# Dealing with sexual boredom in long happy marriage



## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I have a question for couples who have been married or in strong long happy loving relationship. Do you feel your sex life has become a routine? I guess most do with years. How do you deal with it? What did you try, what boundaries do you push? How did you even discuss this? 

My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we married young in our early 20s, built life from zero, we are now in our mid-40s. We have great, passionate loving marriage. If there are soulmates, it is us. We hug, kiss each other many times a day, tell each other many love words, do many big and little things for each other.

We are compatible in almost everything, certainly in all core aspects of the life together. We never fight or argue and even very rarely have different opinions. We share every aspect of the life, spend most of the time outside work together, all out friends are our joint friends, we do not have any friend who is just hers or mine.

I find her very beautiful and very sexually attractive, often I get aroused just looking at her or touching her. She never turns me down for sex, but she never initiates sex herself. Our sex life has become a routine and it has been a routine for many many years. It is the same routine that involves the same mutual oral sex, almost always the same set of positions. We do orgasm including her but this routine has been killing my sexual desire. After sex we go to the bathroom because she needs to have a pee to avoid UTI, we kiss, thank each other for what just happened and then continue with our day. I am type of person who cannot have sex mechanically or routinely. I need some type of sexual novelty, some excitement to get aroused or even get an erection. Even if this is just in my head. Sometimes I don't even want to start initiating as I think of this routine and this kills my mood.

I don't know how to break this. The sex is probably the only area where we did not manage to figure out how to communicate what we want and specifically what bothers each of us. I asked her many times if she likes what we do and what I do to her in bed and she always says she is happy with everything and she does not have anything to add. Honestly, I find it hard to believe. We are rather sexual people and value sex as part of healthy marriage so the same routine over years should bother anyone and would make anyone want to try something new. 

She knows I admire her in sexy lingerie or high heels but she never puts them on for me herself. She does put them on if I ask her but I do not feel it is right to ask her to do this. I would be way more excited if she surprised me herself.

I don't know how to communicate this to her. We both are very sensitive people, especially her. When in very rare moments we have some negative to say, we very carefully word this not to hurt each other feelings. I am afraid of hurting her by expressing dissatisfaction or sharing some of my fantasies she may find crazy or extreme. Even worse, she may try to do them just to satisfy me while hating them. Just a thought of hurting her or doing something she hates or does not like suffocates me. I also worried that this may make things worse. She may start thinking this is due to her, she will start doubting herself, it will hurt her self-esteem.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have a question for couples who have been married or in strong long happy loving relationship. Do you feel your sex life has become a routine? I guess most do with years. How do you deal with it? What did you try, what boundaries do you push? How did you even discuss this?
> 
> My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we married young in our early 20s, built life from zero, we are now in our mid-40s. We have great, passionate loving marriage. If there are soulmates, it is us. We hug, kiss each other many times a day, tell each other many love words, do many big and little things for each other.
> 
> ...


That’s a tough one. It’s not the frequency of sex it is boredom of it? Other than her wearing lingerie what would you like? Can you introduce it during sex?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I don't know how to communicate this to her. We both are very sensitive people, especially her. When in very rare moments we have some negative to say, we very carefully word this not to hurt each other feelings. I am afraid of hurting her by expressing dissatisfaction or sharing some of my fantasies she may find crazy or extreme. Even worse, she may try to do them just to satisfy me while hating them. Just a thought of hurting her or doing something she hates or does not like suffocates me. I also worried that this may make things worse. She may start thinking this is due to her, she will start doubting herself, it will hurt her self-esteem.


You paint a picture perfect marriage until you get to this paragraph (copied above). After 20+ years of a peaceful marriage with your soulmate I find it rather odd that neither of you feels comfortable voicing your concern to the other, and I am starting to guess that your marriage has been peaceful because each of you would rather keep the peace than voice any desire or concern. I might very well be wrong, and I hope I am. I just consider arguments, when they are managed in a healthy way, bring couples closer because they learn something new about themselves and about each other after a healthy argument. 
I think you can bring up this to your wife without making it sound like a negative thing or criticism. Always start with "I feel" for example, "I would be really happy and desired if you initiate sex" rather than "why don't you initiate sex?" or "I really like it when you surprise me with your lingerie on" and bring the issue in a positive way by helping her to picture the alternative that you have been imagining or desiring. 
Also, use "we" more often when you want to discuss sex with her. For example, "we should be trying something new, don't you think so?" or make yourself vulnerable and confess that you have been thinking about new things to try in bed but you are reticent because you're afraid this would make her uncomfortable. 
These are just suggestions and you know your wife better than anyone here. Good luck!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Is this another “oh poor me, my wife never initiates but is willing, able and never says no” threads? Queue the violin... let’s all have a good cry 😭 😭 😭.

Seriously brother... just go bust a move and try something crazy and see if she enjoys it.

Of course though, there has to be some God given boundaries to everything... hope you’re not trying something disgusting like adding a person or porn or some other unnatural kink. If that’s the case maybe we should queue the violin and cry... as you destroy your marriage.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> That’s a tough one. It’s not the frequency of sex it is boredom of it? Other than her wearing lingerie what would you like? Can you introduce it during sex?


Yeas, it is not frequency. I can get sex almost any time I want. But as I say I do not want or enjoy sex for the sake of sex. I want both of us be excited about it.

I really want is for her to be excited about something. I would really do anything for her if I knew she crave this or be excited about it. I would never do or even suggest something if I fear she would not really like it. The problem is she loves me very much and she would do almost anything to please me, but she may not really like what I want. she never opened to me what she really likes in sex, possibly she likes what we have and really does not want to change anything. And I from my side I did not find way or even courage to express or explain what I would like to try or even how to bring it up.

She is open to many things but does not express a lot of excitement about them. She read me erotic stores if I gave them to her, she in past few times watched porn with me (which I really enjoyed). She even once went with me to a private photographer to do an explicit erotic photoshoot for me which was the most amazing event in my entire life. I liked all of this a lot but the fact I had to ask for them and seeing her not be over excited about doing them dampens the otherwise fantastic unforgettable experience.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Yeas, it is not frequency. I can get sex almost any time I want. But as I say I do not want or enjoy sex for the sake of sex. I want both of us be excited about it.
> 
> I really want is for her to be excited about something. I would really do anything for her if I knew she crave this or be excited about it. I would never do or even suggest something if I fear she would not really like it. The problem is she loves me very much and she would do almost anything to please me, but she may not really like what I want. she never opened to me what she really likes in sex, possibly she likes what we have and really does not want to change anything. And I from my side I did not find way or even courage to express or explain what I would like to try or even how to bring it up.
> 
> She is open to many things but does not express a lot of excitement about them. She read me erotic stores if I gave them to her, she in past few times watched porn with me (which I really enjoyed). She even once went with me to a private photographer to do an explicit erotic photoshoot for me which was the most amazing event in my entire life. I liked all of this a lot but the fact I had to ask for them and seeing her not be over excited about doing them dampens the otherwise fantastic unforgettable experience.


I’m not going to lie..there are many people here that can’t even get their wives to agree to sex. Sounds like you are a well loved man with a great wife. Many, many women don’t initiate. It’s not unusual. Have you considered she might be bored as well and does not want to tell you?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

coquille said:


> You paint a picture perfect marriage until you get to this paragraph (copied above). After 20+ years of a peaceful marriage with your soulmate I find it rather odd that neither of you feels comfortable voicing your concern to the other, and I am starting to guess that your marriage has been peaceful because each of you would rather keep the peace than voice any desire or concern. I might very well be wrong, and I hope I am. I just consider arguments, when they are managed in a healthy way, bring couples closer because they learn something new about themselves and about each other after a healthy argument.
> I think you can bring up this to your wife without making it sound like a negative thing or criticism. Always start with "I feel" for example, "I would be really happy and desired if you initiate sex" rather than "why don't you initiate sex?" or "I really like it when you surprise me with your lingerie on" and bring the issue in a positive way by helping her to picture the alternative that you have been imagining or desiring.
> Also, use "we" more often when you want to discuss sex with her. For example, "we should be trying something new, don't you think so?" or make yourself vulnerable and confess that you have been thinking about new things to try in bed but you are reticent because you're afraid this would make her uncomfortable.
> These are just suggestions and you know your wife better than anyone here. Good luck!


I know and read that a "healthy" marriage requires its share of "fare" fighting. I never understood this. We had our fare share of hardship and problems in our life together but we never fought or argued. Does not mean we did not have different opinions but we always find way to discuss them in civil polite manner without resorting to fight or any sort of escalations. So, yes, we always kept peace in our marriage but not because we did not fight but because we loved each other and find way to discuss differences and put each other's feelings above our own.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

there are some video cd you can get on the net sex ed ones that might be interesting , you could look up google , I will not be the one that tells you to take up wife sharing or going to some of these parties where they place the car keys in a bole as I have one expenance of this ,


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I know and read that a "healthy" marriage requires its share of "fare" fighting. I never understood this. We had our fare share of hardship and problems in our life together but we never fought or argued. Does not mean we did not have different opinions but we always find way to discuss them in civil polite manner without resorting to fight or any sort of escalations. So, yes, we always kept peace in our marriage but not because we did not fight but because we loved each other and find way to discuss differences and put each other's feelings above our own.


That sounds like arguments handled in a healthy manner. I got the idea from your first post that you never had an argument. To me an argument is not a fight. It takes the shape of a discussion if it's handled like you mentioned you do.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m not going to lie..there are many people here that can’t even get their wives to agree to sex. Sounds like you are a well loved man with a great wife. Many, many women don’t initiate. It’s not unusual. Have you considered she might be bored as well and does not want to tell you?


She might be bored as well and she may want to try something new. I wish I knew what she wants I told her many times I would do anything she wants. However she never said what it is and if there is really something she wants to try or change. 

She never asked me though if I like our sex life and if there is something that I want.

I think we both may suffer from the same syndrome:

1. Don't know how to communicate our sexual desires and fantasies without fear of hurting each other.

2. Fear to bring up something other person may consider weird, crazy and this will kill even more our desire to share any fantasies or be openly sexual with each other.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Of course she might disagree with you on some fantasies or new approaches in the bedroom. 

Some she will, some she won't. She'll like some ideas, don't worry.

That's why it's called discussion.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She might be bored as well and she may want to try something new. I wish I knew what she wants I told her many times I would do anything she wants. However she never said what it is and if there is really something she wants to try or change.
> 
> She never asked me though if I like our sex life and if there is something that I want.
> 
> ...


Don't be afraid to bring things up. That itself, the fear, and tension, will then become the problem. 

Head on! That's the way to go. She'll appreciate the directness.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Yeas, it is not frequency. I can get sex almost any time I want. But as I say I do not want or enjoy sex for the sake of sex. I want both of us be excited about it.
> 
> I really want is for her to be excited about something. I would really do anything for her if I knew she crave this or be excited about it. I would never do or even suggest something if I fear she would not really like it. The problem is she loves me very much and she would do almost anything to please me, but she may not really like what I want. she never opened to me what she really likes in sex, possibly she likes what we have and really does not want to change anything. And I from my side I did not find way or even courage to express or explain what I would like to try or even how to bring it up.
> 
> She is open to many things but does not express a lot of excitement about them. She read me erotic stores if I gave them to her, she in past few times watched porn with me (which I really enjoyed). She even once went with me to a private photographer to do an explicit erotic photoshoot for me which was the most amazing event in my entire life. I liked all of this a lot but the fact I had to ask for them and seeing her not be over excited about doing them dampens the otherwise fantastic unforgettable experience.


Ok, so you watching porn is almost certainly why you are feeling dissatisfed with your sex life. Stop the porn, think of her as your wife and stop wanting her to do what you see the porn actresses doing. They are acting. They are not like that in real life, in fact many porn stars hate sex.
If you have such a good marriage why do you act so disrespectfully towards her by doing this?
It's the reason why I would never read romance novels because I don't want a single thing in my life to cause me to be discontent with my husband.
Just start putting her first, stop the porn and start loving her and respecting her as the ONLY woman in your life instead of bringing hundreds of others into the marriage. Who knows this may change the way she sees you, she may respect you more. 
You have so much, so many blessings, but you are allowing the 5% you THINK you don't have to make you complain and be discontent about the 95% you already have. So sad.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Don't be afraid to bring things up. That itself, the fear, and tension, will then become the problem.
> 
> Head on! That's the way to go. She'll appreciate the directness.


I know this is probably true but I don't know if and how I will be able to handle the rejection if she finds what I want is outside her boundaries. 

I wonder and this is how I started my original post what other couples who are in stable loving relationship do? What kind of sex fantasies they pursue, how they discuss them.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Just remember, of course she may agree with all your choices, the key is to NOT take any disagreeing as a rejection because it isn't. 

So don't be skeered of so called rejection. Because a no on something really isn't a rejection old buddy. That's in your own mind.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She might be bored as well and she may want to try something new. I wish I knew what she wants I told her many times I would do anything she wants. However she never said what it is and if there is really something she wants to try or change.
> 
> She never asked me though if I like our sex life and if there is something that I want.
> 
> ...


bottle of wine can help , we used to talk about our fantasies in bed still do the odd time , the grate thing about fantasies is they can stay just that and never do them for real , my wife has one that she would never try for real , first you say you want to change or try new things what do you want to try ? you might be better starting by airing what you think is so bad that your wife might think you were strange


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Ok, so you watching porn is almost certainly why you are feeling dissatisfed with your sex life. Stop the porn, think of her as your wife and stop wanting her the do what you see the porn stars doing. They are acting. They are not like that in real life, in fact many porn stars hate sex.
> If you have such a good marriage why do you act so disrespectfully towards her by doing this?
> It's the reason why I would never read romance novels because I don't want a single thing in my life to cause me to be disconnect with my husband.
> Just start putting her first, stop the porn and start loving her and respecting her as the ONLY woman in your life instead of bringing hundreds of others into the marriage.


where did you find in my post that watching port feels me dissatisfied or even if I watch it a lot? No porn star is as beautiful and as sexy as my wife and if you offer me thousands of them I would not exchange it for one night with my wife.

Why do you find watching port together or even man occasionally watching port is a sign of a bad marriage? Excessive watching port is obviously an addiction problem so both excessive alcohol consumption or even excessive exercising.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She might be bored as well and she may want to try something new. I wish I knew what she wants I told her many times I would do anything she wants. However she never said what it is and if there is really something she wants to try or change.
> 
> She never asked me though if I like our sex life and if there is something that I want.
> 
> ...


Do you think consulting with a sex therapist would help you both better communicate your sexual desires and fantasies?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

coquille said:


> Do you think consulting with a sex therapist would help you both better communicate your sexual desires and fantasies?


Imho don't bring up a sex counselor. Then she'll really get scared!.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you have had different opinions on other things in the past why or what is it you think is so bad that your afraid to risk having a different opinions on your sex life , if you so good together you should be able air it between you 2 before you go down the therapist road ( and I have nothing against that , ) what ever you are into you will find others on the net that can help you depending on what it is your into or want to try ,


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

“Passionate” marriage but lovemaking is boring and you never argue passionately either. Hmmm..

When I go to my wife and try these discussions- it gets turned around on me. She’ll say “if you want X, just come and get me”. Point is, “discussion” is kind of pointless. If she likes it, you’ll know pretty quickly and she’s more likely to lie or be shy in said “discussion”.

Hope you’re not talking porn, threesome, or some other abomination though.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have a question for couples who have been married or in strong long happy loving relationship. Do you feel your sex life has become a routine? I guess most do with years. How do you deal with it? What did you try, what boundaries do you push? How did you even discuss this?
> 
> My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we married young in our early 20s, built life from zero, we are now in our mid-40s. We have great, passionate loving marriage. If there are soulmates, it is us. We hug, kiss each other many times a day, tell each other many love words, do many big and little things for each other.
> 
> ...


Your marriage is quite similar to mine. We've been married 30+ years, got married when we were 18 & 21. Started from near nothing. Really couldn't be happier all these years later, but I've felt similar to you about our sex life at times. Where we differ is the communication. It was really, really hard for me at first, but I got over the fear. My wife was very much in the camp that sex just always should happen spontaneously and there really shouldn't be a need to talk about it. So the first couple times I tried to strike up that conversation we didn't get anywhere. I kept trying. I found that coming in aggressive like a sledgehammer wouldn't work. I had to take it slow and in small steps. Which is fine. We've been together 34 years and I expect to be with her the rest of my life, so no rush.

As far as ideas, there is this pretty cool Couples Sex Quiz out there. It asks about sexual interests, from common things like talking dirty to some stuff most people would likely call pretty twisted. You answer everything with a No/We already do that, I'm in if she is, and Yes. The great thing about it is you take the test separately. You don't look over each other's shoulder as you take it. The result only shows activities where your interests intersect. So if you say yes and she says no it won't even be on the list. Full disclosure, it is hosted by a porn site, but no porn is in view while taking the test. That said it has been covered by mainstream press. You can read about it in this Men's Health article and it contains a link to the test.









YouPorn Is Helping Couples Discover Their Shared Kinks


Maybe you both want to try bondage, but don't know it yet.




www.menshealth.com





There is another site that I've found very useful. I mention it so often I sometimes feel like I'm advertising for them, but really I just found them to be a very good resource. It is a Christian based site, but they don't go too far in that direction. I'm not a religious person, but I still appreciate where they are coming from. Surprisingly the tone is they are open to pretty much anything sexual between a husband and wife, so long as it is a monogamous activity. I am 110% committed to monogamy, so I am just fine with that. And if that is the case with you, the site is great because it never makes suggestions that take you out of that comfort zone. Here are some useful articles.









SWM041 - How do you stay interested long term? - Uncovering Intimacy


Are there things you have to do to keep interest in your spouse? Here are 7 tips to help you stay interested and renew attraction in your spouse.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












A day of sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Looking for something fun to try in your marriage? How about a day of sex? It's easier to manage than you think if you do it the way we did.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Why it's important to talk about sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Many couples don't about sex, and we know why. It's embarrassing, awkward and uncomfortable. But it's still important. Here's why.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












When Is The Best Time To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse? - Uncovering Intimacy


Is sex difficult to talk about in your marriage? Wondering when the best time to talk about sex with your spouse is? Here's a simple tip to help start.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com





They have some very inexpensive product that are designed to help with sex and intimacy.









37 Sex Questions for spouses to ask each other - Uncovering Intimacy


Looking for a way to boost your physical intimacy in marriage? Here is a two page pdf with 37 sex questions for spouses to ask each other.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Truth or Dare - Uncovering Intimacy


The game Truth or Dare just inspires vision of naughtiness and fun, doesn't it? It's that risk of vulnerability, mixed with the potential for pleasure that's so enticing. But, you're married, so the pleasure doesn't just have to be "potential", and the vulnerability isn't so risky, is it...




www.uncoveringintimacy.com






Given the fact that your wife is still interested in sex and the frequency isn't an issue I am confident you can work through it. I believe you have to find a way to talk about sex and be courageous about trying new things. We try to find new things often, but we don't go crazy about it either. The next night we have an evening alone we are planning on trying a blind fold and various touch sensations. We've been teasingly texting each other about it to build tension. I think that tension is an incredibly useful tool. With enough tension built before hand even what you might call plain vanilla sex could turn into something phenomenal.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> When I go to my wife and try these discussions- it gets turned around on me. She’ll say “if you want X, just come and get me”. Point is, “discussion” is kind of pointless. If she likes it, you’ll know pretty quickly and she’s more likely to lie or be shy in said “discussion”.


 very good point but I DO FIND IT IS BETTER TO TALK THAN TO SPRING SOMETHING on her , we grow up knowing nothing about sex had to do a weekend course thing before we got married and the sex talk was a man and a woman showing us photos of human reproductive parts , and that was about it , and don't forget the one class in school that was given by a priest , so when Bill Clinton got a blow job in the oval office we had to look that up as we never know such thing went on , we have to teach yourself everything and it is not our style to ask friends


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> where did you find in my post that watching port feels me dissatisfied or even if I watch it a lot? No porn star is as beautiful and as sexy as my wife and if you offer me thousands of them I would not exchange it for one night with my wife.
> 
> Why do you find watching port together or even man occasionally watching port is a sign of a bad marriage? Excessive watching port is obviously an addiction problem so both excessive alcohol consumption or even excessive exercising.


You said you watch porn and that does so much to bring dissatisfaction into a normal sex life in a real life marriage. You see things there that you want her to do. You get dissatisfed that she isn't all over you like the women you see in porn. It's clear as day. It's making you think your sex life is lacking. Just very sad.
My challenge to you is to stop the porn for 6 months( if you can and aren't addicted) and see the difference in how you view your wife and sex life.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You said you watch porn and that does so much to bring dissatisfaction into a normal sex life in a real life marriage. You see things there that you want her to do. You get dissatisfed that she isn't all over you like the women you see in porn. It's clear as day. It's making you think your sex life is lacking. Just very sad.


I disagree with your view on porn. How do you know what kind of porn I like or watch? My favorite kind of porn is "porn for women". I do no watch and really do not like any porn that degrade women in any shape or form.

I never compare my wife to any porn. I never fantasize of any porn stars. I believe porn in moderate quantity is an adult entertainment. It can also be a place to discover something new in sex. Personally, I would consider a man who never watches porn and has no interesting in porn at all, there is something wrong with him.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your marriage is quite similar to mine. We've been married 30+ years, got married when we were 18 & 21. Started from near nothing. Really couldn't be happier all these years later, but I've felt similar to you about our sex life at times. Where we differ is the communication. It was really, really hard for me at first, but I got over the fear. My wife was very much in the camp that sex just always should happen spontaneously and there really shouldn't be a need to talk about it. So the first couple times I tried to strike up that conversation we didn't get anywhere. I kept trying. I found that coming in aggressive like a sledgehammer wouldn't work. I had to take it slow and in small steps. Which is fine. We've been together 34 years and I expect to be with her the rest of my life, so no rush.
> 
> As far as ideas, there is this pretty cool Couples Sex Quiz out there. It asks about sexual interests, from common things like talking dirty to some stuff most people would likely call pretty twisted. You answer everything with a No/We already do that, I'm in if she is, and Yes. The great thing about it is you take the test separately. You don't look over each other's shoulder as you take it. The result only shows activities where your interests intersect. So if you say yes and she says no it won't even be on the list. Full disclosure, it is hosted by a porn site, but no porn is in view while taking the test. That said it has been covered by mainstream press. You can read about it in this Men's Health article and it contains a link to the test.
> 
> ...


Thank you. this is all useful. I will look through all your links.

Yes, we both are sexual people, we do value and enjoy sex and consider it crucial part of our life and our love for each other. We are also not conservative sexually which is basis for exploring things more.

I just need to figure out how to overcome this anxiety and fear of opening up to her about my fantasies or desires and make her open to me about her fantasies and desires.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Romantic_dreamer;

I think that Big Daddy NY and others have given you some good suggestions. The Sex Therapist who help my wife and I rebuild our marriage had some good suggestions. The first was a Yes/No/Maybe quiz that we each took separately. You can Google one and then modify it as needed or desired. The point is you honestly express your own interests and limits in private. Then you share with each other and discuss your responses for the purpose of learning about your partner, not for arguing with them to do things they don't want to do .

Another thought was that sex should be playful and exploratory. It should be like kindergarten recess, where you look forward to getting to play with your best friend. Another was to find out what the most erotic experiences were for each of you, even if they weren't with each other. Then after you know them and have discussed them, create a play date where the two of you will try to recreate them. The ST stated that this was a way for you to own the best and most erotic experiences of your partner's life.

Finally, my wife and I got married when we were both 21. This year we will have been married 50 years. We came very close to divorcing just about the time my wife turned 60 as she refused to have sex with me. Changing how we treated each other and working with a sex therapist helped save our marriage.

My wife is LD and has huge self image issues that interfere with her wanting to try many new things. Still even with her not wanting to swing from the ceiling or do wild things, sex and intimacy can be special and emotionally bonding. You need to look at your glass as half full.

Good luck.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

At almost 50 I've been with my wife for 25 years (married 22 years), and we have enjoyed sharing a splendidly evolving sex life through all of those years. To the point that we are exploring (candle) wax play at the moment. Having a few months earlier stated going to nudist beaches. Then before that sharing sex outdoors if we are alone, then it was golden showers, on and on etc.

From experience the only reason we share such things and a kaleidoscope of other things. Is because I bring it up and my wife then considers my ideas, then rejects them or gives it a go. Then if it works fo us both, it becomes another part of the menu we share.

Th thing is I afford my wife, the dignity of treating her like an adult. So I trust her to consider my suggestions, and I trust her to decide for herself what she is willing to do. While not presuming outcomes, since she will still surprise me with what she consents to share.

So if you want a shot at whatever you desire, I encourage you to speak up for you and your wife's sake.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I disagree with your view on porn. How do you know what kind of porn I like or watch? My favorite kind of porn is "porn for women". I do no watch and really do not like any porn that degrade women in any shape or form.
> 
> I never compare my wife to any porn. I never fantasize of any porn stars. I believe porn in moderate quantity is an adult entertainment. It can also be a place to discover something new in sex. Personally, I would consider a man who never watches porn and has no interesting in porn at all, there is something wrong with him.


I think you put to much emphasis on your sex life. I also think you using porn is causing part of your problems. It doesn’t matter what type of porn you watch, it still influences your thoughts.

You saying there is a problem with any guy that doesn’t watch porn speaks volumes. Does that include women as well?

Until your willing to face any and all possibilities, no one is going to be able to help you.

Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I disagree with your view on porn. How do you know what kind of porn I like or watch? My favorite kind of porn is "porn for women". I do no watch and really do not like any porn that degrade women in any shape or form.
> 
> I never compare my wife to any porn. I never fantasize of any porn stars. I believe porn in moderate quantity is an adult entertainment. It can also be a place to discover something new in sex. Personally, I would consider a man who never watches porn and has no interesting in porn at all, there is something wrong with him.


All porn degrades people, both those in it and those who watch it.
It's not about interest, we all have temptations, it's about people being faithful to their partners mentally and not bringing others into their marriage. Loads of people don't watch porn, they under stand the damage it does. 40% of divorces now cite porn as the reason given. I myself know 2 marriages that ended due to porn use.
Believe me there is nothing whatsoever wrong with a man who doesn't watch porn, that's such a weird and derogatory thing to say, but I appreciate that porn users say things like that to try and make themselves feel better. The people who stay away from porn understand the damage it does and love and respect their spouse far too much to act that way. 
There is no way in the world that I would treat my husband that way. My focus is him alone.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

sounds to me that you want us to tell you it is ok to talk your wife into something like swinging wife swapping or a 3some


romantic_dreamer said:


> Thank you. this is all useful. I will look through all your links.
> 
> Yes, we both are sexual people, we do value and enjoy sex and consider it crucial part of our life and our love for each other. We are also not conservative sexually which is basis for exploring things more.
> 
> I just need to figure out how to overcome this anxiety and fear of opening up to her about my fantasies or desires and make her open to me about her fantasies and desires.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

@romantic_dreamer what sexual topics or specific things do you want to ask her that is making you kind of irrationally anxious?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

your running around the pot and can't come out with what it is you want , and your not even using your name and you know no one here , so what hope you of ever talking about it to your wife , who cares if someone here thinks your strange who cares if others make fun of you the best thing about this place is there are some relay good people here to give you help if you let them beating around the bush is not helping , and another thing you have to remember about the internet , just because some people tell stories about the hot sex life they and their wife are having many that do this don't even have a wife , no all stories are true , we all have times that we could not bring our self to even have sex never mind what you call boring sex some times a quickly is all we want and the odd time we feel like the sex we just had was the best ever


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> @romantic_dreamer what sexual topics or specific things do you want to ask her that is making you kind of irrationally anxious?


First, I am not and we are not into threesome, swinging or anything that involves bringing another person into our sex life. I also personally hate anything that degrades women even if faked or playful so no BDSM, violence, anything invoking pain or rape or force against her will.

Since this seems a forum when explicit things are discussed and posted may be I can be a bit more open and explicit:

I would like to have her masturbate or just play with herself for me while I watch or do mutual masturbation together
69
Give me a BJ in car when driving or parked somewhere
It would be fantastic if we go out and she would would whisper to me: "Do you know I am not wearing any panties, just for you and only you know about this".
Go to some nude beach or resort

But most important I want her to be excited about anything we try or do sexually. I do not want to do anything, does not matter how much exciting it is to me if she does not find this exciting to her, not to say if she does not like this.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Also I always tell her instead of giving me any material gift for birthday, marriage anniversary, etc, give me something special in bed. Buy some lingerer, stockings, etc. and show them to me, do a striptease for me. This would be the best gift for me.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the only thing i would be against is the driving bit , and if you got cought doing that I would expect the judge stop you ever driving , the wife saying she has no panties on I could ask my wife for that one and will never get it , the woman you have as a wife is just like my wife , we can't change what is built into them , but i can joke to my wife about her not having and panties on but it is just joking you can try talk to her that way if you like that way it is not as hard and fast need , what you want is not a big deal and you should be able talk to her about it


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> First, I am not and we are not into threesome, swinging or anything that involves bringing another person into our sex life. I also personally hate anything that degrades women even if faked or playful so no BDSM, violence, anything invoking pain or rape or force against her will.
> 
> Since this seems a forum when explicit things are discussed and posted may be I can be a bit more open and explicit:
> 
> ...





romantic_dreamer said:


> Also I always tell her instead of giving me any material gift for birthday, marriage anniversary, etc, give me something special in bed. Buy some lingerer, stockings, etc. and show them to me, do a striptease for me. This would be the best gift for me.


 i have found my internet brother and he is married to my wife's twin that she does not know she has


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> First, I am not and we are not into threesome, swinging or anything that involves bringing another person into our sex life. I also personally hate anything that degrades women even if faked or playful so no BDSM, violence, anything invoking pain or rape or force against her will.
> 
> Since this seems a forum when explicit things are discussed and posted may be I can be a bit more open and explicit:
> 
> ...


Nothing you've mentioned is at all really truly atypical. 

Best way to proceed is to talk fearlessly with her.

She'll be more comfortable if you are. After all you talk all the time.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I think we both may suffer from the same syndrome:
> 
> 1. Don't know how to communicate our sexual desires and fantasies without fear of hurting each other.
> 
> 2. Fear to bring up something other person may consider weird, crazy and this will kill even more our desire to share any fantasies or be openly sexual with each other.


First, what fantasy that YOU have would hurt your wife? Are you talking about adding another person, etc.? YES that could certainly hurt her. If it's something like that, then you can role-play -- and just explain that to her.
I don't see how you saying "Honey, I want to.... with you" would hurt her.

You should know your wife by now. If you wanted to tie her up and tickle her with a feather -- would she be weirded out? Would that make her so uncomfortable (whatever fantasy you wanted to discuss) that she it would kill her desire to be with you?

If you have mild fantasies as well as "out there" stuff, start with a mild one and see her reaction. Then TRY it. If she likes, all good, you've added to the arsenal of stuff you can do. If she doesn't, then let it go and move on to the next one. 
The fact that you are so close on everything is great -- it should make exploring sex with her even better!
WHILE you are having sex, just do "Hey honey, I wanted to try this...." and then go for it. See what her reaction is (I mean don't pull out a paddle and start beating her with it!!, but other things -- just try them and see how she does -- YOU need to be creative here).

As for the "same routine" -- WHY? If YOU are the initiator, can't YOU lead and switch things up? If you start with her doing oral for you, then you doing oral, then missionary, then.....
YOU change it up. Grab her and tell her I can't wait to taste you -- then dive in and have a good old time. You don't have to hit each of those stops on the routine train every time you mess around....


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I am waiting for the women here to come on and say they love going to a restaurant and slipping off their panties but that is more what we see in a film , and don't forget all the women that say they never put one on but i think many of them women are men been keybord women


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

For the lingerie, why don't you pick out something she has, put it on the bed, and put a note "I'd LOVE to see you cook me dinner in this tonight, and then I will make sure you get a great dessert"? (I don't know if you have kids running around, so.....)



romantic_dreamer said:


> Since this seems a forum when explicit things are discussed and posted may be I can be a bit more open and explicit:
> 
> I would like to have her masturbate or just play with herself for me while I watch or do mutual masturbation together


When you start fooling around, grab HER hand and both of you finger her together. Then take your hand away and tell her how much you LOVE seeing her do that. This one I think can be done interactively and doesn't need discussion before hand.


> 69


Grab her body, and move her on top of you - again, DO not discuss.... Talk WHILE you are doing this...


> Give me a BJ in car when driving or parked somewhere


Driving, yeah kinda dangerous. Parked? Sure. Have you ever taken her out, just go to a private place and made out/had sex with her? YOU do that. Just take her for a ride, and go to where you want. Then tell her you want to make love to her, and start kissing...


> It would be fantastic if we go out and she would would whisper to me: "Do you know I am not wearing any panties, just for you and only you know about this".


So for THIS, you may have to realize your W isn't like that. She MAY be -- and yes this one you can talk to her about.
Tell her you'd like to see her as crazy for YOU as she makes you. This would be a way for her to show that. BUT again, she may not be comfortable initiating like this, and may in fact feel it's the mans job to drive sex -- many women do feel like this.


> Go to some nude beach or resort


THIS one would require a bunch of discussion, but you may have to forgo this one also.

I don't see how ANY of these could "hurt" her if you started talking about it. YOU and your wife own your marriage -- YOU are the only one stopping you from talking about it.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> the only thing i would be against is the driving bit , and if you got cought doing that I would expect the judge stop you ever driving , the wife saying she has no panties on I could ask my wife for that one and will never get it , the woman you have as a wife is just like my wife , we can't change what is built into them , but i can joke to my wife about her not having and panties on but it is just joking you can try talk to her that way if you like that way it is not as hard and fast need , what you want is not a big deal and you should be able talk to her about it


I really cannot ask her not to wear panties or few other things. This would be weird and will kill the whole excitement. This needs to come from her. Asking her these things would be like her asking me to bring her flowers or gift her jewelry. I bring her flowers, gift her jewelry, bring her breakfast into bed and many other things not because she asks me but because I want to do them to her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I really cannot ask her not to wear panties or few other things. This would be weird and will kill the whole excitement. This needs to come from her. Asking her these things would be like her asking me to bring her flowers or gift her jewelry. I bring her flowers, gift her jewelry, bring her breakfast into bed and many other things not because she asks me but because I want to do them to her.


It sounds as if you are wanting her to be the same as you. She is her own person and may just be more content and laid back than you. You will never make her change who she is.
You say you want her to tell you her sexual fantasies, maybe just maybe she likes what you do? She is happy with your sex life? 
As I said, you are assuming that what you want and feel is the same as what she does. It's not. 
That's why you will have to ask her, but please stop the porn. It really will help you change the way you see things.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Driving, yeah kinda dangerous. Parked? Sure. Have you ever taken her out, just go to a private place and made out/had sex with her? YOU do that. Just take her for a ride, and go to where you want. Then tell her you want to make love to her, and start kissing...


 we tried that once and stopped in a wood on lights on and got into the back seat we were married 10 years at the time and who comes on only the police with their lamp shining in the windows


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I know this is probably true but I don't know if and how I will be able to handle the rejection if she finds what I want is outside her boundaries.


This walking on sexual eggshells and fear of rejection is not going to bring out the level of eroticism that you are hungering for. You're going to have to take the bull by the horns and lead by example. Yes, there may be times where she says, "Oh no sir... I'm not doing that"... and THAT'S OKAY. Not a big deal. You're a big boy. You can take it. It's not the end of the world.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Also I always tell her instead of giving me any material gift for birthday, marriage anniversary, etc, give me something special in bed. Buy some lingerer, stockings, etc. and show them to me, do a striptease for me. This would be the best gift for me.


So what does she say to that?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> For the lingerie, why don't you pick out something she has, put it on the bed, and put a note "I'd LOVE to see you cook me dinner in this tonight, and then I will make sure you get a great dessert"? (I don't know if you have kids running around, so.....)


As I said If I ask her to put lingerer or high heels (she has a lot of both), she will do it, but I am not sure she is excited doing so. I asked many times in past and she did it. I really do not want to ask, i want her to do this herself, she know how much excitement it brings to me. I told her many times. 



jlg07 said:


> As for the "same routine" -- WHY? If YOU are the initiator, can't YOU lead and switch things up? If you start with her doing oral for you, then you doing oral, then missionary, then.....
> YOU change it up. Grab her and tell her I can't wait to taste you -- then dive in and have a good old time. You don't have to hit each of those stops on the routine train every time you mess around....


I am not sure I know the answer myself. Yes, I am "in control" and can initiate something new. But I am not sure she will like it even if she does go with it to just satisfy me. I may try f*cking her between her beautiful breasts but if I do and I cum on them and she would be disgusted it may kill my (and maybe hers) sexual desire for a very long time. And ask her explicitly if I can do this and if she would like this I just can't get this out of my mouth.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I really cannot ask her not to wear panties or few other things. This would be weird and will kill the whole excitement. This needs to come from her. Asking her these things would be like her asking me to bring her flowers or gift her jewelry. I bring her flowers, gift her jewelry, bring her breakfast into bed and many other things not because she asks me but because I want to do them to her.


old fashioned women from our time are thought to not chance men and that we have to seduce them , if you don't at least drop a few hints she has not Chrystal ball , 
so what if it seems not as exciting the first time as you think she is doing it as a request but the next time after that it would be out of the blue


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So what does she say to that?


She does not do this. I don't know why though she knows how much I enjoy this and how much I admire her body and sexually. We do have a lot of sexy lingerer, sexy heels, etc. but all of them we bought together initiated by me. She never turned down buying them or wearing them but I don't think she ever put anything for me herself without me asking her.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i think you might be wrong when you made the topic and called it dealing with sexual boredom , I think your looking for your wife to be more furtive and inventive in your love life nothing wrong with that it is just half the women like the man to take the lead , just thinking have you even told her when out you have no under your jeans as the old add used to show a male model in jeans whit no under ware she might be turned on by that image and then light a spart for her to do the same some time


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> i think you might be wrong when you made the topic and called it dealing with sexual boredom , I think your looking for your wife to be more furtive and inventive in your love life nothing wrong with that it is just half the women like the man to take the lead , just thinking have you even told her when out you have no under your jeans as the old add used to show a male model in jeans whit no under ware she might be turned on by that image and then light a spart for her to do the same some time


Honestly, no. While I would like her to take more initiative and be more proactive I accept her the way she is. Last thing I want to do is to pressure her to be who she is not. She does accept me the way I am with all my flaws, she never criticizes me or complains about. I truly believe people in their core do not change.

I just want us both to be more open with each other. We are open and honest in every aspect of our life but in sex I feel we wear some sort of mask and hide our truly identity and true desires from each other. And because I don't know what she truly wants and what she finds truly not acceptable I have this anxiety and fear to try or even discuss something new since I don't know how she will react to it. and this brings us to this state when we have our sex routine that we have been using for very long time. And this is boredom to me.

There is also a constant thought in my mind that there may be something she really wants and I cannot give it to her because I don't know about it. This would be the most amazing gift for myself if I could do something to her, no matter how weird or crazy that will bring her sexual excitement.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i think your wrong in thinking you would take the good out of it if you asked her to do x or y , I have like you asked my wife to do the same thing and if she ever does it you will have to pick me up off the ground one of my things is I would live to go to bed and find her nude often told her 3I will go out lock up and see everything is ok before going to bed you go to bed and let your panties on the floor the few times she does do it comes as a nice surprise , I hope my wife finds this and your wife and any other mans wife that wants to know some of the things we men would like them to do , or why not start a new topic things us men would love women do that is a turn on to us men and the women could do likewise i would like some new ideas to surprise my wife ,


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> we tried that once and stopped in a wood on lights on and got into the back seat we were married 10 years at the time and who comes on only the police with their lamp shining in the windows


Happened a few times also. The cop actually asked my wife if she was "ok" (like I was there molesting her -- rather the opposite!!! )


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> And because I don't know what she truly wants and what she finds truly not acceptable I have this anxiety and fear to try or even discuss something new since I don't know how she will react to it.


Well if you haven't got the testicular fortitude to speak up, then nothing is going to change. If you want more speak up, if you don't then carry on as you are, it really is that simple


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> She’ll say “if you want X, just come and get me”. Point is, “discussion” is kind of pointless.


This came up in our MC and I told her it’s like your spouse having no clue it’s your birthday and when you say you want a nice birthday you’re supposed to take charge of it. Like them saying with a little contempt “oh well jeez, if you wanna nice birthday just go buy yourself something nice and grab me when you wanna go eat dinner.”

I think a lot of times, the bar is set at “available and won’t necessarily turn you down.” Anything past that is uncomfortable and will likely result in the default “I’m not good enough” train of thought. Some people get really defensive when something they think is fine needs to be improved.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> very good point but I DO FIND IT IS BETTER TO TALK THAN TO SPRING SOMETHING on her , we grow up knowing nothing about sex had to do a weekend course thing before we got married and the sex talk was a man and a woman showing us photos of human reproductive parts , and that was about it , and don't forget the one class in school that was given by a priest , so when Bill Clinton got a blow job in the oval office we had to look that up as we never know such thing went on , we have to teach yourself everything and it is not our style to ask friends


There is no guy that didn't know what Bill Clinton got from Monica, when he carefully parsed his words saying I did not have sex with that woman.

The cat was out of the bag completely, right then.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Also I always tell her instead of giving me any material gift for birthday, marriage anniversary, etc, give me something special in bed. Buy some lingerer, stockings, etc. and show them to me, do a striptease for me. This would be the best gift for me.


But really, that's old stuff, in ltm. 

Got to go with something newer.

That's novel for first few years, maybe to ten, not very good if not mixed with newer for 10-20 years.

20 to 30 years you really need to stretch your imagination, finally at almost 40 yrs myself, 30 to 40 you should have a greatly amount of foundational stuff in your tool belt and can now really stretch limits.

Thing bigger! So far you've mentioned mundane, standard typical fare.

Now go big.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

coming from my background I did not know what a bj was before Bill , looked up what it was all about and the rest was history , i grow up before the internet , my son is the same age as goggle so been a country lad page 3 of the Sunday world and the odd lingerer add in women's mag was as close as we got to porn


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> But really, that's old stuff, in ltm.
> 
> Got to go with something newer.
> 
> ...


No sure what you mean by "old stuff".


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I may try f*cking her between her beautiful breasts but if I do and I cum on them and she would be disgusted it may kill my (and maybe hers) sexual desire for a very long time.


You've never done that? I can see why you have a problem...


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

I guess I'm saying if just one more person suggests having a date night, wine, candles etc just remember that should be already steadily going on and is so old and boring just stub your toe on purpose and get that sudden pain to wake you up to going bigger, not typical, something out of you two's norm.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> You've never done that? I can see why you have a problem...


Jesus, no kidding. 

OP, that's a prime example of typical, old and dusty action, and in a rut thing to do.

Should have already been happening in the first 10 years.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CountryMike said:


> Should have already been happening in the first 10 years.


I did with my girlfriend (now my wife) pretty early in our relationship... she had the attributes  and she loved it


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> For the lingerie, why don't you pick out something she has, put it on the bed, and put a note "I'd LOVE to see you cook me dinner in this tonight, and then I will make sure you get a great dessert"? (I don't know if you have kids running around, so.....)
> 
> 
> When you start fooling around, grab HER hand and both of you finger her together. Then take your hand away and tell her how much you LOVE seeing her do that. This one I think can be done interactively and doesn't need discussion before hand.
> ...


I know this all true and the problem is inside me primarily. My wife would do a lot of thing for me if I ask her. If I ask her to give me a BJ (usually happens when she has period and we cannot have sex), she never turns me down and does it, even swallows. But she shows very little excitement and I am really not sure she truly enjoys it or just does it because I asked for it and make me happy. And the the very thought that she might not be enjoying it kills my mood and prevents me from brining up other stuff I would like to try. 

It is hard for me to explain what I feel. I just do not enjoy the sex if I cannot feel that mutual sexual arouse and excitement and feel she really really enjoys it together with me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> And the the very thought that she might not be enjoying it kills my mood and prevents me from brining up other stuff I would like to try.


So, if it's your problem, what are going to do about it? Apart than being here on TAM asking strangers...


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I know this all true and the problem is inside me primarily. My wife would do a lot of thing for me if I ask her. If I ask her to give me a BJ (usually happens when she has period and we cannot have sex), she never turns me down and does it, even swallows. But she shows very little excitement and I am really not sure she truly enjoys it or just does it because I asked for it and make me happy. And the the very thought that she might not be enjoying it kills my mood and prevents me from brining up other stuff I would like to try.
> 
> It is hard for me to explain what I feel. I just do not enjoy the sex if I cannot feel that mutual sexual arouse and excitement and feel she really really enjoys it together with me.


This little tidbit of advice will cause you to reap rewards heretofore unknown to you old friend. 

Are you ready to hear it? Here it is:

Get out of your own mind. Don't overthink the fact she's amenable to a great many good things.

If you spend time thinking....she's doing it, but I wonder if she really wants to or not, maybe I should ask her......

Don't go down that road about asking her about the things she does with you.
Accept her actions as a positive. 

If you start interrogating her on her reasons she'll start to freak out and think she's doing something wrong, unnatural, and will begin to doubt herself. 

Stop yourself from feeling like you have to ask her why on every little thing.

That will, guaranteed, bring all your forward movements to a s screeching halt and cause a whole new set of problems.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It is hard for me to explain what I feel. I just do not enjoy the sex if I cannot feel that mutual sexual arouse and excitement and feel she really really enjoys it together with me.



So, you need your wife to be as expressive as you are and to enjoy your sexual relationship with as much intensity and in the same ways you do. 


Has your wife _ever_ consistently expressed the 'mutual sexual arousal and excitement' that you're seeking? If so, when and why did that stop? If not, then why is the lack of something _that's never been there before_ suddenly a problem for you now?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Rowan said:


> So, you need your wife to be as expressive as you are and to enjoy your sexual relationship with as much intensity and in the same ways you do.
> 
> 
> Has your wife _ever_ consistently expressed the 'mutual sexual arousal and excitement' that you're seeking? If so, when and why did that stop? If not, then why is the lack of something _that's never been there before_ suddenly a problem for you now?


During intercourse and when I am doing oral on her and then stimulating her clitoris with my hand (always part of our routine preceding intercourse) she is very vocal and moans heavily and loudly. She comes wildly from my stimulating her with my hands, I am pretty sure the whole house and even neighbors can hear it, she even bites me uncontrollably. During intercourse she moans and we almost always come together. she has less intensive orgasm than from my manual stimulation but I think it is genuine, she squeezes her legs and pulls me out immediately when she gets an orgasm (ruins my moment a bit, I prefer staying her in the whole time I come). She said she cannot control this.

So yes, she is present and involved but mostly when we have intercourse or i actively stimulating her. When she is giving me a BJ she is rather quite and calm.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> During intercourse and when I am doing oral on her and then stimulating her clitoris with my hand (always part of our routine preceding intercourse) she is very vocal and moans heavily and loudly. She comes wildly from my stimulating her with my hands, I am pretty sure the whole house and even neighbors can hear it, she even bites me uncontrollably. During intercourse she moans and we almost always come together. she has less intensive orgasm than from my manual stimulation but I think it is genuine, she squeezes her legs and pulls me out immediately when she gets an orgasm (ruins my moment a bit, I prefer staying her in the whole time I come). She said she cannot control this.
> 
> So yes, she is present and involved but mostly when we have intercourse or i actively stimulating her. When she is giving me a BJ she is rather quite and calm.


So I've narrowed down the problem you touched on in one sentence.
Everything else, she's a firecracker, fantastic.

But you're focused and concerned about the detail she's not doing the moaning, groaning, happy twitches while giving a BJ.

That's the way your above post reads.

Have I recapped the focus of your concern in one sentence accurately?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> So I've narrowed down the problem you touched on in one sentence.
> Everything else, she's a firecracker, fantastic.
> 
> But you're focused and concerned about the detail she's not doing the moaning, groaning, happy twitches while giving a BJ.
> ...


It is not specifically that she is quite when she is giving me a BJ that bothers me. It is the fact I am not sure she is really enjoying it. If I knew she is not really enjoying it I would never ask her to give it to me even if I myself like it a lot. Even after I come she expresses little to no emotions, she just swallows and she is done, no emotion, excitement or any feedback, visual or any other. I thank her, she just relies "I am happy you enjoyed it" and that's it. It is hard for me to accept that she truly enjoyed it showing little emotion or feedback. And this kills my mood, I have to admit I feel frustrated some times. 

Even our routine sex feels way better because I know and feel she enjoys it and we are both into it. As I said I need this deep emotional, intimate and sexual connection to really enjoy sex or even get hard.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, why do you imagine that she should be as excited by giving you a bj as she is when you're giving her an orgasm? 

There are some women that are really turned on by doing that. Many, many, perfectly healthy and sexually normal women, are _not_ really turned on by doing that. They enjoy pleasing their man, but it's not going to make them panting, groaning, thrashing around excited. Your wife appears to be of the latter type. Which is probably a good thing, as you've said she's a biter....

If you're expecting near-orgasmic expressions from her when she's giving you a bj, then you either need to stop watching the porn that's led you to imagine that's a regular thing for most couples, or you need to just ask her to fake that level of excitement for you while she's performing the bj.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It is not specifically that she is quite when she is giving me a BJ that bothers me. It is the fact I am not sure she is really enjoying it. If I knew she is not really enjoying it I would never ask her to give it to me even if I myself like it a lot. Even after I come she expresses little to no emotions, she just swallows and she is done, no emotion, excitement or any feedback, visual or any other. I thank her, she just relies "I am happy you enjoyed it" and that's it. It is hard for me to accept that she truly enjoyed it showing little emotion or feedback. And this kills my mood, I have to admit I feel frustrated some times.
> 
> Even our routine sex feels way better because I know and feel she enjoys it and we are both into it. As I said I need this deep emotional, intimate and sexual connection to really enjoy sex or even get hard.


It is obvious that she doesn't seem to care much for giving a BJ, but does it since you like it. I think you should be thankful that she does it for you and the fact that she let's you finish in her mouth and swallows says a lot about her wanting to do something for you. You shouldn't really complain about her not getting all giddy over it. That may be what you want, but you aren't going to be able to completely change the way she feels about it. Consider it a gift that she is doing it at all. She could just as easily say she doesn't want to. If you aren't careful you could make her feel like what she is doing for you is never enough and she may stop trying at all.

If you get the most satisfaction from the routine sex that gives you and her the emotional and intimate connections, then stick to that as your foundation.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If she is not turned on, giving you a BJ is not going to make her scream in ecstasy. Have you tried to ask for a BJ during sex? I never had to ask. My wife did it because she enjoyed, but if your wife is turned on, maybe she will enjoy it more.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My take:

I wouodnt want to masturbate in front of anyone. It would totally make me uncomfortable. She may be the same.

There’s nothing wrong with your fantasies and desires. But, there’s no way a person can make all these dreams come true for you.
She knows what you like as a whole, and does that for you out of love. I seriously doubt any woman really wants to swallow. She does... wow. 

she doesn’t seem all excited about things.....
I’ll bet if you spent a couple of weeks away from one another she’d be excited.

I have an urge to really give you a good scolding because I feel that even with what sounds like a SUPER wife, and great sex, you’re still wanting something more.
But a person wants what they want...,,

Other than having some time apart (I’d never want to be away from my wife if I had a good one), I don’t know what to tell you about getting some of that passion you’re wanting.

I do agree that any porn is probably a bad thing, just as masturbation would be for me. Just overstimulation.
But it won’t add any more passion stopping the porn on end, it just might add a bit more on yours.

I just don’t think there’s anything wrong whatsoever or that needs fixing in your sexual relationship. If I were you, I’d try to treasure what she gives you that you enjoy, and try to stop being discontented with what you don’t have. Not a single person on the planet can possibly be successful fulfilling even your fantasies. You’re expecting/wanting too much.

jmo.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I wouodnt want to masturbate in front of anyone.


You wouldn't masturbate in front of your wife if she asked you to?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Rowan said:


> OP, why do you imagine that she should be as excited by giving you a bj as she is when you're giving her an orgasm?
> 
> There are some women that are really turned on by doing that. Many, many, perfectly healthy and sexually normal women, are _not_ really turned on by doing that. They enjoy pleasing their man, but it's not going to make them panting, groaning, thrashing around excited. Your wife appears to be of the latter type. Which is probably a good thing, as you've said she's a biter....
> 
> If you're expecting near-orgasmic expressions from her when she's giving you a bj, then you either need to stop watching the porn that's led you to imagine that's a regular thing for most couples, or you need to just ask her to fake that level of excitement for you while she's performing the bj.


@romantic_dreamer , here's a really key question for you.

How do you show you're really enjoying getting a BJ to completion from her?

Do you moan, groan, get real vocal, physically get into it, letting her hear and see what great enjoyment she's giving you? 

You mentioned how vocal, physical, and really let's you know how much you're pleasuring her when giving her an orgasm, and that's super.

Are you giving her the equivalent of how great she's doing, all vocal, physically expressing, letting her see how great she's doing?

If not, there's a significant problem that if turned around would help immediately. 

If your sitting like a lump of coal just accepting and not getting involved, you're contributing to the problem. 

Not saying you are, just throwing it out there.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> My take:
> 
> I wouodnt want to masturbate in front of anyone. It would totally make me uncomfortable. She may be the same.
> 
> ...


You don't masturbate with your W in bed as part of a whole encounter? She doesn't pleasure herself during part, either? 

One is really doing these things as part of a whole session, so it's not really a hey honey watch me kind of thing.

Watching the W self stimulate as we do various positions is great. She likes the same from me. All part of a complete meal. 👍👍👍


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> You wouldn't masturbate in front of your wife if she asked you to?


Why not? I would gladly do this if I knew this would turn her on. I find masturbation in front of your partner or together is one of most intimate act in sex.

I would do anything to please her. I just need to know what it is. The most exciting and enjoyable part for me in sex is to bring her pleasure. That's why it is very important for me to see or feel this from her that she is really enjoying it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> You wouldn't masturbate in front of your wife if she asked you to?


Nope, I have zero desire to do that. I’ve been asked in the past. I didn’t feel comfortable, didn’t like the scrutiny.... didn’t like it at all.

and I always get a lot of happiness seeing the woman I’m with orgasm and such. I’m not at all bothered by expressing pleasure in front of my wife or SO..... I just don’t want to masturbate in front of her. just feels weird to me.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> @romantic_dreamer , here's a really key question for you.
> 
> How do you show you're really enjoying getting a BJ to completion from her?
> 
> ...


Yes, I come very loud too and I am showing her I am enjoying it. after the act I always thank her, tell her how fortunate I am to have her give me a BJ, kiss her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I do get turned on hugely by a very vocal partner, and don’t really care for a quiet one.
So I get your desire for more display of passion.
Just know that because YOU want that, it doesn’t mean she does. And wanting her to fake things or change things may make her think negatively about what she’s doing and totally screw up your sexual relationship. You’d better tread very carefully here. You seem to be careful and empathetic about it, just saying....


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I do get turned on hugely by a very vocal partner, and don’t really care for a quiet one.
> So I get your desire for more display of passion.
> Just know that because YOU want that, it doesn’t mean she does. And wanting her to fake things or change things may make her think negatively about what she’s doing and totally screw up your sexual relationship. You’d better tread very carefully here. You seem to be careful and empathetic about it, just saying....


I absolutely don't want her to fake anything. But something like looking me into eyes while doing it or tell me after that fact "It was so good to feel your hard warm head in my mouth... I was so thrilled to feel how you come". 

When I play with her clit, I don't just move my hand or mouth. I am not a vibrator. I try to show her visually and vocally I really enjoy it. I even tell her I am very prod of these bite marks she gives me when she orgasms...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I had a lady that I was crazy about that has hugely powerful muscular contractions when she would orgasm from oral. She was super clean and smelled good to me, and was the first person I ever gave oral to that orgasmed, so it was quite a blessing to me. And she said I was the best ever and nobody ever made her like it as much as I did (I’m sure they all say that, but it made me feel good either way). So I really got a lot of pleasure doing that for her although she wanted it every single time and didn’t return the favor at all after a few months of dating, so that bothered me.
My point: as much as I liked doing that for her, it took a while sometimes and i had to concentrate so much that I’d lose an erection and she mentioned that a couple of times because it bothered her that I did. It turned me on to do it for her, I enjoyed doing it, but sometimes it was more like work and I felt like I was always giving more...... your wife doesn’t seem to feel that way at all.
She’s not gonna be all excited to blow you every time. But she does it because you like it. Knowing she did it because she loved me—- that would really inspire some passion in me when it was my turn to give to her.

try to think of it that way.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, giving you a bj doesn't make your wife all hot and bothered. She is not you. The same things don't turn her on and she doesn't really think to "perform" as you do to express excitement about something that doesn't particularly turn her on. It's really is just that simple. I don't know what else to tell you. 

She does it, apparently willingly and upon request, because she knows you enjoy it and she's interested in making you happy. That's a very good thing. 

If you need the sexual acts your wife performs to be ones that turn her on, then skip the bjs and try something else. Or, learn to better manage your expectations. 

Or, _just ask her for the sort of show you want_. And do be aware that your 'try[ing] to show her visually and vocally that [you] really enjoy' whatever, is, in fact a sort of performance that you do for her. That isn't a natural reaction from you - you're 'trying', after all - it's something you do intentionally to show her your interest and engagement. So don't get all wrapped around the axel about it if you need to ask her for what you want. You're providing a bit of a show on your own initiative. Asking her to provide a similar show for you seems fair. 

What is not fair is expecting her to be in sync in all ways with your without you having to talk with her about it. Thinking that having to ask for what you want is a problem, is a bit like saying "if you really loved me, you'd know". It's asking her to read your mind and being mad when she doesn't. That's both immature and toxic to a healthy marriage. Use your words. Ask for what you want. 


You never did answer my earlier question: If she's never been expressive in the way you want (at least not during this particular act) why is this a problem now? What's changed on your end that this is now a point of dissatisfaction?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> It is not specifically that she is quite when she is giving me a BJ that bothers me. It is the fact I am not sure she is really enjoying it. If I knew she is not really enjoying it I would never ask her to give it to me even if I myself like it a lot. Even after I come she expresses little to no emotions, she just swallows and she is done, no emotion, excitement or any feedback, visual or any other. I thank her, she just relies "I am happy you enjoyed it" and that's it. It is hard for me to accept that she truly enjoyed it showing little emotion or feedback. And this kills my mood, I have to admit I feel frustrated some times.


I’m in the same exact boat. I experience “compersion” meaning I get excited when she is getting off. When I concentrate on her foreplay, she moans, squirms, looks at me, etc. When the roles are reversed, it’s like a switch is flipped… she just doesn’t look like it does anything for her, especially if she just finished. Only thing she’ll say is “how do you wanna cum?” That’s it. Most times during oral she won’t even make eye contact. So to me it feels like it’s the cost of business for her makes me feel yucky. It’s a mood killer because it’s not desire it’s transactional.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Yeas, it is not frequency. I can get sex almost any time I want. But as I say I do not want or enjoy sex for the sake of sex. I want both of us be excited about it.
> 
> I really want is for her to be excited about something. I would really do anything for her if I knew she crave this or be excited about it. I would never do or even suggest something if I fear she would not really like it. The problem is she loves me very much and she would do almost anything to please me, but she may not really like what I want. she never opened to me what she really likes in sex, possibly she likes what we have and really does not want to change anything. And I from my side I did not find way or even courage to express or explain what I would like to try or even how to bring it up.
> 
> She is open to many things but does not express a lot of excitement about them. She read me erotic stores if I gave them to her, she in past few times watched porn with me (which I really enjoyed). She even once went with me to a private photographer to do an explicit erotic photoshoot for me which was the most amazing event in my entire life. I liked all of this a lot but the fact I had to ask for them and seeing her not be over excited about doing them dampens the otherwise fantastic unforgettable experience.


Your wife is doing a lot of stuff just to make you happy that she probably wouldn't do as often if it were strictly up to her. Do you really expect her to get herself excited by wearing lingerie? That does nothing for the woman. BJs are more of a chore for most women. There are always exceptions, but performing BJs isn't usually exciting for the woman. That's for you, even if you're giving each other oral. She's already doing all this for you, and yet you keep wanting more. You can't make her pant after you like when you were 18, Dude. Sounds like a midlife crisis. This is you being needy and wanting some sort of validation. It's not her having an issue. 

My guess is if you want to see her excited about something, take her to go do something nonsexual she's always wanted to do that doesn't really float your boat, since you say you do everything together, something to make her happy like she does for you in bed to make you happy. 

Don't start measuring what she does by what paid porn actresses do, either .

I don't know why you even griped about her getting up to go to the restroom afterwards. Women have to go pee regularly, unlike men. She also probably likes to wash up and you should probably do that as well.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Rowan said:


> You never did answer my earlier question: If she's never been expressive in the way you want (at least not during this particular act) why is this a problem now? What's changed on your end that this is now a point of dissatisfaction?


This has always been in my mind. I never managed to figure out how to express this or discuss.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> This has always been in my mind. I never managed to figure out how to express this or discuss.


This is a bit tmi, I'm sure, but humorously (kind of) ask her to masturbate while giving a BJ.

Her physical expressions of enjoyment will bleed over, killing two birds with one stone.

To kick it up a notch tell her you want to video her doing this, so you can watch it later with her.

Which I should ask, do you ever take videos of her, or her you, or a session? Is that something she or you do or want to explore?

I mean quality set up, no rinky dink grainy stuff.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I think I can relate to a few things you've mentioned but from the female perspective: long marriage, soul mates, good sex, sensitive souls who never want to put each other out too much.
And the part about sort of dreading the same old routine, even though it's good. But it is predictable and therefore doesn't always seem worth the effort.

My H also can't enjoy sex if I'm not into it.

If I'm genuinely not into it, even though I would continue and give him what he wants, he usually would rather wait until I'm 'into it.'

This tells me that as he has aged, sex is so much more about an emotional connection and affirmation than just the act.
He needs to know I'm into it in order to even want it!

That's a BiG shift from his 20's!

Its taken me some adjustment to feel like I'm pleasing him since the focus is no longer on his O but my pleasure.

So all the former sexual 'rules' that we created are out the window. 
And this requires me to be honest with myself in with my own desires.

This is actually harder and takes more engagement than just getting him off.

Now that I am thoroughly convinced that this shift is real and he truly isn't satisfied with a performance, I am way more honest with him about what I'm really feeling.

I think this has freed me up to explore how *I* really feel. The focus has shifted more to me and my emotional and physical engagement and therefore i feel safer to branch out.

I think you're wondering if certain acts or scenarios would make you feel more wanted sexually, but I think the real issue is you want to engage with your wife's real feelings. Probably not just in the bedroom, but especially in the bedroom!


Another thing, have you ever looked into responsive desire?
Many women have responsive desire. Which I think basically boils down to they only feel comfortable responding to the desire of their partner.
(Some women don't even think about sex until their partner is initiating it. Some are just too shy or feel it's uncomfortable to be the initiator.)

I would call myself a responsive desire person.
But this shift in our marriage has caused me to have to be more in tune with my own desires. And my own needs.

This shift is NOT easy. So it's good that you and your wife plan to stay together forever... don't make any sweeping changes in your expectations all at once. Keep your lovely routine sex but every other time or so try something different.
Ask your wife to come to you when she's feeling something. 

Let her know it's not a test, just that you'd love to try it out for the sake of learning more about her.

Also talk about what initiation looks like to her. There were a bunch of times in the beginning of our shift when i thought i was initiating and getting turned down, but actually my H had no idea that what i was doing meant i was interested!!
(I was and still am very bad at initiating! But learning.)

We also had a little agreement with texting. Certain things meant different levels of interest.
One is, 'thinking about sex' which he likes because he was convinced i never even thought about it unless he brought it up.
One is, ' let's plan something'
And the last one is, 'I need you now!'
(They are coded for only our own understanding.)

This helps with just getting some conversation going. And some understanding of your wife's vibes. (As well as practice for her to connect with her own sexuality apart from yours.)

Many times I'd be VERY interested but he would've had no clue because I unintentionally downplay it. (I'm too used to kids being around!) the texting helped!

Overall, recognize that perhaps what you're searching for isn't a particular act or expression but your wife's fully engaged heart AND body as one. 

She may or may not want or even know how to give this. So don't ruin a great thing by pushing for it all at once. 
But it's worth the shift over time.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have a question for couples who have been married or in strong long happy loving relationship. Do you feel your sex life has become a routine? I guess most do with years. How do you deal with it? What did you try, what boundaries do you push? How did you even discuss this?
> 
> My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we married young in our early 20s, built life from zero, we are now in our mid-40s. We have great, passionate loving marriage. If there are soulmates, it is us. We hug, kiss each other many times a day, tell each other many love words, do many big and little things for each other.
> 
> ...


Married 27 years. When sex became somewhat routine I changed it up. In short, my new nick name is Kinky B*stard or KB for short. Lingerie just gets in the way IMO. However, my wife will wear it at my insistence or will put it on without me asking. So, I just go for it no matter how kinky it is.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> Married 27 years. When sex became somewhat routine I changed it up. In short, my new nick name is Kinky B*stard or KB for short. Lingerie just gets in the way IMO. However, my wife will wear it at my insistence or will put it on without me asking. So, I just go for it no matter how kinky it is.


Mine is, you pervert you, as she's holding her arms outstretched for me to come and get it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

CountryMike said:


> This is a bit tmi, I'm sure, but humorously (kind of) ask her to masturbate while giving a BJ.
> 
> Her physical expressions of enjoyment will bleed over, killing two birds with one stone.
> 
> ...


This boggles my mind. As a person who gives BJ's I don't see any way this would work well.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> This is a bit tmi, I'm sure, but humorously (kind of) ask her to masturbate while giving a BJ.


I believe she mentioned once very vaguely that she cannot concentrate on two things simultaneously: receiving and giving.



CountryMike said:


> Her physical expressions of enjoyment will bleed over, killing two birds with one stone.
> 
> To kick it up a notch tell her you want to video her doing this, so you can watch it later with her.
> 
> ...


I took pictures of her nude but this was more than 10 years ago. I would be thrilled to take pictures or video of her but this would only work if she is into this and opens up and really acts.

I mentioned that 12 years ago we hired a photographer to do a private nude (rather explicit) photo session. The photographer did an amazing job to help her open and loosen up. She really enjoyed it and posed for 6 hrs. I put a video camera on tripod and captured all photoshoot session. This was the most fantastic experience of my life. I told my wife this is the most amazing gift she gave me ever. I often watch this video and look at the pictures that tuned out really fantastic.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I absolutely don't want her to fake anything. But something like looking me into eyes while doing it or tell me after that fact "It was so good to feel your hard warm head in my mouth... I was so thrilled to feel how you come".
> 
> When I play with her clit, I don't just move my hand or mouth. I am not a vibrator. I try to show her visually and vocally I really enjoy it. I even tell her I am very prod of these bite marks she gives me when she orgasms...


OP I'm a woman who is on my 1st marriage of 27 years. Me and my husband enjoy a marriage where we truly enjoy being around each other and we don't fight. We actually accept each other as we are. You say you do but it seems you are wanting a big change in your wife.

I would like to echo the responsive desire. I am mostly responsive desire. So I could go a week or a month or a year without worrying about sex. But if my husband starts something it triggers something in me. Then I want him. I also enjoy him taking control. It's part of who I am. I enjoy sex. I let him know. He is actually the one that has more trouble communicating about sex.

The biggest thing I see here is you say you want her to enjoy it and know she wants it. Seems to me that everything you have described she does and she let's you know. But that isn't what you really want. You want her to change who she is and become aggressive. You want her to 'enjoy' giving you a blowjob. You want to get your ego kibbles from her enjoyment. Here's a news flash. Most women don't enjoy BJ's. We may love getting our man horny or giving him pleasure but it's an act of love or service not an act of self pleasure. It's great that it does it for you but this sounds more like the stuff of porn. 

It's awesome that you want her to enjoy herself but you are also placing quite a bit of pressure on her there. She can't do anything unless she's getting horny to the point of moaning out of it? BUT you also want her to do a bunch of things that would be for you and not her. Most women don't wear lingerie for themselves. Well it might make them feel sexy. Mostly we do it to provide our men with a visual to please the man. That does give us some pleasure but it is more mental pleasure than physical. 

You might try two things. Write down a list of things you might like and only things you might like. Ask her to pick one and do it for you. That at least means she will pick a thing you like and it will be the one she found most acceptable.

You big thing seems to be you want her to initiate and to be so into it right off the bat. That can be difficult with responsive desire. So maybe plan on a 2x in one day thing. Take her on vacation or somewhere that you won't be interrupted or distracted. Get her all worked up and then ask her to initiate some time before the day is over. I know I usually stay worked up for a day or 2. That 's usually when I initiate is when it is close to when the last orgasm was and I'm still in an heightened state. This actually can be a problem for my poor husband cause I could do 3 a day everyday on vacation but that's just not his speed.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I know it may seem that I am complaining about my wife or unhappy or want to change my wife.

No, neither of this is true. I am not complaining and do not want to change her. 

I am really blessed to share my life with most amazing, beautiful and sexy woman. I cherish every moment of life with her. She sacrificed a lot for me, she supported me, comforted me, pleased me out entire life, she helped me overcome my own insecurities and problems. Our life together actually started with her being 20 years old quitting the college, selling all furniture, uprooting her otherwise rather stable life and moving to live with me across the globe in 10 sqft cold moldy room where we lived for a year. We got married few months later after we moved together in private ceremony. She is the only woman I have been intimate with, ever kissed or even held a hand of.

We have very passionate, sensual love and we do not shy to express this love for each other. There is was not a single day in our almost 25 years together when we were in the same place that we did not French kissed at least once including when either of us was sick. We spend all the time together: we buy groceries together, we cook together, we clean together, we repair the house together, we have a walk and hike together. There is almost nothing we do separately. 

I do not want to change her. I do not want her to scream or moan when she is giving me a BJ. If she wants to be quite I will accept it. I accept her the way she is. She accepts me the way I am with all my flaws and problems and I have my share of them. She never tried to change me or even criticize me even when I deserve it.

I just want us both to open up sexually. I want to know what she wants, desires and what she does not want. I am convinced every person has some sexual fantasies and desires, including us. I would do everything to please her. If her pissing on my face will turn her on, I will do it. and I want to open up for her, I want to share my desires with her. I just could not find courage or way to do this. I get it, if I want this to happen and our sexual routine to change I need to do it. But it is very hard for me, hard because if I she finds some of my fantasies weird, she feels under pressure to make them happen. and this will create even more problem and will hurt both of us. Maybe she is hesitant to share her fantasies with me too because of this fear. We are very open in every other aspects of the life, we do not have any secrets from each other. But sexually I think we still hide our deep desires from each other.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My guess is if you want to see her excited about something, take her to go do something nonsexual she's always wanted to do that doesn't really float your boat, since you say you do everything together, something to make her happy like she does for you in bed to make you happy.


I agree with just about everything else except this. Doing something she wants hoping she’ll reciprocate is a “covert contract” and only leads to resentment.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> This boggles my mind. As a person who gives BJ's I don't see any way this would work well.


Yeah, sounds like he's watching too much porn.


aaarghdub said:


> I agree with just about everything else except this. Doing something she wants hoping she’ll reciprocate is a “covert contract” and only leads to resentment.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Oh, no, I did not at all mean with the expectation she would reciprocate sexually! I meant for once, he should do something to make things fun for her, something not sexual. Thank you for asking for clarity on that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I have to add that he's the one having trouble getting excited, but that doesn't mean it's something she's doing or not doing. It can easily just mean he's getting older and isn't as sexually aroused because of that.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have a question for couples who have been married or in strong long happy loving relationship. Do you feel your sex life has become a routine? I guess most do with years. How do you deal with it? What did you try, what boundaries do you push? How did you even discuss this?
> 
> My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we married young in our early 20s, built life from zero, we are now in our mid-40s. We have great, passionate loving marriage. If there are soulmates, it is us. We hug, kiss each other many times a day, tell each other many love words, do many big and little things for each other.
> 
> ...


I am coming in late to this, even though it's only been a day. And I will note that I am responding before reading other comments, so apologies if I repeat something or answer contrary to something added after the OP.

At some point you are going to have to sit down outside of sexy time and outright bluntly point out that she needs to be initiating as well as you, and noting, again bluntly, that the use of lingerie and heels _without _being asked will go a long way to improving sex life.

That aside, I would suggest that you two fill out a sexual activity interest checklist. Warning: There are a lot of kinks on these list, as they initially were made by the kink community. But, as has been noted, one man's kink is another's vanilla Even if you two don't agree on most of the listed activities, you might find something that peeks your interest. It could be simply little things such as role play, or wax, or get complicated like electroplay or shibari. There are even classes that can teach you how to do plays safely.

Also, something to keep in mind. There is a difference between her not wanting to do something, and her not caring if she does something. There are plenty of things that I don't care about or even mildly dislike that I am willing to do for my wives because it gives them pleasure. And there are (a few) things that they like, but I dislike, that I won't do, because the pleasure I get from their pleasure does not outweigh my displeasure. Worrying that she might do something she doesn't like just to please you is a noble thing. However, don't allow her being indifferent to something stop you from engaging in the activity because you are mistaking it as her disliking it but doing it for you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I know this is probably true but I don't know if and how I will be able to handle the rejection if she finds what I want is outside her boundaries.
> 
> I wonder and this is how I started my original post what other couples who are in stable loving relationship do? What kind of sex fantasies they pursue, how they discuss them.


This is one of the reasons I suggested the checklist. The odds of her rejecting everything you desire and vice versa (unless you end up with really small lists) are slim. Just be supportive of her choices (not give into them if they are something you can't do) and she should be the same with yours.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I also personally hate anything that degrades women even if faked or playful so no BDSM, violence, anything invoking pain or rape or force against her will.


Need to try to nip this one in the bud. BDSM is pretty much a catch "phrase" for pretty much all kinks now. And not everything about it is degrading per se. Granted, there are those who would call oral sex degrading, so a lot depends upon where your idea of "degrading" is. With that, not everything that one might associate with pain, is actually pain. Keep in mind that the expression on the face when one is in pain, and when one orgasms are extremely similar. I enjoy electro play. I am not in pain when the TENS unit in on. Extreme sensation, sure, but it's not pain, not to me. Many say the same thing about flogging. Furthermore, BDSM hinges upon consent. As I teach in my BDSM 101 class, if consent is not present then it's not BDSM, it's sexual assault. If she enjoys having her hair pulled, then to her it's neither pain, nor being forced into doing anything. There is a difference between you being forceful, and you forcing her to do something.



> Give me a BJ in car when driving or parked somewhere


PLEASE do NOT do this driving, not even if you are the only ones on the road. Trust me, I know of and have heard too many incidences that comes from this. Parked somewhere is two thumbs up though.



> But most important I want her to be excited about anything we try or do sexually. I do not want to do anything, does not matter how much exciting it is to me if she does not find this exciting to her, not to say if she does not like this.


Would you not do something if it excited her but not you, but it didn't repulse you either? Where you are accepting of it, but not excited about it. If you would, then make sure you allow her to do the same.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know why you even griped about her getting up to go to the restroom afterwards. Women have to go pee regularly, unlike men. She also probably likes to wash up and you should probably do that as well.


TV: After the act the woman rolls over and passes out in his arms.

Reality: Hmm maybe having all this sticky goo leaking out of me isn’t all that great. I’m going to wash up. Now I’m not tired... Ugh!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> TV: After the act the woman rolls over and passes out in his arms.
> 
> Reality: Hmm maybe having all this sticky goo leaking out of me isn’t all that great. I’m going to wash up. Now I’m not tired... Ugh!


Thank you. Not to mention get that taste out of your mouth after a BJ.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thank you. Not to mention get that taste out of your mouth after a BJ.


I consider myself fortunate I have never had to experience either one.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Why not? I would gladly do this if I knew this would turn her on. I find masturbation in front of your partner or together is one of most intimate act in sex.
> 
> I would do anything to please her. I just need to know what it is. The most exciting and enjoyable part for me in sex is to bring her pleasure. That's why it is very important for me to see or feel this from her that she is really enjoying it.


I was asking Evinrude58... but I'm glad to hear you would enjoy.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> Need to try to nip this one in the bud. BDSM is pretty much a catch "phrase" for pretty much all kinks now. And not everything about it is degrading per se. Granted, there are those who would call oral sex degrading, so a lot depends upon where your idea of "degrading" is. With that, not everything that one might associate with pain, is actually pain. Keep in mind that the expression on the face when one is in pain, and when one orgasms are extremely similar. I enjoy electro play. I am not in pain when the TENS unit in on. Extreme sensation, sure, but it's not pain, not to me. Many say the same thing about flogging. Furthermore, BDSM hinges upon consent. As I teach in my BDSM 101 class, if consent is not present then it's not BDSM, it's sexual assault. If she enjoys having her hair pulled, then to her it's neither pain, nor being forced into doing anything. There is a difference between you being forceful, and you forcing her to do something.


It would be very difficult for me to do anything that causes any pain or beating if it just playful. This includes beating, slapping, choking, scratching, etc. calling her obscene names. I might be able to tie her to the bed but very very gently. It would be hard for me to slap my wife even very weak when doing doggy style. But if she says (I really really doubt my wife would be turned on by this) that this is what will turn her on, I will try to do this. I understand that what is "degrading" is very personal. For some coming on woman's face is very degrading while I find it very sexy.




maquiscat said:


> Would you not do something if it excited her but not you, but it didn't repulse you either? Where you are accepting of it, but not excited about it. If you would, then make sure you allow her to do the same.


If there is something that turns her on or she really enjoys this will turn me on too. The most amazing part of sex for me is to giving her pleasure and enjoy her enjoying. At the same time if she does not enjoy sex or something, this turns me off completely. We tried once anal sex and she hinted me immediately she is was disgusted by all this lube we had to put on. We stopped immediately and never tried or even mentioned it again.

I would never approach her with sex if I see or know she is not in the mood, tied, feeling sick or stressed even if I want it a lot. There were few times in our life when we were naked and ready to go but I sensed she does not feel really sexual or not in the mood. And I made us stop and not do it.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I would also add I think some people, mainly those with intimacy issues but like sex, will devolve into what is basically a “FWB sex” dynamic where sex is more of a pragmatic exercise to either get off or do your partner a solid. Once done, you move on with your day.

This where I feel I’m at with my partner after she mentioned she had a FWB a long time ago. And I’ve had one too so I get it. Here’s where I see the differences, FWB’s…


Only talk about/around sex when they want it there is no/very little discussion before or after. Sex talk is gross and crude otherwise. Exception: it wasn’t good for them last time or it’s been awhile.
No flirting, innuendos, jokes, banter, fantasy talk, improvement talk, feedback, verbal replay/discussion, etc.
Primarily interested in your own orgasm, lose interest in sex 10 seconds after you finish, only care if your partner finished, not if they liked it.
Compliments (if given) are about the act not the other person (“that was awesome” vs “OMG you give the best head.”).
No sticking around, no cuddling, clean up and go, start talking about your to-do list or schedule.
Little intimate, intentional touch, mostly all erogenous zone touch. Not much kissing and little eye contact.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

tigerlily99 said:


> I think I can relate to a few things you've mentioned but from the female perspective: long marriage, soul mates, good sex, sensitive souls who never want to put each other out too much.
> And the part about sort of dreading the same old routine, even though it's good. But it is predictable and therefore doesn't always seem worth the effort.
> 
> My H also can't enjoy sex if I'm not into it.
> ...


Wow! Great post! I cut and pasted it into my notes. Fantastic insight.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> This boggles my mind. As a person who gives BJ's I don't see any way this would work well.


Me too. But I'm trying to see what OP is leaning towards ie what concerns him so much in talking to W.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I consider myself fortunate I have never had to experience either one.


Had to clarify that did you 🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣?

Just pulling your leg 👍👍🙂🙂


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CountryMike said:


> Had to clarify that did you 🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣?
> 
> Just pulling your leg 👍👍🙂🙂


I think it’s important because you never know these days.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I want to open up for her, I want to share my desires with her. I just could not find courage or way to do this. I get it, if I want this to happen and our sexual routine to change I need to do it. But it is very hard for me, hard because if I she finds some of my fantasies weird, she feels under pressure to make them happen. and this will create even more problem and will hurt both of us. Maybe she is hesitant to share her fantasies with me too because of this fear. We are very open in every other aspects of the life, we do not have any secrets from each other. But sexually I think we still hide our deep desires from each other.


I never understood how people can _have_ sex with each other, yet can't talk about sex with each other, especially after many years together. 

Try bringing it up as, "Wow, honey, I heard about this thing. Do you think you'd ever want to try that or if not that, something else?

So many men seem to complain about a boring sex life, yet they want to pretend it's all their wife's fault, even though they do nothing to change it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

theloveofmylife said:


> I never understood how people can _have_ sex with each other, yet can't talk about sex with each other, especially after many years together.
> 
> Try bringing it up as, "Wow, honey, I heard about this thing. Do you think you'd ever want to try that or if not that, something else?
> 
> So many men seem to complain about a boring sex life, yet they want to pretend it's all their wife's fault, even though they do nothing to change it.


His real problem isn't that he wants to try new things. He freely admits anything he wants to do his wife is most likely willing to do. 

His problem is he wants her to come up with and implement this new thing. So it's broke for him but not for her but she should fix it.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

theloveofmylife said:


> I never understood how people can _have_ sex with each other, yet can't talk about sex with each other, especially after many years together.
> 
> Try bringing it up as, "Wow, honey, I heard about this thing. Do you think you'd ever want to try that or if not that, something else?
> 
> So many men seem to complain about a boring sex life, yet they want to pretend it's all their wife's fault, even though they do nothing to change it.


I agree but sometimes the parter (could be male or female) can go off the deep end when approached with such a suggestion.

My ex was like that. Once I mentioned videoing us having sex just for fun and she laid into me about it being perverted and where did I get that idea, etc, etc. She then was mad for about a week.

So I agree sex should be easy to talk about but for alot of couples it is not due to either the way items are brought up or by the reaction of the other partner.

Once it happens a time or two, the partner with the ideas get gun-shy about mentioning anything else


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I know this is probably true but I don't know if and how I will be able to handle the rejection if she finds what I want is outside her boundaries.
> 
> I wonder and this is how I started my original post what other couples who are in stable loving relationship do? What kind of sex fantasies they pursue, how they discuss them.


At this point you have to either tighten up and ask her, or put the whole thing behind you.

It will become the problem and not just something you're thinking about.

Trouble ahead if you don't pick a direction. You'll get tense, she'll sense you're stressed, then it won't be a a challenge but will indeed become the major problem and she'll be part of it, and discussions will be unavoidable and ten times more serious.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I know this all true and *the problem is inside me primarily.* My wife would *do a lot of thing for me if I ask her*. If I ask her to give me a BJ (usually happens when she has period and we cannot have sex), *she never turns me down* and does it, even swallows. *But she shows very little excitement* and I am really *not sure she truly enjoys it or just does it because I asked for it and make me happy.* And the the very thought that she might not be enjoying it kills my mood and prevents me from brining up other stuff I would like to try.
> 
> It is hard for me to explain what I feel. I just do not enjoy the sex if I cannot feel that mutual sexual arouse and excitement and feel she really really enjoys it together with me.


Let me give you some advice.

In an LD/HD relationship, if both are to be happy, the LD will have do more than they truly enjoy or want and the HD will have to settle for less than they truly want. That is human nature. You need to accept that.

Now to the topic of what you posted. Yes the problem is primarily you. You need to joyfully accept her gift of sexual love even when she doesn't seem to be enjoying it. You need to understand that she is LD and you are HD and that means when the two of your are intimate she many or many not want to orgasm, she may or many not want to be aroused. She is an adult, who loves you, honors her marriage to you and knows what she wants to do. Don't prevent her from expressing her love for you because you are over thinking things or are assuming she is not enjoying herself.

By the same token, don't be a lazy lover. Sometimes when I start foreplay with my LD wife, she will smile at me and tell me that she is not going to have an orgasm, but that she wants to feel me inside her and wants to feel us physically and emotionally connected. That is my signal to accept what she wants, to allow her to arouse me, to feel my excitement she creates, to know how cherished and loved I feel and to feel our emotional closeness and intimacy.

Good luck.

P.S. Some of the best sexual experiences of my wife's life have been when she was not originally in the mood, but when she fed off of my primal sexual arousal and being so excited by her body that it triggered something deep within her and caused her to become incredibly aroused.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> I never understood how people can _have_ sex with each other, yet can't talk about sex with each other, especially after many years together.
> 
> Try bringing it up as, "Wow, honey, I heard about this thing. Do you think you'd ever want to try that or if not that, something else?
> 
> So many men seem to complain about a boring sex life, yet they want to pretend it's all their wife's fault, even though they do nothing to change it.


It does seem silly, doesn't it. My wife and I had talked about sex along time ago, before kids. Somewhere along the line it just didn't come up and wasn't a topic really talked about. A couple years ago, shortly before our 30th wedding anniversary I wanted to talk sex for a variety of reason. It was really hard to start the conversations about it. I genuinely felt afraid, but I manned up and got it going. It wasn't easy for my wife either. I could sense her discomfort, so I took it slowly. After a few times it became much easier and we have really good chats about it now. It has had a very positive impact on our sex, but even more on our intimacy. I wish I struck up that conversation sooner, but can't go back in time.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have a question for couples who have been married or in strong long happy loving relationship. Do you feel your sex life has become a routine? I guess most do with years. How do you deal with it? What did you try, what boundaries do you push? How did you even discuss this?
> 
> My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we married young in our early 20s, built life from zero, we are now in our mid-40s. We have great, passionate loving marriage. If there are soulmates, it is us. We hug, kiss each other many times a day, tell each other many love words, do many big and little things for each other.
> 
> ...


Why don’t you communicate how beautiful and sexy you think she is. Tell her you miss seeing her in her lingerie? Surprise her with some sexy lingerie, just because? Make plans to go to romantic place for a weekend away. Treat her like you would if you were dating.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Anna F said:


> Why don’t you communicate how beautiful and sexy you think she is. Tell her you miss seeing her in her lingerie? Surprise her with some sexy lingerie, just because? Make plans to go to romantic place for a weekend away. Treat her like you would if you were dating.


I tell her how beautiful and sexy she is and how luck man I feel several times a day. We have very passionate relationship and romance is present our daily life. I don't think there is a man on earth who does more little and big things as sign and appreciation of love for his wife than I do for her.

Regarding buying a lingerer... if I do this and ask her to try it on, she will do it. But I do not feel right to buy this myself, it really kills for me the whole purpose. It is just part of who I am. She never buys it herself as a surprise for me but she is very happy to buy it together with me.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I tell her how beautiful and sexy she is and how luck man I feel several times a day. We have very passionate relationship and romance is present our daily life. I don't think there is a man on earth who does more little and big things as sign and appreciation of love for his wife than I do for her.
> 
> Regarding buying a lingerer... if I do this and ask her to try it on, she will do it. But I do not feel right to buy this myself, it really kills for me the whole purpose. It is just part of who I am. She never buys it herself as a surprise for me but she is very happy to buy it together with me.


So what's the problem?

It sounds like it's all in your head. 

And everytime she shows she's on board with you, you create yet another perceived problem.

It's like you want to keep finding problems or you're making some things up.

Do you enjoy the drama, not real solutions?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sounds to me like you want the benefit of a more varied sex life without the risks associated with discussing it with your wife. That's not possible. There may be big reward but there can also be negative consequences. 

There is risk to change. You have to be willing to accept the negative consequences for the chance at big reward. 

You know your wife best. If you are not willing to risk status quo, then it's on you to learn coping mechanisms to be happy with what you do have.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you have a really lovely wife and a very good sex life. Until you can understand that your wife is not you and that she isn't supposed to act like the women you see in porn, you will always be discontent. I think this is so sad. 
If I were your wife and read what you have written here I would be devastated.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I think you have a really lovely wife and a very good sex life. Until you can understand that your wife is not you and that she isn't supposed to act like the women you see in porn, you will always be discontent. I think this is so sad.
> If I were your wife and read what you have written here I would be devastated.


I agree. Seems to me he wants his wife acting like a porn star. It’s sad really.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I think you have a really lovely wife and a very good sex life. Until you can understand that your wife is not you and that she isn't supposed to act like the women you see in porn, you will always be discontent. I think this is so sad.
> If I were your wife and read what you have written here I would be devastated.


You are twisting the facts and try to paint me a ungrateful husband who watches porn non stop and is trying to coerce his wife to be a "porn star". 

None if this is true or reflect who I am.

I am really lucky to have such a wonderful woman I share my life with. We do not have problem with romance or passion or expression of it in our daily life. We do not have problem with communication or fighting. We are truly soulmates. I also do not see my wife as a "problem". Yes, in some magic world I would like her to give me some feedback when she give me BJ or herself without me asking to surprise me with a sexy lingerie or do something else sexually herself. First, I do not see how any of this makes her a "porn star". She never does this and will probably never do this herself. She does it if I ask her but not without me asking her. And I accept this, this is who she is and I absolutely do not want her to put a "show' for me against her wish. My writing about this was more like venting than complaining. I was under impression this forum is a safe place to vent without being judged. I am very grateful what she does for me both outside bedroom and sexually. Any man would die to have the same life and sex I have.

My original post was about what I consider my problem or challenge, not hers. I want us to open up sexually for each other and discuss our fantasies, desires or frustrations if we have ones. I also want to know about her desires and fantasies and I will do everything to fulfill them. 

I do find our sexual routine boring since it is the same routine we do for many many years. I don't think all this makes me ungrateful husband who does not value his wonderful wife. The problem for me is how to get out of this routine, hoe to communicate and how to make our sexual life more exciting. It is a big challenge for me, challenge many people here have hard time understanding. I tried to stress that my wife really would do a lot of things for me even if she personally may not like them. And I really do not want her to do anything for me she really does not like. Some people may find it stupid, ungrateful, etc. Basically, you wife gives you a BJ any time you want. Just enjoy it, many men would die for this, does not matter if she likes or or not, does not matter she gives you feedback or not, this only happens in porn, many women consider BJ a chore, so what you expect. I do not accept this. I do not want her to do anything she does not like. I do not want her to fake anything. I really do not enjoy anything she is not excited about and I do not want her to do this. This is a part of who I am. I want to discover something we will both be very excited about. And its challenge for me to do this. I cannot ask straight forward "can I come on you?" or "let's do 69", just cannot get this out of my mouth heads on. And doing something without asking terrifies me since if I do and she really does not like this this will cause bug sexual trauma for me an may be for her too. Some people have hard time understanding this but this is who I am am and who we are. We are very sensitive people, oversensitive for some. If I cooked something and she does not like it, she would never say "I do not like this" or "this does not taste good", she know this would hurt me a lot. She would word this very very carefully and gently. At the same time I absolutely do not want her to choke and eat something she does not like even if it took me a lot of time and effort to prepare this for her.

And I do not find exciting asking her to do things that I consider need to come from her to be truly exciting. Again, this is part of who I am. I cannot ask her not to wear a panties when going out or telling me she enjoys giving me a BJ or even putting on the perfume I gave her a while ago she knows I really really like. She knows I would appreciate all this a lot and this will make me really happy since I told her about this many times in different ways. She does not do it, this is part of her character, I cannot and do not want to change this. I accept this the way it is. Again, i do not consider this makes me bad husband trying to shape his wonderful wife into something twisted.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

And for those who are specifically offended or concerned by porn. I do watch porn occasionally. My wife knows about this and neither she or I consider watching porn in moderate a problem. She even asked me once if I want to get a Penthouse or Playboy subscription. I really feel sorry for those girls who see porn as some sort of "competition" for them. It would be the same if I would consider "competition" or "offense" my wife watching a movie with shirtless Brad Pitt or some other hot male actor. I never fantasies about any porn stars. I would never be able to have sex with them even if I am paid. There are different kind of porn and some porn can be a good source to discover something new that we both can try and enjoy. There is nothing really wrong with it. If my wife told me she saw something interesting in a porn she wants us to try to or me to do to her, I would not be offended, I would be excited.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I cannot ask straight forward "can I come on you?" or "let's do 69", just cannot get this out of my mouth heads on.


So I have done both these things with my wife and you know what I did? I told her I wanted to do it and being the trooper she is she went along with it and it was fantastic.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

A couple of comments. FIRST, you keep saying you find things boring.
So, let's say there are 10 "things" in your collective sexual repertoire.
Why do you have to do ALL 10, IN order, every time you have sex? Why can't you do 1, 4, 7 one time, 8,9, 10 the next, etc.? YOU can control that -- she does not have to. She seems like she is comfortable with YOU driving your sexual encounters, and there isn't anything wrong with that.

Second, she may just be in a "routine" of doing things "the way you've always done them" and that seems to be working for the both of you. That isn't anyone's fault, it just comes with a LTR I think. For this YOU HAVE TO TALK WITH HER. Tell her you want to mix things up when you have sex. TELL HER that you'd LOVE for her to stare in your eyes when she gives you a BJ. TELL HER that you'd like it if the next time she is in the mood, to put on a sexy pair of panties and come and GET you for sex. NONE of this happens by magic. It happens by communication. You say you don't want to tell her because even though she'd do it (and bless yourself she IS like that), you want it to come from HER.

Did you ever TALK to her about HER becoming a bit more "into it" and driving some things? This is not you telling her what to do. This is getting your honest feelings out to your wife and get HER to talk about her feelings with all this stuff.
Is there a risk? SURE, but life isn't risk free. Maybe she tells you that in all honesty, she hates BJ's. She might be doing it just for you. You need to come to grips with what some of her responses could be.

Just FLAT OUT tell her you'd LOVE to see her masturbate and you can do it at the same time. Might not be anything she ever thought about before, but maybe she WOULD find that interesting.

Again, this really all comes back to you TALKING with your wife in a safe way. Don't "You never ....." -- try "Hey honey, did you ever think about....." type of thing. DON'T attack her -- TALK with her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You are twisting the facts and try to paint me a ungrateful husband who watches porn non stop and is trying to coerce his wife to be a "porn star".
> 
> None if this is true or reflect who I am.
> 
> ...


Sometimes in life we need to be thankful and grateful for the incredible things we do have rather than the tiny amount of things we 'think' we don't.
You are assuming that your wife has loads of hidden fantasies just because you do. I suspect that she is happy with your sex life, maybe you need to accept that.
Also whatever you say or claim, watching people acting in porn WILL make you discontent and want your wife to be more enthusiastic like the women in porn, that's very simple to understand, but you wont even stop that for her, to see if it may actually change the way you see her and stop you being discontent, give it 6 months of no porn and see how it will change the way you think. I doubt you will though. It's too important to you.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

theloveofmylife said:


> I never understood how people can _have_ sex with each other, yet can't talk about sex with each other, especially after many years together.
> 
> Try bringing it up as, "Wow, honey, I heard about this thing. Do you think you'd ever want to try that or if not that, something else?
> 
> So many men seem to complain about a boring sex life, yet they want to pretend it's all their wife's fault, even though they do nothing to change it.


Some experts say if a couple can’t talk about sex openly and in a positive way, you do not have true emotional intimacy. My wife “loves having sex” but any sex talk absolutely shuts her down. It’s a dichotomy for sure. My guess is it’s shame from the past and that her identity is a mother first and foremost.

I would argue it’s not a fault-thing but a partner who’s made it abundantly clear, their sex life and mindset is exactly where they want to be and to push for more is a boundary violation for them.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Its become an interesting series of reading replies here in this thread. Some are saying the OP needs to risk some things to be able to get what he wants and others are saying he should be happy with what he has.

No one is right or wrong its just interesting to see everyone's differing perspectives.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Some are saying the OP needs to risk some things to be able to get what he wants and others are saying he should be happy with what he has.


I don’t think it’s risking much to ask your partner to try something in bed. What’s the risk, they say no?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> First, I am not and we are not into threesome, swinging or anything that involves bringing another person into our sex life. I also personally hate anything that degrades women even if faked or playful so no BDSM, violence, anything invoking pain or rape or force against her will.
> 
> Since this seems a forum when explicit things are discussed and posted may be I can be a bit more open and explicit:
> 
> ...


Sorry long response.

Try talking up something about thinking it would be "hot" or exciting. My wife a few months back told me "I'll do whatever you want, I trust you" i had told her about the scene on "The dirty truth?" Where the woman has vibrating panties on at dinner and drops the remote and a kid a couple tables over picks it up to play with it. I told her i was going to get a bullet of butterfly that has remote or phone remote that can be controlled from anywhere. At first she was like..Nope! Im not gonna wear that in public. I kept talking it up and now she it waiting on the amazon package with unsure excitement of what is to come.

We bought an air mattress and pump. Twin fits between wheel wells on truck. Trip to lake shore or field under the stars.

Get out of bedroom, living room ottoman, kitchen counter, we both hunt(cammoed out going at it in woods) probably will not see any deer or turkeys or they may come to see what the heck is going on in these woods!

Or on hood of car late night on side of deserted highway. Car passing by at 3 am hightens excitement of being caught.

Take the test spoken of. She might like light BDSM you never know. I am dominant in our bedroom and my wife likes that A LOT! If i come up behind her in the kitchen and latch on to her tight and start nibbling and lightly biting her on the back of neck. Or i geab her by back of her neck or get a handfull of her hair to control her head and kiss her hard and deep. Do not do it in way that hurts, just controls. It's like I'm saying with my actions "I cant control myself around you, you are mine and I'm gonna have you. There is nothing you can do about it!"

The above flips a switch in her and she gets almost as aggressive as i am. She gets 🔥 QUICK! 

Check into some aspects of DD/LG. I started calling my wife Baby Girl...at first she was unsure how she felt about it. Now she likes it very much and she calls me Daddy or Big Daddy. But it was a slight change that i started making that has unlocked something inside her and changed our relationship in the bedroom and out. 

Is she "sassified" in bed, not just satisfied, but satisfied beyond her wildest expectations. Are you very giving to the point she is always thinking about it and ready for next time. A quickie for us is 30+ min and her having 2-3 orgasms. Normal is 50min to 1.25hr and her having 5+. 

I think you are too much into the acts, i concentrate on her pleasure. There are times i can not reach climax....i do not care. I just want her sassified. It is about the sharing a connection, deep intimacy and pleasing each other. It is more blessed to give than receive.

She also likes to have her arms pinned above her head during more forceful intercourse. She is in no way into rape stuff and neither am i. But i guess it is the being completely vulnerable to me and knowing she is safe.
Same with me being completely vulnerable to her emotionally with me knowing i do not have to fear her hurting me, so i am more free to open up to her and let down my guard as i have with others. There are sex acts i would do if she wanted(anal etc) but i am not into. But there are also things i say that keeps her on her toes and thinking. Keeps a smile on her face and twinkle in her eye. I read and listen to everything that might help me get her to the next level of extasy. Start with things you can do to up your own game with her. I have learned things that have blown her mind and left her a shaking emotional mess clinging to me repeating, "You didn't do anything different , but it was different! OMG It was different". She just thought i did not do sonething different. 😏😁 It was something i learned new from a podcast. #Caitlin V


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> And for those who are specifically offended or concerned by porn. I do watch porn occasionally. My wife knows about this and neither she or I consider watching porn in moderate a problem. She even asked me once if I want to get a Penthouse or Playboy subscription. I really feel sorry for those girls who see porn as some sort of "competition" for them. It would be the same if I would consider "competition" or "offense" my wife watching a movie with shirtless Brad Pitt or some other hot male actor. I never fantasies about any porn stars. I would never be able to have sex with them even if I am paid. There are different kind of porn and some porn can be a good source to discover something new that we both can try and enjoy. There is nothing really wrong with it. If my wife told me she saw something interesting in a porn she wants us to try to or me to do to her, I would not be offended, I would be excited.


It's not about porn being a 'competition', it's about the fact that neither of us would treat each other with such disrespect as to watch it. Just as I don't read romance novels, not going to do anything that may make me feel discontent with my husband as you are with your sex life. Our sexual focus is on each other and not on people we see in porn.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I really cannot ask her not to wear panties or few other things. This would be weird and will kill the whole excitement. This needs to come from her. Asking her these things would be like her asking me to bring her flowers or gift her jewelry. I bring her flowers, gift her jewelry, bring her breakfast into bed and many other things not because she asks me but because I want to do them to her.


You bring it up as "You know what would drive me crazy" Going out and knowing you did not have any panties on. You are your own worse enemy. She is probably game but needs guidance on your wants/fantasies but you are afraid to speak them.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think this entire thread is a textbook example of why I'm on TAM often ranting against porn. I think there is a definite sinister aspect of it that leads men to _become dissatisfied with their wives_. Maybe this is demonic or just a natural occurrence- regardless, it DOES happen.

Just to sum it up:
1. Hubby gets as much sex as he wants
2. Wife is an enthusiastic participant and tries/performs some things the average wife would not do

Outcome: Hubby is sexually BORED (self proclaimed per thread title).

Conclusion: *Porn wrecks men and marriage* (as I've been saying all along).

I hate to think how dissatisfied hubby would be if wife were suffering illness, or they had several small children or babies. 

I _really, really, really _am convinced that a non-porn using guy just wouldn't suffer this level of dissatisfaction. Speaking personally, after being free of porn for a decade- never bored or dissatisfied. Rather, I'm so joyful to catch my wife I go crazy with lust. Married 28 years, have a house full of kids, and my wife and I are in our fifties. Also, we've argued passionately throughout our marriage and still have heated disagreements and have even suffered serious trauma/loss together. We BOTH have a thousand more reasons than OP & wife has- to be resentful or angry at each other.... our marriage is probably less stable and _more _difficult. Regardless, the sex for us- _always_ works.

Dear OP: sorry to use you as the poster guy for my anti-porn rant. My hope, brother, is that you'll see that perhaps the porn use may be a (big) part of the problem. Best wishes.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's not about porn being a 'competition', it's about the fact that neither of us would treat each other with such disrespect as to watch it. Just as I don't read romance novels, not going to do anything that may make me feel discontent with my husband as you are with your sex life. Our sexual focus is on each other and not on people we see in porn.


I respect your opinion and view on porn and I am happy you and your husband are on the same page. This is most important. However, my wife and I view porn differently. I do not agree it has negative impact on my personally or our sex life. I am rather happy that my wife does not share your view on porn. We are rather sexual people and enjoy adult entertainment, I consider moderate sensual porn as part of adult entertainment. When we go to Vegas we always go to topless nude shows and we enjoy them a lot. We even went once to a strip club though we did not like it.

It is like alcohol. Drinking a glass of wine occasionally is fine to me but drinking three shots of hard liquor daily is an alcoholism. Both involves alcohol consumption but in different context, quantities and impact on a man's life. However using illegal drugs or smoking pot even once (we never did this) is totally unacceptable for us while some find occasional smoking pot is fine. So different people have different threshold for different things. 

Maybe you had negative impact of porn on your own life or saw close friend's life ruined by porn. I totally get porn can be devastating, it can become an addiction and some men do use it as a replacement for intimacy and sex with their wives or girlfriends. and this is obviously devastating.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I know this all true and the problem is inside me primarily. My wife would do a lot of thing for me if I ask her. If I ask her to give me a BJ (usually happens when she has period and we cannot have sex), she never turns me down and does it, even swallows. But she shows very little excitement and I am really not sure she truly enjoys it or just does it because I asked for it and make me happy. And the the very thought that she might not be enjoying it kills my mood and prevents me from brining up other stuff I would like to try.
> 
> It is hard for me to explain what I feel. I just do not enjoy the sex if I cannot feel that mutual sexual arouse and excitement and feel she really really enjoys it together with me.


Question....can you tell difference between PIV with her if no BJ and after a BJ. She may not act all excited and may be concentrating on the job in hand(pun intended). I have noticed the more excited i am when wife is doing it, the more enthusiastic she becomes. 
Also, i would think if she was not into it, she would not swallow. 

Back to what i was getting at. My wife gets very aroused giving me oral, she may not seem all excited while doing it but she gladly does because she wants to please me. But after she is very wet as opposed to no oral prior to PIV. She my not seem excited but look at other cues something may really get her aroused. If she is aroused....she likes doing it.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> You bring it up as "You know what would drive me crazy" Going out and knowing you did not have any panties on. You are your own worse enemy. She is probably game but needs guidance on your wants/fantasies but you are afraid to speak them.


If I tell her this exact words "You know what would drive me crazy" Going out and knowing you did not have any panties on" I am almost sure she won't do it next time we go out. However, if we are about to go out and dressing up and I ask her explicitly "Can you not wear panties now" she will most likely won't wear them.

I am speaking this from my experience. I mentioned already that I told her how much I enjoy her using the perfume I gave her long ago, she never puts it on herself. However if I ask her explicitly to put it on at specific moment she would do it. Interestingly when were were dating prior to moving together almost 25 years ago she always used it for each of our date and without me asking her. But once we moved in together I don't think she ever did, at least not in last 20 years. I am not sure why but I am not going to ask her heads on or pressure her using it.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> I don’t think it’s risking much to ask your partner to try something in bed. What’s the risk, they say no?


True. Its just as I mentioned in a reply way back, sometimes they say more than "No" and just the mention of something becomes an issue like my ex used to do. I was made to look like a bad guy pervert for wanting to even talk about trying things.


Here is my other reply BTW:

_I agree but sometimes the parter (could be male or female) can go off the deep end when approached with such a suggestion.

My ex was like that. Once I mentioned videoing us having sex just for fun and she laid into me about it being perverted and where did I get that idea, etc, etc. She then was mad for about a week.

So I agree sex should be easy to talk about but for alot of couples it is not due to either the way items are brought up or by the reaction of the other partner.

Once it happens a time or two, the partner with the ideas get gun-shy about mentioning anything else _


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Why not? I would gladly do this if I knew this would turn her on. I find masturbation in front of your partner or together is one of most intimate act in sex.
> 
> I would do anything to please her. I just need to know what it is. The most exciting and enjoyable part for me in sex is to bring her pleasure. That's why it is very important for me to see or feel this from her that she is really enjoying it.


Then you start doing little thing differently to see how she liked it. Watch some pod casts or read blogs. Been together 25 yrs and in the last year i have learned new tricks that have blown her mind and flipped a switch in her that she craves. Made her talk like i am some kind of sexual god so to speak. That i have taken her places she never knew existed.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> If I tell her this exact words "You know what would drive me crazy" Going out and knowing you did not have any panties on" I am almost sure she won't do it next time we go out. However, if we are about to go out and dressing up and I ask her explicitly "Can you not wear panties now" she will most likely won't wear them.
> 
> I am speaking this from my experience. I mentioned already that I told her how much I enjoy her using the perfume I gave her long ago, she never puts it on herself. However if I ask her explicitly to put it on at specific moment she would do it. Interestingly when were were dating prior to moving together almost 25 years ago she always used it for each of our date and without me asking her. But once we moved in together I don't think she ever did, at least not in last 20 years. I am not sure why but I am not going to ask her heads on or pressure her using it.


If she wears spmething you do not like, tell her if she asks. Dont say "That is fine or it smells good." I usually buy my wife the perfume i like. If she thinks it smells nice, i buy her that.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Question....can you tell difference between PIV with her if no BJ and after a BJ. She may not act all excited and may be concentrating on the job in hand(pun intended). I have noticed the more excited i am when wife is doing it, the more enthusiastic she becomes.
> Also, i would think if she was not into it, she would not swallow.
> 
> Back to what i was getting at. My wife gets very aroused giving me oral, she may not seem all excited while doing it but she gladly does because she wants to please me. But after she is very wet as opposed to no oral prior to PIV. She my not seem excited but look at other cues something may really get her aroused. If she is aroused....she likes doing it.


I really don't know if she is excited or not when she gives me BJ. It is devastating to me honestly to be with the woman I love so much for almost 25 years and not being able to feel her deepest sexual nature. She does not give me any feedback I can absolutely interpret as sign of great pleasure or doing it just to satisfy me.

When she gives me a BJ from start to end it is usually when she has her period and this is the only thing we do this time. I am no going to examine her wetness to check if she is turned on or not.

She almost never says no to me. If I tell her I want to do threesome she may very well go for it. She might be crying and disgusted but she will do it just to satisfy me.

And for me not knowing what she really likes and enjoying or if she is doing this just for sake of satisfying me is terrifying and prevents me from doing anything new. It is hard for me to explain. I can tell you if it turns out my wife has been giving me BJs just to satisfy me for 20 years and she really considers all these years to be "chore" it would be totally devastating to me. I don't think I would be able to to love her as much as I do now or be sexual with her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I really don't know if she is excited or not when she gives me BJ. It is devastating to me honestly to be with the woman I love so much for almost 25 years and not being able to feel her deepest sexual nature. She does not give me any feedback I can absolutely interpret as sign of great pleasure or doing it just to satisfy me.
> 
> When she gives me a BJ from start to end it is usually when she has her period and this is the only thing we do this time. I am no going to examine her wetness to check if she is turned on or not.
> 
> ...





romantic_dreamer said:


> I really don't know if she is excited or not when she gives me BJ. It is devastating to me honestly to be with the woman I love so much for almost 25 years and not being able to feel her deepest sexual nature. She does not give me any feedback I can absolutely interpret as sign of great pleasure or doing it just to satisfy me.
> 
> When she gives me a BJ from start to end it is usually when she has her period and this is the only thing we do this time. I am no going to examine her wetness to check if she is turned on or not.
> 
> ...


Does she have issue with PIV during period or do you. Some women are scared hubby will be grosed out with her. Same with woman being scared if farting during sex. Throw down a towel on bed and go to it. Or get in shower together. 

Try the BJ at other time and see if she is wetter after when you go PIV. How i noticed she was turned on by it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Its just as I mentioned in a reply way back, sometimes they say more than "No" and just the mention of something becomes an issue like my ex used to do.


My wife has a small tendency to do this and yes it is frustrating. Pushing her boundaries a bit has loosened her up and gotten her to even bring her own ideas to the bedroom which has been awesome. So overall in my opinion it’s worth being rejected, even with some attitude coming back on the rejection.

Prolonged anger when you’re not asking for a breaking of vows would turn into a big deal for me. I notice you refer to her as ex.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She does not give me any feedback I can absolutely interpret as sign of great pleasure or doing it just to satisfy me.


If she does it for you because she loves you instead of getting something from it for herself sexually is that still a problem for you?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I want to discover something we will both be very excited about. And its challenge for me to do this. I cannot ask straight forward "can I come on you?" or "let's do 69", just cannot get this out of my mouth heads on. And doing something without asking terrifies me...


I used to be really scared to say stuff like that too, but I had to man up and do it. It is the only way you are going to try something new. I wish I had advice on how to get over the fear. You just have to be courageous and go for it. It is your wife and hopefully she will be supportive of what you are trying to do. The first time is always the hardest and it gets easier and easier. It has allowed us to try all kinds of new things. Sometimes it wasn't what we thought it would be, so we didn't do it again. Others went well and we've done it again or it may even have inspired something else to try. Just do it!


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

@romantic_dreamer 

Two things.

One, you say: And I do not find exciting asking her to do things that I consider need to come from her to be truly exciting.

You're causing this problem, why do you thing she ought to do or know these things, do you really expect her to be a MIND READER?

Two, and if you can't talk to her about sex, as you say it's impossible for you to do, then stop living in a dream world, quit thinking things can get even better.

Because you're causing the dead end by not being adult enough to have frank conversations with her.

This has been said throughout the response. 

There is nothing else to say. If nothing changes that's 100% on you, not her at all.

I'm tapping out. OP isn't listening, just moaning and groaning poor poor pitiful me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Some of this I don’t understand to be honest. Why does one need to ask for certain things if the sexual relationship is healthy? 69? Just move into position. A blow job? Simply say it. Short of bringing in other people nothing that you want should be such a delicate issue.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Some of this I don’t understand to be honest. Why does one need to ask for certain things if the sexual relationship is healthy? 69? Just move into position. A blow job? Simply say it. Short of bringing in other people nothing that you want should be such a delicate issue.


Christ Almighty. 

That's exactly what I'm saying. 

Now every comment is just going I circles.

Sorry OP, time to man up or stop complaining. That I'm sure is getting old to the W.


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## Schek (Jul 2, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Yeas, it is not frequency. I can get sex almost any time I want. But as I say I do not want or enjoy sex for the sake of sex. I want both of us be excited about it.
> 
> I really want is for her to be excited about something. I would really do anything for her if I knew she crave this or be excited about it. I would never do or even suggest something if I fear she would not really like it. The problem is she loves me very much and she would do almost anything to please me, but she may not really like what I want. she never opened to me what she really likes in sex, possibly she likes what we have and really does not want to change anything. And I from my side I did not find way or even courage to express or explain what I would like to try or even how to bring it up.
> 
> She is open to many things but does not express a lot of excitement about them. She read me erotic stores if I gave them to her, she in past few times watched porn with me (which I really enjoyed). She even once went with me to a private photographer to do an explicit erotic photoshoot for me which was the most amazing event in my entire life. I liked all of this a lot but the fact I had to ask for them and seeing her not be over excited about doing them dampens the otherwise fantastic unforgettable experience.


Maybe you're not very good at it. Maybe you have an odor she just can't get past.. You want her to wear high heels and lingerie - what do you do for "show"? It sounds as if you're overall pretty fortunate. Maybe work on being happy with the life you have.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I respect your opinion and view on porn and I am happy you and your husband are on the same page. This is most important. However, my wife and I view porn differently. I do not agree it has negative impact on my personally or our sex life. I am rather happy that my wife does not share your view on porn. We are rather sexual people and enjoy adult entertainment, I consider moderate sensual porn as part of adult entertainment. When we go to Vegas we always go to topless nude shows and we enjoy them a lot. We even went once to a strip club though we did not like it.
> 
> It is like alcohol. Drinking a glass of wine occasionally is fine to me but drinking three shots of hard liquor daily is an alcoholism. Both involves alcohol consumption but in different context, quantities and impact on a man's life. However using illegal drugs or smoking pot even once (we never did this) is totally unacceptable for us while some find occasional smoking pot is fine. So different people have different threshold for different things.
> 
> Maybe you had negative impact of porn on your own life or saw close friend's life ruined by porn. I totally get porn can be devastating, it can become an addiction and some men do use it as a replacement for intimacy and sex with their wives or girlfriends. and this is obviously devastating.


No never had a bad experience of porn because I could never respect or be with a man who thought porn was ok. I do know marriages that were ruined by porn though.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> If she does it for you because she loves you instead of getting something from it for herself sexually is that still a problem for you?


If she says that she feels nothing and she does it only because she loves me, I really do not want her to do this.

If she tell me "I am thrilled to see how much you are enjoying my BJ, I feel so special giving it to you". Then I would be fantastic. And I don't care she is quite during the process, does not moan, etc.

When I give her oral and stimulate her clit, I do not get an orgasm myself. But I do not treat this as a chore. I show her and tell her how amazing it feels to feel her getting wet, how much I enjoy bring her to orgasm. If this were really a chore for me and I would feel nothing doing it, I am pretty sure she should not wan me to do it at all. She could just buy a vibrator. I am really surprised some cannot understand this.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So you want a BJ and you want her to either be soaking from it or to pause and say, “You know I love sucking you off.” or something like that, but you want her to just do that without you asking. Got it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> If she says that she feels nothing and she does it only because she loves me, I really do not want her to do this.
> 
> If she tell me "I am thrilled to see how much you are enjoying my BJ, I feel so special giving it to you". Then I would be fantastic. And I don't care she is quite during the process, does not moan, etc.
> 
> When I give her oral and stimulate her clit, I do not get an orgasm myself. But I do not treat this as a chore. I show her and tell her how amazing it feels to feel her getting wet, how much I enjoy bring her to orgasm. If this were really a chore for me and I would feel nothing doing it, I am pretty sure she should not wan me to do it at all. She could just buy a vibrator. I am really surprised some cannot understand this.


She is clearly quiter and less expressive than you, just accept her as she is.....please.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> If she says that she feels nothing and she does it only because she loves me, I really do not want her to do this.
> 
> If she tell me "I am thrilled to see how much you are enjoying my BJ, I feel so special giving it to you". Then I would be fantastic. And I don't care she is quite during the process, does not moan, etc.
> 
> When I give her oral and stimulate her clit, I do not get an orgasm myself. But I do not treat this as a chore. I show her and tell her how amazing it feels to feel her getting wet, how much I enjoy bring her to orgasm. If this were really a chore for me and I would feel nothing doing it, I am pretty sure she should not wan me to do it at all. She could just buy a vibrator. I am really surprised some cannot understand this.


Then tell her to stop doing it. 

Seriously. You have your own answer. You say she doesn't seem to enjoy it and is only doing it because you like it (how dare she!, had to throw some sarcasm in there). You also say you don't want her do something where she feels nothing and only does it because she loves you (again, how dare she be a loving wife!). Tell her, "honey, it seems like you don't enjoy doing this, so you can just stop." See what she says.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> If she tell me "I am thrilled to see how much you are enjoying my BJ, I feel so special giving it to you". Then I would be fantastic.


What? She's supposed to feel so special? Like you're doing her some big favor letting her blow you? Just wow.

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for this.

Stop. My sides. 😂🤣


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Then tell her to stop doing it.
> 
> Seriously. You have your own answer. You say she doesn't seem to enjoy it and is only doing it because you like it (how dare she!, had to throw some sarcasm in there). You also say you don't want her do something where she feels nothing and only does it because she loves you (again, how dare she be a loving wife!). Tell her, "honey, it seems like you don't enjoy doing this, so you can just stop." See what she says.


Where did I say she does not not enjoy it? Where? I said she does not give me any indication she enjoys it. If I ask her "Are you enjoying this?" she will 100% say "Yes, of cause". We almost never say "no" to each other, we almost never make negative statement towards each other, we never criticize each other. This is just who we are.

As I said if I cook something and she may not like it, if I ask her "Do you like the food?" she would never say "No, I don't like it". She may say something like "it looks fantastic but I am just not hungry now. Do you mind if I do not eat it now?". This would be a hint to me she does not like it which I am completely fine with. I will not offer her this food again, I do not want her to choke and eat it against her will.

Starting questioning her enjoyment with "honey, it seems like you don't enjoy doing this, so you can just stop." is outright rude. If I do this she will probably won't want to give me BJ again. I have no "evidence" she does not like it.

Our problem as I mentioned many times is we never established way to express our deepest sexual feeling and desires to each other. We never discussed what we like, what we don't like, what fantasies we have, what we wan to try. We actually never had any heads on discussions on any "core" fundamental issue, be it how many children to have, when to have them, finances, work arrangement, where to live, etc. We just happened to be fully compatible and on the same page in life for everything so we do not need to discuss anything heads on. But in sex even if we are compatible and in love default silent way is not enough. This is how I feel.



theloveofmylife said:


> What? She's supposed to feel so special? Like you're doing her some big favor letting her blow you? Just wow.
> 
> I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for this.
> 
> Stop. My sides. 😂🤣


Yes, we feel special to be with each other. I feel very specials to share the life with such wonderful, sexy, supportive woman. I feel special she loves me. I feel special to make love to her, give her or orgasms. Many men would dream to do this but only I can do. I told her all of this many times. She feels special that I chose her and love her. She told this to me many times too. She may feel special to give me BJ, only she ever did and only she will ever do. It may be just hard for her to verbalize or express this.

You may not feel this way towards your spouse or SO and it might be hard for you to comprehend how we feel towards each other.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> What? She's supposed to feel so special? Like you're doing her some big favor letting her blow you? Just wow.
> 
> I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for this.
> 
> Stop. My sides. 😂🤣


Where did I say she does not not enjoy it? Where? I said she does not give me any indication she enjoys it. If I ask her "Are you enjoying this?" she will 100% say "Yes, of cause". We almost never say "no" to each other, we almost never make negative statement towards each other, we never criticize each other. This is just who we are.

As I said if I cook something and she may not like it, if I ask her "Do you like the food?" she would never say "No, I don't like it". She may say something like "it looks fantastic but I am just not hungry now. Do you mind if I do not eat it now?". This would be a hint to me she does not like it which I am completely fine with. I will not offer her this food again, I do not want her to choke and eat it against her will.

Starting questioning her enjoyment with "honey, it seems like you don't enjoy doing this, so you can just stop." is outright rude. If I do this she will probably won't want to give me BJ again. I have no "evidence" she does not like it.

Our problem as I mentioned many times is we never established way to express our deepest sexual feeling and desires to each other. We never discussed what we like, what we don't like, what fantasies we have, what we wan to try. We actually never had any heads on discussions on any "core" fundamental issue, be it how many children to have, when to have them, finances, work arrangement, where to live, etc. We just happened to be fully compatible and on the same page in life for everything so we do not need to discuss anything heads on. But in sex even if we are compatible and in love default silent way is not enough. This is how I feel.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> What? She's supposed to feel so special? Like you're doing her some big favor letting her blow you? Just wow.
> 
> I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for this.
> 
> Stop. My sides. 😂🤣


Yes, we feel special to be with each other. I feel very specials to share the life with such wonderful, sexy, supportive woman. I feel special she loves me. I feel special to make love to her, give her or orgasms. Many men would dream to do this but only I can do. I told her all of this many times. She feels special that I chose her and love her. She told this to me many times too. She may feel special to give me BJ, only she ever did and only she will ever do. It may be just hard for her to verbalize or express this.

You may not feel this way towards your spouse or SO and it might be hard for you to comprehend how we feel towards each other.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Where did I say she does not not enjoy it? Where? I said she does not give me any indication she enjoys it. If I ask her "Are you enjoying this?" she will 100% say "Yes, of cause". We almost never say "no" to each other, we almost never make negative statement towards each other, we never criticize each other. This is just who we are.
> 
> As I said if I cook something and she may not like it, if I ask her "Do you like the food?" she would never say "No, I don't like it". She may say something like "it looks fantastic but I am just not hungry now. Do you mind if I do not eat it now?". This would be a hint to me she does not like it which I am completely fine with. I will not offer her this food again, I do not want her to choke and eat it against her will.
> 
> ...


You just totally make a case for her doing it because you want her to and not because she really enjoys it. This and your following post couldn't be more like someone putting a spin on things.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Yes, we feel special to be with each other. I feel very specials to share the life with such wonderful, sexy, supportive woman. I feel special she loves me. I feel special to make love to her, give her or orgasms. Many men would dream to do this but only I can do. I told her all of this many times. She feels special that I chose her and love her. She told this to me many times too. She may feel special to give me BJ, only she ever did and only she will ever do. It may be just hard for her to verbalize or express this.
> 
> You may not feel this way towards your spouse or SO and it might be hard for you to comprehend how we feel towards each other.


You seem to be going in circles. What is it you actually want? You seem to be getting everything you want and if someone days otherwise you disagree, but you still seem to be looking for something. What is it?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You seem to be going in circles. What is it you actually want? You seem to be getting everything you want and if someone days otherwise you disagree, but you still seem to be looking for something. What is it?


Either I do very poor job explaining what my issue is or some folks here fail to understand the specifics and uniqueness of who we are, our relationship and our internal nature and why any straightforward approaches offered here by some will not work for us.

Our marriage is great, I am a very happy man. I know my wife considers herself very happy woman. Our sex life is great. I can get sex almost any time, I get BJ, I perform oral sex, my wife orgasms, we even get orgasms together. All of this is great. But at the same time it is boring because it is the same routine for many many years. It is BOTH great AND boring. and it is silly to say that because it is great I should not even think about changing it and my complain about it being boring is unfounded and I should not even think about change not "to rock the boat" and jeopardize what the great sex life I have. I like eating oats for breakfast and have been eating them for many many years. but it does not matter the oats is THE ONLY food I want to eat for breakfast and I should never even try something new since I many not like it.

But the core problem is not bored sex life. The core problem is we never opened up sexually to each other. I know my wife's body very well but I don't know her sexual soul. And she does not know mine. 

And now why "manning up" and "conventional" heads on straight forward talk with my wife won't work for us.

If I ask her straight forward if she thinks our sex life is good and if she wants to try something new I know that answer 100%. She will tell me everything is perfect and she does not have anything new she wants to try. Basically she will shut down this talk at the beginning. First, I have hard time believing that she being rather sexually active person does not consider our sexual routine that we have been executing for many years bored. but maybe it is the case. But then I want to hear from her more than just "everything is great and I have nothing to add'. I want her to tell me that she likes me giving her an orgasm, she like giving me BJ. etc., I want get this excitement coming from her either verbally or in some other way.

If I ask her "can we try 69, me titf*cking her, etc." she will say "yes", but this does not mean she really wants it or enjoys it. I have some experience to back it up. I asked her several times to read me erotic stories I gave her. She did read but she read them in very monotonous way like she reads me news digest. It does not mean she did not enjoy it, she may not have narrator talent. but again, we both need some way to have honest open conversation if it is something she really likes or not. 

If I tell her "I really enjoy you wearing sexy lingerer, can you wear it for me next time" she may wear it may be once. Why, I don't know. And if I ask her "why would not you wear them, you know how much I like it", she will take it as I am being upset. she may start thinking something is wrong with her, she does not satisfy me, etc. She may start doing something against her will just to make me happy.

I want to repeat again. I don't want us to do anything she does not really enjoy, does not matter how exciting or sexy it sounds. 

However, I want to thank every one who responded to my post. I got few ideas and most important I feel we are not the only one in this situation.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ok, so your problem is really with communication. I've been there and things I've learned from the site where the links below are from have been an incredible help. 

I've linked similar before, but try these:









Why it's important to talk about sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Many couples don't about sex, and we know why. It's embarrassing, awkward and uncomfortable. But it's still important. Here's why.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com













When Is The Best Time To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse? - Uncovering Intimacy


Is sex difficult to talk about in your marriage? Wondering when the best time to talk about sex with your spouse is? Here's a simple tip to help start.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com













37 Sex Questions for spouses to ask each other - Uncovering Intimacy


Looking for a way to boost your physical intimacy in marriage? Here is a two page pdf with 37 sex questions for spouses to ask each other.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com





There is more, but that is a great start.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Either I do very poor job explaining what my issue is or some folks here fail to understand the specifics and uniqueness of who we are, our relationship and our internal nature and why any straightforward approaches offered here by some will not work for us.
> 
> Our marriage is great, I am a very happy man. I know my wife considers herself very happy woman. Our sex life is great. I can get sex almost any time, I get BJ, I perform oral sex, my wife orgasms, we even get orgasms together. All of this is great. But at the same time it is boring because it is the same routine for many many years. It is BOTH great AND boring. and it is silly to say that because it is great I should not even think about changing it and my complain about it being boring is unfounded and I should not even think about change not "to rock the boat" and jeopardize what the great sex life I have. I like eating oats for breakfast and have been eating them for many many years. but it does not matter the oats is THE ONLY food I want to eat for breakfast and I should never even try something new since I many not like it.
> 
> ...


And why just me doing certain things heads on may not work and may actually damage our sexual relationship. I cannot just grab her and move her into position to do 69 (not to say just come on her face). If do and then I feel that she does not really want it or despise it, this will hurt me a lot. Some may not get it but this is the nature of who I am. I cannot have the list of things to try and just move on to next one if she does not like previous one. I need some sort of hint and assurance that she is open to this prior to me trying. I have no problem though taking the lead and moving her body into any position. Basically when we move from one position to another in our routine I do this all the time.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> You may not feel this way towards your spouse or SO and it might be hard for you to comprehend how we feel towards each other.


Well, if he thought he was doing me a favor by allowing me to service him, no I wouldn't feel too special. 

No offense, but I don't think you two honestly know how you feel about each other, since neither of you seem to be speaking your mind about anything. You both seem to agree for the sake of agreeing, and at all costs. 

Every marriage has disagreements or differences of opinion, likes/dislikes, etc. As long as these are communicated lovingly, it's not a problem. Never sharing these things could lead to problems, if you ask me.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

To the OP...I get what you are saying and your desires but in my opinion, I would just keep doing what your are doing as long as your wife keeps saying "Yes". I know you want HER to enjoy things too and thats good that you do but at some point she may stop saying Yes and say No to things like a bj and then you are really going to be asking what happened.

The reality is you are fortunate she does things like that (many women don't) so while she may not be showing its all that exiciting for her, go with it anyway!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

aaarghdub said:


> Some experts say if a couple can’t talk about sex openly and in a positive way, you do not have true emotional intimacy.


Agreed. 100%


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It seems to me that sex is not your wife's number 1 priority. She enjoys it, she would try new things if you asked, but sex doesn't have the same value for her. 



> Some experts say if a couple can’t talk about sex openly and in a positive way, you do not have true emotional intimacy.


I do agree with the above too. The trouble is, it's human nature to want more and more. I am the same, but at one point I had to stop myself because it was ruining my life and our relationship. Yes, boredom is a killer, but the are worse things in life than being a bit bored in bed. You have a beautiful wife. Don't spoil it. I did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> It seems to me that sex is not your wife's number 1 priority. She enjoys it, she would try new things if you asked, but sex doesn't have the same value for her.
> 
> 
> 
> I do agree with the above too. The trouble is, it's human nature to want more and more. I am the same, but at one point I had to stop myself because it was ruining my life and our relationship. Yes, boredom is a killer, but the are worse things in life than being a bit bored in bed. You have a beautiful wife. Don't spoil it. I did.


I am blessed then because my laid back, very easy to please and easy going Aussie husband is just the same with sex. At times I have asked him if there was anything new I could do/wear that he would like. He always says that he is more than happy with what we do and enjoys it. He has great contentment in his life generally which helps. We both do.

He also doesn't watch porn which makes a massive difference.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> It seems to me that sex is not your wife's number 1 priority. She enjoys it, she would try new things if you asked, but sex doesn't have the same value for her.


I would not agree with this statement. Sex is very important part of our lives. But it is probably not 1 priority for me either. My love, affection and passion for her is my 1 priority in my life. I treat sex not just as physical act to meet my sexual needs but as a way to express my love to her in most intimate deepest way. That's why it is so important for me her pleasure and satisfaction. 

If we do not have sex for a week or more (happens some times due to the reason outside of our control) when we do it she often tell me she missed me sexually.



> Some experts say if a couple can’t talk about sex openly and in a positive way, you do not have true emotional intimacy.


I probably agree to this. I really do not know why we lived together for so many years, have such deep emotional connection, such happy marriage and never managed to open up sexually to each other. It is a mystery to me. It is my fault as I never initiated this discussion. I have always been shy around girls and never managed how to approach or talk to them. I was even shy around her initially when we met and I know it was the reason it took her few years to develop that deep relationship because I could not make the decisive move and there were situations when we were very close. This is my biggest regret in my life.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> No offense, but I don't think you two honestly know how you feel about each other, since neither of you seem to be speaking your mind about anything. You both seem to agree for the sake of agreeing, and at all costs.
> 
> Every marriage has disagreements or differences of opinion, likes/dislikes, etc. As long as these are communicated lovingly, it's not a problem. Never sharing these things could lead to problems, if you ask me.


I do not agree with this. We do have differences, we do have different opinions, we are very comfortable to bring them up to each other and discuss them. We just never had a situation when we had to resort to argument, not to say a fight to resolve our differences. We read different books, we like different TV channels, we even prefer vastly different temperature at home. My wife's ideal temperature is 80 degrees while mine is 70. But I do not want her to be shivering cold and she does not want me to sweat so we keep it in 76-78 range. It was very easy to discuss this and come up with middle ground, we never had to fight or argue about this. If we watch TV, I can just say "Let watch a game and then we can watch your recorded show" and she never says "no", though she does not care about sports and I do no care about any shows she likes. If she says "can we watch this" I always say "Yes" because it is more important for me to cuddle with her on the love seat watching something together even if I personally do not like it. 

In our marriage I am in active role and she is passive (passive, not submissive). I initiate and make most decisions and she is very comfortable with this. Bui I never make these decisions unilaterally. I always discuss it with her and make sure she knows about them and is comfortable with them. Even about those she might not care about.

We absolutely do not have problem with communications, except about sex. I am very comfortable around her and I can bring up my weakness, my frustrations at work or with kids. I know she never puts me down, makes me feel bad, laughs at me, does not matter how weird it is, she always supports me in anything I do in my life. It feels so incredibly great and I love her for this beyond any word can describe. I do the same for her. she can bring and tell me things that is very touchy for her (she is very sensitive about her appearance and how she looks) and I always reinforce her self image and confidence. 

It is just sex where we could not find way to be as open as we are open everywhere else. 

But we do fight our kids sometimes, and I did fight other people in my life. so I cannot say we never fight anyone ever. It is just weird that we sometimes have to fight with our own kids who we love so much but we never fight with each other. Our kids sometimes complain why we always take each other's side and never their side. They always know that if they pick up a fight with on parent they automatically get that fight with both of them.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

OP I think your issue is so unique, it's unrelatable to most and being interpreted as 'never satisfied'.

You've openly admitted you and your wife are hypersensitive - good on you to admit something that's so difficult to disclose. 

Given that fact, it's nearly impossible for you to go from 5 to 100 in your sex communications in an instant, "man up" "get a life" or "just do it". In the beginning of your relationship, this might have been possible, but now the two of you are entrenched. 

This is a dynamic that's been set up from the beginning, not an entirely one-sided issue where the OP is completely in the driver's seat at this point. 

If I read between the lines, you are also looking out for that dynamic to improve, not just for your fulfillment wish list. 

There is the opinion that you have everything, and you should just be satisfied. But the thing is you do not - you don't want to end up in a scenario where your WIFE winds up bored after 30 years and never told you. Maybe has an affair with a man that does so much more with her. 

You DO need to become more assertive in this area, but you're going to have to ease into it much more than the average person.

I suggest you read the book "Mating In Captivity", and then the "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" in that order. 

The first book will let you see what's going on behind the scenes. The second will guide towards some tactics that you can modify for your situation to overcome the "carefulness" that's infected your communication re sex, which is the root of your problem.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I would not agree with this statement. Sex is very important part of our lives. But it is probably not 1 priority for me either.


So you are saying that sex is not your number 1 priorities in your lives. Fine. But I still do think that you are more interested in sex than your wife, hence the misalignment.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Then you start doing little thing differently to see how she liked it. Watch some pod casts or read blogs. Been together 25 yrs and in the last year i have learned new tricks that have blown her mind and flipped a switch in her that she craves. Made her talk like i am some kind of sexual god so to speak. That i have taken her places she never knew existed.


Care to share some links?


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## spoink47 (Jun 20, 2021)

My solution to sexual boredom was the submission of the ego. Finally surrendering to something greater and a willingness to let go of the illusion of control.
The ideas of my ego told me nothing good would ever come of this, but my experience told me differently. My experience let me know that it is okay to love fully and to live with an open heart. It showed me that avoiding hurt is not my purpose. Pain is nothing to be afraid of. I do experience hurt, disappointment, anger, and frustration etc…, but the experience of openness is far greater than any emotional suffering.
Sex with familiarity is not for the faint of heart. Perhaps it is the terrifying nature of this level of intimacy that makes it easier to look for sexual excitement elsewhere rather than finding it in the ordinariness of the person who you love. Boredom is perhaps the coping mechanism that provides a safety rail around the infinite abyss of pure connection and oneness — A state of mind that transcends the individual to the impersonal and shrinks the personal down to size.
It might seem easier to look elsewhere for pleasure instead of confronting the humbling realization of the impermanence of the self and the paradoxically intense psychological experience that is created by something that doesn’t even exist in any permanent way.
It may seem prudent to observe the safety rail of boredom.
There is no right or wrong, but it is important to recognize that familiarity is not the cause of decreased libido in women or men. Fear of intimacy is the culprit. Familiarity actually creates the perfect container to explore uncharted territory and to surrender to new levels of closeness. To be present and connected. To be open. To give and receive love, not just the personal love of human emotions, but also the impersonal love that is our being. To dissolve into that and merge into the experience of it.
The recommendations from psychologists to address sexual boredom is to explore sexuality outside of monogamy in small ways or to bring the frisson on newness back into the bedroom, but playing games does not address the fear of intimacy. If you want to be in a long-term monogamous relationship and to enjoy sex, my suggestion instead of playing games is to jump fully into the relationship with an open heart and to fully embrace the vulnerability of that.
See what sex is like when you launch from a comfortable place into the unknown and surrender to the pleasure that dissolves boundaries of space and time. There is nothing like the ego’s disintegration to allow for pleasure to be amplified and magnified. What is available in the familiar is a sexual intimacy that is ordinary and ecstatic. The sacred and the mundane. All that is needed is a willingness to run bare naked through the flames of your deepest fears of rejection and unworthiness into the arms of your beloved.
Sex toys can be a great addition to a healthy sex life. There are many types of sex toys on the market, and finding one that is stimulating to both partners can make good sex even better.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> Care to share some links?


Search YouTube for Caitlin V(esp method for sq. orgasm) and a blogger named Charles Black(British) on oral sex methods(drove her wild)


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I need some sort of hint and assurance that she is open to this prior to me trying.


YOu say she is willing to try anything that you want -- that IS a hint and assurance that she is open to YOU leading and trying something. DURING/AFTER, you NEED to talk about what the new thing is/was -- did you like it? what didn't you like about it, how could we change that to make it better for you..... NONE of that should 'offend' her or hurt her.


romantic_dreamer said:


> If we do not have sex for a week or more (happens some times due to the reason outside of our control) when we do it she often tell me she missed me sexually.


Again, another hint that she's in to it -- she may just not be expressive sexually.


romantic_dreamer said:


> In our marriage I am in active role and she is passive (passive, not submissive). I initiate and make most decisions and she is very comfortable with this.


Again, she wants YOU to do the suggesting and implementation here -- so DO that. TRY something, with discussion.
Sometimes the best time TO talk about sex is DURING sex if you can't bring it up outside the bedroom comfortably.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

spoink47 said:


> All that is needed is a willingness to run bare naked through the flames of your deepest fears of rejection and unworthiness into the arms of your beloved.


Love it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I would not agree with this statement. Sex is very important part of our lives. But it is probably not 1 priority for me either. My love, affection and passion for her is my 1 priority in my life. I treat sex not just as physical act to meet my sexual needs but as a way to express my love to her in most intimate deepest way. That's why it is so important for me her pleasure and satisfaction.
> 
> If we do not have sex for a week or more (happens some times due to the reason outside of our control) when we do it she often tell me she missed me sexually.
> 
> ...


Don't dwell on the past. There are plenty of things I would have liked to do different in the past, but think about where you are today. Everything you done so far has brought you to this point and you actually seem to be in a pretty good place. Just move forward and break the ice with sexual discussions. I'm telling you, the first time is the most difficult, but it gets easier every time.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> And for me not knowing what she really likes and enjoying or if she is doing this just for sake of satisfying me is terrifying and prevents me from doing anything new. It is hard for me to explain. I can tell you if it turns out my wife has been giving me BJs just to satisfy me for 20 years and she really considers all these years to be "chore" it would be totally devastating to me. I don't think I would be able to to love her as much as I do now or be sexual with her.


Are you always this dramatic? This is not a normal thought process. How could she ever feel comfortable telling you her likes and dislikes if your reaction is to be “devastated” and not love her the same anymore? Why would she ever want to alter your routine when clearly you are not a safe emotional partner in that area. I truly believe you would benefit from therapy to address your catastrophic thinking. 

How is she supposed to know if she likes something or not without trying it? She could be brave and tell you she wants to try something new and end up not liking it in practice. Then what? You are still in the same place where you don’t know if she is doing it just because you liked the new thing. 

I would be massively hurt if I found out my husband doesn’t trust me as much as you clearly don’t trust your wife. You don’t trust her with your feelings or her own. But you expect her to introduce something new, take that risk and trust your reaction? This circular logic you have crippled yourself with is not doing either of you good. 

Your own statements show that your fears are unfounded. You have introduced things like reading erotica and lingerie that your wife was open to trying and those didn’t seem to kill her self esteem or ruin your existing sex life. They also didn’t take off as things that she majorly loved (whether she hated them or was just indifferent is unknown). Doesn’t that tell you that she is open to trying new things and won’t just continue with them to make you happy?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> OP I think your issue is so unique, it's unrelatable to most and being interpreted as 'never satisfied'.


Thank you. I think you are part of minority ho understands uniqueness of our personalities, our marriage and our problem.



Quad73 said:


> In the beginning of your relationship, this might have been possible, but now the two of you are entrenched.


Yes, I know that. And I regret we did not create sexual verbal communication channel. Since from the beginning it was me who initiated everything in our relationship it should have been me who should have started this talk. Unfortunately I did not do it. At the beginning we were very young and I was sexually inexperienced. We connected everywhere very easy and we had a lot in our sex life, a lot more that other people and specifically men have. I probably took this as a sign as everything was great and it was stupid to chase more. I regret this a lot.




Quad73 said:


> There is the opinion that you have everything, and you should just be satisfied. But the thing is you do not - you don't want to end up in a scenario where your WIFE winds up bored after 30 years and never told you. Maybe has an affair with a man that does so much more with her.


Thank you again for trying to understand my position. It is possible to be both happy and wish more. There is nothing wrong with it. 

I know she will never betray me and see any fulfillment outside of our marriage. But it is very possible she wants more too and she may have her fantasies and unfulfilled desires I don't know about. It would be really devastating for both of us if when we will be dying together we will finally admit to each other we had many sexual dreams that we never managed to share with each other.



Quad73 said:


> You DO need to become more assertive in this area, but you're going to have to ease into it much more than the average person.
> 
> I suggest you read the book "Mating In Captivity", and then the "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" in that order.
> 
> The first book will let you see what's going on behind the scenes. The second will guide towards some tactics that you can modify for your situation to overcome the "carefulness" that's infected your communication re sex, which is the root of your problem.


This is all true. I just need to find the time and the way to communicate my concerns to her and open her up. This is not easy for me and probably for her too but this is the only way to change this dynamics.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Where did I say she does not not enjoy it? Where? I said she does not give me any indication she enjoys it. If I ask her "Are you enjoying this?" she will 100% say "Yes, of cause". We almost never say "no" to each other, we almost never make negative statement towards each other, we never criticize each other. This is just who we are.
> 
> As I said if I cook something and she may not like it, if I ask her "Do you like the food?" she would never say "No, I don't like it". She may say something like "it looks fantastic but I am just not hungry now. Do you mind if I do not eat it now?". This would be a hint to me she does not like it which I am completely fine with. I will not offer her this food again, I do not want her to choke and eat it against her will.
> 
> ...


I do think you just want to debate this forever.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> This is all true. I just need to find the time and the way to communicate my concerns to her and open her up. This is not easy for me and probably for her too but this is the only way to change this dynamics.


Read the books by yourself. They will help you immensely in finding the words to say naturally.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> This boggles my mind. As a person who gives BJ's I don't see any way this would work well.


Yeah, I had a hard time with it as I was typing but wanted to throw something that's out of the box for them, just to see. Everything else has been said. 🙄


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This entire thread is just you trying to protect yourself in case your wife says she doesn’t enjoy something about sex with you. You can want all the extra spice but your too scared to discover possible truths if you go down that road of discussion. Your only protecting yourself. I bet your wife can wear her big girl panties just fine and is more than capable of having that discussion.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

*romantic_dreamer*
you picked your name very well , you remind me and you paint the picture of your wife as two people that want to go to the sea side you pack the car with all types of stuff many has nothing to do with sea side games both go out jump into the back seat of the car and wait for a driver to mind read where you wish to go , and if a driver happened to come along and drives you to the shops you thank him for his kindness and stay in the car , 

time to stop been a dreamer and become a leader , dreamers are often the one that get left by the other because the other wants excitement and think the other is happy in their boring life 

you have no idea just how dangerous it is to assume you know what the other person thinks and feels how many happy couples brake up after retirement age


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> She knows I admire her in sexy lingerie or high heels but she never puts them on for me herself. She does put them on if I ask her but I do not feel it is right to ask her to do this. *I would be way more excited if she surprised me herself.*


*THAT* right there is the dynamic that is a serious problem. You are asking your wife to take responsibility for your arousal and pleasure. In turn this allows you to blame her when something could have been better. 

The reality is that YOU have to take responsibility for your own pleasure and SHARE that with her. If something doesn't go right, you adapt and continue to be creative about how you explore that intimately and share it with your spouse. DO NOT hold her responsible for your pleasure, you need to be more emotionally mature and take responsibility yourself. You lead by example and one day she may gain confidence to enjoy really knowing you and how to playfully twist your mind into a sexual pretzel of unexpected pleasure. 

Ideally you want her to do the same and convey exactly what she wants. Perhaps she enjoys things when they are simple and natural. That should not be considered a limitation for your desires if that is the case, but more of a creative challenge to share your desires in a way that she experiences them in a simple and natural way. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## JTK-NCC1701 (Jul 21, 2020)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I have a question for couples who have been married or in strong long happy loving relationship. Do you feel your sex life has become a routine? I guess most do with years. How do you deal with it? What did you try, what boundaries do you push? How did you even discuss this?
> 
> My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we married young in our early 20s, built life from zero, we are now in our mid-40s. We have great, passionate loving marriage. If there are soulmates, it is us. We hug, kiss each other many times a day, tell each other many love words, do many big and little things for each other.
> 
> ...



No sex anymore for the last 15 years in my marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

JTK-NCC1701 said:


> No sex anymore for the last 15 years in my marriage.


That’s about 14 years of your fault.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

JTK-NCC1701 said:


> No sex anymore for the last 15 years in my marriage.


What? No sex for 15 years?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

JTK-NCC1701 said:


> No sex anymore for the last 15 years in my marriage.


So why on the world are you still married? Unless there is a health issue there is no excuse for that. Even with a health issue you could come up with something. I don't understand how anyone can live in a sexless marriage. I know there is more to marriage than sex, but for me it is the glue that holds the relationship together.


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## JTK-NCC1701 (Jul 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So why on the world are you still married? Unless there is a health issue there is no excuse for that. Even with a health issue you could come up with something. I don't understand how anyone can live in a sexless marriage. I know there is more to marriage than sex, but for me it is the glue that holds the relationship together.


Well, its not easy, but I love my family and my kids and don't want to hurt anybody. If I would go my wife would have to pay alimony. My chances to find a better women are zero. All my life I've had the experience that the women I sexually desire and / or fall in love with are too stressful and unbearable in everyday life, maybe borderliners? I experience a lot of harmony and trust with my wife, but she has never stimulated me sexually.


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## JTK-NCC1701 (Jul 21, 2020)

I would like to have an affair, but most women my age (57) want a steady relationship again and some youngsters want to have children and I don't want that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

JTK-NCC1701 said:


> Well, its not easy, but I love my family and my kids and don't want to hurt anybody. If I would go my wife would have to pay alimony. My chances to find a better women are zero. All my life I've had the experience that the women I sexually desire and / or fall in love with are too stressful and unbearable in everyday life, maybe borderliners? I experience a lot of harmony and trust with my wife, but she has never stimulated me sexually.


So neither of you have any outlet for sexual desire? And you're living with this because you have such low self-esteem that you believe this is what you deserve. I hope you realize that is a truly sad existence. Have you considered getting therapy for yourself?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

JTK-NCC1701 said:


> Well, its not easy, but I love my family and my kids and don't want to hurt anybody. If I would go my wife would have to pay alimony. My chances to find a better women are zero. All my life I've had the experience that the women I sexually desire and / or fall in love with are too stressful and unbearable in everyday life, maybe borderliners? I experience a lot of harmony and trust with my wife, but she has never stimulated me sexually.


It’s you whom doesn’t want sex from her?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

JTK-NCC1701 said:


> I would like to have an affair, but most women my age (57) want a steady relationship again and some youngsters want to have children and I don't want that.


Your wife would be open to an affair? Is she having an affair?


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## JTK-NCC1701 (Jul 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So neither of you have any outlet for sexual desire? And you're living with this because you have such low self-esteem that you believe this is what you deserve. I hope you realize that is a truly sad existence. Have you considered getting therapy for yourself?


Sure I want sex, but not with my wife and I will never leave or destroy my family.


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## JTK-NCC1701 (Jul 21, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> It’s you whom doesn’t want sex from her?


Yes.


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## JTK-NCC1701 (Jul 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your wife would be open to an affair? Is she having an affair?


Not officially and yes I guess she has an affair from time to time. I couldn't find an affair.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

JTK-NCC1701 said:


> Yes.


Have y’all spoken about it? How does she feel about a sexless marriage?


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## JTK-NCC1701 (Jul 21, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Have y’all spoken about it? How does she feel about a sexless marriage?


yes for many years without a solution. She is also not happy but also not willing to style up sexy. That would help me, but she thinks I would objectifying her.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

JTK-NCC1701 said:


> yes for many years without a solution. She is also not happy but also not willing to style up sexy. That would help me, but she thinks I would objectifying her.


Well y’all seem to be making it work. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## JTK-NCC1701 (Jul 21, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Well y’all seem to be making it work. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Well, now I know that it is true what I said as a teenager: "I don't need a women, because I have my hands"


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