# My H called me a b*tch



## Tallulah (May 17, 2010)

I have been married for 6 months. My husband has been away overseas for 2 of those months (he's military). 

Sometimes I'm not sure what behavior is okay in a relationship and what's not to most people. I grew up in a bad home and admit I have a blind spot with these things. 

Would it ever be okay if your spouse called you a b*tch? (Or, whatever the guy equivalent is!)

Whenever we fight, he threatens divorce, to stop paying the rent, etc. Today he accused me of CHEATING on him (I'm not), called me a b*tch and hung up the phone. I was very angry. He called back EIGHTY TIMES after I told him I was livid and didn't want to talk to him until I cooled off. 

I started to feel guilty and answered the phone and somehow he smoothed things over, but I am still upset inside, incredibly hurt, and more confused than ever. We have so many problems and I know I should leave...I don't know why I don't.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I saw this all the time being former military. A couple of possibilities:

1. He's hearing stories of cheating wives from the people deployed with him.

2. He's been joining in the cheating that goes on when sailors/soldiers are deployed overseas.

As for call you a B****. I don't think you should accept that. A man should have more respect for his wife than that.


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## Tallulah (May 17, 2010)

I'm prior military too, so I understand that part of it. 

Aside from being controlling (checking my emails and phone activity, activating GPS tracking on my phone, bombarding my Facebook page and extreme jealously over my male friends, all of whom are happily married and across the country) he is also an alcoholic. 1 month into it, he kicked me out of our condo and I slept in a motel for 2 nights. 

I don't understand why I keep forgiving him. I feel so tough and put my foot down, he gets angrier, and in the end I am so exhausted from fighting I just give in. I hate this marriage, he will never trust me, and I am deeply unhappy.

I mean, this stuff isn't normal, is it?? I know that sounds dumb, but I really need someone to drive home to me how outrageous this is...I feel so confused.


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## dingdong (Apr 9, 2010)

Get help fast, start talking about your issues with help and keep doing it as long as you have troubles.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

I recommend doing a Google search on "Emotional Abuse" and/or "Verbal Abuse". Read some articles...

It's absolutely unacceptable for your H to talk to you that way. It conveys contempt.There's NO justification for that.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

sounds like a typical a$$hole military type who can't disconnect the way he behaves with his fellow soldiers from the way he behaves towards his family and wife. Do NOT take that kind of crap, its one thing to call each other names during a heated fight, that happens all the time and as long as you apologize for it, its not in anyway abnormal or unusual. But if he's treating you this way consistently then you deserve MUCH MUCH better, lose the zero and get yourself a real hero


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

Did you ever watch, "The Great Santini", by any chance?
The most recent post reminded me of it.


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## Tallulah (May 17, 2010)

jitterbug said:


> Did you ever watch, "The Great Santini", by any chance?
> The most recent post reminded me of it.


I'll see if I can find it on Amazon, looks interesting. 

I called the Chaplain's office to make an appointment. I know they have pretty firm confidentiality rules. I can't leave until I find a job (I moved cross country to be with him when he got orders) so I definitely don't want to tip off his command. I just have to talk to someone about this, it is crazy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That is emotional abuse. It is NOT acceptable.

You didn't marry someone to be treated like dirt.

Leave him.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It is very far from normal--the constant suspicion, the 80 phone calls. Really far from normal. Get counseling to find out why you give in, esp. when you know you hate the situation. Change can happen, but you need to be prepared to insist on it rather than saying you insist on it but not holding to whatever consequences you tell him will arise (separation, whatever). After you feel prepared, or even during individual counseling, you can try marriage counseling. If he won't go, keep going on your own to help you figure out what you want to do. (PS: even if it was normal, that wouldn't make make it right!)


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

A chaplain? I can't imagine a chaplain can help you. I see your situation and the type of support you need as being totally opposite of his training. I expect him to tell you in so many words to remain loving and supportive of your husband and to make light of the way he treats you. I think that's the last person you want to talk to. You have to make a plan and start by getting a job. I think I would actually begin by asking my parents or family to pay my flight/bus/train back home. If you have a car, as them for the gas money so you can drive back. Get a job after you arrive. I really see no point in staying where you are any longer than absolutely necessary, but if there is no one to help, then get a job now and save up until you can pay your way. It doesn't take much for a bus ticket. Do you not receive any military stipend from being his wife?


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## Tallulah (May 17, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Do you not receive any military stipend from being his wife?


I'm not sure what you mean. He makes a little extra for having a dependent. I actually pay him $500 towards rent. (My only income is my GI Bill, which expires in August.) We've only been married a matter of months, so I'm not due any benefits post-marriage if that's what you meant. 

I'm afraid going "home" isn't an option for reasons beyond the scope of my current troubles. 

I have been looking for work since September, gotten assistance with my resume at the career center. I've been applying for jobs NATIONALLY and have considered going back in the military, though this is not as easy as it used to be! 

I am going to the Chaplain because of their confidentiality. I can speak freely about what's going on at home without an automatic FAP (Family Advocacy) case being opened up. If that happens, there will be an investigation and while he probably won't lose his job, he sure won't be patted on the back for it. And right now, the LAST thing I need is more of his anger. The last time I left him, he threatened me with "war" and that he would leave me destitute. I'm not ready for war with him yet. 

No. I need to focus my energies on getting a job and THEN I can go through Family Advocacy if I want to. I resent him, but I do not feel vengeful like I want to ruin his career or anything. I know that may sound silly, but I just want to quietly slip away without enraging him further. 

In the meantime, I really need a human being to talk to face to face (I haven't made any friends here yet) and the Chaplain is my best bet. He won't necessarily approach this from a religious bent.


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## Tallulah (May 17, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> It is very far from normal--the constant suspicion, the 80 phone calls. Really far from normal. Get counseling to find out why you give in, esp. when you know you hate the situation. Change can happen, but you need to be prepared to insist on it rather than saying you insist on it but not holding to whatever consequences you tell him will arise (separation, whatever). After you feel prepared, or even during individual counseling, you can try marriage counseling. If he won't go, keep going on your own to help you figure out what you want to do. (PS: even if it was normal, that wouldn't make make it right!)



Thank you. I don't think this will change. Just 2 weeks ago he was telling me how sorry he was and how he won't do it again. 

I am speaking up for myself more now that he's overseas. I can't back up any consequence right now, he has me by the proverbial you-know-whats financially. (Why did I allow this??!!) The second I get a job offer, I'm out of here. I have to be. The longer I stay, the less respect I have...for myself.


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## dingdong (Apr 9, 2010)

No, you are doing the right thing Tullah, Chaplain, politician, whoever. Start talkinmg and keep talking. He needs to know and come in on it with you.

There are some who say LEAVE - I think this is what is wrong with some relationships - first sign of trouble and its LEAVE!!!

No. try to save it and work it out first. If it dont work then leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What she is describing is OVER THE TOP harrassment. No one normal makes 80 calls just because you hang up on them. Kicking her out, putting GPS on her phone, threatening divorce, taking over her FB page...

Can he fix himself? Yes. But to do so, YOU have to set up VERY high standards - boundaries - for what you will accept. Read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend to learn how to do so.

A good start is to tell him - while you are on good terms - that you will no longer accept inflammatory words from him. And each time he GIVES you one of these over the phone, you will hang up, and you will NOT answer the phone again (and DON'T!). The more you cave in, the more it teaches him it works.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

There are people here that are way smarter than I am, and give better advice. I am curious, though, if you love him? That hasn't been brought up yet. Do you want things to work out, or are you just looking for validation to leave?

If you're done and want to leave, then do so.

I think depending on the household you grow up in, people learn to argue differently. When my (ex) husband and I were first together, he thought the point to an argument was to win it. Who could push more buttons, you might say, and he would resort to name calling. We actually had to sit down and decide rules for arguing-what was acceptable and what was over the top. I told him that if it got to the point of him yelling, or name calling, that it was obviously to the point that nothing was going to be resolved and I wouldn't listen to it. Nothing gets resolved when it gets to that point.

Do I think that it's acceptable that he's doing this stuff? No. You both should be respecting each other as equals in this relationship. I must say, 80 phone calls seems excessive. Was it 80 phone calls in an hour, day, 2 days, week? Were they 80 phone calls to yell at you, or 80 phone calls to apologize?

I am in no way taking his side, so don't get me wrong here. I am asking you to really look at both sides. If he's overseas, in a war zone(?), then maybe he is facing death on a daily basis. If that is the case, then maybe he's feeling that while he is wondering if he's going to live through the day, he feels that you're out partying with other guys (married or not). I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but that may be how he's feeling.

What he's doing isn't normal or acceptable. Trust and respect are essential in a healthy relationship.


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## Tallulah (May 17, 2010)

Thank you all...I am reading and rereading and googling your suggestions. 

It was 80 calls in a two hour period. He hung up on me, so I felt no obligation to answer the phone...though I eventually did after a brief sojourn to the corner for coffee. I am getting better at this...a few months ago I would have answered a lot sooner. 

I am trying to keep a balanced view and a clear eye. I understand the pressure of being deployed, I really do. It can make you a little crazy. But he's always been like this. 4 years ago his excuse was work was so hard, then he was stressed because he was applying for a commission, now he's stressed because work is so hard. I'm seeing there will always be something to blame for his behavior...except his own self. 

After the fight yesterday, he called me again that night and it was close to more fighting. I asked for some space, that I needed some time to process what happened on my own, that I loved him (I'm not sure that I do anymore) but the fight was so massive that I need to be alone to heal from the hurt. 

It's always him him him. He sent emails overnight that HE was feeling so horrible and in so much pain from what happened. HE wanted to talk to me on the phone so we could "move forward". He sent a long explanation of why he resents paying the rent on a place where he is not living. Geesh. 

He just doesn't get it. The way I know, if you hurt someone and they recoil in pain, you give that person some space. If you are truly sorry, you don't make demands that the injured person talk to you. 

I know if I smooth things over and hang tight til he gets home this fall, things may be good for a while but it will eventually deteriorate. Once a month we have a huge blow up that usually results in him kicking me out, screaming at me or insulting me. I think I loved who I thought he was...now I see he is not a healthy critter.

Thanks for letting me vent. Yesterday may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I feel like my head's been put through a meat grinder.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read any of Patricia Evans' books on abuse?


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