# Whats the point of marriage in 2012?



## TrueLovely

I really have given up hope. I feel like I pretty much bought into a lie. I am really thinking marriage is pointless in 2012. Love is a farce. I mean look at me, all the people on these boards, who have been hurt, are misreable. Whats the point? 

Im posting this in this forum, because unfourtunatley, I cant help but to see things from a biblical perspective. Why do so many people fail at truly caring for others? Please dont give me some mushy spiritual bull****. I only want honest answers. 

As a woman, a "christian" woman, I thought there were certain things I was supposed to expect from a christian man. like love, care, tenderness, protection, provision. I mean, what man in 2012 does that anymore? Christian or not? Honestly, it seems like christian man are worse to me. At least you know what you getting with an unbeliever. 

I mean really, even biblically, it seems that women were only seen as property. A fresh beautiful virgin was praiseworthy, and coveted. But you even have instances of multiple wives, where one was loved more than the other. And to be honest, the only value women in the old testament seem to have was to be screwed, bear children, and raise them, be replaced by somthing young and fresh and eventually die.

I mean I guess I would be okay with that, if my owner properly suppled my living needs. but in 2012, men ARE NOT the providers. Its like women have to take the roles of men, still be a woman, weather you want to or not. Ie carry breast, have periods, birth and raise children, work, forgive, stay attractive, ect. While men seem really only obligated to work, weather it is enough to provide for their families or not.

Women are no longer cared for and provided for, In a lot of cases, they are somtimes the main provider. meanwhile, we have to be understanding of the bull**** reasons men betray, leave, cheat, get tired of us ect. I am seriouse here. It seems like the only real value i have as a woman, is pleasing a mans visual, and sexual satisfaction. Without the guarauntee of his continual care.

At least the men in the bible who treated women, like there cattle, were obligated to provide for them. Even if they had multiple wives. Today some men cant, or wont even take care of one wife.

It just all seems pointless, when you can be cheated on, abandend, forsaken in the in. Whether you have the mans children or not. Than are told to a) accept it, b)get over it, c) move on, and hopefully some other God like man will be interested in your used up self, until he gets tired of you also. But hey whatever the turn out, nothing here on earth matters anyways, because heaven is all that counts. Really?


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## FirstYearDown

Why would you be okay with being impregnated and then dumped for a hot young thing, if it meant all of your material needs would be provided for? Do you think men want a woman with this mindset?

I'm sorry that you feel that "love is a farce" but I can tell you that such a negative and materialistic attitude pushes good men away.

My husband provides for both of us and sends me to school because we both want me to achieve my potential. I have no interest in being supported financially for all of our marriage because I want to be able to take care of myself, no matter what happens to our relationship. There are many SAHM's on this forum who are supported by husbands, as well as men who are the main breadwinners. Love is far more than being supported financially though. You speak of being "taken care of" a great deal; how would you take care of a decent man? A good marriage is about give and take. 

I have dated "Christian" men in the past who attended church yet had premarital sex and lived very dishonest lives. Of course, Christian men are just normal imperfect human beings. We hold Christians to higher standards because of their religion. 

Do you think that women never abandon or cheat on men? I truly find your words to be very sexist, mercenary and anti marriage. I am not insulting your personality, since I do not know you but I am disturbed by some of the messages in your post. 

If you want to find a good partner, work on becoming the kind of person you would like to meet. Don't wait for a man to support you financially; work on being independent so that you can choose a man rather than need him. Try not to make negative and generalizing statements about men when you meet them. 

I was blessed because I was very bitter about men when I met my husband. He saw the chip on my shoulder came from being disillusioned and hurt in the past by terrible men. With love and patience, my husband is teaching me what true love and trust is about.


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## TrueLovely

Okay, so i wanted to get inpregnated? Really? Its a fact that if you are married and have unprotected sex, chances are you will get pregnant. But isnt that what the safety of marriage is for. Hell yes im a little bitter. Guess what, believe it or not, I was a damn good wife. That didn't stop my husband from doing what he did.

Whats the point of holding christians to a higher standard, if they wont hold themselves to one? It never crossed your mind that maybe some women arent as "indepenendent" and capable of taking care of themselves, because they have spent years being good wives, setting things aside, to allow their husbands to get ahead, only to be screwed in the end. 

I guess i should be faulted for that. Yeah i am a little sexist, because my sex is female. Al that lovey dovey bull your typing will fall by the wayside, once your betrayed. Hopefully not. At any given point you make some kind of sacrfice to be married. And it truly sucks, that there really seems to be no commitment to this. Especially in a day in age , where everyone is so capable of taking care of themselves. 

Dont give me that bullcrp line about "work on yourself, so that you can have the spouse of your dreams". So that would mean everyone on this site who has been abanded, or betrayed, somehow attracted that, because of some character defect they have. Lets get real. everyone is getting somthing out of the marriage commitment, yours just dosent happen to be financial provision.whatever it is you obviously feel the need for it or you would not be married. Or its just because, you only want to love someone else Has nothing to do with some want or need you have. Sure. 

I never said there were not any no good women, thats just not the topic I wanted to vent about, or get some other perspectives on.


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## FirstYearDown

If you did not want to have a baby, protected sex would have been a sensible choice. My husband and I are childfree so we have permanently prevented pregnancy with a vasectomy. Since there are _several _methods of birth control, it is very easy for a woman not to become pregnant if she does not want to. 

Has your husband moved on with his life? If so, what purpose does your anger and bitterness serve? You are only poisoning yourself. Unless there is something to be gained from being resentful, it might help to remember that being negative hurts nobody but you. I have always been a pessimist with trust difficulties and I am working on those issues so that I can be happy. How we approach life is our own volition.

Every woman is capable of taking care of herself unless she is severely handicapped. Life is what we make it with the paths we walk down and nobody forced you to give up your independence for a man. Plenty of women still have careers when they marry, because they don't want to end up in the position you are currently in. You cannot blame the world if did not choose good options; all you can do is learn from your mistakes. 

I grew up seeing men cheat and I could certainly decide never to trust or love again. However, that would be giving too much power to my past when I am trying to build a happy present for myself. Love is a gamble because nothing is promised. I hope that my husband never cheats on me but I agree that it certainly can happen. I wouldn't enjoy life if I held on to my bitterness and it doesn't seem like you do either. 

I agree that we all get something out of marriage. I just know that no man wants to be thought of as a wallet when he meets a woman. Something to think about. I wish you peace.


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## 2ntnuf

Hang in there True. Just because he is Christian, does not mean he is better at marriage or raising a family. Do you remember what Paul said? 

1 Corinthians 7: 1-9 

You are not being treated as a married Christian woman should.
Once you get your head together a little, you will find the passages you need to better understand. A church counselor should be able to help you.

Prayers sent for you.


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## TrueLovely

You know, somtimes I feel like Job, when I listen to peoples response, to my frusteration about my situation. Its all some how my fault, and if I was just an indepent, birthcontroll, pill popping, smart woman of the 2oth century. This would have never happend to me.

Because God knows that all births here on this earth are planned. And every woman should be completely fine with the option of taking false hormones/chemicals, to protect themselves from being "impregnated' by their "husbands".

God forbid if you have any feelings other than "pessimistic" happiness, Or defeated sadness, when you face situations, that are awful. Because God forbid you hold anyone to accountability, or trust them. You have to have it all planned out right? sigh. As hard as it may be for some to believe, I am supporting, myself and our children, pretty much alone. And its damn hard, but guess what, I hold myself to a higher accountability, and im going to walk out my commitment as a mother, and not cheat on th em, and try to replace them with other children. Abandon them then tell them they should have had a back up plan.

Thank you to the one person who offerd words of encouragement. Your prayers are greatly appreciated.


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## Lon

I too hold Christians to my interpretation of Christian standards, and in my judgement most fail at it, worse than even I (whom no longer considers himself Christian). But even though I don't share the religious convictions of believers, I do hold myself to the christ-like morals and values I was raised with - and yes I know this means not judging others. I don't get caught up in literal interpretations anymore, but I also get disturbed by those who profess them yet don't seem to act within the larger realm of kindness, forgiveness, compassion and honesty. Whatever, just live the way YOU believe you are meant to.

As for marriage, apart from whatever religious reasons you have, the only sensible reason to legally wed in my opinion is to raise children in one cohesive family. Of course others have their own reasons...


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## wiigirl

2ntnuf said:


> Hang in there True. Just because he is Christian, does not mean he is better at marriage or raising a family. Do you remember what Paul said?
> 
> 1 Corinthians 7: 1-9
> 
> You are not being treated as a married Christian woman should.
> Once you get your head together a little, you will find the passages you need to better understand. A church counselor should be able to help you.
> 
> Prayers sent for you.











:iagree:


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## Trickster

Most people come to TAM because of some trauma in their marriage. Very few here have the perfect marriage and want to tell the world. I am grateful for their advice. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. Marriage seems pointless to me also, unless there are children as Lon stated.

IMO people are selfish! It’s all about me. I do that too. I think many people get married way to young and we grow and change so much. I was always in love with the whole idea of being in love and for many years, I pretended that I had the right person. Nobody is perfect…right? 

The hard part come as we begin to meet new people who make us feel better about our self, while our spouse (both) stop doing things for each other and drift apart. Then it is only a matter of time. I know, that is a cop out!

Marriage is too much work for the average mortal. We give up and do stupid stuff to drive the other away. I liked it better when we were just dating. We seemed to try harder to be a better person and please the other. Once we married, we stopped trying and to put the other first like we did while dating.
So, I agree… Why get married? The odds are stacked against it.


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## TrueLovely

You know, thats the understanding im trying to come to. Is what we been sold about marriage a lie. I mean all the mushy gushy loving feelings aside. Because the proof is on these boards as to how laong that really last. I wont feel like I did somthing wrong by believing that it was not a sin to have children while I was ''MARRIED''. And what is the obligation of each person to each other and to the children in the marriage. 

I mean if its everyone taking care of their own needs and supporting themselves, I guess the only reason would be to have children? But peolple dont even get married to do that now. What is the point of marriage, I ask again? If you cannot feel safe and depend on that person for certian wants and needs?

Even the firs response to my post, claimed her other half was supporting and helping her with her education. Why accept that from him if we are all supposed to be self sufficiant? Why even honor the commitment of marriage if i can just do everything all willy nilly in the first place. Ad not have the possible hurt of betrayal, of a lie? I dont know, just trying to understand.

Also you have babes in Christ who are learning that what we learn in the bible does not really matter anyway. because everyone has their own standards, and what you do to others dosent matter, because, its their fault if they arent pessimisticly happy, and move forward with their lives in the aftermaths. When that message is a complete contradiction, to the Gospel. People get hurt, people are angry. people want to believe in people.


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## 2ntnuf

Lon said:


> I too hold Christians to my interpretation of Christian standards, and in my judgement most fail at it, worse than even I (whom no longer considers himself Christian). But even though I don't share the religious convictions of believers, I do hold myself to the christ-like morals and values I was raised with - and yes I know this means not judging others. I don't get caught up in literal interpretations anymore,* but I also get disturbed by those who profess them yet don't seem to act within the larger realm of kindness, forgiveness, compassion and honesty.* Whatever, just live the way YOU believe you are meant to.
> 
> As for marriage, apart from whatever religious reasons you have, the only sensible reason to legally wed in my opinion is to raise children in one cohesive family. Of course others have their own reasons...


If you understand the beliefs of Christianity, you also understand that we are not perfect, in fact far from it. Christ covers our sins with His shed blood. Yes, we cannot just keep doing these same things, but with divine wisdom and help, we can overcome our failings. 

Remember, forgiving is not about forgetting. It is not for the forgiven, but for the forgiver. We must learn from the past or we cannot become more Christ-like. 

Sometimes, the only kindness I can show is what I do for myself. Selfish, but I am learning to love myself again. If I love my neighbor the way I love myself, an I am not treating them well, I need to love myself more.

I fail every day. I will continue to do this until the day I die. Hopefully, along the way, I will continue to improve myself and show it in my actions. In the mean time, I will continue to ask forgiveness.


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## Trickster

Marriage is like investing in the market. Sometimes we can do all the right stuff and we can still lose it all. In the perfect world we will get back more than we put into it. Marriage is the same. We take a risk because we hope the pay off will be well worth it in the end. Like the stock market, we have so many ups and downs in a marriage. The sad truth is that we can’t handle the lows and we want out. 

Love is about caring and respect. We don’t need marriage for that.
With a marriage, we find a person that is worth taking the risk, even though it may not be forever. Are they worth the risk for now? To love somebody enough to take the risk of being hurt sometimes but to have a best friend who will be there to the end. 
That is the goal!


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## SimplyAmorous

Lon said:


> I too hold Christians to my interpretation of Christian standards, and in my judgement most fail at it, worse than even I (whom no longer considers himself Christian). But even though I don't share the religious convictions of believers, I do hold myself to the christ-like morals and values I was raised with - and yes I know this means not judging others. I don't get caught up in literal interpretations anymore, but I also get disturbed by those who profess them yet don't seem to act within the larger realm of kindness, forgiveness, compassion and honesty. Whatever, just live the way YOU believe you are meant to.


 I feel exactly as LON expressed here in this post, I also no longer will call myself a Christian. Far too many are a cardboard copy of the world -but feel a "belief" saves their soul. It is so much more than that!
We are all human, have weaknesses , flaws, there is no perfection in this life... but this is OK too! Sometimes religion only = a guilt and shame trip for many -which makes them further HIDE their flaws so others will not judge... and this is just no good, it is a pandering to be something we are not -for the acceptance of others. 

It is best to carry yourself as a man or woman of integrity & character in what we say & how we act as best we can in this life & own our failings before men, if we let anyone down, leave that gift at the alter & go humble thyself and Make it right... this is what God wants of man - the Golden Rule.... this is my religion... I like to keep it simple. 

I don't feel one requires a Supernatural belief to live like this.... .. though it does help HOW we view life & love....and being around good people -encourages our actions & outlook on life. 

Many scriptures I LOVE in the Bible.... I strive to live by them, I teach my kids to live by them.... I see great wisdom in many *Proverbs*, also *the Book of Ecclesiastes*. 

All that you have mentioned in your opening post TrueLovely -about how women were "used" / abused in the Old Testament...I agree with you, I also REJECT such teachings the way they are written, it puts a very bad taste in my mouth...anyone with reason , if they take these things to heart , should have some questioning to the INTENT ... how it seems to = laws written by MEN - with some selfish desires going on, I also reject how Slavery was just OK... if this was from a Holy God.. ...we must admit that men & women are NOT created equal ... I simply can not buy this, it makes me look upon God in a BAD light.

Frankly I see more Justice on the Declaration of Independence over the Old Testament ! 


I am one of those on TAM that absolutely loves being married, all the Romance & togetherness that it entails... but we are very *compatible* ....(had we married someone else, we may have a different story to tell, this I believe)...

We were together for 8 long yrs before we walked down the aisle.. (I was just 15)....we knew each other like the back of our hand at that point.....we both have our flaws, my husband is a bit of a Nice Guy (but I will call him genuine) ...naturally on the passive side, the peacemaker type...the type of man most women overlook in their youth -as they seem to jump for the ALpha boys into sports & have many female conquests. 

I married a very loving man, kind, compassionate, giving (just insert the Fruits of the spirit here)... he amazes me many times... he has the same temperament as Mother Teresa, maybe this explains it ! Great Father, faithful to his every word, honest, I couldn't ask for more (even though I have !)...hey, we are human, after all ! 

*** * I attempted a thread trying to touch on where I feel, from all the reading & contributing I have done on this Marriage forum .... many miss it in dating/ in early marraige ....where the roots of a breakdown begin -then slowly fester growing out of control..... Experts say the top 3 reasons are >>> 

*1.* Communication 

*2.* Sex 

*3*. Finances 


...but also Love Languages so out of whack, it causes great frustration, a spouse being passive aggressive, even differences in religion can cause chaos & endless fights, children, so many many things.... 

Let's face it... we are all SELFISH.... so best to be matched with another who has the same selfish desires in this life. That is my prescription for marriage these days -if one wants to take the plunge. Take time, get to know each other & each's vulnerabilities, deepest dreams, passions..and weaknesses, can we live with those... do they fit into our future as well..... make sure red flags are not missed in the heated beginning months of a relationship - where the dopamine is flowing & hormones are raging...and listen to the warnings of those who are wise. 

True Lovely, what were your issues *??* ....or was you completely and utterly blindsided by a man who FAKED who he was, hid himself from you - cheated on you... betrayed you? Was there any signs , red flags ??

Thread link below >>


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## 2ntnuf

Have to agree with quite a bit of what you are saying SA. The big 3 there were, as far as I know, what helped to ruin my marriage. Many more things as well. 

I do not even know all the things which contributed. Many were hidden from me to protect me while I was not capable of understanding or for that matter, doing anything about them.

Others were contrived by the folks that wanted to gain from my the demise of my marriage, I suspect. No one will ever know the full truth. 

We each will have our own truth. The two of us will never speak again. Those things we believe about the other will always be twisted by hearsay and misinformation. Such is life.

My posts were not written to confuse or fool anyone. I have only the best intentions. If I am incorrect, it is because my thinking isn't correct and I need called out.

Good luck to you.


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## Lon

2ntnuf said:


> If you understand the beliefs of Christianity, you also understand that we are not perfect, in fact far from it. Christ covers our sins with His shed blood. Yes, we cannot just keep doing these same things, but with divine wisdom and help, we can overcome our failings.


Just because someone is saved does not make it ok for them to embrace sin. And just because we are not perfect doesn't mean we shouldn't hold ourselves accountable to a standard. The golden rule is just one standard that Jesus clearly communicated is one all Christians should hold themselves to, yet most I know blatantly avoid that standard, they'd rather preach about grace and salvation than lead people away from sin by example.

So if someone has divine wisdom and help how come they keep failing repeatedly to overcome their sin? Or even acknowledge they should try to? Instead, like everyone, they rewrite their own moral code to one that suits them and one that invariable differs from the moral code in scripture.

I'm not trying to argue over personal beliefs of anyone's soul, I'm just trying to understand how come so many people work against Christ as I have been taught to understand him, in wordly matters.


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## TrueLovely

Bindsided everytime @SimplyAmourouse. I believe in forgiveness, but I just have a hard time with not having the security of knowing that certian things wont be done. And now, even if I choose to stay in the marriage, I am so damage and insecure about so many things, It seems like i would just stay married, to have another body around.

I understand every marriage is to be different, but there are supposed to be some core beliefs when it comes to christan marriage. It just sucks that it seems like, being a "man" overrides so many of these beliefs. I know of many other stories and instances simialar to mine. I just feel like, as a christian, if I am to expect the same thing, as someone who dosent believe, whats the point

@Lon, I agree whole heartedly with a lot of your comments. I know we are flawed, but shouldnt there be some difference in te who profess the faith? I really dont want to get married again, because it really seems theres no point. The stock someone mention in it, seems very low to me.

But if I want, sex, say for instance, If I choose to partake of it outside of marriage, It is a sin. So I would have a very hard time doing it with a clear conscience. But maybe thats somthing, as a woman, I should take care of myself also, since I am at fault for depending on my husband to ''impregnate'' me, and expect to much, for believing he should do his best to provide for his family.


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## 2ntnuf

Lon,

My guess, and it is just a guess, is that not everyone has the same understanding that you do. I may be incorrect about my beliefs. I don't know. I do know that I could confess everything, that I remember, and I would still be wrong. 

I can't remember everything I did wrong. Some things I was accused of doing were simply not true, but no one would believe that. Some things which I was accused of, I have looked into and cannot find the evidence. 

Other things, I am only now able to start realizing. I have not been mentally well. No one can understand that, but me. I cannot show anyone what was in my mind at the time. If I could, who would believe me? 

I have been told so many times that I have lied or I was faking things. I am sick of it. I am done with it. No one has to believe me. I know what I know and no one else can.

Since I do not talk to my ex, period, at all, I could not apologize for anything, even if that was my desire. Like I said, forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven.

I do the best I can. I hope I do not lead folks astray. If I have, I am sorry. I do apologize. 

Peace to you.


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## Lon

TrueLovely said:


> I really dont want to get married again, because it really seems theres no point. The stock someone mention in it, seems very low to me.


If you don't want to marry, that is perfectly normal to me... I feel the same way...NOW that is, if my marriage had worked out the first time and I was still in it I would absolutely be committed to keep working at it - to me, spiritually, marriage is sort of transcendent, and in my case divorce reminded me that it is just another human invention. I think a lot of people are perfectly justified in seeking happiness in a second marriage, for me I think the idea of marriage has lost its lustre, and unfortunately most women I would be interested in having a LTR with who have never been married really do yearn for a wedding in their future.

On the flip side, maybe my thoughts on marriage would change again... I really don't know, I think the idea of common law spouses is pretty natural, so even if I never want another marriage ceremony I don't think I am against the principles of living out my life with one woman.


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## 2ntnuf

TrueLovely said:


> Bindsided everytime @SimplyAmourouse. I believe in forgiveness, but I just have a hard time with not having the security of knowing that certian things wont be done. And now, even if I choose to stay in the marriage, I am so damage and insecure about so many things, It seems like i would just stay married, to have another body around.
> 
> I understand every marriage is to be different, but there are supposed to be some core beliefs when it comes to christan marriage. *It just sucks that it seems like, being a "man" overrides so many of these beliefs.* I know of many other stories and instances simialar to mine. I just feel like, as a christian, if I am to expect the same thing, as someone who dosent believe, whats the point
> 
> @Lon, I agree whole heartedly with a lot of your comments. I know we are flawed, but shouldnt there be some difference in te who profess the faith? I really dont want to get married again, because it really seems theres no point. The stock someone mention in it, seems very low to me.
> 
> But if I want, sex, say for instance, If I choose to partake of it outside of marriage, It is a sin. So I would have a very hard time doing it with a clear conscience. But maybe thats somthing, as a woman, I should take care of myself also, *since I am at fault for depending on my husband to ''impregnate'' me, and expect to much, for believing he should do his best to provide for his family.*




Don't understand the first statement. That is not the way I understand it.

How are _ you_ at fault? I don't get this either.


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## Lon

2ntnuf, I was not speaking of you personally, I hope you did not take it that way... I would never accuse one whom I know nothing of, of leading others astray.

Peace to you as well!


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## TrueLovely

Well when you get, even christian advice, saying men are visual creatures. Or when im supposed to believe that my husband loves me, but due to his male urges and desires, he cant help to want another woman at tmes, because its in his ''nature''. Like the fact that married men look at porn, even in the church. If you have a woman at home you can screw, why would you need to look at porn? How wives are replaced by other women, frequently. That it is such a hard thing to be content with one woman, that it happens over and over again, even in the church. Like some say, pastors even do it. David, who had multiple wives, still cheated, and had a man killed over a "beautiful'' woman, he knew nothing about, he just wanted to screw.

The first and second responders to my post, pretty much left me with, the impression, of the second comment you bolded.


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## MrsKy

TrueLovely said:


> You know, somtimes I feel like Job, when I listen to peoples response, to my frusteration about my situation. Its all some how my fault, and if I was just an indepent, birthcontroll, pill popping, smart woman of the 2oth century. This would have never happend to me.
> 
> Because God knows that all births here on this earth are planned. And every woman should be completely fine with the option of taking false hormones/chemicals, to protect themselves from being "impregnated' by their "husbands".
> 
> God forbid if you have any feelings other than "pessimistic" happiness, Or defeated sadness, when you face situations, that are awful. Because God forbid you hold anyone to accountability, or trust them. You have to have it all planned out right? sigh. As hard as it may be for some to believe, I am supporting, myself and our children, pretty much alone. And its damn hard, but guess what, I hold myself to a higher accountability, and im going to walk out my commitment as a mother, and not cheat on th em, and try to replace them with other children. Abandon them then tell them they should have had a back up plan.
> 
> Thank you to the one person who offerd words of encouragement. Your prayers are greatly appreciated.


There are more methods of birth control than the Pill. If you were not fine with taking hormones, you could have used another method if you did not want children. 

I certainly don't blame you for what your husband has done. However, I do think that we all need to take responsibility for the choices we have made. Just as you do not deserve to be attacked for your husband's reprehensible actions, nobody else but *you *is responsible for *your* chosen paths in life. 

I am glad that you are a devoted single mother. Your children need at least one parent who does not run off on them. :smthumbup: Hopefully this experience taught you lessons about what can happen when a woman allows herself to be completely dependent on her husband. If the husband is a good and decent man, it can work out very well but if a dependent woman is married to a cheater or an abuser, God help her. 

Keep praying and being a good mom!


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