# I used divorce as a threat



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

I am not proud of what I did, I am not even sure that it was worth it. But I drew up divorce paperwork and e-mailed to my spouse in order to communicate my feelings of how miserable and hurt I am. I will start to say, I love my spouse. But he just pushed me to my breaking point. Recently we had a wedding after we have already been married for a year. The day before the wedding, he became upset/annoyed/irritated with his family and decided to send a text and cancel the rehearsal dinner. I understood his annoyance, but I asked him to put it aside and come and eat with my family. He stated that he did not feel like being around anyone so he would not attend. Needless to say, I still had dinner with my family. My parents were mortified that this had happened and I was really sad. I did my best to put on a smile, but it was hard. Fast forward to the wedding. My spouse is not a big dancer and was even having a little concern about our first dance- so we rehearsed. First dance was fine. However, toward the end of the evening, one of my bridesmaid said you guys have not even danced all night in a joking manner and I replied yeah baby lets dance! He looked at me and snapped and said, I don't want to dance and you will be alright and stormed out. Again my bridesmaid looked at me and said I know that hurt girl. While it did hurt, I again put on a smile. I find my self often times smiling through the hurt and trying to move past the hurtful moments. But I just got tired. I have tried to talk to my spouse in the past about this and he said that I was just weak like a helpless bird and could not take criticism. He says things like this, "If I knew that your cleaning habits were like that I would have never dated you." He is rude and a nasty person and I have said that to him before. He has this thing with hanging up the phone when he is frustrated and then not answering my calls. That really pisses me off. As I reflect, what set me off to file divorce paperwork may appear to be a silly argument, but it was just enough. You see, I spent two hours trying to do something for my spouse and yes I was frustrated because It took longer than what I expected it to. My spouse sensed my frustration and thought I had an attitude with him. His response was to say never mind, I will do it myself and hang up the phone and not answer my calls. Understanding his stubborn personality, I have committed myself to being the bigger person, by trying to do the mature thing and trying to let things go and I just could not do it anymore. Why do I always have to be the one to apologize and let things go when he never does. For now we live apart because of my job, and as a result he is saying that because he has been burnt in a past relationship, he does not feel our situation is stable enough for him to sacrifice his career to move her to be with me. What have I done? I just need him to hear me.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Divorce papers are the best idea you had yet, IMO.


He acts like a baby. Seems emotionally immature. And is emotionally abusive.

He also has a problem with self fulfilling prophesies. Your married, he married you, and he says the relationship is not stable enough? Wtf!

He's digging his own grave and can't understand it.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Seems like you did the right thing. He sounds childish and insecure. He has no right to treat you the way he is.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I get the feeling that marriage doesn't mean as much to him as it does to you. The fact that he won't even commit to his *wife*, the person he's supposed to envision growing old with and holding hands on a porch watching the sun go down... because he's been burnt in the past. So what? Who hasn't been burnt, honestly!

With everything else, you may have done yourself the biggest favour of your life by sending him divorce papers.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to mean it and be willing to follow through when you mention divorce. Otherwise, your spouse will never believe you are serious. Scare tactics don't usually work.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Use the D word too many times and it will be a reality, as is the case with ex and I

Hence if you use it - as openminded mentioned - you have to mean it and be ready for it. Otherwise it's a bad move


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Star79 said:


> Why do I always have to be the one to apologize and let things go when he never does. For now we live apart because of my job, and as a result he is saying that because he has been burnt in a past relationship, he does not feel our situation is stable enough for him to sacrifice his career to move her to be with me. What have I done? I just need him to hear me.


1. You don't "have to" apologize, be the bigger person, or anything else. You choose to, and in the process you're training him to see you in a certain way.

2. Neither of you is being responsible to each other. Neither of you is being responsible FOR and TO yourself. The ability to do this isn't easy, but it's necessary to make a relationship work.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can understand your need to apologise to move on from something; that you have the feeling that if you don't make that apology that the problem will remain like a brick wall between you until you give in, because he never will. Kathy is right though that you are teaching him treat you a certain way. He insults you and makes you feel bad, so you come crawling and apologise.

You don't have to remain angry with him, you don't have to hold a grudge, but you do need to stand up for yourself. That doesn't need to be a screaming match, it can be a simple, 'don't talk to me that way', which you stand by.

As for the divorce 'threat', I think a part of you actually wants it to happen, because you know he'll go along with whatever you do, unlikely that he will come running back remorseful and trying harder. Maybe he will. More likely he'll respond with anger and disdain. You know him, you know the likelihood of such a threat working to improve anything is way too slim, but you did it anyway, which says you can't live within this marriage anymore, you'll take that slim chance that it'll change things but if it doesn't, you have no choice but to live with the consequences of actually going through with a divorce, which he will help to make happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He has already told you that your marriage does not mean enough to him for him to do what is needed to live with you.

To me it sounds like he is waiting for you to file the divorce so that you can look like the bad guy.


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## Tom Tybee (Sep 5, 2013)

Others have made great insights. I can only add that your H sounds like a jerk. My wife and I have our own problems but even I would not/do not treat her like this on a daily basis. Your H is treating you very shabbily.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Star79 said:


> He is rude and a nasty person


Threats of divorce will not suddenly change a "rude & nasty person" into a (insert what you want) person.

All the red flags were there but you ignored them hoping he would change.

I am so sorry but I don't think he really loves & cares about you so best to end this short marriage.


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## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

Wow! Thanks of the replies. I am still shocked that people are telling me to get a divorce. So I guess there is no hope for us.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am one who doesn't like to recommend divorce right off the bat...but I do understand everyone'r reaction on these boards. It sounds like your husband likes to be in control and will dish out critiques, but won't be held responsible for anything or look at himself in the mirror. That is a hard wall to get past...and I sure your divorce threat stemmed from a feeling of desperation and anger. Some people will refuse to ever admit responsibility or be willing to seek some sort of compromise. "My way or the highway." 

I guess it is up to you to decided how to proceed, how much you're willing to put up with. I think what will help, as a human being worthy of being treated with respect and honor, is to DEFINE for yourself what your needs are in the context of a marriage. Reflect on them and then be honest to your husband about your needs. He will either respond to your honesty or not. If he responds, then be patient and consistent in reminding him...and rewarding him as he tries his best. If he doesn't care, then it is up to you if/when you want to pull the plug.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I dont know...the example you gave of your wedding...I think your bridesmaid was way out of line for saying that. I would be pissed at her. If your wedding was anything like mine, after the first dance I spent the night thanking guests.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I am not following your post. You were secretly married for a year, and then decided to have a formal wedding with family invited? 

Who's idea was the formal wedding? Sounds like he wanted to keep it a secret! 

It sounds like a pretty non-standard marriage from the get go. Maybe time to rethink it all?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Hope doesn’t change a person. He doesn’t want to change. He is controlling and manipulative and he shows no real concern towards you in your marriage. Your marriage is still new and as time goes he will only get more demanding since you have let him do it this way.

You have had enough and drawn up divorce papers. Either he will start to listen to your concerns and work on the issues of the marriage or you continue with the divorce. He has built a wall around himself and apparently doesn’t want or fears letting someone in. 

If he is unwilling to work towards a solution what other option do you have?


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