# OK MEN, why would you ignore your wife, physically, and intamatly?



## Sarah79

Just as background, I am 5ft 8 and 140, I feel I am attractive. I also am ignored. We haden't made love in 3 months, I was afraid to be rejected. Usually I only get the affection of sex if I turn him on and instigate it. If not he won't even kiss me goodnight. 

What would make a man do this?


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## Robrobb

Hi Sarah. Speaking as a man, I haven't a clue. I'll tell you that my wife behaved this way for the past year or so of our marriage. Now we are living in separate bedrooms, in counseling, she's involved with a circle of online friends, one current or former online affair, list goes on.

Back to the point, I suspect that you're both missing the mark when it comes to loving one another. If you read through some other posts on this board you'll see various terms - love busters is a common one - to describe the little things we do in the everyday that cause our spouses to feel unloved, even when we're trying to show our love to them. We say something wrong, turn our backs on our spouse to finish housework,or fail to stand up for ourselves at a critical moment, or one of a dozen other items. These whittle away at the love he or she feels for you until it reaches a point that they can't feel it at all any more. I'm sad to say that, when that happens, the spouse often wanders off or simply shuts down to you.

Do some reading, take a critical look at your marriage and how you interact with your spouse. Come here for advice - most of it's good and it's all free - and KEEP TRYING.


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## Deejo

Is his behavior par for the course, or a recent development? How old is he?

How do you relate to one another outside of the bedroom?


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## cb45

hi sarah,
u feel attractive eh? thats good for a start, as u put out vibes, good/bad either way that translate into yer rel'shp w/ H.

But........maybe he doesnt see 5'8"/140lbs as attractive? maybe he liked u better at 125-130? maybe he does or doesnt like u being so assertive/dominant (i dunno, u didnt give us much, ala deejos Q's)?

who knows? u need to get him to open up, if u dont already know whats going on inside, or physically w/ him.

let us know, as u may have something diff that we havent read here b4.

good luck.


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## 2Daughters

Sarah..how long have you been married?, some guys fall into the 'comfort zone' trap, just going through the motions of everyday life, have you any kids?, do you two do 'time alone dating?', maybe he looks at too much porn?(seriously)..how old is he?


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## stoomey74

A thought, if you have denied him intimacy in the past, or id you are not connecting on a level, he might think it is not worth the effort. I am summarizing here but I know I get that way. It is just not worth putting the effort forth if sex is boring.

I am not saying that it is for you guys, but I am just throwing out a possible thought.


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## AmorousWarrior

I agree with stoomey. My wife and I are horribly mismatched on our sex drive. The constant denial has made me refrain from even asking. Assuming that is the case. 
If not, then could it be something physical or mental? Is there a major change going on in your lives? Apart from that, I honestly can't think of any reason that I would ignore my wife sexually.


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## txhunter54

AmorousWarrior said:


> I agree with stoomey. My wife and I are horribly mismatched on our sex drive. The constant denial has made me refrain from even asking. Assuming that is the case.
> If not, then could it be something physical or mental? Is there a major change going on in your lives? Apart from that, I honestly can't think of any reason that I would ignore my wife sexually.


Ditto what AW said. Constantly getting turned down makes you not want to even try anymore.


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## Chet8625

Ditto what AW and txhunter said.

With me, it got to a point that holding hands or any closeness got me horny immediately since we hadn't had sex for a long time. It just wasn't worth it.

However, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. He tries, she says no. He stops being affectionate, she feels unloved and not interested in sex. Repeat cycle.

Of course there could be other reasons. he could have ED and be embarrassed about it. He could be getting it elsewhere and is sexually fulfilled by that and doesn't need it with you. It could be medication.

You need to have a heart-to-heart with him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Boy, I could have written that post myself. I'm having the same issues, my husband won't talk about it and I am lonely and feel undesired and rejected.

I, like you, am afraid to even try anymore - it just makes me feel worse each and every time I'm rejected.

I'm of the opinion you can't help someone who will not help themselves. Regardless of the issues (health, age, medications, etc.), if you care enough about your spouse, then you will at least TRY..."can't" and "can, but won't" are two different things in my book...if you don't at least TRY to meet the other spouse halfway, then I guess that shows where you stand in the relationship.

Good luck - I know how you feel, I'm going through the same thing and I don't even know why, sucks when you don't have control of your own sex life within your own marriage!

Perhaps if the shoe was on the other foot for a while...


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## Chet8625

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Perhaps if the shoe was on the other foot for a while...


This probably won't work. In my case, I decided to back off and not pursue my wife. When we finally went to a marriage counselor, she admitted that she was happy that I had backed off and that I had finally "got the message".


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## okeydokie

Chet8625 said:


> This probably won't work. In my case, I decided to back off and not pursue my wife. When we finally went to a marriage counselor, she admitted that she was happy that I had backed off and that I had finally "got the message".



while i feel like my wife would respond the same way if asked by a counselor, she wont tell me. if i knew she felt that way....well....see the f buddy thread

what do you think your wife would say if your response was to get it somewhere else?


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## Chris Taylor

okeydokie said:


> while i feel like my wife would respond the same way if asked by a counselor, she wont tell me. if i knew she felt that way....well....see the f buddy thread
> 
> what do you think your wife would say if your response was to get it somewhere else?


I was in the same situation as Chet.

My wife said that sex wasn't important to her and didn't think sex was an important part of our marriage. 

I told her that since it wasn't important, she probably wouldn't mind if I got sexually fulfilled elsewhere. 

To be honest, she couldn't see my point. I ended up having an affair (NOT the way to handle things) and the point seemed clearer after that.


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## SimplyAmorous

Chris Taylor said:


> I was in the same situation as Chet.
> 
> My wife said that sex wasn't important to her and didn't think sex was an important part of our marriage.
> 
> I told her that since it wasn't important, she probably wouldn't mind if I got sexually fulfilled elsewhere.
> 
> To be honest, she couldn't see my point. I ended up having an affair (NOT the way to handle things) and the point seemed clearer after that.


 At least she had a Warning - and an opportunity to change things. I don't think any spouse who ignores these converstaions should be at all shocked when this happens.


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## okeydokie

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't think any spouse who ignores these converstaions should be at all shocked when this happens.



me neither, witholding sex is emotional abuse, i have seen that clearly agreed upon in here (as long as all other things are normal of course ie.. no abuse, addictions, etc..)


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## summer10

I know how you feel. I initiated sex for years and it was not satisfying for me most of the time. After trying to discuss what I liked, etc. he shut down further - ED is an issue but he won't do meds anymore (even with drugs it was a short "interlude"). I pretty much gave up since he had no interest in getting help or trying to make it better for me (there are other options!). Now he's moved on to porn (in secret he thinks) which tells me he's not interested in me and my needs, or he's too lazy to figure out how to do his best with me (which I'd appreciate the effort!), or he's become so desensatized that nothing else turns him on. Either way, I truly tried and suggested counseling (I've gone alone). My advise is to not let your husbands response to you deflate your self image, it's a struggle for me at times but counceling has helped.


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## okeydokie

summer10 said:


> I know how you feel. I initiated sex for years and it was not satisfying for me most of the time. After trying to discuss what I liked, etc. he shut down further - ED is an issue but he won't do meds anymore (even with drugs it was a short "interlude"). I pretty much gave up since he had no interest in getting help or trying to make it better for me (there are other options!). Now he's moved on to porn (in secret he thinks) which tells me he's not interested in me and my needs, or he's too lazy to figure out how to do his best with me (which I'd appreciate the effort!), or he's become so desensatized that nothing else turns him on. Either way, I truly tried and suggested counseling (I've gone alone). My advise is to not let your husbands response to you deflate your self image, it's a struggle for me at times but counceling has helped.


ive said it many times, it is possible that one spouse just does harmful and hurtful things that are not truly the result of the other spouses actions.


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## summer10

okeydokie said:


> ive said it many times, it is possible that one spouse just does harmful and hurtful things that are not truly the result of the other spouses actions.


I agree but what is the answer? continue feeling hurt and rejected or leave? Seems like there should be an option between if both parties are working at the relationship.


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## AFEH

okeydokie said:


> ive said it many times, it is possible that one spouse just does harmful and hurtful things that are not truly the result of the other spouses actions.


When we realise the truth in that, that is the time we "wake up" and after awakening seriously big changes happen.

Bob


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