# Did l overreact???? Should l stay home!!!!!



## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Two years ago my now husband and l moved to his home city and into a house owned by his mother. ( he is an only child) in the beginning while fixing up the house we lived with his mother. Not a good idea. Even though she newer said anything directly she commented on a lot of things l said or did with a smile but it always made me feel bad. 
I think she wanted my husband back to live with her alone. He is her only child.
Earlier this summer out of nowhere my husband got upset, and the result was him ignoring me for almost a week. 
At this time we were with my family. When we came home he went over to his mother to help her with something. I decided to stay home hoping that he would be in better mood after chatting with his mother for some hour. 
When he came home that evening he told me that he was going to his daughter alone. We had planned to go together but now he wanted to go alone. When l asked why this change of plans l was told that she needed him, she needed to spend time with her father alone. And that was his and his daughters decision, when l asked him what his mothers role had been he told me she had nothing to do with it. Later it turned out that she has been a big part of that decision. 
We have been through a lot those last years, ( caught him on dating sites) so l felt uncomfortable about him going by himself. Also because when we visited his daughter earlier this year she made a point of introducing her father to a women she had been babysitting for, she let me hang loose like l was only a random person they just meet. She also wanted to introduce him to her best friends mother which also is an single lady but there was no time for it. I told him about how uncomfortable her behavior had made me and said l was worried about her reasons for insisting that he should come alone. 
But the decision was made and nothing l could say would change it. He told me that he would only be away for a five days. He would help his daughter move and they would spend time together. (His daughter is 23 years old.)
Last week when he was on the phone with his daughter l am then informed that she and her father will be staying with her best friend and her mother for one night, the same one she wanted to introduce her father to earlier.
I tell her that her father is married and he is not going to sleep over at another women’s house. That was not a part of the deal. My husband and me agree on me booking a hotel room and l would come up and spend the night with him, and help out with the moving. 
Yesterday his mother calls him angry because she had just learned about the deal my husband and l had made. I was not a part of their agreement and l was not supposed to go. Then his daughter calls and is just as upset and everything ends up with him being upset with me. 
Suddenly l am the one to blame, the fact that his daughter had planned to take her father over and spend the evening and night at another women’s house was not a problem. I was the problem 
I am sitting her feeling like crap, he left yesterday upset with me, because l was ruining his daughters prime time with him. He left one day earlier than planned and l tried to tell him because of that they would get the same amount of days together as first planned, the only change was that l would come up and spend one night and the go home with him. 
I also told him that if his daughter had respected our marriage l would never have gone, but it was a result of her lack of respect that resulted in me coming. 
I feel bad, because before he left he told me that when we came back his mother wanted to have a family meeting with me because l ruined her granddaughters time. 
He also told me that his daughter was unhappy with him because we had gotten married without her being informed beforehand. So was his mother. 
So because they feel left out l feel that they are not respecting our marriage. 
I have since day one of our relationship tried to treat his two daughters the same way l treat my tree kids. We have paid for his oldest daughter’s room and boarding. For 6 months I paid for her health insurance when he was in between work. The youngest has lived with us. And l helped her out when she needed. I have not tried to take their mothers place, l only wanted them to feel included and welcomed. I have invited the oldest to stay over when she has been visiting the city but she has always turned the invitation down. recently l was told that she did not want to visit us or stay over because she felt it was on my terms. So she preferred us to travel back and forward between my mother in laws house and our when she is her. 
I feel so bad because l love my husband, but l feel l am failing, feeling blamed for things that l have had no control over. 
I might be overreacting. Maybe l should have let him spend the night in a strange women’s house. Maybe l am over sensitive and should stay home instead of going to meet my husband. 
All l know is that my husband changed when we moved here and his change was not a good one.
And that it is not normal that a married person spend the night in a house with a person of the opposite sex, no matter how much my husband and his family try to tell me it is. 



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> I might be overreacting.


Not in my book. You did well. Very well. You were being treated with great disrespect and stood up for yourself. Of course, that is exactly what your H should have been doing instead of leaving you to swing in the wind by yourself.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

After reading your other threads I think it's time you take charge of your future.

Your husband has been deceiving you your whole marriage! 

There's not one single reason to stay! YOU should never stay when he's treating you Ike the garbage he took out last week! And his family is only following his lead. Why would anyone ALLOW anyone to treat them so poorly? Much less that he has all his family treating you the same way! No can do!

If it were me? I'd gather ALL my self respect and courage and pack things up NOW! Be gone when he gets back. Don't take his calls and don't communicate with him while he's away!

He deserves NO part of you! He's lied and cheated the whole time you've been with him.

And you mentioned second chances in your other threads last December...well - he's had many more chances to treat you with respect but he's failed all this time.

The sooner you get rid of him - the better FOR YOU! Being undermined by a spouse AND his family is just a big message they are all sending you - that they don't respect and honor you is dispicable and just not right!

Get busy packing/moving! Or get busy moving HIS stuff out! You can tell him since he doesn't act married to you he can go live somewhere else - maybe his Moms or his daughters place since he acts more married to them than he does to you!

Put his stuff in storage and mail the key with the storage number to his Mothers place. Pay for one month and let him know he can handle it after that.

He wants to act single and disrespectfully? Let him BE single.

And stop making excuses for him. Any man who is treating their wife right isn't acting like he is.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did you get married and not tell his family? I would have thought that was very hurtful for his daughters.

Having said that, being that he has been on dating sites, he should be doing all he can to regain that trust. 
Also interfering MIL'S can and do ruin marriages. He clearly hasn't really cut those apron strings. I think that some good MC may help this situation.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

steven.lill said:


> I might be overreacting.


I don't think so. Time for your husband to inform the daughter and mother that YOU are his wife and will not be excluded.


----------



## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

First of, my husband has changed. He is not on dating sites anymore. He has for months not given me any reason not to trust him. So in this case it is his daughters motive l do not trust. 

Second, l love my husband. And because he changed l feel that giving him a second change was a good thing.

One problem is my mother in law and the fact that she feels entitled to interfere or put demands on him when it comes to his daughter ( it is only one that has their focus). And she is also letting him know that he has to take care of her and his father. They are divorced and never remarried. 

I know my H feel responsible. And l know that she is pressing on the right buttons to make him do what she wants him to do.

My rant was more about the fact that l don’t know how to navigate around my MIL without making my H feel a conflict of loyalty. I don’t know how to make her understand that the game she is playing is not ok. That her putting her son as a hostage between her and me, is not something a mother who care for her son should do. 
I also need to make my H understand that at the age of 23 his daughter needs to grow up, and stop trying to punish her father or trying to control him. 
I want us to be friends, but at the same time respecting each other. I am to old to start a fight with my MIL, what l need is for her to understand that her son moving back does not mean that she should try to dictate his life. And she has to respect that he has a wife.

I need advices on how to deal with my challenges. I am not and will not at this time leave my H. I really think we can work this out, just not sure how yet.

The reason we did not tell any of our kids or any other family member about us getting married was that we wanted the privacy. 
Maybe also that we both feared deep down inside that if we told it would not be “ that’s nice, happy for you” and negative feelings from family members was the last ting we wanted on “our day”




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Look - your husband has NO backbone. He purposely ALLOWS his family members to criticize and disrespect you.

When you express how it hurts your feelings he disregards you even further.

He HAS chosen his side - it's not with you!

His alliance is with his family not you.

You call that love - I call it horrible as far as any relationship would go!

Stay - but this IS what you've got! He's not changing. You accept it then if you're so intent on staying for "love".

Love doesn't look like that.


You're married to a man child that talks terrible to you and treats you terribly. Why would you think that's love?

Expect more of the same. His Mom and daughter will continue to divide you two and he will allow them to every time.



And why should his daughter grow up? Heck, he's never grown up! He still needs his Mommy to run his marriage for Gods sake.

I'd want to get as far away from that brand of toxic if I could.


Do you work full time? Do you have enough money to support yourself?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

steven.lill said:


> Earlier this summer out of nowhere my husband got upset, and the result was him ignoring me for almost a week.
> 
> When he came home that evening he told me that he was going to his daughter alone. … l was told that she needed him, she needed to spend time with her father alone. And that was his and his daughters decision, when l asked him what his mothers role had been he told me she had nothing to do with it. Later it turned out that she has been a big part of that decision.
> 
> ...


^^THIS.^^

Tell me what it is that you love about your husband, given what you have posted here.

From where I'm sitting, it sure doesn't sound like your husband loves you.

Maybe if you found out where you left your self-respect/self-esteem, you would see that this man you claim to "love" is actually a mommy's boy. 

Oh, and P.S., the way you report him treating you has nothing even to remotely do with love. Seriously.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

steven.lill said:


> My rant was more about the fact that l don’t know how to navigate around my MIL without making my H feel a conflict of loyalty.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your rant is aimed at the wrong person. Your husband has NO business going through with these latest plans. He's an adult, a big boy. He knows exactly how this makes you feel and that is highly disrespectful that he went through with the plans.

Your problem is not your MIL and your stepdaughter. It's your husband.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

steven.lill said:


> First of, my husband has changed. He is not on dating sites anymore. He has for months not given me any reason not to trust him. So in this case it is his daughters motive l do not trust.
> 
> Second, l love my husband. And because he changed l feel that giving him a second change was a good thing.


Yeah, all cheaters have miraculous 'changes' that turn them into Saints - after you catch them, of course. All he's done is *hide* his **** behavior better from you so you don't catch him again. Don't be surprised one day when you find a burner phone hidden in his car trunk, tool box, fishing gear box or somewhere in the garage.

The only one disrespecting your marriage is your sneaky, lying husband. You keep trying to blame HIS behavior on his daughters or his mother. Is he such a damned wimp that he can't make his own decisions and do the right thing? Is he such a damned wimp that he's incapable of showing you the respect you deserve? It's everyone else's fault that he continually disrespects you - but it's not his? Was it his mother or his daughters who set him up on the dating websites, too?

Stop painting this guy to be some kind of victim others are manipulating. You just refuse to see this guy for who he *really* is.

And your reasoning for not telling anyone when you were getting married - "because you wanted your privacy" - quite honestly sounds like a boatload of crap. I'm guessing you two have either had a less than stellar history (your relationship began as an affair) or your lying husband was too afraid to tell his ex-wife, his mother and his daughters he was remarrying and continually LIED to them about your engagement and upcoming nuptials. Either way, it's yet just *ANOTHER* example of your husband's inability to be honest. No surprise there.



> I need advices on how to deal with my challenges.


What you REALLY need is advice on is pulling your head out of the sand, opening your eyes, and realizing your husband is a lying snake and not the 'victim' you want so desperately to believe he is.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your husband hasnt changed. 

Go back and read every post you have typed here.

He is still disrespecting you and treating you with disregard. 

He's done it all throughout this year and looks like since you married him.


Why do you think love looks like that? 

Why wouldn't you rather be on your own? Being treated this way by him is definitely being with a blatant liar and he's abusing you.

Stop defending his bad behavior.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Look, you need to face the fact that you have a crappy husband, who has zero intentions of being anything other than a crappy husband. You go on about marriage vows, for better or worse. Worse isn't supposed to be CHEATING and blatant DISRESPECT of your spouse, allowing others to disrespect your spouse, or giving your mother priority over your spouse. Why is divorce not an option for you, do you not have means to take care of yourself?? As a grown adult, you should always make sure you have those means, so you don't get stuck with a loser like him. Please find your self love and self respect, and get ALL of these people out of your life!


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

In short ma'am, your husband is spineless, and he is surrounded by a family that is conniving. I have little idea what the rationale would be for him to be in contact with a single woman, when they know he is married, and may or may not be as High Fidelity as RCA Victor. This shows a high level of disrespect for you. If it were me, I would cut them all out of my life.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You are getting pulled into too many passive aggressive circles... games abound.

No more victim assignments for those playing the game... everything is a choice.

Your behavior and theirs.

Your relationship with your husband should never be a competition, so be mindful, love yourself more, and stop competing.... you cannot make her (MIL), him, or his daughter see anything. What you can do is stop reacting to their controlling approach. 

It seems they want to place you out of his life... I would almost assure you there is collusion between some members, this is too well orchestrated in the success of your frustration. So you know this music... let's change the beat.

I think sometimes the obvious is best... 

"Husband, if this continues you are going to lose me."

Is this not a true statement?

You are now setting a boundary... you are stating up front the obvious outcome of these interferences that he is choosing to accept. 

Simple cause and effect.

I know you love him... amazing what love can build in us also can also be used against us as we negotiate down our own respect, compassion, calm for those who don't appreciate us.

Take yourself out of the competition... you don't deserve what you are putting yourself through because you are looking at yourself through the eyes of people who don't value you.

Take their power away... leaving them to their misery is not quitting, refocus your determination so it shows strength and not desperation.

If he wishes to place you first... his actions will lead.

If not, the answer may not be the one you hoped for, but at least you will have it, games aside.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

> If he wishes to place you first... his actions will lead.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@Beach123,

Give him a chance to face his line in the sand... let him choose with an unwavering clarity from the OP who will hold him accountable for his choices.

Being told you are not important or valued is often the freedom needed to understand why the hard choices are the better ones.

Once I was told I was no longer important, my life changed in so many ways... every one an exercise in loving myself more and a blessing.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are focused on the wrong person. He is the one who goes along with what his family wants. He is the problem.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Did you go see him? What has happened this weekend?


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Why did you get married and not tell his family? I would have thought that was very hurtful for his daughters.
> 
> Having said that, being that he has been on dating sites, he should be doing all he can to regain that trust.
> Also interfering MIL'S can and do ruin marriages. He clearly hasn't really cut those apron strings. I think that some good MC may help this situation.


My father married his long time live-in girlfriend and told me about it a few weeks later. No skin off my nose- he was a grown up....as am I. I never asked his permission to get married. 

That part being said. if my husband told me he was uncomfortable with me staying at a strange man's house, then I wouldn't stay there. So no, I don't think you're over-reacting or wrong.


----------



## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

I went like my H and l had agreed on, the hotel and travel tickets was already paid for. 
My H did not respond to my text before l left so l decided to go and enjoy myself. If l did not hear anything from him l would go home by myself and let them be. In the same afternoon they had called and texted several times, my phone was in my bag and l did not hear it calling. I decided to ask my daughter about something l was going to by, and by picking up the phone l saw the calls and texts. I called them back and they needed my help.
I helped out that day and the next two days.
I thought everything was fine since l stayed away and let the take the lead. 
On our way home yesterday my H suddenly screens at me in the car, telling me to shut my mouth up. He can’t stand hearing my voice. Telling me that’ll l was not invited, l did not respect his time with his daughter and that l more or less was a pain in the as. He said a lot of mean things. For the first time l was tired of being treated bad and told him what l felt about this whole situation and the way he went after me. 
This morning he told me how much he loved me and how important l was for him. And l believed we were fine. 
At dinner this evening he again starts telling me how tired he is of my moral values and how it had a negative impact on his family. How little they cared about my moral and how l looked at things. 
It went from bad to worse, and l was the blame. 
Again l told him that me, with my moral values, was the girl he fell in love with. I had not changed. Me on the other hand has been lied to deliberately by him several times. He is the one who has played a game with me and my feelings. 
I went on letting him know how l felt about everything. 
I don’t know how this will end, at this time l am so tired of the drama and this situation. 
I don’t need him, l have a job and a steady income. And l have friends and family that will be there for me. 
It is just that l am not on the page of leaving him yet. 
I have read all comments and are thankful for all input, but leaving someone who you promised to stand by for good and worse is a serious decision. And it has to be mine and made by me when l feel enough is enough. 
Sometimes just putting things down is helpful in it self. 
And maybe l am the one who overthinking things, maybe l make myself sound better than l actually are.
Who knows.....
Living Color, has a beautiful song called “ two sides” 
They sing “there is two sides to every story”. Beautiful song. 





Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I hope you can decide when enough is enough.

I just can't imagine staying with any man that would treat me terribly that way. Especially after just telling you that morning that he loved you. Love doesn't look like that! Abuse does though.


I think he's dispicable for treating you that way. I wouldn't be capable of staying with him one more minute.

But I believe in treating others with respect and honor - and he's not even close to either one of those traits.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Why did you get married and not tell his family? I would have thought that was very hurtful for his daughters.


Their marriage is about them, not his ADULT children. Given the way his family behaves I'm not surprised they did it in secret.

OP - you don't have a stepdaughter (SD) or MIL problem, you have a husband problem. Any man that will stand by and treat his wife this way, and allow his family to treat her badly is no man at all.

I hope you come to your senses soon and get a divorce. Heck, an annulment even.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

steven.lill said:


> I have read all comments and are thankful for all input, but leaving someone who you promised to stand by for good and worse is a serious decision. And it has to be mine and made by me when l feel enough is enough.


I can't argue with anything you've said here, you are right. But you have GOT to know that your presence, in your H's mind, was a total **** block. I think he has either slept with this woman, or was seriously thinking about it. You ruined it for him.

Let me ask you- how would you counsel your daughter if she had a husband that treated her how your H treats you? His behavior was highly deplorable and disrespectful. How you can stay is beyond me. His telling you to shut your mouth and your voice irritates him??!! And to hold you as a captive audience in the car while he berates you like that?? That's insane. That's NOT a healthy love between two spouses. He's flat out abusive. You realize that, don't you? And what's worse is they had no problem calling you when they needed 'help.' I would've told them to go kick rocks.

Sure-a promise is a promise, to stay through the bad, but I don't think you staying through this is what your marriage vows meant.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You divorced before - why the big change now? Why can't you divorce this guy when you divorced your last husband?

Your H already broke the vows! He promised to love honor and respect you - forsaking all others.

It's a pretend marriage at this point.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

steven.lill said:


> He can’t stand hearing my voice. Telling me that’ll l was not invited, l did not respect his time with his daughter and that l more or less was a pain in the as. He said a lot of mean things.





steven.lill said:


> At dinner this evening he again starts telling me how tired he is of my moral values and how it had a negative impact on his family. How little they cared about my moral and how l looked at things.


 I have been married to same person for decades. Although we sometimes may argue, I have never attacked such core things as my wife’s voice, morals, or how she looked at things. Above all I have always made it clear to her and everyone else that she is my priority in life, and that in any “us” and “they” conversations, she and I are always the “us”. That is not the case with your husband. You are made to always feel like the outsider, where your marriage does not matter.



steven.lill said:


> leaving someone who you promised to stand by for good and worse is a serious decision.


 You are not the only one that “promised to stand by” your spouse. Your husband also made that promise, but is clearly ignoring it. In fact, him not standing by you and making you his priority in life is the core issue as to why your marriage is in trouble.

The bottom line is that you should never make someone a priority in life, that is not committed to making you the priority in their life. One way commitmen in marriage, is no marriage at all. In this case, divorce would not be ending a marriage. It would just be acknowledging the reality that there is no marriage. Sorry that you are here. I wish you the best.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your H is a disrespectful git, why are you putting up with this? You haven't needed a man for a long time, you are financially independent I presume? No man is worth this. Lay down your boundaries and tell him to choose, enough is enough. BTW why did you move to his mothers house?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

My friend... let go of the things that hurt you.

It really is that simple...


----------



## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Beach 123
Even though l have been divorced before does not mean that l take light on my wows. 
I stayed in my previous marriage for + 20 years




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

steven.lill said:


> Beach 123
> Even though l have been divorced before does not mean that l take light on my wows.
> I stayed in my previous marriage for + 20 years
> 
> ...


I stayed in my M more than 20 years too. But guess what? I've never felt more freedom than when I ended that marriage.

Like your marriage - my exH was disrespectful and didn't stay faithful.

It didn't matter if I believed in my vows or not - my then husband ruined everything about the vows we took.


When it's done - it's best to recognize reality. If you're required to forfeit your self esteem and self respect (which it looks like that's true for you) - it's time to say the marriage already IS over and file for divorce knowing full well you deserve to be treated better than the way your disrespectful husband has been treating you.

He made the decision already! He's just not honest enough to tell you it's over.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

steven.lill said:


> Beach 123
> Even though l have been divorced before does not mean that l take light on my wows.
> I stayed in my previous marriage for + 20 years


I think you are starting to understand, but you should not have stayed in this marriage more than 20 minutes.

He is a cheater, he is a weak man who's mother runs his life, he cannot and does not know how to be a good husband, he even lets his daughter run his life. 

His daughter is trying to fix him up with someone else.

I mean, I don't know how much more disrespect you could possibly be willing to take.

Please just divorce and reset your life...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> I think you are starting to understand, but you should not have stayed in this marriage more than 20 minutes.
> 
> He is a cheater, he is a weak man who's mother runs his life, he cannot and does not know how to be a good husband, he even lets his daughter run his life.
> 
> ...


This is it in a nutshell. I will never understand why people think their marriage vows mean that they have to stay and tolerate abuse. Abuse is not part of for better or for worse.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

steven.lill said:


> Beach 123
> Even though l have been divorced before does not mean that l take light on my wows.
> I stayed in my previous marriage for + 20 years
> 
> ...


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

Have you made preparations for when he cheats and/or leaves you on his own? Sadly, and tragically the signs are there for both.

That's not opinion, but facts based on hard data you've provided. 

Something's got to give. Him being on dating sites combined with his family encouraging him to leave you are two horrible conditions. 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Try and form your own personal support group apart from H and his family. 

But no matter what happens it's very prudent and sounds urgent that you should have a couple contingency plans at least.

Best wishes.


----------



## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Like l said before l am at this time not going to ask for a divorce. And l can’t understand why that is the recommendation l get over and over again. 
I can understand that some feel that is the best solution for them, but not everyone look at things the same way.

Beside jumping the conclusion and telling me that my husband is a cheater is harsh, and as fare as l know not based on reality. Has he chatted with other women, yes. Has he been on dating sides, yes. But that is not proof of something more than being stupid and inconsiderate. 

I have no proof of him physically cheating on me. Has he made stupid decisions and done things that hurts me? Yes.
Does he see things from my view, no. But can l expect that? 
Our decisions is based on how we grow up and the environment we have been a part of. That don’t mean that someone can’t change. 
And my husband has changed. But changes takes time and has to be made by a willing hart. And l feel that giving him time is important to me. 
Is my H under huge pressure? Yes
Not always easy when you have people around you who have different opinions and want “same old, same old” 

I said before that my tread is more about putting words and feelings down, not about being told what to do.
Giving people advices is actually serious, what we bace our advices on is limited information, and one sided. 

I hope l don’t hurt anyone with my rant, that is not my intention, this is just a clarification about how l feel


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The title of your thread poses the question, "Did I overreact?" As a rule, when someone comes to a forum and asks questions, they receive answers.

Nobody is telling you what you have to do; however, this forum is for people to discuss issues, give advice, lend their perspective, and other miscellaneous things.

Perhaps journaling would be your best bet, if that is what you want to do. But I will give you my take on this. There are TONS of people here who have had to endure the painful experience of a cheating spouse. They know the symptoms a cheater exhibits, they know the behaviors a cheater shows. You might want to take some of what they have to say into consideration.

So you are saying your husband has hurt you. He doesn't "see" things from your viewpoint, which I interpret to mean he lacks empathy.

Additionally, he chats with other women and has visited dating sites. This is not the behavior a loving husband exhibits. Not by a long shot. And, yes, the family of origin does influence how an adult interacts in their marriage. However, I don't think it is a viable excuse or reason for a husband to show less than 100% fidelity to his wife and to his marriage.

I fail to see why you are getting so defensive about the advice you have received. If you don't like it, fine. But, as I've frequently stated, if you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.

Sadly, your husband IS treating you like crap. But it's your crap to accept. Your life. Your choices. Good luck.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You claim he has changed... yet, he was about to spend the night at a strange, single woman's house, and got angry with YOU that you didn't like that. SO angry that he verbally attacked and berated you for showing up. Is this really want you want to stay married to? Don't you think you deserve better? Reality is, he hasn't changed... he just got better at hiding things from you, sadly.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

His words alone are abusive. That's why he has you questioning yourself. Abusers always make you question yourself.

Add in his actions - and he's just a common jerk.

Your choice... stay knowing he's an abusive jerk.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> This is it in a nutshell. I will never understand why people think their marriage vows mean that they have to stay and tolerate abuse. Abuse is not part of for better or for worse.


QFT!

@steven.lill ,
Do you honestly think your creator *wants* you to be abused and miserable?


----------



## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

It doesn't seem like you are overreacting. You have full right on your husband as his mother and daughter have. He should give equal time to you also.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

My suggestion is for you to work with a counselor on your boundaries.

That's a good place for you to start.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Dawghoused said:


> It doesn't seem like you are overreacting. You have full right on your husband as his mother and daughter have. He should give equal time to you also.


Sorry, no. She's his wife. Wife trumps everyone else.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

steven.lill said:


> Beach 123
> Even though l have been divorced before does not mean that l take light on my wows.
> I stayed in my previous marriage for + 20 years


And if you divorce now, you assume people will think you're a failure. And unworthy. And untouchable.

Are you in therapy? Now would be a good time.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

steven.lill said:


> Like l said before l am at this time not going to ask for a divorce. And l can’t understand why that is the recommendation l get over and over again.


Why? Because there's nothing there to save. What does he do with you when his family is not involved? Does he take you to do things that you ask to do? Does he buy you things that you want? Does he tell his friends he can't go with them if you ask him to do something with you at the same time? I'm guessing no. 

There's one big issue here. It's that YOU treat YOURSELF as a second-class citizen. You tolerate his mom telling stories about you and yet you still interact with her. You tolerate his daughter SETTING YOUR HUSBAND UP with other women, and yet you still drive to her town and spend 3 days helping her move. You c*ck-block him by driving to her town JUST SO THAT he can't sleep with another woman. Then you tolerate him chewing YOU out and ridiculing you on the way home. Then you soak up his apology after the ONE time you stand up for yourself, and then you yet tolerate him once again doing exactly what his mother AND his daughter do - questioning you, ridiculing you, blaming you...and you just sit there and take it. 

Why is that, OP? Ask yourself that. You say you won't leave, fine. Don't leave. But don't go pretending that you have a prize of a husband. 

That said, you DO have options here. First, get into therapy to learn to start respecting yourself. You don't know what that looks like but people here have given you several examples of how to do it. Are you ready to try? You did do it one tiny time when you fought back on the ride home; and the next morning, he was afraid you'd had enough and so he apologized. Then he realized he had you back under his thumb (and he probably got a phone call from his mom, or from his daughter who is clearly tutoring under his mom cos she's the spitting image) so he felt ready to control you again.

So here's my second recommendation. Read this link and come back and tell us how many of the symptoms you recognize; once you come clean to yourself on that, we can then help you come up with a way to STOP it and teach him how to stop disrespecting you.
https://bit.ly/2vkSmcl


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Go back and read all your threads and posts and tell me your husband isn't abusive - and is a good husband worthy of staying with.

I think you'll have a difficult time fooling yourself into thinking he's worthy of you.

You're in denial. Get honest with yourself.

No one should put up with that abusive crap he delivers to you.

Remember - his family ALSO does it because HE allows it.

How dare he allow them to - how dare he treat you this way!

HE vowed to love, honor and respect you! He's not doing any of those things!

Be honest about his behavior...you've been lying to yourself.


----------

