# Wish I knew what my husband is thinking/feeling?!??!



## scareditsgone (Apr 5, 2012)

So this is my first post here as I have been reading others stories. I really need an understanding of my husband state because I cannot understand it.
This is going to be long so I apologize, I do think that the background information is important because it truly built our foundation.

We have been married for almost 2 years and have been together for a total of 8. We met when I was 22 and he was 29. (Now Im 30 and he is 37) We partied hard and moved fast in the beginning of our relationship. The partying got to a pretty bad place and we were fighting alot. He would go out on benders and lie to me. This went on for about 3 years. Throughout that time I would pack my bags and leave just to stay. He wanted to straighten his act up and he did 110%. We actually started living a normal life and it was great. After several years we got engaged and married which leads me here.

My husband never wants to do anything. He works labor for 9.5 hours a day straight, 5 x a week. So he gets home at 5 and is asleep by 7. He has been working out now after work and he is in great shape but, after working out, he eats and goes to bed. On the weekends his days are focused on non-stop work around the house with new projects, to the lawn...but this is to the point where everyone has made comments about how he just doesn't stop. Always trying to make it look better when it already looks great. Every several weeks we will hang at our friends house for 3 hours but other than that, nothing. I will go out occassionaly to see my friends and 75% of the time he gives me attitude about it (even though he is ALWAYS invited but doesn't want to go)
Recently I lost 3 childhood friends this past year and since I have been with him, I haven't seen them much so he really didn't know them. He wouldn't go to the services with me and when I told him about their passing while in tears, he will just say "oh, that sucks" and walks away. No hug, no words of comfort. In addition, there would be benefits for the families. So the most recent one that I went to, I was helping out with running the benefit. He didnt' want to go ...so fine. Within 2 hours, he would text me asking when I was going to be home. When I told him that it started later then anticipated due to everyone having a difficult time with the loss, he was annoyed. Then I get a text saying asking why it was taking so long, I told him that the band hadn't played yet because the family was sharing stories, and the response I got was " Are you serious"? fast forward and a series of texts and phone calls where he hung up on me after yelling at me because I was out drinking and he couldn't sleep when I was out because he was worried. (I had been sick and was diagnosed with epilepsy 3 years ago, but haven't had an actual seizure in over 1.5 years). I was with my cousin who manages the pub and my two best friends but he still said that it didn't matter. Needless to say I didn't get home until 12:30 because I dropped everyone off but he was livid. He told me that I was out drinking until 1am and on and on..... This has happened with the last two friends that passed and I was home by 10pm.

You add this all together to the fact that our once passionate relationship became a sexless relationship in the past 3 years. When I say sexless it is like once every 2-3 months. When I initiate he always says that it makes him really tired the next day for work. he initiates it sometimes by saying ..."hey you wanna..." I don't get hugs anymore, I don't get kisses. I don't get any type of care or attention that used to be there. When I call him he answers saying "yea"...all annoyed that I am calling but then when I don't answer his call he gets pissed. I just don't understand how someone can say they are so worried that something will happen to me but at the same time not even ask me how my day was or say hello when he comes home from work. I am not trying to have an ego here but I am a good looking woman who can also be 
"one of the guys". I always loved snowboardiv'ing, kayaking, dirt biking, camping, etc. He also loved this things before we met but never wants to do them now. Going into the marriage we both were unsure if we wanted children. With my health risks, that makes it even of a more difficult decision. So my thought process is if we decide that we will not have children, then lets live it up! Let's enjoy the freedom that it allows and have fun. Ironically he told me last night that there was a guy selling twin dirt bikes so he bought one, not both, just the one.....nor talked to me about it to see if I did want it...which he knew I would but acted like he didn't think I would. But I didn't give him grief over it because I was happy to see that he is going to do something! 

Overall though,I just don't know what to do anymore. He is so distant. I told him during one of our fights that I thought we may benefit from communication counseling but he told me that he would never EVER get counseling. I told him that he should have told me that before getting married because when you say better or worse....you are supposed to mean it. We had a couple bad fights since our wedding where he said..I can't do this anymore but then won't talk about it. So when I have to pry about what he wants ...he then will say I love you but I cant stand fighting. He does not communicate at all. If he wasn't home everyday and on weekends right after work and then I would think that he was having an affair but I know he isn't. This has been so difficult because I know he loves me and I love him, but I want my fun husband back that I can be goofy with, have intimacy with. We are freaking newlyweds for crying out loud. He proposed to me while sitting on the couch in front of the tv?!?!?! I just don't know what to do anymore. He does alot for me in terms of the house and taking care of me since I had gotten sick but I need a husband, not a room mate or father figure. I have asked him if he feels depressed or tried to schedule some plans like a couples massage and he just doesn't care. What can I do to make him understand that this is not how a happy marriage works?!?!??!


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. By John Gray.

Find and read this book. It may help you a lot. You both are measuring your effort and commitment to the marriage in different ways.


----------



## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Along with the above suggested book read "His Needs, Her Needs". My marriage was just like yours except he didn't mind me going out. When I do go out it's rare and with my family or close friends. 

I lured my husband back with sex. I didn't give him a choice. He'd come home from work and find me waiting for him in bed naked. Took a while of doing that now I get the affection I need. Even when I can't have sex I still take care of him without him asking with a BJ. Now he notices me, watches me, pays attention to me and we have awesome sex frequently. 

He finally trusts me with his sexual needs again.

Men need sex to make an emotional connection and women need the emotional connection to want sex. Break the circle. Give him what he needs so he can give you what you need.


----------



## scareditsgone (Apr 5, 2012)

Like waiting in bed with lingerie....just to b turned down.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

scareditsgone said:


> Like waiting in bed with lingerie....just to b turned down.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



lingerie is a wonderful thing. .....Itts kinda like unwrapping a christmas present!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

scareditsgone said:


> Like waiting in bed with lingerie....just to b turned down.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really? Damn, that's harsh... Have you tried dominatrix outfit and whips?


----------



## alwaysforever (Jul 28, 2012)

it is sooo scary how similar your story is to mine. proposal,partying,work alllll of it. except i was the one being distsant. but now i want to always remain close to him.

the reason why i got distant twords him was bc he wasnt giving me what i needed emotionally. i felt lonley due to lack of communication,intimacy,i felt everyone else came b4 i did. your hs reasons may be diffrent. but the distance got wayyyyyy worse b4 it got better. 

while i was feeling this way an old aquaintance found his way into my life. he always had feeling twords me , but i never felt the same...untill this time.he was in the airforce and across the country but man did i fall for it. he gave me attention all the things i THOUGHT i wanted. a major EA. my H knew and i didnt care. so he tried overly hard to win me back, affection ect...but it pushed me more away. i was certian our marriage would end.

then it got a little close to home he sent wanted dirty pixx. i just couldnt bring myself to send back. it hit me like a ton of bricks. I LOVED MY HUSBAND and all this was silly. i felt so ashamed.it makes me sick to think about how i treated someone who whould go to the moon for me. and all out probs. werent that serious. now that i think about it , if i was on the other end, and he was the one w the EA i would have fallen to pieces.

i dnt rly know what to tell u except never give up on someone you love, maybe give each other some space. i just wanted to share bc wat u said sounded like i had written it


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry, but why are you out until the wee hours of the night drinking without your husband?

You guys really need to be in some sort of a couseling setting where a referee helps you learn to communicate and understand what is going on. Otherwise you are doomed. Don't get pregnant adn think hard about demanding MC.


----------



## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

He is acting most likely because he is harboring a lot of resentment towards you. 

An action or series of actions in the past that he associates with you he feels very strongly about. 

It can even be that he thinks you manipulated him into giving up partying. 

Whatever it is it seems to be the driving force behind his behavior. His emotional self is lashing out at you for revenge.


----------



## scareditsgone (Apr 5, 2012)

Kando..im not out till wee hours drinking. Im pretty sure in my post it says how i lost 3 childhood friends in the past 10 months. With my friends all being relativley young when they passed (29-36) our group off friends decided hosted benefits for their children/families to help with expenses. Now the first two i was home by 1 fr0pmbut this last one went on later bc he played in several bands so they all played. Fyi those were the onky times that i have gone out in the past 2 years without him .....and he was invited!!! He didnt want to go which i do totally understand. We prob have gone out 4 times in the past 3 years together.....needless to say wedo t do anything. Now we had a huge fight on saturday night because of his dirtbike purchase that he didnt talk to me about. And he said he "was done" and "its over"...which he has said before so i packed a bag and nicely told him how much i.loved him but if he was really in this for us he would get counseling with me so we learnhow to communicate. His response was that no counselor could tell him saying that he didnt already know. I then left while asking him why he wasnt a god damn pyschologist then as he hates his job. He yelled something about how everything i have he bought....aka...in his name bc my credit is **** from all my medicall bills. When i was really sick we decided to keep finance acounts seperate as much as possible in case i dies from one of my seizures. I know the ins and outs on what they can hold a significant other responsible for even when just living together. If u have a good lawyer u can fight and win but i figured to be preventative and he agreed. Obviously we still pay things togther...he pays mortgage...i pay car payments...blah blah......but when he said that, i realized that he somewhat liked that he had that control but resents the fact that we cant use both incomes for credit....so point being that is what he resents me for. So i left with my bag only to have to come back because he needed my laptop for his email. He then asked why i left and i reminded him about how he said he was "done". He backpeddled saying that he was talking about the fighgingwhich i know he wasnt originally..but whatever...heat of the moment. He apologized and agreed to 1 session of comunication counse,ing. He admitted that hewas trying to think of think of ways to work on us bc he knew i felt that we were stagninant. But he said.....the sex thing is bc he is tired....and he is sorry. So i think we made hugeprogress. I am sure it is difficult for him to know his 30yr old wife is wanting more of a sex life....but ill make sure he knows that itis only with him...just like it has been for the past 8years. So we r still on eggshells....just not as many.
Also.....not getting pregnant....OBVIOUSLY....im not one of those woman he thinks it would fix things...but u also mentioned demanding MC...not sure what u mean? What is MC???


----------

