# Embarrassing hook up with mutual friend from university



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I haven't been to a party or club in 2 years so I jumped at the opportunity when a friend invited me over to his on a Friday. 

I was the only girl there and got carried away, I won't say but I took too much too soon and was out of it. One of the cute guys there was flirting with me. He invited me over to his and in my intoxicated state, it seemed like a great fun idea. Mind you, I am still not over my STBX and have only been with one guy since in the span of a year. I know how fragile and unstable I am which is why I avoid partying and guys in general. 

I got to his place, and immediately I regretted my decision but went along with it regardless. At this point, I was coming down and feeling AWFUL, my body was extremely sore. I stopped him after a few minutes and we continued after but a lot of it was a fuzzy mess that I don't recall too clearly. In reality, I was disinterested and did not enjoy myself and wanted it to end as soon as possible. The sex did not last even 10 minutes before I said I wanted to stop. 

I had asked him to use a condom but he didn't want to and somehow I went along with it, he even wanted to have anal and tried ramming in it several times before I told him to stop repeatedly. I must've passed out not long after but remember him leaving his room.

I then woke up in his bed all by myself with the worst migraine and shivers, and poor vision as I had removed my contact lenses. Without any cash, I had to walk in the wintery cold to a bus stop some 15 minutes away. I felt so used and miserable and guilt for forgoing my sobriety and making such a bad decision. 

I don't want any condenscending comments on my lack of moral character or anyone preaching their own values upon me, none of that. I made a mistake and I own up to it. I just feel really awful that I was disrespected the way I was and also embarrassed at how horrible I must've been in bed and as company?! I now fear he will tell those in my social circle how awful my sex was and how pathetic I am. I know this is a very childish thing to fuss over but I am 24 and have BPD so I am easily affected by others' judgement and a paranoid person in general.

How does one get over an embarrassing ONS, and preserve their dignity enough to move on and not give 2 hoots?? I don't want to be labelled as a loser dead fish who can't keep up! I was really intoxicated and not that into it, and now I miss my ex again


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jesus. You told him to stop like 10 times and he didn't. You are NOT the one who should feel embarrassed. Please don't worry about how they will label you. If your friends are going to judge you when you told the guy no and stop and he didn't they are *******s and you need better friends. I don't want to get into a debate if it was rape or not, you seem to feel it wasn't but whatever it is called the guy is not a good choice just the same, to put it nicely. Don't see this guy again. 

Louise, you have posted on here before, you seem to be really struggling with the end of your marriage and all that brings. You really should go get some counseling. This is starting to really hurt you. I am not judging you, I get that you are broken up and insecure about your marriage failing and your ex, but you would do better to stop looking to quick sex and hookup culture (I remember you post about the 18 year old), drugs and alcohol to make you feel better. It's only going to hurt you in the long run. Look you need to admit to yourself that you are morning. And morn. Then you really need to find more edifying things to put your effort into. Things that don't leave you feeling worse. 

Look no one should be treated like that. You are worth a lot more then that. You are important to your daughter. I'm sorry this happened to you.

One more thing, if you are worried that you will never get over your ex, YOU WILL. I promise you. It just takes time, you have to start operating on faith. Stop making decisions like there is no hope left. Look I get it, I remember it, but you are wrong. You will still have lots of joy in your life, but you have to be careful and stop doing things that make it harder to get there.

Have you started to work on a long term strategy for managing your BPD? Medications, and psychiatrist and such? You think maybe you might be self medicating with the things you are doing and the drugs you are taking?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You just went through one of life's learning lessons ~ please choose your "friends" more wisely!

Unfortunately, there's not really that much that you can do about his brazen behavior other than by telling your mutual friends!

At this juncture, your ex may actually be your best friend now! Confide in him!*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Why would you want to not give "two hoots"? You should care an entire symphony of hoots, because when you don't care you repeat the same mistakes over and over. You need to never put yourself in that situation again, if that means no partying then so be it. I quit drinking when I was 22 because my actions embarrassed me, I'm 57 now and know it was one of the best decisions of my life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

People are going to think what they think. You can't stop this. All you can do is carry on with your head held high and don't repeat the behavior if you know it will hurt you. 

You'll probably find this a condescending remark, but I don't care. Only you are responsible for your safety and security. If you can't respect yourself enough to be careful, why would you draw in a man who respects your safety? You'll attract just the opposite. And that's unfortunately what happened.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Aside from the issues with whether this guy raped you and the issues with how this will affect your social standing, you should be concerned about not getting yourself into situations like this in the future. I recommend that you quit doing drugs or at least restrict yourself to safe environments. As you should now recognize, you take an awful risk when you do that.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Louise McCann said:


> I had asked him to use a condom but he didn't want to and somehow I went along with it, he even wanted to have anal and tried ramming in it several times before I told him to stop repeatedly. I must've passed out not long after but remember him leaving his room.
> 
> (


Dear god,

Your're worried about what he might tell people?

You should be worried about STD/STI. or even a tear somewhere if he was just ramming it in.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

First thing is you need to realize if you feel you made a mistake then that’s what it was a mistake, not intentionally doing something wrong but an honest mistake. Many have been in your shoes. He may have left and now feels the same way you do...embarrassed. The only real mistake is to not learn from our mistakes. 

So ONS aren’t your thing ...that’s fine don’t put yourself in a position to have one again.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Many a man and woman have woken up after a night of drinking regretting what they did the night before. Myself included. You’re not a bad person.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some guy took advantage of you when you were intoxicated. That is all HIS doing and fault. You are not to blame here.

If you do drink in the future though, be sure to do it around people you can trust.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *You just went through one of life's learning lessons ~ please choose your "friends" more wisely!
> 
> Unfortunately, there's not really that much that you can do about his brazen behavior other than by telling your mutual friends!
> 
> At this juncture, your ex may actually be your best friend now! Confide in him!*


I have no contact with my ex who is a deadbeat dad. He hasn't seen my daughter since she was 3 weeks' old, she is now 10 months'.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> I don't want any condenscending comments on my lack of moral character or anyone preaching their own values upon me, none of that. I made a mistake and I own up to it. I just feel really awful that I was disrespected the way I was and also embarrassed at how horrible I must've been in bed and as company?! I now fear he will tell those in my social circle how awful my sex was and how pathetic I am. I know this is a very childish thing to fuss over but I am 24 and have BPD so I am easily affected by others' judgement and a paranoid person in general.
> 
> How does one get over an embarrassing ONS, and preserve their dignity enough to move on and not give 2 hoots?? I don't want to be labelled as a loser dead fish who can't keep up! I was really intoxicated and not that into it, and now I miss my ex again


Dear @Louise McCann,

I read about your experience and I immediately felt your pain. That sounds like an awful experience. And if you have a history of uncomfortable sexual experiences, this one may have triggered bad memories and even more ewwy feelings that you really don't want to have to deal with right now. Not to mention, your stomach is in knots just thinking about how others will react if they find out. It's bad enough that you feel so alone after this experience, the judgment of others will only serve to alienate you further. 

This is where your BPD treatment comes in Louise. Have you gotten any serious counselling for your BPD? If so, what tools have you been taught to implement in response to flare ups that could result from situations like this? I’ll let you in on one of the tools that I find really effective and could help you in a situation like this. Now this is going to be long but knowing you have BPD, I wanted to be very clear and share as much information as possible. So while I can't be there to give you a big hug that you probably need so badly right now, take my response as a token of the love and warmth I'm sending you from afar in this difficult time you're going through right now.

This is one of my favourites tools:

Rules for the Road
1.	Change Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs) to Positive Automatic Thoughts (PATs)
2.	Do not assume 
3.	Do not be a victim
4.	Do not follow the fireflies
5.	Know yourself/ Utilize acceptance paradox


1.	Change Negative Automatic Thoughts to Positive Automatic Thoughts
Most of our thoughts happen automatically and for that reason we don’t usually pay them any mind. That can be a bad thing, especially for people with BPD because these automatic thoughts can get very negative. You yourself pointed out one of your NATs related to this situation: ‘You may be labelled as a loser dead fish who can’t keep up’. Where did that negative automatic thought come from? What about your past/your beliefs has contributed to that negative thought? How likely do you think it is that someone without your history/BPD would think something like that in response to the situation at hand? I’m not so sure that the average person would think that at all Louise - a rational person would not judge your sexual performance based on a drunken experience, a rational person’s mind would immediately be a bit disturbed by the whole experience and the last thing they would think about is your sexual prowess in the midst of an unwanted sexual experience. 

Once you start recognizing these NATs, they become easier to spot and easier to challenge. Not only are they usually absurd, they inadvertently lead to self-doubt and anxiety. If you run an online search for NATs, you’ll find that they have the following common characteristics:
-	They are always negative
-	They make you feel bad about yourself
-	They are self-sabotaging
-	They are uninvited
-	They are believable
-	They are biased

NATs: You deserved it because you have poor judgment and make bad decisions; he’s going to tell everyone you’re a loser dead fish; why did this have to happen to you; nobody cares about you; you’re horrible company; you suck in bed…
PATs: It could have been a lot worse, you could’ve been gang raped or killed, you could’ve ended up in the hospital or on the news; who cares what he tells other people, you can speak up for yourself just as well as he can; you’re not a loser dead fish, he is for trying to have sex with someone who’s drunk, how lame is that?; at least you can use this opportunity to learn from your mistake and make sure this never happens again, how much more difficult would that be if your situation was way worse…

These negative thoughts aren’t helping you Louise. They serve no purpose but to reiterate those feelings of distrust and rejection that you developed during childhood. Now they may have been legitimate responses to experiences you had back then but they do not belong in your life today. If you listen to these thoughts, they’re going to keep you in a negative loop that keeps you passive and helpless. By engaging these thoughts, you’re prolonging your period of healing. These thoughts are in your head, only you have control over them. How much negative crap are you willing to just believe about yourself/your situation/the people around you just because some random nagging voice in the back of your head says it’s so. Screw those voices Louise! Identify as many of them as you can, and say **** YOU to every one of those nasty negative thoughts.

2.	Do not assume 
Do not make assumptions about the thoughts and behaviors of others. You’re automatically going to assume the worst. Things almost never play out the way we imagine for that reason. It is likely that the future reality is somewhere in between the worst that you can imagine, and the best possible way things will turn out.

3.	Do not be a victim
This to me, is the most valuable piece of advice in all of this. We BPDers have a terrible habit of getting stuck in a victim mentality. I’ve found that I automatically go into victim mode the instant I’m faced with what I perceive as rejection. You probably feel a tremendous amount of rejection after that experience, and the negative responses you may get from this forum will only exacerbate that feeling. 

Understand that while it is easy to view yourself as a victim, that mentality is only going to leave you feeling overwhelmed and without any control of your situation. The world isn’t fair Louise, and you’re not a helpless child who needs saving from Mum and Dad. You have far more power than that, and you have the ability to step away from the passivity and negativity that cripples you as a victim and shift into actively coping with what happened. Yes, you have that personal power Louise! See those NATs above, these are the super critical inner voices that promote those nasty victimized feelings that aren’t constructive at all.

Now I’m not saying that you’re wrong to feel bad about what happened. You’re absolutely justified in feeling used, dirty, ashamed, angry, sad, and disappointed in yourself etc. All of those feelings are normal, indeed if you didn’t feel any of these things, we’d wonder if something was wrong with you! So while you may have little control over these feelings showing up, you have full control over how these feelings manifest themselves physically. In my counselling sessions, we talk a lot about the cyclical BPD response to triggers. It goes something like this:

Trigger - - > Belief System - - > Feelings - - > Internal Organs - - > Behaviors

Once these negative feelings erupt in response to the situation you experienced, they manifest themselves in the way your body feels and the way you behave. When I had little control over my BPD I would experience frequent panic attacks, feeling like my chest is caving in, heart pounding, stomach in knots, loss of appetite and insomnia in response to triggers. Think about how much these symptoms, compounded over time, will affect your health. You are hurting your body every time you allow your feelings to take over and take hold of your internal organs. 

Likewise, you are allowing your feelings to take over if you choose to behave like a victim. When you choose to be scared of what others will say, when you choose to worry about what they guy will think of your sexual performance, when you choose to let this affect your dignity. 

4.	Do not follow the fireflies
Louise, you know that you have BPD. Even people without disorders respond negatively to triggers that relate to past bad experiences. Not only do you have way more triggers than the average person, you are way more susceptible to the emotional fallouts resulting from these triggers. You know what happens when you allow yourself to respond to triggers. You feel crappy emotionally and physically, and that makes you feel alienated and when things get really intense, you feel like you’re going crazy! An ongoing cycle of negativity. If you recognize that these things happen, you learn to pinpoint situations that result in these things happening, then you should be able to stop it from going there. 

Do not follow the fireflies, meaning don’t react to the triggers. So you may see some responses on the forum that aren’t helpful, stop reading as soon as it starts getting negative. Don’t allow NATs to take over, don’t allow someone’s negative response to turn into a rollercoaster of emotions inside you. Find a way to distract yourself and get your mind out of there. For me, that means putting on one of my favorite songs real loud and dancing away or calling my partner whose jovial mood almost always lifts me up. Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself from the trigger and the negative thoughts you know will follow.

5.	Know yourself/ Utilize acceptance paradox
You know that you have BPD Louise. You should also be aware of how your BPD affects the way you think and the way you process things (belief system). What are your weaknesses? What your strengths? It is so important to know yourself and accept you for who you are. Recognize that your past experiences, especially those that contributed to your BPD, are out of your control. Your feelings, even though they are hyped up by your BPD, they are valid but they too are out of your control. When you tell yourself that it is ok to think about these things and feel what you feel, you begin to accept yourself and you learn to be more self-compassionate. And with a world of rejection triggers to deal with, you’ll need all the compassion you can get. 

What are some of the things you need to accept about yourself in this situation: You made a mistake. You put yourself in a dangerous position when you drink; As someone with BPD, you have a high need for acceptance/validation, and it’s possible that you seek validation through sex; When you drink, you’re not in control and you relinquish that control to people around you who can hurt you; As someone with BPD, you’re impulsive particularly in social settings. 

So accept your innate weaknesses Louise, the weaknesses that facilitated a situation like what happened. It’s ok to have weaknesses but once you recognize them, the onus is on you to change your behavior. You now know that you risk putting yourself in a bad situation when you drink more than a certain amount. So what are you going to do about that moving forward? Don’t waste your time feeling bad about these weaknesses, focus on recognizing them and establishing boundaries to prevent them from channeling into poor decisions, mistakes and regrets. Perhaps you need to quit drinking altogether. Perhaps you need to drink no more than 2 drinks. Perhaps you need to always have another trusted female with you whenever you go out. You decide what boundaries are necessary to ensure you never end up in a situation like that again.

Edited to add: 

I'll close by saying it would be a good exercise to write everything down as you go through the Rules of the Road. 

1. Write down those NATs and the alternative PATs
2. Write down the assumptions you're making in this situation
3. Write about those feelings you're experiencing that are putting you in victim mode
4. Identify the triggers for what they are, situations that you respond irrationally to because of your past/BPD
5. Make a list of your weaknesses and strengths, the ones you displayed in this situation. For each weakness, establish a boundary that you plan to implement to counteract it. 

You need to actively deal with this situation by making the effort to reflect on what happened, be aware of how you're responding internally and redirect your thoughts to where you want them to be. This experience does not define you. If you address it using Rules of the Road, you can turn it into a lesson learnt. By forcing yourself to deal with it appropriately, you can avoid dissolving into a worried, anxious, victim. Remember, you alone have control over what's going on in your mind. Do not relinquish that control to others, they do not deserve it.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Yes, I think I need to quit partying again. I actually haven't been to a party in 2 years and had quit drugs for that matter because I obviously have a child now and the fact that I myself have struggled with substance abuse in the past. My daughter was sleeping and looked after by my mother so that I could take a break. This was the first party I had gone to in 2 years and unfortunately the events played out in such a drastic manner.

I too fantasize about smoking weed a lot. The party culture here in the UK is big, and I do not know many people who avoid it. It took a lot of restrain on my end to stop partying but it can easily be done again. I feel like I need to smoke to cope with how I am feeling though, is rehab taking it a bit too far, considering it's just weed? 

Yeah thanks for the advice, he should be embarrassed too. But I always hold myself accountable, it was me who agreed to go over to his place...


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> Yes, I think I need to quit partying again. I actually haven't been to a party in 2 years and had quit drugs for that matter because I obviously have a child now and the fact that I myself have struggled with substance abuse in the past. My daughter was sleeping and looked after by my mother so that I could take a break. This was the first party I had gone to in 2 years and unfortunately the events played out in such a drastic manner.
> 
> I too fantasize about smoking weed a lot. The party culture here in the UK is big, and I do not know many people who avoid it. It took a lot of restrain on my end to stop partying but it can easily be done again. I feel like I need to smoke to cope with how I am feeling though, is rehab taking it a bit too far, considering it's just weed?
> 
> Yeah thanks for the advice, he should be embarrassed too. But I always hold myself accountable, it was me who agreed to go over to his place...


 @Louise McCann

Remember in the rules above, one of them was to know yourself? You know as someone with BPD, you're going to have a hard time dealing with your feelings. Others may have a hard time understanding but these feelings are painful, they feel inescapable and it seems like they're driving you crazy. While the weed may work well in the moment, they're not helping the root cause of the problem one iota. You know yourself better than anyone so if you believe that you need rehab to address your need for weed. Then by all means, get that rehab. You don't need anyone else to validate that but you.

I caution you to question though, will rehab address the root cause of the problem? Because I have a feeling that if you figured out how to deal with the feelings you're trying to suppress with weed, then the urge to smoke will likely dissipate. This is why I have to ask, are you getting serious counseling for your BPD? Not only do you owe it to yourself to deal with this with a professional, you owe it to your daughter. As a child of a parent with BPD, your daughter is automatically more vulnerable to developing BPD herself. You can ensure you minimize the chances of her developing BPD by getting expert, professional care to deal with the disorder.

So, are you getting professional help Louise?


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Louise McCann said:


> Yes, I think I need to quit partying again. I actually haven't been to a party in 2 years and had quit drugs for that matter because I obviously have a child now and the fact that I myself have struggled with substance abuse in the past. My daughter was sleeping and looked after by my mother so that I could take a break. This was the first party I had gone to in 2 years and unfortunately the events played out in such a drastic manner.
> 
> I too fantasize about smoking weed a lot. The party culture here in the UK is big, and I do not know many people who avoid it. It took a lot of restrain on my end to stop partying but it can easily be done again. I feel like I need to smoke to cope with how I am feeling though, is rehab taking it a bit too far, considering it's just weed?
> 
> Yeah thanks for the advice, he should be embarrassed too. But I always hold myself accountable, it was me who agreed to go over to his place...


Just for reference, how old are you?

I think you need to just look at this as a learning experience. The lesson is probably the one that you mention here... don't go out and drink and/or do drugs. As Satya stated, you and you alone are responsible for your safety and clearly when drunk/drugged up you put down your defenses.

I'm not going to get into whether or not this guy raped you. He might have been just as intoxicated as you were. Hopefully he's struggling now with what happened and hopefully that's why he left. But that's his problem, not yours.

If anyone ever mentions it to you... I'd just look at them with a blank face and say something like "What are you talking about? Who told you that nonsense?" And walk away. You do not owe any explanation to anyone. What happened that night is only your concern.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> Yes, I think I need to quit partying again. I actually haven't been to a party in 2 years and had quit drugs for that matter because I obviously have a child now and the fact that I myself have struggled with substance abuse in the past. My daughter was sleeping and looked after by my mother so that I could take a break. This was the first party I had gone to in 2 years and unfortunately the events played out in such a drastic manner.
> 
> I too fantasize about smoking weed a lot. The party culture here in the UK is big, and I do not know many people who avoid it. It took a lot of restrain on my end to stop partying but it can easily be done again. I feel like I need to smoke to cope with how I am feeling though, is rehab taking it a bit too far, considering it's just weed?
> 
> Yeah thanks for the advice, he should be embarrassed too. But I always hold myself accountable, it was me who agreed to go over to his place...


How are you today Louise? Feeling any better? So you want to smoke wee to cope, maybe you should really think about getting under a doctors care so they can proscribe you meds that will really help you cope but that they can help you control and keep track of. So as to avoid some bad side effects. 

I am assuming that you are in your early 20's right? That is a hard time in your life. Probably the time where you feel the most vulnerable and alone in some ways. With how your ex did you I am sure that makes it worse. It really does get better though. Keep your focus on getting that degree so you can support yourself and your daughter. Once you start doing that you will start to feel like you have some control over your life again. 

Going over to his place by the way is not an invitation for him to have sex with you when you say no. Or continue when you say stop. He was in the wrong not you. 

Why don't you post on here when you feel lonely. I get it, it's probably every day. I remember. But your daughter needs you. Hang in there.


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