# So confused, is my wife abusing me?



## djum (Aug 31, 2014)

Hello everyone, 

Thanks for the help. I have been with my wife for about 6 years, 4 which have been married. Within the last two years things have been getting progressively worse. Hopefully you can shed the light on why things are so bad for me!

She is very hard on me with what I am not capable of. For example, I am not a very good handyman and she makes me feel guilty about how little I can do around the house. (She is an engineer and pretty handy) On my side of the fence, I do keep the house tidy, doing all the dishes, garbage and recyclables. I help with laundry, keeping the beds made etc. She is extremely OCD, but she doesn't pick up after herself. She freaks about something being dusty, but at the same time will leave glasses and food stacked up in her office. 

The next issue I take a large amount of "abuse" from is our financial situation. She has a very good job as an engineer and thus covers most of our major bills. I am a college professor and make significantly less money than her. For example she pays the mortgage, and I pay the internet and TV bill (to put it in perspective.) She makes comments to me that she has all of the burdon on her shoulders and I don't help at all. Also, she will say things like "I put a roof over your head" and "You couldn't live on your own" (I lived on my own for a decade as a middle school teacher)

I feel like she is always so angry. I ask her "Why are you so mad?" she responds "because I have to do everything" This has lead to us having no sex in over a year because she's so unhappy. When I propose "intimacy" with her, she is too tired from working so hard. She asks me for back rubs and to caress her back when she is feeling bad and I never say no... I always hope that this may lead to sex, but it hasn't in a very long time. She gets VERY angry now when I ask to have sex, and says to me "you don't do anything to make me want to have sex with you."

She is extremely bitter about me being a professor and not working over the summers. I do side jobs to make some supplemental money, but that doesn't come on her radar at all, because it still doesn't help with the "big bills." 

When I try to have conversations with her about why she is so miserable, she deflects. Am I wrong? I am FAR from a perfect person... I have faults, and I admit them to her. I feel like I project love and warmth and she tells me I force it on her and I kiss her to try to prove a point that she isn't intimate with me. 

Thanks for letting me vent, and I hope to hear some responses from you. 

~DJ


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## djum (Aug 31, 2014)

I forgot to add, we are both in our 30's and we have no children.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Why don't you tell us if YOU think she is abusing you...

Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

Someone down the pipe will probably tell you to read MMSLP and No More Mister Nice Guy, but I have no experience with either, so I will wait for those recommendations and just put the bug in your ear.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You do a hell of a lot more around the house then I would ever do.

From what I just read, it looks like your wife has beat down your self esteem.

Hell I want to marry you.

My point ...IT'S NOT YOU IT'S HER!!!!
This is abuse and its effecting your self respect.

Please read those two book mentioned above ASAP.

And one more thing.....stop rewarding your wife for this crappy behavior and sh1tty treatment she has towards you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As a teacher you have to know that bad behavior continues with out consequences.

Please its time to stand up and stop tolerating this abuse... raise your attraction level by showing her you are confident enough to let her go.

If she is so unhappy then ask her to leave, maybe then she will see what she is about to lose when you stand up to her and help her pack her crap with a smile on your face.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Next time she starts to belittle you tell her to go stay with her boyfriend...let him deal with her crap.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

djum said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> Thanks for the help. I have been with my wife for about 6 years, 4 which have been married. Within the last two years things have been getting progressively worse. Hopefully you can shed the light on why things are so bad for me!
> 
> ...


You need to rebuild your self respect 
As she has zero respect for you

You need to start with that

And if you lived alone for 10 years

You can do it again

Read NMMNG &
MMSLP

Google them

55


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## djum (Aug 31, 2014)

Thanks for replies,

I agree after reading some of the info you provided that she is abusive at times. She does love me I know that, I just think her problems (ocd) ultimately add to the strain. 

I do get the feeling she doesn't respect me or what I do at times. She reminds me time and time again that she works 60 hours a a week and i work 30, and that she makes 100k and I make 30.

It really scares me to think of just leaving the house, and finding some small apartment. I do have my own bank account, but it would be a huge struggle for awhile. Divorce really seems like the final straw, but should I consider being separated for awhile? 

Is it weird that she compares me to her xbf (like 10 years ago) who hit her? I forgot to bring this up earlier. 

My wife is a good person, she cares (maybe too much) and I think she just doesn't understand what she does. 

Thanks for the support.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

*Re: Re: So confused, is my wife abusing me?*

How? In addition to everything else comparing you to her X doesn't seem like a sign of love to me (even if she's saying 'you are so better in each and every aspect'... which she isn't). 



djum said:


> She does love me I know that


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

She doesnt seem to have textbook ocd. She wouldnt have her office a mess. I have ocd and a stack of dishes would drive me insane. Sounds like she is just looking for something else to nitpick about you. Having said that, she has no respect for you and I don't think it has anything to do with income. You kiss butt (it seems) while she treats you like crap (it seems) tolerating her behavior makes you look weak. Quit giving massages and reclaim your balls and self esteem!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Yep. Read those books. Add to that list "when I say no I feel guilty"

You my friend are her roommate. You have low sexual market value to her and she is openly telling you. When you give her a back rub hoping for sex that's a covert contract and it's dishonest. As a man tell her you have needs and it's part of marriage for her to fulfill it. You're a long way from telling her this though. 

You fix it by fixing yourself. Go to the gym. Lift heavy shît. You're in a tough spot because she resents you for not making enough money. So up your "prestige" by becoming the best professor you can be. 

It may to forgone. Fixing this will take months to years. But in the end you may find you can do better than her (you can) and that she is 100% replaceable (she is). 

The first step starts by standing up to her. The next time she freaks about dusty crap tell her "yep! Isn't it awful!" Then if she pushes it tell her "I'm cool with it. You don't like it? You deal with it." 

Your in deep, something's will take time. But bad behavior should never be tolerated.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

No sex, no affection, verbally abused....living in a studio apartment should sound way better than the arraingnment you have now.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like you are doing your fair share. She knew how much you made when you two go married. You should be combining your money into one account and paying the bills with that money. You are the one who should be angry at her for treating you the way she does and for withholding sex. I would separate and find a women who would appreciate you. You will have to downsize your life but I would rather live in a small apartment by myself than with someone who belittles me. She will never be happy.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Original Poster,

Look up the definition of "Hypergamy" and all of your questions will be answered. Your wife has lost interest and respect for you based upon a woman's nature to be hypergamous.

Is this fair or rational behavior by her - of course not. But it is the underlying reason for your wife's attitude towards you. She will, of course, never admit that to you......that would be so politically incorrect; but hypergamy is the underlying reason for her treatment of you.

As all women do your wife desires to be the wife of an "Alpha Male" and since she has come to the conclusion that she is married to a "beta male" she is very comfortable with treating you like crap.

Don't bother with "lifting weights" or trying to "improve yourself"......once a woman puts a male in the "beta male" zone he is stuck there until he rejects her. Since there are no children in the picture I recommend you end the marriage at a time of your choosing.......because she will eventually end the marriage at a time of her choosing.

Ironically once you do divorce her your status in her mind will be elevated since you decided to not tolerate her BS anymore......and she will view you as more "Alpha Male" than beta male.......and this will make her want you back. This is how female logic works.....although they will all deny it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

djum said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> Thanks for the help. I have been with my wife for about 6 years, 4 which have been married. Within the last two years things have been getting progressively worse. Hopefully you can shed the light on why things are so bad for me!
> 
> ...


 Hire a lawyer and when the dust settles, you get half. Hit her hard in the wallet big time.

You know if a guy would talk to his wife like that, you would have everyone from Dr Phil on down calling him everything but human.

For Christ sake man, you don't have to take that crap from her so why are you letting her get away with it. 

When she opens her big mouth, tell her to shove it sideways and if she doesn't like it, too bad but do not accept abuse from her.


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## djum (Aug 31, 2014)

Thanks for everything. I still feel like sh**, but maybe now I have some validity. 

Another problem I have is, I just don't know who to talk to. I have mentioned to a few of my friends in the past about what she has said to me. It's nice to come to the forum here and let it out.

Yesterday, she said to me "I will try to be less critical" out of the blue. That was literally the last thing she said to me about 24 hours ago. 

With a hanging head...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is spying on you.
Are you deleting the history on your computer?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

djum said:


> Thanks for everything. I still feel like sh**, but maybe now I have some validity.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



See the thing is people treat you the WAY YOU LET THEM. So when she says she's going to "try" hold her accountable. 

You have a choice in everything you do. You hold the keys to the relationship. Women control intimacy, but men, we control commitment. Every time your wife acts like a bîtch, say "would I tolerate this on a second date?" If the answer is "no" tell her you won't be married to her. 

Once you realize there's a million women, yes a million, who would push your wife aside to take her spot, you'd be surprised how little crap you put up with.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

djum said:


> Thanks for replies,
> I agree after reading some of the info you provided that she is abusive at times. She does love me I know that, I just think her problems (ocd) ultimately add to the strain.
> 
> I do get the feeling she doesn't respect me or what I do at times. She reminds me time and time again that she works 60 hours a a week and i work 30, and that she makes 100k and I make 30.


The workaholic in my wife is appalled with the slacker in me, never mind we both have the same education level, she works twice the hours I do, and I out earn her by 10%. 

Methinks there's a bit of a personality disorder there, not sure OCD would cover it tho.

To make things worse, my work is creative for the most part. Design and Design Analysis. Her job is consulting, blah, blah. Not difficult but tedious. Next time you think Design work is tough go to the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show where I've had stuff since 2000 and then we talk . You haven't seen stress when top execs of your company demonstrate your stuff to other companies' top execs... But for wifey, all I do is play with Photoshop and SPSS all day while she's saving the whales.

I don't think you can win this one...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You work 30 hours a week and you have summers off.

She works 60 hours a week 12 months out of the year.

With this difference in hours worked, you should be doing the majority of house work, shopping and cooking.

However her putting you down for you income, etc is a form of emotional abuse. 

All earned income should be going into a joint account, the bills paid out of it, savings comes out of that and then the two of you enjoy what is left over.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Others are right when they say this only continues because you allow it.

My wife treated me disrespectfully for a period of time and as soon as I grew a pair and told her that she either cut it out or we would be over she stopped. 

I suspect the longer you let her treat you like crap the worse she will treat you. By not valuing your self enough to put a stop to it you are telling you agree that you deserve to be treated like that.

You have nothing to lose, if you call her out and she changes your life will improve if she doesn't you can then make a choice. Stay and put up with being treated like crap for what ever she currently gives you in return (finical security??) or leave knowing you did all you could to make it work and that shes not going to change.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Rubbing her back hoping it leadsto sex is very pathetic.

Get a better paying job that she respects or divorce her. You have become the woman


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