# My Husband Has been cheating for the past 6 years



## JENNY2014 (Jul 8, 2014)

I recently found out that my husband of almost 12 years has been cheating on me for the past 6 years of our life together. He has been cheating with different women and had also been in a short term relationship. He has also been with several prostitutes.
I dont know where this has come from because I am a very sexual person. Before I found out what was going on we never had a great sexual relationship. He would never be interested or he wouldnt be able to keep up and would always say to me that he has a lot of work from stress and too much on his mind and so on. we have 2 young kids. before I found out he is cheating we also had a very rough early years of our marriage. he would be very abusive physically and verbally. although that has changed and he no longer does that. 
I am done with this marriage but he will not let me go. He manipulates me and says he is sorry but I dont know why i am so scared to leave him. I get guilty feelings but i know thats the best option for me. He says that he is very sorry and i need to forgive him and he knows that it was a huge mistake and doesnt know why he was doing that stuff behind my back but I need to move on with him and forgive him.

I need help. I go to therapy but I feel like the people that do know whats going on are not helpful enough because they are in a way making me stay with him and say that all men are the same.

please help me and give me your advice. I am desparate.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well, first things first... get yourself tested for every STD known to man.

As for reconciliation... Given all that you've discovered, do you truly believe that you could continue in your marriage w/ your husband? Take some time to think about this, and _be honest w/ yourself_.

If so, roll up your sleeves and grit your teeth, because it's going to be hard work for the both of you. To be fair, most of the burden for any and all of the heavy lifting required is rightfully placed squarely on your husband's shoulders, but there will be no shortage of hard work for you to do as well.

If not, however... Well, that's fine too. It's your choice to make now. Your husband doesn't really get a say in your decision... he's just along for the ride. _Don't be afraid to tell him this._

And by the way, divorce and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive; you can divorce, and then forgive *OR* you can forgive, and then divorce.


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## JENNY2014 (Jul 8, 2014)

Thank you for your reply. No I can't move on with him and I dont want to. I am just so scared because I have always relied on him for financials. I dont have a job or a career. He is going along for the ride. but the guily feelings he gives me and manipulation he puts me through just gets to me. I am very sensitive and have 0 confidence. 
I have checked for STD's and blood work and thank god everything is negative but I do however have the HPV virus and my doctor says it could be from his sexual relationships.
I appreciate your reply.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

JENNY2014 said:


> Thank you for your reply. No I can't move on with him and I dont want to. I am just so scared because I have always relied on him for financials. I dont have a job or a career. He is going along for the ride. but the guily feelings he gives me and manipulation he puts me through just gets to me. I am very sensitive and have 0 confidence.
> I have checked for STD's and blood work and thank god everything is negative but I do however have the HPV virus and my doctor says it could be from his sexual relationships.
> I appreciate your reply.


Do 180
http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

It is about improving your self
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Change terapista, it is about you Feeling better, if it means staying so be it, but it doesnt be a must 
Make your H read this post from other thread



Thorburn said:


> PLEASE READ THIS AND UNDERSTAND IT:
> 
> I have thought about posting this for some time now. It is not original to me, and chances are that many here have already seen this. It is from another forum (that can be found by searching on the title of this thread). If you go to that forum/thread, the person posting this says that they do not know its origin - but deep within the tread the original author/poster who put this together comes forth and says that they have no problem with it being distributed. I presume that to be true.
> 
> ...


4et
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to put together a plan to divorce him if that's what you want to do. 

Find out the laws for divorce where you live. How much spousal support and child support will you receive. In many states you will get spousal support during the divorce and for half the length of the marriage. You need to figure out if you can make it on whatever is the spousal support that your state allows. Hopefully that should be enough time for you to get any training you need and to get a job. 

Start moving money into an account in your name only so that you have access to money.


Interview some attorneys to find out what your rights are. Many will give .5-1 hour appointments for free. You can find out a lot in that much time. Also search on the internet for divorce in your state and find out more about it that way.

I know couples who have gone through something as bad as what you have. Some are able to work through it and have good marriages afterwards (as hard as that seems to be to believe) . Some do not.

Whatever your choice it, it's ok. Just start moving in that direction.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm sorry to say he's manipulative, with only his best interest in mind. He's been abusing you since day one in one way or another.

Him saying you need to just get over this and forget about divorce is just one more form of his ultimate control and abuse.

Get yourself and your kids away from him ASAP. But protect yourself. Doesn't sound like a guy who will quietly let go.

So sorry you are in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Jenny,

First, I am very sorry you are here. This is a place for wayward souls and the price for admittance is so very steep.

Your husband is to put it nicely, a piece of crap. You do not have a career and you have no self confidence. So he looks at you like you are property. He basically provides for you so you can be his plaything when he wants you.

You need to do a few of things.

First, like Elegirl said, figure out a plan for divorce. Try to get a plan of where you are going to live, how you are going to live and work the details of the plan. It will change so don't get to involved in the details, but understand what needs to be done to make this break from him.

Second, you have to find your self confidence. It is inside of you. Do the little things and then find success in them. Go for a walk. Make yourself walk 1/2 mile today and when you do, understand you had a goal and you achieved it. Constantly achieving goals you set for yourself will help lead you to some self improvement.

Third: Do the 180. Separate yourself from him emotionally. He is a cancer upon you so you cannot let him drag you down. Do not get dragged into any drama/guilt he tries to throw at you. He is trying to manipulate you.

If your marriage is so bad, you would leave with just the clothes on your back. If it is just bad, you can take him to court through the divorce. Make sure you have proof of his adultery. It will come in very handy in court.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Divorce him. This is why i recommend every woman to have her own financial assets just in case something happens.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here and no not all men are the same. I have been married 32 years and have never cheated.

You need to work on yourself and your self confidence. Start the 180, do not sleep with him and file for D as soon as you can. Have you exposed all of his PA's with his family?

Yes find an IC for yourself as soon as you can.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I'm sorry to say he's manipulative, with only his best interest in mind. He's been abusing you since day one in one way or another.
> 
> Him saying you need to just get over this and forget about divorce is just one more form of his ultimate control and abuse.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## JENNY2014 (Jul 8, 2014)

First thank you so much for all of your comments. I am new here so I am having a hard time with the abbreviations so what does IC stand for. 

I have shared with his family. I set up a meeting with his parents and mine and I told them everything I had found out. Everyone was in shock and then his parents told me to forgive him and his stupid decisions and mistakes. I have tried for the past 3 months to forgive him but I just cant forget and given all the problems we have and had I just see no clear picture of us succeeding.

He has promised me that he will take care of me and the kids financially but again makes me feel guilty and says the kids and bla bla bla. 

He is on vacation now but when he gets back I want to say to him that I just cant do it anymore and we need to separate. We own a house together but I dont want to live in here anymore so would it be a bad choice if I have him rent out an apartment for me to move to?

I just need a new fresh beginning and dont care about the house. 

Just to confirm with everyone, it is in the past what he has done to me for the past 6 years but I have every right to not want to continue with him?

Thank you in advance to everyone. This is very helpful to me and I appreicate everything everyone has to say.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

IC - Independent Counseling or counseling for just you as opposed to MC, Marriage Counseling


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

JENNY2014 said:


> First thank you so much for all of your comments. I am new here so I am having a hard time with the abbreviations so what does IC stand for.
> 
> I have shared with his family. I set up a meeting with his parents and mine and I told them everything I had found out. Everyone was in shock and then his parents told me to forgive him and his stupid decisions and mistakes. I have tried for the past 3 months to forgive him but I just cant forget and given all the problems we have and had I just see no clear picture of us succeeding.
> 
> ...


Of course his family told you to forgive him, they're on his side and want what's best for him. They know you're what's best for him. They want him to have his nice in-tact family and unlimited access to grandkids. They don't want a divorced son/brother/etc. They are not looking out for what's best for YOU. They will always be on his side. Do not take this into account while deciding that you don't want to be with him.

Also, it sounds like you're feeling like you might be bad for not wanting to be with him. I can understand that with his family and him telling him to forgive you and being manipulating. But Jenny, *of course you don't want to be with him.* He has used your feelings, self-worth, self-esteem, everything good about you as a used rag. He has betrayed you and your family. He has no conscience or care for what he has done to you. He only cares about himself and his d*ck. That's it. Nobody here could possibly blame you for moving on from him. In fact, we highly encourage you to do so. Find a man who will treasure you, value you, treat you amazingly, who would never betray you in anyway, who only has eyes for you. THAT is what you deserve.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Only you can decide what you want to do. 6 years is a LONGGGG time to carry on an affair behind your back. If it is over great. 

At the end of the day you must decide if you have had enough or continue to work on the relationship. We can give you advice, but the decision is yours to make. 

In mine - and only my - opinion, years of physical and verbal abuse, followed by a 6 year affair? This is not someone I would want to share my life with for a second longer.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

There is a saying in business that the biggest mistake executives make is throwing good money after bad. 

You have a finite number of years to live - why waste them on this creep? Move on and enjoy the rest of your life with someone that will honor and cherish you. You deserve it.....


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

He cheated,manipulated, and abuse you both physically and verbally ? Leave him please, not all men are the same, there's faithful guy out there who won't beat and shout at you. He's right on one count that you need to move on but that doesn't mean that you have to stay with him

I wish you all the best, good luck


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## JENNY2014 (Jul 8, 2014)

Thank you all again. I had a nice therapy session with my counselor today. Her main concern is that since my husband doesnt want me to divorce or separate she is afraid I wont make it financially. What are your thoughts? She wants me to work on my self and make me strong but I have such a hard time concentrating on myself. She said that if I were financially stable, or had a job then it would make things that easier. is it that bad that I dont have a job????? Therapist wants me not to rely on him so later I have it easier. I get where she comes from but is it bad to rely on him for a little while until I get a job? Isnt he suppose to support me?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

With him or without him, you need to establish your own independence. Big part of that is establishing financial stability, so you will need to find work. Have you worked in the past? What level of education do you have?

Yes even if you divorce he very well may need to pay alimony in addition to his required child support. But certainly you should also be working to provide for your kids.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

JENNY2014 said:


> Isnt he suppose to support me?


You can maybe ask for it in court, support that is, but it is best you find a means to get on your feet...and that means facing some fears. Also if you do decide to move on...you really won't have to interact with ex, haggling over money all of the time...that's not really getting the new start you are imagining.

A good approach is perhaps beginning with a "trial separation", where you move out while basically the marriage is on suspension, pending a divorce. This may be a time where you can have some emotional space, a time to sort our your feelings on the matter,and start establishing financial independence. Perhaps you will feel differently after the separation or you may say forget it and move on.

Did you catch him cheating or did you confess one day? If you caught him, he might have not stopped the behavior...not to mention six years is a long run to not be mixed in something before.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

JENNY2014 said:


> Thank you all again. I had a nice therapy session with my counselor today. Her main concern is that since my husband doesnt want me to divorce or separate she is afraid I wont make it financially. What are your thoughts? She wants me to work on my self and make me strong but I have such a hard time concentrating on myself. She said that if I were financially stable, or had a job then it would make things that easier. is it that bad that I dont have a job????? Therapist wants me not to rely on him so later I have it easier. I get where she comes from but is it bad to rely on him for a little while until I get a job? Isnt he suppose to support me?


Baby steps,

Find a job, is not just about the money, it is about you being able to support yourself, you will feel very strong! it is about you in control of your life.


Research about alimony after and during divorce in your country/state

Keep therapy


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