# Anyone else to the point of feeling like a roommate?



## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Married for 4 1/2 years now. 

Basically our sex life was ok/good before we got married. I think the lack of seeing each other all week most times led to sex on the weekend kind of being expected and enjoyable having been away from each other. I wouldn't say it was as good as it was with an ex I had but it was still ok. My wife was a good girl all her life but opened up quite a bit with me. Not necessarily to the extent I'd have liked but certainly enough I was satisfied.

Pretty much after getting married we dropped off. It wasn't necessarily from her turning me down per se, moreso we just didn't seem to have that regular sex time. For instance, when dating and I'd go to her house on Friday night to stay the weekend or vice versa, we always had sex that night. That "newness" kind of died off and with it the times we had sex dropped off too. 

To be fair as part of the story, I have ED issues and take Cialis before I can have sex. As time went on I've made comments about it and tried to talk with her about it. Basically her only response is that I should always initiate it. One, because I need time to prepare so to speak and two, she just doesn't like to initiate. 

For awhile I tried it her way, I'd try and surprise her and initiate but got a few "I'm tired" and "It's too late in the night" responses. I would say that I was at best 1 out of 3 trying that on average. Needless to say that was frustrating, as well as expensive since my insurance doesn't cover those pills and they are over $10 ea. 

We eventually tried a "schedule" for sex nights. Sometimes that worked. But again it was totally on me to initiate no matter what. It got to the point I felt like if I was always the one to have to initiate, bring it up, be sexual in any way that it just wasn't worth it. It made me feel like she simply wasn't that interested in it. 

One thing that was also an issue, our sex became very ordinary and repetitive. It was always the same. When we dated we tried different things, different places, lingerie for her, sexy costumes and outfits, sexy talk about others. She also did sexy pics for me and I love those to this day. All of that has went away. She hasn't bought one new piece of lingerie since we got married over 4 years ago.

As that went on I admit I used porn more and more. Either that or simply fantasized about other women or different situations while masturbating. Although I know it's not healthy, it really has gotten to the point that masturbating became a more enjoyable way of release than having to go through all the other and feeling in some ways undesired even if she agreed to have sex.

In the past 12 months we have had sex 3 or 4 times. It's been over 3 months now since I've had sex. We do have a 2 1/2 year old. But even when we went to Las Vegas for a week last year and left our daughter with her parents, no sex. I thought while gone I'd see if she ever mentioned it. I brought meds for it if so, hoped it would come up, but having been the one to bring it up in the past I wanted I guess to see if she would even desire it. It was never mentioned by her so I just let it go.

I realize my issues (ED/watching porn or fantasizing more) are part of our problem. Maybe I'm not aggressive enough. The ex I had the great sex life with was much more aggressive than my wife. I do want to also say I had the ED issues with the ex too so it's not a current situation with my wife only or a new situation from watching more porn.

We don't argue or fight. I think I've gotten to the point now we are just roommates. We both love our daughter and I do value my wife in pretty much all other ways. But it's hard to say you love someone when you basically have no physical relationship with them. I love the mother she is, the things she does, she is a sweet person, but as a lover she just isn't that to me. Anyone been in this type situation and had any success fixing it?

Sorry for the long story but felt like I needed to vent/explain to see if anyone else experienced similar things.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rick3 said:


> Married for 4 1/2 years now.
> 
> 
> , she just doesn't like to initiate.
> ...


The recurring theme here is a conflict of initiation. She wants you to do it, all the time. You want her to do it, at least sometimes.

If she is to initiate, does she have to give you enough time to take your Cialis? You talked about scheduling sex night. I heard that years ago and always thought, how UN romantic can it get? I, personally, hate that idea! Schedule date night,yes, but time to make love? How about making love following date night?




Rick3 said:


> In the past 12 months we have had sex 3 or 4 times. It's been over 3 months now since I've had sex. We do have a 2 1/2 year old. But even when we went to Las Vegas for a week last year and left our daughter with her parents, no sex. I thought while gone I'd see if she ever mentioned it. I brought meds for it if so, hoped it would come up, but having been the one to bring it up in the past I wanted I guess to see if she would even desire it. It was never mentioned by her so I just let it go.


Wait wait wait... you had your wife in Vegas for a week and you never kissed her silly? You never undressed her as you backed her up to the bed? You waited for her to ask about taking the Cialis? Dude, do you see where I'm going here?




Rick3 said:


> I realize my issues (ED/watching porn or fantasizing more) are part of our problem. *Maybe I'm not aggressive enough.* The ex I had the great sex life with was much more aggressive than my wife. I do want to also say I had the ED issues with the ex too so it's not a current situation with my wife only or a new situation from watching more porn.


Ding Ding Ding Ding!!! Not Aggressive, not even assertive, more like aggressively passive.

Porn and ED have NOTHING what so ever to do with the sorry state of your sex life. perhaps we ought to take a look at your LOVE life?



Rick3 said:


> But it's hard to say you love someone when you basically have no physical relationship with them. I love the mother she is, the things she does, she is a sweet person, but as a lover she just isn't that to me. Anyone been in this type situation and had any success fixing it?


Oops, looks like the love part of life has gone missing too.

Yes, I have, as the wife who couldn't initiate for fear of rejection because of the ED. Can't tell you how many times I rolled over after giving it my best and all I would get from him was, "you know not to take this personally right?" We worked through it, but it was miserable and it took a long time before we finally got it right and as you can tell by the unkind way I'm responding to you I still feel anger at his passive and avoidant response to our marriage troubles. 

During our early years, with a couple of youngens, I had ZERO sex drive. I also had ZERO help, Zero interaction with my H, and had ZERO affection filled romantic moments. ZERO Zilch Nada. So when he wanted sex all I could think of was "great one more chore before I can be left alone!"

You are going to have to put on your big boy pants and take charge of your sex life. I get that you've felt rejected, but your passive aggressive response came back to bite you in the a$$ didn't it? You were going to MAKE her initiate but she didn't, she beat you at the dumbest damn game invented! Men can NEVER win that game because women invented it! The more you held back the less interested in you she became. All the while you're waiting for her to act like a man with raging testosterone but she's still a woman waiting for you to show her you love her by insisting on the closeness and intimacy that sex brings! She even told you as much but you didn't listen. You found release with porn. 

Talk to your wife but be a man. Tell her you can't live like this, you feel disconnected from her, like you're roommates, when you want to feel like her lover. If you really do want to feel like her lover, then you better start acting like her lover.

A woman's arousal starts in her head, about 4 hours before you even touch her. YOU need to get this train back on the track and then together you can make it move forward.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, I have, as the wife who couldn't initiate for fear of rejection because of the ED. Can't tell you how many times I rolled over after giving it my best and all I would get from him was, "you know not to take this personally right?" We worked through it, but it was miserable and it took a long time before we finally got it right and *as you can tell by the unkind way I'm responding to you I still feel anger at his passive and avoidant response to our marriage troubles. *
> 
> During our early years, with a couple of youngens, I had ZERO sex drive. I also had ZERO help, Zero interaction with my H, and had ZERO affection filled romantic moments. ZERO Zilch Nada. So when he wanted sex all I could think of was "great one more chore before I can be left alone!"
> 
> ...


I don't mind it, I'm the one asking for feedback.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

First, you haven't said what you do in the relationship. How often do you see each other, have alone time? Are you helping with the house chores and raising your child? Do you treat her or does every day go the same?

You don't just sound like you have a terrible sex life, you sound like you have no mental connection to your wife. That has to change before the sex does. Why? Because for women, feeling loved, cherished, respected and attractive makes them want sex. The sex comes after you make her feel appreciated, no exceptions!

How to connect with her: 
Ask her how she is feeling, what her day holds...
Would she like a hand with anything?
Let her ramble, listen to her and show you empathise. 
Make sure you do little things for her without being asked
Compliment her for what she does
Tell her what you love about her. 

Do these things regularly, and you will reconnect as people who respect each other. If you start these changes, she will notice and pay you more attention, and you'll be on the right track.

I understand you have to schedule sex, but that doesn't mean you tell her to come to the bedroom in an hour because that's when you'll be ready. Act ready in the morning, kiss her neck before you go to work, give a little shoulder rub... flirt with her! Let the loving thoughts turn to sexy thoughts, create anticipation for the evening. 

Assertiveness is a fine suggestion, heck I have a very nice sex life and I still wish my SO would pounce on me sometimes!  Best wishes


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## Layla79 (Feb 6, 2013)

keepsmiling said:


> First, you haven't said what you do in the relationship. How often do you see each other, have alone time? Are you helping with the house chores and raising your child? Do you treat her or does every day go the same?
> 
> You don't just sound like you have a terrible sex life, you sound like you have no mental connection to your wife. That has to change before the sex does. Why?* Because for women, feeling loved, cherished, respected and attractive makes them want sex. The sex comes after you make her feel appreciated, no exceptions!*
> 
> ...


:iagree:
That is some excellent advice!
Could you come say all of this to my husband too? lol

Rick, I hope that you're able to reconnect with your wife on a mental/emotional and hopefully physical level too. Putting in that extra effort to show she is appreciated and respected may just be all that is needed to get the fire between the two of you burning again. It's worth a shot, right?
Best of luck!


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

keepsmiling said:


> First, you haven't said what you do in the relationship. How often do you see each other, have alone time? Are you helping with the house chores and raising your child? Do you treat her or does every day go the same?
> 
> You don't just sound like you have a terrible sex life, you sound like you have no mental connection to your wife. That has to change before the sex does. Why? Because for women, feeling loved, cherished, respected and attractive makes them want sex. The sex comes after you make her feel appreciated, no exceptions!
> 
> ...


Thanks! Addressing one of the questions, we do have some issues with our schedules. I work from home but often have to work in the evenings so by the time I come to bed she is often already asleep as she has to get up much earlier than I do for work. That itself leads to less time we are together.


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