# Date famine



## aurora_azul (Feb 21, 2016)

Hello, I just joined TAM and read a few posts on the forum about moving on after divorce. I agree with most of what has been said (don't rush it, look after yourself...), but in my case I don't seem to find anyone despite having everything going for me.

Background: I am 29, straight, officially divorced for a year, and separated for longer. I live by myself, travel a lot, and have a job I love. I have a large social circle. I meet lots of new people, including young and single men as I travel and in the course of my work. Yet, I experience a date famine. 

I did the OK Cupid thing for a few months last year and gave up. I asked my friends why would there be such a rout of men. 
Gay friend: They feel threatened. You are a successful, globetrotting, assertive woman. 
Female friend: Because you are very fat.

Maybe both reasons are true by some men, but is there something I am missing? Or is it just a matter of luck that I don't have even a casual date? Has anyone else here had a similar experience?

[I'm so glad to have found this place. Going by what I've read so far, this is a wonderful, supportive community.]


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I will be honest. Lose the weight and the guys will start hitting on you. 

Did you gain weight during the marriage? If so, why?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

If you are fat, lose the weight. Men now a days are looking for the perfect model type. They are not prepared to get to know you first then let attraction grow. 

So, lose weight. Find your sexy and then you will have to fight them off.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> If you are fat, lose the weight. *Men now a days are looking for the perfect model type.* They are not prepared to get to know you first then let attraction grow.
> 
> So, lose weight. Find your sexy and then you will have to fight them off.


I would disagree with this generalized statement. However, men are looking for their partner to be a healthy weight. As are women in general. 

OP is still young and can avoid the health risks associated with excess weight. I wish Mrs. Blue and I had addressed the weight issue much earlier. Now we live with the irreversible chronic serious medical conditions.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it would be better if we had an idea what dress size we are talking about, not to embarrass her but to figure out if that's really the problem or not.

lot's of guys like bigger girls or girls with meat on them. but of course there's a limit to this hypothesis and that could be the problem.
depends on definition of 'very fat'. some peoples' 'very fat' is another's 'not too fat' and even anothers' 'just right'.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, I'm in a similar situation. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that the opposite sex (at least the ones YOU find attractive) won't ask you out based upon your weight. It's a real hit to the ego. And none of your friends will tell you that because they don't want to hurt your feelings. They tell you all the great things, but they won't tell you the truth.

You can get sex. That's not hard to come by. But if you want a real relationship with someone who is healthy, both physically and emotionally, you're going to have to lose the weight.

It's hard. I know it's hard. To understand and accept this and to try to move forward, I cried myself to sleep every other night for more than two weeks. Because it hurts like a b!tch. But I've decided to take control, and I'm working towards a healthier, better version of myself. It's hard, and I mess up plenty, but I'm moving in the right direction.

And it's scary. Because what no one talks about is this: what is I lose the weight, and I still can't find someone? That's what we're scared of. That's why we hold onto the extra weight. Because we're scared that we'll learn we're unloveable, and it was never really the weight in the first place.

That's something you'll have to work through. I'm still working through it right now, and I will, for a while.

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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

agenda said:


> One of them did.


That lone, single, honest person withstanding.

Stop nitpicking. I was making a hyperbolic statement in my initial post.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

aurora_azul said:


> I did the OK Cupid thing for a few months last year and gave up. I asked my friends why would there be such a rout of men.
> Gay friend: They feel threatened. You are a successful, globetrotting, assertive woman.
> Female friend: Because you are very fat.
> 
> ...


First, don't ask gay men why straight men don't want to date you. They have no idea.

Second, the bad news about being very fat is that it makes you very undesirable to most men. However, the good news is that you can do something about it. If you had an ugly face that would be much harder to fix.

So lose that weight and you will find no dearth of men!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> If you are fat, lose the weight. Men now a days are looking for the perfect model type. They are not prepared to get to know you first then let attraction grow.
> 
> So, lose weight. Find your sexy and then you will have to fight them off.


Most men don't expect a perfect model type.

They do expect someone whose curves go in as well as out.

In other words, an hourglass shape is good; a beach ball shape is not.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Attraction is needed on both sides and weight plays a huge role in that. No matter how great a woman is, guys won't date someone they aren't attracted to. Your options are to lower your standards, wait around and hope your luck changes, or take action and fix the problem.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I feel like you probably have some walls up and are transmitting that energy. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a bit harder to get dates if you truly are obese (do you agree with your friend's assessment?) but even when I was a baby beach ball I still had some fun guys and rolls in the hay. 

Do you have current, flattering pictures on your internet profile? How are you going about meeting men outside of online dating?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well the weight thing has been covered so definetly work on that. 

My personal experience is that some of this is your age actually. Unless willing to date older or younger late twentys to early thirties are very bleak because many have coupled off by then. If you are single still at 35-40 you will see an influx of divorced men and women into the online dating pool. Keep in mind I am speaking only of online dating. Do you have friends that can set you up outside of online dating?


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## aurora_azul (Feb 21, 2016)

It's interesting to see that most construe the reason to be weight if everything else seems to be fine. 

I do agree I need to loose weight (and no I wouldn't consider my shape "beach ball"), but I don't think the other reasons don't count. The gay friend is right in the sense that some men who may be looking for serious, long term relationships could get insecure or intimidated by a partner is more successful, better travelled, etc. than them. The female friend is right in the case of men who are looking for causal dating/ sex/ trophy girlfriends. Going by what I've heard from other women my age or older, they have similar assessments of why women like me tend to be dateless. 

The last two guys who proposed to me were * friends *. One of them was my confidant and close friend, wanting to get married of his girlfriend of a few years against the wishes of his folks and hers. I had known the other guy for a year, and he helped and supported me after an attempted burglary happened at my house. Imagine my frustration when they tell me they are fiercely attracted to me and they already knew I don't love them back! 

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## aurora_azul (Feb 21, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> My personal experience is that some of this is your age actually. Unless willing to date older or younger late twentys to early thirties are very bleak because many have coupled off by then.


Completely agree. Many guys that I feel I would want to be with, not necessarily of my age range, are already taken. 


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

aurora_azul said:


> The female friend is right in the case of men who are looking for causal dating/ sex/ trophy girlfriends.


I strongly disagree with that. Can apply to regular guys (like me, or like I was since I am LT married) looking for LTR or future wife

You are right, it can be many things.
1) Your weight does factor into first impression. It can eliminate the shallow guys, which is ok with you. It can eliminate the active, sporting guys, who assume you are not into the activities they value. The weight can also convey message that you do not care about your health and therefore how can you care about someone else. (I am speaking from first hand experience here, so my comments are colored with my issues.) 
2) Your age means guys your age are already in marriage and not yet divorced in their 40's to be looking for younger woman.
3) Many guys feel threatened by confident outgoing independent woman, so that eliminates more guys. 
4) Body language is critical. What message do you convey when you meet guys for the first time?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I strongly disagree with that. Can apply to regular guys (like me, or like I was since I am LT married) looking for LTR or future wife
> 
> You are right, it can be many things.
> 1) Your weight does factor into first impression. It can eliminate the shallow guys, which is ok with you. It can eliminate the active, sporting guys, who assume you are not into the activities they value. The weight can also convey message that you do not care about your health and therefore how can you care about someone else. (I am speaking from first hand experience here, so my comments are colored with my issues.)
> ...


Carrying extra weight can also give the impression that you have low self-esteem, or don't value/take care of yourself. It also carries a lot of other negative connotations in our culture, like lazy, sloppy, no self-control, less intelligent, etc.

(I'm not saying these apply to you, of course, but people tend to attach specific values to superficial things sometimes.)

He mentions body language--overweight people don't have the best posture due to weight and less muscle tone. I have to consciously keep myself from slouching because I'm top-heavy in the front, lol! That would definitely be less of a problem if I lost some weight. The same way tall people sometimes slouch to hide their height.

The fact of the matter is that even when looking for a LTR (and not a ONS), appearance and attractiveness is still really important. If you're looking for the only person you're going to have sex with for the rest of your life, it has to be someone you're attracted to. Personality is important, but so is attraction. And for each person, attraction is different. Some guys like brunettes, some like blondes, and some like redheads. Everyone is different.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

aurora_azul said:


> It's interesting to see that most construe the reason to be weight if everything else seems to be fine.
> 
> I do agree I need to loose weight (and no I wouldn't consider my shape "beach ball"), but I don't think the other reasons don't count. The gay friend is right in the sense that some men who may be looking for serious, long term relationships could get insecure or intimidated by a partner is more successful, better travelled, etc. than them. The female friend is right in the case of men who are looking for causal dating/ sex/ trophy girlfriends. Going by what I've heard from other women my age or older, they have similar assessments of why women like me tend to be dateless.
> 
> ...


A year ago I was def in beach ball shape. My nickname for myself was "Baby Shamu" because I was super chubby but still cute. 

50lbs later I definitely notice an uptick in quantity of men who ask me out - but not necessarily quality. Best sex I ever had was before I lost the weight. Go figure. 

My weight loss came from a combination of weight watchers and finding a social group of non-competitive buddies who wanted to do weekly social hikes and runs. 

Best ways I've found to meet men:

-Take an interesting book to an upscale bar or a beer-garden type place. Read it. Look up every so often and give flirty eyes/smile at someone you find attractive. (Trust me, this WORKS)

-Get your friends to set you up. 

-Make small talk at places you normally wouldn't. I met a super hot guy I dated for a while by asking his opinion about cheeses at this cute little gourmet shop. 

-Join an interest-based group. Opera society, museum goers, charity work, etc. Lots of mingling in those. 

Good luck!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Meh, weight can be an obstacle, no doubt. But don't worry about hitting a goal. Crash diets can backfire, and obsessing about weight will make you a neurotic mess. Dress for your body type, be clean, well groomed and fashionable. Curves can be sexy, embrace them. 

Focus on being healthy. If there is an underlying issue, be it physical (thyroid) or mental (emotional eating), get help. If you are just not active enough and eating fun foods, then work on some balance. You'll feel better and look better (long before you peel any pounds off).

I don't think it's difficult to find a guy. What is difficult is finding a guy you want to be in a relationship with. Your success can be a turn off to some men. Go ahead and scare them off, you don't need them. Target successful men, they are used to being hit on by women. But those women always want things. They are arm candy, but not all that intriguing. 

You bring something to the table the arm candy can't, a brain. You can be an equal, a partner. Together you and the right guy can be 'very' successful. Be confident, it's sexy. (note I said confident, not conceded). 

Feel good about yourself and you'll be attractive, not matter what the body type. Smile, and flirt a little. Everywhere you can. It will be awkward at first, but eventually you'll master it. Sometimes guys need a signal that you are okay to approach. A smile and well timed furtive glance can go a long way.


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