# pregnant going through divorce



## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi I am new in this kind of forums, I am a mom of a 14 month old baby and I am currently 21 weeks pregnant, few months ago my husband asked me for divorce I was in shock I am still in shock for his decision, we've been thorugh so much the last few years, he just got off from the Marines, started to work in a towing company and he works full time from 7pm till 5am, when we had our first baby he was deployed he missed the birth and the first 5 months with our son. When he came back obviously everything was going to be different I mean I became a mother a single monther because even when I had the support of my family I was the one who take care of our baby 24/7 when he came back everything fall apart, our sex life wasn't the same, I was tired all the time and I kinda lost myself doing the same thing everyday and I push him away without knowing I was hurting him, it wasn't my intention at all but at the time I felt so lost and lonely and I felt he only wanted me for sex and nothing else. I am not working right now I am a full time mom, I am the kind of person who likes to go out with friends, go to work, and do something new everyday so for me it was kind of hard to be a full time mom I love being with my son we don't have any family here in CA so it is hard to find a good babysitter. I lost myself and I felt I was going through some depression, and I didn't even noticed until one day my husband came to me and told me he was having issues with our sex life, I told him that I wanted to be with him, I was still attractive to him and I did still love him, then I realized that something bad was going on with me I told him I was going to ask for help and I did, went to see my dr. and told me I was going through depression and started to take medicine for it, by then we already knew I was pregnant. Not even a month later after I start to take my medicine he told me he wanted to get divorce. The past few months are being so hard for me and being pregnant is not helping me to feel better at all, I told him that we should to counseling he doesn't believe in that, I talked to him about all my feelings and thoughts I apologized for pushing him away from me, I've been telling him that everything could change in our relationship and he still thinking the same way. He doens't even know if this is what he wants he is not even sure if he is 100% sure of his decision, he said he fells lonely and lost and I am here for him to help him but he doesn't even want my help. Please help me with some advice we are living in the same house in separate bedrooms since August I am thinking to move out with my family and come back to have the baby here, I just don't know what to do anymore so he can open his eyes, I trudly love him and I know he loves me too but I know he is hurt and scared and doesn't want to go through all over again. Any good advice?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

stronger4u2 said:


> Hi I am new in this kind of forums, I am a mom of a 14 month old baby and I am currently 21 weeks pregnant, few months ago my husband asked me for divorce I was in shock I am still in shock for his decision, we've been thorugh so much the last few years, he just got off from the Marines, started to work in a towing company and he works full time from 7pm till 5am, when we had our first baby he was deployed he missed the birth and the first 5 months with our son. When he came back obviously everything was going to be different I mean I became a mother a single monther because even when I had the support of my family I was the one who take care of our baby 24/7 when he came back everything fall apart, our sex life wasn't the same, I was tired all the time and I kinda lost myself doing the same thing everyday and I push him away without knowing I was hurting him, it wasn't my intention at all but at the time I felt so lost and lonely and I felt he only wanted me for sex and nothing else. I am not working right now I am a full time mom, I am the kind of person who likes to go out with friends, go to work, and do something new everyday so for me it was kind of hard to be a full time mom I love being with my son we don't have any family here in CA so it is hard to find a good babysitter. I lost myself and I felt I was going through some depression, and I didn't even noticed until one day my husband came to me and told me he was having issues with our sex life, I told him that I wanted to be with him, I was still attractive to him and I did still love him, then I realized that something bad was going on with me I told him I was going to ask for help and I did, went to see my dr. and told me I was going through depression and started to take medicine for it, by then we already knew I was pregnant. Not even a month later after I start to take my medicine he told me he wanted to get divorce. The past few months are being so hard for me and being pregnant is not helping me to feel better at all, I told him that we should to counseling he doesn't believe in that, I talked to him about all my feelings and thoughts I apologized for pushing him away from me, I've been telling him that everything could change in our relationship and he still thinking the same way. He doens't even know if this is what he wants he is not even sure if he is 100% sure of his decision, he said he fells lonely and lost and I am here for him to help him but he doesn't even want my help. Please help me with some advice we are living in the same house in separate bedrooms since August I am thinking to move out with my family and come back to have the baby here, I just don't know what to do anymore so he can open his eyes, I trudly love him and I know he loves me too but I know he is hurt and scared and doesn't want to go through all over again. Any good advice?


Both you and your husband need to realize that it is a well known fact that a man's level of marital satisfaction is at its lowest point right after the birth of his first child. This is exceeded only by the birth of his second child, and so on. Since the woman has to carry the child inside her for nine months, get herself torn up from childbirth and dedicate herself 24 hours a day for months on end taking care of the newborn, a lot of people don't realize how difficult this all is on the man. It's really tough to be a new father. Also, it is not at all unusual to occupy separate bedrooms with very small children around or on the way.

I'm sure he thinks he wants a divorce but you should ask him nicely to keep it to himself. And don't move out


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Why don't you try going for counselling yourself? When he sees you going and making effort, then it might change his mind about counselling.

Don't forget too that your hormones are crazy and this will affect your behaviour. Would your husband be willing to read any books on the effects of pregnancy on a woman's body? it might help him to understand.

It sounds like your issues right now are communication. Does he have any close friends with kids who could talk to him about the changes? Maybe he is going through a depression too from being home. 

Your situation doesn't sound like one that should lead to divorce. It sounds more like you are both hurting and don't know how to approach each other. If you can find someone to help you build that bridge, it might make all the difference.

Good luck to you!! I hope it works out. Please let us know how you are doing.


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi thank you so much for the advice I am going to start going to counselling by myself, and I hope my husband will go with me in the future, you are completly right we are both hurting and we don't know how to get reconnected, so far I am the only one who wants to safe our marriage but I am willing to do any kind of effort so our communication lead us to a better place in our marriage, we taked about our mistakes and some of his issues is that he never tells me his feelings he said to me "I was hoping you noticed and do something about it" how am I going to know what he is feeling if he doesn't talk to me face to face? and my issues were more like being a full time mom and forgot about my husband I spent more time with our baby that my husband and forgot about myself too, I thought I was doing the right thing but obviosly I wasn't, now I want to show him that I want to spend more time with him and do all the things we used to but he doesn't want to give me that chance, he feels so lonely, lost and hurt emotinally that he doesn't want to see that we can work things out for the best. He also said to me "I know we can make each other very happy but we can also hurt eachother the most" I hope he wants to make this last effort in our marriage, I really do. I do love him with all my heart and I know he still loves me too.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Something that I find helpful is to stop expecting someone else to make me happy. No one can make you happy. This is something that you need to do for yourself. When you realize that you have everything you need within you, and you stop searching outside of yourself for happiness, then you become able to have a healthy, supportive relationship.


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Today is my husband birthday, I did what I could to let him know I love him, I did little things nothing big to celebrate his day but I know he liked all my little surprises, I hope this is not his last birthday with me and our son, I bought this book I found at target "The Dare" have anyone heard about it? it is a 40 days challenge for married couples and we are going to start reading it together tomorrow, I know a book won't fix our issues but it can help us to reconnect with each other, he doesn't believe in counseling but maybe doing this together can help us to find oursellves as individuals and as a couple. He said he liked the idea and thank me for the book so I feel happy to know that he is going to make the effort to read it together. Our challenge begins tomorrow yay!


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

hello everybody I was wondering if you know a good book about dealing with divorce or separation, I am not having a good day today, thank you =)


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Today I asked my husband why did you stop loving me? and he said to me: "I don't think I will never stop loving you" so if he still loves me why he doesn't want to work things out in our marriage? why he is so afraid to show his feelings to me? I've been really patient and I still have faith in our love but some days when I wake up I feel so lonely and hopeless, what else can I do to change his mind and make him feel that things can get better for us? I want him to believe me when I said I will never make him feel alone in our marriage, if someone has an advice please don't be shy and share it, thank for reading my post


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Not to upset you, but is it possible that he is involved with someone else (or was when he was away)? That could cloud his judgment and make him act strangely ("the fog"). Just an idea....


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

He is never been away, and I know for sure he is not involved with someone else, I know he would come to me and tell me if he is. I know he still loves me because he wants me to be around him when he is at home awake even when he is sleeping too. Should I ask him if he is seeing someone else or not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

By "away," I meant when he was deployed. If you don't suspect infidelity, you don't need to ask... I was just asking.


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

When he was away evenn that we were faw away from each other everything was good, I was pregnant when he left and had our baby while he was gone. I hope he is not involved with someone else bc I am still hoping he changes his mind.


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Today I feel very lonely, everyday that goes by I need him more and more. I miss him so much, this pregnancy is driving me crazy what I am trying to say is that with all the things I am going through I feel that being pregnant it is not helping me to feel better at all, I was doing good "I guess" but today I feel extremely lonely, I've been reading lately about emotional abandonment between husbands and wives and I do feel that's what happened with us, I am the one who made my husband feels that way because of my depression and now I am wondering if there's something that I can do so he can trust me and believe me that I won't ever make him feel that way again??? He has so much going on right now that I feel like he is getting depressed, he even told me the other day and I don't know what to do to help him, he knows I am here for him but I know that I hurt him to deeply that maybe he doesn't want my help, please I need some advice, how can I help him?
thanks for reading my post.


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## acsanny (Oct 25, 2011)

so he stopped loving you?is that right?


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

I know he still loves me, he even said to me "doesn't mean because we love each other things are going to get better" so if we love each other too much why he doesn't believe me I am here for him?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

stronger4u2 said:


> I know he still loves me, he even said to me "doesn't mean because we love each other things are going to get better" so if we love each other too much why he doesn't believe me I am here for him?


Why do you have to 'keep being there for him'? Sometimes I wonder if people come up with that to make their spouses cater to them. Sure you had an adjustment period doing it all on your own, then when he came home, but it's not like you were mean or cheated. Time to stop kissing his butt and he can decide if he's in or out. Out means you get custody and he pays child support.
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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Today I went to get my ultrasound to see if everything is doing ok with our baby, we found out the sex of the baby it is a boy and I am very happy about it but at the same time I was hoping to have a girl because my husband and I always wanted to have a baby girl and it breaks my heart to know that we won't have that chance if things don't work out between us. Anyway they found some fluid inside his kidneys and I am very worry about it, I know it is not my fault but I feel so angry with myself because I can't do anything about it, at the same time I feel like I have so much going on in my life that the last thing I want is to have to deal with our baby health, he is my priority and I hope everything goes well, my husband says everything will be ok and he was really support it when I told him the situation. I hope everything goes well and there's nothing wrong with our baby.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

stronger4u2 said:


> Today I went to get my ultrasound to see if everything is doing ok with our baby, we found out the sex of the baby it is a boy and I am very happy about it but at the same time I was hoping to have a girl because my husband and I always wanted to have a baby girl and it breaks my heart to know that we won't have that chance if things don't work out between us. Anyway they found some fluid inside his kidneys and I am very worry about it, I know it is not my fault but I feel so angry with myself because I can't do anything about it, at the same time I feel like I have so much going on in my life that the last thing I want is to have to deal with our baby health, he is my priority and I hope everything goes well, my husband says everything will be ok and he was really support it when I told him the situation. I hope everything goes well and there's nothing wrong with our baby.


Fluid in the kidney is a common finding on ultrasounds, especially with boys. The fluid is usually because of the "male plumbing" and sometimes the fluid does not drain as well. So long as there is fluid around the baby and the kidneys otherwise look normal, it should not be a problem.

The doctor should measure the fluid in the kidney by ultrasound once a month to make sure that there is not increased fluid.

Usually all that is necessary is an ultrasound of the baby's kidneys once he is born.

I copied above from a ob/gyn website. Please keep us updated, but i am confident all will be fine!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks golfegirl for showing suppot, I haven't get done my ultrasound yet hopefully I will the next few days or next week I've been kinda of nervous because I don't know if the baby it's in pain or what, I am thinking possitive and hopefully everything turns good. It's been awhile since my husband and I talk about us but I am starting to loose my faith in us even when we've been spending more time together like eating together, go out with our baby, watch our favorite tv shows together but we are missing the connection I don't want to ask him how he feels about us because I just feel it's not the moment yet. I just miss him so much.


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

So today I finally realized my marriage is coming to the end, I was with my husband giving him a massage because he is being complaining about his back anyway when I done with it I gave him a hug and he was holding me, he asked about what are we going to do when the baby borns and I said like what? And he said like how long I will stay here? I am from Mexico so I am moving back to Mexico because I don't have family here in the USA so. Anyway when he started to say all of those things I knew he is not going to change his decision no matter what I do to show him we can get better. I've been crying since he talked to me, he said he is sorry but I doub it, I still can't believe he is doing this to me during my pregnancy sometimes I feel he doesn't have feelings I am upset, disappointed and feel so sad. I just want this to be over so the pain goes away. Thanks for reading my post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

so in a few weeks it woulda be our 7th wedding anniversary, I don't know if I should buy him something or do something together and celebrate our wedding anniversary I mean it would be nice to celebrate because it would be our last one, things are doing good between us and even when he still thinks divorce is the only option I know he's not 100% sure yet about it his decision. What should I do? should I ask him to celebrate it together or is it a bad idea?


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Today I feel very emotional, it has been 4 months since my husband told me wants to get divorce I can't believe is going to happen after our new baby borns the time is getting closer and I am not ready to move on with my two babies and myself to another Country, I have so many mixed feelings never thought the man I love could hurt me like this and I am so disappointed of him because he didn't even try to fight for me and his family, breaks my heart that our babies won't have a daddy like the way I always thought and I never saw myself without him because he means everything to me, I don't think he is sorry at all maybe one day I will believe him. I just want to feel good with myself and be happy.


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## insomnia255 (Dec 4, 2011)

I am Ex British forces served in places like iraq, afgan etc and i used to act like your husband my wife asked me to go get counselling and i wouldnt belive in it, i used to say hurtfull things to her be mean to her and ask for a divorce and she tried hard with me. Then she said she wants to seperate and when she went i reliased what i did wrong. 

i went counselling and i was told i that i am suffering from stress due to work and combat trauma and just burying my head in the sand was how i was dealing with it. 

If your husband is prepared to go counselling with you then it could still work. it seems that your husband reason is not good enough for divorce there other issues. I used to think i didnt have a problem but the truth is, i did have a problem and just didnt know it till i went to see a counsellor.


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## needinghope (Dec 28, 2011)

Hi,
I'm in the exact same boat as you right now. 95% similar, except my husband is not in the army but working a stressful job, and we had a boy and now expecting a girl in April. But everything else you've wrote, I am in the same position. Our 7th anniversary is coming up in a month.
I don't have much advice for you as I also am not ready for a divorce that he has made up his mind on. I think he just told his parents about it tonight... that's how final it is. 
I don't know how to deal with this as I have no family as well (mom passed away 2 years ago). I love him with all my heart still and I'm not ready to give up, but because of his happiness (the lack of it) I can't do anything about it...
I can only say... may be we find emotional support from other people, otherwise I would have no idea how to go on..... I know your pain. I know how much pain you are in because I am experiencing the same pain.
Vent. Share. Get it out. I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow afternoon. Keep posting.


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

So it's been a long time since my last post, I am almost done with this pregnancy one month left yay! I've been very overwhelmed, sad, angry and have negative feelings when I should be happier than ever, the past week in a half I noticed that my husband changed his attitude with me, I felt something was going on I am not saying that thigs were good but at least I felt him closer to me in certain way, last night was his day off and he told me he was going out with some friends first I didn't believe him at all bc all his friends are far away from where we live, also I noticed that the past few weeks he added few girls to his facebook and I know his new firends are from internet bc he is the only mutual friend, so he went out last night while I was here at home taking care of our 18 month old son when he had the chance to spend time with him after sleeping all day long and not seeing him at all. So when he left I logged in into our celphone account and saw all this bunch of text messages, I knew in my heart that it was another woman and that really made me so disappointed about him that he didn't tell me the true, so today before he left to work I told him we need it to talk about him, he said he is allowed to go out with people since we are getting divorce that it wasn't a date, that he didn't tell me with details of everything like who he went out with and he said it is his own bussines, it is but I think he should respect me a little bit we are not divorce yet and all I expect from him is respect, am I wrong? I think my love for him still there but I am more hurt and disappointed of him that I believe divorce it is the best for myself. I feel so stupid because I keep thinking things will work out for us but now I am more hopeless than ever. I feel so lonely and lost, I don't know what else to do...


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## needinghope (Dec 28, 2011)

Same here.
But not that my husband is starting a relationship, but he had one since I got pregnant and had been hiding it from me. I found out in January. I have 12 more weeks left and found that I have a condition that is very dangerous to my health and the baby's health. But I can't share with my husband because he doesn't want to be with me. He's only staying back for the delivery of the baby...

The only thing that I can tell you is this:
What makes you feel like a good person?

Many people will tell you, get a divorce, and then be independent and strong. May be that's the right thing. Do what you need to do to feel like you are a good person and not one who is doing things out of anger, disappointment, and hurt.

I am still soaked in my anger, disappointment and hurt as well. But every day, I choose to continue living, doing everything I can to bless him. That makes me feel like I'm a good person. I choose to be nice to him without expecting anything in return even if he hurts me constantly with his lies. It hurts I can tell you. It will keep hurting.
But the bottom line is, don't let it change who you should be. 

If you do things out of anger, the only person who will end up hurting is yourself. It won't change him at all. So don't try to change him, have him stay in the marriage, it won't work. Work only on yourself right now. I want to feel good about myself and not continue to feel angry, hurt, and disappointed for the rest of my life. So I am working to be a better person.

I am blessed to have many people around me who can listen to me and give me good advice like this. So I pass it on to you.


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## needinghope (Dec 28, 2011)

Be Strong. Don't pity yourself. There are plenty of people who are worse off than you are. Take your eyes off yourself and look at your children. 

Every day I tell myself, the things I have to face is a new lesson.

How to love your enemy
How to forgive one who hurts you like this
How to focus on the blessings you already have
How to make yourself a better person, more attractive to yourself, more smiles on your face
How to become independent and not needing him to survive, letting go
How to continue to live a healthy happy life

These are just some of the lessons I focus on instead. Because whatever happens in the marriage, it doesn't matter. If I can master these lessons through this experience, then I will become a stronger and better person, one who is worthy of teaching my children when the day comes that they are going through difficulties. I can teach them to be strong.

Let your husband be. He is not your focus anymore. Do what you need to every day. For me, that is still taking care of his daily needs like food, laundry, etc because I feel like a good wife when I do so. When the day comes, I know I am blameless before God. I also focus on working on myself every day.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I am so sorry that you are going through all this. How awful! I have a 12 month old baby. My husband left me about 4 months ago. 

We have been married 8 years. He started an emotional affair with his graduate student while I was pregnant. He left me because he said through his relationship with his student, he realized all that was missing in our relationship. He has refused marriage counseling, and moved out.

It is so heartbreaking. It is hard when life doesn't go as planned. I feel for you because, I too sometimes hold out hope that one day he will wake up and realize what he is giving up. But, sometimes I can tend to hold on to hope until it suffacates me.

I can't imagine going through this pregnancy alone as you are. I will say a prayer for you today. 

I am so sorry.


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thank you ladies for the kind words made me feel better and also to know that someone out there can be nice and understand me a little bit. Today I asked to my husband, partner or however you want to call him to move out of the house, I think it is the best for myself so I can focus in myself, my 18 month old and the new baby how is almost here, I need to be calm, relax and not to worry about his behavior, I really need to have some peace in my life and the past 8 months I've being very miserable, while I was talking to him he looked sad and I think he wasn't expecting me to say something like that but he said he will try to look for some other place and that I was right and I deserve to be calm and relax, the only two big issues is we only have one car and we are going to some financial problem so I know this is not the best time to bring this up but like I said before it is what I need right now, I hope he can move out ASAP because being around the house and sees him makes me very uncomfortable and angry. I hope I can have the peace that I need for the next month until the baby borns.


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## stronger4u2 (Oct 26, 2011)

so my husband got a good job that he wanted for so long, he is leaving on Monday for 25 days, I am so happy he got this job but at the same time I am so scared nervous and anxious because since he asked me for divorce we are going to be separate well I went to Mexico for 3 weeks after he asked me he wanted to get divorce so this is the second time we will be far away from each other. I am scared because I finally will see how my future it's going to be without him, I am nervous to go on labor and don't have him there with me for the second time I mean my mom will be there but it's not the same, I really need him with me, I want to share this last experience together, also I am sad because I feel like he is not going to keep talking with this new "friend" more than me, I hope this new chapter in his life make him realize we can still work things out, I hope he misses me and his son, I don't know I am very emotional and I have lots of thoughts good ones and bad ones, some other times when he was deployed I knew we were together and we had each other but this time it is completly different. I just hope this help us in some way I really do.


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