# Don't trust my wife, marriage struggling to survive



## bbdad23

Hello all. I am a father of two boys and I have been married for 8 years. I am struggling right now staying sane. I feel my marriage is falling apart. 

My problem started about 3 years ago when my wife had an affair. I suspected she was doing wrong and I caught her by using a phone recording device and I also caught her leaving the guys house the next morning. When I heard those phone conversations, I was crushed beyond belief. I confronted her and of course she blamed me for her affair and at that time I believed her. We eventually talked things over and stayed with the marriage and honestly things have been great since then. She has been very open and honest with me until about 3 months ago. 

She started talking with a guy on myspace. I logged onto her myspace because she has never minded me knowing her password. I found that she was flirting with this guy on myspace. It wasn't anything too sexual but I still asked her about it and she said she wasn't flirting. That is when things got worse. Now she is changing her passwords and she does tell me what the new passwords are but the next day she changes them. I see she is online when the other guy is online. I ask her if she talks to him much and she says she doesn't. She will also only go on myspace when I am not around. 

I asked her what is missing in our marriage, that she is needing to talk with other guys. She says nothing is wrong and then I ask if we can go to marriage consouling but she won't go. I feel in my gut that something is wrong. I have the same feeling as I did when she had the affair 3 years ago. I always feel suspicouos around her and IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE. We used to have sex about once per week and in the last 3 months we are lucky to have sex once per month. My self-esteem is shattered and I feel like I am falling into depression. I am going to see a doctor because I cannot take it anymore. She always asked my why I am cranky and depressed but she cannot see that she is the reason I am this way. Her not wanting to have sex with me is destroying my self-esteem and making me feel like there is something wrong with me. 

WIth her being secretive about the myspace deal makes all those images of her affair come right back into my head. Please help.


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## sunflower

Myspace, Facebook all of those sites are bad if you are married you should have a joint account. I think that those sites bring nothing but problems you meet people you shouldnt and people from your past always come and bite you in the arss. I think that you need to tell her that you dont want her on it and that she should respect that if you did the same and she told you would you cancel the account?


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## Initfortheduration

You don't need a doctor. You don't need a counselor. You need a divorce lawyer. I have rarely heard of a more inconsiderate wife. She seems to actually get pleasure from tormenting you. Your health is not worth this. i would get with a lawyer ASAP. She hasn't changed at all. And if she is screwing you. Shes screwing some one. Why are you always cranky. When she comes out and say that do you ever say "Its because I don't like the cheating **** you are". 

I can see that you are in major pain. You need to curb her. You think this kind of example of marriage and your depression are going to be good for your kids? I can tell you it isn't. As I have shared here before. I remember getting up in the morning with my brother and running to my mom's bedroom to look under the door and see the guys feet running across the floor to the closet. I was 5 my brother was 6. I will be 50 in June. And yes it has effected me in my relationships. Do you want that for your children. 

If after getting busted 3 years ago screwing some guy. And now she is chat rooms talking with guys. Just what do you think she is arranging?


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## mclovin

I agree with Init. It just doesn't seem like your wife has any regards for your feelings. My wife met her lover on facebook. If your wife is on myspace and she is "flirting" with another guy it's just the start. Soon they make plans to meet. Everything starts off innocently but there are a lot of screwed up people out there that use facebook or myspace as a way to solve their marital problems. Rather than talking to their spouse and committing to the vows they took, they seek out old boyfriends who are soothsayers. It's real easy for an internet boyfriend to make all kinds of promises and be idolized by your wife because it's not reality. Your wife has some type of problem, there is something missing and it might not even be something that you can give her. She may have self esteem issues or some type of hang-up. These kinds of things can't be corrected by you, she has to understand what she is doing and why, realize it is wrong and try to get help. Unfortunately your wife, just like mine, is too selfish right now to get that concept. 

My prayers are with you man. I would say try to seperate from her as a start. At least you will have some piece of mind and be away fro her.


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## Cooper

Any spouse who has a secret life isn't commited to a marriage. Myspace, facebook, text messaging are all ways of hiding things from your spouse. She should be doing nothing she needs to hide from you, if she is you are headed for trouble.
I have a problem with the suggestion of separation. My wife asked me several times to move out for a while, I would never do it. All that would have done was give her the freedom to see her lover more and get me out of our home which she wanted to keep. 
In this age of electronic communication it has become easy for weak willed people to create a fantasy life. Then they think their real life is horrid, and as a spouse you become the monster that makes it horrid. I'm sure she will argue about a joint password, she will tell you you need to trust her and you have no right to read what her and her friends talk about. I would agree with that if she wasn't a cheater. When she cheated she gave up her right to privacy(in certain areas) for a long time, if she can't except that then she hasn't changed and isn't commited to your marriage. She really has no choice here, to stay married she needs to hide nothing from you, if she isn't willing, I say cut her loose.

Cooper


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## mclovin

I'm not saying for him the leave the house and seperate. I'm saying she should leave. Let reality hit her. The reality of her staying if she is not willing to honor his requests is that she will only hurt him more by doing this stuff while living with him. 

I mean it's torture. I go through it everyday and finally my wife will be moving out. I'm sure it will give her freedom to some extent but at least you don't have to deal with being the object of resentment and hurt. 

I just know it's hard to let your wife go, but really, is it worth trying and trying and just getting no result. Then having to see the person everyday knowing they are doing stuff behind your back and hurting you more? Just my opinion. It took me 4 months to get to the point that I still care about my wife, but she has to move out for my sanity.


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## mommanic08

I have been there...it is so hard when you've been slapped with the shock of infidelity and then dealing with the love you still feel for the person.
My ex also cheated. Come to find out he had many different email accounts which helped him in his "endeavor". He would continue to lie about everything in regards to his actions, as most cheaters do. They do it in hiding to avoid getting caught, plus I think they also enjoy or get a rush out of the whole "badness" of it.
The thing is you cannot make her stop. From what I've found, cheaters don't usually just cheat once. They will continue unless they really want to change. If she will not go to counceling, maybe a trial separation is in order? You cannot and should not stay around when she cannot follow her vows/commitment she made to you.


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## bbdad23

Wow. Honestly I didn't expect all these comments. Some are a little harsh but perhaps I am in denial. I think the thing that most upsets me is the possibility of divorce. Yes I have thought about but divorce seems so overwhelming. You sit there and thank about your kids, the house, all the junk you have to deal with. The fear of being alone when it is all over. 

There is nothing nice about divorce especially when you tear your kids home apart. WHy are people so damn selfish? I am 32, 6 foot 190 lbs and I keep in shape. I have a good career and a college degree (if that means anything). I do a majority of the cooking and we split the cleaning evenly. The kids have alot of activities and I take them to all of them. I take the youngest to school everyday and pick him up from daycare because the wife works retail. I feel like my wife has it pretty damn lucky. 

I feel I go above and beyond a typical husband stereotype and I have always been affectionate to my wife. With all that being said, why am I cursed??? 

Maybe the only reason I have not filed for divorce is becuase I am being lazy? 

To answer some of you questions. Yes, if I told my wife to get the hell off myspace, then if she agreed than I would be more than happy to delete mine. The only reason I use the damn thing is to monitor her activity. 

SOmebody asked my why I am cranky? Obviously my gut tells me there is something wrong with my marriage and two, I am 32 and still have a very high sex drive. My wife is very attractive but is not in supermodel shape but she does still get me aroused. Then when she withholds sex from me than I withdraw from her and become cranky. She always has an excuse. Too tired, have a head ache, we just did it 2 nights ago (even though it was a week ago and she gets pissed at me when I remind her). I don't expect for us to have sex everyday and I have communicated to here that 1 or 2 times per week would be fine. She seems to enjoy sex when we have it but I feel like the moons have to align a certain direction before I can get lucky. 

I agree with you all about the myspace and facebook deal. It is no place for married people unless you have a completely open and honest relationship and her changing her passwords everyother day is just fueling the fire.


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## StrongEnough

Have you considered joint marriage counseling? Do you think she would go?


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## Initfortheduration

bbdad23,

Yes a lot of the posts are from people who have been cheated on themselves. So the anger comes out. 

I don't know if you understand this about women. When a woman has an affair she often slows or ceases sex with her husband. Why? This is going to hurt. Because they feel guilty about cheating on the man they are having an affair with. If you had a normal sex life till she cheated the first time. And it changed 3 months ago. She is probably having another affair. I am so sorry for you. You need to take action this time. You are entitled to a partner who loves you and only you.


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## bbdad23

Here is low down on marriage counseling. When she had her affair 3 years ago, she went to a phyciatrist and was diagnosed with depression. SHe never knew really what caused her depression but I would bet it was post pardum depression. 

I have asked her to go to couple therapy but she doesn't want to because she thinks they will say she is crazy and two she says we don't need it even though I expressed my concerns about our marriage.


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## StrongEnough

So what exactly do you want? Do you want the marriage to work or do you want out? I get the feel that you want it to work, but doubt it will.


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## bbdad23

You are probably right. I would like it to work but doubt it will and I am probably just delaying the inevitable.


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## StrongEnough

You can't make her want to be with you, but you can be the best you possible. I would focus on yourself and individual counseling and go from there.


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## bbdad23

I agree STONG ENOUGH, I have an appointment with a phyciatrist on Monday which is huge deal for me. I think that the doc will help me over my ruined self-esteem that my wife has created and help me get over my blues. I am afraid if I don't get help for myself than I would worth a damn to any future women.


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## Initfortheduration

hey, you are a real catch. You have just had the ****ty end of the stick for so long, it is dragging you down. Now that you know it is pretty much over, start working out more. There will be women knocking your door down. You are married to a serial cheater. I don't believe she is the norm.


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## jacksimpson35

I want to give you a totally different point of view. First, don't necessarily accept the standard view--that she is awful, that there has to be something wrong with you, that you should call a divorce lawyer, all that. I suggest that you consider ACCEPTING her need for occasional sexual relationships with other men. It only has to destroy your marriage if you retain a conventional viewpoint. There is another way and I've been through it so I know what I am talking about. 

I am 39, my wife the same, and we've been married 10 years. She is a beautiful woman and men have always hit on her. Three years ago, I found out that she had been having regular sex with her boss for about year. At first I was shattered. I asked if she would stop, and she said she couldn't, that she could say "yes" but she'd be lying and now that I knew she wanted it to be open. When I pressed about why she couldn't stop, she said that regular sex with him had just become part of her life and she didn't want to give it up. He was married too, she didn't "love" him, she loved me, didn't want to destroy 
either marriage. But She was candid, and said that sex with him was the best she ever had physically. She just couldn't give it up.

A couple of friends told me that I should leave her if she didn't stop, all the usual. I was in agony, confronting that another man had been intimate with her for so long and was outperforming me sexually with my own wife. For weeks I couldn't eat or sleep properly, couldn't decide between the awful choice of leaving her or accepting the situation.

Then I got unconventional advice from a sex counselor, who urged me to consider acceptance through openmindedness and humility. The first was to accept that her doing this didn't mean she was bad or didn't love me, the second was to accept that the other man was superior to me in bed.

I tried this and in time the pain subsided, and acceptance grew. I applied love to the situation, trying to be happy for her that the other man was bringing her happiness rather than focusing on ME. 

It worked! She has continued to have sex with him to this day, though the frequency has dwindled to maybe once a month. Our own sex life is actually better than it used to be, i think because of the honesty and because she is genuinely grateful, even turned on, by my openness. And I don't have to fear, because I know what's happening. Once and a while, at some function or other, I even have to be in the presence of her boss. I admit that it's still a bit difficult when that happens. It is still strange in that situation to know that this man knows her so intimately and to be honest I think I am still bothered by being outperformed by him. But again I bring humility into my mind and get through it.

So there is an alternate path to consider. Please consider it. As they say "it's all in the mind" and you can control your mind.


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## Initfortheduration

Well Jacks way is another way. But since the sex is dwindling to once a month with the boss. She will be looking to add another man if she hasn't added one already. Jack has learned to accept this by ignoring the pain his cheating wife causes him. She knows the pain that it did and does cause him but is willing to put it him through it because of her own selfishness. A counselor has convinced him that it is ok for his wife to cheat. His initial pain and misery over this had no effect on his wife while she continued to schtump her boss. She has no self control and Jack has accepted being a cuckold. He accepts, that when his wife and boss are in the middle coitus, and the boss asks her if her husband can do it to her like him. And she says not on your life. They mock and laugh at him behind his back for being a dupe and a cuckold. Any man that allows his wife to debase their marriage vows like this is weak. Why because he sits there and accepts (because he still feels it) The pain his wife happily puts him through. Yes Jack I guess your way is another way.


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## sunflower

Wow I dont even know what to say about Jacks comment? I guess people are more open and excepting then others? No way in hell would I be ok with that no way. But I am not placing judgment on you either people have differant relationships. whatever works for you!


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## jacksimpson35

While I respect InfortheDuration's viewpoint, it makes the classic assumption that extramarital sex is always wrong, always painful and that anyone who accepts it must be kidding himself. He is doing the classic thing of "assuming the conclusion." Another mistake is the assumption that if I feel some jealousy that proves I'm kidding myself. Not true. The fact that I have any mixed feeling at all doesn't mean that, on balance, I am not truly accepting. It's just as selfish for me to say to my wife "no never" as it would be for her to say "I will never stop"--unless you start by assuming the conclusion that extramartial sex has to be wrong. Do others see what I mean? I have made a choice to accept. And the fact that he gives her superior sexual intercourse, while a source of jealousy for me, and no doubt pride and enjoyment for him, is not a reason for me to say no. Indeed I see it as a reason to say yes. She deserves to have the peak of ecstasy that he brings her to. That turns me on, just as it makes me envious of his abilities. Yes, world, I am a cuckold in a sense, but the real cuckold is the man who's wife does it behind his back and I prefer to accept reality. BBDAD what do you think?


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## Initfortheduration

I read your response to my post. And while the point you make has the appearance of being one of enlightenment. The fact remains that your wife has taken the most intimate, passionate and precious representation of the joining of two people. And given it to another man. She has bound her very soul to a man that is not her husband. She has willingly taken what belongs to you, the very best of what she has to offer, gives it to another and offers you what is left. When she looks up at you when you are having intercourse (apparently you would rather use that word then making love, because to make love speaks of a deeper commitment) and imagines him, and what you lack, that it helps if you try and reduce the act to an animal behavior. When what you have really allowed is the exchange of the greatest treasure between a man and woman for a cerebral argument that rings hollow. In closing your response you said:

Yes, world, I am a cuckold in a sense, but the real cuckold is the man who's wife does it behind his back and I prefer to accept reality. BBDAD what do you think?

You claiming, and what you appear to believe, that being a cuckold with knowledge is superior in some way to a cuckold without knowledge. Even that lofty rank you boast was not given you by your wife. You had to find out her treachery on your own. I ask you one question were you a happier man before or after you found out?


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## jacksimpson35

The problem here, InfortheDuration, is that you are imposing a particular view about sex on everyone else. Yours is a common viewpoint, indeed the standard one in our culture, but it is not dictated by anything other than a particular cultural viewpoint. (If you are trying to give us the word of God, I don't accept you as priest and messenger.) Sex is many things to many people, and I feel just as intimate with my wife as I did before and if anything closer to her. We have wonderful sex and love making. I don't believe her sex with the boss is love making in the same way, though it is by her own admission sex with friendship. You see this in all or nothing terms. I don't. Moreover, your view contains a strong notion of "property rights" to which neither I nor my wife subscribe. Enough said by us. I'd like to hear other views if anyone is reading this stuff!


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## charlie

bbdad23,
I went through a divorce several years ago. My lawyer told me that infidelity is not the cause of a broken marriage but the symptom of one. You also need to consider what would happen to you and your kids if your wife gets HIV (or something similar) and gives it to you. She is taking a gamble. 

It all depends on what you want to do. If you are happy knowing that she prefers to be in the presence of some other man than you and you don't mind the risk of getting infected with an STD, then stay with her. However, if it does bother you that she is with someone else and you don't want the risk of an STD, then go for the divorce. 

It appears you have made an effort to deal with it and tried to keep the marriage together but it has cost you emotionally.

If it was me, I would have been already gone.

Charlie


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## onlylonelyone

I have watched my sister and friends cheat. I think it is completely selfish. Not only do you risk the health of your spouse, you are also robbing your spouse of someone that will love them as they deserve. I hear all the time how they feel bad if they leave, feel sorry for their husband, etc.....I say they need to step off the high and mighty, and accept they are doing far more damage staying in the marriage. You will live, and live better without a cheating spouse. You will look back and realize the pain was worth it when you find your true love :smthumbup: You obviously are very concerned about your children as well and any GOOD parent would be, but raising them in a household that is unhappy only shows them what to look for when they get married. I am not telling you to divorce, as that is no ones place to tell you, but keep yourself held high, relish the fact you never broke your vows and really know you don't deserve to be cheated on. That is her choice and it's a really bad one, and she has to live with that forever, you don't...


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## GPR

jacksimpson35 said:


> The problem here, InfortheDuration, is that you are imposing a particular view about sex on everyone else. Yours is a common viewpoint, indeed the standard one in our culture, but it is not dictated by anything other than a particular cultural viewpoint. (If you are trying to give us the word of God, I don't accept you as priest and messenger.) Sex is many things to many people, and I feel just as intimate with my wife as I did before and if anything closer to her. We have wonderful sex and love making. I don't believe her sex with the boss is love making in the same way, though it is by her own admission sex with friendship. You see this in all or nothing terms. I don't. Moreover, your view contains a strong notion of "property rights" to which neither I nor my wife subscribe. Enough said by us. I'd like to hear other views if anyone is reading this stuff!



Question:

Who else are you having intercourse with?


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## 1nurse

Wow, whatever happened to marriage vows? Forsaking all others till death do you part? I TOTALLY disagree with the sex therapist you saw Jack. Your wife sounds like she has a addiction problem and you are her enabler. Very sad. I think when you see you've been duped maybe you'll start loving yourself enough to leave. How many other men will she feel a NEED to be intimate with?? Stop kidding yourself.


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## Initfortheduration

Somebody with some type of sheepskin on the wall convinced him that his wife should be able to sleep with whoever she wants. Including the sex therapist. As he doesn't mention anyone that he has sex with. It seems that she has convinced him that she should be the only one who should be able to have sex with whoever she wants. He mentions that the sex with her boss is only once a month now. She is obviously moving on to someone else.


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## tg-1

Just been reading other peoples problems to get a prespective of my problems, and read Jacks comments... 

I just want to know jacksimpson35, are you having sex with other women as well? or is it just her? if you are, are you doing it because you want too or because she is doing it?

if you are not, have you concidered it?


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## Ouch_next

I know exactly how to solve your problems. Tell that b**** you've had it with her adulterous harlot ways and are on the prowl to replace her with two more younger and hotter girls.


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