# newbie, being guilted by DH



## willow874 (Nov 1, 2013)

Hi, I am new here and would like to share my story and get your thoughts if I may. I will try to keep this as brief as possible. 

My DH feels I am obligated to call my MIL after she had heart surgery, even though she has a history of being passive agressive and nasty to both of us. Both MIL and FIL are engulfing and like to manipulate DH with guilt trips. When he doesn't do/respond to/say what they want, they are rude and p/a. 

I am blamed for his lack of 'obedience', lol...So neither of them has been part of our lives for a while. Some more background:

DH has not seen them in over 2 years. He speaks to them on their birthday, Mother's & Father's Day, & Christmas. I have not seen or spoken to them. DH travels for business to the town they live in, but never tells them he will be there. He stays in a hotel.

Both she and FIL have been rude to us while guests in our home. The last time they stayed with us MIL would not speak to me the first day of the visit. FIL resents DH and puts him down frequently. They manipulate DH with guilt so up until now he had been avoiding them. His sister told him that she and her DH have also distanced themselves at times due to their behavior.

MIL had a milestone birthday party and invited all the other family and friends except for us, which we found out about on Facebook. She has a photo album on FB entitled “Family” with pictures of SIL and her DH, BIL, her friend’s children, but none of my DH.

Last year she sent a wedding card to DH’s ex-wife and her new husband; ex-wife and the guy she left DH for years ago decided to get married. This really upset DH, he was so angry and said she crossed a line this time. Wow, talk about sticking it to your son!

DH flew down to see her after the operation. He said FIL asked if they could visit us when MIL recovered, to which I said of course. My view on extended family is even if they are crappy, I will be cordial and distant, out doing other things, etc. It's DH's home too and I would never tell him his family is not welcome.

He said he just wants to forget the past. He has an overwhelming sense of guilt and feels a huge sense of responsibility toward them. Fine, it's his decision what kind of relationship to have with his parents. They are HIS parents. But, he is nonetheless angry at ME for not calling MIL.

I asked him every day how she was doing, but he said I am 'not there for him'. Given the circumstances, I don't understand why he would give me grief about it?

I have given this a lot of thought and if the situation were reversed, and my mother behaved like her, I would not expect DH to call her.

I would appreciate your feedback and thoughts on this matter - I feel sometimes like I am losing my sanity. Thank you so much.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

It seems ridiculous to expect you to suddenly get warm and fuzzy with your MIL and call her on your own. That said, you need to make your husband feel like you are on his side. I think for most people that would mean you be supportive of his efforts to reach out to her and, when necessary, join him in his interactions with her, mustering all the faux sincerity you can when you express your interest and concern for her. She sounds like a nasty old bat but sometimes you just have to suck it up and play nice for your husband's sake, not hers.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My MIL has had countless operations and I have never once called her up or been expected to.

If you want to appease your husband how about sending her a get well soon card?

Tell him that you are there for him and are more than happy to support his efforts to repair the relationship but that does not involve going above and beyond the call of duty. Which, in my view, means being polite, tolerating them during visits and following customary social niceties. All of which you seem to be doing.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

ScrewdEcerything, you don't know the MIL's side so your advise is not valid.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Willow, this could be tough. His perspective could be different because mom is sick & when parents get sick, some children who hasn't had the best relationship can start feeling all kinds of guilt even though the parents are in error. He may be thinking "my parents could die soon & be gone forever & our relationship is bad & now is the time for me to just suck it up & be there". Being in a position where a love one is lost, even a difficult one, where amends weren't made or attempted could be potentially devastating. This may be what he'a going through on some level.

So, I know it's hard given the history but ask your husband what he needs, yes be supportive cause he could lose his mom or both forever & that can weigh heavy. You don't have to put up with bad behavior from them. 

My mom was difficult. But one day while reading the Five Love Languages for Singles it discussed difficult relationship. I never heard my mother tell me that she loved me until after I was 30 & I begin based on the suggestion of the book to just start saying it to her first. I did, she begin to say it too. She begin to soften. Whenever she decided to engage in bad behavior, I would say I love u but I now have to go. She stopped because I stopped entertaining negativity. My mom got really ill this time last year & passed away in December. I'm thankful our relationship got on good terms which started with me. The sweetest part, is my once very difficult & hard mother, told me she loved me every lucid, waking moment she had from Oct to Dec & that's all she really said, over & over again, "I love you little girl", I love u so much." That was priceless!!!

So be supportive & let him be there for them. Maybe they'll soften cause perspective can change in sickness & lost of life. 

You can do it!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Did your H ask you to call his mom after her surgery? Or did he get mad because you failed to read his mind? If he never expressed his thought that maybe you should give her a call, then he's out of line and repeating the passive aggressive crap he grew up with.

Having said that, you need to support, empower and encourage you H to maintain a healthy relationship with his parents. You must never do things that discourage a healthy familial relationship. If they are mean to you, you must express to your h you expect him to defend you.

Sometime our families teach us invaluable skills and sometimes those skills are born of self preservation. They're still good skills to have.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is expecting you to help him forge a new relationship with his parents. His parents - his relationship. Right now he is reacting out of fear and baseless guilt and lashing out at the one person he has easy access to - you. 

Let it roll off your back and when things have settled down you can have a discussion with your husband over unrealistic expectations and manipulation.


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## willow874 (Nov 1, 2013)

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the feedback you have given me. I don't feel so crazy anymore.

He told me he would call the hospital and asked me to speak to her. I asked him "are you sure she wants to talk to me?" He said "why?" to which I said - calmly - "because she doesn't like me".

Well...DH's said "just forget it then!" and stomped off! I waited about twenty minutes hoping he would cool down and I walked over to him and said "hey, I wasn't saying I didn't want to speak to your mother, I just wanted to make sure..." and he put his hand up and starting shouting at me to get away and he slammed the door in my face!

The last time he passed the phone to me to speak with MIL, I was really cheerful only to be met with curt, one syllable answers from her. It's funny how he forgets all this.

Another thing he has forgotten - years ago I had to have emergency surgery and was in the hospital. She didn't call me, but did he care? Did I care?? Um, no..! 

He has been giving me the silent treatment for days. He does this when he gets angry. I tried talking to him and told him if he hadn't lost his temper for NO reason, we could have *calmly* addressed my concern, he would have dialed the phone and we would have spoken to her. But he chose to completely dismiss me and create drama instead.

He yelled that I still could have called her. I told him I would not do that until he learns how to treat me.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I take a completely different tack on this: Do not call her.

HE is the one giving you the silent treatment...just like his mother did for her first day of her visit.

HE is the one manipulating and guilting you...just like they have done to both of you.

That said, I'm civil to my MIL. She's also my landlord and lives next door. Just because she can be an ass doesn't mean I won't be generally courteous. But She gets no cards or gifts from me, and I only call her when I think she might be dead. She has berated my children, gossiped about me, and ignores my kids' birthdays and Christmas. H has never stood up to her as fully as I wanted, but he did make the effort. I had to threaten divorce to get him to hold her accountable for being cruel the first time he did it.

Husbands choose us. They didn't choose their families as kids, but if those families are toxic, they can sure as he*l un-choose contact with them as adults. He can also choose to not manipulate and shame you into doing what he obviously dreads doing himself.

"I'd rather not talk to her right now" should be just fine. Then send her a nice card. 

I do not tolerate people who disrespect me in my own home. Respect must be earned when all parties are adults, related or not.

I remember a friend of mine asking why I stopped talking to my dad for years. He was always wasted when we talked, and we had the same circular conversations over and over. One day he called and made the best (still drunk) effort he could to mend fences, so we did. Two years later, he almost died when I went to visit him for the first time in years, and H and I literally saved his life. That never would have been possible had he not made the first move, and had I not accepted his attempt.

Lesson is: sometimes the offenders have to reach their own spot of clarity before anything an change. You calling her will not keep your H feeling good in the long run. Only he can do that. And only your in laws can change themselves.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Your in laws are toxic people. Why is it your job to shield your husband from them?

The problem is that your husband was raised by them and it is ingrained in him. He is going to need to educate himself about how to deal with them. And he is going to have to educate himself about how the damage they have brought to his life and what he needs to do to work through it. I hope that he would be agreeable to counseling, or at the very least reading a book about dealing with these kind of people.

By the way - cutting them out of your lives completely is not an unreasonable approach. Toxic people should be avoided at all costs.


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## hackbornyu (Nov 2, 2013)

She sounds like a nasty old bat but sometimes you just have to suck it up and play nice for your husband's sake


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Your husband needs to man up and realize he is an
adult and not a child anymore.If he wants a better 
relationship with him,you and his parents he has
to talk with his parents and try to improve 
communication.

It sounds like he really is feeling guilty cause he
prefers not being around them and gets angry.
He then lashes out at you.

I know how he feels as I have a love,hate 
relationship with my mother.I also at times hate
myself and feel guilt.


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## Yolandi (Oct 27, 2013)

It sounds like he is feeling guilty and using you as an outlet for his anger.

If I were you I would go ahead and call her. I guess I'm naturally a peacemaker. Do it with grace, don't huff or roll your eyes at hubby, etc. That way, he can't complain about it once it's done.

I only suggest it to you because this type of tact usually works for me. You will be taking away his steam, and he won't have any more arguments for you. 

Shoot, if you have the money, go all out and send her a gift basket. Flowers even.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No way in hell I would call my MIL in this situation! She sounds just like my MIL - she's also gossiped about me, questioned my H about my personal affairs and my family's, and just generally been difficult.

You are supportive of your H's wish for himself to have a relationship with his parents, you will allow them to stay in your home despite appalling behaviour the last time they were there, what more does your H want?

I'd be addressing this silent treatment too if I were you...don't put up with it.

Would it kill you to call her? No, of course it won't. Just as it wouldn't have killed your MIL to call YOU when you were in hospital.


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## willow874 (Nov 1, 2013)

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It helps so much. Yes, I have supported his relationship with his parents, told him they are welcome to stay any time. If he hadn't acted so irrationally all this drama could have been avoided. 

A rational response would've been something like, "you're being silly, let me dial the number" But this is so typical of DH, if I say the wrong thing I get punished. All I said was "are you sure she wants to talk to me?" I mean how ridiculous is that? I am starting to believe this has nothing to do with MIL and is just an excuse for DH to be angry and punish me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

Don't call. He's trying to make YOU do the relationship work with his mother, and it's not your job. From what you have said, you are being very supportive and kind, putting up with a woman who is rude to you. Allowing her to stay with you is huge - nobody is obligated to host someone who is so rude as to not speak to their host when they are a guest in their home - that's outrageous!! 

I personally think you should drop the rope. Tell your husband he can have whatever relationship he wants with his mother, but you are done. If he's going to give you the silent treatment when you have gone beyond what is reasonable to be nice to someone who doesn't like you, then he can take over and play that game by himself. I would tell him not to talk to me about her anymore, and I'd never ask about her.

Having my in-laws pushed on me only made me resent them, and in turn my husband for acting like I was the problem. His mother is his responsibility.


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