# Not sex less but feels one sided



## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Okay here goes one more boring sex life story...
I am 61, wife 57, Married for 35 years.
I am healthy and not overweight, no physical problems.
My sex drive is probably 7 or 8.
Hers 2-3.
She stays fit, does exercise every morning before going to work.
Walks a lot. She is very healthy as well.
She is a very pretty and attractive woman.
She has a full time job, does cooking, most cleaning and exercise so not much action during the weekdays.
On the weekends we have sex 2 or 3 times a month.
We have a grown up son living with us which does not help situation either.
When we are on a vacation (just 2 of us), it can be multiple times a week.
It's not the frequency of sex but the style.
She never initiates it.
She is mostly submissive and 95% time its missionary.
Like other posters I would like it to be two way and something different once in a while.
She also rarely has climax.
When I talked to her answer, you're too much into sex (She is more religious centered).
BTW: It's been like this from day 1. So it's not she is trying to punish me, she always had very little interest in sex.
So questions....
How do I change the dynamics a little and make her enjoy more and make it a joint adventure.
She is a willing partner just not initiator or enjoy as much as I do.
I think she might be open to ideas in a the right setting.

Testosterone treatment over the counter etc. can help but she prefers very little medicine.
I have ordered a vibrator so we will see how that goes if she agrees to try.
Anything in my approach?

Additional notes:
Early part of marriage was rocky that may have something to do with it?
I lover her very much, this is not do this or else situation.
Is she getting it elsewhere?
Not likely based on her religious thinking but I would not be the first fool to believe it.
She does go to stores/grocery several times a week after work max 2 hours (I think because she always liked shopping and she has no other fun activity during the week or weekend.).
Phone and computer access are open and I have never seen strange calls/messages.

Looking forward to constructive advise...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So what do you do for fun, outside the marriage? We hear a lot about her her her. She’s got a full schedule, that’s for sure!

What are your hobbies, interests, obligations etc?

And what was the rocky part.

It sounds like you really love her, and that she was always like this.

You can’t force someone, they can tell you they’re low drive, tired, busy, whatever. How does she behave around other men, was there ever another man that made her giddy and giggly, despite her failthfullness?

In situations like this, I tend to recommend just backing right off, for a start. Don’t talk about it, don’t initiate it. That then passes the questions and the problem back to the non-giver. They usually should be curious, so you see, suddenly they will notice the lack of sex and start communicating, where previously, it was you. This is not a nasty game, or an act of manipulation, it simply creates a different situation for a spouse to feel safe and comfortable to ask questions, or say something they usually felt they couldn’t say, because they might have felt pressured. When she does speak, don’t revert back to any previous demands, simply agree, so that you get another opener.

W: hey what’s going on, you’re not wanting sex anymore?
H: Yes honey, you’re right, I’m not. How was work today?

And she should further open up from there, and maybe things will change. Keep your questions away from sex, but do acknowledge and agree with her concerns. Be affectionate, maybe when being evasive, a kiss in the forehead so she’s got more chance to direct the conversation to sex herself, and she may surprise you.

If she doesn’t, that’s when you speak to a professional about your situation and see what they advise.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if she is "submissive", then that means you can be "Dominant", and introduce her to new kinky sexual things.
Is there some reason you have not been directing her sexual experiences as a Dom?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why is she doing most of the cooking and cleaning if she's also working full time?

Why aren't you doing your part? If you're having sex on vacation that's telling.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You want to change the dynamics after 35 years? I think you left it a bit too late...


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Thank you all for responses...
About me: Love to travel (so does she), photography, DIY home projects, car repairs etc.
Rocky part: Family interferences and I cut off relation with her family for the first several years.. It's all been smoothed since.
Other men: No she has never shown interest. It is possible I missed clues.
Back off sex: We did discuss that yesterday. She didn't want to do it and I said "you would prefer if we never have sex" and the answer was "yes that would be great". After she calmed down we did have sex.
I am the one always hugging her, kissing her and she responds. I do compliment her on looks etc.
Submissive: May be I used the wrong word here. It's not like she would let me force her anything. She has a strong will.
During sex she makes very little moves, she would touch me and hold on to me but that's it.
DOM is not my thing, never tried. 
Kitchen: I don't know how to cook well, only few small things. Also it's her domain and I do help with minor cooking tasks and cleanup etc. But I can see being tired 7 days a week does not give a sex drive. Though even on vacation behavior is same and that's my question...


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> You want to change the dynamics after 35 years? I think you left it a bit too late...


Yes I understand not forcing the issue earlier but I was getting sex and lot more other things going in life, raising kids etc.
As we get into retirement, If I can get her little more interested we can have more fun during travels etc.
I am hoping her to enjoy sex more, quite possible my inexperience in this department. 
We both never had any other partners.
In her mind sex is nuisance and gross. (Gross is the exact word she used).


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

She sounds almost exactly like my wife.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> We both never had any other partners.
> In her mind sex is nuisance and gross. (Gross is the exact word she used).


Do you suspect your skills re pleasing a woman are lacking due to your inexperience?

Is her feeling this way about sex due to her religious or cultural upbringing, or any past trauma?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> Yes I understand not forcing the issue earlier but I was getting sex and lot more other things going in life, raising kids etc.
> As we get into retirement, If I can get her little more interested we can have more fun during travels etc.
> I am hoping her to enjoy sex more, quite possible my inexperience in this department.
> We both never had any other partners.
> In her mind sex is nuisance and gross. (Gross is the exact word she used).


ok, you said it was like this from day 1. Also, if she thinks sex is gross, you are fighting a losing battle.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Why do you have an adult son living at home? That will definitely put a damper on things and is an obvious place to start. Is this a temporary situation?

If she is mostly submissive and it is 95% missionary, then that is on you. You need to take charge during sex. I'm not talking about being an uncaring brute, but if you want a different position you make it happen in the heat of the moment. 

Does she really never orgasm and do you understand why she doesn't orgasm? This won't fix everything, but it can't hurt. It doesn't have to be the every time, some women just can't every time, but it should be happening at last most of the time. 

You probably won't ever get her to start initiating, but you may find a way to get her to respond more positively. Also, religious doesn't have to mean lack of sex. Quite the opposite really. Sexual relations between husband and wife are strongly encouraged in the Bible. Some would say God made us to be sexual beings. Why does she believe being religious and being sexual are in opposition to one another?

Here is some good reading that may help. This is from a Christian marriage and sex site, so maybe it will appeal to that part of her.









Is sex a need or want in marriage? - Uncovering Intimacy


Is sex a need or a want in a marriage? Is this a conflict you have regularly? How do you resolve it? What does the Bible say? What was God's plan?




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












SWM 046 - Responsive desire is a blessing - Uncovering Intimacy


Responsive desire isn't an abnormality, disability or curse. It's a blessing. Once you learn to work with it, it can actually lead to an amazing sex life.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












SWM 047 - Spontaneous desire is a blessing - Uncovering Intimacy


Feel like having a high sex drive is a burden? Wonder why God made you this way? Here are some reasons I think having spontaneous desire is a blessing.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












The one thing that will make you better in bed - Uncovering Intimacy


Looking for the ultimate tip to improve your game in the bedroom? There is one thing that will tip the scales on whether or not you are a good lover.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I can see why a grown son living at home can be an issue. When my son and his family visit, they stay in our home and sex is not on the table while they are here. Why is your grown son still living at home instead of being out on his own?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> She didn't want to do it and I said "you would prefer if we never have sex" and the *answer was "yes that would be great*". After she calmed down we did have sex.


This is really bad! Doesn't seem there is much to work with here. After 35 years, making any changes is going to be extremely tough, especially with her attitude. You mentioned vibrators and stuff like that. Wasting your time


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Personal question but does she masturbate? That is a really good guage to see if she's uninterested in sex at all or just sex with you.

Could she be cheating?

Try reading Sex God Method.

Also, work on yourself. Be a leader and be as attractive as possible.

You could also try getting some competition anxiety. Next time you go it together start flirting with the waitress or another woman there.

For some reason waitresses always flirt with me and sort of ignore my wife which ticks her off a little bit but at the same time it makes her really horny. It has resulted in much car sex and road head. If women see other women interested in their man they have a primordial urge to mark their territory.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

You stated that she rarely climaxes. I honestly would get bored with something that doesn't give me orgasms often.

I think you should work on her to make sure she orgasms. Get her a motorbunny machine 😀


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> You stated that she rarely climaxes. I honestly would get bored with something that doesn't give me orgasms often.


Your woman should orgasm EVERY TIME you guys have sex. Otherwise what's the point? 

Imagine this scenario. Your wife gets on top and rides you until she orgasms. You haven't orgasmed yet. She gets off you and goes to sleep. How are you feeling right now? If your wife always did that to you would you still be interested in sex with her?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> Your woman should orgasm EVERY TIME you guys have sex. Otherwise what's the point?
> 
> Imagine this scenario. Your wife gets on top and rides you until she orgasms. You haven't orgasmed yet. She gets off you and goes to sleep. How are you feeling right now? If your wife always did that to you would you still be interested in sex with her?


Not all women orgasm every time they have sex. There are times when my wife doesn't orgasm and she is fine with it. Sometimes we don't have the time to get her there, but she still wants it and wants to get me off. That said, you should always make sure she is satisfied and orgasms definitely do need to be part of the whole equation, just don't get hung up on every time you have sex you have to have an orgasm. I don't have one every single time either. 

To your point though, orgasm should be happening on a regular basis. It may require something other than PIV sex.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not all women orgasm every time they have sex.


I did not mean she will always orgasm through penetration. I mean every time you have sex w/ your woman you need to make sure she orgasms one way or another, or at least every time she wants an orgasm.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> This is really bad! Doesn't seem there is much to work with here. After 35 years, making any changes is going to be extremely tough, especially with her attitude. You mentioned vibrators and stuff like that. Wasting your time


This times a million. She said it outright, she truly never wants to have sex with you again. 

She knows you aren't going anywhere, so it's very unlikely anything is going to change.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she thinks sex is gross (and there are many women who do) she’s not likely to change her mind at this late point. What she said is how she really feels.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> She is mostly submissive and 95% time its missionary.


This is one of the things that you need to understand what it actually means. Women/men that by nature are not inclined to initiate are reactive, once you get them going they'll go. Asking someone like your wife to be what she's not is counterproductive because it may lead to tensions, anxieties, and resentments, plus they'll react in an unnatural way in order to please or compromise. You being naturally the initiator needs to learn (if you didn't when much younger) the advantages that that confers, e.g., observation and learning by trial and error of when and what to do in order to initiate towards sex.

It is my experience that sex for women starts way,way earlier than the moment of the sex act. The day (s), week, that leads to sex; what have you as a man/partner has done to emotionally engage her; the things that you have done towards her and her love language, the intimate moments that you have approach her with no sex intentions. The things that you have done to lighten her load of daily things as a gesture of your concern and love for her; not because you want to get her in the sack (women intuitively know when you are doing these thing as banter for sex). All these things are to me what I have learned to do without seeking sexual gratification that will lead to your wife be way more receptive to sex and being more adventurous with you without having to resort to gimmicks in order to make her get aroused.

Then, of course, there're the women/men that have hormonal, psychological, mental problems that affects their libido and how they respond to it. That's a different scenario that needs to be approached on an individual basis,most likely with professional help.

Also, understand that as you age, specially when passed middle age, it's unrealistic to think that you're going to increase sexual desire, quite the contrary it will only go down in frequency as time passes. So think what's realistically possible here.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> It is my experience that sex for women starts way,way earlier than the moment of the sex act. The day (s), week, that leads to sex; what have you as a man/partner has done to emotionally engage her; the things that you have done towards her and her love language, the intimate moments that you have approach her with no sex intentions. The things that you have done to lighten her load of daily things as a gesture of your concern and love for her; not because you want to get her in the sack (women intuitively know when you are doing these thing as banter for sex). All these things are to me what I have learned to do without seeking sexual gratification that will lead to your wife be way more receptive to sex and being more adventurous with you without having to resort to gimmicks in order to make her get aroused.


All the clapping right here. My sex life is in the gutter, I'm 34. Just 34. It's not that I don't have the want to, but I have ZERO desire to with my husband who has treated me so poorly for far too long. The emotional damage he's caused I'm not sure can be repaired. I'm a mere vessel for his physical satisfaction. I would totally initiate something to make him feel wanted if that were something I could, but I just can't emotionally connect to that any more and that's something that may be going on with your wife you're completely clueless of. 

Coming up behind me to grope me is not intimate and that's as far as it goes, groping, that means he wants sex. And I better just do it or I'll never hear the end of it. 

Not that you are this way at all with you're wife, but as the above poster mentioned, it's the lead up to the act. Even the smallest gesture before hand goes a LONG @ss way. At least for me it would.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I'm 34. Just 34. It's not that I don't have the want to, but I have ZERO desire to with my husband who has treated me so poorly for far too long. T


Sorry to hear about your predicament. In your case I can understand why you have zero desire towards him, and nothing coming from his end will do (my post was about good marriages were the spouses love each other but there's a sexual disconnect). Having say that, if you're only 34 and that's the sad state of your marriage, why" I mean why are you still in this relationship? are you trapped economically? What's keeping you attached to a much older dude that as he gets older it'll be worse. You only have one life to live, don't waste it. Don't stay and then be forced to do in another 15 to 20 years what you can do now. Right now you're young enough to be much more successful in starting all over. Right now you are much more marketable than in 15 to 20 years from now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If your 61 and have been married 35 years and having sex several times a month - you’re probably at least in the 95th percentile for marital sex. 

If you’re wanting someone that turbo charged for sex all the time and will be hitting on you and tossing you around in the sack, you’ll probably need to turn gay and get with dudes because that is describing how men operate sexually. 

A 57 year old woman that has been with the same guy for 35 years and is still DTF AT ALL, is a fine catch. 

If you want to be with the same person a long time in a monogamous relationship, vyiure gonna have to tolerate a little downturn in the passion and fireworks.

Otherwise your other options are to get with new chicks that are also in stale marriages or have been celibate a long time.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> W: hey what’s going on, you’re not wanting sex anymore?



OP said it's not anymore, it's ALWAYS been this way, for decades and decades. Here is what OP said regarding this:



HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> BTW: It's been like this from day 1. So it's not she is trying to punish me, she always had very little interest in sex.


He's wanting her to change into something she isn't. She's always been this way and sadly, for OP, after decades and decades, I don't see her changing. Maybe a few years into their marriage there was hope to change things.

Sorry to throw cold water on this but she's always been this way and she's about to hit her 60's. The odds of her changing now aren't exactly good.


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Quad73 said:


> Do you suspect your skills re pleasing a woman are lacking due to your inexperience?
> 
> Is her feeling this way about sex due to her religious or cultural upbringing, or any past trauma?


Yes I stated this in earlier reply that me being only with her and taking what I get 
May have led to not experimenting new things.

Lots of you wrote, thank you.
I will go through and try to reply later.

Some quick thoughts...

It's not that she is not willing, so may be I need to learn different positions and try when she is agreeable.
For example last night we were missionary and I wanted to raise her leg and I proceeded to grab the leg under me!
She stopped me and goes no push other leg.

That was 20 minutes after somewhat heated discussion when she didn't want to do anything.
Some of you are right. I need to learn and lead her.
I am not trying to change her. I know that much. She is strong willed.
I am hoping if she finds sex enjoyable she may be more willing.

Let's not hijack this thread with son situation. It is what it is.
It only interferes with frequency so not a big issue at the moment.

Like I said earlier, I just want her to enjoy sex little more than what it's now.
I completely agree with poster about setting the right tone hours/days before.
That explains vacations are better when we two are alone and more relaxed.

Don't get me wrong, I am lucky to have her.
I just want her to feel lucky in that department as well


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> OP said it's not anymore, it's ALWAYS been this way, for decades and decades. Here is what OP said regarding this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I’m talking about him stopping and changing, which may then prompt her to ask questions, the W: meaning wife. So the husband stops initiating and talking about it, which should hopefully prompt her to notice his change and start asking about it. This will give him a clearer idea. And something really concrete to work with, if the roles are reversed and the questions and talking are put back to her. She may even come out and say something like ‘I’m glad you finally left me alone!’ Which for him will give him 100% clarity on her stance. Because she’s opening up, and then he can finally make a choice for himself. This will hopefully bring out a conversation where she’s finally coming out and telling her truth, without his prompting. And then he truly knows whether she even cares to have sex ever again or not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> Okay here goes one more boring sex life story...
> I am 61, wife 57, Married for 35 years.
> I am healthy and not overweight, no physical problems.
> My sex drive is probably 7 or 8.
> ...


Women just don't prioritize sex as much as men do in general and of course there are always exceptions as you will see on this forum. Gymnastics are not really appealing to older women or even a lot of younger ones.

I would say tread carefully because if you do pressure her into doing things she doesn't enjoy or how she doesn't enjoy it, what usually happens is overtime she will simply avoid sex part of the time to avoid doing things she doesn't enjoy.

Don't expect someone to start initiating who never was an initiator. For one it's just not in her nature to do that. For another, it's likely that you're initiating more sex than she really cares about already so why should she want to initiate more?


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> All the clapping right here. My sex life is in the gutter, I'm 34. Just 34. It's not that I don't have the want to, but I have ZERO desire to with my husband who has treated me so poorly for far too long. The emotional damage he's caused I'm not sure can be repaired. I'm a mere vessel for his physical satisfaction. I would totally initiate something to make him feel wanted if that were something I could, but I just can't emotionally connect to that any more and that's something that may be going on with your wife you're completely clueless of.
> 
> Coming up behind me to grope me is not intimate and that's as far as it goes, groping, that means he wants sex. And I better just do it or I'll never hear the end of it.
> 
> Not that you are this way at all with you're wife, but as the above poster mentioned, it's the lead up to the act. Even the smallest gesture before hand goes a LONG @ss way. At least for me it would.


Completely agree, we men and women have to be desirable but also likable (to be able to connect emotionally).
If someone is treating you badly (jerk or arrogant or abusive) why one wants to please that person?

We had our share of problems but for past 20 years I have made solid efforts to rectify her concerns.
We are both committed fully to marriage and family, priority number 1.
Otherwise I have a very little grounds to expect affection from her.

Sorry about your situation, hope it gets better.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> All the clapping right here. My sex life is in the gutter, I'm 34. Just 34. It's not that I don't have the want to, but I have ZERO desire to with my husband who has treated me so poorly for far too long. The emotional damage he's caused I'm not sure can be repaired. I'm a mere vessel for his physical satisfaction. I would totally initiate something to make him feel wanted if that were something I could, but I just can't emotionally connect to that any more and that's something that may be going on with your wife you're completely clueless of.
> 
> Coming up behind me to grope me is not intimate and that's as far as it goes, groping, that means he wants sex. And I better just do it or I'll never hear the end of it.
> 
> Not that you are this way at all with you're wife, but as the above poster mentioned, it's the lead up to the act. Even the smallest gesture before hand goes a LONG @ss way. At least for me it would.


I'm sorry you're going through that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> I am 61, wife 57, Married for 35 years.


I am sorry to say this, but the time to have worked this was decades ago. Imagine if your wife had something you had ingrained in yourself that SHE wanted to change? How would you feel if she was wanting to make you change your mojo after all of this time?

Do you think she is getting frustrated with you badgering her? If her libido has dropped with menopause and age, she doing you more than 2-3 times a month is likely a bridge too far. 



HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> How do I change the dynamics a little and make her enjoy more and make it a joint adventure.
> *She is the one who has to enjoy. You can't MAKE her enjoy an "adventure".*
> 
> She is a willing partner just not initiator or enjoy as much as I do.
> ...


She obviously knows you aren't happy with the status quo, which just makes sex with you less fun for her that it might otherwise be. When something a person isn't keen on in the first place stops being fun, they want to do less of it not more of it.

One thing you mentioned was when you aren't home with your live-in son you have a more robust relationship. Have you thought about helping him move out into an apartment of his own? That might be an inexpensive way of improving your intimacy.


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Personal question but does she masturbate? That is a really good guage to see if she's uninterested in sex at all or just sex with you.
> 
> Could she be cheating?
> 
> ...


As far as I know she is not masturbating.
Even when I offer her it's accepted reluctantly.
I will have to read that book.
I might get in trouble for flirting 

Cheating - I doubt it. I have not seen her flirt with others. She has very little extra time.
Anything is possible but I would say no.


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I am sorry to say this, but the time to have worked this was decades ago. Imagine if your wife had something you had ingrained in yourself that SHE wanted to change? How would you feel if she was wanting to make you change your mojo after all of this time?
> 
> Do you think she is getting frustrated with you badgering her? If her libido has dropped with menopause and age, she doing you more than 2-3 times a month is likely a bridge too far.
> 
> ...


For now son stays, he's going through mental issues.
Besides in few months we plan to retire and take more trips.


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If she thinks sex is gross (and there are many women who do)Yes she’s not likely to change her mind at this late point. What she said is how she really feels.


Yes those were her exact words.
But she does engage in the act, just not enthusiastically.


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> If your 61 and have been married 35 years and having sex several times a month - you’re probably at least in the 95th percentile for marital sex.
> 
> If you’re wanting someone that turbo charged for sex all the time and will be hitting on you and tossing you around in the sack, you’ll probably need to turn gay and get with dudes because that is describing how men operate sexually.
> 
> ...


Fair enough about age. 
I do have to keep in mind her sex drive might be going down hill naturally.
However she keeps her body physically fit and very healthy naturally (no chemicals, exercise at home etc.).

I am not expecting turbo charged like 20 year old but little more interest in sex would be nice for both of us!

She is indeed a fine catch and I am trying to find ways, change myself to make her happy if it's possible.
Clearly she doesn't think she is missing out on much!
Otherwise she is fine as is...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> Fair enough about age.
> I do have to keep in mind her sex drive might be going down hill naturally.
> However she keeps her body physically fit and very healthy naturally (no chemicals, exercise at home etc.).
> 
> ...


There’s an old saying that women cannot go backwards in terms of lifestyle status and finances etc, and men cannot go backwards sexually. 

The problem is a 57 year old woman that has been married to the same man can never be the 25 year old she was in a new relationship.

I’m about to turn 58 and have been married for 26 years and am in much the same situation. 

I miss the good ol’ days. 

But today is never like yesterday. 

If you want to have high-octane, porn sex like you used to many years ago, it needs to be with another person.

If you want your wife to be a new woman and be a hot and horny sex kitten like she was back in the early days - she will also need to be with a different man in a new relationship. 

If you want to maintain your marriage and remain together monogamously, I’d say you are already doing what you need to do as in staying fit and healthy, communication and trying to maintain a somewhat regular sex life.

There is no magic bullet against time. That applies to both age of our bodies and the age of our marriage. 

Some recommend HRT, testosterone etc and those can have a pretty powerful effect on libido.

However that is only one piece of the puzzle. she may get a boost in her sex drive. But there are no guarantees that her sex drive and desire will be FOR YOU.

She could just as easily be horny for some dude at the gym or down the street instead.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m sorry, I didn’t read all of the posts and I must have had you confused with another poster in a different situation. 

In reading some of your other posts, I think this is a bigger hurdle than I was initially thinking. 

If she has always been this way and always lackluster and ho hum sexual dynamic, there’s no reason to think that some parlor tricks and magic pixie dust is going to get you to having wild monkey sex. 

You have a few basic options here -

- live with it and be grateful you’re having sex at all.

- see if you can get a girlfriend, escort or sugar baby on the side.

- Divorce and see if you can find someone else. 

Each of those options will have their own pros and cons.


----------



## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I am sorry to say this, but the time to have worked this was decades ago. Imagine if your wife had something you had ingrained in yourself that SHE wanted to change? How would you feel if she was wanting to make you change your mojo after all of this time?
> 
> Do you think she is getting frustrated with you badgering her? If her libido has dropped with menopause and age, she doing you more than 2-3 times a month is likely a bridge too far.
> 
> ...


I actually don't badger her. 
I have not actually discussed in detail differences in sex drive.
When we did discuss answer was I don't really want it.
I will have to explain that it's important to me and she might be missing out on fun and see how it goes.
Normally I just have to find suitable time and majority of time she will go along with it.

Regarding various comments about showing affection.
I don't do that just before sex. I do really like her and she does respond back positively.
But it's always me showing physical affection.
I suppose her ways are different by providing everything for family and taking care of my needs too...


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I’m sorry, I didn’t read all of the posts and I must have had you confused with another poster in a different situation.
> 
> In reading some of your other posts, I think this is a bigger hurdle than I was initially thinking.
> 
> ...


I am here so I don't have to do option 1.
Other 2 are out of question... She is too good to deserve either 2 or 3.

But thanks for the ideas.

Honestly you all have been good at suggesting things that I never did or knew/considered.
Lot more to learn and try and hope for the best


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> Yes those were her exact words.
> But she does engage in the act, just not enthusiastically.


She likely feels she’s doing all she can manage.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP's wife is the one who would need to up her game. And it isn't a game she enjoys playing. She told him more than once evidently that zero sex would work fine for her. It would be rather like trying to turn a carnivore into a vegan. A carnivore can achieve that if THEY make that THEIR goal. Otherwise they will be eating meat when others aren't watching.

He says she has always been this way, so after 35 years would have no idea how she is going to want to change anything. 

OP, I feel sorry for your situation. Retiring and spending more time together ought to be a high point in your lives, not source of more aggravation for either. Am thankful have never been in your situation, the wife and I have always been and continue to be well matched.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> This is one of the things that you need to understand what it actually means. Women/men that by nature are not inclined to initiate are reactive, once you get them going they'll go. Asking someone like your wife to be what she's not is counterproductive because it may lead to tensions, anxieties, and resentments, plus they'll react in an unnatural way in order to please or compromise. You being naturally the initiator needs to learn (if you didn't when much younger) the advantages that that confers, e.g., observation and learning by trial and error of when and what to do in order to initiate towards sex.
> 
> It is my experience that sex for women starts way,way earlier than the moment of the sex act. The day (s), week, that leads to sex; what have you as a man/partner has done to emotionally engage her; the things that you have done towards her and her love language, the intimate moments that you have approach her with no sex intentions. The things that you have done to lighten her load of daily things as a gesture of your concern and love for her; not because you want to get her in the sack (women intuitively know when you are doing these thing as banter for sex). All these things are to me what I have learned to do without seeking sexual gratification that will lead to your wife be way more receptive to sex and being more adventurous with you without having to resort to gimmicks in order to make her get aroused.
> 
> ...


Days and weeks to get ready for sex?

That's a hoot. 

I live by the rule that I want to have sex every day, whether we don't, or have it two or three times. DW knows that and loves that I love her and kiss, hug, or touch her all the time.

Many an encounter starts by hey you got panties on? Or, she'll say hey, want to get naked?

So, days and weeks, are a romantic dream while anyone's W puts them off.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


HubbyAlmostRetired said:



She has a full time job, does cooking, most cleaning and exercise so not much action during the weekdays.

Click to expand...

*Well, it's obvious *SHE'S* working her ass off outside the house as well as INSIDE.

Big surprise. Not.

What are *YOU* doing every day in order to do *YOUR *share of the domestic chores? You're obviously not doing very much because she's clearly doing most of it.

When you BOTH work outside the home, you BOTH have a 50% share of the domestic chores and the child-raising. She's carrying the *lion's share* of the work in your house and you're clearly coasting. Then you have the *colossal* nerve to cry that she's NOT turning into a sex kitten and swinging from the chandeliers AFTER she's busted her ass all day at work and then come home and busted her ass all night cooking and doing chores and tending to your son's needs while you sat on the couch watching TV???

You poor, poor _'victim.'_

*



Is she getting it elsewhere?

Click to expand...

*When would she have *time* to do that since she's too busy picking up YOUR slack at home after working a full day?

Try a little self awareness for a change. It'll do you wonders.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Days and weeks to get ready for sex?
> 
> That's a hoot.


Ragnar: when I said Day (s), Week it was taking in consideration that we all are not equal, different dynamic to different couples. Most newly wed young couples in love and hot for each other, don't need a day or a motivation, they just go at it a few times during the day. As the relationship develops, and life takes its course, and work, kids, finances, health, hormones take their toll, the hot and ready at a moment's notice couple sex's life takes a backburner in many instances. 

What's comes next is how that new hot & ready couple evolve towards each other, is the guy putting its weight in help around the house without having to be nagged? is he emotionally available to his wife after he comes homes (even when at work). All these in a normal couple is food for the female's brain to process and be ready emotionally for sex with her mate regardless of how tired she is from working at home or having to go to work herself; whatever that might be: within that day, or after two or three days, or a week, or more. It all depends on the couples' dynamics. Haven't you been reading what's going on in a lot couples sexual life in these forums?




Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I live by the rule that I want to have sex every day, whether we don't, or have it two or three times. D


Fantastic. That's YOU, but as I say, if you read these forums we all know that it's not so. Most of us dudes want sex, and want it constantly, on average more than the females, but we all know that for a big percentage of males the wife will go downwards in sexual libido before the male's does, hence the struggles.




Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So, days and weeks, are a romantic dream while anyone's W puts them off.


Nothing romantic; reality is the "word" here, as attested by the thousands of post here and on other forums about men/women wanting more sex while the partner does not. So I don't think for one moment that what I said is unrealistic romantic dreams, but certainly what most dudes have to do in other to keep their woman ready and wanting sex when you initiates, because it doesn't matter if you want sex 3-4 times a day, if you're an abusive jerk to your woman you might "make her" have sex with you daily, but I assure you that in her mind, she's damning, hating you, and feeling nauseated of you being inside he.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, it's obvious *SHE'S* working her ass off outside the house as well as INSIDE.
> 
> Big surprise. Not.
> 
> ...


If he’s a fat slob that is sacked out on the couch doing nuth’n all the time while she runs herself ragged, I would agree with you. 

But that often is not the case. 

There are lots of guys that do a lot of stuff in the house as well as the yard, the garage, keeping the cars running etc etc and do a lot of the dishes and laundry and vacuuming etc etc and what does the wife do with all that extra time since Hubby is doing his share of housework????? 

- she just finds more things to stress over and run herself ragged.

And look at all the guys on here doing choreplay like they’re on the quest for the Holy Grail and still their wife has no time or energy for them. 

People do what they want to do and they don’t do what they don’t. 

If someone wants to have some sexy time with their spouse, they can do that with clothes sitting in the dryer. 

Sure if a guy is a lazy, good for nuth’n, unemployed drunk that literally sits there doing nuth’n. That’s one thing.

But most men are contributing, responsible members of the family that participate in household and family functions. 

If the wife is on her knees scrubbing under the baseboards with a toothbrush, it’s because she wants to and would rather do that than be physically intimate with her husband. 

There is no dish that that will make or break a person’s future if it sits in the sink for a little while while a couple has some intimacy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Ragnar: when I said Day (s), Week it was taking in consideration that we all are not equal, different dynamic to different couples. Most newly wed young couples in love and hot for each other, don't need a day or a motivation, they just go at it a few times during the day. As the relationship develops, and life takes its course, and work, kids, finances, health, hormones take their toll, the hot and ready at a moment's notice couple sex's life takes a backburner in many instances.
> 
> What's comes next is how that new hot & ready couple evolve towards each other, is the guy putting its weight in help around the house without having to be nagged? is he emotionally available to his wife after he comes homes (even when at work). All these in a normal couple is food for the female's brain to process and be ready emotionally for sex with her mate regardless of how tired she is from working at home or having to go to work herself; whatever that might be: within that day, or after two or three days, or a week, or more. It all depends on the couples' dynamics. Haven't you been reading what's going on in a lot couples sexual life in these forums?
> 
> ...


I'm glad you got that off your chest. Imaginative but no points really.

The most important point you missed entirely. Let me use small words so you can grok the meanings.

1. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow, leading to number two.

2. In a good ltr relationship, M or not, it's very important to show your love for your spouse, and pay attention to this - TO your spouse EVERY day.

3. In said good M, that means your relationship is ALWAYS ready emotionally and physically to have a sexual encounter at any time.

Your not getting that but you really should. That makes every day an adventure together with your spouse on how to enjoy the relationship. Not spend time bickering about why this, why that, poor me, etc.

If you spend days and weeks trying to attempt to have sex but not having sex, how much time is wasted NOT enjoying life WITH your spouse?

That you don't apparently get that may be why you spend more time (conniving, hoping?) planning to have sex than actually having sex with your partner.

Days, weeks my butt.

It's been years since we've gone more than a few days for most of our 38 yrs. 

We actually like each other. I hope you get some semblance of that in your life. I really do.

Best of luck.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> She sounds almost exactly like my wife.


Same here, ages and length of marriage match as well.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm glad you got that off your chest. Imaginative but no points really.
> 
> The most important point you missed entirely. Let me use small words so you can grok the meanings.
> 
> ...



Not to tread jack, but, once again. Fantastic that's YOU, NOT THE REST OF THE WORLD as you can see in these forums (I'm not imagining anything). It was like you for me not too long ago, but at almost 70 I can't do it every day nowadays, but still I can at least twice a week and my wife nevers denies me (I used to be one of those that if I didn't have sex I would get headaches and not able to sleep until taking care of), nowadays, I can go to bed and sleep easily. So, in my particular case I am as successful as you are in the sex/love department, never a problem about it. 



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> 1. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow, leading to number two.


I Never say you are guaranteed a tomorrow.




Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> 2. In a good ltr relationship, M or not, it's very important to show your love for your spouse, and pay attention to this - TO your spouse EVERY day.


Did you read what I said: same thing as you are saying different words to accommodate the issue being discussed in this thread. Isn't what I said below not the same thing? 


Rob_1 said:


> what have you as a man/partner has done to emotionally engage her; the things that you have done towards her and her love language, the intimate moments that you have approach her with no sex intentions. The things that you have done to lighten her load of daily things as a gesture of your concern and love for her; not because you want to get her in the sack (women intuitively know when you are doing these thing as banter for sex).





Rob_1 said:


> is the guy putting its weight in help around the house without having to be nagged? is he emotionally available to his wife after he comes homes (even when at work)


I stand by what I say. That's what my experience in life has taught me about women in general about what makes them receptive to sex request from their partner. 

This seems like a good idea for a new topic: What drives a woman to be receptive for sex with their partner after years of marriage. We need to discount the first few years because in average the first few years there no need for an incentive to have sex, is just there, hot and heavy for the most part.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> But most men are contributing, responsible members of the family that participate in household and family functions.
> 
> If the wife is on her knees scrubbing under the baseboards with a toothbrush, it’s because she wants to and would rather do that than be physically intimate with her husband.
> 
> There is no dish that that will make or break a person’s future if it sits in the sink for a little while while a couple has some intimacy.


This is an extremely key point that if many husbands realized way early, would help keep the physical relationship from jumping off the track.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Rob_1 I think a lot of what we're saying is indeed is in the same neighborhood just different streets to get there. And that's ok.

When I God willing get to be your age I hope to be doing as well.

What I didn't and honestly still don't get is how any guy who thinks spending weeks planning to have sex with his W instead of spending time with her including sex, is thinking that's the best way. 

If a H has to go weeks without physical intimacy with his W yet thinks his planning is as equal, that's a waste of time. 
Its a mystery how one would think that. Barring medical issues or business travel, or otherwise being apart.

The fact that a W would do that, is common here at TAM. Yes, it could be the H, we all know that. 
In such a sexual desert there's a bigger problem in the marriage not just lack of sex.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What I didn't and honestly still don't get is how any guy who thinks spending weeks planning to have sex with his W instead of spending time with her including sex,


Not me ever.
I gave a range of time because (in case you didn't know) all sort of couples in this world that have their own set time. There's people in their 30's and 40's that only have sex once or twice at month and they're fine with it, that's their sexual libido timetable. For me, you, and another dude is daily, for other couples is every other day, and so on. The point is how as a male to be intune with your partner for her to be intune with you, not just sexually, but in all aspects of the relationship, not on the time it takes for a couple to couple


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> You stated that she rarely climaxes. I honestly would get bored with something that doesn't give me orgasms often.
> 
> I think you should work on her to make sure she orgasms. Get her a motorbunny machine 😀


a motor bunny, or other lelo type device, will indeed get her to cum.
but how does that help him have better sex? it will likely just get her masturbating in the bedroom with the door locked, and the OP having blue balls.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> It's not that she is not willing, so may be I need to learn different positions and try when she is agreeable.
> For example last night we were missionary and I wanted to raise her leg and I proceeded to grab the leg under me!
> She stopped me and goes no push other leg.
> 
> *That was 20 minutes after somewhat heated discussion *when she didn't want to do anything.


This is not sounding too good. you two were making love, you tried to force her to do some thing that she disliked, and you stopped making love and have a big argument instead.

when i am making love and my wife tells me she does not like something....i stop and try something different in hopes of finding something she DOES like.

One example...she is very sensitive to my fingernails. being a guy, i do not manicure my nails 24/7. so there might be a sharp edge. I do not know about it, but she sure as heck tells me not to use that finger. IF i instead ignored her and kept using that finger....i KNOW she would not enjoy it, and would not orgasm. so i do not keep trying.

So in your case, she did not want you pushing on her leg as you had sex.
ok. ther are probably a 1000 OTHER sex position. Get behind her, spoon a little, and do her from behind. Or buy one of those sex swings, or a wedge pillow, so you can adjust her position for both of your pleasures.

FORCING her into a sex position she does not like, unless she is a masochist, is really not going to get her to cum.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Rob_1 I think a lot of what we're saying is indeed is in the same neighborhood just different streets to get there. And that's ok.
> 
> When I God willing get to be your age I hope to be doing as well.
> 
> ...


A guy who doesn't have a satisfactory sex life with is wife is always at least 50% guilty for the failure. I definitely was. I didn't understand and I was focused too much on my needs (my d!ck). I know this now, but it's too late. So, when I read stories like Ragnar's, I feel uplifted an depressed at the same time. The trick is having the necessary maturity to navigate through your marriage and I didn't have any. If I could only turn the clock back...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i do not manicure my nails 24/7. so there might be a sharp edge. I


IMO this is just basic stuff. I manicure my nails routinely to be sure they are clipped, filed smooth no sharp edges. Just like keeping beard trimmed and stubble shaved close. Makes for much better times in the bedroom.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> IMO this is just basic stuff. I manicure my nails routinely to be sure they are clipped, filed smooth no sharp edges. Just like keeping beard trimmed and stubble shaved close. Makes for much better times in the bedroom.


Key items


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> This is not sounding too good. you two were making love, you tried to force her to do some thing that she disliked, and you stopped making love and have a big argument instead.
> 
> 
> FORCING her into a sex position she does not like, unless she is a masochist, is really not going to get her to cum.


You got this part backward.
She didn't want to have sex, we argued.
She agreed and she was helpful with the leg change issue.
I didn't dislike she was being helpful making suggestion.

But I have gotten enough out of this thread already that matters.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> Okay here goes one more boring sex life story...
> I am 61, wife 57, Married for 35 years.
> I am healthy and not overweight, no physical problems.
> My sex drive is probably 7 or 8.
> ...


As this is always a sticky subject, I will give my 2 cents worth. 
1st off, it's been a couple months since you posted. I hope that you and her have helped the situation, even if it is just communication for now. 
You said - She also rarely has climax. Have you asked her if she can make herself climax? Meaning, maybe you aren't doing something right. We are men and most can be selfish in that department, so I don't mean any disrespect! You mentioned getting a toy, that is a good start. Just learn how to use it and that means, ask her for guidance, until you learn what she likes.
When I talked to her, her answer - you're too much into sex (She is more religious centered). Then that means she knows what the Bible says and should honor God's commandment with marriage. Again, we are men, so YES, we are way to much into the sex part of the relationship. Is that such a bad thing, because there are also women complaining about the same thing. 

My final thought on this matter is - as we age, we take things for granted, especially with that paper that says "I Do".
It was simple in the beginning. We wanted sex, yes both and all the time! There was a chase and hope desire. I hope this person wants me kind of thing
With time that passes and the further the relationship goes, then this is where the taken for granted comes into play.
For a life of a man, it is simple - sex, sex and more sex. For a woman it is not. It's sex in the beginning, like she really needs it too and desired just as much. But then life happens. Pressure of children, work, husband, homelife and on and on, become on their mind, but sex takes a back burner. Again, it's still the mans #1 priority. Part of her job is to make you change the way you are naturally made. Be patient, lol! Don't think of it all the time, lol! And try to change the - when I say I am ready, then WE are ready! 
Even though I don't necessarily agree with it, but I like the new saying - why buy in this day and age, when you can just lease and drive new, every 2 (years). Oops, sorry that was a car commercial, lol....


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

Openminded said:


> If she thinks sex is gross (and there are many women who do) she’s not likely to change her mind at this late point. What she said is how she really feels.


My friends wife will not let him put it in her very often. She says it is gross to her. I said HUH, lol! Then why did you end up keeping her? Her is the weird part. She wants him to always go down on her, but that is it. Selfish, YEAH! I said, she is lesbian, but can't and won't come out, because there is certain people in society who believe it is shamed upon. So they pretend.


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## HubbyAlmostRetired (11 mo ago)

It's been a while but I do have an update.
Our issues were mostly because of inexperience (only 1 partner each for both) and busy work life/kids.
Not a lack of willingness on her part.
Anyways I did have a breakthrough.
Pillow talk I asked her does she feel me insider her and answer was no.
So she only enjoyed clit stimulation not gspot and that also once in a while.
So I learned that gspot can pressed in/knotted.
It can happen due to trauma or child birth etc. 
I massaged with my finger and sure enough when we had sex she goes oh you fixed it. She thoroughly enjoyed it since
I mentioned sex on vacations was always better so this only helps once we retire off.

Thanks all for the input, some got side tracked but useful discussion.
Above may sound far fetched but it really happened like that.


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## Quintessa (7 mo ago)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> Okay here goes one more boring sex life story...
> I am 61, wife 57, Married for 35 years.
> I am healthy and not overweight, no physical problems.
> My sex drive is probably 7 or 8.
> ...


If you REALLY mean what you’re saying, then you need to acknowledge that NO WHERE IN WHAT YOU SAID did you mention a WORD about what YOU DO to MEET HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS. If you want sex to be a team activity then your lifestyle must be a team. Here’s my advice to you…. Ask her perspective EVERY WEEK on what three things she’d like to do together that week ….then three things you can be responsible for at the house that she does now that become yours …then spend three evenings focused on just talking with her about her work, her job, how that’s going, what she’s been shopping for, where she’d like to go for vacation, birthday, anniversary, a long weekend this year well in advance; fill her love bank every week FOREVER with the things that make her CONNECTED to you and you will find her more attracted to sex with you. DO NOT INTRODUCE THAT VIBRATOR TO HER WITHOUT ADVANCE DISCUSSION OF HER INTEREST AND PERSPECTIVE ON SUCH AN IDEA….no, no, no. ALWAYS ASK EACH OTHERS PERSPECTIVES FIRST…. ALWAYS. And good luck to you. It sounds like you care about your wife… but just need a gentle reminder that you’ve got to fill her love bank.


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## Quintessa (7 mo ago)

HubbyAlmostRetired said:


> Okay here goes one more boring sex life story...
> I am 61, wife 57, Married for 35 years.
> I am healthy and not overweight, no physical problems.
> My sex drive is probably 7 or 8.
> ...


If you REALLY mean what you’re saying, then you need to acknowledge that NO WHERE IN WHAT YOU SAID did you mention a WORD about what YOU DO to MEET HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS. If you want sex to be a team activity then your lifestyle must be a team. Here’s my advice to you…. Ask her perspective EVERY WEEK on what three things she’d like to do together that week ….then three things you can be responsible for at the house that she does now that become yours …then spend three evenings focused on just talking with her about her work, her job, how that’s going, what she’s been shopping for, where she’d like to go for vacation, birthday, anniversary, a long weekend this year well in advance; fill her love bank every week FOREVER with the things that make her CONNECTED to you and you will find her more attracted to sex with you. DO NOT INTRODUCE THAT VIBRATOR TO HER WITHOUT ADVANCE DISCUSSION OF HER INTEREST AND PERSPECTIVE ON SUCH AN IDEA….no, no, no. ALWAYS ASK EACH OTHERS PERSPECTIVES FIRST…. ALWAYS. And good luck to you. It sounds like you care about your wife… but just need a gentle reminder that you’ve got to fill her love bank.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Quintessa said:


> If you REALLY mean what you’re saying, then you need to acknowledge that NO WHERE IN WHAT YOU SAID did you mention a WORD about what YOU DO to MEET HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS. If you want sex to be a team activity then your lifestyle must be a team. Here’s my advice to you…. Ask her perspective EVERY WEEK on what three things she’d like to do together that week ….then three things you can be responsible for at the house that she does now that become yours …then spend three evenings focused on just talking with her about her work, her job, how that’s going, what she’s been shopping for, where she’d like to go for vacation, birthday, anniversary, a long weekend this year well in advance; fill her love bank every week FOREVER with the things that make her CONNECTED to you and you will find her more attracted to sex with you. DO NOT INTRODUCE THAT VIBRATOR TO HER WITHOUT ADVANCE DISCUSSION OF HER INTEREST AND PERSPECTIVE ON SUCH AN IDEA….no, no, no. ALWAYS ASK EACH OTHERS PERSPECTIVES FIRST…. ALWAYS. And good luck to you. It sounds like you care about your wife… but just need a gentle reminder that you’ve got to fill her love bank.


Again with the boilerplate her emotional needs? Do you have a template for this?

Sorry for brief TJ.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Sorry to hear about your predicament. In your case I can understand why you have zero desire towards him, and nothing coming from his end will do (my post was about good marriages were the spouses love each other but there's a sexual disconnect). Having say that, if you're only 34 and that's the sad state of your marriage, why" I mean why are you still in this relationship? are you trapped economically? What's keeping you attached to a much older dude that as he gets older it'll be worse. You only have one life to live, don't waste it. Don't stay and then be forced to do in another 15 to 20 years what you can do now. Right now you're young enough to be much more successful in starting all over. Right now you are much more marketable than in 15 to 20 years from now.


Oh how things have changed since your response. Not sure why I didn’t reply. Maybe just becauseI’m February I was thinking “I’ve gone this long.. I can suck it out a little longer..”. I had hope it was just a season we were in and would come out of.

I was very very wrong.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Quintessa said:


> If you REALLY mean what you’re saying, then you need to acknowledge that NO WHERE IN WHAT YOU SAID did you mention a WORD about what YOU DO to MEET HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS. If you want sex to be a team activity then your lifestyle must be a team. Here’s my advice to you…. Ask her perspective EVERY WEEK on what three things she’d like to do together that week ….then three things you can be responsible for at the house that she does now that become yours …then spend three evenings focused on just talking with her about her work, her job, how that’s going, what she’s been shopping for, where she’d like to go for vacation, birthday, anniversary, a long weekend this year well in advance; fill her love bank every week FOREVER with the things that make her CONNECTED to you and you will find her more attracted to sex with you. DO NOT INTRODUCE THAT VIBRATOR TO HER WITHOUT ADVANCE DISCUSSION OF HER INTEREST AND PERSPECTIVE ON SUCH AN IDEA….no, no, no. ALWAYS ASK EACH OTHERS PERSPECTIVES FIRST…. ALWAYS. And good luck to you. It sounds like you care about your wife… but just need a gentle reminder that you’ve got to fill her love bank.


Then quietly throw up from sucking up so horribly.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I didn't see this thread when it was new, but in case OP shows up again, he's not dealing with a case of his wife going through The Great Decline. She was always a sexual dud. You accepted it, and now you will have to live with it. You might want to take up some new hobbies. It's sad that life works this way, but it does. These problems are very common and maybe even expected.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

In my opinion a common problem between married couples is that wives rarely open up about their sexual desires to their husbands. Many married women believe there is a stigma around sex, or feel it`s improper to want to do anything sexual above the norm and if having urges to take things to a next level feel embarrassed to do so with their husbands.
Has the OP considered marriage counseling, this may help.
I`ve been married for 33 years and still not managed to find the G-spot. 😁


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> In my opinion a common problem between married couples is that wives rarely open up about their sexual desires to their husbands.


You're assuming they have any.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Sleeping next to a wife wearing pajamas and wrapped up in a bathrobe and a blanket is hardly an open invitation to carnal adventures.

Relationships can become monotonous when everything always comes in plain packages, no thrills, spills and excitement. In some cases after many years of marriage or cohabiting together, it can be almost like living with a maiden aunt. Dullsville. I think the movie; _A Fish Called Wanda with _John Cleese_ and _Jamie Lee Curtis depicts these situations exactly.

What the OP has described probably pertains to how it is in many relationships. Some wives tries to convey the semblance of having always being some sort of Puritan character which according to them even making love with the lights on would be an extreme act of depravity.

Perhaps this is why many wives are afraid of revealing their past histories, because in a way they do have a part of themselves that they would prefer to keep separate from their husbands, which means there are many aspects of their lives they would rather keep to themselves or only share with others outside of the family relationship.

Maybe this is the primary reasons why so many relationships turn sour over the years and the men will go astray in order to find fulfillment, a bit of affection, even if it means putting on an act and paying for it and to add some thrills into their lives.

This is why I believe it is important to have knowledge of a wife’s feelings and how she thinks, because it means you are getting the whole person, someone that is willing to give herself up, mind, body and soul to you, and not someone who is only prepared to give a part of herself as the ever caring dutiful little wifey who puts restrictions and limits herself to how far she will go to please her husband.

It is said; that behind every great man, stands a woman and it is really the woman who is the backbone of the family and if this system fails, than so does the whole family relationship.


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