# Time to work on myself



## Tea Roses (Mar 30, 2013)

I have been seperated for six months and am waiting for my divorce to be finalized. I pretty much wasted that time distracting myself with bs instead of dealing with any of my issues or the end of my marriage. I'm also coming to terms with the extent of my stbxh's infidelity and emotional abuse. 

We were in false reconciliation for a few years. False, because he never owned up to even a fraction of what I knew, deep down, to be true. False, because I was in denial about what I knew, deep down, to be true. I based R on forgiving my stbxh for cheating with a few women. In reality, it was many women, men and prostitutes. I based R on my stbxh's honesty and regret about the things he did. In reality, neither of those really existed. I blamed myself, almost entirely, for his infidelity. Now I see that even though I have faults and imperfections, he is the only one to blame for his actions. I am to blame for sweeping everything under the rug and staying with a man who never appreciated me and probably never loved me.

So, now, I'm working on my issues that allowed me to be a victim of total disrespect and deceit. I'm also working toward becoming a more honest person, in hopes that I will be more deserving of having honest people in my life. 

So, that's the start of my thread. I'm hoping to receive input and feedback on my efforts to change and grow. I've been a victim of emotional and physical abuse in the past and I don't want to endure any of that again. I just won't. I'm beginning to see that I deserve better, but low self esteem is not easy to overcome. 

I've condensed my story quite a bit, to avoid boring anyone to death. I can share more details if anyone cares to ask questions or comment on my thread. I've been reading these forums and I'm familiar with some of the other members' threads. I hope to receive good advice and encouragement, as well. Thanks for reading, it feels good to get some of it out there.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Proud you finally had enough. It's not easy to de-commit from someone. Fortunately there are better people out there.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

So what are you going to do for you? And what have you been doing the past 6 months that finally made you say enough is enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

If you have been in an emotionally abusive marriage, then you probably won't know who you are right now. Its quite amazing just how much of your personality you have to compromise in order to make an unworkable situation keep ticking over. 

You need to learn how to reconnect with yourself, and rediscover what your own personal likes and dislikes are outside of the prism of another person. This can actually be quite daunting and make you feel a little bit lost and exposed at first. But it's ultimately very rewarding. 

Small steps day by day, and the crucial thing is to start putting your own needs first and attending to them. You must be very kind to yourself. Again, this will feel strange if you are used to pushing aside your own needs to accommodate someone else's. You may well feel guilty or that you are selfish, maybe even that you are in some way a bad person if he's really done a number on you. 

The hell with that. 

If you want to watch TV in your dressing gown straight home from work, then do it. If you want that cup of tea, don't wait, just go and make it. Savour it. If you want something specific for dinner, then make it, no matter how extravagant you think you are being. Take a walk if you want to, or take that long relaxing soak in the bath when you want. Pour a glass of wine and sit in the sun, read that book when you want. Stay in bed half the day and wriggle your toes in the sheets if that's what you want to do, call up a friend and go out to lunch, leave the dishes till later, buy yourself some flowers, surround yourself with beautiful things, make your space a space of peace and harmony. Learn to breathe again, deeply, from the diaphragm, burn some oils or incense, buy some new clothes, do whatever you want. 

Once you start doing all that, you'll start appreciating what makes you happy, you'll come to know yourself in ways you couldn't imagine before. Your confidence will come back, tentatively at first, but increasing all the time. You'll become self reliant, and form an emotional core that doesn't need the approval of someone else to function. 

I wish you all the very best, and good for you for realising what you need to do.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

Its tough to find out who one is again after getting out of a marriage that did not allow you to be yourself. I am doing that too, but I think its essential in order not to repeat past mistakes. Good luck to you.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I see shades of my own story in yours. The major thing I realized - the thing that made the first small step out of the storm that hit me the day he left - was that I was not to blame for his cheating & leaving me for the ow. Yes - the marriage falling apart was both of us but the cheating was on him. 

I have started to reconnect with all my old friends I gave up when I got married. WH did not like most of them. It has been a great feeling getting in touch with them & in turn reminding myself who I once was.

Best of luck on your journey. I'm sure you will come out of this a happier & better person!


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## Tea Roses (Mar 30, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. The part about not knowing who I am is really hard for me. Between two marriages, I've been a faithful wife for 24 years. I thought that since it didn't bring me happiness, I should walk on the wild side for a while. I didn't act on it, but I wanted to. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was trying to be anybody but myself. I feel bad about the way I was acting, but considering what I've been through, I forgive myself. I'm very glad I didn't end up doing anything I would've deemed unforgiveable.

I'm not angry at my stbxh. I'm mad at myself for staying too long and wasting the past six months, but I'm working through that. Maybe it wasn't really a waste since I did learn some things about myself. I've been reading a book linked by Angelpixie on another thread and it's been a huge help in understanding why I've made a lot of my choices. Although, it was a little frustrating to find out how textbook I have been.


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

I think most of us have had that realisation, the one where you think your circumstances are unique only to find out they are pretty much scripted to a freakishly accurate degree.

If I may offer a small piece of advice from my own experience, the sooner you move away from defining yourself in terms of a marriage breakdown, then it helps enormously. 

It's like initially your whole outlook revolves around divorce. You think about it all the time, talk about it incessantly, continually review it, and read all these self help books about how to cope, and how to move on....these things have their uses, but they can keep you stuck in victim mode. 

I found keeping a journal to be invaluable, writing down every anxiety or worry, or negative feeling that I had whenever I could. Initially I'd write reams and reams of absolute crap, going on and on and on, then it got more terse as the weeks went on, and eventually I got utterly sick of writing the same bloody thing out over and over and over.....

Just because it didn't work out the way you wanted, it in no way means that you have wasted the last 24 years of your life. It's all a continual journey. You're on the next phase now, gliding onwards and upwards to something authentic and something that will serve you in the way that you deserve. 

You will learn a huge amount about yourself and the World around you. This can be a truly positive and inspiring time. It won't feel like it now, but you will look back on it as a profound time in your life. 

My split was horrendous. The pain and anger and despair were like nothing I have ever experienced, made worse by my wife behaving in an atrocious manner, but I look back on that time now, and although it was brutal, I can honestly say that I am grateful for the experience and all that I learnt from it. It has served me well in a lot of other areas in my life besides those of the heart, and I am sure in time that your own experiences will come to form you in a way that will do nothing but enrich you. 

Be gentle with yourself, and don't judge yourself harshly. You're doing just fine, and soon you'll get to show the World exactly what a strong, caring, loving and bright person you always were all along. It's all out there for you now.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I think the Count is right; or at least rings very true with me. I found this today and wanted to share. I think it fits this thread very nicely.


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