# Why does my wife think she can "do her thing" instead of getting a job??



## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Can someone help me understand why my wife thinks she can stay home and keep risking money on “ventures?”

Our two kids are 10 And 12. Early in our marriage we both worked full time jobs, then she stayed at home the last 5-6 years after getting laid off from her 6 figure job. Instead of getting another job, she wanted to start some home based business, but it didn’t work out and before she stopped that failure, she started a podcast! Neither one has made a dime. In fact, she lost at least $50K in the first venture and refuses to shut it down, claiming it is about to become profitable. I want her to stop the craziness and go get a real job!!

Her argument is that she has been paying “her” bills just like she did when she had a job prior to staying home. All she pays is the utilities, food, and when we eat out, claiming she pays $20-30K of the bills. No way does she pay that much! I pay the major bills like insurance and taxes and she should foot at least half the bills, especially if she thinks she has the right to sit home and gamble on some venture that has been losing money for years. Our house is paid off so there is no mortgage and I still make 6 figures, otherwise I’d be going berserk!

Her complaint is that she should be able to do what she wants with “her” money since she made the money prior to us getting married (she was 40 when we had our 2nd child). Even though she had the money prior to marriage, she doesn’t have the right to lose it … we have kids to raise and put through college.

Why can’t she see how wrong she is!! Can anyone help me understand the mind of a self-absorbed woman??


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sorry, I cannot help you understand the mind of a self-absorbed woman. Since you are posting here, all I can do is offer you my perspective. 

Okay, so you claim she pays for utilities and food. Neither of these budget items are cheap. Still, even with that, I'm going to assume you also pay a mortgage. I think the issue you are grappling with is her stance that the funds she had prior to marriage are hers to fritter away as she so desires. Actually, she does have that right. The problem that enters this equation is whether or not she is also dipping into your funds to finance her business ventures.

I will say this: People who have been married before and enter another marriage with significant assets have a right to protect their assets. Granted, that is merely my opinion. I will also offer another idea I have on this: Money arguments are often not about money, per se. They are more about power and control. After all, money plays a large role in our society because it is often equated with said power and control.

Have the two of you sat down and had a calm discussion about finances? Is that even possible? I'd suggest that rather than trying to understand HER mind, you work at understanding YOUR stance on the issues at hand. After all, you are posting here, not her. What say you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> Can someone help me understand why my wife thinks she can stay home and keep risking money on “ventures?”
> 
> Our two kids are 10 And 12. Early in our marriage we both worked full time jobs, then she stayed at home the last 5-6 years after getting laid off from her 6 figure job. Instead of getting another job, she wanted to start some home based business, but it didn’t work out and before she stopped that failure, she started a podcast! Neither one has made a dime. In fact, she lost at least $50K in the first venture and refuses to shut it down, claiming it is about to become profitable. I want her to stop the craziness and go get a real job!!
> 
> ...


I think she can do what she wants as long as it isn't denting anything besides her money she had before marriage.

If the marriage is otherwise satisfying, I would say you have it pretty good.

I'm traditional though for full disclosure.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Sorry, I cannot help you understand the mind of a self-absorbed woman. Since you are posting here, all I can do is offer you my perspective.
> 
> Okay, so you claim she pays for utilities and food. Neither of these budget items are cheap. Still, even with that, I'm going to assume you also pay a mortgage. I think the issue you are grappling with is her stance that the funds she had prior to marriage are hers to fritter away as she so desires. Actually, she does have that right. The problem that enters this equation is whether or not she is also dipping into your funds to finance her business ventures.
> 
> ...


I bought the house for cash so no mortgage. She "upgraded it," spending only about $30K. Some how she's entitled to do what she wants.

Thanks for the advice, maybe we can have a sit down but we've been married 12 years and no assets have been combined. Hers are hers and mine are mine. Didn't really think about creating a "joint" since we are both independent minded.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I think she can do what she wants as long as it isn't denting anything besides her money she had before marriage.
> 
> If the marriage is otherwise satisfying, I would say you have it pretty good.
> 
> I'm traditional though for full disclosure.


Well, in some ways we have it good. We have 2 great kids. Our house is paid off (thanks to me). I have a 6 figure job. But we are not connected as a couple so I'm not sure if the marriage is otherwise satisfying. She says I "tell her what to do" all the time instead of "asking." Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> Well, in some ways we have it good. We have 2 great kids. Our house is paid off (thanks to me). I have a 6 figure job. But we are not connected as a couple so I'm not sure if the marriage is otherwise satisfying. She says I "tell her what to do" all the time instead of "asking." Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.


There you go. I'm going to have to side with your Mrs. on this one but you can't be this unaware of self?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So for her venture that is losing money -- have you sat with her to have her explain the books to you?
IS the gross starting to creep up to maybe FINALLY surpass the costs? Have HER show you where/when she expects it to start turning profit. Tell her you are interested in the business (and you should be since SHE is involved in it).
Maybe she IS just about to start turning a profit.

As for the other stuff -- do you have a running track record of all expenses for your family for at least 6 months? THEN you can sit and discuss the costs, etc. that you both are paying for, and if you think it is too heavily on your side, then TALK to her about it.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I don't know how to have separate accounts with my husband. We share everything, and I think this has helped us having the same financial goals. We watch our money because it's both our money in one account. 

My kids are the same age as yours. I stopped working full time about 12 years ago, when we decided I would stay home with our kids. Now I work part time, hours here and there. I am an independent contractor, so I guess I have my own business too, but I don't do any home based sales or ventures. I do jobs for companies and they pay me for my services.

I have a friend who's into selling stuff. She's sold pampered chef, lululemon, thirty one, nail stuff, etc. I don't think she has made her investment money back, but she keeps on investing in new "business ventures."
I remember women investing a lot of money on lululemon leggings. They were the hottest thing 10 years ago. Now you can find them at the thrift store, piles of their products, brand new with tags on. I feel sorry for whoever had to get rid of their inventory. I'm sure they lost a lot of money. 

I really hate selling those products, I think they are a scam, and they prey on SAHM like me! 

What about your wife finding a regular part time job and also keeping her business on the side? What kind of venture is she doing?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why wouldn’t your wife continue to think that? It’s worked so far. You obviously can’t force her to work at a real job if she doesn’t want to. There have been men over the years who have shown up here with a similar problem. None of them ever came back to say they were happy to report that the problem was solved. My guess was that it wasn‘t. I’m afraid yours may not be either — at least not without her feelings getting seriously ruffled. Are you prepared to do that?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I see there may be a problem with an unequal divide of the effort in the household. The OP has applied his income to pay off debt, while his wife has refused to get back into the workforce (or to upgrade her skills so that she can get another job, if she's uncompetitive right now). I'm not sure why the OP isn't getting more support here. If we were reading about a guy who chilled around the house all day and dabbled in this and that, while his wife busted her tail, we'd be all over him for not stepping up. Not sure why it's different here.

I had a similar issue when married. I was fortunate enough to make pretty good money back then and know how to manage it well. I made about 2.5x what my ex did and worked harder than she did as well. Her attitude was "my money my choices" and implied it's up to the guy to support his wife and family. It was infuriating to see that she lived better than me because we both couldn't live her lifestyle (lots of clothes, lunches out with friends) and still pay the bills. I reasonably expected her to work as hard as I did and be a true partner.

Baffled, your post sounds like the frustration I felt, so I sympathize. But people's attitudes are what they are. If your wife is fine with you working hard while she starts to wind down her career / productivity, you'll have to accept that this is the way it will be, or move on; the likelihood of her changing her behavior after years of not having to grind at work is low.

Your situation is not unique. I can think of two couples - both friends of mine - off the top of my head with this dynamic. The ladies feel it's the guy's job to bring home the bacon and if she's got a soft life, then that's just the natural order of things. And we're not talking about little kids in the picture: one has one child and the other have two children, all college-aged. The ladies still feel "I did my job running the household - he can support us for the next 20 years". I wouldn't put up with it, but that doesn't make that attitude any less real.

You're probably headed for some difficult choices ahead. Good luck.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Why wouldn’t your wife continue to think that? It’s worked so far. You obviously can’t force her to work at a real job if she doesn’t want to. There have been men over the years who have shown up here with a similar problem. None of them ever came back to say they were happy to report that the problem was solved. My guess was that it wasn‘t. I’m afraid yours may not be either — at least not without her feelings getting seriously ruffled. Are you prepared to do that?


It's not a pleasant thought, but if you divorced her she'd probably have to get a job and support herself and the kids to a substantial extent. You can't force her to work, but similarly she cannot force you to stay married and provide a free ride to her. Also, keeping her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed is a myth unless perhaps you are super-wealthy. There is a fixed amount of money that now would have to fund two households. If you really are pulling everyone's weight, and she's throwing away money on her ventures while you're supporting her, is there a possibility that you'll be better off alone financially.

I know I was far better off alone in a financial sense. Maybe do some planning to see where you stand, at least that way you'll have a full understanding of your situation before you act.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.


Uh, no. And that's a hard no. The way YOU do things are entirely correct for YOU; not necessarily HER. I hope you can see how ^^this^^ mindset could be causing some issues.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> There you go. I'm going to have to side with your Mrs. on this one but you can't be this unaware of self?


I'm going to back up the OP on this one. If he's been grinding and supporting the family the years while she just dropped out of her career after getting laid off, then yeah he's going to not be pleasant and be stressed out. Being the sole breadwinner is super-stressful.

Look at the ladies who say that their partners don't step up and pull their weight around the house. These men earn the money but then pretty much come home and don't do much. Our advice to them is that when you have a family, just bringing in the money generally isn't enough; you have to be contributing to all aspects of family life. We also tell him that if she's stressed out, denies sex, etc. due to his behavior, it's his own fault.

This here is just the flip side of the coin. The OP's wife feels that she just needs to do a little around the house (kids like theirs generally are in school all day and don't require a ton of care and oversight like young children do). The same thing applies in this situation. We'd never tell a lady that "we'll he doesn't really pull his weight but he's a good dude so you should get off his back".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It always amazes me when I hear people say that being a stay at home parent is 'chilling round the house all day', or that it's only the one who works outside the house who is working. 
Whether the work we do is paid or not makes no difference. If one parent is the one who works at running the home, caring for children with all that entails then they are definitely working. 
I also never get this 'yours and mine' thing. In marriage I see everything as joint, joint income, joint bills, joint bank account, joint home etc. 
If you earn a 6 figure income and the house is paid off it's not as if you even need more money. It's also really nice for children to have a parent at home, especially for the long school holidays or when they are sick. 
You make your marriage sound like a competition rather than a loving commitment where the two people are a team.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DTO said:


> I'm going to back up the OP on this one. If he's been grinding and supporting the family the years while she just dropped out of her career after getting laid off, then yeah he's going to not be pleasant and be stressed out. Being the sole breadwinner is super-stressful.
> 
> Look at the ladies who say that their partners don't step up and pull their weight around the house. These men earn the money but then pretty much come home and don't do much. Our advice to them is that when you have a family, just bringing in the money generally isn't enough; you have to be contributing to all aspects of family life. We also tell him that if she's stressed out, denies sex, etc. due to his behavior, it's his own fault.
> 
> This here is just the flip side of the coin. The OP's wife feels that she just needs to do a little around the house (kids like theirs generally are in school all day and don't require a ton of care and oversight like young children do). The same thing applies in this situation. We'd never tell a lady that "we'll he doesn't really pull his weight but he's a good dude so you should get off his back".


For a non traditional, "modernized, feminized" man, your take is spot on.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Unless you are suffering financially, I don't see the problem. I pay for almost everything, because I make 3 times what my wife makes. Your wife pays for some bills and she looks after the kids and the house. Yes, she has assets, but it's her money. I think, OP, you have a strange concept of "marriage". If you don't like it, maybe marriage is not for you.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.


I feel like I should get that framed and put it up on the wall.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> I feel like I should get that framed and put it up on the wall.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> For a non traditional, "modernized, feminized" man, your take is spot on.


I agree.

Op you guys are a team, this doesn’t mean dividing every single thing 50/50. She is taking care of the family and house, she is doing the more traditional role. She isn’t spending your money still. 

Do you do any housework? Cooking? Cleaning? Laundry? Staying up when the kids are sick?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is your wife's name on the deed to the house?


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So for her venture that is losing money -- have you sat with her to have her explain the books to you?
> IS the gross starting to creep up to maybe FINALLY surpass the costs? Have HER show you where/when she expects it to start turning profit. Tell her you are interested in the business (and you should be since SHE is involved in it).
> Maybe she IS just about to start turning a profit.
> 
> As for the other stuff -- do you have a running track record of all expenses for your family for at least 6 months? THEN you can sit and discuss the costs, etc. that you both are paying for, and if you think it is too heavily on your side, then TALK to her about it.


OK, I should have mentioned what she's doing. Daytrading stocks, options & futures. I don't event think that is a business but that is what she calls it. I call it gambling and nobody ever makes any money at it. She thinks she can make more than I do! I've told her if she hasn't figured it out after 6 years, she never will. She said it is more like 3 years, since she spent a lot of time of her other wasted "venture," her podcast. 3 years, 6 years, quit wasting time and money!


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> There you go. I'm going to have to side with your Mrs. on this one but you can't be this unaware of self?


Um, side with the Mrs? So she can keep doing what she's doing? Sorry, I'm not following about being unaware of self. What am I not aware of?


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't know how to have separate accounts with my husband. We share everything, and I think this has helped us having the same financial goals. We watch our money because it's both our money in one account.
> 
> My kids are the same age as yours. I stopped working full time about 12 years ago, when we decided I would stay home with our kids. Now I work part time, hours here and there. I am an independent contractor, so I guess I have my own business too, but I don't do any home based sales or ventures. I do jobs for companies and they pay me for my services.
> 
> ...


Getting married late in life has its advantages and disadvantages. One of the disadvantages is "mine" and "yours" plus being very independent. I suppose it never occurred to us to create a combined account where all income is deposited and all bills paid out of. We probably would have done that had we married in our 20's but I was 50 and she was near 40.

Yeah, as much as those avon, lulumon, chef and other MLM type of businesses are a sham, at least it is obvious when they are not working. Piles of inventory say, "quit!"

I'm on her case big time to get a FULL time job. I should have mentioned, her "business" is day-trading stocks, options & futures. She calls it a "business," I call it GAMBLING and she is ADDICTED!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The kids are 10 and 12. She definitely could be working a real job.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Why wouldn’t your wife continue to think that? It’s worked so far. You obviously can’t force her to work at a real job if she doesn’t want to. There have been men over the years who have shown up here with a similar problem. None of them ever came back to say they were happy to report that the problem was solved. My guess was that it wasn‘t. I’m afraid yours may not be either — at least not without her feelings getting seriously ruffled. Are you prepared to do that?


That's right. For the past 6 years it has worked GREAT for her. She does whatever she wants with her "business" (day-trading & podcast), not making a DIME while I do all the work to ACTUALLY make money to support our family. I disagree about forcing her to work. i AM forcing her to work since I told her to get a FULL TIME job or I'll divorce her. So yeah, I don't care about her feelings any more. She doesn't care about me or the family or she'd have a JOB! So I don't care about her anymore until she can pull her weight.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> That's right. For the past 6 years it has worked GREAT for her. She does whatever she wants with her "business" (day-trading & podcast), not making a DIME while I do all the work to ACTUALLY make money to support our family. I disagree about forcing her to work. i AM forcing her to work since I told her to get a FULL TIME job or I'll divorce her. So yeah, I don't care about her feelings any more. She doesn't care in about me or the family or she'd have a JOB! So I don't care about her anymore until she can pull her weight.


Wow. You seem like a very angry person who thinks that threats are ok. Who does most of the work at home? Shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare? Who will be there for them when they are ill or on school holidays?
We didn't marry till we were age 49 and 50. We still share everything and it's all 'ours'. I see little point in getting married if you are going to live like house mates. You earn lots of money. Think of your children.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

DTO said:


> I see there may be a problem with an unequal divide of the effort in the household. The OP has applied his income to pay off debt, while his wife has refused to get back into the workforce (or to upgrade her skills so that she can get another job, if she's uncompetitive right now). I'm not sure why the OP isn't getting more support here. If we were reading about a guy who chilled around the house all day and dabbled in this and that, while his wife busted her tail, we'd be all over him for not stepping up. Not sure why it's different here.
> 
> I had a similar issue when married. I was fortunate enough to make pretty good money back then and know how to manage it well. I made about 2.5x what my ex did and worked harder than she did as well. Her attitude was "my money my choices" and implied it's up to the guy to support his wife and family. It was infuriating to see that she lived better than me because we both couldn't live her lifestyle (lots of clothes, lunches out with friends) and still pay the bills. I reasonably expected her to work as hard as I did and be a true partner.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply, I'm glad somebody on this post sees MY side of the story that she is lazy and needs to step up and support the family instead of wasting more time on stupid ventures (her podcast and worse, day-trading!). 
You make a good point and I've already decided NOT to accept the way it is but to MOVE ON if she doesn't get a real job. I told her to get a FULL TIME job or get out of the house! She is already banished to the basement to sleep (her office is down there too). If it were not for our children, she would already be GONE!
In my case she doesn't even do all the household. Yeah, she does dishes, breakfast, sometimes lunch, vacuums, cleans, laundry and a few other things but I do most all the time consuming things like cooking dinner, helping both kids with their homework and piano PLUS hold down a demanding job!


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Livvie said:


> The kids are 10 and 12. She definitely could be working a real job.


Thanks! That is my point, the kids are old enough for her to step up and get a FULL TIME job!


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It always amazes me when I hear people say that being a stay at home parent is 'chilling round the house all day', or that it's only the one who works outside the house who is working.
> Whether the work we do is paid or not makes no difference. If one parent is the one who works at running the home, caring for children with all that entails then they are definitely working.
> I also never get this 'yours and mine' thing. In marriage I see everything as joint, joint income, joint bills, joint bank account, joint home etc.
> If you earn a 6 figure income and the house is paid off it's not as if you even need more money. It's also really nice for children to have a parent at home, especially for the long school holidays or when they are sick.
> You make your marriage sound like a competition rather than a loving commitment where the two people are a team.


I agree with you that stay home parenting IS hard work in the early years but our kids are 10 & 12. They are at school most of the day so she can get a FULL time job like I have. The kids don't need a baby sitter or anything if they happen to be home for 2-3 hours by themselves after school. Besides, since Covid I can work from home and don't expect I'll ever have to go back into the office so the kids will never be home alone.

Yes, we DO need the money. It all affects the bottom line. We have to think about funding college and retirement. Having the mortgage paid off, there are still lots of bills like insurance, taxes, maintenance, and kids fees for activities like soccer, piano, tennis and such.

I'd like our marriage to be a team but with her LOSING money and not stepping up to contribute financially, I'm not going to let her take advantage of me!


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Wow. You seem like a very angry person who thinks that threats are ok. Who does most of the work at home? Shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare? Who will be there for them when they are ill or on school holidays?
> We didn't marry till we were age 49 and 50. We still share everything and it's all 'ours'. I see little point in getting married if you are going to live like house mates. You earn lots of money. Think of your children.


You might be angry too if your husband (I assume ... since your name is Diana) stayed home losing money on "his" podcast and day-trading when HE could get a real job and contribute to the family. But for some reason it is OK for a woman to do it. In addition to my very demanding job, I do most of the work at home. I do all the cooking, helping the kids with a LOT of homework and their piano. All she does is the regular housework and breakfast.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

She'd have a better chance at making money by joining the NBA than she would with a podcast. What's her podcast about? How to day trade successfully? If so, she's like many other podcasters who preach about how to do things that they, themselves, are not able to do.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok. So you have separate finances but you want to control her finances. That’s not how it works. If it is separate then it’s separate. Not only do you not get a say in how her pre-marriage money is spent you don’t get a say in post marriage money either.

money is simple. If it is 50/50 then you two should be able to sit down add up the yearly bills and split them. Have a joint account you deposit bill money in. This is commonly done with separate finance situations.

beyond that you don’t get to dictate her money and job. Just as she doesn’t get to dictate your money and job. Sounds like chores are split about 50/50 with her doing housework breakfast and lunch and you doing homework and dinner.

You never answered if both your names are on the deed. I’m guessing no it’s just yours. So it was nice of you to buy the house but it’s an appreciable asset so no real skin off your nose.

not sure how the courts will view this so she might be entitled to half upon divorce if you two don’t have a prenup.

so your wive living in the basement because you decided that’s where she gets to live. What does she say? I mean I’d be divorcing you. You seem controlling, unfeeling and obsessed with money that you don’t share. I’m sure you are a peach in bed too where you tell her how she isn’t doing things right.

she going to get a job or divorce you? Are you two going to find a way to determine terms amicably or get lawyers? Ohhh I hope lawyers. I mean you don’t sound like the amicable type.

BTW. I hope you want a divorce because studies around TAM show that men that use that threat to get their own way generally find themselves divorced within about 5 years or in a really miserable marriage because it shuts down all good feelings from the wife. The wife who might soldier on for a few years for the kids to be older or for her to get in a better position but dead marriage. Have you made the classic mistake of using this threat more than once?

mid suggest you consult an attorney to see what the divorce will look like if not done amicably. I think you will find you have some powerful incentives to make it amicable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> Thanks for your reply, I'm glad somebody on this post sees MY side of the story that she is lazy and needs to step up and support the family instead of wasting more time on stupid ventures (her podcast and worse, day-trading!).
> You make a good point and I've already decided NOT to accept the way it is but to MOVE ON if she doesn't get a real job. I told her to get a FULL TIME job or get out of the house! She is already banished to the basement to sleep (her office is down there too). If it were not for our children, she would already be GONE!
> In my case she doesn't even do all the household. Yeah, she does dishes, breakfast, sometimes lunch, vacuums, cleans, laundry and a few other things but I do most all the time consuming things like cooking dinner, helping both kids with their homework and piano PLUS hold down a demanding job!


Banished to the basement? Can you hear yourself???
This is your wife who you are supposed to love but clearly don't.
If a man threatened me in that way I would be done.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BTW I’ve averaged better than the market this year with my day trading. I’ve hit 70% annualized.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> You might be angry too if your husband (I assume ... since your name is Diana) stayed home losing money on "his" podcast and day-trading when HE could get a real job and contribute to the family. But for some reason it is OK for a woman to do it. In addition to my very demanding job, I do most of the work at home. I do all the cooking, helping the kids with a LOT of homework and their piano. All she does is the regular housework and breakfast.


You don’t do all the cooking. You said earlier she does breakfast and lunch. And I thought you said the house was paid for? 

It seems you don’t realize how much your wife does. 

What did your wife say when you told her you will divorce her if she doesn’t get a full-time job?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> BTW I’ve averaged better than the market this year with my day trading. I’ve hit 70% annualized.


Same. I made a lot of money since the crash.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> Well, in some ways we have it good. We have 2 great kids. Our house is paid off (thanks to me). I have a 6 figure job. But we are not connected as a couple so I'm not sure if the marriage is otherwise satisfying. She says I "tell her what to do" all the time instead of "asking." Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.


There you are, she gave you the answers. It seems like you are the one who feels she should be contributing more financially while she sees no reason for it and quite honestly with what you make my question would be why do you feel she needs to contribute more. I understand why you would be upset that she is still invested in a business venture that is losing money, I do get that. However, if she is sitting on money that was hers prior to the marriage and she is not taking from you to lose your money to her venture, what she chooses to do with her money really isn't a choice you can make for her.

My ex and I kept our finances separate and it actually worked well. He bought things with his money that I too thought was frivolous. He liked electronic gadgets and I am not a technology person so I saw it as him wasting money. He would pay $75 for an old nickle as an investment which again I thought was a waste of money as I did not see the future in his coin collection. He wasn't using any of my money to make these purchases however and we were being shorted financially in any way because he made these choices. 

With the statement that you made: She says I "tell her what to do" all the time instead of "asking." Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.
I think the problem is not as much about money as it is the way she feels you are treating her. The statement comes across with the idea that you feel that you know what is best for her and are upset that she is not taking your advise.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok. So you have separate finances but you want to control her finances. That’s not how it works. If it is separate then it’s separate. Not only do you not get a say in how her pre-marriage money is spent you don’t get a say in post marriage money either.
> 
> money is simple. If it is 50/50 then you two should be able to sit down add up the yearly bills and split them. Have a joint account you deposit bill money in. This is commonly done with separate finance situations.
> 
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You've banished her to the basement so basically your marriage is over. Think you're going to be a hot commodity on the open market? Think again.

At this point, if she does get a full-time job it won't be long before she'll be hiring an attorney.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You've banished her to the basement so basically your marriage is over. Think you're going to be a hot commodity on the open market? Think again.
> 
> At this point, if she does get a full-time job it won't be long before she'll be hiring an attorney.


He will be a hot commodity for women who want his money. This wife doesn’t but at his age and disposition the next one will.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> That's right. For the past 6 years it has worked GREAT for her. She does whatever she wants with her "business" (day-trading & podcast), not making a DIME while I do all the work to ACTUALLY make money to support our family. I disagree about forcing her to work. i AM forcing her to work since I told her to get a FULL TIME job or I'll divorce her. So yeah, I don't care about her feelings any more. She doesn't care about me or the family or she'd have a JOB! So I don't care about her anymore until she can pull her weight.


Divorce is obviously the ultimate threat to force change. Just make sure you’re willing to back it up if she doesn’t get a full-time job because otherwise it becomes just an empty threat.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> She says I "tell her what to do" all the time instead of "asking." Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.


This shows that you have absolutely no regard for your wife's point of view, that you actually just view her position as so far beneath you that it's not even worthy of contempt and absolutely no consideration for her as an individual woman with her own interests as to how she wants to spend her own time and money.

She doesn't see eye to eye with you on this issue. That doesn't make her wrong or doing it wrong because she disagrees with you.

When someone disagrees with you and takes a different course than you, it doesn't mean they are doing it wrong.

Your wife does quite a bit and helps out financially quite a bit more than a lot of wives.

I think you have it pretty good.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> That's right. For the past 6 years it has worked GREAT for her. She does whatever she wants with her "business" (day-trading & podcast), not making a DIME while I do all the work to ACTUALLY make money to support our family. I disagree about forcing her to work. i AM forcing her to work since I told her to get a FULL TIME job or I'll divorce her. So yeah, I don't care about her feelings any more. She doesn't care about me or the family or she'd have a JOB! So I don't care about her anymore until she can pull her weight.


Good gravy! I don't think marriage is for you sir.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> For a non traditional, "modernized, feminized" man, your take is spot on.


Not sure what you mean by that.

I will say that it's not about the money so much as the investment of effort. If this guy is making six figures, he's busting it to do so. Independent of the money, is she working as hard as he? If he's gone 12 hours a day between work and commute, is she matching his effort around the home?

I've done the SAHD thing, with a special needs boy and a toddler girl. If you're organized and productive it just isn't that hard once your kids are past that helpless infant stage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DTO said:


> Not sure what you mean by that.
> 
> I will say that it's not about the money so much as the investment of effort. If this guy is making six figures, he's busting it to do so. Independent of the money, is she working as hard as he? If he's gone 12 hours a day between work and commute, is she matching his effort around the home?
> 
> I've done the SAHD thing, with a special needs boy and a toddler girl. If you're organized and productive it just isn't that hard once your kids are past that helpless infant stage.


I'm a traditional man which places me on the opposite end of the spectrum from the OP.

I'm probably pretty far away from you as well.

I raised my sons to be the primary provider regardless of the financial status of their wives.

I did read some of your examples and it seems like the men were almost subservient to and just there to facilitate the lifestyle of their wives.

I'm definitely not advocating that scenario but I'm not getting the feeling that is happening here.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So many men complain about having to pay spousal support in the event of divorce when there's been a stay at home wife for a long time, long past little kids at home age situation. The comments given are, well you decided to stay with a woman who refused to get a job and contribute financially to the marriage so that's what you get.

Here we have a poster who is being proactive, he _doesn't want to be in that situation_, a situation with a wife who refuses to get a full time job and contribute to the marriage financially, and he is getting slammed for his position.

WTF.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Livvie said:


> So many men complain about having to pay spousal support in the event of divorce when there's been a stay at home wife for a long time, long past little kids at home age situation. The comments given are, well you decided to stay with a woman who refused to get a job and contribute financially to the marriage so that's what you get.
> 
> Here we have a poster who is being proactive, he _doesn't want to be in that situation_, a situation with a wife who refuses to get a full time job and contribute to the marriage financially, and he is getting slammed for his position.
> 
> WTF.


Except she is contributing financially. His big ***** is she is doing it with money she has saved instead of a job. 
Besides we agree they should divorce.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

PS. I can only day trade part time as I have a full time job. I'd make a lot more money if I could see each change in the market real time. I also invest a ton of time in research for my trades. It is a very time consuming, time intensive job.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DTO said:


> Not sure what you mean by that.
> 
> I will say that it's not about the money so much as the investment of effort. If this guy is making six figures, he's busting it to do so. Independent of the money, is she working as hard as he? If he's gone 12 hours a day between work and commute, is she matching his effort around the home?
> 
> I've done the SAHD thing, with a special needs boy and a toddler girl. If you're organized and productive it just isn't that hard once your kids are past that helpless infant stage.





DTO said:


> Not sure what you mean by that.
> 
> I will say that it's not about the money so much as the investment of effort. If this guy is making six figures, he's busting it to do so. Independent of the money, is she working as hard as he? If he's gone 12 hours a day between work and commute, is she matching his effort around the home?
> 
> I've done the SAHD thing, with a special needs boy and a toddler girl. If you're organized and productive it just isn't that hard once your kids are past that helpless infant stage.


Lots of people earn 6 figures without having to bust a gut and be out 12 hours a day. He has already said he works from home so has no commuting time either.
I bought up three children and ran a home, plus sometimes had part time jobs. It was a very tiring 24/7 job especially as 2 of them had a chronic health condition. My then husband used to say he would far rather go out to work than do what I did and he had quite a stressful job working at a very large and mega busy airport on shifts.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> So many men complain about having to pay spousal support in the event of divorce when there's been a stay at home wife for a long time, long past little kids at home age situation. The comments given are, well you decided to stay with a woman who refused to get a job and contribute financially to the marriage so that's what you get.
> 
> Here we have a poster who is being proactive, he _doesn't want to be in that situation_, a situation with a wife who refuses to get a full time job and contribute to the marriage financially, and he is getting slammed for his position.
> 
> WTF.


If he didn't want a wife who stayed at home to care for the children and run the place he should have made that clear before they married.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Except she is contributing financially. His big *** is she is doing it with money she has saved instead of a job.
> Besides we agree they should divorce.


No point being married as he clearly doesn't love her.


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## suburbanmom (May 28, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Except she is contributing financially. His big *** is she is doing it with money she has saved instead of a job.
> Besides we agree they should divorce.


In the present, I agree. Though I got the sense that his gripe is that college is looming, and she is spending down her savings while he is leaving his intact to fund college (and later retirement). So he anticipates her running out of funds just in time to let him foot the bills for both. 

Fwiw I was a sahm for years, we were married young, and we've always shared finances. But we've always been working equally hard (paid or not) to accomplish shared goals.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Anastasia6 said:


> Except she is contributing financially. His big *** is she is doing it with money she has saved instead of a job.
> Besides we agree they should divorce.


Running through savings to pay some bills, while blowing more savings on day trading losses, isn't really contributing anything financially. It's just draining savings.

But, yes. They should just end it. I don't see them ever getting on the same plan here.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

suburbanmom said:


> In the present, I agree. Though I got the sense that his gripe is that college is looming, and she is spending down her savings while he is leaving his intact to fund college (and later retirement). So he anticipates her running out of funds just in time to let him foot the bills for both.
> 
> Fwiw I was a sahm for years, we were married young, and we've always shared finances. But we've always been working equally hard (paid or not) to accomplish shared goals.


And that is not the system they set up when married. They aren't sharing. Parents don't owe kids a college education. That should be her choice if she wants to fund that. I'm not certain he knows her full financial picture but it is obvious he discounts everything she contributes, thinks she has to do things his way and that he treats her like a child or servant because he believes he has the RIGHT to banish her to the basement. I mean who does this?

They aren't partners nor have they ever been. 

I agree they should divorce. I don't see him improving and we can't really know her situation as he has already changed his story once during this posting. He also hasn't answered some basic questions people have asked. 

He's come for some atta boys and you're rights to bolster is ego or position.

He need not bother as with his behavior he will get what he wants a divorce unless she is a doormat.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> Running through savings to pay some bills, while blowing more savings on day trading losses, isn't really contributing anything financially. It's just draining savings.
> 
> But, yes. They should just end it. I don't see them ever getting on the same plan here.


Her savings in separate accounts. That would give her the right to drain it if she wants. there are plenty of people who make money day trading. I'd be surprised if she is currently losing money. March of last year yes she lost money like everyone else.

So OP is she losing money this year? or are you talking about in the 3 years total? Do you actually have access to her accounts do you know if she is losing or are you assuming?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

[QUOTE="Baffled-by-Babe, post: 20293967, member: . What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.
[/QUOTE]
I had to actually read this twice.

My wife would hate you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Most women would hate you.


Fixed it for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> [QUOTE="Baffled-by-Babe, post: 20293967, member: . What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.


I had to actually read this twice.

My wife would hate you.
[/QUOTE]
He is more than a decade older than her. Sounds like he treats her like a child. And, the banishing her to the basement to sleep is begging her to divorce him. 

If he is having a fit about money now, what's he going to do when he has to pay his own utility bills, dining out and groceries. My utility bills and groceries certainly exceed my house taxes and insurance.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Banished to the basement? Can you hear yourself???
> This is your wife who you are supposed to love but clearly don't.
> If a man threatened me in that way I would be done.


To be clear, I don't support banishment to the basement. After all, she's still his wife.

That being said, it seems like I was right in that she doesn't pull her weight for household duties either. Seriously, those kids are in school 6 hours a day: it just doesn't take that long to do all the domestic stuff. 

Again, it's not the money so much as that she's not trying as hard as he is. He makes six figures but they have a lot of expenses. He resents having to pay most of them. I'd bet that his mortgage wasn't that much in relation to his income, and the current bills are still large. If she pays for groceries and meals, who pays for utilities, transportation, Healthcare, kids activities, taxes and upkeep on the house, etc.? Keep in mind that he wants to help his kids with college.

Who is saving for retirement? The OP is 10 years older than she is. What happens when he hits 65 and is tired of working? Is he trying to save enough for both of them? Is she fine with him working into his 70s to support her?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DTO said:


> To be clear, I don't support banishment to the basement. After all, she's still his wife.
> 
> That being said, it seems like I was right in that she doesn't pull her weight for household duties either. Seriously, those kids are in school 6 hours a day: it just doesn't take that long to do all the domestic stuff.
> 
> ...


There is no mortgage. She pays groceries, utilities and helps with insurance. If he thinks that isn't enough they need to sit down and actually run the numbers so that they can figure out what is 50 percent. I get the feeling they have never done that.


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## suburbanmom (May 28, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> And that is not the system they set up when married. They aren't sharing. Parents don't owe kids a college education. That should be her choice if she wants to fund that. I'm not certain he knows her full financial picture but it is obvious he discounts everything she contributes, thinks she has to do things his way and that he treats her like a child or servant because he believes he has the RIGHT to banish her to the basement. I mean who does this?
> 
> They aren't partners nor have they ever been.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I agree with you about divorce and somehow missed the the banishment to the basement. Yuck.

On the other stuff, I guess the vast majority of the parents i know in their financial situation (six figure family income with assets) do not consider college for their kids an optional expense. Maybe not fancy private school, but at least four years at state school, is part of the plan. We don't know, however, if they talked about that when they started having kids. Kinda sounds like they didn't talk about a whole lotta stuff and now that's coming back to bite them.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Anastasia6 said:


> There is no mortgage. She pays groceries, utilities and helps with insurance. If he thinks that isn't enough they need to sit down and actually run the numbers so that they can figure out what is 50 percent. I get the feeling they have never done that.


I get the feeling there is a LOT on the finance side they have never done.

The first step isn't to divvy expenses. It's to sit down and agree on short and long term financial goals. If they aren't both working to the same finish line, no amount of cost-splitting is going to fix the problem.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> I get the feeling there is a LOT on the finance side they have never done.
> 
> The first step isn't to divvy expenses. It's to sit down and agree on short and long term financial goals. If they aren't both working to the same finish line, no amount of cost-splitting is going to fix the problem.


I think the problems extend a long way past finances.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would set up some way to ensure she pays half of everything and then keep your earnings completely separate. But yeah, if she ends up in bankruptcy, being married, it will affect you. Maybe to do it separate and keep it simple, you say she pays everything every other month, from dining out to food and toilet paper to utilities and then you do the same next month.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think the problems extend a long way past finances.


Yes, way way way past finances.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> There is no mortgage. She pays groceries, utilities and helps with insurance. If he thinks that isn't enough they need to sit down and actually run the numbers so that they can figure out what is 50 percent. I get the feeling they have never done that.


I know there's no mortgage. What I said was that we shouldn't assume the mortgage is some huge bill from which he has relief. I know my mortgage is barely 10% of my income. It's my third biggest expense (after retirement savings and taxes). Paying it off won't be some huge boon.

You're probably right that they've never done that. But common sense should tell her that she's not at 50%. My gut tells me she doesn't want to be at 50% and that's why this is such an issue.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think the problems extend a long way past finances.


Absolutely. There is a basic disconnect over their respective roles and responsibilities in the family that they need to try to work through.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DownButNotOut said:


> The first step isn't to divvy expenses. It's to sit down and agree on short and long term financial goals. If they aren't both working to the same finish line, no amount of cost-splitting is going to fix the problem.


Yes, and their age gap (10 years I think) is going to be a problem. Unless he has a pension or has saved a ton, his income will drop at retirement and his ability to provide along with it. She won't be at that "slowing down" age yet.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DTO said:


> Absolutely. There is a basic disconnect over their respective roles and responsibilities in the family that they need to try to work through.


Agree to disagree. I don't think he has any desire to change either and by just a few posts here you can see change may be needed on both sides.

They seem incompatible. I not a fan of OP's but he should see a lawyer tomorrow. If she gets the jump on him he maybe in for a big surprise. In addition the bit he has posted here I'd be divorcing him. He's threatened it and banished her to the basement. The only way I see her not divorcing is if she has a longer plan for divorce like trying to wait until the kids are older.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think it's all moot. Once you ban someone to the basement, they aren't going to feel all loving and helpful. At this point, she's GOT to be planning her exit.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, I can understand that you want her to get off her ass and go to work now that the kids are older. But consider this: You are threatening her with divorce unless she gets a full-time job. Threats in marriage don't bode well for working out problems as a team. And when I say that, I mean threatening divorce over anything is tossing down the gauntlet. She may just call your bluff and tell you to get a divorce

With that in mind, another thing to consider: You've got what the courts consider a marriage of longevity; in other words, more than 10 years. If you think you're ticked off now that she isn't working, imagine how you'll feel when you're dishing out lots of child support every month in addition to giving her half the assets you accrued over the course of the marriage. It's a reality you should consider before you start tossing around divorce threats.

Will you end up screwed, financially-speaking if you divorce? Possibly. Which is why lawyers are a necessary evil. Seriously.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Sfort said:


> She'd have a better chance at making money by joining the NBA than she would with a podcast. What's her podcast about? How to day trade successfully? If so, she's like many other podcasters who preach about how to do things that they, themselves, are not able to do.


I agree. Podcasts are a dime-a-dozen these days. No, her podcast is about having kids late in life. She'd probably have better luck podcasting about trading! (if she knew how to trade successfully). But hey, like you said, she doesn't need to be successful, just tell others what to do. ha ha


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> Agree to disagree. I don't think he has any desire to change either and by just a few posts here you can see change may be needed on both sides.
> 
> They seem incompatible. I not a fan of OP's but he should see a lawyer tomorrow. If she gets the jump on him he maybe in for a big surprise. In addition the bit he has posted here I'd be divorcing him. He's threatened it and banished her to the basement. The only way I see her not divorcing is if she has a longer plan for divorce like trying to wait until the kids are older.


I don't think I'm disagreeing with you. I also agree that neither of them really want to change. I don't support his denigrating her or banishing her to the basement.

At the same time, to me a marriage is about two people becoming a team - a pairing of equals. If you have one person that strives to put in substantially less effort, that is not a pairing of equals. At the end of the day though, everybody has their own view on this, much like with sex. And also like sex, you either are on the same page already, ready and willing to compromise, or destined to always butt heads.

Here, I don't think she really wants to put in effort equal to his own. And he's so "done" that he has a hard time interacting with her in a civil manner. And I say from personal experience that I understand. My ex did this stuff to me (except that she was not spending an inheritance or family money, but the little bit of savings we had and then money we didn't have). And my reaction was reminiscent of the OPs; I just couldn't bring myself to support someone who was willing to put everything on my shoulders while she just did the minimum and tended to herself.

Looks like donesky to me.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

SunnyT said:


> I think it's all moot. Once you ban someone to the basement, they aren't going to feel all loving and helpful. At this point, she's GOT to be planning her exit.


Well, maybe you are right, but I'm the one who is about to end it. She's the one who's the freeloader and is finally changing her ways. Well, at least she's looking for a job, but hasn't found one yet. I'd be fine with it if she left.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Is your wife's name on the deed to the house?


Yes


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> BTW I’ve averaged better than the market this year with my day trading. I’ve hit 70% annualized.


70%??? I wish you'd contact her. maybe she'd learn to trade!!!!


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> You don’t do all the cooking. You said earlier she does breakfast and lunch. And I thought you said the house was paid for?
> 
> It seems you don’t realize how much your wife does.
> 
> What did your wife say when you told her you will divorce her if she doesn’t get a full-time job?


I do all the real cooking. She cooks eggs for breakfast and some simple lunches on the weekend. Yes, I paid cash for the house.
I didn't actually tell her I would divorce her but she could easily read between the lines. I said something like, "I'm done."


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> 70%??? I wish you'd contact her at , maybe she'd learn to trade!!!!


Well I've been doing very well this is my second time around. But my first try at day trading a few years ago I messed it up by getting over exposed in a biopharma firm. I've read comments from some of my fellow traders it's considered part of the education. I have now earned more than I lost and have been consistently do well. Now I try not to get overexposed in any one stock. I have a system of using market change from established stocks. And yes it is a talent but there are plenty of us day traders that make decent bank. My account doesn't have that big of a base so as I compound each month I plan to retire in 5 years but you really shouldn't put your wife email on a forum


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I do all the REAL cooking and the BANISHMENT! 

So have you divorced her yet and when will you do this? Given you’re so proactive, know how things should be done, and are a take charge-I-know-it-all person. 

Have you divorced her yet?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Will you end up screwed, financially-speaking if you divorce? Possibly. Which is why lawyers are a necessary evil. Seriously.


I really think you should divorce. You don't treat her in a loving way.

I'm sure your wife is not dumb. If she used to make 6 figures I'm sure she can make money again. Maybe she needs to be on her own to make money again. 

Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well I've been doing very well this is my second time around. But my first try at day trading a few years ago I messed it up by getting over exposed in a biopharma firm. I've read comments from some of my fellow traders it's considered part of the education. I have now earned more than I lost and have been consistently do well. Now I try not to get overexposed in any one stock. I have a system of using market change from established stocks. And yes it is a talent but there are plenty of us day traders that make decent bank. My account doesn't have that big of a base so as I compound each month I plan to retire in 5 years but you really shouldn't put your wife email on a forum


Glad you're making a great income. I guess it is possible but hard to believe. Uh, good point about the email. I wonder how to delete it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> Glad you're making a great income. I guess it is possible but hard to believe. Uh, good point about the email. I wonder how to delete it.


go to the post and hit edit


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I do all the REAL cooking and the BANISHMENT!
> 
> So have you divorced her yet and when will you do this? Given you’re so proactive, know how things should be done, and are a take charge-I-know-it-all person.
> 
> Have you divorced her yet?


No. If i divorced her, she would not be here. If she gets a job, a real job, we'll see where it goes.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> go to the post and hit edit





Anastasia6 said:


> go to the post and hit edit


Done. Thanks!


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I really think you should divorce. You don't treat her in a loving way.
> 
> I'm sure your wife is not dumb. If she used to make 6 figures I'm sure she can make money again. Maybe she needs to be on her own to make money again.
> 
> Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.


I don't want to hurt the kids. If she'll get a job, we can at least stay together. Even 50K.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> I don't want to hurt the kids. If she'll get a job, we can at least stay together. Even 50K.


It's wrong staying for the kids when you don't love and respect your wife anymore. I'm sure your kids are wondering why mom sleeps in the basement. It will be sad for them to know she's there because she doesn't make at least 50k! Do you think kids care about college more than their parents marriage?

I don't make 50k and my husband is not kicking me to the shed. Maybe he knows I'd be divorcing him the moment he disrespects me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think she should cut it off. She will more than likely get primary custody and very possibly the house until the children are adults and child support and possibly maintenance too.

She would have the added bonus of not being told she isn't doing anything correctly, she wouldn't be banished to the basement and her expenses probably wouldn't change that much from what she is covering now.

I'm sure you can go right out and find a suitable woman who would be really happy to do things "correctly" to avoid basement banishment.

I mean you are just hitting your prime and all.😉


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I think she should cut it off. She will more than likely get primary custody and very possibly the house until the children are adults and child support and possibly maintenance too.
> 
> She would have the added bonus of not being told she isn't doing anything correctly, she wouldn't be banished to the basement and her expenses probably wouldn't change that much from what she is covering now.
> 
> ...


Couldn’t have said it any better.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> I don't want to hurt the kids.


Too late. 

You hurt them every time you hurt their mother. 



Baffled-by-Babe said:


> If she'll get a job, we can at least stay together. Even 50K.


Not sure why she'd want to stay. If I were her, I'd be getting my ducks in a row, as they say.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Well, she birthed and nursed you two kids- how much is that worth? $1B each? 

Try to be kind to her, brother, and try to be thankful for how well you're doing financially. Nitpicking is HARD on women. When you get that little itch to criticize- remind yourself what a tough/mean bastard you are and what a sweet dreamer she is, smile and mentally move on!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nitpicking?

He wants a life partner who is contributing financially--- earning money at a job--- since the kids are 10 and 12 and not little anymore, AND he does more than his fair share of household stuff and child activities.

I don't know why people are shaming that.

If the sexes were reversed, everyone would be saying what a loser the spouse was.

The women I know in real life would be ashamed to not be contributing. Ashamed.

pfffft just because you had two children (over a decade ago) does not give you a free pass to never work a full time job ever again.


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## Baffled-by-Babe (May 2, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> And that is not the system they set up when married. They aren't sharing. Parents don't owe kids a college education. That should be her choice if she wants to fund that. I'm not certain he knows her full financial picture but it is obvious he discounts everything she contributes, thinks she has to do things his way and that he treats her like a child or servant because he believes he has the RIGHT to banish her to the basement. I mean who does this?
> 
> They aren't partners nor have they ever been.
> 
> ...


Well, kids today need a college education to amount to anything. I don't feel it should all fall on my shoulders to put them through college but I will if that is what I need to do to help them in life. And no, I don't know her full financial picture but it is obvious she is losing money. And yes, she does contribute financially by paying bills out of her savings but that will not last. She also contributes some with housework, etc. She's in the basement to get her attention. After SIX years of day-trading I finally lost patience. 

3rd paragraph you said "he has already changed his story once during this posting." I haven't. If I did, will you please point out what story I changed?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Although I can see OP's point of view, he comes across as a jerk toward his wife. Marriage should be the union of two to become a team. In my household, although I've been traditionally (as a male) the breadwinner, whatever my wife has made is welcome, and I never had considered my earning mine, nor her earnings hers. It has always been the household money. Respect goes a long way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> She's in the basement to get her attention


Seriously, just what the ever-lovin' hell? Was this after you hit her on the nose with a newspaper? Or, gave her a time-out with her nose in the corner?

What did you do to your ex-wife to punish her?

It looks like your current wife is finding the basement preferable to sleeping with you. Maybe, that's why she isn't pounding the pavement looking for a regular job. I think she's got her **** figured out.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Livvie said:


> The women I know in real life would be ashamed to not be contributing. Ashamed.


This absolutely. If my wife can see me bust it and not feel she should be shouldering the burden alongside me, how much does she love and respect me? Does she really consider me her equal?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Nitpicking?
> 
> He wants a life partner who is contributing financially--- earning money at a job--- since the kids are 10 and 12 and not little anymore, AND he does more than his fair share of household stuff and child activities.
> 
> ...


Every family is different. Some agree that one should be the bread winner and the other be the homemaker. In other families one works full time and one part time. In others both work full time but some may have cleaners, childminders etc.
I certainly don't think there should be anyone who feels ashamed if they don't earn any or enough money. I don't know anyone who felt ashamed, especially if they were contributing a lot in other ways.
It's not all about money it's about all couples doing what suits each best.

My main concern here is the terrible attitude the Op has towards his wife who he clearly doesn't love or even like. I have to wonder why they are even together.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DTO said:


> This absolutely. If my wife can see me bust it and not feel she should be shouldering the burden alongside me, how much does she love and respect me? Does she really consider me her equal?


This woman is helping but she isn't doing it "correctly" so she gets basement banishment.

I think it's important to note that, by OP's own admission, his wife contributes quite well. Probably more financially than the average wife.

It just isn't being done the way he wants it done.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> This woman is helping but she isn't doing it "correctly" so she gets basement banishment.
> 
> I think it's important to note that, by OP's own admission, his wife contributes quite well. Probably more financially than the average wife.
> 
> It just isn't being done the way he wants it done.


I didn't get the feeling she contributes quite well. I don't recall the details 100%, but it sounds like a small % of their total expenses. Groceries and some insurance?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

If you don't count my mortgage. Groceries, utilites, and insurance make up 50% of my monthly expenses. Actually more.

But the real trouble is they don't sit down and do any calculations. So she thinks she doing her share. He thinks she isn't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DTO said:


> I didn't get the feeling she contributes quite well. I don't recall the details 100%, but it sounds like a small % of their total expenses. Groceries and some insurance?


She pays all utilities, food and when they eat out.

He pays the taxes and insurance.

He wants her to pay half.

I just pointed out that she does more financially than the average wife. I'm pretty confident she is above the average wife with financial contributions. She just doesn't do things "correctly" to avoid banishment to teach her otherwise. 

It is misleading for anyone to make statements that she should be ashamed for not contributing anything when she does quite a lot including breakfast and lunch while he usually takes care of dinner. I actually do 99% of the cooking in our household and my youngest son does all the cooking on his days off and still fixes dinner occasionally on days he's not.

His fiance works as well but goes to school and he holds the lion's share of the financial burden on his shoulders.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's not earning anything. She's depleting savings to pay for those current things. There's a huge difference between earning, and depleting savings, and that has a huge effect on the future.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> She's not earning anything. She's depleting savings to pay for those current things. There's a huge difference between earning, and depleting savings, and that has a huge effect on the future.


She is using her savings from before the marriage to try earning in a way that hasn't paid out but she isn't just gambling it away and she is still contributing.

She just isn't doing it the "correct" way.😉


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Baffled-by-Babe said:


> Well, kids today need a college education to amount to anything. I don't feel it should all fall on my shoulders to put them through college but I will if that is what I need to do to help them in life. *And no, I don't know her full financial picture but it is obvious she is losing money.* And yes, she does contribute financially by paying bills out of her savings but that will not last. She also contributes some with housework, etc. She's in the basement to get her attention. After SIX years of day-trading I finally lost patience.
> 
> 3rd paragraph you said "he has already changed his story once during this posting." I haven't. If I did, will you please point out what story I changed?


Dude put your head on straight.

You're going nuclear and don't even know the basics. Step 0: Sit down together and get the full picture!

How do you even file taxes? If she's really a net loss and you're not filing jointly you're even screwing that easy thing up.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At least she isn't using student loans to buy a degree that turns out to be worthless or will take years to recover the cost. She's using her pre-marriage savings to finance her current lifestyle. She also invested $30 grand into renovations on the house.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> She is using her savings from before the marriage to try earning in a way that hasn't paid out but she isn't just gambling it away and she is still contributing.
> 
> She just isn't doing it the "correct" way.😉


Day Trading is the closest thing to gambling you can do on the market. 70+% of people who try it lose money.

If she's been losing money for the last 6 years, she isn't contributing anything financially. She is draining existing savings. That's worse than nothing in fact.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Livvie said:


> She's not earning anything. She's depleting savings to pay for those current things. There's a huge difference between earning, and depleting savings, and that has a huge effect on the future.


But if you have separate finances which they apparently choose to have when married you don't really get to tell someone how they pay their half of the bills.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> But if you have separate finances which they apparently choose to have when married you don't really get to tell someone how they pay their half of the bills.


Then they should have completely separate finances, and she shouldn't get to live for free in the house he paid for-- with his separate finances.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> But if you have separate finances which they apparently choose to have when married you don't really get to tell someone how they pay their half of the bills.


It still sucks for him to be married to someone who isn't earning anything and is depleting savings. He doesn't want to be married to someone with that attitude about money. He says that doesn't work for him.

Many men and many women would be upset to have a partner who was okay with not earning anything over the past 6 years doing what they are doing, and depleting savings instead.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Day Trading is the closest thing to gambling you can do on the market. 70+% of people who try it lose money.
> 
> If she's been losing money for the last 6 years, she isn't contributing anything financially. She is draining existing savings. That's worse than nothing in fact.


It's her money. If she wants to throw it down a rat hole or flush it down the toilet, it's no one's business but hers. They haven't combined finances and don't even know what each other's finances are. Unless they had an agreement that at some point her savings would be considered marital property, she isn't doing anything wrong. It is no different than if those savings came from an inheritance.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Then they should have completely separate finances, and she shouldn't get to live for free in the house he paid for-- with his separate finances.


Can she live in the part she paid to renovate?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Livvie said:


> Then they should have completely separate finances, and she shouldn't get to live for free in the house he paid for-- with his separate finances.


They can't even do that. Regardless of how they view it, the law views them as a single entity. If she keeps up, and then accrues debt that's on him too. The only time separate finances are easier is when they divorce. There's less to separate.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Then they should have completely separate finances, and she shouldn't get to live for free in the house he paid for-- with his separate finances.


She pays all utilities, food and when they eat out.

She also takes care of breakfast and lunch and is the primary care giver to the children.

She could have it all to herself if she talks to a lawyer.

You are acting like she is draining his finances and intentionally harming the family.

OP doesn't even know for sure what her finances look like.

She isn't even in trouble as far as can be determined and who says she won't work if her savings, from before marriage, get too low?

The marriage is done anyway because OP banished her. LoL!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> She is using her savings from before the marriage to try earning in a way that hasn't paid out but she isn't just gambling it away and she is still contributing.
> 
> She just isn't doing it the "correct" way.😉


And I think that is the crux of the problem. He's mad that she is trying to find an alternative job that doesn't put her in the 9-5 grind. He doesn't recognize what she does as a job and therefore, he thinks he can appropriate her time in whatever ways he deems worthy. She isn't doing it right.

He admits he doesn't even know her financial picture. He doesn't have an accounting of expenses or even contributions but he's sure she's doing it wrong and not paying enough.

While it maybe that she isn't paying half. Neither actually knows. This is the stupidest argument ever. It's basic math and with a separate account that they both make deposits into it would be easy to see which is true. In addition, He seems to think he can choose which optional expenses are required without some kind of conversation.

I mean we bought our child's college fund pre-paid and paid it off before she was 5. They obviously haven't decided on an amount and then set up a fund and then made contributions. It is just well we need savings.

In reality it looks like he doesn't care for her at all. He's mad he doesn't get to manage her money and doesn't accept her choice of 'jobs'. He still thinks he's so awesome for showing her a lesson and banishing her to the basement. No recognition at all how atrocious that was and how disrespectful. 

He says that he wants to stay for the kids.
Kid notice. And if it doesn't register now it will later. My dad ignored my mom our whole childhood and then left in the middle of the night to be with his mistress (the latest of many whom he did marry). I mean at first when it happened as a teen I was cool. I was nice to the new step-mom. I kept in contact with my dad. I mean it was obvious they weren't happy so they probably shouldn't be together. Well then I grew up. I got married. I started to actually think about the relationship. I had to settle my mom's estate. Right after I settled my mom's estate, I kind of stopped talking to my dad. As I dealt with all the crap I realized she had put up with over the years I grew infuriated. It's been about 6 years now and I don't regret not talking with him. That childhood behavior came back to roost.

It will take much more than a job to fix this marriage. OP doesn't care, doesn't love her, doesn't respect her. I bet she is looking for a job. I would be too. It would be step 1 in a multi-step plan.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> It's her money. If she wants to throw it down a rat hole or flush it down the toilet, it's no one's business but hers. They haven't combined finances and don't even know what each other's finances are. Unless they had an agreement that at some point her savings would be considered marital property, she isn't doing anything wrong. It is no different than if those savings came from an inheritance.


Nope. She is doing it wrong. Unless her current saving level, and spending level can see her through to her deathbed without him having to toss her a parachute, then what she is doing is unsustainable. 

By staying married to her, and not addressing it, he is stating that he is fine with it as far as the law is concerned. He is not fine with it. His choices: leave, or get her to change. His methods are in the wrong, but he only has those two bad choices.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> It still sucks for him to be married to someone who isn't earning anything and is depleting savings. He doesn't want to be married to someone with that attitude about money. He says that doesn't work for him.
> 
> Many men and many women would be upset to have a partner who was okay with not earning anything over the past 6 years doing what they are doing, and depleting savings instead.


Or being banished to the basement. OP doesn't even have a clear picture of her financial situation.

They aren't in trouble financially.

She is doing her projects and work with money from before even being married and has kept up with her contributions.

They aren't suffering at all, OP just doesn't like her doing things "incorrectly".


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> She is using her savings from before the marriage to try earning in a way that hasn't paid out but she isn't just gambling it away and she is still contributing.
> 
> She just isn't doing it the "correct" way.😉


Ok then, what happens when it runs out?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd say for the most part that this marriage is toast ... jmo.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I never felt ashamed when I wasn’t contributing financially because my husband never made me feel ashamed. 

Interestingly, I also taught myself to buy stocks years ago and do quite well. Here’s the kicker - my husband is as proud as punch and tells everyone 🤗 He takes interest in my investments, encourages me and doesn’t feel belittled by his brilliant wife 😜

There are the men, and there are the wining little pouting boys.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> I never felt ashamed when I wasn’t contributing financially because my husband never made me feel ashamed.
> 
> Interestingly, I also taught myself to buy stocks years ago and do quite well. Here’s the kicker - my husband is as proud as punch and tells everyone 🤗 He takes interest in my investments, encourages me and doesn’t feel belittled by his brilliant wife 😜
> 
> There are the men, and there are the wining little pouting boys.


So every man who wants to have a partner who contributes financially is a pouty little boy?

Holy ****.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@Livvie but she has and IS contributing financially. I’m surprised, I wouldn’t think you’d stay with a man like this? But that’s ok I can respect your view.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> @Livvie but she has and IS contributing financially. I’m surprised, I wouldn’t think you’d stay with a man like this? But that’s ok I can respect your view.


She's "contributing" by "working" for 6 years, _not earning any money_, and using savings. I can't imagine having kids that age and not contributing financially by actually working a job that earns some money for the family.

I am mother to 2, I was actually a SAHM for a decade, during which time I did everything related to keeping the home running -- all the cooking, grocery shopping and meal planning, cleaning, finances, appointments, kid stuff, car maintenance, etc. etc. That was my job, and I contributed just as much time and energy as my husband. 

And THEN, once my kids were in school the full day, guess what, I went back to work full time. Earning a salary ----not day trading, not earning nothing, and using savings as my "contribution", like this OP's wife.

Of course I would stay with a man like the OP, who would like a partner who works a job that earns income, because I'm not an entitled woman who believes she doesn't have to work at a job that actually EARNS MONEY. 

All of the other SAHMs I knew when I was one went back to work once their kids were in first or second grade, too. All of them!!! Well, one one works part time because she has MS. 

So yeah....


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> So every man who wants to have a partner who contributes financially is a pouty little boy?
> 
> Holy ****.


No of course not, but some people will see the potential in everything, others will find fault with everything 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

The pouty little boy is the guy who just sits there and does nothing but complain about it.

If you end up with a woman who's financially incompetent you really only have two choices. Either accept the fact you're the only financially responsible person in the relationship, find a way to cope with it, or tell her to get a job or you're outta there. And follow through if needed.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You've banished her to the basement so basically your marriage is over. Think you're going to be a hot commodity on the open market? Think again.


Beg to differ, as long as he doesn't pull that banishment action again. A guy who makes a good living and is kid-friendly will get attention as long as he has decent personality and looks.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> I'm a traditional man which places me on the opposite end of the spectrum from the OP.
> 
> I'm probably pretty far away from you as well.
> 
> ...


I don't think you're too different than me. I was raised in a traditional home until my mother passed on. My mother and father, in turn, grew up in traditional households as well. Sometimes financial need dictated that both work, but that didn't change what was desired. We value that lifestyle.

But we also value the concept that the woman should work just as hard as the man, even if in a different capacity. I don't think that's happening here. As someone said, she's trying to figure out how to not work full time and the OP is upset. Well, the flip side of that is how can she feel good about seeing him work so hard and not taking it on herself to ease his burden. 

I am willing to do (and have done) the heavy lifting in the relationships I've had - just the way I'm built. But I wouldn't do it for someone who actually aimed to reduce her workload and was fine seeing me bust my butt. That's not a partnership.


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