# Husband moved out, how much time do I give him?



## sillysophie (Feb 20, 2016)

My husband moved out over a year ago. Went to work one morning and never came back. As of last November he's cut off all contact with me but hasn't filed for either divorce or separation. I've heard rumors from mutual friends that he's living with another woman but I have no proof. I don't even know where he is at this point other than the fact that he hasn't changed employers. His HR department still has his address on file at the home where we lived together. Which I've now moved out of as well because the rent was too much for me to pay alone. I know he's still alive because his health insurance is still valid. They also still have his old home address on file. He has no living family except a brother in CA he's been estranged from for years so I know his brother probably has no clue either. He has absolutely NO social media presence, at least not in his real name, that I have been able to use to track him down. I suppose I could go sit in the parking lot at his workplace and follow him when he leaves, but that seems at best illegal (stalking) and at worst dangerous if he catches me and gets mad. He has a terrible temper although he's never hit me or anyone else as far as I know - he's more the type to break stuff against walls or drive so fast he burns rubber.

Where do I go from here? Should I just go ahead and file for divorce, or do I give him more time to figure out whatever is going on in his life and maybe (although I know probably not likely) come back? If I do decide to file, where am I supposed to have him served? His office? That seems like it could get him in trouble which isn't really something I want to do. Not much chance of reconciliation if I do something that costs him his job.

The one thing I do know is that we can't work on fixing our marriage if we never see each other. I wish he had let me know that something was wrong rather than just walking out with no warning and never coming back. I honestly had no idea at all that he was unhappy enough to just walk out and be done, just like that. Yes he was a workaholic but he always seemed content enough when he was at home. I truly thought we had a good life and a good marriage - how does someone just walk away from almost 20 years without even a word as to why?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

sillysophie said:


> My husband moved out over a year ago. Went to work one morning and never came back. As of last November he's cut off all contact with me but hasn't filed for either divorce or separation. I've heard rumors from mutual friends that he's living with another woman but I have no proof. I don't even know where he is at this point other than the fact that he hasn't changed employers. His HR department still has his address on file at the home where we lived together. Which I've now moved out of as well because the rent was too much for me to pay alone. I know he's still alive because his health insurance is still valid. They also still have his old home address on file. He has no living family except a brother in CA he's been estranged from for years so I know his brother probably has no clue either. He has absolutely NO social media presence, at least not in his real name, that I have been able to use to track him down. I suppose I could go sit in the parking lot at his workplace and follow him when he leaves, but that seems at best illegal (stalking) and at worst dangerous if he catches me and gets mad. He has a terrible temper although he's never hit me or anyone else as far as I know - he's more the type to break stuff against walls or drive so fast he burns rubber.
> 
> Where do I go from here? Should I just go ahead and file for divorce, or do I give him more time to figure out whatever is going on in his life and maybe (although I know probably not likely) come back? If I do decide to file, where am I supposed to have him served? His office? That seems like it could get him in trouble which isn't really something I want to do. Not much chance of reconciliation if I do something that costs him his job.
> 
> The one thing I do know is that we can't work on fixing our marriage if we never see each other. I wish he had let me know that something was wrong rather than just walking out with no warning and never coming back. I honestly had no idea at all that he was unhappy enough to just walk out and be done, just like that. Yes he was a workaholic but he always seemed content enough when he was at home. I truly thought we had a good life and a good marriage - how does someone just walk away from almost 20 years without even a word as to why?



You are trying to nice him back by hoping and praying he will come back. WTF.... Seriously YOU DONT WANT HIM BACK. a person that could do ^^^ to you for over a year. 

Sure temporary insanity and come back within a short time frame like a month.. But honey its been over a year! 

He is living with another woman and without filling for separation or support you can't get what he should owe you in the division of assets. I am not sure your living situation but you wont want to wait around not knowing when HE is going to file. You need to move on. He is fence sitting. I bet he knows he could come back anytime at this point... Why come back? He hasn't lost ya...yet. Throw that jerk over. No more fence sitting. He made his choice. Not its time to untie the knot. Please FILE!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Please tell us that you don't have any children with this man.

In which case, obviously you should file for divorce immediately and get whatever you are entitled to legally.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Silly, have you been separated a year or since 2010 (your profile)?

You need to see a lawyer to protect yourself and your three boys financially and legally. I assume H is not paying child support, correct? I would think NYS would be very aggressive going after your H for the support. 

I did not say file for divorce, just see a lawyer to learn your rights. If you are still married, H's need debts could end up being your responsibility too, especially federal and state income tax.


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## sillysophie (Feb 20, 2016)

Sorry blueinbr the 2010 in the profile is a typo. We've been separated since mid-2014. I'll go fix it. I'm not really good with this iPhone keypad yet and spell checker doesn't catch numeric errors!

He does actually pay child support. We had a joint account that we used to put all our income into, now he puts in what HE decided was a valid amount of child support to pay. $1000 a month which is actually about right for his income. I think if I had a legal support order it might go up to like $1300. He also kept paying the rent - a hefty $1400 a month - for quite a while after he moved out, and he did let me know he was going to stop paying it in time for me to find another place I could afford on my own. He said he couldn't afford to keep paying rent on two places. We did have to move to a MUCH cheaper area since I make a WHOLE lot less money than he does.

Technovelist - I have no proof he is living with another woman. Just rumors from people I'm not sure I trust who have told me they've seen him out on the town with with another woman and a child who is younger than any of mine. At least one of these people is his ex-high school girlfriend who has been trying to break us up for years because she wants him back. So I really don't know as I believe her.

Threelittlestars - the reason I'm not just giving up is because I know he has emotional issues and I'm not sure if he even completely realizes what he is doing to us or why. He has childhood trauma (sexual abuse), ADHD, high functioning autism, and he also unfortunately did his brain some damage with hard drug use in college. Despite all that he was a great husband and father before he left, not to mention his employer LOVES him (he's been with this company for over 15 years, that says a lot in this day and age). I'm really not sure that he didn't just snap for some reason that had absolutely nothing to do with me or our family. I half wonder if he didn't leave because he had some sort of emotional breakdown and he didn't want us to see it. Which is why I keep debating whether or not I should approach him at work. I'm just afraid of how he might react because he has had emotional meltdowns in the past and they are pretty scary. I did go so far at one point as to email his boss who told me he thought I should leave him alone to work through whatever it was, and his boss happens to be one of his closest friends, they've known each other since college. Although his boss did refuse to tell me where my H is living now but I guess that's just friends protecting friends. Although my mother did tell me she actually wonders if the two of them are lovers, based on the way the two of them behaved together at our wedding (they've always been VERY touchy-feely with each other for supposedly straight men). I do question the fact that his boss seems to be condoning the fact that he hasn't seen his kids in over a year. Even if he doesn't want to see me you'd think he'd at least want to stay in touch with the boys.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Any chance the other woman is actually the other man? That could explain a lot. 

In any case, you need to close all joint accounts except the one the he puts the child support into. Do not keep any money in that account. As soon as H makes the deposit, you withdraw it and move to account that is in your name only.

I suspect at some point he is going to stop making voluntary payments. You still need to see a lawyer to find out your options. 

His payments seem low for NY. You may also be entitle to spousal support.


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## sillysophie (Feb 20, 2016)

Just something I want to add here:

I married my husband far too young, with no idea that he came with a TON of emotional baggage as well as mental disabilities. He has hurt me so many times over the years and I honestly don't know if he even realizes it. Sometimes I think he treats me the way he does as a way of getting revenge on his mother since she's dead so he can't get back at her. What she put him through no one on earth should ever have to deal with. I'm honestly glad she died before she had a chance at messing up her grandkids. It's really hard accepting that he may never GET that he is hurting me or truly be sorry for it. Our marriage appears to be at an end, what with him moving out and showing no interest in reconciliation, but if he came back I would probably still give him another chance because I honestly don't think he truly means to hurt anyone. He just doesn't seem to understand that other people have feelings, which actually I'm told is a common symptom of his Asperger's Syndrome which he was diagnosed with at about 30 years old. It breaks my heart because I've often wondered if his mother would have been abusive if she'd known he actually had a disorder rather than simply believing he was a deliberately difficult child. And she swore up and down she didn't know he was being sexually abused. He never told anyone until he met me and he wanted me to understand that sex was emotionally difficult for him. Which I totally understood since I was date raped in college and have some demons of my own where sex is concerned. But I've read a bunch of Asperger's memoirs and so many of these poor kids are treated SO horribly just because people didn't understand that they couldn't HELP being different. My middle son has it as well and I have people ask me on a regular basis why my one son is so hard to handle when his brothers are so well behaved. They seem to think it's a discipline problem so they don't get why all 3 of them don't have it. And far too many of them just seem to think that saying someone has Asperger's is just an excuse. It's not.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Stop analyzing this man. Who cares what his issues are or who he is living with/screwing? He left you A YEAR AGO. It's well past time to move on. 

Hire an attorney, file for divorce, file for official child support, have him served at work. Getting served divorce papers at work is generally not a problem. If he wanted to avoid such, he could have given you a valid address.

Asperger's isn't a catch all excuse for abandoning your wife and children. Sometimes, people are just azzholes on top of their mental illness.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Stop analyzing this man. Who cares what his issues are or who he is living with/screwing? He left you A YEAR AGO. It's well past time to move on.
> 
> Hire an attorney, file for divorce, file for official child support, have him served at work. Getting served divorce papers at work is generally not a problem. If he wanted to avoid such, he could have given you a valid address.


This ^^^ or live in limbo forever. It is time to move on. H already has. If H cleans up his act, you can always date him and marry him again if you choose.


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## sillysophie (Feb 20, 2016)

Child support in NY maxes out at 40% of NCP income for 4+ kids. I believe 3 kids is 33%. My sister has 4 kids and she only gets $40 a month per kid. But her ex is a deadbeat who doesn't work. $40 is the minimum amount an unemployed NCP can pay. My husband makes low six figures (I think the last W2 I saw was $102,000) but he does still pay for health insurance for all of us and the premiums for a family of 5 are $600 a month even WITH his employer's contribution. I hate to ask him for more than that, I inherited a fairly decent amount of money a couple of years ago which is seeing us through just fine, and all 3 of the boys have untouchable trust funds from their late grandfather that will more than put them through college. My husband works insane hours at a very difficult executive level position and as long as he continues to give me a decent amount of money willingly I'm not going to upset the apple cart by asking for more. If he ever stopped, you can be sure I would get an official support order!

I do wonder about his sexuality. He was sexually abused by a grown man when he was a child, and sadly enough it's not uncommon for boys who are molested by men to grow up confused about their sexual orientation. For all that we managed to make 3 kids (5 actually since there were 2 miscarriages) our sex life was never satisfactory for either one of us and took a serious nose dive after our (now 10 year old) youngest son was born. Maybe once a month? Pretty much by mutual decision - we never talked about it but he didn't seem to care and I know I didn't.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ok, so it seems that you are content for now with the financial arrangement. H has not abandoned his kids financially but he has abandoned his family physically and emotionally. You are divorced in all respects except two: On paper you are still married and you have not moved on. Both are significant hurdles to your future.

What about you? What do you want? Do you want to date again and find a partner worthy of you? This limbo will make that much more difficult.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are still not to acceptance after a year? You need to move on Sophie.
File for divorce. 
Anytime two guys are touchy-feely to a level that others notice--- yeah, that's a bad sign. But who cares?
You don't have a choice! You don't even know where he lives! 
Go to the bosses house and knock on the door if you want to know.

Just file and move on. Stop doing this to yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

sillysophie said:


> ... I would probably still give him another chance because I honestly don't think he truly means to hurt anyone. He just doesn't seem to understand that other people have feelings...


He's not even thinking about you and you're still trying to rescue him.

It's very sad what he's been through. But what about what you want? What about what you need? 

It would be very unfortunate if he came back and you ended up wasting the rest of your life trying to save someone who cannot be saved and cannot even appreciate your efforts.

When I was young I would always look for secret signs that the guy I was interested in liked me but was too shy, too something, to pursue me. Now I realize, when someone is interested in you, they want to be around you. They find a reason. 

The fact that he can be gone from you for over a year without a word? It doesn't matter if the reason is his fault or not -- the bottom line is: *He. Does. Not. Care. About. You.*

He probably cannot care about anyone. Heck, maybe he's actually all alone and prefers it that way. It's sad for him, but he did you a favor. Grab your freedom and run girl! File for divorce and have the life you deserve. Get therapy if you need it to figure out why you don't think you deserve a real marriage with a real man.

BTW - I don't think following someone one time is "stalking" but I understand your reluctance to do it yourself. If I were in your shoes, knowing what I know now, I would could hire a private investigator to find out what's really going on. But I would also file for divorce regardless of what you find out. Good luck to you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

He is shorting you 1200 a month based on the figures you supplied. Your reluctance in determining work is going on is baffling. Don't you children ask where there father is? You mention a large inheritance but you will not hire a PI ? I can't see how it would take more than two days yo find where he lives. 

How are you doing your taxes? How are you filing ?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

sillysophie said:


> Threelittlestars - the reason I'm not just giving up is because I know he has emotional issues and I'm not sure if he even completely realizes what he is doing to us or why. He has childhood trauma (sexual abuse), ADHD, high functioning autism, and he also unfortunately did his brain some damage with hard drug use in college. Despite all that he was a great husband and father before he left, not to mention his employer LOVES him (he's been with this company for over 15 years, that says a lot in this day and age). I'm really not sure that he didn't just snap for some reason that had absolutely nothing to do with me or our family. I half wonder if he didn't leave because he had some sort of emotional breakdown and he didn't want us to see it. Which is why I keep debating whether or not I should approach him at work. I'm just afraid of how he might react because he has had emotional meltdowns in the past and they are pretty scary. I did go so far at one point as to email his boss who told me he thought I should leave him alone to work through whatever it was, and his boss happens to be one of his closest friends, they've known each other since college. Although his boss did refuse to tell me where my H is living now but I guess that's just friends protecting friends. Although my mother did tell me she actually wonders if the two of them are lovers, based on the way the two of them behaved together at our wedding (they've always been VERY touchy-feely with each other for supposedly straight men). I do question the fact that his boss seems to be condoning the fact that he hasn't seen his kids in over a year. Even if he doesn't want to see me you'd think he'd at least want to stay in touch with the boys.


Okay....Husbands boss IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. you don't follow your husbands best buddies suggestions. He is not looking out for YOU. and you seem to imagine your husband as a victim of life and like you said maybe him and his boss are lovers. Your husband has an emotional caretaker already. 

Girl... Life throws curve balls at you. Im ADHD, i am also i guess possibly bipolar... not sure about that I'm going to see a counselor.I have had open heart surgery as an adult.. FOO issues. I am going through my husband having an affair. If anyone gets a melt down I HAVE EARNED IT! but you know what? Im not melting, because i am stone girl friend. Im stone and will stand longer than anyone. Why? because i chose to. 

Your husband chose to leave you, without so much as By your leave.... (You are worth way more than that!) HE IS A Pathetic human, and it sounds like you been making allowances for temper tantrums for far too long seeing as you know what would make him have a melt down and his characteristics when it happens. 

Your his door mat. Honey, quit being a thing to wipe his boot on. Lace up your own ***** boots and leave him cause he left you a long time ago. He is not a child...he is supposed to be your partner...and from what it sounds like, he is really just a big baby.... 

He is unstable. He is not a safe partner, and according to his history he never really was. He is alive and well, so File and be done with him and find yourself someone who won't leave you without at least telling you he is.

FILE MONDAY


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

Wow... I'm so sorry you are going through that.
I can't help but feel like something major is missing about all this. It's not uncommon for him to just up and leave, but to continue giving you financial support is what makes this situation really weird. 
Did something happen right before he left? How much warning did you have? How far did he leave too? Sorry if these have been answered already. Of course off the bat I think he's def involved with someone else and it's pretty deep if he upped and moved for it. But why keep you on the string and now just blocking you out?? Is there any way possible he could be doing drugs or something illegal?? 

Either way- you need to get the divorce process going. Girl, he upped and left you and has been gone for a year or so... Don't put up with that. You deserve way better than that. Even if he has been sending money. You have kids he still has responsibilities but he still LEFT.  
He's totally living a double life.. Or was and chose the other one. Time to start saying your goodbyes and focus on you. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

And don't give him ANY more time! Get down there asap.... 


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## sillysophie (Feb 20, 2016)

Imovedforthis - I think the catalyst for him leaving was my younger brother's death. He left just 2 weeks later. My husband has NEVER been able to deal with strong emotions - not his own but especially not those of others. I was an emotional basket case for the better part of 3 months (the time it took my brother to die after getting t-boned by a tractor trailer). I think he left because he just wasn't strong enough to deal with it. I remember when my FIL died husband retreated into himself for months. When one of his best friends was killed in a plane crash, he did the same thing. He didn't come to the hospital with me when my mom almost died. He didn't even come to the hospital with me for the boys' births. He said he couldn't deal with it - he told our counselor that being around physical and emotional pain makes him feel "suffocated" to the point where he thinks he's going to die. Which strikes me now as anxiety attacks although the counselor never suggested such. Drugs - he's done them in the past but he has a highly responsible executive level position (junior VP) now in a company that does random drug testing on a regular basis, so I doubt he's gone in that direction. Unless he knows his boss will cover for him. I really don't know. As far as where he moved to, I simply don't know. Maybe he's living with the boss, maybe he really does have another woman. Although considering he never really cared about sex I can't see him having an affair. I know at this point he's had his employer transfer him to a different facility than the one in the city where we lived together. He's working at their HQ now instead of their distribution facility, and their HQ is about 200 miles away. But I don't live within 100 miles of our old home now either. I'm not honestly sure he knows where we live now either - the money he gives me just gets deposited directly into our old joint bank account.

I've often thought he left because he couldn't deal with my emotional neediness at the time, and hasn't come back because he's probably too ashamed of himself. Maybe he just can't face us. Or maybe he's just basically forgotten we exist. He always did have a terrible memory. Not kidding here - one time that we all went out to eat he got up and went outside to take a call from work, forgot we were with him, and just LEFT without ever coming back to the table. It was a good thing we both had cell phones with us. Pissed me off to no end, especially when he told me to call my parents to come and get us because there was an emergency at work and he couldn't afford to come back for us and take us home. Never apologized either. Didn't even seem to think he'd done anything wrong.

John A - you asked what I've told the boys and it's basically that I believe their father had an emotional breakdown and can't handle being part of a family at this time. They've seen it before on a lesser basis with him and the oldest and youngest see similar characteristics in their brother who also retreats into himself when upset. So it's an explanation they've accepted fairly easily. He was a good father as far as doing things with them like sports but they were really never emotionally close. I'm not sure he's capable of being emotionally close to anyone. I think I've gotten closer to him than anyone else in his life. You also asked about taxes - we filed married separate for 2014 and I filed Head of Household this year since I'm the primary breadwinner at our physical address. I don't know what he's filing quite honestly without me around he may forget to file at all. After he moved out I found literally hundreds of dollars of unpaid medical and credit card bills in his filing cabinet - he said he'd forgotten to pay them. We had our rent and utilities on direct debit so that was never a problem. Took me months to sort it all out though, but at least he gave me the money to pay it all off rather than make me pay them out of my earnings.

As to why I've never hired a PI to find out the details - believe it or not, until you mentioned it, the thought had never crossed my mind. In the world I've lived in most of my life, it's just not something people do. I doubt I could even find a PI based within 50 miles of my home. I don't even have a neighbor within a mile of my home if that tells you how rural we are - we are approximately one house per square mile here. Surrounded by cornfields on all 4 sides. And a ridiculously low cost of living - our house in the city was $1400 a month for 1800 square feet and no land. The house we have now is $600 a month for 1800 square feet and 5 acres.

And even now that you've put the thought in my head, I still don't think I'd bother with a PI. For one thing, it's expensive. My inheritance wasn't exactly large - it was $20,000 and I am supporting three kids. I had to spend a good chunk of it on a car 2 years ago when my 20 year old junker finally bit the dust. So now I have a 10 year old car instead LOL... Spending money on a PI seems like a waste when if I really wanted to I could just walk into his office and confront him. I guess the truth is maybe I don't want to confront him. I want him to choose to come back of his own free will, because he's decided he can't live without us. But maybe you all are right - maybe he's been gone long enough that I need to just accept that he obviously CAN live without us, and just let him go. Maybe it's time to go to the county courthouse and start the paperwork. I really can't afford a lawyer, that would eat up what's left of my inheritance in a matter of months. But I know there are ways to do it yourself, especially when I doubt he would contest anything - it's not in his personality to seek conflict so if I just said I want a divorce that maintains the current status quo on child support and perhaps allow for some open-ended visitation if he ever decided he wanted it, I doubt he'd do anything but sign the papers and let that be the end of it. Who knows. I've texted him dozens of times asking him how he feels about a divorce, and he just never answers me. I'm not even completely sure he has the same phone number anymore. Or maybe he lost or broke the phone and just never replaced it. He had another one for work anyway.

It's sad looking back on what I've written I'm starting to realize how little I even care anymore. If he did come back I doubt things would ever be the same. I don't actually miss HIM, I miss having a husband and a father for my kids. My kids don't miss HIM - they miss having a father. Although strangely enough I don't think I would ever get involved in another serious relationship. I don't want to worry about getting involved with someone who might not be good to my kids, I don't like sex enough to miss it, and I'm one of those people who is perfectly happy with no company but my own. I have family close by to do things with, I have a good job that I really enjoy both the work and the people there. I have a good church and plenty of girlfriends and even a few close guy friends I can call if my car needs work or my plumbing breaks. I no longer have to deal with his passive-aggressive BS - he was the king of the silent treatment. I already know I don't NEED him or anyone in my life romantically. I honestly think I just don't CARE. Staying married doesn't hurt me (well actually it would I'd lose his health insurance on me), getting divorced isn't going to help me because I don't care about dating again. It's a horrible thought but maybe we're both just maintaining this crazy status quo because it's easier than making a change. That would involved actually doing something. Maybe what I really need is anti-depressants and some sunlight. I hate winter.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

sillysophie said:


> Imovedforthis - I think the catalyst for him leaving was my younger brother's death. He left just 2 weeks later. My husband has NEVER been able to deal with strong emotions - not his own but especially not those of others. I was an emotional basket case for the better part of 3 months (the time it took my brother to die after getting t-boned by a tractor trailer). I think he left because he just wasn't strong enough to deal with it. I remember when my FIL died husband retreated into himself for months. When one of his best friends was killed in a plane crash, he did the same thing. He didn't come to the hospital with me when my mom almost died. He didn't even come to the hospital with me for the boys' births. He said he couldn't deal with it - he told our counselor that being around physical and emotional pain makes him feel "suffocated" to the point where he thinks he's going to die. Which strikes me now as anxiety attacks although the counselor never suggested such. Drugs - he's done them in the past but he has a highly responsible executive level position (junior VP) now in a company that does random drug testing on a regular basis, so I doubt he's gone in that direction. Unless he knows his boss will cover for him. I really don't know. As far as where he moved to, I simply don't know. Maybe he's living with the boss, maybe he really does have another woman. Although considering he never really cared about sex I can't see him having an affair. I know at this point he's had his employer transfer him to a different facility than the one in the city where we lived together. He's working at their HQ now instead of their distribution facility, and their HQ is about 200 miles away. But I don't live within 100 miles of our old home now either. I'm not honestly sure he knows where we live now either - the money he gives me just gets deposited directly into our old joint bank account.
> 
> I've often thought he left because he couldn't deal with my emotional neediness at the time, and hasn't come back because he's probably too ashamed of himself. Maybe he just can't face us. Or maybe he's just basically forgotten we exist. He always did have a terrible memory. Not kidding here - one time that we all went out to eat he got up and went outside to take a call from work, forgot we were with him, and just LEFT without ever coming back to the table. It was a good thing we both had cell phones with us. Pissed me off to no end, especially when he told me to call my parents to come and get us because there was an emergency at work and he couldn't afford to come back for us and take us home. Never apologized either. Didn't even seem to think he'd done anything wrong.
> 
> ...


Bingo. You don't really want him back you just want him back because he SHOULD be there. Move on. Date, don't date...have sex or don't. But you got to think about how this looks to the kids. This is not normal. is this how marriage love and relationships should be modeled? The kids are growing and watching. they are learning. they learn what is healthy and normal from you.

added: you also have painted a clear picture that this man has NEVER BEEN A PARTNER. didn't even go with you to the hospital. This man is selfish, dysfunctional and i can't help it...A BIG GROWN ASS BABY..... girl. this guy is lame and sounds like he always has been.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Not sure how he could hold a high status job and being forgetful as much as you described here.

I would have to know why he left I would want closure, but that is just me. You seemed kind of scared to go to your husbands job and find out what is going on, why did he leave you and the kids. I feel that i at least deserve an answer, and if you don't need nor want one then just get a divorce and move on.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Spend this time on yourself...working on yourself, and why you would even want such a man back. You deserve the very best. My advice...get a lawyer, and serve the guy. If he exists, the lawyer will find him. And then say...hello to a much brighter future waiting for you. It will take time for sure to heal your heart, but this person has no regard for you AT ALL. It's time for you to take care of yourself, and find your own life again. ((((hugs)))


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Most people do want sex. 
My conclusion is that's he's in the closet or living with another woman.

You are very foolish not to divorce him. He abandoned you and not only does he not want to see you, but not even see his kids. This also makes me think he's in the closet.
If he doesn't even want to see his kids, he's a total loser of a man, and if he's in the closet-- doubt he is husband material for you.

Divorce. What else is there to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Your story is really sad. Jeez, how can people just abandon their own children?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you want my opinion, I think your husband is gay. I suspect he is living with or seriously seeing someone and he avoids his children because he cannot bear to tell them the truth. He's sending $$ because he A) is obligated to support his children and B) because he feels guilty.

It's been over a year. Your $20,000, minus car, won't last nearly as long as you'd like as a back up fund. The state set child support guidelines would allow you to support the children without you having to dip into your back up emergency funds and it is money owed to them, not you. You don't have the right to turn down what they are owed.

I did my own divorce because my exH and I had been separated for almost 2 years and neither had the money for a lawyer. I heard through a friend I could do my ow divorce, I did some research, and made it happen.

First, I contacted the county clerks and asked which papers they accepted (different counties accept different formats) and where to obtain them. I also asked if there was an additional packet for cases involving minor children and, it turns out, there was a separate packet at an additional cost.

I came to an agreement with my exH, I filled out the papers, and spent the day at the courthouse filing them. I then had a friend serve my exH, returned the proof of service, and got a court date.

My exH came to court, we did a brief conference with the judge, he set child support based on what my ex reported as his income,and we went back into the court for the official hearing and decree.

The whole process took 3 months and cost me about $250, including parking fees.

I just helped a friend do her divorce and the process was even simpler because now the county has the papers available on their website and, if the divorce is uncontested, you can even do the entire thing online with no court appearance necessary.

Do some research into the procedures where you live and get the ball rolling.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sounds like you are in the far north of NY by Maine and Canada. In any event it does seem you are actually ok eimg separated with no contact. Your not the first couple to be fine with this. 

Do you have any previous tax documents showing his income? It does appear hens shorting you by over a thousand dollars a month in child support plus some spousal support. It does sound like you can make due with a little over a thousand a month more. 

How was he to deal with in gettmg his medical bills payed. Did he just deposit the money you told him you needed? 

His Asbergers is the wild card. What few understand is they have their own reality-period. Time and time again if you are to deal with people successfully you need to work within their reality. What you do know is close physical proximately to love ones provokes fear of abuse. It may be the case that a "pen pal" approach will work best with him. For now send a text with family updates about yourself and each child on Friday, Monday, and Weds. Should have about a paragraph on each child, you and local news with a close asking him if he needs anything and to please contact you if you missed telling him something. Do not end with love you, miss you, please call. It only intimidate him. 

This is a long term plan and do not expect quick results. Remember in his mind Love = abuse. He may never want more or be capable of wanting only a sense of belonging with. As to increase in funding in the future please give every detail on how you got the medical bills paid.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Don't make excuses for him. He left you with no way for you to contact him or to see him! You are still his WIFE and it is completely wrong of him to do what he is doing to you. So yeah, file for a divorce and serve him at his job. Who cares if he gets in trouble? He did it himself by not handling this the mature way. If he wanted to leave, he could have done so by not acting like a child. No sympathy for him and that's the only address you have for him. If he gets in "trouble" or gets "embarrassed" by being served at his job then ohwell! He should have given you his new address or at least updated it with his job or insurance where you could have served him discreetly. Respect yourself more and stand up for yourself, you can do this.


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