# Do you have responsive desire only?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I've read this time, and time, again, that women are sexually responsive beings, contingent on the initiation of another sexual party in order to ignite desire.

This is not true for my wife, and I would like to know if she is just a rare creature, or if there are many other women for whom this is not true.

Does your desire for sex ignite from within, or in response to stimulus without?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm not sure I'm reading the question correctly.Please tell me if I'm off track.

I like initiating and I like when he initiates.I think I'm a little too meticulous about it bc I want things to be fair so we both feel equally desired.SO picks on me about my need for fairness and balance.

I ignite from within when I'm in a healthy relationship.

It's hard to explain! LOL It's like I'm always lit for him but I like to let him show me he is lit as well.
Hoping that makes sense.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Mostly I have desire when I initiate, there's have been a handful of times that I have responsive desire only (last no more than a couple weeks). I don't have desire when I initiate at those times but know that within a few minutes after initiating my desire for sex is there so my level of initiating doesn't go down when those times occur.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I hope I will articulate my thoughts correctly...

In the beginning of my marriage I would say I probably was just responsive. Back then I didn't think about sex as often as I do now, and sometimes I would use self pleasure not because I was horny, but to sort of keep things going. The more orgasms I would have the more I would want.

However, now at this point, after mentally *allowing* myself to be a sexual being, and being sexually free with my H, I recognize my own needs and cravings. I think about sex now without the conscious effort, and desire my husband without any extra effort from my H when I'm in the mood.

I do not initiate when I'm not in the mood, however when my husband makes a pass at me during those times, I am still open to recieving his advances and still get turned on, so it's during those times when I would say my desire is responsive.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I would say both but more often responsive. I am by no means shy to initiate though


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No I don't have responsive desire only. Which is probably no surprise considering all the way TMI I have offloaded here.

For me that would be like asking "do you only eat when someone puts food in front of you". No eating is a normal part of my daily life, I do it because I want and need to. 

The desire for sex for me is an innate state of being.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> For me that would be like asking "do you only eat when someone puts food in front of you". No eating is a normal part of my daily life, I do it because I want and need to.
> 
> The desire for sex for me is an innate state of being.


perfect!now why couldn't I say it so clearly? LOL


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Interesting question. I read somewhere once that a woman's sexuality is slightly narcissistic, in that her desire for sex is directly related to the amount of desire she feels from her partner... 

I wish I still had the article, but I do remember indentifying with it. However, I do believe that a woman who is confident her partner's desire for her is more likely to initiate and want sex with him!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Interesting question. I read somewhere once that a woman's sexuality is slightly narcissistic, in that her desire for sex is directly related to the amount of desire she feels from her partner...
> 
> I wish I still had the article, but I do remember indentifying with it. However, I do believe that a woman who is confident her partner's desire for her is more likely to initiate and want sex with him!


I've read that somewhere too.

Anyway, no, not only. Probably twice a week spontaneous? Depending on my cycle. Responsive is always there.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I ignite from within when I'm in a healthy relationship.
> 
> It's hard to explain! LOL It's like I'm always lit for him but I like to let him show me he is lit as well.
> Hoping that makes sense.


I am the same way.  When things are good between me and a partner, I usually outsex them!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I had to think about this... I'm fairly HD but I don't actually initiate sex very often but only because I don't get the chance to. 

We are both very affectionate and touchy feely every day... so he doesn't have to work too hard to get a positive reaction from me and he makes it clear to me i can have my wicked way with him anytime, anywhere, any way.

So.... rather than being an initiator I'm think I'm more just highly responsive... maybe tonight I'll initiate...if i get a chance


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

It's a pain when you initiate & get no response.. or deadened "not now" feelings. (But then nothing happens later.)

If my initiating would go anywhere... that would be awesome.

When he initiates... Sometimes I'm in a very responsive mood... Sometimes the desire has to build up over a little bit of time.. .but I know it will come.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I've read this time, and time, again, that women are sexually responsive beings, contingent on the initiation of another sexual party in order to ignite desire.
> 
> This is not true for my wife, and I would like to know if she is just a rare creature, or if there are many other women for whom this is not true.
> 
> Does your desire for sex ignite from within, or in response to stimulus without?


Both, depending on the day. If I'm having a day where I feel confident, I'm more likely to feel like initiating and seeking out sex with my husband. I do enjoy being naughty. Sometimes I'll randomly initiate one of our role playing identities, to give him the hint that I want some. But I also love, love, love, love being pursued and seduced. 

So, it depends.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

So totally not responsive only. In fact I do most of the initiating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm not sure I'm reading the question correctly.Please tell me if I'm off track.
> 
> I like initiating and I like when he initiates.I think I'm a little too meticulous about it bc I want things to be fair so we both feel equally desired.SO picks on me about my need for fairness and balance.
> 
> ...


I feel like this.... I so enjoy coming on to him....though it helps knowing he is happily receptive / responsive when I do.... We both love feeling desired & wanted so we both.... "bring it on"...I'd say we are equal in this...these days. 

Generally women have what they call the more "*Receptive*" sex drive over men (due to estrogen), as men are generally the Aggressors... enjoy a little "Chase".... being fueled by more Testosterone and antsy "*need*" over their wives....and us women.... we love to feel desired, cherished & wanted... so we give in to this romance in the sexual....if the "emotional" is being met to her fulfillment. 

But even men & women can be different... Some Libido Tests / types here....just for fun..

 Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 

There are 10 libido types:

1. *Sensual*
2. *Erotic*
3. *Compulsive*
4. *Dependent*
5. *Stressed*
6. *Disinterested*
7. *Detached*
8. *Addictive*
9. *Entitled*
10. *Reactive* 

Can figure out yours here>>>  Identifying your Libido Type 

Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other...

The Classic Lover 
The Exotic Lover 
The Suave Lover 
The Carnal Lover 
The Devoted Lover 
The Surprising Lover
The Romantic Lover 
The Liberated Lover


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm not sure I'm reading the question correctly.Please tell me if I'm off track.
> 
> I like initiating and I like when he initiates.I think I'm a little too meticulous about it bc I want things to be fair so we both feel equally desired.SO picks on me about my need for fairness and balance.
> 
> ...


Also, it depends on what is meant by initiating. I'm a very tactile person and touch / flirt with my partner all the time. Things that I mightn't necessarily see as me initiating are perceived that way by him.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

This is an interesting question. I often think about this myself. Scarlet you mentioned that being fair and balance is important to you in a relationship. I think that has a lot to do with it in some cases. For those that have a responsive desire sometimes I feel that it's perhaps an insecurity or some form of manipulation. The reason why I think this is because if you know that once your SO starts sex you will like it, what's stopping you from initiating it? How can you not think about something that you know that you and your spouse can enjoy together? Of course i'm not talking about people in horrible relationships or for those that find sex painful.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I have both types, however, my responsive desire is the only thing that will cause lubrication *before* action. IOW, I can feel horny all on my own, but I won't get lubricated by that feeling. Whereas, when my H is coming at me with the intent to take me, I will get lubricated from knowing this is going to happen.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I have both types, however, my responsive desire is the only thing that will cause lubrication *before* action. IOW, I can feel horny all on my own, but I won't get lubricated by that feeling. Whereas, when my H is coming at me with the intent to take me, I will get lubricated from knowing this is going to happen.


I can be like that too. Sometimes I can have a high desire for sex but I will not necessarily have an erection.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> I feel that it's perhaps an insecurity or some form of manipulation. The reason why I think this is because if you know that once your SO starts sex you will like it, what's stopping you from initiating it? How can you not think about something that you know that you and your spouse can enjoy together?


I don't believe it's borne out of insecurity or manipulation. It is often the desired dynamic of women because it is their SO's desire that turns them on and makes them want sex.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Using the food analogy, I am sometimes hungry and want to have food/sex. 

Most of the time, I am not _hungry _but am open to having food/sex because I know it will taste good/feel good once I start.

Sometimes the thought of food/sex is a non-starter no matter what.

The proportions of these 3 types of desire have varied at different times in my life *and *with different partners and circumstances.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have a desire to be with my sexy husband every chance I get. 

Does that answer your question?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife has always been the responsive type never initiating...Until recently. I have to admit, I do feel like she desires me when she initiates. This is kind of a new thing for me. I think in part of the 180 I was doing. The 180 thing has the same personality changes as an affair. ( I could be wrong there) Dressing better, working out, eating healthies, I grew a goatee, I was distant, I stopped initiating hugs...oops, I am oo track here.

I don't know if she is doing this now out of obligation, fear that have one foot out the door, or she may think that I am having an affair, so she is keeping me busy in the bedroom. 

My wife is soooo LD and I don't believe she is ever "horny", so I think she may be out of her comfort zone. I am still trying to process this change. I LOVE being the responsive on for a change.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I don't believe it's borne out of insecurity or manipulation. It is often the desired dynamic of women because it is their SO's desire that turns them on and makes them want sex.


So wouldn't that mean though that all the sex is up to the man always being the one to approach and seduce the woman? What you say makes sense but it still seems unfair. What about my desire? For me I would be wondering why she always has to wait for me to do something if she likes sex too. A man wants a woman that's into him. If I was always the one approaching her for sex I definitely would not get that feeling. If she approaches me I would think, "I guess she likes sex with me." If she didn't approach I would think, "Well guess she can take or leave sex me." And if we had mind blowing sex where I made her shake, stutter, and her toes curl and she still never approached me? Or if I was being Alpha, Omega, Power Ranger, an X-Men or whatever these terms are that attract women? I would be thinking she is playing some kind of game. Because I would think she is trying to show me she doesn't need it and making me be the one approach her. And I would feel like her doing this would be her telling me she has some kind of control over me. And I would be really angry and resentful and she probably wouldn't have any idea what I was talking about. Then I would explain to her that I want to someone who wants me sexually. Then she'd say something like.....


"We always have sex"..and completely miss the point


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I didn't think about initiating when I answered the question. The desire question is different than "do you initiate sex?"

Some people might initiate sex, even without burning desire behind it. Possibly they just want to connect emotionally with their partner and they know once things get started, the desire will step into place.

In my marriage, we both initiate but it is not really a question of "will he/she be into it/me tonight?" The "into each other" is a given.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

FalconKing said:


> So wouldn't that mean though that all the sex is up to the man always being the one to approach and seduce the woman? What you say makes sense but it still seems unfair. What about my desire? For me I would be wondering why she always has to wait for me to do something if she likes sex too. A man wants a woman that's into him. If I was always the one approaching her for sex I definitely would not get that feeling. If she approaches me I would think, "I guess she likes sex with me." If she didn't approach I would think, "Well guess she can take or leave sex me." And if we had mind blowing sex where I made her shake, stutter, and her toes curl and she still never approached me? Or if I was being Alpha, Omega, Power Ranger, an X-Men or whatever these terms are that attract women? I would be thinking she is playing some kind of game. Because I would think she is trying to show me she doesn't need it and making me be the one approach her. And I would feel like her doing this would be her telling me she has some kind of control over me. And I would be really angry and resentful and she probably wouldn't have any idea what I was talking about. Then I would explain to her that I want to someone who wants me sexually. Then she'd say something like.....
> 
> 
> "We always have sex"..and completely miss the point




Thanks for this post FK... 

I've just penciled into my diary for tonight... 'Jump husband BEFORE he jumps me!' 

I'd hate for my H to think I don't desire him by my lack of initiating. I've always assumed he knows I want him BECAUSE I'm so responsive.

This thread has made me reconsider this line of thinking.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> Some people might initiate sex, even without burning desire behind it. Possibly they just want to connect emotionally with their partner and they know once things get started, the desire will step into place.
> 
> In my marriage, we both initiate but it is not really a question of "will he/she be into it/me tonight?" The "into each other" is a given.


THIS is also how we feel.... Every word....it's so much more about the emotional connection ...this too has it's "driving force". 

We've talked about it, we both prefer doing it almost every day - over waiting to built the "horny". Wish we were younger to feel more naturally Lusty though... as we get older, this will slip a little more & more. God Bless the "emotional" drive. 

Last night was one of those nights...I could have just as easy went to sleep...but he took the lead...I know had I said one word, we both would have just laid our heads to rest.... but I happily indulged ...cause deep down...I am so happy he desires me & our loving .... so we work it up, it's all pure Joy..... then the fireworks ...we always get there.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Thanks for this post FK...
> 
> I've just penciled into my diary for tonight... 'Jump husband BEFORE he jumps me!'
> 
> ...


Honestly though Waiwera, based on your post I have no doubt your husband knows how much you love him. Also, just as a person you seem like a lot of fun to be around. But go ahead! I'm sure he'd appreciate it


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> So wouldn't that mean though that all the sex is up to the man always being the one to approach and seduce the woman? What you say makes sense but it still seems unfair. What about my desire? For me I would be wondering why she always has to wait for me to do something if she likes sex too.


Responsive desire and initiating are just different preferences, IMO. Whilst we might _prefer _the former, it doesn't mean that we don't initiate.

I flirt with my partner all the time, and I'm very touchy feelie with him. There's never any waiting or wondering if either of us are are interested in sex. It's a given.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't have to initiate sex. I can't keep my hands off of him and I'm very touchy feelie so he KNOWS I desire him. He's quite clear on how interested I am in sex. Like Cosmos said it's a given.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I didn't think about initiating when I answered the question. The desire question is different than "do you initiate sex?"
> 
> Some people might initiate sex, even without burning desire behind it. Possibly they just want to connect emotionally with their partner and they know once things get started, the desire will step into place.
> 
> In my marriage, we both initiate but it is not really a question of "will he/she be into it/me tonight?" The "into each other" is a given.


I really like this perspective. I am one of the posters who mentioned that I don't initiate when I'm not in the mood, which really isn't that often. As twisted as it may sound, in my mind, I would feel like a fraud if I initiated during that time even though I am open to his advances. But part of the reason I am open to him is because of the connection that takes place. I still end up getting aroused and in the mood by the time it gets started. I can't remember a time when I was completely closed off to sex.

Anyway, your post just made me think a little.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I've read this time, and time, again, that women are sexually responsive beings, contingent on the initiation of another sexual party in order to ignite desire.


Couldn't POSSIBLY be true (in general).

If this were SO, then single/divorced/widowed women would NEVER by vibrators, dildoes or other toys! And if they already owned them, they wouldn't buy more batteries!

But we know they DO, and WILL, and HAVE, and ARE.


.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Couldn't POSSIBLY be true (in general).
> 
> If this were SO, then single/divorced/widowed women would NEVER by vibrators, dildoes or other toys! And if they already owned them, they wouldn't buy more batteries!
> 
> ...


Yep. Sounds like one of those myths many men need to believe in order to cope with their wives' lack of sexual interest in them.

Because this thread was made after reading a couple posts recently from guys, here on TAM, who stated that women (in general) have responsive desire. And from what I can tell, a lot of men here feel that way, and take it as a biological fact (and it has, indeed, been stated as a such).


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Is this from the moronic Alpha horde (they're like the Mongrel horde only THEY ride hobby horses) and instead of Genghis Khan, they're leader is A---?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

SGW I wouldn't think it's the Alpha talk on this one. I think it's more of men who have been sexually frustrated and subscribe to the school of thought that it will be all up to them to have a sexually fulfilling marriage. Sadly some men don't want to accept the realization that their wife just may not be that into them sexually. It's just easier for them to say that their wives don't have much interest in sex in general. That way they can avoid the hard questions. It's always a prelude to a bigger issue.

It bugs me when those guys say that besides the sex issue the marriage is perfect. So besides the fact that she has little interest in you sexually, the marriage is good? That sounds like someone defeated who wishes things will get better but accepts things as they are now.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Well I seduced my man on sat night, dragged him off to bed, played with him until we were both satisfied...he asked several times if it was his birthday or some other anniversary  

He behaved unusually though...waaaay more submissive than normal...just kinda lay there like a star fish and let me do my wicked worst to him ( he's normally very active and physical during sex). It seemed that me initiating and being more aggressive give him the mental 'ok' to relax and be pleasured. Normally if i'm giving him a HJ or BJ he want to be looking at me or touching me...but this time he was all about himself...which was very cool! But also very 'not like him'. It kinda threw me....

Told me I was THE best wife afterwards. He was super affectionate the next morning...very smoochy!

It was fun and I'll do it again BUT I still prefer him to do the initiating, _most_ of the time. Must say it did make me remember how much effort my H puts into our sex life... we have sex 3-4 times most weeks...that's a lot of initiating he does!

I did ask him if he ever questions my desire for him and no, he knows I've got the permanent hots for him but he CLEARLY loved being the one being chased and seduced... made me realize how rarely i do this.

Most of all... i like that we can both surprise each other after nearly 26 years together!


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Well I seduced my man on sat night, dragged him off to bed, played with him until we were both satisfied...he asked several times if it was his birthday or some other anniversary
> 
> He behaved unusually though...waaaay more submissive than normal...just kinda lay there like a star fish and let me do my wicked worst to him ( he's normally very active and physical during sex). * It seemed that me initiating and being more aggressive give him the mental 'ok' to relax and be pleasured. * Normally if i'm giving him a HJ or BJ he want to be looking at me or touching me...but this time he was all about himself...which was very cool! But also very 'not like him'. It kinda threw me....
> 
> ...


Bravo ma'am

I also liked how appreciative your husband was to you. The first part I highlighted I think is something I think some men would like every now and then. Just the chance for it to be about them. It's something a think a lot of women experience often when the man seduces them and takes control sexually. They can let themselves go, relax and just be pleasured. 

Sometimes we like that too!

For the second part. For those who usually are the initiator I think they would sometimes like the other spouse to understand and appreciate their efforts. 

Maybe it's like being a passenger and a driver. The destination is a place you both want to go and the ride is enjoyable. But sometimes the passenger could offer to drive. The driver sometimes would maybe just like the chance to let you handle it while they listen to some nice music on the radio and zone out looking out the window. The desired destination would still be the same Hope that makes sense.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Told me I was THE best wife afterwards.


He didn't tell you, "Good job." did he?  

(JK)



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> He didn't tell you, "Good job." did he?
> 
> (JK)
> 
> ...


That made me LOL for real!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> He didn't tell you, "Good job." did he?
> 
> (JK)
> 
> ...


LOL!

Not this time!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Well I seduced my man on sat night, dragged him off to bed, played with him until we were both satisfied...he asked several times if it was his birthday or some other anniversary
> 
> He behaved unusually though...waaaay more submissive than normal...just kinda lay there like a star fish and let me do my wicked worst to him ( he's normally very active and physical during sex). It seemed that me initiating and being more aggressive give him the mental 'ok' to relax and be pleasured. Normally if i'm giving him a HJ or BJ he want to be looking at me or touching me...but this time he was all about himself...which was very cool! But also very 'not like him'. It kinda threw me....
> 
> ...


My wife and I had a very similar night on Saturday too. She's usually very good at initiating, we're about half and half, and knows that it's very important to me that we both do it. But when she's suffering through self esteem issues, which have hit her much later than they do most people, it becomes an issue. She still wants it as much, but she's more timid in bed, and initiates less.

Well recently she's been feeling more like her old self, and on Sat she just took the lead. We ended up making love for hours, and having some of the best sex of our lives. I'd been wondering why our sex life was more "good" lately, but not great. It's because part of her was reserved, and she wasn't the usual tiger she is when she initiates. 

Most men are trained to believe that they are suppose to do the majority, of not all, of the initiating. And women get the same bad training.

But I do believe a lot of women have ZERO idea how hot it is to so many men when they initiate, and get a bit more aggressive, and dominant. As odd as this might sound to some, we do like to be "taken" sometimes too. And to feel safe that we can be submissive sometimes, and let our wives initiate the sex, and become the leads.

And sometimes it's even fun, and full of sexual energy, to mix it all up in the same session, and vie for power.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Not only. But I know myself and there are certain men I won't let near me unless it's in public. Dang it.

I'm signing myself up for a weekend seminar about sexuality offered at a Quaker retreat center. I had no idea that there was a council on sexuality within my faith. Some people came today from the regional office as they were visiting and they left a brochure. I don't really have time to go, but I also don't have time not to go. It's obvious I need something like this. :-o


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

To be honest Jaquen I think I've just gotten a bit lazy.
I used to be more aggressive sexually but I guess lately H has been doing most of the work.... and I've been letting him.

I was amazed at how into being taken care of he was. I kept expecting him to stop me and kinda take over and give me a good pounding... rather he made it clear I could carry on with the HJ or BJ...either was fine... I could tell... cause he was just lying there spread eagled and smiling! (usually, for us, a HJ or BJ is a prelude to PIV unless it's a quickie BJ or I have my period) 

This thread has reminded me about the difference (from hubbys perspective) between initiating sex and being responsive. I just figured me being responsive was good enough... My H's response and posts on here have shown me different!

Days like this i just love TAM!


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## mothugsta (Feb 22, 2013)

I LOVE and have mad it clear that I want her to initiate more. And I don't need her to drag me to bed, and derobe me to do that. I simple hint. A text. A whisper consisting of 3 words. Is all I need to know I have the green light to make it happen!! Sometimes I think she feels like she needs to plan it, wear something sexy, kiss me the right way, or silently determine to herself as to whether I look too tired to have sex before starting it.... Um no. Honey, all you have to do it shut the tv off, and roll on top of me. Trust me, Ill take it from there.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

this is a nice thread thanks to Jaquen for starting it lots of fun & truth here & future wives please pay atention to what the guys are saying even alpha guys want to be desired it is the hottest thing Ladies you know that about yourself already

Have Fun Always


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Slowly Getting Wiser said: "Couldn't POSSIBLY be true (in general).

If this were SO, then single/divorced/widowed women would NEVER by vibrators, dildoes or other toys! And if they already owned them, they wouldn't buy more batteries!

But we know they DO, and WILL, and HAVE, and ARE."


- - - - - - 

My perspective: Wanting to have an O via vibrator (or by hand) is not the same as wanting to get my brains f*cked out by a man. If I have that niggling feeling of wanting an O and simply, only an O, I will not get lubricated by that desire to have one.

OTOH, when I am sitting at work thinking all day about how I want my H to bang my head against the wall, by the time I get home and rush in the house to jump him (already knowing he will be all over it), then I do get lubricated by that desire, before he even touches me.

There is no comparison between these two types of desire.


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