# Need help with emotionally stunted husband: therapy isn’t enough?



## Hoya (7 mo ago)

We have been married 3 years, first 2 years LDM and then our first year living together. I was always concerned about my husband’s toxic relationship with his mom, and knew that eventually that we needed to go to therapy. However when we first got married we were both poor Ph.D students and didn’t have the financial means to afford it. 

I would say that both me and my husband have emotional baggages we must work on. However, recently I realized that he never took responsibility or never wanted to be held accountable for his side of the problems. Whenever we fight he one-sidedly blames me for all of it, and tells me reoccuringly that I am the problem of our marriage. When we have a difference in recollection of what happened, he would rather see it that one of us is lying (ofc it would always be me) rather than seeing it as two people = two sets of experiences. He has verly little tolerance in emotional discomfort, that every time I want to talk about my feelings or discuss important things, he feels attacked and criticized, even when it is not about him. I’ve gotten used to crying by myself, self-soothing myself, but recently started to grow resentment towards him. Our last fight was a small issue that escalated out of proportions. The trigger? I expressed my disappointment in him because we had misunderstood between “arriving at 12.30pm” and “leaving at 12.30pm”. usually I would calm down and apologize for showing my disappointment in a “chaotic” manner, but I just have had it. I refused to “apologize that everything is my fault” and our fight exploded.

i feel like I have no one to talk to. Before our marriage I could always talk to friends, my mom, my siblings, about anything. for the sake of respecting our marriage life, I shsre as little as possible regarding my marriage problems. However, we have stopped talking all day, he is now on hunger-strike for whatever reason, and he wouldn’t talk to me. If he does utter a word to me he would do it ina condescending way.

i know that I am also not innocent. I still have issues with my ego, and when intimidated, I could start hitting. I know hitting is a big no no and I am doing my best to be in control, but it seems that we both have rubbed each other the wrong way and influencing each other negatively. As such, my husband who was previously not aggressive is nowadays showing signs of aggression, much more frequently than I do. And as you can guess what happens when he tests my limits and goes over my threshold… we start getting into a physical fight. he wouldn’t throw the first fist but he would “accidentally” hit me with his bag, or intimidate me so bad that he would squish me under him..

we started consulting to a psychologist around 2 weeks ago but I am not feeling that it is enough. Counseling is so expensive cumulatively, and our fights progression and marital disintegration is happening faster than our recovery.

to people who have gone through couple’s therapy, can you give me some advice about how to keep your marriage intact while you’re trying to get help?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Hoya said:


> ... we have stopped talking all day, he is now on hunger-strike for whatever reason, and he wouldn’t talk to me. If he does utter a word to me he would do it ina condescending way.





Hoya said:


> ...when intimidated, I could start hitting.





Hoya said:


> And as you can guess what happens when he tests my limits and goes over my threshold… we start getting into a physical fight. he wouldn’t throw the first fist but he would “accidentally” hit me with his bag, or intimidate me so bad that he would squish me under him.


JMO, but I think both of you need to be in individual counseling too. ^^This^^ is not the behavior of mature, rational adults. Hitting is NEVER right. And you have no excuses whatsoever for it. It all boils down to an inability to handle anger in a mature, constructive fashion.

No marriage will remain intact unless BOTH parties are committed to keeping it that way. Is your husband onboard with saving the marriage?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Hitting a man who won’t hit back is really bad.

I see a lot of minimising on your part, and the classic, ‘look what he/she made me do’. While you’re clearly able to see and state all of your issues, large ego, hitting (!!!) emotional outbursts and anger issues, you’re very much blaming him. No good.

I’m worried for him frankly, and can see why he’s withdrawing and trying everything not to escalate. But you keep pushing him for a reaction, I can feel the build up here. 

Could it be that you’re not talking to anyone about your problems because you know what they’ll tell you? (What would your friends and family say if they knew you were hitting your husband?)

Who is the one asking for therapy, you or him? Are either of you already seeing someone?

Lastly, has your husband ever tried to leave?


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## Hoya (7 mo ago)

we are both in therapy. So far we have had 2 individual sessions with the therapist. I arranged another one for myself today. We have a couple’s session arranged for next week.

I am not talking to my friends and family about our issues but we are seeing a psychologist. I was taught that sharing marital issues with anyone close to us is not good for our marriage.

my husband and I have separated our sleeping arrangement around 3 times within the past months because of these outbursts. But I want to correct you that he does hit back.

after our fight we have Not talked, and so I do not know what is in his mind. He refuses to talk and is completely shutting me out. I am not sure what to do other than to leave him be and wait.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Let me tell you something that you may not understand. If your husband catches you on camera hitting him he could have you arrested. You will then have a criminal record for assault and that will follow you for years and will affect your career.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, all good suggestions above.

This sounds like an Amber Heard story btw.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hoya said:


> we are both in therapy. So far we have had 2 individual sessions with the therapist. I arranged another one for myself today. We have a couple’s session arranged for next week.
> 
> I am not talking to my friends and family about our issues but we are seeing a psychologist. I was taught that sharing marital issues with anyone close to us is not good for our marriage.
> 
> ...


it appears your husband's way of dealing with your outbursts is to shut down. This is one way rather than escalate. You have a major problem with anger and hitting is a big no no. It is physical abuse. I would suggest you use verbal abuse also. You are fully responsible for your own behaviour and need help.
Sharing your issues with those closest to you will hold you accountable provided you tell them the truth and not skew info against your husband as you have seemed to do in your post above.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

I believe you came here looking for advice. I agree with all of the previous posts and am against any type of abuse. With that said, if he shuts down at every confrontation, then yes, he needs to go to individual therapy. My H was and is like that and it was very difficult to communicate with him about anything. I felt alone. He needs to want to seek help.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s going to be very difficult if he won’t take responsibility for how he participated - and always wants to blame you. He learned that pattern somewhere while growing up.

His family of origin looks like what? What’s the relationship with his Mom?

ultimately, if you feel lonely in your marriage then why stay married? I’d point blank ask him “do YOU expect to change?” If he doesn’t - then leave. Life is too short to put up with feeling lonely in any marriage.


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