# Great marriage, wife loves sex. But I don't like her body.



## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

This is more of a vent, a blog type post, than a question. Because there is nothing I can do about it,

Been married for over 25 years. We care about each other, love each other. DW is a great wife, she will worry about me and I about her.
People always point to us as having a great marriage. We do. We like spending time together, going out etc. And now 3 outta 4 kids are out of the house. Almost empty nesters and we are enjoying it. 

Neither of us has ever cheated, I can guarantee this. Moreover, we have never even had other partners, we married young and both come from a religion that does not accept pre-marital sex. Also, she loves sex. DW is HD, I mean really HD. 

My problem (shared by many, this is nothing unique or special, except for me) is, that for years, decades even, I don't like her body. I avoid looking at her naked, and will always prefer the room pretty dark during sex. She is fat, not really obese, simply a very stocky woman. Her shoulders and arms are thicker than mine, and she has a large belly. I can't even be angry about that - she gave me 4 children, 2 of them over 10 lb(!). It was our babies that killed her body. And, she works out like 3x a week. For years. She tries. And I am very careful to only very rarely comment on this. I compliment her on her being healthy, on her motivation etc. I try to always compliment her on her looks when she dresses well etc. She always looks very presentable and I am never embarrassed to be with her.
I'll mention, that I am tall and very good looking, with an athletic build. Most people take 10 years off my age before they know me. 

Yet, the bottom line is that I very rarely_ look forward _to sex. Mostly I am really just doing it for her. I am even relieved when she gets her period and I "get a break'. To make it clear, I usually do orgasm - so I don't suffer, and once we start, I am game. But over the past year, the "usually" is getting less frequent. I blame it on tiredness. But I will still service her HD. Now, in all other aspects, our communication is good, but I simply can't tell her this. This will also break her heart, and she has enough pressure as it is (her job). 

What I DO do to "make it up to myself", is watch some porn. I would say a few times a week, secretly, and masturbate. She has no idea and would consider this cheating and would be very insulted. She would actually be horrified at the idea of me watching porn. I do feel some guilt about this, and it makes me feel bad. 
So, I am not LD in general, I am LD for my DW.

Another problem is that I work in a setting with a constant flow of younger people. Including some very attractive and "hot" females. With whom I need to intermittently work closely with for sometimes hours at a time. Every so often when I meet someone who I am very attracted to, I can't stop thinking about her.
So as not to lose my job, I am scrupulous in never making inappropriate comments or any "moves". I just keep it inside. And I do my darndest to keep my eyes up high.

I once considered looking for an affair, someone like me but the opposite. Meaning a good looking woman married to a non-attractive man, who is also not interested in a divorce. But I would not know how to find someone like this, and my wife will almost certainly catch me, and I would break her heart. My life is too structured to have the time and the opportunity to cheat. And mostly, I don't have the heart to do this to her, the idea is mostly a fantasy. Because I really do love her.

So, I am kinda locked in. Divorce would be silly, as I won't find a better wife. My kids, even my older married ones, would be devastated. And just for a better body, it does not seem worth it. Also, nearing 50, it's not as though there is a line of "hot" woman out there waiting for me. And even were I to find someone in her 30s willing to marry me, she would want children - I am done with that.

So on the one hand, I have a great life, a happy life.
I just wish I had someone I would love having sex with.

I am resigned to sacrificing this part of my life, for her.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far, I just needed to get this secret off my chest.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This just makes me want to to cry for your poor wife. You claim that you have felt this way for decades, yet you have only been married for 25 years, so presumably you felt this way when you married or shortly after.
You do realise that the porn and ogling other women will only make it far worse dont you? You comparing your poor wife to these other much younger often surgically enhanced women will only make this worse, so stop that. Its also cheating, especially if you are religious.
Honestly you dont deserve such a lovely wife who actually wants to have sex with you, works out and is a good wife and mum. She cannot help haing a stocky build, many people are stocky, its how they are and exercise wont chage that. 

Oh and BTW, you claiming that you are 'very good looking' and that people think you are '10 years younger than your age' is not only completely irrelevant but almost certainly just in your mind. So many very average looking men claim the same, they are mostly deluding themselves.

Sorry, I know you are being honest, but the porn etc will just feed this sad situation. I remember a man saying that once he stopped staring at other women and comparing his wife to them, his wife became much more attractive to him.
To be honest your wife deserves better than a husband who sees her this way and who constantly deceives her when he watches porn and lusts over other women. Not sure if you are a Christian or Jewish( I noticed the israeli flag), but if you are you KNOW these things are very wrong and forbidden.
Comparing our spouse to others in anyway is deadly for a marriage.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

If you are having some issues with attraction to your wife and you've been married for 25 years and you're dead set on not giving up the porn, the category you should be looking for is "mature bbw". You should also stop being a creepy old guy and checking out the young women. They probably don't appreciate it as much as you think they do.

Love the one you're with.

I don't have much really to add since the issue is so alien to my mindset. It would have never occurred to me to not find my wife attractive or to turn off the light when she was taking her clothes off. A willing wife would have me getting out towels during that time of the month to protect the sheets or approaching her in the shower.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

And at 50 some of the lack of orgasm can be attributed to age. But hey I'm sure it's your wife's fault that you are old, use porn and ogle younger women. If only she were a model or something. 

You say you don't want to divorce but you aren't being fair to your wife. She deserves someone who actually wants her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't have anything nice to say, so I'll not say it. I really want to though. I'm reigning it in.

I will express I feel badly for your wife, she has a husband who isn't into her sexually and looks at porn because he thinks he deserves it because he's stuck with such an unattractive woman. Yuck. She's living a lie and doesn't even know it and that's truly terrible.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sounds like this is your problem. I'm sorry for your W. You may want to step back and count the blessing your W has provided. How would you feel if your W felt that you are the best man out there with everything but your W HD is not being satisfied by an aging man who's erection may or may not appear. Your W thinking about younger men that can satisfy her HD. How is that working for you?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You made a mistake in marrying her, and perpetuated the mistake by staying. What is the right thing to do, even if it causes pain and hardship?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I can identify somewhat with OP. My wife has become fat (obese) and I also don't like looking at her naked. She tries to watch her diet and occasionally does exercise, but still.
And, I'm not a good nag. But there are mitigating factors that keep me attracted to her. she still has a beautiful face, and that is my number one thing. And her skin is creamy and beautiful.

So what? My philosophy is "suck it up buttercup!". She is my wife and I do love her, so I make sure we make love at least once a week. She is also HD.

You gotta take the good with the bad. You get married for life. See in her what is beautiful and look past the rest. That's all I can say.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

The porn will make it worse. Stop the porn and masterbation.
Is she doing cardio or something to build muscle on torso/belly. Lean muscle burns fat at higher rate that bulk muscle. 

I recommend the 6 week body makeover. You eat a bunch of food but it gives you crazy energy and drops weight. I was eating 5x a day. I was never so sick of food. It alao gives you body diagrams of yourself now and what you want to get to. It then gives you the exercises with resistance bands to reach the body you want. Those surgical bands will kick you butt.

I can just speak for myself. My wife when we married was smoking hot.. she was 5'04" brunette with blue eyes. When she was carrying my sons she got much larger. Belly wise...had alot of amniotic fluid...Dr thought baby was going to be 12-13 lbs. Im 6'05" 250lbs at the time.

I could not keep my hands off her! Of course we had to negotiate positions. But the emotional connection that i had to her knowing she was carrying my child was crazy strong. 

When i see the extra weight she has now and the stretch marks it brings me to the memory of why she is that way now. Still cant keep my hands off her. No she is not the size 1 she was when we met, but i am turned on by her sacrificing her body to carry my children. That reinforces my bond/attraction to her. 

Can you get into that mindset? Did you feel that way when she was carrying your children?


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## Buttugly (Apr 1, 2016)

ishtov said:


> This is more of a vent, a blog type post, than a question. Because there is nothing I can do about it,
> 
> Been married for over 25 years. We care about each other, love each other. DW is a great wife, she will worry about me and I about her.
> People always point to us as having a great marriage. We do. We like spending time together, going out etc. And now 3 outta 4 kids are out of the house. Almost empty nesters and we are enjoying it.
> ...


You feel how you feel and are honest with yourself. Cheating is not the answer you would lose self respect if you did cheat and potentially deeply hurt your wife if she were to find out not to mention possibly infecting your with wife a STD. Masturbation is helpful but don't get addicted to the porn. Things are how they are ,keep the lights off and make soul making love with her ,love her soul not her body . IFY I'm a in shape older woman ,my husband is not in shape...so I can relate a bit but I would never cheat . It is very hard for women over age 45 to keep the weight off ...perimenopausal weight gain is a real issue ,unless she had an exercise regimen her whole life menopausal weight gain will be worse for her . She birthed and raised 4 children and works ,not much time for fitness classes for her. Try taking her on easy hikes or walks, it would do you both good ...mentally and physically . Be thankful she loves sex many older women become unattractive , critical ,sexless harpies .Stop mooning over the 20- 30 yr olds they would love your wallet not you ,your wife loves you warts and all .Best to both of you . Remember she sacrifices for you too ,you just don't realize it ...don't let your little head tell you otherwise .


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

buttugly;

that's a good point. marital love making is not purely just about looks, but about just that: love making. it's not just fireworks and mind blowing sex; 
it's much more than that and should be seen as an emotional and physical union that we owe to each other. too much hollywood has given us a distorted view of marital sex.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, a lot of men in your position severely overestimate just how attractive they really are. I do not say to insult you...i say this because this mind set often causes one to apply unreasonable standards to their partner.

And the porn doesn't help. If you want to keep this marriage you have to get off the porn.....it's altering your brain chemistry and your wife can't compete with that.

I can almost guarantee that these hot young women don't think you're as great as you think you are.....they think you're an old dude who might "look good for his age".

Once you get off the porn and take a good hard look at yourself you might be more appreciative of your wife. 

And make no mistake.....there are plenty of men out there who would bang her silly. Be careful or she may find one.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Do you think you're masturbating because you're bored and looking for a way to kill the boredom, or because you're horny and are looking for novelty? I read somewhere that when we watch porn, our brains are unable to tell the difference between watching and having sex with the person on the screen. The reaction in the brain is the same as having a new sex partner, perhaps contributing to the Coolidge effect (in which long-term mates lose interest in each other but are interested when a novel sexual partner is available). So, your brain is looking for novelty and gets it from porn. Your wife doesn't really have any way of being novel to you, and therefore can't compete with the porn. It's not necessarily that she's overweight - it's that she's the same woman that you've been sleeping with for a very long time. These are two completely different issues.

You sound like you want to get the ship sailing right again. I think that anything that is not bringing you closer together has the potential at least to be taking you further apart. "Me time" may seem innocuous, but if it's like eating a snack and then not being hungry when it's time for dinner then it may be contributing to the problem. I'm a snacker. I snack on junk and then am not always interested in whatever's served for dinner. I sit at the table and eat a little, because I enjoy spending time with the wife and kids - but, the food isn't why I'm there. Then, about 10 o'clock I'm hungry again - but dinner isn't what I reach for. It's another snack, because those trigger the reward centers in my brain. Of course it's unhealthy. Of course I know the answer is not to snack. Yet, here I am overweight and paying the price.

You have the opportunity to fix the problem now. Another answer is to snack on healthy food. I'd suggest at least try cutting out the porn and masturbation and see if you're more interested in sex with her more often. Get in the mindset that she's your only sexual outlet, and put some effort into seducing her. It's possible that you can bring the novelty to the table by taking her out on dates (or at least an isolated walk in these COVID times).

Good luck and best to you both

A link explaining the Coolidge effect hypothesis: Relationships: The Coolidge Effect and seeking novelty | Reward Foundation


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> You made a mistake in marrying her, and perpetuated the mistake by staying. *What is the right thing to do, even if it causes pain and hardship?*


The right thing to do is for the OP to open his eyes and see exactly what he has in his wife, and put the time that he's investing in porn (yuck) into his wife and marriage.

Divorce over this is ridiculous. We've become immune to divorce but it's effects are devastating and lifelong.

I'm so heartbroken for your wife OP. You have a long marriage and family with your loving, devoted wife, who loves you and wants to have sex with you all the time. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Hiner112 said:


> It would have never occurred to me to not find my wife attractive or to turn off the light when she was taking her clothes off. A willing wife would have me getting out towels during that time of the month to protect the sheets or approaching her in the shower.


I was about to say that I’m a hot wife and a good one (I think, and my mother said I am so it must be true), and still got cheated on and he cheated down, so men just can’t be pleased!

And then I read this and awwww. My little hope flame is renewed. Best answer ever.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ishtov said:


> .....Been married for over 25 years. We care about each other, love each other. DW is a great wife, she will worry about me and I about her.
> People always point to us as having a great marriage. We do. We like spending time together, going out etc. And now 3 outta 4 kids are out of the house. Almost empty nesters and we are enjoying it.
> 
> Neither of us has ever cheated, I can guarantee this. Moreover, we have never even had other partners, we married young and both come from a religion that does not accept pre-marital sex. Also, she loves sex. DW is HD, I mean really HD.
> ...


A few thoughts. Fist as you are well aware cheating will not improve the situation.
As you also know you really want to remain married to this woman, sort of.

From my perspective the problem is yours more than it is hers. Don't expect to change her, change yourself is my advice.

I would first count your blessings. Being married to an HD woman is a blessing. Being married to a woman you respect, who you love and built a life together is special.

So why don't you start by forgiving her for being overweight. I mean really forgive her. Figure out what that bothers you so much. Take a look at historic paintings by Peter Paul Rubens. Rrubenesque women were very full bodied women. Watch Sir Mix A Lot's Baby Got Back video. The current fashion model level of skinny women shown in advertising is not how most real women look. In the USA over 2/3rds of the adult population is either overweight or obese. Actually the numbers run about 40% obese. You need to change your image of what beauty looks like.

Work on making yourself feel that your wife is an attractive woman. Affirmations and self hypnosis are ways to work on changing your views. Tell yourself how beautiful she is, how lucky you are to have a loving HD woman like her, how she has always been the best sex of your life. If you masturbate think about your wife and how much you love and need her emotionally when you do it. Make it about the two of you. Then bring her into the picture. 

If you just can't get past the size of her arms or stomach, then find other features you just absolutely love about her and enjoy looking at. Maybe it is her eyes, her hair, her lips, her breasts, her pubic hair, feet.......just find something that you enjoy to look at and think about. Focus on that instead of her body parts you don't like. 

My other advice is that since you are almost an empty nester, talk to her and tell her how much you love her and how when your last child leaves the nest there will be lots of change in both your lives. Tell her you are scared of that change and want to go to marriage counseling because you don't want that change to disrupt your marriage to her. Refer to it as a marriage tune-up prior to a new adventurous trip of change and growth.

Since you and your wife have been married a long time, you probably know each other very well. You can probably finish each others sentences. You and she probably know from facial expressions, tone of voice, body language what each other thinks, even if it is not said. She probably knows you don't find her attractive and that probably eats at her soul in ways you can not imagine. That is why you really need to work on changing yourself and your view of her and exploring a new definition of "beauty." 

Your glass is more than half full, enjoy it.

Good luck.

.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Were you attracted to her physically when you started dating? I couldn't date someone I'm not physically attracted to...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> A few thoughts. Fist as you are well aware cheating will not improve the situation.
> As you also know you really want to remain married to this woman, sort of.
> 
> From my perspective the problem is yours more than it is hers. Don't expect to change her, change yourself is my advice.
> ...


His glass is 99% full. yet he only sees the 1%, how sad.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

How hypocritical that you say you love her - then in the next paragraph you heavily criticize her. That’s not loving. Neither is the porn - especially since it’s against what you both believe in.

So really, it’s you who is totally betraying your wife and the marriage.

get some help to find a better mindset about your wife and the porn. This is on you - not your wife.

the porn will kill your sex drive for your wife - but you already knew that.

makes me really wonder if you want porn over your wife to punish her? That’s what it seems like.

is your wife controlling?

I also agree, most men your age think they are very attractive - yet they aren’t at all.
Attractive is a person who is genuine and authentic - and that’s not you because you aren’t living an honest life. You’re deceiving your wife in more than one area of your marriage. Work on yourself. Get professional help if needed. You say you can’t do anything about it - yes, you can. Change your attitude and quit the porn and lies.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

ishtov said:


> Also, she loves sex. DW is HD, I mean really HD.


From what I'm reading, for whatever reason, you are not properly taking care of your wife. Face it my man, its a failure on your part and its not likely to get any better. Have you ever thought about, or talked to her about having another male provide her with the sex she desires but you're no longer able to provide. There are any number of men that desire full figured women so finding a suitable male would not be difficult. I don't know what type financial position you're in but a male escort would be ideal. It would avoid amateurs who would likely disappoint her ,almost any possibility to things going beyond your intent of only providing her with sex, and accordingly be a lot cleaner approach. You want her first to be a wonderful experience for you and her. I don't know how unattracted you are to her, but you could even hold her while she's being satisfied. I've had men tell me, many many moons ago mind you, there is no porn that even comes close to watching your own lady. It's something you need to consider and may work it so you can do a little exploring with her permission. If you two love each other as much as you elude, it can be a very positive thing for your relationship and rewarding for both of you. If she means as much to you as you claim, she deserves an alternative for her sexual desires that you're unable to fulfill. Try talking to her about it and see what she thinks. Tell her it always been a fantasy to watch her experience sex with another guy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is probably one of the most double-standardish and subtly insulting (to the OP) threads I have seen in a long time. 

If some woman had wrote in here that her husband of 25 years had gotten fat and was wanting sex regularly and that she had lost attraction to him but was just putting out every week or so to keep him around and that she was not orgasming all the time, people would be advising her to kick his horny, fat-arsed self to the curb and find herself a fit stud that could show her what a real man can do.

And if she were to mention that she was still fit and attractive and looked 10 years younger, would a single person here be telling her - "oh but you aren't actually attractive, you just think you are. no thinner man would actually be attracted to you. Married women just think they are attractive,,,, but they really aren't." Would a single person have said that or would people be saying - "you go Girl! You can do better!" 

And if this women had mentioned that she was around younger and more fit and attractive men but clearly stated that she was NOT hitting on them or leering at them or making any advances towards them - would people still be accusing her of being a letcherous, creepy old woman trolling innocent young men that would in reality be repulsed by her? 

If she would have said that she had thought about cheating but had not done a single thing to actually try to cheat and she openly admitted that she wouldn't even know how to cheat and that she recognized that she likely would not be able to find a better man at her age and station in life, would people be treating her as if she already was the cheatingest ***** in town?

And if she admitted that she had some sex toys and enjoyed some erotica and masturbated on the down low - would people be treating her like some trench coat wearing, pervert in a cargo van by the playground and telling her to stop masturbating and start banging her fat husband better and use that energy to better serve her husband even though she was repulsed by him?

Would people be telling her that the reason she wasn't attracted to her fat, horny husband was because she wasn't meeting his needs and pleasing him well enough and that she should hire a young, hot prostitute to bang him properly?? And not only that but that she should WATCH said prostitute bang the husband and tell him that it turns her on to watch??? That is exactly what post #20 is saying to do.

I realize there are many double standards in the world and that life isn't often fair and that we all view gender issues differently. I have no doubt I have been guilty of this myself at times. 

But, WOW!

For some reason this OP has really hit a nerve and really triggered some folks.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> From what I'm reading, for whatever reason, you are not properly taking care of your wife. Face it my man, its a failure on your part and its not likely to get any better. Have you ever thought about, or talked to her about having another male provide her with the sex she desires but you're no longer able to provide. There are any number of men that desire full figured women so finding a suitable male would not be difficult. I don't know what type financial position you're in but a male escort would be ideal. It would avoid amateurs who would likely disappoint her ,almost any possibility to things going beyond your intent of only providing her with sex, and accordingly be a lot cleaner approach. You want her first to be a wonderful experience for you and her. I don't know how unattracted you are to her, but you could even hold her while she's being satisfied. I've had men tell me, many many moons ago mind you, there is no porn that even comes close to watching your own lady. It's something you need to consider and may work it so you can do a little exploring with her permission. If you two love each other as much as you elude, it can be a very positive thing for your relationship and rewarding for both of you. If she means as much to you as you claim, she deserves an alternative for her sexual desires that you're unable to fulfill. Try talking to her about it and see what she thinks. Tell her it always been a fantasy to watch her experience sex with another guy.


Can somebody please search the archives of TAM and find a thread where the following dialog takes place -

Female OP - "My husband has gotten fat and I am no longer attracted to him and his body turns me off so much I can't even look at him naked. He is still horny and wants to have sex regularly and I try to take care of him every week or so but I have to have the lights off and I don't always orgasm. I often have to take care of myself because he doesn't do it for me and I don't find him attractive. "

TAM Poster - "Listen Honey, your problem here is you are dropping the ball and aren't taking care of him properly. You are a failure as a wife and a lover. You aren't good enough for him so this is what you need to do. Tell him that you will get turned on watching a younger, prettier woman bang him properly. You won't want just any gal that may not do it right, so hire a professional prostitute that will give him the proper banging that he deserves. You sit and watch and even hold his hand. It will be a wonderful experience for the both of you and you may even learn a thing or two on how to properly please him."

I encourage all of you to look through the archives of TAM and see if there is one, single example of someone encouraging a wife who is no longer sexually attracted to her fat husband to hire a prostitute and hold his hand while the prostitute gives him a proper banging.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This is probably one of the most double-standardish and subtly insulting (to the OP) threads I have seen in a long time.
> 
> If some woman had wrote in here that her husband of 25 years had gotten fat and was wanting sex regularly and that she had lost attraction to him but was just putting out every week or so to keep him around and that she was not orgasming all the time, people would be advising her to kick his horny, fat-arsed self to the curb and find herself a fit stud that could show her what a real man can do.
> 
> ...


You are very wrong.
Speaking just for myself, my advise would be the same whatever the sex. After all, we all get older, some put on weight, go bald, go grey, get wrinkles etc, thats life. People who are married for decades will all have that happen. 
So if a woman came here and said she had a great marriage to a great man who loved her and wanted to have sex with her but he was going bald so she no longer fancied him, 
my advise would be the same. If she was also looking at younger more good looking men on porn and fancying some young men at work, I would say the same, be thankful for the many good things you have and count your blessings. Also stop the porn and comparing him to younger men. 

As for the idea that some men describe themselves as very good looking and look younger than they actually are, in my case its from experience of men saying things like that when they are actually just pretty ordinary and pretty average. In general men see themselves as better looking than they are and women play down their looks and are more critical of them.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

Perhaps you're expectations are warped brother. In this video saturated world with skinny, big boobed, pretty, women in front of our eyes constantly I'd say turn your eyes away from all that. Just turn it off! If you're masturbating to any images you're just training your body to it too- so don't do that.

Your wife is a real woman who loves you and I'd say fix your gaze on her again for the first time. Touch her skin and think about the sensation. Smell her head to toe and just breathe her in. Literally, let your senses experience her in a full and new way. I'd expect your wife is physically beautiful in her own way and you just don't see it. 100 years ago being overweight was desirable and a sign of wealth. Sounds like you really like her personality. I've got to say the heavier girls always have better skin as they age too. Personally, I like my wife heavier than when she's lost weight and been too skinny. I love the curves and when I look at my wife's skin-flabby belly I'm turned on because I think "I did that" and "she did that for me". Her stretched skin and scars were for _me_- to bear my children. She's given all of herself to me- and I gladly accept it, relish it, and frankly just make love to every inch of her- every chance I get. She's pretty perfect to me but of course isn't competing with young porn bimbos either. Maybe this would be a different story if she were.

You say you turn to porn because your wife "ain't all that" but maybe man you should look at yourself. Maybe you turned to the porn because you "ain't all that". Just sayin' that maybe you're warped and she's perfect.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

dude, take her to a lingerie store, and encourage her to try on things that turn you on.
it actually works. 
kinky sex works too...maybe she might be into some BDSM, or other kinky sex? The body beauty takes a back seat in such things, as her kinkiness and erotic desires are much more important.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> You are very wrong.
> Speaking just for myself, my advise would be the same whatever the sex. After all, we all get older, some put on weight, go bald, go grey, get wrinkles etc, thats life. People who are married for decades will all have that happen.
> So if a woman came here and said she had a great marriage to a great man who loved her and wanted to have sex with her but he was going bald so she no longer fancied him,
> my advise would be the same. If she was also looking at younger more good looking men on porn and fancying some young men at work, I would say the same, be thankful for the many good things you have and count your blessings. Also stop the porn and comparing him to younger men.
> ...


Would you tell a middle aged women sight unseen that she really isn’t good looking if she were to describe herself as fit and attractive and appeared younger than her age?

Would you tell a woman she would not be able to find someone else if she were to leave her husband?

Would you tell a woman not to masturbate if her husband wasn’t able to satisfy her?

And I’m not even going to ask you if you would encourage her to use her own money to obtain a sex worker for him and to watch him with her because even though we are internet strangers, I do know you well enough to know that idea would never even enter your mind. 

And middle aged men that are tall, not fat, take care of themselves, gainfully employed, have domestic and social skills, and are not disfigured or disabled, get younger women all the time. Even if they are catagorically average and ordinary. 

Now I am not saying that your or other poster’s advice is wrong (well maybe the prostitution part). I would agree that his first step should be recognizing and appreciating what he has and working within the marriage to see if he can find a greater satisfaction and appreciation. 

I agree that most men over estimate their attractiveness and their ability to score young, hot chicks. 

But my point here is no one would attack a woman in a similar situation and respond to her with the same harshness and almost open hostility. 

Something within this thread and about this OP has hit a nerve and triggered people causing them to respond in a manner they would never treat a woman in a similar situation. 

I’m not saying that people’s recommendations are necessarily wrong. I’m saying there is a big difference in the anger and hostility they are responding to a male than they would a female in a similar circumstance.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I encourage all of you to look through the archives of TAM and see if there is one, single example of someone encouraging a wife who is no longer sexually attracted to her fat husband to hire a prostitute and hold his hand while the prostitute gives him a proper banging.


Oldshirt, its an option. If a woman was pleased with her husband and life style but for her lack of attraction to him, she has three options. 1. mercy sex with him. 2. No sex with him. 3. Find a substitute. In any case, she's the one that always goes unfulfilled. Over the intermediate and longer term, the mercy sex option is likely the more damaging. She will come to resent and even hate him albeit she may hang on to the marriage. The more revolting he is, the quicker that will happen. 
She can easily keep her friendship with him with the no sex option although t the opposite may happen. However, it will generally take men longer to reach that point and many live out their lives relying on widow thumb and her four daughters. She perhaps could do the same relying on the EverReady bunny. Lacking the sexual component, she would likely lose all interest in him, ditch him or be relieved when he finally kicks the bucket.
Under the third option, he would probably be happy since he still has her companionship, and a substitute with the same equipment as his wife. ( May as well face it. A guy with "sister wives" probably is not hurt nearly as much if one wife loses interest and rejects him. ) She, on the other hand, can find a FWB that will satisfy her needs. At worse, its making the best of a bad situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Would you tell a middle aged women sight unseen that she really isn’t good looking if she were to describe herself as fit and attractive and appeared younger than her age?
> 
> Would you tell a woman she would not be able to find someone else if she were to leave her husband?
> 
> ...


I would definitely tell a women not to watch porn yes, especially if her partner was more than willing to have sex. I would say that some people do over estimate their attractiveness, but in my experience its more men who do that anyway. The point I was making is that his attractiveness isnt even relevant. I never said he wouldnt find anyone else, but not a 25 year old and probably someone not nearly as lovely as he describes his wife. Sorry but men in their 50's dont usually get 25-30 year old women after them unless they are rich and/or famous. Most women dont need another dad. 

Sorry but he has so much to be thankful for yet he is making the situation worse by his actions. Comparing our spouse to others is deadly for a marriage.He is in a hole and all he is doing by his actions and thoughts is digging it deeper.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> Oldshirt, its an option. If a woman was pleased with her husband and life style but for her lack of attraction to him, she has three options. 1. mercy sex with him. 2. No sex with him. 3. Find a substitute. In any case, she's the one that always goes unfulfilled. Over the intermediate and longer term, the mercy sex option is likely the more damaging. She will come to resent and even hate him albeit she may hang on to the marriage. The more revolting he is, the quicker that will happen.
> She can easily keep her friendship with him with the no sex option although t the opposite may happen. However, it will generally take men longer to reach that point and many live out their lives relying on widow thumb and her four daughters. She perhaps could do the same relying on the EverReady bunny. Lacking the sexual component, she would likely lose all interest in him, ditch him or be relieved when he finally kicks the bucket.
> Under the third option, he would probably be happy since he still has her companionship, and a substitute with the same equipment as his wife. ( May as well face it. A guy with "sister wives" probably is not hurt nearly as much if one wife loses interest and rejects him. ) She, on the other hand, can find a FWB that will satisfy her needs. At worse, its making the best of a bad situation.


My point was the condescension and thinly veiled (very thinly veiled) hostility shown to the OP. 

Would you really tell a middle aged woman that the reason she didn't find her fat, horny husband attractive was her fault, that she was a "failure" and that she should hire him a prostitute and watch??? 

Would you openly try to humiliate and insult a woman and show your disdain so openly to a woman who didn't find her fat husband sexually appealing??

I'm not even saying your 3 options are necessarily wrong and I myself recognize that some form of negotiated open relationship could be an option up for discussion. 

But would you ever speak to a female OP in a similar situation with that tone?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> From what I'm reading, for whatever reason, you are not properly taking care of your wife. Face it my man, its a failure on your part and its not likely to get any better. Have you ever thought about, or talked to her about having another male provide her with the sex she desires but you're no longer able to provide. There are any number of men that desire full figured women so finding a suitable male would not be difficult. I don't know what type financial position you're in but a male escort would be ideal. It would avoid amateurs who would likely disappoint her ,almost any possibility to things going beyond your intent of only providing her with sex, and accordingly be a lot cleaner approach. You want her first to be a wonderful experience for you and her. I don't know how unattracted you are to her, but you could even hold her while she's being satisfied. I've had men tell me, many many moons ago mind you, there is no porn that even comes close to watching your own lady. It's something you need to consider and may work it so you can do a little exploring with her permission. If you two love each other as much as you elude, it can be a very positive thing for your relationship and rewarding for both of you. If she means as much to you as you claim, she deserves an alternative for her sexual desires that you're unable to fulfill. Try talking to her about it and see what she thinks. Tell her it always been a fantasy to watch her experience sex with another guy.


Wow, I am naive. I thought Vlad was just trying to 'stir the pot' and give y'all/us something to discuss--mad at us because he has to take a hearing test!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, as for porn, chicken and the egg. Porn will make you compare your spouse to other artificially altered women who perform only because they're paid or forced to do so. As for the young ones at work, they are dating guys their own age. It's normal to think someone is cute or whatever, but you need to try to stop dwelling on it and back off of porn because it will keep reminding you how not perfect your wife's body is. 

Now, that said, I don't think you HAVE to service her if she is wanting it constantly. I mean, maybe SHE is who needs to watch porn and masturbate, and you need to save it for her but do it less often.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> My point was the condescension and thinly veiled (very thinly veiled) hostility shown to the OP.
> 
> Would you really tell a middle aged woman that the reason she didn't find her fat, horny husband attractive was her fault, that she was a "failure" and that she should hire him a prostitute and watch???
> 
> ...


Here is the thing though. OP says she isn't obese, she is stocky. His words. And that she goes to the gym 3x a week. Also that he hasn't found her attractive for DECADES he says. Geez!! And that he uses porn to treat himself to make up for that fact that he's stuck with a stocky wife. I think that's what's rubbing people the wrong way about the situation.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

As a twice divorced woman....I want to see your post as amusing but it's sad and misguided.

You say you know what you have....but you don't. 

You think you're "worth more" or missing out on something. You're not. Trust me on that.

You have four children....how would they feel if your marriage dissolved over your mid-life crisis of feeling too hot for your wife? You do realize, that's what this could be? Your own insecurities...but you're making it about your loving wife instead of seeking the truth of what is wrong inside of you. 

Your "blog" makes you sound somewhat desperate to me. You haven't settled. You have succeeded in what a alot of people haven't been able to achieve. 

Your arrogance (or desperate insecurity) is YOUR weakness. Don't fall victim to it. You claim to be religious. I think you need to pray to whomever you worship to guide you through this time in your life....or it could change your life and not for the better.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> Wow, I am naive. I thought Vlad was just trying to 'stir the pot' and give y'all/us something to discuss--mad at us because he has to take a hearing test!


Vlad doesn't think you know Vlad's history before he met the fiery redhead and retired.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I think the OP would get better mileage out of his marriage if he considered taking over the cooking and only make meals that are healthy and lower in calories. Exercise helps to burn some calories and tone, but diet will get the pounds off quicker. Take up walking with wife after dinner to burn some calories.

The great thing about TAM, is that various opinions are expected and are useful to the OP. They can sort through what they consider to be helpful and dismiss those they don't find helpful.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Personally I think ole Ishtov's wife is a mature, curvy, easy lovin (a relative wrote that song) woman who just melts in his hands and would satisfy the cravings of most men. Ishtov is simply going through a mid-life crisis and I suspect he's uneasy other elements of his life as well. By his own admission, Ishtov's never experienced "being with" other women so there's a tendency to wonder what other women would be like and a strong desire to find out. He feels the pressure that time is running out for him to snag one of them there porn star worthy chicks.
At this point, Ishtov already has the pressure and motivation. Its tough for me to know if he started this thread seeking advice on cooling his jets or seeking justification to do Ms Bambie Centerfold.


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

Wow.

I did not think I would get so many replies. Some were unhelpfully hurtful, some accused me of lying (I won't argue facts- there is indeed a large asymmetry between myself - I AM very good looking, in shape, man - no underestimation), but some of the replies certainly made me wake up a bit and consider. So thank you for taking the time to reply, because, for the first time in my life, I have a mirror held up to my face. Until now, it's always only been my own thoughts and, if I am honest with myself, excuses. I did a lot of thinking past 48 hours. So:

A few things to clarify:
1. Yes, this feeling of mine has indeed been since our second child, so over 20 years ago. Not a midlife crisis, rather a low-grade constant crisis. Otherwise, my life is a good one, and I/we am/are fortunate in health, good jobs (mid-middle class, yet steady). I had when one might call a small midlife crisis during my early 40s,, but some money was thrown at it and all is good. 

2. DW and I _had _discussed this (the "Issue") years ago, and we did go through some tougher times where we were a bit distant and this affected us. But once I realized not much will change and made a decision this is something I will need to live with, I accepted it. I rarely talk about it with her anymore as There is nothing to gain.

3. Seems to me, that some posters think that sex is so important that divorce should be considered when one side is unhappy, and DW "deserves someone who wants her". I agree in theory, however, life is large, and there are many satisfying things in life. Companionship, caring, enjoyment of spending time together, raising great kids, mutual support, loyalty, love. These, we have in spades, thus divorce is simply not an option, not something I/we want. One can be in love, but not necessarily in lust. While *this *might be considered disloyal, I have always seen it as a small price to pay, especially considering that I have never, and don't intend to, take external action and cheat. (In spite of some fantasies.). Yes, I do see this as a certain sacrifice. You can poo-poo this, but feelings are feelings. 

4. Over the years, as one poster advised, I have tried to focus on what I DO like about her physically. It has helped. But I still have this slightly disgusting feeling when I _*see *_her undressed. Thus I try to avoid it. What am I supposed to do - I can't help my feelings.

5. Over time, there have been periods when I watched no porn at all. But then something triggers, and back to it, I go. I know porn can be destructive, thus I try very much to put it in it's place. 

6. Glass full /empty. I think I DO see the almost full glass, and thus, overall, I *am *happy. Yet, I think that I am allowed to also think of myself, and not only as "us" as a "couple". But this issue is, in spite of #3, something that bothers me.

7. When I married her, she was of course thinner. I knew in the back of my mind, that she was not my "ideal", (sorry ladies, 94.7% of men want some unachievable ideal in women (add here the funny meme about statistics)). But I loved her and we had a lot in common. Over time and kids, like most, you know, she changed. But then I also noticed that, if I were to plot a graph and compare her, (and cmon people, people compare everything, all the time, automatically), to her peers (age, kids etc), she is closer to the left side outliers, than even the center. Sounds horrible to do this, now that I write this, but it's automatic - I have eyes. To be clear, this is not comparing to 20-30 yo's, or the women you see in porn. Just normal people. And yes, again, this bothers me.

8. Do you know that silly thing about "half age +7"? so in my case, this is more or less true. I don't ogle 20-year-old girls- I see them as I see a child, heck my oldest is in her mid 20s. But I can't help being attracted to "hot" 30-year-olds. Remember what Hannibal Lecter said? "We begin by coveting what we see every day ". (Thus the 10th commandment. God, or whoever wrote it (not getting into theology here), was pretty smart.)

9. My wife's HD is very well taken care of. I am actually a very good husband, in spite of my inner thoughts and what some post here. 

10. I did not mention in my OP, that I was informed later in life of some non-vanilla tendencies. As I said, DW was my first and only, so I have no real-world experience, only ideas and fantasies. We are all informed by the things we see or read, yet I was more insulated as a teenager (Ken Follet was a spicey as I had) and it took some time to discover. FetLife showed me that there are real-life people who enjoy alternate lifestyles, and this part is not so much from porn. I don't visit there often because of the jealously it raises in me. 
However, my DW is 100% vanilla. Yes, we discussed these things too. Zero interest. Oral and PIV, that's about it. (Me on her. She is game for doing bjs, but it does not work for me. I never got what guys see in it. Maybe it's technique? Does not matter, bottom line, nada). She offered to try some stuff, but to me, unless she wants it too, it makes it seem ridiculous. So here too, I see this as a sacrifice, something I will not be able to enjoy in this life. Sure, it's a choice, we all have choices, but it's not really - I don't *truly *have a choice. When balancing some extra pleasure vs. Life, Life wins. But, this is another reason I turn to some porn.

11. I think Vlad's comment is valid. The answer is, I think I was wanting some cooling. Some perspective. How stupid _am _I being. Is my experience common. 


*I think I take home from all of this, that I will try to stop, or at least put some breaks on, porn, and again concentrate on what I do like about her. That what I am doing can be harmful in spite of my own thinking I am so strong. I guess I needed to hear these comments. Cheers. (Again sorry for the length, but this has long been bottled up inside).*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Stop doing anything that makes you discontent with your wife, whether thet be porn or lusting after a 30 year old(and how is that any different from someone of 25, they are still young enough to be your daughter). Stop comparing her to her friends.

Think about how you would feel if she was looking at porn of younger men, wanting you to be more like them, have a larger penis, comparing you to men who earn more, who have bigger houses, better careers etc. Really put yourself in that position and think how it makes you feel. Disrespected and coming up wanting.

As for how 'very good looking' you are, we cant say, but men generally do think they look better and younger that they actually are. Remember also that what is good looking to one woman isnt to another. Also wishful thinking in many cases, and as I said its totally irrevelant to this and I am not sure why you thought it was relevant in anyway? Except to imply that you are far better looking than your wife and that women 20 years younger than you would be falling over themsleves for you.Wrong.

Oh and are you practising Jewish?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She offered to try some stuff, but to me, unless she wants it too, it makes it seem ridiculous. 

If she has not done those things, she may not know if she likes it or not. She may be totally down with it, but you are dismissing it before it is tried. "She wouldn't like that anyway" 

Something you are dismissing may drive her wild, but she needs a willing partner to find out. To me that would be an awesome feeling to be her first and create a sexual memory that she only has with you, that is not shared with another man.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

@ishtov The detail and vehemence of the reaction you got was very predictable. It touched a nerve for so many in the problems they've had in their relationships or marriages.

Women that have been replaced by porn or been betrayed by their husbands.
Men who have gone through a dead bedroom.
Husbands or wives who didn't have as good of a relationship out of the bedroom.
Anyone who was dumped by their spouse or SO when there is a lot going for the relationship as a whole.
People who had put in effort to be a good spouse and fix any problems, which you admit your wife is, and it wasn't enough.

A lot of people looked at your description of your relationship and thought, "man, that would have been nice" and then got to the description of how dissatisfied you were and the cognitive dissonance hit pretty hard. My initial reaction was something like:


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> Something you are dismissing may drive her wild, but she needs a willing partner to find out.


Hmm. I did not consider that she might find she likes it after all.


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Stop doing anything that makes you discontent with your wife, whether thet be porn or lusting after a 30 year old(and how is that any different from someone of 25, they are still young enough to be your daughter). Stop comparing her to her friends.


I don't on purpose. Just happens.



Diana7 said:


> Think about how you would feel if she was looking at porn of younger men, wanting you to be more like them, have a larger penis, comparing you to men who earn more, who have bigger houses, better careers etc. Really put yourself in that position and think how it makes you feel. Disrespected and coming up wanting.


pretty crappy, of course. But like I said, and this is why the below is relevant, she has no reason to look elsewhere.



Diana7 said:


> As for how 'very good looking' you are, we cant say, but men generally do think they look better and younger that they actually are.


See above.
I know this sounds boastful, and that is not my intention, but objectively, this is true. There are few men my age who can compete with my looks. Of course, male models and he-men will take me by a mile, but I stand high among regular joes.
Not that this is a reason in any way that she would not cheat on me, she would never do that because she loves me and we have a very good relationship and she is a good person who would not cheat or look at other guys regardless of her husbands looks. But it IS a reason why there is no symmetry, and no feeling of "what would you feel if she looks at porn or other guys" - it would not occur to her, nor would she need to. Thus it's relevant to this discussion.

In other words, would it bother me as much, were our looks more symmetrical?



Diana7 said:


> Oh and are you practising Jewish?


that, is an excellent question. more for a private discussion.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ishtov said:


> Wow.
> 
> I did not think I would get so many replies. Some were unhelpfully hurtful, some accused me of lying (I won't argue facts- there is indeed a large asymmetry between myself - I AM very good looking, in shape, man - no underestimation), but some of the replies certainly made me wake up a bit and consider. So thank you for taking the time to reply, because, for the first time in my life, I have a mirror held up to my face. Until now, it's always only been my own thoughts and, if I am honest with myself, excuses. I did a lot of thinking past 48 hours. So:
> 
> ...


I get what you are saying about the rest of the marriage being quite wonderful. But I just can't get past you saying you have a slightly disgusted feeling when you see her undressed. I think if you took a poll, many many women would decide to terminate a marriage to a man who felt disgust at their naked body (and had for decades and were never really happy with it even at the beginning of the marriage while thinner), no mattet how good the rest of the marriage was

It sounds like she isn't obese, but has a stocky body type and is carrying weight. She goes to the gym 3x a week you said, it's not like she didn't work on her body.

Your wife is living a lie because she is unaware of the disgust you feel about her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ishtov said:


> I don't on purpose. Just happens.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You do realise that people with very good looking spouses still look at porn and leave their spouses. Look at the many good looking couples in Hollywood, always having affairs and breaking up. The fact that you may or may not be good looking is irrelevant to that. For women especially how their spouse looks is only part of their attraction. There is SO much more to it than that. Arrogance is something that does put many women off. Sorry but you come across as very arrogant and your looks dont matter if she doeant feel loved or accepted.
Someone who doesnt feel accepted by their spouse is not happy, and she will know to some extent how you feel. The fact that you are lying to her constantly by looking at porn and lusting after young women doeant make you at all attractive either. Where is your integrity? 

It sounds as if you have a treasure, just stop this awful comparison. You are making this worse by your attitide and actions. You are very blessed to have her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Been giving this more thought. You seem to be saying that because your wife in her 50's isnt the size and shape of your 'ideal woman' you are within your rights to look at such women on porn and at work. She on the other hand has such a good looking husband that she would never need to do those things. How can you not see how arrogant that sounds? How wrong that is? How deluded that is?
I once heard a pastor saying that our wives must be our standard of beauty. I thought that was amazing. Once you change you mind set and stop the things you are doing you will see your wife differently. Keep your eyes and your thoughts off other women and place them on your wife.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm thinking it takes a good bit of acting/effort to be the kind of husband you want to be for your wife. Women often sense the effort involved. All humans want to be appealing to their SO. What happens when one is physically marred by accident, time, illness, etc.?

Glad you wanted to release some of your frustration/desires. Having no comparison negates the real knowing what might be different--or not. Would something like a mommy makeover like many women have make any difference?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I've been to the middle east and I think women, young and old are gorgeous over there! Men, on the other hand, not so much unless they are from Lebanon.

When you say you consider yourself very attractive I kinda have my doubts about it because men over there have their egos inflated as well. Your culture is very controlling and very patriarchal. 

I understand we feel attracted to certain people. I understand you don't feel physically attracted to your wife. That's the issue you have and that's your problem, not your wife's. She really doesn't have to do anything because I suspect she still finds you attractive. 

Even if your wife had a tummy tuck (I know plastic surgery is very common in the middle east) won't be enough for you to find your wife attractive again, because you said you weren't crazy about her in the beginning, so this issue is not new, it just got worse over the years.

It's your choice to stay or divorce but I have the feeling things are not going to improve for you in your marriage because you chose to marry someone who wasn't your "ideal" that was a big mistake and now you feel stuck. 

Make sure your kids don't make the same mistake you made and tell them to fall crazy in love with their partners before getting married. 

I'm feel sorry for you and your wife. I just can't imagine being in your wife's shoes. It's sad.


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

pastasauce79 said:


> I've been to the middle east and I think women, young and old are gorgeous over there! Men, on the other hand, not so much unless they are from Lebanon.
> SNIP


This is stupid, I am what I am, I have no reason to lie.


*I don't understand why people are so against me.*
I understand the part about porn, OK, I get it that. I will certainly try to stop that, at least slow it down, and try to stop comparing. I'll admit I took that for granted that it's OK as long as she does not know, but y'all certainly put a mirror in front of me and I will do my best to put that out of my mind and concentrate on what I do find pleasing about her. I know that is not simple, yet luckily I am not _addicted _to porn (as addiction is defined) and I am busy enough that I can put effort into alternative actions. For this, I do thank this community.

Otherwise, yes, there is a certain amount of acting in my life. But don't we all act in parts of our lives? Do we not act civil to bosses we hate? Don't we make compromises to our mates in a myriad of things? Do we all truly "practice what we preach" to our kids, all the time? Don't we act towards our friends and neighbors in certain things? Put on certain facades in various situations?
Of course we do, and I think there is a modicum of insincerity or hypocrisy in some of the reactions. No need to feel sorry for us, my DW is happy, I am a very good husband in all other aspects of our lives, and even sexually she is more than satisfied. I am usually satisfied too. What does it matter if internally I cringe, or have some bad feelings? That is my problem, not my wife's. Why should I break her heart by telling her? What is to be gained by any type of separation?

And except for this, our marriage is blessed. Like I already mentioned above, life has many facets, and in all other ways, I am there for her, support her, help her, care about her. These are all mutual. I feel that as long as she never knows of my physical issues with her, how does that affect our lives? There is nothing to improve in our marriage because all is good. And not only on the surface. Only only in this thing, this one thing that only to ME is a problem, one that I will never let her know, I suffer. (Suffer might be a too strong word, I lack a lesser one.)

I am willing to sacrifice a possibly more fulfilling sex life for myself, (and, I am aware that in truth, the grass is not truly greener anywhere else, anyway) for the current life I have. As some have said or hinted here, in spite of the good looks that I claim, I _am _nearing 50, and who wants a 50-year-old anyway. So, I bury those specific feelings deep and live with them. Unburdening them here for the first time ever has given me some perspective.

Why does it bother some so much?


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

ishtov said:


> This is stupid, I am what I am, I have no reason to lie.
> 
> 
> *I don't understand why people are so against me.*
> ...


i dont critisize you at all, i actually feel sorry for you, it must be so hard to have sex with soemone that you dont find sexually attractive


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ishtov said:


> This is stupid, I am what I am, I have no reason to lie.
> 
> 
> *I don't understand why people are so against me.*
> ...


Most women would know already that their husband doesnt like their body. .


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ishtov said:


> I don't understand why people are so against me.


Maybe because you are forcing your wife to live a lie. At some point in the next few years, you will most likely start to have issues with your 'equipment' working. Even if you considered your wife to be drop-dead gorgeous, you would still encounter problems. Since you are basically turned off by your wife, your problems will be exacerbated. Maybe you'll be pleased to no longer have to fulfill your duty. Where will that leave your wife?

How about you have a gentle conversation with her and explain that you are finding her less attractive and let her decide if she wants to work on it. For the benefit of both of you. Call it a preventive measure.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ishtov said:


> *I don't understand why people are so against me.*
> 
> 
> Why does it bother some so much?


As I said in my earlier posts, your post has hit a nerve and triggered a variety people. 

Most of the regular posters here are in the 40s and above and many have either been cheated on or their partners have lost romantic/sexual interest in them and haven’t had an active and satisfying sex life in a long time. 

A number of people here have had partners that have either met someone else and packed up and left or have simply lost attraction to them and checked out. 

One of a middle aged woman’s fears is her partner losing interest in her due to weight gain and stretch marks etc and discarding for a younger woman without looking back. 

So when you opening describe how you have lost desire for your wife due to some extra pounds and talk of yearning for slimmer women, it hits a very raw and primal nerve. 

Another disturbing feature is many middle age men do remain or even become more attractive to women as they age (up to a certain point) and there are many walk-away-husbands in the world that simply trade in their middle age wives for newer models. 

Additionally many of the men are here because their wives have simply lost desire for them and couldn’t care less if they ever have sex with them again and the men have basically been emotionally and sexually discarded by their wives.

Many of the men here would crawl naked through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks for a woman that still had some semblance of a sex drive and some attraction and desire for them...... and they wouldn’t care less if that woman had some extra pounds or stretch marks or a belly that just won’t go away despite proper diet and exercise. 

So even the men here can see themselves in your wife’s position of being the one who is no longer desired and just being kept around for the “other” services that they provide, as well as seeing you as not appreciating something that they want so badly. 

In essence, the people here on this site are here due to being in your wife’s position and they are identifying more with your wife rather than being empathetic and supportive of your perspective.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The fact that you "internally cringe" about your wife's body and have felt that way for decades is extremely unsettling. And no, it's not like the other facades people present in life.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Heck, my wife has added at least about 40 pounds since we got married. Of course, she is in full menopause, though. Do I wish she would lose some weight? Of course, but I understand that she isn't as young as she once was, and losing weight is certainly not as easy as it used to be. She has actually tried, though I think she has given up on it now. I can overlook any "flaws" of her body because I can still see the beautiful woman I married underneath. I love her dearly, and we still have sex at least 4 times a week. I'm 59, and she is 54, and we have been married over 23-1/2 years. She definitely loves me, and is the best wife and mother a man could ask for. I married her for better or for worse, so there's that, right? You have to focus on the positive, not the negative. I see hot women all the time, and being a man I look...., discretely, mind you. I know she does the same, even though I am definitely above average in looks. The thing is though, we know neither of us would blow up our marriage over attraction to others.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Luvher4life said:


> Heck, my wife has added at least about 40 pounds since we got married. Of course, she is in full menopause, though. Do I wish she would lose some weight? Of course, but I understand that she isn't as young as she once was, and losing weight is certainly not as easy as it used to be. She has actually tried, though I think she has given up on it now. I can overlook any "flaws" of her body because I can still see the beautiful woman I married underneath. I love her dearly, and we still have sex at least 4 times a week. I'm 59, and she is 54, and we have been married over 23-1/2 years. She definitely loves me, and is the best wife and mother a man could ask for. I married her for better or for worse, so there's that, right? You have to focus on the positive, not the negative. I see hot women all the time, and being a man I look...., discretely, mind you. I know she does the same, even though I am definitely above average in looks. The thing is though, we know neither of us would blow up our marriage over attraction to others.


Do you feel disgust at the sight of your wife's naked body? Do you internally cringe? This OP does.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It is perfectly possible to lose attraction for a man you once considered very attractive. You get used to it and you see the whole package at some point. Really, it only takes one wrong move or insult for a women to lose attraction for you. So don't get too comfortable with that. And just because you figure she can't find someone who on the surface is as good, doesn't mean she might not be happier alone. Just don't take it for granted, that's all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> As I said in my earlier posts, your post has hit a nerve and triggered a variety people.
> 
> Most of the regular posters here are in the 40s and above and many have either been cheated on or their partners have lost romantic/sexual interest in them and haven’t had an active and satisfying sex life in a long time.
> 
> ...


Your comments may apply to some, I dont know, but my own responses come from a position of being in a very happy marriage. I just commented on the sadness of what I read and how arrogant he came accross. So please dont assume that most or even a majority come from people who have been rejected due to their age and weight etc.
Also its just not the case that older men can fall into a relationship with a women his daughters age. Yes it happens occasionally, usually if they are rich and earn good money and have lovely homes, cars etc.Thats usually what attracts a much young woman. I doubt they would give a man their fathers age a second look if he didnt have much or earn much. 

Its hard to be empathetic towards a man who has such a lovely wife, yet complains that she doesnt look as she did 25 years ago. None of us do, including him, thats life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe because you are forcing your wife to live a lie. At some point in the next few years, you will most likely start to have issues with your 'equipment' working. Even if you considered your wife to be drop-dead gorgeous, you would still encounter problems. Since you are basically turned off by your wife, your problems will be exacerbated. Maybe you'll be pleased to no longer have to fulfill your duty. Where will that leave your wife?
> 
> How about you have a gentle conversation with her and explain that you are finding her less attractive and let her decide if she wants to work on it. For the benefit of both of you. Call it a preventive measure.


The thing is, she is working our regularly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You sound like you pretty much have it made besides your malfunction in your mind.

I have a couple posts about when Mrs. Conan gained weight. I don't feel like telling the tale again so you can hunt it down if you like.

I don't have to imagine what I would do in your shoes because I did it.

Mrs. Conan couldn't walk straight for nearly two years among other things.

BTW, I'm 49 and I really can draw the attention of younger women. I have a lot of weird stories about women behaving forward with me.

I have also not once considered them. My wife is mine and I pour my romantic love and physical passion into her alone.

That is the promise I made and the vow I took with her.

I choose to love her this way and my mind leads my heart, not vice versa.

Hope the best for you and your wife.

She sounds lovely honestly.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

ishtov said:


> Only only in this thing, this one thing that only to ME is a problem, one that I will never let her know, I suffer. (Suffer might be a too strong word, I lack a lesser one.)


Yes, it's your problem, but what I don't understand is how do you want to solve this problem? 

You don't want to divorce or break your wife's heart. 

I don't understand why you posted here? To gain support? 

I think your problem started at the beginning of your marriage by marrying someone who was not your ideal. That was a big mistake. Did you think her body wasn't going to change? 

Has she expressed her desire to change her body? I mean having plastic surgery. I'm someone who's terrified of anesthesia, but I'm honest and I'd like to change a few things about my body and I've been researching lately. I'm not sure if that's a possibility, but maybe it could be an option that's going to benefit both of you. You can ask her if she's interested and go from there.

It's sad for both of you. If I were you I'd try to look into options about losing weight and reshaping the skin. How does she feel about her body? I don't like the idea of giving up and suffering where there could be something you both can do about it. 

What do you want to do? What do you think she can do about it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> Yes, it's your problem, but what I don't understand is how do you want to solve this problem?
> 
> You don't want to divorce or break your wife's heart.
> 
> ...


Just my thoughts, but I honestly think that having surgery is so drastic, and you cant change your body shape. If she is a stocky build then even if she lost a bit of weight its not going to make her look like the 20 year old porn stars.She has also had 4 children, you cant turn back time. She already works out 3 times a week, so she clearly wants to keep fit.
People have died having liposuction and other cosmetic operations. Others have been maimed for life. Does he want to risk that? I would also think that if he asked her she would be very hurt, unstandably.
We all age, even him. He isnt the virile young stud he thinks he was and still thinks he is, we all age, we all get grey hair and go bald and get wrinkles. We all get old and dont look as we did in our 20's even if people do have some cosmetic operations or proceedures. They still age.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

This dude is never going to post again lol


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Just my thoughts, but I honestly think that having surgery is so drastic, and you cant change your body shape. If she is a stocky build then even if she lost a bit of weight its not going to make her look like the 20 year old porn stars.She has also had 4 children, you cant turn back time. She already works out 3 times a week, so she clearly wants to keep fit.
> People have died having liposuction and other cosmetic operations. Others have been maimed for life. Does he want to risk that? I would also think that if he asked her she would be very hurt, unstandably.
> We all age, even him. He isnt the virile young stud he thinks he was and still thinks he is, we all age, we all get grey hair and go bald and get wrinkles. We all get old and dont look as we did in our 20's even if people do have some cosmetic operations or proceedures. They still age.


100%

It is so obvious that this isn’t about his wife’s weight.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> You sound like you pretty much have it made besides your malfunction in your mind.
> 
> I have a couple posts about when Mrs. Conan gained weight. I don't feel like telling the tale again so you can hunt it down if you like.
> 
> ...


Yes he has a treasure and he can't even see it. Thats what makes me so very sad. I just think of all the men in the world who would give anything to have what he has, and yet he prefers to lie to her and look at porn stars.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Yes he has a treasure and he can't even see it. Thats what makes me so very sad. I just think of all the men in the world who would give anything to have what he has, and yet he prefers to lie to her and look at porn stars.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> 100%
> 
> It is so obvious that this isn’t about his wife’s weight.


No woman in her 50s can compete physically with 25 year old porn stars. No 50 year old men can either.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> 100%
> 
> It is so obvious that this isn’t about his wife’s weight.


My ex hb particularly liked younger women and admitted to me during a rare moment of honesty that it allowed him to pretend that he was younger. 

His extreme insecurity and the things that it contributed to wrecked our marriage. He was so insecure that he wore a toupee and also liked to think he looked much younger.

While he was in great shape and did look good, he didn't look all kinds of younger like he thought. The sniffing out younger women was him having trouble getting older.

I suspect that's going on here. While I have no doubt that OP is a good looking guy and looks great for his age, i suspect his insistence that he's somehow in the running with much younder men tells me he's having trouble getting older.

I get it...we all have to come to terms with it. I hope he does so without wrecking his marriage.

I'm 46 and an endurance athlete. I've been told that most 20 somethings have little on me body wise, and while I appreciate the thought I'm under no illusion that I look all kinds of younger. My bf is 55, and while he's careful and in great shape he doesn't look like he's 30 or even 40. And that's ok because he's adorable and I'm crazy about him....and I love his 55 year old body because he makes efforts and I'm crazy about him.


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

pastasauce79 said:


> Yes, it's your problem, but what I don't understand is how do you want to solve this problem?
> 
> You don't want to divorce or break your wife's heart.
> I don't understand why you posted here? To gain support?
> What do you want to do? What do you think she can do about it?


I don't know. This has been bottled up in me for years. It started for me as a need to vent.
I do think this was good for me to see the reactions, putting things into perspective, making me reflect.




Girl_power said:


> This dude is never going to post again lol


Why not? As a scientist, I am used to feedback, also negative feedback. I ignore pointlessly hurtful things, but I am certainly capable of learning and taking into account other options and incorporating new ideas. Like I said, this has been very useful for me.


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> As I said in my earlier posts, your post has hit a nerve and triggered a variety people.
> 
> 
> Many of the men here would crawl naked through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks for a woman that still had some semblance of a sex drive and some attraction and desire for them...... and they wouldn’t care less if that woman had some extra pounds or stretch marks or a belly that just won’t go away despite proper diet and exercise.
> ...


Ok I understand better now. 



Diana7 said:


> Just my thoughts, but I honestly think that having surgery is so drastic, and you cant change your body shape. If she is a stocky build then even if she lost a bit of weight its not going to make her look like the 20 year old porn stars.She has also had 4 children, you cant turn back time. She already works out 3 times a week, so she clearly wants to keep fit.
> People have died having liposuction and other cosmetic operations. Others have been maimed for life. Does he want to risk that? I would also think that if he asked her she would be very hurt, unstandably.
> We all age, even him. He isnt the virile young stud he thinks he was and still thinks he is, we all age, we all get grey hair and go bald and get wrinkles. We all get old and dont look as we did in our 20's even if people do have some cosmetic operations or proceedures. They still age.


Surgery is not an option. I broached the subject some years ago regarding a tummy tuck (and now there is freezing therapy) but the idea is a non-starter by her.
"He" is right here reading your post lol. We all age, of course, and I certainly don't look like I am in my 20s. But I routinely get away with being 35. People are flabbergasted to find out I am almost 50 and have a married child. The funny thing is, my wife actually looks younger too, it's not her age that is the problem, I think I made that clear. 

Cognitively I know all these things, cognitively, I know I should be happy with her body.




pastasauce79 said:


> Yes, it's your problem, but what I don't understand is how do you want to solve this problem?
> 
> You don't want to divorce or break your wife's heart.
> I don't understand why you posted here? To gain support?
> What do you want to do? What do you think she can do about it?


I don't know. This has been bottled up in me for years. It started for me as a need to vent.
But now I do think this was good for me to see the reactions, putting things into perspective, making me reflect. We are all a work in progress, until the day we die. 




Girl_power said:


> This dude is never going to post again lol


This "dude" is right here .
And why not? As a scientist, I am used to feedback, also negative feedback. I ignore pointlessly hurtful things, but I am certainly capable of learning and taking into account others opinions, and incorporating new ideas. As I said, this has been very useful for me. Also, in many other relationship sides, I have much to contribute. We are all multidimensional.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> No woman in her 50s can compete physically with 25 year old porn stars. No 50 year old men can either.


I am a 70+ year old man. I have over 5 decade experience arousing and being aroused by women (especially one woman). A 22 to 25 year old has maybe a decade of such experience. A 25 year old woman porn star probably has just learned about her body, let alone a man's body and what her body is capable of doing to a man's body. She may not have wrinkles, stretch marks, or loose skin, but enthusiasm, confidence and experience count for a lot more, at least in my book. Depending on the relationship and its length, age may equate to experience and learning to "punch your partner's buttons in all the right ways." There is sex and then there is making love.


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## Bob4678 (Sep 13, 2020)

I have a phobia about weight overall. It seems to come from my Mom dying at the age of 54 having told all six kids that “she will live her life the way she pleases and, if she dies, that is fine.” She was five feet tall and weighed over 300 lbs. My Dad loved her and was always up for sex with her. He lived for another 23 years. He missed her greatly and never remarried. 

For what it’s worth, I explained to my wife about my Mom when we started getting serious. She is a trooper. She was a stunner in her 20s and she is a stunner at 62. Just not the type of stunner compared to her 20s. But, I still see her that way.

We have lived a life (38 years) of activity, exercise and calorie counting. We have managed to keep our weight under control. I am 5’8”, 149 and she is 5’2”, 132. 

Could you have some underlying phobia to weight in your past?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

He said she is not obese so I’m curious how tall she is and how much does she weight.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> I am a 70+ year old man. I have over 5 decade experience arousing and being aroused by women (especially one woman). A 22 to 25 year old has maybe a decade of such experience. A 25 year old woman porn star probably has just learned about her body, let alone a man's body and what her body is capable of doing to a man's body. She may not have wrinkles, stretch marks, or loose skin, but enthusiasm, confidence and experience count for a lot more, at least in my book. Depending on the relationship and its length, age may equate to experience and learning to "punch your partner's buttons in all the right ways." There is sex and then there is making love.


Also many porn stars apparently actually hate sex, many were sexually abused, its all acting of course.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

A proble


Girl_power said:


> He said she is not obese so I’m curious how tall she is and how much does she weight.


I'll second this, how tall is she and how much does she weigh??


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> People have died having liposuction and other cosmetic operations. Others have been maimed for life. Does he want to risk that?


I was giving him a real option because millions of people around the world get plastic surgery. There are risks involved like any other surgery.

I don't know anyone who has died or had complications from plastic surgery. I'm actually considering having some in the future. 

His wife said no to surgery so that's not an option anymore. Oh well! I'm out of options here.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> I was giving him a real option because millions of people around the world get plastic surgery. There are risks involved like any other surgery.
> 
> I don't know anyone who has died or had complications from plastic surgery. I'm actually considering having some in the future.
> 
> His wife said no to surgery so that's not an option anymore. Oh well! I'm out of options here.


The problem is not her weight even though the OP says it is. The problem is she’s not a 20 year old porn star. There is no amount of plastic surgery in the world to be a 20 year old porn star. 

Kanye wests mom died from plastic surgery.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I've got to say, there won't be any reasoning with OP from what I've read.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I've got to say, there won't be any reasoning with OP from what I've read.


I agree. He's convinced he looks 35 and his wife isn't physically good enough for him. I don't know how she doesn't sense that.

I wish them all the best.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> A proble
> 
> I'll second this, how tall is she and how much does she weigh??


It doesn't matter. 

For all we know she may be a knock out and have men drooling all over her wherever she goes. 

She may be objectively very good looking to the masses, but for whatever reason he does not find her visually or physically appealing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and he does not behold her beauty.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Do you feel disgust at the sight of your wife's naked body?


No, I don't feel disgust. I even encourage her to not hide her nakedness from me. I know she "could" look better if she was dead set on it, but I wouldn't dare push the issue. I don't want her to feel worse than she already does.



Livvie said:


> Do you internally cringe?


No, I don't cringe at all. I am still attracted to her, even though she has gained weight. I do wish she had the self motivation and stick-to-itiveness to make a diet work. I know it's not easy for most people, though. Personally, I've lost about 15 to 20 pounds just with will alone. I guess it's just harder for women.



Livvie said:


> This OP does.


Honestly, that is pretty shallow of him. The grass is rarely greener on the other side. His lack of attraction to her is on him, not her. That's really sad.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@ishtov 

I went back and read through all of your posts again and I have a number of random thoughts in no particular order - 

- Despite the roasting and beating you have taken here, you are actually a *GOOD *husband and father. You have actually done what society and the major religions have asked you to do as a husband and father. You have committed yourself to one woman and have remained faithful to her and have supported and stood by her through raising 4 children and have given her the love and attention she desires even though your physical attraction to her has waned over the years. People here may be treating you like some kind of pervert and deviant because you have admitted to finding other women attractive, but the reality is you have remained faithful to one woman and one woman only for 25 years and 4 children despite your normal, innate desires that every single person on the Planet Earth has (despite the denials that will inevitably come from a few posters after they read this) You have done what most of us here have not - you have remained in a committed and long term relationship with one person only for 50 years. Even Diana can not claim that (nor can I so it is fair of me to say that) 

- IMHO I think what you are experiencing is just part and parcel of a normal, long term, monogamous relationship and the aging process. My wife is 53, 5'7" and slightly under 120lbs. She is a former teen model and state-level beauty pageant contestant. Polish her up and she could go toe-to-toe with many Hollywood hotties of her age. But is she what she was at 22? Of course not. Nor am I, and nor are any of us. I still think she is uber hot and sexy and desire her every moment of every day - but unfortunately she has lost desire for me (even though I am still fit and 6' 185lbs with visible muscle. Do I appreciate and notice the beauty of 20somethings?? Do I fantasize about throwing their legs over my shoulder and pile-driving them until one of us collapses (probably me LOL ) yes, of course. Every healthy and virile man does. But do I actually try to get in their pants? Do I want to divorce so I can be a single man chase whatever tail I want? No I don't. When I do the mental math, it just doesn't add up for me (yet) This is something that every man and woman goes through in long term monogamous relationships. Monogamy is a sacrifice and we give up certain freedoms and have to deny certain animal desires and instincts for the domestic stabilities and assets that exclusivity provides. 

- Now can we as fit, gainfully employed, middle age men that are not deformed or disfigured date, hook up with, and perhaps even marry women? Yes. No question. Can we get with every young woman we find attractive? No. Not even Channing Tatum or George Clooney can do that. They couldn't do that even when they were in their 20s themselves. Can we even get a perfect, unflawed younger woman that will meet our every need and satisfy our every desire? No, that is silly. We are all still flawed human beings. If you put your mind to it and work at it, you can get a younger, slimmer, firmer woman. If you put in the effort and do the steps you can achieve that, but you are going to be trading one set of flaws and imperfections for another set of flaws and imperfections. 

So the question comes down to how much does a slimmer, firmer, sexier body mean to you? How much does having the freedom and opportunity to pursue slimmer, sexier bodies mean to you? It comes down to values and mores. If you can't live with yourself another day/week/month/year unless you get with a different person with a slimmer, firmer, sexier body, you can do it. But you'll sacrifice the things and experience the negative things you have already mentioned in your posts. 

It's not all bad. slim and firm women can be good people too, I don't mean to imply that all young, good looking women are train wrecks. Most are decent people. But everyone is different. Some people will be better than your wife in some aspects but will be worse in other aspects. That's simply a fact that we are all different. 

Most of us at some point in our lives have decided that we simply needed "different." And/or most of us at some point have had someone break up with us because they needed "different" even though on paper we were adequate partners doing our job. Very few people in the western world remain with their first and one and only anymore. 

It comes down to your own personal values and personal mores on what you are willing to give up in order to obtain what you want to get. 

That choice is yours and yours alone.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@oldshirt that was a well thought out response. 

It closes the loop. The OP now has every possible perspective to draw from for his next move.

Which hopefully will be to appreciate his W or to show his respect for her as a person and split.

I'm hoping he'll go the appreciate his W route but that's just me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

so you have a few options here. 

Option #1 is what society and the major religions want you to do and that is suck it up and live with it. Turn away from other temptations (porn, other women etc) and look to what you have an appreciate that and keep soldiering on. All things considered, you have actually done a pretty good job of that so far. 

And to be fair, there is a lot you can do here - date nights, trips and vacations away from home and away from the daily grind. Buy her sexy lingerie (I had a FWB that was overweight and had some wrinkles and cellulite and some normal sags that come with age, and some quality, name-brand lingerie transformed her into a smoke'n hot porn star in her own right!) 

I would also suggest making another attempt at the kink. Here's the thing, dutiful wives and mothers are programed and expected by girl-code to push back and resist initial attempts at anything that's not standard. Some times it means they really don't want to and is something that they sincerely find distasteful. But other times they just want you to try harder. That is where wisdom and seduction come in. Wisdom is about learning the difference between the two. Seduction is about getting someone to do what they actually want to do deep down. 

If she is this high-desire as you say, then she is probably interested in more than what you think she is. What's the worst that could happen? A woman you aren't that sexually attracted to in the first doesn't want to do something sexual with you????

Option # 2 is the obvious - divorce and move on with your own life and take your chances and see what you can do with the 2nd half of your life. 

Despite all the moaning and groaning and gasps from the audience, it is a viable option. You've already raised your kids. You've already provided for a wife and family and have accomplished what society and the church have asked you to do. 

There will be some legal obligations such as property division, court costs, lawyer fees etc but if the kids are grown there won't be child support. You haven't mentioned if she works or not but depending on her employment options and income etc you may or may not have some spousal support. 

But you sound like a pretty objective and fact-based guy so do the math. Without a wife and kids in the home, do you need a big house with fancy furniture and landscaping? I know a divorced guy that lives in a rented room in an old lady's house who has 3 motorcycles and golfs several times a week and dates whoever and whenever he pleases and he's never been happier. 

Do the real math. Would living the way *YOU *want to and doing the things you actually want to do without having to shell out for kids and a wife be affordable? Would the cost vs benefit ratio actually come out in favor of paying some spousal support and then being able to spend the rest on motorcycles and golf equipment or dating 20 year old sugar babies actually be worth it to you? 

for some guys the answer is no, but for other guys the answer is yes. 

Option #3 is some kind of open marriage type arrangment. This can take many forms. One is just outright cheating, lets just get that out in the open right now. You can cheat which will give you the benefits of marriage plus the excitement of getting some strange. This can be finding another woman that is into you that is desperate enough that she will take up with a married man.

Other options include escorts, sugar babies and other professionals. They make their living by being discrete and keeping things on the downlow and by providing good service. 

The con is you will get caught eventually and then you'll have to deal with all that fallout and aftermath. The kids will be resentful. The wife and all her friends and family will be resentful. Just a bad deal all around but the option is out there. 

Another option is Dont Ask/Don't Tell. You each have that option out there, but you just continue on with your regular daily life and just don't talk about it. It's basically admitting your bedroom is dead and you find comfort in someone else's bed but you each stay for the stability of home life and to keep up public appearances. 

Another form of that is a more open arrangement where you openly date and hook up with others but remain married and keep everything open on the table. Just keep in mind that even though you don't find your wife attractive, millions of other men will and while you will be damn lucky to find one other woman that will have you under such an arrangement, your wife will have other men lining up down the street and around the corner every day. Her hardest challenge will be determining how many she has the time and energy for and which ones to turn away. 

And there is also swinging. Swinging is a bit different than open marriage in that swinging is something you do together as a couple and get with other couples and such together. It's bringing another level of stimulation and excitement into the marital bed together as a couple as part of your marital dynamics. If she is as HD as you say she is, she may go for it if it is presented in the right manner. 

You see, you may think you are all that and that you keep her completely satisfied. But the truth is, she is having the same desires and the same feelings of boredom and yearning for strange as you are (she will just deny it) If you truly open up the discussion and truly allow her the opportunity to explore this, she will be tentative and hesitant at first, but once she gets a taste of it, she may take off running with it. 

But again be warned, you'll be challenged finding other women that will want to be with you where as basically every man with a pulse will be down for getting with her. 

Those are your basic options and again, it will come down to your own personal values and mores. What do you value most and what are willing to pay and what are you willing to sacrifice?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I can't judge you frankly, sadly we can't choose what triggers us as men, we can only communicate it. Some men are harder to trigger than others.

Ex-wife after childbirth lost the weight extremely fast via pole dancing as an exercise, however every body is different, your wife needs to find the right exercises for her - some would make her put on even more weight. Sometimes it may not even work at all and you just have to make a choice. She and I had other problems that diminished my attraction for her.

Even if it may put your marriage on the rocks, I do recommend being honest about it, otherwise there's no way you can work through this, for better or worse. You may find it's not even the physicality that turns you off, that's what I found with ex-wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> I can't judge you frankly, sadly we can't choose what triggers us as men, we can only communicate it. Some men are harder to trigger than others.
> 
> Ex-wife after childbirth lost the weight extremely fast via pole dancing as an exercise, however every body is different, your wife needs to find the right exercises for her - some would make her put on even more weight. Sometimes it may not even work at all and you just have to make a choice. She and I had other problems that diminished my attraction for her.
> 
> Even if it may put your marriage on the rocks, I do recommend being honest about it, otherwise there's no way you can work through this, for better or worse. You may find it's not even the physicality that turns you off, that's what I found with ex-wife.



For all we know, his wife may be a venezuelan pole vaulter. 

She may be perfectly healthy and vigorous and she may be completely responsible and healthy with her diet and lifestyle. 

He doesn't find her visually appealing. The rest of the entire earth's population may think she is perfectly attractive. 

How much should any of us twist and turn ourselves into someone to be perfectly appealing to our spouse? 

I eat well. I like to go to the gym. Most people would say I am reasonably fit and healthy for a man my age. 

But I am kind of like the wife in this thread. My wife does not really desire me much or is all that attracted to me anymore :-( How much more should I do? Should I get some kind of hair transplant? Should I get lipo and abdominal sculpting to get abz? Should I get a face lift or pec implants (yes there is such a thing) Should I bump up my 1 hour of fun time at the gym into 2-3 hours of grueling workouts with an expensive personal trainer and taskmaster? 

What if none of that works and she still fancies the guy at work or down the street or the playa' at the bar? 

At what point do we need to change and at what point is it the other person's cross to bear if they don't find us attractive?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> For all we know, his wife may be a venezuelan pole vaulter.
> 
> She may be perfectly healthy and vigorous and she may be completely responsible and healthy with her diet and lifestyle.
> 
> ...


Yeah that's why I mentioned it could be more than physicality, my ex-wife was too easy, eager, and demanding. Which turned me off, despite an extremely fit body.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> I was giving him a real option because millions of people around the world get plastic surgery. There are risks involved like any other surgery.
> 
> I don't know anyone who has died or had complications from plastic surgery. I'm actually considering having some in the future.
> 
> His wife said no to surgery so that's not an option anymore. Oh well! I'm out of options here.


I have heard of several people who died and many whose had serious complications. A well known nhs doctor in the uk said they are constantly haing people come to them whose cosmetic surgery ops have gone drastically wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> For all we know, his wife may be a venezuelan pole vaulter.
> 
> She may be perfectly healthy and vigorous and she may be completely responsible and healthy with her diet and lifestyle.
> 
> ...


Yes good point. I think that once it gets to the point of one spouse wanting the other to have risky major surgery to change their looks, its the end of the road.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> The problem is not her weight even though the OP says it is. The problem is she’s not a 20 year old porn star. There is no amount of plastic surgery in the world to be a 20 year old porn star.
> 
> Kanye wests mom died from plastic surgery.


Well, he's got his preferences, I understand that. I have my taste in men and I know I would never be attracted to fat men. 

I don't think he wants a "porn star." I think he wants his wife not to have a belly or being fat. Many married people struggle with that. 

He feels attracted to other younger women because he's around them, not his fault really. I'm attracted to other men, that doesn't mean I'm going to cheat. He hasn't cheated and he's looking to solve his problem.

The way he talks about himself is a little vain but that's the way he is.

I wish there was a way to fix his problem without being radical, but I don't see another option. Telling him he needs to change and find his wife attractive is not realistic, he might do it after having a brain reboot. I'm out of options for the guy here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> It doesn't matter.
> 
> For all we know she may be a knock out and have men drooling all over her wherever she goes.
> 
> She may be objectively very good looking to the masses, but for whatever reason he does not find her visually or physically appealing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and he does not behold her beauty.


Absolutly. I mean for example for me, middle eastern men do not hold any attraction (unless he looks like Omar Shariff used to!!). We are all different in who we find attractive.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I have heard of several people who died and many whose had serious complications. A well known nhs doctor in the uk said they are constantly haing people come to them whose cosmetic surgery ops have gone drastically wrong.


You don't have to have plastic surgery, your choice, but there are millions of people around the world having it with great results! My mil is one of them, and many cousins and friends too. None of them had any complications from the surgeries. I'm definitely getting some in a few years, nothing drastic but it's something I want to fix and my husband is supportive of my choice. 

It's such a beautiful thing to be free and be able to choose, don't you think?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> You don't have to have plastic surgery, your choice, but there are millions of people around the world having it with great results! My mil is one of them, and many cousins and friends too. None of them had any complications from the surgeries. I'm definitely getting some in a few years, nothing drastic but it's something I want to fix and my husband is supportive of my choice.
> 
> It's such a beautiful thing to be free and be able to choose, don't you think?


I just think its very sad that women feel they need to.Why not just accept yourself and love yourself as you are? In the UK its thankfully far more rare, I only know one woman who had a very minor op on her eyes and that was my husband's ex. He didnt want her to have it, and he would hate it if I wanted any cosmetic operations.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I just think its very sad that women feel they need to.Why not just accept yourself and love yourself as you are? In the UK its thankfully far more rare, I only know one woman who had a very minor op on her eyes and that was my husband's ex. He didnt want her to have it, and he would hate it if I wanted any cosmetic operations.


Not all women who get plastic surgery feel they NEED it. Most people Just think life is short, and why not get the boobs, or whatever you want. 
Let’s not kid ourselves and say looks aren’t important. And no one can control what they are born with. It’s nice to know that things can be modified if they want.


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## Bob4678 (Sep 13, 2020)

Funny story? Lol. About five years, my wife and I were getting our yearly physical with Navy Tricare and we would go see the Doctor at the same time. My wife gained substantial weight from our one daughter’s birth and spent three years getting it off. Due to the long time, she had a loose tummy. She expressed a desire to have a tummy tuck. Me, not necessary but will support her.

The Navy would do the tummy tuck but we would pay for it. We paid about $4,500 for the tummy tuck eventually. During the consult and the wife being unaware, I recommended that she get a breast reduction. Bra straps would just devastate her shoulders. Her head snapped towards me like I was the devil.

She thought it over and agreed that it wold be great to have it done. The Navy WOULD not charge for the breast reduction as it was deemed medically necessity and both procedures were done beautifully and my wife remains over the moon about the change.

For us, it was about risk versus rewards. We take risks every time we leave the house, go driving or just living life. The risk was worth her happiness and the rewards are great. For my wife, it was her personal choice and I supported her fully.

IMHO, one should discuss risk versus rewards with partners and medical professionals before deciding. She shocked me with her desire for a tummy tuck and I shocked her with the breast reduction recommendation. All came out superb. Knock on wood.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Not all women who get plastic surgery feel they NEED it. Most people Just think life is short, and why not get the boobs, or whatever you want.
> Let’s not kid ourselves and say looks aren’t important. And no one can control what they are born with. It’s nice to know that things can be modified if they want.


They seem to think they need it. Why would anyone go though major surgery unless they were very discontent with their body?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I just think its very sad that women feel they need to.Why not just accept yourself and love yourself as you are? In the UK its thankfully far more rare, I only know one woman who had a very minor op on her eyes and that was my husband's ex. He didnt want her to have it, and he would hate it if I wanted any cosmetic operations.


Don't feel sad, feel glad there are options for people who want to improve something they are not happy with.

Most women don't go and get a full makeover! Usually it's a small change. I want a little change around my eyes, the change can be medically necessary if it gets worse. I see it slowly getting worse. 

My mil wasn't happy with her double chin and droopy eyes. Those areas you can't reduce with diet or exercise. She had plastic surgery done and she looks good, nothing drastic, it suits her face really good, you can't tell she's got any work done. She is happy showing her neck, she's confident and happy! That's what matters.

You are happy the way you are and my mil is happy with the surgery she got. Different things make us happy and that's perfectly fine!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

did i mention LINGERIE?
that is what it is designed for.

any woman is going to look HAWT wearing this:









Women's Short Sleeve Long Sleeve Bodycon Clubwear Sheer Pure Mesh Tops T Shirts (0-1028 (Black), Small) at Amazon Women’s Clothing store


Buy Women's Short Sleeve Long Sleeve Bodycon Clubwear Sheer Pure Mesh Tops T Shirts (0-1028 (Black), Small) and other T-Shirts at Amazon.com. Our wide selection is elegible for free shipping and free returns.



www.amazon.com


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> did i mention LINGERIE?
> that is what it is designed for.
> 
> any woman is going to look HAWT wearing this:
> ...


You don't get it. Nothing is going to make her attractive to him. He's never been into her body type, he says, never.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> Don't feel sad, feel glad there are options for people who want to improve something they are not happy with.
> 
> Most women don't go and get a full makeover! Usually it's a small change. I want a little change around my eyes, the change can be medically necessary if it gets worse. I see it slowly getting worse.
> 
> ...





oldshirt said:


> @ishtov
> 
> I went back and read through all of your posts again and I have a number of random thoughts in no particular order -
> 
> ...


Um yes I can claim that, I was with my first husband for the same length of time the op had been with his wife, 25 years. 

Just a general comment, what I always think is amusing is how middle aged men often think that it will be easy to get a woman of their daughters age to jump into bed with them. In actual fact they usually find that the grass definitely isnt greener, and many regret loosing their marriage and destroying their family. Too late by then of course.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> You don't get it. Nothing is going to make her attractive to him. He's never been into her body type, he says, never.


How sad that he married her, she could have found a man who appreciated her and loved her completely.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Um yes I can claim that, I was with my first husband for the same length of time the op had been with his wife, 25


But you can’t claim to have only been with one person your whole life.

I’m not judging. My point is most people do not stay with their first love.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I don't really have any suggestions... simply that this song from Hall & Oates came to mind when I was reading the various responses. Here's a great version by Lou Rawls.

_Up in the morning, look in the mirror
I'm worn as a toothbrush hanging in the stand
My face ain't looking any younger
Now I can see love's taken her toll on me...

Think I'll spend eternity in the city
Let the carbon and monoxide choke my thoughts away
And the pretty bodies help dissolve the memories
But they can never be what she was to me._


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> But you can’t claim to have only been with one person your whole life.
> 
> I’m not judging. My point is most people do not stay with their first love.


Well to be fair he is only 50 so nor can he yet. Wait another 20 years and see if he is still there. 
To be honest I know dozens of couples in their 60's and 70's still in their first marriages. Married 40-50 years. I think its more than you think.


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

*UPDATE: (6 weeks later)*

1. I really tried to stop watching porn, with moderate success. Even as it was, it was only every couple of days and it was not a real addiction. But since my post, and the resulting comments, I have porned/self-serviced only a handful of times. 
2. I have really tried to focus on the positives of my wife's body, and ignore what turns me off. Again, moderate success.
3. As it happened, because of the lockdowns (though I have been at work as usual for various reasons), I have been exposed very little to other "hot females". I used this to try and get out of habits of looking at and thinking about, others.

_Results_:
I can't say that I am all happy dappy now about my wife's body, but I can see that if I keep this up, I should be more comfortable and be less bothered. Also, she is really really trying, working out 4-5 times a week. I even started running with her once a week to show my support (not easy, because I am so much faster than her being about over a foot taller). I am trying to use this fact itself to help to be turned on, by seeing her as an athlete.

Cheating is still something I will never consider, nor leaving her.
She still won't consider a tummy tuck. Kink is still something she is not really interested in.

I know I am lucky to have such a wife, so I will try to do better. 

There is an entirely another subject that I did not raise and I am thinking about opening a new thread on this - living a Jewish religious lifestyle and how that impacts the sex life. I'll search first to see if this has ever been discussed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ishtov said:


> *UPDATE: (6 weeks later)*
> 
> 1. I really tried to stop watching porn, with moderate success. Even as it was, it was only every couple of days and it was not a real addiction. But since my post, and the resulting comments, I have porned/self-serviced only a handful of times.
> 2. I have really tried to focus on the positives of my wife's body, and ignore what turns me off. Again, moderate success.
> ...


Good for you, that sounds very positive. As for the Jewish thing, some of us here are Christians so follow the same first part of the Bible. I would be interested in seeing that thread if you start it. There is a religion section.
Oh and I wouldnt have a tummy tuck either.. Its a big operation and leaves a big scar. I am glad she is not risking her life and health for such an operation that isnt medically needed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Positive update.

FYI.....i run many times faster then my bf even though he's almost a foot taller. I've been doing it for 31 years and can swing 7:00 miles (sometimes faster).....he does 10:00 miles. Guess what? I can jog with him just fine....relax and enjoy the company.

Tummy tucks are major surgery as a lot of organs are in that area. It's painful and has a lot of potential for complications. It's much to ask of someone, particularly because it's not necessarily going to solve your issues. If i had a guy push one on me I'd resent the hell out of him.....that's something she has to want for herself.

My bf has a bit of the middle age guy midsection going on (I don't) and I care not one iota. He makes loads of efforts to take care of himself and that's plenty for me. That should remain your focus.

Besides....i just really enjoy him on many levels. Focus on all of the ways you enjoy her and continue to exercise with her.

As a fellow non practicing Jew, I'll add that living a more religious life is seldom a bad thing. I think about it myself.....maybe someday.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I am sure I will receive hate for this comment, but I do not get why OP was burned at the stake for this post. 

He never said he didn't love his wife or wanted to leave her over her body changes. Why do we have to pretend producing a child always results in beauty? I am on baby #1 and he destroyed my breasts. I cannot WAIT to pop another one out and point those suckers to the sun again. And guess what? My husband is very supportive of this goal....wonder why?? It doesn't mean he loves me any less, but he also isn't opposed to a little bit of post-baby renovation.

He came here to very, get advice, etc. And suddenly everyone is all shocked he looks at porn? Many men look at porn even if they are attracted to their wives. I am sure mine does as well, though he'd never admit it since it would hurt my feelings. 

OP, keep doing what you are doing. I am sure plenty of people end up in a similar situation! Staying active is going to make you both feel better. Side note - has she had her thyroid checked? Or possibly checked for food allergies? Just a thought!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> I am sure I will receive hate for this comment, but I do not get why OP was burned at the stake for this post.
> 
> He never said he didn't love his wife or wanted to leave her over her body changes. Why do we have to pretend producing a child always results in beauty? I am on baby #1 and he destroyed my breasts. I cannot WAIT to pop another one out and point those suckers to the sun again. And guess what? My husband is very supportive of this goal....wonder why?? It doesn't mean he loves me any less, but he also isn't opposed to a little bit of post-baby renovation.
> 
> ...


Its not shock that he looks at porn, its advise that the more he looks at porn and the more he ogles other women the harder it will be for him to ever find his wife attractive and stop comparing her to others. He has already said that its helping. Comparing our spouses to others, whether consciously or unconsciously is deadly for marriage. I cant think much more disrespectful or unloving towards my husband than to spend hours watching naked men and women having sex online.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

ishtov said:


> This is more of a vent, a blog type post, than a question. Because there is nothing I can do about it,
> 
> Been married for over 25 years. We care about each other, love each other. DW is a great wife, she will worry about me and I about her.
> People always point to us as having a great marriage. We do. We like spending time together, going out etc. And now 3 outta 4 kids are out of the house. Almost empty nesters and we are enjoying it.
> ...


Porn makes you find your wife less attractive. There are studies that prove this. The more you fill your mind with fake perfection and the unattainable, the less happy you will be with what you have. You have done this to yourself. Stop the porn, stop masturbating. You are slowly killing your wife. She knows something is off. Your attraction to her is on you. If she were to ever learn what you truly think of her, you will do irreparable damage to her self concept and your marriage. You are supposed to be the one that loves her and protects her, both physically and emotionally, not the one that hurts her by seeking out other women (even if only on a screen) for sexual pleasure. Nothing of what you have said says you love her. This is not love. Not even close. I can't help but wonder what kind of a perfect specimen of a man you must be to have the balls to look at your wife's body with such disdain. 

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Deleted. Not constructive.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

ishtov said:


> Wow.
> 
> some accused me of lying ) [/B]


Does your wife know that you actively betray her by seeking out sexual pleasure from other women so you can avoid sex with her?
If not, you are lying, and have been for decades. 






ishtov said:


> Over time, there have been periods when I watched no porn at all. But then something triggers, and back to it, I go. I know porn can be destructive, thus I try very much to put it in it's place. ).[/B]


So you have poor coping skills. Get a therapist. The only place for porn is in the trash. 



ishtov said:


> I did not mention in my OP, that I was informed later in life of some non-vanilla tendencies. As I said, DW was my first and only, so I have no real-world experience, only ideas and fantasies. We are all informed by the things we see or read, yet I was more insulated as a teenager (Ken Follet was a spicey as I had) and it took some time to discover. FetLife showed me that there are real-life people who enjoy alternate lifestyles, and this part is not so much from porn. I don't visit there often because of the jealously it raises in me.
> However, my DW is 100% vanilla. Yes, we discussed these things too. Zero interest. Oral and PIV, that's about it. (Me on her. She is game for doing bjs, but it does not work for me. I never got what guys see in it. Maybe it's technique? Does not matter, bottom line, nada). She offered to try some stuff, but to me, unless she wants it too, it makes it seem ridiculous. So here too, I see this as a sacrifice, something I will not be able to enjoy in this life. Sure, it's a choice, we all have choices, but it's not really - I don't *truly *have a choice. When balancing some extra pleasure vs. Life, Life wins. But, this is another reason I turn to some porn..[/B]


Another justification. Porn is what makes you unsatisfied. It's called the Coolidge Effect. Look it up. You are the one destroying your relationship. Check out the sites Fight The New Drug and nofap. It will open your eyes. 

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

AndStilliRise said:


> So you have poor coping skills. Get a therapist. The only place for porn is in the trash.
> 
> Another justification. Porn is what makes you unsatisfied. It's called the Coolidge Effect. Look it up. You are the one destroying your relationship. Check out the sites Fight The New Drug and nofap. It will open your eyes.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


So, you joined this forum 24h ago. And then joined the chorus. You clearly did NOT read the entire thread before spouting your wisdom, or you would have realized that you are regurgitating ideas and thoughts from previous comments to my original post. Maybe lurk a bit. Maybe use a computer, instead of posting from your phone, where you probably skipped over all the words previously written... 🙄


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

ishtov said:


> So, you joined this forum 24h ago. And then joined the chorus. You clearly did NOT read the entire thread before spouting your wisdom, or you would have realized that you are regurgitating ideas and thoughts from previous comments to my original post. Maybe lurk a bit. Maybe use a computer, instead of posting from your phone, where you probably skipped over all the words previously written...


Actually I joined 4 years ago but got locked out of my other email so I started over. What does it matter if I had joined one day ago? Can you point me to the forum rule that states that people can only post if their opinion hasn't already been stated by someone else so no repeats allowed?

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

AndStilliRise said:


> Actually I joined 4 years ago but got locked out of my other email so I started over. What does it matter if I had joined one day ago? Can you point me to the forum rule that states that people can only post if their opinion hasn't already been stated by someone else so no repeats allowed?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


Rule? No rule. Just common sense, decency, not wasting time, and actually trying to help instead of just shouting the same-old to make yourself heard. Joining a conversation at the end, and not reading what went on before, is lazy and disrespectful. Moreover, your main points have been addressed and/or are being considered, and are thus superfluous. 
Good day to you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

@ishtov , did you suggested sexy lingerie for sex now and then? It might help you to see her body differently when all dressed up like that for you. With time maybe it would help you to overcome your indifference to her body.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I would think that if you laid off the porn long enough, your sec drive would have her looking like a goddess.
I do want to say that it surprises me that you see your wife as unatttactive. Mine always was my wife..... I didn’t really think about what she looked like. (She was heavy after kids, too). With the lights off, I only saw her as the day we married. Pretty much that way with lights on, too.
Most importantly, she knew just what I liked and gave it to me. I had zero desire to have sex with another woman. I would think you’d feel that way, too, if only because I see things from my own perspective.

Not judging you on the porn. ive watched it, too. But I do think it’s a habit with you and one that would help you a lot if you broke it. Once every couple if days IS an addiction, especially if you can’t seem to keep yourself away from it.
Consider putting it behind you, and why would you maturbate with a willing wife present? Makes no sense. Lay off and build some hormones and go ravish your wife like she deserves. 
She works out 4 or 5 times a week? Damn, your wife deserves some passionate sex from you....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I bet if you never started watching porn, you wouldn't be comparing her body to those fake bodies that are all you see in porn. You'd never be able to attract someone who was built like that in real life unless you paid high priced prostitutes. No matter how good you think you look, young women wouldn't be interested in you, much less ones who could literally take their pick of men. Those porn actresses are pumped full of silicone and starve for a living and are paid to do what they do and look how they look. Your wife is a real woman, a normal woman of her age. She deserves better than you turning your nose up at the body you take ownership in ruining -- but age ruins bodies anyway, even without kids, so don't beat yourself up about it. 

Accept your age and situation and stop creating problems for yourself. You are very lucky to have a wife you love, and especially one who has a higher sex drive than most. You're doubling down on sex by having it with her and alone. Nothing wrong with masturbation, but if you're having trouble keeping up with your wife, why the masturbation? 

All that said, I'll tell you what I tell every woman with a husband who has a higher sex drive than them (which is most), and that is you don't have to have sex every time she wants it. Just tell her you're slowing down if that's the case. But first stop porn and see if that doesn't get you back more interested in your wife, because it's turning your head and giving you unreasonable expectations. You are basically a man without a problem but you're making one by watching porn and comparing yourself to that. None of those ladies are ever going to have sex with you. And please don't start spending the family's money on prostitutes. You have it so good.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I disagree with him not finding hot women he could have sex with. But I can tell you from experience that a hot body with no mutual feelings is nothing fabulous. 
OP is making typical greener grass lust


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

I am still trying to lay off the porn, hopefully, that will help more as time goes by.
I just bought her a sexy top - she has an ample bosom and this will certainly bring it out (for bedroom use only - she would not be caught dead in it in public). 
I am also truly trying to concentrate on her good features.
Going outside is not an option - I will never actually cheat on her. Also, besides that, I am a kinda clean freak and prostitutes are something I would never consider in any case, married or not.

*The overall perspective *I got here is that I really don't have a problem, certainly not next to some of the issues other members here are facing.
We really do love each other - she is truly a wonderful wife and, I am a darn good husband (this issue notwithstanding) or she would not be with me.
Thanks all.


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## paco2000 (Aug 23, 2019)

You sound like a very good man (your user name).
Lay off the porn as it does affect relationships badly.
I was in the same situation as you are in (of course I would never leave my wife as I really believe she is the best thing that happened to me aside from our children), my wife changed her diet and lost 55 kg (about 130 pounds) in her forties after 3 children, we are both in our later 40's and practicing yoga on a regular basis.
I would recommend for both of you to start training, in whatever you like, both of you together.
It really helps us physically, and doing yoga together is great.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you are entitled to "be happy" and' find another woman.
This entitlement state of mind is what causing a lot of problems where other people find themselves here looking for advice.
We are Jewish from Israel, our mentality is different, not necessarily better, but different.
Shabat Shalom.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> @ishtov , did you suggested *sexy lingerie for sex now and then? It might help you to see her body differently* when all dressed up like that for you. With time maybe it would help you to overcome your indifference to her body.


A long time ago, while in college, I took up fly fishing and tying my own dry flies.

It is amazing how instinctively a fish will go after little bits of fur, fluff, and feathers that look little like real flies. It was always amazing to try slightly different variations to see what worked best. To get good at it takes time and dedication, something most folks don't have.

What ishtov may not understand is that humans can also be "programed" to instinctively respond to a little bit of lace, fur and fluff. Part of the problem is that for his wife to do a B.F. Skinner or Pavlovian conditioning of his sexual response would be desire on the part of his wife to experiment in finding out what work on him and then perform the repeated conditioning once she learns his triggers.

At this point she may have little desire in doing that. I see he bought her a "sexy top." in a recent post of his. Hopefully this is something that she wanted and feels comfortable wearing. It would have been better to have allowed her to pick somethings out that made her feel sexy and let her "cast the bait."

I feel strongly after a while that spouses know what each other is thinking even if words are not said. I think couples communicate a lot of information non-verbally. I am sure his wife knows he doesn't like her body no matter what he says or does.

Still, I am a strong believer in trying to salvage a marriage with professional counseling or at least trying to figure out if the marriage can be saved.

I wish the OP luck in figuring out how to change himself to be a better spouse and regain the love of his W and the passion for her..


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It appears OP isn't tuned in, and no longer reading.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It appears OP isn't tuned in, and no longer reading.


Well, when you are God's gift to women and your wife doesn't measure up to your standards, you don't want to hear that YOU might not be so perfect after all.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think he responded plenty, and had shown that he understood most of our points. But at this point is just repeating the same. He needs to work on it and that’s it. Desire is not something we have control over, and he will have to try to rewire his brain


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## CC22 (Nov 18, 2020)

ishtov said:


> This is more of a vent, a blog type post, than a question. Because there is nothing I can do about it,
> 
> Been married for over 25 years. We care about each other, love each other. DW is a great wife, she will worry about me and I about her.
> People always point to us as having a great marriage. We do. We like spending time together, going out etc. And now 3 outta 4 kids are out of the house. Almost empty nesters and we are enjoying it.
> ...


As a BBW myself and my husband being a active healthy male I am on the opposite end of this. From my own experience, my best advice is to leave. 

Men don't realize how much porn or other women affect our self esteem. It is disrespectful to her. Please if you love her as you say you do then leave. Be honest with her about it and in the end she will be greatful. She will find the person who is obsessed with her body who will love to be with her. 

If you can't stand the thought of her being with another man, then I suggest you seek counseling for yourself. Women have amazing bodies that create life and men have to accept that.


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