# The types of men my wife finds attractive



## snowcrashed

Maybe I'm being a little weird here, but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair. 

I suppose I should try to not be bothered by this, but I just find it disrespectful to our marriage that she has to constantly seek out this content online and share it with her closest mom friends on FB. I am naturally attracted to pale skinned red heads, but I'm not going around posting pictures of them for all my friends to see. Does anyone else have issues with this behavior from their partner? 

For a little background, I have tried to talk to her about it before and she just dismisses it telling me I'm insecure. While I do have some insecurities I have battled for years now, it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.


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## Blondilocks

A little 'share the love' might be appropriate. Try posting pictures of women who are the polar opposites of your wife on your FB page. Stand back and listen for any comments from your wife.


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## MrsAldi

How do you know that she doesn't find you attractive anymore? 

Are you sure she's not just "fan girling" over these guys? 

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## MattMatt

snowcrashed said:


> Maybe I'm being a little weird here, but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.
> 
> I suppose I should try to not be bothered by this, but I just find it disrespectful to our marriage that she has to constantly seek out this content online and share it with her closest mom friends on FB. I am naturally attracted to pale skinned red heads,* but I'm not going around posting pictures of them for all my friends to see*. Does anyone else have issues with this behavior from their partner?
> 
> For a little background, I have tried to talk to her about it before and she just dismisses it telling me I'm insecure. While I do have some insecurities I have battled for years now, it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.


*Then maybe you should?*

And make sure your wife is included.

Here ya go!









Oh! Sorry! My mistake! I misread that as red setter.

Here's what you need to share with your wife and her friends










Hope she likes it. And she needn't thank me.


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## snowcrashed

I would but it wouldn't do anything and only draw hate towards me. Because the second any guy posts pictures of attractive women anywhere when he's in a committed relationship, he's the bad guy. When women do it, they're 'expressing' themselves.


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## TAM2013

snowcrashed said:


> I would but it wouldn't do anything and only draw hate towards me. Because the second any guy posts pictures of attractive women anywhere when he's in a committed relationship, he's the bad guy. When women do it, they're 'expressing' themselves.


Bullsh!t. If she can do it, so can you. Don't get railroaded into that crap. If she doesn't like it, tough. Massively hypocritical if she spits her dummy out.


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## TAMAT

On the other hand if your W is not that into sex with you then you know why.

More often a wife is not into the husband, but tells him things like, "looks don't matter to me", "those things aren't important" etc.

What it really means is something like "your looks don't matter to me because you are a father and a paycheck and you are a reliable source of emotional support"

..."and it would be too painful to tell you the truth"

Tamat


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## Married but Happy

So, she's not responding to your concerns. Aside from this issue, how's your relationship and sex life? She may be most attracted to these other types, but they may not be attainable even if she were to divorce you and pursue them. Still, it's not conducive to your peace of mind that she persists. If she won't stop - and even if she does, you already know you're not her preferred type - then I can only suggest fighting back by posting pictures and comments of women you find most attractive, and see how she responds.

(You could even search out porn featuring your type, and - even if you don't watch or care about porn - leave it up so she finds it "accidentally.")


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## GusPolinski

snowcrashed said:


> Maybe I'm being a little weird here, but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.
> 
> I suppose I should try to not be bothered by this, but I just find it disrespectful to our marriage that she has to constantly seek out this content online and share it with her closest mom friends on FB. *I am naturally attracted to pale skinned red heads, but I'm not going around posting pictures of them for all my friends to see.* Does anyone else have issues with this behavior from their partner?
> 
> For a little background, I have tried to talk to her about it before and she just dismisses it telling me I'm insecure. While I do have some insecurities I have battled for years now, it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.


Maybe start doing that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Seriously, don't take that crap lying down. Don't be afraid of being called a chauvinist pig - you like what you like just as your wife likes what she likes.


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## sokillme

snowcrashed said:


> Maybe I'm being a little weird here, but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.
> 
> I suppose I should try to not be bothered by this, but I just find it disrespectful to our marriage that she has to constantly seek out this content online and share it with her closest mom friends on FB. I am naturally attracted to pale skinned red heads, but I'm not going around posting pictures of them for all my friends to see. Does anyone else have issues with this behavior from their partner?
> 
> For a little background, I have tried to talk to her about it before and she just dismisses it telling me I'm insecure. While I do have some insecurities I have battled for years now, it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.



While you have a right to be upset, her not positing isn't going to change what you already know. How about trying to lift some weights, nothing is saying you have to stay an average build. My point is be the best you you can be, this will help you feel more confident. Confidence is really the only way for you to fix this. I would also start posting about those red heads.


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## sokillme

snowcrashed said:


> I would but it wouldn't do anything and only draw hate towards me. Because the second any guy posts pictures of attractive women anywhere when he's in a committed relationship, he's the bad guy. When women do it, they're 'expressing' themselves.


I think your passive aggression is more of a problem here. These comments make you sound weak. Who cares what people think you are a bad guy. You see it time an time again on these boards Woman don't respect weak men, and they don't find them attractive. Weak men get bullied by their wives.


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## Married but Happy

Even if your wife is not a pale skinned red head, you are attracted to her, are you not? Similarly, she may be attracted to you even though she has other attractions. I am attracted to certain petite Asian women, and even dated some, but I am very attracted to my wife who is neither petite nor Asian. I would never make her feel inadequate - and she certainly isn't! You may have a real problem if this is more than a celebrity-type infatuation.


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## uhtred

Is she actively interested in sex with you?


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## 3Xnocharm

Her behavior IS disrespectful. However...just because she finds a certain "type" attractive does not mean that she does not find YOU attractive. I mean she DID marry you, after all. Has she told you she is not attracted to you? Does she put you down and compare you negatively to others? If not, then its not an issue. But that said...the constant posting of men shows you disrespect and she really needs to put a stop to it.


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## barbados

Perhaps you could tell your wife that if she cannot act like a mature adult on FB and not like an teenage girl then she can close the account immediately.

Then you could tell her that if she desires these types of men then there is the front door and happy hunting. And not to expect to still have a husband if and when she returns.


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## Steve1000

MrsAldi said:


> How do you know that she doesn't find you attractive anymore?
> 
> Are you sure she's not just "fan girling" over these guys?


Even if she is, posting photos of "hot chicks" or "hot guys" after marriage seems very immature to me.


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## MrsAldi

Steve1000 said:


> Even if she is, posting photos of "hot chicks" or "hot guys" after marriage seems very immature to me.


100% agree with you. 
Maybe it's a form of vanilla porn to them? 
I see a lot of married women do it on FB also, it wouldn't shock me to find out that some then label their husbands disgusting for watching porn. 
Double standards. 


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## 225985

Blondilocks said:


> What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Seriously, don't take that crap lying down. Don't be afraid of being called a chauvinist pig - you like what you like just as your wife likes what she likes.




Listen to this wise woman. 

Get to the gym and work out. Do that instead of reading FB. 

When you decide to trade up, you will have more options.

BTW what did you find out with the VAR?


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## GuyInColorado

So, how's the marriage going? How often are you two intimate?


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## LadybugMomma

snowcrashed said:


> I would but it wouldn't do anything and only draw hate towards me. Because the second any guy posts pictures of attractive women anywhere when he's in a committed relationship, he's the bad guy. When women do it, they're 'expressing' themselves.


I think it's wrong that your wife posts pics of other guys. You have every right to feel the way you do. If your wife truly respects you and your feelings, no matter how absurd SHE thinks it is, she'd stop, just knowing that it upsets you. As for what to do about it, you can do the same and post pics of other women, put your foot down and demand that it stop, or suck it up and deal with it. Me, I'd put my foot down. 

Good Luck!


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## tropicalbeachiwish

If you told her that it bothered you and she blew you off & still continues to do it, then I'd be posting up beautiful pics of red heads on FB. I'd even tag her specifically. Then I'd also go buy some large posters of red heads & tape them to the ceiling over the bed. Maybe your message will be loud & clear then.


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## Lila

@snowcrashed, 

Would it upset you if she still looked at those types of photos but didn't post them to Facebook? 

I'm trying to figure out if you're upset that she finds other types of men attractive or that she's publicizing her preferences on Facebook or both. You can ask her to stop posting the pics to Facebook but you can't really control what she finds attractive. 

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## snowcrashed

She's not publicizing her preferences completely on FB. As I said, she is doing so in a private group, but it still bothers me that this is how she feels and this is what she decides to share with her friends.


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## 225985

I forgot to add. Skip that bike and treadmill crap. You need to lift weights.


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## NothingsOriginal

I don't know that revenge is a great way to positively resolve this...... communicate, communicate, communicate

Let her know how it makes you feel and why, let her know she has crossed a boundry, let her know what will happen if she continues.

Get her story on why she does it, see if there is another way to fill whatever need she is filling with this behavior.


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## Lila

snowcrashed said:


> She's not publicizing her preferences completely on FB. As I said, she is doing so in a private group, but it still bothers me that this is how she feels and this is what she decides to share with her friends.


So the answer is both...you're upset that she's basically telling her friends that she finds other types of men attractive. Would it help you if she kept those preferences to herself, i.e. off Facebook?

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## zookeeper

Have you actually talked to her about your displeasure? You say you "tried to" but was was actually said and how was it said?


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## lifeistooshort

Hmm, this is an interesting question. This is how many women feel when their guy gets off to porn.

It's a crappy thing to do to your partner.

Are you sure she's into you?

I second the idea of you posting pictures you like for her to see. A little empathy can go a long way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349

Blondilocks said:


> What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Seriously, don't take that crap lying down. Don't be afraid of being called a chauvinist pig - you like what you like just as your wife likes what she likes.


^^I agree^^

OP you are right what your wife is doing is disrespectful and destructive to your marriage. I don't blame you for being p!ssed about it, she needs a taste of her own medicine. What is she 13?


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## straightshooter

*


snowcrashed said:



She's not publicizing her preferences completely on FB. As I said, she is doing so in a private group, but it still bothers me that this is how she feels and this is what she decides to share with her friends.

Click to expand...

*

You it appears have access to this private group chat. Right????

What i'd be concerned about is some of her genius girlfriends encouraging her to seek out her dream guy and have some fun, and if you do not think that can happen you are in deep trouble. I'd be interested to hear if the others are all partaking in the same sexual banter. 

if i were you I would pay attention to what is being said, and i agree with the others it sure does not make it appear she has a lot of respect for her husband in a public forum raving about other men. it's not like she is in a car with her best friend.


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## TRy

snowcrashed said:


> She's not publicizing her preferences completely on FB. As I said, she is doing so in a private group, but it still bothers me that this is how she feels and this is what she decides to share with her friends.


 If she is publicizing it to any of her friends, then she is disrespecting you pure and simple. You need to put a stop to this immediately and tell her why. If she tries to blow you off, there needs to be consequences. You need to determine what those consequences are. For example, if you are the main breadwinner, cut back on the extras and tell her that you do not want to fund someone that disrespects you and your marriage. Another example would be, cancel that vacation she wanted to go to, and tell her that you do not wish to vacation with someone that disrespects you to her friends. Do not go for walks with her, and cancel any date nights. Tell her that if divorce is the end result, so be it. Do not argue with her or back down. Tell her she either respects you or she does not, and you will treat her accordingly. Again, do not argue or back down.


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## Cletus

I'm never not amazed at the rigidity of some people. 

If I lived with someone who took every perceived slight as an excuse to cut off funds, make ultimatums, and deliver bellicose speeches about how I absolutely MUST behave, I would have wound up divorced long ago. 

My opinion is that it's a bit of harmless snicker inducing slightly naughty girl fun that in reality hurts no one. You're better off growing a thicker skin and managing your own insecurities than you are in making this your Hamburger Hill on which to die in the good fight.

Don't like what the ladies are posting in their private group? Don't read it. Keeping your wife from engaging in this little bit of fun 1) will not make you more attractive 2) will not make them less attractive 3) will not in any tangible way advance your cause. 

Actions speak louder than words, and she's still with you.


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## EleGirl

snowcrashed,

Do you use porn? 

If you do, does your wife know that you do?

How does she feel about you using porn?


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## Catherine602

snowcrashed said:


> I would but it wouldn't do anything and only draw hate towards me. Because the second any guy posts pictures of attractive women anywhere when he's in a committed relationship, he's the bad guy. When women do it, they're 'expressing' themselves.


Who cares what other people think, they are not in your relationship. If your wife does not mind then post them. It's not tit-for-tat, she is the one who set the tone of the relationship. Empathy is not always spontaneous, it is learned. She needs to learn that when something is a problem for one person in a relationship, it's a problem for both. 

I don't think it is a bid to be overly controlling. Is accommodating someone you love letting them control you? He is not asking her to stop looking at pictures just use discretion. 

I don't like porn but my husband does. I just asked him to be discreet but otherwise it's his private business. I really appreciate that he cares enough about how I feel to change his viewing habits.


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## Lila

I get the feeling OP would be upset with his wife just for looking at the pictures online, even if she wasn't posting them to facebook. 

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## MJJEAN

@snowcrashed has already communicated the problem and basically got told to stop crying about it, it's no big deal. Since direct communication failed, I think posting hot pale redheads might work, but there is a possibility of backfire. 

Seems the point of saying give her a taste of her own medicine is to teach her empathy, to make her feel the way Snowcrashed feels. It's entirely possible that plan will fail. Might be that she has no problem with her own medicine. Might be that seeing hot women plastering her husbands FB wouldn't bother her in the slightest because she is not wired that way.


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## Blondilocks

At least he'll have some eye candy, too.


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## MEM2020

The REAL issue is that she isn't attracted to you. 

That is the only CORE issue. The rest of it is just a distraction. 

It is unrealistic to expect a partner not to feel attraction for others. And foolish to remain with a partner who isn't attracted to you. 






snowcrashed said:


> Maybe I'm being a little weird here, but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.
> 
> I suppose I should try to not be bothered by this, but I just find it disrespectful to our marriage that she has to constantly seek out this content online and share it with her closest mom friends on FB. I am naturally attracted to pale skinned red heads, but I'm not going around posting pictures of them for all my friends to see. Does anyone else have issues with this behavior from their partner?
> 
> For a little background, I have tried to talk to her about it before and she just dismisses it telling me I'm insecure. While I do have some insecurities I have battled for years now, it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.


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## bandit.45

Ignore all that tit-for-tat bullish!t the others are espousing. Don't lower yourself to that crap. 

Snowcrashed here is what you do man...

Go to a website called No More Mister Nice Guy and download the book and read it. It's not a long read. 

Then, get yourself a membership at a gym. Get a gym guy there to show you proper weightlifting techniques. Then hit that sh!t every day, working light and building up slowly. 

Eat a high protein, low fat and carb diet and cut out the sugar. Load up on the veggies. Take supplements. Drink a protein shake day and night. 

Get your teeth cleaned and shined up, shave that head bald as fvck. Then continue your routine daily. 

At home, be the best dad you can be, spend lots of time with your kids and stop fawning over your wife. Ignore her stupidity. Be kind and gentlemanly but say only what you need to say and chill out. Dump your Facebook page. Seriously man, you don't need that piece of sh!t site. All it does it drag you down. Tell her to grow the hell up and stop acting like a teenager. 

Work out like a motherfvcker and start becoming the guy you want to be. Start dressing nice and start talking to as any women as you can. Don't flirt, but be open and friendly. It will piss your wife off to no end and she might begrudgingly start respecting you. 

It's called upping your sex rank. If your sex rank is higher than your wife's, her competitive instincts will kick in and she might start treating you nicer. She'll see you making all these gains and start worrying you are on the road to replacing her. She might start acting like a wife again.


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## Legend

Couldn't have said it better, bandit.45


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## Catherine602

Getting into shape and looking good should be for you. It will increase your self-esteem and take the focus off of your wife a bit. Playing the numbers game and chatting up women to make her worried will not get your wife to respect you or fix the emotional estrangement. Have a real relationship and fix the problems that are before you without creating new ones. 

I think your time will be better spent increasing your self direction and independence. Make plans for the future, try new activities and invite your wife along. A lack of respect cannot exist is a happy relationship so that is the first thing you need to work on. 

I am sure other posters can suggest things you can do to that end. One simple thing is stop her saying or doing disrespectful things. Tell her to stop, don't listen or engage when she does. There has to be consequences if she continues.


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## delta88

Nice to see how social media is enriching our lives and bringing us all closer together. And we wonder why people can't be bothered with it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts

I guess I'd have to say man up.

Hit the gym to increase your self esteem, your health, and get that dopamine flowing. I did 40 minutes elliptical tonight at about 85% of my max heart rate (get a polar H7 or similar heart rate monitor to track your progress) and it took care of some bu11crap I was having to deal with at work - totally relieved my stress. 

So the working out is for your body, self esteem and mind.

I pay a personal trainer $50 per 45 minute session 2x a week and I push a ton of weight in that time and it is making a big difference.

I am still 60-75 lbs overweight so don't think this only for guys in shape. But I'm a healthy fat fvck!

Your w disregards your opinion because you allow it. Pure and simple. The TAM ladies will vouch for me when I say that some women will push the limits of respect and get carried away - but will jump and be ashamed of it if called out properly by a man with self respect. It's not about tit for tat - it's the "dad stare" (or mom stare) - you know the one that says "you better think twice before you EVEN think about talking back". Not saying to treat her like a kid, but frankly calling out an adult is very similar - you just can sometimes say less because they're an adult and will see you mean business,

Anyway enough blathering. Good luck. Check for your nads on her purse if you can't find them laying about (sorry couldn't help it )


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## *Deidre*

bandit.45 said:


> Ignore all that tit-for-tat bullish!t the others are espousing. Don't lower yourself to that crap.
> 
> Snowcrashed here is what you do man...
> 
> Go to a website called No More Mister Nice Guy and download the book and read it. It's not a long read.
> 
> Then, get yourself a membership at a gym. Get a gym guy there to show you proper weightlifting techniques. Then hit that sh!t every day, working light and building up slowly.
> 
> Eat a high protein, low fat and carb diet and cut out the sugar. Load up on the veggies. Take supplements. Drink a protein shake day and night.
> 
> Get your teeth cleaned and shined up, shave that head bald as fvck. Then continue your routine daily.
> 
> At home, be the best dad you can be, spend lots of time with your kids and stop fawning over your wife. Ignore her stupidity. Be kind and gentlemanly but say only what you need to say and chill out. Dump your Facebook page. Seriously man, you don't need that piece of sh!t site. All it does it drag you down. Tell her to grow the hell up and stop acting like a teenager.
> 
> Work out like a motherfvcker and start becoming the guy you want to be. Start dressing nice and start talking to as any women as you can. Don't flirt, but be open and friendly. It will piss your wife off to no end and she might begrudgingly start respecting you.
> 
> It's called upping your sex rank. If your sex rank is higher than your wife's, her competitive instincts will kick in and she might start treating you nicer. She'll see you making all these gains and start worrying you are on the road to replacing her. She might start acting like a wife again.


Why do people get married if all they do is spend their time trying to out-game each other?

If he does this (with the intent of upsetting his wife), he's no better than her. She sounds like she's a sophomore in high school, not a married woman lol Married men and women sit around sharing pics of hot guys/women with their friends on facebook? Some of you really married the wrong person, seriously.


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## jmv2003

I don't think it is very nice of her to tell you that you are insecure when you come to her with this. Coming from someone who is separated from someone and one of the problems being that he never opened up(even after I asked him), I think it is great that you spoke up! Good for you! 
I don't agree with what she is doing. I never did this on FB b/c my husband would see and I would never want him to feel the way you are feeling. With that said, just b/c she is sharing these pictures, doesn't mean she doesn't love and care about you. There were times I would think that I would want my husband to look like the hunk on my FB feed. But then, I would look at him and realize, he is hot! I would also be reminded of how much I love HIM and what a good father HE is to our children, not this man on the internet.


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## Tiggy!

EleGirl said:


> snowcrashed,
> 
> Do you use porn?
> 
> If you do, does your wife know that you do?
> 
> How does she feel about you using porn?




:iagree:
I don't know how serious she will take your feelings if you're also lusting over hot people on the internet.


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## wild jade

^^^^ :iagree:

I'm sure she's aware that you much prefer pale redheads, and feels more or less the same way about it.


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## SimplyAmorous

snowcrashed said:


> Maybe I'm being a little weird here, but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.
> 
> I suppose I should try to not be bothered by this, but* I just find it disrespectful to our marriage that she has to constantly seek out this content online and share it with her closest mom friends on FB. *I am naturally attracted to pale skinned red heads, but I'm not going around posting pictures of them for all my friends to see. Does anyone else have issues with this behavior from their partner?
> 
> For a little background, I have tried to talk to her about it before and she just dismisses it telling me I'm insecure. While I do have some insecurities I have battled for years now, it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.


My 1st thought reading this is.. I wonder what these other MOMS are thinking about her behavior.. I mean.. really.. being married & posting numerous Hot guys on Facebook...it just looks VERY BAD... it is pathetically disrespectful... this is teenager behavior..... does her friends do this too.. do they comment... can you give us some idea what she SAYS about these guys.. and what sort of comments she is getting ?? 

I had 1 friend who did this on occasion.. I'd notice the posts.. Never responded to any of them....sometimes even a video of a guy, with his abs showing.. I recall there was one near naked scrubbing the floor or something....eventually her husband cheated on her.. now they are divorced.. she was pretty upset.. but seriously , our energies should be going to each other... just sad really...

Gotta greatly appreciate @bandit.45 's post on this thread.. that's your plan of redemption -in this situation!


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## alexm

Married but Happy said:


> Even if your wife is not a pale skinned red head, you are attracted to her, are you not? Similarly, she may be attracted to you even though she has other attractions. I am attracted to certain petite Asian women, and even dated some, but I am very attracted to my wife who is neither petite nor Asian. I would never make her feel inadequate - and she certainly isn't! You may have a real problem if this is more than a celebrity-type infatuation.


This^

When you marry someone, it's because they have the whole package (or most of it), not simply because they're 'hot'.

Besides, when you truly love someone, that automatically increases the physical attraction.

The vast majority of us men do not look anything like the guys that your wife is posting pictures of on Facebook, yet we still have wives or girlfriends or get laid. The vast majority of women do not look like they stepped out of the pages of Playboy, yet they still have husbands or boyfriends or get laid.

I agree that sharing photos on FB is juvenile, and the type of thing that 15 year olds do. But it doesn't mean she doesn't find YOU attractive or sexy. It also doesn't mean that if somebody came along who looked like one of those guys, she'd automatically dump you and shack up with him.

It's eye candy. I sometimes see women that I'm physically attracted to and I may do a double take. But I don't obsess over them.

I'm lucky, in that my wife has the type of body I prefer - very curvy and voluptuous, smaller breasts, swinging hips, etc. I rarely indulge in porn, but when I do, the women generally look similar. That's not to say that I don't get excited over other body types, however. Or skin color, breast size, age, whatever.


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## bandit.45

*Deidre* said:


> *Why do people get married if all they do is spend their time trying to out-game each other?*
> 
> If he does this (with the intent of upsetting his wife), he's no better than her. She sounds like she's a sophomore in high school, not a married woman lol Married men and women sit around sharing pics of hot guys/women with their friends on facebook? Some of you really married the wrong person, seriously.


Because societal values have changed.  

What is wrong with showing her he is attractive to other women? It might just re-focus her.


----------



## tech-novelist

*Deidre* said:


> *Why do people get married if all they do is spend their time trying to out-game each other?*
> 
> If he does this (with the intent of upsetting his wife), he's no better than her. She sounds like she's a sophomore in high school, not a married woman lol Married men and women sit around sharing pics of hot guys/women with their friends on facebook? Some of you really married the wrong person, seriously.


That's not usually the original intent, but sometimes it ends up that way. What should a man (or woman) do if their spouse starts giving them grief like this? Divorce is a lot more expensive and difficult than doing what it takes to stop such disrespectful behavior in one's spouse... assuming there is a way to stop it. If there isn't, then the marriage is effectively over anyway.


----------



## wild jade

I'm a bit confused by this thread. Isn't this just locker-room banter?

Don't guys ever hang out and talk about how hot some women are? Actually I know they do. So why is this so different and now suddenly so extremely disrespectful? :scratchhead:

People talk about how hot other people are all the time. Men and women. Married, partnered, single. You name it.


----------



## Tiggy!

wild jade said:


> I'm a bit confused by this thread. Isn't this just locker-room banter?
> 
> Don't guys ever hang out and talk about how hot some women are? Actually I know they do. So why is this so different and now suddenly so extremely disrespectful? :scratchhead:
> 
> People talk about how hot other people are all the time. Men and women. Married, partnered, single. You name it.


I was thinking that exact same thing, she's PMing her friends about hot guys. Seriously how much locker room banter and porn is defended on this forum
I'm confused by a lot if the responses on this thread.

If the op does look at porn, the op's wife is already getting a "taste of her own medicine".


----------



## TheTruthHurts

wild jade said:


> I'm a bit confused by this thread. Isn't this just locker-room banter?
> 
> Don't guys ever hang out and talk about how hot some women are? Actually I know they do. So why is this so different and now suddenly so extremely disrespectful? :scratchhead:
> 
> People talk about how hot other people are all the time. Men and women. Married, partnered, single. You name it.




Single guys yes; married guys rarely. And never in my life have I seen married guys sharing images and commenting like this. This is what guys do when they want to score with someone or are planning it.

The exception is guys who post homemade porn with wives, GF and ONS. But that's really not supporting her position.

Another exception might be a gag gift of a calendar or something. And of course SI swimsuit edition but I've never heard of guys sharing that. Personal gawking yes


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tiggy!

TheTruthHurts said:


> Single guys yes; married guys rarely. And never in my life have I seen married guys sharing images and commenting like this. This is what guys do when they want to score with someone or are planning it.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/349450-female-celeb-you-crushing.html


Irony is the thread was made by poster in this thread and a couple of other guys in this thread were also posting pictures of attractive women.
Got to love double standards.


----------



## TAM2013

If a spider crawls across the bed and the husband screams like a girl leaving his wife to deal with it, he's a sissy. Women won't respect him because he doesn't display the traits expected of a man and of which she wants to be associated.

If a woman talks dirty to an audience, married or not she's a bit dirty. Men won't respect her because she doesn't display the traits expected of a woman and of which he wants to be associated.

There is sh!t men can get away with and there's sh!t women can get away with. Equating the same social reactions to a given behavour across both genders is a childish oversimplification and is detrimental to the way the genders view and value each other.

This has gone so far into utter madness, in this thread it's actually the WOMAN pushing the boundaries of traditionally MALE behavour and it's the MALE who is concerned about 'drawing hate towards himself' should he retaliate in the same fashion (traditionally male remember). Truly staggering.

He does it, why can't I? Because he's a man, woman. She does it, why can't I? Because she's a woman, man.

God fvcking help us.


----------



## nirvana

Blondilocks said:


> What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Seriously, don't take that crap lying down. Don't be afraid of being called a chauvinist pig - you like what you like just as your wife likes what she likes.


My wife calls me a chauvinist pig all the time and I don't give an F.
I know in my heart that I am not a chauvinist pig and I have made opportunities for her that her father did not (a true chauvinist pig). Just because she calls me names when she is angry and wants her way in some unreasonable demand, does not mean that I acquiesce.


----------



## nirvana

bandit.45 said:


> Because societal values have changed.
> 
> What is wrong with showing her he is attractive to other women? It might just re-focus her.



Yes, and it would be naive to think that your spouse does not want to control you in some way and gain an upper hand. Is not ideal but it happens often. Human nature.


----------



## Tiggy!

TAM2013 said:


> If a spider crawls across the bed and the husband screams like a girl leaving his wife to deal with it, he's a sissy. Women won't respect him because he doesn't display the traits expected of a man and of which she wants to be associated.
> 
> If a woman talks dirty to an audience, married or not she's a bit dirty. Men won't respect her because she doesn't display the traits expected of a woman and of which he wants to be associated.
> 
> There is sh!t men can get away with and there's sh!t women can get away with. Equating the same social reactions to a given behavour across both genders is a childish oversimplification and is detrimental to the way the genders view and value each other.
> 
> This has gone so far into utter madness, in this thread it's actually the WOMAN pushing the boundaries of traditionally MALE behavour and it's the MALE who is concerned about 'drawing hate towards himself' should he retaliate in the same fashion (traditionally male remember). Truly staggering.
> 
> He does it, why can't I? Because he's a man, woman. She does it, why can't I? Because she's a woman, man.
> 
> God fvcking help us.


lol for someone who constantly posts about double standards, your sure do try to defend the double standards you like.
Is it really traditionally male behaviour to post pictures of attractive men?


Nice try snowflake.


----------



## nirvana

TAM2013 said:


> If a spider crawls across the bed and the husband screams like a girl leaving his wife to deal with it, he's a sissy. Women won't respect him because he doesn't display the traits expected of a man and of which she wants to be associated.
> 
> If a woman talks dirty to an audience, married or not she's a bit dirty. Men won't respect her because she doesn't display the traits expected of a woman and of which he wants to be associated.
> 
> There is sh!t men can get away with and there's sh!t women can get away with. Equating the same social reactions to a given behavour across both genders is a childish oversimplification and is detrimental to the way the genders view and value each other.
> 
> This has gone so far into utter madness, in this thread it's actually the WOMAN pushing the boundaries of traditionally MALE behavour and it's the MALE who is concerned about 'drawing hate towards himself' should he retaliate in the same fashion (traditionally male remember). Truly staggering.
> 
> He does it, why can't I? Because he's a man, woman. She does it, why can't I? Because she's a woman, man.
> 
> God fvcking help us.


Beautiful post! I wonder why there are not likes except mine??

Women have traditionally been suppressed but now society is letting them open up so many are misusing it and pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable and taunting men if they don't find such behavior tasteful. If they don't, they call the men "insecure". Example: "Why can't I constantly text my male friend at all hours of the day? Are you insecure???". 

Men today are beaten down and told that women can do anything they want and men just have to be a sissy boy and accept it otherwise "society" will excommunicate him. 

I see this both in the US and in India. Men are no longer men.


----------



## Blondilocks

"If a spider crawls across the bed and the husband screams like a girl leaving his wife to deal with it, he's a sissy. Women won't respect him because he doesn't display the traits expected of a man and of which she wants to be associated."

BS. I knew spiders put my husband off so I appointed myself the official spider killer. I was forever grateful that he was the official snake handler.


----------



## TAM2013

Tiggy! proving my point of the growing agitation between men and women when women try to be men and men try to be women.


----------



## EllisRedding

To answer to the OP, make a porn with a pale red head, post on FB for your W to see >

On a serious note:

We all have our preferences, who we are attracted to, etc... no issues there. I do find it a bit odd if in a relationship and someone is going out of their way to find pictures/videos of other "attractive" people to gawk over. Also, I don't believe the OP has answered, how is the relationship currently with his W (sex, etc...). I think that would give a better indication of whether this is just gals being gals or there is truly a bigger issue in their relationship.


----------



## snowcrashed

To just answer these questions as there are too many people to reply to:

1.Both of us freely look at porn and it has never been a problem. We watch together when in the mood to do something or she wants to show me what really turns her on. So porn is a non-issue. 

2. I think the my insecurity with this issue comes from two sources. First being I was engaged to a different person well before meeting my current wife and she ended it by cheating on me. Secondly is that my current wife, back when we were dating freely told me about her sexual past. It's extensive and makes me look like a choir boy. I get worried that one day she'll grow tired of me and remember how easy she could get men to sleep with her and do it. 

3. I have no reason to actually believe she has cheated on me nor do I think she would. It's an insecurity of mine and not one so easily put in the back on my mind.


----------



## Tiggy!

You said that your wife doesn't find you attractive anymore, has she actually said that to you?


----------



## Tiggy!

TAM2013 said:


> Tiggy! proving my point of the growing agitation between men and women when women try to be men and men try to be women.


Didn't like being called out on your hypocrisy?


----------



## TAM2013

snowcrashed said:


> I get worried that one day she'll grow tired of me and remember how easy she could get men to sleep with her and do it.


Most women can and you should be worried as she's already shown the propensity to do it. This is where the ladies have the upper hand. Just like she should be worried if you are bigger and stronger than her and have a history of drunken physical aggression. Here, most men have the upper hand.


----------



## TAM2013

We are opposite sides of the same coin, Tiggy.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Tiggy! said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/349450-female-celeb-you-crushing.html
> 
> 
> Irony is the thread was made by poster in this thread and a couple of other guys in this thread were also posting pictures of attractive women.
> Got to love double standards.




How is this a double standard? Do you know what a double standard is? I related my personal experience interacting with hundreds of guys over the years, married and single. My experience is what it is. And I didn't post about a "crush".

I think you are seeing what you want to see, which is victim oriented approach and is confirmation bias.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy

I have a couple things to throw in here.

I give respect to the OP that he sees what his wife is doing as disrespectful to him and their marriage, so he doesn't want to stoop to her teeny bopper immaturity level by posting dumb pictures of random redheads on stupid A$$facebook.

Now, on a personal note...what famous men would my husband tell you I find sexy? Adam Levine and Brenden Urie (see below for reference)

That being said, as far as who I am attracted to IRL....it's hubby hubby hubby. I have _never_ been physically attracted to small men like the two rock stars mentioned above. It's just silly rock star sex appeal. I don't even really like tats on guys... Hubby is over 6 foot and BUFF. He's a big boy, freaking so hot to me.

While you think pale redheads are beautiful, you are in love with and attracted to your wife.
And while your wife thinks buff dudes are hot, she is hopefully in love with and attracted to you.
She just needs to show you respect and start listening to what you are telling her.


----------



## MrsAldi

snowcrashed said:


> To just answer these questions as there are too many people to reply to:
> 
> 2. I think the my insecurity with this issue comes from two sources. First being I was engaged to a different person well before meeting my current wife and she ended it by cheating on me. Secondly is that my current wife, back when we were dating freely told me about her sexual past. It's extensive and makes me look like a choir boy. I get worried that one day she'll grow tired of me and remember how easy she could get men to sleep with her and do it.
> 
> 3. I have no reason to actually believe she has cheated on me nor do I think she would. It's an insecurity of mine and not one so easily put in the back on my mind.


I understand that you may have certain insecurity. 
Have you explained this to your wife? 

Just because we can find certain types attractive doesn't necessarily mean cheating will happen. 
I like the look of certain actors but I wouldn't run off & cheat because they are not my husband & I don't love them. 
Although, sometimes me & my husband get a little jealous, I think that's a good thing, keeps the spark alive. 

Perhaps it's a good thing she has sowed some oats previously, it means that possibly she doesn't see any value in meaningless sex anymore but found you, a loving, faithful man. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Cletus

Spicy said:


> he doesn't want to stoop to her teeny bopper immaturity level by posting dumb pictures of random redheads on stupid A$$facebook.
> 
> Now, on a personal note...what famous men would my husband tell you I find sexy? Adam Levine and Brenden Urie (see below for reference)


Oh the deliciousness of the irony...

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61

But at the end of the day, her actions is contributing to your insecurity


----------



## Tiggy!

TheTruthHurts said:


> How is this a double standard? Do you know what a double standard is? I related my personal experience interacting with hundreds of guys over the years, married and single. My experience is what it is. And I didn't post about a "crush".
> 
> I think you are seeing what you want to see, which is victim oriented approach and is confirmation bias.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She posted a pictures of men she finds attractive, you're the one who says she posted about a 'crush'.
There is no evidence she is doing anything different that what the guys on the thread I linked were doing (I didn't even realize you posted on that thread).
You said


> Single guys yes; married guys rarely. And never in my life have I seen married guys sharing images and commenting like this


I provided a link to a thread on TAM where men are sharing pictures ( I haven't seen the op saying about how his wife commenti).
So the guys on this thread who are posting or liking post that says the op's wife is being disrespectful to the op, yet are doing the same thing the op's wife has done in the men's clubhouse on this forum have double standards. (unless they think they are disrespecting their wives and just don't care)

I hope that clears it up for you.


----------



## Lila

snowcrashed said:


> To just answer these questions as there are too many people to reply to:
> 
> 1.Both of us freely look at porn and it has never been a problem. We watch together when in the mood to do something or she wants to show me what really turns her on. So porn is a non-issue.
> 
> 2. I think the my insecurity with this issue comes from two sources. First being I was engaged to a different person well before meeting my current wife and she ended it by cheating on me. Secondly is that my current wife, back when we were dating freely told me about her sexual past. It's extensive and makes me look like a choir boy. I get worried that one day she'll grow tired of me and remember how easy she could get men to sleep with her and do it.
> 
> 3. I have no reason to actually believe she has cheated on me nor do I think she would. It's an insecurity of mine and not one so easily put in the back on my mind.


Do you think the insecurities you posted above will go away if she stops publicizing her opinions and those pics on FB?

Ideally, what do you want your wife to do? 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## nirvana

TAM2013 said:


> We are opposite sides of the same coin, Tiggy.



TAM, not to fear. I am on your side of the coin. :grin2:


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Tiggy! said:


> She posted a pictures of men she finds attractive, you're the one who says she posted about a 'crush'.
> There is no evidence she is doing anything different that what the guys on the thread I linked were doing (I didn't even realize you posted on that thread).
> You said
> I provided a link to a thread on TAM where men are sharing pictures ( I haven't seen the op saying about how his wife commenti).
> So the guys on this thread who are posting or liking post that says the op's wife is being disrespectful to the op, yet are doing the same thing the op's wife has done in the men's clubhouse on this forum have double standards. (unless they think they are disrespecting their wives and just don't care)
> 
> I hope that clears it up for you.




Not even in the slightest. You responded to MY post about MY experience and had the audacity to imply that what someone else is doing somehow impeaches my post. That's manufacturing a pseudo fact or basic truthiness right there and it is either disingenuous or ignorant - I don't know you so I don't know which.

And I never said anything about a crush. You said that.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## wild jade

TheTruthHurts said:


> Not even in the slightest. You responded to MY post about MY experience and had the audacity to imply that what someone else is doing somehow impeaches my post. That's manufacturing a pseudo fact or basic truthiness right there and it is either disingenuous or ignorant - I don't know you so I don't know which.
> 
> And I never said anything about a crush. You said that.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Wasn't Tiggy just showing that your experience is most certainly not that of all men? I mean it's pretty clear that lots of married man share pix of hot girls and spend lots of time commenting on them.

And it's just locker-room banter, right? I mean they don't necessarily want to cheat or go after these women, do they?


----------



## Spicy

Cletus said:


> Oh the deliciousness of the irony...
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


Obviously pictures posted of who I was referring to since this is an international board, and they are not necessarily well known by everyone. This was to drive home the point that they are opposite of my husband (as is the OPs concern with who his wife is posting about) and I was to trying to comfort him a tad. God forbid. That's not the general vibe here on TAM...so y'all can continue to tell him to exact revenge, and that he should change everything about himself. That's where I find irony.


----------



## Tiggy!

TheTruthHurts said:


> Not even in the slightest. You responded to MY post about MY experience and had the audacity to imply that what someone else is doing somehow impeaches my post. That's manufacturing a pseudo fact or basic truthiness right there and it is either disingenuous or ignorant - I don't know you so I don't know which.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I replied to you post, I never said I was replying to you experiences. 
I also never implied that other's actions on this thread impeaches your post.

You responded to wild jade with your experiences in life, I responded to your post with my experience on this forum.


----------



## Celes

If it's a private thread with her friends, then I think you're letting your insecurity get to your head. As someone mentioned, there's a thread right in the Men's Clubhouse where men are posting pics of women they crush on. It's harmless. 

Have you sought counseling?


----------



## EllisRedding

Celes said:


> If it's a private thread with her friends, then I think you're letting your insecurity get to your head. As someone mentioned, there's a thread right in the Men's Clubhouse where men are posting pics of women they crush on. It's harmless.
> 
> Have you sought counseling?


Do you still think it is insecurity if in fact his W has shown that she is not attracted to him anymore? It is not clear how exactly he knows this, or if he is just assuming based on the pictures she looks at. The OP did state :



> it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.


----------



## MattMatt

Tiggy! said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/349450-female-celeb-you-crushing.html
> 
> 
> Irony is the thread was made by poster in this thread and a couple of other guys in this thread were also posting pictures of attractive women.
> Got to love double standards.


I think there is nothing wrong with sharing pictures. So long as it is equal opportunity sharing.


----------



## TAM2013

Why is it if a man takes exception to his woman looking at images of dudes he's insecure yet when a woman takes exception to her man looking at images of women, she's completely justified?


----------



## Tiggy!

MattMatt said:


> I think there is nothing wrong with sharing pictures. So long as it is equal opportunity sharing.


100% agree

However the guys who participated on that thread are aren't any different to the op's wife, so them posting/liking posts saying she's disrespectful/immature is a bit of a joke.

They both watch porn and only the op can answer if his wife would be bothered if he posted on a thread like the one in the men's clubhouse or pm on fb with friends.


----------



## sokillme

MEM2020 said:


> The REAL issue is that she isn't attracted to you.
> 
> That is the only CORE issue. The rest of it is just a distraction.
> 
> It is unrealistic to expect a partner not to feel attraction for others. And foolish to remain with a partner who isn't attracted to you.


I don't agree, first off people can be attracted to all different body types. If your wife isn't Halley Berry does that mean you are not attracted to her? Second he and many other people would feel disrespected by this, most of us have said it is disrespectful on here so it is an issue. She is doing a public thing that makes her look like she is disrespecting him, they are supposed to be a team. In this respect she doesn't have his back. I would feel like she was not being loyal to me if I asked her to stop and she did it anyway. It's one thing in private but this is public. 

The real issue is it that either she doesn't get that many would interpret this a disrespecting her husband, or that she doesn't care. If it is the latter that would be a big slight to me.


----------



## sokillme

bandit.45 said:


> Ignore all that tit-for-tat bullish!t the others are espousing. Don't lower yourself to that crap.
> 
> Snowcrashed here is what you do man...
> 
> Go to a website called No More Mister Nice Guy and download the book and read it. It's not a long read.
> 
> Then, get yourself a membership at a gym. Get a gym guy there to show you proper weightlifting techniques. Then hit that sh!t every day, working light and building up slowly.
> 
> Eat a high protein, low fat and carb diet and cut out the sugar. Load up on the veggies. Take supplements. Drink a protein shake day and night.
> 
> Get your teeth cleaned and shined up, shave that head bald as fvck. Then continue your routine daily.
> 
> At home, be the best dad you can be, spend lots of time with your kids and stop fawning over your wife. Ignore her stupidity. Be kind and gentlemanly but say only what you need to say and chill out. Dump your Facebook page. Seriously man, you don't need that piece of sh!t site. All it does it drag you down. Tell her to grow the hell up and stop acting like a teenager.
> 
> Work out like a motherfvcker and start becoming the guy you want to be. Start dressing nice and start talking to as any women as you can. Don't flirt, but be open and friendly. It will piss your wife off to no end and she might begrudgingly start respecting you.
> 
> It's called upping your sex rank. If your sex rank is higher than your wife's, her competitive instincts will kick in and she might start treating you nicer. She'll see you making all these gains and start worrying you are on the road to replacing her. She might start acting like a wife again.


OR just dump her and find someone who respects you for who you are. That seems a lot easier. Plus he does all this and in the end all he wins is a shallow insecure woman with the mentality of a juvenile. I think getting in shape is good for your own self esteem but the only way to be a true "alpha" is to be true to yourself and know your own worth. Playing games ain't going to get you there.


----------



## sokillme

wild jade said:


> I'm a bit confused by this thread. Isn't this just locker-room banter?
> 
> Don't guys ever hang out and talk about how hot some women are? Actually I know they do. So why is this so different and now suddenly so extremely disrespectful? :scratchhead:
> 
> People talk about how hot other people are all the time. Men and women. Married, partnered, single. You name it.


It's the posting it on the site that is the issue. If she was just talking about hot guys with her girlfriends I doubt he would care, she is leaving a record of these talks. More comparable would be to text locker room talk, surely you can see the difference?


----------



## jb02157

snowcrashed said:


> To just answer these questions as there are too many people to reply to:
> 
> 1.Both of us freely look at porn and it has never been a problem. We watch together when in the mood to do something or she wants to show me what really turns her on. So porn is a non-issue.
> 
> 2. I think the my insecurity with this issue comes from two sources. First being I was engaged to a different person well before meeting my current wife and she ended it by cheating on me. Secondly is that my current wife, back when we were dating freely told me about her sexual past. It's extensive and makes me look like a choir boy. I get worried that one day she'll grow tired of me and remember how easy she could get men to sleep with her and do it.
> 
> 3. I have no reason to actually believe she has cheated on me nor do I think she would. It's an insecurity of mine and not one so easily put in the back on my mind.


It looks to me that we both married the wrong woman, although you had a chance to get out before you married her.


----------



## sokillme

nirvana said:


> Beautiful post! I wonder why there are not likes except mine??
> 
> Women have traditionally been suppressed but now society is letting them open up so many are misusing it and pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable and taunting men if they don't find such behavior tasteful. If they don't, they call the men "insecure". Example: "Why can't I constantly text my male friend at all hours of the day? Are you insecure???".
> 
> Men today are beaten down and told that women can do anything they want and men just have to be a sissy boy and accept it otherwise "society" will excommunicate him.
> 
> I see this both in the US and in India. Men are no longer men.


Any man who is beat down is that way because he is weak. I have never had anyone woman or man disrespect me in a relationship (friendship or love), you know why, because they knew I wouldn't put up with it. It would just be too uncomfortable for them to do this to me, or I would just leave. I set the tone by how I treat them and what I will tolerate. 

In your example if I was dating someone who I found out was doing this, then I wouldn't even complain to give her the chance to call me "insecure" I would just tell her she is too immature for me to be bothered with her and move on. If she called me insecure I would laugh at her because consider the source. Society has nothing to do with that. Plenty of woman have posted on here that this seems childish, go find a woman like that.


----------



## Lila

TAM2013 said:


> Why is it if a man takes exception to his woman looking at images of dudes he's insecure yet when a woman takes exception to her man looking at images of women, she's completely justified?


I'm not sure why you believe this but here are two recent threads where women discuss their insecurities regarding porn. The vast majority of the response posts were telling these women to not let it bother them because even though their husbands were watching porn, it didn't mean they were comparing the porn girls in movies/magazines to their wives. In the case of @Daisy12, she was told to basically grow a thicker skin since she's got a healthy sexual relationship with her husband. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/348122-need-some-insight.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/341817-need-honest-answers-men.html

These are just a couple of examples of the same type of responses whenever a woman posts about her insecurities regarding porn. There are 100s of threads just like them on TAM. So NO, TAM2013, women are definitely not told their anger is justified.


----------



## xMadame

Those pictures and the forum is the equivalent of a book club where they discuss romance novels.

The fact that you said you watch porn together leads me to believe that she is probably a very secure woman....whereas you have admitted that you are not.

You need to work on gaining back your security, or your marriage is a good as over. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Cletus

EllisRedding said:


> Do you still think it is insecurity if in fact his W has shown that she is not attracted to him anymore? It is not clear how exactly he knows this, or if he is just assuming based on the pictures she looks at. The OP did state :


It is "harmless" insofar as it didn't cause her to lose interest in him nor will stopping it magically get her interest back.

It is a red herring at best. It is a symptom, not the underlying problem. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## ABHale

snowcrashed said:


> She's not publicizing her preferences completely on FB. As I said, she is doing so in a private group, but it still bothers me that this is how she feels and this is what she decides to share with her friends.


Just ask her if she thinks so little of you that she has to look up and post the pics.

If she blows off how you feel and what think about her doing this. I would start posting pics of other women if I were you. Lets her see what it feels like.


----------



## sokillme

Besides her posting pictures and his insecurity the bigger problem is he asked her to stop and she belittled him. This is again the same thing, she is disrespectful to her spouse. No matter what you think about the rest everyone can agree this is not a good thing for a marriage.


----------



## Lila

This was OP's latest update. 



snowcrashed said:


> I think the my insecurity with this issue comes from two sources. First being I was engaged to a different person well before meeting my current wife and she ended it by cheating on me. Secondly is that my current wife, back when we were dating freely told me about her sexual past. It's extensive and makes me look like a choir boy. I get worried that one day she'll grow tired of me and remember how easy she could get men to sleep with her and do it.


It's possible OP's wife doesn't stop posting the photos because she knows it's not the source for his insecurities. He needs to resolve HIS unresolved issues, otherwise he's going to just find something else to focus his insecurities on.


----------



## EllisRedding

Lila said:


> This was OP's latest update.
> 
> 
> 
> It's possible OP's wife doesn't stop posting the photos because she knows it's not the source for his insecurities. He needs to resolve HIS unresolved issues, otherwise he's going to just find something else to focus his insecurities on.


He may have insecurities, but he has also yet to comment on how he knows his W does not find him attractive (as he stated in his first post). If he could clarify, has her actions/words confirmed this or is it just purely his assumption based on the FB posts (a big difference IMO).


----------



## EllisRedding

sokillme said:


> Besides her posting pictures and his insecurity the bigger problem is he asked her to stop and she belittled him. This is again the same thing, she is disrespectful to her spouse. No matter what you think about the rest everyone can agree this is not a good thing for a marriage.


^ This as well. He told her it bothered him and she dismissed him, simply calling him insecure. I wonder how many here would truly be OK if you told your SO they were doing something that bothered you and their response was to simply dismiss you?


----------



## Lila

EllisRedding said:


> He may have insecurities, but he has also yet to comment on how he knows his W does not find him attractive (as he stated in his first post). If he could clarify, has her actions/words confirmed this or is it just purely his assumption based on the FB posts (a big difference IMO).


He has another thread where he complained about the same FB mommy group. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...21-facebook-negatively-affecting-my-wife.html

She complains about him to her 'mommy friends'. Not sure he's ever discussed his findings with her in a productive way probably because he snoops to get the information.


----------



## Lila

EllisRedding said:


> ^ This as well. He told her it bothered him and she dismissed him, simply calling him insecure. *I wonder how many here would truly be OK if you told your SO they were doing something that bothered you and their response was to simply dismiss you?*


Maybe OP's wife sees his concerns as nothing more than a sh!t test?


----------



## Buddy400

This is a tricky topic.

My wife and I are 100% secure in our relationship.

My wife points out women in revealing outfits that she knows will appeal to me. She will occasionally note how handsome an actor is. It doesn't bother me, I *know* that George Clooney is better looking than me.

We have watched porn together.

I never comment on a women's looks. She may say that a woman has great breasts, to which I respond "those are the *second best* boobs I've ever seen".

But, we *know* that we are each of the general physical type that the other prefers. We tell each other this on a regular basis.

If I was short and my wife constantly pointed out how hot tall guys were, that would bother me. I'd suspect that she wasn't attracted to me physically at all.

I don't have a problem knowing that looks weren't the main factor in her attraction to me (I know that they aren't). In fact, I'm happier with the fact that her attraction to me is much deeper than that. But I would have a problem if I thought that my looks were something that she had to *overcome*.

Once, a couple of months ago, she made a comment about a part of a guy's anatomy that was completely different than mine (no, not THAT). It hurt a bit and, after mulling it over, I asked her to try and avoid comments like that. She wisely claimed that she was commenting about how unusual it was, not that it was better (nice move on her part!). 

So, yeah, it would be nice to be secure enough that these things didn't bother you, but that doesn't mean that it's okay for a spouse to regularly test that security.


----------



## Blondilocks

Say he had zero insecurities. Having your spouse act like a gawking teenager is distasteful and disrespectful. What excuse would she use to blow him off? She may as well have said "I don't care what you want. Leave me alone."


----------



## sokillme

Lila said:


> He has another thread where he complained about the same FB mommy group.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...21-facebook-negatively-affecting-my-wife.html
> 
> She complains about him to her 'mommy friends'. Not sure he's ever discussed his findings with her in a productive way probably because he snoops to get the information.


So she complains about him to her friends too. This woman sound completely awful, doesn't sound like good wife material. And before you jump on me as I know is your want, I would say the same thing for a husband.


----------



## sokillme

Lila said:


> This was OP's latest update.
> 
> 
> 
> It's possible OP's wife doesn't stop posting the photos because she knows it's not the source for his insecurities. He needs to resolve HIS unresolved issues, otherwise he's going to just find something else to focus his insecurities on.


Well she certainly isn't helping him with his insecurities and in that way is not being a good spouse or teammate. In fact her response is F-you get over it.


----------



## ConanHub

snowcrashed said:


> I would but it wouldn't do anything and only draw hate towards me. Because the second any guy posts pictures of attractive women anywhere when he's in a committed relationship, he's the bad guy. When women do it, they're 'expressing' themselves.


Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy and get testosterone treatments.

In other words, grow a pair and put your foot down or leave a boot print on her butt.

She is at least too immature to be married and you are too insecure and worried about what people think to take corrective measures to get her in line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602

nirvana said:


> Beautiful post! I wonder why there are not likes except mine??
> 
> Women have traditionally been suppressed but now society is letting them open up so many are misusing it and pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable and taunting men if they don't find such behavior tasteful. If they don't, they call the men "insecure". Example: "Why can't I constantly text my male friend at all hours of the day? Are you insecure???".
> 
> Men today are beaten down and told that women can do anything they want and men just have to be a sissy boy and accept it otherwise "society" will excommunicate him.
> 
> I see this both in the US and in India. Men are no longer men.


It's probably better to leave the gender army when you marry. A successful and happy marriage involves two people, not two waring fractions. No one wins in the gender wars so if you get married and you want to make a good go of it, declare a truce and join forces.

If having a requiem for the oppressed men and women of society would help this man and his wife, I'd be all for it. The solution is not so epic though. 

The only hope for them is to stop making each other miserable. They can do that if they see each other as human-beings not as the stereotypical men or women.


----------



## MEM2020

Catherine,

You raise a good point. And for some reason snow crashed seems unwilling to actually discuss her lack of attraction for him.

This focus on other people isn't helpful.




Catherine602 said:


> It's probably better to leave the gender army when you marry. A successful and happy marriage involves two people, not two waring fractions. No one wins in the gender wars so if you get married and you want to make a good go of it, declare a truce and join forces.
> 
> If having a requiem for the oppressed men and women of society would help this man and his wife, I'd be all for it. The solution is not so epic though.
> 
> The only hope for them is to stop making each other miserable. They can do that if they see each other as human-beings not as the stereotypical men or women.


----------



## sokillme

Catherine602 said:


> It's probably better to leave the gender army when you marry. A successful and happy marriage involves two people, not two waring fractions. No one wins in the gender wars so if you get married and you want to make a good go of it, declare a truce and join forces.
> 
> If having a requiem for the oppressed men and women of society would help this man and his wife, I'd be all for it. The solution is not so epic though.
> 
> The only hope for them is to stop making each other miserable. They can do that if they see each other as human-beings not as the stereotypical men or women.


Now *THIS* is a beautiful post.


----------



## sokillme

MEM2020 said:


> Catherine,
> 
> You raise a good point. And for some reason snow crashed seems unwilling to actually discuss her lack of attraction for him.
> 
> This focus on other people isn't helpful.


Why are you assuming she is not attracted to him? No where does she say this.


----------



## Kylie84

snowcrashed said:


> Maybe I'm being a little weird here, but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.
> 
> I suppose I should try to not be bothered by this, but I just find it disrespectful to our marriage that she has to constantly seek out this content online and share it with her closest mom friends on FB. I am naturally attracted to pale skinned red heads, but I'm not going around posting pictures of them for all my friends to see. Does anyone else have issues with this behavior from their partner?
> 
> For a little background, I have tried to talk to her about it before and she just dismisses it telling me I'm insecure. While I do have some insecurities I have battled for years now, *it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.*


 @sokillme


----------



## Lila

sokillme said:


> So she complains about him to her friends too. *This woman sound completely awful,* doesn't sound like good wife material. And before you jump on me as I know is your want, I would say the same thing for a husband.


I guess that makes most of us complaining about our spouses on TAM awful spouses. And before you tell me there's a difference between the anonymity of this board vs a private fb group, you really need to understand those fb mommy groups. They are like joining a 'fans' group or political affiliation group, or activity group. These so called 'friends' are random people brought together by a common interest. There may be 100 friends or a few thousand depending on the group. At the end of the day, it's just a place to vent your frustrations to a listening ear. 

OP, doesn't seem to want to respond to questions but I'll ask anyways. ..

Do you know any of the other members of this group personally? 

What sort of information is she sharing that leads you to believe she's not attracted to you? 

Have you talked to her about your concerns regarding attraction? 



sokillme said:


> And before you jump on me as *I know is your want*, I would say the same thing for a husband.


Lol. You don't know me from Adam. But by all means, continue to make incorrect assumptions about me. I find them quite funny. 



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## Lila

sokillme said:


> Well she certainly isn't helping him with his insecurities and in that way is not being a good spouse or teammate. In fact her response is F-you get over it.


So let's say she stops posting the pictures, then what? He's still going to have insecurities because, according to his last update, those insecurities have nothing to do with Facebook and those stupid pictures. That's the point. He's not addressing the true core issues. As someone else said, the Facebook pics are a red herring. 

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## TAM2013

Catherine602 said:


> It's probably better to leave the gender army when you marry. A successful and happy marriage involves two people, not two waring fractions. No one wins in the gender wars so if you get married and you want to make a good go of it, declare a truce and join forces.
> 
> If having a requiem for the oppressed men and women of society would help this man and his wife, I'd be all for it. The solution is not so epic though.
> 
> The only hope for them is to stop making each other miserable. They can do that if they see each other as human-beings not as the stereotypical men or women.


In an ideal world yes but enter the modern woman. They're not even anywhere near to this kind of emotional maturity until they're in their mid 30's if at all and lots never get there because twenty prior Mr Wrongs don't lay a good foundation when Mr 'Right' eventually turns up.


----------



## wild jade

sokillme said:


> It's the posting it on the site that is the issue. If she was just talking about hot guys with her girlfriends I doubt he would care, she is leaving a record of these talks. More comparable would be to text locker room talk, surely you can see the difference?


But it's a private group. She is just talking about hot guys with her girlfriends. The internet is the new locker-room.

Yes, she is leaving a record, but at the same time, people don't really seem to worry much about these things. Although, it would seem that the history does make it much easier for spouses to catch a glimpse of what they might otherwise never get to see.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I think leering at others is a crappy thing to do to your spouse, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how this is different from a guy's porn use. Particularly if the porn women don't look like your wife.

Which is regularly defended here.

I wonder if OP looks at porn?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EllisRedding

lifeistooshort said:


> I think leering at others is a crappy thing to do to your spouse, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how this is different from a guy's porn use. Particularly if the porn women don't look like your wife.
> 
> Which is regularly defended here.
> 
> I wonder if OP looks at porn?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP mentioned that both him and his W watch porn, sometimes together.


----------



## lifeistooshort

EllisRedding said:


> OP mentioned that both him and his W watch porn, sometimes together.


Ok, that's up to them. So is it just that she can't leer at men without him?

I wonder if he leers at women without her? 

Or is it just that he wants more sex? Ceasing to post and discuss pictures won't get him more sex. 

I believe MEM pointed out that the real issue is her attraction to him. 

Or at least his take on it. 

And if he did get more sex would be still be insecure if she was looking at men who look different than him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EllisRedding

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, that's up to them. So is it just that she can't leer at men without him?
> 
> I wonder if he leers at women without her?
> 
> Or is it just that he wants more sex? Ceasing to post and discuss pictures won't get him more sex.
> 
> I believe MEM pointed out that the real issue is her attraction to him.
> 
> Or at least his take on it.
> 
> And if he did get more sex would be still be insecure if she was looking at men who look different than him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think a big piece of the puzzle would be if the OP would answer the questions asked about his comment below:



> it doesn't help that I know she doesn't find me attractive anymore.


To me, without knowing how he arrived at this, it is a crapshoot trying to analyze further.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

I honestly do not understand how some of you women are defending this indefensible activity.

Bringing porn into it isn't even remotely the same, unless you are talking about a man openly joining a men's group to talk specifically about the women in porn - which is a very weird thing that I suppose a few guys with poor boundary issues do. Mostly guys search for specific ACTS they enjoy and focus on that. But maybe some women don't realize that. Google porn compilations and you'll see what I mean - the women are almost irrelevant.

If a husband joined a FB men's group to discuss specific body types and they're married I would also say this shows poor boundaries and I would question whether they should stay in their marriage as well.

Mutual respect and empathy is the core foundation of any LTR IMO. Other issues that arise get resolved because of this core. LTR individuals make all manner of compromise when they feel empathy and respect for their spouse because they can accept a different point of view than their own because they see what their spouse feels. If their spouse is more negatively impacted than they are positively impacted by a decision or action, they change and accommodate.

None of these relationship skills are possible with activity like OPs W.

I'm afraid TAM has many good members who haven't experienced a positive relationship in a while 


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## TheTruthHurts

@snowcrashed if your W doesn't find you attractive, and she disrespects you, and disregards your issues, then you have a real problem that can only be resolved through MC IMO.

You are not wrong to feel insecure - your W is taking actions and making statements which validate this opinion. That's not to say you shouldn't also work on your issues

But if she is unwilling to go to counseling with you and unwilling or unable to gain respect and attraction for you, then I don't see much point in persisting in this state.

I'm not saying immediately divorce, but I am saying that should be where you end up if your W won't respect, honor, cherish and empathize with you.


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----------



## sokillme

wild jade said:


> But it's a private group. She is just talking about hot guys with her girlfriends. The internet is the new locker-room.
> 
> Yes, she is leaving a record, but at the same time, people don't really seem to worry much about these things. Although, it would seem that the history does make it much easier for spouses to catch a glimpse of what they might otherwise never get to see.


So I assume you were fine with Trump's nonsense then?


----------



## sokillme

Kylie84 said:


> @sokillme


Missed that, thanks.


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## sokillme

Lila said:


> I guess that makes most of us complaining about our spouses on TAM awful spouses.


Depends if you are posting to try to make you marriage better then no, if you are complaining just to complain then pretty much. I wouldn't write anything here about my wife that I would be afraid for her to read or that I wouldn't say to her myself. If she asked me to stop I would. So yes since he asked her to stop and she dismissed him she is wrong. Nothing he has asked for is unreasonable.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

sokillme said:


> So I assume you were fine with Trump's nonsense then?


 She's been trolling through this whole thread to get someone to take that bait, and you just did.


----------



## sokillme

lifeistooshort said:


> I think leering at others is a crappy thing to do to your spouse, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how this is different from a guy's porn use. Particularly if the porn women don't look like your wife.
> 
> Which is regularly defended here.
> 
> I wonder if OP looks at porn?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it is the public nature of it. By the way if it's just head shots then I don't think it is a big deal. If there is a sexual component to the pictures then that is disrespectful, like your fireman calendar stuff. Also a lot has to do with the comments being made. I think guys who are married who post porn pictures on boards are just as "crappy" as you say.


----------



## Livvie

I find many of these responses interesting. 

There are many, many women who post about their partner's ongoing and often porn use, which these women find hurtful, and they are told men are visual and that is their business to consume porn and to stop bothering him about it and get over it. Men like to look at women, men like to get off to other women, get over it and don't try to control him.

In this case, these men the female partner is looking at aren't naked and performing sex acts that she is watching and getting off to, she is talking about attractive men with a group of women. 

Seems tame compared to porn use. Women are told that's what men do and to get used to it. Why isn't most of THIS advice that's what women do (talk about attractive men when other women) and to get used to it?


----------



## sokillme

TheTruthHurts said:


> I honestly do not understand how some of you women are defending this indefensible activity.
> 
> Bringing porn into it isn't even remotely the same, unless you are talking about a man openly joining a men's group to talk specifically about the women in porn - which is a very weird thing that I suppose a few guys with poor boundary issues do. Mostly guys search for specific ACTS they enjoy and focus on that. But maybe some women don't realize that. Google porn compilations and you'll see what I mean - the women are almost irrelevant.
> 
> If a husband joined a FB men's group to discuss specific body types and they're married I would also say this shows poor boundaries and I would question whether they should stay in their marriage as well.
> 
> Mutual respect and empathy is the core foundation of any LTR IMO. Other issues that arise get resolved because of this core. LTR individuals make all manner of compromise when they feel empathy and respect for their spouse because they can accept a different point of view than their own because they see what their spouse feels. If their spouse is more negatively impacted than they are positively impacted by a decision or action, they change and accommodate.
> 
> None of these relationship skills are possible with activity like OPs W.
> 
> I'm afraid TAM has many good members who haven't experienced a positive relationship in a while
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Have you been here long? I feel bad for the person coming on her to get advice to save a marriage. Most of the time it's - break up, men are jerks, woman are jerks. There is hardly any advice given about communication or compromise.


----------



## Cletus

EllisRedding said:


> ^ This as well. He told her it bothered him and she dismissed him, simply calling him insecure. I wonder how many here would truly be OK if you told your SO they were doing something that bothered you and their response was to simply dismiss you?


People aren't always comfortable with the truth, especially when it's their own truth. Doesn't make it wrong.

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## sokillme

Livvie said:


> I find many of these responses interesting.
> 
> There are many, many women who post about their partner's ongoing and often porn use, which these women find hurtful, and they are told men are visual and that is their business to consume porn and to stop bothering him about it and get over it. Men like to look at women, men like to get off to other women, get over it and don't try to control him.
> 
> In this case, these men the female partner is looking at aren't naked and performing sex acts that she is watching and getting off to, she is talking about attractive men with a group of women.
> 
> Seems tame compared to porn use. Women are told that's what men do and to get used to it. Why isn't most of THIS advice that's what women do (talk about attractive men when other women) and to get used to it?


Again I think OP's problem is the public nature of it. Looking a porn without interacting with anyone or commenting is one thing, posting porn and making comments are different, do you see the difference?

By the way in the same respect the woman posters on here who are hurt buy their husbands and want them to stop are saying get over it. The hypocrisy as you call it goes both ways right?


----------



## sokillme

Cletus said:


> People aren't always comfortable with the truth, especially when it's their own truth. Doesn't make it wrong.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


Doesn't make them a much of a spouse as I see it. By the way it has nothing to do with truth it has to do with actions.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Livvie said:


> I find many of these responses interesting.
> 
> There are many, many women who post about their partner's ongoing and often porn use, which these women find hurtful, and they are told men are visual and that is their business to consume porn and to stop bothering him about it and get over it. Men like to look at women, men like to get off to other women, get over it and don't try to control him.
> 
> In this case, these men the female partner is looking at aren't naked and performing sex acts that she is watching and getting off to, she is talking about attractive men with a group of women.
> 
> Seems tame compared to porn use. Women are told that's what men do and to get used to it. Why isn't most of THIS advice that's what women do (talk about attractive men when other women) and to get used to it?




Mostly because it isn't what women do - at least in the experience and from the perspective of those posting that view.

Porn use isn't really very descriptive and that's part of the problem. Couples using it for erotica is one use, people in sexless marriages (caused by things other than the porn use itself) is another, casual use is another, hardcore porn is one, viewing more adventurous or taboo things for arousal is one... each is different and has different implications. People probably reflect on THEIR use and say "hey it's not a problem" whereas others say "you're crazy - this is ruining my relationship". 

Personally, I'd be happy and pleased to find my W doing this because: she would not do it behind my back; she would share it with me; she would never unfavorably compare me; in short - she would continue to demonstrate love and respect. I don't see that same set of circumstances here, and that's what I'm responding too. (BTW my W would never do this because it would be WAY past her boundaries and comfort zone, but I'm far more ok with things).


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## Cletus

ConanHub said:


> She is at least too immature to be married and you are too insecure and worried about what people think to take corrective measures to get her in line.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really? Too immature to be married? 

I'm reminded of the joke I read recently. "My wife said I was immature. I didn't say anything. It's hard to talk with 45 gummy bears in your mouth"



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## EllisRedding

sokillme said:


> Doesn't make them a much of a spouse as I see it. By the way it has nothing to do with truth it has to do with actions.


Agreed. Once again, going back to the first post, the OP stated he found it disrespectful to their marriage, and when he brought it up with his W she simply dismissed his concerns. Maybe it is simply his insecurity, nothing more. Still, does that mean she can just dismiss his concerns. How exactly is that going to help him get over these insecurities  Also, and just my opinion, but herself and the other moms are going out of their way to find pictures of hot guys to post. It isn't like they are just watching a tv show or pass a hot guy in the store...


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## Tiggy!

OP does your wife have double standards, if she found out you had been posting pictures of attractive women online would she be bothered?


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## lifeistooshort

sokillme said:


> Again I think OP's problem is the public nature of it. Looking a porn without interacting with anyone or commenting is one thing, posting porn and making comments are different, do you see the difference?
> 
> By the way in the same respect the woman posters on here who are hurt buy their husbands and want them to stop are saying get over it. The hypocrisy as you call it goes both ways right?


I don't think we're telling him to get over it. I think what she's doing is rude and disrespectful.

Many of us are trying to understand the double standard nature of the men here claiming this is horrible while many of the same men defend porn, so clearly they think getting off to others is fine. 

And she's not even doing that, she's commenting to her friends . Not masterbating, at least as far as we know. 

If porn is ok then so is this.

OP has said even if she stops it'll still bother him because he knows she's into men who don't look like him, so I don't think it's the public nature of it. Which it's not really because it's a private group.

So in my view it's either ok to look at others sexually or it's not, whether it's pictures, calendars, videos or porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tiggy!

lifeistooshort said:


> So in my view it's either ok to look at others sexually or it's nor, whether it's pictures, calendars, videos or porn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm wondering if the OP's wife has the same view, it might be why she's dismissed the op as being feelings over her sharing pictures.


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## Cletus

EllisRedding said:


> Agreed. Once again, going back to the first post, the OP stated he found it disrespectful to their marriage, and when he brought it up with his W she simply dismissed his concerns. Maybe it is simply his insecurity, nothing more. Still, does that mean she can just dismiss his concerns. How exactly is that going to help him get over these insecurities  Also, and just my opinion, but herself and the other moms are going out of their way to find pictures of hot guys to post. It isn't like they are just watching a tv show or pass a hot guy in the store...


I'm not insensitive to the argument you're making, I just weight the factors a little differently. Maybe it comes from living with a mentally ill person for twenty years whose "concerns" about the health of her marriage were all rooted in her imagination. 

Take the CWI section here. A favorite saying among the group is to apply a metaphorical 2x4 to a spouse to get them to wake up to a problem. To me, it's better to address the reality of the situation than to give it life and support through some ill conceived commiseration. 

Like they say - feelings aren't wrong, but not addressing the actual cause ensures that they never go away. Patting you on the back and saying "there, there" when you're wrong helps no one.

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## lucy999

Lila said:


> So let's say she stops posting the pictures, then what? He's still going to have insecurities because, according to his last update, those insecurities have nothing to do with Facebook and those stupid pictures. That's the point. He's not addressing the true core issues. As someone else said, the Facebook pics are a red herring.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


All of this is true. And eventually, he does need to address those core insecurities. 

However, in the meantime, her actions are certainly not helping the problem, especially if she knows it is an issue for him. You should build your spouse up in times like these. When my boyfriend has an issue, or vice versa, our first inclination is to help them through the issue. That's what real, loving spouses do. I feel like she is poking the bear, so to speak.



Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Lila

lucy999 said:


> All of this is true. And eventually, he does need to address those core insecurities.
> 
> However, in the meantime, her actions are certainly not helping the problem, especially if she knows it is an issue for him. You should build your spouse up in times like these. When my boyfriend has an issue, or vice versa, our first inclination is to help them through the issue. That's what real, loving spouses do. I feel like she is poking the bear, so to speak.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


I agree that loving spouses should build up their spouses but there's a thin line between being supportive and enabling. We have to look at each case individually. This thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/350514-head-spinning-need-advice.html was written from the other side's point of view. The husband, OP, was being asked by his wife to stop doing things that were bothering her, including speaking to female friends. The advice was generally that he's enabling her 'crazy' by acquiescing to her demands.


In this case, OP has said that his insecurities have haunted him for a very long time, specifically the entirety of their marriage. I think he mentioned somewhere that he's done IC in the past but apparently hasn't been successful. Now he's asking his wife to stop posting pics of men, not because he thinks it's childish, but because "they look nothing like him". 

What it boils down to is that he feels his wife is not attracted to him for some reason. Several people here have asked him several times to answer this very simple question.....*What makes you think she's not attracted to you*? Unfortunately, he won't answer this or any other question for that matter. It's impossible to help him unless we know more about his situation.


----------



## x598

op in my opinion......your wife's drooling over these theoretical guys and her sharing it with friends.....

TOTALLY disrespectful and out of line. what even worse is she basically told you to pound sand when you shared your feelings it bothered her.

To me, this has nothing to do with the fantasy guys. This is just a symptom of a bigger problem..... your wife thinks you are a chump.

there are many ways to deal with the larger issue. but doing nothing isn't one of them, it will only make the disrespect get worse and embolden her take even further destructive behaviors.


----------



## sokillme

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't think we're telling him to get over it. I think what she's doing is rude and disrespectful.
> 
> Many of us are trying to understand the double standard nature of the men here claiming this is horrible while many of the same men defend porn, so clearly they think getting off to others is fine.
> 
> And she's not even doing that, she's commenting to her friends . Not masterbating, at least as far as we know.
> 
> If porn is ok then so is this.
> 
> OP has said even if she stops it'll still bother him because he knows she's into men who don't look like him, so I don't think it's the public nature of it. Which it's not really because it's a private group.
> 
> So in my view it's either ok to look at others sexually or it's not, whether it's pictures, calendars, videos or porn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are ignoring the public nature of this. He already said he doesn't care if she watches porn. It's that she is doing it in public.


----------



## sokillme

Cletus said:


> Maybe it comes from living with a mentally ill person for twenty years whose "concerns" about the health of her marriage were all rooted in her imagination.


I think this is it. Empathy is the hallmark of a good relationship, a lack of empathy is going to make for big problems in a marriage.


----------



## sokillme

Lila said:


> I agree that loving spouses should build up their spouses but there's a thin line between being supportive and enabling. We have to look at each case individually. This thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/350514-head-spinning-need-advice.html was written from the other side's point of view. The husband, OP, was being asked by his wife to stop doing things that were bothering her, including speaking to female friends. The advice was generally that he's enabling her 'crazy' by acquiescing to her demands.
> 
> 
> In this case, OP has said that his insecurities have haunted him for a very long time, specifically the entirety of their marriage. I think he mentioned somewhere that he's done IC in the past but apparently hasn't been successful. Now he's asking his wife to stop posting pics of men, not because he thinks it's childish, but because "they look nothing like him".
> 
> What it boils down to is that he feels his wife is not attracted to him for some reason. Several people here have asked him several times to answer this very simple question.....*What makes you think she's not attracted to you*? Unfortunately, he won't answer this or any other question for that matter. It's impossible to help him unless we know more about his situation.


My question is why doesn't she want to help him. Isn't that what a spouse is supposed to do. If she knows that he is insecure why does she take actions that just contribute to his insecurities. That is not honoring him.


----------



## Lila

sokillme said:


> My question is why doesn't she want to help him. Isn't that what a spouse is supposed to do. If she knows that he is insecure why does she do actions that just contribute to his insecurities.


As I stated in my post, there's a thin line with being supportive and enabling. His insecurities about having a previous girlfriend cheat on him and his wife's sexual history are his to resolve. 

It seems like he's picking on unrelated things to cope with _his _ issues. Since he's stated he struggled with insecurities throughout his marriage, just like the thread I quoted in my post, this could be one more demand that he's made from her to fill his void. Maybe she's done enabling him. All of this is supposition based on a few posts since *OP won't answer questions *. 

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## Buddy400

lifeistooshort said:


> I think leering at others is a crappy thing to do to your spouse, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how this is different from a guy's porn use. Particularly if the porn women don't look like your wife.
> 
> Which is regularly defended here.
> 
> I wonder if OP looks at porn?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the difference is that when I look at porn, the primary reason is not to look at attractive women who turn me on.

I'm looking at porn because of what the women are *doing*.

Of course, if I found the women's appearance repulsive, I wouldn't be interested in watching.


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## EllisRedding

Buddy400 said:


> Of course, if I found the women's appearance repulsive, I wouldn't be interested in watching.


Make sure you avoid HD porn >


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## soccermom2three

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, that's up to them. So is it just that she can't leer at men without him?
> 
> I wonder if he leers at women without her?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, this is weird. Does the OP think when they are watching porn together, she's looking at the women? No, she's looking at his bod and big penis.


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## TheTruthHurts

soccermom2three said:


> Yeah, this is weird. Does the OP think when they are watching porn together, she's looking at the women? No, she's looking at his bod and big penis.




Not necessarily. Well of course  but I think many women see the interaction as erotic, and can therefore be turned on by girl-girl porn too, whereas I have yet to meet a straight man would get turned on by man-man sex. It's also why the romance novels are erotic for some women, when I have to flip through pages and pages of stuff to get to the action. Just my $.02

[edit] but certainly OP's W is checking out the bod in the FB group


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## nirvana

TAM2013 said:


> In an ideal world yes but enter the modern woman. They're not even anywhere near to this kind of emotional maturity until they're in their mid 30's if at all and lots never get there because twenty prior Mr Wrongs don't lay a good foundation when Mr 'Right' eventually turns up.



Another great post.
People still portray women to be nice, sweet, emotional, empathetic. That maybe was the case 50 years ago. Now they are different and many have huge egos and know they can use the female card to get what they want and much more.


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## TheTruthHurts

nirvana said:


> Another great post.
> 
> People still portray women to be nice, sweet, emotional, empathetic. That maybe was the case 50 years ago. Now they are different and many have huge egos and know they can use the female card to get what they want and much more.




Jeez I hope not. Have 2 boys in college and several girls at home and that's not how we're raising them. And all the baby sitters we had over the years are sweet kids who married nice guys. I guess it depends on your country, state, town or trailer park.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Celes

When a wife complains about porn use, they are told it's male sexuality and they need to accept it.

When a wife looks at pics of hot men (non-nude), they are told it's horribly disrespectful to the marriage. Meanwhile there's a thread on the forum of men posting pics of hot chicks.

LMAO at this forum. 

P.S. I've made it pretty clear around here that I'm totally fine with porn


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## Steve1000

Celes said:


> When a wife complains about porn use, they are told it's male sexuality and they need to accept it.
> 
> When a wife looks at pics of hot men (non-nude), they are told it's horribly disrespectful to the marriage. Meanwhile there's a thread on the forum of men posting pics of hot chicks.
> 
> LMAO at this forum.
> 
> P.S. I've made it pretty clear around here that I'm totally fine with porn


There are people who view porn for the sole purpose of viewing sex acts as opposed to watching someone attraction level. I don't care if my wife watches porn sometimes or not, but would be unhappy if she posted a photo of a male because he is so hot. Maybe that only makes sense in my universe.


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## Celes

Steve1000 said:


> There are people who view porn for the sole purpose of viewing sex acts as opposed to watching someone attraction level. I don't care if my wife watches porn sometimes or not, but would be unhappy if she posted a photo of a male because he is so hot. Maybe that only makes sense in my universe.


Oh please. That's a wad of BS. Are you watching ugly people doing sex acts? Have you never google pics of hot swimsuit models or naked celebs? You have never exchanged comments or pics of hot chicks with your friends?


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## sokillme

Celes said:


> When a wife complains about porn use, they are told it's male sexuality and they need to accept it.
> 
> When a wife looks at pics of hot men (non-nude), they are told it's horribly disrespectful to the marriage. Meanwhile there's a thread on the forum of men posting pics of hot chicks.
> 
> LMAO at this forum.
> 
> P.S. I've made it pretty clear around here that I'm totally fine with porn


For like the 50th time it is the *public participation* that is disrespectful as well as the dismissal of him. Not the pictures themselves. 

*It's telling that this clarification is continued to be ignored by those trying to perpetrate this correlation. Almost like then need to conveniently forget this difference for the correlation to work at all.*


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## wild jade

sokillme said:


> So I assume you were fine with Trump's nonsense then?


Which of Trump's nonsense are you referring to?

I'm sure some of what he's said is really simply harmless locker-room talk.

However, publicly shaming women for their weight or insulting them on their looks is another thing altogether. As is grabbing at their private parts. As is sexual harassment. As is pushing underage girls into having sex. 

So, no. You're right to assume that I'm not fine with most of Trump's nonsense. But most of it goes way, way, way beyond posting pix of hot girls and talking about how hot they are.


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## wild jade

sokillme said:


> For like the 50th time it is the *public participation* that is disrespectful as well as the dismissal of him. Not the pictures themselves.
> 
> *It's telling that this clarification is continued to be ignored by those trying to perpetrate this correlation. Almost like then need to conveniently forget this difference for the correlation to work at all.*


And again. It's not public. OP said it was a private facebook group. We don't know how large. But still, it's not like it's out there for the world to see. Just her friends.


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## Steve1000

Celes said:


> Oh please. That's a wad of BS. Are you watching ugly people doing sex acts? Have you never google pics of hot swimsuit models or naked celebs? You have never exchanged comments or pics of hot chicks with your friends?


I didn't intend to cause a strong reaction. Yes, the internet has countless ugly people doing sex acts. I have honestly never been attracted to a lady in a porn video, but I did enjoy the act somewhat. 

I have noticed other good looking women, but looking up famous models or celebs just isn't my thing. When I was a high school or college student, there was no internet, so I don't think that I have ever exchanged photos of hot chicks. At least I don't remember doing so. In any case, as a married man, I would not post a hot pic of another lady on social media. I would feel that is being not nice to my wife.


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## Celes

sokillme said:


> For like the 50th time it is the *public participation* that is disrespectful as well as the dismissal of him. Not the pictures themselves.
> 
> *It's telling that this clarification is continued to be ignored by those trying to perpetrate this correlation. Almost like then need to conveniently forget this difference for the correlation to work at all.*


It's NOT public. It's a private thread with her friends on FB. No different than the thread in the Men's forum. Or a group text thread. I have seen guys sending pics of hot chicks on text threads all the time, and many were married/in a relationship.


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## Celes

Steve1000 said:


> I didn't intend to cause a strong reaction. Yes, the internet has countless ugly people doing sex acts. I have honestly never been attracted to a lady in a porn video, but I did enjoy the act somewhat.
> 
> I have noticed other good looking women, but looking up famous models or celebs just isn't my thing. When I was a high school or college student, there was no internet, so I don't think that I have ever exchanged photos of hot chicks. At least I don't remember doing so. In any case, as a married man, I would not post a hot pic of another lady on social media. I would feel that is being not nice to my wife.


Sorry, it's not that I have a strong reaction. I just think that it's funny that some men here are claiming they don't care about the attractiveness of the porn stars. I'm sorry, I'm just not buying it. Maybe you are honest regarding yourself, but exceptions don't make the rules. 

I'm just being realistic. Yes there are uglies on the internet doing sex acts. But in general men are looking at attractive women. And that's no big deal. Even when I watch porn, I want the people in it to be attractive.


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## TheTruthHurts

Celes said:


> Sorry, it's not that I have a strong reaction. I just think that it's funny that some men here are claiming they don't care about the attractiveness of the porn stars. I'm sorry, I'm just not buying it. Maybe you are honest regarding yourself, but exceptions don't make the rules.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm just being realistic. Yes there are uglies on the internet doing sex acts. But in general men are looking at attractive women. And that's no big deal. Even when I watch porn, I want the people in it to be attractive.




Simply not true in my experience. I've seen some 2 baggers doing things I enjoy watching. I suspect you're not a man. Most of the men I know compartmentalize sex in porn and enjoy the good bits.

Feminism used to acknowledge this and constantly spoke of the terrible way men "objectify" women. That got thrown around constantly when I was growing up. I never really understood it as a kid, but after I got my testosterone up I realized that I saw women through two very different lenses. In the first I saw women. In the second - my porn glasses - I saw sex objects. The literal definition of objectification.

In the 90s I remember a Pepsi or coke commercial where women jeered and whistled at men and objectified them. It was funny because it was contrary to the way women thought and acted in society,

We are not made up of all people 20 and under so many of those same people who were there watching that ironic commercial are still here. And lived in that cultural environment.

So saying that guys look at attractive porn stars is misunderstanding how to PROPERLY objectify a person. See, you pick your favorite bits - t or a or ??? (Feet?) - and you are really watching a disembodied part do something that appeals to you.

And BTW a lot of porn has really not attractive women with huge fake breasts, fake lips, terrible bleached hair... but it's all out there because they do stuff guys like and they have some parts guys like.

So perhaps if you say "men are gawking at attractive and sexy female parts" them I'm with you 100%. 



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----------



## Celes

TheTruthHurts said:


> Simply not true in my experience. I've seen some 2 baggers doing things I enjoy watching. I suspect you're not a man. Most of the men I know compartmentalize sex in porn and enjoy the good bits.
> 
> Feminism used to acknowledge this and constantly spoke of the terrible way men "objectify" women. That got thrown around constantly when I was growing up. I never really understood it as a kid, but after I got my testosterone up I realized that I saw women through two very different lenses. In the first I saw women. In the second - my porn glasses - I saw sex objects. The literal definition of objectification.
> 
> In the 90s I remember a Pepsi or coke commercial where women jeered and whistled at men and objectified them. It was funny because it was contrary to the way women thought and acted in society,
> 
> We are not made up of all people 20 and under so many of those same people who were there watching that ironic commercial are still here. And lived in that cultural environment.
> 
> So saying that guys look at attractive porn stars is misunderstanding how to PROPERLY objectify a person. See, you pick your favorite bits - t or a or ??? (Feet?) - and you are really watching a disembodied part do something that appeals to you.
> 
> And BTW a lot of porn has really not attractive women with huge fake breasts, fake lips, terrible bleached hair... but it's all out there because they do stuff guys like and they have some parts guys like.
> 
> So perhaps if you say "men are gawking at attractive and sexy female parts" them I'm with you 100%.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm not sure what you're arguing. I get that men watch the act more, but they also enjoy the women's bodies, therefore there is attraction there. I know not all porn stars look like perfect barbies. I watch porn and also watch it with my husband. He often likes the compilations of a certain act. So I get that. But I also know he doesn't watch super overweight women either. When I say "attractive" I don't mean perfect. My husband likes slim women, so the porn he watches typically has slim women in it. Sometimes men prefer a type, BBW, blondes, redheads, a certain ethnicity etc. My point is, there is generally *some* attraction to the women in it, even if they don't look perfect. Men are attracted to what they're doing but they will also enjoy the women's bodies. 

So why is it ok for men to enjoy a woman they find generally attractive, having say anal sex, but it's not okay for a woman to google pics of Brad Pitt and talk about it with her friends? I find that really odd. 


Also, do you deny that men look up pics of female celebs, models, nudes, etc? 

I often catch my husband looking at some swimsuit model or naked chick. It honestly doesn't bother me at all. As long as he directs that sexual energy to me, we're good :grin2:


----------



## *Deidre*

I think it comes down to what your own partner thinks. If you OP are a reasonable person, and this just genuinely makes you feel uncomfortable, but she 'does it anyway,' then that would be where the problem lies. Not so much that she finds other men more attractive than you, but that she doesn't care what you think. Why get married at all if you just push your partner aside, and just do your own thing?


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Celes said:


> Also, do you deny that men look up pics of female celebs, models, nudes, etc?



At my age, I actually don't. Haven't in years. It gets creepy even for me when the age gap spans decades. Naked porn chicks? Meh. Actually I told my W I don't even like that so much because they're all so young and it gets boring and creepy watching young women try to deal with horse sized genitalia. Something very bad happened to good old fashioned porn when it got monetized and creepy dudes living in moms basement started to direct its development with their sticky dimes and quarters.

Thanks. I feel much better now. 


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## Celes

TheTruthHurts said:


> At my age, I actually don't. Haven't in years. It gets creepy even for me when the age gap spans decades. Naked porn chicks? Meh. Actually I told my W I don't even like that so much because they're all so young and it gets boring and creepy watching young women try to deal with horse sized genitalia. Something very bad happened to good old fashioned porn when it got monetized and creepy dudes living in moms basement started to direct its development with their sticky dimes and quarters.
> 
> Thanks. I feel much better now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I asked about men in general, not you specifically. Also not just porn chicks, but female celebrities. Let's not pretend there isn't a wave of guys seeking the newest leaked photos/videos of female celebs every time they are announced lol. 

Honestly, I'm not judging. Like I mentioned it's no problem. But often wives are very uncomfortable with men watching porn and they are told it's just male sexuality, so get over it. I don't see any difference here. Women tend to be more attracted to a man's looks over sexual act. 

Also many are overlooking the fact that married men are posting pictures of attractive women right here on TAM. How is it different than what the wife is doing with the private FB thread with her friends?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Steve1000 said:


> There are people who view porn for the sole purpose of viewing sex acts as opposed to watching someone attraction level. I don't care if my wife watches porn sometimes or not, but would be unhappy if she posted a photo of a male because he is so hot. Maybe that only makes sense in my universe.


Let's assume for a minute that this is true.

So why exactly is it that mens' thing of watching sex acts is ok but women looking at pics of hot men isn't?

How exactly is it that the sex acts are somehow less destructive to a marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre*

Celes said:


> I asked about men in general, not you specifically. Also not just porn chicks, but female celebrities. Let's not pretend there isn't a wave of guys seeking the newest leaked photos/videos of female celebs every time they are announced lol.
> 
> Honestly, I'm not judging. Like I mentioned it's no problem. But often wives are very uncomfortable with men watching porn and they are told it's just male sexuality, so get over it. I don't see any difference here. Women tend to be more attracted to a man's looks over sexual act.
> 
> Also many are overlooking the fact that married men are posting pictures of attractive women right here on TAM. How is it different than what the wife is doing with the private FB thread with her friends?


This is a good point you bring up because really, I'm wondering if it comes down to guys on average, don't think that women are into looks. lol Donald Trump types start those myths since they are only capable of getting women with money, that all men need to have tons of cash, or we simply won't be interested...because you know, we only want men for security. lol While that is in part true, about security, it's a lie that women are not visual. So, this is why some on here are saying about porn ''oh, men will be men,'' but when women enjoy looking at pics of hot men, that's so wrong. lol

But, the problem for me here is that the OP's wife should do things to edify the relationship, not tear it down. If this bothers him, then she should stop. If he is being reasonable about it. He could be a very jealous type, Idk.


----------



## Faithful Wife

TheTruthHurts said:


> At my age, I actually don't. Haven't in years. It gets creepy even for me when the age gap spans decades. Naked porn chicks? Meh. Actually I told my W I don't even like that so much because they're all so young and it gets boring and creepy watching young women try to deal with horse sized genitalia. Something very bad happened to good old fashioned porn when it got monetized and creepy dudes living in moms basement started to direct its development with their sticky dimes and quarters.
> 
> Thanks. I feel much better now.



Many people have the general attitude that goes something like this....."When *I* am looking at FITB (attractive people, someone in line at the grocery store, porn, or whatever *I* might be looking at) then *I* know that *I* am just innocently doing something I enjoy (could be self pleasuring, fantasizing, or just appreciating) and _it does not interfere with my attraction to or feelings for my spouse_."

Because the person knows how they really do feel about their attraction to their spouse and that these activities don't interfere with it, they feel completely justified in watching or looking in these ways (even if they hide it from their spouse).

But the same people also have the general attitude something like this (even if completely subconscious)...."I know I am not the hottest person in the world. I sometimes wonder if my spouse is more attracted to others than they are to me. I have insecurities that are deep rooted and I don't even know where they all came from. I see other people who I consider much hotter than me and it sometimes makes me feel bad about myself. In general, I just try to pretend like I'm ok but really I am not that secure with my physical attraction. I try to ignore my feelings of insecurity but if something triggers them, it feels really bad".

So now the same person who knows for a fact that their own viewing of FITB has nothing to do with their attraction to their spouse, finds a way to still feel bad themselves if their spouse does the same thing. 

And then they also cannot see the double standard they have created. It really happens all the time.

And another phenomenon that happens in this behavior is the tendency to shame others for doing exactly what WE are doing. Somehow the WAY "they" do it is "creepy" or wrong, but when WE do it, it is innocent fun and meaningless (or meaningful, if that helps in shaming the other person, as in the quote by The Truth Hurts above....somehow his porn viewing is of a higher caliber than how "today's creeps" watch porn.)


----------



## lifeistooshort

sokillme said:


> For like the 50th time it is the *public participation* that is disrespectful as well as the dismissal of him. Not the pictures themselves.
> 
> *It's telling that this clarification is continued to be ignored by those trying to perpetrate this correlation. Almost like then need to conveniently forget this difference for the correlation to work at all.*


For the 50th time, it's not public. It's a private group with her friends.

You've never pointed out good looking women with your friends?

Why would you consider a private group public?

And once again, I think what she's doing is rude. I'm just not understanding your insistence that it's public.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lila

Maybe a better comparison would be a man visiting a strip club with his buddies just to look at the girls (no lap dances, private dances, etc...)? There's a social aspect to it for men, the dancers are typically good looking, and it seems to be acceptable for some and not for others.


----------



## Faithful Wife

*Deidre* said:


> This is a good point you bring up because really, I'm wondering if it comes down to guys on average, don't think that women are into looks.


I think this is largely because straight men really don't know why other men are attractive to straight women. They try and try to find "the reason" men are attractive, because they honestly cannot feel attraction visually or in their bodies. They can see some men who seem to be handsome here and there, but those guys are not necessarily the only ones who have women all over them...so they look at other guys, who they cannot see as attractive at all, with women all around them, and they then hypothesize about why the women find this guy attractive. This is largely where the PUA and perverted evo-psycho (sic) nonsense came from.

ETA: I've heard men several times go on and on about how "women go for jerks and bad boys"....only then to later see an example of a jerk or bad boy in this guy's opinion....and I'm like "um dude...that guy is HOT as hell! THAT's why she went for him, DUH!!!" But since the guys cannot see how attractive the "jerk" is himself, he makes all kinds of other assumptions about why some woman was into him.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Celes said:


> I asked about men in general, not you specifically. Also not just porn chicks, but female celebrities. Let's not pretend there isn't a wave of guys seeking the newest leaked photos/videos of female celebs every time they are announced lol.
> 
> Honestly, I'm not judging. Like I mentioned it's no problem. But often wives are very uncomfortable with men watching porn and they are told it's just male sexuality, so get over it. I don't see any difference here. Women tend to be more attracted to a man's looks over sexual act.
> 
> Also many are overlooking the fact that married men are posting pictures of attractive women right here on TAM. How is it different than what the wife is doing with the private FB thread with her friends?


My hb's best friend tried to download the video of Erin Andrews made without her knowledge by the creep peeping into her hotel room. 

Clearly that was about sex acts, right?

FYI, it crashed his computer with the virus it installed. He used it as a work computer (owns his own business) and he had to spend a bunch of money to get it fixed. 

Jerk deserved it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Celes

*Deidre* said:


> This is a good point you bring up because really, I'm wondering if it comes down to guys on average, don't think that women are into looks. lol Donald Trump types start those myths since they are only capable of getting women with money, that all men need to have tons of cash, or we simply won't be interested...because you know, we only want men for security. lol While that is in part true, about security, it's a lie that women are not visual. So, this is why some on here are saying about porn ''oh, men will be men,'' but when women enjoy looking at pics of hot men, that's so wrong. lol
> 
> But, the problem for me here is that the OP's wife should do things to edify the relationship, not tear it down. If this bothers him, then she should stop. If he is being reasonable about it. He could be a very jealous type, Idk.


That is true. I often hear men say women only care about money or power. It's not true at all. I have seen women gush over hot guys all the time. And women are the worst in critiquing a guy's looks. "Did you see that guy who asked me out? Ewww!"

I always think it's funny when I'm with a group of guys who are talking about hot girls, but if I say something about a hot guy they get soooo uncomfortable. I think women learn just not to say anything around men. 

I agree with your last point, that the couple should always work it out between them. But I do think people need to own up to their own insecurities (which we all have) to get to the root cause of things.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Steve1000 said:


> There are people who view porn for the sole purpose of viewing sex acts as opposed to watching someone attraction level. *I don't care if my wife watches porn sometimes or not*, but would be unhappy if she posted a photo of a male because he is so hot. Maybe that only makes sense in my universe.


A lot of guys say this, but they say it because their wife is not regularly watching porn and they know it....so they say they wouldn't mind if she did.

However, if this wife was _actually watching_ a healthy portion of huge black c*ck (also known as "eggplant"  ) porn on a regular basis, he may find that he does actually mind if she "watches porn sometimes".


----------



## Celes

lifeistooshort said:


> My hb's best friend tried to download the video of Erin Andrews made without her knowledge by the creep peeping into her hotel room.
> 
> Clearly that was about sex acts, right?
> 
> FYI, it crashed his computer with the virus it installed. He used it as a work computer (owns his own business) and he had to spend a bunch of money to get it fixed.
> 
> Jerk deserved it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL karma. I remember that. Poor girl.


----------



## Blondilocks

What she and her 'mommy' friends are doing is the equivalent of a circle jerk.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Celes said:


> That is true. I often hear men say women only care about money or power. It's not true at all. I have seen women gush over hot guys all the time. And women are the worst in critiquing a guy's looks. "Did you see that guy who asked me out? Ewww!"
> 
> I always think it's funny when I'm with a group of guys who are talking about hot girls, but if I say something about a hot guy they get soooo uncomfortable. I think women learn just not to say anything around men.
> 
> I agree with your last point, that the couple should always work it out between them. But I do think people need to own up to their own insecurities (which we all have) to get to the root cause of things.


It is true that money and power can be a draw for many women, but a lot of men assume this translates to sexual attraction.

It doesn't. 

In the old days this didn't matter so much because marriage was a business deal, and men with money could buy a hot wife and only expected her to put out, not actually enjoy it.

The problem comes in when a guy wants his woman to be into him sexually, but uses money to lure the hottest one he can get with no thought to how into him she is.

Women are very much into looks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Buddy400

Celes said:


> That is true. I often hear men say women only care about money or power. It's not true at all. I have seen women gush over hot guys all the time. And women are the worst in critiquing a guy's looks. "Did you see that guy who asked me out? Ewww!"
> 
> I always think it's funny when I'm with a group of guys who are talking about hot girls, but if I say something about a hot guy they get soooo uncomfortable. I think women learn just not to say anything around men.


If women are every bit into hot guys as men are into hot women and porn is all about looking at members of the opposite sex that are hot, why is it almost always women getting upset at men for watching porn?

If women and men are exactly the same, why aren't they watching porn at the same rate?


----------



## Buddy400

Faithful Wife said:


> A lot of guys say this, but they say it because their wife is not regularly watching porn and they know it....so they say they wouldn't mind if she did.
> 
> However, if this wife was _actually watching_ a healthy portion of huge black c*ck (also known as "eggplant"  ) porn on a regular basis, he may find that he does actually mind if she "watches porn sometimes".


If any gender has a reason to be insecure when watching porn, it's men.

Sure the women in porn are generally fit, their boobs are usually bigger (but fake) but their genitals look about the same as any other women's genitals.

On the other hand, the men are generally fit, almost all have huge d!cks (probably in good part because it's easier to film) and can go all night like a lumberjack.

But, it's the women who are generally insecure about porn. How come?


----------



## Lila

Blondilocks said:


> What she and her 'mommy' friends are doing is the equivalent of a circle jerk.


Blondi, would you say the same of men who go to strip clubs? It just seems like the same thing to me. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## *Deidre*

Buddy400 said:


> If women are every bit into hot guys as men are into hot women and porn is all about looking at members of the opposite sex that are hot, why is it almost always women getting upset at men for watching porn?
> 
> If women and men are exactly the same, why aren't they watching porn at the same rate?


We're not the same as men, but we definitely look for physical chemistry with guys, as much as men do it with women. My fiance is good looking and has a lean muscular build, but part of what makes him sexy is his confidence. I've known good looking guys who don't carry themselves well, and it's not all that sexy. So, what attracts women from a physical perspective, aren't just outward appearances. 

I think the main reason women get angry if their men are viewing porn, is because many men let it take over their lives, and they end up preferring the porn habit over intimacy with their wives. Occasional porn viewing isn't really an issue, for many women.


----------



## Lila

Buddy400 said:


> If any gender has a reason to be insecure when watching porn, it's men.
> 
> Sure the women in porn are generally fit, their boobs are usually bigger (but fake) but their genitals look about the same as any other women's genitals.
> 
> On the other hand, the men are generally fit, almost all have huge d!cks (probably in good part because it's easier to film) and can go all night like a lumberjack.
> 
> *But, it's the women who are generally insecure about porn. How come?*


For the same reason that OP is insecure about his wife posting pics to her mommy group. They can't compare to the porn stars and think their spouse doesn't find them attractive. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> Blondi, would you say the same of men who go to strip clubs? It just seems like the same thing to me.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


Yep.


----------



## Celes

Buddy400 said:


> If women are every bit into hot guys as men are into hot women and porn is all about looking at members of the opposite sex that are hot, why is it almost always women getting upset at men for watching porn?
> 
> If women and men are exactly the same, why aren't they watching porn at the same rate?


Porn doesn't market to women. A lot of the guys in porn are super average but with nice uhhh, packages. Trust me, I wish there were some hotter dudes.

Also as I mentioned, women are more attracted to a man's looks, not sexual act. They don't get physically aroused by men's genitalia. That's why women don't care at all for d* pics. Only guys think that's something that must be hot to women.


----------



## Blondilocks

I'm on record here as being against porn. I didn't allow it in my home. If my husband wanted to watch it, he was perfectly welcome to watch it from a new address.


----------



## Celes

Blondilocks said:


> I'm on record here as being against porn. I didn't allow it in my home. If my husband wanted to watch it, he was perfectly welcome to watch it from a new address.


That's absolutely your right. Anyone who is against porn should be upfront about it before getting married. Both parties need to be aware of boundaries. If the husband agrees to that but sneaks off to watch porn, then it's absolutely a problem. 

I wasn't always ok with porn. My ex-fiance used to go on and on about how much he didn't like porn and never watched it. I dated him because of that. 1.5 years in, he lets my sister use his PC and she finds his searches for "hot teens". I felt very betrayed. 

People just need to be honest with each other.


----------



## sokillme

wild jade said:


> And again. It's not public. OP said it was a private facebook group. We don't know how large. But still, it's not like it's out there for the world to see. Just her friends.


Well compared to most peoples porn watching which is the context that it is being compared to it is. Most people look at porn alone.


----------



## sokillme

Celes said:


> It's NOT public. It's a private thread with her friends on FB. No different than the thread in the Men's forum. Or a group text thread. I have seen guys sending pics of hot chicks on text threads all the time, and many were married/in a relationship.


Right and you didn't compare it to that you compared it to watching porn. Now you conveniently changed it. It is exactly the same this most recent context but you moved the goalpost.


----------



## sokillme

Celes said:


> So why is it ok for men to enjoy a woman they find generally attractive, having say anal sex, but it's not okay for a woman to google pics of Brad Pitt and talk about it with her friends? I find that really odd.



I think you are being intentionally dishonest. No man here has said it is not OK for a woman to google pics of "Brad Pitt and talk about it with her friends?" it is the act of posting on a public facebook style message board and commenting on it that is disrespectful. To any spouse man or woman.

Your original post compared it to porn use which is a totally different isolated activity for most, unless it is with your partner. 

Find me a thread on here where men thought is was cool for married men to post porn pics.


----------



## Celes

sokillme said:


> Right and you didn't compare it to that you compared it to watching porn. Now you conveniently changed it. It is exactly the same this most recent context but you moved the goalpost.


Conventionally changed it to what? Goalpost? Huh? You are the one who brought up that what she was doing was public.... I just corrected you. 

My stance hasn't changed that the reactions from men in this thread is pretty hypocritical (and entertaining I might add).


----------



## Celes

sokillme said:


> I think you are being intentionally dishonest. No man here has said it is not OK for a woman to google pics of "Brad Pitt and talk about it with her friends?" it is the act of posting on a public facebook style message board and commenting on it that is disrespectful. To any spouse man or woman.
> 
> Your original post compared it to porn use which is a totally different isolated activity for most, unless it is with your partner.
> 
> Find me a thread on here where men thought is was cool for married men to post porn pics.


But it's not public.... it's a private message thread with her friends.

Reading comprehension is your friend :wink2:


----------



## sokillme

Celes said:


> But it's not public.... it's a private message thread with her friends.
> 
> Reading comprehension is your friend :wink2:


Posting != looking at 

basic comprehension is yours. >


----------



## Celes

sokillme said:


> Posting != looking at
> 
> basic comprehension is yours. >


I said "And talk about it with her friends" which alluded to the posting. Which is PRIVATE. Which means no one else on FB has access to it other than this group. *gasp*

Give it a rest dude.

Also the point of my comparison isn't that both acts are the same. I've made it pretty clear what I'm arguing. If you can't figure it out, that's on you.


----------



## sokillme

Celes said:


> I said "And talk about it with her friends" which alluded to the posting. Which is PRIVATE. Which means no one else on FB has access to it other than this group. *gasp*
> 
> Give it a rest dude.
> 
> Also the point of my comparison isn't that both acts are the same. I've made it pretty clear what I'm arguing. If you can't figure it out, that's on you.


And my answer to you is most of us object to the posting. * It's not the same thing.* I am sorry you can't understand that, now I will give it a rest.


----------



## Celes

sokillme said:


> And my answer to you is most of us object to the posting. * It's not the same thing.* I am sorry you can't understand that, now I will give it a rest.


Ok so you object to the posting. What about the thread in the Men's forum? Which actually IS public. 

And again, I'm not arguing that it's the same thing. But women tend to be far more offended of porn than exchanging non-nude pics in a private message thread. Yet they are told to suck it up, men are visual, men like variety etc. Meanwhile, men get pitch forks because of a wife posting non-nude celebrity pics privately with her friends. When they are doing it on this very forum. 

You aren't addressing any of that.


----------



## sokillme

Celes said:


> Ok so you object to the posting. What about the thread in the Men's forum? Which actually IS public.
> 
> And again, I'm not arguing that it's the same thing. But women tend to be far more offended of porn than exchanging non-nude pics in a private message thread. Yet they are told to suck it up, men are visual, men like variety etc. Meanwhile, men get pitch forks because of a wife posting non-nude celebrity pics privately with her friends. When they are doing it on this very forum.
> 
> You aren't addressing any of that.


Nope, the headshot posts are no big deal it's the sexual stuff that is a problem (think fireman shirtless calendars, girl's poster type stuff) which is what i am getting from OP. Head shots and actor stuff wouldn't bother me in the least, like the thread that you started. I don't remember if I posted on the guys one, if I did it would have been Linda Carter, or Sophia Loren. I actually thought of posting on the new woman's one too, I am completely straight, but I am also confident enough in my masculinity to admit I have man crushes. It's something to aspire to at least my version of looking that good, it has nothing to do with lust or anything like that. Then again I come from an artist background and went to art school so I can appreciate all beauty. 

Now Sophia Loren, don't get me started :corkysm60:. My wife knows Sophia is my favorite, I also know she liked the young Johnny Depp, not the old greasy one. I am certainly not going to be the only guy she is attracted to. I am good enough looking, and even if I wasn't I am a good husband and honestly my self worth doesn't even come from her love for me. Makes me feel good though. 

Anyway, 2cents.


----------



## Catherine602

TAM2013 said:


> In an ideal world yes but enter the modern woman. They're not even anywhere near to this kind of emotional maturity until they're in their mid 30's if at all and lots never get there because twenty prior Mr Wrongs don't lay a good foundation when Mr 'Right' eventually turns up.


The problem is laid at the feet of "modern women"? You missed my point completely even in your ideal world. 

My point is that the gender sh!t needs to be drop kicked out of intimate relationships. Thinking in terms of "modern women", female immaturity and "mr right" shows that you don't get it. You are still mired in the trenches getting dirt kicked in your face by the last pink bomb.

Stand up and brush yourself off and pull your partner up with you. Vow to communicate with each other with no reference to the gender guru who knows it all and has seen it all. You know, the one residing in your head. It makes for a much simpler and cleaner exchange. 

You won't be able to do it in the heat of the moment but you'll know when you are off base and with that, you'll know how to get back on track. Try to keep the relationship between yourself and the person you find before you not with their evil gender surrogates.


----------



## Buddy400

Lila said:


> For the same reason that OP is insecure about his wife posting pics to her mommy group. They can't compare to the porn stars and think their spouse doesn't find them attractive.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


But the question was why don't men feel insecure about themselves if their women view porn. Especially since, as I proposed, they may actually fare worse in comparison to male actors.


----------



## Buddy400

Celes said:


> Porn doesn't market to women. A lot of the guys in porn are super average but with nice uhhh, packages. Trust me, I wish there were some hotter dudes.
> 
> Also as I mentioned, *women are more attracted to a man's looks, not sexual act*. They don't get physically aroused by men's genitalia. That's why women don't care at all for d* pics. Only guys think that's something that must be hot to women.


So, do you agree that men viewing porn is more (or at least somewhat more) about viewing sexual acts than it is about looking at attractive women?


----------



## Buddy400

Celes said:


> Meanwhile, men get pitch forks because of a wife posting non-nude celebrity pics privately with her friends. When they are doing it on this very forum.



Let's not lose sight of the fact that a large part of the OP's problem was that the guys his wife said were so hot were the polar opposite of him



snowcrashed said:


> . It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.


----------



## Buddy400

I once told my wife that Angelina Jolie was so hot that I'd have to do her if I ever had the opportunity.

My wife replied that Angelina Jolie was so hot that *she'd* have to do her.


----------



## MEM2020

There is no 'biological OFF switch that gets flipped at the altar'. We all continue to feel desire for opposite sex folks. 

So the OP's focus on THAT is pointless. Ok - sure - her Facebook group is a bit much, but the REAL issue is NOT her desire for others, it is instead her LACK of desire for him. 

He is fixated on something he cannot control, and ignoring what he CAN control. 





Buddy400 said:


> I once told my wife that Angelina Jolie was so hot that I'd have to do her if I ever had the opportunity.
> 
> My wife replied that Angelina Jolie was so hot that *she'd* have to do her.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Buddy400 said:


> If any gender has a reason to be insecure when watching porn, it's men.
> 
> Sure the women in porn are generally fit, their boobs are usually bigger (but fake) but their genitals look about the same as any other women's genitals.
> 
> On the other hand, the men are generally fit, almost all have huge d!cks (probably in good part because it's easier to film) and can go all night like a lumberjack.
> 
> *But, it's the women who are generally insecure about porn. How come?*


Some women are, some aren't, as reported by some women on this thread who are not.

Some men are, some aren't. Though of the men who say they are not insecure about porn...I highly doubt most of them have dealt with a partner who regularly watches a type of porn that makes them feel insecure....that they know about, anyway.

Both genders: some are insecure about the viewing by their partner of porn, and some *truly* are not.

But for anyone saying they are NOT insecure about it, but who have never been with a partner who actually does watch a significant amount of it...I have to say, you really don't know how you would *truly* feel if it did happen, you are only speculating about how you would feel. 

At the same time....some men AND some women are insecure about their partner ogling about hot celebs NOT in porn.

IMO, if your partner is insecure about it, it should mean enough to you to curb your behavior. Your feelings of wanting to do the behavior should be lesser than your feelings of wanting to help your spouse not feel bad OR to find some way to help your spouse NOT feel bad because of it.

Neither is right or wrong, looking or not is not right or wrong....and attraction to attractive human beings is NEVER wrong.


----------



## Horizon

My ex WS used to do this - mostly comment on something a friend posted. The friend/s usually added a comment like "have a great weekend ladies" to which my exWS might reply "I want one of those" etc. It was particularly galling after an affair (she did not know that I was peeking at her FB page at that stage). Bottom line is that once I got into her FB 'world' I got a broad picture of where her head was at (no pun intended).


----------



## bandit.45

FB warps people. I just despise it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wild jade

sokillme said:


> Well compared to most peoples porn watching which is the context that it is being compared to it is. Most people look at porn alone.


Before the internet, people went to movie theatres to watch porn. Or they got together and traded pix or magazines.


----------



## wild jade

sokillme said:


> Now Sophia Loren, don't get me started :corkysm60:. My wife knows Sophia is my favorite, I also know she liked the young Johnny Depp, not the old greasy one. I am certainly not going to be the only guy she is attracted to. I am good enough looking, and even if I wasn't I am a good husband and honestly my self worth doesn't even come from her love for me. Makes me feel good though.
> 
> Anyway, 2cents.


Yes. Exactly. You have a favorite and she has a favorite, and you both are attracted to people who are not .... you. 

OP, on the other hand, seems to think that his wife ought not be attracted to anyone else, or if she is, it's a sign that she isn't into him. This is a big jump .... unless there are other signs. But he hasn't come forward to talk about those.


----------



## wild jade

Buddy400 said:


> But the question was why don't men feel insecure about themselves if their women view porn. Especially since, as I proposed, they may actually fare worse in comparison to male actors.


Lots of men feel insecure about themselves over porn. Lots!

This thread is about pix not porn, but it's definitely a case example. At least that's the impression I get.


----------



## nirvana

TheTruthHurts said:


> Jeez I hope not. Have 2 boys in college and several girls at home and that's not how we're raising them. And all the baby sitters we had over the years are sweet kids who married nice guys. I guess it depends on your country, state, town or trailer park.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, I see a big change in women in India from the 80s to the 90s to today. The difference in environment is that women go from college to work to marriage these days. Earlier it was just college to marriage. The financial aspect of them should have given them positive confidence which is a good thing, but unfortunately for a large number of women it has resulted in arrogance and massive ego. The social environment in India is that women are "downtrodden" and need to be uplifted. This is true only for rural women, NOT for urban women. Laws were made which were anti-men and allowed unscrupulous women to misuse them to gain an undeserved advantage. The poor rural women stayed downtrodden. Many women in India seem to think that they have to be raised onto a pedestal just because they have a job, especially since their mothers did not.

My wife is late 30s and I see her atttitude and behavior change also. She was SAHM for 12 years and denounced working moms for "not being good mothers". Then she began working 2 years ago, and now SAHMs are "lazy". 

In the US context, I would not be surprised if similar forces were at play.


----------



## Buddy400

wild jade said:


> Before the internet, people went to movie theatres to watch porn.


And they sat as far away from each other as possible.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

lifeistooshort said:


> For the 50th time, it's not public. It's a private group with her friends.
> 
> You've never pointed out good looking women with your friends?
> 
> Why would you consider a private group public?
> 
> And once again, I think what she's doing is rude. I'm just not understanding your insistence that it's public.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Did you even read what you typed? Private is by yourself, no one knows but you. "With her friends" is quite public. Just because FB has deemed to use the word private improperly is no reason to try to propagate the mis-use. And yes if some guy is looking at porn in privacy, it is far different than sending the porn to his "private group" of friends. 
To be honest who really gives a **** what any of us think . The OP has a problem with his wife doing it. It should stop. Period. If he has a problem with his wife wearing shoes, she should stop wearing shoes ... or decide he's over controlling and leave.


----------



## EllisRedding

Blondilocks said:


> I'm on record here as being against porn. I didn't allow it in my home. If my husband wanted to watch it, *he was perfectly welcome to watch it from a new address.*


That is easy, use a VPN service, get a new IP address, problem solved >

In my own personal situation, I want my Ws sexual energy directed at me, and vice versa. If there is something that takes away from it (not related to my [email protected] kids lol) I consider it a problem. 

However, everyone has their own preferences on how they want to handle, and as long as they are both on the same page and in agreement, I don't see an issue with. The OP and his W don't appear to be on the same page, which makes her dismissive attitude all the more troublesome (without knowing further details from the OP)


----------



## Buddy400

wild jade said:


> Lots of men feel insecure about themselves over porn. Lots!


I've never seen a man here post that he was insecure because his wife was watching porn because she thought the men in it were more attractive than him.

I've seen one where the guy had a problem with his wife watching porn and not having sex with him and another one or two where she was watching lesbian porn and he questioned her sexual orientation.


----------



## sokillme

MEM2020 said:


> There is no 'biological OFF switch that gets flipped at the altar'.


You don't have to celebrate it though. That to me is where the issue is. Again this doesn't sound like she is just posting head shots, and if he is insecure a good teammate, which is what his wife is supposed to be should be helping him not pushing his buttons. I mean if you want a good marriage this should be common sense. At the very least it is the decent, kind thing to do.


----------



## sokillme

Buddy400 said:


> But the question was why don't men feel insecure about themselves if their women view porn. Especially since, as I proposed, they may actually fare worse in comparison to male actors.


Depends on what kind, "size" seems to be a big issue for lots of men, also height. Plus physical attraction is not the same motivator for woman generally as it is for men. Now lets talk about money, power. Like say your wife is texting with a rock star. He could be ugly as 5hit but are you going to be insecure? Lets say her rich boss owner of a powerful company is taking her out for drinks to celebrate are you going to be insecure (my wife wouldn't be going alone I can tell you that). Women are insecure about other beautiful woman because then know beauty is a strong motivator of our lusts, it's in our nature. Men are insecure about other things because those lusts are in woman's nature. Pretending we are the same is just silly.


----------



## sokillme

wild jade said:


> Before the internet, people went to movie theatres to watch porn. Or they got together and traded pix or magazines.


Not what we are talking about so this is a red herring. Besides most of the population didn't go to theaters, that was why back then it was seen as seemly. And it certainly wasn't celebrated in most circles like posting on a board. Traded pix?! who are these people you are talking about? I was alive before the explosion in internet porn and we weren't trading pictures. Porn until recently has always been something done in private because porn is really only around for one reason, and most people want to do that alone. 

Good try.


----------



## MEM2020

SoKill,
The overall quality of advice on this thread is has been quite disappointing so far. 

The basic rules of effectiveness are: 
1. Help the person who is here. Trying to get them to directly change their partner is a fools errand.
2. We are helping a couple, not a community - so all of the negative 'modern women' comments are - unhelpful.

What part of 'she's not attracted to me' - don't you understand? 

Her lack of attraction to him is not caused by her attraction to others. 





sokillme said:


> You don't have to celebrate it though. That to me is where the issue is. Again this doesn't sound like she is just posting head shots, and if he is insecure a good teammate, which is what his wife is supposed to be should be helping him not pushing his buttons. I mean if you want a good marriage this should be common sense. At the very least it is the decent, kind thing to do.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Buddy400 said:


> I've never seen a man here post that he was insecure because his wife was watching porn because she thought the men in it were more attractive than him.


I don't think I have seen it here, but I have seen it and heard it elsewhere, many times.


----------



## Roselyn

Career woman here, 36 years married (first time for both husband & I), and have a FB & Twitter account. My friends, colleagues, & some relatives are in my FB & Twitter. I have a divorced female friend who posts photos of men who are hot. I do not make a comment or like any of those posts as my husband can see them if he wants to. We have transparent accounts. It would be disrespectful for my 60 year old husband (I am 58) as he does not like to see those kind of posts. In respect to my husband, I ignore those posts. In addition, I would be debased in the eyes of those who respect me if I entertain those lusty posts.

Your wife does not care about your feelings. I care about my husband's feelings and what he thinks of me. That matters to me; so these type of lusty posts are simply ignored. Discord in the household is one slippery slope. Your wife is ignoring you. You need to show her your posts and posts of those with long-time marriages. She does not realize nor care that her marriage is compromised. You are going to be disappointed with her in the long run. Disappointment is poisonous to a marriage. Best of luck to you on dealing with your careless and insensitive wife!


----------



## Steve1000

lifeistooshort said:


> Let's assume for a minute that this is true.
> 
> So why exactly is it that mens' thing of watching sex acts is ok but women looking at pics of hot men isn't?
> 
> How exactly is it that the sex acts are somehow less destructive to a marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never made a blanket statement that looking at pics of hot men is not ok. In my opinion, the details and the degree are important here. For example, a couple watches a porn clip of two random people and are turned on by the act of what they are doing vs. a married man or woman who often views pics, post pics, and thinks about a specific person everyday. Some people would have a problem with both and some would have a problem with neither scenario. For me personally, I would not have a problem with the first example. Again, this is my preference and other good people have their own preferences.

I can say that I have never had an attraction for any woman in a porn video and I rarely watch porn. I think that is part of why I don't have a problem with it. If I ever had dated a lady who went gaga over porn, then I admit that I would likely have a different view.


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## Steve1000

Faithful Wife said:


> A lot of guys say this, but they say it because their wife is not regularly watching porn and they know it....so they say they wouldn't mind if she did.
> 
> However, if this wife was _actually watching_ a healthy portion of huge black c*ck (also known as "eggplant"  ) porn on a regular basis, he may find that he does actually mind if she "watches porn sometimes".


I think you're right. It's complicated and every case is different.


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## sokillme

MEM2020 said:


> SoKill,
> The overall quality of advice on this thread is has been quite disappointing so far.
> 
> The basic rules of effectiveness are:
> 1. Help the person who is here. Trying to get them to directly change their partner is a fools errand.
> 2. You are helping a couple, not a community - so all of the negative 'modern women' comments are - unhelpful.
> 
> What part of 'she's not attracted to me' - don't you understand?
> 
> Her lack of attraction to him is not caused by her attraction to others.





> but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.


I am addressing this part of his post, just because you don't understand this part of his issue doesn't mean it's not a issue. Stop being myopic. 

Also check what you to read I didn't post any modern woman stuff.


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## Blondilocks

@MEM2020,

"Her lack of attraction to him is not caused by her attraction to others."

This is sort of like which came first - the chicken or the egg. But, we really don't know if it is physical attractiveness or personality attractiveness that his wife objects to. If indeed, she objects to anything.

In any event, the OP just wanted to vent and didn't really want advice.


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## Fozzy

Buddy400 said:


> And they sat as far away from each other as possible.


"HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE EM!"


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## MEM2020

Agreed. He vented and then returned to reading Neal Stephenson.




Blondilocks said:


> @MEM2020,
> 
> "Her lack of attraction to him is not caused by her attraction to others."
> 
> This is sort of like which came first - the chicken or the egg. But, we really don't know if it is physical attractiveness or personality attractiveness that his wife objects to. If indeed, she objects to anything.
> 
> In any event, the OP just wanted to vent and didn't really want advice.


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## soccermom2three

Hmmm, no answered the strip club question. Interesting.


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## Fozzy

MEM2020 said:


> Agreed. He vented and then returned to reading Neal Stephenson.


Getting a little snarky there, Mem? What's with the Neal Stephenson hate?

(I've never read Neal Stephenson, but after a quick Google, I probably will)


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## Cletus

Fozzy said:


> Getting a little snarky there, Mem? What's with the Neal Stephenson hate?
> 
> (I've never read Neal Stephenson, but after a quick Google, I probably will)


Stephenson's most celebrated book is the cyberpunk novel "Snowcrash" (check OP's handle).

If the first chapter of that book doesn't make you a Stephenson fan, then you belong in a basket with the rest of the deplorables.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## MEM2020

Fozzy,

I loved: The diamond age
and
Cryptonomicon 

The latter was a brilliant explanation of how you minimize the odds your enemy figures out you have cracked his military's codes.




Fozzy said:


> Getting a little snarky there, Mem? What's with the Neal Stephenson hate?
> 
> (I've never read Neal Stephenson, but after a quick Google, I probably will)


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## TheTruthHurts

wild jade said:


> Before the internet, people went to movie theatres to watch porn. Or they got together and traded pix or magazines.




What??????? Not really. Some guys in trench coats did but I wouldn't step near those places. Mostly magazines which you could buy anywhere - drug stores, gas stations, etc. Liquor stores had harder and more variety. Then there were adult bookstores in every town - had new and used porn of all types. I would go there - W wouldn't and that's why she still won't go into couples adult stores - she thinks it's still that way. Btw videos were available on all formats over the years and when VHS cane out all video stores had extensive adult sections.

And no one shared porn - at lead that I knew of. 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wild jade

soccermom2three said:


> Hmmm, no answered the strip club question. Interesting.


Seems to be important to forget that actually quite a large proportion of men engage in exactly the same sorts of activities, and then tell their wives they are just "insecure" if they have a problem with it.


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## wild jade

TheTruthHurts said:


> What??????? Not really. Some guys in trench coats did but I wouldn't step near those places. Mostly magazines which you could buy anywhere - drug stores, gas stations, etc. Liquor stores had harder and more variety. Then there were adult bookstores in every town - had new and used porn of all types. I would go there - W wouldn't and that's why she still won't go into couples adult stores - she thinks it's still that way. Btw videos were available on all formats over the years and when VHS cane out all video stores had extensive adult sections.
> 
> And no one shared porn - at lead that I knew of.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Maybe not you. But the world is chock full of guys sharing and ogling over photos of hot women. It's so mainstream it's absolutely everywhere. Groups on the internet, porn, strip clubs. There was that whole fap extravaganza thing where guys were falling all over themselves to download leaked nudie photos of celebrities and sharing them in any way possible, exclaiming all the new finds. Then there was the leaked photos of Princess Kate. And on and on and on. 

Yes, some of these guys were single. But lots were not.

Point being that if OP's wife is being super disrespectful and terrible for posting these pix, she's got an awful lot of company that thinks such things are perfectly okay. Male and female.


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## MEM2020

Snowcrash,

If you don't post by Sunday night I am locking this thread.

All,
You can't control your spouses eyeballs and trying to do so is likely counterproductive.

You CAN try to get them to direct most of their sexual energy your way. 

Being attractive is a mix of art, science and effort. When I see a combination of a lack of effort and controlling behavior my predictor screams out: epic fail




wild jade said:


> Maybe not you. But the world is chock full of guys sharing and ogling over photos of hot women. It's so mainstream it's absolutely everywhere. Groups on the internet, porn, strip clubs. There was that whole fap extravaganza thing where guys were falling all over themselves to download leaked nudie photos of celebrities and sharing them in any way possible, exclaiming all the new finds. Then there was the leaked photos of Princess Kate. And on and on and on.
> 
> Yes, some of these guys were single. But lots were not.
> 
> Point being that if OP's wife is being super disrespectful and terrible for posting these pix, she's got an awful lot of company that thinks such things are perfectly okay. Male and female.


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## TheTruthHurts

wild jade said:


> Maybe not you. But the world is chock full of guys sharing and ogling over photos of hot women. It's so mainstream it's absolutely everywhere. Groups on the internet, porn, strip clubs. There was that whole fap extravaganza thing where guys were falling all over themselves to download leaked nudie photos of celebrities and sharing them in any way possible, exclaiming all the new finds. Then there was the leaked photos of Princess Kate. And on and on and on.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, some of these guys were single. But lots were not.
> 
> 
> 
> Point being that if OP's wife is being super disrespectful and terrible for posting these pix, she's got an awful lot of company that thinks such things are perfectly okay. Male and female.




That's not what I was responding to. You said before the internet guys shared porn and photos which simply wasn't the case.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TAM2013

Catherine602 said:


> The problem is laid at the feet of "modern women"? You missed my point completely even in your ideal world.
> 
> My point is that the gender sh!t needs to be drop kicked out of intimate relationships. Thinking in terms of "modern women", female immaturity and "mr right" shows that you don't get it. You are still mired in the trenches getting dirt kicked in your face by the last pink bomb.
> 
> Stand up and brush yourself off and pull your partner up with you. Vow to communicate with each other with no reference to the gender guru who knows it all and has seen it all. You know, the one residing in your head. It makes for a much simpler and cleaner exchange.
> 
> You won't be able to do it in the heat of the moment but you'll know when you are off base and with that, you'll know how to get back on track. Try to keep the relationship between yourself and the person you find before you not with their evil gender surrogates.


I missed this and it's beautifully written. Nigh on impossible to implement, but beautifully written. Nice one Catherine.


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## MEM2020

Catherine has implemented this. As have I.




TAM2013 said:


> I missed this and it's beautifully written. Nigh on impossible to implement, but beautifully written. Nice one Catherine.


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## sokillme

MEM2020 said:


> All,
> You can't control your spouses eyeballs and trying to do so is likely counterproductive.


 @MEM2020 Why do you keep chastising us for a point that most of us are NOT making. I will say it again. It is about celebrating the attraction by posting pictures and talking about it on a public board. For most of us it has nothing to do with our spouses eyeballs, most adults get that you can't keep there spouses from being attracted to other people, however I would suspect a majority would not be happy if their spouse were posting sexual pictures and commenting on them. 

Please address THIS point. Do you think finding THAT counterproductive?


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## MEM2020

SoKill,

I stand corrected on the nuance of her behavior.

Doesn't change my basic (myopic) view at all. Which is this:
- She is very clearly a sexual person
- She is not into him sexually and 
- He is entirely uninterested in focusing on fixing her lack of desire for him

And seriously - I'm just a man with a keyboard - one of millions - if you believe I'm wrong - don't let it wind you too far up. 




sokillme said:


> @MEM2020 Why do you keep chastising us for a point that most of us are NOT making. I will say it again. It is about celebrating the attraction by posting pictures and talking about it on a public board. For most of us it has nothing to do with our spouses eyeballs, most adults get that you can't keep there spouses from being attracted to other people, however I would suspect a majority would not be happy if their spouse were posting sexual pictures and commenting on them.
> 
> Please address THIS point. Do you think finding THAT counterproductive?


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## jld

MEM2020 said:


> And seriously - I'm just a man with a keyboard - one of millions - *if you believe I'm wrong - don't let it wind you too far up*.


Good advice for everyone.


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## BetrayedDad

snowcrashed said:


> Maybe I'm being a little weird here, but this truly bothers me and makes me feel like less of a man. My wife has never been shy about sharing pictures in her private FB groups about men she finds attractive. As in, she finds them REALLY attractive. It doesn't help my self-confidence when they're polar opposite of me. She's into muscular, tattooed guys with long hair. And of course I'm a average build guy, hairy, no tattoos and short hair.
> 
> I suppose I should try to not be bothered by this, but I just find it disrespectful to our marriage that she has to constantly seek out this content online and share it with her closest mom friends on FB.


One question.

If she was in front of one of these "studs" would she have a shot in hell with them? Honestly?

I'm guessing the answer is no, if so then I wouldn't sweat it dude. Women get horny as they get older.

Maybe consider hitting the gym to get some confidence and let the wife take out her sexual tensions on you. :wink2:


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