# I don't know how to leave



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

I think I wan't a divorce but I don't know how to leave.

My husband is a very jealous and insecure person, but I didn't find that out until after we were married. All we do is argue and he accuses me of doing things I'm not doing almost everyday. 

This all started not long before we were married but we got into an argument because he saw a chat in Gmail that a male coworker and I had about recommendations of where to go, since I was not from the area. My husband automatically thinks somethings going on and that was a very disrespectful thing to do. We talked about it and moved on. Different time but same conversation with the same coworker. My husband sees another chat where I buy this coworker food. I did not want to buy food for just myself, I felt bad, so I asked multiple people in the office and this male coworker is the only one who wanted something. To my husband this is the most horrible thing and now want to go do the same...

Next work trip, he finds that the director of the job is not a decent man. I have to respond to this person and it just so happened that he would call me when my husband was working (not intentionally) so my husband thinks its on purpose and causes another argument. Then one night the guy calls my husband and jokes and says he's coming back into town and asks to stay in our room. My husband is disrespectful (to me) and tells him to bring his wife, to be a prick to the guy. He gets off the phone and I say that that was weird and my husband gets mad at ME because I didn't say anything to the guy saying he wants to stay in our room. I was like, are you kidding me?! Not to mention on this work trip he goes down to get breakfast at the hotel and comes back up and tells me the woman working downstairs gave him recommendations of where to go! This is another time, but my husband goes through my phone and sees a text between a female coworker sent be about the guy. She saw him one day and told me she thought he was good looking or whatever so she texts me and tells me he's married and has kids. I just tell her the generic Oh no Im sorry! So my husband sees that and causes an argument because I said "Oh no" that I said that because I was interested. Yeah, no. 

Time goes by and we both decide to stop traveling. I am an admin and I do project billing. I have to respond to men, women, anyone. It's a job. I am asked to do and revise these bills, now all of a sudden these men are "my men" because I have to respond to them and "do what they ask." This is most of what are arguments are. Which is now almost daily. My husband has a job as well and has to do things for other people as well. Again, it's a job, I know, but he doesn't see it that way.

Most recently it was about me buying a coworker food a year and a half ago that he apparently just saw and now "I'm a hoe." And all these other very hurtful disrespectful comments. And he says I've cheated and he's going to treat me the way I treat him. I'm guessing he's going to cheat because he thinks I have? 

Other arguments are that he says I don't care about him because I don't initiate sex. Excuses or not, this man works from 5 am to 4-5 pm, sometimes later. Then comes home and works another 3-4 hours almost 7 days a week. I am always tired, probably because I barely see the light of day. Oh he doesn't trust me to go to the store and if I do I'm going because I'm trying to find someone else. Maybe I don't initiate because of the way he treats me or maybe I just don't want to. He also asks me and gets mad that I don't because I don't give him blow jobs. I hate it and they don't call it a job for nothing! But it seems VERY important to him. Another argument is, he wanted me to bring him food at work but I said no because I was working and then he says work is my priority and I do "everything for my men", even though I've asked him to bring me coffee and he didn't. Because he was working.

It's exhausting. I'm embarrassed to even write this because of how ridiculous it is. Don't get me wrong. There are good times where he's super sweet and caring but lately its just argument after argument. The good times last a few days.

I can't take it anymore. He's treated me like this since we've been married which is a year and a half. I am so tired of being accused and disrespected. We have no kids. I am no perfect person myself but I have never cheated and I don't know what to do. I've always been the type of person who doesn't leave no matter how bad it is. I don't know how. I always think if I leave its really over or I don't want to give up easily. Anyone have any advice? Am I doing something wrong? I personally don't think I am but am I missing something?


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Your husband is a control freak. Yes , it's time for a wake up call. Even though no infidelity has occurred on your part the seed of jealousy has been planted. And it will only grow. 

I don't think MC will be of much help.

Leave now , and get on with your life. A husband calling his wife a ***** is way over the top.

Live with it or Get rid of it

Best of luck , Jimi


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Get out while you can - safely. And hurry.
Do you have family you can stay with for a short while?


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I’m never in favor of divorce except for adultery and abuse. But you are being abused mentally. And I could see it escalating to physical abuse if you stay.

You want to leave, but want to make sure you’re doing the right thing, which is commendable. I think you should leave immediately. My only concern is your H isn’t going to make it easy. Do you have family you can stay with?


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

ninas321 said:


> I think I wan't a divorce but I don't know how to leave.
> 
> My husband is a very jealous and insecure person, but I didn't find that out until after we were married. All we do is argue and he accuses me of doing things I'm not doing almost everyday.
> 
> ...


I am assuming you are young and attractive and your husband seems to have insecurities with this.
You said, "A director of a job on one night the guy calls my husband and jokes and says he's coming back into town and asks to stay in our room. My husband is disrespectful (to me) and tells him to bring his wife, to be a prick to the guy. He gets off the phone and I say that that was weird and my husband gets mad at ME because I didn't say anything to the guy saying he wants to stay in our room".
Sorry, but I don`t think your husband was being disrespectful at all. Even if the guy was joking he had no right to call your husband at home with such a comment and all your husband done was to counter call that guy out, he was in no way being rude. Even if some guy done that to me I`d not have been so polite and would have told him where to go in no uncertain terms.
It appears you are more concerned about some jerk being disrespected than your husband, even to a point you`ve taken this personally. There must be something in your behaviour with that guy that made him comfortable talking to your husband this way including you are siding with that jerk. Why is that?
Stuff like this can give a husband insecurities, especially if these are guys your husband doesn`t know.
As regarding the sex part, I also assume you haven`t been married long. You and your husband should be doing the deed several times per week, which means there must be serious problems with your relationship.
I suggest your husband and you go for marriage counseling and if this doesn`t work than consider getting a divorce before having too many commitments together such as children and shared assets and while you`re still young enough to make a fresh start.
Anyway, it seems you have already made your mind up to leave your husband, but does he know you may drop the D bomb on him soon?


----------



## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

ninas321 said:


> Am I doing something wrong?


Yes you are. You're restrictive in your sexual relationship with your husband, yet you're freely throwing around all this sexual energy to other males that obviously makes your husband feel extremely uncomfortable. It's not that you've cheated or not that makes him angry, it's that you're systematically putting yourself in places where that CAN happen. These ARE NOT behaviors consistent with a faithful wife.

A married woman has no place in allowing her boss to contact her husband to let him know he is sleeping in the same room. This shows a degree of intimacy between your boss and you that would make me get in the freaking car, drive to wherever you are and hand you the divorce papers immediately.

And this is not about your feelings ninas321, it's about your actions. If you didn't engage in _shady_ stuff you wouldn't have to deal with the blow back and eventually how you feel. This starts and ends with you. Not your feelings, your actions.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Gonna be honest the thing with your boss calling him would be a red flag to me - "Then one night the guy calls my husband and jokes and says he's coming back into town and asks to stay in our room." WTF. What boss does that? Why does he feel comfortable enough to do that? Was anything said to your boss about that?

I would probably say to him - "Listen, don't call here and make inappropriate jokes. If you want to call my wife keep it about work. Understood?" And then wait for his answer. He is not MY BOSS.

I wouldn't care if my wife was embarrassed. It's a job, you get paid to do it, who cares about that dudes ego. You have an HR department, you can talk to them if there is a problem. It's inappropriate for him to be calling and doing that. Talking about your husband, making jokes about staying in your room. The conversation should be professional. YOU should have checked that.

See normally and at first I was on your side, but the boss thing makes me think that we are not getting the full story here. How much time and energy do you put into your work relationships? Particularly the male ones?

"the director of the job is not a decent man." What makes you say that? What actions tell you this? 

Let's hear more about your going out with your co-workers? Do you go out alot? Anyone guys in particular besides the guy you write about? How much texting was happening with this guy? Was it after hours? How long were your interactions? Thing is the boss thing would already put me on alert, and the fact that you don't see that makes me think there is more to this story.

The difference between your husband and me is I wouldn't insult you, but there would damn sure be discussions about that. I would ask you to read the book "Not just friends". Because something is off here.

Your husband seems emotionally insecure so he doesn't have the tools nor the discipline to check this nonsense. Instead he lashes out passive aggressively. In this case he is wrong and needs to be checked. Maybe he is very insecure. 

However that doesn't mean he is wrong in his concern though at least with the boss thing, which it seems is where this all started. And YOU seem to know this because it's the first thing you talk about in your post.

Now you can talk about how he talks to you and you should, that's not right. Still don't assume the next guy will be cool with your inappropriate boundaries either. YOU should have shut that stuff down right away in my mind. The next guy might just leave when this stuff comes up. Or he may have his female coworkers calling your room and asking to stay, or be buying them lunch.

Frankly it's too exhausting to be with someone who doesn't have strong boundaries around work or any other social situation. Life is too hard already.

I agree with the other post, marriage counseling.

By the way my wife is a director and supervises between 10-20 people. Never have to worry about anything inappropriate, nor do I. It's understood, I am the same way. Work is work, not social club.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No better time to get out than right now. Tell him the two of you are not suited and move on.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Get out while you can - safely. And hurry.
> Do you have family you can stay with for a short while?


Yes, I do. He keeps throwing out divorce as well.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Then he should be okay with the idea — unless he’s using it as a threat. In any event it doesn’t sound as if you’re compatible so today’s a good day to start sorting your life out.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> I’m never in favor of divorce except for adultery and abuse. But you are being abused mentally. And I could see it escalating to physical abuse if you stay.
> 
> You want to leave, but want to make sure you’re doing the right thing, which is commendable. I think you should leave immediately. My only concern is your H isn’t going to make it easy. Do you have family you can stay with?


Thank you. He will make it easy, he's threatening divorce as well. Which maybe is why I'm hesitant to leave? It's difficult.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I am assuming you are young and attractive and your husband seems to have insecurities with this.
> You said, "A director of a job on one night the guy calls my husband and jokes and says he's coming back into town and asks to stay in our room. My husband is disrespectful (to me) and tells him to bring his wife, to be a prick to the guy. He gets off the phone and I say that that was weird and my husband gets mad at ME because I didn't say anything to the guy saying he wants to stay in our room".
> Sorry, but I don`t think your husband was being disrespectful at all. Even if the guy was joking he had no right to call your husband at home with such a comment and all your husband done was to counter call that guy out, he was in no way being rude. Even if some guy done that to me I`d not have been so polite and would have told him where to go in no uncertain terms.
> It appears you are more concerned about some jerk being disrespected than your husband, even to a point you`ve taken this personally. There must be something in your behaviour with that guy that made him comfortable talking to your husband this way including you are siding with that jerk. Why is that?
> ...


I didn't give much detail on "this guy". My husband and I worked together at the time. We were both traveling for work on the same job. My husband was the project manager and the guy was the director. They were in contact as well. The director called him to talk about the job and then started joking around. And that's my fault? I wasn't siding the guy at all. I got defensive because my husband was mad at me for not jumping in the conversation when it wasn't even my conversation...
As far as the sex part, as I said, my husband works 7 days a week from morning until night. He comes home then works some more. I'm tired at 10-11 pm, I'm human. I'm expected to not be tired and "do the deed"? Seems a little wrong.
I've suggested therapy, he doesn't want to. 
He knows I am considering divorce. He is as well.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> Yes you are. You're restrictive in your sexual relationship with your husband, yet you're freely throwing around all this sexual energy to other males that obviously makes your husband feel extremely uncomfortable. It's not that you've cheated or not that makes him angry, it's that you're systematically putting yourself in places where that CAN happen. These ARE NOT behaviors consistent with a faithful wife.
> 
> A married woman has no place in allowing her boss to contact her husband to let him know he is sleeping in the same room. This shows a degree of intimacy between your boss and you that would make me get in the freaking car, drive to wherever you are and hand you the divorce papers immediately.
> 
> And this is not about your feelings ninas321, it's about your actions. If you didn't engage in _shady_ stuff you wouldn't have to deal with the blow back and eventually how you feel. This starts and ends with you. Not your feelings, your actions.


Where in my post did I suggest I was "freely throwing around sexual energy"?

I guess I didn't give much detail about "my boss". My husband and I were both on the same work trip, we worked together. My husband was the project director of the job and the other guy was the director. They were in contact. There was zero intimacy between me and the director.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You get an attorney and take the attorney's advice how to leave.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> Gonna be honest the thing with your boss calling him would be a red flag to me - "Then one night the guy calls my husband and jokes and says he's coming back into town and asks to stay in our room." WTF. What boss does that? Why does he feel comfortable enough to do that? Was anything said to your boss about that?
> 
> I would probably say to him - "Listen, don't call here and make inappropriate jokes. If you want to call my wife keep it about work. Understood?" And then wait for his answer. He is not MY BOSS.
> 
> ...


Yes, I didn't give a whole lot of backstory to this situation. My husband and used to work for the same company. We were both on the same work trip. My husband was the project manager and the guy was the director. My husband was in contact with him as well, even more than I was. I have zero idea why he would joke around about staying in our room. I gave zero interest or idea to the guy. I did not see him once on this work trip. He called a few times asking about the project billing I was working on and sometimes would ask about my husband and I. Wouldn't it have been my husbands job to say something, as it wasn't my conversation?
I say he isn't a decent man because things my husband told me about him. I met the man previously on another job for 1 second. A Hi-Bye thing and that is all.

I really don't see what seems "off". 

Ive suggested counseling. He says no...


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You defend yourself well.
At this point in this discussion, I see no reason to, not do the same.

It is obvious that you and your husband are not compatible.....at all.
That alone, is a good enough reason to get divorced.

Life is short, be as happy as one can reasonably be.
Start over, be safe.

Good Luck.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@ninas321 

How long have you and your husband been married? 
Do the two of you have children together?
Do you and your husband do anything together socially? Do you two go out on dates? If so, how often?

Your husband sounds abusive. He seems to be jealous and controlling. I doubt he will change. The only person you can change is yourself. Divorce seems like the right thing to do here. 

You need to see an attorney. I suggest you do it and not tell your husband that you are right now so you can get your plan in place. Many attorneys will give a free half hour to one hour consultation with the hope that you will hire them. This would give you a chance to interview them and find an attorney whose approach you think will be good for your situation.

You will need to gather all financial information such as bank statements, bills, assets, birth & marriage certificates, etc. You could just get copies if needed. Also get an inventory of all the valuables in your home. Store all of this in a safe place like at a family member's home or rent a storage space. 

Do you two own the home you live in or do you rent?

I know that leaving and getting a divorce can seem daunting. So, make a list of all the things you need to do from seen an attorney, getting all the financial & legal docs together, etc. Then work the list. If you do that, you only have to concern yourself with the next thing on the list and you will chip away at the huge task of leaving your marriage.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> @ninas321
> 
> How long have you and your husband been married?
> Do the two of you have children together?
> ...


We've been married for a year and a half and we do not have kids. 

We do not go on dates. He works from morning until until night, comes home and then works more. Almost 7 days a week. And every once in a while he will have a Sunday off and he works on the house (renovating).

We own the home.

I truly do not want a thing from him. I want no money, he can keep the house. Do I still need all of these documents?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ninas321 said:


> We've been married for a year and a half and we do not have kids.
> 
> We do not go on dates. He works from morning until until night, comes home and then works more. Almost 7 days a week. And every once in a while he will have a Sunday off and he works on the house (renovating).
> 
> ...


Get advise from a lawyer.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ninas321 said:


> We've been married for a year and a half and we do not have kids.
> 
> We do not go on dates. He works from morning until until night, comes home and then works more. Almost 7 days a week. And every once in a while he will have a Sunday off and he works on the house (renovating).
> 
> ...


Did you provide any money for the down payment on the house?
Is your name on the mortgage and the deed of the house?

In a community property state, all assets gained during the marriage and all debts belong to both spouses. Keep that in mind.

If your name is on the deed and mortgage for the home, you will need to do whatever is necessary to remove yourself from those. That might mean that your husband has to refinance the home. And right now, the interest rates are very high.

Whether or not you have to collect all that info depends on how you go about the divorce. For example, if the two of you do the divorce, agree on everything, and file the paperwork yourself you won't need to. I did that on my divorce from my stepchildren's father. The divorce cost me $135.00. The divorce petition simply stated that we had no common debt or assets.

But if he fights you, you are going to need an attorney. And you will most likely have to list all the assets (bank account, investments, even expensive household items, jewelry, etc. and who 'owns' them. Any separate assets such as things either of you owned prior to marriage that have not been mingled with marital assets. You will also have to list all bills and they will be divided between the two of you during the divorce process. I went through with my divorce from my son's father and in other divorces in which I did the forensic accounting for the divorces.

We don't give legal advice here on this forum. The above is just from my experience. You need to speak to an attorney. I would also suggest that you look for your state's court system self-help site to get as much info from them as you can. They should have all the forms with instructions. There are also books available through Amazon (or other book sellers) that can educate you on divorce in your state.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ninas321 said:


> Yes, I didn't give a whole lot of backstory to this situation. My husband and used to work for the same company. We were both on the same work trip. My husband was the project manager and the guy was the director. My husband was in contact with him as well, even more than I was. I have zero idea why he would joke around about staying in our room. I gave zero interest or idea to the guy. I did not see him once on this work trip. He called a few times asking about the project billing I was working on and sometimes would ask about my husband and I. Wouldn't it have been my husbands job to say something, as it wasn't my conversation?
> I say he isn't a decent man because things my husband told me about him. I met the man previously on another job for 1 second. A Hi-Bye thing and that is all.
> 
> I really don't see what seems "off".
> ...


With this information then he sounds way too insecure. Move on.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yikes! I wouldn’t let my boss speak to me like that, let alone my husband! in my country that’s called sexual harassment. Wowsers. Asking to sleep in your room? Ooooof! 

Your tone also suggests you feel justified here and want to hear only one thing from posters.

Not sure Id be that friendly with my male coworkers either, everyone can get their own lunch, really, unless my job description entails it (I did have to be lunch lady at one job). I like to be professional and wouldn’t put anything in writing (email) or jeapordise myself, my career or my marriage. 

I’m not sure that this is your insecure type of jealous husband making something out of nothing. Your male coworkers are a little… fresh. He’s got a problem with them, and rightly told your boss off where you didn’t. Fair enough. 

What part of this is enjoyable for you? 

I mean, if I had creeps who weren’t responding to my shutdowns, I’d actually prefer my husband took over. Even then, I’d probably stay quite and not have any triangulation. You know, that thing where my ego benefits from having men fight over me. And my poor husband going insane jumping through hoops to bat other men away. He shouldn’t have to feel like that.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Did you provide any money for the down payment on the house?
> Is your name on the mortgage and the deed of the house?
> 
> In a community property state, all assets gained during the marriage and all debts belong to both spouses. Keep that in mind.
> ...


Thank you for the information. I just meant I don’t know how to leave emotionally.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

`


ninas321 said:


> Thank you for the information. I just meant I don’t know how to leave emotionally.


I realize that's part of it. That's why I suggested that you make a to-do list because then you can just concentrate on one little thing at a time. 

Have you considered getting into counseling. There are organizations that are specifically for helping people in an abusive situation find the strength to leave the relationship/marriage.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Yikes! I wouldn’t let my boss speak to me like that, let alone my husband! in my country that’s called sexual harassment. Wowsers. Asking to sleep in your room? Ooooof!
> 
> Your tone also suggests you feel justified here and want to hear only one thing from posters.
> 
> ...


No, I do not want to hear one thing. Which is why I asked if I was doing something wrong. But when people tell me I’m doing things that I didn’t, I will defend myself. Which is what I have to deal with on a daily basis.


----------



## ninas321 (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> `
> 
> I realize that's part of it. That's why I suggested that you make a to-do list because then you can just concentrate on one little thing at a time.
> 
> Have you considered getting into counseling. There are organizations that are specifically for helping people in an abusive situation find the strength to leave the relationship/marriage.


Thank you, I will look into it.


----------

