# Newbie...what to do, what to do - sorry, it's long



## Razz (Jun 9, 2011)

Hello all, I stumbled accross this site, and it felt like a good place to get some feedback! Looks like many of you are experiencing the same discontent I am currently. Here's the long & short of it...(mostly long....sorry)

My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have three children - 2 are from my first marriage, and he adopted them shortly after we married, and #3 ours together is 13. The oldest 2 are out of the house (our middle child just graduated high school and moved out last week). For the last 3 or 4 years, I have been repeatedly telling my husband that I am not happy with our relationship, I feel like a piece of the furniture. He sees me, he acknowledges me with the obligatory "good morning", "love you", kisses goodbye & kisses goodnight, but beyond that...not much. No compliments, very little intimacy - unless I initiate. He does take medications that apparently affect his labido - so I could accept that if we had other forms of intimacy, but I get nothing from him. 

I am a professional with a career that has developed and blossomed significantly over the years we have been together. When we met, I had no "career" and he was the primary bread winner in our home. I now hold an executive level management position, and make more money than he does. I have NEVER said anything about making more than he does (I don't rub it in), but I have noticed over the past 5 or 6 years any time I shared with him that I was getting a promotion, a raise, or a bonus (all of these that benefit our family), he becomes distant and gets defensive, making negative comments. I never get a congratulations :smthumbup:good job, nothing. So, I have stopped telling him to avoid upsetting him. 

We have no similar interests, I will do things with him that he enjoys (e.g. fishing, boating, camping), that would not be at the top of my list, but he refuses to do anything that I ask to do. His response if I suggest going to the movies, a play, etc... "I don't like doing those things, so why would I want to go". I get sooooo frustrated, we end up in arguements because I asked to do something that I would enjoy. 

Part of our problem is that I am a very social person, and he is a very shy, intraverted person who does not do well in new social situations. I also believe he is an alcoholic, he drinks beer - a LOT of beer (several cases per week). He never gets drunk (high tolerance), but he is always drinking. As a result he is asleep by 8:00 every night, and doesn't want to go anywhere that he can't take a cooler (e.g. movies, etc). I handle the finances, because if I didn't we would have beer....and nothing else. 

I have asked him to go marriage counseling, even offered to schedule them on his day off - he agreed to go as long as I would find a counselor near our house - ok, we live in small, small town, 20 miles from where we both work. #1, there aren't any therapists in our area, #2, If I could find one there I would have to leave my office drive home for the session, and return to work, rather than him just driving in to meet me for the session. 

I feel like I have REALLY, REALLY tried to make our marriage work. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years now, I can't seem to get him to go because I can't accomodate his requirements, I love him and I care about him, but I can honestly say I am not "in love" with him. Our youngest is visiting the grandparents, aunts and uncles this summer so it is just he and I - alone - staring at each other. I had decided to tell him I want a divorce, but now I am scared and reluctant - for several reasons. I don't want to hurt him, and I am afraid people (his family) will say I used him until our (my) oldest children were on there own. That is so not the case. I did consider divorce last year, and I did decide to stay until our son graduated - but that was because I didn't want our son hurt. He lost one father in the adoption, and he worships his Dad, and this would be detrimental to his senior year. 

I'm ready, but I'm scared.....any advice?


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Razz,
I can see myself in many of the descriptions of your husband's behavior. And it's not good. I have been in IC for 3yrs working on myself, learning how to handle situations better, being able to tune into my wife better. It's working but takes a looong time to figure this stuff out. I've made progress, but still have work to do.

I too am a shy, intraverted person. I don't like new, social type situations. They cause me alot of anxiety. For example, getting invited to a wedding for one of my wife's friends is a nightmare to me. I don't know anyone but my W and my shyness prevents me from interacting with others comfortably. Now if I had my choice, I would never attend these types of events. But I know my W, who is very social, enjoys them so I force myself to go. I push myself to overcome my fear of conversation with strangers. I look for ways to become engaged in the activity whatever it might be. It is very difficult and sometimes quite exhausting till the event is over. I do this because I love my wife and want to be part of her experiences and not be a lump on the couch that doesn't appreciate her activities.

In years past, I have not treated my W with the respect, dignity and attention she deserved. I did the same things as your H- saying 'love you', 'bye', give pecks on the cheek. Just doing the bare minimum. I also lost my way in life & marriage about 6yrs ago and starting drinking heavily for several years. That's when what little intimacy we had evaporated and she drifted away into the mind & arms of another man. My wake up call was when I discovered her blossoming EA with the OM.

I could go on but instead some things to think about:

1. Having an intraverted personality will make it very difficult for your H to come out of his shell. First he will need the desire to make changes to overcome whatever anxiety or stress he feels in social situations. I suggest IC for him to work through his issues.

2. The drinking will cloud his judgement and prevent him from seeing the real world, or the signs of trouble around him. He won't be able to fully comprehend the consequences of his poor behavior and inaction toward your needs. Maybe he's drinking to blunt feelings of inadequacy regarding your working status or other marital issues. Have you talked to him about the drinking and possibly seeking some help to quit?

3. I was lost until that jolt of lightning hit me when I discovered my W's EA. That's how seriously depressed and out of touch I was in our marriage. I often wonder what would have happended if my W had walked out on me early in the drinking stage. I like to think that would have been enough to get me to wake up, rather than have to deal with the awful effects of infidelity in our marriage. But then she didn't know what to do with me and made a poor decision to seek out somebody else because I wasn't there for her.

Until someone hits rock bottom, they don't have any incentive to change their bad habits or behaviors. Maybe it's time for you to set some boundaries and lay down an ultimatum. Tell him about the issues you wrote about and how they concern you and harm you. Tell him he needs to shape up, get help otherwise you must consider separating. Best of luck with your situation.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

First off - Congratulations on your success in the career!!

I understand your guilt about the divorce, but I don't think you should feel guilt about having a serious, frank conversation that includes an ultimatum. I don't know the guy and I already don't like him. Sorry to say that. 

You see, if the ultimatum works, you just seem like the type who would help him in those awkward social situations until he is more comfortable. That's what I'm trying to get at. That he needs to change is a given. It's almost like you feel guilty that you need him to work on the relationship as hard as you have. By seperating your needs and your guilt, you can be firm about the need to change, and if it leads to divorce, it is only because he chose not to work on the needed changes.

Set the boundary and expectation. Use the ultimatum, if necessary, to get his agreement that you are not asking for something unreasonable. Then, a failure to do so is completely on him.


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## Razz (Jun 9, 2011)

Thanks twindad & Halien for the posts. I do feel like I have given it my all, and he is just "going with the flow". As long as no one asks him to step out of his comfort zone, or do anything he doesn't want to do, he is fine. But push the envelope, and it goes down hill fast!. I have tried to talk to him about the drinking, he doesn't think he has a problem. I have told him on several occasions that I can't continue to live this way, I need to be happy too. He will do better for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but eventually it all reverts back to the same old story. He is the same way with our kids. He has a good relationship with our middle child (who he adopted), they hunt, fish, work on cars together, which is great. They both enjoy those things. However; he has virtually no relationship with our oldest (a girl), or the youngest a boy. Their interests are not the same as his, so he will not attempt to get to know them, or build relationships with him. At a recent parent teacher conference for our youngest the teachers asked me if he ever got see his Dad - they thought we were divorced. They said he is always talking about me, his brother and his sister but has NEVER mentioned his Dad. That was a big red flag for me. When I tried to talk to my husband about this, in hopes that he would see he needed to work on the relationship, he got angry. 

Our kids are/were rarely allowed to have friends over - because he didn't like it. When they do bring friends (or with the older ones their bf/gf) over he is rude, and makes them feel unwelcome. 

My therapist says I have "outgrown" my husband, and I believe that to be true. Basically he is the same person he was when we met, and is content to be that same person forever. I on the other hand have matured, changed, and grown not only professionally but also personally. I want a relationship with someone who will be proud of me, and celebrate with me when good things happen to both of us. I don't want to have to hide my accomplishments to keep peace in my home. I know what I need/want to do, I just can't seem to find the courage to say the words....out loud...to him. 

Hopefully the courage will come soon.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Razz said:


> My therapist says I have "outgrown" my husband, and I believe that to be true. Basically he is the same person he was when we met, and is content to be that same person forever. I on the other hand have matured, changed, and grown not only professionally but also personally. I want a relationship with someone who will be proud of me, and celebrate with me when good things happen to both of us. I don't want to have to hide my accomplishments to keep peace in my home. I know what I need/want to do, I just can't seem to find the courage to say the words....out loud...to him.
> 
> Hopefully the courage will come soon.


Nobody can blame you for your decision. That said, I'd like to add just one more thought.

Like you, my income has significantly grown in recent years. I had the added benefit of moving to a place where people tend to be very practical. I think the average income in my township is over six figures, but you would never know it. Be careful that you don't grow into a relationship that is just as superficial.

To illustrate, I'll mention a couple of coworkers who live in a different neighborhood. One makes about half a million per year. I recently overheard him say that he could love any woman, as long as she put out. My other coworker example spends an average of four to five minutes a day with his wife. No more. Their deal is that she can't expect anything other than his paycheck from him. So many are just focused on achieving what they want, and the relationship only meets sexual needs. I know that you know this, but you could potentially have the added problem of meeting guys who are intimidated by your income, or looking for a free ride.

Okay, I promise not to be doom and gloom any more, but please be careful.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Razz,
Based on what you have written I would agree with your therapist that you have outgrown your H in many ways. Unfortunately he has not been willing or able to grow with you over the years. Again, he most likely needs IC to be able to work on himself. The problem is getting him to recognize that need.

And the total disinterest in your youngest and oldest children is disheartening. The years slip by so fast as they grow up and you wonder where the time went. To miss out on those experiences and sharing them with your kids is very sad. Especially since it appears you have addressed this and other issues directly with him.

About the drinking- Men can be stubborn & defiant when their flaws or weaknesses are pointed out. Even if they know them to be true. My W told me many times that I was drinking too much, too often, that I may have a dependancy, that she was concerned about it. I just blew her off even though I knew in my heart I had a problem. I just couldn't bring myself to stop or get help at the time. The addiction was too strong. I had alot of unsettled issues with myself and our relationship that the alcohol helped to numb.

I know you said you're ready to divorce, but keep an open mind to the possibility of reconciliation after you make your move. As Halien and I stated, set some boundaries, issue the ultimatum and make your plans to move on. When he sees how adamant about it you are and how confident, it may be just the epiphany needed to jolt him back into reality. I wish you the best.


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