# What should a letter include or not ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hi people .
Just for anyone dropping in that wouldn't know , we separated 8mths ago after 18yrs , 12 married.
There'd been heaps of stress over 3-4yrs, we were both worn out , changed a lot and l fell into an EA and that among the other stuff hurt x very much. Eventually we separated - x's decision.

l have been thinking about a letter to x but l can't decide on what l should or shouldn't write under my particular circumstances .

Personally l am unsure about my views on any poss R of late , but l would definitely be open to looking at it if x was or thought about it down the track. Well, until my life says otherwise anyway and moves a long in a new direction.

I've hashed out 8 pagers , 10 liners , apologies , explaining how and why we got how we did, as well as pointing out that l do still love her very much , would be open to R - for now , but life would take new turns at some stage no doubt.

What should it entail, what's best and worst things to include or to not?

Basically , l want her to know l guess that l am sorry for my part in things but although l may be interested in R, it's also time I got started with moving on properly.
I dunno , door possibly open but at the same time some closure for me and well , a warning of sorts l guess , don't take too much longer .

Feel free to lay out samples , l know a lot of other people here would benefit too.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Whitehawk it's funny as I was thinking of posting a similar thread to yours. I am at the stage where I am thinking about writing a letter to my H. 

My H is the one who ended things and said he doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore. (I have a seperate thread with all the background info if anyone is interested). He hasn't bothered really to see solicitors about getting a divorce even though he says he wants one. Tbh I don't think he is entirely sure about everything, or maybe I'm wrong.

But I was thinking of writing a letter just to see if there is any hope of R still left, like you I want to leave the door open but at the same time I want to get closure and move on with my life. This for me will be the final time I reach out to communicate with him. 

I think it's best to say things from your heart, but don't sound too needy. You don't want your H or W thinking you can't live without them and are miserable. But if you are open to R let them know that you would like to see them/talk to them. I was going to keep the tone of the letter friendly, maybe mention a few things that only me and my H used to share, like a joke or a memory just to break the ice. 

I'm not sure if my advice is great because I actually haven't sent a letter to my H yet and seen the results. But I just thought I would share with you what I was thinking of writing to give you an idea.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Don't send the letter - express yourselves here.

Sending the letter is needy and unattractive - it will be viewed as pining. Sad, but true.

Continue detaching and leave them alone. 

If they decide to rejoin you - you won't have to look for them.

Keep working on yourselves.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your chance to R or not won't depend on a letter. Don't do it.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hmm, once again which way which way ?
l get you Juicy , to a T .
Guy's it's not so much as about a maybe R as more of a saying your piece and some closure . l spose in knowing you have said it , to me that gives me my power back. 
Like l have said it , it's done , l feel peace again and the ball is out of my court once and for all. Like l move on from here and whatever is in their head is is at their risk and initiative from here - or somem like that :scratchhead:
To be honest , problem from here is l have done nothing for 8mths except work on myself , life , my daughter , stuff .

Storm , that's what l would need too , we must be different  and thanks so much for the nitty gritty , you too Lucy.

Will sure take a look at the infidelity section to thanks for that.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Whitehawk

I agree with ReGroup, don't send it, unless you already have. 

Needy, pining, shows you're thinking about her too much. 

Good luck, mate. I know how awful it all is. 

BW


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> Whitehawk
> 
> I agree with ReGroup, don't send it, unless you already have.
> 
> ...



Really BW , thanks for the feedback buddy and yeah , you ain't wrong .

Don't know don't know :scratchhead:. Pretty surprised though , l thought a letter was the advised thing .


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> l fell into an EA and that among the other stuff hurt x very much. Eventually we separated - x's decision.
> 
> *Your wife made the choice to end the relationship, is this because of the affair you had?*
> 
> ...


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Hawk

I hate to add to your confusion but I have changed my opinion. I agree with what most of what Torani wrote but the bottom line is you believe you are the fun who really f**cked up, then you should tell her you were wrong, and that you love her. Nothing more.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Whitehawk, I was holding on to hope for R between me and my H. I was ready to send him a letter, letting him know that I was open to R but at the same time for me to gain some closure. But the other day I saw that my H had changed his facebook profile pic to a photo of him and the OW who he was texting and flirting with before.

This has totally crushed me, I wanted to tell him so many things but now I don't know if it will matter and I am having second thoughts. I don't know but if I had tried to reach out to my H earlier then maybe we could have tried to R. But it could be that he was already too involved with her and even if I had reached out it wouldn't have changed things. I'm not sure right now but I still think I will write a letter, it will be different from what I originally planned but I will keep some things the same. Atm though I don't know when I will send it to him.

What I am trying to say is don't wait too long Whitehawk. If you really want to do this then do it, you might get the ending you want but at the same time you might face rejection. If you feel strong enough to handle any outcome then it is up to you. 

All I am saying is don't wait until it's too late, maybe just tell her you love her and you are sorry and then see from there? I think what others have said is good advice, get those two points across as they are the most important.

I am full of mixed emotions right now so I hope my reply is helpful to you. Good luck and keep posting!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks guys and gals .
Mine started seeing an om. She met him and leaned on him 3-4 wks before we split and then started seeing him. No doubt he helped her out the door.
She told me about it with the separation and said he'd just been a shoulder to lean on.l didn't believe they'd only been friends but found out myself it was right.
Oddest pair you've ever seen , pretty sure it ended a few mths back as she's always home and calls me much more lately. Dunno what that's about.
There was much more to it than just my EA . She'd come into early menopause , became deeply depressed , changed jobs , had two opp's in 6mths, l'd been a pain and got too close to a mutual friend too, we had heaps of stress. lt was a bloody rough time for her.

She did start a facebook but would you believe l can't find her page , tried everything. She's not into it though and l doubt there's even anything on it anyway but , could be wrong.

l really would like to at least say sorry for my stuff , properly !
Yeah l reckon there is something in time with this stuff Juicy , l even feel it for myself .


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Do you have a fb account, WH? If you do and can't find her page she either deactivated it or she has blocked you.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah l've got just a sign up nothing in it acc. Didn't use my real name so she couldn't block me.
Dunno what's happened with hers.
Facebook seems to have one of the worst search and setups l've ever seen btw, pretty amazing for how big it is. So if she is still on maybe l'm doing something wrong !


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