# Red Flags and my gut were correct.



## Vikings

Got my wife's phone data and she is a cyber *****. Multiple men tons of cybersex images. I went ahead and confronted couldn't let it slide until I got my gadgets planted to find out if she is also having a physical affair. She "swears on a stack of bibles" that she is not having a physical affair but I don't believe her. She has lied about everything

The extent of her cybersex is such I really don't care now if she is also having the physical affair. 

I believe I'm going to file for divorce today and ask her to move out. Not in my wildest imagination did I think her cyber cheating was to this extent. 

I don't think I can forgive her. She is terrified because she knows the break up is her fault and she doesn't want all the families and eventually our son to know the truth. 

I will eat my crow because I really thought I was just going crazy but I wasn't, OMG you guys would flip from the evidence. It's like I really never knew her after 19 years. 

Thanks for the tech help getting into her data, and the support. 

Peace


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## Divinely Favored

Did you copy the evidence for court?!


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## Starman

My wife just cheated on me and we have been together 9 years, I never saw it coming and perhaps that was because I am a very nice, forgiving and perhaps naive person, but at the end of the day I was an extremely smart person as well and getting rid of her as fast as possible (within reason after getting the facts) was the best thing I could have done for myself. I now feel like I cannot believe anything she has said in the entire relationship and you just never truly know if anything was ever the truth. 

Thank goodness for technology in this day and age, its sure as hell helping many of us find out the truth and to be honest it seems most cheaters are very sloppy with protecting themselves. Maybe humans are just not capable of doing such terrible things to their partners and also have a sane enough mind to cover their tracks!

I wish you all the best, you may never know if she is having a physical affair, but at the end of the day, its still an affair and I hope you come through it all the better.


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## sparrow555

Should have waited for the PA proof. Right now, she will be focused on covering any other evidence. 

If she can cheat, she can lie much more easily.. her words are worth nothing now


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## Sparta

Vikings, first of all i'm sorry your wife decided to make a decision to Betray your marriage. Her infidelity needs to be faced with consequences no rugs sweeping whatsoever. Divorce is the best way.! even if you decide to reconcile after divorce you can have her sign a prenup. That would protect you Financially. Please For your sake Keep updating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round

Sorry, Vikings .

How were you able to actually see the images?


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## dash74

Divinely Favored said:


> Did you copy the evidence for court?!


This^


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## dash74

Sorry man


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## nursejackie

So Sorry Vikings- It is heartbreaking. You will mourn the death of what you thought your marriage was and who you thought your wife was. You know who you are though and you will come out the other side okay. Keep posting for support to help you through the coming months. Good luck.


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## Sbrown

Sorry but imo there are only two types of cheating. Physical and emotional. This IS a PA. She physically sent pictures of her physical self. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## naiveonedave

Sorry man. I wish you strength and wisdom as you navigate through this mess.


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## dash74

HTML:







Vikings said:


> I will eat my crow because I really thought I was just going crazy but I wasn't, OMG you guys would flip from the evidence. It's like I really never knew her after 19 years.
> 
> Thanks for the tech help getting into her data, and the support.
> 
> Peace



Do a 180 talk to your lawyer and work on you close nit support with friends and family 

Its easier to see with sunlight, gaslight will just muddy things up


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## thummper

Hey Vikings, Don't know what happened to your original thread, but you may recall that I told you she was just laughing at you and you confirmed that. I wonder if she's laughing now.


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## Lostme

Sorry that it turned out this way, but I'm glad you found out the truth instead of living blindly with a lying cheater. Stay strong


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## Evinrude58

So very sorry. Your wife was doing literally exactly what mine did.

Save ALL evidence. File for divorce.
If you change your mind. Reconcile only after divorcing and getting a prenup as someone said. Maybe she won't get everything you own if she is remorseful, but the way she has treated you, she's likely only sorry she got caught. 
pLEASE get an attorney and do or say nothing further without your attorney's advice and use that var to record all conversations.

I'm sorry. I've been there and know the horror and pain. But you will get through it. Get help quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stevehowefan

Sorry, man. What a terrible thing to find.


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## header

Divinely Favored said:


> Did you copy the evidence for court?!


Doesn't matter in most jurisdictions, courts don't consider cheating when making their decisions. 



sparrow555 said:


> Should have waited for the PA proof. Right now, she will be focused on covering any other evidence.
> 
> If she can cheat, she can lie much more easily.. her words are worth nothing now


Doesn't matter, she cheated on him, whether it was cybercheating, or a PA, it's over regardless.


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## Blossom Leigh

Sorry Vikings


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## ABHale

Hey Viking, Stay strong and protect your son. Wish there was a way to relieve the hurt and pain. Only thing I can think of is to give your son a hug and start living for him and yourself. Sorry this happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vulcan2013

Sorry. But glad you are past her gaslighting. Don't forget, to protect her secret life, she was willing to let you think you were crazy. Good for you on following through, "hunny bunny".


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## DoneWithHurting

Viking - drive the message home. Get tested for STD's and have your kids DNA checked. They may not be yours!
So sorry this is how it turned out.


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## PhillyGuy13

DoneWithHurting said:


> Viking - drive the message home. Get tested for STD's and have your kids DNA checked. They may not be yours!
> So sorry this is how it turned out.


To rephrase:

Yes get the STD test.

The DNA TEst is to show her the severity of her actions. I'm sure you don't doubt the kid(s) are yours and they probably are yours. 

Getting a DNA test will hit your wife like a ton of bricks. Clueing her in on the severity of her actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Sorry man. This sucks


Agreed. Sorry, @Vikings. 



PhillyGuy13 said:


> As others said, keep all evidence that you find secure. Email it to yourself to a couple different accounts...


Probably wouldn't do that. Instead open a Gmail/Google Drive account along w/ a Hotmail/OneDrive account, and upload everything there. Maybe Dropbox as well.



PhillyGuy13 said:


> ...and put a copy on a thumb drive. Give to a trusted friend to hold onto.


_*Definitely*_ wouldn't do that.



PhillyGuy13 said:


> Silver lining- at least now you know. No more limbo. No more thinking you are crazy. No more thinking oh if you are nice to her and talk to her and discuss your feelings with her the truth will come out on its own.
> 
> Stay strong my friend.


For reals.


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## GusPolinski

SecondTime'Round said:


> Sorry, Vikings .
> 
> *How were you able to actually see the images?*


Curious about this myself...


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## Lostinthought61

Viking, after what you shared about your first marriage you, i she knew it all, you would think she would have been extra sensitive to your fears....that is just cold....she can't say you did not warn her...no you need to tell everyone what she did...shame her


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## tech-novelist

I'm sorry to hear it, but not surprised in the least. She was showing too many red flags for it to be innocent.


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## bandit.45

You trusted your gut and it didn't let you down. I'm sorry this happened. 

Start protecting yourself right away. Open up a checking account in your name only and have your pay deposited there. Take out half your savings and put it in an account she cannot access. Close all joint credit card accounts and get one in your name only in case she trashes your credit. 

Go see a lawyer quickly and get the wheels rolling. Ask him how you can protect your money. I second the advice for STD testing and DNA testing for your kid. 

Again, do what you have to to protect yourself and your child. I would hold off on exposing her to the world. In a situation like hers, there is not one single OM to chase off, so exposure has a different dynamic in this instance. I would hold the evidence over her head. Use it to get her to be as nice as pie during the D process, so that you can leave the marriage with an even 50/50 split. 

Blackmail? Yep.


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## DoneWithHurting

This situation shows that periodically "snooping" on your spouse is probably a good thing.


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## dash74

bandit.45 said:


> You trusted your gut and it didn't let you down. I'm sorry this happened.
> 
> Start protecting yourself right away. Open up a checking account in your name only and have your pay deposited there. Take out half your savings and put it in an account she cannot access. Close all joint credit card accounts and get one in your name only in case she trashes your credit.
> 
> Go see a lawyer quickly and get the wheels rolling. Ask him how you can protect your money. I second the advice for STD testing and DNA testing for your kid.
> 
> Again, do what you have to to protect yourself and your child. I would hold off on exposing her to the world. In a situation like hers, there is not one single OM to chase off, so exposure has a different dynamic in this instance. I would hold the evidence over her head. Use it to get her to be as nice as pie during the D process, so that you can leave the marriage with an even 50/50 split.
> 
> Blackmail? Yep.


+1000 op 50/50 custody is in that split, listen to the bandit


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## MattMatt

Outing to all and sundry.

Well, as she wasn't cheating on you she would not mind you sharing her posts and pictures, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

Evinrude58 said:


> So very sorry. Your wife was doing literally exactly what mine did.
> 
> Save ALL evidence. File for divorce.
> If you change your mind. Reconcile only after divorcing and getting a prenup as someone said. Maybe she won't get everything you own if she is remorseful, but the way she has treated you, she's likely only sorry she got caught.
> pLEASE get an attorney and do or say nothing further without your attorney's advice and use that var to record all conversations.
> 
> I'm sorry. I've been there and know the horror and pain. But you will get through it. Get help quick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*While the evidence from her cell phone is largely inadmissible in any court action, any cell phone bill detailing areas such as frequency, calls made and received, and actual minutes used in cell and text time are!

But a good, seasoned lawyer could definitely use it for leverage against her!

Things for you to do:

(1) "The 180!" 
(2) Copy and save any and all evidence that you do not have!
(3) Go get yourself a "piranha" family attorney who will protect your assets and go after her jugular!
(4) Get your a$$ ASAP to an MD to check you out for the presence of STD's!
(5) Say absolutely nothing to her!
(6) Inform needed and trusted family and friends!
(7) Get her a$$ out of your house!
(8) File for temporary custody of your kids!
(9) Separate any and all joint accounts!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you come to right place for support!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Expect your WW to get crazy on you. Asking her to leave is a good idea. Buy a VAR and keep it on you at all times. 


Let me ask you, when was she doing all this sexting and online chat? While you were at work? Was she at home alone with your kid doing this sh*t? Since you erased your original thread I cannot go back and get the history of the marriage. You might have to give us the abridged wrap-up of how this all went down. I have read so many of these threads that I can no longer tell one from another.


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## WasDecimated

I'm sorry Vikings. I know exactly what you're feeling right now. 

Take a deep breath and remember to eat and sleep. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Proceed with the divorce. We are here to help you...we've all been down this road my friend.


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## Blossom Leigh

Do not spare her the pain from her actions.


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## jorgegene

sorry it turned out this way. i held out hope that she was just being vain and super secretive about it.

but one thing iv'e learned (unfortunately) is that usually your worst fears are the ones turn out to be true.

be strong brother.


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## Relationship Teacher

jorgegene said:


> but one thing iv'e learned (unfortunately) is that usually your worst fears are the ones turn out to be true.


There is a lot of evidence that indicates that gut feelings are pretty reliable (some exceptions).

It was my gut that instantly knew when something up with past relationships. I am glad that I listened.


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## WasDecimated

arbitrator said:


> *
> 
> Things for you to do:
> 
> (1) "The 180!"
> (2) Copy and save any and all evidence that you do not have!
> (3) Go get yourself a "piranha" family attorney who will protect your assets and go after her jugular!
> (4) Get your a$$ ASAP to an MD to check you out for the presence of STD's!
> (5) Say absolutely nothing to her!
> (6) Inform needed and trusted family and friends!
> (7) Get her a$$ out of your house!
> (8) File for temporary custody of your kids!
> (9) Separate any and all joint accounts!
> 
> Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you come to right place for support!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree 100% but I would say it is important that you separate all accounts and cancel all joint credit cards *before* you file for divorce. After you file, all accounts will be considered frozen and you will be accountable for withdrawals or money movements.


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## eric1

The good news is that filing for divorce and exposing her affair(s) are the next steps that you need to take regardless of whether you divorce or reconcile. 

Well, to be specific, if she is remorseful she'll offer to expose her affairs to friends and family first. You shouldn't need to lead this horse to water.

If you are getting divorced, and you're set on this, then I guess it doesn't matter who exposes who. It'll get out either way.


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## bandit.45

I wouldn't expose her affairs right away or all at once. 

That's his ace in the hole...his insurance... his passepartout..... he needs to manage what he exposes very carefully.


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## ThePheonix

And Viking, next time cut the good guy, "yes my queen" crap and don't get involved with a woman that as you say, is not "domestic". Your so called "domestic" women tend to think family and home take precedence over concern with their own personal pleasure and self indulgence. (no different than a couch potato man who lays up on his azz letting his property go to hell). Accordingly, women who place importance in family and a orderly home are less likely to be fantasizing about enticing and partying with other men. Take my word for it. :wink2:


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## JohnA

Hi Viking, 

Know this, the fact she lied to you and cheated and almost certainly went PA with more then one guy that defines you as a weak man or a loser. It is what you do about it that defines you and how you do it. Sadly? a physcal response twards her or tge OM involved is human it puts you up shyt creek. Instead focus on a deadly calm and a undenialable sense of purpose. Just be a stone wall of indifference and consequences. 

Start by following the template here and follow their reasoning, be able to respond using their language. It is deadly: Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. In this case you need to expose hard and fast not to end the affair but to stop gaslightimg to family and friends. 

Read @MattMatt thread on cheater scrip it will enable you to respond more effectively. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/128754-examples-cheaters-script-thread-resource.html. Hi Mat been a while since you updated this tread. You might also want to start listing three best responses to a script. 

Next read this link about the 180. It is very detailed and nuance: Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## JohnA

Viking, one other question: how much seif-confidence does she have that she can support herself? What is her rough income level ? Don't assume just because she might get a big check with a low paying job that she will be cool with that. For yourself make a list of what she assumes is basic expenses now. Add in a nice one bedroom and ulitiies, deposits, exc. Be sure to include auto, appartent and medical insurance. I think you will find bip check, low paying job does not go far. 

Keep this in mind if she becomes desperate to reconcile. Yes you are plan B, but without you Plan A falls apart. 

Be the 180 man. And tell the lawyer what you want, what he can pass off on a legal aid so your case requires no effort from him except to verify the forms are filled out does not cut it,


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## straightshooter

Sorry, but at least you followed your gut and did not let it go on.

Get to the attorney and get legal advice BEFORE you take any action. Remember, the attorney is NOT a therapist so get legal advice not marriage therapy advice.

You probably know you can ask her to leave and not make her leave. I would close any joint accounts and open your own so she cannot do any financial **** to you but the attorney can advise you on that also. 

My guess is if she was involved with as many men as it appears she will not want to give it all up and probably is addicted to the attention.


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## thummper

Hey Vikings, I, for one (I'm sure there are LOTS of others) who are just dying to know how you finally "cracked the code" and finally confirmed your suspicions.


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## Devastated an lost

Sorry for what you're going through, that really sucks. Stay strong & do what's best for you now.


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## wmn1

sorry Viking but now you have the truth. Act on it with precision and rid this woman from your life.

Who is the PA with ?

Did you find an attorney ?


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## Evinrude58

He said MULTIPLE men involved in cybersex with her. I actually wouldn't doubt it if she didn't have any physical contact YET. That's what my wife was doing. After a couple of months of cybersex, she suddenly wanted a divorce from a marriage that was going pretty darned well. Certainly not a perfect marriage, but she seemed happy before the cybersex. I'm sure it's all my fault that she decided to do that crap, yada yada.
I suspected as much when he described all the sex he was getting. But it would have went sour when she decided he was a bad husband, rewriting history, wanting strange, wanting freedom, wanting more from life, etc. etc., bs, bs. Then he would have been left with nothing.
I wish he would say if he saw the pics or not, and if so, how. I suspect he went on instagram or whatever and had her username. Or saw emails or messages. 
I'm very sorry, nobody should have to go through this. OP, I hope you don't have to with HER ever again.


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## *Deidre*

I think on some levels, an ‘emotional affair’ would be worse than a physical one. A one night lapse in judgement would still be a deal breaker for me, but a full on love affair, either online or offline, would be far worse. I’m sorry to read of this, Vikings. Please take care of yourself, and do not let this woman manipulate you into thinking you were responsible for her bad behaviors. I have a feeling that is coming, so be ready for it. Get an excellent attorney, and go NO CONTACT as much as possible. Hugs, and prayers for you!!


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## ConanHub

Looks like I don't owe anyone a draft but seriously sorry Vikings!

I'll treat you if I ever get the opportunity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bankshot1993

Hold on tight Vikings, its going to be a bumpy ride.

Just a thought and maybe this is part of why there is as much infidelity as there is:

The worst part about all this is that she throws everything away because she is hungry for a little attention and flattery. Betrays her husband and child and blows up everyone's life. When it is all said and done Viking will get stuck giving her half of everything, maybe if he's lucky he might get the son full time but most likely 50/50 split at best. He'll end up making support payments that will leave him to poor to date or find anyone new and basically get stuck living a very meager existence.

The cheating wife on the other hand will walk away with half of everything and a nice check at the end of every month to spend on whatever she wants and a line up of new suitors waiting for a chance to wine her and dine her, so in other words she gets what she wanted, the freedom to be with who ever she wants.

She does the crime, he does the time. 

Viking, I was really hoping we weren't right but the writing on the wall was to hard to ignore. Like everybody else has said, live for yourself and your son. maybe reconciliation can be worked out in the future but not until after a good long separation.


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## Chaparral

She may or may not have been physical with other men. That she was highly sexual with you is a strong indicator she wasnt in love with anyone else.

My read is however she got started, probably online chat and porn, she got addicted to what she was doing. She's been getting herself worked up and you have been doing the real thing with her.

On the other hand, one poster caught his wife and she was using the internet to hook up with many random guys in person.

Does it look like she may have been making any extra money? Have you checked her bank account?


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## Evinrude58

Vikings life is not nearly as gloomy. 50/50 custody usually means no child support. He already does all the child rearing. I wouldn't doubt if he gets full custody and she pays him child support. His life will get easier with the anchor off of his neck. She doesn't want to care for her child, I suspect. A good dad is extremely attractive to a woman. If he will stop being used as a doormat, he may easily find a good woman who helps and makes decent money. He can't do a lot worse than he had!

But I see what you mean and hope he has a good attorney.

I'm shocked that a couple of posters on his last thread thought that she wasn' t cheating..... I guess all us angry and bitter victims of infidelity might be a little more accurate than these guys admit....
This was as obvious as they come
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan

Vikings so sorry you are here. At the very least you have come to the right place for support.

Its very important that she experience consquences for her actions.


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## jsmart

bankshot1993 said:


> Hold on tight Vikings, its going to be a bumpy ride.
> 
> Just a thought and maybe this is part of why there is as much infidelity as there is:
> 
> *The worst part about all this is that she throws everything away because she is hungry for a little attention and flattery. Betrays her husband and child and blows up everyone's life. *When it is all said and done Viking will get stuck giving her half of everything, maybe if he's lucky he might get the son full time but most likely 50/50 split at best. He'll end up making support payments that will leave him to poor to date or find anyone new and basically get stuck living a very meager existence.
> 
> *The cheating wife on the other hand will walk away with half of everything and a nice check at the end of every month to spend on whatever she wants and a line up of new suitors waiting for a chance to wine her and dine her, so in other words she gets what she wanted, the freedom to be with who ever she wants.
> 
> She does the crime, he does the time. *
> 
> Viking, I was really hoping we weren't right but the writing on the wall was to hard to ignore. Like everybody else has said, live for yourself and your son. maybe reconciliation can be worked out in the future but not until after a good long separation.


The courts are so slanted against men. One of my co-workers had to pay his ex support even though he had full custody. And this is just a regular guy making 45K. 

No fault divorce = Man's fault.


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## *Deidre*

jsmart said:


> The courts are so slanted against men. One of my co-workers had to pay his ex support even though he had full custody. And this is just a regular guy making 45K.
> 
> No fault divorce = Man's fault.


I have a few single friends who are men and they are dead against marriage largely because of how the odds are stacked against men, when it comes to divorce and custody.


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## header

jsmart said:


> The courts are so slanted against men. One of my co-workers had to pay his ex support even though he had full custody. And this is just a regular guy making 45K.
> 
> No fault divorce = Man's fault.


Spousal support has nothing to do with custody. It has to do with the exspouse making more or all of the household income, and the lesser monied or nonworking spouse granted time to get back into the workforce. It's not an unfair concept although it can be abused and often is.

It's not that the courts are so slanted against men, it's that men usually are the breadwinners so they end up having to pay some of their incomes to their exwives for a while. It seems like the courts are against men but it happens often enough that women end up in the same position of having to support their exhusbands.

Having been more familiar with caselaw than I'd like, my opinion is that courts are slanted against men only when it comes to custody, most judges like to see the kids with the mother, all other things being equal, and even when a lot of other things aren't all that equal and dad would be the better parent.


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## EleGirl

Divinely Favored said:


> Did you copy the evidence for court?!


The evidence is useless in court. It is not technically/legally infidelity. For infidelity there have to be an actual physical affair.


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## Sbrown

Chaparral said:


> She may or may not have been physical with other men. That she was highly sexual with you is a strong indicator she wasnt in love with anyone else.
> 
> My read is however she got started, probably online chat and porn, she got addicted to what she was doing. She's been getting herself worked up and you have been doing the real thing with her.
> 
> On the other hand, one poster caught his wife and she was using the internet to hook up with many random guys in person.
> 
> Does it look like she may have been making any extra money? Have you checked her bank account?


She sent pictures of her physical self. Its a PA. 

Sent from my LGUK410 using Tapatalk


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## G.J.

Sbrown said:


> She sent pictures of her physical self. Its a PA.
> 
> Sent from my LGUK410 using Tapatalk


:scratchhead: ?


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## TheTruthHurts

Chaparral said:


> She may or may not have been physical with other men. That she was highly sexual with you is a strong indicator she wasnt in love with anyone else.
> 
> My read is however she got started, probably online chat and porn, she got addicted to what she was doing. She's been getting herself worked up and you have been doing the real thing with her.
> 
> On the other hand, one poster caught his wife and she was using the internet to hook up with many random guys in person.
> 
> Does it look like she may have been making any extra money? Have you checked her bank account?


I agree. She was intoxicated by the lust of other men once she lost weight.

She may have compartmentalized that as "not counting" - after all she did it right in front of you


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## Redactus

Vikings, best wishes to you....hang in there...it will get better after this is all done....


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## ThePheonix

TheTruthHurts said:


> .
> 
> She may have compartmentalized that as "not counting" - after all she did it right in front of you


My take is she did it in front of him because she had no respect and just plain didn't give a crap. Or maybe in another life she was a stripper.


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## bankshot1993

header said:


> Spousal support has nothing to do with custody. It has to do with the exspouse making more or all of the household income, and the lesser monied or nonworking spouse granted time to get back into the workforce. It's not an unfair concept although it can be abused and often is.
> 
> It's not that the courts are so slanted against men, it's that men usually are the breadwinners so they end up having to pay some of their incomes to their exwives for a while. It seems like the courts are against men but it happens often enough that women end up in the same position of having to support their exhusbands.
> 
> Having been more familiar with caselaw than I'd like, my opinion is that courts are slanted against men only when it comes to custody, most judges like to see the kids with the mother, all other things being equal, and even when a lot of other things aren't all that equal and dad would be the better parent.


If a cheating spouse can't be financially independant than they shouldn't be screwing around. If you're unhappy leave first, than when the divorce is final and you have your spousal support, than go find someone new. They should forfeit any rights to any financial restitution when they blow up their marriage by cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

Sorry Vikings, you will have a tough road ahead of you but this too shall pass and you will have moved on to better things. Hang in there.


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## truster

Hey Vikings, all the best wishes. I went through some very similar crap, and I know the next few weeks are going to be very difficult emotionally. Get some anxiety or sleep meds if you need to.. I'm very much not into solving problems with meds, but this period creates such intensity that it can be necessary just to sleep and function at a bare minimum.

I understand if interacting with the forum is too much for awhile, because this is probably the worst part of your life. I will say that if you stick around, a lot of people have been through very similar (if not almost the same) scenarios, and can be a big help to vent to.

Once you're over the emotional turmoil, let us know, and there's a lot of practical advice to follow -- ways to protect yourself financially and prepare for custody. If they'll cheat you in love, they'll cheat you in those.. I'm living it.


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## Sbrown

G.J. said:


> :scratchhead: ?


Lol it seems some think that cybersex isnt sex and that somehow since they didn't actually touch then it's not so bad. I say that's BS. Of the two types of adultery EA and PA cybersex is a PA. It's physical rather than emotional. Understand now?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## header

bankshot1993 said:


> If a cheating spouse can't be financially independant than they shouldn't be screwing around. If you're unhappy leave first, than when the divorce is final and you have your spousal support, than go find someone new. They should forfeit any rights to any financial restitution when they blow up their marriage by cheating.


Except in the real world people don't think and act that way.

Unfortunately we need to deal with reality not the fantasy that we'd like our lives to be.


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## bankshot1993

header said:


> Except in the real world people don't think and act that way.
> 
> Unfortunately we need to deal with reality not the fantasy that we'd like our lives to be.


That is exactly my point. A wife cheats on her faithful husband of twenty years and the courts reward her for it by giving her half of everything including half of her betrayed husbands paycheck for the next 5 years. As it was stated before no fault = husbands fault.

Maybe people would take it a little more serious and think a little harder about cheating if it was them that had to suffer the consequences instead of their spouse. First the betrayed husband is emotionally destroyed and then in the interest of kicking a guy when he's down the courts financially rape him and hand everything over to the person that devastated him and in some cases his family (kids) emotionally. Talk about rewarding bad behavior.

In consideration to how lopsided the legal system is slated against men it amazes me that any men are ever willing to marry at all.:frown2:


----------



## header

bankshot1993 said:


> In consideration to how lopsided the legal system is slated against men it amazes me that any men are ever willing to marry at all.:frown2:


Same reason guys don't get regular medical checkups and they don't wear their seatbelts.

It's going to happen to somebody else, not to them. THEIR wife would never cheat on them or take advantage of them because it's TRUE love.

At least half of those guys are wrong.

I was one of them.


----------



## thummper

I'm guessing his ww is going to find, to her dismay, that her hunny bunny will be turning into a ferocious Tasmanian devil. Wouldn't you love a front row seat to this confrontation? >


----------



## bandit.45

Sbrown said:


> She sent pictures of her physical self. Its a PA.
> 
> Sent from my LGUK410 using Tapatalk


I get where you are coming from in theory. In her mind she was with her OMs even though physically she was not, so in essence it was a physical affair by computer proxy. 

Most here will disagree on how you define it, but I agree with you that the intent was there. If one of those OMs suddenly showed up at her house, she would have jumped his bones in an instant. 

But all this is moot. I would bet even money she has already met and hooked up with several local men physically already. Only a polygraph could prove otherwise.


----------



## bandit.45

In this situation, I would tell Vikings to assume his wife has already physically hooked up with one or more of these men. He should not be afraid to tell her that he doesn't believe a word she says, and that she is guilty until she proves herself innocent.


----------



## Evinrude58

Stay strong and give her the divorce, the emotionless shark eyes, and the best lawyer you can afford. She deserves only the best.
Never let her see you sweat. NEVER tell her anything but that she is in the wrong. I accepted stacks of blame taller than Mt. Everest. Knowing the blame wasn't all mine. I read some Bullshi* website written by a female that professed that the only way to change the heart of a hardened wife is to empathize with her and show her you understand her feelings. Not to say you'll change, but explain how you understand her perspective of things and how you see now that you were hurting her. A hardened wife is not what she is, she's a remorseless cheater. They're different.

DO NOT DO THIS. It's bull**it in the case of a cheater/midlife crisis/chronic discontent. They will just use what you say to justify their bad behavior.

Emotionally, they are GONE GONE GONE. There's no changing their minds. You have to let them go and send them off with a smile. Never let them see you sweat this. They feed off the hurt that you are feeling and it EMPOWERS them to continue in their misdeeds.

Accept NO blame, make her OWN her infidelity, and show her no emotion either way. 

I am hoping you are able to come out of your pain as soon as possible. Try to avoid all communication and especially seeing her in person. If you do, it will hurt for days afterward, no matter how much you crave talking to them.

You will get through this faster if you place your hope in a new life, with a better person, withOUT your wife in it. She will do nothing from now on but bring you pain. That's a promise.
Minimize the pain. Get some anti-anxiety meds if you have to. I was on them for a few weeks and they helped. I didn't do the narcotic thing, xanax or whatever. I didn't need it. but the antianxiety stuff helped.
Good luck--- you are hurting. But nothing this bad can last forever. That's a promise.


----------



## truster

bankshot1993 said:


> In consideration to how lopsided the legal system is slated against men it amazes me that any men are ever willing to marry at all.:frown2:


If you wanna have kids, it's even MORE lopsided when you're not married. Damned if you do..


----------



## Vikings

The intensity of the betrayal is overwhelming. More than likely she did meet up and sleep with them. Doesn't matter the marriage is already destroyed just from the cyber. 3 nights a week my son and I come home from practice late and the bedroom has been smelling like her vagina for a few months now when we got home, I mean bad, boom it hits the nose, like you are stepping into the vagina room. Can't believe that I didn't realize what was happening. She and I workout in the bedroom, it is a big bedroom and there is more than enough room. I didn't ask her about it because it is not cool to ask the woman you love why her vagina is stinking up the room so bad. I just thought it was from her working out hard and it was getting sweaty and stinky. I just never thought she would cheat. It is all this new her, she has been working out and eating right and looks great. She is on fitness sites meeting guys and it grew from there. It makes me wonder if she would tell these men that I was sleeping next to her, I wonder if that was played as a turn on to them. 

I'm going to stop posting here about this, but I will come by and read any new comments. 

I sincerely appreciate the support, you guys helped me get to this point, thank you.


----------



## header

Vikings said:


> I didn't ask her about it because it is not cool to ask the woman you love why her vagina is stinking up the room so bad.


I'm sorry I laughed out loud at this part here.


----------



## GusPolinski

Vikings said:


> The intensity of the betrayal is overwhelming. More than likely she did meet up and sleep with them. Doesn't matter the marriage is already destroyed just from the cyber. 3 nights a week my son and I come home from practice late and the bedroom has been smelling like her vagina for a few months now when we got home, I mean bad, boom it hits the nose, like you are stepping into the vagina room. Can't believe that I didn't realize what was happening. She and I workout in the bedroom, it is a big bedroom and there is more than enough room. I didn't ask her about it because it is not cool to ask the woman you love why her vagina is stinking up the room so bad. I just thought it was from her working out hard and it was getting sweaty and stinky. I just never thought she would cheat. It is all this new her, she has been working out and eating right and looks great. She is on fitness sites meeting guys and it grew from there. It makes me wonder if she would tell these men that I was sleeping next to her, I wonder if that was played as a turn on to them.
> 
> I'm going to stop posting here about this, but I will come by and read any new comments.
> 
> I sincerely appreciate the support, you guys helped me get to this point, thank you.


OMFG!!!

Almost choked on my f*cking coffee!!!

:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jorgegene

Vikings said:


> The intensity of the betrayal is overwhelming. More than likely she did meet up and sleep with them. *Doesn't matter the marriage is already destroyed just from the cyber*. 3 nights a week my son and I come home from practice late and the bedroom has been smelling like her vagina for a few months now when we got home, I mean bad, boom it hits the nose, like you are stepping into the vagina room. Can't believe that I didn't realize what was happening. She and I workout in the bedroom, it is a big bedroom and there is more than enough room. I didn't ask her about it because it is not cool to ask the woman you love why her vagina is stinking up the room so bad. I just thought it was from her working out hard and it was getting sweaty and stinky. I just never thought she would cheat. It is all this new her, she has been working out and eating right and looks great. She is on fitness sites meeting guys and it grew from there. It makes me wonder if she would tell these men that I was sleeping next to her, I wonder if that was played as a turn on to them.
> 
> I'm going to stop posting here about this, but I will come by and read any new comments.
> 
> I sincerely appreciate the support, you guys helped me get to this point, thank you.


i'm so sorry brother.

someday the pain will pass, and i think you will look back and be thankful you didn't spend any more time with her than you did.

i pray it's sooner than later.


----------



## ConanHub

header said:


> I'm sorry I laughed out loud at this part here.


I have a headache and still can't stop!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Did you confront yet? Let us know your strategy / people can help - that's a different process.

Sorry man


----------



## Kobold

Vikings said:


> She is terrified because she knows the break up is her fault and she doesn't want all the families and eventually our son to know the truth.


Mere words couldn't express the lack of giving a sh*t I have about her fear of being exposed for what she truly is. She cheats on her spouse repeatedly, throws her own child under the bus just for her "giny tingles" and now she actually expects her victims to help conceal her dirty laundry for her? That's not remorse, that's not even regret, that's just plain old self preservation is all that is.


----------



## bandit.45

Vikings said:


> I'm going to stop posting here about this, but I will come by and read any new comments.
> 
> I sincerely appreciate the support, you guys helped me get to this point, thank you.


Don't leave for good. Take a break, get your head together, and drop us a line once in a while to let us know how you are progressing.


----------



## wilson

Definitely keep us updated. Unfortunately, the *hitstorm is just about to begin. Just because the marriage is over doesn't mean your problems are. Expect this process to get quite contentious. You don't want to make any mistakes that end up with her getting fat alimony checks and 100% custody of the kids.


----------



## JohnA

First don't stop posting, just limited it to once or twice a month. Remember her actions do not define you, only your reaction to er actions. Do not take this to be a morden metro man, white knight. 

Her failure to be honest and bold with you about the changes in her sexual desires destroyed a good marriage. She is a coward. The need to hide the "*****" side of her destoryed this marriage. It comes down to that old saying of what is a good wife. A lady on the street, a women in the home, and wanton in the bedroom. To bad she could not accept all three. What is a good husband, a man who never confuses where he is. 

Going forward learn to be a good guy who is bold.


----------



## thummper

Vikings, before you leave, could you share her reaction to being confronted with the evidence? God, I can't even imagine what you must be going through. :frown2:


----------



## JohnA

Oh, start by being bold by using this as a template to expose Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


----------



## Hope1964

I am so sorry. Cheating really really sucks.


----------



## *Deidre*

Expect her to blame you. To manipulate you. To try to get you back into bed. To beg, plead...and then call you every name in the book. I've seen this with friends who have gone through divorces when affairs are involved, not a pleasant sight.  I will be praying for you...and I pray for her, too...that she finds peace, for she doesn't have any...and is searching for it in all the wrong places. God's best for you!!


----------



## bankshot1993

Viking, its your decision whether or not to stop posting but remember. This forum is full of people that have gone through this and can offer insights that you may otherwise overlook because of judgement clouded by emotions. In addition, having an anonymous place to post your thoughts, rants, insecurities and ideas can be very therapeutic.

It can be very cleansing because you will find yourself challenged on your position at times which will in turn make you think it all the way through and other times give you ideas that you didn't think of. 

In either event, good luck and if you need us we'll be here.


----------



## kenmoore14217

OMG!! Has this thread been authenticated? 

And bs1993, is this some sort of Freudian thing? 

"It can be very *cleansing *because you will find yourself challenged on your position at times which will in turn make you think it all the way through and other times give you ideas that you didn't think of. "


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Yeah..... Vikings. I remeber the original thread.

Sorry it happened. I'm glad you listened to your gut and us "bitter hurt angry assumptive worst case scenario" people, who wouldn't believe specifically pass coded pictures were innocent weight loss images, before you ended up with an STD or another man's child........


----------



## Augusto

Vikings said:


> The intensity of the betrayal is overwhelming. More than likely she did meet up and sleep with them. Doesn't matter the marriage is already destroyed just from the cyber. 3 nights a week my son and I come home from practice late and the bedroom has been smelling like her vagina for a few months now when we got home, I mean bad, boom it hits the nose, like you are stepping into the vagina room. Can't believe that I didn't realize what was happening. She and I workout in the bedroom, it is a big bedroom and there is more than enough room. I didn't ask her about it because it is not cool to ask the woman you love why her vagina is stinking up the room so bad. I just thought it was from her working out hard and it was getting sweaty and stinky. I just never thought she would cheat. It is all this new her, she has been working out and eating right and looks great. She is on fitness sites meeting guys and it grew from there. It makes me wonder if she would tell these men that I was sleeping next to her, I wonder if that was played as a turn on to them.
> 
> I'm going to stop posting here about this, but I will come by and read any new comments.
> 
> I sincerely appreciate the support, you guys helped me get to this point, thank you.



Did anyone else just throw up?


----------



## giddiot

How appealing could she have been to someone else if she stinks up a room. Yuck.


----------



## G.J.

Last time I read TAM over lunch on my tablet


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

I've never been with a woman who could stink up a room from vaginal odor simply by working out and/or having sex. Sounds like an STD.


----------



## G.J.

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I've never been with a woman who could stink up a room from vaginal odor simply by working out and/or having sex. Sounds like an STD.


The other year one of my female trainers had to have a word with a member of my gym to quietly tell her what was happening when she 
had been sweating for a while .........turns out she had hyperhedrosis I think it was called


----------



## *Deidre*

Augusto said:


> Did anyone else just throw up?


almost....eek


----------



## bandit.45

Augusto said:


> Did anyone else just throw up?


My bile rose a bit.


----------



## bandit.45

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I've never been with a woman who could stink up a room from vaginal odor simply by working out and/or having sex. Sounds like an STD.


Or yeast....

Brings a whole new meaning to "bun in the ovun"....

Blech.....


----------



## Vulcan2013

Viking, stick around and TAM can help you stay sane through the D. If you get to 30 posts, you can request to have this thread moved to the private section, where it won't be public. 

Sorry you were being cheated on, but glad you have the truth. Or, enough of the truth.


----------



## TDSC60

Got grossed out, now my memory and my stomach are both queasy.

Did he ever answer the question about being able to view the recovered images?


----------



## naiveonedave

TDSC60 said:


> Did he ever answer the question about being able to view the recovered images?


No, he just said he had enough information to prove she was 'evil' (or some similar word) and he had enough to file.


----------



## LosingHim

Augusto said:


> Did anyone else just throw up?


When I work out, I work out HARD. I have also been a member of several pretty hard core gyms. I have never, ever, ever in my life smelled my own va-jay-jay or any other womans in that type of situation. 

Yes, women can give off a particular odor when they work out and sweat hard, but it's not the smell of the 'pink taco' permeating the room. It's the smell of sweat and hard work. 

This is just disturbing.


----------



## eric1

'Vagina Room' is definitely and legitimately one of the funniest things that I've ever read.

It would make an awesome band name.


----------



## G.J.

YUK


----------



## bandit.45

LosingHim said:


> When I work out, I work out HARD. I have also been a member of several pretty hard core gyms. I have never, ever, ever in my life smelled my own va-jay-jay or any other womans in that type of situation.
> 
> Yes, women can give off a particular odor when they work out and sweat hard, but it's not the smell of the 'pink taco' permeating the room. It's the smell of sweat and hard work.
> 
> This is just disturbing.


Female b.o. smells just like male b.o. to me. 

There was something else going on in that bedroom.


----------



## G.J.

bandit.45 said:


> Female b.o. smells just like male b.o. to me.
> 
> There was something else going on in that bedroom.


Sorry beg to differ...I smell both a lot

err not in a creepy way :surprise:

ADD:

oh hang on you mean normal B.O....yep go along with that..i thought V problems for some reason as poster was on about that


----------



## ConanHub

I know it's gross but I can't stop laughing!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

G.J. said:


> Sorry beg to differ...I smell both a lot
> 
> err not in a creepy way :surprise:
> 
> ADD:
> 
> oh hang on you mean normal B.O....yep go along with that..i thought V problems for some reason as poster was on about that


No I meant normal workout b.o. 

Sex has a different smell. I actually like the smell that permeates a room after I've made love to a woman. A woman's lubricant doesn't smell bad at all to me. 

Nasty vag stink is something very different.


----------



## G.J.

Moderator : can this be moved to the over 65 section please


----------



## bandit.45

G.J. said:


> Moderator : can this be moved to the over 65 section please


Depends......



:ezpi_wink1:


----------



## alte Dame

I apologize, Vikings, that your thread has made me laugh today. Honestly, your WW is either sick, doesn't wash, or is having sex (also unwashed) in the room with someone else. That odor doesn't come from a standard workout.

(Not washing regularly can do it. I remember not so fondly the odor of women's rest rooms in Europe back in the day.)


----------



## Evinrude58

I just hope the guy understands that all of us are sharing his pain and he comes here and unloads once in a while. Also, to hear other people's stories so when she tries blame shifting and plan b sex to keep him in a bad place so she can control him, he can get some support.
It's been infinitely helpful to me.

Wishing you a little less pain and a little more strength Viking.
Stand tall with dignity. You are in the right on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

If you can't laugh about it, then all you can do is cry. Well, crying only gets you so far. 

I think trying to maintain a sense of humor is one of the most important factors in healing. We don't expound enough on humor as a healing agent as much as we should.


----------



## LosingHim

bandit.45 said:


> No I meant normal workout b.o.
> 
> Sex has a different smell. I actually like the smell that permeates a room after I've made love to a woman. A woman's lubricant doesn't smell bad at all to me.
> 
> Nasty vag stink is something very different.


I like the sex smell too. 

I have never.....ever.....ever, ever ever walked into a room where I've had sex or know that sex has just happened and literally smelled funky vagina. Sex has it's own smell. 

There is a pregnancy phenomenon - vaginitis. Similar to a yeast infection and it can cause a smelly vag. But even then, regular showers take care of that. 

I just can't get over the vag smell permeating the room. I'm literally going to ask my husband if he's ever walked into a room and just smelled my vagina. 

This can't be normal. But the inappropriate side of LH is cracking up at this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## G.J.

There's a few problems that can cause it I'm unhappy to say as I posted a few pages back


----------



## G.J.

LosingHim said:


> I like the sex smell too.
> 
> I have never.....ever.....ever, ever ever walked into a room where I've had sex or know that sex has just happened and literally smelled funky vagina. Sex has it's own smell.
> 
> There is a pregnancy phenomenon - vaginitis. Similar to a yeast infection and it can cause a smelly vag. But even then, regular showers take care of that.
> 
> I just can't get over the vag smell permeating the room. I'm literally going to ask my husband if he's ever walked into a room and just smelled my vagina.
> 
> This can't be normal. But the inappropriate side of LH is cracking up at this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now stop laughing you...I forbid it...stop this minute...or i'll make you sit on the naughty step


----------



## bandit.45

Bad diet, UTI, yeast infection, bad hygiene, my cooking.....


----------



## Augusto

Just gross!!! Just be happy whatever fungus is growing in your wife, you won't have on your d*ck.


----------



## jorgegene

my wife says she can smell sex..........i can't

what does it smell like? i mean what would you compare it to?


----------



## Justinian

bandit.45 said:


> ... Sex has a different smell. I actually like the smell that permeates a room after I've made love to a woman.


I think the smell may be less enjoyable if it's your wife and your room, but you weren't involved in the lovemaking.


----------



## LosingHim

jorgegene said:


> my wife says she can smell sex..........i can't
> 
> what does it smell like? i mean what would you compare it to?


To quote an old movie. It smells like badussy. (booty, d*ck and p*ssy)

OK, I'm done being inappropriate today. :grin2:


----------



## the guy

My old lady stopped stinking when she stopped phucking all the strange she would pick up......come to think of it....even the cold soars when away.


----------



## Vikings

The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


Yes you can. We're all here for you.


----------



## bandit.45

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


I'm sorry bro. I feel for you. I really do. All you can do is push through it. Have you been to a doctor to see about getting on a mild SSRI? Zoloft helped me with my depression. It is not addictive and it helps level out the ups and downs.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


Its okay to let it out Viking, while you may feel alone, you have a multitude of people here that are here to help you, listen to you or just pray for you and your son.


----------



## EVG39

Sure you can. Your son is depending on you. You do this one step at a time. And Bandit's advice about seeing a Doc is spot on. 
See a Doc, hire a lawyer. You don't need to go through it alone. Those people are professionals. Let them do their work. You'll feel a heckuva lot better after that.
If you just get those two things accomplished, see a doc, hire the lawyer then you will be much further down the path to recovery than you can imagine right now.
Good Luck, friend.


----------



## wilson

Don't hold back the tears. It may seem counter-productive, but the more you cry the sooner you'll stop crying. Your body is trying to dump a lot of emotional negativity, and the more you cry, the sooner you'll get back to normal. 

When you feel like you have to cry, go to a private place and cry your eyes out. Force yourself to cry as long as possible. You'll eventually cry yourself out and feel better.


----------



## Happilymarried25

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


Then forgive her, stay in the marriage and get counseling. All the men here have been burned so they always cry to divorce when a man posts here but you don't have to get a divorce.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Happilymarried25 said:


> All the men here have been burned so they always cry to divorce when a man posts here but you don't have to get a divorce.


This is a lie to push an agenda.


----------



## ButtPunch

Happilymarried25 said:


> Then forgive her, stay in the marriage and get counseling. All the men here have been burned so they always cry to divorce when a man posts here but you don't have to get a divorce.


Ridiculous


----------



## Evinrude58

bandit.45 said:


> I'm sorry bro. I feel for you. I really do. All you can do is push through it. Have you been to a doctor to see about getting on a mild SSRI? Zoloft helped me with my depression. It is not addictive and it helps level out the ups and downs.


If you call your doc and tell him what happened, I'd almost bet you he or she will call you out a prescript. for a generic zoloft. I took it for a while and it helped tremendously. Don't be too proud. This stuff hurts like no other feeling. You WILL get over it, but not tomorrow. That's where the zoloft helps. It takes the edge off so you can get through several tomorrows.

So very sorry. We ALL did the same thing. Panic attacks that made me feel like a weenie-- everything. You will make it, but it will be such pain that you will NEVER forget it.

Praying for you, bro!

BTW, it will take several days for it to kick in. But for me, I felt better pretty darned fast. I highly recommend it.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Grief is a *****. You're mourning the loss of your wife, your marriage, the future you planned. You have to do this so you can come out the other side into acceptance.

I had to go through this over the loss of my own life due to illness. I finally accept that I won't be around long term and I accept what that means for my wife and kids, retirement, plans, etc. At least you'll come out if this with a future, which is something precious.


----------



## Tron

Happilymarried25 said:


> Then forgive her, stay in the marriage and get counseling. All the men here have been burned so they always cry to divorce when a man posts here but you don't have to get a divorce.


If the W is a serial cheater with multiple OM's and exhibits no remorse, she richly deserves a divorce.

In emotional currency, the pain is the same whether you divorce or R. 

But in staying with such a woman, seems that you would have to sacrifice your self respect. No thanks!


----------



## LosingHim

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


I have cried every single day since September 29th. That’s 135 days of tears. Sometimes I cry so much I wonder if it’s possible to become dehydrated from it. Sometimes I cry so hard I can’t breathe. And other times I cry silent tears. Sometimes I just get choked up 4-5 times a day. 

What I have learned is there are good days and there are bad. There are days the pain is overwhelming and it seems impossible to get through the day. There are other days the tears are welcome because they remind me that I am human and I have feelings. 

I don’t know when this pain stops Viking. I wish I did because it’s a mother. But what I can tell you is, you will get through each day. And you’ll even start to have days where you can laugh and smile. But, you will have days where you feel like it’s impossible to breathe, impossible to go on. 

You are mourning the loss of your marriage and your life and your pain is normal. Just hold on, and get through each day. There will be better days to come.


----------



## HobbesTheTiger

If you are feeling suicidal, please check yourself into a hospital or at least call a free national/local suicide prevention hotline and talk to them, to help you stay strong enough until you can get to see your doctor/psychiatrist. There are people in your life, your family, friends,..., that love you, want you and need you in their lives. While things may seem unbearable and hopeless, they are not. Persevere and there will be happiness for you!


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Happilymarried25 said:


> Then forgive her, stay in the marriage and get counseling. All the men here have been burned so they always cry to divorce when a man posts here but you don't have to get a divorce.


When his cheating wife comes here, shows genuine remorse, demonstrates transparency, and is begging Viking not to D her, then R can be recommended.

Not a single fellow here will say different.

More than likely, though, she's going to blame Viking for her crappy behavior.

So it's D, full-steam ahead, for now.

You're going to be all over the place for a while, Viking. Just remember, none of those feelings will be permanent. Hang tough.


----------



## bfree

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


Brother, I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will be happy again. In fact you'll be happier than you've been in a long time. Just read some of the other threads here on TAM. I'm on my phone so I can't post the links but maybe some others can. There are so many updates I've read lately where both guys and gals have emerged from the dark happier than they've ever been.


----------



## lexis

Happilymarried25 said:


> Then forgive her, stay in the marriage and get counseling. All the men here have been burned so they always cry to divorce when a man posts here but you don't have to get a divorce.


Easy for you to say you've never been in the vagina room.


----------



## jsmart

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


Sorry for your pain. I know it's dark now but you will get through this. If you're having a hard time gathering your strength, then think of your son. Let being there for him give you the will to fight.

I want to add, there is no shame in crying. You had a long history together and the thought that she through it away so painful and will take time for you to get over that. I would advise that you go to garage, back yard, or in the shower and let it out. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she so important to you. 

It is time to go 180 to help you detach. If you feeling like you want to talk to her about why, come here instead to vent. There is always a TAMer here to hear you out. More talking will just make you feel worse because she's just going to lie and view your questioning as weakness.


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## thummper

Is your wife doing anything to try and help you get through this?


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## Evinrude58

Happilymarried25 said:


> Then forgive her, stay in the marriage and get counseling. All the men here have been burned so they always cry to divorce when a man posts here but you don't have to get a divorce.


Incorrect and disingenuous observation.

Many of the men here were burned AND TRIED TO RECONCILE. However, it was impossible with a remorseless wife. Hence, trying to reconcile was just an effort in futility which resulted in many months, or even years, of unnecessary PAIN.
The only LOGICAL recommendation based on experience is to divorce. If she shows remorse, I'd be glad to advise him to reconcile. But I don't think she will ever be truly remorseful based on how she gaslighted him and continued to cheat until he CAUGHT her.

I think you are hurting this guy more with your advice. JMO


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## Be smart

Sorry to be right once again my friend.

What you need to do is protect yourself and your son. Talk with your lawyer and see your rights about custody,money,house and stuff like that.

Dont trust her a single word. She is lying to you once more. I dont know how can she sleep with all lies,humilation and cheating. 

Dont cry in front of her. Dont let her see you like that. Go to park or your basement and cry yourself there.

EXPOSE her Affairs to family and close friends. 
You are not to blame,your wife is the one who caused all of this
STDs check. She is crazy and she never thought about you my friend. Your health could be in danger.

Stay strong


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## truster

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


You're still in the thick of it buddy, but it'll get better. Right now though, it's intense, no doubt. Even though I was more dedicated to D directly after discovery of the affairs than most, that didn't stop me having days where I just laid face down on the floor for hours.

Don't worry about strategy, or fixing things, or not, or what you're going to do for a little while. Get some meds, get some sleep. Get some meds so that you CAN get some sleep.

It'll get better. It'll get better not too far from now. It may even get better than it's been for you for years and years.


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## the guy

Having been there...I can tell you this...don't let your old lady win.

What I mean is this is all her bull shyt. Let her own it.

Never let you old lady's crap define you. So dust your sorry @ss off and keep on keeping on.

Sir....it's not what knocks you down that matters, it's how you get back up the counts!

Show your old lady your better then her and never let her see you cry....go in the garage and cry your eyes out like the rest of us.


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## truster

Have you kicked her out of the bedroom yet, so you have a space to have some privacy to deal with this?

Also, y'know, to let it air out..


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## jorgegene

i have been there too, and i can tell you that the pain of staying with a cheater is greater than the pain of leaving.

leaving the cheating situation causes enormous pain for probably a period of 6-months to a year during which it usually 
diminishes slowly during that time. after about a year to a year and a half, you should be sufficiently healed to live somewhat pain free.
The memories will always be there, but most of the pain will be gone.

Staying with a cheater will bring you misery almost every day you are with her/him.

what would you rather have? a lifetime of misery or a limited time of it?


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## LosingHim

the guy said:


> Show your old lady your better then her and never let her see you cry....go in the garage and cry your eyes out like the rest of us.


I disagree. I'm not saying he should let her see him cry CONSTANTLY, but she NEEDS to see the pain that she caused. 

I never saw my husband all out cry, but I would sometimes see him wiping his eyes, hear his breath catch in the middle of the night.....and it tore me up. Things like that are what really SHOWED me the pain I caused. If he would've been a flippant *******, given my own delusional mind state at the time, I probably would've run off with my middle finger held high. 

Seeing his pain helped me find remorse, and in finding remorse, I'm becoming a better person all around. 

She needs to see and feel the destruction she caused.


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## Vikings

On the drive back from picking up our son he said in his precious sweet little boy voice, "let's call mommy", and I lost it, I need to control myself around him. Got to keep it together and make dinner and oversee homework and then basketball practice.


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## Lostinthought61

is your wife still living at the house?


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## GusPolinski

LosingHim said:


> I disagree. I'm not saying he should let her see him cry CONSTANTLY, but she NEEDS to see the pain that she caused.
> 
> I never saw my husband all out cry, but I would sometimes see him wiping his eyes, hear his breath catch in the middle of the night.....and it tore me up. Things like that are what really SHOWED me the pain I caused. If he would've been a flippant *******, given my own delusional mind state at the time, I probably would've run off with my middle finger held high.
> 
> Seeing his pain helped me find remorse, and in finding remorse, I'm becoming a better person all around.
> 
> She needs to see and feel the destruction she caused.


I say this w/ no judgement or condemnation whatsoever...

Why is it necessary for a wayward to see his or her betrayed completely broken in order to feel remorse for having betrayed him/her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Evinrude58 said:


> If you call your doc and tell him what happened, I'd almost bet you he or she will call you out a prescript. for a generic zoloft. I took it for a while and it helped tremendously. Don't be too proud. This stuff hurts like no other feeling. You WILL get over it, but not tomorrow. That's where the zoloft helps. It takes the edge off so you can get through several tomorrows.
> 
> So very sorry. We ALL did the same thing. Panic attacks that made me feel like a weenie-- everything. You will make it, but it will be such pain that you will NEVER forget it.
> 
> Praying for you, bro!
> 
> BTW, it will take several days for it to kick in. But for me, I felt better pretty darned fast. I highly recommend it.



Took about two weeks for me and doc had to up my dosage because I'm a larger guy.


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## Ripper

Vikings said:


> I don't think I can survive this.


Have had several friends decide to "opt out" in similar situations. Don't have a clue what a couple of them thought at the end, but the last one didn't die immediately. He was beyond help but lasted about twenty minutes. He regretted what he did and his final thoughts were on everything but his unfaithful wife.

Not worth it.


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## Thound

Vikings said:


> The pain is getting worst, sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


You can survive this, and you're going to come out a stronger man, and a better man. You're going to show your son what a real man is. You've got this!


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## Thound

Ripper said:


> Have had several friends decide to "opt out" in similar situations. Don't have a clue what a couple of them thought at the end, but the last one didn't die immediately. He was beyond help but lasted about twenty minutes. He regretted what he did and his final thoughts were on everything but his unfaithful wife.
> 
> Not worth it.


My grandpa killed himself when my mom was 4 years old. My mom has always resented him. Left my grandma with 16 kids. Now of course a lot of the kids were grown, but grandpa let my uncle who was 11 years old find him hanging out in the smokehouse.


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## workindad

OP- sorry for the spot you are in.

You can and will get through this and you will find happiness again in life.

I've never been with a woman who can stink up a room the way you describe. If her... scent.. is lingering- try some Febreeze air freshner. I don't know if it works for the odor you describe, but it does work on other smells.

I copied this from the mayo clinic website. The smell may not be from cheating. Although your wife is clearly cheating from your description.

Common causes of abnormal vaginal odor include:

Bacterial vaginosis
Poor hygiene
Retained or forgotten tampon
Trichomoniasis
Less commonly, abnormal vaginal odor may result from:

Rectovaginal fistula (an abnormal opening between the rectum and vagina that allows feces to leak into the vagina)
Cervical cancer
Vaginal cancer


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## G.J.

:crying:

OK
Then ill just read the threads in the over 65s then


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## Evinrude58

Now is the time to really dig down deep and ask yourself: who is Viking? Am I a guy who will let a weak, troubled, bad person--- who I was loving enough to only see the good in for a long time--- break me as a man?

Hell no! Whenever I had these thoughts, I'd ask myself what my mother and father would think of my actions. I my mother worked 40 hrs a week, cooked every day, made every dress she owned herself, took care of her whole family of 3 brothers and mom and dad before us...... She died of cancer when I was three. I didn't want to bring her shame. I also didn't want to let that evil ex of mine break me. It took a few months, but I willed myself over the pain. I had a loaded gun on my bed beside me twice, I'm ashamed to say. But I never let her get me all the way there.
My ex told me she was pissed because I'd gotten a gorgeous gf so soon that was 12 years you her than I. Said she thought I deserved to suffer longer! After what SHE had done. Major gas lighting and blame shifting. I didn't keep the first one, but it helped me gain confidence in myself. I now am with a beautiful lady who is so out of my ex's league, they're incomparable. I'm happy. I see now that my ex was a real loser. She was a chronic discontent.

Viking, you CAN and you WILL get through this. Get help from your doctor. Try to force yourself to move forward. It wouldn't hurt to take a leave from work if you have a stressful job and can. I know how bad this is. But she isn't the only damn woman on the planet---- most likely GOd has something BETTER in mind for you if you give him a chance. 

I thought my life was over. Now I feel my life is just getting started. I am a much stronger person now. People even comment on it.

You will see
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim

GusPolinski said:


> I say this w/ no judgement or condemnation whatsoever...
> 
> Why is it necessary for a wayward to see his or her betrayed completely broken in order to feel remorse for having betrayed him/her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It SHOULDNT be. It should be natural. All betrayeds know this and all waywards SHOULD know this without having to be told, right?

But, from experience, waywards are delusional and only care about themselves. 

Had my husband cried, I may have woken up sooner, I don't know. But the fact is, I didn't know his pain until I FELT his pain. My delusional wayward brain blame shifted and made excuses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

Viking, sorry for your pain but there is a young boy who is depending on you to be his anchor and be a man. i know the pain is stifling and heartbreaking but it is through pain you will grow into someone even stronger. You can and will get through this period of your life and look back and know that you were broken but you got up again. 
Fill your life with your work, your son, your own friends and family. Your wife has her own problems, do not take her back until she herself is remorseful and willing to do all it takes to make things right. If she is not going to to that then you should move on because although things seem dark now, they will get brighter.


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## ThePheonix

Vikings said:


> sometimes I can barely breathe. I don't think I can survive this. Can't stop crying today.


Until you can sort it out, try this:


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## ConanHub

Please take your time and focus your love on your son and yourself.

Yes you must survive for your son and yourself.

I know the pain is too much.

Get to a doctor and don't try to hold all of this inside yourself.

Let your family know.

A close friend. Someone you can talk to.

Please, for your son and who you will be after this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

LosingHim said:


> It SHOULDNT be. It should be natural. All betrayeds know this and all waywards SHOULD know this without having to be told, right?
> 
> But, from experience, waywards are delusional and only care about themselves.
> 
> Had my husband cried, I may have woken up sooner, I don't know. But the fact is, I didn't know his pain until I FELT his pain. My delusional wayward brain blame shifted and made excuses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An immediate 180 and divorce papers wake people up pretty fast as well.

I know about how seeing pain can impact emotions though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

GusPolinski said:


> I say this w/ no judgement or condemnation whatsoever...
> 
> Why is it necessary for a wayward to see his or her betrayed completely broken in order to feel remorse for having betrayed him/her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not necessary...what is...and LH has made a point...that some emotion needs to be shown as to the pain inflicked.

What worked for me was calm confident and controlled emotion. A statement that this will not be tolerated and I will over come this shyt with or with out my old lady.

at the end of the day it takes fire to make steel stronger and I will make it through this shyt storm you have brought on me.


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## the guy

and it will be up to your old lady to keep up or get the phuck out!

sincerely
the guy
with the cheating wife


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## JohnA

Hi

One step at time. Make a plan, discuss it here, close buddies who have your back period. 

Intense exercise, it littery save my life. Your body is pumping out stress hormones non-stop. You either burn them off or they will burn you up. 

What are the divorce laws in your state ? While many are strictly no fault for the reason, some do consider adultery for custody and asset division. 

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE !!!! Do not assume you must give up custody because of your job or your the guy. Work on a plan. 

Your gadgets are still needed. Be sure to place near where she uses her phone in the house. If you can catch her talking about her plans it will give you a heads up and keep you strong. You have no idea what the fog does to people. Right now this is all your fault, she will claim she told you for a decade shebwas not happy and you didn't listen. Etc etc 

Read this Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums and follow it to the letter.


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