# How would you handle this?



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Last night we were at our 11 year old son's little league game. My husband became upset with the coach's calls and plays. He made a comment about it, which the coach's wife heard. At the end of the game, I had another dad who helps coach and is a pastor at our local church ask me if my H was ok. Apparently, H got upset at the practice the night before because the boys were not running. I learned that they were emphasizing teamwork and being as strong as your weakest link, so the boys were slowing down to wait for the slower players.

My H does have an anger issue which he refuses to get help for despite numerous attempts on my part. I know that I can not force him to.

Last night as we were going to bed, 
I said to my H, "can we talk about baseball for a minute?" 
H-there is nothing to talk about
Me-well I see that you are upset about it and want to see what we can do to eliminate some of this frustration
H-there is nothing to talk about
Me-Ok, but if its bothering you, then it is our issue
H-Get out of here, Im not talking about this

About fifteen minutes later, I walk back in and said
Me-I am bothered by this and by you telling me to get out of the bedroom
H-goes into a long fit about how he spends so much money for our son to play and they keep losing and the coach does not know what he is doing (bear in mind, my H was supposed to assistant coach this team, but has not)
Me-ok, so what can we do to try to fix this
H-Don't f*#%^g worry about it
Me-Why can you not talk to me about this? I am your wife and you should be able to talk to me
H-punches a hole in the bed and starts cussing at me

I then left the room and slept in the other room.

So my question is, how would you handle this?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I hear your desire to communicate with your husband about this situation. I also hear that he made it clear that he did not want to talk about it. I can understand that he may have felt disrespected when you continued to make attempts to talk to him about something that he wasn't ready or didn't want to talk about.

From now on, if someone asks you if your husband is okay, tell them to ask your husband. He is not feeling the effects of his anger, you are and that's not fair to you. You might want to tell him the coaches wife over heard him and that you felt uncomfortable in that situation.

Punching a hole in the bed and cussing at you are both indicators of abuse. What boundaries have you set in regard to that? Neither one of those things are acceptable ways of acting, even if you were expecting something of him that he didn't like. No one "makes" another person act that way.

For me, it would be a no brainer, "get ahold of your emotional responses, or get out". It simply isn't fair for you or your child to have to bear the brunt of that anger in the ways he is displaying it and isn't teaching your child appropriate ways to cope with feelings of anger or frustration.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is only one way to handle it.

Set the expectation that his behavior isn't acceptable, and even more so, his treatment of you is unacceptable. What example is he looking to set for his son?

Take this approach unless you believe doing so could possibly put you in harm's way. If you believe that is the case, take your child and go stay with family or friend's.

There will be absolutely no impetus for your husband to want or try to change if there are no consequences or sense of loss associated with not addressing the anger issue.

If he has no check-valve telling him that it isn't ok to behave like that at a child's sporting event, then he has deeper issues.

Let it go or try to ignore it at expense to yourself and your son.

I'm not telling you to leave your husband based upon what you outline. But what I am telling you based on what you outline is that if you do nothing, all of this only gets worse - and eventually it won't be the bed he's punching.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HappyHer said:


> I hear your desire to communicate with your husband about this situation. I also hear that he made it clear that he did not want to talk about it. I can understand that he may have felt disrespected when you continued to make attempts to talk to him about something that he wasn't ready or didn't want to talk about.
> I am not sure he would ever be ready to talk about it. He seems to sidestep the real issues and wait for me to just forget rather than resolve.
> From now on, if someone asks you if your husband is okay, tell them to ask your husband. He is not feeling the effects of his anger, you are and that's not fair to you. You might want to tell him the coaches wife over heard him and that you felt uncomfortable in that situation.
> I did tell him she heard him and that it was embarrassing to me. I would like to ensure this does not happen again, as I am not responsible for his actions.
> ...


I agree.

I did text him and told him that I was embarrassed and that he went too far last night. I told him that I was prepared to leave him if he did not get some help. He immediately went on the defense as expected and said I had issues because I don't have a "decent" job. I tried to keep the conversation solely about the issue of his anger and it being inappropriate, but he keeps sidestepping the issue and says he will not get help...

Where to go from here?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Deejo said:


> There is only one way to handle it.
> 
> Set the expectation that his behavior isn't acceptable, and even more so, his treatment of you is unacceptable. What example is he looking to set for his son?
> 
> ...


This is my concern, he has been physically abusive to me in the past. Police were involved and it got really ugly. I feel that if I don't "put my foot down" about this now, then it will escalate. What else can I do or say that will let him know I will not put up with the behavior, short of changing the locks?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> I agree.
> 
> 
> Where to go from here?


Well, you already defined the expectation and consequence. And he has refused. You know the answer. The question is whether or not you have the resolve to do it. If you don't deliver on what you said you would do, you are sending the absolute wrong message. You enable and embolden him to continue the behavior - specifically with you.

Are your family, his family, aware of the issue?

*Just saw your response. The answer isn't change the locks. That will just fuel his anger - and he kicks in the door. You need to _remove yourself and your child_ from the circumstances. Even if only temporarily, so that he knows you are serious. Stay with someone - not alone.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Deejo~

Thank you for your response.

I do worry about having the resolve to deliver on what I said. I have somewhere I can go, but for how long?

Yes, his family and my family both know about his anger. Not this problem specifically, but about his anger in general.

I think if I leave, he will just see it as a mini vacation and won't really care. The kids and I are just disrupted because of his behavior...

I have not decided how to proceed because I feel it is a no win situation and my kids are just more upset. I don't want to be causing them distress or emotional scars because we pack up and leave. Should I just ask him not to come home and to give me time to process this?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

StrongEnough said:


> Should I just ask him not to come home and to give me time to process this?


Yes, ask him not to come home but "time to process" is not your reason. As others have said, he has to know there are consequences, and he has to know you are serious. It's not a test or a punishment, so you don't have to wonder "for how long." He is not to come home until he makes the decision to get help AND is in counseling so as to prove he is serious about getting help. He cannot just agree to do it in order to be allowed back home. He has to actually do it. If he refuses to leave, then you leave with the children for the exact same reason. Tell him if he wants you to return, you will be happy to come back when he is in counseling.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I understand what you are saying susan. My concern is disrupting the kids. Also, he has all the money as he has total financial control and will not proivde me any money while I am gone. I do work, but have some time off right now to avoid daycare expenses for the kids. I really feel stuck...


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I have been in text communication with him and he states that he is coming home because he pays for everything and that he "would just assume to get a divorce" I stated that the kids and I would leave if he did come home and he told me that I am putting the kids in the middle of everything...

So, I stand up for myself and he threatens divorce and guilts me into feeling like I am putting the kids in the middle.

Help me out here guys, what am I supposed to do. Just leave and let things fall where they will?


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Strong Enough~ Think of it this way.... your kids are already disrupted and upset about the whole situation. What is better for them? To be upset by leaving for a time, or to be upset that all mom & dad are doing is fighting?

You need to throw this whole thing right back where it belongs, in HIS lap! He is the one with the anger issues, he is the one with the abuse issues, HE IS THE ONE FORCING YOU TO MAKE THIS DECISION!

Men like this are masters at making you the "bad guy", dont fall for that crap. You need to protect and provide for your kids FIRST. If your H is the one holding the purse strings, leave and go to his parents to stay for a bit. At that point they will probably talk to him because its really not their responsibility to support you but they will be the most likely ones he will listen to.

Good luck! Its not easy to be in a relationship with an angry person. Personally, I found it much better to just end it and move on. I say better not easier, its not easy but it is possible!


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

We are not fighting all the time. It was this conversation regarding baseball that triggered his emotional and physical outburst.

He does keep trying to make me the bad guy and tells me he wants a divorce and is tired of this "long drawn out relationship" now via text. My inlaws live in another state, so it is not really possible to go there. I am considering texting my fil to let him know.

I know its not easy either way.

I just hate standing up for myself and then being told that we should just divorce.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

He is only threatening but will not go through with it. But you have to wonder to yourself if he does want a divorce, then why would you want to stay anyway? But seriously, this is very, very common reaction. He will not go through with it. His anger is his abusive vehicle for control. His response is another control tactic, just like him dumping it all on you to make you the bad guy. Just another control tactic. Bringing up the children to make it appear YOU are the one disrupting their lives, just another control tactic. He is determined to get his way. He is determined to do whatever he wants. He is determined not to get help because he is supposed to have his way and do whatever he wants. Get it?

Tell us this please: if you don't want to leave (since there are no other options) to force him to get help, then what do you want to do?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Call a women's hotline or shelter for immediate help and advice. You may not feel physically threatened at the moment, but who knows when that may happen, and you have rights to income on behalf of the children, as well (probably) as spousal support. He CANNOT legally abandon his obligation to support the kids even if he has driven you and them out of the house.

He has the anger management problem. There is no issue you can work on WITH HIM until he does something about that. Keep repeating this over and over to yourself and to him, until you believe it. He will have to decide on his response--he'll either listen to you and do something about it, or won't. But what he does is his real respons


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Susan2010 said:


> He is only threatening but will not go through with it. But you have to wonder to yourself if he does want a divorce, then why would you want to stay anyway? But seriously, this is very, very common reaction. He will not go through with it. His anger is his abusive vehicle for control. His response is another control tactic, just like him dumping it all on you to make you the bad guy. Just another control tactic. Bringing up the children to make it appear YOU are the one disrupting their lives, just another control tactic. He is determined to get his way. He is determined to do whatever he wants. He is determined not to get help because he is supposed to have his way and do whatever he wants. Get it?
> 
> Tell us this please: if you don't want to leave (since there are no other options) to force him to get help, then what do you want to do?


I believe that leaving and staying one may be my only option. What do I want to do? I honestly don't know. I want him to get help, but I cannot force him. I can however continue to live my life and focus on me. Do you think I should consider contacting my in laws regarding this?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Call a women's hotline or shelter for immediate help and advice. You may not feel physically threatened at the moment, but who knows when that may happen, and you have rights to income on behalf of the children, as well (probably) as spousal support. He CANNOT legally abandon his obligation to support the kids even if he has driven you and them out of the house.
> 
> He has the anger management problem. There is no issue you can work on WITH HIM until he does something about that. Keep repeating this over and over to yourself and to him, until you believe it. He will have to decide on his response--he'll either listen to you and do something about it, or won't. But what he does is his real respons


Thank you sisters. I have to remember that this is his problem.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

An update-

I did not contact the inlaws, although I am sure they know now. I did change the garage door code and I have the only house key, so he text me when he made it home wanting the code. I was in a meeting and did not get the text. The text that followed said he was going to the police. I text back at the end of my meeting and told him to go ahead and bring D home. He continued to make ignorant remarks, but finally said that I could bring him some clothes and meet him at a certain public place. I did. I handed over a bag of clothes and put my daughter in my car. Very peaceful. No arguments. He did comment that he needed clothes for the whole weekend, so perhaps, he is getting that I am serious here.

No doubt he went to his parents, so I assume they know now.

I did put a four page heartfelt letter in the bag of clothes describing how I feel and that I think we need to be apart if he can't get help. Somewhat of a goodbye letter.

Suprisingly, I am calm and at peace with my decision.


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