# I need help!



## SomeGirlSomewhere (Aug 30, 2013)

I am new here and in an attempt not to scare everyone away I will try to make a very long story as short as possible.

DH and I have been separated for the past 3 years. If you can call it that. We haven't lived together in 3 years and our finances are separate, but we have continued to speak to each other every day and still see each other once a week or so.

Until today, I thought that he and I were working on our issues (both individually and separately) with the hope that we might be able to live together again some day.

This afternoon one of my neighbors (who is also a lifelong friend) told me that she discovered he has a Facebook page. I have never had a Facebook page and until today I had never even been on their website. I personally thought everything on the page looked pretty benign until she pointed out to me that you could see who "likes" his picture. This led us to the FB page of a woman he has apparently been chatting with since about 2 weeks after he left me. That being said, there appears to be no communication between them since March when she said she "liked" yet another one of his pictures. He does not appear to respond to this. Their FB conversations do appear to be platonic from what I am able to see. He does have some of the information on his page set to private.

Does anyone know enough about how Facebook works to know whether I can assume that they are no longer chatting? My neighbor suggested using a private investigator to track him via a GPS device. I am reluctant to do this because of the cost (about $500 for 2 weeks) and also because if I found out that he is where he says he is I would feel like a jerk for spying on him when he wasn't doing anything.

Anything anyone has to say would be appreciated.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

First I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear what is happening to you. You did come to the right place for support and advice though. There are many knowledgable people here to help you.

What I can say is there is a private message area on Facebook which you can't see unless you are logged into his account. So even if you see no activity on his wall, he may be communicating in private messaging. 

If you do suspect something then it is worth finding out if that is what you want. From checking phone records to credit card statements. Being you've been separated so long I dont know if you have access to things like that.

I hope this information helps a little.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like he moved out 3 years ago? Is that right?

Very often moving out is for the purpose of keeping an affair secret. Do you ever to over to his place? Does he ever come over to yours?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

When you separated, did you both agree not to date other people?

What led to your separation?

Do you have children?

Are the two of you having sex?

Three years is an awful long time to be separated.....


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## SomeGirlSomewhere (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you for your response to my post, smallsteps!

You said:
"There is a private message area on Facebook which you can't see unless you are logged into his account. So even if you see no activity on his wall, he may be communicating in private messaging."

I wasn't totally sure about this, but I assumed it was probably the case. I am sure there are private communications that I wasn't able to read. However the fact that there are no public communications between them since March makes me think there might not be any private ones either. It just doesn't seem logical to me that he would suddenly tell her in March "Don't communicate with me publicly on Facebook anymore. My wife is going to find my FB page in late August and I want her to think we haven't spoken in 5 months." It sounds even crazier to me when I read it back.
I also don't have any proof that this woman is anything more than a friend to him. Like I said in my OP what I was able to see seemed relatively platonic----comments about music, sports, and even the weather.

You also said:
"checking phone records to credit card statements. Being you've been separated so long I dont know if you have access to things like that."

I have access to our joint cell phone bill. We have unlimited minutes in our service area (the entire state) and there is no record kept (other than what the police can see) of individual calls within the state. The only long distance calls on the bill are to people in his family.
I also have access to one joint credit card that we still share. There isn't anything suspicious on there either.
Of course there is nothing to stop him from having a phone I don't know about. And he usually uses his debit card to pay for things and I do not have access to his checking account information.

Thank you again for all of your help!


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## SomeGirlSomewhere (Aug 30, 2013)

EleGirl, thank you for your reply!

You asked me:
"It sounds like he moved out 3 years ago? Is that right?"

Yes, he moved out three years ago. I should clarify and say that his leaving was a mutual decision reached over an extended period of time. It is not as if he suddenly announced "I am leaving you."

You also asked me:
"Do you ever to over to his place? Does he ever come over to yours?"

I have been to his place, but I do not go over there very often by my own choice. He lives with 3 guys he works with and the place is pretty much bachelor pad hell. Which leads very nicely into your next question and the answer is yes, he usually comes over here if we aren't going out somewhere together.

I am not sure if the links in your post were intended for me or if they are just part of your signature. In any case I will definitely make a note of them in case it turns out I am indeed a betrayed spouse. Thanks again for answering me!


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## SomeGirlSomewhere (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you for answering my post, ThreeStrikes!

You asked me:
"When you separated, did you both agree not to date other people?"

Not in so many words, but we did agree that we couldn't live with each other nor could we live without each other. Keep reading as my answer to your next question might fill in some of the blanks.

You then asked me:
"What led to your separation?"

I will give a somewhat abbreviated answer to this question, but please ask me if anything does not make sense or you want more details. I once heard Dr. Phil say that the reason most marriages end is because of problems with money, sex, your in-laws or some combination of the three. Our problem was the in-laws....on his side. In the time since he's been gone I've come to not be bothered by him having contact with them as long as I don't have to. We haven't fought about them in well over a year now.

In the meantime we have developed another problem not covered by the three things I mentioned above and that is a somewhat long distance relationship. We currently live about 1 1/2 hours from each other. When he first moved out we lived about 15 minutes from each other. About a year after he left, I was laid off and the only job I could find in my field was in the city where I live now.

Next you asked me:
"Do you have children?"

No we don't. And this was part of the problem with the in-laws. They believed I had "brain-washed" him (their word, not mine) into not wanting children when the fact is he had never wanted children.

Then you asked:
"Are the two of you having sex?"

Yes, that is one thing that has never really been a problem....lol.

And finally you said:
"Three years is an awful long time to be separated....."

I couldn't agree with you more. And the fact is if he really has something going on with this girl on FB and he really wants to be with her there is NOTHING stopping him from filing for divorce. But he hasn't done it yet or even said anything about doing it.

Thanks for answering me; those were all really good questions!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn't necessarily have to want anything more than sex with her. And with you. He's apparently got a pretty good thing going. So don't focus on the fact that he hasn't filed. Why should he. Life's not so bad for him. But what about you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SomeGirlSomewhere said:


> EleGirl, thank you for your reply!
> 
> You asked me:
> "It sounds like he moved out 3 years ago? Is that right?"
> ...


The links below are in my signature block. They are not all material for betrayed spouse. If you look, there are some for building a passionate marriage (passion it not only about sex, it's about just being passionate in all things).

Am I right to assume that you are having sex with him when he's over at your place?

No public messages from that woman could mean a few things..
1) he stopped all communication with her
2) all communication between them is no private
3) they are seeing so much of each other now that there is no need to communicate via a social media site.

Three years is a long time to be separated. It sounds like a way of life now .. that your husband likes. IT might be time to shake things up. Find out what is really going on and either get back together or divorce. How many years are you willing to live in limbo while letting him have the comforts of being married?


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## CoffeeKev (Aug 31, 2013)

Well number 1. your life long friend is way too nosey!
Number 2. facebook is HARDLY real life. 
And number 3.did you purchase him when you guys got together? I mean if it has been three years, one of you has to make the call here honey!

Who cares if some weird woman likes his picture? Facebook is an ocean of "farmville fanatic, I'm all alone tonight, hey he looks nice, women". 

You gotta live life girl, just tell him if you love him, and if he don't want to commit for whatever reason, then move on. 

We men today have a massive fear of commitment because if we make one wrong move, it's all divorce court, financial loss, and never ending alimony payments. AND jail time if we can't afford to pay her. So I can't really blame him for being skiddish.

Look, I am not trying to be mean at all, I believe in blunt honesty, and I believe that women are lovely and worthy to be loved without a doubt. You'll be fine if you stop trying to stalk him and live your own life. :smthumbup:

You'll be okay, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do we swim, swim!"


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## SomeGirlSomewhere (Aug 30, 2013)

Thanks for reading my post, Openminded.

You said:
"He doesn't necessarily have to want anything more than sex with her. And with you."

I can't speak for what (if anything) is going on with the other girl. I can, however, speak for myself and I do not consider my relationship with him to be all about sex by any means. We share several common interests and we do not have sex every single time we see each other, nor do we ever have a date where all we do is have sex. I also do not think that guys who are just with a girl for the sex call her multiple times per day everyday.

Also, you said:
"Life's not so bad for him. But what about you?"
I never said I wasn't happy with my situation. As I suggested (but did not state clearly in my OP, I WAS happy with the way things were going. Obviously I would be quite unhappy if I were able to confirm that he has been unfaithful, but all I have right now is some VERY circumstantial evidence. I said further up in this thread that none of the communication I was able to read between them seems to be either flirtatious or romantic.


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## SomeGirlSomewhere (Aug 30, 2013)

Thanks for getting back to me again, EleGirl.

You asked me if you are "right to assume that you are having sex with him when he's over at your place?"

Yes you are, but as I just said to another person who responded to my post, we are doing A LOT more together than just having sex.

Then you said:

"No public messages from that woman could mean a few things..
1) he stopped all communication with her
2) all communication between them is no private
3) they are seeing so much of each other now that there is no need to communicate via a social media site."

I agree with you that the no public message thing probably means that one of the above 3 things is true. I would say #1 or #2 are the most likely as he DEFINITELY still lives with his roommates who are quite loud and can often be heard in the background when we are on the phone. Also, he calls me too much and is too easily available on the phone to be spending any significant length of time with anyone he doesn't want me to know about. Incidentally I also thought of a 4th possibility which is that this woman is merely a casual acquaintance and they simply don't communicate with each other very often.

Finally you said:
"Three years is a long time to be separated. It sounds like a way of life now .. that your husband likes"

I am starting to sound like a broken record here, but I was not at all unhappy with the way things were going between us. If there is in fact infidelity involved, then that is another story.

Thank you again for your responses.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

You know, the whole FB thing sounds pretty innocent to me. So, she's messaged him a couple things and liked a couple of pics. To me, that doesn't warrant any suspicion. I'm a regular FB user, as is my STBXH. There are male friends from high school and college who comment on my posts and like my pictures, and there is absolutely NOTHING going on; vice versa for my STBXH. If anything, if you're cheating on your spouse, NO interaction on FB is the way to go. My STBXH started seeing someone after we separated, and they've been together for 2.5 months now, and as far as I know, they still aren't friends on FB.

I really don't think this is anything to be worried about. But if you're really concerned, just ask him. It seems like - despite the separation - that you guys have an OK thing going.


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## SomeGirlSomewhere (Aug 30, 2013)

Thanks for answering me, FeministInPink. DH and I both have a number of opposite sex friendships that are strictly platonic and I agree with you completely that it is no big deal. The fact that he is speaking to a female is not what made me start feeling a little suspicious. What DID give me some feelings of suspicion are:

1) There is nothing on either of their FB pages (DH's or hers) that explains how they happen to know each other in the first place. Every other woman who made visible-to-the-public comments on his page is either A) someone who is related to him, B) someone I've met that he knew before we knew each other, C) someone who used to work with him at previous job, D) someone who works with him at his current job, or E) is a member of one of the FB sports groups that he is also a member of.

2) I also think it is a little suspicious that the first comment he made on her page was made more thanr 3 years ago----EXACTLY 22 days after we separated.

You said:

"if you're really concerned, just ask him. It seems like - despite the separation - that you guys have an OK thing going."

He does not know that I know he has a FB page. For now I am not sure that I want him to know. I do not think I would get a straight answer if I asked him about it since he has been known to lie to avoid confrontation in the past. Other than this thing (which again may be nothing) we DO have a pretty good thing going. In many ways I actually prefer our current situation to our marriage.


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