# Packing up



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, I tried to talk to my soon to be ex husband a few weeks ago about divorce. It's time. We've tried to make it work over and over and this is where we are at. Our talk did not go well. I didn't get much out but, "maybe since you're home early, this would be a good time to talk..." and he stormed out of the house in anger. 

After 3 days of silence, he went back to normal. He told me he was going to sleep in our bed that night. I said that was fine, but nothing had changed. Just because he was back to talking to me again, nothing had changed. I was still moving out. He said ok, but slept on the couch. I truly think he believes if he ignores the problem long enough, everything will go back to the way it was. But, that's what got us here in the first place.

I've been gone this past week with family. We've talked once via text. I came home last night because I need to get things taken care of here. Today, I started packing. It's hard to get started, but I just grabbed a box and started putting things in. Gotta start somewhere, right?

So, I guess it's off to my parents after I'm done packing. Need to save money. I've been making some money writing online, but not a steady income. And, I'm sure I am stuck with our new car payments although I don't have a job anymore and won't have a license after October. But, he has never been financially stable, so no sense in leaving the car to him.

Hoping we can sit down soon and figure out if we are going to have separate lawyers, or just file the papers, or what? And what bills is he still responsible for? And who is taking what? At least we don't have kids in this mix. I'm not looking forward to the talk because I'm afraid he'll just blow up and leave. As for me, I'm fairly calm now because I am ready to move on and re start my life. I'm ready to move on and find an open honest relationship where we can communicate and have sex....Sounds weird maybe, but no sex for 2 years and married for 2 years kinda sucks after a while.

So, packing away. Hope this all goes fast and smooth.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

You seem to be in good spirits despite your situation which is amazing to me. I left for a week over the summer and i was miserable! How do you stay so calm?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

nandosbella said:


> You seem to be in good spirits despite your situation which is amazing to me. I left for a week over the summer and i was miserable! How do you stay so calm?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm calm because I'm finally ready to do this. I feel confident in my decision. I mourned my marriage a long time ago. Now it's just time for action. We've been married a little over 2 years, but my husband checked out right at the beginning. So, I've had time to mourn and get ready for this. 

When I am gone, I feel so relieved. When I come back, my anxiety goes back up. I hate being here. I'm so ready to move out and start again. 

I have my down times as well. Just feeling good about my decision right now, although getting through all of it with him is not going to be easy. He has yet to accept what is happening.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Still trying to gather up the courage to start the talk about the divorce details. He has been busy at work and coming home late, so not a good time to start the talk. We need to talk about paying bills and so forth. I've decided I will send him a short text tomorrow while he is at work asking him when would be a good time for him. That will give him time to think about it without just exploding at me.

I wonder if he thinks that him moping around, ignoring me, and acting like I don't even exist is going to make me stay? Does he think I will feel sorry for him and eventually cave? He knows I'm leaving because I'm packing boxes. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's not yelling or being angry, but he's dealing with this the same way he has dealt with everything in our marriage and in his life. Pretend that it doesn't exist and it will go away.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

So, today I sent him a text asking when we could talk about bills, money, details, etc. He asked, "What bills?" I explained. Then I said also paperwork. He actually asked, "What paperwork?" I responded insurance, car, divorce, etc., etc. And no response. So, at least he's getting to be angry away from here. 

I'm just frustrated because he seems to think if he doesn't ever talk about it or hear me say it, then we won't be getting divorced. I think this is going to be a difficult process to get through with him.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Just wondering.....but did you ever try marriage counseling? Or even attempt to make it work with a third party present?

My wife moved out of the house 3 weeks ago with no sense of marriage counseling or anything trying to help "make it work" She just moved out and came back 3 days later to take everything she owned with her. I was devastated and heartbroken. However, that is what she wanted and i filed separation papers in 1 week. 

She made her bed now she has to sleep in it. I really don't know how she is going to live on her own. I made all the payments with bills/cable/rent/etc..etc.... real world will hit her soon. 

Not trying to say you did that, but i just have a heavy feeling when people do that. B/c i experienced it


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks for your questions. Yes, we tried marriage counseling. That was a disaster. The counselor wanted my husband to attend counseling to work on his communication issues and co dependency, but that didn't last long before my husband declared himself "fixed". In counseling, my husband would just cry and talk how he was going to do things differently, but nothing ever changed. 

Just some history, we haven't had sex for almost 2 years no matter what I do. At this point, I have no respect left for my husband. No sex for 2 years and being married for just over 2 years is sad. I was working on the divorce petition today and it asked at what date were we separated. It said that the separation date was the date of last marital relations. That means we've legally been separated for almost 2 years. 

We've been trying to "make it work" since the beginning. It seems the moment we married, he quit. He started sleeping on the couch, quit communicating with me, became a roommate. No matter what I did, that didn't change. He slept on the couch for 10 months. By then, I had mourned our relationship.

He's been warned, told, given chances to save the marriage. At this point, it's over. I've been fighting this for over a year. It's time to get on with my life. Living in this limbo sucks. If he refuses to see it, then that's not my problem. He can live in his own little world. I choose to be happier and not drug down by this anymore.

I was the one who supported us mostly. I only recently became unemployed. I will be getting some help from my family plus making money writing online. I also may start substituting before I go back to teaching full time. I have no problem finding a career.

Thanks for your concern. I'm sorry for your situation.




legiox said:


> Just wondering.....but did you ever try marriage counseling? Or even attempt to make it work with a third party present?
> 
> My wife moved out of the house 3 weeks ago with no sense of marriage counseling or anything trying to help "make it work" She just moved out and came back 3 days later to take everything she owned with her. I was devastated and heartbroken. However, that is what she wanted and i filed separation papers in 1 week.
> 
> ...


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Well if MC didn't work, then yes you should do what you need to do.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, this morning was our scheduled talk time. He said this would be a good time. I remained very calm and had a list of what we needed to figure out (animals, bills, car, insurance, etc.). Our talk lasted about 5 minutes before he became really upset. Started saying that he knew he should've never married again. That he just wants it all over with. That his life sucks, yadda, yadda, yadda. I tried to let him calm down a few times. I finally said that we could continue this conversation at another time of his choosing when he was calmer. He left the house, slamming doors, and cussing. Came back in, threw his ring on the floor, and left again. I then locked the door. Wasn't 3 minutes later he came back, beating on the door, then got his keys and came in. I was in the bathroom so don't know what he wanted. I figured he wanted to fight more, that's why I disappeared. After a minute he left again, slamming doors and pealing out of the driveway in his work truck.

So, I'm still not any further on this than I was before. I guess I will just write it all up, the division of assets, and then give it to him to sign. He'll sign in it anger, I'm sure. But, then if he doesn't follow through I'll take him to court.

I tried to do this nicely. I tried to accomplish this without lawyers seeing as how we don't have much together and don't have any kids, but if it takes a lawyer I'll get one. And I'll get a restraining order if he's going to behave this way. He's never hurt me, but it is scary when he gets angry, starts shaking, hits walls and doors, and slams things around. Usually he just leaves, but he has chased me into the bedroom before and then threatened to call the cops when I wouldn't leave. I just don't trust him because he flies off the handle so quickly.


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

ku1980rose said:


> So, I'm still not any further on this than I was before. I guess I will just write it all up, the division of assets, and then give it to him to sign. He'll sign in it anger, I'm sure. But, then if he doesn't follow through I'll take him to court.


My suggestion: Sit down, divide everything up on paper, be as fair as possible. Arrage another "meeting" with him, slide the paper in front of him, allow him to read it, make changes or just sign it. If that fails, get an attorney and start the process yourself.

Based on what you've said, I understand your sense of calm. You've had time to process the situation and you're further along in the process than he is. Take control and do what needs to be done. Best of luck to you!


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

ku1980rose said:


> Hoping we can sit down soon and figure out if we are going to have separate lawyers, or just file the papers, or what? And what bills is he still responsible for? And who is taking what? At least we don't have kids in this mix. I'm not looking forward to the talk because I'm afraid he'll just blow up and leave. As for me, I'm fairly calm now because I am ready to move on and re start my life. I'm ready to move on and find an open honest relationship where we can communicate and have sex....Sounds weird maybe, but no sex for 2 years and married for 2 years kinda sucks after a while.


Based on how things go between the two of you, I would just write up what you feel in equitable and see if he will sign it. You do not have to use a lawyer, especially if you don't have a lot of assets anyway. Go to the courthouse and ask the cleark of the court what needs to be filed in order to get a divorce. You don't have children which makes things a little easier.

It is hard to tell you which way to go, but at least you are ready and have the courage to do what you need to do for you. I don't suspect that he will make it easy, but if you are ready to go, he does not have a choice. In todays age of no-fault divorce, there does not have to be a reason (fault) in order to get the divorce. Make sure to protect those things that mean something to you and get those out of the house soon.

As for moving on and getting into a new relationship, I would take some time just to get reaquainted with you before meeting someone new. There is no rush and more than likely will be some emotions that still need to be worked out once you are away from your husband. Good luck moving forward.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Daisy82 said:


> My suggestion: Sit down, divide everything up on paper, be as fair as possible. Arrage another "meeting" with him, slide the paper in front of him, allow him to read it, make changes or just sign it. If that fails, get an attorney and start the process yourself.
> 
> Based on what you've said, I understand your sense of calm. You've had time to process the situation and you're further along in the process than he is. Take control and do what needs to be done. Best of luck to you!


That's my plan. He went to his dad's last night. Came back this morning and got his work truck and went to work. Came back around 9pm and went straight to the bathroom then to the computer room to watch tv. Wouldn't talk at all. I asked if he was ready to talk again. He ignored me. Finally said he had to get up early and didn't want to drive from his dad's. However, he still stayed up past midnight. Oh well. Seemed ticked that he had to stay at his dad's last night, but I told him that was his choice. So, then he started ranting, "I know....everything's my fault......"

At this point, he is having a huge pity party. But, what can I expect. He still holds a pity party for himself for his first divorce.

Good thing about him being gone last night?? I got tons of packing done. I feel like I'm probably halfway done, but now I need to figure out how to get it all moved outta the house. I have a bad back, my dad is having knee surgery, my best guy friend is away for work, and both of my brothers live in other states. Yuck. I really though my stbxh would come to his senses and at least help, but I don't think that's happening. The best thing I can do now is get out of here ASAP, get the papers completed and sent to him, and move on with my life.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

C3156 said:


> Based on how things go between the two of you, I would just write up what you feel in equitable and see if he will sign it. You do not have to use a lawyer, especially if you don't have a lot of assets anyway. Go to the courthouse and ask the cleark of the court what needs to be filed in order to get a divorce. You don't have children which makes things a little easier.
> 
> It is hard to tell you which way to go, but at least you are ready and have the courage to do what you need to do for you. I don't suspect that he will make it easy, but if you are ready to go, he does not have a choice. In todays age of no-fault divorce, there does not have to be a reason (fault) in order to get the divorce. Make sure to protect those things that mean something to you and get those out of the house soon.
> 
> As for moving on and getting into a new relationship, I would take some time just to get reaquainted with you before meeting someone new. There is no rush and more than likely will be some emotions that still need to be worked out once you are away from your husband. Good luck moving forward.


Thanks for the words of encouragement! I doubt I will be moving into another relationship soon seeing as I will be back living with my parents on the farm! lol! No guys there! I've got a lot of things I need to take care of to get my life back on track. I'm not ready to share my life with someone until I get back to being able to support myself and everything.

Well, I'm trying to do the no fault divorce paperwork online. Found a free site that helps me. But, it's difficult. Lots of information. I just want the divorce, and we each keep what we had before the marriage. There's really not much to split up. And he says to take whatever I want, so I will. Wasn't going to do that at first, but his attitude has made me just not care. But, as for furniture and stuff, it's mainly mine that I brought with me. He didn't bring much.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, I discovered another lie today. Not really discovered, but confirmed. He quit chewing tobacco around the time we got married. He made the choice. I didn't push him. However, throughout the last 2 years, I've had my suspicions that he was still chewing. Have asked him about it, but he always denied. So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

Well, while packing I have found chew cans hidden everywhere! Under the bathroom sink seems to be his favorite place, but there were some in the closet of the extra bedroom. I think he mostly chews at work when I'm not around. Also chews when we go out and are having a few beers. That's when I've suspected it. But, he's chewed for so dang long, he's very good at hiding it. (Seeing as he hardly ever spits anymore - yuck.)

And, when he came home from work today he immediately hopped in his personal truck and left. I went to search his work truck for mail because the mailbox has been empty everyday and I am yet to see any mail. Found lots of mail (for me) and lots of new and empty chew cans. :liar:

At this point, I don't care. He can destroy himself however he sees fit: chewing, drinking, eating himself into oblivion. But, it does piss me off that he has denied it all these times that I've suspected. Made me feel guilty for asking...and he's been doing this the whole time. :banghead:


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are so strong.
I can only agree with what others have said. Write up the papers the way you want and present them. It sounds like he will have another fit, but probably sign in anger, and then likely say after the fact that you took him for everything. You know the truth. Good luck moving, it is so hard.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Pluto2 said:


> You are so strong.
> d.


Thank you for saying that, but I think some on here would disagree as I've been wanting out for so long and kept coming up with excuses. 

But, now, I'm just doing it and leaning on family for financial support.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well tried to initiate the talk again. He blew up again. I told him I will get a lawyer if that's how he wants to do it. And how many times did I tell people he'd be mature about this? What was I smoking? Then he said that I was trying to take advantage of him and that if I wasn't such a bit** maybe it would've worked. That's the point I said if he wasn't gay maybe we would've had sex. Lol! Uh oh. I'm stooping to his level now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

Ok did I miss something? Is he gay? 

First, don't stoop to his level. Second, have you written up a separation/divorce agreement of who gets what? Have you given it to him, no talking just slide the paper in front of him and allow him to read it, change it and sign it? If you do not want to go that route, still write down who gets what and take it to an attorney. If he doesn't want to talk either about D or R and you're sure you want D, then go get it done. Stop trying to talk to him, he's not going to see your point of view. 

You don't have children involved and you're sure you want divorce then be the strong woman that your know you are and start the process on your own!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Daisy82 said:


> Ok did I miss something? Is he gay?
> 
> First, don't stoop to his level. Second, have you written up a separation/divorce agreement of who gets what? Have you given it to him, no talking just slide the paper in front of him and allow him to read it, change it and sign it? If you do not want to go that route, still write down who gets what and take it to an attorney. If he doesn't want to talk either about D or R and you're sure you want D, then go get it done. Stop trying to talk to him, he's not going to see your point of view.
> 
> You don't have children involved and you're sure you want divorce then be the strong woman that your know you are and start the process on your own!


Well, I didn't think he was gay, but not having sex for 2 years pretty much since the moment we were married makes me wonder sometimes.

You are right, I stooped to his level and I felt ashamed of that afterward. I'm just so ready to get out of here, but the packing and moving process is slow. 

I'm working on the paperwork process. It's confusing, but I'm looking for help online. I don't want to have to go to an attorney because of money. 

This weekend I went with a group to a Women of Faith event. It was wonderful! It helped me feel a little more positive about what is going on in my life right now and has given me some of my spirit back. So, this week I hope to finish packing and move out.


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