# Do I do lunch or not?



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

The cliff notes background. Wife asked for a D back in Feb, seeing a MC, recently discovered she is regularly doing lunch with ex pro-ball player. Yesterday I asked if she wanted to lunch, which is something we used to do all the time. I saw in her emails last night that her and her sister who works with her were exchanging emails about doing lunch and not being seen by me. These emails were followed by her emailing the ex ball player and asking him when he can do lunch. 

I decided to go into 180 mode yesterday. This morning she asked if I wanted to do lunch today. Do I or don't I?


----------



## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Good lord no. You're reading her emails and she's going to lunch with another man? Get away from this woman.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

rider03 said:


> Good lord no. You're reading her emails and she's going to lunch with another man? Get away from this woman.


I am not at the stage to just get away from her, but simply want to know if it would be wise to have lunch or not since I am doing the 180. Those who know about this method, please chime in.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

playing second fiddle to the ex pro football player.

I would have lunch and then ask if her football player boy friend would like to join you.hey might as well have her sister join in the fun.

ex pro football player............Has money,in shape,

you ........needy and still trying to hold on don't look good for you 

I would move on, but good luck in your 180 thing.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She wants the divorce, you're separated, she's going out with another guy.

Detach. Stat.

If you want to go to lunch, only discuss the legalities of your D.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Naw bro, no lunch date, not when its obvious that you are playing backseat to the other dude. No sloppy seconds here thanks. She's moving closer to him... as she edges further away from you. All this will do is continue to hurt you.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

If you are in 180 mode, "No -- until she decides to fully commit to the relationship". Not 45 or 90... 180.
Problem is, YOU asked HER. If you're in 180 mode - why?


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

No lunch with the soon to be ex. Go get a laywer and start making plans for a happy future. She is just playing with you and doesn't respect you.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

2xloser said:


> If you are in 180 mode, "No -- until she decides to fully commit to the relationship". Not 45 or 90... 180.
> Problem is, YOU asked HER. If you're in 180 mode - why?


I asked her Tuesday to lunch and then found all the emails showing she was avoiding me. 180 started after.

I opted to not do lunch. I will check her emails later to see if she reached out to ex pro-baseball player for lunch in my place.

Place you bets.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good choice.
I wonder how lunch was with the ball player?
We all know damb well she did or will.

Stay strong the 180 is tough...as you can see your already thinking about contacting her. Stay away.... it will only bring more pain and confussion for your self. 

She will for sure tell you all tthat you want to hear so that you will be in the back burner when she needs you.

So stick with the 180 and when she does need/want you, then you can tell her until she NC the OM and has recommited to the marriage then there is no reason to be friends with her.


----------



## Betty Betty (Apr 13, 2011)

I would suggest saying something like "Darn kinda short notice I already have lunch plans today, could you do another day this week or next?" That way she is left wondering who you are going to lunch with. (Supports the 180) but you are still able to see her. Make sure to try to be as vague as possible on what you lunch plans are today. IE "Owe just some work thing, nothing important!"


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thanks for the support.

I will see the emails in a few hours and report my findings. I can feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about it.

The tough part is we meet with the MC tomorrow, who knows what I know. I have asked that we do NOT discuss this, as we have a family roadtrip planned for someone who actually loves and respects me, and I do not want her bailing on the trip which would make me do the same to protect my interests.

This will be a real test of my abilities to keep my mouth shut, but that is what the 180 is all about.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Think she caught on to me checking the emails. She did arrange to do lunch with my loving sister-in-law (not) and in the exchange one of the emails left said, I will delete this one too...ha. I must have given too many clues. Shame on me. Sounds like they did lunch, but ball player no emails. 

I am done with looking anyway. I will address this with her after the weekend.

Side note: We have not slept in the same bed for years, not because things were bad, just a preference in bed type and the fact we married later in life, no kids, plenty of room. This never stopped the crawl in and spooning in the morning, which was a shared initiation up to D day.

Since D Day, I have crawled in every morning respectfully. Two days ago when the 180 started, I stopped. This morning she crawled in with me. I wasn't sure if I should hold her or just lay there being in 180 mode. I opted to just lay there. Also, do I make this a shared effort if I start crawling back in from time to time?


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

This is me said:


> Think she caught on to me checking the emails. She did arrange to do lunch with my loving sister-in-law (not) and in the exchange one of the emails left said, I will delete this one too...ha. I must have given too many clues. Shame on me. Sounds like they did lunch, but ball player no emails.
> 
> I am done with looking anyway. I will address this with her after the weekend.
> 
> ...



Tough call -- easy to say "no", tougher to do... but imho, NO -not if you're really in 180 mode. Not if she's not committed to trying. Kind of "all-in... or all-out."


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Tough call -- easy to say "no", tougher to do... but imho, NO -not if you're really in 180 mode. Not if she's not committed to trying. Kind of "all-in... or all-out."


Thanks. The thing is, she is partially in. We are going to MC, some areas of our lives she is still connecting and showing some effort. The degree she is trying is, in my eyes, minimal at best and very little initiation to making changes on her part. Plus, as I have found her tone behind my back with sis-in-law and stud baseball boy is not helpful to repairing the marriage. They just fuel the bad stuff. My heart wants to be loving, but my head says I need to change what I have been doing, hence the 180.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I repeat: ***ALL*** in... or ALL out.
It takes 2 to make it work... and only one to make it not work. 
Tough words, I know.... tough love, my friend. No ther way, imho.
Good luck to you.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

This is me said:


> Thanks. The thing is, she is partially in. We are going to MC, some areas of our lives she is still connecting and showing some effort. The degree she is trying is, in my eyes, minimal at best and very little initiation to making changes on her part. Plus, as I have found her tone behind my back with sis-in-law and stud baseball boy is not helpful to repairing the marriage. They just fuel the bad stuff. My heart wants to be loving, but my head says I need to change what I have been doing, hence the 180.


Sounds like she wants you to be her "Plan B" in case baseball boy doesn't work out.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sigh. Give your head a shake.

The tone of the conversations? Her sister in law?

Friend, not only is your wife holding absolutely no respect for you, but neither is her sister.

What are you scared of? Thing to get worse? Your just enabling the behavior by keeping silent, staying in doormat mode. I'm not being mean here. You need o find boundaries. What woman is ever attracted to a doormat? You need to find yourself again...that person you were before the relationship. You know! That man inside of you that got suppressed.

Go to the men's clubhouse and read up on boundaries and manning up. Stick fully to the 180. In fact, call up dear old sis and tell her you won't tolerate her behavior towards the marriage. If she keeps it up, she will never be welcome in your home again, ever.

No cuddling. No lunches. No MC until she's ready to fully commit. Your just wasting your money if she doesn't. And, why are you scared to bring up th OM in counseling? Never ever ever ever be scared to speak your mind to your wife. Otherwise you remain that doormat forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Great point on calling dear old sis. She is an enemy of your marriage and a direct threat, and she needs to be removed from the equation as much as possible. Tough to do, but necessary!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So did you ever challenge her with having an affair with the ball player?


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> So did you ever challenge her with having an affair with the ball player?


Yes. The conversation happened yesterday and she swears they are nothing more than friends. I pointed out that on the same day I was asking to do lunch she was emailing him and asking him. Denied me but interested in him.

We had a lengthy discussion yesterday which was good. I tend to believe her, but pointed out how this is a double standard and unhealthy while we are going to a MC.

Of course she is mad that I checked her email, but pointed out she left it wide open for me to see and what I saw drew me in.


----------

