# Time to move foward!



## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

I have been married for 17yrs and last yr. my wife wanted a separation because she was unhappy. She told me many things that I needed to work on. I made those changes over the course of our separation.(6months) We got back together and things were awesome for both of us.(7months) Then I noticed some changes with her until she finally told me she wanted a divorce. I was crushed! For the last three months I was trying to figure out what I did wrong and what I could have done different. NOTHING! I have done everything I could have done and feel great about what I have done during our 17yrs of marriage. I finally realized it's not me who needed to make changes. 2 weeks ago I said to myself I deserve better and it's time to move foward and do for myself and stop trying to please someone who is not happy with the person I am and trying to change who I am. It still hurts to think about things but I am also excited to think that I will not be walking on eggshells anymore because I have been afraid to do or say something wrong. Any advice for me as I move foward would be welcomed.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You sound strong and confident, which makes me wonder about your name. What happened after 17 years to cause your wife to want out of the marriage?


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

*Re: Re: Time to move foward!*



Frostflower said:


> You sound strong and confident, which makes me wonder about your name. What happened after 17 years to cause your wife to want out of the marriage?


I have turned the corner and ready to take control of my life. The confusedat42 name was last year when I stumbled on this site. I am not confused anymore. I know what needs to be done. I deserve better treatment than I have been receiving. She came to me last year and wanted out because she said she was unhappy with things. There are many issues with her. Things have always needed to be perfect in our marriage. The thing that I think happened is she ended up having an emotional affair last year. And this year the same thing has happened. Again I deserve better.


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## Ebb & Flow (Mar 6, 2013)

Hi confusedat42 - seems we may be in similar situation (I respect that all experiences are unique). I was also married 17 years and got invited to her 'bomb party' at the end of last year. She had EA (confirmed) - told me she also had issues in marriage - though everything was vague such as 'we don't work together anymore' or 'we need to learn to be together differently'. Said I understood and recommend MC. She said she needed 'space' to figure things out. 

Well, like you - my goal is to move on and get past this... but my goodness did it seem impossible at first. It's better now but certainly still a struggle. In your original post you welcomed any advice for moving forward - I sort outlined my plan and process in thread 'Walking the Hard Road". Just my perspective and plan for myself as I forge ahead. 

I wish us well brother - we're going to be fine!


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

*Re: Re: Time to move foward!*



Ebb & Flow said:


> Hi confusedat42 - seems we may be in similar situation (I respect that all experiences are unique). I was also married 17 years and got invited to her 'bomb party' at the end of last year. She had EA (confirmed) - told me she also had issues in marriage - though everything was vague such as 'we don't work together anymore' or 'we need to learn to be together differently'. Said I understood and recommend MC. She said she needed 'space' to figure things out.
> 
> Well, like you - my goal is to move on and get past this... but my goodness did it seem impossible at first. It's better now but certainly still a struggle. In your original post you welcomed any advice for moving forward - I sort outlined my plan and process in thread 'Walking the Hard Road". Just my perspective and plan for myself as I forge ahead.
> 
> I wish us well brother - we're going to be fine!


Yes this sounds very similar to my situation. She told me the exact same things. I bent over backwards trying to change myself for her. Meanwhile she did nothing to change. Marriage is hard work but it shouldn't be this hard if you truly love one another. Yes we will be fine. I will read your thread. Thx.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I think no matter how much you love each other it is hard. What changes is your response to that hard work. 

If you can put in that effort and make sacrifice without compromising your core values and still reamain true to yourself, you have a real loving marriage regardless of how 'hard' it is at times.

When one of you feels compelled for whatever reason to change their very being for the other (whether that influence is from within or from the partner) then that hard work needs to be questioned.

One of the common themes we all seem to look at here is being true to ourselves. 

It is the balance between being true to yourself and true to your marriage that seems to trip so many of us up. I know I failed at the former in pursuit of the latter. I am learning from trying to walk that line as it seems you have been too. 

She wanted you to be responsible for her happiness. Now she will project that onto someone else or she will realise she needs to own it herself.

Sounds like you have already come a long way!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are doing well. Continue to detach. 

Each day it's easier. And the burden lifting feels great.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

We’re all intelligent adults, yet we enter marriage thinking that, now that we have a ring on out fingers, we are in Happy Ever After Land. But people change. KC is right. Unless we remain true to ourselves, we are doomed.

No-one should have to change for another person. We can alter the dynamics of our relationships to meet the needs of changes within the marriage. We can change things in ourselves that we don’t like. But to have to change our fundamental selves for someone else is simply self-destrucive.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

*Re: Re: Time to move foward!*



Frostflower said:


> We’re all intelligent adults, yet we enter marriage thinking that, now that we have a ring on out fingers, we are in Happy Ever After Land. But people change. KC is right. Unless we remain true to ourselves, we are doomed.
> 
> No-one should have to change for another person. We can alter the dynamics of our relationships to meet the needs of changes within the marriage. We can change things in ourselves that we don’t like. But to have to change our fundamental selves for someone else is simply self-destrucive.


Love that post! I have been told I needed to change for many years. I guess that the person pointing the fingers might have needed to look in the mirror. You are right we adapt to each other but shouldn't change who we are.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> Love that post! I have been told I needed to change for many years. I guess that the person pointing the fingers might have needed to look in the mirror. You are right we adapt to each other but shouldn't change who we are.


Funny though, the people pointing the fingers don’t see the same person reflected in the mirror that we see looking at them.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

*Re: Re: Time to move foward!*



Frostflower said:


> Funny though, the people pointing the fingers don’t see the same person reflected in the mirror that we see looking at them.


Very true


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