# is this a sincere apology from my WS?



## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

hi, i recently caught my H at the beginning of an EA. on more snooping i found a FB account which i didnt know existed. i am not a suspicious W by nature, so this acc has been around for 3yrs already. not alot of ativity on it, but the deceit & lies has really upset me.

when confronted he initially denied everything. now admits to parts of it, but has come up with excuses for the rest- we were in a bad patch, he's knows it's no excuse but..., he was alone during our seperation, he forgot abt the FB account etc.

he is apologetic, but i feel that this apology is not sincere cos of the excuses & such. The apology was sent via email. What do I do now, reply saying that I dont think he's being sincere. Ignore it until he actually phones (i've moved in with my folks so he can't speak face to face). I'm so conflicted. Any suggestion on where to from here?


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Only you know about his remorse. The eyes, body language etc will tell you and you know them.
It is good to have a talk with him in person rather than an email.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You can't always see remorse. They get really good at faking it. 
Here is a tip. If he looks you direct in the eye and tells you something. It is probably not true.
if you think he is not remorseful though. He probably isn't.
Tread carefully.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If the apology contains excuses or justifications he's qualifying it and it's half hearted at best. A genuinely remorseful apology is just that an apology only. Excuses and justification are only to make the offender feel better. A genuine apology is ONLY about assuaging the wounds inflicted on another, the feelings of the offender are no part of it.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

FWIW.... 

This apology MUST come directly from him. Hurting someone you love deeply then sending an e-mail is disgusting cowardice. IMO.

I dont' know your H or how he operates... but my mind would tend to wander into thinking that he was uncertain of how he would "perform" in person and scared you would see right through him if he delivered this apology in person. I'd suspect he's "rehearsing" his story and frantically trying to get his bearing about how he feels, what you know, how easily this can be swept under the rug, etc... before you get the face to face version... 

But... I had questions about the sincerity of the many apologees my now eXW was giving me at various times during the saga... It prompted me to research remorse and this is what I learned...

There is no infallable way to know if what you are seeing is genuine remorse or not.

What I would start with would be your gut... that's where it all begins. No one knows your spouse quite the way that you do. Do you sense genuine remorse? 

As with all people that mislead, lie or decieve there are always subtle non-verbal cues (facial expressions) which can give you some indication whether the person is being genuine...

People who fake remorse tend to show a greater range of emotional expressions and swing from one emotion to another very quickly - if the base emotional responses are grouped into three categories; Good (happy) /Neutral (neutral, surprise). /Bad (sadness, fear, anger, contempt, disgust) a person intentionally decieving you will tend to swing from category to category very quickly. Particularly from good to bad or bad to good (skipping nuetral). The phenomenon is referred to as emotional turbulence - They will also speak with more hesitation.

It might also bear mentioning that the saying about people lying not looking you in the eyes, is actually completely false in the case of WS's. You will find that they go out of the way to look you dead in the eyes while lying to you. 

There are also some qualities/behaviors to look for when someone is genuinely remorseful... 

They are signs/actions that someone will commonly exhibit (coping mechinisms) when internally healing from an action or decision that they have made which they feel was wrong... These are obviously not hard cold "musts" for a spouse to qualify as genuinely remorseful... But, I hope this gives you a "roadmap" of some indicators....

1. A remorseful spouse is willing if not eager to confess everything about the behaviors and mistakes they made. They commonly show a genuine desire to "come clean". 

2. A remorseful spouse is openly accountable for their actions and seeks to identify and make changes to insure that this behavior does not reoccur. (They feel genuine pain, therefore they seek to prevent this pain from reoccuring. (normal human response to pain - AVOID IT) (No genuine pain = No reason to seek a solution to avoid repeating that pain).

3. A remorseful spouse will seek to "work", not only on themselves but on general life responsibilities. A remorseful spouse faces the responsibilities of thier day-to-day life and will often show increased motivation to meet those tasks. The work is often approached in a more "humble" way by the remorseful spouse. 

4. A remorseful spouse will not object to limitations (i.e. transperency) set by the faithful spouse as a result their actions and in an effort to promote the healing of the violated trust. 

5. A remorseful spouse faces the pain they have caused. A remorseful spouse will allow you to express the intesity of the feelings and hurt their actions have caused without justifying, minimizing or blame-shifting.

6. A remorseful spouse seeks forgiveness and respects the process of forgiveness often takes time. They will not be impatient or pressure the injured spouse to say "I forgive you" and will never exhibit a "get over it!" attitude. 

From reading what you've said and to answer your question based on my opinion. No, this isn't even close to genuine remorse. It's sounds like he is sorry he got caught.


----------



## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

thanks everyone for your responses.

looks like my initial feeling was right after all. I've forwarded him the beowoulf's description about how an act like this afects the BS. that was my only reponse. I dont think I will respond any further until he has the guts to actually call me or request a face to face meeting.


----------

