# I'm in R but I feel I'm not getting the truth. How do I get it?



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

This is an extenstion of my other post about remorse. I tried to edit but couldn't figure out how to.

*Those who don't want to read my long novel, just answer the title. *

I guess I should really start by telling my story. I'm not sure if I have on here or not but I'll try to make it as short as possible without leaving out the important details.

My Wh and I have been married almost a year and together for three. In the first few months of our relationship he called me out because he had a "gut feeling" I was talking to someone else. I wasn't and was taken back as to why he would have that feeling. I found out about a month later he was talking to a woman he claimed he thought of as a sister. They talked about being attracted to each other and some other things that made it obvious he didn't really think of her as a "sister". I confronted, he apologized but said it wasn't like that, and as far as I knew he stopped talking to her. We moved forward. About a year later she sent him a text message one evening that said "you're an *******" out of the blue. He claimed it must have been a mistake and she meant it for someone else. There never was a "sorry about that wrong person" text however. I let it go and took his word for it. He is pretty convincing, after all.

So fast forward to around May of this year. We have a 11 month old and I am about 6 months pregnant with our second. We share a cellphone and he usually leaves it home with me. It usually logged into my facebook but he had logged in at some point. I hear the alert of a message and I checked it. I immediately realized it was his account but the message was from a woman at work that he "hates" and always calls a *****. Odd. Apparently, she had broken up with her ex and he was telling her how gorgeous she was and how she deserved better. I also noticed a message to a previous coworker that told him she got her belly button pierced. I sat for awhile feeling really funny about it all. Something just didn't feel right. About an hour later I check and both conversations are deleted. 

So I go into stealth mode. I started looking at e-mails and occasionally checking his facebook. I began noticing him flirting more and more with another co-worker. Sometimes they would talk about work and sometimes they would just talk about whatever. Some through e-mail and some through facebook. There were lots of winks and teasing behaviors. Then one day they went on about teasing each other about wanting a piece and him claiming he was caramel and tastated good. I almost lost it and confronted him then but I waited one more day. I realized that I was missing things because some parts of their conversation were incomplete. So the next day I decided I was going to sit all day logged into his facebook and just watch. The morning they didn't chat much although he did say it was sweet she was thinking about him the night before. Then around 2pm it got GOOD. They started talking about sex, how they like it, it's "all the better" that she was too old to get pregnant, etc. I was livid and couldn't wait any longer. I confronted him that night. 

He lied the first time I asked if him and this coworker had ever talked about anything sexual. He lied again when I asked if he was sure. When I read him the messages he laughed and said it was nothing, there were no actual intentions, they were just joking, blah blah blah. I asked him the other night what would have happened if I hadn't stopped it and he said "nothing because I realized it was wrong and wasn't going to do it anymore after that day." Yeah right! 

He has claimed since that day that there is NOTHING more than I already know. Nothing. But I feel there is. I can not get over it. It's a nagging feeling day after day but he insists. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he had offered even a little piece of new information. 

As for his behavior otherwise.....he seems remorseful. He has agreed to IC and MC. We already have it set up. He is doing all of the right things. Everything! Doesn't get mad when I ask him questions or bring it up or anything. 

But I still think there is more and feel like I can not move forward unless he is honest. How do I know that is all there is to know?


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## Mzflower (Aug 3, 2013)

Oh my mamabear this is not good. He is lying and will not stop until he knows you are serious about leaving him. Believe me, I've been thru this more times then I care to mention. Same thing and believe me, if given the chance to have sex with these morally lacking women, he will because he knows you will take him back. 

IC is a must for him, but he needs to go for at least a year . Mine went 4 months and said "he is good now...blah, blah". That lasted until the next fish took the bait. 

In the mean time, I know you have a family and another on the way, but go see a lawyer (do not tell him). Get divorce / separation papers drawn up and have him served! This doesn't mean you will divorce, but he doesn't need to know that, he needs to know -you will no longer accept his behaviour. 
Also, I'm sure some of the wonderful experts on here will advise you on what to do with this co-worker. I would send her a copy of her nasty chats and threaten to expose her to her employer. If she is married or in a relationship, you should definitely expose to them. 

Put your "b**ch boots on and show him you mean business, otherwise I'm sorry to say, he will continue his rotten behaviour. Sorry you are here, I'm sending you strength.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

You will never get the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have been in Recon for 6 months (fake recon I'm still calling it at this stage) and I have just about given up on getting the answers to the forensic questions I have. Most of what I know came from her piece of sh!t f**k buddy whatever he was. Apparently I'm one of the lucky ones who got this much info let alone what I read on texts and e-mails.

Bottom line is you will always wonder. You have the right to ask questions but people lie to self protect - divert, minimise and run away from the truth. And time changes things - in my case they get sick of being reminded about it. They even question themselves as to why they did it. It's a web of lies - you don't know what to believe.

What I learned was that once the cheater has settled on a story, they stick to it - no matter how illogical it is and no matter how they add or subtract pieces along the way. When you consider that the person you are meant to trust the most can lie to your face.... well, it's a big deal, a really big deal.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

You won't ever get the truth:

"_My Wh and I have been married almost a year and together for three_"

and that is the most likely reason why.

You don't know him well enough.

No matter what you do, it is more than likely that he will figure that telling you many "truths" is a one way bet - he will think that, if he tells you, then you will leave anyway.

If you feel like you aren't getting the truth, you aren't.

It will come to a point that you have to decide whether what you have is enough. 

Some cheaters do "come clean". That is remorse.

For those that don't - and your newly acquired husband is one - then you have to make that call.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Schedule a polygraph test.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You won't ever get the truth. Not from him anyway. I think you know what the truth is though. 

I have been in a very similar situation to you. The only time a got a mere trickle more was when I left him and refused to entertain his wishes to get back together. And he gave me a little titbit more. How kind. 

People like your husband give you enough to keep you happy. And nothing more. He won't change. Not unless he wishes to and makes real effort to. He would have to be forced into it by you leaving and a determination to get you back. If he is not determined, he will accept you leaving and move on himself. IC is an offering to you, not a real wish for change. In my opinion.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Also, I think some people are not capable of truly meaningful relationships. 

I think you have to consider if you are willing to just carry on and see how it goes, accepting you will never have the truth. Are you willing to let this slide and see how much effort he is willing to make to keep you? It may be that he is worth it if his current effort is maintained. You will have to be forever vigilant though. And you will have a life of suspicion and concern, an uneasy relationship, because you will never have the real truth, never know how remorseful he is, and wondering when the next straying will occur.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi Mamabear. Now that you described your story I can see that it WAS getting the truth that was bothering you. I can relate. It is classic behaviour of cheaters, even when caught and even in R they will only disclose as much as they have to. You are not alone. It's the usual scenario. 
I can't offer much advice because I wasn't successful. WS told me nothing. The only time I got a few trickle truths was when I threatened to leave. Right now I am planning my escape. I have to hang around for financial reasons for a while. I won't be coming back. I'm done. He probably thinks I will stay because I didn't leave. Cheaters are arrogant. But I'm one step ahead.
But that is not so easy for you given your 11 month old and being 6 months pregnant. I would still try being one step ahead by keeping a close eye on him. 
That's why I suggested giving your post the new title. I am hoping that some of the posters on here who maybe did manage to get the truth can give you ideas on what you can do. 
Your original question was what remorse looks like.


Chris989 said:


> Hi,
> Some cheaters do "come clean". That is remorse.


Well said Chris989. So maybe Mamabear you can tell WS that unless he comes clean there is no remorse. You can tell the counsellor that too and be firm about your position. Perhaps see the counsellor yourself first to let them know.
So sorry you are going through this. I hope you have onsite support.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you're very stuck unless you are willing to leave him and be a single mom. I would not hesitate to leave, but many women would.

I think not only do you not have the truth of his earlier betrayals, but I would bet the farm that he is still doing it. He is an inveterate liar. He manages you to keep you on board as he goes along with whatever it is he wants to do.

Sorry, but I doubt you're in R at all. If it were me, I'd follow the advice to draw up the D papers.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How are you doing Mamabear?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

mamabear131617 said:


> This is an extenstion of my other post about remorse. I tried to edit but couldn't figure out how to.
> 
> *Those who don't want to read my long novel, just answer the title. *
> 
> ...


First let me say that there's a part of me that wants to THROTTLE men like your H. There should be a special place in hell for men who cheat on their wives with very young children. (PS same goes for wives, who do the same). It truly takes a despicable person to create a young family and then tear it apart. Anyway...I'll get off my soap box.

Your husband is a player. Now he MIGHT not have gotten physical with these women and might get his jollies from the flirting, but eventually it will turn physical. He's got AWFUL boundaries. Now it could be physical as well and he could just be a serial cheater. How old is he? PS this isn't an excuse, just getting a picture. 

If there's a way to prove he hasn't gotten physical....you MIGHT have a chance, but if he's actually cheated (which I would guess he has) I don't see him changing.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Trickle truth is so common for a number of reasons, they do not want to admit how low they sunk and do not want to admit it and they are hoping they can get away telling you as little as possible.

The only way you will get everything is they really believe you are going to walk on the marriage. The crisis of losing the marriage will bring things to the surface. It is a shock and awe attack that will get them to tell the truth.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

********** said:


> How are you doing Mamabear?


I'm doing well! I left him yesterday. Not just because of the cheating but because of his unjust accusations against me. I couldn't tke it anymore. It was enough that he had stepped out on our marriage but then to turn everything around on me??? I'm done. He needs help. I couldn't deal with it any longer. Already I feel sooo much more at peace. :smthumbup:


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

^^^^^ 'Like' ^^^^^

One 'like' just isn't enough!


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> First let me say that there's a part of me that wants to THROTTLE men like your H. There should be a special place in hell for men who cheat on their wives with very young children. (PS same goes for wives, who do the same). It truly takes a despicable person to create a young family and then tear it apart. Anyway...I'll get off my soap box.
> 
> Your husband is a player. Now he MIGHT not have gotten physical with these women and might get his jollies from the flirting, but eventually it will turn physical. He's got AWFUL boundaries. Now it could be physical as well and he could just be a serial cheater. How old is he? PS this isn't an excuse, just getting a picture.
> 
> If there's a way to prove he hasn't gotten physical....you MIGHT have a chance, but if he's actually cheated (which I would guess he has) I don't see him changing.


My guess is he has too. I really wouldn't be surprised if he had slept with numerous women during our relationhip. I know I won't ever get the whole truth but whatever. We are now seperated due to his accusations against me. He started getting delusional and believed I was cheating! Ha! What a slap in the face. He's truly a sefish person and I don't think he will ever change.


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