# Last week wife said we couldnt get through affair



## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Last week a number of weeks apart my wife told me it was over. I was devastated, month or so ago I found out she was sexting a 52 year old married man. They had met a few times. They didn't sleep together, I know that!. His wife even contacted me. Since then she has deactivated her facebook account as I presume she is getting hassled by his wife and kids.

I want to save my marriage. I still love my wife, things haven't been good the last few months. But she has moved back to her parents. I have hardly seen her the last month. She messaged me yesterday a week after calling it off.

How can I save it?. She said she still loves me, but don't think we can get through it. I don't want to throw away my marriage over something so stupid.


----------



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

So your wife had an affair, moved out and is now saying she doesn't think she can get through this? But yet you still want to. I would suggest you move on and find someone who will not cheat on you. If she is already moved out, your going to have a much easier time getting over it if she is not going to fight you on it. Seems like she has already checked out. 

I know you said you love your wife, but why do you want to save your marriage?


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Last week a number of weeks apart my wife told me it was over. I was devastated, month or so ago I found out she was sexting a 52 year old married man. They had met a few times. They didn't sleep together, I know that!. His wife even contacted me. Since then she has deactivated her facebook account as I presume she is getting hassled by his wife and kids.
> 
> I want to save my marriage. I still love my wife, things haven't been good the last few months. But she has moved back to her parents. I have hardly seen her the last month. She messaged me yesterday a week after calling it off.
> 
> How can I save it?. She said she still loves me, but don't think we can get through it. I don't want to throw away my marriage over something so stupid.


these are the actions of a woman who has something (someone else) on the side. you cant believe a word out of her mouth.

if you want to reconcile, being nice to her is the WRONG way to go. she wont repsect you. do the 180 on her, pack her bags for her. dont be a jerk, just dont enable her. cut her off from anything you legally and emotionally can.

sorry you are here, this is just the begining of a very difficult time in your life. if you want to get through it as painless and quickly as possible, file for divorce today.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Agree completely with x598. Do a bit of research around here on the 180 and employ it immediately.

You've gotta realize, she has emotionally moved on with this new guy. She'll cling to him until she is positive that it isn't an option and in the meantime her natural female need for security will have her leading you on, keeping you as a back-up plan in case she needs it. Being nice to her, supportive, friendly, etc. will only encourage her to focus all of her energy on the other guy, because all of that only makes her feel confident in you as a back-up, not more desirable as a primary, as you should be. Even worse would be any kind of pleading or begging from you. Calling/texting/emailing her frequently. Asking to see her or get together, asking her to come home, etc. Those things only make you seem pathetic and her respect for you will drop even further.

Have you exposed the affair yet? Like to her family, friends, etc.? That's another thing you really aught to consider here, and don't delay.

She has moved out, so I'm guessing she acknowledges that she is still fully focused on the affair. If his family is pestering her, then I bet the OM hasn't yet decided what he wants to do either, or is leaning towards staying with his wife. In any case, your wife will find that limbo SUCKS, but the reality is that she has moved out and made her position clear. She needs to deal with the ramifications of that decision and you shouldn't do anything to make that decision easier on her. As x598 said, don't be a jerk, just don't enable her. Pack her bags and deliver them to her, stop supporting her financially if you still are.

You have an opportunity here to present yourself as a strong, confident, desirable man who won't allow her to trample all over you as if you aren't worthwhile. The way I see it, there are three possible scenarios that could unfold:

1. You will lose her. She'll move forward with the OM (or someone else she finds quickly) and file for divorce. Your nice guy behaviors and loving gestures can do nothing to dissuade her from the excitement and freshness offered by the OM, or any other man for that matter. It's unattractive and pathetic, and is likely what led her to being vulnerable to adultery in the first place.
2. She will "settle" for you when the affair fizzles and your faulty "Mr. Nice Guy" approach lovingly invites her back home, which she accepts for the sake of security until the next affair opportunity arises. She won't be happy to be back, she won't make an effort to make things better with you, and in fact she'll be disappointed and maybe even depressed about it.
3. You actually win her back by transforming yourself into the desirable man that she actually wants, by standing up for yourself, showing her that you won't put up with her behavior, and kicking her ass to the curb. Ultimately she returns and you have a chance at genuinely saving your marriage if you keep up your changes.


With all of that said, feel free to share more information to help fill in the gaps. What has she been saying to you in the past month? What do you know about the OM and his marriage? Are you communicating with his wife? Is the affair still fully active, or maybe has gone underground? What "efforts" have you made since the affair was discovered, and how was it discovered?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Your wife may truly want to end it with you - at lease for now. But she's playing you none the less. Cheaters do this for two reasons.

1- She wants to test out the waters away from you and know she has the security of you as a plan B. Your Mr. nice guy routine reassures her of that. She is using your fear of divorce against you.

2 - In the event she does decide to come back to you, she thinks she can avoid consequences. And why? Same thing, she knows you fear losing her.

Unless or until she believes that she will lose you, until she understands that feeling of losing a husband for cheating; you have no chance of getting her to turn around.

Start the 180 to detach from her and start the divorce process. Then watch what happens.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

To save a marriage you must be able to end it. If your wife perceives you to be chasing after her she will either keep up the A or stay with you only long enough to find someone else

You need to put your self in the drivers seat and she needs to know you are willing to divorce her. 

File for divorce drop her things off at Mom and Dads and only talk with her about things you need to talk about kids, bills, and so forth.

Get into IC right away

Start the 180

Why are you so sure they did not have sex? she told you? or you do not think she had the chance?

I am sure there is still a great deal you do not know yet?

Have you spoken with her parents? what do they know about the A?


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Listen to badmemory. 

Your wife thinks she is playing a game. She thinks she has it all under control. Your feelings and needs are pick-up-sticks to her: easily cast aside and stepped on. What a henous woman.

Take that control away by filing for divorce now, do the 180, go dark on her and live your life. Let her go. Let her go out and live her fantasy, which is all it is. 

Stupid woman. I have no time for self-absorbed people like this.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Dude, you started too many threads. I would go back to your original one. It is too hard to follow your story.

Your wife kissed the OM in the back of a van and you believe they had no sex. Cheater code if a cheater says they kissed it means "We had sex". If a cheater said they kissed in a van, come on.

I am 100% certain they had sex several times.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Listen to badmemory.
> 
> Your wife thinks she is playing a game. She thinks she has it all under control. Your feelings and needs are pick-up-sticks to her: easily cast aside and stepped on. What a henous woman.
> 
> ...


Lost nailed it:iagree::iagree:


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Listen to badmemory.
> 
> Your wife thinks she is playing a game. She thinks she has it all under control. Your feelings and needs are pick-up-sticks to her: easily cast aside and stepped on. What a henous woman.
> 
> ...


:iagree:as well. Do this!!

And this may seem harsh, but I have to say it. Quit being so in love with such a woman and pining for her. She is not a prize. Let some other man use her and abuse her, like my x-wife is finding out with her new husband.


----------

