# should i tell him



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

so the husband is going on vacation in june. the place he's going to is where we spent our honeymoon. at first it didn't bother me, but thinking about it now, it really hurts. that place is very special and the fact that he isn't thinking twice, to me, shows he's insensitive. i know if i bring this up it's going to start a big fight w/ him saying that i was asked (by my brother, who is also going) to come. i hoestly don't know if it's worth mentioning because somehow i'll be wrong in feeling this way.


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## miturn (Apr 8, 2009)

Ummm!!!! Perhaps you could look at his choice differently. I am generally a glass half empty person but......could it be that your hubby enjoyed the place also and wants to share that good feeling with his mates. Probably not but worth a thought hey! To answer your question, I think you should definately talk to him about this. The way I figure it is that you two are married and married people care about what their partners think and feel. Unspoken words will inevitably lead to unresolved issues. Tell him how you feel or it will fester over time.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with miturn. Speak with him and let him know in gentle terms how you feel left out, etc.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

well, i told him that it started bothering me. he said he didn't intend for it too bother me, he just wanted to go down and get drunk. that didn't make me feel any better. he can easily go somewhere else to get drunk. he said the plans were made a while ago. i know this, it didn't bother me before, but it does now. needless to say, i doubt he'll change his plans. if he starts feeling bad, it'll be his own guilty conscience telling him something


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## blacksage (Apr 28, 2009)

It might not matter if he goes or not. Sometimes it good to just talk about it.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

he's going to be in SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOO much trouble when my sister-in-law (his brother's wife) gets a hold of him. it turns out that he'll be away for my niece's graduation. my husband's her favorite uncle and she's going to be hurt when he tells her that he won't be there. his words exactly "she graduates on wednesday? i'll be lucky if i remember my name by wednesday."
i can't believe going away to get drunk is more important to him than his niece. i'll have no sympathy for him


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

so, he hasn't told our sister-in-law yet. i want her to know. but i'm not going to be the 1 to tell her. it's not my place and if i tell her, that'll give her time to calm down so she won't lay it into him as badly. i want her to get him, maybe itll be an eye opener for him. maybe he'll realize his problem isn't w/ me, but w/ himself


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My husband does not "do" conversations about hurt feelings. He goes directly into defense mode and for me such a conversation would not be possible.
Instead my mind in order to cope, goes into fantasy... where I cook him bacon and eggs every morning like he likes and wants....
to help him be the best husband he will ever be. 
I am sick of hearing to "suck it up" and how tough his life is.
He is the one who chooses to work 24/7.... and I am just the maid and housekeeper.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i'm unclear about something: you say you knew about the plans when they were being made, and the trip didn't bother you then.

if this is true, then don't you think your time to speak up has passed?

and, don't you feel this business with your sister-in-law is just a tad passive-aggressive?

please take these remarks in the generous spirit in which they were rendered.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i did think the time to talk had passed, but when i asked (here and at home) if i should say something, i was told yes.

as far as my sister-in-law being passive aggressive, my niece wasn't suppose to be able to do anything athletic or live past 16. She became head cheerleader and is now 18 and graduating high school. huge, huge acheivements for someone who was suppose to die young. he knows all of this


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

advice, either here or in the real world, is just what it is: advice.

after you are given advice, both sincere and suspect, a decision is made, and that is by you.

you decided to change your mind about your hubby's vacation plans after the fact. i don't think that's fair, but i completely understand your consternation.

forgive me if i was unclear, and forgive me as well for being respectfully honest, but my concern is not that your sister-in-law may be passive-aggressive, but that you are passive aggressive in the use of your sister-in-law to punish your husband.

may i conclude by offering my heartfelt congratulations to your niece. 

how proud you all must be!

my son has medical problems that call into question how long he may be with me, and so i empathise.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i hope your son will be alright. i also have health problems and i shouldn't be alive right now. so i understand what an acheivement it is for my niece to beat the odds. 
i'm letting my sister-in-law take care of this coz he won't listen to a word i say. i'm the enemy and my feelings don't count.
an example, tonight i was suppose to go out w/ my brother and my husband was coming along. i was fine w/ it, i thought i could handle being around him. turns out i couldn't. right before we were suppose to leave to meet up w/ my husband, i started having a panic attack and decided not to go. i told my brother to go, why should i ruin his night? my husband didn't call to ask why i didn't come. and if my brother told him, he didn't call to ask how i was. he doesn't give a **** about me or my feelings


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

I think there's something missing here. It doesn't make any sense to me why somebody couldn't go to where you honeymooned with somebody other than the person you went with. It's just a place... The value of it should be the experience you shared there, not the actual place itself, because that's all it is... a place. What matters is the memories. It seems like there's some other reason you don't want him to go, and if not then it still doesn't make sense to me. 

That's just my 2 cents.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

well, you and my son are alive, and so there's work yet for you and my son to do. i have survived unusual circumstances as well, and i celebrate for us all that we have continuing purpose.

may i ask what seems a simple question, but i doubt really is:

in your marriage why do you say you are 'the enemy' of your husband and why do you say your feelings 'don't count'. further, why do you continue a marriage with a man you can't 'handle being around'.

you've been hurt in your marriage more than you have said, at least on this thread, (forgive me if you go into more detail elsewhere) and this trip, to you, and probably rightfully so, is just another cut.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

because this is all some kind of stage he's going through. He's not acting like himself. It's not me just making excuses, his WHOLE family sees there's something wrong w/ him. he's even been told something's wrong, but he doesn't see it. it's not drugs, but he has been drinking more (hence the partying mid-life crisis he's going through). i'm the enemy coz according to him, i'm wrong about everything and he's always right (nothing's wrong him coz he's always right, according to him) It's not like i'm continueing the marriage. he's out of the house, doing his own thing. i only told him that if he wanted a divorce, he's paying for everything coz i can't afford it and i don't want it. i am hurt (i have many posts about my problem) i would love to move on, but something in me can't let go yet


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i hate him SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOO much right now
last week he asked me if he could have tonight off from having our daughter so he can celebrate cinco de mayo (he doesn't have a drop of spanish blood in him btw). i was fine w/ it cozif i needed a night off, he'd give it to me, and he'd just stick around town and hang out w/ his friends, so if my daughter needed him for anything, i could get a hold of him. NNNNNNOOOOO! he's going 2 hours away to my brother's house to get drunk. plus. he's taking tomorrow off from work. sarcastly, i said "nice priorities" he gave me the "it's none of your business". in a split second i felt my bloos boil. i told him "that's right, YOU made it that way. good-bye". then i hung up the phone and threw it across the room (it didn't break). this was over an hour ago and i still can't calm down. some of you might say i was wrong and i was over-reacting. i don't care if i'm wrong or not. i'm seeing the pattern of he would rather go out drinking. it seems it's his #1 priority now.

oh and it must be nice to call out of work whenever, some of us can't afford that luxury


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

so i sent him an email last night saying that unless it's about our daughter, i don't want any communication anymore. we'll stay away from each other when we're both invited to the same events, i won't ask him for anymore computer work and he'll go somewhere else to get a haircut. i also said that he needs to slow down w/ the drinking or else he will be an alcoholic. he was out all last night so i know he won't get the email till this afternoon or early evening. i'll have to see him tonight when i pick our daughter up at his house. i just won't look at him or say a word. i know it's a bit childish, but hopefully he'll start realizing he's going to lose everything if he keeps up w/ this new attitude of his


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

well, he didn't appreciate what i said. we got into another fight, and now he's going to get the divorce papers on monday


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well, I could only suggest that now you get a chance to find someone that truly loves you and can appreciate a good woman. Just make sure you get YOURSELF a lawyer, though.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i'm not going to find someone else. not that i can't, i just don't want to. i'm not about to make the same mistake twice and deal w/ this bullsh!t again. i should have gone w/ my 1st instinct of never getting married, work my ass off, then die. at least i got my daughter out of it


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