# Is this all happening too fast?



## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

What the H is wrong with me!!! I just got the offical news that my husband was having an on line affair...But I knew for months....Really? I'm still trying to figure out what the heck that is. Apparently its sex talk with an exgirlfriend when I was downstairs in our bedroom studying for a online university program. When I thought he was watching hockey.

I found this out yesterday and now he's back in my house, on the couch! 
Is anyone else finding that they are doing weird things cause you are in shock still??? I find that with not eating and sleeping my whole perception is way off! I so confused! I'm so hurt but I want things to go back to normal so bad that I think I'm compromising the whole healing process...
I almost find myself seeing my husband as two separate people. One who loves me unconditionally and one who threw me to the wolves. Ever since he said he was sorry I see him as the one who loves me but what happened to the bastard that did this to me. He's armed with a list I gave him of things that he had to do to be with me again and he has already done part of it. (Say sorrry to all he's hurt individually, giving up facebook, booking for a counsellor etc)
But I still haven't got all the gory details...can we go forward with out that. Is it okay to want dirty details without looking pathetic?:scratchhead:
My head is spinning with some of the details that he is selectively telling me....yuck...I want to puke and have. 
So today, we are off to a rodeo for our 8 year old daughter together and I have 3 hours in a vehicle with him and really can't talk cause she there....
Thanks for listening....I've been up since 2am...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

It's hard. Believe me, I know. My husband just wants to put it all behind us. I'm struggling with that. It's only been a couple months for me, tho. I would guess that you told him that he is to have ZERO contact with this woman..be it Facebook (which you said he's giving up anyway), cell, or email. NO CONTACT. Whatever you do, do NOT let him try to tell you that "you should be over this already". You will move past it when YOU are ready. I still get images of the texts I read, and the stupid picture that b*tch sent to my husband. While it wasn't revealing, per se... the intent was clear. If you get angry with him, and even her...write them a letter, each. Not to send, but to get the rage out. It helps. My husband asked to read the letters I wrote. While he still refuses to see that he had an emotional affair, he understands the hurt a little better. But ours was a bit different anyway. The important thing for you to remember is to go at YOUR pace and don't let your husband or anyone else try to tell you when YOU should be healed from this. It's personal, individual. And it will bother you for awhile.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*But I still haven't got all the gory details...can we go forward with out that. Is it okay to want dirty details without looking pathetic?*

He is the one who looks pathetic. Tell him to man up and tell the truth. *Don't move forward without the truth.*

I understand about wanting "normal" back. It's not coming back no matter what you do, at least not for a long time. It will come back faster if your husband gives you the truth. Your marriage will not work if it is built on lies. You will never heal if he doesn't give you what you need to heal.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> *But I still haven't got all the gory details...can we go forward with out that. Is it okay to want dirty details without looking pathetic?*
> 
> He is the one who looks pathetic. Tell him to man up and tell the truth. *Don't move forward without the truth.*
> 
> I understand about wanting "normal" back. It's not coming back no matter what you do, at least not for a long time. It will come back faster if your husband gives you the truth. Your marriage will not work if it is built on lies. You will never heal if he doesn't give you what you need to heal.


Sorry, forgot to address this. Yes, he needs to tell you EVERYTHING you want to know. And, even if you don't ask something, he needs to be prepared to answer questions you don't ask as well. He needs to be completely open to you. No secrets. No hidden passwords, nothing. If you are not comfortable moving forward, then don't. You take whatever time YOU need. Don't move on until YOU have everything you need...all information, and have it processed. And don't let him or anyone else tell you to "get over it already. It's in the past, just leave it there." That's bs and you need to be allowed the time necessary to process this.


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Thanks to everyone!!! I'm totally serious when I say that I couldn't do this without you all!!! I have never been so greatful for the advise you all have given me....You are saving my life! Thanks!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if the WS does the "heavy lifting" that means he is willing to demonstrate remorse and help you heal, if he does not then you will be stuck in limbo

thus:

if you need details, then he gives you details

if you need him to call every 5 minutes to report where he is, then he calls every 5 minutes and tells you where he is

if you need to get rid of triggers then he gets rid of those triggers

if you need to ask him the same questions over and over again, then he answers those questions over and over again


-so if you feel it is happening too fast then you slow down and you wait and you see if he is willing to be in this for the long haul, you wait and see if he is doing what you need to heal and regain trust, you wait to give him the gift of R until he clearly demonstrates that he is worthy of receiving such a wonderful gift


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

If you dont ask for the details now it's going to eat up inside.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

I may have a little different opinion about getting the gory details. If you ask for them, your H should give them to you. However, be sure you really want the gory details before you ask for them.

The initial reaction is to want to know everything. Sure, you do need to know some critical details. But do you really want to know all about the sex? Do you really want to know their pet names for each other? Do you really want to know all the places they were together?

The reason I say this is that you set yourself up for triggers that will never go away if you find out all the details. It will be much harder to move forward if you can't get past these specifics.

My advice is to know your own personality. If you will obsess over the details to the point that you won't be able to get back to a good place, then don't get more details than you need. Some people do need this information to move forward. Some don't.

For me, I needed the details that affected my health, finances, and self preservation. From there, the fact that there was an affair was enough detail for me. I did not want to know how many times they had sex on her living room floor, etc.

Before you start asking questions that you'll regret having the details for later, be sure you want to know it. If you do want it, then your WH owes you that info and you should hold him to giving it.


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## FindingMe123 (May 20, 2012)

I understand about wanting "normal" back. It's not coming back no matter what you do, at least not for a long time. It will come back faster if your husband gives you the truth. Your marriage will not work if it is built on lies. You will never heal if he doesn't give you what you need to heal.[/QUOTE]

This is absolutely true. Some of us have to know what 'their' lives were like together during this time. We need the details of the intimacy to figure out if and how we are going to move on.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

beachbabe said:


> What the H is wrong with me!!! I just got the offical news that my husband was having an on line affair...But I knew for months....Really? I'm still trying to figure out what the heck that is. Apparently its sex talk with an exgirlfriend when I was downstairs in our bedroom studying for a online university program. When I thought he was watching hockey.
> 
> I found this out yesterday and now he's back in my house, on the couch!
> Is anyone else finding that they are doing weird things cause you are in shock still??? I find that with not eating and sleeping my whole perception is way off! I so confused! I'm so hurt but I want things to go back to normal so bad that I think I'm compromising the whole healing process...
> ...


Your reactions appear to be common. I am not a shrink but after reading extensively about the aftermath of affairs, your reactions seem normal. 

I needed all the details. We were having a successful R, despite knowing all the gory details, until I learned my husband was going to a sex club and getting lap dances. 

it was NOT the details of the affair that prevented R, it was the sex club betrayal while in the middle of what I believed to be a successful recovery. 

It was as bad as learning of the affair because it was another deception. It also made me not trust my judgment again because I thought things were going well for R.

it's the deception from someone we once trusted with our lives, that puts the BS into such a tailspin, IMO, not the facts of the affair.


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