# Free Beer! just kidding, but I need advice....I need to know if I really am crazy...



## maestra (Jun 3, 2010)

Hello Gentlemen, 
Thank you for reading this.... okay, I will get straight to the point. I am married for the second time. I have a 6 year old from my first baby's daddy, and my new husband and I have 19 month old. We have been married for almost a year....not long. I have known him since elementary school, and he was even my boyfriend for like two weeks in middle school. We were reunited at his ex-girlfriend's/my ex-best friend's funeral (romantic, huh?). We moved very quickly, sleeping together, moving in together, and I was pregnant 5 months later. Needless to say, we are really getting to know the "real" side of the other one. First, the facts- I am a teacher, have a college degree, and make more money than he does. Now, the money does not bother me (I used to date a very wealthy professional athlete, and the money gets old). He has never really had a healthy relationship before. I have had several unhealthy relationships before. We are both Christians now, but looking at our marriage, you wouldnt know it. He is extremely negative about everything, and NEVER shares his feelings with me (unless he is drunk, of course). I am an extrovert, and no one ever has to wonder what I am thinking or feeling. He is an introvert, and I walk on eggshells all the time because he is the moodiest man I have ever met. From past experiences, I have been told that I am attractive (was even in a swimsuit calndar once). I take care of myself and so does he. He enjoys looking at those magazines with the girls with the real big, airbrushed bootys (note that I have a nice-sized booty,too). I only gained 19 pounds when I was pregnant with our son. I take very good care of him sexually, as well. I make his lunch every morning, too. He is very selfish sexually, and never makes me lunch. We are not rich, but for some reason, he tries to justify buying expensive things for himself when we can't afford it, and if I say anything about it, he says, "You spend more money than me", or, "I can't ever buy anything without you *****in". He stays after work every Friday afternoon and gets hammered while I rush home to get the kids. Then, he drives home drunk (he already has 2 dwis) and that's when I get pissed, and yes, I start *****in again. Then, he gets defensive, and mean. He cusses at me in front of the kids, and says hateful things. He has never once apologized to me for anything, and he thinks every day, including Mother's Day should be about him. He tries to convince me that I am crazy and thinks everything i say is stupid or his favorite word, "ridiculous". I feel extremely unappreciated for being a very willing sex partner, a supermom to our kids, a ful-time working teacher, and frankly, a smokin hot wife. We can't communicate or discuss anything, because he gets defensive, and we argue every time. I do not like the way he talks to me, especially in front of our kids. 
Am I just a crazy *****y wife? Is this normal? What should I do? I will tell you what I am about to do...... divorce #2. I don't deserve it, nor do my kids. Thanks boys!


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## misis (Jun 3, 2010)

oh my, it's difficult to handle your partner. im not sure what ill do if im in your situation. btw, im a woman not a gentleman. but what i do know is that if you talk to any man while he is in the right mood, you may just be able to tell him anything without ending up in a fight. try to stay calm.


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

To me this looks like a huge boundary issue. A lack there of - honestly for you both. You seem to be taking on most everything and he is just sitting back and enjoying the ride. Sounds like you need to sit and discuss these issues with him. To misis point find the time when he is in a good mood. If you catch what I am saying.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This may sound trite, but your story isn't all that unusual. I find it stunning the number of women that are drawn to selfish, emotionally unavailable, irresponsible guys that apparently are perceived as independent, aloof and cool. I dunno, maybe this kind of guy is the life of the party and fun - but he isn't a husband.

Not saying this is your case exactly ... but I think you know the guy I'm talking about. 

You didn't marry a grown up. Before you throw this one back and cast your line out again, I suggest you seriously consider what criteria you need for a 'keeper'. 

What was husband #1 like?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:toast:

I'm not a guy, but just stopped in for the free beer 


2 DUI's and he's driving drunk? No, you are not crazy and this is not normal. If he's spending $ he doesn't have now, imagine the cost of a 3rd DUI? He is putting a huge unneccesary risk on your family by doing this...not to mention he could kill himself or other innocent people.

I could make suggestions such as having your own allowance each week that you each can do with what you want and decide how the rest after bills is spent/saved if there is any...but he does not seem to be interested in the partnership aspect of marriage.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Sorry you're in a rough spot maestra. 

I can't help but find this funny though... "I take very good care of him sexually, as well. I make his lunch every morning, too. He is very selfish sexually, and never makes me lunch." The grouping of sex and making lunches just struck my funny bone.

You are not crazy...there are real problems afoot. Take some beer money and make some dates with a marriage counselor. Heck I'll even give up the beer you offered me to come to this thread to help get you started. Seriously, if you find a decent counselor you will never regret spending the money. Matter of fact your husband will eventually come around to admitting (provided you both go of course) that it was better money spent than had it been on beer.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I can't help thinking of the saying, "Marry in haste, repent in leisure." 

You are doing a lot of things right, but you need help. You cannot "fix" this on your own, and it may not be repairable, but you can at least try. Go to counseling. If he won't go, go on your own and figure out what you want to do. One divorce and one really unhappy marriage which may end in divorce suggest you may have something wrong with your "picker." Counseling will help you figure out why you are choosing unsuitable men and/or why you have difficulties making a marriage work. If you are in "He's great raw material" mode, then you can learn to see men as they are, not as you want them to be. Whatever it is you might need to change, you can. And, you may learn ways to improve your marriage tremendously, negating the need for the other stuff. Give it a shot. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Not that I think you are at this point, but thought I'd mention this book. I hope to have my kids read it.

How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk - John Van Epp, Ph.D.


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