# I really need some nonbiased advice



## lostinFL (Aug 20, 2009)

I just joined this forum a few minutes ago, but I am losing my mind trying to figure out what I am doing and what I want to do. I need advice badly, and I don't have anywhere to turn! Fair warning, this may be long, I am a writer, and tend to be long winded
A little over 10 years ago, I divorced my first husband. He cheated on me countless times, moved in and out of the house, and just generally tortured me. Fast forward about a year, I am spending the evening with friends, and we run into a group of people she knows. One of those people was a man I will call J. There was just this instant connection there, we all went back to her house and the two of us talked all night. 
From then on, we were together every night. We would spend hours just talking about any and everything. I felt like the only safe place was in his arms. 
About 6 months later, I had no doubt that I was in love with him, but I didn't think he was in love with me, so I thought I was safe. Thanks to my ex, I had this irrational fear of love. 
One night he tells me I am the best thing that ever happened to him, and the next day, I ended the relationship.
Life went on, as it will, but almost a year later, I went to shoot pool with friends. He was there. He grabbed me out of no where and wouldn't stop kissing me, but there were still so many hard feelings on his end that it ended in an argument and we went our separate ways. 
A few months later, we again ran into each other, and talked for a few minutes. My heart still skipped a beat at the sight of him, but he still remembered the pain I caused him.
Two years ago, I remarried. I do love my husband, but in the way that you love a best friend. He is a good man, and a good father. He is a hero who puts his life on the line to save others every day. And he loves me. Like I said, I love him, but not the right way. There is really no physical attraction on my part, although I don't let him know that. He is security for me, and I am a good wife to him. 
But J is back. He popped back into my life a few weeks ago, and my life has been upside down since. He says he is ready to let go of the past, he tells me how much he loves me. And my feelings for him have not dulled at all over the years. He has always been tucked away in the back of my mind, and my heart. 
I have seen him one time since he came back into my world, and it was so painful for both of us. Neither one of us believes in infidelity, so we are not having an affair, and we won't. Either I will leave my marriage and go to my one true love, or I will continue to love him from a distance.
That's the problem. I have no right to hurt my husband, he has always been good to me. And I have no right to hurt my kids, they deserve an intact family.
It has gotten to the point where I hardly eat, I don't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time, and I am just miserable. I don't know what to do! I am really hoping that if anyone actually reads this novel I have written, they will have advice to offer. 
Thank you.


----------



## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

hmmm, sounds to me like you are just super confused on what you want in life.

The word security pops to my mind. 
It sounds as though you get married for security reasons, and why people do that I have no clue. 
You either love the person madly or you don't.

I think the man you are currently married to is a champion, and you should never have married him thinking something better might be around the corner.

If you have no physical attraction to him why did you marry him, cause he's a good bloke??

I think you need to learn to love the man you are with cause he sounds as though he has done everything right by you. 

If you leave him for another guy, I suggest you DON'T ever get married again cause to be honest with you I think you can't see the forest for the trees when it comes to true love. No disrespect just telling you what I think. You need to start including others into your train of thought rather then yourself and what you want.

What makes you think this guy is your ONE TRUE LOVE anyway, you could marry the guy, and then that he has you wrapped up he could turn out to be a lazy couch potato who may not be a good husband or father figure, which almost always happens. 

Thinking the grass is greener on the other side is not always the way.
Good Luck.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Boy does THAT sound weird on THIS forum!:rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

I agree with the above comments. You shouldn't have married if you didn't love him. You should've stayed single instead. Even I don't know what true love is because what I thought was true love for 14yrs was abuse. Then I almost lost my life 2 weeks ago by this man.

I don't want to be married as what has happened to me scares me to a point. Any man that comes into my life now will have to know about what I've been thru as well as my daughter. If he is willing to stick around after that then we'll see.


----------



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

I get the whole "u shouldnt have married him if u knew he wasnt the one" thing thats been expressed in above responses. But the OP cant go back in time. This is her predicament right now.

OP is stuck between 
a) destroying her husband who loves her in order to be with a man she thinks is her soulmate, or
b) keeping her marriage and family intact, but never experiencing passionate, romantic love again

I would suggest b), simply because its waaay too likely that youre putting the other man up on a pedastal. Your current husband sounds like a winner. I wouldnt ditch him for a very attractive question mark.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Frankly, I think your loving husband deserves better--someone who passionately loves him. I also think there is a big chance you will eventually have an affair if you try to remain married to someone you do not love.

But if you do leave your marriage, don't get married again, maybe not even date, at least not for years and years. Take time to be alone and learn to be happy that way. Go through some tough s*it by yourself, experience sadness and loneliness, let the time pass. Quit getting caught up in men! Lead a full life without one for a while. And get counseling. Maybe then you'll be ready for a good, honest, truly loving relationship.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

I think you should let J go. you guys obviously had your chances in the past and it didn't work, what makes you think it will work now? he said he let go of his anger, but all you have to do is 1 thing he doesn't approve of and that anger can come flooding back. 
your husband sounds like an incredible person, a guy many women would kill for. you married him for a reason


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds to me like you don't know what love is...
and confuse lust with love. 
Your going to remain confused and get into deeply disturbed relationships
until you figure out the difference.


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

It never ceases to amaze me how each and every cheating spouse sound so much alike...especially females. Why not just come out and tell the truth, why do you have to rewrite the marital history? Always the same excuses: We were never really in love, I always cared about him...just didn't love him, I feel so bad cuz but I just never loved him like that. Yeah right. If you didn't love him you wouldn't have married him. Far as that other guy goes, you are just romantacizing it in your head to make it ok. He was always my true love, SURE. How do you know that, oh everytime you ran into him in a bar your heart beated faster? OK THAT MUST BE LOVE. Not the man who has stood by you all this time and supported you and has been good to you. That guy didn't want you then and he doesn't want you now. What did you say, you have been with him only once or something like that since marrying? HMMM WONDER WHY? It was an easy piece of you know what, again!! He doesn't want anything else from you..never did. Trust me if he loved you he would have been with you the first time no matter what. When you are in love, really in love you are always together and nothing tears you apart. A man would follow you to the end of this earth and swim across oceans for you when he is truly in love with you. Sadly I bet your HUSBAND is really the man that would be willing to do that for you. But no, you will throw that away and ruin your marriage and end up a miserable, lonely, aging woman (with a bad reputation) who has been divorced twice and who's kids will soon have no respect for her. FOR WHAT???? LOVE??? HA,HA,HA,HA,HA Please lady, I have seen it a million times. If you want to read your same exact story with different wording over and over again check out the infidelity section or marriagebuilders.com

If you want to do this to yourself and children, go right ahead. But please save your silly stories for your grandkids. Its a load of crap and you are too blind to see it. Oh trust me you WILL see it one day, but it will most likely be too late because your husband will have mended his heart and moved on. That is when you will start to see the truth for what it truly is.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I feel so old fashioned sometimes. Funny old me thinking marriage was some sort of meaningful committment than wouldn't be instantly shattered by an ex-boyfriend showing up.

If you went into marriage eyes open not being attracted to your husband, while you had some sort of inferno of lust for another man...

...sigh.


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

:sleeping:


Atholk said:


> If you went into marriage eyes open not being attracted to your husband, while you had some sort of inferno of lust for another man...
> 
> ...sigh.


Atholk, most likely this story is completely false. It is a fact that wayward spouses rewrite their marital history. Truth is everyone has a little twinge of doubt in the back of their mind on the big day. You grow in your marriage and learn and feel more secure over time and realize that your love is pure and true and that feeling on the wedding day was nerves. When a spouse becomes involved in an affair (emotional or physically) they start to rewrite the marital history. They say they were never 'really' in love, or they just 'thought' they were in love. Again lies to cover up the guilt and shame for their cheating ways and justify the affair. If you took this same woman on her wedding day privately to the side the morning of and talked with her and told her this future, she would have probably slapped you and professed her love.

It is very sad but true that this woman will deeply regret her choices, and so will her poor children.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Euphoria, you cannot possibly know what goes through the minds of others. I knew damn well 6 mo. before my wedding I didn't not love my husband or desire him, but I thought that it would come b/c I liked him so much and he was so loving toward me. I also wanted to get married and have kids. Once we were married, however, he quit acting loving--treated me like one of his roommates, in fact. 

Humans make mistakes. We know it. We do our best. Please do not judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I can occasionally lapse into irony that gets lost.

I simply reflected her story back to her. Quite obviously only a dumbass would marry someone they had no attraction to instead of working it out with Mr Makes-My-Panties-Wet. That or the story she tells isn't exactly the truth.


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Frankly, I think your loving husband deserves better--someone who passionately loves him. I also think there is a big chance you will eventually have an affair if you try to remain married to someone you do not love.
> 
> But if you do leave your marriage, don't get married again, maybe not even date, at least not for years and years. Take time to be alone and learn to be happy that way. Go through some tough s*it by yourself, experience sadness and loneliness, let the time pass. Quit getting caught up in men! Lead a full life without one for a while. And get counseling. Maybe then you'll be ready for a good, honest, truly loving relationship.


I know for a fact that all wayward spouses use this tactic time and time again...Read for yourself under any board or look up the work of Dr. Harvey a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience...his work speaks for itself and is VERY CLEAR ON THIS TOPIC!!


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

euphoria said:


> :sleeping:
> 
> Atholk, most likely this story is completely false. It is a fact that wayward spouses rewrite their marital history. Truth is everyone has a little twinge of doubt in the back of their mind on the big day. You grow in your marriage and learn and feel more secure over time and realize that your love is pure and true and that feeling on the wedding day was nerves. When a spouse becomes involved in an affair (emotional or physically) they start to rewrite the marital history. They say they were never 'really' in love, or they just 'thought' they were in love. Again lies to cover up the guilt and shame for their cheating ways and justify the affair. If you took this same woman on her wedding day privately to the side the morning of and talked with her and told her this future, she would have probably slapped you and professed her love.
> 
> It is very sad but true that this woman will deeply regret her choices, and so will her poor children.


I can't tell you how true this is.. My wife just a little more then a month ago was planing our 15 year anniversary to a romantic hotel and now I hear she has no feelings for me and is numb.. Yet I am so confused as to why. Things change in the blink of an eye and your left scratching head cause it makes no sense..


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Exactly and if you don't get to the bottom of it now...in a few weeks or so she too will be rewriting the marital historry. Soon she will start to tell herself that she never 'really' loved you and on and on. Always, always goes this way sadly enough. You should really check out marriagebuilders cuz if she is having an emotional affair or worse, they have great advice for cutting it off right then and there and restoring a romantic love to your marriage.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I'm going to tell you a story about a close friend of mine...

She'd been in relationships where there was "chemistry" between them and the men had ended up cheating on her. She met a man who was completely different. They were very companionable, got a long great. He was stable and caring. She loved him like a friend. They got married. They had 2 kids. He was a wonderful husband and father.

18 years later she was feeling regret. For 18 years this man had thought that she felt the same way about him, that he did for her. She realized that for all that time, she denied him the love he deserved in return. They got a divorce.

He was heartbroken and crushed. A year passed. He met a woman. They eventually got married, and he has the love now that he deserved.

It's been about 8 years now, since all that happened. My friend is still single. She's had her heart broken since then. She has no regrets because she feels she made the right decision when she asked for a divorce.

Now, I don't know what to tell you about what to do. Ever situation is different. It looks to me like you are already in an emotional affair with this other guy. I do have one question for you though.......how would you feel if someone married you and wasn't "in love" with you, or physically attracted to you?


----------



## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

I'm sorry but I think all of you need to get off your self righteous high horses and listen to wtf the woman said..YES it is wrong to have an affair!! IT is ALSO wrong to marry a person your not madly inlove with for security reasons. She did it...get over it it's already done. No need for "you should've never married him"..."why did you marry him in the first place"..YES she might be romanticizing this other man. You always want what you can't have. BUT!! isn't as equally harsh or down right selfish for her to STAY married with a man she loves like a bestfriend?? YES he's a good man, but doesn't he deserve to have someone madly inlove with him?? CAN she MAKE herself fall in love with him?? This will continue to eat at her because she "loves" this other man and she is haunted by the thoughts of never knowing what could have been. AND this would be worse for her husband to see his wife miserable for reasons she probably can't explain to him AND he'll probably start to believe its his fault when it isn't. IN MY OPINION...if your not madly in love with your husband and your NOT content with NOT being madly in live with your husband (some poeple are) then leave....your hurting him and your family more. Explore this other relationship with caution and if it doesnt work out, it doesn't work out. What I WILL say is know for sure NOTHING will be the same!! Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side, very few but sometimes, weigh your pros and cons and keep in mind what will change.


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

It has been stated by renound psychologists that when your spouse has an affair the pain is equal or GREATER than a rape or the death of a child. So are your suggestion is to continue this affair with caution? Like it is ok to rape someone, but be cautious? Wow. 

Marriage is sacred. It is a holy sacrament. If you did not love this man, then you should not have married but since you did you should honor him. Obviously you are not going to do that so do him a favor and file for a divorce. He deserves better, sorry. I am sorry if this is hurtful but c'mon. Don't you think he deserves better. If you are in love with this guy you spent a couple of drunken nights with and want to throw away the man who has honored and supported you and your children than he deserves to know. File for a divorce and tell him the truth. I don't know why but I have a feeling you are a stay at home mom with too much time on her hands. Nothing wrong with being a sahm, if you are being a MOTHER. If you have so much extra time, go to school or something. If I were your husband I woud definitely file a divorce and let you pay your own bills and find a woman who loved me the way I love her.


----------



## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

euphoria said:


> It has been stated by renound psychologists that when your spouse has an affair the pain is equal or GREATER than a rape or the death of a child. So are your suggestion is to continue this affair with caution? Like it is ok to rape someone, but be cautious? Wow.
> 
> Marriage is sacred. It is a holy sacrament. If you did not love this man, then you should not have married but since you did you should honor him. Obviously you are not going to do that so do him a favor and file for a divorce. He deserves better, sorry. I am sorry if this is hurtful but c'mon. Don't you think he deserves better. If you are in love with this guy you spent a couple of drunken nights with and want to throw away the man who has honored and supported you and your children than he deserves to know. File for a divorce and tell him the truth. I don't know why but I have a feeling you are a stay at home mom with too much time on her hands. Nothing wrong with being a sahm, if you are being a MOTHER. If you have so much extra time, go to school or something. If I were your husband I woud definitely file a divorce and let you pay your own bills and find a woman who loved me the way I love her.


Ok this woman asked for nonbiased advice so if your spouse cheated on you and you are still affected by that and always will be with GOOD reason, this probably isn't the post for you. I did not tell her to have an affair with caution... If you had half a brain you'd understand exactly what I said. What would her being a sahm have anything to do with the matter. She would have to have plenty of time on her hands to romanticize being with someone else?? She would have to be a sahm to not be in love with her hubby?? I'm not getting your snarling.. If you dint have constructive criticism you should've kept your very BITTER and biased comments to ya ^&%*($ self....what the hell do bills have to do with anything that she said??? Who's to say she isnt paying the bills?? Why do people automatically assume because someone says "he's a good man" means he's paying all the bills??? and who said anything about drunken nights??? so freakin self righteous who are you to devalue what someone else imight have had?? Even if they WERE drunken nights who are you to say that?? Dont bring your ill harbored feelings or pass pains and judgements into someone elses' post!!!! Keep it movn we OBVIOUSLY don't need the negative energy, everyone else said what they had to say even if they didnt agree, but once again you seem BITTER!!


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

My husband has never had an affair and it has nothing to do with being a sahm. If you read again, I said being a sahm has nothing to do with it if you are being a mother. If your day is filled with your children and your activities...sorry you will not have time for dreaming about some guy. I a sorry but I am not bitter and I have a wonderful marriage. I am a successful woman with a great marriage and four wonderful kids. Point is if you are unhappy, file for a divorce. No one deserves that. 

I have yet to yell or call a name unlike you. I will leave this post to you and you can pat her on the back all you want. If you knew anything on the subject, however you are not helping her in anyway. My response was to her and not you..I would call bitter a person that searches other peoples postings looking for an argument...sorry but I will not participate.

Again, lost I am sorry you are in this situation. You have all of the common signs of an affair like I said before. I can refer you to some excellent sources that will help restore your marriage..not just a marriage a healthy happy marriage where you are fufilled. This is the path to destruction and simply agreeing with you will not help at all...so I will not do it. I can tell you that marriage counseling is not very helpful either, you might as well get a pedicure..it has a 98 percent failure rate. However, there are other plans and resources that actually work wonders because they give you an action plan. Both people in the marriage have needs and both must be met or someone else will meet those needs. There are ways to come to an enthusiastic agreement that suits both of you. I hope for your sake as well as your children you will see that this isn't the way. If you truly do not want to be married to this man, then the only decent thing to do is be honest with him and get a divorce..of course I do encourage you to try to work on it first..you may be very surprised. I know many couples that have better marriages here than they did when they were first married!


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Now that I have read a bit of your history, I can see the reason for your bitterness. Physical abuse is a valid reason to separate and most marriages can't survive abuse. However, all marriages are not that way. Parents should always try to work on their marriage before divorcing, only if there is no abuse or addiction involve. Unfortunately, that isn't the case for you...but it is for lost. Her children and her marriage deserve a chance, and anyone who cares for her would encourage her to do so. I have seen many women leave their marriages and regret it later. Of course if she wants to leave, she should be honest and do so. However, she may want to give her marriage a chance...which would be great.


----------



## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

"I would call bitter a person that searches other peoples postings looking for an argument...sorry but I will not participate".....Then....DONT!!


----------



## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

"I will leave this post to you and you can pat her on the back all you want. If you knew anything on the subject, however you are not helping her in anyway." ....My posts were not a pat on the back...once again if you had half a brain you'd see or understand (NOT AGREE) exactly what I said, but my posts were not to you either.


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

um..ok

I will leave this thread to you with your whole brain and expert advice, lol


----------



## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

...and the world will continue to rotate in the same direction


----------



## Mommieof4 (Aug 26, 2009)

When I was fourteen, I asked my aunt how to choose between two boys that I thought I loved. Her response?

"you know the one who makes your panties wet? Choose the other one!"

Honey, if you two were soul mates, he would be the one you were married to now. If you have kids with your hubby you love him. Trust me, your in love with him. Your lucky to have both. yup here comes another quote, this time from my mom..

"If someone calls you and says your husband has died in the line of duty, how do you feel sweety? would you leave the arms of your "soul mate" to be with him?" You know you would! 

Talk to your husband about your feelings. You may be surprised...he just may understand.

Good luck!!


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Maybe your husband also has the hots for this guy and you can all live together in hippie happy land. Or you can do what right by your husband and your children and cut contact with the other man and start focusing on your marriage and all the blessings you DO have instead of the one thing you dont. 

Makes me glad all my wife's ex BF's are dumbasses. 

Nevermind, I take back that good advice I just gave you. New idea. Divorce your husband..no wait! Bang the other guy in your husbands bed with your kids home..let your husband catch you. That way you can cause as much damage as humanly possible. THEN get a divorce..and run off into the sunset with the other guy. In a year (or less) you can suddenly come to the realization that HOLY CRAP I F'ed up! And beg your ex-husband to take you back. But he wont..and hopefully you live the rest of your life in misery and alone...just like you deserve. You and the rest of your cheating ilk. Sickens me. Your husband risks his life and works his ass off every day for you and your children..and you treat him like this. 




John


----------



## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

Looks like you're not getting much non-biased advice here.

I don't know what to tell you, I feel in a similar situation, except, there is no real person out there waiting in the wings, just my vivid imagination of a greatly improved relationship.

Why do people always accuse the cheater of being selfish? It's JUST as selfish for the betrayed spouse to want/demand/insist that things work out when the betrayer doesn't want to. You can talk about how horrible/painful/deceptive cheating is, and guilt them back but that is just about as selfish as the cheating itself. 

Why do people want to be in what is basically half a relationship? It takes two to tango, and let's be honest...

The person who wants the least from the relationship, determines the fate of the relationship.

Oh and finally. The poster didn't say she was cheating or even thinking/planning to have an affair. She was talking about her *feelings* and got roundly bashed for expressing them. Unbiased? Nope.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> I can't tell you how true this is.. My wife just a little more then a month ago was planing our 15 year anniversary to a romantic hotel and now I hear she has no feelings for me and is numb.. Yet I am so confused as to why. Things change in the blink of an eye and your left scratching head cause it makes no sense..


Phew...been there done that...went from "Baby I love you, you are the only thing that matters to me, I will do whatever it takes to make sure I never lose you"....to divorce 6 months later....still :scratchhead:....and now 2 nights in a row I've received texts from Mr. I love you but I'm not in love w/you...hmmm


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

My wife has a habit of holding things in till she explodes. It's a circle of bad habits. Until she learns to forgive and let things go it will haunt her and myself forever.. I hope the MC can help this.. Cause its a relationship killer for the rest of her life if she doesn't change it..


BTW: Her mother lives with us almost full time and she didn't know my wife was this bad off in our marriage. scary.. How could I know then??


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Ingrid said:


> Looks like you're not getting much non-biased advice here.
> 
> I don't know what to tell you, I feel in a similar situation, except, there is no real person out there waiting in the wings, just my vivid imagination of a greatly improved relationship.
> 
> ...



First of all, instead of cheating, you get a divorce...then you go out and find someone else. If her husband was abusive, id tell her to get out and then persue the other guy. If her husband had done ANYTHING wrong id be more inclined to be "more" non-biased. Unfortunately, by her words, the only thing he's done wrong is marry her in the first place. Shame on him.




John


----------



## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

Ingrid said:


> Looks like you're not getting much non-biased advice here.
> 
> I don't know what to tell you, I feel in a similar situation, except, there is no real person out there waiting in the wings, just my vivid imagination of a greatly improved relationship.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------

