# Not even sure if I am wrong for feeling the way I do.



## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

I need to vent. I have nowhere and no one to talk about this. So I found this page just to vent.

I have been married for 17 years. I have 4 children. My wife has been out of work for most of this year. She seems to have little motivation. In all reality she has the college education and should be able to make more money than I. 4 years ago we had a brief separation after her mom died. She had looked me in the eyes and told me she had not loved me in years. We have since went to counseling and got back together. She swears she didn’t really mean it. She said many things during that time that still sting to this day.

About two years ago she started running marathons. I have always been supportive. I cant run myself, I have a bad hip. She did inspire me to start bike riding and get off my butt at least. I try to stay in shape.

However she is taking it all to the next level. All she talks about, all she talks to, every aspect of her life now seems to revolve around running. She is very motivated. It seems all I have time to do is work. Im pushing 60 hours a week. We are still not getting caught up. I am living week to week. The stress is killing me. She gets mad at me for stressing saying it will not change anything. I really wish she would stress a little for me and help more but her excuses on why she isn’t working is growing larger and larger.

I started to feel slighted. As if my family is not her main priority anymore. She seems more interested in beating her last race time than my own health. I never knew how bad stress could be to your health until this year. I get chest pains, I am filled with anxiety and I feel bipolar. She blames me saying I dwell on what we don’t have too much. Thing is I am not dwelling on toys, I am dwelling on bills and feeding my children. We have nasty text conversations about this at least 3 days a week. Its to the point I cant even talk about being stressed because she gets mad.

Last week I went down her Facebook. I notice almost all her post for the last several months are all about running. I see other wifes with husbands who work as hard as me, they seem to appreciate it. The love their husbands and let the word know. They post pictures and nice comments. I don’t get that, she post about running, talks to her running friends, sometimes she brags about the kids but I am barely mentioned. If you looked at her wall you can think she is already divorced.

I tried to talk to her about how I feel last week and she got angry. Anytime I voice how I feel it seems we end in a fight. She denies this.

This weekend she did something out of character. We had a holiday party. She stood up in front of everyone and sang me a song. She said she wanted to show me in front of everyone how she felt. I still have my doubts. I still keep hearing the words she spoke to me 4 years ago and she seems to love running more. She is around guys with ripped muscles and seem to have more in common with them. Its killing my self esteem, I feel like less of a man and I am thinking of making big changes soon.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Running can be an expensive activity. Has she been negatively impacted by your financial situation? Do you two budget together, so she shares some of the stress? Why isn't she working? 

C


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

PBear said:


> Running can be an expensive activity. Has she been negatively impacted by your financial situation? Do you two budget together, so she shares some of the stress? Why isn't she working?
> 
> C


I've handed over my pay check for 16 years into our joint account. She is bad with money and has many excuses on why she is still not working.


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

I really want to believe she is having an affair but I have found no proof.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> I really want to believe she is having an affair but I have found no proof.


this was why my brother got divorced. Apparently running, led to hanging with OM too much. This is very common, based on rumors I have heard.

To run a marathon, she is probably spending 4 hours a day training, minimum. You should carve out 4 hours a day to one of your hobbies and see if she squirms.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Actions speak louder than words. 

What exactly has she done with her actions to show you that she loves you? 

Her not getting a job or caring to get one = Financial Negligence

You need to tell her that finding a JOB should be her utmost priority. 

Then you need to watch her actions and see if her words/actions align.

Ask her to make a list of priorities in her life and put it on paper and give it to you. 

Chances are HIGH, you are not #1. And you should be.

Right now, she needs to make YOU the priority, JOB a priority and her family her priority....and running is a sidekick that she MIGHT be able to do if she has time etc. There is no need to do it with other people etc, if she loves it....tell her to run....

People she is hanging around is what she is becoming. I see these groups ALL THE TIME around the town I live in. They get together and run. To me, group/herd mentality is not a healthy one. I've been down that road with # of things in my life (cars, sports etc). Sure, I love to get up with my buddies to play some basketball once or twice a week....but every day? NO, that would have a BIG effect on my marriage and family (which are my priority).

Last and more important advice, what she tells you ...take with a grain of salt. Her actions is what you document/record and evaluate (literally a spreadsheet). In couple of weeks or months show her ON PAPER how much time she dedicated to YOU....to her FAMILY.....to finding a JOB....and Running.

If that doesn't give her reality check, nothing ever will.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

CHBAR said:


> I really want to believe she is having an affair but I have found no proof.


Plant a voice activated recorder in her car.

If you decide to to this let us know so you do it right.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So is she over spending out of your joint account? Do you have a budget? Are there expenses you can cut out? Do you need to create a new account for your check to go in, and just put an allowance in the joint account for her spending? 

As far as her cheating, what have you done to check that out? 

And Naiveonedave... 4 hours a day training is a ridiculous figure, imho. I've trained with a professional coach, and for marathon training, daily runs were in the 1 to 1.5 hour range, with a longer run on the weekends. A 4 hour training session would be the equivalent of a full marathon, and doing one of those daily would not be training smart. Your body would break down in short order. 

C


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sounds ok to me?

Restructure your finances maybe?

My wife got into the running and fitness thing many years ago and found a lot of confidence and happiness. Plus her body is as taught as a teenagers now!:smthumbup:

If you don't have any proof then just enjoy your dynamic wife. She sounds like she loves you. People do say things they later regret. Has happened in my marriage mostly from Mrs. Conan. I never let it slide and challenge her is she says something horrible and she has always come around and been embarrassed.

Sometimes, women especially, people let their emotions get carried away and say things they later regret.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. If she wants more toys and a higher lifestyle, then she better get off her ass, so to speak, and start bringing in some $$$.

If she is being careless with finances and pulling you guys down then cut her off for things that are not needs. Running is pretty cheap for the most part.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: Not even sure if I am wrong for feeling the way I do.*



ConanHub said:


> P.S. If she wants more toys and a higher lifestyle, then she better get off her ass, so to speak, and start bringing in some $$$.
> 
> If she is being careless with finances and pulling you guys down then cut her off for things that are not needs. Running is pretty cheap for the most part.


Shoes and races are not particularly cheap, btw... When training seriously, I go through a pair of shoes every two months at $100 to 200 a pop. Races can be $100, plus travel expenses. Supplements and clothes, etc. Seems like a cheap sport, but it adds up quickly if you let it

C


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

PBear said:


> Shoes and races are not particularly cheap, btw... When training seriously, I go through a pair of shoes every two months at $100 to 200 a pop. Races can be $100, plus travel expenses. Supplements and clothes, etc. Seems like a cheap sport, but it adds up quickly if you let it
> 
> C


I knew someone would mention this. My wife is a marathon class runner and goes to many events and runs with many groups. There are many ways to do it on the cheap. She also does not have to run in super expensive events to really enjoy the sport.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As a runner I know it can be addictive. You're always reaching for faster or longer. So, 

1 - Separate finances. Your paycheck goes into an account for bills. 

2 - You both get an allowance. $x per week.

3 - If she needs new running shoes or race registration it comes out of her allowance. If you need a new bike it comes out of yours.

4 - Put aside your feelings for past things she said. You can't drive forward if you keep looking at the rear view mirror.

5 - When you pay bills, talk to her. Tell her "My paycheck was for $X, the bills I paid was $Y. We have $Z left over for next weeks bills.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> I really want to believe she is having an affair but I have found no proof.


What kind of phone does your wife use?

And also (just out of curiosity), which song was it that she sang for you?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: Not even sure if I am wrong for feeling the way I do.*



ConanHub said:


> I knew someone would mention this. My wife is a marathon class runner and goes to many events and runs with many groups. There are many ways to do it on the cheap. She also does not have to run in super expensive events to really enjoy the sport.


I agree that it CAN be done cheaply, but it can also be relatively expensive. Depends on the fiscal responsibility of said runner.  

C


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> What kind of phone does your wife use?
> 
> And also (just out of curiosity), which song was it that she sang for you?


Gus is da man when it comes to phones. If you need to snoop her phone, he can work some magic for you.

Snooping is not necessarily bad to get piece of mind when red flags are there. Are there any red flags?

You do seem a little on the insecure side though.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. I do think you two could benefit from more MC.

She is not building trust with some of her actions and attitudes.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

I don't think there's anything wrong with your wife running; but what it sounds like is that there is something wrong with your wife...........from your perspective at least; which is the only one that counts. 
sounds like you consider the things she said to you a few years ago as being more indicative of how she really feels about you than any pleasantries she offers up now. 
If that is your view, then you have a right to it. But maintaining the status quo then will kill your spirit and lessen the chance of you ever finding someone better. 

I think you're asking us a question that we don't know the answer to - but that YOU DO. you need to act on your insights; not merely reflect.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Have you checked her phone bill?
VAR in her car like yesterday.
Bank acct for you only put half in joint.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Last week I went down her Facebook. I notice almost all her post for the last several months are all about running. I see other wifes with husbands who work as hard as me, they seem to appreciate it. The love their husbands and let the word know. They post pictures and nice comments. I don’t get that, she post about running, talks to her running friends, sometimes she brags about the kids but I am barely mentioned. If you looked at her wall you can think she is already divorced.

I am not saying she is cheating...yet.
She has definitely checked out of the marriage though.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Make no bones about it,,, any 'hobby' that negatively impacts on personal relationships qualifies as an addiction by definition.

This is more than the addictive chemicals produced by running,, it's filling a psychological void too.

It's as damaging on relationships as any other addiction you care to name. Look at the other similarities.

Selfish persuit of the addiction at the expense of all else.

Denial that it's a problem.

Anger when confronted about it.

Near obsession with it. Seeks out runners like a drug addict seeks fellow addicts and dealers.

She has an advantage over most drug addicts. She has you funding her habit.

This will be hard to break while she's in denial.

Stop funding it. If she won't quit at least make her work PT and pay for it.

This activity may be healthy for her, but for the rest of you she may as well be on crack.

It's every bit as serious. She's plugging some hole in her life with it and she'll fight rather than own up and confront it.

Doubt you can have an intervention for runners, despite the damage she's causing, but you can part-intervene by cutting off her funding.

She really needs therapy.

Next time she argues,, confront her with the defining traits of addiction.

Addiction | Psychology Today

I doubt there's an OM involved. She's getting all the kicks she needs from her stopwatch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

She can spend all this time on her hobby, but can't find a job or won't find a job, but is happy watching you work 60 hours a week while she lives the life she wants????

Selfish, entitled princess.

I wouldn't stand for this, why can't she at least get a part time job so you can reduce your hours, and spend a little time together? 

Personally I wouldn't stand for this!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what kind of changes are you thinking of, OP? Have the two of you ever done any counselling? How old are your kids? Are they your wife's, as well? 

C


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ricky15100 said:


> She can spend all this time on her hobby, but can't find a job or won't find a job, but is happy watching you work 60 hours a week while she lives the life she wants????
> 
> Selfish, entitled princess.
> 
> ...


She really is taking you for granted at the very least.
You can't control her but you can darn sure control with what you will or will not put up with.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get two books

No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Married Mans Sex Life Primer.

Speaking of sex do you have any or has that fallen off the cliff.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

CHBAR,

I'm curious as to what her 'excuses' are for her not working or looking for work.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

THis is not a marriage. She is not acting like a wife. She sang for you becuase it was convenient and made her look good in front of her friiends. She already knows it's not a proper marriage and she's not a good wife. Do not have any conversations regarding what you already know and what she already knows. Give her a choice between a life with you and a proper marriage or a divorce. See what she takes.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

CHBAR said:


> I really want to believe she is having an affair but I have found no proof.


Why do you want to believe that?

If you want out.. then you know what you need to do.

However given your financial situation, and the fact that she hasn't worked throughout the marriage, you're probably going to take a huge financial hit. Might be tough to even afford a place of your own. 

Unless you live in one of those states that punishes cheaters.. not too many of those left and you need solid proof, and you'll still need to pay child support unless you can possibly pull off custody, but you being the breadwinner, her being the primary caregiver.. that's not very likely. A skilled attorney might improve your chances but that's going to cost you.



Vega said:


> CHBAR,
> 
> I'm curious as to what her 'excuses' are for her not working or looking for work.


Does it even matter? She's gotten away with it for the better part of 2 decades, that's not likely to change. It might matter during a divorce trial when she's trying to get him for spousal support but again, in many states, long term marriages = spousal support.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lenzi, he said she's been out of work for most of this year, I think... 

C


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

If she is able bodied to work, then she needs to get a job to help her family. Running should be on the bottom of the list when it comes to her family, make some dinner and serve one of her running shoes on a plate for her, She is being selfish 

I would stand up to her and tell her to get a job or get out, if she gets mad so be it. You can not continue like this you could have a heart attack since your stressing so bad your chest hurts.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I don't think a marriage can survive a 60 hour a week job, 4 kids and training for marathons. It is almost certain that time would over-lap, and someone would get shafted. 

Negotiate a $ and time amount on running, time with family, time for (maybe) a PT job, and time alone with YOU- her HUSBAND! Also, if she doesn't work, she should be focused on taking care of the household, kids and less on running. Meet her needs too, this could work. Good luck!


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

Just responding to a few things a read here.

My house is disgusting. She is bad at managing the household. She is bad at making the kids do anything, then when I come home she complains she had to do so much. Yet most of the time much of the same mess was there when I left for work. I am always telling her to be harder with the kids. I come home, have to be the bad guy, plus I am expected to help out of course. She complains alot more about cleaning than actually cleaning.

Sex life, whole other story. I will be honest its the only thing keeping me together sometimes. While trying to remain tasteful, I will say we both very much like sex with each other.

Yes I check phone bills. Since I caught some text and phone records years ago, she has wised up. I don't see a pattern of repeated numbers to anyone other than her friends. I don't check on a regular basis but I do find myself glancing occasionally when I happen to be on the website.

I understand why she doesn't work during the day. Due to life circumstances that would be a whole other discussion, we are helping raise a baby for the next year or so at least. It makes no sense for her to work during the day with the cost of child care. I would be so grateful for any income to help give me a little oxygen under this blanket of stress suffocating me.

She sang me our wedding song.

I love her. I was never this insecure person though. I hate what I am becoming.


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

Oh also...

ABout the financial hit if I was to divorce. I saw her all the way to a Masters Degree. I helped her build her own business that did well for us for about 10 years. She wanted out however because she said it was taking up to much time and when the economy went down the income was cut in half. She had a couple jobs after that but for the last 5 years she seems like she wants to be nothing more than a stay at home mom. Mean while I have to pay her student loans!!!

She is a good cook, a good lay and when we are alone and forget about the world, I love her company. Marriage wasn't supposed to be so complicated.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think when your kids are older, things are going to feel a lot better.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you've got 4 kids PLUS a baby? Or 4 including the baby? How old are the others? 

And BTW, there's about 17 billion app out there that allow communications that won't show on your phone bill. 

C


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> Just responding to a few things a read here.
> 
> My house is disgusting. She is bad at managing the household. She is bad at making the kids do anything, then when I come home she complains she had to do so much. Yet most of the time much of the same mess was there when I left for work. I am always telling her to be harder with the kids. I come home, have to be the bad guy, plus I am expected to help out of course. She complains alot more about cleaning than actually cleaning.
> 
> ...


If she isn't doing housework who is she doing?


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

So I sat down and told my wife that starting in the new year her and my daughter (who is 17 and had a baby, thats the baby I was talking about, we are helping her through school) have to come up with 500 every two week to contribute. I explained what the stress is doing to my health and how I am unhappy being stressed and miserable all the time. I think that is a reasonable dollar amount for the two of them to achieve and it will pay off some of my bills.

She responded by telling me to **** off. She said if the family makes me so unhappy then just leave. All I do is complain and act like they are all a burden.

So now I am back to feeling like the bad guy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So my hb and I are both avid distance runners so I feel like I can really speak to this. I've got a marathon next month that I expect to run sub 8 minute pace for if that puts it into perspective. We both put in over 40 miles per week. We also both work (well hubby got laid off but he's looking), cook, clean the house, and I have two boys. Someone suggested 4 hours a day training..... that's ridiculous. 

What you're describing is someone that doesn't want to be married to you but will take your money as long as she can. And endurance athletes can be extremely selfish, I have seen people wreck their marriages over their training. 

She has called your bluff, so I would highly recommend you file for divorce right now. She doesn't like you, doesn't want to be married to you, and doesn't respect you. Stop working so much and file for custody of your kids, with her focus on running she probably doesn't want them anyway except for the child support she can get, but if you can show them living in filth with her you might get them. But she will have to get a job without you. .... she doesn't work because she doesn't want to work and as long as she has you around she doesn't have to. She's lazy. 

Your bluff has been called..... stop being a victim and get rid of her now.
Your kids aren't a burden, but she is.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I cannot fathom being talked to like that. I would file yesterday. What a byatch!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Never lay out a boundary you're not willing to enforce. I'm with the others. Your wife doesn't respect you, and your only use to her is apparently as a paycheck. 

Having said that, your approach seems flawed. Coming to her as someone looking to find a solution together might have gone further than what it seems you did. I'm on my phone now so I'm not going back through previous posts, but have you guys tried counselling? 

C


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Seems like you need to get her attention.

I would file right now and let that sink in a little. 
She has a friggin Masters' and she isnt working?
Your daughter got pregnant so what is SHE doing for the house?

Her responce to you was disrespectful and plain rude.
She doesnt respect you or the contributions you make.
The only way to make her understand is take them all away.

She is acting like a child...so treat her like one.


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

I tried being civil and honest this morning. She brought the conversation in so many different direction that my head is spinning. I am moving out tonight. Sucks this is all going down right before Christmas. My kids don't deserve this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are YOU moving out? Is that her choice or yours? 

C


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

I have a place to go, she does not. I just cant live with someone who has no regard for my well being.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> I tried being civil and honest this morning. She brought the conversation in so many different direction that my head is spinning. I am moving out tonight. Sucks this is all going down right before Christmas. My kids don't deserve this.


Take a moment and listen to the advice given to you here. It all comes from experience. You really shouldn't move out especially if you are doing as much as you say you are. Having self respect especially at a moment like this will be crucial for you. You say your kids don't deserve this. Well...YOU don't deserve this.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> I have a place to go, she does not. I just cant live with someone who has no regard for my well being.


You're enabling her behavior by doing this


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

Im not worried about losing the house. Because guess what, I just got a letter today saying the bank cant continue to work with us, my only option to avoid foreclosure is to let them sell the house for what ever they can get. Her main worry is the weather for tomorrows marathon. Unbelievable.

So she can stay there. I'm beginning new starting tonight. I have never been so hurt, insulted and confused in my whole life.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't blame you for wanting to get out, even if it seems like you're giving her what she wants while you get screwed. Start thinking about adjusting the finances so she starts feeling the reality of the situation. 

C


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

PBear said:


> I don't blame you for wanting to get out, even if it seems like you're giving her what she wants while you get screwed. Start thinking about adjusting the finances so she starts feeling the reality of the situation.
> 
> C


 I just changed my individual account number. Set up my direct deposit to go in there instead of joint account. I canceled Cable but left her and the kids with Internet. I took data off her phone and I've told her to call and set it up so that line goes under her name.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What was her response to that?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> I just changed my individual account number. Set up my direct deposit to go in there instead of joint account. I canceled Cable but left her and the kids with Internet. I took data off her phone and I've told her to call and set it up so that line goes under her name.


Cant imagine this is going to go over well, but she made her choice.
My condolences to you and your daughters.

Honestly though, she seems so self involved you would need to be gone for a week before she even noticed.

Prepare yourself for a ****storm because that is whats coming.
Right now she probably thinks her world will continue unchanged.
Once she realizes her perfect little world is over, reality will set her on one of two courses.
She will either recant and try to fix things or she will lash out at you as the cause of EVERY single one of her problems and for creating Godzilla.
Seriously it will be that bizzarre.

If there was ever a time for you to start practicing detachment...now is the time.

Keep us posted and please come here to vent rather than engaging her.


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Cant imagine this is going to go over well, but she made her choice.
> My condolences to you and your daughters.
> 
> Honestly though, she seems so self involved you would need to be gone for a week before she even noticed.
> ...


That began already. She is bringing up things I did 15 years ago when I was 25. So much resentment she has for me.


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> What was her response to that?


She does not know about the direct deposit. I told her I was taking out my pay this week for xmas shopping for my children and would leave her some grocery money.

I am mostly worried what she is going to fill my children heads up with because I have a feeling she is already trying.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like affair-speak.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Stay strong against her, you do not deserve to be treated or talked to in that manner.

She needs to be more worried about finding a place to live instead of a run, she just does not give a sh*t.


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## CHBAR (Dec 8, 2014)

I will talk to my children. For the most part they are old enough to see whats happening.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> I will talk to my children. For the most part they are old enough to see whats happening.


Prepare for the worst. Bombs will be dropped I'm sure. Like SamuraiJack said. Now's the time to read up on how to detach yourself from the situation. Look up the 180. Yes, be cool and don't give her any more of yourself right now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Get yourself a good lawyer. She's not concerned her because she doesn't believe you're going anywhere. 

I just have to ask because I'm so into it myself: what caliber of runner is she? As in what kind of marathon times can she put out? Just curious about what she's willing to wreck the family over, it's a joke among my friends that people who aren't even particularly good runners will trash their families over it.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Don't leave, move into the basement.

Buy the groceries and cook for your kids, but not for her. 

Keep a VAR on you at all times.

Don't leave that house.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Don't have to separate finances as such, but since you're the one paying the bills, you could have a bills account. All the money to cover the bills for the entire year, plus emergency contingency money taken out of your pay and put into a 'bills' account every pay day. What's left pays for food/clothes/entertainment etc.

Pretty easy to calculate if you know what you pay and when, then find the weekly/fortnightly average.

When she starts stressing over not having enough money for her activities because there's nothing in the account, well, maybe you'll start getting your point across.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

CHBAR I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. Does she know about the letter you received? Did you share the news with her? What has she said about that? How can she excuse her self from that?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> I have a place to go, she does not. I just cant live with someone who has no regard for my well being.


If you move out you are going to regret it.
I would recommend that you stop giving access to your paycheck. You take over all the finances and do not give her money for anything. If she doesn't want to be married to you, she can be the one who leaves.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't think the OP's wife would choose *not* to be married. She got up and sang him a love song just recently. I take this to mean she doesn't want this to end, however, she is currently feeling like he is stressing over nothing. While he's working long hours and suffering extreme stress, she's running and living off endorphins thinking life is great, but here's this downer of a husband who takes everything way too seriously. She's a bit of a selfish twit I think, unfortunately for the OP.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tulsy said:


> Don't leave, *move her into the basement.*
> 
> Buy the groceries and cook for your kids, but not for her.
> 
> ...


Fixed that for you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

breeze said:


> I don't think the OP's wife would choose *not* to be married. *She got up and sang him a love song just recently.* I take this to mean she doesn't want this to end, however, she is currently feeling like he is stressing over nothing. While he's working long hours and suffering extreme stress, she's running and living off endorphins thinking life is great, but here's this downer of a husband who takes everything way too seriously. She's a bit of a selfish twit I think, unfortunately for the OP.


Hmm... can't help but wonder about whether or not a specific someone may have been sitting particularly close to OP that night. Someone like... oh let's just say... her "_running buddy_"...?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It does suck for you. But instead of sitting down with your wife and daughter and TELLING them what they are to do, you should have presented the situation, and aks the question " What shoudl WE do about it? I work already at my full capacity, but we still need more money? Any ideas?"

That would make them your partner, not subordinates. Not mentioning it would be real reality check on both of them. And it would take the huge burden out of your shoulders - dealing with situation like this all by yourself is very hard.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... can't help but wonder about whether or not a specific someone may have been sitting particularly close to OP that night. Someone like... oh let's just say... her "_running buddy_"...?


I didn't notice any mention of running buddy's even being there that night, though I could be wrong. Feels a bit unnecessarily cruel to take this away from the OP on a hunch that his wife is cheating.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Plus, I agree with WandaJ. I think the best way to deal with financial situations in families is to get them involved in the decision making processes. You present the problem and gather their input for the solution. When all you do is tell them what to do, they have no ownership over the solution, they're just subordinates. People don't respond as well to that approach.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Don't do anything, especially moving out, until you speak with a very shark-like divorce attorney. Specifically mention your wife's student loans. They are usually the responsibility of the "student" in the case of a divorce. This is because too often the spouse leaving would get an education at the expense of the other then walk away free of these debts. Find out your rights and responsibilities.

See about filing for reorganization bankruptcy, with home loan (mortgage) modification, especially involving a divorce. You'd be amazed at what can be done.

As for your DD's baby, the baby daddy has responsibilities, too. Is he contributing anything? He should be. Also, your DD is eligible for free or seriously reduced daycare so she and your wife are blowing smoke up your a$$ about your wife "needing" to stay home.

IamSomebody


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## Sagittari (Dec 14, 2014)

CHBAR I'm a long-time lurker but I gotta speak from the heart on this. LEAVE, GTFO, and keep your **** together. All these people (ladies) saying you should stay, you should be respectful and "talk" to your wife have got it wrong. She is not the empathic caring person like other posters. You've talked and rationalized, and said all you can possibly say, and your wife will never get it as long as you stick around. 

Keep your headspace clean and your shoulders free. Focus on your kids and your finances. Let the wife worry about herself because she's obviously very good at being self-centered. You can't continue to function in that environment, even if it means a temporary split from the kids. They will understand when they are old enough. 

Your life is worth more than a stress-induced heart attack in your mid-forties.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

CHBAR said:


> Yes I check phone bills. Since I caught some text and phone records years ago, she has wised up.


Can you explain more about this?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Sagittari said:


> CHBAR I'm a long-time lurker but I gotta speak from the heart on this. LEAVE, GTFO, and keep your **** together. All these people (ladies) saying you should stay, you should be respectful and "talk" to your wife have got it wrong. She is not the empathic caring person like other posters. You've talked and rationalized, and said all you can possibly say, and your wife will never get it as long as you stick around.
> 
> Keep your headspace clean and your shoulders free. Focus on your kids and your finances. Let the wife worry about herself because she's obviously very good at being self-centered. You can't continue to function in that environment, even if it means a temporary split from the kids. They will understand when they are old enough.
> 
> Your life is worth more than a stress-induced heart attack in your mid-forties.


Sir, advising OP to stay in the home is because it is a disadvantage in a divorce to desert the marital home. Not because anybody is sympathic to the wife's cause.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Please listen to the advice by Iamsomebody!!! And don't move out. The courts may look upon that as proof that you abandoned your family. Gut it out, brother. You can do this. :smthumbup:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

thummper said:


> Please listen to the advice by Iamsomebody!!! And don't move out. The courts may look upon that as proof that you abandoned your family. Gut it out, brother. You can do this. :smthumbup:


Exactly.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Please, read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...prepare-potential-divorce-custody-battle.html .


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is your 17-year-old daughter on your side?

If she was old enough to have sex, get pregnant and keep the baby, she is old enough to know the facts of life. Does the father of the baby contribute? What sort of relations do you have with his family? Hope he is not some older married guy.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

OP hasn't been on since his last post. Hopefully he's okay. Chest pains are not a good sign.


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