# How do I kill my resentment?



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm not trying to drown all of you in my saga of self pitty here, so my apologies to anyone who sighed and rolled their eyes at me. (I probably would)

You guys have helped open my eyes quite a bit and spark my analysis more than I already had on my own.

I've come to realize a lot of things, patterns and behaviors that should have been a sign.

I remember looking at my engagement ring and not filling up with joy and happiness, and I remember him in tears pleading with me that I am all he wants out of life. I hate that memory.

But I also remember every time someone told us how great we are together, how perfect we are for eachother ,the pride in our parents faces when we got married, the pride they had when we got on our feet in our own place, THAT feeling of wow, something is really going right.

years later, it seems superficial, it seems I dedicated myself to a person who loved me, and clung to me without actually knowing what I wanted from him. I married him because I didn't figure I'd ever want to be with anyone else, and there was too much uncertainty and instability thinking about a future without him. I thought we had goals.

Now, I resent him. I don't want to kiss him, hug him, hold him nothing, I can't shake that feeling of "you ruined my life"

I can see where he's trying to be better..kind of. like he brought me food this morning after work. Monday after I had to wait for my coworker to leave work 2 hours after I was supposed to for a ride home because he never came to get me he took it upon himself to do laundry to make it up to me. ($47 worth of laundry) and he keeps talking about how he wants to make things okay for us, and take care of me and he's going to join the military so he has a means to do that.

Then there's statements like "I don't know what I'd do if you left me, I'd probably off myself, there'd be no point any more really" and that makes me hate him more.

I hate him for how happy we were and the false sense of security and promise he gave me only for me to find out the only one working for us was me. and I hate him for not being able to see that.

at the same time the thought of destroying his world kills me. But I can't give my life over to hiim because he likes it, thats foolish. 

He agreed the other night that we have things to work on or our marriage is doomed, so while I have a feeling this is his "last chance" I need to get rid of my resentment towards him so I can focus on anything else.

how do I do that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You let go of it by telling him exactly what you need. Make a vow to evermore speak ONLY the truth to him. Every thought you have, bad or good, give it to him. If you hate him for making you wait, tell him. If you are disgusted because he tries to make it up instead of just doing the right thing in the first place, tell him that. Start there.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I think that a lot of my issue and inner battle comes from what I thought was real and what really is.

I spent the last five years of my life following and working towards a dream "we" had that wasn't real. I remember all our talks about what we wanted out of life and how wonderful everything he said he wanted for us was and how amazed I was that someone could even want that with me, and I believed him.

that is my fault. I'm not trying to un-own where I fell short. Plenty of things should have been red flags, right down to the very first omission of him losing his license in our first month of dating, he didn't tell me until mostly through the week before it was gone.

I should have known with his first EA (which is something I've learned from these boards) with a girl at work, to the point where he brought her home and introduced her to his dad in front of me. Or the seccond one he met on the internet who he was calling and talking to because she was so "distraught" over her life and he felt so bad for her. And then there's now that my friend has come back from california and he's flirting with her in front of my face, staying late at work to make sure she has a ride home and her talking with me making excuses and reasonings for his behavior. These are things I should have taken more seriously than I did and thats my fault.

I should have taken every job he lost as more of a sign for the future and not fed into his excuses or let him mope on my shoulder. and I should not have let myself believe that he understood my concerns and cared when he was really just humoring me.

I've always shared with people the only piece of advice my mom ever gave me that I hold true, if nothing else in this world you only have yourself, and you have to take care of that, because tomorrow your world could crumble and you need to be sure you're standing on top of the rubble when the dust clears.

I shared that with him shortly before I found out about his latest and hugest lie yet. And we discussed how great it was that even though it took time and I was apprehensive, I grew to be able to trust him enough to do things like let him keep my credit card in his wallet (big mistake, but I didn't know yet) or add him to my bank account, be confident enough to not worry about him cheating or what he was doing while I wasn't home. 

and he had that talk with me happily full well knowing what he has been doing behind my back as if I was completely right.

I know that part of my problem is I cannot hurt someone. I cannot look at someone and know that I am hurting them to say something and follow through with it. I don't have that in me anymore.

Its just sad to look at all the love I thought we shared, the laughs, the good times, the things I had that I know everyone desperately seeks in life and realize they weren't true. I have felt before like this was all a game to him and he played with my head to keep me around when really it was nothing like I thought and I should have kept with that feeling but I didn't and I know that my fault too.

I think I hate him because i let myself fall for it and made excuses for things when I shouldn't have. And because I don't have the gall to say anything that will hurt him.

I just need to get myself through resenting him for my own short comings and trust. Right now I just want to run, and trying to logically do that is impossible.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lol, I was just thinking out loud, "Say What?!" (I'm from Texas)

You LET him flirt in front of you? What the hell is wrong with you, girl? Grow some balls and stand up to this jerk. Seriously!


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

Hi there,
I would like to point out all the wonderful qualities that you have but for which you hate yourself: responsible, kind, giving, trusting, and romantic. Don't kick yourself for having these great traits. It's ok to be angry at your H for betraying your trust, generosity and kindness, but please don't hate yourself for having trusted your husband. 

It would be a great place to start that you're a wonderful woman who deserves a man worthy of your trust, generosity and kindness. I sincerely hope that his betrayal didn't destroy your spirit. Go ahead and get mad at him. Let him know that you deserve better. Don't let him break your spirit. Don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. 

As others might have mentioned, talking to a therapist to get some of your angers out and learn how to love yourself the way you deserved to be loved would also be a great idea!
You deserve to be happy.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Clucas,
Took me just about six months to be rid of the resentment I felt for my wife. Had the same thought as you “Was any of it real?”, “What was real and what wasn’t real?”.

I’d never felt resentment before. The amount of anger and strong dislike, verging on hatred, I had for the woman I once loved was unbelievable. But I would never have been rid of it if I was still living with my wife, way too many triggers. Only by being separated have I got through it all and there’s no way I’m going back.

It is a process and grieving is part of the process. You’re probably grieving now, at the very least for what you thought you had.

Bob


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

CLucas976 said:


> I remember looking at my engagement ring and not filling up with joy and happiness
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you tired of being angry all the time?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

turnera said:


> Are you tired of being angry all the time?


:iagree:


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

cody5 said:


> CLucas976 said:
> 
> 
> > I remember looking at my engagement ring and not filling up with joy and happiness
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ah! Sorry penny’s dropped. You really want to know how to “kill” your resentment. I don’t think it can be killed, killed sounds “quick” like with a gun.

It’s a process to let go of it. How long it takes depends on the complexities and magnitude of the resentment.

The only way I know of relieving one’s self of resentment is through forgiveness. Takes time and understanding whatever role we personally played in creating the resentment, personal responsibility, as well as looking at the partner’s role in things.

Maybe it will help to research the forgiveness process. I believe it is key to a long and lasting love.

I really hope this helps you CLucas.

Bob


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

turnera said:


> Are you tired of being angry all the time?



Not yet. It helps me relax.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

well boys and girls, forget killing any resentment. 

After all of the infatuations with other girls, all the drug problems, all the bar problems, it has been announced to me, that I not only have "jealousy" issues, but I am not worth giving up nightly bar visits while the wife is working.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you waiting for? Kick his sorry ass out.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

You have very little sense of self. You married this person because as you described others saw how well you were togeather. It's almost like you had no choice and went along with it.

To be honest you sound very superficial and that would be massively hard to deal with. I feel sorry for your husband.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

This guys sounds awful. Hes obviously not the one for you. You dont have any kids, and you dont have a house with him. I forgot if you said his debt is in your name aswell, but I do remember you saying you work, and he does not, so Id say youre very lucky, in the sense that you are in a position, to walk away from this disaster, with relatively little at stake. Put the ring on the dresser, pack your stuff ,go to your parents, and start looking for a place of your own. For you, its thats simple. Yeah it will hurt to let go, and you will feel a sense of failure for a while, but you are quite young, and you will be fine after a little time goes by. It will surely not matter much, in the grand scheme of your entire life. However, stay and youre screwed!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

brad said:


> You have very little sense of self. You married this person because as you described others saw how well you were togeather. It's almost like you had no choice and went along with it.
> 
> To be honest you sound very superficial and that would be massively hard to deal with. I feel sorry for your husband.


I married my husband because I love him, I still do. Others opinions of our relationship and what they saw, on top of everything wonderful I know we shared is part of my confusion.

I married him because I loved him, I've felt love was more important of a reason to get married than any other, because you can have the "greatest" man ever, and if theres no love there's nothing.

I went through years of drugs (that he came to me and said was over), alcohol, that he also decided himself to stop endulging in. Lies, Hiding, and infatuations with other women.

I've spent the last 5 years worring about helping him and making him happy and proud and moving on together as a married couple .

Ive talked, communicated, bared my soul, and its rejected.

There is nothing superficial, I am a crutch for a codependant with a fear of sucess. At this point everyone I've talked with including men, have no idea why I've stuck around trying to help him.

I've given up anything he asked that he felt was an issue, I ask my husband to stop going to the bar every single night, to the point of spending his night with people he doesn't like, and telling me how much he hated it, but he still did it, and I'm informed I'm not worth it. I ask him to stay away from a girl who has put herself in the middle of my situation and played both sides to get to him, to the point where he noticed, and I have jealousy issues..despite the last girl 2 months ago.

sorry.

I can't let that destroy me, I can't let him destroy me, and I am doing him no good right now, I'm fueling his fire and enabling him as far as his drinking goes. its not healthy for either of us, and I'd like to be able to eat and sleep again.

I'm not kicking him out, I'm taking my car, my furkids and some clothes and taking some time away before we destroy eachother. To figure out what I want, and what he wants, and what we want. Because right now, his last words were "there's no point to we, we might as well just end it"

I can't be a crutch anymore, and I can't take such direct insults as a means of avoidance.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

CLucas976 said:


> I married my husband because I love him, I still do. Others opinions of our relationship and what they saw, on top of everything wonderful I know we shared is part of my confusion.
> 
> I married him because I loved him, I've felt love was more important of a reason to get married than any other, because you can have the "greatest" man ever, and if theres no love there's nothing.
> 
> ...


I take it back. You sound much deeper. Good choice. good luck.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

ray:hi CL,
i'm not going to say what u should or shouldnt do as i feel u already know what to do.

i appreciate yer sharing how u feel/felt about the demise of yer marr'd life w/ (hopefully) marine bound H.

especially insightful was the way u put how u felt yet didnt say anything during those early yrs. i think many a W does just that and voila, u have the building blocks of resentment forming alongside yer marital foundation cement. (ok, H's can do this also)

i could identify w/ some of yer OP, and pictured my W also duplicating some of the mistakes of non-communication.

strengthen yerself no matter which road u choose, for they will both be difficult to travel. the difficulty however, will not last forever. maybe concentrate on that when u r feeling down or too weak to carry on/follow thru and it will provide fortitude.

peace n prayers always..........ray:


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Okay, so saturday after hearing I wasn't worth giving up the bar, and hearing how we should just give up, I left. 

I came home sunday. He came and got me. On top of it I was deathly ill, said perhaps one of my coworkers was sick, and he made an unappreciated joke about me making out with one of them. shrugged it off, in happy times we do joke like that, without conflict.

I talked with his parents, with his (no biological ) brother, and they met him saturday night when he returned from work to find me gone.

today his mom came over to counsel us. It didn't go well. I heard from both sides how I need to keep the past in the past and deal with the present only how I never let things go, and how he lives under my thumb. 

I got to speak my piece, mom elaborated my statements to be less angry and more constructive, but we really got nowhere. after she left, we proceeded to fight more. He refuses to see how past events would affect how I feel now about the things that have transpired in the past month.

We talked about how its all in my head that he flirts, and he compared it to my relationship with my coworker, which I find irrelevant, considering, there is no cause for concern there and he's just pulling at strings (in my opinion, I could be wrong, and I'm leaving that option open) after fighting all morning, him falling asleep, and sucking down some robotussin I downloaded the love busters pdf.

I want to know what we both do to kill ourselves. He keeps telling me we need to go to church, but I see that as a cover and I told him point blank I do communicate with god and pray, and its not going to make me feel any better to sit in a congregation with a bunch of pew warmers singing kumbayah.

there is so much anger and hatred between the two of us, he told me if he needed to leave for a month to give me space he'd do it or if I neede to leave, but that sounds like a cop out, like he really doesn't want to bother trying to see my side, and right now I still can't see his. I left, and he still doesn't see what my problem was or why I did it.

I think I'm just venting, I need to. But I'm so uncertain about what the next step is, and the idea of counseling sounds like a joke because of the amount of anger between us. I told him I don't worry about him physically cheating on me, but his emotional attatchments and infatuations with crazy girls hurts me, because he can't see it, and again, I am obviously just jealous.

there is a way for this to look up isnt there? 

after we do the lovebusters, what then? what if how we honestly feel hurts eachother too much? 

like I said I think I am just venting and confused still, I'm trying to cling to the love we still share, I'd like to see this turn around, but my hope is fading. 

so this is my rant, reply or not, I just needed to get it off my chest somehow. for now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you both do the LBQ, and you sit down and read each other's, and then you sit down together and DISCUSS what is on there, and AGREE to ACCEPT that what the other person doesn't like is a valid LB (i.e. you each have to accept the other doesn't like ABC, and you agree to do XYZ to take care of it), you have a shot.

But if you don't follow those steps, and have weekly discussion where you actually go over all this stuff and mirror each other until the other one 'gets it,' you won't get anywhere.


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