# It Took 5 Minutes to Dissolve 9 Years



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I signed them but I haven't cried yet. My STBX will be going in at 2:30pm. He is absolutely unfazed about all of this. I can't believe what he has done to me and to our marriage.

I don't how anyone can care so little after sharing so much.

Do you know even if he changed his mind, he has so totally destroyed the trust, the peace of mind the coziness, the closeness, I can't imagine what words would erase that.

Man I am feeling the pain today. And now I ask, what now? What do I do? There are no jobs here so I may have to move 400 miles and I don't know how I am going to pay mortgage and rent at the same time. 

Thanks all for your support.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hang in there! Many of us are following you there so we will follow your progress. I am sure that you will be stronger because of this. Going through divorce, looking for a job at the same time, I can't even imagine. We will be looking to you for encouragement on here when our time comes to sign, so now it's time for you to shine!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

brighterlight:
I am trying to hang on, not much choice at this point. H just drove the infamous bike to sign the papers. H gets more packages and presents for the bike.

One day I will look back at this and laugh my butt off because of the comedy of the last 3 months. 

But I won't laugh at the abandonment, the callousness or the flippant attitude. I don't know if I can forgive that because I don't understand it. I guess I would be really evolved if I could forgive without understanding. Who knows that may happen too.

Yes, I will be here when needed by any one.

Thank you for your good wishes.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> I don't how anyone can care so little after sharing so much.


So true, sums up precisely how I feel too, and probably most on this board.

Have faith in yourself! I'm amazed how strong we can be when we have no choice, and I'm so flabbergasted how much choice can faze us when we are not prepared to deal with it.

One thing to realize though is that every choice you've ever made, you decided to do because based on everything you knew at the time, you absolutely did what you felt was the better choice - it may not have always been the "right" one or lead to the result you wanted, but life really is only a series of instances and we can only act in those instances.

So take stock in that fact that even if it leads you to the wrong place again, be confident that you will continue to always make the best decision, and all we can do is experience it and learn along the way.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you Lon for your words of wisdom. You know what is the hardest is that I am stuck in the same house until it sells.

Aye aye


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Lon said:


> So take stock in that fact that even if it leads you to the wrong place again, be confident that you will continue to always make the best decision, and all we can do is experience it and learn along the way.


Well said Lon.

If there is anything I can take away from this ordeal it is that we are creatures capable of incredible sorrow AND joy. Going through the full range of the human emotional spectrum was a hellish journey, but I am so much stronger now. 

Secondly, never underestimated the value of true friends. After having a partner and spouse for nine years I felt like I had lost a chunk of my soul when she left. Being able to replace it one small piece at a time through friendships was hard, but honestly I am much healthier mentally and physically.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes Oak, there definitely is joy and sorrow, for several years I have felt so much sorrow that I somehow numbed myself and so never felth the moments of joy either. The one thing I am really embracing about this whole ordeal is that I'm starting to feel again - the pain hurts so deep, but those litttle moments of joy actually seem to mean something again. I am amazed how much my friends mean to me, and how kind they are to me. I am also healing very well from surgery and that has been a big boost to my energy. The hard part seems to be turning this train around and feeling more joy and less sorrow.

Sparkles, sorry you have to be stuck in the house where you seem to not want to be. My wife left the house with me (though we haven't settled the assets yet) and I optimistic about getting her clutter out of there (she was a big time shopaholic, but mostly garage sale stuff so there is a lot of junk to clear out). I think I will be stuck cleaning up her mess but I think I am fine with that, I just want it all gone. The other part is the uncertainty knowing that I can't afford it by myself so will have to find a roomate, and the idea of living with a roomate instead of my wife seems like it will be difficult. Or if I decide to sell it, its such a mess and I really don't know if I want to short sale it or to actually put in a bunch of work and expense fixing it up a bit to get it ready for sale. But I don't need to think about that right now, my focus is on other issues at the moment.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip, we have been both working to get the house staged and ready for sale. The for sale sign goes up tomorrow. In this market, no telling how long if ever it will sell. I am hoping to be out of there by mid July. I have a lot of plans and nice apartments are hard to find in the center of the city since they are rented out so fast. I've been trying to figure exactly what it is I want from my next step in life so I will lease an apt close to work for a year or two to give myself time to decide. 

I have my son's wedding in November so I am pretty sure it will be surreal. Poor kid; he didn't deserve this, neither did his fiance, but we will make it as special a day as we can. So many people hurt!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

brighterlight: My house has been on the market seriously for a year. Thank goodness I never held my breath.

I think after speaking to someone very spiritual that I will start praying for my X and asked for all the things I want for him for thirty days. She told me that is how you heal, forgiving and moving on.

So tonight, when I get home I will write it in my journal and mean it because I want to heal and move on and I am willing to do just about anything it takes for my peace of mind.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Good plan, Sparkles. Forgiveness is way more powerful than people realize. It's total soul medicine.

Do you have time/money to do something for you in the next few days? Nap in the middle of the day, new shoes, new haircut, pig out at Burger King? Beers at noon?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Geez stair, I like your attitude!

Sparkles, that is why I am getting better everyday. I am praying for all of us and for her to be happy. I have started to forgive her and am actually seeing that it took a lot of courage for her to do what she did. I know, BS on the courage but quite honestly, think about it and be candid, does it not take b**lls to put yourself out there and risk everything. OK, that's it for the credit she gets. But really, I am praying for her all the time - it really helps.


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

I know how you feel Sparkles! Although I don't own a home I am only renting an apartment. I filed my divorce paperwork on friday to which my STBXH seemed pretty content about and after almost 9 years for me as well I was pretty sad! Even though I know it's for the best and I deserve WAY BETTER than what he has ever treated me it is still hard! And now I am facing the reality of having to quit my job, pack of my stuff, 2 kids, and move across the country back to my home state because yes I am in the midwest only because of him! And that's what I am worried about now is having ti find another job so I can support my kids, pay my bills etc.. While he seems happy, the only thing he was worried about when he went to pick up his paperwork from the lawyers on monday was whether or not he was going to get "rapped" on child support because he doesn't want to be broke and living like a bum!!! WTF and he's in the military so it's not like he has to worry about not getting a paycheck!!! Sorry had to vent!

Hang in there... I know it's hard, but it helps having other people here for support.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

baseballmom:
Sorry to hear about all of your challenges. They are tough ones for sure but believe it or not, we will all get through this. It just takes (dreaded word coming up) TIME.

I have been reflecting on the years of this marriage and there is a pattern to commitment on the part of X. Round about the 10 year mark, X pulls away (I am his 3rd X). After 1st breakup, he bought a Porsche, 2nd breakup: a Toyota Spyder, me (3rd) a motorcycle. 

I have been told the way to heal is to pray for him. I know that is tough, but guess what that is what I am doing because I want to heal and move on. It is about me and my emotional well-being. So I pray for the things that I want in my life I pray for him.

Hang in there! I am no where near done but one day at a time, it will get better and it is.

I noticed recently I am starting to look at other men. NOW that is a change and when I realized what I was doing I was shocked. How could I be looking when I thought my heart was broken. Ah, human nature: a mystery.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sparkles, good for you!!!! Makes me feel like I'm not the only one on here that is happening to. I was honestly starting to feel guilty, the last week or so I've been catching myself looking at other woman and thinking about how I miss the company, and I don't mean just physical, I mean just having a decent nice conversation, or simple as watching a movie. So I kept telling myself, what are you doing? I guess it is human nature.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Sparkles itis good to know that you have found something practical to do which is a spiritual way of healing yourself. I am sure the tears will flow though, and this is part of the process isn't it?

Hope your home sells soon.....In the meantime you can still dosome research on the jobs market in the area you are moving to, properties etc. Know youcan't apply yet, but it is a way lof looking forward and planning for a new life.

Take care and keep posting.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

reindeer:
You are so right and I have done some research but indeed the house must sell. We lowered the price and we have prospects coming this am.
It is too bad because I live 5 minutes from ocean as the bird flies and this other area is landlocked. It is more than 50 miles from ocean either way. I have lived by the ocean all of my life. 

Change is tough.

Again, thanks for all of your good wishes. Now the challenges that are a continual fact of life.....


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Sparkles I'm sorry you have to lose the home you love. Very hard. I just refinanced mine, but Im not sure I want to stay....too many memories and it feels oh so empty.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

womanscorned: No I will be very happy to sell this white elephant. It has felt like a prison since I moved into it back 2006. Never liked it, too isolated. My X was born on a farm and I was born in NYC. I want people and neighbors and I am going to get that with the proceeds of this monster place. He loved it not me.

I think I will stay in this area. I have gotten to know a few women and I am starting to have a new life, slowly but surely I am building it.

This was another decent day for me. That is 3 days in a row. Wow! I am moving on. YAHOO!! But I had to go through the fire of pain to get here. I can see my X hasn't (we are stuck in this same house til it sells), all he is doing is buying chrome crap for the new woman in his life: the motorcycle. His hole is bigger than mine and he isn't filling it but with junk that eventually is meaningless. But that is his burden and no longer my problem. I will pray for him because this helps me to find closure.

Good Luck to All of Us!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

wtf, I check out dudes all the time. Men are nice to look at!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

staircase: You're right I did. I was thinking about it I definitely gave quick scans but it really didn't register.

Now, it does. I am definitely looking but I haven't seen anything yet. I can't believe 3 days ago I was heartbroken but when I asked him how he was feeling after signing the papers and he was la di da no big deal, my heart sealed up. That was the moment when I thought how did I ever even like this dried old prune. He doesn't even have normal feelings. And now I am grateful to him for being such an ass because it helped along with the healing process.

Tell you what, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes when he wakes and sees that motorcycle doesn't really respond and he is 65 and alone. No way in hell.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Good for you, Sparkles! Go girl! I'm actually feeling sorry for my ex because he doesn't get how to take care of himself and is trying to relive his 20s through an affair with a 21 year old. He's not moving forward....and I am. We're pretty amazing, aren't we?  Yay for our side!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

womanscorned: I don't know how you handled the younger woman thing but I will tell you this; it looks to be an easy thing to seduce younger people they're so gullible. Not my cup of tea. Yes I want firm but I, also, want experience and that is not going to happen with someone so young. Anyway, they look like children and are. Yuck!

We are living in the same house (yikes) but there is virtually no communication (not me), closed doors and X is always here either on cell (with sister or maybe EA) or computer. Yes, I am on computer but I also am out most of the day.

I'll tell you this: Emotional affairs are every bit as hurtful as physical. Betrayal and lies. But my X had it with an old high school chum from Facebook and then met her "once" on his last bike vacation. I can imagine his feelings when he met the 65 yr old grandmother. This was the person of his little sweaty dreams and too hot to hold texting. He even heard me calling my little dog and raised his voice (so I could hear) called her Honeybun. Come on, man. Now all seems quiet. He used to live with the cell ear buds in. That has stopped. The constant texting has stopped and the cell has levelled off. 

You know, we all had our dream pop but I still ponder that my X agreed to divorce for the flimsy reason that he didn't know how to handle anger and venting. I never yelled at him, we hardly fought but he can handle only happy. Talk about living in a dream. X will never be there for the whole emotional gambit that we human beings are made of.

I felt I had no alternative but divorce, he didn't want MC (that doesn't work with just one), offers of my buying a bike (yeah right), trying to discuss...no he just kept running away. He no longer wanted responsibility and he is 65. Scratch my head!

His loss, my loss. Oh well, this was meant to be.


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