# WTH is wrong with me right now?



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Hey all. I'm strugging with something right now and it's a new sensation for me and not sure how to deal with it.

When my wife and I were first married she was all over me. She was always jumping on me and giving me big bear hugs and pulling me aside to kiss me or engage me physically somehow. When we'd sit down she'd find some way to cuddle or hold my hand or something of that nature. I wasn't much of a touchy feely person back then so this was all her not at my request or anything.

As we started getting distanced, this pretty much stopped and my wife went into sexual avoidance mode. You could tell she would shy away from contact for fear of encouraging sex. Somewhere around the last 2 years my needs kind of changed and that physical touch kind of became a priority for me. I took the lack of it as a rejection.

When d-day hit we did the hysterical bonding thing. One of the best things about it, besides the mind-blowing sex, was that she started to do all those touchy feely things she did when we first got married (except this time it meant a whole lot more to me). That lasted about 3 weeks, after that she cooled off and started to go back to the point where she would kind of avoid the contact. We still had good sex, but when I would go to kiss her or hug her she would not be actively engaging in it most of the time (like she would sit there and "take it" or make joke kisses or make her body go limp in my arms).

Since d-day we've both opened up a lot sharing what our expectations are and our needs and what makes us tick. I let her know that the lack of physical affection bothered me, and that it meant a lot to me when she gave me hugs and kisses, held hands, etc and didn't joke around when we were kissing or hugging.

My wife has been working on herself A LOT since d-day. She has changed 100% as a person and as a wife. She was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD while undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm so proud of the changes that she's made. She's happy consistently with her life whereas before she was mostly unhappy. She is making real efforts to meeting my needs. One of the biggest things she has started doing is talking to me more respectfully and apologizing more quickly when she acts disrespectfully (apologies come in minutes now instead of hours or days). She has started coming to ME and giving me hugs and kisses and asking to cuddle and what not. I'm so proud of her for making these changes, it gives me a lot of hope for our future.

For the last few months we have had an amazing relationship. We're open, working on being honest and respectful. We solve problems instead of just arguing. It's been tough but I am madly in love with my wife and I feel like we have a rock-solid marriage.

BUT (you knew it was coming), I still FEEL unappreciated/undesired/rejected/unloved. Like in my head I know she loves me. I know she is going out of her way to do things she wouldn't normally do to show me she cares. More than she ever has before. But when she kisses me or hugs me or when I come to her to make out with her or something, I just don't see the spark in her eye. Like she is doing it just because she knows I want her to, not because she wants to herself. I'm really confused.

I know the newly wed passion or post d-day passion is not realistic to last forever. I know my wife does love me and does care about me. I know she's trying really hard and doing exactly what I asked. I just don't feel like her heart is in it. I brought this up to her and she got really sad because she is working so hard on changing and really making an effort to make me feel loved. I told her I'm proud of her and not telling her she is a bad wife, just that it's how I feel and I can't control it.

I don't know if what I'm thinking or feeling is OK. In some ways I feel like I'm being an idiot. Like I'm expecting too much in asking that my wife acts like we're newlyweds 8 years after marriage. I've never felt like this before in my marriage. I'm normally a very rational person and I'd logic my way out of this feeling. I know that passion can't stay high all our life, I just really need it right now.

Sometimes I feel like it's just me being insecure with the attraction issue. Worried that if I don't make her swoon she's going to get bored again. She'd say I was crazy to say that but I know when she was "finding herself" she was flirting with muscular guys. I'm not small by any stretch but I'm certainly not "ripped" like she was into. She's told me she is attracted to me, how else would she be having so much sex and getting turned on. Like I said, I know in my head all this but when she half-heartedly gives me hugs and kisses it kind of goes out the window.

I'm asking for your help. For starters, I don't want to keep bringing it up to her because she keeps getting more and more discouraged and frustrated that she keeps trying harder and harder but it seems to not have the effect on me. Also, as stupid and horrible and retarded as this sounds, I'm having to try really really hard not to get sucked into the extramarital trap. It's taking all of my energy not to go online and tell my old friend that my wife cheated on me and I'm not happy. As info, I stopped having 1 on 1 talks with this friend right before d-day because I felt like it was going into dangerous territory even though nothing inappropriate happened. I also feel like going out and doing something just to talk to women (like a Yoga class or something). I get hit on all the time when I go out and I'm scared sh*tless right now some chick is going to swoon over me and I'm going to suck it up like a straw because of my insecurities with my wife.

So give me your feedback. Am I just in a rut, or are my feelings validated? What should I do?

Also wanted to note that though I've been acting kind of girly in many ways since D-day, like talking about my feelings, crying more, and feeling insecure about some stuff (like this); in many ways I feel way more Alpha since then. I know who I am, know that I am a man of integrity, know that I still "got it". I'm standing up for myself now and not tolerating disrespect. I have boundaries. I'm not afraid to let my wife know when something is bothering me now. I'm much more aware of when I am doing stuff just to appease, in fact, I would say I don't do that at all anymore; if I don't want to do something I don't do it.

I said that because someone's going to say "Man up" or something, and I feel like I have done that in many ways.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I know my posts probably don't hold a whole lot of meaning for you anymore, but I think you should remain a "man of integrity" and not go out and try and have contact, even socially for the attention, with other women....If you know your wife is trying her hardest give her time, give it time, results are never instantaneous in situations such as these, it takes time, work and dedication from both of you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

COGuy, I know exatcly what you mean by the sparkle in her eye... for us we never got to hysterical bonding, though she was very horny right before dday and offered herself, I just didn't feel it with her, couldn't just take her because I honestly felt like I was just repulsing her, she wasn't physically receptive to me at all just going through the motions she was fantasizing about with some other man, and being let down by the reality, and I could completely sense it.

The worst part when finding the pics of her and her OM was seeing that sparkle, even through the low quality image her old blackberry took in really dim lighting - there it was in her eye, whilst sitting topless with the other man. I just kinda realized at the time, based on what she was telling me in the month leading up to that moment, fog or no fog, that sparkle in her eye was never going to be for me again.

I hope you can get that back with your W, if she is remorseful and trying to reconcile this atleast it is a possibility for you, i know how critical that is for you to know you are the sparkle in her eye.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

COGuy,

I have to admit, I started to get angry when I read your post.

I think I speak for most guys in our situation (and your previous situation) who have done almost everything they can think of to fix their relationships.

Maybe our methods weren't always perfect. Maybe our hearts weren't always aligned in a way that would maximize success.

BUT - the idea that I would see my wife actually COMMIT to working on her anger.... the idea that she would voluntarily admit that she HAD NOT sufficiently owned her part of the relationship and that her anger at men in general had her seeing me as her enemy - instead of her partner.

The idea that she would talk the talk and WALK THE WALK of putting us back together and somehow I would turn up my nose because I thought some of her new efforts were mechanical?

She would/should think me an insufferable ingrate and should commence divorce proceedings immediately.

OF COURSE you are hurt over the course of 8 years. But, you have a committed partner who wants to be your woman!

Do you realize what good fortune this is? And, you're feeling tempted by some ex that keeps hanging around? (who should be jettisoned immediately!)

She has said she loves you. AND - unlike what so many other posts reflect, her actions are backing up her words.

Support her.

Affirm her.

Stand beside her.

Just thinking of what you're doing makes me want to cry. I'm so envious - and you're about to throw the entire thing away.

Grow up.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

My H and I are where ya'll are. I had an EA because I wasn't getting the attention and loving feelings from home. I have disconnected from the EA and I've been working on my marriage and feelings towards my H. But it just won't come back. I feel like I am not giving my all though. If your W is, then give her time to get it all back. When the fruit falls out of the basket, sometimes an apple rolls under the table - and you have to take the time to get on your belly to reach for it. Does that make sense?? It's gonna take some flexibility, but if you know it's there, it'll get within reach!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I know my posts probably don't hold a whole lot of meaning for you anymore


Come on! I only get frustrated because you could be the apple in some guys eye (or crotch)! Instead you're spending all your energy on someone who doesn't appreciate you.



> but I think you should remain a "man of integrity" and not go out and try and have contact, even socially for the attention, with other women....


I want to make it clear I don't WANT to do anything stupid. My inner dialogue is pushing me in that direction and I am fighting with all of my willpower. I just don't want to get caught up in some moment of weakness. Last night I almost gave in...I don't want to do that. It pisses me off just thinking about it. But I have to be honest and say that a part of me feels like I need this like a drug or something...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

COguy said:


> Come on! I only get frustrated because you could be the apple in some guys eye (or crotch)! Instead you're spending all your energy on someone who doesn't appreciate you.
> 
> 
> 
> I want to make it clear I don't WANT to do anything stupid. My inner dialogue is pushing me in that direction and I am fighting with all of my willpower. I just don't want to get caught up in some moment of weakness. Last night I almost gave in...I don't want to do that. It pisses me off just thinking about it. But I have to be honest and say that a part of me feels like I need this like a drug or something...


You're right I could be  but if the day ever comes that it's over, I need to be able to walk away with 100% confidence that I had done everything I could to make it work....

I know you don't WANT to...but it's easy to give in to that inner voice because it will make you feel good....temporarily....the only way to get your marriage back on track is to have 100% dedication and fight with every ounce of strength you have against that inner voice (believe me I know it's tough, do you know how many times I feel like I want to start talking to some guy just so he will make me feel good and appreciated, and have that fire for me that I feel has been lost in my marriage?)...After a time, if you still aren't feeling connected and you feel everything has been done that can be done, you will know what you need to do...but if you love your wife, don't break the marriage even more than it's already been broken.....


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Do you realize what good fortune this is? And, you're feeling tempted by some ex that keeps hanging around? (who should be jettisoned immediately!)


Just want to make it clear that she's not an Ex. She's an old friend from the last decade. We are both very respectful of eachother's marriages. I also did cut any personal contact with her on my own volition even though nothing inappropriate went on because I felt like it wasn't healthy for my marriage.

It's not that this person is tempting, I just know that if I tell her that my wife cheated and I'm not happy, she's going to be supportive and reassure me and feel sorry for me. I know she admires me and I guess I am just craving that right now.

But anyway thanks for your post. It did help me and I'm sorry you can't have the same experience.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> You're right I could be  but if the day ever comes that it's over, I need to be able to walk away with 100% confidence that I had done everything I could to make it work....
> 
> I...After a time, if you still aren't feeling connected and you feel everything has been done that can be done, you will know what you need to do...but if you love your wife, don't break the marriage even more than it's already been broken.....



:iagree:
Exactly what I'm working on doing right now (and I'm the one that wanted to walk away!!!)
CO, give it some time, then make a decision after all outlets are extinguished.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel really really dumb asking this question, but what exactly does D-day mean ? (I was thinking the revelation of an EA or PA?) but you said when D-day Hit, you did the hysterical bonding thing?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Do you two have date nights? What are you doing together for fun? One way to re-claim the passion is to create enjoyable memories together.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Dean - I just copied and pasted what you posted. makes me wanna explode knowing that this type of love in a relationship is possible! Thanks You!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> My feedback is only focused on what's above.
> 
> My relationship with my wife may not be normal but after so many
> years being married, this is what I have learned.
> ...


Well I wouldn't be here if I honestly didn't think I was giving it my all. That's what worries me, I know I can't realistically do anything more than what I am now.

I am madly in love with my wife. Like I was when we first started dating. I write her love notes, help her around the house, call her "just to see how she's doing", I come down and watch her sh*tty shows just to hang out with her. I'm doing all this just because I enjoy being around her.

And yet I just don't think she's there. And I get worried that if what I'm doing now isn't enough to light the fire in her panties, it never will be. The only thing I think I could work on is dieting and working out more, both of which I have just started in the last two weeks. But that is also a long-term thing and not something that's going to be a quick fix.

I don't know what I could do to be more attractive to my wife right now other than acting like an a$$hat, and I really don't want to go down that route. I don't want to play games with my wife, pretending to be aloof or disinterested just so she can start being interested in me. I want her to think I'm sexy just because I'm a good father and husband and funny and hot, not because I'm making her jealous.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel really really dumb asking this question, but what exactly does D-day mean ? (I was thinking the revelation of an EA or PA?) but you said when D-day Hit, you did the hysterical bonding thing?


She was having an EA for about 5-6 weeks, going out flirting at the bars with her friends, texting guys about sending pictures, and then went out and had a ONS after a drunken night out. D-day was about 5 days after that and we started screwing like jack rabbits that night for about 3 weeks.

Despite the tremendous pain, that was the best 3 weeks of my life. We're still growing but the ravenous sex appetite on her side has dwindled to more realistic levels (3-4x a week vs 3x a day).


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Do you two have date nights? What are you doing together for fun? One way to re-claim the passion is to create enjoyable memories together.


We've been going out as much as possible. Usually once a week, at most once every two weeks we'll have a "date". Going out is tough right now because she is a SAHM and the disposable income isn't high enough to do lavish things on a weekly basis.

But we're finding time to get away whenever we can, even if it's just to go shopping or to Starbucks for an hour or so. We're also doing datelike things at home when we can't get out of the house. We're also doing a lot more family things together. We go out as a family all the time now, even if it's just to the park.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

NotSoSureYet said:


> Dean - I just copied and pasted what you posted. makes me wanna explode knowing that this type of love in a relationship is possible! Thanks You!!


:iagree::iagree: Wish there was some way I could show that to my H or tell it to him without him thinking I am saying it as an ultimatum or something....every time I try to suggest things like this he thinks I'm doing it to like threaten him or tell him what to do or something....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

COguy said:


> Well I wouldn't be here if I honestly didn't think I was giving it my all. That's what worries me, I know I can't realistically do anything more than what I am now.
> 
> I am madly in love with my wife. Like I was when we first started dating. I write her love notes, help her around the house, call her "just to see how she's doing", I come down and watch her sh*tty shows just to hang out with her. I'm doing all this just because I enjoy being around her.
> 
> ...


Gotta agree with that, I feel the same way, only reversed...cuz I'm a girl....


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> My feedback is only focused on what's above.
> 
> My relationship with my wife may not be normal but after so many
> years being married, this is what I have learned.
> ...


I really like the way Dean describes this.

When you mention her previous affair, however, and the way that the sparkle in her eye is not there, I'd challenge you to question if either of you have come to a real understanding of what really happens in a happy, long term marriage. I don't mean it critically, but more of a suggestion to work together to try to understand what it really takes to find happiness in the marriage.

Its natural to think about how our partner makes us feel in the marriage. But its unhealthy, in my opinion, to gauge whether your wife really loves you enough by how she makes you feel. I wouldn't be surprised if this missing "feeling" was part of her mental process before D-day. A couple of years ago, I overheard my wife telling our son that after the honeymoon glow fades, we should strive to gauge whether or not our partner really loves us by taking a realistic look at their actions and efforts, instead of the feelings that we expect. Frankly, if we are really committed to a happy long term marriage, we'll understand that our feelings will wane at times, but our intention to love in an active way is the real foundation. Being practical, you have a choice of whether to express your appreciation for what your wife is trying to do, and reciprocate, or focus negatively on what she isn't accomplishing. If both of you learn to give even when you feel like the other isn't giving, and actively respond when you are the one in the slump, this is what it is all about, to me.

I'm sorry if that sounds like lecturing, or if it makes it sound like I have it figured out. I'm just excited to see that you had the courage to reconcile, and she appears to be really trying.

Its hard to express this, but you can learn to really appreciate each other's efforts when the glow fades. It makes the marriage feel incredibly secure. It's easy for a woman to love us when things are new and exciting, but her actions now, after such a hard time, are a gift to you, in a sense. More often than not, if your wife sees that sparkle in your eye appear when she's working hard on her part, it'll grow in hers.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Halien said:


> I really like the way Dean describes this.
> 
> When you mention her previous affair, however, and the way that the sparkle in her eye is not there, I'd challenge you to question if either of you have come to a real understanding of what really happens in a happy, long term marriage. I don't mean it critically, but more of a suggestion to work together to try to understand what it really takes to find happiness in the marriage.
> 
> ...


What you said is right on, and it's why I'm so confused. I've understood that from day 1 and never let the passion bother me.

And you're absolutely right about what she went through before d-day. I honestly feel like I am fighting a similar battle she was.

It's why it's so frustrating. Because I know in my head that I shouldn't be feeling this way, but it's like it doesn't matter...

I've never been addicted to or felt like I NEEDED to be wanted or desired or anything like that. I don't really understand where it's coming from or how to "get rid of it."

I just can't shake this intense desire that I need someone to think I am the cat's pajamas.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Then act like it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

COguy said:


> What you said is right on, and it's why I'm so confused. I've understood that from day 1 and never let the passion bother me.
> 
> And you're absolutely right about what she went through before d-day. I honestly feel like I am fighting a similar battle she was.
> 
> ...


Obviously, you are dealing with some pretty complex emotions after what happened in the past. Questioning her behavior will probably be a big deal, but I really believe that having a firm vision of who you realy are as a man will eventually get you there. Maybe for now, you can only offer validation and appreciation for her efforts. Just don't beat yourself up for the struggles in the meantime. When being alpha, or determined is the norm, I think the challenge is sometimes just allowing yourself a period of time for adjustment to life-changing situations. Decide to let it take time. I wish you peace in this.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I gotta tell you, what you said here was all ME 3 yrs ago...


> I've never been addicted to or felt like I NEEDED to be wanted or desired or anything like that. I don't really understand where it's coming from or how to "get rid of it."
> 
> I just can't shake this intense desire that I need someone to think I am the cat's pajamas.


 .........It was my Mid Life crisis ... Her D-day threw you into one I bet! If you are of that age, anyway!? 

It IS unrelenting. Almost like a "Passion addiction" You want her to give back as much & as intensely as you are desiring to give & love, you don't want to feel "needy", you want to FEEL she is craving you like it "used to be"-free flowing, natural. 

I am sure you have heard of this book before, but this seems to be the type of guide, that if you follow it, it will give you great ideas of what you seek.... for being the best man you can be, balancing the Good Alpha with the Good & needed Beta as well. 
Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (9781460981733): Athol Kay: Books

You both could catch some ideas in spicing it up with this book, I enjoyed this one myself. 

Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I gotta tell you, what you said here was all ME 3 yrs ago... .........It was my Mid Life crisis ... Her D-day threw you into one I bet! If you are of that age, anyway!?
> 
> It IS unrelenting. Almost like a "Passion addiction" You want her to give back as much & as intensely as you are desiring to give & love, you don't want to feel "needy", you want to FEEL she is craving you like it "used to be"-free flowing, natural.
> 
> ...


Lol about to turn 30 in a few days so maybe you are on to something. One thing from when she started the ILYBNILWY talk is I started to think, "I don't want to be anyone's Plan B, I'm still young and deserve to be with someone that thinks I'm awesome." I've kind of felt that way the whole time, and I've let her know that regularly since then. If she doesn't want to be here, let me know because I don't want to waste the best years of my life as someone's second pick.

TAM probably didn't help either, all these threads about women in their 40's and 50's who wasted their men's sexual peak. It makes me nervous and annoyed that my wife is wasting the best sexual time of my life.

Your paragraph about passion addiction was exactly how I feel.

As for Athol's book. I read it, I agree that it would work. I just feel like I don't want to play that game where I'm getting other people interested in me just to spark interest in my wife. I like my life now, I enjoy spending time on my wife and doing nice things for her without purposely rearranging my life to do more "manly" things. Maybe that kills the passion I don't know, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything and I certainly don't feel like I'm anyone's doormat anymore. I think I'm good looking enough and have a good enough personality and show enough with my actions at home that she should be interested in me as I am now.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

> Frankly, if we are really committed to a happy long term marriage, we'll understand that our feelings will wane at times, but our intention to love in an active way is the real foundation. Being practical, you have a choice of whether to express your appreciation for what your wife is trying to do, and reciprocate, or focus negatively on what she isn't accomplishing. If both of you learn to give even when you feel like the other isn't giving, and actively respond when you are the one in the slump, this is what it is all about, to me.





> Its hard to express this, but you can learn to really appreciate each other's efforts when the glow fades. It makes the marriage feel incredibly secure. It's easy for a woman to love us when things are new and exciting, but her actions now, after such a hard time, are a gift to you, in a sense. More often than not, if your wife sees that sparkle in your eye appear when she's working hard on her part, it'll grow in hers.


I think you nailed it Halien, I too think what you wrote is the key to long term happiness in a marriage.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

COguy said:


> As for Athol's book. I read it, I agree that it would work. I just feel like I don't want to play that game where I'm getting other people interested in me just to spark interest in my wife. I like my life now, I enjoy spending time on my wife and doing nice things for her without purposely rearranging my life to do more "manly" things. Maybe that kills the passion I don't know, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything and I certainly don't feel like I'm anyone's doormat anymore. I think I'm good looking enough and have a good enough personality and show enough with my actions at home that she should be interested in me as I am now.


I read Athol's book and have used a lot of it with good results. I too skipped over the flirting stuff, because I did not like it and knew it would backfire with my wife. But there is some great stuff in there to help you. Stuff about using hormones and nature to you and your wife's advantage. Stuff about meeting her needs and getting her turned on. While I was working toward some of these things, it gave a real plan to help me get organized and avoid steps that hurt my goal of getting closer and more intimate with my wife.

Did your wife ever have that spark for you? If so, work to get yourself a little closer to how you were when that occurred. For me, it was changing from father and breadwinner back to the guy she dated. Not completely, mind you, but more fun to be with, the guy that she wanted to sleep with when we were dating. Similar to Dean's experience, my wife does not have that spark every day or every time, but she has it more in the last year than she had the previous five years. 

I don't know your whole story, but based on some of your earlier posts, I understand that you are not that far out from you d-day. If that is true, I suspect both of you are still working through this. It is going to take some time for both of you. Do you have that spark for her all the time? Do you think she notices? I don't say this to beat on you, but rather to get you to take a step back, take a deep breathe and give yourself a break. You are both going through a lot and trying to figure out what the new "normal" will be.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

COguy said:


> Lol about to turn 30 in a few days so maybe you are on to something.


 I think you are too young for a Mid Life crisis, no ....this is more about "feeling" and mauling over being "2nd best" , you feel something is missing, and it hurts, it makes you question things, there is a struggle going on there. 

But you love her, are crazily passionate about her right? You really don't want anyone else.... What good would it be to leave that --if she is "truly" trying...and despite her messing up in the past (If all is forgiven, talked through) and she IS "committed" to the marriage. Some things we most hold on too. 

So it seems you are agonizingly questioning this -a matter of trusting her words, trusting her heart ......or a matter of ...."I need more" to be happy/fullfilled. Which is weighing more heavily and WHY? 

I too, would think you are still working through many emotions here, even some insecurities over what happened, you had a HIGH rise in your hormones towards her out of this, it has taken you by surprise, I bet this is near normal really, and they are messing with your mind....right now. 


I went through a phase where I seriously cared more about my husbands LUST over his LOVE for me..... This was something I had to work through, I KNEW I wasn't THINKING right ....but it plagued me for a time anyway....... I would get all emotional, but the thought of leaving him, well that was just insanity. We may go through some things, but we have to keep our feet on the ground -while we are. 

...It was not like my husband (getting older, slowing down a bit) could help that HIS erotic passion wasn't jumping off the richter scales -like mine suddenly was- when I entered that "cougar" stage. 

IN marraiges, I think we all go through these ups & downs...normal normal normal. For most of ours, he wanted more and took it personal that I wasn't as "into him" ...but he remained steadfast and patient , loving me all the way through those years.......then suddenly the scale went the other way, I guess I deserved that ! 

Even you said, at 1st, SHE was all over YOU, so now it is your time to be all over her. She is not pushing you away, right?




> As for Athol's book. I read it, I agree that it would work. I just feel like I don't want to play that game where I'm getting other people interested in me just to spark interest in my wife.


 About the flirting thing .....just another perspective.......please READ Phtlump's posts on this thread page...(little debate going on about that subject in this thread) ...he hit the heart of the matter in his posts....and for many women...it simply "works". http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/35810-any-other-married-man-sex-life-readers-4.html


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

COguy said:


> I want to make it clear I don't WANT to do anything stupid. My inner dialogue is pushing me in that direction and I am fighting with all of my willpower. I just don't want to get caught up in some moment of weakness. Last night I almost gave in...I don't want to do that. It pisses me off just thinking about it. But I have to be honest and say that *a part of me feels like I need this like a drug or something*...


You sure you weren't in your own little EA with this other gal? Somebody needing you, talking to you, making you feel good about yourself. Because your talk here is sure reminiscent of people who are "in the fog", as they say.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

COguy said:


> I know the newly wed passion or post d-day passion is not realistic to last forever. I know my wife does love me and does care about me. I know she's trying really hard and doing exactly what I asked. I just don't feel like her heart is in it. I brought this up to her and she got really sad because she is working so hard on changing and really making an effort to make me feel loved. I told her I'm proud of her and not telling her she is a bad wife, just that it's how I feel and I can't control it.


There is nothing more guaranteed to dull the 'sparkle' in someone's eyes than to tell them all of their hard work and effort (their ACTIONS toward you) mean nada.

This is something that YOU are going to have to work through. It sounds like your wife is making a valiant effort here. You need to do the same. Are you in any kind of IC? I know you mentioned she is, but maybe you need to be as well to work through these issues of insecurity and loss of self-worth that you have.

I think it would be a very common reaction to an affair to feel very insecure and somewhat worthless afterward and to be tempted to have others validate your worth by showing you that you are attractive. But going down that path - therein lies ruin and more pain. Work valiantly on the parts that are yours to own, and you will find your self-worth coming back in spades - much more so that trying to find that through someone else.

Best wishes.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> You sure you weren't in your own little EA with this other gal? Somebody needing you, talking to you, making you feel good about yourself. Because your talk here is sure reminiscent of people who are "in the fog", as they say.


No it was definitely heading down that path. I had all of the initial symptoms except nothing inappropriate ever came of it. When my wife started chatting with some other guy I started doing all the reading and recognized I was headed in that direction. That's when I cut any private communication. Looking back, I realized how close I was to either losing a friend or ruining 2 marriages.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think you are too young for a Mid Life crisis, no ....this is more about "feeling" and mauling over being "2nd best" , you feel something is missing, and it hurts, it makes you question things, there is a struggle going on there.
> 
> But you love her, are crazily passionate about her right? You really don't want anyone else.... What good would it be to leave that --if she is "truly" trying...and despite her messing up in the past (If all is forgiven, talked through) and she IS "committed" to the marriage. Some things we most hold on too.
> 
> ...


Wow you really seem to get what I'm going through. It's such a different feeling for me, I'm not used to being lead by emotions. I think as someone mentioned, I need to look to go into IC to deal with some of these insecurities (which is something new for me).

Curiously, how long did this take for you to get over?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I just wanted to thank everyone for their insight and advice. Some of you really said some eye opening things. I think I am going to look into IC because I clearly have some issues that need to be worked out from this.

I talked to my wife about it last night, let her know that I'm super appreciative of her efforts and sorry that it's not having an effect on my feelings.

Today I came home for lunch and let her know I'm snapping out of my funk because I want to be happy with her and couldn't ask for a better wife. She seemed to light up quite a bit and I saw some of that sparkle beginning to appear (funny how that works). We've got a hot date planned tonight and I think it's going to be a good step in the right direction for both of us.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

COguy said:


> Wow you really seem to get what I'm going through. It's such a different feeling for me, I'm not used to being lead by emotions. I think as someone mentioned, I need to look to go into IC to deal with some of these insecurities (which is something new for me).
> 
> Curiously, how long did this take for you to get over?


My story is a little WHACKED! ..... It was more of a raging sex drive came upon me, (I had physical symptoms besides my mind feeling Hi-jacked).......I had a few things happen during that time that just threw me into a Mid Life crisis so to speak and well ---It was a blessing in many ways and a curse in others ....I was definitely on a *PASSION HIGH*.......the curse being .....when I started to question his DESIRE for me -- that wasn't so good........

...... It was never true.... *it was something I was building up in my mind. * I mean for a woman, when your man can't keep up with you, you kinda tend to take it personal .... then that hurt him.....(and well, we talked about it all ...nothing hidden)... I was lucky, he never pulled away. 

I worked through it in a few ways..... I took the bull by the horns, I got more Creative- hey I wanted more passion, more sex, I was determined to be the best damn lover I could be, I was a absorbing machine of learning to spice it up, that became MY focus- and with his reactions to all of this ... it just worked itself out very very nicely ...we had bumps, I caused him performance pressure for a time... had to get him over that...and not take that personal. 

At one point, I wrote a page front & back of all the Great exhilierating times we had, erotic moments during this craziness...things he said to me-- so when I started to feel a "meltdown" coming on, that merry go round in my head ... I Could pull that out and reassure myself with real memories...that Yeah.....Life is freaking Good. ....Get the heck over this... I have it all ....kinda the mentality I needed to grab ahold of all along. ......

Instead of ..."Woe is me, my husband seems like an old man now, he doesn't want me any more" ..... things happened between us as we carried on, devoting ourselves to each other.. then that hormonal shift slowly died down, I could accually concentrate on other things..... I am still very passionate but take the antsy overly emotional part out of it -- we still feel like we're on the Honeymoon, but at least I am not climbing the walls now.

Our minds & hormones can surely get the best of us !!! I know all too well. 




> Today I came home for lunch and let her know I'm snapping out of my funk because I want to be happy with her and couldn't ask for a better wife. She seemed to light up quite a bit and I saw some of that sparkle beginning to appear (funny how that works). We've got a hot date planned tonight and I think it's going to be a good step in the right direction for both of us


 Your attitude and confidence before her will move mountains..... I can honesty say...I wasn't exactly a TURN ON when I was being so darn emotional, I needed to snap out of that hindering mindset.... show him the confident wife, the newly found seductress .....express that in it's fullness.... We found our way.

Sounds she is there for you 100%, you'll make it !


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

COguy said:


> I just wanted to thank everyone for their insight and advice. Some of you really said some eye opening things. I think I am going to look into IC because I clearly have some issues that need to be worked out from this.
> 
> I talked to my wife about it last night, let her know that I'm super appreciative of her efforts and sorry that it's not having an effect on my feelings.
> 
> Today I came home for lunch and let her know I'm snapping out of my funk because I want to be happy with her and couldn't ask for a better wife. She seemed to light up quite a bit and I saw some of that sparkle beginning to appear (funny how that works). We've got a hot date planned tonight and I think it's going to be a good step in the right direction for both of us.


I'll just say good luck..

Just know there are a lot of husbands who would LOVE to have your "problems" with their wives...including myself.


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