# Is it okay for husbands to text female co workers?



## Lonesomedove

i would just like to know if it is ok for a husband to text a female co worker? The texts are just banter and joking around and not everyday or all the time because they work side by side basically. Juat a text or two in the morning being funny or a text or two in the afternoon when the boss is hovering and they cant talk. She tells my husband he would look more attractive if he dyed his hair instead of looking like a old man with his few grey's. I do talk to the female and she assures me she doesnt break up marriages and she will keep an eye on him for me. she seems nice but im still weary. My question is......is it ok to text your co worker banter every once in a while?
esp when he knows im insecure and jelouse?


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## magnoliagal

My husband and I have a rule that says no this isn't acceptable. We are old fashioned and both jealous types. He doesn't like me chatting with other men and I don't want him chatting with other women. All his conversations with other women are strictly work related or 1000% friend only. A time or two I've seen him have women cross that line at work with intimacy and he's always responded by backing off. 

Again this is something we both agree on.


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## WhiteRabbit

NO.I am dealing with this issue as we speak and let me tell you, I'm starting to learn that this playful banter bullsh*t doesn't stop at texts...it carries over to their face-to-face interaction and can escalate to "harmless" flirting in the blink of an eye then escalate to a full blown EA and possibly PA. 

Put a stop to it ASAP.


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## Lonesomedove

thing is if i do that he will get upset  he will say i am trying to control him...even when i asked him to stop looking at profile pictures behind my back or just in general he says he will not stop looking and that i am trying to control him and i told him no im not im just insecure and it doesnt make me feel good. But he doesnt seem to understand that. He gets defensive and angry..
also even if i did ask him to stop he will still carry on at work with the banter and i thought might be ok cause just a few texts and harmless banter. now im uneasy and not sure what to do


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## PBear

Define "looking at profile pictures", please...

C


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## Syrum

No, he's putting you in a position to be insecure and jealous. 

His behaviour is wrong, he should care more about you and your feelings, and if you were 100% confidant in him I am sure you would feel secure.


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## HappyAtLast

Absolutely not...this is how EA's and PA's get started


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## WhereAmI

My H texts female coworkers about work and will occasionally get a text about something else. I don't mind that one bit.

If there were multiple texts daily that weren't work related I'd be upset as well. I expect him to be friendly with his coworkers, but not to the point of needing constant contact to discuss random topics. If another woman were to tease him about his looks and suggest something to make him more handsome, I'd ask him to keep contact with her to a minimum and to ignore all non work related texts from then on.


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## Lonesomedove

with looking at profile pictures it is if he sees a woman with cleavage or bending over sexy woman. he says he will not stop looking cause its just looking and he thinks im controlling him asking him to stop.... The texts are not daily just once in a while to put a amount id guess maybe 3 one day and then none for the rest of week or maybe 2 one day and 2 or 3 another day and no more for week. he sits right in front of her and she is a funny person and i think its just banter cause the hair thing came up cause she asked him to dye hair so she doesnt sit beside a 50 year old man and i said i would dye his hair to her on facebook and she said he would look more attractive and young again. She also mentioned to me i have no worries she doesnt ruin marriages or relationships. my husband says i shouldnt worry all he wants is me. i just have a gut feeling because my husband and i are having realtionship troubles that he might be having a emotional affair and she wouldnt know. some woman dont mind there man talking to other woman etc... my husgand knows im insecure because of our issues but he doesnt seem to understand how all this affects me in my issues.


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## PBear

But what kind of profile? Where is he going to see them?

A text or 3 a day doesn't strike me as being unreasonable. But if you've got suspicions of a relationship issue, then start dealing with it/them. Whether or not he's having an EA, deal with the issues.

C


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## bunnybear

It's ok to me as long as it's all work related.


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## Jellybeans

Tread carefully. Especially if she's telling him how he would look more attractive, and banter and blah blah... it's a problem.


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## Lonesomedove

we both add random people for application purposes and some r sexy woman like models etc.... he looks at his co workers profile now and again too but he says he is juts looking he mostly looks at facebook profiles with sexy woman. he sometimes looks at his guy friends pics. with my suspician is because he is distant from me because i am insecure of our relationship and have talks with him about how i feel and he gets fed up and drained he says. i know i have to try and forget past and just trust in him i just hate feeling like im in competitiion with other females.


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## LonelyNLost

It does not sound innocent. Sorry.  

Playful banter is what you do when you are interested in someone. She might just like the attention and not plan on it going anywhere, but that doesn't mean it won't. Someone's intentions are not pure in this "friendship". How would he respond if you just stated that you felt insecure with it instead of telling him to stop?


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## Lonesomedove

he knows im insecure in myself and my marriage. he has done stuff in past to lose my trust but thinks i should leave it in past and start fresh and the more relaxed i am the more relaxed he will be and give me what i need in my realtionship. he says im the only woman for him. he doesnt ever want to split up. i even offered him another woman he doesnt want or even swinging to give him a better sex life (not that i dont give it cause i want it he doesnt) figured he was bored and would offer but he doesnt want it. im so confused. should i be jelouse or am i being to dramatic and stupid about this?

sometimes i feel he doesnt care about my feelings or about what he is doing to make me feel this way. cause what he does affects how i feel. the no sex, distant, moody, and def doesnt liketo talk about our relationship troubles he rolls his eyes and gets mad. i know it is because i was doing it on a daily basis its because i dont think he listens or understands.


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## Jellybeans

Well the reason why you're insecure in yourself and the marriage is cause he's made you lose trust as a consequence of his actions........ 

You offering him another woman... that is insane. Seriously. Why would you do that??? Do you think him sticking it somewhere else is going to make your jealousy/insecurity and trust in him better???

Please read the book Love Must be Tough by James Dobson stat.


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## AFW8

I can't believe she told your husband that he would look better with so and so hair and that she would keep an eye on him. Sounds like YOU need to keep an eye on her! My husband is in the military so he only gets texts from people from work, male and female, but rarely female. I get texts from his friends but only because they try to reach him and they know he doesn't always check his phone and he's mostly with me. So they'll get ahold of me cuz they know I'll relay the message. Not sure what is so important that can't wait for him to get to work...no need for a text, in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lonesomedove

well the co worker is a man hater and keeps telling me she doesnt want to fall in the trap and yes she said she finds my husband attractive but will do anything cause she is not like that and doesnt ruin marriages. she only sends banter mesages once in a blue moon though. im just so insecure and cant talk to him because he either ignores it or rolls his eyes and walks away. i know it can be draining someone u live with and spend most of your time with is constantly talking to you about how you feel and asking if you love me can b hard work. but if he showed me more love and attention and understood how i felt i wouldnt be upset and feeling crappy and needing to talk about it all the time. im so lost  thansk all for the advice but im still not sure if its ok or not how they are.


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## WhiteRabbit

the coworker is a man hater...

i went to school with a girl who was sleeping with a married coworker and had the man's wife convinced she hated men and she was a full blown lesbian. the poor wife later found out the girl was NOT in fact a lesbian and loved men very much...one man in particular,the woman's husband.

just sayin...


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## Jellybeans

You need to stop doing this: 



Lonesomedove said:


> im just so insecure and cant talk to him because he either ignores it or rolls his eyes and walks away. i know it can be draining someone u live with and spend most of your time with is constantly talking to you about how you feel and asking if you love me can b hard work.


It's very clear from your posts that you have low self-esteem so you need to start believing in yourself and standingi up for yourself. You have a problem with respecting yoursef and your own boundaries which is why you are coming across as a total doormat. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but you need q uick reality check.

It is NOT your fault that he cheated. That would be a huge blow to anyone's ego. The fact is, now you don't trust him and he's still doing a whole bunch of sh*t that is making you question him. Understandably. Telling him he can sleep with other women is NOT NOT NOT the answer. You are basically saying, Ok you can go out and f-ck someone else but as long as you stay with me, we're cool.

When in actuality you do NOT feel that way. 

So you are basically serving up his needs and forgetting all about yours. 

Um, no.

What kind of way of thinking is that?

Stand up for yourself.


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## Lonesomedove

i understand i have low self esteem but how do i fix it every time i go to therapist and talk about what is making me down they say i dont need a therapist for my issues i need a marriage counsler but my man doesn not want to do that cause he has insecurities too about talking to strangers. he def cant open up bout how he feels to me and esp a stranger. how can i defeat this situation


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## jenhstn1

I'd flat out tell the co worker how their relationship makes you feel uncomfortable and out of respect to you to stop! The whole man hater sounds like BS and suggesting he dye
his hair to look more attractive is a major red flag. I've been in a similar situation...


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## Lonesomedove

Thank you all for the help and advice it has been helpful.


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## tjlee

magnoliagal said:


> My husband and I have a rule that says no this isn't acceptable. We are old fashioned and both jealous types. He doesn't like me chatting with other men and I don't want him chatting with other women. All his conversations with other women are strictly work related or 1000% friend only. A time or two I've seen him have women cross that line at work with intimacy and he's always responded by backing off.
> 
> Again this is something we both agree on.


Wow I would love it if my wife and I had the same type of relationship going on. You are very lucky magnoliagal. I have tried to reason with my wife on this issue but she just doesn't understand my feelings.

Lonesomedove, facebook and social media, and texting, is dangerous and it can escalate in the blink of an eye. Last year my wife had a major EA. they were just good friends one moment, then the next they were sexting and we almost lost our marriage. Be careful.


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## Enchantment

Lonesomedove said:


> well the co worker is a man hater and keeps telling me she doesnt want to fall in the trap and yes she said she finds my husband attractive but will do anything cause she is not like that and doesnt ruin marriages. she only sends banter mesages once in a blue moon though. im just so insecure and cant talk to him because he either ignores it or rolls his eyes and walks away. i know it can be draining someone u live with and spend most of your time with is constantly talking to you about how you feel and asking if you love me can b hard work. but if he showed me more love and attention and understood how i felt i wouldnt be upset and feeling crappy and needing to talk about it all the time. im so lost  thansk all for the advice but im still not sure if its ok or not how they are.


Methinks the co-worker doth protest too much!

In my opinion, it is not okay to send texts between co-workers unless they are work-related. Otherwise, it is totally unprofessional.

You are also being too needy and clingy to your husband, and that it totally turning him off - which may be why he is receptive to the inappropriate flirty texting of his co-worker. You need to work on yourself, so that you can become a strong, independent woman. Have you ever considered going to individual counseling?


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