# I AM SO HURT afraid, and confused



## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

In my other post "The Snooping Husband" explains what may be missing in this post.

I dont understand, Should I stop trying to understand? 
Long and Short. My husband cheated more then six times before we were engaged and at Least three times while we were engaged. He "says" he hasn't cheated sense we married.
So I discovered all of this one year and five months ago. The DAY OF DISCOVERY my husband ( fiancé then ) says "I can't handle this maybe we should hold off getting married." I agreed. Then he changes his mind. Pleads with me to marry him ( our wedding was less then six weeks away at that time ) Husband behaves great until day after wedding. For the past seventeen months What I have had to deal with is a cheating man who blames me just to take the focus off his cheating! Why does this happen? I am so darn HURT here. I am SO CONFUSED too!! I can get past his cheating if he'd open up and allow the therapy to work. But he mostly has stated I will never get over it so we will never work out. He constantly accuses me of lying. He tells me I told him to cheat. He spies on me. He tries to "get dirt" on me where there is NONE just so he can say "LOOK WHAT YOU DID"
I can HONESTLY say I NEVER start the arguments. That is the absolute THUTH. So when he gets pissed that I am "HURT" he knows what to do that will hit me right enough to cause me to snap. And When I do snap I called him a pretty derogatory name. Won't repeat it because he has been "snooping here" and the name stands out as its quite original. I can't believe it came from my mouth! So when I call him this name he gets so pissed and says "see look what you do you don't love me" or "you will never get over this" or We will never work out as a couple" or " I hope you find peace in your life"
AAAHHHHHHHHHHH WTF!!!!! Then I get even more pissed. 
DID he ever love me??? I need help so bad with this and therapy just gives my husband an out because our therapist says.... And I quote " Some people just don't know how to help the ones they hurt" UMMmmmmm I simply can not understand that statement. My husband often says " I just didn't know what to expect, I didn't know how you would react" when I ask him... "why can't you see I am JUST HURT and need your FULL support here... 
I have the divorce papers ready, but I am shaking because Monday they will be served to him at work and I will feel I have failed. I truly believe in vows I took so divorce seems like the easy way out. But I need my dignity. I don't know I feel like I am going crazy. He abuses me both Verbally and psychologically and acts like he's gonna hit me but never has. I feel so destroyed.  and so low and so sad and so confused!  that people who say they LOVE someone can treat that person with such animosity. And all because of an action they themselves did. :scratch head: I don't know anymore. Should I keep trying or just serve the divorce papers on Monday? Im not looking for answers I guess just advice and support. Im tired of feeling let down time and again by this man who says he loves me so much and he's so sorry but does not show it.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

He never loved you, he's a serial cheater, he's emotionally manipulative and a person who shouldn't get married.

When a person loves someone and intends to spend the rest of their lives with them, they do not cheat on them six times while they're a couple, three times while they're engaged and god knows how many times while they're married. 

When a person loves someone they do not break their wedding vows, sleep with prostitutes and put their spouse's health at risk. When a person loves someone they do not come out with some bulls!t excuse like "you told me to cheat" to justify their infidelity.

It actually surprised me that you're willing to get over his cheating. This isn't a man who can be in a committed relationship, you need to realise this. He has zero respect for you. He's using reverse psychology because presumably you're this naive individual to him. He's blame shifting and wants to rug sweep all his transgressions. Now you say he abuses you emotionally and you feel like he's about to get physical? run-for-the-hills. 

Why do you continue to torture yourself for him? is this why you entered into a relationship? You say you believe in vows? does he? marriage isn't a one person endeavour, it takes two to tango.


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> He never loved you, he's a serial cheater, he's emotionally manipulative and a person who shouldn't get married.
> 
> When a person loves someone and intends to spend the rest of their lives with them, they do not cheat on them six while they're a couple, three time while they're engaged and god knows how many times while they're married.
> 
> ...


UGH I don't know. I think because I believe in my vows and know he was this sweet person before. But you all here help a LOT for me to see that maybe he is not the man I fell in love with. Maybe how he is now is who he really is. Its hard to face this. Its so hard. And I feel so lost.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry.

The fact that he wanted to hold the marriage on backburner for sometime (before the marriage) should have awakened you.

I believe women are better than men in spotting the emotional changes. How did you miss those in your married life?

He is snooping. Manipulative. Perhaps abusive. Dont know what not.

Can you talk to him and make him understand?

Try. You wont lose anything.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Anaphylactic said:


> UGH I don't know. I think because I believe in my vows and know he was this sweet person before. But you all here help a LOT for me to see that maybe he is not the man I fell in love with. Maybe how he is now is who he really is. Its hard to face this. Its so hard. And I feel so lost.


Calm down, you will be good. You just need to get a base of operation. You are trying to make sense out of crazy. Instead, learn what kind of pathology your husband has, recognize the script and realize it is not you but him. 

He is mentally ill. His illness makes it easy to prey upon normal people like you. If he tried to pull this sh!t on a fellow nutcase, he would get slammed. 

Can you ask the moderators to combine your post? You are jumping all over the place. 

I know that you are looking for answers but I think it will work out better if you stay in one place and have your full story there for posters to see. You will get more consistent advice. 

You reveal more in each post and it is hard to put things together. By staying in one thread, you will get a cadre of followers to walk along the journey with you. A virtual posse. Will you try that? 

I think your husband has a personality disorder. They are good at making everyone around them crazy. The nice man never existed. It was a ruse to hook you in. If he reveals the real him no woman would want him. 

You have to gain insight and knowledge. That will stop your confusion. It will give you the firm foothold. 

Your therapist was a fool. 

Read about attachment style you may recognize him here.

Attachment Styles - Truth About Deception


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Sorry.
> 
> The fact that he wanted to hold the marriage on backburner for sometime (before the marriage) should have awakened you.
> 
> ...



I am great at spotting those things. But "angryandUsed" My husband was a better actor. I did agree to hold off the wedding but then he came to me and pleaded. 
I have tried to talk to him so many times for 17 months now
NOTHING seems to work and if it does it is very short lived.

I adore all of you here. No one has helped me more then this forum


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

how do I ask my posts to get combined?


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Calm down, you will be good. You just need to get a base of operation. You are trying to make sense out of crazy. Instead, learn what kind of pathology your husband has, recognize the script and realize it is not you but him.
> 
> He is mentally ill. His illness makes it easy to prey upon normal people like you. If he tried to pull this sh!t on a fellow nutcase, he would get slammed.
> 
> ...


I have that Book its Excellent

Question then. When we leave therapy he is so sweet (sometimes) he acts genuine when he seems to be lost on how to help us. So I get sucked in and try to help him understand what I am going through then I realize WTF am I doing helping him!!! 
Is he really confused or is that an act to calm me down and get me back??
He's supposed to help me and be transparent and earn Forgiveness and trust. OH by the way He demanded forgiveness said he couldn't go on without it at first discovery. I said BYE he said never mind he'd do what it takes. Has not though


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

First you have to figure out what his problem is then you will be able to put things together. 

PM one of the moderators - Deejo, ChrisH and ask to have them combined. 

Read! I'll come back in the AM. Husband is going to kill me if I don't get off right now!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Anaphylactic said:


> UGH I don't know. I think because I believe in my vows and know he was this sweet person before. But you all here help a LOT for me to see that maybe he is not the man I fell in love with. Maybe how he is now is who he really is. Its hard to face this. Its so hard. And I feel so lost.


Annie, you believed in your vows and never cheated on him before or after you were married. Isn't it fair to expect the same from him? He was a sweet person before? fine, but does that take away from the fact that he cheated on you innumerable times? Actions are louder than words Annie. When you love someone, you show them you love them by respecting them, not cheating on them and not emotionally abusing them. 

You sound like a good hearted person that's been taken in by a snake. He has a track record of doing this to women hence why he's confusing you and making you believe you're at fault here. He's a master of deception and not the man you think he is. If he wanted to rectify this situation he wouldn't demand for you to forgive him from the get go. He would be patient and wait until _you're_ ready to forgive. He trying to rug sweep his cheating because he doesn't it see it as big of a problem as you do. He can't associate with the hurt you're going through because people like them are heartless.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Anaphylactic said:


> I am great at spotting those things. But "angryandUsed" My husband was a better actor. I did agree to hold off the wedding but then he came to me and pleaded.
> I have tried to talk to him so many times for 17 months now
> NOTHING seems to work and if it does it is very short lived.
> 
> I adore all of you here. No one has helped me more then this forum


The contents of your this thread reminds of some other thread(s). I have not read them. I dont know if you work and have kids... In relationships, the power does count.

If he is not honoring his own commitments, is this a relationship at all?

IMHO, it is easier to call it a day rather than staying....

Your husband seems to be a not serious guy in relationships. Is he like a honey bee?


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Annie, you believed in your vows and never cheated on him before or after you were married. Isn't it fair to expect the same from him? He was a sweet person before? fine, but does that take away from the fact that he cheated on you innumerable times? Actions are louder than words Annie. When you love someone, you show them you love them by respecting them, not cheating on them and not emotionally abusing them.
> 
> You sound like a good hearted person that's been taken in by a snake. He has a track record of doing this to women hence why he's confusing you and making you believe you're at fault here. He's a master of deception and not the man you think he is. If he wanted to recitify this situation he wouldn't demand for you to forgive him from the get go. He would be patient and wait until _you're_ ready to forgive.



thanks for the nick name... :smthumbup:

I agree with you. And when I told him that too, he backed off and put on the act I am learning and I believed him to be the sweet man I loved again. 
I had hoped he was still in there some where but now I am not sure anymore.


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> The contents of your this thread reminds of some other thread(s). I have not read them. I dont know if you work and have kids... In relationships, the power does count.
> 
> If he is not honoring his own commitments, is this a relationship at all?
> 
> ...


he was married before for over 15 years though. So I thought he was a relationship man. I think you are right. 

Other threads? Do you think my husband may be posting "his side of this sad story?" He threatened to do it but doesn't know the exact site I am a member of. If you do see anything from anyone Id love to read it. I will know RIGHT AWAY his words as he uses certain dictation a lot


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Anaphylactic said:


> thanks for the nick name... :smthumbup:
> 
> I agree with you. And when I told him that too, he backed off and put on the act I am learning and I believed him to be the sweet man I loved again.
> I had hoped he was still in there some where but now I am not sure anymore.


If he wants to learn then he definitely has to be more patient and wait on you to decide where to move from here.

P/S if you don't want him to snoop on your posts wait till you have 6 more posts and move it here
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/

he can't see anything here unless you use the same computer and he knows your login details.


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> If he wants to learn then he definitely has to be more patient and wait on you to decide where to move from here.
> 
> P/S if you don't want him to snoop on your posts wait till you have 6 more posts and move it here
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/
> ...


Thank you for the P.S.

I agree. And finally had the balls to tell him to leave. But I am afraid. Thank you


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

Night from hell! Seeing divorce lawyer tomorrow.... well today its 4am where I live. I hate life! 
I have a question though.....

Our house was purchased by my H before we were married. But intended for BOTH of us. He added me to the title by way of Quit Claim Deed. But not the mortgage. Can he kick me out of my home? He says he can. And will. He said because I didn't pay for the house I don't own it even if I did sign the Quit Claim Deed. 
I have nowhere to go. This just adds another sharp knife stab from him. I am so damn lost and confused with what the hell I did to make him so mad at me. Let me break it down.......

A. H cheated on me
B. I married him in spite of him cheating because he put on a great act. Telling me what I needed to hear.
C. my H has been a total A-Hole when I need to express my feelings about his cheating. He has NOT been 100% transparent at all and expects me to just get over it because of
"all the things he has done for me" WTF 

I feel I have done something wrong or I just haven't gotten over it fast enough for him. Everytime I try to share how I feel I am met with a hostile reply such as..... Yesterday I caught him texting a woman for advice and I questioned him... His reply was... "well who did you talk to today?" WHAT DOES THAT MATTER????
He is angry with me because I told him I want a divorce because he cheated on me and has not been earning back trust and forgiveness. He has been a MEAN man because I friggen caught him cheating on me! I HATE HIM!!!! Today can't come fast enough! I want the jerk out of my life! The sad and pathetic part is that I still love him. :scratchhead:


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