# I am Confused..need Advice



## Marc (Oct 17, 2010)

I am married for 8 years now with 2 lovely and smart kids. I love my wife so much and she loves me too. There is one thing I have noticed is that our frequency of having sex is on the downfall. We used to have sex 1-2 times in a week but now hardly once a month. She is a working woman and I am a businessman. Since the beginning, it is me who initiates for making love almost all the times. My wife never openly or wholeheartedly said "yes" nor initiated. In the beginning she used to tell me that she gets turned on seeing me asleep. Sometimes she would go down on me when I am asleep. This was long time ago. Now a days she put a lot of conditions to fulfill before I could make love. Sometimes I would wait for 2-3 days for her to finally make love with me. I cannot make love to her I she is not aroused. She would tell me that we would make out early in the morning if I am persuading her in the evening and vice versa, she tells me she would do it in the night. She often tells me to go ahead anyway if I really wanted to. This really turns me off as i cannot make love when she is not willing. I sometimes find her very relieved when she is on her periods. Now a days she tells me that she does not like that way I touch her. Its a no-no for her when she is feeling sleepy and she sleeps even in the day time.
I am also finding it it hard as the kids are growing up and I am not finding enough time to persuade her. I hardly get one full day to have 15 minutes of love making session. With this thing in mind if I do make love after a long time, I ejaculate in five minutes. This leaves her unsatisfied and she complains.
I am confused and I need help as I love her so much. I have never hooked up with a prostitute or a call girl. I did have sex on one occasion with my ex girlfriend much before we got married. My wife before she got married, she lived in with her boyfriend while she was in college for more tha 5 years.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

when was the last time u all had a vacation for 2? we all know how tough it is with kids around, but u will need to find time for both of u to take a time-off from everything, take time to relax and enjoy each others' company


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## Marc (Oct 17, 2010)

malmale said:


> when was the last time u all had a vacation for 2? we all know how tough it is with kids around, but u will need to find time for both of u to take a time-off from everything, take time to relax and enjoy each others' company


 We went along with the kids last june for a week. We made love once. Our parents and relatives live far from us and it is not an option got us to leave the kids behind. The last vacation was for the interest of the kids.
Sometimes I feel that I deep inside she is thinking that I am not the right man for her and she is waiting for me to make the first move. I have been pleading her to talk it out and she says mockingly in a light manner I should have found out a long time If I am a man. Sometimes we get into a quarrel and she says that she is clinging on for the sake of the kids. If I am aware of my mistakes, I try hard to make amends. If I am not aware I make it a point to ask her but she is always tight lipped.

We stay near her work place so she walks everyday. My duties include dropping the kids to school before 8:30 am and picking them up at 12:00 Noon and again get back to work. I reach home usually around 9 PM and sleep usually by 12:00 midnight and wake up by 7 am and I am at work by 9 am.
Her office timing is from 9 am till 5 pm with 1 hour break for lunch. She gets up usually at 8:30 AM if the kids don't have school. On the days kids have school, I wake her up by 7. We also have 2 maid servants staying with us, they do everything even giving the kids bath and dressing .

One thing strange is that she will cuddle me while sleeping, she will caress and fondle me all the time but I cannot do the same to her! She tells me she does not like the stubble even though I am shaven freshly. Or is it that she's cold by nature? or not satisfied with me?.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Read the book Hot Monogamy. They talk about how to deal with partners of opposite sexual desires in one of the chapters. Having been there done that with work and kids, I know how tired your wife can be at the end of day and getting aroused could take some time for her. See if you can't help her with the kids more in the evening, on the nights you want sex, put the kids to bed so she can relax a little more. And yes, I know it's killer to the pride, but it sometimes can be okay if she's like just go ahead and do it - it's her way of loving you. She may not be in the mood, but she understands how much it means to you. As far as the 5 minutes, there are things you/she can do to help you last longer. And yes, you may have to put more work into to initiate it if you want it more. You can tell her what it would mean to you for her to initiate it, and in time she might. But if you want it, you kind of have to be the one to go after it.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Marc said:


> We went along with the kids last june for a week. We made love once. Our parents and relatives live far from us and it is not an option got us to leave the kids behind. The last vacation was for the interest of the kids.
> Sometimes I feel that I deep inside she is thinking that I am not the right man for her and she is waiting for me to make the first move. I have been pleading her to talk it out and she says mockingly in a light manner I should have found out a long time If I am a man. Sometimes we get into a quarrel and she says that she is clinging on for the sake of the kids. If I am aware of my mistakes, I try hard to make amends. If I am not aware I make it a point to ask her but she is always tight lipped.
> 
> We stay near her work place so she walks everyday. My duties include dropping the kids to school before 8:30 am and picking them up at 12:00 Noon and again get back to work. I reach home usually around 9 PM and sleep usually by 12:00 midnight and wake up by 7 am and I am at work by 9 am.
> ...


i cant help to wonder, putting aside sex, is there something u guys need to work out on ur relationship?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I think I'm with Malmale on this...


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## Marc (Oct 17, 2010)

Thanks lbell629..
I thing..I am a straight forward guy with an attitude of "all or none". I love my wife means I love my wife and no one else above. I tell her what I feel and think about her all the time but this not so with her. She expects me to tell her all when I have nothing to hide. 

Thanks anyway I will try the book.


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## Marc (Oct 17, 2010)

malmale said:


> i cant help to wonder, putting aside sex, is there something u guys need to work out on ur relationship?


You are right! There is nothing else to work out besides the sex.
I ask myself too. And I ask once again.. can I live a normal life with my wife and kids without having sex? Should I turn to the Lord? I am very confused.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Marc said:


> You are right! There is nothing else to work out besides the sex.
> I ask myself too. And I ask once again.. can I live a normal life with my wife and kids without having sex? Should I turn to the Lord? I am very confused.


i'm not sure, something tells me that all is still not rosy between the both of u... why else would she touch you and then reject u later? i cant do the maths here but i think something is still not right between the 2 of u. if she cuddles and fondles u, means she is interested with something... have u really sat down and discuss this with her?


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## Marc (Oct 17, 2010)

malmale said:


> i'm not sure, something tells me that all is still not rosy between the both of u... why else would she touch you and then reject u later? i cant do the maths here but i think something is still not right between the 2 of u. if she cuddles and fondles u, means she is interested with something... have u really sat down and discuss this with her?


I have tried to talk to her about what she wants (unrelated with the present situation). Some of the things she wants are reasonable but cannot be done instantly like building a house of our own. I feel that with the right location and funds we can start right away but as of now we have not found a place suitable to us so far. On the other hand She still wants me to court her like I did before marriage. But to my understanding, we have passed that stage for 8 years now. I thinking of quitting my business join work with her and give her more attention. On the contrary, I am not so materialistic as she declares herself to be. So far I have not turned down any of her request which meant important to us. If I had missed out something, I expect her to tell me openly.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Marc said:


> I have tried to talk to her about what she wants (unrelated with the present situation). Some of the things she wants are reasonable but cannot be done instantly like building a house of our own. I feel that with the right location and funds we can start right away but as of now we have not found a place suitable to us so far. On the other hand She still wants me to court her like I did before marriage. But to my understanding, we have passed that stage for 8 years now. I thinking of quitting my business join work with her and give her more attention. On the contrary, I am not so materialistic as she declares herself to be. So far I have not turned down any of her request which meant important to us. If I had missed out something, I expect her to tell me openly.


if u have tons of $$$ and have no issues quiting ur biz to focus on her, by all means, go ahead. but by quitting ur biz and later blaming her for not having sufficient $$$, i would strongly advice u against this.

anyway, something caught my eye, u said that she wants u to court her like when u guys were dating? am taking a wild guess here, but i think what she is really missing is the affection from you. am not saying that you are a bad hubby, but maybe she wants to feel loved, appreciated and even admired


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## Marc (Oct 17, 2010)

malmale said:


> if u have tons of $$$ and have no issues quiting ur biz to focus on her, by all means, go ahead. but by quitting ur biz and later blaming her for not having sufficient $$$, i would strongly advice u against this.
> 
> anyway, something caught my eye, u said that she wants u to court her like when u guys were dating? am taking a wild guess here, but i think what she is really missing is the affection from you. am not saying that you are a bad hubby, but maybe she wants to feel loved, appreciated and even admired


I am willing to quit only if I get a job with her.
Maybe you are right about the courtship part, but somehow I feel we have past that stage and my hair is already graying and she is just one year younger to me.

She reads all these Cosmopolitan Magazines and she tells me often 'how men are' and 'men will always be men' sort of comments. Maybe I am not perfect enough a man for her.


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Come on Marc, your wife pretty much told you what she wants, doesn't matter how old you are or how long you've been together. 

Tell her that she is beautiful, hot, sexy etc. Hold her close and give her soft kisses. Hold her hand in public. Write her love notes.

Women want to feel desired by the man they're with - sex will follow.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Marc said:


> I am willing to quit only if I get a job with her.
> Maybe you are right about the courtship part, but somehow I feel we have past that stage and my hair is already graying and she is just one year younger to me.
> 
> She reads all these Cosmopolitan Magazines and she tells me often 'how men are' and 'men will always be men' sort of comments. Maybe I am not perfect enough a man for her.


young n old, i think it is not unusual for women wanting to be swept off their feet! blame mainstream media and romantic comedies for selling the concept of happily ever after! LOL


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## Marc (Oct 17, 2010)

O.K. I will have to redefine what I am thinking. You know what for her lack of openness I walked out of the house at 3 AM in the morning ( Now it's 5 PM) today threatening her for divorce. She called in to say sorry and that the kids miss me so much. It's not that I want her to say sorry but I needed to know what she really expects from me. I am also feeling really bad and I said the same thing to her...sorry. I will go back and make amends. I love her so much with or without sex and I cannot stay angry with her for long. Every time we quarreled I was the first one to say sorry but this is the first time she said to me. 
Like I said before, everything else is ok with us except the sex part as I can see its going downhill. I am a person who struggles and I strive in many ways to improve my family's lifestyle and I hate to see one part declining and affecting every other parts.
I hope your advice here in this site works out. 
Thanks.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Marc said:


> O.K. I will have to redefine what I am thinking. You know what for her lack of openness I walked out of the house at 3 AM in the morning ( Now it's 5 PM) today threatening her for divorce. She called in to say sorry and that the kids miss me so much. It's not that I want her to say sorry but I needed to know what she really expects from me. I am also feeling really bad and I said the same thing to her...sorry. I will go back and make amends. I love her so much with or without sex and I cannot stay angry with her for long. Every time we quarreled I was the first one to say sorry but this is the first time she said to me.
> Like I said before, everything else is ok with us except the sex part as I can see its going downhill. I am a person who struggles and I strive in many ways to improve my family's lifestyle and I hate to see one part declining and affecting every other parts.
> I hope your advice here in this site works out.
> Thanks.


know what, both of u should go for those couples retreat, u may or may not end up having sex, but at least if gives u some private quality time together, time to reflect on what was lost and what went wrong, and hopefully it will patch u guys back together to happier days 

anyways, really wishing that u guys will stay strong in facing challenges, dont even mention the word divorce anymore unless u really really mean it as the final-no-turning-back last resort, cheers


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

With two maids to help around the house and kids, I think she lucky to have that and plenty of time to think of sex.

It was a good test on your part by walking out, this should wake her up a bit.


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## Marc (Oct 17, 2010)

MotoDude said:


> With two maids to help around the house and kids, I think she lucky to have that and plenty of time to think of sex.
> 
> It was a good test on your part by walking out, this should wake her up a bit.


I guess you are right. Tonight I am taking her out with the kids to a nearby restaurant. 
Thanks


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Had the same problem-W wouldn't initiate, I began having doubts about us, briefly toyed with the idea of leaving, but I came to realize that it wasn't all her, some was me. So, I changed some of my attitude, which, believe me, is like trying to build the Great Wall with paper and glue, and found that we're closer now.
Let me ask you this: are you a "nice guy", always doing things for her, like the housework, cooking, dishes, etc.? Many women will lose their sexual desire for a man if he's not acting like "a man".
I'm not saying to be a jerk like she reads about in those magazines (incidentally, most of those articles are written by feminists with that "girl, you can have it all-at HIS expense" attitude), but if you are a nice guy, cool the jets a little, let her feel like a woman again, and you may be surprised.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi 

see responses below yours


I am married for 8 years now with 2 lovely and smart kids. I love my wife so much and she loves me too. There is one thing I have noticed is that our frequency of having sex is on the downfall. We used to have sex 1-2 times in a week but now hardly once a month.

Judith: USusally with kids you have to make time somehow to keep it happening -is there locks on the door? is the room inviting with colors etc that she likes that will make it haven for that

She is a working woman and I am a businessman. Since the beginning, it is me who initiates for making love almost all the times. My wife never openly or wholeheartedly said "yes" nor initiated. In the beginning she used to tell me that she gets turned on seeing me asleep. Sometimes she would go down on me when I am asleep. This was long time ago. 

Judith: Do you think she has trauma in her background at all? or is there an emotional issue going on-although with working women they have to transition from work to being a sexy woman... 

Now a days she put a lot of conditions to fulfill before I could make love. Sometimes I would wait for 2-3 days for her to finally make love with me. I cannot make love to her I she is not aroused. 

Judith: Since women are working more now days and since women need time to transition from one thing to the next when it comes to sex-it is hard for them to arouse unless they are really relax and their mind is emotionally into it etc. 

She would tell me that we would make out early in the morning if I am persuading her in the evening and vice versa, she tells me she would do it in the night. She often tells me to go ahead anyway if I really wanted to. This really turns me off as i cannot make love when she is not willing. 

Judith: Right because it means more when there is a connection. Are you doing any nonsexual affection at all? you need to if you arent. Maybe start with that for while without it leading to intercourse. Some women dont understand how their husbands sexuality work. trust me on this if you can. You need to talk to her about it .ARe you able to talk about it without have sex? 

I sometimes find her very relieved when she is on her periods. Now a days she tells me that she does not like that way I touch her. Its a no-no for her when she is feeling sleepy and she sleeps even in the day time.

Judith: She has kids and house work and work to do. For some reason women like to see a man doing some form of house work and it turns them on. She does need some nonsexual interaction to bring her to the desire to want sexual interaction

I am also finding it it hard as the kids are growing up and I am not finding enough time to persuade her. I hardly get one full day to have 15 minutes of love making session. With this thing in mind if I do make love after a long time, I ejaculate in five minutes. 

Judith: Well there is breathing techniques to help you last longer in holding it. Also men have the PC muscle like the owman does-it is the one that helps you start and stop going to the bathroom. Practice that when your not have sex and you use that when before you climax to last longer. Practice enough you can learn to hold however long...Women can do it as often as they are moved to do it and want it . the more you both do it the more you will want it.

This leaves her unsatisfied and she complains.

Judith: See above

I am confused and I need help as I love her so much. I have never hooked up with a prostitute or a call girl. I did have sex on one occasion with my ex girlfriend much before we got married. 

Judith: Unless you have worked through the past experiences -that can affect the current ones. You dont think yours and hers is affecting you now is it? I would start with nonsexual touch and sexual massage even if she doesn't feel the sexual feelings-in time she will fidn she wants to. also kissing before you go to work and talking to her throughout the day and maybe ask her if you can send sexy texts-to her. or love notes to leave with her in her briefcase or purse. SOme women need that to open teh door to sex. 

thoughts? 

Judith


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