# I feel like I'm becoming a real jerk.



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

First time poster, recent lurker. 
I do not understand what is and has been happening to me over the last number of years. I was a nice, friendly, outgoing and for the most part happy person in and out of the home. I feel now and increasing amount of sadness, anger, resentment, and general unease. I am married ( 16 years ) with two children, daughter 13 and son 10. My home life with my wife ( we started dating 23 years ago ) is very strained. We argue daily and I know it is not healthy. I work on cheering myself up but this is usually short lived and then fall back into thoughts of futility and unmotivated dol- drums as I wrestle with feelings of impending failure with everything I do or may begin to do. Last night I yelled at my son for being rude to his mother, ended up getting told I was being an “intimidating bully” and they left the house together after I would not give them privacy for a conversation the 2 of them wanted to have. I had something to do that evening ( music rehearsal – one night a week ) so they knew I would leave and then they would return. Another incident that occurred a week ago was when my wife said to me, during an argument, in a loud enough voice that our children would hear was that my Mother had told her ( couple years ago ) that she thought I was “suicidal and depressed” . My wife has also told my daughter to “never marry a musician” ( this is a serious hobby but has taken a real back seat over the last 5 years ) . I have made a living in other ways and not made a living from music. On one occasion during a recent argument she said “if you don’t like it leave”, in front of the kids of course. It feels like everything is unraveling. I used to be a positive upbeat person. I have read many “self help” books and used techniques in the books but the results seem very short lived. I have no addictions of any kind to drugs, alcohol, gambling, internet etc. In fact I do not drink or take drugs. My wife accuses me of being “grumpy” or in a bad mood all the time. I just don’t understand what’s going on. I do not know what to do. Thanks for reading.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> My wife has also told my daughter to “never marry a musician”


This is utterly ridiculous. It's not about the work/profession you have, it's about who you are.
You shouldn't be identified as a "musician" and that should not dictate who you are. 
I think your wife's advice to your daughter was immature and senseless. 
Before she accuses you of of being "intimidating bully" or "grumpy" she should make sure to be more thoughtful about the things she says to your daughter regarding you as a father/husband.

There's a reason for you being mood all the time. I can sense that your wife doesn't treat you well? And there are times she puts the kids against you, making you look like the bad guy in the family?

I don't think she's being better than you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

While marital problems can contribute to the rise of depression, the depression may become a critical problem in and of itself. Talk to you medical doctor about your symptoms and hear what s/he has to say. Also make an appointment for marriage counseling, b/c clearly your wife is not being respectful and that's not good for any of you. Remember that your behavior may have contributed to her losing respect for you, so be open to making your changes. But if either partner is speaking rudely to the other, it's evidence of resentment and loss of respect. The hows and whys of that need to be understood and counseling will really help. 

If, after some work on the marriage, your positive attitude remains elusive, consider following up your doctor's recommendations. I would not jump in with meds until you've worked on the marriage, however.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Thank you for the kind reply Sister359. I do feel that her respect for me is lacking. I have all but given up doing things around the house largely due to the criticism from her about how I've done it wrong or it took to long or any number of things that are wrong with the way I've done it. I have brought this up but to no avail as she would believe that I'm trying to control her. Of course this upsets me and I get angry. ( not the way I usually behave ) We have spent days not speaking because of these angry outbursts. I then feel that she looses even more respect for me because of my anger. ( no win here ) . Here is a little insight into our usual evenings together. Dinners done, kids in bed, she goes upstairs to the bedroom and thats it. I did mention a couple of years ago that it would be nice if she said "good night" but she got pissed off at me and so that doesn't happen. I do occasionally go upstairs, talk to her and wish her good night but it's never reciprocated (ever) her excuse is that she doesn't want to disturbe me as "I'm usually listening to music". I have never given her a reason to behave this way - if she walks into the room anytime I'm doing that I take of the headphones and give her my full attention as I do my kids. We have been on one date in the last 3 years as she has refused to go out with me for one reason or another. I stopped asking after about the 10th time and said if she wanted to go out with me she should ask. The last date we went on I felt like all she wanted to do was leave. We couldn't get out of there fast enough once the show was over. Not sure what thats about. ( ? ) She says she feels like all the responsibility is on her shoulders yet if I offer to go grocery shopping for example she'll bring up the time I did it wrong and that's that. I get shet for not cooking dinner and if I ask what she would like me to cook I get shet for not knowing. I'll explain that as she does all the grocery shopping how would I know what she had planned. A lot of times it feels like she is blaming my behavior. In other words she won't say goodnight because "I'm" to busy listening to music. She won't kiss me because "I" have not shaved. How 'bout a kiss on the cheek then. ( ? ) I guess I'm not getting it. Thank you for the advice about MC and seeing my doctor. I am am considering both options.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

In answer to your question about putting the kids against me. She did tell my daughter not to marry a musician. They went on a vacation last year without me. ( money issue ) I'm not sure what gets said about me.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

clear she has no respect for you and pretty much considers you useless. Sounds like she is doing pretty much everything and she is seriously over stressed.
She probably resents the crap out of you for one reason or another. Maybe thinks she nolonger loves you or for some reason the love has been tarnished by other things..

Have you asked her about exactly WHY things are like this? what started this? You dont even sleep in the same bed? why and when did that start?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

There is a lot more to this story, CanadianGuy. No one here can really help if you don't tell us the whole story. A lot of times, people want to complain about what is happening to them but don't want to share the part they played. You are honest enough to take complete responsibility for how you have been behaving and that your wife complains about it. But, I can tell the problems are not fairly recent. There is a history that you didn't mention. The reason I know are the clues you gave. One clue is your wife saying “_if you don’t like it leave_.” Another clue is her saying, "_never marry a musician_." She had reasons for saying those things. She sounds angry, fed up, resentful, and disappointed. There are reasons for all of this. What has happened over the years?

If you are depressed, unhappy, grumpy all the time, then there are reasons for all that too. The only clue I am able to find is you saying, "_this is a serious hobby but has taken a real back seat over the last 5 years_"......"_I have made a living in other ways and not made a living from music_." It must be disappointing to give up your hopes and dreams of success as a musician. I think you take that disappointment out on your wife and family for being the reason you had to give it up, and 5 years is a long time to deal with your reactions.

Am I right? Is there more you want to share?

If I'm right, you and your wife will have to find a way to build anew because neither of you are who you once were. Lots of changing, lots of maturing, lots of disappointments have taken place and served to frame your lives in that dim light. Rather than moving onward, you both have just followed along as if it were all on an involuntary basis. Make the decision to live for today based on new plans for the future - a future that should include redefining yourselves and rediscovering each other.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

bribrius said:


> clear she has no respect for you and pretty much considers you useless. Sounds like she is doing pretty much everything and she is seriously over stressed.
> She probably resents the crap out of you for one reason or another. Maybe thinks she nolonger loves you or for some reason the love has been tarnished by other things..
> 
> Have you asked her about exactly WHY things are like this? what started this? You dont even sleep in the same bed? why and when did that start?


Thanks for the insights/questions bribrius. She does a lot and won't agree to let me lighten some of the load ie: don't do it right. I have worked on clearing a path for her that would make it easy for her to let go of some of these things. It's difficult as even her friends joke with her about "control" issues. I have asked her why and get no clear answers except she "feels' like she does everything. To be fair though, she does not. I do number of things around the house, especially those things that are hard to be critical about. Like garbage, lawn cutting, wood chopping etc. As far as to when/what started this I am unsure only that it has crept into our lives like a bad smell. Slowly gathering strength and getting worse. Where is that smell coming from ? I gave you the wrong impression as to the sleeping arrangements. I do go upstairs to bed at night. I believe we resent each other. It's not good and I know that.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

River1977 said:


> There is a lot more to this story, CanadianGuy. No one here can really help if you don't tell us the whole story. A lot of times, people want to complain about what is happening to them but don't want to share the part they played. You are honest enough to take complete responsibility for how you have been behaving and that your wife complains about it. But, I can tell the problems are not fairly recent. There is a history that you didn't mention. The reason I know are the clues you gave. One clue is your wife saying “_if you don’t like it leave_.” Another clue is her saying, "_never marry a musician_." She had reasons for saying those things. She sounds angry, fed up, resentful, and disappointed. There are reasons for all of this. What has happened over the years?
> 
> You are absolutely right River1977. There is a lot more. It does seem that the issues have been getting worse and worse. The arguing is a lot more frequent/intense and the distance between us is growing. I am a man that will take responsibility. I can and have changed a great deal at her request. I do feel however that that has not been a two way street. I change or work on me and she won't work on her. "Never marry a musician" - I had lost a lot of work contracts when the stock market slumped in 2008. I lost about 15,000 worth of work in a week and a half. In December of that year I was nearly broke and that really really pissed her off. To get by I managed to borrow money from a family member for a short while. I was working on music during this brief period of unemployment.( still actively seeking work though) That really pissed her off and she even brought that up a couple of arguments ago. Here's the rub. I helped her financially through 4 years of university with never a complaint. She told me in January of 2009 that I had come close to loosing my marriage. They way she had been treating me by that point I told her the same thing. I asked if we could go to the bank to get a credit line to help us over and she refused. We have good credit and owe very little money on our mortgage and credit cards. I mean very little. More control, less flexible I'd say ( ? ) Anyway worked picked up over the years, believe me I worked my ass off. This last year I changed jobs as it never really has returned to pre crash levels. I am now employed by a company, I used to be self employed.
> 
> ...


That's a great insight and good way to look at it. Thanks.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Oops, sorry River1977, not used to forums. I hope you can find my answers in the quoted text.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sorry for your troubles canadian guy. 

darn it relationships are hard, especially after a number of years.

all i can offer is that you approach your wife with utmost sincerity and calm and aks her to set aside a couple of hours.
schedule it for a time and place for you both to talk it out. even if it is days or weeks away. prepare yourself for it mentally. prepare for the worst. hope for the best. and then hash out both your grievances. but dont forget to mention all the love and memories and positive things too. it must be balanced.
if she still has love for your deep within her, it may be a moment 
of coming together again.

if she does not agree to this, then im afraid she just doesnt care enough and you must insist. obviously your marriage is troubled and its not going to get any better without making a breakthough. 

remember. one thing big time you have going for you is that unlike many of the other marriages going through trauma on this site, your wife is not fooling around or even thinking about it.
that is the worst possible of all scenarios and the ultimate deal breaker. so count yourself lucky and be proactive before something worse happens besides the blah's!

good luck to you!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CG,
Does your wife have a full time job? 
Who is the primary wage earner in the house? 
Did your W have certain expectations regarding your income that haven't been met? (I am not saying any expectations she has are "fair" just asking if she had them). 

Unless you get to the point where she is NOT angry about your financial contribution, your marriage will remain very unfriendly. 

Selecting a vacation that was priced so that you could not attend for money reasons was a VERY direct way to convey her hostility towards you. 

It may be that everything else is largely driven by her anger about this aspect of your marriage. 



CanadianGuy said:


> That's a great insight and good way to look at it. Thanks.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> sorry for your troubles canadian guy.
> 
> darn it relationships are hard, especially after a number of years.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. A breakthrough is necessary and have come to these forums looking for guidance. I have no idea wether or not my wife is in an EA or PA. I have not looked for any clues. I am a very open person. She has all the passwords to all my devices, including email etc. She does not have access to this one. I have none of her passwords for anything. I have asked for her phone passwords/email etc but she declined to give them to me. I didn't make a big deal out of it as I still really trust her anyway. I am going to search out MC's in our area and come forward with this idea. We said two words to each other yesterday. So far today is much the same.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> CG,
> Does your wife have a full time job?
> Who is the primary wage earner in the house?
> Did your W have certain expectations regarding your income that haven't been met? (I am not saying any expectations she has are "fair" just asking if she had them).
> ...


Thanks for taking the time to respond I really appreciate your questions. 

Yes my wife has a fulltime job. She has consistently earned more money than I do and has benefits as well. I can only think of a couple of years where I earned more. We do however split expenses 50/50. At one point I was consistently contributing between 2,500 and 3,000 per month. This was a few years ago and I then began to question our budget. 2009 was a pretty slow year, I actually contributed more than I earned and owed a small amount on taxes. ( I payed it off though )Was it really costing 5,000 a month to live with 2 kids in a small house? After I questioned that budget, ( she was bringing home trampolines, swimming pools, and other items. And I began to wonder why I couldn't afford a newer vehicle etc. So I took a hard look at the budget and began to realize that I was paying for hard costs while she was buying all these luxury items with her "extra" money. She of course believes that I did not contribute financially to those items. Her reasoning was that it came out of her account so she paid for them. As I explained to her, her costs are the mortgage and utilities. ( about 1400 per mnth ) so with her extra contribution she bought whatever. Whenever I'd save a little on day care it was " you can pay for X as you saved X on day care this month". However whenever the budget for groceries went over that was just "to bad" and she would not kick in the difference. Now I contribute about 1,500 a month. I still see a big inequity here as she earns 2x what I do. And drives a 25,000 vehicle which she won't let me drive. I really have no "left over" money at the end of the month these days as my new job has not been the earner it should be. ( or was promised by the company) I'm looking for a new job or second job for now. Is she pissed about money. Probably. Is it really fair at the moment that if I earn 1/2 what she does I should still be covering 1/2 the expenses. I can not even contribute to a retirement fund or any kind of savings at the moment. That concerns me. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would not expect her to contribute on a 50/50 basis. Am I way off base here?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Just an add on to the previous post.
At the beginning of the year as we were discussing divorce she said I would leave with nothing and I reminded her that the law stated that I'm entitled to half. Believe it or not she went to the bank to see if they would add to the mortgage so she could pay me. They said they would. What I found interesting is that when I had inquired about a line of credit against the house she said "no way" could we do that. hmmm.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CG,
The net of it is this: 
- she is angry that you aren't earning at least what she is
- at some level she believes that you really aren't motivated to develop a non-musical career where the primary focus is on money
Not saying that is true - just seems likely given the "don't marry a musician" comments.



CanadianGuy said:


> Just an add on to the previous post.
> At the beginning of the year as we were discussing divorce she said I would leave with nothing and I reminded her that the law stated that I'm entitled to half. Believe it or not she went to the bank to see if they would add to the mortgage so she could pay me. They said they would. What I found interesting is that when I had inquired about a line of credit against the house she said "no way" could we do that. hmmm.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> First time poster, recent lurker.
> I do not understand what is and has been happening to me over the last number of years. I was a nice, friendly, outgoing and for the most part happy person in and out of the home. I feel now and increasing amount of sadness, anger, resentment, and general unease. I am married ( 16 years ) with two children, daughter 13 and son 10. My home life with my wife ( we started dating 23 years ago ) is very strained. We argue daily and I know it is not healthy. I work on cheering myself up but this is usually short lived and then fall back into thoughts of futility and unmotivated dol- drums as I wrestle with feelings of impending failure with everything I do or may begin to do. Last night I yelled at my son for being rude to his mother, ended up getting told I was being an “intimidating bully” and they left the house together after I would not give them privacy for a conversation the 2 of them wanted to have. I had something to do that evening ( music rehearsal – one night a week ) so they knew I would leave and then they would return. Another incident that occurred a week ago was when my wife said to me, during an argument, in a loud enough voice that our children would hear was that my Mother had told her ( couple years ago ) that she thought I was “suicidal and depressed” . My wife has also told my daughter to “never marry a musician” ( this is a serious hobby but has taken a real back seat over the last 5 years ) . I have made a living in other ways and not made a living from music. On one occasion during a recent argument she said “if you don’t like it leave”, in front of the kids of course. It feels like everything is unraveling. I used to be a positive upbeat person. I have read many “self help” books and used techniques in the books but the results seem very short lived. I have no addictions of any kind to drugs, alcohol, gambling, internet etc. In fact I do not drink or take drugs. My wife accuses me of being “grumpy” or in a bad mood all the time. I just don’t understand what’s going on. I do not know what to do. Thanks for reading.


What kind of a musician are you? 

I'm a musician. I know that being a musician for some people means that we bare our souls, so to speak, in our music. To some people, especially ones who have put the music scene on a back burner and then come back to it years later after their loved ones have gotten used to an idea of a person that isn't a musician, a musician can seem suicidal or depressed when it is actually a person putting their thoughts and feelings into music. 

That's my take on it, as a musician, anyway. I know I use my music as an outlet for my emotions and sometimes my emotions are stronger when I'm sad, so when I do music it seems like I am always depressed or sad...which maybe it is the case, I don't know. Haven't been able to get back to my music workstation for awhile now. 

Whatever it's worth...that's my 2 cents.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Canadian Guy,

She has no respect for you. I hope you both can get to MC. Where did the divorce talks end up?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> CG,
> The net of it is this:
> - she is angry that you aren't earning at least what she is
> - at some level she believes that you really aren't motivated to develop a non-musical career where the primary focus is on money
> ...


I feel you are onto something here. Thank you for this perspective. I will say I worked very hard to make my business profitable and would hope that she could see my commitment to that.Perhaps this wasn't enough.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

DayDream said:


> What kind of a musician are you?
> 
> I'm a musician. I know that being a musician for some people means that we bare our souls, so to speak, in our music. To some people, especially ones who have put the music scene on a back burner and then come back to it years later after their loved ones have gotten used to an idea of a person that isn't a musician, a musician can seem suicidal or depressed when it is actually a person putting their thoughts and feelings into music.
> 
> ...


Thank you for you reply. I will consider what you have offered here carefully.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> Canadian Guy,
> 
> She has no respect for you. I hope you both can get to MC. Where did the divorce talks end up?


She told me this evening that she got the name of a counsellor ( for herself - not us ) after we had talked about divorce. The reason that came up was I asked her when would be going to see one. I then asked what she would be there to accomplish saving the marriage or? She said "you first" so i said to save the marriage. All i can say was that was not her answer.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CG,
She is angry that you don't earn more money: full stop

She doesn't care why - except blaming your musical skills gives her a convenient way to lash out at you. 

And in addition to being angry - she doesn't respect you. The respect thing is partly a money thing and partly other stuff. As to what the "other stuff" is I don't know. Sadly the money thing is so big - that even if you fix the other stuff - you may not get to a workable place. 






CanadianGuy said:


> She told me this evening that she got the name of a counsellor ( for herself - not us ) after we had talked about divorce. The reason that came up was I asked her when would be going to see one. I then asked what she would be there to accomplish saving the marriage or? She said "you first" so i said to save the marriage. All i can say was that was not her answer.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

If she's seeking counseling only for herself and doesn't want to work on the marriage, should should start working on yourself and preparing for the worst.

If you can seek counseling for yourself as well. If you can't start reading some books. MEM should be able to tell you which suit your situation. I'm a women so I don't want to recommend the wrong books for you. If you are not having sexual relations a 180 might even fit this situation.

If divorce is not off the table for her you may want to visit with an attorney to know your rights.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I think most of you are missing it.

Go to a doc & get your seritonin levels checked. Get some blood workup if there is medical underlying reason for a slight depression that is getting slowly worse... so slowly that even you only seem to see that you are unhappy if you look way back to the yesteryears when you were jovial all the time.

It really sounds like "you" are the one needing individual counseling, along with some medication.

I think if you became your old happy self, things would work out much better in the marriage.
She would want to try to stick it out with a positive happy person.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

NO. It is NOT always the mans fault.

In this case I truely feel that he will feel much better about himself if he found an underlying chemical imbalance in the brain, and got it controlled. He could start feeling happier with his life.

If it came down to it, either with or without her. I think though if he is wanting a spouse to be happy & stick with him , usually it works out much better one the person themselves can find happiness. 

I really think he needs to see a counselor. Marriage or divorce. He needs to find a way to feel the old happiness again. Even if it is realizing he needs to get into music an a more frequent basis... even if she doesn't support that.

I am trying to suggest that HE find a way to be happy. NOT blaming him for her lack of commitment.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I don't see where anything was missed.

He may be depressed and was told numerous times to see a counselor. If that is the case then hopefully a professional will diagnose him.

His wife clearly doesn't respect or support him emotionally. She got a counselor for herself and not the marriage or him. She also doesn't seem to want to work on the marriage.

This sounds like a case of resentment building for a long time on both parts. He wants to seek MC to help the marriage. She isn't interested. He should seek counseling for himself to help him with his issues now and to better prepare him for the inevitable.

If BOTH partners do not want to work on the marriage, it usually doesn't end well.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I guess a question would be, what "kind" of counselor did she say she got?

A counselor can refer to a health professional counselor , or a lawyer.
My guess is maybe she meant a lawyer.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Didn't think of that. Let's hope she got a health care professional. If she got a lawyer he better get help health and legally ASAP.

Canadian guy, you don"t sound like a jerk so don't think of yourself that way. Just move forward one day at a time and do what needs to be done. Help yourself.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> CG,
> She is angry that you don't earn more money: full stop
> 
> She doesn't care why - except blaming your musical skills gives her a convenient way to lash out at you.
> ...


Thanks MEM11363

The other stuff at this point is unknowable as she isn't very forthcoming with issues other that she feels I behave badly. I never thought of that musical skills angle. She does get pissed at me for going off to jam or rehearse sometimes. When I played for years on a Sunday I kind of use to dread coming home as she would then assault me with " while you've been off having a good time/playing I've been at home doing .....fill in the blank here". It was never very pleasant. I did point out that to her but she really didn't care. ( perhaps this is a shet test? )


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> That's what I gathered too. It would not be the first time a wife resented that she earned more than her husband.
> 
> 
> Canadian Guy,
> ...


Texas, the stars at night are big and bright. 

Yes we do. Frequency has really really dropped off.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> I guess a question would be, what "kind" of counselor did she say she got?
> 
> A counselor can refer to a health professional counselor , or a lawyer.
> My guess is maybe she meant a lawyer.


Hi Chelle D. Thanks for all your replies and insights. 
I am going to visit a Doctor for some blood work. 

She did not follow through on her counseling (that is what she told me) I will say that after a few brief conversations yesterday she believes this is all my fault. As in "I'm the wind. you're the tree - bend". She has agreed to see an MC with me but I think as she is trying to "fix" me it may be a big surprise for her.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> I don't see where anything was missed.
> 
> He may be depressed and was told numerous times to see a counselor. If that is the case then hopefully a professional will diagnose him.
> 
> ...


Thanks Hopefull363, 

I did find it strange that she would seek counseling for herself first. She did not follow through with it though. I also found it strange that I had to be the one to bring up an MC. Clearly she had thought about counseling but only for her. ( ? ) Yes there is a lot of resentment and I believe that is where a lot of my anger and frustration lives. I do not like that part of me at all. Yesterday I had to go outside for about an hour to cool down and tell myself not to take something she had said too personally because I felt that anger and frustration rising. I sure would like to get the ball rolling on this as maybe it will be me who ends up leaving this marriage if she is not willing to work on it together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not that your wife is, in any way, shape or form, a manipulative little minx?

Nor that she is trying to deliberately belittle you in front of the children?

If your mom is still with us, might be worth asking if she actually said what your wife said she said, or if she did, the context of what was really said.

Someone in your home has issues and problems. Here's a clue: It might not be you. Or, at least, all you.

And if it is, indeed, all your fault, why'd she seek counselling for herself, and not you? There's something about your wife's behaviour that makes no sense. Or, at least, needs examination. Is it possible that she is mentally ill and projecting some of her problems and issues on to you?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Not that your wife is, in any way, shape or form, a manipulative little minx?
> 
> Nor that she is trying to deliberately belittle you in front of the children?
> 
> ...


Thanks MattMatt

I did ask my Mother and she did say she said that. 

Do you think this is manipulative? 
She said this - 
"Are you planning on washing the dishes ?" 

Notice the 2 questions 
1 -What are you planning? 
2- Will you wash the dishes ? 

This is her way of asking without asking. Am I way off base here ? Am I reading to much into this. That sort of stuff really frustrates me and I do wonder why she would not just ask - "would you do the dishes PLEASE" - simple right? Perhaps next time I will answer with " I was actually planning on getting a B* " and wink and see what happens.


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## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

i dunno. First thing that crossed my mind is maybe she's having an affair. Just a wild hunch so take it FWIW. 

However things work out, it feels like you've given her control of your happiness. To lift your spirits, you might try to focus on whatever can make you happy right now, in the present moment. Example? One day I was driving and out of the blue popped back to when I was 15 years old and wished I knew how to drive and had a car. The next thirty minutes were pure bliss as I enjoyed my car, my ability to drive, and freedom to go where I wanted from that long-ago perspective. I've progressed to the point where even my flowers, a painting on the wall, a song, any many other things, can make me feel deep joy. Anything you can do to reclaim moments like that will help you deal with this. Outright misery isn't something you or anyone deserves. To me, it sounds like your wife is miserable, too, and using you for a punching bag. Since they don't make perfect people, you probably contributed to this but things sound like they've gone too far. Take a deep breath. Smile. You'll find a way to resolve this because you so clearly want to. First, go out and look at the stars. Hug your kids. Watch something on Comedy Central. It'll work out somehow.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Thanks MattMatt
> 
> I did ask my Mother and she did say she said that.
> 
> ...


That's not a way to ask someone to wash the dishes, it is a way to start an entirely groundless argument.

Your idea for dealing with that is good. You could try: "Well, I'll do the dishes, yes. But before or after I make love with you? That's up to you!"


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

23YearWife said:


> i dunno. First thing that crossed my mind is maybe she's having an affair. Just a wild hunch so take it FWIW.
> 
> However things work out, it feels like you've given her control of your happiness. To lift your spirits, you might try to focus on whatever can make you happy right now, in the present moment. Example? One day I was driving and out of the blue popped back to when I was 15 years old and wished I knew how to drive and had a car. The next thirty minutes were pure bliss as I enjoyed my car, my ability to drive, and freedom to go where I wanted from that long-ago perspective. I've progressed to the point where even my flowers, a painting on the wall, a song, any many other things, can make me feel deep joy. Anything you can do to reclaim moments like that will help you deal with this. Outright misery isn't something you or anyone deserves. To me, it sounds like your wife is miserable, too, and using you for a punching bag. Since they don't make perfect people, you probably contributed to this but things sound like they've gone too far. Take a deep breath. Smile. You'll find a way to resolve this because you so clearly want to. First, go out and look at the stars. Hug your kids. Watch something on Comedy Central. It'll work out somehow.


Thank you 23yearwife - 
I have no idea wether she's having an affair either EA or PA. 
What are clues? 
I will work on the ideas you have presented. And yes I feel I have contributed to this downward spiral. Hence the title of my post. Certain things that are happening feel really disrespectful or manipulative and when I work on working it out it erupts into a full blown argument complete with insults etc. Then we don't talk for days unless I offer first. And yes, I always offer first.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Not that your wife is, in any way, shape or form, a manipulative little minx?
> 
> Nor that she is trying to deliberately belittle you in front of the children?
> 
> ...


 MattMatt I omitted the last couple of questions you asked so here they are. 

She thought about counseling for herself to see if she wanted to stay in the relationship. That's what she told me. Mental illness is a possibility but it is unlikely as she seems very stable and her work would have noticed.


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