# For Fun: Is the "common wisdom? true?



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OK, I am curious to see if the folk lore is true!

Folklore Wisdom #1: Watch how your fella treats his mom, because that is how he will treat his wife. This is because men fall for women who are like their moms.

Folklore Wisdom #2: Women love men who are similar to their fathers.

So ladies! Has this been true for you and your marriage? Does your husband treat you as kindly/meanly as his does his mom? Is his like your dad? Or can we throw out the old folklore?

(And any men lurking in the forum, please feel free to join in!)


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

For me:#1, well, my MIL is incredibly smart (MENSA) and unbelievably beautiful. She is over 60- you'd never in a million years guess it!- and still, anywhere we go, restaurants, carnivals, farmer's markets, etc. people of all ages just come up to her to say some version of "You are a beautiful woman!" It never fails.

Yeah, so- I am within normal limits of intelligence- reasonably intelligent by not MENSA, or even close. I am "cute" enough, I guess, but I certainly do not have perfect strangers coming up to me to admire me openly for my beauty! 

My DH says the the only thing I have in common with my MIL is that we are both brunettes. He means that in a kind way, because his mom has interpersonal difficulties. She is lovely and has a huge heart, but she doesn't do well in general with people. She hasn't been able to hold down a job, for instance. Her perspective is dramatically different from most people's. She doesn't have great boundaries.

My DH has always been very respectful to her, even when he thinks she is wrong (which is most of the time.) He tells her kindly but firmly. He helps her out. 

I definitely considered how he treated his mom when we were dating. She drives him nuts, but he still loves her and treats her well.

For #2- yes, my DH is a LOT- and I mean A LOT!!!!- like my dad. My DH and I, and my mom and my sister, all joke about it. I wish my dad were still alive to see it, actually- he would get such a kick out of it, he would have the best time with my DH! 

My DH has my dad's best qualities- very loyal, family-oriented, very funny, personable, crazy sense of humor, loves TV and movies, kind. My DH has diabetes, like my Dad, but takes MUCH better care of it than my dad did. 

So for me, the folklore has proven true. We don't think it held true for my SIL or my sister though, so in my little family, we are 1-3.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RoseAglow said:


> OK, I am curious to see if the folk lore is true!
> 
> Folklore Wisdom #1: *Watch how your fella treats his mom, because that is how he will treat his wife.* This is because men fall for women who are like their moms.


 My beloved Grandmother taught me this, I was closer to her than my own Mother who made a mess out of choosing the wrong men after the divorce... I DID evaluate my husband on how he treated his mother...those things were in the back of my mind....he was a wonderful son, never gave them trouble, kind, would never sass her back... type thing...would help anytime she needed it...

I feel it is a good standard if a woman is looking for a family man....so long as he isn't a puppet "Mama's boy"...that is another situation. He was never that. 

Now the 2nd part..HA HA HA HA... I am NOTHING like his mother....she is a sweet sweet lady...really she is... but her interests, her temperament... couldn't be farther from mine... we are worlds apart. 



> Folklore Wisdom #2: *Women love men who are similar to their fathers.*


 My husband and my Father have some similarities for sure (Responsible, careful with $$, a one woman man, a do it yourself-er ...seems to share a similar humor too)....but my Father was never much of a family man...kids wasn't his thing...never played games with me, "Family vacations" - unheard of really........My husband is all that... My dad spent a good amount of his time drinking with his buddies in the garage, had a motorcycle/ did hill climbs, a bit "alpha" in comparison.....

My husbands hobbies were devoted to his family more so - over my Father.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

The only thing my husband and dad have in common is they are both very hard workers. That's it. I've posted this before but using the vernacular used here, I would describe my dad as a "nice guy" or beta. My husband has a good blend of alpha and beta qualities.

I'm nothing like my MIL. She is very passive aggressive and lies. I don't even think she knows she's lying or she starts believing her lies. I don't really blame her though. Married to my FIL no wonder she is the way she is, she has a very meek relationship with him. 

My husband does get very frustrated talking to her and I've witnessed this, but it's because she will never just straight out say what she wants. Everything is very veiled and we are supposed to figure it out. I definitely not like that, lol.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

No and No


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Not a simple yes/no.



RoseAglow said:


> Folklore Wisdom #1: Watch how your fella treats his mom, because that is how he will treat his wife. This is because men fall for women who are like their moms.!)


If he treats his mother with disrespect, he will treat other women with disrespect. That’s what he’s learned.
If he treats his mother with great love and respect, but is not a mommy’s boy he will most likely treat his wife with love and respect.

If he’s a mommy’s boy, he might treat his mother with respect or not. But she controls him because he lets her. And he’s going to put his mother ahead of his wife all the time. If this mommy’s boy had anger issues with his mother, he will bring that onto is wife.




RoseAglow said:


> Folklore Wisdom #2: Women love men who are similar to their fathers.!)


 Some do, some don’t. There are so many dynamics there that it’s not predicable.

Some just marry who they love and are not tied to this dynamic.

Some women look for a man very different than their father because they do not like him… or hate him. 

Some women look for a man who is broken in the same way that their father is: it’s comfortable , they understand that kind of ‘broken’; or they want to fix, through proxy, the problems then has with their father.

Some women marry a guy like their dad cause their dad was great and they are smart enough to do this.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> OK, I am curious to see if the folk lore is true!
> 
> Folklore Wisdom #1: Watch how your fella treats his mom, because that is how he will treat his wife. This is because men fall for women who are like their moms.


While it's great to see a son that treats his mom like gold... His wife is NOT his mom. And sometimes the relationship to his parents, mom included may have gone bad due to him growing up and having his own viewpoints.



RoseAglow said:


> Folklore Wisdom #2: Women love men who are similar to their fathers.
> 
> So ladies! Has this been true for you and your marriage? Does your husband treat you as kindly/meanly as his does his mom? Is his like your dad? Or can we throw out the old folklore?
> 
> (And any men lurking in the forum, please feel free to join in!)


Dunno on this one. Depends on the father I guess.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

My H is very good to his mom. He is also very good to me so I would say yes to #1

My H is nothing like my dad at all! Its kind of funny because my dad is a really good man and I was his favourite. My dad is very pessimistic, quick to anger, judgemental but soft hearted and was a true masculine man. H is much more upbeat, easygoing and confident.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

treyvion said:


> While it's great to see a son that treats his mom like gold... His wife is NOT his mom. And sometimes the relationship to his parents, mom included may have gone bad due to him growing up and having his own viewpoints.
> 
> 
> 
> Dunno on this one. Depends on the father I guess.


OMG! So much this!

I have seen the interaction between my husband and his mother. She often tried to smother him, tried to assert herself as number one, with me being number two. Uhhh... no. He called her on it, more often than not. And this led to a LOT of friction on MANY subjects between the two of them. So, does he treat me, or other women in that manner? No. Do we butt heads? Yes, we do. But he does NOT treat me poorly, nor does he treat me disrespectfully, even with the problems he has had with his mother. 

As for dads... I have to say, there are many traits in my husband which are very similar to my dad. So, in my case, yes, I married a man similar to my husband. However, neither of my sisters took that route. So really, it's not always the case.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

These things are not necessarily true though they sound good on paper. 

Someone may date someone who isn't anything like their father; just as someone may date someone who isn't kind to their mother, but maybe their mom was abusive to them growing up.

One size doesn't fit all.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> OK, I am curious to see if the folk lore is true!
> 
> Folklore Wisdom #1: Watch how your fella treats his mom, because that is how he will treat his wife. This is because men fall for women who are like their moms.


There are two contentions in the question.

- Point1: Watch how he treats his mom? I think watching how he treats his family is a better indicator (mom, dad, syblings).

- Point2: Men fall for women who are like their mom. No it's not that simple. I think we often fall for someone who's personality matches a family dynamic we're used to but it's not always mom. 



RoseAglow said:


> Folklore Wisdom #2: Women love men who are similar to their fathers.


Same answer as above. I don't think the generalizations are accurate. 

My wife's personality in general is more similar to my twin brother's than it is to either of my parents. My personality in general is more similar to her older sister's then it is to either of her parents.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Interesting question.

Well I'm a man, so I can't answer the question directly.

However, a few years ago it dawned on me that I married a woman just like my mother.
My mother and I were always at loggerheads during my teenage years.
I thought she was very controlling and domineering.

My wife is the same, but in a good way. She definitely controls me, but she does it in a way I approve of, and I must say I like.

However , I have always treated my mother well, we were never really close , and I always wanted that.
I now have that with my wife.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> OK, I am curious to see if the folk lore is true!
> 
> Folklore Wisdom #1: Watch how your fella treats his mom, because that is how he will treat his wife. This is because men fall for women who are like their moms.
> 
> ...


Interesting topic. I don't really like my mom as a result of her repeatedly poor choices, but I'm perfectly polite to her. I've never mistreated her. But aha... I didn't really like my ex's choices either. lol

My ex wasn't anything like my mother though. I thought that was a good thing! However, she is my "ex", so maybe my case actually supports the folklore. ha

I had very little in common with her father though, other than both being "know-it-alls" that others love to hate.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Interesting topic. I don't really like my mom as a result of her repeatedly poor choices, but I'm perfectly polite to her. I've never mistreated her. But aha... I didn't really like my ex's choices either. lol
> 
> My ex wasn't anything like my mother though. I thought that was a good thing! However, she is my "ex", so maybe my case actually supports the folklore. ha
> 
> I had very little in common with her father though, other than both being "know-it-alls" that others love to hate.


No body goes out of their way to want to essentially marry their "mother"... However if their model for a "mother" and someones "wife" was a 2 parent household and the mother was a great and loving wife... I don't think a son would be able to accept anything less if he knew this.

And vice versa on a woman.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Issues with mom will be issues with you. Hangups with women/moms will be issues with you.

I wanted the opposite of my father. Not sure if i got it, but I wanted the opposite.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I wanted the opposite of my father. Not sure if i got it, but I wanted the opposite.


I wanted the opposite of my mother and ended up with a whole opposite bag of problems. lol


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I wanted the opposite of my mother and ended up with a whole opposite bag of problems. lol


Haha.

A problem for one may not be a "problem" for another.

Many times the devil you don't know is better than the devil you do know, because perhaps their stuff has no negative effect on you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

treyvion said:


> No body goes out of their way to want to essentially marry their "mother"... However if their model for a "mother" and someones "wife" was a 2 parent household and the mother was a great and loving wife... I don't think a son would be able to accept anything less if he knew this.
> 
> And vice versa on a woman.


I grew up seeing a mother who takes good care of her man. Who works with her man, is proud of him. I saw parents who had sex several times a week, when they went on vacation, etc. One who sat on laps, butt slaps, maybe some admiring gazes. Two who generally liked to be in the same space.

That's what I grew up on. It shaped what I expect for myself.

My mother had a man before my current stepfather... When she loved him, she loved him... It got really bad for a couple of years, until the straw that broke the camels back... She went on with her life.

So I kinda expect someone who generally likes to be with me, who likes to work with me, whose going to have regular sex... I was used to getting quite a bit more sex than "average" for many many years, and I don't think it's too much to ask.

So I guess, I would say I wouldn't exactly marry my mother... But I guess my woman would be as loyal and loving as my mother or grandmother, now that I think about it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Is that really because your mother and grandmother were that way though, or simply because for the most part we all want loving loyal spouses?

I think perhaps a way to convey the folklore in a more useful way might be to say "look for a healthy relationship with his mother or family". I treat my mother well, but I wouldn't say my family life was healthy, and I'm totally averse to "family life" as a result (or so my therapist would say).

My relationship with my family was more a matter of "how far can I get this acorn to roll from this tree?"

As such, a woman who wants a traditional family life would easily know to stay the heck away from me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Is that really because your mother and grandmother were that way though, or simply because for the most part we all want loving loyal spouses?


Some people don't care... They just want a "freak between the sheets", or they want their "meal ticket", the rest of the other persons life may as well be a comedy or some life story that really makes them no difference at all.

I think most people on TAM are good long term relationship prospects who generally are with people for good reasons.

There are others who expect bad relationships to be the norm, and they work from within that expectation.



DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think perhaps a way to convey the folklore in a more useful way might be to say "look for a healthy relationship with his mother or family". I treat my mother well, but I wouldn't say my family life was healthy, and I'm totally averse to "family life" as a result (or so my therapist would say).
> 
> My relationship with my family was more a matter of "how far can I get this acorn to roll from this tree?" As such, a woman who wants a traditional family life would easily know to stay the heck away from me.


Dunno.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Issues with mom will be issues with you. Hangups with women/moms will be issues with you.


If only it were that simple then every _" nice guy "_ or 
_" mommas boy "_ would be prime candidates for a successful, long term marriage.

Sorry,
It does not work like that.

I've read of men who were terrible wife beaters who couldn't help themselves.
But they have absolutely no issues with women or their mothers.

The root of their problem was that they grew up seeing their father beat their mothers, and their mother accepted the abuse.

What they learned unconsciously was that hitting was an acceptable way of dealing with anger or stress.

Individual relationships are way more complex than what you suggest, they come with their own set of dynamics.

My wife has many of the positive aspects of my mom , but the part that's different is that she does not have the 
_" don't question me , I am in charge "_ attitude of my mom.
My wife's approach is more like _" ok , lets talk about it."_
Obviously, the dynamics of a mother - teenage son relationship would be vastly different from a wife - husband relationship, and her attitude is different.
She uses a different approach , and is able to get me to do what my mother was unable to.

P.S She and my mother are very close, even closer than her own daughter, my sister.
Guess why?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> The only thing my husband and dad have in common is they are both very hard workers. That's it. I've posted this before but using the vernacular used here, I would describe my dad as a "nice guy" or beta. My husband has a good blend of alpha and beta qualities.
> 
> I'm nothing like my MIL. She is very passive aggressive and lies. I don't even think she knows she's lying or she starts believing her lies. I don't really blame her though. Married to my FIL no wonder she is the way she is, she has a very meek relationship with him.
> 
> My husband does get very frustrated talking to her and I've witnessed this, but it's because she will never just straight out say what she wants. Everything is very veiled and we are supposed to figure it out. I definitely not like that, lol.


Do we have the same MIL? 
This describes mine to a tee, even with the FIL.

My husband does not treat me the way he treats his mom or even his dad. 
He tolerates them, that is how he deals with them. 
He has had a rather distressing relationship with his parents, to which they have re-written history to the point their truth is so convoluted, it no longer has any semblance to reality. 
It makes interacting with them painful to say the least.
I dread their visits, it's like something out of a movie, the awkwardness is off the charts, it's like a visit to Crazy Town. 

The only similarities that my husband & father have are their strong work ethic, which has been very beneficial to our relationship. 
I grew up with my parents traveling & working 14+ hours a day, they own their own business. 
So it's not an issue for me when my husband works long hours, especially when he has to leave for training or deployments. 
It is what it is, bitc*ing about it won't change a thing. 
I'm already used to the absence, my past helped shape me to become self reliant & independent.
Which is very helpful being a military spouse, I've seen many women have issues with the long hours & absences, it's not like our husbands have much choice in the matter.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

My mother was a cold distant person. She was sparse with praise, and usually indifferent to me.. You would not like to hear what I said, when she passed away....

She treated my wife poorly for 30 years.....

As she was dying I whispered in her ear that we were all there, safe and warm, and that we had a great dinner, and the girls were doing the dishes.....Go ahead and sleep, we are all OK...She stopped struggling and drifted off.....I did not feel those words, but felt it was my duty to make her last minutes as peaceful as possible

My wife is a warm loving generous woman....I am the luckiest man alive to have her in my life. I never forgave my mother for the way she treated my wife....And of course my wife has....

the woodchuck


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> Do we have the same MIL?
> This describes mine to a tee, even with the FIL.
> 
> My husband does not treat me the way he treats his mom or even his dad.
> ...


Haha, yes to all your points, especially the re-writing of history.

My MIL thinks I wear the pants in the family. (We got a laugh out of that one.) We were trying to figure out why she thinks that, (other than my FIL is very domineering), and we realized that I handle all the communication between them and our family because my husband has absolutely no patience with her. I'm the one that tells her if the kids can spend the night on a weekend or if she can come over to visit on a certain day. I don't think she realizes that I do consult with my husband first before I talk to her. 

My husband has two brothers and I have no idea how they all turned out "normal". Its like they all decided either consciously or subconsciously to be the exact opposite of their parents.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Haha, yes to all your points, especially the re-writing of history.
> 
> *My MIL thinks I wear the pants in the family. (We got a laugh out of that one.) We were trying to figure out why she thinks that, (other than my FIL is very domineering), and we realized that I handle all the communication between them and our family because my husband has absolutely no patience with her. I'm the one that tells her if the kids can spend the night on a weekend or if she can come over to visit on a certain day. I don't think she realizes that I do consult with my husband first before I talk to her. *
> 
> My husband has two brothers and I have no idea how they all turned out "normal". Its like they all decided either consciously or subconsciously to be the exact opposite of their parents.


It IS the same woman!!! 
I handle most of the communication as well & I of course consult my husband, it is after all his mother.
Besides, I would never dream of making decisions without consulting him. 
Listening to their phone calls, 98% of the time, my husband just gives monosyllabic replies to her "20 Questions."
I'm not sure if his mom even notices, she's so self absorbed, I doubt it penetrates her Denial Bubble.
And his father, OMG, it takes literally every once of self control I have not to lose my sh*t with that man every time I see him.
He's the nastiest piece of work, how she stays married to him I have no idea. 
Though to her credit, she did divorce him once, after he cheated on her, then she cheated with him on his 2nd wife, they divorced, then she remarried him.
Yeah, Google dysfunctional & you'll see a pic of my IL's. 
I could write pages about how my FIL abandoned his family, starting with leaving on a business trip to never return when my husband was 10.


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## special44 (Aug 4, 2013)

I treated my mother like the jail warden she was......I treat my wife as an equal and my most cherished possession, in that I posses her heart.....And she mine...


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