# PE Help!



## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Ok, as I have posted before my wife is younger then me and is VERY sexual. I truly believe she could have sex 3-4 times a day. For years I was on the other end of the spectrum and we would have sex 2-3 times a month leaving her with her vibrator that she would almost use daily for several years. Come to find out I had very low T. In the past 6 months our sex life has improved going to 2-3 times a week still now where near what she would want. Now in the past month or so I have had a problem with controlling my ejaculation. I have tried to do different techniques listed on websites etc. In the next few weeks I have an appointment with the Dr. but my question is esp for the women. Would this be something that you get tired of? She has even mentioned that she gets somewhat frustrated when I have to stop so I can prolong intercourse. 
Anybody else faced this? I hope this is temporary and she said if it wasn't that it is ok. But since she is so sexual I would think that toys and vibrators only would go so far. 
I haven't really had this problem in the past I mean lasting 6-7 minutes but lately it has been 45 second to 1.5 minutes. 
Any advice would be highly appreciated.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

For me it wouldn't be a problem unless it began developing emotional or other setbacks in the relationship (i.e. depression, frustration, resentment etc on my partner's end). Sexuality can be experienced and expressed through plenty of avenues so it can open up other exploratory options and I would focus on that if it became a long-term concern. 

OP, is there a specific type of sexual interaction that brings about the premature ejaculation? Is it only PIV, is it any kind of stimulation? Are you able to masturbate first (or have her bring you to orgasm) then use the refractory period to play with her and be ready for a round-two? It might be worthwhile to figure out if there are certain acts that either delay or exacerbate it.

Another reason, aside from a physical cause, that can bring on ejaculatory concerns is high levels of stress in your life. Are there potentially any other areas of your life or relationship that are weighing on you and could be playing out in the bedroom?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

ButWeAreStrange Thanks for the response and reply. It has worked on me some I do feel really bad knowing I am not giving her what she needs as I do know sex is very important to her. I do use toys for her to help along with prolong foreplay. No unfortunately PIV, oral, anal we have tried only to same results. The other issue is besides me on top where I don't have control or being able to stop makes it worse. So from behind or her on top she is in control and she doesn't know when to stop. 
My refractory time is pretty slow, I normally can't be ready to go again for 2-3 days. Another issue I am sure that can be frustrated for her. I am going to try and see if I can get better at that. I am under a lot of stress at work so maybe that could be an underlying cause. I have to work so not much I can do about that. 

ButWeAreStrange have you ran into this with a guy before?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Volunteer86 said:


> Come to find out I had very low T. In the past 6 months our sex life has improved going to 2-3 times a week still now where near what she would want. Now in the past month or so I have had a problem with controlling my ejaculation.
> 
> I haven't really had this problem in the past I mean lasting 6-7 minutes but lately it has been 45 second to 1.5 minutes.
> Any advice would be highly appreciated.


So where is your T at now? Is it at a healthy level?



Volunteer86 said:


> My refractory time is pretty slow, I normally can't be ready to go again for 2-3 days. Another issue I am sure that can be frustrated for her. I am going to try and see if I can get better at that. I am under a lot of stress at work so maybe that could be an underlying cause. I have to work so not much I can do about that.


Ouch, I hate to kick a guy when he is down - but two or three days?! How old are you? From my experience this is well outside the realm of normal. From my experience most guys who can't delay, have been good for a second round within, oh, 30 mins - so we are good to go for a decent duration the second round. 

Have you ever had a time when your refractory period was better? Or when you were able to delay for more than 10 mins? 

While I understand work can be stressful - few things in life make as much as a negative impact on quality of life than stress.... and stress kills. It damages your heart, cardiovascular system, digestive system, mental health. Stress really should not be ignored, but rather managed. 

What do you do to manage your stress? What steps do you take to de-stress every day?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm not a woman..... but this would be very frustrating to me....

You didn't mention your age and general physical health. Those are quite salient factors in PE. Hopefully, your upcoming doc appointment is with urology or with someone who is capable at sexual dysfunction issues.

You also didn't say if you are periodically checking the testosterone levels while taking supplimenation?

I also wonder if you have been checked for thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH) and prolactin levels? There are some new studies which are drawing correlation of these to PE. 

It's not necessary to answer these questions for me, as I would be unable to make any judgement about the values. I just wanted to "throw these out" so that you might inquire to your doc.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I shouldnthave said:


> So where is your T at now? Is it at a healthy level?
> 
> Yes it is at a healthy normal level as of the past 5 months.
> 
> ...


Well I understand and want honesty so I can take it. I am 45 years old, wow 30 minutes! Is that normal? I normally try to read, work out and exercise to de-stress. 

So would these be issues for you? I mean if it didn't change and it was long term?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

TJW said:


> I'm not a woman..... but this would be very frustrating to me....
> 
> You didn't mention your age and general physical health. Those are quite salient factors in PE. Hopefully, your upcoming doc appointment is with urology or with someone who is capable at sexual dysfunction issues.
> 
> ...


Thanks TJW, I am mid 40's in fairly good shape, I could lose about 10 or so pounds. I have had my T levels checked twice since they have been low and they are on point according to my Dr. and yes it is an urologist that I will be seeing. I do not know about TSH and prolactin levels but it is def something I will ask.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Volunteer86 said:


> ButWeAreStrange Thanks for the response and reply. It has worked on me some I do feel really bad knowing I am not giving her what she needs as I do know sex is very important to her. I do use toys for her to help along with prolong foreplay. No unfortunately PIV, oral, anal we have tried only to same results. The other issue is besides me on top where I don't have control or being able to stop makes it worse. So from behind or her on top she is in control and she doesn't know when to stop.
> My refractory time is pretty slow, I normally can't be ready to go again for 2-3 days. Another issue I am sure that can be frustrated for her. I am going to try and see if I can get better at that. I am under a lot of stress at work so maybe that could be an underlying cause. I have to work so not much I can do about that.
> 
> ButWeAreStrange have you ran into this with a guy before?


It shows a great deal of love and care on your part to be concerned enough to want to be proactive and not let her down. You should also, though, be helping take care of yourself during this because the stress and frustration (while completely justified and very sweet) can actually create a mental inhibitor that could be affecting your process of addressing the problem. It's sort of like being affected by stress, and then you stress out about the stress, and then you're stressing about the stress that stressed you out. In other words, it creates a cycle that will be more difficult to break and find the root of the problem if you let it get to you too much. It's great to be aware and appreciative of both your and her feelings about everything, but to also know that it's alright to let it go and approach it from a mindful and balanced perspective. 

I agree that 2-3 days does sound out of the norm, hopefully this can be addressed by your doctor. Do you have any trouble developing or maintaining the erection prior to ejaculation or is it simply that you respond too quickly to stimulation? 

While I haven't experienced this long-term, I had a partner who was suffering from depression and extreme levels of stress at work and this began showing itself through having premature ejaculation. He wasn't even experiencing any release, so it was like his body was simply giving up before he was ready to end any physical contact. What ended up helping us out was recognizing first the root of his stress, addressing it realistically (obviously you can't stop working, but you can find ways to limit its negative impact on you), developed some stress-relievers that either one of us could use on a regular basis to help him, and then we began actively making time to have sex (intercourse or outercourse) every single day. One of the things he noticed was that he became much more likely to climax too soon when there had been too much time in between sessions, leaving him more sensitive and susceptible to being finished sooner than he would have wanted. Over time the regular exposure to sexual stimulation began to help chip away at the issue, and then we began slowly adding in a day or two in between sessions to keep from developing a new dependency. It was a lot of trial and error and patience, but it helped tremendously.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Volunteer86 said:


> Well I understand and want honesty so I can take it. I am 45 years old, wow 30 minutes! Is that normal? I normally try to read, work out and exercise to de-stress.
> 
> So would these be issues for you? I mean if it didn't change and it was long term?


I am going to be HONEST! For ME, I am a very sexual person. Yes, this would be an issue for me, a big issue. But honestly you wouldn't have gotten past Go I don't think. Great sex is one of my pre-reqs. 

30 mins? I don't know if its normal, my data set ins't in the statistically significant numbers. But from the handful of 40 somethings I have been with, they could either come, and get it back up for round two before anyone had a chance to put clothes on, or they had complete control and could delay for as long as they chose. 

Do you feel like your stress is managed? If your sexual performance is directly related to being stressed out, it doesn't sound like it is. 

I have a high pressure job, but stress makes me WANT sex. Its a given that I am going to want sex as soon as I get home Monday nights - because Mondays are always a killer in the office. Besides that, I have a whole routine to manage stress (I exercise, eat well, have a regiment that includes a lot of time spent in nature and solitude). I have tools I have learned from counselors and sports psychologist to calm my mind and focus my thinking - those help me immensely.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Thanks @shouldnthave I think I do need to manage my stress in a more productive manner. I guess I need to see an Urologist about the issue it seems like I am in the minority when it comes to this. I guess an open communication with her is also the best route I don't want her resenting me or her sexual frustration off the charts. 



I shouldnthave said:


> I am going to be HONEST! For ME, I am a very sexual person. Yes, this would be an issue for me, a big issue. But honestly you wouldn't have gotten past Go I don't think. Great sex is one of my pre-reqs.
> 
> 30 mins? I don't know if its normal, my data set ins't in the statistically significant numbers. But from the handful of 40 somethings I have been with, they could either come, and get it back up for round two before anyone had a chance to put clothes on, or they had complete control and could delay for as long as they chose.
> 
> ...


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Volunteer86 said:


> Thanks @shouldnthave I think I do need to manage my stress in a more productive manner. I guess I need to see an Urologist about the issue it seems like I am in the minority when it comes to this. I guess an open communication with her is also the best route I don't want her resenting me or her sexual frustration off the charts.


Hi V86, I commend you for taking this so seriously and taking this on head on. 2-3 days of recovery is way outside the realm of normal I am 41 and I can be ready to go anywhere from immediately to 30 minutes. There are different techniques to try and control, if my wife is looking for a really long session and I am getting close I might just go deeps and rub my pubic bone against her clitoris for a minute until I calm down a bit this involves little to no motion of the penis so the stimulation is greatly reduced for me. Doing this every so often I can delay as long as we want. 

Along with looking at dealing with stress, look at you diet. People often overlook how big an impact diet has on all aspects of our health. You might be off on proper nutrition which when compounded with stress can lead to a whole host of problems. So for me I would focus on holistic health, mental, diet, exercise. 

Also I would suggest you look at ways to increase your drive. Your testosterone might be in the range of normal but on the low end of the range, This could be addressed with some hormone therapy if your doc is willing to give it a try. I know back in my early twenties in college I was a big muscle head and at one point did some testosterone, because it was so easy to get a the gym I went to. Man I already had a strong drive but good lord add additional testosterone and I was horny all day every day and could have sex for hours on end. You know hoe they say contact you doctor for an erection lasting more than 4 hours, well I should have been on the phone to the doc every day for those 10 weeks or so. 

I wish you the best of luck. Keep your head up, you get this figured out.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Just more data for OP....2-3 days, as steadfast members have shared, is outside the norm for a man of your age. 
Time for a physical!

At 55yo, besides some days morning and evening sex, some evenings it's twice in one night. When we spoon naked / me behind, things just start again within a few minutes. Wife can wiggle the right way at the right time and here we go. 
There may be some health or other factor working against you.....not to state the obvious....

Blood pressure ok? At any rate a physical is in order. Not specifically for the sex topic but underlying possible problem to treat. 

Best of luck.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

+1 for getting a full physical. I'm probably more of an outlier in terms of ability to go rounds because of physical activity and the amount of supplements I take for lifting and sports but I could go for round 2 in about 5 minutes (Age 38 right now). 

Having said that on the other issue of PE, I had that issue over the last 10 years or so because sex was so infrequent it was like it was the first time all over again each time, averaging sex about every 1-2 months. So the sensitivity was high. I solved that and several other issues. STBXW didn't like the mess and I didn't like how quick it would go for me and wanted to be able to go longer and have the freedom to move about without sparking a launch right away. So what I did was used the Condoms that had a bit of a numbing agent inside. I could go forever and sometimes I had to pull the damn thing off to finish on my end.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Pe with that long of a refractory period seems very different to me than the norm. You've received some great advice here and I hope that it takes you to the sex life you guys want to have. good luck!


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

An inexpensive (and safe) thing to consider (which worked for me), was taking vitamin D3.

I'm 50, and never had a performance problem in my life, up until about two years ago, when suddenly I encountered a couple of instances of ED. It scared the crap out of me, I'll admit, because I've always been able to rise to the occasion at a moments notice. I did some reading, and got my T levels checked (all fine), but I read an article about how vitamin D3 seemed to help with the body making use of 'free Testosterone'. I decided to give it a try. 10,000 UI once a day. For me, my issue disappeared in a couple of days, and my performance improved. (Harder, able to stay that way longer, etc.) 

Vitamin D3 is pretty cheap, and safe. Might be a consideration; it might not help your situation, but it couldn't hurt to give it a try. Just my two cents.


-H.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Have you tried masturbating before sex?


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

I'm sorry I didn't read about your refractory period. I asked a dumb question.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Volunteer86 said:


> I normally can't be ready to go again for 2-3 days.


Perhaps you are confusing a refractory period with your natural frequency of intimate desire. The refractory period is the amount of time after intercourse that the male reproductive system can not achieve orgasm or an erection. This usually lasts from minutes to roughly a day depending on age. So when you say you "can't be ready to go again for 2-3 days" that sounds like perhaps you are getting very aroused during subsequent foreplay but not yet able to get erect unless you wait a few more days. 

In reality I think you mean that you need 2-3 days before you have a natural desire built back up to enjoy intimacy again. If you were to try before that there is simply no or very little desire to do so, even though you could get an erection and perhaps achieve orgasm. Doing so perhaps would not be enjoyable and might leave you feeling empty or numb, particularly if you are under a great deal of stress.

I would strongly recommend that you learn to engage in nonsexual intimacy with your wife. If you are under a lot of stress, ask your wife for a back rub. Practice ways of learning how to help sooth and calm each other with touch that is not sexual. Perhaps you can massage her feet or help her wash her hair in the shower.

If your wife is highly sexual but you are not, the two of you likely are that way in response to stress. Some folks when under stress will become highly sexual as they associate it with something enjoyable and relaxing. Others when under stress will not have any desire for intimacy as they associate it with being expected to perform and deliver an exciting moment for their partner.

So if the two of you can learn how to better enjoy nonsexual intimacy and focus on ways to calm and sooth each other when one of the two of you is under stress without any sexual expectations... that should help things and intimacy may begin to feel natural and relaxed. You may find your PE subsides in the event you have become anxious during intimacy as that can cause a spike of adrenaline which when combined with natural arousal, well... that will just make things too good too fast. 

Key words here are relaxing and learning to remove expectations of performance during all forms of intimacy (both sexual and nonsexual). 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Thanks @badsanta for your advice.....I think you are right I have gotten it confused...It takes me 2-4 days to want it again and my wife is ready 4-5 times a day!


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Volunteer86 said:


> Thanks TJW, I am mid 40's in fairly good shape, I could lose about 10 or so pounds. I have had my T levels checked twice since they have been low and they are on point according to my Dr. and yes it is an urologist that I will be seeing. I do not know about TSH and prolactin levels but it is def something I will ask.


Besides accepting what your doctor says is "normal" - get the actual numbers from him/her so that you can discuss that along with your symptoms.

I have to share with you that, as a woman who was an amateur body-builder when I met my husband, I was surprised by his attitude about staying in shape. He was not as interested and hasn't been as I have. But, finally, when he got his T checked and found that, like you, it was "normal" - but I checked his numbers with him and they were on the low side of normal. By having a dialogue with his doctor about his symptoms, he began T supplementation. Over a period of a couple of years, his attitude changed towards taking care of his diet and exercising. He did lose the weight and he actually FELT like exercising.

Then, we started going to the gym, but things still weren't happening with the body changes I expected for him. We worked out separately since I was swimming mostly and he was in the gym by himself. 

So, when we started working out together and I got him working out with super-sets, I noticed how I was lifting as much as him, which wasn't right. I decided to push him a bit to give him confidence to lift and work out to his higher capacity - knowing he has the T and the maleness to go harder at the gym

He was delighted to find out that he had been actually slacking and that he's much stronger than he thought he was. The very first week of harder workouts, his body began to change. Now, after a month of harder workouts, his body shape is changing and his stamina has gotten amazing. 

I think an awful lot of people don't realize through experience how much athletic activity enhances sex drive. It really, really drives it up. If you feel good and you look athletic and healthy, your attitude follows. 

Now, let me address the spouse with the higher sex drive. This is something that is different between my husband and I. He has a much higher sex drive - and it comes out of nowhere sometimes. We'll just be sitting watching TV and he'll want to go for it while I'm in the middle of following the plot or storyline and I'm, like, "Whoa, dude, now?" It's very obvious that he has a higher sex drive. I'm running to keep up sometimes and, like you, I start to get a little "Oh, I'd better keep up here or he's going to be dissatisfied..."

There's some pressure there where I start feeling, well, bad. That kind of builds and I stop thinking logically and get a bit irrationally self-conscious and "Oh, gad, he's going to leave me if I don't do something more or better..."

So, I talk to him about that because working that out is important for both people to be honest and understand what's going on. I mean, if a spouse was going to leave me over not being able to match a sex drive tit-for-tat, I'd want to know. I don't want somebody hanging around unhappy and unsatisfied to the point that they are miserable.

But, for us, that wasn't the case. We're always checking in and talking about it. What do I like, what does he like, is it okay for one to have an orgasm and the other not sometimes, what different ways can we be sexual that are satisfying even if they mean one or both don't have orgasms, is masturbation okay - alone or with your partner - is it okay for him to feel like having sex more often - so many facets of the conversation. 

These conversations are the springboard for keeping our sex life on track for both of us. I can't believe the number of years we went through where we both didn't speak up as often or openly where we made stuff up in our heads about what the other person was thinking or wanted - or didn't want. That style of existence didn't work very well - certainly not as well as talking openly and honestly.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP. Woman here. First PE wouldn't bother me very much as long as when your finished early or late you make sure I finish. My husband sometimes finishes before me but he had no trouble with his hands and toys getting me to come.

He is 49 and sometimes he can't do two a day. We've never really done back to back like many talk about here. He sometimes gets hard within 5 minutes or 30 minutes but he rarely can have a second orgasm unless at least 4-8 hours have passed. If we try 2/day for too many days it seems not to work. Don't know if this is normal or not. The most important thing is how does your wife feel about it. How is your relationship?

Getting a physical work up is always a good idea. Communication with a spouse is also a good idea. Being a generous lover is like an investment. It doesn't mean you have to try to match her drive but when you guys do have sex make sure it is better for her than masterbating.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

anastasia6 said:


> OP. Woman here. First PE wouldn't bother me very much as long as when your finished early or late you make sure I finish. My husband sometimes finishes before me but he had no trouble with his hands and toys getting me to come.
> 
> He is 49 and sometimes he can't do two a day. We've never really done back to back like many talk about here. He sometimes gets hard within 5 minutes or 30 minutes but he rarely can have a second orgasm unless at least 4-8 hours have passed. If we try 2/day for too many days it seems not to work. Don't know if this is normal or not. The most important thing is how does your wife feel about it. How is your relationship?
> 
> Getting a physical work up is always a good idea. Communication with a spouse is also a good idea. Being a generous lover is like an investment. It doesn't mean you have to try to match her drive but when you guys do have sex make sure it is better for her than masterbating.


Anastasia6, Thanks so much for your help. We do have a GREAT relationship and communicate awesome. We can talk about anything as you can tell. I would love to be able to get hard even if I couldn't have a second orgasm for her sake. I do oral, fingers and toys anything I can to help, she has a vibe that usually does the trick for her. I just don't want her unsatisfied and feel a resentment towards me. Especially if she is talking with another female as I know what I can and can't do. I just keep thinking that I am sure she would love to have better intercourse. I will keep working and communicating. I just think it shouldn't take me that long to be able and want to go again.


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