# He was right, he wasn't man enough



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I wrote this in my journal today

Funny thing, I think you were right all along. You really AREN’T man enough. A good part of the reason our marriage got to the place it was is just that… you weren’t man enough to respect what you did for the family (everyone else did), you weren’t man enough to get off your ass and change it if it was that important, you made excuses no matter how many times I offered to assist you—open your own business out of the house, go back to school for a masters or teaching certificate, get a more regular job, but it was always excuses and no action. You weren’t man enough to do anything but complain to me about what was wrong with me and what I did, you weren’t man enough to actually plan or DO anything at all to change your own situation. You weren’t man enough to hear me when I tried to tell you what I wanted and needed from you….And it was hard to keep respecting and finding attraction to someone who just wasn’t man enough to be anything but a victim… ironic since you so loathed that quality in your brother, but you were becoming just like him, a bitter victim. And then you weren’t even man enough to tell me you were so unhappy that you were thinking of pursuing an affair…. And now that it has happened and it is out in the open you STILL aren’t man enough… to face me in front of a marriage counselor and fix the **** pile you created… to face your children and the pain and hurt you are causing them, and you aren’t even man enough to go live in your own place, you run to the other woman. How long before she realizes you aren’t man enough? You are pathetic, you were right, and I am better off without you. So why I am still crying over your pathetic ass?


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

...because you have a history together tied up in hopes and dreams. I cry too.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Tover26 said:


> ...because you have a history together tied up in hopes and dreams. I cry too.


and I am so incredibly lonely.... I can barely stand it.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I wrote this in my journal today
> 
> Funny thing, I think you were right all along. You really AREN’T man enough. A good part of the reason our marriage got to the place it was is just that… you weren’t man enough to respect what you did for the family (everyone else did), you weren’t man enough to get off your ass and change it if it was that important, you made excuses no matter how many times I offered to assist you—open your own business out of the house, go back to school for a masters or teaching certificate, get a more regular job, but it was always excuses and no action. You weren’t man enough to do anything but complain to me about what was wrong with me and what I did, you weren’t man enough to actually plan or DO anything at all to change your own situation. You weren’t man enough to hear me when I tried to tell you what I wanted and needed from you….And it was hard to keep respecting and finding attraction to someone who just wasn’t man enough to be anything but a victim… ironic since you so loathed that quality in your brother, but you were becoming just like him, a bitter victim. And then you weren’t even man enough to tell me you were so unhappy that you were thinking of pursuing an affair…. And now that it has happened and it is out in the open you STILL aren’t man enough… to face me in front of a marriage counselor and fix the **** pile you created… to face your children and the pain and hurt you are causing them, and you aren’t even man enough to go live in your own place, you run to the other woman. How long before she realizes you aren’t man enough? You are pathetic, you were right, and I am better off without you. So why I am still crying over your pathetic ass?


I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been there. It is what cheaters do unfortunately. If he has checked out of the relationship, it might actually be a good thing in the long run. Mine did all of what you describe, and then told me how "sorry " he was and how dedicated he was to fixing it. It really can't be fixed completely, and it is hard to live with. Sometimes a relatively clean break shortens your healing time. You do have history that probably isn't all bad, and you are mourning that. You sound like a strong person, and the pain will lessen with time. You will come through this stronger. You will also know what not to repeat in the future with any new relationship. Good Luck to you, Hugs.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> and I am so incredibly lonely.... I can barely stand it.


Do you want him back? What I mean is ..is R possible?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Do you want him back? What I mean is ..is R possible?


He isn't man enough... I gave him the chance and he ran the day of the first MC... he said he was just going through the motions and didn't love me anymore. Two days before he said he was confused and needed to sort things out. I think he never cut off contact, and she was in his ear and that was that.

I won't beg a man that doesn't want me, I deserve better. I think if he'd have stayed the first time I gave him the chance and did the right things, maybe, now, I just don't imagine how... even if he does change his mind.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> He isn't man enough... I gave him the chance and he ran the day of the first MC... he said he was just going through the motions and didn't love me anymore. Two days before he said he was confused and needed to sort things out. I think he never cut off contact, and she was in his ear and that was that.
> 
> I won't beg a man that doesn't want me, I deserve better. I think if he'd have stayed the first time I gave him the chance and did the right things, maybe, now, I just don't imagine how... even if he does change his mind.


Good for you. Remember that when ( notice I said when) he comes crawling back after the OW sees him for what he is.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Good for you. Remember that when ( notice I said when) he comes crawling back after the OW sees him for what he is.


Yes she will... hell anyone is fun for a few hours a week and a good lay right?? Somehow I am sure custody issues, children, ex wives, joblessness.... that all might seem a bit unattractive pretty quickly. 

Two things made me sure I cannot let him back.. The way my daughters skating coach looks at and talks about his wife (my husband NEVER EVER was THAT nice to me), and the fact that I needed to show my girls that we do not let men treat us like that.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Yes she will... hell anyone is fun for a few hours a week and a good lay right?? Somehow I am sure custody issues, children, ex wives, joblessness.... that all might seem a bit unattractive pretty quickly.
> 
> Two things made me sure I cannot let him back.. The way my daughters skating coach looks at and talks about his wife (my husband NEVER EVER was THAT nice to me), and the fact that I needed to show my girls that we do not let men treat us like that.


After 17 years of marriage to my step-father, when my mother left him and said very similar words, I was so proud of her. It is an incredibly tough journey to get where you are in such a short time, and I hope you find the day soon where you can wake up with a smile. It will come to a woman of your strength.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Halien said:


> After 17 years of marriage to my step-father, when my mother left him and said very similar words, I was so proud of her. It is an incredibly tough journey to get where you are in such a short time, and I hope you find the day soon where you can wake up with a smile. It will come to a woman of your strength.


Thank you... right now, I feel very broken and not strong at all. My 17 yo dd is so angry and it all comes to me...so unfair. I didn't create this situation, and yet, as always, here I am, taking care of it. Unfreaking believable.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Thank you... right now, I feel very broken and not strong at all. My 17 yo dd is so angry and it all comes to me...so unfair. I didn't create this situation, and yet, as always, here I am, taking care of it. Unfreaking believable.


She has to process it too, but I know that it only adds to your own stress. But at 17, I wouldn't be surprised if it hits her soon that you are only human, and could use her support. To me, seeing my daughter and son suddenly get that realization in such an adult way just makes me feel like things are not 100% on me when my wife struggles with a long depression. I hope you get to experience this soon.


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

I just have to say your journal entry is just one the things that's helping you build strength to get through this mess he has left you with now. You really should do more of that... it was great. 

I mean, re-read that post and see how well you showed yourself how strong you have been all of this time dealing with him being the way he was and getting through it? 

And now, here you are, he's gone with some other woman and dealing with life without him.... after dealing with all of that mess? Ugh... figures, right?

Well, you know what? It does hurt. It's going to hurt because you love him and you were hoping for great things from him. That's evident by all of the things you said he was saying he was GOING to do but never did. You both had hopes and dreams together - you were building a life TOGETHER. 

He jumped ship and all you did was try to help him. That leaves you with this ---> :scratchhead: and very much like --->  and then of course, devastated. 

Honestly though, you'll pull this all together once that rage, sadness and confusion pass over you. Right now they are all going through you at once and you just don't know what to do with all of it. But over time, you'll start to breathe again and you'll start to see a clearing in your life. That might be with him in it or it won't be....but there will be one thing that is for sure...you'll be in it and you'll be stronger than you ever thought you could be. 

~Marcelina


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> and I am so incredibly lonely.... I can barely stand it.


This is the saddest thing I've seen on this board.

Too early to date? Or at least go out with the girls a lot more? Do some socializing to take your focus away from the pain?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

RelationshipCoach said:


> I just have to say your journal entry is just one the things that's helping you build strength to get through this mess he has left you with now. You really should do more of that... it was great.
> 
> I mean, re-read that post and see how well you showed yourself how strong you have been all of this time dealing with him being the way he was and getting through it?
> 
> ...


Thank you... the mornings are so damn hard, I can't sleep, and I am alone, and I have been doing more journals.... here is what I wrote today.

I woke up feeling so resentful of this emotional rollercoaster you put me on. 3 weeks ago, I thought we were growing old together, sure, some things were hard, and we probably had some work to do to get back the spark we once had, but you know what?? That is life, that is family, and it happens…. We were just finally getting to a point where the girls were older and more self sufficient, some of the huge burdens and responsibilities that were making it harder and harder for us to stay connected were lifting and I was looking so forward to finding ‘us’ again. But instead, you betrayed me, instead you blindsided me, and yet again, left me with all the burdens, financial and otherwise. If you are trying to get me to the point of hating you, you are doing a good job. The girls didn’t even hear from you this weekend… Delaney said you promised to take them to a movie, and Hadley said you promised to take them to lunch but Saturday and Sunday came and went and nothing, not a word. For someone who was so ashamed of not supporting their family, you sure are doing a great job of continuing right down that path…. I don’t even know who you are anymore. So today, I have to take the step of serving you with divorce papers because yet again I have to protect the girls, make all the hard decisions and bear all the responsibility for the future. And you… you?? You are off with your *****, living the free life. ****ing Amazing, just ****ing amazing that you can even look at yourself every day. You are pathetic and we are all better off without you. So again, why I am I still crying?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> This is the saddest thing I've seen on this board.
> 
> Too early to date? Or at least go out with the girls a lot more? Do some socializing to take your focus away from the pain?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Date?? not a chance... I found out 2.5 weeks ago about this. I have been trying to stay busy, but when they are not here, or early in the mornings, I just feel so incredibly alone.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi Lisa3
It is an incredibly hard journey and there is a lot of self examination and pain to suffer. I am not going to dress it up!

I am 8 months out from the end of a 25 year marriage. When I look at my life now I find it hard to imagine going back to what it was before the affair, never mind after! 
I too have older children who were finally going to leave us some time to get to know each other again. 
It seems so unfair doesn't it. The girls I imagine are pretty pissed! 

Don't be alone! Dating may seem like insanity at the moment but you need to get out and DO something new. I'll let you into a secret. Dating sites are full of people just like you! 

Just set to "friend only"

Meetup

Pick something with more than ten people going. Half won't turn up.

Sleep in the middle of the bed


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

ing said:


> Hi Lisa3
> It is an incredibly hard journey and there is a lot of self examination and pain to suffer. I am not going to dress it up!
> 
> I am 8 months out from the end of a 25 year marriage. When I look at my life now I find it hard to imagine going back to what it was before the affair, never mind after!
> ...


Yes, they are incredibly pissed... and I get all of it.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Yes, they are incredibly pissed... and I get all of it.


This is where you need to put your foot down with the girls. They can be pissed, but they direct it where it belongs - at Dad not you. They are old enough to realize you're hurting too and deserve compassion and a friggen break here. Don't let them use you as a punching bag for their emotions. You can all support each other here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

lisagirls...
You keep writting and moving forward...I see alot of my situation in your writings...especially about not man enough...wow that one hit home...You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children...I do not have children to worry about but I do have animals to consider...which have been with me a long time...my cat is 16, dog 9, have two other cats one 12 and the other 7 that live outside...so I have to consider them...although they are animals I care about their welfare...now some would say just take them down and have them put to sleep and that's that....But hell no...I am to nice for my own good...I am sure you understand that one....Misses nice guy always finishing last....Oh the fun of it all....


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> This is where you need to put your foot down with the girls. They can be pissed, but they direct it where it belongs - at Dad not you. They are old enough to realize you're hurting too and deserve compassion and a friggen break here. Don't let them use you as a punching bag for their emotions. You can all support each other here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is mostly my 17 year old, the other two have been good, except of course they have been crying for their own pain, and seeing mine.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> lisagirls...
> You keep writting and moving forward...I see alot of my situation in your writings...especially about not man enough...wow that one hit home...You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children...I do not have children to worry about but I do have animals to consider...which have been with me a long time...my cat is 16, dog 9, have two other cats one 12 and the other 7 that live outside...so I have to consider them...although they are animals I care about their welfare...now some would say just take them down and have them put to sleep and that's that....But hell no...I am to nice for my own good...I am sure you understand that one....Misses nice guy always finishing last....Oh the fun of it all....


I just returned from my lawyer and he will be served divorce papers this week. I am sure he doesn't expect this. I have also asked for sole custody.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@lisa3girls

I hope you and the girls are staying warm and safe. 

You are an inspiration to others in your situation, and a reminder to us cheaters about the harm we cause so many for such an idiotic decision.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

HerToo said:


> @lisa3girls
> 
> I hope you and the girls are staying warm and safe.
> 
> You are an inspiration to others in your situation, and a reminder to us cheaters about the harm we cause so many for such an idiotic decision.


I feel like he isn't even really sorry.... I feel like he is delusional about what he is doing (living with her for God sake right under his children's noses) when in fact he has money in the bank and could make a decision with much more integrity... and if I get mad or distrust him, he acts like I have no right.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Lisagirs, You husband is in in a selfish, selfcentered state right now and can't see his nose in front on his face....Men....and cheating woman....they are so delusional it's pathetic...you are doing the right thing for your children....Of course they will take it out on you because you are the closest one to them right now....I haven't decided what I am doing at this point...I am not sure what to do....hence my user name......I wish I could be half as strong as you....If my husband has chosen to leave maybe I would be....he claims he is here because he wants to work on the marrige not because he is unemployed and running out of unemployment next week???? Humm is that why he has decided to not be cursing me out this last 2 weeks????? Makes me wonder why am I sooooo stupid??????


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