# Touch Averse Partner



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

My gf of over 10 years generally doesn't like being touched, hugged, etc, especially by strangers, and often with me to a lesser degree. That said, she needs touch to get worked up, and is very sexual when she's in the mood. Problem is, I can't read her mind. Sometimes I will reach out and get my hand slapped (almost literally), so it makes me apprehensive to initiate. We've made it work for a long time, but have had a couple blowups recently over this. Need tips from people that have figured this out. Other noteworthy facts: we are a LAT couple - never lived together, no plans to get married, and we both like it that way. We usually hang out a couple nights a week, and have sex about once a week on average, which I find to be an acceptable frequency. I think we would both like a bit more frequency if we can figure out this intimacy hangup we have.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Being serious, if you've not figured this out after 10 years.
1. Why haven't you already talked with her about this.
2. Why are you just now having this problem, what's changed?
3. Why do you think it's acceptable, ie why do you think it's on you to solve? 

It may be best to just break up and quick like.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'd say that if she is truly invested in the relationship, it is incumbent upon her to get whatever professional help she needs to rectify the situation.
If she doesn't want to do the work, best to bounce.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tell her you need to work out a signal . You could keep the subject light and say to avoid getting your feelings hurt or feel reprimanded when you attempt a touch, why don't I hold up two fingers to give you the peace sign as a silent question if it's a good time, and you give it back if you're cool and give me the Star Trek sign if you're not.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Tell her you need to work out a signal . You could keep the subject light and say to avoid getting your feelings hurt or feel reprimanded when you attempt a touch, why don't I hold up two fingers to give you the peace sign as a silent question if it's a good time, and you give it back if you're cool and give me the Star Trek sign if you're not.


Hope they don't wait another 10 yrs to fix. Seems like something has changed lately.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I actually brought up a hand signal when we were talking about it yesterday. It sounds silly, but might actually be helpful.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Hope they don't wait another 10 yrs to fix. Seems like something has changed lately.


This has always been there to some degree. Do you have anything constructive to contribute, or just here to throw rocks?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

she basically sounds like an introvert. 
do you find she is more averse to your touching her on the evening of a night where she already had a lot of contact with other people? Like she has a full day of work at the office, and that night when you touch her she freaks?

she might just be out of the coping "juices" she drums up to deal with all the people that day. You need to give her time to decompress first on such days


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m not here to throw rocks ok.
Could it be possible that your girlfriend is just an annoying *****?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OnTheRocks said:


> This has always been there to some degree. Do you have anything constructive to contribute, or just here to throw rocks?


If you are combative I'll just throw rocks.

On a serious note, can you answer any of the questions?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I wouldn't be with a touch averse partner who couldn't control themselves to the point I pretty much got my hand slapped, but since you have been with her for a decade you must be okay with the touch averse part.

I think it's worrisome SHE isn't worried about the fact that she slapped you away. Can you let her know that's not okay with you and she need to address it?

SHE needs to address it and and work on it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> she basically sounds like an introvert.
> do you find she is more averse to your touching her on the evening of a night where she already had a lot of contact with other people? Like she has a full day of work at the office, and that night when you touch her she freaks?
> 
> she might just be out of the coping "juices" she drums up to deal with all the people that day. You need to give her time to decompress first on such days


No, she needs to work to solve the problem. Out of coping juices so she slaps the normal touch of a partner away? Yuck. What is she 2 years old?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OnTheRocks said:


> I actually brought up a hand signal when we were talking about it yesterday. It sounds silly, but might actually be helpful.


Sometimes there's a certain amount of awkwardness or shyness involved in these conversations, so as long as it is kept light a signal might be good.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Livvie said:


> No, she needs to work to solve the problem. Out of coping juices so she slaps the normal touch of a partner away? Yuck. What is she 2 years old?


no, she is overloaded and NOT EVEN THINKING.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m not here to throw rocks ok.
> Could it be possible that your girlfriend is just an annoying ***?


She's not annoying, but she can be a b*tch at times. LOL She definitely speaks her mind.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OnTheRocks said:


> She's not annoying, but she can be a b*tch at times. LOL She definitely speaks her mind.


Is this the same girl you were dating from 2012 thread?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> no, she is overloaded and NOT EVEN THINKING.


No, she does sound a bit immature.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you are combative I'll just throw rocks.
> 
> On a serious note, can you answer any of the questions?


1. We have talked about it as needed over the years. We are both pretty good at communicating our needs. 

2. From a couple years ago to this past summer, I was having some problems with PE, and our sex life got to a bad place. This magnified the touch averse issue as well. We actually split up for about a month last summer, but agreed we wanted to try to work it out. PE is solved now, and sex has been much better. Now we're trying to figure out this issue. 

3. I don't think it's 100% on me to solve, but relationships require two committed partners. 

This isn't something that happens 100% of the time - more like 15%, but I would like for it to be 0%.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Is this the same girl you were dating from 2012 thread?


Yes


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

So again, what's changed lately that this is now a problem? What may have been or is possibly the catalyst to create this problem?

If she's done this from day one, there is likely whole different set of reasons than if this has just started or worsened to significant levels. 

This hasn't been an issue mentioned in your other threads so it's a new problem?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

OnTheRocks said:


> This has always been there to some degree.





OnTheRocks said:


> 2. From a couple years ago to this past summer, I was having some problems with PE, and our sex life got to a bad place. This magnified the touch averse issue as well. We actually split up for about a month last summer, but agreed we wanted to try to work it out. PE is solved now, and sex has been much better. Now we're trying to figure out this issue.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OnTheRocks said:


> 1. We have talked about it as needed over the years. We are both pretty good at communicating our needs.
> 
> 2. From a couple years ago to this past summer, I was having some problems with PE, and our sex life got to a bad place. This magnified the touch averse issue as well. We actually split up for about a month last summer, but agreed we wanted to try to work it out. PE is solved now, and sex has been much better. Now we're trying to figure out this issue.
> 
> ...


I get you more now.
Hopefully she's committed to solving. Or she may be looking to start a way to end the relationship. You may need to decide how long you'll put up with it.

It sounds like this is hers to solve. You've identified the problem, and in this case she'll show with time if she wants to solve. You may want to decrease your reliance on her in this relationship and look out for other signs she's withdrawing.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> and give me *the Star Trek sign* if you're not.


 I'm SO impressed with you right now!!!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> give you the peace sign as a silent question if it's a good time, and you give it back if you're cool and give me *the Star Trek sign if you're not.*


goes like this, right?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

this is interesting. basically this person is suggesting that the hating to be touched is like a "Four Love Languages" thing. the OP is NOT speaking her love language by touching her. 

we have seen the four love languages thing in other forms, where one partner is not effectively communicating with the other, and can not figure out why.









How Do Introverts Feel About Physical Affection? Is It As Energizing As Emotional Intimacy? | Brenda Knowles of space2live


Introverts crave interactions of meaning and depth. Such connecting fills us up and depletes us less. Could physical touch be as fulfilling and meaningful as verbal caressing? Is connecting through touch comparable to emotional intimacy? Is physical contact more or less draining than verbal...




brendaknowles.com


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You know many touch adverse people are on the spectrum. Do you know if she has any Asperger or Autism? If she does there is limited amounts she many ever be able to handle at once. There are therapies.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> You know many touch adverse people are on the spectrum. Do you know if she has any Asperger or Autism? If she does there is limited amounts she many ever be able to handle at once. There are therapies.


I've heard that as well, but I've never seen anything that would make me think she is on the spectrum other than this. 

Also, I definitely wouldn't describe her as an introvert. She makes friends easily and has a pretty active social life. That being said, we both really value alone time and have hobbies that keep us busy, which is why LAT works well for us.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> My gf of over 10 years generally doesn't like being touched, hugged, etc, especially by strangers, and often with me to a lesser degree. That said, she needs touch to get worked up, and is very sexual when she's in the mood. Problem is, I can't read her mind. Sometimes I will reach out and get my hand slapped (almost literally), so it makes me apprehensive to initiate. We've made it work for a long time, but have had a couple blowups recently over this. Need tips from people that have figured this out. Other noteworthy facts: we are a LAT couple - never lived together, no plans to get married, and we both like it that way. We usually hang out a couple nights a week, and have sex about once a week on average, which I find to be an acceptable frequency. I think we would both like a bit more frequency if we can figure out this intimacy hangup we have.


My wife is the same. Is your gf on the ASD spectrum?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> goes like this, right?
> 
> View attachment 82698


Let's hope not for his sake.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Do you have kids?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

No kids.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

This doesn't sound like your gf at all. It sounds more like friends with benefits..... Ten years and you don't even live together? I think its time to get an actual relationship.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> never lived together, no plans to get married, and we both like it that way.


This sounds like you are both friends with benefits and you are looking to increase you benefits?

How about you look increase your friendship instead? Instead if just hanging out and awkwardly waiting on her to flash a hand signal at you for sex, try volunteering at a local park together to help clean up litter. Take cooking classes together. Develop a hobby into a business idea for supplemental income. 

My point here is that you can't work on just getting more sex. The relationship has to grow as a whole.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Has she suffered any kind of abuse in the past?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Have you ever tried being undaunted by her pretty much slapping your hand away? I'm not talking taking her against her will, but rather not being phased by it and continuing to throw your entire bag of tricks at her over the course of the night. Talking to her like she likes to be talked to, touching her again after a short period of time, etc etc.

A certain percentage of *****y women want to be conquered by a guy stronger than them. That's why they're *****y to you in the first place. To test you. If that's what's going on in her case coming up with a signal that gives her full control might be the most vaginal drying thing you could do.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

badsanta said:


> This sounds like you are both friends with benefits and you are looking to increase you benefits?
> 
> How about you look increase your friendship instead? Instead if just hanging out and awkwardly waiting on her to flash a hand signal at you for sex, try volunteering at a local park together to help clean up litter. Take cooking classes together. Develop a hobby into a business idea for supplemental income.
> 
> My point here is that you can't work on just getting more sex. The relationship has to grow as a whole.


Disagree. Way to become even less intimate. "Let's cater to your touch averse universe and do even more _just platonic things together_. Instead of touching feel free to slap my hand away and we'll go out and pick up litter together instead, k?"

Not.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

gaius said:


> Have you ever tried being undaunted by her pretty much slapping your hand away? I'm not talking taking her against her will, but rather not being phased by it and continuing to throw your entire bag of tricks at her over the course of the night. Talking to her like she likes to be talked to, touching her again after a short period of time, etc etc.
> 
> A certain percentage of *****y women want to be conquered by a guy stronger than them. That's why they're *****y to you in the first place. To test you. If that's what's going on in her case coming up with a signal that gives her full control might be the most vaginal drying thing you could do.


I agree with this in theory but suspect that's not the case here. 

I think the hand slapping isn't going to go away, but increase as the years go on. 

If I were OP I'd terminate and find a different relationship.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sometimes there's a certain amount of awkwardness or shyness involved in these conversations, so as long as it is kept light a signal might be good.


Absolutely. Signals completely eliminated our issue re awkward initiations. 

We came up with a system a few years ago. 

My wife (responsive) gives me her signal that she's ok with ME initiating. Kind of "pre-initiating". 

* For us it's vital that the signal is not as immediate or overt as a hand sign. I've found it's important for the more responsive partner to be granted some time to think about it and decide, hey, yes I AM actually interested, go for it! 

So we have a system that gives that kind of casual breathing room vs needing an immediate response. It works very well for us - we wind up getting it on a surprising 6-7 times a week. Not bad for 20+ years in.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Thanks for all the thoughts. Not interested in dumping her over this issue. Again, this isn't something that happens 100% of the time, and she's great in most ways. Honestly, this probably isn't the perfect audience to ask for input on this since we are LAT, but I respect the honesty and pragmatism on this board. 

Again, to be clear, she has never actually slapped my hand. More like take my hand off of her body, obviously / intentionally pull away, things like that. Still a major mood killer when it does happen. It's sometimes on me to a degree, too. I am a pretty big dude with callused hands, and can be bearlike in the way I touch her at times without realizing it. 

She sent me this article while we were talking about it yesterday. She had researched it following a TikTok she saw recently. She's a very self-aware person, and realizes this touch thing is her issue. She does tick most of the boxes in the relationship characteristics list, but really, so do I: 

Trouble showing or feeling their emotions
Discomfort with physical closeness and touch
Accusing their partner of being too clingy or overly attached
Refusing help or emotional support from others 
Fear that closeness to a partner will cause them to get hurt
Sense of personal independence and freedom is more important than partnership 
Not relying on their partner during times of stress, and not letting their partner rely on them
Seem calm and cool in typically high-emotion situations
I think many of these are features of people who tend to work well in LAT relationships.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> This has always been there to some degree. Do you have anything constructive to contribute, or just here to throw rocks?


I don’t think he’s throwing rocks; he’s hoping you provide a bit more context. Your situation is very unusual; it’s been ten years of this, so far, without it being a big issue for you. What’s changed that caused you to post here? What are you looking for that’s not being provided in this relationship? It seems like either the two of you are made for each other, or you’ve come to an epiphany of some sort.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

OnTheRocks said:


> Thanks for all the thoughts. Not interested in dumping her over this issue. Again, this isn't something that happens 100% of the time, and she's great in most ways. Honestly, this probably isn't the perfect audience to ask for input on this since we are LAT, but I respect the honesty and pragmatism on this board.
> 
> Again, to be clear, she has never actually slapped my hand. More like take my hand off of her body, obviously / intentionally pull away, things like that. Still a major mood killer when it does happen. It's sometimes on me to a degree, too. I am a pretty big dude with callused hands, and can be bearlike in the way I touch her at times without realizing it.
> 
> ...


Given the article suggests CBT, is that something she is going to apply?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Disagree. Way to become even less intimate. "Let's cater to your touch averse universe and do even more _just platonic things together_. Instead of touching feel free to slap my hand away and we'll go out and pick up litter together instead, k?"
> 
> Not.


We already do stuff like this here and there. I feel like we're pretty healthy in this area, too. We have kayaked 12 miles picking up trash on a local river for an annual event a couple times now. Mostly Natty Lights, Modelos, and tires. LOL


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> Given the article suggests CBT, is that something she is going to apply?


Probably not. Neither of us believe in talk therapy.


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