# his parents need money



## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi

Im new  here goes

his family is in a difficult situation financially. They basically have no income, so my husband and his brother is sending them money when needed for the basic needs when they can.

i have said that he can send so and so much each month and thats that, and we agreed, but he never did. instead he is sending chunks of money when they need and the amount he sends is a lot higher then we agreed on.

I have been patient, but now I cant do this anymore. We have been together for 6,5 years. I got pregnant but lost the baby. while being pregnant i started to worry about our financial situation. we both have steady incomes, but we have very little savings, when there is no room for that in our budget. im a saver, i save for everything, like a car and cashed it out. im currently saving to pay out some credit that is bothering me and so on. I have a car, my own appartement, a mortgage and student loan. 
He has no loans, no property, no car. He has problems saving, cause he needs to send money to his family and for things that happens, he for instance had to have a surgery.

the thing is, his father has bought a tractor, when he lives in the country side. he has 2 cars that needs to be gotten rid of + another tractor that also is not working. he also therefor needs a functioning car, he has no money to pay for the tractor or a car, the deal has been made and now he has to decide wether to take credit if no one sends money. he did this without consulting, asking, agreeing with anyone. we really cant afford that tractor cause then a months saluary is gone, but my husband says that he must help him. so.. where does the limit go? when is it enough? i know he must send money to help them, and i agree. but with our situation as it is, we cant really afford to send more money than we agreed upon in the first place. we have seperate economy because of this situation. the problem is that i can no longer see a future with him when his family is always standing between us economically. we havent managed to move to a 1 far less 2 bedrom appartement yet, after this many years. when i got pregnant i saw the seriousness of this situation and i got so scared, when i lost the baby i was sad. i dont know what to do, im seriously thinking of ending the relathionship. i told him i am done, he said ok, that he knew that it was wrong of him to tell me about his fathers decision.... for me this was just the tip of the iceberg, not the main reason for giving up.
before i met him and were alone, i bought a car, a flat, travelled, all of those things is a lot harder now, our money is swindling away. there has been no progress in my life since i met him.

i would appreciate it if someone has any views on this, thank you.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

a] Your husband's family is using him.
b] Your husband has no business sending them money the two of you haven't agreed upon.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would tell him either you give me control of both our incomes or I'm moving out. You will regret not doing this 5 years from now, 25 years from now it will be even worse. Don't waste your life by not being strong enough about this.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

There's a lot of missing info that would be needed to really help here....

Why do the parents have no income? When did it stop? Why did it stop? are either of them capable of working?

How old are the parents? Anywhere close to Social Security age?

But, in general, I agree with both previous comments. His parents are using him (and you). He needs to set boundaries with them. The cash has to stop. If he can't do that cold-turkey, then you and he need to set up a plan to reduce and then eliminate it over six months. And, he needs to be 100% honest with you about any money he gives them. If he can't do that, then, as turnera said, he needs to turn over all cash handling to you.


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## mathira (Jan 7, 2014)

Hi Krika,
In marriage relationship it is very essential to have mutual discussion in dealing with financial matters. When your husband is too focused on helping his family, you do feel frightened about the financial security of the family. Your husband is duty bound to help his parents, but within certain limits. You should have a frank discussion with him and always remember that your husband will not listen to you if you try to dominate him. When you are reasonable he will definitely listen to you. You can tell his parents about your financial position and try to make them understand. Do not make this into a big issue and ruin your marriage. Patience and reasoning can work wonders in your marriage. Good luck.


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## CJ61 (Feb 24, 2014)

Does your partner have other siblings?
Are they also contributing to help his parents?

If it's a joint family effort then maybe some leeway could be given for a time.
However, if his parents are constantly depending on him alone for money , then they're using him and you too.

He might be a nice guy who finds it hard to say no to his parents.

His loyalties are presently divided , and he needs to undestand that the money belongs to both of you.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

papa5280 said:


> How old are the parents? Anywhere close to Social Security age?


Given some of the things she put in her post, I got the impression the original poster and maybe the relatives as well aren't in the USA where Social Security kicks in at a certain age.


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## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

hi

thank you for the replies, i appreciate it.
i feel that this has gone on too long and escalated to the point where i lost faith in the situation improving. his parents do not live in the us, they live in a country in europe where they have to be without a home to get support.
his parents are in their 50s and should be able to work, but they dont even try to find a job, when they dont have any education and its really hard to find a job, when around 45% of the population do not have a job. thats why i have agreed to him sending some money to them once a month. but when there always is something new they need money for, then thats my limit. like he sent a sum to his fathers best friend, when his son needed surgery. it is been a while since he did that now, and he wont really talk about it, when he say that he is poor and will never give it back. this sets me off. it is draining our economy and the relathionship
hi is 1 of 5 siblings, but only him and his brother is sending money to them, none of his sisters are helping out. they keep their money for their own needs.
yes, it is tricky, been with him so long, but at the same time starting to get really worried about the fututre.

thank you


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Hi OP! I understand the dilemma you are in as I have been in a similar one with my parenting "lending" (not paying back) money. I also sympathize with your husband because he probably feels bad if he says no and doesn't want his parents to suffer.

My question is why do they have no income whatsoever? I'm from Canada so things may be different where you are but what about social assistance? This will give them the step up until they find a job.

Has your husband discussed the issue of finances with his parents? In my situation, I had lent my parents money on several occasions and each time was never paid back. My husband was irritated by this but never said anything directly until the final time I lent them money. He told me bluntly that my parents were using me and it was unfair to us. I knew this in the back of my mind but never heard the words said to me. This really woke me up. Have you taken that approach yet?


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## asianwoman (Feb 21, 2013)

In my country, parents take care of their children until they can be on their own, which is very long time. They work hard and pay for their kids college, until their kids get job and married then it's time to pay back by sending parents money for monthly living expenses. If parents make money they don't ask for their kids to send money, but the kids feel the need to do it anyway. There is no social security benefit or any kind of welfare.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The money train to his parents has to stop. Its one thing helping people get back on there feet its quite another buying tractors and giving money to parents friends for surgeries. Something just doesn’t add up in the story. 

Are you certain that his brother is sending money also or is just telling you that. You two agreed on a number that you could afford, his first priority should be to you. If his parents are only in the 50’s this problem isn’t going to go away and I suspect you aren’t getting the complete and full story and until the funding stops you wont get the story.


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