choose, did I want a higher income and unhappiness, or was I willing to give up some things. Its great that she has your support. JMO


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## PBear

OP, how are things going?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zzyzx

Tell her she can quit the job now provided she agrees to the following actions:

First, sell both cars and buy cheaper ones. It will help if you can pay cash for the cheaper cars so that you have no car payments. Yes you will take a bath on selling a near new car before you get your money's worth out of it, but let this be a lesson. Also you can cut your insurance bill with cheaper cars. If the cars are old enough, you can go without the comp and collision part, just keep the liability.

Second, look at all your home expenses, see which ones you can cut. I'll suggest that Netflix can go and get your rental DVD's from Redbox. If you must have cable TV, try to get the cheapest package possible. Same with landline phones if you have one. Don't be using smartphones with data plans, stick to basic cell phones for voice and texting only. Shop for cheaper plans or even prepaid cell phones. Don't use the aircon or the heater too much. Limit going out for dinner to once a week at most. Brown bag your lunches. Clip coupons.

Third, if you can find someone to take your place at that condo, the landlord may let you move out without penalty. Then get into a cheaper place. Pronto.

There are lots of resources on the web for frugal living, peruse these and see what you can apply to your situation.

The point of the foregoing is to learn to live comfortably on one income (yours). Her income should be treated as a bonus to be saved, but could be spent on one-off items as they come up. You are both young enough to take this lesson to heart and move on from here. Do these things and you will be in a much better place 10 and 20 years from now. Especially when children come along.

At this point, she can focus on getting a lower paid job that she will enjoy more. Cannot assume her income for basic expenses because she might want children down the road.


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## robert1234

" I couldn't reassure her in honesty that if she quit she wouldn't be letting me down. "

Sounds like a recipe for resentment to me. I made the mistake of supporting my wife in this way, without having a clear path to her becoming financially independent. You have to be really careful in situations like this - what I would suggest is one of the following:

1. Tell her you feel like she'd be letting you down and that you'd be happier if she saved up a couple of months worth of salary so that you're not supporting her while she's looking for a new job

2. If it's really that bad and she needs to quit now, make sure you both WRITE DOWN a plan and timeline for finding a new job, financial expectations of each other, and brainstorm every 'what if' scenario you can think ok. e.g. if she can't find a job within 3 months - do you sell the cars, downsize etc. etc. What kinds of jobs is she prepared to take etc... May sure you both accept the what if scenaios, without resentment.

In my case, my wife flat out said she would not take a minimum wage job, even if we are in times of financial crisis. This helped the resentment grow even further as she was willing to put the whole burden on me and we were/are sinking.


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## AgentD

Hopefully she will find something that suits her better and makes her happy. No way would I stay in a job that I was unhappy at. I understand bills need to be paid, thats why hopefully she will move on to something else. Wonder if her working from home would be beneficial since she is a introvert?


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## michzz

Runs like Dog said:


> Suck it up, Princess.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

a man would never make the decision to take on debt and then walk away from a good paying job.

I can't speak for women.

However, financial obligations are a lifelong issue.

What happens when she doesn't like the next one?

It's called a job because it is work.

If she looks past her disinterest she'll find a cold hard world out there and not a lot of jobs.


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## Suemolly

I think if you so much as even "encourage" her to keep doing the job she hates, she will resent and blame you. All these negative feelings will spill over into your relationship, and then both you guys will end up very unhappy...and you know where that leads to. My humble opinion is that - if she does want to quit her job and money is gonna be a problem down the road, then you both as a couple will have to readjust financially. Try to live smaller and spend lesser. The lux condo will have to be sub-let out or something. She has to give up her new car and go on public transport until she decides to go to work again. You must try to make her understand that this is not a punishment, but an readjustment to the smaller financial resources you have as a couple now.


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## Atholk

This is a Fitness Test of epic proportions. You just bought a ton of stuff "together" and now she wants you to be the one to pay for it all.

If you fold up and let her have her way then you will be owned by her for the rest of your marriage. 

Her quitting on something as soon as it is "hard" is a major red flag too.

Don't get her pregnant until you have resolved this issue.


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## unbelievable

She needs to put on her big girl panties and drive on. Shockingly, most people go to work every day even though they don't get a warm, fuzzy feeling. It's called having obligations. She helped make financial obligations that required her income. I suppose you both can agree to downsize but if she wants "high end", she needs to get her hind end to work. She's got only the job she signed up for.


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## Just Dave

Did she recently discover that she was an introvert.

Is she a prison guard or in the military? I'm trying to think of the types of work would require someone to have to keep large groups of people in line.

Being the man, you need to start exercising your responsibility of being the head of your family. This is not an easy job and should not be taken lightly, but responsibly and decisively. I understand that you and your wife are young but if you keep on your current path you and her will be divorced at some point within the next few years. A blind man can see it.

I realize that today's misguided parents are raising their children with the notion that they should be denied nothing. Whatever little Johnny or Susie wants they get, so as to pacify them so mommy and daddy can play and go about their selfish ways in peace. But you're all grown up now and the world isn't going to treat you as kindly as mommy and daddy. Take our conversation here for instance, I'm not gently stroking your fragile ego am I? I'm talking to you in a manner that will hopefully cause you to think about your future and to consider changes that you are going to need to make or you will continue to make the mistakes you're currently making.

You and your wife are just starting out in life, yet you want everything right now that your great-grandparents probably had to work 20-30 years to achieve. You want a fine place to live, fine cars to drive and money to buy expensive but unnecessary toys. You want to start out on top and work your way sideways.

Have you not been watching the news? Do you not know that there are people smarter and more experienced than you out there that are losing their jobs, their houses, etc.? But what... this would never happen to you?

Friend, consider being a little more modest in your living and in your expectations. You need to rent a small modest apartment for much less than what you're currently paying. Find some way of getting out of your current lease and correct this before it's too late. Get rid of the new cars and buy older cars where the payments for both would be equal to or less that what you're currently spending on one car.

As someone suggested, get rid of expensive cell phones and get a Tracfone. Use it for emergencies and it'll only cost you about $8 a month for each person. that's $16 a month for the two of you. Forget cable TV (there isn't anything worth watching anyway) and high speed internet - use dial-up.

The two of you must live on way less that what YOU earn. You are the man in your family and you are expected to work and earn the money that the family lives on. Your wife needs to manage the household, setup a budget, pay the bills, turn your house into a home and one day - have and RAISE children. Did you catch the meaning of that last part? Archaic isn't it? That the ones that have the babies should actually raise the babies.

I know I sound old fashioned, but my wife and I have not had the problems that so many here have and are having. We've had hard times of course, but we manage them as they come along. This is because we entered into marriage as the commitment that it is, with both feet in. Today it seems people marry with one foot in and one foot out of the circle of marriage. They want to be married but they also want to keep their independence and their single way of life. How much more stupid can this be?

We also live smart. Not always as we would have liked but as we needed to. We would rather have money in the bank than a shiny car in the driveway to show off to the neighbors.

Your wife apparently has specialized skills. She should consider starting a home based business where she could still earn an income to help the two of you get out of debt, but not have to place herself under the authority of someone other than her husband. I don't think wives should place themselves under the authority of another *man, because if they have to choose between obeying the wishes of the husband or that of their boss... guess which one will be disrespected?

(*man - used here to imply both male and female.)

Your wife will not subject herself to you however, if you first do not prove yourself worthy of her trust. Forget what she says. She is a woman and women want and need to trust that their husband will be a man.

I know this was a sermon, but many people have tried this new way of living but it rarely if ever works. You can't expect to build a happy life together with each of you living your own life as though you were not married. Living together separately doesn't work.


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## Sameold

michzz said:


> :
> 
> a man would never make the decision to take on debt and then walk away from a good paying job.


Not true. Men are just as prone to stupidity as women. Maybe men do it for different reasons, but they will do this. Unless you mean man in the mature, responsible, adult sense as opposed to the biological sense.

It sounds like her income is mostly necessary for savings/emergencies. So perhaps you could suggest that she stay with that job until you have a certain reserve built up. How much reserve would you/she be comfortable having? Six months expenses? See if you can get her to name a number first: try something like "Sweetheart, I'm really concerned about you and want you to be able to leave your job. How much money do you think we need to have saved in order for you to safely do this?"
It also sounds like her job is making her physically ill. So something needs to be addressed. Maybe a change in work hours--she works Sat-Wed, her colleagues work Mon-Fri, would help if the issue is too much interaction. Having a set quit date (or semi-set--she quits when there's $25,000 in the bank) might help psychologically. She also might benefit from talking to someone about how to distance herself from coworkers and not care about their issues personally, not sure who the correct professional would be, but we all know those folks who manage to listen to others' sob stories all day and just let it slide off of them, and there's got to be someone out there making a mint off of teaching people who don't naturally do that how to.


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## FirstYearDown

Why do you need two cars? It's not like you have children. If work is accessible in other ways, I think two cars for a couple is an unnecessary luxury.

You can also find cheaper housing. It sounds like both of you make large purchases out of a sense of entitlement. 

Many people do not like their jobs. This is a reality of adult life; we all have to do things we don't like for a better result. 

I hate the field that I'm in, but I have no money to return to school and the government won't help with education costs due to my husband's income.  I try to get jobs in other fields, but I have no experience. Unfortunately, I need to have my OWN money in order to keep my independence, so I work.


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## michzz

Sameold said:


> Not true. Men are just as prone to stupidity as women. Maybe men do it for different reasons, but they will do this. Unless you mean man in the mature, responsible, adult sense as opposed to the biological sense.


That is exactly what I meant, as a mature and responsible adult.


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## tacoma

No way dude!

This is the real world, I`ve hated my job for 15 years but I get my ass up and in there every day.

I`ve got kids and car payments and a mortgage.

If you don`t put your foot down here you`ll pay for it the rest of your married life I promise you.

Tell her she goes to work until she finds another job.
Do not let her call in sick again.

Don`t let her be a princess now or she`ll be one for ever.

Introvert..bahhh!!

60k a year in her twenties and she can`t do it?

I would have taken a job that required having my testicles kicked every morning at the time clock for 60k a year in my twenties


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## 20201

Thanks for all the replies. She's decided to stick it out. 

I voiced my concerns about her leaving the position, and made a spreadsheet showing exactly what our finances would look like if she left (it was a grim picture, but it was clearly "doable"), but I made it clear that I would support her no matter what her decision was. We went to a marriage counselor together, and he actually encouraged her to leave. I voiced no objections, as I had already made my case, and I wanted the decision to be hers. She went back to work the next day, and apparently everyone was much more supportive that day. She decided to stay in the job at least for one year. She still says she doesn't love it, and doesn't think it fits her strengths, but says she can suck it up for a year at least, and then will try to find something that suits her better. But she actually seems a lot happier and balanced now than when I made my original post. I think one thing that has influenced her outlook is a bunch of her friends recently being laid off and unable to find anything afterward-- I think that drove home how lucky she is to have the option of working.


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## Zzyzx

20201 said:


> Thanks for all the replies. She's decided to stick it out.
> 
> I voiced my concerns about her leaving the position, and made a spreadsheet showing exactly what our finances would look like if she left (it was a grim picture, but it was clearly "doable"), but I made it clear that I would support her no matter what her decision was. We went to a marriage counselor together, and he actually encouraged her to leave. I voiced no objections, as I had already made my case, and I wanted the decision to be hers. She went back to work the next day, and apparently everyone was much more supportive that day. She decided to stay in the job at least for one year. She still says she doesn't love it, and doesn't think it fits her strengths, but says she can suck it up for a year at least, and then will try to find something that suits her better. But she actually seems a lot happier and balanced now than when I made my original post. I think one thing that has influenced her outlook is a bunch of her friends recently being laid off and unable to find anything afterward-- I think that drove home how lucky she is to have the option of working.


It's good that she is owning this.

Now you have the opportunity and the time to lower your cost of living over the next year so that you can make it more comfortably on your income alone. You have already received many useful suggestions in this thread. This will be absolutely critical should you decide to have children. Good luck!


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## 20201

She had another breakdown today. She just called me from the parking lot of her work, crying, telling me that she just couldn't walk in. I didn't know what to say. She had seemed fine for the past 2 weeks, though she had been looking online at other career options for next year after her current contract expires--which I totally support. I told her that we talked this over, and that we agreed that she would stick it out for a year. She just burst into more tears. I really want her to be happy, and it physically pains me to see her like this, but I just have no idea how to deal with this sort of situation. I can't leave my work to go tend to her--people will literally go to jail. If she wasn't my wife, I'd tell her to suck it up, but I believe that would seriously damage our relationship. We had both agreed that we wanted an equal-partnership-style, rather than heierarchical, marriage, because I've seen the "man in charge" approach utterly fail with my own parents.

Also, as a reply re: the two cars questions, we absolutely need 2 cars if we both keep our jobs, as they are 30 minutes apart from each other. I would be fine with cheaper cars (actually I have been the one generally pushing for more frugality in general; both the condo and the choice of cars that we have now represent compromises--they're more expensive than what I initially wanted and cheaper than what she initially wanted, but we were both happy with them when we decided on them).


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## COGypsy

Truly, as much as you want to "fix" things or "tend" to her, I would hazard a guess (though I hesitate to speak for all women!) that all she really needs is a sympathetic ear.

She sounds smart enough to know what the situation is and what she has to do. Even though sure, she might wish for a magic wand to make it all better, she likely knows perfectly well that it's not going to happen and she just has to get through the next 365 days or whatever of this contract. Lesson learned and all that. That doesn't make some days suck any less though. 

So when those bad days happen, as much as it hurts you, at least she trusts you enough to be vulnerable. And since there isn't an imminent solution, what she is probably only really looking for is something along the lines of "I know it's hard, but it's not forever and I know that you can do it" 

I had one of those kinds of disastrous-not-at-all-what-I-thought-it-would-be jobs once, and it took about a year, year and a half to get into something else. But I did it and survived, so I know where she's coming from. I knew the reality of the situation, but sometimes I just needed to vent and a little sympathy....


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## Zzyzx

20201 said:


> Also, as a reply re: the two cars questions, we absolutely need 2 cars if we both keep our jobs, as they are 30 minutes apart from each other. I would be fine with cheaper cars (actually I have been the one generally pushing for more frugality in general; both the condo and the choice of cars that we have now represent compromises--*they're more expensive than what I initially wanted and cheaper than what she initially wanted*, but we were both happy with them when we decided on them).


This bolded part is the real problem right there. Even if she agreed to the compromises, she was still the one with the expensive tastes that she now subconsciously expects you to pay for. 

I think you are about to discover that "equal-partnership-style" isn't going to cut it for this particular situation. You need to be the leader here, lead your relationship out of this while you are still in good shape financially. Don't let it slide. Hopefully she gets the lesson she needs to get from this, else I have little hope for you guys. Good luck.


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## badcompany

Sounds like a copy of my wife. Didn't want to wait for home prices to drop more before we bought and have now lost $50k in value and are further from our jobs than we should be, then she wanted a new car, and now doesn't want to work and hates her job....but we have too many bills to make it on one income without going on the top ramen diet.
Then you try to talk sense into them and you're the bad guy because your saying shes not worthy of having all these new things. This sense of entitlement really irks me.


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## tacoma

20201 said:


> *If she wasn't my wife, I'd tell her to suck it up,* but I believe that would seriously damage our relationship. We had both agreed that we wanted an equal-partnership-style, rather than heierarchical, marriage, because I've seen the "man in charge" approach utterly fail with my own parents.


Using my own parents relationship led me to more mistakes and wrong assumptions in decisions about my marriage than I can count.
You are not your parents.
That being said, you don`t need to be "In charge" you just cannot accept your wife using you in a manner that you wouldn`t even allow anyone else to.
Check the bolded above.

You do indeed have to tell her to "suck it up" but in not so many words.It can be done in a kinder gentler manner but must be done or you are laying a boundary for your entire marriage that is not acceptable to you.
THAT is what will ultimately damage your marriage.

I pissed around with this "equal partnership" bull**** for years getting deeper and deeper in debt until I snapped and put my foot down in a very aggressive manner.
It`s actually worked out very well since I finally laid out the financial boundaries that were acceptable to me.
I will indeed make compromises but not where our very livelihood is at risk.
When those situations happen I am in charge and extremely firm as she`ll destroy us if allowed to do as she wishes.
She actually responds well to it as if my taking control takes the stress of it away for her.


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## FirstYearDown

badcompany said:


> Sounds like a copy of my wife. Didn't want to wait for home prices to drop more before we bought and have now lost $50k in value and are further from our jobs than we should be, then she wanted a new car, and now doesn't want to work and hates her job....but we have too many bills to make it on one income without going on the top ramen diet.
> Then you try to talk sense into them and you're the bad guy because your saying shes not worthy of having all these new things. This sense of entitlement really irks me.


I don't understand women like this. While I have done my fair share of weeping over not having money, I have made enormous sacrifices because they were necessary.

I didn't have the wedding of my dreams, we eloped because it was what we could afford. I got my husband, so that is all that matters. :smthumbup:

We were supposed to be moving now, but I know that my husband's family missed him, so I postponed our move so that we could take a trip home instead. I can't wait to see where my husband grew up and finally meet my new brother in law and niece. 

I do not like lengthy drives, so we were going to take the one hour flight, instead of a 14 hour ride. However, our old vehicle stopped working, so we had to buy a new one. I compromised by agreeing to take the *long *car ride, instead of having to pay more than $1200 for plane tickets and rental car. 

Marriage is not always happy or easy, but spouses should do whatever they can to make life sweeter for each other.


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## heartsbeating

Would there be someone at her company that could perhaps provide mentoring to her? They must believe she's capable of the job if they hired her, and good companies will want to make sure they're getting the best out of their staff. Perhaps she needs to give them the chance to help and support her with specific aspects - obviously she'd need to present professionally and calmly though, not in tears and break-downs.

Another option might be for her to have an end-goal in mind. Maybe she CAN actually toughen up her mentality if she knows for example, this is just for the next 12months/ or until we have x amount saved/ gain x experience and move forward etc. So that in those moments when she's about to crumble, she can remind herself there's an end in sight that she's working towards. The adult rationality of having commitments might not be motivation enough for her to develop a thicker skin.

Forgive me if I overlooked how long she's been there but if it's a role that can help further her career or be beneficial down the track, and she can stick it out for at least a year then it'd probably be worthwhile for her. However .....if it really is above her head for where she's at right now and it's affecting her this much, then perhaps she ought to just cut her losses and start looking elsewhere (but have another job lined up before resigning). 

Everyone's different and I know my H and I are supportive of each other but I gotta tell ya, at some point or another we have told each other to "suck it up" and it's all good because we know that we have each others best interests in mind. I usually have a fairly thick skin at work but there was a moment last year: frustrating day at my new job, in a foreign country, and homesickness decided to hit in a big way. I had a brief melt-down in the bathroom, took a quick moment to get some air and phoned the help-line (aka my husband). He listened, told me to take a deep breath and then basically said "toughen up, you can do this." I missed everything and everyone familiar, I was feeling over it. But what he said was what I needed at that time and I forced myself into quick, calm composure. I knew I needed that job but hearing his words helped get me beyond what I was feeling. Make sense?


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