# Need guidance to help a marriage



## Leadmann12g (Apr 3, 2013)

As a first time user, I wish I had found this site much earlier. I've read some very interesting responses. Here is my story. 

My wife filed for a divorce this past August 2012. There had been no infidelity, no abuse, no addiction issues or the like from my position and I believe, from my wife's, too.

I have been unemployed for a while, taking some under the table work, just to have some money. What little I’ve earned, I’ve tried to put some back into the operation of the family. I have continued searching, however, with this economy, I don't see a great ROI for my efforts. Two years before, my efforts were not as strong as they have been for the past two years. Our finances were wearing on my wife and was an issue that brought us into counseling. With self-esteem at a low, I communicated less; felt that my lack of financial contribution with the family did not permit me to be part of the decision process, which further decreased my self-esteem. We tended to have pride and ego driven arguments that ended up as self-pity moments for me.

Twenty-four years ago, our relationship was great. We vowed never to leave an argument open over night and maintained this. Several years in, we decided to start a family and had two girls, less than three years apart. My job was becoming stressful and advancement was not on the horizon. She (and I) noticed that my frustrations over work often came home. In turn, some of this started to rub off on the family. I attempted solutions and the relationship went on with its difficulties. 

I began to notice fewer opportunities for intimacy as she would 'not be in the mood' or was ‘too tired’. We did share family and household duties. We still tried to make time, and tried to infuse new things in our sex. We put a lot of time into the kids, but we began to understand that we weren’t allowing ourselves times together. We really didn’t have nearby family, as many do, who could babysit, so that we could make some alone time. However, the family went on and we did what we could. It wasn’t perfect and we tried to work with it.

Our oldest went through come counseling for some impulsivity issues (later to conclude it as ADD). I, too, learned that I had ADD. I did a lot of introspection and I saw things that I needed to change in me and the way I expected my daughters to be. I was very willing to do this for the sake of the family and for me. As an analytical person, I started to learn and recognize the situations (I called them ‘Triggers’) that tended to escalate a reaction or an argument (i.e., how one daughter would respond to my simple request to do something, or how an expectation of mine would be treated and accepted). I learned better ways to respond and in the end, has taught me better management of my own emotions and reactions.

About two years ago during a therapy session, my wife stated that taking responsibility for the financial wellbeing of the family placed her under enormous stress and unless I had a job by the end of (April) I would not sleep in the same house. The deadline came and went, despite my increased efforts, and I ended up sleeping in a spare room friends of ours had. I slept there, however, I would return to our home for all of the normal day-to-day things, then leave for the night. This put a large, motivational fire under my butt and I steamed ahead. However, it also gave me time to examine why our family needed repairing. 

I tasked myself to be as objective as possible. Then it hit me on day. Communication was the issue. After the birth of our first daughter, I was in a good job, but with bad managers and expectations. I also learned that my untreated ADD likely played a role in my initiatives and performance. Concerned, my wife tried the best she could to persuade me to leave that company. I was finally making a good salary, but I also began to question my ability to just quit and go elsewhere. I was in a battle of pride, apprehension and risk taking. My wife was telling me in supportive ways (in retrospect), that the job wasn’t healthful, was causing me to be more irritable and defensive. I saw this, but for the first time, I felt I was finally in a position of responsibility and good income! “I’ll just stay a little longer.”

This fed a rift in the communication between us that was beginning to widen. What I realize, today, is that we loved each other and our kids, but intimacy was taking a hit because communication was shutting down (due to pride and temperament). I would try to initiate even the least sexual thing like massage, and she would likely not respond because she was emotionally off. I tried and tried, with some success, but I was also inclined to be turned off from just her body language in bed. Sex didn’t dry up, but it was definitely not on the menu. I began to accept that sex was on her terms, even when I hoped some closeness might help. I became complacent and to avoid the rejection, stopped trying. 

I was too stubborn, (and maybe she, also), to stop and talk about things and get at the root of problems, early, and resolve them. I believe that she just became frustrated that I wasn’t listening to her pleas. Life went on, our physical, sensual and sexual drives becoming a chasm that needed to be repaired. Had the life drained out of the relationship? No, I didn’t see or want that and I believe that she, too, wanted to find a resolution. 

This is what I felt was the root of the problems. I understand my responsibility in the mess and as mentioned above, understood that I needed to reform my communications techniques. I realized that I had to stop taking her responses and opinions as an affront to my opinions or directions, as though mine weren’t valid. I had already begun working on dealing with the kids. I was using more assertion techniques to help.

I believed so strongly in the revelation that I brought it up in counseling. I pleaded with both that we needed to address the health of the relationship, and that the goal of driving my job search had been accomplished. I had a commitment to keep and a goal to reach. However, I became frustrated that my wife would not agree to me coming back to our marital bed; after all, I had modified my behavior for seeking employment. I continued to honor my side of the ‘bargain’ from two years earlier, though. Nevertheless, I remained frustrated that the emphasis was not placed on serious marriage counseling. I desperately wanted our relationship and our marriage to heal so that we could begin anew with better communication. 

My wife began to see a psychologist, a woman, who dealt with ‘woman’s issues’. Initially, I believe that it helped her through the death of a close mutual friend. However, there was a nagging feeling I had, that our marriage was being discussed and I was not a part of those discussions. Last July, when my wife told me that she was filing for a divorce, I felt that I had been betrayed. Whether valid or not, I believed that the psychologist played a part in my wife’s decision. That she made judgment calls about me to my wife, without meeting me, or knowing of any of my drives and efforts to heal our marriage and the relationships within the family. All my wife would say was “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” As an aside, our first counselor wrinkled his eyebrows and questioned what this meant. 

Today we are better at communicating things. I recognize when certain ‘triggers’ present themselves and deal with them appropriately. We appear to be in a more stable mode. It’s not perfect, I admit. However, I believe that marriages continue to evolve, that compromise is essential and must always be accommodated. I also recognize that we all change over time. We will harbor an essence of what our spouse saw in us years before, but we will all change. With hope and mutual support, we will change for the better. I’ve learned, too, that no marriage is perfect. Most adjust, many won’t and then there are some ideal unions. Even the latter will not be perfect, however.

Nevertheless, the ‘separation’ and looming divorce festers. I am so upset with myself, that I can’t approach my wife and tell her that I still love her and can we seek counseling with a real marriage and family counselor, to learn things we’ve lost or forgotten. I suspect that my fear is based on the conjecture that her psychologist has gotten her to believe that the marriage is over, that ‘love’ and ‘in love’ are never the same, nor worthy of repair or that women don’t need men who aren’t able to contribute to the income of a family. Perhaps more deeply, it is the fear of rejection by the woman that shared my life, good or bad, for twenty-four years.

I’ve seen so many other marriages fail because of real, tangible issues like infidelity, addictions and abuse. Then again, I’ve heard the success stories of some where there was a recommitment to and relearning of the marriage. They are out there; I’ve read some posted on this site. I know it can be successful as long as the commitment to the relationship remains as the driving force.

Here are my questions, after such a long post, “How can I best succeed at convincing my wife to reconsider her decision to divorce? How do you convince them that it’s not a ploy to just to gain more time? How do you begin to rekindle the joys you once had? How can you convince your spouse to venture into joint counseling, even if they believe it didn’t help in the past?

My family first, I know my goal for employment and career is priority. I cannot falter here, even in this bad economy.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Marriage is so hard. I am going through a similar situation, though we aren't that far yet. I think your wife has made up her mind. Seems like she made minimal effort to fix things. My brother spend so much money and time on marital counseling, when the whole time, her mind was made up. Marriages can't survive when only one spouse is putting the effort in. That's where I am. I'm tired of telling him I need to feel wanted, I need to know how he feels about me, whether he even wants us to work. Here I am, sitting next to my dying father 6 hours from him and he STILL can't give me anything to get me through this - no I love you, I'm here for you, nothing. He's texted me twice in a week and has not called me. This may be the last straw. Spouses can be cruel, and we shouldn't have to live our lives that way.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Communication was NOT the issue. Your sex rank went way down when you failed to be the breadwinner for your family.

You were banished, and most likely replaced with a new sexual partner.

All the signs are there....


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Thoreau said:


> All the signs are there....


"All" the signs is a bit of a stretch. But I do agree, his sex rank dropped and she lost interest. 

She may have found someone new. But it is also possible that she is being 'honorable' and ending the marriage before she searches for a new mate. 

Net result is the same, the variable is do you have competition from another male, or just yourself. So, up your rank.


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## Leadmann12g (Apr 3, 2013)

Very Sad said:


> Marriage is so hard. I am going through a similar situation, though we aren't that far yet. I think your wife has made up her mind. Seems like she made minimal effort to fix things.... .Marriages can't survive when only one spouse is putting the effort in. .... Spouses can be cruel, and we shouldn't have to live our lives that way.


Thank you, all. First I should apologize for such a LONG post. My intention was to give a brief, but clear, background. It's tough to give good feedback, if you don't know enough.

Very Sad:
My thoughts go out to you regarding your father.

This the issue of communication, that since served with the papers, I wasn't sure if we would now be on legal, adversarial terms. In reality, WTF. Why not talk with her? What do I have to loose?

But with low esteem and confidence levels (from NOT being a financially supporting partner at the moment) I can only offer promises (that things will get better, i.e. a job), while she holds the money cards. Whose opinions and reason will win out?


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## Leadmann12g (Apr 3, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> Communication was NOT the issue. Your sex rank went way down when you failed to be the breadwinner for your family.
> 
> You were banished, and most likely replaced with a new sexual partner.
> 
> All the signs are there....


Thanks for your reply. While I understand what you're suggesting, I don't think that you understood what I had written.

Sex, was held hostage, NOT because of the financial issue, but because ( I believe) her response to my actions and how I responded to her and the kids. Sex occurred throughout the marriage (and within a year of her serving papers). When I would try to 'make-up' or calm a tough day (work stress, my low drive to the job search, etc.) her response was "too tired", "I don't feel in the mood when you are (that) way with (whoever)". 

I learned from a much earlier relationship, that... lets call it 'relationship paranoia' was very unproductive. Thinking that she was running around with another guy does nothing but drive one nuts. I stated to her and our counselor that maybe this was an issue. The therapist (from working with her) didn't suggest or imply that she was doing this. Yea, I still question it, but I don't believe that there is opportunity.

If anything, she hangs our with women friends who are divorced. If anything, this is more of an issue, as at least one has had a bad relationship and I doubt she would recommend reconciliation to her.


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## Leadmann12g (Apr 3, 2013)

Acoa said:


> "All" the signs is a bit of a stretch. But I do agree, his sex rank dropped and she lost interest.
> 
> She may have found someone new. But it is also possible that she is being 'honorable' and ending the marriage before she searches for a new mate.
> 
> Net result is the same, the variable is do you have competition from another male, or just yourself. So, up your rank.


Thanks for the response, Acoa.

As I mentioned to Thoreau, I believe he misunderstood what happened from the beginning. In trying to give enough details, some points may have gone un or under stated.

There was sex in the relationship (likely not as much as a guy would like, but probably an 'average' amount. Trying to remain objective, communication about problems, money, issues, political beliefs, et.al. faltered. The job/career problem and the stress from this and the financial loss likely pushed her.

Up to a few months before she filed papers, she expressed to me that this could turn around. But it rested on me finding work.

I've entertained the notion that as long as my search continues, the relationship remains in limbo. Her settlement terms do not come close to what the laws of the state define. An oversight on her part, as this settlement did not come from her attorney. 

I continue to apply to positions on nearly a daily basis. I accept leads she finds (networking) and apply to those. Unfortunately, background, the economy, my age and likely other factors out of my control all go against me. But I continue to drive ahead. I made a commitment to her to get a job. I will not stop from achieving that goal, even with a looming divorce.

Thanks


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