# Hosting Xmas Party Too Much To Ask?



## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

So I was thinking of being crazy and hosting our staff xmas party at our house. After beating cancer, I don't know, it is just something I want to do. It is very out of character as we never host anything. But I think the cancer thing is spurring me on with this....

So spouses are not invited, so my spouse could be elsewhere that night. So she would not have to visit which she wouldn't prob like anyway.

Surprisingly to me, when I mentioned to my wife she flipped. She said we would have to get prof cleaners in because I don't clean up to the necessary standards. She said the house would have to be ready for the queen, and said if it wasn't it refectly badly on her even though I do the cleaning. She went on to say that she would start a war, similar to the one she pledged to start should I have bought a vehicle earlier this year.

Just wondering what people's thoughts are...I thought I would have the support of my wife but not even close.

PS btw i have finally read No Mr Nice Guy before you suggest it anymore lol.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Provided that you are physically able to host the party, with or without your W's help, then who am I to tell you "no?"

Let your heart, your conscience, and your good judgment be your guide, kind Sir! If I were in your shoes and I greatly felt like it, then I'd certainly do it!*


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

First off, congrats on beating your cancer. 

Starting a war?! Your wife seems very immature. Did you explain to her why you wanted to do this? Or that it's important to you? Does she complain about the way you clean all the time? This seems very odd. It's your home, she should be proud you want to have your coworkers over. I would be of it was my husband

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> First off, congrats on beating your cancer.
> 
> Starting a war?! Your wife seems very immature. Did you explain to her why you wanted to do this? Or that it's important to you? Does she complain about the way you clean all the time? This seems very odd. It's your home, she should be proud you want to have your coworkers over. I would be of it was my husband
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Thanks 

Yes I explained after the last 2 years fighting cancer that is why I wanted to do this. I cannot fully put into words why, but its cancer leading the way. It would just make me feel good.

I also mentioned we bought this big house and never have people over. Here is a perfect opportunity and she wouldn't even have to be here so that makes itneven easier for her.

Se mentions a few times that I don't clean well. I know I am not the best. But I do vacuum, dust, clean floors, takeout garbage, and do cat litter every night. She cooks, and does laundry. She recently mentioned she does the majority of the house stuff..which I take exception to obviously lol.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I can understand the need for cleaners though. It is a female thing. I always clean like a maniac when I know people are coming over.

Not so sure about her saying she will start a war, I don't see the need for that. If my husband suggested having his clients entertained in our place, I would be more than happy if he agreed to pay to have the house cleaned to save me the time.

See if she will go with it if you offer to arrange and pay for the cleaners.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I couldn't place you so I had to go read your other posts.....and then I remembered. This is the same wife who berated you for buying a $23 shirt and $9 hand towels. Oh yeah she's someone you can totally reason with. Not. 

She's a control freak with a capital C. 

Because I'm snarky I say start the war. You only live once and it's your house too.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Cleaners...really? I don't think so. This is your home. You clean it the way you usually do it and it will be good to go. (Just be extra cautious to get all the car hair, I know how that is!) I don't care if the queen is coming over. Your home is what you make of it. But then again I am not a stuck up snob.  The fact that you feel good enough to want to have your coworkers over should be good enough reason considering what you have been through. She is being very insensitive and immature. I am so shocked by this! It's one party. It's not going to harm anything.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I couldn't place you so I had to go read your other posts.....and then I remembered. This is the same wife who berated you for buying a $23 shirt and $9 hand towels. Oh yeah she's someone you can totally reason with. Not.
> 
> She's a control freak with a capital C.
> 
> Because I'm snarky I say start the war. You only live once and it's your house too.


Lol. Yes that is the one. I was hoping no one would read the other posts and skew things. But I guess it is a package deal  Lucky me.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Cleaners...really? I don't think so. This is your home. You clean it the way you usually do it and it will be good to go. (Just be extra cautious to get all the car hair, I know how that is!) I don't care if the queen is coming over. Your home is what you make of it. But then again I am not a stuck up snob.  The fact that you feel good enough to want to have your coworkers over should be good enough reason considering what you have been through. She is being very insensitive and immature. I am so shocked by this! It's one party. It's not going to harm anything.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


I told one of my good friends and his reaction was exactly this. I was also of this mindset. Im not using my cancer as an excuse to have an affair...its driving me to do something positive and make me feel good. I was shocked by her reaction.

And yes i did offer to get prof cleaners...but as mentioned about her reaction to $23 t shirts you can imagine the reaction to that suggestion.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Whenever I go to someone's house for a party or whatever, and it's obvious they either spent hours upon hours cleaning the place, or had professional cleaners in, I chuckle to myself!

Unless the place is a pigsty, nobody cares. Nobody. I promise you. Not one guest will remark, or even think about the fact that the place isn't completely spotless. And if they do, then they're ungrateful so-and-so's.

It's a house. People live in it. As long as it's not disgusting and cluttered and smelly... Nobody. Cares. Vacuum, tidy up, light a few scented candles, put the kid's toys away, don't leave dirty dishes or laundry around, and you're good to go. Anything else is anal and obsessive.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I feel the need to ask OP if he married my ex-wife... 

Controooool freak.



Mavash. said:


> I couldn't place you so I had to go read your other posts.....and then I remembered. This is the same wife who berated you for buying a $23 shirt and $9 hand towels. Oh yeah she's someone you can totally reason with. Not.
> 
> She's a control freak with a capital C.
> 
> Because I'm snarky I say start the war. You only live once and it's your house too.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

alexm said:


> Whenever I go to someone's house for a party or whatever, and it's obvious they either spent hours upon hours cleaning the place, or had professional cleaners in, I chuckle to myself!
> 
> Unless the place is a pigsty, nobody cares. Nobody. I promise you. Not one guest will remark, or even think about the fact that the place isn't completely spotless. And if they do, then they're ungrateful so-and-so's.
> 
> It's a house. People live in it. As long as it's not disgusting and cluttered and smelly... Nobody. Cares. Vacuum, tidy up, light a few scented candles, put the kid's toys away, don't leave dirty dishes or laundry around, and you're good to go. Anything else is anal and obsessive.


Funny this was exactly my thought...until i brought this fwd for discussion with my wife!!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sooooooooooooo.....

What if you do it anyway? Why not just say..."Look, it's Christmas and I really want to do this. If it's because you don't want to be involved in the cleaning/prep.... then don't. I can do this. It will be fine." Then do it.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Sooooooooooooo.....
> 
> What if you do it anyway? Why not just say..."Look, it's Christmas and I really want to do this. If it's because you don't want to be involved in the cleaning/prep.... then don't. I can do this. It will be fine." Then do it.


She will stop talking to me prob for a few days. Silent treatment. Thats my guess. 

I am leaning towards going ahead, but wondered what others thought. Im not scared of her reactions any longer. Because i know they are not grounded in reality much of the time.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> Lol. Yes that is the one. I was hoping no one would read the other posts and skew things. But I guess it is a package deal  Lucky me.


I'm a big fan of getting the facts out there and in your case it's an absolute must.

Besides I know I can't be the only one who remembers the great furniture debate. If she wants something it's okay but if you want something forget it. 

Control freak.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I'm a big fan of getting the facts out there and in your case it's an absolute must.
> 
> Besides I know I can't be the only one who remembers the great furniture debate. If she wants something it's okay but if you want something forget it.
> 
> Control freak.


Lol just when i was finally starting to forget about that darn furniture


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

I agree that your wife is a control freak and in your shoes the war would either be in full swing or long over by now, but it's a bit of a d!ck move to host a party in your and her home that she's not allowed to attend.


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

Your wife cares far too much what other people think, especially after what you've just faced. You just beat cancer! If you want a Christmas party then you should have one, and she should be supporting you. 

Sorry if I missed this, but why are no spouses allowed to the party?


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Random_Girl said:


> Your wife cares far too much what other people think, especially after what you've just faced. You just beat cancer! If you want a Christmas party then you should have one, and she should be supporting you.
> 
> Sorry if I missed this, but why are no spouses allowed to the party?


It is for a small group of staff only. There is another party for everyone. This small one is more about binding so having spouses there would change the dynamic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Your wife sounds like my NPD ex. Big house but would buy 'toys' like a boat and Mercedes to impress people instead of let me get a new sofa so I had to make a slipcover for that awful old thing (it was from the 70s) and we never could have people over because he wanted it to be perfect first. I didn't want to wait for perfect - perfect never comes.

Years ago I read in Dear Abby about clean houses and people dropping by. She said that people come to see YOU. Unless it is absolutely filthy, most people are there to visit, not critique your cleaning and that they won't notice half of what you do. I've learned that's true. I love to entertain and I do it a lot. I don't mind if someone drops by and the house isn't freshly vacuumed. Some people don't know how to chose their battles.

I get this celebration of life/life is too short need to host and socialize. Do it, tell her it's your house, too and you're going to put your foot down on this one. The queen isn't visiting so it doesn't have to be ready for her. Good grief. Obviously she isn't going to help. You could have everyone bring an appetizer and you provide drinks to keep it manageable. 

If you really feel the house isn't up to par, hire a one-time cleaning person to make sure the bathrooms are sparkly clean, surfaces wiped/dusted and floors done. 

Take your new-found lease on life and ENJOY!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> It is for a small group of staff only. There is another party for everyone. This small one is more about binding so having spouses there would change the dynamic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then this is not the right party to be hosting in your home. Throw a non-work party if you want to have a party.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Then this is not the right party to be hosting in your home. Throw a non-work party if you want to have a party.


Just curious but why not?

My husband has hosted work functions, training here that didn't include me. 

Only difference is he didn't make me leave because I live here.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

There is no such thing as a right or wrong party to host in one's home. 

I've been to an employee only holiday party at a persons' house, and a team building one. I don't find it unusual.

I've hosted parties where work and personal friends overlap and some spouses/SOs came and some didn't. 

Regardless it's what the OP wants to do and the wife is just being a ***** about it, IMO. In fact, a good partner (not just wife) would help be hostess, sort of stay out of the conversation a bit and busy herself with serving, freshening drinks, etc.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> So spouses are not invited, so my spouse could be elsewhere that night. So she would not have to visit which she wouldn't prob like anyway.





sunnyroses said:


> I also mentioned we bought this big house and never have people over. Here is a perfect opportunity and she wouldn't even have to be here so that makes itneven easier for her.





sunnyroses said:


> It is for a small group of staff only. There is another party for everyone. This small one is more about binding so having spouses there would change the dynamic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Mavash. said:


> Just curious but why not?
> 
> My husband has hosted work functions, training here that didn't include me.
> 
> *Only difference is he didn't make me leave because I live here.*





EnjoliWoman said:


> There is no such thing as a right or wrong party to host in one's home.
> 
> I've been to an employee only holiday party at a persons' house, and a team building one. I don't find it unusual.
> 
> ...


He doesn't want her to be a good partner and help be hostess. He wants to kick his wife out of her home for an evening. She's not on board. If she were allowed to attend but not participate that would be another matter.

OP, you say you're going to go ahead with it anyway. How are you planning to get your wife to leave? Having read your previous threads I have to suggest that if you proceed with this plan without her consent but without getting her out of the house you are playing with fire.

You guys have missed my point. I'm not saying that there aren't couples and homes that this wouldn't be a problem for. I'm saying that _this_ couple in _this_ home it's a problem. He knows his wife is not going to accept this but he's planning to shove it down her throat.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> He doesn't want her to be a good partner and help be hostess. He wants to kick his wife out of her home for an evening. She's not on board. If she were allowed to attend but not participate that would be another matter.
> 
> OP, you say you're going to go ahead with it anyway. How are you planning to get your wife to leave? Having read your previous threads I have to suggest that if you proceed with this plan without her consent but without getting her out of the house you are playing with fire.
> 
> You guys have missed my point. I'm not saying that there aren't couples and homes that this wouldn't be a problem for. I'm saying that _this_ couple in _this_ home it's a problem. He knows his wife is not going to accept this but he's planning to shove it down her throat.


So you suggest just caving in to her ridiculous demands again????

I have no issue with her being there, but she wouldn't want to anyway. 

I see no reason in your idea of what type of party. It matters none. 

Yes I just might "play with fire". Or do you suggest bowing down again???? I think this is a small potatoes battle and therefore prob a darn good one to start with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I didn't think you cared if she stayed at home or not.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm with Mavash.

Start the war, have your party. Congrats on beating the big C!!! You only live once. Don't let petty nonsense keep you from enjoying your life as you want.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> So you suggest just caving in to her ridiculous demands again????


No. I suggest you sack up and kick her ass to the curb permanently.



sunnyroses said:


> I have no issue with her being there, but she wouldn't want to anyway.
> 
> I see no reason in your idea of what type of party. It matters none.
> 
> ...


I suggested another type of party because you said she wouldn't be able to attend this one. My whole problem with you having this party is that your wife is an evil prima donna who I believe won't hesitate to sabotage your party in the most humiliating way she can think of.

Quit poking the bear and get rid of her.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> No. I suggest you sack up and kick her ass to the curb permanently.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ahhhhh..ok. Sorry, I got you now. Yes this scenario just adds to my pile of why am I staying. If I can ever get over the fear of leaving I will. But I find it hard. Albeit the alternative sure sucks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Some abusive people are just bullies. All talk very little action. Others are yes destructive. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Some abusive people are just bullies. All talk very little action. Others are yes destructive. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.


I dont think she wpuld sabotage at all. Just silent treatment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> Ahhhhh..ok. Sorry, I got you now. Yes this scenario just adds to my pile of why am I staying. If I can ever get over the fear of leaving I will. But I find it hard. Albeit the alternative sure sucks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't advocate leaving until you at least learn how to stand up for yourself FIRST. If you don't you'll struggle in the next relationship too. Just getting rid of this one won't solve your side of the problem.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> I dont think she wpuld sabotage at all. Just silent treatment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My parents are toxic and abusive. Their punishment of me (as an adult) was always the silent treatment. Their bark is way worse than their bite. 

Once I figured this out it made it easier to stand up to them.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> She will stop talking to me prob for a few days. Silent treatment. Thats my guess.
> 
> I am leaning towards going ahead, but wondered what others thought. Im not scared of her reactions any longer. Because i know they are not grounded in reality much of the time.


Silent treatment...I can't stand that. I wonder if your wife realizes this is a form of abuse. Its really a terrible thing to do to someone ESPECIALLY over something so little.

You should go ahead with the party. Screw it. She will get over it. You are doing nothing wrong here. :smthumbup:


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> I dont think she wpuld sabotage at all. Just silent treatment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, you know her better than I do. Or than I care to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Congrats on kicking that cancer in the face and in the a55!!!

I think you should totally have your Christmas party! It seems odd your wife is telling you to hire a cleaning crew and doesn't seem happy about the party.

Explain to her again it's because you have this new take on life.

You deserve to ring in the holidays with your new outlook!


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> So spouses are not invited, so my spouse could be elsewhere that night. So she would not have to visit which she wouldn't prob like anyway.


I read your other posts and there are clearly issues with you and your wife. There are big problems. 

That said- it will be a cold day in hell when my husband tells me that he is throwing a party at OUR house, the house that I help pay for and maintain, and I should be "elsewhere" that night.

In fact, actually, in addition to being icy cold it will be a very LOUD and NOISY and RUDE day and it WILL be hell for him.

I am 100% with Nucking Futs. There are restaurants, hotels with conference rooms, and generally better venues for work parties. 

In this case, I am sorry, I would consider YOU the "control freak" if you are telling your wife to GTF out for the night. A "no spouses invited" deal is fine for work, but not fine for a party at my house. Pony up the $$ with your work group and get a better, more appropriate venue. My opinion only.

Also, congrats on beating cancer! I think that is awesome. I just think you can do what you want- throw your party and celebrate- in a different venue to avoid the war in this case. You have far better issues over which you can go to war with your wife. This is a weak case IMO. Don't pick the weakest reason to go to war- pick the better, stronger reasons.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> I read your other posts and there are clearly issues with you and your wife. There are big problems.
> 
> That said- it will be a cold day in hell when my husband tells me that he is throwing a party at OUR house, the house that I help pay for and maintain, and I should be "elsewhere" that night.
> 
> ...


Again absolutely disagree. Not asking her to leave. But not out of ordinary to have staff bonding events, this one would happen to be at our house. She is welcome to stay but I don't think it would be much fun for her. 

As for weakest reason, i think a small battle might not be a bad start. Gotta start somewhere.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> Again absolutely disagree. Not asking her to leave. But not out of ordinary to have staff bonding events, this one would happen to be at our house. She is welcome to stay but I don't think it would be much fun for her.
> 
> As for weakest reason, i think a small battle might not be a bad start. Gotta start somewhere.


Well, it's your battle to fight. 

From your OP it looked like the party did not include her, as it was "spouses only." 

All I can say is, in my house, having a party where I am not invited is not something I am OK with. If my husband just went ahead and did it even if he KNEW I was not happy with it, he better be prepared for ME to do things that he is not happy with, because you can bet my "welcome" to the "guests" would be "Hi and GTF out of my house. I am sure you are a nice person but this party is already dead in the water. Later days."

The great thing about getting older is I really don't care what his co-workers think of me. It is MY house. Well, it is OUR house, but I do have a say on who is welcome here. 

My DH and I don't really have these problems because we are in a good relationship. He wouldn't do something that I was against, and the same goes for me. I am not trying to be a b!tch here, just pointing out that there are problems in your marriage because neither of you really seem to care much about the other. 

Instead, you both just kinda go at each other. I would not have said you have a go at her until this post. Why would you just do what you want in her and your home? You do realize that most work stuff stays in work-related areas, yes? Most work parties are catered or run by work? If you want your friends in, that is a different story and there really is no reason that a healthy happy marriage would exclude friends from each other. It's really only in an unhealthy marriage that this kind of constant battle occurs IMO.

And really, this is the main point for me. Fine, start somewhere small, like bath towels or furniture. Why pick a battle on an issue where it is not black/white? It's great that there are some people who are OK with having "no spouses" parties in their own homes, but really, I think most reasonable people would understand why not everyone is OK with it. You have so many other battles you can pick!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It's no worse than having a baby shower that is for women only and the H has to get lost for a few hours. Of course we tell him he can stay, it's his house too.... but it won't be any fun for him. Same with dildo parties. 

This is as good a time as any to start putting your foot down. Just go on with it. Don't ask for her help or advice. Don't tell her she is not invited. Just HANDLE it. The more things you just handle, the better you will feel, no matter what direction this relationship goes.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> It's no worse than having a baby shower that is for women only and the H has to get lost for a few hours. Of course we tell him he can stay, it's his house too.... but it won't be any fun for him. Same with dildo parties.
> 
> This is as good a time as any to start putting your foot down. Just go on with it. Don't ask for her help or advice. Don't tell her she is not invited. Just HANDLE it. The more things you just handle, the better you will feel, no matter what direction this relationship goes.


If your husband told you that he was not Ok with you throwing a party, a shower, etc in your house, would you really say "Yeah well screw you, I am gonna do what I want!" and go ahead and do it?

If I did not want a party to be thrown in MY house- a dildo party, a baby shower- BTW it is has been years since I've been to a "women only" baby or wedding shower- then there will NOT be a party thrown in my house. End of story. Apparently I am a hard-a$$ on this.

I am fortunate in that I can't really ever see my DH and I coming to an argument over this; neither one of us would host something at our house where the other person wouldn't be welcome. I have my old girl friends over, where he is happy to duck into his garage. But even so, I would seek out his OK first. I check with him before I set up something that will inconvenience him. 

My main sticking point is, no matter how much of a cow or how terrible she is, she should have a say in whether or not parties to which she is NOT invited are thrown in her own home. I would say the same thing for a man, as well.

OP, if you really want to stick it to her, go set up your party elsewhere. Go rent out some local restaurant, or a lions club etc. Let her know that YOU can do what YOU want. IMO it is really a d!ck move to force this in her home, but it is NOT a bad move at all to do what you want in a more appropriate venue. That alone might start the war you're looking for, but at least you keep the high ground. You won't trample over her rights to her enjoyment/say-so in her home, and it won't stop you from having your party, either.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

If she is so against it, why do it? If you were against it, I would also give her the same advice . Go to a restaurant, problem solved. There are issues worth fighting for but I don't think this is one of them.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

I can't believe there are posters advocating "starting a war." This is childish and petty. 

You have more than ample grounds to divorce her, but you'd rather pick a petty fight. What good is going to come of this? What good will come of the "war" you start? How is this going to help you? Are you really such a spineless twerp that you have to resort to such a farce to build up your confidence?

You complain that she doesn't respect your feelings about spending money. You're not respecting her feelings about having this party. How are you any better than her?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Your wife is just to much.You beat cancer and she
is upset because you want to have a little get together.

You have your party and have a good time.You already
know what she will do after.Just continue on like
you don't give a care.If you stop jumping for her
all the time, the worst she can do is divorce you.

Your wife should be happy that your healthy again
and not trying to cause more headache and stress.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Why wouldn't you allow your colleagues to bring their spouse. Let them know it's just drinks and nibbles and they won't stay long anyway.

As far as cleaning the house, well there will be some parts of the house that are already off limits to guests anyway (like the bedrooms, unless you are trying to create content for TAM :lol

Clean the kitchen, the bathrooms that you will direct your guests to, vacuum the carpet, wipe the surface and put fragile items out of reach. what more do you need to do?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> I read your other posts and there are clearly issues with you and your wife. There are big problems.
> 
> That said- it will be a cold day in hell when my husband tells me that he is throwing a party at OUR house, the house that I help pay for and maintain, and I should be "elsewhere" that night.
> 
> ...


WOW! I am shocked by this! Not once did he say he was KICKING his wife out of the house for the night. He said a few times she wouldn't want to stay anyways. Your acting like he is throwing her out and this is not the case. This is a work function! I do not bring my husband to my staff meeting and get together's and he understand that's. I feel bad for you husband to have to deal with your rath over something so silly. Your saying that he needs to grow up, yet if your husband was to do this to you, you would make his life hell for it? Hmm, sounds odd doesn't it. Why should he have the get together somewhere else when he has a home he would like to bring these people into, a home he is probably proud of and wishes to have his coworkers come to. This blows my mind.

Sunnyroses, I hope you are able to make the decision that best suites YOU. She will get over it. If she wants to be part of it great, sheesh, I would love for my husband to do something like this and I could go out to the movies or something. I'm sure your wife has friends or family she could visit.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> WOW! I am shocked by this! Not once did he say he was KICKING his wife out of the house for the night. He said a few times she wouldn't want to stay anyways. Your acting like he is throwing her out and this is not the case. This is a work function! *I do not bring my husband to my staff meeting and get together's* and he understand that's. I feel bad for you husband to have to deal with your rath over something so silly. Your saying that he needs to grow up, yet if your husband was to do this to you, you would make his life hell for it? Hmm, sounds odd doesn't it. Why should he have the get together somewhere else when he has a home he would like to bring these people into, a home he is probably proud of and wishes to have his coworkers come to. This blows my mind.
> 
> Sunnyroses, I hope you are able to make the decision that best suites YOU. She will get over it. If she wants to be part of it great, sheesh, I would love for my husband to do something like this and I could go out to the movies or something. I'm sure your wife has friends or family she could visit.


Do you have them at home against his express wishes? What the hell is wrong with you people? Is she to have no say in what transpires in her own home? 

What if he decides he wants to host a party for all the prisoners that were released from prison in his state this year. Should she have no say about that? How about just setting up an open house and putting an ad on craigslist? Is that ok? At what point does the fact that this woman objects to this get together taking place in her home become irrelevant? Is it because she's a shrew and you're happy that her henpecked husband is finally going to stick it to her? 



sunnyroses said:


> It is for a small group of staff only. There is another party for everyone. This small one is more about binding so having spouses there would change the dynamic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesn't want her there. She's not invited. How many of you advocating for him to do this would treat your own spouse this way? How many of you would tell your spouse that you don't care what they think, you're going to host a party at home that they are not welcome at? If your spouse objected to this and was willing to go to war over it, would you still do it? I wouldn't treat my gf this way and I would not accept her treating me this way.

OP has so many reasons to have a problem with his wifes attitude. This is a valid reason for her to have a problem with his. OP, this is not the front you want to start the war on. You have no high ground here.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I hate having people in my house. HATE it. I don't even like having extended family over. We had a garage sale last year and it was driving me out of my mind that there were strangers *RIGHT IN MY CARPORT*. 

We still had the garage sale, because my wife wanted to, and she worked hard on it.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Do you have them at home against his express wishes? What the hell is wrong with you people? Is she to have no say in what transpires in her own home?
> 
> What if he decides he wants to host a party for all the prisoners that were released from prison in his state this year. Should she have no say about that? How about just setting up an open house and putting an ad on craigslist? Is that ok? At what point does the fact that this woman objects to this get together taking place in her home become irrelevant? Is it because she's a shrew and you're happy that her henpecked husband is finally going to stick it to her?
> 
> ...


Holy overreaction! These are people he works with, not jail folk! This is what they do apparently. We have staff meeting at each others houses all the time, and No spouses are allowed, they are not involved in our day to day work, so what would they have to input? NOTHING! My Husband was happy to go out for a few hours with the guys and shoot the ****. This man's wife likes to control things, they is a power trip she is on, that's all it is. The man fought cancer for god sakes, let him have a party in HIS HOME! I understand it is her home also, but really. That's childish to not allow him one night with his coworkers in said home. Her reasoning for him NOT having this party are childish, there is no good reason not to. Hire a cleaner if it will shut her up, but maybe he wants to do things on his own, like a big boy. I would never treat my husband this way, especially since he has been through so much. 

Secondly, he didn't say he didn't want her there. He said she wouldn't want to be there anyways. So again, this is her power trip. I didn't realize I was attached to my H while at home and we weren't allowed to have our own lives and friends/coworkers outside or inside the home.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Holy overreaction! These are people he works with, not jail folk! This is what they do apparently. We have staff meeting at each others houses all the time, and No spouses are allowed, they are not involved in our day to day work, so what would they have to input? NOTHING! *My Husband was happy to go out for a few hours with the guys and shoot the ****.* This man's wife likes to control things, they is a power trip she is on, that's all it is. The man fought cancer for god sakes, let him have a party in HIS HOME! I understand it is her home also, but really. That's childish to not allow him one night with his coworkers in said home. Her reasoning for him NOT having this party are childish, there is no good reason not to. Hire a cleaner if it will shut her up, but maybe he wants to do things on his own, like a big boy. I would never treat my husband this way, especially since he has been through so much.
> 
> Secondly, he didn't say he didn't want her there. He said she wouldn't want to be there anyways. So again, this is her power trip. I didn't realize I was attached to my H while at home and we weren't allowed to have our own lives and friends/coworkers outside or inside the home.


Would you have still done it if you knew it pissed him off? If he fought you about it before hand? If he threatened to start a war over it? Would you shove this down his throat?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I hate having people in my house. HATE it. I don't even like having extended family over. We had a garage sale last year and it was driving me out of my mind that there were strangers *RIGHT IN MY CARPORT*.
> 
> We still had the garage sale, because my wife wanted to, and she worked hard on it.


But you agreed to have it didn't you? Or did you tell her no way in hell you'd put up with her having a garage sale and she did it anyway?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What if you do need the help of professional domestic cleaners? They usually come in a small team and can spring clean an average sized house in no time at all. Not a bad idea for every working couple to do this every so often, providing finances permit.

As for catering, you could host a classy festive c0cktail affair, which would keep food prep etc down to a minimum.

If these suggestions don't meet with your wife's approval, then I think you have bigger problem than using your own home to host a staff get together, OP.

Well done for beating the cancer. Now it's time to live!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Would you have still done it if you knew it pissed him off? If he fought you about it before hand? If he threatened to start a war over it? *Would you shove this down his throat?*


Please. This is not what's happening. Pretty sure she is starting the war with something so petty. Take into account the situation. I would explain to my husband why this is important and Yes, I would have had it anyways. If he wants to sit upstairs and sulk, go for it. That's his choice. This is WORK related. My job is important to me and being able to have people in our home is too. We do not have work functions at the ofc or a conference room cause there is only around 10 of us and who wants to be in the ofc anymore then 9-5 Mon-Fri, not me! I would rather be in the comfort of my own home.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The only way I could understand he being upset was if you didn't invite her/told her she wasn't invited in her own home. Otherwise, I don't get the hatred for a Christmas party. Especially following you beating cancer. Perhaps she's a... Grinch.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I would be the same as your wife....crazy cleaning.

If you can, hire a cleaning company.

Then party on Dude!


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Oh, wait....I missed the no spouses part...

Party in my house without me? 

I don't think so......


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Holy overreaction! These are people he works with, not jail folk! This is what they do apparently. We have staff meeting at each others houses all the time, and No spouses are allowed, they are not involved in our day to day work, so what would they have to input? NOTHING! My Husband was happy to go out for a few hours with the guys and shoot the ****. This man's wife likes to control things, they is a power trip she is on, that's all it is. The man fought cancer for god sakes, let him have a party in HIS HOME! I understand it is her home also, but really. That's childish to not allow him one night with his coworkers in said home. Her reasoning for him NOT having this party are childish, there is no good reason not to. Hire a cleaner if it will shut her up, but maybe he wants to do things on his own, like a big boy. I would never treat my husband this way, especially since he has been through so much.
> 
> Secondly, he didn't say he didn't want her there. He said she wouldn't want to be there anyways. So again, this is her power trip. I didn't realize I was attached to my H while at home and we weren't allowed to have our own lives and friends/coworkers outside or inside the home.


Wow. I hole heartedly agree. I have no words for the comments from other posters. Its a work function. For 4 hours. Your comments about inviting jail convicts are priceless. At least you've made me laugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> Wow. I hole heartedly agree. I have no words for the comments from other posters. Its a work function. For 4 hours. Your comments about inviting jail convicts are priceless. At least you've made me laugh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesnt want the party due to cleaning. She doesnt think i can clean well enough. She wont let me hire a cleaner. She knows this means a lot to me. This has nothing to do with her not being there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> Oh, wait....I missed the no spouses part...
> 
> Party in my house without me?
> 
> I don't think so......


If it was a work related party, I'd use it as an opportunity to go out for dinner and catch a movie with my female friends.

Including spouses would up the numbers, and if the OP's W didn't absent herself from the party it would be difficult, IMO, for the OP to tell his work colleagues "no spouses."


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> She doesnt want the party due to cleaning. She doesnt think i can clean well enough. She wont let me hire a cleaner. She knows this means a lot to me. This has nothing to do with her not being there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do your finances permit you hiring a cleaner / cleaning team for a few hours?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Well, as a spouse who IS invited to the company party, I'd take exception to being left out at my own home.

I do understand the desire for the house to be better then spotless, but if you can afford a professional cleaner, I don't see the problem.

The issue isn't cleaning if she won't go with a housekeeping crew, and if attendance is not important to her...well, yeah, I suspect you have other issues.

Congrats on getting healthy BTW!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> But you agreed to have it didn't you? Or did you tell her no way in hell you'd put up with her having a garage sale and she did it anyway?


No, I agreed she could have it. Gritted my teeth and got through it. She enjoyed herself, I didn't. That's ok.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Trying to see both sides here and I understand why the OP would like to host the party. I really do. I also understand the wife. As a wife myself, I know that the holidays can be stressful. So many obligations before adding a house party. Women often don't want to have people over because they take pride in their homes and consider it a reflection on themselves (right or wrong). During the holidays, my house is typically cluttered and doesn't recover until mid-January. Between the stress of getting the house ready, cleaning up after the party, finding something to do that night to get away and still making sure holiday and regular obligations are met...it can make a woman crazy. Think if she had invited the girls over to use your man cave/hunting gear/car/motorcycle/insert whatever man-thing you love here?

If you absolutely must hold the party at your house, I think you should offer to really make it clean to her standards (either by you or a service), clean up ANY AND ALL MESS after the party is over (do not put it on her...she should not have to clean up after a party she isn't invited to!) and maybe give her a gift certificate to a movie, spa, theatre, etc. to entertain her while she needs to be out. With those things, she should really be supportive of it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Please. This is not what's happening. Pretty sure she is starting the war with something so petty. Take into account the situation. *I would explain to my husband why this is important and Yes, I would have had it anyways. If he wants to sit upstairs and sulk, go for it. That's his choice.* This is WORK related. My job is important to me and being able to have people in our home is too. We do not have work functions at the ofc or a conference room cause there is only around 10 of us and who wants to be in the ofc anymore then 9-5 Mon-Fri, not me! I would rather be in the comfort of my own home.


What if he doesn't want to go upstairs and sulk about it? What if he wants to sit on the couch and watch a ball game? You don't care how he feels about it, why should he care how you feel about it? And it's not your own home, it's a shared home, and the person you're sharing it with has as much right to use the common spaces as you do. Frankly I find your attitude of _what you want is what happens and he can go sulk if he wants_ to be extremely selfish.



yeah_right said:


> Trying to see both sides here and I understand why the OP would like to host the party. I really do. I also understand the wife. As a wife myself, I know that the holidays can be stressful. So many obligations before adding a house party. Women often don't want to have people over because they take pride in their homes and consider it a reflection on themselves (right or wrong). During the holidays, my house is typically cluttered and doesn't recover until mid-January. Between the stress of getting the house ready, cleaning up after the party, finding something to do that night to get away and still making sure holiday and regular obligations are met...it can make a woman crazy. Think if she had invited the girls over to use your man cave/hunting gear/car/motorcycle/insert whatever man-thing you love here?
> 
> *If you absolutely must hold the party at your house, I think you should offer to really make it clean to her standards (either by you or a service), clean up ANY AND ALL MESS after the party is over (do not put it on her...she should not have to clean up after a party she isn't invited to!) and maybe give her a gift certificate to a movie, spa, theatre, etc. to entertain her while she needs to be out. With those things, she should really be supportive of it.*


My mind is blown by the utter selfishness I'm seeing in this thread, but the fact is that his wife is an evil shrew and there is no way he's going to get her on board with this. None. I have supported the OP going ahead with what he wants to do despite what she says in every other thread, but he's backed down on each of those much more reasonable ones. This one involves him using what should be shared space exclusively against her wishes and that's not something I can support. 

OP, I've said it before and I'll reiterate, this is not the hill to die on. You are not in the right here.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Oh, wait....I missed the no spouses part...
> 
> Party in my house without me?
> 
> I don't think so......


I'm really shocked with how many of you would not allow something like this in YOUR home. Pretty sure you both own the home. I can understand if he was having friends over and just didn't want his wife there, but this is not the case.

A lot of controlling people in this group. Sheesh!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I'm really shocked with how many of you would not allow something like this in YOUR home. Pretty sure you both own the home. I can understand if he was having friends over and just didn't want his wife there, but this is not the case.
> 
> A lot of controlling people in this group. Sheesh!


I can't believe that you said that you don't care what your husband says you'd go ahead anyway and you have the nerve to call me controlling for saying I would respect my GF's wishes and would not tolerate her not respecting mine. _You're_ controlling, I'm respectful of my partners feelings.

You're lucky you married a beta. Or an omega.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> My mind is blown by the utter selfishness I'm seeing in this thread, but the fact is that his wife is an evil shrew and there is no way he's going to get her on board with this. None.


Imo, it's also very selfish of her not to support him in this. He has been through a LOT and he's only asking for three to four hours to throw a party at their house. He's not kicking her out and will take care of the cleaning. 

However you have pointed out the bigger issue. There seems to be no compromising in this marriage. Why is there this big power struggle? Being in a relationship like that is miserable (I know!) and they have to learn to communicate and compromise otherwise the marriage is going to fail.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> What if he doesn't want to go upstairs and sulk about it? What if he wants to sit on the couch and watch a ball game? You don't care how he feels about it, why should he care how you feel about it? And it's not your own home, it's a shared home, and the person you're sharing it with has as much right to use the common spaces as you do. Frankly I find your attitude of _what you want is what happens and he can go sulk if he wants_ to be extremely selfish


Clearly we are NOT going to agree on this. My husband would never do that. We try to communicate and make sure its a win win kinda thing. I cannot really say much more about it. I would make sure Hubby is happy before the party, I mean he is a grown man and can go out with his friends for some fun. If you think I have a "what you want is what happens and he can go sulk if he wants" attitude than that's fine. I do not agree with that at all. I DO stick up for myself and what I believe though, so maybe I am to strong of a woman for you, who knows.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I want the house cleaned, I just tell my husband we're having a party. He goes into killer cleaning machine mode. 

Why don't you just go ahead and hire the cleaning crew?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm curious, though - why are spouses not allowed?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> She doesnt want the party due to cleaning. She doesnt think i can clean well enough. She wont let me hire a cleaner. She knows this means a lot to me. This has nothing to do with her not being there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, you SAY you've read NMMNG. But it doesn't appear to have sunk in.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> I can't believe that you said that you don't care what your husband says you'd go ahead anyway and you have the nerve to call me controlling for saying I would respect my GF's wishes and would not tolerate her not respecting mine. _You're_ controlling, I'm respectful of my partners feelings.
> 
> You're lucky you married a beta. Or an omega.


This is just laughable. Thanks for the info, I will be sure to let my Hubby know you feel this way. He will also get a laugh out of it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Clearly we are NOT going to agree on this. My husband would never do that. We try to communicate and make sure its a win win kinda thing.


You seem to think that I haven't read your thread in Considering Divorce or Separation. The above is simply not true.



imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> If you think I have a "what you want is what happens and he can go sulk if he wants" attitude than that's fine. I do not agree with that at all.





imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I would explain to my husband why this is important and Yes, I would have had it anyways. If he wants to sit upstairs and sulk, go for it.


Gee, I wonder where I got that impression.

Oh, and looking back at your other threads in Sex in Marriage I withdraw the beta comment. He's clearly omega.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you knew all about my life and husband from one thread, I also didn't realize people would be throwing that thread back in my face. I did not say my marriage was perfect, the reason ANY of us are here is telling the opposite of that. I know how H would react, that is not for you to tell me differently. He would sulk and act like a child, but he would NOT sit on the couch while people are over and do it. He cares to much for what others think about him to do that. Once again you are taking things to the extreme.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you knew all about my life and husband from one thread, I also didn't realize people would be throwing that thread back in my face. I did not say my marriage was perfect, the reason ANY of us are here is telling the opposite of that. I know how H would react, that is not for you to tell me differently. He would sulk and act like a child, but he would NOT sit on the couch while people are over and do it. He cares to much for what others think about him to do that. Once again you are taking things to the extreme.


Are you being deliberately obtuse or are you simply not understanding? I didn't tell you how your husband would react, I presented a hypothetical situation based on how a lot of men would react. I'm trying to get you to broaden your extremely narrow view and understand that your husbands reactions are not the yard stick anyone else should be basing their decisions on. Your husband would sulk and act like a child but not challenge your controlling nature because he's an omega. I'm basing that on all three of your threads. I'm telling you that your attitude would not be accepted by most men.

And I don't know all about your life and husband from one thread. I do know enough to know that "My husband would never do that. We try to communicate and make sure its a win win kinda thing" is not true. 

Do yourself a favor and get your husband a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer. You'll both be happier for him reading it.

Enough thread jack. 

One thing I've noticed is that most of the people that are egging the op on are not in a similar relationship. Their mates are reasonable and willing to compromise. 

I've left the house for baby showers, but it was my choice. Baby showers are a special kind of boring hell. But no one's going to tell me I have no say over what happens in my home.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Feel free to disagree with me, but I though the OP clearly stated that spouses were not invited...including his. He tried to soften it by saying that she wouldn't want to be there anyway, but IMO he does not want her there. I suggested he offer compromise to make it work. It may not be agreeable to everyone on here.

For the record, in my marriage, if either one of us strenuously argued against something at this level, the other would simply back down. We like to pick our battles and something like this would not be worth the drama.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> WOW! I am shocked by this! Not once did he say he was KICKING his wife out of the house for the night. He said a few times she wouldn't want to stay anyways. Your acting like he is throwing her out and this is not the case. This is a work function! I do not bring my husband to my staff meeting and get together's and he understand that's.


Yeah, I don't bring my husband to my staff meetings either. He does happily join me for my annual work get-together, he loves a good party, free dinner and drinks. We even won a flat-screen TV once. You know, he actually enjoys himself. 

It's great that your husband is in agreement with you re: your job stuff. The OP's wife isn't in agreement. 

BTW he is throwing her out for a time, he softened his stance later on but it was pretty clear that the wants her "elsewhere". Those were his words . And really, it's irrelevant. 



> I feel bad for you husband to have to deal with your rath over something so silly. Your saying that he needs to grow up, yet if your husband was to do this to you, you would make his life hell for it? Hmm, sounds odd doesn't it.


I told my husband about this thread and he just laughed- he said he could totally see me standing at the door, with a party kazoo in my hand and directions to the bar up the street, playing bouncer saying "GTF out folks! You don't have to go home but you can't stay here! Party's up the street!" 

You call it wrath but in my eyes, it is just holding my line. I didn't say I'd call him names, trash him to his co-workers, etc. However, I am not a doormat. And my DH knows that, he didn't marry a wall-flower. BTW my DH wouldn't consider it wrathful, either. Per his own words, he would consider it "well-played."

This is because my DH and I have our rules of engagement. We agree that neither of will win at the other's expense. We can nearly always find a win-win, and if we can't, we put the issue on hold until we can come up with something. 



> Why should he have the get together somewhere else when he has a home he would like to bring these people into, a home he is probably proud of and wishes to have his coworkers come to. This blows my mind.


He should have the get-together somewhere else because the other person who lives in the house and contributes to its payment and upkeep does't want to have the get-together there. 



> I would explain to my husband why this is important and Yes, I would have had it anyways. If he wants to sit upstairs and sulk, go for it. That's his choice.





> We try to communicate and make sure its a win win kinda thing. I cannot really say much more about it.


To me, a "win-win" does not mean "I'll look for a win-win but really, I am going to do what I want. How many husband handles this disregard/disrespect is up to him." I call that "I will do what I want, I will gain, at my husband's expense." IMO it is a classic "Win-Lose."

However, I better understand your thought process on this thread, using your definition of "win-win"; and following the same line of thought, I can see why you feel there are lots of "controlling" people in this thread. To each their own. 


I think the main issue here is that this would be pretty to resolve for most healthy couples. There are many suggestions on the thread on how to find a win-win, like hire a cleaning company, hold the party elsewhere, he could set up something she loves during that time like a great spa day or something, etc. However, the OP and his wife can't seem to negotiate successfully on much of anything, including really small things like bath towels and furniture, IIRC. I can certainly believe that they won't be able to negotiate this, either.

The OP says that his wife knows it is important to him but she won't budge, and and this could certainly be true. On his side, he seems to believe that he is just entitled to stick it to her and do what he wants anyway. It's a bad situation all the way around. For me, I would take a different route than the OP, but to each their own.

Regardless of what you do with this situation, OP, I hope you hit the 180 so you start to detach, start the paperwork, and look forward to throwing the BEST Christmas party in your new place on your own in 2014.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

If you offered to host the party without asking your wife first, that is pretty inconsiderate. Especially since she is not invited. I would feel exactly the same way she does since you are unilaterally deciding to host a party in her home...its not just your house. I completely disaprove of the let's go out and party without our spouses type of holiday parties. It's not family friendly to make people choose between family and work on their own time. Knowing your backstory does not change my opinion on this situation. You are being really inconsiderate and selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> Yeah, I don't bring my husband to my staff meetings either. He does happily join me for my annual work get-together, he loves a good party, free dinner and drinks. We even won a flat-screen TV once. You know, he actually enjoys himself.
> 
> It's great that your husband is in agreement with you re: your job stuff. The OP's wife isn't in agreement.
> 
> ...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

> *I understand what you are saying here, but I see it as a win for him to. Get out of the house for a bit and spend sometime with your friends. My H is super shy and quiet with others, so for me, this would be a great time for him to get out and do something*


Once again you are missing the point. Your husband doesn't mind. This spouse does.

If one spouse wants to host a party that the other spouse is not permitted to attend, and the other spouse doesn't mind getting out of the house for it then I have nothing to say about it. But if the other spouse objects but you don't care and do it anyway, then that is not win/win, it's win/lose.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Once again you are missing the point. Your husband doesn't mind. This spouse does.
> 
> If one spouse wants to host a party that the other spouse is not permitted to attend, and the other spouse doesn't mind getting out of the house for it then I have nothing to say about it. But if the other spouse objects but you don't care and do it anyway, then that is not win/win, it's win/lose.


Again, we are not going to agree. I am not stupid, I do understand, but I do not agree with you. I think you just like to push peoples buttons. Thanks for trying.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Again, we are not going to agree. I am not stupid, I do understand, but I do not agree with you. I think you just like to push peoples buttons. Thanks for trying.


Do you honestly disagree with my contention that forcing someone to do something against their will is not win/win?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Do you honestly disagree with my contention that forcing someone to do something against their will is not win/win?


I understand that. To YOU it's not a win win, BUT as I said, it could be if she would just go out and do something else. This has been blown up because of closed minded people who think there opinion is the only one that matters and everyone else's are *wrong*. The only reason I agree with this is because of what this man has been through. I don't condone fighting with your spouse, I try not to fight with mine, at the same time I will not be walked all over either. He has every right to want to do this. She should be thankful her husband is still alive and let him have this, even if only to make himself feel better. Sheesh.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I understand that. To YOU it's not a win win, BUT as I said, it could be if she would just go out and do something else. This has been blown up because of closed minded people who think there opinion is the only one that matters and everyone else's are *wrong*. The only reason I agree with this is because of what this man has been through. I don't condone fighting with your spouse, I try not to fight with mine, at the same time I will not be walked all over either. He has every right to want to do this. She should be thankful her husband is still alive and let him have this, even if only to make himself feel better. Sheesh.


Got to say the last 2 sentences sum up exactly the issue I have with her position on this. Step back, and in the grand scheme of life, this should have been a complete no friggin brainer for her. But again she decided the house needed to be ready for the queen and did not approve of my request. Very simple. Not nearly as complicated as this has blown up to be on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> *I understand that. To YOU it's not a win win, BUT as I said, it could be if she would just go out and do something else.* This has been blown up because of closed minded people who think there opinion is the only one that matters and everyone else's are *wrong*. The only reason I agree with this is because of what this man has been through. I don't condone fighting with your spouse, I try not to fight with mine, at the same time I will not be walked all over either. He has every right to want to do this. She should be thankful her husband is still alive and let him have this, even if only to make himself feel better. Sheesh.


So if I'm understanding you properly, forcing someone to do something against their will can be a win/win if the person being forced just goes out and does something else? Really?

Is there a limit to that? Is it ok in your book to force an unwilling partner to spend the night away from home? As long as they go and find someplace else to sleep, of course.

For that matter, aside from the OP who is picking a mighty strange event to find his gonads, is there anyone else reading this thread that agrees with imhisbeautifuldisaster that it's a win/win to force your spouse to do something against his/her will?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> Got to say the last 2 sentences sum up exactly the issue I have with her position on this. Step back, and in the grand scheme of life, this should have been a complete no friggin brainer for her. But again she decided the house needed to be ready for the queen and did not approve of my request. Very simple. Not nearly as complicated as this has blown up to be on here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just to play Devil's Advocate, can I reverse it for the sake of discussion? In the grand scheme of life, it could be a no friggin brainer for you as well. Why are you so adamant about having a party at your home that does not include your wife and she does not want? What's wrong with holding it somewhere else? I think the bigger issue here is that you two aren't communicating. You are both making a last stand at the wrong battlefield.

And personally, I would remove the cancer aspect from the debate. I'm sure she is thrilled and grateful you are recovered. I would not call that into question. I'm not sure that should even be part of this particular debate you're having.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

I completely disagree with imhisbeautifuldisaster and anyone else who thinks its no big deal to force anything on your partner that they aren't comfortable with. It's unethical and creates resentment in a marriage. You all could benefit from reading His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley which lays out the policy of joint agreement. When you disagree, you should negotiate until you find a real win-win situation. Then neither partner is forced into anything by their spouse. 

Maybe some of you would be fine with the party that the OP is proposing, but the point is that HIS WIFE ISN'T. She is a separate person with her own comfort levels and boundaries. Get over this type of thinking that what is fine by you must be fine for every other person in the world. 

I agree that the cancer recovery should be left out if this. It's great that you are recovered OP, but you are not automatically entitled to do whatever you want because of it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> I completely disagree with imhisbeautifuldisaster and anyone else who thinks its no big deal to force anything on your partner that they aren't comfortable with. It's unethical and creates resentment in a marriage. You all could benefit from reading *His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley *which lays out the policy of joint agreement. When you disagree, you should negotiate until you find a real win-win situation. Then neither partner is forced into anything by their spouse.
> 
> Maybe some of you would be fine with the party that the OP is proposing, but the point is that HIS WIFE ISN'T. She is a separate person with her own comfort levels and boundaries. Get over this type of thinking that what is fine by you must be fine for every other person in the world.
> 
> ...


I actually just ordered this as well as the "5 Love Languages" off of Amazon, I have heard great things about them both.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I actually just ordered this as well as the "5 Love Languages" off of Amazon, I have heard great things about them both.


Oh cool. Both of those books are great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> I completely disagree with imhisbeautifuldisaster and anyone else who thinks its no big deal to force anything on your partner that they aren't comfortable with. It's unethical and creates resentment in a marriage. You all could benefit from reading His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley which lays out the policy of joint agreement. When you disagree, you should negotiate until you find a real win-win situation. Then neither partner is forced into anything by their spouse.
> 
> Maybe some of you would be fine with the party that the OP is proposing, but the point is that HIS WIFE ISN'T. She is a separate person with her own comfort levels and boundaries. Get over this type of thinking that what is fine by you must be fine for every other person in the world.
> 
> ...


I don't agree with this. He said in the first post this was one of the reason's he wanted to have the party. This is very important to him, so she should try and understand this. For me, if my husband was sick for years and he was FINALLY feeling good enough to have a WORK GET TOGETHER I would be all for it. SHE is being selfish and ungrateful. As I said, she should be thankful her H is here to have a party! So heartless


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I don't agree with this. He said in the first post this was one of the reason's he wanted to have the party. This is very important to him, so she should try and understand this. For me, if my husband was sick for years and he was FINALLY feeling good enough to have a WORK GET TOGETHER I would be all for it. SHE is being selfish and ungrateful. As I said, she should be thankful her H is here to have a party! So heartless


Well that is why they need to negotiate a solution that is agreeable to both if them. Maybe she is being selfish, but we aren't hearing the wifes side here. Im sure there are hundreds of things he could do that she would have no problem with. It isn't like she is telling him he cant go to the holiday party if its held elsewhere, she just doesn't want the responsiblity of having it in their mutual home. 

There are probably hundreds of other things that he could do now that he is feeling better that would make him happy and not make his wife unhappy. This particular plan makes his wife unhappy, so they need to negotiate a solution. 

People keep saying that his wife should be ok with it just because they would be. Again, what is fine by you isn't gospel for everyone else. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> I completely disagree with imhisbeautifuldisaster and anyone else who thinks its no big deal to force anything on your partner that they aren't comfortable with. It's unethical and creates resentment in a marriage. You all could benefit from reading His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley which lays out the policy of joint agreement. When you disagree, you should negotiate until you find a real win-win situation. Then neither partner is forced into anything by their spouse.
> 
> Maybe some of you would be fine with the party that the OP is proposing, but the point is that HIS WIFE ISN'T. She is a separate person with her own comfort levels and boundaries. Get over this type of thinking that what is fine by you must be fine for every other person in the world.
> 
> ...


Hmm, I better choose my words carefully.

First, get cancer and then get back to me on the above. If you haven't battled through it recently then you have no idea. I am not using it as a reason to do whatever. It was brought into the mix as it is a big reason I want to host this goddamn party, which yes could be held on the moon for all I care, but I would like to host it. 

So let's go ahead with your logic. Back to my wife's comments about my $9 towels. Which we could obviously afford etc etc. Because she was not ok with that, I should have returned them?

I have never seen so many unbelievable comments on this site before. It's been wildly entertaining.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Just to play Devil's Advocate, can I reverse it for the sake of discussion? In the grand scheme of life, it could be a no friggin brainer for you as well. Why are you so adamant about having a party at your home that does not include your wife and she does not want? What's wrong with holding it somewhere else? I think the bigger issue here is that you two aren't communicating. You are both making a last stand at the wrong battlefield.
> 
> And personally, I would remove the cancer aspect from the debate. I'm sure she is thrilled and grateful you are recovered. I would not call that into question. I'm not sure that should even be part of this particular debate you're having.


Play it all you want! It is a simple work party, for staff to bond...has no one ever worked in a bloody office before??? I am astounded by the lack of awareness by some of these posts. It is ridiculous.

My wife can stay..she won't want to..I would prefer she is elsewhere since it helps our team bond..it is for 4 bloody hours!! She has no issue being away!!! Her issue is over needing the house cleaned to the standards for the queen. End of story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again, get cancer and then get back to me. If my wife had gone through what I have for the last while, and was finally back to a new job, and wanted this...holy crap, I would be doing whatever I could to help and I would be simply happy for them. Some people are seriously missing the big picture on this one.

And you can talk all you want about picking this battle. I decided this was another issue that I did not feel was fair. I need to start pushing back at some point, even if small, and work towards a fix or this will never work.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> Play it all you want! It is a simple work party, for staff to bond...has no one ever worked in a bloody office before??? I am astounded by the lack of awareness by some of these posts. It is ridiculous.
> 
> My wife can stay..she won't want to..I would prefer she is elsewhere since it helps our team bond..it is for 4 bloody hours!! She has no issue being away!!! Her issue is over needing the house cleaned to the standards for the queen. End of story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


I'll tell you what I think you should do. Acquiesce on this party. Tell her you want her to be comfortable in her home and won't have the party there. Then dress up in clothes from your entirely new wardrobe and invite her out to look at your new car. Let her know that you'll be renting space to have the party. Spend your money whatever way you want without invading her space to do it. 

Yes, it's your space but it's hers too, and if you don't want to share nice you know what you need to do.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

sunnyroses said:


> Hmm, I better choose my words carefully.
> 
> First, get cancer and then get back to me on the above. If you haven't battled through it recently then you have no idea. I am not using it as a reason to do whatever. It was brought into the mix as it is a big reason I want to host this goddamn party, which yes could be held on the moon for all I care, but I would like to host it.
> 
> ...


I am sorry if I offended you, and I am glad you are better. 

I seems like you came to the forum expecting everyone to see it your way. From the outside it is easy to see things differently. I thought this thread was explicitly about the holiday party, not the $9 towels. I realize that in an marriage where years of resentment have built up, past unresolved issues are invoked because they still cause pain. Maybe your wife does have a bad attitude in general, but I stand by my advice regarding this specific party situation.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> I am sorry if I offended you, and I am glad you are better.
> 
> I seems like you came to the forum expecting everyone to see it your way.


I agree and will pull back from this discussion. I think perhaps you are seeking validation and in a public forum, you should expect to get opposing viewpoints. Since I don't think you are looking for that, I'll pull back.

Enjoy your party!


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

I cherish the comments from this site. It has always been a big help. 

I have no issue with people disagreeing. If I was only wanting confirmation, i would never post anything. I expect debate. 

I just feel like on this issue, beside sbeing hijacked, that the issue is being missed. Some of the comments were just way off the mark. Every one has their opinion though and i have no issue with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nucking Futs said:


> I'll tell you what I think you should do. Acquiesce on this party. Tell her you want her to be comfortable in her home and won't have the party there. Then dress up in clothes from your entirely new wardrobe and invite her out to look at your new car. Let her know that you'll be renting space to have the party. Spend your money whatever way you want without invading her space to do it.
> 
> Yes, it's your space but it's hers too, and if you don't want to share nice you know what you need to do.


I can't believe that a woman, who should by nature be compassionate IMO, helped her husband get through cancer and can't see that this is important to him.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> I can't believe that a woman, who should by nature be compassionate IMO, helped her husband get through cancer and can't see that this is important to him.


A few points of disagreement:

I don't believe that women by nature are more compassionate than men. To the extent that they are more compassionate I suspect it's more nurture than nature. My extensive research, conducted exclusively in my imagination, backs this up. 

I don't remember reading anything about her doing anything to help him get through the cancer. I did read that she has anxiety disorder and depression. It doesn't excuse anything but may help to understand her mindset a little bit.

I haven't seen anything in any of the threads that would indicate that she doesn't understand that these things are important to her husband, I think it's just not relevant to her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Didn't say they should be more compassionate, just that they should be compassionate.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Hey sunny ... I'm late to come into the fray, but I am coming from the perspective of a cancer survivor myself.

Lots of people are making salient arguments; however, they are not cancer survivors. Like it or not, we DO have a different perspective after going through chemo, radiation, surgery, and all other sorts of crap.

But here is what is hitting me at a gut level. Please correct me if I am wrong. Your wife wasn't supportive or particularly empathetic with your disease process. Again, please correct me if I am wrong.

She wasn't there for you when you needed her to just sit and listen to you voice your fears. She wasn't always there when you needed someone to help you to get to the toilet, clean up your barf, etc. 

Maybe she just told you to suck it up and soldier on.

I went through chemo alone. My alcoholic husband was too busy tending to his addiction. Did I hold some resentment? Uh, yeah. But I realized he was doing what addicts do. I assume your wife is not an addict ... maybe just not a particularly supportive spouse.

I applaud every single cancer survivor. People who haven't gone through this experience don't understand how we get a different perspective.

But, saying that, I have to tell ya ... I find having a Christmas party in your home w/o spouses somewhat strange. Without spouses? No problem. Have it at a nice restaurant. Have it at a coworker's home who is single. 

JMO, but I think you are harboring resentment towards your wife's behavior during your battle with cancer. This is your way of getting back at her. And I don't mean you are a vindictive guy. But she might have put you on the periphery during your illness. Maybe you want to assert you can now do the same?

I fear I am not being succinct here. I apologize.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> I cherish the comments from this site. It has always been a big help.
> 
> I have no issue with people disagreeing. If I was only wanting confirmation, i would never post anything. I expect debate.
> 
> I just feel like on this issue, beside sbeing hijacked, that the issue is being missed. _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is the issue then? I thought it was pretty clear.

Maybe Prodigal has a point....do you feel resentment towards your wife about previous issues and thus feel the need to take a stand about this party?


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

julianne said:


> What is the issue then? I thought it was pretty clear.
> 
> Maybe Prodigal has a point....do you feel resentment towards your wife about previous issues and thus feel the need to take a stand about this party?


Absolutely not. I simply thought it was something I wanted to do, that would make me happy. What my wife did or didnt do through my cancer battle is not a factor. I am not trying to get back at her. I simply thought it was finally time to push back and stand up. Albeit people think it was not the right issue. I say nothing too much, like with $23 t shirts, and I just give her power in the end.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

So, did you end up having your party?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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