# Unsure about Marriage



## Blacktab (Nov 27, 2012)

So my fiance and I have been through multiple up and downs, mainly regarding her ex. I have been as patient as possible and we've worked out contracts and plans to better believe in each other. Last night, I felt like one was violated.

I was at work, about to leave early..so I showed up at her dance recital to surprise her. When I arrived, she was shifty, and wanted to leave. I knew something was up. After I urged her, she declared "I want to be honest..I'm meeting up with (my ex) to get my guitar back." He still possesses a lot of her things.

Apparently there were two reasons why she didn't tell me beforehand:

1. She did not want me to get mad, show up, and hurt the little man.
2. We have little money and she wanted to sell the guitar to buy me a present.

She is wrong. If I had been told beforehand I would have not shown up to scare anybody. However...she is a very cunning woman. She was quick to come up with these. My part of this says; "Why couldn't you just be honest and tell me you were getting the guitar back. I'd just say "Okay, I trust you." She told me she knows how I am. My anger, my aggression. (US. Marine early 2000s)

I don't think fear or surprise is a good enough reason to be dishonest. She wanted to meet him at a place alone, even with a reason like a guitar so she could see perhaps..if any sparks still fly? He shows up with his hideous woman. I am willed to show up because I got off work early. Her plan---destroyed?

I don't know what to think. Perhaps women, you can give me your perspectives and thoughts..I just want to save my engagement. Oh yeah. When he showed up, he showed up with his girl, kept his eyes on the ground, shook my hand, and gave back the guitar. I had to remain calm for her...and our developing 10 week old baby inside her.

Why does a part of me think she wanted to see him alone. I don't know what to think, what to do. She has never cheated on me, I actually took her away from HIM. But she has talked to him behind my back..couldn't get over that relationship for a long time..just when I thought she was over it.

I don't want to lose my family, but is this a warning sign? She spent last night apologizing because she hurt me. But she bucked up and said "I didn't do anything wrong with bad intentions." I say...she didn't believe me enough to be honest.

Even if she tells me after it happens like in the past, what's the point and honesty in that? Thank you for the help.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

>Why does a part of me think she wanted to see him alone.

The same part of your conscience that stole her from him ?


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## Blacktab (Nov 27, 2012)

They had a bad relationship. I was the better option spiritually, emotionally, and physically...everything. He was beginning to treat her bad and neglect her..that is why she ended up with me. They were just boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm over here about to marry and bring forth a child.

Could she have not believed in my enough to just tell me she was going to get the guitar? Just be honest and open? We declares to each other that the past is over. Not of she fears this and that. She said she didn't want me to go to jail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've been through "multiple" issues with her because of this guy. I'm guessing that means she's had multiple contacts with the guy over a long period of time. How long does it take for her to collect her property from this guy? Do you still have important items of your property scattered around with various exes? I know I don't. People who sneak around are generally up to no good. Her guilty behavior doesn't match her rather innocent-sounding explanation. 
You say you "took" her away from him. Does that mean she basically cheated on him with you and eventually left him for you? Now, she's allegedly with you but chatting up this guy behind your back? If that's the case, you shouldn't be surprised. Dishonorable people don't magically become honorable just because they change bed partners.


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## Blacktab (Nov 27, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> You've been through "multiple" issues with her because of this guy. I'm guessing that means she's had multiple contacts with the guy over a long period of time. How long does it take for her to collect her property from this guy? Do you still have important items of your property scattered around with various exes? I know I don't. People who sneak around are generally up to no good. Her guilty behavior doesn't match her rather innocent-sounding explanation.
> You say you "took" her away from him. Does that mean she basically cheated on him with you and eventually left him for you? Now, she's allegedly with you but chatting up this guy behind your back? If that's the case, you shouldn't be surprised. Dishonorable people don't magically become honorable just because they change bed partners.


Yes. I took her in that manner. But, he was her first. And her last before me. She had not cheated before, is very young, and Christian. I just wonder what she was doing from a woman's perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Blacktab said:


> They had a bad relationship. I was the better option spiritually, emotionally, and physically...everything. He was beginning to treat her bad and neglect her..that is why she ended up with me. They were just boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm over here about to marry and bring forth a child.
> 
> Could she have not believed in my enough to just tell me she was going to get the guitar? Just be honest and open? We declares to each other that the past is over. Not of she fears this and that. She said she didn't want me to go to jail.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If a relationship starts in betrayal - guess how it will probably end?

"If you sleep with the dogs, you get fleas."


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Blacktab said:


> Yes. I took her in that manner. But, he was her first. And her last before me. She had not cheated before, is very young, and Christian. I just wonder what she was doing from a woman's perspective.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would submit that she isn't finished with him. It's not over. She is unable to commit to you 100% until she is willing to let go of her past with him. Sure, she can go through the motions with you, but a part of her heart is still with him. Until you are absolutely sure of her, both heart and mind, than a future marriage with her will include her feelings for him, and should he want her back, you risk her leaving you for him.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You can't see what you did, so you will not see what is comming. You created your own blind spot.


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## Blacktab (Nov 27, 2012)

Couldn't she have thought of all this before having a baby with me. He would not want back a woman that had a child with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Blacktab said:


> They had a bad relationship. I was the better option spiritually, emotionally, and physically...everything. He was beginning to treat her bad and neglect her..that is why she ended up with me. They were just boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm over here about to marry and bring forth a child.
> 
> Could she have not believed in my enough to just tell me she was going to get the guitar? Just be honest and open? We declares to each other that the past is over. Not of she fears this and that. She said she didn't want me to go to jail.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How naive are you ? Say if she cheats on you with a guy who is better off than you emotionally, financially, spiritually and emotionally, you wouldn't mind ?

See, the reason you have a problem with what she did because you know what she can do to you. You call her a cunning woman. You started the relationship on a dishonest premise. That is why you cannot trust her..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Blacktab said:


> Couldn't she have thought of all this before having a baby with me. He would not want back a woman that had a child with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She could have and should have. You also should have let her put her own prior relationship in the grave before offering her another. Would have, could have, should have...all that's meaningless. The only thing that matters now is what to do today and tomorrow. She needs to have her body, her mind, and her heart all in the same place. In a perfect world, that would be with the father of her child (if possible). It's her decision and you ought to give her freedom to make it but until she does make a decision that she can live with, she's not much use to either of you. Just cause it started out funky doesn't mean it can't work out, but it does mean it's going to be more challenging.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

You know it could be as simple as she wanted her guitar back, didn't trust you not to throw a temper tantrum or start something with the guy, so she was just going to get it herself. He obviously has someone else and isn't interested, and anyway why should you be angry at him, when you are the one who 'stole' his girlfriend? (Unless I read that wrong)


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

survivorwife said:


> I would submit that she isn't finished with him. It's not over. She is unable to commit to you 100% until she is willing to let go of her past with him. Sure, she can go through the motions with you, but a part of her heart is still with him. Until you are absolutely sure of her, both heart and mind, than a future marriage with her will include her feelings for him, and should he want her back, you risk her leaving you for him.


How do you know "a part of her heart is still with him"? That's kind of a reckless and baseless statement based on what we know. Maybe she just wanted her darn guitar back with minimum drama.

The OP has a baby on the way with this lady. Let's not let the collective paranoia on this site potentially ruin their relationship. At least until he has some evidence for crying out loud.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> How do you know "a part of her heart is still with him"? That's kind of a reckless and baseless statement based on what we know. Maybe she just wanted her darn guitar back with *minimum drama.*
> 
> The OP has a baby on the way with this lady. Let's not let the collective paranoia on this site potentially ruin their relationship. At least until he has some evidence for crying out loud.


Minimum drama in this case is lying by omission. One is best not to play these games. These are unfaithful games. 

She does not need to be sneaking around about this stuff. She does not need to protect the OP by not being transparent.

Her EX needs to fork over any of her property. He should not be in position to trickle her stuff back to her with these meetups.

Hopefully indeed this is the OPs child. I am not saying that to be mean. I am suggesting that this is very gray at the moment. The EX needs to be out of her life ... period. Things seems gray from what has been posted as there continues to be drama involving the EX.


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## lil_shorty (Nov 27, 2012)

I am so sick of my husband having to turn real fast what he is watching on tv as soon as I come close to the room. Whats going on with this? If he can't watch something in front of me then why is he watching it? I am so confused. Part of me wants out and a divorce. I feel like I don't know him anymore...HELP!!!!!!!!


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Blacktab said:


> ... *I just want to save my engagement* ... *I don't want to lose my family* ...


Dear Blacktab,

The foregoing statements are from your first post.

Maybe her plan to meet with her EX behind your back was innocent or maybe it wasn't. Maybe she's over her EX or maybe she's not. Maybe you can trust her in the future to stay away from her EX or maybe you can't.

These are questions that you only you can answer. IMO, you would be foolish to go ahead with the marriage (baby notwithstanding) until you get this issue resolved.

It will be a heartwrenching experience if you decide you cannot trust her and have to call off the wedding. But it will be infinitely worse for you (emotionally, financially and in every other way) if you go ahead with it only to learn later that the woman you married is still involved with her EX.

Depending on how soon you were planning to marry, maybe the best thing to do would be to postpone the nuptials until you are satisfied that her entire heart belongs to you.

Hoping for the best for you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

'Taking' another man's woman, bf gf, married, engaged, whatever, means she is willing to be taken. If you are in an unhappy relationship the right thing to do is leave before embarking on a new one. Not look for a replacement because you are unhappy.

And that is the crux of the problem. When she is unhappy with you, you know she will not tell you. She will just be open to being taken away. And that is why you should never go out with someone who already has someone. Because that is the worry that will always remain in your relationship. Just desserts. Unpleasant. But true.

And she is fulfilling your worry by being dishonest with you. Just desserts. It is a huge travesty that there is now a baby involved. I hope you can work this out.

Marry a woman/man who cheats, you become married to a cheater.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

lil_shorty said:


> I am so sick of my husband having to turn real fast what he is watching on tv as soon as I come close to the room. Whats going on with this? If he can't watch something in front of me then why is he watching it? I am so confused. Part of me wants out and a divorce. I feel like I don't know him anymore...HELP!!!!!!!!


Sorry? What has this to do with this thread? How are you helping the OP?

What you need to do is start a thread so that people can help you with your issue. That would be helpful.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Remains said:


> Sorry? What has this to do with this thread? How are you helping the OP?
> 
> What you need to do is start a thread so that people can help you with your issue. That would be helpful.


I thought it to be sarcasm


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> How do you know "a part of her heart is still with him"? That's kind of a reckless and baseless statement based on what we know. Maybe she just wanted her darn guitar back with minimum drama.
> 
> The OP has a baby on the way with this lady. Let's not let the collective paranoia on this site potentially ruin their relationship. At least until he has some evidence for crying out loud.


In the space of time that she is now with the OP and about to have a baby, her ex still had some of her property which she is only now attempting to recover. In order to recover her property, she did not inform the OP of her intent. The question the OP raises is whether she has a "thing" for her ex.

So, why did she not make a clean break when she broke up with her ex? Why go back? Is there any more property involved? Will there be something else? Why would the OP be concerned about this event if he did not suspect that there would be future events such as this in regards to the former relationship?

You see, it's the "clean break" that was missing here. And keeping info from the OP about the property. The OP is unsure of whether to marry this woman at this point in time. It is a valid question in light of what we are reading here from the OP.


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## Blacktab (Nov 27, 2012)

I've gotten a handful of very good replies here, from people with plenty of experience and wisdom. The situation is an extremely complex--and I am taking everybody's thoughts and comments in. She wanted it to be innocent, she declared no bad intentions, but she knows she hurt me and continues to say sorry even today. She wanted to buy a boxing bag for me so she wanted to get the guitar and sell it. She thought of this excuse very quickly, along with "I didn't want you to get angry and easily kick his ass, then go to jail and force me and our child to lose Daddy." I don't know how to approach that.

She stated that was it, and swore she needed nothing else, she said she got her money, and he only has her furniture that she no longer cares for. She says will never happen again and she will instead be open to me and let me know, instead of fearing my reaction. The thing is..she would have shown up with the guitar to pick me up after the fact..and I would've known. She would have apologized then. But what if he hadn't shown up with his wildebeest girlfriend? What if I had not gotten off work early? My whole heart wants to trust the mother of my child. What can be done?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She could have just wanted her guitar & was afraid to let you know that she would be in contact with him. Is this a sign of deceit that will haunt you in your marriage and signify future lying? Perhaps, but you can't know that. My husband 'stole' me from my bf at the time & we've been married for thirty years. I've never cheated & can honestly say that it's never even occurred to me as an option.

What I can say is that the two of you need honesty before you get married. She needs to know that she can, in fact, tell you about things & you need to be able to hear things. You have every right to expect that she doesn't hide things from you, so make sure you two are on the same page with that.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

life101 said:


> I thought it to be sarcasm


Really? I still don't get it! Though I can be slow....and dim!  

I need jokes explaining frequently...duh!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Blacktab said:


> I've gotten a handful of very good replies here, from people with plenty of experience and wisdom. The situation is an extremely complex--and I am taking everybody's thoughts and comments in. She wanted it to be innocent, she declared no bad intentions, but she knows she hurt me and continues to say sorry even today. She wanted to buy a boxing bag for me so she wanted to get the guitar and sell it. *She thought of this excuse very quickly, along with "I didn't want you to get angry and easily kick his ass, then go to jail and force me and our child to lose Daddy." I don't know how to approach that.
> *
> She stated that was it, and swore she needed nothing else, she said she got her money, and he only has her furniture that she no longer cares for. She says will never happen again and she will instead be open to me and let me know, instead of fearing my reaction. The thing is..she would have shown up with the guitar to pick me up after the fact..and I would've known. She would have apologized then. But what if he hadn't shown up with his wildebeest girlfriend? What if I had not gotten off work early? My whole heart wants to trust the mother of my child. What can be done?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The bolded is very bad and essentially is telling you why she lied. The lying so I can protect you from yourself is really bad stuff. 

She did not have to tell you why she wanted the guitar back. How convenient she wanted it back to sell so she could buy you something. That is besides the point. It was an excuse to see the EX. he is the EX. She should be NC with him. 

She is manipulating even IF she intends to sell the guitar and buy you something. Her meeting her EX in secrecy and then blaming you because you might be arrested is BS. Too much drama with this one. Do not put up with it. Do not allow her to excuse lying to you. Make it clear there is no excuse for her to lie to you again. It is unacceptable to you. If you do not you will be in constant drama going forward. This is just one time you caught her being deceitful to you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is your anger a problem in the relationship ? Could her reason be genuine(need not be valid) ? You may have never hit her but do you think she is worried about how you might react in some scenarios ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> The bolded is very bad and essentially is telling you why she lied. The lying so I can protect you from yourself is really bad stuff.
> 
> She did not have to tell you why she wanted the guitar back. How convenient she wanted it back to sell so she could buy you something. That is besides the point. It was an excuse to see the EX. he is the EX. She should be NC with him.
> 
> She is manipulating even IF she intends to sell the guitar and buy you something. Her meeting her EX in secrecy and then blaming you because you might be arrested is BS. Too much drama with this one. Do not put up with it. Do not allow her to excuse lying to you. Make it clear there is no excuse for her to lie to you again. It is unacceptable to you. If you do not you will be in constant drama going forward. This is just one time you caught her being deceitful to you.



Ex had some of her valuable stuff and he did come down with his gf to exchange it at a public place.. I don't think she was lying about that part.. And she explained the situation immediately without thinking much. Her explanation also seems reasonable.

Entropy, you assumed a lot..this guy is already paranoid about her intentions. Let us not accuse the gf without knowing more details. And some remain in contact with their EXes. Depends on the nature of relationship they have. Unless it was explicitly agreed not to see him, or if she was seeing him regularly without any reason. I don't see anything wrong with it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Ex had some of her valuable stuff and he did come down with his gf to exchange it at a public place.. I don't think she was lying about that part.. And she explained the situation immediately without thinking much. Her explanation also seems reasonable.
> 
> Entropy, you assumed a lot..this guy is already paranoid about her intentions. Let us not accuse the gf without knowing more details


Yes. I read his post and come away with this. She intended NOT to tell him. To keep this from her SO.

I see that as a problem. A big problem in the context of everything else he has posted.


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## Blacktab (Nov 27, 2012)

I am angry. I have not hit her but I have exploded repeatedly and she back at me. She actually is afraid of fighting and doesn't want to anymore. I am an intimidating figure, much more so than the EX. I'm also more bold and aggressive, but that's still no reason to hide things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Blacktab said:


> I am angry. I have not hit her but I have exploded repeatedly and she back at me. She actually is afraid of fighting and doesn't want to anymore. I am an intimidating figure, much more so than the EX. I'm also more bold and aggressive, but that's still no reason to hide things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually....it could well be her reason. I don't in any way condone the lying & think that has to be confronted before you take a big step like marriage. But, seriously, do you want a wife who is afraid of you? Especially if you say there will never be any real danger?

You two need to have a serious talk about this.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Blacktab said:


> I am angry. I have not hit her but I have exploded repeatedly and she back at me. She actually is afraid of fighting and doesn't want to anymore. I am an intimidating figure, much more so than the EX. I'm also more bold and aggressive, but that's still no reason to hide things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes it is...You come off as incredibly dense in some of your posts..You seem to be a bit lacking in emotional intelligence. You need not hit her to make her get scared of you..



> but that's still no reason to hide things.


What scares her is not upto you..

Now her reason makes a bit more sense. When she said she was scared if you pick a fight with him, was she right ?


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