# When is it okay to say "you have severe mental problems" to your child?



## HiredGun (Sep 3, 2013)

Let me start by saying our daughter (12) can be very difficult and fussy at times, especially when interacting with my wife. While at the beach on Monday (yesterday), our daughter was complaining and was anxious about having to put on sunscreen and about being oily, sandy, and hot. The beach is not her favorite place to go and she did create a bit of a scene by acting out about her discomfort. Both my wife and I asked her to calm down, but then my wife says out loud to our daughter with a very critical voice: "you have some severe mental problems". The beach was very crowded and I just wanted to bury head in the sand, I could not believe she said that to my daughter, especially in public. 

On Sunday, same daughter asked my wife if she was upset or in a bad mood. My wife responds with "Yes and I'm in a bad mood all the time, so don't ever ask me that again!" These kinds of statements and biting responses to our children and to me are common and often a daily occurrence. I've reached a point where I'm ready to quit after struggling with the negative personal interactions my wife has had with our children, with me, with family, with strangers, with everyone over the last 23 years. It's like she has absolutely no filter between her thoughts and her words and it seems to be getting worse; if she feels it she says it. 

Does it sound like I’m over reacting? Maybe the problem is all mine, but it’s killing me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Never.

I have an autistic child and while he knows he's different I focus on his positive attributes. I don't knock him down nor am I cruel.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Never ever ever. I don't know that that's even an okay statement to an adult.

My father always told me we accuse people of the things we ourselves either are or would do...in that light, has your wife considered evaluation by a psychiatrist?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No. If they don't, it's a cruel lie. If they do, they wouldn't understand what you're talking about and it wouldn't improve their situation. Who wants their kids to feel bad about themselves? I want my kids to believe they can be or do anything.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

You NEVER say such thing to someone even it there is severe issue, you always find away to explain this problem, . You can say honey, this is not right, this is not appropriate, we want to help and make sure you are safe, we love and we care ..... this is y we have to do this... , but never tell individual such thing, especially a kid. Your wife needs to take a training on positive approaches to communicate with people with issues. Does your wife have a mental issue too?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your child sound normal to me.

but your wife is a different story.

every time she responds like that YOU need to correct her. something like. lose the attitude thats my kid your talking to and your response was not appropriate! and don't back down.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your wife probably needs a therapist. I don't know if she's depressed or what, but permanently mean and crabby isn't a sign of a healthy person. It's important that she deal with this because your daughter only hears how much she sucks from her mom, and that is going to damage her self-esteem. It will get worse in her teens when moms and daughters really clash.

BTW, if your daughter hates sunscreen and being oily, get her some of those SPF shirts that surfers and snorkelers wear. Then she only has to worry about her face and legs.


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## HiredGun (Sep 3, 2013)

Thank you to everyone that has responded to my post and thank you for the posts that support my daughter’s wellbeing. I know what my wife is doing is wrong; I cringe it every time it happens. In fact I apologize to the readers for what might seem like a rhetorical post. I have just had all I can take and need a place to vent and organize my thoughts and feelings. 

After posting, I began the process of looking for a therapist. If she will not go, then I will alone. I think I need as much help as she just dealing with her depression, anxiety, and interpersonal issues. Part of the problem is that I’m a peacekeeper type and when things settle down, I’m more inclined to let things go peacefully as long as they can. We have had enough confrontation on this issue over the years that it has become easier to let go of my on concerns and try to make the best of it. 

One question, what is the best way to talk to my daughter about this issue? I have asked my daughter before about how she feels when her mom says things like that to her. She says it does not bother her often and that she knows that mom over reacts when she gets angry. I’ve recently told her that the way mom acts is not normal and that she has problems with anxiety. My daughter seems to already understand that. Please know that I don’t say that to suggest she is okay with this type of behavior, she is just a really smart, really great little girl. Please also know that I try every day to encourage her and lift her up as much as I can.

Lastly, to respond to chillymorn’s post, thanks for the advice on how to respond to my wife when this happens. I did challenge her Monday at the beach by saying that she cannot talk to our daughter that way and that she needs to exercise restraint when talking to her. I receive not response whatsoever. Just silence.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Wow I feel for you, you are in a tough position. 

I would ask your therapist on ways to talk to your daughter about it and also for some tips to give your daughter when she's being criticised by your wife.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I've been told that all my life. It's not pretty. That is why I am here. I agree with what everyone has said here.

Good luck to you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

HiredGun said:


> T
> One question, what is the best way to talk to my daughter about this issue? I have asked my daughter before about how she feels when her mom says things like that to her. She says it does not bother her often and that she knows that mom over reacts when she gets angry. I’ve recently told her that the way mom acts is not normal and that she has problems with anxiety. My daughter seems to already understand that. Please know that I don’t say that to suggest she is okay with this type of behavior, she is just a really smart, really great little girl. Please also know that I try every day to encourage her and lift her up as much as I can.
> 
> Lastly, to respond to chillymorn’s post, thanks for the advice on how to respond to my wife when this happens. I did challenge her Monday at the beach by saying that she cannot talk to our daughter that way and that she needs to exercise restraint when talking to her. I receive not response whatsoever. Just silence.


Encourage your daughter to stand up for herself when her mother bites at her. "Mom, that hurt way beyond whatever I did." Your daughter is already well versed at burying her hurt, which will turn to anger and she'll lash out or in. Lash out teens are angry and tend to bully, they engage in early sex and drug use. Lash in teens try to fit in but become with drawn and depressed and in the worst cases they cut.

Therapy is great but firm boundaries are even better. Do NOT allow your wife's mean sarcastic comments to go unchecked, ever! By calling her out each and every time she will begin to filter herself better.

I used to have a friend like your wife. She was a horrible b!tch to her kids and routinely said mean things to them and about them. One became a drug addict and has recently avoided jail. The other I have heard nothing about since he moved several states away, no one has heard from him. The oldest is okay, but she got in a drunk driving accident and killed her best friend when she was 16. Since the accident her aunt swooped in and made sure she got help. She's now in grad school.

This ain't small potatoes so do something!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm so sorry, this is horrible. I have a child with autism and sometimes it can be very stressful, I can understand if your wife gets frustrated. That being said I would never ever ever say that to him. You don't treat your children like that. I am glad you are seeking couseling. Tell your daughter the truth that mom is having mental problems and is having trouble keeping it together, that its not end fault and that whatever she said is not true. Tell your daughter that she needs to get away and without responding if it happens again. Then step in and remind your wife that she is tramatzing your daughter. If need to get your daughter out of your home util your wife is stable, do it. Also, there are counselers at school that can help you. They can also keep an eye out for any signs of depression or emotional damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## celeste (Apr 3, 2013)

It isn't okay!

Why did it even get to that point? Your 12 year old was fussing? Maybe I am missing something, but I would have told my kids to suck it up. Life isn't always about comfort, again maybe I am missing something here. 

While I would never say anything like that to my children (mental problems) I would have no problem telling my kids that the complaint department was closed and I didn't want to hear it. My spouse would have had my back as well and helped me deal with the situation. 

Do you think your wife gets to this point because she feels she has to deal with all the discipline and fussing? 

I do not agree with the fact that you talk to your daughter about how there is something wrong with your wife. Painting a bad picture of your wife with regards to anxiety/mental issues etc (even if she is in the wrong with her behavior) is not healthy for your daughter either. Family counseling is probably a very good idea.


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