# Need advice…..



## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I have lived with Dan for 5 years…..we are both seniors….but very active and youthful. We have many things in common…..we dance…….we love music……we both have an interest in history and current events…….we like to party……we love football…..etc. Our relationship is not perfect by any means……..we argue but always stay together. I do have a trust issue as I have been cheated on before in previous relationships. So has Dan. We both know how it feels to be cheated on.

Last spring I sensed "something was going on"…..call it woman's intuition. Long story short…..Dan was communicating via text and e-mail to an old girlfriend. He said he had to see her again. So…..he flew to Florida and spent 5 days with her. It was the worst 5 days of my life….I was lost. I considered moving out……but I just couldn't make myself do it. 

We ended up staying together…..but I never heard from him what I wanted to hear……….basically he told me it didn't work out with her. 

She was younger than me by about 10years…..beautiful…..more "open" than me……….Dan referred to her as a "hot chick"…….

I'm no slouch…….I workout 6 days a week…….double workouts on occasion……and take very good care of myself…….but I'm 65. Dan says I look "fine" for my age. (That is a far cry from a "hot chick.")

It has been 7 months……since this affair…….….she is always looming over me in my mind. I beat myself up worrying about her coming back into the picture. Dan …is by nature….not an affectionate man….with me anyway……

I encourage any feed back……….please keep in mind that my heart is in this relationship. I love him….I want to save our relationship.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

interesting said:


> I have lived with Dan for 5 years…..we are both seniors….but very active and youthful. We have many things in common…..we dance…….we love music……we both have an interest in history and current events…….we like to party……we love football…..etc. Our relationship is not perfect by any means……..we argue but always stay together. I do have a trust issue as I have been cheated on before in previous relationships. So has Dan. We both know how it feels to be cheated on.
> 
> Last spring I sensed "something was going on"…..call it woman's intuition. Long story short…..Dan was communicating via text and e-mail to an old girlfriend. He said he had to see her again. So…..he flew to Florida and spent 5 days with her. It was the worst 5 days of my life….I was lost. I considered moving out……but I just couldn't make myself do it.
> 
> ...


 You're going to have a very hard time dealing with this given the last line of your post. I suppose it bears asking, why, why do you love this man who is unaffectionate, left you, say it again, left you behind to stay with another woman for nearly a week, says you look fine while she looks hot (I'd call that a targeted self esteem deflator) and came back since it didn't work out. You sound incredibly hurt and not the least bit angry, this is telling enough and I do not mean that in an insulting way either. 

You'll hear that the best thing is to work on yourself, get on with your life and remove yourself from the situation, let him go, he deserves nothing more from you. But this is the first page of your post, and from the sound of it may take post 250 for you to see the situation for what it is, sh1tty. I know it hurts, I know you don't want to go, but from the sound of it he is a moral compass is either broken or nonexistent and since he supposedly knows what it's like to be betrayed, he is also a hypocrite. 

So get ready to wipe the tear, singular, not plural, from your eye, look at him with honest eye's and say goodbye. Time to live for now.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

ugggh, that is a is pretty disrespectful thing to do to you. i can see how it might have seared your brain a little. and "Dan says I look "fine" for my age" is not the sort comment that instills confidence in him loving you. There are plenty of younger fish in the sea...are you supposed to worry about all of them too?

but i can see that at a later age, when you thought you had things pretty good off, you might want to do what you can to keep this relationship alive. Thats ok....although you will get a lot of advice on her to dump him immediately.

Have you talked in a detailed and rational way with him to make him see just how much this hurt you, and undermined your confidence? the blatant way he told you he was going to visit an old GF and not bring you along...probably hurts a lot too. Maybe if he just said "i am going to visit my cousin for 5 days" instead, you could have lived with it better. 

I guess what i am suggesting is to try to work out some boundaries, and establish just how much he loves you, and see if you can both work out a reasonable relationship. it sounds lke you are not married to him, and that is good. Maybe you just treat him as a long term non-exclusive BF. Find some friends of your own for when he is "away"


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Age does not matter. Your happiness does. He's got you as a stable plan B. She rejected him. If she did not kick him out, he'd be with her right now. I fear He will very likely do this again.

He does not match your values. You sure he was cheated on In the past? Cheaters are in fact liars. 

Are you sure you wouldn't be happier with him out of your life and someone else's problem? Perhaps this other lady saw through him.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Clarification…..It did not work out with her……but not because she kicked him out….oh, no. She, in fact, after the time with Dan expected him to come home and kick me out. She said she loved him. She wanted him to sell his house (our home) and move to Florida. He told me she is an in-home health care nurse and moves around the country. He is a mid-western guy and can't see himself moving a round. 

I expected similar advice to what I have received. Most would leave him. My self-concept has never been lower….but I'm not a young person either……20 years ago this would be sooooo much easier.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Oh….I was angry. But once that left….I was just hurt. Of all the people in the world…..I would never choose Dan to cheat on me….as he knows my history. My ex-husband cheated on me. ……and when we divorced I felt like I was in a hole……..I spent a year and a half in counseling digging myself out.

Dan's wife cheated on him. He was devastated by that.

So……I was caught off guard……...


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

interesting said:


> Clarification…..It did not work out with her……but not because she kicked him out….oh, no. She, in fact, after the time with Dan expected him to come home and kick me out. She said she loved him. She wanted him to sell his house (our home) and move to Florida. He told me she is an in-home health care nurse and moves around the country. He is a mid-western guy and can't see himself moving a round.
> 
> I expected similar advice to what I have received. Most would leave him. My self-concept has never been lower….but I'm not a young person either……20 years ago this would be sooooo much easier.


You should be outraged over this admission, not acceptable to the deciding factor as to why he stayed, convenience. If she was next door you'd be out the door or he would.

From the sound of it is easy, except in the emotional department. Since you have no kids or other cohabitating responsibilities of merit, save for the bills, you need, not should, need to take a leave of absence away from the home for a bit to recollect your self esteem and understand that this is not ok. Do not let him know either, simply leave. Provide him with the environment he so desired, life with out you.

Now this is not to say the relationship is irrepairable, but it does leave the effort entirely in his hands, make him fix it.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

It sounds to me as if the "love" in your relationship is pretty much one-sided. He took off for another woman, only came back because "it didn't work out," is unaffectionate, and apparently isn't in the least sorry for what he's put you through. Forgive me but I just HAVE to ask: Why are you still with this guy?  Not only has he shown you incredible disrespect, he isn't giving you what you need. Are you simply afraid to be alone? :scratchhead: At our age (and I'm older than you) companionship is a very big deal, but I think you deserve a lot more than you're ever going to get from this man. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he pulls another stunt like this, knowing that he can always come back to you if "it didn't work out." I wish the best for you. You sound like a sweet, caring woman. I repeat: You deserve better!


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

At my age….I am afraid to be alone. I just keep hoping things will get better.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

*Re: Need advice..*



interesting said:


> Clarification..It did not work out with herbut not because she kicked him out.oh, no. She, in fact, after the time with Dan expected him to come home and kick me out. She said she loved him. She wanted him to sell his house (our home) and move to Florida. He told me she is an in-home health care nurse and moves around the country. He is a mid-western guy and can't see himself moving a round.
> 
> I expected similar advice to what I have received. Most would leave him. My self-concept has never been lower.but I'm not a young person either20 years ago this would be sooooo much easier.


Yah, his story. Call her if you want her story...


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

*Re: Need advice..*



interesting said:


> At my age.I am afraid to be alone. I just keep hoping things will get better.


With your age comes experience. You'll do what you want and for your reasons.

Why are you here? Most will say move on before this continues. Not sure he did not cheat in years gone by. His actions show me everything. Words mean zilch-nada.

What he did was awful. What you hear is crap.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Have you guys discussed boundries? You never mentioned marriage so I assume you're not so what kind of relationship do you have? Did you agree to be exclusive or was it just convenience. Are you possible assuming more from this relationship than Dan is in it for.

If you were just two lonely people who decided to share time together and now you feel it's grown beyond that to a more committed relationship perhaps you should sit down with Dan and discuss what the relationship is to each of you. 

It sounds to me like he isn't seeing it as you are either because he's a scuzzball or because there has been no clear definition of the boundaries and the relationship parameters. Maybe you've "gone to the next level" but Dan has not.

I don't know because I don't know the original deal under which you two began cohabiting. Without that knowledge I can only extrapolate based on what's here.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

We began co-habitating after he gave me a ring that meant a lot to him. It was his grandmothers wedding ring. No we are not married…..but I entered into this not for companionship or convenience….but for love. He also told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We are much more than companions……maybe we are older….but definately not looking for only that.

We had just returned from a great trip when I found out about the other woman. I think he was playing both of us. He does not consider what occurred an affair because he told me where he was going….he didn't hide it like some. 

This is such a mess.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

interesting said:


> At my age….I am afraid to be alone. I just keep hoping things will get better.


I bet you are a knockout honey! He is crazy!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If I was 20 years older, I would kick his idiot ass for treating you so poorly! How can you be with such a heartless, dare I say, evil person.

How can anyone treat you like a doormat so callously?

You will receive nothing greater from this ridiculous excuse of a man!

How can he even look at himself? He has 0 dignity and is worthy of 0 respect!

I know about the hardships associated with relationships when older but in all honesty, a purring cat in my lap would win against a soulless vampire like your man.

Don't sell yourself short. You are probably just tired of the "chase" when finding another partner and I would be weary too if I had invested as much time in a relationship to have it blow up.

You may be tired, but you sound like a very active and attractive woman.

A loving soul you could attract and you certainly deserve.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

interesting said:


> He does not consider what occurred an affair because he told me where he was going….he didn't hide it like some.


 Actually, if he respected you he would have at least allowed you some dignity by hiding it. By in your face cheating on you, he is letting you know that he has all of the power. He owns the home that you live in and has most of the money. The truth is that he just told you that he will leave you if something better comes along and not even feel guilty about it. You may not like it, but he just set the rules of your relationship such that you are not in a committed relationship with this man. Living by those rules you need to keep your options open to other men, as you need to find someone to grow old with that you will not have to worry will leave you at the drop of a hat. BTW, he did not just get on a plane and stay with her for 5 days. He was secretly communicating with her first, so secretly communicating with other potential mates is also part of his rules that you could use in your search for a real mate. I do not normally make such recommendations, but your man just told you that this is what the rules are of your relationship that he is following. You would be insane to be caught without a backup plan, as this is your life that we are talking about.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

To TRY…….
You are correct……it is HIS house….but he does not have the money…….I do. We spend my money every time we go out to eat…..any alcohol we consume out and here at home……I recently bought a new refrigerator …..a lazyboy recliner…….patio furniture….a 65 inch TV for the basement……put a down payment on a place to stay for a month this winter in Florida……new bar stools in the kitchen…….all the gasoline for his two pickups and car as well as for my car……every ounce of food in this house……new drapes in the basement……every article of clothing he and I wear….dance lessons……I pay for garbage pick up……for his weekly bowling league…….his membership at the health club as well as my own……..so I don't need his money!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Wow. Hoping you did not pay for his trip to OW. Maybe cut back on these expenses. A lot.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

*Re: Re: Need advice…..*



interesting said:


> To TRY…….
> You are correct……it is HIS house….but he does not have the money…….I do. We spend my money every time we go out to eat…..any alcohol we consume out and here at home……I recently bought a new refrigerator …..a lazyboy recliner…….patio furniture….a 65 inch TV for the basement……put a down payment on a place to stay for a month this winter in Florida……new bar stools in the kitchen…….all the gasoline for his two pickups and car as well as for my car……every ounce of food in this house……new drapes in the basement……every article of clothing he and I wear….dance lessons……I pay for garbage pick up……for his weekly bowling league…….his membership at the health club as well as my own……..so I don't need his money!


No you don't need his money.... BUT he needs yours.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I believe it's better to spend the rest of your life alone (which I'm sure you will not) then feeling betrayed, miserable and unable to trust. Please consider your feelings and where you want to see yourself in the next 5 to 10 years.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

He might have thought that he would be losing his meal ticket. The pig.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

You want to hear something really pathetic? 

Are you ready?

I DID pay for his plane ticket plus more to see the other woman. He didn't have the money. He said he just had to see her. I gave him the money and then fully expected him to DECLINE it………even after he PURCHASED the ticket I fully expected him to BACK OUT…..to say…"I can't do this to you."

Once he left……I fully expected him to return early and say what a mistake he had made.

My faith was "IN" our relationship……and I just couldn't imagine taking money from my significant other to go sleep with someone else.

It gets worse………he took his Viagra with him.

I have been such a fool.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I would never condone what I am about to say.. But every case is different and I think this warrants my following statement.

Find yourself another man before leaving him.. Right now if you don't have alone time I would suggest you pick up a hobby that makes you have alone time on Saturday nights or whenever is good for you.. Yoga class, Therapy, whatever. 

I don't give a sh!t how old you are.. ANY WOMAN can walk into a bar and walk out with a swinging d!ck.. Men on the other hand don't have that kind of opportunities with women.. Women make all the choices when it comes to that department..

Just right now you don't see it because you been shot in the EGO and are doubting yourself.. 

The one thing you will find odd is when he finds out. YOU will be shocked and surprised how heart broken he will feel because of how he doesn't see what he did as wrong..

Do you think you can fake it to see his reaction ? Its a lot drama though. But maybe just faking it and making him think you have someone else might straighten him out.. 

What I can tell you is when me and the girlfriend fight, regardless of who was right or wrong. If the discussion ends up about walking out and meeting someone else.. I hate to say it but she has me over a barrel and she knows it.. 

She tells me straight out.. I can walk to any street corner and find someone to fvck. You ( meaning me ) on the other hand aren't gonna be that lucky.. Yes it is crass and crazy.. But sadly its the truth.. 

The problem here is you came off like the wounded puppy... When you should have come off like the crazy women who was ready to go out and find a new man to fvck..

You see everything you told us about what you pay for.. That is what you should be telling him.. 

Tell him what you pay for and that you can find any MAN to fvck and pay for the same things. He just another swinging d!ck and that men are a dime a dozen.. 

Unless he very secure about himself, physically and financially. He will start to back peddle fast..

There are times when the Girlfriend has had me up against the ropes and all I could do was accept the fact of letting her go.. Regardless of how I felt, it was my only choice to keep my pride.. But it was HARD to do.. Very, very HARD... 

I hope this helps you out somehow.. I know its rough regardless of age..


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

*Re: Re: Need advice…..*



interesting said:


> You want to hear something really pathetic?
> 
> Are you ready?
> 
> ...


OMG hon why!!!!! I can't belive that. He so cheated on you. The fact he didn't try to hide it does not mean it's still ok for him to do that. Please please consider leaving him. He is taking you for a ride. You will never be able to trust him again. 
What happens the next time they decide to meet up?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

interesting said:


> Clarification…..It did not work out with her……but not because she kicked him out….oh, no. She, in fact, after the time with Dan expected him to come home and kick me out. She said she loved him. She wanted him to sell his house (our home) and move to Florida. He told me she is an in-home health care nurse and moves around the country. He is a mid-western guy and can't see himself moving a round.
> 
> I expected similar advice to what I have received. Most would leave him. My self-concept has never been lower….but I'm not a young person either……20 years ago this would be sooooo much easier.



he's not young either and he looked for another opportunity. Age doesn't matter as much as self respect and equal respect, which you are lacking on both. Who does that ?? Leaves a girlfriend behind and flagrantly at that to spend a week with an ex and then expect things to be normal when you get back ???

And then not talk about it ????

I can't instill your self respect for you or your self esteem. Only you can do that. However, you have the rest of your life left and playing with the emotional baggage of what he did to you will only hurt your remaining years.

I have seen a spike in people here who come on and say 'leaving is not an option'. There is no magic wand which reaches out and says "Dan, I wish you never did that, please don't do it again pretty please". It doesn't work. You have to get at the root of where you want to go with this relationship and what if his actions are something you can tolerate. Once you decide that, you will know the enxt step.

BTW, I agree with the people who say 'move on'.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> From the sound of it is easy, except in the emotional department. Since you have no kids or other cohabitating responsibilities of merit, save for the bills, you need, not should, need to take a leave of absence away from the home for a bit to recollect your self esteem and understand that this is not ok. Do not let him know either, simply leave. Provide him with the environment he so desired, life with out you.
> .


OMG, I'm agreeing here! Sounds like you need a ROAD TRIP. May i suggest: visit the bourbon distilleries in Kentucky, then some of the giant caves down near bowling green, THEN go find some of the vestiges of Rte 66 and drive/explore along the mississippi. Only consider coming back when your mind is right!


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

To Hard to Handle…….

Wow! When I first began reading your post I thought you were a woman….honestly….telling me to go find another guy…….I really appreciate your advice MORE because you are a man.

I'm no slouch……..I have had many opportunities to stray……but never have….that whole comittment thing you know. I believe in it. I want it. But I want my guy to be comitted too……to ME!

I have considered calling the Other Woman…….I have her number. I would just like to set her straight on a few things……I doubt if Dan has been honest with her either. I don't know.

He sent her flowers for Mother's Day…….I found out. He gave me a card. 

Trust me…..I am not high maintenance………I work out 6 days a week…..I have a personal trainer 2 days a week. I run when I can…..I sign up and run every 5K that comes around here. I am thin and look very athletic. Probably the best compliment I received was from an old friend last summer……He said.."Well, I was going to ask if you were still working out, but I can tell you are!"

Dan, on the other hand, used to be my workout partner……but hasn't worked out for over a year. He has put on 30 pounds around his middle……..pants size has gone from 34X32 to 38X32 since I met him. He has very little energy and although I am older by 4 years i have tons more energy. Despite his lifestyle and lack of physical activity I still find him very attractive and sexy. Of course he knows that.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I want to say that I JUST joined this site today and I didn't know what to expect. I haven't shared any of this with anyone I am close to as I am embarrassed by Dan's behavior and by mine. I don't want anyone to know that he chose someone else over me. It makes me feel like such a loser….on the surface people looking into "our" world probably think we are pretty happy. We have received comments like…"So glad you two found each other." "You make such a neat couple." 

I am in tears as I write this because I don't feel so alone right now. You don't even know me and you are so kind to me. Thank you. I know I have to make a change………it's hard.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

*Re: Re: Need advice…..*



interesting said:


> I want to say that I JUST joined this site today and I didn't know what to expect. I haven't shared any of this with anyone I am close to as I am embarrassed by Dan's behavior and by mine. I don't want anyone to know that he chose someone else over me. It makes me feel like such a loser….on the surface people looking into "our" world probably think we are pretty happy. We have received comments like…"So glad you two found each other." "You make such a neat couple."
> 
> I am in tears as I write this because I don't feel so alone right now. You don't even know me and you are so kind to me. Thank you. I know I have to make a change………it's hard.


Yes it is going to be hard. BUT, i am sure after all the healing you will look back and say 'what was i thinking'. 

As i am sure people hear all the time 'you only live once' but it is so true. Live your life the way you want to live it. Be around people who make you hap5ly and want to make you happy. I wish you all the best.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

If you chose to break up with mr fatso:

Protect your money. Move out of joint accounts into your own. Any joint credit cards must be cancelled.

Have an exit plan. Execute. I hope you bail on this pig. He does not deserve you. Do not settle. That is not you. Look in the mirror. Own this decision. Get strong. 

Happiness is this leach in the rear view mirror. Anticipate his puppy eyes when you tell him. Or preferably, when he finds a note where your fridge used to be. 

He'll try to shame you back or work your loving side to manipulate you. Just get mad. He used and abused you. F him.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

*Re: Need adviceÂ…..*



interesting said:


> You want to hear something really pathetic?
> 
> Are you ready?
> 
> ...


OMG. You're his mommy.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Oh my! Dan has used you as a meal ticket, and then rubbed your face in it! What a sh*t! He was up front....oh what a guy! Sounds like he was testing the water, not just with her, but with you also. To see how much more he could use you by. Seems a lot. Cut your losses, get out and take all the things you bought with you! My god! What a user and abuser!

Oh, and his stories of being cheated on, all cheaters have a story like that.

You have only his word on what is the 'truth', believe his words at your peril!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

Dont be to hard on yourself. I'm 60, and understand only too well the fears of going it alone for the nxt 30 years, as my hubs cheated on me not long ago. 

I too like you, look good for my age, I can pass for 40's, but it doesnt matter, people say, you can have any man, hubs is the big loser. But it doesnt work that way. 

It's not that easy being out there trying to revent yourself... regardless of what these men say, it really is still a man world out there, no matter how much we women have tried to change things. 

Sadly, you have been through this before, and like me, ((I havent)) but we share in common that our men were the last that we thought would ever do so... and both are azz for how they have treated us, yours for believing it's not really an affair, mine for believeing that the length of the marriage, and everything that went w it, must have meant nothing if I cant forgive and R. 

So now here we sit... Me 3 years ahead of you, ...you way ahead of me with past experience, but going thur it again for the very first time, again, now...

What would you have told me before you found out about Dan? How would you had advised me, someone your age, a female, someone who had been through it before and survived? Had you met me, out and about, and we started to talk. My story was yours. 

Believe me, if I dont relate w you about if it were when you were 40, things would be so different. No question!!!! 40 is like 30. But then makes you only 55! 

There is another women, Openminded on TAM, maybe she'll jump in... she got a lot of good things to say. But she is comng from a bad situation, where neither you, or I had. 

Our reality is though now it's different, and if you stay it wont be the same. Can you live with the way it changed? They way you have? He has? 

I still love my hubsand, but I dont love the relationship we now have. I love him, but I dont love how his actions have made us become two different people than who we were before. I dont love the two people in the new relationship, and how they are now in this long term marriage. I dont know who they are. I dont know how much longer I can live with them. 

When you now say you want Dan back, really ask yourself, why? It is a hard pill to take from someone who really knows the other side... 

Just my thoughts. 

~sammy


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

interesting said:


> To TRY…….
> You are correct……it is HIS house….but he does not have the money…….I do. We spend my money every time we go out to eat…..any alcohol we consume out and here at home……I recently bought a new refrigerator …..a lazyboy recliner…….patio furniture….a 65 inch TV for the basement……put a down payment on a place to stay for a month this winter in Florida……new bar stools in the kitchen…….all the gasoline for his two pickups and car as well as for my car……every ounce of food in this house……new drapes in the basement……every article of clothing he and I wear….dance lessons……I pay for garbage pick up……for his weekly bowling league…….his membership at the health club as well as my own……..so I don't need his money!


 Well Lady, you are free to go anytime you want. IT will be tough to do so, but you deserve to be someones number 1, especially to yourself. He wanted to see what is out there, not make him practice the lesson Cortez did and burn his ships for him, Take your money, I'll say it again, YOUR MONEY, and hit the road. tomorrow can and one way or another will be the the youngest you'll ever be again. Leave him to age, worthless and in years time you can simply point and say "Ha-Ha" and walk away like the confident Woman you know you can be.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<Oh….I was angry. But once that left….I was just hurt. Of all the people in the world…..I would never choose Dan to cheat on me….as he knows my history. My ex-husband cheated on me. ……and when we divorced I felt like I was in a hole……..I spent a year and a half in counseling digging myself out.

Dan's wife cheated on him. He was devastated by that.

So……I was caught off guard……...>>

As you have learned, having been cheated on does not inoculate you from being a cheater. My FWH's first wife cheated on him, hurt him badly, and I never thought he would ever cheat on me. I was wrong.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

In reply to your question, Sammy…….had I met you before all this happened with Dan……..I would have said an affair was a deal breaker! I thought it was……maybe it is. You nailed it, I think, with this age thing. It is harder to picture myself alone at 65….than it would have been earlier. I pass for much younger….but the number is still the same…..65.

I do want to be someone's Number #!. I always have. My husband of 20 years cheated on me with a number of women. Then I dated a few men…….all cheated on me…..except for the love of my life…Duane. He died of cancer. That was so hard on me……..then I met Dan. I told him I wanted to laugh again…..my world was totally turned upside down with Duane's death. I met Dan one year after the death.

Dan has said to me before that if those men all cheated on me….maybe it is my problem. I cause men to cheat? What?

Someone mentioned joint accounts…..we don't have any……..his and mine….no joint credit cards.

Back to Sammy…..I feel for you……I think we all want to be loved and to feel loved. I do. Just maybe a little compliment or note of appreciation every once in awhile……that would be nice. Are we asking for too much?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

interesting said:


> In reply to your question, Sammy…….had I met you before all this happened with Dan……..I would have said an affair was a deal breaker! I thought it was……maybe it is. You nailed it, I think, with this age thing. It is harder to picture myself alone at 65….than it would have been earlier. I pass for much younger….but the number is still the same…..65.
> 
> I do want to be someone's Number #!. I always have. My husband of 20 years cheated on me with a number of women. Then I dated a few men…….all cheated on me…..except for the love of my life…Duane. He died of cancer. That was so hard on me……..then I met Dan. I told him I wanted to laugh again…..my world was totally turned upside down with Duane's death. I met Dan one year after the death.
> 
> ...



I feel for your story and I understand... 

...except for Dan's comment 
he deserves to be tarred and feathered.

~sammy


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

interesting said:


> I want to say that I JUST joined this site today and I didn't know what to expect. I haven't shared any of this with anyone I am close to as I am embarrassed by Dan's behavior and by mine. I don't want anyone to know that he chose someone else over me. It makes me feel like such a loser….on the surface people looking into "our" world probably think we are pretty happy. We have received comments like…"So glad you two found each other." "You make such a neat couple."
> 
> I am in tears as I write this because I don't feel so alone right now. You don't even know me and you are so kind to me. Thank you. I know I have to make a change………it's hard.



hang in there. Listen to the people who've been through this. We are here to help. You know that changes have to be made. You are not alone when you have us


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

interesting said:


> I entered into this not for companionship or convenience….but for love.


Carefully consider your own words above.

Here are the cold, hard facts.

1. You are in the relationship for love.

2. What he did to you is the antithesis of love.

3. Therefore, mutual love is non existent in the relationship. (on his part)

4. Thus, your reason for being in the relationship is null and void. 

The only reason to stay in the relationship is if you think the benefits outweigh the hurt. 

Are you willing to "settle" for less? 

I wish I could gift you a healthy dose of self esteem to help you make the best decision, but can only offer this.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

interesting said:


> You want to hear something really pathetic?
> 
> Are you ready?
> 
> I DID pay for his plane ticket plus more to see the other woman. .


Nope, actually you made quite a good investment. 

For the mere price of a plane ticket you got him to reveal who/what he really is. 

This way you don't have to waste any more of your life on someone who will betray you later on when you might be more vulnerable.

Good riddance!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Considering he told you before hand what he was doing the fact that you gave him no consequences of whatsoever spelled out to him that he has your blessing to treat you like crap.

Unfortunately you have enabled this bad behavour and if you are dead set keen on staying with this guy it needs to be made abundently clear that this behavour will not be tolerated again.

If he does do it again you have to be fully prepared to pull the pin on the whole deal.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

interesting said:


> To TRY…….
> You are correct……it is HIS house….but he does not have the money…….I do. We spend my money every time we go out to eat…..any alcohol we consume out and here at home……I recently bought a new refrigerator …..a lazyboy recliner…….patio furniture….a 65 inch TV for the basement……put a down payment on a place to stay for a month this winter in Florida……new bar stools in the kitchen…….all the gasoline for his two pickups and car as well as for my car……every ounce of food in this house……new drapes in the basement……every article of clothing he and I wear….dance lessons……I pay for garbage pick up……for his weekly bowling league…….his membership at the health club as well as my own……..so I don't need his money!


 So he gets to keep his money in an appreciating asset (the house) and in the bank that are both only in his name, while you have to spend the money on everything else. This for a man that has in your face cheated on you, and showed that he would be willing to leave you at the drop of a hat if someone better comes along. I felt sympathy for you when I thought that you were trapped by circumstance, but now that I know otherwise, that sympathy is gone. If you act like a doormat, you cannot act surprised that he will want to walk all over you.

You are plan B. Time to put your big girl panties on. For starters, stop paying for his food, gas, health club and everything else, and put that money in the bank for when he dumps you. If he does not like it, tell him that you need to save your money for when he leaves you, and that he needs to just deal with it just like you had to deal with him sleeping with the other woman. Remind him that just like it was not wrong for him to leave you for the other woman because he told you what he was doing, it is not wrong because you are telling him what you are doing. Tell him that his other options are to marry you and promise not to leave you like that again, or to ask you to move.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

If you did not read my name then I want to warn you that I am blunt. You are 65 and it will be harder for you to get a good man at that age. It is still possible but much harder than a 35 year old.* Dan has an advantage in the emotional department because you are an honorable woman and he is not.* He has weakened you by making you feel inferior and giving to a younger woman what should be is only for you. Furthermore, he makes a statement like the reprint below



> Dan has said to me before that if those men all cheated on me….maybe it is my problem. I cause men to cheat? What?



*What a punk Dan is! That also tells you a lot about Dan!*


Realize that you are weak and hurt emotionally and you think that you may have to compromise. You do not have to compromise but you will have to suffer and endure if you take my advice. DO NOT LET YOUR EMOTIONS OVERRULE YOUR LOGIC!!!

*You have money, your are physically fit, you are loyal, you have a good heart, you are disciplined and those traits are VERY ATTRACTIVE*. Any man that does not see that is either blind or has the wrong priorities. DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT! I say that because I know that you will have that tendency because you are hurt and desperate for love and relief of an aching heart. You will have to remind yourself that your are a desirable woman many times to counter the thoughts that will come your way.


Dan is not a great catch but you have got yourself emotionally involved and he has a hook in you. Dan may not be a bad man but he is no winner and I think that you could do better. If you are strong enough right now I would suggest that your go NC (No contact) with Dan and start working on ONLY YOU. Build yourself up emotionally and spiritually and became even more self-sufficient and self-reliant. If you happen to meet another man then go with him but be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove. Let LOGIC rule and not emotions as your emotions right now are not your best tools.


If Dan wants to come back tell him that he has to prove himself for a long time before you consider him again. Dan does not have near the qualities that you have.

I have been married for over 40 years and I have no intentions of leaving my wife. Furthermore, I will never meet you but if I was looking for another woman you have a LOT of qualities that are very attractive.

* Do not sell yourself short, build yourself up, let logic rule for now, be willing to suffer for a while and endure, and use this pain to get you motivated into realizing that you have a lot to offer and that you can have a very exciting time and life in the future without Dan.* Maybe Dan will change but make him prove that for a very long time because it is very hard for a man past 60 to change. In the meantime you go about your plan and if a man comes along then uses your logic and check him out!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What happens to your money if something happens to you?

He sends her flowers and you a card. He has plans and you are not in them. I hope he isn't in your will.

If she isn't his plan A its because he's looking for another woman with money that's younger than you.

You're on borrowed time. When someone shows you who they really are by their actions, listen. His future doesn't include you.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

interesting said:


> Someone mentioned joint accounts…..we don't have any……..his and mine….no joint credit cards.


do i have to say it? don't buy any more airplane tickets for this lout, he will not be able to see her anymore, and the affair will die. If you are doing anything else that is inadvisable, like paying for his cell phone...stop that stuff too! Short term problem solved.

Long term problem, he has to see th consequences of his ****ty actions and recommit to a monogamous relationship, OR you have to dump him. 

Does this guy have ED? You mention viagra....is he able to easily get hard with the viagra? Maybe his ED is really kicking in, and he is working out some kinky oldlife crisis--like one last fling before Mr Happy completely dies? Has he been cruising kinky porn sites on the internet? Maybe he just needs a whole lot of kinkier sex to make him happy with being monogamous? (not saying YOU still want to give it to him though)


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

interesting said:


> Dan has said to me before that if those men all cheated on me….maybe it is my problem. I *cause men to cheat*? What?


Nonsense ... You may be attracted to men with character flaws:
Dr. George Simon on Character Disturbance 



interesting said:


> I think we all want to be loved and to feel loved. I do. Just maybe a little compliment or note of appreciation every once in awhile……that would be nice. Are we asking for too much?


Not at all. People always show you who they are (eventually). You just need to consider if you are asking a pig to fly. 

“When you dance with the devil, the devil doesn't change. The devil changes you.”
― Amanda Hocking, My Blood Approves


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

interesting said:


> To TRY…….
> You are correct……*it is HIS house….but he does not have the money…….I do. We spend my money *every time we go out to eat…..any alcohol we consume out and here at home……I recently bought a new refrigerator …..a lazyboy recliner…….patio furniture….a 65 inch TV for the basement……put a down payment on a place to stay for a month this winter in Florida……new bar stools in the kitchen…….all the gasoline for his two pickups and car as well as for my car……every ounce of food in this house……new drapes in the basement……every article of clothing he and I wear….dance lessons……I pay for garbage pick up……for his weekly bowling league…….his membership at the health club as well as my own……..*so I don't need his money!*




He doesn't need HIS money, either. He's spending all of yours!  This guy comes off as a leach. You've only just proved that he's only with you because you're paying for everything. You've hooked yourself up with a real prize here.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ok then. After you spend all your money on him and it's all gone - then you'll see exactly what kind of love this guy has for you.

I think he loves the cash flow he has right now. How do you know he has no money anyway. Probably a few hidden accounts you don't know about. 

His actions show me everything I'd want to know in a guy. That is quite enough for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

interesting said:


> At my age….I am afraid to be alone. I just keep hoping things will get better.


Well, this is your problem, not your guy. What are you doing to fix this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

interesting said:


> My husband of 20 years cheated on me with a number of women. Then I dated a few men…….all cheated on me…..except for the love of my life…Duane. He died of cancer.
> 
> Dan has said to me before that if those men all cheated on me….maybe it is my problem. I cause men to cheat? What?


Well, he has a point. People attract certain kinds of people. You attract Users. Again, this is up to YOU to fix, in therapy. Stop spending your money on him. You'll see real fast what he really thinks of you. Spend it all on weekly therapy instead.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Chaparral said:


> I hope he isn't in your will.


He'd better NOT be!


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Not in my will……..everything goes to my children and grandchildren……as it should. 

He may have money I don't know about…..but I don't think so……he is strapped with this house….still owes a lot on it………he retired very early……in his 40's…..so his pension is not much….That I do know.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Maybe, if he's honest - Sounds like he inherited money, got stupid and retired, blew it, and is now house rich and cash poor. You are his priority until a larger purse is captured. His latest trip proves that out quite nicely.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Did not inherit any money……left his job for issues with anxiety and depression. Many times he has said if he had stuck it out his pension would be sizable. House was paid for once…….had to pay his ex-wife as terms of their divorce….so he borrowed on his house.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

So, then it's you paying for the ex-wife? That must be a treat.

I have not seen a reason yet to stick around. Nowhere in this thread.

Next him and move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you looked into therapy yet?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Interesting,
You are a trusting, kind soul and you thought you found a kindred spirit. I'm sorry but you have not. You've found a man who apparently hasn't worked in 20 years and is using you to finance his life currently. A man of honor and integrity (sarcasm) who told you up front he was going to ignore the arrangement you have and boink another woman on your dime (Wow). A man unworthy of your kindness and your trust.

You see your age as an impediment but try looking at it from another angle. At your age, the men you will meet have lived life, been cheated, suffered loss or whatever. They don't want anymore games or drama like a 35 yo would. They are wiser and they seek genuine companionship and the comfort of a like minded soul.

When you decide to look, look for a man who is settled, financially secure and is only interested in you for you. Then you will know the feeling of sharing life with a true kindred spirit. It may seem hard right now but in time, you will look back and see it was one of the best decisions you have ever made. You deserve more, we know it and you know it and you will find it. Dan will blindly stumble into old age bouncing from one meal ticket to another. You are but a sojourn in his foray into oblivion. You will do better. Good luck.

ETA: Sell/hock the ring as a payback for the plane ticket. It obviously doesn't mean much to him anyway.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I have looked into therapy.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

As much as I know I have been used and abused….I would never hock the ring………it was his grandmothers….an heirloom……should go to family.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

interesting said:


> As much as I know I have been used and abused….


Ugh, I know how this feels and I also know that breaking free from it is not as easy as people would think. When you're ready you'll break free, it is only a matter of time and support, 2 things in abundance around here..........Unless aliens attack and sap our worlds energy reserves!!! (Strangely I see this happening before my, and most, { I said most Maricha, thinking of you} waywards realize, repair and show remorse for what they've done.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

interesting said:


> As much as I know I have been used and abused….I would never hock the ring………it was his grandmothers….an heirloom……should go to family.


I wrote that tongue in cheek as I knew you would/could never do it. That's not you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

interesting said:


> I have looked into therapy.


And?


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I have my first appointment first week of november………found someone I don't know……….but reviews are great


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

interesting said:


> As much as I know I have been used and abused….I would never hock the ring………it was his grandmothers….an heirloom……should go to family.


So if he came back like he planned with the other woman that he went to have sex with, and threw you out of his house so that she could move in, you would not be able to keep the ring which is the only thing of value that he as ever given you. You must know that even if you gave the ring to another member of his family, that there would have been a strong chance that he would have pressured them into giving it back to him, so that he could give it to his new girl friend? You also must know that you paid for his trip by paying for all of his bills so that he could have the money to fly over to stay with and have sex with the other woman? Boy this story keeps getting worse and worse. Do you not have anyone that you trust enough for them to be able to talk some sense into you?


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I paid for the trip. I know I have been a fool.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When your parents were raising you, did they want you to turn out like this?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Have you made plans to bail yet. You seem to still be unsure of you next move? 

Don't be a victim. What do you want. I think you won't change him. He's not 20. And if he was 20, you could not change him either.

Instead of cherishing you, he takes advantage of your heart. It's evil.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I have made some baby steps……….made a list of all my purchases so I remove all………I have a feeling when he finds out he will lock me out…..so I want to be able to get everything. I have a friend who can help me.

I am starting counseling to get my head straight.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Start moving your things one item at a time to your friend's house. So he won't notice them gradually disappearing. Always keep a bag packed with toiletries and a change of clothes and some money, and keep it near the exit door so you can grab it as you run out, if it comes to that.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

interesting said:


> I have a feeling when he finds out he will lock me out.


 Just because he is the landlord does not make it such that you do not have any rights to staying at your home. You now live there, so the law says that you have rights. Contact a lawyer and find out what those rights are in your state.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I have an emergency bag in my car…….just in case. I have money……..if I need to leave quickly. I am not afraid of him physically….but I believe he would play games with me…..make it very difficult to exit if he could………hide stuff from me…..and say he has no idea where it is….etc.

When his ex-wife left he hid stuff…..told me about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly why you must move everything important to someone else's house.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

interesting said:


> . . . I know I have been a fool.


Dear interesting,

You did some foolish things but you are no fool.

You've been here a mere five days and you've already figured out what you did wrong and started to correct your situation. That puts you in the top 1% of all the betrayed people who come here for help -- most of whom are men in the prime of life for whom it take months to make as much progress as you have.

You are stronger than you realize and your are going to be OK.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I lost most of my stuff a year ago. I used to really miss it. Now I'm just used to having nothing. Should I ever get any of that stuff back through court action, and I'm trying, then it will just be this huge bonus to me. Like getting new stuff. For her it will be a loss that she is not prepared to accept. Hence her crazy stalling tactics.

At least you've got a chance to make sure you keep your stuff. Look on the bright side?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey interesting----"SERIOUSLY"----come on----when you look in the mirror---what do you see looking back at you

Do you have any kind of SELF RESPECT

What the he*l, are you really in love with-----you pay for everything, including paying his way to have sex with another woman----actually what does all of this make you----you pay for everything----I guess bottom lining it---you are paying for his services

You love him----if you are so in love with him, that you are willing to pay for everything and keep him, then what are you complaining about???????

You are 65---so what----there are lots of good solid legit., men out there from 60 to 70----WHO DO NOT LET A WOMAN "KEEP" THEM----also please don't tell me it would be hard to leave---if you need to leave---YOU GO---if he is hiding things----you get the police to help you do what you need to do

Right now, at this point you know what needs to be done---this guy is in love with another woman, all the while as he lets you "keep" him---stop making TEEN AGE EXCUSES---and get away from this guy-----there is a whole big wide world out there----AND EVEN SENIOR WOMAN LIVE IN IT, AND DO QUITE WELL


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

First counseling session was very emotional…… I basically spilled my guts. I used to feel I was a strong woman…..self-confident…..but I'm sure I didn't come across that way. But she said I did what I did thinking I was saving the relationship……it's time to do what is best for me. I guess I knew that…..

Meanwhile we are still in the same home……he has no idea about the session…….I was gone all weekend……and I enjoyed the space…….My guess is he contacted her…….but that is only speculation.

He made the statement that we have been through a lot this year……but we are still together. Really? WE'VE been through a lot? I have been through a lot……..running off and spending time with another woman does not constitute "being through a lot."

Second session is next week.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

It is nice having someone I can talk to who isn't judging me……she said something like….we do what we think we have to at the time.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

jnj express said:


> Hey interesting----"SERIOUSLY"----come on----when you look in the mirror---what do you see looking back at you
> 
> Do you have any kind of SELF RESPECT
> 
> ...


 Whoa nelly, telling someone what is best for them rarely works until THEY decide to do what is best for them. These so called teen age excuses are found throughout everyone who is alive or have ever lived at any age. We are here to support, guide and shed light on what the truth of the matter may be as well as a unbiased opinion on the situation. It is beyond easy for us to tell her that this situation sucks and to simply move on. If she felt this way it'd be done already.

But she feels the same way most people who endure this feel, at a complete loss. The reality of the matter has not registered yet and when it does she will feel empowered to do what is best for her, but not until then. She is alive, she is human and she is beautiful, and comments like this are akin to the ones her Husband is telling her; "It's your fault we are where we are". Unless she, or anyone, has had the most solid of self esteem and assertive behavior and feelings breaking a bond, willingly and/or unwillingly is not for the faint of heart. It is the reason many couples at least try to reconcile. 

She is making strides, so lets support that vs chastising her for her inactions and current state of indecision, which from the sound of it is slowly fading away.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Joker……you nailed it…."at a complete loss."

Baming and shaming doesn't help me (jnj express)….believe me I totally blame myself for where I am today……..And…I am ashamed….I am a grown woman. I followed my heart on this one…..I made every excuse possible for his behavior and for mine. I would have told a girlfriend in my same situation to walk away long ago…..LONG AGO.

I came to this site to be able to talk about my situation, without anyone knowing my identity. I welcome all and any advice……..Lord knows I need it. I will make the changes necessary……BUT even with all that has happened it is not easy for me. My heart is broken……...


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

interesting said:


> My heart is broken……...


But it's still beating........


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Interesting,
The bottom line is that you really do deserve more. I know it's difficult especially considering that you put a lot of trust into this relationship but Dan is simple either unable or unwilling to appreciate your investment. There are most certainly men out there who would.

It will take some time to find one but just think how much happier you will be knowing that you now have someone who feels for you what you feel for them. Sadly, Dan is using your good nature against you and he will not stop, you have to stop it. Think it through and formulate your plan, then leave Dan to his own devices.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I'm feeling better today about what I have to do………thanks for all the encouragement.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

interesting said:


> I'm feeling better today about what I have to do………thanks for all the encouragement.


That's why most of us are here. You will feel a little better about it each day as you formulate a plan and start to enact it.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Miss Interesting, haven't seen you post in a bit which I'd like to take as a good sign. Hope all is well.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I really wish you all the best, Miss Interesting.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Have you ever done anything you regretted later just because you felt pressured to do it?

Big argument yesterday………dan upset I was texting someone during the football game (watching at home)…….just the usual….about the plays…score…etc. I explained it was my friend Tim…..about a 25 year old friend……ran together years ago. He is married….I know his wife…..she knows we are friends. Neither of us have ever stepped over the line even once with each other. In my heart I honestly think we both want the best for each other. We never see each other in person. We talk via text almost daily…….but not non-stop. Usually it is just…"Have a nice day." We check in with each other daily. He knows nothing about the mess I am in.

Anyway……..Dan said….I don't like that guy………He did meet him once about 2 years ago……and was very rude to him. When I called him on it….he said…I don't like him. Anyway…he started in with.."Why is he talking to you……he's married…….he should be talking to his wife?" He has a problem….(Really? Sound familiar?) Anyway….it got worse…….Dan says…….block him on your phone or I'll start texting "Florida." For me that was a knife to the chest……….

So I blocked Tim…….deleted his number. 

I am not proud of myself today. I can't remember the last time I was proud of myself.

I can only imagine the feedback this post will bring about.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Did he block Florida? This aint no way to live...

Bottle you up, live off your money and you pimp him off to Florida. All expenses paid...

Take your money, buy a place and rent it. Make your money work for you. Just don't be spending it all. Make your cash an asset, not a vanishing expense with him.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He doesn't like Tim because he feels threatened by him, and jealous. And yet he cheats openly and threatens you with further cheating if you don't delete your friend! 

He's obviously feeling very vulnerable right now (due to his recent behaviour, and rightly so!) and probably still can't believe it that you are still around given the way he's treated you. Seems he is pushing to see just how badly he can behave and how much you will accept from him. 

He has an outstanding sense of entitlement. I hope you are still on with your plans to move your stuff out. This man is poison and has no shame.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time to leave.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Still have plans to move on.

I don't know if he blocked "Florida." Asking would create WWIII.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I'm NOTHING like your husband even slightly, but if my wife was texting another guy, no matter how innocently, I wouldn't like it either. I might be very old-fashioned (I guess at my age I AM very old-fashioned) but I've *never *believed that a married woman should be engaging in that kind of communication with another man.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

interesting said:


> I don't know if he blocked "Florida." Asking would create WWIII.


 So you agreed to block Tim without him agreeing to block Florida? Are you kidding me? And stop playing games with yourself on this, if he was agreeing to block Florida he would have told you that he was, so you know that he did not. The fact that he was so unremorseful for his cheating with Florida that he would dare to be the one to bring her name up, tells you just how little respect he has for you. 

He knows that your friendship with Tim was not even close to the same thing as his with Florida, and that demanding that you block Tim without him agreeing to block Florida was unfair. He wanted you to block Tim just to assert his dominance, and to weaken you as a person by further isolating you. He knows that for you to have the strength to leave him, you would need all the support from friends that you could get.



interesting said:


> Still have plans to move on.


 If that were really true, you would not have felt pressure to block Tim, since the minute you left he was going to contact Florida anyway. You also would not have feared WWIII, because you would have already accepted the inevitably WWIII coming when you left him.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Agree with TRy to the nth degree...said it much much better than I. Look into a mirror and remind yourself that you are a great person and worthy of real love, not the droppings of a jerk.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

thummper said:


> I'm NOTHING like your husband even slightly, but if my wife was texting another guy, no matter how innocently, I wouldn't like it either. I might be very old-fashioned (I guess at my age I AM very old-fashioned) but I've *never *believed that a married woman should be engaging in that kind of communication with another man.


 They are not married, and they are not even in an exclusive relationship, as he openly vacationed and slept with another woman in Florida that he was thinking of leaving the OP for. He actually told the OP that if the woman in Florida did not have a career that required her to move around so much, that he would have thrown the OP out of the house and moved in with the other woman. Applying the rules of a married couple does not make sense in this situation.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Interesting,
Dan is a user and a taker, you know this already, this latest incident just reaffirmed it a little more. It sounds to me like Dan has the mentality of a ten year old. It really is time to move on, I know you know this too. He can go and sleep with a prospective replacement for you and you can't even have a friend? You know this isn't right.

You have options right now but don't wait too long to move on from this guy because if the right opportunity comes up for him he will boot you out and then you'll have to regroup in a hurry. You mentioned WWIII, are we to assume that Dan also has a hair trigger temper. Just one more reason to get away from him as soon as is practically possible.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Seriously Thummper………..? Your wife can not have a male friend? I am definately not judging…..just curious. 

And yes….Dan has a temper. He will tell you he hates confrontation……he is very controlling although he would say he is not. His ex-wife had a restraining order against him after their divorce….he did get it expunged….but she took it out originally. He says she had no reason other than that he threw a glass at her once. I have seen him throw keys across the room twice…..when he was upset. Mostly he just raises his voice and ALL communication stops. I have been afraid of him at times……his yelling scares me. He says he is as sly as a fox….and I believe that.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> So I blocked Tim…….deleted his number.
> I am not proud of myself today. I can't remember the last time I was proud of myself.


You husband has no right to tell you to block Tim when he is doing a lot more than talking to Florida. However, If you are going to continue to talk to Tim, I would advise you to talk to Tim with all conversations forwarded to Tim’s wife. In other words Tim’s wife needs to know all conversations.






> Still have plans to move on.
> I don't know if he blocked "Florida." Asking would create WWIII


.

You are afraid to ask him if he is doing the right thing?
That tells me that you’re are compromising and showing signs of weakness.
However, if I were you, I would give up completely trying to get Dan to do the right thing.* You have had a professional that has told you exactly what you should be doing*. Here is your IC’s advice reprinted below




> She said I did what I did thinking I was saving the relationship……it's time to do what is best for me


*
If you allow yourself to get sidetracked with Dan you will always be compromising and getting weaker.*

You have money, your are physically fit, you are loyal, you have a good heart, you are disciplined and those traits are VERY ATTRACTIVE. Absorb your hurt, keep building YOURSELF up, put your mind over your emotions and realize that you have a lot to offer. *The most important thing is for you to know that you can be more self-sufficient and do not have to have Dan or anyone else to validate you!*

I realize that your are in a weakened emotional state but you are going to have to use your mind over your emotions in order for you to believe more that you have some very attractive traits and you have a lot to work with. *Now get busy and do what your IC said or you will wind up being a door mat!
*


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I need you people in my corner every day…..so refreshing to have any opinion of mine validated. So refreshing to have others who can see some good in me…not just my flaws……yes….I have been a doormat……no doubt….I do have attributes though.

I read once that it takes 12 positive statements to a person to take away one negative. I live with so much negative…..not even sure how it got so bad. 

It is probably hard to tell from my posts….but I used to think of myself as a strong woman…..with a good self concept. I thought of myself as smart, attractive, kind. I think almost anyone you would ask about me would say very similar things. I do.

Only in this relationship do I feel ……unattractive, undesirable, stupid, unmotivated……..you name it. One night we had a friend over…..nice guy….but mentally challenged. Dan was barking orders to me…..do this….get that……all while he sat in his chair. I was babysitting a 3 year old at the time and was a bit busy. (to say the least) Anyway…..this friend said…."She is busy…..don't you see that?" He could see it…..I could see it……..?????


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

interesting said:


> I need you people in my corner every day…..so refreshing to have any opinion of mine validated. So refreshing to have others who can see some good in me…not just my flaws……yes….I have been a doormat……no doubt….I do have attributes though.
> 
> I read once that it takes 12 positive statements to a person to take away one negative. I live with so much negative…..not even sure how it got so bad.
> 
> ...


 You ain't lying. These fine folks here are a blessing. Even you bandit.... 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

interesting said:


> I need you people in my corner every day…..so refreshing to have any opinion of mine validated. So refreshing to have others who can see some good in me…not just my flaws……yes….I have been a doormat……no doubt….I do have attributes though.
> 
> I read once that it takes 12 positive statements to a person to take away one negative. I live with so much negative…..not even sure how it got so bad.
> 
> ...


You do realize that this is a support forum right?:smthumbup:Kinda why we're here....most of us anyway

And at the risk of being self serving by quoting myself....



NoChoice said:


> Interesting,
> Dan is a user and a taker, you know this already, this latest incident just reaffirmed it a little more. It sounds to me like *Dan has the mentality of a ten year old.* It really is time to move on, I know you know this too. He can go and sleep with a prospective replacement for you and you can't even have a friend? You know this isn't right.
> 
> You have options right now but don't wait too long to move on from this guy because if the right opportunity comes up for him he will boot you out and then you'll have to regroup in a hurry. You mentioned WWIII, are we to assume that Dan also has a hair trigger temper. Just one more reason to get away from him as soon as is practically possible.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I've not read a single word anywhere convincing me that staying a minute longer is the solution and will bring you any happiness. Or his. 

Leave and let him abuse another sugar mommy. You deserve better. You need an adult relationship with a real man. Not this imposter.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

My heart just aches for you, interesting. You deserve better. I have also heard it takes 5-10 positive comments to replace one negative one. But you can't count on this ... I hesitate to call him a man ... to build you up. You've got to do that for yourself. I know it's hard. 

Are you able to get out of the house, volunteer, take a class, etc? You need more positivity in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

To Dignityhonorpride…..
I do get out…………I am retired……but have joined a new fitness group…..kind of like Crossfit……been a member a year now………I go 6 days out of 7. I have made some nice friends there who encourage me with my workout goals. I am in the best shape I have been in in years. The average age at this place is probably 40……I am by far the oldest member….yet I can keep up with all and outdo many. On many days I have already run a mile or two before I get there. This has become an obsession with me primarily because of my home life. We lift weights, run, push sleds, flip tires, jump rope, etc. It is challenging and addictive.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

interesting said:


> *Seriously Thummper………..? Your wife can not have a male friend? * I am definately not judging…..just curious.
> 
> Yes, she does have a male friend. Me.  I've read sooooo many threads on this and other sites where wives with male friends eventually crossed any number of lines often leading to the breakup of the marriage. Not willing to take the chance. Outside of my profession, I have NO female friends, either.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I certainly wish you a more fulfilling life. You sure deserve a lot better than you're getting from this guy. You sound like a wonderful lady. He must be addled and more than a little blind.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Thummper……Your wife is a lucky lady.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

interesting said:


> I read once that it takes 12 positive statements to a person to take away one negative.


1) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
2) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
3) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
4) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
5) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
6) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
7) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
8) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
9) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
10) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
11) You positively need to leave the cheater now!
12) You positively need to leave the cheater now!

Now will you take away that one negative guy from your life?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

interesting said:


> To Dignityhonorpride…..
> I do get out…………I am retired……but have joined a new fitness group…..kind of like Crossfit……been a member a year now………I go 6 days out of 7. I have made some nice friends there who encourage me with my workout goals. I am in the best shape I have been in in years. The average age at this place is probably 40……I am by far the oldest member.


 You need to get out and meet people your own age. And after you leave the cheater, you need to join groups that have viable men that will appreciate the fact that you are in great shape, are a nice person, and are financially secure. Do it now while you still are is such great shape.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

interesting said:


> Have you ever done anything you regretted later just because you felt pressured to do it?
> 
> Big argument yesterday………dan upset I was texting someone during the football game (watching at home)…….just the usual….about the plays…score…etc. I explained it was my friend Tim…..about a 25 year old friend……ran together years ago. He is married….I know his wife…..she knows we are friends. Neither of us have ever stepped over the line even once with each other. In my heart I honestly think we both want the best for each other. We never see each other in person. We talk via text almost daily…….but not non-stop. Usually it is just…"Have a nice day." We check in with each other daily. He knows nothing about the mess I am in.
> 
> ...


Dear interesting,

The subject of opposite sex friends is controversial. My view is close to that of thummper's but with the understanding that, in Western society, men and women have no choice but to interact on a regular basis with members of the opposite sex and therefore communications between them cannot be entirely avoided.

For me, some basic rules are: (1) limiting communications to _'safe'_ subjects (no discussions of sex, love, one's marriage, one's spouse, hopes and dreams, fear and disappointments, feeling, etc.); (2) total and proactive openness with one's partner about such communications (don't just let them see the communications, show them); and (3) no private meetings for any reason (there should always be a third party present; if not the spouse than a family member or trusted friend).

In your case, given that your goal should be to reset the terms of your relationship with Dan on a more equal footing (assuming you want him to continue to be part of your life), and given that you and Dan are not married, I think it important that you not isolate yourself from others, including close male friends. However, out of respect for yourself, you should keep such friendships above board and innocent, letting Dan know what your doing but not letting him dictate to you who you can talk to.

If you ever have doubts about what you should or shouldn't do, fall back on _'the Golden Rule.'_ Treat others (including Dan) the way you would like people to treat you.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Another counseling session………..hard…..It's hard to look at my behaviors and be anything less than embarrassed……wondering where I loss sight of the fact that I am a valuable person. I am worthy of respect.

The person that commented that I need to get out and around people my age….I know that is true. All our friends are married….coupled……..let's face it…….this will not be easy. I need to leave the environment I know and create a new one. 

You know…..I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I can do this a million times over….but that doesn't make it any easier. I keep falling back into this person I guess I am……nervous….afraid…..uncertain……thinking all "this" is maybe my own fault. I know it isn't……….


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

interesting said:


> Another counseling session………..hard…..It's hard to look at my behaviors and be anything less than embarrassed……wondering where I loss sight of the fact that I am a valuable person. I am worthy of respect.
> 
> The person that commented that I need to get out and around people my age….I know that is true. All our friends are married….coupled……..let's face it…….this will not be easy. I need to leave the environment I know and create a new one.
> 
> You know…..I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I can do this a million times over….but that doesn't make it any easier. I keep falling back into this person I guess I am……nervous….afraid…..uncertain……thinking all "this" is maybe my own fault. I know it isn't……….


Changing ingrained patterns of behavior takes time. Don't become discouraged, even when you slip up. With determination and persistence, you will eventually get to where you want to be.

Yes, this advice is trite, but that's because it's true.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Carmen Ohio……
Yes I have slipped up………should be easy……..I certainly am not happy with the way things are.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

interesting said:


> Carmen Ohio……
> Yes I have slipped up………should be easy……..I certainly am not happy with the way things are.


Life is not easy, interesting. Just don't give up.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Interesting... Pretty lady.

Please consider it this way. You are keeping many decent guys from meeting you. That's greedy. If you'd dump the jerk, you give decent guys a chance to meet you, date you and get to know you.

You'll have a pick of several decent smart guys. Then, a year from now, you'll wonder why you wasted even a moment of your life with the jerk sponging your money. 

Kinda like most (not all) folks - Would you ever consider marrying your first high school boyfriend/girlfriend? Heck no. Well, your jerk makes those high school guys look pretty good. Yuck!!!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I keep falling back into this person I guess I am……nervous….afraid…..uncertain……thinking all *"this" is maybe my own fault*. I know it isn't……….


*Use mind over matter until your emotions catch up!* You are a good person; the fact that you blame yourself instead of looking to blame others is a sign of a good person. Just do not keep overdoing that; *stop magnifying your faults!*

Many of us find you have attractive qualities and that is why you have over 100 posts on your thread. Although numbers do not always tell the story, you have some TAM veterans posting to you and one reason is that *you are INTERESTING and strong enough to be open.*


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Thx all. 
I can do this. 
I can do this.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

No no no. No more "I can do this"

I wanna hear " I did this...!"

Own your future!


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

well…..I still haven't made the break……holidays got in the way…..I know…just an excuse………but family would have a hard time understanding…….traveled over Thanksgiving…….on the way home…we actually talked about the affair. He brought it up. Said she was in town for a wedding the week I was gone to watch my granddaughter and he was here to supervise the new roof. She contacted him and then made plans to meet in a restaurant……but the plans fell through. He said he would never see her unless he let me know about it. I told him I didn't want him to se her again….thanks for telling me……but I don't like it. He said he wanted to remain friends but it doesn't look possible as she is upset with him.

He says that when he returned from their fling in March she fully expected him to kick me out. When he didn't…..she was livid. He says I don't where she got the idea I would kick you out…..I never said that. Well…….don't you think actions speak louder than words? You flew across the country to see her……risked your current relationship……slept with her…….doesn't that lead a person on?

So……we continue to live in the same house…..no affection….we are companions I guess.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

He continually says….I didn't want to hurt anyone. Well…he did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Let him see you making plans to move.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Interesting,
Why can't you tell Dan what he told you? Tell him you are going to go see if there is anyone better out there and if you find someone then just say au revoir, if you don't, just come back to Dan and all will be well.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I'm scared to leave. I feel so alone…...


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Why? A friend used to say that he was often asked why he repeatedly hit himself in the head with a hammer to which he would reply cause it feels so good when I stop. You will be amazed how good it will feel when you stop.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

interesting said:


> I'm scared to leave. I feel so alone…...


Why? You're a grown adult. You live in a world in which you can make one phone call and get maid service, have food delivered, get your car fixed, buy a house.

Who conditioned you to believe that 'alone' was a death sentence? I look FORWARD to being alone. So I can be ME.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Just wish holidays were over…..birthday this week…….


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's important to learn that these are things you're ok with by yourself. Whether someone else celebrates it with you or not. If you can do that, then you're healthy. 

I watched a new Christmas movie last night, and this is pretty much what it's about, in a roundabout way. You might enjoy it. It's called One Christmas Eve, and it starts out with a woman and her kids celebrating Christmas without the husband/dad, who's off on a cruise with his OW. Now that might trigger some, but the movie really isn't about that - at all. It's about the 'new' family and all the friends they make along the way of this one night, and the 'new' celebrations they decide to have. Really good movie.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Ok…….I am embarrassed to say that we are still together……embarrassed as I really thought I would leave. I have from the beginning hoped he would choose me and me only……I want to be happy like we used to….I want to feel special and loved like I used to. 

The overwhelming amount of advice given to me has been to leave NOW. BUT……he said what I wanted to hear or thought I wanted to hear. He said she was out of the picture……she had a new gentleman friend. This friend has money….took her to Europe. 

Things have been going pretty well until last night……..we were up until early in the morning talking/argueing………..I mentioned that a friend of ours just came back from Florida for $95 one-way. The ticket I bought for him (to visit the other woman ) was $500………that is what Dan said the ticket was….so I gave him that amount…..and additional for expenses. Last night he said the ticket was only $300…….but "You offered me more……….so I took it. I'm no dummy." 

Boy….that hurt. He also said he didn't need any money once he got down there. "She paid for everything. She has money…..she has a good job."


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Feeling awfull.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Yep, he's looking for who has more money to feed his pleasure. He'll dump you in a heartbeat once he finds a bigger sugar-mommy. 

Funny, the Florida gal had the same thing in mind. Your guy had no money, so it was an easy decision for her. 

For you, not so much.

By you not breaking up and leaving - you yourself are preventing yourself from being loved and cared for by that decent guy who's out there looking for you. 

Are you are doing this to yourself in order to have a miserable holiday? He won't change. So don't hope. You'll eventually be free on his terms or yours. The choice is yours. Always has been.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

interesting said:


> Feeling awfull.


I don't know what else we can say to you. It's quite clear you'd rather be with someone who treats you like sh!t then be alone. If you don't acknowledge that this is a serious issue then you will never be able to change the situation. 

I mean this with all honesty but I think the problem here is you not Dan. You obviously have serious codependency issues and lack any self respect. Ask yourself, "If YOU don't respect yourself then why should he?" 

Do you think it's hard to find someone at 65? Well, how about 70 or 75? How much longer until Dan finds your replacement? Think he won't? He's already shopping around. 

Stop being a victim. You've had the power to stop this the whole time. Make the hard choices. Do what must be done. Good Luck.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I appreciate what you both said…….I recognize that I have very low self esteem. I would have never said that about myself 5 years ago…..because I didn't. The truth is….it is hard not to believe the negative stuff thrown at a person. 

You're right….I'm not getting any younger. 

Dan doesn't love me. I should accept that and think…."His loss."
But instead…I think…."What is wrong with me?"


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

interesting said:


> I appreciate what you both said…….I recognize that I have very low self esteem. I would have never said that about myself 5 years ago…..because I didn't. The truth is….it is hard not to believe the negative stuff thrown at a person.
> 
> You're right….I'm not getting any younger.
> 
> ...


Please, please find a reputable, experienced therapist, AND a codependents anonymous group. Please. You owe it to yourself.

And remember, you are *just as* alone with him as without him. Hes not a true, present partner. He's a user and a leech and he's only there because his Florida girlfriend dumped him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

interesting said:


> I appreciate what you both said…….I recognize that I have very low self esteem. I would have never said that about myself 5 years ago…..because I didn't. The truth is….it is hard not to believe the negative stuff thrown at a person.
> 
> You're right….*I'm not getting any younger. *
> 
> ...


So, what are you going to do and when are you going to do it?


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