# My boyfriend of 13 years is leaving me, i had an emotional affair. i need advice



## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

My boyfriend of 13 years is leaving me, because i had an online emotional affair. i need advice.

sorry this is really long, its the whole story.

We met in school when we were 5 years old, when we were 14 we met up again and we started dating

the first year of our relationship was perfect,by then
he was part of my family, that year we switched to the same school so we could spend even more time together,

one day a girl approached me and told me that my boyfriend spent the night at her house, she also told me he showed her extremely private pictures of me, and also the letters id written him and i felt absolutely crushed. i didn't want to break up, i wanted him to fix it, and make us happy again.

When we were 16 years old, he proposed to me.

during my last year of high school our relationship was a little strained, he had been placed in a group home, and that didn't help. i didn't know that i trusted him until a girl at school approached me and told me that her and my boyfriend were only friends so i had nothing to worry about. it was weird but that was all. 

a little while later he broke my heart for the second time, but this time was different, he looked into my eyes and told me the love was gone, and he wanted to
break up. i begged him to stay but he ended it, and started dating that girl, he seemed happy, but i was heart broken, a month later he broke up with her we started talking, more like friends,I still loved him and we got back together.

i was still so hurt and angry and i treated him differently, i was more cold, and i was just waiting for him to break my heart again. i started getting depressed and our fights were getting worse, and during fights i would get so mean, i would say things i didn't mean just to hurt him, because of how hurt i still was. almost all of our little fights would escalate until i was calling him names and threatening to leave and he was asking me to stay. I never really

wanted to leave but when he was asking me to stay was the only time i really saw how much he loved me.

i started getting more and more into computer games and talking to people and being free of reality, and we grew further apart. then finally we found a new apartment that was way bigger and nicer and in a new area, and it was supposed to be our new start. we moved here and things were much better between us, but i still wasn't going to school and i was still depressed, but for the first little while we didn't have any of those huge fights, but he was taking care of me and i was getting more dependent on him but also more into talking to people online, i was still hiding behind the computer and getting the attention i craved from other people, people i would never meet and somehow it seemed harmless.

i never really hid what i was doing and i explained it to him a little, and told him we weren't having sex very often and we weren't very affectionately towards each other, and we both agreed to try harder, and things would improve for a while. i started to talk more to this one person, eventually it turned into voice chat, and we got closer and closer. all together i spoke to this person for about 2 years, towards the end he was telling me that he was in love with me, and even though i never felt that way about any one else, eventually i started saying those kinds of things to him, the kinds of things i wanted to say to my boyfriend, but i was scared to. i was scared if he knew i forgave him and how much i loved him, he would
hurt me again. my boyfriend only seemed to be bother when it came to video chat, so i stopped that. and it seemed fine. 

about 2 months ago, my boyfriend caught me having "phone sex" with this person, we talked for a few minutes but i was so completely embarrassed, i was speechless. i was so scared he would break up with me, but he assured me that it was okay. over the next few days we had more sexual contact then in the months prior. i still spoke to that person online but it was different. my boyfriend checked my phone one night and read all the old texts between me and this person, that were extremely inappropriate, he saw me say things to a stranger that i didn't even say to him anymore. when i was saying those things, it was more about wanting to say them, then about who i was saying them to. there is only 1 man i have ever loved and he was the one i was thinking of when i was saying sweet things, and talking about love. I had an emotional affair. but i was not in
love with this person, i loved the attention, i loved being loved, that is very different.

he finally told me about the phone, and the texts
he read, and we talked and had a few drinks and for hours we had the most real talk we had in years. i told him i would stop, and i would never speak to anyone like that again, i told him i loved him from the bottom of my heart and he told me he loved me and we talked about things we both want and we talked about how to make this better. 

After that talk, its like everything changed, i was happier then we have been in years, i started telling him everyday that i love him and we started really kissing again, and it felt like everything was finally getting better. he started thinking more about the future and he worked on his resume and even got some work in the field of his choice, it felt like we were growing up, and it was amazing.

we were getting closer and closer to our anniversary and it was about to be the happiest anniversary in a long time. i noticed he was being a little distant, in the following days i asked, but i tried not to push too much, but it was the night before our 13th anniversary and i just needed to know what was happening. i pushed and he yelled at me, we both took a few hours and then i asked him if he wanted to talk.

we talked a little bit and went to sleep, the next day... our anniversary, it was awkward, and he was upset, and i just wanted to make him feel better. eventually he went out to run errands, but he really just needed some time away. that night he slept on the couch. the next day, we talked a little more and that night he went out with friends, i stayed up all night waiting, and for the first time ever.. he didn't come home.

since that night he hasn't been sleeping at home, and he says he doesn't know if he can ever trust me again, and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. he told me the mistakes he made were when we were young, just teenagers. now we are older and i should have known better. 

hes being really cold towards me now, and barely coming by the house at all, for the first time i don't see him everyday. he says he needs space, and hes trying to find out who he is, outside of us, and that he might want to break up for good. he is convinced that eventually things would just go back to how they used to be and he is so wrong, i have never been so sure of anything, as i am on this, i would never hurt him again, and never treat him like anything less then the love of my life

I deleted every text or picture or contact, i cut ties with anyone i talked to online, not for him, but because i don't need that anymore, i don't need to hide anymore, there is only 1 thing i want and there is only 1 person that i want to spend the rest of my life with. Since then i have had no desire whatsoever to go back to what i was doing.

for the first time i can see everything so clearly, i can see how wrong i was for long, and how amazing he really is. i see how much i love him, and how much i want to spend the rest of my life with him, trying to make him as happy as he makes me. i know that i messed up and i know that hes hurt and he doesn't think he can ever trust me again, and i know because i have felt that way also. 

So now I'm left begging the love of my life to give me one chance to prove to him that all the changes hes wanted, have finally happened. I want to show him how much he means to me every single day, and how in love i am with him and show him the respect he deserves, because he is the best person i know.

I took the only man i will ever love, for granted and now i am losing him, i need to show him that nothing like this could ever happen again, and im willing to do anything just to have him in my life. Im worried that the longer he stays away, the less chance i have of earning him back. I want him to be happy, and either way he will be happy, but i cant imagine a life without him, a life of regret and missing him, and mourning for my only love, and my only chance at happiness.

its only been a week and it feels like an eternity. any advice is appreciated


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry for what you're going through. Just a thought but maybe some time apart may do the both of you guys some good? Sounds like you've been pretty involved since you were both very young. That can be a double edged sword for a lot of couples.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Sounds like you guys have been headed in opposite directions for a long time.

You may not realize it now but it's probably the best thing to happen to both of you.

You met young, these things usually don't last. 

Grief, recover, move on. In that order.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are acting/reacting in a panic. Calm down - as hard as it may seem to do so, being calm and reflective is a smart thing to do. I agree that now is a good time to re-evaluate yourself, your bf, and your relationship. 

If it is possible, move out for a week or so. Be reflective. You have a whole lifetime ahead. The fact you two haven't married is somewhat telling of how your relationship has gone. Stay off the booze if you've been so inclined.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't take this the wrong way, but how old are the two of you now?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

thanks for the responses!

I know that time away can help, its been a week since hes slept at home. I'm just worried that with him being gone it will seem easier to get over me than to get over the pain ive caused, if that makes any sense. 

we aren't legally married, but the reasons where mostly financial.. holding off for that perfect wedding and honeymoon. hes always worn a ring and in the months before this happened, hes mentioned a few times that just going to city hall and making it official would be enough. we were also setting goals to start having children in the next couple years.

in the last week all i have done is reflect, i see so many things ive done wrong, so many things i want to do differently, but he is convinced if he lets me back in i would eventually go back to my old ways, but i cant prove to him that i can be better, if hes not around to see the changes.


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

were both 26.. i know we were very young, and thats part of the problem. He told me he knows who we are, but he doesn't know who he is. he admitted that i never stopped him from having his own life outside of the relationship, and that he chose to focus on us. 

now that hes trying to figure out who is as an individual, he said that he is worried if we get back together now, and something happens in 10 or 20 years.. it will be even harder to figure out.

its very likely that he will leave for good, and i know people move on everyday, but now that i can see everything so clearly, ill forever have regret and guilt and part of me will always be waiting for him to come back. 

I love him so much, i feel compelled to fight for him, to earn his trust and love back, i just dont know how to do it.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

imissyou said:


> thanks for the responses!
> 
> I'm just worried that with him being gone it will seem easier to get over me than to get over the pain ive caused, if that makes any sense.


This is misconception about men. The more you are away from him and don't contact him, the more he'll think about you. DO NOT contact him. Stay in your self-care bubble. Do what you must but keep to yourself and take care of yourself and eventually start taking steps to your future without him. You'll be better off if and when he does come back around - again don't count on this scenario - but get more grounded in your life.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

imissyou said:


> in the last week all i have done is reflect, i see so many things ive done wrong, so many things i want to do differently, but he is convinced if he lets me back in i would eventually go back to my old ways, but i cant prove to him that i can be better, if hes not around to see the changes.


Cultivate being a woman of mystery. Seriously. Eventually he may get curious about you. But I promise you are not going to be able to talk this kind of "sense" into him. It may make "logical" sense to you, but if you approach him, you'll blow it. Let him approach. He's the one that has to muster up the trust to do that. It is impossible for you to talk him into it. He has to decide. Let him be the man. If he doesn't come back treat it as a life lesson and move on, forgiving yourself completely.

And let him do all the discovering of himself that he wants to do. You wouldn't want him coming back before he feels satisfied with a self-understanding. You don't want half of a person. But don't put your life on hold either. Start making yourself whole without him too. Give yourself a reasonable time table about when you will start to move on, when you will start to make your life plans without him. Start brainstorming in your head about them now and also start mingling with others. Just do stuff and circulate and find other things that hold your attention if only for a little bit. You must do this for yourself to help the time pass but also gradually let him go. That's what he wants and you love him right? Love him in this way and you will love yourself more too.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

You come across as being much too dependant on him, and also a helpless romantic  

It may seem like the end of the world to you now, if you breakup...but things generally turn out for the best!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

There is very big world out there for you to see. A lot of interesting people to meet and talk to. Maybe you could find new work and help people on the weekends. Just thoughts from an old man. David


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

swetecynamome said:


> This is misconception about men. The more you are away from him and don't contact him, the more he'll think about you. DO NOT contact him.


That is fine if he doesn't/hasn't met anyone else in the mean time. There are some red flags here. OP is so focused on what she has done that she is not seeing that the distance and the staying away from home could mean that he is seeing someone else.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> That is fine if he doesn't/hasn't met anyone else in the mean time. There are some red flags here. OP is so focused on what she has done that she is not seeing that the distance and the staying away from home could mean that he is seeing someone else.


I understand, but does she really have control over his choices?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sure you know this but I just want to remind you. You can only control YOU --- not him. So, as difficult as I know it is, let him have space. And work on yourself.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You are minimizing your affair, you call it an emotional affair - your boyfriend caught you having phone sex. The affair went on for 2 years, that's not just a bad decision - that's 2 years of living a lie, for 2 years you chose another guy - that's a lot for a guy to handle. And given that you have been checked out of the relationship for a very long time, he is probably questioning your entire history together.

I understand that you were hurt when as teenagers he broke up with you, but that's what teenagers do - and you punished him for years by being emotionally unavailable. You need to consider that separating may be the healthiest thing for both of you. Work on yourself, heal, seek counseling. Let him go. Maybe he can work through it, and maybe he's just done. It's his choice now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You had a 2 year affair, I love you's were exchanged and he caught you having phone sex!

And you've been talking about having kids with him.

How can he know that you I love yous to the OM are lies but the ones you give him are true? He can't except through actions. Trouble is the phone sex is a clear action and it strongly confirms to him that you meant what you said other wise you would not be having sex with the 
OM.

Btw, phone sex is sex, so you are beyond simple EA territory.

I think the only way you have any chance is to demonstrate through actions that he can trust you.

1. Go offline, no games, no social media. You can have an email account to which you give him the password. 
2. Have him put a key logger on the pc so he can verify you aren't sneaking off to have cyber sex.
3. Be the perfect loyal partner, make sure he knows he is your one and only priority.

Wait and hope he starts to believe you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would like to mention that staying away and out of his hair might be advisable if you hadn't cheated. Since you did cheat, this is not usually what men want. If you read here and ask the BHs what they expect to experience from their WSs, very many of them will tell you that silence indicates lack of remorse or interest to them.

That being said, your relationship started in great immaturity and you don't really know anything else. Neither does he. I also suspect that he has found another woman. You may need to start wrapping your mind around the prospect of a future without him, however hard that is.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

13 yrs never married why?


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I would like to mention that staying away and out of his hair might be advisable if you hadn't cheated. Since you did cheat, this is not usually what men want. If you read here and ask the BHs what they expect to experience from their WSs, very many of them will tell you that silence indicates lack of remorse or interest to them.


Interesting. I thought she'd already pursued it and tried to convince him and he wanted none of it. I wouldn't have thought the betraying spouse wanted to be bothered more. Maybe the other measures, such as those mentioned above to "prove" her faithfulness and devotion make sense in certain situations.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

swetecynamome said:


> I understand, but does she really have control over his choices?


No. I just see some red flags about him that she is missing.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

southernsurf said:


> 13 yrs never married why?


Uhhh... probably because they have only been in the relationship as ADULTS for... oh, about 9 years? And not everyone gets married in their 20s (OP herself stated they are 26).


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

swetecynamome said:


> Interesting. I thought she'd already pursued it and tried to convince him and he wanted none of it. I wouldn't have thought the betraying spouse wanted to be bothered more. Maybe the other measures, such as those mentioned above to "prove" her faithfulness and devotion make sense in certain situations.


The words that many of these men use is 'begging, on her knees, crying her eyes out.' Many of them actually talk about the 'snot coming out of her nose sobbing.' And the WS should not give up. In short, the desperate pleas and penitence go some way toward showing remorse for betraying the relationship. A kind of leveling of the field after a terrible humiliation.

So, no, they don't seem to want distance and silence, even when they've said they do much of the time.

The other measures certainly. She needs to work on addressing the infidelity for both their sakes and also work on herself. This was a long affair and she did not treat her partner with respect or love. She has become a person who is not worthy of his trust.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I would like to mention that staying away and out of his hair might be advisable if you hadn't cheated. Since you did cheat, this is not usually what men want. *If you read here and ask the BHs what they expect to experience from their WSs, very many of them will tell you that silence indicates lack of remorse or interest to them.*


:iagree:

It does.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> The words that many of these men use is 'begging, on her knees, crying her eyes out.' Many of them actually talk about the 'snot coming out of her nose sobbing.'



I guess I misread this. I thought she did that. So you are recommending more, more, more....ok


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imissyou,

Why are you trying to hold on to a relationship with a man you were so unhappy with? He did to meet you needs or even care to.

So move on. Find someone who can meet your needs.

Before you get into another relationship, read the resources listed below for building a passionate marriage. You need to learn what to do to make a reltionship work.


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> That is fine if he doesn't/hasn't met anyone else in the mean time. There are some red flags here.


I see how it can look like hes found someone else, because hes been staying away, but we have talked about it and we both agree its been 13 years together.. and 1 week apart. getting into a rebound relationship now would be silly for either of us.




Aunt Ava said:


> and you punished him for years by being emotionally unavailable.


This.
is something Ive been thinking about a lot, i was punishing him, and i finally realize that. I forgave him a long time ago, but i think i was scared that if he knew i forgave him, he would do it again. Also i think part of me just liked the feeling of him trying to "win" me back all those years. 




Shaggy said:


> Trouble is the phone sex is a clear action and it strongly confirms to him that you meant what you said other wise you would not be having sex with the
> OM.
> 
> Btw, phone sex is sex, so you are beyond simple EA territory.
> ...


i know the phone sex, takes it to another level, and i dont want to defend it, it was absolutely wrong. 

but it doesn't confirm my feelings for the other person because in all honestly, it wasn't about who was on the other side of the phone call, it was about someone being there, and me not being alone. selfish, i know.

The 3 steps have of course already occurred to me, but the thing is.. i never once used a password to hide what i was doing, no passwords on my phone at all. and hes always known my password for email and the online games i played. he knew i spent a lot of time talking to this person, and hes expressed that he wishes he didn't enable me. i wish he would have put his foot down and said i was his and he wouldn't share me.

i have since stopped talking to anyone online, playing those games, and my only use of the computer since this happened has been in search of advice. and have had zero desire to go back to what i was doing.



alte Dame said:


> she did not treat her partner with respect or love. She has become a person who is not worthy of his trust.


I think the lack of respect i have shown him over the years, hurts as much as the affair, maybe more. at one point arguments would get so intense i would put him down, threaten to leave, and make him feel bad. as i look back on it, i honestly regret every harsh word i ever spoke to him. 

I thought it was only because I was still angry, and when i would do and say those things, he would beg me to stay, and tell me he loves me, and for a while after that we would be happy.. until we argued again. 

Now i think a big part of it was also that i do have insecurities and self esteem issues. I think i was afraid that if i told him how amazing he is everyday, and i built up his ego, one day he would realize it and wonder why he was with me in the first place. 

Instead of fearing that hes too good for me, i want to work on myself so i can be the woman that deserves him, Im just worried he will give up before he sees any of the changes.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's boring to date someone for so long and then marry them. That's what you found out. What you have to do is look to the future... Meet someone, get excited, fall in love, get married.... Experience life.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

imissyou said:


> it was about someone being there, and me not being alone....he knew i spent a lot of time talking to this person, and hes expressed that he wishes he didn't enable me. i wish he would have put his foot down and said i was his and he wouldn't share me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It sounds like you were alone to begin with, even in the relationship, and that he didn't try to intervene says something. Why go back to a relationship in which you feel alone? And in which there is just so much drama? You are not married yet. Elegirl has provided some good resources to help the healing, I'm going to check them out too. It is good you are taking responsibilities for your words and your actions. We all need to do that. But learn, forgive yourself, and move on. Sometimes, I think this was true for me, when we are young we can create such messes because we don't totally know who we are yet but the good news is the messes haven't created long term damage as far as I can see, just an opportunity to learn something.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

p.s. Please trust me on this: Loneliness inside a marriage is even worse than loneliness outside of a marriage. Work on yourself and wait for that man who will really like you for you, and both of you can learn to pay attention to one another because hopefully you'll find someone who's motivated to keep it together just as much as you will be. When you start a married life being happy rather than torn, upset, uncertain there's a better chance for this. As hard as it is to believe, there will be another special someone out there for you if you allow the healing to take place in you and take some time to reflect. Time is on your side.


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

swetecynamome said:


> It sounds like you were alone to begin with, even in the relationship, and that he didn't try to intervene says something. Why go back to a relationship in which you feel alone? And in which there is just so much drama? You are not married yet. Elegirl has provided some good resources to help the healing, I'm going to check them out too. It is good you are taking responsibilities for your words and your actions. We all need to do that. But learn, forgive yourself, and move on. Sometimes, I think this was true for me, when we are young we can create such messes because we don't totally know who we are yet but the good news is the messes haven't created long term damage as far as I can see, just an opportunity to learn something.



I know, and I hear what you're saying, but I am still in love with him. He could have put his foot down, he could have done more.. but I shouldn't have needed him to. I'm the one that closed up emotionally, I am responsible for pushing him away and probably losing him completely, how could i forgive myself for that?

There is an update though, last night he slept at home for the first time in a week. He insisted one of us sleep on the couch, so of course I volunteered, at least he was here, that gave me hope, even though he wont be sleeping here tonight. We talked for a while, and i think we found the reason why he hasn't come home.

He told me there is a part of him that wants to make it work, a part that still wants to be with me, and that he still loves me. He also said that the times i have put him down or called him names during our many fights, is actually bothering him more then anything else, and he had always ignored it but the EA brought it all to the surface, all at once. 

He is finally taking control of his life, not just with me, it started with work, and hes trying to be strong. he says the part of him that wants to fix this is weak, and hes fighting it because he hasn't figured out a way to forgive me, be with me, and still respect himself, and see himself as strong. I can see his point, and i know he has told a few of his friends and family about what happened, i think he is concerned how they will look at him, at us. before this our problems were private and everyone thought we were the "perfect couple"

So I am even more confused then before, i cant just give up.

i don't know if there is a way he can come back without feeling like he is swallowing his pride, too much. but if there is anything i can do to save us, i would do it.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

What if you lived separately right now. Perhaps that would allow him the chance to save face and think about things. And maybe you need to think about things too. And I guess, according to the other posters, he would somehow have to be allowed to monitor you to prove you are true to your word, so I'm not sure how that would work if you lived separately. I'm not convinced that applies since you're not married but it seems I know little about these things. But maybe you could back the relationship up just a bit and put some more parameters on it, be disciplined about your time together and what happens in that time - just winging it here - and setting very firm ground rules on the way you talk to one another and treat each other. Involve a third party, a minister and/or therapist or other spiritual leader or social worker or family therapist who can help you. And continue working on developing yourself as a person. That should never change. You should be able to be ok without him.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You pose some tough questions. If you have the proverbial one night stand or short encounter, you confess to making a mistake. Here, you have been doing this for a prolonged period of time. As others note, you first have to reflect to yourself, do you want to be with this person for the rest of your life in a monagamous relationship. If you're not sure, maybe some time apart would not be the worst thing. 

If you are sure, then I would apologize, and tell him you are sorry. Perhaps you don't want to stalk and may have to give him some time to think, but simply work on telling him it's all done and will not continue


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

we are still living separately.. today is day 9, i know thats not long but it feels like an eternity.

he is staying at his moms during this time because she is away, but shes is expected home any day now and I'm not sure if he will continue to stay there at that point.

he has mentioned looking for a small place, or even just a room he can rent elsewhere, but i asked him to give it a bit more time before he does that.

at this point i would LOVE if he monitored my activities, online or in real life, because i have absolutely nothing to hide, there has been no contact with the OM since, and never will again. but he has always been able to monitor me as he always had all my passwords, access to my phone and computer which don't have passwords on them in the first place. I have also had a program called LogMeIN on my computer for years (for remote assistance needs)

when I told him that i cut off contact completely he said it was a "nice gesture" but that it didn't make a huge impact on the way he feels. A few days after he left, we spent a night babysitting our niece (prior commitment) and i was purposely leaving my phone around, not carrying it with me. at one point he handed me my phone and admitted that he did check to see if all texts/pictures were actually gone. he still seemed neutral about it though.

he is convinced this would happen again and i don't blame him for thinking that, but this was the wake up call for me. only time will prove how serious i am about him, about spending my life with him and only him, and devoting my life to making him happy, and hopefully one day he will forgive me. 

right now he seems more bothered by things that have been said in arguments, names i have called him, or times that ive put him down. ive explained to him that it was my personal issues, depression, self esteem, and anger, that caused me to treat him that way and also caused me to be blind to how much it actually effected him. 

I have started telling him how i really feel about him, how amazing and smart and strong he really is, and all he says is that he wishes i had said those things a long time ago, i do also.

I know that over time, the new respectful, loving way i treat him can eventually erase the pain caused by my past words, at least i hope it can.

at this point i'm not asking him to just come home and forgive me and ive only asked for time to prove myself. his internal conflict between the part that wants this to work and the part that doesn't is tearing him apart, hes getting colder and he doesn't see a way out of the pain, sometimes he doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I just want a chance to prove myself.. for this i would do anything. any ideas?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

imissyou said:


> I just want a chance to prove myself.. for this i would do anything. any ideas?


You're probably just going to have to back off, give him some time, and hope for the best. The more you pressure him the more likely you are to just chase him off. Be cordial yet indifferent, answer any questions he might have if he asks them no matter how many times or no matter how much you're sick of hearing them, be willing to have full transparency if he decides to work on things, and if he's willing to come back you two need to sit down discuss what you BOTH want and set boundries for each other.

You might want to start seeing a therapist too if you aren't already.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Be cordial yet indifferent, answer any questions he might have if he asks them no matter how many times or no matter how much you're sick of hearing them, be willing to have full transparency if he decides to work on things, and if he's willing to come back you two need to sit down discuss what you BOTH want and set boundries for each other.
> 
> You might want to start seeing a therapist too if you aren't already.



Regain your composure around him. It sounds like you've already done the kind of begging recommended by others in this thread. Be kind and cordial - as stated above - but at this point, he needs to be allowed to make his choices. If he doesn't choose you, you'll know how powerfully words - no matter their reason for having been spoken - and actions can effect a relationship. This, combined with therapy, may be relationship basic training.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You blew it. Let him go. Learn from your mistakes and try not to make the same mistakes with your next partner.

Boyfriends and girlfriends are replaceable.


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

You both are not married till date & were/are planning in the future. To gain his confidence & for you to have more confidence in him why don't you both come to a Prenuptial agreement. You can suggest the same to him.


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

i know we aren't legally married, but after 13 years.. i feel the only difference is that he doesn't have to do any paperwork in order to leave me.

chances are it is too late for us, and that breaks my heart. ive done so much begging, pleading, negotiating, i told him why i acted a certain way, and why im sure i can change.

nothing worked, everyday he seemed more and more cold towards me. he still passes by frequently to get stuff, spend time with our cats, and i do think he misses me and our home.

its been 11 days and almost everyday ive texted him to see if hes coming by that day or not, on Saturday when i texted him he was being colder then usual, to the point of being rude. i pointed this out to him, and he said "no matter how much small talk we have, its still over" 

this was the first time he gave me a clear decisive answer, rather the the usual "im not sure/i don't know" i feel like he just ended a 13 year relationship through a text. at that point i stopped texting him and he continued, he apologized, he said he was stressed and he said he would come by tomorrow(Sunday) to maybe have dinner and talk. that night i went out for the first time since this happened.

yesterday was the first time i was not sitting there depressed when he showed up, i was up and cleaning the house, there was music blasting and i was smiling and dancing.

i didn't say anything when he came in and he didn't either he went into the bedroom and i heard the door slam, then him hit the wall. i did my own thing and he eventually came out, and started making some food, he offered to make me some and i politely declined

once he was done i asked him to sit at the table with me, and i was all business. we both agreed to pay one more month rent on this apartment, to give each other a month to find a place. I showed him the letters i wrote to the landlord, informing him that he have to break the lease, and asked him to sign it, he seemed unsure and he didn't sign them but he did take them. i also told him i want to keep the cats and that i would like for him to sign a paper stating that also. then came division of assets.. that's when he said "what happened to you?", i acted confused and he said "you've changed" i just explained that since it is officially over, i have to start planning for my future, and there was something i always wanted to do, and now im finally going to do it. i didn't tell him what it is.


now that i was all business he wanted to talk, so i let him.
the highlights include the fact that it was the first time i saw real emotion in him since this happened, i did tear up at a few points but this time i was not the one crying,(even though i wanted to) he again said that he wishes he would have brought up my behavior a long time ago, told me to change or i might lose him. i simply told him that if he said that i would have changed and that part of us would be in the past. he made a few comments about how he is sad, and he misses me, and even said "this doesn't feel right"

to me it seems like now that this is getting real, he might be wondering if he is making the right decision, anger can make people jump to decisions they may later regret.

I will not get my hopes up about him coming back, but just maybe, he will.

i feel like this approach worked way better then begging, so im trying my best to be strong and show him that i can survive this.. even though im not so sure.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just don't push the coldness too far, or he will see your prior tears as nothing but a manipulation to get him back into the relationship, which part of them were in reality.

If you now suddenly together and dancing happy, he'll never believe you had any remorse at all.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Dancing and singing with your 'new life' just rubs his face in it. You want an 'approach that will work.' Why not try being a genuine, kind, loving person? Someone who respects him and misses him and takes it all seriously. When I say that begging for another chance in the wake of awful behavior is something that many people want, it's because the begging is genuine, not an act. For many people, the prostration is real, as well it should be, given the nature of some betrayals.

Your SO is long overdue some real respect from you. Stop trying an 'approach,' and just figure out how to be a decent person to him.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

I dont think dancing and singing was the best approach either. He went and punched the wall, thats how angry he was in seeing you so happy. He deserves a lot more respect and stop playing games. First loves hurt a lot when they break up. You still need to show remorse and understanding for his pain, its only been about a week. You see now what you should of done differently, but if you were so lonely you had a two year affair maybe it is time to move on. Its hard breaking an attachment from teen years into adulthood but it seems like you both have been checked out for two years. If he really loves you and can forgive you, he will come back. If hes done theres nothing you can do. Both of you are hurting, but you need to do a lot to gain his trust back. Dont go wild on the town and mess this up further. No one deseves what you did, god I can feel his pain! Dont make light of it, better yourself no matter what. 

Side note: you should of made him dinner. You got to put some effort into him. Him offering to make you dinner and you said no? Stop beating him up.
I wish the best for you two and i understand the hurt on both sides.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

All of a sudden said:


> Side note: you should of made him dinner. You got to put some effort into him. Him offering to make you dinner and you said no? Stop beating him up.


Disagree. He wants out, let him get a taste of what it's like to not have her around cooking him dinner or joining him for dinner he's made.


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Just don't push the coldness too far, or he will see your prior tears as nothing but a manipulation to get him back into the relationship, which part of them were in reality.
> 
> If you now suddenly together and dancing happy, he'll never believe you had any remorse at all.


I should probably clarify that singing and dancing while cleaning is a regular routine for me, it was more about appearing normal, now I am worried that I appeared too "happy" because i'm not happy at all.



alte Dame said:


> Dancing and singing with your 'new life' just rubs his face in it. You want an 'approach that will work.' Why not try being a genuine, kind, loving person? Someone who respects him and misses him and takes it all seriously. When I say that begging for another chance in the wake of awful behavior is something that many people want, it's because the begging is genuine, not an act. For many people, the prostration is real, as well it should be, given the nature of some betrayals.
> 
> Your SO is long overdue some real respect from you. Stop trying an 'approach,' and just figure out how to be a decent person to him.


I completely agree, during the last week and a half, when i wasn't begging for another chance, I was telling him exactly how I feel about him, how much i love and respect him and how much i regret not showing it before. I told him how amazing he is, and everything i love him about it. i told him all of the things i should have been saying daily, because its always been how i felt. 
I told him that i want to work on myself because i want to be the woman that deserves him.

mostly he just said it was nice to hear and he wished i would have said it a long time ago. 



All of a sudden said:


> I dont think dancing and singing was the best approach either. He went and punched the wall, thats how angry he was in seeing you so happy. He deserves a lot more respect and stop playing games. First loves hurt a lot when they break up. You still need to show remorse and understanding for his pain, its only been about a week. You see now what you should of done differently, but if you were so lonely you had a two year affair maybe it is time to move on. Its hard breaking an attachment from teen years into adulthood but it seems like you both have been checked out for two years. If he really loves you and can forgive you, he will come back. If hes done theres nothing you can do. Both of you are hurting, but you need to do a lot to gain his trust back. Dont go wild on the town and mess this up further. No one deseves what you did, god I can feel his pain! Dont make light of it, better yourself no matter what.
> 
> Side note: you should of made him dinner. You got to put some effort into him. Him offering to make you dinner and you said no? Stop beating him up.
> I wish the best for you two and i understand the hurt on both sides.


i know it wasn't the best approach but i feel like ive tried just being honest and showing him the ways i have already changed, telling him about the issues i have that caused me to act certain ways and my plans on how to fix them. He was getting more and more cold.

also, it might be worth mentioning that i knew the OM for 2 years.. the EA was about 6 months.. i know, still a long time.

His sister and I are good friends, shes been neutral so far but made it clear she wants him to be happy, but she also values me as her friend and her daughters favorite aunt. On Saturday we had a "girls day" and just talked. she mentioned that hes really hurt and angry right now and shes afraid he might calm down and regret not trying to work through this. she also said right now she thinks he is "all talk" and that i should change my approach to make the break up.. the idea of a life without me in it.. more real. 

the logic was if he really is done, nothing will change that, and if he has doubts this might make him rethink the situation.

As for the dinner thing, i haven't really been eating(i know its bad) so i didn't decline to be rude, im also just trying to give him space.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

swetecynamome said:


> p.s. Please trust me on this: Loneliness inside a marriage is even worse than loneliness outside of a marriage. Work on yourself and wait for that man who will really like you for you, and both of you can learn to pay attention to one another because hopefully you'll find someone who's motivated to keep it together just as much as you will be. When you start a married life being happy rather than torn, upset, uncertain there's a better chance for this. As hard as it is to believe, there will be another special someone out there for you if you allow the healing to take place in you and take some time to reflect. Time is on your side.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
Loneliness inside a marriage is worse, I know I am living in it..


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

I don't understand any of this.  I don't understand why you apparently held him responsible for not stopping you when you were acting out. Why is he responsible for your actions? Do you blame him for your affair? This is a very confusing thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

ladybird said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> Loneliness inside a marriage is worse, I know I am living in it..


Im sorry to hear that. it wasn't always lonely and it really started to get bad when i started pulling away, Im sure he was very lonely too, we both ignored the issue. now that i know that, i would make communication a priority.



spudster said:


> I don't understand any of this. I don't understand why you aPparently held him responsible for not stopping you when you were acting out. Why is he responsible for your actions? Do you blame him for your affair? This is a very confusing thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont hold him responsible for the way i acted, I was wrong. I just wish he would have called me out on it, so this wake up call would have come sooner, he has said the same thing.

I definitely don't blame him for the affair, that was me trying to escape my issues, both personal and relationship. I just meant that he knew, and part of me wanted him to put a stop to it, to say Im his, he wont share, or anything that would show he cared. maybe thats why I never hid anything.

so I wanted him to be jealous, or to fight for me, its selfish and i shouldnt have needed that.

but now i dont need that, now i want to be the one that fights for him because this is my fault, i love him and he is worth it.

Sorry if its confusing, my mind has been racing. Im seeing everything differently and its a lot to take in.


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## WTHiswrong (Feb 18, 2013)

hope everything works out for the best. 13 years is a long time even if you weren't married. good luck


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

WTHiswrong said:


> hope everything works out for the best. 13 years is a long time even if you weren't married. good luck



Thank you very much, i appreciate it


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

imissyou said:


> i didn't say anything when he came in and he didn't either he went into the bedroom and i heard the door slam, then him hit the wall.


First fail: not engaging him and ignoring him when he came in. No wonder he hit the wall.



imissyou said:


> i did my own thing and he eventually came out, and started making some food, he offered to make me some and *i politely declined*


Next fail: Rejecting his offer of food. His offer was rejected, therefore he felt rejected. 



imissyou said:


> once he was done i asked him to sit at the table with me, and *i was all business*. we both agreed to pay one more month rent on this apartment, to give each other a month to find a place. *I showed him the letters i wrote to the landlord, informing him that he have to break the lease, and asked him to sign it*,


For someone who wants to R, you played it cool, like you've already moved on already. Making it seem like signing divorce papers.



imissyou said:


> he seemed unsure and he didn't sign them but he did take them.


See? Despite him saying it's over, he's wavering. But you continued to reject him with this:



imissyou said:


> i also told him *i want to keep the cats and that i would like for him to sign a paper stating that also*. then came division of assets.. that's when he said "what happened to you?", i acted confused and he said "you've changed" *i just explained that since it is officially over, i have to start planning for my future, and there was something i always wanted to do, and now im finally going to do it*. i didn't tell him what it is.


Yes, he noticed you became cold, and ready to move on as if your 13 year relationship meant nothing to you. You're the one who cheated and yet you're treating him this way.



imissyou said:


> now that i was all business he wanted to talk, so i let him.
> the highlights include the fact that it was the first time i saw real emotion in him since this happened, i did tear up at a few points but this time i was not the one crying,(even though i wanted to) he again said that he wishes he would have brought up my behavior a long time ago, told me to change or i might lose him. i simply told him that if he said that i would have changed and that part of us would be in the past. he made a few comments about how he is sad, and he misses me, and even said "this doesn't feel right"


Wow. It was up to him to stop your cheating? Seriously? And if he did, would you have called him controlling and insecure? Because many betrayed spouses bring up their cheating partner's behavior and in turn get called controlling, jealous, and insecure. Think hard, would you have done that too? I think this is just another way of blameshifting and rationalizing your affair as many cheaters do.

He's wavering and now it's obvious to him that you're pushing him away. You're not truly remorseful about your affair. If you were, you would be moving heaven and earth to keep him. Instead, you show you're ready to move on as if he was the one who cheated on you.



imissyou said:


> to me it seems like now that this is getting real, he might be wondering if he is making the right decision, anger can make people jump to decisions they may later regret.


What you're doing is manipulating him. I suggest you give the link to this forum, so he can get good advice.



imissyou said:


> i feel like this approach worked way better then begging, so im trying my best to be strong and show him that i can survive this.. even though im not so sure.


This approach? What you're doing is the 180, *as if you're the BS*, when *you're the one who cheated*. 



imissyou said:


> but now i dont need that, now i want to be the one that fights for him because this is my fault, i love him and he is worth it.


If my fWW did what you're doing, R would not even be on the table. It would be straight to D. If that's the way you fight for someone, then I'd hate to see how you were pushing him away. 

If I was him, I'd run for the hills. You want him back? Then you had better start fighting for him for real. Your manipulation tactics might work, but then he'll begin to resent you and eventually he may cheat on you or he may leave later on.


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> First fail: not engaging him and ignoring him when he came in. No wonder he hit the wall.
> 
> Next fail: Rejecting his offer of food. His offer was rejected, therefore he felt rejected.
> 
> ...


thanks for your input!

i would like the further explain a few good points you made, and show my actual intention.

it has been almost 2 weeks, every other time he has come by the house, Ive greeted him, tried to talk about how his day was, the usual small talk we would always do when he got home. I would then offer to make him dinner, offer him a fresh batch of his favorite cookies, i was concerned about whether or not hes been eating well. I barely got one word answers from him, he declined any offers i made, and got more cold the more i tried.

I did play it cool, as hard as it was, i barely held it together, and almost burst in to tears and begged him to stay, several times. 

I did it, not because i want to move on, but because its very convenient for him right now, he has a free available apartment to stay at, and knows that at any point he could come home and not only would i welcome him, but i would be doing everything to make sure he never wanted to leave again.

It might also be worth mentioning that i was following advice given by his sister, she has been his biggest support system through all this. She mentioned that he seems to be "all talk" right now, and its not "real" right now, and when he actually ended the relationship(by text), she was worried that once everything became real and he saw me preparing for a life without him, he would look past his anger and figure out if this is really what he wants, or if he is just trying to get his "power" back, by hurting me, or if he just needs space and not a full break up. 

I didnt want to appear cold, i just wanted to appear more together then I have been lately. Our relationship means everything to me, i would do anything to save it, hense the new "approach"

Begging didnt work, facing my issues, explaining them and my plans to fix them didnt work, taking the steps and making changes didnt work. every word seemed to push him away. I was at a complete loss, until this new advice.

As for the affair, no it wasn't up to him to stop me, i should have never let it start.

do i wish he would have cared about messages he saw? yes
do i wish he would have been bothered enough to tell me to stop? yes
I shouldn't have needed to see that he cares but i did, i wanted him to "claim" me, or tell me to stop talking to the OM.

but somehow that doesn't seem to be his issue now, maybe because he knows that I have no more contact with the OM or anyone online, even friends.

he says the affair brought the other problem to the surface, all at once, he is struggling with the lack of respect I have shown him over the years.. during arguments. It was always during fights, but i was still so angry for his infidelity when we were young. Instead of getting over that anger it just became part of me, and it wasn't until the prospect of actually losing him, that the anger i had is finally gone.

I want to make sure the anger doesn't eat away at him the same way, i want to help him overcome it, and i want us to end up being stronger and happier after this. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to him, and making him happy, he is the love of my life.

so what do you suggest? more begging, explaining, and apologizing? 

or just give him space, and not talk about it when i do see him, and wait to see if he comes back?

Im currently working on changing things about me, to make me a better person, which would also make me a better partner. 

Only my actions can prove how sincere I am, but if hes not here to see that.. i dont know how else to show him how different it can be, now that all of our issues are finally out, and we can finally work on them together.

Also, he knows about this thread, and we read over it together when we talk(i dont think he checks it on his own). so any advice for him is welcome also.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seeing you cry might help. If he sees you being stoic, he may take that as you're not all that invested in him.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Wow! Simply wow.

I would re-read the last post by lordmayhem. It is dead on.

You are hauntly familiar. You sound like my exWW.

The blame you place on him for not stopping your affair is a type of test. It is often called a sh!t test. Yours was especially awful. You should read up on the topic.

You sound like the game is still on, with him having to prove his love. 

I don't say this to make you feel badly it is said so that you will REFLECT on your actions and learn from them. Maybe the next relationship will be better for both of you.

It is hard to see people suffer while others feel justified in their bad behavior.


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> Seeing you cry might help. If he sees you being stoic, he may take that as you're not all that invested in him.


I figured it would help too. i cried for 11 days straight every time i saw him, i was in absolute pieces. I still am when hes not around.

it seemed to make him more cold? i think he is guarding himself against that because our worst fights have ended with me crying, and him making me feel better.

the time i held it together in front of him, was when he showed emotion, he cried and we talked through it, but all i wanted to do was hug him and cry with him.


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## imissyou (Feb 22, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Wow! Simply wow.
> 
> I would re-read the last post by lordmayhem. It is dead on.
> 
> ...


i appreciate your advice.
I read it several times, and i see what he means.

I don't blame him for the affair, ive said it was my own personal issues that made me insecure, and distanced, and it was me that chose to do that instead of focusing on the issues in the first place.

I admitted that I did it out in the open, because i wanted to get caught, because i wanted him to stop it.. i know its selfish and wrong, but its true, and at this point i have to be honest.

I don't feel justified, i feel like a coward because i hid behind my anger, instead of opening up to him. then i used the EA to get the attention I was missing. Now I see that i was the problem, i wasn't putting anything into the relationship, so i didnt deserve to get anything back.

That testing.. i did it for years, and he proved he loved me over and over, i dont know why i didn't see that.

I dont need to test him anymore, i don't need him to prove anything, Now i just want to prove to him how much i love him.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

You may just need to admit to yourself that this relationship is dead.

Start treating your boyfriend with respect and move on to splitting up with him with as much kindness and goodwill as you can muster. 

Don't look back and have regrets that you allowed this breakup to dissolve into a nasty hate-filled mess.


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