# Wife is refusing sex for long



## sunmoon (Aug 24, 2013)

*Living life without having sex with wife for more than 8 years now.*

I am married since 19 years having daughter aged 16. The initial 4 years of marriage was awesome looking at the frequency of sexual pleasures and the closeness in the family. After the birth of girl child , all the attention of wife went towards the child. She later started claiming that our girl child is her property and restricted everyone not to cuddle her or lift her including her own grand parents and giving every body indications that she is born only for her and not for all. Wife started conveying thru her body language that the child love is only for her. This issue had led to lot pressure and spoiled the relationship and respect in the family.

As wife"s bondage kept on increasing inch by inch towards my daughter since then, and frequently it raised a doubt whether wife has any responsibility or bonding in the family overall. As my daughter grew up and reached an age of 2 years with the intermittent sex, she conceived and was aborted. As I mentioned the initial sex life with wife was good and in the process eventually she conceived 3 times and was aborted mainly fearing for known reasons. The reasons to abort was due to the fact that we both were working and did not have support to take care if another child comes to family. These abortions frustrated wife and she denied abruptly to have any more sex. Under these circumstances, wife"s mother diagnosed for cancer just 5 years of our marriage. As the mother needed help I had sent wife to help her physically and give a moral support. 
As the support to wife"s mother was given with my concurrence even by way of sacrificing my personal pleasures and finally wife"s mother died after a prolonged treatment for cancer. Though the love of wife towards me was very much there, a bondage was thoroughly missing from her. She lived for 4 years with her parents to help her ailing mother and I used to visit her on and off though wife"s parents were a worried lot thinking about me and their daughter"s family life getting disturbed. And the next shocking news followed by the death of wife"s mother, her younger brother died in a road accident after 2 years being in coma. When these matters rocked their family, besides she(wife) had shown clear frustration earlier on sexual matters, the possibilities to revive seemed quite remote. And this issue continued and still continuing. Our sex life literally came to an halt and when ever she was induced and given indications, she has conveyed that it is a kind of closed subject. This gave a terrible shock of my life as i could see that she was just leading a life for the sake and with only priority and concern for daughter as wife had her own job. 

After an year passed away since her mother passing away and still she never returned back to normalcy. When initiated again for having sex and enjoy life, she warned with harsh words saying she has lost her more important mother in life and who am i in the middle?? She became violent. With all this I as her husband putting up with all these tough times. At one point we both threatened each other to even separate. But it did not happen becoz of daughter being grown up now and more importantly she proved to be an intelligent girl. On the other hand for more than 5-6 years now there has been verbal tiffs & arguments expressing frustration and disappointment arising out of basic denials in life.
Now daughter is aged 16 years and still leading a life with out enjoying sex with wife for more than 8 years. As wife is prioritizing and focusing only on daughter and I am being given lowest priority in loving caring etc.. I am keeping my mind occupied with work and religious activities which alone has helped me to survive during this shocking phase in married life. I very often ask myself why am I denied what I wanted in life in the matters of sex as I am a person with strong sexual desires. How long should I control and abstain from this? Just because I am denied to have sex with wife, I am getting mentally depressed often and getting frustrated and feel cheated.

I am very much energetic and feel as young as ever and willing to have a regular normal sex with wife. She is not willing to have as explained above that she loves only her daughter and vice versa. Is my wife punishing me for any of my actions or is she looking for to patch up and live normally for the rest of life? I am confused at what she really wants. 


What is the possible solution to this as I seek from all the well wishers.


----------



## sunmoon (Aug 24, 2013)

It is for nearly 8 years I am denied of to enjoy sex with wife.We have only child (a girl who is now 16 years). Wife is interested to sleep along with the daughter only since 8 years during nights and keep me away from her. She came with a new definition saying when our daughter is around, how can we sleep separately in our bedroom.!!!! She insisted that she cannot afford to leave our daughter alone separately in a room to sleep in the nights. Instead she pointed out to me to sleep separately as she is interested only in daughter than having sex during the nights or enjoy deriving sexual pleasures. She further advises that if i cannot sleep alone or don"t get sleep, I may be free to take a decision.!!!

Note : She is an educated woman and independently employed in the 40's. She feels secured only when the daughter is with her and she cares shares only with daughter and I have been kept at a distance by both of them. They have understandings which tease me everyday..and night. Please assess who is trying to kill my sex life ( wife or daughter)

Because of lack of sex, I have been suffering all these 8 years and getting depressed and unable to concentrate my work and deeply frustrated.

Is it due to a cause of stress arising out of:-

1) is it due to 3 times earlier abortions?
2) is it due to mother"s & brother"s death
3) due to financial stress
4) due to loan & work pressure
5) due to over expectation in life( comfort & luxury)
6) due to lack of sleep comfort
7) due to lack of interest in sex
8) due to any gynaecology problems
9) due to any other psychiatric problems 
10) or any other unknown reasons


Need help and guidance and how to proceed further. 

thanks..


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I think it is due to your wife not respecting you, and is not attracted to you. she also has an unhealthy relationship with her daughter. I pity the fool who eventually marries your daughter. She will have a screwed up idea how a marriage works. I would suggest you find a way to man up and lay down the law or file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sunmoon said:


> She further advises that if i cannot sleep alone or don"t get sleep, I may be free to take a decision.!!!


OK, is she saying you are free to see other women? 




> Note : She is an educated woman and independently employed in the 40's. She feels secured only when the daughter is with her and she cares shares only with daughter and I have been kept at a distance by both of them. They have understandings which tease me everyday..and night. Please assess who is trying to kill my sex life ( wife or daughter)


It's certainly not your daughter's fault. By the way, your daughter is 16. What is your wife going to do when your daughter finally leaves the house for work/school/marriage? 




> Is it due to a cause of stress arising out of:-
> 
> 1) is it due to 3 times earlier abortions?
> 2) is it due to mother"s & brother"s death
> ...


None of those are a legitimate excuse to deny affection to your partner for eight years. If your partner has medical issues (#8), then I can understand not having sex but it's still not an excuse to remain distant from her husband and not sleep in the same bed. 

Look, here's the reality. You don't have a marriage right now. You can't base a marriage solely on your shared parenting to one child (who is now almost an adult). I read your other thread, and your wife has even gotten violent over this issue?? You can certainly try marriage counseling if you think there is any common ground at all, but in all honesty it sounds like you both would be more happy if you were separated from each other.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

sunmoon said:


> Is it due to a cause of stress arising out of:-
> 
> 1) is it due to 3 times earlier abortions?


Could be that. 

Are you aware that abortion is not an approved form of birth control?

It leaves scars. Not only the ones you can see.


----------



## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

I got the same problem ,,,good luck.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A lot of the reasons sound credible on the surface so they serve their purpose but ultimately that's not how it is supposed to work. 

Before anything else find if your definition of marriage matches hers, and if it does, you can work towards improvement. If her idea is not the same as yours it's time for checking out.

40's with career and stress is toxic enough. Throw in the daughter attachment issue (which could be a red herring) and its a whole new ball game.,

If you can communicate openly and honestly about things it may be solvable, if not...


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Living life without having sex with wife for more than 8 years now.*

From the writing style and word choice I'm guessing SE Asia cultural background... 

If you're living in the USA your next step is to decide how much financial and emotional damage you're willing to do to her on your way out. While a simple divorce is easy you can get a competent lawyer and go for shared custody, using her attachment to your daughter as an example of why she should not have full custody. 

Even tho she's working, she may not be making as much as you do, so financially it won't be pleasant for either of you (it never is). Do your homework and see what custody can be obtained, and if you can have a psych eval for both in the process as part of the divorce.

If you are living outside the USA no idea as divorce laws are not the same.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: Living life without having sex with wife for more than 8 years now.*

Clearly English isn't your first language, but your meaning comes through. regardless of cultural norms, there are a few things every woman needs in order to want to have sex with a man.

1. She needs to be attracted to him.
2. She needs to respect and NOT resent him.
3. She needs to feel that He wants HER, as opposed to he wants to have sex and she happens to have complimentary equipment.

Your wife's history and behavior as it concerns your daughter is beyond odd, but maybe there are some cultural values at play here? The recent illnesses and deaths of close family members will also send her for a loop and if you weren't there for her to hold onto, I can't even begin to suggest how to overcome that. Understanding, this wasn't your fault or doing, it was simply how events unfolded.

Don't allow you wife to summarily shut you out. Either she comes to the table to fix the marriage or she comes to the table to dissolve the marriage.


----------



## sunmoon (Aug 24, 2013)

*Re: Living life without having sex with wife for more than 8 years now.*

Thanks for your analysis.. Well she was given an option to fix or dissolve the marriage when the whole subject went to the extreme at one point of time recently in less than a year..Since we live away from our home country, it is not that easy either to take quick decisions in this life sensitive issue. In the last 6 months there was one important counselling with all the three of us including daughter. It was openly discussed and the person who counselled happens to be from relative circle. When I expressed to the counselor my unwillingness to continue further due to reasons clearly explained, he had separate talks with all the three. In that discussion daughter gave all the updates and she informed the counselor that she needed both parents to be together and be with her( at least to restore the basic relationship in the family).This good thing is continuing now for more than 6 months now as we have no rift at least in the day to day matters. Actually speaking, there is no problem at all in the family except wife is keeping away in the matters of sex. To add up to the issue, genuinely speaking we had financial issues and debts which also strained the relation due to the amounts being paid off against the loans which were taken during this 8 years. Why I mention 8 years, this is the time we have been away from home and the subject matter on sex really emerged. Since I have put in hard effort to restore the financial status as I managed to pay off max loans with out expecting any gains from wife and just for the sake of daughter as her future is more important than our sex which is another issue at the back.Wife whenever she is rebuked, she gets in secured and join hands with daughter and keep me at a distance. This was understood by me and I decided not to rebuke her which resulted in our improved relationship. I once this year expressed that I will end this relationship if the matter is not resolved soon as there is no meaning with out sex in marriage. On this occasion she replied violently saying I can get married to a girl who suit my needs to satisfy and still she meant that daughter is 1st priority than me. This discussion lasted for half an hour and she was in deep tears. I later decided to keep quite and just move forward with day to day work. When the matter related to sex and pleasure for both remain unresolved I gave a serious thought on emotional factor. Looking at her behavior, I am under the impression that she is in a depressed state of mind for long and so she uses the daughter to comfort her. When I say this I also recall the deaths of her mother & brother which really shattered her about 8 years back. Therefore, while looking at overall turn of events concerning wife"s behavior, I have extended unconditional sympathy all these years and most importantly I have stood behind her during her tough times. So, I wish she realize all my good deeds and she reciprocate with love and sex in our marriage to blossom. I am only waiting for such a date..with all my love to her.


----------



## sunmoon (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks. I am closely viewing your important comments on respect and attraction. Let me see how I can work on this with her to see any further change..


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: Living life without having sex with wife for more than 8 years now.*

Both you and your wife seem like you're on separate rafts, out at sea in a storm, trying to get back together but unable to fight the current and not knowing how best to paddle in the right direction.

You and your wife need to reconnect with each other. She MUST stop using your daughter as her anchor and start using you as her anchor. But since your daughters birth, 16 years, this is all your wife knows.

is there a way you two can take an extended holiday together without your daughter? I'm thinking two weeks at least. Best case is you go away together but if that's not possible maybe your daughter can spend a month or so with a relative?

During this time you and your wife focus on getting to know each other all over again. You "court" each other. Spend time romancing each other. 

These are heavy problems indeed but by your wife's copious tears it seems possible she wants to remain with you but needs a lot of help to disconnect from daughter and reconnect with you.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

sunmoon said:


> Thanks. I am closely viewing your important comments on respect and attraction. Let me see how I can work on this with her to see any further change..


It going to take awhile. Read no more mr nice guy, married man sex life primer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Before you do anything drastic try a couple baby steps (daughter away for weekend....) and see what comes out. If she has checked out emotionally that's all she wrote I'm afraid. 

The manipulator in me would also try to fish out information from the daughter or from times they're alone (var ) to see how it all plays out behind your back. Of course, if your relationship with your daughter is straightforward enough where she can tell you without much cajoling what's happening behind the scenes it's even better.

If you find out that the girl has been brainwashed by mom or that her perception of you is heavily influenced by mom, you'll be fighting on two fronts, not one.


----------

