# Tasks that you've learned to take care of yourself now



## HeartbrokenW

Now that our divorces are final, what are some tasks that you've learned how to take care of yourself, that was probably taken care of by your ex-spouse? 

I'll start!

I am female, and since my divorce, here are some tasks that I've accomplished by myself (with alittle help from youtube!)

- Replaced a broken pullcord on my snowblower
- fixed my mailbox after it got knocked over 3 times by our friendly neighborhood snowplow driver
- put together a new snowblower
- put together a new lawnmower

and today..

- I've learned how to diagnose why my gas dryer wouldn't heat. I ordered new solenoids for it, and tonite I put them in, put the dryer back together and VOILA! it works! 

Go me!

What have you learned to do since your divorce?


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## Rowan

I actually had pretty good handyman skills before and during my marriage. But I have done some new stuff since my divorce, and done some tasks alone that I'd only helped with in the past. So far, I've:

replaced my mailbox
tiled and grouted a floor
replaced a couple built-in bathroom vanities
replaced a couple sinks and faucets
installed ceiling fans
replaced light fixtures
taped and finished drywall 
replaced baseboard trim


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## dajam

I am the opposite, I flipped 8 houses while in LTR, took care of her family, my family, my job, family business, mothers apartments and I can basically repair anything. Car repairs, house repairs, computer, all this is relatively easy for me. So for me, what I am learning is how to take care of myself, hard to break all the habits of helping others first.


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## BaxJanson

I prepared myself a swai fillet with roasted asparagus for dinner. A far cry from - if I was very lucky - hamburger helper. Next time, ,a bit less lemon, and a bit more butter. But the asparagus wasn't limp, which is apparently the challenge.


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## SamuraiJack

Nothing really. Im a great cook, handyman and all around caretaker.
But I have learned that I need to actually speak to my needs more often.
Probably the best thing I learned was that when I am done with shopping I can simply say "I'm done."

Who knew...right?


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## Pluto2

I re-did the kitchen. It was one of those things "we" were going to do when we bought the house, but then the ex had an excuse for not doing pretty much anything-still does. So I did it! I also mastered a little landscaping project with some pavers.
I also learned when to end a hurtful situation.


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## Rowan

Pluto2 said:


> I re-did the kitchen. It was one of those things "we" were going to do when we bought the house, but then the ex had an excuse for not doing pretty much anything-still does. So I did it! I also mastered a little landscaping project with some pavers.
> I also learned when to end a hurtful situation.


Oooo, congrats on the kitchen! Re-doing mine is on the to-do list as well. At the rate I'm working through the list, though, it will be at least another 3 years before I'm even ready to start seriously planning.


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## COGypsy

My ex was a HUGE procrastinator for anything that didn't directly involve one of his hobbies or interests. So, post-divorce I am still the one to call and arrange the mechanic, the handyman and the deep cleaning stuff for the house. I hate, hate, hate dealing with house stuff! I'm not handy and frankly have no interest in cultivating that skill so it's far easier to just do whatever it takes to find and keep people that are


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## COguy

I learned how to be a single parent. Doctors appointments, clothes shopping, handling party invites, play dates....

Honestly I would love having a woman handle all of the social engagements, men are pretty clueless. Apparently I'm supposed to "bring something" everywhere I go.


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## COGypsy

COguy said:


> Honestly I would love having a woman handle all of the social engagements, men are pretty clueless. Apparently I'm supposed to "bring something" everywhere I go.


Isn't that funny? NO guy I've ever known seems to know that! I guess you don't have a "gift closet" either? If you don't, you should make one. I don't know how old your kid(s) are, but the parents I know keep a few "boy" gifts and "girl" gifts all made up on hand. Especially since I guess kids aren't allowed to pick friends and have to invite the entire class everywhere they go? I don't really understand that...but it means a lot of presents needed. 

For grown ups, I have a shelf with candles, wine, notecards--all stuff I can grab and take when I'm invited to someone's house. My BF thinks that's crazy


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## TheGoodGuy

COGypsy said:


> Isn't that funny? NO guy I've ever known seems to know that! I guess you don't have a "gift closet" either? If you don't, you should make one. I don't know how old your kid(s) are, but the parents I know keep a few "boy" gifts and "girl" gifts all made up on hand. Especially since I guess kids aren't allowed to pick friends and have to invite the entire class everywhere they go? I don't really understand that...but it means a lot of presents needed.
> 
> For grown ups, I have a shelf with candles, wine, notecards--all stuff I can grab and take when I'm invited to someone's house. My BF thinks that's crazy


Ha! The girl I'm dating suggested the same thing after I had to go shopping for the 3rd birthday party in 2 weeks for my daughter's friends. She said "why don't you start a box of little gifts you could just grab one out of?" I was thinking "isn't that a little creepy?" :scratchhead: "Oh here, let me just grab a toy out of this box I keep around to give gifts to little boys and little girls!!" (read that in your creepiest voice) :lol: Kind of like the old guy on Family Guy that likes Chris - "I've got some popscicles in the freezer in the cellar!" 

I get the concept, it's just that I had never thought of doing anything like that. Now the shelf with gift stuff for adults I suppose I can wrap my head around a little easier.:rofl:


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## COGypsy

TheGoodGuy said:


> Ha! The girl I'm dating suggested the same thing after I had to go shopping for the 3rd birthday party in 2 weeks for my daughter's friends. She said "why don't you start a box of little gifts you could just grab one out of?" I was thinking "isn't that a little creepy?" :scratchhead: "Oh here, let me just grab a toy out of this box I keep around to give gifts to little boys and little girls!!" (read that in your creepiest voice) :lol: Kind of like the old guy on Family Guy that likes Chris - "I've got some popscicles in the freezer in the cellar!"
> 
> I get the concept, it's just that I had never thought of doing anything like that. Now the shelf with gift stuff for adults I suppose I can wrap my head around a little easier.:rofl:


My best friend and I have dedicated entire afternoons to hunting for goodies for our gift stashes. Granted she's a kid-person so we have to find little boy and girl gifts for her stash, but at least we get to end up with hunting for more interesting grown-up stuff. And it gets her a pass to spend time without the kid! Win-win! Tuesday Morning is one of our favorite spots to treasure-hunt!


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## Crankshaw

lets see, I (re) learned how to do *all* domestic duties, cookjng, cleaning, washing, bills etc etc etc, my best efforts were never good enough for the ex


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## JWTBL

I put my house up for sale, which at first was really hard to do and made me teary. But then I realized I was doing everything in our marriage anyway (he was the money earner, I took care of pretty much Everything else) so it would have been me doing it anyway even if we were still together. That made me feel better.


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## Cooper

I am going in the opposite direction, after years of charging thru days at 500 miles an hours trying to do everything and be everywhere and make everyone happy I am learning to do NOTHING!! And by gosh I'm starting to get good at it! lol


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## Pepper123

I diagnosed the issue I was having with my stove... I could hear the ignitor trying to light the gas line, but it wasn't working. It would count down, but never heat up... It ended up being the gas valve. Everyone had kept telling me to just replace the stove, so it felt great to be able to figure it out. 

I have also painted a couple of rooms, done some grout work, laid sod, etc. Not that any of that is hard... but I have a 4bd house that I also have to keep clean, which is its own task. And it is just my 8yo (50% custody) and I.


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## southbound

Guy here, and I can't say that I've done anything new, which shows I did it all when we were married. I can cook, clean, grocery shop, pay bills, wash clothes, and all that stuff just fine.


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## dajam

southbound said:


> Guy here, and I can't say that I've done anything new, which shows I did it all when we were married. I can cook, clean, grocery shop, pay bills, wash clothes, and all that stuff just fine.


Ditto....


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## Pepper123

Men that cook are hawt...


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## daddymikey1975

I learned how to be more efficient with my time. 

I have 50/50 custody of my 3 younger children D4, S6, S8, and full custody of my S11. I also work 50 hours a week, a half hour from home. School is 8 blocks away, so that helps, but time management is crucial and I learned how to do that well


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## Holland

I don't think I have really learnt much but I do take out the rubbish myself now. 

Pretty much anything I need done but cannot do myself I am happy to pay others to do, have always been like this though.

The ex still manages our investment properties and our joint bank account, I could do it but he is happy to, that suits me.


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## Wolf1974

Only two things I had to learn was to grocery shop.....which was a challenge but I got the knack after I found a store I liked and memorized were all the things I needed were

Other things was how to parent single. That has been a blessing without the constant nagging


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## samyeagar

As many of the men here have said, as far as the practical things like fixing things, cooking, cleaning, all that, I have always been pretty good at all of that, totally self sufficient. 

I am remarried, and the biggest thing for me has been learning that it's ok to think of myself first sometimes, and that it's ok to let my wife handle things as well.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Assembled a very clever futon (had the help of my younger son who is a puzzle master.)

Take care of U-Haul trailer rentals including lifting and connecting to vehicle, loading properly, driving in heavy traffic and wind, etc. 

Changed a lightbulb. While this may seem hilarious on the surface, this involved having to shut off the breaker because while I did advocate successfully for circuit breakers and up to code electricity being installed in my apartment building (another task I undertook that made changing said lightbulb safe/r) I still needed to know to shut of the breaker, and when the potato method of unscrewing the broken bulb failed, knowing to use insulated tools even though breaker was shut off...the lightbulb was GLUED to the socket...argggggh so had to deal with the glue that was somewhat liquified from its dried and crusty state as it seemed to be conductive...

Drove in very bad conditions to get to the hospital. Many many cars off the road. 

Dealt with insane neighbor and harassment with nasty dirty trash.

Knocked off dangerous ice blocks from apartment building.
From a ladder with a shovel. 

Fixed toilet.

Change aquarium water and filters, rotate mattresses, etc.

Fix camp stove, shop for and set up tents, trouble shoot stupidly made low quality rain/shade canopies. Navigate in the woods without GPS or compass using sun/light and other topo features as well as time/gait measurements. 

Now for the clincher: these are all things I would have preferred to be doing on my own when in a relationship as I have no problem doing them and they are normal every day activities that everyone should be able to handle. But in my relationships, the guy always took it over, I think maybe the misogynist type that needed to not know or be faced with evidence that a female can do things as well as a male in almost all cases. 

BBQ.

Other things I learned: when not to cook, when not to do laundry, when not to clean...
I think sometimes I hid in these activities because I knew I could be left alone while doing them. lol. Now I have days where I deliberately don't cook, fighting off the instinct to do so. I re-wear clothes after giving them a good sniff test. Etc. Sometimes a sweep and a quick wipe are all that's required in cleaning. I am also good at the timing of projects, some things can be left alone and staged until it makes sense to do the next bit of work on it.


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## samyeagar

It is interesting looking at the answers and then gender. It seems as if women are more likely to learn how to do things the man traditionally does, IE learn the traditional male gender role, than the men learning the female gender role because the men already know how to do most of those things for themselves.

Another way to look at is it that the women seem to have learned more practical day to day living things where as the men have learned more of the social, emotional things.


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## COguy

samyeagar said:


> It is interesting looking at the answers and then gender. It seems as if women are more likely to learn how to do things the man traditionally does, IE learn the traditional male gender role, than the men learning the female gender role because the men already know how to do most of those things for themselves.
> 
> Another way to look at is it that the women seem to have learned more practical day to day living things where as the men have learned more of the social, emotional things.



If we were living 50 years ago I'm sure the answer would be different. But I think with most families today the man and woman share household responsibilities so it's not like guys don't know how to do laundry or cook or clean the house.


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## southbound

Pepper123 said:


> Men that cook are hawt...


Sadly, my x wife apparently didn't think so. I guess acts of service wasn't her love language.


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## Rowan

COguy said:


> If we were living 50 years ago I'm sure the answer would be different. But I think with most families today the man and woman share household responsibilities so it's not like guys don't know how to do laundry or cook or clean the house.


For some folks, it's still much the same as it would have been 50 years ago. A year post-divorce my ex-husband is still in the process of learning to cook, buy groceries, do laundry, clean the house, and handle his social and family obligations. His mom, his girlfriend, and our son have been teaching him.


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## Betrayedone

All of you women on this thread, and men also.............If I am good at one thing it's fixing things things........If you have questions feel free to ask me and I will gladly give you advice........I may be a pilot and some other crap but I KNOW how to fix things. Let me help you.........D


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## HeartbrokenW

Well....new solenoids in my gas dryer lasted for exactly two loads. Now it won't heat again. When I look through the little peep hole, I see red glow but it won't light ... any ideas before I just go buy a new one?


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## Holland

Betrayedone said:


> All of you women on this thread, and men also.............If I am good at one thing it's fixing things things........If you have questions feel free to ask me and I will gladly give you advice........I may be a pilot and some other crap but I KNOW how to fix things. Let me help you.........D


Very nice of you to offer to help 

My only real problem is not fixable and TBH it does annoy me at times. It is lack of strength, if only I was stronger I could do more of the things that I have to wait around for my partner or others to help with. Am going to start pilates this week to try and build up some core strength.

I get so impatient that I start moving furniture or heavy things without help then do my back on a regular basis.

Come to think or it I need to build strength and learn to be more patient, then I could do pretty much everything that needs to be done.


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## Pluto2

Betrayedone said:


> All of you women on this thread, and men also.............If I am good at one thing it's fixing things things........If you have questions feel free to ask me and I will gladly give you advice........I may be a pilot and some other crap but I KNOW how to fix things. Let me help you.........D


OK. While I reno'd the kitchen I did not replace the dishwasher.
Now it gets "stuck" in the middle of the cycle until someone give the dial a little push forward. I think I've narrowed it down to either the timer or the thermostat. Do you have any idea how to narrow it down further. I don't want to make two repairs.


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## EnjoliWoman

I learned even more about cars. Mostly I just got more comfortable doing things I already knew how to do. My Dad was very handy and I was his shadow so I learned about all sorts of random things. I just have more of an opportunity to apply and expand the knowledge.

Next major project is master bath renovation. I'd love to do it myself but it would just take too long, too much research, etc. and I found out a permit is required when any plumbing is on an outside wall (why this makes a difference is beyond me).

I want to remove the 34x34 tile shower, 10' dividing half wall and 36x60 jacuzzi tub and instead put in a 36x60 shower stall which is in front of a picture window - using glass block in the window and NO FREAKING TILE. Screw whoever says it's an upgrade. It's a complete PITA to keep clean, grout lines crack and mildew quickly... it's awful stuff. And I want a linen closet where the old shower is - I only have a small triangular shaped linen closet off the main hall right now - vacuum barely fits in there, shelves are narrow - 8" deep. All of the plumbing will line up (drain and faucet) with current lines except the shower would have to be capped off in the wall.

I can handle sheet rock work, just not plumbing. And the glass block - I have some ideas but waterproofing the frame around may be tough as it currently has a tile sill. I'm thinking after removing tile and measuring, build out frame with composite 'wood' in white so there's no rot and butting the fiberglass panels up to the composite and using exterior mildew resistant silicone to seal... any ideas on that?


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## Pluto2

EnjoliWoman said:


> I learned even more about cars. Mostly I just got more comfortable doing things I already knew how to do. My Dad was very handy and I was his shadow so I learned about all sorts of random things. I just have more of an opportunity to apply and expand the knowledge.
> 
> Next major project is master bath renovation. I'd love to do it myself but it would just take too long, too much research, etc. and I found out a permit is required when any plumbing is on an outside wall (why this makes a difference is beyond me).
> 
> I want to remove the 34x34 tile shower, 10' dividing half wall and 36x60 jacuzzi tub and instead put in a 36x60 shower stall which is in front of a picture window - using glass block in the window and NO FREAKING TILE. Screw whoever says it's an upgrade. It's a complete PITA to keep clean, grout lines crack and mildew quickly... it's awful stuff. And I want a linen closet where the old shower is - I only have a small triangular shaped linen closet off the main hall right now - vacuum barely fits in there, shelves are narrow - 8" deep. All of the plumbing will line up (drain and faucet) with current lines except the shower would have to be capped off in the wall.
> 
> I can handle sheet rock work, just not plumbing. And the glass block - I have some ideas but waterproofing the frame around may be tough as it currently has a tile sill. I'm thinking after removing tile and measuring, build out frame with composite 'wood' in white so there's no rot and butting the fiberglass panels up to the composite and using exterior mildew resistant silicone to seal... any ideas on that?


If you want to be sure, you could line the area with cementboard before applying the fiberglass sheets.


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## EnjoliWoman

Pluto2 said:


> If you want to be sure, you could line the area with cementboard before applying the fiberglass sheets.


Well that's required by code. I guess it's the trim and sealing I'm more concerned with. Although there are rubber flanges that can be cut and attached the the edges of the fiberglass that create a seal I'd still want to use silicone on corners and under that flange to make sure that was water tight. I want it to look good and be functional. Right now there are hairline cracks all in the grout and I've used caulk trying to keep it water tight until I could afford the reno - I don't want to make a choice that ends up with me doing more of the bandaid fixes all of the time. I want it done, then regular weekly cleaning and nothing else to maintain for a very long time.

I hate the idea of paying someone else to do this but it might be the way to go. *sigh*


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## Rowan

EnjoliWoman said:


> I hate the idea of paying someone else to do this but it might be the way to go. *sigh*


Honestly, you might be best served to hire this out. I'll do a lot of fix-it stuff myself, but I try very hard not to mess with wall penetrations in wet areas. Scares me to death. Just make sure whomever you hire has a lot of experience with doing windows in showers. And a lot of happy customers who are still happy 10-15 years down the road. It can take a few years for problems in this type of installation to show up. 

By the way, that your current tile grout has hairline cracks all over means it probably wasn't installed properly to start with. A lot of homes have some _really_ shady stuff going on behind the tile.


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## EnjoliWoman

It's white tile and the lower 4-5 rows have a little darker shade, too, and I don't recall it always being that way. I wonder if there is damp behind it all. Ug. I also had tiny ants comeing through a tiny hole in the grout. A friend who recently had her bathroom redone said they are attracted to water and there was a HUGE nest in her wall. I don't want to wait too long because I don't want structural issues from the potential rot as this is on a load bearing external wall. 

It's one of those things that could be routine and cosmetic or the more is ripped out in demo the worse stuff I could find and end up costing 3x the projected amount. So I'm leery of even starting this one but worry the longer I wait, the more potential damage done.

Ug. 

Oh on topic, here is what I learned:

1. NEVER BUY A HOUSE BUILT ON A SLAB. Tons of issues are harder to fix. New water lines are now in the attic because finding the leak meant jackhammering up the entire floor.

2. NEVER BUY A 25y/o HOUSE. That is right when tons of things start to go wrong. 15 years, fine. 35 years, likely already remodeled. 25 seems to be that awful sweet spot of homeowner hell.


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## Rowan

Yup. My house was built in 1995, so it's pushing 20 years old. And all sorts of fun things are starting to wear out, run down and otherwise expire.  In the next 5 years or so, I'm going to be doing a lot of replacements and repairs. 

Oh, and cracks, discolored grout and ants? Yeah, that's a bunch of red flags for a bad/failed tile install there. You probably do have moisture behind the tile. Sorry.


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## Holland

I have just moved into my "new" home, fully renovated from roof to floors, new kitchen, bathrooms, small extension, fully rewired and replumbed. I did the parts I could such as demo and painting.
But I did act as helper to some of the trades to shorten their time here.

Where I did save money was to project manage it myself and source much of the materials. Sometimes it is better to pay others to get things done, right and much quicker than you can. They have the tools and trade experience.
I designed everything myself including drawing up the wiring plans for electricals, alarm and comms. But as for hard labor, I don't have the physical strength or stamina.


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## EnjoliWoman

Holland - that's what I want to do - I can do demo, then framing, hang sheetrock or green board and all of the paint. I'd kind of rather have someone else frame the closet door so I know it's plumb and I'd rather have someone else do anything that could result in water damage if not done correctly. I've drawn up the plans - two options, one with a larger shower stall unit and a standard soaking tub with a shelving nook in the dividing wall and the other with the very large shower with built-in seat and a linen closet. At least either way drains align and water lines don't have to be moved. Although in the second scenario they do need to be properly capped.


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## WasDecimated

Well, I am one of those guys that can do and fix pretty much anything...appliance and auto repair, plumbing, electrical...etc. I practically rebuilt our home single handedly. I've always prided myself at being self-sufficient. Because my XWW withdrew the last couple years of our marriage, I found myself doing most of the laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning. These were tasks that we shared before her affair. Now that I'm divorced, nothing has really changed for me. There was no transition. I still do the same tasks I did before.

The transition was much tougher for her. She went from being the princess and doing very little around the house to having to do everything for herself. On top of that, she has to work twice the hours she use to work just to pay her bills. :rofl:


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## EnjoliWoman

I love that in a guy. I'm sure that's a "Daddy" thing - one of the ways I look for someone like him.

It's so nice to be able to mention the washer isn't draining or the car is sputtering and have a guy at least know where to start and the basics to check without always having to pay a professional when often these things are minor.


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## samyeagar

EnjoliWoman said:


> I love that in a guy. I'm sure that's a "Daddy" thing - one of the ways I look for someone like him.
> 
> It's so nice to be able to mention the washer isn't draining or the car is sputtering and have a guy at least know where to start and the basics to check without always having to pay a professional when often these things are minor.


One of the things my wife was looking for, and that she really loves about me


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## samyeagar

Decimated said:


> Well, I am one of those guys that can do and fix pretty much anything...appliance and auto repair, plumbing, electrical...etc. I practically rebuilt our home single handedly. I've always prided myself at being self-sufficient. Because my XWW withdrew the last couple years of our marriage, I found myself doing most of the laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning. These were tasks that we shared before her affair. Now that I'm divorced, nothing has really changed for me. There was no transition. I still do the same tasks I did before.
> 
> The transition was much tougher for her. She went from being the princess and doing very little around the house to having to do everything for herself. On top of that, she has to work twice the hours she use to work just to pay her bills. :rofl:


This pretty much describes my ex wife and I, though she still hasn't figured out that she actually needs to get a job...the alimony goes away in two and a half years, and she won't have me to pay for everything for her any more.

The one thing I have noticed about being completely self sufficient...it has actually caused some issues with my wife. In the broad sense, I have heard how attractive a man who can cook, clean, do laundry, a man who IS self sufficient, is to women, but does that carry over into reality?

I'm not talking about the whole vacuum your way into her pants, because I think that's a load of crap, but I have heard plenty of women say they want a husband that they don't have to be a mother to, but at the same time...as my wife has said, and I have heard other women who have self sufficient husbands say, it's kind of a double edged sword because he doesn't NEED her for any of that, that it really affects their feelings of usefulness in the relationship.


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## EnjoliWoman

samyeagar said:


> This pretty much describes my ex wife and I, though she still hasn't figured out that she actually needs to get a job...the alimony goes away in two and a half years, and she won't have me to pay for everything for her any more.
> 
> The one thing I have noticed about being completely self sufficient...it has actually caused some issues with my wife. In the broad sense, I have heard how attractive a man who can cook, clean, do laundry, a man who IS self sufficient, is to women, but does that carry over into reality?
> 
> I'm not talking about the whole vacuum your way into her pants, because I think that's a load of crap, but I have heard plenty of women say they want a husband that they don't have to be a mother to, but at the same time...as my wife has said, and I have heard other women who have self sufficient husbands say, it's kind of a double edged sword because he doesn't NEED her for any of that, that it really affects their feelings of usefulness in the relationship.


I can tell you the reverse is true. Men don't like women who know a little bit about "man" stuff. It takes a strong, confident, knowledgeable man to not feel threatened. Unfortunately, those are difficult to find or they are already taken.


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## samyeagar

EnjoliWoman said:


> I can tell you the reverse is true. Men don't like women who know a little bit about "man" stuff. It takes a strong, confident, knowledgeable man to not feel threatened. Unfortunately, those are difficult to find or they are already taken.


No doubt you are right  The thing I find funny about it...both men and women sometimes feel threatened when their traditional gender role is infringed upon, yet women are told to let their man do the "manly" stuff so they can feel manly and useful, but men are told to do the "womanly" stuff so she doesn't feel so burdened...


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## SamuraiJack

EnjoliWoman said:


> I can tell you the reverse is true. Men don't like women who know a little bit about "man" stuff. It takes a strong, confident, knowledgeable man to not feel threatened. Unfortunately, those are difficult to find or they are already taken.


Some women dont like that I can cook circles around them. 
By the time we get to our ages, we should have a treasure trove of useful and silly knowledge that come with our baggage.

I welcome women with broad and diverse skill sets. 
That way when I am working and they say "I can help"..they really CAN!

My GF decided to mow my lawn...with my tractor...took her two minutes to learn it and then she was off. So I did what any sane man would do. I went back inside, cooked gumbo and brought her lemonade about 30 minutes into her adventure.

Life is too short to worry about sexist things like who is supposed to know what.


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## EnjoliWoman

Agreed.  My ideal mate would be happy I could help with DIY projects around the house and I'd be happy he could cook with me.


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## samyeagar

EnjoliWoman said:


> Agreed.  My ideal mate would be happy I could help with DIY projects around the house and I'd be happy he could cook with me.


That is the ideal isn't it?  Working together, helping eachother, truly being partners.


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## ne9907

Taking my car to the dealership and getting an oil change.

Being accountable for MY emotions.


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## Holland

samyeagar said:


> This pretty much describes my ex wife and I, though she still hasn't figured out that she actually needs to get a job...the alimony goes away in two and a half years, and she won't have me to pay for everything for her any more.
> 
> The one thing I have noticed about being completely self sufficient...it has actually caused some issues with my wife. In the broad sense, *I have heard how attractive a man who can cook, clean, do laundry, a man who IS self sufficient, is to women, but does that carry over into reality?*
> 
> I'm not talking about the whole vacuum your way into her pants, because I think that's a load of crap, but I have heard plenty of women say they want a husband that they don't have to be a mother to, but at the same time...as my wife has said, and I have heard other women who have self sufficient husbands say, it's kind of a double edged sword because he doesn't NEED her for any of that, that it really affects their feelings of usefulness in the relationship.


For me, yes. A lazy, incapable man is a major turn off, a man that is self sufficient is my kind of man. I have never been the mothering type and would hate to be with a man that would need mothering or that would put up with it.

Mostly life is about team work here, we both cook, clean and work on household things together. I do love to do special things for him though and mainly because it is not expected and because he does special things for me. Mr H has always ironed his own shirts and still does but I like to surprise him by doing it for him occasionally, I think about him while doing it (yes I am a crazy sop) and I know he appreciates the effort I make.

He will often tell me how in awe of me he is. His ex wife did not do housework or work out of the house, he did EVERYTHING including working a very demanding job, looking after the kids and coming home after a long day to have to wash, cook and clean. 
I am the complete opposite and run my household very well, have time for volunteering, run around after kids, work part time and still have energy and huge desire for him and our sex life.

We cook together a few night per week, it is our time to unwind, have a wine and chat.

Feeling very happy today, life here is very well balanced with both our needs being met. I need to be independent but also part of a team, he is the same. We don't smother or ignore each other.


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## oceanbreeze

I'm learning to re-focus on my hobbies that make me happy, socializing again, and meeting new friends. Everything else, I used to do it all or find someone to do it for "us."


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## EnjoliWoman

I'm about to learn now to replace front brake pads. I'm borrowing some digital calipers from a guy here at the office so I can see if I need to replace the rotors as well. They are original and have been turned once. I have a feeling they will have to be replaced, too - I'm not so comfortable with that. I read once they are pulled off, often the pre-packed bearing thingy breaks. I'd be screwed with no way to repair it and no way to go get any parts. So step 1 is to measure the rotor. If it's too thin, I'll just take to a shop.


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## samyeagar

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm about to learn now to replace front brake pads. I'm borrowing some digital calipers from a guy here at the office so I can see if I need to replace the rotors as well. They are original and have been turned once. I have a feeling they will have to be replaced, too - I'm not so comfortable with that. I read once they are pulled off, often the pre-packed bearing thingy breaks. I'd be screwed with no way to repair it and no way to go get any parts. So step 1 is to measure the rotor. If it's too thin, I'll just take to a shop.


Rotors are a snap on most cars. They simply slide right off. If they are the originals and have already been resurfaced once, I'd probably just replace them as they will have to be resurfaced anyway in the course of changing the pads.

Here's a tip for you...you can get a brake pad spreader tool at Auto Zone for about $10. 

http://www.autozone.com/autozone/accessories/OEM-Disc-brake-pad-spreader/_/N-26l5?itemIdentifier=141493_0_0_

Pop the cap off the master cylinder and compress the caliper piston, the piston will go in and the fluid will just go back up into the master cylinder so you don't have to open the break lines and bleed the brakes...same a lot of time, and headache.


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## EnjoliWoman

It doesn't look difficult but everything I have read about my make/model says if the rotors have been on there a long time, there's a good chance of breaking the pre-packed wheel bearing housing. As a single person with no other car, I'd be pretty screwed or have to call for help to go get wheel bearings. I hate calling for help. 

If the digital calipers read anywhere near 21mm on the rotor I'll have to replace them.

Oh and I got a quote just in case - $262.73 parts, labor and tax.


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## Pluto2

EnjoliWoman said:


> It doesn't look difficult but everything I have read about my make/model says if the rotors have been on there a long time, there's a good chance of breaking the pre-packed wheel bearing housing. As a single person with no other car, I'd be pretty screwed or have to call for help to go get wheel bearings. I hate calling for help.
> 
> If the digital calipers read anywhere near 21mm on the rotor I'll have to replace them.
> 
> Oh and I got a quote just in case - $262.73 parts, labor and tax.


You are my new hero. I know you have support from your Dad and all, but never would I have the guts to take this on. You go girl!


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## EnjoliWoman

Nothing heroic, Pluto. Born of necessity. When my dryer broke I deduced it was the belt since it still turned on but the inner drum didn't turn so I just googled the make and model plus "belt" and there were utube videos on how to do it. I watched it twice, pulled the dryer apart, watched it once more and did it. This is the same way. I constantly research first.


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## COguy

EnjoliWoman said:


> Nothing heroic, Pluto. Born of necessity. When my dryer broke I deduced it was the belt since it still turned on but the inner drum didn't turn so I just googled the make and model plus "belt" and there were utube videos on how to do it. I watched it twice, pulled the dryer apart, watched it once more and did it. This is the same way. I constantly research first.


LOL I'm the same way...I'm going to have to replace my starter soon......thank god for YouTube or I'd be out a few hundred bucks.


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## poppyseed

COguy said:


> LOL I'm the same way...I'm going to have to replace my starter soon......thank god for YouTube or I'd be out a few hundred bucks.


:iagree: YouTube, you rock!! :rofl::smthumbup:


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## Pluto2

well, today I am apparently going to learn how to repair the metal frame around a sliding patio door that just broke.....youtube here I come.


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## EnjoliWoman

Turns out rotors are fine and so are the brake pads. Not sure why I'm getting the occasional mild screeching unless the wear indicator has shifted out of place. So I took it to a mechanic who agreed the brakes were fine (he checked all of them) and the wear indicators were in place. He asked if the sound was always first thing in the morning and suggested it could be rust on the rotors from sitting overnight with our high levels of humidity and that once that is ground off, the brakes don't screech. So I'm going to pay more attention to exactly when I hear it.

So no brake job.

Instead of paying for that I found my garbage disposal has a leak. Fortunately my neighbor is a plumber and he's install it for cheap.


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## Pluto2

glad your brakes are fine. And now the garbage disposal......its always something, isn't it.


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## EnjoliWoman

This isn't a "task" but I've learned:

- I never want another house on a slab. Ever.
- The 'sweet spot' for a home needing significant repairs is 25-35 years. I've replaced the roof, the AC, all water lines and now the disposal and dishwasher. Next thing will be hot water heater. Any day now. Probably in the dead of winter when it's 20 degrees outside.


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