# Now THIS is more like it!



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ok, my friends...I'm learning enough not to let my guard down or get complacent, but tonight was a great night! 
AND...even if my hubby doesn't continue to show signs of finally getting it, there are LOTS more great nights in my future. 
And I think HE knows that.

We're on a kickball team with mutual friends who I worked with last year (H still works with them part time)
So I ran from home to the field to meet him and everyone else there, but couldn't find them. Called H.
Tried to tell him where I was and get directions, and he lost his patience and snapped at me (of course).
Within 2 minutes...In the middle of my sentence he got exasperated and said, "Here, talk to B!" (my former colleague)
Gave B the phone, who patiently and easily gave me directions. B is a guy.
Got to the field, said "thanks, B!", was fun and friendly with everyone, and cool with him but not rude.

After the game when we got in the car, H apologized for snapping earlier.
I thanked him then calmly asked him to be patient on the phone if i'm trying to tell him where i am.
He tried to explain how I had somehow been "wrong," but I didn't let him...stood my ground.

Got to the bar with our friends. I was fun, friendly, relaxed, and interesting.
At one point H was talking about our wedding weekend and he said: "We didn't have a wedding; we had a spring break party weekend for everyone else!"
I turned from the conversation I was in and said, still smiling, "We had a wedding."
When he kept going on and on about it, I went to the bar to get some water---but I did not get emotional or pissy. End of that dumb topic.

After we left the bar--both of us still laughing and having fun, he said "OK...what are you upset at me about?" 
I literally LOLed: "do I look or sound upset?"
he said "no..."
I said, still in a positive tone (ie not pissy), "Honey, why don't you stop telling me about MY feelings and start thinking about your own?"
End of that. Got takeout and got in the car.
He said: "So.... what were you and that guy talking about?"
(it was not flirting--we were talking about religion, and H was at the table with us.)
With zero drama or tension, I lightheartedly told him what we'd been talking about.

Got home, ate...I took a shower, and then my husband couldn't keep his hands off me.

I am 100% certain that the way I'm carrying myself now has a lot to do with the positive turn.
In the old days, when he snapped on the phone, I wouldve ripped him a new one when i got to the field and/or later.
I wouldve made an issue out of the stupid wedding comment.

Now, I let him see for himself just how embarrassing his immaturity can be.
And this may sound shallow, but...it's also QUITE ok for him to see how interesting other men find me, and how grownup men give directions without throwing the phone.

I am keeping my guard up...and I am still sticking to what MEM called "plan A."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lunalady (Aug 11, 2010)

Credam, I'm very happy for you. I've been tracing your posts ever since you helped me once with a problem I had. Inexperienced as I am, I don't have much advice to offer, but I think you're on the right track and that's really nice to see


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

lunalady said:


> Credam, I'm very happy for you. I've been tracing your posts ever since you helped me once with a problem I had. Inexperienced as I am, I don't have much advice to offer, but I think you're on the right track and that's really nice to see


Thank you!
I haven't seen posts from you in awhile, I hope things are going well for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lunalady (Aug 11, 2010)

Things are going well, thanks. We all have a lifetime of learning


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Good for you! Keep up the good work!


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Fabulous!! It's funny but I'm having similar conversations with my own husband (different circumstance again obviously but similar). I'm paying attention now and I find that he too likes to say "what are you upset about" or he likes to put words in my mouth. I'm giving it back to him calmly just like you are and it works amazingly well. Like you I'm good, happy and peaceful any negativity he feels he can take ownership of it cause it sure isn't mine.


----------



## meridian.1960 (Apr 22, 2011)

In a word "AWESOME!"

I am very happy for you.

Warmly,

Meridian


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Credam,

You're on it now.

Don't let down/up.

Soda machine permanently on "tilt".

Buttons don't work.

And, he isn't "getting away" with anything.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That was relentless execution of plan A.

Excellent. He is very full of mischief - going after the wedding is like going for the jugular with most women. 

Creda - you have just earned "alpha of the week award". Hats off to you.




credamdóchasgra said:


> Ok, my friends...I'm learning enough not to let my guard down or get complacent, but tonight was a great night!
> AND...even if my hubby doesn't continue to show signs of finally getting it, there are LOTS more great nights in my future.
> And I think HE knows that.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> That was relentless execution of plan A.
> 
> Excellent. He is very full of mischief - going after the wedding is like going for the jugular with most women.
> 
> ...


Thanks!

The tedious latest:

Roundabout discussion of what shall we do for dinner, back and forth and yadda and yadda.
I laughed and made jokes about my own indecision.
He joked with me....

And THEN pulled out his pointless pouting line:
"And I'm the one who's going to get yelled at."
me, still laughing: "oh really?"
him: "yes. Because I'm actually pretty annoyed right now." turned his pouty face to a magazine.
me, still lighthearted: "well, that's your problem. Usually it's the annoyed one who does the yelling. I have no intention of yelling at you."

Then I put on my shoes, gave him a deadpan, emotionless look, and walked out the door to go pick up dinner.
No door-slamming or haughty reaction from me. 

Without kissing him goodbye.
---->was this nasty of me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You did nothing wrong. I literally cannot understand what he meant. Why was he "really annoyed"? 

It is fair to ask him - "why did you think I was going to yell at you"? And just listen - if his response is silly - just smile. 

And then: "why were you annoyed with me"?

If he claims because you being indecisive is annoying just nod. Then pause a bit and add "If something I am doing is starting to annoy you - feel free to tell me - if you can do it in a humorous fashion all the better. If not, that is ok as well. In general I think it best if either of us wants to share that they "ARE" annoyed, it is also a good idea to volunteer why. 




credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks!
> 
> The tedious latest:
> 
> ...


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM,

I picture this individual with a pacifier in his mouth pushing the "Mountain Dew" button on a soda machine as hard as he can. When it won't work, he beats it with his fist, kicks it with his feat, screams at it, and rocks the machine back and forth.

Nothing doing.



MEM11363 said:


> You did nothing wrong. I literally cannot understand what he meant. Why was he "really annoyed"?
> 
> It is fair to ask him - "why did you think I was going to yell at you"? And just listen - if his response is silly - just smile.
> 
> ...


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes - he is quite tenacious.




Conrad said:


> MEM,
> 
> I picture this individual with a pacifier in his mouth pushing the "Mountain Dew" button on a soda machine as hard as he can. When it won't work, he beats it with his fist, kicks it with his feat, screams at it, and rocks the machine back and forth.
> 
> Nothing doing.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> You did nothing wrong. I literally cannot understand what he meant. Why was he "really annoyed"?
> 
> It is fair to ask him - "why did you think I was going to yell at you"? And just listen - if his response is silly - just smile.
> 
> ...


Yes...I know that's why he was annoyed. My indecisiveness. And he was hungry. 

What bugs me is being told I'm going to yell at him.
At this point in the game, when that's his default, I'm opting to defuse such poor communication, rather than validate and address what's underneath (he is annoyed).

It seems to be an attempt to push my button and get the fight from me:
*get me to yell at him,* the poor baby.

Defusing with: "lighten up. I'm light."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> MEM,
> 
> I picture this individual with a pacifier in his mouth pushing the "Mountain Dew" button on a soda machine as hard as he can. When it won't work, he beats it with his fist, kicks it with his feat, screams at it, and rocks the machine back and forth.
> 
> Nothing doing.


Thanks for the LOL.

I could not make the progress I'm making without this board.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I was told on this board that when we change it takes a while before the other person stops reacting as if we were the old person. In the past his annoyance would have made you yell at him right? It's an old but familiar dance. It's all he knows.

FWIW it's perfectly okay for him to be hungry AND annoyed. The part that's not okay is taking it out on you.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I was told on this board that when we change it takes a while before the other person stops reacting as if we were the old person. In the past his annoyance would have made you yell at him right? It's an old but familiar dance. It's all he knows.
> 
> FWIW it's perfectly okay for him to be hungry AND annoyed. The part that's not okay is taking it out on you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

My w can be incredibly ummmm thorough in evaluating options. 
Yep thorough, very very thorough. Sometimes when picking a place to eat I ask her "how late you think the kitchen is open"?
Usually speeds things up a bit.




MEM11363 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> My w can be incredibly ummmm thorough in evaluating options.
> Yep thorough, very very thorough. Sometimes when picking a place to eat I ask her "how late you think the kitchen is open"?
> Usually speeds things up a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's cute 

I came home with dinner and he was all sweetness and smiles.
I'm sure he thought he was in trouble and about to be yelled at. :/

The paranoid sweetness lasted about 5 minutes.

Now we're coasting in neutral.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

The night turned bad 

I played a role in the start of the breakdown, and then he went nuts.
He got nasty and mean.

I owned my part in the start of the breakdown.
Then I stayed cool and calm in the face of his lunacy, and wouldn't sleep in the bed with him because of how he'd talked to me.

I have the distinct feeling that he utterly despises me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I have the distinct feeling that he utterly despises me.


No he despises himself. Classic projection. You are giving him back his nastiness and he doesn't like it.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> No he despises himself. Classic projection. You are giving him back his nastiness and he doesn't like it.


I refrained from nastiness.
I got animated about making a point about a movie.
He saw this as "pushy" and annoying.
So he went on vicious attack, criticizing many parts of my character.
Called me a "narcissist," who's used to getting whatever she wants from people, and can't handle being told the truth about herself.
His role in my life is to show me all my flaws so I can grow.
Wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I refrained from nastiness.
> I got animated about making a point about a movie.
> He saw this as "pushy" and annoying.
> So he went on vicious attack, criticizing many parts of my character.
> ...


And you turn sweetly, smile, and say, "That sounds like a very heavy burden"


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> And you turn sweetly, smile, and say, "That sounds like a very heavy burden"


Now what?
Move on as if it didn't happen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Now what?
> Move on as if it didn't happen?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes leave it with him. Go on just as you have been. You can do this! He wants to suck you into another argument can't you see that? Keep being your low key happy self. That's better than any fight you can have with him.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Yes leave it with him. Go on just as you have been. You can do this! He wants to suck you into another argument can't you see that? Keep being your low key happy self. That's better than any fight you can have with him.


I'm kicking myself because I gave him something to sink his teeth into.
He's all too ready to jump on a ***** in my armor.
I shouldn't have provoked. 
Guess I was testing too. 
Backslide. Stupid. I know better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm kicking myself because I gave him something to sink his teeth into.
> He's all too ready to jump on a ***** in my armor.
> I shouldn't have provoked.
> Guess I was testing too.
> Backslide. Stupid. I know better.


It happens to everyone when they start to make huge life altering changes. Don't beat yourself up just start over. Call it a learning experience and move on. Today is a new day.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> It happens to everyone when they start to make huge life altering changes. Don't beat yourself up just start over. Call it a learning experience and move on. Today is a new day.


If I had a nickel...

Thanks for the encouragement, mg...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

This may sound ridiculous, but I'm doing something different to keep myself on track in STOPPING whatever behaviors keep us from moving forward...a points system!!!

I give myself a point every time:

I don't bring up some comment he made that rubbed me the wrong way
I don't "push for more" in any way...like "y'know what i mean..y'know?" 
I disarm some "zinger" criticism or button-push with either humor, or a "zing" right back
I ignore or neutrally respond to a criticism or shot he takes
I stop myself from going into "harping/lecture mode" when I want to make a point.
I stop his rampant temper in its tracks by calmly walking away or holding up my hand

At 10 points, I give myself a reward. 

Sounds nuts, but I've done stuff like this with elementary school kids many times. Why not with myself?


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes...I know that's why he was annoyed. My indecisiveness. And he was hungry.
> 
> What bugs me is being told I'm going to yell at him.
> At this point in the game, when that's his default, I'm opting to defuse such poor communication, rather than validate and address what's underneath (he is annoyed).
> ...


This is exactly what the book I'm reading talks about.

He "expects" negativity from you - he's waiting for it - looking for it - when you don't follow the script - it throws him off.

I'm HAPPY for you, I know what kind of struggle this is - I have a big one myself.

But like I said in the other post - if he can't/won't change - accept that and move on. Control and own YOUR reactions to what happens - this is exactly what you did and it diffused the situation - doesn't matter WHO did it - it got done and you/he feel better.

You don't need him to help you make the changes to bring you closer together - you can do it without him - he will respond in kind - he won't be able to help it - it's all basic human behavior.

"ONE" can truly bring the "TWO" of you together.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the BOTH of us.

Keep it up!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> This may sound ridiculous, but I'm doing something different to keep myself on track in STOPPING whatever behaviors keep us from moving forward...a points system!!!
> 
> I give myself a point every time:
> 
> ...


READ THE BOOK!

You are starting to do what it says - this post is an example of what it talks about.

Amazing how something so relatively small can make such a big change and it all starts with recognizing his POV also - not agreeing to it - just recognizing that its valid to HIM. And, controlling your "reactions" to what he does/says and when he tries to bait you.

It's working for me and while this is a first step - it has already shown that IT WILL work for you.

I'm so excited to start this new journey and excited for you that you are heading there too.


----------

