# Contemplating to confront wife on her affair while we are separated.



## Gravy (Jun 26, 2012)

I didn't put this in Coping with Infidelity because I am in the early stages of it.

My wife of over 15 years and I had a rocky last year as far as just not happy. I admittedly got pretty co-dependent on her and kept her from going out much or doing things she wanted and we became unhappy but still very functional "friends" that still had great sex. 

Finally one day she wanted a separation to "figure things out". She immediately started an EA "were just friends" that I tried eveything I could to stop. She tried a few times but it kept going and went more underground.

Our separation is unique in which we switch off every few days to share the house and the kids but neither of us have moved out while we are in this "sorting out our emotions" stage. For financial reasons and I never wanted to move out. I've been the only one pushing hard to get her back and promising changes. In the mean time, she has been going out and partying every night she's not at home and living a double life. 

She has started staying at hotels secretly and I found out recently that there is someone she is staying with but I don't know him or anything about him. I suspected it for few weeks (it's been 8 since our separation began) I do not know if it's the same guy as the EA or not but I suspect it is. I know for a fact they never go to his house it's always a hotel. Different one each time.

She's basically every definition of a cake eater, but since our situation is- we are separated and she doesn't really ever show much hope of working it out except going to MC with me and trying to get along for the kids sake, but she hasn't closed the door on everything yet. She just says it's going to take her some time to get over the last year and it may or may not work out. Nothing but negatives come out of her, I feel like her ex already. 

I am on the fence of telling her I know about the affair and asking what are we going to do about it... you have to pick our marriage or not... or just keep waiting and see if this double life thing will wear off and be just a phase that we can work through. 

I know most guys would tell her to screw off and go to the attorney, but I have been with her for most of my life and she's never even lied to me. Always very loyal... this just isn't her. We have two young children so I have been trying everthing I can to salvage our marriage.

I only feel if I tell her I know, she will get very pissed that I've been following her because all shes been insisting on is giving her space since we are in a separation. Now I know why, and it will just push us apart for good and start a divorce which might be inevitable anyway. But I also feel like I can't keep living like this and need to stand up for myself.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Dude she checked out of the marriage and is regularly shagging another man, why are you still hoping confronting her will change things?

The faster you 'get' that the sooner you'll heal.


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

I respect that you are trying to make things better. Just be prepared that you might have to end this.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Gravy said:


> I didn't put this in Coping with Infidelity because I am in the early stages of it.
> 
> My wife of over 15 years and I had a rocky last year as far as just not happy. I admittedly got pretty co-dependent on her and kept her from going out much or doing things she wanted and we became unhappy but still very functional "friends" that still had great sex.
> 
> ...


She never lied to you? That was until the pre-separation speech. Did she hit you with a we need time apart to figure things out, we are not happy. You're a great dad but the connections is over speech? If so then while she was telling you that she was already talking and having EA/PA with the other man. Im almost 100 % sure of that. 

Confront her and tell her you know everything. Dont give her details. Dont be afraid of her being mad of course she will be mad you just found out shes cheating. 

Very important to see what her reaction will be. If she starts blaming the affair on you, thats not true remorse and is blameshifting very typical of cheaters. 

I suggest you act strong and put in divorce papers. That is the only way she will snap out of it and see what the consequences are. If you dance with her and don't show true/real determination she will cake-eat and play you.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

IMHO, It simply is a choice that you have to make. Are you willing to have your W sleep with whoever she wants, when she wants? As soon as things go bad, she will run back to you. You are her back up plan. Do you really want that? Is that a marriage? Expose it, its the only possible way to get her back if thats the route you choose. Me and the family or Him. Just be prepared if she decides him. As for me, I knew that I could never trust her again and let her go. Its your choice. Sorry this is happening to you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm sorry, but I can't really see any possible good out of any of this. It is more than obvious that she's cheated, she's lied to you, and has obviously checked out of the marriage. You deserve so much better in life. Please get in touch with an attorney and get the ball rolling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case different hotels ment different boy friends. each boy friend had there own hotel they felt comfortable at.

Having been there, I can tell you for the past year your wife has been on a road to self distruction b/c she continues to get used and abused by other men and it plays a toll on your self respect....ask my wife!

So I strongly suggest you take the steps to confront her with confidence in letting her go and *are* ..not will...but *are* filing for divorce and if she changes her ways before the divorce is finalized then she can work on keeping you around.

See brother if she wants you to save her she will let you but you have to have the tough love that shows her consequences. She needs to see that you will no longer tolorate her dangerous life style and can move on with out her.


I get it bro you don't want to push her away, but you will continue to see her behavior deteriorate as you continue to do nothing b/c your to scared to step up and face her.

I went 13 years like you and after my wife sleeped with 20 guys, and getting in to strange guys cars and going to strange places and .....well lets just say she started getting worse! 

Dude you need to face this and you diserve good things.Your chick can choose either a healthier life with you or move on so she is no longer your problem.

Its just not worth it man.

You have to force a change for *yourself* and it will then be up to her to come along with you or not.

So confront her, not about her crappy life style, but about what you diserve and lets face it, she knows whats she's doing, you don't have to prove nothing to her. As long as you know the truth you have the power to take the next step thats best for you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Gravy, wake up and smell the coffee.
She wanted a separation to "figure out" whether she wanted to be with you or her boyfriend(s).

If you do nothing, she will spin out of her new thrill and decide that you are the one.
Of course, she'll never actually admit this, she will have a revelation that she really does love you after all, when the truth is that her boyfriend dumped her.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

"we are separated and she doesn't really ever show much hope of working it out except going to MC "

Don't waste your time and money in MC -- she is having an affair and is out of the marriage and will lie in MC.

For yourself -- do IC --


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Gravy said:


> I didn't put this in Coping with Infidelity because I am in the early stages of it.
> 
> My wife of over 15 years and I had a rocky last year as far as just not happy. I admittedly got pretty co-dependent on her and kept her from going out much or doing things she wanted and we became unhappy but still very functional "friends" that still had great sex.
> 
> ...


OM is married or in a relationship, which is why they aren't going to HIS home and instead, are going to a hotel.

Get more info on the OM. Can you check her phone messages? Computer? Put a VAR in her vehicle? Hire an Investigator? How is that you know about the hotel? Then yes, absolutely confront her *and* the OM's wife if need be. You see, for now she is in "happy land" aka "the fog" with her secret OM. Expose the whole thing. There can be no reconciliation until this secret sees the light of day and she fully realizes what she has done to the family.

Read the Coping with Infidelity forum and participate in the discussions there. The "early stages" is exactly why you need the help of the people on that forum. They can help you sort through the "early stages" and advise you as to how to proceed. I wish I had known about that forum when I discovered my H was cheating. You will get the best advise and help from there.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DanF said:


> Gravy, wake up and smell the coffee.
> She wanted a separation to "figure out" whether she wanted to be with you or her boyfriend(s).
> 
> If you do nothing, she will spin out of her new thrill and decide that you are the one.
> Of course, she'll never actually admit this, she will have a revelation that she really does love you after all, when the truth is that her boyfriend dumped her.


Before she "moves on" to the next new and exciting posOM.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Gravy said:


> but I have been with her for most of my life and she's never even lied to me. Always very loyal... this just isn't her. We have two young children so I have been trying everthing I can to salvage our marriage.
> 
> I only feel if I tell her I know, she will get very pissed that I've been following her because all shes been insisting on is giving her space since we are in a separation. Now I know why, and it will just push us apart for good and start a divorce which might be inevitable anyway. But I also feel like I can't keep living like this and need to stand up for myself.


Sorry to hear to are going through this. The first paragraph I've quoted....time and time again, that is how it goes. Unfortunately many get blind sided by it, or refuse to even acknowledge "they could ever lie/do this". So big plus for you there in doing your digging.

Regarding confronting - I say do, but be very very sure of what evidence you have gathered. Not because I think by doing so will particularly save anything, at least at this stage but more your own peace of mind (as per lifescripts advice). When you do confront, do not reveal what you've got right away...try and get her to talk about it first. Unfortunately, be prepared to hear a lot of lies, her getting angry with you and so on. Again, as per what lifescript said, it's her reaction you are looking at...although it won't be pleasant I think you'll ultimately find it useful to see and hear.

Asides from that, and regardless of whether you do confront or not, it's time to try and accept what may be, and make yourself the priority. So many of us here, we've put up with a lot to try and hold a family together....but when you've got a spouse who puts themselves above that family concept, at that point your relationship is unhealthy with the potential for you to become a doormat, and despite your good intentions unless THEY truly change their feelings (as opposed to you), you are better of without them.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to move this over to coping with infedlity. First she is not going to stop just because you confront her. You need to take a few steps and right now.

1. File for divorce and have her served right away at work is always good. You do not have to go through with if if things change.

2. Confront her that you know what she is up to and leave it at that.

3. Since she is coming to the house put a key logger on your computrer, stick a VAR and a GPS in her car. This will eventualy tell you who with.

4 Once you know who expose. In the mean time. Let her family know you filed for divorce and the why is the cheating.

5. You need to do the 180.

6. Get your self into IC right away and go to a Dr and get checked out. BP, sleep disorders, stds, tell your Dr what is going on so he can keep and eye on you. 

7. Kick her out pack her things and put them on the curb. It will be hard but she is in a fog and she needs a wake up call


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Expose her affair to her OM's wife or GF and expose your wife to her family and friends.

Quit MC because it's a waste of time and money and she's only going so she can tell everyone after the divorce "Well I really tried to save the marriage and even went to MC with him but...."


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