# What happened?



## unhappylady (Oct 31, 2008)

I have been married for three years and almost from the beginning all intimacy has been non-existant. We are like polite roomates or strangers in the same house. He never touches me except for a quick peck on the lips and an occasional hug. He wont rub my shoulders, legs, or give me a massage. We never see each other undressed. We have had sex one time this year. I feel so unloved and unappreciated. Before we got married we both talked about having a marriage that we dreamed about, one where we could be devoted to each other. I feel like I am getting nothing from this relationship. I cook, clean, pay most of the bills because I have a larger income than he does and that's ok because I knew this from the beginning. But I need a little support. I'm not sure where to turn. Please help me if you have any suggestions.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unhappylady said:


> He never touches me except for a quick peck on the lips and an occasional hug. He wont rub my shoulders, legs, or give me a massage. We never see each other undressed. We have had sex one time this year. I feel so unloved and unappreciated.


If you dont have any kids i think you should leave.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You need to communicate to him in a non offensive way. "I need help cooking and cleaning the house. Because I work as much as you I shouldn't have to do all of this stuff. I also need more affection in our relationship. It is something I crave, need and want."

draconis


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## unhappylady (Oct 31, 2008)

I do only work part-time and he works full-time, so I don't mind doing more of the housework. But I feel like I am doing all of the giving and never get anything back. I though two married people should take care of each other. I feel like I got nothing from our marriage except more bills and a broken heart. It has killed my self esteem. I am a breast cancer survivor and I feel like this is a turn off to him. Please offer me some advice or I'm not sure what is going to happen


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im married to a man that is only half interested in sex with me. but he still loves to touch me and cuddle and all those other things. even just the fact that he doesnt seem to be attracted to me is killing me. its really hard to work through and deal with. but to be with someone that doesnt even want to touch you or kiss you or even those basic things, that's a huge issue. There is so much you'll have to work through and struggle through if you stay with him. not only will you have to push him to work through is issues, but then you'll have to deal with what this is doing to you. I mean, we're talking years, and years of feeling the way you feel.


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## unhappylady (Oct 31, 2008)

We are both in our early 60's. I thought that by the time you reached this age all of these problems would be non-existant. I long so much just for a human touch - something.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

unhappylady said:


> I do only work part-time and he works full-time, so I don't mind doing more of the housework. But I feel like I am doing all of the giving and never get anything back. I though two married people should take care of each other. I feel like I got nothing from our marriage except more bills and a broken heart. It has killed my self esteem. I am a breast cancer survivor and I feel like this is a turn off to him. Please offer me some advice or I'm not sure what is going to happen



You can still say "I work part time and you work full time, but I feel like I do all of the housework. I would like to have some help where it is possible."

As for not feeling sexy enough, My god you survived breast cancer. Dojn't let this guy get you down. Talk to him and tell him what you want.

If you are in your 60's maybe he just doesn't have the labido anymore.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unhappylady said:


> We are both in our early 60's. I thought that by the time you reached this age all of these problems would be non-existant. I long so much just for a human touch - something.


what do you do for fun? do you ever go out without him?


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## unhappylady (Oct 31, 2008)

Sometimes I go shopping with a girlfriend that's about it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

What do you like to do? is there anything you wish you were doing (besides sex ) that you arent? do you take care of yourself?


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## unhappylady (Oct 31, 2008)

I can't ask him for anything now because I feel like it would be an imposition to him and he would only be doning it because he had to. So, where do I go from here?


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## unhappylady (Oct 31, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> What do you like to do? is there anything you wish you were doing (besides sex ) that you arent? do you take care of yourself?


I would love to travel with my husband. But I would have to initiate it and pay for all of it. Yes I take very good care of myself, makeup, hair. I may have gained 6 0r 7 lbs. since we got married.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unhappylady said:


> I can't ask him for anything now because I feel like it would be an imposition to him and he would only be doning it because he had to. So, where do I go from here?


Ya i totally know what you mean. i saw the movie fireproof with my H and asked him what he thought about getting the book and he said, ya he wants to get it. but he never did. so i brought it up again last night and i guess he ordered it but it just doesnt mean much to me anymore. 

For me, i spent a long time engaged in the dysfunction of my relationship. I tried to get my H to do things and talked until i was blue in the face. but these days, i pay more attention to me. its helped me tremendously. my relationship still sucks, and that is very sad for me, but its not the end of the world like it used to be.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unhappylady said:


> I would love to travel with my husband.


Ok that's good but lets call that plan B. what do you like to do just you? not necessarily with your H? 

Like for me, I love roller coaster rides and would love to go sky diving.


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## unhappylady (Oct 31, 2008)

I'm afraid I have nothing I like to do anymore. I am so distraught over my marriage that I can't not think of one thing I would like to do.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

roller coasters and skydiving both sound cool. go skydive! that'll get your blood flowing!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unhappylady said:


> I'm afraid I have nothing I like to do anymore. I am so distraught over my marriage that I can't not think of one thing I would like to do.


Ya that's a problem. but its a problem you'll have to fix. If you dont have any other things you enjoy in life then you will end up relying very heavily on this one thing. When you dont get this one thing your world will collapse b/c its all you have. But in reality, you've created the magnitude of pain it brings in your life. Im not saying its not painful what you are going through, and that it wont hurt that your H is so distant, and that it doesnt suck terribly not to receive affection and intimacy from your spouse, but there are many, many more things in life that can bring love into your world. You just have to find them.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

ljtseng said:


> Ya that's a problem. but its a problem you'll have to fix. If you dont have any other things you enjoy in life then you will end up relying very heavily on this one thing. When you dont get this one thing your world will collapse b/c its all you have. But in reality, you've created the magnitude of pain it brings in your life. Im not saying its not painful what you are going through, and that it wont hurt that your H is so distant, and that it doesnt suck terribly not to receive affection and intimacy from your spouse, but there are many, many more things in life that can bring love into your world. You just have to find them.


:iagree:

You can't or should not rely just on your husband to bring you happiness. Not that he can't be an important factor, but diversifying makes more sense.

draconis


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## Guest (Nov 2, 2008)




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## storyboardlife (Oct 31, 2008)

unhappy, It seems to be pretty central here about what is going on. Once you got married it isn't about your wants and desires or even his wants and desires but the protection and nurturing of the relationship. You said that you make more money than he does and work less of the time. Most men HATE THAT. it makes them feel inadequate on so many levels. The funny thing is that even if you do pay for your dates he might not like that either because you are still paying for it and it just shows that he isn't providing financial stability for you two. 

If you only have a part time job then just do that house work part time. Question: If he was working part time making more money would you be okay he never cleaned up the house until you came home? Well, do some of the work. 

If you want him to help then ask him, "Hey dear, would you like to help me wash the dishes so you can tell me about your day?" 
You got to LOVE ON HIM, LOVE ON HIM, AND LOVE ON HIM SOME MORE. He isn't abusing you. Fine maybe he isn't touching you the way that you would like him to so love on him in a way that he knows that he is love and cherished. Get him a card (or anything that is meaningful to him) and let him know how proud you are to have him as a husband because he works so hard for you. 

As far as having something to do: yes it is important to take time for yourself. In fact, if you want to go walk in the park, ask him if he would like to go. If he says no then you still go and tell him that you'll look forward to seeing him when you get back. 

Don't ever nag. Ask once or twice and that's it. I know that this is difficult but love is about creating an environment for the betterment of the one that you are loving and the relationship.


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