# Only I can make myself come



## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Reading The Erotic Mind (recommended by Ian Kerner on cnn.com's Health page), I realized that the reason he can't bring me to orgasm and I have to do it myself is because he doesn't arouse me enough because he doesn't do what is arousing to me. So without going into details on my arousals, I can say I can get off on someone doing oral on me, if I belive they like it. If I believe they like it. I repeated that.

So my husband will do oral, but as a favor. He has a 20 min time limit and he requests a 69 position every time. I guess it is not so bad that way. I can never come that way and in the 20 min.

So I'm trying to decide if I should just be okay with having to do it myself every time, or how I can let myself pretend he likes doing it, so I can get aroused enough to orgasm from his touch.

Other than that, he does turn me on and I love sex with him. It's just that I can't come from anything he does TO me. I have to do it myself, and I always fantasize about someone who is turned on by me, so it's never him. I sort of wish I could change that.

Any advice.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I completely understand this!! I could have written this myself a few years ago.It's kind of a lonely place isn't it?I always thought so 

Your husband has to be more flexible if he wants to be the one providing your orgasm.From what you said it seems like he's being a little too rigid(pardon the pun) when it comes to the sexual routine. Why does oral have to be 69?Why can't he just pleasure you and enjoy it pleasuring you?
I think i'd feel hurt and self conscious if i had a partner who didn't like pleasuring me *hugs* I feel for you. 

Does he say why he doesn't like it? Can you get off from having him use his hands on you if he isn't into oral?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Its fairly typical..

But just like with he shouldnt expecrt he "gets himself off" neither should you ..

So try saying "nope ..DO IT YOURSELF" to him..see how that works..

If I have t maturbate to have an orgasm what the hell do we need each other for?????

Sorry..


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I'm unclear as to the time limit. Is that something he has set or? 

Please explain. Thanks.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to get him off either and not return the 'favor'. It's not easy but I speak up now. I've stated the inequity in our physical relationship. I'm not okay with doing all the work. When I finally got him to hear this he felt bad because it was true. 

So I'm in the camp of tell him and if he doesn't listen tell him to get himself off and see how he likes it. I'll do this with my husband. He'll touch me, I touch him, he quits touching me, I quit touching him....two can play this game. He gets the message loud and clear. LOL If I wanted to go solo what do I need him for?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

no wonder you don't think he's into you, he sounds pretty selfish


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sara Ann said:


> It's just that I can't come from anything he does TO me.


I get it the mental part but have you talked mechanics? He really should be wanting to learn what it takes.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm hoping it's not that he's selfish but maybe just clueless on how to really please a woman? selfishness will be hard to overcome but if he's just clueless you can definitely work with him and you guys can fix this


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm hoping it's not that he's selfish but maybe just clueless on how to really please a woman? selfishness will be hard to overcome but if he's just clueless you can definitely work with him and you guys can fix this


I dunno, his requirement that cunnilingus is only done in a 69 kind of demonstrates that he only will do it if he gets his rocks off at the same time.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

He's never really liked oral, so he does it as a favor to me. He gets tired after 20 min, so that is his time limit.

He often offers to use his hands on me, but I can't get turned on that way. I know it's because he lies next to me and it's boring to me. If he would at least get in the position to watch what he does... when I give him a hand job I get into proper position, I don't just lie there.

I don't force the issue because it takes me so long. Even when I am by myself, it can take 45 min. If I use a vibe it will take 5-10 min everytime, but I don't like to rely on that. I will use my hands 75% of the time.

So I want to be a good team player.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

He will only do it in a 69 so that way he can have some pleasure too. We have gone over this often, and I finally relented because I do like touching him. But I can't relax enough to come when I am thinking about him.

He won't read books on what to do better. He prefers if I show him. I haven't really figured out what to tell him to do different, since I can't see what he's doing. I wish he would just watch a video or read a book. Well, I like to take responsibility and he won't so I have to work with what I have.

What it takes is not just technique. I need to think or believe that he enjoys it or is excited by it. So we change things up for me to come first so he is still excited. But on the mechanics, yeah, his enthusiasm is just not there. Maybe that is where I can ask him - what are his beliefs and thoughts on female genitals? Maybe a hangup there?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> I get it the mental part but have you talked mechanics? He really should be wanting to learn what it takes.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sara Ann said:


> He's never really liked oral, so he does it as a favor to me. He gets tired after 20 min, so that is his time limit.
> 
> He often offers to use his hands on me, but I can't get turned on that way. I know it's because he lies next to me and it's boring to me. If he would at least get in the position to watch what he does... when I give him a hand job I get into proper position, I don't just lie there.
> 
> ...


do you have any theories on why it takes 45mins for you? For me,if my head isnt in the game so to speak it can take a while,do you find your mind wandering when you're trying to get there?

I'm not blaming you AT ALL so i really hope you don't take it that way but is it possible he is being lazy bc he's discouraged that he can't make you orgasm quicker? maybe he feels like he failed you somehow so he has given up?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sara Ann said:


> He often offers to use his hands on me, but I can't get turned on that way. I know it's because he lies next to me and it's boring to me. If he would at least get in the position to watch what he does... when I give him a hand job I get into proper position, I don't just lie there.


I also lie next to my wife when using my hands, but that is because I kiss her and use my mouth on her chest. Would that help? Also, consider a cowgirl position while he uses his hand on you.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Just having the pressure of a time limit would be off putting and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself or have an orgasm. Your man sounds selfish.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay 45 minutes is a long time so I get that. Even I wouldn't want to do oral for that long. I'm wondering why it takes so long too. Even on my worse days it's 15-20 minutes tops. Alone it's faster like 5-10 minutes.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

It takes 45 min for me when I masturbate with my fingers, because my thoughts do wander. When I am really aroused or use a vibe, it takes only 5-10 min. If I am super aroused, I can finish in 3 min. Those high arousals never involve him, they involve watching some very mild porn first, of someone doing oral to a woman. So I know what I like. I guess he could do oral on me while I watch the porn, but I don't want to go that route. Arrghh.

When he gives me oral, I return the favor by making him a nice meal. If I were him, I wouldn't want to spend 45 min either! Poor guy. I have a friend who loves giving oral to his wife, and he spends as long as it takes, which is usually 45 min for her. He just likes doing it. My husband doesn't want to put all that time into it.

I can't tell him he's being selfish just because he doesn't like oral but does it anyway for 20 min. What can I do??


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sara Ann said:


> I need to think or believe that he enjoys it or is excited by it.


Understand, been there. Work on yourself first. Tell yourself you deserve it. You do.



Sara Ann said:


> So we change things up for me to come first so he is still excited.


And this is not working?



Sara Ann said:


> But on the mechanics, yeah, his enthusiasm is just not there.


Was he always like this? Changes?


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

TallAverageGuy, he doesn't like to kiss. He doesn't like me to kiss on him either. We don't kiss often, sometimes we do.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> no wonder you don't think he's into you, he sounds pretty selfish


:iagree: 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

The way we do it now is I do myself while he watches. That's what I like. But again, it's me doing it. I wish I could have an orgasm from him touching me. That hasn't happened in years.

He's always been less interested in sex than I am. He's become much more open minded the past 2 years and lets me do all kinds of things to him. But I am still much more adventurous and interested in exploring. He's rather read Scientific American than How to Make Your Girl Come. Ha.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband is the only guy that could give me an orgasm through penetration and oral. I only ever had an orgasm with one other guy and that was with his fingers LOL. I guess he just had really long fingers? lol. 

I do find that certain positions help me get there easier and faster. Doggystyle on the floor with one leg up on the couch (think dog taking a leak on a fire hydrant....i know, I know....) definitely hits a spot. Simply put, there is a spot he can hit that I never knew existed before and I usually have an orgasm at least three times doing intercourse. I guess he found that spot during oral sex, using his fingers, because if he hits it I can keep going, and going, and going..... I could be thinking about the dust on the ceiling fan but if he hits that certain spot, it's curtains LOL. I've heard for some women, using a wedge or propping your butt up on a pillow can allow easier access to the spot..... Basically, if he doesn't hit that certain spot, it's hard to climax.....but if he hits it then it doesn't matter if I am even in the mood or not, it does the trick.....


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Before you call him selfish, consider we have been married over 20 years and also that not everyone likes the same things.

I just need to know what I can do so I can get aroused within the limits I have. Maybe I should watch porn while he goes down on me? 

Today I took a big step and I told him what I discovered and why he can't make me come. Let's see what happens with that.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

I won't eat my wife out, is that selfish?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sara Ann said:


> Before you call him selfish, consider we have been married over 20 years and also that not everyone likes the same things.


Ahh, I figured like 2. About the "I need to think or believe that he enjoys it", for our first 15 years neither one of us could give or get oral cause of this but finally able to talk it out. 



Sara Ann said:


> I just need to know what I can do so I can get aroused within the limits I have. Maybe I should watch porn while he goes down on me?


Sounds like you have an image in your head, it's just not him. My wife sometimes needs a "mental movie", I'm OK with that, more so than the porn. I may be off do have full length mirror near the bed? Just saying. 



Sara Ann said:


> Today I took a big step and I told him what I discovered and why he can't make me come. Let's see what happens with that.


Good, I hope it works out.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sara Ann said:


> The way we do it now is I do myself while he watches. That's what I like. But again, it's me doing it. I wish I could have an orgasm from him touching me. That hasn't happened in years.
> 
> He's always been less interested in sex than I am. He's become much more open minded the past 2 years and lets me do all kinds of things to him. But I am still much more adventurous and interested in exploring. He's rather read Scientific American than How to Make Your Girl Come. Ha.


Can you get him involved while you are doing it? Perhaps have him use his fingers as well, so he participates?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Have you talked to him about using the vibe on you while performing oral?


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Hmm Sara Ann, that is a pretty difficult situation to be in i bet.

My husband is not always as enthusiastic about giving oral as i would like him to be either sometimes. It's upsetting but I have learned that being mean to him about it only makes the problem worse.

I actually think a 20 min limit is not bad, he just shouldn't share that limit with you. Licking p*ssy can be tiring, trust me If he sets a 20 min limit then he should have an internal clock, and when that 20mins is up should switch to toys/fingers.

That 69 crap is unfair though I can't orgasm from that either because i can't focus. I would sit and have a serious talk with him. Most men have a natural desire to please, try to bring that out of him. Show him how good he can make you feel if he would just focus on you. Even if you have to fake it a bit 



Sara Ann said:


> Reading The Erotic Mind (recommended by Ian Kerner on cnn.com's Health page), I realized that the reason he can't bring me to orgasm and I have to do it myself is because he doesn't arouse me enough because he doesn't do what is arousing to me. So without going into details on my arousals, I can say I can get off on someone doing oral on me, if I belive they like it. If I believe they like it. I repeated that.
> 
> So my husband will do oral, but as a favor. He has a 20 min time limit and he requests a 69 position every time. I guess it is not so bad that way. I can never come that way and in the 20 min.
> 
> ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sara Ann said:


> Before you call him selfish, consider we have been married over 20 years and also that not everyone likes the same things.
> 
> I just need to know what I can do so I can get aroused within the limits I have. Maybe I should watch porn while he goes down on me?
> 
> Today I took a big step and I told him what I discovered and why he can't make me come. Let's see what happens with that.


I was hoping it wasn't a selfish thing on his part. That's great you told him these things!!! Good for you how did he react? Please keep us posted

And the mind movie thing that someone else said...brilliant!! A tactic I've used in the past and it works like a charm


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Can you work on controlling your thoughts? If I let my thoughts wander it's all over for me. I really really have to stay focused to do this fast. I also cheat by making sure there is white noise on like a fan. That helps block my thoughts. It's a trick I learned years ago to learn how to put myself to sleep. Turns out it works for sex too. Any little noise distracts me but the fan is soothing. It took training to do this though. I had to learn to quiet my mind.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

He often participates when i use the vibe, using a dildo on me. When we first went this route, it would take 30 min because I was so self conscious, but now it is only 10 min. 

I'l work on controlling my thoughts. I'll try that doggy style position although I doubt I can come with only penetration. I can't combine the vibe with him penetrating because he finishes too fast or the vibe moves around too much. He can't use the vibe on me because he can't tell where it feels good. So I've tried all these things.

I still want him to be able to get me off without the vibe. It used to work with his fingers, way back 30 years ago. I guess I'm just expecting more now.


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

kl84 said:


> My husband is the only guy that could give me an orgasm through penetration and oral. I only ever had an orgasm with one other guy and that was with his fingers LOL. I guess he just had really long fingers? lol.
> 
> I do find that certain positions help me get there easier and faster. Doggystyle on the floor with one leg up on the couch (think dog taking a leak on a fire hydrant....i know, I know....) definitely hits a spot. Simply put, there is a spot he can hit that I never knew existed before and I usually have an orgasm at least three times doing intercourse. I guess he found that spot during oral sex, using his fingers, because if he hits it I can keep going, and going, and going..... I could be thinking about the dust on the ceiling fan but if he hits that certain spot, it's curtains LOL. I've heard for some women, using a wedge or propping your butt up on a pillow can allow easier access to the spot..... Basically, if he doesn't hit that certain spot, it's hard to climax.....but if he hits it then it doesn't matter if I am even in the mood or not, it does the trick.....


OFFTOPIC (and surely can be moderated out), but is it against the forum rules to admit that reading this gave me a boner? 
edit:
I know how to hush the moderators - a bit of info! kl84, you may be referring to A Spot


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

20 Minutes is quite a long time to be performing oral on a person ,whether male or female.
I think the problem is that the OP's husband does not take enough time to " warm her up."
Males usually respond faster to oral than females. With some females the excitement and desire has to build in her mind firstly then oral works.
If both partners are accustomed with each other's sexual response , then a comfort zone exist and its easier for her to get off, because " the orgasmic path" already exists in her mind.

In other words, if she looks forward to having sex with him because of her being sexually satisfied in the past , then its becomes easier for her to orgasm. 
But when she is disappointed everytime, having an orgasm becomes more difficult.

To the OP, you and your husband may need to start from the beginning.
Explore each other's body and find out what actually turns you on, and at exactly what time.
Massages , shower etc. You lead his hands.
Instead of him zeroing in on the genitals ,establish an 
" orgasmic pathway "that actually builds sexual desire, and leads to the climax


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If he won't give you what you want and need, you need to stop giving him what he wants and needs.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

That's good advice. He needs to build my arousal first.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

The only way I can get my wife to come is with her on top, that way she has more control over the procedure.

I've tried to get her to log in to TAM to give you her info on what she does but she has'nt yet. She thinks what she says may not be relevant to you as she is late 40s.

By the way Sara Ann I must thank you on a fantastic sex session last night due to one of your earlier posts, I think it was

"does your wife come before you" or something like that.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Why wouldn't her advice be relevant?

Glad I could be of help to you and your wife. What did I say that was helpful to you?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Well I showed her the thread you started about 'does your wife come before you' to see if she could tell me what she does to make herself cum while on top.
What she does is adopt cowgirl, then when I am nicely lodged inside she humps me for about a minute, and then lays on top of me full stretch and brings her legs on top of mine and then tenses all the muscles in her vaginal area and really grinds down on my penis and groin area. I sometimes assist her by grabbing her arse and pulling down to increase the pressure. She might do this two to three times during a session.

Anyways what happened is she was reading the thread and I went to scroll down further for her and she said "no" she was enjoying reading all the posts. After about the third or fourth page she said "this is getting me quite horny"

So a little later we went to bed and boy did she do a number on me. I'm very noisy during sex and extremely loud when I cum to the extent that she very often puts her hand over my mouth when I shoot. My youngest son arrived home halfway through the session and was "grossed out" by the noises emanating from the bedroom.
This morning my wife had some bruising on her legs which she attributes to our boisterous bonking last night.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I actually think a 20 min limit is not bad, he just shouldn't share that limit with you. Licking p*ssy can be tiring, trust me If he sets a 20 min limit then he should have an internal clock, and when that 20mins is up should switch to toys/fingers.


Can you try it the other way around? If you know that it takes you 45 minutes to orgasm, why doesn't he start with his fingers first, or you can stimulate yourself first, then after 25 minutes, he can switch to oral for the last 20 minutes until you orgasm. 



Caribbean Man said:


> To the OP, you and your husband may need to start from the beginning.
> Explore each other's body and find out what actually turns you on, and at exactly what time.
> Massages , shower etc. You lead his hands.
> Instead of him zeroing in on the genitals ,establish an
> " orgasmic pathway "that actually builds sexual desire, and leads to the climax


:iagree:

Start fresh. Take the time to learn each other's erogenous zones. Explore new ones that you didn't know you had. Teach him where he can touch you that will turn you on always. Learn about his body as though you'd never touched it before. 

Re your orgasm time, if I'm having trouble getting there, I squeeze and hold my pc muscles during clit stimulation. I don't know if you've tried doing Kegels to strengthen those muscles and use them while you masturbate?


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