# just cant forget



## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

Make a long story short, wife had EA for one year and was physical once(she says)....found out two months ago and i still can not let it go....How can i forive or forget that she allowed another man to sexually be with her....That was mine and she gave it away. I read post on here and am surprised to see just how many people can move past it,(please, i am in no way being judgemental of anyone) I sometimes question if i am being a hard*** but on the other hand, i have some strong beleifs....dk..


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

FO3: My wife has never cheated in any way, but I'm with you man, if she ever did I know myself and it would be basically impossible for me to let it go.

I know myself pretty well and I am NEVER a vindictive person, but in that realm I know I'd end up cheating on her just to hurt her and then leave her.

I'm not a jealous person, but she is and at the beginning of our marriage she was HORRIBLY jealous even though I gave her no reason to be (she's a lot better now), after all that crap she put me through if I found out SHE had cheated I would do something back just to be mean.

So long story short, you have some very normal feelings right now, if you want to keep it together then you just to give it time, 2 months won't do it.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Fatherof3:

Yes, I DO undestand how you feel. When my husband confessed his affair, I could hardly look at him. It made me physically ill to look at his hands and know they had intimately touched another woman. I had to come up with ways to replace the image of THEM in my mind with other things everytime it crossed my mind....and in those first few weeks, it crossed my mind constantly! 

Everyone heals at a different pace, and your wound is fresher than mine (almost 5 months for me), but some food for thought:

You WILL eventually heal from this pain, either WITH or WITHOUT your wife...........wouldn't you rather it be with her? It sure sounds like you love her. 

And for what it's worth, a lot of us who post on here ARE doing good, ARE finding a better relationship after an affair......but that doesn't mean we don't still hurt from the betrayal....just not as much as day 1. My husband and I talk about this a lot, and are glad that at least some good can come out of such a terrible situation.

Hang in there.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Father of 3, I completely understand what you are feeling. I am on the other side of this, it was my husband who had the affair and it is the worst pain anyone can experience. 

Please don't think that posters on here are just "getting over it" and moving on without serious consideration first. And please don't feel like you have to either stay in your marriage or leave based on what posters here say or people in your life tell you what to do. Most people are well meaning but everyone and every situation is different. I think a lot depends on you, your spouse and what happened in your case.

If I had listened to all my friends/family, I would be in the middle of a divorce right now. However, my husband and I decided to salvage our marriage. And like 'blindsided' said in the post before this one, at least some good is also coming out of a bad situation for my husband and me. It has been 3 months for me and while the pain is still there, quite strongly at times, but we are building an entirely different and better marriage as a result.

I guess what I am saying is that don't rush to make a decision until YOU have decided what you want to do. Don't let others or other situations that you hear about sway you. Your decision is your own (and your wife's). Good luck to you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is a serial cheater and verbally abusive. Are you going to allow you children to grow up in that type of atmosphere. Just what type of mate do you think they will choose? They will choose what they know. An abusive one. Do not sentence your children to that.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Duration, How do you know she is a serial cheater? do you know this couple? :scratchhead:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Martino, no I don't know this couple. But I did read his first post which he said he has caught her twice. To me that is a serial cheater. Considering how father of 3 can't believe her about what happened. This is also all he has found out about.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

A book I am reading may help you or anyone else trying to recover from an affair...I am part way through it right now, and so far it is a little boring, but has a lot of excellent points and questions to ask yourself....it also helps you know your feelings are all pretty common, and you're NOT going crazy (at least thats what I was thinking of myself!)

After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring

Best of luck...Cheating is HORRIBLE!!!


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

There are some good tools out there that help manage through the feelings of finding your spouce cheating. I would recomend these. You need to heal reguardless of your decision to stay or go.
I recomend stay. Just like others have said, good has come out of my situtation. My marriage now is what is was meant to be. It took a lot to recover (from me and my wife).

Duration - a divorce also teaches a kid that vows don't mean much, and running is an acceptable option. I do agree in the situtation of violance (personal safety) - but short of that.....just my opinion.

Good luck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wonderful the kids will learn how to live with angry people. And cheaters. I guess if you did not look at all the data of how kids learn the dynamics of adulthood by watching their parents. But they won't be quitters, so their kids can be raised dysfunctional. Just when do you think the un-learn this type of verbal abuse?


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Wow - a little bitter. I don't mean to be agressive or argue with you. What I am for - and very clearly for is a strong marriage. I think the best thing a parent can do for their child is to love their spouce. Yes I agree it has to be both ways, etc. 
I wouldn't want to live in a marriage that isn't happy. I advocate working on the marriage to get it there.

T


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

I understand that there are some out here who can move past infidelity, i am just one who at this point in my life can say that No i can't. As Initfordur stated, the first time i found out was kissing some guy and the second was sexual. I think sometimes W makes it worse by little comments made that infuriate me. She says she knows what she did was wrong, But, i made a comment about her screwing around and she said i wasn't screwing around, it was just one time......wtf......also made a comment about adultry and she said she didnt commit adultry. Seems to be a law in this state where one incident of sexual misconduct for less than two weeks does not mean adultry.....Hard to beleive but it's true....So it's even harder to move past something dealing with this type of non-logical thinking........


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> Wow - a little bitter. I don't mean to be agressive or argue with you. What I am for - and very clearly for is a strong marriage. I think the best thing a parent can do for their child is to love their spouce. Yes I agree it has to be both ways, etc.
> I wouldn't want to live in a marriage that isn't happy. I advocate working on the marriage to get it there.
> 
> T


I would agree that the best thing a parent can do for a child is love their spouse. I experienced a dysfunctional family as a child. And seriously, if it wasn't for my wife and church there is no way I would have made it to our 29th anniversary. But what if one spouse loves and the other verbally abuses? Should the spouse that loves, simply enable the other to continue in that dynamic? With the kids suffering the whole time.


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

Tgolbus.
I agree with you, a strong marriage....but when two people don't beleive in the same values, hold their marriage to the same standard as each, how can one just forgive and NOW make the marriage strong...People make mistakes, yes, we are all human, and i can't sit here and tell you if my W had been the best W and mother she could be that i couldn't forgive her, my situation just isn't quite that simple.....I can say this, i am the last person i thought would ever be going through what is happening to me... Here in my neck of the woods, which is quite close to you, family values run strong....I guess i just didnt' pick the right one....


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Exactly fatherof3, My children are 27 and 23. I have told them if you want to see what the guy or girl your dating is going to be like married, meet their parents. Do they argue and fight? Do they respect each other? Are they in love? These are critical points when considering a mate.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my ex constantly cheated on me and thankfully i got my life back when we split up. of course there are stil emotions and turbulent times. were human. 
there are ppl out there who wont exceed the boundaries of a marriage - infidelity . (it simply isnt my nature). last yr my H had a one night stand. but the ONS is stil different to constant affairs, more issues and boundaries are crossed.
i mean this was hard enough for me after 13 yrs and then OMG .
so yes a shocker that has dimished trust issues. 
but my guess as with my ex - he has stil never stopped. its just his nature.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

fatherof3 said:


> Make a long story short, wife had EA for one year and was physical once(she says)....found out two months ago and i still can not let it go....How can i forive or forget that she allowed another man to sexually be with her....That was mine and she gave it away. I read post on here and am surprised to see just how many people can move past it,(please, i am in no way being judgemental of anyone) I sometimes question if i am being a hard*** but on the other hand, i have some strong beleifs....dk..



Just hold on what you believe in.. and don't compare your situation to others, though it's all same cheating.. but the emotions involved are not that the same for most of us I should say. 
What I'm saying is, that don't force yourself into something that you really can't do for now. Moving on is a long time process.. step by step.. you'll get there soon.


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

Although i can't forget what has happened, why can't i tell her it's over...She ask me if there is a chance and i don't say no i just say i have no idea...I do Love her, is that why? I just don't look at her the same, i have built a reinforced concrete wall between us emotionally...I don't hate her, i deeply care about her, she hasn't given up yet, and maybe that's what im waiting for....She tries really hard to do Everything right, i just can't get it out of my head....For every good thought i have, they are replaced by 4 bad ones....Sometimes the ability to reason has a negative impact....Time,Time,Time....


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

When some look at their cheating spouse they see the woman/husband they married. When some look at their cheating spouse they see someone they don't even know. If your wife is saying that by a technicality, that she has not committed adultery. Why can't you accept it? Because it has nothing to do with the law, it has everything to do with your vows. Eleven months while she was having an affair, she shared your bed. She thought of him when you made love to her. She took what was yours and gave it to another man. She cuckolded you. And now she is trying to convince you that it wasn't adultery? Most marriages cannot get past adultery. The ones that do, there is brokeness, sorrow, confession, and contrition. Because she broke no law, she feels that you are obligated to forgive her AGAIN. It's like she put the burden of reconciliation on you. I don't think that is your burden to carry. File and get the children. JMHO


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

Exactly.....I feel such a burden on me, because she is leaving this up to me, which makes it ten times worse....I'm telling you, i could handle her saying she doesnt want,love, or care for me anymore....Honestly i could deal with that...But to look at me and ask,beg,plead with me not to give up is a double whammy....i have to deal with the cheating, and the decision to let my family go at the same time....MISERABLE...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya well it is up to you and if you cant move on from it then dont stay cause it will just disolve regardless just slower and more painful. I am sorry to hear that but remember we are all human and have all had the thought of cheating. But you have to bite your arm and not do it. Yes you will miss being with other people its like telling someone that they can only have one flavor ice cream for the rest of there life and well sometimes you want a differant flavor. But you have to remember why you got married what you love about each other and keep it like you are still dating. I am sure there is a reason she broke away talk and figure that out. And if she just did it for the thrill say goodbye cause its not worth the heart ach.


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

I understand the concept that we are all humans, and we ALL make mistakes...However, what is the definition of mistake... I don't think a planned out evening rendevouz at a hotel can be classified as a mistake......That to me is called premeditated desire....As you stated, i do think some people do grapple with the ice cream theory, i am one who just sees it a little different...Of course people are attracted to the opposite sex, it's human nature.It seems that society today is willing to accept so much more in the way of marriage boundaries ....I guess my views are more shall we say old fashioned....


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

fatherof3 said:


> I understand the concept that we are all humans, and we ALL make mistakes...However, what is the definition of mistake... I don't think a planned out evening rendevouz at a hotel can be classified as a mistake......That to me is called premeditated desire....As you stated, i do think some people do grapple with the ice cream theory, i am one who just sees it a little different...Of course people are attracted to the opposite sex, it's human nature.It seems that society today is willing to accept so much more in the way of marriage boundaries ....I guess my views are more shall we say old fashioned....


fatherof3, I don't know if it so much society being more accepting in terms of marriage boundaries, it's just that I think more people today are willing to consider staying in a marriage after an affair has happened. Of course it depends on the people involved and the actual situation. 

Oddly enough, while divorce was still a bit taboo 30-40 years ago, an affair was still a perfectly reasonable, even expected, reason to divorce back then. These days, divorce is more common than ever but it seems like more people try to salvage their marriage after an affair than they would have a generation ago, despite the current divorce rate. 

Only YOU can decide what to do about the future of your marriage. Don't let others-with the exception of your spouse-decide what is best for you!


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## nascarfan (Feb 9, 2009)

You said you found out 2 months ago? That is still pretty fresh. It took me a year before I was over the thinking about it everyday and the "I want to effing kill someone for this" anger. If the both of you decide to work it out, it will take time for you to get past it, but it is possible. I was given some great advice by my sister when I was going through it, if you can't eventually forgive then you need to move on. Provided that your wife really does want to work on your marraige. You can as a couple get past it with lots of hard work and time, you will never be the same but you can move past it.

HTH


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Hate to break it but you are going to have those days when you are just PISSED and want to hurt your spouse verbally cause they hurt you so bad. SUCKS!


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