# what do I do?



## pinklily3 (Apr 3, 2012)

So my husband and I have been married for 5 years this Thursday, and now he's pretty much decided he doesn't want me anymore. He's been controlling and verbally/mentally abusive, and while part of me feels that I should be happy that he wants to leave, the other part remembers when he was so nice and caring. My problem is that I still love the man he used to be, and I so badly want to believe the man I fell in love with is still there. We are going to marriage counselling, albeit grudgingly on his part, but I feel like it's just making things worse, I feel that our counsellor is on my husband's side, and I don't think he should be on anyone's side. And today my husband told me that I'm "worth fighting for, he just doesn't want to." And I don't know what to do, I feel like all hope that he was still a nice guy has been shattered, because he just doesn't want to. He came home from work and went straight to bed and I'm sitting up unable to sleep and I don't even know how I'm supposed to interact with him in the morning. Please, someone help me.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

Every situation is different, but the "typical" thing to do when you have a spouse that is not interested is to:

Change your behavior and what you do in free time, do 180s. Get new hobbies. Do something that is out of character for you.

Start working out, get in shape, change hair, clothes, etc.

Get a Life, go out with friends, act like you are moving on with your life.

Don't talk about your relationship unless spouse brings it up.

Don't beg, plead, reason, remind spouse of good times.

Counseling is not always helpful, depends on the counselor, a lot of people use this as a excuse "they have done everything" and it actually makes it easier to walk away.

Let go of any anger, its not fair, spouse may never come around. Accept that relationship may not work out. Your going to have to do all the work. You appear to have time, may spouses just hold it in and walk away without any warning. View the time you have as a gift.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

cdavis said:


> Every situation is different, but the "typical" thing to do when you have a spouse that is not interested is to:
> 
> Change your behavior and what you do in free time, do 180s. Get new hobbies. Do something that is out of character for you.
> 
> ...



I have a question about 180. In my marriage, I have held my anger in more times than I should have. While my wife wanted to argue to clear the air, I internalized it in order to keep the peace.

My wife mentioned how much this irritated her.

So, as part of the 180, do I now vocalize my anger? Instead of crying and being upset, do I now raise my voice?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he wants out, there is nothing you can do. Just let him go. Don't cling. Let go. 

Also, if he treats you as badly as you say, thank your lucky stars it's ending. You deserve better.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

Jayb said:


> I have a question about 180. In my marriage, I have held my anger in more times than I should have. While my wife wanted to argue to clear the air, I internalized it in order to keep the peace.
> 
> My wife mentioned how much this irritated her.
> 
> So, as part of the 180, do I now vocalize my anger? Instead of crying and being upset, do I now raise my voice?


Men have a tougher road because of unfairness in domestic violence treatment. As far as arguing the man needs to be careful. My state allows recording of conversations if ONE of the people knows it is being recorded, so you I would record any arguments encase there is a DV claim or to use in divorce case. 

In your case, I would not really raise voice but be calm, firm and assertive. If you usually engage in the conversation then a 180 would be to WALK AWAY from the conversation, go do something else. That would be a safer 180.


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