# Feeling Weak Today



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

I guess I've now graduated to the "Going Through" board and will leave the "Considering" behind. Wow. What a year this has been!

I'm feeling weak today. My head knows that she's pathologically unhealthy, and that even if she commits to therapy - which she hasn't - there's no guarantee that she'll ever get better. But she won't even acknowledge she has any problems.

But I'm still feeling weak today. My heart is making me feel guilty for doing something my head knows is necessary.

I'm not going to ask to come back home. But I wonder how I'll react if she softens her stance and asks me to come back. Right now, she's moving ahead full-bore. She has a meeting of her own with a lawyer tomorrow. That meeting might help ease her fears about the future, or it might sober her up about what lies ahead. 

I hope she doesn't decide to ask me to move back in based purely on what the lawyer says. If she's going to try to change to keep me, I want her to do it because she wants to. Not because she realized the budget will suffer.

Part of me keeps asking myself....it really was as bad as I think it was, wasn't it?

It's funny. I came on this forum originally for advice on how to make things better. As it turns out, this has become something like a journal for me, to look back on my previous postings and remind myself that it really was that bad.

But days when my emotions are down like today, I really do doubt myself.

Of course, it's not like there's a bed for me to go back to anyway.....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Oh wow, this really touched me for some reason that I can't quite put my finger on. It is tough isn't it? The second gessing will drive you nuts. I am two months into my seperation, and am just now feeling the second guessing going away more than staying.

You seem to have your head going in the right direction, and like all things, there is a time to lead with your heart, but this is not one of those times. Let your heart break, and your head lead for a while and you'll get through it. We're all here for you.


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

I'm right here with you man... I've been separated for 3 weeks or so after a 4 1/2 yrs of marriage. The guilt and second guessing has just begun and I shed my first tear about the whole thing today. I tried to be rigid about it on the outside and act like I'm not bothered by it at all, but I now see that grieving is not only normal, but in a way neccessary. I even went to church for the first time since I've been married. It's hard to handle the day to day grind when your heart is heavy and your mind is all over the place. This site is like therapy and I'm glad to hear all of your stories and lean on you guys as well as support you all. Stay strong bro!


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

I got a call from an old friend today. He said my wife went to our church and told our friends that I had left her to go live with some college students, that I refused to go to counseling, and that I was divorcing her for no good reason.

In fact, our small group leader got up and announced: "I have some bad news....(hurtnohio) has left his family and has moved in with some college students. Let's pray for him that he gets his head back on straight and comes back where he belongs."

My friend said he almost had a stroke about that one.

He confronted our small group leader about it privately. Said he didn't have a right to trash me like that without hearing my side of the story. The leader elaborated on a lot of what she had told him. It was basically all a lot of distortions and half-truths of a lot of the incidents I've documented here over the past year. Except with her spin on things, they sound MUCH different. And I sound MUCH more sinister.

This just makes me sick to my stomach. I'm betting she didn't tell our group leader she's already dismantled my bed and given it to our son.......


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Excuse me for butting in, Ohio, but regardless of where the truth lies, that was extremely inappropriate of the small group leader, and he/she should be reported to whoever oversees lay people in your church (I'm guessing this was a lay person? God, I hope so.) At any rate, that was nothing but glorified gossip masquerading as piety, and it has no place in a church family.

Ooooh, I'm mad just thinking about that!


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

Kudos to your friend!!! This person should not be leading even the "smallest" group in the world... To put you out there iike that without hearing your side of the story is just plain wrong :nono:.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

teewhy said:


> Kudos to your friend!!! This person should not be leading even the "smallest" group in the world... To put you out there iike that without hearing your side of the story is just plain wrong :nono:.


I agree with Teewhy, but with one small adjustment; This person had NO business putting this out there AT ALL. Nothing should have been said to the group by this leader, as this is not his matter to bring up publicly to ANY degree. Bad, bad, leader. He should be ashamed of himself.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Yeah, I started out the day feeling weak. Now I just feel mad. Mad at my wife. Mad at my "leader" at church. I know he means well, but he has no idea how convincing a person with a personality disorder can be. Probably because the pwBPD usually believes the crap they're saying.

This is just unbelievably bad. I just don't even know what to think. Just awful......

I'm not sure I can ever even show my face at that church again. So sad. So very, very sad....


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

whether he means well or not.... not being able to show up at a church with that kind of "leadership" may not be a bad thing.

Furthermore...
The over analyzing of each conversation kills us man, and even worse... the friggin CURIOSITY!! What is she doing? Who is she with? What is she thinking? I hate it! I hate it for me, I hate it for you! I hate it for every guy on this site who invested time, money, love, and whatever else the ungrateful ex and stbx "little girls in women's clothing" robbed us of. Who the he!! can a guy be nice to nowadays without getting ran over? 

whew, but I digress...


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Got "home" today and spent time playing with my son. My wife was all cooperation, asking lots of questions on how we could make the divorce as stress-free and cooperative as possible.

Messing with my head right now. How come she was antagonistic about us moving to Missouri with her parents, but she's all cooperation when we're talking divorce?

The BPD stuff is messed up!


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

I hope it's not contagious! Seriously man, how much mind f*#k!ng before our minds are f*#ked?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Honey, please do me a favor and send this to your pastor with your own additions -- I am STILL pissed off on your behalf 

Dear Pastor ___:

At one of the most crucial points of my life, when I am most in need of spiritual support, I have decided to leave the ____ church family.

On ___[date], [name of small group leader] said the following in a church group: [put the quote there]

First, I hasten to assure you that this is not true at all, and certainly not an accurate representation of what is happening. However, my concern is more for the fact that one of your lay leaders is engaging in gossip under a mask of piety.

I'm sure you agree that it is not the place of lay leaders to take side s in personal disputes or try to blacken the reputations of church member based on gossip.

I feel I have no choice at this point but the leave the [name of] church. I would have hoped that I would receive spiritual and personal support in my time of emotional need. I hope that you will review lay leader procedures with your ministry team so that an incident like this does not happen to someone else.

Sincerely, etc.

Seriously, honey, don't let him/her get away with this sh*t!


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

im also 2 months into my separation, it took 4 weeks for her to tell me she wants a divorce, i am an emotional wreck daily but that has changed from being that way every minute, we all know how bad this is & we are all going through, i read & post daily & nightly, it keeps me sane & builds my encouragement


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hurtnohio said:


> Got "home" today and spent time playing with my son. My wife was all cooperation, asking lots of questions on how we could make the divorce as stress-free and cooperative as possible.
> 
> Messing with my head right now. How come she was antagonistic about us moving to Missouri with her parents, but she's all cooperation when we're talking divorce?
> 
> The BPD stuff is messed up!


It's truly amazing.

You go from temper tantrums, shut-downs, nagging, and buckets of venom and bile to..... sweetness and light.

It actually has to do with the All or Nothing thinking in which they partake.

If she's with you, then ALL her problems are due to being with you. As soon as she sees a road out, she behaves like a human being because ALL her problems will soon be solved.

Once you are separated, it's likely that she will decide ALL her problems may be solved with reconciliation.

All - or nothing.


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