# Hurting so bad



## toblkflys (Jun 28, 2013)

First of all I'm in a lesbian relationship, please don't judge that. So after finding out my WS was having an affair on me two weeks ago today we go to counseling (our second session) and she says that she is "done." She won't even give our relationship a chance at R. We have been together for 10 years. Of course this comes on the heels of her finding out I called the OW's partner to tell her her spouse was having an affair with mine. So somehow between the OW and my partner they convinced the OW's partner that I was crazy and there was no affair. She warned me that if I contacted the OW's partner again that they would put a court order on me for harassment. My partner managed to convince the OW's spouse that I was the crazy one! The OW's spouse is in serious denial because I knew her partner's favorite color, I knew what time she went to bed and got up based on when my partner checked her phone. I'm feeling pretty crazy and confused.
She said that I haven't made her happy in a long time. That I've changed in the last year...the only way she could describe it was my "essence" changed. I'm feeling really low and depressed. I feel like if I could have done better I wouldn't have broken the relationship. If I had done things differently, made her happy somehow this wouldn't be happening. My whole life has changed in two weeks. What I thought was a happy relationship was a lie. I thought we'd grow old together. We had even talked about marriage in a state that allows that in March of this year! What did I do wrong? I just want to die.


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Well welcome to the forum you are now part of the club no one wants to be in . Sorry you are going through this I want to reassure you that no one will be taking pot shots at your sexual orientation we had another lesbian who had her spouse cheating on her as well I never saw any posts that were judging here. Many here just care about YOU we don't care what you like to do sexually. The fact that you are being cheated on makes you part of the club everything else is secondary to that. Let me give you some basics.

1. Nothing you could of done would of prevented this from happening. You did nothing to deserve this. You are not at fault. You are taking her cheating as a value judgment on yourself instead it just shows how low her morals are.

2. What do you want to do? Do you want her back do you want to call it quits? Do you just want to stop hurting and don't care how that happens?

3. The exposure sounds good but did you expose to your friends and family? This has two things one it takes away the sizzle and it brings the light of day into the affair.

4. Don't believe her words she is going to rewrite the past to demonize you this is so she can justify her actions. You have to be worse than her because otherwise she would be the bad guy and her ego can't take that.

5. You have a lot of options on what you can do but we would need more information on what kind of relationship it was to begin with. Did you feel fulfilled? Did she feel fulfilled? Any major changing moments in the last year?


Again you are not to blame she is the one cheating. She is one betraying your love. She is the one betraying your trust. You are the one who is faithful. You are the one with integrity. You are the one with honor.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It's not your fault, repeat it over and over. Your partner is still in the fog, she's not thinking she's just in a high of brain chemicals right now. 

The other betrayed spouse is in denial it's hard to accept

Please search for member almostrecovered he has links in his signature that will help you get started.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Sorry, Toblkflys. I know it hurts. I agree with cel. Just know that she is the one who broke the vows. If she had integrity, she would have spoken with you, addressed issues with therapy or broken up before the affair. 

All I can say is that the pain will ease. Stay busy, try to stay outwardly focused, and while you need to go through the grieving, work hard to keep your thoughts moving in a positive direction. Know that you have behaved with honor, be nice to yourself, vent when you need to and when it becomes overwhelming, get outside.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

toblkflys said:


> First of all I'm in a lesbian relationship, please don't judge that. So after finding out my WS was having an affair on me two weeks ago today we go to counseling (our second session) and she says that she is "done." She won't even give our relationship a chance at R. We have been together for 10 years. Of course this comes on the heels of her finding out I called the OW's partner to tell her her spouse was having an affair with mine. So somehow between the OW and my partner they convinced the OW's partner that I was crazy and there was no affair. She warned me that if I contacted the OW's partner again that they would put a court order on me for harassment. My partner managed to convince the OW's spouse that I was the crazy one! The OW's spouse is in serious denial because I knew her partner's favorite color, I knew what time she went to bed and got up based on when my partner checked her phone. I'm feeling pretty crazy and confused.
> She said that I haven't made her happy in a long time. That I've changed in the last year...the only way she could describe it was my "essence" changed. I'm feeling really low and depressed. I feel like if I could have done better I wouldn't have broken the relationship. If I had done things differently, made her happy somehow this wouldn't be happening. My whole life has changed in two weeks. What I thought was a happy relationship was a lie. I thought we'd grow old together. We had even talked about marriage in a state that allows that in March of this year! What did I do wrong? I just want to die.


What we can learn here is that a Lesbian WS is just as into the fog of infidelity and the wonders of revisionism and re-inventing the history of the relationship as any heterosexual WS. 

Your essence changed? Oh, man! Nowt but sick psychobabble! :crazy:

Yes, you do want to die. I went through that, too. I think we all do. But somehow, we all get through it. 

And you did nothing wrong. Not a damn thing. It's all on her.

We are here for you.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

toblkflys said:


> She said that I haven't made her happy in a long time. That I've changed in the last year...the only way she could describe it was my "essence" changed.


Please, tell me you are giving at this big pile of bull no more than a nanosecond of brain time and credibility.
What a crock!

The fact she's demonizing to OW's partner says it all.

She's a lier, a cheater and stil had the nerve to paint you as a crazy woman. What a ****ty way to dishonor ten years of marriage! What a shame! What a shameful woman.
And she comes up with this "essence change"? Really.

Kick her to the curv, you deserve better. Tell her you are ashamed of her. Dark on her, 180 all the way.

I'd be tempted to snoop even further and destroy any chance she has with OW (becasue of course you realize she's just underground with her, right?) by exposing hard core, undeniable evidence. Just because. As a good bye FU. Leave her with a taste of your essence.


----------

