# A long 20 months



## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

Hello All. I just found this website a week ago so this is my introductory post. I felt I would post a my story and see what the responses are if any. I don't know if I'm really asking a question here, seeking help, or just getting it out there. Here it goes. 

I am 43 and have been married 20 years, 17 yo son and 14 yo daughter. Neither of us had prior marriages or other kids. My wife told me she wanted out of our marriage after a significant fight approximately 20 months ago. To make a long story short she stated she hadn't loved me for 15 years, and this fight was the straw that made her feel "done". Up until this point I knew we had problems but had no idea she felt that way. I spent the next 18 months doing everything I could to save the marriage. Counseling for her, for me, together, vacations, a new ring, new car, remodeled the house, everything I could possibly do. She then quit going to her personal counselor, and our marriage counselor. I'm still seeing my counselor, journaling, reading self help books, getting my life right with God (trying too anyway) and continuing to address my issues I brought to the table. I can only work on me as I carry most of the blame for making her feel the way she did. 

I've also dealt with the possibility of another man in the picture but have not found any proof of a physical affair. There is evidence of an emotional affair prior to our fight, and really at this point, it is what it is. I can't stop her feeling one way or another about anyone. 

I do feel she brought baggage into the marriage which she refuses to deal with or simply will not as she won't continue counseling. One of the biggest problems is stuffing how she feels and why. She felt she could not tell me anything about how she felt. She actually became angry I wanted to salvage the marriage because she felt for years I would agree to a divorce. Now she is angry I didn't change when it mattered, and now it's too late. Well, how can a person change when it matters when they don't know there is a problem to begin with? Most guys need to be told clearly there is a problem. "Honey, if we don't get this problem fixed I'm going to divorce you." These clear, consise, unambiguous words were all I would have needed. Thirteen words could have prevented the last 20 months of hell we have both endured along with the trauma our families are experiencing. I also understand the hurt feelings people have are complicated and don't necessarily allow a clear statement about issues. Having said that, does not saying anything really make it easier in the long run? Just a rhetorical question I quess... Anyway... during this time I went through the raw emotional pain, confusion, which way is up feelings, tears, etc., that I've read others experience on this forum.

After all this she still wants to separate because she still doesn’t love me. She stated she's not ready to divorce but feels separation it the only thing we haven't tried yet. I agreed to separate after she agreed the goal of this separation was to reconcile the marriage. We agreed there would be no dating, unless with each other, that she would seek help for herself, individual counselor, and then at some point we could work on us. (I'm skeptical) We also agreed that she needs to make a decision within the next six months. I also stated I'm not going to initiate dating or the pursuit of her affection. I just did that for 18 months and she rejected it all. I told her if she wanted me, she knows where I am and I'm waiting. I don't know if this is the right thing to do but it feels right. We'll see. 

It's now been about two weeks since she's been out. With the exception of the loneliness and the fact that life once again has changed, I am doing all right. Sometimes I feel I should feel worse with her gone, but I'm surviving ok. Just not having the tension in the house is a blessing. When my kids are here we can relax and have some fun without any tension. I count my blessings because there is no vindictiveness or maliciousness between us, financial trap doors, or manipulation of the kids by either of us at this point. I pray this continues.

I feel guilty because I feel like I need to start preparing for life without my spouse, and to some degree I have. Just from what I've researched on my own, the chances of us making it work are not favorable. Do I put off thinking about life without her, or wait this out? Regardless I'm buying a motorcycle I've wanted for ten years, and I'm gonna ride it! I'm also continuing my counseling to continue addressing my baggage that is negative to me, my kids, and any future relationship I may have. Don't get me wrong, I still hurt, cry, and want for my family to survive. I pray for this daily. In the end though, she has free will to move on. God will not interfere with her choice and neither can I. Maybe I'm seeing a light at the end of two different tunnels now instead of just a big dark hole. One tunnel may lead to reconciliation, one may be to a future with someone else. We'll see.


----------



## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Hi Andy,
Your story sounds very similiar to mine. My husband told me about 7 weeks ago after a big fight we had that he wants a separation. We have been married almost 18 years and have and 16 y/o daughter and 14 year old son. He says he doesn't love me and feels he needs to be alone for now. This all came out of left field for me. I had no idea it was coming. 

I begged and pleaded for counseling, which he denied. He just wanted out. There is no OW as far as I know, but I would not rule out an online affair. I have no proof.

Evidentally, I wasn't affectionate and didn't show him enough love throughout our marriage. I didn't know he felt this way. I admit I am the type of person that has my guard up. I know I had to work on that....and still do. 

We have been living under the same roof for almost two months. He finally moved out last night. The tension has been lifted, but I am still very sad. I was a total mess for a long time. I started taking antidepressants which I think are helping.

He just recently started mentioning interest in seeing a counselor. He now is willing to see what it is all about to see if we can get help with our relationship. I agreed so at least I know if it doesn't work out, that we tried everything. We will see how that goes.

I know how you feel about how things could have been salvaged early on if they just said what was bothering them. It is so frustrating. I am sorry you are going through this. We are all here for support. I hope your wife comes to her senses and realizes what is at stake here. 20 years is as long time to just throw out the window. Just hope for the best and prepare for the worst. 


Oh and have fun with that new motorcycle!!!


----------



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

My situation is also very similar to yours. Married 23 going in 24 years. He left last summer saying he had taken all that he could and didn't have anything left to give the marriage. I shoulder a good deal of the blame for our problems. I've dealt with depression all of my life and sadly he got the brunt of my horrible mood swings and general bad mood. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that at times eats at my insides. 

We've been separated for 10 months and though, like you, there is no maliciousness or fighting, we've gotten along great I think, I don't think our outcome is going to be a positive one. We socialize with a small group of mutal friends, who all believe he really doesn't want to be divorced. I have hung on to these small tidbits of hope, but I think it's time that I let those go. Its just so hard, and my heart breaks all over again. There are days, like today, where I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up in the morning. I can't see myself alone or with anyone else. I just eant the pain to end already.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Do I put off thinking about life without her, or wait this out?


 Hope for life in the future with her (if that is what you want), but prepare for life without her.

You sound to me as though you are adjusting well. You are continuing your personal growth which can only benefit you, your children and the future relationships in your life (either with your wife or with someone else.)

Hang in there, enjoy your kids, and enjoy your new motorcycle!


----------



## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

Jenny123. "This all came out of left field for me. I had no idea it was coming." 

Left field is right. It took me six months to even get my head around what was going on. It took alot of counseling and self reflection to look back in hindsight and see the signs were there, the indications were loud and clear. I can look back and see my behavior that contributed. I resolved to work on my issues. I guarantee my spouse or the next women in my life is getting a different me. My wife even told me I'm going to make some women a great husband. I'm still not sure how to even take that compliment. I want to say thanks and then hurl at the same time. 

Jenny123. "Evidentally, I wasn't affectionate and didn't show him enough love throughout our marriage."

Jenny that was one of my biggest problems. Due to past experiences, I was always on guard, hardly affectionate. My wife stated she felt she was just a piece of a$$ for me. That one hurt deep. 

I hope you and your husband start counseling and I wish you success. 


Just above water: "I can't see myself alone or with anyone else. I just want the pain to end already." 

I felt just that for probably a year. It wasn't until about 8 months ago I began to think about the possibility of someone else. My guilt and pain at my failures still eats at me as well, but there is a future with someone else if you want it. I guess if I can encourage you the days you feel like just wanting to sleep will at some point start to diminish. Sometimes a bad day will just happen and you just have to deal with it, but time does heal. Hang in there.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy968 said:


> Jenny123. "This all came out of left field for me. I had no idea it was coming."
> 
> Left field is right. It took me six months to even get my head around what was going on. It took alot of counseling and self reflection to look back in hindsight and see the signs were there, the indications were loud and clear. I can look back and see my behavior that contributed. I resolved to work on my issues. I guarantee my spouse or the next women in my life is getting a different me. My wife even told me I'm going to make some women a great husband. I'm still not sure how to even take that compliment. I want to say thanks and then hurl at the same time.
> 
> ...



Andy: Still another situation analagous to yours if you take the time to read my posts. It was my wife's rich idea of a "trial separation" that was effectively offered, but with little to no communication offered up by her; the separation has been greatly amplified for over a year now. With rare exception, separation holds precious little hope for either party. Like you, with hind sight being 20-20, I greatly suspect the absolute minimum of a EA on her part, with a full-blown liklihood of a PA, even before I was cast out of her life. But I have a way too much of "an-all-too-believing" and trusting nature, and have richly seen that turned into sheer gullability on my part.

Welcome to TAM! Hate to see you here, but you've definitely come to the right place. Please holler at us if you should have any questions or just want to get something off of your chest!


----------



## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

Thanks Arbitrator. There is evidence of an EA, and I have not been able to prove a PA, almost wish I could. I have several friends that also have said the same thing you are. TAM has been great. I sure wish I had known about this site when my life blew up. Talk about a life ring in a raging storm.


----------

