# Fears of love, commitment, and marriage



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Some here know that I was engaged, and recently my ex fiance and I broke up. It was somewhat mutual, all things considered. There was no infidelity, nothing earth shattering, except he wanted to live together before we married and I didn't. Tensions rose, we started arguing more, and I realized that perhaps we had rushed into the whole engagement thing too soon. But, I wonder if part of the reason that I ended it, was because I didn't like having to deal with conflict with him, and feeling afraid of commitment. 

So, I'm dating someone now, who was a friend to me for a while, before I was engaged. He shared his feelings for me not long after my engagement ended, and on a whim, I decided to give it a chance. I really like this guy, very much so. 

He makes me feel special, and safe. When I start to feel happy with a guy, I also start to feel afraid.  That's how I know I care about a guy, when that fear comes over me. Afraid of loss, of my own vulnerability, and of commitment. Someone here suggested I posted a thread about this, to see what you all think, but I'd also like to know, if some of you struggle with fears of love and commitment. I watched a show the other day and the person said ''if you keep building walls to keep out pain, you will also keep out love.'' I cried, because it resembled me. 

Anyways, your advice and sharing of your own stories, would be appreciated.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

You said the new guy makes you feel safe, that is important. Work with that, tell him how vital it is and take it from there. I am probably 100 years older than you but no wiser, love and commitment are as hard as you choose to make it. Fear is a force that is hard to deal with so take a few breaths and realise that fear can ruin your life, don't let it.

IMHO we as humans set ourselves up for failure with love and commitment, we think it should be forever or we are a failure. This puts undue pressure on us to live up to some idealised goal that very few actually attain in a sustained happy way. If you are happy now with this man, if he is a good person and treats you well then just get on with it young Lady, do not let fear rule your head.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> You said the new guy makes you feel safe, that is important. Work with that, tell him how vital it is and take it from there. I am probably 100 years older than you but no wiser, love and commitment are as hard as you choose to make it. Fear is a force that is hard to deal with so take a few breaths and realise that fear can ruin your life, don't let it.
> 
> IMHO we as humans set ourselves up for failure with love and commitment, we think it should be forever or we are a failure. This puts undue pressure on us to live up to some idealised goal that very few actually attain in a sustained happy way. If you are happy now with this man, if he is a good person and treats you well then just get on with it young Lady, do not let fear rule your head.


That's exactly it, maybe. That we attach this ideal and have expectations and that honestly can cause anxiety sometimes. This is some of the best advice I've heard of on this topic, my friends have given up with me.  Thank you!!


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Deidre-this is what relationships are all about. They aren't always easy and there will be pain and hurt in all of them. If you are afraid, then you will be stuck and maybe that is OK for you. It isn't a bad thing, but you can't fully give of yourself if you are holding back due to fear. Realize though that you might miss out on some great guys as they are out there and it sounds like you found one. He makes you feel special and safe so he makes you feel secure too? You have to take a chance sometime and enjoy it for what it is right now. Try not to worry about the future and being vulnerable but I am right there with you and understand exactly how you feel.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No one is perfect. When you find the right one their good qualities override their others (everyone has them).

It's what makes us human.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you shared this fear with him? What does he say about it?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Seek someone you are naturally compatible with... if there is a lot of fighting, playing silent treatment games, or you just find you enjoy friends more so, over this person in front of you.....it's just not going to work... I never had a fear of commitment... but I feared finding someone I "wanted".....fearing he'd probably walk away -since men love so much variety....I think it's on the rarer side to find those who WANT TO COMMIT....

I do believe love can last forever if you find someone that "compliments" you.. they say it should never be someone who "completes" that there is a difference here.. one is standing on their own & offers much in the relationship.. the other is more dependent emotionally -feeling he/she isn't "whole" without the other.. 

So one who compliments your personality & wants commitment as much as you ... if you are both fearing it.. and have a tendency to run away when things get too heated or it's uncomfortable... you need to break this cycle... 

You can probably look back over your relationships & evaluate where something was missing...it just wouldn't have worked for the long haul..maybe you were just too different, rubbed each other the wrong way, the vision just wasn't shared, whatever that may have been for you & he...

We should all have a list of specific "deal breakers"... basically those non-negotiables...things that mean a great deal to us & always will down the road... we have to fight getting caught up in a fog too early with someone new, making excuses -like they are so great that it won't matter... too often we overlook in the beginning.... then we find we've "bonded"..and hang on to something that probably wasn't meant to be..

I think these are great articles for evaluating.. asking those questions -to know if you are compatible enough...

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> 
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Some here know that I was engaged, and recently my ex fiance and I broke up. It was somewhat mutual, all things considered. There was no infidelity, nothing earth shattering, except he wanted to live together before we married and I didn't. Tensions rose, we started arguing more, and I realized that perhaps we had rushed into the whole engagement thing too soon. But, I wonder if part of the reason that I ended it, was because I didn't like having to deal with conflict with him, and feeling afraid of commitment.
> 
> So, I'm dating someone now, who was a friend to me for a while, before I was engaged. He shared his feelings for me not long after my engagement ended, and on a whim, I decided to give it a chance. I really like this guy, very much so.
> 
> ...


*This statement is in my estimation, the absolute truth!

But much like you, after having been married twice, cheated on, and acrimoniously divorced in as many times, "betrayal" becomes just as much, if not, even more of a considerable factor in attempting to foster yet a relationship with a potential new love!

It's really sad that one's comfort level gets taken down out of a constant nagging fear that any new relationship is going to end in much the same way as the prior two!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jld said:


> Have you shared this fear with him? What does he say about it?


The interesting thing about being friends with a guy before dating him, is you share things openly when you are 'just friends.' So, he knows my fears, which is cool in a way, bad in another way. I don't always like guys knowing the painful thoughts I have about love. 

So, he knows this about me, and when I have moments, he will say ''I'm still your friend, so you can tell me what's on your mind.'' He tells me he's afraid too, and that most people are in new relationships. I was like ''really??" lol 

Maybe we all have fears about love and being vulnerable, just for different reasons?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *This statement is in my estimation, the absolute truth!
> 
> But much like you, after having been married twice, cheated on, and acrimoniously divorced in as many times, "betrayal" becomes just as much, if not, even more of a considerable factor in attempting to foster yet a relationship with a potential new love!
> 
> ...


I never knew your ''story'' until just now, clicking on your link below in your signature. I'm sorry you were mistreated like that.


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