# Triggers, Triggers, Triggers - and what to do about them



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

So many posts reflecting real pain from psychological triggers:

Triggers actually feel real. They feel like someone is being mean or attacking you when really they've just been stupid and pushed one of your buttons that they didn't even know was there.

What complicates this dynamic is the other person has their own issues, insecurities that caused them to do or say what they did.

Look at it this way. Men have blue beads inside, women have pink beads and when you come together you explode spilling beads everywhere. Each of you looks at the other and says YOU made me lose my beads but they didn't. The beads are IN you. They are YOUR responsibility. Nobody makes you do anything. It feels like they did but it's not true.

ALL people push buttons. Both men and women. 

Fights get particularly nasty when parties INTENTIONALLY start digging for triggers. But, quite often, the beginning is quite innocent.

Going forward what Synthetic and the rest of us want to learn is to rise to 50,000 feet and stay there. Always observe, always be aware of your feelings. There is no reason to bolt, react or spill YOUR beads. Stay in the moment and consider the entire picture not just your corner of it.

Everyone is broken to some degree, so it's naive to think we're Ward and June at this point in our lives. Even if they didn't have an abusive childhood they're probably divorced and had an Ex that did a number on them otherwise they wouldn't be ex's.

Bottom line is the responsibility of all this lies WITHIN US. We must keep the beads inside. No matter what anyone does to you. If someone upsets you don't run away or react. Stay at 50,000 feet and deal with it calmly. Look at the whole picture. 

A good exercise is list your hot buttons so you can be prepared when it comes.

This isn't merely a fitness test. As we look at new/different partners, they have NO IDEA where the landmines are. We owe OURSELVES our best foot forward.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well said. Our triggers are ours, and only we can control them.

Well said, sir. Well said.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Still learning and trying to be the devil's advocate:

Your post is certainly sound and logical. Romance though is based on vulnerabilities. No two people can engage in romance without finding each other vulnerable. That's proven.

Then comes marriage which takes the whole thing to a new level. I said this in another thread:



> When you marry someone, your first and foremost vow should be to build a fortress around your spouse's vulnerabilities until he/she finds a way to protect them on their own. If they don't manage to find a way, you are still responsible to protect them until the day you are no longer married.


In my opinion it's impossible to stay at 50,000 feet and truly love/be loved. 50,000 feet sounds like cold-stone solid rock with no vulnerabilities. It's a great achievement, but at what cost?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Fabulous analogy! Thanks, Conrad.

I think this also applies to happiness.

It is yours...you have the power to make yourself more or less content, productive, spiritual, creative, wealthy, physically fit, emotionally healthy, etc.

Stop looking for other to MAKE you feel loved -- forge new friendships, even with old friends -- if you chose to open up to those who have the capacity to be emotionally mature themselves, then you will create a bond that makes you feel loved. I'm saying this because it is happening to me. Sure, I miss my stbxh. But the relationships I am now forging with friends and colleagues make me feel soooo loved, because I FEEL love for them. I feel connected to other women after sharing my story and how TAM and some great books (Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford, Awareness by de Mello, etc.) have helped to not only open my eyes, but to take ownership of my problems and my future. My happiness really is in your hands, every single day, if you choose to look at this journey as an opportunity to heal and go after the things you really want for your future. We only get one shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you for this, Conrad. I have many triggers, and when I trip I TRIP.

Bookmarking this, so I can reread it when I begin to feel anxious. Thank you! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Appreciate the post and will check out the de Mello book.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

canguy66 said:


> Appreciate the post and will check out the de Mello book.


Can,

Just a little background.

I got triggered the other night.

After an entire day of waiting on a friend hand and foot - helping get a new phone service initiated, preparing her kid's rooms for new paint at her apartment, buying her dinner, running to H Depot 4 times for extra supplies, going to my house for additional tools - studfinder to help hang a chalkboard, 

After all that? She sits down next to me and says the following:

"Does your STBXW drink a lot too?"

My beads went all over the place


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> "Does your STBXW drink a lot too?"


Was that _"too"_ in reference to her own drinking or yours?


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Was that _"too"_ in reference to her own drinking or yours?


Oh do tell.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Conrad is of German descent.

When I have a work day, I'd say there's a 6 pack in the fridge around noon.

It's basically history by about 9pm

She was referring to that.

For me, the trigger was a comparison to STBXW.

Compounding that, was the word "a lot" - as I often chose to turn to the amber elixir of life following provocation by STBXW.

Once I realized I was set to be steamrolled from the relationship, my personal habits became a bone of contention - a firewall of sorts where I would not allow STBXW to "change me".

After busting ass - literally - all week for my friend, the idea that beer drinking was what was on her mind (as opposed to gratitude) felt eerily familiar.

I don't think she was being mean, just stupid.

But, if she wanted me to jump from the window, she'd have followed her observation with "Hey, my ungrateful kids could really use some expensive stuff."


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Brilliant, Mavash. Great explanation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Synthetic, 

Read Mavash' explanation. I think this is the anwswer.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Can,
> 
> Just a little background.
> 
> I got triggered the other night.


I can see that happening. Your friend should have been more sensitive and clued into things. When I first met my now ex-wife, I was a bit sensitive about being certain matters from a prior relationship. There were triggers, but I called them ghosts. Sometimes I overreacted to things, but at the time, my ex-wife was very understanding and patient (what the hell happened to those qualities?). 

I've learned to count to 10 while I was with my now ex, and that is definitely something I'm bringing forward. I will do my best deal with the triggers as they appear. 

Always good to be aware, because sh*t will happen.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

canguy66 said:


> I can see that happening. Your friend should have been more sensitive and clued into things. When I first met my now ex-wife, I was a bit sensitive about being certain matters from a prior relationship. There were triggers, but I called them ghosts. Sometimes I overreacted to things, but at the time, my ex-wife was very understanding and patient (what the hell happened to those qualities?).
> 
> I've learned to count to 10 while I was with my now ex, and that is definitely something I'm bringing forward. I will do my best deal with the triggers as they appear.
> 
> Always good to be aware, because sh*t will happen.


I was a dumbass.

Here I was extending myself for her and I should have "forewarned" myself that this is when I feel vulnerable.

That feeling you have - readying yourself for the final push on a long day where you're going to experience that sweet feeling of accomplishment.

Totally set myself up.

What she did was stupid - not malicious.

I felt like I couldn't even stay there one more minute.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hmmm, this sounds a lot like disputing one's irrational beliefs in Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Found this yesterday and it sparked a little motivation to dig a little deeper into who I am.

Another gem from our buddy.

For those who have kids with the exes, especially the exes who enjoy twisting the knife... This thread gives a little glimpse on why they do it and why we react so poorly to it.

Found it yesterday and been thinking ever since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Can one become immune to the venom spewed from a bitter ex? When you become aware of what they are doing and why? 

With awareness, can the buttons be rewired to evoke pity instead of anger or shame?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> Can one become immune to the venom spewed from a bitter ex? When you become aware of what they are doing and why?
> 
> With awareness, can the buttons be rewired to evoke pity instead of anger or shame?


Ceegee... You and I think alike.

The Moose Man would benefit from this thread as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> Ceegee... You and I think alike.
> 
> The Moose Man would benefit from this thread as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I am trying to do now. It is working to a large degree. 

The benefits are that, first, the triggers lose their sting. Second, when ex realizes that are losing their sting, she pushes those buttons less and less.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> This is what I am trying to do now. It is working to a large degree.
> 
> The benefits are that, first, the triggers lose their sting. Second, when ex realizes that are losing their sting, she pushes those buttons less and less.


Or they get more creative...

In my last encounter I made mention that D4 and I's bond was growing stronger...

Mrs. RG reply to that was: Finally.

I knew Not indulge into that swipe.

Internally I know that's an insecurity of mine - one she loves to exploit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> Or they get more creative...
> 
> *In my last encounter I made mention that D4 and I's bond was growing stronger...*
> 
> ...


Believe it or not, this is actually on you this time around. Not her. Absolutely no reason for you to mention such a thing to her, given the history.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

06Daddio08 said:


> Believe it or not, this is actually on you this time around. Not her. Absolutely no reason for you to mention such a thing to her, given the history.


Oh, believe me... I know.

Why I believe we all share a part in the dance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> Can one become immune to the venom spewed from a bitter ex? When you become aware of what they are doing and why?
> 
> With awareness, can the buttons be rewired to evoke pity instead of anger or shame?


You may never become 'immune', everyone has weak moments but you will become aware through observing. The key is to not simply focus on her, but also observe yourself.

If you are detached, you will be able to step outside of the conversation or interaction and not take it personal. Typically, sour comments have nothing to do with you at all and all to do with them.

Be it your ex, co-worker or friend.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

06Daddio08 said:


> You may never become 'immune', everyone has weak moments but you will become aware through observing. The key is to not simply focus on her, but also observe yourself.
> 
> If you are detached, you will be able to step outside of the conversation or interaction and not take it personal. Typically, sour comments have nothing to do with you at all and all to do with them.
> 
> Be it your ex, co-worker or friend.


Exactly. Great way of wording it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ReGroup said:


> Or they get more creative...
> 
> In my last encounter I made mention that D4 and I's bond was growing stronger...
> 
> ...


When you seek approval, she will withhold it.

It's called codependence.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MyselfAgain said:


> Brilliant, Mavash. Great explanation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This made me sad.

Yes, Mav's explanation was brilliant.

It's no longer here.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Conrad said:


> This made me sad.
> 
> Yes, Mav's explanation was brilliant.
> 
> It's no longer here.


Do you remember the gist of it?

The making a list of triggers in your original post is a great idea. Awareness of them will lessen their impact, if not outright rewire them.

BTW, your post about the beer and what else she could have said was hilarious. :rofl:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Honorbound said:


> Do you remember the gist of it?
> 
> The making a list of triggers in your original post is a great idea. Awareness of them will lessen their impact, if not outright rewire them.
> 
> BTW, your post about the beer and what else she could have said was hilarious. :rofl:


The cool thing about Mav was that she's BPD and admits it.

She works her butt off daily to fight off the triggers.

Her post was an illuminating view of how the mind of someone who thinks black/white processes non-threatening information from their daily life. Of course, they perceive a threat in damned near everything.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Conrad said:


> The cool thing about Mav was that she's BPD and admits it.
> 
> She works her butt off daily to fight off the triggers.
> 
> Her post was an illuminating view of how the mind of someone who thinks black/white processes non-threatening information from their daily life. Of course, they perceive a threat in damned near everything.



Oh... well, damn. I too, then, am sorry it is gone. That would have been fascinating.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Honorbound said:


> Oh... well, damn. I too, then, am sorry it is gone. That would have been fascinating.


Search on username "Mavash." - and make sure you include the period at the end of her name.

I'm sure there are plenty of them left. She felt compelled to delete many of those where she was responding to me.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'm sure there are plenty of them left. She felt compelled to delete many of those where she was responding to me.


Including the one's on my thread???

She dropped many jewels - hopefully she didn't erase them all.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Fights get particularly nasty when parties INTENTIONALLY start digging for triggers. But, quite often, the beginning is quite innocent.


Certainly guilty of the above statement. 

It must be so easy to fall back into that trap.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Thanks Zappy - you reminded me of another trigger I need to add to my list.

This is an internet related phenomenon that has steadily grown over the last ten years or so. It has bothered me and made me wonder if 'ignorance' (for lack of a better term) can actually spread from person to person over the internet. I see many, otherwise very well written and intelligent, posts where this particular meme crops up. It is this:

"Loose" means "Not tight" or "Release" - ie "The nut was loose and eventually fell off" or "Loose the hounds!"...

"Loosing" is an archaic version of the word "Loosening" that is no longer used. "He was loosening the bolt when the wrench slipped".

"Looses" isn't a word at all.

Yet you can hardly go to any forum these days and not see the above used instead of "Lose", "Loses", and "Losing" - "To no longer have. Lost. To not win.". I don't really consider myself a Grammar Nazi, but this particular internet meme rubs me wrong for some reason (so does pwned). It just makes otherwise very intelligent sounding posts seem... less so. I tell myself when it just happens once it is simply a typo (like in Zappy's post above)... it is only when it happens consistently that it bothers me and I ponder how this has come to be. It really does, like 'pwned' or 'leet', seem to be used by more and more people as the years go by. /shrug

:rant:


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