# It's all a complete mess!



## feelingthesting (Sep 5, 2012)

I met Steven when I was 12, we became fast friends. I always had a "crush" on him and by the time we were 18 we were best friends and we never seen apart. He and I always kept things at just a friendship even though both of us have had feelings for each other since day one. He always dated other girls, I dated other guys.
At 18 I met Jason and fell head over heels in love with him, we were together for 3 years but after two he began cheat, drinking and doing drugs. 6 weeks after we had been together three years he was high and was killed in a car wreck. I went through a living hell for more than 6 months during this time Steven began dating another girl and things seemed serious with her - our friendship dwindled to just a few visits a month. Around the 6 month mark we were hanging out just as we had always done and we were standing outside his car talking and he leans in and kisses me. For the first time in my life I felt a real kiss, nothing else existed I didn't get "butterflies" it completely turned my stomach, made me dizzy, my heart was racing I felt as though I was passing out but it was heaven on earth - that was the first, last and only REAL kiss I've ever had - it lasted for forever and I don't know why but once I came back down to earth and realized what was happening I pulled away and looked at him almost in shock and said "you have a girlfriend" he never apologized to me it was just let go He continued to date his then girlfriend and just a few months later I met my now husband.

Aaron and I met through a mutual friend and hit it off immediately. We talked, we laughed, we dated and he treated me amazing. I don't know if I wasn't thinking clearly or if my heart hadn't had time to heal but after just a year of dating he asked me to marry him, I of course accepted. We were married less than 6 months later. Just three months into our marriage birth control failed and I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant, we talked things over and I told him then I wasn't capable of having an abortion. I thought everything was well. Fast forward 2 years, I'm in a 3 year old marriage with a two year old child. Steven & his ex split up over a year ago - he hasn't dated anyone since (Steven was in the room when my baby was taken by emergency c-section because my husband was at work and didn't get there in time)
My husband has NO passion, NO sex drive no anything - he "tolerates" me and has for more than 2 years - he's still good to me, he's an amazing father but he has no interest in me. We've talked about everything I've been open and honest with him that I NEED attention, I CRAVE attention like any other woman on earth. We've been to the Dr's he's been tested for everything and nothing is wrong with him, it's just me he has said that while he finds me beautiful he has no interest in sex itself it's "easier" to "finish himself off". He isn't having an affair and neither am I but I've come to the realization that despite the fact that we love each other dearly both of us are in love with other people. He with his ex and me with Steven. I have always been in love with him - I was just always too afraid to ruin the friendship or to not have those feelings returned. A few weeks ago we were hanging out together and he looked at me and said to me "Someday you'll open your eyes and see what's always been right in front of you. I let you back away once without even trying, I won't make that mistake again. If it's ten years from now I'll still be waiting" I broke down right there in his arms. 

I feel like crap. I'm in a loveless marriage and holding on to threads because I want to make it work, I don't want to be another divorce statistic. I don't want to have an affair (which I could and would never do) but I'm lost. All I want is not love Steven and to love my husband the way I've always loved my best friend and I want my husband to love me back. Has anyone else out there been through this? Is there any hope for my marriage? 

I don't want to feel alone anymore


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

there you have the answer - your true love Steven has confessed to you and now the only issue you need to resolve is your children.

I guess Aaron also knows that this is a loveless marriage which is perhaps easier to for both of you to break apart beacuse there is a mutual understanding about it.

I have heard that some marriages exist solely because of their children - Are you one of those personalities who can sacrifice your own personal life for your offsprings? 

Let me know...


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## saphir (Sep 6, 2012)

There's a few things you've written that I can so totally relate to, particularly the bit about your husband being an amazing father but you get nothing - my thoughts on this is that he will always be your sons father but he doesn't always have to be your husband, do you see yourself living like this for the next 5years, 10 years etc ?? 

It's so hard when we want somebody to do or be something that they're not.

I think you have 2 choices, you can either settle and decide that you'll stay with your husband and potentially be ok but maybe not really happy
or
You can leave and work thinks out with Steven and possibly be with the person who really gets you.

Life is just too short to not truly be happy even if it does make you sad in the beginning...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you're so close to Steven that he was in the birthing room instead of your husband and you're still gaga for your childish nostalgic love for him, then you are in a fog of affair-mindset because you've been in an EA all along. Your H was your backup plan and now you're bored and want to go back to the other guy. You've re-written your marital history in your head, I suspect, and you can't see your H's good qualities because you are infatuated with the OM. Perhaps the reason you're in a loveless marriage is because your husband senses that you're not even in it at all and is therefore not wasting his energy in it. Either get both your feet in the marriage by committing to counseling, no contact with your affair partner, and an honest look at yourself to figure out why you aren't really trying to make it work (fear?), or else divorce your H and go off to be with your true love in the hopes that it will last. Your h deserves better than what you're giving him and you don't want him anyway so do him a favor and put him out of his misery because your dishonesty is cowardly and unfair. You will all be happier that way and maybe you can keep things civil enough to co-patent your children.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

I felt that 'feelingthesting' actually got into her marriage with Aaron hastily and please note that the pregnancy was due to a birth control failure. 

Strictly speaking, her EA with Steven was there before she knew Aaron, partly because she thought she had no chance with Steven as he was dating his then girlfriend.

To me, Aaron was never a relationship meant to be for 'feelingthesting' at the emotional level and for a woman, an emotional affair is more realistic and concrete than a physical one.


The problem with Steven though is that you never know if this real love would be a happy forever ending for you. You may start seeing Steven and then realise that "hey he isn't really someone that I expected him to be." Now, then it would be a bigger problem - you will have children to take care of and then regret that you divorced Aaron.


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## feelingthesting (Sep 5, 2012)

I need to clear something up here with this. My husband and I have spent the last 6 months in counseling, I had no contact with Steven for more than a year until a few weeks ago at the mall because I saw all of this coming. Our marriage counselor was the person to bring to attention that my husband is still in love with his ex and that he needed to work through those feelings first, she also has referred to our marriage as one of haste where we tolerate each other. The situation is so hopeless that there isn't any point in us continuing to go - it's not helping. I WANT to love my husband I don't want to love my best friend. Also, I've not retold the story in my head any differently than it has happened. Our marriage was never one of passion - even before I realized I was in love with Steven. I put everything I had out there, all of me and I'm still being honest and open with him and I'm trying so hard because I DO see the GREAT qualities in him but I haven't ever been able to fully fall in love with him. As it stands right now we are both aware that our marriage exists because of our child (only one) which is why both of us are still here, both of us grew up in "broken" homes and both of us want to fall inlove with each other because we don't want our child to experience that life.

As for the passion, what little bit of passion he did have for me faded as soon as I began to show when I was pregnant and although I have lost every pound of my pregnancy weight he has never had much interest in me since, so much so I can tell you that we have had sex 19 times since I was 4 months pregnant (april of 2010) and I have tried - I tried to fix this before it spiraled out of control and decided to do the 365 challenge we made it a grand total of 2 days before I was told "I'm satisfied, that's enough for me" - we do talk, we go out we do things together but we feel more like friends - I can't imagine my life without him but at the same time I almost choke on the word husband because we are more like two friends who have a child together. 


that's why I am here - everything else has failed! I want so desperately to love him because he is a good man and I think I could if I knew some way to make him want me! I want a husband who doesn't just hand me his pay check and say buy whatever you want, I want a husband who doesn't forget my birthday (even if it's just saying happy birthday) I want a husband who wants to talk to me not his buddies on XBox Live - I want attention - I know deep in my heart it's the missing key! He's an amazing father, a great worker & provider, he's faithful and he's putting forth as much effort as I am into the counseling etc. but he still fails in the attention dept. (he even failed the "exercises" our therapist gave us to do - such has hugging several times a day, kiss me, look deep into my eyes, spend time just holding each others hands etc. he got no further than 1 day of it) he's perfect except that he has no passion/desire for me but HOW does one fall out of love with someone you have loved for 12 years and inlove with someone who doesn't pay attention to you? 

That's more of what I'm asking and if there's a way to get him to pay attention to me, not just when our child is awake but to REALLY pay attention to me, how?


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

feelingthesting said:


> As for the passion, what little bit of passion he did have for me faded as soon as I began to show when I was pregnant and although I have lost every pound of my pregnancy weight he has never had much interest in me since, so much so I can tell you that we have had sex 19 times since I was 4 months pregnant (april of 2010) and I have tried - I tried to fix this before it spiraled out of control and decided to do the 365 challenge we made it a grand total of 2 days before I was told "I'm satisfied, that's enough for me" - we do talk, we go out we do things together but we feel more like friends - I can't imagine my life without him but at the same time I almost choke on the word husband because we are more like two friends who have a child together.
> 
> 
> That's more of what I'm asking and if there's a way to get him to pay attention to me, not just when our child is awake but to REALLY pay attention to me, how?


So typical of men to fall out of passion when their wives are pregnant.

as for how to get him to pay more attention to you - he needs to start being aware from within himself internally that a relationship with a WOMAN lasts if a man satisfies with emotionally. 

Sometimes take the initative and put his arms around you whilst you are doing your housework and tell him that you like it this way and then give him a deep kiss.

I do think that men are a bit brainwashed from the idea that a relationship's success is in proportion to their bedroom performance as there are so much media coverage on various magazines of "Sex positions you never knew!" or "what do girls really like in bed" type of rubbish articles. 

They seem to have forgotten that sometimes being simple and done properly is better than trying out novelty without care.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

bahbahsheep said:


> So typical of men to fall out of passion when their wives are pregnant.


Since when is it "typical" of men to fall out of passion with pregnant wives? Do we really want to go down this road of tossing around nonsensical stereotypes? Because the fellas sure could have a field day on this one....

Note that the OP clearly said that her husband already had "little passion" _before_ she got pregnant. Her pregnancy seemed to merely exacerbate an already present problem.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

feelingthesting said:


> I met Steven when I was 12, we became fast friends. I always had a "crush" on him and by the time we were 18 we were best friends and we never seen apart. He and I always kept things at just a friendship even though both of us have had feelings for each other since day one. He always dated other girls, I dated other guys.
> At 18 I met Jason and fell head over heels in love with him, we were together for 3 years but after two he began cheat, drinking and doing drugs. 6 weeks after we had been together three years he was high and was killed in a car wreck. I went through a living hell for more than 6 months during this time Steven began dating another girl and things seemed serious with her - our friendship dwindled to just a few visits a month. Around the 6 month mark we were hanging out just as we had always done and we were standing outside his car talking and he leans in and kisses me. For the first time in my life I felt a real kiss, nothing else existed I didn't get "butterflies" it completely turned my stomach, made me dizzy, my heart was racing I felt as though I was passing out but it was heaven on earth - that was the first, last and only REAL kiss I've ever had - it lasted for forever and I don't know why but once I came back down to earth...


This is familiar territory for my wife and I. We met at 14 years old. I still recall the very first time I saw her. It was like something clicked inside of me. I was a shy, awkward mess back then. I'd wanted to try and ask her out, but never got the courage. Very quickly though we became inseparable best friends, and my feelings seemed to die pretty soon. We had a great friendship, we were extremely close, especially for a male and female. But we didn't feel any temptation to be together at all, and just loved being best friends.

Then I fell in love with her five years later. By that point I'd been engaged briefly, and lost her. She was seeing some other guy. I tried to stifle the feelings, but they kept coming back, stronger than ever. I finally told her, and she said she didn't return those feelings at all. I prayed about it and God whispered in my spirit to hold on, that this woman would one day be my wife. I held on to his words because there was no other indications it would ever happen. It took two years before she could see me like I saw her, and we gave it a try. It was tough at first, the transition from friends to more was extraordinarily awkward for us. We got close to calling it quits a few times during the early days of our relationship. It took us MONTHS to even kiss. She was terrified to kiss me because she always said that she could tell everything she needed to know about her feelings from a kiss. What if we kissed and there was no spark? Then we'd have lost our relationship and our extraordinary friendship, all for nothing.

Well when we finally did, it was exactly like you described. The world stopped. It like they describe in all the books, and the most romantic of films. When the kiss was done we both knew that our entire lives had changed. We were both completely changed in an instant. She was so intoxicated from the kiss that she bumped into the wall on the way out, and had trouble walking back to her car! 

We've been together now for 12 years, and were best friends for 6 years before that. I am more in love with her now than I ever have been, and she with me. We've had our ups, and downs, like anybody, but what has never changed is this incredible bond between us. This love. Our entire foundation is built on it. That "real kiss", as you describe it, set in motion a love story that is still going strong to this day.

You and I are not the same. I can, however, draw parallels where I see them. I know that if we'd walked away from each other, from all of that, it would have been the worst mistake of both our lives. 

Is what you and Steven have real? Or is it a nice dream that won't hold up to reality? None of us know. What I do know is that I feel very kindred to your story with Steven. And I walked out my dream, listened to the promises in my spirit, and it yielded me the kind of love story that I myself still have trouble believing sometimes, and one I am thankful for every single day of my life.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't think you can change your husband. Sometimes when people get married they think they can change someone but it usually doesn't work.

Something to think about - if you do divorce, it is usually best for children when they are very young so that the shuttling between parents, etc. seems normal for them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

feelingthesting said:


> I don't want to have an affair (which I could and would never do) but I'm lost.


You are having an affair and have been, probably the entire time you've been married.

A big, emotional affair. 

There have been boundaries crossed this entire time. 

You need to own that. 

My advice is very simple: if you truly feel you are not love your husband anymor enad want out, get a divorce. But don't stay with him out of pity or because you don't want to be a number or "divorce statistic." It's much worse to stay in a loveless marriage than it is to be out of one. It's clear you love Steven, and not your husband. Be advised, there are no guarantees in life. So even if you divorce, things may not work out with Steven since nothing is promised. But I can't imagine anything worse than staying married to someone you do not love. It's a farce. 

Curious: how old are you? 

Did you ever sleep with Steven?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

bahbahsheep said:


> So typical of men to fall out of passion when their wives are pregnant.


I'm sorry your personal experience with men is so bad, but DON'T YOU DARE make such an insulting, uneducated and FALSE generalization.

My wife has never been more beautiful or sexy as when she was pregnant with my son! I love my wife with 100% of my being, and as much as she's an AMAZING woman, friend and wife, she's an even better mother. 

For MOST MEN, who love their wives, the idea of this amazing woman giving up her body to grow and protect your unborn child is the GREATEST sacrifice a woman can give to a marriage and family and it's also AMAZINGLY beautiful.

Pregnant = Sexy to me. My wife may not feel beautiful, but I try like HECK!!! to make her feel it or at least to be reassured to know that she may not think she's beautiful or sexy BUT SHE IS TO ME!!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

The reality is you can't change your husband. Only he can do that. 

What you have control over is you can change is yourself and hope he changes in response. My suggestion is to continue working with the counsellor to try to modify the dynamic of the relationship with your husband.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

For those stringing up the OP for being a bad wife, it's worth nothing that the OP already clarified:

A. Her husband is in love with another woman. The freaking counselor is the one who got him to admit this.

B. Until fairly recently she hadn't even seen Steve for over a year.

C. Her husband has NO sexual desire for her. He is with her for the kids, and nothing else.

D. She did not fall into an EA with Steve. Steve was in her life, and heart, before Aaron. She didn't develop brand new feelings for him because her marriage was failing. They were already there, and were there LONG before she wed.


This woman does not deserve to be strung up like the town harlot. It amazes me how little people are saying about what kind of hell her husband is likewise inflicting on the situation, and her.


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## feelingthesting (Sep 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Curious: how old are you?
> 
> Did you ever sleep with Steven?



I am 27, my husband is 29 and no I have never had sex or any type of sexual contact with Steven aside from the kiss 5 years ago.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

This dilemma is very easily resolved. You should divorce your husband and marry/become a couple with Steven. Your H has no interest in you and he loves someone else. You know Steven is madly in love with you and is prepared to wait for you until the end of time. You love Steven and not your husband. 

You don't honestly want to stay married just for the statistics? :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jaquen said:


> For those stringing up the OP for being a bad wife, it's worth nothing that the OP already clarified:
> 
> D. She did not fall into an EA with Steve. Steve was in her life, and heart, before Aaron. She didn't develop brand new feelings for him because her marriage was failing. They were already there, and were there LONG before she wed.
> 
> ...


Nobody here is saying she's a bad wife or "stringing her up like the town harlot." Most have pointed out that she has two options: either work on her marriage or get a divorce. 

No matter how you try to downplay it, this IS and has been an emotional affair. Shared secrets/feelings confessions between them that her husband has no clue about and the fact she's always carried a torch for him while married to another yet has chosen to stay in contact with him crossing boundaries make it so. It is what it is.

OP--if you truly do not love your husband and are in love with someone else, get a divorce. There is absolutely no reason to stay married to someone if you are in love with someone else. It's not fair to you or your husband to stay in a farce of a marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

It's important to again note that the husband seems very aware that the marriage is a sham. They both are staying because they don't want to be the perpetrators of a "broken home". He likewise is in love with another. He's not a victim in this.


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