# I'm a fool



## Mezzanine (Jul 22, 2021)

I've been dating this guy for 4 years. 
He was and still is the most kindhearted person I've met, and someone EVERYONE I know turns to when they need help and advice. 

But God, if he were only less ambitious, things would have been great for us! 
He told me (before we dated) that he couldn't devote enough time to dating due to his hectic schedule, but I was (still am??) a young, stubborn fool!! It's my stupid fault! 
I accepted having the relationship revolve around his crazy schedule - but I'm tired of experiencing the same emotions every week on repeat. Happy when we have contact, sad when I've to hold back because he's busy. 
We haven't texted for days since he's had work piled on him (even on weekends!!) How can anyone go on like this for years? It's torture for you, and any partner you have!


He rode through pouring rain to meet me a week ago, his bike giving up along the way, but he came to see me anyway. These are the times that make it hard to leave!
And I miss him still! I envy those who can spend quality time together. It physically hurts to not have that contact. To settle for a call after a week, or a short text after days.

I wish he would have been a terrible person, I would've got myself out of this mess earlier, instead I go through the sad- happy -sad stages with no end in sight.

I don't know how to give this up. It will break me.

I'm a fool.

(Sorry. Needed a place to vent.)


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## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

Mezzanine said:


> I've been dating this guy for 4 years.
> He was and still is the most kindhearted person I've met, and someone EVERYONE I know turns to when they need help and advice.
> 
> But God, if he were only less ambitious, things would have been great for us!
> ...



Sorry you're going through this! Ultimately you'll have to decide what's best for you, it doesn't sound like that relationship is working for you, though.

Are you sure he's being honest? Is he married or with someone else and keeping you on the side?

I don't care how busy work is, if I'm with someone for 4 years I'm going to be in touch with them daily.

Something seems off, sorry to say.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It it all work? Seems odd if he has to work all weekend as well. What is his job and where does he work?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I used to go on the road for two weeks, work 12-16 hour days 6 days straight, then drive home and back 8 hours round trip on my one day off just to have a few hours in and out of bed with my now wife. In the first few years we were dating.

When a guy wants a woman he finds the time.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

One thing struck me about your story. He rode his BIKE through the rain to see you.
How in hell is a guy who works as hard as this guy not got a car. Or cars!
I worked very long hours as a young man, often going months without having a day off but I was paid very well for my efforts.
I could understand these hours if he was starting in a new job but you’ve been together for four years and he still isn’t prioritizing your relationship.
You need to open your eyes and see this relationship for what it means to him, and him treating you as an option instead of a priority should be self explanatory.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mezzanine said:


> We haven't texted for days since he's had work piled on him (even on weekends!!) How can anyone go on like this for years?


I think you need to pose this question to yourself, since you have been putting up with it for years.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My H and I were long distance for a couple of years when we first started dating. What I thought was just going to be a summer fling for 3 mos when he was home for his summer break from grad school morphed into a long distance relationship. It was very hard and he was in a very difficult program that made it so I definitely wasn't his first priority during that time. I honestly think our relationship only worked because of the time in our lives when we met each other. I was also busy with my own schooling then and young and had a lot of my own life to live, so I could handle only seeing him a few times a month. 

I know the only reason we kept it up was because there was a hard date on the calendar when we knew it would end. During the really hard times we could tell ourselves "only X more months". It would have been unsustainable otherwise. And at my age now I wouldn't enter into a relationship again that was long distance. I'm not cut out for it, no matter how amazing the guy is. 

So you have some tough questions to ask yourself. Is there an end in sight? Can you live this way indefinitely? 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> One thing struck me about your story. He rode his BIKE through the rain to see you.
> How in hell is a guy who works as hard as this guy not got a car. Or cars!
> I worked very long hours as a young man, often going months without having a day off but I was paid very well for my efforts.
> I could understand these hours if he was starting in a new job but you’ve been together for four years and he still isn’t prioritizing your relationship.
> You need to open your eyes and see this relationship for what it means to him, and him treating you as an option instead of a priority should be self explanatory.


OP read this and then read it again. 

NEVER make ANYONE a priority, who only sees you as an option.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

frusdil said:


> OP read this and then read it again.
> 
> NEVER make ANYONE a priority, who only sees you as an option.



To be fair, though, he told her up front about this....

To be honest, most people that run their own companies will work endless hours...Especially now...Ive never worked harder and had longer hours since the pandemic began...There are other careers that are kinda the same...Long haul truckers, people that have jobs that involve a lot of travel, etc....

It could also be that he wants a girlfriend, but wants his "freedom"...That's fine, and it's all good as long as he is up front about it, but then he has to be ready to accept the potential consequences...There are some people that just won't stand for it...


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> One thing struck me about your story. He rode his BIKE through the rain to see you.
> How in hell is a guy who works as hard as this guy not got a car. Or cars!


IDK what country OP is in, cars are not as common in every country as they are in the USA. And in some societies you might work endless hours just to stay solvent. We need more info.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Mezzanine said:


> I've been dating this guy for 4 years.
> He was and still is the most kindhearted person I've met, and someone EVERYONE I know turns to when they need help and advice.
> 
> But God, if he were only less ambitious, things would have been great for us!
> ...


A couple has to be compatible on top of all other factors. 
Are you sure he is compatible for you?


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## Mezzanine (Jul 22, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> Are you sure he's being honest? Is he married or with someone else and keeping you on the side?
> 
> I don't care how busy work is, if I'm with someone for 4 years I'm going to be in touch with them daily.


Oh I know he's being honest. Him cheating is the last thing I need to worry about. (Although I suspect I share my spot as girlfriend with his other older lover, Basketball.) Moreover, we've both been hit on during our relationship and never shied away from talking about it.

I don't understand it either! I wish I'd realized it before we began dating that he doesn't need daily contact as much as I do. I do remember asking him how he 'experiences' the relationship when we're not together, and he told me that I'm always at the back of his mind, and when he's unoccupied.. free, I freely roam about his thoughts. That's great.. but doesn't make up for not spending time enough time with me..

I have to discuss this with him and get myself out of this limbo.


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## Mezzanine (Jul 22, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It it all work? Seems odd if he has to work all weekend as well. What is his job and where does he work?


He was a Financial Analyst working with owners of small companies for the past 4-5 years, and only recently was hired full time by an entertainment company. He told me that he needs to prove himself, and that means taking home work on the weekends  for now at least.


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## Mezzanine (Jul 22, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> IDK what country OP is in, cars are not as common in every country as they are in the USA. And in some societies you might work endless hours just to stay solvent. We need more info.


You're right. I'm not the US, I'm in South Asia. And bikes are much more common here, not to mention more convenient to travel in...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Have you considered finding someone else who has more time to offer you?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Just because someone is a good person, doesn’t always mean they are the right person for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You may need to ask him where he sees the relationship going. 4 years is a long time.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Just because someone is a good person, doesn’t always mean they are the right person for you.


Exactly. You and this guy, despite the fact that you are both good people, have a HUGE incompatibility. This huge incompatibility existed before you started dating, has continued for the 4 years you have been dating, and will still be continuing 3 decades from now. Be thankful you didn't marry, and move on.



Mezzanine said:


> I don't know how to give this up.


Untrue. You do know how.



Mezzanine said:


> It will break me.


Says who ? Untrue # 2. Yes, it may make you sad for a time, but your statement that it will "break" you is hyperbolical, and borne of fear.



Mezzanine said:


> I'm a fool.


Then, I suppose that Milton S. Hershey was, too. He filed for bankruptcy twice over the failure of his cocoa-driven enterprises. I'll bet some people even told him he was. His choice to sharpen up his strategy and take another go at it is now recorded as one of the great American success stories.

You actually have two GOOD choices here.....behind door #1 is a life with a good man and his hectic schedule..... behind door # 2 could be life with a good man who might wish to spend more time with you.....hell, behind door # 3 might be a good man who would make the choice himself to spend more time with you if he recognized he'd lose you if he didn't......


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## Mezzanine (Jul 22, 2021)

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. It feels great to have a space to vent and be heard.

I will be bringing this up the next time we meet. I don't know what will come of it, but I don't want to continue experiencing this absence when I'm still young and the dating scene still so new to me. I will prioritize enjoying myself, and hopefully find (compatible) companionship along the way..


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