# inspired to have sex



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

in·spired
inˈspī(ə)rd/Submit
adjective
1.
of extraordinary quality, as if arising from some external creative impulse.
"they had to thank the goalie for some inspired saves"
2.
(of air or another substance) that is breathed in.
"inspired air must be humidified"


efinition of inspire
inspired; inspiring
transitive verb
1
a : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration
b : to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on was particularly inspired by the Romanticists
c : to spur on : impel, motivate threats don't necessarily inspire people to work
d : affect seeing the old room again inspired him with nostalgia
2
a archaic : to breathe or blow into or upon
b archaic : to infuse (something, such as life) by breathing
… inspired into him an active soul … — Wisdom of Solomon 15:11
3
a : to communicate to an agent supernaturally
b : to draw forth or bring out thoughts inspired by a visit to the cathedral
4
: inhale 1
5
a : bring about, occasion the book was inspired by his travels in the Far East
b : incite
6
: to spread (rumor) by indirect means or through the agency of another
intransitive verb
: in



this has been said a number of times and I'm curious as to WTF it actually means.


Me personally If I have to inspire someone to have sex with me then no thanks! I want mutual desire and having to inspire a woman to have sex is just a huge turn off.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

do you think it comes from unrealistic expectations from say romance novels,media, Disney movies,Dr phil,

It just seem unrealistic and not very practical.

Well my husband doesn't inspire me so I lost all desire for him. Thats a tall order having to inspire someone to make love. I mean shouldn't women also inspire their man? with feminism and equality hows that all fit together?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> do you think it comes from unrealistic expectations from say romance novels,media, Disney movies,Dr phil,
> 
> It just seem unrealistic and not very practical.
> 
> Well my husband doesn't inspire me so I lost all desire for him. Thats a tall order having to inspire someone to make love. I mean shouldn't women also inspire their man? with feminism and equality hows that all fit together?


Basically, whoever is the leader in the relationship does the inspiring.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld said:


> Basically, whoever is the leader in the relationship does the inspiring.


could you elaborate I really don't get it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> could you elaborate I really don't get it.


Simple. If one person wants sex, they take responsibility for inspiring it.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I have roofed my own house and saved thousands of dollars,been active in my children lives coaching boy scouts outdoor activities etc,etc,etc

doesn't seem to matter. 

I'm working on cure for cancer maybe that will be the ticket!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> I have roofed my own house and saved thousands of dollars,been active in my children lives coaching boy scouts outdoor activities etc,etc,etc
> 
> doesn't seem to matter.
> 
> I'm working on cure for cancer maybe that will be the ticket!


What do you do to inspire sex?

My husband listens to my concerns and empathizes with them. That makes me feel close to him. When I feel close to him, sex just naturally follows.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld said:


> Simple. If one person wants sex, they take responsibility for inspiring it.


lol so you don't really have an answer ok I get it.

who wants to be with some one who never desires them unless they inspire them.

that sounds like a jingle.

come on someone write the next line of this little diddy.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld said:


> What do you do to inspire sex?
> 
> My husband listens to my concerns and empathizes with them. That makes me feel close to him. When I feel close to him, sex just naturally follows.


your definition of inspire is much different that mine. sounds like your husband just treats you like a person. nothing especially inspiring to listening to your spouse.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld said:


> What do you do to inspire sex?
> 
> My husband listens to my concerns and empathizes with them. That makes me feel close to him. When I feel close to him, sex just naturally follows.


nothing.

like I said if she has to be inspired then I don't want it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> your definition of inspire is much different that mine. sounds like your husband just treats you like a person. nothing especially inspiring to listening to your spouse.


I don't think that listening to someone and showing you care about their feelings is just nothing! 

My goodness, it is very loving. And to me, very inspiring.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

jld said:


> Basically, whoever is the *leader *in the relationship does the inspiring.


So if your relationship is a partnership it's a standoff ... i.e. no inspiring and no sex?!!!!!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I do think some people need to be "inspired" to have sex. They can enjoy it immensely, but left to their own designs, don't necessarily pursue it. They perhaps have a more reactive approach, and the degree to which they're primed up falls largely on their partner's shoulders. This is typically a woman, though I do absolutely believe there are men who fall into this category, but we're just not nearly as likely to acknowledge that.

This is a tough notion for people who want sex for sex sake. I think in marriages where the spouses have generally comparable drives, and both parties crave sex, the idea of "inspiration" doesn't really have much place in general. Sure one might need to "inspire" the other if they're really in the mood, and the spouse isn't, but in general their sex life isn't dependent on constant inspiration.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> could you elaborate *I really don't get it*.


Yup, me neither.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Red Sonja said:


> So if your relationship is a partnership it's a standoff ... i.e. no inspiring and no sex?!!!!!


Maybe you take turns.

But whoever wants it is likely to make the first move.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jaquen said:


> I do think some people need to be "inspired" to have sex. They can enjoy it immensely, but left to their own designs, don't necessarily pursue it. They perhaps have a more reactive approach, and the degree to which they're primed up falls largely on their partner's shoulders. This is typically a woman, though I do absolutely believe there are men who fall into this category, but we're just not nearly as likely to acknowledge that.
> 
> This is a tough notion for people who want sex for sex sake. I think in marriages where the spouses have generally comparable drives, and both parties crave sex, the idea of "inspiration" doesn't really have much place in general. Sure one might need to "inspire" the other if they're really in the mood, and the spouse isn't, but in general* their sex life isn't dependent on constant inspiration*.


Or maybe it is. 

Perhaps one (or both) is constantly inspiring the other, not even necessarily trying to, but just with how they naturally are and how they treat their partner.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some men will want sex with anyone: if she's inspiring (a.k.a. breathing), they're inspired.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

so If your feeling randy and you try to inspire your wife/husband to have sex and get the old not tonight then you really feel like crap.

this sounds like pure control not very loving and quite distasteful


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld said:


> Maybe you take turns.
> 
> But whoever wants it is likely to make the first move.


not forever there has to be a balance or eventually the one doing all the inspiring will give up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Some men will want sex with anyone:* if she's inspiring (a.k.a. breathing), they're inspired*.


 Yes, that has been my experience with men!

Honestly, that is what I have heard from friends, sisters, mother, too. It was only since reading relationship forums that I have learned differently.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> so If your feeling randy and you try to inspire your wife/husband to have sex and get the old not tonight then you really feel like crap.
> 
> this sounds like pure control not very loving and quite distasteful


I don't think Dug has ever felt bad because I said No. He just tries again next time.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> not forever there has to be a balance or eventually the one doing all the inspiring will give up.


My husband has never given up, 24 years in now.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> My husband has never given up, 24 years in now.


How long is the longest "No" streak you've given him JLD?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> How long is the longest "No" streak you've given him JLD?


Just a night. I am usually ready after that.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> Just a night. I am usually ready after that.


Do you think his persistence would change if you put him off for a year?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld said:


> Just a night. I am usually ready after that.


I think you assume everybody is like you and your husband. and then give advice based on your relationship which is fine but not really applicable to every relationship.

when you have been refused time and again and tried to communicate your need for sex to only be appeased with I'm sorry I'll try to do better bls bla bla.


eventually you don't want it for them any longer. and sometimes that the straw that broke the camels back. When the one who had desire is finally lost then the end is near.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Do you think his persistence would change if you put him off for a year?


No way would he ever let it go a year, kivlor. A week and he would be all over that issue.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> not forever there has to be a balance or eventually the one doing all the inspiring will give up.


As a man I can tell you this unfortunately isn't true. Men are largely conditioned to believe that we're suppose to initiate. We're the pursuers, and a lot of women are taught that they're the eventually willing prey. So plenty of marriages are based on a husband that forever pursues, and a wife who has to decide whether to be caught, or not. I'd say many, many, many marriages and relationships are unbalanced in this way.

In fact just today, in another thread, there was a post by a man who said he always initiates, and they've been married for decades. Some men actually have no idea what it's like to actually have a woman initiate sex.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> I think you assume everybody is like you and your husband. and then give advice based on your relationship which is fine but not really applicable to every relationship.
> 
> when you have been refused time and again and tried to communicate your need for sex to only be appeased with I'm sorry I'll try to do better bls bla bla.
> 
> ...


For sure, you have to be discerning with advice on TAM.

I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I would say something like "I will try to do better" in terms of wanting sex. I mean, who would want to "try to do better" in terms of wanting sex? 

That would be like "trying to do better" on wanting dessert. No one needs to "try" for that.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> Or maybe it is.
> 
> Perhaps one (or both) is constantly inspiring the other, not even necessarily trying to, but just with how they naturally are and how they treat their partner.


Well said. 

This is much like the "earned or given" thread. There can be some real semantic hair splitting going on and we could go either way depending on exactly how we interpret the words being used. Just as we should be constantly both earning _and _giving, we should also be constantly inspiring just by who we are and how we behave, even when not overtly trying to initiate. I am told, at least for (most) women, sex begins long before anybody approaches the bedroom-it is embedded (no pun intended) in everything the man does, how he treats her, etc. Without the connection formed by all the non-sexual activities that make up a marriage, sex is less likely and/or less fulfilling. Good husbands inspire their wives to have sex by not trying to inspire them to have sex, but rather by being good partners in all other ways first. It's a paradox, but it's true.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> No way would he ever let it go a year, kivlor. A week and he would be all over that issue.


So... what if you keep turning him down?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> So... what if you keep turning him down?


I don't have that kind of resistance, kivlor.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Well said.
> 
> This is much like the "earned or given" thread. There can be some real semantic hair splitting going on and we could go either way depending on exactly how we interpret the words being used. Just as we should be constantly both earning _and _giving, we should also be constantly inspiring just by who we are and how we behave, even when not overtly trying to initiate. I am told, at least for (most) women, sex begins long before anybody approaches the bedroom-it is embedded (no pun intended) in everything the man does, how he treats her, etc. Without the connection formed by all the non-sexual activities that make up a marriage, sex is less likely and/or less fulfilling. *Good husbands inspire their wives to have sex by not trying to inspire them to have sex, but rather by being good partners in all other ways first. * It's a paradox, but it's true.


That is a good point, that it is important not to focus on sex. Focus on how you treat her all the times outside of sex, and any sexual resistance is likely to take care of itself.


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

There's truth to the sentiment, but I say that with a huge caveat.

If one sits around all day, accomplishes nothing, is a drain on resources, becomes more and more physically unhealthy due to poor lifestyle choices, is apathetic to those around them... Yeah, that's not going to inspire sexual desire in pretty much everyone. And you can insert either gender into either position as you see fit.

However, all things being equal except for innate sexual desire level and practices... Yes, being the one who always initiates can be a drag. I don't want my partner's sexual drive to be purely reactionary; taking some initiative to inspire MY sexual drive every now and then is greatly appreciated.

One thing I've learned about sex and women (and I'm 37), is that women like to be "taken" far more often than they usually admit in a relationship. My girlfriend is an exception to that rule, she tells me that she loves it when I do that. And I absolutely believe it.

I don't condone rape of any kind. But if I'm feeling horny, I take what I want. Not once have I ever heard the word "no". (Within limits: if I know she's not feeling well, I don't initiate anything and put the ball in her court.) If she is in the mood, she'll signal that to me in various ways... Then it's game on. But the "cat and mouse" dynamic still exists when she does that. She gets really turned on by me taking her as I see fit.

Women love sex just as much as men do. And I've discovered that they really love it when a man approaches sex from a position of strength and power. (One time my girlfriend "86'd" me sexually as a joke. I gave her one look, said "We'll see about that." Turns out I wasn't 86'd after all.)

In a nutshell, there is truth in inspiring your partner into craving sex with you, but you gotta come from a position of strength and confidence in your own sexuality to do so.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> I don't have that kind of resistance, kivlor.


You should try. For science. 

And so you and Dug can maybe empathize with the people you advise here.

I'm sure it wouldn't hurt your relationship at all. Dug loves you.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Well said.
> 
> This is much like the "earned or given" thread. There can be some real semantic hair splitting going on and we could go either way depending on exactly how we interpret the words being used. Just as we should be constantly both earning _and _giving, we should also be constantly inspiring just by who we are and how we behave, even when not overtly trying to initiate. I am told, at least for (most) women, sex begins long before anybody approaches the bedroom-it is embedded (no pun intended) in everything the man does, how he treats her, etc. Without the connection formed by all the non-sexual activities that make up a marriage, sex is less likely and/or less fulfilling. Good husbands inspire their wives to have sex by not trying to inspire them to have sex, but rather by being good partners in all other ways first. It's a paradox, but it's true.


It is true...for some women.

There are women who just want that D. Their desire for sex can largely be independent of relationship circumstances. I don't think that kind of woman is brought up enough in these debates. We just end up falling into old tropes of men who want sex, and the woman who is inspired enough to give it to him.

There are absolutely BAD husbands who have plenty of sex, while there are GOOD ones who still can't "inspire" a woman.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> You should try. For science.
> 
> And so you and Dug can maybe empathize with the people you advise here.
> 
> I'm sure it wouldn't hurt your relationship at all. Dug loves you.


Lol. Why would I deprive myself, kivlor?

These dynamics where people are going without sex for months or years at a time seem very unhealthy to me. I would not want to emulate that.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

jld said:


> That is a good point, that it is important not to focus on sex. Focus on how you treat her all the times outside of sex, and any sexual resistance is likely to take care of itself.


Obviously being treated well is a big part, but often that's not enough. Men can be kind, thoughtful, a good provider, etc. and often their W will still not be interested in sex. 

It's important to recognize the distinction between "not interested in sex with you" and "not interested in sex at all". In the first case, it's a matter of removing the obvious impediments and fixing things. The second case is much more complex. If someone couldn't care less about having sex, how to you inspire them? It's like someone who doesn't like chocolate or ice cream. You can talk about how great it is and try to convince them, but they may never see it that way.

Women like jld will likely take steps to improve things on their own. Since they inherently like sex, they will seek to improve things. But if there's no interest in sex, there's no desire or motivation to fix things, and often resistance to anything that would lead to more sex.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> Lol. Why would I deprive myself, kivlor?
> 
> These dynamics where people are going without sex for months or years at a time seem very unhealthy to me. I would not want to emulate that.


It's just sex. Surely there's more to your relationship than that, right? Dug loves you, not just what's between your legs. I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> It's just sex. Surely there's more to your relationship than that, right? Dug loves you, not just what's between your legs. I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem.


He would never accept going more than a week without sex, kivlor. Not without a medical reason.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jaquen said:


> As a man I can tell you this unfortunately isn't true. Men are largely conditioned to believe that we're suppose to initiate. We're the pursuers, and a lot of women are taught that they're the eventually willing prey. So plenty of marriages are based on a husband that forever pursues, and a wife who has to decide whether to be caught, or not. I'd say many, many, many marriages and relationships are unbalanced in this way.
> 
> In fact just today, in another thread, there was a post by a man who said he always initiates, and they've been married for decades. Some men actually have no idea what it's like to actually have a woman initiate sex.


yuck.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

The take away message for me is: there are women who seem to be more easily 'inspired' than others 



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

jld said:


> He would never accept going more than a week without sex, kivlor. Not without a medical reason.




I think he means it in a fraternity type of way: in order to qualify to give unbiased advice here on TAM, you need to first qualify by withholding sex from your significant other 



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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> I think he means it in a fraternity type of way: in order to qualify to give unbiased advice here on TAM, you need to first qualify by withholding sex from your significant other


It is the idea that if you have not experienced it, you do not know how to fix it?

I guess I disagree. If my husband were often insensitive to my feelings, and still expected sex, we would very likely not be having it. And if he were insensitive for an extended period of time, and even aggressive with me, we would surely not be married anymore.

Now, a lack of sensitivity or some other factor in the emotional connection is not always the reason a wife does not want sex. But it can be. And I do not think we do anyone any favors by not mentioning it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

jld said:


> It is the idea that if you have not experienced it, you do not know how to fix it?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It could also have nothing to do with your husband: you could just be much more 'straight forward' / not very demanding whereas another woman would find ways to just 'not get inspired' no matter what the husband does. There are so many possibilities it's sometimes really difficult to get to the bottom or anywhere close.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> It could also have nothing to do with your husband: you could just be much more 'straight forward' / not very demanding whereas another woman would find ways to just 'not get inspired' no matter what the husband does. There are so many possibilities it's sometimes really difficult to get to the bottom or anywhere close.


I am far from the hardest woman to deal with, that's for sure. I am transparent with my husband, and have been since the beginning. He says it makes me easy to live with.

For his part, he does not seem entitled, unlike some folks. I think that is why he is never resentful. He fully appreciates how much his behavior towards me affects my behavior towards him, and is willing to take responsibility first. 

I do agree with you that sexlessness may indeed be more than how the husband treats the wife. But I think it is a worthwhile place to start.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

jld said:


> Lol. Why would I deprive myself, kivlor?
> 
> These dynamics where people are going without sex for months or years at a time seem very unhealthy to me. I would not want to emulate that.





jld said:


> He would never accept going more than a week without sex, kivlor. Not without a medical reason.





Kivlor said:


> It's just sex. Surely there's more to your relationship than that, right? Dug loves you, not just what's between your legs. I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem.




Kivlor, jld and Dug have a happy, compatible sex life. I don't wanna see them rock the boat for some dumbass experiment for TAM.

jld is a sweetie. She just hasn't lived in a sexually unbalanced marriage; so while trying to help, she doesn't fully understand where others are coming from-----she can't understand.

No offense to you jld; you're cute. I hope you and Dug are always blissfully unaware of sexual difficulties in marriage, and are banging away 'til death you do part.


And, re: the thread topic, you should not have to be inspired to have sex. I think the problem is semantics. Let's reserve the word "inspired" for when it truly fits. It's like the word, "awesome" or "amazing"; pretty soon it isn't going to mean anything anymore if we keep using it with regards to our day-to-day sex lives.

But, I'm a female who doesn't really get the foreplay thing either; so I might not be the person to ask???


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

jaquen said:


> I do think some people need to be "inspired" to have sex. They can enjoy it immensely, but left to their own designs, don't necessarily pursue it. They perhaps have a more reactive approach, and the degree to which they're primed up falls largely on their partner's shoulders. This is typically a woman, though I do absolutely believe there are men who fall into this category, but we're just not nearly as likely to acknowledge that.
> 
> 
> 
> This is a tough notion for people who want sex for sex sake. I think in marriages where the spouses have generally comparable drives, and both parties crave sex, the idea of "inspiration" doesn't really have much place in general. Sure one might need to "inspire" the other if they're really in the mood, and the spouse isn't, but in general their sex life isn't dependent on constant inspiration.




This is typically referred to as "responsive desire" and it's very common, esp in women, esp as women age, esp once the "new relationship energy" has gone away. 

There are very concrete strategies for HD partners to achieve positive outcomes with interested, willing, and otherwise engaged partners who have response desire.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

jld said:


> But I think it is a worthwhile place to start.



Well, not if the reason the couple is not having sex is due to the woman 'refusing' to get inspired. Then it's a useless place to start. Not everyone is 'easy to live with' or cooperative unfortunately.
It would be the same as advising someone to use better seduction techniques even though their wife is actually a homosexual.
It really depends.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> Well, *not if the reason the couple is not having sex is due to the woman 'refusing' to get inspired*. Then it's a useless place to start. Not everyone is 'easy to live with' or cooperative unfortunately.
> It would be the same as advising someone to use better seduction techniques even though their wife is actually a homosexual.
> It really depends.


You are funny. 

A person cannot refuse to be inspired. It just happens to them, and they cannot resist.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> You are funny.
> 
> A person cannot refuse to be inspired. It just happens to them, and they cannot resist.


The last person I "inspired" in this way almost took her clothes off for a photo shoot . We had a bit too much homemade brandy, I had my Canon SLR camera along after a long walk and nature photo shoot in the village. She wanted pictures, you get the drift. 

To be young and inspiring again...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> The last person I "inspired" in this way almost took her clothes off for a photo shoot . We had a bit too much homemade brandy, I had my Canon SLR camera along after a long walk and nature photo shoot in the village. She wanted pictures, you get the drift.
> 
> To be young and inspiring again...


Dug is 50 and inspires me every day, john . . .


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

did you guys not read the definition of inspired?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Personally, I seem to have a set point of already being interested in sex with my partner - otherwise, I wouldn't have partnered with him for a romantic and sexual relationship. I guess having an emotionally healthy, trustworthy, partner in a healthy and functional relationship, is inspiration enough for me. So I've never had a partner who had to particularly inspire me to want sex. 

What I have encountered, though, is a partner who, as the relationship went on, managed to increasingly inspire me to _not_ want sex with him.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

jld said:


> You are funny.
> 
> 
> 
> A person cannot refuse to be inspired. It just happens to them, and they cannot resist.




No, many marriages have one person who is a sexual refuser. 

JLD - you need to realize that there are many people who value "winning" more than they value being happy, and many marriages have a dynamic where the refuser uses sex or the promise of sex as a control tactic. This is very real.

The refuser needs to go on their own journey to find if they value saying no more than they value the marriage. The HD partner in such a marriage needs to make themselves as attractive as possible, to try to help the refuser on their journey, or failing that, to succeed in the dating market after they leave the refuser.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Dug is 50 and inspires me every day, john . . .


That's because you're open to external influence. You'd be surprised to learn you're probably in a very small minority of women in this regard.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MartinBeck said:


> No, many marriages have one person who is a sexual refuser.
> 
> JLD - you need to realize that there are many people who value "winning" more than they value being happy, and many marriages have a dynamic where the refuser uses sex or the promise of sex as a control tactic. This is very real.


It's not real to people in good marriages, not any more than illness is to those who are healthy. It's a nefarious concept, something in a footnote.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> did you guys not read the definition of inspired?


_in·spire
inˈspī(ə)r/Submit
verb
1.
fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.
"his passion for romantic literature inspired him to begin writing"
synonyms:	stimulate, motivate, encourage, influence, rouse, move, stir, energize, galvanize, incite; More_


Yes, he fills me with the urge!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MartinBeck said:


> No, many marriages have one person who is a sexual refuser.
> 
> JLD - you need to realize that there are many people who value "winning" more than they value being happy, and many marriages have a dynamic where the refuser uses sex or the promise of sex as a control tactic. This is very real.
> 
> The refuser needs to go on their own journey to find if they value saying no more than they value the marriage. The HD partner in such a marriage needs to make themselves as attractive as possible, to try to help the refuser on their journey, or failing that, to succeed in the dating market after they leave the refuser.


I can imagine it seems that way to the HD. 

But when I consider the women I have known that might be considered LD here on TAM, it is almost always the husband's treatment of them that has put them off, not some "control tactic."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> That's because you're open to external influence. You'd be surprised to learn you're probably in a very small minority of women in this regard.


His treatment of me more or less dictates the flow of the relationship, john. 

If he were a jerk to me, I am sure we would not be having sex. We would not even be married.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> His treatment of me more or less dictates the flow of the relationship, john.
> 
> If he were a jerk to me, I am sure we would not be having sex. We would not even be married.


You seem to be ignoring the well documented cases where one spouse does everything right yet it does little good...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> I can imagine it seems that way to the HD.
> 
> But when I consider the women I have known that might be considered LD here on TAM, it is almost always the husband's treatment of them that has put them off, not some "control tactic."


That would be news to Copper Top, BostonBruins32, Anon1111, and countless other tam folk.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> It is the idea that if you have not experienced it, you do not know how to fix it?
> 
> I guess I disagree. If my husband were often insensitive to my feelings, and still expected sex, we would very likely not be having it. And if he were insensitive for an extended period of time, and even aggressive with me, we would surely not be married anymore.
> 
> Now, a lack of sensitivity or some other factor in the emotional connection is not always the reason a wife does not want sex. But it can be. And I do not think we do anyone any favors by not mentioning it.


No, I don't think you have to experience it to be qualified to talk about it. But you often come across as completely lacking in empathy in discussions like this one, and I think this would help you to develop that part of yourself. Think of it as personal development. 

I do think that you'd give different advice if you and your H experienced it, but that's just a guess. For all I know, it wouldn't change at all. 

And I have a feeling that Dug wouldn't handle it as well as you try to tell other men to. But I don't know him, so who knows.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

jld said:


> Dug is 50 and inspires me every day, john . . .




I need to get myself one of those Dug things. Does it come in a female shape/form? 

Maybe you let him inspire you? Is that possible? Other women perhaps are not as willing to let anyone inspire them. Also other men actually enjoy a bit of 'resistance' to give them something to fight for (I'm 'other men'. Sometimes. Not if it's been over a week then I'm ready screw that inspiration from behind, no matter what the cost. Pardon my US.)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In electronics products demos we have what is known as the happy path. Heavily scripted demos that hardly reflect real use by real users. I'm sensing lots of that here.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

jld said:


> His treatment of me more or less dictates the flow of the relationship, john.
> 
> 
> 
> If he were a jerk to me, I am sure we would not be having sex. We would not even be married.




Ok but that reads like you think that the only reason other women don't let their husbands **** them is because the men have been jerks for years. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> You seem to be ignoring the well documented cases where one spouse does everything right yet it does little good...


Right in whose eyes, though?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> That would be news to Copper Top, BostonBruins32, Anon1111, and countless other tam folk.


I was thinking of women I know IRL, if their husbands were to come to TAM.

I don't think we ever heard from BB's or Anon's wife, btw.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> No, I don't think you have to experience it to be qualified to talk about it. But you often come across as completely lacking in empathy in discussions like this one, and I think this would help you to develop that part of yourself. Think of it as personal development.
> 
> I do think that you'd give different advice if you and your H experienced it, but that's just a guess. For all I know, it wouldn't change at all.
> 
> And I have a feeling that Dug wouldn't handle it as well as you try to tell other men to. But I don't know him, so who knows.


I think if you knew him IRL, you would think differently.

Kivlor, I want to empower men. Too often they are encouraged towards a sense of victimhood here. It does them no favors. At least imo.

Really, empowerment is the name of the game for both sexes. It is freedom.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> I need to get myself one of those Dug things. Does it come in a female shape/form?
> 
> Maybe you let him inspire you? Is that possible? Other women perhaps are not as willing to let anyone inspire them. Also other men actually enjoy a bit of 'resistance' to give them something to fight for (I'm 'other men'. Sometimes. Not if it's been over a week then I'm ready screw that inspiration from behind, no matter what the cost. Pardon my US.)
> 
> ...


I can't resist him, imp. He just constantly earns my trust. His kindness and empathy just break down my defenses. I am powerless before him, in a very mutually satisfying way.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> In electronics products demos we have what is known as the happy path. Heavily scripted demos that hardly reflect real use by real users. I'm sensing lots of that here.


We certainly have our arguments. I am not going to hide my feelings. And I'm going to express them however they come out. I think that kind of authenticity is very important, at least for us.

And his ability to not take my emotions personally, while also being willing to look at why I am upset with him, earns my respect and my trust. And that respect and trust is what allows me to emotionally connect with him. And those feelings of closeness translate to the physical.

If my husband were not strong enough to hear my feelings, just as stark as they may be at any particular time, I don't think I could respect him. I need to be able to look up to a man to have feelings of sexual attraction towards him. And I just don't think I could look up to a man if I felt I were stronger than he was.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> Ok but that reads like you think that the only reason other women don't let their husbands **** them is because the men have been jerks for years.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


When I think about the women who have mentioned this sort of thing to me in real life, I would agree that that is a good description of their situations.

Not that it is necessarily the only reason. But it does seem to be a big factor.

That does not mean it is necessarily true with what we read online. But real life experience is often going to influence our understanding of what we read, at least imo.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have learned to just inspire myself to find good partners who enjoy sex and don't treat it as a weapon, coercion or control. Works great !


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> I think if you knew him IRL, you would think differently.
> 
> Kivlor, I want to empower men. Too often they are encouraged towards a sense of victimhood here. It does them no favors. At least imo.
> 
> Really, empowerment is the name of the game for both sexes. It is freedom.


Then test it. 

Prove me wrong. Prove you right.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Then test it.
> 
> Prove me wrong. Prove you right.


Test what?

You mean not having sex for a year?

We would fail the test.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I think, jld, that what the men are trying to explai n is that they do all the right things... right according to what you have said, and even right according to their wives. But, not one of things leads to sex. Ever. 

I can understand how you feel about Dug, and how your relationship works. In fact, I k ow a few couples whose dynamics are similar to yours. I certainly do respect the husbands, and how they treat their wives. However, their personalities would drive me crazy on a day to day basis. I could not ever see myself married to a man like them. 

In one of your replies, you stated that Dug never takes your emotional outbursts to heart. He listens, but doesn't take them to heart. My husband is the opposite... and that is what I prefer. If my husband were to start treating me the way Dug treats you (which is NOT BAD at all!) it would infuriate me. Why? Because that is not the type of man *I* need. 

So, I guess what I am saying is that men can be told, even by their wives, what the "right things" are for them to do. They do them... and only get a lot of grief. So, what's the answer? I honestly don't know. They could divorce... or just stick with status quo. Neither is palatable, IMO, but they would need to choose which is more palatable of the bad options.

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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> I was thinking of women I know IRL, if their husbands were to come to TAM.
> 
> I don't think we ever heard from BB's or Anon's wife, btw.


We've heard all we need to know I'm afraid. When we get to the level of information they and others provided, and it's clear they're straight arrows themselves, I think we have all we need.

In one instance we did have a spouse come here and post. The results were pretty much right on. That was Mrs Copper Top...


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> Test what?
> 
> You mean not having sex for a year?
> 
> We would fail the test.


You sell yourself short. Look within. Within you is a fountain of strength, and it will ever bubble up if you will but dig. 

You have only but to claim that strength.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

john117 said:


> We've heard all we need to know I'm afraid. When we get to the level of information they and others provided, and it's clear they're straight arrows themselves, I think we have all we need.
> 
> In one instance we did have a spouse come here and post. The results were pretty much right on. That was Mrs Copper Top...


But he obviously wasn't good enough, or she would have surrendered that place between her legs.

See, always easy to twist it to be the man's fault. 

I can impersonate JLD effortlessly.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> You sell yourself short. Look within. Within you is a fountain of strength, and it will ever bubble up if you will but dig.
> 
> You have only but to claim that strength.


You are too funny.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> We've heard all we need to know I'm afraid. When we get to the level of information they and others provided, and it's clear they're straight arrows themselves, I think we have all we need.
> 
> In one instance we did have a spouse come here and post. The results were pretty much right on. That was Mrs Copper Top...


She was a strange one, I agree.

The other two I think we would have to hear from directly to truly understand the dysfunction from both sides.

I feel very sorry for Anon's wife. Two autistic kids is a lot for any mother to be dealing with.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I've been thinking on this topic. 

Maybe JLD is on to something. I think some of us probably need to be able to inspire, to supernaturally motivate our SO, because apparently nothing mundane is getting the job done.

Maybe we should try out some of those periodic infectious posts about "contact witch doctor shaka zulu for a spell to save your marriage." Nothing else is working for some folks. Might as well try throwing a "Hail Pan" or "Hail Astarte" or "Hail Freya". (I think "Hail Mary's" are inappropriate as perpetual virgins aren't exactly known for lewd and lascivious debauchery. In fact, praying to the wrong pantheon may be the issue here.)


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> yuck.




I mostly do the initiating, I love it and so does my partner, I normally spend a good few hours letting him know my intentions too. Not that he doesn't but for sure I'm the sexual predator out of us. 


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> But he obviously wasn't good enough, or she would have surrendered that place between her legs.
> 
> See, always easy to twist it to be the man's fault.
> 
> I can impersonate JLD effortlessly.


Goddamn, I laughed really hard at this.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

john117 said:


> We've heard all we need to know I'm afraid. When we get to the level of information they and others provided, and it's clear they're straight arrows themselves, I think we have all we need.
> 
> In one instance we did have a spouse come here and post. The results were pretty much right on. That was Mrs Copper Top...




What ever happened to Coppertop? 

The hard part of TAM is people disappear and the audience doesn't get closure!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

His wife accused him of some rather high crimes and misdemeanors, the Mr. Rogers judge guy delayed hearings till summer, in general, FML galore.


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