# He's ready to move on



## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

For the past couple of months, my husband and I have been fighting more and more. Most of the arguments revolve around the common theme of how no one (I and the kids) listens to anything he says. For him, “listening” means doing whatever he suggests and agreeing with whatever he says. We tend to argue when he thinks I don’t get his point but usually it’s that I do get his point but I’m trying to make a different point. He then proceeds to tell me that we aren’t talking about what I want to talk about, but what he wants to talk about and at this point, he’s usually yelling quite loudly at me. So lately I just let things go because I don’t want to get into another argument and I also cannot stand the yelling and the anger and the frustration. He is also becoming so much more withdrawn from everyone and everything. My parents came to visit last weekend and he was so annoyed by the whole situation that he, once again, ended up yelling at me about it and saying that he doesn’t want anyone to come visit us at our home anymore. He already has issues with going to visit others so we are basically going to become recluses if he can’t even handle anyone coming here. He’s very asocial, has pretty much alienated most of his friends over perceived slights and his inability to compromise, see anyone else’s point of view and/or forgive anyone. If he isn’t yelling at me in frustration over some incident with a driver or a cashier or really anyone else, he’s yelling at me about me or our kids or some teacher or some coach. I cannot handle all the anger and negativity. And when I try to be positive, he tells me that I’m coddling the kids or being a doormat. I’m really just trying not to get pulled into his bad mood or have the kids get pulled in. 

We can’t just have a chat about a movie or a book or a test or a baseball game without the discussion turning into some life lesson or how everyone is out to get you or how politicians are ruining our country. And since he demands such rapt attention (I say “demands” because I really get tired of him moping around the house because we are all glazed over during yet another 20-minute tirade on the ills of society), it’s exhausting to listen to the complaining all the time. 

He tells me that he doesn’t feel like he’s part of the family and that he has nothing to contribute and that our kids see him as “just some guy”. I know my kids love him and that I love him, but I don’t think that we can give him what he needs, which is 110% of everything we have all the time. I feel like I’m giving him everything that I can, but it’s just not enough. He says that I am cold and unfeeling. I know I can get that like sometimes, but as often as I tell him that I wouldn’t still be in this marriage if I didn’t love him and want to be around him, he just doesn’t believe it. He doesn’t believe when I tell him that his kids love him and want him around. I don’t think we can love him the way he wants to be loved. 

I have been composing the above post in my head for a few weeks now. And then last night, after yet another argument over how no one cares what he says (one child was excited about a good grade on a test but an off-hand remark about something the teacher said turned into a discussion about what my child should have done differently and I was like “can you just let the kid enjoy the ****ing good grade?!” and it all went downhill from there), he told me that it’s time for him to “move on.” I’ve been thinking that a separation would be good for us but I hadn’t brought it up yet because we seemed to have been communicating a little better, i.e., trying not to shut each out when we get mad, but the phrase “move on” just really hit me hard. I suggested that we go talk to someone and he said that he didn’t want to talk to anyone, that he was sick of talking. I’m not really surprised. He’s become so disdainful of pretty much anyone; I doubt any therapist or counselor could say anything that he would actually take to heart. Since last night, I have been vacillating between feelings of “fine, get the **** out!” and “please stay and work this out.” I don’t want my kids to be without their father and I really would like to see us grow old together, but I recognize that he would have to change for me to be happy (and I’m sure I would need to change to make him happy). But I have tried so many times to work through this with him and we seem to end up in the same place: him unhappy and me over-compromising. I’m angry, sad, frustrated and so, so tired. 

If you read all of this, thank you. I needed to get this off my chest and I know this site is a great place for that. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you both have jobs or are you a SAHM ? How much time does he get to spend with the kids ? Is he happy in his job ? Just asking because I recognise certain behaviours here.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Do you both have jobs or are you a SAHM ? How much time does he get to spend with the kids ? Is he happy in his job ? Just asking because I recognise certain behaviours here.


He doesn't work. I do (from home). He has the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the kids here at home. One thing that drives me nuts, though, is that he always wants them to come to him. He's like "if they want to ask me something, I'm here, but they never do." I told him that my approach is to approach them - I ask them questions, I ask them to do stuff with me. He also rarely goes out with us. He doesn't like to go out to dinner or the movies or anything (because everyone pisses him off so much) so I'll take the kids. I feel like he could have some control over this situation (i.e., feeling more like a part of the family) but he's so stubborn, he's basically taking himself out of the picture. So his only contribution is talking. Lots and lots of talking. And I know the kids get tired of just listening all the time. He does have a lot of good things to say, but my guess is that he needs to do more than just talk in order to connect with the kids. I know that for me, just doing things with them or being in the same room with them makes me feel closer with them. Since he is so concerned about doing things a certain way and lecturing us about it, it's very difficult to do something simple like play a board game.

Edited to add: I know that his not working contributes to his feeling like he doesn't have much to offer the family. I have never felt like he didn't contribute and I've told him that many times. He used to work all full-time but once he stopped, it's like he's conditioned himself to have all the traits that would prevent a person from being able to work with others.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If you chase him, it will only show him that he is totally correct, that there is nothing wrong with his actions.

I would also state that he is a negative influence on your children, they will learn that outbursts are normal, and either learn to be avoidant, or have the similar behavior. They probably fear him, afraid of his outburst, and may hide within a shell in order not to trigger your husband's anger. He will highly increase the chance of them turning out to be dysfunctional.

As he is, he is not a healthy role model, and he is setting an example of what an adult should behave like. We inherit a lot of our parents beliefs, habits, and behavior.

Not to mention he is bringing out the worse side of you. Your having a hard time being in control of yourself, and he has the ability to bring you down to his level.

Think carefully and logically,how was your personality before your husband,and how is it now. You have years to contrast the two people that you were and with the current you. Do you like what you see?

It sounds like he has major issues, something he blames everyone around him instead of focusing inward first. You cannot change him and he has to be motivated to seek help on his own.

His bond to the family is not strong enough for him to seek help, and he rather be this way than have a family.

If you do not believe me, just look at the reality before you. He is threatening, manipulating to get his way or he will abandon you and the children.

Also, start detaching from him. Your love is a biological bond, and if you think very carefully, the person he is now is the type of person you will avoid being with at all costs.

Your love for him is an addiction, and as it stands, it makes no sense. His dysfunction is affecting everyone around him, especially you and the children.

Once you detach, those love goggles will be removed, giving you better clarity.

Love doesn't always make sense, that is how people get trapped in abusive, or miserable relationships.

In the mean time, work on you, work to be mentally healthy, seek a therapist for help.

Could you please describe his behavior in more full detail. Does he regret his outburst, does he apologize, the more complete picture you can offer, the better.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

I didn't mean to just write the OP and leave but I've been so confused these past couple of weeks. After I started this thread, I had almost decided to tell him that maybe he should move on. And then we talked and things got a little better, but I was surprised that I wasn't completely relieved that he didn't want to leave. I'm just having such a hard time with all of his negativity and anger. At the same time, I am questioning whether I really want to upend my family's entire life. How do you know that you really want to separate from your SO?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Running Mom said:


> He also rarely goes out with us. He doesn't like to go out to dinner or the movies or anything (because everyone pisses him off so much) so I'll take the kids. I feel like he could have some control over this situation (i.e., feeling more like a part of the family) but he's so stubborn, he's basically taking himself out of the picture.


Question - Has he had his Testosterone levels checked?

When mine took a nose dive (I went form over 500 to 180 in a really fast period of time - roughly 6 months) - I was angry about everything.

If his T-LVLS have dropped radically, he might not be stubborn, well yes stubborn , but stubborn because he can't help himself. I was beyond stubborn - if I felt the slightest bit of resistance, I would dig in and make everything miserable.

Once I was able to get on to TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) - all my anger, stubbornness, resistance to doing anything went away)

See if you can get him to go to the doctor and get his levels checked


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

snerg said:


> Question - Has he had his Testosterone levels checked?
> 
> When mine took a nose dive (I went form over 500 to 180 in a really fast period of time - roughly 6 months) - I was angry about everything.
> 
> ...


Actually, he takes a lot of nutritional supplements including stuff that boosts his testosterone. In fact, I think he takes too much and that it probably contributes to his anger.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

He's not taking steroids, is he?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Wow, sounds like a really difficult spot. Hard to deal with someone that is unable to realize that they may be wrong. 

Once you realize that you can't control his actions and only your own, you can start working on your situation. Go to individual therapy and talk some of this stuff through with a professional. They can help to give you some feedback and another perspective on your situation.

Unless your husband has some sort of awakening and self awareness of his actions, I don't see a happy ending to this marriage. His actions are detrimental to his kids and certainly don't inspire trust between the two of you. Without trust, marriage is just an empty shell.

Do what you need to do for you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Running Mom said:


> Actually, he takes a lot of nutritional supplements including stuff that boosts his testosterone. In fact, I think he takes too much and that it probably contributes to his anger.


Uhhh... yeah. Probably so.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Unemployed, feels like a failure, insecure, angry, negative. 

He is in a swirling vortex sucking him down into a pit of negative energy where everything becomes a slight and every wrong in the world is a barrier, and then ultimately the reason not to try to work, build anything, believe anything, love anyone ect... 

He needs to hit bottom to bounce. No everyone bounces back. Don't go to the bottom with him.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

He sounds like a self-absorbed twit. Personally, I would tell him that since he is so miserable and wants to Move On, to please do.

Get a lawyer and file for custody and child support. He needs to get a job.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Separating might do him a world of good. You're supporting the family. You engage the children. He sits around and pontificates and argues. Let him see what the real world looks like. Maybe he can find a boss who will appreciate his pontificating and arguing. Maybe he's found another woman who will tolerate it.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Separating might do him a world of good. You're supporting the family. You engage the children. He sits around and pontificates and argues. Let him see what the real world looks like. Maybe he can find a boss who will appreciate his pontificating and arguing. Maybe he's found another woman who will tolerate it.


I agree. I really feel like he wouldn't be so quick to tell me how I should react to stuff at work if he understood what it was like to be out there still and having to support the family. It's not like I can just call my boss an ******* whenever I want! I feel like if he got a job and had to go out every day and deal with people, he would either figure out a way to cope with it all or realize that he needs to just go live in a cabin in the woods all by himself. 

I know that right now his issue is sex. We haven't had sex in a couple of weeks. The last time we went this long, I told him it was because he was basically being an ******* and I wasn't interested. I know that now he probably thinks I'm just being a ***** (I don't have a lot of sexual desire but I do try to have sex with him at least once a week) and so he doesn't even ask me what's wrong - he's just all caught up in his own resentment towards me. What I really would like right now is for him to just be nice to me and show some affection. I've been trying to get him to just touch or hug and for us to have a nice conversation (about something that won't set him off!) and he's just not getting it. 

I have been thinking about going to individual therapy (as suggested by a poster above) so I need to look into that. I'll also try to talk to my husband again this week.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Taking supplements does not mean it raises his level to acceptable level. Is he tired quickly, emotional with out a doubt. Not sleep restfully, urinate more through the night, night sweats, but, man blobs? Get levels checked!

I was using testim jell and mine only went from 223 to 400 range. Dr wanted it around 1000. Now take injections weekly. Now I can stay awake past 7pm. Lack of sex will cause ALOT of anger and resentment. If his love language is physical, like mine, lack of sex tells him you do not care about him or want to connect with him. It causes anger and is all you can think about. 

If my wife limited us to 1x a week I would be very hurt and angry. Im 43 and she is 46 and if we are not alone at least 3x week....I'm not right with the world.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

While I think it is always worth investigating the physical connection to any observed personality issues, it is also quite possible he always had a personality disorder but until he alienated his friends and could no longer find employers willing to put up with him, you weren't fully aware of it. Imagine how co-workers would feel if he was lecturing or criticizing them. And chances are, he did. 

If he will see a medical doctor and therapist, great. if not, see the therapist on your own and consider the impact on the kids of having to live full time with their dad. The down side might be, having to be alone with him part of the time--if he insists on having placement. He might not. You can also start them in therapy so they have a sounding board and, when they are older, they can let Dad and a judge know if it isn't working for them. He may do better with them alone, however; it's always hard to tell until you try.

Lots to consider. Take one step at a time. Don't make any promises--you don't know where this will lead. All you can do is try.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

The last week has been pretty intense and stressful. I talked to my husband about what's been bothering me and he said that I "dropped a bomb on him." There was much yelling and crying and talking over the next week or so, and we both said things that we should have said and things that we shouldn't have said. However, it seems that for both of us, we just kind of lost sight of why we are together. Things are much better now. He's much more aware of how often he directs his recreational outrage at me and the kids, and he's toned it way down (and I've started telling him when I've heard enough). It also occurred to me that I may have a physical issue, i.e., hormonal. I decided that before going to see a therapist, I would get my hormone levels checked. I just went to the doctor today so I should have the results in a couple of weeks. When we don't have sex, we tend to distance ourselves from each other. And since this last time was the longest we've ever gone without sex, I think I started to get overly critical of him. Although I'm not happy that we went through this, I do feel like we are in a better place.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

In the end, you have to tell him, that he can get counseling, it can be joint, or if he is that upset and thinks nothing is wrong, he does have to leave. I try to be tough on posters and even-handed, but this looks like almost all his fault and if he is has no interest in changing, it is hard to see an alternative to separation and assuming his behavior continues, divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This isn't a hormonal issue. It's a respect issue. I married the same man. Look up the "Right Man Syndrome." Only HIS way is the right way, and it's his job in life to correct everyone else's incorrectness. He, too, feels alienated. About every 6 months or so, I get the 'I should just drive off a bridge cos I'm just here so you can spend my money, and neither of you would miss me' speech.

But he doesn't treat anyone ELSE this way - only me and DD24. Because we let him.

I'm glad you're speaking up, because that's the only way to change this. That, and setting hard boundaries to protect you from it and then following through on the CONSEQUENCES you have to enact if he crosses your boundaries. Inform him ahead of time that you're setting up the consequences so you don't stop loving him; that they're to protect that love.

An example might be 'if you criticize - or 'educate about' child's grade again, I'm going to take the child and leave the room so she doesn't have to be told she's a failure.' And then if he does it again, LEAVE THE ROOM.

He can learn. But it will take you being stronger and doing the consequences.

One question: why did he quit working and why isn't he looking now?


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

I am in a marriage with an angry, negative, demanding, energy sucking spouse. 

This kind of parent has a very negative effect on children's self esteem. I don't know what age your kids are, but my kids are 20 and 17. Both of them regard their dad as having a personality disorder and have no respect for him. They avoid him as much as possible. As kids get older, they see how other parents behave and know that there is something off about theirs. Children's love doesn't always last through years of criticism. I wish I had been able to pull my codependent head out of the sand and do what's right for my kids when it would have made a difference. You still have a chance to do that.

I would recommend that you insist that your husband attend individual counseling. He needs to learn empathy and understand how his outbursts effect others. He needs to understand that others' feelings are as important as his own. If he cant learn that and continues to create a stressful, destabilized and emotionally unsafe environment you should leave him before your kids are permanently damaged.

By the way, my husband often played the "i am leaving" card as a tactic to scare me to get into line with what he wanted. He never left - It was just a way to get control.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed. The cumulative effect on my DD24 growing up around such a man has been horrible.


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