# Need advice



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

Okay, so about a little over a year ago, I caught my now-wife (she was my fiancee at the time) talking sexually to another guy online by reading there messages that were going back and forth. The chat was pretty bad and it basically broke my heart to read it and I actually sat back with it for about a week and read there conversation that entire week and it only got worse. (He did ask for her to come over and she said "No, I can't cause I have a bf.") Safe to say that after I confronted her with the fact that I knew, she just cried and said she was sorry but then tried to run into the bedroom and just kept crying. I asked her why she did it and she just kept saying that she doesn't know blah blah blah and it didn't mean anything.
After telling her it hurt me and everything, everytime I wanted to discuss it or at least ask her about it she would tell me to not bring it up anymore and move on and that it won't happen again. I haven't brought it up for about a year and it is STILL eating at me knowing she had the nerve to talk to another guy and try and hide it from me. She keeps saying she would never actually sleep with another guy (Im her first and vice versa) and that it was just harmless. Well now I have the issue of every time we aren't together, and I find out she is around guys I get a feeling like I can't trust her and in my head I believe she would do something if given the opportunity. 

It hurt to set it aside and marry her about 8 months later (married now for about 5 months) but I knew I loved her and now I'm at a point where she still doesn't wanna talk about it but I just don't trust her and don't feel like I can regain that trust. My parents went through several ugly divorces when I was young which actually scar me because they cheated on each other pretty bad and I learned that at an early age. I just need a little guidance if anyone has ever had this situation or anything..

thank you


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

LostandNervous said:


> Well now I have the issue of every time we aren't together, and I find out she is around guys I get a feeling like I can't trust her and in my head I believe she would do something if given the opportunity.


Given the fact that this is happening when she is in those situations, it mostly sounds like jealousy stemming from mistrust. Jealousy is a nasty beast that you will need to learn to overcome, or it will destroy your marriage, sex life, etc.. Search for ways to overcome it. It took me losing my (then girlfriend) to kick this from my system, and I hope you can find ways to kick the habit without having to experience that. Your marriage should have transparency- She has all your passwords and you hers. That doesn't mean you should check each others computer daily, but the simple fact that you _could_ not only keeps things in check, but also helps you understand that you don't need to worry.

On that same note, you still decided to marry her, and it's been a year. It's way past the point that you should have dealt with this. Has she done *anything* since to remind you of the situation, or is it simply your own fears running rampant? Communication is key, and without it these situations have no resolution.

EDIT:



LostandNervous said:


> I feel like I may not be that attracted to her either. Also, to be completely honest, I probably would cheat on her if the opportunity presented itself, and I'm not trying to be an ******* or sound inconsiderate but I'm being honest and I understand it's not right.


Your other topics give a lot of insight into your requests for advice. You've said quite a few things that just lead me to believe that you aren't ready for a serious commitment. Instead of reflecting, you are deflecting: You know how you would act, and you assume your wife would do the same.


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## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

Yeah, I understand it sounds terrible, and I've come to realize just because I feel that way about cheating doesn't mean to act on it and completely destroy her world. I'm at the point that I do understand that I may not of (or be) ready for a serious commitment but I am already balls-deep in one lol. I want to try to fix the errors and make things work. 

I'm a strong believer in the fact that men can have several sexual flings and not have emotions tied in to them and feel nothing emotional wise, but if a women cheats emotional (ie her talking to this guy online and flirting sexually) it hurts me because she kept lying to me even AFTER i confronted her about it. She kept saying she doesn't like him at all and doesn't find him attractive at all which is bull****. It hurt me tremendously to know that I asked for her hand in marriage then a while later she goes out and does this too me. 

Prior to our engagement I did in fact try to break it off with her about 3 times and all times she talked me into working things through even if I said I didn't feel like it'd work...which they never did, she would change for a few weeks then revert back to the same old things she was doing that annoyed me and pissed me off. 

I know I should let go of the past and move on but everytime the situations come up, it pops into my head. I've caught her prior to our engagement lying to a male friend of hers about something that happened (in which the lie made her look good to him) and then she even sent flirty messages to him but nothing to the extent to where the other guy went. Our trust is broken and I just want to mend it but I feel like the time has past, if I even confront this stuff now she'd just flip out on me (I don't EVER tell her that I'm feeling like she will cheat or flirt again.)


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