# Limbo is killing me. HELP!



## jessnrus (May 21, 2015)

My husband and I were worship leaders at our church. In a nutshell, he cheated on me with the woman's ministry director/close friend of mine. This was his second time cheating on me. I forgave him 3 years ago and struggled really bad with low self esteem, blaming and hating myself. We did counseling and reconciled. I was floored when I found out he cheated for the 2nd time. Needless to say, our pastors announced it from the pulpit, and fired him immediately and soon after they left. So in a short time I've lost my husband, ministry, church family, pastors, friends, and the list goes on. I've never experienced so much loss in all my life. 

We've been separated since oct. He still has not filed for a divorce but does not want to come home. He is still allowing me to live in the house and paying the bills. He is living with him mom a few houses down. He's a good dad. Financially, the lawyer says don't file but my counselor says the emotionally limbo is gonna kill me. It's been really hard. I'm trying to stay positive and trust God and not freak out. I'm praying God does a miracle in our situation but I'm really confused. I do love him but being it's a second offense I don't see how I will ever be able to trust him again and he is not giving me any signs that he wants or loves me anymore. I'm feel so alone, abandoned and rejected. I'm at my wits end. If I file, my kids will lose their home and school and I don't want to hurt them anymore than they already are hurting. They are 12,8 and 4. But I don't know how much longer I can live like this.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jessnrus said:


> My husband and I were worship leaders at our church. In a nutshell, he cheated on me with the woman's ministry director/close friend of mine. This was his second time cheating on me. I forgave him 3 years ago and struggled really bad with low self esteem, blaming and hating myself. We did counseling and reconciled. I was floored when I found out he cheated for the 2nd time. Needless to say, our pastors announced it from the pulpit, and fired him immediately and soon after they left. So in a short time I've lost my husband, ministry, church family, pastors, friends, and the list goes on. I've never experienced so much loss in all my life.
> 
> We've been separated since oct. He still has not filed for a divorce but does not want to come home. He is still allowing me to live in the house and paying the bills. He is living with him mom a few houses down. He's a good dad. Financially, the lawyer says don't file but my counselor says the emotionally limbo is gonna kill me. It's been really hard. I'm trying to stay positive and trust God and not freak out. I'm praying God does a miracle in our situation but I'm really confused. I do love him but being it's a second offense I don't see how I will ever be able to trust him again and he is not giving me any signs that he wants or loves me anymore. I'm feel so alone, abandoned and rejected. I'm at my wits end. If I file, my kids will lose their home and school and I don't want to hurt them anymore than they already are hurting. They are 12,8 and 4. But I don't know how much longer I can live like this.


Oh Jess, I can feel your pain. You do not want to make any drastic decisions now when your emotions are still high and you have to keep it together for the children too.

Do you have family near by that can be supportive?

Your church family, pastors and friends should still be available if you just reach out to them, you are not the one who caused this so have nothing to be ashamed about. If they are Christian then they will be there for you to help you through this. You may not want to go there but reach out to them individually, esp the women, they will help you I am sure. Try not to be so isolated. 

Do not contact your husband or push for divorce, if he is still paying for everything let the dust settle for now and make the decision to divorce (or not) later. You do not have to think about trusting him at all right now, he has lost that privilege. You need to focus on yourself and your kids. You should go through the 180 for yourself to get yourself to a better place. Your WH has floored you and you have to be gentle on yourself to get your breath back, take one day at a time and do your routines. In time you will know what to do. Keep going to counselling.


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Not sure why you are being told not to file for divorce. Are you planning to reconcile again, if he wants that? That would be the only reason to delay, as far as I know.

I would have filed as soon as I found he had cheated again, after all you endured the other time that you know about.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> Not sure why you are being told not to file for divorce. Are you planning to reconcile again, if he wants that? That would be the only reason to delay, as far as I know.
> 
> I would have filed as soon as I found he had cheated again, after all you endured the other time that you know about.


I'm wondering the same thing. I don't see what difference it makes. Does it have something to do with you would then have to find a job? (Are you a SAHM?)

What is his reason for not filing? 

Why would the kids have to switch schools? Couldn't you move somewhere in the same district? 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you . I'm a Christian, too, and divorced for infidelity. We reconciled last year and he cheated again, and we're splitting now for good. We were not in church ministry or even really involved in a church, but I can only imagine how much more hurtful that is. In fact, I know very well how you feel since my mother was in that situation years ago with my father. 

If you find you can't bring yourself to still go to that church, or that they are not being as supportive as you need them to be, I'd encourage you to find another church.


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Wow, this was not handled well from the pulpit.

I would follow your lawyers advice, he seems to have your children's interest at heart.

I know their are a few Christian women here that have helped me a lot, my dealings with humiliation, resentment, and despair. Hang in there, help is on the way, I can only pray for you sister.


----------



## jessnrus (May 21, 2015)

The lawyer is telling me not to file bc my husband is still allowing his check to go into our checking account and me handle all the finances. I'm living in the house and he is still paying for the bills. As far as my church goes, once the pastors left…it fell apart. I started going to another church. And my kids are at an elearning…which is considered homeschooling. They go there a few days a week for a few hours…I pick them up at noon…If I would fie and have to get a job they could not be at that school anymore. They would have to go to a regular school with regular school hours. I am a SAHM. I have not worked since I was 17, I am now 36. I have no college degree. More than likely I would have to move in with my parents.


----------



## jessnrus (May 21, 2015)

BTW, June will make 16 years of marriage. We were high school sweethearts. The lawyer is advising me to not file because he is still letting me live in the house and allowing his checks to be direct deposited into our joint checking and paying all the bills. Financially it's the best scenario. Emotionally, not so much. 

If I file and have to get a job my kids will not be able to stay at their school. They go to elearning, which is homeschool but they go to get help 4 days a week a few hours a day. When they go, I pick them up at noon. I am a SAHM. I have not worked since I was 17 and I'm 36 now. Having them home so much will limit by capability to find a decent paying job so they would have to go to a school with normal hours so i could find work. And I would more than likely have to move in with my parents. 

As far as my church, once the pastors left the church fell apart so I found another church.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I'm sorry to hear about all you're going through. It's very tough.

Ensure you have a good support structure of family and friends around you.

If he cheated on you twice, he will do it again - especially when there are no signs of remorse or attempts to reconcile. You deserve to be healthy and happy and he has sucked the happiness out of you by being unfaithful. You are a role model for your children so hold your head high and know that your decisions today will set the standard. If you set the standard low and let him back in to your life, your kids will learn from it. Set high standards. 

Make healthy choices - divorce is like death. The death of our relationship with our spouses, the death of future hopes/dreams and the death of our children's relationship with both parents together - although they will still have that relationship separately. It is a grieving process. YOU WILL BE OKAY - but be patient and kind with yourself.

I would not want to reconcile with a man who cheated on me twice and shows no remorse. "When you've made a decision, put your trust in God, for God loves those who put their trust in Him."


----------



## jessnrus (May 21, 2015)

So should I stick out the emotional roller coaster since he's paying for everything and still supporting us. Or do I file so I can emotionally move on but have to possibly lose my home and move in with parents and try to find a job? I dk what to do anymore. I've prayed and prayed and God has just said to trust him and I am trying my best, but I know it can't stay like this forever


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Unless your planning on R for a third time. I would think you will eventually lose the house.

Take this time to find a job.


----------

