# What am I doing wrong???



## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Good afternoon everybody, 
I’ll try to make this a short read. I’m 32 married for 8 years with 4 kids. I’m an officer in the military and I have a business that I’m building in preparation for retirement. My wife has been a stay at home mom for those 8 years, doesn’t want or need for anything. My wife constantly criticizes me about random things, not being there for her emotionally at times, not helping around the house as much as I should, being a more involved dad, and everything else under the sun. At first I thought well she’s identifying issues that I can fix or get better, but now I’m starting to see it as being manipulative. I take a lot off of her plate, I cook most of the dinners and lunch/breakfast when able. Pick up after everybody when I feel like it, I’ll pitch in around the house when I see she’s overwhelmed. But it seems like my wife wants to receive 100% of what she’s asking of me and i don’t think it’s realistic…I’d like to get back rubs every night but I know it’s unrealistic. But I’m starting to resent her, she seems ungrateful and very critical of everything I do. Im not the perfect husband, However I feel like I strongly hold up my end of the bargain in comparison. alot of criticisms I have of my wife I sometimes keep to myself because everything isn’t worth an argument, my wife is human and that’s ok, but everything, every flaw, every misstep is criticized by my wife. I sometimes come home from work to her attitude, she takes it out on everybody and later apologizes, although greatful for the apology, my peace is taken from me at that point. Mostly it’s the kids and understand how mind numbing that can be, 2 of my kids are in school and 2 are under 5 so she’s home with 2 kids all day. In those 8 years she hasn’t accomplished anything, I try to encourage her, like hey school is an option, if you want to start a business I’ll be your first investor, self improvement classes I’ll pay for, I don’t care if she wants to join a bike club or running club I’m all for it, I just want her to live and take advantage of what I’ve provided for her. She has no drive, direction or ambition that she’s expressed. It’s Even to the point of considering childcare for my 2 boys so she can go experience life. But now it’s a sense of entitlement that drives her imo. Am I tripping or what??? I love my wife and want this to last but man I’d much rather be alone and at peace, then having to deal the emotional roller coaster of a woman. But like I said I’m not perfect, but bottom line I’m loyal, I don’t abuse her, and I don’t discount or discredit her. Her criticisms of me are very minimal from my POV. But the goal post keeps moving further and further away.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If she were to describe the situation, what would she say? I don’t have children yet, but a few of my friends that gave up their careers to be SAHM’s seem to be a bit resentful of their husbands, even though it was their choice to stay home. It could be that she’s a bit bored or even depressed but no excuse to treat you poorly. But, I’m curious what her side may look like - if she feels pressure to uphold a certain image. I don’t know. 

I think you could benefit from counseling to have an objective third party hear your side and hers. Would you be open to that idea?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She needs a job. Not a hobby that you pay for (and can take away from her), an actual job. 

She seems to be being unreasonable, but years of being used and unappreciated and treated like an appliance with no brain wears on women. Rinsing the skid marks out of some guys underpants in exchange for room and board makes some women miserable. She sounds miserable. She needs something for herself so she can feel like a whole person instead of someone’s assistant and housekeeper. I would love to believe that if you approached and asked her what she thinks about developing some independence, she would be relieved and jump at the chance to better herself. 

Now if she doesn’t want a job and wants you to do everything around the house while she does nothing AND have you continue to pay her bills, all while she’s a crabby shrew, then start talking divorce.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I kind of agree with that, too ^
But you saying “what I have provided for her” sounds like a parent/child relationship. I’m sure you don’t intend that but it’s just something that I think she may feel, and it might cause her to feel purposeless, even though she has a great life with you and your family. I think a part time job that she searches out for herself, something where she’s not solely relying on you, may boost her esteem and pull ya’ll out of this fog. Counseling could possibly get to the heart of things objectively.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Since she doesn’t see what I go through at work, she views the situation as I’m being selective when I want to help and not emotional when needed. I have my flaws this is why I stated I’m not perfect. But we’ve done counseling in the past, she thinks she’s the victim of everything. I can see her being resentful of her position but I always offer at every opportunity to push her to do things for herself, nothings holding her back but her.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She needs a job. Not a hobby that you pay for (and can take away from her), an actual job.
> 
> She seems to be being unreasonable, but years of being used and unappreciated and treated like an appliance with no brain wears on women. Rinsing the skid marks out of some guys underpants in exchange for room and board makes some women miserable. She sounds miserable. She needs something for herself so she can feel like a whole person instead of someone’s assistant and housekeeper. I would love to believe that if you approached and asked her what she thinks about developing some independence, she would be relieved and jump at the chance to better herself.
> 
> Now if she doesn’t want a job and wants you to do everything around the house while she does nothing AND have you continue to pay her bills, all while she’s a crabby shrew, then start talking divorce.


that’s the thing I have, she shows little interest in experiencing anything, she talks about finding her passion but as adults we can be realistic and understanding to find it we have to put ourselves out there and experience different things. And I can understand it may be miserable at times not taking that away from her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

So has she talked about getting a job?


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I kind of agree with that, too ^
> But you saying “what I have provided for her” sounds like a parent/child relationship. I’m sure you don’t intend that but it’s just something that I think she may feel, and it might cause her to feel purposeless, even though she has a great life with you and your family. I think a part time job that she searches out for herself, something where she’s not solely relying on you, may boost her esteem and pull ya’ll out of this fog. Counseling could possibly get to the heart of things objectively.


It’s not a parent/child relationship slogan it’s just give and take, she provides me a lifestyle where I know my kids are in great hands, I know I can count on her to get my uniforms ready and do other things to make my life easier just like I do for her. So it goes both ways we provide each other with certain benefits in order to tackle our daily lives effectively if that makes sense.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So has she talked about getting a job?


No ma’am not on her radar, she has talked about starting a business and I ask every so often about business plans or pitching ideas, but seems like she wants me to stay out of it and I’m cool with that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alpha1066 said:


> she provides me a lifestyle where I know my kids are in great hands, I know I can count on her to get my uniforms ready and do other things to make my life easier *just like I do for her*


What are the things you do for her? She's your nanny and housekeeper, what are you doing to make her life easier? I'm not being snarky, I'm honestly asking. Maybe if you list out the things you do for her it will make you feel less to blame for this.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alpha1066 said:


> No ma’am not on her radar, she has talked about starting a business and I ask every so often about business plans or pitching ideas, but seems like she wants me to stay out of it and I’m cool with that.


I can tell you that the greatest thing I ever did for my own self-esteem and sense of worth was support myself. When you know you can survive on your own, you know your worth, you're less likely to feel trapped because you know you can get out if you need to... it's interesting, I'd like to know why she isn't thinking in that direction. "Starting a business" seems a little ambitious for someone who has never had a job, she should probably start in retail or something. Just have external, individualized value beyond diapers and laundry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's very hard to think of her working when there are 2 small children still at home all day. Often the childcare costs more than the job pays. 
However please tell her how very unhappy her nagging is making you and that you can't take it much longer. Maybe some good MC will help.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I think you should have her get a job.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's very hard to think of her working when there are 2 small children still at home all day. Often the childcare costs more than the job pays.
> However please tell her how very unhappy her nagging is making you and that you can't take it much longer. Maybe some good MC will help.


Respectfully, not every marital problem is solely on the wife to fix. "Submit harder" isn't a solution for every person. It's not about the money, it's about a sense of worth in the world, a sense of independence, an idea of her own strength. Your journey in life allowed you to find that strength in yourself and so you know it's there even if you're not using it. She may not even know she HAS any value as a person.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Respectfully, not every marital problem is solely on the wife to fix. "Submit harder" isn't a solution for every person. It's not about the money, it's about a sense of worth in the world, a sense of independence, an idea of her own strength. Your journey in life allowed you to find that strength in yourself and so you know it's there even if you're not using it. She may not even know she HAS any value as a person.


I would love it if all sahm's could find their worth in the very important job they do.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Alpha1066 said:


> It’s not a parent/child relationship slogan it’s just give and take, she provides me a lifestyle where I know my kids are in great hands, I know I can count on her to get my uniforms ready and do other things to make my life easier just like I do for her. So it goes both ways we provide each other with certain benefits in order to tackle our daily lives effectively if that makes sense.


I think sometimes what may sound great in the beginning might not be so great when it’s a day in day out thing, but that’s life. Life can’t always be fun - there’s a certain amount of repetitiveness in the mundane stuff. But ...marriage is also about flexibility and being able to say this isn’t what we thought, let’s change some things. You both should be able to have that type of conversation, and it may be a series of ongoing conversations. That’s marriage. I’ve been learning that, anyway.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I would love it if all sahm's could find their worth in the very important job they do.


It would help were it not for things like this:


Alpha1066 said:


> My wife has been a stay at home mom for those 8 years, doesn’t want or need for anything... In those 8 years she hasn’t accomplished anything,


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It's very hard to think of her working when there are 2 small children still at home all day. Often the childcare costs more than the job pays.
> However please tell her how very unhappy her nagging is making you and that you can't take it much longer. Maybe some good MC will help.


I think that’s there’s value in her working even though it maybe won’t cover the cost of childcare, she gets to be around adults and progress towards her goals, I just don’t think she’s there yet mentally.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It would help were it not for things like this:





TexasMom1216 said:


> It would help were it not for things like this:


I think your taking this out of context, I’m talking about accomplishments personally, her life’s goal wasn’t to be a sahm, but she hasn’t made steps to progressing personally wether it be a hobby or profession…and I think that’s unhealthy. She has had free time, but has nothing to show for it. She’s not a victim.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I think sometimes what may sound great in the beginning might not be so great when it’s a day in day out thing, but that’s life. Life can’t always be fun - there’s a certain amount of repetitiveness in the mundane stuff. But ...marriage is also about flexibility and being able to say this isn’t what we thought, let’s change some things. You both should be able to have that type of conversation, and it may be a series of ongoing conversations. That’s marriage. I’ve been learning that, anyway.


Absolutely agree, my issue is maybe I try to push her to do things, and it turns her off. We’ve had conversations about her working or doing something outside of the kids and always goes left, she would assume I think she’s not doing a good job at home, but I just want to see her win honestly. I feel guilty to a point that she fell into this hole, and I do what I can do encourage her to do other things.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can tell you that the greatest thing I ever did for my own self-esteem and sense of worth was support myself. When you know you can survive on your own, you know your worth, you're less likely to feel trapped because you know you can get out if you need to... it's interesting, I'd like to know why she isn't thinking in that direction. "Starting a business" seems a little ambitious for someone who has never had a job, she should probably start in retail or something. Just have external, individualized value beyond diapers and laundry.


She’s a veteran, she got out about 10 years ago. So she’s familiar with hard work. But I agree, maybe a sense of independence would boost her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I agree it's unhealthy. She's what, halfway through her life with nothing to show for it? No wonder she's miserable, and now she's wasted 8 years on "nothing," I can't imagine what she'd face if she tried something and failed. She's been out of work for too long to start at the top, she's going to have to start small and it won't be enough money to earn your respect. It has to be scary for her. It's not easy to be a working mother, that first step likely has her spooked. There's no net, she's going to have to be really brave. Does she have any family or friends to support her?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

What are the things you do for her? She's your nanny and housekeeper, what are you doing to make her life easier? I'm not being snarky, I'm honestly asking. Maybe if you list out the things you do for her it will make you feel less to blame for this.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> What are the things you do for her? She's your nanny and housekeeper, what are you doing to make her life easier? I'm not being snarky, I'm honestly asking. Maybe if you list out the things you do for her it will make you feel less to blame for this.


I pay all the bills, cover all expenses leisure and personal, health care/dental…clothes, shoes, and a supportive husband…so am I her slave in comparison because I pay her way through life? You say nanny and housekeeper like that’s my ideology behind what a wife is…but please let me know what else I can do to lighten the load? Like I said I do help around the house, I cook most of the meals in our home, I pick up after myself and the kids…does she help me at work? With co-workers and subordinates? Help me prepare my briefs…get the cars fixed, take the trash out, yard work…the entitlement of you guys drives me insane.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I agree it's unhealthy. She's what, halfway through her life with nothing to show for it? No wonder she's miserable, and now she's wasted 8 years on "nothing," I can't imagine what she'd face if she tried something and failed. She's been out of work for too long to start at the top, she's going to have to start small and it won't be enough money to earn your respect. It has to be scary for her. It's not easy to be a working mother, that first step likely has her spooked. There's no net, she's going to have to be really brave. Does she have any family or friends to support her?


It has nothing to do with earning my respect, it’s all about her finding her identity and purpose outside of our home. How is it no better if I cover all things financially?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

OK, you're super defensive about this. 

So you support her financially, you "pay her way through life." Your job, while difficult, isn't 24/7. Her job is 24/7. I realize you don't see it as a job, but that's too big to address here. I don't really think it's about you not doing enough. I think neither of you respect her life choices, and you're both frustrated. She feels inadequate and you feel taken advantage of by someone you view as lazy. 

Honestly, she needs a job. You've been encouraging her to get one, but she's not doing it. I'm going to stick with therapy. Someone on the outside, with nothing invested in your relationship, to say, "So he told you to get a job and you're still not doing it?" She needs someone to kind of wake her up to the amount of agency she has here. I'm sure she's hesitant because she can't make enough to cover child care and she knows that's not good enough. It will be a very rough few years for her, she's going to be tired and alone and you're going to be really mad at her for not keeping the house clean and your uniforms pressed. But if she wants a better life, she has to stop doing what she's doing now, because what she's doing now is going to cost her her marriage. You're not going to stick around with someone you see as a burden who is ALSO "entitled" and rude.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I don't understand what you mean here? You're going to have to cover things financially, she won't be financially independent the first day.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> OK, you're super defensive about this.
> 
> So you support her financially, you "pay her way through life." Your job, while difficult, isn't 24/7. Her job is 24/7. I realize you don't see it as a job, but that's too big to address here. I don't really think it's about you not doing enough. I think neither of you respect her life choices, and you're both frustrated. She feels inadequate and you feel taken advantage of by someone you view as lazy.
> 
> Honestly, she needs a job. You've been encouraging her to get one, but she's not doing it. I'm going to stick with therapy. Someone on the outside, with nothing invested in your relationship, to say, "So he told you to get a job and you're still not doing it?" She needs someone to kind of wake her up to the amount of agency she has here. I'm sure she's hesitant because she can't make enough to cover child care and she knows that's not good enough. It will be a very rough few years for her, she's going to be tired and alone and you're going to be really mad at her for not keeping the house clean and your uniforms pressed. But if she wants a better life, she has to stop doing what she's doing now, because what she's doing now is going to cost her her marriage. You're not going to stick around with someone you see as a burden who is ALSO "entitled" and rude.


Well it’s kind of dismissive when you ask me how I make her life easier…like I said i just want to see her win and I agree she needs a paradigm shift sooner then later, but I’ll definitely seek counseling.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't understand what you mean here? You're going to have to cover things financially, she won't be financially independent the first day.


You were saying she wouldn’t have a safety net, but if I’m covering all expenses that is the ultimate safety net in case of failure.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Alpha1066 said:


> Absolutely agree, my issue is maybe I try to push her to do things, and it turns her off. We’ve had conversations about her working or doing something outside of the kids and always goes left, she would assume I think she’s not doing a good job at home, but I just want to see her win honestly. I feel guilty to a point that she fell into this hole, and I do what I can do encourage her to do other things.


That’s probably part of it, that if it “comes” from you, as your idea, it may seem condescending. Part of it too may be that you’re just very different people - being in the military is different than everyday life, making your own schedule, being home with children all day etc... Imagine if you could swap roles for a week, you’d gain appreciation for each other’s struggles. Lol But life doesn’t work that way.

For now though, maybe you should plan a few days to get away with her without the kids. It might help you reconnect and don’t talk about any of this stuff. It might help.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Alpha1066 said:


> You were saying she wouldn’t have a safety net, but if I’m covering all expenses that is the ultimate safety net in case of failure.


Lol - “winning” “failure” I think that it’s interesting how you see things, not bad, just different to me.

I know that military training is pretty grueling and I think from the last few posts, it could be that if she was once a soldier herself (didn’t see your post on that until after my post above) staying at home has her a bit lost and perhaps resentful? I hope you both can work things out, maybe give counseling a go again. You both need an objective person to help you communicate all of these issues. I think there’s hope.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way at all. I thought listing out all the things you do for her might make you see how much you're doing, but it went another way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I was thinking more an emotional safety net.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I wonder why people keep saying she won’t be able to get a job to cover daycare??? She retired from the military so she must have some marketable skills. 🧐 Just an observation…

I have not been in the military but I have been a stay at home mom the last 12 years and worked full time in a professional setting before that. Some of her resentment may come from the fact that you can choose to “help” when you want and not when you don’t. For her, she cannot choose to not change a diaper or choose not to take the child to the dentist etc etc etc. Not saying you’re not being fair but when one has a choice to “help” and the other doesn’t , it can cause friction. What I see is two people falling in to “keeping score”. One person says, I do this that and that and that and you only do X. Keeping score does no good. She needs to realize that the two of you work together for the good of the family and the good of each of you. 
Maybe return to counseling, go ahead and put the youngest 2 in daycare to see how that goes. Maybe talk to your wife about life goals. Where would she like to be in 5 years? Where would she like the two of you to be in 5 years. I have a couple friends that were in same profession as me and they kept working during kids or they were older than me and kids were nearly out of house and they have had success using a “career coach” and the other was a “life coach”. Maybe you and your wife could research someone like that to help her and keep her accountable in whatever she decides she wants to do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“No more mr nice guy”
It’s a book you should read. 
If your wife is unhappy and lost respect and love for you, better to get a handle on the problem now than later.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe she doesn’t really want to have to earn money?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Alpha1066 said:


> My wife constantly criticizes me about random things, not being there for her emotionally at times, not helping around the house as much as I should, being a more involved dad, and everything else under the sun.
> 
> I take a lot off of her plate, I cook most of the dinners and lunch/breakfast when able. Pick up after everybody *when I feel like it*, I’ll pitch in around the house *when I see she’s overwhelmed*.


Can you really not see the problem here? You do certain things "when you feel like it"? You pitch in _after _she is already overwhelmed? And she's supposed to be thankful for that?


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way at all. I thought listing out all the things you do for her might make you see how much you're doing, but it went another way.


Now worries that’s the issue with “text” things can be interpreted the wrong way.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Can you really not see the problem here? You do certain things "when you feel like it"? You pitch in _after _she is already overwhelmed? And she's supposed to be thankful for that?


Pretty one sided, but I’ll buy it. So what’s your take on how I should integrate In household responsibilities?


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> “No more mr nice guy”
> It’s a book you should read.
> If your wife is unhappy and lost respect and love for you, better to get a handle on the problem now than later.


I’ll give it a shot, thanks!


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Maybe she doesn’t really want to have to earn money?


I’m ok with that, the goal is for her to be fulfilled, whatever that means to her. I don’t have the luxury to just decide I don’t want to work…but she has the opportunity and autonomy to walk her path because I work. I don’t force her to stay home for the kids it’s her choice which I supported to a fault I guess.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> I wonder why people keep saying she won’t be able to get a job to cover daycare??? She retired from the military so she must have some marketable skills. 🧐 Just an observation…
> 
> I have not been in the military but I have been a stay at home mom the last 12 years and worked full time in a professional setting before that. Some of her resentment may come from the fact that you can choose to “help” when you want and not when you don’t. For her, she cannot choose to not change a diaper or choose not to take the child to the dentist etc etc etc. Not saying you’re not being fair but when one has a choice to “help” and the other doesn’t , it can cause friction. What I see is two people falling in to “keeping score”. One person says, I do this that and that and that and you only do X. Keeping score does no good. She needs to realize that the two of you work together for the good of the family and the good of each of you.
> Maybe return to counseling, go ahead and put the youngest 2 in daycare to see how that goes. Maybe talk to your wife about life goals. Where would she like to be in 5 years? Where would she like the two of you to be in 5 years. I have a couple friends that were in same profession as me and they kept working during kids or they were older than me and kids were nearly out of house and they have had success using a “career coach” and the other was a “life coach”. Maybe you and your wife could research someone like that to help her and keep her accountable in whatever she decides she wants to do.


I get what your saying about keeping score, my thing is I feel like I do enough around the house, she doesn’t haveto worry about making meals that’s all me, I pick up after the kids and us when I’m home. So I should work with no assistance from anyone, wether I’m sick, in a bad mood, depressed, whatever…come home from work and deep dive into laundry, sweeping, mopping, etc??? If I have to do that on top of what I already do around the house, the yard, what’s the point in being married?


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I was thinking more an emotional safety net.


Got it…one of my many flaws, didn’t recognize the reference to her emotions. 


*Deidre* said:


> Lol - “winning” “failure” I think that it’s interesting how you see things, not bad, just different to me.
> 
> I know that military training is pretty grueling and I think from the last few posts, it could be that if she was once a soldier herself (didn’t see your post on that until after my post above) staying at home has her a bit lost and perhaps resentful? I hope you both can work things out, maybe give counseling a go again. You both need an objective person to help you communicate all of these issues. I think there’s hope.


What’s interesting about how I see things just curious? Is my ideology off or what…here to learn I’m not perfect. But yes I agree, I hate counseling but I’ll try.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Alpha, what she's doing feels like manipulation because it is manipulation. A lot of women do that, they try to mess with you and if you let them it makes them feel anxious, unsafe, overwhelmed, depressed, all the feelings your wife is exhibiting. 

If you want to make her feel better the next time you come home and she starts with the attitude instead of running to do a load of laundry, take her away from the kids and explain that you love her dearly but you're not her stress squeeze ball and you're not going to put up with her attitude anymore. 

You don't even have to be mean about it. The nicer and less angry you are the better. I took one woman I dated on a romantic weekend trip one time, showed her an awesome time just to explain very nicely at our last dinner that this is what she'd be losing if she didn't knock her nonsense off.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Please don't say this to her. Unless you want her to feel like her only value to you is as a housekeeper/nanny. I hear you, if you have to do everything then why are there two of you, but the way you worded that will NOT sound the same to a woman's ears. Just a tip. 😉


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Please don't say this to her. Unless you want her to feel like her only value to you is as a housekeeper/nanny. I hear you, if you have to do everything then why are there two of you, but the way you worded that will NOT sound the same to a woman's ears. Just a tip. 😉


Ma’am you understood exactly what I said but I have to caution my words because I’m talking to a woman? If your husband does something egregious for example and you correct it, are you blunt and straight forward or do you tailor your words? No offense, the slogan housekeeper/nanny keeps coming up in the forum completely alienating the duty and responsibility of making a home and raising children and I think that’s done purposely to shame others, like…this is what your asking your wife to do…Be YOUR housekeeper and nanny. No I’m depending on my wife to make a home, raise our children thats it. We can spin it the other way also, she’s my pimp and I’m the prostitute, I work all day everyday and bring the money home to her to do with it as she sees fit…probably a bad example but I hope you get the reference. It alienates the duty and responsibility of providing and protection. If I’m off par with this let me know, here to learn and vent. But I appreciate the dialogue and perspective .


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

gaius said:


> Alpha, what she's doing feels like manipulation because it is manipulation. A lot of women do that, they try to mess with you and if you let them it makes them feel anxious, unsafe, overwhelmed, depressed, all the feelings your wife is exhibiting.
> 
> If you want to make her feel better the next time you come home and she starts with the attitude instead of running to do a load of laundry, take her away from the kids and explain that you love her dearly but you're not her stress squeeze ball and you're not going to put up with her attitude anymore.
> 
> You don't even have to be mean about it. The nicer and less angry you are the better. I took one woman I dated on a romantic weekend trip one time, showed her an awesome time just to explain very nicely at our last dinner that this is what she'd be losing if she didn't knock her nonsense off.


I though I was crazy brother, like I’ve said I can’t stress it enough I have my faults, but getting down to the nitty gritty on duty and responsibility, we both have to hold up our end that’s all I’m getting at. If she doesn’t want to be a sahm anymore we can work towards something else. But appreciate the feedback and I’ll give it a shot.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Well, I actually do tailor my words when I talk to my husband, but the way you put this makes me want to pull up my big girl panties and deal instead of being a sensitive flower that gets her feelings hurt. 😉 I can tell you're a soldier from here, makes me straighten my posture. 😁 Your wife is probably tougher than me and can handle direct talk, so I'm going to be more like her instead of telling you to treat her like she's some shrinking violet. You're completely right, there's no reason for me to be so sensitive, I'm stronger than that and so is she. Point taken, you are correct. Sir. 😊


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Well, I actually do tailor my words when I talk to my husband, but the way you put this makes me want to pull up my big girl panties and deal instead of being a sensitive flower that gets her feelings hurt. 😉 I can tell you're a soldier from here, makes me straighten my posture. 😁 Your wife is probably tougher than me and can handle direct talk, so I'm going to be more like her instead of telling you to treat her like she's some shrinking violet. You're completely right, there's no reason for me to be so sensitive, I'm stronger than that and so is she. Point taken, you are correct. Sir. 😊


No ma’am your doing it right if it works for you guys. I definitely don’t want to hurt anybodies feelings but I found that being clear and concise with people quickly gets the point across so there’s no ambiguity. Please don’t go yell at your husband 😂


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Got a little too personal here. Removing as a threadjack.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Alpha1066 said:


> Pretty one sided, but I’ll buy it. So what’s your take on how I should integrate In household responsibilities?


My opinion, as someone who has a SAHM for a wife, is that your wife should be taking care of the children and the house _while you are at work_. Sometimes the children will not allow for much to be done around the house, it happens. When you are at home, the duties should be shared. That doesn't mean helping her after she is overwhelmed. Sometimes it happens of course but you should be helping out before she gets to the point of being overwhelmed. It also doesn't mean picking things up "when you feel like it". It means picking things up regardless of whether you feel like it or not. SAHM's do not have the option to just not do their job, call in sick, etc. Their jobs are 24/7.

Also, saying she hasn't accomplished anything in 8 years sounds pretty ****ty. How about raising 4 children? Is that not an accomplishment? One that doesn't leave much time or energy for other accomplishments?

Now, do I think all of the issues are caused by and on you? No, I don't.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> My opinion, as someone who has a SAHM for a wife, is that your wife should be taking care of the children and the house _while you are at work_. Sometimes the children will not allow for much to be done around the house, it happens. When you are at home, the duties should be shared. That doesn't mean helping her after she is overwhelmed. Sometimes it happens of course but you should be helping out before she gets to the point of being overwhelmed. It also doesn't mean picking things up "when you feel like it". It means picking things up regardless of whether you feel like it or not. SAHM's do not have the option to just not do their job, call in sick, etc. Their jobs are 24/7.
> 
> Also, saying she hasn't accomplished anything in 8 years sounds pretty ****ty. How about raising 4 children? Is that not an accomplishment? One that doesn't leave much time or energy for other accomplishments?
> 
> Now, do I think all of the issues are caused by and on you? No, I don't.


Ok that’s fair. So at least in my household, we’re talking about laundry, picking up after kids, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, bedrooms etc. if I do all yard work, cook all meals, take the kids out for leisure and occasionally do everything else “when I feel like it”, I think that’s pretty shared. With that ideology the financial burden should be shared, or cutting the grass and hedging, cooking meals. We have 2 kids that are in school, 1 is breastfeeding (can’t do anything about that), the other is pretty autonomous…but it’s a lot, it’s mind numbing and I get it 100%. I’m not interested in over compensating, my effort should be reciprocated . I’ve offered to put my 2 youngest in daycare so she can go out into the work force or not, join a running club, basket weaving or whatever, that’s still an open discussion without resolve. I say she’s accomplished nothing in 8 years specifically in her personal life, you can say children hinder that personal growth and I agree to an extent, but she can’t attack one college course per semester? Or take a certification course when I’m off work and have the kids? In 8 years…come on man that’s a stretch. Don’t take it out of context because I’m sure all men are extremely thankful for their wives who raised their children and made their home. But that’s not their identity, I’m trying to get my wife to see that and have been for years.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It sounds like you’re trying to be helpful husband but it’s not enough for some women. When a wife starts complaining about every little thing her husband does and talks about being neglected, you want to be sure you do an assessment of your marriage. You want to look internally first because that’s something you can control. Things like work/life balance. 

As a relationship check, are you taking her out on date nights? Do you buy her gifts just because (beyond birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc) ? Do you take the time to hug, kiss, and tell her you love her? How is your sex life? I’m sensing that it’s probably lacking or maybe nonexistent. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. All work will make you both miserable. 

Being a SAHM is very demanding but can be a blessing for the whole family. Some women will insist that unless a woman is a cog in some corporate entity, she’s wasting away. Does your wife want to work or really start a business or is that something that you’re pushing. Could some of your wife’s resentment come from a feeling that she’s not meeting your expectations of being some super productive woman?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Alpha1066 said:


> What’s interesting about how I see things just curious? Is my ideology off or what…here to learn I’m not perfect. But yes I agree, I hate counseling but I’ll try.


Just observing how you post “failure” and “winning” and “the goal is ...” which is all fine, and I’m guessing that some of this has been shaped by being in the military. But when it comes to relationships, I think winning and failure aren’t useful terms because they are so extreme, in my opinion. It’s better to just be there for each other, let yourselves enjoy the little things. It seems like ya’ll are relegated to running a “tight ship” but where is the fun?

My husband explained to me that men are very task focused - they like to find solutions but for me, sometimes I just want to be heard, with no solution. lol I know, it sounds absurd but maybe just sit with your wife one night and talk to her...not about the future and laundry and all that, but just remember you’re on the same side. AND BE SPONTANEOUS. You both seem to be all about the schedule, which I understand that life has responsibilities. But when your marriage becomes keeping score of what the other is doing or not doing, it will become an unhappy place.

As a side thought - I wonder too if she became used to the military way of “grading” performance and now there is no one to keep score anymore (except you and you’re not objective) Maybe she liked that militant way of having to perform to a certain level and for the past 8 years, she has to set her own bar.

I’m just guessing but words like win and failure and goals aren’t useful when you feel like a fish out of water.

If that makes sense.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Alpha1066 said:


> Ok that’s fair. So at least in my household, we’re talking about laundry, picking up after kids, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, bedrooms etc. if I do all yard work, cook all meals, take the kids out for leisure and occasionally do everything else “when I feel like it”, I think that’s pretty shared. With that ideology the financial burden should be shared, or cutting the grass and hedging, cooking meals. We have 2 kids that are in school, 1 is breastfeeding (can’t do anything about that), the other is pretty autonomous…but it’s a lot, it’s mind numbing and I get it 100%. I’m not interested in over compensating, my effort should be reciprocated . I’ve offered to put my 2 youngest in daycare so she can go out into the work force or not, join a running club, basket weaving or whatever, that’s still an open discussion without resolve. I say she’s accomplished nothing in 8 years specifically in her personal life, you can say children hinder that personal growth and I agree to an extent, but she can’t attack one college course per semester? Or take a certification course when I’m off work and have the kids? In 8 years…come on man that’s a stretch. Don’t take it out of context because I’m sure all men are extremely thankful for their wives who raised their children and made their home. But that’s not their identity, I’m trying to get my wife to see that and have been for years.


Okay, let's say your wife is responsible for preparing two meals a day, laundry, tidying up, dishes, and cleaning the interior of the house. And you are responsible for cooking dinner, yard work, and taking the kids out for leisure. That doesn't seem very balanced.

Laundry can easily be a daily task (I have 5 kids, I know how quickly it piles up), tidying up after kids is a task that is repeated many times a day, doing dishes is a task that is repeated many times a day (3 meals, plus snacks), cleaning bedrooms could be a daily task, cleaning bathrooms is a daily to weekly task (depending on what is being done), cleaning the kitchen happens at least once a day. Then you add on everything she is doing with the kids during the day.

Cooking dinner is a once a day task. Grass does not need to be cut daily and hedges do not need to be trimmed daily. What does "take the kids out for leisure" mean? So her load seems a lot bigger than yours and you didn't mention things like who does homework with the kids, bathes them, wakes up at night with them, gets them to school, takes them to appointments, grocery shops, meal plans, does the administrative type work, etc. You may be underestimating how much your wife really does.

The financial burden _is _being shared right now. I don't think you have said your children's exact ages, so I'll just have to guess here. Lets say you have an infant (0-18 months), a preschooler (3-5 years), and two school-aged children (5-12). In my area the two little ones would be $553-$876/week, and if before/after school care is needed it would be $250/week for the two school-aged kids. So that's $803-$1,126 per _week _that is being saved. Many people in this country are not even making the $58k that would be necessary to put 4 children in childcare.

I'm not saying that SAHM's cannot have a life outside of being a SAHM. They can and probably should, but it is often hard for them to find the time _and _energy to do that - especially if there are any mental health concerns (which there very well may be).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> OK, you're super defensive about this.
> 
> So you support her financially, you "pay her way through life." Your job, while difficult, isn't 24/7. Her job is 24/7. I realize you don't see it as a job, but that's too big to address here. I don't really think it's about you not doing enough. I think neither of you respect her life choices, and you're both frustrated. She feels inadequate and you feel taken advantage of by someone you view as lazy.
> 
> Honestly, she needs a job. You've been encouraging her to get one, but she's not doing it. I'm going to stick with therapy. Someone on the outside, with nothing invested in your relationship, to say, "So he told you to get a job and you're still not doing it?" She needs someone to kind of wake her up to the amount of agency she has here. I'm sure she's hesitant because she can't make enough to cover child care and she knows that's not good enough. It will be a very rough few years for her, she's going to be tired and alone and you're going to be really mad at her for not keeping the house clean and your uniforms pressed. But if she wants a better life, she has to stop doing what she's doing now, because what she's doing now is going to cost her her marriage. You're not going to stick around with someone you see as a burden who is ALSO "entitled" and rude.


No, you are jumping to conclusions, and have two separate times, with what appeared to be a passive aggressive dig.

Stop.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Alpha, I am a retired Soldier after 20 years of service. 

My last 5 years in were rough for my wife in a lot of ways. She took out those hardships on me for a long time, in a very similar fashion as your wife. It continued to get worse, which is eventually what brought me to this site. 

Six months after retirement, I told her I was done with a relationship devoid of respect and sex, and we could either get busy with getting better, or end it. 

We eventually recovered, and are great now. But that took me learning how to develop and enforce boundaries, learning some communication techniques, and frankly...some growing up on my part. It also took her to make the decision to end her rectal cranial inversion, which took about 18 months.

Here is the thing, brother. You can't want it for her. She is planting herself in the victim chair, and blaming you for it being uncomfortable. This is pure projection, as alluded to by other posters, and must be addressed with a boundary. 

I'm not without empathy for her. FFS, she went from wearing a uniform to mothering 4 children. That is a ton of work.

The next time she criticizes you unnecessarily, try asking her:

"Would you be okay with me criticizing you about how you choose to do things?"

If she escalates, or blows if off:

"I'm not okay with yelling/belittling/etc."

If she continues with the same point:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

If she still continues:

"Are you done?"

Follow that up with:

"When you are ready to talk about what is really bothering you, I'm ready to listen."

Then walk away and do something else. The ball is now in her court...to communicate like an ADULT. 

Lastly, keep in mind that these situations normally get worse before they get better. She will likely initially be flabbergasted when you use the boundary statements. This can be followed by anger, taunting, or any number of other lousy behavior. 

Similar to standards, if they are important enough for you to consider them a boundary, they are important enough to enforce. 




Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> No, you are jumping to conclusions, and have two separate times, with what appeared to be a passive aggressive dig.
> 
> Stop.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


On second thought, I put most of the ones I could find back. They were on topic and I stand by my opinions. If they’re deemed inappropriate the moderators can make that call and remove them. I have been asked not to remove posts so I’m not going to leave them blank.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bobert said:


> Okay, let's say your wife is responsible for preparing two meals a day, laundry, tidying up, dishes, and cleaning the interior of the house. And you are responsible for cooking dinner, yard work, and taking the kids out for leisure. That doesn't seem very balanced.
> 
> Laundry can easily be a daily task (I have 5 kids, I know how quickly it piles up), tidying up after kids is a task that is repeated many times a day, doing dishes is a task that is repeated many times a day (3 meals, plus snacks), cleaning bedrooms could be a daily task, cleaning bathrooms is a daily to weekly task (depending on what is being done), cleaning the kitchen happens at least once a day. Then you add on everything she is doing with the kids during the day.
> 
> ...


Are you crazy?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Having 4 kids is not “a ton of work”. They chose to have 4. Apparently 3 must have been easy. Kids are a lot of trouble if they have illnesses, or if they aren’t trained properly. Lazy people usually don’t spend a lot of effort training their kids and those same parents complain what a lot of trouble the kids are.

she’s her own boss. Her job gets done on her schedule. It’s as easy or as hard as she makes it. OP is on someone else’s schedule, he works at their pace, at their leisure. Then he comes home and cooks supper and listens to his wife complain about this and that.
What a helluva life.


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## Travelmom (10 mo ago)

Alpha1066 said:


> Good afternoon everybody,
> I’ll try to make this a short read. I’m 32 married for 8 years with 4 kids. I’m an officer in the military and I have a business that I’m building in preparation for retirement. My wife has been a stay at home mom for those 8 years, doesn’t want or need for anything. My wife constantly criticizes me about random things, not being there for her emotionally at times, not helping around the house as much as I should, being a more involved dad, and everything else under the sun. At first I thought well she’s identifying issues that I can fix or get better, but now I’m starting to see it as being manipulative. I take a lot off of her plate, I cook most of the dinners and lunch/breakfast when able. Pick up after everybody when I feel like it, I’ll pitch in around the house when I see she’s overwhelmed. But it seems like my wife wants to receive 100% of what she’s asking of me and i don’t think it’s realistic…I’d like to get back rubs every night but I know it’s unrealistic. But I’m starting to resent her, she seems ungrateful and very critical of everything I do. Im not the perfect husband, However I feel like I strongly hold up my end of the bargain in comparison. alot of criticisms I have of my wife I sometimes keep to myself because everything isn’t worth an argument, my wife is human and that’s ok, but everything, every flaw, every misstep is criticized by my wife. I sometimes come home from work to her attitude, she takes it out on everybody and later apologizes, although greatful for the apology, my peace is taken from me at that point. Mostly it’s the kids and understand how mind numbing that can be, 2 of my kids are in school and 2 are under 5 so she’s home with 2 kids all day. In those 8 years she hasn’t accomplished anything, I try to encourage her, like hey school is an option, if you want to start a business I’ll be your first investor, self improvement classes I’ll pay for, I don’t care if she wants to join a bike club or running club I’m all for it, I just want her to live and take advantage of what I’ve provided for her. She has no drive, direction or ambition that she’s expressed. It’s Even to the point of considering childcare for my 2 boys so she can go experience life. But now it’s a sense of entitlement that drives her imo. Am I tripping or what??? I love my wife and want this to last but man I’d much rather be alone and at peace, then having to deal the emotional roller coaster of a woman. But like I said I’m not perfect, but bottom line I’m loyal, I don’t abuse her, and I don’t discount or discredit her. Her criticisms of me are very minimal from my POV. But the goal post keeps moving further and further away.


I can tell you as a highly educated woman, being a SAHM is hard. We want what is best for the family, but slightly resent what we gave up. In my case, I cook, clean, make all appointments, give him free time, etc. It is never enough. It sounds to me like you are doing everything right. Maybe offer her a back rub first and see if that leads to her offering you one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well like many stay at home spouses you have settled into a child and parent dynamic. Your wife acts like an entitled kid and treats you like her father. I would never in a million years do this in today's day and age. It's just not a healthy and sustainable dynamic. I have just read this story too many times. Usually it ends when at the peek of their entitlement the SAH spouse cheats.

You are way way too nice and your wife has no fear and no respect. You need to call her out every single time she speaks to you that way. You don't have to yell but you need to make it clear you are not going to put up with it. Much like you would a kid. Not later immediately.

You need to have your come to Jesus moment. Hopefully your wife isn't to far gone.

I have no doubt taking care of 4 kids is hard but that doesn't give her an excuse to treat you that way. Again she is not scared that she will push you away because she thinks of you the way she would her father, where his love is unconditional.

You need to let her know it's not, it has conditions and one of them is being a decent partner.

After that if she gets it together then it would make sense to try to have some alone time where you wife can feel like more then a Mom. I would also suggest you help her get some hobbies she can do at night and you can watch the kids, but not until she stops acting like a jerk.

If it was me I would sit her down and say - "look this isn't working, you are obviously unhappy and taking out on everyone, maybe it's time you get a job, at least part time. Whatever it is you are going to have to stop lashing out because I am pretty much at my limit."

Don't be nice, you can be kind but you need to be assertive.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why do people have 4 kids and then say they are overwhelmed?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She needs a job. Not a hobby that you pay for (and can take away from her), an actual job.
> 
> She seems to be being unreasonable, but years of being used and unappreciated and treated like an appliance with no brain wears on women. Rinsing the skid marks out of some guys underpants in exchange for room and board makes some women miserable. She sounds miserable. She needs something for herself so she can feel like a whole person instead of someone’s assistant and housekeeper. I would love to believe that if you approached and asked her what she thinks about developing some independence, she would be relieved and jump at the chance to better herself.
> 
> Now if she doesn’t want a job and wants you to do everything around the house while she does nothing AND have you continue to pay her bills, all while she’s a crabby shrew, then start talking divorce.


Where is it stated that she was treated horribly and only appreciated as a wife appliance?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> What are the things you do for her? She's your nanny and housekeeper, what are you doing to make her life easier? I'm not being snarky, I'm honestly asking. Maybe if you list out the things you do for her it will make you feel less to blame for this.


To make her life easier? How about everything?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Where is it stated that she was treated horribly and only appreciated as a wife appliance?


I think what's going on in this thread is similar to the dynamic between his wife and himself in real life. Instead of just telling her to buzz off for making up stuff like that, passive aggressive digs, he sits there, says yes ma'am and engages like he's actually having a real, rational conversation. And that's exactly the kind of behavior that makes women feel like they wear the pants, which in turn often gives them anxiety and depression.

His wife is behaving irrationally and he's trying to respond in a rational way. Which unfortunately never works.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It would help were it not for things like this:


I agree. 8 years of putting your life on hold to raise kids is a pretty big accomplishment that should be appreciated.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> It sounds like you’re trying to be helpful husband but it’s not enough for some women. When a wife starts complaining about every little thing her husband does and talks about being neglected, you want to be sure
> 
> As a relationship check, are you taking her out on date nights? Do you buy her gifts just because (beyond birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc) ? Do you take the time to hug, kiss, and tell her you love her? How is your sex life? I’m sensing that it’s probably lacking or maybe nonexistent. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. All work will make you both miserable.
> 
> Being a SAHM is very demanding but can be a blessing for the whole family. Some women will insist that unless a woman is a cog in some corporate entity, she’s wasting away. Does your wife want to work or really start a business or is that something that you’re pushing. Could some of your wife’s resentment come from a feeling that she’s not meeting your expectations of being some super productive woman?


Work/life balance of the course of the past 2 years have been excellent, prior to that it was rough. Affection, dating, etc is definitely lacking, she doesn’t trust baby sitters so we’re at the mercy of family members when come to visit which is every so often and we’ll go out, now that I think about it, that might be 3-4 times a year. I don’t think my wife really put any thought in doing much if anything, I shout out ideas and she speak about it but she’s just not motivated.


gaius said:


> I think what's going on in this thread is similar to the dynamic between his wife and himself in real life. Instead of just telling her to buzz off for making up stuff like that, passive aggressive digs, he sits there, says yes ma'am and engages like he's actually having a real, rational conversation. And that's exactly the kind of behavior that makes women feel like they wear the pants, which in turn often gives them anxiety and depression.
> 
> His wife is behaving irrationally and he's trying to respond in a rational way. Which unfortunately never works.


this is eye opening, I’m not offended by anything anyone has said thus far, I was hoping this would’ve been a dialogue with married men specifically because I wanted to have a discussion that was based on logic and not feelings. But I see the manipulation.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Alpha1066 said:


> Work/life balance of the course of the past 2 years have been excellent, prior to that it was rough. Affection, dating, etc is definitely lacking, she doesn’t trust baby sitters so we’re at the mercy of family
> this is eye opening, I’m not offended by anything anyone has said thus far, I was hoping this would’ve been a dialogue with married men specifically because I wanted to have a discussion that was based on logic and not feelings. But I see the manipulation.


The way I see it.. she is exhausted and she's probably not thinking straight. And she is full of resentment because she is stuck at home. Since she doesn't trust anybody to look after the kids to have a break, I'm afraid all of this sounds self-inflicted. There is no solution if there is no flexibility.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Are you crazy?


Are you? Having four kids is absolutely a lot of work. Seeing as I'm frequently told how well behaved my kids are, and how much my wife works with them, you can save yourself the "you have untrained, unruly kids and a lazy wife" speech. 

And no, a SAHM does not really make their own schedule. Their schedule is determined by morning wake times, naps times, meal times, snack times, cranky babies and toddlers, school drop offs and pick ups, extra curriculars, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, etc. And that is not letting children run the show, that's life with small children. There are plenty of things my wife would love to do during the day, but there is no time to do them or no way to squeeze them in between all of the above. 

It's not "as easy or hard as she makes it". Of course there are some things a SAHM can do that makes her life harder or easier. However, A LOT of it depends on the children. If a nap gets thrown off, a child is sick, etc. the day EASILY goes to hell. If the child is having a sleep regression, the next few days or weeks can go to hell.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

How soon can you become a SAHD? That way, everything will be 50-50. Does she like cutting the grass? Can she get over not having the standard of living that your income provides?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it’s very common for the person (sometimes it’s the father) who stays at home, giving up their career, to become resentful, or maybe even a little envious of the spouse who seems to “come and go as they please” and they don’t have the same flexibility. Also, they may feel guilt for these conflicting feelings because they love their kids but they feel like they don’t have the same freedoms.

I don’t discount that your wife may feel those things OP, but she needs to articulate them, and stop lashing out in constant criticism of you because I think you’d listen if she approached you differently. It’s okay for her to feel anyway she wants but she should turn to you for help - but that’s easier said than done if she sees you as part of the issue. That’s what marriage should be about - helping each other if the other is feeling sad/lost/confused.

Hope you both can find some middle ground.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I agree. 8 years of putting your life on hold to raise kids is a pretty big accomplishment that should be appreciated.


Ofcourse it’s appreciated, I don’t understand why this is even in question, her personal accomplishments are non existent. But we don’t get browney points for doing our jobs, we chose to have kids, she chose to be a SAHM.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Alpha1066 , your wife sounds like an entitled complainer who wants you to do all of the work away from home and in the home, then pay for childcare so she can go out and play. You didnt have the four kids alone. She was involved in case she has forgotten.

I an sure you dont tolerate this BS from people you are over in the military. You dont need to tolerate it at home either. She needs to get off of the couch and get a paying job. She doesnt have enough drive to start a business, so forget about that.

Insist on her getting herself squared away and stop babying her. Life is tough and she needs to get with the program. As am sure you know, military is heavy with infidelity, so a bored sahm is ripe for looking for excitement.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> How soon can you become a SAHD? That way, everything will be 50-50. Does she like cutting the grass? Can she get over not having the standard of living that your income provides?


I would be a SAHD, I see it as an opportunity to get in tune with the kids and the possibilities are endless. Starting a small business would be very appealing. Dedicate time to the kids and household chores while growing personally…without the mental and physical strain of trading time for money for someone else’s benefit. But it wouldn’t be sustainable, she would probably start at an entry level position which our standard of living as you mentioned would significantly drop, no more trips, no fancy material items, no “just because” gifts, we would struggle. Bottom line my wife has what a lot of people want FREEDOM…she doesn’t trade time for money. If she wants to leave when I get home, no issue , if she wants to pursue a degree or take leisure somewhere outside of the house, I welcome that…some will say well she’s not free she has to take care of children, yes…but WE chose to have children, raising them is a by product it’s not extra external duties. I’m literally my happiest when my family is happy, comfortable, never wanting for anything…I’ll gladly suffer at work to afford her the opportunity to blaze her own path in life without having to worry about the financial challenges we all tackle. If that’s not a good deal then maybe I looked at marriage the wrong way and simply it wasn’t for me to begin with because no matter what you do you can’t make a women happy.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @Alpha1066 , your wife sounds like an entitled complainer who wants you to do all of the work away from home and in the home, then pay for childcare so she can go out and play. You didnt have the four kids alone. She was involved in case she has forgotten.
> 
> I an sure you dont tolerate this BS from people you are over in the military. You dont need to tolerate it at home either. She needs to get off of the couch and get a paying job. She doesnt have enough drive to start a business, so forget about that.
> 
> Insist on her getting herself squared away and stop babying her. Life is tough and she needs to get with the program. As am sure you know, military is heavy with infidelity, so a bored sahm is ripe for looking for excitement.


Agreed, I thought about it this way, what if I came home and took over, did everything…I believe in my heart it would still be the same, complaining about something else. I’ve definitely been passive towards her because it was always a touchy subject about her working or doing something outside of the house. I never thought about infidelity because I firmly believe what goes on in the dark comes to light eventually, but I definitely get it. I offer to pay for childcare with hopes that it would give her a boost to get up and get out and find her identity and where she fits in society, I believe I owe her that especially since she’s traveled the states with me, uprooted, deployments. So I thought it was my responsibility to whatever I can to make that happen as a show of appreciation…even though a huge part of adulthood she doesn’t have to worry about because I’m the sole earner. I thought that would be enough because who the hell wants to work. Just my thoughts.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Alpha1066 said:


> Agreed, I thought about it this way, what if I came home and took over, did everything…I believe in my heart it would still be the same, complaining about something else. I’ve definitely been passive towards her because it was always a touchy subject about her working or doing something outside of the house. I never thought about infidelity because I firmly believe what goes on in the dark comes to light eventually, but I definitely get it. I offer to pay for childcare with hopes that it would give her a boost to get up and get out and find her identity and where she fits in society, I believe I owe her that especially since she’s traveled the states with me, uprooted, deployments. So I thought it was my responsibility to whatever I can to make that happen as a show of appreciation…even though a huge part of adulthood she doesn’t have to worry about because I’m the sole earner. I thought that would be enough because who the hell wants to work. Just my thoughts.


If you start doing everything for her to try and make things better, you'll get the opposite of that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Well like many stay at home spouses you have settled into a child and parent dynamic. Your wife acts like an entitled kid and treats you like her father. I would never in a million years do this in today's day and age. It's just not a healthy and sustainable dynamic. I have just read this story too many times. Usually it ends when at the peek of their entitlement the SAH spouse cheats.
> 
> You are way way too nice and your wife has no fear and no respect. You need to call her out every single time she speaks to you that way. You don't have to yell but you need to make it clear you are not going to put up with it. Much like you would a kid. Not later immediately.
> 
> ...


Yea, tough love may work - and wives respect their husbands when they stand firm on certain things, when it comes to what will make them stronger as a couple. I think that’s reasonable. Our culture definitely has made women feel like we should control our husbands, and it’s not a healthy message.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Well like many stay at home spouses you have settled into a child and parent dynamic. Your wife acts like an entitled kid and treats you like her father. I would never in a million years do this in today's day and age. It's just not a healthy and sustainable dynamic. I have just read this story too many times. Usually it ends when at the peek of their entitlement the SAH spouse cheats.
> 
> You are way way too nice and your wife has no fear and no respect. You need to call her out every single time she speaks to you that way. You don't have to yell but you need to make it clear you are not going to put up with it. Much like you would a kid. Not later immediately.
> 
> ...


Take her on a two week vacation, talk only about positivity steps in drawing closer as man and wife, while reconnecting sexually everyday on a take a break from daily stresses vacation.

No kids allowed.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Alpha1066 said:


> no matter what you do you can’t make a women happy.


Not with that attitude.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alpha1066 said:


> Agreed, I thought about it this way, what if I came home and took over, did everything…I believe in my heart it would still be the same, complaining about something else. I’ve definitely been passive towards her because it was always a touchy subject about her working or doing something outside of the house. I never thought about infidelity because I firmly believe what goes on in the dark comes to light eventually, but I definitely get it. I offer to pay for childcare with hopes that it would give her a boost to get up and get out and find her identity and where she fits in society, I believe I owe her that especially since she’s traveled the states with me, uprooted, deployments. So I thought it was my responsibility to whatever I can to make that happen as a show of appreciation…even though a huge part of adulthood she doesn’t have to worry about because I’m the sole earner. I thought that would be enough because who the hell wants to work. Just my thoughts.


Have you told her this is how you feel? I know you didn’t want a woman’s perspective or to talk about feelings. But you make really salient points here. If you’ve told her this and she’s still pouting, it’s on her and she’s being a brat. If you haven’t, maybe try?


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> It sounds like you’re trying to be helpful husband but it’s not enough for some women. When a wife starts complaining about every little thing her husband does and talks about being neglected, you want to be sure you do an assessment of your marriage. You want to look internally first because that’s something you can control. Things like work/life balance.
> 
> As a relationship check, are you taking her out on date nights? Do you buy her gifts just because (beyond birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc) ? Do you take the time to hug, kiss, and tell her you love her? How is your sex life? I’m sensing that it’s probably lacking or maybe nonexistent. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. All work will make you both miserable.
> 
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A stay at home mom that doesn’t like being a stay at home mom……. 
ticking time bomb she is.

You’re crazy to allow her to stay at home unhappy. Pay for daycare and demand she establish a career. This would be non-negotiable. You’d have to have a deadline and have divorce papers ready should she not follow through. Or you can stand idly by, listen to her bs, while she stays home and gets on the internet and meets her “soul mate”.

Unhappy women find ways of getting out of their unhappiness, and unmotivated ones like yours typically look to monkey branching to a successful guy, if they can find one, that will dry their tears and blow smoke up their bits to get in their britches.

Realize you’re setting her up to get 50:50 custody of your kids or more, spousal support, and child support for FOUR kids, should you divorce. She’s unhappy with you, so let’s not pretend it’s impossible.
I’m doing so, she just got half the responsibility to take care of the kids put on you half the time, a free ride financially for many years, and plenty of time to date other men.

Hence, her getting a career is going to greatly change the whole dynamic in a way that is positive for everyone involved. She’s not happy staying home. And she’s not getting a job unless you push her. Although some claim those 4 younguns are just such an ordeal for her, it appears it must not be so bad that she’d actually get a J O B. I mean, you’ve offered to provide daycare. No excuse.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Not with that attitude.


Out of everything I’ve said this is what you choose to highlight, your here to shame not help.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> A stay at home mom that doesn’t like being a stay at home mom…….
> ticking time bomb she is.
> 
> You’re crazy to allow her to stay at home unhappy. Pay for daycare and demand she establish a career. This would be non-negotiable. You’d have to have a deadline and have divorce papers ready should she not follow through. Or you can stand idly by, listen to her bs, while she stays home and gets on the internet and meets her “soul mate”.
> ...


Definitely agree…this is my next course of action, have a real conversation about her getting out into the work force. Hey maybe one day I’ll be a stay at home husband.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Alpha1066 said:


> I would be a SAHD, I see it as an opportunity to get in tune with the kids and the possibilities are endless. Starting a small business would be very appealing. Dedicate time to the kids and household chores while growing personally…without the mental and physical strain of trading time for money for someone else’s benefit. But it wouldn’t be sustainable, she would probably start at an entry level position which our standard of living as you mentioned would significantly drop, no more trips, no fancy material items, no “just because” gifts, we would struggle. Bottom line my wife has what a lot of people want FREEDOM…she doesn’t trade time for money. If she wants to leave when I get home, no issue , if she wants to pursue a degree or take leisure somewhere outside of the house, I welcome that…some will say well she’s not free she has to take care of children, yes…but WE chose to have children, raising them is a by product it’s not extra external duties. I’m literally my happiest when my family is happy, comfortable, never wanting for anything…I’ll gladly suffer at work to afford her the opportunity to blaze her own path in life without having to worry about the financial challenges we all tackle. If that’s not a good deal then maybe I looked at marriage the wrong way and simply it wasn’t for me to begin with because no matter what you do you can’t make a women happy.


You said you can never make a woman happy?

Well not always true.

I made a woman very happy five times this past weekend.
Breakdown; 3 times great sex, two orgasms each time for her, one task completed completely renovating one room with new flooring, fixtures, new outlets and switches, all new paint ceiling, walls, and trim. One more task doing the weekly shopping (which I never do) because her knee was sore.

Now I just have to explain to my W where I was all weekend. 🤣🤣🤣 just kidding. I already told her. She was fine with me being gone sat and sun.

Just kidding again.


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## Alpha1066 (9 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> Alpha, I am a retired Soldier after 20 years of service.
> 
> My last 5 years in were rough for my wife in a lot of ways. She took out those hardships on me for a long time, in a very similar fashion as your wife. It continued to get worse, which is eventually what brought me to this site.
> 
> ...


Thanks brother I appreciate your feedback, I’ll work on communicating with boundaries like you suggested. Bottom line, she takes her situation for granted. If I give her an ultimatum to go to work, she probably would lose her sh**…because it’s not comfortable, she can’t sleep in, she has a dress code, deadlines and all the other things we have to conform to in the modern workforce. Just like I can I say I may take her for granted at times, maybe I don’t recognize when she’s overwhelmed at times, or if she’s had a bad day…idk trying to understand someone’s feelings is mentally draining. Im pretty cut and dry, easy to please…life gives you what you put into it and it seems like my wife just expects the benefits of life while rebelling against the rigors of life, it’s an insane amount of entitlement and Disney World delusional view of reality.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No one can “make” anyone happy - it comes from within. You may have disagreements etc - that’s not the same as being unhappy. But, it’s irrational to expect a spouse to provide unending happiness. I see marriage as a partnership, and I want to be a blessing to my husband but his entire well being isn’t my responsibility. And vice versa. This is why OP’s wife isn’t satisfied with the laundry list of things OP is doing for her/the family. Her idea of marriage may be that he isn’t checking all the boxes so she’s going to be “unhappy.”

Withdrawing from life, no motivation etc - these could be symptoms of depression which is an entirely different issue.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@Alpha1066 - Let's go back a ways. 4 kids in 8 years. Was this your wife's idea? How quickly did you start in? Why did you marry, what were your dreams? Did she become pregnant before you got married? I don't think I've seen this questions asked or answered yet, and in a lot of TAM threads, marriages got off to a bad start, and never recovered, when decisions were made because kids were involved, decisions that, without kids, would have been different. It's a lot easier for the wife to believe her destiny is trapped, determined, by having kids, while the guy has a myriad of different directions he can go. Those directions, choices, are empowering. Perceived lack of choice = lack of agency = potential resentment, victim mentality, etc.

We already know what your dreams are. You've got it all planned out, even a business to take you past your military retirement. What are hers?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Alpha1066 said:


> Agreed, I thought about it this way, what if I came home and took over, did everything…I believe in my heart it would still be the same, complaining about something else. I’ve definitely been passive towards her because it was always a touchy subject about her working or doing something outside of the house. I never thought about infidelity because I firmly believe what goes on in the dark comes to light eventually, but I definitely get it. I offer to pay for childcare with hopes that it would give her a boost to get up and get out and find her identity and where she fits in society, I believe I owe her that especially since she’s traveled the states with me, uprooted, deployments. So I thought it was my responsibility to whatever I can to make that happen as a show of appreciation…even though a huge part of adulthood she doesn’t have to worry about because I’m the sole earner. I thought that would be enough because who the hell wants to work. Just my thoughts.


Of course it would be the same. Your wife is unhappy for some reason and she's started in a very irrational way to blame you for that. Helping ease her burden won't really help because that's not the actual problem.

What the actual problem is, who knows. Forcing her to get a job might not help at all. It's up to her to figure out exactly what would make her happy. But you definitely need to start correcting her nonsense that you're the problem. So she loses the idea that you're coming home every day to act like her punching bag. And she starts to figure out what her real problem is.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Alpha1066 said:


> If I give her an ultimatum to go to work, she probably would lose her sh**…because it’s not comfortable, she can’t sleep in, she has a dress code, deadlines and all the other things we have to conform to in the modern workforce. Just like I can I say I may take her for granted at times, maybe I don’t recognize when she’s overwhelmed at times, or if she’s had a bad day…idk trying to understand someone’s feelings is mentally draining.


This passage was interesting to me. 

You’d like for her to do something other than what she’s doing now and the reason is because you believe she’s not happy. You believe that because she is on your ass about things.

The next time she gets on you about something why don’t you ask her straight up, is she unhappy? If she is unhappy, the next question is, what would make you happy? If she does a chore goalpost move just suck it up.

From your time in the service I’m sure you can do many painful and uncomfortable things for long periods without complaining.

My guess is, she does not become happier from that.

Maybe use that example as a launching point into what is really wrong and if there is something you can do to help.

Full disclosure, I have the opposite issue with my wife. She works way too much and I can’t get her to stop.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Noticed you said that you & wife do not really get much time to go out alone for date night. You said she does not trust babysitters. What about making an effort to specifically find someone she could trust so that the two of you could spend more time together away from the home & kids? Being together in this manner on a more regular basis could help communication between the two of you. Better communication could make it easier to talk about the dynamic that is currently at play. This may sound a little crazy but she may not actually realize she is lashing out at you so much. I’m truly curious if you have had conversations with her about the way she is lashing out , overly complaining etc without all the talk about accomplishments/starting a business etc etc. what does she say about her behavior?


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Alpha-

Just some straight sauce here... 

1.) Get a maid to come in every 2 weeks or every week. Not sure where you live and the expense BUT if you can swing it, it will take some weight off your shoulders since you do cook/ clean AND some weight off the wife.

2.) Get a sitter for the kids for some date nights. Non-negotiable. If she has trust issues with any sort of 'sitter'... then there is a larger problem here and that totally lies at her feet. 
At this point you may not want to 'wine-n-dine' the wife... BUT you gotta start somewhere in breaking down the walls. That place, where ever it may be, usually doesn't involve kids. 

3.) DO THINGS in/ outside the house you want to. DON'T DO the things that build resentment in your heart towards her. 

4.) Do you feel she is depressed? It appears as if she is to me. And that can be common for stay-at-home-anyone. Happened to me as a SAHD. If so, your suggestions of a job/ new career path/ further education are not going to be well received because of the mental block of depression. See if you can spur her to some health care professional for diagnosis. 

I am a SAHD... but I work part-time as well. It's 24/7/365. I was depressed at one point... but I moved past that because I wanted to and knew I was better than that. 

For the record, I totally empathize with your viewpoint. I grew up in a military household so I am very pointed in my comments and thoughts. I see your logic very easily. 

Here's the BIG BUTT... you gotta step back and realize you need to see your duties at home as a challenge with small victories when you accomplish them. Seems very quaint, I know.

Mow the lawn? Yep, it looks better than my neighbors! Deck belt broke on the mower? Yep, my neighbor would just take it to the delaer for repair. 
Doing a load of laundry? The wife would just hap-hazardly fill the cup and throw it in the machine BUT you fill to the appropriate line... and thus save money making the '134 load' container actually last for 134 loads.

Do you see where I am going? Everything is a challenge. Do YOUR best and strive for absolute competence in every aspect.

Not that you don't do that... but that little change in mindset, for me, changed my present life. It removed the resentment focus from my head and placed it on absolute efficiency and economics of the household. And that gives me a sense of accomplishment. 

My wife had to step up... she had no choice when I was running circles around her. 

May not work in your situation. The only thing you have control of is your mind. Start there. The resentment on your part, while absolutely valid, will consume you. You need to try to break away from some of that for YOUR own sake. 

Once you can establish some sense of accomplishment, in your own way, regarding the mudane task of life at home... and you can create some space for your relationship with your wife (minus kids) then you will be able to improve your current situation. 

Again, your wife may not respond to the above at all. BUT... YOU will be setting the agenda, planning escapes from the kids on your terms, and if the wife wants to come along on that ride. Great! If not... well you have your answer on how to expect things to go until retirement. 

Best of Luck.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Alpha1066 said:


> Definitely agree…this is my next course of action, have a real conversation about her getting out into the work force. Hey maybe one day I’ll be a stay at home husband.


You’re too nice, time to remove her from the queens pedestal.
Read this.








Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy : Robert Glover : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


Self Help



archive.org


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> You’re too nice, time to remove her from the queens pedestal.
> Read this.
> 
> 
> ...


No more Mr Nice Guy? OP’s posts have, to me, seemed rather hostile and a bit entitled, although there’s some evidence of beginning to see things from other viewpoints after he’s read reactions from others. I think the No More Mr Nice Guy moves things in the wrong direction.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> No more Mr Nice Guy? OP’s posts have, to me, seemed rather hostile and a bit entitled, although there’s some evidence of beginning to see things from other viewpoints after he’s read reactions from others. I think the No More Mr Nice Guy moves things in the wrong direction.


We don’t really know why there is so much resentment in this marriage. It’s all a bit odd.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Alpha1066 said:


> I’m not offended by anything anyone has said thus far, I was hoping this would’ve been a dialogue with married men specifically because I wanted to have a discussion that was based on logic and not feelings.


Maybe a woman's perspective might also be helpful, since there is a "feelings" component to this issue. I'll throw mine out there and let you decide what to do with it. 

For example, when she says you're not there for her emotionally, that's big. It's not a general complaint like some of the other stuff.

She is letting you know that a very important need that is not being met. I suggest getting to the bottom of that one first. When women feel disconnected emotionally, they can get resentful and lose respect, admiration, and attraction for their husbands.

Feeling more connected to you will help improve all of your issues.



Lotsofheart73 said:


> Noticed you said that you & wife do not really get much time to go out alone for date night. You said she does not trust babysitters.


Or, have date night at home once the kids are in bed for the night?


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Yes, went thru a rough time with 3 kids with the last two being only 13 months apart and had no reliable sitters (no family nearby either). Stuck to strict early bedtimes and had to make dates at home a lot. Sometimes I cooked something special just for the 2 of us and other times husband brought home to go food that reheated well so we could have after kids were alseep. Can make it whatever you want.


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

Sorry to hear you are going through this rough moment in your marriage. It sounds like there is a lot of unhappiness and resentment on both sides of this equation. Four kids with two in school and two not in school that sounds busy and stressful for both of you.

A few questions for you about this situation:

1. What does your wife define as accomplishments? 

2. What do you define as accomplishments?

I have to admit hair on my neck bristled, when you mentioned she hasn't accomplished anything in 8 years. Perhaps, there is some misalignment here on what you both view as accomplishments. My wife and I sat down and defined goals together, which was a huge help to our relationship.

3. Do you help around the house with joy and enthusiasm or for lack of a better term a bad attitude? 

I used to be in a similar situation and I was a jerk about helping her and I wasn't even aware of it. I had similar thoughts to you on the lack of accomplishments in the house while I was at work, and my thoughts showed in how I completed chores that I didn't think I should have been doing. Brings me shame to think about it (it's probably why I had a reaction to that above comment.) All my "help" did was make my SAHM wife feel more unworthy and like a failure. Something society tells stay at home parents they are in darn near every form of media there is, which I now find ridiculous. What accomplishment is greater than raising the next generation of humans? 

I am a person that communicates love and likes to receive love from acts of service. I was able to view helping more around the house as a way to communicate my love to my wife vs. her having a lack of love towards me by not doing them. That helped me flip my attitude completely. I do not tolerate getting nagged at constantly or moving goal posts though, not sure how to help you on that one I just leave the situation. Fortunately, that has not been an element of our marriage and my attitude adjustment caused my wife to help me when I would start doing whatever chore it would be. We began working with each other better as a result.

4. Do you two have a defined and agreed upon set of roles and responsibilities for child care and chores? What is your end of the bargain and what is hers? What was agreed upon between you two.

Is it possible to mutually define the goal posts so they don't move? It brings some structure to the situation that may help, since you are military family I figure defined structure and expectations will help you both.

5. How do you two communicate aspects of the household and marriage with each other? Is there a defined time or way that you two do it?

My wife and I both grew up in very invalidating households. So, we are both people that stuff our feelings deep down because we were shamed as children from having them. We still struggle to communicate things we'd like to change with each other at times. The biggest help for us here was to write it all down in separate journals and hand the journals to each other to read. We would then reply back via writing. Might sound silly, it was one of the greatest helps to communicating with each other. When you write it down, it gives you time to process the emotion..something a real time conversation can make difficult.

6. When your wife communicates how she is feeling when you get home do you listen with the intent to understand how she feels about the situation? Or do you try to solve the problem? 

It can come off as very invalidating, regardless of intent, to jump to problem solving before understanding how she feels and whether or not she wants your help with the problem or validation that she is OK to feel the way she does about the situation.

7. Does she jump straight into attack mode when you get home from work? What typically proceeds you getting nagged at?

It sounds like you two are keeping score, which can be a recipe of major resentments in a relationship.

Sorry for the short novel here - I hope you gain a nugget of help from answering these questions for your situation.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I read suggestions that @Alpha1066 needs to help out more with housework and how stressful it is for SAHM with 4 kids. I guess grew up in a timewarp. When wss a kid, SAHM was norm. We had a lot of neighbors with 5 or 6 kids. Some of the women worked a job but most were SAHM. No big deal.

My wife had a career before we married, said her goal was to be a mommy when we married. Which she was to 4 kids. And took pride in keeping a shipshape house. No byching about it. Ever. She loved it. If she hadnt, she could have gone back to work at any point, which she did once kids all hit hs.

@Alpha1066, solution is simple. If she is bored then she needs go back to work, drop kids at daycare, hire a housekeeper. I am betting she will then start complaining about how bad the job is.


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I read suggestions that @Alpha1066 needs to help out more with housework and how stressful it is for SAHM with 4 kids. I guess grew up in a timewarp. When wss a kid, SAHM was norm. We had a lot of neighbors with 5 or 6 kids. Some of the women worked a job but most were SAHM. No big deal.
> 
> My wife had a career before we married, said her goal was to be a mommy when we married. Which she was to 4 kids. And took pride in keeping a shipshape house. No byching about it. Ever. She loved it. If she hadnt, she could have gone back to work at any point, which she did once kids all hit hs.
> 
> @Alpha1066, solution is simple. If she is bored then she needs go back to work, drop kids at daycare, hire a housekeeper. I am betting she will then start complaining about how bad the job is.


That world no longer exists SAHM get shamed left and right often by working women. I've witnessed it first hand often with my wife who is SAHM. Was that the case when you were a kid?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SnakePlissken said:


> That world no longer exists SAHM get shamed left and right often by working women. I've witnessed it first hand often with my wife who is SAHM. Was that the case when you were a kid?


No of course not. Altho once in women's group they asked her if she worked. Her response was an indignant ”I sure do!”


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> No of course not. Altho once in women's group they asked her if she worked. Her response was an indignant ”I sure do!”


I do agree with you by the way that she probably needs a job. I should have better tone in my reply, sorry for that.


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