# Back again. After travel wife comes back and wants divorce



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/70250-wife-went-overseas-child-now-does-not-feel-love-30.html#post2003393

The above was my previous thread a year ago. The good news is that I got my son back to the states and things for a year have been "decent"

Last month my wife went to brazil for a week, this time alone. Her reasoning was that she needed to see a dentist and friends. 

When I would ask who, or say it is ridiculous to spend 3000 to see a dentist she would get mad, angry, yell, scream call names etc. She has been working part time to save for her ticket. I had to pay 500 for a sitter. 

So now she is back and I am going through hell. All she talks about is divorce divorce divorce. Won't sleep in the same bed. Won't talk to me. Etc. 

So 2 days ago she seems to have calmed down, and said we should live together as roommates. Of course I still pay all the bills, car lease, rent on a nice home etc. 

But now she says she started a new "business" in which she brings items to brazil to sell. She is leaving in 2 weeks, again alone, and she told me I should take off work (my business that pays very bill) or pay for a sitter. All the money she claims she will make will be hers so she can move out and get her place at a later date. 

I am so fed up but lost. Don't know what to do. Divorce and see my kid sparingly? Not renew the lease and not have a home? I only have 5 days to decide. Just feel sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I have no idea if she is having an affair. It is very possible. Somebody is influencing her. Could also be her mom. I have only put up with this hoping she would come back to reality for the sake of our son. I can't believe she is just willing to leave her son behind and now just say she is leaving anytime to bring goods to brazil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Don't know what to do?

Boy, that's an easy one.

Go talk to a lawyer so that you understand what your options are.

See, if the lawyer says "you'll only see your kids sparingly if you get a divorce,"

then you'll know what kind of situation you're looking at.

But see, maybe the lawyer will say "let her go to Brazil by herself, and we'll get her for abandonment, and you'll get to keep your son most of the time,"

and, well, if the lawyer says that, it might influence your decision.

You should do something different like actually go see the lawyer, so that you're not posting a new thread about how nothing has gotten better, a year from now!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Cut off her money. Go 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

See an attorney immediately. Whatever you do, don't let her take the kid to Brazil.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> See an attorney immediately. Whatever you do, don't let her take the kid to Brazil.


I have my sons passport. No way will I let her have it. She says she wants divorce so that my son can "visit" brazil and that a judge will allow her. 

At this point she is so unstable it is hard to keep the peace at home for my son as she does not even care. Only thinking about herself.

She works part time and all the bills are in my name. So I have to keep paying them. Not sure how to cut off her money. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> I have my sons passport. No way will I let her have it. She says she wants divorce so that my son can "visit" brazil and that a judge will allow her.
> 
> At this point she is so unstable it is hard to keep the peace at home for my son as she does not even care. Only thinking about herself.
> 
> ...


A judge likely will let her take her son to visit Brazil. She's his mother and you don't get to control where she takes him, provided he's not danger and you get him for your time. Considering she brought him back you're going to have a hard time convincing a judge she's a risk to keep him there. This is what happens when you have kids with someone of another country; marriages fail and they're going to want to visit their country with their kids.

And I really dislike this cut off her money mantra; it reeks of punish the b!tch for not wanting to be married. You don't have to finance excess if you're not going to be married, but "cutting her off" isn't always practical. Just one of the reasons women should be working, because of this mentality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

LEt her go to Brazil without your son, then move out while she is gone.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Hicks said:


> LEt her go to Brazil without your son, then move out while she is gone.


Talked to 2 lawyers today and both said no judge will allow her to take my son out of the country, as he is only 3, and due to the past. 

A custody case will be 20 to 30 thousand. They suggested I let her go to brazil alone, as this is good proof for me that she just leaves. 

Now the problem with speaking to lawyers, is of course, they will say anything to get your business. Nobody is going to pick a lawyer who tells him bad news from the beginning. So when everyone says "ask a lawyer" nobody knows what is true until the final judgement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Talked to 2 lawyers today and both said no judge will allow her to take my son out of the country, as he is only 3, and due to the past.
> 
> A custody case will be 20 to 30 thousand. They suggested I let her go to brazil alone, as this is good proof for me that she just leaves.
> 
> ...


You're hedging. 

Lawyers make "arguments" based on the law. You decide which lawyer best represents your position. The law itself doesn't change from case to case; just the "argument". Your W going to Brazil could be construed as abandonment of you and your child. Ask yourself what would *her *attorney argue in *her* favor? Personally, I don't see much of an argument on her side. Her main priority should be the child, for whom she is leaving in your care. Looks good for you, from where I sit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What the lawyers told you sounds like what I would expect. Judges know that if she takes your son to Brazil she will try to not bring him back. They are not going to allow it.

File for divorce while she is gone so that she is served as soon as she gets back.

You stop giving her money but moving all funds to an account in your name only. Then pay the bills that need to be paid. Close down anything that she has access to. 

Do not give your any $$ until there is a court order saying that you have to give her some $$.

She has a new business right? So she has income of her own.

How long is this trip to Brazil? I wonder if you can claim that she abandoned the two of you?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What the lawyers told you sounds like what I would expect. Judges know that if she takes your son to Brazil she will try to not bring him back. They are not going to allow it.
> 
> File for divorce while she is gone so that she is served as soon as she gets back.
> 
> ...


I am not sure. Week or 2 weeks. I read abandonment is a year. Problem is I have to pay for 2 weeks of a sitter which is not budgeted for either. And run my business. And so everything while she vacations. 

Right now can anyone help with this question. Our lease on out home is up in 5 days. My son loves our home. I do too. Do I renew with her on it? Not renew and look for a more affordable small apartment which will be hard to find? I am assuming I must still live with her. I asked a lawyer and he really didn't have much insight. Said I can move to a smaller place if I want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> I am not sure. Week or 2 weeks. I read abandonment is a year. Problem is I have to pay for 2 weeks of a sitter which is not budgeted for either. And run my business. And so everything while she vacations.
> 
> Right now can anyone help with this question. Our lease on out home is up in 5 days. My son loves our home. I do too. Do I renew with her on it? Not renew and look for a more affordable small apartment which will be hard to find? I am assuming I must still live with her. I asked a lawyer and he really didn't have much insight. Said I can move to a smaller place if I want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I mean is we have a big yard. Outdoor furniture. Entire home furnished etc. Sounds easy to say "just move" but that takes a while. How do I force her to help pay bills?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If a parent takes a child out of the country the other parent has to sign off on it there is a form.
A guy at work here had to do this when his ex was taking their son to Mexico.
It also has to be notarized.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

"Cut her off" financially means deactivate any credit cards in her name, stop paying any bills that only apply to her (gym memberships, separate the cell phone plan, stop paying her car payment if you have one, etc.) and move any money you can to a separate account with you name only. DON'T SPEND IT unless you have to, and only on essential necessities that maintain shelter/sustenance/health of you and your child. Document every dollar you spend, and cease any frivolous spending. (Turn off cable/satellite TV, stop eating out, cancel vacations, stop going to movies, etc.) If need be, it will help if you can show that you are doing everything you can to be financially secure for your child and take care of him first and foremost.

As far as your home... I'm guessing you mean that the deadline given by the property owner for you to sign a new lease is in a few days, but the actual lease probably doesn't end this month, does it? (In my experience, most owners ask tenants to sign a new lease a few months in advance of the end of the old lease) If that's the case, then I'd say don't sign. I bet the property owner will still let you renew the lease next month or the month after if you are still there, rather than find a new lessee and deal with move-in/move-out damage. If the lease really ends in a few days... then I would suggest not renewing it. Make plans to move out without her, find a cheaper place for you and your son. If she's crazy, you'll be calling her bluff and the consequences of her actions will be that she has to deal with having caused her family to move to a smaller place. You'll be better off financially with the smaller rent anyway. If you feel you have to renew the lease (again, I think that's a BAD idea), then at the very least try to renew it without her name on it so that she can't claim any kind of entitlement to staying there. The only value I see in staying is that you can preserve the environment for your son, as judges prefer to not disrupt the kids as much as possible, but weigh that thought carefully.

If she insists on staying with you, insist that she start contributing financially, or better yet, just try to convince her to move out. It's not quite abandonment, but it won't look good to a judge and will make you look like an even more outstanding parent.


It sure sounds like she is in an affair fog with someone down in Brazil. I can't think of any other explanation. That leads me to question if this "new business" thing is entirely a sham, just an excuse for her to continue traveling back and forth to visit her Brazilian lover. Have you had a chance to review her business plan? Does she have the funds to start the business? Has she taken any active steps to progress those plans? Has she bought any inventory to take back to Brazil yet? Honestly, I really think this is all a lie, a cover. If so, don't feel like you have to call her out on it. Just keep taking it seriously, saying things like, "With your new business, you'll be able to afford everything you need. Everything will be fine!" Haha.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Her new "business " is simple. Brazil has huge tariffs so all American goods are 5 to 10 times as much. A pair of sunglasses here that is 100 is 500 dollars there. Just an example. 

So she claims she is buying things here to bring there that people asked her for and charge double. She is flying on a buddy pass so of course this might work once but not in the future to offset high airfare. 

And yes. Sounds like an affair to me too. But this always happened when she would go. Could it be the same guy for 4 years? That she sees once a year? I have no idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Her new "business " is simple. Brazil has huge tariffs so all American goods are 5 to 10 times as much. A pair of sunglasses here that is 100 is 500 dollars there. Just an example.
> 
> So she claims she is buying things here to bring there that people asked her for and charge double. She is flying on a buddy pass so of course this might work once but not in the future to offset high airfare.
> 
> ...


Her "business" is illegal! You can't smuggle in goods to a foreign country to avoid tariffs.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Abc123wife said:


> Her "business" is illegal! You can't smuggle in goods to a foreign country to avoid tariffs.


:redcard::slap:


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> Her "business" is illegal! You can't smuggle in goods to a foreign country to avoid tariffs.


I know. It is absolutely ridiculous. But some of you might not be familiar with childish and spoiled Brazilian woman. Many have the same idea and "business" plan. It is quite common. When her cousin found out she was going last time 20, 000 dollars worth of camera equipment was shipped to our house and ended up on out door step.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> I know. It is absolutely ridiculous. But some of you might not be familiar with childish and spoiled Brazilian woman. Many have the same idea and "business" plan. It is quite common. When her cousin found out she was going last time 20, 000 dollars worth of camera equipment was shipped to our house and ended up on out door step.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, there you go - a plan. Let her go and call the authorities and have her busted at the Brazilian airport.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Abc123wife said:


> Well, there you go - a plan. Let her go and call the authorities and have her busted at the Brazilian airport.


Talk to your lawyer first about your liability in her "master plan". You don't want to be on the hook for any fines if she gets caught before you're legally separated. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> "Cut her off" financially means deactivate any credit cards in her name, stop paying any bills that only apply to her (gym memberships, separate the cell phone plan, stop paying her car payment if you have one, etc.) and move any money you can to a separate account with you name only. DON'T SPEND IT unless you have to, and only on essential necessities that maintain shelter/sustenance/health of you and your child. Document every dollar you spend, and cease any frivolous spending. (Turn off cable/satellite TV, stop eating out, cancel vacations, stop going to movies, etc.) If need be, it will help if you can show that you are doing everything you can to be financially secure for your child and take care of him first and foremost.
> 
> As far as your home... I'm guessing you mean that the deadline given by the property owner for you to sign a new lease is in a few days, but the actual lease probably doesn't end this month, does it? (In my experience, most owners ask tenants to sign a new lease a few months in advance of the end of the old lease) If that's the case, then I'd say don't sign. I bet the property owner will still let you renew the lease next month or the month after if you are still there, rather than find a new lessee and deal with move-in/move-out damage. If the lease really ends in a few days... then I would suggest not renewing it. Make plans to move out without her, find a cheaper place for you and your son. If she's crazy, you'll be calling her bluff and the consequences of her actions will be that she has to deal with having caused her family to move to a smaller place. You'll be better off financially with the smaller rent anyway. If you feel you have to renew the lease (again, I think that's a BAD idea), then at the very least try to renew it without her name on it so that she can't claim any kind of entitlement to staying there. The only value I see in staying is that you can preserve the environment for your son, as judges prefer to not disrupt the kids as much as possible, but weigh that thought carefully.
> 
> ...


Good ideas. Yes. The deadline to renew is in a few days which is 30 days before we would have to move. 

The hard part for me is that my son loves our house, and it was so much work and effort to make it the way we like. 

After talking to more lawyers they all seem very confident I could get primary custody, or at the very least no judge would grant her full custody considering what she did before. My son would not be able to travel as long as I do not sign. 

I also talked to a friend who used to work for me, also married to a Brazilian. I think it must be the culture as our stories are identical. He is stick for similar reasons. 

They also said that alimony before 7 years is rarely granted unless a guy is making huge sums of money. 300k for example. I thank those for advice who asked me to consult a lawyer, because atleast for this minute I feel to be more so in the drivers seat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> She can get a duplicate passport and still take him to Brazil. What can you do legally so that she cannot apply for another passport without your agreement.


She can't a duplicate without me. You don't get into trouble for bringing goods to a country to sell. If the customs officers want, they can just keep what you brought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> She can't a duplicate without me. You don't get into trouble for bringing goods to a country to sell. If the customs officers want, they can just keep what you brought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What bothers me the most is that we have been so lucky. Quality of life improving. She had not one financial difficulty. I am a great father. Beautiful son. 

I think also she has this group of friends , and in their marriages the wife is always gone with the kids while the husband works. Either to go back home to brazil or Columbia, take the kids to the beach, etc. Her mom had a maid and a nanny full time etc. So life for these women is just about play time. I grew up completely different. Although my father was from Europe, I could never imagine him saying "ok later. Going back home by myself"

It all seems completely selfish and every lawyer I told said the same thing. She is only thinking of herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

That is why you need to 180 and detach from her.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> What bothers me the most is that we have been so lucky. Quality of life improving. She had not one financial difficulty. I am a great father. Beautiful son.
> 
> I think also she has this group of friends , and in their marriages the wife is always gone with the kids while the husband works. Either to go back home to brazil or Columbia, take the kids to the beach, etc. Her mom had a maid and a nanny full time etc. So life for these women is just about play time. I grew up completely different. Although my father was from Europe, I could never imagine him saying "ok later. Going back home by myself"
> 
> It all seems completely selfish and every lawyer I told said the same thing. She is only thinking of herself.


The thing is that things are too clam for her. She needs drama. some people feed of the brain chem boost from drama. I get the impression that your wife is one of them.

When there is not enough drama they create it.


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

tom67 said:


> If a parent takes a child out of the country the other parent has to sign off on it there is a form.
> A guy at work here had to do this when his ex was taking their son to Mexico.
> It also has to be notarized.


My wife took my son to Brasil, I had to sign a form that expires in 2 years. (She came back, but I have my own set of problems)


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