# Married People, is it worth it to leave my GF of 7 years for being single?



## Bounce (Sep 3, 2012)

My girlfriend, Annie and I have been together for forever basically. We both were each others first everything and we've been together through college and we are definitely on the marriage/babies path. When we got together I was an awkward chubby kid and she was kind of the same - pleasant and cute and a little curvy.

If this helps.... I'm 24/m. She is 22/f. Been dating since 2005 so 7 years.

We've been through so much together. Annie was there when my parents died and she is my best friend in the entire world. I lost my parents back to back a couple years ago and she helped me so much through coping and getting through all of that. We've gone through some deeply emotional things together to. Its kind of like the most comfortable relationship in the world. We know everything about one another and I basically know what she is going to say before she says it. I can tell what she is thinking just by looking at her and her the same with me. We've had our issues over the years but nothing too bad. No cheating or violence or anything like that.

Within the last year I've made a lot of changes to myself. I changed up my diet, hired a trainer and started going to the gym. Its changed my life. I went from being 240 lbs (I'm 6'1'') to 175 lbs and I've added a lot of muscle. I'm in very, very good shape and its like I am a different person. Its done wonders to my confidence and I've been getting hit on my unbelievably attractive girls. I'm so tempted to try what I can get being single. I've never done anything with anyone other than Annie so there is some curiosity. 

I would never cheat on Annie so its either break-up and be single or stick with her. As curious as I am to live a little and take advantage of the opportunities I have now I'm scared I'll never find anyone like her again. I was hoping to get some advice from people that are a bit older than us and have been married for a while.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I suggest you talk with her and although she may be upset... explain to her that you think its best if both of you go your seperate ways to see what's out there. Explain that you do care about her but your curious about being with other people and if neither of you take the time to explore now to see if you truly are meant for each other... then later there very well could be resentment and cheating because one or both of you might feel like you... "missed out".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Oh, boy! You'll be so disappointed if you give up the best friend and all around buddy that you have for superficial flings with all these insincere women that you've been meeting.

Yes, you'll have fun, but in a very limited way. You'll enjoy the flirting and the sex, but everything else will prove frustrating and shallow after a few weeks or months. By then, of course, you'll have given up a constant source of comfort and friendship and you'll be wondering how you could have been so stupid as to let your lady go. You will have educated yourself that no two women are alike in how they feel, act, and think, but you'll have surrendered the one that you understand and who "gets" you just as well. 

I can't recommend following Gaia's suggestion on this one, I'm afraid. Even though it sounds logical, I've been that route and I think it would cause her tremendous pain just by bringing it up. Then, if you go through it, things get worse. Later, if you decide to come back, your relationship will never be the same because she will have come to doubt herself, doubt your commitment, and may no longer be interested in you the same way. 

Best wishes.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That's true... but you know someone was going to suggest going that route kathy lol. I do agree with kathy btw but there is also that flipside that I posted. A lot of people seem to take what they have for granted and assume there might be something better. They always ask the what ifs later on and essentially feel they "missed out" because they didn't "explore". Kathy's sugesstion is imo the reality of what will happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I went from being 240 lbs (I'm 6'1'') to 175 lbs and I've added a lot of muscle. I'm in very, very good shape and its like I am a different person. Its done wonders to my confidence and I've been getting hit on my unbelievably attractive girls. I'm so tempted to try what I can get being single.


Getting hit on by women who wouldn't give you the time of day when you were heavier must certainly feel good. However, getting hit on by women who wouldn't give you the time of day before in no way means you would be able to develop the kind of wonderful relationship with any of them that you already have with a woman who was into you no matter what you looked like.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Do you feel like you're in the same "league" as her attractiveness-wise or do you feel like now you surpass her and you think you could get someone more attractive than her?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

norajane said:


> Getting hit on by women who wouldn't give you the time of day when you were heavier must certainly feel good. However, getting hit on by women who wouldn't give you the time of day before in no way means you would be able to develop the kind of wonderful relationship with any of them that you already have with a woman who was into you no matter what you looked like.


^ This is SO well said it's worth repeating! :smthumbup:


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## Bounce (Sep 3, 2012)

Gaia: I think if we stayed together there wouldn't be any cheating. I would never, ever cheat on her. And I know she feels the same way. I don't know how I would even break up with her. That idea is so terrifying. Its the last thing she would expect. Our relationship doesn't have any real issues so I feel incredibly selfish for even thinking about ending things. 

KathyBatesel: I don't know how things would be. I think I would miss her so much. We are beyond clingy to one another. Its like she is my other half truly. So the idea of starting over or starting fresh is like ths scariest thing to me. 

I'm sure the sex and hooking up itself would be fun. But the rest may not be, like you said. That is really exciting to think about though. 

NoraJane: The girls that have been hitting on me are incredibly attractive. Like absolute stunners. So its tempting. Yes, there is no way they would have hit on me before. 

What I don't know is if what me and Annie has is the norm or is it extraordinary? If I can develop this same bond with anyone than living a little might be fun. If this bond is a once in a lifetime type deal I would be a fool to give it up. 

HeartsDelight: When we first started dating she was better looking than me. Now, objectively I would say I am probably better looking. I think (as bad as it is to say) I could do better on physical looks. That isn't all that matters though. She is my best friend and my biggest supporter and we have so much history together. I wouldn't give up that all for just a better looking girl.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ask yourself a simple, but potentially very tough question, and be brutally honest:

Peel away your affection for Annie as a person. Obviously you like, and love her, as a human being in your life, and as a friend.

Now without that consideration, would you have dated Annie if you were in the body, and mindset, today, but back then?

If your immediate, gut reaction is "no", then let her go.

I've been in your shoes. I know exactly what obesity can do to your mindset, if you let it. When a person is living with poor self image, or living in awkwardness, they tend to make decisions based not off what they truly want, but only what they truly feel they can get. There can be a vast difference between the two. 

I have also made a similar transition that you have, at a similar age. It's an incredible change, and it does absolutely alter how you see yourself, and in turn how you see the world.

This is why somebody undergoes a transformation and begins acting, and dressing, and overall behaving in ways that their friends and loved ones might considering unlike them. You hear comments like "what are you wearing? that's not you!", or people think you're acting strange, odd, different, or totally unnatural to who they _think _you are. Sometimes what these people do not realize is that the person they met before wasn't the true you, but just a cobbled together, false version born out of low expectations, fear, and a constant need to settle.

Be honest with yourself, then be honest with Annie. This is the reason why huge shifts in looks, in either direction, can be so detrimental to a relationship. Sometimes people discover, after going from "not" to "hot", for lack of a better way of putting it, that they settled for things, including people, who they'd never have settled with if they'd been living their true desires, values, and ideals.

But one thing is clear, if you feel a burning desire to go, to take some spins around the block in the "new you", to explore who you really are, and you don't do it because you're scared to lose Annie, or scared to hurt her, you will likely end up traveling a road of resentment and bitterness, and this will ultimately be even more detrimental to you, Annie, and your relationship.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Bounce said:


> What I don't know is if what me and Annie has is the norm or is it extraordinary? If I can develop this same bond with anyone than living a little might be fun. If this bond is a once in a lifetime type deal I would be a fool to give it up.


Yes, it is extraordinary. It's the kind of thing people try to get their whole lives, and often fail and may never end up having it.

Don't take it for granted because some pretty girls at the gym smiled at you. You know nothing about them or how they would treat you. They certainly don't give a crap about you the way your gf does.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Bounce said:


> My girlfriend, Annie and I have been together for forever basically. We both were each others first everything and we've been together through college and we are definitely on the marriage/babies path. When we got together I was an awkward chubby kid and she was kind of the same - pleasant and cute and a little curvy.
> 
> If this helps.... I'm 24/m. She is 22/f. Been dating since 2005 so 7 years.
> 
> ...


You'll get a lot of "sympathy" and "how could you " comments on this one. At the end of the day you'll need to be married to someone you respect and trust, and who you believe is a good person. Someone with similar goals in life and religious belief. With similar beliefs about children and discipline. So don't disregard how important these qualities are but at the same time, you should be attracted to who you are with and most people get heavier with age rather than trimmer.

If she is all of that other stuff and I don't mean most of it then be careful. You do have to take physical attraction into account though. 

Because you have been able to get in shape and lose weight, don't be surprised if you have less respect for people who don't do that. To be honest I think that happens a lot. If you hold her accountable for being overweight then I think you'll be hurtful to her and start a bad cycle. Better to get away in that case.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Well don't marry her until you get this all figured out in your head. I think you BOTH need to play the field a bit before getting married.

Who knows? Maybe Annie will lose weight & get "hotter" than you someday?


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## Bounce (Sep 3, 2012)

Jaquen: That was a really challenging post. Thank You! A lot to think about. I think I'm the same person today as I was 2,3,4,5,6, or 7 years ago. And Annie knows me. Like the true me. Not the awkward version or the confident version. If anyone was settling when we got together, it wasn't me. I can't answer your question though. Annie is perfect in every way for me. Aside from the fact I could aesthetically do better. If I'm leaning one direction, its to stay with her. I think I could handle being curious but I don't think I could handle losing her. We've never had any long fights or breaks or anything like that. Its like a perfect relationship. 

Norajane: I know the girls who have hit on me don't care about me. Obviously. Its all looks. I'm spoiled because I only know this relationship. We care about one another so much. I don't have anything else to compare it with. I can't imagine things being better in terms of a connection emotionally than what we have. 

Thundarr: I've thought about asking for a "break" but I don't know if I want to taint our relationship with that. If that makes any sense. I don't want to share Annie and I wouldn't expect her to share me. I am physically attracted to Annie. Its just hard to compare someone you love and have been with for years with something new. 

Emerald: We aren't planning on getting married soon. Probably at least a couple years. You know as bad as this sounds, it would destroy me to know she was with someone else. I don't think I could handle having her play around.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Bounce - you've written a long description, and made a long reply. But no where in either of those did you mention LOVE. A lot of 1st time poster come on here because they are conflicted - they love some one, but are not sure of some warning signs or circumstances that pose a problem for a long term relationship and marriage.

You might find someone "better", you may not. And you've know her 7 years. Are you willing to invest 7 years getting to know someone else that well? 

A) Are you in love with her?
B) Are you physically attracted to her?
C) Do you dream of a life with her?

You made a lot of changes to yourself, but I am guessing she hasn't made any herself. Is she willing or has she tried? There is a lot to be said for her sticking with you even when you weren't in the best of shape. But those "hot" women are unlikely to retain their shape either and if they didn't see anything in you before, then what does that say about them?

But if you want to play the field, be honest with her and yourself.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Bounce said:


> Jaquen: That was a really challenging post. Thank You! A lot to think about. I think I'm the same person today as I was 2,3,4,5,6, or 7 years ago. And Annie knows me. Like the true me. Not the awkward version or the confident version. If anyone was settling when we got together, it wasn't me. I can't answer your question though. Annie is perfect in every way for me. Aside from the fact I could aesthetically do better. If I'm leaning one direction, its to stay with her. I think I could handle being curious but I don't think I could handle losing her. We've never had any long fights or breaks or anything like that. Its like a perfect relationship.


Then this is your answer right here. If you can say this in full confidence, and it's your truth, than you'd likely be making an awful choice leaving her because you can now "do better" in the looks department.

"Like perfect", long term relationships do not come along every day, week, month, or year. People lose those "like perfect" relationships and sometimes spend an entire LIFETIME regretting their loss.

If you are truly "in love" with Annie, and not just grateful and appreciative because she's a kick ass best friend who you love, then please don't lose this.


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## SuddenlyLost (Sep 3, 2012)

I've been married 8 years and with my husband for 10 years.... He told me last month he isn't sure he wants to be married any more. My only advice to you is this - If you go down that road make sure you are 100% sure before you do anything. She is going to be devistated and it WILL affect your relationship and not in a good way. If you don't want to loose your best friend figure out what your relationship really means to you and how important it is.

Good luck,
SuddenlyLost


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

the grass isnt always greener...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Bounce said:


> You know as bad as this sounds, it would destroy me to know she was with someone else. I don't think I could handle having her play around.


Sounds to me as though you should stay with her. I think you can only be jealous if you truly love someone.

I imagine most young men your age have cold feet when they realise the relationship they are in is probably for life. It is such a huge leap. Certainly was for me even though I knew I had met the right girl. Now married 35 years.

Dump her and you run the risk of her moving on so that you can never get her back. How would that feel, if you had thrown away the love of your life?


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence,remember that's where the septic tank is probably buried...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Tougher situation that one would realize. Being that you are not sure, try to look at that from another angle

Do you think SHE would be happy with you? If you are conflicted about your feelings or attraction to her then that's a big blow to the relationship and her self esteem. You seem to love her which means you want what ever is best for her.

An "unhappy you" is not so great for either of you. On the other hand you seem like a nice guy with character (Man) so she'd be lucky to have you if you are not conflicted.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What do you imagine she'd be doing when you took this "break"? Would you expect she would dutifully wait for you while you sowed your wild oats? She'd exist in some kind limbo while you made a choice if she was "hot" enough for you? 

How would you feel if during this time she met someone else? Would you always regret it if, in the end she chose him instead because she felt your love for her was conditional on how "hot" you felt you were? What if she decided she could do "anatomically better" (if you get my meaning)? 

You either need to choose her, or let her go -permanently-. She should not have to think for the rest of her life that she was your second (or third, or fourth) choice. 

You also need to seriously decide if months or years from now this is going to morph into another "I'm hot and my wife is fat" thread. If your feelings for her haven't changed, why did you need to mention how she looked compared to how you look now? Is this a comparison you often find yourself making? 

If you cannot decide these things on your own, consider some IC to work through these decisions.


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

I say let her go. 

If you aren't attracted to her at her prime age of 22, what do you think it will be like in another 10 years? 20 years? You'll still be getting the attention of hot younger girls, while she's probably ballooned up. Just look at the number of threads where men are complaining about their wives gaining weight. If she's already not very health conscious, chances are it's only going to get worse and you'll build resentment. You say you'll never cheat, but how many cheaters have told themselves that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Bounce said:


> Gaia: I think if we stayed together there wouldn't be any cheating. I would never, ever cheat on her. And I know she feels the same way. I don't know how I would even break up with her. That idea is so terrifying. Its the last thing she would expect. Our relationship doesn't have any real issues so I feel incredibly selfish for even thinking about ending things.
> 
> KathyBatesel: I don't know how things would be. I think I would miss her so much. We are beyond clingy to one another. Its like she is my other half truly. So the idea of starting over or starting fresh is like ths scariest thing to me.
> 
> ...


The grass is never greener where you water it what if it turns out that she is the one that got away just so you could find yourself do you know that alot folks would love to have the kind of relationship you are now considering throwing away


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

Together 7 years... you are 24... her 22. Why haven't you asked her to marry you in the past? Why did you decide to get into shape? Why didn't she decide to do it with you?


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

JustAnotherMan said:


> Together 7 years... you are 24... her 22. Why haven't you asked her to marry you in the past? Why did you decide to get into shape? Why didn't she decide to do it with you?


He is 24, together with her 7 years and has never been with anyone else. It's easy to think he'll never find better but that just isn't the case. He has plenty of time to find someone more compatible. He's never known anyone else, so he has nothing to compare to, making it easy for him to believe everything about his gf is unique and amazing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> I say let her go.
> 
> If you aren't attracted to her at her prime age of 22, what do you think it will be like in another 10 years? 20 years? You'll still be getting the attention of hot younger girls, while she's probably ballooned up. Just look at the number of threads where men are complaining about their wives gaining weight. If she's already not very health conscious, chances are it's only going to get worse and you'll build resentment. You say you'll never cheat, but how many cheaters have told themselves that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. I would be worried about that future as well.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Why are you even worried about looks? I say if you find a woman who loves you for who you are, wants to be with you, wants to have your children, cooks for you, and is home every night to bring you a beer after work and rub your shoulders, what's better than that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> The grass is never greener where you water it what if it turns out that she is the one that got away just so you could find yourself do you know that alot folks would love to have the kind of relationship you are now considering throwing away


The grass is not THAT green or he wouldn't be conflicted and there are 6 billion people on this earth. Out of that there has to be be a lot of good single men and women.


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> The grass is not THAT green or he wouldn't be conflicted and there are 6 billion people on this earth. Out of that there has to be be a lot of good single men and women.


Exactly. 

I remember when I was 21 I thought my first serious boyfriend was perfect. I was crazy in love. When we broke up I was so sure I'd never find better. I was heartbroken. It was only after dating other men that I was able to look back and see all the issues of my first relationship. With my current SO, there is just no comparison. Things are better than I could of imagined at 21. 

I think the OP has found himself in a similar predicament.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

If you have never gone through the type of transformation the OP has, especially in your teens/20's, it is VERY easy for you to brush off what a monumental effect that can have on how you see yourself, how the world around you reacts, and the temptations that throws in your path.

Imagine if you woke up looking like, say, Halle Berry, or Brad Pitt. Imagine if, prior to that, you'd been pretty awkward, out of shape, and didn't garner many signs that others were attracted to you. 

And BAM, suddenly you're getting requests and desires from all over the place. You're rediscovering who you are all over again, and on top of that suddenly the opposite sex seems to finally notice you. The choices are no longer limited.

It would be very, very easy for somebody who has never gone through this to say easily "just ignore it, and do what you've always done". And that person wouldn't have a single clue what the heck they were talking about.

This is beyond whether he stays with Annie. She could very well be the right woman for him, his soulmate, or not. None of us know that. But I do think the OP deserves a lot more understanding, and realistic advice, when facing what is a pretty major change in his life, and all the new options that come along with that.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I can see both sides of the responses. You are young and you haven't had a serious relationship with anyone else. Naturally you would be curious about what it would be like with other women. That doesn't make you a bad guy. But on the other hand, the person who has stuck with you at your worst is the one who deserves to have you at your best. 

It's not easy to find someone we connect with. While I don't believe in soul mates, I know that it's not easy to find someone who is truly compatible. I met my husband when I was just out of my teens. We've been through a lot of life changes, but I haven't regretted not dating as much. I dated enough to know what I have with my hubby is the best kind of relationship. I haven't met anyone else who brings me as joy and happiness as he does. Be sure you know the value of what you're giving up to sleep with some very hot girls. 

If you break up with Annie, break it off completely. Don't say you'll be special friends or you'll keep in touch. Don't expect her to be your default after you've sowed your wild oats. That's not a decent thing to do. I think the pain of the breakup is worse for her if you two keep in touch. If you break up do it completely so that she can grieve then find someone who will love and cherish her the way she deserves to be cared for.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

You should break up with her. If you're not attracted to her and you're only there out of "fear of the unknown" do yourself and Annie a favor and part ways. Nothing wrong with that. But let her move on with her life as well, to attract someone who will want to be with her.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Also to give you a little hope OP.

My wife and I got together pretty young. We were together for 8 years before we married. 

During that time we took 2 breaks. We were still in love, but really needed those times apart to recalibrate and grow. We were technically free to see other people if we chose to. 

Let me tell you, those breaks were the BEST things that ever happened to us. We trusted that we were bonded in an incredible way, and knew that ultimately we would get back together. And we did, both times, and neither of us ever so much as went on a single date with anybody else, even though we were free to. 

I say this just to provide you with some hope. Sometimes a break leads to breakthrough, and can lead you back to each other stronger than ever. There is no guarantee here, but it's possible.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> Yes, it is extraordinary. It's the kind of thing people try to get their whole lives, and often fail and may never end up having it.
> 
> Don't take it for granted because some pretty girls at the gym smiled at you. You know nothing about them or how they would treat you. They certainly don't give a crap about you the way your gf does.


This is making some assumptions that we don't really know. I said he doesn't know if it's extraordinary. Usually you know when it is. 

I agree he does not know about the girls paying him attention now but that's a very conservative notion for someone so young. If he were talking about their upcoming marriage many of us would be reminding him how young he is and the make sure it's the right thing.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I can see both sides of the responses. You are young and you haven't had a serious relationship with anyone else. Naturally you would be curious about what it would be like with other women. That doesn't make you a bad guy. But on the other hand, the person who has stuck with you at your worst is the one who deserves to have you at your best.
> 
> It's not easy to find someone we connect with. While I don't believe in soul mates, I know that it's not easy to find someone who is truly compatible. I met my husband when I was just out of my teens. We've been through a lot of life changes, but I haven't regretted not dating as much. I dated enough to know what I have with my hubby is the best kind of relationship. I haven't met anyone else who brings me as joy and happiness as he does. Be sure you know the value of what you're giving up to sleep with some very hot girls.
> 
> If you break up with Annie, break it off completely. Don't say you'll be special friends or you'll keep in touch. Don't expect her to be your default after you've sowed your wild oats. That's not a decent thing to do. I think the pain of the breakup is worse for her if you two keep in touch. If you break up do it completely so that she can grieve then find someone who will love and cherish her the way she deserves to be cared for.


Nicely said. I'm on the fence with this one.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Bounce, 

You asked if what you have with Annie is extraordinary. Look around you at the people you've known and answer that question.

How much drama do they go through? How much drama do you have with Annie? 

How much do they feel loved and understood by their partner after years together? How much do you and Annie feel these things? 

How much do they believe their partner's got their back? You and Annie?


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