# It't been a decade, Should I move on already?



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Hi everyone, 

So I wanted to share my story and hopefully get some un biased opinions. Its been 3 month that I have been off Zoloft that I was on for 10 years of my life. So I have suppressed a lot of emotions. So here is our story from a decade ago. when we were babies. 


So My husband introduces me to his friends that he had known from JR high they were a fun and crazy couple. Well they wanted to party all the time and we did neglecting our responsibilities as young parents, We would have my parents watch the kids almost every weekend. We were 21 having our first and 23 with the second. So anyways I wish I could take it all back. it was a year into the friendship for me. obviously longer for him, So this was about August my husband went out of town for work that week. And the other couple talked me going into the BBQ our other friend was having. So I went and we all ended up getting hammered that night. the husband of the other couple talked me into playing strip poker with them so I did. I ended up in my underwear and nothing else. After we played we ran around the house (WTF I KNOW) so I told my husband and he was devastated. I think he took it so hard to the point of contemplating leaving me. We fought a ton. It was not an easy road for us. 

So come October the couple had a party. We went and of course everyone was hammered as young kids do.. But the wife of the other couple had seen her husband walk off from the party with the sister in law he had a love affair with. So she was pissed and hurt and crazy, I guess thats when she kissed my husband. And after that kiss he went into a question everything mode. He questioned our marriage and why he kissed back. He questioned if he loved me. He also liked the attention. so he said he made a choice. That now looking back he said was the most idiotic thing he has every done. He decided he needed to kiss her again to see if he was able to do so and be ok with it. If he was ok with it he obviously needed to be done with me. 

So fast forward a couple months later and he did, He asked her to kiss him again. He talked her into it. Asking her if she had feelings, And she said no, She loved her husband and loved me. But he still said that they should kiss and see. So they did and he grabbed her a** when kissing. Said this was just a reaction. After the kiss he called her a few days later. Stating that it was wrong and explained why he did it. And that he had decided to stay with me. And please don’t tell me cause he would lose me. 

Now the thing that I may believe somewhat of what he is stating is She had tried that summer with him. Keep in mind I didn't know for a year. But I guess she told him “I could kiss you right now, But I am not going to” and he said “good I don’t want you too” Now to me if he really was into her and wanting to sleep with her he could have EASILY. or at-least kept this KISSING thing going. Or it turning into a EA. But it didn’t. 

Basically what I am asking is do I trust him? He has stuck with me for over a decade of beating him up and bringing this up never stating anything different. I asked him at one point. Why did you not choose a stranger? why her? He said that why a stranger it wasn't about that. He wasn’t out looking to hook up. That she was a friend and that he knew she would and that it wasn't about sex.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Having a revenge affair never evens the score.
Your husband learnt that. You have not.

There was no justification going to a party without your husband
knowing before hand that they were a wild bunch, two that they
were going to get wasted, that you let yourself get wasted,
played strip poker.

And, what does mean we ran around the house after?

You cockteased the other men by stripping and let them try
to tease you by stripping as well.

How did you expect your husband to react after you broke his
trust by acting the way you did?

The good is your husband processed what happened and it is not
an issue for him.

He told you before hand what he was going to do out of pain and anger.

You Pearl Harbored your husband. He let it go eventually.

You know everything that happened, he has been faithful since then
and you can not let it go. Time for you to go to IC.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I honestly feel like I just watched a whole episode of Jersey Shore after reading this post.

Should you trust him? Who knows. He got married WAY TOO YOUNG and never got to experience what it's like to date and play the field like most young men in their teens and early 20's. That never bodes well when 10 or 15 years has passed. Most of them want to sow those wild oats they never got to sow.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You guys both did real damage to your relationship. Unfortunately that is precious. You started it and you shouldn't minimize it. You wanted to be titilizing to get attention. I would also ask did you fight about that? If so what was there to fight about? Did you minimize it? That may have really contributed to his hurt. 

As far as his affair. I hope these classless people are not still friends of yours? Does the husband of the women know that she had and EA with his friend? How trust worthy do you feel your husband has been? Does he get it was an affair? Has he apologized?

By the way this whole kissing thing to see if there is feelings is bull****. If you kiss someone you are attracted to you are going to have some sort of feelings. So what, that is just biology. It has nothing to do with love. I hope you are both grown up enough now to understand this. Sheesh. 

I think you should try marriage counseling. Honestly you both have done everything wrong, maybe you can repair the damage maybe not but living in limbo is no way to live.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

sokillme said:


> You guys both did real damage to your relationship. Unfortunately that is precious. You started it and you shouldn't minimize it. You wanted to be titilizing to get attention. I would also ask did you fight about that? If so what was there to fight about? Did you minimize it? That may have really contributed to his hurt.
> 
> As far as his affair. I hope these classless people are not still friends of yours? Does the husband of the women know that she had and EA with his friend? How trust worthy do you feel your husband has been? Does he get it was an affair? Has he apologized?
> 
> ...


*If mandatory MC fails to offer any substantive help, then you may be rather hard-pressed to save this marriage! 

Just saying!*


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I think MC DID OK when we went but my issue is I have so much pride it’s disgusting. I have this how dare you do this to me when I did that to him. Not to mention I had an EA after cause I was so low that I needed attention. And it’s not ok. I act like everything is about me.. I don’t know how to get all of this out of my brain and stop playing the victim. 

*If mandatory MC fails to offer any substantive help, then you may be rather hard-pressed to save this marriage! 

Just saying!*[/QUOTE]


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

oldtruck said:


> Having a revenge affair never evens the score.
> Your husband learnt that. You have not.
> 
> There was no justification going to a party without your husband
> ...




I know.. I didn’t actually strip like for him it was just the typical strip poker game, then when we were done the husband talked me and his wife into I guess streaking running around the house. So stupid... as for my husband he has been faithful all these years and did come out of it as a leaning experience and agrees it was so stupid of him to do that and how dumb of an idea it was. I think I just get consumed in the wrong thoughts.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Either both of you are contrite with each other or reconciliation will never happen. If you are to proud to forgive and too proud to admit you made bad choices then there is little point. Your words drip with bitterness. 

Decide whether all the anger you feel towards each other is worth ending 10 years of marriage for. I would imagine some of those 10 years had to be good.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I honestly feel like I just watched a whole episode of Jersey Shore after reading this post.
> 
> Should you trust him? Who knows. He got married WAY TOO YOUNG and never got to experience what it's like to date and play the field like most young men in their teens and early 20's. That never bodes well when 10 or 15 years has passed. Most of them want to sow those wild oats they never got to sow.


I know I get that. But its a hard pill to swollow and I feel like I am the only one in the year dealing with a double punch but I know I am sure there are worse situations


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

seems like more to the story of the strip poker. Just my opinion.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I think MC DID OK when we went but my issue is *I have so much pride it’s disgusting*. I have this how dare you do this to me when I did that to him. Not to mention I had an EA after cause I was so low that *I needed attention*. And it’s not ok. *I act like everything is about me*.. I don’t know how to get all of this out of my brain and stop playing the victim.


 I have to say, I have never seen someone have narcissistic behavior and understand how destructive it is in one post.
Cheers to you!!
You might have a chance to fix things.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> Either both of you are contrite with each other or reconciliation will never happen. If you are to proud to forgive and too proud to admit you made bad choices then there is little point. Your words drip with bitterness.
> 
> Decide whether all the anger you feel toward each other is worth ending 10 years of marriage for. I would imagine some of those 10 years had to be good.



I know. I get bitter cause when I ask him about it it’s always the same thing he did it to see what he wanted. So I try to over analyze the situation and get so lost. Cause I know he liked the attention He was lacking at home I mean sex and stuff were there but emotional we would fight each day. And then he said that the poker night hurt but it was wasn’t lik the reason he did it, and that’s good cause revenge is a bad quality in character. So I am over Thinking it all when what he says that he did It to see if he could and be ok with it I just don’t get it. So I sit and stew thinking is a liar. But then it’s like the last 10 years nothing changes in the story aside from how long they talked on the phone. But nothing changed. And they didn’t have an EA not even close


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Personaly I think playing strip poker and running around the house naked wthout your husband.

Is just as bad if not worse than a couple kisses.

Two young kids both broke boundrys 10 freaking years ago.

Stick a fork in it already. 

Not worth worrying about. At least not for ten years.

Put it behind you and smile ...laugh and enjoy life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont agree that you were 'young kids,' , you were both in your 20's were married and had children. I also don't agree with another person here who said that man need to 'sow their wold oats'. Being that this was so long ago though, you do need to leave it in the past. I hope that you don't see those so called friends any more.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Chillymorn I agree. I think that its way craZy to still be thinking of it 10 years later. Like I said I think that the issue is I just don't believe him. And more so I just don't understand it. And that makes me bitter. When for all I know he is telling the truth and legit in his brain thought that he would know in doing that. As for me I am just an idiot and played with fire and didn't think of the consequences.. I also am off Zoloft now for three months and was on it for 10 years so its brought all emotions on the table that I had shoved away for so long.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I dont agree that you were 'young kids,' , you were both in your 20's were married and had children. I also don't agree with another person here who said that man need to 'sow their wold oats'. Being that this was so long ago though, you do need to leave it in the past. I hope that you don't see those so called friends any more.



I know. I think that we were old enough to know better. I think that sometimes I need to catch myself trying to down play.. But I think that we both got caught in a selfish game. I think that he hated his marriage and almost wanted to get caught so I would leave him like he didnt have the guts to do with leaving me. But I do need to trust in what he says and just move on.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

It's been ten years. I know of people who have gotten over tragic and life altering occurrences in less time. You say the cause is "you don't believe him." How do you REALLY know that he believes you when you say all you did was play strip poker. He may say he does believe you but deep, deep down he my have images of you naked and doing all kinds of things you haven't told him about. He has stayed with you for 10 years so he must love you otherwise, if you put him through turmoil, he would have left by now. You are only thinking about what you believe and haven't considered what he may be thinking. He probably hasn't ever really voiced what he REALLY thinks about you and the strip poker occurrence. Stand in his shoes for a while and try to see what is in his mind. You were both wrong in what you did 10 years ago. It's time to let it go or let each other go. I do wish you well.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree with @scaredlion. Let go one way or the other.

Furthermore, Zoloft is a specific treatment and has significant side effects. Kudos, I think, for being off, but hope the removal was doctor supervised. Read about the side effects and what happens when discontinued. Glad someone decided it was no longer needed.

You seem to ruminate--stay in your mind about 'what might have happened/been/ etc'. That is not healthy for anyone. How you proceed is a choice. Choose wisely.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Talked into the BBQ, then talked into the game of strip poker, then further talked into running around in just panties and bra! Bad enough, then you have an EA and are pissed at hubby for a couple of kisses? I still think there’s more to the first scenario. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but we’re I the other hubby back in the day, I would have been trying to talk you into more than running around half naked. Nobody talks another mans wife into something like that without wanting a nefarious outcome. My opinion.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The last thread you started, you talked about the EA with a co-worker that went on for months and including sexting and you sending pic of your boobs. You got together with the guy but said you remembered rejecting his advance when he tried to kiss you but you didn't remember sending the pics of the boobs.

You blamed your meds for lowering your inhibitions/judgement. That not a good excuse. How does your husband know if you really didn't allow this co-worker to have a more. You're getting together after work while on your meds that you blame for making you forgetful.

Now you add that you went to this BBQ with the other couple that with alcohol involved lowered your inhibitions to the point for you to play strip poker and run around this couple's house, giving the husband a eyeful. Are you sure nothing else happened that night? With Alcohol and your meds, sounds like the making of a threesome.

So after your very questionable actions, you're still harping on your husband kissing your friend a decade ago?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

dontworry,

Did you move away from this couple or do you still see them and as a result trigger.

Infidelity is not like losing $100 at a casino, which we might come to terms with in 2 days, there is no definite timeline to affair recovery. Recovery is especially prolonged when trickle truth, inconsistencies or other factors are at play.

Did you ever offer to take a polygraph on the condition that your H does as well.

Was the OW or your OM ever exposed to their spouses?

Tamat


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I think MC DID OK when we went but my issue is I have so much pride it’s disgusting. I have this how dare you do this to me when I did that to him. Not to mention I had an EA after cause I was so low that I needed attention. And it’s not ok. I act like everything is about me.. I don’t know how to get all of this out of my brain and stop playing the victim.
> 
> *If mandatory MC fails to offer any substantive help, then you may be rather hard-pressed to save this marriage!
> 
> Just saying!*


First off give yourself a good half a year to wean off the Zoloft. It doesn't just leave the system and your brain needs time to stabilize it's chemical makeup.

So you left out the EA part. Want to tell us about that? Who was it and for how long? (I see now) So you had a run of the mill sexual affair. Does your husband know? Not good. Is he willing to stay with you? I would say you are WAY MORE then even. You need some IC to help with your boundaries. You really don't seem to be marriage material. 

If your husband were posting on here we would be talking about all the incidents where you pushed the limits with other men and telling him not to believe a word you said. Saying you don't seem like marriage materiel. We would be giving him a hard time too but saying just cut his loses. Partly because you don't seem very remorseful, you minimize everything you have done and don't empathize what it must be like to have his wife give away so easily what he thought was his. Yet you get it when it comes to you. Sorry this is just the facts. 

It's kind of hard to act all incredulous when you have pretty much blown your marriage up. He was not a good husband but seems to have tried to make up for it. You have held onto your anger or whatever and really have not been a good wife to him. You like male attention TOO MUCH. Part of being a good spouse is protecting your partner, even from the worst of yourself. You seem hard pressed to admit you are a big part of the problem. 

So much damage. It may be too late at this point.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> dontworry,
> 
> Did you move away from this couple or do you still see them and as a result trigger.
> 
> ...


ya it took a few years, but we did. I still have her on Social Media I need to push that delete button but its so hard. Sometimes I look to see out of curiosity how her life is.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So, I think that I just cant move on because some things that were said in the beginning. I was reading old posts and it was crazy to see what was going on. So anyways. I just had seen that she told me that had done it to figure out if he had feelings for me or her. And then another thing I had written about him calling her after they had already spoke about the incident. And this conversation was for a half hour. This two things bothered me... I tried speaking with him about it. BUT **** HIT hard. He is so over it all especially cause of what I have done. So he is done speaking about it. I dont blame him But seriously why that long of a conversation? And why the hell would the other women say that to me?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So, I think that I just cant move on because some things that were said in the beginning. I was reading old posts and it was crazy to see what was going on. So anyways. I just had seen that she told me that had done it to figure out if he had feelings for me or her. And then another thing I had written about him calling her after they had already spoke about the incident. And this conversation was for a half hour. This two things bothered me... I tried speaking with him about it. BUT **** HIT hard. He is so over it all especially cause of what I have done. So he is done speaking about it. I dont blame him But seriously why that long of a conversation? And why the hell would the other women say that to me?


Lets look at it from where you are. He could just as easily ask why send naked pictures of yourself to other men, and whatever else happened that you don't remember? What would you say to that?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why are you taking Zoloft? What was your diagnosis? Are you being treated by a psychiatrist or do you just have a doctor doling this stuff out to you. 

I took Zoloft for a while and that sh*t is nothing to mess with.,


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> Why are you taking Zoloft? What was your diagnosis? Are you being treated by a psychiatrist or do you just have a doctor doling this stuff out to you.
> 
> I took Zoloft for a while and that sh*t is nothing to mess with.,




I have been off it for 3 months and all of my crazy thought and obsessions are coming back.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Dontworry,

I just read back through all your posts to refresh my memory and to fit these new details into your situation.

You initially came here because of your H’s stupid choices to kiss a mutual friend a couple times and how his explanations for why, what he said, and what his feelings at the time were just didn’t sit right with you.

Totally understandable.....this crap hurts.

But in those first postings, what your H had done was ALL you mentioned.....

These new details about your EA afterwards......and now this strip poker/playing around that happened BEFORE he kissed the OW.....

Well these give a totally different picture of the dynamic of your M situation.

Frankly.....you have trickle-truthed the true details of your situation out here while asking for advise.....

I am not bashing you about this....I understand it must be shameful to admit that you too have done wrong in your M.....

But this does make it very difficult to give insights/and or advice to you when the posters do not have the entire picture.

When I read your initial posts, I honestly thought your H was a complete douche and a**hole who was just pressuring you to sweep his bad behavior under the rug and forget about it.

After hearing about these new revelations from you.....I still this his actions were crappy.....but I no longer see him as an entitled jerk pushing you to rugsweep.....

After all.....he has a lot of crap that you have done that he is just trying to move past as well....

I still think that rugsweeping is a mistake, and think he might be trying to do that and just ‘leave it in the past’.....but that could very well be from frustration as much as anything....

You continue to beat him up about the kisses and whether he has been fully truthful with you about what he said and was feeling (OK...I get that).....

Yet at the same time, you claim to not remember A LOT about what you actually did yourself.

Think about how incredibly frustrating that must be.....to be regularly attacked for not being 100% forthcoming by a person who he probably suspects is still not giving him all the facts about her own behavior.....either in the EA or in the drunken strip poker/streaking party.

It is still a mistake....but no wonder he is looking to rugsweep.....he figures you are never going to admit everything.....and probably feels that if he can just let it go and say move on from all your indiscretions, well then you should just get over two kisses he engaged in and claims he has told you the entire truth about.

Honestly.....you BOTH need to come completely clean and refuse to rugsweep any of this nonsense if you want to repair your M.

This leads me to some questions for you to think about:

Have you trickle truthed your H with the details of your indiscretions? 

Did you admit some, and then as he discovered more things did you drip out further details when it became obvious that you were still lying/hiding stuff?

Have you REALLY told all of the details of your past behavior to your H?

I ask because based on the fact that you trickle-truthed out the details here to anonymous strangers you were asking for help.....and that you continue to claim here that you do not remember details.....couched in statements like ‘I may have sent pics...’ or ‘I can’t remember if I said I loved him back.....’

Couple this with the fact, as at least one other poster has pointed out, that your recollection of the initial BBQ/strip party seems to be VERY minimized......

I will say for example, that based on your previous trickling of details, I doubt that you ‘only’ got down to bra/panties.....

That may have been your status when the game ended (guessing you are being honest you were not the big loser).....but I suspect that was no longer the case when the ‘streaking’ occured.....

But you are doing what many other WS’s do....minimizing details to make it appear less horrible.

The point is though.....if you are still doing this with your H, there is little chance you can truly fix your M.....

You could follow his lead (based on what you claim he has said during your recent talks) and decide to rugsweep all this.....but trust will never recover and your M will remain a wounded shadow of a healthy M.

I honestly believe that you are still hiding details.....and not just on TAM, but to your H as well.

So the only real advice I can give you at this point is to knock that off......stop hiding the truth from your H.....confess it ALL and start doing the work to see if your M can truly recover.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Seems like you are minimizing your mistakes while blowing his out of proportion in the process. No wonder he is fed up with it all.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

You guys were young and dumb. If you've both grown up since that time then I can't see why you both can't put it behind you and move on. With that said, your hubby is a better man than I am. If my wife stripped down and ran around the house with another man I'd divorce her quickly. If I stripped down and ran around naked with another woman she'd do the same to me. Boundaries have to be firm and respected or you have nothing.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

There was another poster here recently that was having a hard time getting over perceived infidelity over a decade earlier. My advice is much the same - what someone does at 20/21 doesn't necessarily reflect who they are now, just who they were then. And that person was likely very immature and very impulsive and very stupid from time to time (particularly with alcohol and social pressures). That's not to say that it shouldn't have been an issue then or that there aren't some people fully mature enough to handle marriage and children at such a young age. Clearly there are people like that, but most kids just aren't. Most 21 year olds are incapable of making great decisions all the time or really appreciating such vows.

What kind of father and husband is he today? What other things are bothering you that make you want to dredge these memories up? Beyond the Zoloft why do you think this is resurfacing now?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> There was another poster here recently that was having a hard time getting over perceived infidelity over a decade earlier. My advice is much the same - what someone does at 20/21 doesn't necessarily reflect who they are now, just who they were then. And that person was likely very immature and very impulsive and very stupid from time to time (particularly with alcohol and social pressures). That's not to say that it shouldn't have been an issue then or that there aren't some people fully mature enough to handle marriage and children at such a young age. Clearly there are people like that, but most kids just aren't. Most 21 year olds are incapable of making great decisions all the time or really appreciating such vows.
> 
> What kind of father and husband is he today? What other things are bothering you that make you want to dredge these memories up? Beyond the Zoloft why do you think this is resurfacing now?


Ya we were 25 I guess that is still really young... But I think that its because i wasnt out of site and out of mind. I just deleted the couple off all social Media. Regardless of us all having mutual friends it was just time. I feel good but I am shaking so bad. I dont know why. I think all these years I wanted to act like I am a fighter and I can move on from the hurt, But I didn't. I think that I invested to much energy into her and what may have been. If he may have had feelings or what not. I have looked at her as a threat to my marriage. I am broken He Broke me.. But I am trying to get my self esteem back. Do I think that he was emotionally invested NO I feel that if he was emotionally invested he would have pushed that envelope even further. I think that he would have convinced her that he was the one. Tried for that third kiss. Also I think that he would have text her called her flirted with her and so on. But they were friends they were friends for a very long time. I think that he confided his hurt in her. Not in an emotional way. They never had talks about us. They did that night. But even that night she made it clear she was not into him. And he still proceeded, i think that he was looking to push that out and see if he wanted to move on in the marriage or even have it all come out and have our marriage end without telling me he wanted out. 

But no there is so much more involved in an emotional affair then what has happened here and its time for me to see that. Cause I myself did it.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

scaredlion said:


> It's been ten years. I know of people who have gotten over tragic and life altering occurrences in less time. You say the cause is "you don't believe him." How do you REALLY know that he believes you when you say all you did was play strip poker. He may say he does believe you but deep, deep down he my have images of you naked and doing all kinds of things you haven't told him about. He has stayed with you for 10 years so he must love you otherwise, if you put him through turmoil, he would have left by now. You are only thinking about what you believe and haven't considered what he may be thinking. He probably hasn't ever really voiced what he REALLY thinks about you and the strip poker occurrence. Stand in his shoes for a while and try to see what is in his mind. You were both wrong in what you did 10 years ago. It's time to let it go or let each other go. I do wish you well.



I AGREE.. I think that my biggest mistake was seeing her on social media all these years and living in the past and not healing and moving forward. today I deleted her and her husband. I am trying super hard and let me tell you its hard. To move on. I think that it has become my identity in life. This victim of the past. That I have evolved the story from being a bad mistake and a really stupid thought process to him liking her. Obviously EVEN IF he thought for a minute that he did or may have he stopped it and realized it wasn't something he wanted. He did not try to kiss her the third time when she told him 'I could kiss you right now, but I am not going to' He said Good I don't want you too. This was very much the opportunity to keep pushing if he was emotionally invested in her and not me. I think that I care so much about what other people think and say that I get lost in listening to him and what he is telling me. Like when he says I did it to figure us out. That could mean in so many words he did it to see if he truly loved me. If he wanted out and wanted to find someone else. Whether it be her to a point. Or if he was ok with this action that he swore he would never do. Also the attention I am sure was a feeling that he thought of that would be nice. She was very good at making people think that she was into what they were about. I myself got sucked into her thinking that we were the very best of friends. But today I ended it all. I closed that door. ANd I will NOT reach out to her and try to make sense of something that is what it is.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> I agree with @scaredlion. Let go one way or the other.
> 
> Furthermore, Zoloft is a specific treatment and has significant side effects. Kudos, I think, for being off, but hope the removal was doctor supervised. Read about the side effects and what happens when discontinued. Glad someone decided it was no longer needed.
> 
> You seem to ruminate--stay in your mind about 'what might have happened/been/ etc'. That is not healthy for anyone. How you proceed is a choice. Choose wisely.



I am going to speak with my dr today about other thing i can take to help with my obsessive thinking. I have always been this way even when I was little. I do believe unfortunately that I need help. I don't think that any amount of therapy will help. I may just need a low dose of something to help me not be so crazy.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> But no there is so much more involved in an emotional affair then what has happened here and its time for me to see that. Cause I myself did it.


OP - i tend to agree but that's not to minimize your pain. But you yourself have been honest about *your* EA. Was that a threat to your marriage? When you look back it was all about attention and validation wasn't it? That's a very human feeling and desire. Maybe that's what your husband was after too and maybe that's why it never progressed to anything. That's not to rug sweep but maybe to give you some peace that it was less about you and his feelings towards and more about his own insecurities. And maybe he's in a far better place now and more mature to handle.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I am going to speak with my dr today about other thing i can take to help with my obsessive thinking. I have always been this way even when I was little. I do believe unfortunately that I need help. I don't think that any amount of therapy will help. I may just need a low dose of something to help me not be so crazy.


I'd like to see you get therapy about FOO and later issues and not depend on meds. Of course, if you don't believe in therapy, that is problematic. Guess it is just me, but I'd like to feel like I had more control personally.

Think about how much pain/discomfort you feel by obsessing, worrying, etc. This type of behavior solves nothing and there are specialists in this field that can help. It is difficult to live with someone unable to trust which--bottom-line--is what this feels like.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > I am going to speak with my dr today about other thing i can take to help with my obsessive thinking. I have always been this way even when I was little. I do believe unfortunately that I need help. I don't think that any amount of therapy will help. I may just need a low dose of something to help me not be so crazy.
> ...


I think I need to figure out what I can’t let go of and what my core issue is. I think honestly it’s cause I think he is lying to me. But who keeps the same story 10 years later. Right? I feel that he is worried that if he was to yell me he had feelings I would leave. So he stuck to his story all these years. And I don’t know why I can’t teust what he says. I don’t know if I should just end it. And by ending it does that help me or him? Or would I be worse? When a man cheats on you and tells you that he did it to figure out our marriage how do you interpret that?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

OP - i tend to agree but that's not to minimize your pain. But you yourself have been honest about *your* EA. Was that a threat to your marriage? When you look back it was all about attention and validation wasn't it? That's a very human feeling and desire. Maybe that's what your husband was after too and maybe that's why it never progressed to anything. That's not to rug sweep but maybe to give you some peace that it was less about you and his feelings towards and more about his own insecurities. And maybe he's in a far better place now and more mature to handle.[/QUOTE]

I was very Honest with my emotions involved in my EA and the reasons why o did it. I feel like he is scared. I feel like the first time it happened and he felt bad that should have been enough to tell him. But something changed with him from instantly saying he messed up she is going to leave me to thinking he needed to do it again and see if he wanted me. I need help to process my brain has tried so hard all these years to understand it and never can. So here I am 10 years later like wtf..


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