# husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!



## MEM20200916 (Jun 12, 2017)

Hi, my situation is even worse. I just found out my hubby who I have been marrying for 25 years, have been cheating on me for 15 years!!!

He had one affair for 10 years, one for 2 years, and one for 1 year.

All my kids are grownup and we are both financially independent. What should I do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@MEM20200916 

What do you want to do? 

Did you know about each of the affairs as they were going on? Or did you just find out?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So sorry about what is happening to you. Even worse than what?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

MEM20200916 said:


> Hi, my situation is even worse. I just found out my hubby who I have been marrying for 25 years, have been cheating on me for 15 years!!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Run. Fast. What a complete ass! I'm so sorry, omg. If I were u, is kick his ass out and go do things u have always wanted to do. Do things for u. That guy is a selfish ass. Loves only himself it seems.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

15 years of your life have been lie. I don't think I could continue being married after finding that out.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

MEM20200916 said:


> He had one affair for 10 years, one for 2 years, and one for 1 year.


Did this all come out at once... recently?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Considering how long these affairs have been going on.....you are the affair partner...to the POS'COW's

What really hurts is the fact that his penis has spent so much time 'inside' other women. And then he brings it home for you to enjoy, afterwards and after-words of endearment.... to them....Yuk!

Dump him! 

Take him for all he is worth....on paper. 

In the flesh, he is a two-bit floozy boy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Something doesn't add up, but unless there is some overwhelming reason to stay, I'd suggest kicking him out and filing for divorce.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Considering how long these affairs have been going on.....you are the affair partner...to the POS'COW's
> 
> What really hurts is the fact that his penis has spent so much time 'inside' other women. And then he brings it home for you to enjoy, afterwards and after-words of endearment.... to them....Yuk!
> 
> ...




Amen to that. Couldn't have said it better myself.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MEM2020, really sorry you are discovering this after do long.

Would you tell us if you have children, their ages, what actually happened. Are you financially self sufficient, how did you find out?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Something doesn't add up, but unless there is some overwhelming reason to stay, I'd suggest kicking him out and filing for divorce.


Being middle aged, I've seen a lot of people marry and stay married while the children are minors, have their affairs, and then end the marriage by telling or letting their spouse find out " accidentally" once the youngest is no longer dependent. I wonder if that's what happened here.

OP, how long have you known about the affairs? Did the discovery come soon after the youngest reached independence?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MEM20200916 said:


> What should I do?


What do you want to do?

Continue to be played for a fool for another few decades or move on with your life with your dignity intact. 

How much is self respect worth to you? He's proven who he is. Any attempt at "R" is just deluding yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is a lifestyle for him. That doesn't go away. I know a guy who was looking for women a week after he was married. He just assumed it was his right as a guy. I know many other men who regularly travel to other places and line up hookers for every trip.

Are you thinking you just don't really know the real him?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> It is a lifestyle for him. That doesn't go away. I know a guy who was looking for women a week after he was married. He just assumed it was his right as a guy. I know many other men who regularly travel to other places and line up hookers for every trip.
> 
> Are you thinking you just don't really know the real him?




My god that person sounds awful. His right is a man? How would he feel as if his wife did that? Probably throw a **** fit. Sounds like something out of the middle ages to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> My god that person sounds awful. His right is a man? How would he feel as if his wife did that? Probably throw a **** fit. Sounds like something out of the middle ages to me.


You'd be surprised how many men are that way. My H works with almost exclusively men, and he tells me everything that goes on - whether I want to hear it or not, lol.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Indeed there are men like that (thankfully not all). They still consider it their right as a man to cheat -- although women aren't supposed to -- because that's how it's always been. The double standard is still alive and well in some people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Indeed there are men like that (thankfully not all). They still consider it their right as a man to cheat -- although women aren't supposed to -- because that's how it's always been. The double standard is still alive and well in some people.


When I told my MIL that I was divorcing her son because he cheated, her response was that it was his right as a man to cheat.


Of course her husband, ex's father, openly cheated on her the entire marriage. And she divorced him because of it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MEM20200916 said:


> Hi, my situation is even worse. I just found out my hubby who I have been marrying for 25 years, have been cheating on me for 15 years!!!
> 
> He had one affair for 10 years, one for 2 years, and one for 1 year.
> 
> All my kids are grownup and we are both financially independent. What should I do?


There are really 2 questions you need to address. Once the facts are known, no one, not even your grown children would think you are wrong to divorce him.

The first question you need to answer is does he regret his actions to the point that he will be able to overcome his true nature and stop cheating on you? If he confessed his actions to you out of guild then maybe, but the odds are against him changing, unless something really scared him.

The second question you need to answer is what do you want for your future and is he a positive aspect of that future, even if he continues to cheat? In short would you be happier with or without him?

What he did was inexcusable. Do what every you want.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I've never heard a guy say, "It was his right to cheat". Why would you hide it if it's your right?

However, I've met plenty that didn't give a crap about their wives and THAT'S why they cheat(ed).

There's a BIG difference between those statements. The former implies some type of ignorance.

And they ALL knew what they were doing was complete wrong. They were just selfish turds.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> , my situation is even worse. I just found out my hubby who I have been marrying for 25 years, have been cheating on me for 15 years!!!
> 
> He had one affair for 10 years, one for 2 years, and one for 1 year.
> 
> All my kids are grownup and we are both financially independent. What should I do?


IMO the top three to consider in dealing with a long term betrayer Are:

1	Your emotional well being
2	Your children
3	Your financial situation


*Your emotional well being:*
I can see no way that your long term emotional wellbeing will not deteriorate if you stay with your betraying husband…He has proved for a very long time that he has no loyalty, honesty, love, and respect for you and that will take a very heavy toll on your emotions if you compromise and stay with him


*Your children*
Your children are grown and you can provide them more emotional support and have a better closer relationship with them if you are not devastated…All good children love a good mother even if she divorces their cheating father.


*Your financial situation*
You are financially independent so there is no way that finances can be an excuse to stay in a marriage that will take much more away from you than what he will give to you.

You have been treated very poorly and without love and respect for a very long time…If you stay with him you will become an emotional weakling and are be very unhappy IMO… if you get him out of your life you are going to hurt just for a while but if you keep him you will have hurt for a lifetime. In time you can do much better without him.

*Do not become a door mat; you are worth a LOT more than that!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MEM where are you? No further response?


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## MEM20200916 (Jun 12, 2017)

Hi thank you for your reply. He begged me, cried a lot...kept promising that he won't do it again!!!


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

MEM20200916 said:


> Hi thank you for your reply. He begged me, cried a lot...kept promising that he won't do it again!!!


It's going to require a radical change in his lifestyle, where he has shown that he is perfectly comfortable lying to you repeatedly for years. I'm sorry you're going through such an awful betrayal. I hope you expose this so you can get the support from close friends and family that you deserve.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MEM20200916 said:


> Hi thank you for your reply. He begged me, cried a lot...kept promising that he won't do it again!!!


Let him prove it - from a different home. For 2 years.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Hi thank you for your reply. He begged me, cried a lot...kept promising that he won't do it again!!!


Tears, begging, and words can not heal your shattered emotions for more than a few days…You need to think only of yourself and your children right now and he can show you with ACTIONS for two years if his tears, begging, and words have any truth to them. That is a great deal for him as you only requiring 2 years after he cheated for 13 years with different women....Never believe that tears, begging, and crying can change a very embedded habit that was very enjoyable for him.

He is a very damaged man and it will take real determination for a long time on his part to start to heal such low character and integrity.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MEM20200916 said:


> Hi thank you for your reply. He begged me, cried a lot...kept promising that he won't do it again!!!


Please do not believe him! He is the worst kind, a serial cheater. Go scorched earth on him. Go and see a lawyer, get all you ducks in a row and kick him out of the house.
It is up to you if you want to stay with him or leave and divorce him but this will not end in a happy marriage if he doesn't do major counselling.

However, this level of betrayal will be hard to overcome. Do not let him off lightly, give him somethings to think about

1. ask him to leave the marital home, do the 180 on him, no contact at all, let him stew for some time
2. Tell everyone, family friends and your grown up kids. this is not on you but him. Never hide affairs, they thrive in darkness. The shame will keep him in line and hopefully accountable
3. See a lawyer as to your rights, have papers drawn up, you don't have to go through with it but let him know this is where things are headed
4. Go get yourself some IC to help you through this trauma, you will need it.
5. Surround yourself with good solid friends who you can depend upon.

There is a chance he will go to the OW. Is she married? If so tell her BS immediately, blow up their world


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