# I cant accept that...



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Hi!
I'm an italian girl and i moved this year to the united states...
I never really datet an american boy since i meet my fiancé.
Now we live together for 2 months. Before that we weren't really sexual active because we both lived in 2 different states...
Everything is perfect with him, I really love him and I never thought i would met someone like him. He is my dreamboy. But our sexual life is a little weird... He was always single before me, had a little sex experience and now he is in his first relationship. I know that he loves me and he wants to marry me this or next month but things that are going on in bed are not going good for me. We don't agree with other... It seems like that he is ok with that but how I said Iam not. Sometimes we sleep with each other twice a day but this is ok for me it's just that he just prefers (two times in 2 Months) to masturbate instead of sleeping with me. And this is something that i can't accept... It makes me feel weird or sad and a little angry, it makes me think that he is more attracted to hisself than to me even if he always says that it's not like that. I feel hurt. He always just tells me that he is weird... I'm not used to that, it never happend before in Europe that someboby prefers that that sex. Than, he is addicted to pornos but he says that he is trying to get away from this spirit. I'm trying to help him when it's coming up to sleep with other. I wear tights/stockings because it turnes him on more but to think about to watch pornos together, I really wouldn't like it . This is not who I am. I hope that somebody can come back to me. I just want to understand why he acts like that. I don't want that our relationsship goes down just cause of that.
thank you


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think what you need to do is give yourself a good amount of time before you get married. Talk to him then write a list of your boundries and what you expect from him.

Let him know that he has to cut porn now, that you find it unacceptable and if he watches it behind you back it is a deal breaker for you.

As far as sex vs masturbation goes offer this. You get first refusal. If he wants it he approaches you, if you don't then he tells you he wants to make love to you and you have 24 hours to fulfill it otherwise after that he can take matters into his own hands (so to speak.)

draconis


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Thank you very much for your answer... we talked about that, he said he wouldn't do it again. He wants to finish watching that stuff.
With the masturbation I don't know exactly... I think he trys to stop it, too. Because I think this doesn't belong to a relationship. In a relationship you do everything (alomst) together, specially sexuall stuff, wrong or right?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> Thank you very much for your answer... we talked about that, he said he wouldn't do it again. He wants to finish watching that stuff.
> With the masturbation I don't know exactly... I think he trys to stop it, too. Because I think this doesn't belong to a relationship. In a relationship you do everything (alomst) together, specially sexuall stuff, wrong or right?


Ive been struggling with this with my H for years. its a long road and a lot of work. I doubt your fiance can just up and quit. He'll get the urge again but next time he'll probably just hide it from you. At least that's what happened to me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well if the option is there than sex over masturbation is much more rewarding. Further it releases chemicals in the brain that bond the pair.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If this is his first serious relationship then it may take a little time for him to release old habits. I agree with Drac, fully. State your boundaries and make sure he can stop the behavior. If he doesn’t you will likely be unhappy in the future. Give him some time and both of you should work on building a loving and enjoyable sex life together. Good luck.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Thank you very much for your responds... 
I think you are right amplexor he needs his time.
I will give him his time... I love him and I think this is not something that could tare us appart how some other people say that they would cheat or leave. We need to work on it, but it got better... He didn't do it again and he promised me that by hisself on our marriage...
(we got married today lol)
Things will get better  from day to day...


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

In my personal experience, porn addictions don't just disappear. Even after promises are made to cease watching, it seems to lure the watcher back in time and time again....and yes, they just become better at hiding it. 
I feel counselling of some sort would probably be beneficial to the long term future of your marriage - start soon! Don't wait until you get to my stage and there seems little or no hope of redemption.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Earthmother1970 said:


> In my personal experience, porn addictions don't just disappear. Even after promises are made to cease watching, it seems to lure the watcher back in time and time again....and yes, they just become better at hiding it.
> I feel counselling of some sort would probably be beneficial to the long term future of your marriage - start soon! Don't wait until you get to my stage and there seems little or no hope of redemption.


:iagree:


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

wow, so I just need to accept?
That is not easy or no I can't accept that, I don't like to know that my husband gets horney from somewhere else! From some other woman doing sex...!
I don't know what to think now!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

No you do not need to accept this. State your bounderies and have him seek counsel if he doesn't stop. Install a key logger on your PC to track his actions.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

There is no reason why you need to accept something which is a possible deal breaker for you. Ask him to attend some counselling sessions to make you feel happier about his commitment to staying away from internet porn.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> wow, so I just need to accept?
> That is not easy or no I can't accept that, I don't like to know that my husband gets horney from somewhere else! From some other woman doing sex...!
> I don't know what to think now!


no way, you dont have to accept it. but if he is addicted you do have to accept that it'll take time for him to work through it, and he, mostly likely, will not be able to just stop. Maybe he can, but odds are he cant just quit. I accepted that my H had an addiction and that it would happen again. but i would not accept him just making promises to stop. i only accepted his addiction if he promised to go to counseling and try to quit.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

yes, thats what we are doing right now... and everything is working out well! I try to accept it... or better I did actually!
I thought about that and at least I talked to my mom LoL
It was a little emberessing at the beginning but she took it pretty cool to talk about that with me...

But with the pornos... hmmm , I don't know yet... I don't feel ready for that, or I don't know if I will feel ready one day. I just think if we do it once, he wants to do it all the time and I don't want this to happen! This things can be ok for once in a while but not that our sexual life will be just controlled by that...

Thank you very much you guys!!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am glad to hear everything is working out well for you and that you were able to talk to your mom about it! My husband had a few relationships before me but was 33 when we married and single most of the time before that, so he did get used to masturbation/porn for fulfillment. As far as masturbation, I would guess he probably does prefer the real thing, but on the other hand there is some insecurity involved in being able to please you so his inexperience might be adding some pressure that doesn't exist when he masturbates. If this is the case, it's something for him to work through and nothing to do with his desire for you, so hopefully he will get more comfortable there.

If you are uncomfortable with porn, make sure he knows why. Giving in on this, if it bothers you, won't be good for you in the long run. That being said, porn use is very common among men and for some can become quite addictive. If he feels he needs it when he's stressed or feels the need to look at more explicit stuff over time it may be getting out of control. If it is an addiction, like any other, it can be difficult to stop entirely. If he feels safe talking honestly with you about it, you can be a great help to him (getting angry will probably just make him more stressed and feel he needs to hide it) Good Luck & congrats on your marriage!


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

thank you very much swedish... 
I'm happy, too that everything is working out well!!!
I hope it gets better and better time to time...


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