# I think it is over !?



## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

Hi, wife separated after 8 years of marriage. She told me since a year ago she seriously considered divorce but because she did not have a full time job she waited....during this time she attended gym religiously and lost lots of weight and now look like barbie...
we have a 6 yr old daughter who spends 60% with her. Before separation she told me she is done with 99% of our marriage and she only gives 1% chance for reconcile. She also said during separation/having her time and space she will find out about it.

She sold our house and right away bought her townhouse and started her new life as single mother. she has a full time job with good income. she started to hang out with other divorced women and threw parties and seemed she is having fun and getting used to her new life style. she also changed the whole format of her facebook and no evidence of her past life/marriage. New haircut, new home, new person, new attitude,etc...and she got lots of comments how pretty she looks like and tones of attentions from her friends women and men...
After 4 weeks when I called her and asked about how things going and any updates about her feeling , here was her answer:
I am enjoying my new life and very happy. I never thought about you or miss you. Now I know I wasted 8 years of my life with you, if I knew i could be this much happier I would have done this move 8 years ago !
I am done with our marriage and it is over !
I moved on ! and you better move on and enjoy your new life and time with your daughter .
I called her older sister who divorced her husband afew months before our problem started, and asked her to talk to her sister to take it easy,but the sister reaction was: You better move on !
because she is not gonna come back !

Finally a few days later I called my ex/wife and asked to see her in person in a coffee shop.
In the coffee shop I told her:
As you know I love you and I believe if this is a real love, I would respect your decision and I let you go.
Then she said we better change the date of our separation to a year ago and that way we can get our divorce right away without wasting another year. Also asked me what would be my reaction if I see her with another man on the street?
My reply was:
I am happy to see you happy even without me or with other man. But regarding changing the date on the separation papers I refused and told her we keep it as is meaning in 11 months we can apply for divorce.
Any idea , how I should deal with her/situation/now and in future,etc....
Any hope at all for her in case changing her mind?maybe she needs more than one month for time and space,etc....

Thanks a lot!
Kevin


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

Thanks I agree with you too.


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## heathermelissa3 (May 29, 2015)

Hi,

I hope these links help. They are my answers to your question:

https://analyticalperspective.wordpress.com/2013/09/11/marriage-vs-commitment/

https://analyticalperspective.wordpress.com/2013/12/05/parental-alienation-syndrome/

Heather


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

Thanks , I will go through those links.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

hammerman, I'm sorry to say all the information you've posted says she's not coming back. Even if her new guy (I do believe there's a guy in the picture) drops her, she's still not coming back to you. She really likes her new life. I know it's not easy, but you've got to detach and move on. Hit the gym, improve yourself, get into some hobbies....


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Yeah, it's definitely over. Now it's stime for you to start creating your new awesome life! ;-)


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

She's already got another man. Probably had several.

She is what we call a Walkaway Wife. 

You need to move on. She has. 

Pick yourself up, get to the gym, be a great dad and start working on your self esteem.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tron said:


> *She's already got another man. Probably had several.
> 
> She is what we call a Walkaway Wife. *
> 
> ...


Agreed, and it probably started well before she left you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

That's my ex right there.

Let her go. Focus on yourself. Live well.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

No it wasn't - not even when the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor! :smile2:

OP, did she say why she felt this way even a year before actually leaving ? What went wrong ?

It certainly sounds like she is not coming back - however, depending on why she left, she may find that in time the grass is not greener on the single side or she may not find someone she likes and rethink her decision. So why did she say she left ?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Also how did she manage to sell your house and buy one for herself without your permission ? Or did you let her do it ? Does she earn as much as you or have you ended up funding her party house ?


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

manfromlamancha, Thanks for your concern and I think it is not fair without giving a little background about our/her issues. 
Yes a year ago I felt something doesn't make sense like she casually wearing her ring and lately not wearing at all. I didn't care honestly because we had our regular home parties or going to friends/out as a family,taking family photos, Christmas, new year,etc ....and sex life was ok too but not really romantic way, but was there...
maybe I was living in my own bubble of ok family life !! maybe that time was the time to ask for help, friends, counselling,etc...
However when a year after she officially announced her decision, then I asked about the reasons:

I am a selfish/irresponsible person 
She told me the peak was a year ago ( in her heart she was divorced ) when she started a new job and a few months later she hated one of her bosses at her workplace and she didn't like to work there any more because she was stressed out ,etc.
I told her since finding another job with good wage and benefits is not easy in this town, you better keep this job for now and in the mean time apply for other jobs. That time ( a year ago ) she didn't seem to buy that advice neither arguing with. So she kept the job and eventually she got a better pay job. I asked her so what now? what did I do wrong that time? She said, you should have helped me that time by asking me to quit that company, and you should have taken another part time job beside your full time job and support your wife/family...but you didn't !
I told her I think you have a very poor communication skill ! I thought you were ok that time and now telling me you got hurt and did not forget?!
and from day one she seemed to have a very poor communication with me, if she was not happy with something she should have been more direct ! than sucking in and piling all her miseries inside !

Regarding selling our house, yes ofcourse I was not happy with her decision for selling the house, even I asked her let me move out for a while and you stay here, I pay the mortgage ( as usual ),but she said she does not have any good memories with this house !!! we must sell this house ...so I had no choice except to be cooperative with her and sign the papers...house sold in one month and she got her half and right away she bought her place. I decided to rent a temporary/pay as you go place for the time being and hopefully she changes her mind and then my half will go to our new life again...(how naive I was ) !!!!

As far as having a boy friend on the side I have no proof ( it was my guess tho ) and I asked her couple of times and she said there is no body ! so I stopped asking her .
For me it sounds after a month of separation , she kind of knows what she wants....but you are right as far as neighbor grass goes ...
she needs more time and experience to have a single life,dating, etc...
I am older than her and I have been dating single mom before my marriage, and it took almost 2 years and finally ended up with big argument regarding her son's attitude....so time/age and experience wise me and my ex/wife are not on the same plate...
right now she enjoys her single life + freedom etc...but most probably down the road she changes her mind ...but the thing is maybe a year or 2 after today , I may moved on fully in my new life met a woman, etc etc.....because I am gradually thinking of dating again...

So fixing this mess right now is 100% impossible, she is not open to any communication, counselling etc...at all. 
it is about a week that I am back to gym and running, called friends for beer etc...and I have zero contact with her except if she texts me regarding kid issues such as time to pick her up,etc,etc...
I did my best to reconcile and now I gave up! It is out of my control at this stage. Sometimes I think honestly if it was not because of my daughter I would not even bother asking her for reconcile. I have my own belief and if she was cooperative, I would have given up with my pride just because of my daughter and change myself the way her mom wanted. If there was no kid involved I would not even post this thread! there are tones of fishes out there, not end of the life !

I hate to see my beautiful little daughter live in a family with a stranger at least for another 13 years....but her mom she does not care!
so I never ever asked her mom to reconcile because of the kid, because then her reply is : don't use our kid as a tool !!!!

I am done with her !
She wanna learn the hard way...thats her choice ! the outcome??? not good for her and my daughter future !
dating nowadays is a dirty business specially single moms are easy targets....but ....they don't listen at all !
no more chance!!!! 
There was a time before her separation she told me: if during my separation I decide to date , I prefer to date first YOU who are the father of my child ( and I thought, o well there is a chance, so I am going to change myself , being a better person , prove her in the mean time,etc etc and I can wait till....)!!!! 
4 weeks later in her separation : there is no such a thing ! she totally changed her words and told me :
she "changed" and she is "done with me forever" !!
seems like she does not want to go back to me/same face, because either bad or good/risk she just wanna move on and forget about her past life/marriage for good !

I hope this explanation helped .


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hammerman said:


> manfromlamancha, Thanks for your concern and I think it is not fair without giving a little background about our/her issues.
> Yes a year ago I felt something doesn't make sense like she casually wearing her ring and lately not wearing at all. I didn't care honestly because we had our regular home parties or going to friends/out as a family,taking family photos, Christmas, new year,etc ....and sex life was ok too but not really romantic way, but was there...
> maybe I was living in my own bubble of ok family life !! maybe that time was the time to ask for help, friends, counselling,etc...
> However when a year after she officially announced her decision, then I asked about the reasons:
> ...


:slap:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Wow. You should have encouraged her to quit the job she hated and taken a second job to support her?

Life somtimes sucks. You gotta do stuff you dont like.

Sounds like an entitled, selfish person.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Thanks for the reply. In my opinion, she seems like a selfish, entitled and deceitful person. More importantly, you made her getting what she wants to the detriment of your family too easy for her.

She wanted to wait till she got more income before making her move. She tried to guilt you into thinking this is all your fault. Very deceitful.

She may or may not learn the hard way that she made a mistake but I guess its all for the best - who wants to stay married to such a person and it sounds like she has been this person all along - so no loss to you - in fact she did you a favour. She will become somebody else's problem.

And your marriage would eventually have become miserable if she had stayed since she would resent you, probably cheat on you (as she has almost certainly done) and all of this would affect your daughter even more adversely. Better she lives with two separated parents rather than two parents who come to hate each other.

Take care.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Cut her loose and go through with the divorce ASAP.

She never wanted to stay single...she is on the prowl and is seeing another man.

Talk to a lawyer...protect yourself financially...and stop having conversations with her other than business and scheduling visits with daughter.

Repeat this mantra: I want nothing from her, I want nothing from her....

By the way, stay away from dating until you get some serious counseling for codependency. You married yourself a wild one and you have been chasing after her this whole time. If you don't figure this out, you will end up finding someone just like her who will ruin your life all over again.


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

Thanks for the advice and I am done with her !
Its amazing how time cures everything.....
It took me a while to open my eyes and figure things out and realize time to "MOVE ON" !
Accept the reality !! We live in a Jungle !! and ZERO CONTACT !


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

sargon said:


> It's been less than 24 hours since you posted that you want her back.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyway, if you're truly done, then why not sign off on the separation papers and get it over with? Maybe tell her you'll agree to the date change if she gives you something in return, say a chunk of the marital assets or something else you want that you aren't getting.


====================================================================
Good point. My friend we lived together for 8 years, trust me we have tones of good memories together, she had always big smiles on her face, yes our life had some tiny miny issues but at the end of the day she was /seemed happy(or maybe she was a really good actress in past years?! ) 
I who saw his wife wearing her ring, has values for marriage, very mature person, etc etc but she changed big time a year ago.....
the spark for our divorce was 1 year ago and I did not catch it on time ! 
so what I mean it is very hard to forget about all those good memories....the time when we had our baby, birthdays, xmasses, new years, etc etc ...... me and her we are not on the same plate since a year ago. So what I mean it is very hard just to forget, delete/format this hard drive, I wish I could plus we have a young kid too. Divorce effects many people around and it is a tragedy which its damage lasts forever....
I am basically against divorce unless the guys is an abusive, addicted, bum...but 2 weeks ago after we met in person and told her because I truly love you I let you go ( but it did not mean inside I was really done with her ....) yes she was done with me a year ago tho. I know that,but its just me....so I refused changing the date on those papers and that way kept the file open for another year...who knows maybe she changes her mind...I did that just for the sake of my daughter mostly honestly, and save this marriage. so I am not here to learn tricks how to bring back my wife during separation....but based on communication I had with her, and realizing my false hope and comments of people here and other friends in real life....yes just in a few days I came with the idea of : It is over !!!!!
Time for me to move on and open new chapter in my life. Changing the date also is in my schedule and gonna happen very soon. 
Writing this, yes still i have feelings for her..because I was caught off guard and was living in my own bubble...BUT I have to accept the reality and begin my new single life again, back to 8 years ago start from scratch. And honestly I am very very mad of what she did to our life, she was a person who wore a happy mask for years ( a traitor inside ) and finally viciously demolished our family! 
I tried everything to convince her to change her mind ,begging, crying, counselling, promising, friends, etc did not work...she wanted separation ! got separated, now she enjoys it. Do I enjoy? not at all !!!! but this is what it is, I have to be strong and move on...finally again yes in past days I came with the idea of zero contact and accepting the divorce !!
so I think it is a good start for me and I will follow this policy till finalizing the divorce. What happens to her love life in future although I am curious today but again i have to accept we are going to two different directions and she is not mine anymore....it sucks but, me as a victim like other victims have no choice other than moving on in our life because of somebody's else stupid decision ....
so because it is not easy task, people advice me to join a gym, find a hobby, etc to build up my confidence and distract myself and gradually moving on in my life....


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

heathermelissa3 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I hope these links help. They are my answers to your question:
> 
> ...


Heather, I opened your links and read and read and I did not understand anything !!!!
What are you trying to tell me , just in a simple language please!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Well done and good for you!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> No it wasn't - not even when the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor! :smile2:


Whoosh!


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

Just an update:
Yesterday when it was my "turn" to "ping pong" our poor daughter, I shaved dressed to kill (l0l) and because it was raining very quickly without any hi or anything just like a delivery guy, got my daughter and left the spot !!!!!
This morning she texted me about summer course costs about our daughter and then she ended up saying how rude i was to ignore her and just picked up my daughter and left !!!!!!! and she continued anytime I pick my daughter up ( my turn of yo yo game with the daughter) , she ( ex) cries !!!!!! she is right, always she seems very upset ....( let her suffer...)
I told her in my heart YOU are the cause of all theses pains and destroying our family.
--------------------------------- LIVE with it for a loooooong time ! ---------------------------------------------
but in real life answered :trust me I have the same feeling. what can I do??
and end of texting for today of my day one taking care of my daughter for another 4 days....

Guys, this is the consequence of separation/divorce.....Thanks to the whole public, media, Hollywood, separated/divorced men and women, etc which encourage people to ruin their life because : It is " very normal" to be a single dad and mom....50/50 chance!!! so do NOT worry you are not alone !!!! wonder about those people who are still married and together !!!!!
what a shame !!!!!!


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

sargon said:


> You really need to stop having these types of conversations with her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No body told her anything ( it was in my thought )

Stages of any marriages:
Stage One: The Honeymoon Phase
Stage Two: When Realism and Disillusionment Begin to Set In
Stage Three: The Constant Argument Stage
Stage Four: Working Towards Improvement in the Marriage
Stage Five: When Things Get Good Again

People have no patience to reach stage five !!!! because of as you mentioned easy laws and as I said there is no good role model in society and yes hollywood, public, me and you made it easier to "move on" and screw lives.
Do you think their 2nd marriage is better? absolutely not !
btw are you yourself married? divorced? single? have any kids?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Keep looking good and improving yourself.

Always keep it minimal with your ex.

She still wants to use you for emotional support.

You should have told her you would laugh if you saw her with another man because you know what he is getting is not worth it.

She still wants you as a safety net.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many women marry a man who duplicates her father, because she's not fully grown up yet and still wants the 'protection' of a father figure. Meantime, she's maturing and learning what she really wants out of life. By the time she's 30 or 40, she doesn't "need" a husband so she starts to focus on what she wanted out of life; which isn't always him. That's why I always tell people to never marry before 25 at the youngest, 30 if possible, so you both KNOW what you want.

And if for some strange reason you still want her back, keep dressing up, smell good, look good, always have some place to go to when you drop off your daughter...make her WONDER what you're doing with your life. Half of the reason she left you was for the ego boost she gets from knowing you're sitting at home crying about her. As soon as that part is gone, her new fantasy life may start to look not quite so good.


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## sargon (May 7, 2015)

hammerman said:


> Do you think their 2nd marriage is better? absolutely not !
> btw are you yourself married? divorced? single? have any kids?


I'm divorced with two grown kids, in a relationship with a woman for 3 years now, and I won't get married again.


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Keep looking good and improving yourself.
> 
> Always keep it minimal with your ex.
> 
> ...


Thank you! you are the man! you know exactly what i am going through.
you understand me! 
when she texted me the other day, lets be friends for the sake of our daughter!
I told her: there is absolutely no friendship between me and you! 
friendship has a meaning that you don't belong to that definition!
between me and you there is only a daughter left which just legally we are obliged and responsible to share her and her costs,etc
for coming years. so I go with my schedule for her pick up and pay your child support on time. Thats it! 
I am done ! done! done!


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> Many women marry a man who duplicates her father, because she's not fully grown up yet and still wants the 'protection' of a father figure. Meantime, she's maturing and learning what she really wants out of life. By the time she's 30 or 40, she doesn't "need" a husband so she starts to focus on what she wanted out of life; which isn't always him. That's why I always tell people to never marry before 25 at the youngest, 30 if possible, so you both KNOW what you want.
> 
> And if for some strange reason you still want her back, keep dressing up, smell good, look good, always have some place to go to when you drop off your daughter...make her WONDER what you're doing with your life. Half of the reason she left you was for the ego boost she gets from knowing you're sitting at home crying about her. As soon as that part is gone, her new fantasy life may start to look not quite so good.


Thank you!! Thats my EX and ME right there !!!!

I follow your instructions. But I do that not because to make her to be attracted to me !! no, just to piss her off !!!! just to prove that i can live without her ! just to tell her you are a loser!!! who lost me !!! drop off or pick up time is the best time and opportunity in my life.
Thanks again!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

hammerman said:


> Thank you! you are the man! you know exactly what i am going through.
> you understand me!
> when she texted me the other day, lets be friends for the sake of our daughter!
> I told her: there is absolutely no friendship between me and you!
> ...


Having a polite and cordial relationship with the mother of your child is a good thing. Just like you would treat a random stranger you met on an elevator. 

Just consider it one of those friendships that you don't think about, talk to much, or send christmas cards to. 

More like someone that you don't wish well....but don't wish any particular harm...

Indifference. She has earned that -give it to her. With a smile


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Having a polite and cordial relationship with the mother of your child is a good thing. Just like you would treat a random stranger you met on an elevator.
> 
> Just consider it one of those friendships that you don't think about, talk to much, or send christmas cards to.
> 
> ...


No sorry. I have more respect to an stranger on the elevator than my ex.
She ruined my dream life and our daughter's life! 
I had enough of her in past 7 months!
she labeled me as a "weak" person when i was fighting for my marriage!
Sorry but No! There is absolutely no friendship with my enemy!
Enemy who at the end of our marriage yelling at me: get your **** together !!! we are separating !!!
Hell no! I do NOT care if she is the mother of my daughter! She broke my heart and no forgiveness !
For me that monthly child support goes to a nurse/servant who takes care of my daughter and I pay for her monthly service!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Here's a tough question for you (or maybe not):

Do you want your daughter to be proud of (and think highly of) her mother growing up?


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> Here's a tough question for you (or maybe not):
> 
> Do you want your daughter to be proud of (and think highly of) her mother growing up?


Your answer is YES !! by all means !! she must be proud of her mother !!
and I guess I should wait for your next question !?
shoot, I am ready for that . lol


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Hm, 

You are responsible for raising your duaghetr to the best of your ability. It is not your responsibility to lie or hide the truth form your daughter. 

At some point she will be an adult. At that timne you can have an adult conversation if she asks but until then stick to the facts and give her a story she can understand based on her age and maturity level. You don't have to condone or approve of your STBXW behavior becaue it is disgusting. Just tailor your message abit based on what she will be able to understand. 

Besaides you've got better things to do with your life than worry about the Ex. That's why they are Ex's. You simply come to a point of indifference to her and her life since it has no bearing on yours any longer. 

The anger your feeling toward your STBX is normal and you should use it to move forward but eventually it will become a wast of energy to hold onto it. It's exhausting hating someone. It's like drinking poison and then expecting the other person to die.


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

Vorlon said:


> Hm,
> 
> You are responsible for raising your duaghetr to the best of your ability. It is not your responsibility to lie or hide the truth form your daughter.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much. Appreciated it.
I know time heals...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

hammerman said:


> Your answer is YES !! by all means !! she must be proud of her mother !!
> and I guess I should wait for your next question !?
> shoot, I am ready for that . lol


Well you know what is next - you need to treat her with civility and not hate for the sake of your daughter. That said, as others are telling you, you don't need to lie to her should the issue ever come up and it will come up. You just don't need to hang onto hate - heal yourself by moving on, being better and indifferent (but civil) to your wife.

Hopefully this will eventually show your wife how to be a better person too.


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> Well you know what is next - you need to treat her with civility and not hate for the sake of your daughter. That said, as others are telling you, you don't need to lie to her should the issue ever come up and it will come up. You just don't need to hang onto hate - heal yourself by moving on, being better and indifferent (but civil) to your wife.
> 
> Hopefully this will eventually show your wife how to be a better person too.


Thanks for your advice. For sure it is civil and will be!
btw this is not about hate at all, I wish it was !!!
It is about love ! and I know people telling me if you really love her, respect her decision and let her go !
yes easy to say but I am working on it !
But in the meantime, I work on my self esteem and confidence! and those do not necessarily mean to be rude and show attitude!
but sure I respect her as a human and mother of my child ! I am trying to forget the past and accept the reality that although I consider myself as "victim" of this disastrous relationship, i have to move on asap. I did my best to reconcile,but she does not want to give another chance even as casual simple dating....Nope!


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## hammerman (May 29, 2015)

Personal said:


> It doesn't matter if you really love her.
> 
> What matters is she has proven that *she doesn't love you*, that's why you have to let her go.


Very Good Point !
Thats sad but true!!
thats it, it is divorce 100%.
Thanks !


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