# I have thrown it all away



## darksoultea2 (May 13, 2011)

I am a fool
an idiot a moron
a jackalope

I have taken 7 years of being married to the most beautiful woman in the world
and I have thrown it all away

I am very depressed

so depressed that if i had not made the bargain 27 years ago with myself that I would never take my life

I would just end it

please do not call the police I am not suicidal

I have been diagnosed as bipolar and have lived with it for 20 years

I should be castrated and thrown to the wolves for what I have done to her

she has been nothing but supportive and faithful and intelligent and beautiful for as long as I have known her

she has a temper but so do I and we are equals and I have up until recently when I began to betray her treated her as such

but now here in our 7th year of marriage after we drifted apart
due to work schedules and other things I have betrayed her thrice

and she has forgiven every time

I KNOW that I don't deserve her

I have fought like hell the last two weeks to rebuild after my emotional affair with a silly girl half my age

and things were going great until last night.

This young woman who I had become best friends with. I then ruined all 3 of us when I was manic and told her I had "other" feelings for her

oh if ever there was a day or words I wanted to take back those are them

I am not here for sympathy in fact I expect most of you will despise me. 

but I came here because 3 feet away from me right now my wife is on her laptop looking to you all for answers and advice

I am in a black place and I cannot and should not even open my mouth to her 

because all I have done every time I open it lately is hurt her

so please HATE me

but please, please, please help her anyway you can
even if the best thing for her to do is kick me out of the house
so be it I will go

I know I do not deserve her.

That is all for now I know being out here in her safe place must be making her anxious as hell and I cannot bear to take it from her.


----------



## remakingmylife (Apr 18, 2011)

If anyone is interested, darksoultea2 is my hubby. I've been blogging about this for the past month or so. I don't know what the rules are for posting links, but since I don't have the energy to recount the recent events in our household, you can go to my homepage if you'd like to learn more.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Having a disorder does not give you an excuse for your behavior. I have been diagnosed with a few myself and they do not excuse my actions. You are responsible for the choices you make. For your own sake, get therapy and medication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

This seems orchestrated and contrived andanipulative.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## remakingmylife (Apr 18, 2011)

I'm sorry you think that. 

I can assure you that it's not contrived.

But I do understand your hesitation. The internet is full of weirdos.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't have anything to say in the way of support for you but I do for your long suffering wife. You have been married only 7 years and you have cheated 3 times. Have considered that you should not marry ever. You cannot manage fidelity so why repeatedly hurt this women who you say has been so good to you? Why not just go away and let her find someone who will truly cherish her. 

You can have all of the hot 20yr old girls you want and feel like a quite the man. 

Think about it. The very kindest and best thing you can do is to make a surgical cut, let her heal and in a yr or two she will be ensconced with someone more comparable with a good woman. You can then chase down as many women as you want. 

You have been a 7 yr source of pain for her, that is enough for anyone let alone a good person. Please have mercy and go away, just think of all of the women you can eeeefff with absolutely no guilt or feeling that should make it easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

A repeating cheaters is a born manipulator. This is a bull**** attempt to manipulate her once again. Give it up. 

Wife, dump him. He's a disaster returning and returning. As you well know.

If he wanted to solve this he'd make more effective changes.

Walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## darksoultea2 (May 13, 2011)

I may be a serial cheater.
and you may be right.

I should just leave
I should not ever marry

I am on medication
my manic behavior is not an excuse
I KNOW I made the worst choice possible

she has not suffered for seven years

only one year 

it does make it any less disgusting,
in fact emoitonal and trust betrayal (not sexual) 3 times in one year is worse

honestly I don't know what restrains her from doing me physical harm or changing the locks
save that she has more grace than anyone I have ever met

you are all correct

I did say I am guilty
I did say I don't deserve her
I am not stupid
I am not making excuses

I should stop typing I am depressed and have been drinking
This is not some orchestration
This is real pain just ask her


----------



## darksoultea2 (May 13, 2011)

one last clarification I did not sleep with the OW
but I kissed her on the back of her hand which is worse


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

remakingmylife said:


> If anyone is interested, darksoultea2 is my hubby. I've been blogging about this for the past month or so. I don't know what the rules are for posting links, but since I don't have the energy to recount the recent events in our household, you can go to my homepage if you'd like to learn more.


Hi R your husband sounds sincere but I am sure you have heard the same exact promises and show of emotions 2 other times in the last 7 years. According to social research, serial cheater are the worse risk for committed relationships. They can't seem to help themselves. If they have gotten away with it many times before it is esker for them the next time because the consequences for them are nil and they don't care about the possibility of passing a disease to their partner or the pain they cause. They don't seem to have the character, self control or moral fiber to deny themselves pleasure. 

They seem sincerely sorry each time and they even convince themselves that they will not do it again. They may hold out for a yr maybe two until some irresistible woman shows them some attention and they cannot resist. The possibility that they may hurt their partner is far from their minds just the selfish pursuit of pleasure and if they have gotten away with it before, they know they will be forgiven for the pain they cause. It's like they have arrested development, maybe like two year olds. 

Why do you stay with this man? You risk STDs, you live a life of anxiety and distrust waiting for the next time. Don't say it is because you love him, you love what you hope he will be but not a man who can hurt humiliate and keep you in a constant worry about what he will do next. Any woman with one ounce of self respect, dignity and self preservation would have left after the 2nd cheating to continue after the 3rd time is telling him he can do anything to you and you will never leave. He gets a woman who dotes on him while he goes out to play. 

Read the post from women who deal with a man who cheats more than once. They are beaten down sad women with so little self esteem that they cannot leave. The men lose all respect for them because they allow themselves to be made fools. The bipolar illness has nothing to do with his lack od character, what he does is about the person he is. He sounds pitiful now and will be less so the 4th and 5th time he cheats. He will be sure you will never leave so the tears are no longer needed.

If you stay you will regret your decision when he does it again. It takes about 2 yrs to recover from infidelity, this is the 3rd time in 7 yrs you have not had the time to recover from the others. Think if you leave him in 2 yrs you will be with a fresh untainted man. Pick up you dignity and tell him this is not the way you deserve to be treated and walk out. In a short time you will wonder what took you so long. 

May I suggest a book "to good to leave, too bad to stay" it a workbook that takes you through the decision process to leave or stay. You can download it from amazon web site. I hope you will do this for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So just leave your wife so she can move on without you if you refuse to stay faithful to her.


Yes, it is that simple.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Let your wife go. She deserves better than you. Bipolar or not that is no excuse for cheating. Ever. 

And btw QUIT DRINKING while on those meds!


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Some people are not cutout for committed relationships because they have personal issues that make it practically impossible for them to stay faithful. It looks like you are one of them.

You sound like you still have a conscience which is judging harshly your betrayals. But is it just sound or true remorse? Only your actions can tell. If you truly love your W then give her a divorce. Love is not selfish and if you care for her deeply, then you must realize that the best way for her to heal and move on with her life is to file for divorce. You owe her this much, don't you think?


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I am not here for sympathy in fact I expect most of you will despise me."

No sympathy from me jack. Take it like the man you THOUGHT you were.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Get off the booze.

I hope your wife finds peace, happiness and the love she deserves.


----------

