# Need perspective on things.



## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Here's my story:

The wife and I have been married for almost 7 years, we've been together for 10. I married her because we were dating for 2 years, and she wanted something more. To tell you the truth, I was not ready to be married, and it showed in the first few troublesome months.

*We have trouble with intimacy:*
When we first got together, we had sex all the time. Then she moved 100 miles away in 2002. I went on most weekends, and we would have sex then. There were times that we wouldn't, due to her working alot. I lost my job and was unemployed, so I decided to make the move to be with her. During unemployment, I became sort of a recluse, not being real happy about my employment prospect. About the eighth month of unemployment, things were not working out and I decided to move back home and almost decided to end things there. However, I did get a new job in June 2003 and things were looking up for me. She was feeling the distance between us, so I resumed heading up to where she lived again. In March 2004, I proposed to her, but we were still living separately. In August of that same year, to save the relationship, we mutually decided to live together again, where I would take the brunt of the driving to work (50 miles each day). We finally got married in March 2005, and we moved back to our home city. 

She got a promotion with her job, and it meant for her to travel out of town, which meant I was alone most days during the week. In order to deal with my boredom, I'd go to the bar and hang out with friends. When she quit her job and got another to stay closer to home, I'd continue to hang out with my friends (about once a week, and usually on Fridays). She would be ok with this, as we both knew that friends are important since we don't have kids.

Now as things became more normalized, our sex life was not improving. I started to have performance issues, and due to that, my confidence was shot. Sex had dwindled down to once a month, and she wanted more. I went to a doctor a few years back, and was prescribed some testosterone, and while it helped, our sex life didn't improve all that much. 

A few years ago, she started to feel that I was not giving her the attention that she needed - she started to feel that I would go out with my friends and gave priority to that over our relationship. Truth was, my sex confidence was down close to zero, and was extremely afraid of failure, but I still wanted to see my friends and hang out. I would also make trips to the casino without her - but she didn't like poker and didn't want to hang around - so I made plans without her because of this. Although we would make plans together to go at times, she felt like that she was feeling left out. At the same time, I thought we were going through the motions of marriage, where sex would inevitably become less, but the emotional attachment would remain.

So almost a year ago, I took a 2 day trip to the casino with a friend. I usually text her constantly when I'm on these trips, to show her that I was ok. This particular trip, I wound up losing a lot of money, and was steaming mad, and didn't contact her. She wound up blowing up my phone, and that's when things started to surface. She wanted me to fix my performance issue, plus take the time to be with her, but I could still hang out with my buddies. I've only taken one day casino trip since that incident, and it was with her.

It took me until December to gather up the courage to see a urologist - as no man really wants to admit that they have a problem. I was then prescribed Levitra. When I finally got to use it, my confidence was coming back around - but I still felt awkward in initiating sex. This was also compounded by her working and going to school alot, but looking back at it, it's really no excuse.

Sex started to ramp up a bit, and for New Year's Eve we took a trip to Miami. We had lots of sex during the trip, and we were having a good time. We come back, I'm feeling good, and sex started to increase to every week. My friends' outings were becoming more limited, as I would now only go out twice a month or less.

*Things come to a head:*
About 2.5 weeks ago, we were planning to go to a basketball game, and were eating where she brought it up again that I was not paying enough attention to each other. The sex was getting a little better according to her, but it seemed like sex would be the last part of the day for us. - I told her that things were improving between us, and to give it time, but I am making the time and effort to spend more time together. She then said that our anniversary is coming up, and I need to figure out what I really want. We then went to the game, but it was clear neither of us was really into it.

We had an argument later that evening, saying that we should have had sex before the game. (I had a bit of indigestion, wasn't in the mood). And she cried saying why I didn't want to have sex then. The night passes, and Monday I took the initiative and we had sex. Same for Tuesday. 

That Friday, she called me and said she was having dinner with her co-workers. I was ok with this, and I said I would just be home. She came home, then we had sex. Saturday was a pre-planned day. I was hosting a poker game with buddies, and she was going out to the club with her friends. 1:45am Sunday morning, as I was cleaning up, I get a call from her phone. It was the police, and told me that she was at a substation, and needed a ride home. I get there and she's passed out. We wound up going to the ER, and she clearly had too much to drink. At about 4AM, I was a bit fidgety, so I decided to play around on her phone. 

It was here I discovered a wall of text to another guy. The texts were flirtatious in nature, and there were about 100 of them between the two of them. Through the texts I also found that she lied about the day before - she went out to dinner with this guy, and the intentions that night was to see this guy. My heart sank. I contemplated leaving her there to wake up to no one, but genuine concern triumphed over betrayal and anger. So I was left to stew, having no sleep, until 11:30am Sunday (1 week ago) when she finally came around. She was still drunk, but she recognized me and we finally went home. At this point, she had no idea I knew, but she was asking for her phone. It was something that I would discuss when she recovered.

About noon, we're finally at home, and trying to get some sleep, she gets a call. I jump up first, and it's this guy. I don't pick up, and I stew off in another room. I finally confront her about this, and while she is still drunk, she says the marriage is over. We argue and cry a bit, we decide to sleep a bit until she sobers up a bit more.

So it winds up being an Emotional Affair, and she maintains nothing sexual as come out of it yet, but the intention was clearly there. It just so happened she was drunk out of her mind. As I think about it, I realize that I am clearly to blame for all this, and if I would have listened, none of this would have happened. 

*Where do I stand on all this:*
While I feel betrayed, saddened, lied to, I completely understand this is mostly my fault, by not communicating to her when I needed to. A bit hard for me, since I'm not a real emotional person. But this instantly refueled my attraction to her - I want to work things out. But she said that she's about given up, and she wants a change in her life, and she doesn't want me to be a part of it. 

*In the week following up into now:*
We constantly discuss this - at first she agreed to therapy, then backtracked a couple of days later. I'm trying to give her my affection, and she returns it at times. She goes back and forth on wanting a divorce to not knowing what she wants. We wound up both calling in sick to work on Friday, and we spend the whole day together. We have a good time, trying to not focus on the situation, but we argued a bit more that night, and we were back to square one. However, she wants to go to a restaurant on Saturday after she gets off work, so I talk to people for perspective in the meantime. We have a good dinner together, and we head back to the house. She kisses me and maintains she doesn't know where we stand, but we watched a movie and fell asleep in each other's arms. Sunday she had lunch with her friends, so I stayed behind. After she comes back, she gives me a kiss, I suggest we head to the park to spend time together, we discuss things, and she said that she just wants to be friends. Later that evening, she proposes that we have sex, but to have it be meaningless. Yesterday, I wanted to have sex again and let it be known, but we failed there by us being too tired. And here I am again, not knowing what to do.

I want us to work things out - she's a bit closed off and saying that she's basically through, but there are plenty of little signs of affection that's telling me otherwise. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I will answer any questions as objectively as I can.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

AlterEgoist said:


> Here's my story:
> 
> The wife and I have been married for almost 7 years, we've been together for 10. *I married her because we were dating for 2 years, and she wanted something more.* To tell you the truth, I was not ready to be married, and it showed in the first few troublesome months.
> 
> You could have saved yourself 7 years by just being honest with her and with yourself...Sorry you're in this position!


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> You could have saved yourself 7 years by just being honest with her and with yourself...Sorry you're in this position!


Sorry for the misunderstanding - When she wanted something more, I meant she wanted it to take it to the next level, which I did. I married her to make her happy. I just didn't fully realize what it meant until after the first few rocky months.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

I feel as I should add more:

There is no true hate in the marriage right now.
She says she loves me, and that we're truly in love with each other.
She's still physically attracted to me.
She wants to be happy. I want to be happy with her.
If she comes around, I do believe that I can be the man that she wants me to be, while maintaining my own integrity.

This is driving me nuts. I now have insomnia because of this.


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

you seem like a very weak man, are you sure it was only an EA and not a PA and is she still in her affair?


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Way to bump a thread that's over 5 months old. 

Otherwise, to answer your questions, I was a weak man when I last answered this thread. Now I don't care what she does.


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