# Marital sex... we're just not that into it.



## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

This is more a philosophical discussion than anything personal, but it seems to come up so often, I'm curious what other people think.

I know that sounds pretty bland, but when all the stuff gets stripped away, I think "non-issue" could sum up a whole lot of people's attitudes about sex. It's not about rejection, it's not about punishment or duty, it's that as we exit our youth, many of us slide into a rather asexual state of being. Many of us had rather dysfunctional sexual modalities to begin with, only getting really excited over sex with a new partner or a stranger, seducing everything around us, obsessing on one particular individual to a point that could be called stalking, basing our sexual activity mostly on how sexy we felt _ourselves_ to be, hiding from sexuality entirely for our young adult years ... the list of sexual modalities that aren't compatible with a permanent relationship like marriage is long. 

The question is, if you are one of those millions of people who could say that, what do you do about it? If you're single, nothing, you simply accept who you are, how you feel, the idea that this may be a phase, maybe you'll be sexual again someday, maybe you won't. But if you're married, you're suddenly in this struggle over the question. Do you force your own sexuality? Do you pretend to be interested? Do you make a lot of excuses that make you unavailable? Being asexual isn't a reason to ask for a divorce, because it's passive. Wow, I don't care about having sex, I'd better get a divorce? Not so much. 

Thoughts? It seems like there are a lot of men here who are very upset over this issue. The general consensus seems to be, have sex anyway. Is that the best answer?


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

Ninety-five percent of single men masturbate. The other five percent are liars. I have not met a single guy yet that does not have a "porn stash." I can not speak to women, but that has been my experience with men.


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## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

So ... are you saying it's up to each individual to take care of his or her own sexual needs, but if they are in a marriage with an asexual partner, that care method should be self-care? Do you see that as an acceptable long-term answer?


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Tomson said:


> Ninety-five percent of single men masturbate. The other five percent are liars. I have not met a single guy yet that does not have a "porn stash." I can not speak to women, but that has been my experience with men.


I never masturbated while single and dating. It was due to the religious teaching that if I touch myself I am going to he11!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My perspective is that if there is something unsatisfying or mismatched about the relationship, that can't be fixed or compromised (compromise could even extend to an open relationship if the rest is worth preserving), end the relationship. The concept of marriage as forced servitude to another's wishes or lack thereof does not make sense to me, and I reject that concept. A relationship only has validity as long as the goals of the relationship are being realized to the satisfaction of those involved.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> I never masturbated while single and dating. It was due to the religious teaching that if I touch myself I am going to he11!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That must have _been _hell!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Modern Anglo-sphere marriage is at odds with Mother Nature, from beginning to end. Plus, so far as nature is concerned, women over age 50 have no need for sex. Your T levels are going in the tank, and no T is almost the same thing as no interest in sex. Basically, Mother Nature wants those of us, men included, over age 50 to just hurry up and die already.


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Modern Anglo-sphere marriage is at odds with Mother Nature, from beginning to end. Plus, so far as nature is concerned, women over age 50 have no need for sex. Your T levels are going in the tank, and no T is almost the same thing as no interest in sex. Basically, Mother Nature wants those of us, men included, over age 50 to just hurry up and die already.


This is an excellent point and biology is often considered destiny. I think the difference here is twofold. Men can still father children well past age 50 where women can not. Many people say this is why older men are attracted to younger women, right? The other thing that sort of changes this long-true statement is the advent of hormone replacement therapy. Many men can easy use transdermal steroid gel replacement hormone to keep their T levels up which fuels desire and one of may Vigara-type pills to assist with the mechanics of intercourse. I know that many older women have both blessed and cursed that "little blue pill."


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## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Modern Anglo-sphere marriage is at odds with Mother Nature, from beginning to end. Plus, so far as nature is concerned, women over age 50 have no need for sex. Your T levels are going in the tank, and no T is almost the same thing as no interest in sex. Basically, Mother Nature wants those of us, men included, over age 50 to just hurry up and die already.


F*** Mother Nature.

Ah, see? Aberrant sexuality. 

Any idea what to do with sexual cycles of incompatibility in the meanwhile? From this forum, it really does seem as if men in general maintain interest in sex longer, but maybe that's because this forum appears to be predominantly male.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

howdidthishappentome? said:


> F*** Mother Nature.
> 
> Ah, see? Aberrant sexuality.
> 
> Any idea what to do with sexual cycles of incompatibility in the meanwhile? From this forum, it really does seem as if men in general maintain interest in sex longer, but maybe that's because this forum appears to be predominantly male.


Suzanne Summers, she's got to be pushing 70, was on the radio a while back pushing her latest hormone book and the hostess asked her how often she has sex. Answer: 3X daily, as both of them are on testosterone. This is also the case with quite a few of my clients who are older.

Males start dropping T around 25, with a downward trend line until they fall of a cliff around 50. Then they start putting on fat, and more fat = lower T and more E, which leads to more E and less T. It's a feedback loop. 

You have to break the loop. Heavy squats and deads, 9+ hours of sleep, lots of sat fats in the diet, brazil nuts, walnuts, cod liver oil, can all raise T naturally in older males.

I have female clients who complain about no drive Hs.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

It should be plainly obvious that there is a difference between having no drive and not wanting or caring if you have drive. One speaks to the value one puts on the benefits of a physical relationship and the other on the ability to make that possible. 

It seems to me that the OP does not value intimacy and is seeking/pleading community and justification for that. While I would offer encouragement that there is nothing wrong with such an approach to life, what ought to matter is how your partner feels about it. She owes it to them to be honest about what the future holds if she will continue to deny intimacy.

It might be tempting to say she owes sex to the marriage, but I would say she owes being true to herself first, even if that is different today than it was 10-20 years ago. Would we have her live in a prison just because it was built a decade ago? 

Change in one spouse that ends a long relationship is regrettable, but it happens. We get one run through the chute of life and nobody gets everything right--No one has practice living life before they live it.

That said, I think the OP, or anyone who has no interest in intimacy, should examine why they feel this way to great depth both mentally and physically and with the help of health professionals. While you might be wired to get nothing from intimacy, it is more likely that you are being denied the lasting experience of one of the greatest things about our short lives by something that could be managed/addressed.


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

"Here's the thing that I hate to admit: if I lose attraction to a partner, I don't have desire for him. I'd have to fantasize about someone else, which is what I did. So And for some reason, in my past relationships, I've always lost the attraction."

This part sounds like simple habituation to a stimulus. It's the reason that Christie Brinkley was cheated on by each of her husbands. If there is not more than looks and attraction going on things are going to burn out in a few short years at best. If, as you have done, you can have a intellectual, spiritual, and friendship connection, then there is so much more to fuel attraction ad desire. So glad that you wound up with that person who aroused so much more than attraction in you.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Tomson said:


> Ninety-five percent of single men masturbate. The other five percent are liars. I have not met a single guy yet that does not have a "porn stash." I can not speak to women, but that has been my experience with men.


No need for a porn stash when you have the internet.
The 80's are ooooveeerrrrrr


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Suzanne Summers, she's got to be pushing 70, was on the radio a while back pushing her latest hormone book and the hostess asked her how often she has sex. Answer: 3X daily, as both of them are on testosterone. This is also the case with quite a few of my clients who are older.
> 
> Males start dropping T around 25, with a downward trend line until they fall of a cliff around 50. Then they start putting on fat, and more fat = lower T and more E, which leads to more E and less T. It's a feedback loop.
> 
> ...


So as long as I keep lifting at the gym my T won't take a nosedive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

How does a woman over 50 raise her testosterone levels naturally?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

karole said:


> How does a woman over 50 raise her testosterone levels naturally?


Two articles that may be useful:

How to Increase Testosterone Levels Naturally: 12 Steps

7 Reasons Why Women Need Testosterone | YourTango


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

"How does a woman over 50 raise her testosterone levels naturally?"

It sounds like Machiovelli knows a lot about this subject so you might want to ask him directly. I was just wondering, what do you mean "naturally?" Are you against using a prescription replacement that we absolutely know will work? You are trying to, essentially, rewire genetics -by whatever means you use. I am not sure that ingesting the precursors - which I am sure are some kind of amino acids - would do you much good if your body is not naturally wired to make testosterone as you age. I would recommend that you get your blood levels checked before you worry about the testosterone. That will also give you a good baseline no matter how you try to manage it - if you need to at all. You may want to talk with an Endocrinologist or a Homeopathic doctor if you want to go sans medication. Good luck.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

karole said:


> How does a woman over 50 raise her testosterone levels naturally?


Regular injections of male extract.:smthumbup:


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Want2babettrme said:


> Regular injections of male extract.:smthumbup:


HA! Fortunately, I get plenty of that, so if that is what's required to keep up your testosterone level, I'm A-OK!


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