# Communication In Marriage



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Is your communication in marriage good? I read here and wonder what communication must be like in marriage if so many are not getting what they want or need. I cannot believe I'm the special snowflake who gets the man who will talk/listen to me if I need or want something. Or am I? Is this worse than I know because my man is a freaking saint? :surprise:


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Kitt said:


> Is your communication in marriage good? I read here and wonder what communication must be like in marriage if so many are not getting what they want or need. I cannot believe I'm the special snowflake who gets the man who will talk/listen to me if I need or want something. Or am I? Is this worse than I know because my man is a freaking saint? :surprise:


I've always been able to bounce everything & anything off of my Husband. He's never made me feel like it's too much or anything like that.. he's very EASY to share my heart with..

I landed here due to a sex drive increase that was messing with my head.. I communicated this all the way through ...we had some fights along the way when I would get antsy.. but all in all.. our communication.. my reaching deeper to understand him.. and his care for me... it's taken us to new heights...

If we fight... (it's pretty rare really)....he's generally the one with the halo, I have the horns ... even then, we are miserable until we start airing it out.. we can't stay away from each other!!...it's kinda a funny dynamic we have.. but I wouldn't trade it.. Nothing wrong with a little heated conflict once in a while...it's all in how it's handled. 

You might like this thread I did on "Open ended questions" .. to liven the communication & stir the intimacy..








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I haven't learned a whole lot about realtionships that surprised me since I joined TAM but the lack of communication for some marriages would be one of them. What people are ok with not sharing with thier spouse astounds me. Would never work for me but seems to work for them so good for them.

Maybe open and honest communication is just a somewhat rare thing but I'm glad you have it with your spouse.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My husband listens, too. My signature describes him.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> I haven't learned a whole lot about realtionships that surprised me since I joined TAM but the lack of communication for some marriages would be one of them. What people are ok with not sharing with thier spouse astounds me. Would never work for me but seems to work for them so good for them.
> 
> Maybe open and honest communication is just a somewhat rare thing but I'm glad you have it with your spouse.


I know.. I was getting ready to leave a reply on this thread *>>* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...89-super-private-spouse-would-bother-you.html.... and I sounded half CORKED because what this woman is dealing with -would cause STEAM to come out my ears...







...I'd have like no patience for this ...at all.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband and I can share anything...though we don't necessarily do it in a good way, we are both kind of challenged in that way. But I do know that he is open to me and I am to him. We always end up at an understanding no matter how challenged we are, though.


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

You're not alone. I was going to reply in your thread about being mindful and not stressing your husband out by being aggro about his co-workers (wrote it up but lost the post.) My husband and I talk shop almost every day. He has a co-worker who I refer to "Squawk Box", which is the nicest I can get. I realized my vehemence towards Mr. Squawk there wasn't really helping and switched tactics. 

My husband listens to me and values my feedback. And I definitely listen to him and value his feedback. In my wedding vow, I described him as my "most trusted adviser" and that remains true today. We are both invested in each other's happiness and both have made changes to accommodate each other. He is a true partner to me. I think I appreciate him more each time I log onto TAM!


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Good communication is not something that is guaranteed. We started off with good communication but with the complications of kids, work and activities it devolved into toxic communication. Our marriage decended into a morass that was increasingly unbearable. I finally realized that we were always assuming the worst as the context for nearly everything. With a lot of work after having realized that I was able to break the habit and reestablish trust that opened up her communication to be positive as well. 

Learning to communicate again is what saved our marriage. It was then utilized when I started having feelings for one of my wife's best friends. I was embarking on an EA. Fortunately it was only one sided at this point when my wife started mentioning my girlfriend. I listened to my spouse. It still took awhile to extract myself from the EA but I did because I listened and acted on what my wife said because we had reestablished good communication. 

Kitt, you are fortunate that you both communicate well because it's not always a part of marriage. It wasn't in mine for many years but it is now and will always be going forward.


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

meson said:


> Good communication is not something that is guaranteed. We started off with good communication but with the complications of kids, work and activities it devolved into toxic communication. Our marriage decended into a morass that was increasingly unbearable. I finally realized that we were always assuming the worst as the context for nearly everything. With a lot of work after having realized that I was able to break the habit and reestablish trust that opened up her communication to be positive as well.
> 
> Learning to communicate again is what saved our marriage. It was then utilized when I started having feelings for one of my wife's best friends. I was embarking on an EA. Fortunately it was only one sided at this point when my wife started mentioning my girlfriend. I listened to my spouse. It still took awhile to extract myself from the EA but I did because I listened and acted on what my wife said because we had reestablished good communication.
> 
> Kitt, you are fortunate that you both communicate well because it's not always a part of marriage. It wasn't in mine for many years but it is now and will always be going forward.


Oh, yes, I'm very mindful of making sure that I check my attitude in communication. One thing you mentioned was a penchant for only seeing the worst, and I can definitely see how that would crop up if you weren't mindful of everyday connection. I'm so glad you two worked on this and hope you always will....my marriage is always a work in orogress. This is why I'm here..to make it better before it gets stale or problems snowball. 
My Husband, in his infinite wisdom, once told me that we were not going to watch the house burn down around us before we started taking an active interest in our marriage. I agreed. Twenty years of marriage has taught me that life is hard enough....I mean there are stuff I would never have guessed would come up in our lives...without having the love and support of your spouse to get through them. Thanks for your thoughts.


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Kitt said:


> Oh, yes, I'm very mindful of making sure that I check my attitude in communication. One thing you mentioned was a penchant for only seeing the worst, and I can definitely see how that would crop up if you weren't mindful of everyday connection. *I'm so glad you two worked on this and hope you always will....my marriage is always a work in orogress. This is why I'm here..to make it better before it gets stale or problems snowball.*
> My Husband, in his infinite wisdom, once told me that we were not going to watch the house burn down around us before we started taking an active interest in our marriage. I agreed. Twenty years of marriage has taught me that life is hard enough....I mean there are stuff I would never have guessed would come up in our lives...without having the love and support of your spouse to get through them. Thanks for your thoughts.



Sometimes our communication reverts when we are super busy and stressed but knowing now what it's like to have toxic communication really helps. Just last night we were talking about her work and an employee that is leaving and I was making a point independent and distinct from her point and she took it as being dismissive and critical of her point. I could tell by the tone in her voice that this is what was happening. So I took a step back and explained more about it and she got it after awhile. I need to keep watching for those inadvertent misunderstandings and just try to get a common understanding without judgement. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's harder.

It's good that you are here to keep your marriage fresh and identify problems before they start. But beware that sometimes reading about the tragedies of others can cause us to make issues out of nothing. It is easy to become way too paranoid here.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can communicate well, yet still disagree. So, even excellently communicating couples may not get what they want. That is more a function of good compatibility than good communication - they could even communicate poorly and still meet each other's needs in that case.


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> You can communicate well, yet still disagree. So, even excellently communicating couples may not get what they want. That is more a function of good compatibility than good communication - they could even communicate poorly and still meet each other's needs in that case.


This is true! A couple needs to also have good skills at fair dispute resolution and compromise. Communication identifies issues but they shouldn't be ignored. Fortunately our compatibility is a similar idea of what fair give and take is for the relationship.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Kitt said:


> Is your communication in marriage good? I read here and wonder what communication must be like in marriage if so many are not getting what they want or need. I cannot believe I'm the special snowflake who gets the man who will talk/listen to me if I need or want something. Or am I? Is this worse than I know because my man is a freaking saint? :surprise:


My partner is the one that has held us together in this regard, he is an excellent communicator, I struggle. He is slowly teaching me to talk, I am teaching him to listen, we are ace people :yay:


----------



## Hopeless2015 (Jul 1, 2015)

Please help! My husband and I have only been married 3 MONTHS and have been living seperate for 2. We argued and fought non stop right after we got married. We had our first counseling session today and that was a disaster. We aired dirty laundry that we didnt know the other had issues with. I dont know what to do. If we should cut our losses or try to salvage it. Communication is terrible and when we try to talk we always end up pointing fingers and placing blame.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Congrats on being the snowflake that's in a blizzard all the time.

Honestly, after almost 25 years... I have to say, the communication level comes & goes. 
Sometimes it's quite a drought.:frown2:
Sometimes a good rain after the dry spell (*these are usually the best & most revealing conversations)*:grin2:
Sometimes you get a wet season...>
Sometimes its just drizzle drizzle, drizzle, day after day after week after week...
Sometimes it's a freaking thunderstorm/downpour/blizzard.:surprise:
Occasionally, the blizzard can be good for getting snowed in, etc... but there can be damage from too hard of a thunderstorm downpour....:crying: afterthat, you kind of hope for just the drizzly season for a week or two.


----------



## tropicaltess (Jul 25, 2015)

Communication is totally one sided in our marriage. Unless he's talking about work, fantasy football or cars he doesn't talk. As for listening, nope.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

After 15 years together, it is much better then before. That said, one thing communicate, the other is actually listen. I think listening skills just as important as communication. There is no use of communicating, if other party do not listen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tropicaltess (Jul 25, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> After 15 years together, it is much better then before. That said, one thing communicate, the other is actually listen. I think listening skills just as important as communication. There is no use of communicating, if other party do not listen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. My hubs has 0 listening skills.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

tropicaltess said:


> Exactly. My hubs has 0 listening skills.


_Have you talked to him about this?_ :rofl:

(Sorry, I couldn't resist!)

But seriously--have you tried to work with him on this? Has it always been this way? Does it bother you, or are you ok with it? (I'm guessing that you're not--your posts sounded a little bitter. Not judging, just observing.) 

I saw your post in the taking a bullet thread--there's obviously some stuff going on for you right now. And let's be honest--happily married people don't usually seek out a place like TAM. If you want to talk, if you want some feedback, start a thread, and we'll talk to you.

(Don't post it here... hijacking another's thread isn't cool on the forum  )


----------



## tropicaltess (Jul 25, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> _Have you talked to him about this?_ :rofl:
> 
> (Sorry, I couldn't resist!)
> 
> ...


LOL. No need to be sorry. That was funny. Our marriage is so far gone. I'll stop there. You are right, it's not cool hijacking a thread.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

tropicaltess said:


> LOL. No need to be sorry. That was funny. Our marriage is so far gone. I'll stop there. You are right, it's not cool hijacking a thread.


I was more concerned that by my posting a question directed at you (and so implicitly expecting an answer), I was inadvertently encouraging a newbie to hijack a thread and break the forum rules.

I wanted to make it clear that I was not being a bad influence :grin2:


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Kitt said:


> Is your communication in marriage good? I read here and wonder what communication must be like in marriage if so many are not getting what they want or need. I cannot believe I'm the special snowflake who gets the man who will talk/listen to me if I need or want something. Or am I? Is this worse than I know because my man is a freaking saint? :surprise:


Honestly, the best communication I have with my wife is after sex.
It's like hitting the "reset" button. Right after sex we talk a mile a minute, I go get something to eat, we still keep talking and then she slowly falls asleep while I watch tv.
Day 2 is still good, we talk about everything with no expectations of sex.
Day 3 I start to wonder if she is possibly in the mood. If she is standoffish I tend to let her be and we start not communicating well.
Day 4 She starts to see me wonder away from her emotionally and she pulls me back in with a twinkle in her eye and we have sex. RESET. REPEAT.

So, for us sex is the best "communication" tool we have.
On the other hand, if there were no sex, I don't believe I would be communicating anything but frustration.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

To be blunt, no. This is at least as much my fault as hers, as I tend to not let her know what I'm thinking (a defense mechanism that I've had since I was a kid - got in trouble in HS for not communicating with my parents regarding my bad grades in school). Part of it is being afraid that if I say what I'm thinking (which anymore isn't pleasant) that will set off a chain reaction that I won't be able to stop. 

Yes, I know it's not healthy.


----------



## jodilee (Aug 31, 2013)

Communication is horrid in my marriage.. I have no clue what to do. Social Media (texts, facebook, phone, etc) he is a wonderful communicator and will do so great with his buddies as the caring good friend. With me I can't tell him anything that is bothering me, nothing at all or it becomes an argument so i'm stuck holding it in letting things boil inside.

Now some old friends, a married couple just split up, the man being a person that my husband was good friends with but had a very bad falling out and has been is rival of sorts for awhile now. My husband has been so into friending the woman on facebook, posting supportive comments on her facebook and messenging her. She had me blocked and I told him I didn't like he was friending a newly single woman that had me blocked, I never done anything to her. He got mad at me and yelled and screamed at me and told me any facebook conversations he was leaving. I see the things he posts and stuff like when he lived in Ohio, this girl is from Ohio. He is quick to go help her step dad with his truck at her house. I just think something is up here. The sad thing is I'm so tired because lack of communication and being yelled at for trying to talk about **** bothering me has done nothing but put walls up more and more around me to point that i'm ready to get out of this marriage and if he wants her than its a so be it and have at it.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Recently asked my H if there was any way, any words, any approach to bringing up something I'm unhappy with that he will be ok with. He said he couldn't think of a way.

In short, there is no "good" communication if it's not about safe topics. Anything real or about us is not ok to bring up. 

What I read about communication on TAM, at least I know that my wanting open communication has been the right thing. At least good communication and a good marriage seem to correlate pretty strongly here.


----------

