# Rough day



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I have a sinus infection, didn't sleep last night, really missing the kids and what I HAD with my stbxw. I was able to stop by the house this morning and get a really long hug from my son (who is home sick with the flu). That made me feel better. 

But I had 11 years together with my stbxw, and I don't know what it is but when I feel sick I really realize more what I don't have right now with my stbxw. I know that this is her call, and that I will eventually find another person, yada yada but it's just one of those down days.

Had to vent. Hope other people have a great day, even though I'm not.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I hear you. I am having the same kind of day, but trying to get back on track. I was progressing well for a while, but then spent too much time thinking about my stbxw and sending her messages asking her to reconsider. She is not budging, and it's something I cannot change.

Time to refocus on what I CAN change, and that's me. Still sucks, but I am trying to move forward.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I have been reading the "No More Mister Nice Guy" book, as well as "The Energy Bus", I've been seeing things in me that I want to change for the better. Still on days like this it's tough, my mind gives me random trivial memories of the 11 years we were together. Still just tough to believe.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I hear ya. This Monday is been very difficult so far. Cold, cloudy and facing the reality of what I was fighting for a year...Divorce. The reality is right in front of me and it is sad sad sad.

I guess to try and spin this in a positive light, I hope most of the pain and misery will be gone by spring and summer. 

Hang in there brother!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I have been reading the "No More Mister Nice Guy" book, as well as "The Energy Bus", I've been seeing things in me that I want to change for the better. Still on days like this it's tough, my mind gives me random trivial memories of the 11 years we were together. Still just tough to believe.


I've been reading No Mr Nice Guy as well. Although I don't see where my childhood comes into play, I do recognize some behaviours. Some things I've read have been both eye-opening and empowering, such as losing oneself in a relationship where it becomes the focus of everything, at the expense of one's needs. Yep, that was me.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I tell myself that while I'm going through this, I know that somewhere my wife has also been struggling. She told me last week that "she doesn't know how to get through the hurt." That was a curious statement to me, as she initiated it. That prompted me to fall off track the 180 and ask if she was reconsidering divorce, she said no. She said she has a void in her life that she has to fill, she doesn't know what the void is, but she knows she has to go through the divorce. She said that she is utterly miserable. However, unfortunately I have to (for my own sake) doubt everything she is saying right now as lip service. I never thought I would get to that point. But I tell myself, I'm no one's second option, I deserve to be placed first.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

I had a bad too, on Sunday. I miss my son. I cannot find explanation to my wife actions, but I tell myself everything happens for the reason.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I tell myself that while I'm going through this, I know that somewhere my wife has also been struggling. She told me last week that "she doesn't know how to get through the hurt." That was a curious statement to me, as she initiated it. That prompted me to fall off track the 180 and ask if she was reconsidering divorce, she said no. She said she has a void in her life that she has to fill, she doesn't know what the void is, but she knows she has to go through the divorce. She said that she is utterly miserable. However, unfortunately I have to (for my own sake) doubt everything she is saying right now as lip service. I never thought I would get to that point. But I tell myself, I'm no one's second option, I deserve to be placed first.


Similar parallel for me this weekend. A couple of weeks ago, in MC, my STBX made the statement that there was zero chance of reconciliation and she wasn't going work towards that. So, a couple of days later, I closed joint checking and credit card accounts. Since then, my STBX seemed like she was softening in her resolve. My MC, who I saw solo, thought that he suspected that she had second thoughts about her statement.

So, yesterday, at our daughter's soccer game, I took her aside and asked her (at least I prefaced the question with "the MC thought you might be reconsidering. I promised him that I'd ask you."). She looked at me like I was from a different planet. no...no second thoughts. So, we're back on track for the big D.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah the stbxw mentions how we have been in each other's lives as friends for 11 years, she says it's tough that she doesn't have that anymore. She tried to say she understands why I can't talk to her (basically just fishing). For me to move past her, I have to be this emotionally stonefaced. I wouldn't mind being friends once I've fully moved past, but right now I can't.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

I agree. I'm fine with discussing with her logistics about the kids, finances, etc. But, I am not interested in being her buddy right now. Down the road, who knows. But for now, she has a lot of girlfriends to fill that need.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I hear you both. Same here.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I guess I can't second guess how I did all of this, but at least three times, I was ready to move on and she pulled me back in with her uncertainty. I am not sure if the pain would have been more or less than it is, but I can't help but think that I would be that much farther ahead if when she told me she wanted to divorce a year ago, if I just gave her what she wanted at the time, divorce. I did offer, but then she pulled me back in.

In the end, I will always know that I for one gave it my all, but it takes two to make it.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I can tell myself that I gave it my all, I can put my head down on my pillow at night knowing that I wasn't the one walking out on the marriage. I can look at my two beautiful children and know that I tried everything. But then my heart takes over from my mind, and my heart doesn't see yet that the person that is there now is not the person that promised to love me forever. I just wish I could fast forward my emotions to where I don't feel that way about her again. I have to tell myself that she is the one that changed, she is the one that is talking to someone else now as "just friends', that everything she says I have to take with a grain of salt.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Agreed. 

When my STBXW announced during MC that what we had a was dead shark, my response was "Thank you. That's all I wanted was some clarity."

My MC's notes of the exchange were "H seemed frustrated that W took so long to reach her conclusion."

Ya think?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

If anything I'm glad that she didn't string me along another four or five years. Looking back I realize now over the last year the romantic efforts were one sided. If she showed love it was more out of guilt than anything else. The crazy thing is the last three months we were together our sex life was never better (in terms of frequency, etc). Five days after she gave me the speech we even had sex one more time. How crazy is that. Even last week when I stopped over to get the kids she pulled me to the basement to "talk", then she ended up hugging me, passionately kissing me. I told her I don't kiss my "friends", and that she was sending me mixed signals. The next day when I dropped the kids off she hugged me again, commented that I smell nice. She even texted me to tell me that some of my cologne rubbed off on her sweatshirt, I said sorry, she said don't be. She is all sorts of messed up right now I think.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

They are mixed up. They want out for whatever reasons, but like us they have a part of them that see's what they will be missing. The mixed signals make it really hard to process.

Just curious to the ages of the WW's. Mine 46, which so many female friends have told me is the age they started to question their marriages, but had the common sense to stick it out and work on it till the storm past. Mine had other plans and very bad advice from a terrible role model of an older sister.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

My WW is 54. I'm 50. To danged old to start over. Not in much of a mood to now, anyway.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Mine will be 33 next month, part of this I believe is due in part to the over 60lbs she has lost over the last year or so


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Mine will be 33 next month, part of this I believe is due in part to the over 60lbs she has lost over the last year or so


Interesting. Mine lost about 35 lbs about a year ago. I haven't thought it was closely related, but my mother keeps bringing that up as "she lost too much weight too fast, and I think she messed-up her chemical balance.".

I don't think it has anything to do with her chemistry, but that her weight loss was another sign of her wanting to change her life in significant ways. I just didn't recognize that there was another 180 lbs that she planned to lose this year.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

papa5280 said:


> Interesting. Mine lost about 35 lbs about a year ago. I haven't thought it was closely related, but my mother keeps bringing that up as "she lost too much weight too fast, and I think she messed-up her chemical balance.".
> 
> I don't think it has anything to do with her chemistry, but that her weight loss was another sign of her wanting to change her life in significant ways. I just didn't recognize that there was another 180 lbs that she planned to lose this year.


Very interesting!! All three of us have women who lost weight about a year ago and without a doubt signs of a life change. Mine also got braces on her teeth that were not that bad and also looked into plastic surgery. I believe all part of a mid-life crisis and looking to up their sex ranking. 

Mine went too far and was better looking before. She is battling something internal is what many have said to me.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

papa5280 said:


> My WW is 54. I'm 50. To danged old to start over. Not in much of a mood to now, anyway.


Come on I am older than you. Hoping to get a better seccond chance. It will take some time to heal of course, but hoping for someone who won't walk away.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

This is me said:


> Come on I am older than you. Hoping to get a better second chance. It will take some time to heal of course, but hoping for someone who won't walk away.


My perspective will change over time, I'm sure. The thought of dating again after 20 years out of the pool is in-between a root canal and a colonoscopy on my list of things to look forward to. I wasn't that good at it and didn't like it much in my 20s/30s. Now that I'm paunchy, gray and balding, don't drink much and fall asleep by 10, I really feel like a catch!


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