# Here's to Anger ...



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm going to confess ... I'm revisiting bitter and angry. And very little of it has to do with my wife. Most of it has much more to do with what I have observed about life over the last year, and more to the point, seeing how tragically and ridiculously common and utterly stupid are the reasons our marriages deteriorate and fail.

I read the stories and circumstances over and over. Husbands who are strong, compassionate, caring and devoted, have these character assets turned on their head by a cheating wife and suddenly their character strengths are character weaknesses?
Wives who are starved for a word of kindness and a loving touch instead discover that their husband is saving those things for other women?

What exactly the f*ck is wrong with this picture? Given that there is a virtual roadmap as to how, when and under what circumstances so many marriages begin to falter, why the hell isn't somebody teaching this stuff or at least handing out pamphlets at weddings? As a result, I'm jaded and just generally pissed off. And I'm comfortable with that. 

A good deal of the input and advice provided here is to support those who are heartbroken and grieving over betrayal, or the breakdown of a marriage. The input is heartfelt and well-meant, given that in some manner or degree, we have had these same feelings.

But ... being angry is ok too. In fact it's downright cathartic and healthy. So this is a friendly reminder that it's ok to be p!ssed. I'd argue that it's necessary to heal. Angry has always been hard for me ... that may explain why my wife was so freaked out when I started displaying it after 14 years of calm, thoughtful, and measured responses.

Anger is a town you visit, it's not where you want to live. It needs to be expressed, but it shouldn't be consuming or dictate who you are. Same rules apply to Despair. Happiness is the neighborhood that everybody wants to live in, but that is much more elusive and expensive real estate.

So, go ahead ... get mad as hell. And, oh, Merry Christmas


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I loved this post.
I don't do anger well either.
Your analogies are wonderful deejo.

Not only is there a roadmap for this stuff these days there is also a formula for happiness - 
fulfilling work, stable partner and health - I think that's it....

people go looking for more than this - when they are already blessed with it all...

that's enough to make anyone angry and I appreciate you anger on our behalf....


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Amen to that D. Im mad as hell too. I spend probably too much time reading these posts and im like " Wtf is wrong with people". Nobody told me that your life as you know it could crumble in the span of one day, with the phrase I dont love you any more. It has to be ok to be angry. If its not Im in serious trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Not a bad bit of writing Deejo. Anger is not a town for me though. For me anger is a scarf, I wrap it around me tight and it keeps me warm. 

You are right though, it is pitiful how so many of our marriages have been tripped up over the very same issues. If it's predictable it ought to be preventable. 

You are right again Deejo that there really isn't much education or instruction being "put out" to inform couples. I would almost even argue that marriage counseling generally gets brought "too late" in the process to "do anything", and as such it often has minimal impact on restoring a union. 

For me M.C. was more of an organized argument, with the counselor acting as a line judge citing whether comments were "in" or "out" of fairness bounds.

I too wish everyone on TAM a Merry Christmas for what that's worth. For me personally, I am just looking forward to a couple of days away from the clinic to lick my wounds. LIL


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo - well said. I always find your posts to be very helpful without being overly negative.

Thank you for your contributions to this board.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"I don't love you any more." That one is just a head-shaker.

Think back to when you recognized that you had fallen _in_ love with your spouse. Odds are you demonstrated and practiced love towards your partner long before you uttered the words.

Should we, can we, assume the same for falling out of love?

In an effort to break love down into the equivalent of flash cards, I think the following should be the standard response:

"Oh? Thank you for making me aware of that. Do you _want_ to love me any more? Please limit your response to yes or no, as 'I'm not sure' is for gutless losers and will be taken as 'no'."

I'm being facetious. Partly ...

LIL, I agree with the scarf analogy. In my case I could expand it to being like a coat, or a suit of armor. It protected me, and gave me strength. It felt good. There was a point in time where she certainly didn't care about my tears. Conversely, there were times when I felt like a million bucks walking away leaving her in tears as well. Anger was like a dependable buddy in a bar fight.

Apparently, I wore it for a good long while so I'm told. I liked it. It carried over into how I dealt with work, friends, and even family. People treated me and interacted with me differently. But, I wore it a bit too long and carried my shiny new anger too far one day. 

I pulled out wife-anger on a very dear friend that didn't deserve it. We were talking emotions and I was feeling vulnerable. I felt slighted, so I let her have it with both barrels. This is someone that has known me longer than my wife. Leaving her in tears did not make me feel good at all. She later said to me, "if anyone ever told me you were capable of treating me like that, I wouldn't have believed them."

That was my wake-up. At this point, I feel more disappointment over the damage that event caused to our friendship than any of the fallout with my wife.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I appreciate the comments. Overall I try to give relatively measured and balanced responses.

I guess this thread for me, is an admission that I've been having a tough time with that lately.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

me to, anger has over taken me many times in the last month. I think the thing that makes so mad is the fact the they know what their actions will do to us and they do it anyway, in my case 27 years together and that is all the respect he could muster, none!!!!
WTF is what I say as well, okay I feel better now.......it is so disappointing what life is and how people just think they have the right to hurt us that way......."I don't love you anymore" just license to do what they want......cop out in the biggest sense...
Whew!!!!.....
thanks Deejo for letting me get that out....
have a great holiday and maybe 2010 will be better for all


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A great relationship has a little bit of fear in both directions in it. 

I have a healthy fear of my wife. Not a physical thing - though - LOL - if I cheated I think she might actually get violent even though neither of us have either touched each other. 

My dominant emotions for her are love, and respect. But yes there is a little fear mixed in. 

Same in the other direction. And yes we have talked about fidelity/infidelity. 

And that fear is based on a recognition your partner understands anger and is able to use it when appropriate. 




Deejo said:


> I'm going to confess ... I'm revisiting bitter and angry. And very little of it has to do with my wife. Most of it has much more to do with what I have observed about life over the last year, and more to the point, seeing how tragically and ridiculously common and utterly stupid are the reasons our marriages deteriorate and fail.
> 
> I read the stories and circumstances over and over. Husbands who are strong, compassionate, caring and devoted, have these character assets turned on their head by a cheating wife and suddenly their character strengths are character weaknesses?
> Wives who are starved for a word of kindness and a loving touch instead discover that their husband is saving those things for other women?
> ...


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Anger is what keeps me sane when I am in court. The hard part is not showing it when in court. If I didn't feel angry, I'd lose it emotionally while being cross examined. If I show my anger, I'd lose the case. It's a fine line.

Additionally, whenever I feel like giving into the despair, the weight of the world on my chest, the hard-to-breathe feeling that overtakes me whenever I relive the last 3 months of hell ..... anger pulls be back to reality. I picture the wife and the OM together and everything comes back into crystal clear focus. Her choice, not mine. I need to protect the kids. I need to keep the anger in check for their sake.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Help239 said:


> Additionally, whenever I feel like giving into the despair, the weight of the world on my chest, the hard-to-breathe feeling that overtakes me whenever I relive the last 3 months of hell ..... anger pulls be back to reality. I picture the wife and the OM together and everything comes back into crystal clear focus. Her choice, not mine. I need to protect the kids. I need to keep the anger in check for their sake.


I found the same. It helped keep me grounded and focused instead of dwelling on how's, why's, remember when's and only if's.

It absolutely has it's place and purpose in the litany of emotions that one experiences when going through the death of a relationship.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

A timely post for me. Thank you and I agree!

It's not my style to be angry long. There are moments, like today, where I wished I could hit something and make my anger go away.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I'm having difficulty displaying/acknowledging my anger. 

Yes, I am angry but I don't think I've properly expressed it. I don't think I know how. Sure I've cried, I've wanted to hit something (or my ex), and I've wanted karma to bite him in the rear. But I don't think I've given anger a proper acknowledgement. Heck, I don't think I've even really yelled. 

In fact, my counselor instructed me to write a "piss off" letter to my ex. I've started it but can't seem to finish it. And it's not due to a lack of material. 

Lately, I've been very focused on moving forward. I so desperately want this divorce to be over so I can carry on with my life. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to be a better me and that's going to happen without my ex.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

OMG D!!!

you have once again hit the nail on the head! im sure so many of us are feeling this...the holidays seem to bring out the best in us all...

a bit of a vent from myself...i took my name to heart late xmas eve...

yes, the anger thing but so completely justified.

my h left us...me and our 2 daughters.

why am i literally expected to do as im told? as h wants me to? not his decisions to make. all he needs to do is make sure i get a support check for what he left behind...he can not tell me where i can live, what i can drive, eat, shampoo my hair with.....


AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG...

he has NO SAY SO in anything right now... he walked away, left that all behind.....


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

D. Even when I read about other people and the pod people their spouses have been replaced with it makes me angry. They all sound like the same people. " I dont love you any more". "Im not happy". "I havent been happy for a long time". "It will be better for everyone". whine whine whine!!!!!! selfish bast&&&&!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I agree with you 100% noideato20. Why won't people roll up their sleeves and "do the work" necessary for fixing their marriage. Especially since the alternative is usually far worse for all players.

Personally, it drives me friggin insane that my wife knows what needs to be done. She can talk about what needs to be done. She just lacks the fortitude to do any of it, because it's hard.

I feel like Superman. If I want my world to survive then I best get started saving it myself. If I'm successful, "Lois" will be there to cheer me on and give me a kiss. However, she's completely useless when it comes to destroying giant robots and diverting nuclear missles. Also, 1/2 my time seems to be taken up saving her silly @ss. If you're not going to help could you at least stay out of the way?

"F" Metropolis. I'm going back to Smallville. LIL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nice analogy LIL. What immediately went through my mind is that despite my heroic efforts to save the world, Lois sees no need and has no desire to cheer me on and give me a kiss - as fixing everything is what Superman is just supposed to do.

That's why I'm going for Gotham City, the cowl, cape, and cave instead. Batman is way cooler and only pursues hot, equally damaged women. He _knows_ there is no "happily ever after" so he doesn't even concern himself with it.

Cripes, you actually just summed up the dominant man thing.

Who do women want, Clark Kent or Superman?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Neither - just real people -


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Holy commitment Batman!!! I just want Batman to put on his big boy panties and get back to the batcave and finish the freakin responsibility he signed up for because Catwoman wont wait forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

knortoh said:


> Neither - just real people -


Way too obtuse, knortoh. 'Real people' just like super heroes, don't exist.

And it's kind of a rhetorical question. 

Clark Kent is a mild-mannered milquetoast. 

Superman leaps tall buildings in a single bound, averts crises on a global scale and pulls off red and blue tights with nary a soul making fun of him.

Same guy. One persona is adored and admired. The other is easy to overlook and irrelevant.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I know I realise I didn't answer in the spirit in which it was posted - I am not normally obtuse - it is just I have been living with a real guy with a hero complex for so long - it was a personal answer to my self - genuine was the word I meant -not the same as real I guess .....
you're smart


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

noideato20 said:


> Holy commitment Batman!!! I just want Batman to put on his big boy panties and get back to the batcave and finish the freakin responsibility he signed up for because Catwoman wont wait forever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Batman _does_ wear his big boy panties - right on the outside of his tights so you can see them. And he does have a commitment, one that will never, ever, be supplanted by a woman - which makes the chicks want him all the more, because he's a challenge.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

knortoh said:


> you're smart



Now see, had you said I was a _smart ass_, I could take some measure of comfort in knowing that you had been drawn in by my roguish charm.

And for the record, I know exactly what you mean and meant. Seems like such a fundamentally simple request, doesn't it?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

tricky for some though


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

knortoh said:


> tricky for some though


Apparently far trickier than it should be.

Being real is what should bind us. Being real is about truth, and love and honesty, and sometimes saying and hearing things that are hard - but knowing it is what you need, because your partner is invested in you and the health of the relationship you share.

But ... being real also means that you will be disappointed, hurt, angry, jealous, unsure, disinterested. That's all part of the equation too. Knowing that you have someone willing to navigate those waters with you is when you have something real special.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Deejo I love words and you have a lovely way with them 
I took it for granted that I had someone who navigated those deeper waters with me - 

What I find tricky now - (Separated but still sharing two children) is that navigation, negotiation, honesty, and investment are all still necessary.......

I am dumbstruck ( and that is saying something for me) that 50% of the population goes through this 
why would anyone choose this path?
I honestly don't get it...
hope I do one day


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