# I sent my husband to jail



## Missmilly

Hi everyone, 

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.

Mine was the worse in a long time.

My *name* is Milly, and my husband is *Max*. 

We have a baby (*Bill*) together, and each a son from a previous relationship. My son *John* is 6, his son *Ben* is 8. We are a blended family, one week we have the two boys with us, with the baby, and the other week only the baby. I'd say we are pretty blessed, recently purchased a big home, I resigned from work when Bill turned one because I wasnt ready to wean him or let him be watched by strangers. 

I keep this giant house clean as best as I can, vaccum, laundry, cook, dishes most of the time but my husband helps with that. Sometimes I don't tidy up the toys, or I leave the vaccum laying around because its so heavy and my back hurts. I stay with the baby all day and from 4-630 i get the older kids from the bus on our week, take them all to the park, and cook while husband works. Then at 7 (when they finish eating and go to bed) my husband watches them and I go to yoga (every other day. or do a small errand like the pharmacy). I will eventually go back to work, in 4-5 months, so I can contribute, but my husband doesnt make it very clear whether he needs me to work or not, he often says if you want to be a housewife do more in the house and don't go back to work, but youll get bored etc. I am completely undecided because I feel like with 3 kids, my career will suffer if I always have to take them to their appointments, activities, etc because my husband earns more. Anyway, so because I don't work, and my husband works a lot, he sometimes tells me I contribute to nothing. He paid the downpayment on this house, pays all the bills, but I recently sold my condo and all the money will pay back a line of credit we have on the house, so in that sense I do contribute, plus all the cleaning I do of the house. 

Anyway so that's our life, he feels an imbalance, and I don't think it's fair. On Friday, I asked if this Monday (holiday) I could bring my laptop to a repair shop for an hour and understand what the technicians do, while he stays with the baby and his son (Bill and Ben) , and my mother takes my son (John) to a movie. I figured since I had to bring my mother and my son to the movies (mom doesnt drive) I could quickly go to the laptop shop and then come back. My husband lost his temper and said it wasnt fair, that his son Ben doesnt have to baby sit the baby Bill, and that if Bill is there they cannot do any activitiy like go see a movie etc. I got extremely furious from this because I always feel like when my husband has a day off and his son has no school, he thinks he only has to watch his son, and the baby is only my responsibility. I told him we could split the baby watching time, I could take the baby after I repaired my laptop so that he could take his son to the movie etc. I said Id leave around 1 and be back max at 3. 

He yelled that I highjacked his day, that he cant do anything before , and after that its late. I didnt get why 3 is late, and why he feels like he doesnt have to watch the baby. His plan was to go work at his office anyway, bring his son with him and then take him to a movie, and not watch the baby at all. I got furious and threw the baby's leftover food in the air, then he told me to **** off, that I contribute nothing anyway, my son came inside at that moment while we were arguing really loud, and for no reason he told him " Go upstairs you ******". My son is half white and half black but completely white passing. He doesnt know the meaning of the word ****** and did not need to. My husband usually treats my son as his own and even pays his daycamp, takes him everywhere and loves him. But he insulted him just to hurt me. None of us are racists. Anyway this made me lose it completely at which point I threw 2 bananas at my husband on the side of his head, quite hard. He reacted very badly and hit my lower back with the broom, (with all his force) but it hurt so bad that I collapsed on the floor (I am 5'3 , 100 pounds) I wasnt sure I could stand up again, my son saw me on the floor and cried. 

I had a bad judgement and called the police at that point. 

They came in a delay of 15 minutes but during that time my husbadn picked up the baby, and I was asking him to give me my baby, and in the middle of rage I pointed a knife at my husband and threatened him. 

The cops came, heard both our stories, I refused to make a complaint at that point I realized the kids were too traumatized, they were crying and my step son (Ben ) was yelling to all the neighbors that his dad didnt do anything but his step mom is crazy and called the cops. I told him to shut up really loudly and called his mother to pick him up. She came and since she hates my husband, she told the cops he was a violent man. (he isnt, but he is aggressive, he spat on me in the past, or pushed me hard on the bed) .

My husband was humiliated bygoing inside the police car in front of our neighbors, his ex took his son to her house. She previously tried to take custody away from him twice because he used to have heated arguments with his ex before me, and the son saw everything (she threw coffee, planted a fork in his hand etc) 

Now she is keeping her son on his custody days, she even went to the police to try and get all the details. She called my son ' dad who hates me and always tries to get full custody as well and he begged me to bring him John at his house while I gathered my thoughts. I refused because I knew he would try to get a court order to keep him.

The cops told us youth protection would have to investigate, even though no kid was harmed.

After the cops took my husband, I immediately regretted and went to the police station with my 2 kids. I couldnt see anyone because it was closed (830pm) I spent the night over the phone with cops and the detective, I lied and blamed Rivotril for making me fall on the floor and believe that he hit me. I blamed myself for being tired and angry. They are obliged to make a complaint even if I dont want to (canada) but they released the next morning him with restricitons. (restraining order) Until the files go to the prosecutor, he cannot approach me for 3 weeks. I am letting him see the baby through a friend who helps us. He apparently told my friend that he realized many things during his night in jail, and thinks i need help for my own mental health. Hes probably right, but now my question to all the husbands, would you take back a wife who made you spend the night in jail? have I gone too far? 

I have a huge bruise on my back and it hurts but everyone seems to tell me I should have not called the cops for that. My lawyer will try to get the restrictions lifted, but in the meantime I am very depressed. Not suicidal but depressed over how we reached this state. We love each other and always make time for each other although we are so different. I always feel like we should celebrate things like mother's day, valentine, our anniversary etc , but he feels overworked and pays all the bills, the trips etc so these days mean nothing to him ,and in turn I feel a bit like the magic is gone, like I should contribute more but dont know where to start. I feel a lot less sexual because of our issues, and I do put an effort so that he can release stress in this way, but I definetely feel like I should be more grateful and instead I feel unapreciated. I make dinner every night and when I go back to work i will contribute more, but I think he doesnt realize all I do for our baby. He is 14 months and Im still breastfeeding. I wish to do so until hes 2.5 but my husband doestn support it. He feels our baby should be at daycare and i should be at work, but he tells me to take my time to find something I really like. 

Im not ready and prefer to enjoy these last moments with our son. Weve had this discussion so many times that everytime he comes home, I tell him all the "useful" things I did, where I took our son and all the things i cleaned etc. I think the cop issue was just all our issues blowing over, and I dont wish to divorce, sell the house and split the kids, I just want advice on how to move forward. We will get lawsuits from both our coparents for domestic violence when the kids are with us. 

We have so much trouble coming ahead I Cannot see clear anymore and i do get dark thoughts sometimes. We dont tell our parents about this because they have health troubles so its basically just us trying to solve all this. 

If anyone has any relevant advice, please say. I just wonder if a marriage can recover from a 911 call, and a tired overworked husband who spent one night in a cell, and now all the lawyers we will have to spend on when we just purchased a house....thank you


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## aine

So so sorry you are here. It seems like you both have a temper but no man should raise his hand or broom to a woman. I think there are many red flags from his previous marriage. Your H sounds like he can be violent and to call your son a name and think that he has no responsibility for all the children is really a huge red flag. He has major anger management issues. He sounds verbally abusive also. I think you have to seriously consider whether you both need counselling or whether you should actually be in this marriage at all.
You also seem to make alot of excuses for him, which is a sign of an abuse victim. Your husband left bruises on you, that is serious and he deserves to spend a night in jail if not more. Please seek help from a centre for abused women and stop making excuses for this man.


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## Missmilly

Thankk you so much. The reason I defend him is because I did also throw the bananas, threaten with a knife, and I also punched him. He does so much for the kids and usually takes my son and his son for activities while i watch the baby. Or he watches all 3 kids during dinner when i go to yoga 3 times a week. He watches his baby a lot. But somehow when his older son has a day off he seems to want to be alone with his older son and give me the baby. I think I push people to be violent with me, I had a similar situation with my first son's dad, when he punched me in the face after coming home drunk and i was "nagging" him, I called the cops even tho that was the only time he was violent. My current husband is not usually violent either, but had a really violent ex girlfriend who hit him in front of his kid. Who knows maybe this is why he hit the broom at me. I think that what I need to do for our marriage to be saved is just let him know That I am done, unless he comes up with a serious apology. I could even get a lawyer and claim he is not fit to take care of our children if I get together with his ex, but I don't feel its best for all our kids. I think hes a hard working good man, who never takes time for himself except the gym, does it all for his family and because he cannot allow himself to relax sometimes, he gets these fits of rage. perhaps a separation? I told my friend who helps the baby logistics during his restraining order that I would only see that he is sorry if he sends flowers to my doorstep. So far he has not. I dont know what he thinks. he told her he wants me to get some help, doesnt want a divorce and wants me to have more time to myself while he takes the baby. I have no idea if this is true or he is just trying to make sure I dont make it worse for him when he goes in front of the judge.


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## 3Xnocharm

There is so much wrong here I dont even know where to start. You glossed over your threatening him with a knife while he was holding the baby. Yes you should have called the police when he hit you with the broom, absolutely. Stop defending him that he "isnt violent" because he IS. How in the hell is spitting in your face and shoving you down NOT violent?? 

How the hell does his ex wife have YOUR ex husband's phone number?? Her actions and his past with her paint a pretty clear picture about who your H is. And what about YOU, do you have a history of violence in your past relationships? You two are toxic, and would be doing all of your kids a HUGE favor if you divorced.


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## Missmilly

He was holding the baby in one arm and i was threatening to stab him really far from the baby. But still the biggest mistake i ever did considering mistakes happen so fast. His ex wife and my ex husband met at one of the kids common activities on their weels. They exchange emails and they are both liars. They made a false claim to youth protection when our baby was born, they claimed that one of the kids said my husbadn shook the baby. This was proven false, both kids denied ever saying this, and my husband would never shake the baby, but they are both unhappy crazy exes trying to lie in order to get custody of their respective sons. The youth protection dismissed the false claim and it blew over. this was a year ago. Now unfortunately these two got handed a silver plater to go against us and try to prove that we are unfit parents. We are not except for those fights that dont happen often, the kids were outsdie when we argued, except when my son came insde to use the washroom, at which point my husband called him a ******.


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## BigToe

You both need counseling, you have a caustic relationship whether you recognize it or not. This level of violent interaction is not from a singular instance but certainly was the result of a buildup of bad feelings within you both, about the other. You both need to learn to control your tempers for the sake of the kids. The kids should not be witnessing that kind of violence between parents or seeing them be taken away by the police. I understand "in the moment" anger and rage can take control from a person but you have to step back and think of the kids first.

First:
He was dead wrong to call your son a ******. THAT is almost unforgivable in my book and I don't know how he takes it back, makes it up to, or rationalizes it to your son. I just can't even imagine someone saying that to a child and make no mistake that word is going to stay with your son forever. Hitting you with a broom is a very violent reaction to your throwing banana's at him and he obviously has a problem not only with rage, but looking at you as an equal in regards to a physical confrontation. His response should have been to call the cops and have YOU arrested for domestic abuse. Make no mistake, they will cart a woman/mother off in front of her kids as well.

Second:
You have anger/violence issues as much as your husband does, and I am sure that you are going to end up in jail sometime over domestic violence. Time to use this event as a wakeup call for yourself and realize what YOU do will be imprinted in your kids heads forever. Trust me, 20 years from now the 6 an 8 year olds will be reminiscing about the time mommy had daddy arrested by the cops. I'm not saying the police should never be called, but in this case you exasperated the situation as a result of your own anger/violence. Based upon what you wrote, I think you were selfish to make a big deal out of bringing your laptop where ever it was you wanted to bring it. You admitted your husband works a lot, pays all the bills, and begrudgingly is willing to let you be a stay-at-home-mom. If he was feeling that the baby would interfere with his son having a good time at the movies, you should have respected that and talked about it rationally. I don't like the way you portray yourself in your posting as a victim when you are the one that has chosen to have your kids AND stay home from work. That comes through to me when you use adjectives like "giant house", "heavy" vacuum, and "my back hurts". Oh, you poor thing. You don't need your husband to make the decision about you staying home or going back to work; YOU decide. He's already accepted it, he just wants you to DO more in the house. And because you look at yourself as a "poor thing" that has to clean a giant house with a heavy vacuum I'm inclined to believe his frustrations are warranted. Not to the point of violence however.

Third:
You feel remorse about your husband being arrested because you know you are as much to blame. However, the kids are what matters here. If you and your husband cannot get your tempers under control you should not get back together. It just isn't fair to the children. This can become an isolated incident, but it will take a LOT of work and soul searching from the both of you to do it. You have let your relationship disintegrate into two people that live with each for reasons of survival rather than for reasons of a loving and respectful relationship.

Stop the "victim" mentality. There are thousands and thousands of women who would love the opportunity to stay home and nurture their kids for the price of cleaning the house and vacuuming. If you are worried about your career, then work. But make a f'cking decision and live with YOUR decision. Don't blame your husband for not making it for you.


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## Cynthia

Missmilly said:


> He was holding the baby in one arm and i was threatening to stab him really far from the baby.


This right here shows that you need professional help immediately. If you can't see how you put your child in danger, you need someone to teach you, maybe a judge. You should also be in jail.

Furthermore, you started the physical violence by throwing objects at your husband. I don't know why they took your husband rather than you. Or they should have taken both of you.

Both of you need professional help to get this situation under control immediately or someone is going to be seriously injured or killed.


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## Missmilly

Well I agree. I think I need to serve him those divorce papers. Loved him alot but im quite fed up of this dynamic. I think im best off one week with my two kids and one week alone working on myself.


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## Missmilly

Maybe its selfish, but what about thinking only of his older son on his day off? What about being happy to have both his sons for 2 hours and then having time alone with the eldest? I find that his older son alwyas takes priority, and I havent mentionned that the school thinks he is a psychopath because he talks about killing women, he lies and talks back to professors, and ive been trying to be extra supportive, understand that he has all these psychological appointments. I find that my husband doesnt realize that yelling, insulting, believing his sons lies have actually enforced the bad behaviors of his older son, and he still prioritizes the time with this son rather than seeing that a break from the baby for 2 hours could be beneficial, and he is not a nanny, he is the father. I sold my condo for this house, i resigned from work and I cook and clean, im sorry but for all of you saying i needed to shut up and be grateful, im sure many of you dont realize that if your wife works she doesnt have the time to care for the baby and cook and clean. Its a full time job as well.


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## FieryHairedLady

You both need serious professional help. You are knee deep in an abusive relationship and don't even see it. 

Throwing bananas at anyone is not a good idea, but him hitting you with a broom. Yeah, that is terrible.

Why did you threaten him with the knife? That could of escalated very quickly and someone could be dead. 

Your hubby's ex is right about him.

She needs to get her son out of this crazy house.

What are you two showing the kids?


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## SecondWind

You threw the baby's food in the air, threatened your husband with a knife and and threw two bananas at his head "really hard." He responded to your violence with more violence and he is the one who got arrested.

The two of you have a dysfunctional and toxic relationship. You both need counseling, and maybe you need it more than he does because you make excuses as well as outright lie. That you would lie to they police because you regret calling them since they took him to jail shows a lack of integrity. You should have toldd the police everything YOU did that provoked him to hit you with the broom.

You expect him to apologize by sending flowers to your door? Grow up! If he feels remorse HE gets tio decide how he shows it.


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## FieryHairedLady

MissMilly I am fully on board with you being a SAHM. That is not the problem. The problem is this dysfunctional marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm

From what you have posted here, your husband was NOT agreeable to you stopping work. It doesnt sound like he supports you being home, and you should have taken his feelings into consideration in regards to that. You two are SUPPOSED to be a team, to be partners. Clearly you are not. And if this is how your husband raises his older son, you are going to have one hell of a time with your shared son. If you pursue divorce, I would suggest you fight any kind of shared custody, because your H is a HORRIBLE role model for all these kids, and I feel your son would be put into dangerous situations with him.


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## FieryHairedLady

Flowers are not going to help. That is not a worthy apoligy. Keep it up this man could kill you, or put you in the hospital.

You don't need an apoligy. This man needs to not be abusive to you, and likewise you to him.


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## Missmilly

By reading all this stuff I posted, I realize how my life is torn apart, I finally understand why they say kids decrease your quality of life, marriage is a stupid society construct, my kids deserve better and I probably should bring them to relatives. If therapy fails I have a bunch of rivotrils that Im considering mixing with alcohol. Has anyone here lost it and attempted suicide? Im not saying I will do it, im saying its the most relieving dark thought in my mind. Perhaps spending the rest of my life in a psych ward may feel better than this life that I should be grateful for.


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## Missmilly

I actually told the police that i threatened with a knife, thru bananas and rice. Told everything and this is why they filed a complaint against me too. There are two claims but They decided he was the suspect and I was the victim. It will be resolved in court but Yes i admitted the knife and all I did. I only lied after to protect him.


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## Mr. Nail

Missmilly said:


> --snip-- I just wonder if a marriage can recover from a 911 call, and a tired overworked husband who spent one night in a cell, and now all the lawyers we will have to spend on when we just purchased a house....thank you


relevant? I recall my mother taking dad to the ER after a throwing fight. They recovered. That was sometime around 1975. At that time my life was a mess caused by the attention of a pack of violent bullies. There is a pretty good chance that my mind has rewritten those memories as I couldn't handle it. 

But due to those very bullies, there is no love strong enough to bring me back to any woman who pointed a knife at me and my baby. My Dad could do that, I can not.


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## Missmilly

I never pointed the knife at the baby. My husbad had him to his far left, i pointed the knife in the air and yeller “give me my baby!!!” Then i put it down because i realized it was stupid and i would never stab anyone.


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## Missmilly

The humiliation I fell from the unbearable pain from the broom on my back is what made me call the cops. He slammed it so hard I never believe he could have done that. I collapsed and couldnt get up for 15 min. I have huge bruises and the broom even almost broke ( its torn) i know i provoked him, and i know my anger issues, i would gladly work on them, but my real question is if there is a way to forget / forgive the broom on my back.


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## 3Xnocharm

Missmilly said:


> The humiliation I fell from the unbearable pain from the broom on my back is what made me call the cops. He slammed it so hard I never believe he could have done that. I collapsed and couldnt get up for 15 min. I have huge bruises and the broom even almost broke ( its torn) i know i provoked him, and i know my anger issues, i would gladly work on them,* but my real question is if there is a way to forget / forgive the broom on my back.*


NO. Nor SHOULD you.


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## Missmilly

I asked him many many times, after all he makes 1/3 of a million per year. I dont go on shopping trips or none of it. I stay home with my baby for a few months more. With the costs of daycare, my income of 60k seemed a bit irrelevent , which he told me. But he goes back and forth, “when are you going back to work/ to “ take all the time you need, your income wont change anything” to “ our son should socialize in daycare” to “ find a job that you like but take your time” to its okay if you never find a job but how do you contribute exactly”? I also breastfeed 3 times a night.


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## BigToe

Missmilly said:


> I asked him many many times, after all he makes 1/3 of a million per year. I dont go on shopping trips or none of it. I stay home with my baby for a few months more. With the costs of daycare, my income of 60k seemed a bit irrelevent , which he told me. But he goes back and forth, “when are you going back to work/ to “ take all the time you need, your income wont change anything” to “ our son should socialize in daycare” to “ find a job that you like but take your time” to its okay if you never find a job but how do you contribute exactly”? I also breastfeed 3 times a night.


Is it just me, or is anyone else starting to question the validity of this posting?


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## Missmilly

Why? This is marriage issues. What is invalid to you?


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## aine

Missmilly said:


> Well I agree. I think I need to serve him those divorce papers. Loved him alot but im quite fed up of this dynamic. I think im best off one week with my two kids and one week alone working on myself.


You are not an innocent victim here! You used a knife to threaten him ffs! You both need anger management and have no business bringing up young kids tbh.


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## Missmilly

I was answering the person who said he disagreed with me staying home. I just want to know , how many of you would try and work on this, and how many would get a divorce.


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## aine

Missmilly said:


> By reading all this stuff I posted, I realize how my life is torn apart, I finally understand why they say kids decrease your quality of life, marriage is a stupid society construct, my kids deserve better and I probably should bring them to relatives. If therapy fails I have a bunch of rivotrils that Im considering mixing with alcohol. Has anyone here lost it and attempted suicide? Im not saying I will do it, im saying its the most relieving dark thought in my mind. Perhaps spending the rest of my life in a psych ward may feel better than this life that I should be grateful for.


You need help. You are also playing the ‘oh woe is me’ card here. You have your issues, you are not entirely innocent. Take care f your own side of the road and clean up your act. Do it for your kids.


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## aine

Missmilly said:


> Why? This is marriage issues. What is invalid to you?


There are just too many things that are inconsistent.


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## Bibi1031

aine said:


> There are just too many things that are inconsistent.


That is because she needs serious help. Have you seen a doctor lately. You may be suffering from post partum or even PTSD. 

That is why you are all over the place. I honestly think you have not been well since your first husband, and that is why you fell for this other abusive husband. You don't have the tools to get out of this dysfunction.

You blame yourself for the men hitting or mistreating you. That may be true and it is part of your illness. If they were healthy, they wouldn't hit you st all. They would leave you and demand you seek professional help. Instead, they get abusive. Well, that is because they ARE abusive. 

When we are not healthy, we attract unhealthy partners!


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## SunCMars

Oh, my...

Give up the kids to adoption.
Give up your life to bettering yourself.

.....................................................................................

The thing about children.....

They grow up and can often be supportive and helpful.
They are a built in support group.

If...

If, you treat them with respect.
And, treat yourself and others with respect.

Life is short.
Making it shorter without waiting to see what next month, next year brings is, uh, foolish.

Learn to live, day by day, not worrying so much about one bad day, one bad month.

If you must use drugs, have them prescribed by a Medical Doctor, not a street pusher.





[THM]- Lilith


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## Missmilly

I agree 100% with everything. But people mention “ help” like it is granted. I showed up 3 times at the psych ward here to get help, but each time they made me wait on a bench for 9 hours and said my case was not urgent because I have no intention to kill myself. When I finally saw someone they were dismissive and told me to try Seroquel to sleep better. That made me a zombie and made me feel worse. I am on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist in 3 months. Finally the 3 different therapists I consulted kept asking me open ended questions, blamed my childhood for all my issues, and gave me no tools, all while rushing me out when my hour was over. If anyone on here ever actually received helped that worked, please elaborate!!!


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## 3Xnocharm

Have you tried going to your general practitioner for help? (Seroquel is not a sleep aid, kinda shocked they prescribed that for that reason.) Maybe your GP can get you on an antidepressant until you can get in to see the psychiatrist. You may need other types of drugs to help you, but you can at least maybe keep a grip on yourself in the meantime...


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## Mr. Nail

Missmilly said:


> I never pointed the knife at the baby. My husbad had him to his far left, i pointed the knife in the air and yeller “give me my baby!!!” Then i put it down because i realized it was stupid and i would never stab anyone.





Missmilly said:


> The humiliation I fell from the unbearable pain from the broom on my back is what made me call the cops. He slammed it so hard I never believe he could have done that. I collapsed and couldnt get up for 15 min. I have huge bruises and the broom even almost broke ( its torn) i know i provoked him, and i know my anger issues, i would gladly work on them, but my real question is if there is a way to forget / forgive the broom on my back.


Thank you for the clarification. I fully understand that you were in mama bear mode. I fully believe that you were, under those circumstances, capable of stabbing a person. 
My Dad wound up with a fork embedded in the bridge of his nose. He was able to come back from that and the marriage recovered. They had many years together until he died of cancer (2013). 
Now I said that my dad could come back from a knife threat, because he came back from a fork assault. I told you I could not. I could not return to a relationship That involved proof of the real threat of physical violence. Not Knife, Not Broom, Not firearms, Not fists. It is my "dealbreaker". Now there are a lot of members here who know what I do put up with and forgive and live with. And it may seem silly to them that this is the line for me. 

I don't know where your husbands line is. I don't know where your line is. I strongly Absolutely believe that you two should not see each other without supervision for at least 6 weeks. This is born out by statistics. You are in danger of killing each other. Over babysitting for 2 hours. Yes this is very serious. Yes get help. Yes tell them that you threatened your husband with a knife, and some dope isn't going to cut it. 

I would give the exact same advice to your husband, With the reminder that this is third strike for him. He has enough money to pay for the help you both need.


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## FieryHairedLady

You should of never lied about what he did. If you need to go to court to fight for custody you will now have a "history" of either false allegations, or lying. 

Plus if you went to court to get custody this could of worked in your favor.


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## Missmilly

This is what I thought of after. Maybe therapists will help us maybe not. But now i look like the crazie who lied about something that actually happened where I was the victim of assault, ( and guilty of threatening with knife) . I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow. I hope it resolves and if custody is in question, lets say he is not sorry, becomes worse, doesn’t want to work things out, or becomes violent again, his ex will surely back me up because I think she is already filing for sole custody after this incident. I may or may not have mentionned that his son witnessed many violent fights between my husband and the previous step mother, and the mother filed for custody twice but lost. Im not too sure how the system works, if domestic violence affects custody anyway...


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## FieryHairedLady

If you lied because you were scared of what he would do, then let them know.

My ex started getting abusive with me verbally, then swinging at me, I was too scared to make a report and get him in trouble. 

In hindsight I should of.


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## nekonamida

Missmilly said:


> Im not too sure how the system works, if domestic violence affects custody anyway...


Yes, it does. You are expected by law to provide a stable environment for a child and there is nothing stable about your household. Studies have proven that a child witnessing their parents and get violent makes them more likely to be abusive or get into an abusive relationship than being abused by a parent. Your husband's son is experiencing problems with violence because he has seen your husband and his ex-wife get violent many many times. Do you want your kids to become like him? If not, you need to get far away from your husband. 

I also want you to know that I know multiple abusive and violent men who beat their first wife and older kids who then went on to marry a woman who abused them and treat her kids very well. Suddenly they weren't nearly as violent as they had been when they had someone even more violent to keep them in line. Not saying that's good at all and I don't how frequently you throw things at him, punch him, or threaten him with knives but it's very possible that his ex-wife is telling the truth about him and he is lying about what happened. The correct response to violence is to get away from that person and get police involved. 

You need to realize that this needs to be a huge wake up call. Everything about this situation needs to change because now that the police are involved and custody is being disputed, you are just as much at risk of losing both of your kids as he is. You can do everything right from this point forward and still lose custody. You ****ed up big time for even getting involved with him. At this point, I too question whether the kids actually are better off with your exes because I'm sure they both have a laundry list of terrible things both you and your husband have done to compare notes with.

Get a lawyer with his money, the joint checking account, whatever you can to get them paid. Do everything they tell you to do. That's the only chance you've got.


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## EleGirl

@Missmilly ;

I add white space between paragraphs in your 1st post so we can read it.


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## MattMatt

> I just wonder if a marriage can recover from a 911 call, and a tired overworked husband who spent one night in a cell, and now all the lawyers we will have to spend on when we just purchased a house....thank you


Yes, possibly. But can it recover from a racist, misogynistic, violent bully? Not so sure on that one. 

And now your son knows he thinks your son is a n****r, how do you think your son should respond to that? :scratchhead:


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## EleGirl

How long have the two of you been married?



Missmilly said:


> Maybe its selfish, but what about thinking only of his older son on his day off? What about being happy to have both his sons for 2 hours and then having time alone with the eldest? I find that his older son alwyas takes priority,


You are talking about “Ben”, right? Many men do not relate well to babies but do a lot better with the child as he gets older. This might be the case with your husband. If so, he will bond more with the baby as he gets older.



Missmilly said:


> and I havent mentionned that the school thinks he is a psychopath because he talks about killing women, he lies and talks back to professors, and ive been trying to be extra supportive, understand that he has all these psychological appointments.


Ben, the 8-year-old, talks about killing women at school? Really?
What does his psychiatrist say about his anti-social behavior? This sounds like some very bad, serious issues that the boy has. 


Missmilly said:


> I find that my husband doesnt realize that yelling, insulting, believing his sons lies have actually enforced the bad behaviors of his older son, and he still prioritizes the time with this son rather than seeing that a break from the baby for 2 hours could be beneficial, and he is not a nanny, he is the father.


It sounds like your husband has anger issues. It sounds like there was violence with his ex-wife and his ex-girl friend. So he’s violent and picks women who are violent.


Missmilly said:


> I sold my condo for this house, i resigned from work and I cook and clean, im sorry but for all of you saying i needed to shut up and be grateful, im sure many of you dont realize that if your wife works she doesnt have the time to care for the baby and cook and clean. Its a full time job as well.


Who here is telling you to shut up and be grateful? I see a lot of people saying that there are huge problems in your marriage and that both you and he have anger and violent tendencies. 

You want him to apologize for hitting you with the broom. Well you owe him an apology too for throwing things at him and threatening him with a knife. 

On the topic of saving your marriage or divorce. The two of you cannot continue in this marriage the way it is. At least you should not. 

If you want to try to save the marriage, you two should probably live apart for a while and the each of you work on yourself. The only person you can change is yourself, so that’s where you should focus.

You say that the counselors that you have seen have not helped. Have you tried reading some self-help books. Honestly I’ve found them more helpful than counseling most of the time. Here are two that are very good:

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner 

The Anger Management Workbook for Women: A 5-Step Guide to Managing Your Emotions and Breaking the Cycle of Anger
by Julie Catalano MSW LICSW, Dr. Sandra P Thomas PhD

The point is that you can stop almost 100% of the angry outbursts and violence by simply refusing to engage in it. I was married to a guy who was angry of sometimes physically violent. The book "The Dance of Anger" taught me who to put an end to what seemed like him constantly starting angry arguments that often escalated to him saying hateful things, yelling, and even pushing me, hitting me, etc.

What I learned is that when I noticed that a discussion was escalating, to not engage. Do not defend yourself verbally. Do not try to correct or rationalize. Instead just walk away. The book describes what I call the "STOP" method. Just stop arguing and walk away. Just tell him, "Stop", I'm done talking until we have both calmed down.

It takes two to argue.

Look at the fight you describe in your original post, you threw things at him, hit him, punched him, pointed a knife at him while he was holding the baby. And now you are surprised that he used a broom to put an end to your assault on him? Yea, he should not have done that. But you should not have started the violence.


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## EleGirl

Also.....

It's pretty clear that your husband resents supporting you and 6 year old son. Does the father of your 6 year old son pay any child support?

He's not happy that you are not working. He has no respect for the work that you do in taking care of the children, to include his son.

How many hours a week does he work? 

If you two ever get back together, I suggest you get a job and then the two of you pay to hire a nanny and housekeeper. That way you are not doing all the work around the house, all the child care and holding down a job.


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## Cynthia

Missmilly said:


> Well I agree. I think I need to serve him those divorce papers. Loved him alot but im quite fed up of this dynamic. I think im best off one week with my two kids and one week alone working on myself.


This may be a moot point once child protective services does an investigation. You may find yourself without custody of either of your children. I'm not saying this to be mean. I think you should consider that this might happen.


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## aine

Missmilly said:


> This is what I thought of after. Maybe therapists will help us maybe not. But now i look like the crazie who lied about something that actually happened where I was the victim of assault, ( and guilty of threatening with knife) . I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow. I hope it resolves and if custody is in question, lets say he is not sorry, becomes worse, doesn’t want to work things out, or becomes violent again, his ex will surely back me up because I think she is already filing for sole custody after this incident. I may or may not have mentionned that his son witnessed many violent fights between my husband and the previous step mother, and the mother filed for custody twice but lost. Im not too sure how the system works, if domestic violence affects custody anyway...


Milly, I am sure there are centers for victims of abuse near where you live. That might be the best way to get the help you need or they may have the most appropriate contacts to help you. You may have PTSD due to the trauma and your handling of it. Do not give up on seeking therapy and or help.


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## Laurentium

Missmilly said:


> I think I push people to be violent with me


This is a little piece of insight. You need to figure out why you push people in that way. 



Missmilly said:


> im sorry but for all of you saying i needed to shut up and be grateful


That's interesting. I don't think anyone really said that. You asked for help, people have been trying to help, and you start seeing them as attacking you. Think about that. 



Missmilly said:


> the 3 different therapists I consulted kept asking me open ended questions,


That's exactly what they should do. If three different therapists are all doing it, do you think all three are incompetent, or do you start to think maybe that's right?



> blamed my childhood for all my issues,


I am guessing they are 100% right if they all said it



> all while rushing me out when my hour was over.


What do you expect when your hour is over and the next person is in the waiting room? Seriously? 
This is amazing how you have managed to make yourself see these three therapists as bad, when they are trying to help. 
You have a big habit of finding ways to see everyone as an enemy.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Missmilly said:


> Well I agree. I think I need to serve him those divorce papers. Loved him alot but im quite fed up of this dynamic. I think im best off one week with my two kids and one week alone working on myself.


Best.
Decision.
EVER.

Rid yourself of this POS as soon as you can legally do so.

Anyone who has to stoop to the low HE did - *verbally abusing your child because he was mad at you* - doesn't deserve a second chance.

He's a disrespectful, arrogant, emotionally ABUSIVE, physically ABUSIVE, verbally ABUSIVE, complete and total* jerk-off*. Rid yourself of this degenerate as soon as you can.


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## Missmilly

Thank you for all your answers. Today I am contacting the social service center in my area and I will speak to a social worker or psychologist for free. I opened up to a friend of mine who also has an older son and a baby from a new relationship and it turns out she almost killed herself and then found out about this help and she has been better. She also opted for daycare 1-2 days a week. I am just so unsure about my marriage now it’s as if I don’t know if the memories of the mistakes can make for a peaceful co existence but I will definetely get the books. Thanks again.


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