# Partner just left 3 days ago



## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

Hello.

I am new to this forum and am looking for advice and support please.

I am in a relationship now for 10 years. Like all relationships, we have our ups and downs. On friday we had a disagreement in the garden and I got a bit loud. She has left before for this and said if I did it again, she was off. Usually she comes back the following day or 2 days later if I leave her a bit of space - now it's 3 days. She has returned briefly to replenish clothes but isn't returning my calls. I have now not attempted contact for 48 hours - figuring she needs space - but no isdea how much space.

She has our daughter and I obviously want to see my daughter and hopefully get things back. 

I have a big appetite normally but can't eat much at all. I alternate from feeling starving hungry to sick in my stomach. I am pining for my partner and daughter to come back and have random bouts of sobbing

How long will this horrible feeling of hopelessness last? Is it normal for a man of 40 to sob? Will the hunger return? 3 days has seemed like a lifetime. Every car that passes I think it's them

Any advice appreciated. Thanks


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She told you what would happen if your behavior continued, and then she followed through with it. So what are you doing now to show her she should come back?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I'd say it's normal to feel sad, but don't spend the time sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and hoping she'll come back.

You said she asked you not to be "a bit loud", yet you did it anyway. Spend the time working on that - why do you do things that you know will hurt her? Is it anger issues? Is her request for you not to do this reasonable? Etc. What are you going to do to make sure it never happens again if she comes back?

Work that stuff out in your head, and post while you come up with new ideas. This board can offer really wonderful support.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

From just what you wrote one could assume that you getting loud means that you were being abusive. Has there been physical abuse in the past?

That said, it is unclear whether or not from what you posted that it was or was not reasonable for her to leave.

Leaving and disappearing for days without contact can be abusive in itself.

So which is it? Did she have reason to leave because she was afraid of you or did she pick a fight so she could leave?

What was the argument about? It matters.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

My daughter just left her bf for similar reasons. Third time too. She's done this time - nothing he could say or do to change things - said all the words before and just aren't working this time. Too little too late for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If your wife was here I suspect the advice to her would be to stay strong and stay gone. 

Sorry, but being abusive is not ok. You caused this. Now you have to live with it. Perhaps if you get into counseling or something she'd be willing to give you another chance.


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

PBear said:


> She told you what would happen if your behavior continued, and then she followed through with it. So what are you doing now to show her she should come back?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had considered Anger Management, but i think she is worse than me for that. I have done stuff round the house I wouldn't normally do - and have texted to explain this to her - whether she comes back is another matter


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

To answer these posts in 1. We have a rather fiesty relationship - normally I am the calmer one. The issue was we have an ongoing dispute with our neighbour which doesn't bother me as I don't care about the garden, but my partner does. There was something on TV I thought she wanted to watch. I shouted it was 15 mins to go, then 5 mins to go and finally asked my daughter to tell her it was 1 minute left and I didn't want to miss the start. My partner was struggling with the lock on the shed about 20m away. She asked for help and I shouted "No - it's about to start". I then waited until the programme started and ran down to help her saying she should have told me 10 mins earlier - possibly also a bit loud and alerting the neighbour to the fact that we were bickering, whch the neighbour loves to hear. She had locked the shed by this point and was now coming back to the house with me. She had a go at me in the house and she that was it.

Hopefully that answers the questions. I have just read that back and I can see how bad that makes me look.


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I'd say it's normal to feel sad, but don't spend the time sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and hoping she'll come back.
> 
> You said she asked you not to be "a bit loud", yet you did it anyway. Spend the time working on that - why do you do things that you know will hurt her? Is it anger issues? Is her request for you not to do this reasonable? Etc. What are you going to do to make sure it never happens again if she comes back?
> 
> Work that stuff out in your head, and post while you come up with new ideas. This board can offer really wonderful support.


It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. Had to return to work this morning and I lasted 5 mins and had to come home again - can't stop crying.

I never realise I am being loud and angry until after the event. It just happens. Never physical - just verbal. It's when I'm frustrated. In a text the next day I said as much, that I never realise until its done so I will have to stop getting louder full stop.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

havenlad said:


> To answer these posts in 1. We have a rather fiesty relationship - normally I am the calmer one. The issue was we have an ongoing dispute with our neighbour which doesn't bother me as I don't care about the garden, but my partner does. There was something on TV I thought she wanted to watch. I shouted it was 15 mins to go, then 5 mins to go and finally asked my daughter to tell her it was 1 minute left and I didn't want to miss the start. My partner was struggling with the lock on the shed about 20m away. She asked for help and I shouted "No - it's about to start". I then waited until the programme started and ran down to help her saying she should have told me 10 mins earlier - possibly also a bit loud and alerting the neighbour to the fact that we were bickering, whch the neighbour loves to hear. She had locked the shed by this point and was now coming back to the house with me. She had a go at me in the house and she that was it.
> 
> Hopefully that answers the questions. I have just read that back and I can see how bad that makes me look.


You don't have a DVR?

Maybe she's just seeing your relationship for what it is... maybe there's just too much bickering and dissent going on in general and she's over it.


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

I have admitted I was in the wrong, but it's 3 times now. How can I persuade her to come back? Should I give her as long as it takes rather than bombard her with texts? When will this hopeless feeling disappear? So many questions - sorry


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

havenlad said:


> I had considered Anger Management, but i think she is worse than me for that. I have done stuff round the house I wouldn't normally do - and have texted to explain this to her - whether she comes back is another matter


Sorry, this sounds a lot like "I wouldn't have hit her but she wouldn't stop yapping". You need to take ownership of your actions. I'd sign up for anger management if I was you, and forget about the home maintenance. 

This is based on what you've said... There's a lot we don't know, obviously. If you have issues with how she treats you, those are boundaries you need to discuss with her.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> You don't have a DVR?
> 
> Maybe she's just seeing your relationship for what it is... maybe there's just too much bickering and dissent going on in general and she's over it.


No we don;t have a DVR. What I didn't know was she wasn't that bothered about the programme - I thought she was.

You could be right - her family think we are incompatible because of all the bickering. I always think bickering can be reconciled


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

havenlad said:


> To answer these posts in 1. We have a rather fiesty relationship - normally I am the calmer one. The issue was we have an ongoing dispute with our neighbour which doesn't bother me as I don't care about the garden, but my partner does. There was something on TV I thought she wanted to watch. I shouted it was 15 mins to go, then 5 mins to go and finally asked my daughter to tell her it was 1 minute left and I didn't want to miss the start. My partner was struggling with the lock on the shed about 20m away. She asked for help and I shouted "No - it's about to start". I then waited until the programme started and ran down to help her saying she should have told me 10 mins earlier - possibly also a bit loud and alerting the neighbour to the fact that we were bickering, whch the neighbour loves to hear. She had locked the shed by this point and was now coming back to the house with me. She had a go at me in the house and she that was it.
> 
> Hopefully that answers the questions. I have just read that back and I can see how bad that makes me look.


Lad, I was just going to point that out. She may have been it a spot to complete her task in time. You did seem to put your foot in it.

You apologized. That's it. Now wait, don't pester her. Start looking up counselors for the anger and couples counseling. Only let her know your going to proceed with counseling. Only speak to her if she contacts you.


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

PBear said:


> Sorry, this sounds a lot like "I wouldn't have hit her but she wouldn't stop yapping". You need to take ownership of your actions. I'd sign up for anger management if I was you, and forget about the home maintenance.
> 
> This is based on what you've said... There's a lot we don't know, obviously. If you have issues with how she treats you, those are boundaries you need to discuss with her.
> 
> ...


I ma normally a very calm person. There's only her that really riles me when she does something I consider silly. Normally in disagreements it's her who goes OTT. What got me in this situation was I gave her 15 mins notice of the programme - she reckons she told me she wasn't bothered, then too late to catch the atart of it, she had a problem and expected me to fix it - she should have come in earlier or left me to sort it later.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

havenlad said:


> No we don;t have a DVR. What I didn't know was she wasn't that bothered about the programme - I thought she was.
> 
> You could be right - her family think we are incompatible because of all the bickering. I always think bickering can be reconciled


Well sounds like she and her family have the same idea and you are on the wrong page of this book.

There isn't much you can do. She's gone, she needs to clear her head. I have to say I admire a woman that can stick to her convictions. I'm the same way... if I tell you I'm doing something, I'm doing it. No exceptions. She warned you, and you didn't think before you acted AGAIN. 

How many chances do you think you should have before you respect her wishes?


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Lad, I was just going to point that out. She may have been it a spot to complete her task in time. You did seem to put your foot in it.


Yeah but I only went out there to try to help. If:

a) I had left her out there - would not have been right
b) I went down there calmy - she's still be here now
c) Started putting things away 5 mins earlier - she would still have been here now


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You apologized. That's it. Now wait, don't pester her. Only speak to her if she contacts you. Start looking up counselors for the anger and couples counseling. Only let her know your going to proceed with counseling.


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Well sounds like she and her family have the same idea and you are on the wrong page of this book.
> 
> There isn't much you can do. She's gone, she needs to clear her head. I have to say I admire a woman that can stick to her convictions. I'm the same way... if I tell you I'm doing something, I'm doing it. No exceptions. She warned you, and you didn't think before you acted AGAIN.
> 
> How many chances do you think you should have before you respect her wishes?


Hmm - this forum certainly makes you think. Although i don't like what I am seeing, I certainly can't argue with it. I always say it is an over-reaction, but you can't all be wrong. From the female point of view:

a) What would it take for you take me back?

b) Would she be better to just be done with it and not come back?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

havenlad said:


> Hmm - this forum certainly makes you think. Although i don't like what I am seeing, I certainly can't argue with it. I always say it is an over-reaction, but you can't all be wrong. From the female point of view:
> 
> a) What would it take for you take me back?
> 
> b) Would she be better to just be done with it and not come back?


A) You in anger management or some other therapy for at least 30 days.

B) She could be. Maybe it's true, you two aren't as compatible as you believe. Bickering isn't sexy at all. I'd get sick of getting into it with you all the time. It shouldn't be so hard to get along.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Still a guy's perspective... But I wouldn't go back into a situation like that unless there was a plan to improve it. Otherwise, history will simply be repeated. The anger management is a way for you to demonstrate you're serious about fixing your end... Joint MC or individual counseling on her side is a way for her to demonstrate she's still invested into the marriage. You're within your rights to request changes as well, but the only person you can truly change is yourself. So start there.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I hate abuse but was this really the type of thing for someone to leave and not be able to contact them?

This seems .... f'd up.

I mean really?

Not defending anyone here. I could see her getting hacked off at the countdown and then the no. But I do not understand the leaving.

This said, this has happened before. What were those about?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I hate abuse but was this really the type of thing for someone to leave and not be able to contact them?
> 
> This seems .... f'd up.
> 
> I mean really?


We only know the OP's version, which is that she told him if he got loud with her again she's out.

It's happened enough for her to want to leave again, she's done it previously and I assume she thought he'd get the message then.

What you will tolerate in a relationship and at what level is very subjective. Maybe to her, it's happened enough that she's fed up... this last incident was the straw that broke the camels back.


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I hate abuse but was this really the type of thing for someone to leave and not be able to contact them?
> 
> This seems .... f'd up.
> 
> ...


Pretty much the same thing. Can't remember the exact arguments but 1 of them was deffo me being loud in the garden and one was an argument, where she leaves the room rather than resolve it - and i follow her because I prefer resolution. During arguments I tend to stay calm and she explodes - this one was one of the 3 where this didn't happen


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> We only know the OP's version, which is that she told him if he got loud with her again she's out.
> 
> It's happened enough for her to want to leave again, she's done it previously and I assume she thought he'd get the message then.
> 
> What you will tolerate in a relationship and at what level is very subjective. Maybe to her, it's happened enough that she's fed up... this last incident was the straw that broke the camels back.


Sume it up very well. Given 10 secs to think I would not do it but it's the snap decision where frustration takes over. I still think leaving is an over-reaction but everybody has pet hates - hers just happens to be me rasing my voice during arguments when in the garden


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> We only know the OP's version, which is that she told him if he got loud with her again she's out.
> 
> It's happened enough for her to want to leave again, she's done it previously and I assume she thought he'd get the message then.
> 
> What you will tolerate in a relationship and at what level is very subjective. Maybe to her, it's happened enough that she's fed up... this last incident was the straw that broke the camels back.


And this is what I am wondering. Trying to determine if this is the case.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She doesn't want your disagreements broadcasted to the neighbors. I get that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

havenlad said:


> I ma normally a very calm person. There's only her that really riles me when she does something I consider silly. Normally in disagreements it's her who goes OTT. What got me in this situation was I gave her 15 mins notice of the programme - she reckons she told me she wasn't bothered, then too late to catch the atart of it, she had a problem and expected me to fix it - *she should have come in earlier or left me to sort it later*.


 Even after she's gone, you're determining what SHE should have done?

As though this is all her fault? 

I imagine that attitude comes shining through just fine.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

havenlad said:


> Pretty much the same thing. Can't remember the exact arguments but 1 of them was deffo me being loud in the garden and one was an argument, where she leaves the room rather than resolve it - and* i follow her because I prefer resolution*. During arguments I tend to stay calm and she explodes - this one was one of the 3 where this didn't happen


 Again, you are describing how you push YOUR way of doing things, without trying to understand what it's like from her side.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

havenlad said:


> Sume it up very well. Given 10 secs to think I would not do it but it's the snap decision where frustration takes over. I still think leaving is an over-reaction but everybody has pet hates -* hers just happens to be me rasing my voice during arguments when in the garden*


 This says two things: One, she is more concerned about what other people think about her than you are - and you need to understand that need of hers and accept it and WORK with it. And two, a man raising his voice against a woman is usually one of a woman's greatest security issues because it's one step away from violence; so if you have no control - or don't CARE to have any control - over raising your voice, you are telling her that you care more about your own convenience and happiness than you care about her feeling safe and loved.

Are you starting to see why she left?


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

turnera said:


> This says two things: One, she is more concerned about what other people think about her than you are - and you need to understand that need of hers and accept it and WORK with it. And two, a man raising his voice against a woman is usually one of a woman's greatest security issues because it's one step away from violence; so if you have no control - or don't CARE to have any control - over raising your voice, you are telling her that you care more about your own convenience and happiness than you care about her feeling safe and loved.
> 
> Are you starting to see why she left?


Yes I am and I appreciate your input. She left because she felt threatened in case the aggression escalated and also because she believes I don't care what other people think about her, whereas she cares a great deal about what others think of her (you have that that spot on). I have never thought of it like that but hearing it from an outsider it makes perfect sense.

So I can see where I went wrong - if I work on these things, how can I let he know that I understand.


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

Originally Posted by havenlad View Post
I ma normally a very calm person. There's only her that really riles me when she does something I consider silly. Normally in disagreements it's her who goes OTT. What got me in this situation was I gave her 15 mins notice of the programme - she reckons she told me she wasn't bothered, then too late to catch the atart of it, she had a problem and expected me to fix it - she should have come in earlier or left me to sort it later.



turnera said:


> Even after she's gone, you're determining what SHE should have done?
> 
> As though this is all her fault?
> 
> I imagine that attitude comes shining through just fine.


Yes I see that now. How can I expect her to come in when i want - that is up to her. That cannot be blamed for what happened. It was my fault.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm confused how someone could leave for 3 days over calling out about a TV show. There's obviously other issues going on here!

I did have a very angry ex that would yell, throw things, hit, etc... if I stood up for myself at all (even to get away from her) she would threaten police, leave for hours, etc. She needed to have 100% control and not be questioned about anything at any time. Obviously ended in disaster.

On the other hand, there have been times that I've yelled and been obnoxious for stupid reasons and my current wife was right to get really POd at my loss of self control. Something I learned to get better at the hard way.

Anyhow... need more details to help ya, bud.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She'll have to get in touch eventually, if you have a kid together. You'll have to start telling her and SHOWING her any way you can that you've learned a lot.


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

marduk said:


> I'm confused how someone could leave for 3 days over calling out about a TV show. There's obviously other issues going on here!
> 
> I did have a very angry ex that would yell, throw things, hit, etc... if I stood up for myself at all (even to get away from her) she would threaten police, leave for hours, etc. She needed to have 100% control and not be questioned about anything at any time. Obviously ended in disaster.
> 
> ...


She does like a bit of control. But then again so do I. What do you mean you learnt the hard way?


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

turnera said:


> She'll have to get in touch eventually, if you have a kid together. You'll have to start telling her and SHOWING her any way you can that you've learned a lot.


Yeah I think it's a case of giving her space until she gets in touch. How long is anybody's guess.

Will this sick feeling and crying stop pretty quickly? It's driving me mad


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

havenlad said:


> What do you mean you learnt the hard way?


Here's what I mean: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html


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## havenlad (Jul 30, 2012)

marduk said:


> Here's what I mean: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html


Bloody hell what a cracking post.

The "Accept losing her" is a killer. Hopefully it won't happen but I am starting to prepare mentally.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> From just what you wrote one could assume that you getting loud means that you were being abusive. Has there been physical abuse in the past?
> 
> That said, it is unclear whether or not from what you posted that it was or was not reasonable for her to leave.
> 
> ...


There are so many men that just can’t see or get these things. For example here it looks like his partner waited until the split second the program started and then called for help with the lock.

Now is that (a) a split second coincidence or (b) a deliberate and planned act of covert aggression? Once a man accepts that his wife can and will deliberately get under his skin in order to wound him, he is able to look at things this way.

But his big problem is that in response to being hurt by his wife, he got angry. Wrong move! Because that (a) just escalates the problem and (b) he now looks like the aggressor, which as you said may well have been his wife’s intent.



Havenlad, I’m not saying what your wife did was a deliberate act of aggression, designed to make you miss the start of the program, wound you and get you angry. It could really have been a coincidence, but I think that rather doubtful as you could of course have fixed the lock once the program had ended.

You need to be TRULY aware that your anger is at times triggered by your wife’s deliberate acts of covert aggression. But if all your response to her wounding you is anger, you will be swamped by that emotion and therefore blind, absolutely blind to what happened and what’s happening.

It is your ego that gets angry and at the times your wife wounds you, you need to get away from your ego. To learn how to do that and how to develop and use your observer consciousness, read Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

PBear said:


> Sorry, this sounds a lot like "I wouldn't have hit her but she wouldn't stop yapping". You need to take ownership of your actions. I'd sign up for anger management if I was you, and forget about the home maintenance.
> 
> This is based on what you've said... There's a lot we don't know, obviously. If you have issues with how she treats you, those are boundaries you need to discuss with her.
> 
> ...


From your post it appears that you’ve no experience of covert/passive aggression. Acts of aggression designed to wound and cause pain without seeming to be deliberate and totally and absolutely deniable.

Which believe me is for you an exceptionally good thing. Passive aggression is wicked and quite evil. But because you haven’t experienced covert/passive aggression it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.


For sure he needs to understand where his anger comes from and how to manage and process it in healthy ways. But he also needs to understand that as a husband his wife is able to get inside his defences, right under his skin and wound him like nobody else on the planet can.

It’s how he responds to the pain his wife causes him, either in a conscious or subconscious way, that is key for him, his wife, his child and his marriage.

And to that end he is best to learn about passive aggression (Google, it’s a masive subject), Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books and his emotions http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-I...8306/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343732073&sr=8-1


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We don't have enough evidence to determine she's doing that, AFEH. Your past is coloring your posts.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

turnera said:


> We don't have enough evidence to determine she's doing that, AFEH. Your past is coloring your posts.


A lot of people don’t know about covert aggression. That it’s a secret killer of love and therefore of a marriage. And yes I am on somewhat of a mission to bring this most especially to the attention of men. Because for sure if I knew what I was dealing with I’d have handled it so very much better.


Yet even then I do not agree with your criticism of me. You can see that from my post just here in this thread that I recommend he thinks of it as a possibility. And for sure, why on earth did she call for his help right at the very moment the program started? Too much of a coincidence.

And for sure, what she did could well have been in retaliation for something he did or didn’t do that hurt her in order to get her revenge. Yet still he should know about covert/passive aggression.


Even then still my advice to him is to work on himself, to learn about how wives can get under a husband’s skin and wound them deeply. And how not to retaliate with anger as I did here for the OP http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/52498-when-return-work-crying.html.


As for me I’d absolutely refuse to listen to any advice at all from a woman who has planned to leave her husband for over 20 years!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't have a problem with him considering it. But you advised on the _assumption_ that that was her agenda.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The way I read the situation...

Wife doesn't like something he's doing, says if you do that again, I'm leaving. Everything is good for awhile, but eventually he does it again. She leaves for a couple of days, ends up coming back to try again. Everything is good for awhile, till he does it again. Rinse and repeat the return, everything good, bad behavior, leaving... In the end, the only behavior he can really fix is the "bad behavior". And yelling at your spouse in a public area would be a deal breaker for many people. There's many ways for dealing with someone else's negative actions that don't involve emotionally abusing them, like walking away from the situation to de-escalate the tension. 

Again, I don't have all the information about the situation, so I'm reading between the lines. I wasn't in the garden, so I can't say who did what. and no, I haven't had to deal with a passive aggressive personality in a relationship. My STBXW was just conflict avoidant. She would do things like stay up until she was sure I was going to be asleep so she could avoid intimacy. Or refuse to take a holiday without the kids, for the same reason. 

Just my $0.02, though...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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