# Advice please



## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

I've read through many posts lately about separation and how similar stories are to my own, that I wanted to share mine and hopefully get some help to guide me. I'm sorry if this is long, but I wanted to give as much info as I could and I haven't had anyone to vent to about this because I don't want my friends and family to know unless we were getting a divorce. I didn't want to ruin their relationship with my wife because of her actions, but here it goes...

My wife and I have been together 5 and a half years, married 2 and a half. The first 4 years were amazing. I had never been in love with anyone as much as I was/am with my wife. We hardly fought, we had similar goals and ambitions. We shared the load on everything we did (household chores, work, etc). We have a 16 month old daughter together. 

She had been slowly getting distant from me when she got buddy buddy with a coworker (actually her superior). In one week, she had sent more texts to him then she did to me in 8 months. I'm not the jealous type, so when she asked me if it annoyed me I said it was fine, I knew my wife wouldn't cheat on me and thinking it was a new friendship it would die off after a while. All the sudden they were going out to do things , she spent an entire day out with him shopping. I started to get worried, wondering why she was spending so much time with him. My wife became more distant. She didn't kiss me hello or goodbye, hug me, tell me she loved me. I've been turned down for sex by my wife for various reasons over the years, but she's never been angry with me for trying to be intimate. My wife had never flat out said "no" to sex or get annoyed when I'd make a move, but one night after going out to drinks with her coworker (and other friends she claimed) she got annoyed with me and rejected me harshly. We went two months without being intimate. 

During this time she came home with a new iPhone. Confused, I asked her where she got it. She claimed her friend (not the guy I was talking about earlier) at work upgraded and didn't need it anymore and gave it to her. It had to be the most obviously lie I had ever been told in my life. A little digging and I found out her superior had bought it for her for her birthday. And she had emailed him saying how terrible her birthday was, in which I cooked her dinner and got her a new coach purse she wanted. I also found that they were exchanging sexually suggestive emails and texts and we got in a huge fight and she refused to give the phone back. Also, she refused to admitting he bought it for her even with printed evidence right in her face. I don't get it. I've never yelled at my wife before that night. I felt betrayed and hurt. A phone was worth this much to her? Fine, I allowed it, in denial that maybe, just maybe, they were just friends still. A few days later, I found more evidence to the contrary and she admitted that one night they shared a drunken kiss. I was furious to say the least.

She admitted to claiming she told him all of our marital issues, many of which I didn't even know about, and many of which she couldn't explain. She said she hated being home with me and our child. All of the sudden our plan of buying our house (her dream house) and filling it with children and having a family was not good enough for her. She wanted to go back to school and get a MBA or maybe a doctorate (which I found out later, the guy was constantly criticizing her for not having a better degree) She said she wasn't able to feel love like she used too. Her father left when she was young and blames him for most of her intimacy issues. I always thought my wife was prone to depression or bipolar disease but never went to a doctor. But still, she was confiding in a guy she just met about issues she never made me aware of, and which seemed to center on me loving her more than she loved me back. Even her friends and family would mention how I was too nice to her. I was too confused and angry she had betrayed me but I forgave her, as long as she agreed to stop this relationship immediately. She agreed.

Things went well for a month or two, our sex life came back, but something was always off, she was forcing it. Then I found a note that she had wrote. It was basically a list of ways this coworker makes her feel like well, ****, and how she just wants to please him. He's condescending toward her and all this stuff. Basically, it seemed to me like she is one of those girls who likes to be treated wrong. I confronted her about it. She said she and him got in an argument one day a few weeks back (so she didn't stop their relationship) and she wrote it to tell him. My wife has never done anything like that with me, and I told her maybe if she did come with me with issues maybe we wouldn't be at odds with each other. I told her I couldn't keep getting lied to, it was killing me. She told me she didn't know if she loved me anymore and swore she never had sex outside the marriage, only the one drunken kiss.

I told her that her coworker needs to know that I know everything and it needs to stop because she is still my wife and she may not love me anymore, but at least give me some respect. She agreed, but I took it with a grain of salt. I asked her if she wanted a divorce, she said she's not sure, but wants to separate for a while and I want to try counseling, which she agreed to as well. Our house has a separate apartment with a separate entrance and all, so I moved in there. I've lost a considerable amount of weight from this whole ordeal and don't really eat anymore from the stress. I still very much love my wife and I want try and make it work. I'm thinking she doesn't though, and is just waiting for her coworker to grab her hand before letting go of mine.

I'm a very level headed and caring person. My wife however, has never really been the lovey-dovey type, but had never been as cold as she had been after meeting this other guy. I know if it wasn't a physical affair, its definitely an emotional one, and a strong and messed up one at that. I don't really believe anything my wife says anymore. I don't even know if its worth it to do the separation. I know only I can make that decision, but I wanted some advice or opinions on what to do. My wife agreed to do one-on-one therapy as well, but hasn't attempted to move on it. Over the past year with our issues I've taken up most of the housework on top of my job. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of our child. I'm wondering if the separation will make her realize how much I do for her, and wake up from this fog she's in. What would you do?


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Lots of similarities to my story. That's what blows my mind the most about this site. How so many women and do almost the exact same things. It definitely gives credit to the "nice guy" theory. 

I truly feel for you Broken. Like I said, much of your story is like listening to myself two months ago (in 5 days). 

I would be highly suspicious of your wife's intentions after separating, and it sounds like you are. On the bright side, by this point mine was already driving two hours to see her posOM every weekend, so you might still have some hope of a R. 

The hard part is this: by just about everything I've seen, the most successful way to initiate a R is to start the 180. You need to become someone she desires again. Show her the person she feel in love with, but an even better, improved version. 

Start working on yourself. You can hope for a R, but prepare for a D. If you focus on you and it ends in a D you will be all set to move on.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> Lots of similarities to my story. That's what blows my mind the most about this site. How so many women and do almost the exact same things. It definitely gives credit to the "nice guy" theory.
> 
> I truly feel for you Broken. Like I said, much of your story is like listening to myself two months ago (in 5 days).
> 
> ...


Thanks Lost, I actually just read your story it is very similar to mine. I'm going to look at this 180 and begin working on it. It sounds like a much better plan then moping around at least!


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Your story hits home for me too. My wife is spending New Years with her new 'friend' 1,500 miles away from me and our 3 children. I have been out of the home for a month now, still adjusting. Having the kids over is really tough. Having to tell them that tomorrow mom will be back to pick them up is heartbreaking. My son asks me if I can sleep at his house. I have to try to delicately tell him in a simple way that this new house of mine is also his too. I want him and his sisters to visit as much as possible but have to share that time with mom too. He doesn't quite understand and that hurts too, cause neither do I. All I can do is be the best dad I can be for them. Hope for the best. Look forward to a positive future!
Stay strong! The 180 certainly helps the process, but is still really hard to let it all go.


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## remmebr (Feb 21, 2012)

The story is amazingly similar to mine as well. My husband started hanging out with a co-worker more frequently telling me they were just friends. This was two years ago....I found approximately 1000+ texts per month for several months between the two of them. He said he would stop and it was inappropriate. A few months later he downloaded a free texting application and started texting her again. I busted him again and he cried, etc...He stopped coming home on some nights, became distant towards me, said he has ruined everything beyond repair, we have nothing in common, etc...I did the 180, but it didn't bring him around....he has emotionally checked out with me...Here I am two years later and finally kicked him out of the house and will be filing. It's so hard when you love someone and they turn into someone that you do not even know anymore. I would recommend the 180, but take advice from me...don't wait two years to see if they come around. I should have known better after a few months of the 180. I hope she comes around, and if she does I would demand intense counseling, transparency with phone, and that she must find a job elsewhere.....otherwise, it is bound to continue or at least weigh heavy on you knowing that they are seeing each other at work every day....I'm sorry this is happening to you...


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## MGM654 (Dec 16, 2012)

Here's the harsh reality that you need to hear...she's sexually active with him. She doesn't know if she wants a divorce yet because she doesn't know if it'll work out with him and you are her safety net. A drunken kiss? If you believe that, you are naive. You caught her red-handed and she only told you that partial truth so you would back off. You wanted to believe that it was only a kiss because you love her. You are getting played buddy. 

Here's my advice (for what it's worth). If you want her back (which I wouldn't, but who am I to judge), you need to get as confident as it gets. Get a gym membership, tan, eat right, laugh more, be funny, and by all means don't get jealous. There is nothing more attractive on this planet than a smiling face. Get one. Make her want you. She wants him because he uses the art of seduction...he one ups her and listens to her. You can do that too, but in a much more seductive way. When she talks, listen...don't judge. Smile, tell jokes, laugh. Be busy as much as you can. Wear cologne, be well groomed, and dress like you stepped out of GQ. Seduction is an art. Study it and you'll have her begging you for sex, not the other way around. Just remember, don't be obvious with your efforts...the key to persuasion is to be covert.

Ask any attractive woman that was in a bad relationship why she viewed it as bad. She'll tell you, "he was jealous, he didn't listen to me, he was boring, he never took me anywhere, everyday was the same, i wasn't attracted to him anymore (because he didn't work out, groom himself well, smell good, smile, etc.), he was jealous, or he was controlling. Don't be that guy.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

MGM654 said:


> Here's the harsh reality that you need to hear...she's sexually active with him. She doesn't know if she wants a divorce yet because she doesn't know if it'll work out with him and you are her safety net. A drunken kiss? If you believe that, you are naive. You caught her red-handed and she only told you that partial truth so you would back off. You wanted to believe that it was only a kiss because you love her. You are getting played buddy.
> 
> Here's my advice (for what it's worth). If you want her back (which I wouldn't, but who am I to judge), you need to get as confident as it gets. Get a gym membership, tan, eat right, laugh more, be funny, and by all means don't get jealous. There is nothing more attractive on this planet than a smiling face. Get one. Make her want you. She wants him because he uses the art of seduction...he one ups her and listens to her. You can do that too, but in a much more seductive way. When she talks, listen...don't judge. Smile, tell jokes, laugh. Be busy as much as you can. Wear cologne, be well groomed, and dress like you stepped out of GQ. Seduction is an art. Study it and you'll have her begging you for sex, not the other way around. Just remember, don't be obvious with your efforts...the key to persuasion is to be covert.
> 
> Ask any attractive woman that was in a bad relationship why she viewed it as bad. She'll tell you, "he was jealous, he didn't listen to me, he was boring, he never took me anywhere, everyday was the same, i wasn't attracted to him anymore (because he didn't work out, groom himself well, smell good, smile, etc.), he was jealous, or he was controlling. Don't be that guy.


The only reason I tend to believe her about no further contact other than the kiss is because that's all I have proof of, and how far she goes to deny it to me. Honestly, I almost just want to stumble on something that proves she did it so I can stop feeling so depressed and move on with my life.

I told her when we got together, and later in our marriage, that if I ever caught her having sex with anyone else there would be no question that our relationship in every facet would be over. Obviously, it never will be like that with our daughter in the picture, but we'd never get back together romantically . I think she knows that, and it may be the only reason she hasn't been sexual with him. Plus she claims that if she were going to sleep with someone, it wouldn't be someone she worked with that would ruin her career.

I know, I know, I'm probably being naive and clinging to something that is most likely already dead, but I'm willing to wait for a little while longer to get solid proof. On the bright side, I've started the first few steps of the 180 and its going well. I'm thankful I found this community to get this stuff off my chest.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

This is my view. Stop contact with her. Just cause she seem attracted to this man but it doesn't mean she wants to have a relationship with him.

Cutting off conversations with her other than about your child. Right now she is getting both. She gets you and him. Now she needs to make a choice. You or him. 

It hurts.. I did it for 4 months. It gets easier.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> This is my view. Stop contact with her. Just cause she seem attracted to this man but it doesn't mean she wants to have a relationship with him.
> 
> Cutting off conversations with her other than about your child. Right now she is getting both. She gets you and him. Now she needs to make a choice. You or him.
> 
> It hurts.. I did it for 4 months. It gets easier.


I've begun the steps to cease contact with her. I no longer text, email or call her unless I'm responding to something she asked me.

Now the big question, I told her to tell the OM that I know everything (which I'm sure there is a lot I don't know. I need to get a hold of her cell phone which she always has on her and is always locked). And if she didn't tell him that I know, I will. I'm almost positive she agreed to do it because she thinks I won't. Luckily, it was rather easy to find his address, e-mail address, his phone number, and he was dumb enough to send her his work schedule so I know when he works. I'm not really worried about a physical confrontation with this man, as I'm about twice his size, but I don't want to drive my wife further away. I'm going to give her a few more days before I blow the lid off of everything, because I have about one F*** left to give right about now.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

My story is similar too. I decided his distant behavior, lack of concern for my feelings, and refusal to set things right was enough. "Don't know, don't care" has become my attitude about whether the EA(s) became PA. That's not how I felt at first, of course, but after a few months of anger, suspicion, etc, I decided the heck with it, I don't want to wonder anymore. Good luck to you with whatever you decide.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> The only reason I tend to believe her about no further contact other than the kiss is because that's all I have proof of, and how far she goes to deny it to me.


Almost exact same story here too. 

The reason she is only admitting to a kiss is that's all you have proof of. Investigate and expose! VAR under her car seat. hack her FB. Get into the phone.

Mine will still only admit to a kiss even though it happened at OM's house where she stayed all night repeatedly and immediately washed her outfit and showered upon coming home. And missed her daughter's award ceremony at school in the process. And she only admitted to kissing AFTER I completed the divorce papers.

Don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Believe her actions and your gut!


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

Yeah, its all bullcrap. Shes cheating in every way. Threaten divorce, then if you get no movement, follow up and do it. Trust me, i just spent a year playing this f*cking game. You are headed for divorce. You have the information. YOU make the choice. TRUST ME PLEASE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm going to have to agree with most people here. Two months ago I was in the same boat. Go NC, it gets easier from there, but I don't think it brings them back. 

That is why it is so important for you to be ok with you. Because that is likely what you'll be for a little while. No more "us". I can tell you from recent experience that if you get yourself right and work on you for a bit, that there are plenty of other fish in the sea... Hopefully some that communicate if they are unhappy and don't cheat.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

You know what got things moving in my relationship? I served her with papers then stopped all conversation.

From now on only use e-mail as your method of conversation. Start documenting on a calendar everything she has said and when. You will need this in court.

Call her bluff. Once she sees your serious you will get her attention.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Get the book "Not Just Friends".

My stbxw never said a word about our marriage being in trouble until she was having an affair. She claims she "tried" but all she had to do was say words like "marriage in trouble" and she would've had my undivided attention. 

Only thing I got were complaints that when she crawled into bed at 5am I would roll over in my sleep instead of snuggling or putting the moves on her. NOW she says this was proof to her that I do not love her. She wouldn't listen to me when I said I'd rather be intimate when I'm not sleeping. Funny how this was proof for her, but only because it was when SHE wanted it. Now she says that for years when I wanted it she just did it out of duty. Nevermind the fact that she's a nympho and we've actually had an excellent sex life for the last 10 years... well until she met OM. Then it deteriorated completely in the span of weeks.

During the affair they are completely out of touch with reality. They feel guilt and shame for what they are doing and so feel unlovable. And if they feel unlovable then you must not love them. And if you do not love them then you must never have loved them. So the marriage was horrible the entire time and they never felt love from you. And that means you pushed them into an affair and it's all your fault. Therefore you deserve to be treated this way and they deserve to be loved by OM. And then they feel dirty and the circular thought process repeats. 

...until YOU break it by doing 180, exposing affair to all, and filing if necessary. You will get a response if you do this. Sometimes it brings them back, sometimes it doesn't. But it helps YOU. 

Focus on what you NEED out of life, not who or what you want.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Seems to be a reoccurring theme. Wife grows bored and instead of working with husband to fix things she goes somewhere else to talk things out with a stranger and then naturally acquires feelings for them.

All I can say is good luck to you. Most all advice will be no contact, do the 180.



zillard said:


> My stbxw never said a word about our marriage being in trouble until she was having an affair. She claims she "tried" but all she had to do was say words like "marriage in trouble" and she would've had my undivided attention.
> 
> Only thing I got were complaints that when she crawled into bed at 5am I would roll over in my sleep instead of snuggling or putting the moves on her. NOW she says this was proof to her that I do not love her. She wouldn't listen to me when I said I'd rather be intimate when I'm not sleeping. Funny how this was proof for her, but only because it was when SHE wanted it. Now she says that for years when I wanted it she just did it out of duty. Nevermind the fact that she's a nympho and we've actually had an excellent sex life for the last 10 years... well until she met OM. Then it deteriorated completely in the span of weeks..


 She saw proof everywhere you didn't love her because she wanted to see it. I think when our wives met someone else they immediately looked for things that bothered them as 'evidence' their husbands didn't love them. So therefore it was ok to go have a affair or connect with someone else, because they are so 'unloved' in their marriage. 

Makes me sick to my stomach. My wife did all of that and the whole rewriting history thing and claiming she hasn't felt loved in a long time. Etc. It doesn't matter if you can easily remember recent times that you know she was happy in love. She's convinced herself otherwise and is actively trying to remember all the ways you wronged her and forget any of the good times.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Again, sorry if this is long, need to vent. 

Hit another bump in the road last night. I found out that she bought OM an expensive Christmas gift. We share a bank account, did she think I wasn't going to find out? Anyways, she immediately canceled the order without my input. I still saw red, and I confronted her about it. She said the only reason she did it was because he bought something for her, but said she wasn't going to accept it. (BS, she wouldn't have bought him a gift had she not or was not going to accept his gift to her).

I'm not trying to be cynical about her actions, but I've been lied to so many times by now that I don't believe a single thing she says. We had a long discussion about OM, and how he apparently, according to her, says inappropriate things to all his married friends and coworkers and buys them all gifts too (BS). Even if its true, why someone hasn't stood up to this hobbit is beyond me. I told her that her relationship was hurting me and she didn't care, and that he has shown zero respect for me or our marriage. 

She agreed last week to tell him that I know about their EA, or whatever it is, and she still hadn't because she was waiting to tell him in person. I told her I can't make any promises I won't confront him for before she does. She asked what if she ends her relationship with OM and then our marriage still fails, and I said I'd be fine with it, and she longer has the choice of being married to me or being "friends" with him, its over with one of us. She claims I'm only focusing on a small part of our marriage troubles, but its a huge one for me, and that my main focus should be on why she views me as a just a good friend instead of her husband. I'm tired of it. Who gets friendzoned by his own wife??

Our marriage is in a one step forward, two steps backward phase. She actually was happy to talk to me yesterday, then even had me over for dinner. I didn't push any issues or try to kiss, hug, or do anything else. I didn't even stay as long as I wanted. After dinner I played with my daughter some and left. Then she spends over a hundred dollars for a gift for OM? She agreed something is wrong with her, and to go to MC, and hopefully IC as well. I would take that as a small win, but I just can't. I really do think she suffers from a bipolar disorder, but my biggest fear is that she is in fine mental health and I fell in love with a horrible person, what does that say about me? I'm so tired, so dragged down, I hate who I've become, and I hate the direction my life has turned. All i want is some proof one way or the other that my wife really does love me or she had a PA (unforgiveable) with OM so I can get out of this fog. 

I just don't get it. I can understand why there is a book called "Everything We Know About Women" and it is full with hundreds of blank pages.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

STOP TALKING TO HER. You are making it worse.

How can she miss you if you don't go away. Since you are there she has nothing to miss.

Go to the bank and get your own bank account. Tell your bank manager that you are split from your wife and you need to protect yourself. DO THIS NOW.

Tell her to get her own account and that the joint account is only for what NEEDS to be in there to cover bills.

You need to stop catering to her self esteem. Leave her alone and let her dig her own hole.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

At this point, does it really matter to you if there was more than a kiss? You know she's lied to you multiple times. She knows how you feel, and purposely wasted opportunities to end things with him. Example: he got her an expensive Christmas gift after she knew how you felt. She should have given it back, and said, I don't think it's appropriate for me to accept this from you. I'm married, and while my H and I are having a difficult time right now, I respect him and we are trying to work on things. Period. End of discussion. If she (just playing devil's advocate here) felt she couldn't go against him without it affecting her job, she needs to either file a harassment claim against him, or find another job (preferably the latter as it gets her away from him).

From the little you've said, I don't know what makes you believe she's bipolar. Not to say she doesn't have some form of depression, or even a mid-life crisis, but not so sure about bipolar.

It's unfortunate, but once the spouse (male or female) has convinced him/herself that you are the cause of the unhappiness s/he feels, there is really nothing the other spouse can do to convince him/her otherwise. The emotional disconnect has happened. It takes a lot of work to get it back, and it's not as exciting as the thrill of a new relationship. These breakups almost always happen during times of stress, or when the relationship hits that phase when the infatuation is over and the 'comfortable' love begins. Someone who helps them escape from the stress, and/or gets the endorphins running again is always easier to deal with than the hard work of counseling, recognizing faults, making changes, etc. It's sad, but true.

And it's especially hard when the BS is someone who would work on things, who does recognize their own part in things, and wants to create something better. 

The only thing left to us is to take that desire and put it towards working on ourselves. It isn't time or energy wasted. Self-improvement is always good, whether one is in a relationship or not, or a parent or not. Even going through the pain we have been through can make us more compassionate people if we do this right. 

It's a hard, painful slog sometimes. It may even seem like the WS is getting what they want while you're suffering. But if they are not changing, they will end up in the same place again, eventually. You, hopefully, will be in a better one. If for no other reason than you are not a part of their drama anymore. Lack of drama isn't the same as happiness, but it's nothing to sneeze at. 

Sorry you've had to join us here at the Island of Misfit Spouses, BD77, but we understand. My H had multiple EAs, and I tried to understand and forgive and blame myself through all of them. I got the ILYBINILWY speech anyway. It's taken a long time to get to the final end of our legal marriage, but I can finally see that it should have ended a long time ago. I should have been better to myself and ended it first -- during the first EA. When you're outside of this for a while, BD77, you just might say the same thing. You gave her a *lot* of chances, and she failed you on all of them. 

Forgive yourself for your part in things, work to be the best dad that you can be to your daughter, and be the best you can be to yourself.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

It ended today. I told my wife I was divorcing her. I found out everything I need to know from her text messages. Worse than I could ever imagine. I saved them all and printed off her emails with this scum OM so I could have them if needed for divorce and parenting purposes.

I've known about it for a long time, but couldn't, or didn't want, to believe that it was as horrible as this. Had she admitted her mistake a long time ago, there could have been some hope for us, but not anymore. No remorse. The second I called her at work, and told her the D word, she started bawling, asking me not to leave and she thought we were going to try counseling, and she didn't want to lose me or my daughter. I told her she had her chance, and she should of thought of that a long time ago and its over. I also called the OM and told him I hope he was happy with destroying my family and to burn in hell. I actually felt much better after standing up for myself.

I didn't cry a single time today, I did get mad and shattered a picture of us from when we first started dating (whoops) but I'm done with this. All that matters is my daughter and myself from now on. I want to thank you all for your help and advice. I'm relieved in a way, that now I know the truth and can move on, nothing is holding me back anymore. I no longer love or respect my wife. Try as she will, there is no turning back from here, there is no future with us. 

I have to look on the bright side, I have a beautiful daughter, and I'm young and healthy and I have a family that has showered me with love and sympathy since I found this all out. I had clarity when I was speaking with them and told them not to let me fall back into anything with her. I know the future is still rough sailing ahead. But I'm ready to smile again and move on.

Only one more thing I need to get advice on. The both work for a catholic hospital. There is a hotline to call if employees are violating the company's and catholic policies. I don't think they'd really like if their employees are engaging in extra-marital affairs. Should I report them? I'm really mad right now and I'm sure I should take a minute to calm myself more before trying to get that POS OM fired.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

If she's unemployed, would there be a chance you'd have to pay alimony (that you wouldn't pay if she's working)?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I wouldn't personally report them. Plus if your wife loses her job that could work against you in a divorce. 

Sounds like you are angry right now and resolved to end this marriage which is good. Just don't let yourself forget this frame of mind. I know I went through a few times feeling like its done and had no feelings for my wife only to later miss her. Divorce is the roller coaster from hell as far as emotions go.

Just keep down the path of doing what's best for you and your child and everything will work out.

Revenge may feel good for a moment, but is not really a wise move. It tends to backfire on you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That's what I'm thinking, too. You still have a lot of legal wrangling ahead of you. Don't burn all your bridges just yet.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Exposing to hr could be effective if your goal is to end the affair and possibly reconcile, but yeah - could cause problems for your D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Ouch...story hits home with me. I agree if its Divorce you want then let her keep her job. I would tuck that in your back pocket for a while. Please don't backslide or rugsweep.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> Ouch...story hits home with me. I agree if its Divorce you want then let her keep her job. I would tuck that in your back pocket for a while. Please don't backslide or rugsweep.


I have the number for the hotline in case I want to expose them. I'm keeping it just in case. I spoke at length with my...whatever she is now, last night. I wanted to get my closure. How could she do this? Why did she do this? Did she love him? Was she even safe about it?

Well, she doesn't know why she did it, said she understands if I leave. She said she can't accept love, and when she gets it she runs away. She said she didn't love him but there were feelings there. And they didn't even use a condom! How stupid. Really, this ordeal brought out who my wife truly is. 

The OM truly has nothing more to offer than money, and I fear that's all she was after. She said she'd need "help" if/when we get divorced and most likely would lean on him for help. Right. I told her I was disgusted with her and that I'm shocked she'd let our child be around the man (I use that term loosely) that ruined our marriage and split us up. She was pleading with me not to go. I asked why I should stay, but she can't even guarantee she would go NC with OM. She claimed she'd do whatever I want. Yet when I suggested NC and she move to a different job she said what would happen if we didn't work out still? Ridiculous. And while we were talking she got a text from the OM who was researching divorce laws for her, what an ass. 

Today is the first day I'm not wearing my wedding ring, and am all alone in the house. I'm so tired, hurt, depressed, and confused today. I still love her as much as I try to tell myself not too, but I am still pursuing a divorce. Again, I'm happy to have found this site as an outlet and appreciate all the advice I've received. 

There are some people in this world who are so poor, all they have is money.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> Well, she doesn't know why she did it, said she understands if I leave. She said she can't accept love, and when she gets it she runs away. She said she didn't love him but there were feelings there. And they didn't even use a condom! How stupid. Really, this ordeal brought out who my wife truly is.


Low self-esteem for starters. Pile on top of that, but realize it was not about you, regardless of how much she blame shifts. You may not have been the perfect, attentive husband (who is?) but she made a *conscious* choice to ride OM and break her vows.



brokendown77 said:


> She was pleading with me not to go. I asked why I should stay, but she can't even guarantee she would go NC with OM. She claimed she'd do whatever I want. Yet when I suggested NC and she move to a different job she said what would happen if we didn't work out still? Ridiculous.


Not just ridiculous, but dishonest! You still love her so really the only reason it wouldn't work out is if she is unwilling to do the hard work necessary to *earn* back your trust. What she is really saying is, "What if I decide I want him more? Then I'll no longer have YOUR support." Cake and eat it too.



brokendown77 said:


> Today is the first day I'm not wearing my wedding ring, and am all alone in the house. I'm so tired, hurt, depressed, and confused today. I still love her as much as I try to tell myself not too, but I am still pursuing a divorce.


You should feel all those things and then some. Let yourself. But don't show her. Be strong and dispassionate around her. She doesn't deserve to see you distraught - she doesn't care. She is only focused on her feelings. You do the same. 



brokendown77 said:


> There are some people in this world who are so poor, all they have is money.


Sooo, so true. Sad, isn't it. But great to know that you are above that!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Tell her to pack her stuff and go be with other man. She can start leaning on him now. Don't let her see you weak. Detach. She's clearly in thr fog.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> Tell her to pack her stuff and go be with other man. She can start leaning on him now. Don't let her see you weak. Detach. She's clearly in thr fog.


Phew! She almost had me! She cried and pleaded with me not to go again. I had a moment of weakness. She texted me all night before she went to bed. I agreed to spend a day alone with her. I went up to our room and talked to her while she was in the shower the next morning, just like old times, but this time I grabbed her phone and found out she was texting OM all night as well. Funny!

Got into a huge fight again and she left to stay with her mother. Probably for the best. I went over the old texts from her to OM that I confiscated earlier just to give myself some closure one way or the other if I really want to work it out or sever all ties. Boy oh boy, am I glad I did that!

She had no regrets after the first time, no guilt, and even more lies! I asked her if he'd ever been to our house, she said no, which was true, but she invited him over while I was out with my daughter to a family breakfast! Classy! Skimmed through more, found pictures they sent to each other in their underwear, and some without said underwear in place. What's sad is I still love my future ex-wife, and I contemplated forgiving her and trying to make it work. Glad I talked some sense into myself. 

I still can't decide if I should feel happy or sad that she had an affair with a weasel that was not only older, shorter, less fit, and balding, but also was much smaller in the pants department. Just reminds me that I was right all along, all she cared about was money. 

It really irks me that they won't stop talking even while we are going through our, now for sure, divorce. She tells me to leave him out of it, but she talks to him daily. I took two of the pictures exposing their genitals and sent it to the OM telling him to cease talking to my wife or I'd forward them to the catholic hospital he worked at telling him that I'm sure they'd love knowing they employ an adulterer. I wouldn't actually send them because he and my future ex wife would lose their jobs, which I actually don't feel all that bad about, but I'm not about to do anything to jeopardize my future relationship and visiting hours with my daughter. It was mostly just to scare him, and it worked. 

I know I know, I should be above that, and I'm playing with fire, but I needed to give this sorry excuse for a human a taste of his own medicine. I just need to walk away, get sorted out and end everything. But its not that simple. Especially with the holidays, our house that needs a lot of work before it can be sold, and above all else my daughter. At least now I know what I for sure want. We are going to spend one last family Christmas together and go our separate ways, and I don't think I could be more relieved.

My real problem is this: I can't stomach the thought of OM having a role in my daughters life. I know that my wife and the OM's relationship will not work after we get divorced because it has nothing to stand on now that the affair is exposed and money can't buy happiness. I know there are people who have gone through this. I need to know if it gets easier knowing your kids spend time with the person that ruined your marriage. 

I'm filled with hate today, but not sadness. All I want is revenge, and I know that's not right. I'm a good father, I know in my heart I am. It just terrifies me that she might one day look at him and call him daddy, even accidentally, and it will break my heart.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> Phew! She almost had me! She cried and pleaded with me not to go again. I had a moment of weakness. She texted me all night before she went to bed. I agreed to spend a day alone with her. I went up to our room and talked to her while she was in the shower the next morning, just like old times, but this time I grabbed her phone and found out she was texting OM all night as well. Funny!
> 
> Got into a huge fight again and she left to stay with her mother. Probably for the best. I went over the old texts from her to OM that I confiscated earlier just to give myself some closure one way or the other if I really want to work it out or sever all ties. Boy oh boy, am I glad I did that!
> 
> ...


SAWEEEET! :lol:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> My real problem is this: I can't stomach the thought of OM having a role in my daughters life. I know that my wife and the OM's relationship will not work after we get divorced because it has nothing to stand on now that the affair is exposed and money can't buy happiness. I know there are people who have gone through this.* I need to know if it gets easier knowing your kids spend time with the person that ruined your marriage. *
> 
> I'm filled with hate today, but not sadness. All I want is revenge, and I know that's not right. I'm a good father, I know in my heart I am. It just terrifies me that she might one day look at him and call him daddy, even accidentally, and it will break my heart.


Not so far. STBXH is still with his last EA that turned into PA after I moved out. She's now living with him while she's here for the holidays (teaching outside the U.S. this school year). "They" just went to my son's Christmas sing-along program since I couldn't take off work again (had to for a concert earlier in the week). She has stated that she doesn't want to be DS' step-mother and doesn't even want kids of her own, but it still bothers me a lot that those two are now a big example to my son of what a relationship is like. That breaking up with one person to be with another is just OK. I told him I didn't want her spending the night until it was 'serious' but, of course, to him it was 'serious' from the beginning. 

There's not much you can do but be the best parent YOU can be when you have your daughter. Be a good example of an honorable man. Don't act out of revenge, no matter how tempting it is. She will respect you. She's young now, but eventually she'll learn the truth. 

Sorry that this is going down this way for you.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Not so far. STBXH is still with his last EA that turned into PA after I moved out. She's now living with him while she's here for the holidays (teaching outside the U.S. this school year). "They" just went to my son's Christmas sing-along program since I couldn't take off work again (had to for a concert earlier in the week). She has stated that she doesn't want to be DS' step-mother and doesn't even want kids of her own, but it still bothers me a lot that those two are now a big example to my son of what a relationship is like. That breaking up with one person to be with another is just OK. I told him I didn't want her spending the night until it was 'serious' but, of course, to him it was 'serious' from the beginning.
> 
> There's not much you can do but be the best parent YOU can be when you have your daughter. Be a good example of an honorable man. Don't act out of revenge, no matter how tempting it is. She will respect you. She's young now, but eventually she'll learn the truth.
> 
> Sorry that this is going down this way for you.


Thanks angelpixie, one of the best things about this site is to know that you are not alone. As much as I feel sad/depressed, I know others have been down this road, and it makes me feel a little better. 

Today I've been going on an emotional roller coaster. Last night I didn't answer any phone calls or texts from anyone, I spent a quite night in my garage alone building a tool bench I wanted to build months ago before exposing their affair. My wife left to spend a couple days with her family. She texted me, first upset that I texted OM to back off during this time, but then worried because I didn't answer any of her messages. Apparently she thought I was going to hurt myself or something, which I'd never do, I just didn't want to interact with anyone. When I finally responded, she also told me the OM got the hint, and they are no longer speaking. I don't really believe her, but if its true I'm glad I could prove that he didn't really care about her, only wanted sex, his job/life was more important than her. A small win, but a win. 

Anyways, today has been rough. I would consider giving her a chance at R if I somehow could figure out if she just got lost in the fog or had some undiagnosed mental condition or was unstable, I could attempt to forgive those. In doesn't excuse what she did, I know, but its just so hard for me (at least right now) to believe that she is just a selfish, terrible, and manipulative person that never loved me in the first place. 

I shouldn't have read through more of the texts yesterday in anger (I haven't read them since, and don't plan too anymore). There is so much evidence toward her just being a bad person, but its almost like she never contemplated what she was doing was wrong, which makes it seem like she has something wrong with her. One night she attempted to have me and OM meet so I would buy into them just being friends, so they could continue having the affair. Isn't that sick in the head? Can a person really, truly, just be...that evil? I guess that's really the only word I can think of that would describe her behavior. Evil.

I've done a lot of researching today as well as the steps I should be taking for divorce, and the laws for being a father in my state and child visitation and custody. What a way to spend the holidays...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

77 - its not too uncommon for the DS to try and get BS to meet posOM. Mine did the same thing. Told me that posOM and I would get along great and be good friends because we are so similar. What a load of crap. He's a pos homewrecker and I'm sn honorable, faithful man.

However, it being common does not make it any less evil. That plus the lies, disrespect, and betrayal are selfish, arrogant, and yes... Evil in my opinion (as they are the exact opposite of anything good and pure).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

zillard said:


> 77 - its not too uncommon for the DS to try and get BS to meet posOM. Mine did the same thing. Told me that posOM and I would get along great and be good friends because we are so similar. What a load of crap. He's a pos homewrecker and I'm sn honorable, faithful man.
> 
> However, it being common does not make it any less evil. That plus the lies, disrespect, and betrayal are selfish, arrogant, and yes... Evil in my opinion (as they are the exact opposite of anything good and pure).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've read through some of your posts Zillard, and man it seems like our stories are so similar, like our spouses were cut from the same mold. 

BTW, I'm still learning the lingo here, I figured who was who, but what do BS and DS mean?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

DS is disloyal spouse. BS is betrayed spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

DS is often Dear Son, so you have to look at the context, lol.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Interesting day so far. Last night me and stbxw were able to talk calmly to each other and discuss some things going forward with our separation. She sobbingly apologized for hurting me and doing what she did. A little too late, but I accepted it. Got a call from her today, however, and someone turned them in that their work. I actually didn't feel bad at all, you reap what you sew. My only concern is that my daughter gets health insurance from stbxw's work. She asked if I had anything to do with it since I threatened to bring my evidence to their work, but I didn't and told her the truth: I had no idea what happened, or who told (which is true).

I called around for my own benefit but no one admitted to anything. I'm guessing that someone else knew and came forward, which shows high moral fiber in my book. It just seems like the karma train is coming for her at full speed..


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I did the 180 and my wife came back, full on. I didn't even know what the 180 was - I just moved on and started dating instinctively. Nothing will snap your WW out of that fog like finding her replacement. 

DON'T be needy. DON'T beg. Adopt the attitude that you're better off without her, that there are plenty of fish in the sea. You can't make her love/want you.

My WW knew the second I was with someone else. And I was genuinely happy and excited about moving on. Whether you want to reconcile or not, you MUST adopt this attitude.

Be a man. Move on and let her see you're moving on. Portray happiness and confidence. Make sure she knows you don't need her to live a happy life.

Sounds like a game? Guess what - it IS a game. And right now, you are the loser. Turn those tables. Take charge of your life.


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