# How do i know if there is a chance to Reconcile



## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I broke up a month ago today.. I kicked him out in anger and the next day he said he would never be back...He said he has been unhappy for years and still loves and cares about me but just cant be married to me anymore... I felt the same until 3 days later.. Now I am just dying inside everyday looking back at all the signs I missed that i could have fixed this but ithought I wanted out to.. Now I know just how in love with him I am..Ill try to make this a short story...
Just a week before we had a bad arguement and he said dont throw us away over this.. But a week later I did.. There was alot of anger and I posted personal business on my FB page that day,, i have since deleted it but it doesnt change that I did it..
We had sexting in the beginning 2 weeks of the seperation and sex on three occasions.. I could feel how much he loved me.. we argue so much when we see each other its a constant battle to not have to meet him.. I have decided that even though when he left all bills were a month behind to no longer accept monetary help from him...I am trying to let him have space.. Its hard.. he text me good morning everyday and tells me about trivial things at his work or how long he slept.. he has asked for pics of me and we have had sexual convos... he says this is hard on him.. but i cant feel that.. he says he would do almost anything for me... he asks me about things he sees on my FB page why am I posting pics etc and if i dont respond he just ask again later.. I posted I was going out and he asked did i have fun then he asked what did i do...
he says he isnt interested in anyone else or even trying to meet anyone else.. he will not go to counseling with me he says he thinks its best we just move on...
I dont want to give up.. I know he still loves me but dont understand how he seems only concerned in material things in the home..and what he wants out of the home.. I have asked him to stop telling me he cares about me and wants to help me but he says its true I even told him once to tell me he didnt love me anymore and I could give up on this marriage he said he could never say that cause it isnt true but he thinks a divorce is the best answer.. we argued once and he said he spoke with someone (he made it sound like a lawyer) but when I mentioned seeing a lawyer he let me have it...I asked him to wait on the separation he agreed for now but says separation means divorce.. so Im not sure what he is really waiting on... 
Im just so confused on everything i dont know whats in his mind or how to act..
I dont want to give up... I just dont know how to fight for the man of my dreams to come home.. i have prayed so much... 
Please someone tell me something


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## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

we have been together 6 years and married 5...


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Just a couple of thoughts... the first is that kicking him out and airing personal stuff over Facebook would be at minimum a serious blow of trust to your husband. I'm not trying to cast blame when I say that he is acting a little wishy washy but I could understand why he might given his situation.

That being said, I would say that you be careful to keep some boundaries up for yourself during this time. He could have no intention of coming back, but still want you to fill some of his needs despite this. Figure out what's fair for you and what you can live with and how long you are willing to have it play out. 

Also, have you specifically told him this: "Now I am just dying inside everyday looking back at all the signs I missed that i could have fixed this but i thought I wanted out to.. Now I know just how in love with him I am"

Good luck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Acorn said:


> Just a couple of thoughts... the first is that kicking him out and airing personal stuff over Facebook would be at minimum a serious blow of trust to your husband. I'm not trying to cast blame when I say that he is acting a little wishy washy but I could understand why he might given his situation.
> 
> That being said, I would say that you be careful to keep some boundaries up for yourself during this time. He could have no intention of coming back, but still want you to fill some of his needs despite this. Figure out what's fair for you and what you can live with and how long you are willing to have it play out.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

I know it is a huge blow.. I did not tell why I was angry and kicked him out.. he is friends with his ex wife and the night before I kicked him out they went missing for 25 minutes.. I know nothing happened.. Now.. but at the time i was distraught then when i kicked him out he went to her house and stayed the night..... Needless to say that angered me even more and I lost control of my self I have since deleted all that and apologized.. he said he forgives me.. I just seen him tonight for an hour and a half and I have told him that.. He says he loves me but right now he thinks divorce is the answer.. he doesnt want to try again and be unhappy. he says he will not go to counseling with me..he says he wants us to be friends when its all over I told him that was probably not an option and he thinks I am wrong for that.. He isnt seeing anyone else and says he doesnt want too.. he tells me Im beautiful and sexy and for the first time actually asked for a hug goodbye and said he would text me tomorrow..I told him if he thought there would never be a chance for us to let me know otherwise I know he loves me and I cant give up on love..he said he cant say that he doesnt know how he will feel tomorrow but today he thinks divorce is the answer..he wants us to work together on things but I said a month is to soon to start emptying the house.. I am so confused right now.. I cant give up..I know he loves me and I know there is anger even though he says there isnt.. I have invited him to rent a room from me to help but he says thats not an option because being near me he wants to work it out but knows thats a bad idea... You want me and want to help me and love me and miss me but... that makes no sense to me


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I do not really understand where your husband is coming from...maybe he's looking for you to figure out something but it's an odd way to go about it if that's the case, much easier if he just came out with it.

I am not sure what kind of boundaries you have set up for your husband and his ex, but it doesn't really seem reasonable to me to kick him out of his own house because he went "missing" for 25 minutes. I would be very hesitant to come back to that situation too - he'd be wondering what you'd do the next time you feel angry inside. And on the other side of that, staying over with his ex after you kicked him out seems like it's guaranteed to increase the anger and appears very spiteful.

Are there any kind of trust issues in the marriage prior to this, or any sources of tension? It might help paint a more detailed picture. Seems like there must be more to this somehow.


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## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

The boundries were broken ages ago... They are hang out buddies even though I was always invited i am not a partier.. last November she was almost homeless so to help her we moved her in our house.. She moved out this past november as i became mean I was tired of her children never having rules and her wanting to go out partying and my husband would go and have to pay for her I was tired of her never helping with any bills and if I would say anything to her she would say ok ill definately back off but then she would run and tell on me like a child to my husband.. she finally moved out and still called and text him non stop always with petty stuff when I asked where they were that 25 minutes I was told it was none of my business but they werent doing anything wrong.. now also I had left them 2 hours earlier and they were suppose to be right behind me it was just 25 minutes of that time that was un accounted for they refused to answer my calls or text.. i had their daughter with me.. She has always been our issue..other than finances


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Wow.

I think it was very generous of you to let his ex move back in... but since your H is bad with the boundaries you set up, it sounds like this was a disaster.

Holy cow I can't help but feel like your husband took advantage of you knowing this new information. No wonder you were angry.

I understand you really miss your husband but, at least to me, it sounds like you are not a couple but rather a triangle.  

Maybe someone else has some ideas, but my recommendation would be to back off, stop contact for a good long while, and then if he wants to reconcile, insist that it is you or the ex and not both. I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

Thank you.. I am having so much trouble with the No contact thing.. we talk almost everyday since he left.. Today we were discussing that we had no reason to see each other again since he changed his direct deposit and he kept making excuses to see me that were silly little things..Finally he said he enjoys seeing me.. we hung out last night for an hour and a half and he says divorce is what he thinks we need to do just because he doesnt want to be unhappy again..Today he said in a text "I didnt say divorce would make me happy, I didnt say that at all" after I said I am happy divorce will make you so happy...I tried to tell him that we are on opposite sides of the fence and it is to much he looks at me and wants divorce but I look at him and want to show him how much I love him..but when he looks at me I can see how much he loves me.. I know its in there Im scared of him losing it rather than seeing it.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Sounds like your husband has a special relationship with the ex. He slept with her before, it's not so hard to see that he can do it again. I mean a person can be friend with an ex, but not this close.

The question is if you want him back, do you want her in your life too?
It looks like he is bluffing with the divorce comment. He just want to go out and have fun without you getting mad at him.


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## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

I asked him last night could he be sure he would still want a divorce in 2, 4, 6 months.. if so maybe I should give up he told me he could not guarantee he would want one tomorrow but today he knows he thinks its best he doesnt want to try again to be unhappy again down the road..But he is just trying to seperate us so fast right now..It makes no sense to say you want you want and then say i like seeing you and texting me all the time and I know where he is 90 % of the time..I even know his schedule even though i dont need to anymore..he lets me know things happening at his work.. he tells me things he has done..Him and my son went out of town this past weekend and my son would never tell what they did but my husband still tells me everything..I dont understand if he wants a divorce why he doesnt break the connection with the things that are personal instead of breaking it with material things..


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## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

I tried the NC rule for three days the entire time he tried to contact me by every means possible.. email, phone calls, texts, twitter dm's, facebook and even myspace.. He would say he was going to stop texting me then a few hours later send another.. he was funny and said many things and I just would not reply.. Today i called him back.. i carefully planned what to say before calling.. i even wrote it down as not to say it wrong and be able to refer back if necessary.. Today he said that he definately seen a chance in working it out more so than he did.. tomorrow night we are going to have dinner and he is planning a sleep over.. i know its not a sex thing as I took care of that last week and let him know when he left I would be letting him go.. and then the NC started.. today when we talked he told me how miserable he was not talking to me..nd he feels so much better now.. He seems real excited about seeing me tomorrow night but of course I am just sick with worry..he said he loves me and misses me and I am still praying so hard for this to work.. i dont know i can only hope but maybe there is a chance..anyone have any insight? or what do you think this could be?


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

hi, your husband is sending you mixed signals, probably because he wants to reconcile. the problems is - is that the best thing for you? his ex should not feel comfortable enough to go complaining to your husband about boundaries you have set with her (if I understood that correctly). she should know that her place is behind the both of you, who are a couple first & foremost. obviously she'll always play a major part in his life, since they have a child together, but that doesn't elevate her to your status as the current wife.

this is something that your husband needs to understand and it is something that HE needs to make her understand. he needs to be the one setting boundaries with her for the both of you & not you.

but if i was you i would think long & hard about getting back into this relationship without making some fundamental changes- i definately wouldn't accept the relationship dynamic that you have going on. good luck


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## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

How about we talked monday night and we are together again.. but not really.. as of today we have been back together for 2 days if you ask him..NOW he isnt coming home at all in fact he is going to rent his ex wifes basement and live there for a while.. he thinks its best we dont move back in together right away..He thinks we still need to work on ourselves some more as well as financial things.. he is going to be here as much as he can when he is off work and he is going to start helping with the bills again..He is my husband and we are exclusive.. I am not sure this is ok at all.. I dont know what to do.. I am just crying more now.. i dont think this is fair to me.. he is suppose to come over tonight because her and her ex are rekindling and he is trying to not be in their way.. Is this fair to me he still wants to set up his own little place in her basement I tink he should come home...someone please say something please..


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You do realize he`s sleeping with his Ex don`t you?


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## Bfitz (Nov 7, 2011)

He isnt.. That is one thing I am positive of...He isnt sleeping with nor has he slept with anyone but me since we have been together..even since we separated we have gotten together for that even when he was saying he wanted a divorce. And she has a man that is there also...


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

Bfitz said:


> How about we talked monday night and we are together again.. but not really.. as of today we have been back together for 2 days if you ask him..NOW he isnt coming home at all in fact he is going to rent his ex wifes basement and live there for a while.. he thinks its best we dont move back in together right away..He thinks we still need to work on ourselves some more as well as financial things.. he is going to be here as much as he can when he is off work and he is going to start helping with the bills again..He is my husband and we are exclusive.. I am not sure this is ok at all.. I dont know what to do.. I am just crying more now.. i dont think this is fair to me.. he is suppose to come over tonight because her and her ex are rekindling and he is trying to not be in their way.. Is this fair to me he still wants to set up his own little place in her basement I tink he should come home...someone please say something please..


hi, i think this is ridiculous. your husband is nuts if he thinks that living in his ex's basement is ok while he's having marital problems with you. 

is there no other dwelling that he could live in while you guys"work on yourselves"? and i dont accept the financial thing as an excuse because then he could live at your place in another room, or the basement or at another friend or family or coworker or whatever. but NOT at his ex's place when he knows that its is an issue that is contributing to the breakdown of your marriage.

Why would he want to be at your place "as much as he can when he is off work" if he needs the space to work on himself away from you? it doesn't make any sense at all.:scratchhead:

Of course it's not fair to you. your H wants to have his cake & eat it- and you're allowing him to. he must stop wasting your time- either commit to this marriage & make a clean break with the ex OR you move on with your life. he needs to stop using you as a human doormat, you deserve better than this.


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