# Marriage or kids come first?



## OneLuckyMommy

Question for all! In my religion (Christian/Pentecostal Holiness) we were always told that God comes before all and anything, then marriage then your children. Without God we wouldn't be here, without marriage our child(ren) wouldn't be here, etc. With the blended family now days, how does this work?


----------



## Loloberry

Are you asking who is the priority?


----------



## SunnyT

Parents/spouses come first.... I think because you have to provide a united front...especially in front of step-children. So the grown-ups HAVE to be a team.


----------



## curlysue321

Kids needs come first (food/shelter), then the adult relationship comes first because without a good relationship there is no foundation for the kids. The goal of raising kids is to make them independent and to live their own lives. Husbands and wives will still be there taking care of eachother until the bitter end.


----------



## KathyBatesel

I don't think it's as simple as that. Overall, I can agree with the concept of God>Marriage>children.

However, there are exceptions that cannot be ignored. There is never a good reason to prioritize in a way that causes lasting harm to any of these things. If your child is being abused, then the child's needs come first. If the marriage violates your spiritual beliefs and values, then you cannot justify staying in it.


----------



## Pandakiss

spouse comes first, then the kids. we were here before the kids, and we will be standing after they move out. i mean when they are babies, sure the world revolves around them, but as they get older, they have school, and they have to grow up and learn who they must become.

my children are 17 & 9. they dont need to be first any more. they have their schooling, friends, chores, they have a church group...they have a life, and it does not revolve around me any more.

when they need me, they know where to find me.


----------



## Shoto1984

Our modern world seem to encourage what I call "child worship" more and more. I see so many families where the kids basically run the family by manipulation. The parents never learned or developed good parenting skill (like of character and self control of themselves)...ended up practicing random reinforcement of negative behavior and now they have total dis-function. Sorry....I rant. 

Generally, the marriage is first as without a good marriage everything else is in peril.


----------



## tacoma

I leave god out of it.

The marriage comes first because without it all else fails
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wiltshireman

tacoma said:


> I leave god out of it.
> 
> The marriage comes first because without it all else fails
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In your opinion maybe.

For me it was the mutual love of god that bought my wife and I together and it is in part that love that provides us both with the strength we need each day.

Now back to the OP.

IMHO in modern "blended families" the quality of the relationship between those in the "mum & dad" roles is even more important than in a traditional family. Those people who have already suffered through the breakdown of one or more previous families need the stable environment that a strong relationship can provide.
So yes put your partner above your children.


----------



## Tigger

Yes, put the spouse first unless they are abusive. Some people coddle an abusive spouse turning a blind eye to child abuse.


----------



## d4life

In many years of marriage, I can honestly say that my order of importance has changed from time to time. As in all marriages we have had our good times and bad, and I can tell you that it works best for us when we put God first, spouse second and then the children. We have less problems this way and we are able to handle issues better. The kids also see a positive example of a happy marriage and how we come together to work through things.


----------



## tacoma

Wiltshireman said:


> In your opinion maybe.


Newsbreak!!

All of the content of these boards is someone's opinion.



> Now back to the OP.


We never left it.


----------



## StargateFan

Just make sure it is not 

Church collection plate > marriage > children.

Many do interpret it that way.


----------



## kittykatz

tacoma said:


> Newsbreak!!
> 
> All of the content of these boards is someone's opinion.


Well aren't you just a ball of sunshine? 

You know, It seems like you have a lot of rude/smartass things to say to people. Maybe you should learn to keep some of them to yourself, because I can assure you, most of us dont appreciate it. Thanks.


----------



## tacoma

kittykatz said:


> Well aren't you just a ball of sunshine?
> 
> You know, It seems like you have a lot of rude/smartass things to say to people. Maybe you should learn to keep some of them to yourself, because I can assure you, most of us dont appreciate it. Thanks.


Really?

That surprises me considering the level of "likes" my posts get.

I prefer to think you're just projecting.
That must be it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## northernlights

The idea of marriage before children grates on me. I've never put my marriage before my children or my children before my marriage. What's good for one is generally good for the other. I would never do anything that was bad for my children because it was good for my marriage, or vice versa, because that would be impossible. If it's bad for my kids, it _can't_ be good for my marriage. And if it's bad for my marriage, then it's bad for my kids.

My marriage is the solid foundation upon which my children rest, yes. But they're different things, and they need a different kind of attention. I see no benefit to prioritizing one over the other.


----------



## tacoma

northernlights said:


> My marriage is the solid foundation upon which my children rest, yes. But they're different things, and they need a different kind of attention. I see no benefit to prioritizing one over the other.


There is when it's necessary.

You just haven't been in a situation where that type of call had to be made.

I prioritized my marriage over my step kids years ago because it was the only way my marriage would survive.

My two stepsons have had little to no guidance from me since the very beginning of our family and they suffer greatly because of it.

Both have social anxiety issues, neither has a skill that they can turn into a job let alone a career, no clue about relationships or even life in general.

I could drop my 20 year old SS off downtown, give him a map and a bus transfer and he'd still never find his way home.

Why is this the way it is for them?

Because my wife suffers from the worst case of divorce guilt I've ever seen over these boys and coddles their every whim.

Now, I could have continued to push these boys and teach them personal accountability, self respect, motivation, work ethic and how to treat women and at the very least given them a chance at a good life that didn't revolve around narcissism but that would have created more stress and resentment in my wife than my marriage could take.
We would have divorced and then the boys would be even more screwed along with my bio daughter who I most likely would have lost custody of because the courts are seriously biased against fathers.
My family would have been destroyed and the light of my life (My daughter) would have been the biggest loser in the whole stupid mess.

So I stopped being responsible for the boys, I let her do whatever she wanted with them and she has destroyed them.
I put my marriage before those two boys because it was the very best choice out of a load of crappy options.

My daughter however is doing great and is a source of immense pride for both myself and my wife because my wife doesn't have a problem with me teaching/disciplining my bio daughter (go figure).

The entire affair has left me with a lot less respect for my wife and has seriously affected the love I have/had for her.

I`m right now still trying to figure out how to live with it and/or get past it.

However, it's worth every minute of hardship to me because our daughter is thriving and happy and our family is still together even if not quite right.

If I hadn't made a conscious decision to put my marriage before the children we'd all be screwed right now.


----------



## northernlights

This is precisely the opposite of having a general principle, though. Isn't it safe to say you made the best choice you could given your options, and that it had nothing to do with categorically prioritizing your marriage over your children?


----------



## tacoma

northernlights said:


> This is precisely the opposite of having a general principle, though. Isn't it safe to say you made the best choice you could given your options, and that it had nothing to do with categorically prioritizing your marriage over your children?




I took the option that would do the least damage to my family as a whole.
That option was to put my marriage above those kids.

It guaranteed at least someone got out unscathed and those who didn't were far less traumatized than they would have been otherwise.

I'm not saying one should always prioritize marriage over kids. I'm not one to hold too many personal axioms as they tend to cause more trouble than they're worth.

I try to look at every situation from a liberal point of view to decide what I think the best course is for that particular scene.

I'm not saying EVERY situation calls for prioritizing a marriage over children but "generally" it's the safest position to hold considering the children depend upon the marriage even more so than the husband & wife.


----------



## kcguy

Tacoma, I have to as a male completely agree with you. I even went to counsling because my SO, complained, and her semi adult childrend, 20, 18 and 16 that I was being controlling when her and I would have occasional arguments over the choices that she was making by her letting them do what ever they wanted and when she listened to me and said NO, OMG, they would throw temper tantrums like 5 year olds. I am ending this 12 year once marriage, then reconcilliation, because I asked her son to wear a shirt while sitting at the dining room table playing on his laptop.. Mind you, he's 20 years old in his boxer shorts underwear only, and asked to please put on a shirt or shorts if he was going to sit out there for more than just to eat breakfast, or a short time.. Then I was told by his mother, I wasn't allowed to tell him anything. Now if that is putting your kids first, and I am having to put my marriage first, then this whole idea can go jump of a f'n cliff. I will not by any means of God and that is what God expects. Um, No way!! She won't let go and let these kids grow up. She does so much for them, that when I need her, there is nothing left. They control everything she does, feels, thinks, everything we do or don't do. She has 3 kids and one of them have been stealing 2 of my meds. She tells me to lock them up. I have to lock up my money can, booze, meds,. everything or they steal it. that's my home with them. She turns a blind eye. She really can't understand why i'm pissed off at the situation that's her responsiblity. She doesn't see what could cause me to be so frustrated. She's just being a good mom. Most of it, I get.. I tell her, you don't do this for me.. you do it for them, it's fine.. I'm your SO.. You don't go this far, you don't dote on me, you don't wait at the door for me, you don't fix me dinner, heat my food up.. I'd really like it if you could share some of the love.. If you can't, that's fine. I'll move on. I get it.. there's nothing there.. this is love, not just being a mom.. I can do this for someone.. I am not a mom.. 
Put my marriage first I don't think means I sacrifice my values, boundries, beliefs or self so she has complete control and then makes me choose her way or the highway. Then accuses me of doing that. There is so much more. I'm not perfect. I have in anger said stupid things because of frustration of all this crap to her towards the kids. Not at them, but they have heard some of it. I feel bad, but I can't change it. Now, I don't care. I just want out. 
I'm on a heart transplant list, work everyday, go to school part time and pay 1/2 the bills.. my bio son is working, supporting his girlfried and daughter, has an apartment and she dogs him. I am packing my stuff.. I will be gone by the end of the week.

I kept going to therapy to keep sane. She used to be our marriage counsler. She has been telling me to run for some time. I said I made a promise.. She said, I made it to the wrong person. I've asked So to go back to her own therapist, but she said she didnt' need to go, because she didn't have any problems and wasn't doing anything wrong..I am the problems, I cause the problems, I start all the crap when I talk to her about the problems. LOL. We have lots of other issues. I have put this first. She has always put her kids first and at the risk of our relationship. I either go along or else. I have had enough. I was raised, God, Couple, family, Self. To answer your question, both of you have to be doing this. Not one of you. Both of you need ot put the relationship first, children when needed -but help the children together if possible, always work as a family. Pray together. If you're spouse is like mine. You made the vow with the devil. Run.


----------



## Lyris

Reading threads like this makes me all the more determined never to be in a position where I have to deal with a blended family. 

If anything happened to my marriage I would not remarry/repartner until my kids were adults. That's my responsibility to them.


----------



## kcguy

it's ironic to hear that I have a son from another marriage and he's not had problems with me on this. He's not trying to break up my relationship. Never has. I have tried to raise my son to be accepting. Not all blended families are this way. It depends on how the parent "parent's" the children. Most are so guilt ridden for their marriage ending, they end up being their friend, not the parent. The kids are a mess and the parent hasn't done anything to try to clean up that mess. When they bring another person into the mix, with a hidden agenda, that's where the problems arise. Family counsling, for a while to help establish boundries, writing house rules and what the partner can do or what he or she must turn over, there are so many things that can be done to make this work, but it's a bit of work, trial and the outcome can be wonderful. It's tough, when you have a moron ex who is bad mouthing your new partner especially when you make them look bad and are a better parent then they are. Kids are just mirrors of the parents. When a mother won't show her hubby's son affection because her kids might get jealous.. you're right. stay out. that parent doesn't have the maturity to be in a relationship. Especially when they are 20, 18 and 16 years old. When your kids are ruling your life, yup, don't drag a man in to help you with the bills and then spend your money on your kids.. There are many good reasons not to bring in another person. It's not because of them, it's because the Parent hasn't healed enough. They aren't ready to be parents. Especially when their new partner is a strong parent, good provider, everything you would want in a father, but the kids are used to getting everything they want, but can't stand to hear the word no. if you've been spoiling you're kids to make up to them what's happened, you'll be a lonely person, because you're kids will always run you life. They won't ever be able to handle sharing you. You'll always be bailing them out, most of the time, you've substituted them for not feeling lonely. I feel sorry for them. They won't be able to have healthy, adult relationship models, because mom or dad were too afraid to bring in another adult and teach them what a reasonablly healthy, loving, good relationship is. How to work thru conflict, how to work as a team, how to be towards the man or woman you love, etc.. That's a lot of good stuff they will miss out on. Because they can't handle it.. Kids need therapy too.


----------



## kcguy

You sound like you're doing it the right way. it's one thing to let your kids grow up, then it's another to raise them. It's very important to raise them to be productive members of society. I spent many years in Marriage Therapy, in Parenting counsling, in support groups, I didn't want to be an authoriative partner. She didn't need to be so overprotective that I didn't exist. I am an excellent father, I raised my son on my own. he's a wonderful man, father and becoming successful. Her kids aren't learning from their mistakes, she turns a blind eye to their shenadigans, it's not the same as you describe. You could probably date someone but not live together. We really need to end it. She wishes she had met me sooner to have her kids with me. As it turns out the blow up we had, the kids were taking out on me what they wish they could say to their real dad who stole their stuff and pawned it, abandoned them, etc. but I don't care, there other too much dysfunction that I can't be a part of. Being a functional parent, is one thing, dysfunctional and harming their evolvement is another. Good luck, you're probably healthier than you think.


----------



## Loloberry

I don't think there is any one answer to this question. For my situation, I believe it is best for my marriage to come first. I have a son from my previous marriage. I left his father two days before finding out I was even pregnant. It was a very unhealthy relationship and it needed to be ended. I remarried when my son was four to a man that is an amazing husband and father. My son has known him since he was one however. I think it is in my son's best interest to see his step-dad and I as a team. I want him to see what a healthy, happy marriage looks like. I believe that if more children grew up seeing happy marriages they have a better chance of having one themselves. Plus this way my husband doesn't end up alienated because my son and I were together first. This hasn't always been easy though. When my husband and I first started dating it was incredibly hard to let him step in and help parent when I was struggling. And boy did I struggle! I had terrible divorce guilt and let my son run amok because I felt so guilty he didn't have a dad in the picture. There was a lot of fighting and crying on my part, but it was so worth it in the end. I didn't always know how to parent my son the best way, but my husband was always there to help me. If we hadn't spent so much time nurturing our own relationship I do not think we would have made it through those times. From day one of our relationship we have made a strong effort to make time for just the two of us and make sure that we as a couple are strong. My husband and my son also now have a great relationship and I do not believe my son feels any less loved. Raising other people's children is probably incredibly hard, and without a strong marriage it would be even harder. I think in a lot of blended families there is a lot of guilt about things in the past not having gone they way it was "supposed" to go. Parents try to make up for it by befriending their children, or at least parenting them differently than they would without that guilt. I think the combination of parenting out of guilt, and not making your marriage the priority, ends up being detrimental for all relationships involved. If that is the case, being single is probably a better option.


----------



## PaperTiger

OneLuckyMommy said:


> Question for all! In my religion (Christian/Pentecostal Holiness) we were always told that God comes before all and anything, then marriage then your children. Without God we wouldn't be here, without marriage our child(ren) wouldn't be here, etc. With the blended family now days, how does this work?


I think I understand what you mean as I also come from a very religious background. Whatever dynamic you work out between the two of you, I'll state only what I've been taught from a religious perspective. (This is not necessarily how I am with my husband as he is not religious.)

When you are told to uphold God - Marriage - Children, it is not meant to exclude anyone, or cause one to take priority over another. The philosophy, as I understand it, is that if you are spiritually right with God, and your spouse is as well, and you both put God at the forefront of your lives/marriage. Then you will both be following Him in how you act with each other and your children. It is not meant that you will always agree with each other (that would be too easy), but that God will help you make decisions about your marriage and parenting that follow His path. You both have to discuss and pray about what is right for your family and present a united, faithful, and Godly front for your children. 

I suppose a physical example would be if you and your spouse were wrapped in a hug around your children, and Gods arms were wrapped around your whole family.

I'm not sure if this is what you were looking for, but I hope it can at least be of some help.
I hope you are able to work things through with your spouse. Good luck!


----------

