# Am I being unreasonable?



## Wiseguy (Feb 23, 2015)

About a month ago, my wife interviewed for a job with her current employer and was intially told it would require up to 25% overnight travel within the United States. We talked about the 25% travel and I stated that I do not like the idea of her being away from our family (we have a 16 year old and an eleven year old, but if the max it would be is 25%, I could make it work.

Last week I asked her if she had heard anything regarding the job, she told me that her current boss stopped by her desk and said she was going to be offered the job, but it is actually going to require 50% travel, and asked if she was still interested. She told him "Yes". I immediately told her that that would be too much travel and I am against it.

I assumed she told her boss she wanted to pass up on the job, but she did not. Last Friday we got into an argument about it, and now we are not talking. Am I being unreasonable?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Nope. That's a lot of time away from the home.

I could give you a long answer that would in no way take away from that fact.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am curious why she did not first talk to you about it because it first since it impacts you as well...that is being disrespectful.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Those jobs are for single people without families. Your wife is okay not seeing you and the kids for 2 weeks out of every month?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Wiseguy said:


> About a month ago, my wife interviewed for a job with her current employer and was intially told it would require up to 25% overnight travel within the United States. We talked about the 25% travel and I stated that I do not like the idea of her being away from our family (we have a 16 year old and an eleven year old, but if the max it would be is 25%, I could make it work.
> 
> Last week I asked her if she had heard anything regarding the job, she told me that her current boss stopped by her desk and said she was going to be offered the job, but it is actually going to require 50% travel, and asked if she was still interested. She told him "Yes". I immediately told her that that would be too much travel and I am against it.
> 
> I assumed she told her boss she wanted to pass up on the job, but she did not. Last Friday we got into an argument about it, and now we are not talking. Am I being unreasonable?


No you're not being unreasonable at all.

Marraige is a two way street and I understand that this is her career but she cannot prioritize it over and above family.

That way lies madness.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Do you ever travel for work?

If not, what is your opinion of men traveling 50% of the time for work?


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## Wiseguy (Feb 23, 2015)

I work locally, so I never travel for work. 

I can't understand why she would do this. She initially told me she may be asked to travel to the Phillipines for two weeks, and I told her I didn't like the thought of her travel to the other side of the planet alone. Then the 25% travel job came up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm wondering how much of this is discussion, and how much is you stating your POV? Are you getting agreement with her that 25% is the max acceptable amount of travel, or are you telling her that, and assuming she's on the same page as you? 

C


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I work from my home office. I travel maybe 2x per year to visit sites. I think it is crazy for other guys to have jobs that require 50% travel. It is fine if you do it while single or maybe even in the early years of marriage. I have a few friends that had jobs like this early in their marriages and it worked out. However, as kids come into the picture, I think that excessive travel needs to go. My friends who did it felt that same way as well.

So, I think it is wrong for the man or the woman to travel that much.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

50% is way too much, for man or a woman with family.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Right answer wrong reason. It is you who is missing the evenings home not the kids at those ages.

Unasked question. How are you going to handle this as a couple? Are you going to dictate and then lock up if you don't get your way? Are you going to let go of your insecurity and communicate to a real solution?

Summary, your offence is reasonable. You thought you had an understanding, but you didn't. Your response and your current stance is not reasonable or helpful. In essence you are holding your breath until she does what you want.
MN


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

I would say yes provided you pay for 50% of another woman to take your place in the family, no you are not being unreasonable, she is.


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## Wiseguy (Feb 23, 2015)

PB Bear,

I told her 25% is the absolute maximum I feel comfortable in regard to her traveling. She told her boss 505 would be ok with her, but did not tell me until after the fact.

One other note, she originally told me she would probably get a small raise (very small for the amount of travel) and an upgrade in her pay level. She has since found out she will get neither.

Why would she want this so bad?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

On further thought. When we were newly wed, My Boss called me in to tell me the good news. He had wrangled a schedule where I would only have to work 25% of the Saturdays. I was happy, every other Saturday was very hard on newlyweds. Unfortunately I forgot in my ecstasy that my boss was a psychology major and therefore had a limited grasp of simple mathematics. From that day until the day I quit I worked 3 out of every four Saturdays. 
MN


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## Wiseguy (Feb 23, 2015)

Mr. Nail, 

How can you say I am dictating my way, when she accepted 50% without even discussing it with me. 

As far as our relationship, I told her I did not marry her, to be a single father.


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## Wiseguy (Feb 23, 2015)

I just think that she and her employer have put us into a very difficult position, and now I am the bad guy because after 16 years of marriage, I have to accept my wife being away from our family half the time. 

In addition, I make as much as she does, so it's not like I'm being petty because she makes more


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Wiseguy said:


> PB Bear,
> 
> I told her 25% is the absolute maximum I feel comfortable in regard to her traveling. She told her boss 505 would be ok with her, but did not tell me until after the fact.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you dictated, and she didn't agree. 

How's your relationship other than this incident? What would she say is the biggest problem in your marriage? I can think of a number of reasons why she would want to travel so much, but it's HER reasons that are important. 

C


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I am an expat who travels for work nearly full-time. I see it every day the issues caused by travel.

Your gut is leading you right. If it bothers you then you need get this resolved now and stand your ground.

My guess is your wife is seeing travel as interesting and appealing and exciting. Until all those new places become the same old thing. 

My advice for any family is never travel a lot unless family goes with you. Seen too many divorces and affairs to think otherwise.

If there is even a tiny crack in your marriage then this will spread it wide open.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

50% travel is a BIG deal, and her employer is out of line for springing in on her - after "advertisng" it as a 25%.

Just my opinion, but I think SHE was a little unreasonable in accepting it without discussing it further.

If it meant enough to her travelling 25% to talk it over with you first, why would she accept 50% without discussing it further?

Living apart WILL affect your relationship!


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## Wiseguy (Feb 23, 2015)

PBear,

I apologize for the confusion. I was merely stating that when we had originally talked it over, we both thought 25% travel was alot. But if she could advance, it may be worth it.

Our relationship otherwise has been very good, I do feel like we could spend more quality time together.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wiseguy said:


> Mr. Nail,
> 
> How can you say I am dictating my way, when she accepted 50% without even discussing it with me.
> 
> As far as our relationship, I told her I did not marry her, to be a single father.


I'm willing to try this one more time this time carefully not making any accusations or judgments on your behavior.

How are you two Together going to solve this?
MN


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BTW, don't get me wrong. That much travel even a healthy relationship. And her taking it without discussing with you is hugely disrespectful to you and the kids. But I suspect these are symptoms of the real problems. 

C


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Wiseguy said:


> I just think that she and her employer have put us into a very difficult position, and now I am the bad guy because after 16 years of marriage, I have to accept my wife being away from our family half the time.
> 
> In addition, I make as much as she does, so it's not like I'm being petty because she makes more


Her employer had nothing to do with putting you into this position. This is all on her. Has she traveled for work before??? 25% of the time??? anything near 50%? Its not what she thinks it is...it's lame...very lame..

I routinely have to dispatch crews to remote locations where they will be away from home 3 weeks out of every month for...wait for it...wait for it....years at a time...the longest was 3 years. 

On the projects that last more than 6 months..we have something close to a 60% divorce rate. Its so hard a marriage. I do my utmost to send single guys when possible and newlywed guys never. 

If she isn't doubling her pay (at a minimum) for 50% travel she is nuts to take the position.


ETA: You are not the bad guy. You do not have to accept this if you do not want to. There will be consequences for both of you if you refuse and for both of you if she refuses NOT to take it. 

If there was ever a hill to die on.. this is it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what did she have to say when she came home and told you that she accepted the job with 50% travel and no compensation? I imagine your first response was something like "Why did you do that?"... What reason did she give? 

C


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

50% travel is too much for a married person, man or woman. Put kids in the mix and it puts it over the edge.

I would hate my husband to be gone 50% of the time. It was bad enough when he had to go interstate for 2 weeks for work last year, I hated it!


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## Wiseguy (Feb 23, 2015)

As of yet, she has not been officially offered the job yet, but her immediate boss has told her she will be offered the position by his boss. 

When this all started, she had a chance to make a lateral move staying at her same pay grade and compensation, with no travel and she didn't even pursue it.


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