# Linked in Website Invitations



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

My husband has a history of befriending female co-workers and I have asked him repeatedly to pls stop. Last week he went to an award show and met a younger female who invited him to "stay connected" using linked in website. He responded saying he enjoyed their conversations and he was sure they would meet again at future events. They are in very different business lines so it is not a business contact. Don't you think this is yet another example of crossing boundaries that I would not cross?
He is 51 she is 27 and not in a line of work that would benefit my husbands line of work. So my conclusion is the contact is personal on a business contact website! Don't you think? She really admired his winning of the award and I think his ego ate it up! I don't befriend men and I am so tired of this....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LinkedIn is a professional networking site. I am connected to a lot of people in my industry via LinkedIn. I suppose any connection could be used for bad purposes.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you want to enforce a boundary by restricting him from using linkedin, do so.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I am just tired of having to explain to him that there are boundaries in relationships with other women. Linked in is for business contacts. Because her business has absolulely nothing to do with his business I don't see why he accepted the invitation....and why he said he was sure they would see eachother again at other events. This was a personal connection. They made a connection and they are using "linked in" as a means of staying in contact when there is no need for contact. He could have denied or just accepted the invitation but he went into depth as to how nice it was to meet her etc etc. blah blah blah. I am upset I am his wife I should have been invited to this event.

He doesn't get the boundary thing! he continues to befriend women even after I have asked him not to ssooooo many times!


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> LinkedIn is a professional networking site. I am connected to a lot of people in my industry via LinkedIn. I suppose any connection could be used for bad purposes.


yes you are connected to people "in your industry" not just any Joe blow you meet at a party...even linked in can be used as a means of clandestine meetings


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Here is an alternative view to consider. You might not like me afterwords but I am only trying to help you understand what else might be going on.

I think your view of what is and is not a valuable contact and what encouraging comments are made in a professional setting and why she was at an award ceremony if their industries have no relation whatsoever is quite naive. 

I also think it is very possible he did not invite you to this event because he sees you as a predictable nag and your naive view of what is a valuable professional connection is naive and therefore intrusive and risky to say the least to include you at a professional event sporting a jealous spouse. That would make him look stupid in front of professional collegues.

That being said, my wife gently asked me to not to respond to a particular females facebook posts because she had a reputation among her girlfriends that made comments to here that she was embarrassed by. I said no problem and have not done so since because I feel it is my job to make my wife feel secure.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

NoIssues said:


> Here is an alternative view to consider. You might not like me afterwords but I am only trying to help you understand what else might be going on.
> 
> I think your view of what is and is not a valuable contact and what encouraging comments are made in a professional setting and why she was at an award ceremony if their industries have no relation whatsoever is quite naive.
> 
> ...


So to clarify you think I am naive in thinking this could be a valuable business contact and that I was left home because I am a predictable nag and could be imbarassing in a business setting? Wow aren't you sweet? If that is what you are saying you really don't know me do you? I am far from a nag rather a long suffering abused wife and I was naive until about two years ago when my husbands true nature came out believe me in flying colours. My question is about boundaries when making relationships with other women regardless of the forum. By the way even my husband agrees when asked that this is not a business connection rather he claims she is "collecting " peolpe.(however he agreed did't he?) Yes because this breed like to collect and be collected.

What I am beginning to realize is that even Linked In is a type of contact collection database that people use as an ego building tool. Ie. the more connections you have the more successful you appear. Twitter the more followers you have the more successful and popular you are. Facebook "friends". I beg to differ as to how many friends people actually have. They are all "collections" to make "self" look more important thus more valuable to others and to themselves. I am sure you must have alot of friends on Facebook no? You want a friend... have a conversation into their eyes and one that is more than a sentence long.....thanks for your input but I think you are wrong on this one. I am lovely to be around and would have loved the award show/drinks and appetizers. It would have been lovely to share his accomplishment with him. Hell maybe we could have "linked in" after we got home!


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

amanda1959 said:


> So to clarify you think I am naive in thinking this could be a valuable business contact and that I was left home because I am a predictable nag and could be imbarassing in a business setting?
> 
> _*What I attempted to portray is there are many alternative views to your own and to mine. Here is another.
> 
> ...


I meant no offense. I am sure you are lovely but you might have a chip on your shoulder about endurring the dolts that are the overzealous networking dolts at professional events. Id like to throw them all on the lake. 

Had I been more suave, we would likely agree totally. For what its worth, I take my wife to all professional events and she understands part of the deal is the endless back slapping and drivel and she is a pro like your husband and then we throw up a little on the way home, take a shower to get all the frosting off and then go have a nice evening somewhere quiet or with genuine friends.

im sorry your husband hurt your feelings by not inviting you. you should have been there. 

Peace


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

on Linkedin there is a messaging feature. In the upper right hand corner you can change the box to show Inbox. Then put her name there. If there are any messages in there(that he has not deleted) you will see how "linkedin" they try to stay. My ex husband and his skunk worked together. I did not realize the potential of linkedin until about 6 months later after my suspicions started when I found a message that he modified from the standard greeting something along the lines: Hi My Skunk I would like to add you as Linkedin connection. Your my now exH. If I had found that message earlier I would have not even needed to go all the way to putting a keylogger on his computer, GPS in the car etc.

Now I have had Linkedin for more than 7 years. Most of my connections are related to the few industries I have been involved in but I do have few connections that are not directly involved in my profession but these are people I know and my now ex husband knew. The whole idea about Linkedin is that even your own friends may have connections that maybe valuable to your profile on there but then again you are not to go and Link with any Joe and Doe out there.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Yes, even LinkedIn can be problematic.

But go try to prove it. Keep an eye on the situation. He probably sucked the compliments up but she may only be trying to get a biz connection. A little sleazy but maybe nothing in the end.

Best of luck!


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I_Will_Survive said:


> He probably sucked the compliments up
> 
> _*Is there something wrong with enjoying a compliment? :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


Agreed. :smthumbup:


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Here is an alternative view to consider. You might not like me afterwords but I am only trying to help you understand what else might be going on.
> 
> I think your view of what is and is not a valuable contact and what encouraging comments are made in a professional setting and why she was at an award ceremony if their industries have no relation whatsoever is quite naive.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Sorry


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

KanDo said:


> :iagree: Sorry


Id's like to know what was done to shake this lady's confidence in this guy, and I don't like the sexist language used to describe as a "nag" a person that these male posters don't even know; and why the hell is that word seldom used to refer to males? He the H, should not be going to places and being "collected" by other women, and if it bothers his wife, he needs to stop doing it. This is about building trust in a relationship. If a person is committed to the relationship they will do what is necessary to make it stronger. That includes staying away from young females who are not his wife, and not going places where 'collecting" is likely to occur without his wife. Weather she is a "nag" or not.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

oaksthorne said:


> Id's like to know what was done to shake this lady's confidence in this guy, and I don't like the sexist language used to describe as a "nag" a person that these male posters don't even know; and why the hell is that word seldom used to refer to males? He the H, should not be going to places and being "collected" by other women, and if it bothers his wife, he needs to stop doing it. This is about building trust in a relationship. If a person is committed to the relationship they will do what is necessary to make it stronger. That includes staying away from young females who are not his wife, and not going places where 'collecting" is likely to occur without his wife. Weather she is a "nag" or not.


Thank you yes especially after what we have been through


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I_Will_Survive said:


> Yes, even LinkedIn can be problematic.
> 
> But go try to prove it. Keep an eye on the situation. He probably sucked the compliments up but she may only be trying to get a biz connection. A little sleazy but maybe nothing in the end.
> 
> Best of luck!


Yes most likely just flattery going on


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> I don't like the sexist language used to describe as a "nag" a person that these male posters don't even know;
> 
> _*Gimme a break. Wussy, wimp, prick is reserved for males so relax with the soap box.
> 
> ...


Again see prick, wussy, wimp (words never used to describe a female). 

I think tjis thread clearly dommnstrates that some wives (and husbands) dont get the necessities of business tradition when they have issues to work out and will therefore be left at home. I know some husbands dont get it also. I admit that as many male members of TAM do. 

Now its your turn to admit your not seeing the other side of it. Rather you want to add to the confusion by nagging about the word nag because its sexist, exactly like the sexist words wuss, wimp and prick used by some to describe some men. 

Peace


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

if your husband has problems with boundries and you do not trust him, it doesnt matter if its linked in, facebook, craigslist, reunion.com, yahoo/msn instant messenger, mylife, etc..etc...etc... and that sample list doesn't even begin to bring in the ease of creating false profiles, disposable phones, alternate email accounts, on a billion other available venues for hooking up...

The means for someone seeking to have there needs met, or to seek attention from other men/women are everywhere... 

No one deserves to spend their lives chasing, monitoring and obsessing over how, where, when and if there spouse is cheating... 

You will never be able to babysit or monitor every available means of communication between your husband and other women... 

It's akin to someone focusing on all the ways an alcoholic could find a drink... the problem is not the newest liquer store they just built down the street... 

Address and treat the problem. The problem is not technology.

The problem is you dont trust your husband.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

When I was caught in my EA, I deleted all accounts on social sites like FB, Linkin, Classmates, etc. 

Personal or business, they can be used for EA purposes.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Amanda:

From a BS... I have to say that I don't really see an issue with your H's behavior. 

I know that I've received LinkedIn requests from random people who want to use my slightly superior business position as a "business connection". They don't care about getting to know me better or being friends - they are just connected by LinkedIn, in case they could use that connection professionally.

I've done the same. I am a 32 year old woman who has also sent similar requests to much older, more professionally connected people who are not in my industry... because of their professional connections, which could open doors to me in another industry that I'd like to get into.

If he also befriends her on multiple other social networking forums... or has her phone number in his phone... then start worrying. Otherwise, I have to say that it is nothing but a low level professional trying to have a connection with a top dog so that she can throw out a name when she needs it.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Lovebug501 said:


> Amanda:
> 
> From a BS... I have to say that I don't really see an issue with your H's behavior.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I use LinkedIn extensively and in many cases, it's the virtual equivalent of accepting business cards. The social norm is to accept invitations to connect and in all likelihood, never "connect" again. Just like the old business cards--you accept it and either put it in the file thing or toss it. Either way, it's easier to stuff it in your pocket than refuse it outright.

LinkedIn is just not a system set up to facilitate the same kind of social interaction that things like Facebook are. Even the response that your husband sent is pretty canned. When sending or receiving an invitation, I use about the same formula: greeting, where you met, what you had in common, looking forward to speaking again. I'd have been concerned if he'd said something personal like her looking smoking in that dress or actually arranging future contact.

And truly, the more connections that you have, the more people you are able to see and connect with through other networks, so it's a mutual advantage to establish more connections in your network. 

You aren't ever going to be able to control what other people say to him, wear around him, email or text to him, or ultimately--his response to those things. I think you're probably going to have to decide to either be in or out of your marriage because as it stands, you're going to exhaust both of your patience and ruin whatever hope there might be for building a new future together.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

YupItsMe said:


> Again see prick, wussy, wimp (words never used to describe a female).
> 
> I think tjis thread clearly dommnstrates that some wives (and husbands) dont get the necessities of business tradition when they have issues to work out and will therefore be left at home. I know some husbands dont get it also. I admit that as many male members of TAM do.
> 
> ...


I love how you ripped into Oaksthorne and sign off with PEACE!
oh and by the way if I am not mistaken and right after we made peace you refer to me as a naive nag again maybe you should be "left at home"! what are you a prick? LOL


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

The problem is you dont trust your husband.[/QUOTE]

Yes I am more of an insecure puppy than a naive nag that's for sure. However I am "well trained" and I am allowed "out" as opposed to "being left at home". Hell I haven't pissed on anyones leg in a long time.LOL


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Lovebug501 said:


> Amanda:
> 
> From a BS... I have to say that I don't really see an issue with your H's behavior.
> 
> ...


Thank you Lovebug that makes sense.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I use LinkedIn extensively and in many cases, it's the virtual equivalent of accepting business cards. The social norm is to accept invitations to connect and in all likelihood, never "connect" again. Just like the old business cards--you accept it and either put it in the file thing or toss it. Either way, it's easier to stuff it in your pocket than refuse it outright.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

amanda1959 said:


> The problem is you dont trust your husband.





> Yes I am more of an insecure puppy than a naive nag that's for sure. However I am "well trained" and I am allowed "out" as opposed to "being left at home". Hell I haven't pissed on anyones leg in a long time.LOL


Actually, I think the point here was well made. The behavior you mention here may not probably not a big issue (as a number of posters have explained which is consistent with my experience). But none of that matters if you don't trust him, because you won't believe the innocent explanation. I don't know your story, so I don't know if your behavior is reasonable or not, just that I agree that trust is this issue.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Actually, I think the point here was well made. The behavior you mention here may not probably not a big issue (as a number of posters have explained which is consistent with my experience). But none of that matters if you don't trust him, because you won't believe the innocent explanation. I don't know your story, so I don't know if your behavior is reasonable or not, just that I agree that trust is this issue.


yes trust is the issue...in my case I still don't trust his judgement even when it is seemingly innocent behaviour such as accepting a Linked In invitation....sorry I'm jaded in this marriage. It's happened too many times. I just can not go through another female business associate becoming his friend.
I do not befriend male colleagues...never have...I draw a distinct line in the sand. Once several years ago he was very close friends with a female he worked with. I flew to Orlando to spend some time during a conference. Our first afternoon in Orlando we spent in her hotel room viewing all the gifts she had bought her children. I would have preferred having a drink with my husband by the pool. This friend later also rented my family cottage all without meeting me (just him). Yes she was with her husband and kids but this is an example of how his "boundaries" are less defined than mine. He makes female friends out of business associates. Some people see that as OK I guess.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

:smthumbup:


amanda1959 said:


> I love how you ripped into Oaksthorne and sign off with PEACE!
> 
> _*And I love sarcasm. Thats debate to me countering what were several totally absurd comments. Characterizing that as ripping into to her is as inaccurate as characterizing your husbands innocent partaking in annoying but albeit common professional exchanges as deceit.*_
> 
> oh and by the way if I am not mistaken and right after we made peace you refer to me as a naive nag again maybe you should be "left at home"! what are you a prick? LOL


Sometimes :smthumbup:

I know its no picnic being suspicious of someone that has betrayed you in the past. I didnt want you making a different problem by suspecting that which is likely not an issue.

That can further complicate what is already a difficult relationship and drive a stake thru the heart of any possible future resolution.

I wish you all the best. oh and ....

Peace


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

AAHHH a peaceful prick! 
ps. I will try hard not to be Nelly the Nag.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

amanda1959 said:


> AAHHH a peaceful prick!
> ps. I will try hard not to be Nelly the Nag.


:smthumbup:


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> Again see prick, wussy, wimp (words never used to describe a female).
> 
> I think tjis thread clearly dommnstrates that some wives (and husbands) dont get the necessities of business tradition when they have issues to work out and will therefore be left at home. I know some husbands dont get it also. I admit that as many male members of TAM do.
> 
> ...


I am stunned by how totally and completely you missed the point. There is no other side of it, when trust building is the issue. A woman is not a "nag" because she wants, and has a right to have her H behave in a way that inspires trust;neither is a man a "wuss" for not behaving in a way that disregards her rights.And I , (a professional woman with a high IO) am not" nagging" about this. I am discussing it on a forum, and I still don't appreciate the sexist language!. When the words that you mention are used with reference to males they are usually used by other males who don't think one of their own is sufficiently aggressive to wards females. Those words generally( with one exception) refer to a certain part of the female anatomy, and are used to denigrate the male for being too feminine( supposed to be construed as an insult). The word Nag is also used to classify the female as an irritating complainer when she asks for something to which she may have a perfect right, or in my case when she expresses an opposing view.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> I am stunned by how totally and completely you missed the point.


Im am also stunned. In fact its worse than that.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

amanda1959 said:


> yes trust is the issue...in my case I still don't trust his judgement even when it is seemingly innocent behaviour such as accepting a Linked In invitation....sorry I'm jaded in this marriage. It's happened too many times. I just can not go through another female business associate becoming his friend.
> I do not befriend male colleagues...never have...I draw a distinct line in the sand. Once several years ago he was very close friends with a female he worked with. I flew to Orlando to spend some time during a conference. Our first afternoon in Orlando we spent in her hotel room viewing all the gifts she had bought her children. I would have preferred having a drink with my husband by the pool. This friend later also rented my family cottage all without meeting me (just him). Yes she was with her husband and kids but this is an example of how his "boundaries" are less defined than mine. He makes female friends out of business associates. Some people see that as OK I guess.


Amanda1959 I know exactly where you are coming from. My WW is the same way. I could give examples and talk about this for an hour or longer but will say this. They don't care about boundaries. My wife has none I have found out by being in her place of employment dozens of times and seeing her behavior when she didn't know I was there. And being other places with her and men I have never seen before come up and talk very friendly to her like they have been friends for life. And some guys don't care how they come across to her even in front of her husband. Come to find out those guys are customers at the retail giant she works at. And the old saying rings true most of the time, 'Where there is smoke,there is fire'.
If your husband is that interested in other womens friendship and compliments...in my opinion he is interested in more. ESPECIALLY since he knows you don't want him doing that.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Regarding professionalism my H is a respected professional in his field. He has very strong personal boundaries through his own choice. Should a female colleague want to go to lunch or a drink or 'network', he would and has said, 'I'm a married man and I wouldn't appreciate it if my wife went out one-on-one with a man, so I don't do that to her'. Group setting, different story. I don't request he do this, it's his choice. It earns him MORE respect than harms him. He has the type of personality that makes him a leader and not a folloewer.
Regarding your H, if he has other boundary issues, I'd be annoyed. Not being included in his awards night is hurtful too.
Neither my H nor myself partake in after-hours social events that don't welcome spouses. My work gets enough of my time. I don't have to attend non-paid after-hours functions to get ahead. H and I do that by beimg honest and hard-working, not by kissing butt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Regarding professionalism my H is a respected professional in his field. He has very strong personal boundaries through his own choice. Should a female colleague want to go to lunch or a drink or 'network', he would and has said, 'I'm a married man and I wouldn't appreciate it if my wife went out one-on-one with a man, so I don't do that to her'. Group setting, different story. I don't request he do this, it's his choice. It earns him MORE respect than harms him. He has the type of personality that makes him a leader and not a folloewer.
> Regarding your H, if he has other boundary issues, I'd be annoyed. Not being included in his awards night is hurtful too.
> Neither my H nor myself partake in after-hours social events that don't welcome spouses. My work gets enough of my time. I don't have to attend non-paid after-hours functions to get ahead. H and I do that by beimg honest and hard-working, not by kissing butt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There you go!


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