# Sex problems in marriage and relationship issues



## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

14 ago I met a woman online and we eventually lived together, then I asked her to marry me. We are OK together, her birthday is two days before mine, she is very nice and we get along for the most part and had a good sex life. And then my luck did its usual crap on me and I ended up with ED. And my Testosterone level is like 19. I am trying to lose weight but it just won’t go away, and I cannot perform, and to make matters worse, I know there are things we could do together, but she tells me that her breasts do nothing for her, so it is no use to “play with them” and trying to do oral sex or use my hands doesn’t do anything for her. The only way she can orgasm is if she manually stimulates herself or uses a toy on herself. So I might as well not even bother. I am useless and now it is like living with a room mate. We say Hi to each other, occasionally kiss, sleep in the same bed but otherwise there is nothing between us. She doesn’t mind, she says since menopause, she really isn’t into sex that much so she could care less. Unfortunately sex is still on my mind even though I can do nothing about it… Life ****ing sucks…


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Are you working with your Dr's (Internist and urologist) to work on a) the low testosterone, and b) ED?
Have you tried the regular ED drugs? Are you getting testosterone shots?
YES losing weight will help, but you need to work with the Medical professionals to make sure you are getting good solid advice.

VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Are you working with your Dr's (Internist and urologist) to work on a) the low testosterone, and b) ED?
> Have you tried the regular ED drugs? Are you getting testosterone shots?
> YES losing weight will help, but you need to work with the Medical professionals to make sure you are getting good solid advice.
> 
> VERY sorry you are going through this.


Unfortunately my VA Doctor refuses to put me on Testosterone because he says there are to many side effects. He has given me Rx for viagra but even at 100 mg I cannot get a full erection. I was sent to a Urologist who told me everything looked fine and I should have no problem. Unfortunately I have nerve damage in my left leg from my lower back and everything is slightly numb. I can feel a little but not like it used to be. With enough stimulation I can have an orgasm so I occasionally masturbate but it just isn't the same as having actual contact with someone else..


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If you have a 19 testosterone level, your urologist is WRONG. That is NOT normal. He said you SHOULD have no problem, but the reality is you DO have a problem. I would CERTAINLY get a second opinion.
Instead of Viagra, have you tried Cialis? That may work better for you.
I don't know the full side effects of Testosterone shots nor your medical history, so maybe the Dr has valid points.
If you want to lose weight, go LOW CARB (like 6g in morning, 6 for lunch, and 12 for dinner) - NO sugar, NO bread/pasta/rice, be careful of fruit (most are high in natural sugars).


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> 14 ago I met a woman online and we eventually lived together, then I asked her to marry me. We are OK together, her birthday is two days before mine, she is very nice and we get along for the most part and had a good sex life. And then my luck did its usual crap on me and I ended up with ED. And my Testosterone level is like 19. I am trying to lose weight but it just won’t go away, and I cannot perform, and to make matters worse, I know there are things we could do together, but she tells me that her breasts do nothing for her, so it is no use to “play with them” and trying to do oral sex or use my hands doesn’t do anything for her. The only way she can orgasm is if she manually stimulates herself or uses a toy on herself. So I might as well not even bother. I am useless and now it is like living with a room mate. We say Hi to each other, occasionally kiss, sleep in the same bed but otherwise there is nothing between us. She doesn’t mind, she says since menopause, she really isn’t into sex that much so she could care less. Unfortunately sex is still on my mind even though I can do nothing about it… Life f**king sucks…





Gomezaddams51 said:


> Unfortunately my VA Doctor refuses to put me on Testosterone because he says there are to many side effects. He has given me Rx for viagra but even at 100 mg I cannot get a full erection. I was sent to a Urologist who told me everything looked fine and I should have no problem. Unfortunately I have nerve damage in my left leg from my lower back and everything is slightly numb. I can feel a little but not like it used to be. With enough stimulation I can have an orgasm so I occasionally masturbate but it just isn't the same as having actual contact with someone else..



My recommendation is that you make an appointment to see a doctor at a men's health clinic. These clinics are not usually covered by insurance (and surely not by the VA) but they can provide you the testosterone replacement therapy you need at affordable out-of-pocket cost. The men's health clinic can also provide you other options to deal with the erectile dysfunction directly such as p-shot therapy and effective shockwave therapy. 

Instead of the pills you can ask to prescribe the Trimix injections. This is a medicine that is injected along the top of the penis shaft using an autoinjector. It works within 1 - 10 minutes and lasts about 2 hours.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I have low testosterone. As a result of my diagnosis and the complexity of treatment, I have read numerous books, talked to multiple physicians and monitored my treatment to make sure my health is maximized. There are many symptoms to low testosterone in addition to ED. Bone loss. Depression. Lethargy. Higher risk for diabetes, osteoporosis, and cardiac risks. In addition, a high percentage of those with prostate cancer are found to have low testosterone. This isn't a complete list.

I have been treated for about 4 years and life is now great. I am not the same person. I have more energy, more libido, I am less grumpy, more healthy, there is no way I could go back. I go to an A4M doctor that tests my blood for everything, much more than you would test for at a checkup. She is not in my network and I pay cash. About a year after becoming her patient, my menopausal wife wanted to become a patient and get her hormones balanced. She is on female hormones plus a testosterone cream. She feels so much better and her sex drive is much better than it was even 20 years ago. 

In my opinion, there is a medical solution to all of the problems you are having. It may cost out of pocket and the cost may be significant. But, it is worth it. Because of my energy levels, I make much more than I did when I had low testosterone. But, even if I didn't, my life is so much better. Consider it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Can you afford a doctor outside the VA? It would be well worth it if you can. There are hormone specialists who can probably help you, but it is probably equally important to lose weight. With such a low T level, it will be more difficult, as exercise won't build muscle well without the T - but it will help. Diet is more important for losing weight, so I'd suggest focusing on that while you sort out the T supplement issue.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

I have thought about going to an outside Endocrinologist. There are a few that will take Tric-Care and Medicare. Unfortunately being retired, money is tight so I am looking at low cost options. I was getting going to call right about the time the stupid virus hit and everything shut down. Heck I haven't even been able to go to the VA because of the shutdown. Anyway I hope that now things are opening again I can get an appointment with the endocronologist. I saw one place that uses some sort of sound waves or something like that, It is pretty expensive though. I need to see about getting the Spinal Stenosis fixed, since it is part of my numbness problem...

I have tried Cialis and it works about the same as Viagra.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I have thought about going to an outside Endocrinologist. There are a few that will take Tric-Care and Medicare. Unfortunately being retired, money is tight so I am looking at low cost options. I was getting going to call right about the time the stupid virus hit and everything shut down. Heck I haven't even been able to go to the VA because of the shutdown. Anyway I hope that now things are opening again I can get an appointment with the endocronologist. I saw one place that uses some sort of sound waves or something like that, It is pretty expensive though. I need to see about getting the Spinal Stenosis fixed, since it is part of my numbness problem...
> 
> I have tried Cialis and it works about the same as Viagra.


 If you have Medicare, you should be able to find a primary care physician or endocrinologist who will treat you. I get testosterone shots at home twice a week. My shots cost me about $40 a month but may cost less with your prescription plan. If you wind up getting shots, make sure you get at least one a week. The half life of testosterone is 8 days, but some doctors don't understand that and put guys on monthly shots or shots every two weeks and that is just a hormonal rollercoaster. Creams and gels can work well too but may be more expensive


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> If you have Medicare, you should be able to find a primary care physician or endocrinologist who will treat you. I get testosterone shots at home twice a week. My shots cost me about $40 a month but may cost less with your prescription plan. If you wind up getting shots, make sure you get at least one a week. The half life of testosterone is 8 days, but some doctors don't understand that and put guys on monthly shots or shots every two weeks and that is just a hormonal rollercoaster. Creams and gels can work well too but may be more expensive


Not sure if it is available everywhere, but my doctor prescribes me testosterone shots that I take myself at home, twice weekly. I get the vial of serum and all the supplies FedEx to my home. Its simple and does wonders for me.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I have thought about going to an outside Endocrinologist. There are a few that will take Tric-Care and Medicare. Unfortunately being retired, money is tight so I am looking at low cost options. I was getting going to call right about the time the stupid virus hit and everything shut down. Heck I haven't even been able to go to the VA because of the shutdown. Anyway I hope that now things are opening again I can get an appointment with the endocronologist. I saw one place that uses some sort of sound waves or something like that, It is pretty expensive though. I need to see about getting the Spinal Stenosis fixed, since it is part of my numbness problem...
> 
> I have tried Cialis and it works about the same as Viagra.


At one point, I saw a urologist that took Tricare and they authorized Aveed injections every 10 weeks. My T was around 190 (vs 19 like OP) at the time. Got my T to around 300 but I didn’t feel as I did on pellets so I went back on the pellets from a health and vitality center and for $700 every five months my T level hovers around 800. When my level was low, my morning wood was weak and lame orgasms, couldn’t imagine being close to zero.

Of course, for the OP, he’s in a bad spot in that even if he could get up like a teenager she’s still not interested. But you need to the the T-levels up for the fact of avoiding depression and more weight gain.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> She doesn’t mind, she says since menopause, she really isn’t into sex that much so she could care less.


I think you struggle with performance anxiety out of a need to please/pleasure your wife and wanting her to validate that. A psychology book would describe that as if you are observing yourself during sex instead of being emotionally present for your spouse.

For sex most people desire pleasure and an emotional connection. The emotional connection is more important than the pleasure or an orgasm. The pleasure part of sex is about caring for one another and making each other feel accepted. I think your wife is trying to do exactly THAT! She is trying to get you to let go of your performance anxieties by telling you that the pleasure part of sex is not important for her (although she is likely capable of enjoying herself). Instead she likely wants you to let go of your anxiety and just be yourself. If you still want to be pleasured, she would likely be willing to try. She would probably feel a strong emotional connection to you just by knowing that she can still please you (and subsequently feel pleasure herself).

Does life still suck? Well sometimes "sucking" is the best part depending on how you look at it! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Normal range for testosteron is between 300 and 1000. How much exactly is your testosterone?

I call bs with your doctor. Low testostersone has way more side effects than taking testosterone. Go for second opinion


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Normal range for testosteron is between 300 and 1000. How much exactly is your testosterone?
> 
> I call bs with your doctor. Low testostersone has way more side effects than taking testosterone. Go for second opinion


I COMPLETELY agree. I have been taking testosterone for a few years, after getting mine tested at the low end of "normal" for my age (45). It has been amazing.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

WandaJ said:


> Normal range for testosteron is between 300 and 1000. How much exactly is your testosterone?
> 
> I call bs with your doctor. Low testostersone has way more side effects than taking testosterone. Go for second opinion


One thing to add, in my experience, labs and docs all have different thresholds for what is low. I was told 300, 275, 200 are the low limits. Regardless of the number, it’s about being symptomatic: hot-flashes, low libido, increased belly fat, and no motivation. The other part is that docs and insurance will keep you just above the top of the low #. That why I paid out of pocket and got my life back.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I paid out of pocket and can get what I want, not what the insurance company things is best. My doctors approach was about quality of life and vitality, not just treating because its low. Almost everyone will decrease naturally with age, but at 45, I feel more like 30 again and love it. My belly fat is reduced, my workouts are much more effective, muscle tone way better, way more metal focus and motivation. 

I dont love that I am as horny as a teenager, since sex is an issue in my marriage (obviously, based on my posts in TAM), but its a trade off. To be honest, as much as a high sex drive causes some issues for me, it is part of me and dont think I would want it to go away.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

I went through all the Endocrinologists listed for Medicare and for Tricare. All but one said they needed a referral for either insurance to kick in. The one who said to come in said first visit is $250 and then $150 a week after that. I cannot even come close to paying that. Kind of a catch 22... Anyone know if I can go to a internal medicine doctor that takes medicare?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> I went through all the Endocrinologists listed for Medicare and for Tricare. All but one said they needed a referral for either insurance to kick in. The one who said to come in said first visit is $250 and then $150 a week after that. I cannot even come close to paying that. Kind of a catch 22... Anyone know if I can go to a internal medicine doctor that takes medicare?


Why can't you get a referral from your Primary Care Doctor...??


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Find one of those cheap public health outlet things.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Why can't you get a referral from your Primary Care Doctor...??


Two words....Veterans Administration... My doctor referred me to the VA Endo who said everything is fine and he refuses to put me on Testosterone because there are to many problems...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you go to the medicare.gov website, there is a way to put in what kind of doctor you need and then your zip code and it will tell you which doctors are listed that take Medicare of that certain type.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Two words....Veterans Administration... My doctor referred me to the VA Endo who said everything is fine and he refuses to put me on Testosterone because there are to many problems...


I would say you need to go back to your doctor then, and complain...that's what I had to do with my husband. 
And I don't know that an Endo is the best specialist to see about low Testosterone - you might have more success with a Urologist, especially a MALE urologist. 
Either way, go back to your doctor and tell him the one he sent you to didn't want to listen, and you want another referral.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease...!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Two words....Veterans Administration... My doctor referred me to the VA Endo who said everything is fine and he refuses to put me on Testosterone because there are to many problems...


Also, get copies of your labs from them, and research what those numbers mean! Many times, when a doctor says "everything looks normal" about your results, they are just being lazy, because they don't want to take the time to consider what your results mean for YOU. "Normal" numbers are lab-specific, NOT doctor specific!!!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

The top Test level is 1200. My Dr said she has found men feel best between 1000-1100. I have given myself injection since 37yrs old. A 10cc vial of testosterone cyphonate is ~$70 without insurance at Kroger Pharmacy and Walgreen Pharmacy. I am perscribed 1/2 ml 2x/week. So that $70 vial lasts 2.5 months. Dont ever let a Dr twll you that you are in normal range....what is the #. 

The side effects of not taking T injections are more severe than taking them. T injections increase blood cell count so it is wise to donate blood on a regular basis so your blood does not get thick. 

You and wife both need HRT and life will be soo much better.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You can’t lose weight with your testosterone so low. It will end up causing other problems as well.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Well I went to a new Doc today and it looks like I am going to get the T shots. She just wants to make sure my Diabetes and other things are down to normal... Dammnit no more chocolate cake... My wife is a chocoholic...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Well I went to a new Doc today and it looks like I am going to get the T shots. She just wants to make sure my Diabetes and other things are down to normal... Dammnit no more chocolate cake... My wife is a chocoholic...


Awesome!!! Perseverance served you well. You want wood or cake? Give her beef cake instead. The doctors are so loaded down with garbage these days that you have to be your own advocate.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> Well I went to a new Doc today and it looks like I am going to get the T shots. She just wants to make sure my Diabetes and other things are down to normal... Dammnit no more chocolate cake... My wife is a chocoholic...


Belly fat is bad to aromatize testosterone and convert it into estrogen. Check estrogen levels, you most likely will need an aromatace inhibitor.


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## Mr.Joe (Jul 25, 2020)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> 14 ago I met a woman online and we eventually lived together, then I asked her to marry me. We are OK together, her birthday is two days before mine, she is very nice and we get along for the most part and had a good sex life. And then my luck did its usual crap on me and I ended up with ED. And my Testosterone level is like 19. I am trying to lose weight but it just won’t go away, and I cannot perform, and to make matters worse, I know there are things we could do together, but she tells me that her breasts do nothing for her, so it is no use to “play with them” and trying to do oral sex or use my hands doesn’t do anything for her. The only way she can orgasm is if she manually stimulates herself or uses a toy on herself. So I might as well not even bother. I am useless and now it is like living with a room mate. We say Hi to each other, occasionally kiss, sleep in the same bed but otherwise there is nothing between us. She doesn’t mind, she says since menopause, she really isn’t into sex that much so she could care less. Unfortunately sex is still on my mind even though I can do nothing about it… Life f**king sucks…


Regardless of whether you can't keep up a firm erection, you may at present have the option to climax. Indeed, even without intercourse, you and your wife can give each other a lot of sexual delight. All you need is a little creativity. Common masturbation can support you and your wife realize what you both appreciate. You can likewise utilize sex toys, for example, vibrators, to stimulate one another. Both manual and oral incitement can be fun and fulfilling. Remember, sex doesn't have to remain in your bed. You can get intimate while watching a sexy movie or playing a naughty prepackaged game. Be adventurous and have fun!


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> 14 ago I met a woman online and we eventually lived together, then I asked her to marry me. We are OK together, her birthday is two days before mine, she is very nice and we get along for the most part and had a good sex life. And then my luck did its usual crap on me and I ended up with ED. And my Testosterone level is like 19. I am trying to lose weight but it just won’t go away, and I cannot perform, and to make matters worse, I know there are things we could do together, but she tells me that her breasts do nothing for her, so it is no use to “play with them” and trying to do oral sex or use my hands doesn’t do anything for her. The only way she can orgasm is if she manually stimulates herself or uses a toy on herself. So I might as well not even bother. I am useless and now it is like living with a room mate. We say Hi to each other, occasionally kiss, sleep in the same bed but otherwise there is nothing between us. She doesn’t mind, she says since menopause, she really isn’t into sex that much so she could care less. Unfortunately sex is still on my mind even though I can do nothing about it… Life f**king sucks…


Go to a homeopath to deal with lowT


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Belly fat is bad to aromatize testosterone and convert it into estrogen. Check estrogen levels, you most likely will need an aromatace inhibitor.


My testosterone level was 39...yes that is right...3...9.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

moon7 said:


> Go to a homeopath to deal with lowT


 Uhh there are some things that a homeopath can't fix and testosterone this low is one of them.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> My testosterone level was 39...yes that is right...3...9.


Crap!!! Mine was 223 and i was a zombie. It is now between 1000-1100 with injections. Topical did not work. Dr said some people absorb better than others.


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