# Bisexual Husband - Help Please



## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

Hello,
I just found out about 5 days ago that my husband has been bisexual his whole life. We have been together for almost 12 years married for 5 years. I don't know why I am really even reaching out for help since he doesn't even know what the hell he wants but I am looking for anything to hold onto for hope. We have never had an amazing sex life but most recently it had been great. He is currently in another country right now and told me over the phone. He said that he could have never told me to my face because he hates to see me so hurt. I also found out he went down on a guy after we were married, which I consider cheating. Yes I did cheat on him but this was in 10 grade and we were not married. But yes I still say I cheated and told him about it. I am now 27 and feel like my life is over. I want so bad to have this marriage work because I am still madly in love with him. I told him we were done as of now because he doesn't know what the hell he wants and cannot guarantee me that he will not cheat with me while he tried to figure out what he wants as a person. I know it is probably naive of me to even have any hope but I am not ready to let go. I told him I could not keep texting him everyday because it was just hurting me to bad. So I guess my question is, has any women ever had a successful marriage after finding this out and not had to have an open relationship? I still don't know if I could even take him back if he came back especially if he doesn't stay faithful now but I want to have that hope. I don't want to have an open marriage because that is not something I can live with forever. Please help me if you have any advice or stories. I want to know if this is something that could even work if he came back.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Your issue is not that your husband is bisexual. Your issue is that your husband cheated on you.

Many bisexual people have happy monogamous marriages. Bisexuality does not preclude that.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I agree with Fozzy. Most married people are at some point sexually attracted to others. It really doesn't matter of those other people are the same or opposite gender - unless you are in an open marriage you don't get to act on that attraction .


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

absolutely to the above. so what if he's bisexual? the same rules of marriage apply whether he is or isn't.

he doesn't get a free pass because of it!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I could not remain married to someone who admitted he was going to be continually tempted to cheat on me and couldn't promise he would not act on it.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

My best friend (a woman) just left her husband for another woman. She first told me she was bisexual, then I guess when I took that well, she told me she was gay. She said she had been repressing her sexuality her whole life and that is why she had relationships with men. While I don't condone the affair she had, I don't think she should still be married to a man if she is gay. Mabye your husband is just coming to terms with the fact he is truely gay, and if that is true, would you want to stay married to him?


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

Right I feel the same in that cheating is wrong no matter what but people do get through it. Like I said it's probably dumb to even ask because I don't know if he even wants to be withere me. It's just hard to think about moving on after 12 years of marriage and happiness.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

aliciaem said:


> Right I feel the same in that cheating is wrong no matter what but people do get through it. Like I said it's probably dumb to even ask because I don't know if he even wants to be withere me. It's just hard to think about moving on after 12 years of marriage and happiness.



It is hard to move on, but under the circumstances it seems like your best option for a happy future. Will you be OK with the fact that he said he can't guarantee his fidelity? He hasn't been honest with you about who he is up until 5 days ago, chances are good there are more things you don't know about him. He could be cheating on you with men, do not have unprotected sex with him and get yourself tested for STD's.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

I know your right I just don't want to give up. I have had myself tested multiple times throughout our relationship. I just don't know how to find happiness again. I don't know how to be me. I've been with him since I was 16 years old. I hope someday he can find peace with himself and be true to himself. I hope that I can only do the same.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

aliciaem said:


> I know your right I just don't want to give up. *I have had myself tested multiple times throughout our relationship.* I just don't know how to find happiness again. I don't know how to be me. I've been with him since I was 16 years old. I hope someday he can find peace with himself and be true to himself. I hope that I can only do the same.



So you have suspected he was unfaithful before his disclosure of being bisexual 5 days ago. That doesn't really sound like a happy marriage.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

No I never thought this before I got tested because it was routine at the doctor office so I just said yes. I think that because I did cheat on him. We were in a relationship and I kissed another man and went down on him. That's cheating in my book since I was in a relationship. I know it may sound like I'm making excuses and maybe I am I'm just not ready to admit 100 percent that I'm ready to let go of 12 years of what felt like my whole life. I don't even know how to date and the problem is that I wanted all of this with him. The other problem is that he is across the world so I can't even see him. He is in school.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Your issue is not that your husband is bisexual. Your issue is that your husband cheated on you.
> 
> Many bisexual people have happy monogamous marriages. Bisexuality does not preclude that.


I understand but these people that are happy so they have like open relationships? Or have others in there bed and can that last for 70 years? Yes I am upset he cheated but plenty of people cheat and still have happy marriages.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

Ms. GP said:


> My best friend (a woman) just left her husband for another woman. She first told me she was bisexual, then I guess when I took that well, she told me she was gay. She said she had been repressing her sexuality her whole life and that is why she had relationships with men. While I don't condone the affair she had, I don't think she should still be married to a man if she is gay. Mabye your husband is just coming to terms with the fact he is truely gay, and if that is true, would you want to stay married to him?


No I for sure wouldn't want that to happen but he hasn't come to that yet or at least has not told me.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

aliciaem said:


> Yes I am upset he cheated but plenty of people cheat and still have happy marriages.


Your issue has nothing to do with his bisexuality.

Forgive him and move on, or don't. Most wouldn't particularly with the added complexity of his sexuality, but your call.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

sapientia said:


> aliciaem said:
> 
> 
> > Yes I am upset he cheated but plenty of people cheat and still have happy marriages.
> ...


I understand it's just hard after 12 years.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

aliciaem said:


> I understand but these people that are happy so they have like open relationships? Or have others in there bed and can that last for 70 years? Yes I am upset he cheated but plenty of people cheat and still have happy marriages.


A bisexual person being monogamous is the exact same as a heterosexual or homosexual person being monogamous. He has vowed to be faithful to you. It doesn't matter who else he is attracted to or what anatomy they have. He promised not to act on any of those attractions.

If he can't keep that promise, it has nothing to do with him being bisexual and everything to do with him being a selfish disrespectful ******* with no integrity (SDAI).

If he doesn't know what he wants, that means he doesn't want you with all his heart. In a relationship, if the answer isn't a "Hell yeah!" that means it's a 'no.'

Just because it took you 12 years to learn he's an SDAI doesn't mean you're obliged to stay with him. Being on your own and learning to date is far far better than chaining yourself to a SDAI for the rest of your life.

And I'd have to disagree on plenty of people cheating and still having happy marriages. I think that is so rare as to not be worth pinning any hopes on.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

aliciaem said:


> I understand it's just hard after 12 years.


Why is it hard? What does the time have to do with anything?


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

It's hard to feel worthless and just sad. It's hard to let go of something you have known for 12 years. It's hard to let go of the future you thought you were going to have. I literally went from one day being so happy to start a family and everything to having my life "ruined". It's hard to know how to start life over. It's hard to figure out where I'm going to work where I'm going to live. I was living with my family while he was away so I have nothing. It's hard to give up my two dogs that I love with everything but can't look at everyday to remind me of him. I don't expect anyone to understand I was more looking for advice and or experiences others have had.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

That is a very raw and honest post, Alicia. Thank you for sharing. All those things are precious and hard to let go of, for sure.

We get comfortable in our relationships, even the ones we know are far past their due date. We don't like to cut our losses on a poor investment; we keep hoping for a rebound and sometimes emotionally bankrupt ourselves for our efforts.

Most of us here have come out the other end of a difficult choice like the one you face. Some acted quickly; others (like me) took years to find the courage to make the necessary choices toward real happiness. Some never do.

I will share a couple of quotes I found helpful on my own journey. The first is about decision to act and the second about self-respect. I hope they are helpful. Others will also post their help. Meantime, stay the course.

_And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom._ - Anais Nin

_You can waste . . . years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just . . . take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I'm sorry you feel like that, and walk away. But that's hard._ - Lois McMaster Bujold


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

aliciaem said:


> Hello,
> I just found out about 5 days ago that my husband has been bisexual his whole life. We have been together for almost 12 years married for 5 years. I don't know why I am really even reaching out for help since he doesn't even know what the hell he wants but I am looking for anything to hold onto for hope. We have never had an amazing sex life but most recently it had been great. He is currently in another country right now and told me over the phone. He said that he could have never told me to my face because he hates to see me so hurt. I also found out he went down on a guy after we were married, which I consider cheating. Yes I did cheat on him but this was in 10 grade and we were not married. But yes I still say I cheated and told him about it. I am now 27 and feel like my life is over. I want so bad to have this marriage work because I am still madly in love with him. I told him we were done as of now because he doesn't know what the hell he wants and cannot guarantee me that he will not cheat with me while he tried to figure out what he wants as a person. I know it is probably naive of me to even have any hope but I am not ready to let go. I told him I could not keep texting him everyday because it was just hurting me to bad. So I guess my question is, has any women ever had a successful marriage after finding this out and not had to have an open relationship? I still don't know if I could even take him back if he came back especially if he doesn't stay faithful now but I want to have that hope. I don't want to have an open marriage because that is not something I can live with forever. Please help me if you have any advice or stories. I want to know if this is something that could even work if he came back.



Your hubby should of told you before you got serious and married, that he fancies men and women. The fact that he didn't tell you he likes men, has had sex with them, then tells you after being married for a very long time is not cool at all.

He didn't do what's best for your marriage. He has now done what's best for him. He fancies men.

If he would of told you he is bisexual before you got married, maybe you could of worked something out and maybe you would of stopped dating him. He wasn't honest with you.

It's like Mrs.CuddleBug suddenly texting me, I also like the ladies but never told anyone. I had lesbian sex a few years ago with a good female friend. To me, that's being dishonest and cheating and doing what's best for Mrs.CuddleBug and not our marriage.

In my books, your hubby is a scum bag. He's wasted a huge portion of your lives together, to suddenly tell you he likes men and doesn't know if he'll be faithful??? Guaranteed he's had more than oral sex with men already.

For better or for worse. Sickness or in health. Richer or poorer, etc, etc, etc.

If you can, divorce him fast, and get a real honest man that only wants you. Simple.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

I do where you are coming from. Cuddlebug. When he told me about this he finally told me about going down on the guy. I asked him multiple times if he had already slept wroth someone and he gaurantee me no. And if he already slept with a dude then why would he not know what he's wanting? I'm not trying to be naive just thinking through everything. I most likely do plan on divorcing him but figuring things out first.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The only real cheater of any consequence is him, not you! Cheating occurs during either a marriage or an extremely committed relationship. And in that foray, please do keep in mind that any heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual act does not preclude adultery!

Your choices are clearly yours~ either forgive him and move on, while seeking out good MC to try to heal matters; or move right away to file for a D and set yourself free from someone so untrustworthy!

The choice is yours!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

sapientia said:


> That is a very raw and honest post, Alicia. Thank you for sharing. All those things are precious and hard to let go of, for sure.
> 
> We get comfortable in our relationships, even the ones we know are far past their due date. We don't like to cut our losses on a poor investment; we keep hoping for a rebound and sometimes emotionally bankrupt ourselves for our efforts.
> 
> ...


Thank you I am trying very hard to be honest with myself and explain every emotion I am going through. I am wondering have you gone through the same kind of situation? I am going to see a counselor on Monday; however, I am trying to find out if people have been in any similar situations and still lived and long and happy life with their husband/wife. Say he doesn't decide to sleep with anyone (and yes maybe he already has and just refuses to tell me) and he yes did cheat on me after we were married in Undergrad. And yes I do consider him going down on another guy as cheating. Say he takes this time to really think about his life and his commitment he has made, this would make things even a tiny bit different. Still no excuses just a little different. You are right in that I either have to decide to move on or not but the problem is that he is 1. 20 Million miles away from me. 2. Cannot give me an answer today. This is why I had told him I have to move on. My mom said that yes I could wait and if that is what I decide to go she would support me but I have to decide do I want to wait a month and him finally decide to sleep with someone and then be heartbroken all over again. I feel as though he does still truly love me but he knows what he has done over the last 12 years is just not right. I have put my life aside and given him everything he has ever wanted. But...he does want me to wait but he cannot ask it. It is my choice because he cannot hurt me any longer. I guess you would have to somewhat know him and the things we have been through but I did Skype with him and he did show very raw emotions the entire time. I know I just keep babbling and I am sorry, you don't have to keep reading. This is the only way I can think things through. Thanks


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Is there an urgency to your making a decision? In my experience, only bad decisions get made under conditions of emotional stress.

Spend time thinking about what YOU want. Be honest with yourself as you are doing. Don't make the mistake, however, of getting lost down the path of what you WISH were true, and what actually IS. Figure out what you want, and take the necessary actions to make that a reality. Its all baby steps at your point.

My situation wasn't the same as yours, no. Mine involved breaking up our family, which made me hesitate and, ironically, extended everyone's pain and suffering much longer than it needed to be.

I don't regret it for a moment, however. My experience eventually led everyone involved to a very good place, even my ex. If you are bored and want gory details, there is a thread someplace about my attempts at reconciliation and my journey from pathetic to strong. You can search my name for it. TAM gave me very good advice (often multiple times b/c I'm stubborn).

There is a light...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

aliciaem said:


> *I understand but these people that are happy so they have like open relationships? Or have others in there bed and can that last for 70 years?* Yes I am upset he cheated but plenty of people cheat and still have happy marriages.



Nope. Totally monogamous. 

Say for example, husband is straight, but wife has always been attracted to both men and women. They meet, fall in love, get married. She loves him and he satisfies all of her relationship needs. Is she still attracted to other women? Sure. But she doesn't cheat because she's happily married to the man that she loves.

It's literally no different than me as a straight man being married, but I still find other women besides my wife attractive. That doesn't mean that I'll act on it, because I love my wife and I'm satisfied in my marriage.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

No, no quick decision needs to be made especially since he is not even in the country. I am doing my best to find my two feet before I make the decision which will also give him time to really ponder what he is wanting in his life. I know he truly loves me. I hope with time we both figure out what is the best for the both of us. I have not spoke to him in 48 hours due to the hurt of talking to him every day with no new answers. He has yet to text me but I also told him not to text or call because it hurt too bad. All I can do now is go through each of my feelings and just decide when the time is right. Thank you though for your advice and kind words.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Nope. Totally monogamous.
> 
> Say for example, husband is straight, but wife has always been attracted to both men and women. They meet, fall in love, get married. She loves him and he satisfies all of her relationship needs. Is she still attracted to other women? Sure. But she doesn't cheat because she's happily married to the man that she loves.
> 
> It's literally no different than me as a straight man being married, but I still find other women besides my wife attractive. That doesn't mean that I'll act on it, because I love my wife and I'm satisfied in my marriage.


Right I think my husband was truly happy and probably would have stayed "happy" but he left the country and he does get depressed easily. I think this had a minor part in this all being brought up again. I know that our 12 years together was not fake and that he was happy. We had struggles but all marriages do I just hope he doesn't decide to act upon his temptations. I know I said before he already cheated but I think we can get past that. Am I happy about that no, and will it take a really long time of counseling to figure out yes but I do not think that automatically means divorce. Especially since we were only 20 years old when we got married. He made a mistake and we all make mistakes in our lives, it's what we do to fix them and change in our lives that really matters.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Feelings and decisions will swing. This is what happens when you are dealt an emotional blow. This is why I'm suggesting you think about what you WANT from your life, your relationships, more generally.

Then compare those thoughts to where you are now and figure out how you want to go forward. Its a process, not a single decision switch. "Decided--done" is just a way of you trying to avoid pain, and you won't make any good decisions this way.

Live through the experience. Let it pass through. Look at it more rationally (a good nights sleep will help) and then think about options for next steps. This takes time.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm sorry you're here 

I'm older. This has always been a problem. Gay or bisexual people can have difficulty accepting this themselves. You said you've been with him since you were 16 - could be he wanted not to be anything but "normal" and his relationship with you was his saving grace.

My wife and I have had friends where I knew they were probably gay before she did and they were still dating women and having sex and guy talk - only even more raunchy. One of these guys eventually dealt with it and dated a coworker and they were a couple for many years - have lost touch now. I felt bad for the girls he had dated though 

The guys I've known have mostly come out. One gay couple we were friends with years ago - one of them had kids from a prior marriage. He and his kids had a great relationship and he and his partner were a great couple. I think his exwife also had a good relationship - she ultimately worked through things.

I realize these guys were gay and not bisexual - and this doesn't help your horrible feelings - but I wanted to let you know this happens frequently and you're not alone. I doubt he had bad intentions. You are right to back off and see if this is something he wants and something you want. And I agree with you about only accepting an exclusive relationship.

If he's bisexual and ends up in a monogamous relationship it won't matter that he's bisexual. He'll have to choose. 

I'm sure he's confused wondering if he has just been deceiving both you and himself. He's probably had this bottled up and it has probably been eating him up.

You might try a gay / bi site also for help - I'm sure there are tons of people there who could provide their experiences. If you do share with us and we'll help you wade through that.

I'm sorry I can't help you much though.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

Thank you, yes the decision will be extremely difficult. I have some family that are saying "Nah" he is just gay. Just get the divorce and be done with it. I do believe there is a bisexual. Honestly I think every human being on earth is bisexual. I know for a fact I have thought about women I just put that to the side because I committed and in a "happy" marriage. Others are being extremely supportive and saying they support whatever I decide. They all know that I am an extremely strong person; however, this time in my life will probably by far be the hardest. I lost my father unexpectedly only 2 months ago which makes this process even harder. Yes I think backing off and just focusing on myself is the best bet for now. I don't want to file for divorce while he is away anyways I might as well give it that time to just find me. I also am very interested in seeing what my counselor says. If I do decide to go back to my husband it will for sure be a we will see a counselor for the rest of our lives kind of situation. I have a long drive tomorrow in which I think I want to write down the good and bad from our relationship, what I am looking for now, and compare to see what my thoughts are. I tried other sites but normally they only deal with gay so it seemed not right. I do appreciate everyone input and experiences it does give me better insights to different things. Thank you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

aliciaem said:


> Thank you, yes the decision will be extremely difficult. I have some family that are saying "Nah" he is just gay. Just get the divorce and be done with it. I do believe there is a bisexual. Honestly I think every human being on earth is bisexual. I know for a fact I have thought about women I just put that to the side because I committed and in a "happy" marriage. Others are being extremely supportive and saying they support whatever I decide. They all know that I am an extremely strong person; however, this time in my life will probably by far be the hardest. I lost my father unexpectedly only 2 months ago which makes this process even harder. Yes I think backing off and just focusing on myself is the best bet for now. I don't want to file for divorce while he is away anyways I might as well give it that time to just find me. I also am very interested in seeing what my counselor says. If I do decide to go back to my husband it will for sure be a we will see a counselor for the rest of our lives kind of situation. I have a long drive tomorrow in which I think I want to write down the good and bad from our relationship, what I am looking for now, and compare to see what my thoughts are. I tried other sites but normally they only deal with gay so it seemed not right. I do appreciate everyone input and experiences it does give me better insights to different things. Thank you.


I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad . I know from experience that is so hard, especially if you were close. My marriage fell apart right after I lost my dad to a heart attack and it was probably the hardest time of my life. 

You sound like you're approaching this with clarity so far. Journaling is a great idea for your long ride. Keep us posted. <3


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

aliciaem said:


> I also found out he went down on a guy after we were married, which I consider cheating.


Bad enough having to play warden to your cheating spouse for 50% of the population but now EVERYONE is suspect? Yeah, way too much effort... Unless you plan to crate him like the dog he is while you're at work, dump him. He's not worth it the trouble.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

aliciaem said:


> I do where you are coming from. Cuddlebug. When he told me about this he finally told me about going down on the guy. I asked him multiple times if he had already slept wroth someone and he gaurantee me no. And if he already slept with a dude then why would he not know what he's wanting? I'm not trying to be naive just thinking through everything. I most likely do plan on divorcing him but figuring things out first.



He waited until after you were married, a long time later, then suddenly tells you he likes men, has had oral sex with men but never anything else......He's had more than just oral sex with men. He will tell you later on, just like he fancies men and has had oral sex with them. Give it time.....

That's why he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know if he'll be faithful to you.

I know you'd rather work this out but in this case, I would say divorce him fast and find another guy who is only into you and is honest. There are many good guys out there who would love a woman like you.


Lets reverse the situation.

You tell your hubby after being married a very long time, you gave oral to another woman and her going down on you and you loved it.

You don't know if you'll be faithful to your hubby or not and that you fancy the ladies.

What would your hubby do in that situation???

I know what I'd do.....


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

aliciaem said:


> Thank you, yes the decision will be extremely difficult. I have some family that are saying "Nah" he is just gay. Just get the divorce and be done with it. I do believe there is a bisexual. Honestly I think every human being on earth is bisexual. I know for a fact I have thought about women I just put that to the side because I committed and in a "happy" marriage. Others are being extremely supportive and saying they support whatever I decide. They all know that I am an extremely strong person; however, this time in my life will probably by far be the hardest. I lost my father unexpectedly only 2 months ago which makes this process even harder. Yes I think backing off and just focusing on myself is the best bet for now. I don't want to file for divorce while he is away anyways I might as well give it that time to just find me. I also am very interested in seeing what my counselor says. If I do decide to go back to my husband it will for sure be a we will see a counselor for the rest of our lives kind of situation. I have a long drive tomorrow in which I think I want to write down the good and bad from our relationship, what I am looking for now, and compare to see what my thoughts are. I tried other sites but normally they only deal with gay so it seemed not right. I do appreciate everyone input and experiences it does give me better insights to different things. Thank you.



Actually studies have shown very few people are truly bisexual. Your husband will probably come out as gay given the time. Its a matter of progression and him accepting his true desires.


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## aliciaem (Oct 21, 2015)

Yah I have tried everything at this point to save my marriage. We had planned a trip to Japan and he ruined that. I told him I would still come so that we could sit down and discuss our marriage but he said I he didn't want to discuss our marriage. He wanted me to come as a friend and just have fun. I told him this was all pointless and sounded like he already made up his mind. I will probably trying to file for divorce soon. Pretty shocking that he won't even sit down to discuss our 12 year marriage. In shock really. Thanks everyone

Alicia


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

So sad Alicia 

But I'm afraid you're right. Sounds like he is very good at ignoring big unpleasant things, don't you think? So it's TRULY not you; its him. 

Really sucks that his rug sweeping is so damaging to you emotionally. You might tell him that so he stops thinking about his messed up like long enough to consider what you are going through.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I could not remain married to someone who admitted he was going to be continually tempted to cheat on me and couldn't promise he would not act on it.


Totally agree, and he has admitted already going down on a guy, after you were married. The decision is yours but I would be gone. You will not be happy if you are going to always wonder if he is sleeping with a guy. Is he with a guy now, being out of country,is that why you think he told you, feeling guilty?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Take care Alicia. Trust your gut and your heart and you'll be okay.


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