# Should I use my Wife's Money



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

We have been married for 19 years. My wife started working from home as a beautician between 2006 and 2010. I never asked her how much she made. She paid for some groceries, day care for my daughter. In 2010 when we bought a house, she might have contributed 10-20K towards the down payment. I do not have a firm record

As soon as we got into the house, she got pregnant with our twins and she did not work for next 6 years. When she started working again in 2016, she decided she would rather go out and rent a place at $1000 a month , than work from the home. We had bought and got a home to meet her specific needs to do business from home. 

First year of her business - 2016 she made a net loss. From 2017-2020, she never made anything more than 10,000 dollars for the year. She spent 30-40 hours outside home, working on weekends which do not even make her the minimum wage. All this brought fights, since her goal was to keep the business alive at whatever cost. This meant ignoring the household, not cooking meals for kids and general marital discord. In May 2020, when covid was raging wild, she decided to ignore the risk to her and my 70++ years mothers who both lived with us, and go back to opening the business in person. Between 2016-2020 we also had constant credit card debt of $30,000 which she ignored whenever I would tell her to instead pick up a job. She will not sit down with me to do monthly budgets, plan out finances and retirement. She even gets annoyed if I send her monthly statement of money we both make and our household expenses.

Effectively since 2011, she has not contributed to any household expenses. I did take some money form her accounts when we went to vacations. Also I regularly saved from her account and her retirement account - IRA stands at 100K. My retirement accounts are separate . We went for counselling and she told counsellor she was helping her sisters in India. I have never asked her what kind of money does she send her sisters

This year her revenue has increased and she might make maybe 25-30K this year. We did contribute to buy a new car for my daughter a month back 

For years I have told her that her business does have good business model and she would rather find a white collared job. All this has fallen on dumb years. I cannot bring myself to accept her business which makes very little money after 5 years and takes her away from her family even on weekends

I feel I should not accept any of that money for day to day household expenses like groceries, mortgage . I make a six figure income so thinks are comfortable but not exorbitant. What is your perspective on my stand ?


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

andyannu said:


> We have been married for 19 years. My wife started working from home as a beautician between 2006 and 2010. I never asked her how much she made. She paid for some groceries, day care for my daughter. In 2010 when we bought a house, she might have contributed 10-20K towards the down payment. I do not have a firm record
> 
> As soon as we got into the house, she got pregnant with our twins and she did not work for next 6 years. When she started working again in 2016, she decided she would rather go out and rent a place at $1000 a month , than work from the home. We had bought and got a home to meet her specific needs to do business from home.
> 
> ...


She lives in the house and she makes an income (small or not), so why wouldn't you have her contribute to the expenses? Where is all of her money going if she is barely contributing anything? 

If she is working that much and bringing in so little, are you sure she is even doing what she says she is doing? It wouldn't be the first time a spouse has said they are working but in reality, they are knee-deep in an affair, drugs, whatever.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think it's sad that it took you that long to find out that she's sending her money back home to her family. I have a cousin whose wife does the same thing and doesn't contribute to their household. And they don't have kids or anything. 

I'm afraid that concealing that she's sending that money home to her family would be a deal-breaker for me but I'm not you. She certainly shouldn't be doing that when she's carrying a bunch of debt. 

It doesn't sound like you want to leave her and I don't know where you would stand legally trying to spend money out of her account, so maybe you need to just talk to an attorney and find out what's the best financial maneuvering to do here.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

bobert said:


> She lives in the house and she makes an income (small or not), so why wouldn't you have her contribute to the expenses? Where is all of her money going if she is barely contributing anything?
> 
> If she is working that much and bringing in so little, are you sure she is even doing what she says she is doing? It wouldn't be the first time a spouse has said they are working but in reality, they are knee-deep in an affair, drugs, whatever.


WTF? Really?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

andyannu said:


> What is your perspective on my stand ?


I'm in the same boat, financially, but not emotionally. But my wife spends THOUSANDS of dollars on her family, her cats, and is conniving any way she can move back to her state of origin so she can "be near her family". She states categorically that she will not allow me to commute to my job. I love my job. I want to keep my job. I have financial responsibilities DUE TO HER. Her, and her new cars, her family. She acts as if she has no responsibility toward the debts largely made by her, expects me to "retire" and "do things with her".

Now, I ask you, why in the name of God would I want to "do things with her" ????

Now, I ask YOU, why in the name of God would YOU want to stay in a marriage with your wife ?? Your wife is a self-centered, spoiled brat.

I wish I could either die or get a divorce. And I'm at the point where I really don't give a rat's ass which.



DownByTheRiver said:


> you need to just talk to an attorney and find out what's the best financial maneuvering to do here.


I'm going..... I think that's very good advice.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


andyannu said:



This meant ignoring the household, not cooking meals for kids and general marital discord. In May 2020, when covid was raging wild, she decided to ignore the risk to her and my 70++ years mothers who both lived with us, and go back to opening the business in person.

Click to expand...

*Gee, maybe you didn't get the memo.

Regardless of the financial situation, if BOTH of you are working full time jobs - and she was even working on weekends on TOP of that - then BOTH of you have a *50% share* of the domestic chores. Where on earth do you get off acting as though she somehow had to find time on top of working all those hours every week to cook meals for your kids? Are your hands broken???? Are you incapable of doing anything in the kitchen????

And honestly, I don't blame her for wanting to be out of the house since you saddled her with your mother. She is already caring for your daughter and even paid for her daycare, and now your mother is living with you as well. If I were her, I'd want out, too. Sorry. Not sorry.

*



I feel I should not accept any of that money for day to day household expenses like groceries, mortgage . I make a six figure income so thinks are comfortable but not exorbitant. What is your perspective on my stand ?

Click to expand...

*If you don't like it, leave (and take mom with you). Find someone else to cater to you and your mother while also working 60 hours a week.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How are you handling the filing of taxes? Is she paying into social security etc?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s figured out she’s got you and has shown you how selfish she is. She does the hair because she likes to meet people and gossip and doesn’t want to do that at home where you or someone else can hear.
Indian, huh? Sends money home…. Where did you meet her?


----------



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Gee, maybe you didn't get the memo.
> 
> Regardless of the financial situation, if BOTH of you are working full time jobs - and she was even working on weekends on TOP of that - then BOTH of you have a *50% share* of the domestic chores. Where on earth do you get off acting as though she somehow had to find time on top of working all those hours every week to cook meals for your kids? Are your hands broken???? Are you incapable of doing anything in the kitchen????
> 
> ...


I do not agree. My wife decides to please her beauty clients and has no business sense that this does not even make her minimum wage. Why should I, who makes a six figure income, have to contribute equally to household chores, when she decides to waste her time. 

It is not only my daughter. It both our biological daughter. 

I wish I could walk away, but I reluctantly agreed 10 years back to have two more kids. I cannot leave the marriage since her temper is legendary. If I fight with her, all her anger showers on the kids who are not to blame. I am stuck till my kids become adults


----------



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> How are you handling the filing of taxes? Is she paying into social security etc?


Not only I do all finances. I file taxes jointly. I do her business accounting . But she does not want to look at doing any of it.


----------



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

bobert said:


> She lives in the house and she makes an income (small or not), so why wouldn't you have her contribute to the expenses? Where is all of her money going if she is barely contributing anything?
> 
> If she is working that much and bringing in so little, are you sure she is even doing what she says she is doing? It wouldn't be the first time a spouse has said they are working but in reality, they are knee-deep in an affair, drugs, whatever.


She made $10K each year from 2016-2020. I made her save $6000 every year into her retirement account. My account is seperate. Her retirement account ( locked till she turns 65 ) has 100K in savings. So that leaves about $4K left. I did mention she has paid once for our vacation


----------



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

bobert said:


> She lives in the house and she makes an income (small or not), so why wouldn't you have her contribute to the expenses? Where is all of her money going if she is barely contributing anything?
> 
> If she is working that much and bringing in so little, are you sure she is even doing what she says she is doing? It wouldn't be the first time a spouse has said they are working but in reality, they are knee-deep in an affair, drugs, whatever.


No she does not have an affair or do drugs. I know her schedule and her friends to know that for sure


----------



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think it's sad that it took you that long to find out that she's sending her money back home to her family. I have a cousin whose wife does the same thing and doesn't contribute to their household. And they don't have kids or anything.
> 
> I'm afraid that concealing that she's sending that money home to her family would be a deal-breaker for me but I'm not you. She certainly shouldn't be doing that when she's carrying a bunch of debt.
> 
> It doesn't sound like you want to leave her and I don't know where you would stand legally trying to spend money out of her account, so maybe you need to just talk to an attorney and find out what's the best financial maneuvering to do here.


I have no confirmation she is sending money to her sisters. She does not have debt. We as a household had debt , which I paid off finally this year without her help

I cannot leave her because of my 10 years kids. I will have to wait till they turn adults


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

andyannu said:


> I have no confirmation she is sending money to her sisters. She does not have debt. We as a household had debt , which I paid off finally this year without her help
> 
> I cannot leave her because of my 10 years kids. I will have to wait till they turn adults


Better be darn sure your finances are separate and that she's paying her part of your home and children, then.


----------



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Gee, maybe you didn't get the memo.
> 
> Regardless of the financial situation, if BOTH of you are working full time jobs - and she was even working on weekends on TOP of that - then BOTH of you have a *50% share* of the domestic chores. Where on earth do you get off acting as though she somehow had to find time on top of working all those hours every week to cook meals for your kids? Are your hands broken???? Are you incapable of doing anything in the kitchen????
> 
> ...


This is crazy. She decides to waste time in a business making less than minimum wage, and I am supposed to "subsidize her business" by contributing to household chores. By the way I am a trained Chef, but I refuse to help her failing business which makes her ignore her own mother and children. It all female ego of trying to be equal. 5 years she is not even making 20% of what I make. But I should be one getting the memo to work 50% tasks at home. What kind of liberal woman **** is this ?


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Gee, maybe you didn't get the memo.
> 
> Regardless of the financial situation, if BOTH of you are working full time jobs - and she was even working on weekends on TOP of that - then BOTH of you have a *50% share* of the domestic chores. Where on earth do you get off acting as though she somehow had to find time on top of working all those hours every week to cook meals for your kids? Are your hands broken???? Are you incapable of doing anything in the kitchen????
> 
> ...


I have a different read on this. You're assuming that he does nothing for the home, where it could be he's picking up her slack. Also both his and her mother live with them.

I'm with the OP on this. Even though she's gone every day, she still needs to do 50% of the chores. Why, because her job is somewhat of a hobby. I don't believe being a beautician is so unprofitable that she can't make minimum wage. If her client base is so small, she can work from home or at least condense her schedule and get another job to supplement her pay.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

andyannu said:


> I do not agree. My wife decides to please her beauty clients and has no business sense that this does not even make her minimum wage. Why should I, who makes a six figure income, have to contribute equally to household chores, when she decides to waste her time.
> 
> It is not only my daughter. It both our biological daughter.
> 
> I wish I could walk away, but I reluctantly agreed 10 years back to have two more kids. I cannot leave the marriage since her temper is legendary. If I fight with her, all her anger showers on the kids who are not to blame. I am stuck till my kids become adults


Its not about money it's about time. If you both work then you both share the chores.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Its not about money it's about time. If you both work then you both share the chores.


Ordinarily I would agree on a 50/50 split, but not here. She's not treating earning money and providing for her family seriously. She moved into a shop when she has space at home to work, and she makes less than minimum wage. Plus she sends money to her extended family while letting OP support their family of seven (OP, wife, each of their mothers, the three kids).

It would be different if she was just starting out, or in a business needing much investment in inventory, equipment, etc. In those cases it's understandable you'd run a loss while scaling up. But she's a beautician - not a ton of investment required. It's been this way for five years - she's maxxed out and it's not going to get better.

Honestly, it sounds like this is a way to get out of the house and make some spending money. (She also could be skimming since it's largely a cash business, but that's a different discussion). Fine if it's just you and you don't mind a lean lifestyle. It's not fine if you're letting someone else do the heavy lifting both domestically and financially.

Looking at the big picture, the OP is being hosed. You would have him with the responsibility of a sole breadwinner (paying practically all the bills) yet none of the advantages. Doing the math, his twins are 10 and the older child is around 16; so it's not like they're needy little kids.

Generally, someone who pays all the bills has relief from most household duties because the SAH parent handles that. How, then, would it be fair for the OP to pay the bills for seven people and still come home to do a ton of chores?


----------



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

DTO said:


> I have a different read on this. You're assuming that he does nothing for the home, where it could be he's picking up her slack. Also both his and her mother live with them.
> 
> I'm with the OP on this. Even though she's gone every day, she still needs to do 50% of the chores. Why, because her job is somewhat of a hobby. I don't believe being a beautician is so unprofitable that she can't make minimum wage. If her client base is so small, she can work from home or at least condense her schedule and get another job to supplement her pay.


Her business makes $2-$3K in net revenue every month. $1K goes in rent. Then there are other expenses say $500 to $1000. So she makes anywhere between $100 to $2000 every month. Then vacations, sickness for her or kids brings down the average. given she spends 40 hrs on the business, if you calculate, it is no more than minimum wage after taxes. She refuses to look at numbers of the business. I have done all accounts last five years. She is happy since her clients come an praise her services. To her numbers do not matter. What matters is she can dress up, go out of the house and while earning the minimum wage, gets to chat with a clients. I see this as wasting time

She does take care of kids but 50% less than she did for our elder daughter. No time to teach kids any skills or work on their school work. Her standard is they can be on computer playing games or watching TV all day

She does do more than 50% of the housework. I would be pleased to contribute to more housework, if she would even try to contribute equally to household expenses. For years I have told her , her business model is flawed. She either needs to scale up business and hire other beauticians who can bring in more revenue, or quit the business. But none of these make sense for her

Also let me mention, last 15 years I have have done a weekend and weekday evening job teaching. I hold one full time 40 hr a week job with a corporate. I do work 60++ hours . So I feel cheated when she wastes her time on her business but I am told, I am to blame for not contributing enough to household chores


----------



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

DTO said:


> Ordinarily I would agree on a 50/50 split, but not here. She's not treating earning money and providing for her family seriously. She moved into a shop when she has space at home to work, and she makes less than minimum wage. Plus she sends money to her extended family while letting OP support their family of seven (OP, wife, each of their mothers, the three kids).
> 
> It would be different if she was just starting out, or in a business needing much investment in inventory, equipment, etc. In those cases it's understandable you'd run a loss while scaling up. But she's a beautician - not a ton of investment required. It's been this way for five years - she's maxxed out and it's not going to get better.
> 
> ...



Thank you Diana for that perspective. See my other notes below. How do I get her to see light of the situation


----------



## olivia33 (Jan 5, 2022)

you can use your wife money , but only little money , dont rush her big money , so you avoid all the problems ....... keep in mind to think about the future .


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

andyannu said:


> Why should I, who makes a six figure income, have to contribute equally to household chores, when she decides to waste her time.


You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. It is completely a double-standard. She has freedom to "choose", you don't. If she wastes her time, "plays" at business, she is societally excused by being a "SAHM", etc. If YOU do it, you're a DEADBEAT and a FREELOADER.



andyannu said:


> So I feel cheated when she wastes her time on her business but I am told, I am to blame for not contributing enough to household chores


I don't blame you one bit for feeling cheated. In my mind, you ARE cheated. So are many of us.



andyannu said:


> How do I get her to see light of the situation


You won't. Again, society, her family-of-origin, etc. taught her that she had the "right of choice" and you don't. She is entitled to do as she wishes, you aren't.


----------



## Danintheusa (12 mo ago)

andyannu said:


> We have been married for 19 years. My wife started working from home as a beautician between 2006 and 2010. I never asked her how much she made. She paid for some groceries, day care for my daughter. In 2010 when we bought a house, she might have contributed 10-20K towards the down payment. I do not have a firm record
> 
> As soon as we got into the house, she got pregnant with our twins and she did not work for next 6 years. When she started working again in 2016, she decided she would rather go out and rent a place at $1000 a month , than work from the home. We had bought and got a home to meet her specific needs to do business from home.
> 
> ...


Send money to help her family without consulting you?
That's wrong.
Her job is to work for your nuclear family.
Your Indian so taking your parents in is part of your culture and she knew that before getting married.
If you pay all your own.bills.
Put money into college fund for kids and put money away for retirement, then maybe you can discuss sending money to support a family member.
But she will argue its her money and she will do what she likes with it.


----------



## Catcha128 (8 mo ago)

andyannu said:


> Why should I, who makes a six figure income, have to contribute equally to household chores, when she decides to waste her time.


Why not? I am making the 6 figure in my family, and cooking and cleaning. Is it because i am the wife? What makes husbands so special they do not need to do housework if they earn more than their wives?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As @andyannu hasn't been on his thread in four months, it's being closed as a semi-Zombie thread.

However, of @andyannu wishes for the thread to be reopened, please let the admin team know. 

Here's Zombie Cat's cousin Billee stepping in









Incidentally, Billee is Hindi for Cat. The Hindi spelling is बिल्ली.


----------

