# Uncontrollable Pain



## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

I have a post in the spirituality board because at the time I felt like I was more saving my wife than anything else. 

The story in short is, wife cheats on me twice before we get married, we work on things and things go well. Then she starts having affairs while married and then one day she just up and leaves to go live with this other man 2 hours away. She keeps telling me she loves me and doesn't want me to know where she is at and who she is with. So I finally found out.

Now shes been gone for 9 months and she kept wanting me to hang out by telling me she was coming back. Then she thought I was seeing someone (which I wasn't, it was something a friend did to make her jealous) and shes screamed for a divorce every since.

For a long time now she has been saying that she feels we are better suited as friends so shes always asking me to be her friend. I just found out that she is telling her family and friends that I wouldn't work and was abusive so she had to leave. Then she turns around and asks if I will forgive her and be her friend.

She sends me divorce papers in the mail and there horrible! Misspellings, bad grammar, wrong dates and their not legal. 

I have been suffering for 9 months because I love her to death. I just don't know what to do and I don't want a divorce.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She sounds like she is insane. Mentally ill. 

I know it hurts brother, but let her go and divorce her. Cut her out of your life. She's a cancer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KnK (Oct 15, 2012)

I understand that you love her but if she want budge and acts irrationally toward the relationship I'm not sure there is much more you can do. Ask her if she will give it one more chance and go to counseling. If she refuses then you have to let her go.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Thank you for the answers so quick. I don't know if shes a serial cheater or what. She told me once that she loves attention at any cost, even if it means tripping herself. Her whole family does have serious mental issues and she was the only "normal" acting one out of all of them. Her family treated her horrible and she said she prayed for a good family to take her in so mine did and they treated her like a queen. I keep hearing more and more rumors that she might have been sleeping with more than 3 or 4 men while we were married. She says she is really in love with the man shes with now (who she was cheating on me with for over a year before she left) and that she is very happy and that she has finally found what shes wanted.

Heres the catch though. Hes 32. Has no teeth. Has no family. He is divorced and is now best friends with his ex wife and they live together because hes bad with money and she has to pay his bills. So now my wife is living with him and his ex wife and there barely making it.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

Sounds like she's reaping what she's sown. 

I agree with bandit, you've got to get rid of this woman. She is poison!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

This is hard!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dave626 (Sep 2, 2012)

You are making the biggest mistake of your life if you get back with her even if you did get back together you will only resent her the longer you stay together. 
It will never work ever. 
I speak from experience and your sharing is the exact similar story to mine. 
Don't waste years thinking you make it work because it never ever will. 
Good luck.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

A woman who cheated twice before you got married?

Sounds like she was sending you a message.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ghaleon said:


> Thank you for the answers so quick. I don't know if shes a serial cheater or what. She told me once that she loves attention at any cost, even if it means tripping herself. Her whole family does have serious mental issues and she was the only "normal" acting one out of all of them. Her family treated her horrible and she said she prayed for a good family to take her in so mine did and they treated her like a queen. I keep hearing more and more rumors that she might have been sleeping with more than 3 or 4 men while we were married. She says she is really in love with the man shes with now (who she was cheating on me with for over a year before she left) and that she is very happy and that she has finally found what shes wanted.
> 
> Heres the catch though. Hes 32. Has no teeth. Has no family. He is divorced and is now best friends with his ex wife and they live together because hes bad with money and she has to pay his bills. So now my wife is living with him and his ex wife and there barely making it.


Give defiant people what they want.

She'll crash and burn at some point.

Nothing you can do to stop it.

The "normal" one in a crazy family usually isn't.


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## InDoubt (Oct 14, 2012)

I urge you to leave her as soon as you can. I know it hurts, I know you love her. It doesn't matter. You have one life and you don't want to carry this pain with you forever. I will hurt for awhile, but if you cut all contact with her and concentrate on you, you will eventuallly heal few months (years) later. You will no longer feel the pain and will be happy you don't have her around.

If you keep contact with her, the pain will never end. She is extremely toxic for you. Yes, a cancer like other people said here.

I am not saying it is easy, but you must to endure the pain now in order to give yourself a chance of living a happy life in the future.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

ok I found it ,maybe Im the slow one, it looks like op has picked up his old thread an is posting there,

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-spirituality/38198-need-help.html


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Decorum said:


> ok I found it ,maybe Im the slow one, it looks like op has picked up his old thread an is posting there,
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-spirituality/38198-need-help.html



Yeah thats the original post I was mentioning in my first post on here. I had posted it under spirituality at the time because of what I was feeling and I thought I might get some alternate advice under the divorce board since its now led to that.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Ghaleon,
Please read the newbie thread in the coping with infidelity section.
From what I can tell you are being far to passive and have waited far to long to respond to the situation.
Do not be her friend ! Do you know what the 180 is?
You need to do it, then file for divorce (you can always stop it if things change).
Expose to everyone, and go COMPLETELY dark on her.
Begin working on yourself, exercise etc, get new clothes, go out have fun (dont date), at
Least look like you are moving on, you sound like you are in a sad state.

I dont know why you would want this woman back she is a DEEPLY flawed woman and unless she gets help she will always be an attention whoore.

Her new pos boyfriend is a loser!

I truly would like to hear that you are taking some steps to better yourself and move on.
Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Btw she just wants to feel better about herself thats why she wants to "hang", dont be a doormat, when she heard you were dating she screemed because she could finally blame you for the marriage failure.
She is telling you what she wants and its not you believe her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Thanks for the replies you all. I decided to do my last thing ever for her the other day. Yesterday was her birthday and I had this little stuffed animal she liked and I sent it to her with a hand written letter telling her that I cannot live this way and that I want out of this. I'm going next week to file the papers. Funny thing is last week or so I sent her an email telling her that I was not ready to trust her and she sent one back saying that she could be a good friend and that she was sorry. I told her that in no uncertain circumstances would I be her friend. I also put my evidence that she said I never had in the email about one of the other men she was sleeping with. She never responded to that one. She has never responded to the letter I sent either, I sent it last Friday. I saw on her moms page that she is coming in Saturday.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Sorry Gahleon,
She is telling you she is done with you, believe her.
If you keep chasing her (sending her things) you will never move on and it makes you look weak and pathetic to her, unattractive.

Im sorry for how this turned out, I hope you follow through and file, for your sake.

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Well tonight kinda sealed it for me. I got on and checked my wife's page one last time and she changed "its complicated" to "in a relationship" she changed her anniversary from ours of 2009 and put that she has been seeing this guy since March 2010. She didn't even leave till December of 2011! I honestly feel numb right now and not good at all.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

This sounds very similar to me, Wife off with another man, blames me for the marriage failing, kept me hanging on for 4months now wants to be friends. I'cve cut ties and its killing me as i still love her


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

I'm sorry that your going through the same thing. I've had a lot of physical pain in my life but this is the worst pain I have ever experienced. I haven't had a good nights sleep in almost a year now. I'm the type of person that when I think I'm going to be with someone the rest of my life and they make a commitment I put a part of myself into them that I can't handle if it is ever rejected and now I can't handle it. I can't think about anything but the situation.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

Ghaleon - Im exactly the same. Its killing me


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

The one thing that puzzles me is she acts really really pissed all the time toward me like I did something horrible. But when I mention what she did she stops and gets emotional and is like oh forgive me I'll be a good friend. 

I called her on the night of our anniversary and she pretty much talked to me like a dog and at one point laughed at me. So I got pissed and threw all she lost back in her face and told her about the horrible path shes going down then I laughed and she got mad and said "whats so funny" and I replied with" you are, you are the joke" and she blew up and couldn't handle that. Then the OM got on the phone and said it was my fault I don't have her anymore because I didn't "have my **** together". 

For her birthday I decided I would send her a small gift that represents the stuff we like. It was very inexpensive and I was curious to see what it would do. I never heard anything back so I asked her about it in email one day. She replied back by saying thanks for it and that the turtle plushie I sent has a very soft place in her heart and that it was beautiful.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Why did you do anything for her?

Do you think you will "nice" her out of this?

You are providing the doormat for her to wipe her feet.

Sheesh.

Have fun financing her new exciting relationship with posOM.

I have no idea where men lost their balls.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

No, I wasn't trying to accomplish anything by doing that. I had made a promise and I keep mine even though she does not keep hers. I'm slowly moving on.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Just like she keeps her promises to you, right doormat?


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

I just said in my above statement and I quote "I had made a promise and I keep mine even though she not keep hers". I told her in a letter that we couldn't be together.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ghaleon said:


> I just said in my above statement and I quote "I had made a promise and I keep mine even though she not keep hers". I told her in a letter that we couldn't be together.


Good for you.

You think there are "honor points" for this?


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Toward my personal character that I hold close, yes. To others no. I could care less what she thinks of it and what she feels, its not her that did it. I told her that this was not a gift to appease, that it was just out of my word that it was there.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ok.

Plan B - you are.
'
Argue for it.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

That's complete BS.

You gave something (the gift) to get something (the response).

When you didn't get what you wanted (the response) you went fishing for it.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Actually the only reason I contacted her about it was because when I first sent it, it got sent back to the place I was working. We were closed for the next week when I sent it again and I asked because I didn't know if it got sent back to the office. I don't want a response from her. The only thing that I would want to hear from her is that she wanted help and allowed me to get her therapy.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Got an email from my wife last night telling me that she wanted me around as a friend but not any longer and that we should just go our separate ways. She proceeded to take my picture off of her facebook and put 2 pics up of her and this new guy and the pics were taken while we were together.

At this point I don't care if I live or die.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

To be honest I doubt she will ever care. I was just a gift supplier and a house to keep warm in. The sad thing is she has all kinds of health problems yet she elects to be a ***** instead of having something real. I've waited a year now for her and did everything to try and save my marriage while she just did what she wanted.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

I don't know. She told me once that she was addicted to attention and then she turned around and said she thought she was a sex addict. I wouldn't have sex with her a lot because I suspected what was going on but she started putting me in a friend zone.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

It could be. But I tried everything to work things out and she kept telling me that she was coming back. That last year I tried to have sex with her but she was distant and didn't want to have sex with me anymore, she said she had made herself change her outlook on me in her heart.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Your so right Zappy, I feel the exact same way, I just want to shake her out of it. I thought that maybe she would see my compassion and love for her by waiting it out but I guess some people just don't care about others. Its a sad world that's for sure. I just don't understand some people.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

I know exactly what you mean. I try to keep the faith and keep my head high but every time something worse happens and drags me further down. I was always the good guy helping others out and one girl to spend my life with was all I ever prayed and asked for and then I get it and it turns out horrible.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Wow, that's horrible man! Sounds like yours is just as bad if not worse. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling over all of this. I sometimes I get selfish and think my pain is the only one and I'm wrong to think that way because there is so much more pain out there in the world that trumps my own. Hang in there bro!


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey Zappy, sorry for taking so long I just now saw your reply.

Hers an update on mine:


I finally just sent my wife an email last night saying that I accept whats happening and that I agree its over and that I don't want to be a friend because that will just leave a pipeline open back to her old life and thats not fair to me. I said that she had hurt me and now I needed to heal and defend myself. I also told her that I am starting back at school. 

She responded back at 4:30 this morning which is weird, she is usually never up that early. She sent a message back that said congrats on me going back to school and that she hopes I do well. She then says she wants to tell me something cool. We used to ghost hunt a lot and she said she was for some reason going back over the evps that had just mine and her voice in it and she remembered this EVP we got and she was looking up what the meaning of it might be and told me what she thought. She ended up by saying I thought you might of thought that was cool. She hasn't been into that in a long time and why just out of the blue decide to listen to old recordings of me and her and mention it now?


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Thanks Zappy, sorry for being away for so long. I was talking with my mother this morning about the email my wife sent me and she thinks that maybe her response was a ploy to get me to respond so that I will still hang on. I'm just going to ignore her and see what happens. it be the wrong thing to do but at this point I'm not really sure what is right or wrong.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

My story is similar to both you guys, Ghaleon and Zappy. People who have never experienced it will not realize how hurtful it is to hear from someone, you have loved for so long, things like they don't care anymore if we live or die. We can only pray to the almighty that the light of truth, empathy, and forgiveness is cast upon their hearts.

I know it is hard as I am on the same boat, but I think the best possible way to show our love is to give them what they want and just let them go. We might feel that our love was always one-sided and it might pain us for a long time, but if our love was really unselfish and unconditional, then the best gift for the WWs would be the `freedom' they have been longing for.

Also, having zero expectation helps. Hope brings misery. If we don't expect anything from anyone, then everything in life is a gift.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

I've talked to my ex on the phone a bunch today over some mugs she left at the house that belonged to her Grandma. It went from arguing, to threatening, to talking, to arguing. Earlier today she was spinning it that she wasn't good enough for me and then tonight when I talked to her again shes spinning it that I ran her off by always arguing and keeping her on edge. Shes still going with the friend angle. My mom and dad thinks she called about those mugs just to check in on me because she was home for awhile and wanted to come to the house to get them. She never missed them before.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

I don't know why I'm like that Loner. I've always got over things by torturing myself with it till I don't feel it anymore.

Anymore when I talk with my wife she uses divorce as a threat like she has a gun. Those papers she sent me where not legal yet she swears they where and that she has 2 more copies of them. What she doesn't understand is we live in a no contest state, she doesn't need my signature. 

One time you talk with her she says she wasn't good enough for me because I would have got help for my anxiety if she was. Then the next time its my fault because I didn't listen. Then next time its her apologizing for how she done me. 

The last pic I saw of her she looked horrible. She looked like she has aged by 10 years. She says shes not on drugs because the job she has requires regular drug tests, but I don't know.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

How are you doing brother Ghaleon?


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey Zappy, I'm okay, how are you holding up?

I got an email from my wife at 5pm today saying that she would like to meet and talk with me but she doesn't have gas money to make it home.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Brother Ghaleon - I was feeling very low today but when I read your post about your wife would like to talk to you but doesn't have the gas money to make it home "Cracked me up" and I was laughing hysterically.

This is funny brother...anyhow I'm just getting by and the sheer thought of spending my life with someone else shudders me to the core, what about the wedding we had where we invited 1500 guests, it was a big affair, we took vows - what about that.

The situation is very precarious and I don't know how do deal with it. 

Why is it so difficult for a spouse to forgive another spouse, I mean why?


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey Zappy, good to hear from you. 

Yeah when she sent that to me I was laughing to myself as well.lol. I sent her one back that said if she was serious she would find a way here. No more being nice from me.lol

I know what you mean, forgiveness is such a tricky thing at times. Life would be so much easier if deceit did not exist.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Ghaleon said:


> Hey Zappy, good to hear from you.
> 
> Yeah when she sent that to me I was laughing to myself as well.lol. I sent her one back that said if she was serious she would find a way here. No more being nice from me.lol
> 
> I know what you mean, forgiveness is such a tricky thing at times. Life would be so much easier if deceit did not exist.


So whats up brother...any plans for the holidays?

Ask to forgot did your wife come to seeand talk to you that day when she said she is running out of gas money.

I mean how could you be so pauper that you are driving a car but doesn't have money for GAS?

Hilarious.....

This life has given me enough pain, every season for the last 2 years was full of excruciating pain, I'm happy to be alive but would never wish this kind of life on anyone.

Too much pain brother......loosing kid (that was never born), loosing wife, loosing friends, loosing self esteem, loosing house,

Too much brother too much. 

But do update me whether your wife came to see you that day or not?

Zappy


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey Zappy, my holidays went okay, felt different than I'm used to but not bad. How was yours?

Well my wife has contacted me again and she says she wants us to meet and talk about us and that she wants to work things out. For a whole year she has demanded a divorce, lied to me, and acted like she hates me. Then all of a sudden she pulls a 180 and wants me to take her back.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Ghaleon ,
In all this time it does not sound like you have moved on, what are you waiting for.
This woman is a lunatic and a guaranteed heart break, please tell me that you are not considering taking her back.

End this (file for D) and move on. I dont want to bash you but you sound so lethargic and co-dependent.

Have you considered IC to help you move on?


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Hi Decorum and Ghaleon - How you guys doing?

Ghaleon - Any update on your situation brother?

Zappy


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

@Decorum- I am very codependent, I admit that. I had so much in common with her and I can't seem to find that with others. 

@Zappy- Hey brother, I'm doing good, just working out more and trying to feel better. My wife still wants to meet and talk but I told her that I won't unless she leaves the man shes with and so far I haven't heard anything back from her since saying that. She keeps saying that she wants to meet and talk about working things out but then on her facebook she keeps talking about how much she loves her bf shes with. I told her I won't meet behind this guys back. So how is things going for you?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Thanks for the reply Ghaleon you seem like a decent chap, and good for you not doing somthing behind someones back.

If things go bad with her and her Bf do you really want to be her backup plan, she will probably do it again.

Your happy meter always seems so low.

It seems to me that you have never moved on enough to really have a "self" to share with another woman, no basis for compatability with someone else.

Think about it, if you can move on, then you will be beter able to assess the benefit of a potiential relationship with someone else even if it is your old partner.

Take care!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Yes, a child is your own flesh.
Im in the US midwest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Sorry for the delay in writing back. I'm located in Kentucky.

Well she called me the other night and told me that she misses me but she is scared of me (she has used that excuse since we first got together). Basically what she means by that is shes afraid that I won't do things she wants to do or something like that, its not a physical fear or anything like that. I asked her if she wanted to go to marriage counseling and she said she didn't know. I asked her if she knew what she was doing was wrong and she said she didn't know and it started to make her depressed. Then she gave me the sob stories. That she had been really sick and had attempted suicide and stuff like that. That was last Thursday that I heard from her and I haven't heard a word since.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Dude, she's fishing for your attention, you NEED to do the 180 and cut her out of your life. Get your number changed, shut down Facebook, new email address, whatever you have to do.

And get yourself some counseling of some sort.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Well this is very odd I must say. I talked with my wife about a week or so ago and she said that she has been living in hell ever since being there and then she agreed with me that the guy shes with is a loser. She then tells me that she really misses me but is scared about things. Then this morning while talking with her via email she sends me this:

"Oh god lord its way to cold to think about 4 wheeling, yeah srry about that... Your right im selfish i dont want to fully let you go but it isnt for the reasons you think. I know you'll prolly get mad at this but it's the truth. You keep telling me i either have you as a husband or nothing at all. And i dont wanna be your wife, but you are a good friend and in that i dont wanna loose you but i dont have a choice in that. That is what you want and i should just face the facts and get over it. And stop making it look like im stringing you along cause dispite what you may think that was not my intent. I should get me income tax back here soon and ill file the divorce, im sorry."

I then proceeded to say that it was fine by me to act cool about it. She then sends 2 more emails back to back. One says "Really? Wow, thank you and I really mean that." and then the other says "I will miss you though"

I'm disgusted to say the least.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

jeez, sorry Ghaleon. This sounds too familiar to my own wife. She speak to how much she loves me but is broken and doesn't want any relationship with me.

Best i can figure, give it time and if there was really the connection we thought there was they may come back around. However, you never know if we will have moved on at that point.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Thank you for the reply Lostlove, I'm sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. This morning I contacted my wife at 5:30 am and asked if she would still like to meet and talk face to face like she had been wanting for 3 months prior. Here is the emails between me and her:

Me:
"I had a rough day as no doubt you expected and I know that you did as well. I know where part of that came from. Can we still meet some place and talk? I would feel more comfortable talking face to face. You wanted that for 3 months, now is a good a chance as any to do so. Will you meet me and talk with me?"

Her:
"If you want to yeah we can still meet i work till monday night we can meet some time this coming week"

Me:
"Would it be worth my time? Are you willing to really talk like you said you where?"

Her:
"I will talk to you"

Me:
"Then you have an open mind and have not made any decision. I will see you next week."

and I heard nothing back after that, so I take it she is waiting for next week.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I like to pick scabs off before they are ready, especially if they itch.
But it leaves more of a scar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Ghaleon said:


> Thank you for the reply Lostlove, I'm sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. This morning I contacted my wife at 5:30 am and asked if she would still like to meet and talk face to face like she had been wanting for 3 months prior. Here is the emails between me and her:
> 
> Me:
> "I had a rough day as no doubt you expected and I know that you did as well. I know where part of that came from. Can we still meet some place and talk? I would feel more comfortable talking face to face. You wanted that for 3 months, now is a good a chance as any to do so. Will you meet me and talk with me?"
> ...



Don't get your hopes up. It sounds like you are pushing her to talk to you and she's giving in but doesn't really want to. You can't hold her to sincerity and you're telling her she has not made a decision when indeed she may already have. Sorry, but the whole exchange comes across as you being clingy and aggressive. She's not looking forward to this talk.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Uncontrollable Pain*



Ghaleon said:


> Thank you for the reply Lostlove, I'm sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. This morning I contacted my wife at 5:30 am and asked if she would still like to meet and talk face to face like she had been wanting for 3 months prior. Here is the emails between me and her:
> 
> Me:
> "I had a rough day as no doubt you expected and I know that you did as well. I know where part of that came from. Can we still meet some place and talk? I would feel more comfortable talking face to face. You wanted that for 3 months, now is a good a chance as any to do so. Will you meet me and talk with me?"
> ...


Dude....Cut. Her. A$s loose!! That old saying that there are other fish in the sea? It's true. And there are others that won't treat you like you are their personal play toy. It's time to grow up and break this cycle. You can do it and find your dignity again. It's all up to you. Good luck and God bless.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Ghaleon said:


> Thank you for the reply Lostlove, I'm sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. This morning I contacted my wife at 5:30 am and asked if she would still like to meet and talk face to face like she had been wanting for 3 months prior. Here is the emails between me and her:
> 
> Me:
> "I had a rough day as no doubt you expected and I know that you did as well. I know where part of that came from. Can we still meet some place and talk? I would feel more comfortable talking face to face. You wanted that for 3 months, now is a good a chance as any to do so. Will you meet me and talk with me?"
> ...


What would make you jump to that conclusion? I don't see anything in an email that says "I will talk to you" that tells me she's re-considering this. In the post before this, she seemed pretty clear that she wanted a divorce, and was actually relieved when you seemed to be giving up and granting her that. What's changed?

It sounds like she's trying to let you down as gently as she can, because she cares about you, and has a hope of still remaining friends. Whether this is out guilt over what she's doing, or genuine concern, I don't know (I'm going through the same thing myself). But I don't see any reason to believe she's changed her mind. And my fear is you're going to go into this talk with high expectations, thinking you'll have some kind of breakthrough, and end up hurt again when she tells you that her decision is still divorce.

I was stuck in the same cycle after the D bomb was dropped. I continually tried to talk her out of it, or try to make her feel guilty about breaking her vows and quitting, and so on. Each time I just ended up re-opening the wound as she would say "I'm sorry, but I'm going through with this" every time. At one point I also gave up temporarily, told her I accepted her decision, and maybe it was for the best. She responded back talking about how happy and relieved she was that I had finally gotten to that point...and that hurt even worse. It took a while for me to start the 180 and detach, but I feel a lot better now than I did while I was picking at that scab every couple days.

If you go through with this meeting, I would suggest lowering your expectations, and not bringing up the relationship at all. See if she does it first. Otherwise, just try to be friendly and cordial and get through it.

She says she's going to file after she gets her taxes back. There's nothing you can say to her right now that will change her mind. Pull back for a while, and wait to see what she does. If she doesn't file right away, even if she comes up with excuses for not doing it, there may be a glimmer of hope there. And of course if you do get served with papers, then you have to accept it and let her go. In the meantime, detach and start preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for that worst-case scenario.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

rsersen said:


> It sounds like she's trying to let you down as gently as she can, because she cares about you, and has a hope of still remaining friends.


Seems to be a lot of this going around. I guess I'm just not a strong person and this "friends" stuff is almost mean. It's better than someone acting vindictive but it's not easy, either.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

lostLove77 said:


> Seems to be a lot of this going around. I guess I'm just not a strong person and this "friends" stuff is almost mean. It's better than someone acting vindictive but it's not easy, either.


I'm not that strong either - need to start taking my own advice. I'm stuck in that same position.

My STBX is terrified of the idea that we won't be friends after this. I'm being civil for now, but not friendly. As much as I love the idea of us having some kind of relationship moving forward, I keep having to remind myself that friends don't do this to each other. Once the D is final, I know I have to cut her out of my life completely (no kids, no reason to talk). Maybe years down the road, when I'm totally healed and have no feelings left for her, I can revisit the idea of friendship again...but by that point, I doubt I'd want to.

I suppose it's good that she's not being vindictive - things can always be worse. Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier to hate her and rid myself of her if she felt the same towards me, though.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

Lord how many times I thought the same thing but we have 2 amazing daughters. So it's good to have a kind relationship but god is this hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Decorum said:


> I like to pick scabs off before they are ready, especially if they itch.
> But it leaves more of a scar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Thanks for the replies, I have come to my senses finally and have cut all contact with her. 

I have pretty much found out conclusively that she is on pills and this guy shes with supplies her. I want nothing to do with that.

She emailed me last Monday and said she was at the lawyers office and then Tuesday she went and told them to send the papers. I called the lawyer to make sure she wasn't lying again. The lawyer told me that she had in fact been there and I asked if he was sending out the papers and he said yes, that the papers would be mailed Wednesday morning. Where I live and where these papers are coming from is only a 1 day wait via the mail. Now it is Tuesday, a whole week after she told me this and still no papers in the mail.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey Zappy, I'm doing good, how are you?

I've been confused somewhat though, my wife sent me an email on February 27th saying she just left the lawyers office and paid them and that the papers would be sent out the next morning and all I had to do was sign them and send them back. I called the lawyer to see if she was telling the truth and he said she had been there and that they did have some papers to send for her, I didn't ask what the papers where I just took for granted. Note that this lawyers office is in a county that anything that is sent out from there I get in the mail the next day. Today is March 22nd and I still have yet to receive any papers at all. So needless to say I'm confused as to what is going on.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Thanks for the replay Zappy, its good to hear from you! Be sure and have a drink on me! 

I hope you are right and there is a chance with me and my wife, its just so weird that she would tell me this and then nothing happen and her just fall off the map. She was all for wanting to come back till she posted pics of her and this guy up and she didn't think I could see them because of her settings but I did and I talked with her mom and that made her mad.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Careful with the liquor, Zap-Man


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Thanks for the prayers Zappy, they are much appreciated and needed, I pray for you as well!

Well last night I found out just how low my wife really is. I never got those divorce papers and when she would call me she would block her number so the only way I could find out was to text the guy shes living with and ask what happened to the papers. He said he was with her when she filed and paid and that he would call today.

He asked some questions and I ended up telling him about her calling me awhile back and telling me about the date rape and all that and he said he didn't know anything about anything like that happening. She told me while on the phone that he was beeping in from work to check on her because he was worried after that happened and he says he didn't even know it happened. He says he doesn't know about the phone calls between me and her but he doesn't believe me because he thinks that she wouldn't have blocked her number and that I would have her number if she really called. This guy is as gullible with her as I was. Hes believing everything she puts in front of him. I told him some stuff she told me that only she would know and he never responded again so that probably hit home. At this point, I could care less what she thinks of me.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Well, I finally called my wife's lawyer today to see why its been over a month and no papers. I should say before hand that my wife sent me something in the mail just a few months ago so she knows our old address and she called me just about 2 months ago so she knows my number.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I'll proceed. When I called the lawyer I asked why I had not received it and here is what I was told. She gave them just my middle name and last name and left out my first which is weird because no one calls me by my middle name. She gave the wrong address and wrong zip code. She refused to give them a phone number for me, she wouldn't give them my age and she refused to give them her phone number so they could call her in case something happened. The guy shes living with says he was with her when she filed and paid for it. Something is weird though, its like she intentionally sabotaged it.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

I just had the most eye opening experience yet out of this whole situation.

She had started the paperwork 2 months ago and the lawyer she uses is useless. I was the only one keeping up with it and she left no contact info. Yesterday I asked if she would call so we could discuss the divorce.

When she called she called from her bf's phone and I could tell he was close by. I could tell by the way she answered the phone she was already heated and passionate about it and was ready to take me on head first. We started talking about things and she started telling me that I treated her horrible, which I didn't and I know that's an excuse. She told me that I was the only person she that she lies to and continues to lie to. 

She reminded me again that she was a sex addict, which I don't believe. She said that it went away though when she moved out and went to this guy. She said she hasn't cheated since she left.

See when all this first happened she met with me and our preacher on several occasions, she looked him in the eye and me in the eye and she said she took her marriage seriously and that she has not had sex with anyone outside of our marriage since we had been married. Every time she would go that route. On the phone yesterday she admitted that she had been having sex with multiple employees that she worked with and all of them was just as nasty as the guy shes living with. She said "what does it matter now?" and everything she told me she told me in a very nonchalant voice like it was no big deal.

Here is what she is using to make it seem alright all that she did. Shes saying since I was out of work for awhile that according to the bible that makes me as guilty as a cheater so it kept her from being punished. 

Also, I posted on here about how she called me back in late January and told me about getting drugged at the bar with her friends and waking up in a strange neighborhood and all. She swears now that she don't know what I'm talking about, that didn't happen and she didn't call me. My head was spinning by that point.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ghaleon,

What else do you need to know?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Run Ghaleon, run!

Dont look back.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

@Conrad- I know what you mean, I was just basically venting though. I guess it amazes me still to see how horrible a person can truly be.

@Zappy- Hey Zap, how are ya bro? Shes white and a red head at that.lol

I do intend to run. To run far, far away.lol


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Thanks for that Zappy, I def. need to come visit and hang out with you, that would be a good stress reliever. I'm usually up about all night is the reason I posted that one so early.

After finding everything out I can see where she did me a favor by leaving. I was talking to a guy today that used to work with her and right after we got married and she got that job she started telling people that she was separated from me and we were divorcing and she was going on dates with men while telling me she was staying at girlfriends houses. 

I thought it was hilarious myself when she needed gas money.lol


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey guys and gals, thought I would post an update. I went and filed and paid in full and they are to serve my wife this week. BUT, this past week she asked me if we could meet this Monday and talk over dinner, after she had cussed me out for not signing papers that I don't have that she said was mailed to me.

She shows up and sends me a text in the parking lot saying please don't stand me up. She gets out and she looks beat to hell. She has no makeup on and just looks like she is wore out from life in general.

We go in and she gets all embarrassed acting and asks me if I can pay for her meal because she has no money at all. So I pay and we got sit down and she first asks me what the good smell is on me so I tell her. Then she pulls out the papers that she said she didn't have and wants me to sign. But she says " I want you to do me a favor, I want you to sign these papers, then I will take them home, put them under my pillow and I will pray about it and you pray about it". Then she says her mom is adopting some kids and making her the God Mother and wants to know if I would have a problem taking care of kids if they ever came to her. Then she asks me if she was pregnant and it was someone elses kid how would I act. But just a month ago she found out she can't have kids, but she did say at first that she wasn't that she just wanted to know to see if I had changed my views on kids  

She says that her and this guy is getting a rent to own house together but the floors is rotted so they are replacing them. I asked her why is she praying about anything if she has plans for a new house and she said "Even if I leave him he has to have a place to live and my name won't be on the lease". 

When we left she embraced me and held me for a few seconds then we left. 

And that was that.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Wow, man....I don't know what's worse...your story with your wife and her issues or my ex wife who did a complete 180 on me as soon as we separated. No calls, no texts...nothing. Any contact between us in the beginning was initiated by me and if she did send me the odd text, it was very cold and business-like. It's like she just turned off the switch the minute I closed the door behind me. Yeah, I would get little glimmers of hope here and there like her telling me that she went through with the divorce because she was mad at me, not because she was finished with me and didn't want anything else to do with me (mind you, this was after she told me that she didn't love me anymore, she wanted me to move on and that she was "done") and her telling me that if I gave her time and space that perhaps she could forgive me and we could start over, but I'm sure this was just so I would leave her alone.

Anyway, she has recently told me that there is no hope for us to ever get back together because I've hurt her too much and she doesn't trust me to change. She isn't willing to take the risk. My heart goes out to you, man....I know what it feels like to lose someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with...or at least you never thought they would deceive and betray you like they did. My ex and I never had big fights and had a lot in common. I felt like she was my soulmate....she was my best friend, my first love and my life. It completely devastated me when she said she wasn't in love with me anymore (her exact words at the time were, "I think I fell out of love with you a little bit"...later that was changed to "I just don't love you anymore")

Blah. I wish I could just turn off my feelings for her like she seemingly did to me, but I just love her so damn much. I can't believe this is the same woman I met 9 years ago. She was so sweet and caring. Or maybe that's just my "fog" talking....


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey guys sorry about the long delay.

Its been a weird as hell time for me. After we met in my last post she stopped all together talking to me. She then popped up on May 20th and said that she was sorry but she was having internet trouble and she said that she didn't receive my papers. This was at 10pm at night. The county clerk called me and said that my wife signed for my papers on May 20th early in the morning. So she lied to me when she said she didn't get them. She had 20 days to sign or respond and she didn't. She hasn't spoke a word to me since that day. 

Well a friend of mine has her on Facebook and she did move into the rent to own dilapidated house house with this guy and she put that she bought a years pass to an amusement park. During this time I started getting heavy phone calls from the government looking for their money from the student loan she took out. She is now in default since its been over a year and a half since shes paid. So she can afford to get season tickets for people but won't pay a 100 dollar payment for her loan.

My lawyer called and said that my wife's lawyer has dropped her case and no longer represents her. 

Now I'm stuck in limbo. She won't sign, she won't talk with me, after years of begging me for a divorce and belittling me, now its a big deal she said and won't talk at all. I've heard that people with Narcissism can't handle being filed against and maybe she went silent over that, I don't know.

All I know is I'm stuck sitting here married because its taking forever to get a court date because she won't comply.


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## Ghaleon (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey guys sorry about the long delay.

Its been a weird as hell time for me. After we met in my last post she stopped all together talking to me. She then popped up on May 20th and said that she was sorry but she was having internet trouble and she said that she didn't receive my papers. This was at 10pm at night. The county clerk called me and said that my wife signed for my papers on May 20th early in the morning. So she lied to me when she said she didn't get them. She had 20 days to sign or respond and she didn't. She hasn't spoke a word to me since that day. 

Well a friend of mine has her on Facebook and she did move into the rent to own dilapidated house house with this guy and she put that she bought a years pass to an amusement park. During this time I started getting heavy phone calls from the government looking for their money from the student loan she took out. She is now in default since its been over a year and a half since shes paid. So she can afford to get season tickets for people but won't pay a 100 dollar payment for her loan.

My lawyer called and said that my wife's lawyer has dropped her case and no longer represents her. 

Now I'm stuck in limbo. She won't sign, she won't talk with me, after years of begging me for a divorce and belittling me, now its a big deal she said and won't talk at all. I've heard that people with Narcissism can't handle being filed against and maybe she went silent over that, I don't know.

All I know is I'm stuck sitting here married because its taking forever to get a court date because she won't comply.


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