# He thinks we are "even"!?



## ldbg102 (Oct 15, 2010)

I'm been reading threads on here since May of this year. 
Here's some background on my situation:

Together 6 years, married for 4 years. 

I am aware of my contribution to the breakdown of our marriage. I even apologized to him for my part. 

So April was our 4th Anniversary and I spoke with him about how I think we should both be treating each other better and I was tired of the fighting. We went out and had a great Anniversary Weekend (or at least I THOUGHT it was great). 

A month later, I pick him up from training (he's in the Army), where he'd been since February. We did not speak the entire 4+ hours back home because of his tone towards me and I shut down. 

A few days later, SOMETHING in me decided to ask him if he was leaving and he said "Yes"...He said he wanted a separation, I tried to talk him out of it and asked if he could stay home while we worked on things. He insisted he wanted to go to his sisters house for a few weeks. 

Well fast foward a couple of weeks/months and I check his e-mail and find a plane ticket to Florida. After some investigating I found out he went there with another soldier he had met while in training and they slept together. I was HEARTBROKEN. As soon as I found out he asked me if I still wanted to be married and he said he was sorry for what he'd done and he never wanted to hurt me. Well we've been going through this rollercoaster for months. He hasn't really had the chance to "stay" at his sisters because his job requires him to travel a lot lately. 

Last month he told me he wanted to try and work things out. He moved in to the new place that I acquired and we had a HUGE blow out, because my expectations of his attitude may have been a little high. I expected him to beg for MY forgiveness and behave differently. I found out he was still calling the girl who he cheated on me with. She's all the way in GERMANY and he still calls her. I contacted her and she said she was sorry for what happened between them and that she was in a relationship and did NOT want to be with him and he knew that. 

I went out on a date while we were separated (no sex no kissing). Just someone to meet and make a friend. The guy called me at 10 pm and my H went crazy. He cried for hours (until 4 am) thinking I had been messing around on him (saying "I KNEW IT") and wanted to know who he was and how long it's been going on. Little did he know I just met the person and I only went out with them on one "meet and greet". That night he apologized to me for everything he had done and the next morning he apologized again, but told me I needed to let him know what was going to happen between us. I was so angry I told him "I don't know". 

I had to drop him off for more training. The whole 1 hr trip he "reminded me" of how he use to drive home and couldn't wait to see me. He kept holding my hand and kissing it. 

During the training he called and texted loving things. When he came home he had flowers and a card and asked me "Are you still mine?" ...I'll admit I was still hurt and I probably didn't help the situation because I was still a little stand offish towards him. I asked him to understand though and he said he did and he knew I was being distant, but he knew why. 

A few days later, his "attitude" returned (probably because of mine) and I got into his phone records and found he had been texting and calling women between 9pm - 1 am. I contacted the women and they said "they were just friends of his and there was nothing going on between them. And they occasionally talk about what's going on in their lives". 

I recently confronted him about calling these women and he said that I'd been doing the same thing for years and he didn't understand why it's ok for me to have male friends and he can't have any female friends. I tried to explain to him that I don't have the phone numbers of my male friends (it's just people I follow on facebook and I've known them since middle/highschool) and I definately don't text them between 9pm -1 am. 

So going deeper into our convo I find that he believes that prior to our separation that I CHEATED ON HIM!? THIS IS UN-TRUE!!! He will NOT believe me. No matter what I say or what I do, he has made up his mind that the reason why I treated him so badly was because I was in a relationship with someone else. So now he thinks "we are even". I feel like I've been accused of a crime that I did NOT commit and now his whole attitude from me is completely different from the man I married. He's rude and snappy now and doesn't seem to care about how much he's hurt me. 

I asked him if he wants to be married and he said Yes and he only wants to be married to me, but that "I" need to change some things about my attitude. I don't doubt that,but how can I make him believe that I've never cheated on him so that he can appreciate me a little more than he does right now?

Sorry it was so long. I've been holding this in for a long time. 

Thanks for you help.


----------



## ldbg102 (Oct 15, 2010)

Our whole conversation last night seem to be tit for tat with him. Like he's doing things now to make me feel the way I made him feel years ago and that I'm only upset "now" because it's being done to me. I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to hurt him on purpose and that I feel like his doing this to "punish me". 

I DID tell him that he has to stop contacting these women if he wants to be with me and if he can't then he can move out and go be with the women who really loves. His answer was "you already got rid of them for me, they don't mean ANYTHING to me, I could care less" ...as soon as you called them, they all called me and told me you were "crazy"? Why am "I" crazy for trying to find out the relationship between my husband and these women whom he met while we were "separated"? 

How can I get him to realize this isn't a healthy way to rebuild trust in our relationship?


----------

