# Wife had an abortion 5 years ago,now wants to adopt sisters kid



## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

My wife had an abortion about 5 years ago.We did it basically because we didn't want the financial burden of having child.We were both in agreement about it.We've had her sisters 6 week old daughter for a few days and her sister is in a tight situation.I won't get into specifics right now.But my wife is talking about legally adopting her child.I get the feeling from our conversations that she is considering this out of guilt about the abortion.I have guilt about it from time to time as well...My wife and I 's financial situation isn't a whole lot better than it was at the time of the abortion....Personally I'm against it...Right now,we're working our way through our first "rough patch"of our marriage and I don't know if raising this child together would perhaps bond us closer or pull us father apart..I'm worried the baby may get in the way..I don't want to be an a$$hole about it...I'm really leaning towards telling my wife flat out that we can't adopt her,but she really wants to.I'm worried this could get her further upset with me...Not a good situation here...Again,I believe she feels guilty about the abortion wants a "second chance",so to speak.Any women on here have had abortions?If so was there any guilt?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Jack I said:


> My wife had an abortion about 5 years ago.We did it basically because we didn't want the financial burden of having child.We were both in agreement about it.We've had her sisters 6 week old daughter for a few days and her sister is in a tight situation.I won't get into specifics right now.But my wife is talking about legally adopting her child.I get the feeling from our conversations that she is considering this out of guilt about the abortion.I have guilt about it from time to time as well...My wife and I 's financial situation isn't a whole lot better than it was at the time of the abortion....Personally I'm against it...Right now,we're working our way through our first "rough patch"of our marriage and I don't know if raising this child together would perhaps bond us closer or pull us father apart..I'm worried the baby may get in the way..I don't want to be an a$$hole about it...I'm really leaning to wards telling my wife flat out that we can't adopt her,but she really wants to.I'm worried this could get her further upset with me...Not a good situation here...Again,I believe she feels guilty about the abortion wants a "second chance",so to speak.Any women on here have had abortions?If so was there any guilt?


Well I'm not a woman but what I can tell you is that adopting this child will not bring you closer. It will add to the issues and make the entire situation even more chaotic. If you aren't behind this 100% you will not accept the child and that will drive you and your wife further apart. And if your wife is having guilt over the abortion she should work that out in counseling rather than use someone else's life as a panacea.


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

I concur with B.. Kids are a huge stresser of relationships... If both party aren't on the same page about it then it definitly has the potential to create more problems..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

kids aren't solutions, they're additions and in some cases they exacerbate problems

what's the rush to adopt?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack, OK, listen. You are having marital troubles. You don't get what is so special about babies. You keep asking, or at least harping on, the same question over and over again. Your MIL just moved in with you. What, pray tell, are you thinking regarding possibly adopting a child when you have all this upheaval in your life as it is??? Your wife just lost a lot of weight after surgery. You are trying to get to know each other again. Again, I ask... how can you think a baby will help this situation? You really need to sit down and lay it all out on the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Honestly, you seem to post more threads here than have honest, open communication with your wife. And then the advice you get here only seems to go in one ear and out the other. 

Talk to your wife. Explain how you feel. Then, let her talk to you and explain how she feels. Don't judge, don't condemn. Speak respectfully.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If it was my brother's kid I would take them in and care for them if he was in a jam of some sorts. But I would not adopt them.

What happens if your wife's sister wants the kid back? And if your wife gets attached to the child, that could turn into one big ugly court battle that will just destroy not only your family but hers also.

The only reason I would adopt would be if something happened to my brother and his wife.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Jack, OK, listen. You are having marital troubles. You don't get what is so special about babies. You keep asking, or at least harping on, the same question over and over again. Your MIL just moved in with you. What, pray tell, are you thinking regarding possibly adopting a child when you have all this upheaval in your life as it is??? Your wife just lost a lot of weight after surgery. You are trying to get to know each other again. Again, I ask... how can you think a baby will help this situation? You really need to sit down and lay it all out on the table.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess my inexperience with raising kids led me to believe that perhaps when a couple raises a child that could bond them closer....I didn't think so, I just thought perhaps...My wife and I have been making progress in our rough patch,so I was a little afraid that turning her down as far as adopting the kid would get her disappointed with me and pull us further apart.....Anyway,I told her today we couldn't adopt the kid....She didn't seem all that disappointed....The kid may end up in foster care which I don't want because I grew up in foster care and I know firsthand that people adopt kids for the wrong reasons.I had to think of our situation and put it above her sister's kid so.........


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Jack I said:


> I guess my inexperience with raising kids led me to believe that perhaps when a couple raises a child that could bond them closer....I didn't think so, I just thought perhaps...My wife and I have been making progress in our rough patch,so I was a little afraid that turning her down as far as adopting the kid would get her disappointed with me and pull us further apart.....Anyway,I told her today we couldn't adopt the kid....She didn't seem all that disappointed....The kid may end up in foster care which I don't want because I grew up in foster care and I know firsthand that people adopt kids for the wrong reasons.I had to think of our situation and put it above her sister's kid so.........


Can't you just have the kid stay with you guys if necessary for a while rather than rushing forward with a legal adoption. That said, I don't think you need any more chaos in your life at this time.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Is there a chance the child will go into care if you do not adopt it?
I'm not going to advise you on what to do here but I know I could NEVER let that happen to my niece or nephew.
Money? If we had waited until we had enough of that we would never have had any! How much is enough anyway?
Maybe you could just foster the child until SIL is in a better situation and able to look after the little one herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Is there a chance the child will go into care if you do not adopt it?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.There is a strong possibility....And like I was saying,I already told my wife we couldn't do it.....We are going to have the kid for perhaps a few more days....Sister-in-law is in no position to take care of the kid,and probably won't be for some time.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If my husband was prepared to let my niece or nephew go into foster care rather than help me care for him or her I would divorce him immediately. You should be ashamed of yourself.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Lyris said:


> If my husband was prepared to let my niece or nephew go into foster care rather than help me care for him or her I would divorce him immediately. You should be ashamed of yourself.


Anyone who thinks their primary obligation is to their extended family and not their immediate family should be ashamed of themselves and I would divorce them immediately.....

Really?


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Anyone who thinks their primary obligation is to their extended family and not their immediate family should be ashamed of themselves and I would divorce them immediately.....
> 
> Really?


Thats pretty much it.I had to put our situation above my sister-in-laws kid's situation.It sucks,but hey,you have to think about yourself sometimes.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Yes, I would absolutely value protecting a six week old baby over an adult's convenience or comfort.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Yes, I would absolutely value protecting a six week old baby over an adult's convenience or comfort.


I totally agree!
Glad to see I'm not the only one. That poor child! What a life he has before him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I hope everything works out well for you and your wife and the baby. 

I know this does not help you, but I'm so glad you posted this! I'm not going to hijack your thread, I'll start my own, but I just wanted to wish you well and thank you.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Yes, I would absolutely value protecting a six week old baby over an adult's convenience or comfort.


So, how many children have you adopted? and I hope you are volunteering at the children's hospital everyday and I sincerely hope you are sending all your Money to the Children's miracle network.

I believe the ethical response is well described in the deontologic ethics of Immanuel Kant who makes it clear that we owe special duties to our spouses, among others. If you believe the OP first duty is to a child that is not his own over his immediate family, I will have to disagree with you. But I wonder if the actions of your life match your pronouncements.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I hope everything works out well for you and your wife and the baby.
> 
> I know this does not help you, but I'm so glad you posted this! I'm not going to hijack your thread, I'll start my own, but I just wanted to wish you well and thank you.


Where's your thread?


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Yes, I would absolutely value protecting a six week old baby over an adult's convenience or comfort.


In some cases you have to think of yourself.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I totally agree!
> Glad to see I'm not the only one. That poor child! What a life he has before him!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definitely not the only one. 

How horrible for the baby. I would never let my Significant Other tell me "no" to taking care of my family. I won't say anything else because it will just get me banned again.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Jack I said:


> In some cases you have to think of yourself.


That baby is HER flesh and blood. Think about that before you send the poor thing off to a life of foster care.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

What about your wife's parents?


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> What about your wife's parents?


Her mother is currently living with us.Her father isn't around....Her mother is in no condition to take care of the child and is actually less interested in doing so than I am.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Jack I said:


> Her mother is currently living with us.Her father isn't around....Her mother is in no condition to take care of the child and is actually less interested in doing so than I am.


No words...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

KanDo said:


> So, how many children have you adopted? and I hope you are volunteering at the children's hospital everyday and I sincerely hope you are sending all your Money to the Children's miracle network.
> 
> I believe the ethical response is well described in the deontologic ethics of Immanuel Kant who makes it clear that we owe special duties to our spouses, among others. If you believe the OP first duty is to a child that is not his own over his immediate family, I will have to disagree with you. But I wonder if the actions of your life match your pronouncements.



The child in question is his wife's sister's baby. I can answer with absolute certainty that, if it was a choice between my niece or nephew being placed in foster care, or my husband and myself adopting him or her, we would adopt. My cousin and her husband adopted her niece when they were just newlyweds. I'd do it in a heartbeat, even if my marriage was hitting a rough patch. My first thought was that the sister-in-law just didn't want a kid and abandoned him or her (I refuse to call any child an "it"!) to her sister's care. Knowing the extent of the situation... in my case, I would adopt. No question about it.

As for adopting other children... it costs much more to adopt outside the family, from what I have been told by friends and family who have adopted kids.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

If there is truly no one to take the child in, I would adopt the kid. But what's your wife's sister like, is she a good girl( doubt this to be true) but is she willing to step up and take care of the child or is she one of those girls who would like to do nothing better than to party all night?

But sh!tty situation overall.

I'd like to take this time to highlight how young women are easily led into making the wrong choices by hooking up with absolute trash.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Her mother is currently living with us.Her father isn't around


Are you referring to your father in law or the child's father?

If its the former, do you see a trend?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would adopt the child if there was no one else who was willing.

The other thing that the sister can do is to put the baby up for adoption through an agency. 

I adopted on son in 1990 when he was 10 days old. Would rather see a child adopted out then entering the horrible foster care system.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> The child in question is his wife's sister's baby. I can answer with absolute certainty that, if it was a choice between my niece or nephew being placed in foster care, or my husband and myself adopting him or her, we would adopt.
> *Wonderful! Glad you are confident in your ability to parent an additional child and that you have the where with all to accomplish it. That would be your choice. The OP has made it clear that he doesn't feel that his circumstances mirror yours. His statements were met with criticism as if his approach was unconscionable. Quite frankly, one of the central figures in modern philosophy would argue vehemently that adopting the child under the circumstances the OP describes would be unethical!
> *
> My cousin and her husband adopted her niece when they were just newlyweds. I'd do it in a heartbeat, even if my marriage was hitting a rough patch. My first thought was that the sister-in-law just didn't want a kid and abandoned him or her (I refuse to call any child an "it"!) to her sister's care. Knowing the extent of the situation... in my case, I would adopt. No question about it.
> ...


*So it is the right thing to do if it doesn't cost a lot of money.....It may seem like I am picking on you; but, I deal with ethical issues every day. The implications that the OP's decision in this regard is improper or unethical flys in the face of the teachings of some of the most respected philosphers of modern time. I feel it is important to support the OP in a difficult decision that appears quite appropriate given his undestanding of his circumstances rather than have him bullied by people whose preaching is more vital than their actions.*


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jack I said:


> My wife had an abortion about 5 years ago.We did it basically because we didn't want the financial burden of having child.We were both in agreement about it.We've had her sisters 6 week old daughter for a few days and her sister is in a tight situation.I won't get into specifics right now.But my wife is talking about legally adopting her child.I get the feeling from our conversations that she is considering this out of guilt about the abortion.I have guilt about it from time to time as well...My wife and I 's financial situation isn't a whole lot better than it was at the time of the abortion....Personally I'm against it...Right now,we're working our way through our first "rough patch"of our marriage and I don't know if raising this child together would perhaps bond us closer or pull us father apart..I'm worried the baby may get in the way..I don't want to be an a$$hole about it...I'm really leaning towards telling my wife flat out that we can't adopt her,but she really wants to.I'm worried this could get her further upset with me...Not a good situation here...Again,I believe she feels guilty about the abortion wants a "second chance",so to speak.Any women on here have had abortions?If so was there any guilt?


Jack, there are a lot of red flags here. 
- Her quilt over abortion. 
- Your guilt over abort.
- Financial problems.
- Going through a rough patch.

Her maternal instinct are kicking in but adoption *sounds like a terrible idea unless there's some extreme circumstances that we don't know about.* She'll think they are extreme regardless. You'll just resent her for it later. Maybe she'll resent you if it doesn't happen but at least there won't be a child involved.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Its certainly not a black and white issue like some women feel it is.

There are multiple factors that come into play here and whatever decision you make, make sure you do it after weighing it carefully.

And don't let your wife b!tch her way through this by threatening divorce and/or other arm twisting tactics. You're definitely not comfortable with the idea and there's a reason. 

Remember that if you decide to adopt the child you will be completely responsible for her and any other children you may have in the future. So be careful


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack, 

Look into helping to find an adoption agency that can place this child in a permanent home. There are thousands of people looking to adopt babies. They are very well screened to make sure are able to care for a child.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Its certainly not a black and white issue like some women feel it is.
> 
> There are multiple factors that come into play here and whatever decision you make, make sure you do it after weighing it carefully.
> 
> ...


Yes this is not a topic to compromise on for the spouse not wanting new responsibilities. It's life long.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wow, KanDo... nice of you to put your own spin on it. You asked Lyris how many children she had adopted. My response was in regard to the cost of adopting outside the family. It generally costs more and not everyone has thousands and thousands of dollars to pay in the adoption fees for that route. They have the means to support a child, but not to spend so much in fees. But hey, what do I know? 

Regarding supporting the OP... I'm sorry, I have a very hard time supporting him, based on the other things he has posted about his relationship with his wife... not to mention the fact that he HAS been given good advice and seems to ignore it, instead posting something new every other day (it seems). First, it was the "minute man" thread. Then he clarified that he lasts longer than a minute, but.... Then it was the anal thread, which was deleted. In that thread, he came across as an entitled jerk. Not saying he IS one, but that was the impression in THAT thread. Followed that one up with MIL moving in... and then his wife not able to use birth control pills anymore so she requested he use condoms, which he tried to weasel out of and suggested withdrawal. NOW we have the baby in the house and I get the impression he doesn't want kids at all, but doesn't want to inconvenience himself with providing reliable birth control to prevent pregnancy, now that his wife is unable to use the pill and requires actually two forms of birth control, something I know from experience, having gone through the same surgery his wife did. Anyway, but now the baby is in the house... an inconvenience for him, but she wants a child.
Hmm... I think I will refrain from stating what I believe they should do, since they are so obviously incompatible... and excuse me if I choose NOT to support him. 

ETA: FTR, I think Jack and his wife need to have a serious talk about this, regardless. But to imply that someone who would take a child in a heartbeat if family was unable to care for them is unethical is appalling. I wouldn't be able to pay to adopt a child through an agency. But, had my sister needed to give up her child, we would have been able to support her. I don't think that is unethical at all!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

KanDo said:


> So, how many children have you adopted? and I hope you are volunteering at the children's hospital everyday and I sincerely hope you are sending all your Money to the Children's miracle network.


This is blood not strangers KanDo. OP, if this was your sister/brother and their kids might have to go into foster care you would just shrug your shoulders and say tough luck to your brother/sister?

Different upbringing, different values I guess. This is America, freedom of choice.

Instead of adopting maybe having the court declare you both as legal guardians for the time being until her sister can get herself fixed up or whatever she needs to do?

To me, once I married my wife, her family became my family. Even though they're not blood they're family now. But then again I came from a family where my parents were there for us and taught us to be there for our family in times of trouble, same with my wife.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Has anyone taken into consideration that the preferred person to raise a child is it's mother and/or father. Is this not a possibility Jack? Why is adoption possible. Your wife may be enabliing her sister but you can correct me if that's not the case.

There are reasons the courts don't remove childrem from their parents unless necessary. It's not good enough to be a better parent than they are. The child is better off with it's parents unless they are truly unfit.

Children grow up with baggage about why mom and dad didn't want me. They so often fall into that "you can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad" which is really there way of saying you don't love me as much as little Johnny (who is biologically yours). This is a real scenario that is very likely to happen here.

To be honest, Jack you cannot prevent her from adopting but you don't have to be part of it. I personally see disaster looming if you adopt.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I see some indication that her sister can't take care of the child now and for a while. 
- Will she be able to later like six months or a year, or five years? 
- What does she have to overcome?

Is foster parenting not an option for you or are you and your wife certain that she will permenantly unfit? That's what I was getting at in my last post is that a fit parent is better than a more fit non-parent.

It would be tough for me though to not take the child in until you figure out next steps. That is if you can. It's a tough thing to even foster.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

One of the aunts from my husband's family gave up her second child to her own sister who was unable to conceive (another aunt of my husband). In fact, this was done the very day the girl was born!

Now, if I start writing the problems these families have been facing in the past 23 odd years due to this decision...the pages on TAM wouldn't suffice..

Even in normal circumstances, relationships and family take a lot of time and energy...
in exceptional situations like these, a family would need to be very very close/strong/selfless for something like this to work out... if not - let's just say something called 'ego' can be quite a family/relationship-killer!

On the other hand, there have been other instances in my family where the children have stayed with other family members like grandparents for a brief while during their schooling years (when the parents had to hop around different cities owing to work etc) 
These situations never seemed to have caused much friction/problems or resentments within the family... just saying...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't feel I need to justify myself at all, but I have, in fact, fostered children in the past and will do so again in the future. Adoption is very rare where I live and almost unheard of domestically.

And this is his wife's sister's child. They are family. Extended families are there to help care for children.

I don't believe adoption is the only answer either. A short-to-medium kinship care arrangement while the mother of the child gets more support is one obvious answer. 

Ethically speaking, children deserve protection more than adults deserve an easy marriage.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> Has anyone taken into consideration that the preferred person to raise a child is it's mother and/or father. Is this not a possibility Jack? Why is adoption possible. Your wife may be enabliing her sister but you can correct me if that's not the case.
> 
> There are reasons the courts don't remove childrem from their parents unless necessary. It's not good enough to be a better parent than they are. The child is better off with it's parents unless they are truly unfit.
> 
> ...


Wow! I'm actually speechless!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So a child who is put into care grows up with less baggage? Give me a break!
The care system can be brutal for many children. 
Jack, stop being so selfish. Your wife had a termination, you won't use birth control, you don't want children, you you you!
About your wife? What does SHE want?
And before you all jump all over me, I don't think he's being selfish for not wanting the baby, he's being selfish because he's not taking any of his wife's wishes into consideration!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> So a child who is put into care grows up with less baggage? Give me a break!
> The care system can be brutal for many children.
> Jack, stop being so selfish. Your wife had a termination, you won't use birth control, you don't want children, you you you!
> About your wife? What does SHE want?
> ...


I am taking my wife's wishes into consideration.If you read my original post,I stated that I was considering adopting the child.I had a lengthy talk with my wife and told her we couldn't do it...Im not being selfish here at all....My wife and I have been going through marital problems and were finally starting to make progress.Doesn't it come a time when you have to think of your own family?


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I see some indication that her sister can't take care of the child now and for a while.
> - Will she be able to later like six months or a year, or five years?
> - What does she have to overcome?


We don't know if she will be able take of the child in five years.Definitely not six months.Let's just she's going away for a while.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Are you referring to your father in law or the child's father?
> 
> If its the former, do you see a trend?


I'm referring to my father-in-law.And no,the child's father isn't around either.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

My husband and I have adopted five children through three separate adoptions (3 are original siblings adopted from foster care, 1 was an international adoption and the last was a newborn boy from the USA.) We also have 8 biological children. Definitely do not adopt this baby unless both you and your wife want to be parents. It's requires a lot of love and sacrifice to be a parent and will be stressful on your marriage. This poor baby needs loving parents with a strong marriage who are willing to make sacrifices in their lives and marriage. There are many, many couples wanting to adopt. Open adoption is an option so that your wife and the baby's mother can still see the child as she grows. The baby will not be happy in a home with parents who cannot make her a priority.


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