# When do you tell the kids?



## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

My husband and I have decided we are going to get a divorce, but we are waiting until next year to get things settled finciancially. We have two sons ages 14 and 11. When do we tell them about the divorce? I don’t want to add more stress to their already emotionally hormonal life sooner than we need to. But I had a long talk with my 11 year old and he told me they both wish we would just get a divorce and move on so we would be happier. My husband and I don’t have screaming matches or anything, but you can tell there is tension. My oldest son just went through some depression and vaping, and I don’t want him to fall back into that again. Any advice?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Do you intend to live seperate before the divorce is final?


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## happydaisy93 (Apr 5, 2019)

We plan to live together until the divorce is final.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Kids are far more perceptive about those kinds of things!

At 14 and 11, IMHO, they are usually mature enough to cope with an impending separation and divorce, provided, of course, that the primary cause is something other than spousal infidelity!*


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It doesn't matter if there are screaming matches. Your kids "get it". 

[quote="happydaisy93]he told me they both wish we would just get a divorce and move on[/quote]

People, whether kids, or adults, are able to handle stress better when there is an "end" in sight. Keeping them out of the loop is worse than telling them there is a definitive end to the turmoil.

Just my .02. And, I've, by the grace of God, never had a divorce, so I may not be the best person to be giving advice.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> It doesn't matter if there are screaming matches. Your kids "get it".
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*Your advice is spectacular!

But I fervently pray, my good friend, that you'll never, ever come to experience such a monster in your lifetime!*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

happydaisy93 said:


> My husband and I have decided we are going to get a divorce, but we are waiting until next year to get things settled finciancially. We have two sons ages 14 and 11. When do we tell them about the divorce? I don’t want to add more stress to their already emotionally hormonal life sooner than we need to. But I had a long talk with my 11 year old and he told me they both wish we would just get a divorce and move on so we would be happier. My husband and I don’t have screaming matches or anything, but you can tell there is tension. My oldest son just went through some depression and vaping, and I don’t want him to fall back into that again. Any advice?


Take your son's statement at face value. 

My parents did not divorce but there were times I wanted them to and in the big scheme of things maybe it would have been better if they had. 

As the other posters have alluded to, I don't think there is really anything that they do not already know now so I don't think this is going to be a shot heard 'round the world or anything. 

Kids really don't give a crap about your problems or your happiness or the supposed stigma of divorce or what your mortgage or credit rating is or any of that stuff that adults wrap themselves around he axle about. 

What they care about are if mom and dad are both going to continue to love them and support them and be there for them and they are going to worry about moving away from their friends and their school and the neighborhood kids they are familiar with etc. 

It's a misconception that kids are harmed by divorce it'self. They aren't. (although a number of posters here will post studies from religious groups and educational groups etc that say they are) 

Kids are harmed by abuse, neglect, abandonment, chemical abuse/alcoholism and living in an environment of chronic resentment/hostility/bitterness etc. 

If they are secure in knowing that both parents love and support them and will be there for them and involved in their lives, they will not sustain actual harm or damage. 

Sadness yes. Disappointment yes. some anxiety and uncertainty yes. Inconvenience and pain in the tush from being shuffled back and forth between two houses and two Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners - sure. 

But two loving and supportive parents that are dedicated to and involved in their lives that happen to live in two separate houses does not harm or damage them.

At this point it is not a question of "when" to tell them for they already know. 

It is an issue of addressing their concerns over their own fate and assuring them of their continued love and care and support. 

At this age, they're probably going to be most concerned about if they are going to have to move away from their friends and go to a different school etc than anything else.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Take your son's statement at face value.
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This is what they need. Do everything in your power to not alter their life outside the future separate homes. At 14 and 11 they are grounded and comfortable with their lives outside of home. And they deserve to hold on to that. If either one of the parents changes the circumstances for their own selfish desires, the children will sniff that out in a heartbeat and they will detach from that parent. The oldest will lead with the detachment and will get vocal. 

So make sure this is solid and make sure you and your husband understand what the expectations are. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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