# On the up...now to just be better.



## s1979j

Good morning guys. I am writing from a place I did not think I'd be at this point. To recap from my other numerous posts(which I posted not having anywhere else to go and unsure of myself as a man)

My wife and I have been married 5 year and have 2 kids. We have had issues in the past where I, to sum it up, was not a real man about things, and I often lied which hurt her. Reluctantly each time she came back. I have had confidence issues at time and its because I never learned to deal with the right things. In reading books I realized I am not correcting the right behaviours (or had not to this point) and that was the reason for my continued unhappiness.

Fast forward, my wife has lost a good amount of weight, gained a lot of confidence, and I have been just sitting here existing letting her go none the wiser. Fast forward, we have the longest month this past month as my wife tells me of feelings for a coworker. He is very flirty with everyone but seemed to hone in on my wife and she was receptive because I was not there. In my mind it was certain they were having an EA. So tough to deal with. I have learned a lot. Turning point of this all was at a Christmas party last week, she sees him making out with another woman who he was also playing. In any case, seeing that kind of snapped my wife out of it. She has been more receptive to us and feels better about us now that this is out. With my new found knowledge, I have never been more certain about my ability to change.

I still have lingering trust issues with her as of recent but i do feel it starting to make it back to "us" having a chance to keep things going. In this past month I have learned a ton about myself and now I am determined to be that guy i want to be (i.e. be the rock, be the alpa) but I have lost a lot of that in. I am working out more which is helping my confidence. But I know I need to be more social than I have been. I do not have very many friends and those that I do know live far away so its a lot more effort than I was willing to put in. Its almost I built my own room of solitude.

I do need help working on these jealous feelings though. My wife goes out more, which is fine because its with friends, but now she is hit on more than previous. I know she wont do anything, but it is hard not to think about especially since I kind feel I drove her to that EA to begin with. I know as I become more social, these feelings with subside.

Does this get easier? Are there any recommended books to help me gain this alpha behaviour?

Thanks again for everyone who had helped me with my problem on this site. It was not always easy to take in but I realize its truth because so many people have been there.


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## thatbpguy

First, sit down with your wife and fully confess your worries and concerns. Talk with her and not to her.

Second, ask her what she needs from you. Take steps to follow through and do so with her.

Third, see to it your wife gets 20 minutes of undivided attention from you every single evening. No exceptions. How was her day?....

Fourth, I suggest some counseling. For the two of you. Devote yourself to her and your marriage. Trust me, it'll pay dividends.


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## s1979j

Thanks, I think we are on the right path then. We have done much of what you have suggested already. I agree on the communication and I have read a few books that have pointed me in the right direction as far as correcting the right behaviors that I have created over my life. 

We know that changes are not going to happen over night (though in my mind, the sooner the better) and I guess I need to deal with the uncertainty.


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