# Sex acts as marital currency



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Im not getting blowjobs being a thing of reward or for special occassions. I dont understand this thinking. Its like bj's are currency in the marriage to get the man to do something or to reward him for doing what a woman wants. Conversely he is punished by being denied a bj when he isnt compliant.

Where do we learn to do this?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Didn't say they traded SEX for book carrying. Just figured out the technique.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

i learned early ( as in first real relationship that included sex ) for sex to work we both had to work together to arouse each other. It never occured to me NOT to give a bj. If we are having sex then we are having SEX with all the bells and whistles that time and energy allow.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

PD, you dont seem to have much respect for men if you think more often than not, they think with their [email protected]


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Well as a guy, I'm not doing anything I do not want to do... Regardless what's offered... Now I do admit, things I agree to do that I prefer not to... It makes me feel great about it...
But at the same time I contribute because I care... I'd rather get a bj because my w cares... Not because she has a shopping adventure planned... But the plus, she ALWAYS wants to buy shoes, dresses, ect... So it seems as tho she pays up more than average... Hmmm maybe it is about currency... Well I guess it both parties feel the exchange is fair...
My bad for the rambling on...


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

so there are men that bargain as well with what? permission, leniency, turning a blind eye? to get a blow job? i thought yall were dupes in this whole blow job conspiracy. turns out some of the men are willing participants, lmao


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

janesmith said:


> so there are men that bargain as well with what? permission, leniency, turning a blind eye? to get a blow job? i thought yall were dupes in this whole blow job conspiracy. turns out some of the men are willing participants, lmao


Umm... Uhh.... Well... Yes I'm guilty, but it's an old game... From elementary, offer her some candy and ask for a kiss... But aha who's playing who? And is anyone truely winning?
Nope, we all just do a little better eachtime...


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## Rough Draft Marriage (Dec 29, 2010)

It all depends on the context. If it's "Buy me some shoes and I'll give you a blowjob" then that's stupid. But adding little flirty "incentives" for something can be a nice foreplay type game if presented playfully. You can never go wrong throwing something new in the mix.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

i think its more like, if i give him a blow job he will ignore this charge for these 200 dollar shoes. Or she blew me so im going to ignore this charge for 200 dollar shoes.

I think its a more unspoken trade off that both participate in with the blow job stuck in the middle, lol


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've always felt that the arrangement was made at the marriage alter; that if she needed sex, I'd provide and if I needed it, she would. Hasn't worked out that way (equally) in my case, but I do believe that is the idea. Sex is a gift one gives because they love, not a commodity for trade. I suppose as a teasing, flirty, gesture, these little bargains could be sort of fun, but if made in seriousness, I wouldn't care for them.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I'm kind of in the do as I say and not as I do category these days because my sex life sucks, but I'm going to throw my hat in the ring anyway.

I have never denied sex as a punishment or rewarded it as a gift ever. Never did, never have, never will.

I think this behavior is selfish and controlling and causes resentment from whichever person is doing the punishing or rewarding.

Sex is supposed to be a way to procreate and to bond together a couple to express their love for one another.

If its used as a weapon, then it loses its meaning and becomes nothing more than a hump and grind to release tension - that's not what I want between myself and my husband and I couldn't think of why anyone would.

Useless, uncool, unfair and just plan mean and childish in my opinion.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I'm kind of in the do as I say and not as I do category these days because my sex life sucks, but I'm going to throw my hat in the ring anyway.
> 
> I have never denied sex as a punishment or rewarded it as a gift ever. Never did, never have, never will.


Funny thing is, i'm the same and i'm in a low sex marriage as well. Maybe that's what we're doing wrong? Maybe men SAY they don't want any kinds of games but in all reality it does turn them on and they do feel more attracted to a woman if she rewards them sex when they behave?

Hate to sound mean but this has crossed my mind at a point.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I think it depends on if it works for both. In the good days of my marriage, my wife and I sometimes did something in this fashion. We didn't have a list such as, me washing the car gets sex, and it wasn't something we did regularly. Ours actually started with a joke. My wife could give great hand-jobs and I loved them, and that was what we did. In the first year of our marriage, before we had a dish washer, the dishes were piled up one night and we were both tired. As a joke, I made the comment that if I used my hands to wash the dishes, maybe she could use her hands later with me. I meant it as a joke and was expecting either no response at all or a, "yeah, right," response. Instead, her eyes lit up and she said, "well sure, no problem there." This was always a seperate thing than our mutual intimacy. We never used intercourse in this fashion, it was always a hand-job, we didn't over use it, and we never stated it straight out, such as saying, "I'll vacum if you give me a hand job." It was always presented in a "beat around the bush" fashion, and she would often be the one to mention it. She loved foot massage and one night she said, "if you'll try this lotion out on my feet, I might try it out on something else." As I said, we are now divorced, so I am remembering good times.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Well, as Samantha (Sex and the City) explains away expensive gifts from a man: Money is power, sex is power, therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.

Sex acts as marital currency? Normally I am the one that would beg for sex, so this doesn't really make sense to me. Not much in the way of one's bargaining power.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

This post inspired a post on my blog, lol. My wife and I have something like this going, but it's more kinky motivation than currency I think. If it's being used as a weapon or posturing then I think it's wrong.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Panda,
This is actually kind and considerate behavior. I would so NOT go for blatant trading. But there is no doubt that you said it well - it is one thing to relax someone to smooth over a hiccup. Another thing entirely to escalate bad behavior because you believe you have created a little "sex puppet"





Pandakiss said:


> no sex should not be used as a weapon or as ammo...that said, happy husbands like their kinks addressed a couple times a week, and if it puts him in a better mood, why not??
> 
> i notice right away if he needs to get attention, and i will hold off on spending money or talking about things he might not like...but after when he is calm, and he got some video game time in and a sandwich, of honey, i forgot to pay the light bill, ill do it tomorrow, or oops i went over board and cut into the savings for "blank". he will shrug and say hey it happens, now you know next time you cant have as much money, and he will be real calm and lax about it.
> 
> is it wrong to make someone happy before bad news?? i think its ok. now if i was being mean about it and purposely runnin up bills and not payin them, and i would think a little mic time will fix it, im sadly mistaken.....


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

janesmith said:


> Im not getting blowjobs being a thing of reward or for special occassions. I dont understand this thinking. Its like bj's are currency in the marriage to get the man to do something or to reward him for doing what a woman wants. Conversely he is punished by being denied a bj when he isnt compliant.
> 
> Where do we learn to do this?


I think its natural, in a marriage someone will have the greater sex drive and sense of adventure. if either spouse loves giving oral, then it not likely to be used for a trade. However, when either is ambivalent about giving oral, then sex for favors will I think implicitly take place. Just my opinion.


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## LSU Fan (Dec 31, 2010)

Sex for trade,,,,that sounds ALOT like the oldest profession in America


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Dude. If you aren't getting enough blowjobs . . . then the yard doesn't need to get done. Simple math.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

when it comes to blowjobs are there any wome who think they should be given freely and often? because im getting that bjs are a holiday, thanks for doing something good, im sorry for neglecting you, kind of thing.

its like a reward system, like sticker charts, lol. youve earned 3 bjs for the week because u did xyz

when it comes to bjs i think they are used as currency in lots of relationship. its something women do that have high value for men and its a good way to get what you want.

was having a conversation with the girls and the above is what came out of the discussion. when i mentioned they were regular parts of our sexual interaction, they looked at me like i was nuts, like i was giving away free money, lol


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> I think a lot of women learn to use sex in trade for material comfort, service, etc.
> 
> Hell, even trading sex for their guy going to get a Starbucks latte' on a cold morning.
> 
> Where to they learn this? They figure it out the first time some guy carries their books to school.


LOL, love this! Made me laugh, but there's definitely truth to it.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

To respond to the original post, I don't think sex acts should be used as currency, and they definitely aren't in our marriage. BJ's aren't an issue at all in our marriage. Early on in our relationship he was the experienced one. He never ever asked me to do it. He actually had to convince me to let him go down on me, which he loves. I didn't like giving bj's. He respects that and says he doesn't need it. Just for fun, I've surprised him and done it, but it's never to completion, just until intercourse which he says he likes better. I've been doing it more lately to add a new dimension and since he gives me so much affirmation about how good I am. But we never use sex as a barter. We play games and the winner gives sexual favors, but there's never a trade off. My H doesn't care what I buy or whatever.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

janesmith said:


> when it comes to blowjobs are there any wome who think they should be given freely and often? because im getting that bjs are a holiday, thanks for doing something good, im sorry for neglecting you, kind of thing.
> 
> its like a reward system, like sticker charts, lol. youve earned 3 bjs for the week because u did xyz
> 
> ...


Ma'am, you rock and must have a happy hubby Same as my girl. I once read an FML about a dude finding out that his wife bribes him with BJ's. My gf was disgusted and did not understand why a woman would not just enjoying giving it to their boyfriend/hubby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

i like giving my hubby BJ's and i do not want anything in return,i love seeing him happy,so this little story was us just playing around one evening,kids in bed about 10 years ago.

him: babe can you give me a hummer
me: maybe(playfully with a smile)
him: ill give you $100
me: ok
afterwards i had my hand out for the money,and he gave it to me.i went and bought some summer clothes that the money was going to be used for anyway.

i know,its off topic,but the post reminded me of that night.
wish it would happen more,i need some outfits,lol,JK :rofl::rofl:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The last head I received was when Reagan was President. So accounting for inflation its value today would be roughly equivalent to a car. Of course with her car she could drive off into the sunset and that would be an even better deal.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

janesmith said:


> Im not getting blowjobs being a thing of reward or for special occassions. I dont understand this thinking. Its like bj's are currency in the marriage to get the man to do something or to reward him for doing what a woman wants. Conversely he is punished by being denied a bj when he isnt compliant.
> 
> Where do we learn to do this?


Not sure NOT giving is a punishment, some women really are uncomfortable with it, and so it is more like a special GIFT. Men don't give a women diamonds every time... Do we think it's a punishment if it's something else instead?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Kevinmac said:


> My wife is a prostitute and I am a customer of hers. After I spend 200.0 for a movie and a dinner she screws the heck out of me! The best 200.00 investment I make.


HAAA That's pretty funny


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And I would add that even to my young man's inexperience all those decades ago, she was so bad at it, it wasn't worth it.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

janesmith said:


> Im not getting blowjobs being a thing of reward or for special occassions. I dont understand this thinking. Its like bj's are currency in the marriage to get the man to do something or to reward him for doing what a woman wants. Conversely he is punished by being denied a bj when he isnt compliant.
> 
> Where do we learn to do this?


Women learn to use sex as a weapon, from their mothers and friends. My mom used to tell me that my boyfriends had to pay for my expenses, because they were "getting sex." Most women are spiteful and vindictive; we know that the sex card is ours.
The more I read this section, the more I realize that my husband is lucky he married a woman who enjoys being a hore for her husband. I love giving head too much for it to be a bargaining chip. Every married lady should try to be Mrs. S**** for her hubby, just as he should be Mr.Romance, as well as Mr. Housework when she needs help. 
After being a prude for five years, I became a sexual glutton at 23. I met my husband at 25 and married 3 years later, after cohabiting for 2 years. Married sex is decadent, divine and moving. None of my past one night stands could compare to the emotional depth of making love with my dear Mr.G.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would simplify that a bit. Women use sex to get love. Men use love to get sex. I would have to guess that for every woman with an accounting tally in her head of which part of her husband to lick or stroke per loving chore accomplished, there's a guy out there tallying up the candles, flowers, foot rubs and episodes of Grey's Anatomy it's going to take to get her into a reverse cowgirl.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I really don't like this thread. It's depressing. I don't see sex as currency.

I want to have sex with someone I love, to give myself to them it is an expression of love, I've never been able to be with someone that I didn't feel loved and cared about me.

That means I guess caring about my need to feel special loved and valued. Giving my self to my SO no strings attached is a loving thing to do, and when I don't feel loved I do have a hard time doing that, but I don't in any way feel it's currency.

We just take care of each others needs. I would never want him to do things for me so he can have sex. I want him to do things for me because he loves me like no other and that is what you do for the person you love.

Maybe I'm an idiot.:scratchhead:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Syrum said:


> I really don't like this thread. It's depressing. I don't see sex as currency.
> 
> I want to have sex with someone I love, to give myself to them it is an expression of love, I've never been able to be with someone that I didn't feel loved and cared about me.
> 
> ...


Most threads on advice forums are unhappy.
You are not an idiot, you are a giving person, which is lovely.:smthumbup:


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Ok maybe it don't sound like currency... But it affects currency... Think of it like this... If your settled on being right, and the winner of every needless debate and challenge... Your partner may not want to share resources with you... But if you say hey "I win, so my reward is being right, your reward for losing is [insert sex favor]"... so in turn we use sex with our partners for any and every thing; house work, yard work, gifts, food, to win, even down to cold hard cash at times... Now everyone don't use it for all these things... But it appears as using it for something, when in the right perspective... Point being, you do it for their happiness and for your on instant happiness... It's all fair exchange between two adults...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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