# Wife is emotional and I made a mistake...



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

First, I’m glad I’ve found this place. I’ve learned a lot lurking around, and tried to give some advice to a few people in the process. Glad I came across this.

Now, for my problem, which is what brought me here to begin with, starting with some background (sorry if this gets too long).

My wife and I have been married for about 3 years and together about 6 and we’ve been having some problems. I’m 27 and she is 24. To start with, my wife has some anxiety and depression problems. She is on paxel right now, and the problems have gotten better over the years, but still persist. They stem from a combination of child hood experiences and a past boyfriend. My wife’s mother ditched out on her, her sister and her father when my wife was 3 years old (her sister was only 3 months). Just kind of up and left. Her Dad was young and he loved her and tried his best, but wasn’t the best at raising to little girls on his own into adulthood. Her mother is a real piece of work. She lives only 45 minutes away, but just doesn’t really care. Her mother didn’t come to our wedding, has never met her grandkids, and actually, probably doesn’t even know my or my kid’s names. Also, her last boyfriend was a piece of work to. He abused her, mainly verbally, but occasionally physically. He got her pregnant, which my wife honestly thinks she slipped her some type of date rape drug, because she doesn’t ever remember having sex during that time. She left him after she found out she was pregnant. 

Her and I knew each other before we started dating. Actually dated in high school (she was younger than me) and we broke it off when I went on to college. We started semi-dating while she was pregnant. We took it slow due to the circumstances obviously, but I was around all the time when our son was born (ours, because I basically am his father) and we married a few years later when he was 3. 

Now, for the problems… My wife has always had emotional problems, which she admits. She won’t go see and actual counselor but was prescribed paxel by a doctor. She has a horrible self image of herself, even though she is absolutely beautiful. The first years were very trying on both of us. She knew hurt and abandonment, and still to this day, it seems like she is just waiting for the day for me to leave her. She always tells me that I don’t love her, no matter what I tell her or do for her. I’ll admit, I’m not the best communicator. My upbringing was a loving one, but it wasn’t very open. I had one of those family’s that didn’t tell each other you loved them, didn’t hug or kiss or anything. I was fine with it. I knew they loved me, and that was enough. This enhanced a lot of our problems, but we made it through…

Fast forward… after several years of what felt like paying for other peoples mistakes. I made a couple myself. First, under a year ago, we got into some financial troubles. She wanted to go back to college because she was not happy with her current profession (beautician). So, I am holding the only job. She would get so depressed about money, to the point of bringing herself to tears every other night, I kept a lot of it from her… thinking I was saving her from the stress. When it finally became evident to her, she was rightfully upset with me that I would hide stuff from her. Super pissed. 

We made it through that with a lot of work, now I made another mistake. I belong to another forum that is tight knit like this one. I knew a lot of the members there for several years and would talk about things all the time. One thing I would do is if I was frustrated with my wife or anything else, I would go on there to vent about it. To me, it was kind of talking things out with a group of my guy friends. Well, she got into my computer and was going through my history, and decided to go through all of my posts in this forum, and she was pissed. A lot of the venting obviously was not always put in the most eloquent ways, so now she thinks I hate her and despise her. She is so upset that she thinks she can’t trust me and that I don’t love her and she doesn’t think she can be with me because I’m just going to hurt her like everyone else. She about made me move out to start with. She said she couldn’t trust me and I was hiding things again. 

This happened a week ago, and things have been up and down dramatically in that short time frame. First couple days, she hated me. She thought I should leave, that she needed time alone, I told her if that’s what she wanted, I would. But when I got ready to leave, she stopped me. Then she would be happier. A few nights ago, it seemed as though everything was getting better. She was happy all day, and that night, we had AMAZING sex, that she initiated. Then last night, she was really bad again. She started off being depressed about herself. I came into the living room after doing my workout in the garage and she was almost in tears, on the computer, looking up websites on plastic surgery. 

I tried to talk to her, but when she is in her depression mode, she is extremely stubborn. I tried to tell her how beautiful she was, and she very angrily would tell me to shut up and that I was just a liar. Then it transferred to her life being horrible, and that she’s never going to be happy. Her kids hate her. She can’t give them a good life. Then it’s like it transferred over towards our last fight. I told her that I would do anything to show her. She got very mean with me, She told me that she’s doesn’t think it’s going to work, and she’s not going to do anything, that everything is up to me. She told me that our marriage was a mistake, her kids were a mistake. I didn’t know what to say…. I tried to talk to her more, I offered for us to go to counseling, but she got more angry, told me she didn’t want to talk, and then rolled over to go to sleep.

Wow, this is long… and sadly, there is a lot more I could add, but basically, I’m at a loss here. I love her more than anything, but I don’t know what to do to make things better. I don’t know if I can handle the rollercoaster much longer. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells and I’m not sure what to do. I’m about ready to leave work, and I’m not sure what I will be walking into when I get home. Happy wife or depressed wife?

Anything at all would be appreciated.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

First off you know your wife needs professional help. She is not a bad person but very insecure. She will need to deal with the past as well as these insecurities. You’ve made some mistakes that caused the distrust. This can improve but it will take her time. I know you are short on time an so am I so I will say this for tonight. As hard as it is to ride the emotional rollercoaster, you need to grin and bare it. You need to be the strong and steady one for her now. You must be the rock for her to hold onto. Talk and communicate with her sure, but show your love and dedication in your actions.


----------



## devanescence (Jan 7, 2009)

Im actually dealing with a lot of the sames things with my mom, who got married at the same age as your wife, and had me right away. She's still like that 25 years later, and now it's affecting my relationship with my mom. Be sure to spend time with her to get things off of her mind, make her feel relaxed and talk things out with her. My mom is currently off her meds and it's at a point where its very difficult to ask her about seeing a doctor and getting on some other type of medicine, because she acts the same way you say your wife is. All I can say is tell her that you are worried about her and you want to have her check-in with a doc about her medication and her being upset. because you love her and worry about her health. I hope things get better for you


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Thanks guys.

We tried to talk last night. It's just so hard to talk to her. She gets so defensive about everything. She basically told me that it's my fault and she isn't going to do anything to make things better. It's all on me. She shouldn't have took me back the last time, out marriage was a mistake and that she's never going to trust me again. And that she wants to make me hurt.

Her exact words to me were: "If I want to be with her, that she is going to be a ***** to me and I'm going to have to deal with it"

Then she told me she didn't want me in the house, so I packed up some stuff, and was going to go stay at a motel. I was on the road about 15 minutes and she called and decided she wanted me to come home. 

When we got home, she yelled at me some more. I offered to do counseling, anything, and she would just get more mad. Then at about 1 in the morning, we kind of started talking a little more and things seemed better like we took a positive step. But we did that a few days ago, and then she just turned again a day later... so I don't know what will happen when I get home again today.

I've tried for years to get her to go see somebody. It was a miracle that a doctor even got her on Paxil to begin with. Even though she stopped taking it a while back because she said it made her fat. 

My biggest thing is, as much as I love her and want to be with her, I don't know if I can handle this much longer. I'm emotionally, mentally and physically drained from the last 6 years or so. I just don't know if I can take much more.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GPR said:


> My biggest thing is, as much as I love her and want to be with her, I don't know if I can handle this much longer. I'm emotionally, mentally and physically drained from the last 6 years or so. I just don't know if I can take much more.


I'm a lot like your wife, or i used to be. reading your posts reminds me of a lot of the fights my H and i had. 

you might have made some mistakes in the past, but the magnitude of her reaction is not b/c of you. you are the trigger. she freaks out towards you so much b/c you are proxy for her past hurt. It has to come out some place, and unfortunately you're it. 

its important to keep that in mind whenever her moods come. just remember that its not you, and you cant fix it. 

you have every right to need to walk away from her. i would even say her mood swings border on emotional abuse, albeit perhaps unknowingly on her part. she's taking out her frustrations on you. its okay to want to walk away from that. 

It has helped my H and I a lot to read about boundaries. i started to learn to respect him and not need him. i think that is a lesson your wife needs to learn. and you need to learn that you cannot fix her, nor should you hide how her behavior is affecting you. You can say no, and walk away.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Thanks a lot. It's good to have an alternate source on this.

I feel like now, since I screwed up, that I don't have the right to walk away. I knew how fragile she was, and I still screwed it up. 

One of her things is, she has this in her head that if I do certain things, then I don't love her. It's hard to go 6 years of you wife telling you that I don't really love her. If she was yelling at me, and I walked away right now, she would tell me it was because I don't love her and it's over. She doesn't forgive and/or forget easily. She still holds grudges against people that said mean things to her when she was 15 years old. It's like she holds that over me... I've worked so hard for so long, always trying to convince her that I love her, and now because of this one thing, she says that all of that means nothing to her, and that I don't love her. Nothing I've ever done means anything any more. It's all gone. That is a frustrating and difficult thing to take after the things I've done. 

And now I think that I have to be 100% perfect going forward. If I forget to tell her anything ever again, no matter how small, that she will get pissed off and want to break it off. And that's hard to take, because I forget things a LOT (I have ADD, which doesn't help). It feels like a huge amount of pressure. Like I said, I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. I've tried to explain this to her, and she tells me that she doesn't care, if I really loved her, then it shouldn't matter, I should never so something like this.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GPR said:


> I've worked so hard for so long, always trying to convince her that I love her, and now because of this one thing, she says that all of that means nothing to her, and that I don't love her. Nothing I've ever done means anything any more. It's all gone. That is a frustrating and difficult thing to take after the things I've done.


Ya i know my H would just be nodding his head in sympathy. I used to do that to my H all the time. 

I bet if your wife is anything like me, she see's in black and white. its either all good, or its all bad. there's no mixing, especially when it comes to anothers actions. this was a really difficult concept for me to get. and what it boils down to is trust. but even more, she is using you as her emotional foundation. that's not good. if she's ok with you, then she's ok. if she's not ok with you, then all hell breaks loose. 

She's basically a child around you. she doesnt really see you as a spouse, but as the emotional foundation that one generally gets from a parent. 



GPR said:


> And now I think that I have to be 100% perfect going forward. If I forget to tell her anything ever again, no matter how small, that she will get pissed off and want to break it off. And that's hard to take, because I forget things a LOT (I have ADD, which doesn't help). It feels like a huge amount of pressure. Like I said, I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. I've tried to explain this to her, and she tells me that she doesn't care, if I really loved her, then it shouldn't matter, I should never so something like this.


at some point you're going to have to take an emotional break from her. fear is driving you. the fear of losing her. your motivation should be peace, happiness for yourself. catering to her, trying to understand her, are not working. you cannot create peace in her. but you can start to work towards it yourself.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

While I understand your love and support for your wife I know it must be draining. If she is unwilling to go to counseling the problems will likely get worse. If her sole purpose in life with you is to hurt you then you know the path you must choose. But she continues to call you back when you call her bluff so she is not ready to let go or is too weak to face life on her own. You made small inroads with her in communication with her last night, build on that if possible but this will take time and at some time she will need professional help to improve further.

In order to help you emotionally try to practice a concept called agape love. Love her completely, love her wholly, but expect nothing in return from her at this time. Agape love is different from eros love in that it is not sexual, nor romantic in nature. Its nature is that of self sacrifice. Not that you need to be a martyr here. You can love her completely and still have boundaries and maintain your self respect. Agape love is also different from the other kinds of love in that you can choose it. You can elect to love her this way because it is what is best for her, your family and marriage. It is a giving of yourself for the betterment of the marriage. I practiced agape love for about a year with my wife after I received the “I no longer love you” speech. It helped me tremendously. Agape love can help you to “protect” yourself emotionally during this difficult time as you love her but expect nothing in return. Deadlines and timelines just fade away. Behaviors are better understood and empathy flourishes. It’s not for everyone but it sure helped us. Good luck.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

ljtseng said:


> Ya i know my H would just be nodding his head in sympathy. I used to do that to my H all the time.
> 
> I bet if your wife is anything like me, she see's in black and white. its either all good, or its all bad. there's no mixing, especially when it comes to anothers actions. this was a really difficult concept for me to get. and what it boils down to is trust. but even more, she is using you as her emotional foundation. that's not good. if she's ok with you, then she's ok. if she's not ok with you, then all hell breaks loose.
> 
> She's basically a child around you. she doesnt really see you as a spouse, but as the emotional foundation that one generally gets from a parent.


That's exactly spot on... She even said several things just like that during this ordeal. How she feels like her entire life is in ruins now and it's all my fault and that she is stupid if she takes me back. And that everything is now ruined. She cannot separate anything out in life, no matter what. 

And it sounds bad, but I do see the parent child thing there a lot. I feel like that sometimes, like I have to console her like a parent would have to console a child sometimes. 

And trying to talk to her about these things becomes impossible... she craves so much love and attention, yet will reject it when I give it to her, like she's waiting and expecting me to screw up, then gets upset or defensive when I disappoint her. Like she always is wanting me to show her I'm attracted to her, because she hates herself and her body. But when I do, she gets mad at me for doing it, calls me a liar, and tells me that I'm just saying it and don't mean it. And she gets pissed at me because other people think I'm a nice guy, and they think she is so mean, when she knows that I'm really a liar and can't be trusted. 




ljtseng said:


> at some point you're going to have to take an emotional break from her. fear is driving you. the fear of losing her. your motivation should be peace, happiness for yourself. catering to her, trying to understand her, are not working. you cannot create peace in her. but you can start to work towards it yourself.



I've thought that many times. Actually last night, even though she told me she wanted me to come back, I thought about just going on to the hotel for the night, just so I could have some time alone to think without the pressure of it all. I still think right now it probably would've been a good thing to do. 


But there is a catch here that makes it more difficult. Our oldest son is not my biological son, and I have never adapted him because the biological grandparents wouldn't allow it. So if we did end up seperating, I would have absolutely no rights to see him after 6 years of being in his life, and that scares me too... but she also uses that against me. She always tells me that I don't love her, and the only reason I stay is for the kids.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GPR said:


> How she feels like her entire life is in ruins now and it's all my fault and that she is stupid if she takes me back. And that everything is now ruined. She cannot separate anything out in life, no matter what.


I actually taught my H how to respond to me when i talk this way, which sometimes i regret...lol. He simply says "im sorry you feel that way." when your wife says this stuff, dont argue with her. you know it just gets her worked up. does she get verbally abusive?



GPR said:


> And it sounds bad, but I do see the parent child thing there a lot. I feel like that sometimes, like I have to console her like a parent would have to console a child sometimes.


Ya this is there with my H and I. its a very odd thing to work through. 



GPR said:


> And trying to talk to her about these things becomes impossible... she craves so much love and attention, yet will reject it when I give it to her, like she's waiting and expecting me to screw up, then gets upset or defensive when I disappoint her.


i was watching my niece the other day, and she wasnt feeling well. she's 3. she was overly tired, didnt feel good, and i kept offering things to try and help her feel better. she just got angrier, and angrier every time. eventually i just walked away and let her deal with it. i kind of laughed b/c it reminds me so much of me when i start my fits. i dont feel good, i dont know what i want, and i just get onery as hell when no one else does either. 

the hard part for me was learning to separate the emotion from the person. the minute you rush to her rescue, that is the minute you become responsible for how she is feeling; not just to her, but to yourself also. I would really suggest you start reading up on boundaries. 



GPR said:


> I've thought that many times. Actually last night, even though she told me she wanted me to come back, I thought about just going on to the hotel for the night, just so I could have some time alone to think without the pressure of it all. I still think right now it probably would've been a good thing to do.


You'll have to learn to act out of a love for yourself. there are many times i do things that royally piss my H off, and vise a versa. but since we've been reading boundary books together, i know im not responsible for his moods, and when i start to get into a mood, i know he's not responsible. and he knows he's not responsible anymore, which helps him a lot. he can do things for himself now without feeling guilty, b/c we're on the same page now. its still hard sometimes and i still want to blame him sometimes, and he still gets resentful a lot, but at least we both know we're wrong. 



GPR said:


> So if we did end up seperating, I would have absolutely no rights to see him after 6 years of being in his life, and that scares me too... but she also uses that against me. She always tells me that I don't love her, and the only reason I stay is for the kids.


Again, tell her 'sorry you feel that way.' there's really nothing else you can say right now b/c you are so confused right now. you're trapped in her emotional web and dont know what you love anymore, and even if you did she's manipulated you so badly that you might not want to admit it even if you did know it. 

im am so sorry to hear about the situation with your son. i can see how that would put a lot of emotional stress on you, and him. take it one day at a time, and know you did your best. you cant control everything.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I've gotten past feeling responsible for causing the actions, but she forces me to be responsible for fixing them. 

And now, with me having made a mistake, I feel like I don't have a right to be questioning her at this point in time. 

And what you said about loving yourself, my mom gave that same speech not too long ago. It's amazing how smart and intuitive mothers can be even when her kids are adults themselves. My mom can see what's going on. She loves my wife and realizes her issues. My wife actually has confided in my mother a lot, since she really doesn't have her own mother. But she can see what I've been going through, and in her words "She's loves my wife, but her son is still her priority" and she said the same thing, that I can't just live without loving myself and have to put myself first every once in a while.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> While I understand your love and support for your wife I know it must be draining. If she is unwilling to go to counseling the problems will likely get worse. If her sole purpose in life with you is to hurt you then you know the path you must choose. But she continues to call you back when you call her bluff so she is not ready to let go or is too weak to face life on her own. You made small inroads with her in communication with her last night, build on that if possible but this will take time and at some time she will need professional help to improve further.
> 
> In order to help you emotionally try to practice a concept called agape love. Love her completely, love her wholly, but expect nothing in return from her at this time. Agape love is different from eros love in that it is not sexual, nor romantic in nature. Its nature is that of self sacrifice. Not that you need to be a martyr here. You can love her completely and still have boundaries and maintain your self respect. Agape love is also different from the other kinds of love in that you can choose it. You can elect to love her this way because it is what is best for her, your family and marriage. It is a giving of yourself for the betterment of the marriage. I practiced agape love for about a year with my wife after I received the “I no longer love you” speech. It helped me tremendously. Agape love can help you to “protect” yourself emotionally during this difficult time as you love her but expect nothing in return. Deadlines and timelines just fade away. Behaviors are better understood and empathy flourishes. It’s not for everyone but it sure helped us. Good luck.


I'm not really sure what you are getting at here?

Well, I'm on my way home... I will check back in later.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! You guys have been a big help already.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GPR said:


> she forces me to be responsible for fixing them.


actually she doesnt, no more then you are responsible for how she thinks you make her act. thats your own issue to work on. 



GPR said:


> I can't just live without loving myself and have to put myself first every once in a while.


ya it definitely sounds like you need to take care of yourself. is there something you have stopped doing that you what to start? do you exercise, eat right, etc?


----------



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

I have one suggestion... It seems that your conversations turn into arguments that just escalate. 

Would it be possible to write her a letter to explain your feelings for her? You said you are not very good at communicating things, but maybe if you put in the time to write (or type) a letter, she wouldn't have the opportunity to attack you and it might give you two some common ground. 

Spoken words are easily forgotten or not heard at all. If you go through the trouble of explaining your feelings and worries - you seem to be an eloquent enough guy to handle it - and you give her the letter when she is in a good mood, maybe do something about the presentation so it will look special (so she'll keep it and maybe read it when feeling sad).

Just an idea.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Mommy22 is right. Also, she might not want to go to counseling, because it means facing the awful way she's been treating you, and no one wants to have to be that vulnerable, and have the crummy things they've been doing to their spouse brought out, in front of a stranger... She's probably embarrassed about her treatment of you. It just goes back to the vulnerability issue.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Thanks again for the help.

I have tried writing to her. It didn't help. But it was also during one of our hard times, so she really didn't care about anything other than the stuff I did wrong. 

She has gone to counseling before. When she was in high school. The story I get was that the counselor was worthless and basically tried to make things worse, so now she won't go to any. One of the examples she gave me was that she told her counselor of her first sexual experience when she was in high school with her boyfriend. He was 17 and she was 15. The counselor tried to convince her that she was raped, even though they were both very willing participants. 


Anyway, last night went pretty good. She was in a better mood overall, and we talked about a few things, but also were able to have some nice general conversation. We got a babysitter and are going out to eat and to a comedy club on Saturday night, which is always something we loved to do together. 


I think that in order to get her to get some help, I need to move past this little event of mine first. Let some time pass, otherwise she will just accuse me of trying to blame my screw-ups on her.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear about this problem. It sounds to me like your wife feels she doesn't deserve to be happy and is sabotaging her happiness. I don't think she knows why she is doing these things but fear and insecurity drive her. I have also learned firsthand how not communicating can damage and even end a relationship. Your desire to protect her from financial stress is a mistake a lot of people make. I've made that same one.. it sure sounds like she could benefit from professional counseling to get some closure on some of the past issues. But in absence of doing that, you can work together on communicating. When you tell her she is beautiful and she says your lying, ask her does she truly believe that and why? Try to learn what is causing her to feel that way, maybe help her to discover why. Tell her that you know you made mistakes but that doesn't mean you don't love her. 

I really think she was searching for a reason, a validation to show her you don't love her. Its like she had to prove herself right, I think that comes right down to feeling like she doesn't deserve to be happy and you will leave her and she needed to confirm it.

I don't think it was wrong of you to talk about it on a forum, its what they are there for and since you can remain anonymous then you are not violating each other's trust. I do think it was wrong of her to look through your computer but that is not the point, its not a case of blaming or keeping score. 

One last thing, don't automatically assume just because she has been through some pretty traumatic things that is the reason for all of this. Her mood swings can be the cause of something else, something fixable even. For example: my son is 4 1/2 and he has extreme mood swings. Pediatrician sad ADD he should be on meds. I didn't feel in my heart that he ws right so I explored further, took him to other doctors, etc. I finally found a nutritionist who is also and MD and discovered two major health issues, hypoglycemia and major food allergies. Nobody ever look at this as being a possible, just automatically stick him on a script. His moods were ENTIRELY a result of his diet. Until you see this you can't believe how food would affect someone's mood. The other shocker was she said it was hereditary, guess who he got it from? Me. I never had any idea but I also have food allergies that cause major mood swings. There is definately a correlation between food/mood even if you do not have allergies. You can do some further research on this, and there are several books on the subject.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about this problem. It sounds to me like your wife feels she doesn't deserve to be happy and is sabotaging her happiness. I don't think she knows why she is doing these things but fear and insecurity drive her.


WINNER! 




AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I have also learned firsthand how not communicating can damage and even end a relationship. Your desire to protect her from financial stress is a mistake a lot of people make. I've made that same one.. it sure sounds like she could benefit from professional counseling to get some closure on some of the past issues. But in absence of doing that, you can work together on communicating. When you tell her she is beautiful and she says your lying, ask her does she truly believe that and why? Try to learn what is causing her to feel that way, maybe help her to discover why. Tell her that you know you made mistakes but that doesn't mean you don't love her.


I have asked her why she thinks I'm lying. She says that she "knows" I'm not saying it because I mean it, I'm just trying to make her feel better. 

I've also told her that I'm human and make mistakes, and it doesn't mean I don't love her... her response is, "if you really loved me, you wouldn't have made the mistakes." This is were the "walking on egg shells" feeling for me comes from.



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I really think she was searching for a reason, a validation to show her you don't love her. Its like she had to prove herself right, I think that comes right down to feeling like she doesn't deserve to be happy and you will leave her and she needed to confirm it.


WINNER AGAIN!!!





AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I don't think it was wrong of you to talk about it on a forum, its what they are there for and since you can remain anonymous then you are not violating each other's trust. I do think it was wrong of her to look through your computer but that is not the point, its not a case of blaming or keeping score.


It was just venting and guy talk. I understand that she would be upset with some of the things I said, but, in my opinion, it doesn't warrant the reaction I got. 

One of the things was venting about was how she had this "Candle Party" at our house. It was Friday night and I worked all day Thursday afternoon (my afternoon off) cleaning the house... she gets home Thursday and is going to start helping me clean. While I'm mopping the floor, she decides she's going to organize her closet. 

Most guys can picture a conversation that they've had similar to this with one of their buddies. That's kind of what I was doing. Well, she flew off the deep end about it. 

And yeah, I really wasn't too happy about her getting into my stuff like that... but that was an battle that I was never going to win, so I let it go.




AZMOMOFTWO said:


> One last thing, don't automatically assume just because she has been through some pretty traumatic things that is the reason for all of this. Her mood swings can be the cause of something else, something fixable even. For example: my son is 4 1/2 and he has extreme mood swings. Pediatrician sad ADD he should be on meds. I didn't feel in my heart that he ws right so I explored further, took him to other doctors, etc. I finally found a nutritionist who is also and MD and discovered two major health issues, hypoglycemia and major food allergies. Nobody ever look at this as being a possible, just automatically stick him on a script. His moods were ENTIRELY a result of his diet. Until you see this you can't believe how food would affect someone's mood. The other shocker was she said it was hereditary, guess who he got it from? Me. I never had any idea but I also have food allergies that cause major mood swings. There is definately a correlation between food/mood even if you do not have allergies. You can do some further research on this, and there are several books on the subject.


I've thought about his too. I have a sister that had a similar experience. She had dramatic head-aches and was over weight. She went to a nutritionist and found several food allergies. Her headaches are gone and she lost like 50 pounds over just a few months. 

This might be something worth doing for both of us. I have ADD. I haven't been taking medication for a while. But I'm probably going to get back on it. I'm not the hyperactive type, but the attention problems really wreaks havoc on my work and personal life.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about this problem. It sounds to me like your wife feels she doesn't deserve to be happy and is sabotaging her happiness. I don't think she knows why she is doing these things but fear and insecurity drive her.


WINNER! 




AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I have also learned firsthand how not communicating can damage and even end a relationship. Your desire to protect her from financial stress is a mistake a lot of people make. I've made that same one.. it sure sounds like she could benefit from professional counseling to get some closure on some of the past issues. But in absence of doing that, you can work together on communicating. When you tell her she is beautiful and she says your lying, ask her does she truly believe that and why? Try to learn what is causing her to feel that way, maybe help her to discover why. Tell her that you know you made mistakes but that doesn't mean you don't love her.


I have asked her why she thinks I'm lying. She says that she "knows" I'm not saying it because I mean it, I'm just trying to make her feel better. 

I've also told her that I'm human and make mistakes, and it doesn't mean I don't love her... her response is, "if you really loved me, you wouldn't have made the mistakes." This is were the "walking on egg shells" feeling for me comes from.



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I really think she was searching for a reason, a validation to show her you don't love her. Its like she had to prove herself right, I think that comes right down to feeling like she doesn't deserve to be happy and you will leave her and she needed to confirm it.


WINNER AGAIN!!!





AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I don't think it was wrong of you to talk about it on a forum, its what they are there for and since you can remain anonymous then you are not violating each other's trust. I do think it was wrong of her to look through your computer but that is not the point, its not a case of blaming or keeping score.


It was just venting and guy talk. I understand that she would be upset with some of the things I said, but, in my opinion, it doesn't warrant the reaction I got. 

One of the things was venting about was how she had this "Candle Party" at our house. It was Friday night and I worked all day Thursday afternoon (my afternoon off) cleaning the house... she gets home Thursday and is going to start helping me clean. While I'm mopping the floor, she decides she's going to organize her closet. 

Most guys can picture a conversation that they've had similar to this with one of their buddies. That's kind of what I was doing. Well, she flew off the deep end about it. 

And yeah, I really wasn't too happy about her getting into my stuff like that... but that was an battle that I was never going to win, so I let it go.




AZMOMOFTWO said:


> One last thing, don't automatically assume just because she has been through some pretty traumatic things that is the reason for all of this. Her mood swings can be the cause of something else, something fixable even. For example: my son is 4 1/2 and he has extreme mood swings. Pediatrician sad ADD he should be on meds. I didn't feel in my heart that he ws right so I explored further, took him to other doctors, etc. I finally found a nutritionist who is also and MD and discovered two major health issues, hypoglycemia and major food allergies. Nobody ever look at this as being a possible, just automatically stick him on a script. His moods were ENTIRELY a result of his diet. Until you see this you can't believe how food would affect someone's mood. The other shocker was she said it was hereditary, guess who he got it from? Me. I never had any idea but I also have food allergies that cause major mood swings. There is definately a correlation between food/mood even if you do not have allergies. You can do some further research on this, and there are several books on the subject.


I've thought about his too. I have a sister that had a similar experience. She had dramatic head-aches and was over weight. She went to a nutritionist and found several food allergies. Her headaches are gone and she lost like 50 pounds over just a few months. 

This might be something worth doing for both of us. I have ADD. I haven't been taking medication for a while. But I'm probably going to get back on it. I'm not the hyperactive type, but the attention problems really wreaks havoc on my work and personal life.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about this problem. It sounds to me like your wife feels she doesn't deserve to be happy and is sabotaging her happiness. I don't think she knows why she is doing these things but fear and insecurity drive her.


WINNER! 




AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I have also learned firsthand how not communicating can damage and even end a relationship. Your desire to protect her from financial stress is a mistake a lot of people make. I've made that same one.. it sure sounds like she could benefit from professional counseling to get some closure on some of the past issues. But in absence of doing that, you can work together on communicating. When you tell her she is beautiful and she says your lying, ask her does she truly believe that and why? Try to learn what is causing her to feel that way, maybe help her to discover why. Tell her that you know you made mistakes but that doesn't mean you don't love her.


I have asked her why she thinks I'm lying. She says that she "knows" I'm not saying it because I mean it, I'm just trying to make her feel better. 

I've also told her that I'm human and make mistakes, and it doesn't mean I don't love her... her response is, "if you really loved me, you wouldn't have made the mistakes." This is were the "walking on egg shells" feeling for me comes from.



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I really think she was searching for a reason, a validation to show her you don't love her. Its like she had to prove herself right, I think that comes right down to feeling like she doesn't deserve to be happy and you will leave her and she needed to confirm it.


WINNER AGAIN!!!





AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I don't think it was wrong of you to talk about it on a forum, its what they are there for and since you can remain anonymous then you are not violating each other's trust. I do think it was wrong of her to look through your computer but that is not the point, its not a case of blaming or keeping score.


It was just venting and guy talk. I understand that she would be upset with some of the things I said, but, in my opinion, it doesn't warrant the reaction I got. 

One of the things was venting about was how she had this "Candle Party" at our house. It was Friday night and I worked all day Thursday afternoon (my afternoon off) cleaning the house... she gets home Thursday and is going to start helping me clean. While I'm mopping the floor, she decides she's going to organize her closet. 

Most guys can picture a conversation that they've had similar to this with one of their buddies. That's kind of what I was doing. Well, she flew off the deep end about it. 

And yeah, I really wasn't too happy about her getting into my stuff like that... but that was an battle that I was never going to win, so I let it go.




AZMOMOFTWO said:


> One last thing, don't automatically assume just because she has been through some pretty traumatic things that is the reason for all of this. Her mood swings can be the cause of something else, something fixable even. For example: my son is 4 1/2 and he has extreme mood swings. Pediatrician sad ADD he should be on meds. I didn't feel in my heart that he ws right so I explored further, took him to other doctors, etc. I finally found a nutritionist who is also and MD and discovered two major health issues, hypoglycemia and major food allergies. Nobody ever look at this as being a possible, just automatically stick him on a script. His moods were ENTIRELY a result of his diet. Until you see this you can't believe how food would affect someone's mood. The other shocker was she said it was hereditary, guess who he got it from? Me. I never had any idea but I also have food allergies that cause major mood swings. There is definately a correlation between food/mood even if you do not have allergies. You can do some further research on this, and there are several books on the subject.


I've thought about his too. I have a sister that had a similar experience. She had dramatic head-aches and was over weight. She went to a nutritionist and found several food allergies. Her headaches are gone and she lost like 50 pounds over just a few months. 

This might be something worth doing for both of us. I have ADD. I haven't been taking medication for a while. But I'm probably going to get back on it. I'm not the hyperactive type, but the attention problems really wreaks havoc on my work and personal life.


----------

