# Our life sucks



## stressedandhopeless (Jul 19, 2015)

This may be a bit long. I am 25 and my husband will be 27 soon. We have been together for 3 years, married for 1. Until recently everything has been pretty good but now we have hit a pretty rough patch. Several reasons:

1. My husband hates his job. Hates it with every fiber of his being. The schedule is grueling and often abusive (being made to work until 2am and then back in at 10am). He is the only one working right now to support me while I am in cosmetology school full time. My program is intensive, 5 days a week 8 hours a day like a full-time job. It is draining and stressful and I have another 8 months to go before I finish. Due to his schedule being different every week, we rarely get a day off together and when we do we are so broke it's not like we can do much. 

2. He is unable to really look for a different job as we have only one car and I need to take it to school which is much farther than his job, which is 5 minutes away. He takes Ubers to work but finds this inconvenient and demoralizing. We can't afford another car, let alone insurance and gas for two cars so getting another one is out of the question. We are left to try to make it work as best we can, which is very difficult.

3. He is from the UK where he did not need a car to get around and he is feeling like he's lost all independence as an adult, having to rely on me to take him for haircuts and stuff like that, when we can work it around my schedule. If I am ever irritable at having to take him somewhere when I'm tired and stressed from school and I think it can wait, he calls me selfish.

4. His degree is in political science and he feels it is completely useless and he will hate every job he ever has. He thinks, at 27, that his options have run out and it is too late to do anything with his life. He is incredibly pessimistic and hopeless about it and when he gets into a 'mood' about it, nothing I say can cheer him up or give him any hope and he becomes very quiet and cold and unaffectionate. Sometimes he is a bottomless pit of negativity and it is really difficult to be around. I struggle with depression and anxiety and intense negativity aggravates my symptoms and then we're both even worse off.

5. We live at my dad's house. My dad spends a few nights a week with his wife about an hour away but commutes to work down here so he is here 2 nights a week usually. We both absolutely hate it. We have no feeling of privacy or marital intimacy. My dad doesn't seem to care how uncomfortable it makes us and is aware that we are too poor to move out. He charges us $600 a month which is the absolute maximum we can afford. And the house is full of all his crap that my stepmom won't let him bring to her house and clutter the place up with. 

6. His job will not let him socialize with sales associates (he's a manager). So he has made zero friends in the entire time he's lived here. No one. I am all he has. He has a really close group of friends back home that he talks to on Whatsapp and he's heartbroken and disappointed all the time by all the fun things they're doing at home that he can't be part of. He is horribly homesick lately. 

We are stressed, sad, broke, and drifting apart from each other. I love him and he loves me but sometimes the misery of being at home is just soul-crushing. I feel like I ruined his life by bringing him out here. He has nothing and is totally stuck and it's my fault. I think he is deeply depressed and who wouldn't be in his situation? What do we do here? How can we make this better? I feel like I'm losing my mind and I've fallen into a bad depression recently as well and started going back to therapy. I just want my husband to be happy but it feels like there is nothing I can do for him. Please help.


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## nburd (Jul 17, 2015)

Your husband should pursue something he likes doing. Whether or not he intends it, his professional life flows into his person life. This happens to all of us. Do not let the lack of transportation be a factor in this decision. He will be have to make the decision to make a career change and then find a way to get where he needs to be. I guarantee it will require some serious effort and maneuvering but once he finds himself where he wants to be it will be worth it. 

You need to be ready to stand behind him and provide him with support and the two of you need to have a serious conversation about what you want your team (between the two of you) goals to be and in what timeline you want to achieve them. 

That's where I would start.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Is it possible for you to move to the UK with him? Normally I wouldn't recommend such a big change, but maybe his "support system" there would be good enough to make up for the dislocation.

Just a thought.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Do you think he wants to go back home? Where he has family and friends. Will he be able to find a job quickly over there? Where will you live if you move? Speak to him and ask him what he wants? He is feeling lonely. Be supportive , if he wants to move back home, let him know you support him. May be if he can hold on, until you finish your school. Then, you can move. Talk to him in an understanding, supportive way. Be the wife he can lean on. Remember your love for him. This time will pass, just hang in there.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I'm not doubting that your life is sucky right now. Being up against the wall financially does really suck. But this statement really jumped out at me - "He thinks, at 27, that his options have run out and it is too late to do anything with his life."

Life goes on for a long time, some periods of really good, some not so good. He needs to think long term, not just short term. Once you are done with school & have income, then he can find something different.

Colonel Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken when he was in his 60's!!

Colleges blow so much sunshine up people's asses about how much money they are going to make with a degree. People fail to see that they are all for profit entities and simply see students as revenue opportunities. Then when the degree doesn't work out, people get stressed.

Look around, are there any jobs in the area, hell, he might make similar amount of money being a bar bouncer, who knows. Do you go to church? It's a free way of getting to know people, some of them may be just the support structure your husband needs. Finding a job is usually who you know, not what you know.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I feel bad for you dad.
Poor guy has to share his house with two rather ungrateful people.

I find your husband odd. Why does he depend on you for taking him around for haircuts and stuff. God has given him to functional legs. He might as well walk.
Walking and exercise also helps make one have a positive nature. That might be very beneficial to him.


You are being stupid by blaming yourself for this situation.
You did not ask your husband to do this degree. His negativity seems to be rubbing on to you.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Patience grasshopper, life at 25 is supposed to suck.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

I do have some sympathy for you and your husband. Reaching out and talking to people is a good idea. You won't like everything they have to say but that is a part of life. You have to take the good with the bad. 

It really could be worse: You could be in Africa or Afghanistan living day to day waiting to starve or be killed. See you won't like everything people say. For example you sound extremely ungrateful that your father allows you to live in his house and he is only there 2 days a week. I don't know where you live but $600 hundred a month is fairly cheep for two people. If you think it is too high then move out and find your own place. Oh yea that's right money is tight and you have a roof over your head. I have three of my adult children living in my house. They pay rent and contribute to food and they work, go to school, etc. My point is that yes its tough right now. This too shall pass. IT will test what your really made of.

As for your husband. Sorry to here he is homesick and feels under employed. It is tough. But he chose to come here and he needs to man up and accept the decision he made. No one made him get a Poly Sci degree. No one made him leave his home country. Your in your 20s and life is supposed to be hard. It is what will bond you two together. Working and striving and sacrificing so that eventually you will build a good life together. 

All your comments and complaints are valid to some degree. But there are no guarantees in life. You are not entitled to prosperity and happiness. But you do have the right to pursue happiness. So the key is what will the two of you do about it. 

FYI: I married a young English girl almost 30 years ago. She was terribly homesick. Life was very tough for many years. We had 4 children by the time I was 29 and she was 27. We had $50.00 to spend after bills for two weeks, food and a small savings account. We also had a car payment and a mortgage. It used to cost $1.09 per minute to call England in the late 1980s. It can be done. 

You and your husband can look for a community center or local church to join free activity's and meet people. Your husband should go to a Salvation Army, Habitat for Humanity thrift store or a second hand store and buy a used bicycle to get around. MY 23 year son lives on his own, walks or bikes to work and its tough but he is doing it while he saves for another car (Long story on that but the Bank of Dad is closed). He will survive and he will learn from his experiences. Its about making choices and living with the ones you've made. 

So what are you going to do?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I understand life is tough, but it's not horrible. 

Your dad is nice enough to give you a place to live, where he could have told you that you are a married adult and need to support yourself. It is his house, his rules. You need to respect that this is his home and stop complaining about it. If you are truly unhappy, then look for low income housing or renting a place with another person/couple. That is your decision to make, but stop acting like your dad is some horrible guy. 

As for your husband. He chose that degree, which was not the best in my opinion, but it was a choice he made. Although, even with that degree, it should not make a huge difference. Most people don't stay in the same field as their degree and will do something different. He really needs to get online and start applying for other jobs. It's not like he can apply in person, as all companies make you apply online. Have him put his resume on Monster, Careerbuilder, Linkedin, and so on. Many companies do phone interviews too and there are plenty of ways for him to get to an interview on his own without you driving him there. 

Sit down with your husband the next time you are both free and start getting things done. Help him make his resume better, get it online, and have him start applying for jobs. 

Good luck


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Yes, your life does suck - but you can fix it. 

First - recognize how young you are. Most people like me in their mid 50's would be happy to trade our wealth and careers for your youth. We know just how much life there is ahead of you when you are 25. 

Why are his job hours so long? 16 hour days are really unusual. 

You need a plan, but first you need a goal. 

He is a political science major. I don't know anything about that field - what sorts of jobs does that lead to? Does he still want to work in that field, or in another? 

He needs to get away from a 16 hour a day job. You don't need a car for job shopping - you have internet. He can take uber to interviews if needed.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

The OP seems like a very kind woman. Some of the replies seem less generous. 

I wonder if they would condemn so much if it was an American woman who moved to Englsnd, to live in her Father--in-law's house and pay the bills to put her husband through college? I suspect if the situation was reversed, such a lady would be seen as a martyr.

Your husband's life does suck. There is a psychology to happiness, but I suspect all you can do is being loving and try to treat him as kindly as you can.

I hope you made a wiser choice of degree (he was 17 when he chose it) and your consideration for him is touching.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

This sounds like a very hard phase and I disagree how some comments says how they are not in worse situations, as worse scenarios existing doesnt mean they can't be affected.

OP your husband is still young, currently IT field is absorbing many people from different fields who are having a hard time finding employment and are willing to change their career paths. He could try to join HR in IT companies, or project/business managers, or even learn to code if he finds it interesting.

When facing a situation, sometimes it's about how creative it is to imagine alternate ways to solve it.

Also, marriage is not always roses but keep in mind that if you can get through a difficult phase together, your bond becomes much stronger and you'll learn how to deal with things as a team. Not many couples survives difficult phases, but doing so will create something very special between you.


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