# When the children don't matter to an ex-husband



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I will try keep this as brief as I can. We used to have shared care and as of 3 weeks ago the children are now in my full-time care. I have tried several times to sort recent issues out by email with the ex but he hasn't bothered to put what happened right. 

As far as his contact with the children goes, he calls them about once a week and last thing at night. It would seem he has chosen his new relationship over the children. I am not jealous at all. In fact, I am relieved to be divorced from this boy. He is not a man and never will be. Now though, 2 months after divorce the crap is continuing and the children are starting to wonder if their father actually cares about them. I don't think he does but I keep that to myself. I can only hope someday that he will regret it. 

Anyone else have an ex who has lost interest and doesn't care about the children? How do you deal with it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling for your children as soon as you can arrange it. 

Interesting that ex is showing his true colours to you AND his children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Counselling for your children as soon as you can arrange it.
> 
> Interesting that ex is showing his true colours to you AND his children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. Counselling is essential and the soonest we can attend any sessions would be from mid-June. The ex-showed me his true colours a long time ago. It's a pity our children are going to hurt more for it .


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I would agree on the counseling. 

Also, once your children have been for a while, maybe have them collectively write him a letter with the therapist, in their voice. I don't know if it should be sent.... Maybe yes, if you think he might absorb it rather than turn it back on you as a "manipulative" tactic. 

You can only do so much to encourage his presence in their lives. A letter from his children might wake him up some or it'll do nothing. At that point you can feel that you tried your best.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Can you tell us what the safety issue was OP? Why do the kids have to be with you full time? Why do you say he's chosen his new gf over the kids?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't make excuses for my kids dad, I just tell them he is who he is and they figure out the rest. 

He's a little better these days and asks for them on many weekends, and they'll go for a night or two. 

But they want to come home after that and they know if they need anything they come to me. 

I don't get involved in any of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Can you tell us what the safety issue was OP? Why do the kids have to be with you full time? Why do you say he's chosen his new gf over the kids?


I will have to PM you the answer to this.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My first husband basically walked away from our two children, they were 1 and 6 at the time. He told me that he would not be the parent who hounded for visitation because his girlfriend was not interested in helping him with the children. For two years while he was with her he had no contact. The relationship did not work out, they broke up and then his next girlfriend wanted to try and reunite him with his children. He then came back into their lives, my oldest was especially excited about this as she had been abandoned and had wanted him so badly in her life. Sad thing was he could not face up to his own actions so instead of being truthful about what he did he made up lies to our children about what I did to try to make me look bad and so they would favor him. I tried to talk to him about this, I did not want the kids involved but he never stopped. This has created a great deal of damage and absolutely needless.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

That's terrible . My EXH has had 3 weeks resolve an issue (can't go into too much detail on here), but instead of doing that he has defended and agreed with his girlfriends atrocious actions, doesn't give a sh1t about my concerns being the mother and all that. He is distancing himself so whatever hurt he has is self-inflicted. He is choosing to not make an effort and then in the same breath he says that I am to blame for this WHOLE mess which is another huge lie. Because he can't be bothered to fix the issue he will maintain that I am making the children choose a parent but I am doing no such thing. 

If the children have contact sometime in the future I'm sure he will do exactly what your exH did, lie, lie and lie some more. He's gotten this far in life by lying and it doesn't matter if the little people have to hear his stories either.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My ex ignored the kids once he left. I THOUGHT he would at least be a good weekend daddy...but nope. I THOUGHT he'd want to score some good-guy points with his kids. They didn't need much from him, it wouldn't take much.... but nothing. They were teens, so they had their own stuff going on too. But when they'd ask what's up with dad...I'd just tell them that he lives on Planet Bob. 

Now, they are all in their 20's. I moved 1100 miles away, they all followed. They call him on his birthday and Father's Day. He calls them once in awhile. They don't seem to miss him. 

They "get it". They know who was there (and still is) for them. They KNOW who showed up to everything. They KNOW which parent didn't wig out and abandon the family. I have never bad mouthed him. I didn't have to, his actions distanced them. 

Just be the best mom that you can be. Don't bad mouth dad. Don't speak for dad....let him explain whatever he feels the need to, or not. They will understand sooner or later. Start new traditions that represent your new family lifestyle....it will be different from before "when dad was here". Change it up a bit, and let them help figure out how. 

Hang in there. It will get better.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> I will have to PM you the answer to this.


Please PM me, too. I'm curious. 

I can only relate in the sense that my ex only cares about himself in the end because he sees nothing wrong with putting his kids in the middle only for his ultimate gain (which is to try to pay no child support). He does at least take them for custody though and I have no fears about safety . 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Please PM me, too. I'm curious.
> 
> I can only relate in the sense that my ex only cares about himself in the end because he sees nothing wrong with putting his kids in the middle only for his ultimate gain (which is to try to pay no child support). He does at least take them for custody though and I have no fears about safety .
> 
> I'm so sorry for what you're going through.


I just sent you a PM.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

My dad did this to us. He left when I was 5, my brother 3. We never saw him again until I was about 15. Even then, he HAD to take us because we had no where else to live. That arrangement was short lived, though.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

staarz21 said:


> My dad did this to us. He left when I was 5, my brother 3. We never saw him again until I was about 15. Even then, he HAD to take us because we had no where else to live. That arrangement was short lived, though.


So sorry to hear this. I wish more parents would realise that children need both parents and abandonment can be detrimental for children, regardless of age. I can't imagine starting over would be easy! In terms of my exH I hope what's happened is worth it for him. It really is sad because the children have been a part of his life longer than she has and right now their visitation has been affected and I have been blamed for everything.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi OP, I got your PM. I've replied and asked a couple of questions, but I think it's *possible* that you're over reacting. I'm not sure there is any issue with your children's safety at their fathers house...

I wonder if it's simply that he feels that you're trying to say how things will be in his house? He perhaps feels that you shouldn't have a say? I know that both my husband and I are on the same page that his ex wife has zero say in what goes on in our home, the way we run it or the rules we have. 

Not sure it's right or fair to withhold the children for these reasons...


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Hi @frusdil, I told you the reason in confidence so I'm suprised to see that you put the gist of it on the main discussion board???

Anyway for clarification the abuse and threats were made to me about me and when someone can swear about my children there is more to it than just words. To me she is a risk and the part I have a problem with is when my exh leaves the children with her to go and do his own thing. I worry about retaliation and my children are only young. There is concerns about excessive alcohol consumption but I will just leave it here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi @Threeblessings - I didn't put the gist of it on the board?? I was very careful not to. Not sure where I've said what the reason was? I'm happy to delete my post if you're concerned...


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Hi @Threeblessings - I didn't put the gist of it on the board?? I was very careful not to. Not sure where I've said what the reason was? I'm happy to delete my post if you're concerned...


Hi frusdil,

I apologise for my response. You can leave your post.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My kids dad and I split when they were 4 mos, 2 and 4 yrs. For a couple of years he was around and would 'babysit' them as he called it on weekends once in a while, but that ended when he moved a couple thousand miles away.

My oldest son has issues to this day - he's 27. Not only did his father abandon him, but so did my brother, when he was a few years older. Now he has absolutely no faith in men to keep their word, and he's pretty jaded about relationships in general. Claims he is never having kids. He refuses to even speak to my daughters boyfriend whom she has a baby with. My son figured why bother forming a relationship with him cuz he's just gonna disappear one day. My son has no relationship with my current husband either. He actually accused him of sexually touching him when he was about 8 - allegations that were false and proven so after an investigation by child welfare. That was ****ing fun let me tell you. He's been in a lot of counseling over the years and it seems to have helped to a degree - he's fairly happy now, he's a chef and in a longish term relationship.

When they were growing up they experienced broken promises and disappointments one after the other from my ex. I basically had to weather the storm, cry with them and let them be mad at me or at their father. I remember once my oldest had made him a fathers day card at school and couldn't wait to give it to him. This was after we'd split. My ex came over and spent some time with the kids then left, and my son found the card after he'd left. I still want to just cry to this day when I remember the expression of confusion and sadness on his little face when he realized his dad hadn't taken that card.

Anyway, we survived. It wasn't fun but I think my kids are well adjusted adults today. My daughter wouldn't even know her dad if she ran right into him on the street - she realized at a very young age he couldn't be trusted and just ignored him when he promised her things. She hasn't seen him in person since she was about 3. The middle son has always been a super sensitive and very loving guy, and he's kinda sad he doesn't have a relationship with his father but has a good one with my hubby now.


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