# Is it minimizing



## psittacine123 (10 mo ago)

Hello, 

I am new here. I joined to help me see that I am not alone, for support and the perspective of others.

Short background: Married over 8 years. My husband and I have been separated for about 75% of the last two years. We have been though several marriage counselors. He went to individual counseling for almost a year and is has almost completed a 13 week program with Affair Recovery (he did not physically cheat with a person - he "had" a secret porn habit). Like many that have been through this, it's not the porn as much as it is the years of lying and hiding. It's the betrayal. 

I am wanting to see change and understanding. He says he has changed and he does understand, I just can't see it because I am too full of hate and anger, and I am just out to hurt him. Revenge, I guess. 

The "minimization": Almost two years ago we had a very heated fight - both angry, yelling and I was kicking him out of the house. I went into the closet and started ripping his shirts from the hangers (not proud of this, but it is what happened). He followed me into the closet, yelling and screaming, cornered me in the back of the closet, held my arms above my head, would not let me escape and left marks on my arms from where he was restraining me. He's 6'4.5", 200'ish lbs and and I am 5'3", 115 lbs. After that, he denied ever touching me. He said his "hands were in the air the whole time". I made it up. Now he says he _did_ touch me, but he does not remember denying it happened, but if I say he denied it then he must have denied it. 

When he explains the event, he states, and I quote, "I grabbed your arms to calm down the situation". I say that is minimizing and he is trying to avoid accountability and looking at himself. He says he _is_ owning it, that it was wrong, he should not have done it, but all he did was grab my arms to calm the situation. His intent was not to hurt me. I stand by my statement that this is minimizing and evidence that he has not "changed".

I also feel like this is evidence that the same type of situation could occur again. He loses his temper so easily (mostly yelling, screaming and storming away) A week ago, I let him come over so we could talk. It took almost no time for him to lose his temper, start yelling, slamming doors and then speeding away. Just to come back and tell me if I don't let him come back, it is over.

I just want to know if I am crazy and not seeing it the way I should be. The closet event is just one of many examples (that's the only time he did that), but he has busted the front door of it's hinges. He says all he did was lean his shoulder against, pushed hard, and the exterior door busted off the hinges. It was poorly installed. 

I am not trying to make these things look better or worse than they are. I just can't make my brain make it work. 

Am I crazy, just need to chill, or overthinking this?


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

psittacine123 said:


> ... *Just to come back and tell me if I don't let him come back, it is over.*
> 
> I just want to know if I am crazy and not seeing it the way I should be. The closet event is just one of many examples (that's the only time he did that), but he has busted the front door of it's hinges. He says all he did was lean his shoulder against, pushed hard, and the exterior door busted off the hinges. It was poorly installed.
> 
> ...


You are hurt and angry. Do you want to save the marriage? 

Cause he's letting you know in the bolded that you can easily have it be over.

His behavior is not normal or OK. I've been married 28 years and never has my husband left bruises or broken door hinges. 

You need to decide what you want. Do you want to reconcile? Do you want to move on. This is your choice.
He does seem to be minimizing and he seems to want to push you to let him back and let him back now. If you want to reconcile then I would make anger management a condition. 

If you dont' want to reconcile. You don't really need a reason or excuse. Just tell him you two are not compatible and the papers will come in the mail.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I don't think you should reconcile. I think you two are entirely too volatile. I think you should let him go and then work on your own anger/reaction issues. What you're describing to me doesn't sound healthy. At least the two of you need to take some time apart, get some space and perspective and work on yourselves. There is entirely too much screaming and yelling and throwing things and grabbing people, this isn't how healthy, emotionally stable adults communicate.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Don’t focus on this one thing or couple things. Instead take a big step back and look at this situation from a much larger perspective… look at the forest and not the trees. Is this what you actually want your life to look like. The chances of you two fundamentally changing who you are …are slim to none. The two of you shouldn’t be together. It really is that simple but you are too close to the situation to understand it.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and I want you to do what you want.

But if it were me I'd leave him. Just in case that wasn't clear.


----------



## psittacine123 (10 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> You are hurt and angry. Do you want to save the marriage?
> 
> Cause he's letting you know in the bolded that you can easily have it be over.
> 
> ...





TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't think you should reconcile. I think you two are entirely too volatile. I think you should let him go and then work on your own anger/reaction issues. What you're describing to me doesn't sound healthy. At least the two of you need to take some time apart, get some space and perspective and work on yourselves. There is entirely too much screaming and yelling and throwing things and grabbing people, this isn't how healthy, emotionally stable adults communicate.
> [/QUOTE
> 
> We are separated. I know it's not normal or healthy - that is why we are separated. He has been out of the house for a long time. I haven't let him back because it is not normal or healthy. We hardly see each other. He has been in counseling - I have gone with him. I have given my lawyer a $3,500 retainer.
> ...


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You are absolutely correct that he is not owning it, and the fact that he isn't means it will definitely happen again. It will probably get worse. You're not blameless, but you know that and are owning your part in it.


----------



## psittacine123 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Don’t focus on this one thing or couple things. Instead take a big step back and look at this situation from a much larger perspective… look at the forest and not the trees. Is this what you actually want your life to look like. The chances of you two fundamentally changing who you are …are slim to none. The two of you shouldn’t be together. It really is that simple but you are too close to the situation to understand it.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Separation is not a way to reconcile. It is a way to learn to live apart.


----------



## psittacine123 (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You are absolutely correct that he is not owning it, and the fact that he isn't means it will definitely happen again. It will probably get worse. You're not blameless, but you know that and are owning your part in it.





thunderchad said:


> Separation is not a way to reconcile. It is a way to learn to live apart.


Don't disagree. That said, I have a child at home. The rage and fits are not an option. This is what I will not take accept for my life. I am looking for evidence that he has taken responsibility and sees it for what it is. If he's minimizing, he is not taking responsibility. I just want to know if others perceive his recollection of events as minimization too, or if I am the big mean, angry woman that just can't see all the "change".


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

psittacine123 said:


> Don't disagree. That said, I have a child at home. The rage and fits are not an option. This is what I will not take accept for my life. I am looking for evidence that he has taken responsibility and sees it for what it is. If he's minimizing, he is not taking responsibility. I just want to know if others perceive his recollection of events as minimization too, or if I am the big mean, angry woman that just can't see all the "change".


I do the same thing. I usually want to be sure I'm being fair and not letting my feelings run away with me. In this case I don't think you are. I think your instincts are right on the money.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@psittacine123 ,

When I was married to my first husband, I had a gut feeling he was cheating on me, and one day I got definitive proof in the mail. I slapped him across the face, and he called the police on me for DV. I sat on the steps and waited for them to arrive, and the police were very nice and said they understood and would have done the same thing but they had to do their job, etc. etc. I agreed with them. The judge saw I had no legal troubles and gave me the option to go to Anger Management and have everything just expunged--so I went. I didn't think I needed it, but couldn't hurt, right? LOL I tell you this story because I'm a calm, kind, loving person, but I don't try to minimize what I did...I assaulted him. I needed Anger Management.

When a person is trying to manipulate, they will say "I've changed" and may even act a bit different for a short time to try to prove how different they are to get their way. But it won't last long, and the old behaviors will come out--like minimizing. There's actually a cycle to this:








When a person has truly and honestly changed, they have a personal "come to Jesus" moment, where something happens in their life and suddenly THEY SEE the wrong that they've been living! Of their own accord they go to meetings or counseling, and they work on it at home on their own because they want to be a new person. They share the new things they've learned about themselves and about being healthy and how they've tried to implement the new idea...maybe even how they failed and plan to do better next time. They are humble and admit, "Yeah, I actually DID THAT" and feel sorrow that they were that kind of person. They accept responsibility for what they did and they call it by name--abuse, raging, or adultery--not by some flowery euphamism. They don't whitewash the incident or justify themselves or their choice, but instead they admit it to themselves and others, and grieve that they acted that way.

So you tell me. Is he acting like he's honestly changed? Or is he acting like "the honeymoon stage" where he makes promises to get you to agree to continue?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

psittacine123 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am new here. I joined to help me see that I am not alone, for support and the perspective of others.
> 
> ...


Chronic liars lie and then they can't remember what they lied about because they never tell the truth so they can't rely on their memory to know what they told you. I don't know why you're trying to hold on to this relationship but nothing's going to change.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he’s minimizing. Don’t give him the chance to do it again. Move on.


----------



## 356089 (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't think you should reconcile. I think you two are entirely too volatile. I think you should let him go and then work on your own anger/reaction issues. What you're describing to me doesn't sound healthy. At least the two of you need to take some time apart, get some space and perspective and work on yourselves. There is entirely too much screaming and yelling and throwing things and grabbing people, this isn't how healthy, emotionally stable adults communicate.


Let's not blame the victim. Reacting to the abuse does not mean she has anger issues.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

HappyWithMe88 said:


> Let's not blame the victim. Reacting to the abuse does not mean she has anger issues.


What are you even talking about? It's obvious that's not the case here so why are you trying to redefine?
What's your real objective?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

about the minimizing. You were ripping all his crap off the hangers and he restrained you from doing so. You make it sound like this huge deal and he went ballistic. I don’t see it that way at all. You were the one whose anger led her to start ripping his crap off the hangers and then blame him for stopping you. He didn’t hit you. He didn’t really do anything but restrain you. And let’s not pretend that you were not fighting to get freee if him.

Affaircare gives great advice. However, my thoughts are that she is pretty looney about saying she minimized slapping her husband when she found out he cheated. That is a 100% normal reaction and for her to think she needed to take anger management classes for that is bizarre.

So my personal opinion based on what I read is that YOU are a totally unreasonable person abd this guy who has been jumping through hoops for two years to get back in his own damn home is having some very understandable frustration with you. I would have told you it’s over a long time ago.

I think you two will never be happy and someone said you two were too volatile to be together and I agree with that 100%.

However, YES I think you are wrong and he isn’t minimizing. 
JMO


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Liars lie. Sorry but most often they don’t change from what I’ve seen. Let him be someone else’s problem.


----------

