# My girlfriend went against type with me and I'm concerned



## Mark35880 (Jul 22, 2015)

Ok so here's my thing without getting too weirded out.

Met and have been with my girlfriend for a bit under a year. Got along great from the get go. She's outgoing, warm, attractive (very), easy and fun and chill to be with. So we're serious. We don't live together but the subject has been brought up.

We got out a fair bit. We've met each others friends and "the parents." I have a somewhat smaller circle than she does but cool. I don't really know how to put in exact words, but sometimes when we're with her friends I catch a kind of vibe from some guy or other that isn't comfortable. It's like I'm getting evaluated or looked down on or something.

When we talked about our lives sort of early on we of course touched on past relationships. Everything seemed cool. Next topic please and so on.

Well recently I found out that she used to date a lot and that it was all bad boy jerks. I'm just not like that at all and never have been - as a matter of fact she calls me her "great dude boyfriend" to her girlfriends. Anyway I asked her if any of her past guys are still around and she sort of casually said yeah but it's not like she hangs out with them. When I asked her if I met any of them she also said yeah that once in a while one or another may have been part of the crowd at a party or event we attended.

I'm not overly cool with that but that's not really the issue. I think I catch the weird vibe when some guy looks at me funny like he's "been there..." with my girlfriend. Anyway, not to make a huge deal here, but I've been wondering why she decided to go completely against type with me.

When I asked, she laughed and said she's all done with that and that I'm the man for her. I'm just not so sure. I guess at my gut level, I'm asking myself if it's a good idea for ME to be with some one whose history was just a lot of bad boys.

I'm not a bad boy - I know that. But I also don't want to be a (maybe) foolish guy who contemplates long term with her when others really didn't.

How should I think about all this? How would other men think or react? And to the women here, can a girl with one preference all along suddenly go for a completley different guy (me!) ?

Thanks people


----------



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

A tricky situation for sure. You have to decide if "I'm done with all that" means "those guys have no appeal for me any more" or "that's what I like but it never works out." I think you have to ask her. If it's weighing on you you need to find out which it is.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Holy crap.. 

I just pretty much been through this similar situation.. 

Without jumping the gun here, I would say don't mention moving in anymore and just keep it rolling to see what is going on..

Look I'm okay and get any woman I meet has pretty much fvcked before me.. I get it.. 

But if I am gonna be in the same room with someone she fvcked/dated.. I want to know.. I want an even playing field.. 
I don't want to feel like some d0uche is standing there knowing that I don't know that they dated or fvcked as he giggles about it with some other friends.. I don't give a sh!t that they fvcked because they are Exes and there is a reason why they are and why we are together and that is how I would explain it to this person with a wink and a smile.. 

Also what poster *I Don't know *says makes good sense.. 

For me I can sadly tell you my ExGF wasn't ready for this relationship no matter how much she said she was.. Mind you I am 48 and she was 42, both divorced with kids.. So no matter the age, that mentality never seems to go away.. 

What is happening is the honeymoon stage is going away and you're starting to notice things.. Real Life things.. It is exactly what happened to me..

All I can say is go with your gut.. 

My question I guess is how does she get around this person ? Does she act weird or try to stay away from them ?

You might just want to ask her when it's not an issue so as it not to be a big fight.. 

I would also look to see what other tendencies start to occur or keep occurring. 

Again don't just run for the hills.. But don't turn a blind eye to this sh!t either.. I did until I couldn't anymore.. It was almost 2 years for me..


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Chances are they got the good stuff and you get the pre approved limited list.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Any women who would introduce you to exes (openly or hidden) and hang out with them = DUMP HER. She absolutely does not respect you and things will end badly eventually.


----------



## confusedgirl20 (Jul 21, 2015)

Alright my 2cents. Shes stuck it out with you for almost a year...do you think she's serious? How close are you and what are the vibes you get? Do you know how long she dated the other guys? 

Here's the thing. Sadly, a lot of girls are just drawn to bad boys. Something about a man who's a jerk but can change just for you...but it never really happens. Soon enough a girl gets burned enough she realizes what she needs in life. This isnt a bad thing. Everyone has their experiences. Dating is all about getting to know what tou want, dont want, what you like and what will work for you in a relationship.

If she's changed her type thats okay. She may really be into you. Just make sure shes not using you or youre not a rebound hence what are the vibes you get about her feelings? just dont let her take you for granted...im not saying dont be a good guy, but i agree with the above comment about laying off on the moving together topic for a bit.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I would say to take it easy, and do not rush things. Keep observing. As far as you been a different type then other BF, do not be alarmed. When woman ready to get married they are looking for long term security and stability, and not short term fun. Other then that, I would not want to be in the same room with my GF and her pass BF. In my opinion, past must stay in past. I would at least ask her to give me a heads-up when her ex BF will be in the same place as you two.


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

At first blush it sounds like she's a prime candidate for having an affair.

No one changes their "type" on a whim. She made a conscious decision to go against her instinct. But what happens when you've been married for two years and some "bad boy" comes along and scratches that itch?

I would take things very slowly indeed.

The fact that she would let you be in a room with one or more of her exes or even past hookups without telling you is unsettling to me.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here's what I think.
Maybe she thought she liked bad boy jerks, and realized through the process of life that you are more her type.
Don't let your mind convince you that the reality you are seeing is not real.


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Seppuku said:


> The fact that she would let you be in a room with one or more of her exes or even past hookups without telling you is unsettling to me.


^^^^ OP listen to this advice. Mixing you in with past flames is a HUGE red flag that can not be ignored. Things will not end well for you with her if she has done this. You need to confront her on this and in a big way.

What does your gut tell you? Must be telling you something to log on and post.....

Good luck man.


----------



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

I wouldn't be ok with constantly socializing with my SO's past lovers, it's just uncomfortable. Call me jealous, call me insecure, but I just don't need it. There are just so many other damn people in the world, why do that to yourself? 

Nah, I'll pass.

The exception is his exwife. I really like her actually, but that association is strictly due to their being a child involved.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Here's an easy boundary to set and test her true motives:

"No more events, calls, texts or chats with ex-boyfriends for the next 2 years or this relationship is over"

See how she reacts. If she accepts, you're good. If not, walk away.


----------



## Anonimity (Jul 20, 2015)

Hey Brother. 

You're over thinking it. Just be who you are and make no apologies. Have fun while you're dating her or anyone and don't get hung up on NOT being a bad boy. Not giving a duece who she dated before or who they were IS! Get it?


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

The whole having you around exes thing would be a deal breaker for me. Exes are and should be exes for a reason.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

confusedgirl20 said:


> Alright my 2cents. Shes stuck it out with you for almost a year...do you think she's serious? How close are you and what are the vibes you get? Do you know how long she dated the other guys?
> 
> Here's the thing. Sadly, a lot of girls are just drawn to bad boys. Something about a man who's a jerk but can change just for you...but it never really happens. Soon enough a girl gets burned enough she realizes what she needs in life. This isnt a bad thing. Everyone has their experiences. Dating is all about getting to know what tou want, dont want, what you like and what will work for you in a relationship.
> 
> If she's changed her type thats okay. She may really be into you. Just make sure shes not using you or youre not a rebound hence what are the vibes you get about her feelings? just dont let her take you for granted...im not saying dont be a good guy, but i agree with the above comment about laying off on the moving together topic for a bit.


Not enough info to know what's going on. However, a red flag is for her to tell him that she's done with the "bad boy" dating scene for good. What does that mean though - that she wised up or is it that she's done with being the wild girl and looking to settle down? The former is healthy and indicates her developing self respect and personal growth. The latter indicates that she's had her fun and it's "out of her system" - which is good code words for not being open to exploring new things with her guy that she settled down with. 

Another red flag is her mixing with a group where one or more of the guys used to date her or hook up with her. What's the context of this one? If she's introducing him to former hookups/BFs directly and trying to get everyone to be friends - that's either a lack of respect or more likely her not thinking things thru clearly aka a lack of boundaries. However, if they were all invited to a party and one or more of her exes were at a party, but she never mixed with them or never introduced him to these guys, then that's a different story.

I hate to say it, but if you are getting quizzical looks from more than one guy, you may need to consider the possibility that your GF is being less than forthcoming to you, and that she may have been known as the "town bike". Food for thought.


----------



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Not enough info to know what's going on. *However, a red flag is for her to tell him that she's done with the "bad boy" dating scene for good. What does that mean though *- that she wised up or is it that she's done with being the wild girl and looking to settle down? The former is healthy and indicates her developing self respect and personal growth. The latter indicates that she's had her fun and it's "out of her system" - which is good code words for not being open to exploring new things with her guy that she settled down with.
> 
> I hate to say it, but if you are getting quizzical looks from more than one guy, you may need to consider the possibility that your GF is being less than forthcoming to you, and that she may have been known as the "town bike". Food for thought.


It means she has a train car load of baggage!


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Mark35880 said:


> Ok so here's my thing without getting too weirded out.
> 
> Met and have been with my girlfriend for a bit under a year. Got along great from the get go. She's outgoing, warm, attractive (very), easy and fun and chill to be with. So we're serious. We don't live together but the subject has been brought up.
> 
> ...


maybe she grew up. This could be a very good thing!


----------



## Anonimity (Jul 20, 2015)

synthetic said:


> Here's an easy boundary to set and test her true motives:
> 
> "No more events, calls, texts or chats with ex-boyfriends for the next 2 years or this relationship is over"
> 
> See how she reacts. If she accepts, you're good. If not, walk away.


^^^^^^Do NOT do this ^^^^^

Very uncool, and very needy. She needs to feel freedom or its over anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Anonimity said:


> ^^^^^^Do NOT do this ^^^^^
> 
> Very uncool, and very needy. She needs to feel freedom or its over anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Freedom?! LOL!

That's a rule I and perhaps millions of other humans are absolutely not willing to compromise on (except when children of past relationships are involved):

"No communication with ex-partners*.*"

She can have all the freedom she wants. Just not at his cost.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Freedom?! LOL!
> 
> That's a rule I and perhaps millions of other humans are absolutely not willing to compromise on (except when children of past relationships are involved):
> 
> ...


This^^^ for starters.
Sigh...
Be a good guy not a "nice guy"

Yes no yelling no emotion tell her no more hanging with exes for the both of you if she doesn't like it tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way"
And walk away.
Get a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
Good luck.


----------



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

As to what WorkingOnMe said, how is your sex life? Is anything off the table with her? 

I'm kinda in the same situation. I don't seem to be my wife's type either, IMO. However, there's really nothing she won't do with me (3rd parties excluded) that she's done before and a few things that I'm the first at. That can go a long way toward helping you feel like she's not "settling" for you from an attraction standpoint.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> As to what WorkingOnMe said, how is your sex life? Is anything off the table with her?
> 
> I'm kinda in the same situation. I don't seem to be my wife's type either, IMO. However, there's really nothing she won't do with me (3rd parties excluded) that she's done before and a few things that I'm the first at. That can go a long way toward helping you feel like she's not "settling" for you from an attraction standpoint.


It's about self respect and confidence in yourself.
You can't control her however you can control what you will or will not put up with.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Here's an easy boundary to set and test her true motives:
> 
> "No more events, calls, texts or chats with ex-boyfriends for the next 2 years or this relationship is over"
> 
> See how she reacts. If she accepts, you're good. If not, walk away.





Anonimity said:


> ^^^^^^Do NOT do this ^^^^^
> 
> Very uncool, and very needy. She needs to feel freedom or its over anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Anonimity I would like to understand why you say this.. 
Are you okay with your Significant Other staying in contact with someone from their past that they had sexual relationships with ? Would you be okay with them going out for coffee ? 

What are the limits if any for you with this ?


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think you should stay and enjoy the ride. She shouldn't be putting you in uncomfortable situations but if ex's are "hang arounds" in her social group there are times it maybe unavoidable. If makes sense, maybe have a rule that she's going to give you notice when an ex is going to be around. Then you can look him in the eye give him a smile that says "you're missing it and I'm getting it....yeah." That's also an up side to couples socializing with couples. It takes some of that possible weirdness away. Also, you're a nice guy but you're also a smart guy. Don't always be the "nice guy" in the bed room.


----------



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

tom67 said:


> It's about self respect and confidence in yourself.
> You can't control her however you can control what you will or will not put up with.


Correct. You can't make her do every thing with you she did with others, but it can be good information to have.


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

My wife had a “history” and always chose the wrong guys. She was also very unhappy with her life. She decided to change her ways and then met me.

It turns out that having a history of bad experiences with bad guys allowed her to fully appreciate what I had to offer. It’s been a great marriage and she is totally devoted to me. That’s the best scenario.

The worst scenario is that she really gets a spark with “bad guys”, has figured out that it doesn’t work out and has decided to settle for a “good guy” that doesn’t give her the “spark”.

How to tell which it is? As has been mentioned, is she into you sexually? Is anything “off the table” that was “on the table” for the bad boys? Is she constantly telling you how wonderful you are? Is she devoted to you? Does she praise you in front of others?

Ask her why she changed “her type” for you. If it’s because she realized her mistake and wanted to change, that’s good. If she was “tired of the life” and wanted to settle down, that’s bad. If she was the “town bike” does she regret it? Or does she think it was just consenting adults having a good time?

As for the hanging with ex-lovers, I don’t have a big problem with that (although it could work as constant reminders of her past). As long as she’s not paying them an undue amount of attention, making it clear that she’s yours. I would have a problem if I discovered that things that were on the table for them were off the table for me (without a really good reason).


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If your GF is still hanging around old BF with you in tow she has not really given up on the bad boys. She gets ego kibbles hanging around with them. Furthermore, I find that most girls(from my experiences) that like bad boys will always gravitate to bad boys. In short, your GF will tire of you as you are not "exciting, living on the edge bad boy". I have seen it many times. 

Don't move in. Keep the relationship light.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> maybe she grew up. This could be a very good thing!


Maybe, but the fact that she's still running in the same social circles as these exes speaks differently.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lots of good comments which I mostly agree with.

My wife definitely dated the "Bad Boys" until me. One of them was, and still is, a professional musician who is regionally successful. He had and still has a reputation of liking to bed married women. This guy has turned out to be problematic throughout our 30+ year marriage. She introduced me to him, and he was present at several social events with her crowd when we'd visit her home town. She even dragged me to a show of his when we were engaged. I was SOOO stupid back then!!!!!!

I was her first responsible, professional class boyfriend. She said something to me similar to OP's gf, she had learned better and was done with that now.

My caution from this tale is you may be the equivalent of a rebound romance. Not quite the same thing, but a similar idea. She dated a bunch of bad boy jerks, and now she experiences something very different. She may be more attracted by the new type of relationship than the specific man.

Another way to put it is she might be choosing you not so much for you but for the type of relationship you provide her. She might be selecting a type of husband and father of her children more than she is choosing a life partner.

A crass way of putting it which has been aluded to by others is "Alpha for phvcks, Beta for bucks". She explored and enjoyed her wild side, but now she is focused on settling down with a reliable safe husband.

I think I need more info, as do you, before coming to a confident judgment here. Are these exes and hook-ups part of a wide group of people she socializes with? Does she mostly not hang around with them at these social events, or does she tend to be in conversation or activities with one or more of them?

If these guys are part of her wider group of friends, they will of course be involved in social events which include the group. It is unavoidable. But she doesn't have to interact with them at those events. And, she can choose to spend more time with other groups and activities than with these groups that include her former sex partners. Maybe more time with your group of friends, or with new friends.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anonimity said:


> ^^^^^^Do NOT do this ^^^^^
> 
> Very uncool, and very needy. She needs to feel freedom or its over anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did this and am still with her 24 years later.

I'm also a damn stud. Not wanting exes in the picture at all doesn't make you uncool or needy.

Boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

We're all kind of dancing around this hot topic on the forum about whether it is ok to know about our partner's past, and whether it is cool to be around their former sex partners. I think there are several schools of thought on this, all of which are valid for the person holding that view. However, it is critically important to be with someone with a matching belief system, and to understand the pitfalls of whichever philosophy your relationship follows.

I believe it is best to know an accurate history. I don't need to know how many times she did X with Alex, or Y with Brian, or Z with Charlie. But I do need to know Alex, Brian, and Charlie are former sex partners of hers. And I need to know a basic timeline. She dated Alex for a couple of months, but Brian was a 4 year serious live in romance.

I for sure need to know when I am in the presence of a former lover of hers. It may not be possible to have advance notice that someone will be at an event, but she should tell me asap who he is. She could introduce me to Xavier, saying they used to date back in college. Or, tell me as soon as possible after she sees me in the other room chatting with this guy.

For me, this is a male ego thing. I don't want to be the one in the room who doesn't know another guy there fvcked my wife.

My personal experience is that it has been difficult to find out her past is not as she represented it. She told me some things, and I presumed it was a complete story. Now decades later I find out there is much more to the story. Looking back on some social events I recall some odd glances and comments which now become far more bothersome. I wish I'd gotten to the bottom of it back then, as I'll never get answers now. Was she the town bicycle? I hope not but I'll never know.

A lot of people these days, especially younger people, seem to feel otherwise. Maybe it is part of the "don't judge me" generation. Anyhow, if you are perfectly comfortable not knowing her history and not knowing you are in the company of her ex lovers, that's your right. But I don't think this is true given your comments.

You have the right to have the boundaries you want in a relationship. You have the right to ask her about her past (and she has the right to not tell you). You have the right to ask her to tell you asap when in the presence of a former sex partner. If she won't be openly honest with you today, it is a big red waving flag telling you she believes it is ok in a close romantic relationship to keep secrets and to deceive you.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

barbados said:


> The whole having you around exes thing would be a deal breaker for me. Exes are and should be exes for a reason.



I agree with this completely. It is the part of her still having them in her social circle, and bringing you around them that is concerning. Not having gone through a bad boy phase.

I went through a bad boy phase and it got really old, when I was sick of it I stopped dating them. I didn't keep them in my social circle or expose my normal boyfriends to them. I was married to a "good guy" for 20+ years (he cheated so ended up not being a good guy after all) and I never cheated or had an "itch" for a bad boy.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> A tricky situation for sure. You have to decide if "I'm done with all that" means "those guys have no appeal for me any more" or "that's what I like but it never works out." I think you have to ask her. If it's weighing on you you need to find out which it is.


Agreed!

She's all done with "what" exactly? Excitement? Bad Choices? what appeal did they have for her, sex appeal? So basically if she is done with sexually appealing guys, why is she with you?

No wonder you feel a little insecure about your standing with her. What is appealing to her about you and is it enough to fulfill all her relationship needs? Sex appeal is probably the most important need and if she is dismissing that about herself or you, your relationship is headed for an abrupt halt at some point in future.

Hopefully she is with you because she finds you exciting and is sexually attracted to you, not just because you can provide other things which were lacking for her with the guys she got her sexual fulfillment from.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Thor said:


> We're all kind of dancing around this hot topic on the forum about whether it is ok to know about our partner's past, and whether it is cool to be around their former sex partners. I think there are several schools of thought on this, all of which are valid for the person holding that view. However, it is critically important to be with someone with a matching belief system, and to understand the pitfalls of whichever philosophy your relationship follows.
> 
> I believe it is best to know an accurate history. I don't need to know how many times she did X with Alex, or Y with Brian, or Z with Charlie. But I do need to know Alex, Brian, and Charlie are former sex partners of hers. And I need to know a basic timeline. She dated Alex for a couple of months, but Brian was a 4 year serious live in romance.
> 
> ...


Wow I am relating to many of these post.. But Thor is hitting home for me with the ExGF.. 

Every time we spoke it was an addition to an old story. A different twist that wasn't described before.. 

First it was a guy tried to hit on me while married. Then it was him and his wife wanted a threesome.. Then later on he really got aggressive.. 

How aggressive ? REALLY aggressive.. 
It caused this man his divorce she tells me.. Just before I met her she became friends with this REALLY aggressive guy again.. Strange how a guy almost rapes you and years later your friends with him.. 

I should have caught the fvcking hint when other WOMEN were shutting her out.. 

I totally agree. Yea it might bother me another guy is at a place where me and the GF might be.. But at least she cared enough to give me the heads up before hand.. At least I'm not jerk off in the room wondering WTF is going on.. 

And as Thor says.. it is a male thing and there is nothing wrong with it.. 

Hey look I love you but this makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable.. It doesn't mean I won't knock the living sh!t out of someone the next moment.. I'm a caveman.. But it doesn't mean I'm not a sensitive caveman.. 

Thor my ExGF did something similar to me.. Went to go see a guy in a band that was her "friend" but later come to find out he was looking to date her and such.. It seems they even went on a date but when she sort of started to tell me about it, she realized after the fact how fvcked up it was and had to down play it with me because she knew I was getting angry.. I told her I was walking out the door and she made up a story that I just accepted..


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Maybe, but the fact that she's still running in the same social circles as these exes speaks differently.


Maybe but some peoples level of comfort with these things are different


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> I'm a caveman.. But it doesn't mean I'm not a sensitive caveman..


I love the sensitive caveman image!



Hardtohandle said:


> Thor my ExGF did something similar to me.. Went to go see a guy in a band that was her "friend" but later come to find out he was looking to date her and such.. It seems they even went on a date but when she sort of started to tell me about it, she realized after the fact how fvcked up it was and had to down play it with me because she knew I was getting angry.. I told her I was walking out the door and she made up a story that I just accepted..


That sucks. And the made up story sucks too. Her character is certainly revealed by her actions.

I knew of my wife's exbf but she way minimized things. Told me he was "a couple of years older", which was an intentional understatement. Much later I found out she was only 15 when she started dating him.

She and a female friend (also an ex-gf of his) arranged for him to play a show at a local college, and of course she had to bring me. It turned into the worst night of my life. She arranged for me to be a roadie!! I was backstage in the wings tuning his guitars during the show while she and her friend sat front row center giggling and looking at him with rapt attention as he sang "their songs".

He certainly had his hooks into her but I was too stupid at the time, age 20, to understand the bigger picture. This kind of thing never goes away. When he friend requested her on FB a few years ago she was immediately hooked back in. Fortunately I caught it before it progressed any further, but she fought me like crazy when I asked her to unfriend him. She still has resentments about it.

I see some similarities in OP's gf's behaviors, and certainly in your ex-gf's behavior, to my wife's. I wish I'd understood the red flags back then.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

" I guess at my gut level, I'm asking myself if it's a good idea for ME to be with some one whose history was just a lot of bad boys."

Listen to that gut feeling. Many men here, including me, wished they had done this years ago. Your body is trying to tell you something.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Mark35880 said:


> Well recently I found out that she used to date a lot and that it was all bad boy jerks.
> 
> 
> I'm just not like that at all and never have been - as a matter of fact she calls me her "great dude boyfriend" to her girlfriends.
> ...


Mark,

Your gut seems to be operating very reliably, trust it!

Its been said before, in general women need 2 things, security and interest.

You are strong on the security side "great dude boyfriend" (that's what that means)

The Bad boy jerks are strong on the interest side (but you knew that didnt you? As least in your gut.)

Interest encompasses things like being a challenge, attraction, sexual performance, etc.

Her "done with that" does not mean it is no longer pushed her interest button, it simply means she is getting older and recognizes if she wants a LTR and maybe a family she needs to settle for a less interesting but more secure male, like you (and me).
(Btw how old are the two of you? Any previous marriages or kids?)


The bad boy jerks don't stick around.

Btw some women will also calculate your doormat co-efficient, that is, how likely they think are you to stick around in the likely event you catch her cheating some day. Ahhh security!

The danger for you is that she will get you under contract (marriage), get bored and look for some side action.

Visualize yourself devastated, with children begging her to come back to the marriage.

Another BTW, your girlfriend said "not like she hangs out with them".
Well actually it is if she is in the same social circles, but what she means is she is not seeing them privately, thank goodness for small favors.

What she did not tell you is if she is in ANY private communication with any of them. Sometimes what a shady women does not say is more important that what she does!!!


A woman like this may show a great deal of interest and effort up front and make you feel like she is the women you have always been waiting for.

Enjoy the ride, but do not propose, OR MOVE IN TOGETHER, wait long enough for the relationship to chill a bit (Probably 2 years) and see if she is still putting in the effort to make the relationship good and contributing at least 40-60% consistently long term.

Otherwise you are risking your financial and emotional well being.

Btw this is about the same advice I would give to any young man who is getting serious about a woman.


Dont be a "one post wounder" we would love to hear back from you.
Take care!


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Shoto1984 said:


> Don't always be the "nice guy" in the bed room.


:iagree:

OP, you need to rock her world in the bedroom.

I've dated a few bad boys. Why? Because the sex was GREAT. Shallow, I know. 

RE: her ex BFs. I think your GF should give you a heads-up if an ex is where you two are. I'd be uncomfortable not knowing my BF's ex was in the same room. I wouldn't do anything w/the information, of course, but I would want to merely know.

It's unrealistic to think you'll never run into any of her exes again since she has the same friends. But you can draw some boundaries.

In the meantime, lay back and enjoy the ride and don't rush into anything. It could be great!


----------



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> I agree with this completely. It is the part of her still having them in her social circle, and bringing you around them that is concerning. Not having gone through a bad boy phase.
> 
> I went through a bad boy phase and it got really old, when I was sick of it I stopped dating them. I didn't keep them in my social circle or expose my normal boyfriends to them. I was married to a "good guy" for 20+ years (he cheated so ended up not being a good guy after all) and I never cheated or had an "itch" for a bad boy.


^^^ OP, right here you have a woman telling you how it works. When she's committed to you, the exes almost automatically go "poof" and disappear.

You're gut telling you it's already not healthy she's keeping them in the social circle. 

Many of us are telling you it's a red flag.

Now you have to decide what you want to do moving forward.

Personally, I would dump her as from here on out this will be a power shift project if you stay with her.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Sometimes what a shady women does not say is more important that what she does!!!


QFT.

This is how someone who considers themselves honest perpetrates lies. They figure they they have been technically honest because they did not speak untrue words. Or they know they are being dishonest but they want to be able to argue on a technicality they didn't lie.

I've learned that this is one of my wife's techniques. When she sits there with her lips pressed together, it means she is keeping something important from me. Vague statements are another technique. Terms like "a bit", "a while", "a few", "once in a while" have certain implications to the reciever but are in fact undefined. 

OP's gf saying she hasn't been "hanging with them" implies she doesn't have any interest in them nor anything but the most unintentional and passing contact. But she might be intentionally going to social gatherings where some of these guys are so that she can be near them and talk with them, and thereby keep them in her orbit.

Lies are not only false statements, lies are ommissions of important information and misrepresentations of data.

OP, and anyone in a newer relationship, should ask direct and pointed questions about anything which is important to them or when they are getting gut feelings. Explore the topic fully until you have clear and complete specific answers.


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Thor said:


> QFT.
> 
> OP, and anyone in a newer relationship, should ask direct and pointed questions about anything which is important to them or when they are getting *gun* feelings. Explore the topic fully until you have clear and complete specific answers.


I'm advocating keeping trigger locks on during these discussions.  That said, Thor is right on. Clarity is huge on any important issue. Shying away from something because it might make you or your partner uncomfortable is only going to perpetuate the problem.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Shoto1984 said:


> I advocating keeping trigger locks on during these discussions.


:surprise: I missed that on my proof read. Thanks for catching it.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here & 35 years married (first time marriage for my husband and I). Dump your girlfriend. She likes the environment with her bad boy ex's. She is keeping you around as you are safe and sound. She will bolt sometime in your relationship. Hopefully she will not bolt sometime during your marriage.

Seek a relationship with a woman who shares the same values as you. Your girlfriend likes the bad boys and you are not a bad boy. You don't share the same values. You'll be heart broken in the end.


----------

