# Communication



## LuckyMe220 (Jul 29, 2014)

I tend to not say things and hold them in for the sake of arguing with my spouse. Then one day something so small can trigger all my past feelings and I let it all out. How can I express my feelings before it gets to that point?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Say it as soon as you feel it.


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## LuckyMe220 (Jul 29, 2014)

I do try that sometimes but i find myself yelling and screaming so much I don't think he hears anything.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why do you yell and scream? Can't you just tell him what's on your mind without yelling and screaming? Are your emotions out of control? Take some deep breaths and wait until you've calmed down and can speak without yelling. If you can't manage that, write it down and email it to him. If you start name-calling and YELLING in your email to him, don't send it until you can write it in a more civil way.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Maybe write down what your feeling or if there a problem ect , edit it to the main points/issues address them with your spouse when your in a calm state.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's not so much communication as working on your boundaries and knowing where your comfort level is. 

I found that I needed to stop telling myself that the little things didn't matter. They do matter. They comprise the largest part of your life. 

If you are constantly being pinged and prodded with small irritations sooner or later you're going to snap. Small irritations that are random and persistent are a very effective form of psychological torture. (My neighbor tried it with trash against me, didn't go to well for him, hahaha.) 

Now if you tell your spouse in a nice way that such and such bothers you and is it important for him to do that, or can he do it another way that doesn't cause irritation for you, and he calls you a b*tch instead of reaching some solution with you, then that's a different issue altogether.

But normally, if you tell a spouse, partner, friend, co-worker that something upsets you or irritates you and it's a reasonable request, they're not going to call you a b*tch, they will understand and if they care about you and the relationship, will try to make it work (and also stick up for their own boundaries/needs.)

Some people will irritate you on purpose, so telling them what bothers you isn't a good strategy, but the majority of people are not psychopaths. You can find out what you're dealing with one way or the other by starting small and extremely reasonable.

Usually anger is at yourself, for not taking care of your needs/boundaries earlier, it's not fair to expect someone to be a mind reader... if you haven't communicated about the small things that piled up and made you snap, resolve to forgive yourself about that and to start chipping away at making your life more comfortable for yourself. It won't happen overnight because it didn't get that way overnight.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You know what's bothering you but you just don't bring things up until you are ready to explode. Then when you explode the issue is lost and the horrible scene becomes THE ISSUE.

What I find helps is to write things down. Before you blow up, just go on a word dump. Start writing on the topic and write and write until you are drained. I do this on the computer so that I can keep up with my ranting mind. Usually by the time I'm done ranting, most of what I've written can be discarded. But I've boiled it down to the few tings that I really need to say. And so that's what I talk about... what the real problem/issue is.


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## LuckyMe220 (Jul 29, 2014)

all good responses!! I yell and scream usually because either he has done something that makes me that upset or i've asked time and time to not do something or it could be as simple as taking out the trash. No matter how many times i say it he doesn't do it until I yell and by that time i'm upset because I shouldn't have to do all of that just for him to do what he should be doing in the first place. But I can see where I need to stop and talk calmly so that I can express myself without all the extra stuff


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How about some info here so we can help you brain storm further?

How long have the two of you been married?

Do you have children? If so how man and how old?

Do you have a job outside the home or is he the bread winner?


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Good communication ISN'T just stating your feelings or what is upsetting you. That is actually the start to some BAD communication. Example:

"Honey, I am angry that you worked late again, even though you knew I was making a nice dinner at a certain time. It shows disrespect for my time, and makes me feel unimportant."

This might look like "good" communication, but in fact such a statement is likely to make your spouse feel instantly judged and on the defensive. 

Good communication meets the other partner halfway, and demonstrates both trust and an ability to consider more than just your own perspective. For example:

"Honey, I am so grateful for how hard you work. I know you hate those long hours at the office even more than I do, but you put up with it because supporting our family is important to you. That means a lot to me. Can I tell you something? It really throws my dinner plans off when you are late and I don't have any notice. I know you dislike that too...can we work something out so that I won't be surprised by this?"

Honestly, what spouse wouldn't hear something like this and immediately apologize, and start brainstorming on how to avoid surprise late nights in the future? No spouse I know. In fact, when my husband and I have talks like these, we end them feeling CLOSE, like a great TEAM, and brimming over with love and appreciation for each other.

I agree with the posters who say to communicate as soon as possible...unless you don't yet have that perspective. If you are still feeling too angry or judgmental, unwilling to see your spouse's side of things or give them the benefit of the doubt, then take a minute until you can. Don't burn the bridge you need to cross.


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## LuckyMe220 (Jul 29, 2014)

together 6 married 3
3 children 8yrs, 6yrs, & 4yrs
I was the breadwinner until recently now I'm home


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you planning on going back to work?

Has he cut back on what he does around the place now that you are at home? Or did you do most everything at home even when you were the breadwinner?

Did he have a job while you were the bread winner? or was he unemployed? or at school?

Is he working now?


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## mahbae (Oct 3, 2015)

Have you tried mindfulness?


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