# Does this count as rude behaviour on part of SIL?



## angelfire_28 (Dec 8, 2008)

Ok, so I had an argument with DH yday, where he yelled at me for getting offended by his sister's behaviour. Of course, I just pointed it out to him, but all I got to hear was "That's the way she has always been" So I need to adjust.. So this is what happened

I was at home and DH generally comes home for lunch during his lunch break. So on this particular day, his sister was trying to reach him on his office number, but he had already left the office and was on his way home, forgot his mobile phone at home. So I answered the call on his mobile phone and she asked for DH,told me she had been trying to reach him and I should have him call her as soon as he gets home. 

OK so soon as DH gets home, I gave him the msg. And I find out that one of his uncles has suffered a minor stroke and she wanted to let him know. My point - I know this uncle well and since I picked up the call she could have shared the news with me and at the same time asked me to have DH call her up. 

Then on another occassion when we were visiting, DH and the rest of the guy gang went out to play soccer.SIL went to drop something at her neighbours place and was gone for 3 hours. I was left alone with a bunch of strangers who were related to her husband. And we flew 3 hours just to spend time with them.

Another issue that I have brought up with DH, but never been able to make a point with is whenever we visit them, they have friends over. They meet these friends everyday/every weekend in the evening for whatever group activities they might have been planning. DH and I are saddled with a bunch of people we don't know and are forced to smile and make polite conversation. Mind you, we visit them two times a year and yet find these people everytime we have visited. These friends are not visiting of their own accord but are invited by SIL and her hubby for dinner.DH finds this behaviour normal. Am I over reacting?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

angelfire_28 said:


> I know this uncle well and since I picked up the call she could have shared the news with me and at the same time asked me to have DH call her up.


i dont see any reason why she should have told you. she was probably upset, or something, and just wanted to talk to her brother. 



angelfire_28 said:


> gone for 3 hours. I was left alone with a bunch of strangers who were related to her husband. And we flew 3 hours just to spend time with them.


How long were you there? was it just a day? I dont really see it as a big deal that she was gone. If she was gone the entire day, then i would think she just doesnt like you, but a few hours isnt a big deal to me. 



angelfire_28 said:


> Another issue that I have brought up with DH, but never been able to make a point with is whenever we visit them, they have friends over.


I think you are anti-social. In two of the three situations you mentioned, you were annoyed b/c you had to socialize, once without her. For me personally, this wouldnt bother me, but im a social person. 

If it bothers you to be social, then that is a different issue, something you and your H should be willing to compromise on. If it only happens this infrequently, then id say just be uncomfortable for a few days and get over it. 

Im not really sure why you are so sensitive to your SIL anyway.


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## Debby (Feb 2, 2009)

I tend to agree with you, Angelfire! I have a similar situation with my step daughter. Her husband phoned up to speak with 'dad'. When 'dad' phoned back, it was to hear that his (our) first grand daughter has just made her appearance into the world. Her husband could have told me that too! That is but one example.
We also only vist there when invited. Both SD and her husband tend to have other appintments to keep all the time, and will leave us there with their friends and it is an uncomfortable situation, because we don't know these people and really have nothing in comom with their friends. This has resulted in me not wanting to go there anymore. I am not an anti social person.


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## angelfire_28 (Dec 8, 2008)

Debby,

Thanks for understanding. I know how that feels. I am not anti social either! But I did give the earlier poster's point of view some thought. Maybe some families have this thing where they want to share important news with their own sibling, rather than the spouse. hmm but it still means you are not included,particularly since you happened to answer the call anyways...!

But being thrown in with a group of people, you don't know at all is rude behaviour, particularly when you travel eight hours just to spend some family time together. The reason I was upset is coz I was looking fwd to going shopping or spending some time with her in the kitchen trying to find some common ground since I was newly married back then. But repeated visits and now I have no expectations from either SIL or MIL. Maybe it is all part of the ignoring gameplan.. Anyone else in this situation?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

angelfire_28 said:


> Maybe some families have this thing where they want to share important news with their own sibling, rather than the spouse.


this is true. i would never share important info with my in-laws. infact, i dont talk to them period. i think you had the impression you were closer to your in-laws then you are, and this hurts your feelings. 



angelfire_28 said:


> But being thrown in with a group of people, you don't know at all is rude behaviour, particularly when you travel eight hours just to spend some family time together.


Ya i can see what you are saying. i guess its just odd for me b/c i would never hang out with my in-laws, and i wouldnt expect them to hang around if i was there. i wouldnt really care what they did. 



angelfire_28 said:


> The reason I was upset is coz I was looking fwd to going shopping or spending some time with her in the kitchen trying to find some common ground since I was newly married back then.


i think this is a case of you getting your feelings hurt. You were really looking forward to being close with your in-laws and its just not happening. i think you are hurt.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Angelfire... I completely understand how you feel. The way I see it is like this... when I married my H, for some STUPID reason, I thought I'd be part of the family (even though long before we got married I was told I was not). Anyway, growing up, my aunt and uncle were family. I didn't see one as more family than the other, no matter who was blood related and who wasn't... they were both family, equally. And when I married, I figured it would be the same. Some closed minded families never accept the in law. that's my situation. 

My in laws are a clique. I have one SIL that I do NOT get along with, and we never talk. The other SIL I am very cautious of. They just have a different way of life, and they may see nothing wrong with what they're doing because that's their family dynamic. It's hurtful, yes, but you learn to adjust. I don't talk to any of my inlaws. No MIL, FIL, SIL, or even their spouses (on my H's side, on my side I have no family). I don't go to holiday gatherings with them. So, as you can see, life is TOUGH for me... no family of my own, no inlaws... who do I talk to when I need to talk to someone? I'm about ready to ask to be adopted by someone!

So, pick and choose who you deal with... send H to do his own thing with his sister, and you go visit your family or friends or something if it's that big of a deal.


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## Lew (Mar 10, 2009)

Very rude indeed. My mother pulled the same thing on my wife with regard to my father.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Your husband's family hasn't heard of etiquette. Your SIL is rude, and socially iept. You don't invite family, to come from a long distance, twice a year, and then invite buddies you see all the time, to come over and interrupt that visit. And you most certainly don't leave your new sister in law at your home , to fend for herself with a bunch of people she's never even met, while you run off and do whatever. 

And if she had any sense, she would have told you right then on the phone, that someone, your hubby's uncle, was ill, so that you could relay the message to your husband immediately, and he could get in touch with her that much sooner. She was being childish withholding info. Some people like that love to be the bearer of news, whether bad or good, and they don't want anyone stealing their thunder. 

But, in the end, there is nothing you can do to change your husband's sister's behavior, she is who she is, and she's rude. 
Just try your best to put up with her, and , the next time you come for a visit, if she invites people over that she sees all the time and leaves you alone with them, try first to either go where your hubby goes, or, leave and go shopping, so that her friends can be at her house all alone. She sounds like a bit of an arse. Sorry!


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