# Is this pretty normal re: kids after divorce?



## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

So my ex and I separated in the spring of 2021, I filed for divorce in August, she moved out for good around Labor Day, and our divorce was finalized last month. We have two children (13 and 7). When we first told the kids we were separating, the youngest (who was 6 at the time) didn't quite understand what was happening and had some moments of acting out, being clingy, asking questions, but has honestly taken it mostly in stride. She has always been closer to me and that has remained throughout. For example, we have 50/50 custody and they spend a week with each of us at a time. On my ex's weeks, the youngest often asks to stay at my house (we still live in the same town) whereas she never asks to stay with my ex on my weeks. At any rate, overall, the youngest seems to be handling it pretty well.

The oldest has been up and down. My ex had an affair for at least two years before she was found out and we separated. As far as I know, she is still with the affair partner, who was an ex-boyfriend, but has not introduced him to the kids or anything. In any event, my in-laws were all very upset about this and, unfortunately, my mother in law told our oldest that the separation was my ex's fault. I do not think she told our oldest that an affair was occurring, but the overall blame for the separation and divorce was placed squarely on my ex. Of course we all know that is not the thing you should tell children, but my former MIL was cheated on by my former FIL and I think she sees a lot of him in my ex. Anyway, due to that, our oldest had a lot of animosity toward my ex, didn't want to go to her house at all, refused to decorate her bedroom, was rude, etc. All sort of typical teenager things, but amplified due to the separation. 

However, I have noticed in the last month or so that something has changed. I still have a good relationship with my oldest and there are times where my ex and my oldest butt heads, but a lot of that animosity is gone and I would go so far as to say my oldest favors my ex. Again, we still have a good relationship, but she texts my ex when she is at my house, but doesn't reach out to me often when she is at my ex's house. Obviously I want my oldest to have a good relationship with her mom because, well, it's her mom but I guess I am just curious if others have seen this ebb and flow with kids and how they react to their parents post-divorce?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Teenage girls need their Mom.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Teenage girls need their Mom.


They might. But my teenage girl wanted nothing to do with Mom.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Who knows what she might have said in order to bring your daughter around. It’s possible time has passed and she just missed her mom. It’s also possible your exW decided to spin a story that didn’t include taking any of the blame.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I have no doubt the ex has introduced the kids to her new guy. I am also willing to bet they are trashing you behind your back to the kids. Divorce is far harder on kids than led to believe. They don't have the maturity to understand what is happening. They might seem ok, but they are not.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> They might. But my teenage girl wanted nothing to do with Mom.


That is probably because she felt very secure with you and that you loved her. My daughter was the same way, it was like she wanted to be as far away from me as possible with just a few fingertips touching.

But with my sister's girls, they were much more insecure because she was a selfish, neglectful mother who ruined her marriage to their father, and they were very needy with her as young teens. Now in their early 20s, they have very little respect for her, so their attitudes fluctuate depending on what is going on between them, but you can see they are floundering.

So I would say YES, the ebb and flow is very common for kids in an unstable relationship with their parent, especially their mother. From birth, mothers represent safety and security to us...so when that is destroyed, the child (or adult even, if it happens later) can really struggle finding a foundation of stability and security again.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Who knows what she might have said in order to bring your daughter around. It’s possible time has passed and she just missed her mom. It’s also possible your exW decided to spin a story that didn’t include taking any of the blame.


This is the part that worries me. My ex is definitely manipulative and definitely wants to be the favorite parent. I will say that my ex and my oldest have always been close so I do think that plays a role. And I do think that Andy1001 is at least partially right that because my oldest is a girl and is going through puberty and all that, she feels more inclined to talk to my ex about some of that stuff. 

The only reason I don't think my ex has introduced the new guy is, as I said above, she is very much the type of person who wants to be the favorite and I think she wants to avoid introducing the new guy as long as possible only because she thinks our kids will react negatively. Now, I readily admit I could be totally wrong about that and she may have introduced the new guy. But I don't think so. Not to say it isn't coming, though.

As for your comment, LisaDiane, I am pretty much committed to playing the long game and hoping my kids see through my ex as adults. I hope that my ex is a good mom to them as kids but I also hope they understand as adults that if there is any instability to their childhood, it was caused by her. I've certainly seen people post on here where their ex's manipulate their kids and ruin the relationship but I am hoping that doesn't happen here.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> So my ex and I separated in the spring of 2021, I filed for divorce in August, she moved out for good around Labor Day, and our divorce was finalized last month. We have two children (13 and 7). When we first told the kids we were separating, the youngest (who was 6 at the time) didn't quite understand what was happening and had some moments of acting out, being clingy, asking questions, but has honestly taken it mostly in stride. She has always been closer to me and that has remained throughout. For example, we have 50/50 custody and they spend a week with each of us at a time. On my ex's weeks, the youngest often asks to stay at my house (we still live in the same town) whereas she never asks to stay with my ex on my weeks. At any rate, overall, the youngest seems to be handling it pretty well.
> 
> The oldest has been up and down. My ex had an affair for at least two years before she was found out and we separated. As far as I know, she is still with the affair partner, who was an ex-boyfriend, but has not introduced him to the kids or anything. In any event, my in-laws were all very upset about this and, unfortunately, my mother in law told our oldest that the separation was my ex's fault. I do not think she told our oldest that an affair was occurring, but the overall blame for the separation and divorce was placed squarely on my ex. Of course we all know that is not the thing you should tell children, but my former MIL was cheated on by my former FIL and I think she sees a lot of him in my ex. Anyway, due to that, our oldest had a lot of animosity toward my ex, didn't want to go to her house at all, refused to decorate her bedroom, was rude, etc. All sort of typical teenager things, but amplified due to the separation.
> 
> However, I have noticed in the last month or so that something has changed. I still have a good relationship with my oldest and there are times where my ex and my oldest butt heads, but a lot of that animosity is gone and I would go so far as to say my oldest favors my ex. Again, we still have a good relationship, but she texts my ex when she is at my house, but doesn't reach out to me often when she is at my ex's house. Obviously I want my oldest to have a good relationship with her mom because, well, it's her mom but I guess I am just curious if others have seen this ebb and flow with kids and how they react to their parents post-divorce?


They just have a lot to process, and the older they get, the more of it they understand and are able to process.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

For the record, I'm not divorced or separated.

My oldest two are 13 and 11. They know their mom had an affair (it was actually two, but they didn't need to know that much) and that it was the cause of a lot of problems we went through and continue to go through. Their relationships with her definitely do ebb and flow. Sometimes they hate her, sometimes they are glued to her hip, and there is a whole spectrum in between. It has been that way for the past three years, more so for my 13 year old. My 11 year old started it more recently when she was able to understand the situation better.

For this:


justaguylookingforhelp said:


> On my ex's weeks, the youngest often asks to stay at my house (we still live in the same town) whereas she never asks to stay with my ex on my weeks.


I'm not sure if I'm reading it right but, it's pretty common for kids in split homes to want to stay with one parent when it's time to leave. Then swap and say the same to the other parent. Just because she/he isn't saying it to you doesn't mean they aren't saying it to their mom.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> This is the part that worries me. My ex is definitely manipulative and definitely wants to be the favorite parent.


What, if anything, have you told your kids about the reason for the split?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

It's natural for them to miss the other parent when they're with you. Try not to take that part of the equation personally. I'm sorry for what brought about the divorce. That is incredibly rough on both you and your kids.

Over time, looking back to when I was a kid, I had times of being closer to my mom, then my dad, then my mom again. I didn't love either of them any less. 

If your kids are secure in your love, they will know that you have their back no matter what happens with you or your ex. I've noticed despite my son's love for his dad, when he needs help or advice, he comes to me. When he wants to play video games, he knows he can do that with his dad. I might not be the "fun" parent but I think on some level he knows I have his back. He talks to me about things going on in his life, he spends more time with me, so perhaps it's not comparable, but I think once you make it clear to your kids that you are opting out of the competition and are just here to be there for your kids, they will likely adjust. All the nonsense bribery my XH does with video games, toys, and sugary snack purchases, that stuff is still fun for my son. But he also feels happy and content at my house, so I feel like he has settled. The first 2 or 3 years, every Monday after his weekend at his dad's he was cranky, acted out at school etc. He doesn't do that anymore, which I think means he understands what is expected at each home and what his routine will be. He appears content to see each parent when he sees them. And is happy when I call to check in on him when he's at his dad's house. Just try be there for your kids and spend quality time together. Keep an ear out about what your kids say. Kids often rat out their parents to each other lol


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She's 13. Point out to her exactly what you did here and just ask her what changed, or if she has any questions.

Conduct yourself as an excellent father to your children, assuring their safety and welfare. Regardless of the choices your ex-wife makes. Including whether or not she introduces her affair partner, boyfriend. That is going to happen at some point for either or both of you.

The more peaceful and 'adult' your co-parenting relationship with your ex is, generally, the better the outcome for the kids all around. I can attest to this personally 100%. 

If your ex is going off the rails and you have concerns for the kids well-being, as opposed to personal concerns about your ex's conduct, then document it. All of it.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> What, if anything, have you told your kids about the reason for the split?


The only thing I have told the kids is the more generic "sometimes people fall out of love" type discussion, emphasizing that nothing the kids did had any bearing on me and my ex divorcing. I know that at 13 my oldest might understand what an affair is and all, but I feel like I don't want to muddy the waters and go down that road. I spoke to a few child development folks and they said not to share that information until the kids are much older and, even then, not to bring it up unless they ask or it is pertinent somehow.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Deejo said:


> She's 13. Point out to her exactly what you did here and just ask her what changed, or if she has any questions.
> 
> Conduct yourself as an excellent father to your children, assuring their safety and welfare. Regardless of the choices your ex-wife makes. Including whether or not she introduces her affair partner, boyfriend. That is going to happen at some point for either or both of you.
> 
> ...


Thanks, this is helpful. I don't have any inclination that my ex is going off the rails. Although I have nothing but disdain for my ex, I am very cognizant of not saying anything negative about her in front of the kids and co-parenting with her as easily as I can. I just keep my interactions with her to a minimum and those interactions are only related to the kids so I think that helps. If I had to be around her too much, I think it would just irritate me so I just avoid that. As you suggest, I'm just trying to do my best for the kids.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> It's natural for them to miss the other parent when they're with you. Try not to take that part of the equation personally. I'm sorry for what brought about the divorce. That is incredibly rough on both you and your kids.
> 
> Over time, looking back to when I was a kid, I had times of being closer to my mom, then my dad, then my mom again. I didn't love either of them any less.
> 
> If your kids are secure in your love, they will know that you have their back no matter what happens with you or your ex. I've noticed despite my son's love for his dad, when he needs help or advice, he comes to me. When he wants to play video games, he knows he can do that with his dad. I might not be the "fun" parent but I think on some level he knows I have his back. He talks to me about things going on in his life, he spends more time with me, so perhaps it's not comparable, but I think once you make it clear to your kids that you are opting out of the competition and are just here to be there for your kids, they will likely adjust. All the nonsense bribery my XH does with video games, toys, and sugary snack purchases, that stuff is still fun for my son. But he also feels happy and content at my house, so I feel like he has settled. The first 2 or 3 years, every Monday after his weekend at his dad's he was cranky, acted out at school etc. He doesn't do that anymore, which I think means he understands what is expected at each home and what his routine will be. He appears content to see each parent when he sees them. And is happy when I call to check in on him when he's at his dad's house. Just try be there for your kids and spend quality time together. Keep an ear out about what your kids say. Kids often rat out their parents to each other lol


I do think I need to remind myself not to take it personally. That is definitely a good point. Most of the time I am really good about that, but not always. The vast majority of the time I just try to be the same dad as I was before all this and be the same person I was so the kids see they still have that stability with me and I'll always be there for them. I am glad to read that all of this is pretty normal, which I suspected it was.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Obviously I want my oldest to have a good relationship with her mom because, well, it's her mom but I guess I am just curious if others have seen this ebb and flow with kids and how they react to their parents post-divorce?


Hell, I noticed that before I was old enough to marry and have kids of my own! I was always close to my mother. My siblings, though, each went through phases from infancy on where they would prefer one parent over the other for a time. My own kids went through the same phases. I think it's pretty normal for kids who have a set of decent parents to want one over the other in phases as they go through growth stages regardless of whether or not the parents are divorced. It's just more noticeable when the parents are divorced.


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