# Yet Another... (kind of) sexless marriage



## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

Hey all, I'm new here and I've been trolling and reading a lot of your posts. I was very glad to stumble across this place as it seems there are A LOT of people in similar situations and talking to you will probably be a big help... my situation is a bit different than most so here it goes... 

I have been married for 5 years and I love my wife sincerely. When we were dating, before children we had fantastic sex, in public, on lunch breaks, etc. etc. Over the past couple years she has become completely cold... I started reading forums like this one about 2 years ago and trying to "be a better husband" be less angry with the kids... be more sensitive to her "emotional needs" all of the stuff I've read will help fix the problem. 

We still have sex fairly regularly but it's more of just her going through the motions to keep me from bringing up the lack of intimacy for discussion... I can't even remember a time she took any kind of lead whatsoever in the bedroom. This DRIVES ME INSANE!!! She will lay there and let me get her aroused, have sex and that's it. It's very routine and it's always me doing all the work... I don't want a blow up doll... I want an equal partner. 

I have begged her to tell me what she wants me to do to her for pleasure... I have told her I would do ANYTHING she desired even if it was something crazy I would do it for her... in hopes that she would reciprocate. Nothing phases her there are nights when I just want to lie close to her or kiss her... we never kiss... she hates it. When I try to kiss her she pulls away... I don't need constant sex but I want to be intimate with my wife.

The last time we had sex about a week ago, I asked her again why she doesn't like to be kissed or just held naked... and her exact words were "I'm just not that into it" 

This hit me like a ton of bricks. Do I have any hope whatsoever? Should I just start looking for a new woman? Not to brag or seem overly confident but I take good care of myself and am an attractive guy I'm in great shape and I have plenty of opportunity to cheat if I wanted to but would rather not live dishonestly if I can avoid it... Other than the fact we have virtually no physical contact our marriage is great, we have great kids, we have money for the things we need... etc. etc.

Sorry for the rambling post, but I'm at a total loss at this point and hoping there are some people here who have been through something similar that could offer suggestions.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Dude, I'm in the same place as you. My wife & I's sex life is fairly routine and regular, and rarely what I would consider hot. I'm the only one that actually wants "it", and if she does initiate it, its out of duty not out of any need. She's not sexual or romantic at all anymore. She just goes through the motions. 
I used to be as frustrated as you, but these days, I'm more resigned to the fact that this is the way it is. There's nothing I can do to spice it up. 
But don't cheat. You'll regret it - and if you have children, do you really want them to know that their father cheated on their mother? My dad cheated on my mom, ALOT, and you do not want them to have that low opinion of you. Regardless, you'll never be able to replicate the passion that you and your wife once shared because you wont have those type of feelings with some random chick you meet somewhere. 
Tell your wife how you feel, perhaps write it out clearly like you did here, but at the same time have understanding that your wife isn't wired like you are - and perhaps its unrealistic to expect her to be the personal porn star she once was when they have so many demands on her.
Trust me, if anyone feels your pain, I do - I TOTALLY understand what its like, how it makes you feel alone and unwanted. When you crave something so desperately, and you get token, half-hearted gestures of intimacy. But we have to catch ourselves from going down that road of self-pity and understand what the meaning "for better or worse" means. 
Hopefully your wife meets you halfway.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

For people with a fear of intimacy sometimes the excitement and novelty of being in a new relationship can mask this fear and it is only when the relationship gets really serious and stabilizes as in a marriage does the fear emerge. Often the fear is subconscious and the only awareness the person has is a feeling of sudden discomfort during intimate moments. If this is the case here then it would have happened no matter who she married. There is also probably a history of this in past relationships. And the root cause is usually some kind of trauma in childhood and the family of origin.
These people like and enjoy sex but only in either a new or an arms length type relationship. The children of alcoholic parents are particularly susceptible to this.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

For my wife it was depression and low vitamin D. After a trip to her Dr. where he prescribed Supplements and a prescription, our lives have truly changed. We've enjoyed a sex life like we haven't known in 15 years.
If you live someplace where there's little sunshine this time of year or if she feels overwhelmed and life is out of control, then meds may be the answer.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

could definately be medical. try pulling away a bit, dont be so available or willing and aggresive. act like you dont want it either, and stop providing for her needs so much. she may view you as an unexciting doormat.


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

Whatshisname said:


> For my wife it was depression and low vitamin D. After a trip to her Dr. where he prescribed Supplements and a prescription, our lives have truly changed. We've enjoyed a sex life like we haven't known in 15 years.
> If you live someplace where there's little sunshine this time of year or if she feels overwhelmed and life is out of control, then meds may be the answer.


This is great advice. Thank you!!

(truly appreciate all the other responses as well)


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

HA I literally just made a post about this myself. Your wife sounds like my husband....I hope we both get the advice we're looking for.


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