# I guess I should try to be happy



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

W and I have sex fairly regularly 2+ times per week. It's just the same old, same old. After years of asking for some oral (to no avail), she suddenly started doing it almost every time we had sex. That lasted a year or so and then stopped as sudden as it started. She has said to me that she feels she's not as adventurous in the bedroom as I would like and that she wants to change that. Still, no oral, no different positions. If I want to come from behind, she feels "that she's not involved." So, I guess I should just suck it up (pun not really intended) and be happy I'm getting some. Right? I do whatever she asks (which is not out of the box at all). I feel sometimes I should tell her no, but that seems childish. Thoughts.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

How adventurous are you? Maybe she is bored or simply waiting for you to take charge.

It is a very special man that can get away with *asking *for oral, how do you do it? If it is in a pleading, whiny sort of way then the odds are not good. If it is in a sexy, strong, masculine way then you have hope.

How about taking the lead, showing her your intense passion and desire for her, bring out the best in both of you.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee gave me oral from the time we started dating. The first time I was going to orgasm, I told her, I'm going soon, want me to pull out of your mouth? She said, no, keep going. So from that point she always gives me oral and I orgasm in her mouth and she swallows. If I can't orgasm in her mouth, she gets upset and tries even harder until I orgasm in her mouth. I asked her, what would make this better for you? She said her fav drink nearby, so I always have chocolate almond milk nearby ever since.

If she wants to spice up your sex lives, there is nothing stopping her from going on the internet and just doing this with you.

She may be the passive one though and wants you to always initiate.

When doing doggie style, have her legs tight together, your legs on the outside, have her hook her feet over yours and lock you in, have her use a vib on her while you penetrate her and give her a back massage, all at the same time. Nothing wrong with this and she would love it. Also, move slightly side to side, penetrating her and making contact with her walls.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Holland said:


> How adventurous are you? Maybe she is bored or simply waiting for you to take charge.


I have taken charge - and she feels "not included."



Holland said:


> If it is in a pleading, whiny sort of way then the odds are not good.


Pleading, whining . . . I would deserve to be treated like **** if I did that.



Holland said:


> How about taking the lead, showing her your intense passion and desire for her, bring out the best in both of you.


She's basically scared to death of anything that's 'chancy'.

Thanks for your post.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

So, your GF gives you head to completion and my wife won't go down there. Not sure how your post is useful except your GF is better than my wife in bed. Not trying to be a jerk . . . but if some guy was getting it every three to four months, and I replied, I get it 5 times a week, not sure how that would help him.

Good for you buddy!


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sounds like she is not that interested in anything but vanilla then. Was it always like that? Some people are just not that sexual. 

Is this a deal breaker for you? If so have you told her that the bedroom activity needs to be better?

How about reading sex guides together in bed.
Mutual masturbation, have you done this or suggested it?
Watch porn together?

TBH vanilla sex twice a week would be too much for me, sadly I didn't even get that in my past marriage but hey that's life. I ended the marriage, life is too short and I found a much more exciting world out there.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Feeling like she not included when you enter from behind might actually mean that she feels objectified since, in her view, you are only interacting with a part of her and not face to face.

Another case of... The Wife Who Tunes Out Her Dirty Mind!

So somewhere along the way your wife was indoctrinated into the belief that good girls don't and wives do only for love. The message she needs to embrace is...

*The dirty mind of a loving wife is the greatest gift of all!​*
Talk talk talk, about love about sex about how wonderful sex is, about how much closer to her you feel during and after sex, about how sex is such a gift, about how much you enjoy loving her body during sex, about how much you love that she loves your body during sex... She needs to hear the new message over and over and over. Tell her to embrace her dirty mind and that as her husband you would cherish and protect and guard her putting her trust into you and letting herself go during sex.

Entering from behind... You talk to her through out, think of loving and sexy things to say before hand but talking to her and getting replies means she is involved.

Graphic part to follow...

Once in position, encourage her to wiggle her bottom, to rock herself backward and forward, to impale herself the way she likes it best. Reach down and brush her hair away from her face and gently stroke her cheek, smile at her. Frankly I don't know one woman who doesn't LOVE that position. I bet once you get her past that feeling of objectification and she relaxes, she will also love it!

Now you have a jumping off point and better sexual communication. Don't assume she understands that a man feels totally loved when his wife lets go and enjoys sex and shares her body. Remind her men aren't typically verbal when it comes to feelings and sex is the best way men feel loved by a woman.

Lastly, she doesn't go down on you much, or not at all. Ummm how often do you head down south? How much does she enjoy it? Can she relax and get into it? If not talk as you head down, "love the scent, love the taste, love making you come, love holding your hips up for my mouth...." Talk to her so she gains confidence.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Holland said:


> TBH vanilla sex twice a week would be too much for me, sadly I didn't even get that in my past marriage but hey that's life. I ended the marriage, life is too short and I found a much more exciting world out there.


So 2x/week vanilla sex wouldn't cut it for you? A divorce-maker? Even with kids? Just wondering?

Yeah, she's always been plain jane stuff. I think I've gotten fed up with all the other head games and BS, this has become a focus for me. And yes, there are other head games and BS going on.

For example? She opened up a bank account and 'forgot' to tell me about it. That could be a whole differenet thread, yes?\

Thanks for replying


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Feeling like she not included when you enter from behind might actually mean that she feels objectified since, in her view, you are only interacting with a part of her and not face to face..


You nailed this!




Anon Pink said:


> Another case of... The Wife Who Tunes Out Her Dirty Mind!
> 
> So somewhere along the way your wife was indoctrinated into the belief that good girls don't and wives do only for love. The message she needs to embrace is...


I might just print this out and leave it on her nightstand.




Anon Pink said:


> FOnce in position, encourage her to wiggle her bottom, to rock herself backward and forward, to impale herself the way she likes it best. Reach down and brush her hair away from her face and gently stroke her cheek, smile at her. Frankly I don't know one woman who doesn't LOVE that position. I bet once you get her past that feeling of objectification and she relaxes, she will also love it!


Hate to sound negative, but don't see this happening . . . the sex object thing mentioned above. She's a pretty perfect and good person, and a feminist - whatever that means.




Anon Pink said:


> Lastly, she doesn't go down on you much, or not at all. Ummm how often do you head down south? How much does she enjoy it? Can she relax and get into it? If not talk as you head down, "love the scent, love the taste, love making you come, love holding your hips up for my mouth...." Talk to her so she gains confidence.


She never went down on me for the first 15 years of marriage. Then started, not sure why. Then stopped after 1.5 years and during which she said she enjoyed it. Recently, she told me she did it to help me with a depression I went through. So, does she like it, was she lying (typical), was it duty sex. I just don't get it (mentally or physically) and I'm through with the head games (damn, another not totally intended pun).

AP - I love your thinking. Could you give her a call : )


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Yeah sounds like you have other problems, sometimes the lack of sex or sexual connection is more about other things. Sometimes it is simply about one partner being LD, that is something only you can work out.

Funny thing that yes if I was in a relationship where the sex was always vanilla I would be left very unsatisfied. My personal situation was different though as I was married to a sexually repressed man, far harder to deal with than a sexually repressed woman IMHO. It was his continual telling me he loved me but then doing nothing to show he desired me that led to the eventual break down of the marriage. We were the stereotypical "perfect couple" from the outside, gorgeous kids, great social life, money, travel etc but at home I was lonely as hell. I did not want to set that example for my kids and in the end I had the guts to say that my life and needs were important too.
He would have stayed married forever as he was getting all his needs met.

Anyway every case is different but if you are here asking for help then you most likely are at some point in life where you need to take steps to better your life. What those steps are, only you can decide.

Fix it or move on, life in the middle ground is wasting time.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Being a feminist has little to do with anything. I am a feminist, this has no impact on my sexual life. Being a feminist means being a believer in equality of the sexes, it does not mean man hating.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Holland said:


> Being a feminist has little to do with anything. I am a feminist, this has no impact on my sexual life. Being a feminist means being a believer in equality of the sexes, it does not mean man hating.


Hmmm. .. I'm not sure if all feminists feel the same way. With W, I'm a feminist and I'm the one in control... Which is messed up. I'm glad you feel the way you do.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Ummm how often do you head down south? How much does she enjoy it? Can she relax and get into it? If not talk as you head down, "love the scent, love the taste, love making you come, love holding your hips up for my mouth...." Talk to her so she gains confidence.


 I head down south whenever I can... but when I do, she 'feels disconnected' yet again. I've tried and I think she's let me just to prove a point . . . she ain't gonna let that happen. Is she a bit frigid???


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I just have a hard time buying into the label of someone not being a sexual person. I don't think frigid would be an accurate term. I like repressed better. I think we are all born with all we need to learn to be fully functioning productive caring adults. Something happens along the way that prevents that development.

I still think you should talk with her regularly, without judgement, sharing your views of what is healthy between loving adults. Philosophical discussions about what makes us connect, feel loved... It might help her open up and express what might be blocking her? IDK worth a try...


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon, I've had the above talk and the end result is that my wife considers the concept of emotional connection only applicable to people 15 and under (that should not be dating anyway). It is hard to believe that they exist but they do.

There are plenty of cultural or other environment related reasons they are the way they are... If you're lucky you can spot them during the dating process and steer clear. If you're unlucky they either hide or repress it or some event triggers its activation after the wedding cake has been consumed.

The lack of emotional connection is very distracting in a marriage, far more than the lack of sex. Since the two are generally related... You get the idea.


----------



## bevixnz (Nov 22, 2013)

Rather than focusing on getting pleasure for yourself, perhaps more gains can be made by focusing that energy on her. If you can get her going with something that works for her (perhaps some erotic fiction or massage etc) she might be so horny she will do anything to get things going.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The other games you allude to are probably more important to fixing this that trying to turn her on.

So she willingly gave you head during a time period when she felt you needed some extra TLC. Then it stopped.

When my H was going through a very difficult time last year, I also felt the need to nurture him with extra TLC...in the language all men speak  so this means she obviously does love you.

Does she ever read much about sex in general? I wonder if she fully understands that being a feminist doesn't mean that sex can't also be raunchy, ribald, and even rough?

There are several TV shows, I can't remember the names, that are like mini documentaries on human sexuality. There are books and articles like this....Get Out of Your Head... and into Bed! | Lifescript.com

Maybe reading together will open the discussion?


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

AP actually I think you may have hit on one of her sexual drivers. She liked giving him oral when she was in control and she thought he needed it. OP you mentioned you were depressed, was she initiating sex more at that time also?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

That's right... What made her willingly give when you needed it but now she doesn't feel you need it?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Estfjher said:


> If it is in a sexy, strong, masculine way then you have hope.


Care to share the need for eye rolling here?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ignore it Holland, check out all that persons posts, they all have hidden links. I've already reported it as spam.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks AP I was feeling sorry for them, thought they had never had the pleasure of experiencing such a great man.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

For some people, a good and healthy sex life within a marriage is simply not important.
Reading the posts on TAM, it seems far more women seem to have libido issues than men.

Whats the saying?...'A husband should never have to ask for sex and the wife should never deny her husband sex'......and it should cut both ways too. I speak my wifes language of sex...massages, flowers, tea in bed etc....I accept that is what she likes so I do it because I love her. My language, which she doesnt speak, is sex...not 'duty sex' but sex because she loves me...

When I was dating my wife we had a good if plain (no oral from her) sex life. We married, had children....she lost interest in sex and over time so did I. I sort of got programmed by association that sex wasnt important.
I am re-awakening sexually...sadly my wife is still in the desert and has no intention of coming out of it. 

On an aside...she knows how much it would mean to me if she gave me a BJ, even if I wore a condom...not interested. 

Had I known then what I do now I would not have asked for her hand in marriage.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

bevixnz said:


> Rather than focusing on getting pleasure for yourself, perhaps more gains can be made by focusing that energy on her. If you can get her going with something that works for her (perhaps some erotic fiction or massage etc) she might be so horny she will do anything to get things going.


I've been doing all I can to please her. Whatever she asks. I think to the point of being a 'nice guy.' And as any reformed nice guy can tell you , that doesn't work.

Thanks for replying.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> There are several TV shows, I can't remember the names, that are like mini documentaries on human sexuality. There are books and articles like this....Get Out of Your Head... and into Bed! | Lifescript.com
> 
> Maybe reading together will open the discussion?


I'll give this a read through. Thanks.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

askari said:


> Had I known then what I do now I would not have asked for her hand in marriage.


I think this is where I'm coming around to as well. I guess the question I need to ask myself is, do I stay or do I go? And you all are right, this isn't all about a BJ.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Sex is a large part of a marriage, but if it becomes a deal breaker, then the marriage wasn't good anyway. I don't know of anyone that would leave over 2x week vanilla sex? Most cases sex covers up all other shortcomings & when the sex changes, then everything else rises to the surface. There is a saying- " when the marriage is good, the sex is good & when the sex is bad, the marriage is bad". When you have to talk them into it, bribe, guilt, threaten etc, their feelings for you have already changed. Being intimate should be a natural thing & not have to be encouraged.
I've said it before, premarital sex kills a marriage, it is a just a way to hook us.
My wife was a nympho while we were dating & for about 7 years into our marriage & then the decline set in. Now she can go months without & not miss it, it is just another chore. You lose interest after awhile, when you want steak & it's always the same boring plain hamburger.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Even when it's steak, I can't fathom any activity done multiple times a week for recreation or pleasure and not becoming ho hum after a while...


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

john117 said:


> Even when it's steak, I can't fathom any activity done multiple times a week for recreation or pleasure and not becoming ho hum after a while...


You're right, there has to desire & an emotional connection, and not just a physical activity.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

The steak/hamburger analogy i a good one. This morning we got into another argument. In another discussion, she said sometimes husbands go with their wives to the opera, not because the H likes it, but does it for the W. I asked her about it this morning and I replied, sometimes W give their H head because they do it for their H. That didn't go over too well. I also told her it feels like she's punishing me for something - and I told she has used sex as a weapon in the past - which she admitted to. I told her that was disgusting and how emasculating it was. Not sure where this is heading. Thanks for all your comments.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jayde, sex is not the root cause of your issues. In fact, I'm not sure what your actual issues are. I checked out your profile and I skimmed thru every thread you started. So unless I missed something, the only thing I know about the two of you is this:


You've been mean to her (anger issues if I'm correct???)
She's been mean to you and has used sex as a weapon in the past.
You have a girl who started college. Doing well so far, but has a mental issue of some sort (Aspergers, Autism, BPD?????).
One or both of you have had consultations with divorce lawyers in the past.
MC and IC for you and both. More than one counselor used due to not finding a good one yet??

As you can see, there's some things that we know, but we know nothing about what the actual issues are. I don't recall ever seeing anything like "My wife is angry at me because of A, B and C". Or, "My wife acts like 1, 2 and 3 and it's driving me up a wall".


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Plan 9 . . . wow, you really did your homework. THanks. Yes, there are more issues. The oral sex bit is just an obvious manifestation of them. She's been discovering in her therapy her need to be perfect and present the perfect image. This has been the case all of our marriage but in recent years it's been more and more obvious to me. In her pursuit of perfection driven by low self esteem and anxiety, I have been repeatedly put on the back burner (so she can be the perfect little person for someone else) or manipulated in countless tiny ways. And, over the past 3 -4 years, I've actually been able to 'see' these scenarios play out and be conscious of them. 

For example, this past weekend I was doing some leaf raking. She said she wanted to help and so that we can do this together. Sounds good so far. Then she'll ask what she wants me to do (ummm. pick up the leaves) and she'll want pretty detailed instructions and will ask lots of questions to clarify. (We're just raking up leaves). And so in the past, I would feel frustration from all her questions, conflicted - "she just wants to help", annoyed she just can't figure it out (put leaves in bag), etc. And she doesn't like doing any gardening or yard work in the first place.

So, she'll offer to help but not really want to do it and therefore it comes across as a little passive-aggressive (I'll help but I'll make you nuts helping) and insincere (which it is), but in the end (after 20 minutes) she can walk away knowing that she 'helped' her loving husband and what a wonderful wife she is. And then she'll take our daughters to the mall so she can buy them stuff and prove she's a great mother to them. While I rake for another 5 hours.

I'lll probably get slammed for being such an ass, but the subtlies of living with a 'perfect' person is daunting. I told her this recently and she actually agreed - her therapist must be amazing.

Well, how does this all fit into the oral sex bit? Not sure, except the oral sex is very black and white - it's happening or it's not. Whereas all the other head games are too slippery to put my finger on - but I'm getting better.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ugh, you just described my sister! Is your wife hyper controlling too? Has never ever been wrong and when she was wrong it was someone else's fault?

It's all about the show. They build some absurd image in their mind about what a good wife does, what a good mother does, what a good neighbor does and then they do those things. But those of who know them, can see it's all for show and there isn't a sincere bone in their body!

And now you have you answer.

A good wife gives blow jobs during all sexual encounters as part of foreplay. A great wife will take it completion at least 2-3 times per month. A good wife embraces her dirty mind.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

AP - it's startling how right on target you are. Incredible. And it has become increasingly unbearable to watch the show and how fictitious it all is. 

"And now you have your answer."

Does this mean she's never going to change? And this is it - like or leave it, literally?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't think this is like it or leave it. She's in therapy and has already shown some good insight and taken responsibility for her need to be perfect. She will also discover more about herself and with your support and authenticity, she will likely come damn close to normal, maybe even better than normal...even well adjusted!

Call it as you see it, but don't play her games. Next time she offers to help at a no brainer task, give some simple explanations the paise her for her effort. As annoying as perfectionists are, they are really just screaming for love and acceptance. The need to be perfect is from having love withheld as a child. An alcoholic parent probably.

Yes, there is healing, yes it can happen. Yes I think you should stick with it.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Anon said: *"I just have a hard time buying into the label of someone not being a sexual person. I don't think frigid would be an accurate term. I like repressed better. I think we are all born with all we need to learn to be fully functioning productive caring adults. Something happens along the way that prevents that development."*

I don't mean to call you out on this, but you feel this way because YOU are a highly sexual person and you can't understand how anyone could feel differently than you do, unless they have been damaged or stunted in some way.

But Anon...some people really are NOT that sexual, and it is normal for them not to be, and it isn't because they are damaged or broken.

I think it is a disservice to people who aren't that sexual for those who are highly sexual to dismiss their very real and valid feelings.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Anon said: *"I just have a hard time buying into the label of someone not being a sexual person. I don't think frigid would be an accurate term. I like repressed better. I think we are all born with all we need to learn to be fully functioning productive caring adults. Something happens along the way that prevents that development."*
> 
> I don't mean to call you out on this, but you feel this way because YOU are a highly sexual person and you can't understand how anyone could feel differently than you do, unless they have been damaged or stunted in some way.
> 
> ...


You're right, even when I wanted no sex at all I was still a passionate person.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't think this is like it or leave it. She's in therapy and has already shown some good insight and taken responsibility for her need to be perfect.


Yes, I wonder, daily, if not hourly, if it's a little too little a little too late.

She will also discover more about herself and with your support and authenticity, she will likely come damn close to normal, maybe even better than normal...even well adjusted! [/QUOTE]
I love your enthusism . . . just not sure if I have the stamina


Call it as you see it, but don't play her games. Next time she offers to help at a no brainer task, give some simple explanations the paise her for her effort. 

This sounds really simple . . . but it's NOT . that's part of the problem.

As annoying as perfectionists are, they are really just screaming for love and acceptance. 

So True, but so hard to do all the time, when at the same time they are ripping you down to feel better than you are.

The need to be perfect is from having love withheld as a child. An alcoholic parent probably.

Yes, there is healing, yes it can happen. Yes I think you should stick with it.[/QUOTE]

Thanks.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

"So True, but so hard to do all the time, when at the same time they are ripping you down to feel better than you are."

This is why I no longer have a relationship with my sister.

Only you can make that decision. But you should not over look the positives. She does have sex, just not good sex. She is in therapy, just has a ways to go. The choice is yours. Don't know how old you are or how long you've been married or if you have kids.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Actually if you're willing to play the game you can work with a low self esteem perfectionist woman. Step one is to become the master of the underhanded compliment. If you can criticize while showing her a framework of how the perfect wife does it, all while seeming to praise her (which she highly desires) you'll be on your way. 

Of course it's pure manipulation and I'm likely to get lynched for even mentioning it. For the record this does not describe MY wife and I don't play those games.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Wow Jayde... your wife sounds a lot like someone I remember many years ago. She had to control everything in her world. She wanted everything perfect and she worked very hard to make everything perfect to control everything and everybody in her life. Too hard...in fact. Unfortunately eventually that kind of life comes crumbling down around your ears, life will eventually teach you that control is actually an illusion.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Jayde...you married to my wife?!

The raking up the leaves incident strick home! Definitely passive aggressive.

My wife does exactly the same....I enjoy cooking so do most of it...she will walk into the kitchen and ask if she can help...I say...'oh, yes please....could you do x'...then come the 20,000 questions, then when she does it all wrong I get annoyed (because I have to start from scratch again) = I'm the bad person, all she was trying to do was help. I'd rather just do it all on my own.

Where we live you have to display your insurance certificate in the car window. I renewed the insurance on her car and gave her the windscreen certificate, told her she had to put it up tomorrow because her insurance expired at midnight tomorrow.
She didnt...two days later she got pulled by the cops. It was my fault!

We went to counselling...when the counsellor started talking about the importance of sex in marriage and how its give and take etc my wife stopped going. I still go because I am trying to better me.

Some people are just plain passive aggressive, narcissists and just simply not interested in sex.
They want they want the respectibility....married, husband has a good job, nice house, 'perfect' son and daughter, golden retriever etc etc... but are not interested in what really makes a marriage work...team work, doing your fair share, showing love for your husband...doing things that you don't always like doing....

Bet Jayde doesnt like sweeping the leaves for five hours but he did it....

Some people just wont change, cant change....don't see the need to change.

Sounds like Jayde's wife is like mine. When my children are old enough (16-18yrs) I'm off.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

jayde said:


> She never went down on me for the first 15 years of marriage. Then started, not sure why. Then stopped after 1.5 years and during which she said she enjoyed it. Recently, she told me she did it to help me with a depression I went through. So, does she like it, was she lying (typical), was it duty sex.


I am mostly curious why she would suddenly give you oral for over a year and then stop again. There's got to be more to this. Was there anything that could affect her hormones? Going through menopause, pregnant, taking medication, etc?

Another possibility: Hate to throw out a wild card, but is it possible she has been cheating? Maybe during that year and a half she was seeing another lover (male or female) and so felt more fulfilled and adventurous. Stranger things have happened.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

askari said:


> Jayde...you married to my wife?!
> 
> The raking up the leaves incident strick home! Definitely passive aggressive.
> 
> Sounds like Jayde's wife is like mine. When my children are old enough (16-18yrs) I'm off.


Askari . . . sorry to hear you're in the same boat. My kids are 18, 17, 14 . . . you would bail at this time? Just curious.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Another possibility: Hate to throw out a wild card, but is it possible she has been cheating? Maybe during that year and a half she was seeing another lover (male or female) and so felt more fulfilled and adventurous. Stranger things have happened.


That had crossed my mind. There was a time that there were lots of things pointing to that. Sudden password on the computer, phone became important and a few others. I actually confronted her,saying all these signs - for most anyone else, would point to an affair. At one point I called her cell (after expecting her to be home 45 minutes prior) and it was busy. She called back in 5 minutes saying she went for a walk and left her phone in the car. By the time she got home, I looked up who she was on the phone with (her brother) and why'd she lie to me. It was kind of bizarre she'd lie to me about talking with her brother. 

I don't think she's capable of having an affair. That said, I'm someone wil tell me that's what every other cheated on spouse thought.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Jayde...yes I think I probably would bail out now. Though I know it is alot easier said than done.

Sounds like you have a nice house - big enough to have to spend 5 hours raking leaves!! - no doubt lovely children. 
I do not live in the US so am not familiar with custody rights. I suppose the most you will get is joint custody...probably.

However at the age you children are, they will be seen as being old enough to make informed decisions and will understand that whilst Mum and Dad still love them, they don't love each other. Sometimes marriages don't work. Both Mum and Dad have the right to be happy...even if that means separating.
You were both there, together, for their formative years. 

Jayde, you too have the right to be happy. When you die you die alone...do you want to lie there thinking 'why didn't I?'....or 'if only'...?

You have done your best, you have tried. Admit defeat and get YOUR life back.

Just seen your above hence the edit - I don't think my wife is capable of an affair either!! Men with steak at home go out to have a burger...with my wife it will still be frozen!!


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Askari . . . thanks for the note. I have been getting my life back, little by little. I don't think I realized just how far gone I was. I stopped doing a lot of things that I enjoyed, lost track of friends and other things. I just became too caught up in her drama and crazy head games. At one point this past summer she did something totally typical of her bahavior. my 17 year old son turned to me and said, "Why did you marry her?" Wow, what a blow! It made me wonder - I don't think that she was always as she is. But it started changing very early in our marriage (21 years btw). 

Anon Pink - one thing my wife does is manage to take the fun out of everything. Is this something your sister does? Askari, your wife? IN addition to the passive aggressive behavior, through her overcontrolling, nothing's spontaneouos and all fun 'controlled' out of the situation.

Funny . . . I was taking my 2 yougest to school this morning (usually it's my wife). If the kids are running too late, W just goes out to the car to wait for them. So, they were running really late this morning, so I announced, "I will passive aggressively wait for you in the car." They laughed.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Askari . . . thanks for the note. I have been getting my life back, little by little. I don't think I realized just how far gone I was. I stopped doing a lot of things that I enjoyed, lost track of friends and other things. I just became too caught up in her drama and crazy head games. At one point this past summer she did something totally typical of her bahavior. my 17 year old son turned to me and said, "Why did you marry her?" Wow, what a blow! It made me wonder - I don't think that she was always as she is. But it started changing very early in our marriage (21 years btw). 

Anon Pink - one thing my wife does is manage to take the fun out of everything. Is this something your sister does? Askari, your wife? IN addition to the passive aggressive behavior, through her overcontrolling, nothing's spontaneouos and all fun 'controlled' out of the situation.

Funny . . . I was taking my 2 yougest to school this morning (usually it's my wife). If the kids are running too late, W just goes out to the car to wait for them. So, they were running really late this morning, so I announced, "I will passive aggressively wait for you in the car." They laughed.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jayde said:


> "I will passive aggressively wait for you in the car." They laughed.


:rofl:

Classic!

I don't know if my sister does that. I've never allowed her to have that much control over me. She generally turns her nose up at my humor, and generally would do her level best to make me feel like an idiot, and generally cuts me out of conversations, and generally points out how wrong I am according to Forbes magazine, when were talking about pet care!!!! 

Whatever you decide, life is too short to force yourself to be content with moderately happy sometimes.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> :rofl:
> She generally turns her nose up at my humor, and generally would do her level best to make me feel like an idiot,


Oh yeah . . . SoH. She's recently been making a big deal of "oh, I forget what a great SoH you have." I think, you're damned right . . . lots of people think so.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Take the fun out of things? Absolutely! 
We can be having dinner with friends....5 couples all sitting round the tanle laughing, joking, taking the mickey out of each other (we are all different nationalities)....my wife just sits there not engaging, not getting involved etc.

Because of where we live etc, our children are at boarding school....although they come back every other weekend taking them back to school (1 hr drive away) is always tinged with sadness. When I take them back on my own we arrive at school happy and laughing because we have spent the last hour joking and having a generally good time! They fall out of tje car because they are laughing so much!

When my wife is in the car the atmosphere is dead.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

askari said:


> Take the fun out of things? Absolutely!
> 
> They fall out of tje car because they are laughing so much!
> 
> When my wife is in the car the atmosphere is dead.


Looking back was your wife always like this? I think I mentioned my 17 year old son turning to ask me, in front of her, "Dad, why did you marry her?"... And I thought this was not the woman I married. What happened to her?


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The best time ever with my kids was when my wife flew back to her country to deal with some pressing matters. We had a BLAST....

They've asked me the same question, too. Same answer.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

jayde - has she always been like this?...yes I think so, but as she has become older (49 now) her 'bubble' has become alot smaller.

As a family, we have far more fun when she is not around. Sad isn't it?

I think my children are still a bit too young to ask me why I married her. But our oldest has said 'we have far more fun when Mummy isnt with us'..... Even sadder.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Yes, it is sad that things are happier without mommy (dearest). I truly sometimes wish she's just go away. And that's sad.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

"I truly sometimes wish she's just go away. And that's sad."

Ditto


----------

