# Need Some Advice, Upset about Sex Life...



## adobesky (Sep 18, 2009)

Hi Everyone
New here so sorry this is my first post...
My DH & I have been married for 3yrs & together for over a total of 13. We have no children and work 9-5 jobs.
Before we were married I couldn't hardly keep him off of me. Almost every time we saw each other we made love. Now, it has slowed down to a trickle...
DH has struggled in the past with stress/anxiety issues and I have always tried to be patient and understanding with him. Over the last 3 weeks the sex has been non-existent save for the one time he woke me up @ 3am and was horny. This happens a lot. It is like his brain switches to sex mode in his sleep. He is awake when it is happening though. I did not have an orgasm during this encounter as when it happens it always it a quickie.
I have tried numerous times during the last few weeks to hit on him and asked numerous times (nicely, I may add) to have sex and I have been rejected every time. He says he hasa lot on his mind. I have asked him if he would like to talk about it and he lists off a number of worries I deal with as well in our lives right now and so I am getting frustrated.
I asked him last night outright if he was still attracted to me sexually and he answered yes, and the list of worries, adding that he was tired.
I am tired too (14hr work days this week) but I am still interested, so I am not understanding very well. I feel lonely and I really miss him that way (told him that too). I feel like crying...
Also, separately, I almost always engage in oral sex whenever he asks for it and sometimes even as a surprise. But, no reciprocation. I am frustrated with this as well. He objects he doesn't like the taste, so I got some fancy flavored lube. Still, no dice. He used to sometimes, but now, not for years. Any suggestions?
Thanks for any advice you may be able to give...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your DH needs to bump you way UP to the top of his priority stack. 

Does he masturbate? Nothing wrong with doing so unless you are ignoring your spouse. You don't get to have sex with yourself, when you are not having sex with your wife. 

Has anything changed physically that could cause a loss of desire. He gained weight/you gained weight? 

Is he doing what he needs, to manage his anxiety levels? For me, the big factors when under stress are:
- Exercise - this is the biggest single factor
- Sufficient sleep 
- Healthy diet (too much sugar, caffeine, carbs are BAD news)

If not, he needs to start doing this stuff to regain his desire levels. Strength training raises my testosterone levels and makes me more 

Listing his "worries" when you want to be romantic is - not a loving thing to do - it is a very - me, me, me - thing to do. I do not mean it is not allowed. I mean he is using THAT as a means of avoiding sex which is not nice. 

Weekend mornings are nice for many folks. Oddly for me, the afternoon is the BEST time for sex, but it is hard to do that unless the kids are both occupied elsewhere. You don't have that issue which is nice. 

He needs to also just flat out agree to some sensual touching in both directions even if it does not lead to sex right then and there. And frankly, if he makes the effort to give you a nice sensual massage it will help you feel more "physically wanted", something we ALL desire. And if he lets you give him a sensual massage - well a couple of those over a couple days and that should make him "want" you sexually. 

We always, always shower just before sex in my house. Clean is nice. Clean makes oral more fun. Just my opinion.












adobesky said:


> Hi Everyone
> New here so sorry this is my first post...
> My DH & I have been married for 3yrs & together for over a total of 13. We have no children and work 9-5 jobs.
> Before we were married I couldn't hardly keep him off of me. Almost every time we saw each other we made love. Now, it has slowed down to a trickle...
> ...


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I know that stress can affect a person's sex life and so can the other things that MEM11363 mentioned. Are you certain he is not having an affair? I'm not saying he is, as it could be any number of things.

Personally, I have never seen a man who didn't want sex. My husband could be hit by a train and would still want it. I, on the other hand, am not that needy. Have you tried just leaving him alone until he is in the mood? I know you said he wakes you up in the early morning hours, but if that isn't satisfying to you, you could try turning him down. That is not necessarily the answer, but you could experiment and see how he reacts.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Stress can certainly cause me to lose interest. Maybe deal with the worries, let him know you are there for him, cuddle up and he may feel secure and desire you more.


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## adobesky (Sep 18, 2009)

I am quite sure that he not having an affair, and he is not a porn guy (that I know of) as he knows how much it upsets me...
I tried to make a romantic dinner last night (wine, candlelight) and the plan was to bring him upstairs after and give him a nice massage (in my lingerie), see where it goes and it completely backfired. We ended up fighting about our sex life instead.
I told him that I needed intimacy with him so bad it hurts . I said that he is my husband and I need this from him. He asked me if he should just drop all his feelings of stress & worry and then come take care of "my needs" then. He felt like I was telling him it was his duty. He then went into "then all the good things I did for you this week are not enough then" etc. P.S.- I wasn't shouting, I was bawling....he didn't as much hug me to comfort me...
I asked him why almost every time I made a pass at him/initiated it is rejected. He says he doesn't know. 
I did ask him if he had had sex by himself over the last few weeks and he said yes...I asked him what was wrong with me, he said it wasn't like that.
We ended up watching TV and going to bed. Failed again. 
I am still upset...


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## adobesky (Sep 18, 2009)

chuck...
I have told him over and again I am here for him...
He spends more time on the computer then with me...
I try to cuddle with him and he says he needs space...


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Hon, I wish I knew what to tell you to fix this, as it is obvious that it is causing you a great deal of pain. All I can do is offer suggestions, but I have no idea if it will solve the angst that you are feeling.

Try giving him all the space he needs. Maybe he will come to you. People often don't appreciate what they have until it is no longer there. If you are able to, take a short vacation, even if it is only a night or weekend away. Do something that you enjoy. Give him the opportunity to see what it is like without you there. 

I can't be certain that will acomplish anything, but anything is worth a chance at this point. 

I wish you the best!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I absolutely believe you that he is not having an affair. And I seriously wonder about the "porn". Do you have a keylogger on the computer? Does he leave the "history" on it? Are you SURE he is not doing the porn/take care of his needs thing? Just asking because that is a very common thing today - male finds porn he likes - wife gets no sex. Total breach of vows IMO. Only one way to know for sure. 

Keylogger is best and cheapest way to be CERTAIN. Very few men become ASEXUAL. 









foolz1 said:


> Hon, I wish I knew what to tell you to fix this, as it is obvious that it is causing you a great deal of pain. All I can do is offer suggestions, but I have no idea if it will solve the angst that you are feeling.
> 
> Try giving him all the space he needs. Maybe he will come to you. People often don't appreciate what they have until it is no longer there. If you are able to, take a short vacation, even if it is only a night or weekend away. Do something that you enjoy. Give him the opportunity to see what it is like without you there.
> 
> ...


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