# Ugh! Filed for Divorce Today.



## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

This has been the 2nd saddest day of my life. 

I have come to the realization that my marriage is over and my H is not the same man I married. (he even admits to this) 

It just seemed so surreal today when I saw it in writing. An actual document with our names on it.

I am just so very sad. 

Please tell me it gets easier.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

So sorry. I'm sure you're doing the right thing.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I'm sorry as well. I dread the possibility of this day happening to me. It might, though, and I haven't even begun to prepare myself for it. My thoughts are with you.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Yes, it gets easier. You will find your go through the phases similar to grief. It is all perfectly normal to move back and forth between them. Right now I am reading a book called "After your Divorce...Creating the Good Life on your Own" by Cynthia McGregor and Robert E. Alberti PhD. It has tons of great information to help you move onto the next phase of yor life. 

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. 

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

Thank you!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi pacmouse,
I totally concur with mockingbird with the exception that I haven’t felt lonely in the 10 months or so I’ve been separated from my wife. I’ve already played out the experience of the divorce through visualisation so I feel reasonably prepared for it. For me I don’t need the divorce papers to “know” it’s over. I’ve more or less done my grieving already and am at the acceptance stage.

Right now my energy has returned and I’m ready to build my new life.

It is a time when we can learn for example just what powerful things emotions are and it would be very good for you to name them and work your way through them. It is a grieving process and it’s good to know what the process is, it really does help to know you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

I wish you all the best on this your new journey in life.

Bob


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thanks, Mockingbird, that helped me,too.


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