# how do you handle your frustration with your spouse?



## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Really? I would appreciate some feed back on this. :scratchhead: Thanks!

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## sunshine31 (Feb 1, 2010)

Seems like an anonymous forum is a good place to go!  Seriously though, when i'm frustrated or confused it is nice to go someplace and see that other people have similar issues and thoughts. Since I don't like to really talk with family and friends about personal issues because I don't want them to think ill of my spouse, I'll do stuff like this.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Yep, I agree. I like this site a lot.


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

Try communicating with them openly, honestly and respectfully.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

It might help if we had an "idea" of the sort of frustration you mean. Is it "he makes this BLECH noise when he slurps his runny nose" irritation or "He won't stop going out with his buddies like he's a single man" anger? There is a little bit of a difference. 

Either way, it would work to do what I can W-T-F-S. That's initials for "When you ___, I Think ___, I Feel ___, So I'm going to ask ___." 

So let's pretend it's making a blech noise when he slurps his runny nose. 

"When you make that sucky slurp sound when you inhale your congested nose, I think it is fairly rude and not really all that courteous, I feel grossed out and a little like you're treating me with polite manners, and so I'd like to ask if you'd blow your nose instead of suck or possibly if you'd go to the bathroom to do it or let me know ahead of time so I can leave the room. Any one of those three would work for me a little better. Would you be willing to do that?" 

See, this way you tell 'em what the trouble is, what you think and feel, and ask for a solution that would actually be okay with you. Now they may say yes smthumbup or they may say no--in which case just ask them what they would suggest or how they'd solve it and keep negotiating until you get something you're both okay with.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> It might help if we had an "idea" of the sort of frustration you mean. Is it "he makes this BLECH noise when he slurps his runny nose" irritation or "He won't stop going out with his buddies like he's a single man" anger? There is a little bit of a difference.
> 
> Either way, it would work to do what I can W-T-F-S. That's initials for "When you ___, I Think ___, I Feel ___, So I'm going to ask ___."
> 
> ...


It's all about the delivery of the words. If my wife said that I would think she is pissed because we don't talk to each other that way.

It would be more like "Honey, quit that.....ehhhh....and she would make a face" and then say "but I still love you..." and then I would slap her on the butt and say something cheesy.

The result would be I wouldn't do it again, but I think I rate extremely high on being ultra observant to my wife's needs.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Harvard said:


> how do you handle your frustration with your spouse? I would appreciate some feed back on this. :scratchhead:


 I personally take it directly to him, I do not wait for the right time or the right words, I just put it out there, lay it on the table & be open/honest/even raw. Probably not the best advice for some -as timing & our frame of mind might need a little adjustment before we unload our frustrations on another. 

Luckily, my husband well understands me and is pretty cool with my "direct" approach. 

I am the type if I do not unload what is starting to eat at me when I feel something is "building", I risk becoming like a living volcano and the unleashing/eruption after I have allowed myself to fester is MUCH WORSE than just going to him when I first start to feel any kind of "unpleasant-ness" due to something he said, did, or some irritation that is affecting "us". 

He, on the other hand, might fester a little before coming to me- he is not as direct, but I can always tell if something is bothering him and I make it my immediate goal to sit him down & we discuss. 

Communication is simply vital & life saving. 

The give & take of sharing how you are feeling -even the bad(without personal attack)-because of what he/she did or didn't do and truly listening from their perspective -as well. 

Nothing better in life - except maybe sex .


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I personally take it directly to him, I do not wait for the right time or the right words, I just put it out there, lay it on the table & be open/honest/even raw. Probably not the best advice for some -as timing & our frame of mind might need a little adjustment before we unload our frustrations on another.


I agree with everything you said in theory but... Gosh I wish I could do this! You make it sound so simple  I'm always weighing things in my head before discussing with H and by the time I'm done weighing things out I never address it but it almost always comes back to haunt me. 



Harvard said:


> Really? I would appreciate some feed back on this. :scratchhead: Thanks!


As I said, the direct communicative approach is best I think. As for how I handle it, as stated I usually weigh out everything in my mind. What made me frustrated? Why did it make me frustrated? Am I justified in being frustrated? Can I just let it go and move on? This is not a process I recommend


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Communicating. . . when/if that doesn't work, cajoling. . . then anger. . . suggestions of counseling. . . leaving. 

If you are already at the frustration/anger stage and tried the former, it's time for counseling. Good luck.

ps: My post is a reflection of what often happens. Ideally, you'd head to counseling immediately if honest communication doesn't work, but most people don't. We should!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WantsHappiness said:


> I agree with everything you said in theory but... Gosh I wish I could do this! You make it sound so simple  I'm always weighing things in my head before discussing with H and by the time I'm done weighing things out I never address it but it almost always comes back to haunt me.


Question: *Why does it come back to haunt YOU*? Is it because YOU end up getting too frustrated & eventually erupt - on him ? (like I would describe myself if I kept it in) or HE gets frustrated because YOU are clamming up -and he would rather KNOW where your mind is, he is secure enough to deal with anything you can throw at him? If so, trust him in that. 

I think HOW we deal with our spouses has ALOT to do with how they might respond also, no one wants to end up in the doghouse for the next week or so or bring on World War III. 

IF you know your husband gets MORE frustrated with "clamming"/silent treatment behavior, then by all means -Do EVERYTHING in your power to become more OPEN with him-and more quickly, let things out to help him understand your world, even little things you may think are insignificant. 

But then IF Being genuinely Open/honest/constructively critical will result in his getting "Offended", this is more tricky, some spouses will throw these little frustrations we share back in our faces in future fights - and never let it die. That is something to consider also. For these spouses, we need to weigh our words incredably carefully & timely. 

To me, this would be SOOOOO much more difficult to deal with. That really has little to do with you though and how you share your pain, it is more a reflection on the spouse who can not handle "the truth" or want to work on getting along better. I feel bad for anyone who has a spouse they have to literally "walk on egg shells" in order to keep the peace, that alone would be a form of pent up frustration for many. 

Half of the battle is over if you come to the place you both are bound & determined to openly share -with understanding - all that is on your hearts & minds, all your frustrations, all your joys.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Question: *Why does it come back to haunt YOU*? Is it because YOU end up getting too frustrated & eventually erupt - on him ? (like I would describe myself if I kept it in) or HE gets frustrated because YOU are clamming up -and he would rather KNOW where your mind is, he is secure enough to deal with anything you can throw at him? If so, trust him in that.
> 
> I think HOW we deal with our spouses has ALOT to do with how they might respond also, no one wants to end up in the doghouse for the next week or so or bring on World War III.
> 
> ...


It’s not so much that I explode as a result of holding it all in, I just get extremely resentful and eventually shut down emotionally even when my "process" has determined that I need to let something go. It’s not logical, I know. People can’t know that something bothers me unless I tell them so I can’t hold resentment towards them for bothering me when they don’t know they’ve bothered me, but that’s the cycle. I’m working on it big time. Opening up is number one thing I’m working on actually as a result of marriage counseling but it just doesn’t come naturally to me. 

My H is also an expert at turning things around. For a long time when I did try to communicate, if it was anything he had done that I reacted negatively to (or that was causing me frustration) he would turn it around and point to something I had done to cause his reaction which I therefore deserved. He does very much bring up “old stuff” whenever a new problem arises. 

H says he is more bothered by the claming up response. He’s working on his reactions to me sharing my feelings (he also has anger issues) but it’s hard for both of us not to take everything so personally. We seemed to share many opinions and such in the beginning and a deviation from the same opinion is regarded as an insult. Also ridiculous, I know. 

Oy, I sound so dysfunctional! The thing is that I know the right way to handle things, I can advise people all day long on their problems, but when it comes to my own I fail to use the tools I have. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> Half of the battle is over if you come to the place you both are bound & determined to openly share -with understanding - all that is on your hearts & minds, all your frustrations, all your joys.


I love this statement and I might print it out to tape to my monitor if you don’t mind 


Sorry to have hijacked your thread, Harvard, but hopefully some of that is helpful to you too.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You could purchase a dammit doll


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