# Happy too soon????



## yellowtears (Nov 2, 2009)

H had a PA for 4 months. I found out 6 weeks ago. At the time I thought it was less than it was - texting, phone calls, lunch, drinks and some kissing. Of course I suspected more but H swore up and down there was no ***. I though we were doing good. Seeing a counselor. Talking constantly. Going out on dates and out to lunch. Being intimate. I was so happy he was with me and not with her. I thought we could use it as a wake up call and make our marriage stronger and better. I cried every day for 5 weeks but I was finally in a really good place.

Two days ago I got an email from the girlfriend. Most of what she said I know but she also says it was very physical. I confronted H. He admits it. I am so mad. Not necessarially because it was physical since I really suspected it all along. But because I thought while we were being so close and reconnecting we were actually beyond all the lying. 

He says he didn't tell me the full truth to protect me. Now I feel like I'm going to get bits and scraps of info although I don't know what more could be hidden to make it any worse.

When I got the new info. I didn't cry. I just sat and listened while he cried and talked about how sorry he was. Maybe I'm all cried out or am I done with the whole mess and emotionally checking out????

For 24 hours I didn't want to touch him or kiss him. Last night I just gave in. I want the marriage to work. I forgive him. I want to get back to the happy place we were just at. Last night we talked and I felt great again. I feel like I can either hold on to the bad feelings or let go and try to get what I really want in a happy marriage.

My question is - am I a fool? Is it possible to really forgive this quickly? Am I just blocking out the new pain and will it all come crashing down on me at some point? Do I need to hate him for a while before I can forgive him and feel good about us again. 

I already spent 5 weeks in lots of pain. But the new news is so much more disgusting to me. plus it is hard to understand how I thought we were healing just to find out he is still lying. 

I want to be whole and happy again but am I going too fast?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

When ever an infidelity occurs, forgiveness is a required part of recovery. Whether it comes early or late is of little consequence in my mind. But you do need to keep in mind that he has cheated on you and lied to you so forgiveness does not equate to blind faith. Also forgiveness does not equal trust. He is lucky to have received your forgiveness. He is obligated to gain your trust. He needs to be an open book to you. He needs to accept your suspicions as they are a result of his poor choices. Believe me, your times will come when you will wonder, question and doubt him. If you have forgiven him that is wonderful for you but there is a lot of work ahead for you both. Move forward but keep in mind how you got here.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I understand where you are. I found out about my H's A 3 weeks ago today. His PA lasted for several weeks but it hurts just the same. I, too, have chose to forgive and move on. We have used it as a HUGE wake up call in our marriage and have have reconnected in every way. So much so, that I can't believe it's only been 3 weeks, seem likes months. In fact, I asked him last night just that. I asked if he was still thinking about her - he said no he hasn't and I asked how he can be so in love with me now when 3 weeks ago he wasn't sure. For us, he never completely stopped loving me. I stopped showing him love by my actions and how I treated him. (sad but true) So, he no longer felt I loved him and said he was hard to love someone that didnt' love you back. Instead he built up a wall of anger/resentment. BUT once he found out how much I loved him and have showed him, all the feelings are back at the surface, he had suppressed them. 

We see the counselor on Tuesday. I am a bit scared but not sure why. I, too, am waiting for the other shoe to fall but I am not going to let this A ruin my marriage or my happiness. I refuse! 

I can totally see how upset you can be because he didn't tell you EVERYTHING. Could it be true that he knew how much he already hurt you that he didnt' think you needed the other details? Perhaps. My H hasn't denied me any of my questions and trust me, after I asked some were hard to hear. The only thing he has conveyed that he won't answer are specific details as to what they did, etc. He said that nothing will come of that but hurting me more and there is no reason for it. Can't say I don't agree - the pictures I paint in my mind are vivid enough! I know the OW H has asked her. (the OW was a good friend) 

I say continue trying to move on. Don't be naive, be cautious but if you are both committed I think you can move past. At least that's what I am hoping!

GOod Luck to you!


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I understand your question, YellowTears. I asked myself the same thing too. But the reality is that everyone heals/deals with an affair at their own pace.....you and I just did it quicker than most. I frankly surprised myself. I never knew how strong I really am, and I think I suprised my H too.

For me, the fact that my H was so remorseful, apologetic, and truly broken by his actions helped me a lot. Also, he was completely honest when I asked questions, and he didn't hide a thing. I didn't like hearing all the answers, they hurt a lot, but he answered them. ( I think a lot of cheaters try to soften the blow. They hold back to spare us further pain, or because they are so ashamed, but that's such a mistake). 

Don't worry about healing according to anyone else's yardstick...keep moving forward at your own pace. And remember, there will be hard days ahead, don't kid yourself. But they get better with the passage of time.


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