# Does my husband love me, or should I leave?



## madteach

Please, guys, give me some perspective.

I am married to someone who doesn't acknowledge anniversaries or special occasions. In fact, when it comes to gifts, he said once, "Why should I buy a gift when you can buy it yourself?" He has never complimented me or said anything nice about me. It just makes me sad because people tell me I'm beautiful everywhere I go, but the only person I want to hear it from is him. When we started dating, he even told me not to like him too much. He would show up 3 hours late for dates and expect me not to say a word about it. Once, he didn't show up at all, and it was my birthday, and he didn't even apologize. We just never talked about it. 

He doesn't like to talk to me on the phone, so I only call him if I need him to pick up our kids. I used to ask him to come have lunch with me at work, but he gave me such a hard time about it, that I have stopped asking. When I talk to him, if he doesn't feel like answering me, he'll just say nothing. 

I am the kind of person who wants to shower the person I am with with love. I am a very touchy person who likes to hold hands and give kisses whenever possible. I feel like I have had to change the kind of person I am because he has not been receptive to me. Over the years, I've just learned to back off because I feel like I'm always bothering him.

I used to be so crazy about him... And now, every time I look at him, I just feel sad and angry and resentful. 

I just don't think that he really loves me. For example, last year when my car hydroplaned on the freeway, he didn't ask me if I was okay when I called home. He just told me to drive the totaled car home in the pouring rain. After calling Triple A, I tried to call him back and he refused to answer the phone, so I had to call my sister. I felt so sad and embarrassed that my brother-in-law had to drive out to pick me up after my car was towed. Telling all the sad and heartbreaking things he has done and said would take up too much space. But you should know that I was the one to pressure him to marry me, and he did tell me once that he settled for me. I feel like I did this to myself. Why would I pressure someone who has never told me they were in love with me to marry me? 

Guys, just tell me the truth... do you think he really loves me?

Or do I have enough reasons to leave? (I would be giving him the opportunity to go out and find someone he really wants to be with... because I don't think it's me.)


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## FormerlyCareFree

What disgusting behavior. He sure isn't acting like he loves you. In a perfect world I would suggest you leave his ass for a couple months. Perhaps that will wake him up and make him realize he's been a dope for behaving in such a despicable manner. But unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world. I think you need to make some serious threats about the consequences of his behavior, then follow through! 
Looks to me like you're going to have to scare him a little and see what he's made of.


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## alphaomega

Wow. Sounds like a narcissist.

Start doing the same things back to him, see if he gets the point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

Hew sounds like a spoiled brat! Very similar to my husband. I believe maybe he keeps you at arms' length because he doesn't know how to handle intimacy.

Either way, you are being grossly emotionally deprived and deserve all the special things about being in a relationship! Theoretically, he's the only person you should get those needs met from!

I can't offer much advice... I am married to the same kind of person and still figuring out what to do. But I did want to say... I feel your pain and loneliness. Don't let it get the best of you. I've had crying jags that last for days and it does nothing but exhaust and deplete me.

I think the only way he will take you seriously is to threaten (and follow through if needed), divorce/separation, etc.

Wishing you the best!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madteach

Thank you so much to all of you that replied! I just needed some validation. So often, I feel like I'm delusional or that I'm always complaining. It's just so hard to live with someone who is completely emotionally unavailable.

I have my first appointment with a therapist this Thursday. Hopefully, it will help me to work through my feelings. I tried to bring it up to my husband a few weeks ago over dinner, hoping he would respond positively. I was hoping we both could go together. But as soon as he heard the word therapy, he just looked at me, continued eating and didn't respond. We just finished dinner without saying a word to each other. Haven't talked about it since. I could tell he didn't want anything to do with it, nor did he want to hear about my dealings with it.

But, that is not going to discourage me from getting help. I'm going to get through this, even if that means I'll be on my own.


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## Ten_year_hubby

madteach said:


> expect me not to say a word about it.
> We just never talked about it.
> I have stopped asking
> I've just learned to back off


There are always two participants in an unhappy relationship. Not asking, not talking, backing off and otherwise suffering in silence is your part in this. Your husbands relational challenges are pretty clear. For your part, you are responsible to communicate your feelings and needs to him in a loving, non-threatening fashion. Letting this stuff go is not OK. Even if he reacts badly, keep it up and he'll get the picture.


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## that_girl

But....he was like this while dating and you acted ok with it. then you married him and expected things to be different?

It's not your fault for how he is...but he SHOWED you and TOLD you who he was before you married him...so it is your fault for marrying into this.

Does he love you? I wouldn't say so, but I don't know his heart. Fact is, he doesn't SHOW you he loves you and that's really all that matters.

Sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation with my oldest daughter's dad. I left. Best thing i ever did--- but we weren't married. I was just stupid for 3 years lollll.


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## Batman64

No way does he love you. He only loves himself and took you along for the ride.


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## SockPuppet

madteach said:


> I am married to someone who doesn't acknowledge anniversaries or special occasions. In fact, when it comes to gifts, he said once, "Why should I buy a gift when you can buy it yourself?" He has never complimented me or said anything nice about me. When we started dating, he even told me not to like him too much. He would show up 3 hours late for dates and expect me not to say a word about it. Once, he didn't show up at all, and it was my birthday, and he didn't even apologize. We just never talked about it.


Makes him sound like he is a very emotionally turned off guy from the day you met him.



madteach said:


> I am the kind of person who wants to shower the person I am with with love. I am a very touchy person who likes to hold hands and give kisses whenever possible. I feel like I have had to change the kind of person I am because he has not been receptive to me. Over the years, I've just learned to back off because I feel like I'm always bothering him.


Sounds like your the exact opposite of him, since day 1.


Sounds to me like the two of you were an odd match from the beginning. Its not fair of you, or the other members to berate this man, as it would seem from the original post that he has not changed his manners, but you thought you saw something inside him. Blinded by love maybe... You maybe thought he would change for you, but have instead started changing for him, and your blaming him for this?


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## Havesomethingtosay

No.... And you knew this day one and married him. You now have children and nothing at all has changed and finally decided on therapy. 

You reap the seeds you sow....

Really you were that dumb?????

I'm gobsmacked......:scratchhead:


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## Arnold

It was a mistake to marry this guy. That does not make you dumb or evil. You made a very common mistake, marrying someone and expecting him to change. Plenty of folks, good folks, have done this.
Clearly, this is a guy who cannot or will not meet your needs. It sounds like a terribly lonely exisitence.My XW was much the same way.
I think you should insist on counseling. If he refuses, you should consider divorce.


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## misticli

that_girl said:


> But....he was like this while dating and you acted ok with it. then you married him and expected things to be different?
> 
> It's not your fault for how he is...but he SHOWED you and TOLD you who he was before you married him...so it is your fault for marrying into this.
> 
> Does he love you? I wouldn't say so, but I don't know his heart. Fact is, he doesn't SHOW you he loves you and that's really all that matters.


I agree with this, you told him he could treat you like this. You told him he could disrespect you. I doubt this dynamic can now change, since you did not stand up for yourself through this he knows he can get away with this bs.


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## Arnold

Many of us have made the same mistake. Just go to the infidelity section and a lot of folks married disordered nut jobs who were very adept at masking. 
I care not whether you were at fault or whatever folks want to call you. You made a human mistake and do not desrve to pay for it for the rest of your life.


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## madteach

I appreciate all of the honest replies. It has given me a lot to think about. 

I didn't share before, but I grew up in a very abusive home, but verbally and physically. I know that's where my low self-esteem came from, which I think explains why I didn't think that I could do any better when I was younger.

The counseling I'm getting now will be to sort out all of this as well.

Again, thanks for all of the different perspectives. It's been eye-opening to hear what others have had to say.


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## msjv

Wow! I came across your post on google and just HAD to register to tell you how similar our stories are! 
From the car wreck with no concern for my wellbeing to "Pressured Marriage" (though it was his mothers doing. From the he lack of affection to the disregard for being on on time or for anyone else's feelings.
After reading your post I am sitting here in tears in a bedroom in my best friends basement - next to my 3 sleeping children. This is hopefully the last of a long series of "leaving him's" that I have done in this marriage.
I'm anxious to see what your situation is now.
Hope you're well!


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## msjv

Wow! I came across your post on google and just HAD to register to tell you how similar our stories are! 
From the car wreck with no concern for my wellbeing to "Pressured Marriage" (though it was his mothers doing. From the he lack of affection to the disregard for being on on time or for anyone else's feelings.
After reading your post I am sitting here in tears in a bedroom in my best friends basement - next to my 3 sleeping children. This is hopefully the last of a long series of "leaving him's" that I have done in this marriage.
I'm anxious to see what your situation is now.
Hope you're well!


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## RClawson

madteach said:


> Please, guys, give me some perspective.
> 
> I am married to someone who doesn't acknowledge anniversaries or special occasions. In fact, when it comes to gifts, he said once, "Why should I buy a gift when you can buy it yourself?" He has never complimented me or said anything nice about me. It just makes me sad because people tell me I'm beautiful everywhere I go, but the only person I want to hear it from is him. When we started dating, he even told me not to like him too much. He would show up 3 hours late for dates and expect me not to say a word about it. Once, he didn't show up at all, and it was my birthday, and he didn't even apologize. We just never talked about it.
> 
> He doesn't like to talk to me on the phone, so I only call him if I need him to pick up our kids. I used to ask him to come have lunch with me at work, but he gave me such a hard time about it, that I have stopped asking. When I talk to him, if he doesn't feel like answering me, he'll just say nothing.
> 
> I am the kind of person who wants to shower the person I am with with love. I am a very touchy person who likes to hold hands and give kisses whenever possible. I feel like I have had to change the kind of person I am because he has not been receptive to me. Over the years, I've just learned to back off because I feel like I'm always bothering him.
> 
> I used to be so crazy about him... And now, every time I look at him, I just feel sad and angry and resentful.
> 
> I just don't think that he really loves me. For example, last year when my car hydroplaned on the freeway, he didn't ask me if I was okay when I called home. He just told me to drive the totaled car home in the pouring rain. After calling Triple A, I tried to call him back and he refused to answer the phone, so I had to call my sister. I felt so sad and embarrassed that my brother-in-law had to drive out to pick me up after my car was towed. Telling all the sad and heartbreaking things he has done and said would take up too much space. But you should know that I was the one to pressure him to marry me, and he did tell me once that he settled for me. I feel like I did this to myself. Why would I pressure someone who has never told me they were in love with me to marry me?
> 
> Guys, just tell me the truth... do you think he really loves me?
> 
> Or do I have enough reasons to leave? (I would be giving him the opportunity to go out and find someone he really wants to be with... because I don't think it's me.)


I know that you already know this but just in case let me tell you. Your husband is a dolt. I am glad your in therapy. I hope you get very pointed counsel. Your husband (and I use that term loosely) needs a swift kick upside his head. 

It sounds like ultimatum time to me. I would suggest you start into things by treating him like he does not exist because that is what he is doing to you.


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## Crazy8

YinPrincess said:


> Hew sounds like a spoiled brat! Very similar to my husband. I believe maybe he keeps you at arms' length because he doesn't know how to handle intimacy.
> 
> Either way, you are being grossly emotionally deprived and deserve all the special things about being in a relationship! Theoretically, he's the only person you should get those needs met from!
> 
> I can't offer much advice... I am married to the same kind of person and still figuring out what to do. But I did want to say... I feel your pain and loneliness. Don't let it get the best of you. I've had crying jags that last for days and it does nothing but exhaust and deplete me.
> 
> I think the only way he will take you seriously is to threaten (and follow through if needed), divorce/separation, etc.
> 
> Wishing you the best!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

This is what I was going to say. It sounds like he might not know how to love or how to be intimate.

I'm not making excuses, because I'm on your side. The problem is that you have needs and you deserve to have those needs met.

I can't say if he loves you or not. Only he knows that. You might want to ask him flat out. Then if he says "why?" tell him because he doesn't act like it. Then tell him you have needs and those needs are going to be met. At best it gets the conversation started. At worst, it leads to a fight. Either way, you get answers. He either steps up or you need to be able to be free to find the love you deserve.


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