# How do you heal from a miscarriage??



## Pumpkingpie

Hi Everyone,

First, thank you all who provided their advise in my previous posts. I decided to continue to try with my husband. I stopped seeing his family and visiting.

Anyways, since he became the sole breadwinner of the home, I thought that I should do more because I’m just home.

I walked for 6 + hours to get groceries, I cooked, I cleaned and did everything... for days. 
I figured I would walk because, I’m not working and we’ll have to pay rent soon. 
I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t doing anything. I didn’t want to feel like I was being taken care off and he was doing all the work.

Unfortunately, at the time I didn’t know that I was pregnant. I thought that the constant cramps, and sharp pain I felt were indications that my period was coming. When it came out off me ... I think my mind just blocked it.

When the doctor spoke to me... it’s like I wasn’t there. When questions were asked its like I was on autopilot just saying “okay”. I feel empty, sad, and defeated.

My husband wants me to talk to him and I’ve tried but I don’t think he understands. When I talk to him I feel like im overwhelming him. I’m constantly getting up and attempting to do as much as I can without being distructive... but i know i’ve been acting different and I don’t want to push him away.

How to do you cope with this? My heart feels like it’s sinking. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is right. He isn’t feeling this way... why am I ? Why does it hurt so much?


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## lifeistooshort

It hurts because you're mourning the loss of what could've been., and from your post I suspect a small part of you blames yourself.

You need time, but please know it's not your fault. Some pregnancies just aren't meant to be.

My mom lost one before me and she said she reminded herself that the baby wasn't growing properly and it wasn't meant to be.

Eventually she had 3 of us.

Why not give your husband a chance and talk to him? If he's offering he wants to be there, just don't expect him to process it like you. Everyone is different this way. And he sure to ask him for what you need from him because he's not a mind reader.


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## Pumpkingpie

lifeistooshort said:


> It hurts because you're mourning the loss of what could've been., and from your post I suspect a small part of you blames yourself.
> 
> You need time, but please know it's not your fault. Some pregnancies just aren't meant to be.
> 
> My mom lost one before me and she said she reminded herself that the baby wasn't growing properly and it wasn't meant to be.
> 
> Eventually she had 3 of us.
> 
> Why not give your husband a chance and talk to him? If he's offering he wants to be there, just don't expect him to process it like you. Everyone is different this way. And he sure to ask him for what you need from him because he's not a mind reader.


Thank you for taking the time to reply. 
I do blame myself but thank you for providing me with some type of understanding as to why I feel this way. 

It’s easier to type than to speak about how i’m feeling. I feel that if we don’t speak about it then it’s like it didn’t happen (Talking brings it into existence). But i’ll find myself crying and not knowing why. 

Thank you so much for you suggestion because as I typed this I am crying so much. But I texted him and let him know that I definitely need a hug. So hopefully when he comes home. 

Thank you 🙏 for sharing your story. I try to be positive but it feels so fresh that even seeing a baby laugh just hurts so much.


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## lifeistooshort

Pumpkingpie said:


> Thank you for taking the time to reply.
> I do blame myself but thank you for providing me with some type of understanding as to why I feel this way.
> 
> It’s easier to type than to speak about how i’m feeling. I feel that if we don’t speak about it then it’s like it didn’t happen (Talking brings it into existence). But i’ll find myself crying and not knowing why.
> 
> Thank you so much for you suggestion because as I typed this I am crying so much. But I texted him and let him know that I definitely need a hug. So hopefully when he comes home.
> 
> Thank you 🙏 for sharing your story. I try to be positive but it feels so fresh that even seeing a baby laugh just hurts so much.


You're welcome, and virtual hugs to you.

Men are fixers and we women can sometimes interpret that as them not feeling. To them the fact that they're trying to fix it means they are feeling or they wouldn't bother. They become frustrated with us and don't know what else to do and we become frustrated because we think it should be obvious, then you're both unhappy.

I hope you get your hug. Tell him that his hugs are part of what he can do to fix it.

Please remember that women run marathons while pregnant, among many other things. A strong pregnancy can endure a lot.....your activities didn't make any difference. It's thought that a very large number of us have actually had miscarriages at some point and just don't realize it.....a lot of pregnancies aren't viable.

You are not alone.

Take good care of yourself.


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## FlaviusMaximus

When I was 13, my mom had a miscarriage between her 5th and 6th child. Many years later when I was in my 40’s we were all together at Christmas looking at family photos. I said to my oldest sister that our family photos were a bit haunting to me as they were missing someone. That might seem obvious but what struck me was the feeling and it was persistent every time I looked at a family photo. We found out by talking about it that each of us always had that sensation, we all felt that way.

You are struggling with a real and deep loss. Other family members feel it and experience it though not as intensely as you. Talk to your husband. He may not understand what you feel and maybe he never will, but he does feel it in his own way I assure you and the fact that he wants you to talk to him is a gesture of love and an offer to help share your pain.


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## FlaviusMaximus

lifeistooshort said:


> Men are fixers and we women can sometimes interpret that as them not feeling. To them the fact that they're trying to fix it means they are feeling or they wouldn't bother. They become frustrated with us and don't know what else to do and we become frustrated because we think it should be obvious, then you're both unhappy.


This is true, then we often follow with wanting an explanation of exactly what to do so we can do that. 
To women it might be obvious, to men they're just trying to be expeditious...


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## sokillme

You are in mourning. One thing I can say though is your husband may be in mourning too it just may be different then yours, don't shut him out. You guys are married for a reason but this has the potential to bring you together or maybe even damage your relationship. This is an important moment, tell him exactly what you wrote here and see what he says.


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## Pumpkingpie

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and helping me understand why I’m feeling this way. My husband hugged me and I couldn’t get the words out so I just let him read it.

I appreciate all of your advice, and for giving me the space to let things out.


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## MattMatt

Closed to further replies.


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