# How to appreciate your spouse?



## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

There might be some of us in a relationship, wondering everyday how to make this relationship work? 
I am married for more than an year now but have come to realise that after being married that all the qualities that I admired about my husband were one BIG farce. The whole relationship is one BIG lie for him. I feel terrible and betrayed and cannot decide if I have to live with him anymore. But life is nothing but a compromise with all the shattered dreams and I intend to give my failed marriage another chance with a fresh start.
Please pour in your thoughts on how to appreciate or see anything good in your spouse when all you have had in the past is hurt and betrayal.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

When I had my 2nd daughter, I felt guilty because I didn't feel an attachment to her the way I had with my first. It got worse as she grew older, too, because she wasn't at all what I expected a daughter to be like. My first one had not surprised me, but this one was a different story. She didn't think like other children, wasn't happy natured, or the other things I expected. 

But others found her delightful, far more than my oldest girl. It puzzled me, since I found her personality bland when compared to the oldest, outgoing one. I had to separate myself from my own viewpoint and expectation and ask, "What is it about her that people like" in order to find things I was able to value and appreciate. 

Perhaps you can step away from your own thoughts and feelings to ask, "What is it others like about this man?" to find some qualities where you can start your appreciation mission. 

Then figure out how to show that appreciation in HIS love languages. (If you haven't read it or taken the quiz, there are many posts on here that reference it.) 

Give yourself 60 days of being fully committed to showing appreciation and gratitude before evaluating whether he's responding or not. He won't at first. Aim for 5 positive, affirming comments for every single negative or critical one. Avoid blame. When he's done something that displeases you, don't mention it until you can find a way to discuss it without blame. 

If you take these steps and after a couple months you've seen no improvement at all, then divorce may be necessary. However, your post said you feel betrayed. The info I've given is more applicable to couples who have grown apart than to people who have been involved in a situation like an affair, abusiveness, or criminal behavior.


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## Coolbreeze (Nov 7, 2012)

janiliya said:


> There might be some of us in a relationship, wondering everyday how to make this relationship work?
> I am married for more than an year now but have come to realise that after being married that all the qualities that I admired about my husband were one BIG farce. The whole relationship is one BIG lie for him. I feel terrible and betrayed and cannot decide if I have to live with him anymore. But life is nothing but a compromise with all the shattered dreams and I intend to give my failed marriage another chance with a fresh start.
> Please pour in your thoughts on how to appreciate or see anything good in your spouse when all you have had in the past is hurt and betrayal.


wow, what happened?


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

@KathyBatesel: Thankyou   
Ur advice is something that is so practical and followable. i just felt so lost and hopeless and now I see hope. Yes, of late our marriage has more been about blame and screaming than about love. Things are so bad that I have almost forgotten to even see if he indeed has anything good at all about him.
The reason I feel betrayed is because of all the lies he has told me. And on occassions, I feel betrayed when he chooses to share his happiness and grief with others buts never says a word to me. To the best of my knowledge he has not been in an affair so I do not know how painful that is, but these lies he has told me have certainly betrayed and broken my trust in him. Trusting him will take a long time but being able to give him one chance is all that I need for now.


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

@CoolBreeze:
Well a lot of things!! For one, the person I married is nothing I expected or thought I knew. He is this bitter person with a string of failures behind him - things I never knew about and a person unwilling to change. He is just very adamant and egoistic and treats me very badly. He is overly possessive about his family while they are rude and nasty to me and my family. To top it all he has a very bad temper and is just unwilling to discuss/talk to me. The only communication between us are the fights we have.
I am emotionally drained and feel I have no happiness left for me if I continue in this marriage this way. 
We have been separated for about 5 months now and do not talk to each other. 
However, I want to give this marriage another chance and a fresh start cos a lot of what I have done in this marriage in the past was focus on what he has not been rather than focus on what he has been. I have reached a stage where i think I just do not know him anymore and do not where to begin from. When I think of him, all I see is the pain I have been through and nothing pleasant.
I want to give this relationship one final try and see if I can really contribute differently in anyway and bring this relationship back on track, so i am looking for suggestions on how to begin to see good in him cos now all I see in him now are faults and shortcomings.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

janiliya said:


> @CoolBreeze:
> Well a lot of things!! For one, the person I married is nothing I expected or thought I knew. He is this bitter person with a string of failures behind him - things I never knew about and a person unwilling to change. He is just very adamant and egoistic and treats me very badly. He is overly possessive about his family while they are rude and nasty to me and my family. To top it all he has a very bad temper and is just unwilling to discuss/talk to me. The only communication between us are the fights we have.
> I am emotionally drained and feel I have no happiness left for me if I continue in this marriage this way.
> We have been separated for about 5 months now and do not talk to each other.
> ...


How long did you guys date? I'm trying to figure out how you ended up marrying a guy you didn't know yet. My husband and I were together for a few years before we got married and I knew what I was getting myself into, but married him anyway.


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

DayDream said:


> How long did you guys date? I'm trying to figure out how you ended up marrying a guy you didn't know yet. My husband and I were together for a few years before we got married and I knew what I was getting myself into, but married him anyway.


Dear DayDream:
Me and my husband had an arranged marriage. 
I am not sure if you are aware of this concept - We met each other (with mission marriage in mind) along with our families and after discussion with each other and respective families, we tied the knot in about 2 months.
This arrangement works well for a lot of people. My parents have been married for about 29 years and his for almost 40 years. So I had never lived with him before marriage.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

janiliya said:


> Dear DayDream:
> Me and my husband had an arranged marriage.
> I am not sure if you are aware of this concept - We met each other (with mission marriage in mind) along with our families and after discussion with each other and respective families, we tied the knot in about 2 months.
> This arrangement works well for a lot of people. My parents have been married for about 29 years and his for almost 40 years. So I had never lived with him before marriage.


I see. Yes, of course I am aware of arranged marriages. But I have no experience with the symantics of them. I wish I could be of more help to you, but I just don't know what I could possibly offer having not had any experience or known anyone with that experience. Good luck!


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

What constitutes a "farce" for you? Did he cheated? Or the spark is gone?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Kathy - GREAT advice! I could use this as a reminder as well!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

Memento said:


> What constitutes a "farce" for you? Did he cheated? Or the spark is gone?


Well he did hide his past from me. He has some health condition and is alcoholic. He is by nature dishonest and hides stuff from me.
He speaks ill of me behind my back and is rude to me. We have money issues as well.
And yes the spark is gone too.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

janiliya said:


> Well he did hide his past from me. He has some health condition and is alcoholic. He is by nature dishonest and hides stuff from me.
> He speaks ill of me behind my back and is rude to me. We have money issues as well.
> And yes the spark is gone too.


Why do you want to give this man another chance? Are you doing it because you want or are you worried about what your family might think?


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

janiliya said:


> Well he did hide his past from me. He has some health condition and is alcoholic. He is by nature dishonest and hides stuff from me.
> He speaks ill of me behind my back and is rude to me. We have money issues as well.
> And yes the spark is gone too.


PS - I am very sorry you are going thru this situation!!


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

Memento said:


> Why do you want to give this man another chance? Are you doing it because you want or are you worried about what your family might think?


Well its a bit of both.
I want to give it another chance because somewhere deep down I realize I have not given my husband much of a chance to change or show me the good side of him. I have not tried too hard to make this marriage work and I do not want to live my life with this regret later. Leaving him will always be an option but I just want to make sure I have tried my best and given it all before I call it quits.
I feel every relationship is a compromise, so I want to try making compromises in this one and see if this works rather than jump to another relationship. I do not know how successful I might be, but may be its worth a try.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

janiliya said:


> Well its a bit of both.
> I want to give it another chance because somewhere deep down I realize I have not given my husband much of a chance to change or show me the good side of him. I have not tried too hard to make this marriage work and I do not want to live my life with this regret later. Leaving him will always be an option but I just want to make sure I have tried my best and given it all before I call it quits.
> I feel every relationship is a compromise, so I want to try making compromises in this one and see if this works rather than jump to another relationship. I do not know how successful I might be, but may be its worth a try.


 You, alone, cant fix your relationship. He needs to be able to understand and accept he has to make some changes. Has he come to that realization? Does he share your point of view? Is he able to make concessions and work on your marriage?


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I see. Yes, of course I am aware of arranged marriages. But I have no experience with the symantics of them. I wish I could be of more help to you, but I just don't know what I could possibly offer having not had any experience or known anyone with that experience. Good luck!


Dear DayDream
Your post kind of got me thinking that I might be facing these problems only because I married someone who was almost a stranger to me. 
Considering that you knew what you were getting into, has the ride been easy for you? Is it easier to remain married if you knew your spouse really well or are there discoveries you make about each other along the journey? Are there gives and takes or are the expectations and dos/donts very clear from the very beginning?


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

Memento said:


> You, alone, cant fix your relationship. He needs to be able to understand and accept he has to make some changes. Has he come to that realization? Does he share your point of view? Is he able to make concessions and work on your marriage?


I dont think he realizes it as yet. We have been living apart for sometime now. We have both had our space and hope he would be willing to make amends as well and start afresh.
I am willing to go first and try and see if he might be in agreement too.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

janiliya said:


> I dont think he realizes it as yet. We have been living apart for sometime now. We have both had our space and hope he would be willing to make amends as well and start afresh.
> I am willing to go first and try and see if he might be in agreement too.


If he does not understand his behavior and actions are the problem, how do you expect him to change?
You cannot make the same mistake twice and expect different results.


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

Memento said:


> If he does not understand his behavior and actions are the problem, how do you expect him to change?
> You cannot make the same mistake twice and expect different results.


Yes, but I have a feeling that I have not done enough either. I want to try responding differently to the problems and see if the results improve.


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