# Husband Texting Daughter's Friend



## VexingViolet

Background: My husband is obsessed with his daughter's soccer team. While I understand and encourage his going to some games, I don't approve his going to every game. They take place every weekend and five hours away from home. She is attending college. He also travels to the away games. There is no time left in his life for any other endeavors or our life together. I have gone to some games with him, but when I want to do something else or spend time in our home, he leaves anyway. He is also going to his daughter's friends games at other universities. Those friends are 18 and 19 year olds whom my husband has known for three years. Recently these girls have begun texting my husband. One attends school five minutes away from our home. When I first met this woman at the end of one of the games, she and my husband hugged each other tightly and did this little up and down dance which left me speechless because he basically vigorously rubbed her breasts with his chest. He then introduced me by name and not as his wife. Last week my husband said he was meeting this woman at 930 pm because he had tickets for her father to a game. He did not ask me to go. The next day he went to an away game and stayed overnight. I found out that he exchanged texts with this woman for two hours while in his hotel room. He never even called me. To be fair the texts are innocent enough and all about soccer - his obsession. I just feel very uncomfortable. Given my husband's behavior the time I first met her. I don't think it's appropriate for him to exchange texts with his daughter's friend or meet her at night. Why doesn't he do that with her parents? Am I overreacting?


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## PeaceTrain

VexingViolet said:


> Am I overreacting?


You are not overreacting. Just clearly tell him it is bothering you a great deal and he needs to stop that. He needs to accomodate some of your priority too. I see some red flag with 19/20 years hugging him. Don't let it continue. World is a strange place and people are complex creatures.


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## Trying2figureitout

No budding EA/PA stop it.


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## that_girl

He's wanting to sleep with her and she's too naive to know what she's getting into. Or maybe she knows exactly what she's doing. Gross.

But yea...it's totally inappropriate. Nip this. If that was my dad with my friend, I'd be mortified. Gross.


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## ladybird

that_girl said:


> He's wanting to sleep with her and she's too naive to know what she's getting into. Or maybe she knows exactly what she's doing. Gross.
> 
> But yea...it's totally inappropriate. Nip this. If that was my dad with my friend, I'd be mortified. Gross.


:iagree:. I think the girl knows exactly what she is doing. You need to nip this thing in the bud now, it is totally inappropriate!


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## wiigirl

that_girl said:


> He's wanting to sleep with her and she's too naive to know what she's getting into. Or maybe she knows exactly what she's doing. Gross.
> 
> But yea...it's totally inappropriate. Nip this. If that was my dad with my friend, I'd be mortified. Gross.


Nip this...now. This will end badly.


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## tom67

wiigirl said:


> Nip this...now. This will end badly.


Yea this is at very least inappropiate put the hammer down imo.


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## Needpeace

Eeewww.......sort of gave me a sickly feeling, I reeaally agree with all above comments.

It's just wrong on so many levels.


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## CanadianGuy

Creepy. 

One can only hope that the bad ass dad of one of these young women does not find out before it's to late.


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## Pault

OH dear. Coming from a country where soccer is a mainstay sport I understand the "fan" mentallity and theat of the supportive parent. But this appears to be stepping over that line even in a soccer fanatics environment.

This "obsession" is akin to some dirty old man watching school girls in hockey games. If he was taking you and sthe games attended AND the games were soley those involving your daughter then ok I could go for that as understandable. Parents do get highly involved in the game when their children are achieving high standards and are likely be accepted by a professional club, this does nto appear to be anywhere in that frame. and as CanadianGuy suggests - maybe some other guys whose daughter us playing here may NOT like the style of attention being shown..
Being away, even overnight demands that the away partner contacts home and provides affirmation of love and trust. Texting young ladies who may or may not know what is transpiring is bang out of order. He a husband and a girls Dad and MUST act that way, no way is this acceptable. These is a clear disrespect for you in the explaination youve given. 
I think its time for "sit down, pin back your ears and listen" converstion due and you are entitled to be straight and blunt about it.

I just hope it works out happily for you.


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## ScarletBegonias

this is so wrong.Apparently he likes them barely legal.

These girls aren't stupid,they know exactly what they're doing and probably like the attention.
This needs to be stopped NOW.There is no reason for a grown and married man to be texting a young college girl unless the girl is his daughter.


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## gbrad

I was going to be creeped out until I read that the girls were in college. Atleast they are of age, that makes it better. What I don't really understand, is his obsession with soccer? That is baffling.


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## daisygirl 41

This has got to be a joke right?
I'm sorry but this so wrong on so many levels!
'Man' up and put a stop to it now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41

gbrad said:


> I was going to be creeped out until I read that the girls were in college. Atleast they are of age, that makes it better. What I don't really understand, is his obsession with soccer? That is baffling.


It's not the soccer he's obsessed with!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy

gbrad said:


> I was going to be creeped out until I read that the girls were in college. Atleast they are of age, that makes it better. What I don't really understand, is his obsession with soccer? That is baffling.


Um...he's not obsessed with soccer. He's obsessed with the girls. He's going down a very dark road that can only end badly.

Can you get the daughter to talk to him and tell him it's just creepy and she wants it to stop? Maybe she doesn't "see it"?


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## TCSRedhead

This is very American Beauty-ish. His behavior is inappropriate. Time to have a conversation.


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## ScarletBegonias

TCSRedhead said:


> This is very American Beauty-ish. His behavior is inappropriate. Time to have a conversation.


LOL i thought the exact same thing.

side note...love that movie except for that part of the story.it grossed me out to no end.


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## anotherguy

It's a bit creepy.

When I was in highschool my dad had a crush on my GF. That was creepy too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

My dad would probably kick his ass (if he was alive and I was 18 lol). This man has probably seen this girl/woman in her jammies if there ever was sleep over when they were younger, etc. GROSS! God knows what he was thinking then..


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## 45188

Generally when men have an affair they go for younger women. As soon as she opens that sex door, don't be naive.. He'd take it. After all, cheaters are only remorseful if they're caught. Until then, it's just an aching guilt.


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## that_girl

Sometimes they don't even have guilt. They feel entitled in their effed up bubble of "logic".


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## anotherguy

ladies - lets keep it in perspective here before going off on a 'cheaters' rant, perhaps?


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## Cosmos

> When I first met this woman at the end of one of the games, she and my husband hugged each other tightly and did this little up and down dance which left me speechless because he basically vigorously rubbed her breasts with his chest.


There are boundaries when interacting with members of the opposite sex, and your H overstepped a few of them:-

_Any kind of physical touch that lasts for more than three seconds._
_
Any kind of physical touch besides a handshake, pat on the back, or a brief hug (again, no longer than three seconds)._

_Full-frontal hugs. This is when the bodies are completely touching, and not just an upper body hug._

Being alone socially with the other person. There are times when a job might require two people to be alone. In these times, people should work together as professionals and not friends. There are times when a job might require more than the three second rule (i.e. athletic trainers, professional ballroom dancers, etc.). In these cases, professionalism and not engaging in any other outside of work interactions are of the utmost importance.

_Secret conversations (by phone, internet, etc.) with the other person. This includes facebook and other social networking sites._

Secret get togethers. It doesn’t matter if it is “just lunch” or “just coffee.”

Ultimately, you should ask yourself, “Would my spouse be comfortable if he/she saw what I was doing with this other person right now?”

(source: Appropriate Boundaries with Members of the Opposite Sex)


No, I don't think you're over-reacting, and the texting needs to stop.


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## gbrad

daisygirl 41 said:


> It's not the soccer he's obsessed with!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well obviously he likes both. But the soccer comment I made was meant as a joke.


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## gbrad

I don't understand what is gross about this. They aren't under age, they are in college. While it may be wrong, that is not the same thing as gross.


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## Maricha75

gbrad said:


> I don't understand what is gross about this. They aren't under age, they are in college. While it may be wrong, that is not the same thing as gross.


She is his DAUGHTER'S friend. It is gross because it makes him look like a dirty old man. That's how I would have felt when I was in college, had my dad behaved in that manner. It's disgusting. He is MARRIED and the behavior is unconscionable.


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## that_girl

So wait, it's not cheating?

he's texting her...he's hanging out around her...

Funny how if this was a woman all up on a man, she'd be a cheater.


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## Entropy3000

OP posted exactly one post thus far.

Yes if a married woman did this it would be all sorts of wrong.

But it is also all sorts of wrong for the husband to do this as well.

Age? Idunno I can get past this just being wrong no matter the age. BUT indeed he is using his "status" to be inappropriate with this very young woman.


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## Entropy3000

that_girl said:


> So wait, it's not cheating?
> 
> he's texting her...he's hanging out around her...
> 
> Funny how if this was a woman all up on a man, she'd be a cheater.


Close enough to cheating for me.


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## that_girl

If it wasn't his daughter's friend that he's known for 5 years ( think I read that?) then that would be different.

But he's still marriage...so either way, this story is no good.


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## Cosmos

Maricha75 said:


> She is his DAUGHTER'S friend. It is gross because it makes him look like a dirty old man. That's how I would have felt when I was in college, had my dad behaved in that manner. It's disgusting. He is MARRIED and the behavior is unconscionable.


:iagree:


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## Maricha75

gbrad said:


> What if it was not his daughters friend. What if it was some other random 20 year old?
> I get that the behavior overall is viewed as wrong since he is married. But I don't see how it is any worse because of her age. I guess depending on his age. I am picturing someone early 40's. I don't think of that as a dirty old man.


*Sigh* 
Gbrad,
Being almost 40 myself, of COURSE I don't view someone who is roughly 46 years old (the age my dad was when I was 20) as an old man. My point is that people who see the OP's husband all over a young woman of that age could EASILY view the man that way. 

No matter the age of the woman, it's wrong to behave in such a manner when married. The fact that the girl is young enough to be his daughter makes it revolting, IMO. If my 63 year old dad were to behave like that NOW toward a woman my age, I would be equally disgusted. But that's JMO.


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## Cosmos

The salient point is that the girl is his _teenage daughter's school friend_, and that is the ick factor.

We were told in the OP that the girls were _18 to 19 years of age,_ and adding a year to her age doesn't make it any more acceptable.


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## forevermemorable

You are not overreacting! Your husband is looking at other women sexually. Your husband has been trying to seduce his daughter's friends. I don't think he has been successful at all yet, from what you have posted, but he is trying...he is trying really hard...I guarantee you 1000%. Your husband only cares about one thing...sex with these young "naive" girls. Yes, I did say naive, because at 18/19/20...these girls are naive. A lot of women go after the older "mature" men, but its not love...just hormones and lust.

The whole texting/sexting thing is one step closer to having an affair. If you call your husband on this, he will deny it to the core. There is no way he will admit to it. He will say that you are overreacting or maybe he will take the angry approach. Often times when men are confronted with their sins, they get angry and vulgar at their poor innocent wife. And then the table is turned on her, to think that maybe she should have not brought the topic up and she feels as though she is the one who is conjuring up these thoughts. WRONG! The husband is very well flirting and trying to get into these girls any which way he can. He will pretend he is the charmer, the nice dad, and probably throws money and meals their way. Your husband is NOT to be trusted. On some rare occasion, your husband may actually own up to his wicked ways...but I don't see your husband being that type...he is in the mist of many years of trying to plan out his move. And now that these girls are of legal age, he will do everything he can think of to get with these girls.

My heart breaks for you, because you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You probably feel really small and ugly inside. Your husband probably doesn't tell you that you look beautiful to him, nor does he look at you with sexual thought. I would venture to say that your sex life has diminished greatly as he has pursued this lustful passion of his. In fact, he is probably caught up in pornography. If you did a search in the history on his computer (if you can), you would probably see soccer web sites and pictures of soccer players. He may even keep a computer folder with soccer players therein.

I don't want to just write and call it for what it is. I really want you to be aware of what is happening and most of those in this thread know what is happen as well. Some will not be bold and say it and that is fine. I like to call it for what it is...no BS. This is real life and you are going through it and are looking for answers.

Approach #1 - Come clean with your husband and tell him his behavior is inappropriate, uncalled for, and not right. You guys need to communicate with each other and find out where the marriage is failing.

Approach #2 - Go to marriage counseling. The marriage counselor will be able to see your husband for who he is and expose him. Don't tell your husband about what you have notice beforehand.

Approach #3 - Talk with these girl's parents about your husband's actions. Of course, that opens up a whole new can of worms, which I don't think you are ready for.

Approach #4 - Play submissive blinded wife, who pretends that nothing is really happen and live in a magical world of make-belief. These are probably the easiest way for you to look at it, but it won't solve the issue and its only going to get worse.

I advise you to go with approach #1. Communication is the key and without, you really don't have a marriage now do you. His actions need to be brought to light and you need to be bold in your approach. You can do it.


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## sinnister

I am huge into my 6 year old daughters soccer. She's strong and athletic like daddy and it gives me a sense of immense pride in seeing her out on that feild being dominant at times.

But I wouldnt watch any of her friends play? Not at 6 or 18.

Something is wrong here.


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## Airbus

Texting a 19 year old for hours in his hotel room? What a pig. Shove the cell phone up his arse.


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## galian84

This is your daughter's friend we're talking about...very gross! You need to ask him to stop immediately. I didn't see this in the thread (was skimming), but does your daughter know about this?

If my dad was doing this to one of my friends...I'd never bring her around him again. Nor would I talk about her to him. I'd be humiliated.


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## Chelle D

Not cool
Tell him he needs to stop it. That you are going to tell the daughters' friends' parents about it. Then DO.


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## forevermemorable

Chelle D said:


> Not cool
> Tell him he needs to stop it. That you are going to tell the daughters' friends' parents about it. Then DO.


I thought about this approach, but it won't fly, because these girls are legal age and having the wife go to her daughter's friend's parents is really going to bring down the heat from the husband...oh yes, he will get violet when backed up into a corner and he will wonder why his wife did not approach him first about it.

That is a bad move indeed and it puts the wife in a very uncomfortable, awkward, and tight spot. In fact, it may very well backfire, because husband will deny it and these naive gals will say, "There's nothing going on." What inevitably will happen is that you will have a paranoid wife who gets the blame for being insecure about her husband's actions.


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## tjohnson

forevermemorable said:


> I thought about this approach, but it won't fly, because these girls are legal age and having the wife go to her daughter's friend's parents is really going to bring down the heat from the husband...oh yes, he will get violet when backed up into a corner and he will wonder why his wife did not approach him first about it.
> 
> That is a bad move indeed and it puts the wife in a very uncomfortable, awkward, and tight spot. In fact, it may very well backfire, because husband will deny it and these naive gals will say, "There's nothing going on." What inevitably will happen is that you will have a paranoid wife who gets the blame for being insecure about her husband's actions.


I agree. This is wildly inappropriate and dangerous. Even if this is totally innocent on everyone’s part…this is not normal. while i question the husbands actions and intentions. I don't necessarily she can make accusations that something is going on. Only that he is not behaving correctly. 

Take any red blooded male and put him in the company of a halfway decent (or not even) looking college age women who has an interest in him and there is a fairly good change of danger. No matter how much he loves his wife or his moral fortitude. Young women have the ability to cast a spell on a man that can make him oblivious loose his sense of right, wrong, good bad. Many otherwise good men have lost everything including the respect of his friends neighbors, coworkers, etc. I have seen it happen. It is very ugly. This is why men should avoid these situations and why wives should be wise to make sure they do. 

This is not to be a matter of trust or accusations but, rather again a request to modify the behavior of a middle aged man that is understandibly enamored by the company of young women. While his intentions MAY be less than honorable and we can speculate... Gross as it may to many it is more common then you probably realize. I see men drooling at my young daughter. Gross to many..yes.. unusual...no. 

Address the innappropriateness of his behavior without judgement or implying ill intentions.....and/or insist you go. If i were him i would fight you on this and give you all sorts of answers. In the end what women (no matter how cool, secure, etc.) would let her H hang with college girls? Nuff said!


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## dixieangel

When I was 18-19 I was very naive. A 35 year old single man I knew at church befriended me. I didn't think he wanted anything more than friendship with me. One day he asked me to come over to his home and record my voice on his work voicemail, so it appeared he had a secretary. I did and while I was there, he grabbed me in his arms and started to try and kiss me. I pulled away and told him I had to go. I was NOT interested in a romantic relationship with a man old enough to be my dad. But this taught me a valuable lesson. Men don't generally care about age. In fact, they are looking to get lucky with a young woman. 

I feel for you because I know your husband will never admit this is what he is up to. You have to be ready to be called jealous and insecure. You aren't of course. You are trying to save your marriage and also a lot of embarrassment. What your husband is doing looks really bad and people that see this, like your daughter and her friends parents and family, see him a dirty old man. 

You have every right to insist that he stop this..delete her phone number from his phone. If he wants to continue, go to every single game...make it hard for him. He will back down if you are always around making it impossible for him to spend time with her.


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## Cosmos

OP, you need to have a very calm but deliberate conversation with your H. He needs to be told in very uncertain terms that you find his behaviour not only inappropriate, but highly embarrassing and humiliating. Let him know that unless he stops doing what he's doing, you will have no alternative but to distance yourself from him and the marriage.


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## Chelle D

forevermemorable said:


> I thought about this approach, but it won't fly, because these girls are legal age and having the wife go to her daughter's friend's parents is really going to bring down the heat from the husband...oh yes, he will get violet when backed up into a corner and he will wonder why his wife did not approach him first about it.
> 
> That is a bad move indeed and it puts the wife in a very uncomfortable, awkward, and tight spot. In fact, it may very well backfire, because husband will deny it and these naive gals will say, "There's nothing going on." What inevitably will happen is that you will have a paranoid wife who gets the blame for being insecure about her husband's actions.


BULL. 
1) I DID say that the wife should go to hubby first. "Tell him to stop". Then go to the 18 & 19 yr old parents. Yes, I would be telling the husband that IF he didn't stop, (and explain my reasons why I thought it wasn't appropriate), that then I would be going to the kid's parents.

2) It does not matter that these girls are of legal age. Sorry, as a parent, you cannot tell me that if some 40something year old man was texting my 19yr old kid, that I would not want someone to let me know & put a stop to it????? BULL. You are essentially saying that Just because my kid is legal age, that I should suddenly not care if they are being approached by a potential bad situation? Do you not think these parents care about their soccer playing college age kids anymore??

3) Sorry, but it is more than just a paranoid wife. Why would it backfire. Many people would be giving the same advice to go to the spouse, if it was a married 25 year old girl (as apposed to going to the parents of a 19 yr old college girl).
Fine, if "nothing is going on".. and the girls are naive. If it was a "platonic' texting between her husband & a married 25 year old, i would still say , if it doesn't stop, I'm going to the girls husband & telling him about it. 

The key is to stop the inappropriate behavior before it get to the point of an affair. And just because these girls are 18 & 19 and "now of legal age"... does NOT mean the wife should let her husband's texting get to the point of an affair. 

to me, you are just basically telling her that it's okay that her husband is doing this and that she shouldn't say anything. Hogwash.


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## forevermemorable

Chelle D said:


> to me, you are just basically telling her that it's okay that her husband is doing this and that she shouldn't say anything. Hogwash.


Now lets not put words in my mouth. You must have not read my post before the one your replied to.

The wife should approach her husband in regards to this...its what is called "Communication." I don't agree that the wife needs to be a little tattle-tale and go behind husband's back. That is just plain childish. The wife needs to confront husband first without fear of reprisal. However, if husband does not communicate with wife appropriately and continues on this perverted course, than at that time, she should inform the parent's of her daughter's friends.

Put yourself in the wife shoes and see how hard it is for her. She goes to her daughter's friend's house, sits down on the coach and talks to the parents (probably her age) and she says, "I am sorry to bring this to you, but I think my husband is flirting/having an affair with your daughter(s)." That is going to be the easiest thing in the world...right?

Does the wife have enough courage to do that? I am not sure. I think if husband brushes this off and does not communicate properly, than this is the path the wife needs to take.


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## Chelle D

Okay... then we're kinda on the same page. 

Because yes. I would go to the husband first. I would not go to the parents behind his back & blindside him. But, if he didn't stop the inappropriate hours & hours of contact... I would tell him that going to the parents would be my next step. 

Just as if the hubby was texting a married female. I would say that if it doesn't stop, I am going to the husband.

Yes, the hubby is probably going to be resentful. But, that is probably because it is backlash & shift blaming from him "knowing" that he is doing something unacceptable but not wanting to accept the responsibility of shaping up.


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## Chelle D

And I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth. *** sorry ***

I was saying "to me, it seems like you are saying"... 

Meaning... "To me, I am interpreting your words as this meaning......."

Sorry, my communication skills lack greatly. I try to get better. I try to get my meaning across... and then when I'm upset about a situation, or reacting quickly.. then my words flow even worse.


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## Cosmos

I think it's a very bad idea for the OP to go to the girl's parents. The person at fault is her H, and he's the one she needs to tackle. Going to the girl's parents could prove to be a humiliating experience - particularly if for some reason they don't take her seriously and start gossiping about her to other parents. This sort of action could backfire - badly.


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## ShawnD

> When I was in highschool my dad had a crush on my GF. That was creepy too.


I'll remember this if I have a daughter. If I don't like her boyfriend, I'll make the creepiest gay sex invite ever. Lick my lips, looking him up and down, and say I have the place to myself on saturday night 



> The salient point is that the girl is his teenage daughter's school friend, and that is the ick factor.


Men who are not attracted to 19 year olds are probably homosexual. In my opinion, it's a fact.


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## Cosmos

ShawnD said:


> Men who are not attracted to 19 year olds are probably homosexual. In my opinion, it's a fact.


We're not talking about "attraction." We're talking about a man acting on it with his daughter's school friend.

I used to find some of my son's teenage friends attractive, but never in a million years would I have acted in any way inappropriately towards them.


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## Riverside MFT

Cosmos said:


> There are boundaries when interacting with members of the opposite sex, and your H overstepped a few of them:-
> 
> _Any kind of physical touch that lasts for more than three seconds._
> _
> Any kind of physical touch besides a handshake, pat on the back, or a brief hug (again, no longer than three seconds)._
> 
> _Full-frontal hugs. This is when the bodies are completely touching, and not just an upper body hug._
> 
> Being alone socially with the other person. There are times when a job might require two people to be alone. In these times, people should work together as professionals and not friends. There are times when a job might require more than the three second rule (i.e. athletic trainers, professional ballroom dancers, etc.). In these cases, professionalism and not engaging in any other outside of work interactions are of the utmost importance.
> 
> _Secret conversations (by phone, internet, etc.) with the other person. This includes facebook and other social networking sites._
> 
> Secret get togethers. It doesn’t matter if it is “just lunch” or “just coffee.”
> 
> Ultimately, you should ask yourself, “Would my spouse be comfortable if he/she saw what I was doing with this other person right now?”
> 
> (source: Appropriate Boundaries with Members of the Opposite Sex)
> 
> 
> No, I don't think you're over-reacting, and the texting needs to stop.


This quote came from my blog.


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## aston

Your man already has his mind made up......if he's texting her that late at night from his hotel room what do you think he's trying to do? I'm pretty sure he went to bed after rubbing one off thinking of her.
I'd say you stay on the alert and have a serious conversation wiht your man.


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## forevermemorable

VexingViolet,

How did all of this turn out? It has been over 6 months since the last post. Hopefully you will get an e-mail notification of this message and be obliged to let us all know what has happened and if you have addressed what you brought up here in this forum.


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## brokenbythis

wiigirl said:


> Nip this...now. *This will end badly*.


Is an understatement.

My STBXH got one his daughter's friends pregnant.

SICK.

Don't underestimate what is going on here, like I did. It will end real bad, for you, your kids, him and the teenage skank.


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## Goldmember357

Very bad

EA/PA very likely

End it now


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## Senior Citizen

Listen to the responses you are getting..........this is heading down the wrong road. He has an interest in 19/20 year olds....but is married. He needs to grow up fast. This is disrespectful to you.


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## Kaci

Haven't read all the post, but...

Tell your daughter a five hour drive is way too hard on everyone. You and daddy will come to only a few important games. Tell your husband, that this obsession ends, NOW. Do not let him bamboozle you into any kind of compromise. No texting, no hugs, no games that aren't directly related to daughter and only a few of them. Those are your terms, period. He won't like it, but then, who should be unhappy... you or him? 

Stand your ground, hopefully saving your marriage along with it.

Buy him a sports channel so he can watch soccer at home.


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## Wiserforit

Texting? What a loser. Some muff diving, I can understand. But to be wrapped around the finger by a little scrumpet and hoping for a titty-hug after games? Seems more like a teenager than a man.


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## soulsearch

Way creepy


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## MrK

She has one post. The original and never came back. That was almost a year ago.


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