# A Man needing Women's advice



## kilroy555 (Feb 26, 2009)

Hello to All,

I'm asking for advice in this forum because I have a feeling your comments would be a little more mature.

I have been married for 11 years and we have no children.
At first our marriage was great, but it has become like living with a roommate. To be honest, there is no sex anymore mainly due to loss of interest on my part. She does not try to arouse me and I think that she has lost all interest in sex. She could exist without ever having intercourse again. She could "care less" and she has told me so. All she needs, she says is a little kiss and hug once in awhile. I am angry at her for many reasons. Let's just say I endure criticism, nagginess, ridicule, belittling and hurtful comments about me and my older children from a previous marriage.
She can see that I have no interest in being with her and she gets more bitter. This all seems to be a vicious cycle.
There have been many, countless times that she has brought up divorce. I on the other hand have never initiated a conversation about divorce and have talked her out of filing.
I cannot see myself being with her for the rest of our lives. I love her but don't like her. The love I have is more out of pity because I feel sorry for her. I am certainly not "in love" with her anymore. I stay with her because it's the "right thing to do ". 
I have asked her to go to marriage counseling with me but she refuses, saying that "counselors are stupid and our lives are none of their business."
To be totally honest here, I have a roving eye and I have had a few affairs, although brief, in the past. This has ended over 5 years ago and I know it was very wrong. 
I have remained true to her since these indiscretions but it is getting unbearable. 
I have gone to counseling by myself but I feel like I am wasting my time staying in this marriage.
Well, what would you say based on all of this?
Thanks.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I can't give you answers friend, I can tell you that going through life miserable sure ain't livin'


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

did the affairs you had, maybe cause irrepreable damage to the relationship... Have you ever asked yourself what your part in the breakdown of the marriage is? Mind you I am only pointing this out. I am not saying you did something, anything wrong. But, you did admit to having several affairs. Could this be the reason she pulled away from you, and is so cynnical? If she does not know about these affairs, could it be that she really does, and has never let on that she knows? I don't know, I'm only throwing out ideas. 

But it always takes two to make a marriage work. So, if she refuses to seek counseling with you, and you say you don't even like her, then I don't know, that is kind of an impass. 

The only thing I can suggest is that you really talk, with love in your heart, and your eyes, and tell her that you either do , or don't want to save your marriage, and then tell her what absolutely Has to happen in order for that to occur. 

If you truly want to attend counseling with her, then tell her how important it is to you. And it never hurts for you to get individual counseling, it can be Very helpful, in helping you sort out all of your feelings on the matter. If she refuses to budge, then what can you do? At that point, you either go on like you have, and stay,,, or you leave and don't look back. At least there are no children between you two that will get hurt, that is a plus. I wish you luck... take care.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

then i think your living a lie to yourselves and eachother.
keeping a marriage based on your issues isnt a worthy cause unless you actually want to try and enjoy a happy marriage.
why live a miserable one.
but then you must enjoy the comforts of home, because you obviously havent found true love from n e of the affairs you have had or sounds like home is just the safety net that you want when the other things dont work out.
this is an easy option , but who are you fooling.
you could actually meet someone that fully wants you and vice versa.
you have a few yrs left in your life and you want the miserable option. thats an option i wouldnt take for the world. rather be on my own.


----------



## kilroy555 (Feb 26, 2009)

justean said:


> then i think your living a lie to yourselves and eachother.
> keeping a marriage based on your issues isnt a worthy cause unless you actually want to try and enjoy a happy marriage.
> why live a miserable one.
> but then you must enjoy the comforts of home, because you obviously havent found true love from n e of the affairs you have had or sounds like home is just the safety net that you want when the other things dont work out.
> ...


Thanks for your input. You brought up some good points to think about.


----------



## kilroy555 (Feb 26, 2009)

marina72 said:


> did the affairs you had, maybe cause irrepreable damage to the relationship... Have you ever asked yourself what your part in the breakdown of the marriage is? Mind you I am only pointing this out. I am not saying you did something, anything wrong. But, you did admit to having several affairs. Could this be the reason she pulled away from you, and is so cynnical? If she does not know about these affairs, could it be that she really does, and has never let on that she knows? I don't know, I'm only throwing out ideas.
> 
> But it always takes two to make a marriage work. So, if she refuses to seek counseling with you, and you say you don't even like her, then I don't know, that is kind of an impass.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking time to give your advice and thoughts. You gave me a lot think about.


----------



## kilroy555 (Feb 26, 2009)

sirch said:


> I can't give you answers friend, I can tell you that going through life miserable sure ain't livin'


It was quick and to the point! Thanks.


----------



## Guest (Mar 26, 2009)

Wow. And I'm saying this as a woman: don't waste your time. Life's too short to not be happy. Move on!


----------



## katem (Jan 9, 2009)

If you really want to give it one last shot, I would say to try and kill her with kindness. A lot of times women act emotionally removed because they are not feeling loved enough. I would honestly try to genuinely show her that you still love her and want to try to make it work. In order to do this you have to go out of your way to do something special for her that would mean a lot to her. Maybe you could plan a special date doing something she likes to do. If you are patient enough and want to make the effort, I bet things will get better for you. Then she might be more apt to wanting sex again. I have always had a higher drive than my hubby but we have talked about it and compromise. It is a give and take and sometimes it is hard to give and give before getting but if you both still love each other you will eventually receive too. Good luck


----------

