# How do you prevent your spouse from falling out of love with you ?



## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Other then keeping a perfect physical appearance, what are some things you do so that your spouse doesn’t fall out of love with you ? 

I’m asking this question because marriage and romantic relationships are hard and your spouse may have a lot of expectations and love in romantic relationship and marriage is an infatuation that may die sooner or later. 
The ones that loves you unconditionally are often your parents and your real friends and other relatives and they will mostly likely never turn their backs on you. But you more likely to get dumped by your spouse. 

But even tho your spouse may still fall out of love regardless, how do you make that love last for as long as possible? 


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I used to do lots of housework. It didn't work: she divorced me.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Start by making a good choice of who your spouse is. Your first statement about physical perfection is a bit suggestive of a superficial focus - is that your focus or your SO that seems to call for this? It is important to stay healthy and fit. It shows self-respect and care. If you don’t love yourself you won’t be easy to love. But physical perfection is not likely for anyone. Nor is it a basis for real love. The sex would be pretty awesome though...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't have a marriage. You have a living arrangement. Six months ago, your grandmother died and you refused to allow your wife to attend the funeral. Your parents advised you to tell your wife about your depression and you refused.

Again, you don't have a marriage. You come across as extremely immature and shallow. Until you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with your wife, you won't have a marriage.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Be genuine.

Speak up, have an opinion, make decisions, and don’t shy away from conflict.

Work on yourself, and take an active part in working on your relationships - they don't carry themselves.

@Laurentium, my ex-husband did that too. Although I appreciated the help, it didn't increase my attraction, and in many cases, I felt resentful that he was taking over and in the way.



Laurentium said:


> I used to do lots of housework. It didn't work: she divorced me.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Anything that causes resentment should be avoided/fixed for both you and your spouse. Think of it as a weed with deep roots. It may look small on the surface, but it is eroding the foundation of everything you hold dear. And like a weed, once established it would be hard to stomp out.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

vintagetriplex said:


> But even tho your spouse may still fall out of love regardless, how do you make that love last for as long as possible?


1. Make it a point that you show each other you are more than roommates, friends, and/or co-parents. In other words, what are you doing beyond those three identities? What actions/thoughts separate spouses/lovers from those identities? Roommates don’t care how you look. Friends don’t care if you watch a lot of porn. Co-parents don’t care if don’t show affection towards each other or have sex.

2. Realize that you need to offer something worth desiring and that you pursue (i.e. date) your spouse. Attraction is conditional. If you let yourself go, are a slob and pay to watch cam girls, don’t be surprised that women don’t find these attractive and have every right to disapprove. And they vote with sexual desire. You had to work to get their attraction, doesn’t stop because you have a ring. The game is still going out there (i.e. mate-seeking) regardless of relationship status and some people are willing to do the work you don’t want to do.

3. Own your negative stuff and quit doing things you know push her away.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You don't have a marriage. You have a living arrangement. Six months ago, your grandmother died and you refused to allow your wife to attend the funeral. Your parents advised you to tell your wife about your depression and you refused.
> 
> Again, you don't have a marriage. You come across as extremely immature and shallow. Until you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with your wife, you won't have a marriage.


It’s hard to be vulnerable to a woman. She may lose respect for me and see what a weak man I am. 


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

There’s no guarantees in life but:

1. stay classy
2. Stay clean and dress sharp (only wear those nasty stained clothes when your out doing dirty work)
3. Stay calm (never speak harshly)
4. Stay relatively fit
5. Be an honorable and honest person. Think of your legacy or your eternity and make decisions by it.
6. Marry someone stable that you find to be super hot (and they should be physically attracted to you).
7. Share the same religious beliefs


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> I used to do lots of housework. It didn't work: she divorced me.


that's the LAST thing a woman actually wants!

be a bad boy next time around


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

minimalME said:


> in many cases, I felt resentful that he was taking over and in the way.


Yes, I think that was the effect. It hadn't occurred to me that she'd think housework was "hers" in some way, and that me doing it was "taking over" something.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Donny69 said:


> Marry someone stable that you find to be super hot (and they should be physically attracted to you).


Okay, I think I have spotted the difficult item in your list


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

vintagetriplex said:


> It’s hard to be vulnerable to a woman. She may lose respect for me and see what a weak man I am.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


You seem to display some symptoms of fear of abandonment. Look it up and see if the symptoms resonate with you. 

Let your wife get to know the real you. If she cuts and runs, it's better to find out now than later.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You seem to display some symptoms of fear of abandonment. Look it up and see if the symptoms resonate with you.
> 
> Let your wife get to know the real you. If she cuts and runs, it's better to find out now than later.


I don’t have fear of abandonment. I just cringe at this whole vulnerability thing. I would rather confide and be vulnerable to my close friends. 


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

vintagetriplex said:


> I don’t have fear of abandonment. I just cringe at this whole vulnerability thing. I would rather confide and be vulnerable to my close friends.


How can your wife love someone she doesn't actually know? She may be loving a fiction, not _you_.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> Other then keeping a perfect physical appearance, what are some things you do so that your spouse doesn’t fall out of love with you ?
> 
> I’m asking this question because marriage and romantic relationships are hard and your spouse may have a lot of expectations and love in romantic relationship and marriage is an infatuation that may die sooner or later.
> The ones that loves you unconditionally are often your parents and your real friends and other relatives and they will mostly likely never turn their backs on you. But you more likely to get dumped by your spouse.
> ...


You can't. You can do everything right and they still may. This isn't me saying you shouldn't work hard at it you should, but the answer to this question is -

You should never be so dependent on your spouse that if they left you tomorrow you wouldn't be fine after some time. Yes you would mourn, and grieve the loss but life would go on and you know in your heart you would be fine.

Everything in life ends eventually. That's life. Your spouse could die tomorrow and you would be in the same situation, albeit without the pain of the rejection that you would feel.

Again this life and everything in it is finite.

Coming to terms with this has the added effect of empowering you in your relationship and makes your more attractive IMO.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> How can your wife love someone she doesn't actually know? She may be loving a fiction, not _you_.


I want to maintain a perfect appearance so she doesn’t think I’m weak or something. Otherwise she may lose respect and reveal everything I say to her to her friends and they may talk trash about me. A lot of women love to bash their husbands. 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Can I ask you if you are a child of sudden divorce or sudden death of a parent?

I used to have this fear, and my parents got separated very suddenly, like one day they are together, the next day my Dad left the house. Looking back this was the worst part of the whole thing. Anyway because of that I had a very big fear of abandonment It made getting cheated on much worse, and it put me back right to those days. My internal questions was, "why does everyone leave me"? I needed to come to the realization that that was not what my worth or happiness was about. Romantic relationships ending is just as much a common event happening as romantic relationships happening to begin with. That's life, and it happens to everyone. Getting cheated on also allowed me to learn that, in the long run I was not and should never be dependent on just one person for my life's fulfillment. 

I made it a point after that relationship to have boundaries where there are other passions that give part of my life meaning, joy and contentment. So if my wife were to decide to leave me tomorrow, that would be a part of my life that would be missing, hopefully temperately, but I would have other things to fill that void. 

Don't get me wrong I love my wife and would miss her very much, but our relationship is not responsible for my life's joy and contentment, she contributes to it. 

Relationships where the relationship themselves ARE responsible for those things are inherently unhealthy. This is too much pressure to put on any person. 

At the end of the day the only people responsible for our own happiness are ourselves. 

The key to fixing your fear is coming to terms with this and broadening your passions.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's nothing that will really work because it's beyond your control, and sounds like you've certainly made some crap decisions and are controlling and secretive with her, so...

But overall, I would say be the best you can be, and if it's not good enough, it's not good enough. Also, be someone others find attractive (in different ways, not just physically). Be someone who knows they can find another if this one dumps them.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> It’s hard to be vulnerable to a woman. She may lose respect for me and see what a weak man I am.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Only if she is emotionally immature.

A decent woman would understand that her man is a human being, and will have moments of vulnerability. 

During those times it may be up to her to step up and help him back on his feet. 

If your partner can't have your back during these times, then they aren't a good partner, or need to be educated if ignorant.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> I want to maintain a perfect appearance so she doesn’t think I’m weak or something. Otherwise she may lose respect and reveal everything I say to her to her friends and they may talk trash about me. A lot of women love to bash their husbands.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


I have a question for you.

Is it worth 'keeping up appearances', when it seems be such a drain on your happiness?

Your fear is eating away at you.

The strongest people are the ones that know their vulnerabilities, accept them, and work on them when/if possible.

The ones who put on a 'strong front' (e.g. Macho) are generally the opposite inside, and have a large fear of the outside world seeing what they 'really' are.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Luminous said:


> Only if she is emotionally immature.
> 
> A decent woman would understand that her man is a human being, and will have moments of vulnerability.
> 
> ...


Wether she is immature or not. I wouldn’t take the risk. I feel more comfortable with my close friends. 


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> Wether she is immature or not. I wouldn’t take the risk. I feel more comfortable with my close friends.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


That is of course your choice, and if you can manage it without it eating away at you then you'll be fine.

An ex of mine didn't like it when I was having a down moment (which was not that often). She was immature, quite self centred, and had questionable loyalty. 

After that I swore I'd never open up to a woman in that way again... What did I know. 

The woman I am with now is a 180 from that. On the rare occasion I'm not 100%, she is supportive, generally can make me laugh quite easily, and wants to help if she can (even though she in currently in another country). 

I hope for your sake you don't expend too much energy on being 'bullet-proof' as it can have long term effects


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

vintagetriplex said:


> It’s hard to be vulnerable to a woman. She may lose respect for me and see what a weak man I am.


Correct, Never ever show any vulnerability in front of women, especially your spouse, she will lose *respect *and *attraction *to you, only confide and be vulnerable to your close "*male*" friends. when women say they like their men to be vulnerable , what they mean is that they want the man in their head (the top %10 of men) to be vulnerable, not YOU not ME, when you become Jeff Bezos or Bell Gates you can then be vulnerable with women.

But now, only show leadership and strength and be dominant (not tyrant) in the relation ship and things will work better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> I want to maintain a perfect appearance so she doesn’t think I’m weak or something. Otherwise she may lose respect and reveal everything I say to her to her friends and they may talk trash about me. A lot of women love to bash their husbands.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


You dont seem to have much faith in your wife.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Kaliber said:


> Correct, Never ever show any vulnerability in front of women, especially your spouse, she will lose *respect *and *attraction *to you, only confide and be vulnerable to your close "*male*" friends. when women say they like their men to be vulnerable , what they mean is that they want the man in their head (the top %10 of men) to be vulnerable, not YOU not ME, when you become Jeff Bezos or Bell Gates you can then be vulnerable with women.


Glad someone finally get where I’m coming from. Thank god i have wonderful close make friends. We talk to each other and we truly support each other. 


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> You dont seem to have much faith in your wife.


I have some faith in her. I just don’t want to be too comfortable with her. 


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Which country are you in?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

vintagetriplex said:


> Other then keeping a perfect physical appearance, what are some things you do so that your spouse doesn’t fall out of love with you ?
> 
> ........But even tho your spouse may still fall out of love regardless, *how do you make that love last for as long as possible?*


As David Schnarch in his books says Marriage, if done correctly, is one of the hardest things two people can do. He refers to marriage as a crucible where two different elements (people) are placed and exposed to intense pressure and fire until they either become a unified something new or they are destroyed.

He also goes on to say that Marriage is a people building machine. Two people are constantly pulling or pushing each other over the course of a marriage and constantly renegotiating roles, relationships, and duties as they both grow and mature at different rates. In the beginning the conflict and negotiations might be about sex, then about children, then how to raise the children, money, etc. What is sure is that it involves change, adaptation and negotiation.

I have been married to the same woman for over 49 years. I love her. I came very close to divorcing her. We have two wonderful adult children, are retired, love to travel, dream about future things to do together, and enjoy sex together (even though we have different levels of desire).

I really don't believe physical appearance is as important as you think. It is not unimportant, but other things are much more important.

My advice is to commit to working together to build a marriage. Transform sex into making love. Understand Chapman's 5 languages of love so you can make your partner feel loved and cherished in their (not your) Love Languages. Then understand that you can't change your partner, but you and they will grow and change and that you must both work to change and grow your marriage together.

Good Luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You love them.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

vintagetriplex said:


> It’s hard to be vulnerable *to a woman*. She may lose respect for me and see what a weak man I am.


She's not "a woman." She's your wife. You're engaging in generalities about women instead of dealing with the individual who is your wife.


vintagetriplex said:


> I don’t have fear of abandonment. I just cringe at this whole vulnerability thing. I would rather confide and be vulnerable to my close friends.


I cringe when I read stuff like this. Just curious, is it possible for your wife to have a good idea about something? Because sometimes not wanting to confide or be vulnerable is about wanting to make sure you get your own way. Leadership through tyranny.


vintagetriplex said:


> I want to maintain a perfect appearance so she doesn’t think I’m weak or something. Otherwise she may lose respect and reveal everything I say to her to her friends and they may talk trash about me. *A lot of women* love to bash their husbands.


And again, your wife is not "a lot of women." Marriage is not about keeping up appearances that differ from reality. Wanting to avoid confiding, or being vulnerable, are often signs of weakness, not strength.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You dont seem to have much faith in your wife.


It might be a mistake to think this is about his wife; I think it's his view of women in general. He's clearly much more comfortable around his guy friends.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You love them.


This.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Perhaps it is a case of being vulnerable _in a masculine way_.

When people talk about being vulnerable I would hedge a bet that it would involve aspects that may be considered feminine (i.e. What you see in the media/movies etc.)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At some point, his wife will get tired of him emotionally shutting her out. She'll wake up one day and think "I don't even know this man". She won't trust him to have her back because he is so unemotionally involved with her. That might work for her; but, it is a recipe for cutting bait when the going gets rough. Exactly what the OP doesn't want.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> At some point, his wife will get tired of him emotionally shutting her out. She'll wake up one day and think "I don't even know this man". She won't trust him to have her back because he is so unemotionally involved with her. That might work for her; but, it is a recipe for cutting bait when the going gets rough. Exactly what the OP doesn't want.


I don’t shut her out emotionally. When she is the one who needs emotional support I support her. 


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> At some point, his wife will get tired of him emotionally shutting her out. She'll wake up one day and think "I don't even know this man". She won't trust him to have her back because he is so unemotionally involved with her. That might work for her; but, it is a recipe for cutting bait when the going gets rough. Exactly what the OP doesn't want.


You are right, emotionally shutting her out is a relationship killer, I think what the OP is saying that he - as a man - he needs to be careful not to show weakness and neediness in his relationship because that's really a turn off for women, even though most women will tell you that they like seeing their men vulnerable , crying ..etc But on a practical level that will cost you some serious attraction point to her, she can't help it, she can't control losing attractiveness and respect for a man when he is vulnerable, this is how women are wired, it about her surviveability instinct that kicks in.

I have fairly huge social group, and I have never seen any friend or a friend-of-a-friend that when they become vulnerable it worked out well for him. even books have been written about this.

My rule with women is this:

Never show any vulnerability in front of your woman (No *pleading*, no *screaming*, no *crying*, no *complaining about work* ..etc), always be firm and confidant.
Be *confidant*, *decisive*, *dominant *,* leader *of the relationship (You make all the planing and the rules... you call the shots).
Have *pride*, *dignity*, and* self respect*.
Be *healthy *and *fit *(Gym, exercise, eat healthy ..etc)
Never Show neediness. (You *want *her, but you don't *need *her)
*Never show or believe she is the best that you can do*, or she is that unicorn, and the world evolves around her, even if you have kids together (indirect way of saying: if you don't want me, black mail me by withholding sex, or be disrespectful, or cheat, I will easily move on with my life and find someone better because I deserve better).
Lots of* making love with emotions* (not just plain sex).
Lots of* eye contact* and smiling.
Be* playful* in a sexy way, do that throughout the relationship (not to much to kill its value), butt smack, grouping ..etc
Lots of* making out*.
Be *brave *facing conflicts, never hide from it.
Be *supportive *when needed.
Don't accept *bull***t *from her.
I leaned all this the hard way, at the end this has worked extremely well for me and worked for some of my friends.
*Basically, an Alpha male with some Beta traits.*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Kaliber said:


> You are right, emotionally shutting her out is a relationship killer, I think what the OP is saying that he - as a man - he needs to be careful not to show weakness and neediness in his relationship because that's really a turn off for women, even though most women will tell you that they like seeing their men vulnerable , crying ..etc But on a practical level that will cost you some serious attraction point to her, she can't help it, she can't control losing attractiveness and respect for a man when he is vulnerable, this is how women are wired, it about her surviveability instinct that kicks in.
> 
> I have fairly huge social group, and I have never seen any friend or a friend-of-a-friend that when they become vulnerable it worked out well for him. even books have been written about this.
> 
> ...


I feel sorry for you. And, the OP.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> I feel sorry for you. And, the OP.


Don't be  
I think the problem is that you are seeing the relationships and marriages from our previous generation point of view, our parents and grandparents, this new generation is completely different, marriage is losing it's value, people cheat, open relationships, you name it..
Many married women can walk out of a marriage easily when they just don't feel like it anymore, or lost the spark, or misses the butterfly , or when they jump (monkey branch) to the next shiny man, or worse cheat for years, and yes men pay the price (family court anyone?!)
marriages for men is becoming so risky in the *West *it's not even worth it anymore!

If you are not an *Alpha* male, on top of your *game*, chances that you will be cheated on is extremely high, there are no real consequences for women when they nuke their marriages out of orbit, men will pay the heavy price, for years!
Finding a high quality women with values is very difficult, it's hard, it really *SUCKS *but this is the grim realty!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

vintagetriplex said:


> Other then keeping a perfect physical appearance, what are some things you do so that your spouse doesn’t fall out of love with you ?
> 
> I’m asking this question because marriage and romantic relationships are hard and your spouse may have a lot of expectations and love in romantic relationship and marriage is an infatuation that may die sooner or later.
> The ones that loves you unconditionally are often your parents and your real friends and other relatives and they will mostly likely never turn their backs on you. But you more likely to get dumped by your spouse.
> ...


Don't take your spouse for granted. Listen when they talk. Be open and honest with them. Put them before other people in your life. Let them know they are loved.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> that's the LAST thing a woman actually wants!
> 
> be a bad boy next time around


No. Wrong. Taking care of the house is more of a neutral activity. If you do it, neither gain points or lose points. If you don’t do it, it will generate resentment. The mistake is assuming that doing your fair share is enough to maintain her interest. Where as she views it as just what you should do as an adult. In other words, it’s the bare minimum.



Married but Happy said:


> How can your wife love someone she doesn't actually know? She may be loving a fiction, not _you_.


Wise words. I’d listen. 



vintagetriplex said:


> I want to maintain a perfect appearance so she doesn’t think I’m weak or something. Otherwise she may lose respect and reveal everything I say to her to her friends and they may talk trash about me. A lot of women love to bash their husbands.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Unless she is an idiot or extremely shallow that’s not going to work. 



vintagetriplex said:


> Wether she is immature or not. I wouldn’t take the risk. I feel more comfortable with my close friends.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


You are guaranteeing that she will fall out of love with you. 



Blondilocks said:


> At some point, his wife will get tired of him emotionally shutting her out. She'll wake up one day and think "I don't even know this man". She won't trust him to have her back because he is so unemotionally involved with her. That might work for her; but, it is a recipe for cutting bait when the going gets rough. Exactly what the OP doesn't want.


Yup. 


Kaliber said:


> Don't be
> I think the problem is that you are seeing the relationships and marriages from our previous generation point of view, our parents and grandparents, this new generation is completely different, marriage is losing it's value, people cheat, open relationships, you name it..
> Many married women can walk out of a marriage easily when they just don't feel like it anymore, or lost the spark, or misses the butterfly , or when they jump (monkey branch) to the next shiny man, or worse cheat for years, and yes men pay the price (family court anyone?!)
> marriages for men is becoming so risky in the *West *it's not even worth it anymore!
> ...


Please don’t listen to this guy. I mean he’s right, women can walk out of marriages because we are no long economically trapped in marriage. What that means is that women don’t have to tolerate abuse, neglect, and infedelity the way that our mothers and grandmothers had to.

But if that is not something you would do anyway, then the rules are the same. Start with the bare minimum...you have equal responsibility to taking care of the family as she does. How that works out, is up to the two of you. But once that’s the established then you have to take a look at who your wife is and what attracts her. That’s going to be different for every woman. Hopefully she’s good at communicating her needs and hopefully she has some self awareness to know what her needs are. If she doesn’t, there is nothing you can do about it. What you can do is make sure you are expressing your needs in a constructive way. Have healthy boundaries in how you treat her and how you expect to be treated. Understand what her boundaries are. Don’t push at the boundaries, and don’t let her push your boundaries. In the end you both have to keep choosing each other. Every day. And you will have to accept that you alone can’t hold your marriage together. She holds some responsibility for it as well. Honestly, It doesn’t sound like you are ready to be married. You are way too insecure.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Kaliber said:


> Don't be
> I think the problem is that you are seeing the relationships and marriages from our previous generation point of view, our parents and grandparents, this new generation is completely different, marriage is losing it's value, people cheat, open relationships, you name it..
> Many married women can walk out of a marriage easily when they just don't feel like it anymore, or lost the spark, or misses the butterfly , or when they jump (monkey branch) to the next shiny man, or worse cheat for years, and yes men pay the price (family court anyone?!)
> marriages for men is becoming so risky in the *West *it's not even worth it anymore!
> ...


You mean there is another dude, in a totally different country that has picked up on the exact same thing?? LMAO..... Truer words are rarely shared on this site Kaliber, and they are not received well, but they should be on full blast in the men's section. Women only "say" they want vulnerability, they don't actually want to live it. 

Kaliber, I am sure we could have quite a convo, but I don't think it would go over well here! I have some pretty cut and dried views, but they are accurate, and I just try to warn the younger ones when I can. They never listen but.....

Then you have the ones married 500yrs telling people it is all so great.....the reality is they lived in a different time.....now "replacements" are one swipe away. 

The reality is my upbringing in the church really screwed me in not understanding the "real" world. I get quite the kick out of people mouthing vows today and have no clue what they are saying, or any intent of actually doing that. That is probably why I will never get married. I thought the vows meant something......lol


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

vintagetriplex said:


> I want to maintain a perfect appearance so she doesn’t think I’m weak or something. Otherwise she may lose respect and reveal everything I say to her to her friends and they may talk trash about me. A lot of women love to bash their husbands.


I don't know if your wife is really one of those who love to bash their husbands, or whether that's in your mind. Either could be true. But in any case, you have little hope of "maintaining a perfect appearance". If she wants to bash you to her friends, she'll just make **** up! If she's really like that, then you should be going to couple counselling, or making escape plans. No point in living with someone whose main pleasure is running you down to their friends. Why would you stay with her for a single moment? But I'm not sure it's true. Maybe it's something you saw between your parents, or in a sitcom, or somthing? 

Vulnerability is a much debated subject, and like a lot of things, I think the debate comes from people using the words to mean different things. Then of course it seems they disagree! What is this "vulnerability"? Vulnerability to what?
One poster mentioned "screaming, pleading, and crying". That's definitely bad. I guess that's what the word means to them. I'd call that being "hurt" and "pathetic" and "childlike". You only plead with someone who has power over you. Vulnerability means taking a chance of getting hurt, it doesn't mean failing to cope _after _you've been hurt. (To me). 

The same poster Kaliber mentioned making love with emotions, eye contact and smiling, being playful. To me those are all forms of vulnerability: they permit your partner, if they choose, to reject it, or even worse, make fun of it, or worse still, laugh with their b****y friends about it. So in my use of the term, what Kaliber is recommending includes vulnerability. I get that he might not use the word that way. But it's taking the armour off. 



Luminous said:


> Perhaps it is a case of being vulnerable _in a masculine way_.
> 
> When people talk about being vulnerable I would hedge a bet that it would involve aspects that may be considered feminine (i.e. What you see in the media/movies etc.)


Yes, exactly. 

One of the worst forms of male vulnerability avoidance is the so called "Nice Guy", who never asks for what he wants (because someone might refuse him), dresses bland (in case someone mocks him), tries to look perfect, never admits mistakes (because a mistake would be a vulnerability) and so on. It's impossible to be in a real relationship with a NiceGuy because you can't believe what he says. It's all an act. 



vintagetriplex said:


> I don’t shut her out emotionally. When she is the one who needs emotional support I support her.


In what way? Can you give an example?


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## Buttugly (Apr 1, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> Other then keeping a perfect physical appearance, what are some things you do so that your spouse doesn’t fall out of love with you ?
> 
> I’m asking this question because marriage and romantic relationships are hard and your spouse may have a lot of expectations and love in romantic relationship and marriage is an infatuation that may die sooner or later.
> The ones that loves you unconditionally are often your parents and your real friends and other relatives and they will mostly likely never turn their backs on you. But you more likely to get dumped by your spouse.
> ...





vintagetriplex said:


> Other then keeping a perfect physical appearance, what are some things you do so that your spouse doesn’t fall out of love with you ?
> 
> I’m asking this question because marriage and romantic relationships are hard and your spouse may have a lot of expectations and love in romantic relationship and marriage is an infatuation that may die sooner or later.
> The ones that loves you unconditionally are often your parents and your real friends and other relatives and they will mostly likely never turn their backs on you. But you more likely to get dumped by your spouse.
> ...


Always remember you and your spouse are human and are not perfect , never compare / judge your spouse to another person because you have your faults too .

Communication is the key . No stonewalling , no withholding communication , never use hinting to communicate ECT ...be clear ! Compromise with each other , no doormatting or scapegoating each other neither one of you is better than the other.

Support each others interests separately and together . Grow emotionally with each other but also respect differences . The growth part is very important over the decades !

Be on your spouses side , be a team . Never treat your spouse as if their an embarrassment especially in front of others , if you have an issue discuss it privately.

My husband has done that over the smallest things for years, like for example a laugh burst forth from me when we were out with another couple when some one said a joke and he got visually embarrassed and we all noticed it , I was crushed inside and humiliated , he was embarrassed by me simply being human .

After awhile you'll wonder what is his /she thinks about you when your at your most vulnerable between the sheets ? Its a turn off .

Treat every anniversary , birthday , holiday as a reason to celebrate your relationship !
My husband treated those events by " forgetting or reluctantly acknowledging them or passive aggressive manipulation / undermining.

Don't leave the health of the relationship on your spouse , participate in keeping it alive .



Turn towards each other not away, especially during hard times !! Never leave / desert your spouse leaving them alone to handle major crisies... If they ask for help and are rejected too many times then the spouse will ask why am I married in the first place to this person if their going to bail out every time ? Support your spouse emotionally during a crisis, be there in it with them !!

Always accept and respect yourself and your spouse as the individuals you are...warts and all neither of you are perfect and that's normal .

Doesn't every one want to be accepted unconditionally ?
I say this from personal experience .

Some spouses forget this and become critical of their spouse for just being human . I'm not saying anything goes , I'm talking about the simple things that make us human and individuals.


Use moderation in T.V. watching, video game playing , cell phone use ...those things can and do take a lot of time away from a marriage , you may be physically together doing that stuff but mentally your apart aka checked out .

Explore new things to do together like hobbies , art / reading / hiking / walking / running / biking / kayaking / fishing or listen to music ...all of those activities are good for the mind and body .

Never make it a habit of ignoring your spouse all the time.

Never make your spouse feel unattractive / undesirable always let them know you desire them .
Never put your family, mother,father,sister,brother before your spouse.
Never make your spouse feel you or some one else is better than them , you are equal to your spouse .

Don't be the good times only spouse and check out when life gets difficult .
Don't be critical and reject your spouse when he/she asks for help .


For example ...after the birth or our infant son I came home with the baby and the flu ... I was exhausted up day and night for weeks and asked my husband to care for our son who had bad colic and chronic ear infections so I could catch up on sleep / rest for 30 mins this was after I was kicked out of the bedroom because of the baby .

He refused to help then i compromised asked why couldn't he care for our son for 15 minutes so I could rest... he said it was because of the sloppy way I do things ( everything was done ,house was always neat and clean ,dinner cooked etc ) ...he never helped with anything after we married .

I eventually stopped asking for help with the baby ...I didn't need another insult and rejection it was hurtful . He turned away from me ,not towards me ...I was the one who was always trying ...not him . Be present for the hard stuff .

Always make sure your spouse knows you still love and accept them as the the years go by.

Care for them when they are sick with the flu or other illnesses. My husband walked past me like I didn't exist when I was sick ... I felt like I was worthless . Eventually in later years he told me I was worthless and a waste . Actions say more than words . I always tried to do better because I thought I wasn't enough I needed to improve...but 30 yrs later I now know better.

Never unjustly judge your spouse without sharing an issue you may have with them , fair hearing please ..give them a chance to justify themselves.

Don't play metal games with your spouse to " teach them a lesson " over some perceived slight that's cruelty . My husband is a champ at that ...mental games erode the trust in a relationship.

Maintain good healthy habits , its not fair to let yourself go and in later yrs develop health issues that results in your spouse or children to be your caretaker . . .do what you can to prevent disease . Health issues develop as we age its natural , but many are preventable .

Clean up after yourself ...your spouse is not your mother , father or servant in other words be responsible and self efficient, don't be lazy .

Never tell your spouse they love too much , they care too much . My husband did that .

By rejecting their love again and again they will someday become apathetic and not love or care about the marriage anymore ...

Don't get too lazy about the marriage .

Hear your spouse when they have an issue with the relationship... even if you may not agree with what they say or feel.

Accept what they say or feel at face value and think it over don't invalidate their thoughts or feelings because you see or feel differently or think you know better about it. It makes them feel like they don't matter and the relationship becomes one sided ...one sided relationships usually end if one person holds all the power by invalidating the other .

Your spouse is a grown individual , not your child.

Always reciprocate kind and thoughtful acts , its the small stuff in a marriage that counts ...it really is .

By avoiding those negative things you will keep the trust in your marriage ,When trust is lost the marriage is usually over for one of you ...they will not longer trust you with their heart and soul and leave you .

Don't be ...
Arrogant ,Self absorbed , Selfish, Unempathetic, Critical, close minded,judgemental

Be ...
Humble, Generous, Empathetic , Grateful, Open minded , unjudgmental

Tell and show him or her you love them everyday with actions and words. We all just want acceptance, care and love by the one we love and are suppose to trust with our life.

Sorry I didn't mean to write a book ,but I did .


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> You mean there is another dude, in a totally different country that has picked up on the exact same thing?? LMAO..... Truer words are rarely shared on this site Kaliber, and they are not received well, but they should be on full blast in the men's section. Women only "say" they want vulnerability, they don't actually want to live it.
> 
> Kaliber, I am sure we could have quite a convo, but I don't think it would go over well here! I have some pretty cut and dried views, but they are accurate, and I just try to warn the younger ones when I can. They never listen but.....
> 
> ...


The truth is you are a commitment phobe. You wouldn't even marry the mother of your children. You use women.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I don't know if your wife is really one of those who love to bash their husbands, or whether that's in your mind. Either could be true. But in any case, you have little hope of "maintaining a perfect appearance". If she wants to bash you to her friends, she'll just make **** up! If she's really like that, then you should be going to couple counselling, or making escape plans. No point in living with someone whose main pleasure is running you down to their friends. Why would you stay with her for a single moment? But I'm not sure it's true. Maybe it's something you saw between your parents, or in a sitcom, or somthing?
> 
> Vulnerability is a much debated subject, and like a lot of things, I think the debate comes from people using the words to mean different things. Then of course it seems they disagree! What is this "vulnerability"? Vulnerability to what?
> One poster mentioned "screaming, pleading, and crying". That's definitely bad. I guess that's what the word means to them. I'd call that being "hurt" and "pathetic" and "childlike". You only plead with someone who has power over you. Vulnerability means taking a chance of getting hurt, it doesn't mean failing to cope _after _you've been hurt. (To me).
> ...


I give her emotional support whenever she needs. When she had a bad day or something, I listen to her when she wants to vent. I also try to find solutions to fix her problems if I can. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

vintagetriplex said:


> I give her emotional support whenever she needs. When she had a bad day or something, I listen to her when she wants to vent. I also try to find solutions to fix her problems if I can.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Men are fixers; they want to fix things. But women typically don't want you to fix their problem. They just want you to listen to them talk about their problem and let them come up with their own solution.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@butting

Above, you gave a great list. It was soooooo long I didn't feel good about quoting it. And it was a good list.

That said, it was a generic list, had all the right words and there's nothing wrong with it...this isn't a criticism. 

That said, it was indeed generic and by the thread's nature kind of had to be generic. 

Adding to it - it's important to include steps that support the unique and individual concerns of an SO. There are few truly unique circumstances out there but each main topic has some unique meaning to an individual.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> The truth is you are a commitment phobe. You wouldn't even marry the mother of your children. You use women.


You know since we went our separate ways, I have heard from THREE professionals that unprovoked, flat out told me my ex is nuts. One might be interesting, two may be a coincidence, but three starts to paint a picture...... Unfortunately she did a number on my brain before I totally cut all ties with her, and she is currently brainwashing the kids now too. I never know if we are beating bible, drums, or car windows today.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> Men are fixers; they want to fix things. But women typically don't want you to fix their problem. They just want you to listen to them talk about their problem and let them come up with their own solution.


 That is 100% TRUE! I had to hear that from a therapist because I am a serious fixer by nature.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Just FYI have ended all my previous relationships due to lack of emotional connection. Women cheat/have affairs emotional or physical many times because they feel a lack of connection with their partner.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

“I asked a group of women why they are scared of men, they replied they might kill us. I asked a group of men why they are scared of women, they replied they might laugh at us.”

The OP is terrified of women.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vintagetriplex said:


> Other then keeping a perfect physical appearance, what are some things you do so that your spouse doesn’t fall out of love with you ?
> 
> I’m asking this question because marriage and romantic relationships are hard and your spouse may have a lot of expectations and love in romantic relationship and marriage is an infatuation that may die sooner or later.
> The ones that loves you unconditionally are often your parents and your real friends and other relatives and they will mostly likely never turn their backs on you. But you more likely to get dumped by your spouse.
> ...


I keep dating my W! Flowers, notes, date night and making my W first in everything.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Just FYI have ended all my previous relationships due to lack of emotional connection. Women cheat/have affairs emotional or physical many times because they feel a lack of connection with their partner.


Well......... cheating sounds completely justified then....blame the guy....


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> “I asked a group of women why they are scared of men, they replied they might kill us. I asked a group of men why they are scared of women, they replied they might laugh at us.”
> 
> The OP is terrified of women.


Which group is Carol Baskin in? Just curious......lol


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> Well......... cheating sounds completely justified then....blame the guy....


That’s not what I’m saying. 
But there are certain gender patterns or behaviors if you will.
Physical is important to men, connection is important to women. Obviously both are important to everyone. 

Not being vulnerable to your wife is equivalent to a women gaining weight.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> You know since we went our separate ways, I have heard from THREE professionals that unprovoked, flat out told me my ex is nuts. One might be interesting, two may be a coincidence, but three starts to paint a picture...... Unfortunately she did a number on my brain before I totally cut all ties with her, and she is currently brainwashing the kids now too. I never know if we are beating bible, drums, or car windows today.


I seriously question the professionalism of those 'professionals'. If they diagnosed on your descriptions of her behavior, they were out of line. If they broke confidentiality, they were out of line.

The OP has a serious question of trust with his wife and yet he has no explanation for it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> That’s not what I’m saying.
> But there are certain gender patterns or behaviors if you will.
> Physical is important to men, connection is important to women. Obviously both are important to everyone.
> 
> Not being vulnerable to your wife is equivalent to a women gaining weight.



Not being able to say no to your SO is the equivalent of a man being whipped.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I seriously question the professionalism of those 'professionals'. If they diagnosed on your descriptions of her behavior, they were out of line. If they broke confidentiality, they were out of line.
> 
> The OP has a serious question of trust with his wife and yet he has no explanation for it.


No, they gave a very vague opinion based on actually KNOWING her! One was a school psychologist, so take my word "professional" as you may.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP has a serious question of trust with his wife and yet he has no explanation for it.


Why do you say he has no explanation for it? Because you don't like the explanation? 

He's made it quite clear the issue with his wife is that she's a woman. Every attribute he ascribes to her is an attribute he ascribes to women in general. He doesn't seem to want to know his wife as an individual, and he certainly doesn't want his wife to know him as an individual. Which of course means that he also carries the burden of all men.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Not being vulnerable to your wife is equivalent to a women gaining weight.


I will be honest with you, I never ever take relationship advice from women... EVER. It's always misleading!
I learned my lesson well, very well, they give you an advice, and if you take it and try it, it will backfire on you!
As I said before, women want you to be vulnerable if you are one of the top %10 men, they want "*Brad Pitt*" type to be vulnerable with them, not *YOU *not *ME*!

Never heard a good dating advice from women except from one lady a couple of years back, she said when you come home from a bad day and you open up and be vulnerable with your spouse and confide with her, and tell her what happened, she will comfort you, hug you, be there for you... all nice!! 
BUT deep down she starts to resents you for not being a man and standing up for yourself and solving your problems, her survival instinct kicks in, and she feels insecure with you because how can she feel secure and safe when you can't solve your problems and you are the leader of the house, the protector, the provider?! What will he do when the family is in danger?! How can he step up and fix things when he can't solve his own problems at work!
She said women can't control it, or are aware of it, it all happens subconsciously!

Women will not leave their men when they are good and successful, that man is the love of her life, he is a good man, great in bed, successful! But once said man loses his job or business and becomes broke and struggles she will leave him* if she was able* to secure someone else.

I feel sad for many men, they just don't get it, they think they got it figured out, let me break it to you:* you can't figure out women*, most people don't understand the relationship dynamics between men and women. it's not Disney happy ever after and it's not a Hollywood romantic movie. Women are driving by their biology!
Emotions dictate how they behave!
Don't believe me, ask yourself:
Why they have mood swings and sometimes plain rude when they are in their period?
Why when they are ovulating they become sexy and dress sexy without even noticing that themselves?!
Why almost all women's ONS happens when they are ovulating?!
Why when they find a more successful man, they monkey branch and give you the: I love you but not in love with you (*ILYBINILWY*)?!
Why do they destroy their marriages because they miss the butterfly days or they are just bored?! 
Why do they act like act like crazy teens and seek validation from any one when they have mid life crises without them noticing their behavior?!
Why when you call your woman out on her BS and put her in her place and be dominant they become more attracted to you when in theory they should be angry and resentful?!
... I can go on, but will stop here!

But are all women like that who they can't control them selves, and act like that?!
*Of course not*, there are high quality women out their, they have values, integrity, dignity, and pride, they never cheat, they don't monkey branch even if it's tempting, they are very smart, they do what's right if the relationship doesn't work, they are good wives, good mothers, they have good relationship with their parents and families, they were raised well.
But good luck finding one let alone securing them!
It's like finding a needle in a hey stack!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> Why do you say he has no explanation for it? Because you don't like the explanation?


Well, he didn't actually offer an explanation. She hasn't done any of the things he is afraid she will do so there is no basis for mistrusting her. Apparently, his friends have told him she might so he is to come to them. 

I'm guessing you found an explanation that says because she is a woman? And, you find that justifiable?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Laurentium said:


> .......The same poster Kaliber mentioned making love with emotions, eye contact and smiling, being playful. To me those are all forms of vulnerability: they permit your partner, if they choose, to reject it, or even worse, make fun of it, or worse still, laugh with their b****y friends about it. So in my use of the term, what Kaliber is recommending includes vulnerability. I get that he might not use the word that way. But it's taking the armour off.
> 
> .......One of the worst forms of male vulnerability avoidance is the so called "Nice Guy", who never asks for what he wants (because someone might refuse him), dresses bland (in case someone mocks him), tries to look perfect, never admits mistakes (because a mistake would be a vulnerability) and so on. It's impossible to be in a real relationship with a NiceGuy because you can't believe what he says. It's all an act.....


I do agree that it is hard to love a Nice Guy. However, "....making love with emotions, eye contact and smiling, being playful....." is often described as classic bonding behavior. Doesn't matter whether it is Sue Johnson, David Schnarch, nursing a baby, or BDSM "after care."


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Kaliber said:


> I will be honest with you, I never ever take relationship advice from women... EVER. It's always misleading!
> I learned my lesson well, very well, they give you an advice, and if you take it and try it, it will backfire on you!
> As I said before, women want you to be vulnerable if you are one of the top %10 men, they want "*Brad Pitt*" type to be vulnerable with them, not *YOU *not *ME*!
> 
> ...


There is a difference between coming home and venting about a bad day every once in a while, and coming home and complaining everyday that work was bad. I’ve dated men that everyday was so stressful and so tragic and bad. It’s annoying. And I think it doesn’t matter the gender, If your complaining every single day it’s annoying!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Kaliber said:


> I will be honest with you, I never ever take relationship advice from women... EVER. It's always misleading!
> I learned my lesson well, very well, they give you an advice, and if you take it and try it, it will backfire on you!
> As I said before, women want you to be vulnerable if you are one of the top %10 men, they want "*Brad Pitt*" type to be vulnerable with them, not *YOU *not *ME*!
> 
> ...


Monkey branching is not new and it will never go away. There will always be crappy people out there who only think of themselves and always want to “upgrade” their spouse. 

Certain women will upgrade to a more successful man if given an opportunity just like certain men will upgrade to a more younger hotter women if given an opportunity.

Not all women or men are like this. Stop making this a women bashing thing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Kaliber too much red pill my friend. 

Like everything else you'll find more peace in moderation of those extremes.

Remember, balance....


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kaliber said:


> I will be honest with you, I never ever take relationship advice from women... EVER. It's always misleading!
> ...
> But good luck finding one let alone securing them!
> It's like finding a needle in a hey stack!


I don't consider myself a needle in the haystack. I have never thought of upgrading my husband who has beta and alpha traits. He is kind and loving and helpful around the house. And he get sex as often has he can handle it. If he were to get sick and not be able to work or have sex I'd be here for the rest of my life helping him and loving him. We've been doing this for 27 years. We are each others best friends and we confide in each other. It truly is the best life for me. I really wish most on this forum could experience this kind of secure, loving, all-in marriage.

I am sorry that you, your brain and your behavior has led to picking bad spouses. But you should also look inward.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

vintagetriplex said:


> But even tho your spouse may still fall out of love regardless, how do you make that love last for as long as possible?


That question is the source of the problem. 

Many people do not understand that it is OK and normal to not feel love towards a spouse or even feel hatred toward them. The closer you get to someone, the more turbulent and unstable it becomes. Negative emotions actually tend to balance things back out and create opportunities for self development. 

The answer to the question is that you and your spouse have to learn love overcoming your hate for each other. 

Badsanta


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

badsanta said:


> That question is the source of the problem.
> 
> Many people do not understand that it is OK and normal to not feel love towards a spouse or even feel hatred toward them. The closer you get to someone, the more turbulent and unstable it becomes. Negative emotions actually tend to balance things back out and create opportunities for self development.
> 
> ...


If it’s okay to not feel love for your spouse or even hatred then why get married ? 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> There is a difference between coming home and venting about a bad day every once in a while, and coming home and complaining everyday that work was bad. I’ve dated men that everyday was so stressful and so tragic and bad. It’s annoying. And I think it doesn’t matter the gender, If your complaining every single day it’s annoying!


You have actually supported Kaliber's comments without even realizing. You dated guys where things were stressful. IE, you did not marry them, you vanished. This is why if you have a bad day, you should not be sharing that. It does really suck to be in a man's world where the realization is if you don't perform, you are out. When you need someone the most, just don't....... Like Kaliber pointed out, they will sweet talk and act supportive, BUT will be weighing options in their head. 

Sure, there are women that are so-so, and don't have men chasing them around. Those are the types that would stick around, and probably resort to husband bashing with the girl friends. 

Then you have the rare birds on this forum that love to tell everyone "I have been married 500yrs, and our life is just perfect and we even wipe each other when we potty"..... Those are EXCEPTIONS, not the rule. Matter of fact, just rifle right on through this forum if you need proof..... 50% of marriages end in divorce, fact..... of the 50% married, half of those are miserable. That leaves a whopping 25% chance of a successful marriage IF it is your first marriage. 2nd, 3rd - 6th, those numbers are MUCH worse! 

I was just thinking yesterday while running about a new marriage slogan....

"Marriage....it's no longer forever, it's for right now"


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I think @badsanta 's intention is to include a point that it's normal to not feel sappy, gooey love for an SO every second of every minute of every day. And that sometimes you feel not-so when you may get fired up over something. 

But that's how passion fuels the relationship. 

Because you know you love that person except when you want to (figuratively) smack them and you conversely know they may (surely) want to smack you at times.

Then the clouds part and the sun comes out, and as a couple you realize you want to be close again so you set the silly sh!t aside, and of course love is there still, and now amazing again.

If @badsanta wants to correct me, all good, this is just the way I see it.

We're all more normal and alike in some things that we believe, and this dynamic is common in ltrs. A good thing.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> If it’s okay to not feel love for your spouse or even hatred then why get married ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


He means that there are times that we don’t like our spouse. There are times we hate them. These are feelings and emotions, they come and go. Love is a choice. It’s a choice we make to love, to treat our spouses great, and it’s a choice to think positively of your spouse. 
Some people choice not to treat their spouse good. Some people choose to withhold themselves from their spouse. Some people choose to compare their spouse with others. Some people choose to think negative things about their spouse. These people usually leave their spouse, cheat on their spouse, or live miserably with their spouse.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> You have actually supported Kaliber's comments without even realizing. You dated guys where things were stressful. IE, you did not marry them, you vanished. This is why if you have a bad day, you should not be sharing that. It does really suck to be in a man's world where the realization is if you don't perform, you are out. When you need someone the most, just don't....... Like Kaliber pointed out, they will sweet talk and act supportive, BUT will be weighing options in their head.
> 
> Sure, there are women that are so-so, and don't have men chasing them around. Those are the types that would stick around, and probably resort to husband bashing with the girl friends.
> 
> ...


No I haven’t supported what he was saying. NO ONE wants to be with a miserable person. Man or women. If they complain every single day, no one wants to be around that. 

We all have to suck it up, and carry on with a positive attitude from time to time. Man and women. For every negative thing in our life there are positive things, so why ALWAYS share the negative? It can be draining to be with someone like that.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

There is a difference between opening up to your spouse about things that matter, feeling sad over your parents death,!having a really difficult day at work, fearing something etc. then there is telling your partner every ache and pain, and little stupid negative thing that happened in your day. 

Ah my back hurts. My boss pissed me off. My feet hurt. I’m too tired to help with dinner. We haven’t had sex in forever. You get the picture.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

No one believes that either person in a relationship has to have constant outpouring of every little trouble, challenge, work problem, or feelings' diarrhea of the mouth all the time but again,

there's the middle ground which works for many. 

For others only highlights, but still unique to themselves as a couple works.

Just not having a say nothing reveal nothing relationship. If one believes that then perhaps it's best for that person to not be in a relationship if they're too paranoid to share anything. 

Just my opinion.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

vintagetriplex said:


> If it’s okay to not feel love for your spouse or even hatred then why get married ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


That is what divorce is for if you have to ask that question. 

There are two types of feelings. The feelings you feel which can not be helped. Then you get to decide how you feel about those feelings. A negative feeling can be natural and you can then decide to do something positive with that feeling. 

Imagine your arm hurts after exercising. If exercising hurts your arm, then why exercise? Marriage works the same way. You have a problem and you work through it. The process is often uneasy and can hurt. Afterwards the relationship is stronger once the problem has been addressed. 

Badsanta


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Kaliber too much red pill my friend.
> 
> Like everything else you'll find more peace in moderation of those extremes.
> 
> Remember, balance....


@Ragnar Ragnasson I'm actually not red pilled, you don't need to be red pilled to see what's going on in relationships in our western society, believe it or not I am more into Athol Kay (Author of: The Married Man Sex Life Primer) approach in relationships: Be a dominant Alpha male but with beta traits to sustain the relationship, I believe his approach is balanced, it has worked extremely well for me!



Girl_power said:


> Not all women or men are like this. Stop making this a women bashing thing.


I'm not bashing women!
And guess what, men are not any better, one of the main reasons why this cycle continues. lots of men are weak, emotionally unstable, raised by single moms, emasculated, pride-less, cry a lot, doormats, basically a bunch of spinless simps!
Check any relationship forums including Reddit to see what I mean!
Of course these type of men get cheated on and stepped on, why not?! their women have no fear of them, they know they will be taken back!
How many times did you wonder why many male betrayed spouses reconcile with their cheating wives?!
Have you guys seen the story from that guys in the infidelity section where he gave his wife a hall pass to sleep with her CW crush? THEN he made her some snacks WHEN SHE CAME BACK!
How many spinless men are "forced" into an open relationship rather than having the guts to kick their wives to the curb!
No pride, no dignity, no self respect!

So no, I'm not just criticle of women, and it's not bashing, it's facts!


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Mylehigh said:


> Start by making a good choice of who your spouse is. Your first statement about physical perfection is a bit suggestive of a superficial focus - is that your focus or your SO that seems to call for this? It is important to stay healthy and fit. It shows self-respect and care. If you don’t love yourself you won’t be easy to love. But physical perfection is not likely for anyone. Nor is it a basis for real love. The sex would be pretty awesome though...


Hey @Mylehigh whats the word....?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Latsa spankins......


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Folks, the OP has been banned. Sorry, but we were played.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Thanks for the update. Good job.

I called it, thought the same.


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