# When I finally decided to divorce my abusive husband...this happened



## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

I have been married for 8 years with a man that abused me verbally, physically, financially, emotionally. We have a 7 yo boy. Last couple of years were really hard, but I didn't have the courage to do something and change my situation. I stayed hoping he would change and it was a big mistake. He didn't change, he became worse actually. He is very jealous, controlling...I have a GPS on my mobile and also some recording device- I know for sure he has been listening to my phone conversations. Last week he went to another one of his rage and hit me, pulled my hair, slapped me and than asked me to leave his house without my son. I left and went to my mother where I decided that I cannot go on like this anymore. I contacted a lawyer and filled for divorce and a restraining order. He doesn't have a clue about it, Next week he will get the notification and the trial for the restraining order will take place. Meanwhile I found out I am pregnant in 5 weeks. I am not a human being since then: I cannot eat, sleep, I cry and cry, my hair is falling, I have absolutely 0 energy and I am terrifed by the upcoming trial. What can I do now? In my despair I even considered going back to him. But I have already filled. How am I going to get through all this pain while being pregnant? My mother is helping me and let's say financially we would make it with 2 kids, but I think this child will bond me even closed with my soon to be ex-husband. I will have to think about the fact that I will have to raise this child by myself. And also to take care of my 7 yo boy. My son needs therapy because he was exposed to all the fights and I also need therapy. What can I do now? I feel so ashamed of myself because I let this marriage continue for so long even though I saw it was not good for myself and my son. I let things get out of control and now I have to deal with the consequences. I forgot to mention I did not want this pregnancy, mt husband forced me by using all kinds of thereats , so I am where I am now and am asking you to please help me with some advise. I feel my world is crushing and I cannot see any exit from this mess. Thank you !


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am so sorry you are here. Do not return home for any reason. This man needs to be charged with assault .

From now on carry a recording device with you.
They are called VARs, voice activated recorders. You can buy them where electronic devices are sold, such as "Best Buy". Cost? About $65.

Good luck, Dear.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you are in danger go to a woman's refuge, and never ever leave your son with him alone. He must be terrified of him.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Find a battered women's shelter and get legal assistance. They deal with this stuff day in and day out all day every day and will be able to set you up with resources you need. 

Get to the women's shelter because he will find you at your mother's and he will be all sweet and apologetic and make you all the promises that you have fallen for all along and he will sweet talk you into going back ..........

.......and then he'll really let you have it for leaving and filing the restraining order on him. You may be actually harmed or even killed and he could turn his violence and abuse upon your son as well. 

You must seek shelter because now is the most volatile time and it is during the act of leaving and filing paperwork etc that abusers become the most irractic and violent.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Anna, I agree with the excellent advice already given. I intend to respond shortly. But @*EleGirl* and @*Turnera* can provide you more helpful information than me if they're here today.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, please do all you can to stay away from your husband. Follow through with the divorce and restraining order and put him in your rear view.

Never look back. Best wishes.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Anna, your immediate need is for information on how to protect your young son, your unborn baby, and yourself by staying away from your abusive STBXH. Other members have already provided helpful information and, if EleGirl and Turnera are available today, they likely will add to it. Toward that end, it likely would be helpful if you tell them which country you're in (if you feel comfortable doing so) because custody laws vary considerably.

Because the other members are addressing those immediate needs, I will focus my comments on the future risk that your two children will face if your H really does exhibit strong symptoms of a personality disorder (PD) -- as you seem to be describing. As I will explain below, there is some risk of a PD being passed on from parent to child through genetics or a bad childhood environment. The good news, I quickly note, is that most abused children do NOT develop a full-blown PD -- but their risk of developing one is greatly increased when having such a parent.

I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, verbal and physical abuse, controlling attitude, temper tantrums, and lack of impulse control -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline PD). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your STBXH has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it or another PD.



anna88 said:


> Last week he went to another one of his rage and hit me, pulled my hair, slapped me.


Anna, the repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. This is why "Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Indeed, the terms "anger," "dangerous behavior," and "unstable" appear in 4 of the 9 symptoms for BPD. See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

If your STBXH is a "BPDer" (i.e., exhibits behavior on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> I will have to raise this child by myself....


Anna, do you have reason to believe your STBXH will abandon his own children? I ask because this would be a warning sign for narcissism or sociopathy, not for BPD. Whereas narcissists and sociopaths are unable to love, BPDers are able to love very intensely, albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love. Although anything is possible, I've never heard of a BPDer abandoning his own child.



> My son needs therapy because he was exposed to all the fights.


I'm very glad to hear that you intend to get professional help for your son and yourself, Anna. If your STBXH really is a BPDer, it is unclear how high the risk is to your son and unborn child because only a few studies (all with small sample sizes) have been done. Three older studies (1985 and 1988) found that _"between 10 and 20 percent of first-degree relatives of people with BPD also have BPD...."_ See BPD Survival Guide (at p. 42). 

A more recent 2011 study, however, estimates the risk at between 28% and 37%. It therefore concludes that _"An individual with a first-degree relative showing BPD exhibited a statistically significant 3- to 4-fold increase in risk of BPD compared with an individual without a first-degree relative with BPD." _See "Comment" section of BPD Family Study. Whereas the earlier studies had been based on self-reporting by the BPDer patient being treated, this 2011 study was based on interviews of both the BPDer patients and their affected family members. 

The NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) reports a similar figure. It states "BPD is about five times more common among people who have a first-degree relative with the disorder." See NAMI on BPD. Given that the lifetime incidence is 6% for the general population, this estimate would place the risk at 30%.



> Please help me with some advice.


My advice is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and the kids will be dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your STBXH exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after being married to him for 8 years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal and physical abuse, very controlling actions, and irrational jealousy.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your STBXH's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. And it may help you minimize conflict over the next 18 years if -- as seems likely -- he seeks and obtains shared custody of your children.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _18 BPD Warning Signs_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _Maybe's Thread_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Anna.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

If your children are witness to the abuse-

You are a participant in abusing THEM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@anna88

I have some questions.....

Do you have any access to your son now that you left him at home with his father?

Have you ever called the police before this when your husband was violent with you?

Do you think that you are physically and emotionally capable of going through with this pregnancy?

Do you have a job right now?

Does your husband abuse your son in any way?


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @anna88
> 
> I have some questions.....
> 
> ...


My son is with me now at my mother's.
I haven't called the police but I have some medical reports (I went to legal medicine after some assaults).
I don't know if I can get through with this pregnancy, it's the most difficult time of my life so far. Ironically, this pregnancy has "waken me up". It made me realize that I cannot bring another child in this toxic environment. He wanted another child because he wanted to have me even more trapped in this marriage. 
I have a full-time job and it's decent paid, but I don't know if I can stay at home for 2 years to raise my child, I think I might lose the job and it's something that I like and I am passionate about.
My husband hasn't abuse my son physically, but he told him I am a bad mother and I don't love him, I guess this is emotional abuse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

anna88 said:


> My son is with me now at my mother's.
> I haven't called the police but I have some medical reports (I went to legal medicine after some assaults).
> I don't know if I can get through with this pregnancy, it's the most difficult time of my life so far. Ironically, this pregnancy has "waken me up". It made me realize that I cannot bring another child in this toxic environment. He wanted another child because he wanted to have me even more trapped in this marriage.
> I have a full-time job and it's decent paid, but I don't know if I can stay at home for 2 years to raise my child, I think I might lose the job and it's something that I like and I am passionate about.
> My husband hasn't abuse my son physically, but he told him I am a bad mother and I don't love him, I guess this is emotional abuse.


Most work places will give you some maternity leave, please don't kill the baby because of what is happening. There are good day care places.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Please stay strong and never go back, do it for your children or he will abuse them too.

It will be hard but worth it, you can do this. I don't have children form my abuser,but you do have help in your mother, which I didn't have.

Keep your focus on keeping you and your children saf.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You did the right thing leaving him and filing for divorce. He will never change. Never. It's who he is. 

In the meantime, have you looked into adoption? There are millions of couples just dying to have a baby to raise and nobody would think twice about you doing this good thing, knowing your circumstances.

Have you been to a doctor yet? You need someone helping you through this psychologically.

Also, get this book and read it asap; it will explain why you can never go back to him: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902#/


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

turnera said:


> You did the right thing leaving him and filing for divorce. He will never change. Never. It's who he is.
> 
> In the meantime, have you looked into adoption? There are millions of couples just dying to have a baby to raise and nobody would think twice about you doing this good thing, knowing your circumstances.
> 
> ...



How would this work? Could the baby be put up for adoption if she is still married or recently divorced from the biological father? I don't know what country she is in or adoption rules are different around the world. With no police record of the abuse, I would think this would be more difficult especially considering he was the person pushing for this pregnancy.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You never leave without your child. Even if you have to wait and sneak out. 

He had no right to "throw you out", let alone said the kid needed to stay.

Is the 7 y/o his child as well?

Go to the court house and file for an emergency court hearing and start up legal procedings asap for custody!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good point about the father's rights. 

I don't want to start a firestorm, but if you are in your first weeks, perhaps ending the pregnancy should be considered an option. I hate to think of another child having to grow up with that man.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Leaving without the child is what it is.

It looks really bad now. It should get better.

When my sister in law finally did get away from her husband she did it because I offered to let her and her children stay with my wife and I. She had 3 children.

Her husband had hospitalized her, but her earlier attempts to leave were thwarted by my wife's family. Religious cultists, I swear.

When I got involved I was the black sheep of my wife's family. 

But I will say that when her husband met with her with me present, he was always calm. He never hurt her when other people where there.

You will almost certainly end up sharing custody in some fashion with the father of your son. Please make sure you always have someone with you, your mother or a friend, whenever you meet with your husband. 

Be well, somehow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She said she got her son back.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

Me and my son are staying at my mother's now. I have obtained a restraining order for me and my son. He cannot come near us for the moment. But he made an appeal so in a few weeks we will be back in court. I am 7 weeks preganant and I am still thinking what to do with it. 
I keep thinking that this was the worse time to leave and I have doubts that I did the right thing by leaving now. He contacted some of my friends and told them lies about me. It is all very very hard. I am trying to focus on the positive: I have a job, a place to stay. I know it could be worse. But I cannot help also feeling guilty about it, he told my friends I am distroying our son, he was always very good about making me feel guilty.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

My biggest fear is that having another child with him will bond me even closer to him. He will have another one to influence...He has been bad talking me to our son all our marriage. This was the hardest thing to bear. He used to tell him I am a bad mother, that I don't love him, that if he were to chose he has to chose his father over me. When he returned from work the first thing he asked him was "did she hit you?" And if I didn't agree with something my son wanted, he would go cry to his dad telling him I "bit him". It sounds crazy, but it really was like this. My son is now calling me all kinds of names (*****, stupid, crazy etc) because his father has used them. I found a terapyst and will take my son to counselling. Hopefully it's not to late and he can recover from all the brain wash.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@anna88 steer the course and continue forward with the divorce. Whenever you start to feel guilty, or that you should return to him, read your first post in this thread. That will bring you back to reality. Those are the cold, hard facts. You need to stop thinking with your heart and continue to think with your head. And what your abusive husband said about you destroying your son's life could not be further from the truth. He is destroying your son's life, as well as yours. Don't ever, ever, ever, go back. His behavior will escalate, as you full well know by now. You tried that, remember? 

It'll never get better. Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience. 12 long years for me. Don't do it. Take it day by day. Thank goodness for your mother. It would be criminal for you to return because you have a young son. He, neither you deserve that kind of life. I know this may sound dramatic to some, but eventually he might kill you. There's absolutely nothing to love about this horrid abusive man. Stay strong. You're doing the right thing by staying away and not returning. One Foot In Front of the other. You're doing fine.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

In the case of my sister in law the children had seen the abuse. There was little to be said. He had hospitalized her, and she had told the police the truth at that time as well, so there was that, too. She had a broken cheek bone, and had to have oral surgery for something about her jaw and teeth.

So in their case the fact he abused her had been documented. Since my wife's family was Pentecostal and Mormon the family did not care at all. Those religions think abuse is not a reason to leave.

I think abuse is a reason to leave.

Three children did bind them together, but not enough that she should have stayed with him. When she was at your stage she stayed. But she ended up hospitalized later. That is where you will end up if you stay with him, almost certainly.

Please find it in your soul to be strong, and get divorced. You do not need this man in your life. 

Personally I think you do not need a man in your life at all, and you can stand on your own, proud and strong. Our culture makes us think we must be coupled, but it just isn't true. You don't need to start looking for a replacement husband right away. You are a wonderful human being, and you can be you, alone, and strong.

Be well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My mom never dated again after she divorced my dad when I was 12. She said why should she twist herself into a pretzel just to please some man? This way she got to do what she wanted, when she wanted. What's better than that?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

turnera said:


> My mom never dated again after she divorced my dad when I was 12. She said why should she twist herself into a pretzel just to please some man? This way she got to do what she wanted, when she wanted. What's better than that?


A good marriage is better than that. I don't feel I have to do what you describe at all.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

I don't see myself getting married again, but one can never know. It is not a priority for me now, maybe in a couple of years, I don't know. I will focus on my child now, he needs me during this difficult time for us. Why do I feel the need to go back to my husband? After all he has done? So, he will never change? Not even after this period of 6 months when he cannot see us? I would like to think this would be a lesseon for him and maybe he will realise what he has done


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Abusers never change. It's who they are.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Do document everything and be prepared to speak in a clear and organized fashion. There are men who present a serious danger to women, and women who exaggerate claims of domestic abuse and sorting it out can be difficult for a court or police officer.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

There is a great book by the world renown marriage researcher John Gottman called "When Men Batter Women". He closely followed, interviewed, and got counseling for over 200 married couples where the husband was physically and emotionally abusive. Only 1 couple went on to be abuse free AND THAT'S WITH PROFESSIONAL HELP! It was also because the husband was convinced by his abusive friends and coworkers to hit his wife to keep her in line. Not a single other abusive husband stopped abusing his wife. Even when the abusive husbands were physically incapable of hitting their wives, they still emotionally abused them. 

Your husband has no chance of ever stopping. He won't stop for you and he's not going to stop for his next victim either. He will never get better. This is who he is. You need to stay away from him. Check out the book above and also "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. He was put into a similar situation as your son. You must not go back to him for your son's sake otherwise your son will turn out just like him. It's already started with the name calling. 

Becoming a hot headed, violent man WILL ruin your son's life. He will go to jail for a felony if he assaults someone. That will forever negatively impact his employment. He will be more likely to go back to jail once he starts. He will be more likely to drown the pain of witnessing the abuse with drugs and alcohol. And when he's a little bit older, your husband will abuse him too. You need to stop this NOW!

See a counselor and decide about the pregnancy right away. If you are considering termination or decide on it, just remember, this is to SAVE YOUR LIFE! Your husband has a very high chance of killing you if you go back to him. If you do keep the pregnancy, just remember that you can get through this and that being away from your husband is the absolute best thing for your children. Going back to your husband is abusing them as well by putting them in harm's way. 

As for your friends, get copies of the medical records documenting the abuse and show them. Tell them why this is happening. CONFRONT his lies! He only wins them over if you let him by staying silent. They are not mind readers. They cannot help you if you hide behind his lies. You have to tell the truth to get their support.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There is no evidence to suggest an abusive husband will ever reform. Your husband will abuse you again if you return to him at any time, even years from now.

Sorry it's that way, but it is.

You are a wonderful person. Please care for yourself. Stay safe. Stay away from the man who hurt you.


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