# i have a crush on another man...



## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

my marriage has left me with some serious insecurities.. and i think maybe subconsciously or consciously who knows which.. i've been more open to other possibilities... i wouldnt say i "sought" this man out, but he's a customer at my bank. he owns the gas station right behind my building and he comes in daily to deposit his business' cash. there is always a mild flirtation between BOTH of us.. if i'm working that day he'll usually wait until i'm free to assist him.. the other day he came in and i said, "thank goodness you came! i was about to go broke!" and he said, "hun, you can call me anytime.. i'm just across the street"... sometimes when he comes in multiple times a day i'll ask him if he missed me so much he had to come back.. he'll laugh and say yes. 

here's the kicker... he's so loud about his divorce.. apparently they made a $250,000 settlement that he has to pay her over the course of some time period so he's always transfering money from the business to give to his xwife. he calls it "giving to charity" when he comes it.. that's our code that he needs to pay her.

so here i am.. married to a guy with some serious issues with his family, which i've endured for 4 years.. my hubs and i get along great.. but recent events have made me feel disconnected from him and i'm left feeling sometimes aloof and insecure. i've never even seen the other guy outside of work.. but i'd bet you $1,000,000 if he asked me out on a date... i'd go. 

i cant tell my hubs because it'd be wwIII, and i'm sure he'd do something immature and damaging to the marriage out of spite, hate and immaturity.. plus there's nothing really to tell... but the CRAZY thing is.. i dont feel guilty for liking this guy. i dont feel guilty for wanting to go on a date with him and getting to know him better. does that mean something or am i just an arse?


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## Rawrdonstein (Jun 14, 2012)

So you came here looking for some sort of justification from strangers to begin an affair if you are presented with the opportunity?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are just an arse. YOu asked...  (JK.. )

Why don't you feel guilty wanting to cheat on your husband? Are you really that shelfish and uncaring a person?

Nothing good would come from cheating...nothing at all. 

You have to first decide the fate of your marriage. Either work to fix your marriage or divorce your husband.

What are the most serious issues with your marriage and your husband?


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

What is it that you're missing in your relationship at home that leads you to desire straying from your marriage? You say you get along great with hubby, so why would you be willing to jeaporadize a great relationship that you promised years ago to stay faithful for?

This man from the gas station... Something about him turns you on. What you need to do is figure out what it is about this guy that turns you on and them figure out how to get your husband to project those same qualities on you so you're stimulated enough to be happy in your relationship with him.

You're already one foot into an affair with this OM because you're already thinking about cheating wih him... You're playing with some serious fire and I don't think you're wrapping your head around the long term consequences of an affair. You're about to consciously ruin your life with your husband... Are your prepared for that? Are you okay with that? If so, then you it owe it to your husband to divorce him before you act on your desires. Infidelity is soul-crushing and he doesn't deserve that.

You have 2 paths that lie ahead of you... Think long and hard which one you want to follow, but whichever path you choose, walk it with dignity and respectfulness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

i dont know why i dont feel guilty.. 6 months ago the thought of something like this was FURTHEST from my mind.. today.. not so much. 

the most serious issues we have are with his family.. it's a whole big, long story.. but in a nutshell he puts their feelings before mine.. on every single level. a promise to change was made.. but the promise was broken, and i am still second to them. i cant "fix" the marriage by myself.. he's placed me in one sphere of his life and them in another. i can have absolutely nothing to do with the other sphere. so now who's selfish and uncaring? 

he has to deal with his family issues for me to be 100% happy with him, and he wont. so i'm getting by day by day.. we get along great daily.. but the ticking time bomb will eventually go off. his commitment to me will always be second to his family.. so i find myself questioning why i should be so damn committed? i'm sure if push came to shove.. he'd chose them over me. hence the insecurities.. 

so no.. cheating isnt really "justified"... but now when i hear someone has cheated.. i dont completely blame the cheater. if the cheater's partner did everything "right" it wouldnt even be an option or a thought. i was that way up until now...


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

cocovas09 said:


> if the cheater's partner did everything "right" it wouldnt even be an option or a thought. i was that way up until now...


We're all human... It's impossible to expect someone to do everything right. That's an unfair expectation to place on your husband and as such, it sets him up for failure in your relationship. Maybe your husband has no idea how you feel about the situation at hand... Or maybe he knows a little bit from some of your communications but he has no idea how close to losing you he really is. Do you think he would start to pay attention more to your feelings and try to understand the seriousness of his actions if he just knew how close to stepping out you've come?

Part of the issue here is that affairs are starting to become the "easy way out" for people to turn, rather than fighting the good, hard fight for their marriage. Cheating is the easy way out to not facing your problems head-on. It's not a solution, it's a devious act of hurtfulness.

What's important here is you realize you need to stop fantasizing about another man so much, but rather channel your thoughts and energy into how you can give your husband a fighting chance at your relationship together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

If your husband won't change the way he puts his family first, then divorce him.
To me that's 100% unacceptable that he is allowing any outside influence in your marriage, whether it's family or not.
YOU are his family, you are his immediate family, they are secondary & unless he sees that, I honestly don't think the two of you will be able to stay married for the long term.
The bitterness will eat away at your soul, the feeling of always being cast aside over other people is more than enough to divorce.
After all, it does take two to make a marriage work.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Phoenix, your advice is reckless. OP has barely revealed any depth or details about what is lacking in her relationship and you're already pushing her to give up on the relationship and divorce. Why don't give hope a little chance before you get all apocalyptic on a situation...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> Phoenix, your advice is reckless. OP has barely revealed any depth or details about what is lacking in her relationship and you're already pushing her to give up on the relationship and divorce. Why don't give hope a little chance before you get all apocalyptic on a situation...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you not read what she has posted about her husband putting his family before her?
I'm not even focusing on her crush, I'm focusing on what her husband is doing in the marriage, that is in turn affecting her.
You're the one telling her to channel her energy into her husband, the very one who is putting his needs before her own.
She can't get her husband to change, she's already talked to him about the issues & he refuses to do anything about it.
That's not apocalyptic to point out that it maybe better to divorce him since he's chosing other people over his own wife.
And BTW, I wrote "*If* your husband *won't change *the way he puts his family first, then divorce him."
There's an IF in there, meaning, he still has a chance to do something about their marriage, I didn't immediately say divorce him no matter the situation.
I hate when people don't read throughly & comprehend the statements, then go jump other people's sh*t.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cocovas09,

I find it interesting that you mention the amount of money the OM has to pay his ex-wife. Are you enticed by the thought that he has money?

You have not give us any particulars about the kinds of things that your husband is not supporting for with his family. So we cannot help by giving you ways of handling situations.

You need to find a way to tell your husband how serious you are that there is a problem. Since you are at the point of thinking about having an affair and enjoying the attention from the OM, you are thinking of ending your marriage... yes that is what an affair is.. the end of your marriage.

So tell your husband that he has been hurting you terribly by putting his family of origin first all the time. That you are his first family now and you HAVE to be first for your marriage to work. You feel second best and have come to the point where you feel like you don't even care about your marriage any more. You are seiously thinking of divorce. But you would like for the two of you to work to fix your marraige. Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you.

Also, ask him to read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" with you (see the links in my signature block below).

If he refuses the counseling follow through by going to an attorney. Let him know you are filing. If he refuses to reconize that there is a serious problem when you are ready to leave, he does not care enough about you and your marriage. You have your answer.

But do not cheat. In the end YOU will suffer terribly from your own actions and you will lose a lot of the standing you have to complain about your husband's actions after you cheat.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the grass may seem greener but rarly ever is.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

cocovas09 said:


> i cant tell my hubs because it'd be wwIII, and i'm sure he'd do something immature and damaging to the marriage out of spite, hate and immaturity..


This sentence right here tells me alot about your attitude in this marriage. Your entertaining an affair, carrying on a dangerous flirtation and do not feel the slightest bit guilty yet if you told your husband this, HE is the one who would act immature etc...

Explore this further and you'll probably find the root of your issues with him.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

cocovas09 said:


> i dont know why i dont feel guilty.. 6 months ago the thought of something like this was FURTHEST from my mind.. today.. not so much.


I do.
You don't love or respect him.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

elegirl... i'm only aware of his finances only because he's a customer of mine.. and i work in a freakin bank. it's my job. i never asked him how much he was transferring (total) or who he was transferring to. all i'm allowed to ask for is the name, the amount and the account number. the amount was extra information that he decided to share with me.. which i also shared. it doesnt mean im into him for money. gas station money comes and goes like THAT. $8,000 gone in the lottery acct once a month.. $10,000 gone from the gas acct every few weeks.. pay the beer guy.. the gatorade guy.. the chip guy.. there's so many expenses to consider, so it is IMPOSSIBLE to tell how well his business is doing because the balance changes by tens of thousands of dollars daily! i dont know how much is actually his for profit.. and i dont care. that's not why i think he's attractive. the thing that's really attractive about his is that he's really sweet and humble.. very personable and friendly. he just seems like a genuine person. 

i cant go into too much detail about my hubs' family.. but it's not something i can fix alone. i'm not allowed to speak to them. there's a lot they're unaware of as far as our relationship goes. like everything.. 

i've told my hubs how much it bothers me time and time again.. but like i said.. he puts them before me... protecting their feelings is much more important than considering mine. there have been fights (verbal and physical), crying, pleading, yelling.. blah blah blah.. you name it.. i've tried in every way to address it. i did leave my hubs for a while because of this whole inlaw thing.. but it was only for about a week. and i wasnt prepared on any level (mostly emotionally) to actually leave. and this was before i really knew this other man. 

so no.. the grass may not be greener.. but his lawn is frickin niiice looking from here. i love my hubs.. i'd do anything for him... but i'll admit my respect for him has greatly diminished. and i feel at least THAT IS justified. 

i take my marriage day by frikkin day.. i have no idea what's going to happen.. and it's a terrifying feeling. like i sad.. for all i know his mom could grab his balls and tell him to divorce me.. and i think he might... life partners?? i wish and hope we are.. but we're not going down a good path..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

cocovas09 said:


> i cant go into too much detail about my hubs' family.. but it's not something i can fix alone. i'm not allowed to speak to them. there's a lot they're unaware of as far as our relationship goes. like everything..
> 
> i've told my hubs how much it bothers me time and time again.. but like i said.. he puts them before me... protecting their feelings is much more important than considering mine. *there have been fights (verbal and physical)*, crying, pleading, yelling.. blah blah blah.. you name it.. i've tried in every way to address it. i did leave my hubs for a while because of this whole inlaw thing.. but it was only for about a week. and i wasnt prepared on any level (mostly emotionally) to actually leave. and this was before i really knew this other man.
> 
> ...


Verbal AND PHYSICAL??? As in he hit you? And you WENT BACK TO HIM??? Ok, it really boggles my mind that you are not allowed to talk to his family. I cannot wrap my head around that. And regarding the OM. I can understand the attraction...the IDEA that things look better... but, you don't know him outside what you see at the bank. He actually could be JUST LIKE your husband. Now, you say you love your husband. If this is true, then you need to forget about this OM. If you are unwilling to do that, then divorce your husband. But the one thing I will say... *do not put up with abuse!* There is NO excuse for hitting your spouse. None. I don't care WHAT the argument is about.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

maricha... yes we did have physical fights.. but i was the instigator... and it was because of the inlaw thing. my abuse was physical.. his was emotional.. i dunno how that tallys up.. other than bad. 0-0, i guess... 

the ultimatum has been made that if i contact his family then my hubs will divorce me. might i add that he is an immigrant. i'm not married to an american with the traditional ANYTHING.. no wedding, no real engagement... nothing that you're probably assuming if you're in a traditional american/american relationship. 

you're right.. i dont know the other guy at all outside the bank.. but know i'd like to. if i got an invitation, i'd take it. the IDEA of something else sounds great. but you know life happens.. we have short term goals that require us to be together.. (im undergoing major surgery soon)... divorce just isnt possible right now. and i dont want to throw the relationship away for ppl who are thousands of miles away... but his actions regarding his family effing terrifies me...and we really do get along very well most of the time. the inlaw thing doesnt affect our daily lives.. just my psyche.. people throw around "divorce" around here like its nothing.. but it's NEVER that easy... your whole life and everything you had planned for it WILL change... but my fears about the future make me want to explore.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

cocovas09 said:


> people throw around "divorce" around here like its nothing.. but it's NEVER that easy... your whole life and everything you had planned for it WILL change... but my fears about the future make me want to explore.


People say "divorce" around here, as you say, "like it's nothing" because they have been cheated on, lied to, etc. And each and every one of them would rather their spouses divorced them instead of cheating. And it may SEEM like they say it like it's nothing, but those who have gone thru it KNOW it's NOT "nothing". They know how hard it is because they have been there. And, the ones who have not been there have seen family or friends go thru it. I saw one sister go thru it 5 years ago. The other sister is divorcing now. BOTH of them divorced/are divorcing CHEATERS. And both have said they will not put up with cheating. 

I had two emotional affairs. My husband forgave me both times. He had one. I forgave him. If either of us had gone physical, the marriage would have been over. I was presented with the opportunity to go PA with a man here. I shot him down immediately. Why? Because with all the problems we have had in our marriage, THAT is something I couldn't do to him. I realized then that I love my husband, more than anything. And, BECAUSE I love my husband, I couldn't DATE anyone else, I couldn't HAVE SEX with anyone else. 

If you want your marriage to work, forget this man. If you don't want your marriage to work... At the very least, you need to be honest with your husband.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

You wrote this 3 weeks ago on your first thread. 

"i took a breather from my hubs for almost a week before i caved and came back home. my hubs was faced with an ultimatum that he didnt go through with. so i left. before the decision to leave everything was so easy and even fun in my head. i'd have time to do whatever i wanted without worrying what he's doing or thinking. 

i thought about hooking back up with old friends and going to cafes with my bff. but after i left i really didnt want to do any of those things. i just wanted my old life back. 

i truly love my hubs... like more than anything. when i was in my hotel i just cried.. and drank. it was a really lonely existence.. all those things i envisioned in my head were just so unappealing at that point. i got sent home from work the first day i left because i just couldnt stop crying. 

well now i'm back. and it's better than i expected. a lot of the anger is gone. there's laughing and touching, but we're still staying in separate rooms for now. but who knows that could change in an hour. it's just confusing. i still want what i wanted initially.. but suddenly the ultimatum i gave him isnt so important. 

i'm just confused.. thanks for listening."

Now 3 weeks later you want to possibly start a relationship with a person you know almost nothing about -- except 1) he has money, 2) he is divorced which you have no idea why -- maybe she cheated on him, maybe he cheated on her, maybe he use to beat the crap out of her, etc 3) he owns a gas station accross the street from where you work -- very convient if anything happened between you two.

You also stated you need your husband at the moment because you are having major surgery.

I suggest you go to IC and find out why you are unhappy -- you -- and not anything your husband or family is doing.

Posting one thing 3 weeks ago how great things are now -- to crushing on another man -- and if asked would act on it -- tells me you may need to seek counselling.

Good luck !!


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> People say "divorce" around here, as you say, "like it's nothing" because they have been cheated on, lied to, etc. And each and every one of them would rather their spouses divorced them instead of cheating. And it may SEEM like they say it like it's nothing, but those who have gone thru it KNOW it's NOT "nothing". They know how hard it is because they have been there. And, the ones who have not been there have seen family or friends go thru it. I saw one sister go thru it 5 years ago. The other sister is divorcing now. BOTH of them divorced/are divorcing CHEATERS. And both have said they will not put up with cheating.
> 
> I had two emotional affairs. My husband forgave me both times. He had one. I forgave him. If either of us had gone physical, the marriage would have been over. I was presented with the opportunity to go PA with a man here. I shot him down immediately. Why? Because with all the problems we have had in our marriage, THAT is something I couldn't do to him. I realized then that I love my husband, more than anything. And, BECAUSE I love my husband, I couldn't DATE anyone else, I couldn't HAVE SEX with anyone else.
> 
> If you want your marriage to work, forget this man. If you don't want your marriage to work... At the very least, you need to be honest with your husband.


Absolutely 100% agree !!:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

i've spoken to a counselor... much more in depth than i have here... details about certain events that have made my mentality the way it is now... and seemingly my feelings have been "justified" in that she had no real suggestions for me as a singular being. she suggested marriage counseling which i have expressed i wanted to attend with him.. he has said he's willing to go... but it's just like his promises to take out the trash... "yeah, i will"... i've asked to set up dates with the counselor and he's rejected them all... "i have to work" or "its my only day off"... 

my "unhappiness" doesnt have anything to do with me... the effort is only one sided.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

cocovas09 said:


> i've spoken to a counselor... much more in depth than i have here... details about certain events that have made my mentality the way it is now... and seemingly my feelings have been "justified" in that she had no real suggestions for me as a singular being. she suggested marriage counseling which i have expressed i wanted to attend with him.. he has said he's willing to go... but it's just like his promises to take out the trash... "yeah, i will"... i've asked to set up dates with the counselor and he's rejected them all... "i have to work" or "its my only day off"...
> 
> i am unhappy in feeling insecure in my relationship.. i want to KNOW that i dont have anything to worry about no matter his families' opinions...it's black and white. but this feeling isnt going to change unless he takes action.
> 
> ...


This is the part that is concerning. You are on a slippery slope here. Which is why so many have reacted the way we have. Some of us have BEEN there, on that slippery slope you are on right now. Some have had spouses on that slope. We are warning you that if you continue thinking as you do on THIS line, that slippery slope won't stay just a slippery slope... It will be much, much more. And are you prepared for what will happen with your husband, should that occur? Are you prepared for your husband to tell you to get out if you date this OM? Are you prepared for this man to want more, should you accept a date if he asks? These are the things we see happening. We are seeing the road ahead, not just what is in front of you. THAT is what we are warning you about.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

he ranks his parents over me... why shouldnt i rank something/someone else over him?

yeah.. he's fine because he cares about his family more than me.. but i'm the devil because i'm considering the "idea" of other possibilities..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I never once said he was fine for putting his family above you. And I never said you were the devil for entertaining such thoughts. You are going to do what you want to do. But you came here looking for advice. My question to you...did you think, on a pro-marriage forum, that you would get advice saying "go for it"? I do understand being attracted to someone else. I do understand about putting family before the spouse. Not my marriage, but various friends and family have run into this. But I understand the excitement of something, or someone, new. I understand about being dissatisfied in the marriage. But what we are trying to tell you is that if you want ANY chance of fixing your marriage, don't date other men. 

FYI, he SHOULDN'T be putting anyone above you. He is most definitely wrong there. But two wrongs don't make a right.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

my original posting wasnt seeking advice in "going for it" on a "promarriage forum".... i am "pro-marriage"... i wish me and my hubs could live happily ever after.. but the "ever after" part isnt in my hands. could you be "happily ever after" knowing that you're being kept a secret from your own inlaws? or our husband's best friends? have you been called a "roommate" in your own marriage? 

i think not.. so my puzzle isnt "do i love my hubs"... of course i do... my predicament is "does my hubs love me enough to protect me in front of his parents?"

my gut is "no"... but i wouldnt really know until the sheet hits the fan... 

like i said.. its a ticking time bomb.. we are in love.. but once his family finds out.. its' gonna be atomic...


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

...wait I'm sorry, do they not know you're even married?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What I'm guessing is he is Indian and his family thinks he is single. He doesn't want them to know he married an American. Am I correct? 
If so it's only a matter of time until his family finds an arranged marriage for him. And from the sound of it he will most likely divorce you and marry her. 
I've seen this too many times, Americans can't fathom the depth of family influence and loyalty these people have. Love of a spouse means nothing compared to love of their family. 
If this is the case, I don't blame you for being upset, but you need to ask him what is going to happen when they find the perfect bride for him? And how long does he plan on lying to them? And see what he says. He might not even tell you the truth. 
My thoughts are if you did contact his family they would most likely see you as a temporary obstacle to his "real" marriage. I'm sorry but Ive seen this before it never ends well for the American woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This poster's situation sounds a LOT like another one that was on here and got banned.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Banned for what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Banned for what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not sure exactly.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

cocovas09 ... You need to make a decision about your marriage before you get involved with someone else. If you cheat on your husband, the new guy will not respect you and he won't be able to trust you.

Either divorce your husband or work on your marriage. Don't cheat.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

cocovas09 said:


> my marriage has left me with some serious insecurities.. and i think maybe subconsciously or consciously who knows which.. i've been more open to other possibilities... i wouldnt say i "sought" this man out, but he's a customer at my bank. he owns the gas station right behind my building and he comes in daily to deposit his business' cash. there is always a mild flirtation between BOTH of us.. if i'm working that day he'll usually wait until i'm free to assist him.. the other day he came in and i said, "thank goodness you came! i was about to go broke!" and he said, "hun, you can call me anytime.. i'm just across the street"... sometimes when he comes in multiple times a day i'll ask him if he missed me so much he had to come back.. he'll laugh and say yes.
> 
> here's the kicker... he's so loud about his divorce.. apparently they made a $250,000 settlement that he has to pay her over the course of some time period so he's always transfering money from the business to give to his xwife. he calls it "giving to charity" when he comes it.. that's our code that he needs to pay her.
> 
> ...


You are being an arse.... you are flirting with fire. If you are that unhappy in your marriage. Divorce your husband, and only then can you pursue this man, bbut first, read thru your marriage vows, think about your children, read up on the impact divorce has on kids, and decide if you can live with all of that... if you can, go for it, if not, reconnect with your husband and ensure another bank teller handles this customer.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Where did you get they have kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Here's my take on this.

Neither one of you is very vested in this marriage. 

You feel that he's not invested in the marriage because of the way he puts his family before you. He has kept important information about you from them and continues to do so even after a deadline/ultimatum was given by you. 

You aren't vested in the marriage either. You have one foot out the door. I suspect you're looking around at other men because you know your husband isn't 100% in the marriage so you're keeping your options open too. It's also possibly a way to hurt him by saying "look buddy..you're not the only option for me. I can attract other men."

A marriage works when both partners are in. You can't do it by half measures. Either both of you are all in or not. 

What you're describing sounds like a marriage that's limping along, half alive. It's not a thriving marriage.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

i agree with you, coffee.. 

diwali... i'm not going to ask my hubs about it anymore.. i've beaten that dead horse for 2 years.. it's not productive... it only makes everything worse. i've already accepted the possibility of what you're describing, and i've financially prepared myself for that situation.. if that is my fate.. there's nothing i can do about it.. i cant control the future.. or his actions. i'd love to spend the rest of my life with him.. but im aware that that's probably not a realistic expectation for us. but you never know.. they could get blown up in a car bomb tomorrow... or he may actually find his balls .. but i dont know what's going to happen.. and i'm not gonna stress out about it everyday.. just letting life happen...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Then get a divorce. Don't become another run of the mill lowdown dirty cheater. Be true to yourself and honest with your husband. Don't take the cowards way out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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