# So Sad And Lost



## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

My husband and I are separated. His choice. It is a long story because it is a near thirty year marriage with a lot of water under the bridge. Our thirty year would be next week. He tried coming back last weekend but it was a huge mistake. He has no feelings for me and this is why...We had such a good relationship until my 17 year old son died in a car accident in the early nineties. It sent me into some kind of auto pilot life for two years. My husband snapped me out of it when he came to me and said he wanted to leave. Losing my son had taken it's toll. I talked him into staying and we went to this counselor. At the counseling he talked to us each individually. He asked me if cheating would be a deal breaker in the marriage. I said yes. He talked to my husband privately and he came out of the office feeling good about things. I was just standing there.thinking that I had just been told by a counselor that my husband had cheated on me. My husband then went back to work and I went home. I decided that I would just forget it and move on,since my husband seemed to feel so good about things. No matter how hard I tried.....I failed at forgetting it but kept it to myself. I became distant and pushed my husband away. We lived this way until two weeks ago. He said he had no feelings for me. We started talking and I told him that it was just too hard to block out that he had cheated. Well, guess what? He was stunned! He never cheated. He is hurt and angry that I would think he did. He is left with no feelings for me,after living this way so long. I had this huge burden lifted off me and so ready to get our love back together but he does not know what he feels. He came back last weekend and it was a huge mistake. His heart was just not in it. It was hurtful to me as well. We are separated again. We are going to see each other to do some things together but he still has no feelings for me. He said that until he learned that I thought he had cheated on me and that was why I had become so distant,he had no feelings and was on his way out the door for good. Now I do not know how to gain his love back or if I even can.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

First and foremost, I feel for you. While the whole cheating thing was definitely a self-inflicted wound the loss of your child was not. I don't know what to say that isn't trite but... ouch.

I wish I had some sort of good advice here. I might offer a ray of hope. Your husband fell in love with you once. Something about you was lovable enough to marry, no? Whatever that part of you is, it's still there. Can you find it?

Note... in order to find it you're going to have to let go of everything. You're going to have to let go of the loss of your son. You're going to have to let go of the hurt this whole mess has caused. You're going to have to let go of the expectation that he will come back. I strongly suspect that the only thing you get to retain right now is your love for him and your desire to make him happy... even if making him happy means facilitating a divorce. I say this because you have made some serious mistakes and caused him a lot of hurt. But an honest, upbeat, no-string-attached offering of your very self is hard to ignore really -- an offering of the purest form of love. It may be enough to remind him of the woman he fell in love with once before.

If nothing else, letting go of all that stuff can only be good for you. I know it's not easy. The question, I suspect, is "Are you strong enough to be lovable again?"

I wish I had something else to offer you.

~Jeff


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## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

Thank you for your thoughts and words. I know that I have done some serious damage. It hurts to know that it did not have to happen that way. I made my peace with losing my son,a long time ago. My husband came over last night and we had a sandwhich together. I tried to keep it light and casual but ended up talking about the whole thing. He has no feelings for me right now but is willing to get together and do some fun things,as long as we forget the past and just relax. I am trying hard to do that. Not all the times were bad but enough to cancel his love for me. I am afraid that he is going to divorce me. He is selling a business that he should get the money for soon. I am afraid that he is just waiting for that to come in and then start divorce. I am so scared. I have not worked out of the house. I did childcare in our home and never got skilled in any other jobs. I am in my late 50's and terrified. I really feel in limbo right now. Mostly I just want my husband to love me again. I am lost without him and have so much love to offer him now. Finding out that he never cheated,lifted a block off my shoulders. Now I have all this love for him and no where to put it.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

Wow, this a very tough situation and my heart goes out to you. 

I know some here will disagree, but I've always had a negative predisposition towards MC and this is exactly why - Who in the WORLD would say something like that without ever explaining why?! I mean seriously?!?! Infidelity, even as a shadow of suspicion, has the power to ruin a relationship...Any therapist should know that, and should know the implications of asking that question.

Simply astonishing. Moving on... 

My advice is to try and get across exactly what you've said here to your husband… 

Tell him that you're very sorry and that you know there's nothing you can do to change the past, but that you are ready and excited for a new future. Tell him you realize you're to blame for the lack of communication, and that even though the thought of him cheating was traumatic in and of itself, it's not an excuse for holding out in what should be a trusting relationship. 

Beyond those things, try to enjoy the marriage as much as possible. I know it's scary and hard to keep things light (as you've realized), but do your best. Have fun, spend casual time together, and try to show him the side of yourself that he fell in love with. It's like starting a fire; a little oxygen is good, but too much will put out - Those feelings he needs to feel will rekindle naturally if you don't push him too hard. 

Say what you need to say, but in the end remember that your actions will always speak louder than your words. If you can remind him what an enjoyable marriage feels like, I think he will come around.

Good luck - I'll hope to hear from you around here soon with good news.


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## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

I have already told him all of those things. He is just so hurt and feels nothing towards me at the moment. I am going to have to calm myself down and let things work out,one way or another. He is willing to date as long as we just relax and do not talk about anything serious,but I just do not know if it is too late for him to get his feelings back. I have been married to him for so long, that I am so lonely and scared.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

need some help said:


> We had such a good relationship until my 17 year old son died in a car accident in the early nineties. It sent me into some kind of auto pilot life for two years. My husband snapped me out of it when he came to me and said he wanted to leave. Losing my son had taken it's toll. I talked him into staying and we went to this counselor. At the counseling he talked to us each individually. He asked me if cheating would be a deal breaker in the marriage. I said yes. He talked to my husband privately and he came out of the office feeling good about things. I was just standing there.thinking that I had just been told by a counselor that my husband had cheated on me.


Please correct me if I am wrong. You lost a child. There is probably nothing more devastating in this world. My aunt lost her son to cancer when he was 24, and he had only been married to his college sweetheart for 7 months.

You misconstrued what happened during a marriage counseling session.

This is a quantum leap from losing a child.

I do not believe your husband has left you because you misunderstood what occurred after a MC session. Your husband already expressed a desire to leave because you were on "auto pilot," as your husband put it, for two years after your son's death.

The counselor screwed up. Your husband appears to have a long-standing resentment over your behavior/reaction from losing your child, and that is why he wants to leave?

I am flabbergasted by this. Call me stupid. Call me naive. But this simply does not compute with me. Just asking: Could it be that your husband has buried his grief to the point that seeing you work through it has made him distance himself and want to leave? You don't mention anywhere in your OP that you husband grieved the loss of his child.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Please correct me if I am wrong. You lost a child. There is probably nothing more devastating in this world. My aunt lost her son to cancer when he was 24, and he had only been married to his college sweetheart for 7 months.
> 
> You misconstrued what happened during a marriage counseling session.
> 
> ...


Prodigal, the way I read it is that the husband was not happy when she was on autopilot..... once the counselling sessions snapped the wife out of that, he was happy and positive, however the backhander was leaving the wife thinking that he had an affair, this would have impacted on the way she treated him for the rest of the marriage.

I think that she has probably been passive aggressive for all these years, as she does not communicate, and it has wiped off so much of the good feelings he would have had. A long time of negative gearing will leave anything at close to zero. 

I feel for the husband as he lived in a bad situation for a long time, and the focus of that was his wife's attitude. Like pavlov's dog, he has an automatic reaction to her presence now that will take a lot of positives to overcome. It can be done, but it will require a lot of effort on both of their parts. The husband knows what is needed and has told her, dates, good times, enjoyment, no heavy discussions, no sadness, no regrets, only positives can move them both forward to where they want to be.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Wait a moment. My question is why did the coupler ask a loaded question and then leave it dangling? 

I am not so sure that your husband did not have an affair. Cheater's lie and blame their spouse. Are you certain there is not someone in the picture? I think you are setting yourself up for more pain. Dating and not talking about anything serous? 

But you need to talk about serious things. That how you got into this med in the first place. You swept it under the rug. This to me is a red flag. If he does not want to talk then it is not a date. I see it completely differently. He does not want to talk because he does not want you to ask him about ant affairs. 

You in a bad space because of fear. You are willing to take him back on any terms. That will not get him back though. He may string you along but when you get to the point where you need to get answers then he will be gone. 

Why don't you take some time to think. Don't date him yet. Tell him if he does nit want to answer questions then you can't see him. You are hurting and you need answers. 

If he does not care then tell him when he does you would like to talk. Also, do some digging. He may have another woman. 

Hold you heart and stop blaming yourself. First the therapist was very stupid to introduce this and then offer no explanations. Tell your husband what she said and what did n=he expect you to think when she brought that up? 

Don't let him off of the hook so quickly. He may have cheated or else why did the therapist bring it up after talking to him? Ask him to explain it. Not asking him an just taking his word for it will not get him back. 

Don't accept being a at fault for this. Confidence and self respect will carry the day. Prepare yourself for the marriage being over. 

Don't beg, don't take all of the blame. You will invite contempt instead of respect. He may not love you but don't let him disrespect you. Be cool but hold him to accountable. 

Mostly don't lose your sense of your self worth and right to know why this was done to you. The loss of a child is an unimaginably devastating thing. Having a spouse cheat or being led to think that he cheated is another blow.


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## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

I am totally sure that he did not cheat. That is one of the things that was so important to both of us. He is crushed that I thought he did. Trust is a big thing for both of us. He is hurt and angry. He is a good guy. It was me that messed it up and I take that responsibility. He does not want to talk about it anymore because we have both exhausted ourselves talking about it and have no more to say. He is just working on processing the info and knowing what to do. He wants to have relax and fun time together. He wants to see if he can find the love again that he had for me before. I have never been a patient person but I am going to learn that lesson. When he wanted to leave a couple years after our son died(mine with previous marriage)It was because of a family issue with my daughter that really hurt him. He did not feel like a part of the decision making with an issue had with her. Basically he was not home and my daughter and I got into it and I told her to follow the rules of the house or leave. She left for about a month. Our whole family had been grieving the loss of Jason,in different ways. I did not take his upset over the issue as such a big deal as he did. I just thought I was making a parental call while he was not home. He wanted to be a part of the decision making and frankly would have been a lot better at handling things than I was. That is why he wanted to leave. I did not know that. I just honestly did not think it that big of deal.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

need some help said:


> I am totally sure that he did not cheat. That is one of the things that was so important to both of us. He is crushed that I thought he did. Trust is a big thing for both of us. He is hurt and angry. He is a good guy. It was me that messed it up and I take that responsibility. He does not want to talk about it anymore because we have both exhausted ourselves talking about it and have no more to say. He is just working on processing the info and knowing what to do. He wants to have relax and fun time together. He wants to see if he can find the love again that he had for me before. I have never been a patient person but I am going to learn that lesson. When he wanted to leave a couple years after our son died(mine with previous marriage)It was because of a family issue with my daughter that really hurt him. He did not feel like a part of the decision making with an issue had with her. Basically he was not home and my daughter and I got into it and I told her to follow the rules of the house or leave. She left for about a month. Our whole family had been grieving the loss of Jason,in different ways. I did not take his upset over the issue as such a big deal as he did. I just thought I was making a parental call while he was not home. He wanted to be a part of the decision making and frankly would have been a lot better at handling things than I was. That is why he wanted to leave. I did not know that. I just honestly did not think it that big of deal.


(Can you break your post into paragraphs? Easier to read don't want to miss anything Thanks)

It sounds like you know your husband well. Now your task is to make peace with and forgive yourself for the errors that you made. They were not made out of malice. 

Do things that make you happy so that you can be cheerful with your husband. Be very patient. Would you be willing to read Daisy41's threads? She had a reconciliation with her husband. It took the better part of a year. 

You will have to siphon off some of your energy from watchful waiting and become more independent. Remember when you were dating? He was attracted to that person who was separate from him, different.

Do fun things with him but also develop your sense of independence and regain your self esteem. Cultivate friends or new hobbies. Do something different. 

Bring out a side that hew has not seen in years. He will be glad to see the woman he fell in love with emerge from her self imposed imprisonment. 

Most of all calm down. This is going to take time. It took years to get this way now give it time to come back. He hung in there for a long time so he feels something for you. 

Give him space to bring it back out. Keep posting and don't crowd him, have faith that if he will come back hew needs to walk back to you on his own. 

That will make you feel good and he will be making a decision because he wants to be with you not because you are needy.


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## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

Thank you so much for the post. Catherine,that is exactly where my head is right now. You have hit it on the head. It is good to see positive support. I know what I stand to lose. I am going to be patient and do my best.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Give him space to bring it back out. Keep posting and don't crowd him, have faith that if he will come back hew needs to walk back to you on his own.
> 
> That will make you feel good and he will be making a decision because he wants to be with you not because you are needy.


This, to me, is the most important and most powerful part of this post, and perfectly says what I was trying to get across in my previous post...

The only way that is _guaranteed_ to get your husband back is to make him WANT to come back on his own. It sounds obvious, but many people don't see it in those terms. 

Your husband will WANT to come back when he feels attracted to you once again. There is no counseling technique in the world that can even come close to duplicating the effect that honest-to-goodness attraction has on the marriage. 

What Catherine said about finding your self worth, self confidence, and just generally feeling attractive is all great advice...Show your husband the woman he fell in love with, and it's a safe bet that he will do the same for you _(but vice versa, of course)_.

I'll look forward to hearing updates and I wish you good luck.


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## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

I am pretty happy and upbeat today. Yesterday my husband came over to do his laundry. There was no tv on and no other distractions. We spent the day just talking and playing cards. Very relaxing and casual. I have a date with him next Saturday night. It will be our 30th anniversary and I am so happy to at least spend that with him. I also found out that a hug from my husband can still make my heart beat fast. I think he is wanting me to show him the me that I used to be. I am starting to feel like the me I used to be too. Wish us luck. I am going to win my husbands love back.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I just thought of something when I read you last post. How do you feel about easing into having sex if he makes a move? On the one hand physical intimacy can be a bonding experience if he wants to reconnect emotionally. 

He may approach you just to get off with no intention of investing emotionally. How can you tell the difference. You know your husband and you have to follow your gut. I am not advising one way or another I am asking you to think about if when and how you will reintroduce pysical intimacy. You can slowly work up to it and chech how you feel at every stage. If you feel that he needs to connect with you physically to deepen his feelings then I say go for it. Sex can be a bonding experience. 

But if it seems as if he is still disconnected and wants sex then the sex may not lead anywhere.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> You don't mention anywhere in your OP that you husband grieved the loss of his child.


I think the OP was so out of it that she wouldn't even have noticed if her husband never showed up again in that 2 year period.

I've seen where someone just shuts everybody out and wouldn't even know what day, month, time or anything at all anymore. Wake up, eat, sleep, wake up, eat, sleep and that was their life.

I'm pretty sure the husband was suffering but he probably had to hold it together since his wife needed him, so he shut it all in and took on the added responsibility of taking care of his wife also. Or he could have shut down also and let everything crumble around him and his wife to make everyone see that he was suffering also?

Then his wife gets the idea implanted in her head that he's having an affair and she completely shuts down for who knows how many more years before the husband gives up in frustration.

Lack of communication is the problem here.

Hope you can win him back but you've got to open up to him, shutting down because life gets too tough is your problem. And let me tell you, it's gonna be even tougher trying to win him back so I hope you don't shut down again if he seems distant from you again. It's gonna a long and tough journey and I really hope the best for both of you.


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## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

My husband and I grieved in two different ways. I wanted to talk about it and he did not. He drank for a short time. It was pretty much a shut down for me. The whole time period was horrible. We had two other children to live for and that is what kept me going. He worked and worked and that is where he was.

We have our date on Saturday night. Of course,I will not have sex with anyone that does not love me as much as I love them. Time will tell on that one. He knows me, and he knows that I would not be able to do that without complete commitment, and he respects that.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Ah, makes it more clear now. Both of you shut down and let the marriage sort of crumble, he poured everything into his work and you shut down.

So communication was the major problem here. Both sides hurting and both sides shutting out the other person. GL this weekend, hope when you look into his eyes you see some spark still left there and vice versa for your husband :smthumbup:

I'll be drinking one down for the both of you, water that is, no more alcohol gotta lose this gut.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Cancel


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## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

We had our date last night. He ended up staying the night. We slept together and things were good. He is just so emotionally shut down and says he is trying and can tell that I am too. I think in the end it is going to be a long slow process. He is so exhausted right now that he can barely think straight about anything. He is selling his business and hanging on by a thread. He said he is just emotionally,physically and mentally exhausted. I can see that he is. He has been for two years. I do not think he will be able to put much thought into the relationship until he is done with this job. I am hanging in there and trying my best to be patient with him. I kind of feel like I went to sleep and had a very bad nightmare. I woke up starving,for love, and it may be too late.


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## need some help (Apr 7, 2012)

A little update on how things are going. Husband is still not living back at home. The good thing is that we are talking a lot and opening the whole can of ugly worms to each other. We are re bonding, in all ways. I feel like I have been freed of a demon thought that chased me for many years. He is cautious and rightfully so. I would be too. I am hoping for a good ending with a better relationship than ever. Keeping my heart and soul in it.


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