# Trust Issues



## MEI (Jun 21, 2010)

Hello,

Not sure if this post belongs here, but I figured some of you here may have had similar experiences with this or may be able to shed some perspective on it for me. I have never ever done anything like this before but I feel as if my head is in such a confused place that I need some outside input. I am having some trouble letting go of the past and 'getting over it' as they say. Problem is, are some things OK to just let go of when they affect the fidelity and trust in a marriage?

Here is a little background on my situation..

My husband and I have been married now for one year and one month. We have known/dated each other for 4 years (including the year of marriage) and I would say at least 50% of our relationship has been spent apart due to his military service. Everything was great when we were dating and I was very happy. But as of 8 months ago (~5 months into marriage), I found some very disturbing emails in his email/facebook from not one, but SEVERAL females dating from as recent as the present to back when we were dating, and engaged. Now, let me explain first why I felt compelled to check his email/facebook first before I get jumped all over. It all started when this one ex-love interests posted on his fb wall that she had some dream about him. His family saw this family got upset about it and asked me if I had seen it. I looked. And something struck me wrong. But I thought hmmm well there's nothing really wrong with what she said but I was curious if they talked more so I checked his fb messages and sure enough, they had been emailing back and forth for years and her description of her dream she posted about WAS full on sexual; not innocent as she had said in response to his family's reaction. I'm not one to get into 'digital drama' but this really rubbed me the wrong way. Anyways to make a long story short, my husband was flirting and saying things that I do not think is appropriate for a married person to be saying. This sort of interaction went on between this girl along with 6 others; all being initiated by my husband, for months and months and months.. Another thing that irked me was that my husband told this girl that he would never stop being friends with her 'just because of me' because they have too much history..Now I thought that was a little disrespectful. When I confronted him about it, he refused to explain himself and he refused to open his messages and explain what he meant by everything and instead deleted the whole account. No apology. Now, am I completely wrong to feel upset or doubtful of his loyalty? I have tried so hard to move past it, but it seems like every time I get to a point where I feel secure, it happens again. It happens every 3 months or so, so it hasn't exactly stopped. There is so much more I could put in here but I feel like this is getting to be a lot to read so I'll start and stop here for now.

Please give me some constructive advice. Don't tell me to get over it; HOW do I get over it or should I? And please don't sit here and say 'how dare you snoop through his email..blah blah" because I never did until I felt I had a reason to. I just need some perspective. Some real, honest, practical advice.

Thanks..


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## desperate4truth (Jun 21, 2010)

Dear MEI, my heart goes out to you, i'm dealing with a similar situation myself. My husband has been keeping contact with this woman who has caused alot of trouble in our marriage for the last 4 years, even after i asked him to stop because of the inappropriate texting conversations that i have found. Also, just like you, i'm told that he will stop and then in a short matter of time it happens all over again. I get told that she doesn't mean anything to him, and he'll stop because he loves me too much to risk our marriage, but it hasn't stopped yet. Sorry i don't have much advice to give you right now, all i can say is swallow hard, take a deep breath and stay calm no matter what he says, don't let him sucker you in to an argument that will leave you feeling unworthy. Oh ya, i don't consider it snooping when your married, "privacy" doesn't exist when you are sharing the rest of your life with someone. Like i told my husband, if you have nothing to be ashamed of there is no reason to lie and hide things from me. Good luck.


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## MEI (Jun 21, 2010)

Thank you so much for replying. It may sound odd, but it feels really good to know that someone else understands where I am coming from. Sad that we have to know this feeling, but good in the sense that at the very least, I know I am not alone and that there are others who can relate.

It's like a roller coaster and it's exhausting. One minute things appear to be going well, then something happens and I feel betrayed and hurt and stupid. There have been text messages, and emails etc and although he is aware of the problem, it never seems to go away which wreaks havoc on my ability to trust or feel secure. And even during the times when things are good, I constantly battle with the things that have transpired previously which affect my ability to be close to him. I feel like more and more distance grows as I struggle to try and forgive and forget. It's tough. And you're right, "if you have nothing to be ashamed of there is no reason to lie and hide things from me." I feel like if you withhold information from your spouse then it makes it look like you have something to hide; same as lying. Are you still dealing with these types of issues? How do you move forward without holding it against your spouse forever? I never used to be insecure or jealous but now I feel I am turning into this jealous person and I don't like it one bit..I hope for the best for you as well. At the very least, I'm glad to know someone out there knows the feeling. Thanks for replying, it helps.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

In a marriage NOTHING should be secret. If either person is doing/thinking/implying something they are not comfortable sharing with their spouse - then it is WRONG and OUT OF RANGE. You have every right to look in his account and expect the same in return. 

He is NOT treating you appropriately as a marriage partner. Travel and distance are extremely difficult and I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is NOT ok and being that your marriage is young - and believe it or not - less complicated now than it will be later - I strongly urge you to directly deal with it now - for YOUR own good.

Please read Love Busters - and get your H to read with you. IF he doesn't understand how to treat a marriage partner now - trust me, it will only get worse. 

Trust yourself. Really.


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## misstf (Aug 9, 2010)

This has been an issue with me and my husband for the whole 10 years we have been together (married 4 of them) in Nov 2009 I found out that he was talking and hanging out with an ex-girlfriend who came back to town and contacted him after being gone for 10 years and another woman he was hanging out with since 2007... he swears nothing was going on, but that he felt that I would "go off" so he hid it from me, I have been slowly regaining trust but I told him that neither of us should have friends of the opposite sex that the other didn't know about and there definately shouldn't be time to hang out with them in secret, 

I thought I was moving past it and even sought counseling for my anger/trust issues, he said he would do whatever it takes to get our marriage back on track and including going to counseling and church, he has failed to do either, yet I am sticking it out, and was getting to a place of forgiveness and we just ran into one of the girls this weekend, and I am feeling all these issues of anger and resentment all over again, I feel so angry right now its scary!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think it's because your husband knows he can get away with it so he does it, cake eating as we call it here....
In a marriage you don't have friends that you hide from your spouse or have inappropriate relationships with......that's called and affair, emotional maybe physical.....he is getting something out of it......and most of all he doesn't consider your feelings, this is not right.....
You need to sit him down and tell him if he needs these other women in his life he needs to go and live a different relationship than the one he has with you......you have to stand firm, if you really are that important to him he will stop, but he won't if you don't mean it........
tough love is the only way, even if he leaves he will realize what he is giving up to have these other women.......I will bet he doesn't think it will be worth it.......
sometimes a big eye opening situation is the only way to bring him back to reality.....
you deserve respect and so far I don't see him giving you that.....
Set him free, see if he really thinks it's worth losing everything for......
Show him a strong and wonderful you, a woman who will move on without him if he continues this kind of behavior.......
Look good, smell good, be happy and confident...........


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