# Need advice



## Boredguy (9 mo ago)

Married to a woman of 16 years, together 19 years.3 kids who are all in they teens now. I dont love her anymore and our sex life is once a month. We did marriage counselling onlne during lockdown, (we tried what was suggested but this lasted all of 4 days until everything went back to the same old routine) 

wife doesnt want to see anyone in person due to her anxiety problems, i have major anxiety too which is why i would never want to meet anyone in person either. Wife cant see anything wrong in our marriage, but im bored and unhappy and it does make me depressed. 

I've thought about leaving/divorce many times over the years but dont have the funds to leave, im happier when im alone or when its just me and the kids and i know i would be much better off for my mental and physical health / financially and i would be better for the kids too. I've stuck it out all this time as i dont want to upset the kids or for them to resent me ( or to be turned against me, as when we have had arguments in the past wife usually gets the kids too take her side and they all turn on me then). 
Whenever i try and talk to the wife about any problems she gets all defensive and doesnt listen, she cant see anything wrong in our marriage and is set in her ways. When i do try and talk to her she goes sulking until i apologize. Which i usually do as the kids can see that i have upset her. She is worse than the kids sometimes.

I dont know what to do for the best anymore i feel like im walking on eggshells all the time, as she could kick off any moment and another argument will entail. 

Sorry about the long post and thanks for reading.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to get your own mental health in order before you start worrying about your wife’s. 
It’s like when you are on a plane and in the safety demonstration they tell you to get your own life jacket on before trying to help anyone else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if you both need to do something to sort out your anxiety issues. I mean not even being able to go to meet a M counselor in person due to anxiety is very extreme. Have either if you had medical help or therapy for it? 

If you were both able to improve in that way individually, things should improve dramatically in the marriage.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Boredguy said:


> I've stuck it out all this time as i dont want to upset the kids or for them to resent me


Stick it out until the youngest turns 18, then do what you want. They don't deserve to have their lives torn apart just because you are bored. Be a man and take care of your kids.


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## desperateindenver (4 mo ago)

Boredguy said:


> im happier ... when its just me and the kids


that's how it was for me for years. My wife and i fought a lot, mostly about dumb stuff. She didn't like outdoor activities, so i took my kids places without her


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## desperateindenver (4 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> You need to get your own mental health in order before you start worrying about your wife’s.
> It’s like when you are on a plane and in the safety demonstration they tell you to get your own life jacket on before trying to help anyone else.


this, 100%

I feel like i can't breathe and my therapist said that "i need to put my oxygen mask on before helping others".

I feel like I'm drowning


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## Boredguy (9 mo ago)

desperateindenver said:


> this, 100%
> 
> I feel like i can't breathe and my therapist said that "i need to put my oxygen mask on before helping others".
> 
> I feel like I'm drowning


Yeah same i feel suffocated too.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Boredguy said:


> Whenever i try and talk to the wife about any problems she gets all defensive and doesnt listen, she cant see anything wrong in our marriage and is set in her ways.


What exactly do you say to her?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Boredguy said:


> Married to a woman of 16 years, together 19 years.3 kids who are all in they teens now. I dont love her anymore and our sex life is once a month. We did marriage counselling onlne during lockdown, (we tried what was suggested but this lasted all of 4 days until everything went back to the same old routine)
> 
> wife doesnt want to see anyone in person due to her anxiety problems, i have major anxiety too which is why i would never want to meet anyone in person either. Wife cant see anything wrong in our marriage, but im bored and unhappy and it does make me depressed.
> 
> ...


You need to fix yourself before you spend any more time worrying about your ****ing marriage dude. 
Based on what you described, you have extreme anxiety (generalized fear) that is affecting your life and preventing you from being a competent, functional person (i.e. the ability to meet a therapist in person) and you seem extremely passive (that’s bad).

You need to work on yourself first, because even if your wife/marriage is substandard (clearly it is), you probably won’t be able to do any better in your current state anyway. 
So work on yourself, and go from there.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> You need to fix yourself before you spend any more time worrying about your ****ing marriage dude.
> Based on what you described, you have extreme anxiety (generalized fear) that is affecting your life and preventing you from being a competent, functional person (i.e. the ability to meet a therapist in person) and you seem extremely passive (that’s bad).
> 
> You need to work on yourself first, because even if your wife/marriage is substandard (clearly it is), you probably won’t be able to do any better in your current state anyway.
> So work on yourself, and go from there.


100 %....OP , read this a few times. Truth


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Boredguy said:


> Married to a woman of 16 years, together 19 years.3 kids who are all in they teens now. I dont love her anymore and our sex life is once a month. We did marriage counselling onlne during lockdown, (we tried what was suggested but this lasted all of 4 days until everything went back to the same old routine)
> 
> wife doesnt want to see anyone in person due to her anxiety problems, i have major anxiety too which is why i would never want to meet anyone in person either. Wife cant see anything wrong in our marriage, but im bored and unhappy and it does make me depressed.
> 
> ...


It is not a long post. My heart goes out to you.

Understand that it is not going to get any better unless the two of you both decide to improve your marriage.

I strongly recommend that you read MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. Once a month is horrible, but not yest a sex starved marriage. I would also suggest you read Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. After you have studied both books, Get a Life. Those are code words on becoming a more integrated man, who is not codependent, but is proud and confident on his accomplishments.

You sound like someone who is settling for a life you don't want. That is a horrible waste of life.

Work on getting a life, a meaningful life. Once you have found your life goals and are happy with your life, the sex will be easy to get. I was in a sex starved marriage and got a life. I promised myself that I would be in a loving sexual relationship b a certain date. Changed myself. Offered my wife the opportunity to save our marriage by going to a Sex Therapist, who saved our marriage. With the right help, you can restructure and save your marriage.

Good luck to you.


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## Boredguy (9 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Stick it out until the youngest turns 18, then do what you want. They don't deserve to have their lives torn apart just because you are bored. Be a man and take care of your kids.


I have thought about leaving many times and would it be best when my youngest turns 18, (thats another 8 years). i've always been a hands on dad and taking care of my kids and would do anything for them. But im not sure if i can do another month let alone 8 years. 
I'll tell you what let me drop my wife off to you and then you decide whats best after a while with wife.


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