# Fiance texting and sending topless pics to another man



## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

My fiance and I are both around 40 years old. She has been married before but is now divorced and I have never been married. She was married for six years - horrible marriage where she in her own words "settled" for a guy that would be a good provider for her and her son from another relationship.

While she was married, she began a flirtatious relationship with a man who worked in the same building she did. They would go for lunch and he would always steer the conversation towards sex. This went on for many years. Eventually, she agreed to take their relationship to the next level and had this man over to her house while her then husband was out of town. She said she regretted it and only had one sexual encounter with this work guy. She did continue to sext him and have lunch with him but said there was no more physical contact.

Now I never learned of any of this until we were together for 18 months. She told me about this guy at work and at first, never told me anything about their relationship but described him as an "aggressive flirt". I told her I didn't feel comfortable with her going for lunch with this guy if all he wanted to was talk about sex. She said she wasn't doing that anymore and wasn't in contact with him and that was the end of the story.

Well I found out recently that she has been sexting with this guy and sending him pics of herself topless while she was with me in what I thought was a committed relationship. She told me it stopped 6 months ago and that she made a mistake and won't do it again but now, I just don't know what to think. She lied, my trust is gone and I have called off the wedding. She says I am overreacting.

What do you think? I am I making too much of this? I do care about her but this seems really deceitful and messed up!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

No you are not making too much of this. It is messed up. Get out now while the getting is good.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Dump her now, she is not to be trusted. Really dude you need to ask?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Nope you are not over reacting. At a minimum you're right to call off the wedding and regroup. Sounds like you're about to inherit her Ex H's problems. I think you need to be prepared to live with this guy as a factor in the relationship if you continue with her. 

Leave the wedding on hold until you sort it out either way.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get the ring and go. She was nice enough to let herself be caught BEFORE you said "i do."

DO NOT be embarrassed about calling off a wedding either. It's no one's business or lives but you and your fiance. 

The guests don't have to deal with this for the rest of their lives. I've called off a wedding, I know.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

What do I think?

I think that if you are still considering marrying this woman at all, you need intensive individual counseling to work on your self esteem and to figure out if you have any masochistic tendencies.

Are you making too much of this?

No, you seem to have figured out everything except why you are still speaking to her or having any contact with her at all.


Look, man. She cheated on her previous husband with this guy. She flat out told you she "settled" for her previous husband. I bet she didn't tell HIM she was "settling." And I'll bet she would never tell YOU she is "settling."

For whatever reason, she is sexting with her work bozo. Maybe they haven't had a real relationship because he is married or something, and she hopes to lure him away.

Any time you spend analyzing this thing is time wasted. If she was crazy in love with you, she wouldn't be doing what she is doing. And if she's doing it now, do you think things will magically get better when you put a ring on her?

So we can figure right off the bat that she don't love you. Are you willing to "settle" yourself, for being married to a woman who doesn't love you?

Spare yourself the drama, self-doubt, and bull****. Find a woman who likes you so much that she doesn't send pictures of her tits to other men.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

There is no reasonable person who would tell you that you are overreacting. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> What do I think?
> 
> I think that if you are still considering marrying this woman at all, you need intensive individual counseling to work on your self esteem and to figure out if you have any masochistic tendencies.
> 
> ...


That pretty well sums it up...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you have seen her true colors. She found she could have attention on side, and she decided to have you and him. Who really knows if it was really one time or not. She clearly has no problem compartmentalizing the truth.

She's been living the life of selfish me person for so long she no longer has a moral compass that points true. If at 40 she doesn't get it, she never will. 

Bottom line: run,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Run do not walk away. She is a user, a cheater and a liar. She had no problem in having him come to her married home and have sex with her while her husband was away. I guarantee you that it happened more than once because she continued to sextexting him.

She lies to your face and continues to see and sex text him while in a committed relationship to you. I would not believe anything she says. She is in damage control and desperately wants to marry you to help pay the bills. This is just a tip of the iceberg. You would be an idiot to stay with her and a moron to marry her.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

she cheated on her prior hubby with this guy, and now you. Come on...are you seriously wondering what to do? And the fact that she says you are overreacting shows how much she does not get it and will never get it.

She is a serial cheater. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me. She fooled you once (and previously hubby too)...you don't want a life with this woman. She has no morals and no respect for you or respect for a committed relationship.

RUN!!!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You are in a prime position. You discovered this BEFORE you got married.
Walk away, don't look back, and don't answer to any begging or pleading.
Find someone who treats you the way you DESERVE to be treated and don't listen to any crap about how 'it's nothing' etc....
Run rabbit, run.
Please.
We don't want you to come back on here in a year or two (or sooner!) wishing that you'd listened to us earlier.
LISTEN TO US NOW
Read through the entire forum if needs be - her actions are repeated by many, many waywards on here.
We don't want to see you back here - and I mean that in a nice way.

Take care

Now RUN!


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

I know many of you think I am crazy but when you really care for someone and they rip your heart out, it isn't always possible to think logically. I guess I needed the reality check.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> I know many of you think I am crazy but when you really care for someone and they rip your heart out, it isn't always possible to think logically. I guess I needed the reality check.


Don't think you are crazy at all. Most of us have been though this.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you need further proof of her lies, check the phone bills from 6 months on. If she's telling the truth, and you are still really interested in being with her, you have lots of work to do to create an environment that will remove her temptation. Your distrust will likely always remain regardless of your decision. 

I wish you the best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Check it out: you told her it made you uncomfortable so she told you she was done with him. Then you find out later, while engaged, that she is sexting him and sending him pictures of her chi-chis and other ladyparts.

No, you did not overreact. She already know how you felt about this and yet she overstepped the line again. The line you drew.

Stick to your decision and be firm.


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

She has some great qualities and I do love her but as many of you have said, her faults seem to outweigh those positives. I don't want to live my life distrusting the woman I marry.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> She has some great qualities and I do love her but as many of you have said, her faults seem to outweigh those positives. I don't want to live my life distrusting the woman I marry.


What if the tables were turned? Would she be so accommodating?


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

I keep asking the question "Why? why?" and I am internalizing this. I think maybe I didn't give her enough attention yet I thought I did. We had such a great relationship, why would she ruin it. Such self-destructive behavior is hard to comprehend.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She cheated in her previous marriage, she continued to cheat when she is with you. Learn a lesson from this , move on , better to find someone you can trust than be with someone who has evidenced more than once that she can and will continue to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

It's not self-destructive in their minds, you need to remember that.
She is thinking about herself and her own interests and you don't get a look or a say into that.
There is no respect


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's about 40. She is what she is and you're not going to change her. She'd done everthing except tattoo "tramp" on her forehead, so if you marry this person you have only yourself to blame for the inevitably sad (and predictable) outcome. You don't love this person. You love a false image you have created about her. That person exists only between your ears. It is unfair of you to hold her to a standard she can't meet and it would be foolish of you to walk into a situation you know you can't tolerate. It has not been wasted time. You have spent 18 months in the University of Life and next time you will be wiser. Get the ring if you can and if you can't, grab what's left of your self-esteem and common sense and split.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> I keep asking the question "Why? why?" and I am internalizing this. I think maybe I didn't give her enough attention yet I thought I did. We had such a great relationship, why would she ruin it. Such self-destructive behavior is hard to comprehend.


Stop trying to analyse and find an answer , you won't get one nor will she give you a truthful reason. Be thankful this happened now and you did not find out in a couple of years time .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

It is cheating! She can play it any way she wants but that is what it is.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

RUN. You will never fill the void od whatever she gets through flirting. I live with this. I love her to death, but cry inside and live with being gaslighted daily. I've made my decision of what I can live with. If you can live with that, ok. If not, it's not a real marriage. Ps. Get a prenuptial saying that there is no alimony if marriage ends. If she won't sign it, run even faster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

To her, the behaviour is NOT destructive. She gets to choose her mates as and when she desires - it fulfills the needs she has. She has a preferred option and a fallback option - it makes perfect sense to her.
The only person destroyed in all this is you.
Her behaviour is destructive to you, not her. Dont try to retionalise her behaviour, instead take control of yours.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> I keep asking the question "Why? why?" and I am internalizing this. I think maybe I didn't give her enough attention yet I thought I did. We had such a great relationship, why would she ruin it. Such self-destructive behavior is hard to comprehend.


The "Why" is irreleveant and no matter how she answers it, the answer will never be satisfactory to you.

Just accept that it is a decision that she chose to make of her own volition and it does not wash with what you want.

You already called off the wedding--good. That is a VERY good boundary/consequence. 

Do you live together?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> I keep asking the question "Why? why?" and I am internalizing this. I think maybe I didn't give her enough attention yet I thought I did. We had such a great relationship, why would she ruin it. Such self-destructive behavior is hard to comprehend.


She does it because it makes her feel good. It's been a part of her personal lifestyle fir a while. Like the guy who has a beer on Frday night afterwork, it's now part of who she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> What if the tables were turned? Would she be so accommodating?


Funny you ask that, because I asked her the same question. She was cheated on in the past and said she wouldn' tolerate that from me? She says that I am stronger and can deal with it. 

Yes I know...I am just smidgen away from a healthy relationship.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

'She says that I am stronger and can deal with it.'

The F*****g selfish b-***h

Dump, lose, get rid, avoid, move on, abort abort!

This marriage will self destruct in ten....nine....eight....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She said you can "deal with it?"

Honey, if she is living with you tell her she can move out..that you are sure she can "deal with it." 

Seriously.

WTF kind of response was that?!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You don't have to be "strong" to tolerate an unfaithful woman, you have to be "stupid".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to take her advice. Deal with it by showing her the street.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> Funny you ask that, because I asked her the same question. She was cheated on in the past and said she wouldn' tolerate that from me? *She says that I am stronger and can deal with it. *
> 
> Yes I know...I am just smidgen away from a healthy relationship.


OMG!! Really?!?!?!? You didn't vomit when she told you this? Don't marry someone you think you can change.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She did that in her first marriage and was divorced.

Now she's doing this to you. 

Since she did it to at least 2 partners, the problem is not with her partners but with her.

Lucky you're just a fiance. Not married, easier to walk away.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've been given the "you're stronger and can deal with it" line (never for unfaithfulness) but to explain other unacceptable behaviors. Run! She's telling you she doesn't intend for this relationship to ever be fair. She's telling you that she doesn't expect decent behavior from herself and that you have no right to expect decent behavior from her. Beware anyone who excuses or justifies their own bad behavior while holding you to a higher standard. These are hallmark traits of narcissists and sociopaths.
Find someone who holds you and themselves to high standards of ethical conduct.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I doubt you need one more person telling you to RUN!!! But.... RUN!!!!!!!!

Do not listen to her, do not let her justify, apologize, cry or otherwise manipulate you into what will be the biggest mistake of your life. 

She is a professional liar and manipulator, HIGHLY SKILLED and VERY WELL TRAINED. When she opens her mouth or her legs, you are in danger!. She is a predator, you are a little white bunny! Put your hands over your ears, shut your eyes and F*CKING RUN DUDE!! DANGER!!! DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> She has some great qualities and I do love her but as many of you have said, her faults seem to outweigh those positives. I don't want to live my life distrusting the woman I marry.


What great qualities?

She is sending pictures of her breasts to another man. That doesn't just happen.

:scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You need to take her advice. Deal with it by showing her the street.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems to be a good place for her.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> What great qualities?
> 
> She is sending pictures of her breasts to another man. That doesn't just happen.
> 
> :scratchhead:


Exactly. There is no explanation for this, No argument that makes this act acceptable.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

One thing you ain't doin is over-reacting

This woman, you are/aren't with---she has a history with this guy

She busted up a perfectly good mge., with a perfectly innocent H., with this guys help---I don't believe one word of how the mge., was no good---she was just demonizing her H., to justify her wrecking his life---due to her cheating

She will do this to you also---she is already doing it to you!!!!!!


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I've been given the "you're stronger and can deal with it" line (never for unfaithfulness) but to explain other unacceptable behaviors. Run! She's telling you she doesn't intend for this relationship to ever be fair. She's telling you that she doesn't expect decent behavior from herself and that you have no right to expect decent behavior from her. Beware anyone who excuses or justifies their own bad behavior while holding you to a higher standard. These are hallmark traits of narcissists and sociopaths.
> Find someone who holds you and themselves to high standards of ethical conduct.


Yes this is true. She paints herself as weak willed in order to absolve herself of guilt and to get away with stuff just like this. 

And everyone is right...I am glad it happened now before my whole life got turned upside down after I married her. I know this sounds stupid but she never struck me as the type that would do this. She is the typical glasses, librarian, bookish type of woman with a shy, reserved demeanor. It goes to show you, you may never ever really know someone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Beware anyone who excuses or justifies their own bad behavior while holding you to a higher standard.


A-freaking-men


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> She has some great qualities.


Do you wonder who else that dude is forwarding the pics of her great qualities to?.


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Do you wonder who else that dude is forwarding the pics of her great qualities to?.


Yes I do and it makes me sick. But you have to realize, I did see a lot of good in her. She is messed up and I know I can't save her from herself, nor do I want to. I just know there is a good, kind person there but she can't seem to get her head around having a healthy relationship. It is a real waste but what can you do. Protect yourself and move on.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

First off, you sound like you still have your self respect. As the others have said you do not want to marry this girl. I would tell her if she wanted to move forward, she needs to out this sexting thing to her family and your friends. Exposure is critical. And then she should be a mascara and snot running mess, begging you to take her back. The wedding should not be the issue with her. The issue should be "forget the wedding, what do I need to do to gain your forgiveness and keep our relationship?" If anyone asks why it was called off, let her explain. She should also be offering you complete transparency. Passwords, e-mail accounts, on going financial audit. What's more she should be begging to be transparent. If she has any attitude about transparency, ditch her. Its only a matter of time till she goes heals up under some other guy. Oh, and of course counseling, to find out why she did it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh, HELLO, I forgot to ask a crucial question: is the OM married???

If he is you have GOT to tell his wife/girlfriend!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> Yes I do and it makes me sick. But you have to realize, I did see a lot of good in her. She is messed up and I know I can't save her from herself, nor do I want to. I just know there is a good, kind person there but she can't seem to get her head around having a healthy relationship. It is a real waste but what can you do. Protect yourself and move on.


Yeah man.

I'm sure she's lovely. She's a dream house built over a sinkhole, on a faultline, in a floodzone, with a foundation made with balsa wood that has termites.

Can't mortage your future and your families health on that thing.

There's plenty more out there.


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> First off, you sound like you still have your self respect. As the others have said you do not want to marry this girl. I would tell her if she wanted to move forward, she needs to out this sexting thing to her family and your friends. Exposure is critical. And then she should be a mascara and snot running mess, begging you to take her back. The wedding should not be the issue with her. The issue should be "forget the wedding, what do I need to do to gain your forgiveness and keep our relationship?" If anyone asks why it was called off, let her explain. She should also be offering you complete transparency. Passwords, e-mail accounts, on going financial audit. What's more she should be begging to be transparent. If she has any attitude about transparency, ditch her. Its only a matter of time till she goes heals up under some other guy. Oh, and of course counseling, to find out why she did it.


I know for a fact she would never agree to this. She has this persona that she has, like I said, that is really quite different than who she really is. She would never be able to admit she sent those pictures anyone, let alone her family! And, as I mentioned before, I don't want to be marrying someone who I have to regularly put through the Spanish inquisition. I want a marriage based on trust.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

From your use of past tense statements, it sounds like you have given up on her, yet feel sorry for her at the same time. That alone is going to confuse you on what to do next.

As a cheater (EA), I feel very sorry for how much I hurt the OW (I'm not ignoring the hurt I caused my wife, just trying to make a point). I want so badly to contact her and make sure she is okay and healing. Yet, I know it will cause more harm than good. You may be in a similar situation to where if you decide to help her or leave her, you'll feel guilty regardless.

Regardless of your decision, it is going to be painful.


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## Needingsomeadvice (Oct 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> From your use of past tense statements, it sounds like you have given up on her, yet feel sorry for her at the same time. That alone is going to confuse you on what to do next.
> 
> As a cheater (EA), I feel very sorry for how much I hurt the OW (I'm not ignoring the hurt I caused my wife, just trying to make a point). I want so badly to contact her and make sure she is okay and healing. Yet, I know it will cause more harm than good. You may be in a similar situation to where if you decide to help her or leave her, you'll feel guilty regardless.
> 
> Regardless of your decision, it is going to be painful.


It is already painful. I want so desperately for this not be happening. I go back and forth - give up on her or stay but I know that staying means living with this infidelity and never really truly trusting her. You find the one who makes you so happy and she does something so stupid and selfish. 

Buddha was so right - life is suffering. Embracing the suffering is incredibly hard.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It is painful, and it's painful for her as well. I found the one that makes me so happy and I was stupid and selfish, which hurt her for life while hurting myself and others in the process. 

I wish I could make this all go away for you. But no one can. I wish you, and her (because she is a person too), the best of luck.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What makes you think it`s just pictures to an old ex?

He is an Ex y'know, she slept with him once they`ll usually do it again,..and again...

I don`t text any sexual anything to anyone I`m not sleeping with.

Check out that phone bill if you can get your hands on it.
I`ll bet you find out about that 6 months claim real quick.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would resist any temptation of believing you're going to force a 40 year old to develop integrity. At this point in her life, she either knows right from wrong or she doesn't. It was her daddy's job to raise her, not yours. Our basic characters are formed by age 4. The very best you could hope for is to have a 40 year old pretending to be something she knows she isn't...long enough to get vows out of you. If you want to plow, you don't buy a racehorse. You and the horse will be disappointed. 
You deceived yourself once about her. You knew she had faithfulness problems because she cheated on her last husband. That isn't a resume' enhancer and it ought to be a heavy clue. The most reliable indicator of future performance is past performance. Don't listen to what people say. People lie. Pay close attention to what they do. Actions tell us who people really are.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Don't marry her or you'll be back again with even worse news. Cut your losses and move on.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You should consider yourself lucky to have found out her true character. You dodged a bullet there, dude !


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

You are not overreacting....get rid of her...you are doing the right thing for yourself...you don't want to enter into a marriage with an adulteress....good luck....


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> Buddha was so right - life is suffering.


...and then you die.

So, seek truth and happiness.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Needingsomeadvice said:


> I know for a fact she would never agree to this. She has this persona that she has, like I said, that is really quite different than who she really is. She would never be able to admit she sent those pictures anyone, let alone her family! And, as I mentioned before, *I don't want to be marrying someone who I have to regularly put through the Spanish inquisition.* I want a marriage based on trust.


:iagree:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She may have many good qualities but if she's untrustworthy, then she's not, and may never be, ready for marriage.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you have to ask....

We all have that gut instinct for a reason. She cheated on her H, and now she's cheating on her F.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Thats why they call it courting for marriage - the idea is that you are seeing if the other has the desirable traits to make an ideal mate. no mate will be perfect, but she has show that her true character fits in with her history.

don't know what else u need to know to dump her on her azz. pick up your ba*ls and get out!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Her good qualities?

Maybe she's good in the sack and a good conversationalist -- to your face.

But when you're not around? She's screwing other men and having those same damned good conversations with the other guy as with you.

A kind of a courtesan. And I dont mean that in a nice way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If you think it is painful now then imagine you getting married to her and her continuing this behavior and escalting to cuckolding you. Unless this is what you want you bail because this is wht you are headed for.

Bail out.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

As painful as it feels for you right now, there's at least a silver lining to this whole mess: you found out who she really is before you married her. Imagine finding all this out after you've been married, then having to split up the assets and separate the finances thru a divorce. 

Oh, and don't believe her about the previous marriage being horrible, and having to settle for a man who's a good provider for her and her son. They always say that about the spouse so they can justify their affair. And it looks like she was going to do the same to you. You're just the provider while she seeks her jollies elsewhere. You're being used just like she used her ex-husband. You know this deep down. 

Don't worry about her though, she'll move on pretty quickly, and find someone else to cuckold so she can continue to play around with. She will soon be describing your relationship with her as being horrible to her next man.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And if you marry her, she will soon be thinking she "settled" for you-especially when she meets a new guy.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

F-102 said:


> And if you marry her, she will soon be thinking she "settled" for you-especially when she meets a new guy.


:iagree:

Yup. Wash, rinse, repeat.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

No advice. Just one more vote for leave her. Good luck to you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You can't fix her. Time to end this relationship.


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