# Need Advise.



## Mindspun (Mar 22, 2016)

I'm in need of advise. My wife and I will be together 25 yers thus August. We've had normal short bumpy roads but ickly always resolve them and fix them. People throughout our years together have always said we are perfect and so happy together. So here it is. Her mom fell on hard financial times after her husband passed. Unable to sustain her cost of living my wife came to me and asked if she could live with us for "2-2 1/2". Saying it would probably take that long for here to pay off her credit card and save enough money for 1st months rent and security. I said of course. Well at around the 2 1/2 year mark I asked my wife how it was coming along with her CC and savings. She said she has not saved much moneu and her card has about $4,000 on it. My wife had decided in the beginning to charge her mother rent. I told her that is totalyy up to her and I'd except whatever they come up with. After hearing her deep financial burden I told my wife to deduct $100 from rent and I would pay her private phone and HBO bill. That was 1 year 9 months ago. Around a year and a half ago I was becoming very upset with her mothers lack of trivial things. She never grew up on a septic or well system so I sat everyone down at the table and we discussed the do's and dont's items being flushed or bleach in the drains. Her Mother had continued to not only keep putting toilet paper and Kleenex down the toilet but started stock piling 3 rolls or towels on the back of the toilet. Ten she'd change it to 2 boxesnof Kleenex on the toilet, another box 7' away on a bureu right outsde the bathroom and another box on her night stand just another 4' away. I felt she was doing this deliberately. She has still after all these years not stopped. For the record I aways went thru my wife with any trivial issue I had. Now and again through the years our teenage daughter would talk very disrespectful to her randmother and I would instantly send her to her room and reprimand her. As time went by our daughter came to us and said we were nit being fair to her. That we punish her without hearing her out. We always tokk grandmas side no matter wat. She was right. So I left work early one day and caught them in the middle of an all out screaming match. Neither knowing I was there, I hid and listened to heart it myself. I heard my my both of the screaming at eachother with total disrespect and I was shocked. I finally stepped out and asked "what is going on". They both went in their own rooms. I walk away from that thinking 1- what was so bad that 2 family memebers chose to talk to eachother this way. and 2 although they were both acting like 13 year olds, there was only 1 13 year old in the argument. The 2 of them became oil and water. The grandma would report back to her other 2 kids behind all our backs for years. Then this past Novemebr my wife came home from picking up her mother who had been staying at her sons house for a week. My wife asked me to our room where I found her in tears. She said her mother, brother and sister had told her that her mother says that my wife and I have been cold and distant to her from day 1. She then gave me a list of things her mother said about me which I had to wright down. In August I had a double cervical fusion and a SS implant installed in my neck. I was heavily medicated 24 hours a day and my family was takingturns waking me up sometimes an hour aprt to gib=ve me another kind of pill. So in the state I was in I had to wright things down to remember them. I asked my wife if I could talk to her mom about thenlist and she said yes. The next day we did. He mom and I spoke for 2 hours. ! item was that I picked in her over the TP and PT and I didn't want her to lean her dirty wet mop on the bathroom wall. She said come on whats the big deal. You hardly use that bathroom. I said. I can tbelive after all the years of explaining the damage it can cause you still do it . Whats so difficult to understand? Then she said I was abusive and her other 2 kids say the same thing . I said can I ask them and she said yes. I called them individually and they both deny ever saying anything about me. The one child said her mother told her I was abusive by picking on her all the time. I said this is ridiculous. Listen to what this whole argument is about. Its immature nonsense. As time went on she continued with the mop. She did stop putting the TP and PT in the bathroom but low and behold we had clog. I called a plumber out and tey found the septic pipe had cracked where it exites the house. Guess what they were pulling out of the pipr. Paper towels. They did say the towels could not have broken the pipe but they did clogg thepipe and don't I know not to put certain things ina septic system. As time went on I reached out to all 3 of her kids and spoke with her too to try and resolve any issues. I just recently found out they have been at it again blaming me for he unhappiness. My wife has said my mother is weak and unhappy and likes to pull on her sisters heart strings to get her to feel bad abd help her. Instead she was making everyone angry at me. And at my weakest time after a seroious surgery that had me heavily medicated and irrational. To this day I have become dependent on a drug called Tramadol. I have sought help from my doctors and am on a plan. Today I received another epiduralinjection in my neck to help get off the meds. A few weeks ago my wife , her mother and muself were downstairs. I was on my hands abd kness clening the floor and her mother was poking me in the side and back the a wrapping paper tube trying to get me to talk politics with her. It is very well known she and I disagree on politics especially the issue she wanted to dic=scuss. She had a few drinks in her and it was obvious she was looking to fight. I looked up at my wife with lifted eyebrows as to ask for help and she did. her mom said no I wont stop saying I want him to answer my question. Al while prodding ,e with the tube. I got up and walked away. Then on Jan 28 she was at it again when it was just she and I. I lost my cool and called her an alcoholic and to put down the wine while we talk. She said no. I'm not an alcoholic I'm just weak and your mean to me. I told her the time I walked in on her argument with my daughter, She says that never happened. You're a liar. I told her at least 3 other incidents and her got to answer is always, no you're a liar. Finalyy I asked her if we could end the argument on a good note because I had to leave and did not want to walk away from each other upset. She agreed and we did. That night I felt I owed my wife an apology for insulting her mother. My wife had the 3 of us sit and talk again. Everything was going good until the prt where I said she was drinking and kept yelling at me calling me a liar when I tried to give her examples of her behavior. The grandmother looked calmly in my wifes eyes and said: I don't know where he got that from. That never happened. Luckily one of those items included my wife who verified it did. Then the next day my wife and I called her sister so I can apologize to her for my insults. She went on the defense immediately and stated her mother never had thiswhite trash, maury Pauvich, Jerry Spriger **** in her life before now. Implyin g I brought this garbage here. the next day I tried to call her son. the convo started calm and respectful and blam, he started talking over me saying my mother says you said she doesn't deserve her cats. I was in a twilight zone. I said what are you talking about. Yr mother creates things in her head and thegets mad at me as if I did it. Then he started talking wwith long dragged out words and sentences over me saying I'll fix yr mes. I'm here now to fix yours and my sisters mess. You can say whatever you want I don't believe you. I hung up on him. It was immature and ridiculous. I then got so mad I texted my wife and saif=d tell yr brother to pick her up tonight (to stay at his house). Accidenatlly I sent him that text and not my wife. So I followed it up noting I was aware what I did and now I cc'd all 3 siblings the same text and told the brother to add, remove or alrter anything I wrote that you disagree wuth or did not happen. He did not change a thing. Now my wife came home fuming. We argued all night. On Jan 31 I took my others advise to be the man to step up to the plate and take all the blame and apologixe. She said to do it to save yr family. So I did. No one responded. A few days later I reached out to her mother agin via a text to all 3 siblings asking them to tell her I'd like to apologize to her and to let me know what day and time worked for her. The sister responded that she relayed my text and ner mothers response was: noe is not a good time. I have my own problems to work out. About a week or so ago I reached out to the sister and pologized to her and she accepted my apology. Now my wife is saying she cant live like this anymore. I asked her what she meant and she said she cant live with us knowng her family will neer in ite me her husbad=nd to another holiday or birthday party. I said I are talking divorce. She said I just know I cant live like this whatever that means. The next day I tried to approach her again and assure her I was making efforts to reach out and make amends with everyone but I can only do that if they accept to talk, which they have not. My wife goes back ad forth with normalcy between us and pleant talking an watching shows together and shopping together to fixing up around the hous to one agai last night saying she cant do it anymore. I've asked her at least 4 times and the latest ast night: all I'm asking is that you weigh what happened with fair eyes an 2 verbally say yr willing to commit to fixing our marriage, Everytime in the past her response was: I can not commit to our marriage until I fix myself first. Last night I asked her is it so hard to sayboth. I'm not asking you to out us in front of you. I just need to hear you say our marriage has meant something the last 25 years by saying I will commit to our marriage. By your not willing to just say that kills me. I told her last night: by not being able to say that today over 1 1/2 months later gives me the notion theres a 90 to 95% no chance you want to fix it. She looked at me with a blank stare and said nothing. I am now for the 3rd time in over a month and a half back on the couch. The crazy thing is she'll still come to me and ask me to sleep in out bed but wont commit to our marriage. My head is spun and I'm coming undone. Yesterday before she cam ehome and argued, I had researched flowers and their meanings. I ordered a beautiful custom specific bouquet about my thoughts of love and devotion for her. Then she dropped the I wont commit bomb. Call me crazy but I decided to still give her the bouquet tonight but I wrote a letter thanking her for the last 25 years, our beautiful kids, our home we designed together, etc. I left a note on the note defining each flower and what it represents to me toward her. This after we already decided yesyerday to sit down with the kids and tell them all. Between this, my surgery, my ever shrinking window of getting back to work to provide for my family. That window closes in July and now the medicine and top it off with the injection I had today, waiting for tonights family discusaion has my stomach upside down. I know this is a novel but does anyone have some sound advise? I would really appreciate some help.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Way too hard to read. I didn't. Go back and edit your post and add spaces/lines between paragraphs. Make paragraphs will only a few sentences each. You will get a lot more advice, otherwise people will skip your thread.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The enter key is your friend... 

Hit the edit key at the bottom of you post and separate that wall of text into a few paragraphs. 

That will allow it to be read and enable you to get some responses. 

It's too hard to read the way it is.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mindspun, no one is picking on you but that block of text is very difficult to read but read I did.

Your wife's family is toxic
Your MIL is probably an alcoholic and definitely has issues in the way she is trying to divide a conquer.

Your wife will know this but is torn between the two. 
You have to be the head of the household and have a family conference including the sister and brother

Tell all of them, the original time for your MIL's stay has expired it is now time for them to take on some of the responsibility

Set a stipulated date for her to move out
If your wife throws a tantrum, let her. I assume your daughter will agree with you.
Tell your wife is she is not happy, wont commit to the marriage etc, that you love her very much, you want the marriage to work but that this is destroying your family and your own family comes first. Tell her she can also move out if she is going to side her mother.

Do not fall for the wiles of this family, you have a few times, apologising, etc. A man's home is his castle and this old witch is playing with your home and family. Get rid of her.


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

Your MIL needs to move out. You guys have done your part.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Agree with others. Your marriage needs to come first, not taking care of your MIL, not worrying about what your inlaws think about you. There's probably a good reason why she doesn't live with her kids... they wouldn't put up with this crap from her.

Set a date for her to get out. I know you're not working but try to put aside money for her deposit and rent... and get her kids to help. Explain that they either help financially or she will suddenly appear on their doorstep with her bags.

Then get yourself and your wife to counseling.

p.s. - Everyone was right about your writing style. Paragraphs are your friend.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Mindspun said:


> I'm in need of advise. My wife and I will be together 25 yers thus August. We've had normal short bumpy roads but ickly always resolve them and fix them. People throughout our years together have always said we are perfect and so happy together. So here it is. Her mom fell on hard financial times after her husband passed. Unable to sustain her cost of living my wife came to me and asked if she could live with us for "2-2 1/2". Saying it would probably take that long for here to pay off her credit card and save enough money for 1st months rent and security. I said of course.
> 
> 
> Well at around the 2 1/2 year mark I asked my wife how it was coming along with her CC and savings. She said she has not saved much moneu and her card has about $4,000 on it. My wife had decided in the beginning to charge her mother rent. I told her that is totalyy up to her and I'd except whatever they come up with. After hearing her deep financial burden I told my wife to deduct $100 from rent and I would pay her private phone and HBO bill. That was 1 year 9 months ago. Around a year and a half ago I was becoming very upset with her mothers lack of trivial things. She never grew up on a septic or well system so I sat everyone down at the table and we discussed the do's and dont's items being flushed or bleach in the drains. Her Mother had continued to not only keep putting toilet paper and Kleenex down the toilet but started stock piling 3 rolls or towels on the back of the toilet. Ten she'd change it to 2 boxesnof Kleenex on the toilet, another box 7' away on a bureu right outsde the bathroom and another box on her night stand just another 4' away. I felt she was doing this deliberately. She has still after all these years not stopped.
> ...


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

It occurred to me that if your mother-in-law were not in the picture, your problems would disappear.


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## Mindspun2 (Mar 23, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your responses. As you see I had to re-register under Mindspun2. I've posted below what I hope is an adequate correction of yesterdays slop. I apologize. I was medicated.



Mindspun 

Registered User



Join Date: Mar 2016

Posts: 1 





Need Advise. 


I'm in need of advise. My wife and I will be together 25 years this August. We've had normal short bumpy roads but quickly always resolve and fix them. People throughout our years together, have always said we are perfect and so happy together. 

So here it is. Her mom fell on hard financial times after her husband passed. Unable to sustain her cost of living, my wife came to me and asked if she could live with us for "2-2 1/2". Saying it would probably take that long for here to pay off her credit card and save enough money for 1st months rent and security. I said of course.

Well at around the 2 1/2 year mark I asked my wife how it was coming along with her CC and savings. She said she has not saved much money and her card has about $4,000 on it (My wife and her siblings had decided in the beginning to charge her mother rent. I told her that is totally up to her and I'd except whatever they come up with). After hearing her deep financial burden I told my wife to deduct $100 from rent and I would pay her private phone and HBO bill. That was 1 year 9 months ago.

Around a year and a half ago I was becoming very upset with her mothers lack of trivial things. She never grew up on a septic or well system so I sat everyone down at the table and we discussed the do's and don'ts of items being flushed or bleach in the drains. Her Mother had continued to not only keep putting toilet paper and Kleenex down the toilet but started stock piling 3 rolls of towels on the back of the toilet. Then she'd change it to 2 boxes of Kleenex on the toilet, another box 7' away on a bureu right outsde the bathroom and another box on her night stand just another 4' away. I felt she was doing this deliberately. She has still after all these years not stopped. For the record I aways went thru my wife with any trivial issue I had.

Now and again through the years our teenage daughter would talk very disrespectful to her grandmother and I would instantly send her to her room and reprimand her. As time went by our daughter came to us and said we were nit being fair to her. That we punish her without hearing her out. We always took grandmas' side no matter what. She was right. So I left work early one day and caught them in the middle of an all out screaming match. Neither knowing I was there, I hid and listened to heart it myself. I heard both of them screaming at eachother with total disrespect and I was shocked. I finally stepped out and asked "what is going on". They both went in their own rooms. I walk away from that thinking 1- what was so bad that 2 family memebers chose to talk to eachother this way and 2 although they were both acting like 13 year olds, there was only 1 13 year old in the argument. The 2 of them became oil and water.

The grandma would report back to her other 2 kids behind all our backs for years. Then this past Novemebr my wife came home from picking up her mother who had been staying at her sons house for a week. My wife asked me to our room where I found her in tears. She said her mother, brother and sister had told her that her mother says that my wife and I have been cold and distant to her from day 1. She then gave me a list of things her mother said about me which I had to wright down.

In August I had a double cervical fusion and a SS implant installed on a 3rd level my neck. I was heavily medicated 24 hours a day and my family was taking turns waking me up sometimes an hour aprt to give me another kind of pill. So in the state I was in I had to wright things down to remember them. 

I asked my wife if I could talk to her mom about the list and she said yes. The next day we did. Her mom and I spoke for 2 hours. 1 item was that I picked on her over the TP and PT and I didn't want her to lean her dirty wet mop on the bathroom wall. She said, come on whats the big deal. You hardly use that bathroom. I said. I can't believe after all the years of explaining the damage it can cause you still do it . Whats so difficult to understand? Then she said I was abusive and her other 2 kids say the same thing . I said can I ask them and she said yes. I called them individually and they both deny ever saying anything about me. The one child said her mother told her I was abusive by picking on her all the time. I said this is ridiculous. Listen to what this whole argument is about. Its immature nonsense.

As time went on she continued with the mop. She did stop putting the TP and PT in the bathroom but low and behold we had clog. I called a plumber out and they found the septic pipe had cracked where it exits the house. Guess what they were pulling out of the pipe. Paper towels. They did say the towels could not have broken the pipe but they did clogg the pipe and don't I know not to put certain things ina septic system. 

As time went on I reached out to all 3 of her kids and spoke with her too, to try and resolve any issues. I just recently found out they have been at it again blaming me for he unhappiness. My wife has said my mother is weak and unhappy and likes to pull on her sisters heart strings to get her to feel bad and help her. Instead she was making everyone angry at me. And at my weakest time after a serious surgery that had me heavily medicated and irrational. 

To this day I have become dependent on a drug called Tramadol. I have sought help from my doctors and am on a plan. Today I received another epidural injection in my neck to help get off the meds. A few weeks ago my wife, her mother and myself were downstairs. I was on my hands and knees cleaning the floor and her mother was poking me in the side and back a wrapping paper tube trying to get me to talk politics with her. It is very well known she and I disagree on politics especially the issue she wanted to discuss. She had a few drinks in her and it was obvious she was looking to fight. I looked up at my wife with lifted eyebrows as to ask for help and she tried. Her mom said no, I wont stop saying I want him to answer my question. All while prodding me with the tube. I got up and walked away.

Then on Jan 28 she was at it again when it was just she and I. I lost my cool and called her an alcoholic and to put down the wine while we talk. She said no. I'm not an alcoholic I'm just weak and your mean to me. I told her about the time I walked in on her argument with my daughter. She says that never happened. You're a liar. I told her at least 3 other incidents and her go to answer is always, no you're a liar. Finally I asked her if we could end the argument on a good note because I had to leave and did not want to walk away from each other upset. She agreed and we did. 

That night I felt I owed my wife an apology for insulting her mother. My wife had the 3 of us sit and talk again. Everything was going good until the part where I said she was drinking and kept yelling at me calling me a liar when I tried to give her examples of her behavior. The grandmother looked calmly in my wifes eyes and said: I don't know where he got that from. That never happened. Luckily one of those items included my wife who verified it did. 

The the next day my wife and I called her sister so I can apologize to her for my insults. She went on the defense immediately and stated her mother never had this white trash, Maury Paulvich, Jerry Springer BS in her life before now. Implying I brought this garbage here. The next day I tried to call her son. The convo started calm and respectful and then blam. He started talking over me saying my mother says you said she doesn't deserve her cats. I was in a twilight zone. I said what are you talking about. Your mother creates things in her head and then gets mad at me as if I did it. Then he started talking with long dragged out words and sentences over me saying I'll fix yr mes. I'm here now to fix yours and my sisters mess. You can say whatever you want I don't believe you. I hung up on him. It was immature and ridiculous.

I then got so mad I texted my wife and said tell your brother to pick her up tonight. Accidenatlly I sent him that text and not my wife. So I followed it up noting I was aware what I did and now I cc'd all 3 siblings the same text. In it I told the brother to add, remove or alter anything I wrote that you disagree with or did not happen. He did not change a thing. That evening my wife came home fuming. We argued all night. 

On Jan 31 I took my mothers advise to be the man, step up to the plate, take all the blame and apologize. She said it's not fair to your wife. She's in the middle and may resent you down the line. She said do it to save your family. So I did. No one responded.

A few days later I reached out to her mother again via a text to all 3 siblings asking them to tell her I'd like to apologize to her and to let me know what day and time worked for her. The sister responded that she relayed my text and ner mothers response was: now is not a good time. I have my own problems to work out. About a week or so ago I reached out to the sister and pologized to her and she accepted my apology. 

Now my wife is saying she cant live like this anymore. I asked her what she meant and crying, she said she can't live like this knowng her family will never invite her husband to another holiday or birthday party. I said are talking divorce. She said I just know I cant live like this whatever that means. The next day I tried to approach her again and assure her I was making efforts to reach out and make amends with everyone but I can only do that if they accept to talk, which they have not. 

My wife goes back and forth sending mixed signals. There's days of normalcy between us with pleant talking, watching shows together, shopping together, talking about fixing up around the house, to again last night saying she cant do it anymore. I've asked her at least 4 times and the latest last night, where I said: all I'm asking is that you weigh what happened with fair eyes and 2, verbally say you're willing to commit to fixing our marriage. In the past her response was: I can not commit to our marriage until I fix myself first.

Last night I asked her is it so hard to say both. I'm not asking you to put us in front of you. I just need to hear you say our marriage has meant something the last 25 years by saying, I will commit to our marriage. I said by your not willing to just say that kills me. I told her: by not being able to say that today, over 1 1/2 months after your mom has left, gives me the notion theres a 90 to 95% no chance you want to fix it. She looked at me with a blank stare and said nothing. 

I am now for the 3rd time in over a month and a half back on the couch. The crazy thing is, she'll still come to me and ask me to sleep in our bed but wont commit to our marriage. My head is spun and I'm coming undone. Yesterday before she cam home (and argued), I had researched flowers and their meanings. I ordered a beautiful custom specific bouquet about my thoughts of love and devotion for her. Then she dropped the I wont commit bomb again. Call me crazy but I decided to still give her the bouquet tonight but I wrote a letter thanking her for the last 25 years, our beautiful kids, our home we designed together, etc. I left a note on the note defining each flower and what it represents to me toward her. This after we already decided yesyerday to sit down with the kids and tell them all. Between this, my surgery, my ever shrinking window of getting back to work to provide for my family (that window closes in July), the daily medicine and top it off with the cervical epidural injection I had today, waiting for tonights family discusaion has my stomach upside down.

I know this is a novel but does anyone have some sound advise? I would really appreciate some help. 

PS. I will attempt to repost under Mindspun2. Thanks again for all your responses. 
PSS. The flowers and note brought her to tears and saying, "This is the first time I feel you understood me since this happened". 



















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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Your MIL needs to move out. She has overstayed her welcome and is crossing boundaries. More importantly, she isn't taking he necessary steps to save her money.


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