# Sex whenever HE wants it



## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Hi,

I'm back - again.
We seem to be back right where we started.
I feel utterly rejected and under-appreciated.
Yes, I ahve told my DH how I feel, and yes, he takes me to bed and does wonderful things to me by way of apology, and yes, I think maybe this is a new start for us. Then we go back to the same thing again.
Its been more than a week since we last had sex, and even then it was a bit of a disaster - actually this is the first time this has happened - I couldn't climax. Now, I am on anti depressants for PND adn I am hoping that this is the problem, but I am not so sure.
I think things are getting worse. Apart from what I just wrote, I was rejected again this morning. Without getting too graphic, we had a couple of minutes before the baby had to get up, so I initated a bit of er....touching so to speak. I got the desired effect, and even though I knew we couldn't do anything as we didn't have time, I thought we could have a little snog or something, maybe as a little aperatif for later? Anyway, DH just turned over. Said he was going to lie in for a while. So, feeling rejected (again), I got up, cos, hell, SOMEONE had to get the baby up. So I was quiet when he came down. Then he said sorry for what he did, adn that he was feeling grumpy, adn that we could 'carry this on' tonight. I thought, great! Er, no.
Later on this evening, I wasn't holding out much hope as DH had gone to the gym so I knew he is usually too tired for sex (I know!). He grabs me (and its funny, I now flinch, as I am not used to being affectionately grabbed anymore), and says something like 'maybe we will have sex?'. You see, he is always in control of our sex life. I want it more than him, so he gets to call the shots all the time. I say something like 'maybe....'. I don't like to get my hopes up anymore, as they are usually dashed, and I knew he was going to the gym, so I thought it wouldn't happen anyway. Then he says 'well, you have to make use of this window of opportunity'. I mean, wtf?? So I let him know that I wasn't taking any of that! I decided then and there that no matter how hard he tried, I would NOT succumb this time, and that for a change, I would be incontrol. No, I HATE playing games and using sex as a weapon, but I have tried everything else! Anyway, he goes to the gym, then we have our hands tied with the baby for a while. He asks what is wrong. I tell him I feel like **** because my period is coming (true). So then I tell him 'looks like you missed the window of opportunity'. I know, childish, but I actually think he got the message.
Anyway, then I go into where our pc is and I find in the history (yes, it automatically comes up when you search for something) that he was looking at some mild porn! So I don't know where to go from here. Every f**k I get feels like a sympathy f**k, and even then it takes sometimes days to get him to do anything. And given the last time we had sex, I feel like I will never even enjoy it any time we have it, as I feel I have had to work sooo hard for it and I've had to cajole him into it, and that he is totally in control of it...and I'm so sick of this. Whatever happened to spontaneity? For once, I would like to be in control, to be the one to decide when we have sex, to be lusted after. Its so hard being on antidepressants for PND without having to deal with this as well. I know he loves me, but how can I take his reasurrances of 'of course I fancy you' seriously when I have to do all of the above just to feel sexy and wanted again?


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

One of the side effects of certain anti-depressants and/or "mood elevating drugs" is that you may find it difficult to climax. You should speak to your doctor and perhaps, there is a different med that won't give you that side effect.


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Oh believe me, we have talked till the cows come home. He always says that I am right, that he has neglected me, takes me to bed, we have a great time, then its back to square one again. Honestly. I am so sick of talking. It never seems to bring about a lasting conclusion. He never can give me a reason why he does (or not) what he does, he says he honestly doesn't know.
I wouldn't have married him if I was unhappy with our sex life then. It has just gone downhill since then. I even have to remind him to kiss me when he gets in.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I really think you need to calmly communicate with him and find out what has been happening.

draconis


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## opio (Feb 20, 2008)

The funny thing is... That I can somewhat relate to you on the sex part... and it does suck... I came to the conclusion today that if our relationship (while we were dating) was similar to this then we wouldn't be married. People underestimate the importance of sex, making love and hey sometimes a really good f**k in a marriage. 

Communication is great in the beginning, but communicating calmly, really doesn't matter. Within a couple of months after being married you should know your significant other's habits and guess what if you are treading the thin line of being a sex lover (like I am with my wife) once a week doesn't cut it especially when you go from three to five times a week to once a week or once every two weeks... This puts a huge cramp in your marriage... because a week feels like months (a bad dry season). 

I understand where you are coming from 100%... but what do you do when you find out 'AFTER' being married that your significant other really has a low libido and seems to be only in tuned with their wants?


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

draconis - I understand I need to do that, but I do. All the time. We have the same talk about once every 2 months. I tell him the same thing (whats wrong), he listens, I try to get him to tell me why he is being like this, he says sorry, that he loves me, has always fancied me and always will, etc etc. Then things are fine for about a week, then it goes downhill again.
So I am sick of talking. And I do listen, he just doesn't talk that much.

opio - yes, thats exactly what I am thinking. I wouldn't be married to him if I knew this was the outcome. I had a baby - so what? My needs are the same. I got ready for a funeral yesterday, and DH comes home and says 'why don't you go get ready now?'. I WAS ready. He just doesn't see me anymore. Then he asks me if I wanted to go put make up on. I HAD make up on. He said sorry after I told him I feel unattractive and invisible, and his explanation was that 'I am a man, I don't notice these things'. Then why say anything? :scratchhead:


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

opio said:


> but communicating calmly, really doesn't matter.


Then 

A) You don't know how to do it right.

B) the lack of communication will affect all parts of your marriage incuding sex.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

madmam said:


> draconis - I understand I need to do that, but I do. All the time. We have the same talk about once every 2 months. I tell him the same thing (whats wrong), he listens, I try to get him to tell me why he is being like this, he says sorry, that he loves me, has always fancied me and always will, etc etc. Then things are fine for about a week, then it goes downhill again.
> So I am sick of talking. And I do listen, he just doesn't talk that much.
> 
> opio - yes, thats exactly what I am thinking. I wouldn't be married to him if I knew this was the outcome. I had a baby - so what? My needs are the same. I got ready for a funeral yesterday, and DH comes home and says 'why don't you go get ready now?'. I WAS ready. He just doesn't see me anymore. Then he asks me if I wanted to go put make up on. I HAD make up on. He said sorry after I told him I feel unattractive and invisible, and his explanation was that 'I am a man, I don't notice these things'. Then why say anything? :scratchhead:



Then I think you need to tell him I need X,Y and Z on a regular basis not for a day or a week. Tell him you still have a sex drive, tell him he needs to notice you, and most important he really needs to listen to you otherwise you don't see a future for the marriage.

draconis


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## opio (Feb 20, 2008)

draconis said:


> Then
> 
> A) You don't know how to do it right.
> 
> ...


To be honest with you... Your advice on this one is kind of generic... Have you ever been in such a situation yourself? It's pretty obvious that communication affects all parts of a relationship but hey, saying it and spelling it out is very simple, doing and living it is one thing and having a spouse that is receptive (not just in tuned with their wants & needs) is a whole new ball game. 

communicating calmly? Enlighten me on what you mean... For one, talking calmly will only get you so far... and from here it sounds like that option has already been explored. 

Hey don't get defensive because I disagreed with you, instead communicate calmly with me (or us) on what you mean. 

Madmam: That must be very difficult when you feel invisible to your significant other. Is he a confident man? Maybe he is feeling stressed with kids and marriage? It is possible for father's to get post-pardon depression. Having a family is a huge change and takes some adjusting. 

Do you truly feel loved in the marriage? How was the sex and everything before you gave birth? 

I would not advise that you bark orders and tell him that you need x, y and z or else... At least not until you find out what's really going on with him. Have you tried talking to a neutral party? One thing about communication that i have learned is that it can never be effective when tempers, feelings or emotions are hurting... maybe write him a letter expressing how you are feeling and place it in his car on the dash... Something that he can take with him as a reminder or use as a reference. If anything it can serve as a great conversation starter.

hope this helps and i wish you the best...


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

I have to say I agree with you opio - everything you have said is true. draconis - I have communicated with him on all different levels etc, and I do know how to do it right.

Opio - the sex was the best I have ever had before I gave birth, mostly because I felt so comfortable with him that I could 'let go' and really enjoy myslef - something that women have a hard time doing.We have agreed to go to a councellor (his idea). I just told him I wasn't happy, and he seemed devastated by this. He isn't as experienced as me sexually, but it was never an issue before. He also suffers froma lack of confidence, he isn't happy in his job and is looking for something else right now. He hasn't had great luck with jobs since we married, but there is only so much I can do for him. I ahve found jobs for him, they don't work out; I have taken a back seat, and those jobs don't work out either. Btu his behaviour seems to me to be almost selfish, not a lack of confidence. Lazy, almost. Like he couldn't be bothered. I feel like I have spoiled him, know what I mean?


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

Sounds like my husband. You have talked until you are blue. My advice find a hobby. I don't mean this in a bad way. Stop making him the center of your universe. When you have your own life with friends and activities, you seem more interesting and your husband will notice that. If you constantly fighting about sex it gets old and he probably will be giving you a sympathy lay. However, you wake up every morning, with your head up. Make sure you look sexy and happy lol and walk out and go somewhere any where. Make him wonder where is she going looking like that hot piece of fill in the balnk. Men are visual creatures. Don't wait to be sexy in bed, that's too cliche, confidence it sexy. Get your hair done, buy a new dress and remind yourself that hey I'm attractive, he will notice too!


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Thanks for your replies.
FredFox: I am trying this as we speak. I have nrolled in a yoga class and am getting out more. I am also going back to work in a couple of weeks which will probably help too. Fingers crossed.
AKnalp: I cannot offer any advice for you as I am too seeking it. But all I can say is that I know how you feel. Its horrible.

Update: We actually had sex last night, after agreeing that we needed to kick start it again, and that we actually had time to do it again (ie. baba in bed, no gym/yoga class/girly night etc).
I really found myself dreading it because since the last time (nearly a month ago, I might add) I ahve lost all confidence. Anyway, because it had been so long DH climaxed very quickly and then offered to ahem...attend to me? I just said no, I knew I wouldn't climax and I really just didn't feel like it. I assured him I wasn't playing games (which I am not), and he seemed to be okay with it. I have NEVER not been in the mood before, and the worst thing is is that I actually DONT CARE. I feel too much damage has been done already and now I have lost it altogether. I feel that I am making it worse, but this is what the lack of sex has turned me into. I just don't want it anymore.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

opio said:


> you ever been in such a situation yourself? It's pretty obvious that communication affects all parts of a relationship but hey, saying it and spelling it out is very simple, doing and living it is one thing and having a spouse that is receptive (not just in tuned with their wants & needs) is a whole new ball game.
> 
> communicating calmly? Enlighten me on what you mean... For one, talking calmly will only get you so far... and from here it sounds like that option has already been explored.
> 
> Hey don't get defensive because I disagreed with you, instead communicate calmly with me (or us) on what you mean.


Been out medically for some time so Now I will respond to this. What you should have said in the first paragraph is, do you (meaning me) practice what I preach. To answer that, yes I do. My relationship with my wife is free from most any arguing because we communicate so well. But communicating with people is unique in that the best people in the world approach each person they know differently. Knowing how to approach someone is helpful, but saying you tried communicating and it didn't work is like saying you throw a line into a pond and didn't catch a fish. Therefore you can never catch a fish in the pond. Infact one might believe there are no fish in the pond.



> Hey don't get defensive because I disagreed with you, instead communicate calmly with me (or us) on what you mean.


Being rude, disrespectful and smug doesn't make you look or sound any more intelligent. Personally I respect these forums to much.

draconis


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

I don't think he was being any of those things myself draconis, I think maybe he is feelign a bit frustrated that you sound like you don't understand. Maybe your wife is easier to communicate with? In that case, you are lucky. I just think you sometimes come across as unwilling to accept that people are different. You are lucky in that your wife listens to you. Maybe it has nothing to do with how the person is trying to communicate, it is the recipient that has the problem by not listening. Tellign people that they don't know how to communicate right isn't fair - I am a person who can communicate but if the other person isn't willing to listen there really isn't much that can be done. I think its unfair to blame the other person all the time. Just my opinion.


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## jeanette (Mar 8, 2008)

madmam said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm back - again.
> We seem to be back right where we started.
> ...


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## jeanette (Mar 8, 2008)

i dont have an answer to your problem, but i knowexactly how you feel. I to am in the same boat. My husband could care less if we ever had sex. Im lucky if we do it once every 6 weeks, and then i feel like he only does it out of duty. I feel so hurt and rejected, and im seriously thinking of leaving him, because i cant continue to live like this. I have talked till im blue in the face, and he says hes sorry that he knows hes in the wrong, but then we end up right back at square one again. I know he does it in the shower, and several times i have caught him looking at porno. Maybe could help each other out. Im so glad to know that im not the only women who is going throught this crap.


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Hi jeanette,

I'm sorry you are having to go through this too, it is heartbreaking. Doesn't it make you feel like youre not loved and appreciated? Its worse when they say they love you - surely if they did, they would desire you too? I am constantyl doubting him when he says he loves me. I mean, how can he, when he is always rejecting me? I don't bother initiating sex anymore, as I am sick of getting turned down. When we do have sex, I cannot enjoy it anymore as I have become so used to keepign my libido in check that I cannot get it going again.
Theres nothing worse than a sympathy sh*g, is there?


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