# Totally Confused



## endofrope (Feb 21, 2013)

I am about 6 months pregnant with my husband of 5yrs and I just recently find out (via txt messages and some awkward behaviors) that he is having an affair with his ex-girlfriend (whom by the way is married). When I finally confronted him about the affair he decided to continue to lie and said he has nothing to do with that married woman. I know I'm not all hormonal but this is just killing me inside knowing I'm here carrying my first child instead of excitement I'm full of rage and confused. I started to do some research about dealing with cheaters and I stumble upon this site and I figure may be I can get some help from others. I am going to need to sit him down and have some serious conversation with him with concrete hard evidence soon cause I can’t keep up with the fake excuses. Some days I feel like I want to save my marriage for the sake of the baby I’m about to have and other days I just want out


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're here and this is happening to you. All I can say is you're not alone here - unfortunately I found out my now ex was cheating when I was 8 months pregnant last year. Others will be along with more advice soon. Stay strong for yourself and the baby.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

endofrope said:


> I am about 6 months pregnant with my husband of 5yrs and I just recently find out (via txt messages and some awkward behaviors) that he is having an affair with his ex-girlfriend (whom by the way is married). When I finally confronted him about the affair he decided to continue to lie and said he has nothing to do with that married woman. I know I'm not all hormonal but this is just killing me inside knowing I'm here carrying my first child instead of excitement I'm full of rage and confused. I started to do some research about dealing with cheaters and I stumble upon this site and I figure may be I can get some help from others. I am going to need to sit him down and have some serious conversation with him with concrete hard evidence soon cause I can’t keep up with the fake excuses. Some days I feel like I want to save my marriage for the sake of the baby I’m about to have and other days I just want out


Can you look at his phone to see the text messages/call log, then look at the phone bill to see how often he has been in contact?

If he is NOT cheating, what would be his excuse for not letting you look at the phone and/or phone bill?

A good way to get hard evidence is to put a voice-activated recorder in his car, attach it in a hidden spot near or under the driver's seat with some heavy duty velcro. If he is having an affair, you should have your "hard evidence" within a week.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to be willing to end it if you hope to save it. Sounds counter intuitive, but it's true. If you read some more stories around here (mine included) you'll see that the successful R's are the ones where the BS took a stand and told the WS to get the hell out, literally or figuratively. Only once the WS gets the message, loud and clear, that the BS means business, will they stop cheating. And even then, sadly many do not.

Have a look at the newbie link in my signature for a start. Have yourself tested for STD's. And gather your evidence. It needs to be incontrovertible proof, or he will just keep lying and cheating.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When you get hard evidence of the affair instead of trying to get him admit it go to the exgfs husband and let him know. The idea is to get the gf to dump your husband to save her own butt.


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

Once you have hard evidence exposure is the only way.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you have good evidence of your H's cheating---contact his lovers H, as was said above, and use him to help you stop this A---if that is what you want

1st you need to MAKE your H, talk to you about where this mge is headed---cuz if he is cheating that MUST be resolved, before you go any further----you need to know what the future will bring----and you have to be the one to control, YOUR FUTURE


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## endofrope (Feb 21, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You need to be willing to end it if you hope to save it. Sounds counter intuitive, but it's true. If you read some more stories around here (mine included) you'll see that the successful R's are the ones where the BS took a stand and told the WS to get the hell out, literally or figuratively. Only once the WS gets the message, loud and clear, that the BS means business, will they stop cheating. And even then, sadly many do not.
> 
> Have a look at the newbie link in my signature for a start. Have yourself tested for STD's. And gather your evidence. It needs to be incontrovertible proof, or he will just keep lying and cheating.


Reading the newbie thread now. I am just so confused with their txts. usually her txt says more than his. His only goes as far ok, no, yes and that is it.



Shaggy said:


> When you get hard evidence of the affair instead of trying to get him admit it go to the exgfs husband and let him know. The idea is to get the gf to dump your husband to save her own butt.


The problem here is how do I get the ex husband's contact. I have a feeling this woman really wants me to find out about her love affair with my husband



jnj express said:


> If you have good evidence of your H's cheating---contact his lovers H, as was said above, and use him to help you stop this A---if that is what you want
> 
> 1st you need to MAKE your H, talk to you about where this mge is headed---cuz if he is cheating that MUST be resolved, before you go any further----you need to know what the future will bring----and you have to be the one to control, YOUR FUTURE


I sat him down and talk to him about the marriage - he trully believes he's doing everything to work on his marriage. 

The problem here me being pregnant is clouding a lot of my thoughts. I have this serious fear of going thru this last 3 months of pregnancy by myself, on the other hand I want him to realize that he may lose his family unless his willing to put work into his marriage


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Man-o-man endofrope, 
IF what he is doing now (communicating with his now-married x) is an example of "doing everything to work on his marriage" you have years of turmoil and heartache ahead of you so just prepare yourself as best you can for a part-time husband. There are women who are able to do this for the sake of "family" or for "security". Are you this type of woman? Because that's what it's going to take to be married to this guy. 

Why haven't you exposed the affair to his x's husband? He deserves to know. It doesn't take much to reverse lookup the phone number and get an address.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you have relatives living nearby that can support you? Are his parents nearby? 

You need to expose this affair to his parents and yours. Not in a vindictive way but as an expression of support. "_Your son has recently started having contact with his exgf. Although he denies there is anything between them, I have reason to believe that it is destroying our marriage yet he refuses to stop the contact. You may notice increasing tension between us and unhappiness on my part. It has nothing to do with the pregnancy and everything to do with his renewed relationship. I ask for your understanding and support during this time of upheaval in our marriage."_

You need to play hardball and not relent.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

endofrope said:


> Reading the newbie thread now. I am just so confused with their txts. usually her txt says more than his. His only goes as far ok, no, yes and that is it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Look the names and numbers you know on spokeo.com. also google them and check the whit pages online.

Except for contacting her at all, have you seen her messages to him? What do they say?

When and where are they getting together?


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## endofrope (Feb 21, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Do you have relatives living nearby that can support you? Are his parents nearby?
> 
> You need to expose this affair to his parents and yours. Not in a vindictive way but as an expression of support. "_Your son has recently started having contact with his exgf. Although he denies there is anything between them, I have reason to believe that it is destroying our marriage yet he refuses to stop the contact. You may notice increasing tension between us and unhappiness on my part. It has nothing to do with the pregnancy and everything to do with his renewed relationship. I ask for your understanding and support during this time of upheaval in our marriage."_
> 
> You need to play hardball and not relent.


Right now my family only concern is about my pregnancy - We've been married for 5 years before I got pregnant so I got all this remarkble support from my family and friends. on the other hands we are not in good terms with his family for the last year and half, we cut up all communications and one of the reasons why I back away from his family is this same ex we are talking about. I guess I forgot to say this is also a baby mama so constantly the excuses I get is always about the kid. I believe you're right I have to play hardball in this situation and I'm going to start by moving out for a bit cause I can't stand to be in the same house with im right about now, and everything trigger my anger and I refuse to let him see that.


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## endofrope (Feb 21, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Look the names and numbers you know on spokeo.com. also google them and check the whit pages online.
> 
> Except for contacting her at all, have you seen her messages to him? What do they say?
> 
> When and where are they getting together?


I googled her the only information I can get is her old address before she got married. but finding out her new address can be easy. They actually get together at his place of business (that's my belief) but according to some of thier texts even usually put a stop to that. some of the flag texts are all about her wants to come to his place of business and he kept saying no, and I'm thinking this can be because he doesn't want mutual friends to see them together. in one texts she ask for if he tell her to come down and get $500 she will pick him up and kiss him <---- this right here was what trigger everything for me and the fact that he never told me that they were/are having constant communication


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Get all the info you can. This means doing things business as usual for a while, as to not show you're onto him. 

*DO NOT* confront him until you have solid evidence... if you
confront too soon, it will scare him and the A will go further underground
and take longer/be harder to catch or repair.

Download a free key logger and put it on his pc.
Get the cell phone records at any cost - *DO NOT* rely on his word. 
Go buy a VAR and put it in his car, velcro it under the seat.

If the txt messages are too simple ("yes, no, idk") that too
is a red flag for cheating. Hell, ANY contact with a member of
the opposite sex to your spouse should be stopped if it makes
you feel uncomfortable.

Also, please don't use or view yourself being pregnant as a sign of weakness.
I know that during pregnancy some women can doubt their beauty,
have issues with their bodies changing, hormones all outta whack, etc. 
but as a father and BS please know this....

*You will bring SO much power to the table if you tell him
that you're prepared to kick him out and raise his child by
yourself if he doesn't come clean and tell you the truth.*

You *MUST* mean it.
You *MUST* be willing to follow through with it.

If you aren't, be prepared for years of mental anguish and torture... 
not something you want around a child that's just
being welcomed into the world.

Take a step back, gather evidence and prepare.

So sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hard as it may be to do endofrope I'd do very little right now other than bide your time gently gathering evidence.

Cheaters love feeling supremely confidant and arrogant that they will remain undiscovered - which makes them start to make mistakes big time ......... like he will.

In a short time maybe a month or so your position will be better especially if you can remain calm and dignified about it all although I know that is very very hard to do

Don't want to take your name in 'vain' as it were, but give him enough rope and he'll hang himself!!


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