# Ladies, please explain



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I have a full time job and live on a farm requiring much outside work. I basically have two full time jobs.

Option 1
Get home from work, kiss my wife, explain how difficult work was, eat dinner, change, hang out on couch, work outside a bit and come back in and explain what I did to my wife.
Result - meh

Option 2
Get home from work, kiss my wife, explain nothing from work, change and immediately go work outside, eat dinner, immediately go work outside till dark. Come in and sit next to my wife telling her nothing of what I did.
Result - she is all over me.

What is it about working my asss off and not telling or explaining anything to my wife that turns her on ??

This is not just a one time deal. The LESS I explain and the more I work the more she is into me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

UMP said:


> I have a full time job and live on a farm requiring much outside work. I basically have two full time jobs.
> 
> Option 1
> Get home from work, kiss my wife, explain how difficult work was, eat dinner, change, hang out on couch, work outside a bit and come back in and explain what I did to my wife.
> ...


I have the exact same experience. 

She always wants to know about my day, my stresses, my worries. But when I tell her, I seem to become her girlfriend not her husband. 

When I don't, and focus on taking care of business, it's sexyfunplaytime. 

I think one is caretaker woman mode and one is sexy woman mode.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Interesting. I actually pretty much never talk about work to my wife or complain about my day, and I know at times it drives her crazy, Not sure if I started doing so that would have any impact (positive or negative) on how she responds to me.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

marduk said:


> I have the exact same experience.
> 
> She always wants to know about my day, my stresses, my worries. But when I tell her, I seem to become her girlfriend not her husband.
> 
> ...


It's good to know that someone else goes through the same thing.
If I were to go slay a dragon and come home and tell my wife about it.....meh.
If I slay a dragon, come home with cuts all over my face, smiling and never saying anything about it, she'll jump my bones.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think in the second scenario you are 'withholding' and so she feels like she wants to draw you out. That can happen in different ways. I'm probably not a good gauge on anything marital and normal, though!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have never really had a job I can talk to my significant other about so I don't. However is it possible that when you explain your day or all that you do it comes across as negative and resentful so it turns her off?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> I have never really had a job I can talk to my significant other about so I don't. However is it possible that when you explain your day or all that you do it comes across as negative and resentful so it turns her off?


I was wondering the same thing. I know when my wife gets in that mode it is a complete turn off for me.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I have never really had a job I can talk to my significant other about so I don't. However is it possible that when you explain your day or all that you do it comes across as negative and resentful so it turns her off?


Nothing negative.

If I tell her what I accomplished, "mowed the grass, fixed the toilet, put out the pool furniture, cleaned the pool, changed the oil in the car, I get a "meh."

If I do exactly the same thing without saying a word, she's all over me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Could it be possible that she sees you telling her all the things you did that day as you somehow keeping score of what she owes you for? My ex-husband was _very_ transactional in this thinking, and very upfront about it as well. If he told me he'd done some chore, he expected to be "paid" for it immediately with some sexual favor. It was rather like being presented with a bill, payable in sex. Making it plain that sex was payment for his services was not exactly conducive to turning me on, or to a healthy relationship in general.

I'm _not_ saying you're doing that, OP. I just wonder if, when you tell your wife the tasks you've accomplished, she feels that then showing sexual interest in you would feel transactional rather than being a genuine expression of desire.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Could it be possible that she sees you telling her all the things you did that day as you somehow keeping score of what she owes you for. My ex-husband was _very_ transactional in this thinking, and very upfront about it as well. If he told me he'd done some chore, he expected to be "paid" for it immediately with some sexual favor. It was rather like being presented with a bill, payable in sex. Making it plain that sex was payment for his services was not exactly conducive to turning me on, or to a healthy relationship in general.
> 
> I'm _not_ saying you're doing that, OP. I just wonder if, when you tell your wife the tasks you've accomplished, she feels that then showing sexual interest in you would feel transactional rather than being a genuine expression of desire.


Nope, because we only have sex on Tuesdays and Fridays.
I never transact for sexual favors, never even suggest it.
She is simply more attracted to me and sex is better if I don't talk about what I have done. The more I talk, the less she wants to be with me and sex is not quite as passionate.

Tonight is Tuesday so I am going to go home, not speak a word of work, eat, get dressed and work outside till dark without saying a word about anything I did. 
Let's see how it goes


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If you tell her nothing, then she can imagine that you are hard at work taking care of business. If you tell her anything, she relates it to you being a lazy pain in the ass at home.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

As far as work: Maybe when you tell her how difficult your day was, she thinks you are whining, and it turns her off.

As far as home repairs & such: Maybe she thinks your bragging, and that turns her off as well. 

Maybe try asking how her day was, as an answer to when she asks you the same, rather than detail your own day. 

Just a guess......

:smile2:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A couple of years ago my team and I won a fairly prestigious industry award for our work. I never bothered to tell my wife . Likewise for several patents, and so on. Simply not interested.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OMG I wish my husband would STFU about work sometimes. I am trapped in the car with him for 45 minutes driving home every day and by the time we get home I want to shove a sock down his throat most of the time. I have to just take it too - if I say anything he gets all butthurt.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you get all excited when she tells you she went grocery shopping, made a huge lasagna that she then froze part of for future meals, did 3 loads of laundry and was able to get all the blood and grass stains out of your kid's soccer uniform, and then helped the kids with their math homework? And if she tells you her list of things she's done all day, does that make you suddenly want to have sex with her? 

How about if you come home and she doesn't tell you about any of it, but just has your lasagna on the table with some wine and you chat about something more interesting than lists of jobs and chores? Does that make you more interested in her?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We always discuss our day and then we have sex every night.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Scenario 2 shows you're taking care of business without the need for accolades. I also see it as protective of your wife in a way. If you encountered problems, you took care of them without needing to burden her with them. Less stress on her plate. That's extremely sexy.



Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Scenario 2 shows you're taking care of business without the need for accolades. I also see it as protective of your wife in a way. If you encountered problems, you took care of them without needing to burden her with them. Less stress on her plate. That's extremely sexy.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


Exactly. There's no need to discuss the details of every day if it's the same day after day. People who talk endlessly about their jobs are very boring to me.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Scenario 2 shows you're taking care of business without the need for accolades. I also see it as protective of your wife in a way. If you encountered problems, you took care of them without needing to burden her with them. Less stress on her plate. That's extremely sexy.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk



^^Exactly^^

Too much talking about mundane stuff kills the mood for me. It makes the very unsexy, non perverted part of my brain work>


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

My wife has an interesting job. Many different dynamics going on and a great deal of entertaining stories. If I want to kill a good vibe or want her to leave the room I just start talking about my work. At first it bothered me now I just use it to clear the room.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Women are often taught the way to get attention is through sex, and so if she feels like she is not getting enough, she might turn up the sex volume to get you to respond.

This is, IMHO, part of the psychology behind the 180 and the "destabilization" tactics often advocated here. When you (one) go "cold" your partner loses their sense of security and responds by trying to solicit your attention. If I come home from work withdrawn or quiet, my SO will respond by being more affectionate and attentive.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> OMG I wish my husband would STFU about work sometimes. I am trapped in the car with him for 45 minutes driving home every day and by the time we get home I want to shove a sock down his throat most of the time. I have to just take it too - if I say anything he gets all butthurt.


What specifically does he talk about that is so annoying?
I'm interested not to throw stones at you but to learn about what might also annoy my wife.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

john117 said:


> A couple of years ago my team and I won a fairly prestigious industry award for our work. I never bothered to tell my wife . Likewise for several patents, and so on. Simply not interested.


This is sad.
You've got to at least be able to talk about the big things.
Patents and awards are a big deal.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

UMP said:


> This is sad.
> You've got to at least be able to talk about the big things.
> Patents and awards are a big deal.


No kidding!!
Same thing I thought.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Maybe she just hates your voice....

LOL...jk...I have no advice for you....Sharing is caring, yo!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> Maybe she just hates your voice....
> 
> LOL...jk...I have no advice for you....Sharing is caring, yo!


He probably gets super excited at dessert presentations


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Holland said:


> We always discuss our day and then we have sex every night.


I think my problem is that I need to move to a condo.
I try to get home early and immediately start working outside.
My grass alone takes about 5 hours to cut with a 72" zero turn mower. Cutting the front street section takes an hour with a 21" walk behind. I go through one tank of fuel in one sitting just to weed eat. After you do all this you feel like superman, but no one wants to hear about it. Actually, no body even notices.

I guess I just need to grow up and shut up.

Such is life.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

ellisredding said:


> he probably gets super excited at dessert presentations :d


BUDDY!!:grin2:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

UMP said:


> What specifically does he talk about that is so annoying?
> I'm interested not to throw stones at you but to learn about what might also annoy my wife.


It isn't what he talks ABOUT so much as the volume of information he seems to think I should care about. Sure, tell me you had a good day because you handled something well or sold something big or whatever. but leave it at that. I do not need to hear every freaking detail, and there are much more important things to talk about, like the grandson, our weekends plans, what we should make for supper, things that we did or will be doing TOGETHER. It's like he has me in the car and I can't get out so I am forced to listen.

Strangely mornings are not nearly so bad.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

UMP said:


> I think my problem is that I need to move to a condo.
> I try to get home early and immediately start working outside.
> My grass alone takes about 5 hours to cut with a 72" zero turn mower. Cutting the front street section takes an hour with a 21" walk behind. I go through one tank of fuel in one sitting just to weed eat. After you do all this you feel like superman, but no one wants to hear about it. Actually, no body even notices.
> 
> ...


No you don't need to grow up or shut up. Honestly I think it is sad when partners don't share their days and lives.

Does your wife work with you outside? We can spend a whole weekend together doing stuff outside in the garden, veggie patch, tending the bees etc. We often are working in different parts of the garden and then sit down for a chat and a cuppa. We live on a standard block though so it is easy to do things together outside.

Maybe she would care and notice if you didn't do these things and let it all get out of hand. 

Appreciation is a good thing, sadly lots of partners don't embrace this. Such a simple thing to thank your partner and notice all the hard work they do.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

UMP said:


> I think my problem is that I need to move to a condo.
> I try to get home early and immediately start working outside.
> My grass alone takes about 5 hours to cut with a 72" zero turn mower. Cutting the front street section takes an hour with a 21" walk behind. I go through one tank of fuel in one sitting just to weed eat. After you do all this you feel like superman, but no one wants to hear about it. Actually, no body even notices.
> 
> ...


The weird thing is the people that tell men that they should open up more emotionally.

Yeah, like that'll get you laid.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Exactly. There's no need to discuss the details of every day if it's the same day after day. People who talk endlessly about their jobs are very boring to me.


This is how it works for us... neither of us go on about what we DID (Great post by @norajane explaining that), basically that's common place... ho hum...but we DO readily give *the "highlights"* of our day.. .. 

Crazy Sh** a co-worker did, said.. some antic of the boss (there can be some swearing going on there, I WANT to hear about it...Husband is not a man who complains.. hardly ever.. so in it's own way.. these stories are outrageous, even amusing -though unfortunately he has to work under this guy)..he's usually not the one targeted.... or he might share some interesting fact he read on the Urinal wall...News the guys might be talking about .."Did you hear about ________" that could impact Us in some way.... things that make me laugh... anything "juicy" we share.. This livens our conversations.. then we shoot back & forth our own 2 cents..

If I didn't have this going on in my marriage.. then I'd be BORED!!

This is just another form of Intimacy to me ...it's intellectual foreplay -it doesn't all have to be sexual.. if my husband pushed this away.. I wouldn't like that at all... and our sex life would surely take a hit ... I'd feel he was cold & uninterested in me.. 

Bantering, sharing our day, laughing together.. I want all that...he wouldn't have a need to tell me what he DID... but if it had a story attached to it... it would come out in the conversation.. same with me.. 

Example.. yrs ago now...I was cooking something in the oven, a glass dish... took it out, then I set it on a HOT burner I forgot to shut off (or just turned off )....then BANG!!!.. my pan exploded.. the kids loved telling that one. And why we were eating pancakes that night.. 



Buddy400 said:


> The weird thing is the people that tell men that they should open up more emotionally.
> 
> Yeah, like that'll get you laid.


It really does depend on the woman.. I would not enjoy being with the silent type that never shared his day.. .this would frustrate me greatly..

But on the other hand.. a man who "talks too much" gets on my nerves .... met a few of these...and I couldn't wait to get away from them.. if someone can't downsize the stories to make them pleasurable with some give & take..it all falls apart for me.... I feel the same with girlfriends.. I just want to run out of the room.. and get away from them... 

It's about the "Highlights".... the funny, the Juicy, the important.. the crazy, the sad...keeping each other in the loop.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> It isn't what he talks ABOUT so much as the volume of information he seems to think I should care about. Sure, tell me you had a good day because you handled something well or sold something big or whatever. but leave it at that. I do not need to hear every freaking detail, and there are much more important things to talk about, like the grandson, our weekends plans, what we should make for supper, things that we did or will be doing TOGETHER. It's like he has me in the car and I can't get out so I am forced to listen.
> 
> Strangely mornings are not nearly so bad.


I totally get this Hope! I like to hear more about interactions he had with people at work...issues he ran into, negotiations he was successful or unsuccessful at but when he gets into the nitty gritty details of a deal and goes on and on and on....oh god please STFU.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

UMP said:


> I think my problem is that I need to move to a condo.
> I try to get home early and immediately start working outside.
> My grass alone takes about 5 hours to cut with a 72" zero turn mower. Cutting the front street section takes an hour with a 21" walk behind. I go through one tank of fuel in one sitting just to weed eat. After you do all this you feel like superman, but no one wants to hear about it. Actually, no body even notices.
> 
> ...


Or, you leap into the house trailing your cape, and call out, "Lois Lane, Superman is here!" and then sweep her into a big kiss. Then when she asks what that's about, tell her to break out the champagne because you just mowed 5 acres of lawn in under 5 hours, your personal best. See? You just turned it into "celebrate Superman Ump night."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe you should ask her why it seems that she shuts down when you talk about your day.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Same experience here. When I just get stuff done and talk to her about other things, she responds well.

I don't like talking about my day anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Holland said:


> Maybe she would care and notice if you didn't do these things and let it all get out of hand.


I don't understand what is getting out of hand?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> The weird thing is the people that tell men that they should open up more emotionally.
> 
> Yeah, like that'll get you laid.


Exactly!
I think the best thing I can do is completely shut myself off emotionally. She does want me to listen and sympathize with her, but if I have an issue, she does not want to hear about it.

Don't get me wrong. I can talk to my wife all day to Sunday about my problems and she WILL listen and she will console. However, the sex will turn to shiit.
If I want to get laid like tile on a consistent basis I must keep my mouth shut about my problems.

Maybe when I'm 70 I won't care so much about sex. Maybe


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is how it works for us... neither of us go on about what we DID (Great post by @norajane explaining that), basically that's common place... ho hum...but we DO readily give *the "highlights"* of our day.. ..
> 
> Crazy Sh** a co-worker did, said.. some antic of the boss (there can be some swearing going on there, I WANT to hear about it...Husband is not a man who complains.. hardly ever.. so in it's own way.. these stories are outrageous, even amusing -though unfortunately he has to work under this guy)..he's usually not the one targeted.... or he might share some interesting fact he read on the Urinal wall...News the guys might be talking about .."Did you hear about ________" that could impact Us in some way.... things that make me laugh... anything "juicy" we share.. This livens our conversations.. then we shoot back & forth our own 2 cents..
> 
> ...


Oh, we talk about all that stuff. I'm talking about real heavy stuff like I'm worried that business is bad and that I'll end up selling hot dogs on the street. I own my own company and when things are difficult I cannot talk to my wife about my concerns as I see her vagina dry up as I speak. I have to take it on the chin and deal with my demons by myself. I pray a lot.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

UMP said:


> I don't understand what is getting out of hand?


The lawn dude, the lawn. 
Far out, who will think of the lawn if it wasn't for you?

Anyway take Nora's suggestion, get thee a Superman cape and get busy.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> I totally get this Hope! I like to hear more about interactions he had with people at work...issues he ran into, negotiations he was successful or unsuccessful at but when he gets into the nitty gritty details of a deal and goes on and on and on....oh god please STFU.


Men are just like that. I recently broke a rifle when I was cleaning it and it took my days to repair the wood. I took everything apart and refinished the wood. I was so proud of the repair and wanted to tell my wife every detail BECAUSE details are what separate an OK job from a GREAT job.
If I don't tell my wife, who can I tell?

BTW- I have no friends. Really, I don't. I have no time for friends.
No facebook, no twitter, no nothing....other than this place.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> The weird thing is the people that tell men that they should open up more emotionally.
> 
> Yeah, like that'll get you laid.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> Or, you leap into the house trailing your cape, and call out, "Lois Lane, Superman is here!" and then sweep her into a big kiss. Then when she asks what that's about, tell her to break out the champagne because you just mowed 5 acres of lawn in under 5 hours, your personal best. See? You just turned it into "celebrate Superman Ump night."


Yes, I could do that, but I would have to do it every 7 days. It's non stop. It's like painting the White house. You start at one end and by the time your finished it's time to do it all over again.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jld said:


>


You are a bad woman JLD >

OK to be fair, Mr H is having a really tough time with his ex and all I want to do is cuddle him and have sex with him. 

Yes men letting out their emotional side can get them laid.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jld said:


>


Put it this way. I can speak of anything UNLESS it's something that makes me look weak or afraid.
It's like getting a cut. Back in the old days you could count on your mother to baby you and act all shocked when you had blood coming down your hand.
Your wife does not want to hear any of that, unless the arm is actually coming off your body.

I believe this is one of the really big shockers of getting married.
Your wife is NOT your mother. She CAN be, but she cannot be both your mother and your lover. You have to pick one.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Holland said:


> You are a bad woman JLD >


Yes. I am. 



> OK to be fair, Mr H is having a really tough time with his ex and all I want to do is cuddle him and have sex with him.
> 
> Yes men letting out their emotional side can get them laid.


You need a wife like Holland, UMP. She would take good care of you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

UMP said:


> Put it this way. I can speak of anything UNLESS it's something that makes me look weak or afraid.
> It's like getting a cut. Back in the old days you could count on your mother to baby you and act all shocked when you had blood coming down your hand.
> Your wife does not want to hear any of that, unless the arm is actually coming off your body.
> 
> ...


Really?

OK maybe I am an idiot (yes the answer is yes) but when my 6'3" Superman cuts himself I am there with the first aid kit and bandage him up. I give him a kiss and a hug and then tell him what needs doing next. Works for us.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jld said:


> Yes. I am.
> 
> 
> 
> You need a wife like Holland, UMP. She would take good care of you.


During my heart attack my wife took care of me like a baby. The sex was HORRIBLE.
It took about 4 years to get her back enjoying sex.
Her father screwed everything up for me. He owns a car repair shop and would come home with a finger nearly cut off and superglued it back himself never saying a word to anyone.
Not only that, he can fix friggen ANYTHING. I mean ANYTHING. 

Everything I fix, he can fix better so I get nothing from my wife. She does not want to hear about it because her father just fixed crap and never said a word to anyone.

I am learning though. My main issue is that my parents babied me too much and wanted to hear anything and everything I did and heaped so much praise on me for really nothing.
That does not continue in "real" life.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

It doesn't matter why it works, it just does, so keep doing what works without questioning why. You cant change it anyway, she's going to react the way she does regardless of whether or not you know the underlying reasons. If you think you can change her, just forget it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

UMP said:


> Put it this way. I can speak of anything UNLESS it's something that makes me look weak or afraid.
> It's like getting a cut. Back in the old days you could count on your mother to baby you and act all shocked when you had blood coming down your hand.
> Your wife does not want to hear any of that, unless the arm is actually coming off your body.
> 
> ...


I would agree.

Some women are happy to take care of a man. Holland, SA, GI, and many others are great in that role. They do it very well and their men are happy and grateful for it. Win/Win.

But not every woman is cut out for that. It changes how she sees her man, and seriously affects her attraction. 

It sounds like your wife is that way, UMP. You know her limits and work within them. 

Different relationships, different needs.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Holland said:


> Really?
> 
> OK maybe I am an idiot (yes the answer is yes) but when my 6'3" Superman cuts himself I am there with the first aid kit and bandage him up. I give him a kiss and a hug and then tell him what needs doing next. Works for us.


That's great!
My wife is not like that at all. Again, she CAN be if I want her to, but it turns her off sexually. Unlike you, she CANNOT be a lover and a mother at once.
In fact, the less she takes care of our kids (because they are growing up) the more sexual she is.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

UMP said:


> Put it this way. I can speak of anything UNLESS it's something that makes me look weak or afraid.
> It's like getting a cut. *Back in the old days you could count on your mother to baby you and act all shocked when you had blood coming down your hand.*
> Your wife does not want to hear any of that, unless the arm is actually coming off your body.
> 
> ...


Obviously you didn't have a mom who was a nurse. If my arm was falling off she would have thrown some of that red crap (Iodine?) on it and sent me back out to play lol. But let her granddaughter get a papercut and she wants me to rush her to the hospital. I keep telling my daughter this isn't the lady I grew up with :grin2:

I get what your saying about the inability to show your soft underside to your spouse. For men I think it has to be a balancing act. You have to be able to share yourself and lean on your wife for comfort but it has to only be from time to time. If you constantly complain or overshare all you are afraid of then conscious or unconscious they form an opinion of you being weak. 

Guess my point is you may get more emotional support if you talk about what is bothering you less...


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jld said:


> I would agree.
> 
> Some women are happy to take care of a man. Holland, SA, GI, and many others are great in that role. They do it very well and their men are happy and grateful for it. Win/Win.
> 
> ...


Yes, 
For example, I spent the night cleaning out and rearranging our light bulb storage area.  Getting all new efficient stuff. She was out at a lacross game and did not see anything I did. 
I did not say a word. I wanted to.

It's difficult to be proud of something you did without the ability to tell anyone about it.
I guess that defines a real man, for my wife.

They will all miss me terribly, when I'm dead


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

UMP said:


> Yes,
> For example, I spent the night cleaning out and rearranging our light bulb storage area. Getting all new efficient stuff. She was out at a lacross game and did not see anything I did.
> I did not say a word. I wanted to.
> 
> ...


Are you being serious here?

Far out now I want to come and bandage your cut finger. Sorry but a lack of appreciation is just not acceptable.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

UMP said:


> During my heart attack my wife took care of me like a baby. The sex was HORRIBLE.
> It took about 4 years to get her back enjoying sex.
> Her father screwed everything up for me. He owns a car repair shop and would come home with a finger nearly cut off and superglued it back himself never saying a word to anyone.
> Not only that, he can fix friggen ANYTHING. I mean ANYTHING.
> ...


Her dad does seem very appealing. I like that Taking care of business attitude, too. Trust-inspiring. Relaxing.

But she married you, so she must love you, UMP. I can see how what she perceives as neediness can dampen her attraction, though. And it sounds like you are able to accept her as she is, rather than needing to try to change her. You are making it work.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Also, UMP, there is nothing wrong with you. Your parents did not ruin you, either.

You are who you are and she is who she is and together you have found ways to get along. Isn't that something to feel good about?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Holland said:


> Are you being serious here?
> 
> Far out now I want to come and bandage your cut finger. Sorry but a lack of appreciation is just not acceptable.


Yes, I am serious. My whole family has no clue what it takes to hold all this stuff together.
It's kind of like the president with his finger on the nuclear war button while he is negotiating in private with his foes. He can't tell the public about anything, but after a month with his finger on the launch button he has managed to calm everything down.
All the while, the public goes along on it's merry way as the president has a nervous breakdown, in private.

I know that is an extreme analogy, however, it does apply.

I guess I could probably say the same thing about my wife. Her taking care of our mentally handicapped child and all. If she were gone, I don't know what I would do.

Anyway, thanks for listening.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

UMP said:


> This is sad.
> You've got to at least be able to talk about the big things.
> Patents and awards are a big deal.


She needs to talk about her work 24/7 - and about previous work and every perceived slight in 50 years - but where I work or what my concerns are... Crickets.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

john117 said:


> She needs to talk about her work 24/7 - and about previous work and every perceived slight in 50 years - but where I work or what my concerns are... Crickets.


If I remember right your wife is in a similar academic field as yourself. Perhaps she feels like she is in competition with you and if you ever talk about your accomplishments she feels inadequate.
My wife is a SAHM. If I land a big deal or do something big at work, she is excited for me/us.

However, if I change the oil in 4 cars in one night, meh. Don't need to know.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Maybe you should ask her why it seems that she shuts down when you talk about your day.


Easy. She does not have the bandwidth to process it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP, there is a difference between sharing about our days and info dumping. Info dumping is what my H does, relating endless lists of steps of activities, items to add to grocery list, steps taken to accomplish tasks at work... My eyes cross and then my lids droop and I begin to mentally think of the last level of Angry Bird Pop and why can't I beat that level.

Sharing is not relating lists or items, but recounting something that happened in your day that affected you and why it affected you. "I had a difficult conversation with X coworker today about all his coughing and sneezing that he fails to cover with tissues. How can adults not know to cover their damn mouths when they sneed or cough?"


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

UMP said:


> Yes, I could do that, but I would have to do it every 7 days. It's non stop. It's like painting the White house. You start at one end and by the time your finished it's time to do it all over again.


Well, that's the crux of the issue, isn't it? Either you stock up on champagne and celebrate being Superman every weekend after the lawn is done, or you accept that your wife isn't going to get excited every single week that you mowed the lawn and stop expecting gold stars and sex for doing the things needed to be done to maintain your home.

She takes care of your special needs child every day. Do you give her gold stars every day for doing what needs to be done to raise your child?

Personally, I'd get rid of the 5 acre lawn and give myself that much more free time during the week. Life is too short to spend it mowing lawns.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> Well, that's the crux of the issue, isn't it? Either you stock up on champagne and celebrate being Superman every weekend after the lawn is done, or you accept that your wife isn't going to get excited every single week that you mowed the lawn and stop expecting gold stars and sex for doing the things needed to be done to maintain your home.
> 
> She takes care of your special needs child every day. Do you give her gold stars every day for doing what needs to be done to raise your child?
> 
> Personally, I'd get rid of the 5 acre lawn and give myself that much more free time during the week. Life is too short to spend it mowing lawns.


Yes, I agree.
I just do it and shut up. 
As much as I sometimes hate doing all that stuff, when it's all done I get a massive amount of satisfaction just looking at what I did. I also enjoy walking outside naked and peeing outside my front door. 
It's a cave man sort of thing.
When I finish I lie down in the middle of the yard with my 3 dogs admiring it all.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> Well, that's the crux of the issue, isn't it? Either you stock up on champagne and celebrate being Superman every weekend after the lawn is done, or you accept that your wife isn't going to get excited every single week that you mowed the lawn and stop expecting gold stars and sex for doing the things needed to be done to maintain your home.
> 
> She takes care of your special needs child every day. Do you give her gold stars every day for doing what needs to be done to raise your child?
> 
> Personally, I'd get rid of the 5 acre lawn and give myself that much more free time during the week. Life is too short to spend it mowing lawns.


Yes, I agree.
I just do it and shut up. 
As much as I sometimes hate doing all that stuff, when it's all done I get a massive amount of satisfaction just looking at what I did. I also enjoy walking outside naked and peeing outside my front door. 
It's a cave man sort of thing.
When I finish I lie down in the middle of the yard with my 3 dogs admiring it all.  (not naked)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

UMP said:


> Exactly!
> 
> I think the best thing I can do is completely shut myself off emotionally. She does want me to listen and sympathize with her, but if I have an issue, she does not want to hear about it.
> 
> ...


Ok so she does care about your problems and give you emotional support.

But your main interest is sex and not emotional support.

If you shut yourself off emotionally, you will not share your inner thoughts, feeling, etc. This is lead to a huge decline in non-sexual intimacy. Non-sexual intimacy does not always lead to sex immediately. But it is good fore-play.. that in your house seems to lead to sex about 24 hours after the non-sexual intimacy.

A decline in non-sexual intimacy could lead to a decline in sex.

So maybe, plan some days when you share with her so that she gets the non-sexual intimacy. The other days don't say much and just plan for sex.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

norajane said:


> Do you get all excited when she tells you she went grocery shopping, made a huge lasagna that she then froze part of for future meals, did 3 loads of laundry and was able to get all the blood and grass stains out of your kid's soccer uniform, and then helped the kids with their math homework? And if she tells you her list of things she's done all day, does that make you suddenly want to have sex with her?
> 
> How about if you come home and she doesn't tell you about any of it, but just has your lasagna on the table with some wine and you chat about something more interesting than lists of jobs and chores? Does that make you more interested in her?


I think the difference is that if she does tell me about the minutiae of her day, I still want to have sex with her.

Hence the confusion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marduk said:


> I think the difference is that if she does tell me about the minutiae of her day, I still want to have sex with her.
> 
> Hence the confusion.


You are two different people. Accepting her for who she is goes a long way.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> You are two different people. Accepting her for who she is goes a long way.


I have and do. I was trying to highlight the intent of the question.

It is an interesting difference.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

marduk said:


> I have and do. I was trying to highlight the intent of the question.
> 
> It is an interesting difference.


Maybe it has to do with perception of strength.
If I viewed my wife as helpless and emotionally weak, it makes absolutely zero difference as to whether I will be sexually attracted to her. Actually, the weaker she seems, the more attracted I will be.

The reverse in not true. If I am perceived as emotionally weak, it absolutely KILLS my wifes desire for me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

UMP said:


> Maybe it has to do with perception of strength.
> If I viewed my wife as helpless and emotionally weak, it makes absolutely zero difference as to whether I will be sexually attracted to her. Actually, the weaker she seems, the more attracted I will be.
> 
> The reverse in not true. If I am perceived as emotionally weak, it absolutely KILLS my wifes desire for me.


I actually get turned off if she appears weak. 

and yet if she has a tough day and talks to me about it, I still want her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> Really?!?!


Yes, 
It makes something inside me want to protect and take care of her.
The more needy she is the more I want to protect.
Not that she is a needy person, it's just when she emotionally dumps on me, I like the ability to comfort her. The act of comforting and protecting makes me feel more masculine.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> Really?!?!


Yes, 
It makes something inside me want to protect and take care of her.
The more needy she is the more I want to protect.
Not that she is a needy person, it's just when she emotionally dumps on me, I like the ability to comfort her. The act of comforting and protecting makes me feel more masculine.

However, in order for her to act out her emotional frustrations she has to know I can take it. If I am acting needy or like a baby, she will keep it all in. So, when she dumps on me, I know I have been acting strongly and it makes me feel good about myself.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

UMP said:


> Yes,
> It makes something inside me want to protect and take care of her.
> The more needy she is the more I want to protect.
> Not that she is a needy person, it's just when she emotionally dumps on me, I like the ability to comfort her. The act of comforting and protecting makes me feel more masculine.


You clearly understand that you are turned on by your woman appearing more weak, needy and vulnerable. That trips your trigger as her being feminine, which you are drawn to sexually. Clearly that's a male/female gender dynamic that works for you. 

I don't get why you seem confused that the flip side of that same dynamic is also true. She is turned on by you being strong, confident, un-needy. That trips her trigger as you being masculine, which she is drawn to sexually. Clearly, that's a male/female gender dynamic that works for her. 

The two desires are sides of the same coin. You both appear drawn to more traditional gender roles. What upsets that apple cart is if one of you moves too far into the opposite gender's usual role. If she were to become too strong and not need you at all, you might not be as attracted to her. Similarly, when you become more needy (of validation or care or mothering), she is not as attracted to you.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Rowan said:


> You clearly understand that you are turned on by your woman appearing more weak, needy and vulnerable. That trips your trigger as her being feminine, which you are drawn to sexually. Clearly that's a male/female gender dynamic that works for you.
> 
> I don't get why you seem confused that the flip side of that same dynamic is also true. She is turned on by you being strong, confident, un-needy. That trips her trigger as you being masculine, which she is drawn to sexually. Clearly, that's a male/female gender dynamic that works for her.
> 
> The two desires are sides of the same coin. You both appear drawn to more traditional gender roles. What upsets that apple cart is if one of you moves too far into the opposite gender's usual role. If she were to become too strong and not need you at all, you might not be as attracted to her. Similarly, when you become more needy (of validation or care or mothering), she is not as attracted to you.


I am not confused now.
I think I have to constantly remind myself of this dynamic.
Thanks!


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

UMP said:


> Men are just like that. I recently broke a rifle when I was cleaning it and it took my days to repair the wood. I took everything apart and refinished the wood. I was so proud of the repair and wanted to tell my wife every detail BECAUSE details are what separate an OK job from a GREAT job.
> If I don't tell my wife, who can I tell?
> 
> BTW- I have no friends. Really, I don't. I have no time for friends.
> No facebook, no twitter, no nothing....other than this place.


I know, I know! It's sometimes annoying but I know I do the same to him: "so I finally deadlifted 135 this morning, you know I didn't think I was going to make it, but I did and then, blah blah blah I can go on and on about my silly fitness plans. I remember one time discussing something to no-end...I don't even remember what it was but I doooo remember him looking up at one point and him saying, honestly IDGAF what you do could you please just stop talking about it. And then we both burst out laughing bc he was right, I was rediculously talking about the same issue over and over!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> "so I finally deadlifted 135 this morning, you know I didn't think I was going to make it, but I did


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


>


Hahaha I get so crazy about my training...obsessed! (sorry for the derail UMP!)


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> Hahaha I get so crazy about my training...obsessed! (sorry for the derail UMP!)


Nah, I am there right with ya (although even that I really don't talk much to my W about, but she reaps the benefit since I only need one trip to bring all the groceries in  ).


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

UMP said:


> I have a full time job and live on a farm requiring much outside work. I basically have two full time jobs.
> 
> Option 1
> Get home from work, kiss my wife, explain how difficult work was, eat dinner, change, hang out on couch, work outside a bit and come back in and explain what I did to my wife.
> ...



This is some great insight here. I have noticed this as well, but was too dumb to analyze it this way. I was in a bad job 8 years ago and my boss was a racist lesbian b****h and I hated her. Every time she did something nasty, I would call home and tell my wife and complain. I guess I was doing it to show what all I was going through for her and the family. I don't think I was successful, she saw it as whining and looked at me as weak. I can now easily see how she saw it that way. 

So around 2012 I stopped telling her what happened at work. I tell her only what she needs to know (like when I got laid off, got a raise, have to do business travel etc). Of course I slip up sometimes and then I see that she again sees me as needy.

I read somewhere that a "needy man" is the biggest turn off for a woman. 

So I'll keep your post in mind and try an experiment and absolutely share NOTHING from work every day. Let's see what happens! Great topic.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

nirvana said:


> I read somewhere that a "needy man" is the biggest turn off for a woman.


I wouldn't doubt that it's pretty high up on the list of common turn-offs. Needy is not sexy. It's not fun. It doesn't inspire confidence. And if you have children, needy is what your kids are. A partner who reminds you of your children is not a turn-on.

That said, what each person will consider needy, and the degree to which they're willing to accept that behavior in their partner without losing sexual interest, is highly variable.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I wouldn't doubt that it's pretty high up on the list of common turn-offs. Needy is not sexy. It's not fun. It doesn't inspire confidence. And if you have children, needy is what your kids are. A partner who reminds you of your children is not a turn-on.
> 
> That said, what each person will consider needy, and the degree to which they're willing to accept that behavior in their partner without losing sexual interest, is highly variable.


I've been guilty of that, now that I think back.
I have made improvements but this thread reminded me that I need to do more and reinforced what I felt earlier.
Anyway, I discuss job issues and worried with my male friends and keep them away from the wife.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

nirvana said:


> I've been guilty of that, now that I think back.
> I have made improvements but this thread reminded me that I need to do more and reinforced what I felt earlier.
> *Anyway, I discuss job issues and worried with my male friends and keep them away from the wife*.


I can tell by Mr H's demeanour when there is something big going on for him, either work stress or life struggles. He used to try to keep things to himself but I could sense it straight away. 

You are either a very good actor or your wife is clueless.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

nirvana said:


> This is some great insight here. I have noticed this as well, but was too dumb to analyze it this way. I was in a bad job 8 years ago and my boss was a racist lesbian b****h and I hated her. Every time she did something nasty, I would call home and tell my wife and complain. I guess I was doing it to show what all I was going through for her and the family. I don't think I was successful, she saw it as whining and looked at me as weak. I can now easily see how she saw it that way.
> 
> *So around 2012 I stopped telling her what happened at work.* I tell her only what she needs to know (like when I got laid off, got a raise, have to do business travel etc). Of course I slip up sometimes and then I see that she again sees me as needy.
> 
> ...


I would be bummed if my husband stopped telling me what happened at work. I WANT to know...just not in excruciating detail.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> I can tell by Mr H's demeanour when there is something big going on for him, either work stress or life struggles. He used to try to keep things to himself but I could sense it straight away.
> 
> You are either a very good actor or your wife is clueless.


Well, for minor things that piss me off but do not cause anything more, I can hide it well. For serious stuff, it probably shows and she asks me. I have also improved my acting.
My observation is when I am free and open with information, it has very low value. When I close the faucet of info, then she asks me and tries to pry it out and she respects me more. 
Maybe if I talk more about things, she feels like I am a girlfriend and un-manly.
It follows the law of demand and supply.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> I would be bummed if my husband stopped telling me what happened at work. I WANT to know...just not in excruciating detail.


If you want to know, the I am sure you will ask. That is what I want to get to. If she asks, I will tell. I will not volunteer information unless she asks. Free stuff has zero value.
If she does not ask, it also indicates to me how much she cares about what is going on with me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

UMP said:


> Oh, we talk about all that stuff. *I'm talking about real heavy stuff like I'm worried that business is bad and that I'll end up selling hot dogs on the street. I own my own company and when things are difficult I cannot talk to my wife about my concerns as I see her vagina dry up as I speak. I have to take it on the chin and deal with my demons by myself. I pray a lot.*


Where my husband works.. they are closing shops, laid off 3 guys below him in the last couple months.. we have these concerns too.. his job makes good money for Blue collar, and it's held our family for the last 18 yrs, even allowing me to stay home...

*It's generally ME asking... "well any more news. rumors?"*.... I WANT to be in the loop! Because of this worry.. I recently took a job - and in case, I will have to go full time where I am at, for the health benefits to cover our family...

I am not one who wants blindsided.. if there are problems at his work... *I want to KNOW*.. 

Sure this causes worry... but then we try to put in place a "back up plan", just in case... 

This is one of the sayings he brought home years ago.. from that Urinal wall - how true it is...I have to keep this in the back of my mind.. Loosing his good job would royally SUCK for us with 2 sons in college this year -ongoing the next 3-4 yrs !.. but it happens to others every day... they make it through somehow. 



My husband is not one to get depressed, or complain .. he has a way of always looking on the bright side or counting his blessings.. now ME.. I can get pretty bent out of shape momentarily.. pi$$ & moan... till I process the change .... then I'm Ok.. so having some WARNING is good.. or I'd be worse when the hammer fell.. 

These things wouldn't affect my sex drive so much.. heck at least that's something we can continue to enjoy - no matter what...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> UMP, there is a difference between sharing about our days and info dumping. Info dumping is what my H does, relating endless lists of steps of activities, items to add to grocery list, steps taken to accomplish tasks at work... My eyes cross and then my lids droop and I begin to mentally think of the last level of Angry Bird Pop and why can't I beat that level.


My wife does the same thing, but in a different way:

"you won't believe what happened today! You know bettys husbands cousin, yeah you know, we ate dinner with them 3 years ago, you know, at that restaurant we went to last week. Remember, we had the shrimp and that waiter was weird. The decoration was terrible in that restaurant. Anyway, I ran into him at the grocery store. You won't believe what happened to his sister. You know, you met her at that amusement park back in 2009. We were riding that roller coaster with the red flames down the side and we were eating hot dogs. Anyway, his sister has a son ..................................."this about where I go brain dead. :smile2:

It's all good.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I wouldn't doubt that it's pretty high up on the list of common turn-offs. Needy is not sexy. It's not fun. It doesn't inspire confidence. And if you have children, needy is what your kids are. A partner who reminds you of your children is not a turn-on.
> 
> That said, what each person will consider needy, and the degree to which they're willing to accept that behavior in their partner without losing sexual interest, is highly variable.


Being needy is something we are all born with. Obviously children are needy and for a Looooooooog time. Hell, my 18 year old son was almost crying because my wife took his phone charger and did not put it back where she found it. 
"why did she do this, why did she do this, I cannot understand why she did not put it back."

"Well, welcome to the real world son! Wait till you get married. You will never ever ever find those pair of scissors where you put them, ever." 

Point being, as an older married man of 54 I STILL have problems with being needy. It's almost an involuntary action, like breathing.
These type of posts really help remind me.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> I would be bummed if my husband stopped telling me what happened at work. I WANT to know...just not in excruciating detail.


If my wife knew of our social events with the interns  she would be here on TAM POSTING IN ALL CAPS "OMG HOW CAN THEY HAVE COOKOUTS AND PLAY THIS CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY GAME AND JOKE ABOUT THEIR BOYFRIENDS"...


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

UMP said:


> "Well, welcome to the real world son! Wait till you get married. You will never ever ever find those pair of scissors where you put them, ever."
> 
> Point being, as an older married man of 54 I STILL have problems with being needy. It's almost an involuntary action, like breathing.
> These type of posts really help remind me.



Just this morning, I could not find my hair brush before I rushed off to work. Of course, my wife had used it and placed it in the kitchen. And this, after she would use and misplace my earlier hair brush until I got fed up and told her she could keep it and I would get a blue one for myself that she should not touch. But she misplaces all her brushes and conveniently picks up mine which is always in its place and misplaces it. I just can't win.
Next time I'll have to hide it. It's like I am dealing with a child.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

nirvana said:


> Just this morning, I could not find my hair brush before I rushed off to work. Of course, my wife had used it and placed it in the kitchen. And this, after she would use and misplace my earlier hair brush until I got fed up and told her she could keep it and I would get a blue one for myself that she should not touch. But she misplaces all her brushes and conveniently picks up mine which is always in its place and misplaces it. I just can't win.
> Next time I'll have to hide it. It's like I am dealing with a child.


AH. I have the answer! This is what I actually did. My wife and 17 year old daughter ALWAYS steal and misplace my hairbrush, scissors and tweezers. I purchased a combination lock box that I put in my bathroom drawer. I do not share the combination. In return I purchased them EACH their own tweezers, hairbrush and scissors of the exact brand and quality of my own.(multiple times) They always lose them anyway and I just laugh:grin2:

No body and I mean NOBODY is getting my combo


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

This is so odd to me. I love to hear about my mans day... and no matter what, I always want to get laid, lol.

Personally, I think you should bring it up. You yourself say you have no friends, so who are you supposed to talk to about stuff, but worry if your going to get mediocre or passionate in the bedroom. Talking about how hard you work would turn me on, personally.

Like I said, I'd ask her about it. I don't think you're complaining at all. It would bother me as well.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

ihatethis said:


> This is so odd to me. I love to hear about my mans day... and no matter what, I always want to get laid, lol.
> 
> Personally, I think you should bring it up. You yourself say you have no friends, so who are you supposed to talk to about stuff, but worry if your going to get mediocre or passionate in the bedroom. Talking about how hard you work would turn me on, personally.
> 
> Like I said, I'd ask her about it. I don't think you're complaining at all. It would bother me as well.


I can talk about goofy things or funny things, but not important life changing problems. For example, we had this issue with our neighbor downtown where I work. It took months of lawyers, negotiations, letters, etc. etc. If it had stayed it would have impacted our business greatly with no end in sight. I cannot use my wife to console myself. I cannot tell her what I'm "worried" or "afraid" of. That's the kind of stuff that turns her off.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

UMP said:


> I can talk about goofy things or funny things, but not important life changing problems. For example, we had this issue with our neighbor downtown where I work. It took months of lawyers, negotiations, letters, etc. etc. If it had stayed it would have impacted our business greatly with no end in sight. I cannot use my wife to console myself. I cannot tell her what I'm "worried" or "afraid" of. That's the kind of stuff that turns her off.


Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I could never be in a marriage like that. I guess if it works for you it works, but I just couldn't do it. 

Are you going to ask her about it?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

UMP said:


> Nothing negative.
> 
> If I tell her what I accomplished, "mowed the grass, fixed the toilet, put out the pool furniture, cleaned the pool, changed the oil in the car, I get a "meh."
> 
> If I do exactly the same thing without saying a word, she's all over me.


Maybe it comes off as boasting? As in "look what I did, now I want something in return" kind of thing. That's not a turn on, at all. When my husband does stuff like that it bugs me because I do stuff all day long too, but I don't look for him to see all of it. Does she sit and explain to you that she cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes, etc.? Would that be a turn on to you?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

UMP said:


> I can talk about goofy things or funny things, but not important life changing problems. For example, we had this issue with our neighbor downtown where I work. It took months of lawyers, negotiations, letters, etc. etc. If it had stayed it would have impacted our business greatly with no end in sight. I cannot use my wife to console myself. I cannot tell her what I'm "worried" or "afraid" of. That's the kind of stuff that turns her off.


Having some male friends would do you and your marriage a world of good. Some men complain about their wives wanting them to be a "girlfriend" and provide emotional support, your wife is carrying the burden of being your only friend, spouse and mother to your kid. That is a huge burden, you need male friends to hash things out with.

Also, developing buddy relationships with other men will let you have some sense of self away from your wife, independence is sexy.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

UMP said:


> I can talk about goofy things or funny things, but not important life changing problems. For example, we had this issue with our neighbor downtown where I work. It took months of lawyers, negotiations, letters, etc. etc. If it had stayed it would have impacted our business greatly with no end in sight. I cannot use my wife to console myself. I cannot tell her what I'm "worried" or "afraid" of. That's the kind of stuff that turns her off.


Then you really don't have a partner. She's just someone you are legally bound to, with whom you share a house, but she doesn't have your back, and she never will.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Mclane said:


> Then you really don't have a partner. She's just someone you are legally bound to, with whom you share a house, but she doesn't have your back, and she never will.


No, no. She has my back all right. Living 25 years with me is proof enough. If you want more proof look back to my heart attack and 7 cardioversions. I was a living nightmare to live with for probably 2 years.
I can talk to my wife about anything. However, if I choose to lean my head on her shoulders every night and cry I will not and should not expect porn sex from her.
I would rather internalize certain things because I still want great sex. Maybe when I'm in my 70's it won't matter so much and I can start crying


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

techmom said:


> Having some male friends would do you and your marriage a world of good. Some men complain about their wives wanting them to be a "girlfriend" and provide emotional support, your wife is carrying the burden of being your only friend, spouse and mother to your kid. That is a huge burden, you need male friends to hash things out with.
> 
> Also, developing buddy relationships with other men will let you have some sense of self away from your wife, independence is sexy.


I agree with this 100%. Problem is I just don't have time to make new friends. I really only have one friend that I see once a year for a couple days.
Just too busy. This place is my friend


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> Maybe it comes off as boasting? As in "look what I did, now I want something in return" kind of thing. That's not a turn on, at all. When my husband does stuff like that it bugs me because I do stuff all day long too, but I don't look for him to see all of it. Does she sit and explain to you that she cleaned the bathrooms, did the dishes, etc.? Would that be a turn on to you?


I am not trying to boast at all. What I'm really trying to do in this particular case is act like a 5 year old boy would with his mother. "hey look at what I did, mom!" 
My mother would eat that stuff up and tell me how great a person I am. 

Not a good idea with the wife. Needy.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

UMP said:


> No, no. She has my back all right. Living 25 years with me is proof enough. If you want more proof look back to my heart attack and 7 cardioversions. I was a living nightmare to live with for probably 2 years.
> I can talk to my wife about anything. However, if I choose to lean my head on her shoulders every night and cry I will not and should not expect porn sex from her.


Ok, yes, I get that. You gotta balance it out a bit. You can't be all bad news all the time. It gets old. But again, I'm not getting why you crying on her shoulders can't lead to her saying "How about a nice BJ to cheer you up?"


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

UMP said:


> I am not trying to boast at all. * What I'm really trying to do in this particular case is act like a 5 year old boy would with his mother. "hey look at what I did, mom!"
> My mother would eat that stuff up and tell me how great a person I am.
> *
> Not a good idea with the wife. Needy.


I can see why this would be a turn off, especially if she grew up in a house where people didn't sought out praise for their work.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Mclane said:


> Ok, yes, I get that. You gotta balance it out a bit. You can't be all bad news all the time. It gets old. But again, I'm not getting why you crying on her shoulders can't lead to her saying "How about a nice BJ to cheer you up?"


Well, I guess it's because she wants to give BJ's to men that don't cry. Do ANY women get horny after watching their man cry ???
A pity BJ I could understand, but I don't want one of those.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

UMP said:


> Well, I guess it's because she wants to give BJ's to men that don't cry. * Do ANY women get horny after watching their man cry ???*
> A pity BJ I could understand, but I don't want one of those.


no


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So, UMP, is this thread about wanting her to praise you for doing regular weekly chores or to get horny when you cry on her shoulder? Seems you are after two different things, neither of which is particularly realistic.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> So, UMP, is this thread about wanting her to praise you for doing regular weekly chores or to get horny when you cry on her shoulder? Seems you are after two different things, neither of which is particularly realistic.


This thread (for me) is about learning what my wife and other women find sexually repulsive.
These type of posts help reinforce the fact that I cannot be needy or childish and expect my wife to lust after me. IMO.


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