# Crazy of me?



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yesterday we had the hurricane go straight through my area. 

Anyway, my current gf said I was crazy for this so I thought I would bounce it off the forum:

I offered to stay at my ex-wife's place with the kids (our youngest is 3) just basically because I kinda thought she was all alone with 3 kids.

I wasn't harboring any thoughts of reconciliation or confusing the kids or whatever. . .just thought she may feel stranded and alone (if this wasn't Hurricane Hype, let's say it was going to be the whopper they said it was).

Is this an unhealthy feeling to have towards my ex-wife? My gf thinks I am crazy because she just served me again, basically asking for all the things she didn't get in our settlement, she wants to audit my tax returns, etc.

I know. . .the whole thing does smack of big, giant dysfunction but am I just supposed to be constantly in a state of being pssed?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Yesterday we had the hurricane go straight through my area.
> 
> Anyway, my current gf said I was crazy for this so I thought I would bounce it off the forum:
> 
> ...


I'd want to protect kids, but I'd personally throw my ex in the eye of the hurricane!!! Yes, still bitter (he was abusive and after 10 years still doesn't leave me alone).
If I was gf, I'd be quite hurt at thought of you and ex huddled in the storm together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You haven't detached. Stop offering to stay over and be her hero. You guys are getting a divorce.

I also don't think you should be dating annyone if you have all these unresolved issues with your wife. At the same time, your girlfriend is setting herself up for this if she still knows you are married and has no problem with dating you with the status quo. Doesn't sound like a healthy person to me, IMO.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, my gf and I are talking this out today and I have come to a dysfunctional conclusion that until my ex-wife (I am divorced) is happily remarried, that I can't really feel settled about the whole thing.

I am not sure it's about detachment as much as "guilt."

I feel guilty for leaving her in the middle of a [hyped-up] hurricane with 3 kids and feel guilty that she doesn't have a social life, she doesn't have enough money to to stay in the house she is in, feel guilty for things over the marriage, for divorcing her when she was 40 and lowering her chances at remarriage.

I know it's crazy maybe but crap, I was raised Catholic, okay? Does anyone here understand that?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Well, my gf and I are talking this out today and I have come to a dysfunctional conclusion that until my ex-wife (I am divorced) is happily remarried, that I can't really feel settled about the whole thing.
> 
> I am not sure it's about detachment as much as "guilt."
> 
> ...



What was circumstances of divorce? Are these reasons or excuses? And I was raised boarding school run by nuns Catholic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> And I was raised boarding school run by nuns Catholic.


Oh, well, then you don't get the guilt thing. 

You would be rebellious. . .you see, I was just raised with CCD. . .just enough to make you feel guilty but not abused enough to rebel.



seriously though, I don't want to rehash my entire divorce drama, but I feel guilty about leaving her, about not making her happy, about not getting the job she wanted me to, about her being in a hurricane with 3 children, one small, about calling her the c word once during divorce, about not paying extra child support like she wants, and so on. . .feel guilty for me being able to have a cobbled relationship at least, and her not.

What's not to feel guilty about? Let's not even go there with the kids. . .


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you see the irony of you feeling guilty for wanting a divorce/leaving your wife but having a girlfriend while still married???

Did you leave her for the other woman/affair?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> Well, my gf and I are talking this out today and I have come to a dysfunctional conclusion that until my ex-wife (I am divorced) is happily remarried, that I can't really feel settled about the whole thing.


And that may never happen. It is possible that she will never remarry. Have you considered that? Then what?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Jellybeans,

No, I was true blue and faithful for 15 years. I only got the gf after marriage (well, after she started dating while separated, I did too, to a different woman - I would have preferred to have not dated until divorced).

Well, I solved this. . .perhaps impulsively but I talked honestly about my guilty feelings about her being alone with 3 kids, no social life, financially struggling, and so forth. . .so I said I was seriously considering if I got this new job where I travel during the week, I was going to take the kids every weekend and let my ex-wife develop her social life.

Well that didn't sit well with the gf so she told me good luck and I told her good luck too (and I mean it - she is a sweetie).

Honestly, I don't think I can move on until she's "settled" and "at peace" - you know? And a relationship is more important for women (right?) and my ex-wife is 42 and has a small shot at it, so why not let her have it?

I'm ambivalent about a relationship anyway for some reason. When she's "protected and provided for", then I think I can attach to a woman emotionally again, you know? Until then, guilt will probably prevent me.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> I know it's crazy maybe but crap, I was raised Catholic, okay? Does anyone here understand that?


Confirmed Catholic of many years right here. I get what your are saying about the guilt. Even if you were not the spouse who initially wanted out of the marriage, there is still that guilt of what could I have done differently for all of this not to have happened.

Others do not understand that although I am not and will not be with my ex-husband (besides the fact he also very rapidly remarried) I do not want to see anything bad happen to him. I also would never keep him from trying to be with our son during a time of crisis. I cannot image how I would feel if a catastrophic event happened while my son was with visiting with his dad for the weekend and I could not be there to ensure his safety as well. I know my ex-husband would feel the same way. 

Therefore there are times which we must swallow our pride and be there truly for our children. Even if that means being a halfway decent person to our ex-spouses.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Toto,

No, I get it. . .if I was in a relationship with you, and something bad happened, I would grieve with you. It's only appropriate.

I also have been around the block enough with dating to realize that the next woman I date, that baggage comes along for the ride. . .her worrying about the ex with this and that, the guilt and so on.

I tried to discuss it with her, that why didn't she have her estranged husband come over and camp on the floor with the kids and she said no way was he coming in the house. . .we just didn't seem to connect on the issue. She is hardly heartless either though. . .she's been through a lot with him being an abusive, alcoholic ex. But she saw it as a boundary violation.

The scope of this discussion is (and probably a topic for another thread):

Besides the obvious (child support, alimony), what obligations do we have to an ex-spouse?

I try to worry about all my ex's. I still check in on the woman I dated for 9 months while separated. Checked in during the hurricane and worry that's she's safe and protected. And I'll check in on this one unless she drops contact altogether.

I do'nt seem to have an ability to "attach" to just one any longer. The hard thing for me to sort out is this okay? Maybe I *am *happy being alone and caring for others at a safe distance?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Oh, well, then you don't get the guilt thing.
> 
> You would be rebellious. . .you see, I was just raised with CCD. . .just enough to make you feel guilty but not abused enough to rebel.
> 
> ...


Don't we just do what we want and go to confession and all is good? Just KIDDING.
I must have missed some classes because I wish all bad for my ex. Hmmmmm I think I should go to confession!
I'm 42 year old with young ones too (3 and 9 months plus 19 and 16). Social life isn't where it's at for me right now. I am married but if I wasn't, hanging around small circle of friends and home is where it's at for me. Monthly suppers with the girls...
It's tough to develop social circles as a 40 something year old with toddlers. Friends kids parents are in 20's, and friends my age have teens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Golfergirl,

Hey, I get it. Believe me.

My friend and I were talking and we both don't wonder if there is something very "primal" at all of this.

My gf give me her body. . .pretty basic female instinct to want "exclusive protection" in exchange, right? Except those aren't my children -hers - she's got 3, by 2 different fathers. My friend said he thinks I would have a screw loose if I wasn't worried about my kid's mother (my ex-wife) and my children during a catastrophe and I was at my gf's instead. It's not that I reject her children; it's just that I care more about my own until we were married and families were blended, I guess.

I guess men and women are going to have different viewpoints on this with sex doing the usual complicating.

I have to be careful though, golfergirl, with my plan of waiting until my ex-wife was "settled" did sound an awful like matyring myself, another Catholic trait .


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> Besides the obvious (child support, alimony), what obligations do we have to an ex-spouse?



For me, the obligation to an ex-spouse is to want them to be a good parent and all around stable person for sake of your children. I understand that may not be possible in every divorce situation. Especially where drug abuse is involved by an ex-spouse.

It is my belief that for our son to feel secure throughout his childhood, he needs to see that both his father and I are secure financially, mentally and health wise. My interpretation of those needs are; Financially, we have a roof over our heads, food in our tummies and clothes on our bodies. Mentally, my ex nor myself are a complete basket case. Neither one of us are so miserable it affects our ability to provide for our son. Health, we are for the most part healthy and can seek medical attention when needed.

That being stated, if for some extreme crazy reason my ex-husband truly had nowhere to go and needed a place to sleep, I would of course let him sleep on my living room floor (with the dog). LOL! I seriously doubt that situation would ever present itself, but it would be my responsibility to try and make certain my son would not be worrying where his father was sleeping at night. 

Again, I completely understand there are situations where this would not be an option if it would allow enabling an individual to live a harmful life for themselves and others.




Scannerguard said:


> I try to worry about all my ex's. I still check in on the woman I dated for 9 months while separated. Checked in during the hurricane and worry that's she's safe and protected. And I'll check in on this one unless she drops contact altogether.
> 
> I do'nt seem to have an ability to "attach" to just one any longer. The hard thing for me to sort out is this okay? Maybe I *am *happy being alone and caring for others at a safe distance?


The distance thing could very well be the position where you feel most comfortable to watch over everyone. Kind of like a lifeguard at the beach. It could also be a way of protecting yourself from being emotionally hurt. 

I’m in agreement with you that it appears more important to women to be involved in a relationship rather than single. I’m not implying men do not want to be in a relationship, but men also have cute titles which offer comfort to their single status. e.g.; “A Bachelor …. again.” Women just tend to get “Divorced”, “Single Mom”, or just plain “Divorcee.”

I’m curious if your worry for your ex’s mostly stems from guilt. Maybe you feel as if you should’ve been able to offer them more in a relationship? Could you be feeling guilt because the relationship did not progress beyond that of a boyfriend-girlfriend dating situation? Do you feel like each relationship you enter into should be striving for an end result of being married? Do you feel like until they have found a man to take care of them, you are responsible to worry about these exes because you were the last prospective man whom she thought was going to be “The One” to care for them? Do you tend to end the relationship and in general feel guilty for that?

Do not feel obligated to reply to any of these questions, just food for your own thought process.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I use the lifeguard analogy a lot because I was caught up in the cult of beach lifeguarding for awhile when I was younger (thus my moniker - they called me "Scanner" because I scanned the water like a robot) so maybe I do feel better at a distance, alone with my thoughts, making sure everyone is safe and happy.

So, that is pretty perceptive.

To answer all of those questions - they would be yes to all of them. 

I feel kinda responsible for all of them until they find someone so I have 3 on my hands right now.

After all, I had sex with them and women never let you forget that, right? Even though I am pretty sure my gf was really enjoying it, it's still a "gift" to a man, no? 

Sex and I owe them the rest of my life, no?


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> After all, I had sex with them and women never let you forget that, right? Even though I am pretty sure my gf was really enjoying it, it's still a "gift" to a man, no?
> 
> Sex and I owe them the rest of my life, no?



Maybe some women might feel this way, but I would hope the majority of women do not. 

For a lot of women I believe the longer she continues to have sex exclusively with a man, the more emotionally invested she gets. It’s harder for women to separate sex and emotions, tends to be a package deal there. While sex is often just getting a guy’s physical needs met, a woman may also be getting her physical needs met, but it tends to feed her emotional ones as well.

So ya, a woman can be way more into the relationship than a guy is if they are having sex together.

To cite an all time favorite quote, “Don’t shoplift the pootie from a single mom.” LOL!!! Seriously though, most single moms are selective in whom they share their beds with. However that still does not mean you owe them the rest of your life.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I did *NOT *kidnap the pootie from a single mom!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Alright. . .I did. . .I kidnapped the pootie from a single mom.


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