# Long Road to Rebuild Trust



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

What a roller coaster! Week before last was one of the worst I've had in about a year. But seems when I go through those periods I heal more. Like it needs to fester first so more healing can happen...is that strange? 

I think part of the issue is trying to do this alone. My H has been really supportive and worries about how I will/if I will continue to manage these issues. He will not initiate conversation on that topic but will ask what's on my mind if it appears something is. But never talks about what's on his mind. He does but about things that are not difficult. Like he talks about his day at work, a tv program, his thoughts politics things like that but not how he feels. Maybe this is just guys and he's no different :scratchhead: I do realize its a mistake to do it without counseling. We are healing but its been a bumpier road and I've had no one to talk to except him. To me it seems obvious we could benefit from a counselor. We started with one but things were going so well he suggested we quit and I agreed but I'm not ok. Anyway, I know I have to be responsible for myself so I'm thinking about seeing a therapist on my own (no I won't suggest marriage counseling to my H, I feel like he only went to begin with because he knew it was the only way and jump at first chance to stop.)

Last January I did make the mistake in a weak moment of opening up to a "Friend". We met some new friends a couple that lives nearby with kids around our kids age. We got close really fast, and I just loved hanging out with them. I looked forward to it and it seemed like a good friendship and a fresh start. It wasn't her that I confided in but her sister in law in a weak moment and something she said caught me off guard so I never meant to admit it. Anyway, I asked her not to tell anyone. sure she said. Well she did, seems the entire circle knows and have been talking about us behind our backs for months and the couple that brought us in to their circle of friends found out last. He had too much to drink at his birthday party a couple of weeks back and not only confronted me (H was not there, he was working) but also made a pass at me. He was so angry when I wanted nothing to do with him and he kept telling me "if I ever cheated on my wife it would be with you". A couple of the guys had to intervene and I left in tears...feeling violated if that's the right word and so angry for being weak. It brought up old memories too like why didn't I just smack the OW when she kept coming over to my house (supposedly as a friend even when I asked H to stop seeing her) At the party why didn't I smack him??? I hate weakness...

His wife had gone to bed and I'm sure she heard whole story from the other girl there but funny thing is she is avoiding ME. He tried to come over next day to apologize...H was out so I sure wouldn't answer the door. H did talk to him and he only admitted to getting really aggressive with me and not backing off when I asked him to but failed to mention the groping..he did say he drank way too much and did cross a line and hoped I would forgive him. I haven't and will probably not talk to them again. 

Needless to say friendship over and truth is none of them really were our friends or they wouldn't talk behind our backs and he scares me. But in a way it made me really sad because for awhile I at least thought they were real friends. This all happened during the down period but I got through and feel stronger this week. Its just another loss I feel. 

Although life has taught me a lesson...there are very few people if any you can truly trust. I'll never confide in someone again and not sure if I will fully trust H again. I believe that I could have if he came forward and confessed to me, but instead I had to catch him. Then once caught when I asked him to hold nothing back, he held a lot back and lied for months. So the foundation of trust has to be built more on time and showing me he's in it for the long haul. I don't think that will take months, I think it will take years. But, I am coming to accept that and learn patience.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

AZMOM, 

Your husbands lack of open emotion and comming to you about what is on his mind is slowing down the process of rebuilding trust. You need to know that you understand each other again, and when he holds back or colors his responces to avoid hurting your feelings it feels like dishonesty. 

Lack of communication, not knowing what the other is going through, is what got my marriage into trouble and when I dont feel like we are communicating honestly now I slip into a feedback of doubt. Doubt about my spouse, the relationship, and what my options really are. We need to be brutally honest with each other, even if it hurts. 

I had a talk with my wife about the doubt that had come rushing back after 6 months of having it under control, and I felt better. The next day though my wife looked up some of my posts, particularly the one where I said I would not have got married if I knew what was comming and she was crushed, she cried all day till I got home from work, and then we had another long talk. I did not back down on what I had wrote, without the kids there is no way I would still be here, and I told her that without the kids she wouldn't be either, and she knew it. I had to tell her that although I talk about my doubts, she had actually gone outside our marriage and acted on her impulses, so she had no right to doubt me. No matter what I talked about, my actions were never anything but of loyalty and putting her first. I told her we both needed to find forgiveness for each other and start building a new love together. It felt good to see how wmotional she got over it, how much she wanted this to work. 

She is afraid I will leave her, and I told her that we are both going to do the best we can by each other. If she cheats again I will leave, if I start to ignore her again I expect her to leave too, noone should put themselves into misery just to stay married. We have a responsibility to ourselves to try to make our lives the best they can be, to to stay with someone out of blind devotion or "its ment to be". We have been really good since then, like we got the poison out and now we can start healing again, and we will be more willing to talk if things build up again, so I am hopeful for the future.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

The only way to keep a secret is to not tell anyone. That makes affairs tough to deal with. You need someone to talk with, but don't know who you can trust.

I'm brutally honest. My wife read my 'welcome' post on this forum where I spilled everything. I don't want her finding it by accident. After an affair, what is there to be ashamed of? Nothing. Honesty is always the best policy. I just say what I think and let other people deal with the consequences.

My wife asked me a couple of weeks ago if I thought she was pretty. She isn't. So I told her. It hurt, but she knew the answer before she asked and if I had said yes then it would have damaged her trust in me. But now she knows I will speak the truth.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

AZMom,

I can understand how hard it is for you to rebuild trust in your husband after all the half-truths, lies and omissions after d-day. 

Something I learned as I have struggled to move on from what my husband did is to learn how to trust myself again, I know, cliche but it is true and something I have realized recently.

I knew something was wrong when my H was involved his A...of course, I still trusted him too much to believe that he was having an affair. However, my instincts were screaming at me that something was seriously wrong. 

Never again will I trust my H more than I trust myself. Of course, my H did and still does have to rebuild trust with me but some of it is has to come from me. My instincts served me so well last year when my husband went off the deep end. 

Trusting myself first has allowed me to move forward in my marriage. And yes it still hurts...but I don't worry about what he is doing when he is out of communication with me for a few hours or is in a grumpy mood.

Sure, he could probably fool me for a little while if he was really clever, but I think my instincts would catch up pretty quickly. And if he was screwing around again, I would know better than to trust him more than me. 

It was a hard lesson to learn but I will always trust myself first from now on.

Hope this helps!


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