# Filling out a Separation Agreement



## Enemigo (May 5, 2017)

Hello everyone. This is my 1st post and looking for opinions or advice. 

My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years. We are both from completely different backgrounds. We met in Germany when i was out there for work. She is native to Germany and grew up there. I'm from New York. I have been previously married 2 times before this marriage. The 1st time was for 5 years and I had 2 boys with her. That marriage ended because I had cheated and had another child outside of the marriage. I dealt with it and overcame that. That was more than 13 years ago. The second marriage was a dumb thing and only lasted 6 months. She cheated on me and our marriage was annulled. Now I meet my current wife. She had a child from a previous relationship, he was 1yr at the time. We got together and found a place together and moved in. After 2 years of marriage we welcomed our son into the picture. Like many other marriages, we had out ups and downs. 

In 2011, I received a phone call from the Department of Human Resources where the mother of my son (who i had outside of the marriage) was arrested on drug charges. I was in Germany at the time and didn't want my son around drugs and didn't want him to be placed in the care of the Department. So I went over and was able to get custody through the court to have him as the custodial parent. I brought him back to Germany with me and into our home. My youngest at the time was only 1yr old and my step-son was 5. Initially there was lots of awkwardness for my son since he never met my current wife, youngest son and step son. He was only 8 yrs old at the time. After a few month with me, he really missed his mom and his other siblings (her other kids). So we made an agreement, that as long as she is clean and out of trouble, he can stay with her. I brought him back and they stayed together. I still maintain custody though through court order.

Fast forward to today. My current wife and I have been living apart for about 15 months due to work. I am in the US and she is in Germany with the kids. I was flying back and forth every other month to visit while awaiting a job in Germany. I finally found one and will be departing in 3 weeks. I received an anonymous phone call yesterday from a "concerned neighbor" who has said that the Department of Human resources (DHR) have taken the children again because their mom was under surveillance from DHR because they suspected she was back with drugs. So they tested her and she failed and they found METH in her system. So they took all her kids away. Right now my son and his brother are with one family member temporarily while their sister is with another family member. My son's mom is to have 45 days to get a new place, get a job, go through court mandated substance abuse counseling, etc. She has until 3 June to get everything in order. I am afraid to have my son continue to go through this. It's not the 1st time and I know it won't be the last. 

HERE IS WHERE THE DILEMMA SETS IN:

My wife and I have been having problems with our marriage. We would argue a lot and disagree. We do love each other very much, but our differences and stubbornness makes it really hard. She has been having a hard time with my step son, her biological son and school. He hasn't been doing good for many years and she has problems with the schools. When I explained to her what was going on with my other son and his mom, she said she couldn't do it. She doesn't have the emotional capacity to take on another child, especially one that has been through the background he has been. He is 13 now. My thing is, I as a father will not allow my son to be placed in foster care to be adopted by another family when I am able and capable of caring for him. So... My wife doesn't want me to take custody of him, but I do. 

What are your thoughts on this? Am I wrong for wanting to bring my son into the marriage? Is she right? Any advice will help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How well do you think your son would do if he moves to Germany? Moving to some place where he does not even speak the language could be pretty hard on him.

Would like to know more about that before I answer further.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You can't abandon your son when he is going to be sent off to foster care. You live in the States right now, so you need to take him. Can you keep the job you have in the states and maybe talk to your wife about her moving over to the states with you? Why didn't she come with you when you have been here? Were you separated due to marriage issues or simply work issues?


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## Enemigo (May 5, 2017)

Response to EleGirl: I work for the DoD and will be working on an Army installation. My son would be going to school on base with other children that speak english. I speak fluent German and will be teaching him as time progresses. I had a heart to heart with him and he has expressed that he wanted to come with me. His older brother dropped out of school and just got out of Juvenile detention and his older sister has also dropped out of school. My son is a smart boy and has been getting A's and B's. 

Response to Bibi1031: So she moved with me back to the states back in 2012, just last year she went back to Germany to enroll the kids in school over there (German school as they speak the language) as I was anticipating a job. The job prospect failed and led to this long delay of 15 months. In the meantime, I have gone back and forth every other month to visit and spend about 2 weeks at a time. This separation was not 100% due to our marriage issues, but it did contribute to the mutual decision. Maybe we both thought that some separation could bring us closer. Now she has a daily routine at her apartment there and I have mine. Since I accepted the job, I will be moving and not staying in the US. I will be in Germany as a civilian working for the Department of Defense. 

If this adds anything, the neighbor who contacted me advised that just 4 days ago, my son's mom (the one who failed the drug test for meth) tried to kill herself by overdosing on prescription pills. She wasn't successful. None of her kids were around her. Also, she has a younger child who was taken away about 8 years ago. She hasn't seen the child since. 


Hope this answers the questions.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Well, she is being selfish for some odd reason. A child is not a thing you can toss out of a parent's life. What will you do if she doesn't accept your son at her place? 

I know what I would do, but we are not talking about me, we are talking about you and your life decisions in regards to your loved ones.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm an Army brat and so am very familiar with the military school system overseas.

With the new info, I'd say take your son and go to your new assignment in Germany. That way you will be near both of your children. You and your wife can work things out. A change of scene in Germany might be a very good thing for him. I was in Italy for high school. We traveled all over Europe as it's easy for kids to do that with the trains. Then there is the great skiing in Germany. Sounds like a good thing for him to me. 

It's sad that she is taking the stance that she is taking. You son is part of you. Just like you took in her child when you two married, she should be willing to take in your child as well.

It's very hard to fix a marriage when you live so far apart. So being in the same country could help you fix things. If she does not want your son her the home where she lives, I suggest you get your own place with your son and go to court to get at least 50% custody. I don't know what the norm is in Germany, but hopefully you can get that. Maybe when she realizes that she will not be able to have her child with her all the time we will wake up to reality.

Can you get some marriage counseling when you are in Germany? I'm sure you can get it on base and off base. I'd suggest that.

There are two books that I think would helps as well: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". If both of you read them and do the work that they say to do, you might be able to fix your marriage. IMHO, these two books are worth hours/weeks of marriage counseling. They teach a couple how to talk to each other, how to compromise and how to meet each others needs.


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## Enemigo (May 5, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Well, she is being selfish for some odd reason. A child is not a thing you can toss out of a parent's life. What will you do if she doesn't accept your son at her place?
> 
> I know what I would do, but we are not talking about me, we are talking about you and your life decisions in regards to your loved ones.



I repeatedly told her that I can not stand to be a father who lets his child go to foster care. I'm not doing this to prove anything to anyone, but because he is my son, and my responsibility. This is the reason we are going to get a separation. I understand her trying to do what's best for her kids, but i'm also trying to do what's best for my son.


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## Enemigo (May 5, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Well, she is being selfish for some odd reason. A child is not a thing you can toss out of a parent's life. What will you do if she doesn't accept your son at her place?
> 
> I know what I would do, but we are not talking about me, we are talking about you and your life decisions in regards to your loved ones.





EleGirl said:


> I'm an Army brat and so am very familiar with the military school system overseas.
> 
> With the new info, I'd say take your son and go to your new assignment in Germany. That way you will be near both of your children. You and your wife can work things out. A change of scene in Germany might be a very good thing for him. I was in Italy for high school. We traveled all over Europe as it's easy for kids to do that with the trains. Then there is the great skiing in Germany. Sounds like a good thing for him to me.
> 
> ...



Thank you for the comments. Yes, Germany will be a great experience with him and he actually wants to go. I believe the issue is that my wife is scared that his upbringing in that household will have an affect on the children currently in the house. I tried explaining how I took in her son... but her response was that he was 1yr old, and my son is 13yr old. The plan is to get a separate place from where she lives. I just wish it wasn't like that. 

I guess throughout this whole ordeal, I'm not trying to come out as a victim here. I am clearly open to discussion on both sides, but when it comes to my children, the decision is simple and negotiation is not really on the table. I just won't allow my son to be around that environment anymore. This is the second time my son's mother has been busted for drugs and her mother as well. Its just a bad enviornment.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Good for you for wanting to be near your children even if you have to live apart from your wife. Hopefully, with time, she will come around and understand that children are not disposable or I need a break from them. That's not how things work with human beings that are not old enough to take care of themselves.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Enemigo said:


> Response to EleGirl: I work for the DoD and will be working on an Army installation. My son would be going to school on base with other children that speak english. I speak fluent German and will be teaching him as time progresses. I had a heart to heart with him and he has expressed that he wanted to come with me. His older brother dropped out of school and just got out of Juvenile detention and his older sister has also dropped out of school. My son is a smart boy and has been getting A's and B's.
> 
> Response to Bibi1031: So she moved with me back to the states back in 2012, just last year she went back to Germany to enroll the kids in school over there (German school as they speak the language) as I was anticipating a job. The job prospect failed and led to this long delay of 15 months. In the meantime, I have gone back and forth every other month to visit and spend about 2 weeks at a time. This separation was not 100% due to our marriage issues, but it did contribute to the mutual decision. Maybe we both thought that some separation could bring us closer. Now she has a daily routine at her apartment there and I have mine. Since I accepted the job, I will be moving and not staying in the US. I will be in Germany as a civilian working for the Department of Defense.
> 
> ...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I just posted a long post and it disappeared *sigh*

What about and international school with boarding facilities such as in Berlin or Cologne? Kids are from everywhere and speak English. It would alleviate your wifes burden and you would have him with you in Germany. He is old enough to board.


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## Enemigo (May 5, 2017)

aine said:


> I just posted a long post and it disappeared *sigh*
> 
> What about and international school with boarding facilities such as in Berlin or Cologne? Kids are from everywhere and speak English. It would alleviate your wifes burden and you would have him with you in Germany. He is old enough to board.


I believe your post still showed up above in the quote part. I don't think I would board him since I believe he needs that parental connection. Not saying his mom wasn't a good mother, but her habits and the people around him gave him a wrong illusion on how life should be. The last thing I would want to do is put him somewhere where he would feel like I just "dropped him off".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Enemigo said:


> I believe your post still showed up above in the quote part. I don't think I would board him since I believe he needs that parental connection. Not saying his mom wasn't a good mother, but her habits and the people around him gave him a wrong illusion on how life should be. The last thing I would want to do is put him somewhere where he would feel like I just "dropped him off".




Growing up I knew a lot of teens who were boarded at those schools. They were usually kids whose family had issues so they parked the kids in one of those schools. Let’s just say that most of the kids were fairly wild compared to those of us who went to either military schools or the non-boarding international schools.
I agree with you that your son is at a very critical age. With the issues with his mother and her life-style, he’s going to need a good, strong influence keep him on the right path. That’s going to take a lot of your time.

Will you need to travel a lot for your job? If so, who will take care of him when you travel?

By the way, I do want to put in a bit of a word for your wife. I married a guy who had custody of two children, daughter 10 and son 12. My son was 10 at the time. It turns out that their mother has issues with drugs and alcohol. My take on it was that they were just kids who needed to be loved. How bad could they possibility be? Well I found out how bad kids can possibly be. The drugs, the stealing, the sexual acting out. The kids are now in their late 20’s. SD has finally stopped the acting out. SS turns 30 this year, he will probably always be a problem. They both consider me their mother to this day. And I love them. But, in so many ways I wish I had never allowed them to move into my home. They disrupted my life, my son’s life and caused so much trouble. I feel horrible for letting that into my son’s life. He’s doing great now (graduates with his MS in Physics this month). But my step kids caused him a lot of problems.

I get where she is coming from. I don’t know your son so I don’t know if there she is over reacting or not.


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## Enemigo (May 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> By the way, I do want to put in a bit of a word for your wife. I married a guy who had custody of two children, daughter 10 and son 12. My son was 10 at the time. It turns out that their mother has issues with drugs and alcohol. My take on it was that they were just kids who needed to be loved. How bad could they possibility be? Well I found out how bad kids can possibly be. The drugs, the stealing, the sexual acting out. The kids are now in their late 20’s. SD has finally stopped the acting out. SS turns 30 this year, he will probably always be a problem. They both consider me their mother to this day. And I love them. But, in so many ways I wish I had never allowed them to move into my home. They disrupted my life, my son’s life and caused so much trouble. I feel horrible for letting that into my son’s life. He’s doing great now (graduates with his MS in Physics this month). But my step kids caused him a lot of problems.
> 
> I get where she is coming from. I don’t know your son so I don’t know if there she is over reacting or not.


I see your point.. and I totally get her point. I am in no way taking that from her. She is concerned with the possibilities of it happening, that my son might turn out bad and could be a bad influence on the kids. That still can't make me no want to take my son away from all of that. She continues to say that my decision is ruining the marriage and that i'm trading one son for another. Which is not true. I will be there just as much for my other son as well. I might not be the best husband, but I sure am going to be the best dad. At the end of the day, the kids are really all you have. At least that's how i look at it. She has me thinking that i'm doing something bad.. and i'm destroying the marriage based on my decision in which she says she has no say in.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> Well, she is being selfish for some odd reason. A child is not a thing you can toss out of a parent's life. What will you do if she doesn't accept your son at her place?
> 
> I know what I would do, but we are not talking about me, we are talking about you and your life decisions in regards to your loved ones.


I agree with you most of the time but I can forsee this woman taking care of the kid more than the father. The OP hasn't got a great history of committment or making the best choices so I can totally see where his current wife is coming from.

Usually the best interests of the child should prevail and dragging him half way around the world, to a totally new environment with a less than happy step mum is hardly the best way to go. He is now much older and at the age when it is difficult to adapt. 
On the other hand splitting up the family doesn't seem like a good option either. All kids will lose out including the US kid as the father will be too busy working to really have time to take care of the child and the children in Germany will lose out on seeing their father.

OP I think you have to really look at this from all angles and stop blaming your wife for her reaction. I guess she knows you much better than any of us and she seems to have genuine concerns. See if there is any alternative way that she would be happy with this.
Do not make the child the central issue to your marriage separation. Do you have parents who could take care of him in the US?


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## Enemigo (May 5, 2017)

aine said:


> I agree with you most of the time but I can forsee this woman taking care of the kid more than the father. The OP hasn't got a great history of committment or making the best choices so I can totally see where his current wife is coming from.
> 
> Usually the best interests of the child should prevail and dragging him half way around the world, to a totally new environment with a less than happy step mum is hardly the best way to go. He is now much older and at the age when it is difficult to adapt.
> On the other hand splitting up the family doesn't seem like a good option either. All kids will lose out including the US kid as the father will be too busy working to really have time to take care of the child and the children in Germany will lose out on seeing their father.
> ...


I see your point and appreciate your perspective. I have been in constant contact with my wife about this. I see her concerns, I know where she is coming from. I'm not necessarily putting the blame on her entirely, but we both are looking at this from the same aspect. She is concerned about the boys currently in Germany and concerned that a child (my other son) would potentially have a negative influence on the kids already there because of his background. Granted, he hasn't partook in any of those activities. In my point of view, I see my son being placed in foster care and as his dad, It is my responsibility to take custody of him and give him a more stable life. Sure, I work, but I work standard hours and will have time for him. His druggie mom worked as well, most of the time he was home playing video games while she did her thing. He has moved 6 times in the last 2 years, and has gone to 4 different schools because she was always chasing men. Maybe things will be a bit rocky to begin with when he comes with me, but ultimately he will no longer be around drugs, around inconsistencies, and around a troubled mom who has been arrested a few times.


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