# Seperated but living together.



## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

I finally left my husband this past Friday after a long time coming. Originally I planned to move back to where my parents are (about 2 hours away) and re-build there. After leaving my husband and talking with him, I have agreed to stay where we are now, and keep the kids in the school they are in, and everything the same. but now I think my husband thinks everything is fine and doesn't get it. I have repeated to him TOO many times that in my mind we are seperated and there is no hope, it is over. He understands that (well says he does) but he does not believe it is over, and there still may be a chance to re-ignite the flame later down the road. We are still living in our house and plan to for a while and he said he will leave a night or two a week. but to me that isn't enough. We still sleep in the same bed, and are going on as usual. I obviouslt do not think everything will change over night, but do you think I am giving him hope by staying in the same bed and same house. I don't want to hurt the kids, so I want him around for them, but I also don't want him to think everything is fine. Any Advise?


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Some people on this site think that couples should keep living together even while separated I am not one of them, in fact I think it is worse!!!!, once it's out there that someone wants to leave, they should ASAP, only then can they absorb the situation from a distance, even if you say it is over, you really need to be apart to be sure, if some separations are meant at re-connecting, being apart is not going to hinder that but help it IMO, something while living together is not working so how does separation while living together make sense?..like you said, your husband thinks everything is fine, when in fact it is making you even crazier!!!..if I'm wrong, let me know!..I was in that situation, kids and all, and I found if both parents keep it civil, the kids adjust to it, in fact, both parents can focus more on themselves and the kids IMO, yes, it's tough with kids, but I also think it is unfair to either spouse to stay for that reason alone.


----------



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Hi daisykay, 

Long time since I have seen you post. I was in the same boat if you remember. Funny I am still in the same boat. I told my husband in March I wanted a divorce and here it is July and nothing much has happened we still have the house and sleep in the same bed. However we have a king size bed and he sleep on his side and I sleep on mine. We have nothing together as far as connection is concerned. I am however talking to my parents and might move back with them. (1hr away) It will make things easier I think at this point. My husband is thinking we are fine and we are not. Its never going to be fine and so I think I need to be the one to make it happen.
Keep me posted about your situation as it helps me sort thru mine, believe it or not. 

Chin up, 
Numb


----------



## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

Numb, I am glad to hear that you are still in the same boat as I am, not for your sake, but it is a little comforting to know that I am not the only one that is seperated and living in the same house, and sharing a bed. Are you two still doing social things together, Seeing mutual friends and that sort of thing? I do not want to. we have a wedding in August and the mixed party is this weekend and I do not feel I should go. It is his friend, he is in the wedding and all of his friends know what is going on, and I would feel uncomfortable, and he feels that it is fine and we should go together. What do you do on your typical evenings? Are you two still eating together, and spending the nights watching TV together?


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Just make a break for it!!!..are you ladies still going to be doing the same thing 1, 5 or even 10 yrs down the road?...the first step is the hardest and easiest!


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think you two are giving your husbands really mixed messages. On the one hand you say you’re going to leave, on the other you don’t leave. You say you’re going to leave, yet you still share your husband’s bed. Reckon you should at least sleep in another room. How’s he going to know what you “really” mean?

I guess you’ve heard the phrase “clutching at straws”.

Bob


----------



## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

Hi daisykay,

Typical night he gets home around 10-11pm and I am typically in bed by 9:30-10. We hardly ever talk. He goes out with his friends and I go out with mine. Some are mutual but we dont ever go together now. I have a wedding in Aug and he isnt going with me as I feel very awkward so not inviting him. I would say you shouldnt go to the wedding just my take. We do not eat together in fact we are home very seldom together. Week ends I visit my parents. My husband knows we are over and I dont love him, financially we need to figure out how to get out of the house and then things can move for us.

Keep in touch please,
Numb


----------



## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

We have the same schedules, and we are always home at the same time. Once the kids go to bed, he tends to either go in the basement or upstairs to watch TV and I say in the living room, but we still eat together. We talk all the time, and he keeps suggesting that we stay married and live like this. He is trying SO hard to make things work, and tells me that and to give him a chance, I feel that I have no reason to make him leave at this point becuase he is trying so hard. But at the same time, I do not love him, and it is over in my heart. But he holds it over my head that I am going throu a depression, and says I do love him but it is burried right now. He says he doesn't want to leave me alone, he wants to help me. and I don't want his help. He isn't getting it damn it.


----------



## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

This is rediculous. sorry but think it is. If you want to be separated, separate, but do not tease the poor guy, that is mean. If you sleep in the same bed, thenm of course it is Ok to want sex and comfort. If you not there then it is not OK, you cannot be separated and together. Seems you are not sure about stuff, and as you are still together, why not try and make it work.


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

they don't know what they want, or can't live without a man...which is it?


----------



## chuckisasking (Jul 19, 2010)

Sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out. Let's see, you are still sleeping in the same bed, still shaving your legs, still doing all the things that a man likes. What happens if he takes a peek under the covers when you are asleep? do you get upset or just let him?
What if you opened up the marriage and tried a few new things that could be fun? yeah yeah sex with other people is fun.. bla blah, blah,.... Who has time for it anyway? you will have to find a way to work out some of these things without being cruel...


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I will have my cake and eat it? Doesn't work that. It's impossible.


----------



## Cyn (Sep 16, 2010)

My husband doesn't love me anymore & we don't get along or like the same things he says. He goes to bars & drinks & I stay home & watch tv, I'm not a social person. He likes to stay out long; I like to stay 2 hours. We have a 14 yr old. Our son is out in the military. I don't like leaving her home while I'm out getting drunk. He dsn't want to spend money on attys & says we shld just live like we are until "something else comes along". As if I'm really wanting something else. I said he shld make himself a bedroom in the basement or his office since he's done with me. He says being I had originally suggested a separation that I should do that. We've been together 26 yrs & married 22. We've had other issues over the yrs like his excessuve drinking & emotional/mental abuse & my throwing him out of the house. My having one night stands cause someone showed interest in me while he was at bars & his having a "true love affair" when our daugher was 9 months old. We can't seem to forgive each other. We were doing good for while I had thought but the last 6 months he's wanted me to go out with him and I just can't sit there watching him drink & ignore me. He doesn't listen or show interest in anything I have to say. It wld be cheaper to stay this way but I just don't see the point of staying in the same bedroom. He hasn't touched me in months, sd he was done with me a long time ago. I can't afford health insurance and living on my own or buying him out. I don't want to move my daughter out of her surroundings and school. He wants it all! I've become bipolar since the affair issue and he throws that in my face repeatedly. How do I handle this? Just act numb?


----------



## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Cyn, you should start your own string! 

It is hard to know what you should do... I read you arguing both sides of your deal. You mention your child, but it's unclear the parenting roles. 

I do think the answer isn't to "just act numb". Nothing changes then, and something should change.


----------



## VioletRazzle (Sep 18, 2010)

My husband of 24 years informed me on 8-20-2010 that he wanted to leave everything and be alone. I am dealing with a loss of my best friend and the person I enjoyed weekends with. He suddenly started spending weekends with his sister and friends. He won't go to marriage counseling. I feel lost and alone. He has moved into our spare bedroom and I want him out of the house. And if that wasn't enough, we have been informed that he has indications of prostrate cancer. I am extremely stressed and don't know the steps to take. I am taking days one at a time. I have always been the stronger person in our relationship and this is taking a tremendous emotional toll on me. I don't want to burden my friends, most of whom are in long standing couple relationships. I have contacted a lawyer who is also a mediator. I want to be out of the LIMBO state I feel I am in and move on with my life


----------

