# I ruined my marriage and I want to fix it



## shaken (Nov 22, 2012)

I have ignored my wife for a long time due to depression and various other life issues. She has taken care of me for 8 years now, but monday she told me she was in love with another man and was going to leave. Her signals all this time were either not obvious enough, or I refused to see them. I have been happy this whole time with her. It's just the rest of my life that has gotten me down. Now that things are starting to look up for the first time in our marriage, she is leaving.

I've spent the last 3 days reading everything and anything about what to do, I've tried everything to try and get a chance to change. I've done everything wrong, I got angry and attacked her and the guy, I outted the affair online and made a huge mess of things, I demanded she choose one of us, I begged her to choose me, I tried to guilt her, pursuade her, force her... I'm sure that I have ruined my chances with all of this. She is stubborn and doesn't change her mind for anything, so I don't even know why I think I can. The affair was emotional, it was online with someone some distance away. 

We just signed a year lease on a house 2 months ago... she doesn't have the means to move anywhere yet and I don't have the means to pay for this place myself and still eat. We're going to have to both live here until either the lease is up or our financial situation changes. There are no friends close that I can live with in the meantime. 

I don't know what to do. She has been keeping me together for nearly a decade. I'm sure that I won't die if she leaves, but beyond that, I am not sure that I will be able to move on. I'm losing the last 9 years of my life and I'm going to have nothing to show for it. I can't handle that. I can't imagine being able to try again after she is gone. I'm not that strong. 

For the moment, I'm trying to get her to come to a marriage counselor, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to leave the other man. I can't even look at her without feeling like I have nothing to live for without her. How can I get through to her to give this marriage a chance to mend? If I can't, how am I going to live through the next months and months with her living here happy talking to the other guy, making plans or whatever the hell?

I've pulled what I need into a spare bedroom in the farthest corner of the house I could and I'm hiding in here, I can't face anything or anyone. I tried talking to family but I can't get 2 words out without breaking down in tears...

I need help. It might take me a while to respond if anyone posts here, it took me 2 hours to get to this point writing. I'm sorry if I'm not even making any sense, it's hard to keep my thoughts focused.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds very much like you have relied very heavily on your wife for a long time. If it's true that you were starting to be healthier yourself before this happened & that your wife has nowhere to go for a while, is it possible for you to focus on keeping yourself healthy for now so that you can have the strength to deal with your marriage? Are you in therapy? Are you on medication? Your wife needs you to take care of yourself. You need to take care of yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you posted the OM on cheaterville.com?

how did they meet? Can you expose him as a trash bag that goes after married women there?

Look, by going after him the goal is to drive him off. To get him to dump her to save his own hide.


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## shaken (Nov 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> It sounds very much like you have relied very heavily on your wife for a long time. If it's true that you were starting to be healthier yourself before this happened & that your wife has nowhere to go for a while, is it possible for you to focus on keeping yourself healthy for now so that you can have the strength to deal with your marriage? Are you in therapy? Are you on medication? Your wife needs you to take care of yourself. You need to take care of yourself.


I was in therapy for a while, the shrink and I agreed we had fixed the issues with medication, anti-depressants and ADD medication. The shrink retired and I didn't feel like it was worth starting to try to form a new rapport with someone else if I couldn't really identify any other problems. It takes a while to be above ground when you start so far under ground.

I know I need to stop relying on her so much and stand on my own, but I am having trouble even understanding what is happening and why. I don't understand why she didn't say anything directly if it was so bad. She has no problems telling me directly to take out the trash or that she hates her job and wants to be a homemaker. She tells me every month that she needs a new car. But she doesn't say anything about how she is miserable and wants to leave. It's just unfathomable to me. It's like she is another person all of a sudden. I keep trying to find my wife in there.


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## shaken (Nov 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you posted the OM on cheaterville.com?
> 
> how did they meet? Can you expose him as a trash bag that goes after married women there?
> 
> Look, by going after him the goal is to drive him off. To get him to dump her to save his own hide.


They met online. She is the pursuer and is viciously defending him. I sent him a form email i found somewhere, maybe it was on here, and she snapped at me like I've never seen before. I can't compete with him, he is saying he will move to her home town for her (there are no jobs there, good luck surviving... I tried it for her but we had to move because it was so bad). She apparently saved his life by talking him out of suicide, he thought he had a heart condition and after talking to her, he went back and the condition was gone. It's probably all bull**** but she fervently believes it. Also, she says he has already volunteered to disappear forever if she asked him to.

Anyway, all I have is his email address and maybe his name. I have no idea where he lives. 

I forgot to mention my wife is bi-polar, so this could all be a manic episode. But there is no way to make her see that.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here...... I hope you find solace in the words of others here.

I think it's great you are finding your strength. Its helps to start implementing the 180. Let your wife know that you love her but you will not allow her to cake eat. 
She is getting an emotional fix from this OM. Break up their way of communicating. Get rid of the internet or install a key logger, block his number through your wireless provider. Contact his wife or girlfriend and expose him. Remove ability to text on your wireless plan if you share. 

I know this is not an excuse and maybe a convoluted thought but, maybe she didn't want to complain about herself and her needs when you were struggling with your own issues. This still doesn't condone her actions. 

Also, marriage counseling is a waste as long as she is in contact with OM.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

shaken said:


> I have ignored my wife for a long time due to depression and various other life issues. She has taken care of me for 8 years now, but monday she told me she was in love with another man and was going to leave.


Well, that sounds fairly predictable if you've really ignored her for that long. How do you ignore your wife for 8 years, exactly?



shaken said:


> Her signals all this time were either not obvious enough, or I refused to see them.


If you were ignoring her, you wouldn't see any signals. How were you ignoring her, exactly?



shaken said:


> I have been happy this whole time with her.


Getting plenty of sex? How many kids did she give you?



shaken said:


> It's just the rest of my life that has gotten me down.


Sounds like most people.



shaken said:


> Now that things are starting to look up for the first time in our marriage, she is leaving.


How were they looking up?



shaken said:


> I've spent the last 3 days reading everything and anything about what to do, I've tried everything to try and get a chance to change.


Don't look for a chance to change. Just do it, to coin a phrase. Change your hair (try a flattop very masculine, bold, and dominating), change your clothes (upgrade not downgrade), change your ride, get a chopper, start bodybuilding three days a week. Get rid of the fat around your gut.



shaken said:


> I've done everything wrong, I got angry and attacked her and the guy, I outted the affair online


No, that's exactly the right move.



shaken said:


> and made a huge mess of things, I demanded she choose one of us, I begged her to choose me,


Wrong move. You TELL her to get rid of the other guy or you're getting some new women. You don't ask, and you certainly don't beg. Are you a man or a mouse? Women don't like mice.



shaken said:


> I tried to guilt her, pursuade her, force her... I'm sure that I have ruined my chances with all of this.


Most likely. All that makes you look weak. The only smart move you made was outing them.



shaken said:


> She is stubborn and doesn't change her mind for anything, so I don't even know why I think I can.


It's the way of women. You have a very slim chance to right this boat, but as I say, it's very slim.



shaken said:


> The affair was emotional, it was online with someone some distance away.


How far and how long?



shaken said:


> We just signed a year lease on a house 2 months ago... she doesn't have the means to move anywhere yet and I don't have the means to pay for this place myself and still eat. We're going to have to both live here until either the lease is up or our financial situation changes.


Maybe she'll leave and move in with OM. Unless, there is barbed wire and goon towers around your place, there are plenty of options for both of you.




shaken said:


> I don't know what to do. She has been keeping me together for nearly a decade. I'm sure that I won't die if she leaves, but beyond that, I am not sure that I will be able to move on.


There are plenty of women in the world and another one will be along in five minutes. Them's the facts and you suffer from the disease of oneitis. 



shaken said:


> I'm losing the last 9 years of my life and I'm going to have nothing to show for it.
> I can't handle that.


Sunk cost fallacy. The last 9 years is gone in any circumstance. You only have today and tomorrow to consider.



shaken said:


> I can't imagine being able to try again after she is gone. I'm not that strong.


You said you weren't going to die, so you'll get stronger. The dovchebag Nietzsche and all that.



shaken said:


> For the moment, I'm trying to get her to come to a marriage counselor, but she doesn't want to.


That's fine. Don't speak to her about the relationship anymore, it makes you look like a whining pvssy and increases her already massive contempt for you. No more relationship talk, unless she brings it up. Otherwise, ignore her. You claim to have some experience in that, but I kind of doubt it.



shaken said:


> She doesn't want to leave the other man.


No, she wants to bang the other man.



shaken said:


> I can't even look at her without feeling like I have nothing to live for without her. How can I get through to her to give this marriage a chance to mend?


By ignoring her. I mean really ignoring her. Quit talking relationships and start changing everything about you without acting like her opinions about it matter. By going out constantly without explanation and presenting the illusion that you have hot women just waiting to get with you every night.



shaken said:


> If I can't, how am I going to live through the next months and months with her living here happy talking to the other guy, making plans or whatever the hell?


By giving her something else to think about: 
1. Divorce papers
2. STBXH turning into a babe magnet overnight



shaken said:


> I've pulled what I need into a spare bedroom in the farthest corner of the house I could and I'm hiding in here, I can't face anything or anyone.


What? She cheated, if anybody relocates it's her. You move back in to the master bedroom and move all her crap into the back of the house. Quit being a doormat, it just makes you even less attractive.

I tried talking to family but I can't get 2 words out without breaking down in tears...



shaken said:


> I need help. It might take me a while to respond if anyone posts here, it took me 2 hours to get to this point writing. I'm sorry if I'm not even making any sense, it's hard to keep my thoughts focused.


Don't worry about it. This is the toughest thing you will probably ever experience in your life.



shaken said:


> I was in therapy for a while, the shrink and I agreed we had fixed the issues with medication, anti-depressants and ADD medication. The shrink retired and I didn't feel like it was worth starting to try to form a new rapport with someone else if I couldn't really identify any other problems. It takes a while to be above ground when you start so far under ground.
> 
> I know I need to stop relying on her so much and stand on my own, but I am having trouble even understanding what is happening and why.


She doesn't have any sexual attraction for you. Your behaviors are pretty much bottled Chick Repellant.



shaken said:


> I don't understand why she didn't say anything directly if it was so bad.


That's not the way women work. She's a woman, not a man.



shaken said:


> She has no problems telling me directly to take out the trash or that she hates her job and wants to be a homemaker.


So she wants to stay at home and be the woman. Not surprising. Do you work?



shaken said:


> She tells me every month that she needs a new car.


So buy her one. It will shut her up and make her happy. You get to meet her needs.



shaken said:


> But she doesn't say anything about how she is miserable and wants to leave. It's just unfathomable to me. It's like she is another person all of a sudden. I keep trying to find my wife in there.


You never really knew your wife or any other woman, for that matter. Anyway, she's not in there for the moment and she may be gone forever. You've been breaking all the relationship commandments. Go here and start learning the 16 commandments.


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## shaken (Nov 22, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> I'm sorry you are here...... I hope you find solace in the words of others here.
> 
> I think it's great you are finding your strength. Its helps to start implementing the 180. Let your wife know that you love her but you will not allow her to cake eat.
> She is getting an emotional fix from this OM. Break up their way of communicating. Get rid of the internet or install a key logger, block his number through your wireless provider. Contact his wife or girlfriend and expose him. Remove ability to text on your wireless plan if you share.
> ...


I'm pretty sure he is single, so there's not much I can do there. And all their contact is via email or inside the game they are both playing. I would have to cut the internet completely to block it, and I need it for my job, so I can't do that. Anyway, even if I was able to, she could get me to cease the interruptions or find another way that I couldn't disrupt.

I think the councelling is a waste too while she is talking to him, but I can't convince her myself to stop. There's nothing else I can think of to do at this point but try and bring another person into it to try and convince her. Her parents don't really like me so I can't get help there. Even her shrink says she should leave me because she doesn't have the whole picture. I've been in my hole so long I am out of touch with everything and everyone around her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you're panicking right now & you need to slap yourself out of that as much as possible. If your W is in an online affair with a guy far away, you have certain advantages. First, she doesn't really know him. Second, you're physically there. You say that you and your doctor thought that you were in much better shape, so use that to stiffen your spine and get yourself strong. Work on yourself. In the meantime, follow advice here on how to break up the EA.

(I think someone suggested getting this thread moved to the Coping With Infidelity forum - this is a good idea.)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you talked to the OM? Do you have kids ?


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## shaken (Nov 22, 2012)

Thank you machiavelli for the concise analysis. It's helping me to start organizing my thoughts a little. I'll try and give more info where I can.



Machiavelli said:


> Well, that sounds fairly predictable if you've really ignored her for that long. How do you ignore your wife for 8 years, exactly?


I didn't ignore her for 8 years, but I've been leaning on her for that long. She never said no to me for anything, and did anything and everything I asked. I'm very myopic, big suprise, so I got focused on something and the other things became background noise. I don't know why or how it ended up like it did, maybe because she never said no so I never thought she didn't want to do those things. In her eyes I used her for 8 years, but that's not true. In my eyes, she's been an attentive and generous wife. 



Machiavelli said:


> Getting plenty of sex? How many kids did she give you?


She has a much higher sex drive than I do. Much higher. It's something she has brought up occasionally but she has been pretty direct about it so I assume it wasn't as bad as the ignoring part. But I don't really know for sure. We never had any kids, she had an abusive upbringing and was afraid of ending up doing the same to any children. I am already a child so I never felt a real need for one. It's one of the few things I know for sure we accurately communicated. 



Machiavelli said:


> How were they looking up?


I was given two raises between the annual raise, the last one was a huge move up the pay scale. Also I wasn't really sure I would be able to cut it there until all the raises happened. We finally are living in a house, mostly stress free neighborhood. We are finally able to put money into savings, and I am most likely getting a large holiday bonus. It was approaching the point of truly feeling secure about everything in my life.



Machiavelli said:


> How far and how long?


I don't know where he lives exactly, but she claims its the other side of the country. It could be the other side of the state for all I know. And according to her, this has been going on only a few weeks now. She said she wasn't even going to tell me about it and just wait to leave me once the money situation stabilized and we could get out of the house lease.



Machiavelli said:


> So she wants to stay at home and be the woman. Not surprising. Do you work?


Yeah. I am making enough now to pay all the bills and gas for the car, but not much else. Her check goes to groceries and other things we need around the house. I haven't bought her a new car because we just bought one to replace my old car that was 10 miles away from not being a car anymore. We just paid off her car 6 months ago, and I couldn't afford to add another car payment to the bills. I was going to get her a new car in January when I can afford it. I was going to get her a lot of things over the next few months, things I've been waiting to give her for a while that I could finally afford, a new bedroom set and dining room set, the car, maybe some new chairs and some furniture for the empty spare bedroom.

I feel like I have been running towards the finish line, I'm almost across it, and then all of a sudden some crazy fan from the stands runs out and tackles me and breaks my leg.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

shaken said:


> Thank you machiavelli for the concise analysis. It's helping me to start organizing my thoughts a little. I'll try and give more info where I can.
> 
> 
> I didn't ignore her for 8 years, but I've been leaning on her for that long. She never said no to me for anything, and did anything and everything I asked. I'm very myopic, big suprise, so *I got focused on something and the other things became background noise. I don't know why or how it ended up like it did,* Hyper focus, is one of the trait´s people with ADD have.
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So the OM (other man) is long distance. That means you have an advantage.. you are there.

I suggest that you get keylogger and put it on the computer she uses.

Take look at the one at https://www.WebWatcherData.com You install it on a computer and it sends the data to an internet site. This way you will now what is really going on.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's for you to read. Don't let her see it or read it. It tellsl you want you need to do to pull off what they call Plan A... This should help you start to make positive changes in yourself. As you make those changes the hope is that she will see them

You don't do Plan A forever. You do it for a few weeks.. it's hard to do so a few weeks is about it. From there, if she has not give up on the affair you move to Plan B (very much like the 180). 

Get the book.. it's a good action plan. Sometimes an action plan really helps because it helps us organize our thoughts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, one reason for the keylogger is so that you can find out as much as you can about the OM.

He could be a complete fraud. people on the internet lie, especially when they are hiding behind a character on a game site.

How did you expose him and the affair?


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## shaken (Nov 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> By the way, one reason for the keylogger is so that you can find out as much as you can about the OM.
> 
> He could be a complete fraud. people on the internet lie, especially when they are hiding behind a character on a game site.
> 
> How did you expose him and the affair?


This isn't the first time she's started an EA online. The two before were a few years ago and she ended them as soon as I confronted her about it. So I was already keen on the signs, noticed her doing different things like using her phone more, and the night before she went to be early while I was still working. When I went to check on her she clicked off her side lamp as she heard me ascend the stairs. It was really obvious what was going on at that point. I checked her computer and her email was logged in with the "remember me" option so I was able to see some transcripts of their chats. I got his name and email from there. I didn't read more than I needed to confirm my suspicion, i thought it would be over like like the others. I could hardly blame her for seeking attention elsewhere.


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## tamii (Oct 14, 2012)

"I ruined my marriage"?

Why are you blaming yourself? You're not the one having the affair.


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## landon33 (Jul 13, 2012)

tamii said:


> Why are you blaming yourself? You're not the one having the affair.


She's taken care of him for 8 years. Most women in that situation would become prone to stray.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

shaken said:


> I'm pretty sure he is single, so there's not much I can do there. And all their contact is via email or inside the game they are both playing.


Knowledge is power. Keylogger. Bug her cellphone.



shaken said:


> I think the councelling is a waste too while she is talking to him, but I can't convince her myself to stop. There's nothing else I can think of to do at this point but try and bring another person into it to try and convince her. Her parents don't really like me so I can't get help there. Even her shrink says she should leave me because she doesn't have the whole picture. I've been in my hole so long I am out of touch with everything and everyone around her.


Your wife has a shrink and her parents don't like you. Is your wife bipolar?

Either way, you still don't need to bring in a third party, cause she's got plenty of third parties egging her on already. A third party wouldn't do anything for you in any case, because your wife gets a crack-like high every time she's in contact with OM. Google this string: brain sex, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine (PEA), testosterone. You trying to shut down her affair is like trying to take away her crack. It won't happen willingly, unless you present a massive response: divorce papers. As i say, even then it's a long shot.



shaken said:


> I didn't ignore her for 8 years, but I've been leaning on her for that long. She never said no to me for anything, and did anything and everything I asked.


Sounds like a marriage. Unless you're hiding something big here, I doubt this has anything to do with her problem. You're trying to "fix" things and take on the blame. Admirable, but of no value at this time. BH's can rewrite marriages just as well as WW's it seems.



shaken said:


> In my eyes, she's been an attentive and generous wife.


Except for her serial entanglements with other men, most of which you probably don't know about.



shaken said:


> She has a much higher sex drive than I do. Much higher. It's something she has brought up occasionally but she has been pretty direct about it so I assume it wasn't as bad as the ignoring part.


Low demand husbands are a big problem. It's called "natural selection." Nature is trying to deselect you and if you go along with it, you get deselected out by not having kids. If she brought it up lack of sex at all, it's a big, big deal to her. Especially if she had to bring it up more than once. How old are you?



shaken said:


> We never had any kids, she had an abusive upbringing and was afraid of ending up doing the same to any children. I am already a child so I never felt a real need for one. It's one of the few things I know for sure we accurately communicated.


Sounds like she has a lot of problems. Why did you think it would be a good idea to marry a woman who had no real interest in reproducing? At least not with you.




shaken said:


> I was given two raises between the annual raise, the last one was a huge move up the pay scale. Also I wasn't really sure I would be able to cut it there until all the raises happened. We finally are living in a house, mostly stress free neighborhood. We are finally able to put money into savings, and I am most likely getting a large holiday bonus. It was approaching the point of truly feeling secure about everything in my life.


Shaken, this is the most important thing I'm going to tell you: don't let this interfere with your work. Now, we both know that's like me telling you to order the sun to stand still in the sky, but you need to try hard to put this out of your mind at work. Impossible, but if you start actively focusing on work it will help in a couple of areas at once.



shaken said:


> I don't know where he lives exactly, but she claims its the other side of the country. It could be the other side of the state for all I know.


It could be around the corner. And that may be why she's more into this OM than her previous ones. Usually, this means they have plugged into the power source.



shaken said:


> And according to her, this has been going on only a few weeks now.


Remember, she's a sex buzz addict right now. If her lips are moving she's lying.




shaken said:


> She said she wasn't even going to tell me about it and just wait to leave me once the money situation stabilized and we could get out of the house lease.


More likely, she never figured you'd find out. Which leads to the question, did you find out or did she up and tell you?





shaken said:


> I haven't bought her a new car because we just bought one to replace my old car that was 10 miles away from not being a car anymore. We just paid off her car 6 months ago, and I couldn't afford to add another car payment to the bills. I was going to get her a new car in January when I can afford it. I was going to get her a lot of things over the next few months, things I've been waiting to give her for a while that I could finally afford, a new bedroom set and dining room set, the car, maybe some new chairs and some furniture for the empty spare bedroom.


Don't spend a dime on her unless she gets out of the affair and stays out a long time. I'm guessing there was nothing really wrong with her car, she just wanted to be driving the new one. 



shaken said:


> I feel like I have been running towards the finish line, I'm almost across it, and then all of a sudden some crazy fan from the stands runs out and tackles me and breaks my leg.


Wrong. You've been dragging a ball and chain around the track and it's just come loose. Think about that. A lot of your depression and negative thoughts you've been having are caused by the topic in the quote below.



shaken said:


> This isn't the first time she's started an EA online. The two before were a few years ago and she ended them as soon as I confronted her about it. So I was already keen on the signs, noticed her doing different things like using her phone more, and the night before she went to be early while I was still working.


And you don't think her cheating history has had an effect on you? Been keeping you down? Well, there are more that you don't know about. This is who she is: a low self-image woman who makes herself feel good by positive sexual feedback from a steady stream of new guys. These are merely the contacts that got her hot enough that you noticed. She's had many others, because that is her nature. This one has gone on longer and deeper than the others and if she's lying about his location or he's flown in, she may have sealed the deal with this one.

Your wife sounds less and less like a keeper and more like a big ball of girl drama. Has she ever approached you about swinging or an open marriage?



shaken said:


> I could hardly blame her for seeking attention elsewhere.


Well, yes. Yes, you can. And you need to start.

What does your workout program look like?

Do women ever hit on you?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let her go. You cannot compete with her affair partner...you can't. 

File for divorce, and make sure you expose her affair to family and friends to ensure she doesn't drag your name through the mud. 

Yeah you botched your marriage, but that did not give her the right to cheat repeatedly with EAs and this PA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

shaken said:


> I've been in my hole so long I am out of touch with everything and everyone around her.


Tell us more about this "hole" you're in - you've been seeing doctors and are on meds - what is your diagnosis?


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## shaken (Nov 22, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Your wife has a shrink and her parents don't like you. Is your wife bipolar?


Yes my wife is bipolar, she's got a psychiatrist and therapist that she sees regularly. She's on anti-depressants and lithium. My mom, who doesn't find fault in anyone, said that she thinks I should get out so I don't have to deal with the disability anymore. She's convinced that this is all because of a manic episode and told me about her friend who was bipolar and taught pre-school where she worked and she saw her snap so badly she was on the floor barking like a dog until the ambulance came and took her away. My wife has never been that crazy, but I suppose it's possible since it's been only a few weeks and my wife has always had very long mood swings, like even her disability was so stubborn it didn't want to shift gears.



Machiavelli said:


> Low demand husbands are a big problem. It's called "natural selection." Nature is trying to deselect you and if you go along with it, you get deselected out by not having kids. If she brought it up lack of sex at all, it's a big, big deal to her. Especially if she had to bring it up more than once. How old are you?


I'm 31. I'm not sure anymore if it's really me that was the reason behind my low sex drive. After talking with my first girlfriend who has always been a good friend, and is actually friends with my wife surprisingly, she was very surprised I felt this way. She made realize I wasn't always like this. It actually wasn't even until I got married. If it was the weight my wife gained once we got married or just the fact that I didn't want to conquer what was already conquered, it wasn't a psychological or physical dysfunction. This is a big realization for me, because it's one less unknown that I'm struggling to try and find an answer to.



Machiavelli said:


> Sounds like she has a lot of problems. Why did you think it would be a good idea to marry a woman who had no real interest in reproducing?


I don't really know if I want kids or not. There are a lot of reasons, besides the fact that I seem myself as a kid in a man's body. Most of them are practical reasons, I'm not a big feelings guy if you couldn't tell.



Machiavelli said:


> More likely, she never figured you'd find out. Which leads to the question, did you find out or did she up and tell you?


I found out about it, she didn't want to admit it, and when she finally did after I forced it from her, that is when I saw the change. It was immediate and completely threw me off.




Machiavelli said:


> Your wife sounds less and less like a keeper and more like a big ball of girl drama. Has she ever approached you about swinging or an open marriage?


No, I'm really close minded about sex in general. I'm such a prude and any extended conversations always end with me quickly changing the subject. She's never expressed the desire to complicated our sex life.




Machiavelli said:


> What does your workout program look like?


I don't work out at all, it's a major flaw. I do at random intervals have a very physically demanding job, but it's never done more than drop a few pounds before I go back to not doing anything. This is probably one of my top priorities for changing. I don't really feel good about myself and it has the easiest solution of all my problems right now.



Machiavelli said:


> Do women ever hit on you?


Women don't just come up to me and hit on me, no. I'm not ugly, but I have a very forgettable face. It's a good thing sometimes when I'm trying to blend in. When I was in basic training, the drill sergeant comes up to me 2 weeks before graduation and wants to know if I'm lost and where the hell did I come from. He had to go look at his roster before he believed I'd been there the whole time.

On the other hand every relationship I've ever been in, I've been pursued. I like to think that it's because I've got a very likeable personality that hooks you in only once you've gotten to know me, but it could just as easily be the type of woman that I end up being involved with. I do have a great sense of humor though, it's the one personal trait I can always count on.




bobka said:


> Tell us more about this "hole" you're in - you've been seeing doctors and are on meds - what is your diagnosis?


I was diagnosed with depression and ADD. Someone here sent me an amazing link on ADD and it's real obvious that the treatments are not working and not enough. I'm going to make an appointment to get a new shrink on monday (It turns out holidays aren't a good time for disaster, who knew?)...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

You wrote
I'm 31. I'm not sure anymore if it's really me that was the reason behind my low sex drive. After talking with my first girlfriend who has always been a good friend, and is actually friends with my wife surprisingly, she was very surprised I felt this way. She made realize I wasn't always like this. It actually wasn't even until I got married. If it was the weight my wife gained once we got married or just the fact that I didn't want to conquer what was already conquered, it wasn't a psychological or physical dysfunction. *This is a big realization for me, because it's one less unknown that I'm struggling to try and find an answer to.*

The answer to that question is most often a very easy question to answer. A lot of people that are living whit someone with bipolar

find´s them self after a while having low Sex drive.Due to a bipolar person´s constant mood swing´s.That keep´s sucking the energy out of there partners´s.A lot of people find them self´s not in a mood for naked time.Its hard to stay sexually attracted to someone after a while.When they constantly drain´s you.. Think about it.You did not seem to have that problem whit your exgirlfriend


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

shaken said:


> I was diagnosed with depression and ADD. Someone here sent me an amazing link on ADD and it's real obvious that the treatments are not working and not enough. I'm going to make an appointment to get a new shrink on monday (It turns out holidays aren't a good time for disaster, who knew?)...


I've read your thread, but sometimes I miss things, so forgive me here. If you are diagnosed with depression, and are taking meds for that, it's possible that these meds are messing with your sex drive. I know this happened to me, and caused severe problems in my marriage. Because of my lack of drive, my wife felt very rejected, and eventually sought out someone else to give her attention. 

If you are depressed, you may have other, underlying issues that are getting in the way of your desire as well. If at all possible, address these things. It will not change your past, but could positively impact your future.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

shaken said:


> monday she told me she was in love with another man and was going to leave.


Sounds to me like she's going to leave you and go move in with him. Sounds like they've been planning this right up to and including her recent announcement. 



shaken said:


> I'm sure that I have ruined my chances with all of this.


You certainly didn't earn any points or undo any of the past damage but she was probably gone anyway. This didn't happen overnight. Those EAs you quelched some time ago.. maybe they never stopped, and maybe one or all of them were him.



shaken said:


> She is stubborn and doesn't change her mind for anything


She's made up her mind. Accept this.



shaken said:


> she doesn't have the means to move anywhere yet


She just might. The other guy.



shaken said:


> and I don't have the means to pay for this place myself..We're going to have to both live here until either the lease is up or our financial situation changes.


Then you might have to break the lease. But you need to live somewhere. You just got a raise. You saying you can't support yourself without wive's income? Move somewhere cheap.



shaken said:


> I don't know what to do. She has been keeping me together for nearly a decade.


She might have been doing nothing more than enabling you to be dependent on her and do everything for you.

Now you gotta take care of yourself. You need to find your inner reserve, your inner resources and pull yourself together. 

If you can do it, you might be surprised at how good this will ultimately be for you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Shaken, she's a mess. She committed adultery. She's not sorry. She's self-justified and her rationalization hamster is running full speed. She has nullified the marriage contract. You are under no obligations to her. You have no children together. You don't want 40 more years of this. You know what to do. Do it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> She's made up her mind. Accept this.


The short, correct answer. She's already gone. It's over.

Also, the statements about being a child yourself...take a good, hard look at that. Few worthwhile women will want to be involved with a man who is not a man. Whatever novelty childishness might provide in the beginning becomes tedious rather quickly. Work on it. 

Good luck.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

landon33 said:


> She's taken care of him for 8 years. Most women in that situation would become prone to stray.


Read up on bipolar. And if you cant figuret out ,let know
And i will explain.. This is not her first affair BTW


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## shaken (Nov 22, 2012)

Thank you all for your help and support. I'm glad that I decided to actually post something here, I wrote 3 posts out before I finally decided to hit the create new thread button. I've never been one to take things slow, and this has been the hardest part of all this for me so far.

I think that I've moved to the depression stage of grief at this point. I've accepted what is happening and I'm done being angry and trying to bargain with her. In a way depression is like an old friend that has been through a lot with me. In a way I've accepted that what is going on is really going to happen, but I'm not ready to really admit it to myself.

But, I'm done trying to fix it. I'm not going to spend another minute trying. I've done all that I can, and now it's time to fix myself. I'm not sure how to do that just yet, but I'm going to take it one step at a time. Step one is to talk to a shrink again and really try to open up so they can actually help me this time. I was so guarded with the last one that it was like tying their hands behind their back. Step two is to start working out, and try to find a way to do it so I don't overdo it and burn myself out. I'm not sure if I'm ready to join a gym, but there is some equipment in the house I can use or I can try to go running. I can't look past these steps yet, my mind wants to plan out the entire recovery up until it's over, but I need to get a handle on myself and not rush this. I have no idea how I will, but I believe I have it in me.

I'll keep you all updated as things go on. It may be a week or more until I can get an appointment with a psychiatrist. That should give me time to organize my thoughts so I don't go in there trying to say 100 things at once.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

shaken said:


> Thank you all for your help and support. I'm glad that I decided to actually post something here, I wrote 3 posts out before I finally decided to hit the create new thread button. I've never been one to take things slow, and this has been the hardest part of all this for me so far.
> 
> I think that I've moved to the depression stage of grief at this point. I've accepted what is happening and I'm done being angry and trying to bargain with her. In a way depression is like an old friend that has been through a lot with me. In a way I've accepted that what is going on is really going to happen, but I'm not ready to really admit it to myself.
> 
> ...


You're in a marriage that contains two mentally ill people. There will be problems. You must do what you can to take care of yourself. Although your wife does not get a free pass for what she did, there are extenuating circumstances that many on here will not feel are important to take into account, but you really have to do that. 

Make sure both you and your wife are receiving proper care, then work on things.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

shaken said:


> Step two is to start working out, and try to find a way to do it so I don't overdo it and burn myself out. I'm not sure if I'm ready to join a gym, but there is some equipment in the house I can use or I can try to go running.


First,quit eating wheat.

Start weight training, don't waste time on running. You need to build muscle mass, not deplete it. Get this book:


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> First,quit eating wheat.
> 
> Start weight training, don't waste time on running. You need to build muscle mass, not deplete it. Get this book:


Yeah, this'll fix a marriage every time! NOT!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bobka said:


> Yeah, this'll fix a marriage every time! NOT!


Do try to keep up with the discussion. OP has already decided he's out and wants to get in shape.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Do try to keep up with the discussion. OP has already decided he's out and wants to get in shape.


Then he probably needs to move to a workout and training discussion board. Here's a good one: http://www.jpfitness.com/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobka said:


> Then he probably needs to move to a workout and training discussion board. Here's a good one: JP Fitness Forums


Um, no he can stay here as long as he wants.


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## DSpector1966 (Aug 11, 2017)

shaken said:


> I have ignored my wife for a long time due to depression and various other life issues. She has taken care of me for 8 years now, but monday she told me she was in love with another man and was going to leave. Her signals all this time were either not obvious enough, or I refused to see them. I have been happy this whole time with her. It's just the rest of my life that has gotten me down. Now that things are starting to look up for the first time in our marriage, she is leaving.
> 
> I've spent the last 3 days reading everything and anything about what to do, I've tried everything to try and get a chance to change. I've done everything wrong, I got angry and attacked her and the guy, I outted the affair online and made a huge mess of things, I demanded she choose one of us, I begged her to choose me, I tried to guilt her, pursuade her, force her... I'm sure that I have ruined my chances with all of this. She is stubborn and doesn't change her mind for anything, so I don't even know why I think I can. The affair was emotional, it was online with someone some distance away.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread. Please check the date of a thread since the original posters on these old threads are long gone. Posting on them will not help them now.


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