# Okay, this is long, but I need some advice...



## buglet09 (Jun 1, 2011)

So, last night, my husband and I started an argument because of something he said to hurt my feelings. It was the most petty argument you could imagine. I won't bore you with the details. He knew that he hurt my feelings and refused to apologize. I was intentionally not acknowledging him as we walked by each other in the bathroom, hallway, bedroom, etc. He wanted to know "what my problem is". I simply told him that he owed me an apology...he simply refused to apologize. We laid down in bed after he was obviously disinterested in smoothing this out. I was quiet; he then brings it up and says "so you're just gonna go to sleep?". I again told him that he hurt my feelings and he just needed to apologize. He insisted that he did nothing wrong. At that point, it was getting late and he states, "so are you gonna do me? It's getting late". This statement is coming from a very romantic husband. The only time he says things like that is when he's upset. He was completely trying to avoid fixing our problem. I got mad and went to sleep on the couch. He comes in there and tries to pull at my clothes and tells me that he wants to hurry up and have sex so that he can go to bed. He was being so crude that it made me get upset...I then started crying.I have never witnessed him being so insensitive. He told me to "stop with the games and let's do it because it is getting late". I got more and more upset and walked back into the bedroom. I pleaded with him to just talk about this issue with me and let's work it out. He continued to deny his wrong-doing and insisted on us having sex. He said, "are you going to have sex with me or am I going to have to get my toy?". I said, I'm not doing anything with you if you're not going to work this out with me. I walked away and laid down on the couch.
I then hear him get a sex toy out of the drawer that we keep our "toys" in and lock the door. I was so mortified. He spent about 20 minutes locked in a room masturbating. I cried the entire time he was doing this. After he was done, he washed off in the bathroom, then came into the living room and said, "are you coming to bed?". At this point, I was crying even harder because my feelings were so damaged. I said, "just leave me alone". He walked back into the bedroom, said once more, "you need to come to bed", then shut the door. 
He goes to work earlier than me, so this morning, he gets up and begins getting ready. It's almost like he was intentionally being louder than usual. He comes to me just before he left and says, "bye, Scooter, I love you", in a very loud tone. He kisses me on the cheek as if he's done nothing wrong. 
I am at my wit's end. Why is he acting like this? We normally have a very loving, very passion-filled romantic relationship. We are almost sickening sometimes with our I-Love-You's and I-Miss-You. We always express our desire and love for each other. We are normally very good to each other and he normally is willing to work out ANYTHING. Why is he doing this? 
This has only happened a handful of times before, but not to this extreme. Why does such a stupid little spat turn into a disaster? I am so hurt, I woke up so mad my heart was just beating out of my chest. We won't lay eyes on each other for the next 3 days b/c of my crazy work schedule. What do I do?


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I am very much against withholding sex in a marriage, but it sounds like your husband was really asking for it.

Maybe you could buy him another toy as a change of pace, since he won't be enjoying you for a while?

Seriously, I would stick to my guns and insist on a conversation. If he was being intentionally cruel, then he needs to explain himself and apologize. If this was a miscommunication, then you should be able to hash it out. Maybe he thinks you're at fault? Call him and schedule a date when you get off work to talk. Use the words, "to talk" so he doesn't get the wrong idea. If he does need to apologize, make sure he does it. And then forgive him and sex him up.

Your overall relationship sounds pretty strong, so I wouldn't make a mountain out of a mole hill. But, resentment from stupid fights that aren't addressed can sometimes fester like a cancer in a relationship. Eventually, you could both be on here complaining of an emotionally and sexually barren marriage.

Good luck.


----------



## Silhouette (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds to me like he was being a big jerk. :banghead: He NEEDS to apologize to you. As soon as you two have a clear schedule, ask him to sit down and talk, and try to smooth things out. Tell him again how what he said made you feel. And good luck!


----------



## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I don't think you did anything wrong.

Since I am a men and not a women, I think I can say this much, he clearly wanted to hurt you, and he is hurt also since he thinks your withholding sex, your honestly not.

If he can't work things out with you he can't have sex, its that simple. Maybe tell him lets have a talk and then some amazing makeup sex?


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

If it was as petty an argument as you suggest, do you really need an apology?


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

it's hard to make a call here without knowing more about the argument. The way he expected you to just roll over and have sex with him was pretty oafish, however. If I'd tried to pull that at home, _I'd_ be the one on the couch, not my wife.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I am totally against withholding - it's using sex as a punishment and that's a bad light to put on that type of husband/wife intimacy.

Sure, he was probably wrong.

But the more you push for an apology, the more he's going to push back and NOT give you one.

He will apologize if and when he feels like it, even if you believe you deserve one.

So, what you need to do is figure out if ruining the otherwise good marriage you have by continuing to ignore him and withholding intimacy is worth the apology?

Is it more important for YOU to be right, or for your marriage to continue to be great and loving?

Only YOU can make that choice.

Sometimes we have to give in, even if we don't want to for the greater good.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Hmmm, you made it clear -- "no apology, no sex".
He made his choice. You made yours. 

I frankly don't see this as 'witholding sex'... who has sex when they're not in a pleasant place with their spouse? unless it's raw make-up sex (which this wouldn't have been; it would have been confrontation-avoidance-and-control-you sex... no good).

Bigger issue is a-brewin though... and I wondered while reading your story -- had he been drinking or taken drugs, or had some other external 'event' that made this so blatantly crass, albeit abnormal for him? Sure sounds like something is/was amiss here...


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2xloser said:


> I frankly don't see this as 'witholding sex'... who has sex when they're not in a pleasant place with their spouse? unless it's raw make-up sex (which this wouldn't have been; it would have been confrontation-avoidance-and-control-you sex... no good).


Lots of people do, or should, have sex during an unpleasant emotional state regarding their spouse. That may or may not be appropriate in this case. But, sex can actually improve your mood and your connection with your spouse. The divorce courts are full of couples who put sex on hold temporarily until their emotional state improved, only to find that was the first, or second, step in the death spiral of their marriage.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

So she should be willing to have sex even as he continues to set aside her feelings on the matter? I respectfully, but completely, disagree. Where then does it stop? if she does not want to and makes it clear as to why, and he insults her request to discuss why yet still demands sex, thats just wrong.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Your husband is being an a$$hole. This issue has nothing to do with sex. He was totaly insensitive to expect you to put out while you were upset and crying and it sounds like he was purposely trying to hurt you. He needs to tell you why he's upset. If he doesn't, then I would suggest a couples counselor to help both of you learn how to resolve conflict, both get your needs met, and communicate better. 

You do not owe him sex. You are not his slave and he's not yours. If you are emotionally upset with your husband and he knows it but refuses to discuss it, your refusal to have sex is NORMAL. How could you open up to someone sexually when they are being mean to you? You were protecting yourself from further hurt by not having sex.

There is a big difference between using sex as a way to manipulate someone (passive aggressive) and what you did - protect yourself from more abusive behavior. If anything, your husband was using sex to try to dominate and control you and when you refused, masturbated in a locked room. That is hostile behavior.


----------



## FairSkies (Jun 6, 2011)

Uh, to those who say they are against withholding sex as punishment, I would say there is a difference in withholding sex as punishment and not being interested. I don't think you have to have sex everytime your partner wants to, just because they want to. If you are upset and in emotional distress, you are not going to want to have sex. I don't think OP was withholding to punish him, but she was obviously distressed about the situation.


----------



## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

If your issue was petty, why did it hurt your feelings enough that you chose not to acknowledge him? Intentionally not acknowledging someone in an adult relationship does nothing to resolve the issue. When he wants to know what your problem is, you should clearly state what hurt your feelings and why. Then allow him to discuss his view point. If he doesn't feel he did anything wrong, an apology will do nothing to resolve the and will mean nothing from him. Instead of expecting an apology, you two should have an open discussion about what hurt your feelings and how to come to middle grounds on the issue. If you two normally "do it" every day, and he honestly felt he did nothing wrong, and also felt as if you were witholding from him, then there is nothing wrong for him to use his toy. That being said, the way you tell your story, it sounds as if he was using his toy to get back at you rather than fulfill his own needs. It sounds like your "spats" hold a lot of blame when you two have them. If you two can work on discussing what is really bothering you and come to middle ground rather than blaming eachother for everything, your "spats" may become less often and less hurtfull. This is only my opinion based on the very limited knowledge I have of your relationship.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I have sex with my h even if we are fighting. It is a bridge toward dealing with issues with less opposition to one another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He didn't like your shoes, called you fat, shot the cat, what?

It is pertinent to understanding what you were miffed about.

That said, you dug in your heels, and he decided to act poorly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

michzz said:


> He didn't like your shoes, called you fat, shot the cat, what?
> 
> It is pertinent to understanding what you were miffed about.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

You ever hear the saying, "Is that hill you want to die on". Pick your battles, he was just trying to move on without a tit for tat. Don't always try to get the last word.


----------

