# Living with an insecure husband



## confusedinOK

Hello Everyone,
I have been married to my husband for two years now. He is thirty-three years old and I am twenty-six. We have a nineteen month old daughter. I am living twelve hours from my family and all I have in Oklahoma is him and is family (who keep to themselves). He has been married before and has a lot of baggage from his first divorce. He is extremely OCD and very, very critical of me. He will not allow me to leave the house without him or our child. He claims that I intend to "leave my family" when I simply ask for alone time to bring movies back to Blockbuster. He is constantly on my case about something everyday, and it's making me miserable. He feels all his job consists of is to go out and work and mow the grass during the spring, summer and fall. I have no help with our daughter. Basically, my day consists of caring for our child, cooking, cleaning, laundry and school work (I am attending an online college). It annoys me to no end when he walks through the door and jumps on my case about finding a crumb of bread on the floor (which is his OCD talking). He belittles my cleaning efforts because I am not as meticulous as he is and I do not clean behind the base of the toilet like he would (again, his OCD talking). He got jealous one day because I took a picture with a movie star that came into town. He kept saying, "oh, you want him. You wish you could be with him," all of his insecurity talking there. See, I feel the problem is that he is sooo insecure he is smothering me and controlling me to make himself feel better. It's actually driving me away because I am getting tired of reassuring him that I care and putting up with his negative and derogatory comments. Has anyone been in a similar situation, trying to find ways to live with an insecure spouse? Please help, any advice will be greatly appreciated!


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## Mom6547

STOP reassuring him that you care. STOP putting up. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. 

If he is insecure, the needs to own that and grow up. He may need counseling or the two of you may need counseling to get there. Read up on effective limit and boundary setting in marriage.

Good luck.


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## 827Aug

Good grief! I honestly don't know how you put up with this behavior. The clean house part has got to be next to impossible with a toddler around. Does he do this type of behavior at work? 

Counseling sounds like a good starting point.


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## danavince

His behavior, as you have described it, is abusive. Being insecure does not give license to treating someone in this deplorable manner. I agree with the previous posts that counseling is needed. If he will not go, you should go for yourself. Being treated this way is not okay.


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## confusedinOK

Thank you all for your posts. I have a very bad habit of not standing up for myself which, through the years, has caused me significant problems in the way of being a "doormat" in relationships. We have decided to try out marital counseling and see what happens from there. @ 827Aug- In response to your post, he is definitely insecure at work too. He is so performance oriented that when he makes a mistake, he gets so angry that he approaches his bosses asks them to print out the document containing his failure and to show him where he went wrong. It's crazy, I know! I, personally, wouldn't have the guts to approach my employer and go through with that insane nonsense. I would think they would not only lose respect for me, but lose interest in helping me get promoted as well. I extremely hope this counseling we're fixing to embark on helps us!


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## major misfit

I hope the MC will encourage him to get individual counseling as well. I would ask that you read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. See if you recognize your husband in there. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.

p.s....I'm in Oklahoma as well.


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## Xena

um, if he's like this, why did you marry him? :/


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## Xena

By the way that sounds like a really bad environment to bring a child up in. I would leave until he can get some help. Unhealthy for both of you. ESPECIALLY the kid. Pleas don't let your child grow up with a freak like that in the home...it will mess them up big time. Kids need to be able to be kids and run around and make noise and mess and HAVE FUN!


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## Rachel-

To Xena,
you are right but I have similar situation with a very controlling husband and I can tell you that this kind of men are masters in manipulation and most of the time very charming at the point to make you feel a real queen. It's only after few years that you start realizing that something isn't quite right and you shouldn't feel guilty of going shopping or having a female friend. I can tell you is hard when you find yourself involved in this kind of relationship. After 14 years I have started to rebel to be treated as a maid in my own home and still he is telling me that it is all in my mind and that when you repeat things to yourself you think that they are real but they are not.
He is practically indirectly telling me that I AM CRAZY.


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## Rachel-

To confused in ok,
please let us know how things are going.
I know about roller coasters relationship. Ups and dawns can put you really down. I can really relate to you.
I hope things are better for you two.


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## amazonwoman

you know what i just got married about 7 weeks ago and i am beginning to realize that my husband is insecure. I do love him dearly and never give a reason for him to think i dont but he seems to need reassurance all the time and that is beginning to unnerve me. i did not really see it or had a word for it before until i told a friend that he acted that way and she said he was insecure. just hang in there. I think i need to deal with my issue now and hope tht your counselling works out


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## that_girl

Somewhere along the line in his life, he lost someone very important to him without a warning.

I used to behave like him until i got into therapy.


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## gg23

I have been married almost 19 years to a very insecure man, whom I love, but who drains me. Yes, he had a tough life as a child, but that was a long time ago and many good things have come his way as an adult. I'm weary of propping him up all the time, constantly reassuring him and 'dealing' with his verbal abuse. We've had marriage counseling, talked, talked and talked some more. Our marriage is a constant roller coaster. About the time I think it's actually getting better, down the slope it goes. I'm too old to go, but too old to be on this ride. I need a little reassurance and consistency too. Yet, here I am. I'm sorry, darling, for what you are dealing with. I understand. I hope you have the strength to do something about it before you are my age.


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## Uptown

GG, this is a 4-year-old Zombie thread. If you start your own thread, I would be glad to participate. The behaviors you list -- e.g., 19 years of verbal abuse, insecurity, neediness, and instability -- are warning signs for possibly having strong traits of a personality disorder.


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