# Opinion on comment to wife



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I am one who finds it important to listen to the ladies on things that involves the way the ladies react to life experiences. This is one of those times when I'm seeking necessary advise.

During the 80's and early 90's, I was an "adjunct" escort for a lady friend that owned a woman's salon and spa. Since most clients were there for companionship, conversation, and someone who can make them feel special, and I had to intensive listen to them. I learn more than the average bear about woman. Nevertheless, over the years since, I have forgotten a lot and dealing with my own wife, who typically still thinks I hung the moon, is a little more difficult and I do make mistakes. I quit the business when wife and I got together.

A little background on how my question came about. Roughly five years before meeting me, and my wife was twice married to two physically and/or emotionally abusive men. She also developed a crush on an employer who turned out to be a sexual predator who made her life an emotionally manipulated hell. She eventually quit her job in 1988 and moved out of state to escape the harassment, stalking by ex's, cajoling, et cetera.

After she was triggered in respect to her past life that resulted in a conversation between us, she got highly pissed off at me because I said, "Its been decades since you had to tolerated that life and give yourself credit for _metamorphosing_ into what you are today." She thought my comment was highly insensitive. I thought is was the truth and her "escape" temporarily to another state saved her from more of the same treatment.

Where did I go wrong?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> I am one who finds it important to listen to the ladies on things that involves the way the ladies react to life experiences. This is one of those times when I'm seeking necessary advise.
> 
> During the 80's and early 90's, I was an "adjunct" escort for a lady friend that owned a woman's salon and spa. Since most clients were there for companionship, conversation, and someone who can make them feel special, and I had to intensive listen to them. I learn more than the average bear about woman. Nevertheless, over the years since, I have forgotten a lot and dealing with my own wife, who typically still thinks I hung the moon, is a little more difficult and I do make mistakes. I quit the business when wife and I got together.
> 
> ...


Here is how I would have worded what you said, just to give you a better way of having said it and you have my permission to use these words to clarify your words.

"Honey, I am proud of the journey that you have undertaken. You are in a better place and I love who you have become."

She just didn't like your lack of emoting and never use decades to the wife, because she is already aware of how old she is.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> I am one who finds it important to listen to the ladies on things that involves the way the ladies react to life experiences. This is one of those times when I'm seeking necessary advise.
> 
> During the 80's and early 90's, I was an "adjunct" escort for a lady friend that owned a woman's salon and spa. Since most clients were there for companionship, conversation, and someone who can make them feel special, and I had to intensive listen to them. I learn more than the average bear about woman. Nevertheless, over the years since, I have forgotten a lot and dealing with my own wife, who typically still thinks I hung the moon, is a little more difficult and I do make mistakes. I quit the business when wife and I got together.
> 
> ...


Maybe I misread this but it sounds like you are telling her her feelings aren't valid.

I mean we have a lot of triggered people here from infidelity. Do we say oh it's been years since you were cheated on so these things shouldn't bother you anymore?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Maybe I misread this but it sounds like you are telling her her feelings aren't valid.
> 
> I mean we have a lot of triggered people here from infidelity. Do we say oh it's been years since you were cheated on so these things shouldn't bother you anymore?


Was he married when he was an adjunct? I interpreted it as before he met the wife.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Please address the OP and stop chasing me to every thread and trying to engage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> She thought my comment was highly insensitive.


Did she expand on that? Or are you asking here because she just got pissed at you?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> I am one who finds it important to listen to the ladies on things that involves the way the ladies react to life experiences. This is one of those times when I'm seeking necessary advise.
> 
> During the 80's and early 90's, I was an "adjunct" escort for a lady friend that owned a woman's salon and spa. Since most clients were there for companionship, conversation, and someone who can make them feel special, and I had to intensive listen to them. I learn more than the average bear about woman. Nevertheless, over the years since, I have forgotten a lot and dealing with my own wife, who typically still thinks I hung the moon, is a little more difficult and I do make mistakes. I quit the business when wife and I got together.
> 
> ...





Anastasia6 said:


> Please address the OP and stop chasing me to every thread and trying to engage.


Not a problem.

Anastasia seems to believe you were an escort while with your wife, but I interpret that this was some time before you met your wife.

Could you clarify?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Was he married when he was an adjunct? I interpreted it as before he met the wife.


I actually quit the business when I met her. I was ready for an exit and she was the incentive. I really lucked out to find her.
You folks keep going. I am learning a lot. Especially, 


jonty30 said:


> "Honey, I am proud of the journey that you have undertaken. You are in a better place and I love who you have become."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> After she was triggered in respect to her past life that resulted in a conversation between us, she got highly pissed off at me because I said, "Its been decades since you had to tolerated that life and give yourself credit for _metamorphosing_ into what you are today.


Need more context. Was she beating herself up? A shot in the dark - the metamorphosing kinda makes it sound like she was a 'loose' woman who became a 'respectable' woman. She may see herself as a victim and not as a person whose behavior warranted her treatment.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Need more context. Was she beating herself up? A shot in the dark


We ran into the guy she worked for that turned out to be a sexual predator as best as I can explain it. She was married (2nd time) to a POS who was a 22 years older than her and friend of the family, who was mentally abusive (too lenghty to go into details but take my word for it) Her parent encourged her to marry this cat because he was retired military and had insurance benefits for her sick kids. She later fell for the guy she worked for and had an affair he would not let her get out of. Turned into sexual harassment, threats of exposure, job loss, demotion. She quit, divorced, and moved to Florida for a time before returning to west Georgia at the request of her family. Met me about 5 years later.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

But what triggered her? I took it was something you said.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Then I would say the word metamorphosing was what got her dander up. That and she possibly still wants to sit in the victim chair.

P.S. please don't mention your wife's hair color.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wouldn’t have had a problem with what you said so unfortunately no suggestions here.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Then I would say the word metamorphosing was what got her dander up. That and she possibly still wants to sit in the victim chair.
> 
> P.S. please don't mention your wife's hair color.


What's your best guess about the hair color? Inquiring minds want to know.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> But what triggered her? I took it was something you said.


People advised her not to file against her employer who was the sole business owner. It those days it wouldn't have went anywhere. I believe she's a bit torn between voluntarily entering into a relationship and losing control to cleanly walk away. Its one of the downsides of an affair when there's a power imbalance. You may not have trouble letting it go but you may have a problem of it letting go of you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Then I would say the word metamorphosing was what got her dander up. That and she possibly still wants to sit in the victim chair.
> 
> P.S. please don't mention your wife's hair color.


I also think it's this. She doesn't want to take any responsibility, she wants to be a whole victim, and the word metamorphosing makes notice of the fact that she changed from what she was, as well.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

She actually did a 180 from the self sacrificing wimp she was before getting the hell out of Dodge and was in counseling a couple of years. (based on what her sister and some friends said) She was raised by a emotionally cold and selfish mother (yep, I knew her and she was an iceberg) and a military father who was gone more than home. Since I knew her, she ain't much of a victim and don't have a problem locking horns with folks, in a nice way mind you. She said my comment made her sound like she was a worm all those years that miraculously changed. I mean.................. 

Oh, still wait on a guess of her hair color.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> What's your best guess about the hair color? Inquiring minds want to know.


Red.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How did this even come up?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> She actually did a 180 from the self sacrificing wimp she was before getting the hell out of Dodge and was in counseling a couple of years. (based on what her sister and some friends said) She was raised by a emotionally cold and selfish mother (yep, I knew her and she was an iceberg) and a military father who was gone more than home. Since I knew her, she ain't much of a victim and don't have a problem locking horns with folks, in a nice way mind you. She said my comment made her sound like she was a worm all those years that miraculously changed. I mean..................
> 
> Oh, still wait on a guess of her hair color.


I guess I am not sure of the whole situation so I can't really try to help understand her position. Sorry.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Red.


Damn Blondie, pick me six lotto numbers.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Damn Blondie, pick me six lotto numbers.


You're getting old, Vlad. You've stated it before. I just happen to have a better memory than you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

No big deal Anastasia. I was just curious why she took umbrage at me saying she metamorphosed. I think it she believes it sounded like I was saying she change from a larvae to an adult. 
It was likely more semantics than anything else.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You're getting old, Vlad.


Whatjew mean "getting old". I was old when ya'll had the pleasure of my initial membership to this motley group. Now where did I leave my glasses?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> I am one who finds it important to listen to the ladies on things that involves the way the ladies react to life experiences. This is one of those times when I'm seeking necessary advise.
> 
> During the 80's and early 90's, *I was an "adjunct" escort* for a lady friend that *owned a woman's salon* and spa. Since most clients were there for companionship, conversation, and someone who can make them feel special, and I had to intensive listen to them.


so this is like that Don't Mess with the Zohan movie???


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> I am one who finds it important to listen to the ladies on things that involves the way the ladies react to life experiences. This is one of those times when I'm seeking necessary advise.
> 
> During the 80's and early 90's, I was an "adjunct" escort for a lady friend that owned a woman's salon and spa. Since most clients were there for companionship, conversation, and someone who can make them feel special, and I had to intensive listen to them. I learn more than the average bear about woman. Nevertheless, over the years since, I have forgotten a lot and dealing with my own wife, who typically still thinks I hung the moon, is a little more difficult and I do make mistakes. I quit the business when wife and I got together.
> 
> ...


You didn't her lizard brain is reading in thi gs that are not there.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> No big deal Anastasia. I was just curious why she took umbrage at me saying she metamorphosed. I think it she believes it sounded like I was saying she change from a larvae to an adult.
> It was likely more semantics than anything else.


Remember, it's rarely the information conveyed but how it's conveyed. The medium is the message to many women.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

VladDracul said:


> After she was triggered in respect to her past life that resulted in a conversation between us, she got highly pissed off at me because I said, *"Its been decades since you had to tolerated that life and give yourself credit for metamorphosing into what you are today."* She thought my comment was highly insensitive. I thought is was the truth and her "escape" temporarily to another state saved her from more of the same treatment.
> 
> Where did I go wrong?


Here's my take, @VladDracul. She married two abusive husbands, and had an affair with another abusive person. As I understand the facts, she then moved away to another state and took the time to get herself some counseling and got herself together. Then moved back to her home state, met you and has been in a fairly healthy state ever since. 

So the other day something triggered her--I'm envisioning she saw the OM across a crowded supermarket and told you about it. Conversation ensued. You told her "it's been decades" and that she "metamorphed" into what she is today. I'd say both of those phrases may have rubbed her the wrong way. 

Yep, back when we were young and dumb, we all did dumb things. Still, even though I'm 59 1/2yo, I don't want to be reminded that my "young and dumb" days were DECADES ago! That sounds like I'm old--I am old, but just don't remind me that the white hair is coming. LOL Anyway, when a person triggers, that is usually some small amount of PTSD showing up there--yep, in small, more manageable doses but a traumatic reaction nonetheless. And to the person experiencing PTSD it is like it is happening RIGHT NOW...and yet somehow you acted like "Oh that was a long, LONG time ago now, honey." I'm guessing that felt pretty dismissive to her, because she is feeling it NOW--in the present. It would have probably been smarter to say something like "I bet that was shocking to see him again. I can see how you'd feel that way..." to validate. 

Next, to me "metamorphing" sounds like "you were a worm and now you're a butterfly." YOUR emphasis was on how she's a beautiful butterfly NOW...but what she heard was probably the "you were a worm" part. So after reminding her how old she is, and invalidating how she is feeling in the present (even though it's about things in the past), she then heard you call her a worm (back in the day). It would have probably been smarter to say something like "I give you credit for all you've accomplished" or "You are a smart, emotionally healthy woman and I have faith in you to deal with this. I'm here for you." 

What's funny is that I think that is what you were trying to convey and she was just a TAD touchy!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If my husband said that to me, I would feel like he was proud of me, like I was having a moment and he got me to refocus on now by reminding me of how far I'd come. I'd take the metamorphosis comment as him saying I emerged from it all like a butterfly.

Sorry mate, I got nothin' 💁‍♀️


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

For me, it would have been starting the sentence with ‘it’s been decades since you’. And I’d go deaf after that.

If I was to get upset it would be the reference to ‘oh that was so long ago’ and my female mind Would complete the sentence ‘it’s been decades since that happened can’t you just get over it’. That’s probably not what you meant but a victim of something would feel like her pain was minimised


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