# Is divorce the answer to this?



## John777 (Dec 13, 2008)

Hi,

My wife left me last Sunday. I came home from work and she had gone. She has gone to her parents 150 miles away and taken her 11 year old girl ( not my biological daughter ) and our 18 month old girl. We have been married 2 years but together since 2002. We were having a few issues but nothing major, she did suffer post natal depression and continued to have bouts of real dark moods. For 90% of the time our marriage was good and worked well.

She of course blames me. She claims I am depressed and bad tempered. I certainly am down at the moment but have never been depressed in my life. I can also be bad tempered from time to time but never toward her ( save 1 incident ) and not violent or threatening. 

I spoke to her yesterday and she says she loves me with all her heart. She says we need to start again, back to basics and rebuild the marriage somehow. But she is not coming back any-time soon and has already re-schooled the 11 year old girl! She says there may be a possibility that if we could sell the family home we could buy a new one near her parents, but she is definitely not coming back to here. This is the thing that she never really settled down south and misses her family. If I go there this would mean me being away for a week as I cannot change my job, or location. 

I feel livid, really humiliated that she ran off without telling me, no note, text, nothing. She also says that the only way I can see my daughter is by visiting her parents house. I really feel that this is unreasonable behaviour and I cannot believe she has done this to me, my friends and family are stunned by this bizarre behaviour. 

I am getting by day to day but it is tough, really really tough coming to terms with this, I just feel that there was not so much wrong in our relationship that warranted such a response. 

I'm still in love with her, but feel very confused. I know I cant maintain a long distance relationship as I think separation causes drift in the way people feel about each other. I am a very practical person and able to rationalise things but how to fit all this together I just do not know.

I would be interested in hearing advice/opinions, thanks for reading. 

John.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

Hello!

I'm sorry for what your are going through. It really hurts. My husband left me after 30 years of marriage. He sent me an email while I was at work telling me he had moved out. After three months I have still not seen or actually spoken to him - he will only email.

I feel there is still hope for you. Your wife says that she loves you and that you can start again. At least you have something to work with. My husband left me for another woman (that he had known for 2 months) and is "happy" on the new path he has chosen and did not want to come home and try to fix things. Just try to stay calm and take things slowly. Recognize that your feelings of hurt and confusion are normal and to be expected. You do not need to have all the answers right now. It is hard to explain a another person's irrational behavior and you can drive yourself crazy trying to do so. No matter how much you want to, you cannot control the actions of another, only your own. It may be helpful to see a counselor to sort out the real issues. Try to give each other a little breathing room so you can devise a rational plan to make your marriage work. It is worth trying to save.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

John777 said:


> She says there may be a possibility that if we could sell the family home we could buy a new one near her parents, but she is definitely not coming back to here. This is the thing that she never really settled down south and misses her family. If I go there this would mean me being away for a week as I cannot change my job, or location.


the house thing, i have my own explanation...my wife suffers from depression ans SAD...she has blamed our house for our run of bad luck (oldest daughter, a major college soccer goalkeeper prospect suffered a career-ending traumatic head injury, i suffered a near fatal stroke, we've suffered through numerous financial oopses over the past couple of years). she says the house is jinxed. so maybe your wife's depression leads her to feel negative towards the house and wants away from it. my counselor says that is not terribly rare. it's a form of geographing. just fyi.



John777 said:


> I am getting by day to day but it is tough, really really tough coming to terms with this, I just feel that there was not so much wrong in our relationship that warranted such a response.


another mark of depression. over-reaction to circumstances.




John777 said:


> I'm still in love with her, but feel very confused. I know I cant maintain a long distance relationship as I think separation causes drift in the way people feel about each other. I am a very practical person and able to rationalise things but how to fit all this together I just do not know.


not necessarily true. separation can give the distance one needs between themselves and circumstances. sometimes separation serves as the needed buffer between a person and abusive behavior. sometimes it just provides a "hiding place." don't take offense to any of those things, just use the separation time to try and ascertain what is causing her erratic behavior. maybe suggest she go see your family doctor and get a depression screening done. it's a simple 10 question quiz, and it may reveal something.

again, don't be offended by her decision to separate. it does not sound like you are the bad guy. she'll figure that out.


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## Rori Raye (Dec 14, 2008)

Whoa - I'm so sorry you're going through this - and I can't imagine why you or anyone else here haven't mentioned this - your wife CANNOT take your daughter away to another state and refuse you visitation! You must get an attorney immediately and find a way to get time with your child. Period. I'm actually completely baffled by your passivity and seeming lack of interest in seeing your child. 150 miles is surmountable until you can get a legal solution. There are father's organizations out there that will support you for free. If this were me, my child would be my ONLY focus - forget about the wife. Perhaps there's something I'm missing here, and your wife had good reason to run away. Perhaps she felt unsafe with you. My advice is to get some professional help and discover what your situation exactly IS rather than trying to guess.


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## John777 (Dec 13, 2008)

Thank you all for your replies.

now_what:

Thank you for your reply and thought out response. I think you wrote some very wise words, that must be female intuition and knowledge because I have written an update from today below and what you mentioned is pretty much spot on. I was stunned reading your circumstances as well, I really do hope you can find a way forward.

Voivod: 

I am so taken aback by what has happened to you. How on earth have you managed to come through so much and survived? I had to think how lucky I am and get some perspective after reading your story. What you wrote to me was also very true and rational, it got me thinking and got me a bit back on track as well. Thanks for taking the time buddy, much appreciated.

Rori:

Thanks for your reply but in the UK things are a little different. I hear what you say but lawyers and letters do not always help. I am not so passive as you think and want my child desperately, but involving legal will delay that. Please read update but thanks for your for opinion.

UPDATE:
I saw my wife and 18 month old daughter today. It was relaxed, good and productive. We met halfway in a B road by a farmers gate, got out of the cars and fell in to each others arms. We went for a meal and talked, not dwelling on what has happened more on what we are going to do. The love, trust and needing is there. She agreed to spend all my days when off work coming back here with the kids so we can be a normal family for that time. The rest of the week she is at home with parents getting the support and space she needs. We also agreed our faults and where we need to improve and be more considerate. She is going to get the pro help for her depression and I am going to see a counsellor to help me understand what to do.

Tonight I might sleep. There is much to do but at least I now have a roadmap. 

John.


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## keefy1972 (Dec 8, 2008)

John777 said:


> We also agreed our faults and where we need to improve and be more considerate. She is going to get the pro help for her depression and I am going to see a counsellor to help me understand what to do.


It made me very happy to see this! Your initial post showed that you were in some sort of a denial that you were at fault for anything when you said, "She of course blames me. She claims I am depressed and bad tempered. I certainly am down at the moment but have never been depressed in my life. I can also be bad tempered from time to time but never toward her ( save 1 incident ) and not violent or threatening". 

It's wonderful that you are now more accepting that maybe you played a role in her leaving, and more importantly, are going to be taking steps to fix whatever might be wrong. Bravo!


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