# Monogamy, Why..........



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

My WW has decided to reconcile. She is reading about infidelity, marriage, etc...

I am looking for info about why some (most actually) people choose monogamy and stick to it. That's where she failed.

Being monogam or polygam is not about how high our sexual drive is or about denying our sexual nature. It is a conciensous choice (well at least for monogams) and monogamy is not chosing a sexless life at all. 

I remember reading some well versed accounts of people talking about what monogamy, marriage, long term relation is about. Zanna had a good description of what a marriage is but I can't find it now.

What is succesful marriage, growing together, love in a more deeper level, successfull bonding, monogamy.

Give me your thougths or links to good thoughts.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I'm monogamous because I like to be. I have committed myself to one person and that's that.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

This discussion will probably revolve around the nature/nurture argument. For me, I lived w/ the pain and destruction that both my parents created in their infidelities. I would never want to visit that on another. Enough said.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

To me someone choosing not to be monogamous with me is them saying to me that I'm just not enough for them.

To that I say, well then I won't waste any more of my time with you.

You can't be in the army and the marines.

It's also about priority and loyalty. It's entirely about giving yourself to the other person entirely. When others are involved you aren't giving yourself - your giving a part, and telling the receiver that's all they get.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I do think that some people are simply incapable of being monogamous. They should be honest and not deceive anyone, but there is enormous pressure to be in a 'normal' relationship. If we were all more open and honest we might save ourselves a lot of pain and suffering.

What are you looking to read? Books in support of monogamy?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> My WW has decided to reconcile. She is reading about infidelity, marriage, etc...
> 
> I am looking for info about why some (most actually) people choose monogamy and stick to it. That's where she failed.
> 
> ...


I agree with shaggy's post. 

Monogamy is always a choice. It is obviously not natural for humans to be monogamous and that is what makes it all the more special. 

There is no need to marry today, if one wants to play the field. 

Single people can still have children or adopt.

I think people who cheat have character flaws and sense of entitlement and are without a doubt selfish and immature.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You really need to explain this to your wife?


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> There is no need to marry today, if one wants to play the field.
> 
> 
> I think people who cheat have character flaws and sense of entitlement and are without a doubt selfish and immature.


In my H's case, he says that his previous marriage was a mere "friendship", and he didn't actually love her ( his reason for cheating?),, he says he married so he had someone help raise his kids, and he was planned on divorcing when the youngest graduated hs... ( this was all told to me, AFTER I found out he cheated on me)...
I don't believe him that he didn't at least love her at the beginning,,, or is he so flawed that he only marries to have someone take care of him (while he feels entitled to cheat)? And when that person has served their purpose or as in his previous marriage, she found out about his cheating, he was quick to move on,, ( naively to me).... 

Does this type of person have a conscience enough to be monogamous?


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Monogamy is choosing to be with a person for the rest of your life. No matter the money problems, the kids, the death of family members, sickness. It is being together through riches, health and in general great times. It is also being in the same room with neither a high nor low times. Just getting by. It is turning to someone who has your best interest at heart, but will call you out on your crap. It is being picked, rather than born into love. It is pulling your weight and giving more than you get. You don't keep get to keep score.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> In my H's case, he says that his previous marriage was a mere "friendship", and he didn't actually love her ( his reason for cheating?),, he says he married so he had someone help raise his kids, and he was planned on divorcing when the youngest graduated hs... ( this was all told to me, AFTER I found out he cheated on me)...
> I don't believe him that he didn't at least love her at the beginning,,, or is he so flawed that he only marries to have someone take care of him (while he feels entitled to cheat)? And when that person has served their purpose or as in his previous marriage, she found out about his cheating, he was quick to move on,, ( naively to me)....
> 
> Does this type of person have a conscience enough to be monogamous?



Sorry to hear this. 

You might want to research personality disorders. 

If you spouse had Narcissistic personality disorder or some type of psychopathy, then no h does not have a conscience. 

They can even see that they do not feel emotions like normal people do on brain scans. 

They have a predatory almost reptilian survivor mentality. Sort of like a shark or an alligator.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

For me by definition marriage is monogamous. It is a partnership where both parties are all in. Sex is inseparable for me from marriage. 

Therefore in my view polygamy is not part of a marriage but part of a non-marriage.

Every marriage has some degree of openess. Meaning we live in the gray between being locked away and being in an open marriage. This comes down to boundaries as they relate to the opposite sex. This includes but is not limited to friends. It relates to all interactions. Many people define boundaries that define their concept of monogamy.

On a personal level I have way too much self esteem to not be my wifes exclusive sexual partner. I do not have to settle for anything less. I choose not to. The thought of sharing my wife with any man in this way actually makes me sick to my stomach.

I do not agree that being monogamous is totally against our sexual nature. I get that men want to repopulate the world and women want the fittest male. However, that is only one part of the equation. Of the Yin and Yang. It is very much in the nature of a man to kill off any poachers for example. It is well within a woman's nature to bond with a man to raise children. 

Yes these are competing agendas from one point of view however as most things in life seemingly contradictory aspects can not only co-exist but must exist in opposition for stabilty and survival. It is not that one view is prevalent. It is that all views are required.

We have people today that suggest those folks with I think positive qualities are jealous, insecure and controlling when it comes to more open behavior by their spouse. When they are really loving, thoughtful people with proper self esteem. So indeed society is working against the natural order of things by labeling positive actions in the negative to fit some other agenda. Indeed this is darwinian in that the weak minded will be convinced to suppress their protective instincts that help balance things out. So too there are the weak minded who look towards an excuse to selfishly indulge themselves. Certainly they have the freedom to do so. But there is always a cost.


----------



## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Interestingly, I am an atheist, my wife professes a Christian faith. A friend asked me how I could make marriage vows with my faith. I told him it was my affirmation to myself that I would honor the faith based vows.

When confronted with a chance to cheat. I held true and didn't falter. Whe she was confronted she gave in, more than once to the guy.

IMHO, monogamy is a personal choice to be with a person for the duration of the marriage. You make the commitment, live up to it. If you feel you can't, you get out before you do.

I too saw my mom do this to my dad and swore I would never do that to my spouse and kids. Bottom line is there are so many reasons a marraige can fail, why in the world would you give up the good things for sex with another person?

It's just stupid...


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I do think that some people are simply incapable of being monogamous....but there is enormous pressure to be in a 'normal' relationship.


I agree. Although I think I hold pretty traditional values when it comes to monogamy and commitment, I see no problem with someone who chooses to play the field if they do so honestly and stay single. I do see what you’re saying about the pressure though – but still, people should do what’s right for them and not always follow the herd. Especially if that means that they won’t hurt/betray someone in the future via infidelity.



Sara8 said:


> Numb in Ohio said:
> 
> 
> > In my H's case...or is he so flawed that he only marries to have someone take care of him (while he feels entitled to cheat)? And when that person has served their purpose or as in his previous marriage, she found out about his cheating, he was quick to move on,, ( naively to me).... Does this type of person have a conscience enough to be monogamous?
> ...


Yikes! I second that opinion. It’s in a narcissist’s nature to “destroy and discard.” 



Zak68 said:


> Interestingly, I am an atheist, my wife professes a Christian faith... When confronted with a chance to cheat. I held true and didn't falter. Whe she was confronted she gave in, more than once to the guy.
> 
> IMHO, monogamy is a personal choice to be with a person for the duration of the marriage. You make the commitment, live up to it. If you feel you can't, you get out before you do.


It’s like me and my WS but in reverse. I’m not religious, he’s Catholic. I’m loyal, he’s a cheat. Go figure.


----------

