# Trying to reconcile but struggling with my emotions



## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi everyone

My husband has returned to live with us after 6 weeks separation but I am really struggling to come to term with my emotions. 

He was unfaithful with a prostitute and also has anger and alcohol issues.

I wanted to try again as he is going to counselling, so am I and he has also given up alcohol (albeit reluctantly - initially he said he would and now he seems to be backsliding a bit). I wanted to try for us as I we did have positive times as well and I don't want my children to grow up in two separate homes if possible.

But I feel sick inside, perhaps even worse than I did when I was separated. At least then I had some peace, even though I was scared about being alone. I also feel repulsed by him, the thought of having sex makes my stomach turn. I also feel guilty because I asked him to come back for a few days before and then asked him to leave again. I do realise though that logically this isn't my fault, I didn't cause all of this.

I am trying to give this one last best try but I am really struggling here. I'm wondering if this is a normal reaction at the beginning of R, or there is just too much damage done to repair.

Can anyone relate please?

Thanks

Jen


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

I just posted on here for the 1st time today. If you read it you would clearly see that I can relate. I am just in the same boat as you in regard to what to do. It's really sad that we as women have to bear this incredible amount of pain at the hand of the one that vowed to love and protect. I will pray for you.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Tigrlily

I know you are right. I'm just bloody scared to make that final leap. The phrase from that book you read is bang on target - I may even look that up.

I just keep wavering, thinking if it is at all possible we could make this work, if only. But when I look at him and he comes any where near me I feel incredibly uncomfortable. Worse than that infact, my heart feels like it is pounding and I feel sick.

Mama2bestkidsever - I did read your post. I think you are a very brave woman, I know myself I must overturn every stone until I know this marriage is dead. However, I think perhaps you and I are at the point where there is nowhere else to go apart from out.

I'm from Europe by the way, so that is why I look like I post in the middle of the night, I'm not really an insomniac hehe.

Take care

Jen


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

Sad, really sad... For me, I have worked all of our marriage, but am now unemployed for the 1st time so I am also scared of how I will support myself and my kids. Time to suck it up, find a job and go from there I guess... 
Take care Jen


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Mama, don't forget we as men have to deal with this pain too.

Jen, I can relate to your story. My spouse cheated with my best friend though but she was an alcoholic at the time. She has been sober about 2 1/2 years and we have an open, honest relationship now. We talk often about her drinking and the damage it caused to our marriage. She tried to quit several times at my insistence but she said until she was ready they were only temporary. 

My suggestion is to get him to talk openly and honestly with you. If he is unwilling to do that then hope is slim. He needs to confront his problem and own up to what damage he has done. Until that happens true healing will not begin. 

Scared? You bet I was when we were separated. We were married for 17 years at the time, two kids. The thought of being single made me ill. I took her back after a trial separation because I saw her healing from alcoholism after her suicide attempt and rehab. If I hadn't seen the healing and the image of the woman I once loved I doubt we would be together today.

Is there still pain? Yes. I feel it all the time. The triggers are all over and I find myself thinking a few times a week of her drinking or the affair. 

Does it get better in time? Yes. the pain is less even if it is still there.

Sex - I still suffer from mental movies of the two of them and I find myself not wanting to have sex because of that. I love her but I find I still don't trust her 100%. She hurt me so bad I really don't know if I can ever fully trust her again. I just know the love is there and with her healing from drinking I am willing to give her a chance. Maybe in time the trust will come, maybe it won't.

Good luck to you. Make sure healing comes with full honesty. Without that you and he will never heal as a couple or individuals.

Peace,

Zak


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

Zak, so sorry... I know that men have to deal with this issue as well. I should have chosen my wording more wisely. It is sad that anyone could put another person through so much pain. Sorry again...


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

No foul.  

I think the general perception is the men are the ones cheating. These days statistics are showing each sex is perfectly capable of hurting the other.

I am glad sites like this exist to hear and share with others. I know they help me personally and hopefully we can all learn from each other and find some peace in our life.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Zak - thanks for your post.

I think what stands out from your post is your wife's ability to be honest and open with you (and you in return).

The problem I am having with my husband is that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and do the whole rug sweeping thing. I have asked him a few questions about his infidelity and he reckons I should be done with it now - but it doesn't work like that as I need to talk about it when I want to. I want to feel validated. As usual with our relationship that doesn't happen.

Even though he has been back only a week, I'm having to deal with his moods. He is moody because I am too distant from him and will not be really affectionate with him. We are kissing (although only pecks on the cheek/lips) and hugging and I really think that is enough for now. That is all I feel like. He is annoyed because he wants more already. I told him to back off and that I will tell him when I am ready.

It is a control thing with my husband. He is fine as long as things are going his way. When they aren't he is quite unbearable.

I will go with this for now but I don't hold out much hope and will know pretty soon if I can really give this another go or not.

Jen


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jen, good luck. I admire you for trying so hard despite the fact he is being an a$$hole.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Jen you hit that on the head there. One thing I got from marriage counseling and individual counseling is full honesty.

His refusal to be fully open and honest means to me that he is not willing to accept his fault. He wants you to be over it but that is not for him to decide. He created the mess and needs to learn to live with the consequences. He needs to be the one working to make this better though his honesty and openness. When he does those things the door will open for you to heal and your relationship to heal. Right now he is locking that door and asking you to step through it.

Ask him this. How would he feel if you had done this to him and he was the one in your shoes?

I read a good article once on how men percieve affairs compared to women. Men are territorial and view it as something of mine was taken. Women view it as they are not good enough looks wise and seek that affirmation. Granted these are generalities and situations will vary but if he were in your shoes I don't think he would be as quick to forgive as he expects you to be.

Seek the honesty. Seek openness. Those will be the foundations for rebuilding your relationship.


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> Jen you hit that on the head there. One thing I got from marriage counseling and individual counseling is full honesty.
> 
> His refusal to be fully open and honest means to me that he is not willing to accept his fault. He wants you to be over it but that is not for him to decide. He created the mess and needs to learn to live with the consequences. He needs to be the one working to make this better though his honesty and openness. When he does those things the door will open for you to heal and your relationship to heal. Right now he is locking that door and asking you to step through it.
> 
> ...


How long should one wait for the honesty and openness?


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

That's a good question and one I don't think there is a cookie cutter answer for. For me when I found out about the other man I told her I needed honesty there and now. I told her I knew things from my discovery and things from others. If she lied I would most likely know it and we were done. If she wanted any chance at all she had to be completely honest with me. 

To this day we tell each other everything. Minus my inability to tell her how I feel during sex. I have bad issues with mental movies playing in my head that kill the mood. I feel bad for withholding this but I need to work this out and I really don't think there is anything she can do to stop it.

I think the spouse that was cheated on has a right to honest answers. Anyone who wants to repair damage needs to be honest even if it hurts. If a hard question is asked they want to know and be honest. If you don't ask the hard questions it's your fault and you can't blame them. 

In Jen's situation I know what she is going through. My wife was an alcoholic and I know all too well that they will lie through their teeth to avoid being labeled as one and they will shift the blame to others.

I found a lot of help at Drug Rehabilitation | Drug Addiction Treatment Center | Alcoholism | Addiction Mental Health | Directory Substance Abuse Detox Programs | SoberRecovery there is a good forum there for "Friends & Family of Alcoholics". The big thing I got is we can't help them. They have to want to heal and until that point there is nothing we can do besides offer to be there to help them heal. The healing has to start with them though.


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## Mama2bestkidsever (Feb 15, 2012)

Thanks Zak


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Thanks again.

I do think honesty is the key and the WS has to be honest with themselves and not downplay whatever happened.

I am struggling with my husband. Today we went out for lunch which was ok but we ended up chatting.

He told me why can't I get over this 'one small thing in our ten year relationship' (the one small thing being visiting the prostitute).

Well until he realises that it isn't a small thing and potentially could wreck our relationship then I cannot see much truthfulness going on.

It is just so hard really.

/hugs

Jen


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Ask him why cheating on his wife is such a small thing to him? Does he take your marriage vows that lightly? Why is it the WS think that their affair is such a small thing and we need to "move on" and forget it. 

What other parts of our marriage vows should we treat so lightly? To love? To honor? To cherish? Til death do us part? Forsaking all others? (well that one was shot) In sickness and in health? Tell us why you can pick and choose which ones are inconsequential and we need to get over that?

Sorry. We held up our vow and you broke them. It is a big thing and the sooner you can see that the better chance we can salvage this relationship!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jen1020 said:


> Thanks again.
> 
> He told me why can't I get over this 'one small thing in our ten year relationship' (the one small thing being visiting the prostitute).
> 
> Jen


I had to hit my husband over the head about 50 times before he finally GOT that it's a huge deal. Have you printed off some of the info here to show him? There's a letter somewhere, and a few really good posts. There's one up in CWI right now that does an excellent job of explaining what a BS feels

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Zak68 said:


> Ask him why cheating on his wife is such a small thing to him? Does he take your marriage vows that lightly? Why is it the WS think that their affair is such a small thing and we need to "move on" and forget it.
> 
> What other parts of our marriage vows should we treat so lightly? To love? To honor? To cherish? Til death do us part? Forsaking all others? (well that one was shot) In sickness and in health? Tell us why you can pick and choose which ones are inconsequential and we need to get over that?
> 
> Sorry. We held up our vow and you broke them. It is a big thing and the sooner you can see that the better chance we can salvage this relationship!


Well said Zak.

When my husband said it was just 'one small thing' that I should get over, then I replied so you wouldn't mind if I had an affair then, seeing as it isn't much of an issue?

Ofcourse I'm not going to, but he did look quite stunned for a few moments. He still doesn't get it though.

I questioned him further asking him why he felt the need to visit the prostitute and he said 'it was always something he wanted to do'. Well we all have fantasies but it doesn't mean we have to act them out! I also told him that I really felt that only someone with very low morals could solicit prostitutes and that I was embarrassed and ashamed of him. 

You know I probably said quite alot to him today at lunch that was very honest and wasn't very pleasant for him to hear but I do feel better for it.

Hope - Seems I will have to keep reminding my husband consistantly as well about the consequences of his actions (where's that frying pan?!). I also appreciated reading the link to the 'understanding the pain' post. It was very validating and explained how I am feeling right now. I may print that out for him - thanks 

Jen


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

A few days on and I'm still thinking - this isn't going to work. I am walking around feeling so sick and have a permanent headache.

I was already really struggling with the amount of verbal abuse he had thrown at me over the years, the shouting and name calling etc. All the guilt trips, put downs. I had already given my all (and too much of myself) before he decided it was a really great idea to go visit a prostitute for his birthday.

You know, I wanted this to work, I really did. I wanted my kids to grow up in a stable home and for me to grow old with my husband but it is no longer possible. I cannot get over this amount of abuse and now this sick betrayal. A prostitute for goodness sake and unprotected as well. To him it is just 'one small thing'. 

I am going to give this a few more weeks just to be entirely sure that my feelings are not going to change and then tell him that there is no hope of reconciliation.

I am scared for the future and that my children will be scarred from this but I have to move on.

Jen


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