# Husband wants me to be wilder



## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

This is a vent post.

My husband keeps asking me to be wilder, release my inner porn star, etc. I keep asking him to explain what he wants exactly because I don't know what that means. 

I really don't think I can get much wilder than I am. I initiate more frequently than he does. I get rejected 90% of the time. I rarely reject him (only when he comes and gropes at me while I am extremely busy when I had offered prior to getting busy -and I HATE to be groped while I am working and have told him so). 

I talk dirty, very dirty. I do more of the talking than he does.

I am usually the one on top.

I am very enthuastic (though monitoring loudness based on if kids are home/up/Company). 

I flash him several times of week. (Again, he keeps saying he wishes I would flash him but I already do! He seriously doesn't remember that I flashed him)

I am the one who's offered S&M, spanking, costumes, lingerie, anal, sex toys, games, etc. If we do any of those, it is at my suggestion and he usually seems uncomfortable so I don't do it much anymore but I tell him regularly, that I'm game for anything (except other people or things which could get me arrested and hurt my teaching career). He has never once in 18 years introduced something, yet says he "doesn't want to have to be the one to come up with ideas all the time."

He is complaining today that he came home mid morning and I didn't seem interested, even though he told me he was coming home and had made a sexual innuendo (i did not connect it to him wanting some midday sex at all). I was busy working on an immediate problem when he got home and told him so. As soon as I had it resolved, I came into the room. He made no suggestions of wanting to have sex, made no moves. I made none either. I don't like to make them but once or twice a week because I usually get rejected.

MY idea of rejection
Wife "do you want to have a quickie" while you home
HIM: I don't have time. I have to get back to work

WIFE: leaves sexy note to meet her in bedroom
HIM: never comes to bedroom (and yes, he saw the note)

Wife: Starts stroking him 
HIM: I have to go bathroom. Then he has to go to work. 


His idea of rejection
ME: I flash him and says "I'm going upstairs. Are you going to join me. 
He: He says "In a minute." but never comes upstairs until after I am asleep 
He: Is thinking about sex in his mind.
ME: I am asleep and have no idea 
next morning -I get told I wanted "Nothing to do with sex"

HE: "I'm going upstairs to read before bed?"
Me: Okay. 
When I come up, he's asleep. I go to bed
Next day, I didn't come to bed so we can have sex (But even if we go to bed at same time, he doesn't initiate to where I know he is initiating. I sleep topless. He holds my breasts every night. That is not initiating, that is ritual. He does it and I have asked and he didn't want it, so am I supposed to read his mind from one day to the next that touching my boob in bed =sex when most times it does not.


HIM: Comes home from work for lunch
ME: Helps him make lunch (I asked the two other times that week and was told he didn't have time, this time I had just got in from running and was hot and sweaty, so not inclined to initiate)
*Not initiating =rejecting

ME; Making several attempts in the bedroom to get him interested but he chose to sleep
HIM: Comes down while I am cooking/washing dishes/or messaging a friend and gropes me knowing that I hate to be groped at those times. He knows this is an automatic no. I have told him that He can do this every day and everyday it will be a no -especially when he had the chance earlier. DO NOT TOUCH ME WHEN I AM cooking or on working on computer (Okay if I am just surfing the web but not when I am chatting with a friend or working)
** I suspect that if I said "yes", he would be saying, "just kidding"

He constantly wants to do things for favors (such as he does something on honey do list, so wants a sexual favor) but then he has no favors that he wants other than "be wilder" or "flash me" (why do I want to flash him, when he can't remember that I flashed him -I just flashed him this morning). Why do I want to initiate when he is most likely going to turn me down. How often should I be expected to flash when I already sleep topless. We have teens that are always up. He is hardly home or we are out walking/driving. I flash 2-3 times a week but he thinks I never flash. I feel if I flashed every day, it would be trite and most days, there is not a reasonable chance to flash. He wants me to ride in the car with him to pick up our daughter while topless (until we got there). The drive is through the area of town where there is a cop every other block, and lots traffic, stoplights, people, etc. High chance of arrest, so no. I will do it when we are on freeway sometimes or in the country but be reasonable!). 

So I told him today that he can have odd days for me to do what he wants and I can have even days for him to do what I want. He liked the idea but then he has to drag it out (all day? time frame? blah blah blah). I said I don't care, whatever you want! I'm easy. then he's all "I can't make up my mind. I wish you were here to help me decide? I asked what are you thinking about? He says "perverted thoughs" I say "pervert me" and the goes on about he just wants me to be wilder

I am so frustrated. Why does me not initiating =rejection when if I initiate he will reject me? Why is me sleeping a rejection. Why does everything have to be my idea (yet he swears it all has to be his idea and that the had do all the initiating.????? WHat???"


----------



## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

There are probably 100 guys on here right now who would like to slap your husband on the back of the head. lol


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

BiscuitMom said:


> This is a vent post.
> 
> My husband keeps asking me to be wilder, release my inner porn star, etc.



start charging him


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

BiscuitMom said:


> This is a vent post.
> 
> My husband keeps asking me to be wilder, release my inner porn star, etc. I keep asking him to explain what he wants exactly because I don't know what that means.
> 
> ...



I feel for you. <hugs>

My wife is very similar to your hubby and you sound just like me.

You and I are what's called high sex drive HD adventurous.

Your hubby and my wifee are what's called low sex drive LD.

The similarities are uncanny.

I used to do all that stuff and initiating with Mrs.CuddleBug but over the many years, I stopped due to rejections and excuses. Now if she is in the mood, she initiates and we get busy. If I initiate today, I usually get rejected, more excuses, she falls asleep on the couch, etc.

This is called sexual mismatch. One spouse is the HD one and initiates but gets rejected. The other spouse is the LD one and wonders why they aren't being aggressively approached for sex.

You sound like the ideal wife and he has issues.

He needs to be a man and hubby and be the initiator and aggressor instead of leaving it up to you and then playing games and rejecting you.

Both take the 5 love languages quiz and compare the results with each other afterwards.

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

Turned out I am Physical rating 12 which makes sense, I love all physical touch and lots of sex. My wifee is Acts of Service rating 12 and would rather please me, which makes her in the mood and happy instead of me pleasing her.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

My opinion is that he feels his drive slipping, and wants you to pick up the slack....It will not help for long....


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

My opinion, your husband is an idiot


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

This is his problem not yours. He is doing everything in his power to turn this around on you. He is uncomfortable with sexuality and He is sexually insecure which likely effects his drive. I'm sure he is embarrassed, ashamed even but you need to call him on this as gently as you can. You seem to have it all sexually speaking. He is intimidated.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonmd said:


> My opinion, your husband is an idiot


This gets my vote.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

I had not heard of an LD spouse complaining that the HD spouse is not wilder. I wish my spouse was wilder and I would be thrilled if she initiated 1/2 the things on your list.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Wow! If what you say is even 50% true-----what guy wouldn't be thankful every day!??! 
Wait----your husband; that's who.


----------



## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

The hell is wrong with him? I wish my wife would do two things on your list. 


This isn't on you. He has an issue and can't communicate it to you. Sit him down and talk


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like he spends too much time with porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

If you do all that...and he's still wanting you wilder...i would seriously be wondering WTF is he talking about???

There must be something specific that he is looking for...that he is too embarrassed or too ashamed to directly ask for...good luck with that...if he can't actually tell you what he wants...slim chance he would actually do it anyway.

Maybe a sex therapist could help...at least get him to spit it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Maybe he wants to be dominated and pegged???


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ask him to show you some of the pron he would like you to immitate. Then without being judgmental tell him that you will need to think about it and research things for a week or so, before to see if it is something you will do or if you will suggest an alternative.

Good luck. He sounds like he has a real self confidence problem and a poor sense of boundaries.


----------



## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

BiscuitMom said:


> This is a vent post.
> 
> My husband keeps asking me to be wilder, release my inner porn star, etc. I keep asking him to explain what he wants exactly because I don't know what that means.
> 
> ...


Maybe he's gay.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

what 2 people, a tub of mayo, a german shepherd, 40 ft of heat shrink tubing, and a hair dryer do behind closed doors is their business.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Runs like a dog ... Lmaoooo ... Quite the imagination. Disturbing albeit amusing.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
has he said specifically what he wants? It sounds like you are doing everything reasonable and more.


----------



## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> has he said specifically what he wants? It sounds like you are doing everything reasonable and more.


No that is why I am upset. He just throws out vague comments like "I wish you'd be wilder" or "unleash your inner porn star" The most specific things he says is "flash him more" -I already do that 2-3 times a week or "initiate more" -also do several times a week only to be rejected for most of those tries. I actually ask or at least make it obvious that I am initiating sex, too. He claims to be rejected because I didn't initiate at the time he wanted me initiate or because I was sleeping when he wanted sex. 

I keep telling him, "Tell me exactly what you want," and he says, "If I have to tell you, it kills the spontaneity"

I've tried to be spontaneous. I flash him when the opportunity presents itself (if I did it “more” it would not be spontaneous IMHO). I touch him when he walks by (unless I am cooking or chatting lol). I have jumped into his shower wearing a white t-shirt. When our daily walks take us to the woods, I will suggest we sneak behind a tree and let me give him oral (he’s afraid somebody might walk by-but then can’t understand why I don’t want to ride through downtown topless). I have made moves at his office (somebody might hear and if we are alone, people can see through the blinds at night). I gave him a blow job going down the highway with his friend asleep in the back seat (that went over well). I recently put stickers all over my body, turned off the lights and told him he had to find all the stickers (he did but he didn't seem to see it as "Fun"). I have woken him up in the middle of the night by giving oral sex (he complained). I have shown up in bed wearing a wig. I have sent naked pictures (and I'm not comfortable with that -body image issues and fear of the kids/coworkers finding it since they sometimes use our phones-even though I've hidden my head). He says he wants more of those but really how many pictures of my boob do you need? They still look the same as they did two months ago. There is only so much you can do and keep your face hidden and taking it by yourself. Each picture looks exactly the same to me. I would prefer to give him a striptease with different outfits. Regardless, what does "more" mean? 1-2 times a year is apparently not enough though (but to me doing it more makes it less spontaneous and he wants more spontaneity) . I have sexy chats with him at least once a week (he claims he wants more, but I really need some material to work. Describing the ins and outs of giving him oral sex under his desk at work is getting boring -especially when I have already physically done that many times . Get a new fantasy hon). 

And I don't want to come across as some crazy dream girl. Most of our sex is normal (in our case, a little caressing, some oral and then me on top, whispering dirty talk almost always unless kids are too close by) because of schedules, kids in the house, same things most couples deal with. etc. I try to break the routine a few times a month by initiating in a different room,different position, oral only, trying something new, etc. I do big things on anniversary's, valentines, birthdays, Christmas, etc (stripteases, costumes, candles, games). Anyway, my dream sex life would be 3-4 regular days and perhaps a quickie during the week and then on the weekend, have a night that is bit kinkier (bondage, spanking, roleplay, toys, etc) and then another night that is more sensual and relaxed (massages, candles, extended foreplay, games). I would even be okay with alternating kinky/sensual every other week. "Oral only" sex or breast sex maybe a few times a month when I am on my cycle or when we need to be quieter or if he's just needing to feel extra manly on a particular day. 

I can't even figure out what he wants. I would like it to do the fun stuff more often that, but it's hard to plan it when he's not receptive. I mean how adventurous do you want to be after you hand him a note that says meet me upstairs in 5 minutes with a bucket of ice and my black scarf. Then I go up, light candles, put on music, and then 30 minutes later, he's still not up and you go down and he's watching tv and says he was not in the mood (only after I was crying. He just plain ignored me at first -and that had been no fight or anything????? Hello, you could have said that immediately and not left me waiting upstairs for 30 minutes!!! Then to turn around and tell me that he wishes I would be "wilder"???? WTF? I just had sex doing all the work on top and finishing orally to change it up, and spent the whole time talking about how much I loved being his little ***** and the next day, it's "I wish you would release your inner porn star." (i apologize if that is too explicit but I'm just so upset -I have friends who won't do oral, kink,etc., don't like sex, think it's "duty" whose husbands are begging just have to any sex, Then, my husband acts like I don't do enough, but can't tell me what it is that he wants and at same time, he never seems to want it -except at times he knows he can't have it).


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sex in public is a good start.


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

OK, I really don't get him, so brainstorming here...

On the surface, you seem like the kind of adventurous sexual partner many men would kill for. It's frustrating that he can't better explain what he feels is lacking. But maybe the outward forms are less important than the attitude. You're clearly willing to do freaky things, and he's willing to demand them. So I wonder more about the frame of mind each of you maintains through this. 

Do you have a true sense of playful mischief & generosity of spirit, or are you in some way uncomfortable, withdrawn or wooden when fulfilling these requests? It's possible he wants to view these things as an authentic expression of your desire, but then worries you're just humoring him because he doesn't feel like you're really into it. 

This seems more likely based on your followup...the spontaneity he wants would guarantee to him that he's not orchestrating it; that it's coming from you. Right now, despite your vast repertoire, he somehow doesn't trust any of it. I'm not saying he's being reasonable in this, mind you--from many of your initiation examples, it sounds like he expects you to be a mind-reader...frustrating.

Do you feel that his desire is focused on you as a person, or that you're simply an anonymous placeholder for his mental porn tape? Are there chronic frustrations in the relationship outside the bedroom? Either one could make you feel objectified and resentful, with good reason.

Is he truly eager for the things he asks you to do, or is he deliberately setting you up to fail? It crossed my mind he could be suffering LD, ED, or some kind of hangup and is covering for it by asking for the moon, so that you'll always fall short and he can blame you? (Same premise as the great classic Monty Python bookshop sketch) 

Any history of CSA, mental illness?

Does he get off on rejection/denial itself, or the perception of it? Is invoking that dynamic part of his kink? IOW, maybe you're _too_ willing at points?

A less pathological explanation would be that he has some very embarrassing [to him] fantasy and can't bring himself to articulate it--or that its nature is such that he can't tell you how to go about it without negating the dynamic (ie., he wants to be completely dominated/humilated/abused/whatever by a b1tch who's in total control). Maybe he could show you some porn that exemplifies what he's after?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Flip the script.

"Hard for me to be wilder and release my inner porn star with someone that won't tell me what he wants, and doesn't care what I want. Thrill me for cripes sake."


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your husband is a master manipulator. Is he entitled, controlling and self-centered? Does he lack empathy and compassion? Does he use people? Does he watch lots of porn? 

He may have a personality disorder. At any rate he is not interested in having sex. He has manipulated you into thinking you are not enough. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop performing for him. Who is he that you need to behave undignified? He is your husband who should love you and support the best of you not degrade you. He is not your pimp. 

You both need help. I don't think his psychopathy is treatable so he is on his own. Your condition of temporary self-abuse is. Do you have children? If not, don't. I would seriously consider dumping him. You will have no problem finding someone sane.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Ma'am,

What you are dealing w is a trivial situation which you have little to no control of at this point. Might I suggest you download all your bank transactions and analyze your spending patterns by proper subject matter. /sarc off 

Hell, I got horny just reading two of your posts on here. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I get the impression that he's setting you up to fail. Is it possible that his drive is going down for some reason, and he feels bad about it because you're very enthusiastic about sex? He may be trying to turn it around on you so it doesn't have to be his fault.

Also, the whole "be wilder" thing sounds like he's hoping for something specific. He doesn't want to ask, so he's wanting you to guess. It took me a year to figure out that when my XH was asking me to "be more adventurous", he really meant "do anal".


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> My opinion is that he feels his drive slipping, and wants you to pick up the slack....It will not help for long....


Agree 100%. Get him some viagra and let him do some hustling for you... don't give it to him so easily. Lord knows you deserve the rest.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I still stand by my original post. The only addition I would make ( which others have suggested) is that he might looking for something very specific. A freaky little (big) fetish he is terrified to tell you about. I truly don't think it's that his drive is suddenly diminishing. If this woman can't rectify that with all that she has been offering NOBODY can!


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Do you have a sister?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Umm is this real? These posts that describe a man (it's usually a man) who has every negative trait known to humans, makes me suspicious . I'm having a hard time believing that anyone would be this obnoxious and in turn, their spouse be so completely clueless. Seems orchestrated to get strong reactions along gender lines. IMHO.


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> Umm is this real? These posts that describe a man (it's usually a man) who has every negative trait known to humans, makes me suspicious . I'm having a hard time believing that anyone would be this obnoxious and in turn, their spouse be so completely clueless. Seems orchestrated to get strong reactions along gender lines. IMHO.


Really? It doesn't seem to be working out that way; seems like we mostly agree he's frustrating to live with and is acting like a dope...we're just not sure why! Not getting the troll vibe here.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

It never occurred to me that this post wasn't for real. Curious about your comments about the the husband having every negative trait known to man and about the wife, OP, beong so obnoxious ? Can you elaborate?


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I read here a lot but don't usually comment. I can usually smell a troll way beforehand. Didn't see that here at all.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I couldn't even read this 

You seen amazing - would love you to talk with my wife 

Men often confuse sex and emotion. I did - I saw a sex therapist and enforce I knew it I had chosen a bunch of emotional words to describe how I felt about my sexual frustrations. Freaked me out. I thought I wanted wilder sex when I really just wanted her focused attention and for her to want and need me. 

Is it possible there is an emotional connection he is missing in this old sex? Is he so fixated on the acts (like every guy ever born) but missing the interpersonal?

Just a thought. If not that, then i vote for a specific porn fetish - maybe one he is too embarrassed to discuss like pegging or humiliation.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Biscuitmom
you are doing everything possible and more. I have a pretty active imagination and I can't think of anything you haven't tried. Sure he might have something specific in mind - but unless he tells you how can you possibly guess??? You are doing so much more for him than most people do for their partners 

How is he at acting like a romance book star????

You are being fantastic and he is just a complete d&&& about it. He is the problem not you.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Your husband is a dope. Hopefully he wakes up and realizes how good he has it.


----------



## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Biscuitmom
> you are doing everything possible and more. I have a pretty active imagination and I can't think of anything you haven't tried. Sure he might have something specific in mind - but unless he tells you how can you possibly guess??? You are doing so much more for him than most people do for their partners
> 
> How is he at acting like a romance book star????
> ...


Umm, romance is not natural for him. He tries in his own way. It's not the way I dream about but I don't feel that would be a fair expectation. He hates most of the things that I find romantic. He hates wine and champagne (and I hate beer), but he will buy me wine and I will buy him beer. He hates Marvin Gaye, Billie Holiday, and Barry White (the music that I find incredibly sexy) and while I can tolerate his music most of the time, he doesn't think of any music in terms of "this is romantic or sexy" the way I do. He doesn't like giving or receiving massages and is repulsed by feet so definitely no foot massages or toenail pedicures. He hates baths, so no bubble baths together, but he will buy me bubblebath for Christmas (until I said "stop, I enough for 5 years of baths right now"). He's never given me lingerie or even requested that I wear it or mentioned he liked what I wore, but did buy me a boa early in our marriage after I specifically requested it. He's not really a grand gesture person. It's just not his nature. So therefore, I just have to redefine what is romantic based on what he can do. He gives me flowers almost weekly and that is really his idea of being romantic, so that is perfectly fine. I try to make a big deal out of it -was taking a picture on social media and tell the world how wonderful he is until I felt like it was too frequent to post because people don't like constant super-husband post, just occasional. Personally, I think he should give flowers slightly less to be a bit more meaningful, which I think reveals the differences in the way we think that is probably the root of the issue we are having in sex. that said, too often is better than not at all! He's thinking of me (or else he has a mental box checking list). He is not a card sender or a note leaver , and if he picks a card out, it will be sex related or humorous, never mushy. He's not mushy. He does not really do much for holidays other than Christmas, but a decent job of Christmas presents (though I'm easy -fuzzy socks, puzzle book, dark chocolate, coffee-he typically gets it Walgreens on Christmas Eve lol). I do all the planning for anniversary and valentine's because he feels going out to dinner covers the bases, and I find that a bit uncreative and boring so instead of being disappointed, I simply create the romance I want for those occasions. He did do a bit of something for my 40th and was upset that I didn't celebrate his 40th in grand gesture (we were out of town, we were broke, just at Disney a few days before, we typically only go out to eat for our birthdays -which we did when we got back, I was sick, he is an introvert and most of his friends and family don't live local to us, and honestly I didn't connect the celebration he gave me (surprise dinner with friends) with being it being my 40th. In my mind, he was making up for completely ignoring my 39th because he was busy having with his first emotional affair). The fact that I didn't throw him a party led to him having a sexting affair with someone he met on Craig's list because he felt neglected (even though I did I did do the little candy in a pill container as a mini-gift while we were out of town and then took him to dinner when we got home and I planned a really cute themed night for our anniversary 3 weeks later. Again, I failed to meet expectations that I was not aware existed. Hopefully, I redeemed myself because I threw him a huge bash for his 42nd. He admitted he had been self-centered and thoughtless. He did leave little messages on the mirror for me for a few months after I asked for divorce over the holidays, but he fell out of habit when he got sick over the winter. I think he would pick that one back up if I reinitiated it. He actually had some clever messages at times. He used to refuse to tell me he loved me, but since I requested a divorce last year, he tries to make it a point to say it at least once a day. He sends me texts and messages most days that he is thinking of me (usually heavy on the sex connotations though). He will also hold my hand now after years of not wanting to do. We go on dates if I do all the planning and organizing and requesting. He gets mad if I (or the kids if we are out as a family) don't know what kind of food we are in the mood for (even though he doesn't know himself, so I never feel that is fair. Truth is I would eat Chinese food every night lol but he's not that fond of it. I would rather he choose because he's the pickier eater). We fitbit and walk together for about an hour a day now and hike on the weekends and we just did a big whitewater rafting trip that our teen son planned as a surprise for me which was beyond thrilling. He will tolerate a romantic comedy or foreign film every few months and we have our "shows" that we watch together on Netflix. We ride together to pick up our teen daughter even though there only needs to be one of us. I don't think we have a dream romance life but realistically, who does? I think we have an adequate romance considering our finances, schedules, his nature, etc. If I were to change anything he does, I guess it would be that he would do some of the planning and initiating every so often.

And no, I am not a troll. I am simply frustrated that I am somehow not pleasing my husband, yet I just can't figure out what it is that he is expecting. If he is always wanting "favors" than to me that implies he wants something he can get any day (Though I always feel like he implies that I never want sex or do sex enough when that I how I feel about him and what he feels is rejection is not rejection because there was nothing put out to reject, it's in his mind). It's like the definition of "favors" is to read his mind and do what is thinking about or he wants me to tell him what he wants (I swear that drives me nuts. Last night, I was on my knees in front of him on the couch and said "Is there anything you like me to do for you" (as it was supposed to be "his choice" night) and he says, "everything" which is ALWAYS his comment. Well hon, I am not sure what "Everything" entails to you, but you are likely NOT going to last through my definition of everything, so pick something already (no, I didn't voice this aloud-but why does it always have to be my idea -and I really would like to hear him say what he wants -it would be a turn on-and yes I've told him that it turns me on to hear it.). So I proceeded to do what I was going to do until he finally said, he wanted me to have fun too since I won't be home until late on "my night". Then it's "where should I c__" and I just want to shout "I don't care where. Just be a man and make up your own mind for once and if you want to C--on my face, just say so but don't be upset because I don't voluntarily come up with the idea to stop my orgasm in progress to beg you to do it because when I'm riding the wave, that's not what is on the forefront of my mind" (selfish on my part I know). Why do I have to make all the decisions especially when it's obvious he wants something. Anyway, I digress. Is there something specific he wants? Is it frequency? Loudness? Are our routine days too routine? Does every time have to be a performance on my part and no sex just for the sake of sex or closeness? As I ponder this, I am thinking it's the performance that he wants more than sex. Maybe he wants me to beg? I own over a dozen books on sex ideas. I've told him that he can just pick one up and open to a random page or that we can look at them together and make a bucket list, but he has shown no interest in doing that. They have been in the nightstand for 17 years and he's never touched them, even if leave one open on the bed. Maybe I should try to figure out a way to plan that for a night because he seems to have an hang up in initiating requests? I don't know. I don't mind doing that kind of planning if I know he will be receptive, but I don't like to plan things and then he doesn't want to come up to the bedroom or else shows that he appreciates it anymore than just a regular old night of sex (which obviously is too ordinary for him). (kind of like if you get the same reaction whether you serve a tv dinnerl or an elaborate gourmet dinner, which are you going to do the most? Oh how I wish I could just climb into his brain for a day!


----------



## BiscuitMom (Oct 16, 2009)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I couldn't even read this
> 
> You seen amazing - would love you to talk with my wife
> 
> ...


What ways do you think make you have or don't have her focused attention? What makes you feel wanted and needed ?

I think he has issues there. I feel like everything I do is considered rude and not thinking of him. Sometimes, I feel his assessment is correct but sometimes I think he just has issues.


----------



## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

You seem to good to be true! He's got an issue. See a counselor


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My recommendation, get the Fifty shades S/M kit from AnEVE. Tie him up, put a sock in his mouth and paddle his ass until it's red. Since, he does not know what he wants, that should help him decide.

There, you are a wild woman.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BiscuitMom said:


> I keep telling him, "Tell me exactly what you want," and he says, "If I have to tell you, it *kills the spontaneity*"


I agree with others here that think perhaps he is having trouble getting himself to respond physically and he is asking for you to help with this. 

I think the key thing he may be asking for is an "adrenaline rush" to help enhance his sexual response. So if you unexpectedly flashed him in the grocery store, he'd probably get a huge rush of adrenaline knowing that it is something risky. 

So here is an idea you may want to try to test my theory. *"Strip Nerf!"* This is where you and your husband chase each other around the house fully clothed with nerf guns. Whoever gets hit has to start getting undressed and keep running and shooting to try to get the other person nude. Last person standing with cloths on gets to make the other person do WHAT EVER THEY WANT in terms of sexual favors. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Your husband sounds like a passive-aggressive dolt. I can't imagine what you could do to get him to wake up and pay attention.
How old are your children?


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

For me, I just wanted W to pause and think of me. I know it sounds strange, and she felt she was doing a million things for me... But it was stuff I didn't really care about. She got up way way early, made all the kids lunches, did laundry, God knows what. Brought me coffee in the morning then off to work. Before I woke up. Then work,.. Etc. taking care of everything all the time. If we'd did in the couch for a second she'd be asleep.

Do in spending 30 hours a day rushing around I didn't feel she really noticed I existed while she was "caring" for me.

It can be tone of voice, not stopping to look into someone's eyes with the gentle look that we had at the beginning...

And nothing sexual like you do - all on me and only in bed at night.

So this isn't your situation, but the actual activities aren't the issue. It is time to connect.

From what you say you are doing a ton for him. If you stopped it all and then just approached him simply and said think about what you'd like to do tonight together and then we can talk about it in a half an hour what would happen? Then in half an hour just sit and look at him and ask what he's thinking. How's he feeling? Is he up for anything?

Idk he may not know what he's looking for even. He just may feel somethings missing. All I'm saying is maybe approach him the opposite of what you're doing and see what happens.

I think he needs to see someone to help him figure this out. You're a very patient and special wife 

Btw we worked it out and are doing awesome once we got realigned and started communicating better


----------



## Tino28 (Sep 25, 2015)

Two sides to every story we are only heating yours...something doesn't seem right


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Phil Anders said:


> Really? It doesn't seem to be working out that way; seems like we mostly agree he's frustrating to live with and is acting like a dope...we're just not sure why! Not getting the troll vibe here.


It didn't work because of the quality of the members of this community and not because trolls can't spin a good tale. ��
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xicaque (Oct 23, 2015)

Sorry but your husband is an ass. Ou r perfectly wild for me. Wish we could meet.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BiscuitMom said:


> [...snip]I do all the planning for anniversary and valentine's because he feels going out to dinner covers the bases, and I find that a bit uncreative and boring so instead of being disappointed, I simply create the romance I want for those occasions. *He did do a bit of something for my 40th and was upset that I didn't celebrate his 40th in grand gesture* (we were out of town, we were broke, just at Disney a few days before, we typically only go out to eat for our birthdays -which we did when we got back, I was sick, he is an introvert and most of his friends and family don't live local to us, and honestly I didn't connect the celebration he gave me (surprise dinner with friends) with being it being my 40th. *In my mind, he was making up for completely ignoring my 39th because he was busy having with his first emotional affair*). *The fact that I didn't throw him a party led to him having a sexting affair with someone he met on Craig's list because he felt neglected* (even though I did I did do the little candy in a pill container as a mini-gift while we were out of town and then took him to dinner when we got home and I planned a really cute themed night for our anniversary 3 weeks later. *Again, I failed to meet expectations that I was not aware existed.* Hopefully, I redeemed myself because I threw him a huge bash for his 42nd. He admitted he had been self-centered and thoughtless.


:surprise: Your husband doesn't communicate his needs to you and then throws a tantrum in the form of emotional affairs because you can't read his mind. Do you think you deserve to be treated like this?


----------



## sineloco678 (Oct 23, 2015)

You seem like an intelligent, open-minded, sexually healthy woman. My thoughts are probably worth somewhat less than two pennies, and that said, I'd say if you're still encountering these issues, to definitely seek professional assistance. They are effective, and it will take the burden off your shoulders. Also after all this confidence crushing confusion, its would be wise, (tho perhaps less than socially acceptable by western standards) if you treated yourselves to some unbiased, unabashed, an uninhibited time with someone new. Someone to reaffirm for you what your husband seems to have taken for granted. You are an incredibly powerful, sexual treasure, and gift. One deserving of appreciation, respect, and virility. But as I said before, my thoughts are cheap.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Lol you should definitely ignore that last bit of advice!

Just read a little of the devastation BS feel and you'll realize you have WAY more character and personal integrity to inflict that sort of pain on someone you love.

If you get to that point, just tell him the next move is an open marriage - or if he is uncomfortable with that - the end of your current relationship.

H obviously wants you - it's just that we have no idea what's going on in his head. 

Sex therapy way before giving up.


----------



## RAYMOND (Feb 5, 2010)

You are what thousands of husbands would dream of.


----------



## jas4371 (Nov 6, 2017)

your husband has a cuckold fetish he wants you to do other men as he watches mabey gangbangs and black men with big ****s i guarantee this hes embaressed to tell you but if you talk dirty about this i bet he cums in his pants


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i think he is just lazy. Sex, after all, is a bit of work. 
he probably gets horny, wants to have sex...but when the actual time comes he is "tired", or "too busy", or "Walking Dead just came on tv". 
i.e. the spirit is wililng but the flesh is weak.

Does he work out at all? Working out will lower his weight and give him more energy for such things.

Another idea, SCHEDULE sex...so he knows way ahead of time when you expect to get laid.....so there will be no excuses.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

He won't know how great he has it until its gone.

Its a shame.


----------

