# Void of Feelings



## who? (Sep 25, 2013)

Hi, 
My husband and I have been together for 19 years. He was 24 and I was 19 when we met. We've been married for 16 as of last Friday (9/20/13). We've always had an unstable marriage considering he cheated on me in our 2nd year together. We have very different personalities and are both very stubborn. We have two kids, 13 yo boy and 10 yo girl. My husband is in law enforcement and has a very demanding job which he makes his #1 priority. For years I have been feeling unnoticed, unappreciated and feeling hurt time and time again by broken promises. Several years ago I had an emotional relationship with a high school friend via text/phone/internet. We made plans to see each other but never did. My husband found out and I decided I wanted to stay in the marriage and we worked really hard at it. However, over time things have gone back to there usual routine. My husband often choses to go to his special fishing place and drink, listen to music/ball games or bait his fishing lines after work. Often I do not even know if he is working or at his place as he doesn't keep me in the loop. My 13 yo son doesn't have a close relationship with his dad and is supportive of me leaving him. He feels his dad doesn't try at all and sometimes is even pushing me to leave him. My daughter loves her dad and often comments she hates her dads job b/c its like she doesn't even have a dad he's home so little. Several weeks ago we had a big fight and I said we needed to start counseling (for the umpteenth time) and major permanent changes needed to be made or I wanted out. At first things looked hopeful. But then two weeks ago the old patterns started. I was beginning to wonder why I was even trying when I knew how it was going to end. I had a guy kiss me at a party and I didn't stop him and proceeded to make out with him. I didn't feel any guilt afterwards and even tried to pursue the guy, but he said it was mistake as he is also married. Around this same time, I also rekindled my conversations with the high school guy from several years ago. In that last week I also approached a guy that I've had a crush on for several years and proceeded to make out with him. Still no guilt. Then last week I kind of came to the decision that I was ready to end it as I knew my hopeful feelings for my husband were obviously gone, I was being unfaithful and our anniversary was the next day and we hadn't mentioned any plans and I was having difficulty even picking out a card for him. Turns out he forgot about it and after work went to a co-workers going away party. The next day I asked him if he knew what the date was. He remember then but didn't apologize, made excuses about why he forgot and proceeded with his plan for the day which were working on his boat. When I went inside, he then came in for an afterthought apology. He suspected something was "up" and declared he would figure it out. The next day he kept pushing me to talk to him and that's when I told him I'm done and that I just can't do this anymore. I had no emotion. Not sad, not happy... since I've told him that I want to end it he's been crying and saying he thought he was trying and that if I want a divorce he will do it but that it's not what he wants. He's been texting me more and making an effort to be home. However, just yesterday I actually slept with another man, taking my infidelity to a whole new level. Last night my husband just wanted to hold me and we ended up having sex but I wasn't turned on by him. I was thinking about the other guys. I just don't know what this lack of emotion is and I imagine myself single and in a little house with the kids and not having to worry about him and what he is or isn't doing and it seems better than being in my big house, annoyed and alone. I feel like I am talking myself into pulling the trigger but a little tiny piece of me is saying "what if" its the wrong choice? How do I know?? Why am I going crazy and being unfaithful if I'm supposed to be making a huge decision about my marriage? Help me someone!!


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