# We cant have children... what now?



## hotpantsholly (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi,
Firstly i wasnt sure where to post this so sorry if its in the wrong place, im new 
here goes, I'm 23 my partner is 38, weve been together three years are engaged and due to marry, i know 23 sounds young but i'm very mature, work very hard and i dont go out drinking ect like the rest of the people my age group.
We have a hectic lifestyle but from day one i knew he was the one, were so alike, after about 12 months i made my feelings about children and marraige clear, so we started trying for a baby 2 years later and still nothing! my partner had the snip some years ago, then had it reversed and was told at the time he could conceive, we've had no joy and as time goes on i'm seemingly more desperate as he is less because hes worried about the effect of his age on raising a child (which i understand)
i'm now beginning to see that it is likely never to happen, if it was that simple i could probebley cope, but the meer fact that every time i go out, switch on the tv, pc or anything it literally gets rubbed in my face! I not coping well!

I feel totally alone as my mum and i dont have a ''close'' relationship, we get on and i love her but we cant talk, i have no sisters/brothers and due to the fact that i'm so mature either all my friend dont care or arent around to talk to???

I spoke with my partner but dont want him to feel trapped or like he needs to push me away because hes the only one i can turn to? if that makes sense, plus hes not a desprerate as i am,
so tests or ivf are totally out the window!

Last night was the final straw as i was late (only buy a couple of days) and i told my partner, also suffering from fatigue and tender breasts my heart fluttered and he seemed excited too, i did a test and immediatly started bleeding, its like im been punished and i dont know why? i got in the shower before my partner came in and just sobbed, i dont know why i'm expectant after so long? i feel like i'm going mad can someone help please??


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Considered adopting?

Many couples can't have children and adopt. 

You don't really have a "need" to give birth. Don't make it a bigger deal than it should be. I'm not sure what other methods of fertility you and your husband have tried, but if all of them fail, there's still a life to live and you have no choice but to live it. Why make it a miserable one?


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## hotpantsholly (Apr 26, 2012)

very true, i think adopting would be difficult we also care for my partners mum and she well can be difficult lol, i realise we've got a life to live and hes very strong, if it wasnt for him i wouldnt be here now, i totally agree tho  thanks x


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## hotpantsholly (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi, yes, i was looking into this, but my partner doesnt want to do any of this really, which to be honest neither did i, i just hooped it would happen naturally x


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

You need to decide: what is your priority? Having a child or being married to this man? You aren't married yet, and you need to be absolutely CERTAIN that your priority is marriage and NOT a child before you sign on the dotted line. Otherwise, you're not being fair to yourself or to him, and you're setting yourself up for many problems down the road. 

You're still very young. 23 is a lot younger than it feels at the time. If I had married the man I was in love with at 23, I am certain it would have ended in divorce due to the changes I went through in my 20s. That's NOT to say that 23 is too young - just that if you do decide to move on, there is still a lot of time to find 'the one', and while relationships with big age differences can work, it is much more common to make it work with someone closer to you in age. And while 23 y/o men might not impress you now, they won't be 23 forever, and neither will you. 

Just figure out what's more important to you. They can both be VERY important, but one of them will be a shade more so. Figure out which one that is.


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## hotpantsholly (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow, very powerful, thats a huge help  thanks omega i suppose ive not opened my eyes to that i need to see the bigger picture i suppose thanks so much x


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Hotpantholly, what is the rush for having children?

You should be enjoying life with your partner. Do you really want to tie yourself with a child at your age? What kind of childhood did you have? Does your parner already have kids from a previous relationship and then had a vasectomy?

I had mine in my thirties because I wanted to enjoy my marriage and my life, travelled the world, sorted out material things and 6 years later decided to have a child. Then your life changes, lack of sleep, nappies, teething, day-care, ilnesses....
I am glad I waited to have the children in my thirties. 

Enjoy your life without kids, they will come, you are young. I have a friend who is 40 and just had georgous twins, conceived naturally after many years of marriage( she was considering adoption).


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Find another man.

He's 38 years old. More than 3 years ago he had a vasectomy. So he was 35 or less when he did that. It's clear he is man who does not want children.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Find another man.
> 
> He's 38 years old. More than 3 years ago he had a vasectomy. So he was 35 or less when he did that. It's clear he is man who does not want children.


OP read this and listen to this. If he had a vasectomy it means he did not want more children or children at all. Also, the age difference may not be apparent now, but once you hit your 30's and 40's the difference will be much clearer. A 38 year old man dating a 23 year old is not looking to have kids. He just wants to have some fun before the testosterone factory shuts down for good. My EXMIL married her second husband when she was 35(she got pregnant) and he was 55. Now in her late fiftees she constantly complains about his lack of "energy" and how he goes to sleep early. Come on lady, the man is 75 years old!

Find yourself a man around your age if you want a family.


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