# Not so much



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Back to work today after a long holiday. So many around me having spent copious amounts of time with family and friends, I get the usual "post-holiday" "how was your holidays" question and offer the superficial fakeness that is my current mantra.
No need to delve into the lackluster attempt a man makes at creating a holiday atmosphere with one child, a girl, and trying to make it appear special. Thank God for X-box..
Everything between my daugher and I was really good, not as good as a complete family would have been, but it was a lot better than expected. I worried mostly about my own state of mind as hers seemed disinterested in anything wrong or out of place. Her mother, my ex, has already made mention of her new man to my daughter. All of four months after our divorce from a 16 year relationship, I guess the "new man" is pretentiously a serious relationship, enough to tell our 10 year old who he is. I thought as parents youre supposed to wait until a relationship really does get serious before you involve the kids. B!tch just doesnt get it. Her zealousness to force the new relationship into something serious in her mind, and to convince herself in her own mind, how right her decision was to toss her family aside, has her current life appearing just fking dandy. Plus, her company just stopped one of its retirement programs, and all employees got a windfall check, so shes not hurtin for money either. How is it and when is it that karma is supposed to kick in again?? Gee, "the universe" has me sh!tting bricks and her currently living the fking highlife...
I think I wouldnt have had such a rough time, if when walking out into the driveway of my new house, that I had such a hell of a time getting into, I did not see her car parked less than a block away at her new mans house. Peering out of the window in my house over there, seeing her car there, and the lights go out in the upstairs window for a long night...
I walked a little ways down the street hoping it was not her license plate, but it was..
Kind of hard to get on with my own thing, knowing my childs mom is parked right down the street getting it on with the ever so serious new relationship...

It just shouldnt fking be this way.. what insult added to injury..

"I hope you find someone perfect for you Daddy".. Mommy sure did"...

UGHHhhh!!!!!
The accidental and cutting words of a child that dont understand... 

How I wished I could have explained what a fking a-hole her mom has become..


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey shoo, you may be sick of hearing it, but I genuinely wish you a good year to come - you deserve it.

I too am saddened and frustrasted having to deal with my ex, she took our son to the city where she was having her affairs, and her partying lifestyle - at first I never questioned her intent because she was going with her roomate (a single mom who also has a child my son's age) but when she mentioned they were staying with her friend (a woman) whom she met through one of her AP's there it triggered all kinds of uncertainty again.

I discussed this with her father, even though he really doesn't want to get involved I really needed to express my feelings about her to him - he doesn't want to know what horrible sh!t his daughter is capable of, and even though I don't question that she loves our child I really don't trust her judgement or ability to be honest.

I ended up spelling out the terms of our separation we are both agreeing to again as a reminder of her obligations - such as she has to be with him the whole time and there is to be no displays of affection with anyone, if she is not with him for any amount of time I have the right to know who he is with etc. It is not ideal, how could I even enforce any of this, but its the best I can do.

I know its hard, but you and I really do have to let go of that fear and anger towards the mothers of our children, mostly because we don't have a choice about it and also so we can focus on our own parental duties and life responsibilities.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Our daughters birthday is around the new years, so according to my daughters wishes, she, my ex, and I met for lunch on the kiddos birthday. 
It wasnt a bad lunch, no discussion of relationship issues, all very superficial, which was good. 
But then coming home, and about an hour later seeing her car down there. I just cant take it. 
Theres injury, which comes and goes, and one is given time to heal.
Then theres situations like this, that seem all-too-common for me in my life, that not only is there injury, theres a continuing salting of the wound that I pray for protection from, but then somehow I cant seem to get away from.
It hurts so much. I feel trapped because I cannot rid myself of the events that CONTINUE to pile on the sh!t. Trying to have and make a good life with my daughter when she is with me, but being beaten from within. Dont look down the street, I tell myself, but shes there. 
Back at work today, after a long break which was nice, except for seeing the ex all the time. Im so disturbed by the past weeks events, and I cant seem to find any relief from it. I just want to get away from her completely. This has removed the last thread of concern or care for that woman that I could remotely muster from the goodness of my own being,, to be cast aside like yesterdays news, only to be traded for utter greaseball trash. Then, to have to witness it. 
This is too much for me to take. 

Saw a girl on FB the other day, that has recently remarried. Her and her prior husband had two kids. This girl posts pictures of her kids laughing and smiling on her new husbands lap, with a caption that reads "the kids love their new step-dad"..
I'm sorry, but that would fking kill me. I think I would just take a walk into a freeway, and knowing that its a full-on possibility, Im just not ready for any of this. 
Why does this continue to dig deeper at me? Why does her life seem so much better now? It appears to reflect upon me, despite my knowing better than to let it, it appears that leaving me was the best thing for her!! 
I cant take another day like this.. its fcking killing me. 
Nice guys do finish last. I honestly feel like theres no place for me.
I think life is teaching me a lesson in how to be an assshole, and in order to protect myself, I am beginning to think thats all thats left for me.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Well thats it then. My rationale regarding marriage was too romaniticized and put on a pedestal, when it should have been regarded as nothing further than a casual encounter. All the faith I put in another person was my folly. I will be sure to never do that again. Lesson learned.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah the day I see my child spending quality time with some new partner my XW may choose will cut me deep. What you can do as a parent is your best - just make sure your daughter gets all your love, and should she ever be in peril due to your ex's poor choices be ready to take the action necessary to protect her. I know you are hurting bad right now, and it feels like you lose while she wins, and as long as you give in to that situation, that is how it will be. Go back to the 180, you have a chance to put yourself right, seek help with an IC to deal with the fallout and your NG/codependent issues. Your only path right now is the one you make for yourself, and your daughter needs her real dad, no one will ever fill your position.

And I know you don't want to hear this, but perhaps in time your xw will actually luck her way past her bad karma to a relationship with a decent man who would some day treat your daughter as a decent step-father should, wouldn't that be the best situation for your D and you? I think the hardest part is feeling like you will have to compete for your daughters love, but be a good dad and you never will have to.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks Lon.
I'm just uncovering the residual after-effects of all this. New hurts, bring on new pain, but the feelings dont last as long anymore, and thats good. I am actively in the middle of continuing to be the best dad I can be, unfortunately its not one of those issues that you can pluck out the eye if it offends you, instead you just have to eat a lot of sh!t sandwiches, and just when you think the last bit is over, heres a new plateful. I know its not right or mature to "wish" for karma to take effect.. it just temporarily feels better.
I also know that I cant let any of this change me for the worse. Hopefully I can glean some wisdom out of it, but I can sure see a quick path to a bitter retirement age, if I let it.
I wish I could afford some IC, that might be what I could use... so far its been my own family and friends that I know that have had this happen to them..

Listening to some of the women on this board, hearing the hurts theyve endured, has one small tiny sliver of a lining about it, which is that there are women out there that believe in integrity and faithfulness.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I'm sorry you're having so much pain. You might check with local counselors and see if someone will take you on a pro-rated basis based on what you can afford. Even one or two sessions a month might help you feel less overwhelmed. Sending good vibes your way. I know how hard it is.


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