# I can't believe this is even a complaint.



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tackle one mountain at a time.

Love those compliments. He is trying. 

And compliment him on his complementary tone.

Next year, both of you need to sit down and decide how the money is spent.

Kids needs come first. 

You spent 600 dollars on duds. He spent 400 dollars on dalliances? Sounds even to me.

Even to a tightwad like me. No, I would give my last dollar to my loved ones......to the rest of humanity? Not much. 

Money is means to an end, not an end in itself.

Oh, put some money away for retirement. It arrives quickly.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

The new jackets for the kids must have come in handy with the snow you just received. Did you take them outside to play?

Ok. What part of you are a wonderful mom and wife isn't true?

And iirc you did say you were a 10, so that means his comment on your looks was correct. 

I think in the past he said mean things to purposely hurt you - because of his own insecurities and faults. 

So what did he spend the $400 on? Something for the family or something just for him.?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I cannot comment. I am discomboobulated.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It is very hard to recover from being cheated on especially when there was abuse. From reading on hear and other sites I think that is just the way it is.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> He has been so critical of me about those things in the past, and I don't know if i believe that he is still not thinking those horrible things. When he says NICE things it triggers me to remember when he thought the opposite, Makes me think he is lying. I want to believe him and feel flattered but i just feel like it's so insincere. Maybe it isn't. I just can't handle praise from him.
> 
> Is this normal? What can I do to not be so bothered by him complimenting me.


After I started R with my WW over 5 years ago, I had similar thoughts whenever she told me she loved me. While she was in her 2 year A and even some time before, she rarely, if ever told me. But she was saying it (or writing it) to the POSOM almost daily.

So, for a time, I perceived those as hollow words. But for a WS, better they be said and be perceived as disingenuous, than for them not to be said. 

Time. That's what it took. She continued to say it, and she has done her best to demonstrate it. Now, I actually believe her. 

I hope you'll eventually come to believe him as well.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Wait, $400 on a single chastity device? Or he spent $400 on seven different ones?

Have you considered allocating to each of you a monthly "allowance" to spend on personal stuff like this? If my partner was spending large amounts of money without discussing it with me and it was disrupting our financial health, I would be taking away all access to everything and giving him an allowance instead.

For people who are into kink and BDSM, the ability to act on these desires and be accepted is really important to their emotional well-being. That you have become more accepting of his kinks is great. But he also needs to understand that his kink isn't more important that the financial health of his family--and right now he's acting like it's more important. How long has he been exploring this? Sometimes "newbies" are so excited that they can finally express themselves sexually in a way which they've always repressed, that they exhibit a sort of "frenzied" behavior that can sometimes border on obsessive, and that may be what your husband is going through. If so, this phase usually passes. BUT... if this has been going on for a while, you need to put a stop to it. And given his inclination towards chastity devices, he may actually be looking for you to dominate him. So he might actually dig it if you put him on a short leash, metaphorically, by bringing down the hammer in regards to finances.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> No he spent like 250$ on the new device and the rest on other SECONDARY toys. all for BDSM and sex play. Totaled to be like almost 400$ with shipping.
> 
> He has been at this for 5 years. This is not new excitement. He does need a new device if the OTHERS are bothering him so much.... I don't know if he is like a girl with shoes only its a blocker? but i would have been absolutely understanding had he mentioned. HEY I'm going to buy this. its almost 400$. i would have probably grumbled but it would not have been a problem if he had run it by me. And if he had I would only have bought two new bras and NO NEW CLOTHES.
> 
> ...


Yes, this sh!t can get expensive... I have learned you have to pay for quality when it comes to this stuff. And it is something of a specialized market, so there is not a huge selection that will force competitive pricing.

You need to have a come-to-Jesus discussion with him about finances. You may have to put him on an allowance if he can't be responsible. I hate to say that, but some adults simply aren't responsible and they need someone to rein them in.

And you also need to have a sit down with him and discuss what the parameters of D/s means for the two of you, when it comes into play and when it doesn't. And some subs don't always find it easy to submit--they have to swallow their pride and make themselves submit. Or he might be a little bit of a Brat, which requires extra work on the Dom/me's part. I think it's harder for men who want to be submissive, because they are fighting against social expectations and what they've been conditioned to be by their parents and our culture. Some men are submissive sexually, but are very dominant in the rest of their lives. That can be difficult to balance and difficult to reconcile.

PM me if you want to talk more and don't want to carry on the convo publicly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> > So he might actually dig it if you put him on a short leash, metaphorically, by* bringing down the hammer* in regards to finances.
> 
> 
> Oh, God please !!
> ...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> FeministInPink said:
> 
> 
> > Oh, God please !!
> ...


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## Empty Shell of a Man (Jan 30, 2017)

threelittlestars said:


> My husband has been doing well in being calm and not ....well a jerk.
> 
> Reconciliation is going well in most every way I can think of.
> 
> ...



This is something to consider. 

The "Facebook Effect" is a bit of an insider's joke. 

The more public the praise of the spouse, the more guilt. 

Enough public proclamations of love means divorce is not far away. 

It goes back to deep projection and the need to 'tell the world' --- I can't go too deeply in it, but basically it says that what he did not do privately, he has a need to broadcast. 

delivery room nurses can predict which mother will be investigated by child protective based upon boasting...good parents are too exhausted to boast.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

threelittlestars said:


> Oh he does likes MANY forms of domination, Some include pain, but most its mental anguish he enjoys.
> 
> Without getting into to too many details This purchase was not him crying out for me to punish him. Just two days before I had asked him if he wanted to be kinky. He turned me down then saying he wanted normal....VANILLA sex. I shrugged. Whatever. But then he buys a device. This is some mixed messages for me.


DH's desire to be Dom or submissive is very mood dependent. So is mine. The one constant is that, eventually, we'll want to play. If there is a particular toy or device we'd like to have, we'll buy it to have it on hand the next time we want to play, even if that may be days or weeks away.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> DH's desire to be Dom or submissive is very mood dependent. So is mine. The one constant is that, eventually, we'll want to play. If there is a particular toy or device we'd like to have, we'll buy it to have it on hand the next time we want to play, even if that may be days or weeks away.


Agreed on all counts. Kinky people don't have kinky sex all the time. Sometimes, the kinky gets so everyday that vanilla seems deviant in its own way.

My partner and I will buy toys for future use, when we want them and are in the mood... they don't always get used right away. My favorite toys are the ones that are used sparingly, because my partner saves them for a special treat.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> Oh he does likes MANY forms of domination, Some include pain, but most its mental anguish he enjoys.
> 
> Without getting into to too many details This purchase was not him crying out for me to punish him. Just two days before I had asked him if he wanted to be kinky. He turned me down then saying he wanted normal....VANILLA sex. I shrugged. Whatever. But then he buys a device. This is some mixed messages for me. But hey, I getting to where I care little about those details. I do care when it comes to money. And the fact that I'm sick and tired of being BROKE!
> 
> And BTW, i have found a job where I can work from home. Im not going to go into details now because I am not sure how well it will work for me. No income yet but I hope to be bringing in about 500$ more a month in the next 2 months. And no...Im not still selling makeup or any other type of MLM business.


Respectfully, 3 little stars, it seems like this would be easy enough to solve. You just assume the domme role and let him know how it is going to be. It sounds like he would lap that up.

Are you okay with taking responsibility for the relationship like that? Have you read much about what it means to be a domme?


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

"He is looking for domination, but he is TERRIBLY sporadic about it. If I take the reigns he doesn't like it. HE IS A VERY BAD SUBMISSIVE, but that tis what he wants to be.... When I say he is bad, he is also a bit domineering in ways and he can't seem to actually submit."

Subs like this are called BRATS. lol I remember looking up those chastity devices once upon a time. Some come with little spikes inside! Yikes! 

As to your original talk of not believing he means it when he compliments you, it's quite possible that he doesn't and he's just faking it till he makes it. Eventually, with healing, he'll come to find that he does really mean it. Just a theory!


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

threelittlestars said:


> He has been so critical of me about those things in the past, and I don't know if i believe that he is still not thinking those horrible things. When he says NICE things it triggers me to remember when he thought the opposite, Makes me think he is lying. I want to believe him and feel flattered but i just feel like it's so insincere. Maybe it isn't. I just can't handle praise from him.


I kind of have the same issue. My H criticizes women's looks all.the.time, like I'm his best buddy or something. So I think, well what does he think about ME? He assures me he doesn't think those things about me, but that's just impossible.



> So instead of matching it which I have done in the past I almost doubled it. I spent 600$ on clothes for myself. (I REALLY NEEDED)
> 
> He commented that it really hurts us financially when I do this. And i shot back at him that NO....his impulsiveness really hurts our finances and this is the only way I can make him feel the burn.


Good job!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> I have assumed the dom roll. COMPLETELY....and he eats it up for maybe a week (He does enjoy it, but its short lived.) but then he just wants things to go back to normal, and to be honest I can't switch it on and off to well. And he is so hard to dominate when he does not want to be. It gets not so good.... I have read a few books on BDSM and BDSM and relationships. Read a good size handful of articles and participated in a BDSM forum that helps to educate. I no longer frequent that place. Got tired of the guys saying my man was a bad sub and I could do better and I just got tired of that. that they were perfect subs and would send me unsolicited d picks. ....i just don't know how to solve this.
> 
> Im a little unable to preform in the way he wants, and I cringe at the probability of issues with him. After about a week of full Domination he starts breaking and the ******* that I hate starts coming out. Its not like he wants to go back to normal, its like a very aggressive side of him is triggered after about 7-10 days... and to be honest...He has made me a little worried. Once he has been aggressive and asserted his dominance he goes back to normal...
> 
> ...


BDSM generally doesn't work well if the underlying vanilla relationship isn't healthy, and you guys definitely have some unhealthy dynamics going on.

It also sounds like he doesn't want the constant D/s, he may only want it in certain situations. Or he could be a switch.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> Oh he is a switch. He has wanted to choke me, tie me up, do...a lot to me that I find a bit disturbing to me, and when I was in the role of dom early on I was disturbed by what he wanted me to do, but have grown more comfortable in the play.
> *
> I feel bad that i am unable to be submissive to him, but i just can't now after knowing he cheated.* I tried before I knew about his cheating. I let him tie me up, choke me and let him hit me a few times. BUT that was when i thought i had a loving FAITHFUL husband with a kinky side.
> 
> Now, he knows very clearly I will NEVER submit to him. i don't want to and only did it before because I felt safe enough....now I DONT.


Of course you can't. Submitting to another person in such a fashion requires a great deal of trust, and once that trust has been broken, it is very hard to get it back.

There is also a lot about BDSM that is about the sensation and not the pain aspect. Perhaps there are some other things that the two of you could try that would allow him to be in control, but don't involve impact play or actual restraint/bondage.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Was H seeking to be dominated by the OW? Is that why he sought her/them out?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Was H seeking to be dominated by the OW? Is that why he sought her/them out?


That's a good question.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

threelittlestars said:


> No he did look for domination about a year into his surf for strange sex. He didn't ever meet any woman, and found frustration with online BDSM. PS...i was a more willing submissive and a dominator BEFORE the DDAY...so its not making sense that he was looking for a willing BDSM partner. I was more willing back then than I am now.
> 
> At first it was about sex. I am his one and only sex partner. Same for me.
> 
> ...




So he was looking for online BDSM? Thought so.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

225985 said:


> So he was looking for online BDSM? Thought so.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> No he did look for domination about a year into his surf for strange sex. He didn't ever meet any woman, and found frustration with online BDSM. PS...i was a more willing submissive and a dominator BEFORE the DDAY...so its not making sense that he was looking for a willing BDSM partner. I was more willing back then than I am now.
> 
> At first it was about sex. I am his one and only sex partner. Same for me.
> 
> ...


Some people who are new to the kink/BDSM scene have a lot of misconceptions about it--like all the women are promiscuous and will have sex with anyone. Perhaps BDSM wasn't his motivation for cheating, but he may have thought it would be easier to find an affair partner in that world, or maybe he thought that if he was going to cheat he was going to go all out kink and avoid vanilla sex/women. But women in the scene can see a man just looking for sex a mile away, and they shut that sh!t down (unless, of course, they are looking for easy sex).

It may be that as he was discovering these new desires and turn-ons that he started thinking about the sexual escapades and adventures that he missed by being with only one woman (not to say that he actually missed out on any adventures, it's more the fantasy of possibility). It's much easier in the kink world for women to find play partners than it can be for men, especially men who sub or switch. Of course, there's a higher risk for women (in terms of predators, rape, abuse), which is one of the reasons many women in the scene are so selective when choosing partners.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Don't take offense when none was meant. 

This not know it all has been following you and supporting you for a year. 

Oh well. Good luck Stars.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Don't take offense when none was meant.
> 
> This not know it all has been following you and supporting you for a year.
> 
> Oh well. Good luck Stars.


You're sometimes a know-it-all 

I kid, I kid.
@threelittlestars I don't think blueinbr meant anything mean by that comment, I think he just mean that your comment confirmed what he was already thinking, that your husband was seeking out an online affair partner, and he did seek out online BDSM at least once, even if he didn't find it fulfilling.

Am I correct in this?

blueinbr is a man of few words, which sometimes makes his posts a little cryptic. (No offense, man, just what I see.)


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Same here. I know quite a few people in the BDSM scene  Nothing like getting a new toy here and there that is well made.

One fun I had with the wife and friends at a BDSM venue, meet a woman in her mid-20s with a guy-friend. She is a "Dominatrix" to be, so a DOM friend and I are talking with her - as helping out newbies is the norm. As typical of late, she had her IDEAS from 50 shades of Grey. Her idea of Dominatrix was a fantasy. We scared her off after showing her some of the ropes and equipment to try out. Any real DOM would have been like "Wow, that is great - tell me more". Hell, I've dated a Dominatrix once. Subby guys would pick that up and she'd put them in their place. Made me smile. I was amused after we broke up and had two guys come up to me and tell me how she was doing but were scared that it might get back to them as she never scared me. She was intense for sure. But not quite long-term material. She was one of the few women in my life I actually feel in love with.

BDSM isn't for everyone. But rather a sick joke, 50shades of grey is a huge business in selling high-priced, yet cheap mass-produced BDSM toys from china. These are for those couples who want to skim the surface and flog someone a few times until the toy flogger breaks on its 3rd use. I saw a display of that junk and laughed - and even the lady that worked at the sex shop rolled her eyes about it. But it sells. Tip: Amazon sells 20 piece junk sets for $15. Stick on the 50shades Logo and black box and its $75. PS: Since the new movie is coming out - its a story about a very abusive man with issues. I couldn't stomach past 40 minutes when it was on HBO.


Oh, threelittlestars : sorry to go off the rails a bit. you brought BDSM - just adding to it a bit.  I think your husband is realizing how good of a wife you are, that he wasn't seeing it or expressing himself before.
Before her cheating, while I thought highly of my wife - I rarely expressed it. But today, we are more expressive of our love. We touch each other more today, even in passing. And I too, was concerned that her words were hollow - which they were during false R. 

I talk more about my feelings with her. Like how I feel when she is asleep and I am finally able to go to bed and sleep next to her. I don't like it gushing, myself. I am still more about expression than just words. That is how I am. But I have to remind myself that SHE needs to hear it at well and showing her in a way she can recognize but ALSO she has learned/learning how I show it.

How I think about her today, is different and better in many ways than before. I think it goes both ways.


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