# My husband's work seems like it's tearing us apart..



## CharlotteMarie (Apr 11, 2012)

*My husband's work..*

As some of you may know. My husband and I got just got married in April of this year. We've had ups and downs, but who doesn't? My problem is, everytime he has to go back to work from being off a couple days, or alot of times when he gets home, and the next day before he leaves for work. We usually argue. We NEVER argue until he has to work. When he's off work for days at a time, we're perfectly fine. I know for a fact he isn't cheating on me, it's nothing of that nature. It's just, I hate arguing with him and we only do if he has to work. It sucks and it's hard to enjoy him bein home the few hours he is if we argue while he's home. Can someone please help? I don't want to fight anymore but I don't know how to fix it! And I don't understand why it even happens. Our marriage is GREAT, but when he works, it's like every single little thing makes us argue.  Even something so stupid like him leaving up the toilet seat (he never does, but something that small would turn into an all out war.) Please help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi CM,it sounds like your husband works alot.Does he like his job? What about you...do you work as well?


----------



## CharlotteMarie (Apr 11, 2012)

TBT said:


> Hi CM,it sounds like your husband works alot.Does he like his job? What about you...do you work as well?


I don't work yet. And no, he doesn't like his job. He works ALL the time and it's a horrible place to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

It can be hard working at something you don't like...sometimes you bring the frustrations home and little things get blown out of proportion.It's especially hard when you're starting out and just starting to build your life together,so its important that you're both able to talk through your problems and get at what is really causing the turmoil.Is there no opportunity in your area for your husband to change his job....maybe retraining...does he have a career he would really like to try? Do you think if you worked as well it would help ease your husband's stress and the tension between you? I feel for your H having to get up and go to a job he hates,but he does what he has to and that says a lot about him as a responsible person.I think you guys just have to get a good plan together,remember to talk through your issues without anger and don't let them hang around to grow into something bigger.In those moments of anger just remember why you got married and that even the best marriages have bumps in the road that require work.


----------



## Lilme831983 (Dec 2, 2012)

Have you had a moment to talk it over with him and ask him exactly what he think the problem is? What is the nature of the fighting that usually occurs? Is this small stuff or larger things like bills not being paid? Are you arguing from a selfish point of view and if not then are you possibly jealous cause he is working snd you are not?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: My husband's work..*

The example you gave... the toilent seat makes it sound like you get on this case about things. Is this whas is happening?

Could you give examples of 2 or 3 arguments, how they get started and what goes on... who says what to whom?


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

*Re: My husband's work..*

In the past I was prone to picking ridiculous fights with my H before he went away on a trip, be it for work or sport.

To be honest, I have no idea why I was doing this, but recongnising it made it easier to stop the behaviour.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Yeah, I would say if he's a hard worker and hates his job, don't get on his a$$ for little things like leaving the toilet seat up. That would sure set me off (if I was a guy...) and my spouse didn't work, to come home and get nit-picked for things like that. Just put the dang seat down when you need to use the toilet.


----------



## CharlotteMarie (Apr 11, 2012)

It was an example. I've never gotten onto him for leaving it up. He just naturally puts it down. And if he doesn't then no big deal. I said EXAMPLE. That's never happened. So stop telling me this is my fault and I'm bugging him when he gets home from work. I don't. I do everything for him, I bring his food to him after I cook it, I find his clothes for him every time he gets dressed, I make his lunch for work. Anything and everything so he doesn't have to work while he's home. And for those of you who asked if it's the little things or something. It is. It's every little thing. The toilet seat was an example. We would argue over something that stupid and small. It's never happened. It was just an example of the smallest thing I could think of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CharlotteMarie (Apr 11, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Yeah, I would say if he's a hard worker and hates his job, don't get on his a$$ for little things like leaving the toilet seat up. That would sure set me off (if I was a guy...) and my spouse didn't work, to come home and get nit-picked for things like that. Just put the dang seat down when you need to use the toilet.


I don't get on him for stupid things. Especially that. He knows I want him to find another job bc this one is killin him and killing our relationship. He and I both would love if he found another job but with the way things are, it's a little hard for him to find another one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Stop arguing. It takes two. You're getting agitated by responses here over something you said to describe your relationship... or at least the tone of your last post indicates agitation. We're only going by what you've said here.

Arguing takes two people. If you already know he's moody over his job, then it would make sense to be more sensitive to that and NOT pick fights.


----------



## CharlotteMarie (Apr 11, 2012)

No attitude intended in my posts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CharlotteMarie (Apr 11, 2012)

How is there a tone over letters? Please, don't start that with me. I have no attitude and no "tone". None at all. I was simply explaining that the toilet thing was an EXAMPLE. Just an example.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CharlotteMarie said:


> How is there a tone over letters? *Please, don't start that with me.* I have no attitude and no "tone". None at all. I was simply explaining that the toilet thing was an EXAMPLE. Just an example.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This comes across as hostile. The last 3 posts you've put up here have come across this way. We're not sitting in front of you but we're reading what you're typing and you seem angry.

Maybe some of that comes across to your husband when you two are communicating. Thus, the arguing starts. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.


----------



## CharlotteMarie (Apr 11, 2012)

I'm not being hostile, angry, agitated or anything. Please stop accusing me of it. Even if I were, you can't tell how I'm saying it over text. I'm not mad. Whatsoever. I don't see how or where anyone is getting that. I even said 2 or 3 times that I'm not. I just need advice. Not someone telling me I'm doing something when I'm not. I'm NOT mad. Weather you think I "sound" angry or whathaveyou. I'm not. I really really am not. Okay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustTheTruth (Dec 5, 2012)

charlottemarie said:


> i'm not being hostile, angry, agitated or anything. Please stop accusing me of it. Even if i were, you can't tell how i'm saying it over text. I'm not mad. Whatsoever. I don't see how or where anyone is getting that. I even said 2 or 3 times that i'm not. I just need advice. Not someone telling me i'm doing something when i'm not. I'm not mad. Weather you think i "sound" angry or whathaveyou. I'm not. I really really am not. Okay?
> _posted via mobile device_


mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You sound argumentative in your posts. You're even writing and rewriting telling people what to say or not say to you. Hmmmmm. If this is how you communicate with your husband it might be a part of the problem.

All in my humble opinion.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Crazy idea here. How about giving us a couple REAL examples of arguments you have had instead of one that never happened? What exactly is the point of giving a make-believe example?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

So if I'm hearing this correctly based on your neverhappenedexample of an example, you are doing everything for him very cheerfully with a smile on your face, you're not doing anything to provoke these arguments, and he's pretty much all at fault. 

Am I right?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If he hates where he works, he dreads going in and could be on edge. I HATED my old place of work. HATED IT. I would get cranky too (didn't argue though) but felt just sick to my stomach to go to work.

And something to ask yourself, no response necessary, but do you get clingy before he has to go to work because you like having him home? Do you say, "Awww I wish you didn't have to go to work!" or "I love spending time with you! I wish you didn't have to go to work!" This could be unwanted pressure for him because he likes to spend time with you but he has to work (that's the real adult world) and so by arguing with you he makes it so you want him to leave to go to work.

I duno. Just thoughts.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Not really sure how exactly I can offer any helpful advice, just that it sounds like he has anxiety about his job, but I'm not sure how or why arguing with you fits into it all, there is an entire spectrum full of reasons - maybe it makes him feel better to lash out at someone close, maybe it makes it worse and that give him some kind of motivation to to what has to get done, or maybe the dynamic surrounding the anxiety stems from you... really no way to tell without a deep analysis.

Does he have any career aspirations? Or is he stuck feeling like he's going to be doing a job he doesn't like forever? How does his professional development fit within your shared goals together? How does your career and personal development fit within your shared goals?

I'd recommend he find different work, but meanwhile it is still his job to provide, so whether you think he does a good job of that, or could do better, just show him your adoration and respect and he will be motivated to provide and figure out how to provide better.

As for conflict in the home, well as you know marriage is a series of compromises and giving (in return for receiving and joy), so when you fight make sure it is for something important, and if its not important just breath and drop the subject, there is not much room for pride of ego between marriage partners.


----------

