# How do you feel about divorce now?



## Cooper

I was married for 20 years and was always a dedicated husband and father, I loved the idea of being married and having a family. Sadly my marriage never turned out the way I hoped, I married someone who just didn't have the same philosophies and our life together was a challenge (I'm being polite) BUT I stayed married because I was dedicated and felt obligated, and I couldn't bare the thought of screwing up my kids lives. It took multiple affairs by her before I finally pulled the plug.

Now a few years after being divorced I am incredibly sorry I waited so long, there is just no reason to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. I wasted the prime years of my life with someone who was never a good match. I think long term it's even better for the kids to have two happy but divorced parents instead growing up in a house where hostility is the norm.

Now that my life is happy and relaxed I find my feelings about divorce have changed. When I listen to friends or co workers complain about how miserable they are in their marriage I want to jump up on my soap box and scream" STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE, GET A DIVORCE AND FIND WHAT OR WHO MAKES YOU HAPPY!!" 

Anyway.....I'm just curious how other divorcee's see things, I won't go as far as saying I'm a divorce advocate, but I certainly think it's better to divorce then wasting your life trying to make something work that never will. Have your feelings about divorce changed?


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## arbitrator

*Basically the very same way, Coop! Except that I often find myself rather gun shy of ever wanting to do it again. Right now, the core of my energy is being greatly channeled toward getting my two sons out of college!*


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## Nikita2270

Divorce has been the most positive experience of my adult life.

Dealing with the legalities of it was a challenge but I used the experience as an opportunity to learn life skills that I didn't use as much during marriage....organizational skills, money management, time management, etc.

Before I left my marriage, I tried to really think about what I wanted and decided that I'd either find the right guy or stay single. I wouldn't compromise.

As a result, my new personal life is amazing. I literally met the perfect man. We're on our 4th year together and we are planning to remarry.

Mostly I'm just really proud of my accomplishments. I've flourished in my personal life, my career has taken off, financially I'm doing incredible and my children finally have the mother they deserve. They don't have to see me miserable and a couple who have no connection dragging themselves through life.

We spend our whole lives trying to achieve happiness and I can actually say that if I died tomorrow, I experienced it.

I see the same miserable people that you do. Plodding through life with indecision and misery trying to figure out how to get happy. I want to tell them that you only get one life and spending it with someone sucking the life out of you and ruining your dreams is such a waste. Time is the most precious commodity you have. You can't get it back.

I hate to say that I'm an advocate for divorce. But if you are with someone you aren't truly compatible with and who is out for themselves and who doesn't live every day to make YOU happy while you spend your life making THEM happy...then get divorced immediately. You deserve a better life.


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## Openminded

I was married 45 years. I had never lived alone and was slightly apprehensive about being on my own for the first time in my life. Since my divorce last year, I am thrilled to make my own decisions without having to consider someone else. My only regret? Not doing it 30 years ago when he first cheated. My advice? Don't be afraid.


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## Nikita2270

So true Openminded. I have to say that I was very apprehensive about being able to manage my own finances on my own.

Well since I got separated, I manage my own bills better than I ever thought I could. My credit is perfect...zero debt aside from the small mortgage on my townhouse. And I'm earning more than I ever did and actually enjoying work because its not stress on top of my home stress.

Mostly I really love coming home to my little house. Its always clean now. I keep it neat and don't walk into a trainwreck, disgusting mess everyday like I used to. I don't get tense everytime I hear the door open. When I'm not cooking for my daughter, I can eat cook and eat whatever meals I like and not have to cater to the whims of someone who never appreciated anything I did. No insults, no yelling, no constant pessimistic criticism, no feelings of hopelessness.

Divorce can be a great thing...but you really do have to decide to embrace life and have the courage to stand up for your right to be happy.


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## whitehawk

Glad it's turned out for the better for you Coop . l listen to and watch people now to sometimes and think the same.
lt always amazes me how hoops some of the hubby's are jumping through and the fuss and crap they live. Women often seem to thrive on all that but you often see it doesn't gel for him. 
Times like that it's nice to be on the outside now. Although ours wasn't really one of those so , dunno.
But then l see the others especially the old couples happy and content , in zink, lived a lot of life together, really saddens me that l couldn't be one of those.
Or a younger couple still together , working together , looking out for each other , same thing.

Mine , been a mixed bag. l wasn't that good at having to explain my every move or coping with the restrictions of marriage l admit. But we were a great couple for the most part and apart from confusion and over work , stress , of our last few years and a few major eff ups on my part, l always intended on hanging in there and growing old together.
In our last few years though l was wondering l must admit .
There was another angle too where l'd lost attraction to my ex so l didn't know how that was gonna work for the next 20 or 30 yrs either.
lt's been heartbreaking having to have my d live like this too but these days with our divorce just coming through now , l still don't really know.
l sorta feel like we coulda shoulda , and sad that it came to this .

l wasn't that good at being restricted to married life but l'm not too impressed at single life either as yet .
So l'm still all over the place tbh myself .
l guess time will tell if it was for the better or worse . l am also glad though l don't have to see the inlaws anymore , l never did likem much or them me.


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## Cooper

Hawk you are still freshly at the end of your marriage, you are going to have months of "what ifs and should have could haves" but hopefully you will grow into and embrace your new life. You always hear the expression "marriage is work", while I agree with that premise of putting effort into your marriage once things get to be an ordeal it's time to move on. 

Thanks to the other responses, sometimes I almost feel guilty for being divorced and happy, social stigma I guess. People have said to me many times that it must be nice to do what I want whenever I want, I always answer the same, that's not the best part. The best part is I never have to do anything I don't want to do. I have learned to just say no, or sometimes yes to things I always had to say no to before.


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## Jellybeans

I don't know if my feelings about divorce have changed necessarily, but my feelings about marriage definitely have.
Much more so than divorce. 

I do see a lot of people who just stay in relationships that are bad/unhealthy because it's easier/more convenient/they don't want a divorce stigma/are afraid of what it would be like w/o being married/financial obligations/fears and I feel like, that is a sad thing. But at the same time, people are going to do whatever they want. 

I never ever thought I would get divorced. Ever. So it was something that took a very long time for me to come to terms with and blending into my new life was not easy/challenging for me. However, with that said, my marriage seems like it was so far away now. And I know with certainty I will never ever ever view marriage, personally, as I did before. Something has changed within me. It's like seeing something--you can't not see it again, you know? I rather liked being married ( most times ) but now that I am not, I can't imagine doing that again. I truly thought it was something I would do til I died. And now that seems so foreign to me. Because of the fact that it was so traumatic for me, what happened, I seriously do not believe I would do it again.

Divorce... is pretty standard nowadays. But when I look at marriage and divorce... marriage is the one I feel like I have stronger feelings about--the one I view more with a slanted eye; the one of the two that springs up more emotions in me to discourse about.


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## Paradise

Jellybeans said:


> I don't know if my feelings about divorce have changed necessarily, but my feelings about marriage definitely have.
> Much more so than divorce.
> 
> I do see a lot of people who just stay in relationships that are bad/unhealthy because it's easier/more convenient/they don't want a divorce stigma/are afraid of what it would be like w/o being married/financial obligations/fears and I feel like, that is a sad thing. But at the same time, people are going to do whatever they want.
> 
> I never ever thought I would get divorced. Ever. So it was something that took a very long time for me to come to terms with and blending into my new life was not easy/challenging for me. However, with that said, my marriage seems like it was so far away now. And I know with certainty I will never ever ever view marriage, personally, as I did before. Something has changed within me. It's like seeing something--you can't not see it again, you know? I rather liked being married ( most times ) but now that I am not, I can't imagine doing that again. I truly thought it was something I would do til I died. And now that seems so foreign to me. Because of the fact that it was so traumatic for me, what happened, I seriously do not believe I would do it again.
> 
> Divorce... is pretty standard nowadays. But when I look at marriage and divorce... marriage is the one I feel like I have stronger feelings about--the one I view more with a slanted eye; the one of the two that springs up more emotions in me to discourse about.


I could not agree more. Best post I've read in some time.


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## stillhoping

I feel the same way I always did, that it is not something I would ever do. While I do agree that there have been some changes in me that have been unexpected, I was totally dedicated to my family and planned to be married for my lifetime. I find it awkward and uncomfortable to tell people I am divorced. I kiss my family being together. I. It's my in laws. I hate that if I want to spend time with the friends we shared, I have to worry I will see him with his girlfriend. I think it happens too easily. Maybe we shouldn't be together forever, maybe we will both find someone great and be happy but divorce has wounded me in ways I am not sure I will totally recover from.


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## whitehawk

So weird , yep another Face Book story 

l've only just joined the thing so that l can look a few people up. l have my page totally blank.

But yep , found ex's . l know , why , forget it , right !
But anyway l did and looked through.
Nothing about an om thank God but a lot of stuff about my daughter , obviously latching on in single world type thing.
lt all looks and sounds so strange , it's like my daughter this , me and my daughter that . As if she is a single mum and there is no me or no dad for my d .

But the really weird thing is and hey it's just people you know , to be expected especially with the girlfriends.

But here's this post written on the very wkend she blew up our family and moved out .
Saying - l hope your settling into your new home ok . l'm so happy and exited for you and l can't wait to catch up.

Why would a best friend be talking like that to a women that's just destroyed her family that very wkend and a 20 yr relationship ?

People are so damn weird aren't they with this stuff !


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## arbitrator

*I do believe that Jelly hit the nail squarely on the head with her post that I would moreso adhere to. It is, indeed, marriage that I have the stronger feelings about. I would guess that because we are raised up in a culture with the expectations that with every marriage, there's a tad better than a 50/50 chance( and truth be known, I'd bet it's much closer to 60%) that any random newlywed couple will eventually see the inside of a county courthouse judge's chambers during the course of their marriage. Because of that ever-popular viewpoints that "our love will survive," and that "divorce is only something that happens to other people," and that "I will never divorce my spouse, no matter what," or "I would never cheat on my spouse and I know they would never cheat on me," we go into that matrimonial domain with an already postively jaded prejudice.

What happened in those days when divorce was not allowed, or it was made so restrictive or expensive that it was largely never an option? Now we're living in a culture where it is highly accepted and regarded primarily by the family lawyers lobby who would absolutely revolt if the divorce process were discouraged one single bit, largely under the mantra that to do so would interrupt their inalienable right for them to earn a living and a slap in the face to the free enterprise system. That is why divorce lawyers are the only segment of society that have even lower popularity ratings than members of Congress!

I also can see that a lot of waywards(my rich, skanky XW included), will cheat, not only to end their perceived unhappiness in the marital union itself, and to seek psychological and sexually physical stimulation somewhere else; but also will innately do it to make their partner end the union rather than themselves.

And until we change our perception of what marriage is supposed to rightfully entail, the divorce process itself will be little more than just another necessary evil that society will have to sadly adhere to!*


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## happy as a clam

Cooper said:


> Now a few years after being divorced I am incredibly sorry I waited so long, there is just no reason to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. I wasted the prime years of my life with someone *who was never a good match.* I think long term it's even better for the kids to have two happy but divorced parents instead growing up in a house where hostility is the norm.


Well said, Cooper. I am a woman, but I could have written your post -- your thoughts on this are identical to mine. I was also married for 20 years, stayed mostly for my kids, and my biggest regret is that they grew up in a house full of tension, hostility, anger, etc.

I tried so hard to make the marriage work but finally realized you can't "fix" a personality mis-match. I know there are always issues in a marriage, but mine was so complicated and tumultuous and felt like it was so much "work," while I would sit back and watch my friends who effortlessly & truly enjoyed each other's company. I am happier now than I've ever been. My kids are much happier too. Not sure about my ex, but I think even he would admit he is happier after the divorce, although he fought it to the bitter end at the time.

There is a beautiful life waiting if we have the courage to get out of a situation that clearly isn't working.


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## Married but Happy

I agree with you, Cooper. IMO, we should be much slower to marry (in hopes of making better choices), and much quicker to divorce when it doesn't work.

Only one major decision in my life lead to more happiness than my divorce, and that was finding my second wife. I'm not against marriage, just most of them!


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## struggle

I experienced divorce in a way when my aunt and uncle divorced when I was a young teen. I remember how mad people were about what happened...my grandparents....my parents. It was confusing because my grandma (aunt and my dad's mom) was mad at my uncle and my mom was mad at my aunt. But what I found most impacting was how it affected my cousins. There were rumors about some conversations they overheard my aunt and uncle have. How the oldest was mad at her mom...and my mom pulled us further away from them. The whole dynamic of our small family changed pretty dramatically with it, and it wasn't even my parents going through it. So I never-ever thought I would get a divorce (back when I used to say "I will never....")

Now, having experienced bad marriage, my views have changed. And I think the worldview of divorce in the U.S. has also changed just in the 15-20 years I've experienced.

Some of the things people have said to me (after only hearing I'm divorcing) are, "life's too short not to be happy", "you'll be ok, just do you", "I'm sorry to hear that, but it happens"
So much of a different tune than what I remember
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nikita2270

Part of the issue is when people get married.

I think its getting better...people are choosing to stay single longer but when I got married, it seemed like there was more pressure to get married in your 20s.

Honestly, when I look back now...finding someone that I was truly compatible with at that stage in my life was definitely a roll of the dice...one that I didn't win.

I didn't even know who I was when I was 20...I was still in the process of becoming self-aware. The idea of understanding compatibility factors wasn't realistic at that age. You also are still so needy at that age. So you often pick someone based on a set of needs that don't pave the way to a healthy long-term relationship.

These days, I'm financially independent. I own my own home...have my own assets. So I didn't need a man after divorce for anything unhealthy. I wanted a partner but if he wasn't perfectly compatible with me, I was fine being single. I refused to compromise just to be in a relationship which is what I feel I did to get married. As a result, I found the perfect guy who is a perfect partner and we have no expectations for each other except to make each other happy and share life together.

People get married too young. And they get married without the tools to understand how to pick the right partner for them. Its no wonder that the divorce rate is so rampant.


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## Paradise

Nikita2270 said:


> I didn't even know who I was when I was 20...I was still in the process of becoming self-aware. The idea of understanding compatibility factors wasn't realistic at that age. You also are still so needy at that age. So you often pick someone based on a set of needs that don't pave the way to a healthy long-term relationship.
> 
> These days, I'm financially independent. I own my own home...have my own assets. So I didn't need a man after divorce for anything unhealthy. I wanted a partner but if he wasn't perfectly compatible with me, I was fine being single. I refused to compromise just to be in a relationship which is what I feel I did to get married. As a result, I found the perfect guy who is a perfect partner and we have no expectations for each other except to make each other happy and share life together.


Sounds like you figured it all out. 

My fault was ignoring my gut and the red flags. If I had the knowledge I have now from TAM then I never would have gotten married. My ex jumped right from her first marriage to me. my gut knew I was the rebound but I didn't know what to call it at the time. She was trying to get back on her feet and she used me for that purpose. Once she had her new career in a new town she was gone with her new man. 

It was all right there for me to see before we got married but I chose not to see it. I ended up paying off her debts from her first marriage and paid for her to go to school to get her degree and got rewarded with a lot more debt than I've ever seen and a broken home with a young child. But, in the end, it was my own fault for not seeing the red flags. She never got help she needed from her first marriage. I was the knight in shining armor until someone else became that for her once our own troubles started. 

To make a long story short....I was an idiot as are most people when they jump into marriage for the first time. But...I won't make the same mistake twice. Since I'm getting too old to want more kids then it is pointless to get married.


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## Jellybeans

Paradise said:


> Since I'm getting too old to want more kids then it is pointless to get married.


I may very well want to have children one day (maybe?) but marriage isn't something I feel like I need to do when/if I have a child(ren). 

Another thing that I feel is odd about sometimes is the fact that my parents are still married -- and I am a divorcee. Idk, I just always thought since they have such a great marriage I was even less prone to a divorce but it's taught me that well.. life is full of all kinds of situations and things.


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## arbitrator

Jellybeans said:


> *I may very well want to have children one day (maybe?) but marriage isn't something I feel like I need to do when/if I have a child(ren).
> *
> Another thing that I feel is odd about sometimes is the fact that my parents are still married -- and I am a divorcee. Idk, I just always thought since they have such a great marriage I was even less prone to a divorce but it's taught me that well.. life is full of all kinds of situations and things.


*Funny you should say that, Jelly! And how true! 

My niece, never married, a professional lady in her upper 30's never wanted to get married because she never thought that any one man was anywhere close to being worth it from her life experiences.

Apparently her Dad and Mom(my brother and SIL) were destined to go without a grandchild. So she found it in her heart and saw fit to have a good friend of hers to be a sperm donor, and she gave birth to a fantastic baby boy some 3 years ago as a gift to her parents. 

She may not want to get married, but she saw it in her heart to make her dreams of motherhood come true, and in so doing, a grandchild for her parents!

I totally love that girl!*


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## whitehawk

My parents had a lot of turmoil. Many a time l think we all thought they should get a D.
Due to my dads loyalty and my mums strong Cristian edge though they never did and lasted 56 yrs together .
They'd come full circle , 3 or 4 times over actually but passed away both fussing over each other like some cute little old ladies or something.

People aren't made of what they use to be , society isn't , attitudes , the me me culture . We didn't have a quarter of the dramas they had through their lives and we had far more a natural everyday click, things in common, than they ever had, yet it was all too tough , apparently ! 
Watching mum and dad taught me a lot about storms and lifes cycles , courage , hanging tough and it was pretty incredible to see them come out the other end the way they did.

Didn't help us much though and here we are l guess, takes two so you can't do it alone.
So from here so be it . l don't think l really care much about making some new bigger and brighter and better life as such . But whatever l do do has to be the best l can do for my daughter and me now. For myself though l don't really care if what's left isn't like that . But it can be about me now for once so l might as well enjoy that aspect and l do hope to just make a life , just a life , my life , in my control , my likes and choices , my hours , my tv shows haha , getting the whole couch to myself , sleeping in , all the silly little big things that can drive you a bit batty in a marriage .
My daughter and me often talk to about future stuff , house , life , as in ours , us , we, and that is so cool and it's helping her a lot knowing things are still us , things we'll do , her as much as me and that my life from here is our life too . l think she really loves that.
so l do enjoy a lot of the simple stuff now and it is damn nice to only jump just for once , when l feel like jumping . lt's a start .
l think l'd like some part time thing if l ever hook up again with someone else , so that l can still just come home and close the door on the world when l feel like it , because it's damn nice to be able to.


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## Horizon

Paradise said:


> Sounds like you figured it all out.
> 
> My fault was ignoring my gut and the red flags. If I had the knowledge I have now from TAM then I never would have gotten married. My ex jumped right from her first marriage to me. my gut knew I was the rebound but I didn't know what to call it at the time. She was trying to get back on her feet and she used me for that purpose. Once she had her new career in a new town she was gone with her new man.
> 
> It was all right there for me to see before we got married but I chose not to see it. I ended up paying off her debts from her first marriage and paid for her to go to school to get her degree and got rewarded with a lot more debt than I've ever seen and a broken home with a young child. But, in the end, it was my own fault for not seeing the red flags. She never got help she needed from her first marriage. I was the knight in shining armor until someone else became that for her once our own troubles started.
> 
> To make a long story short....I was an idiot as are most people when they jump into marriage for the first time. But...I won't make the same mistake twice. Since I'm getting too old to want more kids then it is pointless to get married.


This is painfully interesting Paradise. How conscious was your ex of her motivations? Or it it two people working out their own sh!t with disastrous outcomes? I'm guessing it wasn't premeditated.


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## Holland

I am a very happily divorced woman 

Sadly second and subsequent marriages have a higher divorce rate than firsts. So many people don't take responsibility for where they went wrong in their first marriage and blame it all on the other person.
They also jump into blending families too soon, child related issues are the main reason for second divorces.

So taking all of that into consideration I feel very confident that if I were to remarry it would be for the right reasons and at the right time. I have met the right man and we have plans for a long future together, there is no rush to do anything now while our respective kids are still in school.


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## browneyes74

Sometimes I wonder if, because we, as a society, hasn't had the drama and issues that the previous generations had, that we aren't creating our own drama and issues in our generation via marriage? 

I mean, seriously, doesn't some of the issues in your own divorce seem petty when compared to being in a World War and having to ration common foods? Or, as my grandparents did, having to go through the Great Depression? I mean, I'm not saying I shouldn't have gotten a divorce, or that my husband becoming a pill popping drunk who cheated on me was a petty thing, but.. if we had had SERIOUS issues to contend with, would the boredom of every day life and the "daddy" issues he had cause him to become this way? 

It's a variation of the "me me" generation.. Is it because we have nothing better to do? Or actual issues to contend with, that we create some?


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## Paradise

Horizon said:


> This is painfully interesting Paradise. How conscious was your ex of her motivations? Or it it two people working out their own sh!t with disastrous outcomes? I'm guessing it wasn't premeditated.


I'm not sure I completely understand your question but I'll try to answer. My ex married young the first time. She blossomed while with me. But....The old life just wasn't exciting anymore for her and she wanted things that did not agree with who she said she was in the beginning, hence our problems starting. Call it a rebound, a mid-life crisis, whatever....Throw in lots of other crap and the end result was an affair I never knew about and a divorce I was trying to thwart at the time (without knowing about the affair). I signed off on the divorce less than a week after figuring everything out and went about my merry way, but I wasted a year trying to put the marriage back together (and a couple years now trying to piece my own life together after). 

Was I perfect? Oh, hell no! lol....I was an absolute mess by the end. But...when I looked back to the beginning I did not go with my instincts and instead allowed lust to rule. All of the signs were there. Being on TAM has made me look back to the beginning. 

She was living with the new man 2 months after the divorce was final and married less than a year later. He left his wife and kid as well. Guess they are doing ok. Not sure.


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## Kitkat58

I am surprised that after a year and a half of separation and now divorce, I can truly say that I am experiencing contentment, maybe for the first time in my life! I got married to get away from my family, and after 34 years of marriage, wanted a divorce to get away from my husband. And now I am finally discovering the person I always knew I could be, but felt expectations of society or my family or maybe my younger self were keeping me from. I heard people say how great is was to be single, away from the person who was making them so miserable, but I didn't believe it. The media, movies, books, etc. etc. all make you believe in some romantic notion, that you will meet that special someone, and live happily ever after. Maybe this works for some people, but it never worked for me. I look at my married friends now, and almost pity them. I can see them struggling like I did, for so many years, staying together because they just didn't have the courage to do anything about it, or thinking that the world will end if they admit that their lives just are not working. Well, my world did end, my false married world, and now I have been given the chance to enter my new world, my world of discovery. I don't even blame my ex husband, although at first I did, to everyone who would listen. He was also trapped in false expectations, of trying to make me fulfill everything that was lacking in him. Maybe marriage is needed to a certain degree to raise kids, and there are people who are suited for it, but not everyone is, and now I am finally happy to accept that I was one of those people who was not suited for it, and it doesn't make me a deviant, it just makes me someone who was not suited for marriage.


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## COguy

Pre-D if you were telling me you were getting divorced I would be judging you. I would think "I wonder what their problem is that they can't make it." Then I would feel sorry for you because your life is over and it's such a tragedy and all that.

Then I joined the D club and when I meet someone who got divorced it's like, "Congratulations!" and a hug and a smile. I've noticed when you talk excitedly with another divorcee about their split people that haven't gone through it will look at you like you are crazy.

I'm not sure either position is healthy TBH, so I guess the moral of the story is, try to be less judgemental, and try not to let other people shape your thinking so much, since they don't know your situation.

My views have definitely changed, I would never stay in a relationship with someone that net negatively impacted my life. I'm also extremely unlikely to ever be marrying again anyway.

I've also realized there are a lot of people out there who are relationship challenged. I can't believe how many of my friends are getting married right on the backs of their divorce.


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## Baseballmom6

Jellybeans said:


> I don't know if my feelings about divorce have changed necessarily, but my feelings about marriage definitely have.
> Much more so than divorce.
> 
> I do see a lot of people who just stay in relationships that are bad/unhealthy because it's easier/more convenient/they don't want a divorce stigma/are afraid of what it would be like w/o being married/financial obligations/fears and I feel like, that is a sad thing. But at the same time, people are going to do whatever they want.
> 
> I never ever thought I would get divorced. Ever. So it was something that took a very long time for me to come to terms with and blending into my new life was not easy/challenging for me. However, with that said, my marriage seems like it was so far away now. And I know with certainty I will never ever ever view marriage, personally, as I did before. Something has changed within me. It's like seeing something--you can't not see it again, you know? I rather liked being married ( most times ) but now that I am not, I can't imagine doing that again. I truly thought it was something I would do til I died. And now that seems so foreign to me. Because of the fact that it was so traumatic for me, what happened, I seriously do not believe I would do it again.
> 
> Divorce... is pretty standard nowadays. But when I look at marriage and divorce... marriage is the one I feel like I have stronger feelings about--the one I view more with a slanted eye; the one of the two that springs up more emotions in me to discourse about.


This is exactly how I feel about it. I still can't believe I am divorced and it really makes me sad. Although I am the one who filed I should have never been forced to do it.


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## Jellybeans

COguy said:


> Then I joined the D club and when I meet someone who got divorced it's like, "Congratulations!" and a hug and a smile. *I've noticed when you talk excitedly with another divorcee about their split *people that haven't gone through it will look at you like you are crazy.


:rofl: I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's like a super secret club where you giggle. Hahahaha.



Baseballmom6 said:


> This is exactly how I feel about it. I still can't believe I am divorced and it really makes me sad. Although I am the one who filed I should have never been forced to do it.


Aww. Cheer up, Baseball. I promise, it gets better. You have to go through the SUCK first though. The other side can be great though!


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## whitehawk

COguy said:


> Pre-D if you were telling me you were getting divorced I would be judging you. I would think "I wonder what their problem is that they can't make it." Then I would feel sorry for you because your life is over and it's such a tragedy and all that.
> 
> Then I joined the D club and when I meet someone who got divorced it's like, "Congratulations!" and a hug and a smile. I've noticed when you talk excitedly with another divorcee about their split people that haven't gone through it will look at you like you are crazy.
> 
> I'm not sure either position is healthy TBH, so I guess the moral of the story is, try to be less judgemental, and try not to let other people shape your thinking so much, since they don't know your situation.
> 
> My views have definitely changed, I would never stay in a relationship with someone that net negatively impacted my life. I'm also extremely unlikely to ever be marrying again anyway.
> 
> I've also realized there are a lot of people out there who are relationship challenged. I can't believe how many of my friends are getting married right on the backs of their divorce.




There is something special at least in meeting others where things didn't work out for sure . For once it suddenly doesn't seem like much of a big deal , just life - or something like oh yeah , it hit the fan for me too.

It is weird seeing people rush into other things, marriages . A lot of people seem to think THEY MUST - find someone new , NOW ! l must be married again and pronto , this can not be like this. l must fix this type thing , ASAP .
To me that's about the worst thing you could do straight out of this crap.


----------



## Jellybeans

whitehawk said:


> It is weird seeing people rush into other things, marriages . A lot of people seem to think THEY MUST - find someone new , NOW ! l must be married again and pronto , this can not be like this. l must fix this type thing , ASAP .
> *To me that's about the worst thing you could do straight out of this crap*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I feel pretty much like OP about divorce at this point in my life - why did I wait so long?

I stuck with the abuse for so long thinking "if only" - and took the blame for his anger for far too long. And I knew it was wrong as I contemplated leaving a number of times but my self doubt was too great. 

So yeah, I only wish I'd done it sooner. I can even remember a specific day, going in to work in tears from some altercation that morning (pre-kiddo) and coming so close to wanting to get a divorce. I wouldn't have had kiddo but I also wouldn't know what I was missing and would have had time in my late 20s to remarry and have children.

When things were going well (his business/financially) then life was great, but the minute anything went awry, he was hostile and angry and difficult to deal with. So there were times that gave me hope that the worst was behind us but each time something else would happen and he just couldn't deal with anything not going his way.

I know some happily married people but I've learned how screwed up the majority of people are. If there's anything I'm jaded about it's the human condition. Very few had my upbringing of a Norman Rockwell childhood and finding someone physically attractive or who enjoys the same things is easier than finding that combination with someone who is emotionally healthy, has good communication skills and coping skills plus a positive attitude.


----------



## arbitrator

EnjoliWoman said:


> *I know some happily married people but I've learned how screwed up the majority of people are. If there's anything I'm jaded about it's the human condition. Very few had my upbringing of a Norman Rockwell childhood and finding someone physically attractive or who enjoys the same things is easier than finding that combination with someone who is emotionally healthy, has good communication skills and coping skills plus a positive attitude.*


*That is so totally "me!" Well verbalized, Enjoli!*


----------



## WasDecimated

I still feel the same way about divorce as I always did...hate it, but I sure feel differently about marriage now. 

I have been divorced for 16 months. My XWW did a thorough job of destroying our marriage...as well as me. I am trying to keep her out of my life as much as possible so I can heal but she seem to want to keep me in orbit. NC is the only way for me to keep my sanity.

I don't know if I am better off now or not. I work, come home, I work out, spend 1/2 my time with my children...and that's about it. I don't date, probably because I don't trust women anymore. I still have low self esteem and confidence. I am trying to rebuild that but it will take a long time. 

Divorce, in itself, isn't bad as long as its mutually agreed upon by both. If we had a bad marriage, emotional or physical abuse, major incompatibilities, Philosophical differences...etc, I would welcome divorce. I would be like a new freedom. Divorce because of extreme betrayal is another story. That's the hard thing to get past for me. 

I know there is a new life out there for me somewhere being a divorced man but I need a lot of time to heal before I even feel like living it.


----------



## parker

I was saddened, and I am still saddened by my divorce because I wanted to stay with my X and work things out. I'm looking forward to the phase of my life where I can reflect on my divorce and know that it was for the best. It's been less than a year so I have a long ways to go.


----------



## LongWalk

Decimated,

Did you ex end up with POSOM?


----------



## IndyTMI

I occasionally think back and wonder if I took the right approach. Did I really give her an opportunity to make things right, time to change?
After tossing a few scenarios through my head, I jump back to reason and realize how wonderful life is now and that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to make the marriage any better. 
I too, was very angry at myself for allowing/tolerating the relationship for the length of time I did.
All I can do now is appreciate what it is I have and each time I do reflect back to my previous marriage, it reminds me that I certainly do have it good now and to do what I can to maintain that happiness.
I 100% agree...if you're not happy and your partner isn't helping to correct the issues, they are better to be left behind so you can enjoy your life.


----------



## hereinthemidwest

I can say I'm MAD at myself that I waited so long. Had I divorced him first time he cheated two years into our marriage, I could of saved myself from wasting 26 more years. Young, scared and I felt trapped so I continued on. It's time I can never get back.

I can now openly admit now I never really trusted him. There where many times in my life when I was invited somewhere that I said no. Because he didn't want to go. And I felt if I went he be up to no good. SAD for me, yes I know. Almost like I D1CK SAT for 26 years. 

I feel we allow people now to treat us. The last time his D1CK wondered off and fell into another hole, I was at a different time in my life. I made the money! Our son was entering in 9th grade and our daughter was married by then. I was so done. 

Hardest part now 4 years later is meeting people of quality to date. I feel the world has lost his moral compass! Plus I'm so careful not to repeat any past mistakes. Looking for equal and not play mommy to some adult toddler who I have to D1CK sit with.


----------



## Pulse9

browneyes74 said:


> Sometimes I wonder if, because we, as a society, hasn't had the drama and issues that the previous generations had, that we aren't creating our own drama and issues in our generation via marriage?
> 
> I mean, seriously, doesn't some of the issues in your own divorce seem petty when compared to being in a World War and having to ration common foods? Or, as my grandparents did, having to go through the Great Depression? I mean, I'm not saying I shouldn't have gotten a divorce, or that my husband becoming a pill popping drunk who cheated on me was a petty thing, but.. if we had had SERIOUS issues to contend with, would the boredom of every day life and the "daddy" issues he had cause him to become this way?
> 
> It's a variation of the "me me" generation.. Is it because we have nothing better to do? Or actual issues to contend with, that we create some?


I so identify with this. My X and I even agree this was a powerful dynamic in our relationship. Over time he morphed into a pill popping, unemployed drunk (also fueled by underlying daddy issues). I used to feel so guilty thinking I had caused his downward spiral, but ultimately it was depression and sheer boredom on his part. He struggled much of his life but he never had to struggle financially with me. He was raised on hundreds of acres of land in Montana and was now confined in a cookie cutter box of a house in 110 degree Phoenix. I am sure much of it had to do with feeling like less of a man as I was the primary breadwinner as well.


----------



## sherri1997

This is so hard to answer. I am just 17 months out of separation and less than a month out of the actual divorce papers being signed and my view has changed so much.

One one hand, I was very unhappy in my marriage but stayed b/c I loved him and I love my kids. I was totally blind to the true person that he has become and the person he is now turns my stomach. The most painful part is that I really don't know if anything could have been done to save the marriage. I question if I did all that I could have done on my part. I was not the easiest person to be married to but I also didn't cheat on my EX. And I also didn't jump straight into another relationship to heal my wounds. This has to be the hardest part for me ... watching him being in love with another woman. It doesn't matter who she is or how I know that she is a rebound, he is in love with someone else and moved so quickly to her that it baffles me.

Someone else posted that they don't know if parts of them will ever heal and I feel that way now ... I am not sure I will ever really recover from this. I am too scared to involve myself with anyone else and I don't think I will ever trust anyone else. I think that divorce takes the innocence away from being in love ... I regret that part of it b/c I will never fully open up to anyone ever again.


----------



## hope4family

hereinthemidwest said:


> Hardest part now 4 years later is meeting people of quality to date. I feel the world has lost his moral compass! Plus I'm so careful not to repeat any past mistakes. Looking for equal and not play mommy to some adult toddler who I have to D1CK sit with.


Think the opposite, but same problem none the less.


----------



## southbound

browneyes74 said:


> Sometimes I wonder if, because we, as a society, hasn't had the drama and issues that the previous generations had, that we aren't creating our own drama and issues in our generation via marriage?
> 
> I mean, seriously, doesn't some of the issues in your own divorce seem petty when compared to being in a World War and having to ration common foods? Or, as my grandparents did, having to go through the Great Depression? I mean, I'm not saying I shouldn't have gotten a divorce, or that my husband becoming a pill popping drunk who cheated on me was a petty thing, but.. if we had had SERIOUS issues to contend with, would the boredom of every day life and the "daddy" issues he had cause him to become this way?
> 
> It's a variation of the "me me" generation.. Is it because we have nothing better to do? Or actual issues to contend with, that we create some?


I agree. My x wife wanted a divorce simply because she was no longer happy. I had apparently become boring, even though what we had would have been considered paradise by past generations. I thought her reasons for divorce were rather petty, but after coming here and browsing around, I discover that some people sorta go along with that philosophy. Heck, if you're not happy because of the way your spouse butters their bread, divorce and move on.

As someone else said, people just aren't made of what they used to be. What if our current generation had to live through a depression and war in addition to the supposedly rough conditions that cause so much unhappiness today? I'm sure my grandfather wasn't too up on the 5 love languages, but he and grandma had a great life.





Decimated said:


> I still feel the same way about divorce as I always did...hate it, but I sure feel differently about marriage now.



I love this statement. It describes my belief as well.


----------



## philglossop

It a weird question. 50% of me thinks great it's done and dusted and I'm proud that I had no choice but to handle it all by myself, the other 50% absolutely hates it, as I hate failing at things. But I've happily owned my half of the marriage break down, XH can deal with his half at his own time. Not my concern or worry. 

A bit like Sherri, my XH took off and ran to the hills with OM last year. Slowly but surely I've climbed that hill he ran up and you know what- I'm so glad I did that climb on my own, because now I can see the future is still surrounded in mystery and importantly I don't think I actually need someone by my side to help develop the next part of the journey.

OK- it would be nice if someone did join my side, but hey I'm not going to panic if it never happens again. Perhaps being an only child has something to do with it. Yup I rebounded twice in the early days, but now the dust has settled, a relationship doesn't really feature in my plans now. The "walls" are up, and nobody is ever going to hurt me in the way I spent dealing with events from 2009-2013.

But those walls are so dismissive of any critism or complaint by anyone now. Either that, or I've hit the age of "couldn't give a flying".

So it's both a positive thing and a negative thing. But if anyone asks me if I'm single- I'm sort of proud to say "divorced actually". As a gay man, you do get funny looks!!


----------



## Baseballmom6

One of the many reasons I hate being divorced is because of crap like this: 

Our son is going to be married in a couple of months. Even though my Ex is now living with the POSOW my son addressed the invite to his Dad only hoping the OW would get the hint. This past Sunday, my ex was next door at his mother's house and I saw him in the yard by himself. I went over and spoke to him nicely and said "You know son doesn't know how to tell you this but he is uncomfortable with you bringing POSOW (I didn't actually use that phrase) to the wedding. So why don't you and I agree that you won't bring her and I won't bring my current boyfriend (this was actually my boyfriend's suggestion). So ex tells me that his POSOW was hurt that her name wasn't on the invite and so she said she wasn't going (guess she got the hint). Ex told me that he told her (OW) that she was going anyway. The OW is also upset that she hasn't been invited to the bridal shower.

I told my ex that son isn't trying to hurt anybody's feelings but that son feels like she broke up our family and also knows that I would be uncomfortable with her attending. 

Well, ex then tells me that if POSOW isn't welcome then he isn't going. WTF? Not going to your own son's wedding? Is he serious? I don't know how anybody can even think it much less say it.

I dreamed of the days when our children would get married, have their babies and my ex and I would love and enjoy the grandchildren together. After 28 years, that dream was destroyed for the whole family because ex couldn't keep his zipper shut.

Divorce certainly destroys families. I told my son that if the OW had to attend in order for his Dad to come that I would just suck it up and deal with it. The last thing in the world I want is for my son to be stressed and upset that his Dad isn't coming to his wedding. 

Son even told me a few weeks ago that his Dad told him that he was about ready to get rid of the OW so why the heck is it so important that she attend? I am so angry at his response!

On another note, my ex has always had an issue with heavy woman so of course I silently gloated when I saw the OW has gained about 60 pounds since they got together. Also gloated when EX told me that both his riding lawnmower and his home air-conditioner broke last week (the home which was supposed to be our retirement house at the lake where him and OW are living now). Ah, such Karma!:lol:


----------



## TheGoodGuy

southbound said:


> I agree. My x wife wanted a divorce simply because she was no longer happy. I had apparently become boring, even though what we had would have been considered paradise by past generations. I thought her reasons for divorce were rather petty, but after coming here and browsing around, I discover that some people sorta go along with that philosophy. Heck, if you're not happy because of the way your spouse butters their bread, divorce and move on.
> 
> As someone else said, people just aren't made of what they used to be. What if our current generation had to live through a depression and war in addition to the supposedly rough conditions that cause so much unhappiness today? I'm sure my grandfather wasn't too up on the 5 love languages, but he and grandma had a great life.
> 
> I love this statement. It describes my belief as well.


_Posted via Mobile Device_
This. So much this. Sometimes I feel like I'm an older man in a younger man's body. What part of our life was so difficult? The fact that we had everything we needed and many of the things we wanted, and that was boring? Fvck that attitude. I still think divorce sucks, that has not changed in my mind, but my thoughts on serious relationships/marriages have.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Baseballmom6 said:


> One of the many reasons I hate being divorced is because of crap like this:
> 
> Our son is going to be married in a couple of months. Even though my Ex is now living with the POSOW my son addressed the invite to his Dad only hoping the OW would get the hint. This past Sunday, my ex was next door at his mother's house and I saw him in the yard by himself. I went over and spoke to him nicely and said "You know son doesn't know how to tell you this but he is uncomfortable with you bringing POSOW (I didn't actually use that phrase) to the wedding. So why don't you and I agree that you won't bring her and I won't bring my current boyfriend (this was actually my boyfriend's suggestion). So ex tells me that his POSOW was hurt that her name wasn't on the invite and so she said she wasn't going (guess she got the hint). Ex told me that he told her (OW) that she was going anyway. The OW is also upset that she hasn't been invited to the bridal shower.
> 
> I told my ex that son isn't trying to hurt anybody's feelings but that son feels like she broke up our family and also knows that I would be uncomfortable with her attending.
> 
> Well, ex then tells me that if POSOW isn't welcome then he isn't going. WTF? Not going to your own son's wedding? Is he serious? I don't know how anybody can even think it much less say it.
> 
> I dreamed of the days when our children would get married, have their babies and my ex and I would love and enjoy the grandchildren together. After 28 years, that dream was destroyed for the whole family because ex couldn't keep his zipper shut.
> 
> Divorce certainly destroys families. I told my son that if the OW had to attend in order for his Dad to come that I would just suck it up and deal with it. The last thing in the world I want is for my son to be stressed and upset that his Dad isn't coming to his wedding.
> 
> Son even told me a few weeks ago that his Dad told him that he was about ready to get rid of the OW so why the heck is it so important that she attend? I am so angry at his response!
> 
> On another note, my ex has always had an issue with heavy woman so of course I silently gloated when I saw the OW has gained about 60 pounds since they got together. Also gloated when EX told me that both his riding lawnmower and his home air-conditioner broke last week (the home which was supposed to be our retirement house at the lake where him and OW are living now). Ah, such Karma!:lol:


The OW actually thinks she should go the the shower?? Thats rich!! Your ex is clearly a selfish ass. This day isnt about him, and he should respect your son's wishes.


----------



## WasDecimated

LongWalk said:


> Decimated,
> 
> Did you ex end up with POSOM?


Nope. He dumped her right after his divorce was final and right before ours was final. He's found some one new in a short amount of time.


----------



## Baseballmom6

Yeah 3X she actually thinks she is part of the family and deserves to attend the shower. Doesn't show any remorse for helping to break up our family. She really is stupid and Ex is being selfish.


----------



## EasyBakeOven

My first ever message here 

I am not totally divorced yet but on my way with paperwork. 

I have a sister who is divorced, she is not happy at all but she claims to everyone on Facebook she is.

I have met a few ladies on POF that also claim to be very happy on Facebook. They tell me a much different story. These people were all the leavers by the way. 

My ex is now done with her 3rd relationship since separation and is one miserable lady. Grass is never greener. Some learn the hard way. 

All i can say is that i did not chose to be divorced. My ex walked out on my son and i almost 4 years ago. Told a bunch of lies to why to everyone. (she was cheating of coarse)

My son was very affected by this. He says he loves his mom but never in the same way. He just turned 14 and was 10 years old when this went down. I have full custody and have pulled up my big boy pants over this time.

Statistics show that the leaver does not stand much a chance for another happy marriage (my lawyer told me this) The odds of the person that got dumped have a much higher success rate.

I know everyone went through their own drama to why they ended their marriage but divorce is a terrible terrible thing for family. Many countries force marriage counseling but not here in Canada.

Happiness will come but its been 4 years.. so we will see.


----------



## Fordsvt

I'm not sure yet really. I'm still in the R Stage trying to make it work.


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## EasyBakeOven

Fordsvt said:


> I'm not sure yet really. I'm still in the R Stage trying to make it work.


The R stage rarely works. Probably for many reasons. Cheating in a marriage is deal breaker for example. My opinion anyways. Not sure what your story is so please do not assume i meant anything against you.

Other reason are that our society has kinda adopted that ending marriages is a cool thing. When my wife left, her sister left her husband shortly after. Its sad and crazy what is happening in this world. 

There is men ending marriages but women are the ones pulling the plug 80 percent of the time. Its a fact. In stead of there friends suggesting that maybe they work on there marriage.. they simply suggest leave. I did it.. you will be fine and much much more happy.

Then you see POF profiles that mostly state.. where are all the good men at ??? I dont get it.


----------



## Fordsvt

She had a five week EA. I caught it all. Her friends want her to work on us. They want me to do the same thing. Nobody is telling her to leave. Time will tell for the R process.


----------



## hope4family

EasyBakeOven said:


> The R stage rarely works. Probably for many reasons. Cheating in a marriage is deal breaker for example. My opinion anyways. Not sure what your story is so please do not assume i meant anything against you.
> 
> Other reason are that our society has kinda adopted that ending marriages is a cool thing. *When my wife left, her sister left her husband shortly after.* Its sad and crazy what is happening in this world.
> 
> There is men ending marriages but women are the ones pulling the plug 80 percent of the time. Its a fact. In stead of there friends suggesting that maybe they work on there marriage.. they simply suggest leave. I did it.. you will be fine and much much more happy.
> 
> Then you see POF profiles that mostly state.. where are all the good men at ??? I dont get it.


Ironically. My ex-wife's sister also left her husband a few months before me. 

It doesn't matter whether or not we take comfort in there happiness or lack thereof. It only matters that we ourselves find our own unique happiness. 

The circumstances withstanding, finding that individual happiness or contentment is a large frame of mind. I myself have battled with depression, but for the most part I am very content and even more so happy. 

I wish you the best, thank you for your posts and welcome to the forum.


----------



## poppyseed

parker said:


> I was saddened, and I am still saddened by my divorce because I wanted to stay with my X and work things out. I'm looking forward to the phase of my life where I can reflect on my divorce and know that it was for the best. It's been less than a year so I have a long ways to go.



Similar here..but I'm glad that I didn't leave my marriage straightaway though. I persisted, fought and tried to keep it as long as I could until my ex decided to call it quits at long last. Sure it helped me learn to grow and mature as a human being.

Now, I appreciate everything in life, nature looks brighter, colour much sharper than before, music far more beautiful than before. I feel I'm far more in touch with my inner self and my own ability to enjoy the world once I have my own time in peace without constant worries and stress about someone else wondering if he's happy with me, what he's eating, did I buy his cakes, pizza, if he cheating again, did he lie to me about this and the other etc? Stress from having a bad marriage can kill you or at last, it sure will make you ill. 

To those who went through hell and got divorced: enjoy the rich fruits of your hard work!!


----------



## poppyseed

EasyBakeOven said:


> The R stage rarely works. Probably for many reasons. Cheating in a marriage is deal breaker for example.


That is true. People do cling to someone who will betray and walk all over them. It's a slow death as I look at it. People hesitate to D as it is so final and the process would be so traumatic and people have so much fear for the unknown. If Divorce is the ultimate Death, R is simply a disease process/pathology going on which eventually leads to the ultimate end/death - D. Once your marriage is diseased, it pumps poison and toxin into the system. There's no stopping of tissue death spreading.


----------



## LongWalk

Two of my uncles cheated and were divorced. They did not come out winners. Their children resented OW. Economically their families suffered.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## Hoosier

My xw left our 30 year marriage when I discovered her affair. I was totally blindsided, had no idea, imagine my surprise when I found out it was not the first one!
I to am glad we divorced. Much happier than when I was married. When things got bad, I just figured that I married for better or worse, this was the worse, I should stick it out. She did not want to try to R and ended up marrying the POSOM within six months. I am totally glad that I asked three times for R, when she said no, I quickly pulled the plug. So no regrets that I could of done more, that is important to me.
I have a great relationship with my grown daughters, hear daily from at least one, many days all three of them! 
I will NEVER get married again, I very much desire a loving, exclusive relationship, but not even sure I want to live with someone else. My money, car, home are my own. Love my independence. 
Recently my youngest (23) told me of her decision to live with her boyfriend. Found myself counseling her that no reason to get married right away, as kids are not in her immediate future, she needs to take her time..... 10 years ago, I would of loaded my shotgun and we would of had a wedding!! lol.


----------



## Lon

I find it all a bit of a waste. I don't regret the divorce, but I do regret the marriage. Yes there were originally some good memories, but the point of marriage is to make those memories, and the bad ones too, count for something. The end of marriage simply writes off the value of those memories, and divorce is a loss-mitigation plan. But there are not really any do-overs, sure I can get remarried to someone who is loving and compatible and spend the rest of my days with - making new memories that count for something again, but to me the fact my old memories cannot be replaced with the new ones, combined with the realization that new memories can be just dismissed like the old one if the marriage falls apart has forced me to change my stance.

Now, in order to make my memories count I will no longer place value on them based on some sort of social construct like marriage. I am not going to risk gambling my memoirs on an attachment to another person whom I have no authority over - I will spend my life making connections to people who retain their own autonomy and respect that I will retain my own too. So that I may cherish my own memories and let my significant other decide what to do with her own.

The two become one cliche is a big fantastical lie, that distracts people from true contentment and fulfillment in life.


----------



## movealong

How do you feel about divorce now?

I hate the process, but I am looking forward to the freedom and finding my "self" happiness again.


----------



## Fenix

Decimated said:


> I still feel the same way about divorce as I always did...hate it, but I sure feel differently about marriage now.
> 
> I have been divorced for 16 months. My XWW did a thorough job of destroying our marriage...as well as me. I am trying to keep her out of my life as much as possible so I can heal but she seem to want to keep me in orbit. NC is the only way for me to keep my sanity.
> 
> I don't know if I am better off now or not. I work, come home, I work out, spend 1/2 my time with my children...and that's about it. I don't date, probably because I don't trust women anymore. I still have low self esteem and confidence. I am trying to rebuild that but it will take a long time.
> 
> Divorce, in itself, isn't bad as long as its mutually agreed upon by both. If we had a bad marriage, emotional or physical abuse, major incompatibilities, Philosophical differences...etc, I would welcome divorce. I would be like a new freedom. Divorce because of extreme betrayal is another story. That's the hard thing to get past for me.
> 
> I know there is a new life out there for me somewhere being a divorced man but I need a lot of time to heal before I even feel like living it.


I have almost the exact opposite viewpoint. Maybe it's a male/female thing. I initiated our divorce due to serial cheating, which is what I guess you call extreme betrayal. Once I got enough facts and saw how ugly and deep the disrespect and betrayal went, my decision was very, very easy. For me, the betrayal pushed me out the door with no second thoughts. This is a gift. While I have a part in whatever was wrong in the marriage, I carry no guilt. It was his choice to cheat and lie repeatedly, instead of addressing his problems and our problems. When he chose the route he did, he doomed the marriage.

So, how do I feel about divorce? Very thankful it is an option, grateful that I have friends and family members that supported me and happy to be free...because that is what I am now.


----------



## Fenix

LongWalk said:


> Two of my uncles cheated and were divorced. They did not come out winners. Their children resented OW. Economically their families suffered.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


But how are their ex wives doing? I really don't have much sympathy for the cheaters who messed up their lives. *shrug*


----------



## poppyseed

LongWalk said:


> Two of my uncles cheated and were divorced. They did not come out winners. Their children resented OW. Economically their families suffered.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


LongWalk.....That's what I hear. Leavers / cheaters tend to get dumped. It is usually a sign of massive selfishness, not the best quality to be had for any meaningful relationship.


----------



## poppyseed

Hoosier said:


> I will NEVER get married again, I very much desire a loving, exclusive relationship, but not even sure I want to live with someone else. My money, car, home are my own. Love my independence.
> Recently my youngest (23) told me of her decision to live with her boyfriend. Found myself counseling her that no reason to get married right away, as kids are not in her immediate future, she needs to take her time..... 10 years ago, I would of loaded my shotgun and we would of had a wedding!! lol.


Funnily enough, both of my parents said something similar. They weren't compatible. They also suffered from their own marriage. Loving and being loved or even caring are still our human need.


----------



## helolover

It was really the only option for me being married to a woman with untreated BPD. The process sucked, and it was hard, but I'm free from the daily suffering and no-win situations.


----------



## WestMonroe91

Not yet D. Still waiting for WW to agree to mediate so we can get things finished. But I fall in the category of 50/50. I agree with another person who said that its human nature to want to be loved and connected. That is what I miss mostly as I await dissolution.

On the other hand, since I filed and WW has moved out, I have a sense of control and peacefulness. There were in-law obligations I had to put up with that are no more. There were certain things that made me uncomfortable that I don't have to endure any longer. WW only confessed the latest affair but in my gut there were red flags that she had others. After 23 years, I feel like it actually lasted longer than it should.

Problem was that my WW had childhood issues that she still has not put to rest. When I told MC about them, MC replied "if she hasn't gotten over them at her age, she may never get over them." So many people have baggage from childhood that there should be a universal awareness push to help them come to terms so they can move on.

At least going forward, this experience has taught me a lot and in any new relationship I will be "cautiously trustful."


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

I'd echo what others said upstream - it's my feelings about marriage that have changed, not so much divorce.

Having said that, I was married for 14 years. Whether or not she had BPD or not - she went to counseling a few times, didn't like what she heard and would never go back - looking back it's astounding what you can get used to and tolerate. And that's what I've learned since I left. It was almost surreal, just the normalcy of life without the yelling, drama, strife, etc. We were perpetually broke, paycheck to paycheck. Now, even with my SS and CS payments to her, I have money left over at the end of the month. I'm in charge of my life, have freedom and peace.

I just wish I had filed way before I did.


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## split_open_and_melt

My ex-W left me for another dude in October. Divorce was final last month. I can't say I miss her much. I've been realizing that neither of us had been happy for quite a while. Kids were supposed to be the next phase in our lives together, "solution" so to speak. Made it through the hard years, got two girls out of diapers then she kicked me to the curb blaming me for her unhappiness....yada, yada.

I've since met another girl whose awesome and we are really happy together. She's also divorced with a young girl. We suit eachother much better then my ex and I ever did. 

I'm still sad that I'm not in my 2 girls lives as much, that they lost their parents as a unit. But the time I do spend with them (3 days a week, sometimes more) is quality time. 

Still pretty angry with the ex and have gone to basically no-contact other then kid logistics. I know I need to let go of the resentment in order to completely detach...but I can't say I hope she's happy with her new guy. Maybe someday. Right now the thought of him with my kids makes me sick. I tried the best I could to reconcile, I wanted to would work on us, and I definitely worked on myself. Our love was still there. Oh well, on to new love!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop

split_open_and_melt said:


> My ex-W left me for another dude in October. Divorce was final last month. I can't say I miss her much. I've been realizing that neither of us had been happy for quite a while. Kids were supposed to be the next phase in our lives together, "solution" so to speak. Made it through the hard years, got two girls out of diapers then she kicked me to the curb blaming me for her unhappiness....yada, yada.
> 
> I've since met another girl whose awesome and we are really happy together. She's also divorced with a young girl. We suit eachother much better then my ex and I ever did.
> 
> I'm still sad that I'm not in my 2 girls lives as much, that they lost their parents as a unit. But the time I do spend with them (3 days a week, sometimes more) is quality time.
> 
> Still pretty angry with the ex and have gone to basically no-contact other then kid logistics. I know I need to let go of the resentment in order to completely detach...but I can't say I hope she's happy with her new guy. Maybe someday. Right now the thought of him with my kids makes me sick. I tried the best I could to reconcile, I wanted to would work on us, and I definitely worked on myself. Our love was still there. Oh well, on to new love!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was generally very upset when it happened, but as the months roll by and my XH continues to show a pathetic shell of the man I loved, I'm actually glad that OM has to suffer that pathetic middle aged person who lies for England.

Myself financially recovered now and having some of the best laughs of my life, which I'd never have if I'd stuck out my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poppyseed

philglossop said:


> I'm actually glad that OM has to suffer that pathetic middle aged person who lies for England.
> 
> Myself financially recovered now and having some of the best laughs of my life, which I'd never have if I'd stuck out my marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel exactly the same. 

I hated that ex's mismanagement of funds and fear that it was going to wreck my financial security. 

Thank god that I don't need to deal with his character flaws which aren't going to get any better


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## stillhoping

I still don't like it. It's 3years since my exH ended a 28 year long marriage. I am doing quite well, moving into a new home I bought myself on a pond. I live my work, friends, two great kids and their significant others. Dating whenever I want to, nice men, nothing serious. Sounds good, right? I did a lot of changing, I'm so much clearer about myself, trust my feelings more, ask for what I want, can handle it if I don't get it. I understand what I didn't really have...a man who was my partner. Who cared about my happiness and building a life. He checked out of our marriage a long time ago and made it my problem. But I'm still angry that he stole my ever after. My kids will always have to share holidays, etc. with extra people, there won't be anyone who shared all those years to share with as we grow old together. I'm just sad


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## Fenix

Still Hoping, I can so relate to that. Still, it is better than the slow death of the alternative.


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## michzz

I'm very glad to have divorced my long-cheating and disturbed ex-wife.

I have since remarried.

That said, I still harbor ill will towards her for having left me in a damaged financial circumstance in the divorce.

She drains off my cash every month for another 7 years and took half my retirement to boot.

I only have about 10 years to try to get something going for retirement.


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## SoVeryLost

Divorce was the absolute best outcome in my circumstance. I, too, worried how my son would fare in a "broken" home, but looking back, he was living in a broken home when his father and I were together. Now we have peace and happiness on a daily basis. Life is good. My only regret is waiting so long to leave. Even after being gone for two years I still look at the clock at the end of each work day and I have to remind myself when leaving the office that I don't need to dread going home because I'm not going home to him. That's one of the best parts of my day now...when I remember there's no one timing me, no one waiting at home to yell at me or criticize me. Taking in a deep breath, letting a smile form across my face, and remembering the only thing waiting to greet me is my sweet little boy with an enthusiastic "mommy!" followed by a bear hug...yeah. That's my own little slice of heaven.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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