# Question for other Men - Anger



## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

My story is out there - look for my threads if you need details. My wife cheated and we are in R. She is (almost) doing everything right, after the trickle truth. She is now in IC, we stopped MC. I refuse to go to IC b/c I am sick of telling my story.... I have seen two different IC's and neither did much for me.

The issue I have with myself is dealing with the anger. I find myself wanting to find a reason to *uck somebody up,anybody. Today, somebody flipped me off during road rage, (I got to close to their bumper while trying to get through the light), I pulled over just hoping he would get out of his car. Luckily, he did not. 

The OM lives locally. I have been to his house, never met him, but disclosed the relationship with his wife. I have texted him after I found out, he threaten suicide if I didn't tell his wife. He tried to manipulate me into not telling, I eventually told his wife. I drive near his house everyday going to work, which is triggers every f'n morning. I know what his truck looks like, I see one that looks like it, and get angry. 

Anger - to the point that I want to destroy someone. I have NEVER felt like this. It's been 6 months, do I need professional help? Do other betrayed men feel like this? I consider myself an alpha male. My anger actually resides with two people, one of which I am trying to reconcile with, and the other I hope would just disappear. Unfortunately, I am concerned some random hothead could discover what an angry man I am, and it could cost me.....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Go to anger management classes if not IC. They can give you tips and tricks to help ease your anger. I'm going to say something unpopular, but your R may not be going as well as you think. Remember, you do not owe her, kids, family or ANYONE reconciliation. You need to do it because YOU want to.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

gym membership and a punching bag. has other benefits as well.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I'd say start by not driving by OM's house. It does you no favors and it brings to boil already volatile emotions within you.
I'd also say give IC another shot, you maybe sick of telling your story but you need other outlets besides letting the anger fester inside of you.

Anger management classes are a good idea but they might also want to get to the bottom of what is making you angry, the triggers etc..that will mean talking about the infidelity. 

No easy answers, just a bunch of continued hard work but keep at it.. you might want to join a gym or boxing class..channel that energy somewhere else and continue the healing.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pauslon said:


> My story is out there - look for my threads if you need details. My wife cheated and we are in R. She is (almost) doing everything right, after the trickle truth. She is now in IC, we stopped MC. I refuse to go to IC b/c I am sick of telling my story.... I have seen two different IC's and neither did much for me.
> 
> The issue I have with myself is dealing with the anger. I find myself wanting to find a reason to *uck somebody up,anybody. Today, somebody flipped me off during road rage, (I got to close to their bumper while trying to get through the light), I pulled over just hoping he would get out of his car. Luckily, he did not.
> 
> ...


*Of course you need professional help.*

ASAP. Before you get yourself into trouble.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

x598 said:


> gym membership and a punching bag. has other benefits as well.


Ditto this. Best anger management you can get for something like this. Helluva lot cheaper than IC too.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

There is a great thread on this site called Just Let them Go, find it and read it. Your anger is not helping anything including you find something to do to release your anger in a healthy way. Gym, running, beat the snit out of a punching bag but get out of your soul. You need to learn to control your anger or it will control you.

There is not a BS here at TAM that has not gone through the same emotion. Anger is something you need for a while but get on top of this. Best of wishes to you and sorry you are here.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

You know what....do what i did. Make him look like the pig he is to his wife. Make his wife realize how much better of a man you are and she wishes you were her husband.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm going to slightly disagree with you arked. It's why I didn't suggest weightlifting and a heavy bag. He wants to take this out on RANDOM people, not just the other man. To me, that is not normal helpful anger, it is anger induced rage. He needs help dealing with that type of aggression because it is completely different than what you suggested.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'm going to slightly disagree with you arked. It's why I didn't suggest weightlifting and a heavy bag. He wants to take this out on RANDOM people, not just the other man. To me, that is not normal helpful anger, it is anger induced rage. He needs help dealing with that type of aggression because it is completely different than what you suggested.


I used to have that same random aggression and anger too. That heavy bag allowed me to release a LOT of that rage and anger so that I was better able to control it and not take it out on some innocent person(s).

Now, if that doesn't alleviate the anger to where it's at least more manageable in the situations he described, then he definitely needs to get some IC going, and soon.

Just saying it worked for me. I know that rage. 

Mercy. Hope to never go there again.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Everything everyone has said. Plus one more thing: six months is not that long. It will get better. But you have to make sure you don't screw yourself in the meantime. Best o' luck, bro.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think you are feeling this way because you (rightfully) feel they both are getting away with this "scott free" and you are the only one experiencing pain. Have you given consideration to doing something (legal) to even the score? Especially where your WW is concerned?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's a quiz:

Which of the below is correct if you act on your anger.

A. Spending time in jail 

B. Getting sued and having to pay out megabucks

C. Directing you anger at and injuring an innocent party.

D. Getting your own azz whipped.

E. All of the above.

Now, for the essay part, who was really the person responsible for what's got you ginned up.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Now tell me again who was really the person responsible for what's got you ginned up.


Too many men seem to overlook (avoid) this.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Too many men seem to overlook (avoid) this.


True, but sometimes you just have to if your goal is reconciliation.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I know how you feel but remember those random guys are somebodies dad or son that had absolutely nothing to do with POSOM. And even if you do see OM out and bust him upside his head you won't really feel any better. I know from experience because I carried a lot of anger and still do. I was at a gas station and saw POFSOM. You may know the feeling you get when you just lose control. Your face gets hot, ears ringing and heart pumping kind of feeling. I was going to be a badass and take him out with one hit. Bad idea because what you see on TV don't happen in real life, instead of him falling like a rock and me turning and walking into the sunset I broke my hand and it hurt like he!!. I am lucky he didn't get me arrested. You need to find a release to help with the anger. Hope things get better for you. 
X


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

3putt said:


> True, but sometimes you just have to if your goal is reconciliation.


I hear you .... but that's why many men can't get over the anger IMO.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I hear you .... but that's why many men can't get over the anger IMO.


You may have a point. But there are other ways of attacking as well, and in ways that hurt a helluva lot more than any physical pain you could inflict.....and legal too. 

Every time I say that I think of our old buddy Dig. That was some serious payback.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Yes, you could benefit from some counseling. If you've found the previous two counselors ineffective, keep looking. Write up a list of questions on a notebook an ask those questions of every counselor you call.

Focus your search on couples counselors who also do individual counseling. If you find your counselor to be effective you can then attend MC with the same person if you still feel like you want to do it.

I went through 6 counselors before I found a great one. Never have a followup session with a counselor you do not click with right away, its a waste of time. You have to be able to feel vulnerable without worrying about being judged. When I found the right counselor for me, I had a breakthrough in the very first 20 min of our very first session.

sample questions:

1. How long have you been a counselor and what is your educational backgroud?

2. What is the primary focus of your practice?

3. Would you be comfortable seeing me individually and then both me and my wife at the same time?

4. What days of the week and hours do you work?

5. What is your first open slot?

6. How quickly do you return phone calls? (emergency contact?)

7. How much do you charge?

8. Do you take my insurance?

9. Appointment cancellation policy?

10. Questions for me?

That should be a good starting list. Tweak it how you see fit, and don't be afraid to call and schedule with a few different ones for the same week.

Change how you get to work every morning so you dont drive past his house. Change the association in you mind between that type of truck and him. Pretend your favorite movie star/hero drives that truck, or that it was the truck that hit the OM.

The gym has been suggested, and I second that. I did fencing for the first few months after D-day, it was a good release. 

Lastly, its perfectly normal to feel angry, even 6 months out, there really isnt a schedule for how a person progresses through the stages of grief.


Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

There are five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Until #5 is fully achieved, you will travel between the others in a seemingly random way. How quickly you progress in the stages depends on how much help you are getting and how well you are taking care of yourself. Best of luck, be well.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

3putt said:


> Every time I say that I think of our old buddy Dig. That was some serious payback.


True .... That was epic. But IMO ... His WW got away with it.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

why did you decide to reconcile with your wife?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

3putt said:


> True, but sometimes you just have to if your goal is reconciliation.


What is really accomplished by shifting their share (in reality the lions share) of responsibility to some else. In reading these post, it seems that some of the BSs shift virually 100% of the responsibility on to the other person. 
This type of coping strategy, and that's really all it is, has Paulson so wound up its pitiful. He's like the cartoon of the two vultures saying, "patients hell, I'm going out a kill something.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> What is really accomplished by shifting their share (in reality the lions share) of responsibility to some else. In reading these post, it seems that some of the BSs shift virually 100% of the responsibility on to the other person.
> This type of coping strategy, and that's really all it is, has Paulson so wound up its pitiful. He's like the cartoon of the two vultures saying, "patients hell, I'm going out a kill something.


I would agree with that for the most part, and logically as well, but sometimes logic just doesn't come into play with betrayal at this level. 

It's just a primal instinct with some of us. I understand where he's coming from 100%. I not trying to say I condone his way of thinking or dealing with it anymore than I condone mine way back when.

I just understand it. It's simply how some of us are wired. Hey, I wish I were wired differently, because if a certain heavy door didn't have a certain heavy duty deadbolt lock on it ten years ago, I may not even be engaged in this conversation with you right now.

I don't like it, but it just is.

It's scary to have to face what you're capable of under the right conditions.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

pauslon said:


> My story is out there - look for my threads if you need details. My wife cheated and we are in R. She is (almost) doing everything right, after the trickle truth. She is now in IC, we stopped MC. I refuse to go to IC b/c I am sick of telling my story.... I have seen two different IC's and neither did much for me.
> 
> The issue I have with myself is dealing with the anger. I find myself wanting to find a reason to *uck somebody up,anybody. Today, somebody flipped me off during road rage, (I got to close to their bumper while trying to get through the light), I pulled over just hoping he would get out of his car. Luckily, he did not.
> 
> ...


Take care of that anger issue and make sure you don't direct it to anyone that is not involved in your situation. If there is anyone that should bear the brunt of your anger it's the wife that cheated on you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

3putt said:


> True, but sometimes you just have to if your goal is reconciliation.


That's a big part of the reason why I didn't reconcile.

Why should I have to give up my self respect because my ex had none for herself?

Seems like most of the people who reconcile rug sweep the anger for their spouse and focus it all on the OM. In my mind, while the OM was the known enemy, the knife in the back came from the spouse who was the traitor and invited him in to destroy our relationship. She essentially sold me out for a POS.

Some people can put that aside. I simply can't.... Better to let go than live a life of resentment and anger like so many here opine about years later.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

3putt said:


> I used to have that same random aggression and anger too.


Random aggression and pulling your car over HOPING something will jump off are two different things.

We will just have to disagree on this part. It's exactly why I said slightly earlier. I understand what you are saying about the random anger and aggression and I agree. We just aren't looking at it the same way. I am applying it to anger spilling over to where you want to attack random people and pulling over cars, when YOU are in the wrong, is something else that needs to be treated and helped.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's a big part of the reason why I didn't reconcile.
> 
> Why should I have to give up my self respect because my ex had none for herself?
> 
> ...


Wonderfully said!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's a big part of the reason why I didn't reconcile.
> 
> Why should I have to give up my self respect because my ex had none for herself?
> 
> ...


This is one of those discussions where there really is no definitive right or wrong. It's completely up to the individual as to what course to choose. Most choose wrong, but that's not my problem.

I didn't reconcile, but the one thing that I would disagree with you on is that if the anger is directed towards the POSOM, then the WW gets off with nothing more than rug sweeping. You can extract your pound of flesh from the POSOM while at the same time holding your WW's feet to the fire.

While I'll certainly agree that it's handled that way a lot of times, it's not the way I would do it. I have plenty enough anger to spread around equally under those circumstances.

BTDT


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Random aggression and pulling your car over HOPING something will jump off are two different things.
> 
> We will just have to disagree on this part.


I don't think we're disagreeing at all here, just taking different approaches to a solution. He has a LOT of pent up anger and he needs to find an outlet for him. IC, punching bag, bark at the moon...whatever. Just take a proactive instead of reactive approach to finding something that eases that rage before he winds up somewhere he really doesn't want to be.

Just do something to start. Anything.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I do anger management. I had a road rage incident shortly after I came home from Iraq. I went in for one hour of therapy and that is all I needed. It shook me up.

1. Anger is not the first emotion. The first emotion is one of many, hurt, disrespect, insult, etc, that springs into anger. Figure out the first emotion and work on that.
2. When you are angry you are always right and justified. Yes, you feel this way when you are angry, but oftentimes you are just plain wrong.
3. Not all anger is wrong. It is what you do with it that can cause problems.
4. Simple things like counting to ten, walking away, pulling over, backing up are ways to cope with anger.
5. Being angry with your wife and the OM is not wrong. But try to direct your anger into something constructive and positive.
6. You can use self talk. "Man, I just drove by the OM's house and it pis*es me off, but I am in control and I will not allow my anger to get the best of me".
7. Getting help for this can be very useful. You may be like me and find you don't need much, but spending one hour with a good psychologist was well worth it for me. And you know what? It was not rocket science. Most of what I shared with you is what the psychologist shared with me and it works. Simple stuff.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I used have the same anger issues. I found that channeling my feeling into workouts really helped. I've always been in good shape and am an amateur MMA fighter. I started a spin class shortly after dday and it gave me another outlet to channel my anger. There is the added benefit of having a focal point to push yourself harder. Every time I felt I couldn't put more into a workout I thought about her with an OM and was able to push harder.

There were times my sparring partners wondered what had gotten into me. But, I'm 44 and most of them are in their 20's and are professional MMA fighters. My son is one of them and he know the whole story. Needless to say, I usually get my a$$ kicked but even that helps. Just letting it all out when you're triggering makes a difference.

I'm not saying you should start fighting. But I am saying when you push yourself to extremes physically and channel mental anger into it you benefit both physically and mentally.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I do anger management. I had a road rage incident shortly after I came home from Iraq. I went in for one hour of therapy and that is all I needed. It shook me up.
> 
> 1. Anger is not the first emotion. The first emotion is one of many, hurt, disrespect, insult, etc, that springs into anger. Figure out the first emotion and work on that.
> 2. When you are angry you are always right and justified. Yes, you feel this way when you are angry, but oftentimes you are just plain wrong.
> ...


Good insight here. Especially #1; anger is not the first emotion. It's the symptom of hurt, confusion, disillusion, and many other emotions.

I channeled my anger into workouts but didn't really get better until I got over the disillusion of who I thought my wife was. In the early stages of recovery I was able to use my anger to push myself. I think that conditioned me to rely on the anger. So, now I still sometimes get angry without the underlying emotion. But I still use it to my advantage and I understand it.

Understanding where your emotions come from is important. It's not something you normally think about. Luckily, we have people who understand much better than we do. Finding a good counselor can help.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

3putt said:


> It's just a primal instinct with some of us. I understand where he's coming from 100%. I not trying to say I condone his way of thinking or dealing with it anymore than I condone mine way back when.


I preached about the uselessness and danger of going after the other man before; only to the umbrage of some readers. I had a cousin in law whose wife left him for a friend of his. About six months later they attempted to reconcile and like on this board, the ex friend OM was a POS who seduced his wife. I know for a fact this chick was caught "parking" with her co-worker. I know the officer who caught her.
To make a short story long, my cousin in law decided he couldn't stand knowing his ex friend slept with his wife, ran into the guy at a local Denny's and started punching him out in the parking lot. The guy put a 9mm slug in his chest. One guys dead, and the other is doing life over in Sparta Ga. The wife. She moved to Destin Florida after collecting a healthy life insurance payout and marrying a retired Lt. Colonel less than six months after they buried her husband.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

You don't need professional help for reacting the way God wants you to react.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I preached about the uselessness and danger of going after the other man before; only to the umbrage of some readers. I had a cousin in law whose wife left him for a friend of his. About six months later they attempted to reconcile and like on this board, the ex friend OM was a POS who seduced his wife. I know for a fact this chick was caught "parking" with her co-worker. I know the officer who caught her.
> To make a short story long, my cousin in law decided he couldn't stand knowing his ex friend slept with his wife, ran into the guy at a local Denny's and started punching him out in the parking lot. The guy put a 9mm slug in his chest. One guys dead, and the other is doing life over in Sparta Ga. The wife. She moved to Destin Florida after collecting a healthy life insurance payout and marrying a retired Lt. Colonel less than six months after they buried her husband.


He died from a 9mm round?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

DarkHoly said:


> He died from a 9mm round?


Dont most police officers carry 9mm? 
4 life hacks from ancient philosophers that will make you happier - The Week


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

I was immensely angry when I found out. I've never hit a woman, and I never will. But I did have a strong urge to slap the **** outta my ex and maybe put other man in a dirt nap. But, I didn't. 

What helped me was the divorce. My anger really reduced after I divorced her and booted her to the curb. 

So just ponder on that one. 


Also, yeah, heavy bag and weights. And running. Running is really, really helpful. Lots or it. I ran about 40 miles or so a week for the first month or so. Then I'd take my son with me to the football stadium and beast wind sprints tell I'd dry heave. 


That just about did it. 

But you will always have anger about it tho. This is just something you'll have to adjust too and accept. Distance is the best. 

Hence the divorce option. You won't have to look the catalyst of you're anger in the face everyday. 

Good luck. Don't get into a fight. With all the pvssy dudes out there that can't take an a$$ whoopin' like a man, you'll probably get sued and go to jail. Not worth it. 

Sorry you're going through this. The anger I think is very, very prominent for betrayed men. It's just kinda in our DNA.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

x598 said:


> gym membership and a punching bag. has other benefits as well.



Yep particularly the heavy bag!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

DarkHoly said:


> He died from a 9mm round?


Why is that surprising? The human body isnt exactly made out of titanium. Center of mass impact from a 9mm will be plenty to kill a human without body armor.

This just made the rounds a week or two ago:

WICKED: Snow-Mobiler Shoots and Kills Attacking Moose with GLOCK! (GRAPHIC VIDEO) - Clash Daily

Dude takes down a moose with a 9mm. If its enough to kill a moose, its certainly enough to kill a man.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I am not a person who normally acts out of anger, but on one occasion during the lowest point of dealing with the sh!t soon after Dday I was driving with my W and was suddenly so overcome with rage that I had a very strong urge just to drive into a tree. I had to pull over and let her take the wheel.

That anger was irrationally self-destructive. OP, the suggestions given here for anger management and/or channeling aggression into a physical outlet are worth serious consideration.

Fortunately for me, I never had an episode like that again.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you put the posom on cheaterville.com? Other posters have said they really relished doing that, I know it would give me many smiles if I could have done that many years ago.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I agree with Chap.
Posted the same suggestion on your main thread.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Paladin said:


> Why is that surprising? The human body isnt exactly made out of titanium. Center of mass impact from a 9mm will be plenty to kill a human without body armor.
> 
> This just made the rounds a week or two ago:
> 
> ...


I was hit in the chest by a 9mm round when I was 19. I'm fine. I'm not flabbergasted by it, I'm just curious. Even if it hit a crucial point, I imagine the husband would have been able to rearrange the OM's face before he bit it


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'm going to slightly disagree with you arked. It's why I didn't suggest weightlifting and a heavy bag. He wants to take this out on RANDOM people, not just the other man. To me, that is not normal helpful anger, it is anger induced rage. He needs help dealing with that type of aggression because it is completely different than what you suggested.


That's a ticking time bomb.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Until a few weeks ago I walked around with anger everyday. It wasn't until I started thinking that every time I got mad I was letting her have power over me. Now I see her with sadness and disappointment with just a little anger thrown in for flavor.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

I'm coming up to my 3rd yr since D-Day this May. First, let me say, I am a female, would have been married 30 yrs this Jan, h had an affair 27 yr. We are separated, seeing MC, dont know how it is all going to end up.

I carried around hate and anger for over two years, and only the last 6 months have been able to let go. My anger was bad, to the point when strangers would share pleasantries as, How are you?" I would snap and respond with,"Oh F.U. Do you really care?"

I was not nice. This wasn't me at all. This whole life changing event brought out a side of me so unknown, it controlled me. It scared me. I lived this way for what seemed a long time. It kept me crippled. I was envious of the likes of flood, etc. that could just make the decision to D. ((hind-site I understand this way of thinking so much better now, but for me, was, and still am not, yet, in the driver seat $$, to do so.)) They all seemed to move on, not stay in this rage, this anger...

For me, I sank again so low, I had to get help medically for my anger, and it was only then that mine started to be under control. Now, since Nov. I'm living the way I should have been months before, and maybe I would not had had to go through so much hell with my own anger for so long.

The road that we are thrown on by our betrayed spouse is unlike any I have ever experienced. The reality is, can I live with the consequences of his affair? It has affected the relationship, changed us as individuals, & our relationship to each other. We are no longer "us", but now, there is a "me" & "he" , ...I dunno, but I do know, I couldn't make that decisions when I full of anger as I was, so believe me, I understand what you are feeling is only all to real. It is an ugly emotion to live with. 

What help also for me as a turning point was I started to read about anger. I wanted to understand where, what, and why it was so intense for me, when others didn't feel it as I did. When I started to understand that anger wasn't all that awful, had a good side to it, had 4 different stages too, I started to let go, and with the combo, of medication for me, my own thought process started to let go. I have no anger now. It never comes back. A whole lot of better emotions, better thinking, better ideas, have replaced that horrible place anger held for way to long.... 

Hang in there, this road is a nasty one, you gotta ride through it each day until one day things just distance themselves a bit...I don't envy you, stay posting, listening, learning, understanding, reading, and making your own judgements on how you want and can live your life. 

It is funny too in a way that I never ever, ever, ever, would have ever, ever, had admitted to when all of my mess started... but in a way, my life too has improved by all the trauma it has gone through the past almost 3 years. My life was so comfortable really, my bubble was soft, taken care of, blissful. Though I would have chosen another route, this has challenged me in ways that I haven't been challenge in light years. I've learned, I didn't die...

-sammy


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

On DD1, I had a staggering amount of anger. On DD2, I had even more anger. Serious rage. The type that can easily kill someone. Luckily for both of us, I contained it somehow. In between the two DD confrontations was 30 years of simmering anger that went underground during R. It was all directed at my now ex-husband and not at the OW. She didn't owe me anything. He did. Once I divorced him, the anger went away. 

The point is -- if you R then put the anger where it belongs. On your spouse. Not the OM/OW. And definitely not strangers.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Yeah I know that anger. Sometimes I feel like if I just beat the hell out of someone I'll feel better. 
Really though all it's doing is pushing everyone I love away from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

DarkHoly said:


> I was hit in the chest by a 9mm round when I was 19. I'm fine. I'm not flabbergasted by it, I'm just curious. Even if it hit a crucial point, I imagine the husband would have been able to rearrange the OM's face before he bit it


Was the shooter very far away from you? 9mm ammo usually travels at 1200-1400 fps (depending on grain weight) thats above the speed of sound, when that round impacts a body, it slows down to below the speed of sound, the shock wave it generates when it does that would probably put most people on their ass and into a state of panic/shock effectively ending their ability to re-arrange faces. 

Not to mention the hole and blood and all that other stuff like possibly punctured lungs and other damage to vitals. Doesnt sound like fun any way you cut it, I'm glad you survived the ordeal.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Just hope the guy you attack in your anger was also not recently angry because his wife cheated on him. 

You never know when he has the MMA training like mentioned by the Father. 

The rage is there for a long time and if you do not control it, you will end up in jail, sued or beat up. I still have flashes of anger and get feeling like the world is against me and the world better watch out. But if I keep up driving angry, looking for a fight, I will make it worse for me, my family and my employment. 

Do not take it out on some innocent person. I hope you are reading the suggestions about exercise, etc. Find a way to channel the anger. Have you told your WW about your anger? Hope she will not tell the OM. He may start carrying.

Good luck in channeling that anger.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You forced yourself to reconcile without totally absorbing the situation. These are the side effects. have you considered more open minded approach?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Military veterans here have said infidelity's effects are as bad as battle. Research ptsd. Here is one link http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/understanding_TX/booklet.pdf

There is a treatment that has something to do with treating the eyes with some kind of light that is supposed to be very affective and relatively fast. Sorry I cant remember the details but I bet Thorburn knows about it.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Reading sammy's post really made me think. On these forums you get a lot of advise that is good in a general sense but it may not be what's right for you.

Her experience was probably different from most. Her anger truly changed her for some time and she needed medical help to get it under control.

The point is, each of us is different. General advise may be a good starting point but you have to figure out what works for you. There is something that will help; you just need to keep trying things until you find out what it is.

Like sammy also said, not all anger is a bad thing. For me, I let myself get angry as a relief from feeling sad and depressed. All of these different emotions serve a purpose but too much of any one really can cause a lot of trouble.


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## Fun_One (May 28, 2014)

I'm dealing with a lot of the same demons as this thread. The internal anger rolls out and it's not pretty at times and I'm rather ashamed at myself later. At the time, "I was so right." 

Running and biking sometimes has the opposite effect. With an hour of alone time on a run, I'll dig deeper into her actions and come back even more upset than when I left. 

I'm up to my neck in talking with IC/MCs and don't want another session on Anger Management. *Can you recommend a good book that deals with Anger, Rage and Infidelity?*


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Openminded said:


> The point is -- if you R then put the anger where it belongs. On your spouse. Not the OM/OW. And definitely not strangers.


I agree that you should be angry with your wife. But the problem with that is after time, continued anger at her will derail your R. Also it's natural to reserve most of your anger for the POSOM, because instinctively you're trying to protect your love for your spouse.

So I say it's OK to be angry with the POSOM instead, but you've got to develop the self control not to act on it recklessly. In my case, if there's ever been a POSOM that deserved that anger, it's the one I dealt with. I still hate him with a burning passion after almost 3 years and if I have an extra opportunity to make his life miserable, I'll take it.

But you have to control your emotions and be smart.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

pauslon said:


> My story is out there - look for my threads if you need details. My wife cheated and we are in R. She is (almost) doing everything right, after the trickle truth. She is now in IC, we stopped MC. I refuse to go to IC b/c I am sick of telling my story.... I have seen two different IC's and neither did much for me.
> 
> The issue I have with myself is dealing with the anger. I find myself wanting to find a reason to *uck somebody up,anybody. Today, somebody flipped me off during road rage, (I got to close to their bumper while trying to get through the light), I pulled over just hoping he would get out of his car. Luckily, he did not.
> 
> ...


It's understandable my friend. I still get angry on occasion and I'm divorcing my WW. Dday was November 2012...so it takes a long time. I get the road rage thing - I went through a spell where I was cut off a couple times and I confronted the other driver, got in yelling matches and challenged them to get out of the car. As with you, they luckily didn't (lucky for both of us). 

It's the biggest betrayal/back stab/f*ck over of your entire life, by the one person you were supposed to trust and who was supposed to _have_ your back - not plunge a butcher knife into it. Of course you're angry. All I can say is do your best not to get yourself in trouble, and don't hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. 

I couldn't reconcile because I couldn't live with a walking, talking trigger, so, I know it's hella hard for you. Like others have said, take it out on a bag, hit the gym. If you're an alpha male that should be up your ally anyway.  And if it becomes out of control, see your doc. Remember the Friends episode with Ross and his rage? 

Best of luck bro, and stay strong.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

X-Betaman said:


> I know how you feel but remember those random guys are somebodies dad or son that had absolutely nothing to do with POSOM. And even if you do see OM out and bust him upside his head you won't really feel any better. I know from experience because I carried a lot of anger and still do. I was at a gas station and saw POFSOM. You may know the feeling you get when you just lose control. Your face gets hot, ears ringing and heart pumping kind of feeling. I was going to be a badass and take him out with one hit. Bad idea because what you see on TV don't happen in real life, instead of him falling like a rock and me turning and walking into the sunset I broke my hand and it hurt like he!!. I am lucky he didn't get me arrested. You need to find a release to help with the anger. Hope things get better for you.
> X


Oh snap! Did you at least mess his face up a bit? (Not condoning, just curious).


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Fun_One said:


> I'm dealing with a lot of the same demons as this thread. The internal anger rolls out and it's not pretty at times and I'm rather ashamed at myself later. At the time, "I was so right."
> 
> Running and biking sometimes has the opposite effect. With an hour of alone time on a run, I'll dig deeper into her actions and come back even more upset than when I left.
> 
> I'm up to my neck in talking with IC/MCs and don't want another session on Anger Management. *Can you recommend a good book that deals with Anger, Rage and Infidelity?*


Glad you resurrected this. I think I'd seen it, but forgotten. I'm another anger monger, too.

I made a half hearted attempt at controlling it by reading a book by Gary Chapman: Anger- Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way.

I probably got thru half, but it was either no help or made me even worse. I don't think there are a whole lot of guys out there writing books that come from the same shoes as some of the men they are trying to reach. Not sure that makes sense.

Some males grow up in a situation where there is only one way to handle another male pulling some shlt like this on you. Nothing else will do.

I've made 3 attempts at getting my hands on POSOM, but he backs down or hides. He'd probably buy new glasses, have a sex change, and travel in a wheelchair with a white cane if that's what it took. Still, I can't let it go. Yet I know persisting much more could cost me money.

The only things that have helped me are watching re-runs of "The Guns of Will Sonnet" (60s Western, Walter Brennan, Dack Rambo) and Saxondale (00's British comedy with Steve Coogan)
Both feature men with good ways of handling anger and confrontation. "No brag, just fact".

One more thing. This sounds flip, but isn't. I've had a little success with a tent, radio/kindle and bottle of Jack Daniels. We call it "going to the other side of the island". 
When you're by yourself in the pasture, woods, whatever, you can let your anger roll and no one is around to get hit with it.


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

Thank you everyone for their replies. I still have not seen an IC but my anger is subsiding a little every week. My solution has been seeking church, specifically Christianity at a non denominational, and listening to the way Jesus had been betrayed by all that he trusted, even his own father sacrificed him for the good of us sinners. Jesus felt alone in the world right before he was crucified. I can relate to that loneliness. 

That is my religious kick, I use to roll my eyes when people started preaching, but now I understand more of this world, my eyes have been opened.

I have always been in shape and gone to the gym, but I have put more focus on that as well. Starting new programs, etc (currently doing the 5x5). After I posted this thread, my WS which we are in R but does not know I post on this forum, kindly suggested I should start a boxing class to release some anger. Not only would this help me physically but keeps me off the bottle. I do not desire to down a pint of bourbon to ease my sadness right after I leave everything at the gym.

At night, I am still waking up every 4-5 hours, but generally I can fall back asleep. My wife gets up with me every time to comfort me. This sure beats the first 4 months after DD when I couldn't sleep for more then 2 hours..that was hell.

I still bounce around the five stages of grief, but anger and depression are no longer the dominant stages. I see myself getting better and light at the end, which is contradictory to depression. Loneliness and sadness still exists, but can be dealt with. I am emerging out of the dark days...there is hope.


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## Fun_One (May 28, 2014)

Paulson,

Thanks for the update. Glad you are finding a way out. It's tough to live being angry.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Paulson, funny you mention the boxing thing. I've wanted to do that many times since DDay. I'd have to drive too far for something like that, though. I do life weights, and feel that helps alot.

I ended up buying a "heavy" bag to hang in the barn, and bag gloves. Watched a few Youtube vids for pointers. Its extremely exhausting, but I don't utilize it enough. Need to get to the bag BEFORE the anger gets too bad, but its usually the other way around.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I get it I really do. Some triggers make me angrier than I ever thought I could get. I am a self control freak so there is no danger of hurting anyone, but sometimes I just need to break things. But nothing too valuable.

Exercise, especially competitive, helps.


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