# Morning After Pill



## Marco123 (May 28, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. Before we got married I always wanted two children and my wife always wanted three. Once we had our daughter, she was a handful, we both mutually decided we only wanted an only child. Now fast forward 3 years later she wants another child and I am very happy with my family the way it is.

Now we just had a condom slip off last night...and I suggested the use of the morning after pill...which promptly got a angry response from her. My wife was raped and had to take the morning after pill years before she met me. So now she's associating my suggestion of the morning after pill with rape. She doesn't want to take it and I think it's being used so she can hopefully be pregnant again, all the while knowing that I don't want another child and I did all in my power to provide protection (next to getting a vasectomy) by using a condom. But now she won't reciprocate the same protection by taking a morning after pill.

I can't believe this is happening. Any advice?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Give your daughter a sister


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

First off I'll say I HATED being an only child.

Secondly, you can't force her to take it. 

I morally don't believe in taking it. But that's not for this topic. I know you don't want to hear it, but you both did originally agree to have more than one child. So she is well within her right to be upset that you don't want another now.

That said. It is also not right for her to force you to have a child you don't want. 

This is a tricky situation. But I have to agree with above poster. Not much you can do about it now.

And also. If you're so against having children, why aren't you doubling up on protection? Condoms aren't 100%.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This has got to be one of the most difficult situations in a marriage because there is no compromise. You want one thing and she wants the other and you both feel, and rightly so, that you're right and the other is wrong.

Talk, share and listen. Get her talking and sharing. Reflect back what she feels in your own words. Then you do the same. Both of you come to the table NOT to sway the other but to understand the other. This is the only way to get through something like with without creating relationship destroying resentments.

Listen, reflect and listen some more. Both of you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Be more sensitive to your wife.

Get a vasectomy if you don't want more.

I would be angry with you as well.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'll probably get blasted by these comments, but I think you're an extremely selfish person. Why would you only want 1 child? Most likely you and the wife could easily handle a 2nd child if you would be open to it, plus it would be incredibly rewarding for you plus give your girl someone else to interact with. An only child is easy to spoil, and chances are your kid is spoiled rotten.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm not for having more children that aren't wanted - even by one parent. It's cruel when both aren't on board. 

Facts:

Your wife wants another baby. 
You do not want another baby.
Accidents happen. 

Suggesting your wife take the pill was insensitive. If you are so afraid of getting her pregnant and you're sure you don't want any more, go get a vasectomy.

If she gets pregnant on accident through condom use - it sounds like you're going to accuse her of doing it on purpose.



> and I think it's being used so she can hopefully be pregnant again, all the while knowing that I don't want another child and I did all in my power to provide protection


It wouldn't be her fault for not taking the morning after pill. You both would be equally at fault for the pregnancy from the failure of a condom. Again, you don't want more kids - go get a vasectomy or stop having sex if you can't handle the consequences of it.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

well, heres the deal. Just because the condom slipped off does not mean she is/will be automatically pregnant. So it is not like you are having to decide in this moment whether or not to have "this baby" because failure of birth control does not equal 100% chance of pregnancy. You could do nothing and there's still a good chance she will not be pregnant. Was this near her ovulation time? That would up the chance and concern. 

I guess I am curious if there was such a high need (at least on your part) to prevent pregnancy then why were condoms the only method of prevention?! I guess different people feel differently about that, but if I wanted zero chance of pregnancy I would not rely on condoms alone. I know you said you've wanted to eventually get a vasectomy, but guess what, you didn't. And condoms are not 100% effective even without slippage. 

I understand your concern, but I also understand her disdain over your suggestion of Plan B. I honestly think it would not be the worst thing in the world for you guys to have a second child. You are a parent, you know you can do it, and you're sure to love another baby as well. But of course this doesn't mean that if she is not pregnant from this condom failure that you are obligated to try for another. Not at all saying that. If she isn't pregnant, then you need to get a more reliable form of birth control. She needs to consider getting on the pill, or you need to schedule that vasectomy ASAP. And, of course, talk this all through with your wife first.

And remember, breathe. This isn't the worst thing in the world. Express your concerns to your wife and come up with a plan together.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

We intended our first to be an only child and he was - for 8 years. All babies are handfuls when they are babies. Although there are advantages to having kids spaced far apart, there are some disadvantages too. (Finding an inclusive family activity is an example as it can get tricky finding something we ALL enjoy).

My second wasn't planned but was obviously meant to be (and we are all crazy about him) but if I could go back, I would have had him soon after my first. Then we could get through the baby/toddler stage in one fell swoop vs getting through it with one and starting over.

Anyhow, the point of this is that I think you ought to change your mind on having a 2nd kid. There is a bigger difference of wanting 3 children and only having one than there is between only wanting 2 and then later choosing to have only 1.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Each to their own. Personally I think a child should have a sibling...another blood family member for when Mum and Dad aren't around and for a whole host of other things too.

But children are expensive. Two children are more expensive than one. Maybe the OP can't afford another one.

I have a son and a daughter who mean the world to me. I could not live without them and I love them more than they will ever realise.
But....if I didn't have or know about the emotional impact and only knew, then, the drain on finances the strain on relationships etc that children bring, I would have had a vasectomy before I got married!
I know that sounds callous but I hope people understand what I am trying to say!

As far as the condom splitting or coming off...the chances of you 'impregnating' her through one slip condom is very remote.

However the whole thing runs deeper than that...you are happy with one she wants two. You need to have a frank and open discussion with her with both of you accepting the possibility that you may end up having to agree with having one or two.


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

Time will tell...I understand both sides. That is a tough situation. Condoms are not at all a fool proof way to prevent pregnancy (my oldest child is proof of that) so you were both taking the chance anyway.


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## Marco123 (May 28, 2013)

My initial post seemed rushed. I am open to the possibility of 2, I'm just not ready for a second right now. Our first was planned and it took us 5 months after my wife was off the pill to get pregnant. Since then my wife didn't want to take birth control pills due to the hormones and affect on her body, which I totally respected. She had also tried an IUD 5 years or so ago, and it reacted badly with her body so she had it removed. So that leaves the birth control up to me, it's either a condom for temporary birth control or a snip for a longer term solution. I didn't get snipped as I know it's my body, but it's still our family and I know I shouldn't have the final say. So that's my reason for not getting a vasectomy. I know one slip doesn't mean she's pregnant, but when you can take a pill afterwards to ensure that we're safe...why wouldn't you take it?

Either way she did take the pill last night, I think there is going to be some resentment for quite some time. Just something I/we will have to work on. I do appreciate all the input and have read each comment over many times.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Marco123 said:


> My initial post seemed rushed. I am open to the possibility of 2, I'm just not ready for a second right now. Our first was planned and it took us 5 months after my wife was off the pill to get pregnant. Since then my wife didn't want to take birth control pills due to the hormones and affect on her body, which I totally respected. She had also tried an IUD 5 years or so ago, and it reacted badly with her body so she had it removed. So that leaves the birth control up to me, it's either a condom for temporary birth control or a snip for a longer term solution. I didn't get snipped as I know it's my body, but it's still our family and I know I shouldn't have the final say. So that's my reason for not getting a vasectomy. I know one slip doesn't mean she's pregnant, but when you can take a pill afterwards to ensure that we're safe...why wouldn't you take it?
> 
> Either way she did take the pill last night, I think there is going to be some resentment for quite some time. Just something I/we will have to work on. I do appreciate all the input and have read each comment over many times.


I posted and suggested that you both do some serious talking and listening about this with out trying to sway the other. It is important to still do this to prevent those resentments she feels from poisoning your marriage. I'm going to take your post above and show you how reflective listening works in order to draw out deeper understanding. I urge you to do this because you may think the matter is solved, but I promise you it is not. It is actively festering.

"I am open to the possibility of 2, I'm just not ready for a second right now."

So you are open to a second child but not now? 

-this is where you would go further in your explanation. What's going on now that makes you feel not ready? What might make you feel ready?

-this is where you dig deep and be honest about your fears and concerns.

Lastly, I wanted to say that of my 3 children 0 were planned. The first and third were genuine shocks! Three months after we go married was not ideal and very shocking. Ten years after our second was born and had no plans to have more...the third was conceived. The middle was a child we had planned for, but not yet. Life is a series of unplanned events, unplanned doesn't mean it can't be good.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'll probably get blasted by these comments, but I think you're an extremely selfish person. Why would you only want 1 child? Most likely you and the wife could easily handle a 2nd child if you would be open to it, plus it would be incredibly rewarding for you plus give your girl someone else to interact with. An only child is easy to spoil, and chances are your kid is spoiled rotten.


Why is it selfish to have only one child, or no child at all? It is personal decision, and there is no being right or wrong on this. 

Maybe it would be best to avoid moral judgements like this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'll probably get blasted by these comments, but I think you're an extremely selfish person. Why would you only want 1 child?
> 
> An only child is easy to spoil, and chances are your kid is spoiled rotten.


Why is it selfish to want only one child? Or no child? Can't believe just want what they want? Why must we fit in little white picket fence boxes? 

OP-I feel for you. That sucks being that you are both totally on the different side of things.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> Why is it selfish to have only one child, or no child at all? It is personal decision, and there is no being right or wrong on this.
> 
> Maybe it would be best to avoid moral judgements like this.


:rofl: I literally just typed the same thing before I even read your comment. Great minds and all. :smthumbup:


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## Marco123 (May 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I posted and suggested that you both do some serious talking and listening about this with out trying to sway the other. It is important to still do this to prevent those resentments she feels from poisoning your marriage. I'm going to take your post above and show you how reflective listening works in order to draw out deeper understanding. I urge you to do this because you may think the matter is solved, but I promise you it is not. It is actively festering.
> 
> "I am open to the possibility of 2, I'm just not ready for a second right now."
> 
> ...


Thank you. I will talk with my wife about this, last night was heated and we do need to talk about this further. I do appreciate the feedback.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, I don't really get why your wife is so focused on the morning after pill as a trigger about the attack she endured.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but it really sounds like it is a tactic to pressure you about getting pregnant.

Not tolerating an IUD or birth control pills too?

Hmm, the three best birth control methods outside of tying her tubes or you getting a vasectomy--off the table?

Condom slipping off too?

Time to start thinking of baby names.


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## Marco123 (May 28, 2013)

michzz said:


> OK, I don't really get why your wife is so focused on the morning after pill as a trigger about the attack she endured.
> 
> I'm not trying to be insensitive, but it really sounds like it is a tactic to pressure you about getting pregnant.
> 
> ...


The morning after pill either reminded her of the attack and is considered an abortion to her, I just see it as a last resort to taking one day birth control after a condom slips off.

She can't tolerate an IUD, she had extreme pain and cramping so definitely can't go that route. Would never want her to go through that again. She didn't like the hormones from the birth control pills...

So it leaves it all up to me for birth control methods. Either it's a condom or getting snipped. I'd get snipped in a heartbeat if I was 100% sure and my wife was also 100% sure we didn't want any more kids. That's why I haven't done it yet, so that leaves it up to a condom and it slipped. First time in probably 10 years, so we never really had a talk about "what would happen next if a condom slipped off" talk...

She took the Plan B pill within 24hrs, so we should be okay.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Get a vasectomy asap so this won't be an issue again


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Marco - although getting the snip is fairly permanent it can be reversed.

Perhaps consider having some of your sperm frozen before getting snipped? Atleast then should you both decide in, say, three years time that you are ALL ready for another child then defrost some!

However this is all fairly drastic stuff! We men have very few options when it comes to birth control....the condom being the best. But who likes having a shower with their clothes on?!

Has your wife considered the contraceptive injection?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Marco123 said:


> The morning after pill either reminded her of the attack and is considered an abortion to her, I just see it as a last resort to taking one day birth control after a condom slips off.
> 
> She has every right to feel that way, just as you have a right to feel differently.
> 
> ...


I had to take the morning after pill about a month ago and I had a lot of mixed emotions about it. I didn't want to take it and my husband wanted me to, but I know logically looking at things that it would be better if we did since financially speaking we are not ready to have a second child. I was very emotional for a few weeks since taking the pill, but I am happy that my husband was very understanding. We had a lot of discussions about the morning after pill and our future family. We know we want to try for a 2nd baby in several months, so long as finances are ok. 

I would have a long discussion with your wife about having a second child, looking at the pros and cons of each side. Really listen to her and let her know she is understood about the topic. Before you married, you both agreed to more than one child, so she has every right to be upset that you now don't want more than one. Make sure to have that discussion and do it at a time when both of you are more relaxed.


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## Marco123 (May 28, 2013)

Well just an update since there are a few replies since my last post.

We haven't had sex since that day, she's not physically close with me (which has been off and on for a lot of our relationship) and she's been quite jaded. I have always had to initiate sex, the only time I can think of was once about 5-6 years ago...which was an absolute surprise. Flower pedals on the floor, lingerie and the whole deal after I got home from work. And other than that it was when we were trying to have our first born, she initiated almost every day for about a week. And the odd "quickie", probably can count them all on one hand over the last 9 years. It seems when sex doesn't have an end goal for her, it's up to me to initiate and 9 times out of 10 I get turned down anyways.

I've read the Married Man Sex Primer about a year ago and tried to stop being so "beta", things did seem to improve a bit and then it went back to the same old same old. Maybe partly because I didn't feel it was working with her and partly because she doesn't see sex as important in our relationship. When I talk to her about it, she'll just say "It's always about the sex with you" (insert roll eyes here). Usually we will have sex once a week, or every two weeks and none during the time of the month. It has been over a month now since the accident. And since then my wife has deferred decision making on me for a lot of stuff. She's very indecisive already and lately she has just said "well what do you want?", "you decide". And I don't want that at all...I want us to make the decisions together but she seems to pull away when she has to make a decision. And then when I am forced to make the decision, down the road that's used against me as I'm always calling the shots or I'm always in control. If it's not my wife's decision that she has a hard time coming to...then I'm being controlling is what it feels like. When there always is give and take, and there are many times I agree with my wife on things and I don't make a big scene about it saying "well I just agreed to what you wanted". I don't need to do that and don't want to do that, I just want us to discuss things and be decided on what is best for our family. Not strictly for each other.

I think my wife has anger issues and she's starting to realize it a bit when she had a talk with her mom about it and she said "but honey you've always been like this". And to be honest I never really did see her being an angry person until after our first born. The lack of sleep and post partum depression just pushed her into being this person and it just has seemed to stuck.

She has said that she feels she wasn't a good mother when she had post partum and that's one reason why she wants another child is to enjoy the experience the 2nd time. Which to me just scares me because it feels like doing the same thing and expect to get a different result. Yes our 2nd child could be easier to raise, but at the same time my wife loves to travel, do things, shop...etc. So to realistically maintain that lifestyle we couldn't do it with two kids, and she could say "well we can travel less, etc..." but that'll be to have our 2nd and then she has what she wants and it'll be "why don't we travel more?".

intheory, shortly after the incident I didn't want to have sex for the fear of deliberate perforating or inverting. I am always the one to take the condom off and put it in the toilet...but that doesn't prevent puncturing or god forbid taking it out of the toilet before it's flushed.

I would never have a vasectomy without my wife's consent, I understand that it's my body but when I solely make the decision on my family's outcome I know that is not fair to my wife. We have talked about all the birth control options, even a vasectomy and freezing sperm. She went off on that one! We concluded a few weeks ago that she would go on birth control pills...and nothing has been done since. I just feel as if any task that requires effort for our family, requires me to do it. I guess I just feel used sometimes. Damn that is starting to sound bitter, but I'm being brutally honest with you guys. And am open to your comments whether they "rah rah" with me or seem like hate towards me. I know I'm not perfect and what I am posting is biased, but all of your insight I do consider.

I think deep down I am just scared to have a 2nd child with all the expectations already on me. I am the breadwinner, I do all the finances and have made sure to set our family up right and to be as safe as possible. With how hard the 1st was (colic for the first year and a half), with my wife having post partum...just makes it hard to want a 2nd. And at the time my wife was in agreement. I love my little girl right now though, but it took some sacrifices to get there and I just fear that a 2nd could put some deeper wounds in our marriage.

I honestly do appreciate all the feedback and just typing this out does help.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I think you're an extremely selfish person. Why would you only want 1 child?


Yeah right everyone knows that anyone who has only one child is extremely selfish.

Where does this rubbish even come from?


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

Hmm, this one is kind of messy. Well since she's already taken the morning after pill there's not much to say about that. It's not selfish to want or not want another baby. That is a very big thing. What I think she needs to understand is that if she had postpartum depression once, she will more than likely have it again. That will cause guilty feelings for her once again. Overall it sounds like a bad idea for you both.

With all that said, I think she has the right to be upset right now. Even if having a baby is unhealthy for her, she still wanted one. She might be grieving, maybe she thinks of it like having an abortion. If she thinks of it like that she probably also feels like you "made" her do it. A sad person can think like this. Not saying this is the case, but it's a possibility. Also, her having this association with rape is making it worse, and unfortunately might make you seem insensitive. Considering all the things that are going on with her, I would say stop focusing on the frequency of your sex life for a moment and get her some therapy and anti-depressants.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I think she is grieving the loss of the child that could have been. She probably views it similar to a miscarriage or abortion, which is very tough to go through, and many men do not have those same views. If she had post-partum depression before, it does make it more likely she will have it again, but there are better ways for her to deal with that a second time around. There are many support groups available at different hospitals and certain medications are safe for breastfeeding mothers. If you both choose to have a second child, then you can talk about those options to best support her.

In the meantime, I think you need to help her move forward. Keep the communication open, asking open ended questions about how she feels and what she wants for the future. I would also recommend that she go to individual counseling to help her overcome the pain of her past(rape and other issues).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Marco123 said:


> I know one slip doesn't mean she's pregnant, but when you can take a pill afterwards to ensure that we're safe...*why wouldn't you take it?*


Many women won't take this pill based on moral or religious reasons.

The "morning after" pill does not necessarily prevent CONCEPTION; rather it prevents IMPLANTATION of a fertilized egg. So she could theoretically conceive but then the embryo would not implant.

Personally, I wouldn't want to take it knowing I might have conceived a child yet snuffed it out before it even had a fighting chance to grow.

I'm not trying to start a debate about when life begins... just answering your question as to why some women don't want to take it. It's not as "black and white" as you make it out to be.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Told you to be more fvcking sensitive dude!

I guess I don't really give a shyt about your feelings right now since you didn't really give a shyt about your wife, her emotional state and the damage you were inflicting by having her take the pill!

I am not even talking about the one or two child issue.

I am concerned about your wife and her emotional well being.

You pressured her into doing something she found reprehensible and a trigger from a very traumatic time in her life.

How the hell do you think you appear to her right now?

Are you that dense and insensitive? 

You just did major damage to your relationship. She is disconnecting from you right now.

If you don't do something to convince her that she can trust you again, your marriage is probably done.

Get a good MC and also learn to be more sensitive and less selfish. I am talking strictly about your emotional selfishness and insensitivity, the child issue is between you two alone.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Marco123 said:


> I joined this forum after finding it by googling the words "my wife is always mad at me".
> 
> My wife and I are both in our early 30's. My wife is a stay at home mom to our beautiful 19 month old daughter and I work full time as well as running a small business on the side to eventually become full time employment. This goal will be to make more money for our family to enjoy more things we want to do, save for the future and also allow me to take control of when we want days off or to do things. My wife has a few businesses she is trying to run from home, mostly a hobby and it keeps her busy. She is the type of person that has to always be busy.
> 
> ...





Marco123 said:


> I think I am just very Beta and that's why wife doesn't find me very sexually attractive, as I'm almost no Alpha.*..just busy working to provide security for my family. *So I am at fault for some of this as well, I'd honestly hope that most of the problems are with me as I could directly fix them as opposed to trying to change my wife to fix something. I love my wife and I will grow old with her. I do appreciate all the info and welcome any other suggestions as well.
> 
> I really like the surprise date idea and going through responsibilities. Somethings that just gets lost with the day to day shuffle, *days just aren't long enough...and that's one reason why I only want one child. :rofl:
> *
> As for depression if we figure things aren't improving and maybe it is an imbalance I will suggest her to have a doctor do a check up. The one reason she didn't take any medication and only group therapy is because she was breast feeding, in her mind she was self-sacrificing herself for our little girl. She also didn't take any medication (Tylenol etc...) or anything that was remotely medicinal while she was pregnant, she did it all for our girl. She has a great deal of respect from me for that and I don't think I showed it enough, but she's one to sacrifice herself for our little one or others...but sometime she forgets that her sacrifices affect me as the husband of the relationship as well. I try to keep that in mind with my work, I only try to do things that benefit my family or have potential to benefit my family.


Marco,

The above is from your other thread of May 2013. So you have been dealing with all this for a while now.

Did your wife ever get her driver's license? So she can get out more and take care of errands during the day, so you have less pressure at night?

The dynamic of her being angry; this hasn't changed, right. But now she is also indecisive. Angry and indecisive. That's confusing behavior.

So you still are quite sexless and you are working two jobs. And she is angry at you and won't help make decisions. If you take charge you are controlling.

Do you still run the errands at night. Is the house still dirty and dinner uncooked when you get home.

So; the house is dirty, the bills aren't done, there isn't any dinner, your wife is angry, you are sexless, you are responsible for bringing in all the money and making all the decisions.

And your wife wants to bring a second kid into all this.

NO way.

Please get marital counseling. I guess you'll be accused of being controlling. But just do it anyway. You have to do _something_.

I feel a lot of sympathy for you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I agree with intheory about the other marital issues. My post was only in direct regards to the morning after pill and your wife's revulsion to it.


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