# getting even...very curious.



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

So I know most people on the victim end have thought about getting even with their spouse whether it be an EA or a PA and going and doing the same thing.

So has anyone done this? Entirely curious here. Curious of the experiences out there.

Don't worry, I'm feeling pretty calm tonight and not in any particularly vindictive mood


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is nothing to be gained by "getting even" and it can't be done anyway. Either you work it out with your spouse or you dump them and get on with your life. Every day you devote to being angry and vindictive is 24 hours which could have spent being happy. Usually, the best way to "get even" with a spouse who has an affair is to let the cheating partners have each other. They will normally give each other far more misery than you could ever conceive.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> There is nothing to be gained by "getting even" and it can't be done anyway. Either you work it out with your spouse or you dump them and get on with your life. Every day you devote to being angry and vindictive is 24 hours which could have spent being happy. Usually, the best way to "get even" with a spouse who has an affair is to let the cheating partners have each other. They will normally give each other far more misery than you could ever conceive.


:iagree:

Why stoop to their level? If it is wrong for them, it is wrong for you. Would you be proud of yourself to break your vows? Is it going to fix your marriage? Be the bigger person and move towards positive answers in your marriage.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree, it would only complicate things further, I think we want our partners to feel what it was like but it won't help any....
What about the person we would have the night of revenge with, I'm sure they wouldn't want to be caught in the middle of a situation like this.....why hurt someone else.........


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I never got even.... but during my "calling him out" phase, I suggested that I strike it up with an x-boyfriend of mine. One that my husband knows all the history on. He flipped out big time when I suggested this. I didn't mean it, I have no desire to connect with this x-boyfriend. But, his reaction struck a nerve and I reminded him regularly of how it made him feel. Which could help him understand, just a little bit of, what I was going through. Not exactly getting even, but I instilled the necessary feelings for him to relate to what he was doing to me. Which had the effect of him feeling pretty guilty about what he was doing to me.


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## vince325 (Sep 8, 2010)

I found out about my wifes physical/emotional affair on June 28, 2010. The affair lasted for about a month and a half and ended only because the girlfriend of my wifes "lover", sent me an email on Facebook (which I can't stand anymore and have deleted my account). After about a week of letting everything "soak" in, this is what I did. 

I sat my wife down on the couch after telling her that I needed to confess something to her, because I was feeling guilty. I told her that I had an affair with a co-worker that lasted about 3-4 months. My wife knew that this woman was beautiful, and she lost all control, began crying uncontrollably, and began to ask all of the same questions that I did after I found out about her affair. She literally ran to the bathroom and began vomiting several times in the toilet and afterward came back in total shock and was so upset. She cried and cried some more. I let this go on for 15-20 minutes and then sat her back down on the couch, I got down on my knees and looked her in the eyes, and I told her that everything that I just told her was a lie. Of course at first, she didn't believe me because I was so convincing, but I told her that I wanted her to experience a few minutes of the pain and torment that she had inflicted on me in the past week since finding out about her affair. Cruel? Yes. Did it work? Absolutely. I have never seen a woman put in so much effort into trying to get a marriage back on track. 100% committed to the marriage and we are closer now than we have ever been in the past 5 years. I couldn't imagine us being any closer than we are now.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

vince325 said:


> I found out about my wifes physical/emotional affair on June 28, 2010. The affair lasted for about a month and a half and ended only because the girlfriend of my wifes "lover", sent me an email on Facebook (which I can't stand anymore and have deleted my account). After about a week of letting everything "soak" in, this is what I did.
> 
> I sat my wife down on the couch after telling her that I needed to confess something to her, because I was feeling guilty. I told her that I had an affair with a co-worker that lasted about 3-4 months. My wife knew that this woman was beautiful, and she lost all control, began crying uncontrollably, and began to ask all of the same questions that I did after I found out about her affair. She literally ran to the bathroom and began vomiting several times in the toilet and afterward came back in total shock and was so upset. She cried and cried some more. I let this go on for 15-20 minutes and then sat her back down on the couch, I got down on my knees and looked her in the eyes, and I told her that everything that I just told her was a lie. Of course at first, she didn't believe me because I was so convincing, but I told her that I wanted her to experience a few minutes of the pain and torment that she had inflicted on me in the past week since finding out about her affair. Cruel? Yes. Did it work? Absolutely. I have never seen a woman put in so much effort into trying to get a marriage back on track. 100% committed to the marriage and we are closer now than we have ever been in the past 5 years. I couldn't imagine us being any closer than we are now.


Dude your my idol! LOL I know i'll catch flack for that one. I PMed you.


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

vince325 said:


> I found out about my wifes physical/emotional affair on June 28, 2010. The affair lasted for about a month and a half and ended only because the girlfriend of my wifes "lover", sent me an email on Facebook (which I can't stand anymore and have deleted my account). After about a week of letting everything "soak" in, this is what I did.
> 
> I sat my wife down on the couch after telling her that I needed to confess something to her, because I was feeling guilty. I told her that I had an affair with a co-worker that lasted about 3-4 months. My wife knew that this woman was beautiful, and she lost all control, began crying uncontrollably, and began to ask all of the same questions that I did after I found out about her affair. She literally ran to the bathroom and began vomiting several times in the toilet and afterward came back in total shock and was so upset. She cried and cried some more. I let this go on for 15-20 minutes and then sat her back down on the couch, I got down on my knees and looked her in the eyes, and I told her that everything that I just told her was a lie. Of course at first, she didn't believe me because I was so convincing, but I told her that I wanted her to experience a few minutes of the pain and torment that she had inflicted on me in the past week since finding out about her affair. Cruel? Yes. Did it work? Absolutely. I have never seen a woman put in so much effort into trying to get a marriage back on track. 100% committed to the marriage and we are closer now than we have ever been in the past 5 years. I couldn't imagine us being any closer than we are now.


Love it! More betrayed spouses should set up this sort of situation when they're ready to let the wayward spouse know that they're no longer in the dark about an affair.

:rofl: :smthumbup:


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Vince325, I LIKE your style!!!


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Sorry, but returning hurt for hurt is no way to move forward nor to show your love to your spouse. I don't think it is productive, and many spouses would probably not react as kindly to it as Vince's did. Have to disagree with those of you patting him on the back. What your moms taught you really is correct - two wrongs do *not* make a right.


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> Sorry, but returning hurt for hurt is no way to move forward nor to show your love to your spouse. I don't think it is productive, and many spouses would probably not react as kindly to it as Vince's did. Have to disagree with those of you patting him on the back. What your moms taught you really is correct - two wrongs do *not* make a right.


There is absolutely nothing wrong for having someone walk a mile or two in your shoes for a few minutes before revealing to them that you now know what sort of shoes you've been walking in.

Then again, I am always an advocate of the not-so-politically-correct and unpopular "You have every right to help yourself feel better by delivering a beatdown to the OM/OW within a reasonable enough amount of time so as to be able to realistically use the defense of 'emotional duress' in court" reaction as well.


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## vince325 (Sep 8, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> Sorry, but returning hurt for hurt is no way to move forward nor to show your love to your spouse. I don't think it is productive, and many spouses would probably not react as kindly to it as Vince's did. Have to disagree with those of you patting him on the back. What your moms taught you really is correct - two wrongs do *not* make a right.


This was what I decided to do, only because I knew that having an actual affair to get even, would have only complicated things x2. I wanted her to feel the pain of what it felt like, because usually the cheating spouse has no clue of the degree of hurt they have inflicted, except if it had been done to them in the past. I feel like she understands now what I am going through. You may feel like it was wrong, but I made my point with her, and yes, I think it was productive and I believe it has helped us move forward. What has worked for me may not work as well for others, but it was my decision after careful thought. Love is not supposed to hurt, and I wasn't doing it to be cruel, I did it because I want to save my marriage and I wanted to get her attention. I have children, and when they misbehave, I don't like to spank them, but I do, only because I love them and I want them to learn from their mistakes, so your logic of two wrongs don't make a right, doesn't necessarily fit into every situation.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

vince325 said:


> I have children, and when they misbehave, I don't like to spank them, but I do, only because I love them and I want them to learn from their mistakes, so your logic of two wrongs don't make a right, doesn't necessarily fit into every situation.


The difference is that spanking is not only wrong, it is right and nescesary in raising kids. Lieing, deceiving and intentionally hurting - regardless of your "altruistic" reasoning for doing so - is still intentionally bringing hurt and pain to another and is premeditated wrong doing.


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## vince325 (Sep 8, 2010)

I respect your opinion, but keep in mind that when someone's life is turned upside down and totally shattered due to an infidelity, don't expect them to always be loving and understanding to the cheating spouse. You have a good point, but the reality is that I am a human being who is weak, I am not Jesus Christ. I am imperfect, just like every other human being walking this earth. I can only answer for my actions, and what I did, I am happy with and accept. You don't have to agree with it and I respect that. But lets be for real here. What you are saying, is that after finding out, I should have accepted the infidelity, embraced her with open arms and told her that everything is going to be fine, no harm done. 

Sorry, I must be a weak, lowlife, since I did my cheating spouse "so wrong" and didn't do what I was "supposed" to do.

Lets keep in mind who the true victims are when it comes to an infidelity. Yes both subjects are affected, but I never did ask for my wife to step across that line and jump into bed with another man. What she did was unacceptable and there is NO excuse for what she has done. NONE WHATSOEVER!!!! She should have just divorced me first, if she couldn't be faithful. I have always been committed and faithful to her, yet she made the worst decision of her life. It was unthoughtful, cruel, heartless, evil, deceitful, hateful (I could go on and on) when it comes to the faithful spouse.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Where did I excuse her behavior? I too suffered a cheating spouse - 3 years of 2 separate long term affairs, the last who she loved so much more than she ever had me, who was her soulmate, and who made her so happy. I know the hurt and the pain, and it still doesn't excuse revenge. I'm not beating you up, we all make mistakes. I'm just saying that it isn't right and people shouldn't be patting you on the back for it.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I don't think this was revenge. I think Vince was teaching her empathy;God knows how many times I've wondered if my husband is a sociopath. Some people need to be taught empathy and they don't get things when you say them nicely the first, second, or third time...so you do what you gotta do. Actions speak louder than words and sometimes that's what it takes to send the message. This wasn't eye for an eye, more like she threw a ROCK at his chest and he tossed a pebble near her ankle to show her it hurts.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Vince you made my day yesterday when I read your post. And I can understand HopeinHoustons point of view too. But there are some people who have to be shown what it means to inflict pain like that to someone else. I wish I could try this on my husband but I don't think it would have worked. He was already deep in affair land fog! I think Vince you probably also had your timing right on your show and tell action.

And good for you for being faithful, dedicated and loving husband and father. This world needs more men like you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

But he didnt cheat he just lied about cheating. This forced her hand in how much he was hurt. 
In my case I was a bad husband and told wife to get a boytoy if she needed attention.
If I tried what vince did, my wife would have patted me on the back.


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## GlowinWish (Sep 10, 2010)

wow... well to the original post of this thread... no do NOT cheat to get even. the sexual affair will never hurt your spouse the way an emotional AND sexual affair has now hurt you. to vince, smart guy... however if i had done that to my cheating partner, i am inclined to say he might've gone either way with it, and i don't know which... either he would've said we had no hope and accused me of lying when i came clean that I was making it up, or said that he got my point and empathized as your wife did.... i guess i'll never know.


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## nfbillsfan (Sep 29, 2010)

In my situation, I had an affair which my husband found out about....he also told me he had an affair then proceeded to tell me that he was just saying that to get a reaction out of me. Then, he went on to have an actual affair, which of course made things worse for both of us. Now, I'm not convinced that the story he told me wasn't true, there will always be that doubt. Words can be very powerful weapons, be careful how you use them.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> Where did I excuse her behavior? I too suffered a cheating spouse - 3 years of 2 separate long term affairs, the last who she loved so much more than she ever had me, who was her soulmate, and who made her so happy. I know the hurt and the pain, and it still doesn't excuse revenge. I'm not beating you up, we all make mistakes. I'm just saying that it isn't right and people shouldn't be patting you on the back for it.


This is me  "patting Vince" on the back for his actions he dealt his wife. Screw any person's feelings after they cheat on you, their feelings become irrelevant once they decide to go that route. HopeinHouston, what he did is way better than actually shagging this coworker in real life. In the end, he managed to deal with his situation, without sacrificing his own self worth in the process. 

To the OP, I don't know what i'd do if i was cheated on, i consider myself level headed, but when i think of all the tail being thrown my way, especially since i've been married, and i've happily turned them all down. Then to realilze that my wife then cheated, it would be very hard not to get "horizontal mattress dance" revenge. It depends if i thought my marriage was worth it or not. I have 3 kids, so i'd probably not cheat to get revenge and try to work it out. If i thought it was over anyway. I'd go for the juglar (figuratively) and bang all the chicks i could, even some friends of hers who i know that like me.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> This is me  "patting Vince" on the back for his actions he dealt his wife. Screw any person's feelings after they cheat on you, their feelings become irrelevant once they decide to go that route. HopeinHouston, what he did is way better than actually shagging this coworker in real life. In the end, he managed to deal with his situation, without sacrificing his own self worth in the process.
> 
> To the OP, I don't know what i'd do if i was cheated on, i consider myself level headed, but when i think of all the tail being thrown my way, especially since i've been married, and i've happily turned them all down. Then to realilze that my wife then cheated, it would be very hard not to get "horizontal mattress dance" revenge. It depends if i thought my marriage was worth it or not. I have 3 kids, so i'd probably not cheat to get revenge and try to work it out. If i thought it was over anyway. I'd go for the juglar (figuratively) and bang all the chicks i could, even some friends of hers who i know that like me.


here here I totally agree! His other option was to leave her worthless cheating butt. He did not want to destroy his marriage but wanted to convey how "kicked in the gutt" he felt when he found out about her. A little emotional pain every now and then can go a long way. I dont call it revenge, I call it a lesson in life. ~pats Vince on back~ that is for the ingenius way of handling your bad situation. You did something some of us could never do (calmly talk to her).


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

Its kind of funny. I'm going through the same non-sense that everyone else seems to be going through. Tonight I happened to talk about a girl I knew when my wife and I first dated. She got upset that I had never divulged that I found this other girl attractive, and that she sat on my lap once at a party.
This is 15 years ago, and before we were even married, yet this woman who has had one PA and one EA is upset about someone sitting on my lap.
They have truly lost touch with reality in the hurt they cause...


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

to be perfectly honest if i hadn't been pregnant when he cheated i would have cheated as well, but i have more respect for myself, and my child than that. and now, well now he's trying, and from what i can see is being faithful, so i feel as if i did it now i'd be the one majorly in the wrong...because i would be the one messing things up. now 8 months ago, had i not been pregnant, i wouldn't have felt bad, i believe in an eye for an eye...if it's ok for you, it's ok for me.


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

Um, Hope, you don't seem to get it. It wasn't revenge. You are missing the point.

He let her feel, for just a moment, what it was like to be cheated on. He broke through her fog and showed her exactly what she was doing. And it was effective. And smart too, quite frankly.

Cheaters are in a selfish fog that is all about them, them, them. Their feelings, their emotions, their pleasure. Getting them to truly see how damaging their actions are is almost impossible, while they are wrapped up in the excitement of the affair. Vince found a way to drive that point home without actually cheating.


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