# I'm the kind of wife that makes a man impotent



## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

that's what I was told tonight, when I KNOW his lack of ability was due to smoking something he shouldn't have. The last time he looked at me and said "It's not me it's you, I'm just not attracted to you". In both (very recent, since this new smoking habit) cases I asked for specifics like what could I do or say to help but he would not answer, just didn't want to talk....acts like he's mad at me and pushes me away. 

I know humor is not the best approach based on his reactions to my trying to diffuse the situation with it, and I was NOT laughing at him or anything, just trying to smile and say "Oh well, we tried", that infuriated him. ....so what's a girl to do???


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## lostinwi (Aug 25, 2010)

smoke with him


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's not attracted to you, what's he doing in your bed? I have almost unexhaustable patience, but if a woman told me she was not attracted to me, it would be pretty much over for me. Even if she were being honest, it's very cruel to say.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YC,
How often does he smoke? When he is not smoking, how attracted does he seem? Can he consistently perform? If he consistently performs sober, than he is attracted to you. If not, than maybe there is a problem.


=yogachick;178585]that's what I was told tonight, when I KNOW his lack of ability was due to smoking something he shouldn't have. The last time he looked at me and said "It's not me it's you, I'm just not attracted to you". In both (very recent, since this new smoking habit) cases I asked for specifics like what could I do or say to help but he would not answer, just didn't want to talk....acts like he's mad at me and pushes me away. 

I know humor is not the best approach based on his reactions to my trying to diffuse the situation with it, and I was NOT laughing at him or anything, just trying to smile and say "Oh well, we tried", that infuriated him. ....so what's a girl to do???[/QUOTE]


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

he likes getting his smoke more than intimacy with his wife? he is addicted to his smoke (i think i am reading between the lines here). that smoke will kill your drive


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

He's in denial that the smoke is doing this to him. We've been married 22 years and the "equipment" has never really worked superbly but he functioned fine. Now he is 51 with an enlarged prostate, an internet porn addicition, an avid cyclist (100 miles every Sunday is not good for the family jewels) and now this crap he's smoking. It is legal, it's synthetic THC, it's 7 times stronger than the natural (illegal) stuff and I don't recommend it to anyone. 

Yes it was cruel to say. He does really really nice things but also really really mean things, he is bipolar (with some other mental health issues as well) and I think that's why. I don't know what to say or do but I can tell you guys hit on me so _other_ men are attracted to me, just not him. He's also in a midlife crises and coming out of an EA with a young woman from work who looks just like a younger version of me. 

What do I do?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

is he smoking K2?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

yogachick said:


> He's in denial that the smoke is doing this to him. We've been married 22 years and the "equipment" has never really worked superbly but he functioned fine. Now he is 51 with an enlarged prostate, an internet porn addicition, an avid cyclist (100 miles every Sunday is not good for the family jewels) and now this crap he's smoking. It is legal, it's synthetic THC, it's 7 times stronger than the natural (illegal) stuff and I don't recommend it to anyone.


Getting stoned has been known to kill performance in some men. it's a downer. It also has a tendancy to make girls a bit more "randy" for some reason.

as far as strength, you're looking at too many separete details between types, and the 7xstronger statement is probably just a selling point to get people to buy it. If i remember correctly, its also double the price, and its not THC exactly, because that would still fail a drug test for you.

is your husband depressed or otherwise unhappy? The online porn, the EA and the smoking all kind of point to that so long as it wasn't something going on beforehand as well. My husband does this. its sad, obnoxious, and he denies every bit of it. But its a similar pattern to what I deal with. I get sex complaints too, because god forbid I don't want to sleep with a drooling red eyed babbling idiot, thats thinking of his next bag of cheetos.

From my experience, the smoking is not so much an addiction as it is a crutch or an escape add in the other two, and in your shoes I might try to investigate where his unhappiness is stemming from if he's willing to divulge such information..

I'd love to have better advice than "talk to him" but, since I haven't dug myself out of my hole, thats the best I can give you


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> is he smoking K2?


Basically, yes. There are several types of this "incense", I think he samples them all and they put his "equipment to sleep".


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Clucas, He is bipolar and in the middle of a classic mid life crises. 

He has always abused substances but I'd rather he drink because he can function in the bedroom fine with that. I guess I just don't know how to respond to him when he can't perform. I think he is so upset about it he can't accept it is him and deflects it on me. He also does not want to accept it's the smoking because he loves that high. When we have sex early, before he's had a chance to smoke he's fine but he's getting addicted and sometimes smoking throughout the day now so that's becoming harder to get him to do. I saw the pipe in his briefcase yesterday....NOT good.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

yogachick said:


> Clucas, He is bipolar and in the middle of a classic mid life crises.
> 
> He has always abused substances but I'd rather he drink because he can function in the bedroom fine with that. I guess I just don't know how to respond to him when he can't perform. I think he is so upset about it he can't accept it is him and deflects it on me. He also does not want to accept it's the smoking because he loves that high. When we have sex early, before he's had a chance to smoke he's fine but he's *getting addicted* and sometimes smoking throughout the day now so that's becoming harder to get him to do. I saw the pipe in his briefcase yesterday....NOT good.


The only addiction, is the mental one, in this case, Id be happier with that than alcohol, because while he still can perform, alcoholism WILL kill him, the other will not.

The effects lessen as you build up a tolerance same with anything, so of course he is going to start smoking more. As well, if he's in the middle of a mid life crisis and depressed, he's using this as his escape, the problem being, when the high fades, he still has to dwell in his problems, and its worse then, so you jump in again.

I went through this in february after my husbands sister died, he came home, told me he missed me, made a phone call, disappeared, and smoked himself into bed, hopefully he'd be awake long enough to catch supper.. then I'd get to hear about how I don't ever want to have sex and how sad he was. 

Truth is, its not me, its not you (you know that) and its not necessarily _what_ he's smoking, but _why_ he's doing it. which is also why its being turned around on you, you're easier to blame.

Does the man go to counseling? you say he's bipolar, is he taking any meds for it? I really really think if you can get him to go, that counseling is in order, he's not going to get through his crisis without help because he's not letting himself deal with it, so perhaps you need to seek out some help for him.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Thanks Clucas, 

He is on meds for the bipolar but will not speak to a counselor. I think the P-Doc scared him, he won't talk about what happened, just that he will never go back. Luckily our family Dr. prescribes the meds. I'm just not going to take it personally. I feel much better about it after just posting it here. I have no idea what to say if it happens again so I guess I'll say nothing


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

yogachick said:


> Thanks Clucas,
> 
> He is on meds for the bipolar but will not speak to a counselor. I think the P-Doc scared him, he won't talk about what happened, just that he will never go back. Luckily our family Dr. prescribes the meds. I'm just not going to take it personally. I feel much better about it after just posting it here. I have no idea what to say if it happens again so I guess I'll say nothing


That may be best. When I'm not being spiteful, I generally will calmly say "just let me know when you're back" and walk out of the room with no further words.

Otherwise, he'd get an equally if not more so insulting statement in return, and that never helps.

however, the first suggestion always seems to help, within a few minutes, he's returned and acting as if nothing ever happened. it at least keeps the peace for the time being.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

What he said is incredibly cruel and to say that to you after having an affair with a younger woman is beyond words. 
May I ask why do you want him in your bed or in your life for that matter? A bi-polar with addiction issues who blames you for them. I am 100% pro-marriage but this is another level altogether.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Brennan said:


> What he said is incredibly cruel and to say that to you after having an affair with a younger woman is beyond words.
> May I ask why do you want him in your bed or in your life for that matter? A bi-polar with addiction issues who blames you for them. I am 100% pro-marriage but this is another level altogether.


Brennan, 

He is something else!!! I'm still very attracted to him and so are a whole lot of other people! He is the agony and the ecstacy. This man is the father of my children, handsome, charming, and wealthy.....maybe that's as good as it gets and I need to focus on those positives and work through or overlook the negatives. I do know if things don't get better in a couple of years I probably need to rethink this. The mental anguish is a LOT, that's why the therapist told me to take up Yoga...hence the name, LOL!!! 

Thanks for caring....it's nice to know there ARE guys like you out there!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Yogachick,
Your mental anguish isn't worth him being handsome, charming or wealthy and it isn't as good as it gets. YOU are as good as it gets. Your happiness and your mental health.
There ARE guys out there that care. I am however of the stronger sex, a woman.
The 5th principle of yoga is positive thinking. You are at that 5th principle. "I need to focus on the positives and work through or overlook the negatives". Positive thinking is fantastic but not while it is at your expense. Any chance you might reconsider changing your sign on name to "Kickboxing Chick"?


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Yogachick,
> Your mental anguish isn't worth him being handsome, charming or wealthy and it isn't as good as it gets. YOU are as good as it gets. Your happiness and your mental health.
> There ARE guys out there that care. I am however of the stronger sex, a woman.
> The 5th principle of yoga is positive thinking. You are at that 5th principle. "I need to focus on the positives and work through or overlook the negatives". Positive thinking is fantastic but not while it is at your expense. Any chance you might reconsider changing your sign on name to "Kickboxing Chick"?


Well, you made me laugh...."kickboxing chick" hmmmmmm.....he HAS made me scrappy LMAO :smthumbup:


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