# Not Really Cheating?



## Goodhealth

My wife has some friends that I do not like and to be honest, they don’t like me either. Two are married but don’t act like it. One is single but can’t seem to find the right guy and another is living with a guy. The ones that are married or living with the dude have cheated several times. It does not seem to bother my wife. She says that is their decision and not our business.

We are in our early 30’s, have twins a boy and a girl that will be 2 soon. We’ve been married almost 5 years. I suspected my wife because of what I thought were some red flags, now I’m not sure. However, I read this site and used a VAR when her friends came over and what I found is really bothering me.

When we got married, my wife insisted that we not have any ex-lovers at the wedding. I said OK and complied. There is a guy that she swore was just a friend, more like a brother. I asked specifically about him because it just didn’t seem right and she swore that I was out of my mind, nothing like that would have ever happened he was just a good friend. He came to our wedding, and is even in some photos. I find out from the VAR that he was more than a friend and my wife and her friends laugh at me for not figuring it out. I’m the butt of their joke.

Then I hear my wife speaking about our kids and she makes a crack about who their father might be. her one friend calls her a **** and asks iif it is some guy that was buying her drinks and dancing with her when they went away for a girls night. Everyone has a good laugh at my expense.

My wife swears it was just girls talk and that guys do it all the time. She was just trying to joke around with her friends and is pissed at me for spying on her discussion. She also stopped talking to me for about 2 weeks when I told the husband’s and live in of her friend group what I knew. She says I’m bitter and need professional help for deliberately messing with other people’s lives. I told her I would want to know.

She believes that she has done nothing wrong and that my request for a divorce is unreasonable and she says she will fight me all the way.

I just can’t get them out of my head making fun of me. Apparently, I have been the inside joke for a while and one of her friends took a photo at our wedding with me, the wife and her ex-lover just because she thought it was funny.

I just don’t see a path forward other than divorce. I have mentioned a paternity test and my wife says she’s leaving and I’ll never see the kids again if I try that. 

My brother wants me to see a lawyer so I put a call in to one and my wife freaked out. She is threatening to take the kids and leave. She insists that she never cheated and that I am wrong for spying on her and ruining her friends lives.


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## jlg07

Get with a Laywer ASAP. She cannot take the kids away from you and leave. Get your finances looked after also. I think she is full of **** about her just joking around. Having and ex and having you in a picture with him and her is AMAZINGLY disrespectful. She is full of it, and I think you need to go through with a) the paternity test, and b) the divorce. She who the joke is really on. She can have her toxic friends - maybe they will keep her warm at night. What a POS.

BTW, continue to VAR her (car, house) when she is around her friends. This will tell you a ton of info, but won't be useful for anything legal -- it will just help plan your strategy.


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## The Middleman

You know what, screw her, and her ****ing toxic friends. You did a great thing by outing those would be *****s to their SO’s. You don’t need her permission to DNA the kids, and I would do it based on the **** she was talking. You now need to know. Continue with with you plans to divorce, if for no other reason to show her how serious you are. And if she is planning to go on another girls night out, don’t come home from work that night so she has to stay home with the kids.


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## skerzoid

I hate to keep harping on this, but, women respect *courage, strength, and decisiveness* in a man. Your wife and her POS friends were laughing at you behind your back. Now that you stepped up they are changing their tune. *Guess who is laughing now!*

1. *Lawyer up and have her served*. A divorce isn't over till its over. You can stop it at any time.

2. Your wife needs a* cold slap in the face* (not literally). Taking action will do that.

3. I would have her take a* polygraph*. That will tell you a lot.

4. She cannot take the kids and run. It is a felony. Take her up on her statement about wondering who your children's father is and DNA test them.

5. Have you heard from any of the husbands yet?

6. *You are doing the right thing*. Keep up the pressure. She is a **** if the things her friends are saying are true. You need to know the truth to make a correct decision.

7. *Get rid of the VAR tape.*

8. Good luck in your struggle. *You have my deepest respect in the actions you have taken so far.*


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## OutofRetirement

When told that you found out that your wife and her friends regularly make fun of you, there are various ways she might have responded. One would have been to apologize profusely. One would be to blame you for spying and threaten to take your kids away if you ever leave (which seems a ridiculous threat).

You had your doubts. Your wife has little character, and at her age, it's not likely she'll change much in that respect. There are some cheaters who are described here who have spent years doing the "right thing" and then go astray. The betrayed spouses are shocked, claiming that It sounds that your wife never was on the right path. In your case, I'd be very surprised if you would try to claim that your wife was ever known to be very ethical or moral.

Your wife's friends seem downright cruel. Your wife fits right in. Birds of a feather ...

As far as wanting to divorce, I don't find it unreasonable to feel that way. Not at all.


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## sokillme

You don't realize it now (maybe you are getting the idea) but after seeing this a lot, the truth is, as time move on you will find a women like that no matter what your history or how beautiful she is, the end result is only misery. Get out now as the pain will only get worse. Better to be alone for the rest of your life then to be with a needy, disrespectful women with poor boundaries and lots of male friends. She is a trap who only leads to pain.

Sounds like you are still young enough that you don't have a lot, better you split it now (worst case scenario) then you split a lot later.


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## Goodhealth

How do i polygraph without my wife? I thought we both needed to see a doctor and give samples with the kids?

I have heard from all of the guys I spoke to. One said he checked with his wife and I was a liar. The other two (husband and live in) said they were suspecting it based on the behavior changes. I’m not sure what is happening with the married ones, but the live in dude kicked his GF out. They were living in his parents basement. 

I work 2 jobs, long story, but my wife started going out every weekend I was off with her friends because she needed a mommy break. She was coming home at 3 or 4 am drunk and was heading out dressed very sexy. It just doesn’t add up except that she’s running around like her friends.


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## Goodhealth

Polygraph, sorry I meant paternity


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## x598

such blatant and sickening disrespect shown by your *****-on-wheels wife. how could you even contemplate NOT divorcing her.

and let me tell you another secret.......BIRDS OF THE FEATHER HANG TOGETHER. its NO coincidence your wife has toxic friends....actually toxic indicates they are ill and try and impose their sickness on her.....in this case.....your wife is a member of their club.

she didn't talk to YOU for 2 weeks after you confronted her with this? im just speechless. dump this rag like its on fire.


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## Goodhealth

She has also threatened to have my arrested if I ever play the VAR to anyone else. I played it for her because she kept denying the conversation.


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## Middle of Everything

Your wife (soon to be ex-wife unless you are crazy) is a ***** AND a bad person with ****ty morals. 

Secure your finances so she cant rob you.
DNA your kid
Divorce


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## Adelais

Well, you know that the children are your wife's. It is just you that you're not sure of. All they need is your children's DNA and your DNA to verify if they are yours.

If you want your wife's DNA, get a few hairs, with roots still attached, from her hairbrush.


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## The Middleman

Goodhealth said:


> She has also threatened to have my arrested if I ever play the VAR to anyone else.


That’s not likely to happen. I say play it for her parents! And what ever you do, don’t be home to watch the kids on the next Mommy’s night.


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## x598

Goodhealth said:


> She has also threatened to have my arrested if I ever play the VAR to anyone else. I played it for her because she kept denying the conversation.


wow......new rule.....have a recorder going with all conversations with her. a person of this caliber will go to any extreme and justify it with all means possible to WIN. good luck with that.


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## x598

The Middleman said:


> That’s not likely to happen. I say play it for her parents! And what ever you do, don’t be home to watch the kids on the next Mommy’s night.


whats most likely to happen is she will make up a story saying he is being abused to have you arrested. your are now playing with a person who has their finger on the nuclear button and the bomb is armed. get legal advice TODAY on how to handle this.


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## skerzoid

Goodhealth said:


> Polygraph, sorry I meant paternity


You give your DNA and one of theirs. You already know the twins have her DNA. You are trying to match their DNA to yours.


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## Goodhealth

Woo, I have never abused my wife or kids. She can’t possibly claim that. It never happened


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## Middle of Everything

Goodhealth said:


> Woo, I have never abused my wife or kids. She can’t possibly claim that. It never happened


I think people are just warning you that she doesnt seem like the nicest person. Something she _could claim_ you did.


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## x598

Goodhealth said:


> Woo, I have never abused my wife or kids. She can’t possibly claim that. It never happened


 Sir, you are in for a RUDE awakening. happens all the time. read up here.


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## Goodhealth

Appointment with a lawyer is available Thursday. Not sure I can get in any quicker. I didn’t think about the bank. We are not rich that’s why I work 2 jobs she does work part time some as well. 

I feel sick


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## Goodhealth

If I get arrested I cannot make money. She manages our money I can’t see her really making that up but will look at getting another var. I had not thought about it.


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## x598

Goodhealth said:


> Appointment with a lawyer is available Thursday. Not sure I can get in any quicker. I didn’t think about the bank. We are not rich that’s why I work 2 jobs she does work part time some as well.
> 
> I feel sick


I don't doubt you feel sick and am very sorry for your situation. coming to terms with the fact that someone you loved has the ability to do what she has already done and is threatening to do is a life changing event. but being passive right now is about the worst thing you could possibly do.

ive learned this one the HARD way....the best defense is a good offense.


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## Goodhealth

Is it really illegal for her to take the kids and go?


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## OutofRetirement

Listen, when they start threating arrest, believe it. Honestly, I see no way back after that happens.

I suggest to just give your wife lip service. Stop arguing with her, tell her you are over it.

Just go to see a lawyer and follow his or her advice. Tell him or her about the VAR, the paternity, everything, and let him or her guide you. Think about what you want that is within your control. Your wife becoming a good person is not within your control.

If your wife changes her tune later on, you can decide later.

No need to get yourself arrested for wiretapping, or worse yet, (fake) domestic abuse.

If I understand your situation, this is a new revelation, but it is just the same old, same old as far as your wife's disrespect and cruel behavior.

If her lack of values is a new revelation for you, well, I don't know what to say. Obviously she has been treating you as the butt of her jokes since you've been engaged. I'm sorry. I don't see her somehow becoming a nice person.


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## x598

Goodhealth said:


> If I get arrested I cannot make money. She manages our money I can’t see her really making that up but will look at getting another var. I had not thought about it.



you are dealing with someone making decisions based off emotion, not logic. even if she did think it through that she would be cutting off her source of income.....to a sociopath (yes that's what I am calling her....look up that definition...I bet you will see it applies to her behaviours) it wont matter. she will make up all sorts of lies and stories to reap sympathy and aid from anyone and everyone around her.


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## x598

Goodhealth said:


> Is it really illegal for her to take the kids and go?


of course it is. but this is where the " I am fleeing my abusive husband" BS will come out and get her all sorts of leverage and a legal nightmare for you.


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## OutofRetirement

I'm pretty sure your wife's good friends will have ideas about how to put you over a barrel.


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## Goodhealth

I am feeling like the deck is stacked against me. My wife went to college. I didn’t. She didn’t finish but studied some law classes. She knows more than me about this stuff. I’m keeping my appointment with the lawyer. 

I will try to avoid the wife until then but she is throwing crap in my face about how I don’t want her to have any friends and am jealous of her friendships and am ruining her life by destroying her friends. This is crap, i wanted her to have friends, just not this group. I dont act like this with my friends. I also invite her to hang out with my friends and their wives. She does not do that. 

It won’t be easy but I’ll try to lay low until I can speak to the lawyer.


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## x598

OutofRetirement said:


> I'm pretty sure your wife's good friends will have ideas about how to put you over a barrel.


cant it the "like" button fast enough. you can believe they have ALREADY had these conversations. you think your wife just got flustered and in the middle of you two arguing this popped into her head? nope.


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## Rubix Cubed

Goodhealth said:


> Woo, I have never abused my wife or kids. She can’t possibly claim that. It never happened


 Doesn't matter if you did or not, once you separate, if she ACCUSES you, you will have to leave the home and your kids until/or if it is proven false. It happens a lot. Read stories here and you will see how prevalent it is. When someone like your wife doesn't get her way after she has controlled and manipulated you for your entire relationship she will go full tilt she-devil ... bank on it.

Take half of your joint money and put it in a new personal account. First FILE for divorce, you can stop it if you change your mind(don't change your mind) then get the kids DNA tested, get yourself STD tested, and have your wife take a poly under the premise that you need to know the truth to even THINK about reconciling (whether you plan to or not, you will still want the truth). Ask your lawyer about the legality of your VAR recording in your state, and take his advice on what to do and how to deal with it.

If I was a betting man I'd put it all on your wife screwing around regularly (out until 3 or 4 am has to be) at the minimum ever since she's been doing the GNOs, likely your entire relationship considering the disrespect she showed at your wedding in regards to her **** buddy, I'd say he's a pretty good suspect if they are still talking about him. Sounds like One night stands are in the mix as well, considering what they said about the kids' possible Dad. She's a floozy no matter how you slice it, letting guys buy her drinks, not wife material. Put her out to pasture and find someone that deserves you.


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## x598

Goodhealth said:


> I am feeling like the deck is stacked against me. My wife went to college. I didn’t. She didn’t finish but studied some law classes. She knows more than me about this stuff. I’m keeping my appointment with the lawyer.
> 
> I will try to avoid the wife until then but she is throwing crap in my face about how I don’t want her to have any friends and am jealous of her friendships and am ruining her life by destroying her friends. This is crap, i wanted her to have friends, just not this group. I dont act like this with my friends. I also invite her to hang out with my friends and their wives. She does not do that.
> 
> It won’t be easy but I’ll try to lay low until I can speak to the lawyer.


I would get out of the house TONIGHT.


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## BruceBanner

Goodhealth said:


> My wife has some friends that I do not like and to be honest, they don’t like me either. Two are married but don’t act like it. One is single but can’t seem to find the right guy and another is living with a guy. The ones that are married or living with the dude have cheated several times. It does not seem to bother my wife. She says that is their decision and not our business.
> 
> We are in our early 30’s, have twins a boy and a girl that will be 2 soon. We’ve been married almost 5 years. I suspected my wife because of what I thought were some red flags, now I’m not sure. However, I read this site and used a VAR when her friends came over and what I found is really bothering me.
> 
> When we got married, my wife insisted that we not have any ex-lovers at the wedding. I said OK and complied. There is a guy that she swore was just a friend, more like a brother. I asked specifically about him because it just didn’t seem right and she swore that I was out of my mind, nothing like that would have ever happened he was just a good friend. He came to our wedding, and is even in some photos. I find out from the VAR that he was more than a friend and my wife and her friends laugh at me for not figuring it out. I’m the butt of their joke.
> 
> Then I hear my wife speaking about our kids and she makes a crack about who their father might be. her one friend calls her a **** and asks iif it is some guy that was buying her drinks and dancing with her when they went away for a girls night. Everyone has a good laugh at my expense.
> 
> My wife swears it was just girls talk and that guys do it all the time. She was just trying to joke around with her friends and is pissed at me for spying on her discussion. She also stopped talking to me for about 2 weeks when I told the husband’s and live in of her friend group what I knew. She says I’m bitter and need professional help for deliberately messing with other people’s lives. I told her I would want to know.
> 
> She believes that she has done nothing wrong and that my request for a divorce is unreasonable and she says she will fight me all the way.
> 
> I just can’t get them out of my head making fun of me. Apparently, I have been the inside joke for a while and one of her friends took a photo at our wedding with me, the wife and her ex-lover just because she thought it was funny.
> 
> I just don’t see a path forward other than divorce. I have mentioned a paternity test and my wife says she’s leaving and I’ll never see the kids again if I try that.
> 
> My brother wants me to see a lawyer so I put a call in to one and my wife freaked out. She is threatening to take the kids and leave. She insists that she never cheated and that I am wrong for spying on her and ruining her friends lives.


By saying she'll leave and take the kids with her if you do a paternity test she has only made herself look more guilty. Innocent women don't freak out like that. There's a possibility that one or more of those kids isn't yours.


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## x598

BruceBanner said:


> By saying she'll leave and take the kids with her if you do a paternity test she has only made herself look more guilty. Innocent women don't freak out like that. There's a possibility that one or more of those kids isn't yours.


and explains the "take no prisoners" type of warfare she is threatening.


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## Rubix Cubed

Goodhealth said:


> I am feeling like the deck is stacked against me. My wife went to college. I didn’t. She didn’t finish but studied some law classes. She knows more than me about this stuff. I’m keeping my appointment with the lawyer.
> 
> I will try to avoid the wife until then but she is throwing crap in my face about how I don’t want her to have any friends and am jealous of her friendships and am ruining her life by destroying her friends. This is crap, i wanted her to have friends, just not this group. I dont act like this with my friends. I also invite her to hang out with my friends and their wives. She does not do that.
> 
> It won’t be easy but I’ll try to lay low until I can speak to the lawyer.


 Your lawyer will even your odds, likely putting you back in control. You may want to talk to a few to make sure you find a shark, but also to keep her from being able to use them after they have given you a ( hopefully free) consultation. It would be a conflict of interest.

The controlling accusations are a huge red flag and straight from the cheater 101 script. She's not a good person and you're about to find that out in spades, unfortunately. Once you have talked to your lawyer and filed let all of your comms with her go through your lawyer if possible. If not look up "The 180" and practice it, only communicating about your kids and the divorce.
I know that if I were to be the butt of my wife's jokes behind my back, it would leave me no choice but to divorce as quickly as possible, and I'd probably do my damndest to take everything I possibly could from her, wrecking her life as much as legally possible.

Has she even fessed up about the **** buddy or the drink buying, dancing guy?
So far you are spot on with how you've handled and perceived this. Don't buy any of the blame-shifting and gaslighting she is putting on you. All of this is her fault ... period.


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## Goodhealth

My brother has offered me his couch I am taking it until I can see the lawyer.


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## Goodhealth

As for the guy buying her drinks she says that was his money to waste and she saved money for us that way.

No, i am not that dumb. I know why i used to buy a woman alcohol and it wasnt to be nice or waste money. She swears nothing ever happened except she got some free drinks.


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## x598

Goodhealth said:


> As for the guy buying her drinks she says that was his money to waste and she saved money for us that way.
> 
> No, i am not that dumb. I know why i used to buy a woman alcohol and it wasnt to be nice or waste money. She swears nothing ever happened except she got some free drinks.


 I have said before, infidelity is like roaches. where there is ONE there is 100 more.

the tiny bit of "dirt" you have discovered is the tip of the iceberg.

the saying around here you need to discover is trickle truth and gas lighting. that is all she is doing.


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## x598

Goodhealth said:


> My brother has offered me his couch I am taking it until I can see the lawyer.


confide everything in your brother. not being emotionally attached to your wife, he is capable of giving you better guidance than on your own right now.


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## stro

Your wife sounds like a horrible, disrespectful woman. The ex lover photo at the wedding and laughing behind your back about it is low. Does she actually claim to love you? You need to DNA test your kids. You are married to a liar. Possibly a cheater.


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## SentHereForAReason

Ok, here is my two cents. First of all, my perspective as a protective father will always come through on these types of situations. I understand why you are getting some advice to leave to protect yourself from possible incrimination but there's no way in Hell I'm leaving the house if my kids are in it.

- I agree with the sentiment that her reactions at the very least are extreme and vindictive and reasonable make her look even more guilty as she seems to be trying to bluff her way out of this. 

- physically she can take the kids but legally she has no freakin grounds to do so. You are not in the wrong here. Reasonably, you are looking at 50/50 custody with the way things are in the US court systems today.

- you are already set on seeing a lawyer and that's the most consistent advice you are getting through these replies, let me add one more, do this YESTERDAY. With her rhetoric and what your intentions are, this is critical to do asap. Please don't do anything stupid like fudging with the finances or doing something preventative that would look like you are indulging in dissipation of assets. Get going legally ASAP, so a temporary order can be put in place that will set things as far as temporary custody, financial responsibilities, etc. 

- it's got the feel that she has done some pretty awful stuff but at the very least. People that are vested in marriage and motherhood don't normally make it a habit of going out like a single looking to mingle, dressed in 'do-me' clothes and getting home drunk at 3-4 in the morning. At the worst, she is doing the worst and at the least she has absolutely no respect for this marriage and has the maturity level that sinks well beneath my 7 year old daughter.

Sorry you are hear man but glad you checking your emotions enough to take care of what needs to be taken care of.


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## Tatsuhiko

Your wife sure does not behave like a wife. Until she has a come-to-Jesus moment and starts apologizing profusely, I would proceed with the divorce. Note that her foolish pride might prevent her from doing the right thing.

In the meantime, I would have your lawyer send her a letter addressing the threat she made, and reminding her that removing children from their father's care without consent will result in criminal prosecution and possible loss of all her parental rights. He may also want to warn her about the legal consequences of any false accusations she might be planning to make. At this point your wife is off the rails and you might soon be seeing a side of her that you never knew. You already are starting to recognize that you didn't really know her. 

What wife makes her husband the butt of jokes? The joke is now on her.


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## OnTheFly

Dude….ABR

Remember this….. ''always be recording'' when conversing with her. This one is a real snake, and I fear she will absolutely have you falsely arrested. 

You are getting great advice here, so I'll just say this, try to eat right, and try to get sleep as best you can. You need to be able to focus and not let your emotions get away from you. This is war, stay clear-headed.


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## threelittlestars

I am a wife, and I go on girls night out... I sure as hell NEVER accepted any drinks unless guys bought the ladies a round. Never just me and I am upfront when they ALWAYS come to chat, I tell them I am married but terribly flattered by the gesture. No flirting but polite friendly way of laying my boundary. I never accept a man to buy me and only me a personal drink. I dont care if it saves me or my husband money, it is disrespectful not only to myself, my husband but also the man buying the drink. 

What a **** waddle.


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## Townes

I would be beyond furious if someone put a recording device in my car because...my friends cheated? If I had not cheated and someone was secretly recording me, I would end that relationship in a heartbeat. The way some people on this site so casually endorse major invasions of privacy blows my mind. It's illegal in a lot of places for a reason. The ends don't always justify the means.


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## Vinnydee

I am 67 and have been on both sides of cheating. No one is going to admit that they cheated, even if they are caught red handed. It will hurt them in any divorce proceedings and wives with kids do not to give up the financial security you provide. I had an ex fiancé and girlfriend cheat on me and both swore that they did not, but I had proof that they did. My ex fiancé called me up 48 years later to apologize and admit that she was cheating on me even though she made me out to be the bad guy in our breakup.


A bit of advice. Once a woman knows that you are afraid to divorce, she will be emboldened to cheat again or even start cheating if she was not before. I have seen it happen. I dated a married woman who wore no wedding band or had a white spot to show that she did. Her husband walked in on us and that is when I found out she was married. I calmed him down as I am physically imposing and the next day his wife called me asking to meet her in a motel for the day. I asked her about her husband and she told me not to worry about him because he is afraid of getting divorced and rather look the other way than face the alternative. She said she had been cheating on him for 10 years and it was easy because did not want to know.

I believe that if it smells like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck. I look at it this way. Even if my wife was not cheating, feeling that she was and never trusting her anymore is the same as if she was cheating on me and I could not live with someone I was suspicious of all the time. Do either way I would leave. That is just me. You do what you feel is best.


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## SentHereForAReason

Townes said:


> I would be beyond furious if someone put a recording device in my car because...my friends cheated? If I had not cheated and someone was secretly recording me, I would end that relationship in a heartbeat. The way some people on this site so casually endorse major invasions of privacy blows my mind. It's illegal in a lot of places for a reason. The ends don't always justify the means.


Good point. However I was on the ledge until he came forward with how his wife goes out, dresses for success, goes to the club and gets hammered and shows up at 3 or 4 in the morning.


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## Townes

Yeah that changes things a bit.


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## Beach123

Get a DNA test and test yourself and the kids. $25 at Walmart and liekley tests saliva.

Send them in - you should have the results sent to your brothers address.


Don't leave the house - see if your brother might come stay with you at your own home this week. Maybey you two could make her feel uncomfortable enough to where she leaves.

You're working TWO jobs to pay for it all - do not leave!

Get into the bank accounts and move all mo eh to your name only! If you don't now - she will have it all by tomorrow. Close all credit cards that are in both your names - or at least close the ones in her name immediately... that way she can't rack up more debt that you end up paying for. Print out balances on all cards and keep them away from the house. Take all copies of tax returns and put them at your work or your brothers house.

She's not acting like a wife - don't be nice to her one bit.

Get the DNA tests done right away - the sooner you know the better.

She can't be trusted. Don't believe a word she says. If you have any passports take those away from the house as well.


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## aine

Goodhealth said:


> I am feeling like the deck is stacked against me. My wife went to college. I didn’t. She didn’t finish but studied some law classes. She knows more than me about this stuff. I’m keeping my appointment with the lawyer.
> 
> I will try to avoid the wife until then but she is throwing crap in my face about how I don’t want her to have any friends and am jealous of her friendships and am ruining her life by destroying her friends. This is crap, i wanted her to have friends, just not this group. I dont act like this with my friends. I also invite her to hang out with my friends and their wives. She does not do that.
> 
> It won’t be easy but I’ll try to lay low until I can speak to the lawyer.


Having a partial tertiary education does not entitle your wife to treat you like **** and with no respect.
Goodhealth, you really have to man up and have a plan and stop letting your wife get to you.
What she did with here friends is totally unacceptable, her first loyalties should be to you, not her slaggy friends.
make sure you keep the VAR in a safe place, go buy another one and put it in her car, she will prbably have conversations with her friends.
The deck is NOT stacked against you, change your mind set, you must go scorched earth.

You have the lawyer, 
Do the 180 on her, no talking about anything
Inform her family about what is happening, let them know that you suspect the kids are not yours based on evidence you have
DNA kids asap
Follow your lawyer's advice 
Draw up the papers asap

You will never have a settled relationship with her, she has shown you who she is and unless she dumps her friends, changes her attitude about GNOs etc, you will never be able to trust her, that is the bottom line.


----------



## aine

Townes said:


> I would be beyond furious if someone put a recording device in my car because...my friends cheated? If I had not cheated and someone was secretly recording me, I would end that relationship in a heartbeat. The way some people on this site so casually endorse major invasions of privacy blows my mind. It's illegal in a lot of places for a reason. The ends don't always justify the means.


There should be no secrets between husbands and wives, period


----------



## Townes

aine said:


> There should be no secrets between husbands and wives, period


Including secretly recording each other.


----------



## aine

​


Townes said:


> Including secretly recording each other.


She is already breaking the marriage vows to put her husband above all others, she has no respect for him and laughs about him behind his back. All bets are off and he needs to protect himself now, she is no longer in the 'two shall become one' mode.

So, what would your advice be? Let him let her dump all over him? Hmmmm?


----------



## naiveonedave

you need to stop talking to her. Right now you have to assume she is the enemy. Letting her know about the VAR and seeing a lawyer were really bad moves. Now her defenses are up. You need to fight this war giving her nothing of your plans.

It may not hurt to talk to the local police about your wife threatening to put you in jail for DV. Talk to your lawyer about this. Also consider talking to you bosses at work and let them know you are facing some issues at home and your work may suffer a bit in the short term, but you are doing what is best to get past this.


----------



## Evinrude58

See an attorney NOW. That's good advice.

RECORD all interactions with your wife.

DIVORCE her. Don't threaten, don't back off, don't ever reminisce about whatever might have been good about her.

You have a wife who has threatened you with taking the kids, threatened you with taking your freedom by accusing you of x,y,z, and you have a wife who for your entire marriage has treated you with with disrespect. She is also cheating on you in a very obvious manner.
NO wife comes home drunk at 3 and 4 a.m. is one that is not cheating. ZERO.

Nothing left here but to follow your attorney's advice. Go get a free session with 4 or 5 of the best attorneys in town so your wife will be unable to use them against you (if they've talked to you first and heard the story, they can't accept your wife as a client).

Geez, your wife is really a horrible person if what you say is true. I would drop her like a bad habit and move on.


----------



## pbj2016

Townes said:


> I would be beyond furious if someone put a recording device in my car because...my friends cheated? If I had not cheated and someone was secretly recording me, I would end that relationship in a heartbeat. The way some people on this site so casually endorse major invasions of privacy blows my mind. It's illegal in a lot of places for a reason. The ends don't always justify the means.




That’s bad advice. He had reasons to suspect something wasn’t right. Are you advocating that he continue working 2 jobs while he has been and continues to be her chump? When there are red flags you go looking. I trust my wife with my life but as the saying goes “trust, but verify”. Blind trust in another fallible human is stupidity.

His mistake was revealing to her (and anyone else) how he knew. Never reveal your sources legal or not. He likely revealed because she was gaslighting him and has since at least the wedding. Terrible human.


----------



## Evinrude58

I was thinking the same thing. Revealing his source was a huge error. HUGE. If he hadn't done that, he could be seeing his wife for the monster she really is. Instead, he felt the need to convince her of what HE ALREADY KNEW. That was pointless. She is likely a pathological liar, among her other bad traits.

I was screaming in my head, WHY? WHY? WHY? Did you play the VAR for her and show your hand? Ugh. 

OP, you are wise to never have an unrecorded conversation with your wife again, and I advise you to never have a conversation again with her without your attorney present. You are clearly in a bad place with her as far as keeping your composure and making sound decisions. I'd say most betrayed spouses are in this situation. Just remember she is your enemy at this point, and from now on.


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## badmemory

I know it's water under the bridge, but the smart play would have been to say nothing about the VAR, keep looking for more concrete evidence, and secretly DNA test your kids. You should still do the paternity test now. *You don't need her permission and she doesn't need to know.* If they're not yours, case closed.

But if it turns out they are yours; and now that the cat's out of the bag, I'd be more concerned about how she's reacting to getting caught disparaging you to her friends, admitting that she's flirting with men at bars and gas lighting you. If she wants to save her marriage she should be apologizing for what she did, agree to no more GNO's, become completely transparent with her devices and end contact with her toxic friends. 

If she doesn't agree to that, then develop an exit and custody strategy with your attorney and kick her @ss to the curb.


----------



## donny64

Your first mistake was letting her in on the VAR. But now that that cat is out of the bag, don't do it (let her know) again.

You have a wife that is degrading you, laughing about having sex with other men, disrespecting her children's father and openly questioning his status as their father, and finally threatening to have you arrested.

I doubt any of this is salvageable. But what you should do:

Get to the drug store and pick up a couple DNA test kits. Swab the kid's cheeks, and get the samples sent in so you can determine paternity positively. This shouldn't take more than a week.

Regardless of how that comes out, it will be useful to know for your next step.....getting a lawyer and filing for divorce.

Her friends are toxic, she is toxic, has no respect for you, and the only possibility this will change (small as it is) is that you show her her will not tolerate any of it. Maybe she'll snap out of it once she finds you're no longer her doormat, but from the sounds of things, I doubt it.

You've got a really rough road ahead of you, sorry to say. But just how rough and manageable, or how impossibly impassible is largely up to you and how you manage the next steps in your life and either making her understand the error of her ways and changing, or by cutting your losses and cutting her and her toxic friends out.



> I have mentioned a paternity test and my wife says she’s leaving and I’ll never see the kids again if I try that.


That (to me) is even more unrecoverable than cheating. That tells you where her head is at (and has been at from day one). ANY woman who uses the threat of taking the children away from their father as leverage is not worth the time to pizz on her to put the flames out if she were on fire. That is THE MOST clear indication of who, and what you're dealing with.

It should also tell you there is a definite possibility one or more of those kids are not yours.

Get the DNA test, get to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, then act decisively and swiftly when the time suits you. Your job #1 at this point is making sure she cannot take away your rights to your children.


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## Beach123

You do not need her permission to DNA test them. Just do it and send it in. 

Stop thinking you need her permission for anything!!!


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## Adelais

Don't move out of your home. That will be seen by the court as abandonment (of the children) and will increase the chances of her getting more custody.

Put an app on your phone, and record every time she is around. Label the conversations well so you can find them if you need them later.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Goodhealth said:


> She has also threatened to have my arrested if I ever play the VAR to anyone else. I played it for her because she kept denying the conversation.


Now say to her "what VAR" and stay with it. It will freak her out, and she appears to need that....


----------



## Be smart

Sorry you are here my Friend. 

First thing you need to do is go back to your Home and your Kids. Dont leave your Home. Even if the World War III starts dont leave your Home. Trust me. 

She can use this against you and tell her lawyer/s you abandoned her and Kids. 

Next thing you know you are forbiden to come close to you Home,another Man is there and you are forced to pay her all the money. 

Always have a VAR with you. She is a crazy Woman. She wanted to take Kids from you,leave you,report you to Police... oh Man. 

I dont know how it works in America but if my Wife stayed out until 3-4,wasted,dressed sexy she would have to find another Home to live,sorry. 

Her Friends are toxic,she is just like them. You cant change her. 

Wedding picture is a big F U. Sorry to say this but she never respected you. 

Lawyer up. You deserve a better woman. 

Stay Strong.


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## Beach123

What's your plan been today?


----------



## Goodhealth

I talked to my boss at work today because I have been losing it. He was freaking awesome. I now have travel orders with a company paid hotel for an out of town assignment that i leave for on Friday and work Saturday and Sunday on. This was supposed to be my weekend off but now my wife will have to stay home and watch the kids instead of me while she goes out. My wife went nuts when I told her as she said she needs to spend time with her friends because of what I have done. Then she caved when she asked about the overtime pay. 

The place i work has a contract out of town and I really don’t fit the bill for the work, but my boss hooked me up good to get me out of town for a few days and a few extra bucks that I can use for the lawyer. V

I see the lawyer tomorrow. I guess playing the the VAR for her was a mistake but she was denying everything that was on it and I couldn’t think of anything better. I have the var and may smash it, but will talk to my lawyer first. I didn’t realize that was not legal to have one in my own home. 

I see the lawyer tomorrow. I am planning to stay at home tonight but not in my bedroom. My wife is really mad at me. According to her this whole thing is my fault and I am trying to make her life miserable.


----------



## Goodhealth

I should also add that I spoke to the lawyers scheduling person today. She didn’t give any free advice over the phone, but did bump me up a day to tomorrow. I was hoping that she’d at least tell me to either stay at home tonight or at my brothers place another night as the advice here conflicts but she wouldn’t say either way.


----------



## Robert22205

Don't destroy any evidence and don't admit to how or where you found it. You have done nothing wrong.
It's up to her to prove she's innocent at this point. Entirely up to her. How about a lie detector test?


----------



## Goodhealth

I don’t know if that is something my lawyer can make her do but I hope so. I mentioned a lie detector test and she said she would take one right after me. I said ok I will do it then she started with me being crazy and wasting money the family needs that we don’t have. My brother is looking into paternity tests. Apparently you can get it done where you just find out if the kids are yours but it doesnt work in a divorce. I believe it is cheaper this way. As long as I can find out then I will be at ease.


----------



## x598

Goodhealth said:


> I should also add that I spoke to the lawyers scheduling person today. She didn’t give any free advice over the phone, but did bump me up a day to tomorrow. I was hoping that she’d at least tell me to either stay at home tonight or at my brothers place another night as the advice here conflicts but she wouldn’t say either way.


some here are saying to go home because legally it could be argued you have "abandoned" your home and kids making it much easier for her to stake a 100% claim for the kids or house.

some here are saying GTFO because all she is going to do is bait you into an argument and escalate things and see what sorts of trap she can set that you will fall into.

I don't see how ANY legal argument can be made of abandonment if you are gone for a few days. if you were gone for months, that would be different.


----------



## x598

Goodhealth said:


> I don’t know if that is something my lawyer can make her do but I hope so. I mentioned a lie detector test and* she said she would take one right after *me. I said ok I will do it then she started with me being crazy and wasting money the family needs that we don’t have. My brother is looking into paternity tests. Apparently you can get it done where you just find out if the kids are yours but it doesnt work in a divorce. I believe it is cheaper this way. As long as I can find out then I will be at ease.


this is the mind of a cheater. you must be cheating too.


----------



## Robert22205

She only responds to strong affirmative action from you. Don't argue with her. A lie detector test is voluntary. It's not necessary for you to take a lie detector test ....she's the cheater and has to prove her honesty to you in order to stop the divorce. If she's innocent then she'll take the lie detector test. Just proceed with the divorce and continue to collect all evidence you can (and immediately turn it over to your attorney)....don't tell anyone you have it.


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## Beach123

Have you moved all money to your name only?


----------



## Goodhealth

I have not moved all of the money. If I have made people think that I am rolling in cash then I apologize. That is not the case. While we may not exactly be living paycheck to paycheck. It is pretty close to that so there really isn’t a bunch of cash to move. Maybe a few hundred but not much more as the bills roll out of our checking account about as fast as I get paid. We have a small cushion but not enough for me to miss much work.


----------



## jlg07

Goodhealth said:


> . My wife is really mad at me. According to her this whole thing is my fault and I am trying to make her life miserable.


Tough **** -- SHE is the cause of this. All of what you said is SO AMAZINGLY disrespectful it makes me wonder why she wanted to marry you.


----------



## Goodhealth

Jlg i am not sure how to answer your question. When we were dating and engaged she was fantastic. The sex was great she was good to go any time any where we could be together We were very happy. Even after we got married it was great. I did not see it start to turn until after the kids came then she started to need some time away with her friends again staying out and leaving me alone with them every friday and Saturday night. then she’d sleep in and be hung over and we really did not spend time together or do anything together as our only free time was spent with her and her friends going out getting drunk. I was left to be provider and babysitter when not working. 

I cannot explain the photo from the wedding though so i guess you are right but it sure seemed real back then.


----------



## snerg

Townes said:


> I would be beyond furious if someone put a recording device in my car because...my friends cheated? If I had not cheated and someone was secretly recording me, I would end that relationship in a heartbeat. The way some people on this site so casually endorse major invasions of privacy blows my mind. It's illegal in a lot of places for a reason. The ends don't always justify the means.





Goodhealth said:


> *Then I hear my wife speaking about our kids and she makes a crack about who their father might be.
> *


Ends don't justify the means.


----------



## OutofRetirement

No doubt she loved you and was sexually attracted to you, but she also was getting some type of adoration from her friends by dissing you. Her friends got off on it. Your wife dug being some kind of hero to her friends, duping you.

To be honest, her friends are fake friends. I think her friends are unhappy and insecure. In general, my strong opinion is that people who make fun of others who have done nothing to deserve it are extremely insecure.

Not that it matters. You talk about how much your wife loved you, but nothing about her values of loyalty. Here is one aspect of loyalty that I figured out while dating while young - it's easy to be loyal when everything is going great, when I'm paying for fantastic dates, heck, it's exciting no matter WHO you're with, and add to it sexual attraction, good looking, etc., it's not easy to keep the relationship going like that. But when things go south, now most nights are done laying on the floor in the kids' bedroom until they fall asleep, and you yourself winds up falling asleep, too, and you argue about whether the money should be spent buying a new car for the old piece of junk you're driving, or fixing up the roof which is starting to leak, then you see what they're made of.

Probably this isn't exactly you, but you can extrapolate.

The other thing, you didn't mention your wife's values. For example, some cheaters really do hate cheating. For whatever reason they fall into it, but they believe it's wrong. My wife never told her friends she was cheating because they would have ripped her a new one. Years ago I dropped a very close friend over his cheating on his fantastic wife. I had strong convictions. So did my wife, until she turned. But your wife seemed to have been OK with the whole cheating lifestyle from day one. Maybe you didn't talk about that stuff before you got married, but can you ever remember a time when your wife criticized cheating?

Finally, to some degree, discussing about how it happened, all about what used to be, as one of my favorite musicians "Glory Days" -- does it really matter? You are where you are, your wife is a **** burger, all you can do is control you and hope she turns around. And stay out of jail. That is huge. That is expensive and carries with you a long time.


----------



## Goodhealth

Energy, maybe the ends do not justify the means. But i am not sure how else I could have or would have found out. My wife sure as heck was not going to tell me straight up. Am I just supposed to be a sucker for life? What better suggestion do you offer?

Out of retirement, she always said cheating wasn’t in her nature she could never live with herself, but when it came to her friends, she wouldn’t judge because that was their life and business. 

I am struggling a bit with the var I used, but cannot see a better alternative. I do see now that i should not have revealed my source as i guess in the end it does not matter much but i really wanted her to stop lying and just be honest with me. She is my wife and this is our family. Now I just feel sick and stupid and want out. I’m ashamed because she makes jokes about me and is sneaking around rather than spending time with me.


----------



## 3putt

In what state do you live?


----------



## Goodhealth

Texas


----------



## 3putt

Goodhealth said:


> Texas


You are legally safe. Texas is a one party consent state meaning that only one party of the conversation needs to be aware that the conversation is being recorded. Since you were part of that conversation, you are completely within your legal right to record it.

No worries.


----------



## BluesPower

Goodhealth said:


> Energy, maybe the ends do not justify the means. But i am not sure how else I could have or would have found out. My wife sure as heck was not going to tell me straight up. Am I just supposed to be a sucker for life? What better suggestion do you offer?
> 
> Out of retirement, she always said cheating wasn’t in her nature she could never live with herself, but when it came to her friends, she wouldn’t judge because that was their life and business.
> 
> I am struggling a bit with the var I used, but cannot see a better alternative. I do see now that i should not have revealed my source as i guess in the end it does not matter much but i really wanted her to stop lying and just be honest with me. She is my wife and this is our family. Now I just feel sick and stupid and want out. I’m ashamed because she makes jokes about me and is sneaking around rather than spending time with me.


Listen, for one thing, STOP TALKING TO HER, NOW. Don't tell her another thing about anything.

Stop talking to her at all. Listen, your wife is not who you EVER thought she was. 

She has been screwing around for years probably, and you don't even know if the kids are yours. Really? 

Why would you even want to talk to her, about anything. She has been playing you for a chump for a long time. 

Just ignore her, completely, and handle your business...


----------



## Evinrude58

Stop sweating the VAR.

Your wife was going out on Friday and Sat nights getting drink and we all know what else, and coming home at 3-4am.

You had every right to find the truth. You certainly couldn’t get it from her.

You screwed up telling your source.

At this pt. It doesn’t matter.

Swab your kids cheek and get a paternity test.
They’ll stilllijrky be your responsibility even if they’re not yours. But you deserve to know the truth. The fact that your wife really doesn’t want you to test them— that’s telling in itself. She either isn’t sure or knows they aren’t yours.

The end doesn’t justify the means. Your wife’s horrid behavior and constant flow of lies is what justifies the VAR.

Be glad you had that option. It’s likely saved you a lot of heartache.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

3putt said:


> You are legally safe. Texas is a one party consent state meaning that only one party of the conversation needs to be aware that the conversation is being recorded. Since you were part of that conversation, you are completely within your legal right to record it.
> 
> No worries.


 I don't believe he was part of the conversation when the friends and she were dissing him, but on that note, as stated earlier, he should just gaslight her like she is gaslighting him and say "what recording" deny he had it or played it for her. 
The wedding pic thing would be more than enough for me to send her packing for good.


----------



## Beach123

It is real cheating.

She cheats you out of a wife and companion every single weekend! She cheats her kids out of having a Mom every weekend!you say she's hung over after the GNO and sleeps all day during the weekend. She's not attempting to be a Mom. 

You wish to believe she's not cheating - that's your mind trying to reconcile her bad behavior. Maybe she has a drinking problem too. But her role as a wife and a Mom - she's not fulfilling that role.

When you file for divorce - request full and sole custody - you can't leave her with those babies when her main focus is to party and sleep because she's hung over.

Begin getting your life back by eliminating her as much as possible - she's toxic and doesn't respect you.


Did you get the DNA test kits and test the kids today? You deserve to know if they are biologically yours. I don't believe you've ever had much truth from your wife.

You may not really know the real version of her.

Don't be surprised when you feel relieved when you remove her from your daily life. It may be the first peace of mind you've had in a long while.


See someone at the bank. You can divert your paychecks to a new account - the bank can pay the auto payments from the new account until you notify the bills of the new account info.


Looks like your wife wants your money. Don't give her a dime. You want her uncomfortable! She wants more money? She can work more! 


Is any of your family willing to help with the twins? See if they can help you.


----------



## 3putt

Rubix Cubed said:


> I don't believe he was part of the conversation when the friends and she were dissing him, but on that note, as stated earlier, he should just gaslight her like she is gaslighting him and say "what recording" deny he had it or played it for her.
> The wedding pic thing would be more than enough for me to send her packing for good.


I admit I didn't read the whole thread so I obviously missed that.


----------



## hinterdir

Yes, I agree. Divorce. Lying behind your back, being the inside joke to all of her sleazy, scummy friends, possibly not being the kids dad, going out to clubs/bars and drinking nad dancing with other men, her possibly having affairs. 

Dude......run. Flee. Based on how you've described her she is a horrible person.

Divorce her please. 
This entire situation sounds horrible. 

God speed with your healing and recovery.


----------



## hinterdir

Goodhealth said:


> my wife started going out every weekend I was off with her friends because she needed a mommy break. She was coming home at 3 or 4 am drunk and was heading out dressed very sexy.


I would divorce over that. I'm married but I'd start the divorce process if she did that even ONE time. "I'm dressing sexy, off to the clubs full of guys ready to hit on me because I need some GIRL TIME" Hell no.

That's single person behavior, not a wife. Why did you even let that go ONE time? 

You're "wife" sounds like a total ****. Yes, please divorce her.


----------



## hinterdir

x598 said:


> I would get out of the house TONIGHT.


Do NOT move out. That gives her 100% control of the kids, all of your assets, all of your financial and legal records. Do NOT move out.


----------



## hinterdir

Townes said:


> I would be beyond furious if someone put a recording device in my car because...my friends cheated? If I had not cheated and someone was secretly recording me, I would end that relationship in a heartbeat. The way some people on this site so casually endorse major invasions of privacy blows my mind. It's illegal in a lot of places for a reason. The ends don't always justify the means.


Spare us your virtuous "outrage". It was 100% warranted and as it turns out 100% justified. Tough **** you don't approve. I don't approve of your weak victim crap.


----------



## Kamstel

Just wanted to jump in and tell you that I think you are doing as well as can be expected

I think it was a stroke of brilliance to go out of town for work this weekend. Normally I would say it would be a bad idea to leave her alone, but in your situation, she will be forced to stay at home. 

Hope you come up with a strong course of action after talking to the lawyer today. No matter what they say, listen and follow their advice.

Do the two of you have phones? If so, can you get her phone and install gps tracking software? Could you have a friend follow her on girls light out and take photos from across the bar, and follow her from when she leaves the bar to when she leaves?

What is the status of the friends’ relationships?

You’re doing great. Just keep moving forward!


----------



## Kamstel

Since she agreed to take a polygraph after you take one, tell her that you called to make the appointments and they suggested that each come up with the questions you want asked.

Ask her to draft her questions to be submitted by early next week


----------



## Evinrude58

Kamstel said:


> Just wanted to jump in and tell you that I think you are doing as well as can be expected
> 
> I think it was a stroke of brilliance to go out of town for work this weekend. Normally I would say it would be a bad idea to leave her alone, but in your situation, she will be forced to stay at home.
> 
> Hope you come up with a strong course of action after talking to the lawyer today. No matter what they say, listen and follow their advice.
> 
> Do the two of you have phones? If so, can you get her phone and install gps tracking software? Could you have a friend follow her on girls light out and take photos from across the bar, and follow her from when she leaves the bar to when she leaves?
> 
> What is the status of the friends’ relationships?
> 
> You’re doing great. Just keep moving forward!


Good thoughts. Sadly, I suspect the OP's wife will find someone to watch the kids while she parties. Miss out on an entire weekend at "the club"?????? Nah, she's not stayin' home.


----------



## jlg07

Goodhealth said:


> Jlg i am not sure how to answer your question. When we were dating and engaged she was fantastic. The sex was great she was good to go any time any where we could be together We were very happy. Even after we got married it was great. I did not see it start to turn until after the kids came then she started to need some time away with her friends again staying out and leaving me alone with them every friday and Saturday night. then she’d sleep in and be hung over and we really did not spend time together or do anything together as our only free time was spent with her and her friends going out getting drunk. I was left to be provider and babysitter when not working.
> 
> I cannot explain the photo from the wedding though so i guess you are right but it sure seemed real back then.


Goodhealth, I wish (and I'm sure we all do) wish that this could all go away for you. The problem I have with this is that she LIED to you even before you were married about the guy from the wedding being an old family friend and NOT the fact that she had sex with him in the past. She KNEW that you were not supposed to have ex's at the wedding, and yet she blatantly broke that agreement. Seems to me that the disrespect was there well before the wedding (and I'm not arguing that you had a good relationship from your side of things during that time).

" I find out from the VAR that he was more than a friend and my wife and her friends laugh at me for not figuring it out. I’m the butt of their joke."
Have you asked your wife about WHY she broke that agreement to have him there? WHY she willingly went along with a picture that was so disrespectful to YOU, knowing that she LIED to you about this guy? They joke around about you being clueless with that guy, yet she lied about it, and you trusted her that she would be truthful with you. How would you have ever known? How is that funny? This isn't just "talking with the girls" -- this was downright dishonesty.

I hope that you are doing the DNA test on your kids, and you should think about having her do a polygraph to see if she did have sex with someone else while married or dating you, but honestly, for the poly, doesn't seem to matter if you are moving forward with the divorce (and YES, she deserves to be divorced from you -- she doesn't deserve a hard-working husband like yourself).


----------



## Beach123

Install a camera with ability to hear sound before you go on your trip. That way you can be sure your kids are ok while you're away and you can tell what she's planning.

It can be viewed in real time from an app on your phone.


----------



## sa58

Your wife is upset because she got caught. You exposed her
for her true self. You have exposed her friends also. She had you 
and her party time with her friends and now all of it is exposed. If she 
threatens to leave with the kids I think that would be considered abandonment 
in court. Just as if you moved out of the house. She will threaten you, lie to you,
then lie some more because she has been exposed as a cheater. Expose her to 
her family. Tell them what is going on. No need for the VAR just tell them.

She will try and make you think you are crazy also. You now know the truth about her.
If she wants a polygraph test for you take one. Call her bluff !! DNA your kids. You also need
to record every conversation you have with her. She would not be the first cheating wife 
to lie to the police about her husband. Avoid her otherwise. Cheaters lie, lie some more, deny,
and then blame shift everything to someone else. Stay strong you will prevail.


----------



## hinterdir

Kamstel said:


> Since she agreed to take a polygraph after you take one, tell her that you called to make the appointments and they suggested that each come up with the questions you want asked.
> 
> Ask her to draft her questions to be submitted by early next week


Why do you want this? It is meaningless. They aren't full proof, the results are proven fact otherwise these could be used in court to solve crimes. There isn't any reason to have anyone take a polygraph. The results may not even be accurate and once the test is over then what? It accomplishes nothing.


----------



## Kamstel

Don’t worry about her claim about having you arrested about the VA are.

That is not a criminal offense. At best she could take you to Civil court.

But that would mean she would have to hire an additional attorney to sue you.
I have re-read your thread multiple times. The more I read it, the more I’m concerned that you may not be the biological father of your children. Their biological father may just be that scum bag from Florida girls vacation


----------



## skerzoid

hinterdir said:


> Why do you want this? It is meaningless. They aren't full proof, the results are proven fact otherwise these could be used in court to solve crimes. There isn't any reason to have anyone take a polygraph. The results may not even be accurate and once the test is over then what? It accomplishes nothing.


I don't know if they are "full proof" but the CIA, FBI, etc. still use them so they are not a joke. I say line it up!! I bet you get a parking lot confession or a refusal. Also, check her google searches for "how to fool a polygraph."
:wink2:


----------



## hinterdir

skerzoid said:


> I don't know if they are "full proof" but the CIA, FBI, etc. still use them so they are not a joke. I say line it up!! I bet you get a parking lot confession or a refusal. Also, check her google searches for "how to fool a polygraph."
> :wink2:


LOL! Foolproof!


----------



## Kamstel

The biggest reasons for telling her that you have scheduled a polygraph, is

1- it will show her just how serious you are about this.
And
2-it might result in her giving him a parking lot confession.


----------



## Idyit

skerzoid said:


> I don't know if they are "full proof" but the CIA, FBI, etc. still use them so they are not a joke. I say line it up!! I bet you get a parking lot confession or a refusal. Also, check her google searches for "how to fool a polygraph."
> :wink2:


Also liberally used by parole/probation officers


----------



## VermiciousKnid

Your wife and her friends are emotionally retarded. They're like jr. high school aged girls, not women. Of course she has cheated on you. I'd get paternity tests done on the kiddos right away and, no, you don't need her permission to do this. You're their father, that's enough.


----------



## EleGirl

hinterdir said:


> Spare us your virtuous "outrage". It was 100% warranted and as it turns out 100% justified. Tough **** you don't approve. I don't approve of your weak victim crap.


You need to tone down your attacks on other TAM members.


----------



## threelittlestars

EleGirl said:


> You need to tone down your attacks on other TAM members.



RIGHT? I am the most modest and tongue tied if men approach me, and this dude has me painted as jessica rabbit! Im like.... WUT?


----------



## Townes

hinterdir said:


> Spare us your virtuous "outrage". It was 100% warranted and as it turns out 100% justified. Tough **** you don't approve. I don't approve of your weak victim crap.


He better hope law enforcement agrees since it's a felony in Texas punishable with prison time.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

The thing that people never seem to remember about a polygraph is that the mere threat of one often accomplishes more than the test would itself. Whether they're accurate or not is almost irrelevant. What matters is whether your cheating spouse believes polygraphs _might_ be accurate. The mere threat often elicits a reaction that is very telling--loud protestations and counter-threats, as we've seen in this situation. And more often than not, we see parking lot confessions that occur just moments before the scheduled test. So a BS's position should always be "Yes, I believe in the accuracy of this test, and I expect you will subject yourself to it" even if that's not entirely true. 

I say keep pushing for it.


----------



## badmemory

There's no reason for you to take a poly yourself GoodHealth. You've done nothing to make your wife suspect that you are cheating. Tell her when she finds some evidence, that's when you'll take it.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Townes said:


> He better hope law enforcement agrees since it's a felony in Texas punishable with prison time.


 How many times has it been prosecuted compared to how many times it's been done.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Deleted @Tatsuhiko covered it perfectly (and more politely) in post 108. No reason to repeat it.


----------



## Townes

Rubix Cubed said:


> How many times has it been prosecuted compared to how many times it's been done.


Once would be more than I would gamble on. I would not want my legal fate in her hands.


----------



## EleGirl

Goodhealth said:


> She says I’m bitter and need professional help for deliberately messing with other people’s lives. I told her I would want to know.


How does she claim that you are messing with other people’s lives? What are you doing?
About the recording you got.


Goodhealth said:


> She believes that she has done nothing wrong and that my request for a divorce is unreasonable and she says she will fight me all the way.


She cannot fight you getting a divorce from her. You have the right to divorce her if you want. If she does fight, it will increase her legal fees. So she will pay a LOT to fight.


Goodhealth said:


> I just can’t get them out of my head making fun of me. Apparently, I have been the inside joke for a while and one of her friends took a photo at our wedding with me, the wife and her ex-lover just because she thought it was funny.


This, I believe, is reason enough to divorce her. She has no respect for you. So why does she think you would want to be married to someone who treats you like this?


Goodhealth said:


> I just don’t see a path forward other than divorce. I have mentioned a paternity test and my wife says she’s leaving and I’ll never see the kids again if I try that.


You can do paternity tests with out her even knowing that you are going it. Most drug stores sell paternity test kits. You just take the samples from yourself and your children and mail them in with your check. They will send you the results. Just do it. I’d think you’d want to do this quietly because you do not want your children to know that you are doing paternity tests on them. So just run the tests and get your results. Once you get the results if you are not the father of one or both of them, talk to your lawyer. 


Goodhealth said:


> My brother wants me to see a lawyer so I put a call in to one and my wife freaked out. She is threatening to take the kids and leave. She insists that she never cheated and that I am wrong for spying on her and ruining her friends lives.


Why on earth did you tell your wife that you called a lawyer? You need to see a lawyer without her knowing at first so that the lawyer can tell you want you need to do. Stop telling her that you are going to divorce her and talk to lawyers, just do it. Make your plans and then have her served with the divorce papers which should include an interim custody plan.

Your wife cannot take the children and leave legally. She has no more right to them than you do.


----------



## Beach123

Stop talking to your wife! She just full of threats that she can't back up legally.

It's obvious she doesn't love or respect you - yet she wants you around for your income.

Tell her to get a full time job! She's gonna need it! Your leverage with her is by taking away her source of money (from you). You tell her to pay her own way! If the kids need something specific you should be willing to consider getting it for them - do NOT give your wife access to any money - especially cash or bank acts or credit cards!


----------



## Nucking Futs

Townes said:


> *Once* would be more than I would gamble on. I would not want my legal fate in her hands.


You're in luck, the number isn't that high.:smthumbup:


----------



## Townes

Nucking Futs said:


> You're in luck, the number isn't that high.:smthumbup:


Took about 3 minutes of googling to prove that claim false. Jack joseph duffy vs state of Texas.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Townes said:


> Took about 3 minutes of googling to prove that claim false. Jack joseph duffy vs state of Texas.


Nope, that's a tapped phone, thus the charge of "unlawful interception of electronic communication". Nobody here has suggested tapping a phone. Number is still less than one.


----------



## Townes

Nucking Futs said:


> Nope, that's a tapped phone, thus the charge of "unlawful interception of electronic communication". Nobody here has suggested tapping a phone. Number is still less than one.


I think you're drawing a faulty distinction between the types or recording devices used that I wouldn't gamble my life on being upheld legally. There are also other cases I found easily where other types of recording devices were used. I would not be at all confident that a TAM-approved recording device is going to be an exception legally. 

This is becoming a threadjack though so these will be my parting comments. I can't in good conscience advise people to break very clear laws because an internet forum says they'll probably be alright. If you want to do that, that's your business. OP just listen to your lawyer.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Townes said:


> I think you're drawing a faulty distinction between the types or recording devices used that I wouldn't gamble my life on being upheld legally. There are also other cases I found easily where other types of recording devices were used. I would not be at all confident that a TAM-approved recording device is going to be an exception legally.
> 
> This is becoming a threadjack though so these will be my parting comments. I can't in good conscience advise people to break very clear laws because an internet forum says they'll probably be alright. If you want to do that, that's your business. OP just listen to your lawyer.


Nobody's asking you to advise anyone of anything.


----------



## Townes

Nucking Futs said:


> Nobody's asking you to advise anyone of anything.[/QUOT
> 
> Wow, what a clever comeback. Impressive.


----------



## Townes

Nucking Futs said:


> Nobody's asking you to advise anyone of anything.


But they're asking you right?


----------



## Townes

Nucking Futs said:


> Nobody's asking you to advise anyone of anything.


Good discussion. I apologize for being snarky at the end. That was immature and reactive. OP my thoughts and prayers are with you. Sincerely.


----------



## BluesPower

Townes said:


> Good discussion. I apologize for being snarky at the end. That was immature and reactive. OP my thoughts and prayers are with you. Sincerely.


Listen, @Townes, I know that you mean well, but you are wrong on this one. No one is saying that no one is Ever been prosecuted for this. What we are saying is that almost no one gets prosecuted for this. 

That is all. I work in this area of the law and I promise you that it almost never happens. 

Now, OP in this case should have never said where or anything about what he found out until he was serving her papers and already had his kids DNA tested, but too late for that now.


----------



## Be smart

Dear OP,I dont know is your Wife cheating or not but honestly does it matter at this point?

Her behaviour says a lot. 
You told her about ex boyfriend/s not attending your Wedding and she lied about it. 
She laughs at you behind your back,make jokes about you so she can have a good time with her "Friends"
She doesnt like to spend time with you,her kids,her Family. She rather goes out,drink and what else!
Friday and Saturday she is out,doing God knows what and on Sundays she is on couch,fighting with hangover. 
Why do you allow this behaviour in your House ? Not trying to sound rude. 


You have been paying for all of this,working two Jobs,taking care of your Kids and she cant thank you and respect you!!!

Also you are paying for her school. If I remember correctly she want to be a Nurse or something like that,right?
Now let me tell you a story about my close Friend. He stayed with his Wife for the sake of the Kids and payed for her schooling. Once she finished it she divorced him.Please think about this. 

She is working part time job. Stop paying for her entertainment. Better save that money because you are going to need it. 

How old are your Kids ? 

Dont fight with her. More power to you. Stay calm,spend time with your Kids. She is going nuts because you have a control,maybe for the first time in your Marriage. This is why she is screaming.

Stay Strong.


----------



## Townes

BluesPower said:


> Listen, @Townes, I know that you mean well, but you are wrong on this one. No one is saying that no one is Ever been prosecuted for this. What we are saying is that almost no one gets prosecuted for this.
> 
> That is all. I work in this area of the law and I promise you that it almost never happens.
> 
> Now, OP in this case should have never said where or anything about what he found out until he was serving her papers and already had his kids DNA tested, but too late for that now.



Fair enough amigo.


----------



## Kamstel

Any one heard from Goodhealth?


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> Energy, maybe the ends do not justify the means. But i am not sure how else I could have or would have found out. My wife sure as heck was not going to tell me straight up. Am I just supposed to be a sucker for life? What better suggestion do you offer?
> 
> Out of retirement, she always said cheating wasn’t in her nature she could never live with herself, but when it came to her friends, she wouldn’t judge because that was their life and business.
> 
> I am struggling a bit with the var I used, but cannot see a better alternative. I do see now that i should not have revealed my source as i guess in the end it does not matter much but i really wanted her to stop lying and just be honest with me. She is my wife and this is our family. Now I just feel sick and stupid and want out. I’m ashamed because she makes jokes about me and is sneaking around rather than spending time with me.


The level of her disrespect and disregard for your feelings is breathtaking.

She does not love you anymore. Not by any definition of love I know.

She may have "feelings", but those are for her own good and not for yours.

She would not gaslight, ridicule, or threaten you in this way if she did love you.

Ask yourself, is this how you would treat her if she were sick with concerns?

She is guilty, that is why she is defensive and threatening.

You actually have shown yourself to be a man of action.

They do the best in these circumstances, keep it up.

Revealing your sources. Yeah that was a mistake, never do that, never, but everyone makes mistakes, don't sweat it.

Cheating changes you. You have now seen that with your own eyes. 

One change you must accept is that she is no longer your friend. She will hurt you and take advantage of you. She has already told you so. Why?

This leads me to my last point. 

Women (i.e. your wife) may cheat for a variety of reasons.

Some women cheat because a man sneaks up on them as a friend, and leads the women to an emotional connection, which means sex for him. These women tend to "fall in love. They have been played

From what you have shared your wife cheats for the pleasure/excitement/validation type reasons. 

That makes her a "player". It's her fundamental character.

She is willing to walk away from you, and your family to protect that lascivious mindset.

That would make her a serial cheater and you her unknowning dupe.

From my reading on these boards for the moast part serial cheaters just don't change, especially when it stretches back with the hens she runs with.

Don't second guess your own judgment, you are showing it to be very reliable.

If you can try to get feedback here first, but when you have a plan, be strong, take action, and I think move on.


----------



## Decorum

Btw, the next step is to get what Shaggy use to call, "a good shark lawyer", if you can find a female one with 300 teeth all the better.


----------



## Goodhealth

I just wanted to post an update. I have been working and not had much time.

I did see the lawyer. I liked him and am going to use him. He suggested resolving the paternity issue early in the process and we are doing that now. I know I should have kept my mouth shut with my plans, but my wife picked a fight with me before I left for the weekend and I just laid it out to her. I used some of the posts from this thread as it helped me say what needed said. I told her about the lawyer and that she should be happy since she doesn’t behave like a married woman anyway.

The weird part is that she has flipped now she’s sorry. She actually bought a dna test and had it at the house when I got back. We are waiting on the results. I think the kids are mine but I have to know for sure. She claims she was. Just. Showing off for her friends and didn’t mean anything by it but understands how that was wrong now. 

One of her crew has told the group that she can’t hang out with them or talk to them anymore. Before I left that was my fault, when I got home she sees that it was her friend’s fault. I dont know where the change is coming from but it is too little too late.

I don’t know how some of you all find the self control to keep your plans and information to yourself. I guess i am not smart enough to manage that part cause she can just push my buttons and my mouth is moving right back at her.


----------



## Goodhealth

Be smart, our kids are almost 2.

I did not pay for her college and she is not going anymore. She is not a nurse, she didn’t finish college. She got a job and it seemed Ike a good one so she stopped going. Then she lost the job and said too much time had gone by. She did not finish college. No way I’m paying for that.

Appreciate the response, sorry for the confusion.


----------



## Goodhealth

Elegirl, she said I was messing with other people’s lives and was bitter because I told her friends husbands and the live in boyfriend what I knew. She said it was none of my business and I had no right to ruin their lives. 

The recording I have at my brothers house for now. I can’t use it and am planning to get rid of it. When i start to doubt myself about the divorce, I listened to it again. Doubts were gone after that.


----------



## Goodhealth

KAmstel, as for the friend’s relationship. One of them has cut ties with the rest of the group. They all hate my guts for spoiling the fun. My wife is not spending anywhere near the time on her phone since I got back. The friend that got booted from her boyfriends is trying to get back with him and my wife says she’s not really responding much to the group right now except with poor me type stories. Her group did not go out or get together this weekend. Oddly enough my wife says the single friend is the one who seems to despise me the most right now. I didn’t have anyone to tell her crap stories to but she’s pissed about the group troubles I guess.


----------



## OutofRetirement

She claims it was all not her true feelings, just a joke and facade for her toxic friends. I in no way believe her pathetic excuse.

However, she brought her lover to your wedding ceremony and reception. And lied to you about it. And has NEVER told you the truth and as far as I can see, never would tell the truth about it. How does she excuse that, that she argued with you that he was ONLY a friend and she was adamant about you that both of you should not bring any past lover to the wedding? This can't be excused as just a matter of "girls talk." Combined with your recent secret glimpse into how she talks about you behind your back, this shows a repetitive pattern of deception and hypocrisy. 

So how did she explain away her lying on inviting her lover to the wedding?


----------



## Kamstel

She has changed her story, and now loves you and only you, and it was never your fault it was her friends fault for one simple reason.

She’s about to lose her meal ticket. She’s about to lose her comfortable life, that’s why she now loves you more than ever.
Do not buy any of this manure.

I think you’ve done a great job dealing with this situation.

You also did a fantastic job in letting the other men know about their wives/ girlfriend.

Keep up the fantastic job! Also don’t hesitate to listen to that recording over and over and over again whenever doubt enters your mind.

From what you have said, you are dealing with a horrible person! You need to look out for the interest of your kids and yourself! The sooner you get her out of your life as much as possible the better off you will be!

And as I told you before, I promise that you are going to look back at this time In about six months time, and you are going to be shocked at just how fantastic your new life is without her!

Just keep moving forward


----------



## Beach123

So she wants to play nice so she can keep using you, right?

She wants your income. Make sure she's working full time! 

It's no different than when she married you!

And of course, she isn't taking responsibility for the way SHE participated - so there is NO reason to think she will ever change.

This is just more manipulation and lies/on a deeper level.

I give her this - she is skilled at her craft! Most men would cave under her new manipulative moves.

Stay on path - she's not one bit authentic or loving! 




Did you provide your DNA for the tests?


----------



## TRy

Goodhealth said:


> I think the kids are mine but I have to know for sure. She claims she was. Just. Showing off for her friends and didn’t mean anything by it but understands how that was wrong now.


 Wow, she was hanging with such a group of cheating toxic friends, that telling them that she is not sure if the children are her husband’s is considered “Showing off”. Among most groups of friends that would be considered something that you kept a secret so that they do not think less of you. 

The next time that she tries to make you feel bad for exposing them all, you should smile and take pride in damaging this low life scum of a group, and tell your wife that if she or her friends had any sense of decency, they would hang their heads in shame and understand why you had to tell the other men being cheated on. It was the right thing to do, a concept that is foreign to them.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> I know I should have kept my mouth shut with my plans, but my wife picked a fight with me before I left for the weekend and I just laid it out to her.
> 
> I don’t know how some of you all find the self control to keep your plans and information to yourself. I guess i am not smart enough to manage that part cause she can just push my buttons and my mouth is moving right back at her.


No, it has nothing to do with being smart, people "smarter" than us combined have lost it, and weakened their position by saying too much.

No reason for self-doubt talk. This is a support forum, and you will face a few more times when it will be best to keep your cards close, before this is done. Just a life lesson, don't sweat it.

You may be able to use that experience to help someone else one day.

No one is really prepared for something like this.

You sound like a very decent man, and you deserve better.

If you are ever with a woman who genuinely loves and respects you, the contrast between her and your soon to be ex-wife (stbxw) will be stark as night and day.

You wife is using you, she views you like a commodity, buy/sell/trade.

You provide the safe home life, from which she strays for excitement, pleasure, validation.

She does not respect you.
She does not love you.

You deserve respect for who you are, and what you do.

She may change her behaviour, and attitude to keep from losing you.

That is different than you being her genuine partner.

Be strong, stay the course, you deserve better.


----------



## sokillme

Goodhealth said:


> I just wanted to post an update. I have been working and not had much time.
> 
> I did see the lawyer. I liked him and am going to use him. He suggested resolving the paternity issue early in the process and we are doing that now. I know I should have kept my mouth shut with my plans, but my wife picked a fight with me before I left for the weekend and I just laid it out to her. I used some of the posts from this thread as it helped me say what needed said. I told her about the lawyer and that she should be happy since she doesn’t behave like a married woman anyway.
> 
> The weird part is that she has flipped now she’s sorry. She actually bought a dna test and had it at the house when I got back. We are waiting on the results. I think the kids are mine but I have to know for sure. She claims she was. Just. Showing off for her friends and didn’t mean anything by it but understands how that was wrong now.
> 
> One of her crew has told the group that she can’t hang out with them or talk to them anymore. Before I left that was my fault, when I got home she sees that it was her friend’s fault. I dont know where the change is coming from but it is too little too late.
> 
> I don’t know how some of you all find the self control to keep your plans and information to yourself. I guess i am not smart enough to manage that part cause she can just push my buttons and my mouth is moving right back at her.


Here is the lesson. Everyone but the very rare takes what you give them. If you allow them they will push you say inappropriate things and see how far it can go. You should have stopped your wife the first time she started acting ****ty. Called her on it and warned her that there would be consequences. This isn't just your wife it's everyone. Respect is a given and if it's not given you need to call people out. This should be your mindset, the more you do it the easier it gets. 

Personally I agree too little too late. When your wife is making jokes about your kid not being yours she is an ******* and you can do much better.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> The recording I have at my brothers house for now. I can’t use it and am planning to get rid of it. When i start to doubt myself about the divorce, I listened to it again. Doubts were gone after that.


I would keep a copy. 

When your kids are older (adult/near adult) it might be important for them to be able to understand your perspective.

Perhaps a safety deposit box, or safely locked up at your brothers house.

It may be hard to imagine your stbxw doing so, but I have seen mothers spin the truth to make their loyal husband look bad, or worse.

Remember she threatened to take your kids from you.

If you ever need it you will be glad you kept it. If never needed it will be of no consequence. Just don't obsess over it.

I wish you well.
Take care.


----------



## Sparta

Whatever you do.! Do not get rid of the recordings ever. Have a couple copies of them hidden in different place, seriously for the rest your life.!


----------



## Decorum

In fact make a second copy, and keep it off site in a secure place.


----------



## thedope

If she is being cooperative you should ask her to take a polygraph, you’ll take one too if she wants.

From the conversation and her actions I’d bet a large sum she cheated.


----------



## BluesPower

Goodhealth said:


> I just wanted to post an update. I have been working and not had much time.
> 
> I did see the lawyer. I liked him and am going to use him. He suggested resolving the paternity issue early in the process and we are doing that now. I know I should have kept my mouth shut with my plans, but my wife picked a fight with me before I left for the weekend and I just laid it out to her. I used some of the posts from this thread as it helped me say what needed said. I told her about the lawyer and that she should be happy since she doesn’t behave like a married woman anyway.
> 
> The weird part is that she has flipped now she’s sorry. She actually bought a dna test and had it at the house when I got back. We are waiting on the results. I think the kids are mine but I have to know for sure. She claims she was. Just. Showing off for her friends and didn’t mean anything by it but understands how that was wrong now.
> 
> One of her crew has told the group that she can’t hang out with them or talk to them anymore. Before I left that was my fault, when I got home she sees that it was her friend’s fault. I dont know where the change is coming from but it is too little too late.
> 
> I don’t know how some of you all find the self control to keep your plans and information to yourself. I guess i am not smart enough to manage that part cause she can just push my buttons and my mouth is moving right back at her.


So you understand WHY she changed her tune... Because she knows now that she is about to lose everything. 

Also understand that you need to move forward and not look back. The next thing she will try and do is F your brains out, don't let her, think with your big head. 

YOU MUST DIVORCE THIS WOMAN... let that be your mantra...


----------



## Decorum

I am just going to mention this as a public service announcement.

Ideally if I were going to DNA my kids I would take them to the doctors office myself, and pick up the results myself when they were in.

Mail in DNA tests are more common now, I don't know much about them. If the seal on the kit was ok when you used it, you are probably ok.

If it's like the one we used from ancestry.com (for genealogy purposes) you can view your results online.

If it comes in the mail, you and you alone should open it. I would still double check it somehow, (maybe online, if possible) to be sure.

We did have one wayward wife try to fake the results.

There is often much at stake.

Regards, D.


----------



## PaulB

Decorum said:


> I would keep a copy.
> 
> When your kids are older (adult/near adult) it might be important for them to be able to understand your perspective.
> 
> Perhaps a safety deposit box, or safely locked up at your brothers house.
> 
> It may be hard to imagine your stbxw doing so, but I have seen mothers spin the truth to make their loyal husband look bad, or worse.


Unfortunately, there is a good chance that she will fill your kids' heads with all sorts of garbage about you. I've never understood why some parents do this, no matter how much they hate their exes. Let me convince you that half your DNA comes from a worthless piece of crap...that'll do wonders for your developing self image and self worth...


----------



## Kamstel

Have you gone to the doctor to be tested for STDs yet?

I strongly suggest you do it


----------



## PaulB

Goodhealth said:


> The weird part is that she has flipped now she’s sorry. She actually bought a dna test and had it at the house when I got back. We are waiting on the results. I think the kids are mine but I have to know for sure. She claims she was. Just. Showing off for her friends and didn’t mean anything by it but understands how that was wrong now.


I've never talked like that about my spouse, hanging out with my friends, nor have my friends.

Who she surrounds herself with says a lot. The friends we keep are a reflection of who we are or who we're becoming.




Sparta said:


> Whatever you do.! Do not get rid of the recordings ever. Have a couple copies of them hidden in different place, seriously for the rest your life.!


Make a digital copy of everything and store online someplace she has no access.


----------



## bandit.45

Goodhealth said:


> I am feeling like the deck is stacked against me. My wife went to college. I didn’t. She didn’t finish but studied some law classes.


Means nothing without that diploma on the wall. She may as well have not even gone to college than go for a time and quit before finishing. 

Her inability to finish things also says something about her character...on top of the crappy way she treats the ones she loves. 

Your wife is just a crappy human being.


----------



## bandit.45

Goodhealth said:


> I just wanted to post an update. I have been working and not had much time.
> 
> I did see the lawyer. I liked him and am going to use him. He suggested resolving the paternity issue early in the process and we are doing that now. I know I should have kept my mouth shut with my plans, but my wife picked a fight with me before I left for the weekend and I just laid it out to her. I used some of the posts from this thread as it helped me say what needed said. I told her about the lawyer and that she should be happy since she doesn’t behave like a married woman anyway.
> 
> The weird part is that she has flipped now she’s sorry. She actually bought a dna test and had it at the house when I got back. We are waiting on the results. I think the kids are mine but I have to know for sure. She claims she was. Just. Showing off for her friends and didn’t mean anything by it but understands how that was wrong now.
> 
> One of her crew has told the group that she can’t hang out with them or talk to them anymore. Before I left that was my fault, when I got home she sees that it was her friend’s fault. I dont know where the change is coming from but it is too little too late.
> 
> I don’t know how some of you all find the self control to keep your plans and information to yourself. I guess i am not smart enough to manage that part cause she can just push my buttons and my mouth is moving right back at her.


She's going to do the bare minimum of what she has to do to appease you, and then once you call off the lawyer and get off her back she will be right back to her old disrespectful self. Ultimately this whole sorry situation circles around the fact that she does not respect you. There cannot be a good marriage without respect. Once a woman loses respect for a man there is no getting it back...ever. It sounds like your wife has never respected you...probably because she doesn't respect herself. 

Move forward with D. Stop listening to what she says and watch what she does. The truth is in her actions.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

TRy said:


> Wow, she was hanging with such a group of cheating toxic friends, that telling them that she is not sure if the children are her husband’s is considered “Showing off”. Among most groups of friends that would be considered something that you kept a secret so that they do not think less of you.
> 
> The next time that she tries to make you feel bad for exposing them all, you should smile and take pride in damaging this low life scum of a group, and tell your wife that if she or her friends had any sense of decency, they would hang their heads in shame and understand why you had to tell the other men being cheated on. It was the right thing to do, a concept that is foreign to them.


 Exactly my thoughts. "Showing Off" ... Hmph. This morally bankrupt and deceitful crew have an odd perception of what is admirable. You should ask her if *she* was impressed by her friend's equivalent tales of whorieness.


----------



## Beach123

Make sure YOU see the DNA test stuff come out of that package sealed - and make sure you take the test in front of your kids and make sure YOU prepare the package to be sent in the mail.

Do NOT let her mess with that kit!


----------



## Goodhealth

Appreciate the feedback on the kit. I did the samples of the family and sealed it up and mailed it myself. I should know back next week for the results. 

I missed a question about cellphones. Yes we each have one. I probably should have sent someone to the club to see what was up, but didn’t think about that before I blew up. She’s not going now. She will take a polygraph now, but I do not see the point as it really doesnt matter to me. I am proceeding with the lawyer when I get the results back either way. 

I had not thought about std tests, but I feel fine so think I am ok there also.


----------



## Goodhealth

Out of retirement as for the “friend” at our wedding. She said. He was a good friend, then they tried being more, it didn’t work so they were able. To go back to being just good friends. He is a family friend, she didn’t know how to explain not inviting him to her family and thought he was an exception since they were able to just be good friends again.

Still doesnt explain why she left me out of the loop and then made fun of me for it. She doesnt seem to have an answer for that.


----------



## Marc878

Goodhealth said:


> Out of retirement as for the “friend” at our wedding. She said. He was a good friend, then they tried being more, it didn’t work so they were able. To go back to being just good friends. He is a family friend, she didn’t know how to explain not inviting him to her family and thought he was an exception since they were able to just be good friends again.
> 
> So it was ok to lie about it and make fun of you behind your back?
> 
> Still doesnt explain why she left me out of the loop and then made fun of me for it. She doesnt seem to have an answer for that.


Because you know the truth and lies won't work now.

It's funny how the truth fixes a lot of things and brings a fresh persoective isn't it?


----------



## Beach123

Goodhealth said:


> Out of retirement as for the “friend” at our wedding. She said. He was a good friend, then they tried being more, it didn’t work so they were able. To go back to being just good friends. He is a family friend, she didn’t know how to explain not inviting him to her family and thought he was an exception since they were able to just be good friends again.
> 
> Still doesnt explain why she left me out of the loop and then made fun of me for it. She doesnt seem to have an answer for that.


Her answers to anything is irrelevant at this point - she is a liar who will lie about everything... especially at your expense we.

It's interesting that she is attempting to be compliant now - now that she knows you can take away her easy lifestyle - her money source - her sitter.

Her motives are clear - she must think you don't see her lack of virtues - but it's all crystal clear that she's a woman who will use you for everything as long as you allow it.

Glad you're not willing to be her chump anymore!


----------



## BruceBanner

Decorum said:


> I am just going to mention this as a public service announcement.
> 
> Ideally if I were going to DNA my kids I would take them to the doctors office myself, and pick up the results myself when they were in.
> 
> Mail in DNA tests are more common now, I don't know much about them. If the seal on the kit was ok when you used it, you are probably ok.
> 
> If it's like the one we used from ancestry.com (for genealogy purposes) you can view your results online.
> 
> If it comes in the mail, you and you alone should open it. I would still double check it somehow, (maybe online, if possible) to be sure.
> 
> We did have one wayward wife try to fake the results.
> 
> There is often much at stake.
> 
> Regards, D.


My recommendation is to always leave the mother home and to always get a "second opinion" from another doctor.


----------



## Goodhealth

Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have. 

I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


----------



## ButtPunch

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


OMG

I'm so sorry

Get into counseling asap

No one should have to go thru that.

Do go and have a doctor perform a second test.


----------



## BluesPower

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


OMG, man I am so sorry for you getting that news. I don't even know what to say except bless you...


----------



## OnTheFly

Ugh, there is much ugliness in this world, worst when done by those who are to love us.


----------



## seadoug105

I am so sorry!! I truly cant imagine the pain! My prayers go out to you!


----------



## stro

That’s awful. I agree, nothing you can do but file. If you used an over the counter DNA kit, consider getting a more reliable test. It’s way more expensive but you need to be sure. The over the counter test kits aren’t always 100% accurate. Although, If you get a divorce you will likely need to get another one done anyway.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

File and get results to your lawyer. Whomever the daddy is, they need to be paying for the child support. It makes your life easier in the long run. F-her! 

The total lack of respect is just stomach turning. You will be in my prayers. Stay strong and remember, we are pulling for you bud....


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

"Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have."


Oh look! it's another immaculate conception thingy....


Then you need to sit her down and explain "when a penis goes into a vagina"....


----------



## Tron

Wow!

So sorry GH. That really really sucks! 

I also suggest you have a 2nd paternity test done by your doctor...just to be sure. But if the results hold up, your STBXW is a real piece of work. Ugh!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Damn Goodhealth, I really feel for you. You're definitely in a ****ty situation thanks to your immoral wife. I expect she has known it all along.


> Then I hear my wife speaking about our kids and *she makes a crack about who their father might be.* her one friend calls her a **** and asks iif it is some guy that was buying her drinks and dancing with her when they went away for a girls night. Everyone has a good laugh at my expense.


 This just reinforces with no doubt that you need to divorce this woman who obviously cares nothing for you or your well being. Even if the tests are false her backstabbing and betrayal of you is more than enough to send her packing, this is just the icing on the cake. So sorry brutha.


----------



## just got it 55

Goodhealth said:


> She has also threatened to have my arrested if I ever play the VAR to anyone else. I played it for her because she kept denying the conversation.


GH I haven't read past this post But I can tell you this

This will not end well

Hard 180

Clear and present detachment

Seperate your finances

Find a hardcore shark Lawyer

File and be on your way

Be the best man and father you can be

ETA: Kick her teeth in court

Just let her try to take and keep your children from you.

55


----------



## just got it 55

Goodhealth said:


> Woo, I have never abused my wife or kids. She can’t possibly claim that. It never happened


Don't fool yourself She can claim anything

Document and protect yourself to prove otherwise

55


----------



## Robert22205

I'm sorry you experienced this awful behavior. 
See a lawyer ...get a second DNA test...get into counseling for yourself....plan a new life for yourself.


----------



## BluesPower

OP it would be good if you could just check in and tell us you are OK. 

Don't do anything stupid, OK...


----------



## Tatsuhiko

So sorry. This has to be really tough. 

Let's see. She has another man's children, makes you support them, and laughs about it behind your back. Then threatens to call the police if you tell people what she is. Yeah, that's a great wife.

Tell her there's no need to worry about playing the VAR. Exposing that she's had another man's children is good enough. Next time she threatens to call the police, tell her you'll have her arrested for paternity fraud and sue her and her lover for back child support. Yes, it's a bluff, but it might shut her up.


----------



## OutofRetirement

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


I'm so sorry.

I think you should go to a doctor who can re-do the test.

This is too important to not get a second review.

Who can you talk to about this? You mentioned a brother. Tell him about it. Ask him for support.

I hate to say this, with enough on your mind, but be wary around your wife. She has proven selfish and cruel. Don't underestimate what she will do to undermine you and cast doubts on your truthfulness.

Maybe it's best to move out until this is sorted out. What do you think? Make it easy on yourself.


----------



## Kamstel

I’m saying this for the sake of the children, definitely not for her!

Ask your brother or somebody to contact your soon to be ex-wife’s family and or friends, and have him tell them what is going on and tell them to get over to her and the children. Nobody wants her to do anything stupid to herself or worse to the children.

Yes she is an evil person, but you must protect The twins


----------



## TRy

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


I am so sorry to hear this news. What makes this worse is that you would have never known about this had she not been bragging about it to others as she sought to humiliate you behind your back. Of all the threads that I have read on these sites, your wife is one of the most horrible cheaters I have come across. She lacks something as a human.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth, I am so sorry!


----------



## Beach123

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


Oh god, I feel sad for you and the kids. So she was lying and trying to fool you! 

She is just so dispicable! I hope you can leverage a good settlement in the divorce considering her new solid info.

Her reaction = she's willing to lie way deeper than I presumed.

There's no hope she can become a decent person. Glad you know now and not 30 years from now.

She would have used you as long as you would allow it! And as long as you didn't know her truth!

Scummy party gal.


----------



## threelittlestars

Oh ****... Unfortunately this emotional atomic bomb makes this a very easy decision for you. I wish you well in the days ahead. 

Your wife is a dumb stupid woman who also happens to be a low moral ***** who is an opportunistic *****. I hope you crucify her financially in the divorce.


----------



## Kamstel

How are you doing today?


----------



## Steelman

Your wife seems like a real *****. Without reading any more, who wouldn't be pissed. And her friends are toxic snakes.

Edit- I read the whole thing, and wow. Very sorry. She is a horrible human being.


----------



## Evinrude58

Uggh. Sorry man. Sad story of evil and deceit. Get out of this.
Hope you Check I in here.


----------



## Goodhealth

I am here today my boss let me go home early. I haven’t done nothing stupid lately at least nothing as dumb as marrying the woman i did. No more getting married for me. 

After a bunch of BS about the tests not being good and the lab not being good and us not trained to know what we were doing

She has admitted to a very drunk mistake but knows the guy used a condom and the kids look like me so they cant be his. She swears it was just the one time and she never saw him again. Doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m done 100% with the marriage.

My brother is letting me crash with him while i get stuff sorted out. 

Wife has been trying everything to get me to talk to her and try to work it out today, but I have zero interest and am ignoring her today we will need to do an official test also but that will not be as fast. 


I do need to swing by to get more of my stuff, aside from that Hopefully everything else can be the lawyers only. My brother tried picking some stuff up for me early this morning but she wouldn’t let him in so ill have to do it.


----------



## personofinterest

Check and see what the laws are about leaving your home. You don't want there to be any abandonment claims. Also, NEVER be in her presence without a VAR. This is exactly the kind of woman who would claim abuse, and all it takes is a claim to mess up a man's life 

I am so so sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself, keep a good support system, eat right and try to sleep. Get a free consultation from all of the really good attorneys in your town so SHE can't use them.


----------



## Goodhealth

Tatsuhiko i am keeping your suggestion n mind. I know it is a bluff but it might make her back down if it comes to it.


----------



## eric1

Ah, the ol’ “one-time drunken mistake” defense.

That’s been true like .0001% of the times that it has been used


----------



## Goodhealth

TRY. Right now I feel like she’s the most horribe person ever I know that is not the case but it feels like it to me.


----------



## BluesPower

Goodhealth said:


> TRY. Right now I feel like she’s the most horribe person ever I know that is not the case but it feels like it to me.


No, you are wrong, she is the most horrible person that you have ever known. 

Plus, you know that she is lying about everything, right? 

She has been screwing around for a long time. And she knows exactly who the father of the twins are. 

DO NOT FALTER... Understand, do not listen to one word that she says. She will do anything to get her patsy back and your paycheck as well. 

Don't be a fool anymore...


----------



## Goodhealth

Erc1 she says she only remembers his first name but her group went to the same places all the time. I guess he could have just been there the one time but it doesnt matter in the end. I think this part may be true. She seems to be really convinced that the kids are mine. She said she would have never bought the tests otherwise.


----------



## Kamstel

When you go over there to pick up your stuff, bring someone, preferably 2 other people along with you as witnesses and who will also help you pack up as quick as possible. Your goal should be to get out of there in the least amount of time possible! 

Bring bags with you to just throw things into. Try not to say anything to her if possible

You may want to contact the local police to see if an officer could also be there for your arrival. Tell them that you are concerned what she might do and if she might hurt you.


----------



## Kamstel

And even BEFORE you told us about the DNA results, many of us already knew she was a horrible person


----------



## Goodhealth

Kamstel I have 3 people going to help me I want in and out fast and witnesses. I have a var ready. We leave in about an hour. I’m hoping to get lucky and her not be there.


----------



## TDSC60

Goodhealth said:


> Erc1 she says she only remembers his first name but her group went to the same places all the time. I guess he could have just been there the one time but it doesnt matter in the end. I think this part may be true. She seems to be really convinced that the kids are mine. She said she would have never bought the tests otherwise.


That should make you feel so much better to know that she ONLY jumped the bones of ONE guy in a bar during the time of conception.

Kind of a big coincidence That her one and only F-up coincided with the time that she got pregnant. Do you think that there might have been more than one? She obviously had her herd of female protectors with her for cover every time she went out with them. 

As for the lover at the wedding - she could not find the courage to follow her own "no Xs at the wedding" rule, but had no problem lying to you and making fun of you and humiliating you with her friends afterwards. She was, and is more concerned with her Ex-lover and her friends feelings than yours. Not a good start to the marriage. Then her finally admitting to a drunken one-night stand put the fork in it - marriage done. (It is almost never a single one-nighter. With the way she is partying, I would guess one OM multiple times or a new target every time they went out.)

Your lawyer might want to set up additional DNA tests just to make the courts happy.


----------



## Edmund

Goodhealth said:


> Erc1 she says she only remembers his first name but her group went to the same places all the time. I guess he could have just been there the one time but it doesnt matter in the end. I think this part may be true. She seems to be really convinced that the kids are mine. She said she would have never bought the tests otherwise.


She at least strongly suspected the kids are not yours. Otherwise, she would not have been joking about that very subject with her friends. She knew she was "rolling the dice" when she bought the tests. DNA tests by the way are very good at proving the negative, although there can be false positives sometimes. You can and probably should repeat the test with a different testing company, but don't allow your stbxw to have anything to do with the test. Don't necessarily expect a different result however. If it is a lab error, it is due to getting either your sample or your kids sample mixed up with someone elses'. That could happen, although unlikely. Because the kids "look like you" you should repeat it.

Wife and I adopted my son anonymously almost 30 years ago. Recently, we sent in all of our DNA samples to 23 & Me and Ancestry. Interestingly, although I am not my son's biological father, it did show that he and I have a distant (~5th cousin) connection. My son does have many distant matches, but one first cousin popped up. We now know roughly what area of the country his biological relatives live in.

Goodhealth, I am very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I am totally at a loss here. Sometimes I just can't understand how people can betray the ones the supposedly love so cruelly.


----------



## Kamstel

Glad to read that others will be there for you in helping you get your stuff out of there. If possible have one of them have their phone out videoing when you are there if possible including when you leave. She is someone who will claim that you destroyed things at your old place or that you hit her


I know that it is very tempting but do NOT drink alcohol today. It WILL NOT help you
You can drink tomorrow but DONT get drunk

I


----------



## ShootMePlz!

Here’s a chart that can at least rule you out unless OM has same blood type.


----------



## BluesPower

Goodhealth said:


> Erc1 she says she only remembers his first name but her group went to the same places all the time. I guess he could have just been there the one time but it doesnt matter in the end. I think this part may be true. She seems to be really convinced that the kids are mine. She said she would have never bought the tests otherwise.


Listen did you read what you said? 

Look the odds of what she is saying being true are just zero. 

She is lying to you. She knows she is lying to you. She is putting on a show to try and keep you, you must understand that. 

These tests are almost, never ever wrong. You have been raising another mans children and she knew it or knew it was possible. 

Please don't believe this stuff...


----------



## TRy

Goodhealth said:


> Erc1 she says she only remembers his first name but her group went to the same places all the time. I guess he could have just been there the one time but it doesnt matter in the end. I think this part may be true. She seems to be really convinced that the kids are mine.


 If she had never cheated before, and it were really true that "She seems to be really convinced that the kids are" yours, she would not have been bragging to her friends about the children being the other man's kids now would she? 

You heard the VAR. When someone tells people who they are, you should believe them.


----------



## Beach123

Goodhealth said:


> I am here today my boss let me go home early. I haven’t done nothing stupid lately at least nothing as dumb as marrying the woman i did. No more getting married for me.
> 
> After a bunch of BS about the tests not being good and the lab not being good and us not trained to know what we were doing
> 
> She has admitted to a very drunk mistake but knows the guy used a condom and the kids look like me so they cant be his. She swears it was just the one time and she never saw him again. Doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m done 100% with the marriage.
> 
> My brother is letting me crash with him while i get stuff sorted out.
> 
> Wife has been trying everything to get me to talk to her and try to work it out today, but I have zero interest and am ignoring her today we will need to do an official test also but that will not be as fast.
> 
> 
> I do need to swing by to get more of my stuff, aside from that Hopefully everything else can be the lawyers only. My brother tried picking some stuff up for me early this morning but she wouldn’t let him in so ill have to do it.


She is such a huge liar!!!!!!

God, doesn't she know she's gonna go to that man for child support? She knows exactly who it is. 

When you go get stuff - take someone with you! 

And don't say one single thing to her - she will also try and manipulate you with sex... because that's what she does best!

What a terrible excuse for a woman!


----------



## Evinrude58

Geez,
DNA tests are so freaking accurate they are acceptable in court. They’re not yours.
You heard your wife boasting yo her friends that her patsy husband didn’t even Susie t they may not be his.
Your wife had an ex lover at her wedding, and duped you into taking a pic with the bastard—- and LAUGHED about it with your friends.
She should have had one person on her mind during her wedding day—- you. 

Stop letting your EXCEPTIONALLY rotten wife lie to you and for goodness sake, don’t say that “it may actually be true”. I would bet that every word out of her mouth to you is a half truth or outright lie.

You don’t have a wife who is a bad person. She is probably in the worst 2% of all women on the planet. What she has done to you should actually be criminal and I think doctors need to dna test babies to verify the father’s identity for this very reason, but also so the baby’s Dr. will know its ancestral traits in the future, should there be a need.

Stop seeing her as a person, and realize what a hideous monster she is inside.
If you can’t do better than her, something is wrong.

I’m shocked you believe anything that comes out of her mouth after this.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


The immaculate conception excuse. Right up there with I got it from the toilet seat and I only kissed him/her once. See your lawyer. Paternity fraud.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Goodhealth said:


> I am here today my boss let me go home early. I haven’t done nothing stupid lately at least nothing as dumb as marrying the woman i did. No more getting married for me.
> 
> After a bunch of BS about the tests not being good and the lab not being good and us not trained to know what we were doing
> 
> She has admitted to a very drunk mistake but knows the guy used a condom and the kids look like me so they cant be his. She swears it was just the one time and she never saw him again. Doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m done 100% with the marriage.
> 
> My brother is letting me crash with him while i get stuff sorted out.
> 
> Wife has been trying everything to get me to talk to her and try to work it out today, but I have zero interest and am ignoring her today we will need to do an official test also but that will not be as fast.
> 
> 
> I do need to swing by to get more of my stuff, aside from that Hopefully everything else can be the lawyers only. My brother tried picking some stuff up for me early this morning but she wouldn’t let him in so ill have to do it.


Ask a police officer to come along when you go get your stuff. Change your voice mail message to the tape of her insulting you behind your back. Just the highlights.


----------



## Beach123

In divorce papers - request reimbursement money based on fraud on her part! Ask for a huge amount based on emotional manipulation! Keep those recordings - she knew the kids weren't yours!


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Very soon she's going to realize that the situation is hopeless. Between the lies, the paternity fraud, and the laughs she had about it, she'll figure out that there's just no going back. And at that point, because of her complete lack of morals and character, she'll get very nasty about the "unfair" way in which you've treated her. She'll try every trick in the book to exact revenge against you. Be on your guard. Protect yourself at all costs.

Just looking back at your original post--she had the nerve to give you the silent treatment for 2 weeks after knowing that all your suspicions were correct. She is pure trash.


----------



## jlg07

Agree with all above. DO NOT believe the crap about a drunken 1 night stand. If it was true that she only had that ons since married, and "I know he used a condom" then how did she have someone else's kids? She DOES know exactly who the father is OR she had sex with so many other partners that she can't figure it out. I'm glad for you that you caught her on the var and finally found out what a POS you are married to. Sorry you are going through this.


----------



## just got it 55

Mercy

55


----------



## Kamstel

How did the move go?


----------



## Decorum

It was not one time.

He did not use protection.

She knows exactly who the father is.

She flirted with him and accepted drinks from him, so he would have a fling with her.

There have been other flings.

Does she have an old phone (computer, tablet, etc) lying around you can grab to pull off old text and numbers.

Maybe a burner phone in her car? Stop by her work and look through it, after you finish getting your stuff. Have a witness.

Also check your phone logs as far back as possible.

At the very least she knew the results MIGHT go this way. She is that manipulative.

It is very important that you say as little as possible right now. Be respectful, even have a kind disposition. It will go better with you all around, plus it will put her off balance. This is very important!

You will get through this, and we will be with you all the way as well.

Take care!


----------



## bandit.45

How is your family and in-laws taking the news about the twins?


----------



## Goodhealth

The move went well. She wasn’t there. I did have cellphone video taken of everything we took, mostly my clothes and tools. I left everything else.

She has been calling and texting me and my brother nonstop for the past hour or so. She’s home and sees that I took my stuff. She wasn’t expecting me in the middle of the day.

Her parents pay her cell bill as part of their family plan I cannot see her usage. She trades her old phones in so nothing for me to look at there either.

My parents are crushed. I have never heard my mother say such awful things and she cries every time she starts talking about it.

Her parents are convinced that it is a mistake and that I am not giving enough of a chance to prove it with a real test.

Her single friend texted me a bunch of crap about how awful I’m being for leaving the kids because they are too young and how my wife was taken advantage of by some predator. I told her to go get ****ed and leave me alone. 

I just want to get divorced as quick as we can.

Gotta go, my parents are coming over I’ll try to check in tomorrow


----------



## OutofRetirement

Again, I'm so sorry.

A lot of cheaters will try to manipulate. Go from angry, to crying, to apologizing, to trying to make you feel guilty, offer sex, etc., etc., etc. If one tack doesn't work, they move on to the next.

Also, you know this is probably the so-called tip of the iceberg. A tiny truth on the top, a lot more hidden beneath.

Also, your wife was not discreet. There are many cheaters who hide it from everyone, maybe confide in one close friend. She was open about it. She was flirting, dancing and grinding with guys, regularly for years. A lot of other people suspect what she was up to. Maybe even her parents. Sometimes it is a smaller world than you'd think. You and your parents would be the last one to be clued in. I guess you'll find out over the next few weeks. You'll know because people will let you know what they saw, and why they didn't say anything about it.

I'm just trying you to not get more blindsided than you've already been.

It sounds like your parents and brothers have your back now. That's good.


----------



## Decorum

Well, you can tell her parents, that "I understand how you feel, and that you have to support your daughter while trying to have the best possible circumstances for your grandchildren."

Say it in as kind and understanding a way as possible. Don't add a "but", i.e. "but I have too..."
Just say that and leave it at that, repeat it if necessary in the face of their objection/accusation/lecture. It will seem awkward, but that is the point of saying it.

It kindly points out their bias, and reminds them of their responsibility, while showing your boundaries. 

Your poor Mom how devastating, (of course for everyone).


----------



## Kamstel

As her friend the name of “the predator” so that she can go after him for child support, or if she was attacked by him, so she can FINALLY go to police and file charges against him


----------



## Kamstel

ASK her friend


----------



## sokillme

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


And she laughed about it behind your back. Your wife is a monster. You should tell the whole world.

When her parents said it was a mistake you should have played the tape of her laughing about it. She should be in jail.


----------



## Kamstel

Her parents don’t have to worry about “a real test”. The courts will order another set


Sent you a private message that you may want to read and consider.


I don’t have the words to describe how sorry I am for you. Just hang in there. You will survive and get out of this hell


----------



## SunnyT

Just a thought....in Tx, you have until they are age 4 to get your name off of their birth certificates. Ask your lawyer..... simple as filling out a form and sending it in.


----------



## Decorum

Btw from what I have read, being excluded from being the father is even more accurate than being "not excluded" as the father.

"With DNA paternity testing it is possible to 100% exclude someone as the biological father. However, the only way to produce a 100% positive result (i.e. that you are the father.), would be to test the entire genome of an individual - all of their DNA."

On another note, it is unbelievable how it goes from, "You go girl!!!" to "She was the victim of a predator". SMH.


----------



## Evinrude58

Predator? Ha.
The predator is the woman having her new husband pose with her old **** buddy on their wedding day and laughing it up with her “friends”,

The woman who knows no honor and has no shame about sticking her husband with her affair partner’s twins and further duping him into being their dad and mocking him for it with the same buds.

I wonder what she’ll do next to shame the OP?

She has had quite a repertoire of cool gags for him in the past. I’ll bet there’s a couple of more in her bag of tricks.

OP should heed the advise and be wary of her.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Decorum said:


> On another note, it is unbelievable how it goes from, "You go girl!!!" to "She was the victim of a predator". SMH.


This. Just shows how sick they all are. One big consensual funkfest until someone catches you. Then it's "rape."


----------



## BruceBanner

I don't know why so many men don't demand prenatal DNA testing of their wives as a requirement for getting married. We have tools that our ancestors would have have killed for yet we don't seem to use them to their full potential. Why is that?


----------



## Beach123

Because denial is alive and used often.

When any man wants to believe info - even when that info doesn't make sense - denial wins out because it's what a person chooses to believe... until evidence proves otherwise...even then - some can't process what is real and obvious.


----------



## seadoug105

Goodhealth said:


> Her single friend texted me a bunch of crap about how awful I’m being for leaving the kids because they are too young and how my wife was taken advantage of by some predator. I told her to go get ****ed and leave me alone.


Pretty stupid of her friends to bring any kind of attention to themselves after the DNA results..... it only validates all the information about them on the tape. I mean their husbands/BF should be all the more convinced that they are all lying cheating *****s.


----------



## Marc878

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


I would inform the other H's in that den of snakes. They could be unknowingly in the same boat as you.


----------



## Goodhealth

I didn’t get much sleep and had to work today so I dont feel the best right now. 

I have asked 2 of her friends who the guy is and they both give the same answer as my wife. The third friend has not responded to me and the other already gave me the same line of BS from my wife. I do not believe that she is telling me the truth.

My mother in law accused me and my family of making up lies when she was told that her daughter was going out on the weekends I was off and coming home late and drunk. Apparently, my wife is lying to her parents also. 

I’m really tired of the BS, drama and lies. I just want out of this mess. 

I have spoken to one of the husbands and the former BF of the group. They said they would see if they could get more information from their end. Not much else to say at this point.


----------



## Kamstel

You are doing great. eat something and have a bottle of water, then try to get some sleep. 

Force yourself not to have any mind movies. Concentrate on what you will be doing in 6, 9, and 12 months from now when this hell is all behind you


----------



## Kamstel

Why are you looking for info on the pos? 

That is not your issue! That is her problem when she has to find him for child support. 

What do you hope to accomplish by find out who he is ?


----------



## Kamstel

It does not matter what in laws say. Go no contact with them as well!


----------



## Beach123

The in laws will protect their child... so no use communicating with them at this point.


----------



## jlg07

You could alays play some choice cuts of the audio recording to her parents if it's that importent. Just make sure it's ok with your lawyer first. What a POS she and her toxic friend are.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> I didn’t get much sleep and had to work today so I dont feel the best right now.
> 
> I have asked 2 of her friends who the guy is and they both give the same answer as my wife. The third friend has not responded to me and the other already gave me the same line of BS from my wife. I do not believe that she is telling me the truth.
> 
> My mother in law accused me and my family of making up lies when she was told that her daughter was going out on the weekends I was off and coming home late and drunk. Apparently, my wife is lying to her parents also.
> 
> I’m really tired of the BS, drama and lies. I just want out of this mess.
> 
> I have spoken to one of the husbands and the former BF of the group. They said they would see if they could get more information from their end. Not much else to say at this point.


So she is acting like an entitled teenager and lying to her parents, no surprise there.

The queen mother will hear nothing else.

You know they are going to support their daughter, don't expect anything else.

It's all just background noise.
Fly at 50,000 feet and you will objectively navagate through this.


----------



## Marc878

Send your outlaws a copy of the DNA tests.


----------



## threelittlestars

VAR on you at all times if you are ever around her. Your protection. 

She is SO not ever going to be able to convince you to stay in the marriage now. Not a bloody chance so her only choice is throw you under the bus and she knows it. It is her only way. If you are a drunk then of course she found solace in this other dude. She is setting up a situation where you drove her to this. 

She is a very dangerous personality and you are not finished yet... I feel so much for the kids.


----------



## Beach123

Mail the inlaws the DNA results - send a note with it telling them she's been a party gal acting like she's single. Tell them not at your expense anymore.

Explain she never offered truth to the marriage and she needs professional help.

Cut her loose - they can be her support now.


----------



## Decorum

She will be a single mother with 3 kids, and a crap history.

I wonder if mon and dad will babysit so she can run around with her toxic friends.

She needs to be on birth control.


----------



## BruceBanner

Goodhealth said:


> I have asked 2 of her friends who the guy is and they both give the same answer as my wife. The third friend has not responded to me and the other already gave me the same line of BS from my wife. I do not believe that she is telling me the truth.



Whether or not they know why would you trust any of her friends to tell you the actual truth?


----------



## Goodhealth

I was hoping to be able to give the guys name to my lawyer. I thought that might help. I’d also like to know who he is and why she did this. I know that doesnt matter in the end. I think it might help me process everything though.

Bruce, I have no answer, her friends would lie to me without remorse or batting an eye. That is time wasted. I never heard back from the guys I spoke with.

I worked a lot today, but didn’t accomplish anything in my personal life. Maybe tomorrow!!

Wife is still sending me a bunch of crap that I can’t find the energy to read.


----------



## Kamstel

You are doing great! You are doing much better than 99% of us here!


I say post her texts here. Let us translate them for you. LOL


----------



## Goodhealth

I don’t feel like I’m doing better than anyone. I feel like crap 

I’m having real trouble ignoring her as I want to give her a piece of my mind. I think that would make me feel better. 

My brother doesn’t think posting texts is a good idea as she could use that to positively know it’s me. Besides her recent texts were photos and offers of sex followed accusations that I must be a closet gay when I did not take her up on her offer. 

Her mom keeps talking crap about me and my family also. I can’t keep letting that go. 

Unfortunately have to go to work in a bit but hope to have a plan to address it 

When I was getting my stuff and she wasn’t home. She was seeing a lawyer. That doesn’t fit with the texts she has been sending but none of this seems to make much sense.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Goodhealth said:


> I don’t feel like I’m doing better than anyone. I feel like crap
> 
> I’m having real trouble ignoring her as I want to give her a piece of my mind. I think that would make me feel better.
> 
> My brother doesn’t think posting texts is a good idea as she could use that to positively know it’s me. Besides her recent texts were photos and offers of sex *followed accusations that I must be a closet gay when I did not take her up on her offer.*


Yeah, good plan on her part. That'll make you want to come back. 



Goodhealth said:


> Her mom keeps talking crap about me and my family also. I can’t keep letting that go.


Oh, look, your MIL is part of the genius plan to draw you back in. Apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it?


----------



## oldtruck

Goodhealth said:


> I am here today my boss let me go home early. I haven’t done nothing stupid lately at least nothing as dumb as marrying the woman i did. No more getting married for me.
> 
> After a bunch of BS about the tests not being good and the lab not being good and us not trained to know what we were doing
> 
> She has admitted to a very drunk mistake but knows the guy used a condom and the kids look like me so they cant be his. She swears it was just the one time and she never saw him again. Doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m done 100% with the marriage.
> 
> My brother is letting me crash with him while i get stuff sorted out.
> 
> Wife has been trying everything to get me to talk to her and try to work it out today, but I have zero interest and am ignoring her today we will need to do an official test also but that will not be as fast.
> 
> 
> I do need to swing by to get more of my stuff, aside from that Hopefully everything else can be the lawyers only. My brother tried picking some stuff up for me early this morning but she wouldn’t let him in so ill have to do it.


Standard WW trickle truth. Throw out a few crumbs. Admitting to something minimum. It was a ONS.
I haven't seem him since then or know how to contact OM. Barf.


----------



## oldtruck

Goodhealth said:


> Erc1 she says she only remembers his first name but her group went to the same places all the time. I guess he could have just been there the one time but it doesnt matter in the end. I think this part may be true. She seems to be really convinced that the kids are mine. She said she would have never bought the tests otherwise.


Cheaters lie.
When caught cheaters continue to lie.


----------



## Taxman

She is in CYA mode for the most part. Send the following: You and your heinous friends were more than happy to laugh at me behind my back about the paternity of your children. Now that you are a proven liar and cheater, and my reaction is to remove you from my life, suddenly I am no longer a subject of derision, I have become a bastard who will not sleep with you and wants you, your friends and your family completely excised from my life. To that end, I am divorcing you and hope you find another sucker to support you. Good bye, and please all further communications will be conducted through our attorneys. 

I am fairly certain that she knows all too well who fathered her children. Let him support them.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

So... lets take a quick tally here to catch up.

1. She goes out with da garden tools every weekend, drunk and disheveled. you get suspicious.

2. upon suspicion, you decide to go detective and VAR reveals that she truly resents you and has no respect for you.

3. Some comments made were to the effect that your "children" may not even be yours. You decide to find out for yourself...

4. Test comes back that you suspicions were correct. And you were duped.

5. She continues to belittle you and threaten to take the kids away from you. But then goes schizophrenic , and starts promising crazy sex. You don't buy in. (Thank heavens!)

6. She says she wants to work things out but then goes bombastic yet again and calls you gay because you won't take her to bed.


....You will be sooo relieved when this chapter is over with. Stay strong and keep the lawyer in the loop. This is for YOUR protection. She could and will do even more CRAZY until this ends....


----------



## sokillme

Goodhealth said:


> I don’t feel like I’m doing better than anyone. I feel like crap
> 
> I’m having real trouble ignoring her as I want to give her a piece of my mind. I think that would make me feel better.
> 
> My brother doesn’t think posting texts is a good idea as she could use that to positively know it’s me. Besides her recent texts were photos and offers of sex followed accusations that I must be a closet gay when I did not take her up on her offer.
> 
> Her mom keeps talking crap about me and my family also. I can’t keep letting that go.
> 
> Unfortunately have to go to work in a bit but hope to have a plan to address it
> 
> When I was getting my stuff and she wasn’t home. She was seeing a lawyer. That doesn’t fit with the texts she has been sending but none of this seems to make much sense.


Dude the answer to why she did this is she is not a good person. She was raised by a person who is also a jerk it seems, though I wonder if her Mom knows the kid is not yours. If she does and she still insults you that's some next level ****. Why do people do bad things to other people, you can spend your life trying to figure that out (smarter people then us have), but in the end the best answer is because they want to. Hold that in your heart in the end of the day she wanted to do this to you. Use it to not want to answer her, to not give her closure, to not find any value in her. Then move on. She is trap that any interaction you have with her will end in pain. There is no light at the end of the tunnel if your path is towards her. Turn and go the other direction. She is cancer, your pain is your chemo, but every day in pain avoiding her is a day closer to healing. 

Finally have hope. She is not the only woman in the world. There are lots of others who you can have a good healthy relationship with.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

You're handling this well, staying above the fray and not dealing with the trashy people. I don't know what your MIL has been saying about you, but you might consider having your attorney write her a letter informing her that any misstatement of facts will be considered slander and may have legal consequences.


----------



## sokillme

BarbedFenceRider said:


> So... lets take a quick tally here to catch up.
> 
> 1. She goes out with da garden tools every weekend, drunk and disheveled. you get suspicious.
> 
> 2. upon suspicion, you decide to go detective and VAR reveals that she truly resents you and has no respect for you.
> 
> 3. Some comments made were to the effect that your "children" may not even be yours. You decide to find out for yourself...
> 
> 4. Test comes back that you suspicions were correct. And you were duped.
> 
> 5. She continues to belittle you and threaten to take the kids away from you. But then goes schizophrenic , and starts promising crazy sex. You don't buy in. (Thank heavens!)
> 
> 6. She says she wants to work things out but then goes bombastic yet again and calls you gay because you won't take her to bed.
> 
> 
> ....You will be sooo relieved when this chapter is over with. Stay strong and keep the lawyer in the loop. This is for YOUR protection. She could and will do even more CRAZY until this ends....


Read this post. This is who your wife is. Is this the person you want to feel bad about? She is not worth it. You throw away garbage you don't cry about it.


----------



## stro

Her words and the words of her family mean NOTHING. The purpose of these words are to draw you offsides so they can say YOU are the crazy one.

“Talking crap” as you put it is immature and low life behavior. Stay above it. Ignore them. Your communication with your wife needs to be concise and to the point strictly involving logistics of this separation, if you even need to talk at all. Filter out all the rest of the BS. It’s what your lawyer would also advise.


----------



## Beach123

True version of sex being used as a weapon... she doesn't understand how life could be if she didn't do things that way.

She's empty inside. She's broken and twisted. She's desperate to use you again... all good reasons to stay far far away from her!

She has no idea what sex and intimacy are.


----------



## Taxman

My suggestion is that she and her family and her GF's will be saying that you walked out on YOUR KIDS. Make sure that everyone in your sphere knows that a) they were not your children and b) she is a grifter and con artist and palmed the kids off on you. You were the unpaid babysitter and support of the product of her infidelity. May she have to learn to support them on her own ass and not yours.


----------



## Kamstel

I’m thinking she will learn to support her children not on her ass, but on her back


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> I don’t feel like I’m doing better than anyone. I feel like crap
> 
> I’m having real trouble ignoring her as I want to give her a piece of my mind. I think that would make me feel better.
> 
> My brother doesn’t think posting texts is a good idea as she could use that to positively know it’s me. Besides her recent texts were photos and offers of sex followed accusations that I must be a closet gay when I did not take her up on her offer.
> 
> Her mom keeps talking crap about me and my family also. I can’t keep letting that go.
> 
> Unfortunately have to go to work in a bit but hope to have a plan to address it
> 
> When I was getting my stuff and she wasn’t home. She was seeing a lawyer. That doesn’t fit with the texts she has been sending but none of this seems to make much sense.


Tell her that trying to sweet talk you is a waist of time, ha ha ha.

Say that she is a **** wife, who treated you like crap in a fake marriage.

Seriously, dont respond, and definately dont document anything to her in text.

As far as MIL the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> Besides her recent texts were photos and offers of sex followed accusations that I must be a closet gay when I did not take her up on her offer.
> 
> Her mom keeps talking crap about me and my family also. I can’t keep letting that go.
> 
> 
> 
> When I was getting my stuff and she wasn’t home. She was seeing a lawyer. That doesn’t fit with the texts she has been sending but none of this seems to make much sense.


She is insulted you turned her down, sexing you use to work, now she has no control over you. She is trying to get you engaged.

In some states having sex after revelations of adultery removes it as a cause for divorce.

Perhaps it might have bearing on your paternity issue.

You should apprise your lawyer when you can, and dont get dragged into a text war with her, or her friends.

She saw a lawyer because she is playing both sides.

Guess what, she IS a player.

Who is her mom saying that stuff to?
How are you finding out?

Are you in a state that allows you to record phone calls?

Your lawyer can name her AP, or her friends in a suit, or you divorce suit if need be.


----------



## Marc878

Goodhealth said:


> I don’t feel like I’m doing better than anyone. I feel like crap
> 
> I’m having real trouble ignoring her as I want to give her a piece of my mind. I think that would make me feel better.
> 
> My brother doesn’t think posting texts is a good idea as she could use that to positively know it’s me. Besides her recent texts were photos and offers of sex followed accusations that I must be a closet gay when I did not take her up on her offer.
> 
> *Her mom keeps talking crap about me and my family also. I can’t keep letting that go*.
> 
> Unfortunately have to go to work in a bit but hope to have a plan to address it
> 
> When I was getting my stuff and she wasn’t home. She was seeing a lawyer. That doesn’t fit with the texts she has been sending but none of this seems to make much sense.


you can't stop them from doing anything. You can't win against that. Better wake up to reality. I'd get a undisputed DNA test and file. If you live in a fault state adultery would be a slam dunk.


----------



## Kamstel

Texas has BOTH fault and no fault. He can file for adultery!!!


----------



## Tron

The OP should be sitting pretty well in the D.

Adultery could have an impact on the distribution of community assets but it doesn't sound like you guys have much of those. 

Your marriage wasn't long enough for her to obtain any spousal support in Texas, so you are good there.

Only real issue is the child support. Until you prove the kids aren't yours you will be on the hook for that as the presumed father. The paternity test is going to kick her *** though. 

My guess is your wife didn't enjoy her meeting with the lawyer. She is in quite a pickle. Sucks to be her.


----------



## Kamstel

Doesn’t you heart just bleed for the poor little sl_t ?
BaaaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaa

All she can really do is delay the retesting of the DNA, but the court will ultimately order.


I hope the f_cking she got was worth the f_cking she’s about to get!


----------



## Taxman

The DNA will have to retested for evidentiary purposes. If this is an “at fault” state,then it follows that the DNA test will be prima facie evidence of infidelity.


----------



## OutofRetirement

Goodhealth said:


> When I was getting my stuff and she wasn’t home. She was seeing a lawyer. That doesn’t fit with the texts she has been sending but none of this seems to make much sense.


I understand why you think it doesn't make any sense, and maybe it doesn't, but it is very predictable. Your wife doesn't love you the way you traditionally think of "love" means. I don't believe she ever had the same definition of "love" as you do. You find it hard to believe, because she was able to say and act very convincingly around you, but now knowing that she lied about her lover at the wedding, and knowing how she talks behind your back, you must re-evaluate with how she was able to act loving to your face and so cruel behind your back. I don't think very many people could act so convincingly for so long. I would posit that only a sociopath could do it.

So it is easier for her to lie. She's been doing it a long time. You suspected, but what you discovered was way worse than your suspicions.

You look at her mother's behavior, and it even more falls into place. The fact that your wife's mother wouldn't have a civil conversation, try to hear out your assertions, then show why it couldn't be, gently, tells a lot. That's what "normal" people do, they understand that a guy who always was "normal" wouldn't just make stuff up. Maybe he'd be mistaken, but he wouldn't do so lightly. So you'd want to talk to that guy, find out why, ask for and look at his evidence, and then see how you could convince him why it's not true. But to just attack right off the bat?

All I can say is that it's very unlikely your wife learned her behaviors by herself. I'm not saying great parents can't have kids who make mistakes in judgement, and do some wrongs. I'm saying your wife's behavior is more of a long-term pattern, apparently since at least before you tied the knot. That type of long-term behaviors usually come from childhood. I'm no expert, that's for sure. But I have my own experiences, and I have seen what I've seen. And that's what I think.

How does that apply to you? Just be careful. There's really no upside to talking to your wife. Let's say that your wife had sex with a guy in the bar, didn't even know for sure his name. She went to the bar with her friends, she enjoyed the attention, she drank too much, with increase in alcohol in the bloodstream comes decrease in judgement and increase in libido, and she was in the habit of banging guys in the parking lot now and then. Her friends thought it funny, and your wife likes admiration, from guys, from her friends. She's kind of a hero with that toxic group's values - cheating and getting away with it is admired from them. So not only does your wife do that now and then, but she enjoys basking in the admiration afterwards.

I believe the recording, "who is the father, the one you danced sexy with?" I think your wife did that, had sex with that guy, and after the fact, she got pregnant. Probably she told them the kids were yours, but they probably joked with her because they knew what she had done. And they couldn't be sure who the father was, any more than your wife. As bad as that is, that's the most generous for your wife version of that story. It is possible your wife knew, or strongly suspected, the paternity, and she confided in one or more of her friends.

I suggest just steering clear of her. Let the legal system do it. As tempting as it might be to tell off your wife, her friends, her mother, you will not get any satisfaction. You will run down why they are evil and cruel, and all they'll do is turn it back on you. Truth is not the issue for them, getting their way is the issue, regardless of truth, regardless of justice. They just want what they want. You at least have seen that from your wife recently, pics, offers of sex, calling you gay, and going to a lawyer. She's working every avenue to "win" in the end.

Get your appointment with your attorney, and let your wife's lawyer deal with yours. She figures she can gaslight you and trick you, she knows she won't be able to throw out such ridiculous statements with your attorney.


----------



## Rob_1

OP, @OutofRetirement advice is spot-on.


----------



## Beach123

Everything she could/may say is a lie.

Don't respond to anything. Have your attorney handle any and all communication from here moving forward.

It will be worth the money just to cut out her lies.


----------



## Goodhealth

I appreciate all the feedback. 

I was asked who my wife’s mom was talking crap to. 

The 2 i know of directly would be the pastor at my church and the manager at my second job. My wife’s parents got me my second job based on someone they knew, the manager. I work there part time and honestly would like to quit now and go down to one job. I work every other weekend and some evenings and an occasional holiday at the second job. My manager there called me in and asked me what was going on he said my wife’s mother called him to say I walked out on my wife and kids because my wife got taken advantage of. Same story was told to my pastor. Pastor called and wants to see me. I don’t understand involving the pastor. he knows that my wife doesn’t come to church with me when i take the kids on the Sunday I’m off. She’ll have a hard time explaining that one!

To hear my manager tell the story, he was left thinking that someone must have spiked her drink or something like that. No way that happened and she continued going out every weekend she could.

This is the weekend I have to work so at least that will keep me busy I guess. 

My wife could get full time work and if she can get child support from the guy she could be OK financially I think. 

We don’t have much money or property or investment type stuff to speak of. We do not have a business or anything like that either. Splitting our stuff will not be to complicated I hope.


I really did think the kids were mine and they do look like me which I cannot explain. Obviously, i want to get the official test done as soon as I can. My wife still insists that kids must be mine.


----------



## Beach123

Goodhealth said:


> I appreciate all the feedback.
> 
> I was asked who my wife’s mom was talking crap to.
> 
> The 2 i know of directly would be the pastor at my church and the manager at my second job. My wife’s parents got me my second job based on someone they knew, the manager. I work there part time and honestly would like to quit now and go down to one job. I work every other weekend and some evenings and an occasional holiday at the second job. My manager there called me in and asked me what was going on he said my wife’s mother called him to say I walked out on my wife and kids because my wife got taken advantage of. Same story was told to my pastor. Pastor called and wants to see me. I don’t understand involving the pastor. he knows that my wife doesn’t come to church with me when i take the kids on the Sunday I’m off. She’ll have a hard time explaining that one!
> 
> To hear my manager tell the story, he was left thinking that someone must have spiked her drink or something like that. No way that happened and she continued going out every weekend she could.
> 
> This is the weekend I have to work so at least that will keep me busy I guess.
> 
> My wife could get full time work and if she can get child support from the guy she could be OK financially I think.
> 
> We don’t have much money or property or investment type stuff to speak of. We do not have a business or anything like that either. Splitting our stuff will not be to complicated I hope.
> 
> 
> I really did think the kids were mine and they do look like me which I cannot explain. Obviously, i want to get the official test done as soon as I can. My wife still insists that kids must be mine.


Why don't you give her the second job you have?

You shouldn't have to work two jobs to support her and the kids - she can work to do that.

Did you file divorce papers yet?


Call the MIL and tell her if she doesn't stop spreading lies you're going to file a defamation of character lawsuit against her. Sheez, she's an idiot - why wouldn't she just keep her mouth shut?


----------



## sokillme

Goodhealth said:


> I appreciate all the feedback.
> 
> I was asked who my wife’s mom was talking crap to.
> 
> The 2 i know of directly would be the pastor at my church and the manager at my second job. My wife’s parents got me my second job based on someone they knew, the manager. I work there part time and honestly would like to quit now and go down to one job. I work every other weekend and some evenings and an occasional holiday at the second job. My manager there called me in and asked me what was going on he said my wife’s mother called him to say I walked out on my wife and kids because my wife got taken advantage of. Same story was told to my pastor. Pastor called and wants to see me. I don’t understand involving the pastor. he knows that my wife doesn’t come to church with me when i take the kids on the Sunday I’m off.  She’ll have a hard time explaining that one!
> 
> To hear my manager tell the story, he was left thinking that someone must have spiked her drink or something like that. No way that happened and she continued going out every weekend she could.
> 
> This is the weekend I have to work so at least that will keep me busy I guess.
> 
> My wife could get full time work and if she can get child support from the guy she could be OK financially I think.
> 
> We don’t have much money or property or investment type stuff to speak of. We do not have a business or anything like that either. Splitting our stuff will not be to complicated I hope.
> 
> 
> I really did think the kids were mine and they do look like me which I cannot explain. Obviously, i want to get the official test done as soon as I can. My wife still insists that kids must be mine.


You need to give up on your wife. She is a trap. I wonder who her father was. I suspect she has been taught some very wrong things about Men from her awful mother. I am sure that made it easier to treat you in such a way. She probably sees men as less then human, or evil and to be used for her own advantage. Something twisted. 

Besides that just tell everyone the truth. Make sure to mention that up until the day you found out it was a common joke that you were not the father of her kids. How her lover was at your wedding. How your wife is twisted and evil. Carry a VR with you when you are in the presence of her family. They really are dangerous. 

This is serious stuff now. SERIOUS. You are not safe around her.


----------



## Andy1001

Goodhealth said:


> I appreciate all the feedback.
> 
> I was asked who my wife’s mom was talking crap to.
> 
> The 2 i know of directly would be the pastor at my church and the manager at my second job. My wife’s parents got me my second job based on someone they knew, the manager. I work there part time and honestly would like to quit now and go down to one job. I work every other weekend and some evenings and an occasional holiday at the second job. My manager there called me in and asked me what was going on he said my wife’s mother called him to say I walked out on my wife and kids because my wife got taken advantage of. Same story was told to my pastor. Pastor called and wants to see me. I don’t understand involving the pastor. he knows that my wife doesn’t come to church with me when i take the kids on the Sunday I’m off. She’ll have a hard time explaining that one!
> 
> To hear my manager tell the story, he was left thinking that someone must have spiked her drink or something like that. No way that happened and she continued going out every weekend she could.
> 
> This is the weekend I have to work so at least that will keep me busy I guess.
> 
> My wife could get full time work and if she can get child support from the guy she could be OK financially I think.
> 
> We don’t have much money or property or investment type stuff to speak of. We do not have a business or anything like that either. Splitting our stuff will not be to complicated I hope.
> 
> 
> I really did think the kids were mine and they do look like me which I cannot explain. Obviously, i want to get the official test done as soon as I can. My wife still insists that kids must be mine.


There is a reason that the children resemble you.
Your wife is attracted to a certain type of man,chances are her boyfriend looks like you.
It’s nothing more than that.
Good luck to you and I really wish you well in the future.


----------



## OutofRetirement

I don't want to get your hopes up, but yes, you need a second test by a doctor, not by a kit. It's too important not to.

But look, you know a lot already. First you just suspected, then you found out she had sex with another guy and the guy might be the father (which she said was just a "joke" to impress her friends (???)), she denied never having had sex with anyone else, and now everyone already knows she had sex, but she was taken advantage of (but kept partying hardy every week where she had been violated, and the conversation you overheard showed no such inkling of that.

This is important to you personally, but beyond that, it's just mostly legal maneuverings now.

Also, you've made zero posting that your wife and her mother and the pastor and her toxic friends and your manager at your second job, not a single one of them have even mentioned wanting a second test, nevermind wanting the second test done urgently ASAP. Adding no apparent desire to retest, and the "predator" "taking advantage" of your wife, I think you must assume you've already got the answer on that result.

And you know all of the toxic friends' husbands and boyfriends - they're worthless, too. Stick with your brother and your mother, stay away from those other ostriches. You sound like a stand-up guy surrounded by a bunch of dish rags. When you're all clear of this jetsam, become more intentional in who you are social with. That whole lot of them has had to be draining your life force from you for years. Do these guys take on two or three jobs to support anyone? I bet you're all alone in that group of driftwood. Your life is going to be a lot better in a year or so. You're going to feel a lot better. Like you could breathe again.


----------



## Taxman

Sir, she saw a lawyer to ensure your continued financial support. Even though you are not the biological father, there have been cases of men forced to support children they did not father. I need you to have this discussion with an attorney. This is where men get extorted by lower than scum families of their ex. Your STBX gives every indication of being that kind of trash. You will need a defence against this. The rewritten history of her ONS so to speak, is evidence of her attempting to reframe her crime. This could be used against you. On the bright side, now that you know that you have no ties to this woman, you may want to relocate and get as far away from these heinous people.


----------



## personofinterest

I have forgotten. How old are your kids?


----------



## Marc878

Your name is on the kids birth certificate. Legally right now they are yours and your responsibly.

You'd better get a damn good attorney or you will get stuck for child support. Life isn't fair. You have to fight for it. I guarantee your low life wife will.

Better wake up here


----------



## arbitrator

*Late to the party as usual, but Ol' Arb's money is on the fact that she's likely received "pelvic massages" from guys other than you!

Proceed with an attorney's visit ASAP!*


----------



## BruceBanner

Andy1001 said:


> There is a reason that the children resemble you.
> Your wife is attracted to a certain type of man,chances are her boyfriend looks like you.
> It’s nothing more than that.
> Good luck to you and I really wish you well in the future.


I disagree. I think she cheated on him with someone with similar features because if she got pregnant by him her husband would be less likely to suspect they weren't his kids since they would be likely to come out with features similar to his. If GoodHealth hadn't heard his wife joking about her kids having a different father then GoodHealth likely wouldn't have suspected a thing.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

BruceBanner said:


> I disagree. I think she cheated on him with someone with similar features because if she got pregnant by him her husband would be less likely to suspect they weren't his kids...


I really don't think she intentionally went out with the goal of becoming pregnant by another man. I think she is just a no-values party girl who would sleep with anything she found attractive, and be too irresponsible to take precautions. The idea that she planned this whole paternity thing is hard to swallow.

The sick part is that she _knew_ all along that there was a chance that the other man might be the father. Instead of feeling shame or fear, she joked about it with her friends.


----------



## OnTheFly

Tatsuhiko said:


> I really don't think she intentionally went out with the goal of becoming pregnant by another man. I think she is just a no-values party girl who would sleep with anything she found attractive, and be too irresponsible to take precautions. The idea that she planned this whole paternity thing is hard to swallow.
> 
> The sick part is that she _knew_ all along that there was a chance that the other man might be the father. Instead of feeling shame or fear, she joked about it with her friends.


Agreed, this thread reminds me of the thread by OldShirt about the pro-adultery forum. She would fit in perfectly there.


----------



## Marc878

Your pastor is probably a "save the marriage at all cost" type. Most of these people have no knowledge of dealing with Infidelty. Beware


----------



## bandit.45

A ho’s gonna ho....


----------



## personofinterest

Marc878 said:


> Your pastor is probably a "save the marriage at all cost" type. Most of these people have no knowledge of dealing with Infidelty. Beware


Pastors like this disgust me.


----------



## TDSC60

The pastor will preach forgiveness.

Tell him you may eventually forgive her, but that does not mean you can be married to her.

In the bible, adultery is recognized reason to end a marriage.


----------



## Kamstel

The preacher is also going to pull out the “think about the poor children” card. “What will happen to them?”

Tell him that you are sure that their mother and father will take care of them, AND that someday you hope to have kids of your own.


Read MATHEW, chapter 5, verse 31

Divorce is ok for infidelity


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Andy1001 said:


> There is a reason that the children resemble you.
> Your wife is attracted to a certain type of man,chances are her boyfriend looks like you.
> It’s nothing more than that.
> Good luck to you and I really wish you well in the future.


BINGO
@Goodhealth , 

Have your lawyer draw up a cease and desist order for your monster in law.


----------



## BruceBanner

Tatsuhiko said:


> I really don't think she intentionally went out with the goal of becoming pregnant by another man. I think she is just a no-values party girl who would sleep with anything she found attractive, and be too irresponsible to take precautions. The idea that she planned this whole paternity thing is hard to swallow.
> 
> The sick part is that she _knew_ all along that there was a chance that the other man might be the father. Instead of feeling shame or fear, she joked about it with her friends.


It's not hard to swallow at all. Cheating can be fetishized. How can you find the idea of her planning this whole paternity thing hard to swallow when she even joked about it with her friends? She obviously got some kind of high out of doing this.


----------



## Taxman

Truth be told, her friends knew and were complicit in fleecing you. That is complicity in a crime. It may be possible to turn one of these disgusting people, possibly to hold criminal proceedings as a trump card, so that you can deep six child support. These folks conspired with your wife in swindling you. Take this thought to your lawyer.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth, it often feels in these threads that the op (you) is not moving fast enough to protect himself.

That feeling isnt necessarily true. That said, I hate that your stbxw and mil are controling the narrative. 

Often though when the dust settles it's obvious what really happened.

Do what you got to do.

I am hoping for the best for you.


----------



## Beach123

I'm wondering if the courts would consider fraud? Mainly because she misrepresented the kids as yours... and subsequently had you supporting them under false pretenses.

Certainly she owes you those years financially that you supported them thinking they were yours.


Wonder how she'd feel if she had to pay you back? At the very least - best to have it stated in court papers (public info) so anyone she attempted to marry in her future could reference her (lack of) character.


----------



## personofinterest

I am assuming that if a second DNA test confirms the children are not genetically yours, you will be moving on from them, correct?


----------



## Goodhealth

I met with the pastor. He wants me to wait on filing. I was planning to do that Monday. He wants me to get the official dna test done first. He wants me to try counseling with her first. He didn’t know that she was going out and getting drunk every weekend I was off. He did notice she wasn’t with us in church when I brought the kids. I told him what I heard on the recorder and he thinks we can work through it in counseling. 

My wife is sticking to her story and insists the kids are mine and that it is a mistake.

I read a post this morning before I left for work that I had not thought about. It is possible that the other guy looks like me. That idea has been running around in my head all day. 
I have to work again tomorrow and still feel lousy. I’m going to try going to bed earlier tonight. 

I got the results from the kit back in about a week.

Does anyone know how long it takes to get the official test results back? Is it longer than a week?


----------



## personofinterest

Your pastor is wrong.


----------



## Marc878

Goodhealth said:


> I met with the pastor. He wants me to wait on filing. I was planning to do that Monday. He wants me to get the official dna test done first. He wants me to try counseling with her first. He didn’t know that she was going out and getting drunk every weekend I was off. He did notice she wasn’t with us in church when I brought the kids. I told him what I heard on the recorder and he thinks we can work through it in counseling.
> 
> Hahahaha you were warned. He's a doormat save the marriage at all cost type. He has no skin in this. You are wasting your time. Counseling to raise kids from your wifes affair? Good god almighty!!!!
> 
> My wife is sticking to her story and insists the kids are mine and that it is a mistake.
> 
> Get an official DNA test. Cheaters lie a lot.
> 
> I read a post this morning before I left for work that I had not thought about. It is possible that the other guy looks like me. That idea has been running around in my head all day.
> I have to work again tomorrow and still feel lousy. I’m going to try going to bed earlier tonight.
> 
> I got the results from the kit back in about a week.
> 
> Does anyone know how long it takes to get the official test results back? Is it longer than a week?


Stay no contact. Nix the stupid pastor.


----------



## sokillme

Goodhealth said:


> I met with the pastor. He wants me to wait on filing. I was planning to do that Monday. He wants me to get the official dna test done first. He wants me to try counseling with her first. He didn’t know that she was going out and getting drunk every weekend I was off. He did notice she wasn’t with us in church when I brought the kids. I told him what I heard on the recorder and he thinks we can work through it in counseling.
> 
> My wife is sticking to her story and insists the kids are mine and that it is a mistake.
> 
> I read a post this morning before I left for work that I had not thought about. It is possible that the other guy looks like me. That idea has been running around in my head all day.
> I have to work again tomorrow and still feel lousy. I’m going to try going to bed earlier tonight.
> 
> I got the results from the kit back in about a week.
> 
> Does anyone know how long it takes to get the official test results back? Is it longer than a week?


Oh the hell why?? What would be the point really, how could you ever trust her again? First of all you have biblical right to divorce your wife. Besides that the bible is very clear that an adulterous women is death. That's a quote. Forgive her yes, waste your life on someone who doesn't respect you in the least. NO! You have no reason to be a martyr for this women. None. Just to make the pastor feel good. Your pastor is terribly naive when it comes to someone like your wife. And you staying together is more about him feeling good then what's good for you. Have your pastor marry her if he wants and then she can laugh behind his back about the paternity of his children. He wouldn't. 

Is he going to be he counselor? You couldn't make a worse mistake. Pastors are good at sermons not being marriage counselors. 

Here is all you need to know under the old testament law God hates divorce but permitted divorce. He commanded stoning to death those who commit adultery. The bible verse that is often quoted as to the reason why you shouldn't divorce was said by Jesus under the old law. In the old law your wife would be stoned to death. There would be no chance of you staying married because she would be dead. So Jesus doesn't even mention such a hypothetical because there was NO possibility of one. You wouldn't even have to divorce your wife during Jesus' time because she would be dead and then you would have been a widower. Again why it's not even mentioned as a hypothetical. 

Don't be foolish, divorce your wife. Divorce her quickly and move on with your life. Your life will thank you for it. If the kids are yours you can co-parent. None of it will be your responsibility, only your cheating wife's. You will have a much better life if you do.


----------



## Goose54

If you’re going to listen to a counselor, find an IC who specializes in infidelity, your pastor has no clue. Follow your plan! Get off the Birth Certificate, lest you pay CS for another man’s children.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth,

In addition to a career in manufacturing, I have worked in leadership positions in Christian churches, and organizations spanning several denominations. 

While the pay is lower, I have met many wonderful pastors and Christian leaders over the years. I turned 60 this year and feel like I have a pretty good grasp of how infidelity is handled in most cases. I have seen it in leadership, and membership.

My experience is that to many pastors (who are good men), are woefully unprepared to deal with the realities of infidelity.

I honestly think TAM should be a 6 month required reading class in every seminary and Bible school.

Within the larger context of scripture, TAM is in amazing agreement, regarding what is necessary and helpful.

Infidelity is unlike any other problem in a marriage. Trying to deal with it as you would other issues, just makes a mess of it.

If you pay attention and in general most marriage counselling in a biblical context moves through, accountability, responsibility, understanding/sympathy, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

This may be ok when the WS is truly remorseful going in.

That is NOT the case with your wife, and when they see her desperation, fear, regret they will likely call that remorse, and it will be incumbent upon you to accept that or become the bad guy.

I think it is a big mistake to put yourself in that situation.

Here is what I would do, because you should not be rushed into this, delay it by asking to meet with the pastor individually, and even that your stbxw do the same.

There is only one reason to push you into marriage counseling now, (premature) reconciliation.
It's just a pastoral mindset, and it's unfortunate in cases like these.

We can give you more guidance if you get to that point.

One last thing. You should make a request of your pastor, and if he is a man of integrity he will feel obliged to do this.

He has heard your side of the story, and confronted you based on her testimony, ask, “will you go to MIL and tell her that you (the pastor) understand that Goodhealth in in possession of some evidence that shows that “your daughter" actively conspired to mislead GH as to the paternity of the twins, and mocked him and laughed at him behind his back, for raising another man offspring". “Based on this Ms. MIL there are two sides to this, and the rumors you are spreading are unfounded, and I want you to stop spreading them.”

If you pastor will not do this I would tell him that as far as you are concerned he has taken sides without understanding all the facts. In that he will confront you but not her.

That being the case (if he declines) tell him you can no longer trust his leadership.
Than wash your hands of that church.


----------



## TDSC60

Having an official DNA test(what ever that means) that you are not the biological father might help in divorce. So maybe the pastor is right about that. But any type of counselling at this point is a hard NO.

I hope you informed him about her partying every chance she gets and the admitted drunken sex with another man.


----------



## TheGoodGuy

Decorum said:


> Goodhealth,
> 
> In addition to a career in manufacturing, I have worked in leadership positions in Christian churches, and organizations spanning several denominations.
> 
> While the pay is lower, I have met many wonderful pastors and Christian leaders over the years. I turned 60 this year and feel like I have a pretty good grasp of how infidelity is handled in most cases. I have seen it in leadership, and membership.
> 
> My experience is that to many pastors (who are good men), are woefully unprepared to deal with the realities of infidelity.
> 
> I honestly think TAM should be a 6 month required reading class in every seminary and Bible school.
> 
> Within the larger context of scripture, TAM is in amazing agreement, regarding what is necessary and helpful.
> 
> Infidelity is unlike any other problem in a marriage. Trying to deal with it as you would other issues, just makes a mess of it.
> 
> If you pay attention and in general most marriage counselling in a biblical context moves through, accountability, responsibility, understanding/sympathy, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
> 
> This may be ok when the WS is truly remorseful going in.
> 
> That is NOT the case with your wife, and when they see her desperation, fear, regret they will likely call that remorse, and it will be incumbent upon you to accept that or become the bad guy.
> 
> I think it is a big mistake to put yourself in that situation.
> 
> Here is what I would do, because you should not be rushed into this, delay it by asking to meet with the pastor individually, and even that your stbxw do the same.
> 
> There is only one reason to push you into marriage counseling now, (premature) reconciliation.
> It's just a pastoral mindset, and it's unfortunate in cases like these.
> 
> We can give you more guidance if you get to that point.
> 
> One last thing. You should make a request of your pastor, and if he is a man of integrity he will feel obliged to do this.
> 
> He has heard your side of the story, and confronted you based on her testimony, ask, “will you go to MIL and tell her that you (the pastor) understand that Goodhealth in in possession of some evidence that shows that “your daughter" actively conspired to mislead GH as to the paternity of the twins, and mocked him and laughed at him behind his back, for raising another man offspring". “Based on this Ms. MIL there are two sides to this, and the rumors you are spreading are unfounded, and I want you to stop spreading them.”
> 
> If you pastor will not do this I would tell him that as far as you are concerned he has taken sides without understanding all the facts. In that he will confront you but not her.
> 
> That being the case (if he declines) tell him you can no longer trust his leadership.
> Than wash your hands of that church.


GH, reread this over and over.


----------



## personofinterest

Other than the bizarrely and inaccurately misunderstood and misquoted scripture, I completely agree you have Biblical grounds for divorce.

Stick to your guns.


----------



## Decorum

I will submit this for consideration to you, and the rest of our TAM friends.

Ask to meet with the pastor, ask if it is confidential.

Once you are in the meet up.
Tell him you dont feel he can really understand how you feel unless he can see it from your perspective.

Play the tape. Dont ask him, just pull out your phone and play it for him.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> Other than the bizarrely and inaccurately misunderstood and misquoted scripture, I completely agree you have Biblical grounds for divorce.
> 
> Stick to your guns.


Sorry to get all preachy on here but I feel I am being called out. 

Leviticus 20-10.htm

Was this not the law Jesus was living under when the often quoted Matthew 19 was said? Under that context why would he even address reconciliation from adultery as there was NO potential for it. If fact the command prevents the possibly as both those who committed adultery were to be put to death. Notice it doesn't say depending on what the cheated on spouse says. Seems pretty obvious in the old testament God didn't want reconciliation. Wonder why that is? Probably has something to do with human nature and once a cheater always a cheater, I would guess. Because of this fact I don't think the Christian position should be pro reconciliation at all. God doesn't seem to be. For the longest time he wasn't even for the adulterer living. Pro forgiveness, yes, pro reconciliation, not so much. At best he is neutral. All you have to do is read SI to figure out why. 

This is what Christians get SO wrong. There is never been a time EVER where God expected anyone to stay in a marriage where there was adultery, and in the old testament God specific command made it impossible. Which is why it seem so stupid that most Christians are pro reconciliation at all cost. They should be like, your cheating spouse is forgiven and not stoned, but from looking at the scripture even God doesn't think R is the best bet as he didn't even allowed the possibility until the new law. Instead they shame the poor victim and ridiculously combined forgiveness with having to stay in the marriage, when one thing has nothing to do with the other. It's very wrong. They should at least be neutral like the new testament seems to be.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> My wife is sticking to her story and insists the kids are mine and that it is a mistake.


Because the guy wore a condom right?

So much for her being the victim of a predator.

Ask her if she put the condom on for him.

You know what comes after the next test, probably more denial or "maybe the condom broke".

The next test will happen, and well it should, but tell her you will take her to have a polygraph, as a condition for counseling, and not filing now!


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Goodhealth said:


> I* met with the pastor. He wants me to wait on filing. I was planning to do that Monday. He wants me to get the official dna test done first. He wants me to try counseling with her first. He didn’t know that she was going out and getting drunk every weekend I was off. He did notice she wasn’t with us in church when I brought the kids. I told him what I heard on the recorder and he thinks we can work through it in counseling. *
> 
> 
> Good advice to retest. Counseling? Even if they are not yours? That is very beautiful forgiving advice. Very Christian, very religious. he is a pastor, I get that.
> 
> But, you as a human being are not under any moral or ethical obligation to raise children that you believed were you own and later you find out are not. However you may be under a legal obligation depending on which state you live in USA for example.
> 
> *My wife is sticking to her story and insists the kids are mine and that it is a mistake.*
> 
> Then why did she brag they were not? When the second test fails then what?
> *
> I read a post this morning before I left for work that I had not thought about. It is possible that the other guy looks like me. That idea has been running around in my head all day.
> I have to work again tomorrow and still feel lousy. I’m going to try going to bed earlier tonight. *
> 
> That is irrelevant.
> 
> *I got the results from the kit back in about a week.
> 
> Does anyone know how long it takes to get the official test results back? Is it longer than a week?
> *
> No idea. Stay strong, sorry you are here.


----------



## Decorum

Double post.


----------



## Decorum

You know what comes after the next test, probably more denial or "maybe the condom broke".

The next test will happen, and well it should, but tell her you will take her to have a polygraph, as a condition for counseling, and not filing now!

It needs to happen before counceling. The pastor will never get the truth from her, and you will put yourself under their moral oblagation.

Be firm on this!!!

Of course she can bring someone for support.


----------



## Andy1001

Goodhealth said:


> I met with the pastor. He wants me to wait on filing. I was planning to do that Monday. He wants me to get the official dna test done first. He wants me to try counseling with her first. He didn’t know that she was going out and getting drunk every weekend I was off. He did notice she wasn’t with us in church when I brought the kids. I told him what I heard on the recorder and he thinks we can work through it in counseling.
> 
> My wife is sticking to her story and insists the kids are mine and that it is a mistake.
> 
> I read a post this morning before I left for work that I had not thought about. It is possible that the other guy looks like me. That idea has been running around in my head all day.
> I have to work again tomorrow and still feel lousy. I’m going to try going to bed earlier tonight.
> 
> I got the results from the kit back in about a week.
> 
> Does anyone know how long it takes to get the official test results back? Is it longer than a week?


A DNA test that is acceptable in a legal sense takes three to four days to get a result.A neutral third party such as a doctor can take the samples and a strict chain of custody is followed.
Depending on where you live the cost can vary but you can expect to pay anything up to five hundred dollars.
Again,good luck.


----------



## eric1

Forget the kids and Pastor for a second. If your wife was remorseful you’d have the name of her boyfriend that she slept with supposedly only once. She knows his name and you know that she knows this.

She is protecting him.

She is lying to you.

Somehow YOU are the one who is in counseling.

This is crazy.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Your pastor is an idiot and your wife is a liar. Filing for divorce is just that--filing. The divorce process will take months or years and can be stopped at any time, so there's so reason to delay the simple filing. Your wife's long-lasting affair with a man was the reason she was going out all the time. At this point she doesn't even have the decency to come clean. She needs to admit he was no predator and she should tell you who he is. But honestly, the fact that she thought that this was just one big joke and that she was laughing about putting one over on you says all you need to know about her. Your pastor just wants to be able to say, "Look I 'saved' another marriage."


----------



## Robert22205

You've received excellent advice here from people who have personally experienced the nightmare that you're going through. I'm sorry this happened to you ... none of this is your fault in any way. Your wife is a devious selfish liar that is manipulating her mother and the pastor and anyone that's foolish enough to listen. Your wife was going out regularly partying so it's entirely possible there's more than 1 other man - and she (and her girl friends) really are not sure who the father is. 

The recording and the DNA test and her history of inappropriate & disrespectful behavior (toward you and your marriage) is all you need to support your decision to divorce her. You have more than enough reason to divorce her (even without the paternity issue). You don't need to actually witness her having sex with another man. At this point your wife will never (never) admit the truth. 

At this point she and her family are in damage control and trying to save face by arguing that you can't prove adultery because DNA tests are not 100%.
Well DNA tests are considered reliable enough to send people to prison or a death sentence - so it's reliable enough for paternity. 

Do not delay the divorce. Who a kid looks like means nothing. Stay away from your wife - she sounds unstable and very desperate and capable of doing or saying anything about you.


----------



## stro

He has a good point about waiting for an official DNA test if that were the only issue. However you have established that she has been having sex with other men. 

Hearing what I have heard about your wife to this point I’m guessing she has only told you a fraction of truth. She admitted to sex ONCE with some guy. But I think there is far more truth to be uncovered. You probably know that as well. 

If your wife were remorseful and truly had a heart toward reconciliation then I would say listen to your pastor. However I’m guessing she isn’t quite at that point. She still has a lot of secrets she has yet to tell.


----------



## Evinrude58

I agree. Even if the kids were his, it doesn’t negate the fact that she’s out having drunken adventures in bars every weekend, disrespects her husband in the most evil ways imaginable, and let’s face it, doesn’t love him.

The pastor has one goal: to be able to tell himself he “saved” a marriage. He doesn’t care about the misery the OP will feel the rest if his life if he stays with this woman. She has admitted cheating. The pastor, at the very least, should have mentioned that was a valid reason in the eyes if the Lord to divorce, and also that God wouldn’t want this man to live with such a horrible person.

The pastor is not a leader, he’s just a pastor doing the peacemaker thing. 

OP, you know what to do. Your friends and family know what you should do. Do it.


----------



## Robert22205

If she knows who the father is, then she's intentionally protecting him. The real father could be a high profile member of the community (someone you'd never suspect) and/or a married friend of her family ... someone she feels is worth protecting. There also may be more than one man that 'thinks' he's the father of the twins. In view of the abusive language and disrespect to you (and your marriage), even without the DNA evidence, anyone that advises you to stay in the marriage or work things out - is not your friend. 

So who is the father? You may never know. But I think you should suspect every man (no exceptions) that encourages you to stay with her. The father of the twins has a lot to loose (he's probably married, he could hold a position of trust and the truth could impact his job) and he has every reason to encourage or guilt you into staying with this woman.

On the other hand, after you divorce her, she will be forced to turn to the father of the twins for money. And the truth will surface.


----------



## TDSC60

Have you talked to any of the husbands and BFs of the girl's group since you told them? Obviously that group ALL are cheaters and they most likely were holding drinks high and cheering when your wife left to have sex with the guy(s). They all know everything about every time anything inappropriate happened on their girl's nights.

It might be worth it to make contact with them again to see what the wives and GFs are saying about your wife.

I suspect you might find that your wife had one specific BF that kept showing up to drink, dance, then take your wife away for an hour or two.

Most likely one of them has a picture of your wife and him together or dancing.


----------



## OnTheFly

I see no evil intent on the part of the pastor, he is living out his convictions based on the verse, ''husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church'', among others like this. I do believe they are woefully inadequate to deal with the nitty gritty of this particular sin, though. Decorum is right, they should be required to read TAM ad nauseam during seminary. So should all young people who want to get married.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth,

Of course you will choose you own path. I try to offer rationals that might be benifical.

That said some version of this is often given to a betrayed spouse, and I agree with it.

Forgiveness is the willingness to pay the debt for a specific offense.
It may be financial, emotional, time, any asset you posess that has been injured.

You cannot forgive an offence that you dont know about. 1John 1:9 is a good model for this. Specific "sins" must be confessed.

If your wife is hiding or lying about offenses to you or your marriage, you cannot forgive them. You dont know what they are, the damage in all likelyhood is still ongoing.

Secondly, forgiveness is you paying the loss for the offense, it does not change the other person, nor does it mean that now you have to pretent that someone whom you know to be untrustworthy is trustworthy.

You can forgive your wife and still divorce her.

I feel that you have been pressured into this counseling, and I am just wanting you to refresh these issues in your thinking.

Just some things to think about.


----------



## Jharp

*Reads entire thread*


Holy ****in ****balls!!! I thought my Ex was awful but damn....this one is a real _winner_, let me tell you!

EDIT: Really!? What is the bleeping out curse words? What utter tripe.


----------



## Beach123

Goodhealth said:


> I met with the pastor. He wants me to wait on filing. I was planning to do that Monday. He wants me to get the official dna test done first. He wants me to try counseling with her first. He didn’t know that she was going out and getting drunk every weekend I was off. He did notice she wasn’t with us in church when I brought the kids. I told him what I heard on the recorder and he thinks we can work through it in counseling.
> 
> My wife is sticking to her story and insists the kids are mine and that it is a mistake.
> 
> I read a post this morning before I left for work that I had not thought about. It is possible that the other guy looks like me. That idea has been running around in my head all day.
> I have to work again tomorrow and still feel lousy. I’m going to try going to bed earlier tonight.
> 
> I got the results from the kit back in about a week.
> 
> Does anyone know how long it takes to get the official test results back? Is it longer than a week?


Typical Pastor advice. 

Continue with the plan to serve her tomorrow - there's not one reason to wait!


----------



## Marc878

OnTheFly said:


> *I see no evil intent on the part of the pastor, he is living out his convictions based on the verse, ''husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church'', among others like this.* I do believe they are woefully inadequate to deal with the nitty gritty of this particular sin, though. Decorum is right, they should be required to read TAM ad nauseam during seminary. So should all young people who want to get married.


I agree he's just totally inept at having to deal with a betrayal of this depth or Infidelty in general. He's not the one who'd have to eat this **** sandwich.


----------



## Handy

*OntheflyI see no evil intent on the part of the pastor, he is living out his convictions based on the verse, ''husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church''...*

From my opinion, what I see the pastor doing is, the kids come before what the kids see as their current parents feelings. 

The kids feelings-welfare trump actual biology and what adults did wrong or did stupidly. OH, some people use religion to back up what they personally believe. That is what bugs me the most. To me the bible is similar to Lego Blocks. You can use a part from different areas and build what ever you want.


----------



## [email protected]

Goodhealth, this woman is dead to you. I'm glad you are pushing forward on the D. Be strong. Don't back off no matter what this tart says.


----------



## OnTheFly

Handy said:


> To me the bible is similar to Lego Blocks. You can use a part from different areas and build what ever you want.


Sure, some do that. But there are principals of Biblical hermeneutics that correct for that. End threadjack.


----------



## Andy1001

OnTheFly said:


> Sure, some do that. But there are principals of Biblical hermeneutics that correct for that. End threadjack.


I think in this case it’s more a case of homiletics being the preachers strong point rather than hermeneutics.He will use every trick in the book (bible?) to keep two of his flock from divorcing.
His supercilious comment that this situation can be worked through with counseling proves where his prerogatives lay.
He knows nothing but he is willing to share his ignorance.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Andy1001 said:


> OnTheFly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sure, some do that. But there are principals of Biblical hermeneutics that correct for that. End threadjack.
> 
> 
> 
> I think in this case it’s more a case of homiletics being the preachers strong point rather than hermeneutics.He will use every trick in the book (bible?) to keep two of his flock from divorcing.
> His supercilious comment that this situation can be worked through with counseling proves where his prerogatives lay.
> He knows nothing but he is willing to share his ignorance.
Click to expand...

This portion of the thread makes it even look that more odd how my situation in the church panned out, especially with Divorce being a supposed big no-no in the Catholic Church. I went to my priest Twice with all she was doing and she would go in after me a few days later (and talk to him). His response was more of a man to man advice session vs. a clergy doing everything he could to save the marriage. Problem is my STBXW is very persuasive/manipulative and they had worked side by side on many church projects over the years. The gist was that there was really nothing he or I could do to change things and that she was 'obsessed'.


----------



## Marc878

stillfightingforus said:


> This portion of the thread makes it even look that more odd how my situation in the church panned out, especially with Divorce being a supposed big no-no in the Catholic Church. I went to my priest Twice with all she was doing and she would go in after me a few days later (and talk to him). His response was more of a man to man advice session vs. a clergy doing everything he could to save the marriage. *Problem is my STBXW is very persuasive/manipulative and they had worked side by side on many church projects over the years.* The gist was that there was really nothing he or I could do to change things and that she was 'obsessed'.


No man, you are dealing with hypocrits. They know better but it means nothing to them. Politics count for more. You should find another to go to.


----------



## Handy

It could be the first DNA test results were wrong and even if the kids are OP's, there are some very big problems in this marriage. As i see things, the first thing that has to be worked through is "who is on the hook for child support?"

This case looks like it could be at least a 3 or 4 level divorce case.
1. children's real father
2. W's affairs.
3. W's partying.
4. W bad mouthing her H to her friends.

Additional issues:
Goodhealth doesn't like her friends and her friends do not like Goodhealth. That situation needs a lot of changing.


----------



## The Middleman

I don’t mean to sound flippant about this, but this whole situation is an unsalvageable train wreck. Thankfully @Goodhealth doesn’t want to salvage anything. He just needs to protect himself.


----------



## sokillme

OnTheFly said:


> I see no evil intent on the part of the pastor, he is living out his convictions based on the verse, ''husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church'', among others like this. I do believe they are woefully inadequate to deal with the nitty gritty of this particular sin, though. Decorum is right, they should be required to read TAM ad nauseam during seminary. So should all young people who want to get married.


When I think about that I think about Ananias and Sapphira. They were part of the church, Jesus loved them right? _For those who don't know they lied about how much money they gave to the church and they were struck down dead immediately._ I assume the presumption is they got to go to heaven, but they didn't get to live. So I say love your wife the way Jesus loved Ananias and Sapphira forgive her but strike your marriage down dead in the same way for lying. 

Just saying.


----------



## Andy1001

sokillme said:


> When I think about that I think about Ananias and Sapphira. They were part of the church, Jesus loved them right? _For those who don't know they lied about how much money they gave to the church and they were struck down dead immediately._ I assume the presumption is they got to go to heaven, but they didn't get to live. So I say love your wife the way Jesus loved Ananias and Sapphira forgive her but strike your marriage down dead in the same way for lying.
> 
> Just saying.


And I thought tithing was extreme.Jeeez...


----------



## sokillme

Andy1001 said:


> And I thought tithing was extreme.Jeeez...


First of all I want to point out that I am talking about *metaphorically* killing the marriage. My overall point is Christians are big on love your spouse like Christ loved the church but then I can point out a passage were someone in the church lied to God and the punishment was immediately the harshest possible. There was no let them continue or even give them a chance to repent, nope boom dead. So again I say why can OP have the same tact with his marriage and end it immediately?


----------



## Randy Lafever

I don't see the upside of the DNA test. They are already your children, whether or not they are biologically. I can't imagine somebody just abandoning being a parent because of what a piece of paper says.


----------



## Rob_1

@Randy Lafever said:

Re: Not Really Cheating?

"I don't see the upside of the DNA test. They are already your children, whether or not they are biologically. I can't imagine somebody just abandoning being a parent because of what a piece of paper says."

That's your opinion. I would like to see you in that situation for real.
Although empathy exist in humans to various degrees. The rejection of a progeny that is not yours is more prevalent. Is human nature. 
Personally, I would reject them also. It's different when they are much older and they have grown as your children.


----------



## Husband2016

Randy Lafever said:


> I don't see the upside of the DNA test. They are already your children, whether or not they are biologically. I can't imagine somebody just abandoning being a parent because of what a piece of paper says.


I can relate to this. My ex and I split when my daughter was 6 mo old. When she became pregnant with my daughter, she completely changed. But, as the creeping thoughts of whether my ex was faithful or not, I had love for my daughter. Either she was mine biologically or not, she was mine. I was her father. I was all she ever knew. So I forwent a DNA test. No matter what, she is mine. She will never know a father like me, DNA didn’t and doesn’t matter to me.


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## The Middleman

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t be as magnanimous as @Randy Lafeve or @Husband2016 under the circumstances.


----------



## Randy Lafever

I guess if you see your relationship to your child as merely financial support then you could rationalize it by saying the real father should pay. My children are the only people who love me, how could I betray them just to punish their mother?


----------



## Husband2016

The Middleman said:


> I’m sorry, but I couldn’t be as magnanimous as @Randy Lafeve or @Husband2016 under the circumstances.


That has nothing to do with being magnanimous. It simply has nothing to do with my ex. Not even one iota. It has to do my daughter. What did she do to deserve a life without a father? I have an older son with my ex (no question of his biological heritage - he’s my twin), how could I justify seeing him but spurning her for the mistakes of my ex? The only true innocent victim would be her. And to potentially cause such harm to her psychologically for what? Because my ex may have been unfaithful? Granted, I understand the issue, and the feelings of “this child is not mine”, however, plenty of people adopt, how would this be any different at least to the child? They are my life, I couldn’t imagine a life without them.


----------



## BluesPower

Husband2016 said:


> That has nothing to do with being magnanimous. It simply has nothing to do with my ex. Not even one iota. It has to do my daughter. What did she do to deserve a life without a father? I have an older son with my ex (no question of his biological heritage - he’s my twin), how could I justify seeing him but spurning her for the mistakes of my ex? The only true innocent victim would be her. And to potentially cause such harm to her psychologically for what? Because my ex may have been unfaithful? Granted, I understand the issue, and the feelings of “this child is not mine”, however, plenty of people adopt, how would this be any different at least to the child? They are my life, I couldn’t imagine a life without them.


I am sorry brother, you are just wrong about this. This is not how it works. 

OP in this case has been a fool. That is the bottom line. His pastor is a fool, and just the kind of pastor whose wife is out banging the local bad boy, or the pastor that doesn't understand why his wife won't screw him but every 6 months. Typical fool that has no experience and no understanding.

I have been around a lot of religious people, and I am here to say that they don't get it. They are not bad people but they are stupid about this stuff. 

Further, OP has to understand that his wife is the absolute worst possible person. She knows exactly what is going on and the jig is up. 

OP do not listen to the pastor, dust him yesterday. File now, file fast and take no prisoners...


----------



## OnTheRocks

Pastors are businessmen, and no better than the rest of us. Sometimes I honestly wish I'd chosen that career path. Then again, I like sleeping at night. Always keep peoples' motivations in mind. He would like for both of you to keep tithing to his wallet.


----------



## personofinterest

"
I have been around a lot of religious people, and I am here to say that they don't get it. They are not bad people but they are stupid about this stuff. "
What an utterly idiotic generalization.


----------



## personofinterest

OnTheRocks said:


> Pastors are businessmen, and no better than the rest of us. Sometimes I honestly wish I'd chosen that career path. Then again, I like sleeping at night. Always keep peoples' motivations in mind. He would like for both of you to keep tithing to his church.


And another sad, pathetic inaccurate statements that says more about you than a minister.


----------



## BruceBanner

Husband2016 said:


> That has nothing to do with being magnanimous. It simply has nothing to do with my ex. Not even one iota. It has to do my daughter. What did she do to deserve a life without a father? I have an older son with my ex (no question of his biological heritage - he’s my twin), how could I justify seeing him but spurning her for the mistakes of my ex? The only true innocent victim would be her. And to potentially cause such harm to her psychologically for what? Because my ex may have been unfaithful? Granted, I understand the issue, and the feelings of “this child is not mine”, however, plenty of people adopt, how would this be any different at least to the child? They are my life, I couldn’t imagine a life without them.


It's called not being a doormat and letting someone else get away with murder.


----------



## Husband2016

BluesPower said:


> Husband2016 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That has nothing to do with being magnanimous. It simply has nothing to do with my ex. Not even one iota. It has to do my daughter. What did she do to deserve a life without a father? I have an older son with my ex (no question of his biological heritage - he’s my twin), how could I justify seeing him but spurning her for the mistakes of my ex? The only true innocent victim would be her. And to potentially cause such harm to her psychologically for what? Because my ex may have been unfaithful? Granted, I understand the issue, and the feelings of “this child is not mine”, however, plenty of people adopt, how would this be any different at least to the child? They are my life, I couldn’t imagine a life without them.
> 
> 
> 
> I am sorry brother, you are just wrong about this. This is not how it works.
> 
> OP in this case has been a fool. That is the bottom line. His pastor is a fool, and just the kind of pastor whose wife is out banging the local bad boy, or the pastor that doesn't understand why his wife won't screw him but every 6 months. Typical fool that has no experience and no understanding.
> 
> I have been around a lot of religious people, and I am here to say that they don't get it. They are not bad people but they are stupid about this stuff.
> 
> Further, OP has to understand that his wife is the absolute worst possible person. She knows exactly what is going on and the jig is up.
> 
> OP do not listen to the pastor, dust him yesterday. File now, file fast and take no prisoners...
Click to expand...

I’m not responding to the Pastor things, but you’re just wrong. It is exactly how it works. I’ve been through it. I can appreciate how you opine how it doesn’t work, I just don’t fall in your camp. And that’s fine. But to dismiss it completely? Shows a shallow understanding of a complicated situation.


----------



## Husband2016

BruceBanner said:


> Husband2016 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That has nothing to do with being magnanimous. It simply has nothing to do with my ex. Not even one iota. It has to do my daughter. What did she do to deserve a life without a father? I have an older son with my ex (no question of his biological heritage - he’s my twin), how could I justify seeing him but spurning her for the mistakes of my ex? The only true innocent victim would be her. And to potentially cause such harm to her psychologically for what? Because my ex may have been unfaithful? Granted, I understand the issue, and the feelings of “this child is not mine”, however, plenty of people adopt, how would this be any different at least to the child? They are my life, I couldn’t imagine a life without them.
> 
> 
> 
> It's called not being a doormat and letting someone else get away with murder.
Click to expand...

Also, nothing to do with the kid. My animosity to my ex has nothing to do with my child, biologically speaking or not. If you can’t get it, that’s up to you. I divorced my ex, I didn’t divorce my child.


----------



## personofinterest

I can respect people who do not agree with me.

Can you?


----------



## Goodhealth

Just a quick update- First though. My pastor is very good. He is not stupid. He finished college and I believe he genuinely is trying to do his best by me and my family. I trust him.

He did call me today at work and wanted to know if I was willing to try to work through this. I said I still didn't know what all I was being asked to work out as my wife was not being honest about everything. Her story about being drunk one night and cant remember the guys name but she can remember a condom was used did not make sense to me.

He asked me to come by after my work and meet with him and my wife.

After a bunch of discussion, it turns out that it was an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on. He started contacting her after we were married and she resisted until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. She swears it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. They had a deal that they would always use condoms because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and she knew he slept around.

When she got pregnant and told him he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms and he never said anything about one breaking or anything like that.
The kids do look like me
The kids bonded well with me
The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.

He also stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts after she told him she was pregnant. She thought maybe he was trying back off for us.

After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.

She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.
She says her friends knew she was cheating but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.

When I left I told my pastor and her both that this was to much for me and I needed to get divorced from her. I am meeting my lawyer tomorrow to start the process including official DNA tests. 

I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more. 

Her old boyfriend is already paying child support to one woman she knows of. 

Bottom line is that tomorrow I start the process of getting her out of my life. Even if the official tests show the kids are mine. I will do right by them if that happens, but cannot keep her as a wife.


----------



## personofinterest

I'm glad you finally know who it is, and I am glad you are proceeding with the divorce.


----------



## Rob_1

OP. Follow that path, and do not deviate. Keep your self respect. If the kids turn out to be your, you will be divorcing her not the kids.


----------



## sokillme

Goodhealth said:


> Just a quick update- First though. My pastor is very good. He is not stupid. He finished college and I believe he genuinely is trying to do his best by me and my family. I trust him.
> 
> He did call me today at work and wanted to know if I was willing to try to work through this. I said I still didn't know what all I was being asked to work out as my wife was not being honest about everything. Her story about being drunk one night and cant remember the guys name but she can remember a condom was used did not make sense to me.
> 
> He asked me to come by after my work and meet with him and my wife.
> 
> After a bunch of discussion, it turns out that it was an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on. He started contacting her after we were married and she resisted until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. She swears it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. They had a deal that they would always use condoms because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and she knew he slept around.
> 
> When she got pregnant and told him he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms and he never said anything about one breaking or anything like that.
> The kids do look like me
> The kids bonded well with me
> The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.
> 
> He also stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts after she told him she was pregnant. She thought maybe he was trying back off for us.
> 
> After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.
> 
> She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.
> She says her friends knew she was cheating but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.
> 
> When I left I told my pastor and her both that this was to much for me and I needed to get divorced from her. I am meeting my lawyer tomorrow to start the process including official DNA tests.
> 
> I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more.
> 
> Her old boyfriend is already paying child support to one woman she knows of.
> 
> Bottom line is that tomorrow I start the process of getting her out of my life. Even if the official tests show the kids are mine. I will do right by them if that happens, but cannot keep her as a wife.


This is the RIGHT and perfectly moral decision. Don't let your pastor or anyone else tell you different, though I am sure he will try. If he does tell him to back off or your relationship will be done. You have biblical right to divorce. In the long run your life will be 1000 times better without her then trying to be married to someone who could treat you so poorly and laugh about it. All the excuses are the typical ones you hear about over and over. She is in denial and her friends are *******s SO MUCH is wrong with this women that you would be crazy to be married to her. Tell your pastor to marry her if he wants. Again remember she and her friends were making jokes about this at your expense weeks ago. When someone shows you who they are believe them. She is a very unkind demonstrated liar, just cause she says he is the only one doesn't mean it. Also just cause she says she wants to stay in the marriage doesn't mean it's for love. How could she love you and treat you so cruelly. 

Finally doesn't take much to find better then this women, only thing that will stop it is if you stay married to her and hitch your life to her. 

Damn I was worried at the beginning of this post.


----------



## Husband2016

Goodhealth said:


> Just a quick update- First though. My pastor is very good. He is not stupid. He finished college and I believe he genuinely is trying to do his best by me and my family. I trust him.
> 
> He did call me today at work and wanted to know if I was willing to try to work through this. I said I still didn't know what all I was being asked to work out as my wife was not being honest about everything. Her story about being drunk one night and cant remember the guys name but she can remember a condom was used did not make sense to me.
> 
> He asked me to come by after my work and meet with him and my wife.
> 
> After a bunch of discussion, it turns out that it was an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on. He started contacting her after we were married and she resisted until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. She swears it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. They had a deal that they would always use condoms because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and she knew he slept around.
> 
> When she got pregnant and told him he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms and he never said anything about one breaking or anything like that.
> The kids do look like me
> The kids bonded well with me
> The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.
> 
> He also stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts after she told him she was pregnant. She thought maybe he was trying back off for us.
> 
> After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.
> 
> She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.
> She says her friends knew she was cheating but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.
> 
> When I left I told my pastor and her both that this was to much for me and I needed to get divorced from her. I am meeting my lawyer tomorrow to start the process including official DNA tests.
> 
> I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more.
> 
> Her old boyfriend is already paying child support to one woman she knows of.
> 
> Bottom line is that tomorrow I start the process of getting her out of my life. Even if the official tests show the kids are mine. I will do right by them if that happens, but cannot keep her as a wife.


OP, I cannot fathom what you’re goin g through. My ex and I did not end on the note even remotely you have. Although she and I do not get along, I love my kids. I can truly appreciate the the kids are not yours and if you want to cut them out - that’s a fairly resonable response. Just because I couldn’t do it, in my eyes, doesn’t make you less of a person. You have, again in my eyes, demonstrated you are more than a good person. Do what Ian best for you.


----------



## Kamstel

You are a DAMN GOOD MAN!!!!

You do what is best for you!

Even without the DNA issue, the way she treated you and disrespected you, you still should divorce her.

My advice is to completely ghost her


----------



## Marc878

Goodhealth said:


> Just a quick update- First though. My pastor is very good. He is not stupid. He finished college and I believe he genuinely is trying to do his best by me and my family. I trust him.
> 
> He did call me today at work and wanted to know if I was willing to try to work through this. I said I still didn't know what all I was being asked to work out as my wife was not being honest about everything. Her story about being drunk one night and cant remember the guys name but she can remember a condom was used did not make sense to me.
> 
> He asked me to come by after my work and meet with him and my wife.
> 
> After a bunch of discussion, it turns out that it was an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on. He started contacting her after we were married and she resisted until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. She swears it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. They had a deal that they would always use condoms because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and she knew he slept around.
> 
> How sweet of her. Most cheaters never use condoms and they always lie a lot.
> 
> When she got pregnant and told him he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms and he never said anything about one breaking or anything like that.
> The kids do look like me
> The kids bonded well with me
> The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.
> 
> He also stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts after she told him she was pregnant. *She thought maybe he was trying back off for us*.
> 
> He knocked her up and wanted no part of her after that. I'd bet she was planning to dump you until he dumped her. Cheaters lie and minimize a lot.
> 
> After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.
> 
> Only because he didn't want it
> 
> She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.
> She says her friends knew she was cheating but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.
> 
> Cheaters lie a lot
> 
> When I left I told my pastor and her both that this was to much for me and I needed to get divorced from her. I am meeting my lawyer tomorrow to start the process including official DNA tests.
> 
> I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more.
> 
> Of course she's upset her cake eating days are about yo be over
> 
> Her old boyfriend is already paying child support to one woman she knows of.
> 
> Bottom line is that tomorrow I start the process of getting her out of my life. Even if the official tests show the kids are mine. I will do right by them if that happens, but cannot keep her as a wife.


Glad you made a decision. No one in their right mind would stay in a situation like this.

Your pastor may not be stupid but he is very naive and inept.


----------



## GusPolinski

Doesn’t matter how smart the guy is — pastors suck as marriage counselors because they’re going to push marriage and reconciliation no matter what.

Support the kids if they’re biologically yours, or even if you just want to (due to having already bonded with them). And mannerisms don’t mean a damn thing, BTW — my 8-year-old nephew (brother and SIL adopted him when he was 2) acts EXACTLY like my brother. IOW, get more tests.

Divorce your WW either way.


----------



## OnTheRocks

personofinterest said:


> And another sad, pathetic inaccurate statements that says more about you than a minister.


Keep that dream alive. It will all pay out in the end, right?


----------



## Goose54

> I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more.


I agree with others; you are a good man. You are doing the right thing, I would bet all day, had POSOM not ghosted her, she’d of left you for him in a heartbeat. 

I would also bet if you hold a picture up of POSOM to your twins, you’ll see him in them and you will have that reminder the rest of your life. I DISAGREE WHOLE HEARTEDLY with the others that say the twins are still your children, they don’t deserve to be fatherless. They will not be fatherless, never have never will, that is between POS WW and POSOM, not you. JMO sorry if that is offensive to others but I feel strongly about that. I really feel strongly about that and honestly I find it offensive to see it advised on these boards but they are entitled to their opinions, also.


----------



## seadoug105

Goodhealth said:


> Just a quick update- First though. My pastor is very good. He is not stupid. He finished college and I believe he genuinely is trying to do his best by me and my family. I trust him.
> 
> He did call me today at work and wanted to know if I was willing to try to work through this. I said I still didn't know what all I was being asked to work out as my wife was not being honest about everything. Her story about being drunk one night and cant remember the guys name but she can remember a condom was used did not make sense to me.
> 
> He asked me to come by after my work and meet with him and my wife.
> 
> After a bunch of discussion, it turns out that it was *an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on.* He started contacting her after we were married and she resisted until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. She swears it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. They had a deal that they would always use condoms because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and she knew he slept around.
> 
> When she got pregnant and told him he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms and he never said anything about one breaking or anything like that.
> The kids do look like me
> The kids bonded well with me
> The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.
> 
> He also stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts after she told him she was pregnant. She thought maybe he was trying back off for us.
> 
> After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.
> 
> She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.
> She says her friends knew she was cheating but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.
> 
> When I left I told my pastor and her both that this was to much for me and I needed to get divorced from her. I am meeting my lawyer tomorrow to start the process including official DNA tests.
> 
> I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more.
> 
> Her old boyfriend is already paying child support to one woman she knows of.
> 
> Bottom line is that tomorrow I start the process of getting her out of my life. Even if the official tests show the kids are mine. I will do right by them if that happens, but cannot keep her as a wife.



What I will never understand is someone who supposedly loves you needing closure from an ex-boyfriend.... if you are truly in love with your spouse you will never want, desire, or seek closure with an ex... 



So what you got out of this meeting is that everything she told you before, when she was coming clean was a lie (it was only once, she was drunk, can't remember things, doesn't know who the guy was, etc).

You also might want to let the other husbands know that their wives were continueong to lie to help a cheater cover up..... probably because your stbxww is still covering for them as well.... they are all covering for each other's cheating. Even with your stbxww caught dead to rights with a failed DNA and her admitting it with some fake story; rather than focusing on honesty in their own marriage they choose to lie to you and their husbands with your wife's half assed cover story.... it should make their husbands wonder what else they are lying about to cover their own asses.


----------



## stro

Someone else put it best when they said your wife has shown you who she is. You are making the right decision. Don’t doubt yourself.


----------



## Husband2016

Goose54 said:


> I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with others; you are a good man. You are doing the right thing, I would bet all day, had POSOM not ghosted her, she’d of left you for him in a heartbeat.
> 
> I would also bet if you hold a picture up of POSOM to your twins, you’ll see him in them and you will have that reminder the rest of your life. I DISAGREE WHOLE HEARTEDLY with the others that say the twins are still your children, they don’t deserve to be fatherless. They will not be fatherless, never have never will, that is between POS WW and POSOM, not you. JMO sorry if that is offensive to others but I feel strongly about that. I really feel strongly about that and honestly I find it offensive to see it advised on these boards but they are entitled to their opinions, also.
Click to expand...

This is an equally valid point as to the kids. Although I fall on the other side of the fence, it is a fence nonetheless. But I feel equally strongely, if not more so, offensive to see it advertised that one should abandon innocent children that had nothing to do with what went down between a WW and BH. But I can understand and do not fault one that does.


----------



## OutofRetirement

Goodhealth said:


> My pastor is very good. I believe he genuinely is trying to do his best by me and my family. I trust him.
> 
> Her story about being drunk one night and cant remember the guys name but she can remember a condom was used did not make sense to me.
> 
> He asked me to come by after my work and meet with him and my wife.
> 
> *After a bunch of discussion*, it turns out that it was an old boyfriend that *she was madly in love* with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on. He started contacting her after we were married and *she resisted* until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. *She swears* it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. *They had a deal that they would always use condoms* because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and *she knew he slept around*.
> 
> When she *got pregnant and told him* he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms.
> 
> *The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure* they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.
> 
> He also stopped contacting her and *stopped returning her contacts* after she told him she was pregnant. She thought maybe he was trying back off for us.
> 
> After the baby was born, she *dropped the weight* and started going back out again. She admitted to *looking for him* but says *it never worked out again*.
> 
> She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.
> She says *her friends knew she was cheating*


I believe your pastor is genuinely trying to help you. I do believe he has a strong bias for reconciling. Over the years, my experience and observations, is that clergy have a very strong bias for staying married. I don't believe you get the "truth," if that's what it actually was, if not for the pastor's involvement.

Well, that is a really different story that your wife (and her toxic friends, and her mom) had been letting you believe. Her friends, at least, know full well that your wife had been having a long-term affair. Always used condoms? That's a lie. Of course I can't prove it one way or another, but it's extremely rare for condom usage when the two people are "in love," like your wife was with her soulmate "one-who-got-away."

What do you make of your wife's friends now, that she knew all along, trying to make you believe it was some stranger predator when your wife got practically blackout drunk one night. It actually was a guy she talked with and met up with no alcohol at all. Based on your posts about your wife always out drinking every weekend in singles bars and her behind-your-back conversations of who the daddy is, I kind of believed it was along those lines.

I think it's unusual to lie so differently. I think most cheaters braid in some truth with the lies.

Also, what do you make of how your wife reacted, so self-righteous, when you found something? How she was so full-on making you the bad guy? How she was so very willing to let you be the bad guy? I wonder what would have happened if you had given in to her and accepted her inital assertions. She'd double down on saying so much how you were a POS for "leaving her" over her "just a joke" with her friends. Can you imagine how much they'd be joking behind your back about what a dupe you are after that?

Please tell me this is not the same guy who was invited tot he wedding.

I don't believe anything your wife says. It makes sense that it was this last guy she named, a former lover who was in her mind her true soulmate, but I would not be surprised if it was a lie, either.

Did she offer any evidence to back up her assertions? Or does she just accept her words as truth now?

You mention she lost weight for him, was looking for him, but it never "worked out" again. Which implies she actually did meet up with him after that.

I already had a very, very low opinion of your wife. With every new revelation, my opinion of her drops even lower.

Off the top of my head, I can't think of any other cheater more reprehensible than your wife. I have to say, my personal observation and experiences are that "girls nights out" or "boys nights out" spent in singles-types bar, I find the ones who enjoy that atmosphere, when married, are not committed to the marriage. Seem to have the outlook of affairs are OK. No doubt your wife and her friends all thought cheating was more than OK, the cheating was something to be admired.


----------



## BruceBanner

Husband2016 said:


> This is an equally valid point as to the kids. Although I fall on the other side of the fence, it is a fence nonetheless. But I feel equally strongely, if not more so, offensive to see it advertised that one should abandon innocent children that had nothing to do with what went down between a WW and BH. But I can understand and do not fault one that does.


If it were not for your username I would think you were a woman.


----------



## Evinrude58

OP,

I really believe you are making the only decision you can.
Do everything you can legally to get your name off the other man’s kids birth certificates so that you are not legally responsible for them. You can always help them in life if YOU choose to. I think it best that you move on and break all contact with this whole band of trash. 

I do want to say that your wife is doing the classic trickle truthing that they all do.
She’s a cheater. She goes out to bars to party and cheat. The father of those kids was not the only man she’s cheated with. More lies. If you had any proof whatsoever of another, she’d be saying—- well, it was only two. She’s proven she will lie again and again. Why would you possibly believe you’ve gotten the whole truth now?

After what she’s done and what she’s proven she’s capable of, and after what she’s done since your “discovery”——- yeah, you really shouldn’t waste another day of your life with such a vile person.

Move on. It won’t hurt like this forever—- unless you allow yourself to be further abused in the worst way possible by this woman.

You can find happiness that will last with someone else.
I’m really glad you weren’t manipulated by her crocodile tears and your misguided pastor.

No man should ever get married to this woman in the future. She’s an albatross.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> Just a quick update- First though. My pastor is very good. He is not stupid. He finished college and I believe he genuinely is trying to do his best by me and my family. I trust him.
> 
> He did call me today at work and wanted to know if I was willing to try to work through this. I said I still didn't know what all I was being asked to work out as my wife was not being honest about everything. Her story about being drunk one night and cant remember the guys name but she can remember a condom was used did not make sense to me.
> 
> He asked me to come by after my work and meet with him and my wife.
> 
> After a bunch of discussion, it turns out that it was an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on. He started contacting her after we were married and she resisted until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. She swears it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. They had a deal that they would always use condoms because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and she knew he slept around.
> 
> When she got pregnant and told him he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms and he never said anything about one breaking or anything like that.
> The kids do look like me
> The kids bonded well with me
> The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.
> 
> He also stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts after she told him she was pregnant. She thought maybe he was trying back off for us.
> 
> After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.
> 
> She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.
> She says her friends knew she was cheating but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.
> 
> When I left I told my pastor and her both that this was to much for me and I needed to get divorced from her. I am meeting my lawyer tomorrow to start the process including official DNA tests.
> 
> I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more.
> 
> Her old boyfriend is already paying child support to one woman she knows of.
> 
> Bottom line is that tomorrow I start the process of getting her out of my life. Even if the official tests show the kids are mine. I will do right by them if that happens, but cannot keep her as a wife.


I think that is a reasonable, and appropriate choice under the circumstances. Only you can decide what you can live with.

You proved to be a devoted husband and father, even when the red flags of your STBXW's despicable behavior were all over the place.

This is a support forum. You deserve support all the way through this.

If you find thread jacks, or harassing posts, those posters can be reported, and their posts removed.

The Mods remove posts and ban posters on a regular basis. Just ask us (or me) for help.

That said I really wish you well.
Take care!


----------



## Decorum

Btw, I give your pastor alot of credit for knowing that you needed the truth to make an informed decision.

What your wife has admitted to crosses the line so outrageously that her hiding anything else might very well be irrelevant to you. It's your call.

I think you have the essential truth you need, and can be at peace about that.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> Just a quick update-
> 
> 
> After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.


At least now we know who the predator was. 

"She" was on the prowl !


----------



## TRy

Goodhealth said:


> She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.





Goodhealth said:


> She says her friends knew she was cheating but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.


 @ Goodhealth (OP): Here is what we now know:

1) Since you earlier heard your wife brag to her friends that the children were the Other Man’’s (OM) kids, you know that she and these same friends are lying to you when they now falsely claim that these friends had “assured her the kids must be” yours. It was such common knowledge to them all that the OM was the kids father, that it was used as a joke to laugh at you.

2) Since these same friends “knew she was cheating” with an ex, but had earlier falsely backed up her lie that she did not know the guy and only did it once, you cannot believe a word that your wife or any of these toxic friends say.

3) Since “She admitted to looking for him” after he dumped her when she got pregnant, the odds are high that he could take her away from you any time that he wanted. Your marriage would exist only so long as he decides to let it exist. Worse yet, should he decide to claim his biological children, he could step in with your wife’s support and take them away from you by simple telling them that he is their “real” dad.

You cannot build your life around a foundation that exist only at another man’s pleasure.


----------



## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> "
> I have been around a lot of religious people, and I am here to say that they don't get it. They are not bad people but they are stupid about this stuff. "
> 
> 
> What an utterly idiotic generalization.


I am just telling you what I have seen. That is no general condemnation of pastors or religion, but it is a valid although anecdotal observation. 

Pastors, many, many of them are lay counselors and some are OK at general marriage problems. Still most are not really trained counselors. 

Further when you actually look at some of the licensed therapists out there that are actually horrible especially at dealing with infidelity. 

So it is not surprising that pastors, who in most cases are lay counselors, have no idea how to deal with this type of infidelity in any way. 

No person, male or female, should be told to wait to file or try to work on this type of situation. 

This guys wife has been out banging half of the town, pawned off her spawn on her husband, and knew it all of the time. 

There is no coming back from this for him. 

Anyone that would give that type advice to OP if completely clueless about infidelity.


----------



## BluesPower

Decorum said:


> Btw, I give your pastor alot of credit for knowing that you needed the truth to make an informed decision.
> 
> What your wife has admitted to crosses the line so outrageously that her hiding anything else might very well be irrelevant to you. It's your call.
> 
> I think you have the essential truth you need, and can be at peace about that.


While I completely agree with OP's decision. 

I for one do not think that he got THE truth. He got some truth, but the odds of his wife only screwing the one old BF are next to zero, not impossible but very low. 

Further, the other women on those groups we screwing around on their husbands as well. 

I think that OP, when time allows, should at least let the other husbands in the group know everything that he knows and that at the very least their wives were egging on his wife's cheating. 

I think they all have the right to understand what type of people they are married too.


----------



## manwithnoname

personofinterest said:


> I can respect people who do not agree with me.


This is laughable.

You should read some of your posts.


----------



## Decorum

BluesPower said:


> While I completely agree with OP's decision.
> 
> I for one do not think that he got THE truth. He got some truth, but the odds of his wife only screwing the one old BF are next to zero, not impossible but very low.
> 
> Further, the other women on those groups we screwing around on their husbands as well.
> 
> I think that OP, when time allows, should at least let the other husbands in the group know everything that he knows and that at the very least their wives were egging on his wife's cheating.
> 
> I think they all have the right to understand what type of people they are married too.


I agree completely. I think that the "some truth" he got is bad enough, and can help him feel confident about his decision.

Good point with regards to informing the others about the, "egging on", and the coverup. 

They deserve to know how shady their partners can be.


----------



## Decorum

TRy said:


> @ Goodhealth (OP): Here is what we now know:
> 
> 1) Since you earlier heard your wife brag to her friends that the children were the Other Man’’s (OM) kids, you know that she and these same friends are lying to you when they now falsely claim that these friends had “assured her the kids must be” yours. It was such common knowledge to them all that the OM was the kids father, that it was used as a joke to laugh at you.
> 
> 2) Since these same friends “knew she was cheating” with an ex, but had earlier falsely backed up her lie that she did not know the guy and only did it once, you cannot believe a word that your wife or any of these toxic friends say.
> 
> 3) Since “She admitted to looking for him” after he dumped her when she got pregnant, the odds are high that he could take her away from you any time that he wanted. Your marriage would exist only so long as he decides to let it exist. Worse yet, should he decide to claim his biological children, he could step in with your wife’s support and take them away from you by simple telling them that he is their “real” dad.
> 
> You cannot build your life around a foundation that exist only at another man’s pleasure.


Ugly truth, oh my gosh!
Goodhealth you made the right call.


----------



## MattMatt

Kamstel said:


> Texas has BOTH fault and no fault. He can file for adultery!!!


But NOT if she can trick him inot having sex with her! Then that would be considered him having forgiven her adultery.


----------



## MattMatt

Jharp said:


> *Reads entire thread*
> 
> 
> Holy ****in ****balls!!! I thought my Ex was awful but damn....this one is a real _winner_, let me tell you!
> 
> EDIT: Really!? What is the bleeping out curse words? What utter tripe.


*Moderator note* for @Jharp It is *not* tripe. It is part of the forum rules that all people who post on type agree to follow when they sign up for TAM.


----------



## Andy1001

personofinterest said:


> "
> I have been around a lot of religious people, and I am here to say that they don't get it. They are not bad people but they are stupid about this stuff. "
> What an utterly idiotic generalization.


The problem with the op accepting advice from the pastor in this case is he is starting from a position of vulnerability.His world has came crashing down around his ears and he desperately needs a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
THE PASTOR IS NOT A SUITABLE CANDIDATE FOR THIS POSITION.
The pastors goal in this sorry saga is wanting goodhealth and his wife to stay together and every single piece of advice he gives starts from this premise.
It’s like going to a doctor who has decided what the diagnosis is without even examining the patient,any symptoms that don’t gel with his predetermined opinion will be ignored.The pastor will only advice reconciliation,and despite all the evidence pointing to the long term cheating of goodhealth’s wife he will brush over this as unimportant.
Just remember one thing @Goodhealth,if your wife hadn’t gotten pregnant she would still be screwing lover boy and if he had supported her during her pregnancy she would be with him now.


----------



## personofinterest

From the original poster's own words, he is not going to stay with his wife regardless of what the pastor says, so we really don't have to keep going on and on about how he shouldn't do what the pastor says. Because hes not. And he shouldn't


----------



## Evinrude58

The very second she started having sex with the other man, her love for you was destroyed. It never will return, and it never did. THAT is the sole reason that she said and did the horrible things--- because she had and has no love for you. YOU KNOW that one couldn't do or say those things if they actually loved their spouse. And that is why you have decided to divorce. 

It's a very hurtful thing to go through. It takes months and even years to get completely over. But you are doing the right thing.

Now is the time to follow your attorney's advice, lean on your parents and close friend, work out at the gym for mental health as much as physical. Then rock on and have a happy life and you will eventually become indifferent to all this pain, as hard as it seems at the moment.


----------



## Kamstel

I know that you are getting ready for your visit to your attorney.

I just wanted to wish you luck. Stay strong in what you know you must do. Remember that you did NOTHING wrong. This is ALL on her!!!!

You now know that she has been sleeping with her ex boyfriend from basically the moment she said “I do” to you. I think you suspect that the ex boyfriend isn’t the only guy that she has been f_cking when she was out at her girls nights! I think you suspect that she has had guys back to your place to f-uck in your bed when you were at one of your multiple jobs, IN YOUR BED, while the kids were asleep. 

She is not a nice person. You deserve much, Much, MUCH better!!!

You know what you must do. And you will do it!

Good luck. If you need to vent or get advice, you know where to find us


----------



## OnTheFly

Evinrude58 said:


> The very second she started having sex with the other man, her love for you was destroyed.


I'll see that, and I'll raise you a dollar….

She is a classic example of an ''alpha widow''. This dude owns her heart. She never had a chance at giving it to GoodHealth, as it was already taken. Sure, she put on a good show of it for awhile……but when the tingles returned……..(we now know the rest of the story)

I believe it was Decorum, earlier in the thread, who said something along the lines of, ''if someone loves their spouse, they don't need closure from a previous relationship''. Well, that's a pretty big ''IF'', and we clearly see in this case, there was no "IF". 

It's no secret, we're all proud of how GoodHealth is handling this, standing up straight, shoulders back, chin out, withstanding the most epic ****storm a man can face. God Bless!


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> Twins are not mine. I was sure they were. Wife trying to say it is a lab error or something as it is not possible to get the results we have.
> 
> I am filing as soon as I can. Not much else I can think to do.


Goodhealth,
Please be sure to update us when the new DNA results are in.

I need to catch up on your thead, but I want to say that if you filed today then you have turned a corner. 

You are no loger trying to uncover an affair, Control the public narrative, or trying to save a marriage by exposing, etc.

So in divorce there is a new set of stragities and outcomes to consider.

Your attorney is the go to person here, but there are many here who can add valuable insight into that process. They have been through it, and while every one is unique, I think you will find valuable help here.

There is anothe forum here 
.. https://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/

You might consider opening a thread there. Posting reciprocal links will help people find you. 

Many of the posters currently posting on your threads can offer support from their own experience.

Things like relating to your ex in parenting and other things are topics that are much discussed here and there are some excellent threads on these.

I want to offer some possible responses for you to consider, when you are trying to help someone see the situation from your perspective.

"I was home unkowingly babysiting the OM's children, while my wife was out running around with the OM on the family Dime."

"She has not been a caring wife since before the twins were born and now I know the reason why." 

"I dont see anyway back from that!"

"My wife perpetrated a dispickable deception, and lied without remorse to her husband, and somehow you feel she has given you the unvarnished truth?"

If any of this rings true then you may find them helpful.

Again it's awful to have to try and be prepared for some of this, but hopefully the collective consciousness here on TAM can help to empower you when you feel stuck.

I really do wish you well.


----------



## bandit.45

Robert22205 said:


> If she knows who the father is, then she's intentionally protecting him. The real father could be a high profile member of the community (someone you'd never suspect) and/or a married friend of her family ... someone she feels is worth protecting. There also may be more than one man that 'thinks' he's the father of the twins. In view of the abusive language and disrespect to you (and your marriage), even without the DNA evidence, anyone that advises you to stay in the marriage or work things out - is not your friend.
> 
> So who is the father? You may never know. But I think you should suspect every man (no exceptions) that encourages you to stay with her. The father of the twins has a lot to loose (he's probably married, he could hold a position of trust and the truth could impact his job) and he has every reason to encourage or guilt you into staying with this woman.
> 
> On the other hand, after you divorce her, she will be forced to turn to the father of the twins for money. And the truth will surface.


The father is probably some nameless idiot who bent her over in a nasty men's room stall at a bar.


----------



## Cynthia

Children take on many of their parents characteristics whether they are biologically related or not. The fact that the children act like you is based on your loving care for them and the time you spend with them. They have learned from you.

Whether or not your wife used condoms doesn’t matter. Sex causes pregnancy and many people get pregnant using condoms, even when used correctly. If the DNA test says they aren’t biologically related to you and you know for a fact that your wife was having sex with someone else during that time there is no reason to believe the test is incorrect, however, you will have to get this proven with a test done at your doctor’s.

Please do this immediately and do not tell your wife. She is no longer someone you need to confide in or answer to. She has made herself into your enemy, so you need to protect yourself and not let her know what you are up to about anything. She isn’t your friend. She has a knife in her hand. Keep that in mind for all of your interactions with her. She is in self-preservation mode big time. You have no idea what she may be capable of. Watch your back. You have seen how she is already as a woman who only cares for herself and was willing to use you to advance her agenda without a care in the world for your feelings laughing about her abuse of you behind your back.

I'm sorry that your pastor doesn't seem to understand that the marriage is not more important than the people in the marriage. Marriage was made to be a blessing. You have been deceived from the beginning of your relationship with your now wife. She has lied to you and cheated on you. She has been behaving as if you are her servant rather than her husband. She is still lying to you. She has admitted that she never got over her boyfriend and has sought him out even since the babies were born. It is clear that she still isn't over him. As someone else asked, is the man in the picture the same man she is in love with?

You have nothing to build on. Marriage counseling is pointless because the problem isn't something wrong that you two can fix. The problem is that your wife is a woman of low character. Your wife is described here in the Bible: 
Ecclesiastes 7:26 NAS
26 And I discovered more bitter than death the woman whose heart is snares and nets, whose hands are chains. One who is pleasing to God will escape from her, but the sinner will be captured by her.

Your pastor's advice is not correct. I understand that most Christian pastors want to see marriages restored and in cases where there is true remorse and repentance I usually agree with that perspective, but in a case where you have been deceived from the start and have no actual foundation of truth or love to build from there is really nothing to save. She never was who you thought she was and she is a woman of extremely low character. "Her heart is snares and nets." Her hands are chains. Break free from her.

As far as the children go, do what you believe the Lord would have you do. These children are the children of an adulterous woman who deceived you. They are likely the children of the love of her life. I realize that you love them and have formed a relationship with them, but they are only your responsibility if the court forces you to support them. They are very young and will be okay if you leave them now.

I realize this sounds coldhearted to leave them without a father, but there are millions of fatherless children and none of them are your responsibility. We can't do everything or be everything to everyone. If you want to let them go I think that is a perfectly legitimate situation. Your wife is trying to coerce you into accepting the children of her adulterous affair through gross manipulation. Don't fall for it. If you want to be father to these children, then by all means be their father, but if you don't, there is no sin in that.

If your pastor is unwilling to support you in doing what is a righteous response, then find another church.

There are a couple of websites that you might find helpful. They are about dealing with corruption in the church especially in regards to how the church has a tendency to enable the wicked rather than protecting the oppressed and abused like it's supposed to do.

https://lightfordarktimes.com/2018/06/28/the-wicked-blame-everyone-but-themselves/

https://cryingoutforjustice.com/

You have every right to divorce this woman and wash your hands of this situation. I think that trying to work things out with her would be an exercise in futility. You cannot change her character. Her heart is full of wickedness and you have no obligation to live in an abusive marriage.

Please fill us in on what your attorney has advised you.


----------



## Dyokemm

I think OP is making the right choice.....

Now....if a BS ever says they want to R, I always offer advice and support to back that up.....it’s their life and decision.

But personally.....if ever asked for my own opinion......I would ALWAYS recommend D for any BS.

IMO....giving a cheater a second chance would be the historical equivalent of the Continental Congress offering Benedict Arnold a full pardon and a new command.

Forgiving a traitor is never wise as I see it.


----------



## Goodhealth

I really appreciate the response and support. I understand I should look at posting in the divorce section and will look at that. I'll try to wrap this up for now.

I met with my lawyer this morning and am proceeding forward with his help and guidance. He seems really good.

I went in with two main goals, to resolve the DNA test with an official one as quick as can be. My lawyer does not expect the results to be different from the kit and said not to get my hopes up. 

I also want to get divorced as fast as possible. I have wasted enough of my life with her. 

My wife seems convinced that the kids are mine for the reasons stated before. Assuming they had a deal to use condoms, either he tricked her or it broke or whatever. Anyway, that don't matter at all to me as she shouldn't have been having sex with anyone else condom or not. Wife blames exboyfriend, the tattoo and her friends- cant seem to wrap her head around it being her fault though. The tattoo is a railroad crossing sign. That is close to where they used to go parking. 

She has promised to not fight the divorce if the official dna test comes back negative for me. However she also promised to be my wife and that didn't last long. 

The exboyfriend is not the same guy from the wedding picture. Her exboyfriend still lives at home with his parents. We don't look much alike but are about the same size with same color hair. Maybe that explains the kids looking like me?

I think my pastor helped me get the truth that I couldn't get myself. He is good and is getting a raw deal with some of the comments made on this. He is accepting of my decision. 

I guess she would have left me if he wanted her to. I'm not sure why she keeps saying she wants to work this out with me. She was getting all dressed up to go hunt for him not that long ago. Makes no sense. 

I was nervous when I met with the lawyer. I didn't expect that I thought i would be relieved. Am planning to get checked by my doctor as well and hope to get back to one job soon. 

I will do a last reply on this one when I get the official results back.


----------



## Kamstel

Great job!
It may not feel like it right now, but great job!

The clock is now ticking down on just how much time you have left in this hell!


----------



## bandit.45

She's trailer park man. Accept what she is and move on with your life and be happy. 

Any low class sleaze who would trade her marriage and security for a peek at a tattoo is a ****ing moron.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

She wants R because you're a good stable earner who doesn't live with his parents. You also make a fine babysitter for her kids while she's out making more of them. Also saves her some embarrassment.

Dump her and lead a happy life. Choose your next mate carefully.


----------



## seadoug105

Goodhealth said:


> I think my pastor helped me get the truth that I couldn't get myself. He is good and is getting a raw deal with some of the comments made on this. He is accepting of my decision.


If it were not for him you would not have the truth you have today. Although I doubt she was completely truthful (i.e. he was the only one, yet she kept going out all ****ted up after he was out of the picture & ...well what was said on the tape); the truth she shared was quite brutal to her desire to stay in the marriage.... I don't think you ever would have gotten that information with out 

Let look at what you would probably NEVER know without your pastor’s help.


Goodhealth said:


> Just a quick update- First though. My pastor is very good. He is not stupid. He finished college and I believe he genuinely is trying to do his best by me and my family. I trust him.
> 
> He did call me today at work and wanted to know if I was willing to try to work through this. I said I still didn't know what all I was being asked to work out as my wife was not being honest about everything. Her story about being drunk one night and cant remember the guys name but she can remember a condom was used did not make sense to me.
> 
> He asked me to come by after my work and meet with him and my wife.
> 
> *After a bunch of discussion, it turns out that it was an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on. *she loved him so much that he held a higher spot in her heart than your marriage
> 
> *He started contacting her after we were married and she resisted until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. *she loved him so much that a tattoo was more important to her than your marriage
> 
> *Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. *She thinks you are stupid! Even when she is “being honest” she cant help but lie. You heard the recording. Her friends weren’t focused on trivial things like closure, they were all about sex…
> 
> *She swears it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. They had a deal that they would always use condoms *”They had a deal….” That in itself shows the it was planned and negates her swearing “it was never supposed to be more than that”
> 
> *because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and she knew he slept around. *this shows that she knew she was being used as one of his sex toys and that was more important to her than your marriage.
> 
> *When she got pregnant and told him he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms and he never said anything about one breaking or anything like that.*
> She obviously thought there was a good chance that they could be his kids, otherwise she wouldn’t have gone to him…. Unless she was looking for guidance (i.e. whether to keep them or not)
> 
> The kids do look like me
> The kids bonded well with me
> The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.
> 
> *He also stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts after she told him she was pregnant. She thought maybe he was trying back off for us.*
> It may not have been said but it is clear he ended it. Even after getting pregnant with what she *claims *are your children she still put him ahead of your marriage.
> 
> *After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.*
> It may not have been said but it is clear that even after having what she *claims *are your children she still put him ahead of your marriage and went looking for him to start back up. And the fact it didn’t work out means that she met up him… one can infer why…
> 
> She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.
> 
> *She says her friends knew she was cheating *but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.
> She was auditioning other men to take on the role of her lover/side piece…
> 
> 
> When I left I told my pastor and her both that this was to much for me and I needed to get divorced from her. I am meeting my lawyer tomorrow to start the process including official DNA tests.
> 
> I will decide how to move forward with the kids based on the official tests. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it does matter to me and I cant change that. Wife was bawling saying she wants to work it out and stay married. I just cannot do that no more.
> 
> *Her old boyfriend is already paying child support to one woman she knows of. *
> He has a history of knocking women up and abandoning them….
> 
> 
> Bottom line is that tomorrow I start the process of getting her out of my life. Even if the official tests show the kids are mine. I will do right by them if that happens, but cannot keep her as a wife.


to me it is evident that she is lying about the condom, because if she loved this guy half as much as her action imply… I find it very hard to believe she didn’t “need to feel him bare inside her” … odds are the might have gone “pull and pray” but he was so stupid he got it backward and prayed before he pulled….


----------



## sokillme

Goodhealth said:


> I really appreciate the response and support. I understand I should look at posting in the divorce section and will look at that. I'll try to wrap this up for now.
> 
> I met with my lawyer this morning and am proceeding forward with his help and guidance. He seems really good.
> 
> I went in with two main goals, to resolve the DNA test with an official one as quick as can be. My lawyer does not expect the results to be different from the kit and said not to get my hopes up.
> 
> I also want to get divorced as fast as possible. I have wasted enough of my life with her.
> 
> My wife seems convinced that the kids are mine for the reasons stated before. Assuming they had a deal to use condoms, either he tricked her or it broke or whatever. Anyway, that don't matter at all to me as she shouldn't have been having sex with anyone else condom or not. Wife blames exboyfriend, the tattoo and her friends- cant seem to wrap her head around it being her fault though. The tattoo is a railroad crossing sign. That is close to where they used to go parking.
> 
> She has promised to not fight the divorce if the official dna test comes back negative for me. However she also promised to be my wife and that didn't last long.
> 
> The exboyfriend is not the same guy from the wedding picture. Her exboyfriend still lives at home with his parents. We don't look much alike but are about the same size with same color hair. Maybe that explains the kids looking like me?
> 
> I think my pastor helped me get the truth that I couldn't get myself. He is good and is getting a raw deal with some of the comments made on this. He is accepting of my decision.
> 
> I guess she would have left me if he wanted her to. I'm not sure why she keeps saying she wants to work this out with me. She was getting all dressed up to go hunt for him not that long ago. Makes no sense.
> 
> I was nervous when I met with the lawyer. I didn't expect that I thought i would be relieved. Am planning to get checked by my doctor as well and hope to get back to one job soon.
> 
> I will do a last reply on this one when I get the official results back.


Dude don't try to understand your wife she is probably not smart enough or emotionally mature enough to be married to anyone. Now YOU will be the one who got away. That's how they work. 

Go on with your life, just because this woman was bad and didn't work out doesn't mean they all are.

Don't hesitate to post if you are having doubts or start to really feel pain. Most of us have all been through it and can help you get to the other side. And you will, I think you will realize that even if she didn't cheat on you being married to even a faithful wife who is going out to singles bars to leave you to babysit two young children is a hell no one should have to endure.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

@Goodhealth ,

Have you found out how many times they met up and had sex? By saying they "had a deal to always use condoms", it sounds like quite a few. I hope you expose her friends to their SOs and husbands. They suck as bad as your wife. 

You are doing an excellent job of getting yourself out of infidelity. Keep on going, brother.


----------



## Cynthia

What did the attorney say about how paternity will be handled legally? Can you have your name removed from the birth certificates? Is that what you want to do? 

Have you found a therapist to help you through this trauma?


----------



## Dyokemm

Rubix Cubed said:


> @Goodhealth ,
> 
> Have you found out how many times they met up and had sex? By saying they "had a deal to always use condoms", it sounds like quite a few. I hope you expose her friends to their SOs and husbands. They suck as bad as your wife.
> 
> You are doing an excellent job of getting yourself out of infidelity. Keep on going, brother.


I agree about her group of friends.....

If I found out my girlfriend was part of a group like this, she wouldn’t be long for the relationship.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> I really appreciate the response and support. I understand I should look at posting in the divorce section and will look at that.


You handled an awful situation as well as anyone could.

This thread will be a help and an example to many seeking help here.

If you can post a link here when you start a thread in the gong through section.

Many will want to follow and offer support to you there.



Take care!


----------



## oldtruck

I see the OP's WW still lying. She is most likely lying to the priest.
Enough facts came out so she has to admit sex. The it only one time, lie.
I told the OM he must wear condoms, it must of broke, he did not tell me, lies.
I just danced with the guy's that bought me drinks, more lies.

Text book case of trickle truth.

After your DNA redo and you are not the dad, I would have a court ordered
DNA test on the OM to stick him with the CS. And wouldn't it be a hoot if it
was not the OM but one of WW's drinking buying dance partners.

Oh to see WW deny there was more than one OM.


----------



## Evinrude58

My hope:

OP gets past this evil woman whom a pastor apparently can't see is an evil woman.

The twins father is identified and back child support is imposed.

The "wife" is identified as the liar she is and has to work for a living and isn't able to party it up, possibly even being required to do a little parenting for once.

OP finds a good person and can't believe he ever settled for such a rotten wife in the past, is happy and fulfilled, with no worries of his new wife ever betraying him.


----------



## jparistotle

You need to expose them all to this situation and make sure they are aware of how much damage they are all responsible for. This is not a game. They in part, in addition to your soon to be ex wife, responsible for the destruction of three lives Yours and the twins. how they could make fun situation hidden from you and the kids is reprehensible. Now they want to sweep it under the rug. They should look at themselves. They are bullies and pure evil.


----------



## personofinterest

jparistotle said:


> You need to expose them all to this situation and make sure they are aware of how much damage they are all responsible for. This is not a game. They in part, in addition to your soon to be ex wife, responsible for the destruction of three lives Yours and the twins. how they could make fun situation hidden from you and the kids is reprehensible. Now they want to sweep it under the rug. They should look at themselves. They are bullies and pure evil.


100% agree


----------



## hinterdir

I haven't read this thread in a couple of weeks and I just skimmed through the last 10 pages or so only reading the OP's updates. So she's admitted to physical affairs and the kids are not even yours. You probably mentioned it in the details in the beginning page as to how old the (twins?) are? I was curious as to what your decision will be regarding them? I know you plan to divorce her now, to be honest I would divorce my wife for even going to bars and dancing with other men and getting drinks from them, that is unfaithfulness to me, but have you bonded with these kids enough to where you are going to still want visitation and to stay in their lives or are you considering that these are some other man's kids and you are just making a full break.....her and the kids too? 

What are the paternity laws in your state? Once these are proven to be someone else's kids are you off free or is this one of those states to where they'll still try and make you pay child support to raise someone else's kids?


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

....So, I was hoping for an update on the MIL.

Any chance of finding some crow for her to eat? And just think, her parenting skill led to a daughter who did this! lol


I'm still fightin' for ya OP. You are going to be so much happier when you surround yourself with "REAL" people who love and cherish you.


----------



## Jharp

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator note* for @Jharp It is *not* tripe. It is part of the forum rules that all people who post on type agree to follow when they sign up for TAM.



Fair enough. I too moderate on a Forum site and I can respect your rules. Just seems kind of weird though. I mean this site is supposedly for adults discussing adult problems, yet a rule that seems geared toward juveniles. *Shrugs* But whatever. I know Moderating isn't easy so I won't make a fuss about it.


----------



## OnTheRocks

I agree that scratching cusswords, and even bans for spelling around them, seems out of place given the content of some of the discussions that go on here, but I have learned to live with it. LOL

I really feel for the OP. He seems to be handling this s-storm way better than I could.


----------



## Kamstel

Matt-Matt
I try to follow the rules, but the swearing does seem foolish to me as well.

Do you think that the topic of changing this rule might be a good one to bring up for discussion among the powers that be?

Maybe to get a sense of the members a simple poll question might be placed here

Thanks


----------



## Beach123

I'm wondering about an update too. 

Normally when a poster vanishes in these situations indicates they likely took back the cheating spouse.

Makes me wonder if that's what happened now.


----------



## BruceBanner

Beach123 said:


> I'm wondering about an update too.
> 
> Normally when a poster vanishes in these situations indicates they likely took back the cheating spouse.
> 
> Makes me wonder if that's what happened now.


He literally made a post yesterday.


----------



## Shipwrecked

You need legal advice NOW. Is it possible to get a restraining order stating she cannot travel with the children outside the residential area (or have grandparents take the children temporarily) on the grounds that you are beginning divorce procedings and she has clearly stated on multiple occasions that she intends to ‘kidnap’ the children and flee the area. 

I can’t find any laws prohibiting a spouse from taking the children anywhere (except possibly out of the country). Which makes sense under normal conditions. 

I had a VERY bad feeling when you said your wife handles all the finances. 
As a CPA, I have seen what one angry spouse can do to financially cripple the other in only a day or two. 
Bank accounts are emptied, credit cards are cancelled or reported stolen and frozen. 
Hopefully you are listed on property deed and any vehicle titles. 

Have you looked at your bank statements regularly? Are you confident that you know where all the money has gone? Recognize all credit cards, all transfers out, all payees? 
Sorry. I don’t mean to upset you. Divorces can bring out the worst in some people and finances tend be an easy way to hurt someone. Just protect yourself.

Advice- If you do file for divorce, some states allow infidelity to impact calculation of alimony. So don’t have a revenge affair (pretty sure that’s not on your agenda but some spouses do). If your wife has worked part-time to be with the children and gets shared custody, it’s highly possible you will have to pay alimony plus child support. 
Unless DNA shows you are not the father I assume. 

You have my deepest sympathy. Your wife and her friends are immature narcissists. 
Lawyer up.


----------



## GusPolinski

Looks like this thread might be glitching out.


----------



## Kamstel

So it is not just me? I too am having problems


----------



## Kamstel

Has the second set of DNA tests been scheduled?


----------



## Stormguy2018

oldtruck said:


> Standard WW trickle truth. Throw out a few crumbs. Admitting to something minimum. It was a ONS.
> I haven't seem him since then or know how to contact OM. Barf.


Amen brother.


----------



## personofinterest

BruceBanner said:


> He literally made a post yesterday.


People get so impatient.

At one place, I have seen a poster not post for ONE HOUR only to have vets say "are you even listening? Have you done X yet? If you are not going to take our advice we are not going to waste our time with you!"

Not all of us can post non-stop all day and achieve a post count in the hundreds of thousands.

Because we have lives lol


----------



## Stormguy2018

Goodhealth, there's something really wrong with your wife. Mentally.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

GusPolinski said:


> Looks like this thread might be glitching out.


 Yup, I'm showing "post 396 of 389". Unless they switched over to common core math there is a problem.


----------



## Shoyoself

Rubix Cubed said:


> Yup, I'm showing "post 396 of 389". Unless they switched over to common core math there is a problem.


Same here. I couldn’t see any new posts to this thread, then changed themes and I can see them but the numbers are screwy.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Yeah, It was stuck on page 26 for me for a day or two, even though the latest posts were more recent than that. And it soulds like Goodhealth reported that his wife did something recently, but I can't see that post.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

Waiting for the wifey ambush...."You may have been getting seconds, but you were first in my heart!" ROFL. 


GoodHealth, do not be surprized when she shows up with a sexy dress and a bottle of wine. She will need the time to set things up.....


Stay strong and continue 180 along with NC....Just keep the attorney in the loop.


----------



## Shipwrecked

aine said:


> There should be no secrets between husbands and wives, period


Nor should a spouse (either sex) go out at night to clubs and bars with friends without their spouse’s complete agreement/approval. 
No one would forbid a spouse a boys’ or girls’ night if they were comfortable with the situation and trusted their partner. 
But watching your spouse put extra effort into dressing for the evening, obviously leaving the house in ‘hunting attire’, a definite relationship no-no. And in a healthy marriage the stay at home spouse has a right to say ‘I don’t want you to do that, it upsets me.’ And that should be enough. 

I’ve always liked going out with my husband. Even if I’m going with a bunch female friends I usually ask him to come along. 

OPs wife is an immature, selfish woman who shows her lack of class and her own lack of self-esteem by trolling in bars for the alcohol-fueled approval of strangers. 

Dump the ho.


----------



## Shipwrecked

Good idea about being checked by a doctor. Did lawyer suggest that? After reading that wife and lover ‘had agreement’ to always use condoms because she knew HE SLEPT AROUND... I got that feeling like you might puke if you keep thinking about it. 
STBXW was selfish (and ****ty) enough to put OP health at risk by having unprotected sex (at least some of the time, using twins as evidence) with a man*****. 
Hope he gets a clean bill of health.


----------



## Shipwrecked

The issue of cutting ties or maintaining custody of children who are not biologically yours, after being lied to about it - it is difficult. 
For some reason, I have thought from the very beginning that the OP should cut ties. He needs to forget his STBXW ever existed, get a fresh start, working one job, having a few nights and weekends for himself to go out (go to a sports bar, have a beer, yell at the refs on tv with all the other patrons). Get some good nights’ sleep. Be selfish - think about just himself for awhile. Maybe even save a little money. 

There was a discussion of affair babies on another thread here (I think it got deleted) but from the BW side and the WH’s affair child. As a wife & mother, I know 100% I could not accept my spouse’s child from an affair. 
The argument that the child is innocent is true but when it is a daily reminder of my spouse’s betrayal - my accepting the child into my life could very well be more harmful than good to the child.


----------



## Decorum

Your wife would betray you financially without remorse.

She wishes you would just go away.

She will not like having this as an unchangeable part of her history.

She will call you one day in the future to "apologize" in an effort to makeover her image.

You will not be the object of her regret. Like everything in this affair she will be the beneficiary of her actions.

No matter how sincere she seems.

Point that out to her.

If you accept her apology her story will be, "we eventually parted on good terms, we both realze the relationship had run it course and it was time to move on. Sure I wish I had done it differently. He really was a good guy."

Cheating changes you, it's difficult and unusual for someone to be honest with themself thereafter.

This is why true remorse is so painful, and so painful to observe.


----------



## Goodhealth

Not to much to update at this point. I do not have official dna results yet. Once I do that will help me with how to proceed with the kids. My lawyer does not expect different results from the mail in kit. I am hoping to be their dad but trying to not expect it. 

I see a doctor on Tuesday next week. So no results there either. 

I have been meeting with my pastor without my wife. He is helpful to talk to. My brother is solid also.

I have not seen any other counselor. If my mother in law found out she would tell everyone and use that as proof of me being a problem.

My wife’s mother is trying to get her to play hardball and back out on her promise to not fight things. Her mom thinks I am making a fool out of us and both families with the dna test stuff. She is convinced the kids are mine also as they look more like me than my wife. She says everyone can see that and we didn’t need to waste money on any of the tests.

My pastor has been talking to my wife also. She says she is coming back to church and stopping going out. She is also trying to get back to a full time job. She thinks I will change my mind about the divorce when the test comes back to show me as the kids dad. No way I can see that happening. 

My pastor thinks she will honor her agreement to not fight things. I hope that is the case. She can’t stop the divorce, but can make it slower and be a pain in the neck I suppose. 

I am having trouble sleeping and eating and keep getting nervous feeling randomly. I am hoping that goes away once I get the official results and know for absolute sure. If the kids are not mine, I just cannot keep working two jobs to pay her so she can shack up with some other guy or her ex boyfriend while I pay them. I would like to see the kids in some fashion though, just not sure if that will work out.

I have been considering trying to get a CDL. From what I am hearing the job market is good now for drivers and I could make more money and also get out a bit more but still have this place as home.

I do have a lawyer as posted before he seems real good. So I am getting legal advice to know what to do. 

There is just no way I could get back with her. I have discussed it with my parents and brother. I do believe that she would have left me for him if he wanted her to. While she also blames him for pursuing her, she also says stuff like he wouldn’t have faked using a condom or would have told her if one broke or whatever. Its like she still thinks he is a good guy in some way? So even if I was stupid enough to try to fix it with her, she would just do this crap again whenever he felt like it. 

I did call the other husbands and the boyfriend of her her group to start with. The boyfriend dumped his ho. They are still broke up from what I know. One of the husbands called me a liar and said his wife denied everything. I also tried calling them to see if they knew anything that could help me two said they would call me back and I never heard back from either one of them. Maybe I should call them and tell them again, but I feel like I did that already.

I will follow back up again when I get results from the tests.


----------



## Shipwrecked

I hope everything turns out well and he walks away free, clear and never has to look back. 
Would be wonderful if he could sue for restitution for the financial support he provided for the children - not saying it wasn’t necessary or he shouldn’t have done it given the situation - but due to the wife’s knowledge and duplicity. Even if she and the biological father can’t/won’t pay - put in a legal claim and put pressure on them. Makem em sweat. Make her really need to go to that ex-lover and try to trick HIM into marrying her.
Goodhealth deserves a chance to take some time to sit back with his brother and friends he never had time for before and have a laugh at her expense.

STBXW is an insecure woman who has always TRIED to get by on her looks rather than ever working to better herself. (She quit college, lost her ‘good’ job, wouldn’t finish her degree because it had been “too long”.-I went back to night school 17 yrs later to finish my degree. Takes a little effort). I say TRIED to get by because she appears to have a small herd of ex-lovers, almost surely many ONS or ‘flings’ before or during marriage, but none stayed. 
She tried to entice OP back with photos and offers of great sex. (Who she also hooked with great acting and great sex).
Does this woman have shame? No self-worth? No self-esteem? Her mother obviously did a truly magnificent job of teaching her values, morals, what compassion is, what empathy is? The difference between love and sex?

Good luck, Goodhealth, and may the Universe smile upon you. 
And may Karma find your STBXW and kick her ass.


----------



## TDSC60

Just wanted to say a quick word about the pastor. I'm sure he is a good man and I am sure he is highly educated.

My uncle was a pastor and my brother is a pastor.

I know you know that the cornerstone of christian religion is forgiveness. Most pastors take that as the first step. But the problem is that they also take it as forgiveness leads to reconciliation. In most circumstances that may be true. But once the line of adultery is crossed, some men cannot go forward with a new marriage and maintain their self respect. And that is something you have to do for yourself. Maintain your self respect.

You can forgive, but that does not mean you have to stay married.


----------



## Andy1001

TDSC60 said:


> Just wanted to say a quick word about the pastor. I'm sure he is a good man and I am sure he is highly educated.
> 
> My uncle was a pastor and my brother is a pastor.
> 
> I know you know that the cornerstone of christian religion is forgiveness. Most pastors take that as the first step. But the problem is that they also take it as forgiveness leads to reconciliation. In most circumstances that may be true. But once the line of adultery is crossed, some men cannot go forward with a new marriage and maintain their self respect. And that is something you have to do for yourself. Maintain your self respect.
> 
> You can forgive, but that does not mean you have to stay married.


I mean no disrespect to your brother or your uncle.
By their very existence these people need to preach forgiveness,understanding,and above all the sanctity of marriage.
They judge themselves by their altruistic intentions.In other words if their own wife hypothetically cheated,they believe they would be capable of forgiving her.Everything is aimed at preventing a break up of the marriage, or failing that smoothing the pathway towards an ill thought reconciliation.
This is complete and utter bull****.
Until it happens to you don’t tell another man to suck it up and eat the **** sandwich.
This pastor is not a suitable person for @Goodhealth to put his trust in.He has his own agenda and will not deviate from it.


----------



## Cynthia

TDSC60 said:


> Just wanted to say a quick word about the pastor. I'm sure he is a good man and I am sure he is highly educated.
> 
> My uncle was a pastor and my brother is a pastor.
> 
> I know you know that the cornerstone of christian religion is forgiveness. Most pastors take that as the first step. But the problem is that they also take it as forgiveness leads to reconciliation. In most circumstances that may be true. But once the line of adultery is crossed, some men cannot go forward with a new marriage and maintain their self respect. And that is something you have to do for yourself. Maintain your self respect.
> 
> You can forgive, but that does not mean you have to stay married.


This is an excellent post regarding a serious problem in the Church today. Forgiveness is equated with reconciliation when that is not the case. As Christians we must forgive, but that is completely different from reconciliation. In fact, if someone is mistreating us we are to confront and encourage that person to repent. If they don't repent, we apply more pressure by bringing other people into. We are not to cover up for the other person to protect their privacy. The opposite is true. We are to bring others into it to reason with the offender and encourage repentance. If that person still refused to repent, we are to cut off relationship. I don't know why this is so hard for pastors and other Christians to understand!


----------



## OutofRetirement

Goodhealth said:


> I have been meeting with my pastor without my wife. He is helpful to talk to. My brother is solid also.
> 
> I have not seen any other counselor. If my mother in law found out she would tell everyone and use that as proof of me being a problem.
> 
> My wife’s mother is trying to get her to play hardball ... She is convinced the kids are mine ... and we didn’t need to waste money on any of the tests.
> 
> My pastor has been talking to my wife also. She says she is coming back to church and stopping going out. She is also trying to get back to a full time job. She thinks I will change my mind about the divorce
> 
> I am having trouble sleeping and eating and keep getting nervous feeling randomly.
> 
> I have been considering trying to get a CDL.
> 
> she still thinks he is a good guy in some way? So even if I was stupid enough to try to fix it with her, she would just do this crap again whenever he felt like it.
> 
> Maybe I should call them and tell them again, but I feel like I did that already.


You've just had a traumatic event. Learning that your kids aren't yours is possibly the worst trauma there is. There can't be too much worse than that.

So be kind to yourself. You are doing very well. This is a long process and you're on a good path. You will get there, step by step.

As far as talking with your pastor and brother, and not a counselor, you just do what you feel is best for you now. As far as calling back those other turds, I personally would let them wallow in their own stink, but call them if you want to. You are under no obligation.

If you feel up to starting the process of getting a CDL, go ahead. I think that's a great idea. I do believe keeping busy is half the battle.


----------



## TDSC60

Andy1001 said:


> I mean no disrespect to your brother or your uncle.
> *By their very existence these people need to preach forgiveness,understanding,and above all the sanctity of marriage.*
> They judge themselves by their altruistic intentions.In other words if their own wife hypothetically cheated,they believe they would be capable of forgiving her.Everything is aimed at preventing a break up of the marriage, or failing that smoothing the pathway towards an ill thought reconciliation.
> This is complete and utter bull****.
> Until it happens to you don’t tell another man to suck it up and eat the **** sandwich.
> This pastor is not a suitable person for @Goodhealth to put his trust in.He has his own agenda and will not deviate from it.


The bolded part is partially true. The sanctity of marriage is not an "above all" consideration. Once the marriage vows are violated to the extent of adultery, that is where pastors as counselors differ - greatly. (OP said pastor - not priest, so I am assuming he is not Catholic).

My brother (the pastor) and I have often discussed the ramifications of adultery because adultery on the part of his wife is what ended the marriage of my youngest brother.

There is much he considers as part of his job, but the final goal is to help the couple move past the adultery to a happier life whether together or divorced. He does not preach "stay married no matter what".


----------



## Wazza

Randy Lafever said:


> I guess if you see your relationship to your child as merely financial support then you could rationalize it by saying the real father should pay. My children are the only people who love me, how could I betray them just to punish their mother?


It depends whether you see them as your children, or whether the rest changes everything. It’s not a rationalization to decide that they are not your kids therefore not your liability. It’s a very personal decision.


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth,

As I said you have turned a corner now.

Most of the big events, the hard things you still have to do will happen in their own time, and in proper order.

I.e., DNA results, divorce, employment, living arrangements, etc.

They are somewhat out of your control, you know what you will likely do, and can act on them when it makes sence. Perhaps you will make some "in flight corrections", at that time.

Dont spend alot of energy second guessing yourself for now.

Fly at 50,000 feet and keep the big picture in view.

Get on with living your life, make healthy choices, start working on yourself to implement the changes that will be best for you, regardless of the outcome of events.

Improve yourself, eat better, work out, look into better employment. Just one foot in front of the other.

We truly do want to see you in "goodhealth", that will be best for you and everyone you care about.

I really wish you well!
Take care.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Count on your wife getting really nasty once she sees there's no going back. Her promise not to fight you is as worthless as her wedding vows, or her promise not to invite past lovers to the wedding. Deep down, your wife is rotten to the core. She's only putting on an act for you, just so things might return to the way they were. She couldn't care less about your welfare or what she's done to you--she cares only about herself. The mask will come off soon.


----------



## BluesPower

Tatsuhiko said:


> Count on your wife getting really nasty once she sees there's no going back. Her promise not to fight you is as worthless as her wedding vows, or her promise not to invite past lovers to the wedding. Deep down, your wife is rotten to the core. She's only putting on an act for you, just so things might return to the way they were. She couldn't care less about your welfare or what she's done to you--she cares only about herself. The mask will come off soon.


Amen to this. I suspect that when the final DNA results come in and she cannot deny it any longer, yeah, she is going to get nasty. 

Fact is that she is only denying now because she thinks she can get him to back down. 

She has known all along that these kids are not his, or she suspected it strongly. 

When this happens, OP, you have to stand strong...


----------



## Wazza

Goodhealth said:


> My wife’s mother is trying to get her to play hardball and back out on her promise to not fight things. Her mom thinks I am making a fool out of us and both families with the dna test stuff. She is convinced the kids are mine also as they look more like me than my wife. She says everyone can see that and we didn’t need to waste money on any of the tests.


I would not personally worry about what the mother in law thinks. She’s going to spin it as she will. Whatever the second test says, the daughter has already been shown to be unfaithful,manipulative and a liar. Perhaps MIL has always excused her daughter’s bad behaviour, and this upbringing is part of the problem.


----------



## Andy1001

CynthiaDe said:


> This is an excellent post regarding a serious problem in the Church today. Forgiveness is equated with reconciliation when that is not the case. As Christians we must forgive, but that is completely different from reconciliation. In fact, if someone is mistreating us we are to confront and encourage that person to repent. If they don't repent, we apply more pressure by bringing other people into. We are not to cover up for the other person to protect their privacy. The opposite is true. We are to bring others into it to reason with the offender and encourage repentance. If that person still refused to repent, we are to cut off relationship. I don't know why this is so hard for pastors and other Christians to understand!


I have always been led to believe that when you decide to forgive someone this means you can’t punish them any more.In this case the op’s wife has treated him terribly from the day they got married.She brought her ex lover to the wedding and actually posed along with him and her new husband for a photo so that her toxic friends could have a laugh.She screwed other men for the entirety of the marriage and conceived her lovers children.She then left him at home,babysitting another mans children while she searched high and low for her boyfriend.
She hasn’t had any punishment worth talking about and if this pastor has his way she won’t.
It would take someone with the godliness of St Francis of Assisi combined with St Theresa of Lisieux to even consider forgiving this evil,lying,cheating excuse for a human being.
You say as Christians you are meant to forgive.
Who in the world could forgive this woman?


----------



## Wazza

Goodhealth said:


> I did call the other husbands and the boyfriend of her her group to start with. The boyfriend dumped his ho. They are still broke up from what I know. One of the husbands called me a liar and said his wife denied everything. I also tried calling them to see if they knew anything that could help me two said they would call me back and I never heard back from either one of them. Maybe I should call them and tell them again, but I feel like I did that already.


I’d let it go. My experience at the time of my wife’s affair was that people’s responses were always with an agenda. If the other two said they would get back to you then didn’t, odds are they want this to just go away. The alternative is that they have a hard look at their own lives. 

You’ve done what you can. If the second DNA test confirms the first (which we all expect) that will speak volumes.


----------



## Wazza

Andy1001 said:


> I have always been led to believe that when you decide to forgive someone this means you can’t punish them any more.In this case the op’s wife has treated him terribly from the day they got married.She brought her ex lover to the wedding and actually posed along with him and her new husband for a photo so that her toxic friends could have a laugh.She screwed other men for the entirety of the marriage and conceived her lovers children.She then left him at home,babysitting another mans children while she searched high and low for her boyfriend.
> She hasn’t had any punishment worth talking about and if this pastor has his way she won’t.
> It would take someone with the godliness of St Francis of Assisi combined with St Theresa of Lisieux to even consider forgiving this evil,lying,cheating excuse for a human being.
> You say as Christians you are meant to forgive.
> Who in the world could forgive this woman?


Forgiving is a complex notion. You don’t need to hate her to (a) recognise that she has done wrong (b) has totally destroyed trust and (c) has given GH the absolute right to hold her accountable by ending the marriage.


----------



## Marc878

It's funny how they always find God. She'll be quoting scripture next.

That will last about as long as it takes the ink to dry on the D papers.

Nice job in making a decision.

The other husbands "not so much".


----------



## Decorum

Condom failure can be anything from complete loss of structural integrity (comming apart in your hand), to small fractures allowing the contents to escape (pin prick size).

From slipping out of the bun, to spilling the mustard, as it were.

You can never be sure unless you do a post coital leaktest.


----------



## The Middleman

Decorum said:


> Condom failure can be anything from complete loss of structural integrity (comming apart in your hand), to small fractures allowing the contents to escape (pin prick size).
> 
> From slipping out of the bun, to spilling the mustard, as it were.
> 
> You can never be sure unless you do a post coital leaktest.


 The POS wife's instance that the POSOM wore a condom and couldn't be the father is bull****. Condom failure that can cause a pregnancy would really need to be a broken one, and a woman knows when the condom breaks at least after sex (been there), or when your not wearing one going in (also been there). We all know that most affair sex is willingly unprotected sex, and given the lack of respect his POSWW exhibits towards GH, there is no doubt in my mind that she intentionally had unprotected sex with the POSOM, knowingly had his kids, and intentionally duped GH. She thinks he's a fool. 

To those telling GH not to take it out on the kids (don't abandon them), well ... actions have consequences and his POSWW has seen to it that her children suffer the consequences. I don't use this term easily in this case, but these kids are collateral damage.


----------



## BluesPower

Wazza said:


> Forgiving is a complex notion. You don’t need to hate her to (a) recognise that she has done wrong (b) has totally destroyed trust and (c) has given GH the absolute right to hold her accountable by ending the marriage.


Forgiveness and hate or lack of, have nothing to do with each other. 

And forgiveness IMHO has to be asked for, and that does not mean that you forget it either. Only God is capable of doing that. 

What does he have to forgive? She has not really asked for it. SHE is not changing her ways, SHE KNOWS THAT THOSE KIDS ARE NOT GH's. 

I mean, Good god this women is a monster...


----------



## Tatsuhiko

There was no condom failure. She had sex with the guy many times without a condom. She's just a liar. She never knew whether he was the father or not, but it didn't matter since she had a patsy. She thought it was funny enough to joke about. That's just who she is. Not worthy of a marriage to anyone.


----------



## Andy1001

Decorum said:


> Condom failure can be anything from complete loss of structural integrity (comming apart in your hand), to small fractures allowing the contents to escape (pin prick size).
> 
> From slipping out of the bun, to spilling the mustard, as it were.
> 
> You can never be sure unless you do a post coital leaktest.


I’ll tell you a more reliable form of preventing an unwanted pregnancy. 
Don’t let anyone other than your husband stick his penis in your vagina.


----------



## TRy

Decorum said:


> Condom failure can be anything from complete loss of structural integrity (comming apart in your hand), to small fractures allowing the contents to escape (pin prick size).


 Why is it that following lie after lie, when evidence forces a cheater to admit that they were lying before, so many honest people feel compelled to discuss the lying cheaters next self-serving rediculous version with respect? She says that she believed that the kid’s were the OP’s because you must trust her when she says that the other man always had a condom on. Never mind that the cheated on spouse only knew to do the DNA testing because the cheater bragged to her friends that the children were the other man’s, thus proving that she knew. Do we really need for the cheater to admit to the truth, before we acknowledge that the cheater is obviously lying?

Either she knew that the condom broke or more likely a condom was not used. Regardless, she knew that the children were the other man’s and lied about it until the OP could prove otherwise.


----------



## Decorum

TRy said:


> Why is it that following lie after lie, when evidence forces a cheater to admit that they were lying before, so many honest people feel compelled to discuss the lying cheaters next self-serving rediculous version with respect? She says that she believed that the kid’s were the OP’s because you must trust her when she says that the other man always had a condom on. Never mind that the cheated on spouse only knew to do the DNA testing because the cheater bragged to her friends that the children were the other man’s, thus proving that she knew. Do we really need for the cheater to admit to the truth, before we acknowledge that the cheater is obviously lying?
> 
> Either she knew that the condom broke or more likely a condom was not used. Regardless, she knew that the children were the other man’s and lied about it until the OP could prove otherwise.


I will explain myself,

Mine was a dead pan tongue in cheek, because it is a ridiculously self-limiting statement, and I was amused at it.

That said, it never ceases to amaze me how easy it can be for someone in the thick of it to overlook the obvious.

It is often an overwhelming situation, with a lot of processing underway.

But yes, it's total crap.

What I was really hoping for, was for someone to ask me how exactly the "leak test" is performed. Lol.


----------



## The Middleman

Decorum said:


> What I was really hoping for, was for someone to ask me how exactly the "leak test" is performed. Lol.


Ok, I’ll bite: How is the leak test performed? >


----------



## Decorum

The Middleman said:


> Ok, I’ll bite: How is the leak test performed? >


Ha ha ha. It's been awhile hope you're doing well.

At this point everyone will just have to use their imagination. Lol.


I hope you were not disappointed.


----------



## Kamstel

Just a few things....

First , what does the MIL suggest as hardball? One DNA test has already proven he is not the father. All the STBXW could do is delay the second DNA test as it would ultimately be ordered by the court.

Is she suggesting the STBXW play hardball with child support and alimony? They aren’t there yet and they will be decided by the court, and I did a very cursory look at alimony and child support in that state. It appears he has more than 2 years to go before he HAD TO have his name removed from the birth certificates. And Alimony? That is not looking good for the STBXW either. That state doesn’t award it often, and they have not been married that long, she did work full time before she gave birth to another man’s babies and can work full time again.

The STBXW is in a world of trouble. She should be getting a lawyer ASAP, not for the divorce, but to get child support from the actual father

MIL seems like she has become a bit unbalanced and is grasping at straws.



The other issue is the STBXW attending church again. Is there more than one service? You should continue with NC at all cost! I strongly suggest that you attend a different service or go to a different church in the same area!


----------



## Kamstel

Has STBXW been served yet, or are you waiting for DNA results first?


----------



## Ab10lah

I hope the OP will still go ahead with the Divorce irrespective of the second DNA test.


----------



## Shipwrecked

I find it laughable she wants GH to believe “it was only one time” and that the condom failed. 
Which leads me to questions - If one were to believe that, she is one of the most fertile women on Earth. Which then begs the question, if she is that fertile and wasn’t on the pill, why hadn’t she gotten pregnant by her husband? Leading to further ask - was she better at using condoms with GH, or did she not have time in her busy schedule to have sex at home? 

A comment above made me wonder if she got pregnant by the ex-boyfriend in the hope he would take her back.
Stranger women and things have happened. 

I know GH said he is never getting married again, and while I definitely think he needs time alone to heal from this nightmare, I just wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t write off all women because of this. There really are some kind, loyal, loving, and giving women out there who are really want to marry a man who is best friend, partner, soul mate. He doesn’t need to remarry but he shouldn’t let this damage his feelings about future relationships


----------



## sokillme

CynthiaDe said:


> This is an excellent post regarding a serious problem in the Church today. Forgiveness is equated with reconciliation when that is not the case. As Christians we must forgive, but that is completely different from reconciliation. In fact, if someone is mistreating us we are to confront and encourage that person to repent. If they don't repent, we apply more pressure by bringing other people into. We are not to cover up for the other person to protect their privacy. The opposite is true. We are to bring others into it to reason with the offender and encourage repentance. If that person still refused to repent, we are to cut off relationship. I don't know why this is so hard for pastors and other Christians to understand!


So true. It just annoys me. My other posts on here show pretty conclusively how in the old testament God didn't even allow for reconciliation. For some reason now Christians push for it. Yet there are so many instances where something was frowned on in the OT is preached against today. Not this though, they do the opposite.


----------



## HeartbrokenW

https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/as...t-yours-can-i-kick-my-spouse-out-of-my-house/

I've heard of this before.. dads being required to support kids even when dna proves they are not the father. 

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski

Goodhealth said:


> There is just no way I could get back with her. I have discussed it with my parents and brother. I do believe that she would have left me for him if he wanted her to.


Correct. That or they’d still be banging.

He bugged the **** out once she dropped that magic word:

Pregnant

On the way out he threw up the usual flares (i.e. I used condoms, condoms didn’t break, etc). I’m actually surprised he didn’t go with “Sorry, not mine. I got snipped after I knocked up my last baby mama.”

And that’s assuming he ever even said anything about having used condoms. I mean why would she even have to ask if he’d used condoms? Wouldn’t she _know_?!?

And Hell, it might not have even been _this guy_ that knocked her up — he could’ve been one of a couple (or more) of guys she was banging, and he’s the one that looks _least_ similar to the kids.



Goodhealth said:


> While she also blames him for pursuing her, she also says stuff like he wouldn’t have faked using a condom or would have told her if one broke or whatever. Its like she still thinks he is a good guy in some way?


Ha! She’s so ****ing dumb it’s hilarious.



Goodhealth said:


> So even if I was stupid enough to try to fix it with her, she would just do this crap again whenever he felt like it.


Yep.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

The next story you'll hear is that she was raped. How could you leave your wife after she was raped? What kind of man are you?


----------



## ABHale

Goodhealth said:


> KAmstel, as for the friend’s relationship. One of them has cut ties with the rest of the group. They all hate my guts for spoiling the fun. My wife is not spending anywhere near the time on her phone since I got back. The friend that got booted from her boyfriends is trying to get back with him and my wife says she’s not really responding much to the group right now except with poor me type stories. Her group did not go out or get together this weekend. Oddly enough my wife says the single friend is the one who seems to despise me the most right now. I didn’t have anyone to tell her crap stories to but she’s pissed about the group troubles I guess.


The single one is probably the ringleader. You broke up her little group she had fun with.


----------



## TDSC60

Decorum said:


> I will explain myself,
> 
> Mine was a dead pan tongue in cheek, because it is a ridiculously self-limiting statement, and I was amused at it.
> 
> That said, it never ceases to amaze me how easy it can be for someone in the thick of it to overlook the obvious.
> 
> It is often an overwhelming situation, with a lot of processing underway.
> 
> But yes, it's total crap.
> 
> *What I was really hoping for, was for someone to ask me how exactly the "leak test" is performed. Lol.*


When I read "leak test" many scenarios jumped into my mind.......most of them too gross to even mention. No way I was opening that can of worms on here.


----------



## The Middleman

HeartbrokenW said:


> https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/as...t-yours-can-i-kick-my-spouse-out-of-my-house/
> 
> I've heard of this before.. dads being required to support kids even when dna proves they are not the father.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


We all have heard of this. All I can say is that if it happened to me, I'd ignore the court order, quit the job, and leave the sate. If I have to work odd jobs for cash, for the rest of my life, I'd prefer that to paying for affair bastards. No court or government will get me to pay for a child that's not mine (step children excluded of course).


----------



## jlg07

sokillme said:


> So true. It just annoys me. My other posts on here show pretty conclusively how in the old testament God didn't even allow for reconciliation. For some reason now Christians push for it. Yet there are so many instances where something was frowned on in the OT is preached against today. Not this though, they do the opposite.


I think it depends on the individual, and not necessarily the Church itself.
I had a Catholic priest tell me (NOThing to do with cheating) that you should Forgive, but that doesn't mean forget or accept. Forgiveness is for YOU, NOT for the person you are forgiving.


----------



## Andy1001

Decorum said:


> Condom failure can be anything from complete loss of structural integrity (comming apart in your hand), to small fractures allowing the contents to escape (pin prick size).
> 
> From slipping out of the bun, to spilling the mustard, as it were.
> 
> You can never be sure unless you do a post coital leaktest.


Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A guy I know was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.


----------



## Kamstel

Think we need to refocus on GH.

Does it really matter about condum failure? The pos wife has admitted to sleeping with the scumbag since the 7th month of her marriage. Who cares if the condum failed once?

TWO DNA tests have already come back proving that H is not the biological father. There was one test per kid. An official one will be back shortly. He has said no matter what the next set of DNA tests say, the divorce is moving forward


Just keep moving forward! You are doing great!


----------



## sunsetmist

Tacking onto what others have said, forgiveness is for OP, not WW. Hopefully a state including forgiveness would eventually grant OP a modicum of peace after being endlessly, heinously treated. How exhausted, confused, overwhelmed OP must be--a nightmare indeed.


----------



## Decorum

Andy1001 said:


> Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
> A guy I know was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.


Too funny.

Maybe he should have used a different brand.

And 6 pages later...


----------



## Decorum

TDSC60 said:


> When I read "leak test" many scenarios jumped into my mind.......most of them too gross to even mention. No way I was opening that can of worms on here.


Thank you, in hindsight I had second thoughts myself. Lol.


----------



## Ab10lah

HeartbrokenW said:


> https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/as...t-yours-can-i-kick-my-spouse-out-of-my-house/
> 
> I've heard of this before.. dads being required to support kids even when dna proves they are not the father.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


A good lawyer should be able to protect his/her client from such injustice.

I hope this will not even be suggested in this particular OP's case because I don't want to imagine the added pain and humiliation of fighting to not have to (continue to) support kids that are not yours.


----------



## Kamstel

I’m not a lawyer, but I believe the cutoff in his state is when the kids turn 4. The kids aren’t even 2 yet.


----------



## just got it 55

The Middleman said:


> We all have heard of this. All I can say is that if it happened to me, I'd ignore the court order, quit the job, and leave the sate. If I have to work odd jobs for cash, for the rest of my life, I'd prefer that to paying for affair bastards. No court or government will get me to pay for a child that's not mine (step children excluded of course).


This is all Well & Good MM But your real children would suffer there is the ****.

55


----------



## sokillme

jlg07 said:


> I think it depends on the individual, and not necessarily the Church itself.
> I had a Catholic priest tell me (NOThing to do with cheating) that you should Forgive, but that doesn't mean forget or accept. Forgiveness is for YOU, NOT for the person you are forgiving.


I am all for forgiving. Not for giving them access to your life again.


----------



## sokillme

About the condom use what did she do close her eyes? Is she blind? I mean did the **** in the dark? Even still I don't know about you but there is the usual pause to put the damn thing on (a minor annoyance but still an annoyance) in my experience not sure how you could hide that exactly. Was she sleeping? I mean the story is too stupid to even believe. She doesn't say it broke, she says he told her he used it. She never saw it after they finished? Huh? 

It's obvious she says this because she doesn't want to even broach the possibility the the kids are not OPs, even though deep down she knows. She was making jokes about it for God's sake. Like the other poster said OP your wife is a special kind of stupid. And I'm sorry to say she thinks everyone including you are as dumb as her. Pathetic.


----------



## personofinterest

You know how she could have made sure she didnt have another guys kids?

BY NOT CHEATING

Who cares about the condom she keeps going on about? Don't cheat!!


----------



## Evinrude58

Ah, the weeping and gnashing of teeth that will occur when she finally figures out the jig is up, OP is not deaf and blind, and that he won't be duped by her forever.

I can almost hear how she's going to somehow twist reality into a scenario in which she was totally not at fault, DNA tests aren't reliable, she never cheated, and OP was just a really bad husband who didn't emotionally support her. She was guiltless. And her life was destroyed by OP. If she has to get a job and support herself, she will REALLY pour on the tears to anyone who will listen.

She is not the type to accept responsibility for her life and make some changes and better herself.

OP, whatever you do, don't take this woman back when she turns on the tears.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

When I was in the Fire Dept. We would have scenes where one of the victims of a car crash or industrial accident happened. They would go into a catatonic state and just start repeating..."This isn't real. This isn't real." Over and over. Something in the brain just goes click and one is left with the Ctrl-Alt-Delete. lol


Except this one will be worse with bastard kids and no child support....What a loser.


----------



## TDSC60

From OPs first post it appears that his wife was cheating within 2 years of getting married or maybe sooner. All the while laughing at his stupid feelings of love and trust for her.

There is no marriage to save. It has been a joke to her from the wedding (where a former lover attended) to the cheating with another Xlover.


----------



## tom72

Any update on the tests? Said you were finding out today.

Hope all is well

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk


----------



## AKA Broken Arrow

tom72 said:


> Any update on the tests? Said you were finding out today.
> 
> Hope all is well


If I'm not mistaken, I think he was referring to STD tests. DNA testing typically takes weeks to complete in my experience.


----------



## DailyGrind

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> If I'm not mistaken, I think he was referring to STD tests. DNA testing typically takes weeks to complete in my experience.




Why do you have so much experience with this?


----------



## AKA Broken Arrow

DailyGrind said:


> Why do you have so much experience with this?



Not to threadjack but in late 2016 I went into cardiac arrest in my sleep. I was 49 and healthy at the time. When I woke up from my medically induced coma 4 days later I was diagnosed with Brugada Syndrome which is a genetic heart defect that causes ventricular fibrillation that leads to cardiac arrest. I never knew I had it till then. I had to get tested so they could identify the mutated gene to determine if my twins have it or not.

My BW saved my life that night. My electrophysiologist said I’m one in a million.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> Not to threadjack but in late 2016 I went into cardiac arrest in my sleep. I was 49 and healthy at the time. When I woke up from my medically induced coma 4 days later I was diagnosed with Brugada Syndrome which is a genetic heart defect that causes ventricular fibrillation that leads to cardiac arrest. I never knew I had it till then. I had to get tested so they could identify the mutated gene to determine if my twins have it or not.
> 
> My BW saved my life that night. My electrophysiologist said I’m one in a million.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Was she a BW before or after that?


----------



## jlg07

sokillme said:


> I am all for forgiving. Not for giving them access to your life again.


Actually, that was EXACTLY his point. Not forgetting and accepting -- move on, but forgive in your OWN heart so that you don't let it fester and have it wound you.


----------



## AKA Broken Arrow

sokillme said:


> Was she a BW before or after that?



It was about a year after dday. We were still in a bad place but we were getting along that day and slept in the same bed thankfully. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TRy

personofinterest said:


> You know how she could have made sure she didnt have another guys kids?
> 
> BY NOT CHEATING
> 
> Who cares about the condom she keeps going on about? Don't cheat!!


I cannot like this comment enough. It is amazing how cheaters get otherwise intelligent people so side tracked that they lose track of the main point. “Who cares about the condom she keeps going on about? Don’t cheat!!” “NOT CHEATING” is the only 100% way not to “have another guys kids”.


----------



## Decorum

TRy said:


> I cannot like this comment enough. It is amazing how cheaters get otherwise intelligent people so side tracked that they lose track of the main point. “Who cares about the condom she keeps going on about? Don’t cheat!!” “NOT CHEATING” is the only 100% way not to “have another guys kids”.


Can of worms.


----------



## Goodhealth

No real updates yet, still waiting for official dna results. I did see my doctor for std stuff yesterday, and he was very understanding.


----------



## Cynthia

Goodhealth said:


> No real updates yet, still waiting for official dna results. I did see my doctor for std stuff yesterday, and he was very understanding.


Thanks for checking in. I hope you are holding up okay.


----------



## TRy

Remember that the OP started out this thread by titling it with a question "Not Really Cheating?". Because the OP "read this site" he has now learned that the children that he thought were his are really the children of an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with, and that after she told him that she was pregnant he "stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts" as she continued to try to pursue him. In answer to the question in the title, yes it was really cheating.


----------



## Taxman

In answer to to GH's original question, this was BEYOND cheating. This was wilful extortion of an innocent man. This was having a fun time with an old boyfriend and then fúcking over the poor shmuck that married you. I hope, that GH's former spouse pays and pays for this. I hope her girlfriends and the dïckwad that knocked her up end up in fates worse than death. I cannot imagine a worse betrayal, passing off another guy's spawn as your poor betrayed mate's, making the poor bastard love and support them, while your whóring ass knows the truth. May GH go off and have a great life, and may his ex know nothing but sorrow and penury. May the children be removed from her and given to a family that will raise them better than she ever could. I know I am an evil bastard for wishing this on them, but, their evil plans have been thwarted, and they are scurrying like rats trying to cover their worthless asses.


----------



## badmemory

Taxman said:


> May GH go off and have a great life, and may his ex know nothing but sorrow and penury. May the children be removed from her and given to a family that will raise them better than she ever could. I know I am an evil bastard for wishing this on them, but, their evil plans have been thwarted, and they are scurrying like rats trying to cover their worthless asses.


Don't sugarcoat it T. Tell us how you really feel.


----------



## sokillme

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> It was about a year after dday. We were still in a bad place but we were getting along that day and slept in the same bed thankfully.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You're lucky you didn't marry a different person.


----------



## sokillme

TRy said:


> Remember that the OP started out this thread by titling it with a question "Not Really Cheating?". Because the OP "read this site" he has now learned that the children that he thought were his are really the children of an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with, and that after she told him that she was pregnant he "stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts" as she continued to try to pursue him. In answer to the question in the title, yes it was really cheating.


OP will also eventually divorce this snake, and find someone new and hopefully post about how much better his life is. How he never knew what he was missing. Even if he doesn't post it I am sure he will think it. Again because he "read this site" and not some other one. You know the one where people stay miserable for years. Where every answer to the yearly repetitive questions posted about their WS is really, "Well you are married to and *******!" but of course they don't let you respond like that. 

Sorry I drops mic.


----------



## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> OP will also eventually divorce this snake, and find someone new and hopefully post about how much better his life is. How he never knew what he was missing. Even if he doesn't post it I am sure he will think it. Again because he "read this site" and not some other one. You know the one where people stay miserable for years. Where every answer to the yearly repetitive questions posted about their WS is really, "Well you are married to and *******!" but of course they don't let you respond like that.
> 
> Sorry I drops mic.


Are the Initials D and B? lol


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> Are the Initials D and B? lol


I was thinking S and I but yours work too.


----------



## seadoug105

sokillme said:


> I was thinking S and I but yours work too.


You mean the board that bans and/threatens to ban members for even generically acknowledging the existence of other forums dedicated to coping with and getting out of infidelity....

Yup! That's the one! If people don't know that their are alternative support tools that can help them live without infidelity... then they are in a way a captive audience.... and that keeps advertisers happy...

This ends the unplanned but duely acknowledged T/J!!.....


----------



## Marc878

Realization of what's coming won't be pleasant for your STBXW.

You're way to young to stay with this vile creature.

Beware of what she'll try next.


----------



## skerzoid

Taxman said:


> In answer to to GH's original question, this was BEYOND cheating. This was wilful extortion of an innocent man. This was having a fun time with an old boyfriend and then fúcking over the poor shmuck that married you. I hope, that GH's former spouse pays and pays for this. I hope her girlfriends and the dïckwad that knocked her up end up in fates worse than death. I cannot imagine a worse betrayal, passing off another guy's spawn as your poor betrayed mate's, making the poor bastard love and support them, while your whóring ass knows the truth. May GH go off and have a great life, and may his ex know nothing but sorrow and penury. May the children be removed from her and given to a family that will raise them better than she ever could. I know I am an evil bastard for wishing this on them, but, their evil plans have been thwarted, and they are scurrying like rats trying to cover their worthless asses.


T-Man: Don't hold back. Let us know how you really feel. :grin2:


----------



## BruceBanner

sokillme said:


> OP will also eventually divorce this snake, and find someone new and hopefully post about how much better his life is. How he never knew what he was missing. Even if he doesn't post it I am sure he will think it. Again because he "read this site" and not some other one. You know the one where people stay miserable for years. Where every answer to the yearly repetitive questions posted about their WS is really, "Well you are married to and *******!" but of course they don't let you respond like that.
> 
> Sorry I drops mic.


Pretty sure Goodhealth said he's never getting married again.


----------



## personofinterest

seadoug105 said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was thinking S and I but yours work too.
> 
> 
> 
> You mean the board that bans and/threatens to ban members for even generically acknowledging the existence of other forums dedicated to coping with and getting out of infidelity....
> 
> Yup! That's the one! If people don't know that their are alternative support tools that can help them live without infidelity... then they are in a way a captive audience.... and that keeps advertisers happy...
> 
> This ends the unplanned but duely acknowledged T/J!!.....
Click to expand...

Now add stalking and that would be another letter and a B


----------



## jsmart

Goodhealth said:


> After a bunch of discussion, it turns out that it was an old boyfriend that she was madly in love with years ago. He broke up with her and she never got closure to understand and move on. He started contacting her after we were married and she resisted until he told her he got a new tattoo that she inspired and he wanted her to see it. Her friends told her she should see it because they were all trying to guess what it was and she could finally get answers to her old questions. She swears it was never supposed to be more than that, but it was. * They had a deal that they would always use condoms because she said she didn't want to have to worry about this stuff and she knew he slept around.*
> 
> When she got pregnant and told him he confirmed that they were in the clear because they always used condoms and he never said anything about one breaking or anything like that.
> The kids do look like me
> The kids bonded well with me
> The kids have some manerisms that remind her of me so she is sure they are mine and this is a mistake with the home kits we used.
> 
> He also stopped contacting her and stopped returning her contacts after she told him she was pregnant. She thought maybe he was trying back off for us.
> 
> *After the baby was born, she dropped the weight and started going back out again. She admitted to looking for him but says it never worked out again.*
> 
> *She says he is the only one she cheated with. Other guys have bought her drinks and she has danced with them but says that is all.*
> She says her friends knew she was cheating but using protection and have assured her the kids must be mine also.


Do you honestly believe she used for protection with the guy she loved? That he was a worthless bad boy player, made her want him more. A woman in that mind frame is not going to want her man to wear anything.

_After the birth and losing the baby weight she looked for him but it didn't work out. _ Many are thinking that meant she never found him. Or that they didn't continue hooking up. Wrong, what she meant is she couldn't get him to commit. I bet she put on a full court press to win him over, including bring the twins to him and offering wanton level sex.

As for not cheating with anyone else since, I would not be surprised if she regularly "serviced" her baby daddy on all those GNO. 

You're busting your hump working 2 jobs to support her and unknowingly some other man's kids. Staying at home with the kids that are not yours so she can party and probably hookup with POS. What a beotch. 

To make matters worse, she has to heap additional scorn on you by making you a joke among her circle of friends. 

She has no freaking shame but she will. Her status is about to drop big time. From married mother to adulterous divorcee with affair children.


----------



## TDSC60

GH. Did anyone tell you when you might expect the DNA test results?

Even if the kids are your's (which I think is unlikely). Your wife has had a very long affair for most of your marriage which she tried to rekindle after the birth. And her excuse is that they agreed to always use a condom. Sick. The only reason she is not still in an affair is that she cannot find the guy now or he is hiding to avoid possible child support. No remorse or empathy at all.


----------



## Kamstel

Just wondering...
Did she try to sit next to you at church again yesterday? 

Hang in there. You will have to be strong this week. Good luck


----------



## Beach123

She's just a common liar.

Who cares what stories she comes up with as time goes along - she shouldn't be married to anyone!

She's stolen years from you! Don't allow her to waste any more of your time!


----------



## Taxman

I often reflect on final words, especially among my divorce cases. I have repeated this before, but I had a battling couple sitting in front of me. She was the WW, but was so damned entitled. She had the nerve, while we were going through the process of segregating assets (he was pushing for separation, and basically engaged me, and had them both watch as I systematically ascribed assets and liabilities to each). I could tell that the entire process was absolutely freaking her out, and she was actually trying to direct how he should react to her affair. She was saying they could stay together and that she would get him therapy. Then this idiot bïtch says, "its been two months, you should be over it by now, do you really want a divorce? He looked her straight in the face and said, "No, I do not wish to be divorced, I WANT TO BE WIDOWED!!!" She went several shades of red, then broke down crying. "You could not possibly mean that???" He continued, "Once Mr. Taxman here is done with his calculation, know that what he come up with is what you are getting". "If you cannot be gone from my life the way I want, I will discharge you from my life in this manner, and after this meeting, I consider our marriage dead." 

She was still entitled, and kept it up, stating that she refused to allow him to divorce her. He is now divorced. He is now in a new relationship. Her entitled ways put quite a roadblock in her life, he had to take a modicum of revenge, by sending his evidence of her affair, along with the pictures and print-outs, even pictures of her holding her breast in one hand asking her AP if he wanted them, too bad they really sagged, so he captioned the photo-MY SOON TO BE EX WIFE, MRS SAGGY TITS. She spent a lot of time where friends and family called her Saggy Tits behind her back. She is now eternally miffed, and says I will never take him back, he made everyone laugh at me. Yeah, and she is somewhat delusional as well.


----------



## TDSC60

Just bumping this to keep it near the top.

At least until the DNA test comes back.


----------



## jlg07

@Goodhealth, any updates? Most importantly, how are YOU doing?


----------



## TDSC60

@Goodhealth, how are you doing? We understand that divorce is a traumatic experience regardless of the circumstances. But you will get through it OK. You NEED to get through it OK. Unfortunately, your marriage has only been a convenience for your wife since the beginning. You have always been Plan B for her. You provide a nice home for her while she parties with her toxic friends and they all laugh at how naive and stupid you are not to see the truth. 

Any idea when the DNA results are due?

I hope you are not having second thoughts about the divorce.


----------



## Shoyoself

jlg07 said:


> @Goodhealth, any updates? Most importantly, how are YOU doing?


Same questions as above. Should be close to official result time. How are you holding up?


----------



## BruceBanner

TDSC60 said:


> Just bumping this to keep it near the top.
> 
> At least until the DNA test comes back.





jlg07 said:


> @Goodhealth, any updates? Most importantly, how are YOU doing?





TDSC60 said:


> @Goodhealth, how are you doing? We understand that divorce is a traumatic experience regardless of the circumstances. But you will get through it OK. You NEED to get through it OK. Unfortunately, your marriage has only been a convenience for your wife since the beginning. You have always been Plan B for her. You provide a nice home for her while she parties with her toxic friends and they all laugh at how naive and stupid you are not to see the truth.
> 
> Any idea when the DNA results are due?
> 
> I hope you are not having second thoughts about the divorce.





Shoyoself said:


> Same questions as above. Should be close to official result time. How are you holding up?


Why keep pestering him? I'm sure he will reply to this thread when he's ready to. No doubt he's emotionally drained enough. Let him have his rest or distance from this trainwreck of a situation.


----------



## OnTheRocks

Drama junkies.


----------



## Goodhealth

We got the official results. Sorry I just didn’t feel much like posting. The at home kit was correct. I’m not the father. She never apologized, guess that shouldn’t bother me. I thought I was prepared, but was still hoping I got it wrong with the home kit. This is really embarrassing. 

Not much left to say. She tried saying we couldn’t trust the results they may not be right, etc. 

She wasn’t in church last week and doesnt have a full time job yet. Also she doesnt have a lawyer yet. 

My mother in law has been quiet. I guess she doesn’t know what to say now. 

I can’t get divorced fast enough. 

I’ve really been thinking about getting a CDL but have decided to wait for the divorce to get done first.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Oh no GH... I am so so sorry, my heart breaks for you. Wow. What a piece of work she is...


----------



## Evinrude58

not much to say but that I’m glad you have some resolve about it. It’s incredible she could still deny the truth. She’s just incapable of admitting guilt, like all true narcissists.

You are going to find life more worth living than ever before, once you’re rid of her.

Don’t take this too hard. You will find this was the best gift you could receive. It just doesn’t seem like it now.


----------



## Tobyboy

Sorry to hear your not the father. And from what you’ve written about your wife, I don’t think she knows who the real father is either.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Sorry, man. The fact that your wife cannot even acknowlege her fraud or apologize tells you who you're dealing with. I think she knows exactly who the father is. A decent person would have fessed up by now.

I know your down but you should be DAMN PROUD at the way you handled this, starting with acting on your valid suspicions, all the way to talking to an attorney. Some men are suckered for an entire lifetime. Not you.


----------



## sunsetmist

Know you are devastated--there is no preparation for such as this. Your emptiness at the truth of total marriage betrayal must be overwhelming. You said you'd bonded with the children and they had your characteristics. You've been hoping against hope for 'better' news. (There is no apology that is sufficient!--amazed that you would expect one.)

The folks here, your family, others are supportive no matter what. You have been a hard working guy trying to make the best of a difficult situation. YOU have nothing about which to be embarrassed. Escape from this nightmare will be your salvation.


----------



## Marc878

Get a good lawyer so your aren't on the hook for her other mans kids.

Sorry man


----------



## skerzoid

Goodhealth said:


> We got the official results. Sorry I just didn’t feel much like posting. The at home kit was correct. I’m not the father. She never apologized, guess that shouldn’t bother me. I thought I was prepared, but was still hoping I got it wrong with the home kit. This is really embarrassing.
> 
> Not much left to say. She tried saying we couldn’t trust the results they may not be right, etc.
> 
> She wasn’t in church last week and doesnt have a full time job yet. Also she doesnt have a lawyer yet.
> 
> My mother in law has been quiet. I guess she doesn’t know what to say now.
> 
> I can’t get divorced fast enough.
> 
> I’ve really been thinking about getting a CDL but have decided to wait for the divorce to get done first.


1. Love for children is not based on paternity. They are still "your kids".

2. That being said, she is beneath contempt and deserves to be divorced for her treachery.

3. You can still show your love for those kids without shame, in fact it will shame her even more that infidelity cannot kill that decent part of you. Her decent part was apparently never born.

4. Some of the most decent and courageous men in history and legend were cheated on by their useless wives. You can still be a hero to those kids and hold your head high. Good luck.


----------



## BruceBanner

skerzoid said:


> 1. Love for children is not based on paternity. They are still "your kids".
> 
> 2. That being said, she is beneath contempt and deserves to be divorced for her treachery.
> 
> 3. You can still show your love for those kids without shame, in fact it will shame her even more that infidelity cannot kill that decent part of you. Her decent part was apparently never born.
> 
> 4. Some of the most decent and courageous men in history and legend were cheated on by their useless wives. You can still be a hero to those kids and hold your head high. Good luck.


Disagree. He should keep his pride as a man and go find an honest woman that will have HIS children. If paternity wasn't important to men then they would all just adopt. It's not his job or obligation to care for his wife's bastard children.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

BruceBanner said:


> skerzoid said:
> 
> 
> 
> 1. Love for children is not based on paternity. They are still "your kids".
> 
> 2. That being said, she is beneath contempt and deserves to be divorced for her treachery.
> 
> 3. You can still show your love for those kids without shame, in fact it will shame her even more that infidelity cannot kill that decent part of you. Her decent part was apparently never born.
> 
> 4. Some of the most decent and courageous men in history and legend were cheated on by their useless wives. You can still be a hero to those kids and hold your head high. Good luck.
> 
> 
> 
> Disagree. He should keep his pride as a man and go find an honest woman that will have HIS children. If paternity wasn't important to men then they would all just adopt. It's not his job or obligation to care for his wife's bastard children.
Click to expand...

Innocent Children > Pride any day of the week. So many life altering decisions that need to be made here but he is the dad at this point. There are millions of 'sperm donors' out there what the kids need is a real dad and sometimes real dad's dont share the same blood as their ki


----------



## personofinterest

". If paternity wasn't important to men then they would all just adopt."

Thank God my father is a better man than this disgusting attitude.

Signed,

An adopted person


----------



## BruceBanner

stillfightingforus said:


> Innocent Children > Pride any day of the week. So many life altering decisions that need to be made here but he is the dad at this point. There are millions of 'sperm donors' out there what the kids need is a real dad and sometimes real dad's dont share the same blood as their ki


You're right kids do need a real dad but that's not his responsibility. He has suffered enough and you're telling him he should sacrifice his wellbeing to take care of his ***** wife's dirty secret like some doormat? No ****ing way in hell. That would be going easy on her. Her punishment should be much heavier than that. If her kids want a father that badly then she should get up off of her ass and go find him.



personofinterest said:


> ". If paternity wasn't important to men then they would all just adopt."
> 
> Thank God my father is a better man than this disgusting attitude.
> 
> Signed,
> 
> An adopted person


Oh I just knew you would be replying soon. :laugh:


----------



## Oldtimer

GH, first off, I am so sorry for the situation you’ve been placed in and I know you hurt badly.
If you allow, let me tell you of my fatherhood issue. My XW has two children before we married,( not the same situation as you, but hear me out) wife and I had two more of our own and I had one from a high school relationship. After we divorced, I remarried and became the father of three more. 
The point I’m trying to make is that all of OUR children, my wife’s and mine total 8 even tho three are mine biologically and three are my wife’s biological. 
All eight of our children have an equal amount of unconditional love regardless of parentage.
Know that “any idiot can father a child, but it takes someone special to be a daddy”.
My two “non-biological sons opted to stay with me when their mother left and us and when I remarried, those two and the three biological sons of mine became my wife’s sons.
I hope you understand the point I’m trying to make.
It’s a tough row to hoe, but as I follow your thread from day one, I know whichever way you choose to deal with it, the choice will be made from your heart. 
Know that I and most if not all others here believe you to be a good man.


----------



## GusPolinski

Goodhealth said:


> We got the official results. Sorry I just didn’t feel much like posting. The at home kit was correct. I’m not the father. She never apologized, guess that shouldn’t bother me. I thought I was prepared, but was still hoping I got it wrong with the home kit. This is really embarrassing.
> 
> Not much left to say. She tried saying we couldn’t trust the results they may not be right, etc.
> 
> She wasn’t in church last week and doesnt have a full time job yet. Also she doesnt have a lawyer yet.
> 
> My mother in law has been quiet. I guess she doesn’t know what to say now.
> 
> I can’t get divorced fast enough.
> 
> I’ve really been thinking about getting a CDL but have decided to wait for the divorce to get done first.


Sorry man.


----------



## ABHale

personofinterest said:


> ". If paternity wasn't important to men then they would all just adopt."
> 
> Thank God my father is a better man than this disgusting attitude.
> 
> Signed,
> 
> An adopted person


I don’t know how to reply to this. 

Sorry but his wife has been and continues to cheat on him. The twins are a result of her cheating. What would you have him do?


----------



## GusPolinski

personofinterest said:


> ". If paternity wasn't important to men then they would all just adopt."
> 
> Thank God my father is a better man than this disgusting attitude.
> 
> Signed,
> 
> An adopted person


Are you your father's only child?


----------



## GusPolinski

BruceBanner said:


> You're right kids do need a real dad but that's not his responsibility. He has suffered enough and you're telling him he should sacrifice his wellbeing to take care of his ***** wife's dirty secret like some doormat? No ****ing way in hell. That would be going easy on her. Her punishment should be much heavier than that. If her kids want a father that badly then she should get up off of her ass and go find him.


It's very sad, but I'm forced to agree with this out of principle, though not *entirely* "in spirit".

If OP CHOOSES to continue to be a part of the kids' lives going forward, that's fine.

But he should not be FORCED to do so with either his time or any product of his time (i.e. his salary).


----------



## ABHale

This is the thing the woman always knows it’s her child. She gave birth and just loves the child, most of the time. 

All the husband can do is hope his wife has been faithful. It’s a this is my child not ya that’s the POS my wife cheated with child. 

Sorry but it is a big deal to a father to know that the kids are his.

If the husband can get over the cheating part then great. The child is loved hopefully by both. If the husband can’t get past the cheating where a child was the outcome of it. Then the BH shouldn’t be held accountable for that child. The man that fathered the child should be. 

There are threads on TAM where a wife won’t except the child her husband had with another woman. Then there is one that opened her arms wide for the child when the OW died. She is the only one that I have ever heard of that excepted the OW’s child. 

So where quite a few men have been able to raise another man’s child as their own. Most women would never raise the child of their husbands affair partner by what I have read on TAM and other sites.


----------



## ABHale

Oldtimer said:


> GH, first off, I am so sorry for the situation you’ve been placed in and I know you hurt badly.
> If you allow, let me tell you of my fatherhood issue. My XW has two children before we married,( not the same situation as you, but hear me out) wife and I had two more of our own and I had one from a high school relationship. After we divorced, I remarried and became the father of three more.
> The point I’m trying to make is that all of OUR children, my wife’s and mine total 8 even tho three are mine biologically and three are my wife’s biological.
> All eight of our children have an equal amount of unconditional love regardless of parentage.
> Know that “any idiot can father a child, but it takes someone special to be a daddy”.
> My two “non-biological sons opted to stay with me when their mother left and us and when I remarried, those two and the three biological sons of mine became my wife’s sons.
> I hope you understand the point I’m trying to make.
> It’s a tough row to hoe, but as I follow your thread from day one, I know whichever way you choose to deal with it, the choice will be made from your heart.
> Know that I and most if not all others here believe you to be a good man.


I agree with most of what you have said. 

The problem is that his wife has cheated on him their entire short marriage. The only children they have are a result of her cheating not from a previous relationship. 

You see it in his last post, he was hoping the kids were his. He loves the twins, he just cannot stay with the cheating ***** that is his soon to be ex. He wants to turn his back and walk away never too see his ex again.


----------



## Ab10lah

Oldtimer said:


> GH, first off, I am so sorry for the situation you’ve been placed in and I know you hurt badly.
> If you allow, let me tell you of my fatherhood issue. My XW has two children before we married,( not the same situation as you, but hear me out) wife and I had two more of our own and I had one from a high school relationship. After we divorced, I remarried and became the father of three more.
> The point I’m trying to make is that all of OUR children, my wife’s and mine total 8 even tho three are mine biologically and three are my wife’s biological.
> All eight of our children have an equal amount of unconditional love regardless of parentage.
> Know that “any idiot can father a child, but it takes someone special to be a daddy”.
> My two “non-biological sons opted to stay with me when their mother left and us and when I remarried, those two and the three biological sons of mine became my wife’s sons.
> I hope you understand the point I’m trying to make.
> It’s a tough row to hoe, but as I follow your thread from day one, I know whichever way you choose to deal with it, the choice will be made from your heart.
> Know that I and most if not all others here believe you to be a good man.



Fresh juicy apples vs old half rotten oranges.


----------



## Dyokemm

OP,

I know this sucks to have confirmed.....sorry you have to go through this crap.

I really hope your lawyer can use this to remove your financial responsibilities for raising another man’s kids....

LMAO.....I would pay money though to see the look on Player POSOM’s face when your exWW slaps him with a paternity suit.


----------



## Oldtimer

AB, I agree with you, I didn’t mention the cheating wife as I would lose my gentlemanly stature and might have been banned. My point was to show another perspective and my thoughts were of the innocents. BTW, in his situation I would not want to have to make that choice myself as it would be like a gun to my head to do “what’s right”. In saying that and notwithstanding the ***** of Babylon, I admire GH and his walk through this mess. I believe when the time comes, he will do what’s in his heart when it comes to the children, whether he continues to be a father figure to them or steps back. There would be no fault in either decision.

Ab10lah, you would be surprised at how those rotten old oranges can be the catalyst for inner change in a person. They make great fertilizer to build a foundation of character in a man.


----------



## TRy

personofinterest said:


> Thank God my father is a better man than this disgusting attitude.
> 
> Signed,
> 
> An adopted person


 As an “adopted person” your dad made the choice to adopt you; he had the option to adopt you or not. The OP has that same right to decide for himself if he wants to adopt or not. Also, when your dad looks into your face, he does not see the face of the man that cheated with his wife looking back at him now does he?


----------



## Andy1001

skerzoid said:


> 1. Love for children is not based on paternity. They are still "your kids".
> 
> 2. That being said, she is beneath contempt and deserves to be divorced for her treachery.
> 
> 3. You can still show your love for those kids without shame, in fact it will shame her even more that infidelity cannot kill that decent part of you. Her decent part was apparently never born.
> 
> 4. Some of the most decent and courageous men in history and legend were cheated on by their useless wives. You can still be a hero to those kids and hold your head high. Good luck.


I agree completely with what you have written.
The only problem I see is that the op’s wife is such a manipulative piece of **** she will not allow any interaction between the op and the children if they divorce and he removes his name from their birth certificates.
She will use the twins as an emotional bargaining chip.
Blackmail actually.


----------



## TheGoodGuy

TRy said:


> As an “adopted person” your dad made the choice to adopt you; he had the option to adopt you or not. The OP has that same right to decide for himself if he wants to adopt or not. Also, when your dad looks into your face, he does not see the face of the man that cheated with his wife looking back at him now does he?


Agreed- This situation is vastly different. Adoption should be done from a loving, affirmative place, not by shaming or guilting a person into adopting kids from a tawdry affair that hurt him dearly. 

-another Adopted Person


----------



## BluesPower

First off guys, let's not spend too much time on telling OP what he should think or feel right now. 

If he chooses to be in the children's life after this, that is his decision. And if he does not THAT is his decision. 

What is important is that OP is hurting, he and SHE can not longer deny that his STBXW is a complete POS in every possible way. Everything that he heard on the original VAR is completely true in every way. 

He is married to a woman that has betrayed him in the worst possible way that anyone can be betrayed ever. 

She never loved him in the slightest, she never respected him in the slightest and she has been using him for their entire marriage. 

Why don't some of you people think about that instead of telling him what he should decide about the bastard children... 

Shame on you guys...


----------



## jsmart

Tatsuhiko said:


> Sorry, man. The fact that your wife cannot even acknowlege her fraud or apologize tells you who you're dealing with. I think *she knows exactly who the father is*. A decent person would have fessed up by now.
> 
> I know your down but *you should be DAMN PROUD at the way you handled this*, starting with acting on your valid suspicions, all the way to talking to an attorney. *Some men are suckered for an entire lifetime. Not you*.


Most TAMers knew from your 1st post that this was way more than you believed. Like so many BHs, you came here thinking you had something minor. You followed the advise to dig further, which lead you to find the painful truth. That feeling in the pit of your stomach was trying to get you to see what your mind was trying to downplay.

This was a painful thread to read. Here's a man that worked 2 jobs to support what he thought was his family and allow his wife to be a SAHM. Even staying home with the kids so the wife can have a "break" to hang with her friends. Little did he know he was watching OM's kids while WW was probably using "hanging out with the girls" as a cover to service her baby daddy. Truly wicked.

Your drive for the truth will finally put an end to this farce of a marriage that you've endured. A marriage that when you look back will realize was sucking the life force out of you. 

I know it feels like your world is ending but now you start rebuilding yourself. In time you will find a good woman that will give you children that carry your bloodline.


----------



## BruceBanner

Just goes to show that you shouldn't trust any woman when it comes to paternity. Paternity fraud isn't even illegal even though it's fraud and even involves lying to the state.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

All people who feel strongly about one's responsibilities to raise someone else's child have ample opportunity to do so, through foster parenting, adoption, etc. 

Better to practice it instead of just preaching. Set an example for all of us. If you can't get yourself to do it, then pipe down.


----------



## TDSC60

Goodhealth said:


> We got the official results. Sorry I just didn’t feel much like posting. The at home kit was correct. I’m not the father. She never apologized, guess that shouldn’t bother me. I thought I was prepared, but was still hoping I got it wrong with the home kit. This is really embarrassing.
> 
> Not much left to say. She tried saying we couldn’t trust the results they may not be right, etc.
> 
> She wasn’t in church last week and doesnt have a full time job yet. Also she doesnt have a lawyer yet.
> 
> My mother in law has been quiet. I guess she doesn’t know what to say now.
> 
> I can’t get divorced fast enough.
> 
> I’ve really been thinking about getting a CDL but have decided to wait for the divorce to get done first.


You should not be embarrassed at all. Your cheating wife took advantage of your good nature from the start. 

Very glad you finally found out how evil she is. Now put her in your rear view mirror and move on.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Tatsuhiko said:


> All people who feel strongly about one's responsibilities to raise someone else's child have ample opportunity to do so, through foster parenting, adoption, etc.
> 
> Better to practice it instead of just preaching. Set an example for all of us. If you can't get yourself to do it, then pipe down.


Had to quote this since I could only like it once.

Don't forget people, every penny he spends supporting another mans kids is a penny he doesn't have available to support his own offspring. Do any of you believe he should forgo having kids of his own so he can support somebody else's kids? He's looking at $500k to raise twins to adulthood not including college.

He should get a judgement against her for what her lies have already cost him. Sucks that he can't.


----------



## jsmart

BruceBanner said:


> Just goes to show that you shouldn't trust any woman when it comes to paternity. *Paternity fraud isn't even illegal* even though it's fraud and even involves lying to the state.


It's one thing to get betrayed but to find the kids you've been changing diapers for, feeding in the middle of the night, and singing lullabies to, are not yours is a pain no man should have to endure. Which is why it's way past time we should have mandatory DNA testing on every child before a man's name is put on the birth certificate.


----------



## TDSC60

I am betting that the STBXW is looking high and low for the father of her children. She would only "allow" Goodhealth to be involved in their lives to get financial support.

Now the children are a huge trigger for @Goodhealth. Every time he sees them he is reminded of the joke that has been his marriage. How he was manipulated and lied to from the very beginning. How she intended for him to be under her thumb for the next 18 years.

It is probably best for his emotional health to cut all ties.


----------



## OutofRetirement

I'm sorry GoodHealth. Your feelings are valid. You are entitled to your feelings.

There is a huge difference in choosing to adopt vs. being forced upon you without your consent, or even your knowledge. There is nothing wrong with your point of view.

Personally, I can't think of much worse than what you've suffered and are still suffering.


----------



## Robert22205

I admire the way you've handled this truly awful situation. You stood up to a lot of inappropriate (in view of her behavior) pressure from her, her friends and family. With respect to the twins, they already have a father (your wife's lover) and it's now time for him to step forward. And it's time for your wife (and her father & mother etc) to focus on getting the deadbead dad/lover to raise his kids. 

The twins are only 2 yo ... i know it sounds harsh but they won't remember you - nor will they see you as their father. 

Going forward the only role you can play is a part time 'friend' to them ... but you won't have enough face time or influence in their life to counter balance the cumulative negative impact of your twisted wife, their deadbeat father, or the wife's misguided & delusional parents. 

Your time, energy and money is better spent on finding a good woman - and raising & loving your own kids.


----------



## OutofRetirement

OutofRetirement said:


> I don't want to get your hopes up, but yes, you need a second test by a doctor, not by a kit. It's too important not to.
> 
> But look, you know a lot already. First you just suspected, then you found out she had sex with another guy and the guy might be the father (which she said was just a "joke" to impress her friends (???)), she denied never having had sex with anyone else, and now everyone already knows she had sex, but she was taken advantage of (but kept partying hardy every week where she had been violated, and the conversation you overheard showed no such inkling of that.
> 
> This is important to you personally, but beyond that, it's just mostly legal maneuverings now.
> 
> Also, you've made zero posting that your wife and her mother and the pastor and her toxic friends and your manager at your second job, not a single one of them have even mentioned wanting a second test, nevermind wanting the second test done urgently ASAP. Adding no apparent desire to retest, and the "predator" "taking advantage" of your wife, I think you must assume you've already got the answer on that result.
> 
> And you know all of the toxic friends' husbands and boyfriends - they're worthless, too. Stick with your brother and your mother, stay away from those other ostriches. *You sound like a stand-up guy* surrounded by a bunch of dish rags. When you're all clear of this jetsam, become more intentional in who you are social with. That whole lot of them has had to be draining your life force from you for years. *Do these guys take on two or three jobs to support anyone?* I bet you're all alone in that group of driftwood. Your life is going to be a lot better in a year or so. You're going to feel a lot better. Like you could breathe again.


GoodHealth, I admire the way you handled yourself. Take care of yourself. It's OK to put yourself first once in a while.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Goodhealth said:


> We got the official results. Sorry I just didn’t feel much like posting. The at home kit was correct. I’m not the father. She never apologized, guess that shouldn’t bother me. I thought I was prepared, but was still hoping I got it wrong with the home kit. *This is really embarrassing. *
> 
> Not much left to say. She tried saying we couldn’t trust the results they may not be right, etc.
> 
> She wasn’t in church last week and doesnt have a full time job yet. Also she doesnt have a lawyer yet.
> 
> My mother in law has been quiet. I guess she doesn’t know what to say now.
> 
> I can’t get divorced fast enough.
> 
> I’ve really been thinking about getting a CDL but have decided to wait for the divorce to get done first.


 @Goodhealth , 
You have nothing to be embarrassed about, your stbx carries that totally. You should only be embarrassed by things under your control. You had NO control over her behavior, and there is NO way you could have known or prevented this. You were in the dark.

The only advice I will give is pointless as you have already stated: "I can’t get divorced fast enough." This is the only absolute in this situation. She needs to go away. As far as the kids do what you need/want to do so that you can live with that decision. If it's be their Dad because you feel you should Great. If it's cut off contact with them because you will always have your stbx's deceitful betrayal and behavior rubbed in your face everytime you see them then that is what you need to do. You can also try one way and if it doesn't work go the other. None of this has to be etched in stone, until it does.

Know that a lot of folks here are thinking about you and supporting you in this extremely difficult time. You will get through it. 
Peace, brother.

RC


----------



## sokillme

Goodhealth said:


> We got the official results. Sorry I just didn’t feel much like posting. The at home kit was correct. I’m not the father. She never apologized, guess that shouldn’t bother me. I thought I was prepared, but was still hoping I got it wrong with the home kit. This is really embarrassing.
> 
> Not much left to say. She tried saying we couldn’t trust the results they may not be right, etc.
> 
> She wasn’t in church last week and doesnt have a full time job yet. Also she doesnt have a lawyer yet.
> 
> My mother in law has been quiet. I guess she doesn’t know what to say now.
> 
> I can’t get divorced fast enough.
> 
> I’ve really been thinking about getting a CDL but have decided to wait for the divorce to get done first.


This is a case where I believe an annulment is a good idea. She never married you in good faith she had the guy at the wedding for C sake. 

Dude I know your sad but just remember her being an awful human being doesn't reflect on you. You just got fooled. It has happened to a lot of us, unfortunately the person who fooled you is not very smart or just very cruel. But this could have happened to all of us who got cheated on. It's not like people who cheat have morals. They are are capable of these kind of lies because they are capable doing it in the first place. You were just unlucky. Again no reflection on you. Your soon to be ex is a truly vile person be happy to be rid of her. Let the whole world know, people need to be protected from sociopaths like this women. 

You should not be embarrassed but be proud. You have show tremendous inner strength and that is to be admired. It will also help you finding a good mate and just in your life in general. 

As for your future you don't know it now but eventually you will probably have a real marriage with a decent person (not much to have to live up to, that is for sure, just normal would be 1000 times better). That will be life changing for you. You will be surprised what you accepted for so long and think how glad you are to be rid of such a horrible person.

I promise you your life is not over. Mourn, rail against the injustice for a while. Then live your life to the fullest, as long as you have breath you have hope. This is not the end of your life! One day years from now you will tell your grandchildren (maybe one that tells you how their boyfriend cheated on them) about the time you were married to a human piece of ****, how you overcame her and ended up with their grandmother and all the kids that you produced. You will feel no pain just bewildered amazement that you actually had the happen to you. That will give them hope. That's if you want that. Hold onto that thought when you feel really down. That is a very real, probable future for you. 

It's not over.


----------



## sokillme

skerzoid said:


> 1. Love for children is not based on paternity. They are still "your kids".
> 
> 2. That being said, she is beneath contempt and deserves to be divorced for her treachery.
> 
> 3. You can still show your love for those kids without shame, in fact it will shame her even more that infidelity cannot kill that decent part of you. Her decent part was apparently never born.
> 
> 4. Some of the most decent and courageous men in history and legend were cheated on by their useless wives. You can still be a hero to those kids and hold your head high. Good luck.


This is true but is it good for a child to have a father who with their very presence is a constant source of pain. It's a terrible tragedy for these kids but it's entirely their Mother's fault. What you are asking for not everyone is capable of. The good thing is they are so young they probably will not even remember him I think.



> It is probably best for his emotional health to cut all ties.


And maybe theirs too.


----------



## sokillme

Oldtimer said:


> GH, first off, I am so sorry for the situation you’ve been placed in and I know you hurt badly.
> If you allow, let me tell you of my fatherhood issue. My XW has two children before we married,( not the same situation as you, but hear me out) wife and I had two more of our own and I had one from a high school relationship. After we divorced, I remarried and became the father of three more.
> The point I’m trying to make is that all of OUR children, my wife’s and mine total 8 even tho three are mine biologically and three are my wife’s biological.
> All eight of our children have an equal amount of unconditional love regardless of parentage.
> Know that “any idiot can father a child, but it takes someone special to be a daddy”.
> My two “non-biological sons opted to stay with me when their mother left and us and when I remarried, those two and the three biological sons of mine became my wife’s sons.
> I hope you understand the point I’m trying to make.
> It’s a tough row to hoe, but as I follow your thread from day one, I know whichever way you choose to deal with it, the choice will be made from your heart.
> Know that I and most if not all others here believe you to be a good man.


The difference is you had agency in all of those decisions. OP did not. Which makes it a very different thing, really not comparable. I think a better example is the one where the husband has a child with his mistress. Not the same but a closer dynamic.


----------



## AKA Broken Arrow

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that she knew the truth and deceived you or that she didn’t even know the truth at all. Either way, this is on her 100%.

I’m sorry man. Hang in there. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Decorum

Goodhealth said:


> She never apologized, ...
> 
> ...This is really embarrassing.


It is ironic that you feel more shame than your sham of a WW.

Goodhealth, I am sorry.

I hope you keep reminding yourself that your WW took advantage of your love and trust, and did so in a most despicable and disrespectful way, and with stunning disregard for your feelings.

You are no fool, and you are not a loser.

What is a relationship if it does not include love, and trust? (A bit of honesty in a relationship goes a longway too!)

It is just a sad fact of life that some people simply do not have the character or the capacity to return those qualities.

I really wish you well.
Take care.


----------



## skerzoid

BruceBanner said:


> Disagree. He should keep his pride as a man and go find an honest woman that will have HIS children. If paternity wasn't important to men then they would all just adopt. It's not his job or obligation to care for his wife's bastard children.


I didn't say what he should do, but what he can do without feeling shamed for caring for those kids. In the the old movie, "A Night to Remember" (Titanic), a man finds that his son isn't his. He begins to treat the boy distantly and the boy doesn't understand and is heartbroken. But as the ship goes down, the man finds his son, puts his arms around him, and goes down with him. Its a real tear jerker.

Bitterness towards those twins will not make him happier. It will not even give him a sense of closure. I care about the OP and his happiness. If it will make him happy to dump those kids so he can have a sense of revenge, *then so be it*. But I doubt that adding to his sense of loneliness will help him.

You cannot turn off a father's love easily. As an old coach, I was a father figure to many kids whose parents didn't like me much, but the the relationship was between me and those kids. His relationship with those kids being destroyed will be worse than the relationship with his ****-wife being destroyed. It isn't about what he owes, its about what he needs.


----------



## personofinterest

For the record, I was responding to the asshat comment about all men adopting if they didnt care about having "real" children. I was not commenting on what the OP should do. These children arent even 2. They won't know the difference.

Again, my comment was in response to the woman hating asshat who took a swipe at adoption.


----------



## BruceBanner

skerzoid said:


> I didn't say what he should do, but what he can do without feeling shamed for caring for those kids. In the the old movie, "A Night to Remember" (Titanic), a man finds that his son isn't his. He begins to treat the boy distantly and the boy doesn't understand and is heartbroken. But as the ship goes down, the man finds his son, puts his arms around him, and goes down with him. Its a real tear jerker.
> 
> Bitterness towards those twins will not make him happier. It will not even give him a sense of closure. I care about the OP and his happiness. If it will make him happy to dump those kids so he can have a sense of revenge, *then so be it*. But I doubt that adding to his sense of loneliness will help him.
> 
> You cannot turn off a father's love easily. As an old coach, I was a father figure to many kids whose parents didn't like me much, but the the relationship was between me and those kids. His relationship with those kids being destroyed will be worse than the relationship with his ****-wife being destroyed. It isn't about what he owes, its about what he needs.


It's hilarious how you claim to know what he needs. I don't believe you care about OP's happiness. Because if you did you wouldn't be trying to convince him to play father to kids that aren't his and suffer the social humiliation of it. 



personofinterest said:


> For the record, I was responding to the asshat comment about all men adopting if they didnt care about having "real" children. I was not commenting on what the OP should do. These children arent even 2. They won't know the difference.
> 
> Again, my comment was in response to the woman hating asshat who took a swipe at adoption.


Lmfao. I don't hate women. I hate paternity fraud and women getting away with doing it with little to no repercussion. Many women have committed it and gotten away unscathed.


----------



## Broken at 20

OP, 

I did not see anyone bring this up (skimmed), but child support. You may want to have a consultation with a lawyer and discuss how child support works. In some states, any children produced in a marriage are assumed to be the husband's (you). Most states have a window for disproving paternity, though this is usually only a year. A lawyer will know. And a $500 consultation with a lawyer is worth any child support you might get out of. 
Additionally, I don't know if a home paternity kit is admissible in court. You might need something more reputable. Again, ask the lawyer. 
And if you can, try to get it as evidence in family court. While family court is infamous for raking guys over the coals, it is very hard for a judge to give a betrayed, cuckolded husband, the riot act in divorce proceedings knowing all the facts. 

As for a second paternity test, whether it's for peace of mind or evidence in family court, I would highly recommend it. Although, I will answer by way of an anecdote. 
I took two paternity tests with the man who raised me for roughly 20 years. They both came back negative, and I said we needed a third. He said what will a third do? Even if it comes back positive, how can we wipe away the memory of the first two? 
I would say be realistic, not hopeful. This kind of thing is not something to be hopeful about, because if/when it comes back negative, you'll be beyond crushed.

Lastly, if you really want to embarrass your Ex, you can do what someone I know on Facebook did. He posted a picture of the paternity test results, tagged the mother, her friends, her parents, her siblings, and extended family to the post. 

Whatever level of pride she has left will likely be deflated after that. 

And OP, if you want to ask someone who was on the receiving end of not being someone's father, feel free to PM me. I doubt I can offer much in terms of help or advice, but I am here.


----------



## skerzoid

BruceBanner said:


> It's hilarious how you claim to know what he needs. I don't believe you care about OP's happiness. Because if you did you wouldn't be trying to convince him to play father to kids that aren't his and suffer the social humiliation of it.
> 
> Glad to make your day. It's hilarious how you claim to know what he needs. And I really don't give a flying fornication about your opinion of whether i care about the OP or not. And I am not trying to convince him of anything other than, what ever choice he makes, its his life and he has to live with his decisions. You telling him he will be socially embarrassed by caring about them doesn't seem to be particularly caring to me.
> 
> If he is embarrassed because he trusted someone he loved, no he doesn't need to feel that. He simply did what a husband was supposed to do, trust his wife to not be out spreading her legs for other men. *That's on her not him. I would love to see her suffer for what she's done to him. She deserves no mercy.*
> 
> If he feels that he will feel better cutting those kids out of his life because of her, that's okay too. Its his life. I will support what ever choice he makes. Apparently you won't.


----------



## BruceBanner

BruceBanner said:


> It's hilarious how you claim to know what he needs. I don't believe you care about OP's happiness. Because if you did you wouldn't be trying to convince him to play father to kids that aren't his and suffer the social humiliation of it.
> 
> Glad to make your day. It's hilarious how you claim to know what he needs. And I really don't give a flying fornication about your opinion of whether i care about the OP or not. And I am not trying to convince him of anything other than, what ever choice he makes, its his life and he has to live with his decisions. You telling him he will be socially embarrassed by caring about them doesn't seem to be particularly caring to me.
> 
> If he is embarrassed because he trusted someone he loved, no he doesn't need to feel that. He simply did what a husband was supposed to do, trust his wife to not be out spreading her legs for other men. *That's on her not him. I would love to see her suffer for what she's done to him. She deserves no mercy.*
> 
> If he feels that he will feel better cutting those kids out of his life because of her, that's okay too. Its his life. I will support what ever choice he makes. Apparently you won't.


You were obviously trying to sway/convince him into staying in the twins' lives because of some silly notion that he's still the "father" even though he isn't the biological father. Were you not trying to do that or am I wrong in interpreting your post? How is telling GoodHealth that by trying to play daddy to children his wife conceived in an affair will lead to social humiliation not particulalry caring when GoodHealth has already expressed embarrassment over the second set of DNA tests coming out negative in his latest post? No husband or wife should ever blindly trust their spouse; Trust needs to be verified and earned.


----------



## skerzoid

BruceBanner said:


> You were obviously trying to sway/convince him into staying in the twins' lives because of some silly notion that he's still the "father" even though he isn't the biological father. Were you not trying to do that or am I wrong in interpreting your post? How is telling GoodHealth that by trying to play daddy to children his wife conceived in an affair will lead to social humiliation not particulalry caring when GoodHealth has already expressed embarrassment over the second set of DNA tests coming out negative in his latest post? No husband or wife should ever blindly trust their spouse; Trust needs to be verified and earned.


I wasn't trying to sway him, just give him support if he wanted to stay in their lives. People can be "fathers" and love children even if not genetically related. Adoption is based on that. I have a niece who had a child out of wedlock, the bio father who should be in his daughter's life is not, she met a new man, married, and he is raising the daughter as his. Happens all the time, believe it or not. 

I mentioned that the OP was embarrassed by this. However, some people can overcome embarrassment when it involves people they love. If I want to assure him that he can take that action, it is not your place to disagree in an insulting manner. Go ahead and disagree and make your point, but don't cast doubt on me as not caring.

As to trust, most cheaters thrive on unearned trust. It is one of the worst evils there is, and even Christ agreed that it was a reason for divorce without sin. As I said, she is not deserving of him as a husband, and her kids don't deserve a mother who plays the unrepentant tramp. *If he walks away from her and her kids, no one could blame him*. That is my last thread jack on this.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that she knew the truth and deceived you or that she didn’t even know the truth at all. Either way, this is on her 100%.
> 
> I’m sorry man. Hang in there.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 I think the odds of her not knowing the truth are about zero considering she was bragging to her friends about the twins not being Goodhealth's kids. 
So I'd say "I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that she knew the truth and deceived you or that she bragged to her lowlife tramp friends about it."


----------



## ABHale

personofinterest said:


> For the record, I was responding to the asshat comment about all men adopting if they didnt care about having "real" children. I was not commenting on what the OP should do. These children arent even 2. They won't know the difference.
> 
> Again, my comment was in response to the woman hating asshat who took a swipe at adoption.


I’m sorry for my response to you then P. I thought you were going after the OP.


----------



## TRy

personofinterest said:


> For the record, I was responding to the asshat comment about all men adopting if they didnt care about having "real" children. I was not commenting on what the OP should do. These children arent even 2. They won't know the difference.


Fair enough. Like ABHale, I also thought that you were going after the OP when I responded to your earlier post.


----------



## Goose54

Could we PLEASE STOP the T/j of this post. We’ve debated this BS about the twins enough! OP has the information to make his own mind up.


----------



## Oceania

OP may already have made his mind up on what he'll do. Who would want to be in his position? I wouldn't. It will be absolute hell trying to navigate this minefield. The twins have been in his heart from the beginning. How do you suddenly remove them? Would you want to? So hard. What about OP's family? Would they now be able to accept them? So hard.

I don't know. So I would suggest keep posting your thoughts and opinions and maybe OP will find something that will help him to live with whatever decision he makes.


----------



## Cynthia

Goodhealth said:


> We got the official results. Sorry I just didn’t feel much like posting. The at home kit was correct. I’m not the father. She never apologized, guess that shouldn’t bother me. I thought I was prepared, but was still hoping I got it wrong with the home kit. This is really embarrassing.
> 
> Not much left to say. She tried saying we couldn’t trust the results they may not be right, etc.
> 
> She wasn’t in church last week and doesnt have a full time job yet. Also she doesnt have a lawyer yet.
> 
> My mother in law has been quiet. I guess she doesn’t know what to say now.
> 
> I can’t get divorced fast enough.
> 
> I’ve really been thinking about getting a CDL but have decided to wait for the divorce to get done first.


The level of deceit your wife has perpetrated on you from the beginning of your relationship is unprecedented. 

While it is normal and common to feel embarrassed and even ashamed due to being cheated on, it is not logical. Feelings are not facts. 

The facts are that your wife is a deeply flawed woman and it appears that she has no conscience. A person with no conscience is dangerous. She has harmed you greatly due to her profound deceit. You should be proud of yourself for recognizing that something was going on. You investigated and found the truth all the while she was gaslighting you. That’s an accomplishment on your part. She thought you would never know, but you are way smarter than she thought and definitely smarter than her and her nefarious friends.

She is quite the actress, but when her facade slipped, you knew something wasn’t right and you did exactly the right thing by looking into it and doing something about it. You didn’t stay stuck. You have been doing really well through this. Yes, you feel terrible, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t doing well.

You will feel terrible for a while, especially since you are not only losing your wife, but probably your children as well. That is a devastating blow and I’m so sorry that you are facing this terrible situation. Have you found a therapist? This is extreme trauma that needs to be dealt with. I would hate for you to become bitter and unable to trust anyone again. That would be a terrible outcome. You can get through this and you can come out okay, but it will take work to process through this all in a healthy manner.


----------



## Evinrude58

Just my opinion:

If OP doesn’t make a clean break and sadly, remove the little twins from his life, there is a near certitude that this woman will use those kids to deeply hurt the OP in the future, slow his healing process, and basically those kids will never allow him to detach fully from their mother.

What has been done to the OP should be criminal. It’s the most emotionally hurtful case I’ve heard in a long time.

My advice is for the OP to totally extricate himself from his ghoul of a wife at any cost.

The truth is, the twins aren’t his kids and not his reaponsibility, even though he was duped into believing he was their father. 
Also, and I’m sure I will be hammered for this, although I care not...... those twins have their mother’s DNA. They will likely have a lot of their mother’s personality traits, and nature AND nurture will steer them toward a high possibility of being just as rotten inside as she is. I can honestly say I would put the whole family behind me if I could.

I’d say run and run fast, OP.

You deserve a freah start. Really.


----------



## threelittlestars

So the two and a half year old twins will lose the man they saw as father. 

Though I totally understand OP and that 'he' needs this clean break... I still feel for the little ones who had a WONDERFUL father and role model in the OP and now because of the deceit and manipulations of their trash mother they have lost the only father they ever known. 

To OP...I do not fault you, I really support and understand. I just know your heart is breaking for them, but being 2 they might not remember you. So that is a consolation... You will just be the man holding them and smiling when they were babies.... 

How is your mother and father holding up? They lost two grand children as well.... It is just hard to process that your wife did this to you all.... 

IM SO SORRY FOR YOU.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

There IS a derogatory position in society when a good man is forced into this corner...

History shows us that. If not, why the THOUSANDS of **** jokes and such? In history, while you may find a willing martyr or saint that put up with this behavior, the majority is just as selfish as it is altruistic in that OP will always be known as THAT GUY. I agree with others that laws need to be in fact levied for the wronged party in this...The kids are screwed, the husband is screwed and ultimately, the community gets screwed. Even if it is just financially, someone will always be feeling the effects of this for years to come.

OP needs to ghost, and let the lawyers go to town. And as for the fraud, the wife needs to be paying atleast the court and attorney fees!


----------



## TDSC60

GH - get the CDL and be ready to hit the road as soon as the divorce settlement is inked.


----------



## Shoyoself

Goodhealth said:


> We are in our early 30’s, have twins a boy and a girl that will be 2 soon.





threelittlestars said:


> So the two and a half year old twins will lose the man they saw as father.


I get your point, but there’s no need to exaggerate.


----------



## threelittlestars

Shoyoself said:


> I get your point, but there’s no need to exaggerate.



Wow, what ridiculous nit picking. IM EXAGGERATING? No it is a FACT that this is the way it is, you dont even deny it. He is sad and he feels he needs to leave. I put no judgment on him for it, in fact in the end I do think it is the RIGHT THING. That said, it is still sad, even for the OP. he is not heartless! I said it is still unfortunate and ya da ya da ya. You are just not liking semantics, much akin to the cheater on the other thread that cant handle his OTHER WOMAN being called a mistress.... Kinda nuts to be hung up on terminology.... or how it really is. Life is not done up in bows and whistles, and you cant put lipstick on a pig. 

SHOYOSELF, why would you say you get a point, but say Im exaggerating? HOW SO? WTF.


----------



## Shoyoself

threelittlestars said:


> Wow, what ridiculous nit picking. IM EXAGGERATING? No it is a FACT that this is the way it is, you dont even deny it. He is sad and he feels he needs to leave. I put no judgment on him for it, in fact in the end I do think it is the RIGHT THING. That said, it is still sad, even for the OP. he is not heartless! I said it is still unfortunate and ya da ya da ya. You are just not liking semantics, much akin to the cheater on the other thread that cant handle his OTHER WOMAN being called a mistress.... Kinda nuts to be hung up on terminology.... or how it really is. Life is not done up in bows and whistles, and you cant put lipstick on a pig.
> 
> SHOYOSELF, why would you say you get a point, but say Im exaggerating? HOW SO? WTF.


I’m saying that you don’t need to exaggerate the age (and thus the emotional attachment to the OP) of the kids to make the point that is might have an effect on them.

It’s a bad enough situation as it is, and I think everyone would agree that the older they are, the more leaving would effect them. 

That is all.


----------



## 23cm

Not only do the kids have the mother's DNA, the other half is that of the OM BF ********* who she screwed. So, nature vs nurture? Well, they'll be with her at least 50 percent of the time so that part of the nurture experience just ain't gonna be a positive. 

Might try reading "Codependent No More" if you're wavering. 

A dilemma is an adverse situation for which there is no acceptable resolution. Save yourself.


----------



## threelittlestars

Shoyoself said:


> I’m saying that you don’t need to exaggerate the age (and thus the emotional attachment to the OP) of the kids to make the point that is might have an effect on them.
> 
> It’s a bad enough situation as it is, and I think everyone would agree that the older they are, the more leaving would effect them.
> 
> That is all.


What is YOUR motivation to sensor what you feel is an exaggeration? What is it to YOU that you feel emotionally attached to the concept that I am stepping over? I think I was not exaggerating age. 2 is very young. They will miss him for a time, but being two they will move on. Pictures of their baby years will remain, and he will have some too. It is just a fact, not exaggeration. Unless mother burns all early pictures with OP in them then they will exist and the children may see it one day. Hell he may look at them from time to time. OP is a good guy. What he is doing is not heartless staying or leaving. He needs to break it off though, for his sake, and actually the children's. 

I really am unsure whether you have issue that he is leaving the children or staying. 

What is YOUR agenda in this? 

My agenda was to say I see both sides and I think he is doing the right thing regardless of emotional conflict of the heart. I did not do it to make him feel shame, OR minimize the effect of the children. 

If anything you are MINIMIZING the collateral damage. Why? The OP just found out the last three years of his life were a lie orchestrated by a heartless woman who make a **** out of him.... I got HUGE support for the guy... 

I am so confused with your censure... makes no sense... (are you new here?) People here LIKE...NEVER sugar coat. If you want that go to SI. They are more likely to minimize things there, and dress situations up in a bow.


----------



## personofinterest

So, OP - the SUBJECT of the thread...how are things going?


----------



## Taxman

Goodhealth
I know it has only been a few days since you received confirmation of the worst news any man could receive. Your STBXWW is in my estimation, beneath contempt. She needs to now feel the full brunt of her actions. Even though you raised them to this point, you were shat upon, raising another man's progeny while her and her girlfriends laughed behind your back. There are two routes to take on this, and both have a modicum at least of revenge. I have at present another man whose wife went on a business trip to Asia for three months and came back two months pregnant. She expected him to stay with her and raise this bastard. I supplied him with a divorce attorney, and then told him that it would fùck her up beyond all recognition if he exposed. He raised the cultural question (they are both asian) as to how he would get over being a laughingstock. I said, you are in no way a laughingstock, you are BETRAYED. She took your trust, rolled it up in a ball and tossed it into the toilet, as she spread her legs for another man. He then started talking: her parents back home, have now turned their backs. Her employer was informed and let her go. The friends and family here inundated her with calls and invective. He broke her. She is a mess, and he ejected her from their home, and is keeping their two together until she has a stable home environment. (She won't, she is not real welcome in their community, and she cannot go back to her home country, as her entire family has turned their backs). Oh, and the father of the new child, he is now on the run, as my client's male relatives have pledged to remove this indignity from their midst (the AP's life ain't worth a wooden nickel). Since you have exposed, as much as possible, your next victim should be the other man. Consult your attorney and see if he can be compelled to repay back child support to you. You were bamboozled into paying the bills for the harpy and not your children. That is theft. 

The second thing? Once the smoke has cleared, get them. She is not a wife, they are not your children, there are no friends here, just people who did not give a shìt for you. Let them regret ever conspiring against you. Those that are married, their husbands all get a call, let them know that their wives conspired against you. The single ones? My buddy went to a bar that they all liked, he called them out in a crowded bar, and warned just about every man in the place that these women were comfortable getting knocked up, and then extorting the poor bastard, whether he knocked them up or not. They all encouraged one another in shïtty games to get guys to pay. (One of them raged on him, as she was getting close to an engagement, when my bud started spilling. No engagement, ring returned, and she got ghosted). He happened to run into his STBX in the bar, and let everyone there know that she was the easiest piece of ass, but wear a rubber, as you could not be sure what disease she carried. She threw a beer mug at him, and that was pretty much the last time she saw him.


----------



## Shoyoself

threelittlestars said:


> What is YOUR motivation to sensor what you feel is an exaggeration? What is it to YOU that you feel emotionally attached to the concept that I am stepping over? I think I was not exaggerating age. 2 is very young. They will miss him for a time, but being two they will move on. Pictures of their baby years will remain, and he will have some too. It is just a fact, not exaggeration. Unless mother burns all early pictures with OP in them then they will exist and the children may see it one day. Hell he may look at them from time to time. OP is a good guy. What he is doing is not heartless staying or leaving. He needs to break it off though, for his sake, and actually the children's.
> 
> I really am unsure whether you have issue that he is leaving the children or staying.
> 
> What is YOUR agenda in this?
> 
> My agenda was to say I see both sides and I think he is doing the right thing regardless of emotional conflict of the heart. I did not do it to make him feel shame, OR minimize the effect of the children.
> 
> If anything you are MINIMIZING the collateral damage. Why? The OP just found out the last three years of his life were a lie orchestrated by a heartless woman who make a **** out of him.... I got HUGE support for the guy...
> 
> I am so confused with your censure... makes no sense... (are you new here?) People here LIKE...NEVER sugar coat. If you want that go to SI. They are more likely to minimize things there, and dress situations up in a bow.


I don’t understand how this is confusing to you, unless you didn’t read the two snippets I quoted from you and the OP. He said the twins will be 2 soon, and you said 2 and a half years old. You exaggerated their age. That was my only point. 

I think that this is a misunderstanding, and hope that this thread can get back on track in supporting the OP.


----------



## threelittlestars

Shoyoself said:


> I don’t understand how this is confusing to you, unless you didn’t read the two snippets I quoted from you and the OP. He said the twins will be 2 soon, and you said 2 and a half years old. You exaggerated their age. That was my only point.
> 
> I’m sorry if you still don’t understand that, and i’ll respectfully back out of this thread-jack.


I thought he said in the op that they were already two,(i did not go back to verify) about 2 and a half months ago when he posted, so they may be 2 now. I cant recall when, but I was assuming they were 2 and that it has been a couple of months with finding out the truth and only now he is leaving. I was not intending to exaggerate age for effect., so I estimated that they I just thought the op said they were already two had aged a few months in to the year group. 

They may remember him for a few months, my son remembered a puppy we had when he was a baby and he remembered them till he was three. But now he does not remember. I just have pictures to show him. 

I think it makes little difference 2 and 2 1/2 but at three and four, I can remember that far back but not farther. 

i get what you are saying now. And the word exaggerate tends to hold a meaning of manipulation, an agenda of sorts, which I did not have, hence my confusion at your wording. I was stumped.


----------



## Cynthia

June 18, 2018 from the original post:


Goodhealth said:


> We are in our early 30’s, have twins a boy and a girl that will be 2 soon. We’ve been married almost 5 years. I suspected my wife because of what I thought were some red flags, now I’m not sure. However, I read this site and used a VAR when her friends came over and what I found is really bothering me.


 @Goodhealth, when will the children turn two? What does you attorney say about the paternity in your state?


----------



## donny64

Goodhealth,

Those kids will be 2 soon according to you. Get to a lawyer like YESTERDAY. The clock is ticking. I don't know where you're at, but you may only have a year or two from birth to dispute paternity. After that, you're on the hook.

Once you dispute paternity (if possible) you can take your time to decide what to do. But in the meantime, the clock is still ticking. Don't deny yourself options now which you may want to exercise later.




Andy1001 said:


> I agree completely with what you have written.
> The only problem I see is that the op’s wife is such a manipulative piece of **** she will not allow any interaction between the op and the children if they divorce and he removes his name from their birth certificates.
> She will use the twins as an emotional bargaining chip.
> Blackmail actually.


But she'll damn sure have the state beating down his door to collect child support every month.

OP is going to kick this lying, deceitful, cheating person to the curb, and will eventually meet someone and want to start a family. His responsibility is to the children he will knowingly and willingly father. IMO, it will not serve HIS future children and family well to devote resources to another man's kids. Oh sure, it might seem gallant were he to do so, but that won't put better clothes, food on the table, a better home, or put his kids through college. 

IF she were a decent person, she'd allow him to continue the relationship with the children (should he so chose) without financial obligation. But I would not be holding my breath on that one with this "woman". That would be a real hard one to explain to future suitors. "Well, he's not the father. I told him he was, but he isn't. They are the result of an affair I had. But because I passed them off as his kids for two years, I decided it would be best for everyone involved if he stayed involved in their lives". Uhm, yeah....I don't see that happening with this one. And any guy with half a brain presented with such a scenario from a future potential mate would run for the hills.


----------



## TDSC60

I know I will get flamed for this but I would recommend that GH cut ALL contact ASAP. No contact with STBXW nor her children.

Maintaining contact with the kids will mean maintaining contact with the she-beast and it will only delay his recovery. The kids are young. They will be better off without the drama of their mother's relationship with GH to deal with.


----------



## BruceBanner

TDSC60 said:


> I know I will get flamed for this but I would recommend that GH cut ALL contact ASAP. No contact with STBXW nor her children.
> 
> Maintaining contact with the kids will mean maintaining contact with the she-beast and it will only delay his recovery. The kids are young. They will be better off without the drama of their mother's relationship with GH to deal with.


Couldn't agree more. Also depending on what state he lives in he might still have to pay child support even if his name was taken off the birth certificate if he wanted to act as a father figure to the children.


----------



## Kamstel

Put me in the “completely Agree” column!


----------



## Scuba_Steve

TDSC60 said:


> I know I will get flamed for this but I would recommend that GH cut ALL contact ASAP. No contact with STBXW nor her children.
> 
> Maintaining contact with the kids will mean maintaining contact with the she-beast and it will only delay his recovery. The kids are young. They will be better off without the drama of their mother's relationship with GH to deal with.


I believe GH daughter is the one that’s going on 2 years old and cutting all contact isn’t a real option since he does another child to deal with besides the twins.


----------



## donny64

BruceBanner said:


> Couldn't agree more. Also depending on what state he lives in he might still have to pay child support even if his name was taken off the birth certificate if he wanted to act as a father figure to the children.


Depending on where he is, he may still have to pay child support even if he decides to walk away, doesn't ever see them again, and even though he will be able to legally prove that he is not the father. I know it varies. In the state my son is in, I thought it was 1 year from the date of birth (may of been two, don't recall). After that, lawyer told him he was on the hook no matter what the DNA test came back as. When he signed the birth certificate he legally "acknowledged paternity", and there was a time frame on how long one he had to dispute that. 

Crappy as it is that a man can be lied to, openly deceived, and made to unknowingly raise another man's children, and then not be able to just walk away, that's just the way it is. The state doesn't want to be on the hook for raising the kid, so they will hold someone liable.

In some states it may be 2 years. These kids are nearing 2 years old, which is why I HIGHLY recommend he get to a lawyer ASAP. If it is 2 years in his state, his time is limited. And (as in my son's case were he to have gone that route) it would require a court ordered test. The fact he has a home test and another "official test" done by a Dr. means nothing to the court.


----------



## GusPolinski

Scuba_Steve said:


> I believe GH daughter is the one that’s going on 2 years old and cutting all contact isn’t a real option since he does another child to deal with besides the twins.





Goodhealth said:


> We are in our early 30’s, have twins a boy and a girl that will be 2 soon.


Sounds like the twins — a boy and a girl — aren’t identical, and are almost 2.

No mention of other kids, at least not in his initial post.


----------



## BruceBanner

donny64 said:


> Depending on where he is, he may still have to pay child support even if he decides to walk away, doesn't ever see them again, and even though he will be able to legally prove that he is not the father. I know it varies. In the state my son is in, I thought it was 1 year from the date of birth (may of been two, don't recall). After that, lawyer told him he was on the hook no matter what the DNA test came back as. When he signed the birth certificate he legally "acknowledged paternity", and there was a time frame on how long one he had to dispute that.
> 
> Crappy as it is that a man can be lied to, openly deceived, and made to unknowingly raise another man's children, and then not be able to just walk away, that's just the way it is. The state doesn't want to be on the hook for raising the kid, so they will hold someone liable.
> 
> In some states it may be 2 years. These kids are nearing 2 years old, which is why I HIGHLY recommend he get to a lawyer ASAP. If it is 2 years in his state, his time is limited. And (as in my son's case were he to have gone that route) it would require a court ordered test. The fact he has a home test and another "official test" done by a Dr. means nothing to the court.


I'm sure if more men knew this they'd never trust a woman's word and they would be completely in the right not to.


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## oldtruck

Time to lawyer up, file divorce, sue WW and OM for paternity fraud and file
for financial damages.

There is no time to waste to get legal protection.


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## Oceania

Good Health someone made a very important point about being able to devote all your resources to your future wife and family. Of course that may be the last thing on your mind, but it's definitely something you need to protect.

So I would agree with those advising you to waste no time and go get that legal protection.


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## Kamstel

Guys, he has been talking to a lawyer already! It was the lawyer that set up the second set of DNA tests. As he said, he is trying to get divorced as quickly as possible.


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## Taxman

Goodhealth, keep us in the loop. How are you doing?


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## Kamstel

UPDATE on GH:

I’ve been keeping in touch with GH and he said I could give everyone an update on his situation. He wasn’t sure if he should do it himself as he felt that he didn’t want to take the slings and arrows from everyone with strong opinions with what he is doing.


Long story short:
He is doing as well as can be expected with what has been done to him. He has some good days and some very bad days

He is moving as quickly as possible with the divorce, but will still take a few months.

As of right now, his soon to be ex-wife is keeping to her word on not making the divorce. 

He continues to meet regularly with his pastor for support. He is also getting a lot of great help and support from his family and friends.

He plans on enrolling in a CDL program once the divorce is finalized

So, in short, I personally believe he is doing much better than expected when you consider the handhe has been dealt! Most of us here have been cheated upon, but magnify that horror by 100,000,000 and you may be approaching the devastation that GH has been dealing with!!!


As a side note, at this stage, GH is handling a lot of things, and he has gotten a wide variety of suggestions on how to deal with the wide array of issues. He knows all the arguments on all sides. Right now I think he just needs words of support, and, for at least the short term, could we lay off advice?

Thanks everyone.


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## SentHereForAReason

Kamstel said:


> UPDATE on GH:
> 
> I’ve been keeping in touch with GH and he said I could give everyone an update on his situation. He wasn’t sure if he should do it himself as he felt that he didn’t want to take the slings and arrows from everyone with strong opinions with what he is doing.
> 
> 
> Long story short:
> He is doing as well as can be expected with what has been done to him. He has some good days and some very bad days
> 
> He is moving as quickly as possible with the divorce, but will still take a few months.
> 
> As of right now, his soon to be ex-wife is keeping to her word on not making the divorce.
> 
> He continues to meet regularly with his pastor for support. He is also getting a lot of great help and support from his family and friends.
> 
> He plans on enrolling in a CDL program once the divorce is finalized
> 
> So, in short, I personally believe he is doing much better than expected when you consider the handhe has been dealt! Most of us here have been cheated upon, but magnify that horror by 100,000,000 and you may be approaching the devastation that GH has been dealing with!!!
> 
> 
> As a side note, at this stage, GH is handling a lot of things, and he has gotten a wide variety of suggestions on how to deal with the wide array of issues. He knows all the arguments on all sides. Right now I think he just needs words of support, and, for at least the short term, could we lay off advice?
> 
> Thanks everyone.


I'll keep GH in my prayers. Whatever he decides in his heart, I will stand behind him!


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## Taxman

Sounds as good as it is going to get until he gets a decree and can distance himself from this toxic crew. When all of the smoke clears, this will hopefully have changed a number of them. It isn't so funny when a husband has been betrayed and fights back. Let them come up with the money to support these children after the intended victim takes his ball and bat and goes home.


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## 3Xnocharm

Thank you for the update @Kamstel, good to know he has someone here he communicates with. He has my support whatever he decides to do. He is doing amazing, whether he feels like he is or not.


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## BluesPower

I just hope he is doing ok. 

This thread, what a gut punch....


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## Decorum

One foot in front of the other will get you there.

Thanks to both of you for the update.


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## Rubix Cubed

Good on ya GH. I don't think it could be handled any better than you are handling it.
@Kamstel , 
Did he give you any insight into how his wife is reacting at this point?


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## bandit.45

Kamstel said:


> UPDATE on GH:
> 
> I’ve been keeping in touch with GH and he said I could give everyone an update on his situation. He wasn’t sure if he should do it himself as he felt that he didn’t want to take the slings and arrows from everyone with strong opinions with what he is doing.


Nice to know we here at TAM foster so much trust among BSs with our kindness and understanding. 




> As of right now, his soon to be ex-wife is keeping to her word on not making the divorce.


You mean she's not going to fight him?


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## Kamstel

Yes, sorry for the typo. 

What I meant to type was that his soon to be ex wife is keeping her word not to fight the divorce


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## OutofRetirement

Has your mother-in-law apologized yet?


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## 3putt

OutofRetirement said:


> Has your mother-in-law apologized yet?


I wouldn't bet a nickel on that ever happening.


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## Tatsuhiko

OutofRetirement said:


> Has your mother-in-law apologized yet?


Right. I'm sure it's gone from "How dare you accuse my daughter of getting pregnant by another man?!" to something like "You were never there for her, what did you expect?!"


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## turnera

Goodhealth said:


> I find out from the VAR that he was more than a friend and my wife and her friends laugh at me for not figuring it out. I’m the butt of their joke.
> 
> Then I hear my wife speaking about our kids and she makes a crack about who their father might be. her one friend calls her a **** and asks iif it is some guy that was buying her drinks and dancing with her when they went away for a girls night. Everyone has a good laugh at my expense.
> 
> My wife swears it was just girls talk and that guys do it all the time. She was just trying to joke around with her friends and is pissed at me for spying on her discussion. She also stopped talking to me for about 2 weeks when I told the husband’s and live in of her friend group what I knew. She says I’m bitter and need professional help for deliberately messing with other people’s lives. I told her I would want to know.


I stopped reading here. I don't even know what ended up happening. Because the details don't matter. Here's what matters:

You CLEARLY are a - no offense - beta male. Weak man. This isn't a dis on you - it's an explanation of the way you live your life. You treat people well and expect that they will in turn treat you well, too. 

Unfortunately, life doesn't always work that way. And often, strong women marry weak men like you JUST SO THAT they can run around and do whatever they want. 

I have one piece of homework for you: Get the book No More Mr Nice Guy - buy it or download it - and start reading it TODAY.

You'll be slapping your forehead and rush back to tell us that it's like reading your life story.

Go get the book. Today.

ETA: Sorry to hear the ending. But it needed to happen. There are good women out there. But you need to fix yourself first (get the book), learn to love and trust yourself first, before you can attract the good women, ok?


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## Taxman

turnera said:


> I stopped reading here. I don't even know what ended up happening. Because the details don't matter. Here's what matters:
> 
> You CLEARLY are a - no offense - beta male. Weak man. This isn't a dis on you - it's an explanation of the way you live your life. You treat people well and expect that they will in turn treat you well, too.
> 
> Unfortunately, life doesn't always work that way. And often, strong women marry weak men like you JUST SO THAT they can run around and do whatever they want.
> 
> I have one piece of homework for you: Get the book No More Mr Nice Guy - buy it or download it - and start reading it TODAY.
> 
> You'll be slapping your forehead and rush back to tell us that it's like reading your life story.
> 
> Go get the book. Today.


Dude, you really should have read further. GoodHealth is handling this like a champ. There are very few men that I have known throughout my 64 years on this planet, and 40 years in the divorce industry that could deal with the devastation that was foisted upon GoodHealth. He, in my limited estimation, is doing well given the shytte sandwich deluxe fed him by his despicable lowlife of a wife and her even less savory girlfriends, may they all contract syphillis. (sorry, the Karma bus has not as yet hit all of them)


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## turnera

I did, Taxman. You missed my ETA. 

But the point still stands. His personality drew in such a person. I'll bet money there were red flags going into it that he justified away, to have her. That's what he needs to look at now.


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## Kamstel

Monster-in-law is keeping her head down


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## Kamstel

Taxman, while the Karma Bus hasn’t hit her yet, but the driver just shifted into 5th gear and heading straight at her!

🚌 😳


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## bandit.45

Kamstel said:


> Monster-in-law is keeping her head down


...lest she draw more attention towards that bimbo of a daughter she raised.


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## Kamstel

I’m sure that mommy dearest was the last one in that town to know that her daughter was a big bimbo


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## syhoybenden

Wouldn't be so sure about that.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree ya know.


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## James01

Personally i think you should get a test to see if kids are yours she don’t even have to know i did that with my oldest daughter they have test on amazon just a swab . I think after that go to marriage counseling a divorce seems a little bit extreme at this point. Your unknowing is what makes you so unsure about everything with marriage i wish the best for you


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## PreRaph

James01 said:


> Personally i think you should get a test to see if kids are yours she don’t even have to know i did that with my oldest daughter they have test on amazon just a swab . I think after that go to marriage counseling a divorce seems a little bit extreme at this point. Your unknowing is what makes you so unsure about everything with marriage i wish the best for you


That's already been done...twice.

Late to this thread. Oh God.

I only wanted to add something about the kids. If his STXW had committed the grave error of getting pregnant by another man but was not a monster and had fully owned up to her marriage-destroying act, and she asked him to please be a father to the kids, it would be a different story. I won't discount being a biological father -- I know I would be absolutely furious, enraged, and humiliated if I found out my child wasn't my own, and I would almost certainly want a divorce. But a father is also someone who raises the child, loves them, takes care of them and protects them. But not this woman, jesus. I don't see how OP can continue a relationship with the children. He'd never be free of this woman's poisonous grasp.

I would add that some posters here may come off a bit extreme in fathering department, but there is something very deep-seated in my and many male-psyches about this -- if I found out another man had made my wife pregnant rather than me, I would not be able to look myself in the mirror and call myself a man. I _would_ see myself as the cuckold, the less-than-a-man no matter how much friends and loved ones told me otherwise. And I could not look upon the child as my own anymore. You just can't ignore these things, no matter how much you try to rationalize. them.


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## Taxman

You have to go pretty damn far to equal the level of betrayal foisted upon GH. I have seen spouses do everything from videos to selling it on the streets. This however was not just a betrayal, it was a conspiracy. GH was victimized beyond reason, and in the interest of justice, one hopes that the stigma of this entire episode haunts the WW, her family, and her friends to the end of their lives. Ten years from now, one hopes that the now alone WW spots a fleet of gleaming trucks with GH Trucking Inc painted on the side, and knows that she lost. Funny story, I had a divorcing couple a number of years back and the reason bowled me over. He was in a program to enter a profession. He blew the entrance exam for the third time. Three strikes and you are out. So, get this, she files divorce. She said in the discovery that he would never make the level of income she desired (we ended up calling her a Ho behind her back), and she felt justified in pursuing other more wealthy men (and she was nothing to write home about). The divorce ended amicably, and they both walked away. 

A year or so later, his Dad passed away. His father had made some extensive real estate investments, that were not quite pursued. He had a ton of land banked, and not developed. This was kept between my guy's parents, and really not discussed. So, between him, his mother, and participation from both my firm and his lawyer, he starts developing, forms a few joint ventures. He hires a cute girl to be his assistant. Guess what? He is now a multi-millionaire, soon to be billionaire. He fell in love with the assistant, and now they have three children. His ex, she has bounced around the singles scene, and is angry and bitter. She bailed and lives with bitter regret. She lit a fire under her ex's ass, he profited, and KARMA...she got none of it.


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## Evinrude58

Taxman, you are such a damn good writer. But surely nobody has experienced this many good stories in one lifetime. 
I like your Karma stories best, heh heh.


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## Taxman

I have very many because I have been around this in one way or another for thirty out of my forty years in practice. (There was a ten year run where I left public practice and worked in the financial district for a couple of Fortune 500's and two wannabe's). I have seen divorces because the marriage got stale, and I have seen people locked together fighting a common enemy, have long and happy marriages. I have been called down to our jail to bail a client out, and I have been wined and dined to entice me into helping several companies, where I was less than inclined to do so.

My beautiful wife of nearly 41 years knows that I see a lot of crap, and it can be highly depressing, and does her best to stand up for me. She knows when I linger in my hug to her when I come home, that I have seen something unpleasant. We are both accountants but her specialty is medical/dental, so our professional paths do not intersect, and all she contends with are office politics, but, as time has proven, you never screw with the accountant, as she knows where the bodies are buried.


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## Taxman

Funny, because even when I left public practice, my reputation in family matters followed me. I had a clerk when working for one of my Fortune 500's who got my name from her lawyer. He said that I was out of the business, and she said it was a coincidence that I was now her supervisor's boss. So, she come in one morning and asks me if I could hear her story. Turns out that she was in an long-term affair. He was her husband's golf buddy, and she wanted my advice on confessing and ending her marriage. I told her that there is no elegant way to do this, but I gave her some pointers, such as, do not confess when you are alone with him, if there is a remote chance that he will react violently. Since AP is a buddy, make sure he is well away from the situation. Admit everything. Do not shift blame, admit that you made mistakes, and tell him that you want an amicable divorce. Unfortunately, I found the whole thing rather immature. She was married to her husband for less than three years. She admitted she withheld having a family with her husband as she knew in the first year she would leave for the AP. She took my advice, and took her husband out for dinner, and by dessert they had worked out the separation, and she agreed to walk away with basically nothing. He got the furniture, all of the kitchen stuff and she got her clothing. Once again, dumb, dumb, dumb.


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## Andy1001

Taxman said:


> Funny, because even when I left public practice, my reputation in family matters followed me. I had a clerk when working for one of my Fortune 500's who got my name from her lawyer. He said that I was out of the business, and she said it was a coincidence that I was now her supervisor's boss. So, she come in one morning and asks me if I could hear her story. Turns out that she was in an long-term affair. He was her husband's golf buddy, and she wanted my advice on confessing and ending her marriage. I told her that there is no elegant way to do this, but I gave her some pointers, such as, do not confess when you are alone with him, if there is a remote chance that he will react violently. Since AP is a buddy, make sure he is well away from the situation. Admit everything. Do not shift blame, admit that you made mistakes, and tell him that you want an amicable divorce. Unfortunately, I found the whole thing rather immature. She was married to her husband for less than three years. She admitted she withheld having a family with her husband as she knew in the first year she would leave for the AP. She took my advice, and took her husband out for dinner, and by dessert they had worked out the separation, and she agreed to walk away with basically nothing. He got the furniture, all of the kitchen stuff and she got her clothing. Once again, dumb, dumb, dumb.


I had an employee ask me for advice a couple of weeks ago but he failed to tell me the full story. 
When I met my fiancée she had a two year old son and it was made clear to me that her first responsibility was to him. 
My employee told me he was in the same boat,his girlfriend had a child from a previous relationship and his family and some friends were pressuring him not to marry her.They were advising him against raising another mans child.
He asked me what he should do and I told him to ignore them and if he really loved his girlfriend then stay with her. 
A few days later I learned that he was actually dating this girl a few years ago,she cheated on him and moved in with the guy she was cheating with. She got pregnant and her boyfriend threw her out and she had the baby while living with her mom. Her and my employee then started talking again and things moved on to where they now live together. 
I have been on vacation since I spoke to him last but I will see him at the weekend and I am wondering if I should say anything.


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## BluesPower

Andy1001 said:


> I had an employee ask me for advice a couple of weeks ago but he failed to tell me the full story.
> When I met my fiancée she had a two year old son and it was made clear to me that her first responsibility was to him.
> My employee told me he was in the same boat,his girlfriend had a child from a previous relationship and his family and some friends were pressuring him not to marry her.They were advising him against raising another mans child.
> He asked me what he should do and I told him to ignore them and if he really loved his girlfriend then stay with her.
> A few days later I learned that he was actually dating this girl a few years ago,she cheated on him and moved in with the guy she was cheating with. She got pregnant and her boyfriend threw her out and she had the baby while living with her mom. Her and my employee then started talking again and things moved on to where they now live together.
> I have been on vacation since I spoke to him last but I will see him at the weekend and I am wondering if I should say anything.


You know, Andy, that you have been reading and posting here long enough to understand what is going on with this young man. 

I think that if you could take him aside and tell him what you know, and explain to him that she has zero respect for him, and that she is just using him as her plan B safe guy, it would be a service. 

You would have to do it gently, kind of fatherly, but he is probably just young and dumb. He really does not realize what has happened to him and what he may be doing to his life.

I have no problem with step children, I dated a younger woman with a 2 YO, and I loved that kid. We were really close. Unfortunately, it did not work out between him mother and me. We are friends, but I really miss the kid. 

However, having this situation rise out of infidelity is a completely different situation...


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## sunsetmist

Andy1001 said:


> I had an employee ask me for advice a couple of weeks ago but he failed to tell me the full story.
> When I met my fiancée she had a two year old son and it was made clear to me that her first responsibility was to him.
> My employee told me he was in the same boat,his girlfriend had a child from a previous relationship and his family and some friends were pressuring him not to marry her.They were advising him against raising another mans child.
> He asked me what he should do and I told him to ignore them and if he really loved his girlfriend then stay with her.
> A few days later I learned that he was actually dating this girl a few years ago,she cheated on him and moved in with the guy she was cheating with. She got pregnant and her boyfriend threw her out and she had the baby while living with her mom. Her and my employee then started talking again and things moved on to where they now live together.
> I have been on vacation since I spoke to him last but I will see him at the weekend and I am wondering if I should say anything.



So, this if employee's relationship explodes, and he says, "Hey, I asked Boss Steve and he told me to stay with her" Where does that leave you--if you don't address the issue? As the boss, you know your employees. I'd want to make sure they knew how to address all facts in a situation before they represented me.

(Of course, you may have saved his relationship with the love of his life. But I know what I'd do.) Excuse t/j.


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## Taxman

Andy, if I were asked, I would counsel the young man to distance himself from this woman. As everyone here on this forum knows, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She already had an affair that produced a child, and now that daddy dearest has fled, she is returning to Mr Safe and secure, and her intent is to have the poor schmuck that she cheated on raise the other guy's spawn? I would have him repeat this mantra until he understands: No, Non, Nyet, Lo, Ochi, Nein, Nicht, Hapana, Nej, Meiyou, etc. etc. etc.


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## GusPolinski

Andy1001 said:


> I had an employee ask me for advice a couple of weeks ago but he failed to tell me the full story.
> When I met my fiancée she had a two year old son and it was made clear to me that her first responsibility was to him.
> My employee told me he was in the same boat,his girlfriend had a child from a previous relationship and his family and some friends were pressuring him not to marry her.They were advising him against raising another mans child.
> He asked me what he should do and I told him to ignore them and if he really loved his girlfriend then stay with her.
> A few days later I learned that he was actually dating this girl a few years ago,she cheated on him and moved in with the guy she was cheating with. She got pregnant and her boyfriend threw her out and she had the baby while living with her mom. Her and my employee then started talking again and things moved on to where they now live together.
> I have been on vacation since I spoke to him last but I will see him at the weekend and I am wondering if I should say anything.


Tell him to a) wise up, b) stop being a ****ing chump, and c) kick the skank to the curb.

Oh, and that ^this^ is the advice you’d have given him had you known the full story the first time around.


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## TDSC60

GusPolinski said:


> Tell him to a) wise up, b) stop being a ****ing chump, and c) kick the skank to the curb.
> 
> Oh, and that ^this^ is the advice you’d have given him had you known the full story the first time around.


This x100. He is without a doubt her plan B. The place to return after her adventurers with OM go south.

TELL HIM "DO NOT MARRY". 

Live with her. Have fun with her. But do not make it official in any way. Don't have joint bank accounts. Don't sign any leases with her. Keep her as a FWB. But never, never, a wife.


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## GusPolinski

TDSC60 said:


> This x100. He is without a doubt her plan B. The place to return after her adventurers with OM go south.
> 
> TELL HIM "DO NOT MARRY".
> 
> Live with her. Have fun with her. But do not make it official in any way. Don't have joint bank accounts. Don't sign any leases with her. Keep her as a FWB. But never, never, a wife.


I’d advise him to immediately and permanently be done with her, lest he wind up getting her pregnant. And then it’s “Achievement Unlocked - Beta Provider” for the rest of his life.

No sane man should want to be tethered to someone like her for any length of time, let alone forever.


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## TDSC60

GusPolinski said:


> I’d advise him to immediately and permanently be done with her, lest he wind up getting her pregnant. And then it’s “Achievement Unlocked - Beta Provider” for the rest of his life.
> 
> No sane man should want to be tethered to someone like her for any length of time, let alone forever.


You are right Gus. I did not think that a man in this situation would take even a slight chance of getting the female pregnant. But then, I find it hard to believe he is even thinking about taking her back given the history.

It should be spelled out - NO PREGNANCY.


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## GusPolinski

TDSC60 said:


> You are right Gus. I did not think that a man in this situation would take even a slight chance of getting the female pregnant. But then, I find it hard to believe he is even thinking about taking her back given the history.
> 
> It should be spelled out - NO PREGNANCY.


As a male, having sex with a woman — regardless of whatever precautions _he_ chooses to take — means at least a very slight chance of getting her pregnant.

Hell, even giving her access to his home — if you stop and _really_ think about what all that entails — means risking it.


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## TRy

GusPolinski said:


> As a male, having sex with a woman — regardless of whatever precautions _he_ chooses to take — means at least a very slight chance of getting her pregnant.
> 
> Hell, even giving her access to his home — if you stop and _really_ think about what all that entails — means risking it.


 There was a talk radio guy that advised men to carry tiny hot sauce containers so that they could put hot sauce in their used condoms before throwing them away. Men regularly would call in thanking him for this advice, because their girlfriends were caught by them screaming in the bathroom as they tried to get pregnant using discarded condoms that had hot sauce mixed in. He said not to flush them because if they did, they would never know their girlfriend’s intentions, and the girlfriend would find another way.


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## Tatsuhiko

TRy said:


> There was a talk radio guy that advised men to carry tiny hot sauce containers so that they could put hot sauce in their used condoms before throwing them away. Men regularly would call in thanking him for this advice, because their girlfriends were caught by them screaming in the bathroom as they tried to get pregnant using discarded condoms that had hot sauce mixed in. He said not to flush them because if they did, they would never know their girlfriend’s intentions, and the girlfriend would find another way.


If mixed with live sperm, I think the screaming girlfriend idea could still result in a screaming baby 9 months later. Better to prevent the pregnancy entirely, even if it means never knowing her intentions.


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## jlg07

@Goodhealth, just checking in and hope you are doing the best you can in this crappy situation.


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## Kamstel

How are you doing?

Hopefully at this point you are just waiting for the divorce to be finalized.

Hope you are doing well.

St


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## BruceBanner

@Goodhealth How are you hanging in there?


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## Wolfman1968

Every post on this thread has "Re: Not Really Cheating?" at the top.

Now we know it not only involved cheating, but mocking/disparaging the husband in front of friends, disrespecting him with drunken girls nights out, and Paternity Fraud, which she subsequently lied about until the proof was overwhelming.

You know, every time I see a thread on TAM asking, "Was this really cheating?", "Does this count as infidelity?", etc. the answer is almost always a resounding YES. Sometimes I think that if you are at the point of asking, the poster essentially has his/her answer.

OP, hope you are holding up. Wishing the best for you.


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## MattMatt

Re: Not Really Cheating? = Yes. Really cheating.


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## BruceBanner

This guy never came back here but I hope he's doing alright.


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