# Are my expectations flawed?



## Lost_and_Found (May 22, 2008)

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years. We have two children. I have a high paying job that allows her to be a stay at home mom and still live a very comfortable life. I work very hard at my job and take pride in the life I provide for my family. My wife and I got into a discussion today about what our expectations are for each other and it turned into a fight when I said I had some expectations for her that weren't being met in the area of sex and intimacy. I provide for her every need through the job I have and through the attention I give her. I make efforts to connect with her on an emotional and friendship level every day. I look for little in return as far as what I expect her to contribute to the household. When I said it would be nice to be shown gratitude in the way of sex, she blew up and said I was wanting her to be a hooker. Is it flawed to think that sex can be a way of saying thanks for providing for me and my children, thanks for seeing to my emotional needs. Sometimes I feel like a paycheck when she throws out the "I feel like a hooker when you say that". 
If you're a stay at home mom, do you/ can you use sex as a reward for your hard working husband? I don't keep a list of chores for her to do in exchange for sharing my income with her. I do it out of love and responsibility. I just think it would be nice to be rewarded on a more regular basis. Women use sex to get what they want all the time, right? She's getting what she wants and all I would like in return is some extra sex.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I believe you are looking at sex in an improper manor. Your vision is flawed. To present it as I bring home the bacon, you need to put out more would likely make her feel sex is a duty payable on demand. i.e. a hooker. Do spouses use sex to get what they want? Some do but it is certainly not women alone who use it in this manner. That you discussed what your needs and wants are is a good step in communicating with each other. But sex is a wonderful “gift” one spouse gives to the other. It is shared, not owed. You need to take things a step forward and ask her what she needs from the marriage. She may not be monetarily or gift oriented. She my want acts of service from you or a better appreciation of what she does for the family. I’d back away from the view point that sex is owed and concentrate more on what makes your wife happy. If she is happy she should be more willing to provide you with your needs. Happier marriages makes for better sex. Good luck
:smthumbup:


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

Wow, sounds like you're really frustrated and need to vent some. 

This is interesting for me because in our relationship it's the other way around. I (the wife) am the one working full-time. My husband is self-employed, which means that he often works from home and is basically running the household (no kids). And I'm the one who complains about not getting sex. But it never would have occured to me to hold it over my husband's head, or to expect some type of sexual reward from him.

The fact that I can leave him a shopping list, come home, and my tomatoes are there is a blessing. I don't have to do laundry. Something's wrong with one car, then I take the other and he has mine looked at. I love him so much for doing all the, pardon my French, sh*t that I don't want to do. We've decided on our paths in life, and neither one of us is forcing the other to do what he/she's doing.

When thing's aren't working in the bedroom, then at some point we have some discussions about it. It's never easy because we are both not satisfied with the way things go sometimes. But talking about it is the only way for us to deal with it. Of course I also make my accusations left and right ("if you really loved me" for example), but sex is not a right or a priviledge. And it's certainly not a trade-off.
For the most part I understand why my husband doesn't want to have sex, and that helps. Do you understand why your wife doesn't? Why is something that you see as a reward not a reward for her? Sounds like the whole approach has its faults.
I hope you can talk to her about it and reach some conclusions together. I don't think her life is about putting her feet up all day, watching soaps and eating chocolates... Simply keeping a household up and running is a *****, and then two kids on top of it. Reward her (and not just by paying the rent), and you might get something back for it


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## Lost_and_Found (May 22, 2008)

I understand that sex is not owed, but my providing for my family is and I do it out of love for them. She has needs in the way of clothes, a car, getting her nails done every week, going out to lunch with her friends, etc... and I provide a means for her to do this. I have a need for sex more than the once a week she has made a point of keeping track of, if I try for more, I get "we already had sex this week". Like I said, I have needs too that aren't being met. How do I address this without going so far as saying; I do all of this for you out of love, why can't you at least do this for me to show me how appreciative you are for what I provide. Telling me is just talk as far as I'm concerned and her actions make me feel like a source of income. Actions speak louder than words, right? It is just frustrating, I feel really unfulfilled in my needs and I don't want to look anywhere else to fill them. I want my wife, I love her and her alone. What do I need to do to get her to understand and care about my needs the way I understand hers?


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## Lost_and_Found (May 22, 2008)

I do feel like I reward her for taking care of the house and kids. She gets nights out with the girls while I stay home with the kids, I buy her nice(diamond) jewelry for no reason, I let her go shopping whenever she feels like it, the spa, etc... She expects me to maintain a cretain income for her to feel comfortable and safe, what do I get for this in return? I am not demanding sex every day, just more than once a week and for me to not to be the one to initiate it is all.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree: with the above replies & will add my 2 cents for what it's worth...

If I were in your wife's shoes, I could easily think "I should get that grass cut today because I know he's had a long week and he shouldn't have to worry about that on the weekend." 

On the other hand, there are days where I can see my husband is stressed or in the mood and sex that evening would probably be welcomed (although for him it is on most nights). 

For me, sex is very much based on my emotional connection to him and if I'm not feeling that way, it would be difficult to comply without feeling like a piece of meat in a sense to think that even when he knows I'm not up for it he will still go there so it no longer feels like an act of love or emotional closeness/connection.

This is an area I just decided for the health of our marriage, to look at what I could do to keep us in sync. One example might be if we had some discussion in the morning about it, but by the time the kids came home from school and the eldest teenager blew his top and my work project needed to be reworked by EOD I was no longer in the same state of mind but my husband shouldn't bear the brunt of it by being rejected. Instead, I would take a time-out for myself...get in the whirlpool or go get a pedicure or lay in bed and read cosmo...anything to relax and rejuvenate and be able to connect with him in a loving way that evening so by bedtime I welcomed sex. I also be sure to let him know if my day didn't go so well and just having him listen and be supportive keeps me connected.

It sounds as though you have a strong marriage otherwise, so I hope you are able to work through this together.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

oh, and for the record, I don't think your expectations are flawed, I just think the approach you are using has little chance of being effective.


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## Lost_and_Found (May 22, 2008)

That's the thing, I hate the feeling of rejection and the resentment I have afterwards. She could do it for me, knowing the impact it has on my mood after a long day at work. A small, selfless act like that would go a long way towards the health of our relationship some days. And that's the way I see it sometimes, it's a selfless act she could do for me, like when I rub her feet. I don't want to rub her feet, but I know she enjoys it and it helps her to relax. As far as I am concerned, it's the same thing almost. I would like a willing participant, and it being her idea is better. I hate being told no when I always say yes to her.


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## Lost_and_Found (May 22, 2008)

I don't want you to think I hold it over her head. We got to this conversation by her addressing a need that I was not meeting. I simply added this out of frustration and feeling like a paycheck sometimes. It was simply, I do all of this for you and you are asking for more, I want more of this for all the things I do for you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If it comes down to a difference in sexual drives her initiating probably won't happen at this point because she's already fulfilled. Sex isn't a physical need for me, so I don't fully understand it from my husband's perspective other than he has told me that after 3 days he gets irritable. 

If your wife is like me, maybe she just doesn't get the extent of how this affects you? Have you told her you feel rejected/unwanted/whatever you feel and it is causing resentment and it's getting worse as time goes on? 

Here's an idea...my husband bought a massage table some months back and I have to say (although I know work on his part) it would be difficult for me not to have sex after he gives me a massage. I guess this only works if the favor is returned on other nights or it would again feel one-sided.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Lost_and_Found said:


> We got to this conversation by her addressing a need that I was not meeting.


If this need of hers is of an emotional nature, it may be closely tied to her sex drive. As Amp stated above, addressing those needs will go a long way.


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

I agree with Amp a lot with what he said. however, on the same coin... you should try to sit down and talk about what you would like from each other, as a couple. Not really as a gripe session, but more as a session of talking to improve your relationship. It may help a lot, if nothing more than to at least get both of your feelings out in the open.

By the way, what was her need that was not being met... if you don't mind me asking? If you do, just tell me to STFU, lol, and I'll understand that it is very personal in nature.

But as stated previously, the needs thing is a 2 way street. If her need was emotional, then it may have well effected the sex. But if she still persists with the hooker thing... even after your doing everything to address her needs... then ask her if your request is just something she is morally against. Maybe... ya know?


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## Lost_and_Found (May 22, 2008)

Russell,

It's not that we don't have sex regularly, and the question about there being something morally objectionable that I am asking her to do is a negative. My wife and I are very open minded and used to communicate openly about sex. The root of my complaint is that she has addressed needs that I am obligated to fulfil as a husband and provider. Why should I get jumped on when my need is sex and that I don't feel like I get enough. Her need was that she's with the kids all day and needed some time to herself on a regular basis, I responded with the fact I work all day to support her lifestyle and it would be nice if she showed a little gratitude and had sex with me more frequently. I am expected to provide in so many ways for her and if I say give me more sex for this, she equates it being a prostitute.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How would you feel if she asked you to get a second job so she could spend more like her friends?

draconis


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

Lost_and_Found said:


> Russell,
> 
> The root of my complaint is that she has addressed needs that I am obligated to fulfil as a husband and provider...
> ... I responded with the fact I work all day to support her lifestyle and it would be nice if she showed a little gratitude and had sex with me more frequently.



It's not 1950 anymore. You're not obligated to do anything just because you are male, especially not support someone's lifestyle. It's your choice. And no person is *ever* obligated to have sex. This is her choice.

If you feel she should show gratitude for what you're doing, then you're doing it for the wrong reason.


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## Lost_and_Found (May 22, 2008)

draconis,

I don't undersatand what one has to do with the other? I provide for her every need. I don't expect much in return. Maintaining the house is not a 40hr a week job. Not to mention all of the perks I afford her. I have a need for moer sex. How does me having a need for more sex equate to a second job? I'm not asking for nor do I recieve sex every day. All I'm asking for is more than the once a week I have been scaled back to over the years. I think I deserve more, a showing of gratitude for my labors. I don't think it equates to prostitution if I ask. I perform acts of service for her, to show her I love her. I don't mind because it makes her happy. All I'm asking for is the same in return, without all of the drama.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

The point is what if she expected you to add 80 more hours a week to your schedule besides what you do now, how would you feel?

You want her to give it up for you because "you want." Sex isn't a need it is a want, there is a major difference. 

The way that you approach her makes her feel cheap and unloved. True sexual connections happen when you want to give yourself mind, body and soul. That is when you want to give yourself not when you are expected too.

Sex isn't a reward for the labors you do but for the love you two should be sharing.

I do agree that sex can be an important part of a relationship, but like the old saying about honey.

At a certian point diamonds loss their luster and are just rocks. You can't buy love.

I would suggest you learn to communicate with your wife better. It sounds like she is giving you all the answers you need but you are not hearing what she is saying.

draconis


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