# Need Advice During Seperation



## rayban22 (Mar 13, 2013)

I'm going to try to make this as short as I can... I am 27 and so is my husband. We met at work 6 years ago and almost immediately became pregnant when we started dating. So, we started dating in August and I was pregnant in October. We have both said it was a love at first sight situation. I loved him then and love him now. We have had a pretty volatile relationship due to my depression issues and dealing with the death of my brother 2 years ago and with my husband dealing with his own depression. His depression (according to him) stems from him not being able to keep a job, having drinking/drug problems, getting into legal trouble and he has been in three bands since we started dating. Now, to clarify, he has been employed probably 75% of the time and has also had steady income from the bands.
Throughout the course of our marriage (2 1/2 years ago) he has told me wants a divorce four times. Each time I have wimped out and left the house to stay with my best friend or my mother-in-law. After several weeks, he has always begged me back and I have gone right back. The problem with that has always been that we didn't do anything to improve our relationship during those times but talk about how we wanted to improve. So, over the last month he has lost his job (laid off), been kicked out of his band that is very successful due to smoking pot in a public place during a show, I seized the engine in his truck by running it out of oil (accidental) preventing him from being able to get another job, I found out we didn't receive our tax return because he defaulted on his student loans (I thought he was paying) and I had to tell him I borrowed from my 401-k last time we separated because I needed it to get a place but when I went home I used it for bills and Christmas instead and didn't tell him.

Three days after I told him, he went into a crazy rage. Our son wasn't home thank God. We had spent all evening not speaking but sitting in the same room (he has anger issues and I was afraid to speak b/c of the loan issue) and when I went to bed he came in, ripped the closet door off and threw it and asked me to go upstairs to sleep because he couldn't be around me. I went upstairs and he came up shortly after and told me wanted a divorce (again) because we can't work as a team and he can't trust me because I didn't tell him about the loan. I didn't say much just talked as best I could without arguing. He told me he had been sitting downstairs with a gun to his head and then when he calmed down he said I could come back downstairs to sleep b/c I had to get up early. The night ended by him crying for several hours while I held him and he continued to tell me he wants a divorce then he begged me to kill him several times. I would like to add he went to therapy three times and started taking kolonopans from his doctor. He has since quit therapy.

The next day my Dad called to say my best friend told him what happened and I needed to leave right then. I checked into a hotel while he was still asleep then went to my in-laws to get our son. I told them what happened because I wanted them to help him get psychiatric care. He showed up there while I was talking to his parents and was very adamant about wanting a divorce. His parents would just say he needed help mentally and kept belittling him for staying "under employed" and not taking care of his responsibilities. I ended up taking my son to the hotel for the night, then going to my Mom's for the next night.

When I came back, my best friend and I went to find a home for us to live in with our kids together. We signed a 6 month lease. This was last Saturday. The following day my husband sat down and told me he didn't want a divorce, but he does want a legal separation so we won't have to wait 90 days after the separation to divorce if we so choose. We have both agreed that a huge problem in the past has been that we didn't give each other enough time to work on ourselves or change our relationship. So, I am in the process of moving while he went out of town for the week with his Dad to work (give me space LOL). 

He has called several times and expressed his desire to turn our marriage around because we both have unfailing love for each other. I am so hurt from all the separations and the irresponsibility. By irresponsibility I mean he has gotten a DUI, been charged with child abuse while I was at work and our son got outside while he was passed out hungover, he has been arrested for driving with no license three times (he has had it back for two years now) and he has consistently poured all his life passion into his band instead of into his family. He says he wants to work on himself and will feel better by working out (he's very skinny and insecure) and getting a good job and taking vitamins to improve his mood instead of his prescription. 

I am battling with just moving ahead with a divorce instead of granting him the six months to see if we can do this. All of this said, I am by no means perfect. Eventhough I have done the majority of the child-rearing and have had the same job for 4 years, I am moody and have battled a serious depression over my marriage and my brothers death (overdose). I just don't know whether to really pour my heart into saving my marriage with a man I do love but seems to never change. I also have to take my friend into consideration because she is moving 60 miles to live with me. ADVICE?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

agreed. I can't read this.


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## rayban22 (Mar 13, 2013)

Sorry, I haven't ever posted before and I didn't realize it would look like that. Not sure if I can even think in paragraphs, much less write in them.I'll try to change it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice. Start the divorce. Stay separated until it goes through. If you want to try to work on things while you're apart, then to ahead and date. But don't be in any rush to reconcile. 

My biggest concern is the comment on child abuse. It's one thing for the two of you to have your issues. But if he's abused your child, it's YOUR responsibility to protect that child. Until your husband gets his act together in a major way, there's no way you should be with him. Anger management and major therapy are needed. And he needs to demonstrate long term lasting changes. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rayban22 (Mar 13, 2013)

Thanks P Bear. I think I will go ahead and file for the "legal separation" and go from there. Just to clarify, he didn't "hurt" our son but rather it was child abuse via neglect as the court system called it. Not that that makes it any better.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

rayban22 said:


> Thanks P Bear. I think I will go ahead and file for the "legal separation" and go from there. Just to clarify, he didn't "hurt" our son but rather it was child abuse via neglect as the court system called it. Not that that makes it any better.


Sorry. Got lost in the wall of text. . You're right, it doesn't make it any better. It's about the same as him passing out on the couch with a loaded gun on the coffee table where your son can grab it. And from your description, your husband IS abusive, but you just never pressed charges. 

Assuming everything you post is accurate, your husband has a long long process of therapy ahead of him. He will most likely not even begin that process until you stop enabling his behavior (by accepting it, if nothing else), and even then, he may never deal with it properly. You've mentioned he was in therapy but no longer is? Why is that? Does he consider himself "healed" or "ok"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Welp - your H is acting very immature and out of control. I was the same way at his age. 

From personal experience, it will take something very earth-shattering to cause him to change.

IMO, a separation isn't going to be the wake up call he needs, and will only put him into a more enabling situation. 

Start the 180, go ahead and file for the divorce. That shows real consequences and _may_ wake him up. It may not - but the ball will be in his court.

D will take a while, and give you both time to assess and work on yourselves. Regardless of whether he "mans up", you need to prepare yourself for life without him. As is often said here on TAM: "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it".

If he becomes more responsible and grows up, you can look at R then.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with Old Timer. 

Go ahead and start the divorce proceedings to show him that you are serious... and most importantly to show yourself some respect and protect yourself and your child. 

A divorce can be stopped at any point if things truly turn around, but don't sit around hoping for him to change. It hasn't worked yet... why would it now?


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## rayban22 (Mar 13, 2013)

He told me on the last night we were together that he stopped because his therapist only wanted to talk about himself. I have heard from others that that practice is full of selfish therapists. My question was why, oh why, didn't you see a different one at another practice?! 

Well, obviously this is not the news I wanted to hear that I should go ahead with the divorce, but I guess it is the news I needed to hear. I have known for years I have been enabling him, I guess I have always been worried that he will kill himself via direct suicide, overdose (eventhough he isn't a constant drug user) car crash while intoxicated...etc...but looking back, he has put himself into many situations where those things could have easily happened. Ugh. My head hurts LOL. I feel like a big dummie!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

rayban22 said:


> LOL. I feel like a big dummie!


Happens to us all a few times in our life, unfortunately.

Some folks call it "paying our stupid tax", lol

.


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## rayban22 (Mar 13, 2013)

Well, another week has gone by. It has been up and down up and down....at the beginning of the week I slipped up and cried in front of my son and he of course told his dad that "we watched a movie and mommy cried" so he called and asked me to stop. That's no problem. What is a problem is that I found out he emailed a girl from the personals on freakin Craigslist. I didn't tell him that I know but I did call and ask if we are still "only seeing each other." He said of course, of course. This was after we had an argument the prior day over money. This argument resulted in him telling me he just needed time to himself. Ugh. I had to go "home" yesterday to get some more things and I just kept it upbeat and was very nice to him because I've decided that no matter what, I'm going to find my own happiness! When I dropped our son off this morning he kissed me and told me he loves me.

I haven't filed for the separation yet as I have no vacation/personal time right now at work. I do feel like I'm being used for money but since we have been here several times before, I just don't know what to think. I know he "loves" me but he is also very dependent on me. I am just kind of waiting to hear or see that he is actually seeing someone (it will happen) then I will feel more justified in throwing in the towel. 

I know I sound like an idiot btw. We are going to MC on April 2 so maybe we can get on the same page then.


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