# Husband is blowing up MY Business!



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

I just started a new business and I needed someone to make a website and logo for my client. My husband was extremely upset that I wasn't going to use the guy who did HIS website. So, I talked to him...got a quote and used him.

Well, I paid the guy his retainer (my client paid me -- I paid the webdesigner) and now he's not meeting deadlines. I am about to lose the client.

I started making calls to find someone ELSE to do the job. That would require me paying out of pocket for the new person - and then fighting to get my money back from the original guy.

My husband said no. He said we will not be using OUR money to fund your client's website. I reminded him that this was HIS recommendation and I'm not going to lose the client over this. He says he is forbidding that I use our money to fix it. If I want work done I better just try threatening the original web designer with a lawsuit.

I need something done ASAP. The original web designer told me via phone last night that some clients are just like this..and just because we aren't meeting all their deadlines, doesn't mean I will lose them. Essentially - settle down....don't worry about their expectations...and stop bugging me.

What should I do here?


----------



## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

How did you pay? Was there a contract?


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

The webdesigner demanded certified check. I paid that way.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Lesson learned, don't ever let your husband make business decisions for your business. You are in control of your business not him. Listen to his advice but you don't have to take them. Start feeling confident in your decision making process, learn to trust your intuition. I start making calls everyday to the web designer don't take their advice, this is your business. Husband should not get an easy pass on this, it was his bad advice that landed you in this mess. Have him call them as well. And start threatening legal action for lost of your client. 

Don't ever get into the habit of using personal finances for your business. Don't mix the two.


----------



## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

I mean no disrespect, but you should never pay full amount until after work completion. If he/she refuses the work due to you not paying prior, you should have moved on. There are thousands of web designers. I even use to do it. Second, never take recommendations from friends and family. It causes drama, especially when expectations aren't met, and its just good business. Third, there are a few things you can do. Use threats, BBB, lawsuits and of course bad reviews if they are a large business. If he is not part of a large company it becomes much more difficult and becomes a longer process. Most likely he will not give up what you paid, it will take a lawsuit. As for your relationship with your husband and this money situation, maybe a loan with your company as backing, not yourself, would be in order. I would not want to lose clients over this. Not only does it make you look bad to this client but it will give you a reputation.


----------



## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

Did your client change his mind on a lot of things throughout the timeline? As a designer, I have to say every time there is a change even a simple one it takes a long time to adjust.


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

There are so many problems here that you all have addressed.

First off, I did not pay full up front. He required 50 percent down as a retainer for the job. I have paid that. But, that still over 10k! 
This is a MAJOR client. I wanted to at least hire someone to do the logo for the business as fast as possible -- and let the web designer just get to work (albiet slowly) on the website. 

That will cost me about 2k out of my pocket, but isn't it worth it?

The other issue is my husband has been running my finances for the business. He's run businesses before and now does it for me too. So, he's handled all of this and he is taking a very difficult stance -- saying he knows what's best and since he has so much experience - HE should be handling it. Not me.

But, I'm beginning to worry because last night he suggested that I put him in the business AND list his daughter as an employee (she doesn't work for me)....so he can somehow tell the accountant that the money he pays for her car -- is actually deductible salary. 

I looked at him like he had 3 heads and he got annoyed and told me that I don't realize what is necessary to keep taxes down. 





depressedandexhausted said:


> I mean no disrespect, but you should never pay full amount until after work completion. If he/she refuses the work due to you not paying prior, you should have moved on. There are thousands of web designers. I even use to do it. Second, never take recommendations from friends and family. It causes drama, especially when expectations aren't met, and its just good business. Third, there are a few things you can do. Use threats, BBB, lawsuits and of course bad reviews if they are a large business. If he is not part of a large company it becomes much more difficult and becomes a longer process. Most likely he will not give up what you paid, it will take a lawsuit. As for your relationship with your husband and this money situation, maybe a loan with your company as backing, not yourself, would be in order. I would not want to lose clients over this. Not only does it make you look bad to this client but it will give you a reputation.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Oh Girl, you are losing control from the get go. Start taking a firm stand. No to the daughter. Tell him you want everything done right. You are not going to put his name on the business or his daughter. 

Maybe, it time to fire him. Can you do the financing by yourself? For taxes maybe pay a CPA to do your quarterly reports and pay state taxes. 

While, husbands are nice to having helping, they want to take control. I have an issue with people controlling what is mines. 

In order to save your marriage, fire your husband. That way, your business does not bring any negativity into your marriage. He is going to be mad for a bit, but rather that, than a constant problem.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

marriagevsbiz said:


> The other issue is my husband has been running my finances for the business. He's run businesses before and now does it for me too. So, he's handled all of this and he is taking a very difficult stance -- saying he knows what's best and since he has so much experience - HE should be handling it. Not me.


First - you stop having him do *YOUR* business finances

Second - doesn't matter how much experience *DOES HE RUN YOUR BUSINESS*? If the answer is no, then politely let him know that you value his input, however, matters of business are your call




marriagevsbiz said:


> But, I'm beginning to worry because last night he suggested that I put him in the business AND list his daughter as an employee (she doesn't work for me)....so he can somehow tell the accountant that the money he pays for her car -- is actually deductible salary.


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO and NO
Now he's attempting to pull crap, that can get you into trouble, to save money on paying for his daughter's car
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO and and again NO



marriagevsbiz said:


> I looked at him like he had 3 heads and he got annoyed and told me that I don't realize what is necessary to keep taxes down.


At this point, you now need to go over your finances with a professional and make sure of what he has been doing with *YOUR* business money. You need to make sure has hasn't done anything that can get you in trouble.

He needs to no longer do your finances

He needs to be out of *YOUR* business. I don't care how much experience he has, he is already showing signs of thinking of doing illegal money activity.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You need to remove the family element from your business. This isn't working out well for you. Family and business have to be separated


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

This is very true and scary to boot. 
He won't even hand over the passwords to his online records because he says that I need to trust him -- and my lack of trust is very concerning to him.

It's frustrating -- and now I find myself in a real mess.



snerg said:


> First - you stop having him do *YOUR* business finances
> 
> Second - doesn't matter how much experience *DOES HE RUN YOUR BUSINESS*? If the answer is no, then politely let him know that you value his input, however, matters of business are your call
> 
> ...


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You don't see the issue with him "forbidding" you from doing things with your own business? Time to grow a backbone and fire him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

the more I read your postings, the more I am concerned. 

Fire your husband. You need to have full financial disclosure of your business. You need to know where every single penny is at every moment. He cannot be allowed to have the only access to your finances. When it comes to money trust no one. Not even your husband. FIRE HIM NOW. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> the more I read your postings, the more I am concerned.
> 
> Fire your husband. You need to have full financial disclosure of your business. You need to know where every single penny is at every moment. He cannot be allowed to have the only access to your finances. When it comes to money trust no one. Not even your husband. FIRE HIM NOW. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE.


:iagree:

Something fishy is going on here. You need to take back control of YOUR business.


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

When you say fishy... What are you thinking? I'm already worried of course... But do you think he's doing something worse? 

The only thing i discovered is that he used my quarterly taxes to pay off his daughter's car. He said he would use a low interest rate credit card (if he didn't have the cash) by then to pay my business taxes.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

NO. NO. He did not do that. It's starting. Fire him. Get your paper work out of his hands. He is doing a lot of wrong stuff already when you just started. This is not good. He is going have you owing money and destroy your business before it gets off the ground. 

I am going to say it. It's not personal. I am looking out for you here. 

YOU ARE BEING STUPID. HE IS CONTROLLING YOUR MONEY AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR TRUST. WHY WAS THAT OK FOR HIM TO DO. COME ON. YOU ARE NOW A BUSINESS WOMAN. GET FAMILY OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS. 

I am getting hives, reading your post.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

marriagevsbiz said:


> When you say fishy... What are you thinking? I'm already worried of course... But do you think he's doing something worse?
> 
> *The only thing i discovered is that he used my quarterly taxes to pay off his daughter's car. He said he would use a low interest rate credit card (if he didn't have the cash) by then to pay my business taxes*.


That within itself is grounds for firing your H. Your business tax money comes first over paying off a car for a child of his. Especially since you had to "discover" because he didn't tell you that's what he planned on doing with YOUR business tax money.


----------



## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

Wow…absolute agreement with everyone else about separating your family and your business.

Husbands and wives can work successfully together, but only if there are clear boundaries between work and home and only when there are clear responsibilities built on mutual trust.

It looks like none of that is going on here.

I would also like to advise some caution here, concerning your marriage, not your business.

It sounds like you guys need to open up some better lines of communication, establish some better personal boundaries, and find better ways to deal with disputes.

If this was just another employee I would drop them today, seize control of the finances, and call the Web-designer and let him know that he has a deadline and will be sued for breach of contract, etc, if he does not meet it.

However, if you just up and fire your husband out of the blue and take control, you will likely strengthen your business…

…and deal a blow to your marriage.

Time to have a serious, long talk with him, and find a way to separate these parts of your life without strong-arming your husband.

If he refuses to be reasonable and find a workable solution, then more drastic actions might be necessary.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Doesn't this sound like weirdo526's thread with the controlling husband meddling on her business and refusing to have much to do with his kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

You do need to get rid of him, but from what I have read so far, he has either done a few things that are illegal or is about to. You need to hire somebody outside of your business. A financial and tax specialist. You need to do this to protect yourself. If you do end up giving any lee way to your husband in regards to your business, you need to set boundaries, boundaries made by contract, legal binding contract. I do not recomend you mix family and business, as I said before.

also....

1. Your husband wont let you look at his financials. Expects you to trust him. But he gets access to your business???
2. You just paid a web designer, recommended by your husband, no work has been done. Can you get an update, maybe some screen shots of work progress, or even a layout of what has been done?
3. Husband is trying to get his daughter on payroll, to claim. <<< I am no specialist, but this sounds very fishy to me....

I see this man as a fraud. I see him as trying to take advantage of you. I wonder if the money you paid to a web designer went to one of his accounts? I wonder if he got money for the recommendation. However I do not know more than you have given me, so he could be helping you financially, doubt it, but it is possible.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marriagevsbiz said:


> When you say fishy... What are you thinking? I'm already worried of course... But do you think he's doing something worse?
> 
> The only thing i discovered is that he used my quarterly taxes to pay off his daughter's car. He said he would use a low interest rate credit card (if he didn't have the cash) by then to pay my business taxes.


THIS ALONE is totally uncool, and totally wrong. And it might be illegal. I don't know. What I DO know is that he should NOT have done this without your approval! But he knew you would say "no," which is why he didn't ask in the first place.

And this is the only thing you've DISCOVERED. People who do shady, unethical things don't do them in isolation. There's a reason he won't give you the access/passwords to your own accounts. If he was being legit with your money, if he was doing it right, he wouldn't be hiding it from you. People only hide stuff when they have something to hide. Someone who says "You just need to trust me" and who won't explain his methods or be transparent is almost certainly doing something that you would consider a violation of trust--otherwise, he wouldn't have to ask/tell you to "just trust me."

When you see a single c0ckroach, that means there are a lot more hiding...


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Doesn't this sound like weirdo526's thread with the controlling husband meddling on her business and refusing to have much to do with his kids?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG, it totally does, first thought that I had when I read the thread initially... and I don't think Weirdo526 has posted any updates, has she?

Hmm.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Holy cow, you are going to wake up to a tax mess if you don't get control now. He obviously has ethics issues and if he goes down, you'll go down harder.

You get ALL your records, hire a CPA, hound that designer, and keep your H out of the business. 

You do NOT pay Taxes with a credit card after using the tax money for a kids car....holy cow....


----------



## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Doesn't this sound like weirdo526's thread with the controlling husband meddling on her business and refusing to have much to do with his kids?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was just going to say the exact same thing.

Leave the controlling SOB already, and stop making new screen names .


----------



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

JustTired said:


> That within itself is grounds for firing your H. Your business tax money comes first over paying off a car for a child of his. Especially since you had to "discover" because he didn't tell you that's what he planned on doing with YOUR business tax money.


I'm a tax accountant  

If, op, you're talking about your quarterly tax estimate payments, you absolutely NEED to send those in timely or you WILL face penalties. Additionally, his scheme to save money with the use of a ghost employee constitutes tax evasion. There are plenty of legal ways to deduct expenses and plan to reduce your tax burden. Your husband does not seem to be aware of these methods, but any CPA firm could certainly help you out. Additionally, they can help you establish an entity that excludes your husband if that's something you think you should pursue. A local, small firm (look for 5-10 partners and 25-100 other staff) can also keep your books for you at a very reasonable cost, and this also expedited your tax filing process.

Additionally, it's IMPERATIVE for you to be in control of your business' finances. Please open a separate business account and change all of your business-related bill payments, incoming business transfers/payments, etc. You should also open a line of credit that is exclusively for business use.

I've seen these situations go wrong (ie turn fraudulent or result in the collapse of an otherwise successful business) so many times. Please protect yourself.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how much is his daughter's car payment a month?


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I agree that she needs to get him out of her business and separate business if they are going to have any chance together.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

There is so much wrong here ! I am at a loss where to start.

Depressed dad is right, web design plagued with details. So to start:

His using your tax money to pay for his step daughters car is FRAUD The IRS does not care if your business manager EMBEZZLED the funds. Your are the one fined and face prison. To them, You owe, you pay. 

He recommend this guy? Why isn't your husband at the designers studio 24/7 screaming to get the job done and stop embarrassing me. To me, the designer is a failure, and your husband is the fool that recommend him. 

Your description of has attitude makes me question how he views you. Spare me his psycho blad. Facts are facts.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

marriagevsbiz said:


> The only thing i discovered is that he used my quarterly taxes to pay off his daughter's car. He said he would use a low interest rate credit card (if he didn't have the cash) by then to pay my business taxes.


 OMG he took money that is owed by you for taxes to pay off his daughter's loan without your permission? That is not only a betrayal of trust, buts shows that he is not a very good business person. Taxes are one of those things that does not go away even if you file for bankruptcy, where a car loan does go away. In business you just do not do this. Also, why pay off his daughter's loan with your money, only to barrow the money again where you will now be on the hook instead of her? He gives you bad advice on who to hire for a project, forbids you to use family money to fix the problem, and then takes your money to pay off his daughter's car loan? He does these things and tells you to trust him while not letting you have the password to the books? 

He is not a real businessman. If he were he would not need to steal money from your business that he does not have. Cheaters and crooks say "screw you" the same way. They say "trust me". When you wake up from this, you will have no money, no business, will owe money to the government that you cannot declare bankruptcy from, and you will be alone with no husband. You need to put a stop to this ASAP before it is too late if it is not already too late.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JohnA said:


> He recommend this guy? Why isn't your husband at the designers studio 24/7 screaming to get the job done and stop embarrassing me. To me, the designer is a failure, and your husband is the fool that recommend him.


 Based on the lack of ethics in the way that he paid off his daughter's car loan, I now think that the husband may have had the designer over charge the wife, so that the designer could apply the overcharge to secretly pay off money that the husband owed the designer.


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

I don't believe he had any overcharge...but who knows. 

I am having a difficult time because he is very abrasive. When I told him yesterday that I did not believe having his daughter on my biz was a good idea...he got angry. He informed me that I was just trying to start a fight and that statement is evidence that I have a personal issue with daughter because she ignore my requests for lunch. 

I told him that was simply not the case, it's just that I want to be honest and truthful. He said that I'm ignorant because the government deserves to have corners cut. 

The argument evolved and I requested money to buy something for my business and he told me no. He said (despite that I have extremely positive biz cash flow) we didn't have the money to be buying things right now. 

We were out of town at the time of this argument and he said he was getting in his car and heading back to the house without me!

When I started crying he said that I needed to stop acting like a victim and realize how damaging my actions are to our relationship.


----------



## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

Ok, this is really starting to sound like an abusive relationship….

It's time to reach out for some help, like, now. Business needs some tax help and you and hubby need marriage counseling, like, now.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with your husband that every tax payer should not only take every deduction that they can but should also look at structuring their finances is a way to take advantage of deductions. This includes businesses. But it as to be done legally, without shenanigans and wisely.

I had asked you how much the car payment is for a reason... not to snoop but to use in explaining something to you that apparently he and you do not seem to know. Since I do not have the real number, I'll pull one out of the sky... $500 ... perhaps a bit high, or perhaps not. But it will serve the purpose.

If you pay your step daughter enough money to pay a $500 car loan monthly... it's going to cost you and extra $90.32 to do this. This number is based only on the social security and Medicare tax.

Usually the employee and employer split this 50/50 ... or 7.65% each. But you will have to pay all of it so that there is $500 a month in her hands.

So you will need to pay her $541.42. Here is why.

Her half of the ss/med payment is $41.42. Your half is $41.42... So in total, just for these payments, she will cost you $82.84 a month. Add to that your workman's comp and any other cost of being an employer and you are losing money having her as an employee... a minimum of $82.84 a months or $994.05 a year just in SS/MDI taxes. Add to that $500 a month for her car payment... that's $6,000 a year for a total of $6994.05. Now I did not add any income tax that she would owe. So that has to be added to the equation. You would have to pay her even more to cover her income tax so that "she" (meaning your husband) gets $500 in hand to pay for the car.

The cost of this goes further. It's money that you cannot spend to build your company. You could spend $7K a year on things like computer equipment, advertising, web/social-media presence, etc. You could be using it to build your business. And when you do that it's 100% tax deductible.

Whose name is that loan in? Most likely your husband's. It's illegal for an employer to pay someone but keep the money. Your husband does not want to pay his daughter. He wants to use that to pay off a loan in his name. 

It's not only tax fraud, but also employer fraud and a felony.

Would his daughter even know that she's being involved in this scam? What is the possibility of his ex using this as a way to get back at him or to blackmail the two of you into doing whatever she wants?

Why doesn't your husband have enough money to pay the bills that he has made? Why is he taking money from your business?

You are married to a man who thinks he's come kind of a business wiz but instead he's not very smart at all. Would you trust an auto mechanic to give you heart surgery? Nope, right? Would you go to a doctor to have them do business and tax accounting? No. Why? Because he knows squat about business and tax accounting.

You need to have your own accountant handle our accounting and tax prep. 

You need to get your business in a legal form, LLC or SCorp.

You need to cut your husband out of your business. (I agree that he had you overpay some web guy and your husband took part of the money. It's a way that he drummed up a tax deduction for the business and pocketed your money.)

You need a bank account only for your business.

And you need to leave this guy.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriagevsbiz,

Check your PMs...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StilltheStudent said:


> Ok, this is really starting to sound like an abusive relationship….
> 
> It's time to reach out for some help, like, now. Business needs some tax help and you and hubby need marriage counseling, like, now.


It is an abusive relationship and the OP does not seem to be able to stand up for herself and leave.


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

marriagevsbiz said:


> I don't believe he had any overcharge...but who knows.
> 
> I am having a difficult time because he is very abrasive. When I told him yesterday that I did not believe having his daughter on my biz was a good idea...he got angry. He informed me that I was just trying to start a fight and that statement is evidence that I have a personal issue with daughter because she ignore my requests for lunch.
> 
> ...



I know it'll sound harsh but based on the above quote it's perfectly clear that you are too weak and naive to run a business. Basically, what you are doing right now is screwing your customer out of money and time. 

And one more thing.... the sooner you divorce your a$$hole husband the better for you.


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It is an abusive relationship and the OP does not seem to be able to stand up for herself and leave.



No question about it.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, marriagevsbiz,

You need to take Elegirl's advice as gospel. She is a lot like my SIL (CPA and managing partner in mid size CPA firm) and my mother all soft spoken women who when they start making declarative sentences in that tone, and slamming facts and figures down - it times to stop thinking and start moveing. In the same way if a true southern lady says "why bless your little heart dear" RUN!!!!

Seriously if you are not a troll fishing for poor girl pats on the back (and I don't think you are judging by some of the posters here), and your stroy is actually factual I can only ask how can your marriage and life NOT be a nightmare ??? I can only conclude you are so beating down that you are even afraid to hope. It can be made good, it can be made whole, really. Your question should not be about your biz it should be about your life and how to get one. There are a lot of women an more then a few men here who have been there and done that. Who like Harriet Tubband after escaping suavely to the north, kept returning to the south to guide others to freedom because a part of their healing was to help get the next one out. 

The longest journey does not start with the first step, it starts with the courage to decided to take the first strep. After that it gets easier.


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

Ellegirl, I just got a chance to read your post and financial breakdown. Boy, you are right. I didn't realize much of that... But, bottom line... I knew it has to be illegal because she simply doesn't work for me!

Also in this scheme he mentioned, he wanted to list himself as the majority owner of the biz...and then just pay me a smaller salary...so I could (in his words) hide money from my ex so he can't get the amount of child support that the state would guarantee. 

I told him that I didn't like that for several reasons. 1) not fair to my ex/child. 2) it's a lie and wrong. 3) I take great pride in being successful ... And giving me a little tiny salary is not right!

He immediately told me that I am clearly on my ex's side and I bow down to him. That I need to look out for him and his (our) money more! 

It's just a constant pulling and tugging at me .. When I try to do things on my own.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marriagevsbiz said:


> Ellegirl, I just got a chance to read your post and financial breakdown. Boy, you are right. I didn't realize much of that... But, bottom line... I knew it has to be illegal because she simply doesn't work for me!
> 
> Also in this scheme he mentioned, he wanted to list himself as the majority owner of the biz...and then just pay me a smaller salary...so I could (in his words) hide money from my ex so he can't get the amount of child support that the state would guarantee.
> 
> ...


Your current H seems to be an ethical vacuum. It sounds like you are pretty ethical, even if you might be a bit naive. (Not meant as an insult, simply an observation.) So I'm a little surprised that you would marry someone like that in the first place.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

marriagevsbiz said:


> Also in this scheme he mentioned, he wanted to list himself as the majority owner of the biz...and then just pay me a smaller salary...so I could (in his words) hide money from my ex so he can't get the amount of child support that the state would guarantee.


 He already stole money from your business without your advanced permission to pay off his daughter's car loan. He has already claimed control over your money from your business by asserting that your business money is family money that he as your husband gets to control regardless of what you think. Now he wants to make the theft of your business official by having you make him majority shareholder of your company. The truth is that if he were the wise business person that he falsely claims, he would have assets of his own and would not need to steal yours. He lacks ethic and has not been financially successful, so he puts his energy into trying to take over your business instead of build or running his own business. Get him 100% out of your business right now before it is too late.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your H is controlling and abusive. And you are becoming weaker and weaker and weaker from dealing with him. Call YOUR lawyer and have him send - overnight - a letter to the design guy telling him that if he doesn't get your work done THIS WEEK, his client (you) will be taking him to court. That's usually enough to get them to prioritize your work.

Find a good therapist and start going at least every other week. You need a LOT of help dealing with an abusive husband who is running roughshod over you, your life, AND your business. The therapist will help you learn how to deal with each of his 'instances' of trying to bulldoze you into doing what he wants by using anger and raised voice and threats. She will help you with ready replies to when he does it, she will help you learn how to be stronger than you are.

Go to your bank and talk to a banker. Tell them that you want to take control of your own accounts and find out what's required to do so. You may have to get your lawyer involved again. No matter WHAT, your second priority (after taking care of your client) is to take back control of YOUR business and YOUR money. And whatever you do, DO NOT let him claim ANYWHERE that he is majority owner.

Will your H be mad? Yes. But unless he's also physically abusive, so what? They are just words. You can tell him he's welcome to move out if he doesn't like you taking back control. But he won't. His plan - as is with most abusers - is to TAKE your money and make HIS life better with it. He won't leave. He'll just try to belittle you, harass you, make you cry, so you'll cave, just like you have likely caved on every OTHER important thing.

btw, does he make it hard for you to spend time with your family or friends?


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

Yes he does make that difficult. He doesn't go out without me and he expects the same. He says he sees me as too pretty and too naive to be out with the girls with men "lurking". 

There are no "girls lunches"... I don't do any of that anymore. 

I used to and he still will say "God only knows what you did..." He's constantly implying that I am not straight and arrow. 

I was at a football game with him last weekend and my girlfriend and her boyfriend invited us. The guys went to go get drinks and during that time ...a friend of my GF came up and hugged her. He introduced himself to me. And kept talking to my GF. Then he had someone take a picture of them ...and he insisted I get in the picture. I immediately started texted my husband to tell him what was up but because of the crowds the texts were delayed. As he walked up, we began posing for this group picture. I was so panicked that he was going to be angry that as soon as I saw him, I reached for him to get into the same picture and I accidentally knocked the drink out of his hand. He was ticked. Said he can't leave me for 5 minutes without some guy trying to make moves on me and that I shouldn't have agreed to be in the picture. Thank goodness he ended up being in it, but he was not pleased with me. I literally was shaking because I was so nervous he was going to be mad. 

That's how worried I get now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then you need to educate yourself about abuse. Period. Get it done. If you don't educate yourself, he will mentally CRUSH you. Please start learning.

Start with this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Reprint, Lundy Bancroft - Amazon.com

In it, you'll learn that he isolates you to control you, to keep other people from telling you that he's bad news, to give you confidence after he berates you or steals from you. You'll learn that he makes it hard to see your family and friends because he's afraid they 'see' him and will tell you the truth. He 'took over' your money so you can't leave him. Basically, every single thing you've said is straight out of the book.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

marriagevsbiz said:


> he insisted I get in the picture. I immediately started texted my husband to tell him what was up but because of the crowds the texts were delayed. As he walked up, we began posing for this group picture. *I was so panicked* that *he was going to be angry* that as soon as I saw him, I reached for him to get into the same picture and I accidentally knocked the drink out of his hand. He was ticked. Said he can't leave me for 5 minutes without some guy trying to make moves on me and that I shouldn't have agreed to be in the picture. Thank goodness he ended up being in it, but he was not pleased with me. *I literally was shaking because I was so nervous he was going to be mad*.
> 
> That's how worried I get now.


That is the EFFECT of being abused. Your every thought, every move, every action, every word will be about AVOIDING HIS ANGER.

That's no way to live.

Read the book.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you have lost control of who you are. Your husband is in control of your business and not you. He is engaged in fraudulent activities regarding your business, yet you are too afraid to remove him from your business. He is now demanding that you turn over the business to him and relegate you to a paid employee position.

You are afraid of him! So, afraid that you fear picture taking (without him) in a crowded room with friends. You seek his validation in your day to day function as you are so afraid of his disapproval. You cannot function in a business, running like a scared rabbit from your husband.

Your marriage to this sociopath husband of yours is toxic to your well-being. Save yourself from this man. Fire him from your business & hire an accountant to sort out your financial matters. Leave your marriage while you can. The longer you stay in this marriage, the more tortured you will become.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriagevsbiz,

Have you created an LLC or SCorp for your business?

Have you opened a business bank account in your name only?


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> marriagevsbiz,
> 
> Have you created an LLC or SCorp for your business?
> 
> Have you opened a business bank account in your name only?


You can do this rather quickly on Zoom.com and take your tax id info and business info, go to the bank and open an account. Then, see if you can freeze the old account and transfer everything into the new account. Let this new account have only 1 signer, which will be you. 

Please do this. Help yourself to get out of his control. You situation is very concerning and your husband is very abusive. You have to take steps to protect what is yours and to be able to leave.


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

Thanks, Ellegirl. I am doing it this morning. I have some money in a personal bank account that he doesn't know is still open. I was able to avoid telling him about a recent client check. It's survival money, of course. 

The crazy thing is he freaks out one day about not having enough money for bills etc. he has relatively little debt. But he has a lot outgoing every month. Then, yesterday he called a pool company to consider a 70k pool in the backyard. 

He makes no sense. One day he says we are great financially. (I wouldn't know). Next, he says we have to cut WAY back. As soon as I suggest, we eat at home ... He says no... And drops 100 bucks on dinner. This happens almost every day! He said last year he spent 53k on eating out!!!!! In ONE year!!! Of course that's his bar nights, too


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

marriagevsbiz said:


> The crazy thing is he freaks out one day about not having enough money for bills etc. he has relatively little debt. But he has a lot outgoing every month. Then, yesterday he called a pool company to consider a 70k pool in the backyard.
> 
> He makes no sense. One day he says we are great financially. (I wouldn't know). Next, he says we have to cut WAY back. As soon as I suggest, we eat at home ... He says no... And drops 100 bucks on dinner. This happens almost every day! He said last year he spent 53k on eating out!!!!! In ONE year!!! Of course that's his bar nights, too



Marriagevbiz, the real question is.... what are you going to do about it? Are you willing to divorce the lowlife and regain control of your life?


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marriagevsbiz said:


> Thanks, Ellegirl. I am doing it this morning. I have some money in a personal bank account that he doesn't know is still open. I was able to avoid telling him about a recent client check. It's survival money, of course.
> 
> The crazy thing is he freaks out one day about not having enough money for bills etc. he has relatively little debt. But he has a lot outgoing every month. Then, yesterday he called a pool company to consider a 70k pool in the backyard.
> 
> He makes no sense. One day he says we are great financially. (I wouldn't know). Next, he says we have to cut WAY back. As soon as I suggest, we eat at home ... He says no... And drops 100 bucks on dinner. This happens almost every day! He said last year he spent 53k on eating out!!!!! In ONE year!!! Of course that's his bar nights, too


He probably does this as a way to keep you confused and unsure of what's going on. A form of gaslighting, I think.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

marriagevsbiz said:


> Thanks, Ellegirl. I am doing it this morning. I have some money in a personal bank account that he doesn't know is still open. I was able to avoid telling him about a recent client check. It's survival money, of course.
> 
> The crazy thing is he freaks out one day about not having enough money for bills etc. he has relatively little debt. But he has a lot outgoing every month. Then, yesterday he called a pool company to consider a 70k pool in the backyard.
> 
> He makes no sense.


It makes perfect sense. He's got you running a business that HE takes all the money from. Now he's got free income because he's managed to control you so well that you will CONTINUE to work for free and hand over every penny you earn - so you have basically opened up access for him for lots and lots of money. 

Remember, you are a POSSESSION. Your JOB as this possession is to GIVE HIM STUFF. Money, sex, cooking, cleaning, tax writeoff for his REAL family (his daughter)...just like you belong, as a possession. He intends for you to keep working and keep giving him all your money since he's now making it HIS company (him as owner). So sure, he's now looking at ways to increase HIS lifestyle on YOUR money, including a pool. He's practically giddy with excitement over how you're increasing HIS lifestyle.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> It makes perfect sense. He's got you running a business that HE takes all the money from. Now he's got free income because he's managed to control you so well that you will CONTINUE to work for free and hand over every penny you earn - so you have basically opened up access for him for lots and lots of money.
> 
> Remember, you are a POSSESSION. Your JOB as this possession is to GIVE HIM STUFF. Money, sex, cooking, cleaning, tax writeoff for his REAL family (his daughter)...just like you belong, as a possession. He intends for you to keep working and keep giving him all your money since he's now making it HIS company (him as owner). So sure, he's now looking at ways to increase HIS lifestyle on YOUR money, including a pool. He's practically giddy with excitement over how you're increasing HIS lifestyle.


:iagree:


----------



## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

Please stick to just one screen name and stop starting new threads every time we tell you to leave your abusive husband. People here are really trying to help you!


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Workahomem 

How do you know? 

Given how her story is playing out, I think you are right. The issues with a business seem a smoke screen at this point.

Is the husband physically abusive as well ? I think women in that situation are the hardest to help. They are just in to deep.


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

No, he hasn't every hit me and he swears that he never would. He doesn't have that physical tone to him -- it's just his words. 

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree either. He badmouthed something I did to his mother (I spent "my" weekend with my son - and it was also father's day weekend). In text message she called me a "cu*t!" 

But, it's emotional and verbal. Not physical. But, I will agree this is not easy to get out of. I think I feel paralyzed and it's extremely frustrating to people on the outside (my family included) who know who and how I used to be...I was so strong...so independent. Now I am the victim and I continue to chose to be everyday - because I stay in it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hope you are never going to be in the vicinity of your MIL ever again, right? After calling you the C word?

NOBODY gets access to me a second time after calling me that. Not even my husband, let alone his mother.


----------



## marriagevsbiz (Sep 18, 2015)

Well, he recently told me that she might be planning a trip to come visit in our city and he wanted her to stay with us.

I said no, because of that. He said that is just the way she is...and that she is just "rough" but doesn't mean to be so evil. 

He said ...she was just defending me...I told him if she were to visit - I would not be around. He says I'm putting him in an extremely bad position by being so difficult.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who do you have in your life that would help you?

What family member or friend would let you stay with them for a while?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then tell him it's too bad he won't defend his own wife. You'll see him when she's gone.


----------



## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

Please go stay with you ex husband and file for divorce from this crazy guy. If we put all your screen names and stories together, he sounds like a real controlling abuser.

Get away while you still can.


----------

