# Husband on SSD and I am a caretaker/housewife...



## Eagles Dancing (Jun 3, 2012)

My husband has been on social security disability since 1990. He has back problems from being buried in a ditch while laying sewer pipe back in the 70's.

He gets around pretty good and does better than me at times.

My question is...our only income is the ssd...and I make a little bit selling cows, and handcrafted items, garden produce, and flowers....but not enough to support myself at this time.

I gave up my job to take care of him and his mother.

Now he claims I can't get any of his income and will have to pay him for his half of the house/farm.

I need the farm to make my income. I plan on doing a truck farm and a farm stay program. He tells me that will never happen and he wants to keep me where I have no income so he can be in control.

What are my options? Any advice?

He is abusive to me and I need to change my life. 25 years is too long to live this way.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. 

From my experience and what I have seen, any type of social security benefits are not divisible in a divorce as they are the property of the individual citizen. They are an "entitlement" from the government meaning each citizen who meets the criteria to receive the benefits can get them so they are individual property. I, of course, could be wrong, hence the disclaimer above.

For advice for you I offer the following:

1. Can you get your old job back?
2. What is the farm worth if it is sold and the equity is divided.
3. Can you reach an agreement on your own or via mediation rather than litigation?
4. If he likes to be in control, then frame your negotiations to where he thinks he is in control but you really get what you want anyway. People like him are scared cowards who don't know what they truly want so they keep you miserable. 

Sounds like you two have your own incomes and the property will need to be divided. Again, it comes down to reaching an agreement. Best of luck here.


----------



## Eagles Dancing (Jun 3, 2012)

Thanks VA,

I can't get my old job back. I have been a stay at home mom and caretaker since 1990.

You are so right about being a coward...he threatens me all the time with divorce and yet he doesn't really want one.

I also thought that the SSD is his and I totally understand that.

He is on a medicaid waiver so he can get public housing or assisted living if he needed to...but he really isn't that disabled if you ask me.

It just reeks because I have been the loving caring wife doing my duty and he has kept me from doing things I love to do and never let me chase my dreams....its seems to be all about him.

He even gets jealous of me spending time with the grand kids.

I think the property should be divided, but with the thought that the farm would be for my use to make a living. He doesn't need the money because he has income and I don't.

I have put my life on hold to be there for him. I just don't get that kind of love and consideration in return from him.

My father died in a farm accident two years in July and I realized life is short and I need to stop putting my life on hold and start doing things I enjoy.

This has freaked my husband out!! He doesn't like my new take on life.

I might be in a midlife crisis....but I have to start living my life now. My son turned 18 today!! So we will be empty nesters soon.

Time to do my thing!!  That sounds selfish I know...but I really and truly have been there for my family for all these years. Now its my turn.

Just can't seem to make it work with my husband. I have to move on.

Thanks for your input!


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Again, your situation seems like it can be solved with mediation. Maybe there is something you can offer so you can keep the farm. It may also be that since your husband can get housing and has income, you may be able to use that as leverage to get the farm. Since he is on SSD, you both effectively have no income so your assets and debts are all that is left to deal with. 

Be careful about concentrating too much on self, that has a tendency to backfire. If you think you are in a mid-life crisis, go get some IC to help with that rather than making major life changes when your emotions can be running the show. Sorry to hear about your dad but ensure you let the grieving process work before making major life decisions that you may later regret. Best of luck here.


----------

