# Am I being selfish?



## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

My wife and I have recently married. In 2004 she lost her husband as he died in his sleep. 

We have talked about it and I don't mind keeping things around for her daughter. 

However I was looking through pictures she has on FB and I noticed she had pictures of our wedding as well as pictures of their wedding and family photos in the same album. 

I told her that it felt weird to have those pictures in the same album and if she could move them to a different album. I didn't ask her to delete them or remove them, just move them into a different album. 

Of course she got mad at me, and I ended up apologizing so that we wouldn't get into an argument over it. I didn't think I was being unreasonable.

What are your thoughts?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You married a woman who had a marriage before you, and a life. You married all of her and that stuff is part of her. Get over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdb (Oct 23, 2011)

I completely disagree. She should respect you. Since you 'married her and her stuff', she also married you because she loves you and respects you. I think she is being disrespectful. If she wasn't ready to move those photos to a different album, maybe she shouldn't have gotten married.

I wouldn't let it go, it's a big deal to you. Letting it go would just leave a possibility for resentment later on!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he died in his sleep, it's likely that she has never really dealt with it; thus the pictures. If you love her, find out how to help her find a place for him in her past.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She loves you. If you suddenly died, would her love just die with you? Maybe you should be glad you have a loyal wife, capable of loving until and even after death. Her dead husband is no threat to you. He apparently was a decent husband who paved the way for you to have a healthy, fulfilling marriage. Her previous marriage didn't end because she hated the guy. He was stolen from her by death. Had that not occurred, she'd no doubt still be with him. This dead guy occupies a happy place in her heart that you'll never fill. That doesn't mean you can't create and occupy your own happy places in her heart. You both have been privileged to share the love of an apparently wonderful woman, both being exactly what she needed at different periods of her life. 
Why are you wasting precious moments worrying about some dead guy? You might be just as dead tomorrow. You get to hold her hand, kiss her, make love to her, etc. He only gets to decompose. He had his appointed time on earth and apparently used his time well. You have your's and it's probably better spent living to the fullest rather than worrying about a corpse. This is your only opportunity to create great memories and to someday leave this world filled with people who think fondly of you long after you're gone.


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

What does love have to do with it? 

StayGravity, you are in line. You have shown a great deal of respect to your wife by telling her that the pictures arent the problem. Its the fact that they are in your wedding album. I commend you. She still has feelings for the guy, and you seem very ok with that. For this, I commend you. You need to stand your ground, and for this, I will commend you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

For the immediate issue, go back and explain how you feel. Let her get mad (that's just a defense mechanism for when you know you've done something wrong); let her get it out. Then repeat how it makes you feel; reiterate that you love her and hope she loves you enough to recognize that you need to feel loved back by her showing compassion for how YOU feel. Then leave it.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Would creating two albums be a possible compramise?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what he asked her to do and she got mad at him.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Choice A: Needlessly alienate your wife and spend the next few days in a tiff.
Choice B: Forget about the dead guy and go knock boots with your wife. 

Life is too short to spend it worrying about dead folks.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I think you DO have a right to feel a bit hurt about your wife including her 1st marriage wedding photos in your family album. 

Yes, you do need to keep her late husband's memory alive for their daughter, but your wife needs to understand that living in the past will not help her have a happy relationship with you. You should not feel constantly overshadowed by the dead husband who probably walks on water at this point. It's not fair to you and it's not allowing her to fully MOVE ON. 

You two need to make your own life as a couple. Ask her again to put all those photos in a separate album on FB. The fact she would get all uppity about it tells me she has not moved on in a way that is going to allow her to live fully in the present. 

If she wanted to live "faithfully" to a dead person and enshrine him, she should have stayed single.

You are not being selfish. Your wife is not recognizing that you are now her husband and deserving of your own identity as a couple SEPARATE from her past life......PAST life.

Try to talk to her again.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You said your peace now go create your own FB wedding album and include photos of all your ex-girlfriends or fiancees. If she complains bitterly about it, calmly state 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander, honey' and leave her alone to ponder your words.


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## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

Morituri, 

I don't play those kind of games. I don't think that would be healthy by any means and would not actually accomplish anything. 

I haven't asked her again yet. I am waiting. I will later and update the page on what she says and does.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> You said your peace now go create your own FB wedding album and include photos of all your ex-girlfriends or fiancees. If she complains bitterly about it, calmly state 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander, honey' and leave her alone to ponder your words.


Very good point!!!

It was 2004. She is married to him now. I think he is being very considerate in asking her to split the album. He could insist she delete and be within his rights as her husband. But he is sensitve for her daughters sake. Very well. Two albums are very reasonable and he is being a great guy to accept that.

This is not brother husbands like sister wives.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&hl=en-GB&v=lJ6AtbcEG9o


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StayGravity said:


> Morituri,
> 
> I don't play those kind of games. I don't think that would be healthy by any means and would not actually accomplish anything.
> 
> I haven't asked her again yet. I am waiting. I will later and update the page on what she says and does.


He is being sarcastic to make his point. That she married you and you are a whole person and have a past as well. She should not accept you putting your wedding pictures in with other people.

You have a realtionahsip now with her. To merge it in to an album of husbands is very insensitive IMHO.

So again he is making a point. Obviously you posted for more than the novelty of seeing what repsonses you might get. His response may be the most poignant of all. Do what you wish but she really should respect your wishes and separate the albums. Me? I would probably want her to provide the photos to her daughter put them away on her facebook. In other words delete them and be in the now with her new realtionship.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If it would help maintain peace in my home or increase my odds of having sex, I wouldn't care if she took him to a taxidermist and displayed him prominently in our living room.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If it would help maintain peace in my home or increase my odds of having sex, I wouldn't care if she took him to a taxidermist and displayed him prominently in our living room.


How about in the bedroom?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Bedroom? Sure! Why not? Not like he's going to interrupt anything. Handy place to put my coat.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Bedroom? Sure! Why not? Not like he's going to interrupt anything. Handy place to put my coat.


Hanging the coat. Excellent move.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

StayGravity said:


> Morituri,
> 
> I don't play those kind of games. I don't think that would be healthy by any means and would not actually accomplish anything.
> 
> I haven't asked her again yet. I am waiting. I will later and update the page on what she says and does.



Look, I've been married twice. My first wife died of cancer many years ago. I kept and locked away the wedding pictures and other items from that period as a gift to my children from that marriage. Years later, I remarried but not once did I bring out those pictures in front of my 2nd wife out of consideration for her feelings. I told my 2nd wife about their existence and the reason why I kept them locked away.

As Entropy3K said, I was being sarcastic. Nevertheless, if the roles were reversed, do you think she would have been as gracious and understanding as you were?

As Laurae1967 so eloquently put it



> *"If she wanted to live "faithfully" to a dead person and enshrine him, she should have stayed single."*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks like she has never come to peace yet with her ex's death. I agree with morituri. Although I've never lost a gf/wife due to death, I did have a great first gf - though we seperated due to circumstances beyond our control. I still respect my ex as a person but the feelings of love and affection are no longer there. Hence I never kept her around as a ghost as soon as I fell in love with my wife. I've moved on, and your wife has to move on too.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This poor cadaver is the one man on earth you will never have to worry about. She obviously adored the guy and allowed you to assume his position. She must think pretty highly of you. His husband bar only went so high and he isn't capable of raising it. The sky is the limit for you. Besides, with or without a wedding album, you are just as married. Doesn't matter if a photo of Mr. Magoo is in it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> This poor cadaver is the one man on earth you will never have to worry about.


Not true. Many men and women never overcome the grief of losing their spouse and keep their memory alive to the point of sabotaging their present committed relationships.

It's sometimes much harder to fight against an idealized deceased person than it is to fight a real life flesh and blood one. Never underestimate the power of the dead on the living.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

and Obama has to walk by portraits of Lincoln every day. When the crap hits the fan, nobody runs to Abe for a decision and Abe won't be on the next ballot. Dude's a memory and if she wants to occasionally reflect on a fond memory, what's the harm? He was only a man. He didn't turn water into wine or raise the dead. The only place the deceased is a threat is between the ears of the OP. Lots of people have more than one loving and fulfilling relationship. Try to drive a wedge in between her and her little graphical depictions of Mr. Wonderful and you demonize yourself and make this dead mortal into a martyr of love. Let her have her pictures. The more time passes, the colder Mr. Wonderful gets and the more prominent the OP gets. She didn't build a shrine to the guy, she just has a few photos. I'd think it a little weird if she didn't. He's supposed to ask his wife to pretend a significant part of her life never happened? That a part of her heart wasn't ripped out? She's his wife, but she's also still a widow.


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## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> and Obama has to walk by portraits of Lincoln every day. When the crap hits the fan, nobody runs to Abe for a decision and Abe won't be on the next ballot. Dude's a memory and if she wants to occasionally reflect on a fond memory, what's the harm? He was only a man. He didn't turn water into wine or raise the dead. The only place the deceased is a threat is between the ears of the OP. Lots of people have more than one loving and fulfilling relationship. Try to drive a wedge in between her and her little graphical depictions of Mr. Wonderful and you demonize yourself and make this dead mortal into a martyr of love. Let her have her pictures. The more time passes, the colder Mr. Wonderful gets and the more prominent the OP gets. She didn't build a shrine to the guy, she just has a few photos. I'd think it a little weird if she didn't. He's supposed to ask his wife to pretend a significant part of her life never happened? That a part of her heart wasn't ripped out? She's his wife, but she's also still a widow.



No you have it wrong. I didn't tell her to not have pictures. I just kindly asked for her to put the pictures in a different album. If you were to go look through the album, would you not find it weird to see a photograph of her wedding to her deceased husband and then the very next picture is of her and I kissing at our wedding. I don't care she has the picture, I just think it needs to be somewhere else.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t think you are being at all selfish. In fact I think it’s your wife that’s being exceedingly selfish by insisting the photos stay in the album. She’s most certainly not at all concerned with your feelings and you’re her husband!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Looks like she has never come to peace yet with her ex's death. I agree with morituri. Although I've never lost a gf/wife due to death, I did have a great first gf - though we seperated due to circumstances beyond our control. I still respect my ex as a person but the feelings of love and affection are no longer there. Hence I never kept her around as a ghost as soon as I fell in love with my wife. I've moved on, and your wife has to move on too.


Excellent reply. It can be tough living with ghosts - for both of them.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StayGravity said:


> No you have it wrong. I didn't tell her to not have pictures. I just kindly asked for her to put the pictures in a different album. If you were to go look through the album, would you not find it weird to see a photograph of her wedding to her deceased husband and then the very next picture is of her and I kissing at our wedding. I don't care she has the picture, I just think it needs to be somewhere else.


You a are completely correct and are not being selfish at all. You compromise is very caompassionate as well. I am not sure why she would not just create another album. Seems respectful to both of her husbands actually.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sure, it's a little weird. 75% of what my wife does seems weird to me. That's the price of being heterosexual. If you can only tolerate behavior which seems logical and rational, you might need to look into a different sort of relationship.


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## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Sure, it's a little weird. 75% of what my wife does seems weird to me. That's the price of being heterosexual. If you can only tolerate behavior which seems logical and rational, you might need to look into a different sort of relationship.


Wow you really are Unbelievable. Good name for you I guess.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Some folks can only think in black and white, which is what keeps them stuck. Some folks are also so bitter about their own miserable relationships that they can only speak from that POV. You have to sort out the good advice from the bad on a public forum like this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your request is more than reasonable. I wouldn't like my wedding photos displayed with my wife's previous wedding photos at all and I'm not nearly as nice as you.

It's actually very creepy and the fact that she sees nothing wrong with it would set off serious alarms for me concerning how she's dealt with his death.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Your request is more than reasonable. I wouldn't like my wedding photos displayed with my wife's previous wedding photos at all and I'm not nearly as nice as you.
> 
> It's actually very creepy and the fact that she sees nothing wrong with it would set off serious alarms for me concerning how she's dealt with his death.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps one way to approach it again is from the angle of physical photo albums, assuming you have them. Those physical albums should be kept separate, because they are two separate events. If she disagrees, ask if she would be willing to put photos of the two of you getting married into her album with the photos of her and her first husband? If not, ask why.


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## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

I started this discussion last night. So far she doesn't see it as awkward or as an issue. She says she keeps them there for her daughter. I asked her to move them to a different album. 

When she said that it didn't bother her, I mentioned putting me in photo albums he is in. That is where it was left as we had to go to work. 

I will update you later on how this finished out.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It is good you started the discussion. But the issue is not what SHE feels, it's about how YOU feel. If YOU feel that it is an issue and awkward, she should move the photos to a separate album. Period. The fact that she doesn't care that it bothers you is not a good sign.

What you are asking for is reasonable. Her behavior is not. Sorry!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Concur with the majority here - your request is very reasonable. IMO you are doing a good job treading carefully and showing respect while still trying to explain how you feel.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tempest in a teapot.

What is the real issue?

Are you concerned about how she actually feels about you, and whether or not she respects you?

Or is this a simple matter of someone dumping a bunch of photos into a single bucket on FB?


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## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Tempest in a teapot.
> 
> What is the real issue?
> 
> ...



It has nothing to do with how she feels about me. It does have everything to do with if she respects our family. 

These pictures were actually put up in that album before we started dating. They remain there with our family photos and our marriage pictures. I just think out of respect for our marriage and our family that she should move these to their own folder and be accessible to my step-daughter when she wants them. I agree with some of you and wonder how she would feel if I put pictures of my son's mother in our picture albums. I would not do that, as I have more respect than to do that, but I do wonder what if the tables were turned how would she feel.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

StayGravity said:


> I agree with some of you and wonder how she would feel if I put pictures of my son's mother in our picture albums. I would not do that, as I have more respect than to do that, but I do wonder what if the tables were turned how would she feel.


And that is an excellent frame of reference to get her to think about it.

Suggest that if it's somehow emotionally difficult for her to do ... you'll be happy to make the change. That puts the onus squarely upon her to explain why/why not.

My point ... is that this shouldn't be something that the two of you continue to go back and forth over. If that becomes the case, it WILL eventually impact how each of you feels about the other.


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## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

Deejo said:


> My point ... is that this shouldn't be something that the two of you continue to go back and forth over. If that becomes the case, it WILL eventually impact how each of you feels about the other.


I know exactly what you mean, and that is why I am trying to deal with it. I do not want it to impact us in our marriage.


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## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

She finally removed them and put them in their own folder. I don't know if it was because she didn't want to hear about it anymore or because she saw it from my side. When I asked why she finally moved them, she said because I wanted her too. Any way She complied with my request.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great. Make sure you show her your appreciation. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? This would be a good time to read it.


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## StayGravity (Oct 23, 2011)

turnera said:


> Great. Make sure you show her your appreciation. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? This would be a good time to read it.



I have showed her appreciation. She wanted to go out Saturday night to a halloween party and we did just that and I told her thank you.


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