# Husband's birthday outing w/o me



## optimistic1234 (Jun 29, 2014)

Dear Forum folks,

I am writing to ask about a situation I found myself recently and just thought it was a little strange.

It was my husbands birthday and his brother had planned for a brewery tasting so me his brother his friend and him (hubby) went. The event was from 12-6 but when we got there it was 1 and we stayed until 3:30ish. I guess the sun and booze really got me tired and I 'ujjed' (is this a word?) him to go home. The heat was just so hot that day and I was beered out. I figured hubby felt same cause when I got a feel to how much he wanted to stay on, it seemes (to me) like he was also ready to move on. So everything is great and we get home and he says he wants to go out with his friends. I say to him, why don't we relax and go for a romantic dinner together. I being his wife and all should come priority to his friends, no? We are even newly weds so there should be even more effort on his side. anyways so he says he wants me to come too and wants to go out (I am sooooo tired and sunbrunt, no more drinking for me please I say and let him go). In my heart I feel like he prefers his friends over me. Its a special day so he should be with me right? He says it is HIS bday and he is allowed to choose what to do, and had invited me. BUT i dont really feel up to it with my tiredness and all and ESPECIALLY cause I hate hanging out with 6 dudes from 7-1am. He came home at 12:30 am but I was a little hurt and angry at him cause I thought he would come home earlier to be with me...I hate staying home alone while he goes out esp since it was his bday. I want to spend time with him all the time and he needs his space where I feel we are incompatible.

Am I wrong in this situation to feel he should spend bday with me his wife vs. friends?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think you're taking this a bit too hard. He DiD spend the day with you, celebrating ion a beautiful day, having a great time.

He was respectful to you when you said you had enough and it was time to go home. But he wasn't feeling tired or sick of the heat like you were. His friends still wanted to party and so did he.

I think you should cut him some slack on his birthday. If this happened all the time, yes, be upset. But one birthday celebration shouldn't get you so paranoid to worry he doesn't want to spend quality time with you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yeah I don't understand your being upset. He wanted to go out and party for a bit and he didn't exclude you he wanted you to come. You didn't feel up to it so he went with his friends. He did spend much the day with you so why would this upset you?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm not sure why you're upset either...can you explain a bit more? What do you feel he did that was wrong?


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## optimistic1234 (Jun 29, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I'm not sure why you're upset either...can you explain a bit more? What do you feel he did that was wrong?


Well, we had a fight about a comment his friend made about a girl and when my hubby saw me approach he said shhh to his friend. I asked him what his friend said aside later on and he said it was about a girl and he knows how upset I get about it so he said shh. I asked what the comment was and he said its not my business and you dont need to know. Thats makes me feel like he is not on my side. i think he should be honest with me and not hide anything. I would not blame him as his friend said it. So we got into a little bit of a wierd mood cause of that so when we came home, there was tension. He then states Im going out tonight btw, and I think he is joking cause we just got back and he didnt even ask me whether or not I want to go out or where. Then he started playing video games. I went on the computer. After a while we started talking again and I am in bed and asking him if we can go to dinner together and celebrate on or get a drink. I want to spend time with him in his bday and I want him to make me priority cause he can go out with his friends any other day. But it is clear to me he likes the company of his friends more than his wife. He says no I want to go out but I want you to come too (this is a formality, he doesnt really care that much). When I say im tired he says okay babe, I wont get drunk (also mind you the crowd is a bunch of dudes and the conversation topic is really boring for me always yet I spend time with his friends in other occasions). If he really wanted to do a party thing, he could have coordinated a few days or week in advance and I could have invited some people whom I get along with too (like a few girls). That was the situation.

I just feel like he is very righteous to be like its my bday and my plans when I am his wife and also need to feel comfortable in the plans to some extent.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

optimistic1234 said:


> Am I wrong in this situation to feel he should spend bday with me his wife vs. friends?


Yes, you are over-reacting. I am guessing that you are in your early 20s, married less then a year, didn't live together before (or long) before marriage?

As others have said, he did spend time with you on his b'day, he did ask if you wanted to go out again so he is not excluding you or pushing you away at all. It is completely reasonable for him to want to go out with his buddies on his birthday and he still got home fairly early at 12.30 rather then stumbling in drunk at 4am.

If you always do the 'friends or me' with him, I can tell you now you'll fall lower and lower on his list of priorities as time goes by. Give him some freedom, just because you're married doesn't mean that he has to give up his friends or outside interests and be with you every spare minute, otherwise he'll feel smothered and run the opposite way to what you want.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm just curious why you were the only woman invited. Do the other guys not have wives or GFs? Are all your husbands friends single? 

I can understand how it would be slightly weird to be the only woman trying to hang out with the wolf pack of drunk guys going out to party.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have to be brutally honest; you sound very young and self centred. You don't yet understand what it means to truly love someone. You can't force them to want to be with you. You shouldn't put on pouts when he doesn't give you what you want on his birthday. Consider his feelings more. Try to imagine being in his shoes. He sounds young and still at that point in life where going out and drinking is his idea of a great night. You were invited but didn't want to go, that's fine. Don't sulk about it. Accept you are young, he is young, you're both still selfish and immature about love and life. He's focused on his pleasure and you're focused on wanting him to fit this romantic profile of a man who would cast aside everything else to spend one minute with you. The good news is that you'll hopefully both grow out of it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

optimistic1234 said:


> Well, we had a fight about a comment his friend made about a girl and when my hubby saw me approach he said shhh to his friend. I asked him what his friend said aside later on and he said it was about a girl and he knows how upset I get about it so he said shh. I asked what the comment was and he said its not my business and you dont need to know. Thats makes me feel like he is not on my side. i think he should be honest with me and not hide anything. I would not blame him as his friend said it. So we got into a little bit of a wierd mood cause of that so when we came home, there was tension. He then states Im going out tonight btw, and I think he is joking cause we just got back and he didnt even ask me whether or not I want to go out or where. Then he started playing video games. I went on the computer. After a while we started talking again and I am in bed and asking him if we can go to dinner together and celebrate on or get a drink. I want to spend time with him in his bday and I want him to make me priority cause he can go out with his friends any other day. But it is clear to me he likes the company of his friends more than his wife. He says no I want to go out but I want you to come too (this is a formality, he doesnt really care that much). When I say im tired he says okay babe, I wont get drunk (also mind you the crowd is a bunch of dudes and the conversation topic is really boring for me always yet I spend time with his friends in other occasions). If he really wanted to do a party thing, he could have coordinated a few days or week in advance and I could have invited some people whom I get along with too (like a few girls). That was the situation.
> *
> I just feel like he is very righteous to be like its my bday and my plans when I am his wife and also need to feel comfortable in the plans to some extent.*




As another poster suggested you sound young and immature. I would bet that when YOUR Birthday comes around you would expect him to rank and file with anything you wanted to do because it's your birthday. This is selfish and one sided. You are his wife not his mother and I would suggest you treat him as such before you find yourself as an x wife. Trying to communicate that you want to spend time with him isn't the issue here. It's that you expect him to cater to you for his birthday that is ridiculuious.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

my guess is that before you got married, he enjoyed long drinking sessions with the guys. Even though you are now married...he is not ready to completely give that up and wear an apron. So...drink with him what you can, then switch to water or soda, bring a BIG HAT next time to shield you from the sun. 

It was his birthday...in my mind birthdays give the spouse special permissions to choose and decide what they want to do. You are kind of along for the ride.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Yeah it looks like you were a passive participant but then every time you weren't having fun you tried to change what he wanted to do. You were that annoying wife tugging at her husbands sleeve to leave early. 

Next year wife up and take charge of your rightful place. YOU SHOULD PLAN his entire birthday around things he likes. Invite his friends and control the schedule. Treat him like a hero and a king on his birthday and I guarantee you'll be the focus of his attention.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have a different view than the other responses.

I would also want my husband to choose my invitation to take him out to dinner and/or for a drink on his birthday. He refused the invitation from his wife, and chose drinking with the guys instead. I'd feel badly, too.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I have a different view than the other responses.
> 
> I would also want my husband to choose my invitation to take him out to dinner and/or for a drink on his birthday. He refused the invitation from his wife, and chose drinking with the guys instead. I'd feel badly, too.


Does the same apply looking the other way? On your birthday, is he allowed to chose what he wants to do and you are forced to go along with it? Some how I tend to think not.

To the OP - this is where you need to learn the valuable art of compromise. In this situation, set up two celebrations. One for the two of you, perhaps on the actual birthday, where you can spend time together like you want. The second can be on the weekend, where you plan a get together with his friends and their significant others to go do something he would like to do with his friends. 

Right now, you set him up with a test and he failed because he did not read your mind. That is not fair.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> _Does the same apply looking the other way? On your birthday, is he allowed to chose what he wants to do and you are forced to go along with it? Some how I tend to think not._
> 
> To the OP - this is where you need to learn the valuable art of compromise. In this situation, set up two celebrations. One for the two of you, perhaps on the actual birthday, where you can spend time together like you want. The second can be on the weekend, where you plan a get together with his friends and their significant others to go do something he would like to do with his friends.
> 
> Right now, you set him up with a test and he failed because he did not read your mind. That is not fair.



This is a excellent question. So when your spouse has a birthday you get to make all plans for him? He can't decide himself what he would like to do for his own B day?


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

In short, yes, you are 100% totally and completely wrong, and in my eyes, you're acting like a spoiled brat. It was his birthday, he asked you to come along, you didn't want to - END OF STORY. 

Whispering about other girls and telling his friend to hush up because he knew it would upset you is TELLING you the guy's thinking about your feelings - geez. He didn't want you to be upset about something, so he shut his friend up. 

You cut his beer tasting party short because YOU wanted to go home, and now you're upset because he didn't want to stay home with YOU on his birthday. Can you see where this is a lot more about YOU than it is HIM? :scratchhead:


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## optimistic1234 (Jun 29, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> [/B]
> 
> As another poster suggested you sound young and immature. I would bet that when YOUR Birthday comes around you would expect him to rank and file with anything you wanted to do because it's your birthday. This is selfish and one sided. You are his wife not his mother and I would suggest you treat him as such before you find yourself as an x wife. Trying to communicate that you want to spend time with him isn't the issue here. It's that you expect him to cater to you for his birthday that is ridiculuious.


No not at all. I invited my friends and all his friends for an outing so he would also have fun and arranged it in advance so people would show up. Just because he has friends who live in the vicinity and are close to him, he just decides to go out without me, knwoing they all a bunch of SINGLE DUDES. No one has gfs or wives.


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## optimistic1234 (Jun 29, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Does the same apply looking the other way? On your birthday, is he allowed to chose what he wants to do and you are forced to go along with it? Some how I tend to think not.
> 
> To the OP - this is where you need to learn the valuable art of compromise. In this situation, set up two celebrations. One for the two of you, perhaps on the actual birthday, where you can spend time together like you want. The second can be on the weekend, where you plan a get together with his friends and their significant others to go do something he would like to do with his friends.
> 
> Right now, you set him up with a test and he failed because he did not read your mind. That is not fair.


His bday was Saturday..on the day..he wanted to go to this brewery event and so I did for the afternoon/dayy whatever you like to call it. He had to drive so he couldnt get wasted, I offered, he declined..what can I do..and why do you need to get wasted anyways to have fun. So when we got home the fight about the chick got us in a tangle and before I could suggest a nice romantic dinner after REST, he made plans with his friends. But he would rather go out with his friends than be with me anyway.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You need to mature your thinking that being married means you're joined at the hip for the rest of your natural lives. He wanted to go celebrate with his single friends. You didn't. You've got to learn to let go, smile, give him a kiss, tell him to have a great time & be safe and see him when he gets home. Put away the jealous thoughts that he only belongs to you now that you're married.


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## optimistic1234 (Jun 29, 2014)

bild-a-loco said:


> In short, yes, you are 100% totally and completely wrong, and in my eyes, you're acting like a spoiled brat. It was his birthday, he asked you to come along, you didn't want to - END OF STORY.


ok fine maybe he was right on this. but I still feel he didnt need to plan it in spur of the moment because i want to go with him but i am the only girl so if he could just plan a few days in advance i could have invited some people i actually get along with vs. conversations i dont even understand.

[/QUOTE]Whispering about other girls and telling his friend to hush up because he knew it would upset you is TELLING you the guy's thinking about your feelings - geez. He didn't want you to be upset about something, so he shut his friend up. [/QUOTE]

Yes but i asked him what he said and he said its none of my business, i dont need to know. why? we have had history on this topic and knowing it makes me feel better cause it clears my head, he could have told me. in the past hubby used to talk too btw, got me a while to get him to understand thats disrespectful in a marriage...

[/QUOTE]You cut his beer tasting party short because YOU wanted to go home, and now you're upset because he didn't want to stay home with YOU on his birthday. Can you see where this is a lot more about YOU than it is HIM? :scratchhead:[/QUOTE]

Um I didnt really.All I said is when you thinking of leaving? No, 'i want to go home now' or anything like that. They were also under the sun drinking so they also wanted to go soon. Maybe he would have stayed half hour more but they were drinking from 1ish to 4ish non stop beer...so you can see that hubby (driving) prob shouldnt have stayed longer anyways. BUT i guess i could have shut my mouth and let HIM decide to leave. I need to learn more about this politics in marriages and grow up more. That way it would have been like HIS idea and couldnt point fingers at me. I agree.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

optimistic1234 said:


> ...he would rather go out with his friends than be with me anyway.


Oh, man...I really fear for you guys. This one time he wanted to, yes (of course, he did invite you). And it was after spending the afternoon with you. You are really at risk for smothering this guy to (marriage) death. When he chooses his buddies over you for.....what...maybe a month straight, every weekend, then you can worry about where you fit in his priority list. When he spent the evening of his birthday out with his friends, we call that "having a healthy social life."


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bild-a-loco said:


> In short, yes, you are 100% totally and completely wrong, and in my eyes, you're acting like a spoiled brat. It was his birthday, he asked you to come along, you didn't want to - END OF STORY.
> 
> Whispering about other girls and telling his friend to hush up because he knew it would upset you is TELLING you the guy's thinking about your feelings - geez. He didn't want you to be upset about something, so he shut his friend up.
> 
> You cut his beer tasting party short because YOU wanted to go home, and now you're upset because he didn't want to stay home with YOU on his birthday. Can you see where this is a lot more about YOU than it is HIM? :scratchhead:


She asked him not to stay home with her, but if she could _take him out to dinner or for a drink _. He didn't want to, he wanted to go out drinking with the guys instead.

I would be upset if my husband said no to my invitation to take him out for a bday dinner or drink and wanted to be out drinking with the guys instead. 

Do most of you prefer to spend bdays with friends instead of your partners? That seems to be the prevailing opinion....?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

They both sound young and transitioning from single to being married.

The issue here seems more that you guys should have communicated upfront better about this. But single folks tend to go more for spur of the moment.

Him hanging out with a bunch of single guys is not any different from her going out and hanging out with a bunch of single women.

You guys should sit down and talk these things out. Or this will continue.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Livvie said:


> She asked him not to stay home with her, but if she could _take him out to dinner or for a drink _. He didn't want to, he wanted to go out drinking with the guys instead.
> 
> I would be upset if my husband said no to my invitation to take him out for a bday dinner or drink and wanted to be out drinking with the guys instead.
> 
> Do most of you prefer to spend bdays with friends instead of your partners? That seems to be the prevailing opinion....?


Immature all the way around.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> Immature all the way around.


I guess you are labeling me immature because I would also feel badly if my husband chose to decline a bday dinner invite from me to go out drinking with the guys instead. Interesting! Kind of unnecessary, too, the name calling....


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

The invite came AFTER he made plans with his buddies. It was a power play on her part to bring up a romantic dinner and stiff his guy friends.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He invited you, you said no.

You didn't feel well. It was his birthday.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And with birthdays, however, aren't they usually planned beforehand?

I mean...I dunno...I usually make plans with the birthday person (especially my mate) long before that day.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

OP,

If you're so worried about your husband and what he's doing on his birthday...why don't you...

"Hey honey, I have an awesome day planned for your birthday. Just be available".

And then actually have plans. You could've easily made the brewery time for him to be with his buddies, then he could come home and you'd have a romantic night out with just the two of you. You CAN talk to his friends you know....ahead of time.

Sorry but you didn't plan anything out. It sounds like his friends did more planning ahead of time than you did. So why are you mad at THEM and HIM? You should be embarrassed for not being more proactive.

Everything you've talked about has been you responding to situations, acting passive aggressive, immature and selfish.

Your husband cut his brewery time short for you. Invited you out in the evening, which was set up before YOU said anything, he can't read minds....remember that, and tried to spare your feelings about one of his friends talking about a girl at the same time deflected you (for good reason) so he wouldn't have to get into a fight ON HIS BIRTHDAY because one of his friends made a comment about a girl that his wife wouldn't like...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And you could have gone out with him...and not drank alcohol.

I do that all the time.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

optimistic1234 said:


> His bday was Saturday..on the day..he wanted to go to this brewery event and so I did for the afternoon/dayy whatever you like to call it. He had to drive so he couldnt get wasted, I offered, he declined..what can I do..and why do you need to get wasted anyways to have fun. So when we got home the fight about the chick got us in a tangle and before I could suggest a nice romantic dinner after REST, he made plans with his friends. But he would rather go out with his friends than be with me anyway.


What else is going on that you keep making this a contest between you and his friends? Do you not like them or they not like you? Does he routinely choose them over you?

The time to suggest both was before. He does this Saturday, so have dinner the evening before, or the day after.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Revamped said:


> The invite came AFTER he made plans with his buddies. It was a power play on her part to bring up a romantic dinner and stiff his guy friends.


Things I would like to do to this post: like, quote, re-post, highlight, bold, italicize and sky-write. Alas, only a few are actually at my disposal...


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Its his birthday and special day, yet this seems to be all about you ???


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

they are newly weds I don't see anything unusual here. Yes his guy pals don't know how to behave around a wife. Yes he and she are both still making mistakes. Yes she wants to be with him all day. 
Best advice I can give to Optimistic is to live and learn. It will get better. Just keep talking, be honest and listen for understanding
MN


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I guess you are labeling me immature because I would also feel badly if my husband chose to decline a bday dinner invite from me to go out drinking with the guys instead. Interesting! Kind of unnecessary, too, the name calling....


Yes. I am suggesting that this type of thing takes a maturity in the context of marriage. No matter how old someone is. Maturing in marriage is my point. This is a transition from single to married. Normal problems here. They BOTH need to adapt and start considering the other.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And with birthdays, however, aren't they usually planned beforehand?
> 
> I mean...I dunno...I usually make plans with the birthday person (especially my mate) long before that day.


Yes. But this takes experience in conflict resolution within a marriage. They are no longer single and they need to learn that they do not make all their decisions from the hip alone any more. There are two people now.


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## optimistic1234 (Jun 29, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> OP,
> 
> If you're so worried about your husband and what he's doing on his birthday...why don't you...
> 
> ...


Good advice here. Thanks. But no it wasnt like that totally. He didnt plans ahead of time with his boys. If he had i would have accepted it and planned to be ready to go with him. But he made it spur of the moment. When I suggested dinner it was half hour within when we came home. He WANTED time with the boys, believe me whether I was there or not. I just should have seen it coming. That brewery was not planned by his friends and his friends didnt plan anything for him. He contacted his friend after we got home before telling me. His brother had along ago mentioned a brewery event that was on his bday. So he had told me he wants to go to that and I went with HIS FRIEND, (gUY) AND HIS BROTHER. none of the other friends came....


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Livvie said:


> I have a different view than the other responses.
> 
> I would also want my husband to choose my invitation to take him out to dinner and/or for a drink on his birthday. He refused the invitation from his wife, and chose drinking with the guys instead. I'd feel badly, too.


I actually agree with you, Livvie, despite what I wrote earlier, I too would want my husband to choose to spend time with me on his birthday. The difference is I am and have been more realistic of my expectations. (Just a side note: I dated a guy like this for many years, I know his type, I chose not to marry a guy like this). We're talking about a young male who obviously enjoys male company, with or without his spouse. The OP chose to marry a person like this. My guess is that any guy who appeared to be completely devoted to her the way she claims she wants, she probably ran a mile from. No doubt she wants this from him because to get a man she knows doesn't behave this way to actually behave this way would show an incredible change in behaviour, signifying a deep, resounding love.

It's not going to happen. The OP needs to come back to reality.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

breeze said:


> I actually agree with you, Livvie, despite what I wrote earlier, I too would want my husband to choose to spend time with me on his birthday. The difference is I am and have been more realistic of my expectations. (Just a side note: I dated a guy like this for many years, I know his type, I chose not to marry a guy like this). We're talking about a young male who obviously enjoys male company, with or without his spouse. The OP chose to marry a person like this. My guess is that any guy who appeared to be completely devoted to her the way she claims she wants, she probably ran a mile from. No doubt she wants this from him because to get a man she knows doesn't behave this way to actually behave this way would show an incredible change in behaviour, signifying a deep, resounding love.
> 
> It's not going to happen. The OP needs to come back to reality.


This is normal behavior for many. It does not have to indicate a long term problem at all. They should be able to work this out is my point. Few people make the jump to marriage without having to evolve. If he rfuses to consider her needs and wishes to still foloow his single habiits then she needs to become assertive.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm sorry but OP you just sound like a downer. That's too bad, because it WAS his birthday and guys would rather have a fun cool wife than a downer wife. And I totally agree with the other poster that you springing a dinner invite on him after he had made plans (which he only made plans because you were a downer and hinted to leave early) was a total power play.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

It sounds like you invite a lot of drama into your marriage. If how you behaved on his birthday is any inclination of what your day-to-day life is like, you do not sound fun to live with or be married to.

Your original topic and replies to this thread sound very "ME-centered". You seem to feel that you are in the right, that your needs and desires trump those of your husbands and that you don't seem to give the slightest concern about what your husband actually wants.

I agree with the others that inviting him out for a date with you was a power play. 

You said it yourself that you fought on the way/shortly after getting home about the comment his friend made. You also said your husband told you right away that he wanted to still go out with friends that night. You also said that you got home, immediately went on your computer and then to bed. 

Only when you realized that your hubby was serious about going out did you suggest going out together as a couple sans his friends. Hubby didn't want to do this (and honestly, if you were whining at the brewery, got into a fight with him that he tried to avoid, then went to bed on his BD can you blame him?!) You were pretty bad company that day from the sounds of it. 

Still, hubby tries to compromise and include you and says he wants you to go. You claim to be too sick and tired, drank too much to want to go out and do what hubs wants to do. 

*Funny how you were too sick/tired to go out with his friends but not too sick/tired to go out for a drink alone with him or to a restaurant for dinner which is what YOU wanted.*

You are BOTH going to have to learn to compromise here. Not talking about his BD, but in your marriage. Neither of you is an extension of each other. You're both going to have different wants, needs, ideals, desires and you're going to have to grow and work together to deal with that. It is possible for you both to be equally right and wrong at the same time. Both of you can be valid in your feelings, wants and needs. Your husband is not wrong just because his desires don't match your own. 

In this particular instance, your hubs is more in the right than you are. Personally, I would do whatever my spouse wanted to do on his birthday and do it with a smile on my face because I don't think that having 1 day a year when it's all about your partner is such a big deal. We have 364 other days a year to compromise about this kind of sh!t, so do you.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

I agree with Entropy that they are young and still have a lot to learn. Heck, if I knew in my younger years what I know now about marriage I probably wouldn't be divorced, because I would have known better than to marry my ex to begin with. We all start at the beginning. 

OP, as you continue along in marriage you'll find that communication and compromise are often key. Your Hubby likes time with his mates and that's fine. For myself, I probably would have tried to plan the birthday something like this - 

Let Hubby go with his mate and brother to the brewery event. They can have some beers and some fun whilst I head out to do my own thing. Then later in the evening Hubby knows I have planned a dinner out at a restaurant just for the two of us. Maybe even a little special birthday "gift" planned for him for when we get home. 

This way I think everyone gets something that they want, and everyone's happy. Try to plan what you need from Hubby a little more, and then I think you will find sharing him a little easier. And Hubby just may find understanding you a little easier too. Married life isn't always as smooth and effortless as you expect it's going to be. You're gonna find that there are times when you really do need to put thought into it.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP, I SO understand where you are coming from. If that same situation were me in our first year of marriage, I would have WANTED my husband to want AND choose to be with me. I got married when I was 20 and my H was 24. I was very clingy when we got married. My sisters had to tell me to lighten up or I was going to smother him. They told me instead of moping around when he planned guy time, I should go out with my girlfriends. I started doing this and it did help a lot. 

We've been married 9 years now, and like Entrophy said, you will transition away from single life into married life. Try not to nag a complain or feel sorry for yourself (I know it's hard!). In the end though, it will make the transition smoother even though it will hurt some. 

Okay, guys, close your ears now: OP, if you lose the clinginess and become more confident and realize he chose to be married to YOU, you can begin to use your feminine wiles so that he will WANT to choose you! See in the situation like your birthday, you could say something like "okay babe enjoy yourself. What time are you leaving?" And then maybe 15 minutes before he leaves, you could put on some very sex, revealing lingerie, slink into the bedroom and tell him "I just want to give you a preview of what will be waiting for you when you get home" then let the robe fall to the floor. 

He will soon be choosing you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

optimistic1234 said:


> No not at all. I invited my friends and all his friends for an outing so he would also have fun and arranged it in advance so people would show up. Just because he has friends who live in the vicinity and are close to him,* he just decides to go out without me, *knwoing they all a bunch of SINGLE DUDES. No one has gfs or wives.


You keep saying this but how in your mind can you see it this way. He invited you to go *YOU* chose not to go. Then you want to be mad at him for going :scratchhead:


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I guess you are labeling me immature because I would also feel badly if my husband chose to decline a bday dinner invite from me to go out drinking with the guys instead. Interesting! Kind of unnecessary, too, the name calling....


What "name calling"? Lots of folks here are telling you that you're immature. And you consider that "name calling"? I consider that people giving you their opinions. You came on an internet site. You posted questions. You got answers. 

Immature? Yeah, you are. Why? Because you are here trying to get people to agree with your viewpoint. When they don't, you argue and get defensive.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ANSWERS, DON'T ASK THE QUESTIONS.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Optimistic-

There are so many other birthdays y'all will spend together. 

Why not take him out for dinner another night?

After 22 years, my wife never wants to do the things I want to do...She bores the heck out of me. My wife have been together most every single evening...She has no life outside of home. We have smothered each other because we gave up our friends Hobby's and outside interests to be with each other... It was a sickness.. I have recovered from that mindset...



It's important the BOTH of you have outside friends...and spend time with them...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> What "name calling"? Lots of folks here are telling you that you're immature. And you consider that "name calling"? I consider that people giving you their opinions. You came on an internet site. You posted questions. You got answers.
> 
> Immature? Yeah, you are. Why? Because you are here trying to get people to agree with your viewpoint. When they don't, you argue and get defensive.
> 
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ANSWERS, DON'T ASK THE QUESTIONS.


This isn't my thread. I posted two comments/replies. This is a pretty extreme response to me, don't you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This whole thread is a bit sad irony for me. I spent my thirtieth birthday alone in my house with a 6 pack of beer. My then wife couldn't be bothered to spend time with me. I vowed never again and refused to spend my birthday home alone. Just won't happen.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> And you could have gone out with him...and not drank alcohol.
> 
> I do that all the time.


Being the sober caboose on a drunk train with a bunch of single guys sounds like the most awkward place possible for a married woman to hang out.

I get the idea that if a wife suggested going out with her single friends to go drinking for her birthday, there would be an entirely different reaction in this thread about "searching for strange" "get a VAR." GNO are frowned on as the end of marriages, but married men wanting to go out drinking (no doubt in a place with single women) is seen as "not ready for the apron."

Hmm.


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