# Found out about Husband 2 days ago.... this is hard.



## dangirl (Dec 2, 2012)

Let me first explain our marriage.
We met 14 years ago. We have two children, 12 & 8. We have been married for 10 years. Let me just say that my husband is an extremely honest man. He tells the truth all the time... sometimes to a fault. He never had a relationship with anyone for more than 6 months before I met him. He just never found the right person until he met me. He always bragged how he would never cheat and how if others wanted to cheat, why didn't they just leave their spouses. I had his passwords to everything, phone, email, everything. Not because we didn't trust each other, but we needed to get on that particular thing for whatever reason. He basically works from home. Is always in contact with me and there was never ever a way for him to cheat......
I had surgery mid-october. I had a hysterectomy and had a bladder sling inserted. I also had my vaginal walls tightened because I was so loose from having the kids that sex was a joke. 
He went to a Halloween party 2 1/2 weeks after my surgery. I told him to go and get out of the house. He had been so busy with the kids and taking care of me I thought he needed it. This was a party that our friends have every year that about 300 people show up to. It is about an hour and a half away so he had to spend the night there. He's done this before... never a problem. I even joked with him about staying away from all of the ****ty girls at the party that use the excuse to dress like *****s on Halloween. He joked about it too.
I had a suspicion that something was up because he would not lay down his cell phone anywhere. Before this, I would call him and call him while I was at work or at the store and he never had his phone on him. He also turned off all the ringers and notifications that used to drive me crazy. Apparently, he met a girl at this party and they went back to where she was staying and had sex. They woke up the next day and decided not to exchange phone numbers or talk to each other again (I verified this through phone records). 
Then the following weekend was a very good friend of his 50th birthday party. This guy and his wife just came to his 50th in Sept. so he felt like he should really go. He said he wasn't sure if he was spending the night or not (again, about an hour away). When he was ready to leave the party, he decided to drive to the house where this girl was staying (she lives in another state) and see if she was there. He told me that he didn't plan on seeing her again but couldn't stop thinking about her all week and wanted to talk to her. He said that he was hoping she wasn't home or told him to go away. She was there and it happened again. He says that he isn't in love with her but really likes her a lot. He said that he never expected this to happen to him. I told him that I had had an affair about 2 years ago after he told me that he wasn't feeling attracted to me because I had put some weight on (this was after I pushed him and pushed him to tell me what he thinks of me). Again, he doesn't lie. He always tells the truth. I felt very ugly after he said this so when I went to a friends 40th birthday party, I cheated on him. Then 3 weeks later I went back for more. I ended it after that and there wasn't any emotional ties on my side of it. 
He has talked to this girl and told her that he cannot talk to her anymore (only saw each other those 2 times because she lives in another state and was only out here visiting). He wants to work on our relationship and stay together. I do too. 
The last 4 or 5 years have been tough. I am a control freak and I tell him what to do ALL THE TIME. I can see why he had an affair to a point. He was with someone who wasn't nagging and telling him what to do. He said that he can see why I had an affair because of him telling me he wasn't attracted to me. However, I am still hurt. Mine was purely physical and his was both emotional and physical. 
He called it off with her yesterday and hasn't talked to her since. I know this because I can see all cell phone activity on our networks website. However, he has admitted to me that he misses her. He was talking and texting with her everyday for the last 3 weeks. He said that she is married and that neither one of them ever had any intention on leaving their spouses. The both were in uncharted waters and they didn't know what they were doing. This was new to both of them. 
I know that a lot of women hear these things from their husbands and it's not true, but I know my husband and I know when he's not telling the truth. 
He said that he had no intention of ever cheating on me. He had talked to lots of girls that night and felt nothing and when this girl walked up, they both knew something was between them right away. They were both in unhappy marriages too.
We are going to go to counseling and work this out. He wants to and so do I.
The hard part is dealing with the fact that he is missing her and knowing that he is missing her eats me up. It drives me crazy that he is sad about never talking to her again. 
Has anyone else on here ever experienced something like this before?


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

Wow. Maybe divorce is best.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

The forces of attraction can be very strong. 

He will try to contact her or see her. That's for certain.

If he's serious about staying with you, then some boundaries need to be set up. Pronto.


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## dangirl (Dec 2, 2012)

Lionsguy22.... your type of comments are what made me not want to come on this type of forum. The thing is... everyone here doesn't know our relationship or life. You can't say DIVORCE just from what you read. That's real stupidity.
Staystrong.... thank you. I don't know for CERTAIN if he'll try and contact her. You don't know that, I don't know that. You don't know my husband.....
Boundraries have been set.... for both of us.. Remember, we both cheated.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Hi dangirl,

I will redact the use of "certain" and say "most likely". Please take these words as my concern for you and your marriage, nothing more. I've read many threads on this board so I know what the tendency is for people to do. It's a probability thing, that's all. 

Yes, you both cheated. His is the one of most concern because of its recency. 

Keep posting.

I don't know what the others would say but it may be interesting for him at one point to be on TAM as well.


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## dangirl (Dec 2, 2012)

Thank you, staystrong. I will keep posting.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

_"Let me just say that my husband is an extremely honest man. He tells the truth all the time... sometimes to a fault. He never had a relationship with anyone for more than 6 months before I met him. He just never found the right person until he met me. He always bragged how he would never cheat and how if others wanted to cheat, why didn't they just leave their spouses. I had his passwords to everything, phone, email, everything. Not because we didn't trust each other, but we needed to get on that particular thing for whatever reason. He basically works from home. Is always in contact with me and there was never ever a way for him to cheat......"_

^^ obviously none of this is true. He is not honest with you. He is a cheater and he did find a way to cheat on you. 

Your marriage has serious issues....

You are not unhappy that your husband slept with another woman. You're unhappy that he's fallen in love with her and grieving over the loss of their relationship. 


Karma is a b*tch....


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You guys are having some real problems with communication and commitment. Might be time to start looking at what each of you wants and trying to see which behaviors and responses to anger, hurt, or conflict are getting in the way of that.

If you're both going to continue to cheat on each other, just make it an open marriage. If you don't want that, then find a good counselor who can help you with conflict resolution, commitment, honest communication, and sex issues. 

Marriages have survived worse than this, and it doesn't sound like you two are abusing each other or getting violent, so, just face your demons together and rebuild your partnership -- if that's what y'all want to do. 

Don't rug sweep or look for a quick fix. This is a mess you've both contributed to making. You guys need to do some real work to heal from all this, if that's your interest...


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I agree with Moxy. Step 1: both of you need to admit you equally contributed to making the situation what it is now. You both cheated, you both messed up. Ok, so what to do now??? There are some real emotional issues that need to be dealt with here. You both need counseling, individually and as a couple. If you are going to start over, then you both need to be on the same page and start over TOGETHER. The thing is, what you were doing before wasn't working. You have to change the marriage. Both of you need to take a different approach. 

Aside from the counseling, perhaps church? I know it sounds cheesy, but my WH and I both let go of ourselves and the marriage and focused on our faith and everything got better... almost instantly. But you have to truly commit to work on it. 

If you're not religious, then I'd say the two of you should also start to find new things to do together, which make your marriage more interesting. Outdoor stuff, or a hobby you can do together. Something that you both enjoy that you will associate only with your spouse and no one else. It will bring back some positive feelings in the marriage. 

Remember, this won't happen overnight. You'll both have difficult days and you must both be prepared to deal with them. Good luck.


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