# Trying to decide



## Unsure For Years (Nov 6, 2014)

*Trying to decide - Desperate for advice*

I have never posted a thread like this before but I desperately need feedback. I am 40 years old and have been with my husband since high school. We got pregnant our senior year. Obviously too young. My husband was childish, selfish, emotionally abusive, borderline physically abusive (he never actually hit), extremely jealous and possessive and an alcoholic for all our lives together up until about 4 years ago when I got the nerve to ask for a divorce. I stayed because he agreed to go to therapy. And he has gotten much better. He has cut back on drinking but won't give it up completely. He is never abusive anymore and is trying to work on his jealousy and possessiveness. He is like a different person in so many ways. BUT I still want to leave. I feel horrible because I know he is trying so hard. I just feel dead inside. I care about him, I don't want to hurt him. But I can't get over the past. I can't trust him even though I do know deep down he has changed. Do I stay, or move on with my life and let him do the same? He knows I'm unhappy and it's killing him because he's trying so hard and it's not enough. So now after all the years of hell he put me through I feel like the bad guy....and that just makes me mad.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you don't want to stay, don't. You have helped him tremendously by motivating him to change for the better, so his future prospects will be much better even if you decide to leave. You have done all you can for him, but now it's time to take care of yourself.


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## Unsure For Years (Nov 6, 2014)

Thank you for saying that. I've been trying to convince myself that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Marriage should never be seen as a life sentence, you both have changed and now want and need to be free to explore who you are and what you want to be. it doesn't mean you stop caring for each other, it just means that you both have become different people and need to be free to explore life, how ever you define that. he has to learn to let go and you have to learn its okay to be move on.


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## Justus3 (Oct 18, 2014)

If you aren't happy, you need to move on. It's not fair to either of you if your hearts not there


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Are you in therapy Unsure?

What is he generally jealous about?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It looks like this is too little, too late for you. Which is even harder and more painful, when you see that he is really willing to man up and working on improving himself, makes you feel guilty. But you cannot change your feelings.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Contrary to what you said (typed), I think "deep down" you fear he hasn't changed. His (old) behaviour shattered your trust and, try though you did and try as he might, you've not been able to claw it ALL back.

That's not your fault. It was an 'error of youth'. You've helped turn a misguided guy into a better one and gained valuable wisdom that'll serve you well in future.

You've nothing to feel guilty about. No law or reasonable expection dictates that you consign yourself to an unhappy existence. You are free to leave. 

Shed the shackles of your mind and spread your joy to the world. (Uh oh. The overtired madness must be kickin' in). Venture thee forth, young lady, into the beautiful, wonderous yonder. (Holy sh*t!). Cast your light among the lowly, that they too may shine. (There's more where that came from, if you don't heed our advice and leave!) 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

I am in the same situation except my H does not think he needs to change. What part of the relationship are you still distrustful about or that still distresses you to where you want to leave? If you have not changed the way you see him, then his behavior changes are not getting the viewing they might deserve. I am not saying just because he is trying he gets a free pass, but if you cannot accept ANY gesture he makes, then he is trying for a compromise that will not happen. I wish H would even try but I am too desperate for the smallest gesture. Good luck and try looking from another angle if you are still willing. It is hard to slog through no matter what the situation is and here is hoping for the best.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

While I agree that you shouldn't stay if you are truly unhappy and don't want to be there, (your staying for his sake alone isn't doing him any favors either) but I would first ask if you have done everything in your power to overcome the issues that you've been struggling with? Have you tried IC to help work through your feelings of distrust, inability to forgive/move-on, etc.? 

I ask because to be honest, it sounds like he's a pretty decent husband all things considered. None of us are perfect of course, so I'd be asking if he is really any more or less flawed then another man you might find in the future. A guy who is willing to put in that kind of a consistent long-term effort without assurance of success when quitting would have been much easier... is probably somewhat rare. In fact, he might be considered a "catch" for some other woman he meets down the road if you ultimately choose to divorce.

Again however, if you really genuinely just can't get past the past, then moving on IS probably the best answer. I would just suggest that you exhaust any other options before you go that route, first and foremost being that you do everything you can to work through your distrust/unforgiveness to try give the marriage a fair chance.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Just be certain that you can handle seeing this new "improved" version of him attracting many girls and hitting off a great romance once you leave.

If you're okay with that, then leave him.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I agree with CDBAKER. I'll ask you a few questions you would typically work through in IC. How much of your unhappiness is based on the relationship, and how much is due to your own issues? You chose this man to be your DH, and you chose to stay with him for 20+ years. Is some of your unhappiness rooted in these decisions. These decisions follow you everywhere because they are about you. 

Here is why I ask... I feel the humiliation in your words, but you may discover how some of that is misplaced. You may be extremely disappointed in yourself for making the choices you made. No amount of separation will heal this... This is about you. 

Clean up your side of the street and then determine if the relationship is worth a second chance. Kindest Regards-


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## Unsure For Years (Nov 6, 2014)

We have been to counseling. It helped some. His jealousy is unfounded and his been around since we dated in high school. I've been accused of sleeping with anyone from a stranger who glanced at me to his siblings. On our wedding night he broke a chair in the hotel room because in his mind I wanted to sleep with all the groomsmen. It was bad, very bad for a long long time. I should have left long ago. But he is better now. But yes, I am afraid that it's all still there under the surface and it does come out to a lesser extent when he drinks.....which he refuses to stop. I don't doubt if we split he will find someone else, and probably quickly. He's successful and attractive. And yes I am sure I will have moments of regret if I leave because I'll learn the grass isn't any greener. There is security here, a lifestyle. I do feel like it's just too late for me to get back any feelings that I lost through the years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him if he won't go to IC, for as long as you need him to, you're moving out.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Unsure For Years said:


> We have been to counseling. It helped some. His jealousy is unfounded and his been around since we dated in high school. I've been accused of sleeping with anyone from a stranger who glanced at me to his siblings. On our wedding night he broke a chair in the hotel room because in his mind I wanted to sleep with all the groomsmen. It was bad, very bad for a long long time. I should have left long ago. But he is better now. But yes, I am afraid that it's all still there under the surface and it does come out to a lesser extent when he drinks.....which he refuses to stop. I don't doubt if we split he will find someone else, and probably quickly. He's successful and attractive. And yes I am sure I will have moments of regret if I leave because I'll learn the grass isn't any greener. There is security here, a lifestyle. I do feel like it's just too late for me to get back any feelings that I lost through the years.


Did you fall in love with HIM or what he could POTENTIALLY Be?


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