# Need Advice about Ex-Wife Issue



## Frustrated Second Wife (Jul 19, 2010)

Hello,

I am new to this site, and I hope to get some advice on an issue that is wrecking my marriage. My husband has an ex-wife and child who live around 500 miles away from us. His ex is remarried; however, I have had some issues with her disrespecting boundaries. For example, she has called my husband to discuss her marital problems with her current husband.

In addition to the general disrespect that she has for boundaries, my main issue is with both her and my husband. My husband's son is quite ill and is facing a potentially fatal surgery. The surgery will be performed in the city in which my husband and I live. The problem is with his ex-wife staying with us when she and her son are in town for doctor's visits. I am not totally unreasonable--I do respect the situation and am trying to be sympathetic. The real problem is that my husband offered to allow her to stay with us before he discussed it with me. My husband and I have had this argument several times, and I reluctantly agreed to allow her to stay overnight when needed. However, now my husband does not understand why I do not want her staying with us for weeks and months upon end while his son waits for and recovers from his surgery. 

My real question is am I being unreasonable for not being able to see past this awkwardness and view the big picture? Am I being selfish for not wanting my husband's ex to stay in my house for an extended period of time?


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## Kaye (Jul 13, 2010)

I'd feel funny about it too to be honest, and I would have been angry with my hubby if he offered for his ex to stay at our house without first discussing it with me, regardless of the circumstances. That definitely something that should have been discussed between you both, imho. 

Like you, I think the major problem was him not discussing the housing situation with you beforehand. Geez, given the circumstances, you probably would have said, "Sure, no worries. I want to support you any way possible in this," if he had asked you. 

Mind you, I probably would have found out if their was a Ronald McDonald House near the hospital, as an alternative option. (Not sure if that is just an Aussie thing, but essentially they are places that are supposed to be set up as home-like accommodation for families whose kids are experiencing health problems, so the families can be together while the kids are in hospital/receiving medical help.)

On the other hand, your hubby is probably sick with worry about his son, and maybe this is his way of showing his concern and support for his son during his son's health problems, so ... :scratchhead:

Anyway, I wish I had some sort of real advice to offer you. Unfortunately I don't. Just wanted to say that I feel for you and I hope everything works out ok.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

“And I know this is hardly the first time you showed no backbone because you AGREED,”

Please do say no in the clearest of terms. If he insists he is disrespecting your marriage, give him the choice you or her. 

Be tough on this. Do not give him an option just say NO, warn him you will get a restraining order and you are fully entitled to do this.

The son is welcome to stay the mother is NOT – she can find a hotel somewhere. Where is her husband in this perhaps there are problems because she is hankering after your husband and he so loves the attention. 

Hold the line on this…


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Seriously?
Sometimes I can't believe the tripe that gets posted as responses here.

Well, here's my tripe.

You indicate that his son has a possibly terminal condition. His surgery is going to take place at or near where you live, and may involve weeks of recovery.

I have a special needs son. My ex and I speak frequently as a result. That isn't going to change - ever.

You state the circumstances, but you don't talk much about the issues. Presumably there is substantially more going on that you feel is undermining your relationship with your husband, and it manifests as a result of corresponding with his ex - or maybe there isn't? Is that the primary point of contention?

If the issue is contact and content with his ex - then lay it out there. Should he have discussed it with you? Absolutely. But I can also tell you from my perspective, under the circumstances you stated, "No" wouldn't have been an option.

The other respondents are focusing on the premise that your husband is putting his ex before you - can't say that I know that is the case or not. I'm assuming you certainly feel that way. I'm also presuming that you know she has brought up her marital issues with her new husband - because your husband openly told you so. So I'm trying to understand if your consternation is focused solely on her for being out of line, or if you think your husband is being complicit and disrespectful of you?

Through my eyes, he is putting his son first. I don't know how dire the circumstances truly are. You painted the possibility of a tragic outcome at the worst, and a lengthy recovery at best. Under those conditions I would want my son's mother to be available to him. Presuming she would need to stay for longer than a week, what would you do? Say 'tough sh!t, let her figure it out?'. Who wins in that scenario? 

I understand your concern and disappointment. All I am trying to ask you to consider, or discuss with your husband, is that this isn't about his ex, or you. If you can adopt that stance until this storm passes, everyone will be better served, particularly, his son.


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