# Preparing for Divorce



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm the STXW.
I will be moving out March 1, 2013. 
Joint ownership on the house, and I will be taking a settlement, the exact amount should be known in another month or so. It won't be what I'm due, but I"ll take it. I have an inkling of where he is borrowing it. Good grief I"m glad I"m leaving. 

There's been ZERO contact besides bills between us the past month, even though we still live together in the same house.
He works opposite shifts, so it's quite easy to do really.

I did clarify that I didn't want a "separation", I want a divorce. Verbally, he has agreed to a divorce, agrees there is no working anything out, and nothing to discuss. I did ask him if he was SURE this is what he wanted. Yes. Absolutely.

However, he's quite "hostile" in his attitude, bitter, angry, and generally NOT a nice person to be around, even for a few minutes. It's like dodging the garbage truck. He's drinking a lot. 



Those who know me... well, I am doing okay. I have bad days. The process of grieving, the fear of starting all over, but those are few. Mostly, I visualize that I am free, am happy that I have my whole life to look forward to. I've signed up for dance lessons in January! I'm going to the gym regularly. I've made a few new friends (female) through work. I"ve cleaned out my closets, working on the rest of the house. I'm writing in a journal as often as I can. 

I will say that when he is grouchy... I silently send him a thought of compassion, and wish him peace. I try my best to stay out of his way, as he does seem so ANGRY all the time. (I kinda thought he would be more settled, peaceful about this, since he finally agreed for SURE this is what he wants).

I don't post here often, but I find myself reading some posts somedays. It helps me to focus on the future.
Just wanted to say... sometimes it is just what I need. 
Tips on staying positive, and focused on the future, not the past. 


I'm trying my best. 3 more months! My goal is to be prove I can be civil and kind. That I can control. The rest of my life just continues to go very well. I'm grateful for that. 
Peace.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's not what he wants.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

deejov, wishing you the very best!, so scary starting over, also filled with great possibilities, excitement, new adventures, the sky's the limit...only you know how high you can soar..............


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Conrad said:


> It's not what he wants.


Maybe, but it is not my problem to fix. 
I am much happier, believing in moving forward, and making plans for the future. 

He is trying to get me to talk to him, make plans together. Finding all kinds of reasons to call me. I think he's lonely.

It used to really bother me. The hot \ cold mean \ nice. Now... I dunno. I just be ME. He's definately not someone I would have a relationship with, if we just met. That about says it all.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> deejov, wishing you the very best!, so scary starting over, also filled with great possibilities, excitement, new adventures, the sky's the limit...only you know how high you can soar..............


Yes Yes Yes that is how I feel these days!!! 

I can't WAIT for the adventure to begin, yet I'm worried about taking the first step. LOL


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

deejov said:


> Maybe, but it is not my problem to fix.
> I am much happier, believing in moving forward, and making plans for the future.
> 
> He is trying to get me to talk to him, make plans together. Finding all kinds of reasons to call me. I think he's lonely.
> ...


It's been mystifying to you that the relationship - as it has been - was working fine for him.

Yet, he's been very consistent in showing you just that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

That's okay. What works for him does not work for me. That's life. 
There is someone for everyone, after all !!

My turn


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

deejov said:


> That's okay. What works for him does not work for me. That's life.
> There is someone for everyone, after all !!
> 
> My turn


Just an observation about why he would be cranky regarding changes.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yeah, he's cranky. HIS actions do not align with his words.
Mine finally do 

Today, I am not even worried about what the future will be. I can picture myself happily living alone, pursuing new hobbies, meeting new people. Feeling happy.

I can also picture myself being happy right where I am, today. 
I dunno if this is just me kicking up the self awareness another notch, but I no longer align my happiness with my current circumtances. That might sound weird, I know.

A few times he has left for 2 days at a time, refuses to say where he is going or when he will be back. I'm left to look after the dogs and I KNOW he wants me to worry \ think.
Instead... I'm grateful to have the house to myself.

He has stalled \ refused to do enough about the separation paperwork to end this. It was infuriating me.
Now... I'm thinking this is better. I get to write it up just the way I want it, and it gives me CONTROL of the whole situation. Thanks!!

I am also kinda really enjoying not cooking meals, grocery shopping, or maintaining some weird schedule to make sure he is included. It's quite freeing!!

I do firmly believe that if HE wants anything to be any different, HE will speak up and do something about it. In the meantime... I'm certainly not sitting around. I cant' believe how MUCH i enjoy being alone! It's awesome!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Deejov 
My thoughts are with you. You can do this. 

Maybe you are finding happiness without your husband.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Trickster said:


> Deejov
> My thoughts are with you. You can do this.
> 
> Maybe you are finding happiness without your husband.


I wasn't happy WITH him, and I am going back to myself again, but it's a tough day today, tomorrow won't be much better.

On the good side... I have never seen the ocean on the west coast from Cda. (meaning I've never been to Vancouver).
Yesterday I got a surprise invite to go with a cousin on boxing day.!!! Her boyfriend is no longer going... her and I get along really well, it's going to be an epic adventure!

I'm going to spend New Years Eve in Victoria, green grass and sunshine instead of Alberta winter. 

I'ts something I have wanted to do for a long time, and stxh always just "talked" about it. Sure, sounds good. Never followed through on it.
I'm sooo excited!!! Here I was being "sad" about spending xmas alone (except for a day with my son) and my dream trip falls into my lap!! 

Can't see the good in things when your head is buried in sadness about what "could" have been.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey Deejov,

How was Boxing Day?

Please say you are having the time of your life this New Years.

Especially on New Years Eve!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I stayed for longer than I planned. Rocking good time, BEST vacation I have ever had!

My cousin's family is VERY self aware, hippie gypsies. It was exactly what I needed, I was surrounded by people who support ME being ME and it was very uplifting.

I cried when I was at the ocean. It moves me, deeply. I made new friends, and I'm planning my next trip already.

I came home to very cold weather and tonnes of snow. But I'm still very very happy.

Just have to get my stuff moved....


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I think I have found a place to move to!! Might even leave early, before March 1. Should find out later this week. Getting approved is a no-brainer, I have good credit and references. And I can take my cat!

I did go get yet another legal "opinion" on Thursday. 
And I don't know where he's getting his information... but there is definately a control thing going on with him.
We don't talk or spend anytime together, unless it just happens we are both at home for some reason. 

From my side, this is what it looks like...
-he moves "my" things around all the time
-he's extremely nervous with me in the same room
-reminds me every time he sees me... "half the stuff is his, and I can't take anything out of the house". I'm getting tired of saying "that's okay. put it in writing. Tell me which half you want".
All he hears is... I am telling him what to do, so he refuses to do it. 
Which forced a tough "I'm frustrated, all this talk and no action". And he responded with a litanny of how none of this is his fault, I was somehow to blame, or he didn't have time, or any other excuse he could think of. 

Strangely, I see completely through all of it. I feel like I am 10 steps ahead of him. I am trying to be aware of the fact that he is not "as" emotionally detached yet. He is manipulating, trying to scare me, possibly trying to get power over the situation. 
I'm just not interested in playing. It's all business. 

he's panicked about the utilities he now has to pay. Bill came in the mail Monday. Everyday he asks.. "have you paid your half yet"?. Um. When are they due? "I don't know!". Really. Showed him the bill. Feb. 2. Nothing but emotional responses. "don't talk to me like I'm a 2 yr old.". Maybe it's true. Maybe I did. 

The newest "threat" is that we are going to separate, I am going to move out, and we will never talk again. He is never going to file for divorce.

To which I laughed... I couldn't help it. I don't need his permission to file for divorce. He says I can't do that. Lovely advice he is getting, or not getting. I suspect he has not even talked to a lawyer, based on the things he is saying.

While I was gone, he was supposed to draw up a separation agreement and detail everything he "wanted" since he has so many things to say about it. 

He went online and printed off a blank form. Nothing is filled in. Not a darn thing. 

So I begin the process myself, just like I knew I would have to. 
I can hand over 3,000 dollars to the lawyer, or I can spend the time to do it myself. It will cost me about 1,000 to file for divorce myself. That's what I've started doing. Lots of paperwork to collect! 

The two options remain.. he can respond and try to settle the division of assets with something we both agree to... or it will sit for a < year and a judge will divide it up. 
No matter. He can't avoid it. 

Should be done by the end of this month!!
I won't send the process server until after I move out.

Life seems much simpler. Plans are in place.

The BEST thing I can talk about it... I have little desire to discuss, think, or action drama, manipulation, or anything of that sort. I'm too keyed into a sense of peace, where I fit in the world, and knowing why I am here. 
I have no desire to know what he's doing, what he's thinking, or planning. It's just... gone. I would be content with no contact for the rest of my life. 
But it's no longer about bitterness. It's just seeing who he is, and not being interested in getting involved in it. 
I read something.... about not liking MYSELF if I allow someone to take away my peace and happiness. 
That's what the fixing, controlling was really about. For me. 
Until I realised that, I couldn't really fully let go. 
Once I did let go... it just seems ridiculous that I would come down from 50K and get mixed up in the nonsense.
Why? I have a beautiful world up here. Beautiful loving people, who know what life is about. There is nothing down there for me. Just self imposed misery.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

deejov said:


> I think I have found a place to move to!! Might even leave early, before March 1. Should find out later this week. Getting approved is a no-brainer, I have good credit and references. And I can take my cat!
> 
> I did go get yet another legal "opinion" on Thursday.
> And I don't know where he's getting his information... but there is definately a control thing going on with him.
> ...


Sounds like you've _Learned to Be Still._


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Still ...
living on
moving forward
growing
learning

I had a dream about my ex. He was giving me the half drunk litany of hurtful words. I started to cringe, and then I just stood still and let it wash over me. Like being yelled at when you are a kid and being told you are stupid. That kind of hurt. Makes you feel small, worthless. Unloved. Unwanted.

A bright light washed it all away. 

I woke up and realized I was OKAY. I wasn't hurt after all. It was just words. It was OKAY to think about it. It didn't change me.

I can stand still and let it "hit" me. I can take it.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Bleh. Just a war story vent.
Communicating with some people is difficult. 

I get a note left for me...
"Call this paralegal lady and check out the rates and if I need to come see her book something for my next set of days off".

I replied..
Rates for what?? Need more information. 
Just call her on Monday.
I have no idea what you need or what you want?

A looong way around... the rate is $595 and I should call her to find out what documents she needs to start the process of drafting separation and divorce all in the same ??

Still have no freaking idea what he is talking about, but then again, it's on purpose. 
Lies, manipulation, everything has a "scheme" going on behind it.
I can almost SMELL it.

Calm. Observe. 
Except.. this makes me smile \ smirk. And he certainly doesn't like that. 

Rant done. Another war story. I go back to my inner peace where the crazy people don't live.

But gee life would be so much more less... crappy... if people would communicate what they want. 
I'd be bored then, wouldn't I?
Happy weekend!!!! Whoo hoo!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

deejov said:


> Bleh. Just a war story vent.
> Communicating with some people is difficult.
> 
> I get a note left for me...
> ...


But, if they communicate what they want, you might say no.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I 5read what you are wrote, Conrad, and makes me think of how much energy I used to spend fighting the universe and everyone in it. Whatever. Bring it on. I can handle it. With a smile, too!

Funny how ALL of our conversations the past two weeks have ended with him stating that I make him feel stupid. Including today.
I could choose to feel bad about that. But I don't. It's true for him. 
Doesn't translate into me feeling BAD. It used to. 
I'm learning!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If he is so unhappy at the prospect of divorce, why doesn't he offer you nice things to eat and drink. Smiles.

The sullen drinking... does he have any idea how he appears?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Longwalk, 
It's smoke and mirrors time. He even verbally calls it a "poker game". 
I don't know whether he even really wants to get a divorce, and it really no longer matters. It's not open for discussion. 


Every single thing I say translates, for him, to how "nice" I am being to him, whether or not I talk in a soft tone of voice, and whether or not I agree with what he is saying (and obey!).

I can say this, because he points it out every time we try and discuss things. Wants me to know that my "attitude" towards him is not making him feel warm and fuzzy.

So the conversations end with him saying in one form or another "I don't like how you are talking to me and I think we should split up".

Duh. We are getting divorced. 

Feel free to point out something I can do to end the crazy. Ugh.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Unkind thoughts of how he looks when he is drinking.

Similar to a person who is mentally disabled. I know that's mean... but add in the speech you cannot fully understand, and an open gaping mouth, unfocused eyes. 

Not nice. And certainly not attractive. 
Yeah, now that I think about it, he knows how he looks. Which is why he always thinks I make him feel "stupid" when I talk to him.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Ha!
So I am currently reading BIFF
And tone of voice is a trigger for high conflict people.
Still learning!!
Interesting book. I remember that long passive aggressive thread... could have saved me some misery if I had read this back then.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Biff?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds like he is losing it. 

Must be great to be graduating from this stage of life.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

deejov said:


> Which is why he always thinks I make him feel "stupid" when I talk to him.


My goodness, this what STBXW always said when she would tell me something and then I would reply with my thoughts or opinion.

She made it an issue in MC. I was "taught" by our counselor that she needs to vent and is not looking for me to fix or solve her problems. Sounded reasonable. I employed tactics I "learned" and the behavior just increased. She would just dump all her aggravation problems on me and I was supposed to say nothing.

So later I asked our MC if he thought it was ok that she was allowed to express all of her feelings, problems, and opinions, and I was not to offer her back my viewpoint; not rescue her, but if she said something that concerned both of us, I believed I had the right to say my feelings and opinions. The MC agreed with me.

How did STBXW react? She said when I spoke to her I made her feel stupid.

Is this what happened to you too Deejov? I wonder if it's like what Conrad wrote: if our spouses really communicated what they wanted they might not like hearing no.

What is BIFF? I'm reading everything trying to learn so I don't waste another quarter of my life on a turd burger. Thanks.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

The book is called BIFF - Quick Responses to high conflict people.

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly

Has some practical examples on how to respond to personal attacks, misdirects, emotions instead of answers.

It also goes into explaining "high conflict people", blameshifting, and tips on how not to trigger blameshifting. Similar to Conrads' 50,000 feet and "I'm not okay with that" but has examples for work, friends, neighbors, too. 

It's hard to NOT react to this stuff, and I thought I was doing well with it. 
But the truth is, we haven't talked hardly at all in two months so I feel "rusty" at it. LOL


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> Sounds like he is losing it.
> 
> Must be great to be graduating from this stage of life.


 Yes, life is moving forward and I was just venting. There is no fixing what is going on, just trying to manage the damage on my end and not get sucked into it all


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

In late November, he asked me for a list of assets and liabilities. Said he needed it to give to his lawyer, and once that was done, he would go ahead with getting "papers" drawn up.

What kind of papers? Well, he didn't know. He was still deciding between just doing up a sep. agreement or attempting to do an uncontested divorce.

He showed me his "list" of assets and liabilities. Bascially a printout from the bank. His Jeep and that loan are not listed, because they are not from his bank. I questioned it. He accused me of calling him stupid. Said that's what his lawyer said to do. Okay.....


I went to my bank. Got the same thing. Dude laughed out loud. Said this was a waste of time, this doesn't mean anything. Notice of Disclosure is what is needed. Yup. I know.

I gave him my "list" from the bank. From Nov. 29 until now... he did... nothing.

I left him time to think about it. In the meantime... I asked him to write up a list of house "stuff" he wanted to keep, and the lawyer is NOT going to do that. He hasn't done that. Said I was calling him stupid, and I know everything, and don't tell him what to do. Okay.

Fast forward to last week. I setup a meeting with him. "I don't understand what we need to meet about". Really?

I gave him a blank copy of a Notice to Disclose. Has he filled one of these out? He has not even contacted anyone.

Asked him where things were at? Asked him why the "jeep" was missing from his list? He did kinda apologize. Said he got his information wrong and got the wrong documents. 

So now we start all over. NOW... I have a request to call a paralegal and she will tell me what documents I need to provide so that they can begin working on paperwork. Whatever. 

I still don't know what the paperwork is, he won't tell me what he wants out of the uncontested settlement for a number. He wants to "surprise me" with a written offer. Cool!

And he's just playing games and stalling and wasting time.

Right down to the fact that he knows I am moving out Feb. 15 and he keeps telling me I can't take anything because half of it is his... yet he won't tell me which half he wants. Maybe he's getting to that. Maybe. No matter. I'm quite capable of documenting what I take. Already have that all kinda figured out.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Deejov ... you have come a long way. Don't stop moving forward.

Good luck!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Pictureless said:


> My goodness, this what STBXW always said when she would tell me something and then I would reply with my thoughts or opinion.
> 
> She made it an issue in MC. I was "taught" by our counselor that she needs to vent and is not looking for me to fix or solve her problems. Sounded reasonable. I employed tactics I "learned" and the behavior just increased. She would just dump all her aggravation problems on me and I was supposed to say nothing.
> 
> ...


 Possibly they don't want to hear no. Possibly pure lack of self awareness, and not willing to share what they really feel, desire, want.
Because they don't know. They don't have an inner guide, integrity, sense of guidance. Their minds and emotions run their lives. They live by the "judge". 

They do what they think will make people like them, want them. According to what is right and wrong, of course. It's all a game. If you don't know who you are, of course you don't look to yourself for solutions. All you can see is that YOU are not in control of the rest of the world, and it isn't going accordingly to the plan the "judge" has in mind.

I can say this because I used to be this way.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

deejov said:


> Ha!
> So I am currently reading BIFF
> And tone of voice is a trigger for high conflict people.
> Still learning!!
> Interesting book. I remember that long passive aggressive thread... could have saved me some misery if I had read this back then.


I've read it too. Very good actually. It's about high conflict personalities and the distorted lens of how they think and see things. 
BIFF is: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. Keep your response brief, informative (no emotional jabs, discussion, defense, etc) friendly (if possible) and firm (end the discussion).

I read this because by X is very high conflict and everything I do or say is a personal attack which triggers her intense defense mechanisms and she starts going all out crazy. 

The book actually answered a lot of questions about what i was dealing with. I highly recommend it.

/threadjack over. deejov!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

deejov said:


> Possibly they don't want to hear no. Possibly pure lack of self awareness, and not willing to share what they really feel, desire, want.
> Because they don't know. They don't have an inner guide, integrity, sense of guidance. Their minds and emotions run their lives. They live by the "judge".
> 
> They do what they think will make people like them, want them. According to what is right and wrong, of course. It's all a game. If you don't know who you are, of course you don't look to yourself for solutions. All you can see is that YOU are not in control of the rest of the world, and it isn't going accordingly to the plan the "judge" has in mind.
> ...


In their mind who is the judge?

If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything.

Maybe in their weaker mind hearing a differing opinion sounds like judgment or rejection to them. To combat that feeling, they say, "don't talk to me like that, it makes me feel stupid." Of course whatever was said to them was not a condemnation of them as a person, merely a rebuttal or opinion. But the weaker one thinks any opposing thought will lead to abandonment. Is this an avoidance strategy?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Picture,

If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything.
That is VERY true. 
Integrity. What are my own personal values? 

Who is the judge? The ego mind. That constant voice in your head telling you whether or not you are "enough". Comparing you to the rest of society. Fear. That is the ego mind. Being alone, poor, fat, ugly. Fear that people will not accept you or like you.

There is no other person just like me on this planet. I'm not here to be "better than" someone else. I'm here to be the best ME that I can be. 

I have a deeply rooted sense that I am good enough, as there is only ONE of me after all. There is no fear that someone will abandon me or I will be alone. Not anymore. I don't NEED external gratification or proof that I am loveable. So I don't have to play the games and try to manipulate the world and hide who I am in fear of not being "liked". I can just be myself. 

My "judge" is the phrase 
Is it true?
If someone accuses me of not being kind, I ask myself that question. 
If it is true, I am grateful for the feedback and I can adjust MY actions accordingly.
If it isn't true... then what they say does not change how I feel about myself. I am still good enough. And I am not responsible for how someone else feels what I say, instead of hearing the words. (Meaning I am not responsible for their insecurities or past hurts clouding their view).

I can help them to see past the past hurts.. but ultimately I am only responsible for when it's "true".


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Deejov-

I can tell that you have been reading alot. So many people depend on others for our happiness. I've done the same for so long.Then I blame them for my unhappiness. All that has changed...I think...

I believe you that you realize that you don't look for happiness with your STBXH. At the same time, we do need others for validation that we are right. That's why we come here to TAM. It is always a game for many people. We put our best "self" out there and hope that people won't judge us too harshly.

Sometimes the best self is hard work to maintain and the illusion wears off. Sometimes our ego is our enemy. We are our own judge more than anybody else. " we are our own worst enemy"

Stay strong deejov


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks, Trickster.

IC used to say it's good to have a "safe" place to vent. (not another ego!). I know that here... a 2x4 will be issued if needed.

There are some awesome people who are willing to do that. 

the best self seems so very easy to me! There is no drama, no trying to keep up with what is required next, or wondering what to do next (what action would get the "most" approval). It's just simple. It's not an illusion to me? It's the reality. 

Hope things are going okay for you, Trickster.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Glad you found your happy place.can't remember what animated movie that came from.

I've been introverted for so long and for the first time in my life, with my new interest, hiking groups and all that I an doing, I am finding a new me and I don't know who I will become. It's all good though. I am definitely not the same man I was a year ago. My new friends don't see as confident and strong.

I am finding my happy place as well..FINDING NEMO... That's where it came from...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

NEMO is swimming on my side of the ocean these days.

"Just the facts, ma'am"
We attempted to sit down with a paralegal and type up the separation agreement, which is to be attached to the uncontested divorce application.

He had all of his financial papers in a lovely folder for her. She didn't want the copies. She couldn't make sense of his "papers".
-I gave her a spreadsheet, and the backup attached. She liked it very much.

He LIED about the quad and a truck that he sold. 
I decided NOT to point it out. She asked if the facts were accurate, and when she looked at me, she seemed to read my thoughts. Somehow she suddenly asked "what other vehicles did you have?" and she wasn't too impressed that he had not disclosed that stuff.

His main threat to me has been an employment payout I got in late 2009. For a job that I worked at years before we were together. He wanted half of it. Do the math... he was only entitled to 15% less taxes so I think he finally understands once and for all that he isn't "entitled" to my money.

After all of that was said and done... she was trying to explain to him that he would have 30 days to pay me out if he wanted to keep the house. And then I would have 30 days to move out after that. 
I thought he was going to puke.
He doesn't have the money. And he says he doesn't have a lawyer either. Needs time to do that. 
So it was all bluffing, lying, showboating.

So, his homework is to get the house appraised, and come back in 30 days with a response. Meaning either the house is up for sale, he has money for me, or we are filing contested and a judge will divide the assets. 

I made it clear I am moving out shortly anyways. All I have to do is give HER a list of what I take. No values required. 

By the time it gets filed contested, and a judge divides it up, it may be in arrears for mortgage payments. Part of the agreement is that when I move out, he assumes all expenses. But he can do whatever he wants. I'm not gonna worry about it.


It's progress.
I did find a cheap place to rent! It needs painting inside, and so we negotiated. I can do that!!. 4 bedrooms all to myself! I get the keys on Monday and I can start painting before I move stuff in. It's close to work, closer to my son, and all MINE. Life is good!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Got my keys been busy painting and decorating! There is sooo much more room !! 
Looks like it will be contested. Paralegal doesn't get the fee for doing uncontested if we dont' agree to it, so she "advised" him to actually go see a lawyer, come back with an offer, and try again.

She is astounded that I am moving out. Thinks I am giving up my power to make him miserable so he will pay more.

Even SHE doesn't understand what I am about these days.
She keeps telling me there is "fair" and there is "legal" and as long as both people feel they got a fair deal, they can agree on a settlement. 
I have zero interest in playing those games. None. He calls it "poker". I simply folded and walked away.

Another war story.
House has an alarm system. Low battery in a sensor somewhere, so it was beeping every once in awhile.
Within 4 minutes, he called both my phones and left vm, texted, and sent me an email demanding I call the alarm company and disconnect it.

When I called them, he was also on the phone with them, and he couldn't remember the safe word to identify himself. I asked them to disconnect it, I was moving out. And I pay for it. Company was wondering wtf was going on, I guess he was kinda rude to them. 

When I got home, the main box was ripped off the wall, and the wires were cut. Now he is getting emails that the system is not responding, and he keeps forwarding them to me. 

As a control freak thingy.. he wanted it and his email is on the list for notifications. But he can't remember the password online to remove his email. And I can't do that for him. 

So I'm not going to tell him the actual day I am moving out. I'm worried he is going to implode. Better safe than sorry.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He's really thrashing about.

You're calling his bluff.

He's looking - desperately - for that favorite soda machine button.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds like he has zero insight into himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Lack of insight has been the main problem for a very long time.
I didn't have much self awareness myself a few years ago... now I am dwelling in peace and pretty much anticipate what he is going to do, very easily see through most of the stuff he does. 

I'm at the point right now where I don't even really care if I EVER get the money I am owed of the house. Whatever. It's just money. I got my freedom coming to me, the legal stuff has to be taken care of eventually. Or maybe not. Who knows. 

The soda machine is out of order !!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

deejov said:


> Lack of insight has been the main problem for a very long time.
> I didn't have much self awareness myself a few years ago... now I am dwelling in peace and pretty much anticipate what he is going to do, very easily see through most of the stuff he does.
> 
> I'm at the point right now where I don't even really care if I EVER get the money I am owed of the house. Whatever. It's just money. I got my freedom coming to me, the legal stuff has to be taken care of eventually. Or maybe not. Who knows.
> ...


Once you see through yourself, you can see through others.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Well, I moved out yesterday. He made a point to "stop by" the house during work yesterday morning, he has been doing that a lot. He saw I had stuffed packed up, he simply turned around and walked out.

He texted me about 10 pm last night, "I see you have moved out".
Duh. Someone helped him type that one. I've been getting texts off and on since, just not responding. I took what was on the list that I gave the lawyer. 

Have nothing else to say. I'm a tad bit concerned, and being careful. As much as I should have slept like a baby... I didn't. 
For the first time in my life, I can do whatever I want. Put things where I want. Cook what I want. Don't have to be quiet. Not waiting or listening for anyone. It will take time to sink in.
Peace.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Thanks for sharing your story Deejov. I am heading down that road with a completely different personality type, he is conflict avoidant, so never talks about anything, all we talk about are logistics for the family etc. Even after almost a year of counselling, (oh but he stopped his personal counselling in early Dec... guess he's got it all figured out already). MC is going nowhere because he has no emotions. The MC told us we are wasting our time coming since nothing changes for us and he doesn't do anything she asks him to do.

:scratchhead:

I've been lying to myself thinking maybe I could live like this... because he's not going to change, thinking maybe I'm selfish maybe I just need to suck it up, but when I do, I just feel like a bag of dirt. I dream of living alone, having my own space, not having to tell him how to think or what need to be done for the kids, or what is important, or take initiative for absolutely everything. 

So I decided to make my way over to this forum instead of staying in the "thinking about separation" forum. Pretty sure I'm decided. It seems like the only thing I can do at this point. 

So all that to say that your post and all the replies have been helpful to read as you are ahead of me.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Keenwa,
My x has to be drunk to talk to me! Conflict avoidance at all costs. There were 5 requests (2 from lawyer) for him to provide a list of household items he wanted to keep as he insisted that half of it was his, but he did.... nothing.

In the end, I made a list of what I took, and a list of what was left behind.

Looking beyond that.... he can tell everyone I left him and took all his stuff. The victim doesn't participate.

It's not about living alone, for me. It's about doing what I NEED to do, versus what I WANT to do.

I certainly didn't want to be separated, getting divorced, and living alone. 
But it is what I need to do. It's not a bad thing, it's the right thing.

Lying and the truth. Accepting the truth and being KIND in how you dish it out. That's all we can do in life.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Today has been the day I"ve contacted people and let them know I have left. Some family, some friends. Most know that we were planning to divorce, not one person has been negative towards it, or at least not to my "face" anyways.

I also had to have a talk with my son about looking out for x's vehicle and strange people lurking about. Really pissed about that, but again it "needed" to be done. He has never gotten along with my son that well, and has made a few drunken comments about damaging his house. Sigh.

Health wise... I'm house bound today. My insulin won't hold... doesn't happen very often, takes a major upset to knock it, but I'm stuck here eating instead of getting out and about. It will be better tomorrow. I did not expect it to be this bad.. but constant low blood sugars for no real reason is proof that my body is rejecting what is going on. Pasta anyone???


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I did finally get to see the dogs the other day!
He has both of them. It wasn't a matter of punishing ME to not let me see them, they are the ones that need to adjust. 
A lot of emails back and forth... yes, no, not until legal things are sorted out so I don't steal them. 
In the end, he came up with "I am welcome to come hang out with him AND the dogs anytime". 
He won't even let me take them to the park.
My "visit" consisted of him sitting in the same room the whole room watching a movie. 
I am "invited" to come with him to take them to the park.
He thinks we should spend some together and when we are talking regularily and getting along, he may get around to the legal stuff.
Manipulation all the way.

I shrugged it off. Last night I got an update from the paralegal -- the "revised" separation agreement. 
There isn't a single word in it about the dogs!!
I don't know why she sent it, other than he told her to.

He told me he was filing for contested, and I've yet to be served or anything. 

Just more games.

So if I want to see the dogs... I have to do things like call him to say hello, be nice, and act like we are friends. All on the premise that he is "going" to put visitation in legal terms.

Yeah. Right.

I am playing along. I have very little emotional attachment.
I get it. He's not ready. That's okay. I respect that.
From a distance. I feel okay with being able to predict what he is doing, and see it as manipulation. In the meantime, I will get the legal write up myself that he says he needs. Will take maybe 3 days.

Other side of life.. my son got a promotion and will no longer have to work nights. Can't express what a relief that is to me, much less worrying about him. Although now that I live so much closer to him it's really nice to know I can pop over there if he needs anything.

Happy Friday everyone!!! Things keep getting better, some days it's just waiting for the better day to come along LOL


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