# Bad vs. incompatible significant others



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Another thread where the dissuasion of bad spouses and significant others vs incompatible spouses and significant others got me wondering what everyone's elses experience through life was. It's my guess that we meet and often time marry people that aren't necessarily bad people they just aren't compatible with us.

In my life I have had 5 serious long term relationships. Of those I would only consider one woman a bad person. So my list looks like this

High school sweetheart 5 years. We broke up because we just flat out had different views and philosophies on life. She wanted to stay in our same small town forever and I didnt. She didn't want kids and I did. She didn't want me entering my current career field and I wanted it. So we were not compatable for life but she was one of the most loyal women I ever knew. I do not think her bad or evil at all and from my understanding she got what she wants as did I.

X wife. Lasted 12 years total. I won't rehash everything but the highlight is she left me and our children for another man. I would not describe her as a good person, wife or mother. I absolutely think she is a bad and very selfish person who puts herself first in all things. I do recognize that some of that was her childhood drama which effected her later in life but don't allow that reasoning to excuse the wake of destruction she left through two families and 5 children's lives.


First GF post divorce lasted 6 months. She Was very controlling and wanted to control all my time, where I lived and who I had friendships with. She was not my cup of tea but I have no doubt she would make many men happy. I have male friends who want thier SO to control everything so it's not a stretch to say that.

Second GF 18 months. I really liked this girl and we were compatable on many levels but not time frame it seemed. Somewhere she got in her head that she was some sort of failure if she wasn't married again by 30. So it was a huge push to get married. I needed us to live together first and see how we worked that way. She wanted none of that and broke it off with me . I found out through a mutual friend that after we broke up she met and married a guy in 4 months so my suspicions that she only wanted to be married and not with me were confirmed. All that said I don't think she was a bad person. She just wanted to be married way faster than I wanted to be

Current GF 20 month. We live together and get along great. We do have some communication issues but all and all great relationship. 

So what are your experiences. Do you keep picking bad people or are more of them just not compatable with you?


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

No bad people. Incompatible all of them except my wife and that is why I did not marry them. 

Definitions 

Logical definitions 
On paper compatibility no way with wife
It just works compatibility yup with wife 

Time frame definitions
Initial compatibility yup 
Long haul compatibility jury still out

My wife and I are compatible for the following reasons which seems on paper it couldn't possibly work but so far (15 years) it has

1. I like warm hearted charismatic girly girls and she is one 
2. She likes me because Im awesome Hahaha
3. We are both very privately monogamously wild / naughty
4. We have the same values 

but 

1. I am an entrepreneur she is very low risk employee security type 
2. I am very physically active. She does not like to sweat
3. I am diplomatic IRL. She has a mouth and a temper in public
4. I am very ambitious. She an unserious fun lover
6. I am a homebody and intellectual. She is on the go and emotional

At times it's a night mare and she is a PITA and so am I but I miss her whenever she isn't around and she still makes my heart race and makes me smile when she isn't being a PITA. 

Do I wish she would not do some of the things hat drive me crazy? Yes but none of them make her a bad person. Back seat driving for example.

Incompatibilities all GFs times approximate 

1. 12 months thought she was missing something because we did dpend time with bad people (2 of these) 
2. 12 months was socially embarrassing to me for lack of grace/it nerdy
3. 12 months lost attraction when she was too emotionally unstable 
4. 12 months too dumb for me and socially awkward 
5. 5 years not sexual enough for me. Not as physically attracted as I wanted to be. Best of friends on my end. She loved me unfortunately
6. 6 months too dumb and wrong priorities


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

We use incompatible when we dont want to hate , the truth is that when discover a selfish partner we consider them incompatible bec we dont want to admit failure


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
sometimes incompatible really is incompatible. 

Back in college I briefly dated a woman I had known for some time. She was incredibly sexy - and she lusted after my body. We had very frequent, very enthusiastic sex. It was great fun for both of us.

Long term though she wanted a traditional lifestyle - kids, a dog, a house. I wanted different things. We both knew that from the beginning, and when she left me for someone who wanted the same things that she did, I was not at all offended. I was sad to have ended such a fun relationship, but not in any way angry at her. We are still friends and in touch on FB. She will occasionally tell me that I was the best lover she ever had - a lie I'm sure, but I'm flattered that she thinks its worth trying to make me feel good. 

She got her kids and a dog, and a loving husband. I got the life I wanted .


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I feel all people have a good side and all people have a bad side, whether we are actually compatible is another question. In my case, I married a man that I felt I was true compatible with but he was a cheat. He did not want to stop seeing his lady friend so that was a deal breaker for me and the marriage ended. I still see his good sides as well as his bad.

I was then engaged to marry but the man was very possessive and controlling. He too had his good side and his bad. Probably in all honesty we were not compatible.....our interests were too different and the years between us made it even more difficult.....we went our separate ways and it was for the best.

I have now been married for almost 23 years and while we seem to have a friendship our mutual interests are little. We have managed but ultimately I am not sure I would actually consider us compatible in the sense that I consider compatible.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

As I've told many people, my ex-husband is not a terrible human being. He's not Hitler, Jack the Ripper, or even Bin Laden. He is, however, a really, _really_, crappy husband. 

He was an emotionally unavailable husband, an absent and unengaged father and self-centered to be point of hilarity. To top it all off, it turned out that he was also a long-term serial cheater who wasn't even a little bit sorry about it. He's the sort of person who honestly blames me for being hurt by his infidelity - because I should never have found out about it. :slap: 

So, yes, we were incompatible. My idea of what a marriage should look like, and what he said he thought a marriage should look like were in perfect step. But, what he said he wanted from marriage and what he actually wanted were very different. 

Whether or not you would consider him bad, in addition to us simply being _profoundly_ incompatible, would depend on your own moral judgment. I figure it's possible that we were incompatible mostly because he's broken.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Interesting that the OP used the phrase "... they just aren't compatible with us." to describe incompatibility. 

Isn't it just as possible that we or I was not the compatible one.

I think compatibility and incompatibility is a shared trait in a relationship. By attributing compatibility to just one partner in a relationship - either oneself or the other person - lays all the responsibility one one person. I think success or failure is shared.

Yes, there are those, and many tales in this forum, who violate the trust of a relationship, who engage in destructive acts but that is not a matter of compatibility or incompatibility.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Zouz said:


> We use incompatible when we dont want to hate , the truth is that when discover a selfish partner we consider them incompatible bec we dont want to admit failure


True. Iaccept that my exH is passive-aggressive. So no amount of "open honest dialogue" was going to get us anywhere. 

I can think of 2 guys (one dated for 6 months and another for 2 years) who were users. and of course, pissed off at me because "I didn't go according to plan" ......


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maneo said:


> Interesting that the OP used the phrase "... they just aren't compatible with us." to describe incompatibility.
> 
> Isn't it just as possible that we or I was not the compatible one.


Incompatible is incompatible. It doesn't mean that ONE person isn't. It means that two people don't mesh well together for whatever reason.

Like Chris Rock says, you have to have commonalities/be compatible. "Two crackheads can last forever." TRUTH.

One person who lives a drugging lifestyle and a drugfree person who lives a quieter/simpler life are incompatible.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

I think there are very, very few "bad people" out there. The confluence of circumstances along with the dynamics of all people involved...who knows where that leads. People constantly refer to people as "selfish" like it's such an easy label: the fact is, that we have survived as a species is inextricably linked to our instincts and abilities to take care of ourselves. Sure, there's such thing as "societal good" and maybe there are some people who don't prioritize that highly, if at all, but no one should act like they're some selfless martyr. Examine closely, and I think you'll find that we all, ultimately, pursue most courses of action because they are to our OWN benefit. At best, we usually tend to do "strictly for others" if it's no skin off our back, but I don't think there are many people out there - myself included - that truly sacrifice their own happiness (and that's what we're ultimately talking about) for someone else's. There's a thread on here about what people like most about being married. That thread is littered with, "they put up with my crap," "they're there for me when I need them," etc... Not a lot of, "I just love waiting on them hand and foot," or even "I love being there for them when they need me." In my own MC/IC and in other discussions here, frequently hear talk of "having each person's needs fulfilled" in a marriage/relationship, they don't talk of how important it is for one person to BE FULFILLING the other person's needs. They view it from the "selfish" side.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Wolf, I like your posts. For some reason I thought had more recently gone through your divorce (hence the reason for joining in Feb 2014). Based on your length of relationships (and not accounting for any time in between) you've been divorced for almost 4 years or so. Just curious what brought you to TAM a year ago?

On topic: I don't think my exes were bad people. Broken character in some ways yes. We were incompatible and I ignored red flags and counted on love to conquer all. Got cheated on and left both times. I've finally learned my lesson.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

changedbeliefs said:


> *I think there are very, very few "bad people" out there. * The confluence of circumstances along with the dynamics of all people involved...who knows where that leads.


 Not sure if I would use the word BAD.. but I do feel there are plenty of dysfunctional behaviors , a lack of self awareness that prevents many from forming a healthy dynamic in intimacy with another....if they can even get that far.... due to past trauma, experiences that causes numbing, addictions, a fear of vulnerability.. and a whole host of issues..



> *People constantly refer to people as "selfish" like it's such an easy label*: the fact is, that we have survived as a species is inextricably linked to our instincts and abilities to take care of ourselves. Sure, there's such thing as "societal good" and maybe there are some people who don't prioritize that highly, if at all, but no one should act like they're some selfless martyr. *Examine closely, and I think you'll find that we all, ultimately, pursue most courses of action because they are to our OWN benefit. At best, we usually tend to do "strictly for others" if it's no skin off our back, but I don't think there are many people out there - myself included - that truly sacrifice their own happiness (and that's what we're ultimately talking about) for someone else's.* There's a thread on here about what people like most about being married. That thread is littered with, "they put up with my crap," "they're there for me when I need them," etc... Not a lot of, "I just love waiting on them hand and foot," or even "I love being there for them when they need me." In my own MC/IC and in other discussions here, frequently hear talk of "having each person's needs fulfilled" in a marriage/relationship, they don't talk of how important it is for one person to BE FULFILLING the other person's needs. They view it from the "selfish" side.


I specifically started my Compatibility thread on the realistic notion that YES... *we are ALL SELFISH.*.. can we just admit it already.. I said >> "Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making absolute sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows.... "

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

I do speak as though I ENJOY catering to my husband.. but this makes sense as our love languages are in the same order...(they say we are inclined to GIVE what we long to RECEIVE) We're both very affectionate/ naturally touchy /feely & enjoy spending our time together.. Logically I'd call us both very "commonsensical"..

Financially ..we are both savers... more home body-ish... both think sex is the highlight of the day, we both wanted family, have the same ideas on discipline, are more traditionally minded, both love the country, both safety conscious/ not the risk taking type.. like to have a plan before we proceed...both enjoy cuddling up to a movie together...I love his dry sense of humor & he seems to find me pretty funny too... I could go on.. but I'll stop..

Put me with a workaholic type who wanted to live in the big city & didn't want kids... would have never got off the ground.. though nothing is wrong with those things !!! 

There are 2 wonderful links to touch on these things.. all younger people considering marriage should evaluate each very carefully.. 

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> This is a fundamental issue and possibly the most important question here. It reaches into the heart of the relationship and addresses a matter basic for stability and longevity.
> ...


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I don't think anyone I dated was a "bad" person. The person that comes closest to that is my daughter's father. He has been in and out of jail and (thankfully) not really in her life. I don't think he is a really bad person....he is selfish and makes stupid decisions. I don't think my ex-husband was a bad person. I just don't think we were compatible. He doesn't seem to agree with that but I think part of that issue is that no one in his family gets divorced. I think he would have been fine staying together no matter how much we fought or didn't have sex.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Define bad. My first marriage I was arrogant and c0cky but I wasn't a bad person. At the same time my ex was selfish, naive, and entitled but she wasn't a bad person either. We were just really young and ill prepared for marriage. We divorced and she continued to be a crappy partner for others. But to me she was a respectful co-parent and a good mother so I can't throw her under the bus. I would however warn anyone dating someone who thinks the way she does. At the end of the day there's just no solution that makes selfish work with relationships.


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