# Pride and stubbornness...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So, after a loooooooooong nite making up with my wife last nite, I've come to question a few things. This forum has been a great help but one thing that many have commented on is the fact that the missus and I are both very stubborn (hence our fights, and heartaches, and childish games, and everything else) - but... the problem is... we both love each other for it!!!!

So what to do? :scratchhead:


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

you just have to be ok with being wrong and shutting up, or being right and shutting up.

you must everyday make the effort to agree to dissagree.

to end the fight or to not engage in one, just shut the fu*k up. let it be, if its important, let it cool down, bring it back up in a few days. if its stupid, like what channel the tv was on last, who cares, its not important.

stop getting all worked up with little things, and when its bigger more important things, be patient, and not snap judge until you her all, and take time to really hear..not just listen, but hear what the other person is saying.

its a hard thing to do, my h and i dont always follow this sage advise, but mostly and we get a lot more imoprtant things discussed and talked about so there are no surprises waiting around the corner by our need to always be "right".

you have to decide : happy or right
which is it


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> you have to decide : happy or right
> which is it


Well, we both tend to choose the latter when we believe in something =/

For me... biting my tongue when I feel I'm in the right gets me all jiddy and shaky and I can only swallow it for a few minutes before vomiting back out my "temporary submission" in disgust of myself. As for the missus she's no pushover either and if she is I would actually tell her off FOR being a pushover (I hate being a yes-man, but I can't stand yes-women either!)

It's strange though like, pride in a way makes us who we are and what we love in each other, but it's a double-edged sword. Some of our fights really goes crazy, then the silent treatments... bah! The silent treatments is a game she taught me even!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Oh, wow...again, here I go feeling old. I used to would fight to the death if I thought (and I usually was  ) right. Now? If my sweetie disagrees with me, I'll either PROVE my point (with evidence) or just let it go. Life really, honestly, truthfully is too short. Burying my ex when he was 45 taught me that one. I might have hated the man (we were separated for 3 years and had ZERO contact when he died), but it still had a profound effect on me. "Life's too short" isn't just a cliche. I don't have to be right all the time anymore.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Well, we both tend to choose the latter when we believe in something =/
> 
> For me... biting my tongue when I feel I'm in the right gets me all jiddy and shaky and I can only swallow it for a few minutes before vomiting back out my "temporary submission" in disgust of myself. As for the missus she's no pushover either and if she is I would actually tell her off FOR being a pushover (I hate being a yes-man, but I can't stand yes-women either!)
> 
> It's strange though like, pride in a way makes us who we are and what we love in each other, but it's a double-edged sword. Some of our fights really goes crazy, then the silent treatments... bah! The silent treatments is a game she taught me even!


Who said that you are right? Maybe she thinks that she is right!

We just have different opinions, no right or wrong. It is important for us to respect each other's opinion and find the happy compromising zone. 

We agree or disagree, but don't need to fight and be upset with each other!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

RD, you sound like me and my hubs.
All I can say is that it's f-ing exhausting for both of us to be this stubborn, it doesn't help bring us closer, and I've noticed that when I chill out, we are happier. I only say "I" because I'm really making an effort to chill out. Yesterday I didn't; my husband acted like a jerk and I couldn't get over it.
But when I bite back and fight back, I usually end up feeling worse than when I shrug and sweetly say: "that's your opinion, darling. Mine is different." and just move on.
Not easy for me, not in my nature to back down.
But i'd rather be happy than beat my head against the wall arguing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Could it be just a temper issue? Not really pride/stubborness?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Could it be just a temper issue? Not really pride/stubborness?


Can you talk with a mild tone? When you are showing your frustration, just say it, but don't shout or yell! 

My husband always talks to me in a mild tone, he told me, if I don't like what he did, just tell him and let him know, but don't yell or scream. I have learned to do this!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

RandomDude said:


> Could it be just a temper issue? Not really pride/stubborness?


Without a doubt. Most people despite what they may think, absolutely suck at conflict resolution.

I'll never forget, I used to work with a guy who would regularly claim: "I'd rather fight than win."

There are people that flat out enjoy conflict. If you are, or are partnered with somebody like that, I would say it is crucial that you establish terms of engagement and boundaries, otherwise the relationship becomes corrosive. Instead of working towards happy and building each other up, the goal becomes 'winning' and tearing the other person down. Won't work. Can't work.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh that's something to work on I guess


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

I feel that when an individual doesn't feel valued they try to prove their point but on the other hand I know that silence in its self is (confidence) and persuasive. It puts the control back in your hands when you are in control of yourself. Value comes from within not from others. Best of luck


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

ok..this is going to sound harsh...but your a big man and you can take it..............

if you both pull your heads out of your asses, you might find that the bith if you are sayint exactly the samething, just in a different way.

really, its not good to always be in conflict. she will not feel secure with you, and may start hidding things from you just to avoid a screaming match. the same for you.

remember: its you and her against the world, dont forget that just because you are behind closed doors.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> So, after a loooooooooong nite making up with my wife last nite, I've come to question a few things. This forum has been a great help but one thing that many have commented on is the fact that the missus and I are both very stubborn (hence our fights, and heartaches, and childish games, and everything else) - but... the problem is... we both love each other for it!!!!
> 
> So what to do? :scratchhead:


Communicate and set a rule.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep having those long nites, and a few long mornings, along with some quick nooners, and things will work out;-)

The both of you will mature as you go along, and stay away from any resentment towards each other. To do that the both of you need to say what you feel. The b*tch is some folk. have a hard time doing that. Its so much easier to say things are fine and go on about the day. Then all of the the suddeny our fighting over the littlest thing. And then your like WTF and then a aguement. 

So, discuss the feeling then, avoid the resentment, and the little sh*t won't matter. See it's so easy for resentment to snowball, so it needs to be eliminated by both of you discussing the issue right then and there, without anger or jundgement,

Easier said then done, right? Well bring it up and see if she want to go along (preventing resentment that is).

Compermise, thats another thing. One of you most likely feels that HE or she is compermising more then the other. Then BAMB here starts the resentment. Get it?

Good luck, its work!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Easier said then done yes... for I just kicked her out of my house - check private section. *sigh*

Think we've fallen too far to make things work, it should be like compulsory for newlyweds to read a book on marriage and how to be a good hubby and how to be a good wifey so 2 years later no one will end up in my position right now.

Part of me wishes I found this forum sooner. It's a rather... screwed up time at present.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Easier said then done yes... for I just kicked her out of my house - check private section. *sigh*
> 
> Think we've fallen too far to make things work, it should be like compulsory for newlyweds to read a book on marriage and how to be a good hubby and how to be a good wifey so 2 years later no one will end up in my position right now.
> 
> Part of me wishes I found this forum sooner. It's a rather... screwed up time at present.


RandomDude, you didn't screw up.

You need to feel confident with yourself that you have the abilities to cope with your wife. You said she's a strong woman so it takes you more energy. Your target is:

Love
Respect
Communication

When communication doesn't work, you need some acts.

You don't have to shout or get angry but you must be firm, calm & serious. Show her who you are. 

Remember women love cool men, not hysterical men.

Don't back off and give in.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No, she ain't strong at all, what she shows is just an illusion of strength. Her strength died a long time ago along with the woman I once loved.

Heh give in? To this "Fake"? No, that's impossible now. I hate this "fake" just as the woman I once loved would.

How did I not screw up? ACK, let's not talk about this here.


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