# Emotional affair? Affair? Feel out of control



## superjazz (Feb 7, 2014)

Okay, I won't do a massive backstory. My wife, mother to my two young kids, is a brilliant person in most regards and would be considered by friends and the community as a superwoman. Likewise people likely think I'm a super dad and super guy. Friends have told me or both us they dream of having what we have like we're some model couple.

But it's a complete sham.

The problem isn't that either of us is a bad sort. I've always loved my wife dearly but for a long time she's always treated me like some dog turd she's stepped in - putting me down, nothing good enough, over zealous nagging, pretty controlling in the home, uncommunicative, doesn't seem to care about my work or my interests. Sometime there are heated arguments, sometimes I'd just start crying at what I felt was 'bullying', and occasionally I'd be hit by her, not enough to cause real damage but to cause physical pain.

With hindsight, she had some of those tendencies from day one but I loved her, we had amazing times together, great conversations, I loved her fierce intelligence and there was good sex. So it was pretty whirlwind stuff and we were married about a year after meeting. We've now been married for ten years.

The sex went very early on. Down to once or twice a year. Then five years ago it was regular because we had two children in quick succession. Then back to almost nothing. I feel I've become sex-obsessed now because I don't have a sex life: looking at porn when it never used to interest me, constantly thinking about sex. It's driving me mad.

For a few years now we've talk about divorce, separation, open marriage, but in a kind of semi-serious/semi-jokey or ironic way. There's been occasional huge rows, where she was going to throw me out or I was packing a bag to just go.

Now, if that sounds like a miserable marriage you might think at time I'd be vulnerable to an affair. Most of my friends are women and a few years back was very emotionally close to one. She was telling me very emotional stuff you might tell a sister or mother and said that I was a brilliant listener. There was nothing remotely flirty, though, and I never thought about being with her as more than a friend. But one day she did make a pass, and although I felt flattered in a way, I dealt with it as diplomatically as I could and nothing happened.

Another time, about a year later or five years ago, it was a similar close friendship that, again, wasn't especially flirtatious if at all, and I wasn't consciously attracted in that way. Again a pass was made and this time scared me as I was aroused and wanted it. I didn't go through with it. But I was shocked that I had been so close to doing it out of seemingly nowhere. But I didn't do anything.

I guess I felt proud that I'd heroically curbed these threats to my marriage, however dismal the marriage may have been.

The on-off 'semi ironic' talk of 'let's split up', 'go and have sex with someone else' has continued. I didn't really want the split or to get a 'sex buddy' because, and I have no idea why really, I actually really love and fancy my wife in spite of it all. What's the psychology behind that? I don't know. Even more I love living in the same house as my two little daughters and seeing them every day. Without them I probably would have been long gone.

Now, over the last year I've met someone, bizarrely via internet chit chat on a nerdy forum, and then Skyping. She lives about 3 hours away and we met once as friends early on when I had to work nearby. It was that feeling of finding a female double of yourself - so compatible. I felt the danger right away. I kept the fact i was married up my sleeve for a while and when I had naturally had to explain my living arrangements found my mouth saying, 'Yes, but we're virtually separated but living together' (pretty accurate in a way, but not really the truth either) because I didn't want to pull the plug. I think the fact I kept it up my sleeve annoyed her, making me seem shifty, but it hasn't derailed our 'thing', whatever that is and it's all very flirty.

Now I just feel a mess. That I'm not in the driving seat of anything anymore. Deeply depressed and anxious. Starting to find it hard to work effectively (I'm self employed and always have a backlog of things to do at the best of times).

Just help!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

As fast as you can get and read the two books linked to below. Also, you can download them if not from B&N then amazon.

Go to google and search free NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY , you will be shocked at how much help MMSLP and NMMNG can help you.

You are basically allowing it.

MMSLP is not a sex manual but a relationship guide. Time to unwrap your balls.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Dude!!!!!! 

So you had a dead bedroom...I understand the frustration. 

You can't continue the nerdy affair--- it will never ever pan out the way you imagine it and that's really all is is, you attaching huge significance to your "double" when your brain is simply desperate for any sort of attention. Sort of like how you stuff down a McDonald burger pretending its a top shelf steak?


Seems like your wife still has a lot of positive things you enjoy about her and while I am horrified at the hitting......you need to both get some counseling. 

Marriages need tunes up and there is no shame in that. Get some. 


The reason you are a hot mess is due to the flood of chemicals coursing through you body over the last year=drug addiction. The high you got from finding your double is not enough any more and your building up a tolerance to that ****tail. 

If your a smart guy you will read about limerence, brain on love anything by Helen Fisher etc etc..to understand why you feel so lost.


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## superjazz (Feb 7, 2014)

I suppose it's odd that having seen marriage breaking downs and the end of long term relationships among friends it seems than sometimes things brakedown over a tiny fraction of the things I've experienced.

A few years back I had some counselling paid for my my then employer as they noticed I was dropping the ball too often at work when I'd been a superb employee before (again it was all down to being thoroughly miserable time with my home life) and she suggested I needed marriage counselling after I recounted some of what had been going on.

I did suggest marriage counselling, and thought it might be worth a try, but my wife was having none of it - all I had to do was meet some impossible ideal she couldn't really define and that was that. We both work very hard in our jobs and we share household and family tasks and I do much more of the practical stuff of dealing with the kids, none of which I mind at all, as well as a huge amount of DIY on the house we bought that needed work. But I'm portrayed as some sort of 'lazy bastard' that 'doesn't help'. It drives me nuts.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

superjazz said:


> I did suggest marriage counselling, and thought it might be worth a try, but my wife was having none of it - all I had to do was meet some impossible ideal she couldn't really define and that was that. We both work very hard in our jobs and we share household and family tasks and I do much more of the practical stuff of dealing with the kids, none of which I mind at all, as well as a huge amount of DIY on the house we bought that needed work. But I'm portrayed as some sort of 'lazy bastard' that 'doesn't help'. It drives me nuts.


Try egain, this time as an ultimatum you are willing to follow through.

Mean while, read those books.


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