# Empathy vs sympathy



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Brene Brown - nails it. Short video. This is a word oft used, rarely explained. And it is a priceless - quality in a partner. 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> Brene Brown - nails it. Short video. This is a word oft used, rarely explained. And it is a priceless - quality in a partner.
> 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw


Love her!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

This is why I sympathize with betrayed spouses who are in self-inflicted pain and do not empathize with them.

Because I will not climb down that ladder and put myself in their position -- even just emotionally -- to try to make it better.

I can have compassion but not empathy. I can have sympathy but not empathy.

And they do not have my empathy. Maybe that makes me an *******, but so be it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I've never thought of sympathy in that light - kinda harsh, isn't it? If a person has had no experience in what another is going through, sympathy is about all they can offer. As long as you don't say "at least" - that's a no brainer. Faked empathy would be worse.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> I've never thought of sympathy in that light - kinda harsh, isn't it? If a person has had no experience in what another is going through, sympathy is about all they can offer. As long as you don't say "at least" - that's a no brainer. Faked empathy would be worse.


She actually misrepresents what sympathy is, even though she nails empathy.

Sympathy: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

Pity: sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy.

In other words, you can feel sad for someone, and you can feel compassion for someone, without necessarily putting yourself emotionally in the same spot as that person.

To MEM's original point though, you should have empathy for your spouse -- putting yourself in their shoes and seeing the world through their eyes, as it were.

Sorry for the sidetrack, MEM.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes, she did a good job on empathy.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

There is one thing she didn't get totally right on empathy. She said it's voluntary, which isn't entirely true. I'm an empath, and this happens to me involuntarily... sometimes I get sucked into someone's emotional black hole no matter how hard I try to fight it.
@marduk, it makes me envy you a little bit.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> There is one thing she didn't get totally right on empathy. She said it's voluntary, which isn't entirely true. I'm an empath, and this happens to me involuntarily... sometimes I get sucked into someone's emotional black hole no matter how hard I try to fight it.
> @marduk, it makes me envy you a little bit.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


I am, too. 

It's why I'm so rational - because I learned to use it. 

I feel others pain quite easily. Too easily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I've always thought of sympathy as feeling for someone else's pain when you've experienced the same thing, and empathy as being able to do that when you haven't.

For example, my stepsister was pretty insensitive to my pain when I lost my mother, and years later, my father. She had never lost a parent. When her mother, my stepmother died, she actually said to me that she was sorry she hadn't been more caring to me when my Dad died, and I had at that point lost both my parents. She admitted it was because she didn't understand how I felt. But now that she had lost her Mom, she did.

So, she is incapable of empathy, but not of sympathy.

I think both are about connection. You can either connect with someone who is suffering from something whether you've experienced it or not (empathy), or you can do that only when you've experienced it (sympathy). 

I'll never forget the two empaths who gave me the response I needed when my Dad died. Neither of them has to this day lost a parent. They were both coworkers. They just came to me, reached out, hugged me, and rocked me in their arms. And they both cried while doing so, which made me cry of course. I had only just met one of them a month before. But it was genuine. They not only acknowledged what I was feeling - they felt it, too. Something about that takes just a little bit of the pain you feel away - as if the other person is absorbing some of it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think there are some people who empathize even without sharing the same loss or situation as the person they sympathize with. They are rare though and I'm probably not one of them. A buddy I work with who's a lot younger than me just lost his dad a couple of months ago. He's about the age of my youngest son actually and his dad was just a little older than me. No I cannot really understand how that feels because I haven't gone through it. But I can try.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I love Brene Brown ! The 3 minute video was great.. though I would call what was displayed "*SMUG sympathy*".. not what "genuine sympathy" looks/ feels like.. 

I also do not feel one has to experience the same thing to "feel" for another.. I've read a lot of Brene's material & she has spoken how we can relate our own sorrows , though different..and come down & meet the other.... I have taken Empath tests and score on a higher scale.. 

I was reading this article.. How to Test Your Empathy- Empathy comes more naturally to some than to others. & so agreed with this posters view below the article ...



> I don't think that empathy requires experiencing exactly the same thing as another person, but it does require an understanding of similar emotions. Just because someone didn't grow up in the streets of India, for example, doesn't mean it's impossible to recognize how hard that life must have been. Understanding is not a prerequisite to being concerned and caring.
> 
> I think recognition and awareness of any suffering is the first step, and only afterwards can you hope to act on it. And this also doesn't require 'saving the world'. I think that people who try to save the world but can't treat those nearest to them well are just hypocrites.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,
Totally agree with your point that it isn't necessary for someone to have gone through the same/similar experience to empathize with you. 

I kind of struggle with folks who don't seem to grasp that a deep sense of loss can be caused by the death or disconnection from anyone we love.

Maybe I should have been more specific in my comments about the video. I would grade it as an A for its depiction of empathy and a C for the highly and oddly negative way it depicts sympathy. 

Sympathy - done right - doesn't leave the other person feeling worse. 





SimplyAmorous said:


> I love Brene Brown ! The 3 minute video was great.. though I would call what was displayed "*SMUG sympathy*".. not what "genuine sympathy" looks/ feels like..
> 
> I also do not feel one has to experience the same thing to "feel" for another.. I've read a lot of Brene's material & she has spoken how we can relate our own sorrows , though different..and come down & meet the other.... I have taken Empath tests and score on a higher scale..
> 
> I was reading this article.. How to Test Your Empathy- Empathy comes more naturally to some than to others. & so agreed with this posters view below the article ...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> I am, too.
> 
> It's why I'm so rational - because I learned to use it.
> 
> ...


I may need some tips from you. This is something new that I'm learning about myself, and learning how to manage.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oh... what an interesting topic. i could probably write for days on this one. 

empathy is easy to practice but hard to perfect. ill explain why... 

try and empathize with with someone experiencing one of the most physically painful conditions that a human being can experience; cluster headache. in order to have any sort of empathy with them, you would have to have an intimate knowledge of what they are experiencing. they would describe it as the most painful thing they have ever experienced. if you think back to your own headaches, you may think that you are truly empathizing with them, but in reality, you are only relating to the mental image of what you think they are going through. as was stated in the article that SA quoted, empathy requires you to dig farther in order to get a real understanding. 

so, imagine the _worst_ headache you have ever experienced. during that time, what did you do? i mean physically, what were you doing as a result of the pain? did you lay down, turn all the lights off? you HAVE to look at how the person is reacting in order to get a good understanding of what they are going through. you have to look for an explanation for their behavior, one that you can relate to and understand. 

the reason i say this is because if, during your worst moment of pain, you were doing anything but screaming in agony and trying to either physically remove part of your head, or knock yourself out, then you really cannot empathize with someone who suffers cluster headaches. if someone has ever experienced a tooth ache that was so bad that they cant help but pace around the room and shake because of the incessant intense pain, then they can empathize with someone suffering a mild cluster headache. for those who suffer them, pacing is called "the dance", and starts at a 4-6 on the Kip scale, which is a pain scale they came up with because those little smiley/frowney faces simply don't convey it. the only graphical representation that any of us have ever seen that comes close to looking like a kip 10 is hollywood's depictions of having a limb sawed off without anesthetic, and without losing consciousness. even those typically stop at an 8 or 9, the point where most agency is gone, but a small amount remains, right before that moment where nothing else exists but agony, and then they pass out. cluster headaches are strange in a sense that... you cant pass out. 

if they can imagine a pain that would cause them to act in such a way, and can allow themselves to feel the fear of the next impending attack, the shame and anger of meeting people in their every day lives who think they are faking it, the exhaustion that comes from being unable to sleep for longer than 45 minutes at a time, the fear that comes from knowing that sleep WILL trigger another dance with the beast, and the sense of hopelessness that comes from knowing that it will likely never get better until they grow old, then they can empathize. 

very few people are naturally inclined to let their minds run wild and really explore another persons world like that. 

those who are naturally inclined to do so have to find a way to shut it off. living like that all the time is crippling, unless you surround yourself with those who experience more joy than pain. 

typically, people fall into two types of empaths: those who have been there, and those who are willing to go there. i find the latter to be less common than the former. there is also a third type.

the third type is far more rare. they are the ones who see an emotion and automatically start trying to create an existence in their own minds to explain the emotion/behavior they see in others. they don't do it intentionally, it just happens. i have only ever met two of them in my life. when i am dancing with the beast, i don't want them anywhere near me...


i have often wondered what the purpose for empathy is. i am extremely empathic myself, and have struggled with getting overwhelmed with the emotions of others quite a bit until the last few years. i think, there IS a purpose for empathy. 
i could be wrong, but i think empathy is our way of telling someone that they are ok for feeling what they feel, that there is nothing wrong with them simply for feeling what they feel. after all, if we can truly empathize with them, then we know where they are coming from. to judge them for their emotions would be to judge ourselves. like brene brown said, empathy lacks judgement.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Something I've experienced when it comes to sympathy/empathy. I could previously sympathize with those suffering depression,be it a family member or friend,knowing that they were having a difficult time,but not fully understanding. Acknowledgement from me,as they are people that I care about. Empathy came around when depression visited my own doorstep. The disconnect between wanting and knowing I had to do something about it and my seemingly inability to take action was something I had never experienced before. To me this disconnect wasn't logical and difficult to explain,but I can now empathize with those going through it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

As'la, you nailed the cluster headache. It isn't called the suicide headache for nothing. I experienced it for a 31 day cyle 3 years ago and to this day stand in dread of a re-occurrence.

I wouldn't want anyone to try to experience it for the sake of empathy.

What stopped the cycle was one night I was desperate for relief but my husband refused to let me take another pill as that would exceed the daily limit. Sitting on the side of the bed, I mindlessly pushed some hair off my forehead. Immediately the pain stopped. Stunned, delighted and at a loss for the cause of the cessation of pain. It was the whisper-light touch of my fingers. So the next time the symptom was approaching, I lightly stroked the opposite side of my face and it worked. This could be simply diverting my brain but I feel like I have a tool if the headache presents itself again. So sorry you are in this pain cycle.

Sorry for the threadjack, Mem.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> As'la, you nailed the cluster headache. It isn't called the suicide headache for nothing. I experienced it for a 31 day cyle 3 years ago and to this day stand in dread of a re-occurrence.
> 
> I wouldn't want anyone to try to experience it for the sake of empathy.
> 
> ...


im actually managing quite well now. i suffered for almost three years before i finally got a diagnosis of chronic cluster headache, and then another couple of years managing to get by with daily imitrex injections and large doses of verapamil and lithium carbonate. while they didn't stop the daily and nightly attacks, they dramatically reduced their severity. the side effects were terrible however. the verapamil caused dizziness, heart palpitations, and ED. the lithium turned me into a bit of a spastic zombie with practically no short term memory. 

i no longer take verapamil or lithium and have been more or less pain free for about a year and a half now thanks to a combination of a vitamin d3 regimine and an alternative treatment option that i will not disclose publicly. 

pills are not a very good abortive, they don't work fast enough and generally contain far more of the medication than you actually need. it makes it easy to take too much. i took too much sumatriptan succinate once. after the headache, i experienced serotonin syndrome. its not fun at all...

if you ever find yourself dancing with the beast again, there is a message board with a lot of good information on it called clusterheadaches.com. there is a lot of experience on those boards... 

i encourage you to look into clusterheadaches.com and batches vitamin D3 regimine if you have not done so already. arm yourself with knowledge, because as you know, you're likely to dance with the beast again some day. though i sincerely hope you don't...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> I may need some tips from you. This is something new that I'm learning about myself, and learning how to manage.


As a child, I would be easily swamped by other people's emotions. I had a tough childhood like anyone else, and probably felt too much compassion for other people, all the time. 

I actually went almost a year without talking to anyone outside my immediate family when I was young. It was just immediate overload to engage.

Somewhere around junior high, probably when I got in my first real fight in grade 6 or 7, I discovered that I could stand up for myself and hurt those that were hurting me... And it didn't kill me. And that some people were just *******s. And I learned to wall them off.

In high school and dating, I probably learned to wall it off too well. Your prototypical jock a-hole, while never cheating or deceiving anyone, I sure broke a few hearts and didn't sweat it. 

Somewhere in university and after my first LTR, I discovered martial arts. That's probably where I learned to break down that wall again while being able to control my empathetic response -- to be aware deeply of someone's emotional state and simultaneously not 'feel' it. Body language, tone of voice, that feeling that surrounds the person that most people don't pick up on.

What I would advise someone with a similar position is to do things like a martial art, or yoga, or meditation -- and to be aware and present in interpersonal situations... But also be able to tell the difference between their internal state and your own.

I find it's very similar to being able to separate my instinct from my anxiety -- it actually feels quite different in the body, and one is much more subtle than the other.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> the third type is far more rare. they are the ones who see an emotion and automatically start trying to create an existence in their own minds to explain the emotion/behavior they see in others. they don't do it intentionally, it just happens. i have only ever met two of them in my life. when i am dancing with the beast, i don't want them anywhere near me...


This is me -- and I have to quite intentionally shut it off. I'm pretty good at it though (I have to be.)

It's actually quite difficult for me to understand someone that I can't create this 'instance' (what I call an internal model) in my mind -- if someone just seems random, or emotionally or logically irrational, it either triggers an immediate rejection emotionally... Or a total fascination.

What do you mean when you're dancing with the beast, you don't want them near you?

I will say that I'm purposefully put into situations at work and in the dojo where I'm the one to manage the crisis, because I'm extremely calm in the storm.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

marduk said:


> This is me -- and I have to quite intentionally shut it off. I'm pretty good at it though (I have to be.)
> 
> It's actually quite difficult for me to understand someone that I can't create this 'instance' (what I call an internal model) in my mind -- if someone just seems random, or emotionally or logically irrational, it either triggers an immediate rejection emotionally... Or a total fascination.
> 
> ...


watch this video if you want to get an idea of what it looks like. i would say she is at a Kip 8-9. it can actually get worse, and can last for up to three hours...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raCnH6BPdKM

the last thing i want is for ANYONE around me to actually know what its like. because its scary as fvck, and there is really nothing they can do to help. unless they have imitrex or enough pure oxygen with a high enough flow rate to support hyperventilation...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> watch this video if you want to get an idea of what it looks like. i would say she is at a Kip 8-9. it can actually get worse, and can last for up to three hours...
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raCnH6BPdKM
> 
> the last thing i want is for ANYONE around me to actually know what its like. because its scary as fvck, and there is really nothing they can do to help. unless they have imitrex or enough pure oxygen with a high enough flow rate to support hyperventilation...


Ya, I've had cluster headaches, and my son gets them -- nowhere near this bad, I'd say.

But why wouldn't you want someone like me around you then?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> As a child, I would be easily swamped by other people's emotions. I had a tough childhood like anyone else, and probably felt too much compassion for other people, all the time.
> 
> I actually went almost a year without talking to anyone outside my immediate family when I was young. It was just immediate overload to engage.
> 
> ...


This is something I really struggle with, especially at work. My boss is incredibly high strung, and EVERYTHING is an emergency with him, so it's like there's an emergency every day. And he is NOT good at regulating his own emotions. All of that panic and anxiety (and frustration and anger) just wreaks havoc on me. This week, he's not supposed to be here. He had outpatient surgery on Friday, and the doctor told him that he's supposed to take a week off to recover. He only took the weekend, because he thinks that he NEEDS to be here this week (he doesn't trust anyone me and the rest of the team to run things, despite the fact that we are all highly capable). So he's also in a lot of physical pain, which is making him VERY testy, and there's a lot of pressure at work because numbers are down, and he takes a lot of it out on me. I have no good way to cope with this.

As a teenager, I turned to food. As an adult, I started smoking as a way to deal. (I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time, but I see it now.) And I quit smoking not quite a week ago, so I don't have that now. And all of this stress this week is making it hard to stay on the non-smoking wagon. I'm really close to going out and buying a pack right now. (Not to mention the holidays. I hate the holidays.)

I, myself, am not an anxious person. I'm very laid back, but I'm also a high performer. But dealing with his sh!t throws all of that out of whack for me, and I find it very hard to be a good performer at work, and to keep my anxiety level low. My friend says I need to stop processing his emotions for him, but I don't know how I'm doing that, or how to stop! So now I have to figure that out, too? No wonder I'm completely overwhelmed.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ok your boss is an idiot and you need to find a new one. But that's beside the point. 

Be present in your body. Feel what he feels, but pay attention to where you feel it. 

If you're like me, you will feel it high up in your torso. That's also where I feel anxiety, but if you pay attention to it, you will be able to separate how the two feel. 

Once you know it's not yours, it's your choice what to do with it. 

I read dune as a child at about the same time, and used this passage:

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Let their pain and anxiety move through you without resistance. Breath it out. Don't fight it, let it move without interruption.

Same with your own secondary anxiety that is triggered by other people. Breathe. Flow. Once you're aware of it, put your attention on your belly button. 

That's where you will find your instinct, and your true emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

marduk said:


> Ya, I've had cluster headaches, and my son gets them -- nowhere near this bad, I'd say.
> 
> But why wouldn't you want someone like me around you then?


several reasons. usually, i try to detach from reality when i am going through the worst of it. if someone starts to really understand what i am going through, it makes it hard for me to detach because they start expressing emotions that i want to forget about. they remind me of things i would rather forget. 

that, and i really don't want someone to ever feel that... hopeless. 

if anything, i would rather have someone who can emotionally detach, because they are the least likely to suffer any ill effects that result from wanting to help but not being able to. for anyone to even have a clue what its like, they would have to experience it. 

at one point, i thought i found the magic bullet for getting a cluster headache to stop. i squirted some 2 million scoville pepper extract into my nose and left eye. within five minutes it was gone. unfortunately, capscaicin loses its effectiveness quickly. 

the biggest reason i wouldn't want you around is because it would scare the **** out of you. because it scares the **** out of me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ever try any pressure point work?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

marduk said:


> Ever try any pressure point work?


if you can think of it, or google it, i have probably tried it...
there is a pressure point in the back of the mouth(behind the upper teeth) that works fantastically for migraines. none of it touches CH. 

i have been known to grind my teeth hard enough to shatter them... probably not a good idea to stick anything but a mouth guard in my mouth during those moments.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> Ok your boss is an idiot and you need to find a new one. But that's beside the point.
> 
> Be present in your body. Feel what he feels, but pay attention to where you feel it.
> 
> ...


You are right, I do need to find a new boss. I'm trying to figure out what else I can do, because I need to get out of my particular field. There is far too much pressure to perform and produce numbers, when the numbers are completely out of anyone's control, with countless different, unpredictable variables. It's completely absurd.

Thank you for the advice.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> You are right, I do need to find a new boss. I'm trying to figure out what else I can do, because I need to get out of my particular field. There is far too much pressure to perform and produce numbers, when the numbers are completely out of anyone's control, with countless different, unpredictable variables. It's completely absurd.
> 
> Thank you for the advice.


Figure out how to use him and this situation to your benefit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> There is one thing she didn't get totally right on empathy. She said it's voluntary, which isn't entirely true. I'm an empath, and this happens to me involuntarily... sometimes I get sucked into someone's emotional black hole no matter how hard I try to fight it.
> @marduk, it makes me envy you a little bit.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk



Me too


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> Figure out how to use him and this situation to your benefit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is so not how I work. I wouldn't even know how to do that. I just want to do my job in peace, get paid, and go home.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

maybe i should describe what my wife likes to call "robot mode"...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> That is so not how I work. I wouldn't even know how to do that. I just want to do my job in peace, get paid, and go home.


It doesn't have to be manipulative. 

You have a rare skill or talent. You know what others are feeling even when they don't, or don't want people to know it. 

Learn how to use it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> It doesn't have to be manipulative.
> 
> You have a rare skill or talent. You know what others are feeling even when they don't, or don't want people to know it.
> 
> ...


Ah, OK. I think I get your meaning. I think.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Empathy is a term used by narcissists to call other people sociopaths.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Empathy is a term used by narcissists to call other people sociopaths.


that made me laugh. its not only incredibly cynical, but true. 

fact is, nobody can really feel what anyone else feels.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> i no longer take verapamil or lithium and have been more or less pain free for about a year and a half now thanks to a combination of a vitamin d3 regimine and an alternative treatment option that i will not disclose publicly.


It sounds like there is an alternative treatment that far exceeds conventional treatment in efficacy: Can Marijuana Treat Headaches? A Doctor's Perspective - Part 2 - Seedsman Blog

Maybe the new law that prohibits the feds from interfering with this sort of treatment might help...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

They're quite different. I am not a very sympathetic person - a firm believer in sh!t happens and all that - yet I'm pretty emphatic... 

Interestingly, I tend to lean towards the third type of empathy described earlier, where I sense an emotion and try to construct the "Sim City version" of the person to model or explain specific behaviors. I do it semi-purposefully, trying to decipher how their mind juggles priorities...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

technovelist said:


> It sounds like there is an alternative treatment that far exceeds conventional treatment in efficacy: Can Marijuana Treat Headaches? A Doctor's Perspective - Part 2 - Seedsman Blog
> 
> Maybe the new law that prohibits the feds from interfering with this sort of treatment might help...


marijuana wont touch a cluster headache at all. there is an alternative that falls under similar legal issues, however, that can result in complete remission for months on end. 

too bad its illegal to do research on it in the US. 

google "clusterbusters" to see what i am talking about.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> marijuana wont touch a cluster headache at all. there is an alternative that falls under similar legal issues, however, that can result in complete remission for months on end.
> 
> too bad its illegal to do research on it in the US.
> 
> google "clusterbusters" to see what i am talking about.


That's not what that article said, but of course not having that issue I can't speak from personal experience.

I hope you never have a recurrence. I wouldn't wish that on anyone... well, I can think of a few people, but that's off topic.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

technovelist said:


> That's not what that article said, but of course not having that issue I can't speak from personal experience.
> 
> I hope you never have a recurrence. I wouldn't wish that on anyone... well, I can think of a few people, but that's off topic.


one case with a report of a guy who claims instant relief, posted on a website devoted to promoting cannabis... 

i have never personally met or heard of anyone who ever found any relief from marijuana, besides the one off guy who claims "yeah man, they were terrible, but now i smoke my pot and its all cool!" 

well, i once thought hot pepper extract in my eye was the magic abortive. then later, sprinting until i collapse. or running naked in the snow. or drinking a flat redbull at the immediate onset. 

mary jane is one of the least common "success" stories for CH.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have sympathy for someone who is having a tough time.

However I can have both sympathy and empathy for someone who is going through a similar tough time to one that I went through.

An old word for empathy is 'fellowfeel'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> that made me laugh. its not only incredibly cynical, but true.
> 
> fact is, nobody can really feel what anyone else feels.


When I was a child I pondered a lot. One day I realised that when you feel the pain of a burn how do I know that what you feel is the same pain that I feel when I am injured.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> one case with a report of a guy who claims instant relief, posted on a website devoted to promoting cannabis...


There is a little more to it from what I read, but again you know much more about it than I do.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

john117 said:


> They're quite different. I am not a very sympathetic person - a firm believer in sh!t happens and all that - yet I'm pretty emphatic...
> 
> Interestingly, I tend to lean towards the third type of empathy described earlier, where I sense an emotion and try to construct the "Sim City version" of the person to model or explain specific behaviors. I do it semi-purposefully, trying to decipher how their mind juggles priorities...


You can be as emphatic as you want. But, are you empathetic?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

technovelist said:


> There is a little more to it from what I read, but again you know much more about it than I do.


I can attest that MJ did nothing for my cluster headaches.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You can be as emphatic as you want. But, are you empathetic?


Lolz


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

I'm curious about something for those who say they're an "empathy" (like @FeministInPink @marduk) What is this like? Does it mean you're just really good at picking up on others feelings and putting yourself in their shoes? Is it actually a condition or power (like a superhumanish power of sorts?) I'm curious. Please describe.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JukeboxHero said:


> I'm curious about something for those who say they're an "empathy" (like @FeministInPink @ Marduk) What is this like? Does it mean you're just really good at picking up on others feelings and putting yourself in their shoes? Is it actually a condition or power (like a superhumanish power of sorts?) I'm curious. Please describe.


A person can be an EMPATH (not an empathy). 

I had never heard the term until maybe a year or two ago. I can't explain it well, except to say that I am very sensitive and overly aware of other's emotions, which I tend to absorb and internalize. Marduk has been aware of this, and seems to have found ways to manage it. I haven't yet, so someone's energy can really impact me in a negative way. 

For example, on Christmas Eve afternoon, I stopped in at CVS because I needed to get a couple last-minute items. I had to wait in line at the register because I had gift cards, and I had already been waiting like 15 mins to pay. And this woman comes up behind me, and asks me if she can get in front of me in line because she only has one item. I said "No, but if you only have one item and you're in a rush, you should use the express self checkout," and I point over where there are several self checkout stations and no line. She proceeds to b!tch me out and telling me how awful people in DC are compared to the midwest, how I should let her go first, etc. She just vomited negative energy all over me. And she actually didn't SAY that much. But the whole thing followed me around like a cloud for the rest of the day; I couldn't get rid of the bad juju. It literally took me about 8 hours to get rid of/process it.

I found this link that explains it:
 http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html


It gets talking about the paranormal and whatever, which I don't know about that, that's something I've always been pretty skeptical about. But other than that, most of it is pretty spot on with my experience.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Feminist, your example doesn't scream empath. It does scream sensitive. Come up with some automatic lines that will help to defuse the situation and put the person in their place. Entitlement is an ugly thing to contend with.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> A person can be an EMPATH (not an empathy).
> 
> I had never heard the term until maybe a year or two ago. I can't explain it well, except to say that I am very sensitive and overly aware of other's emotions, which I tend to absorb and internalize. Marduk has been aware of this, and seems to have found ways to manage it. I haven't yet, so someone's energy can really impact me in a negative way.
> 
> ...



I'm an empath and hate that I can't turn it off. Not sure about how you process TAM but I feel what the betrayed feel like it's me. This place is addicting and it hurts me when I read most of these stories. Hard to get away from because I feel so strongly about the hurt people here. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Feminist, your example doesn't scream empath. It does scream sensitive. Come up with some automatic lines that will help to defuse the situation and put the person in their place. Entitlement is an ugly thing to contend with.


I think I was using that as an example because it was on the forefront of my mind, because it had just happened. You're right, probably not the best example.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

try doing something...

picture every person you meet as you. as in, picture them with your face on them. your body. picture them as you. 
they are not a different person, they are you. only, in this other case of you, you were born to different parents, in a different place.  possibly even a different gender... etc. you get the idea. 

your life, from this other perspective, has taught you totally different lessons than the one you are living right now. you have had different experiences and different emotions, and as a result, have thought different thoughts and formed different beliefs. but, its still you. the only thing that has changed is the details of your experiences. 

when you see that person who just lost a close family member, that is you who just lost a close family member. it didn't happen to them, it happened to you. when you see that homeless guy who was so distraught that he drank his life away, that was you who felt that much crushing pain and felt so helpless that you didn't know where to go. that was you who gets passed up by everyone around you and judged and labeled as a worthless human being. that was you. 

when you see that person with abandonment issues, that is you who fears that kind of pain. it was your parents that told you that you are worthless. that was you who was left alone and tossed aside when you had no idea where to turn. that was you who grew up fearing that kind of pain so deeply that you would rather scream in rage and push people away than to feel that pain ever again. that was you. 

when you see that person who placed all their hopes and dreams into another person and was betrayed and hated for it, that was you who felt that soul crushing knife to the heart. when you see them crying in hopeless agony, that was you.

if you want to experience empathy people, just look into the mirror. you will be able to understand the world by understanding yourself.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

JukeboxHero said:


> I'm curious about something for those who say they're an "empathy" (like @FeministInPink @ Marduk) What is this like? Does it mean you're just really good at picking up on others feelings and putting yourself in their shoes? Is it actually a condition or power (like a superhumanish power of sorts?) I'm curious. Please describe.


Sorry I missed this.

For me, as a child, it would be finding myself overwhelmed with other's emotional state. It was like they were screaming "I want I want I want" or "I hurt I hurt I hurt" or whatever... All the time. Especially adults. Even when they weren't saying anything.

As an adult now, I have learned to examine and monitor my emotional state nearly continuously when in the presence of another person. It's instinctive now, I'm not even really aware of it.

But if I start to feel something odd -- anxiety, fear, etc are the easiest to pick up on but so is lust or attraction -- I sink down and pay attention to where this feeling is and why it is. If it's me, I let it go. But if it isn't, I know it's the other person.

Body language is most of it, I guess. Second nature, martial arts helped.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> Sorry I missed this.
> 
> For me, as a child, it would be finding myself overwhelmed with other's emotional state. It was like they were screaming "I want I want I want" or "I hurt I hurt I hurt" or whatever... All the time. Especially adults. Even when they weren't saying anything.
> 
> ...


This is a MUCH better explanation/example than I gave.

Marduk is also a "[self] trained" empath--he's trained himself to deal with and manage it.

I'm not. So my experiences are all over the map at this point. I'm still trying to figure it all out. (@Marduk's posts have been helpful to me.)


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