# Wife is interested in other men... please help me.



## Concernedconfused (Dec 3, 2012)

Hello everyone. 

I am not the type of person who comes to online forums for advice and help typically but I am really having a hard day and need some advice from an outside perspective. 

Let me give you some background about my wife and I before we get into the issue. My wife is 12 years my senior. I am 30 and she is 42. We met when I was 22 and she was 34. She was in a horrible marrage when we met, her ex was very mentally abusive, jealous, and just crazy. Her and I met at a work event and hit it off. Her marriage was done at this point and she was only in it for her child. She did leave her husband, and her and I moved in together, to an apartment, since then we now have a house and have been living together ever since. 

My wife and I have only been married for a year, less then a full year actually. We waited awhile to make sure that it was what we both wanted.

My wife has never been an emotional person, she was abused as a child and because of that we have had issues in our sex life. She also spend some of her younger life stripping.

She was very emotionally disconected with me and while we did have sex, she never initiated and it was passionless. We really did not share that deep emotional connection that married people in my mind should. I expressed this over and over, offered counseling, she wanted none of it and kept assuring me that she is working on it. 

This went on for years, because of this my self confidence has suffered, I never understood why she did not desire me, I just could not understand if it was me, or what. 

Just recently things started to get really better. She is improving and showing me the love I need. She is being closer and just recently we connected in a very big way. 

I always wanted to know her more intimately, I wanted to know her fantasies, her deep dark secrets. For years she was like, I have nothing that I have not told you! Then this past weekend happened. 

My wife really opened up to me. She told me the thought of a threesome turns her on alot. She admitted that sometimes to get turned on she will think about me with another woman, or another man with the two of us. She was very very passionate about this. She would NEVER EVER cheat on me, I know this. We are very open about that sort of thing.

Now, she has never really told me things like this because I will admit I have always been a little jealous and posessive of her. I am sure that she has always kept it inside because of how I would react. Not this time, I want that level of closeness with her. 

This past weekend was amazing, I finally felt that feeling of closeness that I never had with my wife. The sex was amazing, her attitude toward me so much more loving. Everything was great. 

Well we got to talking some more... things started to turn again for the bad a little. Now, she told me something that kind of scares me. One of the main reasons she feels this way is because there is a guy at work she feels a strong, VERY STRONG attraction for. She admits she has not really even ever spoke to this guy except for break rooms, running into each other in meetings, etc. She can feel he wants her and I do not doubt that because my wife is incredibly sexy. 

She admits to liking the attention, and she likes when guys check her out. I admit I like that too... I am not at all scared to jump into a different lifestyle to make my wife happy, I do not like the fact this guy works with her. 

I did a little research and this guy is married with 3 kids. He holds a higher position in his career for a nationwide bank. From my research (I know a few people I work with who used to work there) and this guy is a big time player who cheats on his wife.

I brought that up to my wife and she got angry because I was "doing recon" on him. I am pretty sure she thinks its hot as hell and that is part of the attraction she has for him. I am not comfortable doing a threeosme with a man who is married with three kids, it doesnt seem to bother her at all. 

So in a nutshell that is my situation. I really need some advice. I feel very angry, hurt, frustrated, and confused. I want to hurt this man, bad. I know it's not even his fault I just feel so much love for my wife that it is hard as hell to even think about sharing her. The part that is hurting the most is that she works with this man, she admits to seeing him and getting turned on, she admits that she tries to talk to him. She has promised to not let it cross "that" line. 

I feel like just bursting out in tears, please help.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

DO NOT bring a third person, ANY person, into your marriage. BAD BAD BAD idea.

Also, your wife WILL cheat on you. She cheated WITH you, and it is extremely rare that such a relationship ever works out. She's probably bringing up this other guy because she's already sleeping with him. The emphasis with which you deny that she ever would cheat speaks volumes.

My advice would be to remove her from your life.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but Hope 1964 brings up a valid point. She may already have a relationship with this man but wants to keep you there too knowing the other man will not leave his family.

She's already proven that she' has no aversion to starting things up with other men as she did with you. She told you her ex was "very mentally abusive, jealous, and just crazy" Did anyone else (or you) verify this other than from her stories?

If you really want to turn the tables on her, tell her you're all for the 3-way but first it has to be you, her and another woman before you'll even consider her request.

In reality, what you should do is quitely start investigating. Don't ask her if she's cheating. Keep it all to yourself and get copies of her cell phone bill and look for alot of texts and calls to one or 2 numbers that you don't recognize

Ask to use her phone and see how she reacts. Is it password protected? That's a huge Red Flag

Get 2 Voice Activated Recorders VARs) and place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro and keep the other one to swutch out with the first so you'll have time to listen to it. Cheaters are very comfortable talking in their cars to their lovers.

So you've been together maybe 2 years or so and she's already looking to trade up? None of this bodes well for you. Sorry


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## Concernedconfused (Dec 3, 2012)

Thank you for your replies. For me to say that I know she will not cheat on me I know that I cannot know this for sure but believe me when I say to you my wife would tell me if she cheated, she could not live with herself if she did and the guilt would eat at her immensely, I know her very well.

I know her ex husband very well because of my involvement with their child (forgot to mention she has a 17 year old child). He is crazy, he is very abusive, he is every bit of nuts and I have witnessed it many times.

She wants this to be our lifestlye, she is willing to do this with woman as well. 

I know that people in this world when married will find people attractive, I know they will desire others, it kills me to think that my wife is desiring another man away from me, but I am just glad shae told me this now instead of cheating on me.

We have a relationship not many people have. We have been through ALOT together. We have broken up once before because of the way I felt toward her emotional disconnection. I had sex with other women while we were broken up. She does know all of this and understands. We both do want very much to be able to tell each other anything, I am just not sure I can handle what she tells me.

EDIT: Toffer, I actually already mentioned that to her and she is encourging me to bring another woman to bed with us first. I think this is just her thing that she has always been afraid to tell me, I just think this guy at her work really set her over the edge in desire and lust.

We have been together for 8 years now total.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell her this is unacceptable to you. Do not give in - you WILL regret it.

Fantasy is one thing - I sometimes have a fantasy of seeing my husband with another woman. There is NO FREAKING WAY I would EVER let that out of my head. Ever. Your wife has a human brain, not an animal one that's unable to overcome lust.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

Fantasies are fine. Most of the time that's what they should remain.

If I had a dollar for every poster I've seen here who swore that their spouse couldn't/wouldn't cheat, I'd have a small fortune by now.

What's wrong with a little checking then as I outlined above? One of the better sayings her is "Trust but verify"

The main problem with 3-ways is that while it can work, many times someone establishes that emotional connection with one of the partners (you know, that connection you waited for that you finally got?)

Did you know about this desire of her's before you married her?

Again, seeing how she's already bored after one year of marriage is not good for your future


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## Concernedconfused (Dec 3, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Tell her this is unacceptable to you. Do not give in - you WILL regret it.
> 
> Fantasy is one thing - I sometimes have a fantasy of seeing my husband with another woman. There is NO FREAKING WAY I would EVER let that out of my head. Ever. Your wife has a human brain, not an animal one that's unable to overcome lust.





Toffer said:


> OP,
> 
> Fantasies are fine. Most of the time that's what they should remain.
> 
> ...


Hope, I understand that. I mean I think about woman all the time, it's what guys do, and now I am realizing girls too. I think that in her mind something happened with the abuse that happened to her when she was younger and this may be connected somehow. 

Toffer, that is where this started. Fantasy. To be honest, my wife is willing to wait until I feel comfortable, well at least she says that. She is not pressuring me to do this, she just told me she has these fantasies about him and I and she really wants him and I to have her at the same time. She explained it as she doesnt love this man she just finds him attractive, she wants the threesome because of control and power. She likes that she can overcome a mans power with her vagina, she does have some issues but I am mentally very strong and intellegent and I play the yin to her yang when it comes to thins like that. 

I did not know about this desire before we got married. I knew she had a sexual past... lots of men, she was a stripper, it was all for the attention thats what gets her off. But no I had no idea she wanted this, I was always a very jealous person and she could never talk to me honestly about those feelings or I would have at that time went crazy probably. 

I just scared she would find something I planted in her car and that would ruin everything. She would never really trust me again if I did something like that, I do not know if I want to violate that. I have been working years to share this emotional connection that we seem to now have and I would not want to jeopardize that.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

You're in a tough spot. If you say no to the 3some, she may cheat on you with work boy anyway. So if it comes down to it, get something good out of a sticky situation by having her do the FFM first. If yor marriage goes south, you have every guys fantasy completed and are still young to find other relationships. 

Don't sell yourself short; you did a big jump by marrying older with a child. Kudos to you on that. I couldn't do that but commend others that can.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The minute you bring a third person into your sex life, your marriage is doomed. If she isn't willing to be happy with just you, then let her go.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

i admire your courage and openness. It sounds like her history has affected the way she sees and uses sexual experiences. But you both seem to trust each other. She trusted you enough to tell you, you trust her enough to know she won't be unfaithful. I guess that is what you have to hold on to. i know it is hard to hear that she wants someone else. I don't know if i am woman enough to be able to hear my H say that to me and be ok with it. But on some level we all know that attraction is attraction, and many of us are attracted to others, we just don't act on it. So i commend you for putting thought into this and making this about making a stronger connection with your W. 

I'm wondering though if you are open to a threesome at all? Is it only ok if its adding another f? is what bothers you that there is another male she has chosen without you that has access to her routinely and that scares you? As opposed to just sharing a sexual experience? Or is this something that's ok to talk about as a fantasy, but you need to leave it there? Whatever it is, don't stop being honest now. Just remember it can't be all about her, don't let it go where you are not comfortable going.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

WOW!

Sorry, this rabbit hole goes a lot deeper than we'll be able to guide you through. How do you know what her previous marriage was like...because she told you? I'm sorry but you plain and simple got played. She's a narcissist and lives her life for what pleases her. 

NEVER EVER marry the person who cheated on their spouse with you. People wonder what a person's character is prior to marrying them....well she told you.

Sorry. Get out. Get counseling. Fix yourself. Have a couple relationships you can learn from. Marry a GOOD wife who's stable and can love properly.


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## Concernedconfused (Dec 3, 2012)

Thank you everyone for the replies, it's really helping me. Ina I absolutely would consider a threesome. My whole idea of it is find someone who both of us don't know and do it, that way no connections are made. My main concern with this whole thing is thy she works with this man. I have tries to explain to her the what could come if it... Like potential awkwardness in the office, him developing feelings, will he proposition her to go alone and without me? 

We have talked about all of that, and right now nothing is solid we have just been talking and she doesn't seem to be in too much of a rush, she is enjoying the "eye candy" and "day fantasizing".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Concernedconfused (Dec 3, 2012)

Sorry about the grammar I am typing on my phone 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Concernedconfused said:


> My whole idea of it is find someone who both of us don't know and do it, that way no connections are made.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is SO wrong.

If you have a threesome, with ANYONE, your marriage is doomed. I'm not talking out of my ass here. Look it up. find out how many swingers are together 2, 5, 10, 15 years after the fact. And of the ones who are, how many are truly happy??

I'm not saying it never happens, I am saying that it is EXTREMELY unlikely that you and your wife will solve anything by complicating this murky problem any further.

But hey, don't listen to us. We don't know quite EVERYthing. And of course, you will be the EXCEPTION to it all, right?


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

All I need to read is you were 22 when you met, she is 12 years older & the sex you have (outside when she is thinking of this other guy) is passionless and she is emotionally disconnected........ Add to that she doesn't initiate.

Oh yea threesomes and an alternative lifestyle will change all that......

Yes run, don't walk, find someone your own age and enjoy your youth........


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Concernedconfused said:


> believe me when I say to you my wife would tell me if she cheated, she could not live with herself if she did and the guilt would eat at her immensely, I know her very well.


I don't believe you. 

You're being rather foolish to believe you as well.

You don't know the woman nearly as well as you think you do.

Believe me, I know.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Good gracious, how could you be so angry at a man and want to hurt them physically who has nothing to do with your wife. There is something wrong with this and it is not normal. Your wife has the "crush" on him, be mad at her. This man probably could care less about your wife in the first place. I would be so pissed and press criminal charges(he would to) if any man harms my husband because their wife has a crush on him. My husband doesn't give anyone at work any info of his personal life or casual chit chat. He is a very very reserved man and very work oriented. He has his own office and keeps the door shut.

You asked for your wife's fantasies and you got them. She told you the truth.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Concernedconfused said:


> ...but believe me when I say to you my wife would tell me if she cheated, she could not live with herself if she did and the guilt would eat at her immensely, I know her very well.


*CC my friend, today's your lucky day, you're in good company, this place is full of people who also knew their spouses "very well".

Look under 'Coping With Infidelity'.*

T


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

I know that you are feeling worried about this. Just help your wife to shift her attention.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> DO NOT bring a third person, ANY person, into your marriage. BAD BAD BAD idea.
> 
> Also, your wife WILL cheat on you. She cheated WITH you, and it is extremely rare that such a relationship ever works out. She's probably bringing up this other guy because she's already sleeping with him. The emphasis with which you deny that she ever would cheat speaks volumes.
> 
> My advice would be to remove her from your life.


 I agree.. If they cheat with you they can and may cheat on you. (doesn't always happen)

You only know what she wants you to know.. Everyone has a "dark side" Every one is capable of cheating, regardless of how well you think you know them. You need to nip this in the bud A.S.A.P, before she does cheat on you (if she hasn't already)


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

YOU wanted to know her fanatasies and know you are angry ,you need to just get over it because this is all your faulty for you wanting her to be honest,whenever you ask a question like that you have to respect the answer they give you[Unconditionally] and then let it go. 

I do know people who are into swinging/thressomes and they are just fine but for you and your wife NO don't do it because you are way to jelious.If you want real info from peopel into it put swingerbaord into a search engine and ask on that forum,they will tell you don't do it also.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Concernedconfused said:


> Hope, I understand that. I mean I think about woman all the time, it's what guys do, and now I am realizing girls too. I think that in her mind something happened with the abuse that happened to her when she was younger and this may be connected somehow.
> 
> Toffer, that is where this started. Fantasy. To be honest, my wife is willing to wait until I feel comfortable, well at least she says that. She is not pressuring me to do this,* she just told me she has these fantasies about him and I and she really wants him and I to have her at the same time. She explained it as she doesnt love this man she just finds him attractive,* she wants the threesome because of control and power. She likes that she can overcome a mans power with her vagina, she does have some issues but I am mentally very strong and intellegent and I play the yin to her yang when it comes to thins like that.
> 
> ...


 And what happens when she is attracted to another man and another and another so on and so fourth and wants to have more and more 3-somes? It is never just once!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

ladybird said:


> And what happens when she is attracted to another man and another and another so on and so fourth and wants to have more and more 3-somes? It is never just once!


That's why the threesome must always be MFF.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

kamal11 said:


> This is a big problem so you should contact to a astrologer he can help you in this matter because sometimes planets are responsible for these types of problems so go to the astrologer.


Yes of course everyone knows that chunks of rocks floating in space millions of miles away play a huge role in the effective implementation of threesomes.

I'm going to tell my girlfriend that the planets are all going to be lined up Saturday night so please bring a friend when she comes to my place.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

You already brainwashed yourself into thinking your wife will never cheat because both of you been through this....that and her history is blah blah blah. Read more of the other posts on tbis board and its full of husbands and wives that would bet there lives that there spouses would never cheat. Wake up. She got mad that you researched the other man. why? she expects you to let him have sex with her but god forbid you find who he is and what he is about. Interesting you found out that he is a player, gotta make you wonder if he already has a "friendship" with your wife. Her suggesting a threesome with another women is only baiting you to allow her sex with the om. Does she have a crush with the om or has she already been crushed?????, But now she might want it official with your blessing. also it dosent bother her to f$&k a married man with 3 kids, why the [email protected]$k you dont think she cant cheat on you???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like your wife is not interested in other men, but interested in one specific *man*.....

You know your wife moral compase is way off, thats why your here.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You say she has for years been passionless with you, but this other guy gets her worked up, but you don't. Kind tells you that in a threesome you will be the odd man out and it don't be just once, it will be what she prefers over you. It already is it seems.

You'd be a fool to have this guy even more involved with her, it's very likely he is already sleeping with her btw, especially if he is a player he will have picked up on her interest and gone for it.

Even if you did a threesome, doing it with some guy who you wife works with and has the hots for is you basically giving her the ok to have an affair with this married guy.

See threesomes are about a third person being a sex toy for you two committed folks. She instead wants a love affair sexual relationship with this guy.

So it's not do much a lifestyle unless you call living as a cuckold a lifestyle. I personally think of it as a hell.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

The truth sends another poor victim packing.

So sad. He could learn much here


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP there's a thread in this section entitled 
" Threesomes and so fourth ."
You might want to have a look at it, especially the last few pages. It gives the experiences of persons who have actually been involved in that lifestyle and the inherent dangers.

BTW, there's a reason why your wife is saying that she doesn't mind a threesome with another woman.
It's because she wants to bring in the other man in the relationship.
So she gives you a pawn in order to get her way.
Think chess.


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## Matt B. (Nov 25, 2012)

Hey OP let me tell you something. And I am not sure you will like what I have to tell you. 
I was in quite a similar situation.
I was 23/24 and met a woman, she 15 years older. We got to know each other better and one thing led to another and we ended up in a relationship. She also was abused by her father and selected her boyfriends more or less in the same pattern, in which she would get hurt because the bf would be cheating on her emotionally and sometimes physically. I was different, because cheating was something which completely conflicts with my moral and conscience. I was the interested one, like you, trying to find a way to her and her fantasies and also trying help her with some issues which were definitely a result of her being abused as a child. Our sexual life was ok. It was sometimes exciting, but ok altogether. We worked in a theatre at that time and she fell in love with some other guy there. And because we talked about this kind of things I knew that she fell in love and why. There was the pattern again, but she refused, because she didn't want to be hurt again as she knew that this would quite sure happen. Tell me if any sounds familiar...!
The thing is, that she would flirt around with the guy, whom I actually knew and also liked and like. I needed to leave the city because of a work opportunity and moved away 100 miles, and we saw every weekend. We started to have more conflicts when we spent time together, she tried in some kind to conduct me, etc and our egos just challenged each other..she also started to refuse having sex, because of stupid reasons, etc and I started to "date" another girl I met back then. When I finally was ready to leave her after I realized that she would not have sex with me again when she visited me the weekend before, she tells me in the phone call in which I am telling her how I feel and that I want to move on, that she had an affair with a total different guy (not the one she fell in love with), somebody I don't know at all....think even he was married or something...no idea, because I did not care. And this affair was the reason to refuse sex with me, because they had unprotected one and she was afraid she could pass something over to me. End of story, the girl I met back then is my present wife and we have 2 kids 

*My advice?*
Let it be. 
Abuse is such a terrible thing and destroys, literally destroys people. It's sad, but you, me and others can't do anything about it. This spirits need help and professional help to know them better and to learn how to handle their actions and desires....how to put them into relation, etc...my "mature" (HA) gf back then did even counseling. Yours is 42 by now and acts still like a girl, it's sad, but as I just said, they are stuck and need help.
You on the other hand you are still "young" and you can build up a family and have more sunny days with blue clear sky...don't get too used to the cloudy grey weather around you...think things over, where you wanna go...if you wanna continue your family tree, etc...and *THAT* behind this grey clouds *IS* a beautiful blue, clear clean sky.


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## Concernedconfused (Dec 3, 2012)

Sorry for the long absense on the forum I was away on vacation for a bit and did not have access to the internet. First of all thank you all for your replies, especially Matt, thank you for your constructive, supportive reply. 

I think alot of you are missing what I am saying. The reason why I say that my wife will not cheat on me is because we have made an agreement to at least give each other the respect if we feel like having sex outside the marriage. I know that even if she did, it would eat her away and I would find out. Lately we have been more open with each other on our feelings and I do trust that she would tell me before she felt the desire to have sex with someone outside the marriage, alone. She would at the drop of a hat have a threesome with this man and me if I said yea. 

I have seriously been thinking this over for the past week or so, and have come to some very interesting conclusions. The first one that I came to was, I really believe that my wife has some narcissistic tendencies. Not that this matters much, but may shed some insight on where this may have come from. 

My wife loves me, I have no doubt about that. I can see where her desires come from because I think about those things too, I would be lying if I said I never fantasized about having sex with another woman, sure the thought crosses my mind. However I have never once found someone that I feel so strongly about where I have felt the need to tell my wife that I would like a threesome with this person because my desire to have sex with them is so strong. 

I have been debating leaving her or not. She is scared that I am going to leave her. When she told me that I was shocked because normally when I mention divorce she always always acts like it's no big deal, she will get through it, and that's it. It's just the type of person she is, she has a hard time showing emotion of any kind. 

So when she told me that I was shocked and curious at the same time. I asked are you scared because I am your security blanket? She said no "I love you and would honestly have a hard time living without you". When she said that I was kind of shocked. 

Bottom line is, yes she loves me. She desires this man from work for whatever reason (she said he just has a sexual energy about him). She reassures me that this man is nothing but pure sexual animalistic desire for her, no emotion is felt at all. No she will not cheat, we have made an agreement before it comes to that point for the sake of hurting the other person we would tell each other before actually doing it so because we do have that love and respect for each other. 

I hate having the feeling of never knowing if she is thinking about me or this man, when we have sex... can I ever get her off anymore without thinking about this man? When she is at work I hate knowing that she is fantasizing about this man. I cannot be angry, I want her to tell me these things.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If you really want to affair proof this marriage, then your wife should look for another job and get away from this man. Temptation is a normal part of life, and even the best of us feel urges that are not proper at one time or another. However, it seems your wife is a little more than just infatuated with this guy. Hell, she was trying to angle him into a threesome with you if you look at this whole situation objectively.


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## Concernedconfused (Dec 3, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> If you really want to affair proof this marriage, then your wife should look for another job and get away from this man. Temptation is a normal part of life, and even the best of us feel urges that are not proper at one time or another. However, it seems your wife is a little more than just infatuated with this guy. Hell, she was trying to angle him into a threesome with you if you look at this whole situation objectively.



Thanks for the reply. She has had no contact with this man as far as talking goes other then in a professional environment. We have had no conversation about this with the third party it has just been my wife telling me how she feels. 

This guy basically has the rep at work for being a player. He is married with three kids, we really do not even know if he would do it. We do know that this guy is basically messing around with his wife (acording to other women in her office) and that in itself makes me incredibly uncomfortable. My wife hates cheaters normally, but not in this case, she still wants to have sex with him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

Since it's obvious that you've convinced yourself this arrangement is OK and have choosen to ignore the advice you've sought out, why are you still here?


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

Toffer said:


> OP,
> 
> Since it's obvious that you've convinced yourself this arrangement is OK and have choosen to ignore the advice you've sought out, why are you still here?


He asked a serious question, returns and then tries to validate that all is okay and that she loves him. Don't know what he wants coming here.

Simply he refuses to address the age difference (sorry she's a cougar), the fact that sex is at best so so and lacks passion and she refuses to really talk about it, however is attracted to another male.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Naive to the max.


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## amorous_1 (Nov 29, 2010)

Cliff notes. 

Young guy marries somewhat older ex stripper coming from abusive previous relationship.

Passionless sex ensues. He puts up with it for years. Suddenly it gets better right about the time she tells him she wants someone else in her. He tries to talk himself into it. 

About right? Looks like a train wreck to me.


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## Concernedconfused (Dec 3, 2012)

Toffer said:


> OP,
> 
> Since it's obvious that you've convinced yourself this arrangement is OK and have choosen to ignore the advice you've sought out, why are you still here?


So by advice you mean the helpful comments like "Your wife is cheating already", "Leave her", etc? Because if that is your idea of advice then I suggest you take another hard look at why you are here. I am not looking for the opinions of biased people who have been hurt in the past and cannot see past their own anger. 

Additionally... who are you? What makes you think that I have convinced myself?

I am here because I am asking for advice, help, and opinions. I am looking for people who have maybe been through something like this before. I am here because I love my wife and want to make her happy and am open minded but have never been in this situation before.

People need to stop being so shallow. Open your mind and realize that not everything is black and white, I am not saying everything is ok. I am saying that I know my wife loves me and I love her. We are going through a tough time, been together for 8 years been through more than most people would experience in a lifetime...

God forbid I come to a marriage forum, post under the correct subcategory, and hope that today's society might be able to open their minds for time enough to give me valuable feedback in regard to my situation, maybe based off someone elses past experience, if that is wrong and Naive... then I guess I am your labels.


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## amorous_1 (Nov 29, 2010)

Good luck bro.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

CC, in your first post you say the sex got better here recently.. about the same time your wife started fantasing about the OM. Of course you know she is probably thinking of him when she is having sex with you. Right? Your wife is wired wrong. Just like my stbxw. My x would cheat on me, and then admit to it.. she admitted to cheating on every man she ever had a relationship with.. mine told me at the beginning she would never do that to me.. Ha. Don't end up on here in a month telling us what she did... she cheated with you, so she clearly has it in her to do that again..


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

I've counted 4 married friends who either had a threesome or got into swinging that are getting divorced this year alone.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I promise you if she bangs this guy she will develop feelings for him. It won't be just sex. It will turn into something more!


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

The sex is better, still not very good..... But heck bring the guy in and I'm sure it will be mind blowing........

Sorry CC but you are very confused as per your screen name and are deflecting a lot of legitimate questions.

BTW you are right that people on TAM continually claim every time there is an issue between couples then cheating is happening.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> She reassures me that this man is nothing but pure sexual animalistic desire for her, no emotion is felt at all. No she will not cheat, we have made an agreement before it comes to that point for the sake of hurting the other person we would tell each other before actually doing it so because we do have that love and respect for each other.



He is right. Once a couple makes an agreement it can never be broken.....never...never,...never. Good Luck to you Sir.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personally if I was you, I would just go ahead, and although I will lose all of my respect for her, her sl*t/hotness factor would be raised intensely and would use her to forfill all my sick MFF and MMF fantasies! Then at the same time find myself in an emotional affair with someone else.

Yes - this is exactly what happened when I was with my ex gf at that time (7-8 years ago), and how I met my wife.

So mate, take it from me, if you want to value your wife and marriage, don't do it.

Very RARE do these things workout, and only if the relationship is STRONG enough to withstand its impact. Read up on swinger sites about the dangers and steps necessary to prevent emotional turmoil - and you'll find your marriage is anything BUT ready for this.


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## Matt B. (Nov 25, 2012)

Concernedconfused said:


> I hate having the feeling of never knowing if she is thinking about me or this man, when we have sex... can I ever get her off anymore without thinking about this man? When she is at work I hate knowing that she is fantasizing about this man. I cannot be angry, I want her to tell me these things.


What you know is that this thoughts drive you crazy. That's for sure. Try to remember, if it was always like this, if you are this kind of "worrying" character or if it is a result of your wife's actions. 
If they are a result of this I think you need to go deeper and question yourself a bit more.
I have really deep respect for you putting anger away and not feeling it at all, it just shows what great guy you are. Having understanding for the other person is a gift many others struggle with as I see it around. 
But you need to understand yourself as well and more importantly your *wife* needs to understand herself and her actions. But here comes the dilemma as I see it, because of the abusive nature of her past. 
We who did not suffer from it cannot "understand" and "imagine" what kind of impact this may have on the character, personality and inner processes. 
Again, with understanding you will not really achieve something in your case. You will want to know more and more and your wife will give you more intel and your mind cinema will do the rest and drive you more and more crazy. 
Sure having fantasies about having sex with another person is a total natural thing, I am no exception. But if I would do it with somebody I know well and I do see every day it would be a bit different. The temptation to actually bring the fantasy to life would be huge. 
Then it becomes dependent on the personal moral and ethic attitude. 
That you guys talk about this issue is a great thing, no question, but wouldn't you agree that talking about it could have had an outcome for her realizing what great guy she has and that this actually puts her desires to a stand? 

Like: "_Oh man, how stupid I was having this feelings...!_" 

Not because you pushed her that way, just because you guys would have reflected each other and she would have come to this conclusion all by herself.
But it didn't happen. Her desires are still intact and your talks didn't change anything. She is in a big conflict with herself and I would definitely point to her past. 
As I wrote in my first post, *WE* cannot help people who have suffered so terrible. We can be supportive and be good friends, but in the moment it affects the relationship or marriage we are in a problematic situation, because the problems where caused in a relationship, may it be a love relationship or family...
I will not tell you that she will cheat or not, but I will tell you to focus on yourself and to find out what *you* really want and wish in your relationship. 
She is scared to be left alone as you say and still she is in conflict with her desire. That's twisted, isn't it? That's why I think she should talk about her "problems" and her past to somebody professional.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Concernedconfused said:


> So by advice you mean the helpful comments like "Your wife is cheating already", "Leave her", etc? Because if that is your idea of advice then I suggest you take another hard look at why you are here. I am not looking for the opinions of biased people who have been hurt in the past and cannot see past their own anger.
> 
> *Why are WE here? We are here to try and prevent people like you from making the same mistakes we (collectively) have and becoming one of the "biased people who have been hurt in the past". Alot of posters tell you to investigate what your wife is up to because they DIDN'T and they got burned. That is what is known as experience talking.
> 
> ...


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Once again if you want a more objective view on swinging go to the swinger board,its a website and people will give the bad and GOOD about it.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

You want a threesome, all the power to you. Not my cup 'o tea, but heck that isn't why I posted to begin with on this thread.

Red Flags:

1. You met he @ 22 and she was 34. Yep she's a cougar and you're too young.
2. Sex has been so so or passionless
3. You have problems in your marriage
4. You are the only one who initiates

Anyhow he is free to do as he pleases......


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How did she know she had his consent for the threesome ? Not everyone goes around having threesomes with couples. 

There is a reason that your sex life picked up recently. The reason is this guy. She probably fantasizes about him while having sex with you.

Do you have kids ?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP hasn't been back in 3 days.

Guess he wasn't satisfied with the answers he got

I truly hope this doesn't go the way it looks like it will........


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

I hope there are no children involved because it doesn't sound like this will end well. It sounds like this woman is an emotional wreck with baggage because of her past, and immature to boot.


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

Hi there, it's my first post ,and I cannot believe I am saying this , for asecond I thought we were talking about a lawnmower and yeah why not share it with another guy to try!! It's your wife for god sake ,the man will be fu-king the hell out of her head infront of your eyes ,yep lets imagine the setting ,make sure to light some candles its more romantic get some expensive wine,shut the windows she might be screaming high, prepare extra towels god know how many times they will return back to bed ,and let's say for asecond this guys performance was amazing ,i bet it is ,now look at you ,you'll never have sex with her again bye bye..she is minpulating you not only she is older she has along history and more experience in this field look at you considering this just to please her ,omg you are saying she a knock out at like what 42 , well look at her in few more years ,and i mean it few....you will be in your best years still young and full of life and energy while she is close to menapose .sorry dude I am not going say don't do it don't even think about it if she really loves you ,this won't be an option and we're discussing it now. Hope the best for you,sorry for the harsh phrases


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## acertriplex (Dec 15, 2012)

My wife and I did a threesome and it was great and no one was effected by it. A famous quote I like is "men need to be loved, women need to be wanted" Make your wife feel wanted, during sex grab her hips and make her feel like she is anchored to you, she will love it.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

your thread perplexes me. you started with the heading- *"Wife is interested in other men... please help me." *yet, you say you're willing to do a threesome. see the irony?

this woman saw a naive kid in you and pounced. despite her horrible marriage, that is no reason to cheat on her 1st husband _with _you. now she's manipulating you into a swinging lifestyle. you need a serious wake up call, son.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I would never share my wife with some other guy or a woman either. But, this isn't about me. If you want to do that, go for it. Given the situation, I suspect serious troubles are on the horizon.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

More......Brains

Zombie Thread


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

Can't changed someone mind set when they already made up their choice just looking for confirmation which he is not getting. I love our fantasy of threesome and watching porn to make sex better...but to acted it out for real....HELL NO! My wife kicked my shin bone the other day for turning my head toward another woman next to our table while eating....out of nowhere BANG...WTF, what was that for!

This forum has experiences, lots of advices, helped me!


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