# What attracted you to that loser?



## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Why do some woman marry losers, or date losers? Now granted he might not be a loser in her eyes, but from an outside perspective, the guy might not have a job, leeches off of her, and treats her like crap, but she still is with him (hopefully not for long). I see this now and then and I wonder what she sees in him, especially when she is complaining about it. 

Are any of you ladies in this situation, or was in this situation? What did you find attractive in your loser partner/ex-partner and did you see the signs early on? Did you know he was a loser? Was it purely physical attraction? :scratchhead:


----------



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

I find that when a woman ends up in this situation, it's either because she was very lonely, and she's taking whoever shows her some attention, or that she doesn't feel very good abou herself, and he wormed his way in, by telling her nice things, like she's pretty, and special.
A lot of these men (who don't have a job, for example, and only want to leech off others, have had a lot of time on their hands to think about how to charm the pants off women!)


----------



## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

In my early twenties I was with someone who was an abuser, an alcoholic and a down right strange human being. My family hated him, and at one point I hardly spoke to my family because of it.

In hindsight, after much therapy and soul searching, I found out it was a total control issue for me. I thought I could be his savior, and change him. I wanted to be a hero. 

The weird thing about this was that he left me for another women. Unfortunately in the end he committed suicide. No one, not even himself could save him.

What I learned from this horrible period in my life was that I needed someone that was already healthy, and happy in his own life. No one can fix anybody else. I found that person, and been with him for the last 19 years.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM said:


> In hindsight, after much therapy and soul searching, I found out it was a total control issue for me. I thought I could be his savior, and change him. I wanted to be a hero.
> 
> The weird thing about this was that he left me for another women.


My sister is going through the same thing. Her alcoholic/drug addict exe husband left her for another women just after she had their baby.

The issue for her is partly wanting to be someone's savior. But i think its a comfortable spot too. she'd put up with his crap because then she could expect he would put up with hers. its sort of like if he abused her enough then nothing she could do would justify him leaving her. Plus, if she gave up on him and left, then she'd have to cope with the fact that people have a right to leave when her behavior gets out of control. And if she did 'save' him, or even try, she considered he would be indebted to her and therefore he couldnt leave either. that aspect is really about abandonment issues. 

i believe at the heart of attracting losers is the souls need to conquer the fear of abandonment and heal that aspect of ones splintered self.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

a mate of mine has been seeing someone of a different very religious culture for 6.5 yrs. hes very demanding, gives nothing , takes everything. she even put her son 2nd to her life from a previous relationship to run around after this bloke.
he says he doesnt love her, calls her really awful words. and he even reminds her they have never been boy friend / girlfriend. she is now 31 and the relationship is vile.
but i really in my own opinion believe its because she cant find n e one descent enough. so she has a non committal man , who sleeps around etc etc. and every move she justifies for him.


----------



## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

I married my high school sweetheart who later turned into a loser. Sometimes people change. Maybe he wasn't a loser when they got together, but became a different person later on as was my case.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

Farfignewton said:


> I married my high school sweetheart who later turned into a loser. Sometimes people change. Maybe he wasn't a loser when they got together, but became a different person later on as was my case.


:iagree:. this was the case of my first hubby.


----------



## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Thanks for sharing some of your stories. In the likes of sounding egocentric (I admit it!!), I have to say that it makes me pissed when I see women with loser men. I start to wonder, "Why is she going out with that loser guy? I know I'm better than that guy, and I'm still single."


----------



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

May I say this? 
I find that most of the nice guys are single because they're too shy!
We women look at you, and figure you're allready taken if you're nice!
You have to make the moves, and tell us you're still single!


----------



## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

freeshias4me said:


> May I say this?
> I find that most of the nice guys are single because they're too shy!
> We women look at you, and figure you're allready taken if you're nice!
> You have to make the moves, and tell us you're still single!


It's been about 11-years since I had my first and only girlfriend back in high school. I've always been on the prowl, but hopefully I'll hit the jackpot one day! As you saw from my other post in the dating section, I seem to be attracted to women who are already taken, or only just want to be friends. So, I'm just working hard, saving up my money, and hopefully I can buy a new car and house one day to show for my success. :smthumbup:

That's why I'm a little frustrated about why women would still go for a loser guy who has no job, leeches off of her, and expects her to do everything for him. It's like these women would be better off being alone, but yet these loser guys can nab these women. Do these women see potential in these men?  It's like hard work, patience, and discipline, doesn't mean anything these days.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I'm a rescuer, and have been in several 'loser' relationships. I keep thinking that all these guys need is love, understanding, money, help, whatever and they will blossom into wonderful people. Then I can feel great about helping that happen.

Fast forward 20 years and three bombed relationships later.. oh.. yeah.. i get it... doesn't really work that way, huh?


----------



## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

snix11 said:


> I'm a rescuer, and have been in several 'loser' relationships. I keep thinking that all these guys need is love, understanding, money, help, whatever and they will blossom into wonderful people. Then I can feel great about helping that happen.
> 
> Fast forward 20 years and three bombed relationships later.. oh.. yeah.. i get it... doesn't really work that way, huh?


So I guess you really can't change a man, despite all your help and support?


----------



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

You can't really change their PERSONALITY...If they are prone to gambling, drug addiction, etc...But what CAN be changed is their actions...
But it is not the woman standing by and nagging that works...It's the MAN'S want and need to stop, or realizing that he wants the relationship MORE than his vices!


----------



## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Plus I'm sure it'll help if woman stopped nagging and used positive reinforcement. I read on CNN awhile back ago about how nagging doesn't work, but positively supporting and reinforcing the man helps. For example, "I love it when you take out the trash because I can sleep better at night", instead of "Did you take out the damn trash yet? you are so lazy!"


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How about "There's a naked lady at the curb holding some trash. You better get down there with the cans so she can toss it in"

Seriously though, I think that's where many problems stem...Our expectation of our spouse and what their role is...whether it's taking out the trash or doing laundry we want our spouse to do it without being asked because they know it needs to get done and want to help their spouse out. 

I think nagging stems from the disappointment in having to ask in the first place. I'm not a nagger, I'm the just do it myself type, but either way that just feeds resentment.

We learned that the easiest way to avoid all this is pretty simple...put your spouse's happiness first...yes it takes some selfless effort but when it's returned in kind it's so worth it.


----------



## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Do most couples not come up with a schedule and plan for these kinds of household roles? I am assuming that that would be the easiest and practical solution. It's clear and lays it out, and both expectations are understood? Or is that treating it too much like a business? 

I also read that you should not give 100% of yourself in a relationship because your partner will take you for granted and leave, and that you should only give 40% and make him/her give you the other 60%?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think it's a good idea to discuss up front, I don't know that most do it. We went to pre-marital counseling through the church we married in and they had some good ideas on what should be discussed prior to marriage: Household stuff, finances, kids, etc.

I don't think giving anyone 100% of yourself is healthy. Everyone needs to take care of themselves...I was meaning making your spouse's happiness a priority and consciously think about it and act on it. But yes, if it's not reciprocated you will either build resentment or they will take you for granted, or both.

I wouldn't even know how to implement a 40%/60%...sounds like work to keep score. If both spouses feel fulfilled then I think the magic number has been reached.


----------

