# Advice about talking about porn.



## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

I like porn. I watch porn. My wife knows I watch porn. Im open to her questions.

My wife does watch porn, but she won't admit to it. I've asked her a few times and she's denied it and its lead to arguments.

I really want her to open up to me about it. I think it would be good for our marriage. I just don't know how to get her to open up. 

I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to speak to her about it. I've thought about just turning it on and seeing what she does, but even if she's into it, i'd really like to know what she likes to watch. What she watches now.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Maybe she feels ashamed watching it. (Her denial speaks volumes)
I'd leave it until she's ready to be more open. 
Or talk to her about it when she has some alcohol on board, she might be less embarrassed then. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bshale said:


> I like porn. I watch porn. My wife knows I watch porn. Im open to her questions.
> 
> My wife does watch porn, but she won't admit to it. I've asked her a few times and she's denied it and its lead to arguments.


It is more likely that your wife watches porn because she is trying to better understand "what" it is about porn that you like so much. If you ask her and she gets upset it may be because she feels the women you look at make her feel inadequate and threatened.

Either way her anger comes from something that is making her feel vulnerable in the relationship, and that can be shame, inadequacy. That will erode your relationship. 

Ask her if she would rather you NOT look at porn and see what she says? 

Badsanta


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@badsanta I have watched the porn my husband watched. 
I asked him various questions (he was very embarrassed at first) but it helped us understand our turn ons. 
Both of us had the shame (thanks Catholic Church) at first, but since we're moving on & letting go our marriage has improved tremendously. 
Although there's a few things I still cannot do (bc I'm ashamed still) I will keep an open mind & try next time (tequila required)! 



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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Although there's a few things I still cannot do (bc I'm ashamed still) I will keep an open mind & try next time (tequila required)!


Things *YOU* would like to try, or things *HE* would want to try? 

In the event there are things you want to try but are still somewhat ashamed to explore those with him, are these things that you discovered by watching porn, or something you were already inherently partial to and have used porn to demonstrate it to your husband to see his reaction. 

Badsanta


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Things *YOU* would like to try, or things *HE* would want to try?
> 
> In the event there are things you want to try but are still somewhat ashamed to explore those with him, are these things that you discovered by watching porn, or something you were already inherently partial to and have used porn to demonstrate it to your husband to see his reaction.
> 
> Badsanta


Both of us it's 50/50. 
Not things discovered in porn. 
Things we've known & wanted to do but cannot get past the psychological of shame. 

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Both of us it's 50/50.
> Not things discovered in porn.
> Things we've known & wanted to do but cannot get past the psychological of shame.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Ah, I think this is helpful to @bshale because I think he wants to explore watching porn with his wife. Hypothetically let us imagine she has nasophilia (nose fetish, which I randomly chose from wikipedia) from watching Pinocchio cartoons growing up. As an adult she is now drawn to men with large noses and finds them to be a source of sexual fascination. Perhaps she has spent hours searching and has managed to find some porn that facilitates her kink discretely, but in real life she has no desire to marry a man just because of his nose. She is slightly ashamed of her kink and will NEVER admit it to her husband because in real life he actually has a normal nose and fears that he may feel inadequate if he were to learn about her kink. 

Now how would it help for @bshale to just randomly choose some porn to watch with her WITHOUT knowing what her hidden kinks actually are? If he is open about what he watches, there is no mystery for her. If she is not open about what she watches, she is hiding something. Does porn have anything to do with it? Probably not, but it is a clue that the wife has "something" she is ashamed to share with her husband.

*As you say, "tequila" is likely a better solution than using porn to get to the bottom of this mystery.*

Regards,
Badsanta


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

So advice needed still. I tried to talk about porn. I talked a bit about what I like. I asked her if she's ever watched it and what she likes. She again denied. I have proof but really don't want to use it as I know it would cause a huge fight. I just want her to be comfortable enough to admit she's watching it while she takes care of herself. Again, she knows I do and is cool with it. I've talked in detail. I've opened up to everything. I'd love her to do the same. I've even said things like would you like to watch with me? And said we could watch girl on girl thinking maybe she's ashamed it's that and still nothing. 

Do I try marriage counseling? Again, I have definitive proof and know she's watching porn while taking care of herself


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@bshale I wouldn't pressure her & confront her with the evidence. 
Confronting may push her further away & make her ashamed. 
I'm still not comfortable telling my husband I take care of myself sometimes. 
I know he'd delighted but I still get embarrassed & feel unladylike. 

Did she say yes to watching together? 




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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MotherOfTwo&WifeofOne said:


> *We're respectful of one another's privacy *which I love in him because what I view is not necessarily what I actually want in real life. It's an escape from reality for that half hour or so.


I think respect for personal privacy and personal space is critical for the success in a marriage. If you don't mind may I ask you some questions?

Do you feel that this respect for personal space/privacy brings you closer to your husband?

While you are respectful of each other's privacy, would you be comfortable discussing what things you enjoy watching if your husband felt the need to ask about it?

If you are respectful of his privacy and you know he is watching porn, do you have a tendency to get jealous or concerned about what he watches? 

In my opinion, since you mentioned that you have discussed this topic a few times each of you are likely fully aware of each other's tastes and what is healthy for the relationship and what is not. The two of you respect areas of each other's sexual dynamics that are unrealistic and perhaps encourage each other to occasionally escape reality and self sooth via porn. 

In @bshale relationship, it is hard to determine if she is upset because he is not respecting her personal space, OR if there is a part of her sexuality that she is ashamed about sharing with him that could add value to their relationship if explored together. If there is shame involved, how would you suggest @bshale approach his wife in a way that could respect her privacy and personal space, but at the same time help her feel less ashamed?

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bshale said:


> So advice needed still. I tried to talk about porn. I talked a bit about what I like. I asked her if she's ever watched it and what she likes. She again denied. I have proof but really don't want to use it as I know it would cause a huge fight. I just want her to be comfortable enough to admit she's watching it while she takes care of herself. Again, she knows I do and is cool with it. I've talked in detail. I've opened up to everything. I'd love her to do the same. I've even said things like would you like to watch with me? And said we could watch girl on girl thinking maybe she's ashamed it's that and still nothing.
> 
> Do I try marriage counseling? Again, I have definitive proof and know she's watching porn while taking care of herself





Forcing her to admit something she is obviously too ashamed to admit is going to back fire on you. 

You want her to open up and tell you what is turning her on, right? You mention girl on girl, is that what she's watching? Is it possible that she is too ashamed to admit that she enjoys watching it because she is afraid of the implications? That maybe she likes girls?

It sounds like your wife needs a better understanding of human sexuality and specifically female sexuality.

Only a minority of women watch porn. Generally speaking, those women who do enjoy visual porn are not overwhelmed and inhibited by sexual shame. Or, in the case of your wife, are in the process of letting go of the sexual shame. Your wife is sexually aroused by what she sees but doesn't yet understand that her arousal is perfectly normal and natural for women as well as men.

Modern feminism (and I am a feminist) has informed women that porn is demeaning and misogynistic and we are not supposed to be turned on by something demeaning and misogynistic. We have been informed that women who appear in porn have been victimized in some way and that is the only reason why a woman would ever consent to appear in porn. If we are decent people, we would not partake in activities that promote continued victimization of and misogyny to other women. While this may be true in some cases, porn actresses state emphatically that they love their jobs. They are sexual exhibitionists and they enjoy being watched and being paid to do something they enjoy is icing on the cake for them. Feminists should applaud these women who have so fully embraced their sexuality but instead we (I am a feminist) insist these women are victims. Some may be, but most are not otherwise there wouldn't be such an explosion of amateur porn.

Meanwhile, romance and erotic romance novels are selling like crazy. The reasons are the components central to romance and erotic romance that are not found in visual porn, or if they are found in visual porn it is so poorly done the willing suspension of disbelief is continually interrupted in visual porn.

-Attraction: Erotic romance or mommy porn is based on visceral attraction. The key players are drawn to one another like magnets. This attraction is described as the foundation of the story. Visual porn shows the attraction by the single scene in which the woman licks her lips when she meets the other player. 

-Relationship: The key players do not have sex until a relationship is established while their attraction for one another continues to simmer.

-Protection and trust: In almost every single erotic romance one player feels a strong instinct to protect the other player. A strong protector is someone who can be trusted. The protection is given in the form of material riches or physical protection but usually both.

-A distinct lack of d0uchebaggery: erotic stories contain a pursuer who avoids being an idiot. Knows the right thing to say and when to say it. 

-The pursuer is impacted and altered by the attractant. "Because of you I....." is present in almost every erotic romance. The attractant as a person, matters. 

None of theses are present in visual porn.

Damn! Tangent over now back to the actual question.

Stop trying to get your wife to do something she isn't ready to do. She isn't ready to embrace the idea that she gets turned on by visual porn. If you know what she's watching, can you not gather the information you wish for her to offer? If you know she is watching girl/girl porn can you not infer that watching two women have sex turns her on? Can you not infer that her arousal is built by being desired? Girl/girl porn provides the female audience with the ability to identify with both the key players simultaneously. Double the desire being shown. And girl/girl porn is not penis centric, it is touch centric -more specifically soft touch centric.

Next time you want to watch porn with your wife, just put on the genre that seems to be the one she most turns to and don't ask for her admission that it turns her on when it is obvious that it does and admitting so makes her feel shame. Your goal is to remove shame not give it a spot light.


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## JohnDoeRobot (May 25, 2016)

To the original poster: My real question is what do you want -in practical terms- to get out of talking to your wife about porn? You say it is to improve communication, but something tells me you want something else... most likely you want to share with her a fantasy you feel could be communicated through porn. Sort of like being mad because your wife doesn't like to go to the library to "read something"... if you have a book to share with her show her the book, not the library.

My 2 cents: Be upfront and honest with your wife about your fantasy. Also, be respectful of her own porn adventures. Porn watching is a fairly personal thing. As long as it doesn't affect you or your kids, she should be allowed to explore it with a certain degree of privacy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Next time you want to watch porn with your wife, just put on the genre that seems to be the one she most turns to and don't ask for her admission that it turns her on when it is obvious that it does and admitting so makes her feel shame. Your goal is to remove shame not give it a spot light.


 @bshale I like what @Anon Pink is saying here. I know of one case where the wife knew the husband watched porn, but HE was the one ashamed and she had problems getting him to open up about it with her (she knew his kinks and was not afraid of them). She felt that his heightened arousal was closely tied to her libido, and by her exploring something that aroused him simply by watching porn together, she thought this would help. Here is how that played out.

She knew he liked MFF porn A LOT. So she downloaded some to her phone and had it ready to use the next time they were having sex. As it turned out he had minor issues with ED and she was having trouble getting him erect enough for PIV. She pulled out her phone and somewhat ambushed him with his favorite porn on her phone and encouraged him to watch it while she proceeded to give him oral. As soon as the porn film started his erection became extremely hard and he came almost instantly and very powerfully. 

The aftermath of that situation was that the wife was NOT expecting him to react that strongly to the video and her self esteem was hurt that she was not enough to arouse him on her own. So she was also a little hurt that he climaxed before she even had a chance to enjoy it. He was ashamed of himself and immediately withdrew from her after his orgasm because he was very embarrassed about how immediate and strong his reaction was. All his life he had been shamed by his family about porn, and perhaps (in my opinion) he felt that those who loved him should also tell him it was wrong instead of trying to embrace it. He threw a freaking temper tantrum and forbid his wife to ever show him porn again while they were trying to have sex. He threw temper tantrums again and made her delete what was probably a 1000 posts here in this forum and stop getting sick advice from sick people. 

For reference this would be the story of @peacem 

...my point being is that different people need different things to feel loved. All people need to feel protected. For some being shamed for their porn use and pulled away from it and towards something that is defined as less shameful is what they need to feel protected and loved. Others need to feel accepted while embracing their vulnerabilities.

What is your wife's religious upbringing and how would her parents react? Odds are you should emulate this type of response to her porn use to get her to talk about it in a caring way. You will want to unpack how society has geared her to feel about porn FIRST and just LISTEN to how that makes her feel. Acknowledge how she feels as that will never change, but you can work on changing how she feels about how she feels (meta emotions). Has society robbed her of something that could be healthy in a marriage, OR has society taught her good values that help her stay faithful to you? 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

bshale said:


> I like porn. I watch porn. My wife knows I watch porn. Im open to her questions.
> 
> My wife does watch porn, but she won't admit to it. I've asked her a few times and she's denied it and its lead to arguments.
> 
> ...


What I did was to put a bunch of it ready to stream, hand her the remote, and then proceed to rock her world and ignore the tv. 

When she started to get turned on, I noted what she chose to watch. 

No conversation or judgement needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bshale said:


> So advice needed still. I tried to talk about porn. I talked a bit about what I like. I asked her if she's ever watched it and what she likes. She again denied. I have proof but really don't want to use it as I know it would cause a huge fight. I just want her to be comfortable enough to admit she's watching it while she takes care of herself. Again, she knows I do and is cool with it. I've talked in detail. I've opened up to everything. I'd love her to do the same. I've even said things like would you like to watch with me? And said we could watch girl on girl thinking maybe she's ashamed it's that and still nothing.
> 
> Do I try marriage counseling? Again, I have definitive proof and know she's watching porn while taking care of herself


But why do you need to know this? It's not for the marriage, so why would you go to marriage counselling? They're just going to tell you to mind your own business and quit pestering her.

My wife bought her first sex toy, ever, some 3 or so years into our relationship. I wanted to hear all about it - it was exciting to me. She didn't want to share these details with me. Until I backed off and let her do her thing. Now it's become part of our sex life, and there's no embarrassment involved for her.

So once I stopped pestering her, asking her about it, wanting to know more, etc. she started including me in it. She required that period of time to do her own thing until she was comfortable bringing me into it with her.

Your wife may end up doing that if you leave her alone about this. She also may not - that's her right and her prerogative. Just because you're willing (or WANT) to share this kind of thing with her doesn't mean she wants to, or should, do the same.

You've made something that's about her into something about you, under the guise of it being about both of you.

Or in simpler terms, you expect her to do something (in this case watching porn) the way YOU do, for the reasons you do, and you can't understand why she won't.

Or in SIMPLER simpler terms, you're being f***ing nosy because the thought of your wife watching porn turns you on and is exciting.

I was there once. My wife with her first vibrator really excited me and turned me on, so I felt I needed to be a part of it because *I* was more than happy to share self-pleasure with her. And I couldn't understand why *she* wasn't.

But I made it about me, under the guise of it being about us, meanwhile it was about her.


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

Of course I'm being selfish. The idea of her watching porn turns me on. I've seen a few undeleted web histories and such so iknow without a doubt and somehow the lie is making me uncomfortable. 

Like does she have white lies about other things? She's very convincing and gets very mad at me when I ask questions


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## sbaxter (May 27, 2016)

Porn might get you the sex you want, but it will never give you intimacy, even if you watch it together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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