# Love language Act of Service



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

A while back my husband and I took our love language test. My top two were acts of service and words of admiration. My husband thinks that acts of services = slavery or "If you love me, you will do this for me". 

NEITHER of those is what I need or do. What I DO NEED is for him to help out in the household...without being directed or told what to do. Meaning...if he sees that the garbage is overflowing, TAKE IT OUT. If he sees that the dishwasher needs loaded FILL IT. I do not mean that he has to do all of the housework, but it would be nice if he would help out with me having to ask...is this too much to ask?

He isn't thrilled with my other love language either...what am I to do?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So he doesn't respect your needs? Is he refusing to meet them based on his views? Or is it the book/test itself?

What are his top 2?

ETA: Maybe he needs to really read up on what each language means to understand them better.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

His top two were physical touch and quality time. 

I don't think that he is open to doing them at all if he views them as he does. I have attempted to explain to him how he is viewing them is not what they are, but he wants nothing to do with them. I do not get this. 

As soon as he explained to me that he needed physical touch, I started doing it. I have ALWAYS attempted to get quality time in, but most of the time that means that I sit beside him while he plays his video game and I watch a movie.


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

I can relate to your husband but I don't call it slavery. I call it something new to get used to, and worth it to change if you care enough.

My wife's is Acts of Service also but she's like you. Just showing I care by doing the little things has meant a lot to her. One thing that complicated it for me at first was that she's a workaholic anyway (and I am not, nor do I have a desire to be), so it just seemed at first like more of the same.

On the flip side she has extreme difficulty understanding and responding to mine, which is Words of Affirmation (that's how I heard it described). She feels it's asking for flattery 

So she always tried to show she cares by doing acts of service for me and I tried to show her I cared by giving words of affirmation, meaning we were speaking our own languages to each other.

Since learning the difference we've tried to adjust to each other's love language - but it doesn't come natural. It takes effort at first ... but it is something we can learn to do for each other if we care. Which we do.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, listen up, anonim! 
It isn't slavery. It's just a matter of knowing that anony2 feels your love for her when you pick up your socks without her having to nag you about it. It means taking care of your plate after dinner, without expecting she needs to clear everything. It also means that when you recognize something needs doing, you just pitch in and help, without her necessarily having to request it, but knowing she would appreciate it if you DID do those things.

Words of Affirmation is my second, with quality time a very close third (WoA is 8, QT is 7). My first is Physical touch. Oh, so WoA. It doesn't mean CONSTANT praises. It just means letting her know, TELLING her, that you appreciate her. 

So, anonim's top two are PT and QT, eh? OK, how does he feel if you don't hug him or kiss him or any other physical touch? How does he feel when you don't get to spend much time together, or don't get to do things together?


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, listen up, anonim!
> It isn't slavery. It's just a matter of knowing that anony2 feels your love for her when you pick up your socks without her having to nag you about it. It means taking care of your plate after dinner, without expecting she needs to clear everything. It also means that when you recognize something needs doing, you just pitch in and help, without her necessarily having to request it, but knowing she would appreciate it if you DID do those things.
> 
> Words of Affirmation is my second, with quality time a very close third (WoA is 8, QT is 7). My first is Physical touch. Oh, so WoA. It doesn't mean CONSTANT praises. It just means letting her know, TELLING her, that you appreciate her.
> ...


Thank you Maricha and all, I think that he feels rejected if I do not do these things....which is how I feel when he doesn't do mine. Maybe he needs them spelled out more than what I can explain???


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

He needs to read the book. My top two were Acts of service and words of affirmation. My mans is physical touch and words of affirmation or quality time... Cant remember what his second was exactly but no acts of service does not equate to being a servant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anony2 said:


> Thank you Maricha and all, I think that he feels rejected if I do not do these things....which is how I feel when he doesn't do mine. Maybe he needs them spelled out more than what I can explain???


I agree with Gaia. He needs to read the book. 

As an example... your car needs an oil change. Does he do it for you/take it to the shop to get it done? Or does he expect you to make those arrangements for it all the time? I bet, if he DOES take care of that particular item for you, you appreciate it, right? See, I don't think he even realizes that it's little things that fill you up, ya know? Sure, he's not giving you a massage every night. He's not doing every single little chore for you... but doing things like oil changes, or picking up after himself, or occasionally throwing a load of clothes into the washer are very much appreciated acts of service. You appreciate what he has done, and even acknowledge that he didn't HAVE to do them. Nothing requiring whips and chains....well, not unless you're into that sort of thing...


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm wondering why he feels that way. Do both of you work outside the home?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Have you done the emotional needs survey where you each are encouraged to describe what affection looks like, what quality time looks like, what acts of service looks like? It doesn't sound like you two are speaking the same language, which is so ironic considering you're talking about love language.


"Honey, thank you so much for taking *such* good care of *me* by taking such good care of my car." pause, let that sink in a moment... "You make my car purr when you change the oil for me, how about you make my heart purr by holding my hand and taking a walk with me?" 

Men are so defensive, but so handy to have around they're worth it!


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