# What are the signs of an EA



## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

I have posted here before.........talking about crushes and so forth.

I would like to know what everyone thinks about what constitutes an Emotional Affair? Our intimacy has been fabulous, but again, the young man that has a crush on my wife is still bothering me.

We took a firearms class yesterday in an effort to work towards our concealed carry license and this young man let my wife borrow one of his Dad's guns, smaller caliber. No big deal right? Well I found out this morning that she e-mailed him last night (without my knowledge) letting him know that she passed.

What could a 40 year old woman POSSIBLY get from a 17 year old that she is not getting from me? I am taking care of ALL of her needs (or so I thought) both sexually and emotionally. She is not acting withdrawn, we still talk often, etc., etc.

Anyone have any suggestions?? What should I do? This kid is a GOOD friend of my sons and I do not want to destroy that relationship by any means! I am a little on the pissed off side ride now and could use some feedback!!!!


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

I might add that nothing inappropriate was said in the e-mail on either side.........just don't like the fact that it took place!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm not familiar with the back story here so if I'm off base my apologies. 

How did you find out about the email? Is your wife willing and forth coming with you seeing who she's communicating with and what's being said? Do the two of them communicate with any regularity? 

To try to define what the signs of an EA are is kind of difficult to me and I had one. I'd say the biggest indicator is when a person starts doing/saying things that they do not want their spouse to know about but that's an inside perspective. From the outside I'd say that some of the biggest signals are volume of communication with the OM/OW, saying things like "they're just a friend" or "you're crazy." Of course if she becomes physically attached to her cell phone or if it suddenly turns up with a lock code, or her passwords suddenly change those are all sure fire signs of hiding something. 

Hard to say for sure what you've got here. Have you talked about it with her and expressed your concern?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sometimes people are 'just friends' though! lol Geez. I have "just friends" that I talk to sometimes...and I'm not cheating. 

You have to talk to her and gage her reaction about this "friend". Then you'll know.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

a 40 yr old female and a 17 yr old male just friends? 

i dont think so.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

At first they are probably just friends and it may remain so. My wife got to know a young man similar to your situation. She was a merit badge counselor for someone who was 17 and for whatever reason he took a liking to her and at a party last year they spent a good portion of it talking about his first semester at college. I understand this because I too developed chatty relationships a few of my friends parents when I was in High School. One of my friends dads was into investing and so we used to talk about it and comment on some of the shows like Wall Street week and so on. In the case of my wife and the boy, I know he is like that with several adults both male and female so I am not concerned about it. But I keep tabs on it just the same.

Just because it is innocent now does not mean it will remain so. What you need to look for is any preoccupation your wife might have for him. Do they change topics or does the discussion halt when you get close when they are talking? Are they communication in anyway that is hidden from you too much. One email does not constitute an EA but if it becomes regular than it might. How does your wife respond when you talk about him? If she avoids a discussion about him or changes the topic then this is a red flag. It might indicate that she doesn’t want you to know the extent of her feelings. If all of a sudden the contact between them increases or you find your wife’s schedule changes a bit in such a way that she runs into him constantly then you have a big red flag. Does she start to do things that she wouldn’t do for one of her girlfriends?

Those are some of the things to look for which may or may not happen. Some people don’t know about EAs so it might also be useful to have a frank discussion about them with your wife establish what boundaries you both need to feel comfortable.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Without seeing the content of the email I couldn't say for sure, but based on what you've written, it's entirely possible your wife simply sent a thank you note out of courtesy. 
I mean, if someone lent you something, wouldn't you send them a note saying thanks and letting him/her know how it that item helped, or how it was used?
Seems like common courtesy to do that.
Again, I haven't seen the whole note, but if it's just "Thanks for the gun. I passed the test," I don't see why you're obsessing over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Dad27 said:


> I have posted here before.........talking about crushes and so forth.
> 
> I would like to know what everyone thinks about what constitutes an Emotional Affair? Our intimacy has been fabulous, but again, the young man that has a crush on my wife is still bothering me.
> 
> ...


It's hard to say without knowing what the email said. 

There can be a number of reasons for a harmless email to someone who shares a similar interest (firearms). Without knowing what she wrote exactly in the email, I wouldn't condemn her for emailing him. It could be something harmless like "hey, guess what? I passed the test!" or "Thanks for letting me have you dad's gun. It helped me to pass the test" not "Do you want to get together later when my husband is away?"


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

It was difinately just a thank you email. He let her borrow the gun because she is small in stature and the gun that we got for her is a 9mm. She was a little concerned about shooting 50 rounds with the 9........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Dad27 said:


> It was difinately just a thank you email. He let her borrow the gun because she is small in stature and the gun that we got for her is a 9mm. She was a little concerned about shooting 50 rounds with the 9........
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow! She's not allowed to thank someone for allowing use of a family gun?

I don't see anything wrong here. She didn't send an inappropriate email. I wonder why you're so bothered by such an email. Sometimes reading relationship forums where discussions of EAs are common might make one hypervigilant. It's good to not trust someone blindly but overreacting is going to create problems where none exist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Wow! She's not allowed to thank someone for allowing use of a family gun?
> 
> I don't see anything wrong here. She didn't send an inappropriate email. I wonder why you're so bothered by such an email. Sometimes reading relationship forums where discussions of EAs are common might make one hypervigilant. It's good to not trust someone blindly but overreacting is going to create problems where none exist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see your point............we have started a new hobby together (shooting) and she has really taken to it! Just so happens that my son's best friend enjoys it as well (lucky me). This friend spends a lot of time with our family and is well liked by all. That being said, I am still a little uncomfortable with the way he looks at my wife. We (wife and I) have had several conversations about my concerns and she always looks me in the eyes and says 'A 17 year old? Are you serious?'. Then she laughs at me for being paranoid. Maybe I am!!

I guess I am a little old fashioned. I don't think that things like this should be taking place. She has told me on numerous occasions over the last month or so that 'I should not WORRY about stuff that does not need to be worried about!!'. I have NO reason not to trust her at all.............just makes me uncomfortable.............


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

michzz said:


> Um, for one thing, he has a gun your wife wanted to use.
> 
> Get her a new gun and she won't be borrowing anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The gun that we got for her was a 9mm. The instructor at the course yesterday suggested using a 22.........it would make the shooting portion of the course much easier. And it did.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's 17. He looks at EVERYTHING that has breasts in a weird way.


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Sometimes people are 'just friends' though! lol Geez. I have "just friends" that I talk to sometimes...and I'm not cheating.
> 
> You have to talk to her and gage her reaction about this "friend". Then you'll know.


He's not a friend of hers.........he calls her Mrs. F for crying out loud. 

They have exchanged e-mails twice in the last month. Once asking for permission to use the gun and the second was thanking him for using the gun (first one she told me about, second one she didn't). Maybe she did not tell me about the second one because she knew that I would freak.........don't know.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, your wife has no intention with him, I'm sure.

But don't doubt that he isn't fantasizing about your wife. lol He's SEVENTEEN! :lol: Cut the boy some slack. Is your wife hot? Then...if you think so, imagine what a 17 year old thinks about an older woman giving him the time of day.

My brother was like that with my friends (we're 13 years apart). He was such a horndog at 17 and my friends were 30. Omg. lolll Made me laugh...he had NO chance in hell but they'd smile at him and god knows how he violated his own body while thinking about that.


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, your wife has no intention with him, I'm sure.
> 
> But don't doubt that he isn't fantasizing about your wife. lol He's SEVENTEEN! :lol: Cut the boy some slack. Is your wife hot? Then...if you think so, imagine what a 17 year old thinks about an older woman giving him the time of day.
> 
> My brother was like that with my friends (we're 13 years apart). He was such a horndog at 17 and my friends were 30. Omg. lolll Made me laugh...he had NO chance in hell but they'd smile at him and god knows how he violated his own body while thinking about that.


Your post makes me feel a LOT better. To answer your question, my wife is VERY attractive.....bout 5'-6", brunette, big brown eyes, and curves in ALL the right places . Definitely does not look like she has seven children that's for sure!! I am a lucky guy.............think I will quite being a paranoid husband and get back to work taking care of her!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Dad27 - sounding pretty innocent thus far...


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Dad27 - sounding pretty innocent thus far...


Like I said, being paranoid over nothing is probably going to kill me!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't sweat it. 

Like I said, he's 17. Remember when you were 17? omg. My brother was so bad. He's still awful (at 23).


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I wouldn't sweat it.
> 
> Like I said, he's 17. Remember when you were 17? omg. My brother was so bad. He's still awful (at 23).


I bet all your friends were totally innocent of egging him on to weren't they?? You bunch of meanies - teasing a 17 year old hormone like that - shame shame...:rofl:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think most of them were innocent...I dunno. They'd all known him since he was a baby!

He is a cutie though. 6'5" and a little hottie.

haha....but yea...It was funny to watch him stumble along when he'd talk to my friends.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Dad27 said:


> The gun that we got for her was a 9mm. The instructor at the course yesterday suggested using a 22.........it would make the shooting portion of the course much easier. And it did.


So what you're telling us is that your caliber is bigger than his, right?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Dad27 said:


> I have posted here before.........talking about crushes and so forth.
> 
> I would like to know what everyone thinks about what constitutes an Emotional Affair? Our intimacy has been fabulous, but again, the young man that has a crush on my wife is still bothering me.
> 
> ...


Ew.....there is no reason for your 40 year old wife to be 'friends' with a 17 year old friend of your son's...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Keep your wife's relatoinship with this boy in check.

That is, make sure of no secrecy from your wife to you concerning this boy, as in any opposite sex "friendship". Lack of secrecy is the key.

With that said, drop any signs that you are "threatened" by this boy. Right now. That is not helping you at all.

Instead, far far FAR better to simply TEASE your wife about her boy crush friend, from a position of amusement. Have fun with it. "If he only knew how high maintenance/expensive you are, think he'd still want to steal you from me then?" etc etc etc...really tease her with a wink and a smile about it.

This does two things:

1. It shows you are aware of the crush, also making sure your wife aware in case she is the naive sort.

2. It shows even though you aware, you are not threatened. Because of course, this boy is no competition to you. You handle the situation much like a sh!t test, and get rewarded much like passing a sh!t test. 

Again, make sure your wife's behavior is appropriate (no secrets/hiding/full blown EA/PA etc), then it is best for you to have a lot of fun with this situation. 

I wish you well.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He's 17. He looks at EVERYTHING that has breasts in a weird way.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::lol:

Yes, I remember those days and it certainly didn't take much to get excited about. I agree with other posters who say to have fun with it with your wife. Remember, he can't (or shouldn't) touch her or do things with her like you can


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Watch two movies:

Summer of 42

The Graduate.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Don't sweat it. Your wife is hot and the kid has a crush on her. No biggie. Nothing wrong with keeping tabs, but ultimately you need to trust your wife to keep the little horndog at arms length. Use this opportunity to tell your wife how young she looks, how beautiful she is to you, and start courting and sparking her again. Treat her like you did when you were dating her. Be her boyfriend not her husband.


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

spudster said:


> Don't sweat it. Your wife is hot and the kid has a crush on her. No biggie. Nothing wrong with keeping tabs, but ultimately you need to trust your wife to keep the little horndog at arms length. Use this opportunity to tell your wife how young she looks, how beautiful she is to you, and start courting and sparking her again. Treat her like you did when you were dating her. Be her boyfriend not her husband.


She HAS kept him at arms length. And I DO trust my wife.

We are a fun family and this boy has the same type of attitude that the rest of my children have.......as posted earlier, he is liked by all. My wife has even gone to the extent of TELLING him that some of his teasing/goofing around COULD be viewed as highly inappropriate. That seemed to help. I have been tempted, but my wife has asked that I do not say anything to him for fear that I would be a little too aggressive. When it comes to my family, I am VERY protective!!!


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Ew.....there is no reason for your 40 year old wife to be 'friends' with a 17 year old friend of your son's...


Don't know that I would call it 'friends'..........he has gotten to the point that he likes to view from afar now. I have caught him on occasion and he knows it. It is kind of funny to see him turn red when caught............


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

hurtnohio said:


> So what you're telling us is that your caliber is bigger than his, right?


Nice.........not to brag or anything


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Dad27 said:


> She HAS kept him at arms length. And I DO trust my wife.
> 
> We are a fun family and this boy has the same type of attitude that the rest of my children have.......as posted earlier, he is liked by all. My wife has even gone to the extent of TELLING him that some of his teasing/goofing around COULD be viewed as highly inappropriate. That seemed to help. I have been tempted, but my wife has asked that I do not say anything to him for fear that I would be a little too aggressive. When it comes to my family, I am VERY protective!!!


Sounds like she is really handling the situation well when the two of them are together. I wouldn't worry. You should, however, work on not being so obviously jealous. About the only thing this could accomplish is making their interactions more difficult.

When I was between 16 and 18, I had sexual encounters with a couple of women in my neighborhood, who were in their early 40s. Neither one of them behaved anything like your wife did with him. They were pretty flirty, with provocative teasing, even in crowds. Then, when alone ... lets just say that it was hard to get away. Same thing happened to my BIL with a much older woman. Almost happened to my son, but he had the good sense to get away, and now the woman is divorcing. In every case, it was pretty blatant behavior.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Halien said:


> Sounds like she is really handling the situation well when the two of them are together. I wouldn't worry. You should, however, work on not being so obviously jealous. About the only thing this could accomplish is making their interactions more difficult.
> 
> When I was between 16 and 18, I had sexual encounters with a couple of women in my neighborhood, who were in their early 40s. Neither one of them behaved anything like your wife did with him. They were pretty flirty, with provocative teasing, even in crowds. *Then, when alone ... lets just say that it was hard to get away. Same thing happened to my BIL with a much older woman. Almost happened to my son, but he had the good sense to get away, and now the woman is divorcing. In every case, it was pretty blatant behavior.*


EW! EW! EW! You do realize that if it were the other way round, the man would be accused of rape...I can't stand the way older women/teenaged boys is glamorized. It's actually pretty disgusting.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> EW! EW! EW! You do realize that if it were the other way round, the man would be accused of rape...I can't stand the way older women/teenaged boys is glamorized. It's actually pretty disgusting.


Well and then there's the flip side - seeing some of the female teacher/male student sex scandals I looked at my wife one day and said, "where the hell were these teachers when I was 17?!?!"

of course.... I WAS KIDDING!!!


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