# Do you feel like you love him more than he loves you?



## BlueDuvet (Mar 12, 2012)

Hello Everyone -
I've been lurking the forum and have been reading other dilemmas and today I've decided to post!
Do you ever feel as though you might love your husband/wife more than they love you? Or that you care for them more than they care about you? 

I've been married for four years. I'm by no means perfect but I've made efforts to take care of my actions so as to not make my husband insecure. Last year he got drunk with a friend of mine and ended up in her room (saying that he fell asleep as he was talking to her). Since then, I've found it hard not to be resentful and there is no trust.

Over the last two years things have worsen and this last Friday night he stayed out and returned at 4am. This is a man who is nearly 40 years of age and who thinks it's appropriate to be out all day. Last month he came home at 6am - but this time around he figures it was ok because he "wasn't drunk".
He doesn't answer his phone or text messages or bothers to check in and yet, he sees nothing wrong with this.

How can you even try to get someone who thinks that there isn't a problem to agree to go to counselling? I feel as though I'm married to myself and it depresses me that he may not think of me as much as I think of him.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

The complaint you have is fairly common in women seeking counseling. The fact that they feel they give a lot more than they receive. 

The first thing I would advise is that partners without relationship training either from knowledgeable parents or from a coach often act instinctively inside their relationships and offer the type of love and support they would like to receive.

It is likely that even though you have been offering a lot, you have not been offering the type of support a man needs which is different from the type of support you need. As such he may feel emotionally unsatisfied just as you. 

If that is the case, you are approaching the idea of counseling with the mindset that he is to blame and he needs to fix himself. I would advise that firstly placing blame is usually not a good motivating factor and secondly the responsibility lies with both partners. 

You both where likely driving a relationship without a license and ran off the road. 

In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:

- both you and your partner need to get informed on the critical skills necessary to build a healthy long term relationship. You need a license to drive a car, what are you doing driving a relationship without a license? Instinct leads you tomisunderstandings that lead to the serious problems above.

- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them. Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.

To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.

Furthermore to help you understand the basic emotional desires of men an women please take a look at the list below and see how your relationship fares on fulfilling the two lists on you and your partners side:

* MAN
Fatherly*

A man must be like a father in a relationship. A good father is protective, calm, patient, loving and forgiving. He is the pillar. He provides stability and strength. 

*Affectionate*

A man is to offer his partner affection (love) in the way she likes to receive it. Most people prefer to give and receive love in a certain way although they may like all ways. Find your partner’s love language and speak it. 

Possible love languages are: touch, words of encouragement, acts of service, partnership, gifts.
*
Supportive*

Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing love to the woman. We can categorize the emotional support a woman needs into 6. 
Caring – you are concerned with her well being, you protect and provide for her
Understanding – you understand her emotions and allow her to express them
Respect – you respect her way of doing things even though it may not be familiar to you. You especially respect her intuition. 
Devotion- you are devoted to loving her and are generous at that 
Validation – you validate her emotions giving her the right to feel negative and positive emotions at any point in time and express them to you to receive the validation she needs
Reassurance – during negative emotion cycles a woman will usually feel unsure of herself or your feelings for her and it is then that she most needs the assurance and stability you provide 

*Concerned and open lover*

When making love to her you are sincerely focused on giving her pleasure both emotionally and physically. Actions such as taking your time with foreplay, talking and touching her whole body incrementally are a good sign of concern. You are also relaxed and uninhibited and you know women’s sexual nature that it is romantic and it is adventurous and that they often have colorful imaginative fantasies. This attitude will allow her to experience the full spectrum of intimacy and flourish within it. She can express her fantasies with you and you lead her on both adventurous and romantic experiences. 

*WOMAN
Motherly*

A woman needs to be like a mother in a relationship. A good mother takes care of her children, she is patient loving and forgiving. If a father is the pillar the mother is the foundation and together they stand up. 
*
Partner*

Men naturally connect to one another by doing activities together, working or hobbies. It is very important for a man to feel that his woman is a partner to him in some activities. Possibilities include: a business, a career, hobbies, outings, sports etc… A man must respect the woman’s level of skill so that he will consider her a worthy partner in such activities. Also known as common interests.

*Supportive*

Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing respect to the man. We can categorize the emotional support a man needs into 6. 
Trust –You trust his skills in dealing with his problems. You respect and trust his judgment and his abilities.
Acceptance - he needs to feel that he pleases you. He needs to feel you accept and appreciate him for who he is and not trying to change and improve him. 
Appreciation – he would like to feel that you are grateful for the love and respect he shows you, that you are grateful for his providing for you and not that routine daily activities are no longer worthy of appreciation.
Admiration – you admire his victories and his displays of skill 
Approval - you approve of him as a person and of his behavior. 
Encouragement – you encourage him in a positive way to grow and evolve in skill and status, especially when he experiences setbacks

*Eager and diverse lover*

You are eager to make love to him often and to please him in bed searching for different ways to do so. You like diversity and like to experience the full spectrum of intimacy with him.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

I hear you. sometimes, I suppose (some) men tend to live in tehir own bubble. They do not see people around them who are neglected, or unappreciated. Then it becomes that the other person is the only one who cares more - Becasue the other does nothing to match that care back.

For years, and still today- I still cry and hate the feeling of "I'm on my own" even though I have a husband next to me. But sometimes, we do this and instict kick in to get us going... even when we aren't particularly too happy.

Do what you do to make YOUR day a good one... we cannot help others who won't help themselves. We first need to make our own existence a good one... to be able to get beyond.

You will know what the right thing is for you to do, when the right time comes - not any sooner ..


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