# Where there's smoke, there's fire



## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

I'm really confused now. After my first post about the girl at my husband's work, I took it as being jealous on my side. That's why I deleted the post, for feeling stupid at not trusting my husband. 

However. Yesterday he lightly shared that he got a hug from her. ???? I was like: "why?" He said "just because, I don't know" YEAH RIGHT. Anyway, I asked then who else got a hug for no apparent reason, and his answer was no-one else. Well that's just lovely. So I sit and look at him and can't believe he thinks that's fine. I'm analyzing myself and thinking, ok, so it was some sort of joke probably, not worth to pick a fight over. Chill.

Today, as a consultant, I travel everywhere to my clients. It so happened that today's client was 5minutes from my husband's work. I've been meaning to go there since they moved to this new place, so I told him this morning to expect me if I still have time. So when I was finished with my client, I phoned him to ask if he can spare a few minutes, yes, ok then, put the kettle on, I'm on my way. "We can have a quick break at your courtyard, then I'm off to get the kids"

So I come there, he's waiting outside, which is fine. Then, as I enter the building, he says, not here, I thought we could go to the coffee shop." I said "I don't really have time for all that, waiting for the waiter and so on, let's just hang out here" So he takes me directly to the courtyard, and I'm like "what about the coffee darling?" So he says oh, but is so uncomfortable, that I told him I'd wait in front. The coffee machine is in the open plan office, where the girl also sits. I haven't met her, and frankly didn't want to, because then I'd have a face in my head. But seeing that he took so long, I decided to join him and greet his collegues. They were all friendly, she (there's only one hispanic she) didn't even look up.

To the men out there, I know a wife pitching up at work can be uncomfotable. However, my husband is spontanious and wacky, took me on a tour and let me meet everyone the previous time. He's not shy, although he is in a managing position, I always felt welcome. Still, I told him in the morning, and phoned before to make sure he's fine with it.

So when I emailed him afterwards about how unwelcome he made me feel and asked him what was going on, he said "I don't know"
That's it....what's going on? I don't think it's still me being paranoid, something's definitly up, I would appreciate ideas on how to handle this. Our sex life isn't good, it's great. averaging on 5 times a week. He is turning 40, but seriously, that shouldn't be an issue, or could it?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hell--"They were all friendly, she (there's only one hispanic she) didn't even look up."

Go back and this time when you see her walk accross and say in a very loud voice.

*Do you normally make a habit of hitting on married men or is it just my husband*. Then walk out.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Wisp said:


> Hell--"They were all friendly, she (there's only one hispanic she) didn't even look up."
> 
> Go back and this time when you see her walk accross and say in a very loud voice.
> 
> *Do you normally make a habit of hitting on married men or is it just my huband*. Then walk out.


No, that's not the way to handle it (although I'd sell the tickets if you were going to do this) 

First, he was upfront about the hug. If there was something going on do you think he would have mentioned that?

Second, if you do go back to the office, say hi to everyone but make sure you go to this woman and introduce yourself nicely:

"Hi, I'm Joe's wife, Ann. It's nice to meet you."

Look her right in the eye when you do this.

When you walk around, make contact with your husband... hand on his arm, arm around his waist. Don't make it a gross PDA, just send the signal.

And increase it to six times a week.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"And increase it to six times a week" -- indeed


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

Lol Wisp! I can be *****y, but that's a bit too much for me!
Chris "And increase it to six times a week." ROFL

About confronting her, I don't really want to make a fuss at his work enviroment. Her I'm not worried about, she can do what she likes...it's him who's not keeping his end straight. 

I've had my share of flirty men, sometimes I smile, sometimes I laugh, but before it goes to the next sentence I make it clear that I'm "not for sale". That's what he didn't do/aren't doing. I don't like that. He's acting guilty and not saying anything. I'm not talking about this subject, I'm waiting for him to respond. At the moment he took my silence as "she's pissed" and went to his friend's house. I'm fine with that, as it's a friend from church and it's probably a good idea, seeing that I don't want to handle this issue quite yet. 
We've had fights before, but never more serious than who's turn it is to buy milk. This one is tough.
Saying or doing the wrong thing might cause heavy scars...I don't want this. I really thought we were doing great.


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

Wisp said:


> "And increase it to six times a week" -- indeed



HAha....... you are naughty.:lol:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wisp said:


> "And increase it to six times a week" -- indeed


Ummmm......red flag

A "change" - up or down - in your sex life is a red flag. If 5 a week is the norm, then that's cool. If he's suddenly more interested at home, it could mean that he's getting worked up elsewhere but still choosing to come home to you - for now. That was my experience. Wife flirting or "something" online - got her all excited at home. Was a lot of fun until you realize why you're getting so "lucky."

The office behavior - not sure. I don't like my wife coming around where I work. We just don't really have visitors. Its rare and seems awkard. And "I don't know" could just mean that he doesn't know how to explain this to you without hurting your feelings.

Now - her not looking up - I think you're dead on correct.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Maybe I missed something in the previous post, but how is he not "keeping his end straight"? he admitted that she gave him a hug (not "we hugged" or "I hugged her"), took you to the office. OK, maybe the logistics of coffee didn't work out, but did he hesitate when you said you would swing by?

There's no smoke here. if there is, it's with her, not him.

No need to confront her. Just introduce yourself to her and look her in the eyes.

And make it 7 times.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I suggest you tackle your H head on. From what I read you suspect he his hiding something and there may be more happening than meets the eye.

Prepare for the worst and be joyful if is better than expected. 

PS: I have been present when an H walked in to the reception area of his wife's company and loudly asked in his wife’s presence to be introduced to the man she was sr***g. It was most effective. The OM I ascertained was the one that quickly bolted and fell going through the turnstiles.


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

Really 7! Oh my hat!

Ok, the previous post I shared my concern regarding this new girl at his workplace, who he can't stop talking about. Because we have an open trusting relationship, he thinks it's ok to share the flirty things they do with me. She makes him coffee although she's his equal (in work status), he comments on what she's wearing. She wore a safari dress yesterday (he told me that too) and do I really want to know this. When I got irritated a few days ago, he told me not to be jealous, or he won't share anything anymore. What on earth? So it's really fun flirting at the office, but who's supposed to draw the line? Obviously the married one.


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

He's been gone now for 2 hours. I'm not a nagger, so I'm not calling. So I'm just writing this down...what are they talking about? Why can't he talk to me? We've always been open, this is completely out of whack. I'm taking Wisp's advice on facing him head on with this. But if he still says it's nothing, I'll have to believe him, I'm not yet up to that one, because although I'm blonde, I'm not stupid.

Maybe I should not start there. I will start on how this makes me feel, not about if its something or not, just how I'm feeling right this moment. I've never doubted this man before, he's a church-going straight and narrow guy, turned into a suspicious weird acting one. It's just freaking me out about now. Do you know people that changed so dramatically?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sorry - missed something - gone for 2 hours? And is he with her?

Don't know what's going on with your H, but will tell you that my wife didn't become a liar until year 14 of our marriage. And once that switch is flipped, its hard to get them to stop.

So yes - people you know - or think you know - can change in an instant.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

A good way is to talk directly but not confrontationally to your H. Men do not do subtle.

Tell him you are concerned with what is going on at work and the fact that he is late without calling you is cause for concern. Then ask him directly where he was. Listen and say so xxx was not there.

Whatever the answer is, at this point in time you can only listen then when your head is clear assess what is happening.


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

Wisp said:


> A good way is to talk directly but not confrontationally to your H. Men do not do subtle.


This statement is true. I figured that out last night when he came back. We were silent at first, I was waiting for him to start talking, make an excuse or something. Eventually I started with," s do you want to talk about something?" He said he was at a friend, talking about non-relationship things. "What's your problem, because I can see you are troubled" This was my turn, so I told him how I felt. He wanted to stop and say it means nothing, but I told him to shuush, it's my turn. I told him directly that this is not the way I want to feel. Our marriage is sacred and should be protected. This girl is getting the wrong impression, which is hurting me. 
He clicked. He asked forgiveness for his actions at my visit. Yes, he was uncomfortable with me being there, he felt his image go down the drain. Not being ashamed of me, but ashamed of himself. He promised to leave her alone regarding non-work stuff. Any comments about her looks or whatever stops now. 
We slept in silence, because I felt his remorse, but still felt hurt. Today I'm better, and won't hold this against him, but I'm glad that I have the whole day before I have to talk to him. I'll go jog or something to get my head clear. This was tough on my system. Thanks for the ideas and support. We're getting over this one, all that needs to happen is my ego should have to handle it.
He invited me back to the office to make it up to me. I wont do it now...maybe in 6months or so, but not now.


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