# Never thought this would happen to me



## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

On the 15th November last year I asked my husband if something was wrong, he had been acting distant and weird for a few weeks. He asked me if I loved him and I said yes of course I love you, do you love me... and he said no 
Since then things have just gone downhill.. to start with he said he wanted to work on things and then after a few weeks he said he wanted to move out into a place of his own. 

We decided that we would wait until after Christmas to say anything to the kids and then I ended up going to my sisters for the first 2 weeks in January as a final attempt to try and give him space and hoping that while I was away he would change his mind or come to his senses. When I got home he told me that he still felt the same and he was going to stay with his friend until he found a place of his own. The next day we went to see the counsellor together and it was awful, there was nothing that was going to make him change his mind and stay. We told the kids that afternoon when we got home from the counsellors, it was one of the worst things I have ever had to do and we were both crying when we told them.

That was the 17th January and since then he has moved into a house of his own. He is happy with how things are now and happy living on his own. The kids are currently spending a week with me and then a week with him. When I don’t have the kids I struggle to cope, it is so so quiet without them at home.
I have tried to get out and do things, going to friends, exercising etc but nothing makes me feel better. It is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep at night 

We are both still seeing the counsellor but separately since he left.
Yesterday I had a talk to him and told him that all i wanted was for him to come home and try and work on things. He told me he doesn’t love me and he can’t see that changing for a long time if ever. He has been feeling like this for at least 12 months. He also said that he is starting a new life now without me and at the moment he can’t see us ever getting back together and that it wouldn’t bother him if I went out to dinner or the movies with another guy.

The counsellor suggested that we have a “date” every week or 2 and we have been to lunch a couple of times since he left, but when we go he can’t even look at me. He says he doesn’t want to have fun or enjoy himself because if he does I will think that we are going to get back together.

I honestly don’t know what else to do... this is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
There is definitely no one else, I’ve asked him, the Counsellors asked him and both of our families have asked him and he has said that is not what this is about.

He just doesn’t love me anymore, there is no attraction or connection and he just sees me as the mother of his children.
Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. 
My husband and I are both 34 and have been married for 9 years this year but together for quite a few years before that.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

sadangel...my story is almost identical...9 years of marriage (in Aug it'll be 10) and 2 small children ... told me he doesn't love me ..no connection...moved out and has been on his own since Dec1st.
He kind of reconciled with me a few days ago but we live in different states and hopefully will move in together at the end of next month.
He started making some plans for us as a family and couple but the connection that we had is really broken at the moment...we will work on it when i am able to physically see him.

He calls now 1 or 2 times a day and we talk but the conversations are not really about "us" yet...It's very hard.
I'm sorry you're also going through this HELL.This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and i still can't believe that my lovely amazing husband would do something like that to me. 
hugs


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

That's so sad.  My H and I are going through a rough time, but he says he loves me so much. He has no hope that we can work this out, and he won't say he wants to try. But he says he does want us to be happy. He's all depressed and going through some sort of midlife crisis. He's almost 34 and I'm 32. We've been married 10 years. I think this happens sometimes. Do some reading and try to focus on you. Make the changes necessary to where he doesn't think you'll always be there. Read Divorce Busters. Good luck.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Almost the same here. 10 years & 3 children, he felt that he became a fixture in the house & decided to move out. Not sure where we are going at this point.

It is such a horrible place to be in. Lonely & scary.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Almost the same here. 10 years & 3 children, he felt that he became a fixture in the house & decided to move out. Not sure where we are going at this point.
> 
> It is such a horrible place to be in. Lonely & scary.


sort of know how that feels actually.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

OK so give me insight as to how to try to repair it.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My story is in my profile. I was told that my wife didn't see a future between us 6 months into counseling. 2 months of separation later we are happy.

My wife didn't tell me how unhappy she was for a long time.

Your husband will probably need space and time to figure his sh*t out. Hopefully he decides he wants back in and wants to tell you about and work on the issues.

Best of luck in your story.


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

vivea said:


> sadangel...my story is almost identical...9 years of marriage (in Aug it'll be 10) and 2 small children ... told me he doesn't love me ..no connection...moved out and has been on his own since Dec1st.
> He kind of reconciled with me a few days ago but we live in different states and hopefully will move in together at the end of next month.
> He started making some plans for us as a family and couple but the connection that we had is really broken at the moment...we will work on it when i am able to physically see him.
> 
> ...


Thanks Vivea, its good that you have some hope and hopefully things continue to improve for you guys! You're right it is hell, i feel like I'm living in a nightmare!


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> That's so sad.  My H and I are going through a rough time, but he says he loves me so much. He has no hope that we can work this out, and he won't say he wants to try. But he says he does want us to be happy. He's all depressed and going through some sort of midlife crisis. He's almost 34 and I'm 32. We've been married 10 years. I think this happens sometimes. Do some reading and try to focus on you. Make the changes necessary to where he doesn't think you'll always be there. Read Divorce Busters. Good luck.


Thanks  It's positive that your husband still loves you for sure! My husband tells me everytime we talk about our relationship that he definitely doesnt love me... it hurts so much.
I am sure that my hubby is having some sort of crisis, I'm just really disappointed that rather than giving things a good shot he has just walked away.. all those years meant nothing


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Almost the same here. 10 years & 3 children, he felt that he became a fixture in the house & decided to move out. Not sure where we are going at this point.
> 
> It is such a horrible place to be in. Lonely & scary.


Yep it is very scary.. I hate to even think about moving on or even worse him moving on and being with someone else, makes me feel so sick!


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

anx said:


> My story is in my profile. I was told that my wife didn't see a future between us 6 months into counseling. 2 months of separation later we are happy.
> 
> My wife didn't tell me how unhappy she was for a long time.
> 
> ...


Hey Anx, thanks for that and how awesome that you guys are working things out! I so hope that my hubby changes his mind or at least decides that working on things is what he wants to do. It sucks being so out of control in a situation though.. not being able to do anything is awful!

It's hard to see that what he is doing is making him happy... how can leaving your wife and family make u happy?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> My husband tells me everytime we talk about our relationship that he definitely doesnt love me... it hurts so much.


H. said that to me a few times as well....,sounded so sure about it , told me uglier things than that actually....things that i would never in a million years think he can say about me...

He did tell me though numerous times that he is very confused...in our story there are factors that could have confused him ,there was a lot of stress for him at that time as well...
He's told me 2 times that he believes this is it,after the 1st time he called the next day and said that he takes that back and he felt that it isn't right and he needs more time to figure himself out.The second time he told me it's over and he was really sure it...2 hrs later i received email and he was telling me that he felt sick to his stomach after the conversation...so he was still not sure and felt is wrong.

He also told me that he is happy on his own,no stress etc....really painful to hear that. In out case also there is no OW,it's important.

I guess it is possible for a person to get really confused due to stress or just get confused. If he is one of these people he'll reach out to you at one point.
Meanwhile keep writing on here, It's like a therapy .People are amazing and understand what you're going through,you will not find that kind of support anywhere else.


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

vivea said:


> H. said that to me a few times as well....,sounded so sure about it , told me uglier things than that actually....things that i would never in a million years think he can say about me...
> 
> He did tell me though numerous times that he is very confused...in our story there are factors that could have confused him ,there was a lot of stress for him at that time as well...
> He's told me 2 times that he believes this is it,after the 1st time he called the next day and said that he takes that back and he felt that it isn't right and he needs more time to figure himself out.The second time he told me it's over and he was really sure it...2 hrs later i received email and he was telling me that he felt sick to his stomach after the conversation...so he was still not sure and felt is wrong.
> ...



Thanks  I definitely need something to help me at the moment.. I feel like I should be seeing my counsellor every day lol
I am still living in hope that he changes his mind, however he hasnt given me any indication that he has felt any different to when he first left.. 
I hope that everything works out well for you guys at least you have some positive stuff going on for you at the moment


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Yes, the support on here is tremendous. You guys ROCK:yay:


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

I feel your pain Sad Angel,
My wife checked out of our marriage without any reason a few month ago. To this day I still do not know anything because she only says that it is not my fault but will not open up to me. I am living day by day preparing myself to move on with my daughter.I have never felt so sick in my life, I fear everything like the whole world has crumbled. I wish you the best and pray everyday for your family, and use this sight for all the support needed. I love everyone here, this forum is the best thing that has ever happened to me.


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

peace said:


> I feel your pain Sad Angel,
> My wife checked out of our marriage without any reason a few month ago. To this day I still do not know anything because she only says that it is not my fault but will not open up to me. I am living day by day preparing myself to move on with my daughter.I have never felt so sick in my life, I fear everything like the whole world has crumbled. I wish you the best and pray everyday for your family, and use this sight for all the support needed. I love everyone here, this forum is the best thing that has ever happened to me.


Hi Peace, I know what you mean about feeling like your whole world has crumbled  It is the most awful feeling to be rejected in this way.. I only wish our partners could see that what they are doing is hurting someone so badly. But it's like they just dont care or want to take anyone elses feelings into consideration.

So your wife hasnt told you why she left?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes that's what i have told H. Why he didn't hold me and looked me in the eyes in the most loving way and tell me how he feels,tell me he wants out or tell me he'll try for another 6 months and if doesn't happen than we'll split.
Why does it have to be so cruel ..brutal...and cold.What have I done except LOVE him.
You've been with this person ,created life with him,gave him your best and at the end he spits on you for no reason at all...just because he woke up one day and felt nothing....you can still have a human feelings and try to act as human...WTH ?!
I will never understand that,if one day we really fix things with H. and get to that comfortable place I will definitely ask him how and why he did what he did the way he did it...i just want to know ....what makes you so brutal.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You need the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html

The man wants space so give it to him. Easier said then done and it's so hard when there are kids involved.  But going out to dinner with him or even doing counseling at this point isn't the answer.It's just putting pressure on him and getting him resentful and frustrating you and making you sad. 

Giving him the space and acting in an independent and self confident manner that shows him that YOU don't need him might just do it. It's hard but worth it. 

It's tough but if you can build a life for yourself without him you'll prove a lot to him and more importantly, to yourself. You'll gain respect on both ends..from him and within yourself. 

Believe me, I say this but I've backslid too because part of me still wants what we once had..but that's not going to happen.

One thing that differentiates me from most who have posted here on this thread is that my husband is an alcoholic and that seems to carry problems and parameters that are unique. I guess it's almost akin to his having an affair but the other woman is a bottle of rum. It's just as bad, if not worse. 

But there is a finality to his sickness. I can't change it or convince him to change. HE has to do it. He's not so it is what it is. Now it's on me to accept that and deal with it. So I am dealing with it..albeit slowly. I feel I'm making progress though. I can feel it inside and it's a good feeling. 

Another thing that seems to make me different is that I actually LIKE being separated. I'm the one that wants and likes being on my own. My husband seems to appreciate the fact that we aren't tearing at each other and he can live as he wants but he says he doesn't like living alone. I'd have no problem living alone.

In fact, if I had my way I'd love to see him get sober and be the fun lovin', passionate guy he once was and we could just date and have a grand time. But spending time with him now is basically watching him drink and smoke, combined with bickering over all our crap that's occurred in the past 20 years. That's not fun or passionate. It's downright sad and it's a waste of my free time, which I don't get much these days. 

At least you are dealing with a guy who seems to be going through some kind of midlife crisis. Give him his space and use that time away from your kids to have fun and make a life for yourself. Get a hobby, join a support group, take a walk, read a book or go to church. Do ANYTHING but think about him!


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> You need the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html
> 
> The man wants space so give it to him. Easier said then done and it's so hard when there are kids involved.  But going out to dinner with him or even doing counseling at this point isn't the answer.It's just putting pressure on him and getting him resentful and frustrating you and making you sad.
> 
> ...


Hi Freak,
Thanks for your advice, I know that I should be getting on with things and trying to make a new life for myself but it is just so hard! Even when I do things I still think about the situation all the time  If there was something I could take to make me stop thinking about him I would do it in a heartbeat.. I'm sick to death of thinking about him. Last night was awful I was home alone, dont get the kids back till Friday, and the house is just so empty without the kids. I'm so angry that I dont get to see my kids everyday and its all because of his stupid decisions!

I rang to talk to the kids last night and he answered the phone, he asked me how my day was and I said good can I please talk to the kids, he asked me what was wrong and I just said nothing can I please talk to the kids. I just wanted to yell at him and say how dare you do this to me and our kids! I'm their mother and only seeing them one week a fortnight is killing me and he's happy doing this 

I am so sick of feeling like crap all day. I'm doing everything I can to keep busy, been exercising morning and night, going to visit friends and work as well. It just feels like nothing is working.

I'm sorry that your husband isnt willing to make the changes necessary so that you guys can work on your relationship, that must be hard. Hopefully one day he will realise what he has lost!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I think a part of my husband realizes what he's lost. But a part of him feels he's entitled to act as he does. Not much I can do about it either way. *shrug* 

Until (if he ever) gets sober there's no working on anything. It's the line in the sand. He's not making the attempt ("I'll do it when I'm ready" ) so nothing will change and I will keep living my life without him. I don't have much hope of him making a drastic turn-around. I like not having him bother about how I act, what I do, etc. 

You need to separate yourself from the kids for several reasons. One, is that the kids will eventually separate themselves from YOU. It's what kids do even in the best of situations. They grow up and get their own lives and friends, etc. So it's going to happen sooner or later. You need to get a life apart from them. Live WITH your kids..not for them! 

I'd get OUT of the house. You need to make the attempt to do this. Don't give up! Keep doing it! If you are home then read a book, watch a movie..do SOMETHING. 

Maybe it's just me. I love my kids but I wouldn't mind if my husband took them for a week or two every month. Heck, I enjoy being in the house alone.

My husband takes my son every weekend and my daughter and I like having the place to ourselves. My daughter often sleeps over a friend's house so I have the place to myself and it's great! I put on some tunes (as loud as I want :smthumbup, pop open some wine and just enjoy! Come the nicer weather I'll probably go away on the weekends camping or something. I just love not having to play taxi or clean up after them.  

But I don't mind being alone either. I have my husband to thank for this. He ignored for me for 15 years of our 22 years together so I got good at it.


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

vivea said:


> Yes that's what i have told H. Why he didn't hold me and looked me in the eyes in the most loving way and tell me how he feels,tell me he wants out or tell me he'll try for another 6 months and if doesn't happen than we'll split.
> Why does it have to be so cruel ..brutal...and cold.What have I done except LOVE him.
> You've been with this person ,created life with him,gave him your best and at the end he spits on you for no reason at all...just because he woke up one day and felt nothing....you can still have a human feelings and try to act as human...WTH ?!
> I will never understand that,if one day we really fix things with H. and get to that comfortable place I will definitely ask him how and why he did what he did the way he did it...i just want to know ....what makes you so brutal.


I know it's like they can just turn off all emotions at the drop of a hat  How can people be like that. And yes the fact that we have had children with them and shared that closeness makes it even worse!


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I think a part of my husband realizes what he's lost. But a part of him feels he's entitled to act as he does. Not much I can do about it either way. *shrug*
> 
> Until (if he ever) gets sober there's no working on anything. It's the line in the sand. He's not making the attempt ("I'll do it when I'm ready" ) so nothing will change and I will keep living my life without him. I don't have much hope of him making a drastic turn-around. I like not having him bother about how I act, what I do, etc.
> 
> ...


Believe me I'm trying lol I am doing everything I can to keep myself busy.. the problem is I am not an alone kind of person, I hate being alone, I love being around people.

It sounds like you really enjoy your own space and time, I'm hoping that I can learn that!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

SadAngel said:


> Believe me I'm trying lol I am doing everything I can to keep myself busy.. the problem is I am not an alone kind of person, I hate being alone, I love being around people.
> 
> It sounds like you really enjoy your own space and time, I'm hoping that I can learn that!


know what you mean, I prefer to be around other people, but I am learning to not mind too much being by myself, not by choice though !


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SadAngel said:


> Believe me I'm trying lol I am doing everything I can to keep myself busy.. the problem is I am not an alone kind of person, I hate being alone, I love being around people.
> 
> It sounds like you really enjoy your own space and time, I'm hoping that I can learn that!


Well, it's a skill I learned over a long period of time. When I first married my husband I was much needier but I adjusted eventually, then I grew to like it. 

Even when my husband and I "reconciled" for awhile and started doing everything together a part of me missed my "alone time". I went on a lot of trips over the years that took me away from home on my own for days, even a few weeks. I rather liked it. I look forward to doing it again. 

I kinda got out of this frame of mind during the time my husband and I were being together but I saw the handwriting on the wall last year and while at first it was hard to "readjust" now I'm liking it again, especially since the last 9 months or so was a serious living Hell. 

I guess when things are SO bad when you are together it's a blessed relief to just be left alone. When my husband first left both the kids and I were just happy for the peace and quiet. I had a hard time readjusting on the weekends but now I'm pretty good at keeping myself busy. 

I still remember how I felt when my husband would come home and walk up the stairs. I'd get a stomachache wondering what his problem with me would be now. I don't have that anymore!

I'm on the computer a lot or read books. Since my separation, I've gone skiing on my own. I go to clubs and concerts. I take walks. I seem to be able to strike up conversations wherever I go. During the nice weather I go kayaking and camping. I'll go the park or beach with a good book and just sit and read and enjoy the nice weather. I join clubs and meet people. This weekend I'm going on a hike with an outdoors club that I recently joined. 

Depending on other people for your happiness and well being is NEVER a good thing. You are a slave to their whims, moods and good will. When you can strike out on your own then you are truly free. To me, that's the most important thing you can have. 

I'm self employed and I work alone. I prefer it that way. I guess it's just in my nature. I consider it a good thing.


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, it's a skill I learned over a long period of time. When I first married my husband I was much needier but I adjusted eventually, then I grew to like it.
> 
> Even when my husband and I "reconciled" for awhile and started doing everything together a part of me missed my "alone time". I went on a lot of trips over the years that took me away from home on my own for days, even a few weeks. I rather liked it. I look forward to doing it again.
> 
> ...


Did it take you long after separating to start enjoying alone time or have you always liked it? I am just such a people person and dont really know what to do with myself when no one else is around. To be honest I'm hoping that I dont have to get used to being alone... hoping that my H will somehow change his mind and decide not to let go of what we had


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SadAngel said:


> Did it take you long after separating to start enjoying alone time or have you always liked it? I am just such a people person and dont really know what to do with myself when no one else is around. To be honest I'm hoping that I dont have to get used to being alone... hoping that my H will somehow change his mind and decide not to let go of what we had


Right after the separation I was so busy and going crazy with work and moving I didn't have time to miss anything. Then it took awhile to adjust to be alone on the weekends because in the last two years my husband and I did just about everything together. We shared a lot of our interests and activities recently but that wasn't always the case. 

In the preceding years before our "reconciliation" in 2008 I spent a LOT of time alone. We basically lived separate lives. He did his thing and I did mine and we divided up time with the kids, separate vacations, etc. We were like two divorced people living under the same roof. "Business partners" he referred to us at one time. 

Then on Christmas Eve on 2008 we had a long talk and looked to rebuild our marriage. I thought we were doing quite well and had some great times together. I guess not.  Now, according to my husband it was all a "sham"..a big lie. Right. 

When we separated this past November I was still keen on trying to get him back..to put our marriage and lives together. I kept at him to try and do the things we used to do. To go out to dinner, to go to clubs, to have sex, to just hang out. For a time it looked like it might work but the fact is, he's an alcoholic and it was a losing battle and he's shown no interest in fixing himself. Until he does we can't move forward. I've basically given up on reconciliation and started doing stuff on my own, especially as the arguments and abuse got worse and worse.

I keep contact with him short, sweet and cordial. If I don't bug him and try and discuss the "situation" we get along just fine. I guess we are back to being business partners. So basically I'm back to being on my own and part of me is glad as it's less painful that way. 

Just today I had to call him from work because my son was sick at school and asked him to pick him at school. He did so gladly and we chatted a bit and it was all good. I still like him when he's like that but I never know when I'm going to see the "good" H or the "bad" one. Roll the dice, cuz it's THAT unpredictable!

We separated at the end of November and here it is almost mid-March so what's that? 3.5 months? :scratchhead: I can say that at the beginning I was RELIEVED to be separated and now I've come to like and appreciate my time alone. He seems to like it too but I think he gets lonelier than I do.

He asks me a lot to "come over and hang out" at his house while I'm not inclined to do so. I'm not trying to prove a point, I just like being in my own place more. I'm very comfortable in my apartment. Plus, he makes me VERY nervous with his unpredictability and mood swings. The constant walking on eggshells, the holding my breath hoping I don't say the wrong thing..It's just not worth it. I'd rather be alone. 

So yeah, I guess I don't mind being alone. I can be very sociable and a real party animal but I like to be in my cave too. Plus, the nice weather is coming and for quite awhile I've been wanting to do stuff that I couldn't when I was with him. I'd like to do some overnight kayak camping on the Delaware River, do some weekday kayaking with a club in my town, as well as go hiking and bicycling.

One day I plan to buy a motorcycle, though that can be awhile, and resume my road tripping. My kids will be out of the nest in 5 years so I can look forward and see that there's a lot to look forward to. I'm making friends and having a good time. This is pretty much what I'd always envisioned the single life to be like and I like it! I love not having to answer to anyone. 

If he decides to get sober maybe we can put things back together but the longer we stay apart and the more I get used to living on my own the less inclined I am to move back in with him. He talks about doing that more than I do. The ball is in his court at this point. I'm hoping that if he does get sober we can stay friends and maybe even include some "benefits" in there, who knows? We'll see..

So I'm not sweating the load. I take it one day at a time and have a good time while doing it. :smthumbup:


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Right after the separation I was so busy and going crazy with work and moving I didn't have time to miss anything. Then it took awhile to adjust to be alone on the weekends because in the last two years my husband and I did just about everything together. We shared a lot of our interests and activities recently but that wasn't always the case.
> 
> In the preceding years before our "reconciliation" in 2008 I spent a LOT of time alone. We basically lived separate lives. He did his thing and I did mine and we divided up time with the kids, separate vacations, etc. We were like two divorced people living under the same roof. "Business partners" he referred to us at one time.
> 
> ...


Well you definitely have a good attitude towards the situation, I really hope that I get to that point? Does it ever worry you that he might move on and get with someone else?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SadAngel said:


> Well you definitely have a good attitude towards the situation, I really hope that I get to that point? Does it ever worry you that he might move on and get with someone else?


Well, he looks like hell. He's an alcoholic and he's not very fun any more. Not likely at this point. Now if he gets sober...who knows? Right now that's not happening. I just don't see him doing what it takes to do the 180 degree change that is needed to set things right. A LOT Of things would have to change. 

Besides, any woman he finds won't be half the woman that I am. Even he admits that. 

In his present state he'd find a boring woman who likes to sit on his porch and watch him drink and smoke. Good luck to her! :rofl:

He still loves me. He says it all the time. I love him too but I don't love what he's become.


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