# A Fight About Sex



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Hi folks. 

A little background on me for those of you who don't know.

I'm 20 (yes, I'm a toddler), a law student, I have 2 jobs to help with living expenses and I live with my fiancé...he has his own place but he literally never goes there, he moved all of his stuff into my place. He is also 20. In the competition of maturity, if it is such a thing, I'd say I win. Though not by a whole lot. We've been together for approximately 6 years, depending on what age a person has to be before you look at their relationship as legitimate. 

I have a history of CSA and parental neglect, which I can accept clouds my view of sex, though I hope not too much. 

I don't really consider myself to be frigid or anything like that but I could be wrong.

So last week I told him I'd been essentially, only having sex for his sake. I confessed that while some nights it was not a real sacrifice, other nights I would have to give myself a pep talk in the bathroom before going to the bedroom. Well he took it pretty hard but resolved to make it more mutually satisfying. 

Well, just a little while ago we had our first real fight about sex. I guess I'm just looking for some perspective, male and female. 

We're both hurt at this point and I don't want to make things worse. He stormed out...quite literally stormed out with nothing but his car keys. We don't normally fight so I guess I don't know how to handle it. 

So basically, he shows up with this book he got from Borders. It's a sex book with all these positions and stuff.

I'm immediately not super comfortable but I *did* say I wanted to improve our sex life and make it more sustainable....though I didn't quite mean go buy a sex book. I wanted to take it slow, it seems like the sex book is taking it faster. I appreciate he is so eager to address my concerns but....I digress. 

So we sit down to look at it and he has highlighted things he'd like to try. 

I'm not going to lie, some of those things sounded unpleasant. Reverse cowgirl was the first one I noticed. The next one was some bondage (light) stuff. 

Me: I'm not sure about that.

Him: You haven't even tried it, how can you say that already?

Me: That doesn't seem like it would be pleasurable. I don't need to try getting hit over the head with a bat to know I don't like it. 

Him: I thought you wanted to make sex better.

Me: I do want to make sex better but I wasn't talking about positions, per say. 

Him: That's the only way to make sex better.

Me: I don't really think that's true. Look, I don't want to talk about sex right now.

Him: Why not?

Me: I just don't. 

Him: This was your idea. 

Me: I know but part of the issue, if you remember, is that I really need some non-sexual affection. We talked about this. 

Him: I give you non-sexual affection. I hug and kiss you. 

Me: Yeah, right before you try to have sex with me. 

Him: You're just trying to avoid sex! 

Me: I have literally said no to you so few times that we can both count on one hand. 

Him: You never orgasm, though so what's the point? 

Me: You say that like it's my fault. I'm trying to work on it. 

Him: So am I.

Me: Getting tied to the bed is not going to make me orgasm, okay? Trust me. 

Him: How do you know?

Me: Because I know. 

*silence* 


Him: Does this have something to do with that guy? The one you told me about?

Me: No. 

Him: It does, doesn't it? 

Me: I'm not going to go into detail, can you just drop it? 

Him: What other things did you do with with him? 

Me: I didn't ****ing do anything WITH him.

Him: Well clearly you did because you know you don't like it. Unless you're just trying to get out of sex again.

Me: I have NEVER tried to get out of sex! 

Him: You did it with him didn't you? 

Me: Stop saying that like it's my fault! 

Him: Well maybe it is! 

And then he gets up and leaves.

So........I'm at a total loss. WTF. Someone help me make sense of this. 

I've never been so ****ing pissed at him in my life but I know I kind of set myself up for this.

What to do?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sounds like these are all things that would excite him. Have you talked of things that would excite you?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I think you guys should focus on your orgasm together and separately. Also he has to be willing to give you all day lovin. My H pulls the lovey dovey crap 20 min before bed and it still pisses me off after almost 10 years together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Have you always been LD? Or is this just with him?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wait... so he actually DID turn your sexual assault back on you, implying that you WANTED it? That you ENJOYED and were a WILLING participant?!?!?!

LB, let me mull over this for a bit. Right now, I am wishing I could punch your SO in the mouth!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> Hi folks.
> 
> A little background on me for those of you who don't know.
> 
> ...


First, sex books _can_ definitely help to make sex more mutually satisfying. The ones I've read have given tips on how to make oral sex more enjoyable, for the giver and the receiver. I learned _how_ to orgasm from a sex book because I would get all tense and try to "make" it happen, and it would ruin everything.

So his instinct to go buy a book wasn't far off. See this as a good thing.  Because, really, it CAN be. 



> So we sit down to look at it and he has highlighted things he'd like to try.
> 
> I'm not going to lie, some of those things sounded unpleasant. Reverse cowgirl was the first one I noticed. The next one was some bondage (light) stuff.
> 
> ...


He is VERY narrow minded about how to improve sex. Trying new positions is not necessarily going to make it better. New positions aren't going to do a damn thing if the current positions aren't enjoyable for you. 

Before trying new things he needs to learn how to make what he's doing now enjoyable for you. He needs to learn how to give great oral sex. He needs to learn what to do during PIV to make it enjoyable for you, to help you feel involved and not just like a glory hole. 

Bear in mind that you are equally responsible for the enjoyment of sex. You, likewise, need to learn how to enjoy sex. Your fiance could improve his technique to the point of being the best lover on earth and it wouldn't make a difference if you don't do your part. I would recommend looking up some info from a female perspective on what you can do during sex to learn to enjoy it. I was filled with lust and passion when I started having sex, so I don't know how to give advice on that. 

See if the sex book has something.



> Me: I don't really think that's true. Look, I don't want to talk about sex right now.
> 
> Him: Why not?
> 
> Me: I just don't.


You two have communication issues. Major communication issues. You need to learn that sex is an important thing to him, and you _can't_ just push him away and shut the conversation down just because you don't want to talk about sex at that moment. Learn how to explain to him _why_. In his mind he's going to think that you really _don't_ want to improve your sex life, and you only said what you did to get your own way. 

Relationships are going to require having unpleasant conversations when you don't want to. This is the time to grow up and face those things. Cause, I guarantee you, if you postpone these lessons for a later date, you won't ever learn those lessons. Or you will, but it will be too late.



> Him: This was your idea.


Yeah, I thought this was coming. This is the response you will get when you shut him down. 



> Me: I know but part of the issue, if you remember, is that I really need some non-sexual affection. We talked about this.
> 
> Him: I give you non-sexual affection. I hug and kiss you.
> 
> ...


Okay, question: _how_ are you working on it? Tell me what it is you are doing. 



> Him: So am I.


What is _he_ doing to work through getting you to orgasm? What have you discussed and tried so far?



> Me: Getting tied to the bed is not going to make me orgasm, okay? Trust me.
> 
> Him: How do you know?
> 
> Me: Because I know.


Nori, this is the time when you need to explain to him that being tied to the bed is only going to bring up the issues of the sexual abuse. This is also why you need to be absolutely honest with him about what has happened to you. You keep saying that it would be worse if he knew, but Nori, can't you see that he's losing his trust in you? You say, "Because I know"...but that is blatantly obvious that you are keeping things from him. Your sex life will never improve if there isn't total trust between the two of you. 



> *silence*
> 
> Him: Does this have something to do with that guy? The one you told me about?
> 
> ...


Nori!! No! You are pushing him away! You right out LIED to him, and he saw through it! You absolutely have to learn how to be honest with your fiance, no matter how difficult that may be. You will not have a relationship with him later in life if you keep lying. You are doing SO much damage here. SO much damage. 



> Him: What other things did you do with with him?
> 
> Me: I didn't ****ing do anything WITH him.
> 
> Him: Well clearly you did because you know you don't like it. Unless you're just trying to get out of sex again.


Nori, again, can't you see how the dishonesty and lack of total trust is creating scenarios in his mind? He's trying to figure out why you don't enjoy sex, why you're responding so defensively to the light bonding, why you're not orgasming, and since he doesn't know everything that happened between you and the sicko, he's putting things together in his mind and he's coming with things that aren't true. And you giving him answers, but absolutely no explanations, is only validating his assumptions.



> Me: I have NEVER tried to get out of sex!
> 
> Him: You did it with him didn't you?
> 
> ...


You TELL HIM THE TRUTH. There is nothing else for you to do at this point. If you want to save this relationship, you give him the total truth.

Edit to add: your fiance IS immature. The fact that he knows sexual abuse happened at all, he should know better than to suggest something like bondage. So, I'm not trying to blame you entirely. But you being so utterly dishonest with him, dodging his questions which he(as your fiance) as a right to know the answers to, is only adding fuel to the already blazing fire.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, yea. I agree with C2W. You NEED to tell him everything. He needs to know what the guy did to you. Otherwise, yea, you're gonna have more problems down the line....

I still want to punch him though.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

joe kidd said:


> Sounds like these are all things that would excite him. Have you talked of things that would excite you?


We haven't gotten that far yet.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, yea. I agree with C2W. You NEED to tell him everything. He needs to know what the guy did to you. Otherwise, yea, you're gonna have more problems down the line....
> 
> I still want to punch him though.


It really, really hurt my feelings.

That's kind of always been my secret fear....why I was so reluctant to bring it up.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> We haven't gotten that far yet.


YOU are the one who is dissatisfied with sex...why the hell haven't you gotten that far yet? 

Your fiance sounds utterly childish.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> It really, really hurt my feelings.
> 
> That's kind of always been my secret fear....why I was so reluctant to bring it up.


But see, you not bringing it up is WHY what he said hurt your feelings. 

From what I understand about abuse victims learning to trust those they love, they're scared that their SO will blame _them_ for the abuse, so they keep the whole truth hidden. But in keeping it hidden, they cause the blame to happen anyway because the SO doesn't have the answers they NEED to fully understand what they went through. 

That said, your fiance WAS still insensitive and immature and...well, MEAN. But, I understand where he was coming from. And, like you said, you feel like you set yourself up for it to happen and....you did. But you can fix it!

You absolutely can fix it.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: A Fight About Sex*



Created2Write said:


> YOU are the one who is dissatisfied with sex...why the hell haven't you gotten that far yet?
> 
> Your fiance sounds utterly childish.


They both sound childish. But yeah we all had a lot to learn when we were 20.

You have to learn to talk about things together without dragging negative emotions into it. If you're not ready to talk about something, say I'll talk about this with you at xyz time. Otherwise he just thinks something important to him is getting swept under the rug. discuss things from the point of view that you both have needs, you love each other, and you sincerely want to make each other happy by meeting those needs as best you can.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> First, sex books _can_ definitely help to make sex more mutually satisfying. The ones I've read have given tips on how to make oral sex more enjoyable, for the giver and the receiver. I learned _how_ to orgasm from a sex book because I would get all tense and try to "make" it happen, and it would ruin everything.
> 
> So his instinct to go buy a book wasn't far off. See this as a good thing.  Because, really, it CAN be.
> 
> ...


I have intense hesitation to go into it in any detail. I really don't need those images in his head when he sees me naked. I don't want to be handled with kiddie gloves for fear of setting me off.

One of my points of pride is that I have always been able to compartmentalize. The abuse box stays away from the sex box. I don't mind being touched. I'm not terrified of men. And I'm not promiscuous. 

I dodged the three classic repercussions and I'm damn proud of that fact. 

Besides, I don't have intense flashbacks or nightmares or anything. I like to think I got out...reasonably...scott free. 

I know I shouldn't have lied to him but it was my way of shutting down a conversation I have no intention of having.

I don't like it when my peas and my carrots touch.

And as for the orgasms, I try to relax more and be more vocal during sex. And I guess he's trying by buying this book. 

I still need my non-sexual affection. Don't start getting friendly 20 minutes before bedtime.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

LdyVenus said:


> I think you guys should focus on your orgasm together and separately. Also he has to be willing to give you all day lovin. My H pulls the lovey dovey crap 20 min before bed and it still pisses me off after almost 10 years together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know! It's so transparent!


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Drover said:


> Have you always been LD? Or is this just with him?


He's the only one I have to go by.

I don't know if I'm truly LD or if it's just not enjoyable.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: A Fight About Sex*



LittleBird said:


> I have intense hesitation to go into it in any detail. I really don't need those images in his head when he sees me naked. I don't want to be handled with kiddie gloves for fear of setting me off.
> 
> One of my points of pride is that I have always been able to compartmentalize. The abuse box stays away from the sex box. I don't mind being touched. I'm not terrified of men. And I'm not promiscuous.
> 
> ...


You need to explain this to him just like you did here and ask for his understanding.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Drover said:


> They both sound childish. But yeah we all had a lot to learn when we were 20.
> 
> You have to learn to talk about things together without dragging negative emotions into it. If you're not ready to talk about something, say I'll talk about this with you at xyz time. Otherwise he just thinks something important to him is getting swept under the rug. discuss things from the point of view that you both have needs, you love each other, and you sincerely want to make each other happy by meeting those needs as best you can.


I sleep with a teddy bear and a stuffed elmo, which is why I can't even begin to contest the childish part. 

That being said, I still can't seem to sort out how it ended up blowing up like that....


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I have intense hesitation to go into it in any detail. I really don't need those images in his head when he sees me naked. I don't want to be handled with kiddie gloves for fear of setting me off.


Firstly, do you really think so little of the man who declares that he loves you? Do you honestly think this is what he will see, or that this is what any man who is married to a woman who has been abused sees? Secondly, would you rather he feel anger and resentment towards you when he sees you naked? Would you rather he feel angry because he doesn't know what happened and resentment because he thinks your avoiding sex because he doesn't know the truth?



> One of my points of pride is that I have always been able to compartmentalize. The abuse box stays away from the sex box. I don't mind being touched. I'm not terrified of men. And I'm not promiscuous.


But HE doesn't know that. He sees you dodging his questions, getting defensive, he only hears empty answers. From his perspective you're not hiding things from him to protect yourself, but because you're ashamed of something that you did with that guy. That maybe it wasn't abuse after all. 

Do you see how terrible this is? For both of you?



> I dodged the three classic repercussions and I'm damn proud of that fact.


And if you keep it up you might dodge marriage and keeping your fiance altogether. Relationships can not last without honesty. Are you prepared to protect yourself so much that you lose your fiance because you refused to be honest with him? Cause that is absolutely a consequence of dishonesty.



> Besides, I don't have intense flashbacks or nightmares or anything. I like to think I got out...reasonably...scott free.


But you DIDN'T because you can't even be honest about what happened with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are seriously living in a fantasy land, babe. 



> I know I shouldn't have lied to him but it was my way of shutting down a conversation I have no intention of having.


You will lose this relationship if you don't have the conversation. He will never be able to trust you and, frankly, with the way you've acted...he SHOULDN'T.



> I don't like it when my peas and my carrots touch.
> 
> And as for the orgasms, I try to relax more and be more vocal during sex. And I guess he's trying by buying this book.


Not enough. Not nearly enough from either of you. He needs to listen to what you say and apply changes to his technique. And you need to learn to TALK about sex outside of the bedroom, too. 



> I still need my non-sexual affection. Don't start getting friendly 20 minutes before bedtime.


This is absolutely, 100% reasonable. 

BUT, trust goes both ways and it is EARNED. How is he supposed to change himself and how he treats you if you don't change yourself and how you treat him?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> Firstly, do you really think so little of the man who declares that he loves you? Do you honestly think this is what he will see, or that this is what any man who is married to a woman who has been abused sees? Secondly, would you rather he feel anger and resentment towards you when he sees you naked? Would you rather he feel angry because he doesn't know what happened and resentment because he thinks your avoiding sex because he doesn't know the truth?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


To the first point, to be honest, I think that little of everyone. And his reaction tonight? Seriously just kind of reinforced that assumption. He basically threw it back in my face. Might as well have called me a lying whor*e right there.

When I first told him, he didn't have too much of a reaction. I assumed it could be dropped. I told the truth on my history and my feelings regarding sex even though I honestly didn't think it mattered, I told him anyway. 

I don't understand why going through the whole 5.5 year saga is going to improve or change anything. Like, what else does he need to know?! 

I wouldn't even write those things down on paper, let alone say them out loud. What does me not wanting to go into detail have to do with trust? Does every abused woman write a novel for her partner?

What does me not wanting to do reverse cowgirl have to do with that? And as for the bondage, no, I'm not a fan but that could be for any number of reasons. If he had not known about the abuse, he probably would have let it go. 

I just don't understand why he got so mad! I said I didn't want to do it, why on earth can't we just move on to the next one?

He's getting sex, first of all, so it's not like I'm starving him. I get that he wants me to enjoy it....so why get mad when I say NO to things I wouldn't enjoy?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Because you are wrong. Period.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Because you are wrong. Period.


......

What?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> To the first point, to be honest, I think that little of everyone. And his reaction tonight? Seriously just kind of reinforced that assumption. He basically threw it back in my face. Might as well have called me a lying whor*e right there.


Not *****, but liar...yes! Because you HAVE lied. Should he have thrown it back in your face? No. Should he have made the assumption? No. But he was ASKING you to be honest and you CHOSE not to be. You've chosen not to be since the beginning of the relationship. So no, his reaction DOESN'T reinforce your low opinion of him. 

Straight out, being honest: this relationship is doomed to fail unless you can be honest with him. Whether or not you stay together hinges on whether or not you are honest with him. 

And, frankly, if you are honest with him and he continues to behave like the abuse was your fault, then you're better off without him. 



> When I first told him, he didn't have too much of a reaction. I assumed it could be dropped. I told him.
> 
> I don't understand why going through the whole 5.5 year saga is going to improve or change anything.


You don't have to give EVERY detail. But let him know some of the major details. If he asks you, "Does this have to do with that guy?" Be honest and say, "Yes, a little." And if he asks, "What happened?" then answer the question. Tell him why bondage makes you think of the abuse. Answer his questions. Refusing to give this man access to your past is, essentially, telling him that you don't really want an emotional intimate, trusting relationship and you're only with him so that you won't be alone forever. 



> I wouldn't even write those things down on paper, let alone say them out loud.
> 
> What does me not wanting to do reverse cowgirl have to do with that? And as for the bondage, no, I'm not a fan but that could be for any number of reasons.


To you, it has nothing to do with it because you know what happened. But to him, he's likely thinking, "The actions of this other guy are going to forever dictate what she will and will not be open to do in the bedroom." Without the truth, how the hell is he supposed to know why you react the way you do? He can only make assumptions because you refuse to be honest with him. Reverse cowgirl, to you, sounds unappealing for no other reason than that it sounds unappealing. But FOR HIM, your fiance, it sounds unappealing because of the other guy. 

You say, "No, it isn't because of him" and the only other logical explanation he can think of is that you're avoiding sex. And he thinks THAT because, again, you were refusing to talk about sex with him. You BOTH are selfish, self-centered and immature and you BOTH need to learn how to communicate. And, unfortunately, since you're the one here asking for advice, it starts with YOU. 



> I just don't understand why he got so mad! I said I didn't want to do it, why on earth can't we just move on to the next one?


Because he wants to know WHY, and he has a right to know WHY. This isn't just about you, this is about your fiance too. And I would bet money that he can tell you're being dishonest with him. THAT is why he was so mad. I bet the cowgirl position wasn't really what set him off, it was the WHY. Sure, you said it sounded painful. Understandable. But to him, it's more than that. Because, frankly, it IS. Maybe not that position specifically, maybe not the bonding specifically, but your lack of enjoyment of sex is DEFINITELY about more than just that.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Sex is a big part of how men connect and maintain that connection with the woman they love. When you start pulling away sexually it causes him anxiety. Young as he is, he probably doesn't even realize why he's feeling anxiety and it scares him and his reaction is anger, aggression, etc. He wants to be closer to you and he hates that you're shutting him out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Buying a book and sharing it with really doesn't seem like it would be considered "taking it faster". Talking about sex positions shouldn't be uncomfortable for either of you, especially "normal" things like reverse cowgirl. It's not like he pulled out a copy of the Kama Sutra and told you he wanted to do these 10 things with you and your best friend.

But yes, the bondage was maybe a step beyond what might be comfortable for you, especially since you seem to be fairly inhibited to begin with. And his way of handling his frustrations seems immature as well.

So you've both acted immaturely and hurt each other. Now what are you going to do about it?

C


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> Not *****, but liar...yes! Because you HAVE lied. Should he have thrown it back in your face? No. Should he have made the assumption? No. But he was ASKING you to be honest and you CHOSE not to be. You've chosen not to be since the beginning of the relationship. So no, his reaction DOESN'T reinforce your low opinion of him.
> 
> Straight out, being honest: this relationship is doomed to fail unless you can be honest with him. Whether or not you stay together hinges on whether or not you are honest with him.
> 
> ...


I honest to God cannot distinguish WHY I haven't been enjoying it. Like, I am unsure if it is because he has no idea what he's doing or if I have a mental block up.

I've never had sex with anyone but him so IMO I have no way of knowing that. 

So from that standpoint, it is hard for me to know what direction I should be going in. 

I shouldn't have lied. But I don't like to talk about it. I don't understand why he cares so much. It happened. It's over. Can we please bury it under the back porch? 

I never viewed withholding abuse information as a lie. I view lying about having sex with xyz a lie but the abuse never even crossed my mind to tell him until a little while ago.

Apparently, it is dishonest to conceal that. Which I can kind of get. But if it really wasn't my fault then why does it matter? 

I hate making a big deal out of it....it makes it feel like it meant something. Which it ****ing didn't. 

I know we have to be honest with each other but I just don't know what to tell him....

I told him I wasn't enjoying it....I wanted it to be better....

So that was my way of trying to open up.

I don't want to lose him, I mean I will do anything not to lose him....but he seems to think I'm doing this on purpose.

He really wants more information. He has been pressing for it sine I told him. But WHY?! That's what I don't get....


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> My thoughts... Buying a book and sharing it with really doesn't seem like it would be considered "taking it faster". Talking about sex positions shouldn't be uncomfortable for either of you, especially "normal" things like reverse cowgirl. It's not like he pulled out a copy of the Kama Sutra and told you he wanted to do these 10 things with you and your best friend.
> 
> But yes, the bondage was maybe a step beyond what might be comfortable for you, especially since you seem to be fairly inhibited to begin with. And his way of handling his frustrations seems immature as well.
> 
> ...


I think it is largely my fault in that I am not sure if my problems enjoying sex are mental or physical. 

The book just...caught me off guard. I was not in the mood to discuss sex. I feel like all we ever talk about is a)sex and b) him pestering me for details of the abuse. He will not let it go that I won't tell him who. 

I'm just wondering, as a man, would it bother you it your wife would not tell you?

And I'm going to apologize. 

And if he still wants to do the position, I'll do it...

I don't consider myself to be inhibited or frigid, I would be willing to get creative if it were something that didn't sound....awful.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> First of all, I'm really sorry about your abuse and your SO was a total dillhole for trying to throw it back on you. I don't want to be hars or untoward towards your experience, and in trying to help you, I'm also trying to process my own experience with anorgasmia. I don't mean to offend and I don't know you so feel free to tell me I'm absolutely wrong.
> 
> I know you have moved forward and you have put what has happened to you in a box which you do not really want to open. You may have escaped the more destructive elements of sexual abuse, but something that is so clear to me is that it has destroyed a good chunk, if not all of your vulnerability.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your sympathies, I appreciate it. 

You hit a huge point with that vulnerability thing. I wouldn't consider myself to be guarded in other areas but I think I am guarded when it comes to sex.

It's not like I don't *feel* lust. I mean, I do. I'm horny all the time and my fiancé is sexy a ****, I'm always kissing him, touching him, playing with his man parts...

And I'm fine right up until it comes time to put it in. Literally, I can be a tiger and when it gets time for that I become....more subdued. 

And I've been on top before. Was in total control.

Didn't make a difference, was actually worse cause I have NO rhythm. 

I try to focus on the sex. I try to think about how sexy he is and he is....

But....nothing.

I mean, sometimes I do enjoy it, it's not orgasmic but that's not the most important thing to me. When we're done, it's nice...and we cuddle.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> You aren't acting inhibited or frigid you are acting like a sex robot. You are your own person and you have every right to feel good just for yourself. You also have the right to tell your partner that exactly what you want to do.


I have turned him down for sex maybe....twice. If that because I ended up giving in. 

I don't understand why on earth he thinks I'm avoiding sex. 

We're HAVING sex.

That is the part that escapes me.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: A Fight About Sex*



LittleBird said:


> I have turned him down for sex maybe....twice. If that because I ended up giving in.
> 
> I don't understand why on earth he thinks I'm avoiding sex.
> 
> ...


It's not just about having sex. It's about connecting thru sex for him. He's not getting that connection he wants.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LittleBird said:


> I think it is largely my fault in that I am not sure if my problems enjoying sex are mental or physical.
> 
> The book just...caught me off guard. I was not in the mood to discuss sex. I feel like all we ever talk about is a)sex and b) him pestering me for details of the abuse. He will not let it go that I won't tell him who.
> 
> ...


It would bother me if I felt it was preventing us from having what I considered a "healthy" sexual relationship, and I thought she was just trying to stuff the problem into a deep dark corner of her mind and forget about it. The fact that you don't have orgasms with him (do you have them by yourself?) would be a sign that something isn't healthy. Having to psych yourself up in the bathroom is another sign. Btw, how often did you two have sex?

It's been asked a number of times in this thread. What are you doing to deal with what happened to you? I'm not an expert by any means, but it seems that compartmentalizing is just asking for trouble in the future. It's not a solution. Have you considered seeing a sex therapist?

C


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> It would bother me if I felt it was preventing us from having what I considered a "healthy" sexual relationship, and I thought she was just trying to stuff the problem into a deep dark corner of her mind and forget about it. The fact that you don't have orgasms with him (do you have them by yourself?) would be a sign that something isn't healthy. Having to psych yourself up in the bathroom is another sign. Btw, how often did you two have sex?
> 
> It's been asked a number of times in this thread. What are you doing to deal with what happened to you? I'm not an expert by any means, but it seems that compartmentalizing is just asking for trouble in the future. It's not a solution. Have you considered seeing a sex therapist?
> 
> C


To answer your questions, we were having sex every day MINIMUM, sometimes multiple times. I was always receptive to his advances, I never said no, we did it where, how and when he wanted. 

I finally cracked and told him I wasn't physically enjoying it but that I did enjoy it emotionally. He immediately questioned me and I assured him it had nothing to do with my feelings, it was just my body. 

And yes, I do have them by myself. Pretty strong ones, I tend to ugh...free the beast a few times a day. 

A sex therapist? At our age? God we fail so hard.

I'm in therapy and to be honest, I *have* dealt with the majority of the issues, if I ever had them in the first place. I never had the textbook symptoms.

Also, he seems more obsessed with WHO it was and got very upset when I said I didn't want to tell him.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Drover said:


> It's not just about having sex. It's about connecting thru sex for him. He's not getting that connection he wants.


I feel intimacy, I just don't orgasm. It seems like that is the part he's really upset about


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I honest to God cannot distinguish WHY I haven't been enjoying it. Like, I am unsure if it is because he has no idea what he's doing or if I have a mental block up.


Tell him this. Tell him that you honestly don't know why but that you're trying to figure it out. 



> I've never had sex with anyone but him so IMO I have no way of knowing that.
> 
> So from that standpoint, it is hard for me to know what direction I should be going in.


It's damn confusing, yeah. But it would be even less confusing for HIM if he knew what happened between you and the other guy, or at least a few details. Because to your fiance, it's probably inconceivable for you to not know why you don't enjoy it. He will never be able to understand where you are coming from, or even trust that what you're saying is true, unless you're honest with him.



> I shouldn't have lied. But I don't like to talk about it. I don't understand why he cares so much. It happened. It's over. Can we please bury it under the back porch?


No, you can't. Because it is effecting your current relationship. And he cares because he ****ing LOVES YOU! If he is trying to understand your lack of enjoyment of sex even a little bit, he will care about the abuse. And until you are honest with him about what happened, it will continue to cause issues. The only way to get rid of the abuse discussion is to HAVE IT. THEN you will be the same page for the first time in six years, and ONLY THEN will you be able to move forward with each other. 



> I never viewed withholding abuse information as a lie. I view lying about having sex with xyz a lie but the abuse never even crossed my mind to tell him until a little while ago.
> 
> Apparently, it is dishonest to conceal that. Which I can kind of get. But if it really wasn't my fault then why does it matter?


It wasn't your fault, no. But it matters because, like it or not, abuse messes with peoples heads. And babe, it has messed with yours. To the point that you shut down and push the man you love away from you. THAT is why it matters. It hasn't been dealt with in your relationship yet. 

Why was concealing the truth dishonest? Let me explain it this way: My husband was never abused, but he had other partners besides me. Do you think I would trust him very much if, after six years of being together, he suddenly told me he had two more partners than me? Even if he said he had "fooled around a little", he would have been telling me the whole truth. "Fooled around" could mean that he made out with a few girls, was naked with a few girls, had oral sex with a few girls, or it could mean that he out and out had intercourse with a few girls. But to say he "fooled around" wouldn't be giving me enough to know exactly what happened.

To find out six years later that he had two other sexual partners could absolutely destroy what I was lead to believe about him. Even though what he said was technically true, it wasn't specifically true, and as his potential future wife, I had a right to know if he had had sex with anyone else before me. 

Just like you saying you were sexually abused was technically true, it wasn't specifically true, leading your fiance to fill in the gaps by himself. So now, his whole idea of what the abuse was is falling apart. 



> I hate making a big deal out of it....it makes it feel like it meant something. Which it ****ing didn't.


No, it didn't. But the only way your fiance can ever know that for sure, and trust you when you say it, is to be HONEST with him. By not talking about it, by keeping the details from him, you're confirming to him that it DID mean something. Because if it didn't mean anything, why would you want to hide the specifics?



> I know we have to be honest with each other but I just don't know what to tell him....


Sit him down and ask him what HE wants to know about the abuse. If he says, "Everything" ask him to narrow it down to a few specifics, and then answer those questions. Let him know that the conversation may need to be broken down over a few days, as it will be unpleasant for you to talk about, but make sure he knows you want to be honest and that you're willing to be honest. Explain why you've kept the details from him.



> I told him I wasn't enjoying it....I wanted it to be better....
> 
> So that was my way of trying to open up.


He needs to realize that this is a PROCESS for you. It won't be fixed by adding new positions, and it won't be fixed overnight. He needs to accept that it will take time, and he needs to be patient with you and you need to be patient with him. You're both in a vulnerable place.



> I don't want to lose him, I mean I will do anything not to lose him....but he seems to think I'm doing this on purpose.


Tell him you're not, and for the love of God, don't be defensive about it. Being defensive will only make him defensive and you'll have another fight. Understand that you both are seeing things through tainted lenses, and neither of you is seeing what the other is REALLY thinking or feeling.



> He really wants more information. He has been pressing for it sine I told him. But WHY?! That's what I don't get....


Because he CARES. He loves you. And you have made it obvious you don't want to talk about it. The issue is mysterious now, and he is probably feeling insecure about your relationship; that maybe you're hiding the details because it wasn't abuse and you enjoyed sex with the other guy and that's why you're not enjoying it with _him_. Looking from the outside into what you said, that's what I see, anyway. Being honest will clear this up for him and reinforce his trust of you.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Yes. Immersion is huge. Lose yourself in it.


----------



## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

I didn't want to post because Created2Write pretty much said it all and explained it amazingly. Plus whenever I am about to reply she has already replied with something that blows my mind. I just want to repost her every post with an added :iagree: at the bottom. But I am going to post anyway because I can somewhat relate to you LittleBird. I'm only a couple years older than you and I am also engaged (congratulations on your engagement by the way). Oh, and my fiance is also my first. 




LittleBird said:


> To the first point, to be honest, I think that little of everyone.


Wow... then why are you marrying this man if he's just another person you think so little of, just like the rest? (I'm not really questioning, I know you love him, but just think about how you come off when you say things like that to us or, more importantly, to him. It's your attitude, not a good attitude for marriage.)



LittleBird said:


> I honest to God cannot distinguish WHY I haven't been enjoying it. Like, I am unsure if it is because he has no idea what he's doing or if *I have a mental block up.*


From everything you have said, I think it's a mental block up. You have a HUGE block on the sexual abuse stuff, of course that's bound to block other things as well.



LittleBird said:


> But if it really wasn't my fault then why does it matter?


Because *every experience we have has an impact on us*. Whether it's small or big, negative or positive, etc. And sexual abuse - for 5 years - OF COURSE IT MATTERS.



LittleBird said:


> I know we have to be honest with each other but I just don't know what to tell him....
> 
> I told him I wasn't enjoying it....I wanted it to be better....
> 
> So that was my way of trying to open up.


But he's not a mind reader. You told him you didn't like it and he actually responded well by buying a sex book. I agree with Created2Write's reply that you went about it pretty cold and rudely in the way in which you rejected his ideas.



LittleBird said:


> I just don't understand why he got so mad! I said I didn't want to do it, why on earth can't we just move on to the next one?


Why couldn't *you* just take the book out of his hands and looked through it to find something you WERE interested in? Instead you focused on the rejecting him part. He can't put himself in your position because he doesn't know the extent of your sexual abuse (and neither one of you 'know' why you don't like intercourse) but YOU can put yourself in his position.
You told him there was something you weren't satisfied with in regards to your sex life. Getting a book was his way of trying to do something about it. You immediately rejected his suggestions and never offered any of your own. Of course he will feel rejected and unappreciated for trying. Anyone would.



LittleBird said:


> He really wants more information. He has been pressing for it sine I told him. But WHY?! That's what I don't get....


Because he is trying to understand you. The way you think. Why you think that way. Etc. He probably didn't ask you more before because he thought you'd talk about it when you were ready. But given that this is obviously affecting your relationship, whether you want to admit it or not, he's pressing to know sooner. But really, the answer to why is *because he cares about you*.



LittleBird said:


> He basically threw it back in my face. Might as well have called me a lying whor*e right there.


But he didn't call you that because he doesn't believe that. He wouldn't be with you if he was. He's just confused (and it's very reasonable, you have given him mixed signals, men don't take hints well, they're not mind readers).
Of course, I do agree it was insensitive of him to go there and immature. But it is understandable.



LittleBird said:


> I wouldn't even write those things down on paper, let alone say them out loud. What does me not wanting to go into detail have to do with trust? Does every abused woman write a novel for her partner?


A novel? No.
But you have to let it out. Clearly you haven't. *How can you truly let it go if you can't let it out?*
I myself also had an experience... I'm not even sure what to call it... It's very complicated. I think it affected me more emotionally than sexually. But then again... perhaps it did affect me sexually, I can't be 100% sure. Sometimes it's hard to tell. :/
I had never told anyone this. The only ones who knew were the man who did it to me, my parents, and God. There were a few times I contemplated telling a few people I loved but I was afraid they'd somehow think it was my fault. To be honest, because I somehow think it's my fault (I KNOW it wasn't but I just can't shake off the guilt). I've only told my fiance and right before I did I told him I may never want to talk about it again so to please not ask or talk about it in the future. Then I told him the whole story and how I'm aware it impacted me. I'm happy I told him. Our relationship, which was already great, got even better. We tell each other everything. We've never talked about THAT again... we haven't had to. There's no really no need. 
Telling him is part of being transparent. I understand it's hard for you to talk about it and I'm sure if you show him willingness to open up with him and tell him some of the major stuff he will understand too. You have to meet him half way.



LittleBird said:


> I don't want to lose him, I mean I will do anything not to lose him....but he seems to think I'm doing this on purpose.


LittleBird, I am very sorry that you had to go through the sexual abuse. I am sorry that it doesn't end when it's supposed to (when the sexual abuse stops). We don't want something that awful to be part of us but sadly, it is. But it doesn't have to make us who we are.
It wasn't your fault and I know you love your fiance which is why I am very saddened that some scum's actions are now jeopardizing your relationship. You are an amazing person (I'm not just saying that to sound corny but COME ON, you learned from your parents' mistakes, you are a law student, you are a part time model, you are independent, you did not become afraid of men or sex and you did not become promiscuous despite the abuse). I know you're going about it the best you can to make sure the abuse has a minimum impact on your life. And I do think you've done a lot of things right. But you have to really take control and let it go. I hope you do because *you deserve happiness and a happy, successful marriage (with lots of amazing sex, not just good foreplay)*.

I'm going to keep following your thread. I hope this gets resolved. If you need anything feel free to shoot me a PM. Good luck LittleBird.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> DING! This sentence is huge to me, so big I'm washing my hands and sitting down to type this out.
> 
> I guarantee your boyfriend the minute he puts his penis inside of you, he isn't thinking in abstract concepts of how sexy you are. He is thinking *how good this feels.* Because for him and most young men, genital contact is the epitome of straight up good. Putting his penis inside of you literally obliterates thoughts of how sexy you are as a concept. You simply make him feel good.
> 
> ...


Well...also....I kind of don't want to er...in front of him...



I will do ungodly things to him and his penis. I have no inhibitions. I've given him blow jobs in public places. Not an issue.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LittleBird said:


> To answer your questions, we were having sex every day MINIMUM, sometimes multiple times. I was always receptive to his advances, I never said no, we did it where, how and when he wanted.
> 
> I finally cracked and told him I wasn't physically enjoying it but that I did enjoy it emotionally. He immediately questioned me and I assured him it had nothing to do with my feelings, it was just my body.
> 
> ...


I sure can't fault you for trying! 

But for many guys, their partners pleasure is an important part if THEIR pleasure. If I found out that my GF wasn't having orgasms for the last two years, I'd be incredibly hurt that she hid it from me, I'd be crushed that I wasn't doing it for her, and sex would lose almost all it's fun. Might as well watch porn on the Internet and take care of myself.

I'm guessing he wants to know details because he wants to understand and help you. Here's a little secret that I learned in my mid-thirties from a good older female friend of mine. Guys don't deal well with problems (either their own or those of someone important to them) that they feel powerless to fix. It eats at them, erodes their self-confidence, and frustrates the hell out of them. What my friend taught me is that often, though, the most important thing a man can do is listen and understand his life partner's problems. Your fiancée hasn't learned that lesson yet.

Anyway, I can't even begin to pretend to understand what you've gone through. I'm just trying to help you understand what might be going through his mind.

I'm curious about a couple of things... What does your therapist say about your inability to orgasm with your partner? How were things (sexually) with your fiancée BEFORE he found out you weren't orgasming with him? Have you considered stopping "self service" for a period of time to try to help you orgasm with him? How about doing the same things you do when you're by yourself when he's inside you? My GF can't orgasm vaginally. She's done it maybe three times with me in two years of frequent sex. So we just use a bullet vibrator and everyone's happy. . But she always orgasms from oral, and I'm very happy to do that for her. 

C


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> I sure can't fault you for trying!
> 
> But for many guys, their partners pleasure is an important part if THEIR pleasure. If I found out that my GF wasn't having orgasms for the last two years, I'd be incredibly hurt that she hid it from me, I'd be crushed that I wasn't doing it for her, and sex would lose almost all it's fun. Might as well watch porn on the Internet and take care of myself.
> 
> ...


I feel so much pressure to orgasm because I know he wants me to.

I try to make myself do it but IMO, it doesn't work out ....

Before he knew I wasn't enjoying it physically, he was very happy. He was always pawing at me and bragging that he was "banging a model" (not very eloquent but what do you want? ) 

After I told him, we continued with the sex but I could tell he was watching me like a bloody ****ing hawk to see my reactions.

It just freaked me out even more.

I have not discussed my sex life with my therapist, she has given me a pas on the abuse issues. So either I am really over it or I'm so deluded I've managed to fool a trained professional. 

She likes to focus more on my unstable personality and my constant need for stuffed animals and Spongebob.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Loyal Lover said:


> I didn't want to post because Created2Write pretty much said it all and explained it amazingly. Plus whenever I am about to reply she has already replied with something that blows my mind. I just want to repost her every post with an added :iagree: at the bottom. But I am going to post anyway because I can somewhat relate to you LittleBird. I'm only a couple years older than you and I am also engaged (congratulations on your engagement by the way). Oh, and my fiance is also my first.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you Mama Bear. 

To answer your questions: I cannot understand the obsession with "who done it." 

He literally has tried to play 20 questions about it. Him? Him? Him?

I don't want to ****ing tell him. Because we KNOW him. Could you imagine how awkward that would be at parties back home? IMO....

I am really attempting to act for his own good....even if it sounds selfish on my part....

Almost everything I've done has been an attempt to get that **** OUT of my relationship. 

You're right, I should not have shot him down for buying that sex book. But both of those things sounded awful and I immediately just felt more pressure. I don't WANT to try out an entire book worth of positions just to get an orgasm. An orgasm is not the end all be all of sex for me.

I feel like his male ego will not be restored until I have an orgasm. So he's watching and waiting. And it's not....helping.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

curious2 said:


> Are you really able to compartmentalize? Your not promiscuous or afraid of men but are you afraid of true intimacy and your own sensuality because of your past? Is it really what your boyfriend is or is not doing in the bedroom or even outside of it thats really getting in the way of your ability to enjoy it?


I don't know. I have no way of knowing that for certain.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No one is entitled to know what happened unless until LittleBird feels safe telling. PERIOD! If he doesn't know there was a trauma, that much he should know otherwise he will not be equipped to respond correctly. 

I have typed and erased responses and questions and I realize other than offering you some hope, what you're dealing with... LittleBird, my heart goes out to you. I so wish I could sit you down at my kitchen table and make you some hot cocoa, rub your back and make it all better. You are trying so hard to be the kind of woman you want to be, damn you are brave!

It can be done. You can get there. And when you do? Look out SO cause there's a whole lot of catching up to do!!!

I don't want to write more because I don't know how fragile a state you're in right now. I have to say, telling your SO about not enjoying sex was damn brave. Damn Brave! That was the first step! You may think it didn't go well, and it certainly could have gone better but the guy brought home a book trying to make it better. So in his ineffectual way, he's trying. he is acting the way my H acted. Hated it and it made me shut down even more.

There is a book I found helpful. Let me know if you'd like more info.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No one is entitled to know what happened unless until LittleBird feels safe telling. PERIOD! If he doesn't know there was a trauma, that much he should know otherwise he will not be equipped to respond correctly.
> 
> I have typed and erased responses and questions and I realize other than offering you some hope, what you're dealing with... LittleBird, my heart goes out to you. I so wish I could sit you down at my kitchen table and make you some hot cocoa, rub your back and make it all better. You are trying so hard to be the kind of woman you want to be, damn you are brave!
> 
> ...


Ah...look at you making me tear up. My own mother was a nightmare, I'm really not used to people being nice to me.

You can be as horrible as you like and I won't bat an eye but the second someone is nice to me, I'm tearing up. I don't understand it myself. 

I would love to know more.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I agree she doesn't have to tell him anything she doesn't want to. But she should absolutely explain as best she can why.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LittleBird said:


> I feel so much pressure to orgasm because I know he wants me to.
> 
> I try to make myself do it but IMO, it doesn't work out ....
> 
> ...


No offense intended, but the fact that you can't (or won't) talk to your therapist about this issue just emphasizes to me that your way of dealing with things is to stuff them somewhere you don't have to deal with them, and then let them fester. That's NOT dealing with things, that's hiding from them.

Your sex life with your partner (or any other partner, for that matter) is not going to get better until you start actually dealing with things. You might be able to appear all healed on the outside, but I suspect this part of you will remain broken. And it will impact any intimate relationship.

I'm not a therapist, as I said. But I'd sure recommend you start talking to your therapist about this part of your life. Why can you share with anonymous people on the Internet but not your therapist?

C


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

curious2

For many women survivors, vulnerability, as French Fry mentioned, is a state synonymous with feeling very Unsafe. Arousal needs to build before climax can happen. But the survivor shuts down the arousal because it is too similar to vulnerability which is... Unsafe. It's not so much a partners technique but has more to do with the survivor being in a vulnerable state and still feeling safe. That takes conscious practice.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> No offense intended, but the fact that you can't (or won't) talk to your therapist about this issue just emphasizes to me that your way of dealing with things is to stuff them somewhere you don't have to deal with them, and then let them fester. That's NOT dealing with things, that's hiding from them.
> 
> Your sex life with your partner (or any other partner, for that matter) is not going to get better until you start actually dealing with things. You might be able to appear all healed on the outside, but I suspect this part of you will remain broken. And it will impact any intimate relationship.
> 
> ...


I didn't see it as a mental issue. I thought my vagina was broken.

I don't see how I could enjoy everything else and then not the sex. Mentally, that doesn't make sense. I figured it was my anatomy.

Thus why I didn't bring it up in therapy.

I am honest with her. I just....I don't know. She likes to tell me I'm too smart for my own good. The intellect of a scholar and the emotional maturity of a five year old child is not an easy thing to deal with.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LittleBird said:


> I didn't see it as a mental issue. I thought my vagina was broken.
> 
> I don't see how I could enjoy everything else and then not the sex. Mentally, that doesn't make sense. I figured it was my anatomy.
> 
> ...


My thinking, if you can rub one out when your fiancée isn't around but can't with him, it's not physical. It's mental. My "man bits" work great, but if someone put a gun to my head and tell me I had to orgasm in front of my parents, I suspect I'd have a lot of problems completing. That's all mental.

C


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> I still am extremely uncomfortable masturbating in front of my husband too.  For me it's two things: 1)I'm totally vulnerable 2) the focus is solely on me.
> 
> I'm not saying you are a prude or sexually unadventurous or that you don't have enough sex with your boyfriend. I don't think you have any inhibitions *as long as the focus is on him.* How sexy you look to *him*. How sexy *he* is. If you hadn't told him that you weren't actually having a good time, you put on such a good show for him that he would have had zero idea.
> 
> ...




Nani? I'm supposed to do.....I think I just fainted for a half second. 

But....that sounds so selfish....besides, my fiancé normally can't wait more than five minutes to get himself in me. I don't know if he is even capable of such self control. 

Or if I've even capable of....lights on? Okay, I just fainted again.

I guess, to simplify it....I'm very good at being an object. Even if it is an enthusiastic object. Even if I'm enjoying it. But sex acts that involve only ME make me uncomfortable.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

FrenchFry said:


> I still am extremely uncomfortable masturbating in front of my husband too.  For me it's two things: 1)I'm totally vulnerable 2) the focus is solely on me.
> 
> I'm not saying you are a prude or sexually unadventurous or that you don't have enough sex with your boyfriend. I don't think you have any inhibitions *as long as the focus is on him.* How sexy you look to *him*. How sexy *he* is. If you hadn't told him that you weren't actually having a good time, you put on such a good show for him that he would have had zero idea.
> 
> ...


And I think this is a great idea, although I don't know why he can't get his as well. But ideas like this are why I suggested a sex therapist. Going to see one doesn't mean you've "failed" (as you commented earlier) any more than seeing a regular therapist means you failed in any other way. It means you're mature enough to recognize you're in a situation that you don't know how to handle, and you could use some help.

C


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> I'm not a therapist, as I said. But I'd sure recommend you start talking to your therapist about this part of your life. Why can you share with anonymous people on the Internet but not your therapist?
> 
> C


Because she can't see us, so she is safe from us, from our reactions, from possible future events, safe from being reminded, safe from owing anybody anything. It's also common to not be able to even tell a therapist that you like and trust. The therapist will always know, once told, and now everything will be different and different isn't always good.

LittleBird, my mother was horrible! Just ...so wrong. And I used to be the same way with kindness, except Iwould never cry. Only rage could produce tears. 

The book is The Courage to Heal. There is a companion workbook but I never even felt safe enough to write in it. I did go through it and did every exercise. I just didn't write stuff down.

Here's what kept me going. I wanted it! I wanted no part of not being whole. I wanted to be normal, functional. I just wanted to be like everybody else. Once I spoke those words aloud, to my H, everything kind of fell into place and it worked.

Sending you strength and courage!:smthumbup:


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Because she can't see us, so she is safe from us, from our reactions, from possible future events, safe from being reminded, safe from owing anybody anything. It's also common to not be able to even tell a therapist that you like and trust. The therapist will always know, once told, and now everything will be different and different isn't always good.
> 
> LittleBird, my mother was horrible! Just ...so wrong. And I used to be the same way with kindness, except Iwould never cry. Only rage could produce tears.
> 
> ...


I thought not telling him would make me just like everybody else.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

LittleBird said:


> Nani? I'm supposed to do.....I think I just fainted for a half second.
> 
> But....that sounds so selfish....besides, my fiancé normally can't wait more than five minutes to get himself in me. I don't know if he is even capable of such self control.
> 
> ...


I really don't believe any of this is your fault. You don't have to share anything with anyone if you don't want to. If you don't want to tell the bf the details of the abuse, you don't have to.

I don't think he is mature enough to handle it.

As for the sex, gee whiz your bf is a clueless clod. 

I can imagine his idea of good sex is rubbing his wee on you a couple times, grabbing your breasts and then wanting to hop on and get his.

He is very likely at the age of 20 very influenced by porn. He probably thinks all you require is some wild positions and jack rabbit pounding.

He is a child and terrible in bed from what you have described.

The reason you aren't enjoying it is because he is lousy in bed.

He is putting immense pressure on you to perform several times a day and then his obsession with you to orgasm after you told him you weren't.

I would like to hear more about other parts of the relationship. He said he practically stays with you. Does he buy food or help out with the bills at all? Does he work or go to school? I highly suspect someone this selfish in bed is going to be selfish in other ways.

Are you really sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you have been dating since you were just a child? Why do you want to marry him?

You are going to change so much in the next few years, I wouldn't be surprised if you out grow him.

It sounds like you have problems of your own to work on without all this pressure from his immaturity. I would just keep going to counseling for you and discuss you and nothing to do with how to please the boyfriend. You need to learn how to value yourself and please you first!!! You are worth it.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Tigger said:


> I really don't believe any of this is your fault. You don't have to share anything with anyone if you don't want to. If you don't want to tell the bf the details of the abuse, you don't have to.
> 
> I don't think he is mature enough to handle it.
> 
> ...


He is very loving. 

Clueless, impractical and immature but very loving.

He is the only person who I can honestly say has ever loved me or care about me in any way.

I feel an immense loyalty and attachment to him.

I could never leave him. Never. 

He isn't a bad lover.....just hasty. He always wants to get the main event. But he does know how to arouse me and turn me on. 

No, he does not work, pay bills, cook or clean.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> I thought not telling him would make me just like everybody else.


And how's that working out for you?

See Allies in Healing.


----------



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

LittleBird said:


> He is very loving.
> 
> Clueless, impractical and immature but very loving.
> 
> ...


I am interested in hearing how he is loving to you. In the past week what has he done that is loving?

What does he do if he is 20 and not working? Why doesn't he cook or clean and help out around your place if he is staying there?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Tigger said:


> I am interested in hearing how he is loving to you. In the past week what has he done that is loving?
> 
> What does he do if he is 20 and not working? Why doesn't he cook or clean and help out around your place if he is staying there?


Well, he is a law student like me.

He doesn't need to work, his parents give him a massive allowance.

I do all the work because I am good at it. I'm meticulous and I want it done right. And he never volunteers and I don't nag.

He buys me lots of gifts, writes me poems...etc.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

LittleBird said:


> Well, he is a law student like me.
> 
> He doesn't need to work, his parents give him a massive allowance.
> 
> ...


Work isn't just for money you know. It builds character and a work ethic. 

Is that what you like being bought gifts? Does that mean love to you?

What do you talk about? How do you solve problems?

Do you have a wedding date?

The reason I am asking so many questions is to really make you think about everything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> To the first point, to be honest, I think that little of everyone. And his reaction tonight? Seriously just kind of reinforced that assumption. He basically threw it back in my face. Might as well have called me a lying whor*e right there.
> 
> When I first told him, he didn't have too much of a reaction. I assumed it could be dropped. I told the truth on my history and my feelings regarding sex even though I honestly didn't think it mattered, I told him anyway.
> 
> ...


I disagree with what you are being told. There is no reason that you have to give him details of the abuse. You have told him that it happened.

From time to time something might come up. For example the bondage thing. It would be reasonable for you to tell him that it would scare you because it would bring back feelings of not being in control of yourself.

I would never allow anyone to tie me up, not even losely. I had a bad experience in which someone tried to kill me. And the very tought of being tied up brings that back into my mind and scares me. I also do not allow anyone to put their hands on my neck either for the same reason.

YOu have the right to say that you do not want to do something because it scares you due to things in the past. And he has to learn to accept that if he is going to stay with you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, I'm not saying you need to tell him anything in particular. I'm trying to tell you what might be going through his mind, and that perhaps you haven't dealt with it as well as you might think. 

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> Nani? I'm supposed to do.....I think I just fainted for a half second.
> 
> But....that sounds so selfish....besides, my fiancé normally can't wait more than five minutes to get himself in me. I don't know if he is even capable of such self control.
> 
> ...


He cannot wait 5 minutes? So how much foreplay do you two have?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleBird, 

I think it was actually sweet that he bought the book. Unfortunately, like most people do he saw the fix to this problem defined in his own way of seening things... sex in this case. Somehow you will need to find a way to let him know that it was not the book that upset you. It what that you became frustrated because somehow he had not understood your point. But he cannot understand your point since you have not explained it well enough.

And maybe you can match his book with one of your own... 

Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm

This is a book that I think will help both of you. 

If he can hardly wait 5 minutes for the main event, he needs to learn to slow down and and enjoy making love. This means foreplay and paying a lot of attention to you.

And you need to learn to relax and let yourself go so that you can enjoy orgasms with him.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Do not tell him anything if you were assulted by somebody if you are not comfertable with it and ready to deal with it. I would tell him nothing about your sexual past anyway

You do undertsand he is a 20 year old male[I am a man] so he is walking around with a continual hard-on and you tell him you are only having sex because of him and you are not really into it,nobody want to hear that and really somebody who is 20.

I could be different the one of the best thing about having sex at that age was the exploring and trying different things ,there might be Os and there might not but it was just a good time.You have been together six years and you are 20 so if you can't trust him who can you trust.

I also think he needs to do his share of the house work[YOU WAY IS NOT ALWAYS THE RIGHT WAY]you must let him do some since he is choosing to live there and you need to look into counseling to work on getting your sex levels closer because if you choose to get married it will be very hard to be happy and he might also be on here talking about how his wife hates sex.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are not attracted to him because you gave him something he needed to earn. That includes sex, cohabitation and promise of marriage.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Hi folks.
> 
> A little background on me for those of you who don't know.
> 
> I'm 20 (yes, I'm a toddler), a law student, I have 2 jobs to help with living expenses and I live with my fiancé...he has his own place but he literally never goes there, he moved all of his stuff into my place. He is also 20. In the competition of maturity, if it is such a thing, I'd say I win. *Though not by a whole lot*. We've been together for approximately 6 years, depending on what age a person has to be before you look at their relationship as legitimate.


I don't know about that. I'd give yourself a little more credit. He seems very immature.



LittleBird said:


> I have a history of CSA and parental neglect, which I can accept clouds my view of sex, though I hope not too much.
> 
> I don't really consider myself to be frigid or anything like that but I could be wrong.


I think it does. Let me take a stab in the dark and ask during the abuse was it PIV only?



LittleBird said:


> So last week I told him I'd been essentially, only having sex for his sake. I confessed that while some nights it was not a real sacrifice, other nights I would have to give myself a pep talk in the bathroom before going to the bedroom. Well he took it pretty hard but resolved to make it more mutually satisfying.
> 
> Well, just a little while ago we had our first real fight about sex. I guess I'm just looking for some perspective, male and female.
> 
> We're both hurt at this point and I don't want to make things worse. He stormed out...quite literally stormed out with nothing but his car keys. We don't normally fight so I guess I don't know how to handle it.


*He's confused and hurt because he doesn't know what to do to help you.*



LittleBird said:


> So basically, he shows up with this book he got from Borders. It's a sex book with all these positions and stuff.
> 
> I'm immediately not super comfortable but I *did* say I wanted to improve our sex life and make it more sustainable....though I didn't quite mean go buy a sex book. I wanted to take it slow, it seems like the sex book is taking it faster. I appreciate he is so eager to address my concerns but....I digress.
> 
> ...


*He bought the wrong book. He should have bought a book on how to please YOU. Giving a female an orgasm...*



LittleBird said:


> Me: I'm not sure about that.
> 
> Him: You haven't even tried it, how can you say that already?
> 
> ...


He's confused. He doesn't know what to do to fix this. He needs reassurance from you that it'll be okay in time. I've read about 5 pages of this thread. You DON'T have to give him any details about what happened. When I told my wife I was a victim of CSA that was it. Just that it happened. There was a specific reason I told her when I did. We were having children at the time. If anyone abused my children, they wouldn't get the luxury of standing before a judge. My wife needed to know that and I expected her to wait for me while I did my time. I made it very clear in the community too.

You do need to tell him how it is affecting you if you find out. I'm glad you guys are talking about this even though it's very difficult. You had mentioned that he's asking who, who, who. He will be walking around and wondering this forever! Everyone he see's he'll be wondering. I would just say that it's not anyone you know, unless you want to expose this guy. That's completely up to you. 

That's all I got right now.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

What is CSA? Didn't find it in abbreviations on this forum.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Hicks said:


> You are not attracted to him because you gave him something he needed to earn. That includes sex, cohabitation and promise of marriage.


This is very interesting. Could you please elaborate?


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> What is CSA? Didn't find it in abbreviations on this forum.


Childhood sexual abuse


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

T&T said:


> I don't know about that. I'd give yourself a little more credit. He seems very immature.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Perhaps I should tell him that also. I will kill them. There will be no trial. I will hack them to pieces and dissolve them in acid and think I'm joking. 

And then I'll go right back home and finish my knitting. 

I don't understand why "who" matters. If the guy were dead, or even out of our lives, I would tell him. Sadly, it is someone we see on a semi-regular basis. I don't want that tension...because it's likely going to blow up. 

I'm going to go buy a new book, just so he doesn't think I'm blowing him off.

I need him to understand that sex for me, starts in my head and not in my genitals. So even if I'm turned on, hard to enjoy if he comes up to me 20 minutes before bedtime and starts complimenting me.

I'm not bloody stupid, he should know that.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> He cannot wait 5 minutes? So how much foreplay do you two have?


Well, I get aroused (at least biologically) in seconds, so he just assumes that's a green light.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Tigger said:


> Work isn't just for money you know. It builds character and a work ethic.
> 
> Is that what you like being bought gifts? Does that mean love to you?
> 
> ...


He's a silver spoon baby, big time. He doesn't have to work for anything, really. 

Um.....we solve problems by....usually I just get over whatever is bothering me. 

Wedding date is a tentative next December, perhaps make that two Decembers from now....


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> What is CSA? Didn't find it in abbreviations on this forum.


Childhood sexual abuse


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Perhaps I should tell him that also. I will kill them. There will be no trial. I will hack them to pieces and dissolve them in acid and think I'm joking.
> 
> And then I'll go right back home and finish my knitting.


:rofl:



LittleBird said:


> I don't understand why "who" matters. If the guy were dead, or even out of our lives, I would tell him. Sadly, it is someone we see on a semi-regular basis. I don't want that tension...because it's likely going to blow up.


Probably because he wants to protect you from him. That and like I said before, he doesn't want to *unknowingly* run into him. If he's still in your life he'd feel uncomfortable talking to anyone. Me, I would expose the ***hole but that's me. You have the option of saying he's long gone.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

T&T said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> Probably because he wants to protect you from him. That and like I said before, he doesn't want to *unknowingly* run into him. If he's still in your life he'd feel uncomfortable talking to anyone. Me, I would expose the ***hole but that's me. You have the option of saying he's long gone.


I'm not in any kind of position to expose him unless I want another Sandusky trial.

And I don't.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> I'm not in any kind of position to expose him unless I want another Sandusky trial.
> 
> And I don't.


I can understand that, LB. Then you have the option of telling him he's long gone or telling him who it was. I don't really see any other option for you. Maybe someone else can come up with something, but the "who" will drive your bf insane...My wife had an Uncle that TRIED to abuse here. She told me who it was and I've met and spoken to him on several occasions. She asked me not to cause a stink and I respected her wishes. I did not.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

T&T said:


> I can understand that, LB. Then you have the option of telling him he's long gone or telling him who it was. I don't really see any other option for you. Maybe someone else can come up with something, but the "who" will drive your bf insane...My wife had an Uncle that TRIED to abuse here. She told me who it was and I've met and spoken to him on several occasions. She asked me not to cause a stink and I respected her wishes. I did not.


My fiancé does not have that kind of self control. I know the first thing he'd do is run to his/my parents. 

And trust me, if my father found out, all hell would break the **** loose. 

I don't think lying to him is the way to go because if he did find out one day, he'd kill me. 

And he'd never trust me again. 

I don't want to lie but....rock and a hard place....


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> My fiancé does not have that kind of self control. I know the first thing he'd do is run to his/my parents.
> 
> And trust me, if my father found out, all hell would break the **** loose.
> 
> ...


Maybe this is something you could run by your counselor. I'm at a loss here...I do agree lying wouldn't be the best option. It never is...


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

What I can't fathom is how people think her _not_ telling her fiance at least _some_ things about the abuse is going to help one jot. This guy is still in their lives. She said they see him semi-regularly, and people actually think she should keep that from her fiance?

Seriously? 

She isn't the only one suffering because of the abuse. Her fiance is as well.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> What I can't fathom is how people think her _not_ telling her fiance at least _some_ things about the abuse is going to help one jot.


I don't understand why he would need details. What difference would it make in their relationship, C2W? Just the fact that she opened up and told him is enough IMO. It's a start to a long road ahead.

It would be *INCREDIBLY* hard for me to speak of them today. That's over 35 years. I can't imagine anyone being able to speak of the details after a couple of years...


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

She doesn't have to give gory details, and no one ever suggested she should. But she has LIED to him about aspects of the abuse and now, by her own admissions here, he's starting to not believe her. The guy who abused her is still in her life, and no one seems worried about that? He's still around! And the fiance doesn't know!

No, he doesn't need to know the horrific details. But he absolutely has a right to know that this sicko is still in her life; that she sees him on a fairly regular basis. Keeping that from her fiance...really?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Hi folks.
> 
> A little background on me for those of you who don't know.
> 
> ...


Snipped for brevity.

Okay, I'm not going to wade though the entire six pages at this point, only going by the OP, so if this is addressed by other posters (as it most likely has been), my apologies for the repetition.

You two are speaking two totally different languages. I mean it.

What you said was "I want sex to be special to me.  I want to orgasm" (paraphrasing)

This is not what you meant. What you meant was "I want a close physical and emotional relationship with you where I feel safe enough to be sexual."

What he heard was "you need to up your game in the sex department" with a subtext of 'because I've already been jaded by some fictitious alpha male who MADE me do the things described in the book...which is now where my sexual bar is."

So while he's out looking for french ticklers, with a strange notion that this is some plot by you to get out of sex, YOU want to have time without sex...which fosters his suspicions. 

He doesn't conceptually realize that you need to go to a sex therapist and a psychologist to deal with the load of crap which has heretofore been your sex life just so you can have a NORMAL sex life. He thinks his failings are because you've been there and done that.

So have a conversation like this with him:

"All sex which came before you wasn't some sort of sexual olympics. It was a horrible and coercive time for me and made sex something to be feared. YOU are the only guy I feel close enough to to even engage in sex with at all. But even so, I have a lot of issues which I need to resolve before I approach even vanilla sex without trepdiation. So while I appreciate the thought of you trying to up your game sexually, it isn't YOUR failings. It's that I need to get my head on straight."

"One way I want to try to do this is to have some non-sex physical fun time with you. I want to feel safe enough with you that we can cuddle on the couch watching a movie without the constant worry that it will be interrupted by sex. I get satisfied emotionally by providing you with sex, but I have some needs that sex doesn't fix. Sometimes it's enough to hold me."

"The sooner I fix this, the more enthusiastic I'm going to be and the more open I'll be to some of these...spicier offerings."

Just off the top of my head.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> But he absolutely has a right to know that this sicko is still in her life; that she sees him on a fairly regular basis. Keeping that from her fiance...really?


I agree with you on this, but LB feels he won't keep it to himself and will go to his/her parents. She's stated that she doesn't want this in her life right now. He will continue to press for the answer to who did this. It's a horrible position to be in, but I'm STILL glad she told him. Secrets like this eat away at your soul...

EDIT: He's saying he doesn't believe her to get her to cough up the name...


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Wait... so he actually DID turn your sexual assault back on you, implying that you WANTED it? That you ENJOYED and were a WILLING participant?!?!?!
> 
> LB, let me mull over this for a bit. Right now, I am wishing I could punch your SO in the mouth!


Yeah, from the prior thread, I'm getting the impression that he's a bit of a tool.

But that is only according to what I hear.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> I think it is largely my fault in that I am not sure if my problems enjoying sex are mental or physical.
> 
> The book just...caught me off guard. I was not in the mood to discuss sex. I feel like all we ever talk about is a)sex and b) him pestering me for details of the abuse. He will not let it go that I won't tell him who.
> 
> ...


This is rugsweeping. You are ignoring the issue and trying to 'buy him off' with some spicier sex.

As a man, I would be upset with my wife if she told me after x years of marriage that she was raped and she never had orgasms with me for that last X years, but had sex anyway. I would feel cheated. I would be angry.

As far as the identity thing...well, I better keep reading, shouldn't I?


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

As usual, Mrs. C2W gave good advices. I am looking forward to read Bilqis..er Mrs. Lyris's and Mrs. Holland's response to the OP.

To LB: I am sorry to hear about this argument with your boyfriend/fiancee. I hope you will find many good ideas here and able to successfully apply them to your situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> What I can't fathom is how people think her _not_ telling her fiance at least _some_ things about the abuse is going to help one jot. This guy is still in their lives. She said they see him semi-regularly, and people actually think she should keep that from her fiance?
> 
> Seriously?
> 
> She isn't the only one suffering because of the abuse. Her fiance is as well.


I think that she does not have to tell him (or anyone else except maybe a counselor) about details of the abuse. Maybe some high level things, for example to explain why bondage would bother her. It would be the feeling of loss of control. She does not have to tell him if the guy tied her up, etc.

On the other hand I think she should tell who abused her. I think she would tell the world. This guy has probably abused more children after her. HE was probably abusing other children during the same time he was abusing her. People who do this, especially in the way he did, are sociopaths who harm every child who they can get close to.

If she were to go public with this I think she would be shocked at how many other people come forward with similar stories about what he did to them.

And I think that if LittleBird were to do this, she would find a new strength in herself. Getting justice is something that can take away a lot of the pain of what happened.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> I feel so much pressure to orgasm because I know he wants me to.
> 
> I try to make myself do it but IMO, it doesn't work out ....
> 
> ...



Um...don't you think that fixing your sex life is a CRUCIAL part of what you are going through?

You haven't fooled her. You just haven't told her. Plus she's probably a quack.

You are NOT over the abuse. You are NOT over the sex hang ups. You are hiding them.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

JCD said:


> Yeah, from the prior thread, I'm getting the impression that he's a bit of a tool.
> 
> But that is only according to what I hear.


He isn't a tool, he really isn't.

That's the first time he's ever really yelled at me.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that she does not have to tell him (or anyone else except maybe a counselor) about details of the abuse. Maybe some high level things, for example to explain why bondage would bother her. It would be the feeling of loss of control. She does not have to tell him if the guy tied her up, etc.
> 
> On the other hand I think she should tell who abused her. I think she would tell the world. This guy has probably abused more children after her. HE was probably abusing other children during the same time he was abusing her. People who do this, especially in the way he did, are sociopaths who harm every child who they can get close to.
> 
> ...


I have considered this. 

I'm not withholding out of fear.

I'm withholding because I know the law.

I know the success rates.

I know the plethora of **** that comes with a trial, often times I find that it is in no way worth it. 

And I know my family would probably be *furious* with me if I ever caused any such scandal. They aren't supportive. I've accepted it. No point lamenting that which I can not change.

I have made peace with him. We're fairly cordial with each other on those infrequent occasions social activities force us into contact.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am sorry that you had to experience CSA. No one should have to go through that. Solid communication, therapy and time will heal those wounds.

I would never tell him any details, that would be a huge step and extremely difficult to do. If you did tell him, you would be a much stronger individual in the end.

When I was 20, there is no way I was mature enough for marriage. I was scared of that concept and not ready with all the responsibilities that go with it. When I turned around 24, it just clicked for me. Met my wife to be, she was 19. When I turned 25 and she was 20, we got engaged and 6 months later married. We both agreed there is no point in dating for 5+ years, getting emotionally, financially involved and then don't get married in the end. To us, that would be a waste of life. There have been times we verbally fought and had huge arguments (she cries and I yell, etc.) but we worked it out. I am more of get things done, organized, planned type of a guy and my wife knows this and likes it because her job requires this of her, so she can relax at home. She has a LD and we've been fighting about sex since we got married 13+ years ago. Talking has helped, she's read many books but in the end, her LD hasn't changed much, until our recent "talk". Now it's 3x per week because she knows I'm not happy at all with 1x to 2x each month and it could be marriage breaker for me.

I love to give her oral until she orgasms. She relaxes on the bed, I kiss her everywhere, no rush, then proceed to go down on her, taking my time. She loves it. Penetration alone she will never orgasm and she doesn't mind it if she doesn't orgasm a lot of the time either. It's the oneness and closeness she loves.

As for different sexual positions go, reverse cowgirl we've done. She just leaned back towards me somewhat, I held her back for support, and I did the moving. It was different and not uncomfortable for her. Sometimes she just rides me, either straight up with my hands on her breasts or she lays on top of me and I do the moving and she licks / kisses all over my neck (drives me crazy). Doggie she likes with her legs together and mine on the outside and sometimes she sucks my fingers at the same time. Spoon she likes if she's tired or missionary and she likes it when her legs are together and mine are on the outside, grabbing my butt hard. It all depends on what she is comfortable with and I never make her do any positions that would make her uncomfortable or cause her any discomfort but we do try new positions though.

I would of told your man to be, from the very beginning you knew you would marry him, that the CSA had occurred and you need his support to work through this. Communication is key.

He should be there for you, defend you, protect you, physically, emotionally and be a man for you. He sounds like a good guy and he's trying, being 20 years old and all, but women mature faster than men.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

JCD said:


> Um...don't you think that fixing your sex life is a CRUCIAL part of what you are going through?
> 
> You haven't fooled her. You just haven't told her. Plus she's probably a quack.
> 
> You are NOT over the abuse. You are NOT over the sex hang ups. You are hiding them.


All I really know about sex is that if you don't have it, he will leave.

That's what I've been focusing on. I don't understand this male need for the woman to orgasm.

He cares more about the lack my orgasms than I do. 

I'm sure it would be great and all but it's not the most important thing. The important thing is the bonding, I think.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> All I really know about sex is that if you don't have it, he will leave.
> 
> That's what I've been focusing on. I don't understand this male need for the woman to orgasm.
> 
> ...


Yes LB, what you said and I bolded above is true, especially in my part of the world. Here in my country, women are mostly thinking like you, orgasm is not that much important for them, but the feeling of being loved, needed and adored, and being able to give pleasure for their spouses is what they aim for. I am not saying that this way of thinking is superior or inferior, I am just stating what I know from my own experience being a native-born citizen of my country.

The problem with Western people is (CMIIW) there is this way of thinking that, if a man is unable to make his woman orgasm, then he is a bad lover, useless in bed. 

What is worse, he might be imagining that this inability to give you orgasm will one day being used as an excuse by you to withholding sex with him("You're not giving me pleasure anyway so why should I give you sex?"). This is (maybe) what's going on his head. 

Have you make it very very very clear to your boyfriend/fiancee that it is intimacy and the feeling of being loved that making you giving him sex? Have you make it clear to him that to you, your orgasm is less important than the feeling of being loved, wanted, needed and adored?

Maybe, if he does not feel pressured to give you an orgasm, he will be focusing on making you feels loved, wanted, needed and adored. Surely you'd love that  Who knows, maybe the gods will finally granted you an orgasm


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

JCD said:


> This is rugsweeping. You are ignoring the issue and trying to 'buy him off' with some spicier sex.
> 
> As a man, I would be upset with my wife if she told me after x years of marriage that she was raped and she never had orgasms with me for that last X years, but had sex anyway. I would feel cheated. I would be angry.


:iagree:


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm not going to touch the sex fight, because from everything you've written, your fiancé is monumentally immature about sex and knows nothing, you are massively f*cked up about sex, and can't help him, and it's an obvious recipe for disaster. It's way beyond the capacity of any forum to help either of you.

Maybe you'll work it out, probably you won't. The only thing I can think of that you could try is getting a different kind of book, like "She Comes First" or "The Art of the Female Orgasm". But since your so inhibited about your own pleasure, I don't really think it will be much use.

As for your abuser, yes you should tell him who it was. Not details of the abuse, but the abuser, definitely. And you should have a plan of exposure and prosecution. Of course it's fear stopping you. Fear of the repercussions from your family, fear of a difficult and possibly unsuccessful legal process. What else is it, but fear? 

You don't have to go right to exposure, finish your studies, move away, get set up and then do it. Tell your fiancé those are the conditions under which you will tell him who it was and if he's unable to stick to them, you will never trust him again with anything and will leave him immediately. 

Many cases of CSA are successfully prosecuted. You are not his only victim, I guarantee it. Others will come forward. I have had two friends involved in such cases and in both the perpetrators ended up in gaol. 

And it's true, some are not successful. But that's not a good enough reason to let him go on, happily living his life. Even when cases are not successful, doubt and suspicion is thrown over that person forever, which is terrible for those who are truly innocent, but not for those who aren't.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Lyris said:


> I'm not going to touch the sex fight, because from everything you've written, your fiancé is monumentally immature about sex and knows nothing, you are massively f*cked up about sex, and can't help him, and it's an obvious recipe for disaster. It's way beyond the capacity of any forum to help either of you.


:smthumbup:



> Maybe you'll work it out, probably you won't. The only thing I can think of that you could try is getting a different kind of book, like "She Comes First" or "The Art of the Female Orgasm". But since your so inhibited about your own pleasure, I don't really think it will be much use.


:smthumbup:



> As for your abuser, yes you should tell him who it was. Not details of the abuse, but the abuser, definitely. And you should have a plan of exposure and prosecution. Of course it's fear stopping you. Fear of the repercussions from your family, fear of a difficult and possibly unsuccessful legal process. What else is it, but fear?
> 
> You don't have to go right to exposure, finish your studies, move away, get set up and then do it. Tell your fiancé those are the conditions under which you will tell him who it was and if he's unable to stick to them, you will never trust him again with anything and will leave him immediately.
> 
> ...


As always, Mrs. Lyris never ceases to amaze me :iagree:

Thank you for injecting a dose of reality in our discussions!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> She doesn't have to give gory details, and no one ever suggested she should. But she has LIED to him about aspects of the abuse and now, by her own admissions here, he's starting to not believe her. The guy who abused her is still in her life, and no one seems worried about that? He's still around! And the fiance doesn't know!


What aspects of the abuse has she lied to him about?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> The problem with Western people is (CMIIW) there is this way of thinking that, if a man is unable to make his woman orgasm, then he is a bad lover, useless in bed.
> 
> What is worse, he might be imagining that this inability to give you orgasm will one day being used as an excuse by you to withholding sex with him("You're not giving me pleasure anyway so why should I give you sex?"). This is (maybe) what's going on his head.
> 
> Have you make it very very very clear to your boyfriend/fiancee that it is intimacy and the feeling of being loved that making you giving him sex? Have you make it clear to him that to you, your orgasm is less important than the feeling of being loved, wanted, needed and adored?


So what you are saying is that you think it’s a problem for women to expect to have orgasms with sex… meaning its wrong for women to expect to fully enjoy sex. That is a selfish attitude born of cultures that put women’s needs far below that of men. 

A man who does not learn how to give his wife organisms is not a good lover. He sees sex as something only for his own pleasure and is using the woman for that purpose.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lyris said:


> I'm not going to touch the sex fight, because from everything you've written, your fiancé is monumentally immature about sex and knows nothing, you are massively f*cked up about sex, and can't help him, and it's an obvious recipe for disaster. It's way beyond the capacity of any forum to help either of you.
> 
> Maybe you'll work it out, probably you won't. The only thing I can think of that you could try is getting a different kind of book, like "She Comes First" or "The Art of the Female Orgasm". But since your so inhibited about your own pleasure, I don't really think it will be much use.
> 
> ...


I agree with the above. At this time you could tell your fiancé and your parents. LittleBird, you might be very surprised by them. They might not be quite the way you think they are. You say that this guy works at the country club right? Well the lot of you could go to his employer and expose the abuse. Tell them that the guy has to go. He has to be fired for the safety of the daughters of others there. Do not be surprised if you are not the first to come forward to his employer about this.

If you don’t mind answering, how hold were you when the abuse went on?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with the above. At this time you could tell your fiancé and your parents. LittleBird, you might be very surprised by them. They might not be quite the way you think they are. You say that this guy works at the country club right? Well the lot of you could go to his employer and expose the abuse. Tell them that the guy has to go. He has to be fired for the safety of the daughters of others there. Do not be surprised if you are not the first to come forward to his employer about this.
> 
> If you don’t mind answering, how hold were you when the abuse went on?


I'm sorry, when I made the country club comment I did not mean it quite like that. He does not work there. He is a regular patron there for almost 20 years and carries a lot of weight. He is probably the most well known member there and he is a reputable figure in my home community. He's also a good family friend. 

I was 12 and 3/4 when it started and I was arguably 17 when it ended, there were one ore two instances when I was 18 but nothing major.

I haven't actually lied to him about anything regarding the abuse but I am withholding information that he feels he is entitled to know.

He said "You can't expect me to walk around for the rest of our lives wondering if it was this guy or that guy that raped my wife."

He has a point but....what good would it do?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> I'm sorry, when I made the country club comment I did not mean it quite like that. He does not work there. He is a regular patron there for almost 20 years and carries a lot of weight. He is probably the most well known member there and he is a reputable figure in my home community. He's also a good family friend.
> 
> I was 12 and 3/4 when it started and I was arguably 17 when it ended, there were one ore two instances when I was 18 but nothing major.



I know a lot of guys like myself who would jump at the chance to "deal with this guy" for you. Makes me extremely angry that this happened to you. Imagine "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" or "Pulp Fiction" but you are getting justice done. Nuff said before I get into trouble.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So what you are saying is that you think it’s a problem for women to expect to have orgasms with sex… meaning its wrong for women to expect to fully enjoy sex.


No, I wasnt saying that. There is nothing wrong if the woman wants to have orgasm, and if she ask for the man to give her one, the man should make best efforts to that goal. I was just agreeing with what miss LittleBird herself were saying. She said:



> Originally Posted by LittleBird View Post
> All I really know about sex is that if you don't have it, he will leave.
> 
> That's what I've been focusing on. I don't understand this male need for the woman to orgasm.
> ...


that was what she said and I was agreeing with her. 



EleGirl said:


> A man who does not learn how to give his wife organisms is not a good lover. He sees sex as something only for his own pleasure and is using the woman for that purpose.


This is true if the man actually does not make any efforts to. And yes, it sucks if a man simply put his own satisfaction and does not care about his woman. No argument there.

But it is also important to note that not all woman ask for an orgasm, some are more into the intimacy aspect of sexual intercourse.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> He said "You can't expect me to walk around for the rest of our lives wondering if it was this guy or that guy that raped my wife."


I knew this was going to happen. Why do you feel he won't keep it to himself? 

13-17 is a long time, LB!!! I feel for you! 

Do what you think is right for YOU. Please talk to you counselor...

PS Forget about new positions. Talk to your fiance and just tell him you need a bit of time.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You know, I would bet a lot of money on the presumption that you were not your abuser's first victim. What a shame whoever came before you didn't have the courage to report the abuse. It would have stopped it happening to you.

Come on, Nori, don't be a coward. Protect the next 12 year old the way you should have been.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Lyris said:


> You know, I would bet a lot of money on the presumption that you were not your abuser's first victim. What a shame whoever came before you didn't have the courage to report the abuse. It would have stopped it happening to you.
> 
> Come on, Nori, don't be a coward. Protect the next 12 year old the way you should have been.


Well....he said I was the first one...and the only one...but you're probably right....


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

T&T said:


> I knew this was going to happen. Why do you feel he won't keep it to himself?
> 
> 13-17 is a long time, LB!!! I feel for you!
> 
> ...


He's hot headed. And I just don't want to see him do anything stupid...


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Come on, Nori, don't be a *coward*. Protect the next 12 year old the way you should have been.


With all due respect Lyris, it's her decision and doesn't need to be called a coward if she keeps silent. 

SCA scars you in ways you can't even imagine. The victim is always wondering WHO was there to protect me!!! Coming forward isn't something that is easy and that's why most abusers get away with it and know they will.

Please...don't make her feel like a bad person if she chooses to just go on with life. MOST do just that.


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## X42 (Nov 9, 2011)

No, if you have the means to prevent this from happening to.another innocent child, and you don't, grow a pair. Tough to come.forward? Absolutely. Is it a valid excuse for letting this happen again and again to others. No @#%!ing way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

X42 said:


> No, if you have the means to prevent this from happening to.another innocent child, and you don't, grow a pair. Tough to come.forward? Absolutely. Is it a valid excuse for letting this happen again and again to others. No @#%!ing way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Say that after *YOU'VE* been molested...I'm sure you know just how we feel...

LB, only a pro can help you.


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## X42 (Nov 9, 2011)

It's still not an excuse. Paint it however you want and rationalize silence of you'd like. But iif this monster is free to to his.bidding on innocents because no one had the courage to.come forward, that is shameful. I am not saying it is an easy thing to do. I deal wih victims of.abuse and molestation all the time. but one thing they all have the power to do is prevent this from happening again. And that does trump yourself,because if helping protect others against the trauma and destruction you went through isn't enough of a reason, I just don't know what to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

X42 said:


> No, if you have the means to prevent this from happening to.another innocent child, and you don't, grow a pair. Tough to come.forward? Absolutely. Is it a valid excuse for letting this happen again and again to others. No @#%!ing way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Grow a pair? Grow a pair?! 

And what on Earth entitles you to judge me? 

By the way, it is HIS ****ing responsibility to make sure HE does not hurt anyone else. Nobody else's. 

What do you know of my circumstances? Or his? Yes, well alright then I'll just ride to the police station on my bike and tell the police sergeant that the big bad CEO of a multi-million dollar company touched me in the naughty place. 

And because my parents are SO ****ing supportive, so supportive in fact that they couldn't be bothered to see me more than once or twice a year, I'm sure they'll make it even easier on me.

You can suggest whatever you like. But do not accuse me of being weak.

I am not weak and I'm not ****ing stupid.

I'm a law student, I know a good deal about how these types of things go down.

Don't let the media fool you, they only show the good ones.

I know what they do to abuse victims in the courtroom. I've BEEN there and I've SEEN it. 

IF I come forward, it won't be because it's my ****ing job.

You have zero right to talk to me like I'm a ****ing coward.

By the way YOU are the type of person who dissuades most of us in the first place. Because we haven't been blamed enough.

No, thank you. I appreciate it.


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## X42 (Nov 9, 2011)

I'll stick.by my statements, thank you. And I'll sidestep your personal attacks. But yes, if you think that the horror you went through isn't enough to help prevent it from happening to another child, well...cowardly. 

It's harsh but it's the truth. Oh well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

X42 said:


> I'll stick.by my statements, thank you. And I'll sidestep your personal attacks. But yes, if you think that the horror you went through isn't enough to help prevent it from happening to another child, well...cowardly.
> 
> It's harsh but it's the truth. Oh well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




You know so little and you talk so much.

Go crawl back onto your pedestal and leave the rest of us alone.


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## X42 (Nov 9, 2011)

And yes, it is YOUR responsibility to help prevent this from happening again. Are you really that blind? I'm not diminishing your pain nor your loss. Not one bit. But I am telling you that it is a failure on your part if you can't get the gumption to put him behind bars or expose him. What if someone else's child was a victim that you knew...what if your coming forward could have helped prevent that? Still no responsibility?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

X42 said:


> And yes, it is YOUR responsibility to help prevent this from happening again. Are you really that blind? I'm not diminishing your pain nor your loss. Not one bit. But I am telling you that it is a failure on your part if you can't get the gumption to put him behind bars or expose him. What if someone else's child was a victim that you knew...what if your coming forward could have helped prevent that? Still no responsibility?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not every trial is a ****ing fairytale, you ignoramus. 

I've run the trial scenario several times by some of the best legal minds in the country. GUESS WHAT?

I lose. 

Any decent lawyer could shoot the case to pieces in hours.

*I* could do it for that matter. 

You really need to stop acting like you know so damn much.

Thank you very much for making me responsible for the actions of a sociopathic rapist.

You're just wrong on so many levels it's twisted.

Victims can and in many cases should come forward. Don't you dare presume so high as to judge us all.


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## X42 (Nov 9, 2011)

You are very quick to resort to namecalling and insults. That's your right tho, I could care less. I'm just taking the viewpoint of making you get out of your vicitm shoes for one second, which you can't do because you've chosen to never deal with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

X42 said:


> You are very quick to resort to namecalling and insults. That's your right tho, I could care less. I'm just taking the viewpoint of making you get out of your vicitm shoes for one second, which you can't do because you've chosen to never deal with this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I could have a long, rational discussion with you and show you how you're just wrong on so many levels.

But instead I'll just resort to telling to you get off my thread. Now.

You're turning my stomach. You have zero right to talk the way you do and your condescending attitude is truly repulsive.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

LB,
You know what I think regarding exposure. I stand by what I said to you earlier. 

Two little girls came forward when my cousin molested them. No, she's not a multimillion dollar CEO. She was just a 20something year old woman who decided to molest kids. She went to prison. 

I'm not telling you that you need to tell the world. You're probably right about the guy. He probably won't get jail time. But my advice earlier remains the same.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> LB,
> You know what I think regarding exposure. I stand by what I said to you earlier.
> 
> Two little girls came forward when my cousin molested them. No, she's not a multimillion dollar CEO. She was just a 20something year old woman who decided to molest kids. She went to prison.
> ...


And this I can respect.


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## X42 (Nov 9, 2011)

So instead of the long rationale discussion you Resort to insults and names. Got it.

Btw, my wife, who was sexually abused from the ages of 6-8 by am uncle, wanted me to.write that she feels for you and your struggle. And understands your lashing out. But like me, feels that failure to act is not an excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm going to ignore the last few posts because I was coming in to say that I don't actually think LittleBird is a coward. On the contrary, I think she's brave. She's catastrophically stupid about people and relationships, she has trouble with truth and not much of a strong sense of herself, but she's also brave and intelligent and I think if she can heal a bit, she could be a person to admire, in many ways.

But she needs to heal and understand herself. And allowing her abuser to get away with his abuse will not help. 

One more thing, I'm going to call you on though. You said you discussed the scenario with 'the best legal minds'. I'm assuming you talked to them from a theoretical standpoint as you've repeatedly stated that you have never told anyone except your fiancé about the abuse. If it was theoretical, indeed, if it actually happened, then you couldn't have really discussed it in enough detail for them to make any kind of judgement. 

I'm going to recommend what I did before. You don't have to report anything now. Just make a plan to finish school, move away, get set up, surround yourself with support and then report it.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Lyris said:


> I'm going to ignore the last few posts because I was coming in to say that I don't actually think LittleBird is a coward. On the contrary, I think she's brave. She's catastrophically stupid about people and relationships, she has trouble with truth and not much of a strong sense of herself, but she's also brave and intelligent and I think if she can heal a bit, she could be a person to admire, in many ways.
> 
> But she needs to heal and understand herself. And allowing her abuser to get away with his abuse will not help.
> 
> ...


It was indeed theoretical. A 'friend' if you will.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

X42 said:


> I deal wih victims of.abuse and molestation all the time. but one thing they all have the power to do is prevent this from happening again.


Tell us more about what you do. I agree, but you're in dreaming if you think more than 10% of victims come forward...

BTW I was much younger than LB and the offender was long gone.


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## X42 (Nov 9, 2011)

T&T said:


> Tell us more about what you do. I agree, but you're in dreaming if you think more than 10% of victims come forward...
> 
> BTW I was much younger than LB and the offender was long gone.


Police officer. So yes, I see abuse firsthand and I know how often it goes unreported. It truly sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

X42 said:


> Police officer. So yes, I see abuse firsthand and I know how often it goes unreported. It truly sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's because often times it is way more trouble than it's worth.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

X42 said:


> You are very quick to resort to namecalling and insults. That's your right tho, I could care less. I'm just taking the viewpoint of making you get out of your vicitm shoes for one second, which you can't do because you've chosen to never deal with this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You've made your point.

Drop it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

This is part of that trust thing. You need to have a long conversation with your fiance and you need to outline what you need him to do (nothing) for you to TRUST HIM with this secret.

If he has an ounce of sense, he will not try to expose..but will be watchful of that c0********. As he should be.

He wants to protect you. That isn't a bad thing. He wants YOUR trust.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> Well....he said I was the first one...and the only one...but you're probably right....


Of course he told you that. Child abusers do things to make their victim feel special. The reason for this is to build a sense of guilt on the part of the abused. By making his victim feel like she is special, it makes the victim feel like they share responsibility for the abuse and makes it less likely that he victim will tell. Seems like it worked... so far you will not tell anyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleBird,

Something just came to mind. When you are married and have children, if your abuser is still alive and around, you will need to tell your husband who he is. You will need to protect your children from him .

Many molesters pick on both male and female victims. The reason is that their targets are those who are vulnerable children, not those who are of a particular gender.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> LittleBird,
> 
> Something just came to mind. When you are married and have children, if your abuser is still alive and around, you will need to tell your husband who he is. You will need to protect your children from him .
> 
> Many molesters pick on both male and female victims. The reason is that their targets are those who are vulnerable children, not those who are of a particular gender.


By the time I have children God willing he'll be dead. He's in his 60's. 

Of course I would never let him within forty feet of my kids.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> To the first point, to be honest, I think that little of everyone. And his reaction tonight? Seriously just kind of reinforced that assumption. He basically threw it back in my face. Might as well have called me a lying whor*e right there.


Recognize this for the defense mechanism it is. You believe he is like everyone else, you give him an incomplete truth and/or, then blam him for not reacting like he should, thus affirming that he is like everyone else. Without justifying his poor behavior, you place in him an unwinnable position.

You have a whole lot of advice, but I will notice that your stance her seems much more whitewashed than your first thread which you pulled down. I have to say that if you flip as much with your bf as you do around here, I am not surprised about some of his reactions.

Quit lying to your counselor and work on this issue.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Recognize this for the defense mechanism it is. You believe he is like everyone else, you give him an incomplete truth and/or, then blam him for not reacting like he should, thus affirming that he is like everyone else. Without justifying his poor behavior, you place in him an unwinnable position.
> 
> You have a whole lot of advice, but I will notice that your stance her seems much more whitewashed than your first thread which you pulled down. I have to say that if you flip as much with your bf as you do around here, I am not surprised about some of his reactions.
> 
> Quit lying to your counselor and work on this issue.


You clearly didn't read the rest of this thread or it just seems to make you happy to have a constantly low opinion of me.

I told her everything. 

And nobody is flipping. It's called growth.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> You clearly didn't read the rest of this thread or it just seems to make you happy to have a constantly low opinion of me.
> 
> I told her everything.
> 
> And nobody is flipping. It's called growth.


No, it is flipping. Your story here is different than what you told before. Some is merely omission, but it has changed. You do it here. You also change how you view facts to protect yourself. You should not have to tell your bf anything (because you don't want to be vulnerable) but he should understand everything you went through (because you are a CSA survivor).

I am glad for your growth. I hope it continues. 

But I also recognize that what you don't say is generally more important than what you do say, particularly with your posts. so saying you told someone is likely not enough.


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## vimammuru (Mar 6, 2013)

LB,
I m so sorry for what happened with u!! That Bast*rd needs to b castrated!! He shouldn't walk free looking for his next prey!! That being my personal opinion, i respect your wish to not to deal with that 'right now'!!
Coming to telling your BF!! its tricky.... If he has no knowledge of the abuse, he would have been at peace. But knowing it happened and with half knowledge, he would b in a kind of limbo. From a guy's perspective (not generalizing,just my thinking) , he would like to protect u, make sure that bastard pay for his deed. But as he was refused the info of WHO, he would feel helpless n some what may resent u. Bcoz the knowledge of IT happening to our dear ones will eat us away. But at the age of 20, there is a very less chance of he dealing with info maturely!! Pls do remember that 'WHO' will eat him away eventually!! Ignorance would have been his bliss!! (a band aid)
But keeping the basta*rd still in Your life( i know u don't have much control over it, is it really possible to cut him off??) and letting ur BF see him on social occasions???? Its a huge disrespect to ur BF & U sister!!! Wish u guys good luck!!


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> By the time I have children God willing he'll be dead. He's in his 60's.
> 
> Of course I would never let him within forty feet of my kids.


Hello, Little Bird. Greetings from another survivor of CSA. I wanted to let you know there are new technologies for treating trauma that don't necessitate flogging a dead horse and re-traumatizing you. The one that helps me is called Somatic Experiencing treatment. Allow me to add another title to your reading list: "In An Unspoken Voice" by Dr. Peter Levine. You can go to http://traumahealing.com/ for more info, also Dr. Levine has some youtube videos. It seems to me that your skill at "compartmentalization" are more like dissociation, disembodiment. Please have your therapist available on call as you read. I read his earlier book, "waking the tiger", which has some exercises in it. Despite the warning i am giving you now, i tried them and got triggered since i didn't have the supportive presence. However, this spurred me to use the "find a practitioner" feature on the website and it changed my life. 

That being said, I do have to place myself in the camp of "silence endangers other children". And you know it since you wouldn't let YOUR OWN kids near him. Other people's kids don't matter? I think that as the dissociation starts to give way to embodiment, you will feel stable enough to allow your compassion free rein. I wish there were a way for me to alert people about the guys who took away my trust in humanity, but i wasnt granted that burden. Now i am a whistleblower and i take my friends to get restraining orders,, go to clinics, find words, have a suppotive ear. My stepdaughter was also harmed by CSA before we got custody and i did everything in my power for her, including calling child protective services (they were practically on speed dial) and at one point i followed the chain of command to my state senators office. That was the call that got her into a childrens and parents group therapy specializing in CSA.

The point is not to toot my own horn, it is to inspire you. I highly advise you to look into transformational healing and don't sweep the horror under the rug--for yourself. It is, strangely, an opportunity to become truly great and awe-inspiring. You have sustained a "Sacred Wound". You were rudely and forcibly thrown into "The Hero's Journey". Initiation = world torn apart. Www.KarlaMclaren.com also talks about her CSA and how she used it as an initiation into her life's work. You have chosen to become a lawyer, in other words, an Advocate. What happened to you broke you open and taught you how to Shadow Walk, you are attuned to the suffering of others via the universal pipeline of compassion. Other people don't know, it is a special coal burning in your core. You can transform this wound into Advocacy.

Still another link: please go to www.AwakenInTheDream.com and read the Wounded Healer articles. I think that putting your experience into a larger perspective is empowering. I subscribe to "The Four Agreements", and one of them is "don't take anything personally". Not even this ****ing pedo monster. It's not personal, and you aren't special in your woundedness. Look how many of us are replying to your thread.....Advocating....for you, dear young one, and for the other dear young ones at this man's mercy.

Regarding your fiance: i'm glad that you're doing a long engagement because i tend to agree that you two will likely outgrow each other as you develop as a powerful, ambitious, educated Advocate, and trust fund Peter Pan just won't be man enough for you. I think you know this somewhere in your compatmentalized heart, and that's why you constantly tell him (in your best Jack Nicholson impression), "You can't handle the truth!". I think you like it like that for now, just as you like keeping your therapist safely at bay. Because in all honesty, it's you who can't handle your own truth. But did you ever read that sesame street book, "the monster at the end of this book" starring lovable, furry, old Grover? No matter how he nailed down the pages out of fear of getting to the monster at the end of the book, the pages still turned. And indeed, there was a monster at the end: lovable furry old Grover himself. You will meet yourself and she's not that bad! She's comfortable, ordinary. 

I know i ladled a hearty helping on you. You strike me as someone who is actually kind of tired of running intellectual circles around everyone, and could use some firmly delivered vision. Something you didn't already think of yourself, hundreds of times, and better. I have never pm'd here, but you can hit me up if you want to. My particular brand of lightwork could be too threadjacking.

Namaste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Drover said:


> Sex is a big part of how men connect and maintain that connection with the woman they love. When you start pulling away sexually it causes him anxiety. Young as he is, he probably doesn't even realize why he's feeling anxiety and it scares him and his reaction is anger, aggression, etc. He wants to be closer to you and he hates that you're shutting him out.


You have archaic beliefs about sex. 

In fact if she believed that she needed to do things that are pleasurable to him at her expense then she should find another man. There are plenty that are not selfish and immature. 

He needs to mature and think about her pleasure as well as his. He is not unusual for a 20yr old male but he needs to work OM control and thinking past his own pleasure. 

He is anxious because he has to mature into a man who has enough control and love to take care of his woman.? If that's the case, he is not ready for partnered sex yet. He needs to mature first. 
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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

salamander said:


> I know i ladled a hearty helping on you. You strike me as someone who is actually kind of tired of running intellectual circles around everyone, and could use some firmly delivered vision. Something you didn't already think of yourself, hundreds of times, and better. I have never pm'd here, but you can hit me up if you want to. My particular brand of lightwork could be too threadjacking.


I think it would be very difficult for someone to PM you when she has been banned. There is a lot more to this story than what she had posted. Now, if you are open to other members who have gone through this PM'ing you, that's very nice of you. However, LB isn't going to be able to do so.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I think it would be very difficult for someone to PM you when she has been banned. There is a lot more to this story than what she had posted. Now, if you are open to other members who have gone through this PM'ing you, that's very nice of you. However, LB isn't going to be able to do so.


Thanks for the update. I would be happy to invite others to pm me if what i've said interests them. Blessings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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