# Can't connect in the bedroom



## Trin'tomakeitwork (Feb 4, 2013)

A little back history. I am 36 and my wife 33, we've been married for 5 years and have a 2 yr old. 

I meet my wife when she was 18 and I was 21. We dated and fell in love. We had amazing sex, we adored each other to no ends. She went to college and I to the military. We grew apart and I eventually cheated on her. We broke up when I told her and didn't talk for a few years. 

I really knew she was the one for me so I put several years of work into winning her back. I lived on the other side of the country but made tons of trips back home and wined and dinned her. We always had great chemistry and our friendship grew rapidly. She repeatedly told me she would never get back together with me because I hurt her so bad.

I told her how sorry I was and that I didn't deserve her love but yurned for her and would never give up until I won her over. Years went by and slowly she gave me more and more chances. Fast forward a few years and we are together and have moved to a new city. 

I couldn't be more elated. We love each other and have a health relationship but.....our sex life is miserable. Where sex used to enjoy even beg me for sex she is now all out disgusted with the idea of having sex. It takes me literally days to wear her down and then it's the most awkward encounter ever. I have a very high sex drive and her libido is none existent. 

She's a med student and under lots of stress but this started almost immediately after we got back together. Oral sex ended a long time ago. She has never let me go down on her since we got back together, which sucks cause I love it! Straight missionary position, lets get this over with sex. No foreplay or anything. 

During the time we weren't together she dated lots of guy. We are from a small community and unfortunately some of them were my old scumbags friends which means I heard the stories. She even told me herself that she spent several years parting after college and had quite a few partners. She was a wild child indeed.

Back to us. From the time we had sex after getting back together, I could tell there was something wrong. She couldn't get in the moment and since that day has never enjoyed having sex with me. I thought this would go away with time but has only become so commonplace that she thinks nothing is wrong. "Let just get this over with" she says.

Right before Christmas during sex I went to kiss her and she tunred her head away and rolled her eyes at me and said "please hurry up". I was so hurt by this I walked away for that encounter and we haven't had sex since. 

She only feels obligated to have sex not because she has any desire to with me. Lately she tells me it's time for our monthly sex appointment(she only knows this because I have to make appointments with her) but I refuse and she seems content with that.

I tried for years to talk to her about it. We have been to several sex therapists about it and wasted thousands doing so. Every exercise we have been given she won't follow through on. 

I know marriage changes sex but this is become hurtful at this point. I have all these crazy theories, "the sex was better when she was single but she doesn't want to hurt my feelings" is my go to all the time. Sounds crazy, I know. 

Please help me with any advice you might have. I love my wife but I need to fix this.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I doubt she ever got over your affair, and the writing on the wall was there for that considering how long it took (and rightly so) for you to win her back. I hope you can make this work, but this may just be a case of you made your bed, now lie in it.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> I doubt she ever got over your affair, and the writing on the wall was there for that considering how long it took (and rightly so) for you to win her back. I hope you can make this work, but this may just be a case of you made your bed, now lie in it.


Can't argue with this. It's not that she doesn't want sex; she doesn't want sex with you. Why she agreed to marry you if she hasn't forgiven you, I have no idea. But that seems like the most likely reason.

C


----------



## Trin'tomakeitwork (Feb 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> Can't argue with this. It's not that she doesn't want sex; she doesn't want sex with you. Why she agreed to marry you if she hasn't forgiven you, I have no idea. But that seems like the most likely reason.
> 
> C



I tried so hard to improve our sex life and methodology. I've taken classes on how to be a better lover, you name it. I can't help to think that I'm not a good lover. I've never had any complaints only compliments. 

Lately I want her to sexually satisfied so bad I've been think about letting her have a one night stand. I know, probably a really bad idea.

I hate to think that my mistake 16 years ago will prevent me from ever having a normal sex life again. I almost wish my wife would leave me if she doesn't want to have sex with me.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

This has nothing to do with marriage changing your sex life...many women here have been married 20 years plus and they are HD and genuinely LUST after their long term husband. 

Quite frankly it just sounds like your trying to make an excuse that gets YOU off the hook. When a wife won't have sex with her husband there is a reason...there is always a reason. 

She has disconnected from you and lost respect for you. Mostly likely your cheating 'broke' (her heart) your bond/connection or at least changed it forever. How can it be like before? YOU changed things. 

I really believe that the repercussions from an affair last a life time. 

What does she say when you ask her about any of this? Does she feel desire for you. Does she initiate any other affection (hugs, kisses, hand holding....)? Do you?

Also in the CWI (coping with infidelity) section there are folks who have made it past an affair and rebuilt a good marriage... so there is hope. Both partners have to be willing to co-operate though and be 100% committed to their spouse.

Goodluck.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trin'tomakeitwork said:


> I tried so hard to improve our sex life and methodology. I've taken classes on how to be a better lover, you name it. I can't help to think that I'm not a good lover. I've never had any complaints only compliments.
> 
> Lately I want her to sexually satisfied so bad I've been think about letting her have a one night stand. I know, probably a really bad idea.
> 
> I hate to think that my mistake 16 years ago will prevent me from ever having a normal sex life again. I almost wish my wife would leave me if she doesn't want to have sex with me.


You're focusing on the wrong thing. You can spend the rest if your life trying to be the best lover you can be, and the only thing you'll get from her is "are you done yet?" Until you fix the reasons why she doesn't actually want sex with you. The broken sex is a symptom of the problem. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

waiwera said:


> ..She has disconnected from you and lost respect for you. Mostly likely your cheating 'broke' (her heart) your bond/connection or at least changed it forever. How can it be like before? YOU changed things.
> 
> I really believe that the repercussions from an affair last a life time.
> ..


True, very true.

It is interesting to find out why she married you despite your cheating. She seemed to still genuinely hate you for what you did 16 years ago. Which means she has not really forgiven you from her heart. She said it herself, She repeatedly told you she would never get back together with you because you hurt her so bad.

OR,

Something happened from the time between your breakup and reconciliation. You said you drifted apart for awhile. Perhaps there was another person she has relationship with, and they broke up, and then she decided to go back to you (who seemed to be a 'safe option' (hell, he will accept me). But she just cannot get back to be loving you again. Remember, you said it yourself: 



> During the time we weren't together she dated lots of guy. We are from a small community and unfortunately some of them were my old scumbags friends which means I heard the stories. She even told me herself that she spent several years parting after college and had quite a few partners. She was a wild child indeed.


As Mrs. Waiwera said,



> Also in the CWI (coping with infidelity) section there are folks who have made it past an affair and rebuilt a good marriage... so there is hope.


However, she also said 



> Both partners have to be willing to co-operate though and be 100% committed to their spouse.


From your description, I don't think your wife would cooperate. You said it yourself:



> We have been to several sex therapists about it and wasted thousands doing so. Every exercise we have been given she won't follow through on.


No amount of counselling and theraphy would work if she won't take it. She does NOT want your sex life to be back to normal pal, that's what I think.

OK, so, from the way I see it, here's what happened. You and her were lovers. Then you cheated. Shame on you. Then she hates you for it. Suits you right. You made a bad call and faced the consequences. You lost her. Yea, that's bad karma for you. Then she became a wild girl, got involved with many men besides you. Yea, that's her body, her rights.

Then for reason unknown to science, you got determined to win her back. Yeah, legally speaking, you won her back. You married her. But then, your life sucks. Your sex life sucks. Is this what you married her for? Is she the same person whom you fell in love with 16 years ago?

It was admirable that you repented and tried to win her back. But you must see, her heart and body is no longer with you. She only respect the legality of your marriage, but not you. She enjoyed sex, yea, but no longer sex with you. 

Look at the mirror. Ask yourself this question. You made a mistake 16 years ago. Yea, you failed big time. You broke up, yea. That should be the consequence of your cheating. Then She had her fill of wild sex life, yea. Then you got back together, even get married. Shouldn't she supposed to be over it by the time you got married? Shouldn't she supposed to be accepting you for who you are, for what you are, and forgiving all you have done, before you two tie the knot?

If she couldn't forgive you, she shouldn't have married you.

Now, just do the right thing, and end this failed marriage right away. As my mentor Mr. Kingsfan said, "you have made your bed and lie on it". But nobody should stop you if you want to get up and find another bed to sleep on.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Trin'tomakeitwork said:


> I tried so hard to improve our sex life and methodology. I've taken classes on how to be a better lover, you name it. I can't help to think that I'm not a good lover. I've never had any complaints only compliments.
> 
> Lately I want her to sexually satisfied so bad I've been think about letting her have a one night stand. I know, probably a really bad idea.
> 
> I hate to think that my mistake 16 years ago will prevent me from ever having a normal sex life again. I almost wish my wife would leave me if she doesn't want to have sex with me.


You are fiaxated on the wrong problem. You are looking at it from a sexual standpoint, when the reason she doesn't want to be with you is because she doesn't love/like you. You can't be a good lover if your partner doesn't even want to be there in the first place.

it'd be like Lance Armstrong working out, doing heavy duty training, putting in twice the effort of any other cycler, only to then try and win the Tour de France with a tricycle. The two of you make a team in bed, and she isn't there at all.

Fix your issues outside the bed (if you can). You are likely years away from ever seeing a healthy sex life again with your wife, and that's only if you work to improve your issues.

Btw, I find it odd that you can spend all that time trying to win her back and go through all that effort to get her to marry you, but you can't find the energy to call it quits on this marriage yourself. Rather you "almost wish my wife would leave me if she doesn't want to have sex with me."

Why don't you leave her? You are the one that caused a lot of significant pain in her life, pain which she very well might still be holding on to and greiving from, why does she have to be the one to end it?


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> OK, so, from the way I see it, here's what happened. You and her were lovers. Then you cheated. Shame on you. Then she hates you for it. Suits you right. You made a bad call and faced the consequences. You lost her. Yea, that's bad karma for you. Then she became a wild girl, got involved with many men besides you. Yea, that's her body, her rights.
> 
> Then for reason unknown to science, you got determined to win her back. Yeah, legally speaking, you won her back. You married her. But then, your life sucks. Your sex life sucks. Is this what you married her for? Is she the same person whom you fell in love with 16 years ago?
> 
> ...


This (though i'd add that I bet the reason for those 'wild years' she had is because of her hurt over the affair). Spot on JLB.

And mentor, lol. Thanks bud


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

waiwera said:


> This has nothing to do with marriage changing your sex life...many women here have been married 20 years plus and they are HD and genuinely LUST after their long term husband.
> 
> Quite frankly it just sounds like your trying to make an excuse that gets YOU off the hook. When a wife won't have sex with her husband there is a reason...there is always a reason.
> 
> ...



I'd agree with this except (a) it was 16 years ago and (b) she could have said no to marrying him but she didn't and made the implicit agreement to have a sexual relationship by doing so.

I agree that something is missing. How is the marriage otherwise? Get along? Dates? Finances OK?

Lack of sex is usually just a symptom of something else gone wrong in a relationship. Usually, someone's needs (not usually sexual) aren't being met. And I'm not talking about paying the bills or doing chores.

The first thing to do is make sure that you are meeting her needs. Ask her what they are and ask for specifics. Then as whether or not you are meeting those needs.

If she says you aren't then sex won't change until you do. Doesn't matter what came first... her not meeting your needs or you not meeting hers. Start meeting hers.

If she says you ARE meeting her needs, then explain that a fulfilling, intimate, sexual relationship is needed in the marriage... not duty sex and not appointment sex. THAT is one of your needs and if she can't meet that need, you will become resentful and frustrated and chances are you will not meet her needs. The marriage will then be short-lived.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'm thinking she truly loved you and when you cheated on her, it broke her heart. She is no longer the same woman you knew. She has changed, and may never forgive or forget your affair. It would of been better never to have told her and then never do it again. In this case, telling her was the wrong thing to do.

In my case, after my wife and I got married, she already had a LD and was a bigger girl. I was very lonely so I chatted with many women but that's all it was. My wife read one email and got very upset, even though this chick was from another continent and it was just an email. She brought that up recently and I apologized and she knows how lonely and sexually starved I am being a HD guy. She told me she understands and since our talk, we've had sex 4x in 9 days, lots of cuddling, back and foot rubs, and she is even considering a sex toy for the first time.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> This (though i'd add that I bet the reason for those 'wild years' she had is because of her hurt over the affair). Spot on JLB.


thank you Sir!

As for those wild years as consequences of an affair, I must say it started to sounds like what happened when love and hate collide!



> And mentor, lol. Thanks bud


You're welcome Mr. Kingsfan. There is a lot of wisdom in this forum, from you and other regular posters here, and I am happy to be here.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

I think even if she THINKS she has forgiven you, when it comes to sex, she hasn't. 

It's likely she herself doesn't even realize how much she resents you.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Trin'tomakeitwork said:


> Please help me with any advice you might have. I love my wife but I need to fix this.


Mr. Work, I hope this advice below could inspire you to do something about your life. And to be a better person as well.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67092-who-sexless-marriage-like-me-2.html#post1426865



Holland said:


> I was in a sexless marriage, kids, busy life and logistics kept me there.
> I am a HD woman, he was the LD partner. It was a LTR of 17 plus years, was sexless for the last 5 years perhaps, I can't really remember anymore.
> 
> In the end I called it quits, it wasn't the lack of sex that was the real problem, it was that he told me he loved me yet his inaction showed the opposite. Like nearly everyone elses situation, we were great in every other way. Successful, hardworking, we had a brilliant social life, traveled, kids in private schools and all the sports and activities.
> ...


Thank you Mrs. Holland for her inspiring post!


----------

