# Discovered husband's dirty little secret today, need advice on confronting him



## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

So when we met in college I was 19 he was 20 we were both sophomores. He was on the football team and was 6'4, 220 pounds of solid muscle. I was 5'3 and under 100 pounds and involved in several dance groups and on the intramural volleyball team. We were both in really good shape. Not so much now. FYI I'm now 48 (49 in January) and he'll be 50 in April.

Fast forward more than 25 years and 2 boys (older teens) later. He's up to almost 400 pounds with 70 of that being just in the past five years. He looks really unhealthy. His face is so chubby you can barely see his eyes and his glasses don't sit properly. And it's because he never does anything the past few years but work a desk job and play video games/watch sports when he's home and eat a TON of junk food. He used to travel all the time and was fairly active until he busted both knees in an accident about 5 years ago and they didn't heal properly. Now he only travels a few times a year and not at all since Covid.

I'm currently at 170 pounds, down from a high of 190, gained most of it since 2012 (when I was sitting around 130) which is when I was diagnosed with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis and started taking steroids that made me gain weight and that make it almost impossible to lose it again. I do intermittent fasting (I only eat during an 8 hour window each day), I'm on a really strict diet with almost no sugar/carbs, and I still dance and go hiking as much as my constantly aching joints and muscles will allow. I also have days when I'm in so much pain that I can barely get out of bed. I'm on disability because of my health issues but I do run an online antiques and clothing consignment store that takes up a lot of my time and allows me to contribute to our household financially.

Last December both of us were given wake up calls by our family doctor. My husband is developing athlerosclerosis and type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol and is heading for a massive heart attack. Doctor wants him to lose 200 pounds. I was told for the sake of my already damaged joints and my heart that I need to lose between 50-70. Doctor also told both of our sons that they need to start watching their weight as well, they're each around 6 feet tall and both right around 200 pounds. After this, all 4 of us made a pact that we would go all out to lose the weight as a family. At that point my husband finally also opened up to me that the reason we never had sex anymore and he was always watching porn was because he no longer found me attractive due to my weight gain. When he had gained a lot more and I'd never let it affect our sex life even though I haven't found him attractive since he hit about the 280 mark which was at least 15 years ago now.

Now he's pushing me constantly about my diet. If I have a bad day due to my health issues he yells at me because I sleep too much. He wants me to try going off the steroids knowing I need them to ease the symptoms from the lupus and RA. He keeps telling me how much more seriously he is taking this than I am. And yet, in the past 12 months, I have managed to drop 20 pounds from my starting weight of 190 last December (yeah, I was shooting for 50, but with the steroids that was unrealistic). And he hasn't lost ANY weight at all, in fact I think he may have gained. The boys are at least making an effort to not gain more weight even though they aren't losing either. No sports at school due to Covid and all gyms in our state being closed isn't helping them. We don't have enough room in our apartment for them to work out here.

But here's the kicker and what brought me to this site. Today I found out he's been cheating on his diet big time and hiding it from me. We have a rented storage unit that our entire family shares to store sh*t we aren't ready to get rid of yet even though we probably should. I went over there today while my husband and the boys were at my in laws watching football because I couldn't locate an item I had sold on Facebook Marketplace and I was hoping it would be in the storage unit. I hadn't been there in a while and when I opened it up the stench was INSANE. And in the back corner, buried under a pile of ruined carpets my MIL should really trash, I found several HUGE garbage bags that were absolutely FULL of food trash. Fast food containers. Pizza boxes. Chinese Bento boxes. Take out boxes. Potato chip bags. Candy bar wrappers. Soda bottles. Cigarette wrappers (he supposedly quit 3 years ago). Receipts that prove that he's been buying this stuff right along, and, I would assume, eating it in his truck, which we never use as a family. And yes, I know its his and not another family member's because the receipts were all for his debit card which no one else uses. I am SO angry. Not to mention disgusted. I have been depriving myself of all my favorite foods since last Christmas and this is what he has been doing behind my back while complaining that I'm not losing weight fast enough? And he HIDES the sh*t instead of bothering to dispose of it which is just plain lazy.

He and the boys are still over at my in laws house and I'm sitting at home alone debating how to confront him. I am just fuming. I don't know how I'm even going to get through the night so that I don't go off on him in front of the boys but I really want to wait until they go back to school in the morning. I honestly don't recall ever being so angry in my entire life. I can't believe the verbal abuse he has shelled out over the past year because I'm not losing fast enough, when he quite obviously wasn't even trying! I know I need to calm down so I can handle this without completely losing my sh*t on him but at this point I honestly am so upset I don't even want to be here when they get home. If it weren't for my boys I'm not sure I would be.

I really, really need some advice on how to handle this, because at this point I don't even know where to start. I have to assume he has some kind of food addiction but how can I help him if he's just going to hide it from me? He's not the type to see a mental health counselor, in fact he mocks me because I do see one on a bi-weekly basis to deal with my depression and anxiety issues. He doesn't really believe that mental health issues are real. He just thinks they are excuses for poor behavior. Which makes me think confronting him about this is going to go nowhere. And yet I have to confront him because at this rate he is going to drop dead of a heart attack before too much longer.

Oh yeah, and on top of all this, we just had a HUGE fight over Thanksgiving because I caught him letting our boys watch XXX rated movies with him while they thought I was sleeping. Which REALLY pissed me off. He doesn't need to be handing his porn habit down to our sons! Quite honestly, I'm really starting to wonder if I still want to be in this marriage. Problem is, I love my kids, and if I leave, I know they'll choose to stay with him, because he's the fun one who lets them do whatever they want and buys them everything they ask for.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll approach this as a woman who was married to an alcoholic. Why? Because addiction is addiction, whether it's booze or food. Your husband is hiding what basically boils down to an addiction. He's eating himself into a heart attack, but he keeps stuffing his face anyway. Then he hides the remains of his eating binges. Same as an alkie who hides the bottles.

I'll address the confrontation issue. Why do you really want to confront him? Yeah, he's probably going to keel over from a widow maker. Do you think confronting him know is going to save him? Do you think he'll put down the bag of chips and tell you he sees the light, based on a confrontation? Because I can tell you that confrontation is not going to work. 

Granted, you want him to see the light and the error of his ways. The thing is, you cannot change his eating habits. He owns that, not you. If you cannot live with someone who wants to eat himself to death, then you simply state what YOU will not accept. DO NOT tell him what to do. It's all about boundaries.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Just...ugh.

I would have kicked his obese ass (or rolled it) out the front door a long, long time ago.  Why do you put up with this cretin? 

Send his ass to a bariatric surgeon and see if they can help him. In the interim, I'd be packing up my stuff and looking for a new place to live.

There's just nothing redeemable about someone like this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Let me add this: Your husband is a colossal hypocrite. My guess is if you confront him, he'll deflect, outright lie, and turn his problem around to make it seem like it's your fault. Frankly, I'd be far more pissed off at him letting the boys watch porn. 

But, once again, I vote for not confronting. Heck, I wouldn't waste that much emotional energy on the jerk. But I'm pretty much with @She'sStillGotIt regarding kicking his worthless ass to the curb. So go ahead and confront if you wish, but be prepared to be frustrated by his response(s).


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Just...ugh.
> 
> I would have kicked his obese ass (or rolled it) out the front door a long, long time ago. Why do you put up with this cretin?
> 
> ...


I don’t want to leave because I don’t want to lose my boys. And mark my words they WOULD choose him. He’s fun, he makes most of the money, he plays video games with them (and apparently watches porn with them), he lets them do whatever they want and rarely disciplines them except over poor grades. And because they are 16 and 18 years old they would be allowed by the courts to make that decision. Even if I do decide to leave it won’t be until they’re both in college. Of course at this rate he could be dead by then.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In addition, to the food addiction and complete hypocrisy. He is probably rewriting history. He find porn and masterbation easier than a robust sex life. He isn't into porn because of you. He isn't into you because of porn. Do your sons a favor and look long and hard. Is this the role model you'd like?

You many feel choosing to stay saves your relationship with them but it also indicates that it is acceptable behavior.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Your anger hurts you, not him--watch your blood pressure. How you handle his disrespect is up to you. I'd take the boys and show them his garbage heap. In a moderate way, say how you feel to them and reveal your concern--they need an example of what happens when good health is abandoned. 

You must eat right and exercise when you are able. He has to want to change to do so. If he sees that y'alls 'mini-war' is no longer ongoing, who knows? A radical change in your normal expectations is all the evidence you need.

Can you replace mad with sad? Tell the boys you love them. You are their mom. Do not ask them to take sides.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> In addition, to the food addiction and complete hypocrisy. He is probably rewriting history. He find porn and masterbation easier than a robust sex life. He isn't into porn because of you. He isn't into you because of porn. Do your sons a favor and look long and hard. Is this the role model you'd like?
> 
> You many feel choosing to stay saves your relationship with them but it also indicates that it is acceptable behavior.


They’re 16 and 18 years old. It’s a little late to change the influence he’s had on them. And they would stay with him if I left him. They wouldn’t even have to think about it before they made the choice. He believes throwing money around is the answer to every problem which makes him a dream parent to 2 boys who own every video game system on the market because he never says no.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

21stcenturyfox said:


> They’re 16 and 18 years old. It’s a little late to change the influence he’s had on them. And they would stay with him if I left him. They wouldn’t even have to think about it before they made the choice. He believes throwing money around is the answer to every problem which makes him a dream parent to 2 boys who own every video game system on the market because he never says no.


That may be true. Children of this age will of course choose money. You are right to be mad but what exactly do you hope to gain? 
What is your goal? Should you confront him, yes? Will it change anything? it may or may not. Most likely it will not. You need to approach this as one would with any addict. The trouble is addicts won't change if they don't want to. So you have to ask yourself. What do you want? You can try to set a healthy example. You can exercise and eat right, continue to lose weight. I can tell you even if you got down to 120 or lighter I don't think your sex life will return. Your husband is only using that as an excuse. With that amount of obesity he may also have trouble maintaining an erection. Restriction of blood vessels also effect penile function not just the heart.

So you will stay in a relationship, in which you are disrespected, ridiculed and replaced with porn. Work on getting yourself healthy. I would suggest some individual counseling. You need some self respect. You deserve to be treated better.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Not so sure the boys, at least the 16 year old, get to stay with "Dad" (in name only) when Dad has been watching porn with them. You may be in a better position than you believe.

For starters, I would suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with him about... finances. Because what happens to you and the boys when he's gone is a very real concern, and he could be gone without notice. Let him know that you understand he's failing to get his physical condition in order, and you can't force him to, but there are consequences for that and you have to be prepared. 

And if he won't cooperate on that, if he's saying you cannot depend on him, then that's pretty much the relationship right? I would suggest scheduling a visit with a divorce attorney for a few weeks down the road, and it's his choice whether you keep that appointment or not. 

You have to look out for yourself, and I think it's important that your kids, much as they side with their dad, see you as someone strong enough to stand up to him and question his values and judgement.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Casual Observer said:


> I think it's important that your kids, much as they side with their dad, see you as someone strong enough to stand up to him and question his values and judgement.


Absolutely, 100% ^^this^^. Your husband bought your kids. While he was doing this over the years, I assume you passively sat by and let this happen. While you cannot undo the past, you can move forward in the future from a position of strength rather than weakness.

So by staying and thus keeping your sons, they may likely end up being just like their father. It sounds like your husband and your sons have little or no respect for you. Why do you think that is?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

WOW!!! Your husband is a gigantic a-hole. What kind of turd watches porn with his kids. Put him in the dog house don't ask him about his choices or anything act like you don't give a fudge what he does, honestly he's an adult, become Ivan Drago "If he dies he dies" (yes thats a Rocky IV reference) 

My best real advice is focus on your own health first. Check if your insurance will pay for a nutritionist. Look into detox diets, there are many that are basically designed to stop cravings for crappy fatty, sugary, processed foods. Start any kind of exercise you can manage. Look into a personal trainer or physical therapist who has a lot of experience working with obese clients with a goal of getting to not just a target weight but a target fitness/health level. Watch a documentary like Forks over Knives which will open you eyes on nutrition and you'll discover most of what you have been told is wrong. Most of the medical issues you're both dealing with are diet caused and can be diet resolved or controlled. You have spent a lot of years unhealthy, regardless of what happens with your husband, getting healthy will make everything else better. Energy levels, joint pain, mood, anxiety you can make improvements on these through correct food choices and physical activity. Don't focus on the scale, focus on making healthy choices with food, activities and lifestyle. I could give you a ton of awesome whole food plant based meals. I posted a bit on the whats cooking thread about my love of jackfruit tacos which if made correctly looks and taste exactly like yummy pulled pork. That would be my recommendation for you. When you husband sees you doing way better, feeling way better, having way more energy, maybe he will want some of that. Probably not but heres to hope. 

As far as your husband goes remind him that being that obese means a good portion of his penis has disappeared and is now hidden in the pelvic fat pad. Ask him what is the best porn site because his stubby chubby is not doing it anymore. With this type of thing shock and awe is my go to. He has multiple addictions food, nicotine, porn. Honestly If I were you I would start openly discussing what you plan to do with your life after he dies in a year or two. Ask to go over retirement savings, ask about life insurance (not that he could get any now). European river cruises are great, very social. European men dig American ladies. Check out AMA Waterways. Tell him you didn't sign up to be his nurse because he made himself sick. Once you educate yourself on healthy food choices buy only healthy food. Cook only healthy meals. Tough love. Get rid of the storage unit. 

Honestly I wish the best for you, I don't have much hope for him sadly. 

My mother, my sisters and I all tried to work on getting my father to be healthier for years. Tried to get him to quit smoking, tried to get him to stop with junk food. Even after being diagnosed with Diabetes and Emphysema he wouldn't stop any of it. Eventually he got lung cancer, he had half his left lung cut out. He started eating healthy and quit smoking but it was too late. It spread to his brain, he had one tumor cut out traditionally and had gamma knife surgery on the other. Then they did whole brain radiation to make sure they got it all. Unfortunately all the radiation killed his brain and he died at 66 in 2016. Many people don't make drastically needed lifestyle changes until it's too late. 

Good luck. Let me know if you want some basics on whole foods eating.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Not so sure the boys, at least the 16 year old, get to stay with "Dad" (in name only) when Dad has been watching porn with them. You may be in a better position than you believe.
> 
> For starters, I would suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with him about... finances. Because what happens to you and the boys when he's gone is a very real concern, and he could be gone without notice. Let him know that you understand he's failing to get his physical condition in order, and you can't force him to, but there are consequences for that and you have to be prepared.
> 
> ...


Not sure about the first thing. 16 year old will be 17 in January and that’s the age of consent in my state so I’m not sure if the court would care if he’s watching porn. He’ll be old enough to legally move out on his own so I really don’t think they can tell him where to live. I did put parental controls on our cable TV after this went down, and I’m the only one who knows the password so there won’t be any more of it.
As far as finances are concerned, I’m assuming you mean if he dropped dead? If that’s the case, it would actually be to my benefit - he’s got a $3 million life insurance policy and I’m the only beneficiary on it right now. It’s costing him a small fortune due to the weight but it has to pay out for any cause of death other than suicide. But I haven’t reached the point yet where I want him dead and I hope I never reach that point.


happyhusband0005 said:


> WOW!!! Your husband is a gigantic a-hole. What kind of turd watches porn with his kids. Put him in the dog house don't ask him about his choices or anything act like you don't give a fudge what he does, honestly he's an adult, become Ivan Drago "If he dies he dies" (yes thats a Rocky IV reference)
> 
> My best real advice is focus on your own health first. Check if your insurance will pay for a nutritionist. Look into detox diets, there are many that are basically designed to stop cravings for crappy fatty, sugary, processed foods. Start any kind of exercise you can manage. Look into a personal trainer or physical therapist who has a lot of experience working with obese clients with a goal of getting to not just a target weight but a target fitness/health level. Watch a documentary like Forks over Knives which will open you eyes on nutrition and you'll discover most of what you have been told is wrong. Most of the medical issues you're both dealing with are diet caused and can be diet resolved or controlled. You have spent a lot of years unhealthy, regardless of what happens with your husband, getting healthy will make everything else better. Energy levels, joint pain, mood, anxiety you can make improvements on these through correct food choices and physical activity. Don't focus on the scale, focus on making healthy choices with food, activities and lifestyle. I could give you a ton of awesome whole food plant based meals. I posted a bit on the whats cooking thread about my love of jackfruit tacos which if made correctly looks and taste exactly like yummy pulled pork. That would be my recommendation for you. When you husband sees you doing way better, feeling way better, having way more energy, maybe he will want some of that. Probably not but heres to hope.
> 
> ...


As I mentioned in my first post I have lupus and RA. I also have a heart defect that I was born with that is inoperable. Both lupus and RA are genetic, multiple people in my family have them including my sister and in fact lupus killed my uncle. And I’m already on an extremely strict diet. Problem is my meds have destroyed my metabolism and steroids cause weight gain. I was a stable 130 pounds for years before I started the steroids 8 years ago. And I have dropped 20 pounds in the last year mostly through low carb and intermittent fasting. I exercise when I can, but my knees are so messed up some days I can’t even walk.
My husband does have a life insurance policy and it’s worth $3 million. He makes pretty good money although he hasn’t hit 7 figures quite yet. The insurance company has to pay out on any cause of death other than suicide. We also have a lot of money in savings, retirement accounts, and the stock market. So I’m not worried about finances.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Absolutely, 100% ^^this^^. Your husband bought your kids. While he was doing this over the years, I assume you passively sat by and let this happen. While you cannot undo the past, you can move forward in the future from a position of strength rather than weakness.
> 
> So by staying and thus keeping your sons, they may likely end up being just like their father. It sounds like your husband and your sons have little or no respect for you. Why do you think that is?


My husband puts very little value on anything other than making money. You might be right that he no longer respects me, and probably it’s because for the last 8 years I’ve been on disability and contributing very little to our family finances. The first several years of our marriage I actually made more than he did and in fact I put him through his masters degree and gave him the financial backing to break into the career he wanted. We were in our mid 30s before he started out earning me. Then I got sick and couldn’t work anymore and he started spending more and more time at work and playing video games and not so much time with me or the boys. Sometimes I think he almost hates me for getting so sick. My sister has the same health issues as I do and her husband left her over it. I’ve often wondered if mine has considered doing the same. I’ve wondered if he only stays because he knows with his weight issues he would be hard pressed to find anyone else who would want him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It should be clear to you by now that he doesn't have any intention of losing weight himself but he very much wants you to. Him trying to get you to go off of your meds for lupus or rheumatoid arthritis is just cruel. 

I think you ought to let him have it between the eyes on this issue and not expect him to change anything. You should do whatever you want to do for you as far as diet without taking him into consideration since he's not taking you into consideration. Bottom line you're under 200 lb and he's over twice your weight and still eating whatever he wants to. 

I would certainly tell him to STFU about your diet and exercise because he has now lost that right if he ever had it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Had a hard time reading everything but isn't introducing pornography to minor children illegal?

Too bad you can't get some real evidence?

Proving him an unfit parent might help in a custody hearing and I believe you might do pretty well in a divorce given his income and your history and length of marriage.

I really don't have sympathy for him.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Had a hard time reading everything but isn't introducing pornography to minor children illegal?
> 
> Too bad you can't get some real evidence?
> 
> ...


According to him, the boys were already watching it in their bedroom and he walked in on them. He swears he had nothing to do with it. I actually kind of believe him since apparently it was something called hentai porn and it’s far tamer than anything he watches. I’m not even sure it technically qualifies as porn since its 100% animated. I looked it up and apparently it’s really big with teenage boys. I’d never heard of it before! He SAYS he only stayed to watch it because he’d never seen anything like it before and he wanted to see what it was all about. I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think you need to start detaching from your H (you can use the 180 for this: 180 for Betrayed Spouses ) -- he is being cruel for HIS enjoyment -- not good.
When he gets on you about your diet, just turn it around on him. Start giving HIM comments just like he gives them to you.
Start focusing on YOUR health, YOUR needs, making new friends, hobbies you want to do, your kids (any improvement you can make there and STILL be the parent, and NOT their "buddy" -- he is doing them a terrible disservice. Do they think a woman will put up with them in the real world? - not for long they won't if this is how they act).

You CANNOT change him -- you cannot force him, berate him enough to do the work, etc.. Protect yourself, your finances, and your kids as much as you can (although they are at an age where there honestly isn't much you can do).
Work on YOU. As for exercises, you don't need to go running or even walking if your joints act up. Work on what you can -- if your arms don't hurt, do small weight lifting with dumbbells. Do some crunches, etc.. On days your knees ARE ok, then work on legs or walking. Just try to keep moving.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

21stcenturyfox said:


> Not sure about the first thing. 16 year old will be 17 in January and that’s the age of consent in my state so I’m not sure if the court would care if he’s watching porn. He’ll be old enough to legally move out on his own so I really don’t think they can tell him where to live. I did put parental controls on our cable TV after this went down, and I’m the only one who knows the password so there won’t be any more of it.
> As far as finances are concerned, I’m assuming you mean if he dropped dead? If that’s the case, it would actually be to my benefit - he’s got a $3 million life insurance policy and I’m the only beneficiary on it right now. It’s costing him a small fortune due to the weight but it has to pay out for any cause of death other than suicide. But I haven’t reached the point yet where I want him dead and I hope I never reach that point.
> 
> As I mentioned in my first post I have lupus and RA. I also have a heart defect that I was born with that is inoperable. Both lupus and RA are genetic, multiple people in my family have them including my sister and in fact lupus killed my uncle. And I’m already on an extremely strict diet. Problem is my meds have destroyed my metabolism and steroids cause weight gain. I was a stable 130 pounds for years before I started the steroids 8 years ago. And I have dropped 20 pounds in the last year mostly through low carb and intermittent fasting. I exercise when I can, but my knees are so messed up some days I can’t even walk.
> My husband does have a life insurance policy and it’s worth $3 million. He makes pretty good money although he hasn’t hit 7 figures quite yet. The insurance company has to pay out on any cause of death other than suicide. We also have a lot of money in savings, retirement accounts, and the stock market. So I’m not worried about finances.


Who gave you the strict diet. If it was not a nutritionist then find out who is the best nutritionist around and go see them. If it was a nutritionist then you are probably in good shape. I'm guessing much of the diet is focused on avoiding foods that cause inflammation, no tomatoes for you. If your doctor is giving you the food advice keep one important thing in mind, doctors know very little about real nutrition. Most medical schools provide little to no education on it. It's like going to a hairdresser to get your car suspension fixed. Heck most doctors still go by the 4 food groups. Intermittent fasting works well in short burst my experience with it was that your body adapts and it's effectiveness for weight control goes away. Just something to keep in mind if you are sticking with the diet and find your progress plateauing. 

Do you think your husband is having some kind of midlife crisis. I mean he's acting very immature and self destructive. Have you gone to the doctors office with him or counseling. Why not drag him to a therapist and ask them what they think about a father watching porn with his sons and all the other unhealthy behavior. 400lbs is a medical emergency. Though the therapist might call DCFS.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

There's really only one path forward for a person who doesn't have the will power to fix his own life, he must hand that power over to someone else so that they manage his life for him. 

The fix to your husband's behavior is to deny him the cash to buy the junk food and to put him on a strict diet which you control. I get that women don't want to become a mother-figure to their husband, but your husband is weak and out of control and can't seem to fix himself yet, so it's like you've been dealt a very bad hand. You have to play it or leave the game.

I don't really have any advice on how to help him with his personality failings (the hypocrisy, etc).

Has your husband thought about stomach stapling surgery? If he goes that route, he still needs to fix his junk food habit.

You go with him to gas up his truck, and other places where he needs to buy something, then remove cash/debit/credit from his control. Pack him a lunch, he has no way to buy different or more. Be prepared for a lot of crying and anger.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

21stcenturyfox said:


> According to him, the boys were already watching it in their bedroom and he walked in on them. He swears he had nothing to do with it. I actually kind of believe him since apparently it was something called hentai porn and it’s far tamer than anything he watches. I’m not even sure it technically qualifies as porn since its 100% animated. I looked it up and apparently it’s really big with teenage boys. I’d never heard of it before! He SAYS he only stayed to watch it because he’d never seen anything like it before and he wanted to see what it was all about. I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore.


I'm not making excuses for him but previously you said (which i found pretty shocking and disgusting):
"I caught him letting our boys watch XXX rated movies with him while they thought I was sleeping. Which REALLY pissed me off. He doesn't need to be handing his porn habit down to our sons!"

Which gave a far worse view of your husband (i.e. very irresponsible and possible illegal behavior) than your clarified story. Not saying he was innocent in that but certainly a very different story to what was originally charged.

This should remind us all that there are two sides to every story and that the way things are described has a strong influence on how we react.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I would bring all of that trash home and put it in the garage. Don't say a word. If the kids ask, just tell them to go have a look and they'll understand why Dad isn't losing any weight and why the doctors are worried about him dying.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If it were me, I'd wait until the next time he said anything to me about not losing fast enough and then I'd reply with "well, tell me how you're doing it? Maybe I can switch to your way and it will work better...how much have you lost again??" And if he asks if you're mad say "nope...I'm mentally spending the insurance money I'm going to get when you drop dead." 

And it's not that he's not attracted to you..it's that he weighs so much he can't have normal sex anymore and he's ashamed of himself and projecting that onto you.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

21stcenturyfox said:


> Fast forward..


Sorry to hear


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> If it were me, I'd wait until the next time he said anything to me about not losing fast enough and then I'd reply with "well, tell me how you're doing it? Maybe I can switch to your way and it will work better...how much have you lost again??" And if he asks if you're mad say "nope...I'm mentally spending the insurance money I'm going to get when you drop dead."
> 
> And it's not that he's not attracted to you..it's that he weighs so much he can't have normal sex anymore and he's ashamed of himself and projecting that onto you.


This. His criticisms of you are the only thing you need to address.

You've tried to get him on board, but he insists on digging his grave with a spoon and you can't stop him. You've said you don't want to leave him, so no action there either.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

notmyjamie said:


> And it's not that he's not attracted to you..it's that he weighs so much he can't have normal sex anymore and he's ashamed of himself and projecting that onto you.


Yep. This hit it right on the nose.

I don't know what the answer is if you're not ready to leave him but I sure as hell wouldn't put up with his hypocrisy. At the very least, when he starts in, I would immediately leave the room. If I was feeling extra salty (which would be more probable than not), I would either say something about his disgusting pile of food trash in the storage unit, or for maximum punch, show him a picture of it.

And as for the hentai porn, I know exactly what it is. And yes, lots of teens watch it but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do especially with a parent condoning it. But your stories are conflicting. I would need clarification on that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

21stcenturyfox said:


> According to him, the boys were already watching it in their bedroom and he walked in on them. He swears he had nothing to do with it. I actually kind of believe him since apparently it was something called hentai porn and it’s far tamer than anything he watches. I’m not even sure it technically qualifies as porn since its 100% animated. I looked it up and apparently it’s really big with teenage boys. I’d never heard of it before! He SAYS he only stayed to watch it because he’d never seen anything like it before and he wanted to see what it was all about. I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore.


It's porn. It's just anime or cartoon porn and the kids shouldn't be watching it. I think you're right that they were doing it anyway.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Maybe I'm jaded as hell here, but if he fully intends to commit suicide via pizza ingestion, you may as well face reality and take out a sizable life insurance policy on him. Funeral costs can be crippling financially, let alone the bills from the medical heroics of the last 24 hours of his life. 

400 lbs is just horrifically bad weight to be for so many reasons. It seems extremely unlikely you can change whatever behavior led to that weight. He's going to need a wake call well beyond anything you can muster up.

And use all the wasted energy you've devoted to trying to get him to change / improve / be better, and spend it on getting your own health situation better under control.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well my wife did take out more life insurance on me this year. But as long as she keeps putting mushrooms on her pizza it's not going to work.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Your boys are almost out the door. Start preparing your exit. Once they out of the house, you should be too.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Well my wife did take out more life insurance on me this year. But as long as she keeps putting mushrooms on her pizza it's not going to work.


What kind of mushrooms? Lol!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

pastasauce79 said:


> What kind of mushrooms? Lol!


the boring kind that taste like bits of latex


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> the boring kind that taste like bits of latex


Lol!!


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

21stcenturyfox said:


> I don’t want to leave because I don’t want to lose my boys. And mark my words they WOULD choose him. He’s fun, he makes most of the money, he plays video games with them (and apparently watches porn with them), he lets them do whatever they want and rarely disciplines them except over poor grades. And because they are 16 and 18 years old they would be allowed by the courts to make that decision. Even if I do decide to leave it won’t be until they’re both in college. Of course at this rate he could be dead by then.


You're definitely not in an ideal situation! Seems like there are really two issues here: 1) family health/diet, and 2) sex life.

As far as confronting your husband over health/diet issues... I wouldn't confront him in an angry manner. He's obviously going to be defensive about it, and like others have pointed out, may lie, deflect, deny the food was his, etc. And what do you do then? Plan for that next step. 

Maybe confront him about it, and say you're disappointed, and explain why? (e.g. you love him, you want him to get healthy and not kill himself by his unhealthy habits) That might work better than anger here. He'll likely point to your own health issues if he gets defensive, and while that's unfair (your issues are due to genetic illness), it's going to derail the conversation.

regarding viewing porn with the kids, you should talk to him about that. Honestly... there's so much porn out there now that this is not something you can keep from teenage boys. I would talk to him about why he feels a need to _encourage _it. 

As far as your own sex life, I think this comes down to what you can live with. If you need more intimacy (or just some intimacy, period), and he can't or won't provide it, I think you may need to consider leaving at some point. How this goes may depend a lot on how you two manage weight loss and diet going forward. Do you feel there's a chance if you both got healthier, he'd cut back on the porn viewing, or not?



ConanHub said:


> Had a hard time reading everything but isn't introducing pornography to minor children illegal?
> 
> Too bad you can't get some real evidence?
> 
> ...


Their kids are 16 & 18 though... the 18-year-old is legally an adult and probably won't be subject to any custody proceedings. 

Even with the 16-year-old, I don't see a judge viewing this as a big deal. He/she could very well say "boys will be boys," and just ignore it. And enforcing custody issues is a lot harder with teenagers. Even if a court orders time with a parent, enforcing it is another issue. In our state kids start having discretion over who they want to live with at age 12. A 16 year old can go on the stand themselves, tell a judge "I don't want to live with mom/dad" and the court will weigh that for consideration.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

I'm sorry I haven't answered any of the posts for several days now. Everything has been really crazy here since I discovered that bag of hidden food trash. After thinking over my options for almost a week, I finally confronted my husband about it and he totally broke down. Cried for hours, told me how he hated himself and what a loser he was and admitted he's thought about killing himself a lot the past few years. It all ended up with him deciding to check himself into a psychiatric treatment center due to the suicidal ideation, and the center also has an addiction treatment clinic that will be helping him with his food and porn issues. He'll be there for 30 days with no outside contact allowed for the first 2 weeks (he's been there for about a week now). After that 2 weeks we'll start doing family counseling sessions via Zoom. After the 30 days his treatment team will re-evaluate if he can come home yet. I've been told it's pretty rare to keep people any longer than that. But until he comes back home I honestly have no idea where we're going to go from here. Having him gone has made it really clear to me how miserable we've both been lately and I am starting to think I do want a divorce. It's so much calmer at home with him gone and much to my surprise the boys don't even really seem to miss him. In fact my older son made a comment to me that his dad has been acting so immature that he felt like he had an older brother rather than a father lately. My sons also agree with me that when we finally get to talk to my husband again we should all GENTLY push him to have bariatric surgery if he medically qualifies for it. I'm hoping his treatment team is already talking to him about it, but if not, I'm going to ask them to once we start taking part in the family counseling sessions.
I don't really know if/when I'll be back here again but I just wanted to give an update.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Thanks for update. You have an emerging new outlook. Bariatric surgery requires significant psychological intervention as well as other conditions to be met. His counselors will know these conditions.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Thanks for update. You have an emerging new outlook. Bariatric surgery requires significant psychological intervention as well as other conditions to be met. His counselors will know these conditions.


Yes, I've had an aunt and 2 cousins who have had bariatric surgery and they've all put that weight back on and then some since so I know it's not a guaranteed fix. I also had a close friend die from complications from it. But if he doesn't do something about the weight, and soon, he's going to die from it anyway.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

Well we had our first Zoom counseling session yesterday. Just me and my husband, the boys weren't in on this one and it's a good thing. Because the bomb he dropped is that he's attracted to men and he's been hiding it from himself and from everyone else pretty much his entire life. He thinks he's bi because he obviously likes women as well, but he's been dealing with years of being ashamed of his attraction to men (strict Catholic upbringing). And he's been eating to cope with it. His counselor says that once he comes home we're going to have to decide whether or not to simply divorce or if I'm willing to let him explore his sexuality within the marriage. I already told my husband I don't want to consider either until the boys are both in college. He says he can live with that because it will give him time to work on the diet the treatment center has given him, because he knows he'll never manage another relationship anyway at his current weight. He's also being tested to qualify for bariatric surgery but they're really concerned that he might not survive the surgery because his weight has seriously weakened his heart. Apparently they've got him on a really strict diet already at the center, he's already dropped 10 pounds in a little over 2 weeks although it's probably mostly water weight. At least it's a start.

I'm going to be starting individual counseling after the first of the new year, I tried to get something earlier but no one is seeing new clients right now. I need to figure out how I feel about the idea of him potentially being with other guys while still staying married. It doesn't sit well somehow. What's the point of being married if you're no longer attracted to each other and one of you no longer wants to be monogamous? I honestly have no interest in being in another relationship, but I don't have much interest in this one anymore either. One of the things I loved about "Us" is that we were both virgins when we got together. Neither one of us has even so much as kissed anyone else much less had sex with other people because we both grew up in strict households where we weren't allowed to date in high school. We were each other's first and only relationship and that's a big deal to me. The thought of actually giving him permission to be with other people makes me kind of sick. I know if he did sleep with someone else I'd never be able to sleep with him myself ever again.

I can't help but think if he really is bisexual I'd be doing him a favor to just let him go. Because I don't think I can deal with a non monogamous marriage. Has anyone here successfully opened up a marriage for just one spouse while the other chose to stay faithful? I don't think I'd have a problem living without sex, quite honestly I think I'm demi-sexual and I have no interest in having sex with someone I'm not seriously emotionally involved with.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, I know it's all come crashing in, but honestly, this is what needed to happen. I would not broach him about bariatric surgery. First they have to control their eating or it won't work and can cause problems. 

I would stay out of that. 
Now that he has come out, he's going to be wanting to explore guys. You already know what a relief it has been not having him around and the kids don't care -- and you will always know him and so will the kids, so it's really not much of a loss to just divorce and get your freedom and set him free as well. I think it's a change that has to happen. Thanks for the update. It's so rare we actually hear someone has taken productive steps to deal with a bad situation, so it's uplifting to hear.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would just add that if you hadn't given him that little push, he might never have sought help. Some people are like that. So you did good.


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