# Abusive relationship - need some advice



## mist (Jul 24, 2012)

Hello friends, i m reading this forum for some time and i have realised im in an abusive relationship. Thing is ,now im with my parents after a fight. I have a 2yrs old baby boy . 

In my culture marrage is forever . He was my friend, he was very nice before marrage. But after marrage he totaly changed. He is 6ft and im 5ft ,so he feel bad when walking on the road with me. Before marrage he said its ok. He dont like me sitting near with him when we go out with friends or relatives. 

He think i am his servent , even though im in feaver he need me to do chaores for him, if say im not well he will scream like maniac and break things in his hand like chair , remote ........ 

he will be very sweet person when he need money from me. when i get my salary and till i spend the lost penny for the month he is sweet, when i say i dont have money to spend, he will show his another face. He made me put personal loan and used it for his relative and i paid all the dept , again he made me put car loan and im paying for it, but he is not happy even if i touch the car. 

When i was pregnent he threated that he will kill me if i come to his room and dint even care when i was not well. he dont like to drop me in my native for delevery but want my debit card (salary account). 

When i came back with baby of 4 months old ,he said "u keep the baby , i want divorse " , its because before that i used to spend every penny i earn for the house not even buy good dress for myself... when i cam back with baby, i told him im going to save money for baby so i cant give house rent . so he got irritated because im not going to pay for house and said he want divorse . 

And that was not the first time, from day 1 when ever i say i dont have money he will start fight and say he want divorse, scold me in bad words and say im the one doing all bad things in his life. He said i have ruined his life. and used to say i am the reason him getting angry . 

i stoped talking to all, used to cry some time in office also. no one beleaves me , because he used act very smart and know how to talk with others. 

He showcased himself as a good father in front of others by laughing and playing with the baby, but once every one is gone he not even care when the baby is ill. 

baby loves him, when baby goes to knock the rome , he wont open the door, always keep the door locked , He wont let me and baby in his room, dont know what he was doing. once baby got seizure -fits and docter said dont make the baby cry for atleast a week , even after that also he wont let the baby in and baby used to knock the door and cry. he is that much heartless.



Never come to hospital when the baby is ill. says no time . not ready to spend money for his baby during ill. My parents are here supporting me , they are the one taking care of my baby.

He dont like my parents because they are supporting me. Now last month again a fight for money , and finally he told he will kill me and go to jail . from there im with my parent , now he is making a scene like he is missing the baby. Im frustrated and drained , i have not even a single day happiely lived with him. Now i dont want to see his face anymore, but everyone is insisting me to give him another chance.........


i dont like to give another chance but he is making every one beleive he is missing the baby very much and just want a chance to live with baby.......(he know i am verymuch frustrated and ready for seperation)

i have seen lot of life stories here like me and i can see he is just acting , becuae from starting he yells at me, tell i m not good for him, scold me in bad words........... for others including my systers he is a very very good person, but im the only one know his real nature............. no no ones beleving me


going to be 4 years of marrage ....... now i dont like him , based on his activities he want me to be his servernt not wife but he wants my money . 

i dont want him to be in my life anymore but he is comming back because of baby..............dont know waht to do........ please give me some advice.......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is clearly abusive and you should not go back with him or give him another chance. He keeps threatening to kill you. One day he very well might.

Can you get a VAR (voice activated recorder)? If you can, keep it on you at all times when he is around. When I've used one I keep it in my bra. Just make sure that if it has a light on it that you put dark tape over the light.

If you do this you can get recordings of him being abusive to you. Then you can let others hear what you are dealing with.

Many abusie people only behave badly at home behind closed doors with their family. You are just going to have to tell your family and freinds that they need to trust you when you say that he is abusive when no one is around.

Does he say bad things about your parents, sisters and friends? If he does, try to get him to say them when you have the VAR running. With that you will show these people that his is a hypocrite and is only play acting to their face.


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## mist (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi Elegirl, thanks for your advice, i ll defenitely do it. 
I'm writing here because atleast here there are people who beleive me and advice me. In reallife there is no one here to be my side. Really really thanks for your reply... 

I dont want to raise my child to be in an abusive environment. hope i will get away from him soon.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mist, keep posting here for support. More people will come along to give you support as well.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

And stay safe.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

mist,

You're a strong woman. I'm sorry you have had to put up with this crap. You owe it to yourself and your child to get out of this marriage. 

I assume you're from an Eastern culture where these situations are exponentially harder to get out of than the typical abusive marriage.

You are forever tied to your husband because of the child you have together. He is not going to make life easy for you when he realizes your intention is to divorce him. Make sure you're ready for that.

You will be going through a painful period of emotional instability that brings about a lot of guilt, confusion, anger and sadness. Be prepared for that as well, but don't change course. Stay focused on the final prize which is freedom from abuse.

Your husband may or may not come to his senses. That's absolutely not your concern. He has deep core issues to resolve and that will take him anywhere from 3-10 years of serious therapy before he even has a shot at becoming a decent life partner. You are under no obligation to suffer through that. 

Keep posting here. Don't think of your feelings as 'final' under any circumstance as you will be going up and down the roller coaster for at least a few months. 

EleGirl is an excellent person to seek advice from when it comes to legal issues. 

You're not alone. Never forget that.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your husband is abusive and you need to get out of that relationship as soon as possible. I don't know which country you're in, but you might want to contact Women's Aid and find out what resources are available where you live. Here is a link to them:- www.womenaid.org

The only thing that changes with an abuser is that the abuse gets worse. Please protect yourself and your child by leaving your H.

In the meanwhile, keep yourself safe online by deleting your browsing history everytime you post online. It's important not to let your H know that you're trying to find ways to leave him, as his abuse can escalate. http://www.computerhope.com/issues/ch000510.htm


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

Please, please, please be safe! I understand no one believing you...that is how abusive people work...if people thought they were abusive, no one would come near them. They hide it REALLY well. Make a plan, have things you will need ready like birth certificate, money, etc...anything you might need after you get out. As soon as you can, leave. Get out and get your child out. It is a scary thing but you can't be a good mom if he kills you.


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## mist (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi All,

Thanks for all your support. As "synthetic" said i am undergoing all bad things now. I am from India -coutry know for its tradition. In name of tradition they are ruining every girls life. 

Now as per the suggustion i took all my thing from my house and left to my parents house. They tried to talk to me to resolve the issue. He made promisses to every one(My syster , her husband and husbands family) that he will change and he will keep me good if i come back. I know him very well he is excelent actor, he manipulates everyone and make them beleave he care for me and baby. So every one including my pares and systres adviced me to give him a chance. Even they threatened me to give a chance.

His brother came to my parents house to resolve the issues, but everything went wrong. He created a fight and he irritatede my father and make him screem at him. He take that as a chance and took the baby from our house . We thout he is having the child with him, but he sent him to his brother's which 500km from here.

Now they are threatening me to leave the job and live with this manic for 3 month else they wont give my child. I asked everyone to return my child back but no one listened. So i gave a police complaint on him and his brother.


Now the sad part is my own systre and her husband are helping him and they came top police station saying he is very good in taking care of baby and i am the one making problems. My brother-in-law dont like me from start and now he is taking vengence by this. He arranged his relative as a lawer for this manic.

Apart from all they are torturing my child by took him away from me . Husband is here only. Baby is in husbands native in his brother's home. 

They all are palning to take away my child from me. I am so heart broken when i see my own syster helped him all the way . My lawer said that the baby is too youg and there is law that baby should be with mother till 5 years. I am praying god to give my baby back to me. Please friends pray for me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mist,

You and your baby are in my prayers. I hope that your lawyer can get y our baby back for you.

Isn't what they did considered kidnapping? Surely there are laws against that.

It's teribble when your own family will not stand by you against an abusive husband.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Mist

Find emotional, legal and financial support where ever you can. If you can hold out, by what you wrote, a judge will give you custody of your child. The people on this forum are very empathetic in a case like this, however, get additional support if you can. It must be really hard on your emotions to have your family go to his side and not support you.

I cannot understand your sister and family not giving you 100% support. The way hat you described your husband he is very disturbed man.

Did I understand you right that your husband’s brother took the child out of the house that you were in? That seems like an act that the authorities would take action on and get the child back for you. Are you in the United States?


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## mist (Jul 24, 2012)

I am in India. And yes my husbond's brother and husband only took the child from my house . Husband staying back here in his house and sent the child with his brother to his native.

While talking to his brother on phone asking him to bring the child back he told me "even a kidnapper wont think of taking a baby away from his mother" ,they keep on asking me to live with my husband but they dont listen or hear about what i am saying about his behaviour, Their family just want me to live with him to save their so called family tradition. They dont care whether he is hurting me or killing me.. or asking for divorce. They just want me to adjust him and his brother said i have to leave the job and live with him for some months then only they will give my child back.

They are balckmailing me by taking my child ,they are worse than a kidnaper ..........


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Even if, in your culture, marriage is unbreakable, separation can be a way to keep yourself safe.

You have married a dreadful and abusive man. Do not go back to him. Your life alone with your child would be better than being with him. 

Find an attorney to get joint custody. Keep track of his abusive behavior and see if you can get proof. This situation is not safe for you or your child. Have you contacted the police yet? Are you in a position to get good legal help?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Don't go back to your husband. It's your only leverage in this messed up situation.

mist, I'm not Indian, but I'm from a culture where these things have happened (not often) and can understand the hardship you have to deal with. Unfortunately it's hard to label your sister, brother in laws and even your husband as evil people because what they're doing can often be justified (in their own mind) as tradition. It's not completely their fault that they're behaving this way because they simply don't know any better.

You will get your child back. Continue to harass the police. Your kid should be with you. Everyone knows that. They will eventually give in if you stand your ground.

DON'T GO BACK. If you do, next time will be harder.


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## RECHTSANWALT (Oct 5, 2011)

Mist
You have a strong case to file for divorce (spousal cruelty). You need to think carefully about this option. It looks like you are prepared to divorce him, but given your family connections, can you live with the consequences (your sister not being supportive of you, for example)? You need to think of this objectively. No point venting your angst over your hubby.

Then comes child custody. For whatever reason, child custody laws are generally in favour of women. So you have a slight advantage. Do you have the papers for which you took loan, rent bills etc. This will aid your divorce case and strengthen your position WRT to the baby, as the court will know you have been the more responsible spouse. The sooner you wean your baby away from your abusive husband, the better it is for him/her.

Consult a good lawyer. Also you can seek help on indusladies.com. This site is for Indian women largely, but trust me when I tell you that people on TAM are a lot more balanced and mature. 

You need to move quickly. 
Good luck.

P.S: India is progressive and the traditions are fine. There are many single mothers too.


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## mist (Jul 24, 2012)

Thank you "RECHTSANWALT"

I have proof for car loan. I have contacted a lawyer now, they said in police station they will bring back my child this Wednesday. I’m waiting for my baby to come. It’s been 2 weeks now.


. I asked my sister to keep away from my family problem but she think she is helping me and so she is not ready to give up. I can’t blame her for this but she should listen to me which she is not. I came to know that most of this thing happened is because of my brother in law. 

I was with my sister after her marriage for some reason and i spent 3 years there. My brother in law comes home in weekends as he was working in another city. He was possessive on me because my sister used to say she love me more than her husband. He created lot of problem for me when i was there. Later i came out of the house and thought he has changed. But he is very cunning and i felt very bad when i find out, he is still not satisfied with what he has done to my life . 


Because of him i came out of the house, because of him i married my husband. Now they all working together and ruining my life. When i came to know thing he said about me , i can clearly see he is the one planned everything regarding taking baby from me. 


There is lawyer who is helping on every step they take. Now they said if i don’t live with my husband, they will give complaint on me(I don’t know on what basis). 



He just want to destroy my life, may be when i lose everything then only he will be satisfied. What a great minded fellow he is. Hope there is god, hope he help me with my problem.


Thanks a lot friend for your morale support/reply.


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## mist (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi all,

Again and again they are postponding to bring my child. I gave a complaint in station 10 days agao and they asked my husband to bring the child on Sunday. They postponed to Monday, again to Wednessday . Now they again postponed to sunday and the reason they are saying is my child is undergoing a treatment. 
I dont know what tratment they are giving. 



I am so worried , i know they are lying . i think they are applying for child custody..... i just want to get away from him......


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Mist:

Are there lawmakers in your city or district that you can talk to who can help you in your situation?


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## mist (Jul 24, 2012)

i gave complint in police station after consulting with a lawyer. From PS they called my brother in law to bring my child and asked my husband to come the next day(10 day before). In PS they gave a writen statement to retun my child on Last Sunday. But they gave a petion saying my child is undergoing a treatment there so they cant bring him here.

It's lie , they just want to postponed the time for some reason ....... They said my child is in treatment but not saying what treatment....... My baby was in good health when they took him from me...........


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

mist said:


> i gave complint in police station after consulting with a lawyer. From PS they called my brother in law to bring my child and asked my husband to come the next day(10 day before). In PS they gave a writen statement to retun my child on Last Sunday. But they gave a petion saying my child is undergoing a treatment there so they cant bring him here.
> 
> It's lie , they just want to postponed the time for some reason ....... They said my child is in treatment but not saying what treatment....... My baby was in good health when they took him from me...........


Be patient. They won't hurt your baby or anything. They just want to make you lose patience and come back. And that's what you WON'T do, right?


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