# It was just sex. What gives?



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

So I hear all the time that men only want sex, men will have sex with anything that's willing, etc. Also, women are the ones that are all about love and feelings. They need an emotional connection to have sex. This is often heard in sexless marriage advice, "Your wife needs top feel an emotional bond to you to want sex with you." 

I know these are generalizations, but it's said often enough there should be some truth to it.

But it seems in real life things often play out differently, or maybe I'm overthinking. I've heard women IRL and on this board say "it was just sex", "it meant nothing", and other things along those lines. 

So, I'm thinking, what's the story here? Do women NEED an emotional connection? Can they have JUST sex? Is the coventional wisdom so far off the mark? And why does that wife that's not having sex with her husband need an emotional connection, but when she was single and going to clubs she could have "just sex' with whoever she felt like?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, many women don't NEED an emotional connection to have sex, but probably most PREFER it (some may believe they need it). Many women can have JUST sex, but probably most want to at least like (or have the illusion of liking) a sex partner. Sometimes, though, I think it's just simple lust based on whatever trigger works for them with that particular man.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> So I hear all the time that men only want sex, men will have sex with anything that's willing, etc. Also, women are the ones that are all about love and feelings. They need an emotional connection to have sex. This is often heard in sexless marriage advice, "Your wife needs top feel an emotional bond to you to want sex with you."
> 
> I know these are generalizations, but it's said often enough there should be some truth to it.
> 
> ...


Because then she wouldn't be able to move the goal posts on him...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

The WW who uses the "it was just sex" line is trying to minimize damage by appealing to the BH in a way she thinks he will understand.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Philat said:


> The WW who uses the "it was just sex" line is trying to minimize damage by appealing to the BH in a way she thinks he will understand.


I think that's right, but to me that would be the least acceptable rationalization. Not that I think I'd stand for cheating for whatever reason, hope I never find out. But I could understand more if there was some emotional neglect that she was trying to fill. The I got horny and wanted him would be the worst possible excuse ever for a WW to give me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Let me add my:scratchhead:. Why do some men claim they need to have sex with their wives to feel connected and keep their connection to them and yet when they're caught cheating they claim it was just sex? Obviously, they are not thinking this through as the wife could simply point out 'it's just sex' the next time he gets amorous.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

When Martians try to speak Venusian (and vice versa) weird things happen.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, since many women claim they disconnect long before the physical act, it only makes sense that they have had an EA before the PA, in many cases. Therefore, I'd say they likely think it's none of the husband's business, and they just say, "it was just sex".


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Let me add my:scratchhead:. Why do some men claim they need to have sex with their wives to feel connected and keep their connection to them and yet when they're caught cheating they claim it was just sex? Obviously, they are not thinking this through as the wife could simply point out 'it's just sex' the next time he gets amorous.


Sex can have different goals and results in different circumstances. It can be an emotional bonding experience with one woman, yet simply a pleasant physical experience with another. It all depends on how you feel about her.

I've had casual sex with women where it's just that - recreational sex, with no deep feelings. Yet with someone I love, it's _also_ a bonding experience as well.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Interesting topic. I sort of swing both ways. 

I don't necessarily need to feel those "in love" feelings when I am having sex with someone but I need to believe he at least cares about me and he treats me with respect inside and outside of the bedroom. That is the connection I really need. If we are having issues in our relationship, my body won't physically "function" well --- if you know what I mean! Some women have their own version of impotence. I'm one of them. 

On the other hand, I had a couple instances where I walked into a bar or a party and said, "I'll take that one". I'll bring him home and do whatever. If I feel like I have control over the situation, I don't need that connection. The minute I feel like I am losing control though, I start to desire the connection. 

Bottom line is --- I'm complicated and I had no business inserting my thoughts into this post! LOL


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Sex can have different goals and results in different circumstances. It can be an emotional bonding experience with one woman, yet simply a pleasant physical experience with another. It all depends on how you feel about her.
> 
> I've had casual sex with women where it's just that - recreational sex, with no deep feelings.
> 
> Yet with someone I love, it's _also_ a bonding experience as well.


I wish I could figure out how you separate the two. That isn't a sarcastic remark.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How is the cheater's wife suppose to know the difference? Is he really trying to bond or is he just manipulating her?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> How is the cheater's wife suppose to know the difference? Is he really trying to bond or is he just manipulating her?


There may not be any way to know for certain, but it's certainly possible for many men to have recreational sex, and it's also certainly possible that some felt more and are lying about it. In any cheating scenario, I'd be inclined to doubt everything as being manipulative and self-serving, though!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

huh? :scratchhead: @ blondilocks no idea what you were commenting on. sorry.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I think "it's just sex" is just everyones (who uses it) way of minimizing what they did (not that it was nessicarily wrong). Sex isn't special. It's not to be respected or cherished or valued. Right?

Sex is tricky. It CAN be purely a physical act driven by biology. It can also be an expression of love of the utmost intimate nature. It's been both to me, but I much prefer the kind where you don't want to leave the room directly after it's over. Honestly, I wish I had valued emotional sex a little more when I was younger.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> There may not be any way to know for certain, but it's certainly possible for many men to have recreational sex, and it's also certainly possible that some felt more and are lying about it. In any cheating scenario, I'd be inclined to doubt everything as being manipulative and self-serving, though!


I agree for both men and women. Just don't know how it's possible to disconnect the feelings from the sex? That's what I meant.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> huh? :scratchhead: @ blondilocks no idea what you were commenting on. sorry.


My bad. I was responding to MarriedButHappy's response to me. Clear as mud?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> My bad. I was responding to MarriedButHappy's response to me. Clear as mud?


ah yeah, uh, thanks, I think?


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## SeaStarIn (Mar 26, 2014)

So if I have casual sex with my spouse is it just sex what if it is passionate sex is it just sex? And where does the romantic sensual sex come in and is it just sex also? Now does it matter which one of use initiates this sex? What if we are just both horny as hell at the same time like when I come back from a business trip away for a week???

Well I dont think it matters in my case because what ever sex we are having we are having it togerther



(Unless I am alone then it is just [email protected]@tion):rofl:


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> Do women NEED an emotional connection?


No. I've had great sex with women that seemed to hate me. But still wanted to have sex with me.




I Don't Know said:


> Can they have JUST sex?


Ever hear friends with benefits? Yes, you CAN be just a piece of meat to a woman.

I once fell in love with a FWB... didn't turn out well. She didn't have those feelings for me. Even though we were sleeping together.



I Don't Know said:


> Is the conventional wisdom so far off the mark?


Conventional wisdom is really a social overlay informing men and women what "nice" girls do (and don't do).



I Don't Know said:


> And why does that wife that's not having sex with her husband need an emotional connection, but when she was single and going to clubs she could have "just sex' with whoever she felt like?


Because sometimes the need for an "emotional" connection is really a masquerade for some combination of:

1. husband no longer turns her crank
2. past resentments/hurts
3. new guy is exciting
4. club context = hookup culture (women are very, VERY contextual)
5. I want him -> I screw him -> I need a reason to cheat on my husband -> I don't have an emotional connection, therefore it's OK... the reason you're hearing is the justification, not the reason.

In my experience men understand what they want and are generally pretty clear about it. I want you -> try to get you into the sack.

Women have this "feeling" in the back of their head or in their loins and look for emotional or logical reasons that they should fill that need. Or why they already have.

Massive broadbrushing, but that's been my experience.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

marduk said:


> 4. club context = hookup culture (women are very, VERY contextual)


explain?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Interesting topic. I sort of swing both ways.
> 
> I don't necessarily need to feel those "in love" feelings when I am having sex with someone but I need to believe he at least cares about me and he treats me with respect inside and outside of the bedroom. That is the connection I really need. If we are having issues in our relationship, my body won't physically "function" well --- if you know what I mean! Some women have their own version of impotence. I'm one of them.
> 
> ...


As a guy I think this looks familiar. Men typically feel they are more detached when having sex and sometimes they are, but having causal sex can lead to emotional connection that was unintentional. Women want to exert this influence. They may go for the fling but after awhile they want the connection to develop.

Talking dirty is a kind of behavior that can be very exciting but at the same time can be degrading to women if it is actually misogynistic contempt rather just verbal hot sauce. Most women are really good at reading men.

You call her a horny slvt at the right moment and she gets off on it but after you've both cum she is waiting for tenderness and affection to balance out the dominance.

IrishGirlVA,

How long do you wait to get connection? If it's not coming, you break off the relationship even if you might want to more, correct?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> And why does that wife that's not having sex with her husband need an emotional connection, but when she was single and going to clubs she could have "just sex' with whoever she felt like?


I've had this thought before. Here we are fast approaching our 1 year anniversary of yet another round of celibacy. Thinking of getting her a card  It doesn't seem fair does it? I'm the guy who has promised to be there for her no matter what. We've built a home, a life and a family together. I've supported her financially for anything she's wanted to do. When she needs me I'm there. Yet she seems to have this never ending and ever changing list of conditions I have to meet for her to even want to sleep with me. She can't even explain them to me. If we divorce and she starts dating, there is a high probability she'll be sleeping with the guy by date #3 and he won't have done anything for her other than maybe take her out to dinner a couple of times.

Fair? Of course it is because there are no rules. She will sleep with him because she wants to, simple as that. She doesn't sleep with me because she doesn't want to. Her emotional connection with him will be that she feels good about herself when she's around him. She'll feel younger and attractive again. She won't see his flaws the way she would if she was married to him for 21 years. The chemicals will be flying. None of the other stuff will matter.

Obviously if that happens it will be hard for me to digest right away. Mostly though if we divorce, I hope she finds a guy who will bang her cross-eyed ... somebody who does it for her in a way that I haven't been able to in a long time if I even ever did. Maybe it will be an awakening for her. I'll be free to move on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My H has never fit the generalization about men, he needs the emotional connection...he has always said this....I love this about him though...I am also not the type who could do that either...so we were a good match... I am just too sensitive and romantically minded.. 

If I even tried, I believe it would F*** with my mind ...I'd want to attach myself to the man, then be very very VERY hurt when he walked away cause it was just a "romp" for him...



> *I don't know said: *I think "it's just sex" is just everyones (who uses it) way of minimizing what they did (not that it was nessicarily wrong). Sex isn't special. It's not to be respected or cherished or valued. Right?
> 
> Sex is tricky. It CAN be purely a physical act driven by biology. It can also be an expression of love of the utmost intimate nature. It's been both to me, but I much prefer the kind where you don't want to leave the room directly after it's over. Honestly, I wish I had valued emotional sex a little more when I was younger.


You sound more of a primarily Romantic lover NOW...Here are the 6 sexual views explained taken from one of my threads...

*** *Human sexuality can be viewed from 6 perspectives or* “*lenses*,” says Dr. Caroline J. Simon, professor of philosophy at Hope College, in Holland, MI. In more than 20 years of teaching classes in *sexual ethics*, she noticed that most textbooks described only two of them. She has broken these down (below) ....further explanation in her book >>

Bringing Sex into Focus: The Quest for Sexual Integrity .....

“Rival views of how sex matters in our pluralistic society often mean that there are few shared understandings, conventions or rules of engagement,” she says. “It is little wonder that there is so much pain arising from misunderstanding & so many disappointed expectations in the sexual realm.”



> *1. **Covenantal View* ~ "Become one flesh". : Sex forges a permanent bond between 2 people...a representation of God’s covenantal relationship, it is a life-uniting act.. the Becoming of "one flesh" meant for marriage only.... to take sex lightly is not only disloyal to one’s spouse but also an affront to God... why the Traditional Wedding ceremony contains the words, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”
> 
> *2. ** Procreative View* ~ "Be Fruitful & multiply" :The purpose of sex is to produce children...Thus sex must be heterosexual, genital & “embrace the hope of fruitfulness.” Also acknowledges that sexual relations that lack present enjoyment would hamper the marriage bond - whether they conceive or not.
> 
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> explain?


Why do you think single guys go to clubs?

Why do you think single girls go to clubs?

If you think married people go to clubs and don't secretly in the back of their mind totally innocently want to get checked out/hit on, I just don't know what to say.

When I go out with my buddies I go to a pub and sit at a table with the guys... and I've still had married women come and try to sit down with us.

My thinking? Men go to clubs to see women and to have fun. Women go to clubs to be seen by men and have fun.

Classic sexual displays.

Humans are humans.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

I can separate the two, I have had hook-ups and it was just to have fun.

I will say I have to be attracted to the hook-up but I don't need any other connection. I have not been single for a lot of years but I think I can say I feel the same way.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I've had this thought before. Here we are fast approaching our 1 year anniversary of yet another round of celibacy. Thinking of getting her a card  It doesn't seem fair does it? I'm the guy who has promised to be there for her no matter what. We've built a home, a life and a family together. I've supported her financially for anything she's wanted to do. When she needs me I'm there. Yet she seems to have this never ending and ever changing list of conditions I have to meet for her to even want to sleep with me. She can't even explain them to me. If we divorce and she starts dating, there is a high probability she'll be sleeping with the guy by date #3 and he won't have done anything for her other than maybe take her out to dinner a couple of times.
> 
> Fair? Of course it is because there are no rules. She will sleep with him because she wants to, simple as that. She doesn't sleep with me because she doesn't want to. Her emotional connection with him will be that she feels good about herself when she's around him. She'll feel younger and attractive again. She won't see his flaws the way she would if she was married to him for 21 years. The chemicals will be flying. None of the other stuff will matter.
> 
> Obviously if that happens it will be hard for me to digest right away. Mostly though if we divorce, I hope she finds a guy who will bang her cross-eyed ... somebody who does it for her in a way that I haven't been able to in a long time if I even ever did. Maybe it will be an awakening for her. I'll be free to move on.


JSGW, you seem like such a genuinely good person. I am sorry your wife is taking you for granted. You really are the model of doing the right thing by her and your kids. I'm sorry she does not have better values.

That said, maybe you could inspire some passion in her. Have you read neuklas's thread in SIM, I'm tired of trying? It might give you some ideas for how to shake things up. He seems to have had some pretty significant success over the last few days.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

My partner and I are both very similar on this issue regardless of gender. We both require an emotional connection for sex. I wouldn't be with him if he had ever had "casual" sex and vice versa.

In my opinion, sex is never actually casual. Mostly because the potential consequences of any sexual encounter are serious...ie, pregnancy, disease. It always cracks me up when some guy is complaining about the women he slept with "casually" got pregnant and he takes zero blame for it.

Anyway, I don't understand people who have flippant sexual encounters. I must admit that I can't help but to have negative connotations of people that engage in them. I would NEVER have a relationship with a man who I knew had casual sexual encounters. Mostly because I prefer men who have a high degree of respect for women.

Ultimately though, to each their own.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nikita2270 said:


> I must admit that I can't help but to have negative connotations of people that engage in them. I would NEVER have a relationship with a man who I knew had casual sexual encounters. Mostly because I prefer men who have a high degree of respect for women.
> 
> Ultimately though, to each their own.


Whoa there. I understand your thinking but please also understand mine.

I've had plenty of hookups. But don't confuse the me that was 17 or the me that was divorced and angry with the me that is happily married.

I love my wife more than anything, and I would never cheat on her. 

I can say that because I know exactly what meaningless sex is, and exactly what kind of fish I can catch out there in the gene pool. There's no magic there, there's no mystery there.

There's still magic and mystery in my marriage.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Sex is more than a mechanical act, otherwise, masturbation or sex toys would suffice in place of a partner. There is some kind of emotional component to real sex, an energetic exchange, shifts in power. However, it is entirely possible for that emotion to be something other than love. Lust and desire are important. Commitment is not always necessary. If I look at my own situation: I don't need to be loved or to love; what I need is to feel desired or to desire the object of my moment's affection. Women can have "just sex", too.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> So, I'm thinking, what's the story here? Do women NEED an emotional connection? Can they have JUST sex? Is the coventional wisdom so far off the mark? And why does that wife that's not having sex with her husband need an emotional connection, but when she was single and going to clubs she could have "just sex' with whoever she felt like?


I can't answer for all women, but from my own experience, I wanted a 'no strings' sexual relationship when I was trying to move on from a long term relationship. Honestly, it shocked me as I thought I would only want sex with someone I loved, but all I felt was attraction to the guy, and friendship, and absolutely no interest in a relationship. I've had no interest in casual sex with people I barely know, just this one time it was different, and I really think it was due to emotional turmoil. There was still a connection though, I liked him, he was a good friend for a time.

As for the connection with the husband, it has to be there for me because that's why I'm with him. If I wanted 'no strings' type sex with a guy, I wouldn't have gotten married. I expect and want that connection. I don't want meaningless sex, I'm beyond that point in my life. If things got so bad between us that I didn't feel a connection with DH, it'd be marriage counselling and serious relationship saving time.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> So I hear all the time that men only want sex, men will have sex with anything that's willing, etc. Also, women are the ones that are all about love and feelings. They need an emotional connection to have sex. This is often heard in sexless marriage advice, "Your wife needs top feel an emotional bond to you to want sex with you."
> 
> I know these are generalizations, but it's said often enough there should be some truth to it.
> 
> ...


Obviously that answer is going to be all over the place depending on how many women respond. 

It's complicated for me personally. I am capable of having JUST sex and have always been capable of that. My husband is actually incapable of having JUST sex so we're a little reversed as far as social stereotypes are concerned. 
The thing about having just sex with no emotional connection is there is nothing lasting about it.The high you get is fleeting and shallow. Emotional connection with sex gives me so much more.The high from it lasts and permeates my attitude toward life somehow...I smile easier,I think more positive,I'm more affectionate in general and I feel more caring toward everyone. Sounds weird but that's just me.

I need an emotional connection with my husband in order to have the kind of sex I want. I could have just sex with him but that isn't what I want. He couldn't perform anyway if we didn't have an emotional connection.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> So, I'm thinking, what's the story here? Do women NEED an emotional connection? Can they have JUST sex?


Anyone can JUST have sex. 
I personally prefer an emotional connection. There is simply no o o o o comparison when there's an emotional connection versus some random roll in the hay. 
Not even in the same stratosphere. Thing is, that emotional connection is way harder to come by (at least for me). Guess that is what makes it so special.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It comes down to the person. 

Most men are simply too embarrassed to admit their true feelings and hide them, most women are opposite.

In general, person can say whatever they want, until the actual act they will not know how they will feel afterwords.

It's safe to say that once intimate, feelings will creep up for most......and crucial steps of building proper relationship foundations will be missed........and red flags overlooked......and that's why I always say that it's best to wait as long as possible when it comes to intimacy.

Sooner you are intimate, the worse off you are (under assumption that both parties are looking for LTR of course)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> Most men are simply too embarrassed to admit their true feelings and hide them


Crazy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From what little I have seen from the porn world, heard about and read about hookers, evidently women can have a great time having sex for money. It always throws me when we read here that a wife can no longer have sex with her husband because she has lost her emotional connection..........at least with him.

So women can do it enthusiastically for money, have a wonderful one night stand but just as easily be totally unable to stand being with their husband of x # of years. Noe I get it.lol


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Having sex for money is their choice.They aren't doing it because a man is standing there begging for it or telling them it's their womanly duty to bang him. It's the woman's choice and that control over her own body is very alluring and erotic for some.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> From what little I have seen from the porn world, heard about and read about* hookers, evidently women can have a great time having sex for money*. *It always throws me when we read here that a wife can no longer have sex with her husband because she has lost her emotional connection*..........at least with him.
> 
> So women can do it enthusiastically for money, have a wonderful one night stand but just as easily be totally unable to stand being with their husband of x # of years. Noe I get it.lol


I would not at all compare a hooker/prostitute to a marriage. Not even in the same book. 

A woman who has sex for income/to pay bills is not doing it for emotional connectivity. She is getting paid for a service and that service includes appearing appear to "enjoy it" and being "enthusiastic." It is a job, like anything in entertainment.

I'm not sure why you can't fathom someone losing emotional connection with someone, even if they are married. It does happen. All the time. When people do not put forth the effort to show their partner their care and do not show love, that emotional connection is one of the first things that goes out the window--married or not.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Crazy.


Crazy me or crazy man? 

I noticed many are too macho and "manly" to do so......especially in front of their male friends etc.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

marduk said:


> Why do you think single guys go to clubs?
> 
> Why do you think single girls go to clubs?
> 
> ...


I get ya. My mind was going somewhere completely different with this yesterday. Can't remember exactly what I was thinking.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> Crazy me or crazy man?
> 
> I noticed many are too macho and "manly" to do so......especially in front of their male friends etc.


Lol. Not crazy you. Crazy the idea that men are too embarrassed to share/admit feelings. I think that is a sad way to live. 

Are you male or female?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Lol. Not crazy you. Crazy the idea that men are too embarrassed to share/admit feelings. I think that is a sad way to live.
> 
> Are you male or female?


:rofl::rofl::rofl: Sorry, back to the regular program.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My H has never fit the generalization about men, he needs the emotional connection...he has always said this....I love this about him though...I am also not the type who could do that either...so we were a good match... I am just too sensitive and romantically minded..
> 
> If I even tried, I believe it would F*** with my mind ...I'd want to attach myself to the man, then be very very VERY hurt when he walked away cause it was just a "romp" for him...
> 
> ...


That sounds about right. Probably some plain sex mixed in there too. Seems contradictory. I guess I prefer a strong emotional connection like I have with my W, but if that's not the case I can go without it. Wouldn't want it to be that way forever though. I'm sure a lot of people are like that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl: Sorry, back to the regular program.


I guess I don't see what's so funny about that post...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Anyone can JUST have sex.
> I personally prefer an emotional connection. There is simply no o o o o comparison when there's an emotional connection versus some random roll in the hay.
> Not even in the same stratosphere. Thing is, that emotional connection is way harder to come by (at least for me). Guess that is what makes it so special.


True, anyone CAN. 

I guess my confusion/confliction comes from people saying "I need a emotional connection to want sex" but they've had plenty of sex without a STRONG connection. But hell, I do the same thing. I do NEED that emotional bond. Even though I am capable of having no strings sex, I wouldn't want to do that for the rest of my life. That would be a very sad life for me.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that we're all human. There are times when we take what's there, because some kind of contact is better than none. Sometimes we stay in a relationship because we feel like it's "good enough" or "we can't do better."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I guess I don't see what's so funny about that post...


He's a pretty prolific poster who is quite dogged on some threads to the extent of having the OP request he leave them alone. I was amused that you haven't encountered his posts.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I've had this thought before. Here we are fast approaching our 1 year anniversary of yet another round of celibacy. Thinking of getting her a card  It doesn't seem fair does it? I'm the guy who has promised to be there for her no matter what. We've built a home, a life and a family together. I've supported her financially for anything she's wanted to do. When she needs me I'm there. Yet she seems to have this never ending and ever changing list of conditions I have to meet for her to even want to sleep with me. She can't even explain them to me. If we divorce and she starts dating, there is a high probability she'll be sleeping with the guy by date #3 and he won't have done anything for her other than maybe take her out to dinner a couple of times.
> 
> Fair? Of course it is because there are no rules. She will sleep with him because she wants to, simple as that. She doesn't sleep with me because she doesn't want to. Her emotional connection with him will be that she feels good about herself when she's around him. She'll feel younger and attractive again. She won't see his flaws the way she would if she was married to him for 21 years. The chemicals will be flying. None of the other stuff will matter.
> 
> Obviously if that happens it will be hard for me to digest right away. Mostly though if we divorce, I hope she finds a guy who will bang her cross-eyed ... *somebody who does it for her in a way that I haven't been able to in a long time if I even ever did.* Maybe it will be an awakening for her. I'll be free to move on.


This is the WORST thing about a spouce that loses attraction or cuts you off, I kills your confidence. I struggle with this still. My X was LD. Before her I was the king of fvck! I KNEW without a doubt I was the best anyone had ever had. LMAO. I'm sure I wasn't, but I FELT like I was. I had confidence. Having a wife (or husband) who doesn't desire you will kill that quick. I swear 90% of my RJ problems come from this new insecurity.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> I guess my confusion/confliction comes from people saying "I need a emotional connection to want sex" but they've had plenty of sex without a STRONG connection.


Ah, I see. Yeah, it just comes down to the individual. Some folks aren't into NSA/no emotions and others are fine with it. I personally am not into sex with randoms. It isn't really my thing.



Blondilocks said:


> He's a pretty prolific poster who is quite dogged on some threads to the extent of having the OP request he leave them alone. I was amused that you haven't encountered his posts.


I don't remember everyone's gender on TAM. Sometimes it's not as obvious. But see it adds to what he was saying since he has the actual male experience so maybe there is truth to what he says which makes it even sadder in my opinion. I think it would suck if you can't feel open about admitting to feelings in general as a male.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Lol. Not crazy you. Crazy the idea that men are too embarrassed to share/admit feelings. I think that is a sad way to live.
> 
> Are you male or female?


Male


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ugh,I am so over men who hide their emotions.If you don't have the strength and character to show me your soft underbelly then I don't have the time to deal with you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> This is the WORST thing about a spouce that loses attraction or cuts you off, I kills your confidence. I struggle with this still. My X was LD. Before her I was the king of fvck! I KNEW without a doubt I was the best anyone had ever had. LMAO. I'm sure I wasn't, but I FELT like I was. I had confidence. Having a wife (or husband) who doesn't desire you will kill that quick. I swear 90% of my RJ problems come from this new insecurity.


Yes, I struggled mightily with that. Looking back I should have recognized that there was a problem ... sex was just 'off' with her ... and it was unlike any of my previous experiences. When I met her I had just come out of a relationship with incredible sexual chemistry but no connection whatsoever ... her personality was like nails on a chalkboard. My wife was the opposite ... we had a connection right from the start. When I started becoming intimate with my (now) wife, I knew it wasn't great but I thought we'd learn each other over time and I would figure out the right buttons to push. It only got marginally better and I question whether she was interested in me sexually even from the start. It seems to me that there were other gaps in her life she was trying to fill and I did that for her. I think for her I represented stability and security that she never had in her broken home ... white picket fence. Right from the outset of our marriage I could seemingly do nothing right ... and it was a complete mystery to me what version of perfection she was expecting. She isn't the type to nag or get angry ... she is the type to say nothing and give the cold shoulder, leaving you guessing as to what today's issue is. Hard to have sex with someone who is giving you the cold shoulder. (I think I'd prefer the type to get angry, have a heated argument, and then have hot makeup sex  ) 


Over time, I definitely let it wear down my confidence to the point I just felt completely emasculated. It affected other areas of my life. She has no idea how hard that was. I'm past it. I'm sure that I'll be a little tentative at first if I get back in the game but I'll be fine. Some people just work better together than others and I am certain that while I may not be a match for some, there are some out there I will be a great match for.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> ugh,I am so over men who hide their emotions.If you don't have the strength and character to show me your soft underbelly then I don't have the time to deal with you.


There is a razors edge here, be sure of that.

Don't show emotions enough and you are perceived as distant, cold, and emotionless.

Show your emotions too much and you are a sad sack whiney git.

I've learned the hard way that 99% of my emotional state needs to be kept away from my wife. This is mostly the bumps and bruises and owies that occur from day to day. Bad day at work. I didn't like the look you just gave me. One of my investments went down. There's a spot of rust on the car. I'm working too hard.

That kind of stuff.

The 1% that is important I convey, but I either just state it once and leave it lie, or I state it and give an action plan for it.

"Babe, we took a pounding in the market this month. I'm transferring funds from X to Y and we need to push back getting that new SUV."

"Babe, I've had enough of your attitude. You're disrespectful and hurtful, and I need some space. See you when I get back."

Etc.

I've learned the hard way that it's better to err on the side of distant than to be perceived as weak... weak guys just aren't attractive, and that goes doubly so for whiney guys.

It's not just my wife; I've noticed that with the vast majority of women I've been with.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't understand why it has to be so black and white though. Just bc you show emotions doesn't mean you have to be whiny or weak. I am a very strong woman and I show my emotions freely with my spouse. He considers me the strongest woman he has ever met.
I'm thankful my husband trusts me enough to show his emotions despite his intimacy issues. 

Emotionally Open does NOT equal Weak and Whiny. 

Passive aggressive equals weak and whiny.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

I am so furious about men thinking if women sleep with someone, it must have been someone they knew or had feeling for. It makes me laugh soo badly. SOME women are like that. Some women have no idea what it is like in the real world. I for example need 0% emotions to sleep with someone. That's how i am. Men who think they are the only ones who can sleep with anyone they want are fools.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pattiroxxi said:


> SOME women are like that. *Some women have no idea what it is like in the real world.*


What is that supposed to mean?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Pattiroxxi said:


> I am so furious about men thinking if women sleep with someone, it must have been someone they knew or had feeling for. It makes me laugh soo badly. SOME women are like that. Some women have no idea what it is like in the real world. I for example need 0% emotions to sleep with someone. That's how i am. Men who think they are the only ones who can sleep with anyone they want are fools.


Why be furious about a minority who have a skewed sense of reality? Seems like a wasted emotion to me. As most female posters have stated, they can have sex without emotion but it isn't their preference. As a male, it isn't my preference either.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> What is that supposed to mean?



Some women have been raised with uptight rules and when you mention to them that men don't consider having sex a big deal they will be caught in shock. Most wives are lacking the ability to realize that having casual sex with many people is completely normal in today's society. I used to be like that. Such women are highly trusting, naive and don't understand what humans are like.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> ugh,I am so over men who hide their emotions.If you don't have the strength and character to show me your soft underbelly then I don't have the time to deal with you.


That made me cry. Hug me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MSP said:


> That made me cry. Hug me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> *Emotionally Open does NOT equal Weak and Whiny.
> *


:iagree:

I want to expound upon this... I want to use my Husband as an example here.. He is tipped Beta -which I always say.. but it's the GOOD BETA .. so for anyone reading, keep this in mind...

This man does not show weakness....He never complains...I whine.. he doesn't whine !!!..... he is always happy.... It's so bad that IF my husband complains he hurts, I damn well better listen....(he downplays).

One day after eating Chinese, he got sick.. said he felt really bad.. but not much else...just needed to lie down... he didn't tell me until months later, he wondered if he was going to Die that day.. I'm thinking.. I want to KILL YOU RIGHT NOW for not telling me the severity of how you was feeling!!.... IT WAS THAT BAD!! I really have to be careful with him..and be looking out for what he may be feeling...

In our past, he refused to show any negative complaining behavior when he wanted more sex.. I think it would have been better if he fought with me -at least...something! 

I've only seen him tear up at 2 Funerals - his Fathers and an old friend...Oh he comes home and lets out a hearty rant about his Boss or Co-worker dealings on occasion...some swear words flying.. It's so rare he does this ....I INVITE it.. I almost like to see him show some anger... I even ask about it...he really isn't one to complain.. he always comes through the door with a smile , a kiss and a HUG...he's brings us "the sunshine"...(Me, I probably bring more RAIN.. my kids would say in comparison)

We had a discussion one night how he is not comfortable complaining ..he feels a man should be strong minded.. be able to stand...it just looks bad...and he doesn't like to DO it.... it was a good talk... I really respected his take on that...

The discussion started over 2 male co-workers who were angry they didn't get honored /and a write up over a female employee.....they were whining so much about this, even to her face... making her feel so bad, she told him she wished she never got it, not worth it.. this infuriated my Husband , as this woman is a better worker than the 2 of them put together...and he let her know it too.... 

But anyway.. outside of this (the NEGATIVE complaining)... he is very Open & alive unto his "feel good" emotions with me...he will come home & tell me he heard a song at work/ on the way home... was thinking about me.. how much he loves me....makes me feel on top of the tallest mountain...

If My husband didn't have this... I would be feeling I was missing something very precious... so a man can have THIS side to him.. but also to NOT be a whiner / complainer... showing an onslaught of ugly passive aggressive behaviors...and Yes.. these things WOULD lower our attraction to him....


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

IMO a emotional connection and sex enhance each other but aren't necessarily entwined.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I am kinda struggling to understand the logic that dictates sex as just sex.
In fact, I don't think I know of anything that we do consciously as humans that we don't attach some emotional value to.

One of the things that makes us different from animals is that we have the capacity to place emotional attachment on things and experiences we have whether consciously or unconsciously.

An example is erotic dreams. 
We have no control over our dreams , and yet when we have an erotic dream , it actually _feels_ good, even though what we dreamed about is the complete opposite to the type of person we are and the values we hold.

Every single thing we do consciously has an emotional attachment to it. The area of our brain that makes sex pleasurable is also the area that generates our emotions.

In order to have sex without emotional attachment, we must first consciously detach ourselves from it, and that is easier said than done.

For example, I test drove a 2014 Mercedes Benz , 500 S- Class today , and even thought I tried to reassure myself that it's just a car, I felt a thrill driving it , certain emotions came over me and the salesgirl kept massaging my ego.

I was hooked.

But it was just a car, right?

Emotions aren't _that _simple.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Pattiroxxi said:


> Some women have been raised with uptight rules and when you mention to them that men don't consider having sex a big deal they will be caught in shock. Most wives are lacking the ability to realize that having casual sex with many people is completely normal in today's society. I used to be like that. Such women are highly trusting, naive and don't understand what humans are like.


Well if we really want to get down into understanding human beings, sex is just a means to procreate. If you aren't popping out babies, or maintaining a relationship, there's little actual reason to be having sex. Men figure they have a reason based on evolution for wanting sex with multiple partners - that being to impregnate as many females as possible in order to carry on the species. Women don't seem to have this to fall back on, but in theory we should. When we're not pregnant, why can't we be theoretically feeling the need to gather seed for human production?

As for just following social trends where everyone in theory should be fine with having sex for the sake of having sex, no emotional attachment required (that's just so yesterday), there's probably a few who just don't want to, and maybe that's more a case of personal preference rather than a fault in upbringing. People all around me were getting it on when I was a teen, lots of pressure, I had nothing to do with religion, guys saying to girls 'just have fun' etc. I had no desire to do it just because someone told me I should have sex because sex is fun. I saw plenty of these young women getting absolutely nothing out of it except some guy briefly liking them. Seemed a bit pointless to me. Figured if I was going to buck social trends and do what *I* wanted.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I don't understand why it has to be so black and white though. Just bc you show emotions doesn't mean you have to be whiny or weak. I am a very strong woman and I show my emotions freely with my spouse. He considers me the strongest woman he has ever met.
> I'm thankful my husband trusts me enough to show his emotions despite his intimacy issues.
> 
> Emotionally Open does NOT equal Weak and Whiny.
> ...


Help me understand.

I'm an empiricist. I trust the data, not the words. My wife says much the same thing.

However she only says much the same thing when I have my emotional filters/control going very strong, and that's when her attraction for me is high.

It's also when I can count on her emotional support when I really need it -- if it's pretty rare, and delivered with calm conviction.

When I let my bumps and bruises show, even for a day or two, I get an initially high level of support, which tapers pretty quickly... and the attraction plummets. I say this by reading her body language, gauging her response, and listening to how she talks about me to others.

It's not just my wife. It's most of my ex's too.

I've filed this under "I want to want an emotionally available spouse but I don't really want it except on rare occasions when I'll think it's cute."

Help me understand. I'm asking an honest question here.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> :iagree:
> This man does not show weakness....He never complains...I whine.. he doesn't whine !!!..... he is always happy.... It's so bad that *IF my husband complains he hurts, I damn well better listen....*(he downplays)...
> 
> *I've only seen him tear up at 2 Funerals - his Fathers and an old friend...Oh he comes home and lets out a hearty rant about his Boss or Co-worker dealings on occasion...some swear words flying.. It's so rare he does this ....I INVITE it..*
> ...


Yes, this is exactly what I meant. Thank you for this.

Not to not show any emotion. But to have pretty good emotional control and command of the situation.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Well..IMO, there's a big difference between making love and f*. And then, come to think about it, there's just plain "sex".

Being married once before..we never quite "had it" between the sheets so I'll call that sex. Friends with benies..I'll call that f*..and what me and my present hubby have..well that's called, "making love with a whole lotta "lotta"..
HA!!


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Do women NEED an emotional connection? Can they have JUST sex?


YES.



I just don't think it's that black and white. We can all compartmentalize. I've never been big on casual sex. No, I don't feel like I need to wait for marriage or meet my "soul-mate schmoopie" but I do take STDs and the possibility of pregnancy into consideration... is this the kind of person I want in my life forever? Is this someone I admire and want to be like.... that's most of the time.

However, when we separated, although there was a history between us (and two kids) my spouse and I hooked up for casual sex months before deciding to try and reconcile. To me, it WAS _just _sex, not making love and I was furious with him... However also horny and it was better the devil I knew than someone I didn't. 

It was that experience that taught me I was just as capable of compartmentalizing sex as he was. It was, a "wham bam, thank you man. Now GTFO of my house before our son wakes up." totally messed up kind of time....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> YES.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


As a man who has never had casual encounters and needs that connection, what you describe in having sex with you seperated husband...sounds just like what my STBW has said about sleeping with her ex husband well after their divorce, and given their history, and my lack of ability to compartimentalize the way you describe, boy it makes it difficult to sometimes accept that there isn't still some type of connection there. I mean, the guy was verbally, physically, sexually abusive, serial cheat, and she still went back for "just sex" and I think she used your exact words..."the devil you know"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

marduk said:


> Help me understand.
> 
> I'm an empiricist. I trust the data, not the words. My wife says much the same thing.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't know how to make you understand,I'm not disputing what you're saying at all by the way. I can't argue with your experience. Reading this sort of makes me feel isolated and separate from other women. 

It's really hard for me to understand why a woman or many women would be more attracted to someone emotionally unavailable. The only thing I could think of as a reason for it being more attractive is maybe when the man is emotionally available he shows it by being a whiny fussy cry baby. 

Maybe I'm just a weirdo in the crowd bc I LOVE when my husband is emotionally open.He's not weak,whiny,or anything negative. When he's showing me his vulnerable emotional side I literally could melt. I crave it. It draws me closer and gets me hot. I can't be the only one who thinks that way.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Let me add my:scratchhead:. Why do some men claim they need to have sex with their wives to feel connected and keep their connection to them and yet when they're caught cheating they claim it was just sex? Obviously, they are not thinking this through as the wife could simply point out 'it's just sex' the next time he gets amorous.


While I don't agree with infidelity this really can be two different things for a lot of men. I need a healthy sexual relationship with my SO to feel connected to her. Just the way I work. But I have been capable, in the past, of having no strings attached sex. No emotion involved just the act of pleasure. They are the same act but done much differently on the emotional side


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> For example, I test drove a 2014 Mercedes Benz , 500 S- Class today , and even thought I tried to reassure myself that it's just a car, I felt a thrill driving it , certain emotions came over me and the salesgirl kept massaging my ego.
> 
> I was hooked.
> 
> ...


Drive enough other nice cars and, yes, it's just a car.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jld said:


> JSGW, you seem like such a genuinely good person. I am sorry your wife is taking you for granted. You really are the model of doing the right thing by her and your kids. I'm sorry she does not have better values.
> 
> That said, maybe you could inspire some passion in her. Have you read neuklas's thread in SIM, I'm tired of trying? It might give you some ideas for how to shake things up. He seems to have had some pretty significant success over the last few days.


It's all good. 

I think that part of our relationship is a lost cause. I REALLY focused last year on trying to improve that aspect of our marriage with very limited success ... nothing sustainable.

I miss having an intimate relationship. Yes, obviously I miss the sex but really at this point I just miss being touched and having somebody want me to be close to them. I'm ok though and it really is time to be confident in my choices and just focus on what I do have in my life instead of what I don't. Good things tend to happen when you do that


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MSP said:


> Drive enough other nice cars and, yes, it's just a car.



Lol,

Yes, you got it!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> So I hear all the time that men only want sex, men will have sex with anything that's willing, etc. Also, women are the ones that are all about love and feelings. They need an emotional connection to have sex. This is often heard in sexless marriage advice, "Your wife needs top feel an emotional bond to you to want sex with you."
> 
> I know these are generalizations, but it's said often enough there should be some truth to it.
> 
> ...


For most women that statement is true and for most men it is also true. Take 21 and under out of the equation though.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

*Re: Re: It was just sex. What gives?*



samyeagar said:


> As a man who has never had casual encounters and needs that connection, what you describe in having sex with you seperated husband...sounds just like what my STBW has said about sleeping with her ex husband well after their divorce, and given their history, and my lack of ability to compartimentalize the way you describe, boy it makes it difficult to sometimes accept that there isn't still some type of connection there. I mean, the guy was verbally, physically, sexually abusive, serial cheat, and she still went back for "just sex" and I think she used your exact words..."the devil you know"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The entire thing was bizarre to me and unlike me. I have never been promiscuous. I have a moderate to high drive but keep my sex within monogamous relationships. Given that I was single/separated for eleven months... needs were unmet and standards were lowered lol... (as for the emotional connection prereq for sex goes). 

I had a lot of feelings about my then ex at the time - hurt, frustration, anger etc. being the main ones. Difficult to explain and I‘m sure to understand, it was like pressing pause on a remote as far as those feelings went. We would have sex and once it was over, back to business as usual.

As to the “devil you know“ it was truly better IMO. To me it wasn‘t as risky as sleeping with a stranger. There was also the benefit of having a shared sexual history together. I knew what worked for him sexually and he knew me/my body and what worked for me. There was no learning curve to pleasuring each other like in the beginning of relationships. It feels silly to use the term “efficient“ here but it somehow fits as far as orgasms/quality sex was concerned. Also since we already had two kids together, worrying about being stuck with having him in my life for life (because of a pregnancy) was a non-issue.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> So I hear all the time that men only want sex, men will have sex with anything that's willing, etc. Also, women are the ones that are all about love and feelings. They need an emotional connection to have sex. This is often heard in sexless marriage advice, "Your wife needs top feel an emotional bond to you to want sex with you."
> 
> I know these are generalizations, but it's said often enough there should be some truth to it.
> 
> ...



Me personally, I need that emotional connection when having sex with my wifee. I can't just use her for sex and then go away. I love the cuddling and some foreplay beforehand and a little talking. Just me.

I have never done a one night stand or gone to clubs to meet some hotties for a night of sex and then just leave the next morning. This may sound weird but its just wrong to me and I can't do it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> The entire thing was bizarre to me and unlike me. I have never been promiscuous. I have a moderate to high drive but keep my sex within monogamous relationships. Given that I was single/separated for eleven months... needs were unmet and standards were lowered lol... (as for the emotional connection prereq for sex goes).
> 
> I had a lot of feelings about my then ex at the time - hurt, frustration, anger etc. being the main ones. Difficult to explain and I‘m sure to understand, it was like pressing pause on a remote as far as those feelings went. We would have sex and once it was over, back to business as usual.
> 
> As to the “devil you know“ it was truly better IMO. To me it wasn‘t as risky as sleeping with a stranger. There was also the benefit of having a shared sexual history together. I knew what worked for him sexually and he knew me/my body and what worked for me. There was no learning curve to pleasuring each other like in the beginning of relationships. It feels silly to use the term “efficient“ here but it somehow fits as far as orgasms/quality sex was concerned. Also since we already had two kids together, worrying about being stuck with having him in my life for life (because of a pregnancy) was a non-issue.


That is almost verbatim the rationale my STBW used in explaining things about why she kept going back to her ex for sex. Myself, I have absolutely no frame of reference for that, no common ground to understand. I have accepted it and take it for what it is, and don't doubt her loyalty, fidelity and desire for me in the least, but...at the same time, it sends a message that her connection to him was so strong, that his hold over her was so complete that he could treat her that way, and she'd still come back for more. That he was that good in bed., his d1ck was so good as to overcome all the bad...it just makes it a bit more difficult to believe her at times when she says that I am better.

You've heard of men being pu$$y whipped, and this describes a woman who is d1ck whipped in the extreme.

ETA: I think in a way, it also devalues her sex in that it is something she actively pursued with her ex...oddly enough, perhaps the most reassuring thing she said to me when we were first going through her history with her ex was that if she and I ever broke up, even if I had cheated on her, she'd still be after me to get laid any chance she got and wouldn't bother messing with anyone else...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> That is almost verbatim the rationale my STBW used in explaining things about why she kept going back to her ex for sex. Myself, I have absolutely no frame of reference for that, no common ground to understand. I have accepted it and take it for what it is, and don't doubt her loyalty, fidelity and desire for me in the least, but...*at the same time, it sends a message that her connection to him was so strong, that his hold over her was so complete that he could treat her that way, and she'd still come back for more. That he was that good in bed., his d1ck was so good as to overcome all the bad...it just makes it a bit more difficult to believe her at times when she says that I am better.*
> 
> You've heard of men being pu$$y whipped, and this describes a woman who is d1ck whipped in the extreme.
> 
> ETA: I think in a way, it also devalues her sex in that it is something she actively pursued with her ex...oddly enough, perhaps the most reassuring thing she said to me when we were first going through her history with her ex was that if she and I ever broke up, even if I had cheated on her, she'd still be after me to get laid any chance she got and wouldn't bother messing with anyone else...


Yes sir. That's exactly the message I'd take from that too. I don't know that my W ever went back for sex. I'll never ask, because that..I just don't think I could handle that. Even still the fact that she stayed with him when he serial cheated and treated her like crap, makes me think he must have been something else. She swears it wasn't good. It was 2 minutes and he was done, but she kept doing it. She stayed. So part of me always wonders. It obviously wasn't the way he treated her that kept her there, so what was it?

Blah...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Yes sir. That's exactly the message I'd take from that too. I don't know that my W ever went back for sex. I'll never ask, because that..I just don't think I could handle that. Even still the fact that she stayed with him when he serial cheated and treated her like crap, makes me think he must have been something else. She swears it wasn't good. It was 2 minutes and he was done, but she kept doing it. She stayed. So part of me always wonders. It obviously wasn't the way he treated her that kept her there, so what was it?
> 
> Blah...


Yeah, don't ask...when I asked my STBW, I pretty much knew the answer given what I knew of their history. Honestly, I think it was harder on her to tell me than for me to hear the answer. I just wanted to know how deep things ran with him. It caused a pretty rough patch of ED. About all she could say about why, other than it was easier and safer than picking up a random guy was that she was just in a really messed up mental place

The thing is, this is the type of thing that triggers retroactive jealousy, past behaviors that don't fit. That raise the very legitimate questions of just what did he have... Oh, and my STBW said the same thing about her ex as well...it wasn't all that great, and she expected me to belive her....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Yep. Why is it that the official version of their life together never quite matches the little details you learn later? Why, if you were so unhappy, did you feel the need to post how wonderful and amazing he was on your FB page at least once a week? Why didn't you delete those posts when you finally left? Why did you finally leave? Was it because you didn't love him anymore or because you couldn't take being hurt anymore? Why argue over a t-shirt when I say I'm not happy you kept it? If it's really just a shirt, burn it, trash it, whatever. I would have done that for you no questions asked. But you fought it. You kept saying how rediculous it was that I was upset by a shirt. Why did you keep his last name after the divorce? You had no kids together. Oh, and the sex wasn't great, but you started as FWB. Why FWB with a bad lay?

Venting. Doesn't help. Maybe even makes it worse. Sigh.


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