# LOST HOPE or MIXED FEELINGS?



## 2loyal4u (Jul 23, 2015)

I guess I have finally had my reality check. My marriage is coming to an end. Wow, it seems I'm finally able to say this without bursting into tears. I guess that's a good thing, right?

I've been married for 7 years. Well, actually this year 2/15 would have been our 7th anniversary, but Mr. H decided to move out our anniversary weekend without my knowledge. I came home from work and found all of his belongings gone. He didn't leave a note. I called him several times and he didn't answer. He sent me a long drawn out text message saying how his heart and soul was no longer in this marriage and he was at a high level of depression and he wanted to be alone and he didn't deserve to be my husband. 

For the past 5 months, he's been back and forth here and I felt we were working things out. 

I was wrong, as he has 2 kids from a previous relationship (prior to our marriage). She had married someone and moved on with her life. However, her husband passed away Nov of 2012. So my H felt it necessary to help her out more, not just with the kids, but with whatever else she may need help with (for example, car problems). 

Just last month (after I asked), he admitted that "something" happened between the 2 of them. I was hurt of course, and livid. I asked how he could betray me this way and he said, "we weren't together!" I told him, "this may be true, but you're still married to me."

Now the other day I let it be known to him that I am going to live my life. I will no longer sit around wondering if he will come back. He asked if this mean I wanted to go and file the divorce papers. I told him NO as I still think this can be worked out if he was willing. He said right now he wants "this to work with his kids and their mom". I told him this was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. How can he build a relationship/commitment with her while still married to me? He said he's not and not living with her. He's staying at a friend's. Yet, he was here just last weekend asking for my help with bills because he is broke and jobless right now. I struggled with deciding if to help him or not considering how he's treated me the past few months. I decided to help him and let it be known this is a loan that he must repay. He promises he will as soon as he's back working. I wrote up an agreement, which I had him sign.

We do not have children together due to had a hysterectomy in 2013. When I sit back and think about our years together, and the past couple of years in particular, somehow I feel as if he may have planned all of this all the long. He says that he's doing all this and scarificing for the well-being and happiness for his kids. I've told him, if we had children together, I am sure none of this would be happening. He stayed quiet.

I' started looking up the information for starting to file the divorce papers. My heart started racing and I felt I couldn't breathe. We got into an argument the other day, because he started with that same sad song about his kids needing him. It pissed me off and I told him he should start the divorce proceedings and pay for all of it, which I know he's not in any position to do this right now.

He won't listen to reason and doesn't seem to be budging. I believe in marriage, but what do you do when the other person just gives up and says he needs time, but he's with "HIS FAMILY" as he has thrown in my face time and time again? 

I just feel so much like an outsider. Part of me wants to meet with her one on one to find out what happened with her and the kids that made him lose his mind. I asked him but he won't say. Now I'm at the point where I don't think I even want him anymore. I do not like the man he has become. He's cold and nasty towards me when all I've done all these years was love and support him. I've told him I am not standing in the way of him being there for the kids, but when it comes to her, that's where I draw the line. But he's told me "she's part of his family". I asked if I was his family, he said I was.

Just wondering what others out there think about all this?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

If you file, you can always tell your lawyer to include legal fees in whatever you may be asking for, if anything. He has basically abandoned you and your marriage. He intends to make it work with his ex-wife, if possible, but does not seem to want to end his current marriage first. Maybe it is for financial reasons, but probably also to keep his options open.

I would file. It is painful but what is worse than being told you are his second choice, basically?


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

2loyal4u said:


> I believe in marriage, but what do you do when the other person just gives up and says he needs time, but he's with "HIS FAMILY" as he has thrown in my face time and time again?


Sorry you are in this situation, it's not fair.
I believe in marriage too. So much that even after my stbx had a second affair, I still would have worked on things.

But he checked out and didn't want to salvage our marriage.

You asked what do you do when the other person gives up? You take care of yourself and do what's best for you. If the other person is not willing to make things work, what can you do?

I hope you find peace in all of this and you find the answers that you need. Hugs.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

What a wimp sends you a text saying he is depressed and wants to be alone couldn't even tell you face to face. Bulll like most men who leave their marriages he is not alone he is with another women, his children' Mom. He may not be living with her now but odds are he will be. Dont give him any money and file for divorce.


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## riv12sr (Jul 23, 2015)

My single advice to you, counseling can bring about some wondrous change in them and it can inspire them to live a happy life ahead.This experts help you in any cases that can resolve years of conflict into understanding, which leads to hope, resolution and love.


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## 2loyal4u (Jul 23, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> I would file. It is painful but what is worse than being told you are his second choice, basically?


Yes, I am seriously considering filing. He is not that man I married. I'm tired of trying to reason with him. Yes, it's obvious that I've bumped from being #1 to being "a friend" (as he has said he wants us to be). At this point, I do not think I want to be that with him. I'm not calling him or texting him. I've basically been keeping to myself and visiting family and friends (people who love and care about me).


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## 2loyal4u (Jul 23, 2015)

bbgirl said:


> Sorry you are in this situation, it's not fair.
> I believe in marriage too. So much that even after my stbx had a second affair, I still would have worked on things.
> 
> But he checked out and didn't want to salvage our marriage.
> ...


Thank you! This is exactly what I am doing! Concentrating on me!


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