# Parent role after Divorce?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

My wife and I recently divorced and have two pre-teens. The divorce was civil and we have remained civil, but it sometimes feels a bit awkward. We live fairly close. My wife has problems with the kids acting out, especially my daughter, when she is with her. Sometimes my ex-wife will call me in the middle of an episode and act like I should do something. If I speak about my ex at all in front of the kids, it is always good and I continue to support good behavior with my kids, but shouldn't we deal with the discipline issues when we have the kids. In other words, should I go running to her house to deal with an issue when she calls, or should my ex handle it? So far, i haven't had any major issues when they are with me. I know there are exceptions to everything, but as a general rule, what should I do?

Also, should punishments be carried over from place to place? For example, if one is grounded from tv at mom's house for a week, should that carry over when she visits me during that week?


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

You know how kids know the differences between you when you were together? They know who will say yes to this and no to something else? If you don't agree on certain things (my husband soaps mouths, I would never), I doubt it would carry over well anyway. Kids are used to having different rules in different places, so if you're firm with what you say, you (hopefully) will have just the typical problems. My husband and I divorced, remarried and are getting divorced, so I have too much experience with our kids stress! But I am more of a stickler for (self) discipline, my husband demands respect (I hope someday he learns that's earned!) I had three rules for our daughters: they had to do their chores, they had to do their homework and they couldn't get out-of-control. Not with each other, me a friend, whatever. Otherwise, tomorrow's a new day for privileges. My daughters knew I meant it and they got into the routine. There's no way my husband would ever have carried through with what I think of as character building and there's no way I can see his priorities as mine, 

Our kids acted out-some of it seems to be a function of divorce and stress, some of it may be testing. Our oldest daughter went through a horrendous time where she would have fighting tantrums (at about 11-13) and she was strong. She'd also break things. I really was busy those days and had to sometimes restrain her loosely on the floor (I'd been trained in take downs and loose body restraint) in previous work. It took some time, but I think (this is just my own theory) that if kids are under a lot of stress and acting out in one way or the other they are either doing it with the parent they trust to be able to handle it better or possibly testing the parents to see if you'll protect the boundaries that should be there for them-can they still trust you, despite the divorce? I hope that makes sense. If parents freak out or lose control themself, it does harm; although that can be corrected. If she calls you everytime, that will probably not be good for their relationship, or your's (as co-parents). They might decide to manipulate that certain direction of their own preference. If you were good parents before, take a deep breath and relax, you can handle it now. Our eldest, who "hates" school, is working and enrolled full-time in college. She's a pleasure to be around and often helpful and hardly ever gets angry anymore!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It's a very difficult dance, parenting after divorce. To a certain point, she should handle discipline problems that occur while the kids are with her, just as you should when they are with you. But....

If there's a big issue, say your daughter does something to earn a grounding for a week, and she's coming to your house mid-grounding...then you need to back your ex-wife up on that, just as she should back you up if you ground your daughter and she goes to Mom's mid-grounding. 

You should still back each other up in terms of expecting your kids to respect the parents, follow the rules (whether you agree with them or not!), etc. But that should be in the form of simply talking to the kids and making sure they understand, not running to your ex's house all the time to deal with the discipline problems she can't handle. 

If you think your kids are acting out as a result of the divorce, then you might want to consider having them see a therapist or family counselor, where they can talk about anything that's bothering them and get some help in learning how to deal with their new lives.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I find it curious that your daughter is acting out with her mother. Could she possibly be blaming her for the divorce? I know your wife was the one that wanted the divorce, could it be that your daughter knows this as well? She might be very angry with her mother over this. She needs to be in counseling to learn to handle it all.
And I absolutely think she should be dealing with behavioral issues when she's got her, and you deal with yours when they're with you. Unless it's an emergency situation (threatening suicide, etc.), SHE deals solo. She has to learn to parent these children on her own. And I agree that if there is a punishment enacted, then it carries on to the other parents' house as well. Punishment is punishment. If you don't get on the same page with it, the child will want to be with whichever parent is seen as the "easiest".


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I find it curious that your daughter is acting out with her mother. Could she possibly be blaming her for the divorce? I know your wife was the one that wanted the divorce, could it be that your daughter knows this as well? She might be very angry with her mother over this. She needs to be in counseling to learn to handle it all.
> And I absolutely think she should be dealing with behavioral issues when she's got her, and you deal with yours when they're with you. Unless it's an emergency situation (threatening suicide, etc.), SHE deals solo. She has to learn to parent these children on her own. And I agree that if there is a punishment enacted, then it carries on to the other parents' house as well. Punishment is punishment. If you don't get on the same page with it, the child will want to be with whichever parent is seen as the "easiest".


 My daughter knows that mom wanted the divorce. There are times when she is good as gold with her and others when she tells her she hates her and she is not afraid of her. I can tell my daughter has changed a little, but she has never done anything like that with me yet; she is usually in a good mood.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Then the poor girl is stuck with the emotions of loving her mother, and hating her at the same time. This happens with teenage girls anyway, regardless (at least that's been my experience, and that of everyone I know) but they grow out of it. She is likely seeing you as the "victim" here. I know your kids are pre-teens, but it's coming. There are likely so many emotions that they don't understand, and are just too young to handle. This is an adult situation that is hard enough for adults...imagine what it's like for the kids. I'd still get them in counseling, or get MYSELF there to know what to look out for, how to proceed, etc.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

southbound said:


> My wife and I recently divorced and have two pre-teens. The divorce was civil and we have remained civil, but it sometimes feels a bit awkward. We live fairly close. My wife has problems with the kids acting out, especially my daughter, when she is with her. Sometimes my ex-wife will call me in the middle of an episode and act like I should do something.


You could have ... if you lived in the same house, and were MARRIED. Here is your litmus test. If you're intervening is for the welfare or benefit of one of the kids ... do it. If it is to take the pressure off of your ex-wife, simply say: "I'm sorry, can't help you right now. I'm sure you will handle it."



> If I speak about my ex at all in front of the kids, it is always good and I continue to support good behavior with my kids, but shouldn't we deal with the discipline issues when we have the kids. In other words, should I go running to her house to deal with an issue when she calls, or should my ex handle it?


No, you shouldn't, unless it falls into the category above. If a child is at risk. You make some parenting decisions together, but no ... you do not go to the house when your ex feels challenged. 



> Also, should punishments be carried over from place to place? For example, if one is grounded from tv at mom's house for a week, should that carry over when she visits me during that week?


I had my ex try to foist this on me once. She wanted ME to carry out on consequences that SHE delivered but didn't have to deal with.
What you will no doubt find, is that in the short term, by far, it is going to be your ex that you need to set limits with - not your kids.

She told me what the expectation was, and my response without tone was:"That's not going to happen. But I will address it."

She insisted on knowing what I intended to do. I ended the conversation.

You have zero control over how she chooses to conduct her life and the decisions she makes. I'm presuming that you generally believe that she makes good decisions where your children are involved.

She should extend you the same courtesy.


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