# Being worthy of orgasm...



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It has come to my attention that this is the inception of my sexual issues - feeling worthy of orgasm. I don't. 

I believe I have several misconceptions at play. 1) Every woman in the world has easier orgasms than I do. 2) It is too much bother for anyone - specifically H of course. 3) My body is broken, I cannot trust it, specifically issues dealing with sexual/reproductive organs. But also not limited to weight, etc. This last issue dates back to puberty - so 30 years.

I persued my first orgasm with my husband relentlessly - believing it would heal me of my misconceptions. Believing that if I could reach the summit I would become like other women, who have been orgasming for decades with no issues.

This was really the basis of my faking for so many years. I did not feel worthy of the trouble. 

Instead of faking I now find myself avoiding sex and pulling the plug early in the game. My husband has never been very open talking about sex, this complements my fantasy world in which I can put all kinds of words in his mouth - generally about me being too much trouble and why didn't he end up with someone else who gets off and leaves him alone. 

I did raise the issue over the weekend by asking how much time did he think was too long to try and voicing that I felt myself getting more anxious about sex lately and felt it was short circuiting my response. I did not get a lot of conversation back, however, mostly a perplexed look. Of course I did not press him because - lets all repeat in unison - I felt like it was not worth he trouble.

I question if I will ever be healed of this affliction. I find myself wishing I could just be in a new relationship, just having a new start. Of course these are just fantasies and in reality I know this issue would follow me wherever I went. 

I have continued therapy since May for this issue and I have reached an understanding of how I came to be this way. However I seem to have becomes tangled in the baggage of it. Its reached the point where every therapy session is the same. Yes, I realize I have an unreasonable understanding. Yes, I recognize the steps it took to reach this point. Yes, I realize I need to reach a paradigm shift. Yes, I can pretend I am my friend and what I would say to myself. And yet I remain pressed against this wall of fear and frustration and helplessness. I find myself unable to move forward.

I think maybe if my husband would be more forceful and more reassuring... but then perhaps I only wish this because I want to be relieved of the responsibility. I'm not struggling with him as much as I'm struggling with my own self. 

I fear I will never be healed, friends.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

And, incidently, I know there is not much to say in response. Of course I am worthy - we all are worthy. I only needed to confess I suppose.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Thoughts become words , words become reality. 

'I can't' never leads to 'I can'.

Good luck and never give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> And, incidently, I know there is not much to say in response. Of course I am worthy - we all are worthy. I only needed to confess I suppose.


You are indeed worthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

do you realize you are robbing him of the chance, by making that decision by yourself? 

I can only speak for myself, as a man and husband. I LOVE my wifes body. I love learning exactly what turns her on, gets her really going, and even pushes her over the top. I think most men are this way. there is no "too much bother" when it comes to helping your partner orgasm, it's all joyful, sexy exploration, and I hope you can find a way to embrace that!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

What happened I though you were finaly have orgasms?

back in aug you said you found sucess. what changed?

are you just selfconsious about it taking too long?

has your husband said something about it?


I think your just over thinking things. If it takes awhile sowhat.
.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

In the beginning of my marriage, my wife took a long time to orgasm when I was giving her oral. She finally learned to relax and tune out everything else in her mind. I had to have her put a sleeping mask over her eyes to help her do this. We were so close to her elusive orgasms on many occasions...and the one thing that was her key to successs....was to keep breathing and let her body go. Once she did this, she wasn't uptight and holding back any longer. She was letting go, and her orgasms came. I think it is a leaned response, and I took as much time as necessary to help her get over the hill to a wonderful orgasm. I am sure your husband wants the same for you. 

Can you tune out all other distractions while receiving oral sex?

Does your husband know exactly what to do to your clitoris to get you there? Have you told him?

Do you give him a signal that you are close...so he won't vary anything that he is doing with his tongue or mouth at that crucial time?

Have you tried to breath in and out deeply when you are very close to orgasm?

Maybe start saying "yes" quietly to yourself as you get closer and closer instead of thinking, I can't get there. Part of this is mental for sure!

Just some ideas that worked for us. PS: Don't ever think that you are taking to long or that your husband doesn't enjoy doing this for you. Nothing is farther from the truth. You are worth all the time and effort. You deserve the pleasure of orgasms!


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I totally understand. I've been married 22 years, it took me over 10 years to allow my husband to arouse me, it seems to take forever in my mind. I learned in childhood to never ask for anything, to be quiet, obedient, self-sufficient. This doesn't work so well with sex, especially since I have responsive desire. I'd say only in the past 5 years have I really believed that H enjoys the process of arousing me, it's not a chore for him. My therapist said being aware of the problem was the easy part, retraining your thought process takes a lot of time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Miss...even if your H is able to communicate better, you aren't going to pop off any faster. That is something you must work out inside of yourself, in your head. Nothing he does will change the amount of time it takes. You basically have female ED, which is usually psychological, and yours is. You can over come this but you do need to realize that he can't help you, its all on you.

It does sound like there are still other communication issues, though. You trying to discuss it with him should have been something he was open to, and somehow you should make him understand that you need more talking...more openness. That particular topic (how long it takes to O) isn't the best one to discuss with him, though. He isn't going to respond well to that one because he is not at fault for the crazy thoughts that go through your head, so he doesn't know what to say when you mention it.

BUT he does need to understand that what he can do is be supportive, without taking responsibility.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Miss Scarlet, I feel I am somewhat in the same boat. Only twisted.

I always felt I'm worthy of orgasms.

But Husband has brow beat me since day one, making me feel like I'm not worthy, or that I'm too much trouble and not worth it.

I think a lot of women battle with this feeling.



I pray it will get better for both of us.

Your right. I too wish my husband would be more forceful and reassuring, that I am worth it, that he wants to take the time, that he enjoys it. But atlas. Only fantasy.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yeah, it sounds like you have a big dose of performance anxiety. I'll tell you from a man's point of view, performance anxiety can turn a good session into a train-wreck, and we're supposed to have it easy compared to women. I think I remember your earlier success involved some wine? Probably took the edge off your worrying. I wouldnt suggest getting tipsy every time, but maybe something like meditation could help?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

ED for women and performance anxiety - this is a very accurate way to describe what is happening to me right now.

I did have success in August, it happened a few times. I believe that during that time I was in a state of high arousal. Both with the novelty of him doing things to me for the first time and also through my own efforts in wanting to make things easier for him. I was reading a lot of erotica - even watching porn - and thinking about it constantly. If no response is a 0 and orgasm is 10 I was in the 7-8 range during that whole time.

Obviously this is not a state I can maintain forever and, since then, the novelty has worn off and these other fears have started to grow.

I don't want it to be hard for him. (That's what she said.) I want him to feel successful in his efforts. He went from realizing he'd never gotten me off (in 18 years) to the point where it happened. It changed his whole demeanor. However now we are at an established baseline and I am having these doubts it can happen. He is also getting a little lazy with things. Over confident, perhaps, because it happened a few times. I don't want to face him trying and 'failing'. It's easier to avoid the situation or to blame my mood or something else a few minutes into it - oh, don't worry about me, it's just not going to happen, maybe next time.

I really thought once I passed the point of having one orgasm with him that all would fall into place - hasn't happened. I am still suffering with my issues now that things have returned to a more normal state. My fear is that I cannot find success again unless I replicate the circumstances from August. Which I cannot. 

Thank you for the support and feedback.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> But Husband has brow beat me since day one, making me feel like I'm not worthy, or that I'm too much trouble and not worth it.


I'm very sorry to hear this, Curious. It's hard enough to have you brain tell you these things -but an actual person that you love - that is rough.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You said you brought up bringing toys into the bedroom and got a lukewarm response, but a positive one. This is something you should explore again...plus, it will likely work AND it is fun.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

This is true, we did try bringing the vibrator into things. It would likely work again. It was a lot more awkward than I had imagined, trying to get it in the right place (I was attempting to O with PIV instead of O with foreplay.) He could feel the vibrations and, well... you know. We went off in the wrong order. A lot of the new ideas have had a great effect on him, but it has also reduced the window of opportunity for me. So to speak.

Since I last posted I have realized that part of my fear is that he can't get me from 0-10. I don't trust him to be able to do it. This would explain why I get the panic when he puts the moves on me and I haven't had time to get in the mood ahead of time. The times it has happened I've done the majority of the ground work for him. I haven't ever given him the opportunity to try the 0-10. I both distrust him and I distrust my body. That would explain my developing panic and aversion of sex and fear that it will take way too long. 

Distrust is a rather mean word - I wish I could think of something less harsh. I take most of the responsibility for ending up in this situation. However - there still are 18 years of him not paying that much attention to me sexually. I never got the feeling he wanted to know me that well sexually. Didn't ask many questions, didn't ask for any feedback, didn't appear to notice that 8 years went by with nothing close to a fake orgasm. So yes. It remains with me. I fear giving him the opportunity to take me 0-10 because I likely feel he can't get it done. This makes me very sad to realize I feel this way about him. 

Dear Lord, please don't let H ever find this board and read what I have been writing about him. Amen.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I have no advice here for you as I am in the same boat. But your writing has me captivated because you have been able to put into words my exact thought processes. Which I thought I was alone in. Especially the bit about being unworthy or asking too much of him...being broken...not wanting to face the harsh reality that maybe he can never take me from 0-10, because what would that say about our marriage??

Have you brought that concept up with your therapist? I would be curious to know what a "professional" would say about that type of fear. 

My question is...should it be your (our) husbands responsibility to take us from 0-10? Shouldnt some of the responsibility of coming to the bed "pre-heated", if you will, fall to us? This is what I struggle with...what is "fair" to assign as a symptom of our marraige vs. What should really be deemed only my problem. I can tell you with certainty that my H never begins in the bedroom at a 0 on your scale. Before I ever touch him he was already somewhere between 2-4 because 1)his body and mind are already trained to work efficiently and effectively to translate the smallest sexual thought into desire and 2) I am pretty sure he never is truly a 0 unless something is actually wrong like hes sick. Being male has to have something to do with it and we cannot discount that we simply do not have the benefit of the sheer amount of testosterone floating in our body at all times. 

I have done what you did and come to him when I was already at an 8 on your scale, usually as you said because I put a huge effort into porn, erotica, fantasies before I initiated. Of course it was sooo much easier to get there then. But you are right....thats not a permanent solution or realistic for every day life. You need a better operating procedure for every day. 

One thing I spend a lot of time thinking about is how I can take my own misconceptions and various hang ups and transform them into concrete needs and wants that are 1) communicated and 2) attainable.

I know it is not my H's responsibility to fix my faulty thinking processes and that he cannot be expected to know how to correctly respond when I trip up and reach out to him desperately for reassurance. Your question to him - how long do you think is ok to keep trying - falls into that category. You were fishing for a canned response and he was left to pull at straws because he seemed to correctly sense that there was a much deeper reason you asked that question and he could easily fall into a trap if he gave you a literal response. (He probably knows you better than you think.)

However, I try to come up with concrete things that I can ask my husband to do that will help me get to a 3-4, lets say, before we get to the bedroom. 

For example - I guess I am the typical female in that I need to feel emotionally connected to my H in order to truly desire him sexually. My H is not a big talker and he would happily sit next to me on the couch all evening without saying a word and then hop into bed to start some action. And I am not saying that doesn't happen sometimes. However there are times when I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders and dont really feel like I can decompress until I have talked it out with someone. I can easily talk to a friend or coworker, sure, but when I am able to talk with my husband and as an end result, feel like he truly understands and empathizes with me, I can guarantee I will walk into that bedroom at least at a 5 before any touching even begins. 

So my next logical step is to attempt to communicate to my husband very logically what I need - "I need to have 30 mins with you each evening with no distractions (tv/phone/kids) to know that I can have your undivided attention to talk". This is something that seems achievable and gives him a task to do instead of being overwhelmed trying to blindly figure out what I might want. 

Unfortunately, part of my problem means I dont really know my body well enough to give such explicit instructions in the bedroom so he can know exactly what to do to get me off. I am not there yet. But I know I won't even get close unless I create the right atmosphere within our marraige as a whole first. Baby steps I suppose. 

Whats important to me is trying to cognitively recognize my own "poisonous" thoughts and try not to let them run away with me. I am guilty of the same thing you mentioned - assuming the thoughts that my H must have because he is silent on so many things. Putting words in his (silent) mouth that prove my poisonous thoughts. 

Have you ever heard that phrase "Never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance". It wasnt until after I started taking SSRIs for my anxiety and depression that I was able to gain a bit of clarity in that regard. In my case, most times my H's silence means absolutely nothing. More than half of the time he doesn't even know theres a problem (and why would he, he cant read my mind). The other half is not knowing what to do to fix it because I did not provide him with any guidance of what I want and need. He is not a risk taker and will always choose inaction (silence) over potentially doing or saying the wrong thing and making it worse. 

I am traveling somewhat of a parallel path as you and I definitely dont have all the answers, but I appreciate having found someone else on a similar journey.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Thank you for saying all that, kag. You are right, it is a comfort to not be alone. I just spent the weekend in the company of quite a few women and I was nearly brought to tears hearing them talk about sex and how it seems so simple for every other female in the world and I am sitting there thinking I'm 43 and I might as well be 15 again, hearing the experienced girls talk about sex while I have no clue.

It brings me to bitter tears because I have always loved sex. Always. How I started out at age 22 thinking "this will work it's way out in time" and somehow turned into a 43 year old thinking the same thing is beyond me. But at 43 you have to realize you can't tell yourself that anymore. It's not going to work it's way out on it's own.

I have not spoken to my therapist about this yet. The last time I saw her I was starting to have anxiety with sex but it hadn't yet formed into what it is now. I was out of town last week and she is out of town this week.

You are right, I was fishing for a canned response with him last week. I wanted him to say that no time was too much time. That if it took 2 hours or even 3 hours that was fine. 

This really, really sucks. However, I am glad that writing this out here and getting feedback has helped me. I have been getting more and more upset thinking about sex the past few days and it was likely this coming to the surface. 

It shouldn't be this damned hard. (That's what she said.)


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> It shouldn't be this damned hard. (That's what she said.)


Love the 'That's what she said' additions. 

Here's a thought, waaay out of the box. Have you considered a sex therapist, instead of just a regular therapist?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I have considered seeing a sex therapist and I probably should at this point. I have likely gone as far with my current therapist as I can. I has been very helpful, seeing her, in several areas. However she admits to being a lady that has O from PIV alone and also that she knew nothing about how sex worked before she got married the first time and the orgasms just started happening. 

My poor husband. He goes along for 18 years thinking everything is fine and I'm some rare woman who gets off from basically nothing in no time at all with no effort from him. Then he finds out that's not the case. He makes steps to amend. Then, once again, he thinks all is well and, once again, it is not. 

He is typically gone during the work week so the time between sexual encounters is sporadic. There is a lot of time to think things over in between and there is also a lot of opportunity to miss a weekend and then it becomes a 13 day break. It takes time to re-establish the intimacy. 

Things really were going well. As I keep saying, I thought if I could get there once it would only get easier from then on.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Being worthy of orgasm...*



MissScarlett said:


> I have likely gone as far with my current therapist as I can. I has been very helpful, seeing her, in several areas. However she admits to being a lady that has O from PIV alone and also that she knew nothing about how sex worked before she got married the first time and the orgasms just started happening.


OMG, are you serious? What cruel irony. I mean, good for her for not having to know the struggle, but I probably would have stopped seeing her after the first appointment based on that fact alone! I get so tired of meeting women who have it so easy!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

And the worse - women who orgasm so easily and hate sex.

What is up with that one?! So unfair.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Scarlett....hmmm.....I'm going to just say it: you are placing too much on this issue and causing even MORE anxiety because of it.

When you say you heard your gf's going on about so much great sex, how do you know they are talking about orgasms?

I LOVE SEX, and it isn't about the orgasms. I can have one of those myself! The SEX I love is about connection, passion, lust, communication, intimacy, and sometimes POUNDING. No O's happen for me from ANY of those things I just mentioned. I don't "have" to have an O for sex to be good and the BEST sexual moments I've ever had were not during an O.

I know people who for medical reasons cannot have an O at all and yet they have fulfiling sex lives.

Stop making the problem worse by thinking it means you are defective. Stop it!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yes ma'am!! 

I really do appreciate all the feedback. Being on this site has taught me a lot and it has made me see things in new ways. I read everything and then think things over for several days afterwards.

On the topic of what you just said, faithful, I do agree with you. Over the past few months I would say the memorable times with h were times that did not end in orgasm but rather the times when he was trying new things and I was able to react in new ways.

However, it does seem from what I have read here from the men that it matters a lot if we have orgasms or not. To them anyway. 

I do not know how to balance these two things. 

And you are correct, the marriage bed has become one of angst because I suddenly feel I cannot go there unless I am already very worked up. I cannot go there unplanned or in the moment. Right now anyway. 

I hope to adopt your attitude, though!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I sent you a PM also.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

Wow. I find so much to agree with in the previous comments, and want to add a few more. You should definitely expect to orgasm and to enjoy sex. Your H should expect to enjoy it too, and not feel like he's being pressured to perform some superhuman act to bring you to orgasm. 

I think some therapy is in order. Poor sexual happiness can be a marker of a marriage in trouble. I for one think it's not possible to overstate the importance of good sex in a marriage. That's not to say frequent or wild or athletic or anything, just GOOD - in which you both know you connected with the other and felt good about it.

My sex life with my ex wife was uncomfortable - we didn't talk much about how we failed to turn each other on. Eventually that marriage died. When I started dating the woman I'm with now, she told me she'd never had an O with another man. We discussed it and worked at it. Sometimes I did spend a lot of time trying without success. So what? We were having sex. It was fun. We kept a good attitude. It still took a couple of months, but we got there. Even now it doesn't happen as regularly as either of us would like. But we're not giving up and we're enjoying our sex lives immensely.

Last bit of advice - don't neglect the non-sex part of sex. Some teasing, some dirty talk, a note or a text telling him you're looking forward to naked time , and the anticipation, these can move you from 1 to 8 more effectively than anything else. Use your weeks with him away to drive each other to the brink, then be animals when he walks through the door on the weekend.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dear lord don't let miss Scarlett's husband find tam or this thread. Amen.

He says prayers are more powerful when 2 or more pray.

I prayed for you.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

I don't know ladies, isn't it the H's responsibility to woe you, get you all warmed up and then deliver? After all, sex starts with the brain with females. It's not that difficult to find the information needed to do so today. 

I hate to say this, but is it possible they're just being lazy lovers?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Robrobb said:


> Wow. I find so much to agree with in the previous comments, and want to add a few more. You should definitely expect to orgasm and to enjoy sex. Your H should expect to enjoy it too, and not feel like he's being pressured to perform some superhuman act to bring you to orgasm.
> 
> I think some therapy is in order. Poor sexual happiness can be a marker of a marriage in trouble. I for one think it's not possible to overstate the importance of good sex in a marriage. That's not to say frequent or wild or athletic or anything, just GOOD - in which you both know you connected with the other and felt good about it.
> 
> ...


This. Scarlett, think of it this way--from your husband's perspective, if he spends 2 hours helping you get there, that's 2 hours he gets to have sex. Take this coming from a guy who's wife has some of your challenges.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

A very large percentage of women have trouble getting to the O. I think it is a combination of your hormones and your individual anatomy (eg vag to clit distance). You are normal! You shouldn't think it's because you are neurotic or that you need lots of counseling to get over 'psychological' issues. It might purely be physiological.

I think a good solution is for you and your H is to learn to love the vibrator. Have your H get you off with a vibrator first , then have PIV. Don't try using vibrator at same time as PIV for a few months since that is trickier and it might never work for you. Instead have him move the vibrator on you or you hold it while he kisses and caresses you. The most powerful vibrator is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Noisy but powerful. Just turn up the music. You and your hubby will get used to the fact that you need a vibrator and it isn't a reflection on him. Plenty of women need to incorporate a vibrator during sex in order to O. It works so much faster and easier than trying to O via manual or oral sex, thus will be less stressful for you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MissScarlett,
What a beautifully honest post. 

Sorry that your H is low on the mutuality scale. Painful stuff. 

Does he generally have a 'patience' problem? 

What would he say if you told him: It would probably take about an hour (or whatever the length of time is) to get me from 'neutral' to the rapture. I don't know if that would be 'fun' for you. 

You can even make it easy (for him to agree) and say: 
'I doubt' that would be fun for you. 

If he agrees - then that's your answer. 

If he is anything like many men on this board (self included) he will say that is not too long. And he is glad you told him. 





MissScarlett said:


> This is true, we did try bringing the vibrator into things. It would likely work again. It was a lot more awkward than I had imagined, trying to get it in the right place (I was attempting to O with PIV instead of O with foreplay.) He could feel the vibrations and, well... you know. We went off in the wrong order. A lot of the new ideas have had a great effect on him, but it has also reduced the window of opportunity for me. So to speak.
> 
> Since I lasts posted I have realized that part of my fear is that he can't get me from 0-10. I don't trust him to be able to do it. This would explain why I get the panic when he puts the moves on me and I haven't had time to get in the mood ahead of time. The times it has happened I've done the majority of the ground work for him. I haven't ever given him the opportunity to try the 0-10. I both distrust him and I distrust my body. That would explain my developing panic and aversion of sex and fear that it will take way too long.
> 
> ...


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't know that he has a patience problem. And in reverse - when its him - I have no notice of the passage of time. Sometimes it doesn't take long and other times it does. When giving oral sometimes I want it to take a long time. I also know if it took him an hour to get him off then I would take an hour.

However, I seem incapable of believing he feels the same. I feel bad for him like I would feel bad for one of our children that was trying to accomplish something and was having a hard time. And of course as soon as these throughts start playing in my head there is not going to be an O because then I am pressuring myself to have one.

But - typing this out has helped me process as well as some inbox messages and I feel as though I can take another step forward and drop the pity that he finds himself in this position. It will take me as long as it takes me and if he wants to - that's how long it will take. Ive been making sure he gets off for 18 years and I cant say I regret how ever much time that took. Sorry you married a lady with some sexual baggage and a clitoris on the dark side of the moon (as far as clitorises go.) There are easier to get off ladies out there but hey, he's still here, right? At least today. 

I am also pondering how much importance I am placing on orgasm. As it is causing me ti avoid sex right now Id say perhaps a bit much.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I had to deeply recommit emotionally to my wife. It takes time, not always but sometimes she has to coaxed and encouraged that she can get there. 

She is very mind, body and emotionally connected during intimacy.

Putting together all the elements makes it possible for her. I like to think I figured it out, but clearly it was both of us


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I was reading once about the human race and how male orgasm is necessary for the survival of the species. The female orgasm is not necessary for the survival of the species. It serves no evolutionary purpose and isn't even necessary for bonding to another person. Maybe like male nipples.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If he wants to have a more regular sex life, he is going to have to show the commitment needed to make it a great experience for you.

I might be wrong, but I am going to hazard a guess. If he shows focus (on you), happiness that he is pleasing you and does not get at all impatient: that experience will feel really good overall

He can't take you all the way to the rapture. Only you can do that. But if he makes it obvious through actions, that your pleasure is at least as important as his own, that itself is a huge step forward. 

And I agree - he shouldn't be conscious of the clock. Because he should be having fun - touching you. It takes what it takes. 


QUOTE=MissScarlett;4348874]I don't know that he has a patience problem. And in reverse - when its him - I have no notice of the passage of time. Sometimes it doesn't take long and other times it does. When giving oral sometimes I want it to take a long time. I also know if it took him an hour to get him off then I would take an hour.

However, I seem incapable of believing he feels the same. I feel bad for him like I would feel bad for one of our children that was trying to accomplish something and was having a hard time. And of course as soon as these throughts start playing in my head there is not going to be an O because then I am pressuring myself to have one.

But - typing this out has helped me process as well as some inbox messages and I feel as though I can take another step forward and drop the pity that he finds himself in this position. It will take me as long as it takes me and if he wants to - that's how long it will take. Ive been making sure he gets off for 18 years and I cant say I regret how ever much time that took. Sorry you married a lady with some sexual baggage and a clitoris on the dark side of the moon (as far as clitorises go.) There are easier to get off ladies out there but hey, he's still here, right? At least today. 

I am also pondering how much importance I am placing on orgasm. As it is causing me ti avoid sex right now Id say perhaps a bit much.[/QUOTE]


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"The female orgasm is not necessary for the survival of the species. It serves no evolutionary purpose and isn't even necessary for bonding to another person. Maybe like male nipples."


Scarlett...there are other hypothesis that women don't O with "every" man for an evolutionary reason. They think that possibly since women tend to be more likely to O with a man she is bonded with, women's O's are very specficially designed to help women pick the right man for her....based on whether she is able to O with him or not.

Now since we know that the mind can cause all kinds of issues with O for men and women, and that we all do things that are against our biological integrity...I can guy the "women's O evolution" theory as I stated above, because I am sure we all over-ride our natural functions with our various neurosis.

I'm only pointing this out because - - well, if you really believe female O's are biologically "useless" - - that is not a healthy thing to believe for you, in your sitch.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Oh no, I was more pointing out that the O is a huge bonus in life with its primary function being pleasure and not reproduction. 

I assume our foremothers didn't have as much knowledge about orgasms and certainly there were times in human history when women were not entitled to their orgasms. It seems even in my lifetime things have changed with women becoming more open about sex and feeling more entitled to great sex and orgasms in this post Sex and the City world.

Yesterday I was feeling pessimistic and today better. I have many thoughts that seem to change day by day about my sex life and what I would like it to be and can I achieve this. 

I do think this board has been more helpful in helping me sort out my feelings than even my therapy. The therapy has caused me to face many instances in my past and have to confront why I am the way I am. This board, though, has given me many perspectives to consider - both from the male point of view and also from women in the whole range of sexuality.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Do you think I could use the word orgasm more times than I just did. No, Faithful, I'm not obsessed with orgasms. I swear! Lol!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Its ok, we can just call you the Wh*re-gasm Mistress.


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