# Getting over the triggers



## brknhrt (Feb 17, 2012)

I posted here about 6 months ago but I didn't really get any useful help. I am trying again because I am still having problems and therapy is not helping the way that it should.

To recap my story, I found out on Valentine's day that my father had been sleeping with my husband. It was really messy as my father went crazy and was trying to take my kids. I felt the ultimate betrayal and there were many days where I thought about committing suicide. I knew I had to divorce him and get my daughters away from him so that was my priority.

4 months into the divorce, my father passed and my husband tried to reconcile. Of course, that didn't work because I could never be with him ever again. Thanks God the divorce has been finalized. I thought everything would be easier at this point but it's still so hard. 

Everything I look at is a trigger. My daughters, my mother, my father's truck, and of course my ex-husband. Even the discussion of homosexuality is a trigger and I try to go the opposite direction when I hear someone talking about that. I have been receiving therapy and my daughters do not truly understand everything that has been happening. 

I am here because I want to know how can I cope with this triggers. I am no longer having suicidal thoughts but I am still miserable. I have not even thought about dating again because I'm thinking that will make things worse. Any help would be appreciated.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Focus on your children and try to see the world through their eyes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are many people here who have suffered from terrible events in their marriage. Yours has to be one of the worst I have seen, being a double betrayal.

There are people who have had success with some techniques for helping with triggers. 

Time helped me.

Have you thought that perhaps your therapist just might not be all that good? Time to try another one?


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## brknhrt (Feb 17, 2012)

I have been trying to focus on my daughters and I have considered switching to a new counselor. The latter is harder for me since she knows everything about our situation and she has helped me a lot to get through this. The problem is that I am being reminded of this every single day. The first thing I got rid of was my bed since I wasn't sure if they slept together in it. I'm hoping I can sell the house and move somewhere new to get a fresh start. Maybe that is what we need but this is still painful to think about.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

A fresh start in another home sounds like a good idea as that would remove many reminders and memories. 
Time is the best healer and you can't make that go faster so just try to fill it. Do lots of things with your daughters and try to make them physical cos exercise DOES help with your state of mind.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi BRKNHRT

There is an issue that you will need to be fully clear about. Here I speak from experience so I fully eperthise, truley I do.

Its a bit wordy Im sorry but it was explained to me by a mental health professional and has made it easier for me to take back control when triggers appear.

First of all you need to consider what we as humans do that is natural and in "normal cases" will not effect us. However, when dealing with depression, anxiety or both ( as they will normally go hand in hand) 
As a baby we have no speech. A baby (who is yet to learn to speak sentances) will play with blocks on the floor and be engrosssed fully in that task. However as we grow we start to run sentances through our heads, not talking allowed but actually talking to ourselves in out heads. As you read this youll see it happen. When an issue causes us a problem as you hav encountered we run the issue through our heads time and time again. This is normal. The adrenaline will flow as the thoughts cause a fight or fight scenario to take place. Again this is natural. The triggers you speak of in the marjority may never actually go away. God knows I wanted someone to take mine and begged for hypnosis to make me forget - That would never work. The barin will keep these, just hide them until an issue fires it up. What you will need to do is to ask the counselor to take you through techniques to manage the trigger(s). Often this is a system of forcing the mind to focus on another subject until the anxiety eases. It WILL take practice and it does work. I have to use the process sometimes daily when Im low. Some of the triggers you can change, moving home, getting rid of the bed etc. You will not get rid of them all. I.e. someone talks a a gay friend or homosexuality. This type of thing is around you 24/7. As many have already said (rightly) time will pass and the trigger effects will lessen. They never go but you then will start to take control of the effect and YOU WILL hit low points, that I can promise. It happen to me know and I know Ill use techniques and it will pass.

Good luck with it


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Acknowledge the thought that triggers you, and then bring yourself back into the immediate present with a distraction; do not allow yourself to follow the trigger path.

My IC told me to try that; I am going to try and take note of my own triggers, and try to avoid them if possible...of course, that's not possible with all triggers! Best of luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your counselor---may be good, and helping you, but maybe you need to find a counselor that specializes in the one thing you need----if you are in a large population center, check around, or, if not, see if your present counselor can't hone in, on this particular problem

You can't avoid the triggers, cuz they are out there in all shapes and forms---you already have some good advice, on this thread---unfortunately, your sub--conscious is your enemy whether you like it or not

You might try a diversion, when the trigger starts, such as wearing a large tight rubber band on your wrist, and when the trigger comes, or you know it is coming---snap the rubber band so hard it will cause you enuff pain to take your mind off the trigger


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You said you are no longer feeling sucideal, that show progress. This is mostly going to take time. I have been avoiding TV and movies to much betrayl. 

Focus on yourself and your kids. Exercise has helped me. Get rid of that truck! Why keep reminders like that around. By the way dating, I think it is to soon for that but getting out with friends would be great.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Try EMDR to deal with the trauma nad the strugth of the triggers.
Google it. It has been used for PTSD for while. It worked for many as they say.


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## jay80_98 (Jul 14, 2012)

This is a long road in grieving, healing and recovery. 
You gotta accept what you cant control
Let go of all that your holding onto that holds you back
Forgive on the spot 
Embrace the unknown

Look up the awareness exercise by roy masters be still and know and do it daily many times a day and over time you will find yourself growing stronger and more capable.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

brknhrt said:


> ...To recap my story, I found out on Valentine's day that my father had been sleeping with my husband.


 Jaw = dropped. 

I'm so sorry about your situation. 

I definitely don't feel qualified to answer this (having just had my D-Day) but first I'd get rid of the house, get rid of the truck if you can. While waiting for the house to sell, I'd probably also redecorate it - new paint, drapery, furnishings, bedding etc. and switch up the uses of the rooms (turn office/spare room into your bedroom or trade bedrooms with one of your daughters).

What about seeing a new therapist _in addition_ to your current one? That way you have someone with the history but also someone who can better help you with the issues you're having with these triggers? Was this the same counselor you saw when trying to reconcile? Maybe that's taking it's toll as well. 

Have you told your family doctor about this??? That's a lot of stress to be under and they might have some resources/information that your counselor doesn't.


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