# What are the next steps?



## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

Hi everyone,

New member here and hoping you guys can provide some advice on what are my next steps.

To give you a summary of my life story, I was married in 20's, marriage ended in my early 30's. We were together for 11 years and husband completely blind sighted me with literally coming home one night (valentines day), asking for a divorce and leaving the very next day to never return. During his exit, he said some incredible mean and awful things, told me he never wanted to get married, but pitied me, really gas-lite everything to the point it was just incomprehensible and left me devastated. It eventually came out that he was having "lunch" with a new friend, but they were "just friends" and that wasn't why he was leaving. He was unhappy for a very long time but never told anyone. During our marriage, I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was just me. I tried communicating during the marriage but he would either reassure me that everything was fine or he would get highly offended that I would say something was wrong. 

It took me a really good 2 long years before I could even think of moving on. I beat myself up, did a lot of self evaluation, made tremendous progress on myself, and finally realized that him leaving me was the best thing that could have ever happened. I wasn't ready for marriage, I wasn't happy, I was highly depressed and insecure, we lacked intimacy, I was too dependent on him and there was a LOT I needed to work on. Irregardless of how he handled our marriage, I took something positive from it by improving my life tremendously. It was a really big growth experience.

Two years after my divorce, I met my recently ex-boyfriend. He was really a breath of fresh air and our relationship was really really good. He was everything I really needed. He treated me well and with respect. Did all the little things I needed from a partner. Of course, I was not delusional, I could see his "faults", never put him too high on a pedestal, and was accepting him for being human. It was nice to see he wasn't perfect and I didn't feel like I needed to be perfect, something I constantly felt throughout my marriage. Our love was definitely different than my marriage. With my exh, there was instant insane chemistry, love at first sight, which I believe led me to be blinded to a lot of things. With my boyfriend, although there was strong chemistry, it wasn't "love at first sigh". We were friends for a year before we started dating and I reasoned our love to be more "mature" love. I could see his faults but I was willing to accept them because I believe our relationship was really good, based on mutual respect and love for one another.

Taking lessons from my failed marriage, I really worked hard on this relationship. I was still carrying some baggage from my divorce but he was extremely supportive and seemed understanding. I wasn't in a rush to get married or live together and he seemed ok with that. In fact, our lives seemed too busy that although we'd talk daily, we'd only see one another once a week. I worked hard to keep the intimacy going, still having great sex (his words), and tried to keep the communication open. We've been together for about 6 years. During this time, I started to want more and more from our relationship and would ask to see him more than once a week, but he constantly fed me one reason after another, typically about work and family obligations throughout the week and not having enough free time, which I honestly believed were true. But I could start to see the more and more I wanted, the further and further he pulled away.

About a year ago, I found out that he was starting to see a mutual friend of ours behind my back. We met her through a shared hobby and group of friends, in fact that's how we all met. About a year ago, she got him a job at his current location. It started out as a "thank you" lunch, then it started to become more secretive lunches behind my back, and then he would invite her to hang out with us, and then she'd send him secretive messages in disguise of organizing events for the three of us. Having already suffered the "just friends having lunch" before, I was extremely nervous about the secretive friendship that was developing. I didn't mind so much about them hanging out but more that he was keeping their communication a secret from me. Only letting me know after the fact. It was a HUGE red flag to me but I didn't know how to handle the situation. I tried to keep my insecurities in check. I never yelled or nagged at him. I simply asked him to please be careful and to please don't leave me out of the loop on the communication between the two of them. Of course, this did not stop.

Last month, it got really really bad between us. We didn't fight but he pulled even further away. He wanted to stop all daily communication on the phone, except for IM's during the day, in disguise that he "hates talking on the phone". Our relationship was becoming stagnant and I was desperately trying to find solutions. I gave him his space and we only saw each other 4 times last month and did not speak during the week. I was completely devastated and was crying almost daily, but I tried to not show him this. I tried to be supportive and understanding he needed his space. When we did see each other, we were still intimate and the sex was great (his words), but things definitely were off. 

Two weekends ago, when we were together, our group of friends were organizing an event for this past weekend. I asked him if he wanted to go as it was a yearly event and we always went. He said he didn't want to go this year as it always rained out and he also had to do another event the next day for his other friend. I was completely understanding. We didn't talk on the phone throughout the week, but he always initiated contact throughout the day over IM. On friday, he told me we were going to go on Saturday and she was coming with us. I told him I wish he had talked to me about it first. He then abruptly said "plans can be canceled, I'll cancel them". Now, in the beginning of our relationship he ALWAYS consulted me first before making any plans for us, and now he was no longer doing that. I told him he didn't need to cancel the plans, but I'm disappointed that we're not communicating properly. He said "Plans are canceled" and got off line.

After work, when I got home, I called him up. I asked if he wanted to talk about what happened and he said "No. I'm going to stay home this weekend and I'll see you in a few days" (We were starting our vacation this week). I told him "Ok, I really think we should talk. I think you should come over here". At this point, I was done. I wasn't angry. I wasn't seeking revenge. I simply was done with him pulling away and me trying desperately to keep us together. So he came over and we broke up. He acknowledged that he has been pulling away for a while now and said if we couldn't get our act together in 6 years, it probably wasn't meant to be. He said I worked really really hard on our relationship and there was nothing I could have done differently. I asked him if he was still physically attracted to me (something my husband no longer felt), he said "Yes". I asked him if he still loved me? Yes. I said in a brother/sister kind of love? No (something my exh did feel for me). I asked but you don't see me as "the one"? No, but you are pretty close! Then he asked me "Am I ever going to talk to you again? You've been in my life for 6 years! It's my longest relationship!", he knows I don't believe in keeping touch with ex's. All I could say was "I don't know" and then started bawling. He said "I'll give you a call in a few days to check up on you" and he left. This was this past Friday. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I suspect he will make contact tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.

I do have to say that, unless I'm in denial, this is a lot less painful than my divorce. Don't get me wrong. I'm crying a lot. But not nearly as much as when my exh left me. I'm also trying to stay as busy as humanely possible. I have the following two weeks off from work, so I'm home alone. I know during my divorce, I only started healing when I started being really active and getting out and meeting people and making new friends. So I'm actively trying to do that. Perhaps I'm over compensating, but I'm faking it till I make it.

Any advice? What do I do when/if he makes contact? Should I answer? Not answer? Should I delete him from facebook? Do I delete her from facebook? Do I tell our mutual friends the WHOLE story? Do I implement complete NO CONTACT?

During my divorce, I kept my exh affair secret from his side of the friends. I felt ashamed. I had hope that if I kept it quiet, he would come back. He never did, and has been with her for 8 years and has two kids. Some "lunch"! It ate me up inside for a really really long time. And the few people I did tell, underestimated "lunch". They didn't see it as serious as I did.

I really don't know if I want him back. Part of me does. Part of me is relieved it's over. What I do want to know is what I did wrong. In my marriage, I took some really valuable life lessons away and made tremendous changes in my life. I'm trying really really hard to find what I did wrong and what I can learn from this relationship. I really honestly believe I did everything I possibly could. I listened. I worked hard. I kept fighting for us, even when he stopped. I don't want to repeat this again, so I really want to learn SOMETHING from all of this. But I don't know what I did wrong.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

I don't know that you did anything "wrong" and, by definition almost, your story will not portray whatever "it" is as it is entirely from your perspective.

From your story, you did nothing wrong but it does sound like your boyfriend was cheating - or had decided to.

It is quite likely that you would meet another cheater after the first for all sorts of reasons (I don't mean more likely than not, just likely).

You sound thoughtful, kind, respectful, intelligent and lots of other good things.

Cheating isn't ever right and I can say that for sure. As far as where you went "wrong" - I rather doubt that you did but it would be wrong of me to imply that I could answer that in any meaningful way.

I read all of your story - it was an "easy", if painful, read.

Please keep posting.

edit:

As to what you should do - it sounds like you should be firmer with your BF and call him out on what looks like cheating.

I suspect he will just walk away if you do that, but at least you will have either an honest relationship, or an honest breakup.

I feel for you.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Fearless said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> New member here and hoping you guys can provide some advice on what are my next steps.
> 
> ...


Some (especially men) are just not mature enough for marriage. You were together for a long time, now he wants to feel free. This is not your fault. It sounds to me like he is the one missing a great opportunity. Many here would die for a woman that would fight for the relationship. You will be honored and cherished for who you are. Do not let your value be up to him. Know you are great, own it, move on and you will be fine. If he calls for your birthday tell him to lose your number, you deserve better.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

With 6 years invested in the relationship, I can understand how you feel. But he was giving you all the indications that he was looking at other options. You just didn't want to accept them. Glad you finally have.

Was he cheating? Probably. The red flags are there. That's assuming the two of you had agreed to an exclusive relationship.

Reading between the lines, it looks like your last question about allowing him to contact you again, is more of "should I give up on the relationship". From everything you describe, the answer to that question is yes.

For most people in this situation, continuing contact would just delay the closure needed to move on with their life. Give him a polite goodbye, but tell him the truth. Then cut off contact. 

You're young and I'm sure you'll find the right person - somewhere out there. Wish you the best.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I also think that he was already cheating or was poised to. He was definitely detaching from you and attaching to her. I think you did the right thing. Please don't believe that this says anything critical about you. Some things are not meant to be.


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your supportive messages! I really appreciate them.



Chris989 said:


> Hi,
> It is quite likely that you would meet another cheater after the first for all sorts of reasons (I don't mean more likely than not, just likely).


I'm curious why you would say this? 

I'm trying to see if there is a pattern with the type of men I am attracted too. I honestly thought both my husband and boyfriend were really really different types of men. My husband was not very affectionate, I believe he thought he was better than me and needed to improve me. I thought he was better than me and allowed him too. It destroyed my self esteem and I was depressed for years. My boyfriend accepted me with all my baggage. He never tried to improve me. He was tremendously patient. It was a very comfortable relationship. He was still affectionate and we still held hands. When I was married, my friends would tell me that my husband was a really nice guy. After the divorce, they said he was a little bit full of himself and needed to grow up. These same friends told me that my boyfriend was a really good man and really good for me!

I do think both men were good people when I started dating them, my ex-boyfriend more so than my ex-husband. I do believe they both left me before anything physical happened, but neither of them are willing to admit their emotional attachment to these women or how that affects our relationship. It bothers me so much that they needed to find someone else before leaving me. I can accept that you fell out of love, or i'm not the one. I have a really hard time with the deceit.




Chris989 said:


> As to what you should do - it sounds like you should be firmer with your BF and call him out on what looks like cheating.


I explained to my BF early in the relationship how easily two people can fall into an emotional affair. When two friends of the opposite sex start to hang out, and hide those interactions from the significant others, it's a very slippery slope towards an emotional affair. I know how intoxicating those feelings can be and how hard it is to break away. I'm not proud of myself, but before I was married, I had an emotional affair. I was really young, in a long distance relationship, and I had a local friend who was showing me a lot of attention. As soon as we kissed, I snapped out of the whole fog. Confessed my sins and felt horrible for a really long time. But I also learned from that mistake and never took for granted how easily it is to slip into.

I guess I have trouble how to be firm. I'm afraid if I'm too firm, it will destroy the relationship, so I tried to be understanding without accusations but also explain how I would like them to be careful and just to let me know what is going on.



nogutsnoglory said:


> Some (especially men) are just not mature enough for marriage. You were together for a long time, now he wants to feel free. This is not your fault. It sounds to me like he is the one missing a great opportunity.


I guess this is one of the other red flags I just chose to ignore. He is in his mid 40's and I was his longest relationship. Until me, most of his relationships have last only 2 years. I was wondering if he had commitment issues. I think he does really want to get married some day, just I wasn't the one.



badmemory said:


> Was he cheating? Probably. The red flags are there. That's assuming the two of you had agreed to an exclusive relationship.
> 
> For most people in this situation, continuing contact would just delay the closure needed to move on with their life. Give him a polite goodbye, but tell him the truth. Then cut off contact.
> 
> You're young and I'm sure you'll find the right person - somewhere out there. Wish you the best.


We definitely were in an exclusive relationship. That boundary was clear from the very beginning.

He claims to want friendship. He stays friends with all his exes. I'm more inclined to cut off all contact but it will be hard. We have a lot of mutual friends and we share a common hobby we both really enjoy. We are bound to run into one another. When I got divorced, I was fortunate to move 8 hrs away. I never have to see him again except for the few unfortunate fb messages from shared friends. With my ex-boyfriend, I'm not sure what is the right thing to do. Although my ex-husband was an *******, sometimes, I kinda miss his friendship.

Sadly, I'm not that young anymore. I wasted my 20's in a dysfunctional marriage. I was truly enjoying my 30's and felt I won the lottery when I met my ex-boyfriend. Now I have to start all over again. I envision my life will simply be a few long term relationships until I'm old and grey. No kids. No family. All alone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You have friends. You also have us, now. We will not let you be "all alone!":smthumbup:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- sorry for the spot you are in. It sounds like he is at best too immature for a continued serious relationship.

I would not reward him with your friendship. That may keep you from moving forward. 

Happy early Birthday!


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

Thanks guys! You are very kind 

I am seriously contemplating full no contact! If he msgs me, I think I will fully ignore it. I don't want his breadcrumbs.

He just posted his first msg on fb, a photo, and it threw me for a loop. I went crazy for a minute, then turned on the radio and started cleaning my house frantically. Now I'm tired! Lol. The problem is trying to tire myself out so that I can sleep a full night sleep. It's been tough.

I had an interesting epiphany tho. When I met my exh, there was immediate intense attraction, a little too scary. I felt like I had known him my entire life and a strong feeling that he would be very important in my life mixed with a bit of sadness. I never fully understood where that feeling came from. During the marriage, he needed to improve me, and I thought he could. During my divorce, I worked through a lot of those feelings, but when I met my ex-bf, I was still carrying some baggage. I no longer felt that I needed to be better, but still wasn't 100 % over the divorce. My ex-bf has always needed to be there for women. He is always a gentleman and I think it gives him some sort of gratification. Kinda like being needed. Needing to be a white knight, but not in a condescending arrogant way like my exh. So maybe he saw me as someone to save, yet I didn't need to be fully saved. Perhaps that is why my feelings were not as intense as with my exh. Both men remind me of my father, in different ways. I have a good relationship with my father, I love him dearly, but growing up he was an alcoholic. He was never physically abusive, but there were some unresolved issues for a really long time until I went through my divorce and got some counselling. My dad is very reserved and perhaps not emotionally available at times. I wonder if I keep recreating these types of relationships, and more importantly how to stop?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

You sound great. You seem introspective, smart, and humble. 

Let the guy go. Husband #2 is walking around right now. He's a lucky guy and doesn't know it. You'll do fine.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Fearless said:


> I'm curious why you would say this?
> 
> I'm trying to see if there is a pattern with the type of men I am attracted too. I honestly thought both my husband and boyfriend were really really different types of men. My husband was not very affectionate, I believe he thought he was better than me and needed to improve me. I thought he was better than me and allowed him too. It destroyed my self esteem and I was depressed for years. My boyfriend accepted me with all my baggage. He never tried to improve me. He was tremendously patient. It was a very comfortable relationship. He was still affectionate and we still held hands. When I was married, my friends would tell me that my husband was a really nice guy. After the divorce, they said he was a little bit full of himself and needed to grow up. These same friends told me that my boyfriend was a really good man and really good for me!


Firstly, you are more alert to cheating than someone whom hasn't been cheated on - that raises the chances of you spotting infidelity that could be missed by those that have not been through what you have.

Secondly, my theory is that certain personality types are prone to cheating. Not an absolute personality type X=cheater, type Y=Not a cheater, but a likelihood which increases.

You could well be attracted to one of those personality types (maybe not, but I'm talking about probablity).

Thirdly, cheating is common so it is a good chance (again, I mean significant, not something at better than even odds) it will occur in a long term relationship anyway.

Add those 3 together and the odds multiply - hence your chances could be far higher than the norm.

My favourite point to illustrate one shot (i.e. none multiplied) statistics is that you only need 23 people in a room for there to be a 50% chance one of them has a birthday on that day.. Apply this to the subject of cheating and your head may well explode.

As to your other points, you will meet someone. Taking a guess at your age, you are not only far from over the hill, but perhaps just at the right time to have second run at life, have plenty of time in which to enjoy it and the experience to know that it should be enjoyed


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

So I woke up this morning determined to have a great birthday! I have the day/week off so I got up early and ready for the day. So far, it's been a great day! Bought myself socks and cake lol I have beautiful weather and spent the day driving around the coastline. Something about water just lifts my spirits.

So my ex-bf text's me in the morning "Have a wonderful birthday! If you are available, we can have lunch or dinner. I would understand if you have other plans". Hell ya I do! By my fabulous self too! I've ignored the message.

Then I went to check my mail and found a birthday card from HIM! WTF?! I'm a little taken aback from it.

"Dear F,

I don't know if I will see you on your birthday this year because I don't know what the best thing for me to do so that we can move forward. If I don't see you, I am truly sorry but know that I am thinking of you and missing you. I am still here should you ever need me.

I hope nothing but the best for you. You have such a good heart and are deserving of much happiness. Keep looking at the girl in the mirror that says "I look pretty" and do wear dresses more often since you look beautiful in them.

Lots of love,
X"

I don't know what to think. Considering the very very last words I ever heard from my exh was "Well, drive safe!" after signing the papers for selling the house and about to drive 8 hrs to a new city. My exh never gave me any type of proper closure, at least nothing like this card.

Do I just keep ignoring it? Sadly, I let it give me some false hope for a few nano-seconds. Ok, maybe a little longer, but I'm back to my senses. It's just breadcrumbs and I want more! I certainly do not want to be friends if he's moving on with her.

I appreciate the closure tho! I wanted to hear him say those words (missing me) for almost an entire year. And NOW he says them? LOL Life's funny sometimes!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

So he has a "clear conscience" and, to be blunt, you've been dumped.

Everyone wins as you get to find a man that you deserve.

Good luck, although I don't think you will need it. Just keep being who you are and next time perhaps stand up for yourself more. Maybe not, as the man you deserve to be with will not need or want you to.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Happy Birthday to you & try to think of today as the first day of the best part of your life. Your ex-bf may need to salve his conscience, but I wouldn't make that easy for him if I were you.

Just look to the future. There's so much out there that can be good & so many people who are true hearts. You will find someone better. I have no doubt.


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

So do you guys think I should completely ignore him? Or should I reply politely with a simple "Thanks for the card and proper closure"


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would respond in a very generic way: 'Thanks for the birthday wishes. Take care.'

It's hard to do this, but he needs to believe that you are not needy, in my opinion.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Echoing above.

He was clearly in an EA (99%)
Maybe in a PA (40%)
Ready to pull trigger to PA (75%)


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Echoing above.
> 
> He was clearly in an EA (99%)
> Maybe in a PA (40%)
> Ready to pull trigger to PA (75%)


I agree 100% on the EA and ready to pull the trigger to a PA. It's really hard to believe he had a PA, tho. It just doesn't feel right in my gut, and I really hope my gut would catch that.

Interestingly enough, they have cut all online contact. They use to publicly chat on fb everyday. Now it's gone completely dark! He has posted a few news items, but she's missing. I wonder how long that will last? A week? Two? I know it's going to happen and I need to prepare myself. I'll probably relapse when it does.

I, on the other hand, keep posting how awesome a day I've had. Partly to not let him see me sad, partly to reassure my friends I'm ok, and partly to fake it till I make it . But the posts are genuine and they are how I feel in that moment.

I had an interesting conversation with my brother last night. Apparently, my dad never wanted me to marry my exh but my mom forced him not to say anything! My brother just found this news out recently. All this time, I thought my dad really liked my ex and was heart broken when we got a divorced! I really wish I had known that. My dad's opinion means the world to me!


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

Oh boy what a whirlwind couple of days!

I was moving on, keeping myself overly busy, and didn't want to talk to him. Unfortunately, I was also hurting a real lot and just wanted to accept the situation. Prior to my birthday, I told our group of friends that we broke up and that he was spending inappropriate time with her. It made me feel good to let my "truth" out. I didn't do it to spite them. I just couldn't keep quiet like I did in the past. It almost killed me.

Then, T sent me that birthday card and wrote all the things I've been begging from him for the past year. He was thinking of me and missing me! He also sent me a birthday txt asking if I wanted to have lunch or dinner with him. I was so confused. I was so pissed. I was moving on and feeling good and posting it on facebook. But a friend confronted me. She said it looked like I was doing things in spite of him. I kinda was. She said how I decided to talk with him is up to me, but sometimes, it takes losing someone to get their ass to commit, othertimes, no mater what, they never will commit.

So I msged him. Saying that I was thinking and missing him too. If there was and doubt about his feelings, I would still be willing to talk, otherwise, I think we should unfriend on Facebook. It wasn't healthy for either of us. He replied that he has been conflicted ever since we broke up. That he was listening to his head too much, to not be a couple, but his heart didn't want that. He asked if we could speak and make this decision together. He signed his emails with Love! We met and he said everything I've ever wanted a guy to say. He wanted to live with me. He wanted us to work and find a solution to the whole thing. 

He also said some other stupid stuff about how I needed to find my own passion in something. He criticized my photography and said I haven't improved and I should just stop. I told him politely off! I told him I don't care if he liked my photography or not, I do! I'm going to do what I want and he has no right to tell me what I can or cannot do! It felt so good to stand up for myself and he said that maybe that was the passion he was talking about. 

We spent the entire time walking in a park like we use to when dating. We were going to take things slow, continue to evaluate our relationship but we agreed to not date anyone yet, we will remain exclusive. 

I confessed to the email I sent, I showed it to him. He was very supportive at first. He said he understood. However, the next day, his feelings changed. He was shocked and hurt I would betray him that way. I told him he hurt me too, and we were broken up when I sent the email. He finally convinced me he never cheated on me. I made a HUGE mistake. I was pissed, embarrassed, said some things to him and hung up the phone. I couldn't sleep at all. 

In the morning, I found the courage to write another email to the whole group explaining I was so wrong. I asked for forgiveness. I cried the whole day. I deleted my fb account. I stayed in bed with the covers over my head. I msged him telling him I'm truly sorry for the way it ended and that I hope he can forgive me one day. He replied saying he has already forgiven me. It took a lot of courage to do what I did and he was proud of me. He said to not go into hiding, I'll still have my friends, including him. He offered to come over as a friend. It kills me every time he writes friend. I want so much more than friendship! 

I had a lot of friends worried about me. They messaged/called me through the day to check up on me. He posted a picture of me he took in our private gallery, titled "Smart and attractive". So I renabled my fb account. Said that I was back, stronger than ever. He liked the status. 

That was 5 days ago. There has been no contact since.

Instead, I just noticed SHE removed me from her friends list on fb.

So I don't know where we are at right now. 

I'm just trying to refocus back on me, get my self confidence back, learn to accept that it is over.

At moment's I'm doing really really well. Other moment's, I break down and cry. Part of me is petrified I'm in denial, hiding all my emotions and a really dark cloud is in the horizon, ready to swallow me whole. I keep reading everything on the internet about letting go and accepting the relationship is over. It helps. But then I fall back into false hope, like now.

I really really really want him back, but I have no clue what to do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> He finally convinced me he never cheated on me


That's the great thing about cheats. They can do things like that.

Convince you it's all your fault, etc.


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

what if he actually didn't do it? what if I was so worried about my past that I saw things that were not there?

I'm really tired of carrying my past baggage around. I just want to accept it is over and lovingly let go. time will tell the truth. I just want to heal and move on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Fearless

It is not about him it is all about you!

If he truly loves you he will commit and be with you.

If he has not done that in 6 years I would tell my daughters the same thing I am going to tell you.

Dump him! He either knows or not if he loves you and wants to commit to you.

Dump his butt permanently.

Then sign up for a photography course and follow your passions.

If you put yourself out there, be daring, take a few risks you will find what you are looking for.'

He should know by now and he doesn't. He is a cake eater.

And I would truly question his honesty.

Trust your gut girl. And do not settle for anyone less than you deserve.

HM64


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

Thank you happyman64!

I haven't even told my own parents yet. But I think that is what my dad would actually want to tell me. I just found out my dad never wanted me to get married to my exh but my mom stopped him from telling me. My parent's don't know I know this. I just recently found it out from my brother who himself recently found out. My family is pretty dysfunctional, no one can ever say exactly what they think. Maybe this is why I'm so easy to please and settle for so little. I have a hard time knowing when I'm being too demanding versus too compromising.

But you are right. My bf was never going to commit to me. All the excuses are all smoke and mirrors. He could never tell me exactly what he wanted.

As for the photography, it again is just a smoke and mirror. It's complete bull****. I started photography during my separation. It actually saved me from deep depression. No one will ever understand what it truly means to me. I even met my bf through a photography club and I'm actually pretty good at it. My friends ask me to take photos of their kids all the time. He's conceited because he takes better photos than me, and he's always been upset because I'm not as good as him. He's always minimized my photography. I actually took classes before and my professor loved some of my work. The exact pieces my bf criticized. I'm not aiming to be a professional photographer. I do it because I enjoy it. It helps me get out of the house, to focus off myself and onto others, to stop and be in the moment and look around. I don't always focus on it. Sometimes my interest comes and goes. But I'll never give it up. It saves me during times like these. I'm glad I told him off. It's the first time I stood up to him in a long time.


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