# please advise



## empire (Jun 6, 2011)

Hello and thank you for your interest in my story. My wife is having an affair. Married for 7 years, she has 3 children from previous marriage now 14F,12M,11M (not adopted by me). She is 39 y.o. I am 40 y.o.
She claims the friendship started about a year ago. PA started in March of this year. On April 1st she told me just before going to sleep that she wanted to go to Africa and do peace corp work when the kids were grown and that we should get divorced then. She then rolled over and went to sleep. That weekend at my insistence she said that she was scared of me and couldn't talk to me. That she wasn't in love with me etc. etc. She claimed that my handful of emotional outbursts during the 10 years I knew her was the reason she was scared. I sleep too much in the day ( I work off shifts in hospital). She said she knows it is very selfish of her to feel this way but that is how she is.
I took ownership of what it seemed I was contributing to the problems and started counseling (for outbursts) the next day, started getting up for 6 am breakfast /school rush (she was angry when I did). Started working out everyday. I had been letting my self go, worried at work (layoffs), trying to figure something else to do in this small town if I did get layed off. Generally busy and preoccupied but not distant at all, just busy.
Four days later while telling her of the progress I was making she told me that “I don't want you to change what you are doing now but... I met someone else and I think I am pregnant. She was in contact with him everyday but he had moved 700 miles away at the end of March. He was hopeful as was she that she was pregnant. When she had her period she was very upset and asked me “how could this happen?!” 
Now that she wasn't pregnant and he was so far away, I thought there was a chance to start to figure out how to fix this. However, she contacted him everyday by skype and phone. She said she had no “mind space” to think about me and her. She constantly said she wanted to get divorced, she wanted to be independent, she did not want to be married. 
During spring break she said she wanted to take the boys on a road trip with no destination in particular. Of course I knew what she was doing even though she denied. She only allowed the possiblilty that she might drive toward him and meet, if he was available. She spent 3 days with him with our 2 boys. 
When she returned she had hickies all over her neck. She said she thought she would figure things out during this trip but now it is just more difficult. We talked throughout the night, she was saying all the reasons she didn't like me (she was like a different person, angry and cruel), I am racist (she is japanese, OM is black) based on a comment I made 8 years ago ( I don't remember). I am controlling. I am late for things, etc etc. by the morning I was trying to get her to say that if you don't like me, if you hate me then tell me directly, I really pushed. She refused to say these thing to me. I cried a lot toward the end, it was so hurtful. She started to say “it's ok, I'll stay with you, don't worry”, “I'll live on the couch with the dogs” over and over in a detached spaced out kind of voice. She continued all day, never leaving the couch. I had to bring her a bucket for her to pee in. I finally told her that I am going to move out into my brothers house nearby. It was just to weird and crazy and hurtful. She came out of her (passive aggressive?) mode and asked how will we tell the kids. She told them that mommy and daddy are getting divorced, they cried, we cried, it was horrible. She said she could not accept daddy's love any more. I talked to them each individually to make sure they knew I would still be around and loved them. They, to my surprise, told me all they knew and suspected about the OM and they were angry. They wanted their mom to leave, not me. 
I did leave but after 4 hours became upset that why was I leaving, sleeping on a couch. I returned and said to her that she could leave if she wanted but I worked too hard to build and support this family to leave and loved the kids too much to leave. Disclosure to family happened here and my brother and SIL talked to others. The next morning we talked and she said she was already looking for a job in that city and would move there to see if she could make it on her own (with the boyfriend around). The kids would stay with me. A major separation only 2 weeks after D-day. We explained the change to the kids that afternoon. She started by saying Mommy and Daddy are not getting a divorce, but I am going to leave and try to become a strong mother so I can be a better mother in this family. (obvious contradictions noted). She wants to live in the big city and not be dependent on anyone. She often says she wants to be 'living alone' with her kids.
The next 2 weeks we got along well enough but I was always initiating the talks. We made breakfast together, I worked out, she prepared for her leaving. She said several times that I feel very excited about him right now but I don't know how I will feel in 1 or 2 months, of course I want you to wait for me but I can't ask that of you. She said she did not want to tell the kids when she was leaving and wanted to leave after they went to school because she couldn't bear to leave them face to face. I asked her if she wanted to use birth control and she said yes, she went to the appointment the day she left. She left in the middle of night before I got home from work. She left notes for everyone. 
Mine read, 
Dear M
** * I do not want to see your sad face again, so I'm trying to leave tonight. I left each kid a letter, and S--- a music CD,so please give them tomorrow when they come home. Tomorrow S--- is going to call you after her track meet. *S----'s friend is going to come home with him on the bus to play after school. His parent is going to pick him up, so you don't have to worry about it. *S---'s going to need rides next week for her ballet, so please ask her... she's going to make you busy, I think....
** * By the way, it was such a busy day, so i did not have much quiet time to think today. I do not know if I should ask you to wait for me after all, because if i do, it's not fair I think. You asked me to leave something to hold on to, but then I do not know what to write because I cannot promise you anything. Yes, there's the possibility I come back to you, but what will cause it to happen? Maybe I cannot be successful at work or be betrayed by A--(new boyfriend) and come back to you? That doesn't sound very good to me. If I come back to you, I hope it will be in a better way,somehow, but I don't know how it can happen. I'm trying to leave a hardworking husband who tries to give me everything. That sounds really crazy to everybody. I cannot come back to this place anymore.... *
** * To me, this whole thing happened very naturally. There was no "?" in any moment surprisingly. That is why, I have to go now. But please don't think that I dislike you or hate you. You're always my friend and my kid's father. Thank you for everything you did for me. 
Love, E----





The kids notes talked of how she was going to work very hard so they could come live with her in a better place. They read the notes with a look of, 'you've got to be kidding'. They basically tossed them on the ground and walked out of the room.
A few days before the wife was to return for our daughter's ballet performance she called and told them that she missed them very much and wanted them to move in with her. They did not want to go. When she arrived her and I talked before they got home. She talked about how they had an argument that she was not being serious enough about their relationship. She said they worked it out. She said it couldn't be the same between us because of all the bad things she had done this year. She said she misses the kids so much and she is not coming back to this place so they must come with her because they are her kids.
After she talked with boys they agreed to try it out in the city with her. The girl refused but they ended up compromising for her to leave in mid June. I said a little later to her that “I had lost my wife and now my kids, was there a possibilty that she would come back to me?” She said yes there was and leaned over and kissed me.
A little bit after this I saw the birth contol pack in her bag. I looked at them and they were not being used. I probed with questions if she was using them and she kind of answered sideways. I checked a little later after she was I the bathroom with the bag and there were 12 pills popped out. I asked her about it directly but not in anger and she said I was scaring her, she took them out because she thought I would mad that she did not use them. She said I was trying to control her, to make her take the pills. I said I want her to because if she gets pregnant now I could not take her back, but I am not making you. I told her, “If you don't want to use them it tells me about what you are thinking about your future. I want you to be honest so I can make my own decisions about my life”. She said she did not think she wants to control her fertility now. I like him. She knelt down with tears and said after a minute or so, “I am sorry I was not honest about my feelings”. She stood up with a much more relaxed stance and pulled the missing pills out of her pocket and put them together with the others in a baggie and said , “they are not expensive, if I damaged them”, “I may start using them”. We embraced for a minute or so and I said this is a good thing, we need to be honest with each other before anything else.
On last the evening we talked more about what went wrong with us and she said she needed more conversation and relaxed time with me. She said she thinks she needs to nurture somebody and the kids are getting older and I don't need nurturing. I said I can see now how she was hinting to me but that she needed to be more direct. I could feel something was wrong but I never thought she was in such bad emotional place. She agreed. I asked if she could pretend for a while that we were in a bubble and none of this was happening,if she would act with me as she felt to. We were sitting on our bed. She immediately moved next to me and embraced and we held each other. I kissed her gently on her neck and we kissed for a short while and we talked and really laughed about somethings. I said it could be like this again and she agreed. I also asked the question about the possiblity of her coming back to me again and she answered 'Yes'. 
The next morning as she was about to leave she cried pretty hard while saying goodbye to the dogs. We bred and raised them together. She looked at me and asked me to take care of them and we hugged and kissed a little. I put my hand on her heart and said “what you said last night felt genuine, that the possiblilty exists that you will come back to me”, she shook her head and said 'Yes'. She then left.

Wow, that started as a 3 paragraph outline, sorry......

Since she left I have been removing her things/touches from the walls shelves. I am thinking to get a storage shed and move her things there. I will have minimal, kid related contact with her and not chase her. I asked her to promise that if she wants to move back toward me she will make the move and she agreed. I envision maybe 6 months and if things have not improved I will file for divorce. I am under no illusion that there is genuine hope. She has not initiated conversations and probaly feels damn guilty which could lead to her softening up and opening up somwhat in the last weekend.

A bit about the OM........ wait for it.................
34 y.o. : Felony terroristic threatning, 3x DUI, 1 driving no liscense, absconding, drug dealing ex? Gang member, fired from last job for stealing/violence/being drunk. Rents room in uncles house (where wife and boys are now), no job. She says he is going to quit smoking and heavy drinking and get a job. Player and married with no children. Has had many hookups in this town. Plays up to women competes, argues with men. My boys say he is currently drunk everyday. My wife says nobody understands him like she does, he has had a hard life and just needs help.
His social networking page states:
i am a master at what i do, that ain't no bull****. If you get to know me, you get to love me,respect
and under people you admire:
I admire anyone who admires me

I am not a fan........


I would love to hear thoughts, comments and critics. I have tried to keep communication open with her and not let the anger and hurt take over, it has been hard. I am getting more anger now though as everyhting sinks in (and she never turned back, I suppose)


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

She will get pregnant to him and then try coming back to you to foot the bill for raising his kid.

Get legal help now or risk 18 years of child support.


----------



## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

She sounds seriously unstable.

The children need somebody who can provide them with safety and stability - they are in danger with her and that man.

Your efforts should be to look after your own health and stability, and try to provide the same for the children. 

Even if she does decide that she loves you and wants to return to you, she needs serious clinical help.


----------



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Having read your entire post, the biggest thought which is stuck in my brain is, “Those poor children!” If possible and you have the desire, you should fight like he!! for them. 

My son has an much older brother and sister (yes, that technically makes them my ex-stepchildren). I love them dearly and still consider them my kids also. I helped to raise them as their mother had passed away from a debilitating disease. They are always welcome to stay with me, actually my step-daughter will be house/pet sitting for me this weekend.

You may not believe you have any parental rights, but that is incorrect. Contact a family law attorney. There are different ways parenting rights are defined here in California; birth parent, biological parent, natural parent, alleged parent, step-parent, adoptive parent and possibly a few others I’ve forgotten.

Case in point:

My friend had been raising a little boy as his own for several years. He and the birth mother never married and are now no longer together. Therefore he was never technically the child’s step-father. Long story short, he was able to become the child’s legal father (new birth certificate has even been issued) by establishing his “Natural Parent Rights” because from the moment that child was born he started raising him. For the time being, this little boy does not know there was a different biological father who played a part in him being brought into this world. My friend will tell "HIS" son when he is older.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your wife Is having some kind of mental illness episode.

Where is the biofather of the children?

If you have no legal standing then you need to enlist his help in protecting the kids from this sick hookup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## empire (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes, I agree, I am very worried about MY kids. I have checked with lawyer in my state and I have very little to no say as long as she does not abandon them. On the 20th they (not OM) are going to see the grandparents out of country and will be away from the situation with OM. The grandparents are laying low for now until she gets there but they are very upset. Hopefully they may have some effect but I don't know. They apologize profusly to me on the phone and hope I don't grow tired of their daughter (their words). She will also visit her lifelong friends at home and I hope they say something to make her think. The kids currently want to stay with me, I have told them they are welcome anytime. I don't know if their mother will honor the "we'll go to city and see" agreement they had. Their natural father gave up all custody and rights in their home country and is/cannot/does not want to be involved.
I concentrated my story on her and the relationship because that is the way I can be involved. Perhaps I can pick up and move to the city and be close to them. That may happen, but I would rather they come here, life is easy and settled here, same school same friends, good job, good house.
It is good to hear that many of you feel she is mentally unstable. That helps depersonalize it some. She was very funtional though throughout the marriage. I have not seen this kind of behavior before in her. I think she kept many feeling/emotions bottle up hidden from everyone. It is maybe hard from my perspective to see that because of course I am use to her but I must admit it has crossed my mind even before this happened.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Some mental illnesses like schitzephrenia present in adulthood.

Not saying she has that. But something is causing her disintegration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## empire (Jun 6, 2011)

The therapist I see, (she refused) brought up the idea of passive aggresive behavior about the couch and bucket episode.


----------



## empire (Jun 6, 2011)

Her mother is unstable mentally, very high strung (hystrionic), verbally abusive, my wife told me of running away often as a child to hide. Her mother has shown this type of abusive behavior toward my daughter on visits. Father is amiable but drunk everyday after work. Wife likes to drink, she enjoys drinking parties which she was able to do with OM.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I may despise this woman from the story you told, but frankly ended up a bit angry at YOU for not protecting these children.

And I'd wager that every day that goes by, they too are building up a bit of resentment toward you for not protecting them from these two pieces of garbage - him and her both. I see years of therapy for these poor kids. They may be old enough to somewhat 'understand' what is going on, but they are victoms of it and now have this man as a role model every day, combined with remote contact and memory of the man who let them be in the situation they're now living under. Sad, and it disgusts me.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

empire, I know they're not your biological kids, but there's got to be something you can do to reach out to these kids to let them know you are there for them, and no questions asked could come to you for help... (and/or child protective services?)

I'd ask what you would feel you *should* have done should this guy do something very harmful to one or all of these children? That is what I'd then set out to be doing.

The situation these kids are in now every day, and the price they're paying for their mother's instability has me nauseously irate.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This is a train wreck. I know it's a harsh but you need it.

How many signs do you need that your "wife" is gone? Forget about the character of the OM for a minute. She's basically told you verbally multiple times that this relationship is over. She then greived over the imaginary loss of THEIR child together and you're still asking about a future with her?

The woman you married is gone. She left a long time ago. It sucks, and it hurts like hell but she's mentally hollow. She greived more over your dogs than your relationship? She rolled over and went to sleep after asking for a divorce? Geez.


----------



## empire (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes, I understand it is not good at all as I said in my post. If I went and took the kids it would be KIDNAPPING, I am a legal stranger to these kids. I have no rights that the mother does not give to me. They know they can come back, I hope they do, I hope my wife heals/fixes/wakes up whatever so the family I have invested 10 years into has a chance to survive and thrive. If she doesn't I can do nothing about it. I have sent care packages to the boys with self addressed stamped evelopes so they can write me as much as they want. We have email,facebook,skype contact. We talked a lot before they left, THEY KNOW I WOULD ADOPT AND RAISE THEM. I asked their mother to let me do this before she left, she said no they are my kids. If she is unstable/mentally ill and she returns of course I take care of her, she is sick. If she isn't sick, just a very selfish person and poor mother making poor decisions then I don't know how I can intervene against her will.
About manning up etc. my thought is to provide a path back for her. If I am too harsh and in her eyes and angry she will not see a way back. She is very avoidant of conflict, too much so in my opinion, but she is. There are many issues we would have to work through if we were to be able to be together again no doubt. That is for later if ever. I am not doing anything actively to get her back from now, no emails, phone calls, etc. if she does not move back of her own accord then it is over.


----------



## empire (Jun 6, 2011)

punt...

Considering the undeniably bad behavior/situation, has anyone seen a reconciliation from this kind of situation. 

Don't worry about whether I should take her back, I will decide appropriatly about that for myself and kids sake.

Personally if I was looking in from the outside I would give it 
<10% as it stand now.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Maybe a <10% chance of her crawling back, but I would give it a < 0.0000000000001% chance of succeeding
And in your shoes, I would give R about 3 seconds of thought 
today and never again spend a moment wasting time about it.

Other than the children, what on this earth would you want this woman back for? The pleasant times she's brought you? her respect for you? I'd guess you like the 'rescue' knight in shining armor angle... and I'd PASS.


----------

