# Is it normal... to want an exact opposite



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

After deciding that i've had enough, and after reading NMMNG, i've made a concious effort to "man up" but also to let my wife know what i'm doing (working on making me happy, not all the details obviuosly), but also expecting that she knows where i stand and that i expect a deeper emotional involvement from her.

it's been on the rocks for the past 2 years of so, and i've never felt like she's really into me. for a while, that meant try harder. well, i'm stopping that now. 

i've opened up to the idea that our marriage may not be salvageable, and that i'll need to move on. in fact, i'm almost certain of it. 

while i'm still making changes on my end, and hoping to see some effort from hers, i'm really starting to ask myself what it is I need from a partner. more often than not, i'm finding out that i want someone that is far from my current wife, that it's not even funny. 

is this normal? 

it's on the way out i'm afraid... we were having a discussion today, and she's noticed that i've pulled away some, and in our discussion she said "well you haven't really been meeting my needs lately, so i haven't wanted to try as hard"... can you believe that? 

it's always about herself... gosh, why is it so hard for someone to put 2 and 2 together and realize that i'm pulling away because i gotta make me happy... i've even told her that. 

anyway... i guess i just wanted to vent... i just find it odd that the more i think about i want, the less and less i want her.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

To answer the one question you asked about normalcy....I think it is a normal thought process, however something good I read is to write all the qualities that are important to you and mark what you are getting nw, and leave nothing next to the ones your are not, that just means improvement. Ask your spouse to do the same, it's almost like a needs analysis comparison, when my dh and I did this we bth wanted the same missing pieces just had them worded differently and by communicating that way, in an unheard manner it really allowed us to have some productive conversations and finally start to make progress
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It sounds like you've _both _been feeling resentful because _neither_ of you have been getting your needs met, but haven't discussed matters and tried to find a solution _together._

Do you really feel that things have gone too far for you both to sit down and discuss what those needs are, and make a concerted effort and commitment to meeting one another's needs, rather than doing it independently?


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Oh dear God NO..I do not want the exact opposite of me!

Ive had that twice and thats NOT why I picked them. THEY pretended to share my likes, humor, religious beliefs, politics, etc and turned out to be the opposite of me once I made the marriage commitment!

Im not one of those like on the movies who meets someone and we cant stand each other only to fall in love despite our differences. I want to find someone who is like me as much as possible but is in female form. 

I dont need that someone to agree with me on all fronts and I actually like healthy debates, etc. But unless the woman is at least 85% like me, we aint gonna jive


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

god... why am i so confused? 

we had a date night, and it was her turn to come up with the ideas... so we did stuff that she thought i would like, and while she wasn't spot on, the fact that she actually tried was quite endearing... 

i guess i keep wondering how much of this is "me" and how much of this is "her"... and there isn't really any clear cut answer...

making the decision to end things, isn't that supposed to be a concrete decision? do you guys ever have regrets after ...


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

People change. Sometimes couples grow together..and sometimes couple grow apart.

There's nothing wrong with feeling that both you and your wife are going in separate directions. It happens.

Right now you need to find out exactly what YOU want. Sometimes you like who the two of you are..and sometimes not.

Sounds to me like the two of you have spent a lot of time together and you're taking things for granted??

Maybe you'd like a relationship that was more work than your current one is. Or maybe you'd like one much easier so you wouldn't have to try so hard.

Again, the bottom line is..you need to do some soul searching..get yourself into counseling..and find out what exactly makes you tick in a relationship.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

interesting question ... have i taken the relationship for granted??? I certainly know she has, but i cherish the time we have together and love every minute of it (well, did at least). I guess i've always assumed that my mate would try as hard as I to make sure that each other were happy. she's happy, she gets most things that she wants, with the exception of things that are over the line for me. 

sex life is dismal, it's there... but not fun or exciting. 

in all of my intospection, i've seen a lot of things that i have done that contribute to the problem we are having now... but i keep wondering if/when that gets fixed, if we would be anywhere different. looking into the future, i don't see things really being any better... although there is a glimmer of hope every once in a while. 

i'm not old by any means, but i don't want to go down this round, and 2 years later, find myself 31 and in the same spot i'm in now. single. from a practicallity standpoint, it makes sense to move on now if things aren't going to change. 

it's that "what if" factor that's killing me. on both sides, "what if" things do get better, what does life look like then. "what if" things don't, what does it look like then. 

when i'm home with her, i'm enjoying the time, but when i'm at work, all i can think about is how resentful i am towards her for not being giving... she's a taker. she'll take, and take, and take, until you don't have anything less to give... overdrawn. 

manning up will change that i suppose, as will setting up and reinforcing behavior. 

i guess the question is... i can very easily look at myself and say "i need to change x, y, z, etc to make sure things work out". seeing me there, and no change in the wife, i don't think i'll be any happier. i'll feel more in control of me and my life, but i don't see the "taker" attitude going away. 

ahrrrhhrggghgh ... i have no idea how to express how i'm feeling right now... it's all knotted up inside... mixed emotions... hatred and resentfullness, along with love and lust, happiness... how the hell does that even happen. 

i need someone to set me straight... people... give me a bone here. i know people have been here before, what did you do to clear your head, and think level about the situation you were/are in... 

i've done more stuff by myself lately, as suggested in the nmmng book, and on one hand i find it kind of relaxing, but the other it's very intense, mentally. it's just racing. 

i'm a problem solver by nature... i think very analytically, practically, and am very solution minded... it's what makes me very successful. i pride myself on being able to quickly determine the best course of action to solve a particular set of challenges... why can't i do that now. i feel borderline retarded (don't take offense anyone) because i can't think clearly about this stuff... my brain just doesn't seem to work.

/rant.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*i can very easily look at myself and say "i need to change x, y, z, etc to make sure things work out". seeing me there, and no change in the wife, i don't think i'll be any happier.*

Make changes to yourself because it's the right thing to do, FOR YOU. She may or may not notice and appreciate the changes, which COULD spur her to make some changes in herself, knowingly or not. The point is, once YOU get to a good, confident place you will benefit one way or another. Either your relationship will improve, or you will be better prepared to deal with divorce. You would (supposedly) be a better man going forward either way.

Do it for YOU.


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