# Looking for attention outside of marriage



## BridgetJones

My husband and I are going through MC for couple of months now. He was there with me about 3 times and finally took it somehow seriously. 
We became more polite roommates. We do argue every day– in more respectful way though. 
When I get from work, he does his stuff and I do mine. We usually spend most of the time in separate rooms, eat together, watch tv for a while. 

Anyway, even though I am trying to work on my marriage and be better wife, I did not stop looking for attention from other people. 
I do not mean cheating but meeting people who are nice to me. I look forward going to post office, going to shop and see people smiling at me. I like to see our UPS guy.

Honestly, I feel like men when they check out on girls. I do similar things. I feel so embarrassed just to write it. Why do I look at handsome men all the time? Why it makes me feel so good when they smile even though I hardly smile back since I am very shy person??? 

Each time, when I feel bad I talk to my friends or online chat with people, but not my husband. It was not like that before but with him I felt like he did not take me seriously no matter what was going on, so I stopped trying. 

Will this need for looking attention outside of marriage ever stop? Is possible to start loving my husband again if I see him more like a friend?


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## Mavash.

Unless your husband and you BOTH commit to being more than just roommates then no I don't see this stopping. It sounds like you've tried and he isn't willing to put forth the effort. That's not sustainable. 

You are on the right track with counseling but doesn't the counselor give you homework? When we hit the roommate stage of our marriage we were given assignments to spend time 'together'. We weren't allowed to live separate lives 24/7 if we wanted to fix our marriage.


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## bandit.45

What you have is not a marriage. Either work together to fix it or move on and end it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BridgetJones

Our MC said we are very different and have different values. Last time we went there, he asked for 3 things we don't want or need from our spouse. I asked him not to: criticism me all the time, call me names and help me with house chores. He told me only one - not to tell him "and this is why our marriage is not working" (when I point out something what he does) and said he will think about other 2. It has been more than a week and he said nothing. 

My H is trying to spend time with me when I can't. He asked me go to see a movie when I was completely tired and got mad at me for not feeling like it. We watch tv together. My husband is talker but for some reason we do not talk much at home. He will constantly complain about his job and all I can do is listen because it drives me crazy sometimes.


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## A Bit Much

I have one question. Why are you together? You married him for a reason. What was it?


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## Mavash.

Try turning off the tv. Hard to talk with the tv on.

Do you even want to fix this or have you given up?


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## Emerald

BridgetJones said:


> Our MC said we are very different and have different values. Last time we went there, he asked for 3 things we don't want or need from our spouse. I asked him not to: criticism me all the time, call me names and help me with house chores. He told me only one - not to tell him "and this is why our marriage is not working" (when I point out something what he does) and said he will think about other 2. It has been more than a week and he said nothing.
> 
> My H is trying to spend time with me when I can't. He asked me go to see a movie when I was completely tired and got mad at me for not feeling like it. We watch tv together. My husband is talker but for some reason we do not talk much at home. He will constantly complain about his job and all I can do is listen because it drives me crazy sometimes.


He has to "think" about stopping criticizing you all of the time & calling you names? hmmmmm

Can you provide examples of the criticisms & the names that he calls you?


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## doubletrouble

Looking outside of your marriage for attention, especially from men, is not a good road to start traveling. If you can't fix the marriage, and it does sound like you're trying to, just figure a way out of it and find someone who does fill your needs as a husband. 

Otherwise, get your attention from women, women's groups, "safe" places. And keep in mind even women's groups can be a source of threat to your marriage, with the wrong folks. 

There are wolves in sheep's clothing all over this planet. Don't succumb to them or become one yourself. Be better than that. Be stronger than that. Honor your committment to be married and stick with it. Do all you can to keeep it alive and healthy.

If you try your best and still walk away, at least you can know you tried your very best. If it works, you can be proud. If it doesn't work and you tried your best, you can still be proud.


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## paman75

I am sorry to say this, but I am a man on the other side of the coin. We have had problems that I am committed to working to fix, but my wife has decided to seek attention from men outside of the marriage and won't even give me the time of the day. I know she does it because she texts them right in front of my face and it hurts like hell. If he knows you are doing this, it can be devastating.


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## BridgetJones

Emerald said:


> He has to "think" about stopping criticizing you all of the time & calling you names? hmmmmm
> 
> Can you provide examples of the criticisms & the names that he calls you?


No. He has to think about what he needs or wants from me. What I do to him and he does not like.

And my names? Recently - idiotic idiot and acting like a b..tch which he said that he did not think that b..tch is such a bad name. Our MC told him not to use it anymore.

But in our whole relationship I was called many names... from d*ck, to f....ng cow, fu...ng this and that, stupid, retarded... It is really hard to translate it because he names me in our language, not English most of the time.

Criticism... He always tell me if I can do things this and this way. Even baking - he has no idea how to bake and decorate cakes but will tell me how to do it! It would be like me telling him how to fix his car. 

If house was cleaned, he would find his way to point out something else I did not do. It really is all about him questioning things I do and how. His daddy treated his mom same way. She was going crazy because of that. He never liked it neither. And is same way now...


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## BridgetJones

paman75 said:


> I am sorry to say this, but I am a man on the other side of the coin. We have had problems that I am committed to working to fix, but my wife has decided to seek attention from men outside of the marriage and won't even give me the time of the day. I know she does it because she texts them right in front of my face and it hurts like hell. If he knows you are doing this, it can be devastating.


I am sorry to hear this. I do not do it front of his face. I would never do that. I already feel bad for whatever I do now. I want to feel that satisfaction in my marriage but I don't know how. I am trying to be better, thank him for whatever he does for me and do things for him. But something is still missing.


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## paman75

It is admirable that you are making that effort, I am sorry for the names he calls you, you do not deserve that, and that is totally unacceptable. It is also admirable at least that you feel bad about it - my wife thinks it is totally normal and does it with impunity


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## floydthevoid

i would try to take the initiative with your husband. if you've both drawn some lines in the sand, someone has to be the person to "give in", shake off all of the baggage, and go for it. 

make dinner reservations without giving him the option to back out (make them. don't ask about them). give him incentive. sometimes, we can't be the grown-up in an issue, and need the other person to do it. this role can flip-flop. maybe this time, you gotta swallow your pride and be the grown-up.

don't chat with men online. it can get out of hand in a hurry. cancel your social media accounts. those will get out of line too. looking at attractive people is fine. appreciating the fact that they are attractive is fine. but if you feel yourself crossing the boundary of admiration to lust, then you're gonna get in trouble.


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## BridgetJones

Mavash,

I do care about my husband and our marriage. After all, I was with him since I was 17 years old. Almost half of my life investing in our life. When I think about giving up, I feel like I failure. It is not easy to let go. I was never alone or on my own, I skipped that step by getting married very young. Very young for me. I do not want to hurt him or make his life miserable. Enough of that. It was mutual for so long. But how can I turn kinda polite roommates into lovers if I see him as a friend with no same interests? He is good man but when things go wrong, he takes it on me. And it pushes me away. Two steps forward, three steps back...


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## BostonBruins32

Is this thread dead? 

I think I may be on the other side of this coin, as the husband. My wife is a SAHM (though very very recently got a part time job). Her days would consist of running errands and attending to a 2 year old who has a defiant/strong personality. In the evenings when i get home, she seems very friendly and loving to our daughter(though sometimes frustrated too), but often somewhat colder quieter to me. After our daughter goes to bed, the tv is on and the ipad is on. I keep my phone and comupter off, but dont mind watching tv with her. Sometimes I feel like she has more fun browsing facebook/pinterest etc than she does sitting and talking with me. Shes more intravert and I'm extravert, so there could be something there. 

We do things alone together, but really only when I ask or set up the plans. I've asked why that is, and shes said that shes afraid to because she feels like I might be hesitant to spend the money(maybe an insecurity because i am the sole breadwinner?). I've also noticed she has no financial concern getting lunch etc with her girlfriend or her mom(very close to her). So which is it, are you concerned about spending money or are you not? The odd part is when i do set up day trip or dinner plans, she clearly seems to have fun with me and is very eager to drop our daughter off with the sitter so we can get going on our "adventure". She even shows signs of affection (SHOCKING!). So I really have no idea how to read it.

So my point is, it sometimes feels like she has more fun on facebook, with her family, with our daughter, with her girlfriends, than she does with me (during alone time). I've gently asked about this, but she denies any truth to it. I'd say it could be resentment of her doing "all the work at home", but theres no way that arguement could be used. I take care of our daughter from the moment I walk in the door. I also often make dinner when I get home and button up misc household things. So.. maybe I hijacked this thread, but I figured I would give you the "other side" of the story and how it feels. And for what its worth, it pushes me away. I'm honestly sick of always having to initiate or set up things. I've begun to really hit the breaks and just focus on improving myself as a man, friend, and father. If she wants to be part of this process, cool, if not, cool. 

Does this shed any light?


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## MrK

In this thread so far:

14 Posts.
9 posters.
3 walk-away wives.

OP. You are gone. Not so much your choice, but your choice to seek attention outside of marriage as opposed to fixing it. I don't blame you. You aren't going back to that failure of a marriage. Sure. We'll all blame him. After-all, you are the one who came to TAM so you must be "right". Go ahead. You have my permission to seek peace outside of your marriage. Just read up on the 180 and go for it.

And the two men who discussed their WAW's. 180 time. Find a life outside of that prison sentence of a marriage and start living. Your wives are gone. Just like the OP. 

Everybody. ONE SHOT at this life. One very SHORT shot. Don;t waste it on someone who doesn't love you any more or someone who makes you feel unsafe or lonely.


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## MrK

MrK said:


> In this thread so far:
> 
> 15 Posts.
> 10 posters.
> 4 walk-away wives.



I updated those numbers since my last post.

And I go out ALL THE TIME without my wife/roommate. I am enjoying my life like I haven't in 20 years or more.


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