# New here... Hoping I can get my head on straight...



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

Hello there. Reading some of the posts on here has been like DeJaVu! OH the games Exes play huh? I filed for Divorce 2 months ago, and the final hearing is in 2 weeks. I feel so alone so much of the time, and really I miss having my friend, though truth be told, he was missing a LOT longer than just since the divorce! Maybe been missing since the wedding.... I am trying to keep it together for myself and for my kids, and they are actually the ones keeping me strong and firm with following through with the divorce. I am still pretty numb and in shock, part of me wishes I would wake up and this would all have been a nightmare, but the other part of me knows it never really was what I thought it was. When does this mind numbing, gut wrenching sorrow subside?


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

I am wondering the best way to "Go Dark" when I have to ask to see his kids that I have raised for 5 years. I get to see them about a quarter of the time that I ask. He holds my heart and he knows it. I have gone just 1 week max with no contact. He seems to think that we can get back together once the divorce is final, focus on our friendship, and everything will be fine. All I want is contact with my (his) boys. I have bent over backwards to try to stay in their life, but at what cost to my 2 kids? There was domestic violence involved, and I cannot allow it to continue, for mine or the kids sake, but OMG it's like he tore those 2 precious boys directly from my heart. I think the best thing for me to do is stay silent until the divorce, he may or may not show up, then do I let it go? I have no legal rights to the kids, but I feel I am sacrificing them, for myself and my other kids. I live in a very small town, and while we were together he was all I had. He was everything to all of us, I didn't work, and the kids were home-schooled. Now it seems I have the freedom to do anything, but I am scared to go out the door!


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this  but you've come to right place. Some of these people are brilliant. I can't help you as I've never been divorced, just wanted you to know that you've come to the right place.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I can't help either as I don't know what your rights would be when it comes to his children, but I wish you all the luck in the world. The thought of losing them must be awful. Have you spoken to a lawyer? It must be awful for the boys also.

If he was abusive, you are way better off without him.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You don't have any rights when it comes to his children.

Best to let them go.

They're no longer your problem.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> You don't have any rights when it comes to his children.
> 
> Best to let them go.
> 
> They're no longer your problem.


How do you let children you love go????


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Frostflower said:


> How do you let children you love go????


Talk to me about my grandson.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Talk to me about my grandson.


I'm sorry, Conrad. Don't you get to see him at all?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Frostflower said:


> I'm sorry, Conrad. Don't you get to see him at all?


Haven't seen him for months.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Haven't seen him for months.


That must hurt so much. How old is he, if you don't mind me asking? He must miss you too. I hope things will work out for you.

As for OK, would the courts not recognize the fact that she has raised them for five years and grant her some access? Or am I naive?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Courts are all about blood relations. Step-parents have less parental rights than adoptive parents and even less than grandparents.

He's 5.

I missed his first tee-ball season.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

There comes a time in life when one has to chose between survival or a slow death at the mercy of unconditional love.

Make your choice.

My suggestion: survive


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Courts are all about blood relations. Step-parents have less parental rights than adoptive parents and even less than grandparents.
> 
> He's 5.
> 
> I missed his first tee-ball season.


I don't even know what to say. I cannot imagine your pain nor can I understand how someone could be so cruel as to keep a child from his Grandfather. 

You always know what to say to us. Wish I could offer something more than I hope things will get better. But I honestly do hope they will. Family is important. You don't deserve this and neither does that little boy.


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

I am so caught off guard by some of the snappy replies I have been seeing on here. I hope I can keep myself together enough to at least not be so bitter. Tonight has been such a rough night and it is all I can do not to call the whole thing off. It is 2 weeks away and I can't help but think I am pulling the trigger that is killing our family. There is so much backstory, like with everyone, that I don't want to hash it out, but I KNOW this is for the best. My kids AND his needs to see that our marriage was NOT how a marriage should be or how a man should treat a woman. My daughter needs to see me be strong, and my son needs to know he cannot put his hands on any other person especially a woman. That being said, I am so scared to be alone. I have done relatively well since he left, May 24, of course the ups and downs. Tonight is just overwhelming me. I am SO alone! I miss my sweet boys. I miss the bickering and giggling that was a constant in my home. I even miss just sitting next to my husband falling asleep as we watched a movie. Am I ever going to have that again? Do I WANT that again? And the bigger question... How often did that actually happen? I find that I am missing memories, that I was missing while he was even still here. I am so torn minute to minute. The closer the day comes, the more insane I feel. I want my family back, but I don't want the yelling, fighting, hitting, and fear that has been my life for the last 4 years. OMG I am a mess..... I think I am single-handed taking down women's lib, because all I want right now is to be hugged and comforted.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you tried standing up to him without emotion and anger?


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

I have to admit that choosing surviving feels like I am sacrificing his boys, for my happiness. They are miserable, they don't understand why I don't want them anymore. I am severely limited as to what I can say to them or he will totally sever ties. I have not talked to them in days. All the kids would use Facetime and talk almost every night, but since I would not get together with him after his court hearing (I had to work) there has been no contact. I saw the oldest (11) last Saturday for an hour, and that was the last contact I have had. I know he is waiting for me to call and beg to see them, it's what I have done every few days since they left. I have to stop. I know that. I have told them that there are many things that are going to be said and talked about by everyone around them, but they need to know, and always remember that I love them so very very much and I wish they could be with me always. I hope they can keep that in their hearts. They are living in a 2 bedroom trailer with his parents, and his 40 YO addict brother. Their lives have completely changed and he is only interested in hurting me, not in making this easier on them (of course it is how I am seeing it) OH I just wish I could go to sleep. I miss my boys....


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Have you tried standing up to him without emotion and anger?


I can't. He will shut down and I won't hear from him for days. Like what I am going through now. I am here whining and moaning, so that I don't call begging to see them. I have never stood up to him, other than filing for divorce. Even then I have driven the papers to him, paid, everything to make things easier on him, just so that it will be done. He thinks when it is done we can date and get back together. He didn't want the divorce. He was arrested when he attacked me (for the first time in front of the kids) and they called the cops and he was arrested. I found out at that time he had been abusing my kids too, and also his youngest. I had to draw the line, so when I got out of the hospital I had everything switched to my name (most already was) and when he was released from jail he had 24 hours to leave. He took or destroyed everything, and still thinks I will come back.... Like I always had before, but before I didnt know about the kids. I HAVE to be a mom first... Even if it means I am alone, they have been through too much to have me bring that into their lives. I KNOW that in my head, and I am typing it with my hands, but can't seem to get my heart to be able to read it!!!


----------



## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

The heart / head barrier is volatile battlefield. It is often the ground upon which the Rollercoaster takes you. And there is going to continue to be up and down in your future. 

You are making smart decisions to protect yourself and your family. Take some comfort In getting that far. And if you feel yourself on the verge of doing something rash then hold back for 24hrs and review in a different light.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

When someone says they can't, it actually means they "won't".



OKwhatsnext? said:


> I can't. He will shut down and I won't hear from him for days. Like what I am going through now. I am here whining and moaning, so that I don't call begging to see them. I have never stood up to him, other than filing for divorce. Even then I have driven the papers to him, paid, everything to make things easier on him, just so that it will be done. He thinks when it is done we can date and get back together. He didn't want the divorce. He was arrested when he attacked me (for the first time in front of the kids) and they called the cops and he was arrested. I found out at that time he had been abusing my kids too, and also his youngest. I had to draw the line, so when I got out of the hospital I had everything switched to my name (most already was) and when he was released from jail he had 24 hours to leave. He took or destroyed everything, and still thinks I will come back.... Like I always had before, but before I didnt know about the kids. I HAVE to be a mom first... Even if it means I am alone, they have been through too much to have me bring that into their lives. I KNOW that in my head, and I am typing it with my hands, but can't seem to get my heart to be able to read it!!!


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

OK, you have done the right thing. You need to protect yourself and your children and that is what you are doing. This man is sick. He needs professional help.

I am concerned about his children. You said that he abuses the younger one. Is Social Services (or whatever it is where you live) aware of this? If not, you need to report him.

I think we all want to be held and loved. I'm grappling with that too. But with this man, is it worth the physical and emotional pain to both you and your children? You've already answered that. Stay strong. It will get better. I am finding everything overwhelming too.....the house, the finances, my son's problems..... I told my doctor today that intellectually I know women do this and are just fine, but emotionally I am scared, worried, insecure. We have to keep believing that it will get better. We have to find that inner strength that is in us whether we believe it or not. It may sound like broken record stuff, but I think what everyone here says is true. If we work on ourselves and strive to be the best we can be, it does help. The better we are, the more confident we are, the more strength we have to deal with all this.

Take care of yourself. Hugs (wish I could give you a real one).


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> When someone says they can't, it actually means they "won't".


I have sat on this for a couple days so that I did not give a kneejerk nasty response. I did everything in my power to keep my family in as stable a place as I could before, during, and after my marriage. All of the rules, the 180, the "sayings," the buzz words, do not fit with every situation. I have spent the last 5 years trying to fix everything I said and did, because obviously I was wrong to make this man so angry with me. I am walking a fine line with any communications with him and when I say "Can't" it MEANS can't. There are things I have to learn, things I need to accept that are far from easy, but that is NOT one of them. 
I am not blameless. I allowed it to go on way longer than I should. I unfortunately taught him it was ok to do what he did. I will have to live with that guilt as well as the hurt, loneliness, and horror of having 2 children taken and used as pawns. 
I have gone NC still in my first week, but it is an hourly struggle. I have never shown anger in any dealings with him, however, I cannot control the tears when driving away, or having them ask when I want them back and not able to tell them it is their POS dad that is keeping me from them. I have not talked on the phone to him for over a month, it is all text, but I won't even do that anymore. The boys will never forgive me.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm not talking about making him angry with you.

I'm talking about you getting angry with him.

Read it again.

Are you telling me you are not in control of your emotional response to him?


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> I am concerned about his children. You said that he abuses the younger one. Is Social Services (or whatever it is where you live) aware of this? If not, you need to report him.


Reports were all made after our final incident. I was in the hospital for 3 days and the children were in foster care (the first time ever for my kids, they were horrified) That is when I found out about the kids, when I was told by the caseworker. My kids didnt tell me, because they thought I was happy, just as I was keeping it secret because I thought they needed a father. He has a caseworker from CPS that does visits, and he has to take UAs (not been a problem, just protocol) had to move within 60 days, take classes, etc. I am hoping it will be the better for all of them. Of course it is all my fault, his fines, probation, etc I am used to the blame, I just have to get used to responsibility again. That is my problem. One of the benefits of staying in that type of a relationship. Never have to have responsibility because everything was controled. I need to learn to be an adult and take care of myself and my kids. There is no one to do it but me. I am on my own and I CAN do it.... I just need to learn to want to....


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

You asked me if I have stood up to him without anger or emotions. I said I cannot stand up to him in any fashion or else he will not allow me to see the boys. The divorce is the only way I can assert myself. Confrontation with him does not work, that is why I have stopped all contact, even with the boys. I have "controlled" my emotional responses with him or years... Or I have had him control them for me, with his fists.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do what you have to do.

Get law enforcement involved, and prosecute the pos to the full extent of the law.

But, please work on yourself also.

Don't have abusive relationships be your pattern forever.





OKwhatsnext? said:


> You asked me if I have stood up to him without anger or emotions. I said I cannot stand up to him in any fashion or else he will not allow me to see the boys. The divorce is the only way I can assert myself. Confrontation with him does not work, that is why I have stopped all contact, even with the boys. I have "controlled" my emotional responses with him or years... Or I have had him control them for me, with his fists.


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

No where in any of my posts have I ever said anything about anger. I am very controlled, and TOO accommodating. I have done the paperwork, paid, hand delivered, opened an account for him in his new city, paid his cell phone for 2 months, dropped anything and everything off to him that he has asked. I have shed tears, yes, I am pushing the divorce, I do not want him back, I have not led him on in anyway, I am lonely at times, and I miss his kids that I have raised as my own. I can see that posting here is probably a mistake as I am getting more riled up here that I ever was with him.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Actually, it will likely help you to work through it.

Are you doing individual counseling?




OKwhatsnext? said:


> No where in any of my posts have I ever said anything about anger. I am very controlled, and TOO accommodating. I have done the paperwork, paid, hand delivered, opened an account for him in his new city, paid his cell phone for 2 months, dropped anything and everything off to him that he has asked. I have shed tears, yes, I am pushing the divorce, I do not want him back, I have not led him on in anyway, I am lonely at times, and I miss his kids that I have raised as my own. I can see that posting here is probably a mistake as I am getting more riled up here that I ever was with him.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

OKwhatsnext? said:


> No where in any of my posts have I ever said anything about anger. I am very controlled, and TOO accommodating. I have done the paperwork, paid, hand delivered, opened an account for him in his new city, paid his cell phone for 2 months, dropped anything and everything off to him that he has asked. I have shed tears, yes, I am pushing the divorce, I do not want him back, I have not led him on in anyway, I am lonely at times, and I miss his kids that I have raised as my own. I can see that posting here is probably a mistake as I am getting more riled up here that I ever was with him.


OK, no-one here is blaming you for any of this. I'm sure, as an abused woman, you would have to have been very controlled in order to survive. Plese forgive us if we sound judgemental. That's not our intent at all. We are here to help each other. We have only just met you and are asking questions in order to be able to help you better.

It sounds like you have been extremely accommodating. Can you tell us why you have done so much for him (ie - paying his phone bill, opening an account for him)? Are you afraid that if you donT do these things he will come after you?


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

I hate the fact that now I am an abused woman. It is why at first I didnt want to hash the details. When people hear that they put you in a category.... A "pattern" abusee, which I am not, I was married for 10 years when my late husband, who was loving caring, and all together the perfect man passed away within a week of our adoption of our son being final. I was lost and feeling guilty about not having a father for my son that we fought so hard to get. My stbxh was my boss at the first job I got after he died. I didn't financially need to work, but for my sanity I did. That is how the relationship started, and I actually disliked him quite a bit, but he had 2 sons and when I quit my job (they were having layoffs and I couldnt see taking a job from one of my new found friends that needed it) I started watching his kids. He would stay and chat or eat after work, and I am a nurturer (was a foster parent in my previous marriage) My son especially took to him so when he told me it was time to get married (not even 1 date) in my mind I thought that is what I needed to do. He was the boss from the second we met. I did not even want him arrested this last time, I was such a mess, but because it happened in front of the kids I had no choice. I am blessed because of that law, he was in jail for a week while I was in the hospital and coming home to a happy home without him here, sealed the deal. I had him removed from everything I could, it was my house and vehicles etc. The reason I accommodated him was because it was still fresh, I felt guilty for pushing him to the point that he lost it in front of the kids, which he had never done, it was always in private, also if I did not do that, he would not let me see my boys. I am not too afraid of him now, he really burned his bridges here in this town and they came down on him really hard. He knows that if he breaks probation, or the restraining orders he will be in jail and he would lose his boys. I also feel guilty for marrying him without being in love with him, although can he really have loved me while doing those things? I also need to put that he cleared out my house while the Fire Chief, who was supervising his packing, got called away on a fire emergency. In 2 hours he took everything worth anything (including beds, computers, tvs etc) and destroyed everything else that wasn't (kids awards, pictures, my diplomas) and got out of town before they got back to my home. I didn't care, I was glad he was gone. Then I was just trying to keep him happy so that I could let the boys know I love them. I knew eventually it would end, but I needed them to know I didn't abandon them, I needed to slowly lose them, unlike when my late husband passed, I lost him, and all 5 of my foster kids in one swoop. It has been so hard to lose my family all over again, and the guilt at being the one to do it this time will always haunt me. I know I am a mess, but I am NOT a battered woman, I am not a bitter Ex, I am not a screaming harpy. I am a woman that made a bad choice, and stayed in it for the wrong reasons. I go from being strong and proud, to guilty and helpless. I have done everything I have been told to do legally and by counselors, but that doesn't help losing children. I don't really feel attacked on here, but some of the black and white responses really don't fit. I don't know that this "venting" is the best way for me to ""work through" what is going on, as it makes me feel like I am wrong yet again, or then gets me angry. I don't want to be angry, I just want to stop hurting.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

OKwhatsnext? said:


> I hate the fact that now I am an abused woman. It is why at first I didnt want to hash the details. When people hear that they put you in a category.... A "pattern" abusee, which I am not, I was married for 10 years when my late husband, who was loving caring, and all together the perfect man passed away within a week of our adoption of our son being final. I was lost and feeling guilty about not having a father for my son that we fought so hard to get. My stbxh was my boss at the first job I got after he died. I didn't financially need to work, but for my sanity I did. That is how the relationship started, and I actually disliked him quite a bit, but he had 2 sons and when I quit my job (they were having layoffs and I couldnt see taking a job from one of my new found friends that needed it) I started watching his kids. He would stay and chat or eat after work, and I am a nurturer (was a foster parent in my previous marriage) My son especially took to him so when he told me it was time to get married (not even 1 date) in my mind I thought that is what I needed to do. He was the boss from the second we met. I did not even want him arrested this last time, I was such a mess, but because it happened in front of the kids I had no choice. I am blessed because of that law, he was in jail for a week while I was in the hospital and coming home to a happy home without him here, sealed the deal. I had him removed from everything I could, it was my house and vehicles etc. The reason I accommodated him was because it was still fresh, I felt guilty for pushing him to the point that he lost it in front of the kids, which he had never done, it was always in private, also if I did not do that, he would not let me see my boys. I am not too afraid of him now, he really burned his bridges here in this town and they came down on him really hard. He knows that if he breaks probation, or the restraining orders he will be in jail and he would lose his boys. I also feel guilty for marrying him without being in love with him, although can he really have loved me while doing those things? I also need to put that he cleared out my house while the Fire Chief, who was supervising his packing, got called away on a fire emergency. In 2 hours he took everything worth anything (including beds, computers, tvs etc) and destroyed everything else that wasn't (kids awards, pictures, my diplomas) and got out of town before they got back to my home. I didn't care, I was glad he was gone. Then I was just trying to keep him happy so that I could let the boys know I love them. I knew eventually it would end, but I needed them to know I didn't abandon them, I needed to slowly lose them, unlike when my late husband passed, I lost him, and all 5 of my foster kids in one swoop. It has been so hard to lose my family all over again, and the guilt at being the one to do it this time will always haunt me. I know I am a mess, but I am NOT a battered woman, I am not a bitter Ex, I am not a screaming harpy. I am a woman that made a bad choice, and stayed in it for the wrong reasons. I go from being strong and proud, to guilty and helpless. I have done everything I have been told to do legally and by counselors, but that doesn't help losing children. I don't really feel attacked on here, but some of the black and white responses really don't fit. I don't know that this "venting" is the best way for me to ""work through" what is going on, as it makes me feel like I am wrong yet again, or then gets me angry. I don't want to be angry, I just want to stop hurting.


It sounds like you have done everything right, for you and for your children. You have had a really rough go of it for quite some time, even before you married your present husband. Yes, you made a mistake with him, but who of us hasn't made mistakes? What you have done is pull yourself out of a bad situation. And for that, you should be proud of yourself.

You are right, everyone's story is different and you are the best judge of what is right for you. Listen to the advice given here and take out of it what you believe you need.

I hope you no longer feel guilty for 'pushing' him to abuse you. The guilt is entirely his. Nor is it your fault that you are losing your family. Again, he bears the blame for that.

I'm sorry about your house and your things. Are you going to press charges?

I hope you can work something out so that you can remain part of the boys' lives. You haven't mentioned their bio mother. Is she in the picture?


----------



## OKwhatsnext? (Aug 13, 2012)

Unfortunately their Bio-mom is not in the picture.... I can only guess why, because I am sure he is feeding a line to whoever he is meeting now about me. I know they were married right out of high school, her first boyfriend, and 5 years later she fled. I got many other stories, but I am obviously questioning them now. That is why I am so adamant about letting the boys know I have not left them as well. I have not, nor will I press any more charges. He got quite the charges from May. It is not that I am a push over, or that I am feeling guilty (other than the obvious guilt for my portion of events) It is because I have the finances to replace and move on, and anything I take from him, or fines etc for him comes straight from the boys. He already had a record, now he has Domestic Abuse, and child endangerment (because it was in front of the kids) If I add anymore he will never be able to support them. I don't hate him. I don't want him miserable. I just don't want to be with him. He is not sad over me, he is mad he lost his meal ticket, and to be crass, a guaranteed lay. I am becoming a whole different person, one that my family and friends have been missing, that being said, I miss "a" friend... And the lay lol. 

I do have several areas of guilt. NO one deserves to be hit, but I knew how to not be hit, sometimes I didn't do it. I just had my knee replaced 3 weeks prior, so I was useless to him and he was overwhelmed. He texted and emailed many times that we are where we are right now because of your (meaning my) choices, and he is right. If I right now called, he would be home with the boys in 2 hours. It is my choice to destroy our family, but I know it is the right choice, just not a nice pleasant one.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

OKwhatsnext? said:


> Unfortunately their Bio-mom is not in the picture.... I can only guess why, because I am sure he is feeding a line to whoever he is meeting now about me. I know they were married right out of high school, her first boyfriend, and 5 years later she fled. I got many other stories, but I am obviously questioning them now. That is why I am so adamant about letting the boys know I have not left them as well. I have not, nor will I press any more charges. He got quite the charges from May. It is not that I am a push over, or that I am feeling guilty (other than the obvious guilt for my portion of events) It is because I have the finances to replace and move on, and anything I take from him, or fines etc for him comes straight from the boys. He already had a record, now he has Domestic Abuse, and child endangerment (because it was in front of the kids) If I add anymore he will never be able to support them. I don't hate him. I don't want him miserable. I just don't want to be with him. He is not sad over me, he is mad he lost his meal ticket, and to be crass, a guaranteed lay. I am becoming a whole different person, one that my family and friends have been missing, that being said, I miss "a" friend... And the lay lol.
> 
> I do have several areas of guilt. NO one deserves to be hit, but I knew how to not be hit, sometimes I didn't do it. I just had my knee replaced 3 weeks prior, so I was useless to him and he was overwhelmed. He texted and emailed many times that we are where we are right now because of your (meaning my) choices, and he is right. If I right now called, he would be home with the boys in 2 hours. It is my choice to destroy our family, but I know it is the right choice, just not a nice pleasant one.


You have to wonder what would make a mother(his first wife) abandon her children. I totally understand why you don't want them to feel that you have done the same thing. Poor little Munchkins.

I wish I could take away the guilt you feel. Because you knew how not to be hit, doesn't make you guilty for him hitting you. Its not your fault you had to have your knee replaced. And a lot of people are overwhelmed, but they don't hit their spouses. don't fall for his attempts to pin any of this on you. Your marriage is where it is because of choices he made, not you. He chose to hit you. You did not destroy the family. He did that when he raised his fist. You did what needed to be done to protect yourself and your children. You have my deepest respect.


----------

