# Trust the Gut if You Suspect Infidelity



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

From reading this forum, and looking at the people who have gone to the trouble to create a user name and register - it appears that the gut is right 99/100 times.

The gut, spider sense, or that intangible sense of unease may not lead to the specifics etc, but seems to be a very accurate indicator that something is amiss.

Barring having been diagnosed with some sort of mental illness, all the anecdotal evidence seems to validate the "gut".

If we have any statisticians in the house it would be interesting to break down the stories for commonalities, patterns, etc.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I would tend to agree with you to a point. But after having also been on here since July, and having read many many threads, some of the gut stuff is really people finally accepting MAJOR red flags that were there all the time.

For example, so many of the threads talk about a WW who was consistently engaging in girls nights out, getting home at all hours, even though they had kids, and the husband just accepting this. So he finally wises up. Is that GUT ?

OR the biggest TAM one by far : My H/W is constant texting at all hours of the day and night, guards their phone like a winning lottery ticket, has a secret password on it, and the spouse finally "gets it". Is that GUT Felling ?

Granted, there are threads here were the cheater was really crafty about hiding things, even continued a normal sex life / family life with their betrayed spouse, and it did indeed take a GUT feeling to catch them. (which BTW are the ones that I truly feel for from the bottom of my heart, as that level of betrayal is just disgusting)

And then of course there are those threads that you want to reach through the computer and shake the BS HARD. Its the "Oh I forgot to mention that my wife and haven't had sex in x number of YEARS ! YEARS ! not days, not weeks, not months, YEARS ! Really ? and She was cheating on you ? And your now surprised ? 

BTW, If I do eventually find out that my W is/was cheating, I am going to be one of those cases that I feel for the most, as everything (including sex) has been good to great, but my GUT has been talking to me since about July '12. I'm grateful for TAM because its opened my eyes. I have followed a lot of advice given other people, and for every check I do (cell phone, VAR in the car, etc) that comes up clean, there will be that little nagging GUT thing that keeps coming up. Married almost 20 years BTW. 

So I am here to try to help others, and gain help myself. Sorry for the kinda thread jack there at the end. LOL


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

I think the gut comes to play after the red flags. The red flags clue us in that not all is right in Disney Land. Then the WS lies and denies. Yet the gut is screaming at us because somehow, regardless of the pleadings, we just know what we know. It's detecting differences, subtle nuances because you know your spouse, noticing demeanor when they lie and comparing it in other situations. It's knowing someone so intimately that you know when the park's closing...forever. That's the gut.

I would like to see some statistics. Perhaps if people can condense their stories here and provide the outcome we can run stats.

Like...suspected spouse...spouse lied...my gut was screaming...found the truth...this is what happened. There is another thread on here that discusses the truth and the lie. That could possibly be used to draw stats. Granted the results wont be statistically significant because this is an infidelity forum. Other forums might have different results (no infidelity).


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I understand the gut feeling thing but for a lot of stories on here it seems like a piano had to fall on the person's head.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I understand the gut feeling thing but for a lot of stories on here it seems like a piano had to fall on the person's head.


You never want the worst to happen...


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

For me my "gut" is probably really stringing those little unanswered questions together until they start to bother you and then, once discovery of infidelity has been made thinking, of course, I should have known what was going on. I just knew something wasn't quite right. 

When my H tells me he doesn't know what a new aol emaill address that pops up in his gmail is and he claims it is not his although it has part of his name in it, I get curious. When a picture-not a photograph- but a graphic art piece of two lovers entwined, was sent from his gmail to his aol mail or vice versa, etc and he claims he doesn't know how it got there and then tells me he was just looking at it in email on his phone, I get curious.

My H remembers everything, so when he tells me something like this one month and something else the next month, I started to get a twinge. When he tells me the one call I see of his ex OW shows up on his phone 8 months later and he tells me it was one of maybe 8-10 calls, just to see how she was doing, I know to dig further and I find texts, calls etc., hundreds of them. 

I am not that fast at this though, finally putting it together. It tooks me 3 months or so the last time and 4 months this time to get to that point. Probably because I thought we were doing so well as a couple again, I really wasn't looking for trouble. He still claims it was mostly a friendship thing this time, they really like each other as people (blah, blah, blah) and both times were EAs, all online/phone/texting/sexting, no PA as she is 1000 miles away, so not as many things for me to notice, I guess.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

One of the things, I hoped by posting this is if someone is lurking here or just reading, and thinking man I have the doubts, and these undefined suspicions - that you may be very right to pursue them!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I do think your gut tells you, but the reality is so painful we trick ourselves to not see what's in front of us. Plus our blind trust in our spouse. How many times have you read:
She/ he would never cheat. Their dad cheated so they hate cheaters, WS is a strong Christian/religious person, WS is perfect, how dare you suggest they are cheating, you don't know them you don't know what we have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

May I add that the cheater does not help by acting indignant and angry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My gut told me a lot of things but of course I had denial and a great sex life, smiles and so on. Later I learned a lot of that was transferrance from her "high" of contact with OM. I would see little things, sense little things, hear stuff once in a while that didn't add up (her little stories about how that relationship had gone wrong, but the 'replacement' stories didn't add up) (replacement = real story vs. insert something else that may have possibly happened instead, that doesn't include OM) so there was a lot of gut sense. When I finally said "You're still in love with ___!" she dismissed it and immediately went on the attack. I've caught her in lies about it since DDay even, although I do know for sure they are over with. My gut tells me some of her lies were to protect my feelings... Don't protect my feelings b1tch, just tell me the truth so I can process it. 

Anyway, "gut" has a lot to do with putting together small contradictions of things you know about this person's behavior patterns and personality, and things that they tell you happened, that don't add up. I think in those cases "gut" is a lot mental, but gives you that sinking feeling inside when you come to conclusions that something ain't right.... Sometimes inside my head I think nonverbally -- shapes and patterns -- that's "gut" thinking, to me. Once I have all the pieces together and verbalize it, that's when the pain starts.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I agree. My gut told me the truth while she lied to my face. I believed her, and after 13 years of trust, why wouldn't I? That blind trust for her allowed the affair to occur in the first place, allowed it to continue and intensify for a few weeks, but my gut helped me stop it.

If you suspect something... listen to your gut, follow up on it, gather information, verify you're being told the truth. Even someone you trust completely will lie to protect themselves and their fantasy world, but your gut's always looking out for you.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I had no clue initially, until he got careless. He would disappear off to the kitchen, taking the dirty coffee cups through or something, and spend just a few minutes longer than such a thing would normally take.

I started to try to catch him out and finally did catch him texting someone and quickly hiding his phone when he saw I'd seen.

When confronted on that he admitted texting a woman but swore up and down that was all it was. This was November last year.

I believed him - on the surface - because if there is no trust in a relationship what is there left? I wanted to believe him.

But the whole time after that my gut was screaming at me that he was lying, that it wasn't just texting. It took me till March this year to finally find out the truth. Of course it wasn't just texting. They were having a PA. Even now I'm not entirely convinced I have the whole truth.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I felt it... down low, eating at me. All the classic signs, the wait loss, the GNO, new friends, all new sexy clothing. Our sex life sex had become nothing more than a chore for her. Yeah, I felt it, even said it to myself. 

Finally, like a fool, I confronted without any hard proof. I believed her denials, her tears flowing that I would think that of her. It was duped for years. She knew how to play me (keep me happy), that's really sick when I think back on it. 

30 minutes searching Google for the signs and how to find the truth would of saved me years of betrayal and pain. Yes, trust your Gut, but do not confront without doing your homework.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Pfft.

I've seen people post lots of times that their partner suspects them of having an affair when they're completely innocent.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

northland said:


> Pfft.
> 
> I've seen people post lots of times that their partner suspects them of having an affair when they're completely innocent.


That's true. When we got married my H was VERY insecure. Even on our honeymoon. We had had an argument. He was getting a sulk on about me taking my time looking round the Colosseum. I asked him what the problem was and he said he was bored. I was unhappy - up until then we had had a wonderful time - and I told him he was spoiling my enjoyment of it.

When we got back to the hotel room I said I was going to go for a walk. He can create a nasty atmosphere when he's annoyed and I didn't want to be stuck with him in a small room.

He said "Well, that didn't take you long to go out and find some Italian to fvck!"

That wasn't the last time he accused me of having an affair, when I never did.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

northland said:


> Pfft.
> 
> I've seen people post lots of times that their partner suspects them of having an affair when they're completely innocent.


Or it could be inappropriate behavior that could lead to an affair.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Or it could be inappropriate behavior that could lead to an affair.


Certainly in my case, I never wanted an A, I never intended to have an A - I had found the man I wanted to be with forever and I loved my husband 100% totally. Every time he showed how much he didn't trust me it tore me up inside. I did NOTHING to deserve his accusations.

Even now, even after he has, I don't think I could, if I wanted to.

Nine days after D-day when as far as I was concerned we were over and getting a D, I went out with my best friend. I got plenty of attention, I danced with another man and I kissed another man. Do you know what? I felt physically sick. I felt nothing, no pleasure, nothing except disgust. I felt as though I were betraying him, even though he had betrayed me in the worst way and we were getting divorced.

I hated myself.

I don't know how he could do it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'll stick with objective evidence thanks.

My "gut" can't even figure out what it wants for lunch.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

whataboutthis - I believe you are correct.

On the gut I think people whom loss sight of being open, honest, and communicating fully with their spouse fall victim to allowing these situations to come up. I realize that this is not always the case as some people are professional liars, whom have many generations of training in the art of deception and treachery. But in all I believe our "gut" or our own instincts can allow us to clue into things that we need to know about. 



Robsia said:


> Every time he showed how much he didn't trust me it tore me up inside. I did NOTHING to deserve his accusations.
> I hated myself.
> I don't know how he could do it.


You are now coming out and seeing the accusations for the red flags that they were... You need to finish this fully to finallize the divorce, then start to look for open, honest, and healthy connections (COMMUNICATION) as fundamentals upon building ANY relationship. Sorry you are in the CWI club, truly not one I ever want to belong to. Good luck!


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Yes, definitely have hard evidence, pictures, texts or at least the detailed phone/message bill printed out. Otherwise they deny or admit a little bit to see what you will buy, just enough to keep you around. 

Once mine admitted to 8-10 calls I found 28 calls on the current bill and then going back in the history of the billing as far as I could , hundreds of texts and calls. Her #. I printed those out and told him I could no longer believe anything he told me since I could not go back any further on the messages, their main form of communication.

He understands he blew it, that I should now have full access to everything, and, as far as I know, I do, but I still have a VAR in his car. Unfortunately he does not drive that car all the time and I can't put one in his work car because it gets used by others and would be tricky, so, I watch, and wait and I do not feel guilty about it as I might have in the past when I wanted to believe him.

It does feel good to be more in charge of my life now. He does not get to call the shots on us, what we do, where we go etc. He knows better than to argue. I am not being a b****, we are getting along very well, it's just on my terms now, not his, and will be for a while. 

We are making an effort to do more fun things and have just booked a trip to St Lucia this winter, my idea, something to look forward to. He knows this time is his last chance for us


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

My gut has never wronged me, so far. but I have always been very intuitive.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> I think the gut comes to play after the red flags. The red flags clue us in that not all is right in Disney Land. Then the WS lies and denies. Yet the gut is screaming at us because somehow, regardless of the pleadings, we just know what we know. It's detecting differences, subtle nuances because you know your spouse, noticing demeanor when they lie and comparing it in other situations. It's knowing someone so intimately that you know when the park's closing...forever. That's the gut.
> 
> I would like to see some statistics. Perhaps if people can condense their stories here and provide the outcome we can run stats.
> 
> *Like...suspected spouse...spouse lied...my gut was screaming...found the truth...*this is what happened. There is another thread on here that discusses the truth and the lie. That could possibly be used to draw stats. Granted the results wont be statistically significant because this is an infidelity forum. Other forums might have different results (no infidelity).


This is basically what happened to me. Suspicion, which initially I put to one side as thought 'no way, he wouldn't cheat on me' then the niggle got louder.

I picked up his phone to have a sneaky peek, and i must add, he never hid it from me, never locked his laptop or emails, I had access to everything and could have looked any time...but never did. Because I trusted him.

So I picked up his phone, after a girly conversation in work......'all men cheat given the opportunity', it was almost like a little test, because I could have bet my life that my man would never cheat on me.....and to my horror the first female name i came across was an inappropriate e-mail! I almost vomited!

That was in May, and my female intuition would not let it drop. I searched until i found, and our lives will never be the same again.


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