# Please offer input/opinion on this text from ex wife



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Ok...so my ex wife has been in a relationship with a new man for about three months. We have been separated for a year now. We did keep in contact for the first 8 months and were amicable, even though she took advantage of me and used me...I know...my bad! 
As of March, we haven't been in contact. I heard through others about her new man. I should state that right after she left, she went wild, engaging in a lot of threesome sex, sex with strangers, sex with my long time friend the night I moved out, and sex at work ( a high school ) with another teacher and a married janitor...during school hours...she told me and I confirmed it!

I received a few texts from her yesterday, out of the blue. I'm going to relay a few things she said in them, and I would like you to offer up your input and opinions, as I'm a little confused. I keep her number because of my stepson, btw...

* How are things? Are you playing ball? Did you get that full time teaching position at the college?
* Are you with anyone? Are you happy?
* Bill and I are moving forward. I met his kids last week. I only realized how much he likes me last week. I am getting my confidence back. He is lots of laughs like you.
* I've always been a one guy girl.
* I cried over all my bills I have to pay. The house won't sell.
* When you but your car, you'll have to show me. Blue is my favorite colour 
* You're a good person. I still feel sad about us.
* I still don't want to live with anyone.
* Coffee soon, ok? Or is that a bad idea?

So, input anyone???


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## SparkyWolf (May 21, 2015)

Sounds to me that she may be regretting letting u go.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

She sounds all over the place! And why did she go so wild after your split? And why/how did you even know about all of that??


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

*And why did she go so wild after your split? And why/how did you even know about all of that??*

...this killed me. A few counsellors told me this was some of the most extreme sex addiction ( if that what it was ) they've ever heard of. She actually bragged to me and some others about this. Even tried to show me a video on her phone of her and a guy having sex at our house after I moved out. She showed this to a bunch of girls at a fantasia party. I saw the beginning but turned away...

I don't know. She was out of control. I think it may have just been a phase of confusion and low self-esteem...not sure, but this was not the woman I knew or married. It messed my head up bad.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Her and her new guy are having problems or she's having doubts about him. You are her back-up plan. "I've always been a one-guy girl". (obviously not true). Bill and I are moving forward. Only found out LAST WEEK how much he LIKES me. (no mention of love between them). I still don't want to live with anyone. I cried over MY bills I have to pay. Did you get that full time job? Are you with anyone? Are you happy?" 

Translation: "I am scared I may have screwed up. What are the odds I could pop back into your life and have you take care of me if this thing with Bill doesn't pan out?"


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Interesting that while she's stressing about bills she suddenly becomes nostalgic over you.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

*Interesting that while she's stressing about bills she suddenly becomes nostalgic over you. *

Yes...I bailed her out with money a few times last summer, as she is on unemployment in the summertime...

I did not offer this time!...not a chance!


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Translation: "I am scared I may have screwed up. What are the odds I could pop back into your life and have you take care of me if this thing with Bill doesn't pan out?"


Ding, ding, ding. I think we have a winner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just sounds like anyone who has separated from a long-time relationship that still wants to keep on friendly/cordial terms with their ex. Some exes do not just completely stop talking to each other after their major relationship ends. I don't see what she says as weird/regretful or vindictive as others may read it as.

I wouldn't put a lot of though into it. 

If the contact makes you uncomfortable, you could scale back on talking to her. Also, those texts were out of context so without knowing full conversations, it's hard to gauge exactly. 

Divorce sucks. It's good you are both moving on.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

*[Also, those texts were out of context so without knowing full conversations, it's hard to gauge exactly. 

*


Yes...I highlighted some of the points I found to be rather confusing...they don't take away from the context of the conversation, really...what I left out was just banter about her day at work, her daughter, etc.

But I'm kinda leaning towards your opinion...that there isn't much meant in all this...

I would not take her back. Period!...and there is no way in hell she'd want me again, after what she's said about our marriage ( all to make her like the victim, mind you ) to her family and friends...replacing me on the mortgage with her aunt...no way...point of no return for her!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Translation: "I am scared I may have screwed up. What are the odds I could pop back into your life and have you take care of me if this thing with Bill doesn't pan out?"


Dead on. Do not take the bait. Co-parent and only discussions about your child. The rest of it is nothing but *her drama*. Gracefully bow out from that mess.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

"*I am scared I may have screwed up. What are the odds I could pop back into your life and have you take care of me if this thing with Bill doesn't pan out?"*

...but why mention how her relationship is moving forward, and that she realized how much Bill likes her...if what you're saying is the case, then why throw positive statements like this in here...I don't get it...


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Let her worry about her STDs and you move on to someone that loves you more than just your wallet.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

deg20 said:


> *Interesting that while she's stressing about bills she suddenly becomes nostalgic over you. *
> 
> Yes...I bailed her out with money a few times last summer, as she is on unemployment in the summertime...
> 
> I did not offer this time!...not a chance!


Don't she left so she needs to pay her own bills. It sounds like she misses the financial security you gave her and she is struggling money wise but I don't hear anything about how she loves you and misses you and wants to be with you. It sounds like she likes the freedom to be with others sexually but likes the security she got with you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

deg20 said:


> "*I am scared I may have screwed up. What are the odds I could pop back into your life and have you take care of me if this thing with Bill doesn't pan out?"*
> 
> ...but why mention how her relationship is moving forward, and that she realized how much Bill likes her...if what you're saying is the case, then why throw positive statements like this in here...I don't get it...


Look at the passive way she words that. "the relationship is moving forward" That sounds like she's passively watching an action. She doesn't say she feels closer to the guy, she's head over heels for him, she's excited about the future. She says it's moving forward (toward heaven or hell)? She also says she is sad about her relationship with you. If she was happy with Yo Yo, why would she be sad about leaving you? Why would she care who you might be seeing? Why would there be any reason or desire to have coffee or whatever with you? 
She's having trouble making bills, so whatever security she had with you, she's not finding with Bill (or she's exhausted it). 

People say all kinds of crap that isn't true. A woman head over heels in love with a new guy isn't motivated to chat it up with an old lover or invite him to coffee. When you don't hear from her for months, that's the sound of her being happy. Her mind isn't on you, it's on New Dude. When her mind returns to you, it's because she fears New Dude isn't going to work out and she doesn't want to be alone. 

You didn't ask about her relationship with Bill but she voluntarily tells you it's moving forward. That's about as noncommittal and passive as it gets and you didn't even ask for that. 

I separate truth from BS for a living. When people provide unsolicited information that serves no purpose, it's frequently a diversion. When their words don't match their actions, they are nearly always lying. Here she is, without a reason to do so, chatting up her ex, inquiring about his love life and his professional (financial) situation, telling him how sad and broke she is, claiming to "really" be a one-woman man and ultimately getting to the real point of the communication "getting together for coffee or whatever." 

Do women in happy relationships sneak around having coffee with their ex? If she's a one-man woman, why is she talking to you? If she's happy with her guy, why is she talking to you?

Do women in happy relationships with employed men have any reason to discuss their overwhelming personal bills with their ex? If they are a close team, why is SHE struggling to pay HER bills? Wouldn't a seriously devoted guy help her out?

She tosses out these incongruous, yet positive sounding statements where she doesn't sound like a gold digging tramp to you. She gets to deliver her message while retaining some small claim to respectability and also to claim deniability should she change her mind tomorrow. 

A completely honest communication from her wouldn't portray her in a very positive light. "Hey, I'm having some regrets. I didn't realize how much financial support you were giving me. It's hard paying all these bills without you. Sure, it's fun to have sex with whomever I want, but I need a sap with a checkbook. If you haven't found a decent woman, how about letting me come back? You can pay my bills and I'll pretend to be kinda faithful, at least until a hot guy with more money comes along."


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Unbelievable, great dissection!

Never looked at it that way...and yes...I was stumped as to why she mentioned coffee ( which I think may be a false invite just to see how I'd respond i.e. it won't happen )

I did ask how Bill was though, I should say..."How is Bill?"...so, she didn't actually offer that up, but I still agree that how she responded fits your analysis...

...when she said I never knew how much he likes me until last week, I'm wondering if he paid some of these bills for her, hence "he likes her"...

interesting...


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

deg20 said:


> * How are things? Are you playing ball? Did you get that full time teaching position at the college?
> * Are you with anyone? Are you happy?


This is emotional intimacy. Why is she reaching out to you for this? Because things are going so swimmingly with Bill, right? Or are they?



deg20 said:


> * Bill and I are moving forward. I met his kids last week. *I only realized how much he likes me last week*. I am getting my confidence back. He is lots of laughs like you.
> * I've always been a one guy girl.


Translation: "Now that I have conquered my current boyfriend, I am now wondering if it is really better than what I had, or if I can do even better." ( the "one guy girl comment" exposes that she is trying to inoculate herself from the fact that she is trying to start and emotional affair with you and betray Bill)



deg20 said:


> * I cried over all my bills I have to pay. The house won't sell.


Translation: "Acknowledge my pain and show me that you care."



deg20 said:


> * When you but your car, you'll have to show me. Blue is my favorite colour \


Translation: "If I can influence your car buying choice it shows me I still have influence in your life and I want that re-assurance, acknowledgement, and emotional spike of knowing that."



deg20 said:


> * You're a good person. I still feel sad about us.


Translation: "You are so safe, secure, and dependable. I'd sooner phuck my puppy dog than you, but you were sure nice to have around most of the time for my comfort.



deg20 said:


> * I still don't want to live with anyone.
> * Coffee soon, ok? Or is that a bad idea?



Translation: " I am just a girl, standing in an empty house making sure you know I am still available"


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

*trying to inoculate herself form the fact that she is trying to start and emotional affair with you and betray Bill)*

or from other affairs currently going on with other guys...

thanks for all this...interesting for sure


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> ...
> A completely honest communication from her wouldn't portray her in a very positive light. "Hey, I'm having some regrets. I didn't realize how much financial support you were giving me. It's hard paying all these bills without you. Sure, it's fun to have sex with whomever I want, but I need a sap with a checkbook. If you haven't found a decent woman, how about letting me come back? You can pay my bills and I'll pretend to be kinda faithful, at least until a hot guy with more money comes along."


The above is absolutely true, but there is more with waywards. They have to be able to rationalize their betrayals. If a WW can remain friends with the BH, perhaps her betrayals were not so terrible. This is impression management fed by narcissistic supply. Shut that down immediately with a firm boundary! 

"I loved being married to the woman I thought you were. You were brave to show me your true character, and I'm glad you had the strength to leave to pursue your dreams". (and say nothing else ...ever)


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

i did not respond to her Thursday texts...and yesterday, out of the blue again, I get this text:

"The lawnmower won't start  "

...don't tell me this...I don't care...I didn't respond...

and an hour later...

"I got it started after 40 pulls"

...again, I didn't respond...I brushed it off...I would never attempt reconciliation, so I will tell her to stop contacting me.

If I was in a relationship, I would not be texting my ex wife over such trivial things...ego kibbles maybe...unreal!


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

It is hard to tell what her motivation is, but rest assured that it is of no benefit to you. This is the tale of the lady and the tramp, gone is the lady that you fell in love with and left is the tramp that emerged in the aftermath. She probably wants to keep you on a string just in case she needs…..something, but she offers nothing but heartache in the long run. She is no longer your friend, buddy or pal she is just someone you use to know. She can look elsewhere for her knight in shining armor. You use to love her, but now that has changed. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference and that my friend is where you need to go. Don’t tell her to contact you or not contact you, just don’t answer, she will eventually get the point. Sometimes you say it best, when you say nothing at all. Best wishes to you and your family.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

deg20 said:


> Ok...so my ex wife has been in a relationship with a new man for about three months. We have been separated for a year now. We did keep in contact for the first 8 months and were amicable, even though she took advantage of me and used me...I know...my bad!
> As of March, we haven't been in contact. I heard through others about her new man. I should state that right after she left, she went wild, engaging in a lot of threesome sex, sex with strangers, sex with my long time friend the night I moved out, and sex at work ( a high school ) with another teacher and a married janitor...during school hours...she told me and I confirmed it!
> 
> I received a few texts from her yesterday, out of the blue. I'm going to relay a few things she said in them, and I would like you to offer up your input and opinions, as I'm a little confused. I keep her number because of my stepson, btw...
> ...


deg20, my input is that you are a weak, soppy mess.

Sorry to be blunt.

Let me explain a couple of things to you.

Your wife ditched you a year ago. She went and had sex with your friend, in the house you JUST LEFT, hours before. She had sex with strangers, threesomes, and who knows what else.

A person with anything even vaguely resembling self-esteem would not stay in contact with such a woman (or a man).
Oh, but you're staying in contact for the 'step son." Not because of an actual biological son who bears half of your genetic heritage.

The technical term for this reason to stay in touch with such a damaged person is 'excuse to continue to be abused.'

You are asking strangers on the internet to interpret texts sent to you by an insane person. Because you can't figure it out for yourself. And maybe, just maybe, you realize that asking her wouldn't do any good because she would lie to you.

There is literally nothing you can do with your time that is more trivial and irrelevant than trying to figure out what your wife means by her texts.

Your wife (or whatever she is to you) does't post on TAM. You do.

So you get advice.

Sever all contact with this person. If you are only separated, and not divorced, SHAME ON YOU. Begin divorce proceedings IMMEDIATELY.

Start living a life that has nothing in any way, shape, or form to do with her or her children by other men.

You're welcome.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Harsh...but its the right advice. Cut this cancer out of your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You were her White Knight and allowed her to take advantage of you and use you. That set a precedent and so she's continuing to try. Just ignore her or, better, tell her there's no reason for communication (and stick to it). 

Users gonna use -- but only if you let them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Notice how she said "THE relationship", not "our" relationship or "my" relationship. That suggests emotional distance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

deg20 said:


> i did not respond to her Thursday texts...and yesterday, out of the blue again, I get this text:
> 
> "The lawnmower won't start  "
> 
> ...


Who the phuck counts to 40 when yanking on a lawnmower? I mean I lose track after a handfull of pulls, kick the piece of crap and try again

Here is my point....chicks that like to get freaky are always the crazy ones out of the bunch.You had your shot with this one, she phucked you over, stop the friends bull crap and stop returning her calls.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

thanks for all your frank, blunt, advice...especially NotLikeYou...

I truly realize I've been weak and too analytic this whole separation time.

The hurt, pain, missing her, and anxiety are gone. She used me, and all of you are correct...i've no reason for contact or ties to her at all...

It was this kick in the ass I needed...truly...which is why I posted this.

I'm done. No contact. Ignore and avoid...

She's a mess that can't be cleaned up. i agree.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Totally agree with Unbelievable. 
You ought to keep your distance with her, she is trying to manipulate you, maybe even get you to feel sorry for her and then touch you up for some money. It looks like the new relationship isn't all that great.

RUN!


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

*It looks like the new relationship isn't all that great.*

This is where I kind of beg to differ a bit...

It seems since she met his kids, and she finally realizes how much he "likes her", and it is "moving forward", that it is starting to flourish...

I fail to see signs that indicate it isn't, really, unless I'm naïve...

I know it doesn't matter to me, but thinking she isn't getting what she thought she had does present a little deserved karma for me....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

deg20 said:


> Ok...so my ex wife has been in a relationship with a new man for about three months. We have been separated for a year now. We did keep in contact for the first 8 months and were amicable, even though she took advantage of me and used me...I know...my bad!
> As of March, we haven't been in contact. I heard through others about her new man. I should state that right after she left, she went wild, engaging in a lot of threesome sex, sex with strangers, sex with my long time friend the night I moved out, and sex at work ( a high school ) with another teacher and a married janitor...during school hours...she told me and I confirmed it!
> 
> I received a few texts from her yesterday, out of the blue. I'm going to relay a few things she said in them, and I would like you to offer up your input and opinions, as I'm a little confused. I keep her number because of my stepson, btw...
> ...


Ignore her. Block her number if necessary, but ignore her.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

There is no doubt in my mind that she is not only texting me, but a number of other guys while three months in to her new relationship...which puts an even greater perspective on what kind of person she truly is.

A few months back, she verbally stated, "I want you to find someone so I'm off the hook". If that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does...among the other things she's said and done.

Sometimes I think I'm so fascinated with the complexity, the ruthlessness, and the corrupt make-up of this woman that it floors me...still in disbelief that I dedicated 9 years of my life to this. I feel shamed, embarrassed, and a chump.

Before posting this thread, I almost entertained the thought of going for coffee with her, but realized two things:

1. She is only offering this to alleviate guilt, and even if I said yes, she wouldn't follow through...

2. She wants to test the waters to see if she can ask me for money yet again.

I won't see her, and won't respond to her contacts. There is no good that can come from any of it!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've had two women leave me for other relationships and they have both periodically contacted me over the years, pronouncing their regrets and suggesting we "get together" for one stated reason or another. Each and every one of their text or calls occurred when they were unhappy in their relationships or when they were in between relationships or when they needed money. I was the backup plan. I wasn't exactly what they wanted but I was better than being alone. I know for a fact I'm not what they really want. Both were married to me and left. They both have been through a number of relationships since and none of their guys were anything at all like me.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

deg20 said:


> There is no doubt in my mind that she is not only texting me, but a number of other guys while three months in to her new relationship...which puts an even greater perspective on what kind of person she truly is.
> 
> A few months back, she verbally stated, "I want you to find someone so I'm off the hook". If that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does...among the other things she's said and done.
> 
> ...


I think this might be the hardest part of it. We did not make a mistake in extending trust and vulnerability into our marriages. Jung suggests the partner we chose was exactly who we needed at the time. Our shame & embarrassment emanates from having chosen a partner who betrayed us. Take some time to rebuild and forgive yourself (IC). 

The person you described is emotionally toxic. Protect yourself from this manipulator by ending all contact.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> I've had two women leave me for other relationships and they have both periodically contacted me over the years, pronouncing their regrets and suggesting we "get together" for one stated reason or another. Each and every one of their text or calls occurred when they were unhappy in their relationships or when they were in between relationships or when they needed money. I was the backup plan. I wasn't exactly what they wanted but I was better than being alone. I know for a fact I'm not what they really want. Both were married to me and left. They both have been through a number of relationships since and none of their guys were anything at all like me.


I find this interesting. I guess I'm a little embarrassed to say that I would get some sort of sadistic pleasure from this new relationship of hers failing.

But seeing the financial bind she's in, her new man 6 years her senior with a good job, and 7 years removed from a 20 year marriage because his wife left him for religious reasons, I have a hard time seeing this unravelling, but then again I may be naïve to think she has changed and will stay faithful/interested in him. Maybe her text that stated she doesn't want to live with anyone was a hint...she said this to me upon leaving me...and she said she doesn't want a relationship, yet 11 months later, she's in one...


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

*The person you described is emotionally toxic. Protect yourself from this manipulator by ending all contact. *

I agree, but why didn't I see this throughout the nine years? Could it have emerged towards the end when she left me? Was it so subtle throughout that it bypassed me?

Of course, in hindsight, I see signs with a struggle she had to be intimate...sex, but rarely intimacy, and massive problems communicating, resolving issues and conflicts, etc., and some red flags towards being faithful ( kissing some my friends on the lips upon meeting them, with me standing right there...)

Had I sniffed this out in the early stages, I would have left...angry I didn't see the emotional toxicity, as you put it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

deg20 said:


> There is no doubt in my mind that she is not only texting me, but a number of other guys while three months in to her new relationship...which puts an even greater perspective on what kind of person she truly is.
> 
> A few months back, she verbally stated, "I want you to find someone so I'm off the hook". If that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does...among the other things she's said and done.
> 
> ...


She wants to test the waters but it has little to do with either money or her guilt. You are a "conquest" to her now. 

Her own ego wont allow her to believe that you can move on from her or that you will reject her.


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