# Wife and MiL phone calls



## Married-Man (Dec 6, 2011)

Wife and I are married for 13 yrs. 2 kids. 

My wife and her mom (who is a widow age 70) have a weekly phone call -- Sunday nights. MiL always calls about 10:00 or just after call usually goes 45-min - hour. 

I admit I sometimes find these calls intrusive as I don't get a lot of "us" time with my wife sans kiddos. Eg stayed watching a little tv just us on the couch after kids go to bed... (On a Sunday). 10:03. Phone rings - off she goes. 

I have expressed my displeasure on this - not received well by my wife. Have suggested maybe they do the scheduled call when I'm working or commuting... Every day for all I care Also not received well. Mil is retired. I really don't want to interfere or stifle their communication. Just don't need to hear it and would prefer my wife is "present" during a little window of opportunity. 

I don't want to come off as jealous needy guy. Or control freak guy... Am I out of line - or is this a reasonable request?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Op,

I think that having a scheduled day / time to talk to elderly / infirm relatives is a good idea particularly if they live alone. Without it can be so easy to just get caught up in our home lives only to realize that you have not spoken for weeks or even months.

In your families circumstances I can see that you might feel that the timing of the call could be better but that would depend (I would have thought) more on your wife’s schedule than her mothers, if you wife is busy during the day (work / household duties / school runs / childcare / cooking your meals etc etc) then a Sunday evening might be the best time for her.

If you truly feel that that time would be better spent as "US TIME" then maybe you could assist your wife by freeing up another timeslot for calling her mum.

N.B. I phone my father (widowed and in his 70's) every other Sunday whilst I am preparing the lunch and on the other weekend my sister calls him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

What's the reasoning from their perspective for the call to occur at this time?


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I completely sympathize, Married-Man. My W and I also have a very limited amount of time to spend together, and it bugs me when she stays on that damn phone for extended periods during what little together time we have.

This is one of those things that a lot of people are going to tell you you're in the wrong over and that you're controlling bc all they see is "This guy doesn't want his W talking to her mom." What these people don't see are the months and months of only an hour or so of together time a day and the frustration of regularly having that one precious hour interrupted by a phone call that your W doesn't seem to be making any effort whatsoever of ending. At first you let it slide but after a while you start to feel as if your W is de-prioritizing you for her MIL (or whoever).

I would start by instead of trying to rationalize or negotiate with your W telling her how it makes you feel unimportant and ignored. Chances are that will give her better understanding of why you don't like the timing of the call. Reiterate that you fully support the call with her MIL but that her intentionally having it during your together time makes you feel pretty crappy. If she's dismissive or worse tries to argue or otherwise convince you that you're wrong, then at least you'll know where you and she stand in relation to each other.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

no, you are not wrong for feeling like this. my wife and MIL work together, and my MIL still calls almost every night... usually to talk about work! drives me nuts, but I just try to let it roll off, otherwise the world calls you a controlling ass.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

From my outsiders perspective, it seems more than reasonable that she calls her mom once a week for an hour. Especially if it's clockwork, I don't think that sounds unreasonable from her point at all.

My question would be, why is she against changing this time? Because if she moved it, you probably wouldn't care either. If she has a good reason, I would think you should give her some slack. Women need to communicate with their families and friends, especially their mom. An hour a week is not that much for a woman.

You guys can really not come to a compromise on this?


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## Majestic Starman (Nov 24, 2013)

Married_Man... You've got to be kidding me. You can't give your wife 45 minutes for her family and emotional needs away from you? My wife will talk with her mother for up to an hour EVERY DAY! Tell me this... Do you do anything for yourself that takes away her time with you? Play any sports, go out with your buddies, travel for work? If so, or unless the "us" time you refer to is only a couple of hours a week, I'm not sure you have the right to be upset for her giving time to her widowed mother.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Majestic Starman said:


> Married_Man... You've got to be kidding me. You can't give your wife 45 minutes for her family and emotional needs away from you? My wife will talk with her mother for up to an hour EVERY DAY! Tell me this... Do you do anything for yourself that takes away her time with you? Play any sports, go out with your buddies, travel for work? If so, or unless the "us" time you refer to is only a couple of hours a week, I'm not sure you have the right to be upset for her giving time to her widowed mother.


:iagree:


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

My wife started calling her mom every night since her mom had a nasty fall a few years ago. She lives 1200 miles away, and they rarely miss a night. Yes, sometimes it bothers me, probably because one of my love languages is quality time.

However, i came to the realization that some day, her mom won't be here to call (she is 79). I can't call my mom anymore because she is a nursing home with dementia and no longer knows who I am. So, every time I start to resent it, I just remember how much I wish I could call my mom.


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## Married-Man (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks for all the feedback.

I came here for opinions and got some quality feedback. Thanks TAMmers. 

To the poster who wondered what the ration is: it's just always been that way.... 

Dave - seems like you've walked in my shoes. Thx for your feedback. 

its never bothered me too much but the last time mil just left the day before after a 5 day visit and I was cranky about that to boot and then they jump,on the phone fir an hour. I've suggested other times - and explained my feelings but not received well

Mil is widowed and lives two states away... Kind of lonely. So I really don't want to be seen as jealous/control freak guy - not cool. Not healthy...probably shows low value on my part too. 

I'm telling myself -- the person I love most needs and wants this and I should accept and let it happen - else resentment kicks in. 

Starman and romantic guy have helped me realize this might not be the best battle to pick. 

Thanks for answering me.


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