# my guilt is holding me back



## alienatedandalonewith3 (Aug 9, 2011)

ill try too make this short,but i have noone too talk too and im going to burst if i dont get this out!
first sorry for spelling im going to try and hurry before he gets home

we have been married 10 years,we have 2 girlsand my son
our relationship was rocky after the first year we got into a physical contflict i had him arrested,he got out right away and
we worked things out
he is a police officer and army,after the first conflict i was forced to give a statement that it was all me and he was acting on self defense
i was even brought into questioning for 2 hours by his employer pd
we went threw counsling.we where doing good
we have always had arguements about same issue house,kids and cleaning
im a sahm been since before we were married
he has always been very direct on what i should be doing and not be doing how i should dress and what to buy and what not
i went threw a deployment when he was in kuwait,and it was almost refreshing to choose things for my self,me and the children enjoyed ourselves doing fun things and just relaxing from his constant cleaning and chore lists
it had its ups and downs we missed him but he came home and everything was in uproar kids fighting,son crying and being punished for stuiped things like wetting the bed (he was 8)

we moved into a new house everything was good he gets deployed again 4 years latter this time in state
he gone 16 months
he comes home once a month the whole time he gone we argue,
he home first day were great then we argue
his class of living has gone up he on this big kick of gotta look good, its always what others will think
he invites strangers (to me) to our house will spend all the money for there entertainment and then we struggle intil payday again,yet im suppose to host and feed them these huge meals,there nice people offer too clean up its always no she got it
he wants control over everything we spent day at lake i come out in my p.js my shirt has bleach stain he tells me too change even though he is leaving with his guest too go too bars?
days latter he came home and said we are going to church get dressed i said no i have nothing to wear im not going,(we been to church 7 times in 12 years)

he took my daughter,he came home dinner was on the table were sitting there eating and he is mad still i didnt go
he stands up,you are such a uneducated,lazy fat ass ***ch,you dont support me on anything you wouldnt have anything if it wasnt for me,that food your eating i bought! i pushed the plate away and said fine take it,my children are at table youngest is autistic and has anxiety disorder,
so as you can imagin we fight and argue non stop for the night
(i took it outside)
he keeps degrading me saying how im such a bad wife and not supportive
i should always stand by his side on everything
we continue to argue for weeks i finally told him we need councle we went he talked the whole time,at the end the councler suggested he has some ocd charteristics,that his demands and views arnt logical to expect from me
he took his point of view set up another appointment

and blew them out the window on the way home,that was it no more the guy was a quack his words

well we are still 3 months later fighting and not talking
ive seen a lawyer i was very strong and then
i told my husband i dont know if we can fix this,he is always in control and i dont want to live like this anymore
he doesnt treat my son right he is on him constant he currently grounded a year for failing science when my husband was last deployed even though he passed and brought his grade up
so my husband response was how i was going to get everything he worked for,and he will have too start over,
he was mad then cried and said ill change THE GUILT set in
he hasnt changed he more controling,never tried
we arnt even speaking were suppose to just live like this,
oh but im suppose to have sex because that my wifely duties as long as were married
he is living like i never said anything about divorce
today he installing hard wood floors the money i was hoping to file with when he leaves town next week
i have so much guilt for using his money even, that why i havent done it yet
and im scared of the final reaction scared i wont be able to take care of my kids and home

he really expects me to just live in a home like this
he keeps telling me as soon as i get my act together and take his side everything will be fine,that im always acting as my sons attorney and never standing by him with punishment

i feel like im losing it i need advice

if i tell him to leave and it get physical he will lose his job and i will be even more screwed,what should i do
my lawyer suggested telling him in a public place and too just tell him how its going to be or what the alternative is

he is very important in his army career and i dont feel he would jeapordize it in anyway

i need advice is this the right thing todo,
how should i go about this?
if i leave the house wont he get it?

please any advice

guilt


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

I read your post and honestly can't figure out what you have to feel guilty about. I am by no means an expert but it sure seems to me that you are being abused emotionally and from what I can tell it seems to me that some physical abuse is certainly within the realm of possibility.

First things first. Can you leave? Do you have somewhere to go? He's not likely to change, get out now, worry about filing later. Keep yourself and your children safe. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

First thing I learned in my major (sociology of deviance) was that police officers and service men have the highest rates of domestic violence.

I also don't know why you feel guilty ....he's being a jerk.


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## xArielle (Aug 2, 2011)

He lost me at "lazy, fat-ass *****." If he is ever physically abusive again, call the cops, get yourself a lawyer and take his ass to the cleaners. What wouldn't he give you if you can cost him his job?


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## alienatedandalonewith3 (Aug 9, 2011)

my guilt is from him saying hes given me everything and he will have too start over,

he doesnt say i love you he says he shows it with how he works two jobs and provides everything we want and need
he is always telling me look around at everything ive given you
the house,cars,pool,

he feels the materialistic things are how he shows love and i should just be happy

before our marriage i was a single mom,living low income and on my way to getting on my feet,i was a manager i had a car 
he likes too use this against me and say remember where you were and where you could be most likely not enjoying the life i have now
he doesnt realize im not enjoying my life right now except when hes gone,
i would much rather be alone then too have someone degrading and controling everything i do and think

hes so bad he monitors what i say on fb,tells me dont say that dont say this
ive been going to my friends to get away from him proubly once a week and now he actually questioning that even though we havent talk to each other in weeks,
telling me i was out too late 11 and that i better have went to store to get his gel and the list he made me

i really wanted too drive the car off the bridge last night i cried leaving my friends cause i didnt want to come home to him and his constant judgement

i get home he ignores me,goes right to bed im in bathroom,he didnt realize i came out,he throws the door open and ask why im taking so long i was already out i walked in the room and he just looks at me and lays back down

i want out im just scared
i took out a credit card he doesnt know about to pay the lawyer i just need $1200,more and i will have it
but im so scared of losing my kids and not being able to provide for them
i just got hired as a sub lunch lady at my kids school in hopes to get hired full time but that still not enough to even pay my morgage

i dont know what todo

m


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