# On recovery from a Dead bedroom: Encouragement



## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

I don't know if this is the place, but I just wanted to encourage those of you with DBs.

My wife and I had trailed off considerably after the kids were born, and were down to once/week, which may sound good, but it was done not out of desire on her part but obligation. During this time I would pester her for sex, which usually lead to a "*I hate that you keep count!*" reaction and hurt feelings all around. Eventually I made my peace with it and we went about living a partnership marriage. Unsatisfying and sad, but no real conflict. She still felt like I was upset from time to time, and it made her uncomfortable.

Finally 5 years ago something had to change. To her credit, she sat me down and we had a honest talk. Her therapist had encouraged her to think about what made her fall in love with me, and consider whether I still did those things. Guess what she loved that I had let slip?

Leadership
Surprising her
Dressing to impress her
Flirting
Aggressive, dominant sex

Sound familiar? Without either of us having read the book, she basically laid out MMSL. Many things I thought were desirable to her were not increasing her attraction to me. 

I know it won't work for everyone, and I never though this would work for me, but it was a surprisingly easy fix. No more tshirts, more golf, more flirting and innuendo, texting in the middle of the day, more late nights talking, some rough sex, and before I know it things have totally turned around. We enjoy each other so much now that being apart is almost physically painful.

Last week I was out of town on business from Sunday-Sunday. We missed our time together very much, and have been making up for lost time since I got back Sunday night (even through the jet lag.) This morning she observed "That was our 12th time since you got back in town 5 days ago." My response? I smiled at her, held her close, kissed her head and said "_I hate that you keep count._"


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sometimes it really is that easy. I hope you keep it up!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I cannot tell you how much I love this story. She knew you were unhappy, and she figured out how to fix it by _bringing back her own libido_ so she could be a full and equal lover--both giving and taking with joy. 

Now you've got the _real thing_ back. Those years were hard on you, no doubt, but I hope they prove to have been worth the wait.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Thanks for sharing your situation and that awesome turn around. I hope things continue so well for you and that your story inspires others.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Surfer, I'm really interested in knowing more about those years of frustration for you. But first, would you mind telling me how old you are, how long you've been married, and what sex was like before kids? 



Silvr Surfer said:


> Eventually I made my peace with it and we went about living a partnership marriage. Unsatisfying and sad, but no real conflict. She still felt like I was upset from time to time, and it made her uncomfortable.


How and why did you decide to "make peace" with it? Did you still try and initiate sex with her? What were the conversations like when you expressed unhappiness with the frequency and quality of sex? Did the stress of sexual rejection affect other aspects of your life (job, enjoyment of hobbies, ability to be a good parent, etc.)

When you say "no real conflict" do you mean that you got on well in all other aspects of your relationship?



Silvr Surfer said:


> Finally 5 years ago something had to change.


What happened 5 years ago?



Silvr Surfer said:


> To her credit, she sat me down and we had a honest talk. Her therapist had encouraged her to think about what made her fall in love with me, and consider whether I still did those things. Guess what she loved that I had let slip?


Why was your wife in therapy (sorry to be nosy--I guess I'm wondering if she started therapy specifically to address issues in the marriage.)



Silvr Surfer said:


> Sound familiar? Without either of us having read the book, she basically laid out MMSL. Many things I thought were desirable to her were not increasing her attraction to me.


What sorts of things were you doing to try and increase her desire? Why did you think those things would work? 



Silvr Surfer said:


> I know it won't work for everyone, and I never though this would work for me, but it was a surprisingly easy fix.
> [/I]"


Although the "fix" was easy . . . figuring it out what was draining the intimacy is the hard part. 

I'm so interested in your story because it is one of the few I've found since joining TAM that sounds like mine. It took me about 10 years to figure out my low desire, and exactly one minute to fix it once I did. **Shaking head.** The wonderous thing about my story (and yours, it seems) is that my husband put aside years of frustration and unhappiness and resignation and welcomed me back with open arms. And, like you and your wife, we're making up for lost time. :smthumbup:


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## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

> would you mind telling me how old you are, how long you've been married, and what sex was like before kids?


Both mid 40s, married 18 years, sex good (not great) before kids



> How and why did you decide to "make peace" with it? Did you still try and initiate sex with her? What were the conversations like when you expressed unhappiness with the frequency and quality of sex? Did the stress of sexual rejection affect other aspects of your life (job, enjoyment of hobbies, ability to be a good parent, etc.)
> 
> When you say "no real conflict" do you mean that you got on well in all other aspects of your relationship?


I made peace because I was tired of being upset. I still initiated, but not very often. The conversations about our situation were rough. She felt guilty, but just didn't feel attracted to me. She would say that she didn't feel attractive, but in retrospect, I wasn't making her feel attractive. The stress really didn't affect my job or hobbies, but parenting probably took a minor step back just from not being happy with each other like we are now. I would say we got on pretty well otherwise, but in truth now we are much more tolerant because we are more inclined to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Funny how you cut your regular hookup some slack.



> What happened 5 years ago?


She was unhappy because even though we didn't fight about sex much any more, she though I was disappointed. She felt like she was walking on eggshells, like at some point I'd look for satisfaction elsewhere (I don't think this was anywhere close to happening.) This fear was probably a factor in her taking action.



> Why was your wife in therapy


She had been in therapy since a major bout of PPD after our first was born. No major issues since, but she liked the comfort of talking through her problems. Sometimes as a SAHM, it helps to have adult conversations not related to diapers and dance class.



> What sorts of things were you doing to try and increase her desire? Why did you think those things would work?


All the classic nice guy stuff- constantly asking her opinion, letting her make decisions, tentative approach to sex so she didn't feel pressure, cancelling "guy time" to try and be helpful. i thought if she didn't feel pressure and I was super nice she'd come around. She felt like it was needy and hyper-beta.




> It took me about 10 years to figure out my low desire, and exactly one minute to fix it once I did.


please do tell...
PS- if you are my wife- Hi. Hope I didn't embarrass you.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Silvr Surfer said:


> please do tell...
> PS- if you are my wife- Hi. Hope I didn't embarrass you.


Dear lord, is that you, babe?

Just kidding! Yes, my marriage has traveled a path so similar to yours. It's a long thread, but if you're interested . . . 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-now-how-i-get-my-husband-trust-me-again.html

Individual counseling was (and still is) invaluable to my process of getting my desire back, and in understanding the dynamic between my husband and me. I'm so glad I made the effort; the difference in my marriage still astounds me.


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