# My Husband is afraid of his EX and confrontation



## Trailer_Parker

My husband and I have been married for one year!!! We dated for two years. He has two children and an ex, and I have three children(one grown) and an ex. So together we have four kids under one roof three to four days a week, the rest they are at the ex's. 

My husbands ex has always been a very controlling person, which actually led to the breakdown of their marriage. She is an over-achiever, and her kids are turning into over-achievers also. I am the complete opposite. I am pretty laid back and chill and do not try to control my husband at all, which he loves. 

Even though his ex has a new live-in BF (same dude she was sleeping around with behind my hubbies back) and was the person that really wanted out of the marriage, she still feels the need to control my ex and his kids. She is a list-maker, task-master. She used to call my husband three or four times an evening, especially when we were first dating, to remind him of every tiny little thing you would remind a twelve year old about, and would demand that he do certain things, like run a library book back for the kids that wasn't even due yet just so it was done. He actually gave into some oe these kinds of requests early on, resulting in us having to cancel or postpone dates. 

I have always maintained that she does this because he allows it and doesn't set up boundaries with her. She also maintains a place in his life, god only knows why she would want to. I think it's a territorial thing but whatever. Over the time we have been together, any boundaries that have been set up have been set up by me. example: at first every night when we would have her kids, she would phone right as we were about to sit down to dinner and start some big discussion with my husband, which he would get sucked into, rolling his eyes at me and doing the hand chat thing...bla bla...she finally stopped when I asked her to please stop the excessive phone calls. Stopped dead. 

There have been many examples of my frustration too numerous to mention, and always boundaries set up by me. We went to counselling for this issue and the counsellor basically told my husband that he needed to work on being more assertive, and I needed to be patient. Things were going super great for like two months, and now he has to confront her about some tax credits that she claimed that he was actually entitled to from two years ago, and he ended up paying out a $ 2000.00 garnishment. If she were to sign a paper saying I give up the right to this tax credit, we could get the garnishment cancelled, but she would have to pay back her $2000 that she got back. side note: this woman makes 150K versus my husbands 50K. This is a financial hardship for us to pay this money. He is adamant that he is not going to confront her and get her signature, because he can't handle it. Meanwhile he is getting $ taken off every paycheque, $600 a month. 

He thinks I am being a cow suggesting that if she does not want to sign this over that when it comes time for him to sign permission for his kids to leave the country on vacation, that he will refuse to do it. 

I am sick and tired of my husband's lack of backbone and I am wondering why I even bother. He acknowledges the behaviour, he promised in counselling he would stop, he did stop, and now he's doing it again. I am so frustrated!!!


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## Susan2010

You're on the wrong type of forum for this complaint. I say that because I frequent a couple step parent forums and know just how common your complaint is. Numerous, thousands of second wives could have written your post word for word. If you find such forums, you will find other women there who are just like yourself and in the exact same position. You will either receive some very good advice, or you will receive a whole lot of empathizing. Normally you will receive both, but mostly they will tell you to go back to counseling LOL. 

On those forums, what I usually end up doing is wondering why women like you put up with so much. That is not to be judgmental, but I do have to wonder where you thought he would find some backbone he never had before you married him. Second wives so very, very, very often complain about the ex (birth mom) inserting themselves into the lives of the husband and new wife and always trying to control things. They complain of no boundaries. They complain of being mistreated by hubby because he won't stand up to his first wife (or the children they had together), and he disrespects the second wife (and second family) in favor of the first. But that's the way it was when you were dating, so why do you expect anything different? No, it cannot be explained. Yes, you are right in the way you feel. But how do you expect a different outcome?

At any rate, the step parent forums are great support for those who are in your position. I know one very busy one is down for repairs right now at least until next weekend if not next Monday or Tuesday. It's called Step Talk. Google it and keep trying to log on until they are finished with the upgrades. Good luck.

P.S. You don't mention anything about the counselor you visited, but if you decide to do counseling again at any point, make sure it is one who is familiar with step family dynamics. They are usually most successful in constructing workable plans to produce long-term results.


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## sisters359

If you want to take care of his interests (b/c he isn't going to, and you know that), then get a power of attorney from him, and get the ex to sign whatever needs to be signed. 

He won't stand up to her in part b/c he doesn't want to have to take responsibility; it's too adult for him. Being married to a man like this is a lot of work, first or second time around I guess! Good luck.


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## turnera

I agree. Just accept who he is. I live in terror of having to stand up to people, and you just can't turn it off or on.

Tell him you're willing to take care of it for him if he signs the power of attorney, and then deal with it.


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