# Thinking of stepping out...



## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

So here I sit, having failed multiple times to resolve the sexual issues of my marriage...

It's clearly something we don't talk about, she has zero interest and all I do nowadays is finding my eye wondering....

So I've met another woman who is sexually interested in me, and I her. She is in no way connected to anyone I know and there is zero chance of this getting traced back to my wife...

I don't even feel guilty about the flirting or anything...I didn't just say one day "oh I'm going to sleep with another woman" it just sorta started down this road. I have needs, these needs are never met, my wife wont let me touch her, haven't shared a passionate kiss in over three years...it's like being married to a child...and I find myself not respecting her, or really caring...we just live with each other. When we do have sex (rarely) she just lays there unattached, I cum, she runs away..literally runs...no passion at all....and our sex life is almost non existent....she doesn't even notice that I've pulled away.

So this other woman knows the situation, is completely fine with it, and has zero emotional attachment and I've found over time she can be discrete....

On one had I have the "I've never slept with another woman" card, and on the other I have the "my wife wont have sex with me, wont resolve this issue or has zero passion for me." 

I mean I love my wife, she's everything...but the lack of physical contact and always backing away from me...just kills it. I want sex, I'm tired of not getting it.

I'm seriously thinking of this other woman more...


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

What have you done to resolve some of the sexual issues? 

Have you both tired MC? And did your wife used to have sex with your more, and if so what do you feel has changed? Most people don't just wake up and decide they don't like or want sex anymore with their partner.

If you see no way around this, and you feel you have tried everything, maybe you just need to present your wife with separation/divorce papers, then you are free to be with who ever you want. Cheating really isn't the answer, it will only hurt all involved and complicate things more. 

And the fact this other woman is ok that you are married, should say something about her character IMO. I would think she would want you to divorce first.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Dalebot said:


> I mean I love my wife, she's everything...


Intimacy is so integral to a marriage that saying this is delusional. She can't be "everything" when the primary feature distinguishing a marriage relationship from others is missing. 

The wife is the one to be sharing this with. To show her how serious it has become and that separation or divorce is in the offing if the two of you can't resolve it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

What do you mean she literally runs away? Talk about rejection.

Tell her that the sex is not satisfying, she's obviously not into it so you're going to get it on the side. See what she comes back with.


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Dalebot said:


> So this other woman knows the situation, is completely fine with it, and has zero emotional attachment and I've found over time she can be discrete...


Once you start having sex with someone, you WILL become somewhat emotionally attached, whether you want it or not... You may not even see it coming, I certainly didn't... So be careful, it is a road that could become dangerous. Can you handle it?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I say go for it------right after you divorce your wife.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yeah, why not do it? But do it *after* you tell your wife you are done and then clean up your mess.

You'd rather emotionally punch your wife in the face instead though, right? Just screw some other woman with no emotional attachment because you are entitled to some strange since your wife won't put out? Nice.

Man, don't do this to yourself, your wife, or this other woman.

Get the strange but do it the right way.

.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Cheating never solves anything. I understand you're frustrated, but the more mature thing to do, would be to just divorce her first.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Dalebot said:


> So here I sit, having failed multiple times to resolve the sexual issues of my marriage...
> 
> It's clearly something we don't talk about, she has zero interest and all I do nowadays is finding my eye wondering....
> 
> ...



In all marriages, its never all her fault or all his fault. It's both spouses faults because there are two people in the marriage. 50 / 50.

If you cheat once, get away with it, its fantastic, you will more than likely do it again, and again and eventually get caught. Don't cheat.

Divorce your wife and then be with this other women. Do it clean.

Or talk to your zero sex drive wife and let her know you are having a mistress unless she gets a healthy libido and I mean now. No more talking and nothing changes on her part.

Your wife could be LD "low drive" and sex is dirty and she is insecure about her body and how she was raised, etc. Where as you are the opposite.

I have been in your situation. I was chatting one day and out of the blue this young woman hits me and says hi, want to chat? So we chatted and got along amazingly. Turned out she lived in town 10 minutes away, is young (20 years old) and hot. She also wanted a friends with benefits setup. I even went over to her house a few times and we made out a bit but I couldn't go through with it, guilt made me feel sick and I also believe God gave me a smack and wake up call, it didn't work out is all I will say and that was that!!!! I have never done that since and wish I didn't, but when sexually starved, and my needs aren't being met, sooner or later, you will fail. That is the low drive spouses fault for not taking care of their spouses needs.

What slowly got my wifee in the mood (she is low drive like your wife) was a lot of talking, cuddling, listening, pushing her comfort zone bit by bit and I bought her a small discrete vibrator. She finally used it and when I came home from work, she was in the mood big time. We did all positions, you name it, things she never would do and she likes it when I tell her what sexual acts we are going to do (she is passive) and we did them. Now she still is a low drive woman but not as bad and she loves the vibrator and the sex is crazier and more often. Still not to the level I need, but it is way better, all because I bought her the vibrator and she finally used it for the first time, had an orgasm and then watch out!!! 

If she doesn't have orgasms, why would she want sex? 

If you never had orgasms, would you really want sex?

Her low sex drive and detachment could also mean she is having an emotional affair or even physical affair.

Marriage counseling or divorce and be with this other woman.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What is the New Woman's incentive to enter into such a relationship? Answer that first and walk backwards to a solution...


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Why in the world are you wanting to stay married to your wife? Why would you rather enter into an affair than a divorce? If you say kids I will remind you to think about what example its going to set for them in life. You cant guarantee nobody will find out about the affair.

Separate, start divorce proceedings and date as much as you want.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Divorce your wife THEN go get laid. Do what you want then. Join a swingers club, post a pic of your little man on Craigslist, whatever.....

Just don't cheat on your wife, even if she does starve you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who chose to be a wayward husband... Don't do it. It won't solve anything, and when it all blows up, it will be a whole lot worse.

C


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

Lets put my wife into perspective:

She changes the subject on sex, typically says "I have to do more" but when I go out of my way to make her a fantastic dinner, take her to a show, she normally throws the headache line or "oh it's after 7:30 we can't have sex time for bed."

My favorite, "hun drop 30 pounds and I swear I'll blow you." 

Dropped 30 pounds, she said "oh I was just kidding!"

She's just not interested in me..and I don't know why. I mean I didn't suddenly think "oh hey lets shag another woman" but it's just getting harder and harder not think about it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Dalebot - I really feel for you. I could not live like that. 

But don't become a cheater...no-one likes a cheater...least of all the cheater him/herself. 

Let your wife know how desperate you are...lay it all out.
Tell her you want to get sex from outside the marriage seeing as she won't provide it at home or maybe she would prefer a D??

Until she sees how HUGE an issue this is she won't 'get' it.

Does she read? 'His Needs Her Needs' is a wonderful book for explaining why men want sex in the way they do. It helped me understand my man and his sexuality in a way I hadn't before... although I'm not LD or withholding sex i still learnt a lot from the chapter on man's need for sex.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> She is in no way connected to anyone I know and there is zero chance of this getting traced back to my wife...


These "zero chance" things have a way of never being "zero chance", and blowing up in your face. Happens all the time. You have no idea what the future holds. Or how this OW will respond after a period of time.

You may THINK you can control it, but you can't.

So, ask yourself this... If she finds out, what will it do to this woman that means "everything" to you? If the answer to that is "devestate her", "ruin her", "break her heart", or anything similar, you should care enough to leave her before seeking out other women. Heartbreak over a split up is tough...but usually recoverable. The betrayal, heartbreak and resulting distrust of the opposite sex after an affair is much harder to deal with.

Besides, you never know...telling her (and showing her) you're leaving may just kick start that libido of hers and get her back on the right track, and maybe the marriage can be saved.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dalebot said:


> Lets put my wife into perspective:
> 
> She changes the subject on sex, typically says "I have to do more" but when I go out of my way to make her a fantastic dinner, take her to a show, she normally throws the headache line or "oh it's after 7:30 we can't have sex time for bed."
> 
> ...


Is *she* cheating?:scratchhead:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Notice nobody is telling you to just put up with a sexless marriage. I think most of us who have found our way to this board are sexually frustrated in some form. I think most of us understand where you are coming from.

You will not halve your troubles by stepping out, however, you will double them.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

Dalebot said:


> Lets put my wife into perspective:
> 
> She changes the subject on sex, typically says "I have to do more" but when I go out of my way to make her a fantastic dinner, take her to a show, she normally throws the headache line or "oh it's after 7:30 we can't have sex time for bed."
> 
> ...


I see this over and over on TAM. Someone makes a post, a bunch of people respond with very good questions and advice, and then the OP responds by just continuing with the same "poor me" rant as if no one even replied.

Feel bad about your marriage but seems obvious you plan to cheat so go ahead and knock yourself out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dalebot (May 13, 2012)

To be honest, over the past 24 hours I kept thinking about how this would play out.

It would just add "one more thing" to worry about in the back of my head, and make things just strange when I look at my wife.

I'm probably going to sit her down and explain "my needs are not being met, and you keep making excuses not to meet them. Something needs to change, and it needs to change now." 

If she throws the same excuses at me, I'm done. I can't live like this.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Contact your lawyer before the talk.. just to make sure you're prepared..


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Dalebot said:


> To be honest, over the past 24 hours I kept thinking about how this would play out.
> 
> It would just add "one more thing" to worry about in the back of my head, and make things just strange when I look at my wife.
> 
> ...


Once you step outside the marriage, you've lost the moral high ground. No matter what percent of the marital issues are her fault, it won't matter. You would be 100% responsible for cheating on her and there's nothing more that will endanger a marriage - including a LD wife.

You may think you won't get caught, you may think it won't effect how you feel about your wife; but that's what most cheaters think. You'll likely regret it the rest of your life.

Talk or walk. Don't debase yourself by cheating on her.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, for your sanity, you should drop the D papers into your wife's lap if she isn't listening to your needs. But I do wonder if you tried hard enough to get through to her. I know you said she tries to change the subject, but did you actually tell her "No, not this time. We're going to hash out our sexless marriage issues and today is the first day we work on this...or else"?

I get the sense that you mentioned it, and your wife knows that it's important to you, but I don't think you drove home the point to her that it's one of your BIGGEST needs. If you haven't done your all to draw her attention to the issue and FORCE her to see it as a serious problem, then IMHO you haven't exhausted your options to save this marriage yet. 

I'm going to catch some flack for this line of thinking, but knowing what we know about this situation so far, I would have some sympathy for you if you did become a cheater. Obviously it's the wrong path to take and I would never condone it as a solution to anything. But I realize that people are human and that they will enter into something stupid because they cannot think straight. It's so easy for us to come on here and tell him "just get that divorce...". But if he's married with kids, he doesn't want to be a part time dad, he busts his ass for his family and his wife treats him like a celibate monk...I could at least empathize with him if he did make the mistake to cheat. 

Sorry if my above paragraph offends anyone, but it's time to drop the notion that there aren't some cases of infidelity that are based on a shared blame. Unfortunately, if the OP ever cheated after years of sexual starvation and his wife elects to wipe her ass with his concerns...she would be welcomed as a poor soul who didn't deserve such a situation happening to her. Her sins would be "forgiven" or "ignored" while everyone jumps on the OP like he's the biggest POS in the world. I think it's one of the biggest cases of hypocrisy on TAM whenever situations like these pop up on the forums. JMHO.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Dalebot said:


> To be honest, over the past 24 hours I kept thinking about how this would play out.
> 
> It would just add "one more thing" to worry about in the back of my head, and make things just strange when I look at my wife.
> 
> ...


This is the correct first step.

Be specific about what she has said and what you have done:

"You said X. I did X. Nothing changed. You said Y. I did Y. Nothing changed."

What you are looking for is a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" with your wife, not "sex". You don't want "duty sex" or "corpse sex".

Ask her if she thinks marriage counseling will help. If she says no, then tell her that you will leave it in her hands to figure out out to regain intimacy between the two of you.

If she comes back with more demands, say no. It's her turn to change.

If she comes back with "all you want is sex", tell her that you are not embarrassed about wanting a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" with her.

If she comes back with she's too tired or too old or isn't interested in sex, tell her you quit your job because you're too old or tired and weren't interested in working.

Explain to her that the implied marital contract of monogamy mean that one spouse takes care of the other spouse's sexual needs. You promised monogamy but not celibacy.

Do NOT cheat. It's wrong, won't solve anything and you will give up the moral high ground in any future discussion.

Finally, divorce MUST be an option. Do not stand to live like a roommate.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Awesome, Dalebot. Good job.

.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Yeah...if she is unresponsive, divorce your wife!


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