# Previously reconciled, now facing divorce again



## TwinMom

We reconciled back in 2012, I thought we were doing pretty good for awhile. Past hurts keep surfacing more and more frequently and I just can't stand to be around him anymore because he's so nasty to me. We tried marriage counseling, he stormed out of two separate sessions and never came back. I kept going. He'll tell you that he can't get over my infidelity, but we were separated for 11 months before I finally gave up and thought that he would never come back for me. However, I declined sex one night so he opened up a Tinder account right next to me and told me if he didn’t get it at home, he’d get it somewhere else. That’s when we began marriage counseling. We have beautiful twin girls this time around. We came to the conclusion that we are making each other miserable and best course of action is divorce. I’m scared though because one of the things that I can’t handle anymore is how quickly he escalates from ok to nuclear level angry. Also that he throws out threats like divorce frequently and may not be taking this as seriously as I am. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about what’s about to happen since we’ve been down this road before and I know he can play really nasty.


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## NJ2

First - I am sorry you are going through this.
My H and I have been through the many cycles of reconciliation
- I thought he was cheating on me (lots of red flags definately at least an EA but never proved a PA) He admitted to sex while we were dating and kissing several females while we were married
-I disclosed that I'd had an A 25 years earlier hoping he would admit the truth, and also probably to hurt him if I'm honest..
-we went to MC, IC, reconciliation weekends, couples classes at church
-we experienced a renewed sexual/emotional passion and commitment to each other but it came at a price- I developed a type of OCD around trying to prove /disprove his fidelity, we became very intertwined- and it was not always healthy.
-we became physical with each other several times (i was the instigator- if that even matters) 
-I found an excellent MC who helped put things into perspective when I felt we could not possible rebound from the hurts we had inflicted on each other. 
-he said that when people are "desperate" they resort to name calling, physicality, all these "unforgivable" acts. he said we could move on =promise you will never ever lay a hand on each other in anger (we had never done this before in the 35 years we were together) and never speak to each other in anger- walk away, vent your anger but not at each other-
-recognize that the things we have said and done against each other were acts of desperation because we are so afraid to lose each other and that they were not felt truthfully -they were used to hurt each other out of that desperation. 
-we are still together -its been 6 years since I first thought he was having an A
-It is not always easy but we are closer than we have ever been

You sound like we felt- hope this can put a different perspective to it
-


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## BluesPower

TwinMom said:


> We reconciled back in 2012, I thought we were doing pretty good for awhile. Past hurts keep surfacing more and more frequently and I just can't stand to be around him anymore because he's so nasty to me. We tried marriage counseling, he stormed out of two separate sessions and never came back. I kept going. He'll tell you that he can't get over my infidelity, but we were separated for 11 months before I finally gave up and thought that he would never come back for me. However, I declined sex one night so he opened up a Tinder account right next to me and told me if he didn’t get it at home, he’d get it somewhere else. That’s when we began marriage counseling. We have beautiful twin girls this time around. We came to the conclusion that we are making each other miserable and best course of action is divorce. I’m scared though because one of the things that I can’t handle anymore is how quickly he escalates from ok to nuclear level angry. Also that he throws out threats like divorce frequently and may not be taking this as seriously as I am. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about what’s about to happen since we’ve been down this road before and I know he can play really nasty.


Honestly, it really sounds like both of you have not done the work to heal from YOUR INFIDELITY. 

I emphasize your infidelity well because you kind of used every excuse for wanting out except that your H is pissed of you had an affair. 

When you don't do the work to heal, and you rug sweep this is what happens. 

And let me give you one other tip, if the first MC had not been a woman, I would have put "Her" in the hospital. 

LOTS and LOTS of MC's are horrible and super horrible with Infidelity. Sounds like your may have been. 

I am curious about what the MC said before he left, can you remember? 

Now he may be a creep I don't know, but you don't really sound very remorseful in your opening post. 

But here is the deal, if you don't love him, if you don't want to work through this, if he won't do anything to work through this then, yeah get a divorce if you want to. 

I just want you to understand what you opening post sounds like... 

So talk to us and tell us what has been going on...


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## Blondilocks

Did this 'infidelity' occur after you had been separated for 11 months and you had given up on him wanting to reconcile?


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## wilson

How old are your kids? My first impression is that they would have a better childhood growing up in separate households rather than under one roof with this relationship. There are several complicated issues going on, each of which is very difficult to overcome. If he blows up like he does, then it's not really conducive to working through issues of this magnitude. 

Regardless of what you end up doing, it may help to talk with a divorce attorney to get an idea of what it might look like. Either path ahead of you is going to be difficult. You'll need to decide which difficult path is most reasonable to take.


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## OnTheFly

Sometimes the fullness of the consequences of ones actions takes years to manifest.

Out of curiosity, why did he leave the MC sessions? Was it a female therapist?


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## 3Xnocharm

I divorced a man with anger issues. It didnt go as badly as I had anticipated. Just be prepared to call the authorities if he goes out of control. You sound very unhappy, both of you actually. Divorce is scary when you are planning and anticipating, but I promise its not the end of the world.


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## Tilted 1

So before you reconcile in 2012, did you have an affair that led up to the reconciliation? And then you had another partner after 11 months of separation, while still married. Why didn't you get the divorce first? You must have knew it was going to lead up to sex with another man while you were still married. 

All you said so far, is seeking some validation for your wayward actions. That you may compartmentalize your actions. But if I got this wrong please explain so that we know how your affair played it part in the destruction of the marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm

She isnt here about the infidelity, she is looking for some guidance on how to end this.


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## TwinMom

BluesPower said:


> TwinMom said:
> 
> 
> 
> We reconciled back in 2012, I thought we were doing pretty good for awhile. Past hurts keep surfacing more and more frequently and I just can't stand to be around him anymore because he's so nasty to me. We tried marriage counseling, he stormed out of two separate sessions and never came back. I kept going. He'll tell you that he can't get over my infidelity, but we were separated for 11 months before I finally gave up and thought that he would never come back for me. However, I declined sex one night so he opened up a Tinder account right next to me and told me if he didn’t get it at home, he’d get it somewhere else. That’s when we began marriage counseling. We have beautiful twin girls this time around. We came to the conclusion that we are making each other miserable and best course of action is divorce. I’m scared though because one of the things that I can’t handle anymore is how quickly he escalates from ok to nuclear level angry. Also that he throws out threats like divorce frequently and may not be taking this as seriously as I am. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about what’s about to happen since we’ve been down this road before and I know he can play really nasty.
> 
> 
> 
> Honestly, it really sounds like both of you have not done the work to heal from YOUR INFIDELITY.
> 
> * "He'll tell you he can't get over my infidelity, but we were separated for 11 months before I finally gave up and thought he'd never come back for me."
> 
> * I can see why this is unclear after rereading it. He had threatened divorce 16 times before I got my own apartment. He'll tell you he kicked me out. (I am trying to present both sides of the story when I say "he'll tell you that..." Because I don't pretend that mine is the only side to the story. Please try to hear mine also.) Regardless, we were separated, not living together, but talking somewhat regularly because he worked overseas for an extended period of time. Just like it took me 16 times of divorce threats to get up and remove myself from the situation, I actually held hope that he'd ask me back, say he wanted to work on things, anything at all. And after 11 months of being separated and feeling like I didn't see an end in sight, I hooked up with someone twice. No EA, haven't talked to him since. But I was being GPS tracked from halfway across the world and he figured it out. He decided he did want me then, after I had given up. But I think 11 months is a long time to wait, and most people do not consider it infidelity if you're separated. We were in the limbo state of separation because he was overseas for 9-10 of those months I was moved out. He couldn't file from overseas and I couldn't file and serve him overseas.
> 
> I emphasize your infidelity well because you kind of used every excuse for wanting out except that your H is pissed of you had an affair.
> 
> When you don't do the work to heal, and you rug sweep this is what happens.
> 
> * We did marriage counseling after everything came to light, then decided we wanted to reconcile.
> 
> And let me give you one other tip, if the first MC had not been a woman, I would have put "Her" in the hospital.
> 
> * Excuse me?
> 
> LOTS and LOTS of MC's are horrible and super horrible with Infidelity. Sounds like your may have been.
> 
> * I disagree, we reconciled after the first marriage counseling. She made us face our hard truths of setting the rules of the reconciliation, deciding on deal breakers and things we were willing to concede on.
> 
> I am curious about what the MC said before he left, can you remember?
> 
> * This time that we did marriage counseling, both times he stormed out when I finally spoke up about things that were bothering me, about my hurts. We'd covered his hurts non stop for the past eight years, so it was a shock to him that I had felt hurts too.
> 
> Now he may be a creep I don't know, but you don't really sound very remorseful in your opening post.
> 
> * It is sometimes difficult to read tone in writing, I admit. But I assure you, I spent eight years apologizing and letting him use me as an emotional punching bag because I thought I deserved it.
> 
> But here is the deal, if you don't love him, if you don't want to work through this, if he won't do anything to work through this then, yeah get a divorce if you want to.
> 
> * He's gone back to threatening divorce frequently, but my original post is not questioning whether or not to divorce. It's also not even questioning whether I love him. I still do love him. And I believe he loves me. I'm just sharing my story like we're supposed to do in the intro section.
> 
> I just want you to understand what you opening post sounds like...
> 
> * I appreciate the feedback, hope this clarifies the confusing parts.
> 
> So talk to us and tell us what has been going on...
Click to expand...


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## TwinMom

Blondilocks said:


> Did this 'infidelity' occur after you had been separated for 11 months and you had given up on him wanting to reconcile?


Yes, I waited 11 months after moving out before I hooked up with someone because I still hoped we'd reconcile. We only reconciled AFTER he discovered the hookup, confronted me about it, and then went to marriage counseling.


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## TwinMom

wilson said:


> How old are your kids? My first impression is that they would have a better childhood growing up in separate households rather than under one roof with this relationship. There are several complicated issues going on, each of which is very difficult to overcome. If he blows up like he does, then it's not really conducive to working through issues of this magnitude.
> 
> Regardless of what you end up doing, it may help to talk with a divorce attorney to get an idea of what it might look like. Either path ahead of you is going to be difficult. You'll need to decide which difficult path is most reasonable to take.


Our twins are 13 months old. That is a conclusion I came to as well: this is not what I want to teach my girls about what a loving and respectful relationship looks like. Nor do I want them to think it's ok for a man to treat them this way.

The blow ups made MC come to a screeching halt, so you also hit the nail on the head on this.

I've had one phone consultation w a divorce attorney and have another scheduled next week to comparison shop. It will be difficult but I think I can have the attorney draft a settlement agreement that should satisfy both of us. After the first reconciliation, we kept assets pretty separate.


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## TwinMom

OnTheFly said:


> Sometimes the fullness of the consequences of ones actions takes years to manifest.
> 
> Out of curiosity, why did he leave the MC sessions? Was it a female therapist?


This was a female therapist, yes. Why do you ask?

He exploded when I expressed how I was feeling (if you want specifics, I think this was over how tired I felt from working two jobs, then being primary if not sole caregiver from 5pm to 8am, and being the only one to get up overnight when they'd cry. He's a SAHD.) Ironically, one of the hurts I had on my list was that anytime I tried to bring up something that was on my mind, he would get angry over his own past hurts and never get to address mine.


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## TwinMom

3Xnocharm said:


> I divorced a man with anger issues. It didnt go as badly as I had anticipated. Just be prepared to call the authorities if he goes out of control. You sound very unhappy, both of you actually. Divorce is scary when you are planning and anticipating, but I promise its not the end of the world.


Thank you, this is the reassurance I needed to hear. I am probably driving myself crazy with all of the what ifs. But I'm certain it's the best path for both of us.


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## TwinMom

Tilted 1 said:


> So before you reconcile in 2012, did you have an affair that led up to the reconciliation? And then you had another partner after 11 months of separation, while still married. Why didn't you get the divorce first? You must have knew it was going to lead up to sex with another man while you were still married.
> 
> All you said so far, is seeking some validation for your wayward actions. That you may compartmentalize your actions. But if I got this wrong please explain so that we know how your affair played it part in the destruction of the marriage.


Reconciliation in 2012 happened after an 11 month separation, and after the hook up. I reread my post, not sure how it sounded like multiple affairs though. I answered why we didn't divorce in another response, but the short story is because he was overseas working for 9-10 months straight. You can't serve someone overseas. 

I don't need validation for my actions, I'm not sure where you read between the lines to glean that from my post. I don't need advice on whether or not to divorce, I've been reflecting on that for four months now. I thought this was a supportive community for those going through relationship troubles, which is why I'm here. This is going to be a rough process, so I'm building a support network and thought it best to be up front and try to show both sides of the story because I know I'm not innocent. I also know I'm not the only responsible party to the downfall of our relationship.


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## TwinMom

3Xnocharm said:


> She isnt here about the infidelity, she is looking for some guidance on how to end this.


Thank you, yes.


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## TwinMom

NJ2 said:


> First - I am sorry you are going through this.
> My H and I have been through the many cycles of reconciliation
> - I thought he was cheating on me (lots of red flags definately at least an EA but never proved a PA) He admitted to sex while we were dating and kissing several females while we were married
> -I disclosed that I'd had an A 25 years earlier hoping he would admit the truth, and also probably to hurt him if I'm honest..
> -we went to MC, IC, reconciliation weekends, couples classes at church
> -we experienced a renewed sexual/emotional passion and commitment to each other but it came at a price- I developed a type of OCD around trying to prove /disprove his fidelity, we became very intertwined- and it was not always healthy.
> -we became physical with each other several times (i was the instigator- if that even matters)
> -I found an excellent MC who helped put things into perspective when I felt we could not possible rebound from the hurts we had inflicted on each other.
> -he said that when people are "desperate" they resort to name calling, physicality, all these "unforgivable" acts. he said we could move on =promise you will never ever lay a hand on each other in anger (we had never done this before in the 35 years we were together) and never speak to each other in anger- walk away, vent your anger but not at each other-
> -recognize that the things we have said and done against each other were acts of desperation because we are so afraid to lose each other and that they were not felt truthfully -they were used to hurt each other out of that desperation.
> -we are still together -its been 6 years since I first thought he was having an A
> -It is not always easy but we are closer than we have ever been
> 
> You sound like we felt- hope this can put a different perspective to it
> -


I appreciate your sharing your story! It sounds like you both were willing and able to accept a part of the responsibility. Things would be so different if that was our starting point too. Your MC had some good insight into why we hurt those we love, and I can see that applies to us as well. Your story is inspiring, but I'm at the moving on point now because after two MCs, a reconciliation, and lots of toxicity in a home with small children, I just can't anymore.


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## BluesPower

TwinMom said:


> I appreciate your sharing your story! It sounds like you both were willing and able to accept a part of the responsibility. Things would be so different if that was our starting point too. Your MC had some good insight into why we hurt those we love, and I can see that applies to us as well. Your story is inspiring, but I'm at the moving on point now because after two MCs, a reconciliation, and lots of toxicity in a home with small children, I just can't anymore.


Ok then, what is preventing you from filing for divorce? Why not just talk to him and say I think we should end this? 

Or you could just go to a lawyer and file...


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## TwinMom

Ok then, what is preventing you from filing for divorce? Why not just talk to him and say I think we should end this? 

Or you could just go to a lawyer and file...[/QUOTE]

I did. We had the convo. Three times this week actually. As I said, I’m not looking for advice on divorcing or not. I have a consult scheduled next week and have already consulted with another lawyer.


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## MattMatt

*Moderator note:*

Please treat the OP with respect. A post has been deleted because it failed to abide by the TAM rules regarding posting.

If you are unaware of the rules, please read them, here:- https://talkaboutmarriage.com/trash-can/2117-forum-rules-please-read-first.html


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## Openminded

Yes, it will be difficult but you can get through it and rebuild your life in a healthy way. When I was in the divorce process, I made lots of lists — things that I needed to do, things I wanted to do, and things I hoped to do. Those helped me focus. 

(And, no, that doesn’t sound like infidelity on your part to me. IMO, he only wanted you back after 11 months of separation because he suddenly realized that someone else was interested.)


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