# WHat do you make of this?



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

My GF and I are temprarily unable to see each other in the same manner we used to. We live in the same town, so its not like a cross country thing..its nothing so dramatic.

We have been sleeping at eachothers house for 6 months or so now. IT works like this for us...when she has her kids, I stay at her place. When I have my kids, she stays ahere with me. THis works fine until we both have our kids at the same time. WHich occurs every other weekend. SO we're apart.

When were together we have the most wonderful pillow talk, and bedtime is a wonderful profession of our love...something that I truly haven't experienced until I met her...we express ourself openly and honestly with each other. IT's wonderful

Now that it's summer, we have our kids week at a time, so our separation is for a week at a time naturally. we generally dont see each other...schedules and such. sometimes we do, but it's not regular, the usual. We're apart at night.

We used to talk for an hour at bedtime...txt, not talk. In lieu of the actual experience of being together I was looking for this, and more or less mentioned this to her in a txt message last night.

Picking up in the middle, She said.. "I Love you [name]"

ME: "Nice to hear you say so...we go form one extreme to another...from beautiful pillow talk to a near vacuum...I miss our teext chats at bedtime"

GF: "In direct relation to scale of business/priority. But love transcends awkwardness of any silence/non response,,,or one could never be in or maintain a love  "


That was hardly what I was looking for. She told me she's not sappy...though she tells me throughout the day that she loves me etc. Up until yesterday I was quite happy with her. After expressing I needed to chat ( and that I was looking for that early since I was tired ang going to be (about 10:15 or so)..she put me off until 11:15... things around the house I guess to do... oh she was txting me occasionally, but she wasn't "there" if that makes sense. When she did finally settle down She didnt talk TO me, about us.. she talked AT me about various mindless life details.. 

AM I too sensitive, should I just be happy with the true love we have, and excitedly wait until we are together (at the end of this week)...or am I missing something? Up until this happened, we;ve never argued...still havent.

I guess I miss her.

She's the best thing to happen to me....(and I was here before when my ex left...) I just dont want to mess it up.

I have two courses of action to think about doing today. She cut me off at 11:30 last night a bit abruptly. I accept her reason...her kid wanted to cuddle. BUt I was left unresolved.

I can either play hard to get and ignore her today... or continue as I normally do..telling her how much I love her throughout the day as I usually do.

C_C


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> GF: "In direct relation to scale of business/priority. But love transcends awkwardness of any silence/non response,,,or one could never be in or maintain a love  "


hot sexting! 

either she is a cold fish, or having the kids is taking a toll on her thought process.

I would be careful to not get too involved until you figure out her true feelings. It sounds all too clinical to me


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Oh she is far from a "cold fish"..she's very emotional..and expresses herself openly to me in person.

She's admitted to me that she has a hard time doing "sappy" txts, while unfortunately I'm good at. 

Yes, her answer sounded a bit clinical. I guess thats why I posted the txts... tog et an opinion.

I miss her dearly this week. But was hurt by her answer, and sudden departure last night. I wasnted to be angry, but not really sure that is constructive. 

C_C


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't be too needy with your girl.
And as an aside you should not be sleeping together in front of the children anyway.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're coming across as too needy. Sorry man. You have to kind of throw away some of that emotion. I know you've been hurt so the natural reaction is to cling to something/someone good. But women generally DON'T like it from their man.

If she has children with her and she's finding the time to do all her household duties and still have time to contact you at night before bed you guys are doing just fine.

And please please please stop talking about how much you love her. Let her know, sure. But don't beat her over the head with it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It sounds like she was telling you that even when you can't be together, or communicate alot, that she loves you and it'll be ok. 

Sounds like reassurance to me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Agree, you're coming across as very needy. Not a good thing, personally I start to pull away when a guy gets clingy, needy, whiney.

Nothing wrong with expressing emotion, but not in a beta-male way. 

Accept the fact that she was busy, distracted, tending to her kids. Sounds like more of a one-time thing than the norm, so don't blow it up into a big issue. Unless it continues.

How old are all the kids? My bigger concern for you is that you're sleeping together in front of the kids. This can be very confusing for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stop texting


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> *We used to talk for an hour at bedtime*...txt, not talk. *In lieu of the actual experience of being together I was looking for this*, and more or less mentioned this to her in a txt message last night.


Ok Chuck... I just want to add one more thing. To expect a solid hour of texting while she is busy getting her kids ready for bed, winding down her day, housework, etc. is a bit much.

I agree with sinnister... the fact that you touched base at the end of the evening, expressed your love for eachother, then she had to cut it short is not a calamity and does not signal that "things are changing."

She's just busy!


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

I was going to methodically answer each comment, but I don't think that as required after thinking about it more. I welcome and accept the many comments regarding this, although with my incredibly rush OP (and much abbreviated situation explanation) some comments ended up being slightly off the mark. THat was to be expoected since I didn't elaborate very much.

I used some of the advice re txing, and took an "Answer Only" approach last night. The results were immediate - and again I'm being brief.

At nearly 12:30 Am GF txts good night. This was after several unanswered (by me) txt (from her) between 9PM and 11PM. Unanswered because as far as information there wasn't much to really say back. Comments like "Cleaning the kitchen" and "girks sleepover rocks" weren't really warranting a response in the new "Non-txting" mode).

So, to her "good night [name], sleep well" I simply responded "good night [name]"

I figured that was it and was about to roll over...GF sends "Thanks".... . Not elaborating on every single txt, we ended up txting for roughly an hour. But in the opening txts I was called to task about not responding from 9:22 to 12:28. 

I asked her since when did she have to "thank" me (which she just had done) for saying good night. Her answer(s) were 
"Since I thought I was interrupting you"
"Thought you were busy...too busy".

I noticed that SHE noticed when I didnt txt her. She pointed it out very specifically.

BUT, I find that interesting because just the previous day the reverse situation - she not answering messages, including simply an "I miss you" went unanswered and the response was my original post.

Two different standards....

Lastly, since I'm on my way to work...

When I mentioned the 1 hour of txting, I wasn't expecting exactly an hour - it was more of a generality (but our usual), and it certainly wouldn't have been expected during the time she was getting kids to bed anyways. The bed time txting for us was almost always after 11 PM, when little ones should be fast asleep anyways. My two would have been in bed 2 hours earlier anyways, and so would hers have been.

I didn 't explain this fully in the OP, but since it was brought up, I thought I'd touch on it.

So, at the end of the day, it would appear GF needs the txting interaction. It's our established routine. I was pretty sure how the "Answer Only" thing would work out, and I'm embarrassed to have been party to such a high-school experiment.

The answer-only mode scenario though will continue today, but as with last night stuff like "we just got home from getting ice cream" probably wont be immediately answered (if at all), since there no real beneficial, personal dialog there. And those posts are fodder for another thread.... 

C_C


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't understand why you can't see each other more often. Was there an explanation that I didn't see? Do you not want your kids to know each other?

Before one of you blows this relationship get the mmslp book linked to below. Your texting episode is clearly explained in there. Its not a sex manual but a relationship guide that really works. Also can be downloaded at amazon.

There is also a blog that many follow.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> The answer-only mode scenario though will continue today, but as with last night stuff like "we just got home from getting ice cream" probably wont be immediately answered (if at all), since there no real beneficial, personal dialog there. And those posts are fodder for another thread....
> 
> C_C


Come on now, this is game playing. You have a chance at communication with your lovely gf but because it's about ice cream, you won't answer? You gotta do better than that.

I think this is a perfect opportunity to get to know her on a different level and you think that's not beneficial? What kind did she get, is that her favorite flavor, does she choose differently every time, did she get nuts or skip them? You may think these are stupid questions but it does lead into a personal dialog. 

In the world you're living, dating after divorce and still maintaining being a parent, you have to sneak in those precious moments before they disappear. And if you shut down communication just because you feel the content is not worthy of your time, you'll find out the hard way, there's not much use communicating with you at all.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

"we got home from getting ice cream"

How about a response like "Yum! Wish I was there!" Or "what flavors did u all get? My kids LOVE chocolate!" 

Its ok to not respond to some texts like this, but not responding to any would be a little annoying if I was her. So I agree with the above poster!


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Well I agree with you about the ice cream message. USUALLY I would have responded. But what is missing is taht the night before she didnt respond to MY messages, and in the OP she gave the reason why that was OK. Now with the shoe on the other foot, its clearly NOT ok.

Today has been difficult for no really good reason (and a reason that would take too ling to explain with the little time I have right now). SHe is a wonderful woman, and we love each other dearly. 

THe person who replied why we cant see each other when we have the kids hit one something else that has been bothering me too... This is something SHE set up, the isolation when we both have our kids. In the beginning we were looking for ways to get them together...the kids really enjoy each other. And we still do, but she imposes this idolation, and I really dont know why except that she said in the past she valued her time, thats Im in her life so much is a radical change for her, but she likes it just the same.

Its like she compartmentalizes this portion of life. My sister says she just wants time with her kids...I tend to agree to that, but I dont agree with the isolation that occurs.

Unfortunately this week about thing is brand new to us just this week. I guess I'm finding it hard to adjust - since essentially with out saying it we were living together for 11 out of 14 days. We did get together Saturday night all 6 of us, and it was fun. There are details taht because I'm trying to be brief aren't getting published. BUt in general she sort of takes the line that we she has her kids and I have mine, we're separate....although not all the time.

The issue of sleeping together and confusing the kids. THats a little more involved and I dont know how much of her life I feel is appropriate mentioning here.. Maybe that Dad was out of the picture when the oldest was 3 and no one else has been in their picture. I'm the first "man" they've known mom to be with. THey like me. And my kids like her. 

Gotta get back to work...

PS.. the I wish I was there re: Ice cream... I said that o her about a situation once before.... she didnt respond. And I guess her post I quested in the OP is the reason why. Still doesnt make sense.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Time to put the hammer down.

Ask her why she chooses to do this. Follow up with, if you want to be with me, you will have to be around/accept my children.

What she is doing is not fair.

Focus on spending more time together and stop texting, use phone/verbal communication if you need to.

If you guys have a future together, you should be acting as a family now. If she is not willing to, then tell her there is no future.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

DoF said:


> Time to put the hammer down.
> 
> Ask her why she chooses to do this. Follow up with, if you want to be with me, you will have to be around/accept my children.
> 
> ...


I agree with this but I would give it a little time to develope and see if some of her actions are the beginning of cracks in the relationship.

I do think you should back off a bit......and see if this bothers her. You can always say you thought she felt like things were getting to serious.

Most men have been programed in the last few years to act one way when what women really want is far from that. Get the mmslp book, at least read the reviews, much of what you are going through is all about common sense that has been transformed by political correctness.

I'm wondering if she is seeing you as too domesticated and clingy. What are your outside interests besides her and your kids? What happened to her children's father?


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

OK I just ordered the book...since I'm right in the middle of this issue...is there a section I should refer to first...

C_C


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Just start at the beginning and keep an open mind. Like I said,.its not poitically correct, its biology. Very enlightening and the most recommended book on this website for men.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I was under the impression, for some reason, that this odd schedule had been going on for quite awhile. Since its recent, I would be on the lookout for other changes that may not add up.

A thought I had today was that maybe all the kids together could be a handfull. 

Do you know why she is divorced from her first husband? Could she have trust issues?


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Like I said in being brief, some of the details got glossed over.

The "odd schedule" has been in place for months, the overlap of our kids only occurred for 4 days... Fri through Monday. THe week away thing is new as of last Thursday, and its been an adjustment.

Our kids..all four of them - are well behaved. We really enjoy being together and playing together. So much so that she and I can consider their involved playing free time. 

She is divorced, over 5 years. 

Back to the original post in the OP the part where she said "transcends silence..." etc...

Today, after supper she sent a message...that her phone was dying so...."I love you, and really need a hug soon".

Now you're all going...OMG...and rolling your eyes...whatever.

But my thing is... on Sunday when I said "can we chat" why couldnt she have just offered this up then. All I was looking for was a little of this, un-prompted. I'm not needy, just missing what I've become accustomed to. Feeling my partner love me. I am strong enough of charachter to be able to talk openly about how I feel, and often share with my kids..we discuss how we feel.

It seems that the silent treatment yesterday evening got to her. Again I loathe having done this, it's petty child's games. But at the same time, it proved that the "trancending" apparently doesnt work when its her whose not being replied to.

There is so much about this I havent been able to articulate through this...As it stands, I know that I am loved, but most of all respected. We built our relationship on a foundation of mutual respect, and it grew from there. She had her reasons for having strict rule about kids and whatnot. We've met each of these challenges face on..talking about then impact that our actions would ahve. I met her kids over dinner out at a restuarant and eventually dinners at home. We did the same thing with my kids. Letting them form their own opinions. The fact that all 6 of us get along well is more than I could ask for. I feel sad for her girls father, but he made his bed and it is what it is. About that, I am not taking the place of a father in this, although I understand my place as a male role model. We discussed becoming part of the kids lives, and dont take that lightly. The fact that we've gotten to this point is testament to where we want to go, we're not going to torture the kids with a revolving door of partners. We're it, and they see that. Hers, and mine.

The big difficulty has been this separation time. Like I said for the better part of a two week cycle (11 days) we essentially lived together. I slept there, made my lunch and left from work there. Showered, ate, relaxed there. Played with kids. When it wasnt at her place it was at mine... Been over to her parents many times for supper. I actually get along well with them. Her Mom hugs me when I come in. Dad engages me in current events and I get a history lesson every time. 

The separation time seems un-natural when compared to that. For the 3 or 4 days that we were apart, it was understandable that she's want to have quality time with her kids, and our texting kept up in touch over those weekends. The fact that5a the weekend has expanded into a week is a new frontier, we've not even gone through it once. From what I can see about how that is working, we have some tweaking to do.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Do you know why she is divorced from her first husband? Could she have trust issues?


Her first hubby was in bed with another woman the day the 2nd child was born. I dont think that child ever "knew" dad. What do you remember at 16 months?

C_C


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What you are describing...

Is a discussion about the next level.

Marriage. Or moving in together.

I vote for the marriage part. But that's just me...


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> I'm wondering if she is seeing you as too domesticated and clingy. What are your outside interests besides her and your kids? What happened to her children's father?


I don't think so, but really how would I know. She says "I'm her perfect partner, the love of her life, The One". Her words.

He screwed around on her the day the 2nd kid was born. He's still in town, in thier lives, but they don't like going to see him.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Revamped said:


> What you are describing...
> 
> Is a discussion about the next level.


I would agree with this. And given the type of rules she had to get to here, I imagine that "thinking forward, moving forward" as she puts it is a huge step. Not just for her but for all of us. 

C_C


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Lila said:


> Chuck:
> I read in your OP that you had been sleeping over at her house for approximately 6 months. How long have you been dating your gf?


Almost 8 months. 6 was the "long side" of 5... Sleeping over there "regularly" started sometime in Feb, but had happened occasionally in Jan too, just not when kids were around...at least thats what I remember.

So the suggestion of marriage is far too premature. Is that where I think things are headed, where I want them? Hmm I dont know. I guess for the simple satisfaction and security of not having to look for another partner I would. Am I that committed to her? You bet. IT's not a cold feet thing at the suggestion of commitment - I'm all for that. 

At this stage though maybe she's thinking just like I am...she likes me there all the time, she likes falling asleep with me, the security of waking up and I'm there. Said as much. She's "comfortrable with me" in a way unlike anything else before. Said that too. Maybe she's wrestling with Next Level.... I'm a problem solver kids of guy. The logistics of how to move ahead seem pretty clear to me. Selling my house, or renting it out are my two options. All the rest is really pretty simple: pack stuff, move it over. But it's the emotional hurdles that are bigger obstacles. DO I think she would welcome me, and ultimately us, there...Oh yeah. Is she ready...not sure about that, but I know it has crossed her mind.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

DoF said:


> , if you want to be with me, you will have to be around/accept my children.


To be clear DoF, she's not avoiding my children. But I understand what you're saying and meaning. She, my kids, and I often go out, just the 4 of us. We just went to a family (mine) wedding..the 4 of us. This was on a weekend that she didn't have her kids, and I had to get a special variance to my custody from my Ex to have them. We have a weekend when neither of us have any kids. Real quality time for us. We set it up that way. THe downside was of course that on the opposite weekend we both had all our kids....and there, we're back to the beginning. I go out equally with just her and her kids...the 4 of us again...just a different 4...LOL. The waitress at the restaurant had a pretty funny look on her face 3 weeks in a row when we came in with different kids for 2 weeks and then the whole crowd the 3rd....LOL

And yeah, the isolation thing...maybe I made it sound more harsh than it is...I mean there have been may of these weekends where say on a Saturday night we all go to a movie, or have dinner together at her place and games night with the kids. THAT happens, but from my point of view it sometimes seems like a bit of work to make it happen...considering we used to try to plan how to get them together to meet for the first time. Yes, we calculated all the possibilities. we wanted (and still want) this to work, and we also want the kids to be free to choose - how they responded etc etc. Nobody was twisting anyone's arm. My kids are so happy for me...my daughter (9) noticed and commented how much happier Dad is since GF has been around. (Not that I was miserable...LOL)

I guess I AM thinking in a more unified fashion about things we do, could do. With and without kids. I guess I AM thinking from a family point of view. Maybe she hasn't reach there yet. Maybe she IS thinking about it.

When I ask myself where I see myself in 20 years, she's there. When I back up to 10, 5 years...well of course she's there...when I start working backwards from 5...well that's when it gets interesting. At some point there is a transition from 2 domiciles to 1, but I don't know where in the next 20 that happens, or how long to expect to carry on as we are right now. 

Time to head off to work....

C_C


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't understand the can't text because the batteries low, my phove works fine when charging.

What broght on this new schedule where you don't see each other as much. Did she say she wasn't giving her kids as much attention because she was with you too much?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

You guys sound a LOT like me and my current BF when we started dating.

She is busy and SCARED. Having an ex treat you so poorly does something to your trust. It's not even close to fair to a new party, but sometimes it is what it is. 

Stay patient with her. My fears almost pushed my BF away. But he hung on. Kept trying. We too only saw each other on weekends mainly since we lived an hour away. And I told him the kids came first, always. I wasn't exactly "testing" (playing games) with him........but I did need to see if he was GENUINE about me. Having been married to someone who really didn't like me much, I wasn't about to find myself in another committed relationship with someone who didn't truly love me.

My BF and I are 18ish months in and have moved in together. Just give her some space, time, and don't give up on her. If you two are truly mad about each other.....it will happen.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Chuck Canuck, I have no idea what its like being involved in a blended family situation. But I do know what its like not to feel affection from your spouse. My advice from my experience is to NOT continue on your current path. It's too lovey-dovey. I know different things work for different people but in general I'd say she is probably going to grow weary of feeling like she needs to re-assure you of her feelings.

Its hard expressing yourself on message boards so I'm sure you're not on constant "love me mode" when you're around her. So I'll just say try your best to hide your need for reassurance. It will be WAY better for the relationship in the long run.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Chuck Canuck, I have no idea what its like being involved in a blended family situation. But I do know what its like not to feel affection from your spouse. My advice from my experience is to NOT continue on your current path. It's too lovey-dovey. I know different things work for different people but in general I'd say she is probably going to grow weary of feeling like she needs to re-assure you of her feelings.
> 
> Its hard expressing yourself on message boards so I'm sure you're not on constant "love me mode" when you're around her. So I'll just say try your best to hide your need for reassurance. It will be WAY better for the relationship in the long run.


:iagree: Also, after 6 or 7 months in a serious relationship, it will start to shift. You should have a schedule of when your seeing each other and the constant text messages should die down a bit since you are past that initial so in love honeymoon stage. You should be settling in a routine is what Im saying. You need to talk to her about this new schedule if you don't agree to it


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Don't understand the can't text because the batteries low, my phove works fine when charging.
> 
> What broght on this new schedule where you don't see each other as much. Did she say she wasn't giving her kids as much attention because she was with you too much?


Cant charge phone in the middle of a sports field...

What brought on schedule change? Summer vacation.

C_C


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

sinnister said:


> Its hard expressing yourself on message boards so I'm sure you're not on constant "love me mode" when you're around her. So I'll just say try your best to hide your need for reassurance. It will be WAY better for the relationship in the long run.


You're right, I'm not like that all the time...I'm a reasonable normal guy...the posts are only snippets of things to try to frame the context of a situation.

SHE reaches out to hold my hand...SHE leans on me...

I'm not Mr. Needy, but contrary to the OP comment I quoted she made, Love DOES need to be cultvated. I see and feel what she needs, and I respond and provide. Not too much to ask to be observant back.


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