# Husband out late on weekends with friends



## lexisummer

I have been married for 3 years now and my husband picks certain weekends with his friends to go out wether it be a birthday or random event. They go to the bars and drink and my husband shows up home past 2:30am. I am getting tired of it. He always tells me he will be home early before 12:00am but that never happens. I can't go every weekend out with him because its tiring and I dont like drinking a lot. I have tried everything from yelling, getting angry and threatening divorce. He is causing me a lot of tears and heartache and I am so tired of it. I am very unhappy in this marriage and I am really planning to get a divorce. Last night was my last straw when he came home at 2:30am again. 
He does drink all night and comes home with a buzz. Not sure what to do and I am not sure if its even worth saving the marriage anymore. Yes, I believe he has a drinking problem especially when he goes out. He doesnt drink at home, but when he is out in social settings he is drinking a lot and gets buzzed. Thank God we dont have any kids or else this would be harder. I am wondering should I leave now before its too late? 
All the memories from this marriage is bad ones, no good ones. Staying up late waiting for him to come home is so stressfull for me. Anyone have any other advise? I am planning to get a divorce lawyer soon.


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## IrishGirlVA

I just moved out after living with my binge drinker boyfriend after 3 months. 3 months was all I can take of him saying he'd be home early but not coming back until 2am, 3am or even the next day. I stayed up all night worried about him, pissed off at him, pissed off at myself for putting up with it, etc. And I was sad too. When he'd come home he'd find me sleeping in the guest room. I had to resort to that when talking about it, fighting about it and me threatening to leave didn't work. I moved out almost 2 months ago and I cannot even begin to express how FREEING it is to have gotten out of that environment that was making me emotionally and physically sick. I no longer have to be subjected to his lying, drinking and disrespect. 

Because this IS disrespect! The only consequences your husband has to pay is you being mad at him the next day. Or you threatening divorce but not really going through with it. I think it's time for his wake up call. See a divorce lawyer. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it but he needs to see that you are serious this time. Of course, two things will happen. 

1) He will realize he's been a jerk and will cut back on the boy's night and spend time with his lovely wife

or

2) He will be relieved that he'll no longer have to deal with the wrath when he comes home at 2:30 in the morning. 

For me, my bf continued doing his thing. Binge drinking on the weekends. Either by himself or with a friend. It wasn't until the last week or so has he "promised" to stop. But for me it was too little too late. I heard that song and dance before and he never followed through. 

And yes -- thank god you two do not have children.


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## CallaLily

Don't go any further with him. As in if you don't have kids with him, do NOT bring one into the situation. If you feel getting out of it is for the best do so. Its possible he has drinking issue, and even if he doesn't, you're not priority right now, which says a lot.


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## CandieGirl

I dumped my binge drinking drug using alkie BF when I was 23; he used to spend all the money and disappear for days on end. We had 2 small kids and I threw him out anyway, even though I had no job at the time. Best thing I ever did. He's still the same; just older and more pathetic.


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## Liam

Was he like this before you married him? If so, it might have been difficult for him to adjust to staying home each weekend. Not making excuses for him, just saying. Maybe you just assumed he would change when you got married(as plenty of people do), but the reality is slightly different.

You have every right to be angry and frustrated, but the entire situation sounds quite negative and volatile. He goes out....you get mad him.....he goes out the next weekend....you get mad at him etc etc. Maybe you can try something different(if you haven't already). For example, booking a table at a nice restaurant and going out for dinner together. Or inviting some friends over for dinner.

He is disrespecting your wishes by continually going out each weekend and drinking heavily, but I'm wondering if there is a 'rebellion' element to it for him. Also, I don't know the factors that make him feel the need to go out and make him drink so much. Is he just that kind of guy? A party guy? Or is he stressed at work and likes to let loose?

If you can manage it, I think you need to try and calmly explain to him how unhappy with this situation you are. So much so, that are even considering filing for divorce. 

Really sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better


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## lexisummer

Before marriage he used to go out with his friends every weekend and drinking was involved. 
Once we got married he realized after about 6 months that I didn't like him going out like that. So now he reduces his outings to about 2 weekends per month or less.
Its just that when he gets the freedom he goes all out and loves to party like he is in college. He was never deprived of this in college as he went out every day!
I thought it would get better and change after marriage but he still has the "party mode" in him.
I really had a serious discussion with hime yesterday. Instead of threatening him with divorce I really told him I was going to find a divorce lawyer. I already had one picked out.
We came to a compromise and decided that he and I would go out together and he would cut down his alone time with friends. He complained that I dont like staying out late so that is why 
he goes alone with his friends. Its hard for me to stay out late. He and I are both in our late 20's and partying is tiring. 
He agrees to come home at 12:00am if he is with friends. I am going to keep him accountable to this. If he causes me heartache again I will move on.
This has been a hard emotional weekend for me. It really made me mentally and physically sick. Im glad we had a resolution but he is accountable for his actions.
I appreciate everyones response and help! I think to avoid situations like this I will plan more outings which will keep him more occupied with me! I tend to be a homebody and he loves to be out! Thanks for the tips!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lexisummer

CallaLily said:


> Don't go any further with him. As in if you don't have kids with him, do NOT bring one into the situation. If you feel getting out of it is for the best do so. Its possible he has drinking issue, and even if he doesn't, you're not priority right now, which says a lot.


Funny you mentioned that because I was planning to stop birth control pills thinking we were ready for a family. I restarted them back yesterday after this whole emotional crazy weekend! He says he's ready for kids and he tells me he likes to party before children come so that he can get it out of his system. Ridiculous answer!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife

Not a good answer at all. He needs to stop this behavior NOW and prove to you that he's over this "partying" stage. But it seems that he's not. The best thing to do is either kick him out, or move yourself out. Get away from him, and show him you mean business. Words are not enough in these types of situations. Actions speak louder than words. He'll either change knowing he'll lose you if he doesn't, or he won't even care. But at least you'll have your answer. I wish you the best.


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## CandieGirl

Yes it is a ridiculous answer. Having children did nothing to cure my guy of party-fever. In fact, he disappeared even more often, after they came along. Pfff.!


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## southern wife

CandieGirl said:


> Yes it is a ridiculous answer. Having children did nothing to cure my guy of party-fever. In fact, he disappeared even more often, after they came along. Pfff.!


:iagree: They see that babies are hard work, and hanging at the bar and drinking is alot more fun and stress free. DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN! You'll be raising them alone, and it's not easy!


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## Liam

It sounds like you are handling this the right way and have a plan if he doesn't stick to his side of the bargain. I absolutely agree with you, CandieGirl and southern wife that his 'get it out of my system now before kids' answer is ridiculous!


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## MrK

What kinds of places does he go to? Sports bars? Night clubs? Do they just drink in someone's living room?


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## Ryan33

Am I the only one that doesn't see anything wrong with going out once or twice a month for drinks?

Does marriage mean you're not allowed to go out by yourself anymore? So he stays out until 2:30 once or twice a week, it's not like he's not coming home.


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## indiecat

He's not mature enough to have a family if he can't stick to your agreement. You did the right thing by taking a firm stand.


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## CandieGirl

Ryan33 said:


> Am I the only one that doesn't see anything wrong with going out once or twice a month for drinks?
> 
> Does marriage mean you're not allowed to go out by yourself anymore? So he stays out until 2:30 once or twice a week, it's not like he's not coming home.


...yet...


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## Jellybeans

How often does this happeN?


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## synthetic

Sorry but I see little wrong with your husband going out with his friends on weekends.

Just because you're not into having fun, it doesn't mean he should be forced to self-neglect.

He goes out on some weekends and doesn't come back till late. So freaking what?!! If you miss him that much, then go with him. If you just want to put a curfew on him, then good luck! He's not your dog.

If you know where he is, what he is doing and who he's with, I have no idea why you'd want to keep him away from fun? Do you have a more exciting alternative available for him?

And 2:30AM on a weekend is not that late. What are you? 80?



> I have tried everything from yelling, getting angry and threatening divorce.


I wonder why you haven't gotten anywhere with him!


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## Ryan33

CandieGirl said:


> ...yet...


Oh okay, so let's end the marriage based on the fact he hasn't stayed out all night... yet.



synthetic said:


> Sorry but I see little wrong with your husband going out with his friends on weekends.
> 
> Just because you're not into having fun, it doesn't mean he should be forced to self-neglect.
> 
> He goes out on some weekends and doesn't come back till late. So freaking what?!! If you miss him that much, then go with him. If you just want to put a curfew on him, then good luck! He's not your dog.
> 
> If you know where he is, what he is doing and who he's with, I have no idea why you'd want to keep him away from fun? Do you have a more exciting alternative available for him?
> 
> And 2:30AM on a weekend is not that late. What are you? 80?
> 
> I wonder why you haven't gotten anywhere with him!


Thank god I'm not alone on this. Boggles my mind people are making him the bad guy for going out every few weeks, and doesn't come home at midnight.

"Sorry guys, gotta go, have to go home and watch my wife sleep."

If this was happening 2-3 times a week, okay. I don't even think there's anything wrong with once a week. And this guy doesn't even do that, sounds like one, maybe two times a month. And as above, 2:30 is not late, nor is it binge drinking.


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## MrK

lexisummer said:


> weekends with his friends to go out wether it be a birthday or random event. ...I can't go every weekend out with him because its tiring and I dont like drinking a lot...He does drink all night and comes home with a buzz. .


To all of you telling her to either go with him or shut up: Does THAT look like she's really welcome on these events? 

I'd still like to know where he goes to drink. Sports bars and/or his friends man-caves, OK. If he's clubbing at meat markets, you've got SERIOUS issues. Unless he likes to dance with his guy friends all night.


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## synthetic

> To all of you telling her to either go with him or shut up: Does THAT look like she's really welcome on these events?


Read:


> I can't go every weekend out with him because its tiring and I dont like drinking a lot


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## galian84

MrK said:


> I'd still like to know where he goes to drink. Sports bars and/or his friends man-caves, OK. If he's clubbing at meat markets, you've got SERIOUS issues. Unless he likes to dance with his guy friends all night.


^This...where IS he going to drink? My ex-boyfriend used to do this...go to his friends' houses or random bars to hang out and drink once or twice a week. He used to come home at 4:30-5AM in the morning. He was in his late 20s at the time, much like your husband. 

My current boyfriend was a partier before I met him. I pretty much told him flat out...no clubbing or dancing at bars if I'm not there, or I'd have no problem leaving the relationship. I told him if he wanted to go hang out with his friends at a sports bar or at his friends' house, that was fine, because he doesn't see his friends all that much. He agreed, but then again, he is in his 40s.

He did compromise with you by going out less. Honestly, 2:30 AM isn't all that bad, and I feel like it's kind of expected behavior at his age, but the fact remains that it bothers you. I'm in my late 20s, also, and most the guys I know who are around my age usually put a very high priority on hanging out with friends / partying (not saying all of them do, just a general observation). You've tried talking to him about it and it hasn't worked. Have you ever asked him why exactly he can't make it back by 12? I feel like he just says that to make you happy, and is not ready to give up his partying days (if in fact, he is going out partying). And he was like this before you two were married? I wouldn't have married him until he DID change :/

I agree, do not have children with him yet...he is clearly not ready.


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## synthetic

galian84,

Why do you think he needs to change? What is so bad about what he is doing? She's not suspecting he's cheating on him, so what's the issue? 

And, what exactly is he gaining by being back by 12:00?! Is there something happening at home at that time?

As for not having children with him, it's entirely up to both of them. If he wants to have a kid and she does too, I don't understand how his current desire to spend time with friends on some weekends is an indication of him not being ready.


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## galian84

synthetic said:


> galian84,
> 
> Why do you think he needs to change? What is so bad about what he is doing? She's not suspecting he's cheating on him, so what's the issue?
> 
> And, what exactly is he gaining by being back by 12:00?! Is there something happening at home at that time?
> 
> As for not having children with him, it's entirely up to both of them. If he wants to have a kid and she does too, I don't understand how his current desire to spend time with friends on some weekends is an indication of him not being ready.


I'm just repeating what the OP said. What her husband is doing may not bother you, or even me, but it bothers HER, and that's what matters. I personally didn't care that my ex-boyfriend was out at his friends' houses until 5AM, because I always knew where he was and I knew his friends (we broke up for other reasons), and it was my choice not to go with them.

I said that at his age, doing what he's doing may even be considered normal. I don't know many guys my age who DON'T drink, put a high priority on their friends, and/or party often (again, I know I'm generalizing. Just my observations).

I am simply trying to get more information and suggesting that she talk to him about her concerns. What he's doing bothers her, and she has to make a decision about what she's going to do about it.


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## ferndog

Guys tend to not see their faults as much as women (in general of course). You can talk to him but chances are the behavior will remain the same. We tend not to view concerns as true but rather as nagging. What guys listen to is action not words. You leaving is an action, divorce is an action. Etc. he might snap out of it but he must realize it's time to decide what he wants because you are leaving. 
It's time for him to face the truth. Btw friends are fine but not when they are affecting his relationship. He's kind of an idiot if he choses them over a woman who loves and cares for him.

I was an idiot myself but my ex never gave me a choice. She simply walked away, I changed but she never came back. So I know that if he loves you he will change
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

ferndog said:


> Guys tend to not see their faults as much as women (in general of course). You can talk to him but chances are the behavior will remain the same. We tend not to view concerns as true but rather as nagging. What guys listen to is action not words. You leaving is an action, divorce is an action. Etc. he might snap out of it but he must realize it's time to decide what he wants because you are leaving.
> It's time for him to face the truth. Btw friends are fine but not when they are affecting his relationship. He's kind of an idiot if he choses them over a woman who loves and cares for him.
> 
> I was an idiot myself but my ex never gave me a choice. She simply walked away, I changed but she never came back. So I know that if he loves you he will change
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A woman who leaves her husband just because he goes out for drinks with his friends on some weekends, is, well..., NOT WORTH CHANGING FOR


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## ferndog

synthetic said:


> A woman who leaves her husband just because he goes out for drinks with his friends on some weekends, is, well..., NOT WORTH CHANGING FOR


If its on occasion that he goes out then I agree. If its constant then it's a different story
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

ferndog said:


> If its on occasion that he goes out then I agree. If its constant then it's a different story
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She said it's "some weekends".

I'd say he should do it every weekend. They don't have kids yet. What's so healthy about a young couple with no kids staying home on weekends? You only live once.


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## ferndog

synthetic said:


> She said it's "some weekends".
> 
> I'd say he should do it every weekend. They don't have kids yet. What's so healthy about a young couple with no kids staying home on weekends? You only live once.


Lol
I'm not sure about spending every weekend away from your wife then whats the point of having one but defenetly once in a while it's not bad at all. It would be unhealthy if he didn't. There should be a balance. Example my father and mother were always together. She died 4.5 years ago. My father still cries and doesn't have much of a social life because he gave everything to her. Now she is gone and he just keeps saying how much he loves her etc. he can't face that she is gone.

There must be some trust issues or something or he must not be given her the attention she needs. She might feel its a competition between her and his friends for his attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

> She might feel its a competition between her and his friends for his attention.


She has him 5-6 days a week and the weekends that he doesn't hang out with his friends. I'd say she's dominating the competition fairly comfortably


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## ferndog

synthetic said:


> She has him 5-6 days a week and the weekends that he doesn't hang out with his friends. I'd say she's dominating the competition fairly comfortably


Hhmmm not to sure about that. Weekdays I'm sure they work and do other productive things (cleaning, house work etc).

When it's time to relax (weekends) that's when it's quality time I think. I guess I have to wait to see what she posts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scared1

I am going throught the same thing only for me its everyweekend, and I cant go out either because we have 4 small kids. He thinks it is so acceptable to go out not till 2 am but come home 6 am every sat night while I am sitting home wondering if he is alive dead or whatever and I am so sad and upset and when i get upset and ask him to stay he gets so mad and we fight and it all turns into my fault. I wish I knew what to do as well.


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## Entropy3000

Ryan33 said:


> Am I the only one that doesn't see anything wrong with going out once or twice a month for drinks?
> 
> Twice a month for drinks is one thing. And yes out drinking past 2:30 is childish in my view especially if it is a regular thing. Meating for dinner and drinks in the evening is not the same thing as she explains. Also how drunk he gets matters. What is wrong with meeting for happy hour and only drinking for six hours? or meeting in the afternoon for drinks. Some folks like to close down the bars. I did when I was very young and not married.
> 
> *Does marriage mean you're not allowed to go out by yourself anymore?*
> 
> No one said that.
> 
> So he stays out until 2:30 once or twice a week, it's not like he's not coming home.
> 
> This would be absurd in my marriage for either one of us. I would not put up with my wife being out drinking into the wee hours ... ever.


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## ferndog

scared1 said:


> I am going throught the same thing only for me its everyweekend, and I cant go out either because we have 4 small kids. He thinks it is so acceptable to go out not till 2 am but come home 6 am every sat night while I am sitting home wondering if he is alive dead or whatever and I am so sad and upset and when i get upset and ask him to stay he gets so mad and we fight and it all turns into my fault. I wish I knew what to do as well.


You know what to do. You just don't want to. It's called put your foot down. Marriage is teamwork and partnership sounds like he isn't putting his part. Make it clear to him that his behavior is not healthy for your relationship and that your not going to put up with it. This doesn't mean he cant go out once in a while this just means he can't go all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

scared1 said:


> I am going throught the same thing only for me its everyweekend, and I cant go out either because we have 4 small kids. He thinks it is so acceptable to go out not till 2 am but come home 6 am every sat night while I am sitting home wondering if he is alive dead or whatever and I am so sad and upset and when i get upset and ask him to stay he gets so mad and we fight and it all turns into my fault. I wish I knew what to do as well.


Stop the fighting. Save yourself the grief, he's not going to hear you and do what he wants the very next weekend anyway.

I was in a situation like this... early 20's, 2 kids, married a short time... I worked long hours, did all the housework and took care of the kids while my ex would lay around on the couch or play video games during the week, and on weekends he'd disappear. Friday and Saturday nights he was never home. He'd stroll in around 4 and 5 am and act like it was no big deal. And for him it wasn't... 

I stopped yelling and screaming. Instead I found friends in my situation and we'd hang out together. I stopped caring about where he was and did my own thing. I'd like to say things turned out great for us, but he's my ex for some pretty good reasons. His outings were more than just hanging with his boys, they were also to pick up other women. I found out, I was hurt, I wanted him to feel what I felt, so I had an affair. We tried to reconcile but he couldn't forgive me. We split and that's that.

I'm remarried and with a man that got it all out of his system years ago... we go out together, and once in a blue moon he goes out with his friends for beers. He doesn't stay out all night, I think the latest he ever got home was 1:00am. Maybe it's his age, but when we met he was 29 and he was really over it. 10 years later he still is.


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