# The "Ex" factor



## AngieMarie (Nov 28, 2010)

What is your view on the "ex" factor?

If your boyfriend/husband wife/girlfriend had an sexual relationship with someone (high school/college years excluded), would you feel ok if they continued to 'be friends'?

I know that trust is huge here... But, is it appropriate?

Just looking for insight..

Thanks everyone!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My ex and I are friends, actually very good friends, I think! 

My husband is not bothered! 

He knows why we divorced and why we are in a good term with each other. He knows very well there is no emotion involved. 

We are good friends because we had been nice to each other, and it is good for us to still be nice to each other because it is good for our son( son with ex)! 

I have no resentment towards my ex, I have no attachment towards my ex, but I know if I need help, he will help me. If he needs help, I am there for him! 

My husband is pretty good with it! We never had any issues with it!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

On paper, it sounds like I should give it an OK.

There is trust, there is love, there is no question of cheating.
Let's even say there is a 0% chance of and EA or PA any time in the future. 

So let's say I do give an OK for this. After some time though, I'd feel... something. Some sort of an anxiety. Let's even go ahead and say this anxiety is unfounded. But hey, it's there. And it would grow. It would make me touchy and irritable. It would be there at the back of my mind when we'd fight about something unrelated.. and it would add fuel to the fire.

So overall.. No, I wouldn't agree to this.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Reaching,

I think girls are more sensitive about this issue, if it bothers the current girl friend or wife, I think the man should stop private contact with his ex. But there will be formal business going on, especially if there are kids involved!

I don't think I will be OK if my husband had an ex and he were constantly in touch with her!


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## AngieMarie (Nov 28, 2010)

Ok, what about if your boyfriend/girlfriend wife/husband felt uneasy about your " friend relationship", would you still continue to stay friends and talk to them?

And lets just say for point of argue.. No children involved.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Greenpearl,

I don't mean I would have a problem with him being in touch with an ex or ex's. Especially if kids were involved.

Being in touch and taking care of "business" - no problem.

Being friends - no.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AngieMarie said:


> Ok, what about if your boyfriend/girlfriend wife/husband felt uneasy about your " friend relationship", would you still continue to stay friends and talk to them?
> 
> And lets just say for point of argue.. No children involved.


I think he or she has to make her or him feel secure in their relationship!

If there are no kids involved, then stop contact with ex, because it is not necessary for them to be in touch anyway! Friendship with ex can't get in the way of the current relationship! 

But if there are kids involved, it is important for divorced adults to be in a nice term! Even though the parents are divorced, we should still do our best to give our kids parent love! Just in a different way!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Greenpearl,
> 
> I don't mean I would have a problem with him being in touch with an ex or ex's. Especially if kids were involved.
> 
> ...


What is the definition of friends here? 

We may have different explanation about friends here! 

Friends to me means: When I talk to him, I talk to him nicely and respectfully! And when he needs help, I will help him! It doesn't mean I will have any private gathering with him! 

I don't have any male friends. In Taiwan, I know few people. My ex is one of the few I know! When I do need help, he is the one I can count on maybe!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Reaching,

Angie,

There was one man who my husband felt threatened! 

And he made sure I cut off the tie with that man! 

He was a man I had emotional attachment for! 

He is from India, right now lives in the States!

After my relationship with my husband(then friends) became serious, I stopped all the contact with that person! 

I think it if important for the current relationship to be strong and secure. If the former one has emotional attachment involved, it is not good for the current one. They should stop contact!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Being friends means hanging out, telling each other things you would tell any other friend. Being close just like any "normal" friends, without any romantic past, are supposed to be. 

There are emotions involved in being friends.

Ex's as Acquaintances - OK.

Ex's as Friends - Not OK.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Being friends means hanging out, telling each other things you would tell any other friend. Being close just like any "normal" friends, without any romantic past, are supposed to be.
> 
> There are emotions involved in being friends.
> 
> ...


I agree with this! 

My ex and I only talk about our son, and what we should do to give our son a better future. I do talk to him about religion stuff since he is a Christian! Noting else! 

I do have to tell Angie not to be too sensitive about ex issue. If they break up, there must be a reason, they are only history, you are the present!


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## AngieMarie (Nov 28, 2010)

Thanks everyone, you have made a lot of valid points. 

I fear that I'm being jealous or insecure and I hate feeling that way. Do I think that he would cheat on me? No. So why then does it bother me? 

I think because the 'threat' is there, but it's everywhere. I don't understand why someone would want to continue to be friends with a past lover, seems to me like there would never be closure and room for someone to move on if they continue to look behind them. For sure, it has made me very insecure in the relationship.. Especially when I read "I miss our conversations..." smells like trouble to me. 

Just a little bit of history.. We were going strong for such a long time, but I always felt he was distant. Long story short and us talking a lot, I found that he was having doubts about being in a relationship or being single (He went through a lot of crap with his ex, and losing a child... and his brother and grandma recently passed..), I think he was going through a mid-life crisis almost. We went and spoke to our pastor and it seems like everything changed for the better in just a few short weeks. I was the one that KNEW we would be together and no doubts whatsoever.. and trying to tell him to trust me and put faith in us and in GOD. 

Well... Now, he is for sure in the relationship, and says that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. (I guess time will tell if I get a ring in the near future) 

As much as I love him, and feel like I can spend the rest of our lives together, now I'm the one doubting it. Can I trust him? He is a really great guy.. I think I'm the one scared now!? LOL 

I can't picture our life without each other, but this ex thing really gets to me. Am I over-reacting?? Is this normal?


Any advice would be great, thank you all so much!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Angie,

From what you described about your relationship, I think you two are pretty fine! 

As human, we all have different kinds of fear, they come from no where, they are difficult for us to explain, we know it is silly for us to have it, but then we have it! 

A few years ago, I had fear about getting old and sick, I was horrified when I saw old people on wheelchairs, I was worried that I would become like that one day! But right now I am only about 38 years old! 

Having fear like this doesn't help us. Feeling insecure don't help your relationship! The more you are paranoid, the less attractive you become. Believe me, men don't like that! They like women with confidence! When you have confidence about yourself, you are full of charm. 

Just strive to be a woman he loves and wants! 

There are some good articles I have on my profile, they are about relationships, please do a search and read them. A few of them are pretty good, in my opinion!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

AM, when something is going good, one starts to have fears that they might lose it. Or, if they see something as too "perfect", they start looking for cracks, something to remind them not to get feeling too good and complacent. I know, that's kinda what got me onto TAM in the first place.
For the record, my W would have nothing to fear from me on the ex factor: I am a bridge burner-when an ex and I broke up, I would pull the old disappearing act, and to this day, I have no contact whatsoever with any exes.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Unless there are kids involved I'm not a big fan of staying friends with ex's. But I'm also in a lack luster marriage so my fears would be he'd be more intimate with the ex than with me. I'm so messed up.


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## AngieMarie (Nov 28, 2010)

TAM?:scratchhead:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

TAM means Talk About Marriage. 

The name of this website!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Exes tend to have a way of coming back in dramatic form on this board. Extreme caution advised.


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