# Deperssion and sex



## mikeqwe (Jun 24, 2009)

Hello to everyone who reads this give you a bit of background both me and my wife are 37 been married 15 years and have 4 children. And guess what the problem is .
We have sex about once every 3 months sometimes a lot less , other bits of out marrage is going ok we talk lots and when we can we go out to see a film or for a meal money is tight but when we can afford to go out even for a coffee we do . I dont do it so I can make love to my wife I do because I know it is important to do and I like spending time with her. Also im the one that has to initate a hug or a kiss most time's. And if Im honest most of our fights have been over this me getting frustrated etc and I know it dont help but it is very hard to turn of and stop. I do try and step back and not put her under any kind of pressure but its about 50/50 when that works or I snarl something :S 
My wife has had depession and still everynow and then suffers from it she is also on porzac. I know that because of this she has a much lower sex drive than I do and I feel selfish for even feeling the way Ifeel sometimes but if there is one thing we fight about or get cross wires about it is this and Im just asking if anyone else is in the same boat.
When it does happen it is good I just wounder if anyone has any ideas about what I can do to help my wife and myself .
Thanks for reading sorry if not all of it makes sense


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Look at changing her meds...there are some meds that actually help libido (Wellbutrin) or can be taken in combination with the other meds to level the playing field out.

Talk to her doctor and see if something can't be found to help this part of things...

Other than that, you have to be patient and no push too hard. You might try setting the mood too...romantic night...be creative, maybe recreate her favorite vacation spot in the living room or memories of a time, place or event that really got things rocking.

Preacher


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

The best thing you can do is find out what she is depressed about, and see if it has anything to do with you. Depressed or not, you have to face the fact that she is not very physically attracted to you right now. If she were, she would want sex.

As I have often said, resentment is usually at bottom of a wife not wanting sex: Sexless Marriage?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

In this case MT, I have to disagree a bit. 

From a women's health site:
Prozac: Side Effects for Women


> "My libido is down and I've recently started taking Prozac. Are the two related?"
> 
> Yes, decreased libido or sex drive is a very common side effect of this popular drug. In fact, 11% of patients, both male and female, reported this symptom. There are several other side effects in women as well.
> 
> You might consider switching to Zoloft. It has a lower side effect profile, overall. Although it does still have the problems with decreased libido, it is possible to get around this with Zoloft. Because it stays in the body a shorter amount of time it is possible to take a "drug holiday." If you discontinue the drug for a weekend (2-4 days), your normal sex drive and response will return, quickly. The drug can be resumed after short periods without a loss of clinical effectiveness.


Sure there could still be resentment issues, but with prozac in the mix, it is impossible to tell for sure.

I guess a question would be, did you notice a drop in her libido when she started taking prozac? (or does that pre-date your relationship?)

I'm with JD...ask her doctor about other med possibilities. The site I quoted mentioned Zoloft as well.


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## mikeqwe (Jun 24, 2009)

thanks your replys we have talked about this alot and she is thinking about going to the doctors to see if she can change her meds but I dont want to keep pushing about it. As for resentment we have spoken about this side of our marrage lots and as far as she knows she does not feel that kind of emtion towards me at this time not saying its not there but if it is must buried very deep that even my wife dont know about it


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## mikeqwe (Jun 24, 2009)

To reply to your question DownBut not out its is imposible to really know has she has had depression of on and on most of her life but as these go she had a higher drive early on in our relationship but it was up and down then she had a bad depersseion illness where it all came out so to speak and still dealing with it now and when she went on prozac it did drop but then when dealing with depersseion thats hardly a big surprise but it never seems to have recovered we still every now then it seems to kick in for no reason that either of us really guess at we just go with it when its there but there are rare(hope that makes sense)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mikeqwe said:


> As for resentment we have spoken about this side of our marrage lots and as far as she knows she does not feel that kind of emtion towards me at this time not saying its not there but if it is must buried very deep that even my wife dont know about it


A lot of women won't simply come out with the truth just because you asked. But given her depression issues, then yes the situation is more complex. However, with many depressives, there is a tape playing in there head over and over like a stuck record. If you could find out what's on the tape, you could really help her.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Is she in therapy at all? My H has battled depression for most of our relationship (though, in the first few years, could never put a label on it). It has caused him to really spiral out of control on several occasions, the last round about did our marriage in. Being married to a person with depressive issues, I can tell you that while SOME triggers may be related to your relationship, there are prolly going to be a LOT of underlying issues that have little to do with you, but that will shape your relationship simply because they shape the way your wife thinks about herself, her self worth, and her ability to be a good wife and lover. My H's issues stem from his childhood, but he never really understood the root of it all until he got into therapy. 
My H is on Wellbutrin, and it is a WONDERFUL fit for him. Celexa was horrid....he's never tried Prozac, but I do know that it does have a lot of sexual side effects. My H has been on WB for about 6 weeks now, and our sex life is once again back to normal (which for us, is 5-6 times a week). He is clear headed and really able to focus and understand his issues and his triggers, which means no more running away or thinking the grass is greener on the other side when he begins to feel overwhelmed. For him, Wellbutrin has been an awesome fit...for me too, since for the first time in a few years, i feel Like I have the man I love back...not just a shell that I have to tiptoe around. 
The only other advice I can give you is to try to understand that your wife's despression has little to do with you, even though you bear the brunt of the backlahs from it. She would not choose to be the way she is if she could help it. Try to be supportive, let her talk when she feels like it, give her her space when she doesn't. If she is not in therapy, it might really help her to understand her situation. Good luck!


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## tdr64am (May 2, 2009)

The suggestions regarding the meds are very good ones. A doctor prescribed some paxil for some anxiety several years ago and it had a major effect on my sex-life. I spoke to the doctor who then switched me over to effexor and things returned closer to normal.
Unfortunately all of the current anti-anxiety medications have some effect on libido. When a pharmacutical company markets an anti-depressent without these side effects, the world will beat a path to their door. Until then, we all do the best we can. Good luck to your wife and good for you for trying to be as patient and stand-up as you are being.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Everything people are saying about different brands of antidepressant affecting libido differently, is true. However, many people take antidepressants so that they don't have to deal with the issue that is depressing them. 

Other people start on pills during a crisis, but forget to come off them once the crisis is past. A huge number of people fall into this group. How often does the doctor ring up and ask "Have you thought about coming of the pills now?". 

It makes me very sad.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Could not agree with MT more. 

Further, the history of her depression as well as traumatic events being _resolved_, is SO important. When it started, the fluxuations in it. A time line of events vs her symptoms. 

You and your wife sound like me and my dh at the same age.

I was the "depressed one". We finally discovered, through years of analysis of my depression that not only did I have PTD with depressive symptoms but also am very susceptible to SITUATIONAL depression. After dealing with the PTD, which tends to also cause one to be susceptible to situational depression, we learned to deal with depressive triggers; and stressers are very closely correlated to depression - since stress can often trigger depressive episodes.

One of my triggers for depression was being stuck at home with four kids. Another was stressed out due to all the overwhelming things four kids need and demand. So we had to get regular alternatives to me being stressed out over day to day issues caused by FOUR kids. I was exhausted all the time and feeling isolated. Another was my dh not paying enough attention to me because he just didn't think to do so when he was at work. This is part of the stress due to isolation.

Now. As far as the sex goes. Depression meds nearly ALL cause women to go off of sex, and all eventually causes ceasing of the ability to orgasm. I have heard this time and time again from women, that meds, such as Prozac and (eventually) Welbutrin will cause a woman to be non-orgasmic. 

Personally, I found that the Welbutrin did not cause it as quickly, but after months of this drug, it does tend to "numb" the electrical system in the female parts to brain messaging department. Orgasm ability isn't totally gone, but it became so difficult to have one, the end result was more DEPRESSION at the _*idea *_no orgasms! A vicious circle if there ever was one! 

For me, I had to go off ALL the meds BECAUSE I just can't live without a sex life and orgasms. No can do! SO, I had to figure out the stressors (besides the darn meds) that could be controlled. My dh helped a great deal with this, because he wanted sex as much as I, so he was a great detective and helped solve much of the problems when it came to WHY no sex from me.

SO: #1 you need a good therapist to help find out why she is depressed. Just throwing meds at a depressed person is often NOT the solution. Stress of feeling overwhelmed, isolated, over worked, is often the cause of depression.

I recently found one of my stressors regarding "no sex". That is, is IF I am overweight. If I am overweight I don't feel sexy so won't have sex. My dh was just astounded, as he thought I looked "fine"! Well, if a WIFE does not FEEL as if she looks sexy and "fine" all the talking in the world from her dh is NOT going to make her feel better. SHE has to be the one to approve of herself. SO, my dh agreed the $85.00 for a gym membership offered me the ability to change that AND get out of the house without kids..me time, and time to drop weight and feel better about myself.

I've not been on depression meds for about four years, lost 30 pounds, and things are much better, but we are still working on stressors, because life is just full of them, and they trip up people who have a tendency toward depression, like your spouse.

Hang in there, there are solutions.


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## mikeqwe (Jun 24, 2009)

Thank you for all your replys sorry it has been a little while but life has got in the way  my wife has been fighting with her weight all her life she is a bit of a comfort eater she is trying to get though this, by joing slimming world and it has helped but not solved the issue . She has been to counsling and had joined a group called art therpy which she enjoyed but again helped but not sloved the problem which is to do with her realtionship with her parents and her past. We know what the problem is as such but not quiet how to deal with it just yet. As for prozac both me and my wife feel that she become almost or if not already addicted to it as if she miss's one day she goes down. And has been on a good few years now . I have talked to her about going back to the doctors to chat about this etc but so far no go.
On the plus side she has a part time job which gets her out of the house a job she likes and she enjoys working with the people she does work with.So now at least she has a life out side of the family she also has joined an small art group which she enjoys.


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## bpk (Dec 22, 2009)

I have a similar situation...sex just gets fustrating due to my wife's inability to have an orgasim. She is on Paxil and is depressed do to mother issues. She is getting help and is getting better, but its slow. Its a nasty cycle, without the pills, she is inactive, the pills keep her going, yet she gets fustrated due to the weight gain and no orgasims. I say keep plugging along and continue to help your wife get the support she needs. It feels hopeless some times. Just make sure your taking time for yourself... Making sure your healty and mentally good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kansasman (Dec 20, 2009)

she needs to change her med. 
wellbutrin XR is used for depression at the same time it will increase her drive.


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