# Not Getting Enough Intimacy (aka Sex)



## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi. My H and I are in the process of reconciliation and I have to say that he, as WS, is doing pretty well in showing remorse. While our situation is less than ideal (his work takes him away from us so that he can only come home 2 to 3 times a week) and he still has LOTS of things he can do to help improve the marriage, what he's doing now is pretty promising.

For one, he has never been transparent to me as he is now. He comes home (unscheduled) sometimes even if it means a mere 3 hour sleep for him just because he thinks I might need it to help calm my fears (which I do!). He makes sure he spends the weekend with the kids. And he does his best to understand my mood swings.

What I am having an additional problem wrapping my head around though is his lack of desire for me. I know, it should be obvious that it's because he's pining for the OW. So I asked him outright and told him that his seeming lack of desire hurts me and leaves me feeling scared and rejected. He says it's really not about his desire for the OW, which he claims he rarely thinks about these days being so busy and all. He says that he still does have desire for me, which is true since we do have sex maybe once to twice a week. During those times I'm sure he's not faking it just to please me and he clearly wants it. He says that mostly his libido is still not that up (him being out of shape and just bust-tired from work) and that during the times he can't do it (and distracts me...thinking I won't recognize it as rejection!!!) it's because he feels too guilty.

I get the libido part, he's never been a sex machine in terms of frequency (but he is good when he's in the mood!). But the guilt part confuses me. Yes, he might feel guilty, but doesn't he realize that it hurts me more when I'm rejected. 

My primary love language is words of affection, but I also score highly on physical touch. This is probably why it hurts me so much, plus I might be going through hysterical bonding...but going through it alone. 

How should I go about this? He's said sorry for it, but it doesn't make me feel better. I want him to want me. And yes, I'm taking better care of myself now. Not flattering myself, but I'm not the fugliest person in the world and after the pounds I've lost am back in my high school shape (seriously! Yay for the weight loss post- dday). It just makes me so sad whenever I try to fondle him and he just snores pulls my hand away, hugs me, then snores away. It's not helping him either score points with me.

Help anyone?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

For a very long time, I always thought "What must he think of me" when being intimate with my husband. It was a big turn off for me. Your husband might be feeling the same and it might take time.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

*For a very long time, I always thought "What must he think of me" when being intimate with my husband. It was a big turn off for me. Your husband might be feeling the same and it might take time.
*
Well that sucks.  Because what I am (mostly) thinking is that I want to be with him. He's been my one and only. I'm giving him all of me, gifting him my body and trust despite the previous hurt. Telling him that I still accept him and want him to be part of my life. That is what I tell him whenever I approach him to have sex. And that is what's rejected whenever he (subtly?) says no. 

When I do trigger and think of the OW, I stop. 

So maybe I should tell him what I said above? But it'll probably just make him feel pressured...


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I agree with fourtyplus here. It's probably the shame and the mental drainage that's been going on since d day added with the stress of work and travel. And you're lucky you're being intimate atleast once or twice a week, some couples go months without it. 

I think you should tell him that showing you more desire and being more intimate given that he travels alot and you don't see him as much, goes a long way in the healing process and helps ease your mind. Approach him soft and gently, don't make it like he has to do it out of obligation, but make sure you get your point across and I'm sure he'll come around.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Tell him, tell him and tell him some more. Somehow you have to get it through to him that this is a very
Important need of yours. Don't use hints or casual conversation. Show him this thread if you have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

He called and we talked some. He assured me that it is indeed his guilt and current "ruined" state that kills his desire. He says that what he did has ruined him in my eyes. FourtyPlus I guess is right that he's thinking "what does she think of me" thoughts.

So I told him exactly what I wrote up there, how each time I approach him it means giving him my love and accepting him, and how rejection of that feels. He says he's sorry, am sure he is, but we'll see when he gets home in a few days if he really was able to wrap his head around it.

As for the being lucky part I, I guess that set my expectations straight. Was feeling envious of the other posters here who are going through hysterical bonding. No one seemed to be posting about the BS wanting it and being rejected! It always seemed to be like the BS got turned off if no sex was happening. So I was feeling bad because I thought something must just be out of whack for us. 
Complexity - Thanks for pointing out that with others nothing happens for months.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I agree with fourtyplus here. It's probably the shame and the mental drainage that's been going on since d day added with the stress of work and travel. And you're lucky you're being intimate atleast once or twice a week, some couples go months without it.
> 
> I think you should tell him that showing you more desire and being more intimate given that he travels alot and you don't see him as much, goes a long way in the healing process and helps ease your mind. Approach him soft and gently, don't make it like he has to do it out of obligation, but make sure you get your point across and I'm sure he'll come around.


I agree. A part of it could be from GUILT as well. Thought that "What she/he might be thinking about ...?". It takes time, calmness and understanding. Sometimes, humour works better.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

It might take time to sink in. I would also say that his job schedule might be to blame a tiny bit. 
If you are going through "hysterical bonding", it will pass and your sex drive might return to normal. Our hysterical bonding started on Dday and lasted for a good 6 months I think. I thought my husband had been abducted by aliens and turned into a sex crazy lovemachine.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife had no passion after d-day and it pissed me off. I finally went off on her and told her that for about 1 1/2 she had passion for other men and I went through the details of her passion. I told her that we had passion before and even during her affairs. I told her she better get it back quit or I am leaving. Keep in mind d-day for me was about a month ago so my anger has been driving me quite a bit. 

My wife got it and though I may have forced the issue she did hear me and she has passion. Like I said in another post she can't fake it.

I would tell him to stop coming up with excuses and figure it out and give you some passionate loving. Like most of us who have been betrayed and trying to work things out we need that connection.

Hope things go well for you.


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