# Newlyweds hate eachother!



## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

Hi all, I'm new here so i appreciate anyone taking the time to read my story and/or post a reply. 
My husband and I were married in May of this year. We had been friends for about 5 years, then we began a sexual relationship and as it began escalating into something more, he asked me to marry him. I thought for sure that I wanted to be with this man more than anything. I know he is a good person, would not cheat on me and would always do what was expected of him (such as work).
We were engaged for a year and moved in a few months before the wedding. Long story short: I wanted a small intimate wedding but my mother had other plans and it turned into a large event-over 100 people and $20,000-so I felt a lot of pressure to stay together even though we were having problems shortly after moving in together. 
I am now starting to see that he was never open, loving or caring towards me. I'm questioning what made me want to marry this person in the first place. We have never had a bond like I've had in past relationships, we don't talk about everything, I don't even know where he stands on some pretty important issues. 
We obviously had some connection at one point but now I feel as if we are room mates; two ships passing in the night. I have begged and pleaded for him to show me that he loves me and to touch me more and help me feel more connected to him by opening up. He usually says, yes I know I need to work on those things, then a few days later he will lie to me about something stupid in order to "avoid an argument". 
I admitted to him that I have anger issues and I promised to be calmer and not fly off the handle if he agreed to be more open with me instead of lying but he doesn't even give me a chance to exercise my new way of thinking. He is still lying so as to avoid conflict. 
I have told him that all I want is to feel loved by him. I have gained about 15 lbs since we got married and am very insecure about it. When I suggested that that might be the reason he doesn't touch me anymore or acts distant around others, only then did he react and hold me as I was blubbering like a baby. I promised him that I would lose some weight but he never agreed that we should work on being closer. He suggested date night (which we used to have weekly but it just trickled away) but has since "forgot" about it. 
I told him that it frustrates me that he "forgets" everything that I say or things that I need his help with and his response was that he thinks he has a memory issue and maybe he should see a doctor. Was that his way of not wanting to admit that he has been distant and selective in his memory?
I kind of went off on a tangent there, sorry. 
We have an appointment to see a marriage counselor in November but I just don't want to hang on that long. I would still be willing to go talk to the counselor but am thinking of suggesting a separation until then. 
I feel like he has fallen out of love with me but doesn't want to be the one who breaks it off for fear or looking like the bad guy or having to answer to his family and friends. I told him that's what I think and he didn't confirm or deny it. He just said, "I don't want us to break up because I can't see myself without you". No "I love you" anywhere in there. It feels like he is biding his time until I finally get fed up and walk out. I left him last night to stay with a friend (and have done it before) and he never called to see if I was ok, or asked where I was. He sent me a text this morning asking where I was last night and said that I over reacted about him lying to me. He said he was sorry that he lied but not sorry that he hurt me. And his apology was a desperate attempt at ending the argument. I know I shouldn't have left but I guess I was hoping that it would spark something in him and he would ask me to come home. I know that seems childish. I just want him to understand how serious I am. I am mostly just desperate for him to want me like he used to. Even if it's only to want me to sit next to him on the couch. I just want to be wanted.
I just wanted to know if anyone has some suggestions as to what I might do. I don't want to give up after only 6 months but I am miserable and feel like I'm falling into a state of depression that he won't bother to help me out of and I really don't want it to go any further.
Thanks for reading my book.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am not going to lie to you. My husband and I fell into this as well. You are sooo happy and things click and you are all about each other, and then BOOM a chain of events happens ( no matter how big or small) and you think the whole world is collapsing in on you.

The good news is that there is help for it. I think as women we tend to think that the men all need to change for us, but that we should be able to stand still and that just isn't fair. When hubby and I had our rough time after the marriage we both took a few days off of talking about it to each other, and then we sat down and did just that. What do you expect from me? What do I expect from you? What is gonna make us both happy? I would suggest not doing anything too rash until you see the counselor. Have a talk and try and see what you can DO to make him want to touch you. I posted that question myself just the other day. You can find it in the ladies lounge. Never stop looking for ways to make your SO want you. 

I wish you the best of luck honey and I hope everything starts to work out!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If a pattern has already been set, where you get angry and he lies or shuts down to avoid the confrontations, I would start by doing what you said you would (work on the anger) without expecting anything from him in return (for now.) If you are depressed about your weight gain, start working on that for yourself. Once he starts to feel closer to you and that you won't get upset or yell if he says or does something you don't like, he may come around. He might feel he's between a rock and a hard place right now.

What did he lie about that caused you to leave for the night?


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Take a DEEP BREATH!

I have been there girl...my husband and I were fighting when we left the reception the day we got married, and those emotional/physical differences...I understand.

You have to breath though...you have to find your "zen" place...I know that sounds cheesy, but just do something for yourself...take a girl trip, or a weekend alone...anything that will help keep you from feeling that the whole world is collapsing around you.

I think the marriage counseling is a good idea...just keep steady. Don't allow what he says/does to rocked you from your state of mind. Find something to keep you strong until you guys figure out the root of all these problems. It usually stems from both parties...it takes two people to fight...so back off a little.

Don't put yourself in a situation that will lead you to become upset, nervous, lied to...etc. An example: my husband would never compliment me before sex...even if I was dressed up in the skimpiest of lingerie...it REALLY hurt, but I fixed myself...just never wore the lingerie. Did it fix the situation? No...but it made it liveable, until I was able to see everything clearly and not emotionally.

Some employers offer EAP...a free assistance program that also includes referrals to counselors. Look and see if you have that option.


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

Well, as I said, it seems childish....but there was more to my leaving than the lie that he told.

When we first moved in to our apartment he began coming home with his coworkers and hanging around, eating lunch and just killing time there while I was gone to work. If they would get a lull or get rained out he would always come by and invite them all to come up. Keep in mind, I don't know and have never met some of these men (he works construction). So, after finding random things in different places and him constantly leaving the lights on as he left, I confronted him about it and told him that it made me uncomfortable, and that I wasn't saying he can't come home to pick up something he forgot, but I didn't think it was appropriate for his coworkers to be there all the time. I guess it's just a woman/territory kind of thing but I have underwear all over the place and normally I clean before company comes but, the rest of the time, there are dishes in the sink and the place is a wreck! So I don't want to get a reputation of being a slob. Not that I'm trying to be fake or anything. Well, I'm just digging the hole deeper now. 

ANYWAY, I came home Monday to find the lights on and when he got in, I asked him if he had been there earlier. He said yes, but he just stopped in to pick up his phone charger and left right after that, and that the guy he was working with didn't even come upstairs. Then he scurried off into the bedroom to avoid eye contact. As I was tidying the kitchen, I found a receipt for a take out from the chinese restaurant across the street dated Monday at 11:30am. So I showed it to him and told him I didn't appreciate being lied to. And yes, I got angry. I can't say that I controlled myself completely but I said what I needed to say. He said he was sorry for lying in an extremely insincere tone and said he was just trying to avoid the argument. So, he didn't even give me a chance to respond in an understanding way by informing me that people were coming over or asking if I had underwear hanging in the bedroom (which I did). I didn't speak to him the rest of the night because I didn't feel like he really was sorry for hurting me. I slept on the couch that night as well.

Some of the things leading up to my leaving were that we had another disagreement last week after I wrote him a heartfelt letter telling him that I just wanted him to want me and etc. He read the letter and said that he was going to be the man that I needed because he wants the marriage to work, then went straight to the new tv and watched the History channel for 2 hours while I laid in bed crying. I just think he is smoothing things over long enough to get the focus off of him and not wanting to follow through with what I need out of him. He alluded to the idea that he would change then, lied to me 2 days later. 

I don't feel any connection to him because he doesn't confide in me, he is scared of me. And I think that he has good reason to be cautious because of my anger issues but not to be afraid of me. I just want to tell him to grow a pair and take care of business! 

I just don't even want to look at him anymore. I'm tired of going to bed together and sleeping a foot apart. I'm tired of being ignored and I just don't think I deserve it. 

Maybe I am being selfish?


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I think you are being sincere...but I think you are finding out first hand alot of the differences between men and women.

Although, he could be more respect of the home being "our" space...he is doing a typically guy thing bringing his friends over and hanging out there. Probably hiding it from you because he knows it will piss you off. Does it make it right? No. Does he need to compromise with you? Yes.

Ask him to let you know before he brings guys over...not because you want to snoop/nag about the mess etc...but because you want to pick up the clothes/do the dishes...he does need the freedom to bring over friends, but he needs to be able to respect you desire for cleanliness too.

He also needs to have the freedom to tell you the truth, and trust that you will not get angry and start telling him off. Sometimes, lying is just a habit, and when he finds out that you don't react the same way you usually do...the habit will start to change. Does this make it right, or fix anything? Not really...but it will keep you from going crazy.

You cannot change him...never have or will. You can only learn to live with him, and hope that over time...he changes himself.

Start focusing on you...it will make life so much easier. Write down what you love about him...what first made you fall for him, and want to marry him. Then find something everyday to compliment him about...whether is something he fixes, or something little he does, no matter how insignificant...it will be HARD, believe me...its takes alot of humility, and don't expect an overnight difference. 

When he starts to see you as a warm, loving, safe person...who loves him for all his imperfections and wants him to satisfy you...physically. It will make a change. It might give him a heart attack...maybe read the book..."Why Men Love *itches"


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think you just have 2 different personalities and need to figure out how to make this an asset and not a liability for your marriage.

I am more like your husband, and I'll be honest...if he got annoyed because I let friends in the house for lunch, etc...it would really bug me...that's not an unusual thing to do if you work close to home as I understand your h's reasoning. It seems unreasonable to tell him not to do that...this is a good compromise situation...get in the habit of leaving the 'mess' underwear, etc. confined to the bedroom and agree to always keep the door shut, and off limits when people are over.

Simple answer here is, he does not think there is anything wrong with having lunch at home w/co-workers, so he keeps doing it and hides it because he doesn't want to hear you yell about it.

Yelling, angry, controlling = Major Turn-Off
Lying, scared, puppy dog = Major Turn-Off

I still think working on your own issues, w/o expecting anything in return is the best route to go at this point.


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

Things are hard right now because we live in a 1 bedroom apartment. It is 700 square feet with a galley kitchen, bedroom, living room and bathroom. And you have to walk through the bedroom to get to the bathroom. 

I love entertaining and often tell him to invite his friends over to have some beers or play video games and I retreat to the bedroom to knit or watch tv. But that is always on weekends and in the afternoons. For some reason, I can't agree with him hanging out at home while he is on the clock. I worry for his job security and I don't want him to pass the habit on to our kids one day. 

Yes, I know, I worry too much.

Anyway, I just want him to respect my feelings about the matter and if he disagrees, suggest some kind of agreement that we can come to rather than resort to lying. 

I do know that I get angry easily and I won't deny that I need to learn to better control it but I think it is also up to him to understand my problem and work through things with me.

I guess the counselor is the only one who will be able to help us from here. I letting myself drift further and further away from him to the point where I don't care to resolve things or make them better.

I think I will work towards bettering myself and expecting nothing in return until our appointment. I love that suggestion. Thanks for everyone's feedback!


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Just want to say I am sorry that you are feeling this because your husband is neglecting your concerns. I also want to say that there are a few things that glare at me from comments you made. For example, I see a lot of what appears to be controlling behavior from you towards him. I'm not suggesting your controlling but it sounds exactly like what I had dealt with in a past relationship. For me, I wouldn't dare invite anyone over to my home without running it by the wife first. Granted it got to the point that I just didn't bother anymore. My friends weren't good enough for her. Sometimes it was the spouse or GF of a friend that she wouldn't like and that was the case with one friendship I had to let go of. I guess what I am trying to say is your relationship is give and take. You can't go into it and think you can control the outcome. He has friends over during the day, I would ask him to help clean the house up first or the night before keep it in order so your not having to worry about the anxiety of the condition of your home. 

The lieing part is kind of concerning though to me. I am not the type to lie about something to avoid conflict but I sure know the feeling of dropping a subject to end a battle. Sometimes is easier to give up a point of view than get into yet one more argument about something or drag an argument out. I guess I get both sides of that argument between you two.

My significant other the other day said to her BF that I was already housetrained. I had a good laugh at that one. Granted it took a previous long term relationship to get "house trained" lmao.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's immature. However, I think you are out of line to make him feel uncomfortable being in his own home with a buddy from work. It is his home, too. That's vey controlling of you. He's lying about it because he feels you are being unreasonable but he's too immature to stand up to you.

I wonder what other things he lies about and how really important they are in the large scheme of things. I wonder if you aren't making a mountain out of some pretty small mole hills.

The touching/talking thing is more of a problem. But you're not happy when he apologizes because he didn't use the words YOU wanted him to say. Do you really want him to just tell you what you want to hear? Because that's what he did before and you called that a lie. So can't he apologize in his own language?

I think you are both immature and you are both inexperienced. And I think you both could stand some marriage counseling NOW. You can jolly well wait until November. You married him. This isn't dating. This is marriage. Suck it up and deal.

He dismisses your feelings. Not cool. The counselor will deal with that. 

But you dismiss his. Also not cool.

Work on this and grow. Don't run away and cop out. He's not all the bad guy here.


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## LadyEm (Oct 6, 2009)

I'm going to be completely honest with you here.

First of all, I'm sorry for your struggling in this marriage. Marriage takes hard work, dedication, and sacrifice.

So, here's being honest. What do you expect? Ask yourself this: Would you give up on trying to make somebody happy, when all you hear is how you're not good enough? You probably would, like any other normal person. 
Anytime a woman complains about not having her needs met, or nags about how unloved she feels, he'll most likely feel very uncomfortable and be unsure of what to do next. When your needs still aren't being met, he'll retreat and may possibly feel like a failure...that may eventually spiral him into a depression, and at times, he may begin keeping things secret, to avoid fights. Like my husband says, men also need to feel important. 

What have you done for him? Do you thank him everyday, when he does something, even the smallest? Do you greet him with a big hug and a kiss and tell him how much you appreciate him? Do you ask him about his day, and really listen? Do you seduce him at the right moments? Or, do you just pout and feel sad when your needs aren't being met?

Nobody's perfect. From the sound of it, you pressure him to give you happiness 100%, and he pulls away and hides because it makes him very uncomfortable. Clearly this isn't working.

Try a new approach. Instead of focusing only on your needs and what you want, focus on his. Tell him he's your hero. Admire him for being a big strong man. Thank him for everything he does. Smile and be happy to see him. You entered into a marriage with this man, and putting your needs aside is a sacrifice you must be willing to make...it's no longer about you. 

It may be hard at first to try this new approach, but you will be surprised with the outcome. When a man feels like a man, and when he feels special and admired by his dear wife, respected, and appreciated, he'll respond positively to your attitude and be willing to listen to you more, as well as open up to you and trust you. Don't demand he open up and speak to you. Don't criticize yourself and call yourself fat, and tell him he doesn't want you. Stop putting him on the spot...this will keep you from getting the answers and outcomes you want. Trust me. Stop demanding his love and affection, and start giving yours, without complaint. Fake it if you have to at first. Eventually he will come around, and will _want_ to talk to you, to share things with you.

Don't run from your decision to marry him. You're a wife now, and do what you must to save this marriage, even if it may seem too hard at first. Marriage is never easy, but can be wonderful once you get on the right track. Good luck.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

LadyEm said:


> Anytime a woman complains about not having her needs met, or nags about how unloved she feels, he'll most likely feel very uncomfortable and be unsure of what to do next. When your needs still aren't being met, he'll retreat and may possibly feel like a failure...that may eventually spiral him into a depression, and at times, he may begin keeping things secret, to avoid fights. Like my husband says, men also need to feel important.
> 
> What have you done for him? Do you thank him everyday, when he does something, even the smallest? Do you greet him with a big hug and a kiss and tell him how much you appreciate him? Do you ask him about his day, and really listen? Do you seduce him at the right moments? Or, do you just pout and feel sad when your needs aren't being met?


I like that post...thanks...it reminds me that marriage is supposed to be an adventure. My first year was hard...but I didn't seek outside help for the frustrations/hurt I was feeling...I buried it, and that was a BIG mistake.

Take care of yourself, but don't forget that this is the wonderful, incredible man that you were friends with first and then fell in love with. Go back to those happy memories and try to discover what made you fall for him the first place. Find something that you absolutely ADORE about him and focus on it.

And keep your appointment with the counselor...even if he doesn't go...you stay steady and decide that you will try and give everything you can to make this work.


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## Critter (Oct 7, 2009)

Wow! I really appreciate this feedback. From EVERYONE! I really was too proud to realize that I was being a total brat. All I wanted to do was blame him and complain that he was the one ruining things. 
Unfortunately I did not realize this until after he left last night. I know he didn't want to leave but I, idiotically, pushed him out the door by telling him that I don't know how to fix things and the counselor will be the only one to help us and I suggested a separation. I know this was against all advice but I couldn't overlook my stupid pride at the moment. I fear that I may have made a huge mistake and I just really hope that he comes back so I can start making myself better for him and for us. 
He doesn't deserve this but I know that he has a lot of things that he needs to work on as well.
I just hope that he can forgive me for letting myself become this woman. 
I still intend on going to the counselor I just wish we could get an appointment for a closer date.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I hope it all works out honey, I will keep my fingers crossed that you get an earlier date for counseling. It is really hard to take a hard look at ourselves especially when it is easier to think it is the other person, so it couldn't hurt to let your hubby know that hey, I took a look in the mirror and didn't like what I saw, can we talk? Tell him you realize now what was happening, and maybe get together in a neutral place to talk about what to do about it all. Best of luck honey!!


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Critter, your not a horrible person and you can't sit and lay blame on yourself or him for that matter. I think of it as self destructive and not proactive for either of you. However, I do believe you are still not totally looking at the situation from the right perspective. You don't have to have a immediate conseling session to begin working on correcting things. communication alone will start things moving in the right direction if you can come to him and sit down rationally and talk it all out. You both need to just sit down, state that you want to be completely honest with him and he in turn to you. Tell him you are not going to react to his honesty. That you want his honesty about how he feels. I would guess he probably feels backed into a corner and has absolutely no idea what to do to fix this. 

You also are taking a step in the right direction by just coming here to get some feedback but you can also go to your local bookstore or library to get a few books to read. I can't tell you how much doing some homework on your own is therapuetic for you. 

Like said by previous posters, marriage takes patience, compromise, communication, sacrifice and tons of hard work. You have to start there and be open minded about what is going on. Step back from the situation and start evaluating yourself and figure out what you need from him. Tell him what that is because he is probably struggling to figure it out right now and us guys are very thick headed sometimes. We don't always "get it". I wish you luck.


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## Jake Andrews (Jun 25, 2010)

First of all, you label "Newlyweds hate each other!", starts everything wrong. There is a difference between not loving each other versus hating each other and from what I read, neither of you hate each other. I know that by both of you seeing a marriage counselor, that is definitely the right thing to do and the sessions will help both of you to communicate to each other more effectively and purposely. He will have a better understanding of what you need and need to hear and feel while you will also gain the same enlightenment of his needs and uniqueness. This sounds more like an immature newlywed couple and really, I believe will settle into a beautiful friendship marriage that will have the bumps along the way, yet get better as the days go by. Hang in there...it will work out. The grass is NEVER greener on the other side.


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## ErosLife (Aug 5, 2010)

You took the words right out of my mouth, Original Poster [OP]. Strangely similar to my situation -- actually, almost, ALMOST, exact.


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