# Did I make a huge mistake



## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

I've been with husband for over 10 years and we got married only a short few years ago and have a kid. 
In the beginning he was full of life and had a great sexual appetite. But a few years in it started to decline. He makes little to no effort with me. No communication from him atall when he's at work. No kiss goodnight. Just rolls over. No interest in sex. Doesn't grab me fondly or sexually as if I interest him. 

But for everyone else he pretends to be the life and soul. He'll spend hours thinking of exciting weekends away he can go on with friends or nights out to exciting shows and acts with them. He's been several trips away with colleagues and friends visiting so many places and really loving the life we once had. 
I've tried for the last year to make more effort and organise things for us like nights out. But in the back of my mind I'm aware not once has he done anything to focus on us but he can for himself and his friends. 

For years our sex life has been non existent I've spoke about it in so many ways he insists nothing's wrong but I can't count how many times I've been rejected and how little we actually do it. He hasn't initiatiated it in over 2 years. 

He thinks nothing's wrong and I'm always moaning. Maybe I am. But I also think he wants this fake life and truelly isn't happy. 
I feel we're not happy we do very little together he spends no time with me and has no interest in spending time with me and we have no sex life. 

Currently on holiday and it's killing me seeing so many families with happy couples I just feel like I made a huge mistake marrying him. 

Now I have my son. But is this what life is meant to be like? Am I naive to think you can happily stay in love forever?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No, it isn't supposed to be that way!

Would he be acceptant of sexual therapy or marriage counseling?*


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

He doesn't think there is a problem in his words he doesn't know why I'm unhappy we have a lovely house beautiful son and good jobs. 
My response has been I don't care we have no time or desire for each other and all of the other things minus our son don't matter. 
He says re sex he's tired and stressed (work) however is not prepared to change his by getting a different job and says this is just life. 
I know my friends husbands are not the same. 

I truely don't want to leave him and break up our family but how do I help him understand I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Snoopd2017 said:


> He doesn't think there is a problem in his words he doesn't know why I'm unhappy we have a lovely house beautiful son and good jobs.
> My response has been I don't care we have no time or desire for each other and all of the other things minus our son don't matter.
> He says re sex he's tired and stressed (work) however is not prepared to change his by getting a different job and says this is just life.
> I know my friends husbands are not the same.
> ...


It's not clear in your post,does he go on these weekend trips without you.


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

Yeah. The trips don't bother me. The never have. 
What bothers me is He spends a huge amount of time thinking of fun things to do with his mates and I wish he'd spend some time focusing on things to do with me to help build our relationship as I think it's vitally important. In the last year he hasn't organised anything for us to do. 
I've asked if we can have date nights each month and so far I've organised the last 3. 
I haven't bothered with another And guess what he hasn't either. 
I feel like if I don't do it he has no clue or interest. But it's the opposite of it's for a weekend or night with his friends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do the two of you have sex?

When you do have sex, is there foreplay? does he help you with orgasms, etc?


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

This is a huge issue and has been for a few years. 
About once every 2-3 months sometimes longer. 
I have to say to him in advance I'd like to have sex that night so he knows so he can go to bed early enough. There is a little foreplay and yes he does help. 
But honestly it doesn't take much by this point. 
Apart from this there is no other sexual chemistry he doesn't grab me or cuddle me during the day etc to indicate feelings of attractiveness. 

He has gained allot of weight over the years but he won't go to the gym as he says he's too busy at work and tired when he gets home. 

I make a point of cooking all the meals but he still eats allot of junk food and beer so the diet doesn't help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Snoopd2017 said:


> I'm 34 and husband 41 we met when I was 21. We got married only a short few years ago and have a toddler son.
> In the beginning he was full of life and had a great sexual appetite. But a few years in it started to decline. He makes little to no effort with me. No communication from him atall when he's at work. No kiss goodnight. Just rolls over. No interest in sex. Doesn't grab me fondly or sexually as if I interest him.
> 
> But for everyone else he pretends to be the life and soul. He'll spend hours thinking of exciting weekends away he can go on with friends or nights out to exciting shows and acts with them. He's been several trips away with colleagues and friends visiting so many places and really loving the life we once had.
> ...


Nope, this is not what married life is supposed to be like. You might find this article interesting. Sadly, this happens often enough that there is a term for it. Your husband is happy with things the way they are. So he basically does not care if you are happy or not. He's happy, what's your problem?

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

Here is a thread about women in sex starved marriages. You might find it helpful to read at least the first couple of pages. There books and other resources suggested in the first post of the thread that you might find helpful.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

Re the weight we've spoke so many times about his lack of sex drive he assures me it's not me and it's his lack of energy and his weight gain. 

I'm passed caring. I wish I had a husband who was attracted to me enough to want to have sex with me. 

At times I've fantasised about an affair but what's the point it's not the answer it's my husband I want to feel close to. Not someone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Snoopd2017 said:


> This is a huge issue and has been for a few years.
> About once every 2-3 months sometimes longer.


Technically, you are in a sexless marriage. Clinially, a sexless marriage is one in which there is sex 10 or fewer times a year.



Snoopd2017 said:


> I have to say to him in advance I'd like to have sex that night so he knows so he can go to bed early enough. There is a little foreplay and yes he does help.
> 
> But honestly it doesn't take much by this point.
> 
> ...


He is not going to address this until his world is shaken. Right now he's comfortable and so he just does not care. You are going to have find a way to get his attention.

How often is he going on trips with friends?

How often is he going out socially with friends?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Snoopd2017 said:


> Yeah. The trips don't bother me. The never have.
> What bothers me is He spends a huge amount of time thinking of fun things to do with his mates and I wish he'd spend some time focusing on things to do with me to help build our relationship as I think it's vitally important. In the last year he hasn't organised anything for us to do.
> I've asked if we can have date nights each month and so far I've organised the last 3.
> I haven't bothered with another And guess what he hasn't either.
> I feel like if I don't do it he has no clue or interest. But it's the opposite of it's for a weekend or night with his friends.


At this point the trips should bother you. He it putting a lot of time and energy into a social life with someone other than you.. a lot more than he puts in with you.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together in order to maintain the feelings of love and passion. You two are clearly not getting that. And with the way your marriage is right now, you would need to spend about double that for a while to get it back.

So who is this that he is going off with. To be honest, I'm wondering if he is having an affair. If he's not getting it at home, he's getting is somewhere.

Have you done any snooping to find out if he is cheating?


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

Thanks for the links I'll have a look at them. 

how do I get his attention? 

I feel like I've brought it up so many times he dismisses it as nagging infact he has said no matter what your always unhappy. I'm not I've just been unhappy for a long time with our relationship. It doesn't change for me. He just forgets about it and moves on. 

He's not away for weekends often every few months 2-3 times annually. And a night out every month.


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

What I mean is they don't bother me if he was spending as much time on us. 
Clearly it hurts he spends all this time with his mates and his social life than his own marriage.
I haven't done snooping I wouldn't know where to start he goes with close friends and he doesn't tell me much just where they are staying. His phone is always with him so not likely I can peak at it. 

I honestly don't believe he's cheating.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Snoopd2017 said:


> Yeah. The trips don't bother me. The never have.
> What bothers me is He spends a huge amount of time thinking of fun things to do with his mates and I wish he'd spend some time focusing on things to do with me to help build our relationship as I think it's vitally important. In the last year he hasn't organised anything for us to do.
> I've asked if we can have date nights each month and so far I've organised the last 3.
> I haven't bothered with another And guess what he hasn't either.
> I feel like if I don't do it he has no clue or interest. But it's the opposite of it's for a weekend or night with his friends.


How do you know for a fact the trips are actually with mates and not with an affair partner? Many of the the things you are talking about including

1. no interest in doing anything with your
2. no interest in sex
3. always away at the weekends doing stuff with others
4. Not inviting you to any of these activities
5. Never organising something special for you
6. You are the domestic support, the baby sitter and the house cleaner and cook only

see the picture? I would start investigating his activities.
Keep your mouth shut and eyes wide open, do not discuss your marriage with him anymore, just investigate


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Snoopd2017 said:


> Thanks for the links I'll have a look at them.
> 
> how do I get his attention?


You need to make some changes. 

There is a book that talks about how to do this... 

*Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again * by Michele Weiner-Davis 

The author is the same woman who wrote the article about Walkaway Wives that I linked to in an above post.

There is a chapter in the book about what happens when a change is introduced into the environment. She talks about how to make some changes that will get his attention. She uses the term "the 180" for this. It's not the 180 that is linked to in my signature block below. Instead this is a 180, or changing your behavior in ways that is different than he expects. The "180" means to behave completely different from your normal behavior. The book is a good read. And that chapter helps with making unilateral changes that can help your marriage. Don't let him see you reading this book as you don't want him to figure out what you are doing.

Once you get his attention and he is finally listening to you, then there are two books that can help restructure your marriage: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (those links are in my signature block below. But you need for him to be paying attention to you and your marriage before you can get to these books. They are for both of you to read and do the work that they say to do.



Snoopd2017 said:


> I feel like I've brought it up so many times he dismisses it as nagging infact he has said no matter what your always unhappy. I'm not I've just been unhappy for a long time with our relationship. It doesn't change for me. He just forgets about it and moves on.


Of course he does not pay attention when you bring it up. He's happy. And he thinks that there is no way that you will every leave him. So he feels he does not need to do anything to keep you.



Snoopd2017 said:


> He's not away for weekends often every few months 2-3 times annually. And a night out every month.


Well, right now, he should be spending that time with you.

If you want, I can help you a bit by starting you on a 180 plan that fits your situation.

How often do you go away with friends for weekends? How often do you got out with your friends with out him?

How often does he watch the children so you can go do stuff?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And you did not answer the question. Have you done any snooping to find out if he is cheating?

How much time does he spend a day on his phone and/or computer? Is his phone password protected?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jeez, could this guy BE any more disengaged from this marriage?

All you are is a second paycheck, the scullery maid, the wet nurse, the laundress, the cook, the housekeeper and the nanny - while Mr Self Entitled is off having fun supposedly with his 'buddies' every weekend. And then there's YOU, not wanted and uninvited to his weekend 'activities' and staying home doing all the work and the child raising because *someone* has to be adult.

Where is it written that this poor, deprived snowflake should be given his weekends free because he works OH so hard, but you, who *also works hard outside the home*, somehow don't DESERVE the same 'time off' on weekends? This guy is SUCH a douche bag.

What would Father of the Year DO if you suddenly packed a bag on a Friday night and told his selfish ass you'd be home on Sunday night and to have a good weekend? I'd be willing to bet he wouldn't know WHAT to do because he's obviously not an active father OR an active participant in his own home. That's what YOU'RE for (and that 2nd paycheck, too).

Don't you get TIRED of being the only one pulling their weight around there?


> How often does he watch the children so you can go do stuff?


LOL...I'm willing to bet the answer to that is less than 3.

About the last thing I'd be doing is jumping around like a trained seal begging for this ass-wipe's attention. He's made it loud and clear that he's *not *interested and that your only role is to do everything so HE doesn't have to lift a finger.

Lucky, lucky you.


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

About the last thing I'd be doing is jumping around like a trained seal begging for this ass-wipe's attention. He's made it loud and clear that he's *not *interested and that your only role is to do everything so HE doesn't have to lift a finger.

Lucky, lucky you.[/QUOTE]

Seriously? A trained seal?! I wouldn't be so rude to imply such a thing clearly I am trying to work on building our relationship without much success on his part but how does that make me a trained seal?


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> And you did not answer the question. Have you done any snooping to find out if he is cheating?
> 
> I did answer I haven't done any snooping. I don't think he is cheating.
> 
> How much time does he spend a day on his phone and/or computer? Is his phone password protected?


Yes it's password protected I have his password along with his password to emails and Facebook. When he's away with friends I know who they are I'm friends with all the wives who also know there husbands are away unless they are all lying to us. I also see photos they post on Facebook during any night out or trip away. I'm fairly sure he's not using this time to have an affair.


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## Snoopd2017 (Jun 25, 2017)

To clarify he actually does always encourage me to go out and do more stuff with my friends or trips away he makes a point of suggesting I spend more time with friends. 

However it doesn't bother me spending weekends away I enjoy an evening out with friends once every couple of months. He is the one who looks after the kids and hasn't ever complained to this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't respect you, meaning he has no fear of losing you. IIWY, I'd be making it clear to him that you are fed up and are planning your exit strategy. It doesn't have to happen overnight, but he needs to see you taking steps, like setting up your own bank account, visiting a lawyer to see what your options are. Tell him about these things honestly and openly. He won't believe you at first, but as you take more steps he'll see you're serious. 

Look up walkaway wives, because that's what you're becoming. The best thing is to make him aware NOW, before you're completely out of love with him.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

You've lost your emotional connection with him. All he hears is complaints. i think my DH said something like that, I could never make you happy. As if we are incapable of being happy. It's the connection, his effort to invest in you that's gone. Of course that makes you unhappy.

Read The 5 Love Languages book? Until my DH did, I don't think he realized that having sex is like saying I love you. He didn't get the rejection. The resentment he felt toward me stopped him from wanting to have sex. He used porn instead, which is much easier. With porn, you only have to please yourself. Your DH is probably pleasing himself and then doesn't have to worry about his weight gain or you. Yet he should.

Maybe he truly feels you can't be happy so he's ignoring you, thinking he can't fix you. To some extent, it's true you have to make your own happiness. Find things about him that make you happy and let him know. If he does anything good, encourage him. Tell him you miss him. Make sure you're someone pleasant to be with, even if he doesn't deserve it. You shoul be his top priority. Why aren't you?


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