# online EA?? Help me understand, please.



## #10 (Dec 4, 2011)

I am new here. I will just start with my story. Forgive me , it is long.
We have been married for a little more than 3 years. He is 62, I am 51. It was indeed a whirlwind romance. I believed he was my soul mate. We had lives before we met. I moved from the east coast to the west to be with him. I left everything behind and went because I believed it was the real thing. He is kind and educated and we loved being together sharing life.
I found out months before I married him that he was divorcing his wife. He had failed to mention to me that he was married. I believed him when he told me that they had not been together for 2 years (I know this part is true) and that he did not think he was ever going to be with anyone again. He said he stayed married to her so she and her kids could remain on his health insurance. I was so upset to find out that they were married. He was active in local government and knows everyone. I was the only one who did not know they were married.
So, yes, like a fool, I believed him when he told me he loved me and just wanted to be with me so badly that he was afraid I would not if I knew he was married.
Later, after we were married I was shocked to find out how many times he had been married. I knew he had grown children from 2 earlier marriages at this point. When I asked him how many times he had been married he did not want to talk about it. Once he actually said that he didn't remember!! ??
He did finally fess up and tell me. He also failed to accurately count. I found out from one of his friends who corrected me when I mentioned what number wife I am. When I confronted him about this, he told me how ashamed he is, that it is embarrassing to him. That he didn't want to think about his failures and he did not want me to think of him as such a failure. 
Then there is the one who he said he didn't remember. (His daughter told me about her) he said he had forgotten to mention her since they were not actually married. One day, there was a new facebook friend. I thought she was some family member I did not recall meeting at a recent family reunion, since she had the same last name as he. He was frustrated to have to tell me she was one of his ex's, that I already knew about her. No, I told him, she is the one you said you "forgot". So, she had been fb "friends" for more than a year, before he had so conveniently forgotten about her.
Now, this husband is kind and loving and very attentive. We are together a lot, since he is retired, but now has a part time retirement job. We do things together, he does things for my young adult children.
In September I found messages from him to several other women. Most of them were lightly flirtatious, but one woman in particular had more serious messages. He was sending her love notes, flattering comments, they were talking about art and music, sending each other music videos etc. He was sending her hugs and kisses, and signing notes Love, ...
He was telling her how beautiful she is and "I want to kiss your lips"... 
When I saw these I printed them out and confronted him. He could not deny anything. He said it was nothing, innocent, that he didn't realize how bad it looked until he saw it printed out like that. In the meantime, I find porn on his computer. Saved videos. That shocked me since I had no idea he was doing it. He claims to be an advocate of civil rights and women's rights. 
He begged me not to leave him. Swears to love me and only me. Asks me to please give him time to prove it. That he only wants me, for us to grow old together and take care of each other.
Yesterday, 2 months after finding out about his FB friend, I see there were messages to and from her on his email account. He says it was just to explain why he had discontinued communicating with her. 
I love him. His daughter assures me he loves me. Can this be repaired? What causes this behavior? Does he want to stay with me? or is this some thing he does to push me away? 
I just don't understand and don't know what to do with it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He sounds like a love addict. I would say he needs some serious help. He is cheating on you too, EA if not PA. I am sure he DOES love you, the problem is he also loves other women.


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## #10 (Dec 4, 2011)

PS: These women he had been writing to are in Europe, so no PA with them at least. Are these EA preludes to affairs? My heart is so broken, I don't know what to believe anymore.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Personally I don't really think an EA is 'better' than a PA. The whole purpose of most EA's is to eventually have sex with someone, or at least to whack off to pictures of someone else, or their voice, or their words, so I believe it's only a matter of time for EA's to turn to PA's.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Personally I don't really think an EA is 'better' than a PA. The whole purpose of most EA's is to eventually have sex with someone, or at least to whack off to pictures of someone else, or their voice, or their words, so I believe it's only a matter of time for EA's to turn to PA's.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

From personal experience, both are hurtful and wrong. And I also agree he needs some serious help.

How many times *has* your husband been married? What was the root cause of his previous divorces? If each divorce was due to this kind of behavior, only you can decide if it's worth it to go to MC or leave.


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## #10 (Dec 4, 2011)

I am #10. #11 if you count that he married one of them twice. It makes me sick to say it. I can't even remember all of them. When I found out I was devastated. How do you do that so many times? 
Cause of previous divorces are varied. None of them seem to be due to his infidelity, actually the others were the cheaters, or had some other issues, such as mental illness, drug abuse, etc. He seems to rescue women and their children. First marriage they were young and she just wanted to get away from home. I know he suffers too, and has had plenty of his own heartbreak. 
He tells me he has learned from this. I told him the pattern is EA then PA, he says that is not true, he is different, that he will not do this. That he can and will learn from his mistakes and that only our marriage matters. I have access to his emails and fb and whatever. Ha, but even I know how to create a new account and go stealth.
I don't know how to heal from this. I don't know if I can believe him anymore. He says he will prove to me, but how can he if I don't believe?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wait a minute. You are his tenth wife???? Oh boy. 

If you don't believe him, you just don't. That's it. Nothing will *make* you believe him. It's a leap of faith to trust/believe someone.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

#10 said:


> I am #10. #11 if you count that he married one of them twice.


Yeah. Let's call it 11 just for jollies.

And out of curiosity, how many times did you THINK he'd been married on your wedding day? We'd like to know how big this lie really is.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Married 11 times. Is that even POSSIBLE?


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## #10 (Dec 4, 2011)

I thought 4 times. Please, it hurts enough.


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

#10 said:


> I thought 4 times. Please, it hurts enough.


I am so, so very sorry to hear this. Man... he should have told you...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

He was marrying once every four years in his adult life, never mid the overlapping time taken for divorce and finding a new woman , loving her and then convincing her to marry. You are in last year according to the law of averages and your marriage seems to be following the pattern. Not telling you how many times he has married is very very deceitful. I think he is much more deceitful than you think he is. You will find out soon enough. This is a marriage built on lies


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## #10 (Dec 4, 2011)

Warlock, I have already done that math. I have also presented it to him. I have asked him if this is just what he does...how he does it. I would like to beat the odds.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what are you going to do, 10?


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## #10 (Dec 4, 2011)

I don't know. It all seems so unreal. At the moment, I suppose I will prepare myself to leave, but stick around to see if it can be healed? Wait and see, yet, prepare. I don't know where I will go now. I am so tired of starting over.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might want to look up and talk to a few of the others and listen to their opinions of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not a bad idea. I am sure you would hear a LOT of crazy things.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And I don't mean to sound offside but...have any of his exes died? And how? That is a LOT of ex-wives.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, no wonder he didn't want to tell you.

If you are considering staying with him, if it were me, him going to some serious counseling would be an absolute must. And once he knew why the hell he's been married that many times, MC for the two of you. If you decide to stay with him.

How could someone who's been married that many times EVER gain someone's trust?? I just don't know.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Some questions..

How did you meet him?

How long have you been together before marrying?

When you moved to be with him, did your family approve?(So that you can go back to them in worst case scenario)


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

#10 said:


> I thought 4 times. Please, it hurts enough.


I didn't ask in order to rub it in. We just needed to understand the depths of the deceit. I guess we get it now. He needs to show that he is willing to work REALLY hard to fix this.


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