# Growing Apart



## Table431 (Dec 2, 2012)

This is a little lengthy...

I have been married to my wife for 4 years. We both came from great families and had common goals in life. Things have gone downhill in the past year and now I'm looking for advice on whether this is worth trying to save.

To start, I am in the military and have spent on average 6 months of the year away from her. (which I'm sure plays a massive role). We had dated for years before I joined the service and I explained to her many times about how our lifestyle would be constrained to which she happily accepted. We decided my career would be the forefront and to have a child in the future. She was very loving and affectionate. 

Over the past year she has told me we have grown apart. She is working a part time graphic design job and feels that she will never be successful in her career if I am in the military or if we ever have kids. We are in the middle of moving to the other side of the country (I have already left, she hasn't) and she has decided to stay put for her job for a couple months which I reluctantly agreed to, but she will refuse to commit to a date to move by. She no longer wants children or much of a family life. Last time I was gone for a month I found her e-mailing provocative pictures to another man, not only the many she took of herself while I was gone, but some I took of he during college. I had requested a picture (as I was lonely in the desert), but never even got one of the dog. 

Intimacy in the marriage is almost non-existent. I don't even get a hug when she comes home from work. She avoids coming to bed at the same time I do. We have sex maybe once a week, and she never initiates any physical contact.

She has explained to me multiple times that her aspiration in life is now to move to a major city and live/work downtown in a design firm. This is a near impossibility with my career dictating our location. 

She says she loves me, but I believe it to be a platonic love. She is an educated career driven woman who believes she is a failure unless she has a "good career".

Although I support her emotionally and financially (as I make about 5 times as much money as her). I do not believe I can help her achieve happiness career wise, and I doubt I can change her outlook on life and what she says she really wants.

We are going to talk to a professional in a few weeks, but this is all I can think about. Is it worth trying to get her to change, or is there anyway I can change?

Thanks for reading this massive wall of text.


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

Table431 said:


> Last time I was gone for a month I found her e-mailing provocative pictures to another man, not only the many she took of herself while I was gone, but some I took of he during college. I had requested a picture (as I was lonely in the desert), but never even got one of the dog.


She's having an affair. You seem to gloss over this fact as just another one of many issues you are having when I think it is THE biggest issue you are having.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

It certainly seems like the two of you have both moved on emotionally and it doesn't seem that either of you have the willingness or energy to keep things together.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

It really sounds like she's made up her mind here, and is using the separation to ease her way into a divorce. If I were you, I'd look critically at myself and see how I could grow into a better person for my own sake. If she decides she does want to work on the marriage, you can decide what to do next. But the emailing pics to another man is a serious infidelity, so you guys have a lot on your plate.

Good luck with everything and take care of yourself.


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## jessy81 (Dec 2, 2012)

i think that she just lost interest in you & the whole marriage itself.......maybe she feels that she's bitten off more than she can chew.........sometimes that happens......also emailing pics to other men could mean that either she's already in an affair or really wants to.......to me, it means she doesn't want you anymore, but just so you've given it the final shot, go see a professional & see how things go..........also if indeed she is/wants to be in an affair, could you ever 4give her?

very important question.......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YOu really cannot expect to maintain a marriage if you are gone most of the time. Of course you have grown appart. 

She might have thought she was ok with it when she married you, but until she had to live through it she did not know what that really meant.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

t10eml said:


> She's having an affair. You seem to gloss over this fact as just another one of many issues you are having when I think it is THE biggest issue you are having.


Huge assumption here sir/madam, based on absolutely no facts whatsoever.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You are definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place. Having spent a day or two in the military, I have seen this many times. There is no way that a young girl could comprehend the separation anxiety and the constant shuffle of locations that happen in military life. It takes a special woman to be able to deal with that situation. She is no more career driven than you are; it’s just that these careers are taking you in different directions. Counseling may prove helpful, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up to high as you are physically separated, there is little bonding that would normally occur. Also the old “separation makes the heart grow fonder” does not apply as she has grown accustom to this situation already. Pray for the best, prepare for the worse, is all I have to recommend. Thank you for your dedicated service and Godspeed to you on your new assignment.


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