# I am able to view his texts.



## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

Ok so here it goes. My husband cheated on me while I was on vacation, wanted a divorce then decided he didn't. He does not know I am able to view all of his text messages. Sense I have been back he has texted I man and he has also spoke with the women he cheated on me with. Until yesterday he was denying the affair ever happened. He said he is wanting to change and has decided to stop his foul play and strip club sprees. 

So yesterday I told him for us to move forward he needed to come out and tell me the truth about everything. He admitted to cheating on me while I was on vacation but continues to say that he has not spoke with her sense (mind you I can read his texts and see his call log). I told him to swear on our child and that is when he admitted he has talk to her 1 time sense. Now I have the texts he was talking about having intercourse with her and spoke on the phone again 11 days later. Also still will not admit to texting another man even though I asked have you text, called, or cheated on me with anyone. What should I think?


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Walk away and don't ever look back.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You should think your husband is dishonest and continues to lie and "trickle truth" you. He is a classic cake eater.

How many more times before you decide enough is enough?


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

ok well you are both clearly men. do you think the strip club is to over compensate for feelings toward men this is the 3rd time I have discovered him talking to men? he says he does it to be funny and because he is board and because the women on craigslist charge for you to just talk to them...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

redheadfirecracker said:


> Ok so here it goes. My husband cheated on me while I was on vacation, wanted a divorce then decided he didn't. He does not know I am able to view all of his text messages. Sense I have been back he has texted I man and he has also spoke with the women he cheated on me with. Until yesterday he was denying the affair ever happened. He said he is wanting to change and has decided to stop his foul play and strip club sprees.
> 
> So yesterday I told him for us to move forward he needed to come out and tell me the truth about everything. He admitted to cheating on me while I was on vacation but continues to say that he has not spoke with her sense (mind you I can read his texts and see his call log). I told him to swear on our child and that is when he admitted he has talk to her 1 time sense. Now I have the texts he was talking about having intercourse with her and spoke on the phone again 11 days later. Also still will not admit to texting another man even though I asked have you text, called, or cheated on me with anyone. What should I think?


I think you already know what you should think and what you should do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Men and women both? Why are you even hesitating?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

What do YOU think about all this...?


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

Q tip said:


> What do YOU think about all this...?


well I am really fed up with it but am I just being stupid because the texts on his phone don't say he is cheating they say he wants pics and only conversant with them. He has never had any indications of meeting up with these men but never know right...


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

redheadfirecracker said:


> well I am really fed up with it but am I just being stupid because the texts on his phone don't say he is cheating they say he wants pics and only conversant with them. He has never had any indications of meeting up with these men but never know right...


He's already cheated. So check that one off.
Texting, Pics, whatever... Check that off.

What's left then...? Strip clubs and men?

Now sure what you are looking for. Not much left.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Which country do you live in?


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Which country do you live in?


united states


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

Q tip said:


> He's already cheated. So check that one off.
> Texting, Pics, whatever... Check that off.
> 
> What's left then...? Strip clubs and men?
> ...


so pretty much its a done deal he has most likely slept with men????


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

my other thing is how do I confront him with knowing about the texts if I want to go to marriage counseling and try to get him to confront these urges?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

What a mess.

Wait? Did you say, "...when *I* went on vacation..." ???

What's up with that?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Texting/phone conversations/asking for pic IS cheating. Needs to be treated for sex addiction...marriage counseling will not go anywhere until he stops any and all illicit sex-seeking behavior and gets help.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

why didn't he go with you on vacation?


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> What a mess.
> 
> Wait? Did you say, "...when *I* went on vacation..." ???
> 
> What's up with that?


yes me and my son went to go visit my family.
he works construction and never will ask for time off because he says it will screw all his coworkers. even though he does have pto he refuses to use it or his vacation time.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Why the song YMCA just came started playing in my head is beyond me.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I guess I don't understand. He sexts/ texts women and men, goes to strip clubs. Cheats physically on you. Wants a divorce. Lies constantly. 

What's the question again?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

redheadfirecracker said:


> he says he does it to be funny and because he is bored and because the women on craigslist charge for you to just talk to them...


So when he's bored he likes to engage in sexual conversation with other men? That's interesting, I usually like to talk about how the local sports team is doing. Maybe when he was texting about "wide receivers" he was talking about football? Maybe not...

At best, he's bisexual and good luck with that. It's bad enough trying to keep tabs on 50% of the population with a serial cheater but now EVERYONE is a suspect. At worst, he's gay has no interest in you sexually as a women and is in hard core denial because of the shame he feels.

Either way, I'm not really sure what kind of advice you're looking for. You CAN'T fix him. He's a PROVEN liar and cheat. He clearly has ZERO respect for you. Are you waiting for him to tell you to f*** off? File for divorce and move on. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. He's unsalvagable and you're just wasting time on a marriage forum better spend on a dating website looking for someone else.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Whatever you end up doing. Please do not confront him yet. Take your time. Gather more evidence. Wait until you have undeniable proof of what he is doing. Evidence will not help your marriage but it will benefit you in the divorce. 

He has a thing for men. Clearly. YOU cannot fix that...... So gather information, and prepare financially.....


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

OP, ever heard about STD?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

WhiteRaven said:


> OP, ever heard about STD?


I'm sure she has. She's confused and hurt and asking for advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Quick question... You mentioned this above...



redheadfirecracker said:


> yes me and my son went to go visit my family.


Is _your_ son _his_ son? IMO you should leave and not look back either way but, if the answer is no, well then that just makes it a bit easier for all of you.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

People are often quite blunt on here. That's because they have experienced the same hesitation to move on, desire to fix the situation, followed by drawn out drama and misery that seems to never end frequently mixed with discovery of new or underground affairs.

You have presented enough in just a few sentences that many will say there is just no way this ever ends in a happy marriage. They would save you a lot of pain and lost time. Only problem is, you are not able to see that right now. Most people need to live through it to understand it. It is the rare and lucky individual who can see it NOW. 

You have a husband who doesn't want a married life. There are aspects of a married life that appeal to him...or at least he is scared of the unknown so he is stringing you along.

Do you want a husband who is sexual with men? 
Do you want a husband who is sexual with anyone but you?
Do you want your son to see your marriage as the example of how a marriage should work? 

I am the opposite of the person who moves quickly to end a toxic relationship. I wish I was decisive and sure of myself and had ended my marriage YEARS ago. You have the chance to look back years from now and be glad that you ended yours now.


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

sinnister said:


> I'm sure she has. She's confused and hurt and asking for advice.


exactly I don't know what to do. I know he is a proven liar and cheater. I am not stupid I am just wondering that if he does have some sort of wakeup call is it possible he can change. and if so what kind of wakeup call could I give?


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Quick question... You mentioned this above...
> 
> 
> 
> Is _your_ son _his_ son? IMO you should leave and not look back either way but, if the answer is no, well then that just makes it a bit easier for all of you.


he is our son together.


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

thebadguy said:


> People are often quite blunt on here. That's because they have experienced the same hesitation to move on, desire to fix the situation, followed by drawn out drama and misery that seems to never end frequently mixed with discovery of new or underground affairs.
> 
> You have presented enough in just a few sentences that many will say there is just no way this ever ends in a happy marriage. They would save you a lot of pain and lost time. Only problem is, you are not able to see that right now. Most people need to live through it to understand it. It is the rare and lucky individual who can see it NOW.
> 
> ...


Exactly but I am just not sure he has been out of town for work this whole week and I have been viewing his phone. before he left he said he is done with all the stuff he has been doing. and to confirm he has not been doing any of the following while out of town.so it is possible speaking with his family and the intervention his family had with him made an impact??????


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Does he have two phones?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Does he have two phones?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


he does have a work phone but he is not able to text on it...he is able to call out and receive calls only... but once again he has been using his person phone this whole time and has no clue whatsoever that I can look at his phone...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

redheadfirecracker said:


> exactly I don't know what to do. I know he is a proven liar and cheater. I am not stupid I am just wondering that if he does have some sort of wakeup call is it possible he can change. and if so *what kind of wakeup call could I give?*


Having him served w/ divorce papers may or may not do the trick, though (IMO) you should do it either way. This would seem to be solid advice for anyone faced w/ the prospect of committing his or her life to a partner that is known to be a serial and unrepentant adulterer.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

redheadfirecracker said:


> Exactly but I am just not sure he has been out of town for work this whole week and I have been viewing his phone. before he left he said he is done with all the stuff he has been doing. and to confirm he has not been doing any of the following while out of town.so it is possible speaking with his family and the intervention his family had with him made an impact??????


Yes. I am sure it made an impact. The most likely impact being that he must take what he is doing underground and live a lie so his family won't pester him about it further.

You will never again in your life know for sure what he is and isn't hiding from you. So he isn't using the phone he knows you watch. Maybe he is now risking his job and using his work phone to do it. Maybe he went and bought a go phone. Maybe he is using the phone you watch, but is using instagram, Skype, Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail, Myspace, Snapchat, iMessage, words with friends, or a dozen other possibilities to hide it in data usage.

The only thing that will really tell you anything is his emotional approach to you. The magic word that only you and he can define is remorse.

That being said, I can't wrap my head around how a man who wants to have sexual contact with other men can ever be a good husband to a woman or a good example of a husband to his son while staying in a marriage where he repeatedly cheats on his wife with both genders.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm sorry but unless you can grow a penis, he will always be looking for men on the side.

I just had a gf go through a similar bi/gay husband situation last year. If he is attracted to men, it is best to let him go as you will never, ever ever ever be able to compete with them. B/c you don't have a penis.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Ah. Got it.

The only thing I can suggest is hardcore counseling. He's got a disconnect somewhere that needs to be addressed.

I believe he does love you, but don't think he can stop these other issues on his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Counseling at this point may not be worth it.

I am reminded about some research on this. When a spouse comes out and says that they are bi, 1/3 of couples divorce almost immediately, 1/3 divorce after two years, those that try to work it out beyond this time 1/2 of them divorce. So after 3 years only 17% of the total were together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Counseling at this point may not be worth it.
> 
> I am reminded about some research on this. When a spouse comes out and says that they are bi, 1/3 of couples divorce almost immediately, 1/3 divorce after two years, those that try to work it out beyond this time 1/2 of them divorce. So after 3 years only 17% of the total were together.


Interesting stats. I find myself wondering if the numbers happen to be skewed one way or the other where gender is concerned (i.e. wife confesses being bi vs. husband confesses being bi).


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Counseling at this point may not be worth it.
> 
> I am reminded about some research on this. When a spouse comes out and says that they are bi, 1/3 of couples divorce almost immediately, 1/3 divorce after two years, those that try to work it out beyond this time 1/2 of them divorce. So after 3 years only 17% of the total were together.


I agree but it sounds like she wants to give it one more shot? 

I would wager that guys would easier forgive their wives being BI than the other way around? Although this idea may have intrigued me 6 months ago, now? Nope she's all mine. Hands off. Unless it's Jennifer Anniston. Then I'm ok with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Counseling at this point may not be worth it.
> 
> I am reminded about some research on this. When a spouse comes out and says that they are bi, 1/3 of couples divorce almost immediately, 1/3 divorce after two years, those that try to work it out beyond this time 1/2 of them divorce. So after 3 years only 17% of the total were together.


OK so I he refuses altogether to admit to it. The first couple times I caught him I addressed him about it being men. His reaction 1st time "I was high(on marijuana). 2nd time "I though about it and I am not into that weird s***. 3rd time which is this time he refuses that he is doing it altogether.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

This isn't even about him being into girls or guys, the question is, is he into you, and you have ample evidence that he isn't, at least not enough to show you decency and respect.

You need to do what's best for you and your son and not worry about him. You simply can't trust him, regardless of any sexual deviancies he might have. 

Even if a crack in the side of the head suddenly cured him of his penis loving ways you still can't trust him around other women.

Even if you were in the 17% that Thorburn describes I would wonder how many of that group also has to contend with lying and cheating.

Trust. It's really the one issue you can't get around. without it, you are doomed.


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I agree but it sounds like she wants to give it one more shot?
> 
> I would wager that guys would easier forgive their wives being BI than the other way around? Although this idea may have intrigued me 6 months ago, now? Nope she's all mine. Hands off. Unless it's Jennifer Anniston. Then I'm ok with that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On this note I have previously been with a women. and having a threesome would not bother me. the fact that he hides everything is beyond me I am a very open person and have asked for a open marriage several times. he refuses to be ok with me being with another person. and I have suggested threesome in hopes to him bringing his fun he wants to have into the limelight. He just hides it all. is that thrill of the rush of knowing he is being sneaky?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It's like Rubicon just said- it's about the dishonesty. If you can weather everything else- great. But he needs to come clean. 

Is it shame? Because given what you just wrote you seem to be a person that he wouldn't need to hide or lie about such issues with .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

redheadfirecracker said:


> On this note I have previously been with a women. and having a threesome would not bother me. the fact that he hides everything is beyond me I am a very open person and have asked for a open marriage several times. he refuses to be ok with me being with another person. and I have suggested threesome in hopes to him bringing his fun he wants to have into the limelight. *He just hides it all. is that thrill of the rush of knowing he is being sneaky?*


I just honestly don't think he wants to admit he has a thing for guys.


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

So pretty much no matter what he needs counseling to talk about these issues to figure out weather it is something that he is hiding. suggestions on bring it up in conversation not to upset him to talk about it???


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If you're OK w/ it then just tell him so. Tell him that you don't judge him or think less of him for it, but you want him to be honest w/ you about it.


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> If you're OK w/ it then just tell him so. Tell him that you don't judge him or think less of him for it, but you want him to be honest w/ you about it.


I have.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

redheadfirecracker said:


> So pretty much no matter what he needs counseling to talk about these issues to figure out weather it is something that he is hiding. suggestions on bring it up in conversation not to upset him to talk about it???


You can drag a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.

The bottom line is if HE isn't willing to look at what is going on, then no matter what YOU do, YOU cannot fix this/him. 

There may be deep seated personal shame HE feels that is preventing him from coming 'out of the closet' but no one can go in there and wipe away his shame. It's on him. 

Are you asking for him or to keep your marriage intact? If it were me, consistent lies and cheating = divorce. Doesn't matter what gender he's sleeping with, if you agreed to a monogamous relationship and he broke that trust, kick him to the curb. 

Being single might give him the chance to explore himself and figure out more about himself and what he identifies with/as.


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

MysticSoul said:


> You can drag a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.
> 
> The bottom line is if HE isn't willing to look at what is going on, then no matter what YOU do, YOU cannot fix this/him.
> 
> ...


Honestly I was hoping he would do that while I was on vacation I was gone for a month and instead of exploring that he went and had sex with his ex-girlfriend. so I don't know what to think. does he want a man. did he have sex with her because he knows I hate her and that is an end all for me? did he have sex with her to figure out weather it was just having sex with me was making him not want women? I have no idea I am really wanting to ask him all of this but I cannot have a conversation with him without him shutting down. or me getting emotional to wear I am talk-screaming...because I get emotional start crying and yell to get my words out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

redheadfirecracker said:


> united states


So, you might need to follow the Weighlifter regimen of gathering intel.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

So very sorry you are dealing with all of this. You need to keep digging and I would insist upon a lie detector test. I know folks will come along and tell you they are not trust worthy. But I don't care. It just may scare him into telling the truth. And besides that....sometimes, many times... they do reveal the truth!!!!


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

redheadfirecracker said:


> Honestly I was hoping he would do that while I was on vacation I was gone for a month and instead of exploring that he went and had sex with his ex-girlfriend. so I don't know what to think. does he want a man. did he have sex with her because he knows I hate her and that is an end all for me? did he have sex with her to figure out weather it was just having sex with me was making him not want women? I have no idea I am really wanting to ask him all of this but I cannot have a conversation with him without him shutting down. or me getting emotional to wear I am talk-screaming...because I get emotional start crying and yell to get my words out.


Does it bother you that he is CHEATING? Cause I'm seriously confused. You say him sleeping with his ex is an "end all" for you, which means to me a dealbreaker/straw that breaks the camels back. He did that, but you're still sticking around. 

What are YOU getting out of this relationship, at this point? 

Are you OK with a poly amorous relationship?


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

MysticSoul said:


> Does it bother you that he is CHEATING? Cause I'm seriously confused. You say him sleeping with his ex is an "end all" for you, which means to me a dealbreaker/straw that breaks the camels back. He did that, but you're still sticking around.
> 
> What are YOU getting out of this relationship, at this point?
> 
> Are you OK with a poly amorous relationship?


ok so here is the deal. I am not ok with cheating. I am willing to be in a poly amorous relationship, but the fact is I have asked for that and he has said no. Yet he continues to be with other people. 

Now on that topic I would be ok with that with the exception of bringing past loves into the relationship. When he left out of town for work he felt bad about the confession of sleeping with his ex. So he said I can do whatever I want while he was gone, with the exception of sleeping with my ex boyfriend cody because it would drive him crazy.

As if me knowing he was with someone else wasn't enough I have to face the fact that it was his first love and someone that he is always in contact with. and the other reason I said she is a end all for me is because she is the one person he will not stop contacting. Every time we fight she is the first person he calls and talks to. Sad part is her and I are very much alike in personality so it makes me wonder if it is appearance that attracts him to her over me. She is skinnier then I.


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## redheadfirecracker (Apr 29, 2014)

also would love males opinions on this....
he was 19 when we met august-2008 (I was 160lbs)...he was a VIRGIN...we broke up a year later December-2009 for 3 months...he went out and had sex with one girl... after he was with her we got back together 2 months later...he said he was not attracted to her personality she was to immature...10-2010 we found out I was pregnant his father told him "now that she is pregnant you know what you have to do"...November-2010 we were married...may-2011 our son was born(I weighed 250lbs)...September-october-2012 caught him talking to men and his ex-girlfriend...jan-april thru nov-2013 caught him talking to men and women...

now for my question..do you think he married me because he loved me or because I became pregnant with his child?? What do you think of the comment his father made??


Did you notice the pattern that I always catch him talking to other people around our anniversary??


One more thing which I was wrong about. When we got married I had a ring that was my great grandmothers that turned my finger green (I bought my husband a brand new one). I had been hinting from day one that I wanted a real ring. November 2011 for our anniversary (1st year married) he bought me a necklace (I don't wear necklaces). I told him I loved it and the thought of it because it was a key pendant and with a lil heart on it.I asked him why he didn't buy me a wedding ring sense he spent $200. He said We can take it back. I didn't know you wanted a wedding ring (duh were married of coarse I want to show the world im taken. Also been hinting from day one about the ring). So he gives me the receipt and tells me to take it back and buy a ring. I asked him to buy me one and surprise me at a later time. He said I don't have time for that just go do it yourself. So I did and when the ring came in from being seized I gave it to him and told him he should put it on and I will never take it off. He said im to tired just put the damn thing on.
Now I am pretty sure that I was wrong for not taking the necklace and telling him I wanted a ring because his gift was thoughtful. He has not bought me anything for our anniversary any year after that and he always forgets it altogether.


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## marigold115 (May 11, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> So, you might need to follow the Weighlifter regimen of gathering intel.


What is the regimen of gathering intel? I need ways of snooping besides grabbing his cell phone when he leaves it in a room.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marigold115 said:


> What is the regimen of gathering intel? I need ways of snooping besides grabbing his cell phone when he leaves it in a room.


Read this...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Also, what kind of phone does he use?


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## marigold115 (May 11, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Read this...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
> 
> Also, what kind of phone does he use?



Thanks, Gus. He uses an iPhone.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marigold115 said:


> Thanks, Gus. He uses an iPhone.


Which model (5, 5S, 6, 6 Plus, etc) and carrier (ATT, Verizon, etc)?

Do you know version of iOS is installed on it... 7.x or 8.x?

Do you know the e-mail address and password associated w/ his Apple iTunes/iCloud account?

Do you have the password for the e-mail account?

Does he use an iPad, iPod, or Mac (Mac mini, iMac, Macbook, etc)?

Also, what kind of phone do *YOU* use?


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## marigold115 (May 11, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Which model (5, 5S, 6, 6 Plus, etc) and carrier (ATT, Verizon, etc)?
> I'm not sure--the phone is about 2 yrs old, so I'm guessing a 4 or 5? He has ATT service.
> 
> Do you know version of iOS is installed on it... 7.x or 8.x?  Nope :scratchhead:
> ...



I use an iPhone 8.2

Any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated! I tried this link: https://google.com/history but it's broken now.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marigold115 said:


> I use an iPhone 8.2
> 
> Any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated! I tried this link: https://google.com/history but it's broken now.


Try this link instead...

https://history.google.com/history

You could also try this one (won't work if he doesn't have location tracking enabled on his phone)...

https://maps.google.com/locationhistory/b/0

Also, you might want to start your own thread in order to more fully outline the specifics of your story, including w/ any concerns and suspicions that you have regarding your husband's fidelity (or lack thereof).


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