# should I confess?



## whattodo09 (Apr 12, 2010)

I'm a wife having an affair, I told my husband a month ago I did not love him anymore and wanted to divorce, he wanted to know if there was someone else, I told him no, but the truth is I love this other person deeply.

The Affair is with an old High School, flame.. I was the girl not good enough for his parents, so naturally we grew apart. With no contact for 21 years, until recently 4 months ago to be exact, with the help of course of Facebook. The first afternoon we met up face to face was like we had never been apart, it was almost scary. I think about the other man 24/7. He is available to be with me, I'm the one married for 20 years and 2 kids later. 

My Husband said for me to tell the kids we were divorcing and the problem is I cannot do that, I tried. Kids are 13 and 15. I could not choose my happiness over theirs, but I'm miserable.

I have had a good life with my husband, but he has always put his work first over everything. On one had I should be thankful that he works and provide, but on the other hand, he has missed out on alot of things that have gone on in the lives of our kids. I was able to stay at home with the kids for the first 9 years and I am very thankful for that, but that did create loneliness issues for me. 

So I half way reconciled with the husband whom said he would try to change the things I pointed out as issues in our marriage. I tried to move on without the other man, I just cannot, I love and want to be with him. So my dilemma now is do I tell my husband about the other man? I turly want a future with the other man, I have already broken the husbands heart by wanting to divorce....I truly need some sound advice and have no where to turn...


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

IMHO.. telling him about other man is actually easy way out at this point. You should of course tell him, but everything is "out of sequence now".
Im guessing you fell for the other man because you didnt try or couldnt get through to H and felt unloved and the other guy fills this.. (much like your H did years ago). its all mess up now right?

If you really want to be with the other guy, (which i think may be a mistake) you should simply tell h that you dont love him and havnt loved him for a while (or at least dont want to be with him) and then take action and go. get some guts... what i mean by telling him about other man being easy is that you are only considering this because you know at that point H will make the decision for you. 
Make your decision and stand by it.

Other option of course is to tell him that you want to try to get back to the point where he fills these things for you.

Other man is just that...other man. Odds are in shorter time than your H, you'll be having those same feelings again.

So... to that. If you really want to go away from H, you should be on your own for a wile and let all the dust settle, get kids ok before you think about jumping right into someone elses house.

Sorry,, its not easy. Good luck!


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Well one thing you really need to make sure is that this is not Lust... And the grass always seems greener on the other side. 

However, your motives being completely selfish, you really need to end the affair, confess to God, then to your husband. Get right with God... Go pick up the book called Love Dare, Give it the 40 days it takes to go through it...


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> So I half way reconciled with the husband whom said he would try to change the things I pointed out as issues in our marriage. I tried to move on without the other man, I just cannot, I love and want to be with him. So my dilemma now is do I tell my husband about the other man? I turly want a future with the other man, I have already broken the husbands heart by wanting to divorce....I truly need some sound advice and have no where to turn...


Yes, you should tell your husband. A good marriage (one that grows and improves, one in which the possibility of happiness is available) is built on openness and honesty. Lies demolish any good work you may have put into the thing.

Regarding this line: "...I tried to move on without the other man, I just cannot, I love and want to be with him..."

You most certainly CAN move on - the operative phrase is _'will not'_ not _'can not'_. You can - you just won't. It will not be easy - it will be painful. But if you look back - was there not a time when you loved your husband? You moved beyond that! Note - there is also hope - you can get that love back! It requires effort - on both your part and your husband's. 

However - from your last line I am curious: you say you need some sound advice and have no where to turn... but the line before this, you hint that you want to divorce your husband, and leave him and your kids for the other man. 

So....what advice are you looking for, exactly? 

If it is simply to do what you want - go for it - you don't need anyone to advise you of that. Nor do you need anyone to justify your decision to sacrifice your family in order for you to feel happiness (that most likely will not last.) You don't even need anyone to verify your feelings. If you are ready to leave you husband and kids for another man - you are entirely responsible and capable. No advice needed.

I would hope (and prefer) that you take the honorable route and choose your commitment to your husband (honor your vows, keep your word, do what you promised, etc.) If that is the route you want to take, there is a lot of good advice you can get here. And I'd be willing to take part in that!

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Now playing: The Allman Brothers Band - Little Martha
via FoxyTunes


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## whattodo09 (Apr 12, 2010)

I truly beleive the affair is not lust. I truly enjoy being with the other man on a social level not just physical. We have many things in common and just enjoy each others company.
I have not taken this lightly, that is why i didn't just leave a month ago. 
Obviously things in the marriage did not just change over night or 4 months ago when the other man came into the picture, there have been other emotional affairs with co-workers in the past, nothing Ever physical. My take after long hours of talking to the OM is that the emotional affairs, is because I was looking for a piece of him in the others.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

So....what advice are you seeking here?


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## whattodo09 (Apr 12, 2010)

Should I confess all, and let the chips lay where they fall?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Ah! Thanks for the clarification! Again - consider what you want - are you seriously willing to work on your marriage? 

There really is no point to 'letting the chips fall' if you intend to continue the affair. It would be better to simply abandon your marriage and try to make it with this Other Guy (who, may I point out, is of such fine character as to cheat with a married woman.) 

What worries you most about confessing this to him? That he might want out of the marriage? Is that not what you want already? If so, I wouldn't worry too much about it - you could tell him, and then let him file for divorce - that way you could always blame him. 

I'm not trying to be mean here - I'm trying to point out that the way you focus yourself and address this issue is extremely important. 

You can't have your affair AND your marriage - one or the other must take priority. It seems to me (and yes I could be very wrong) that the reason you are worried about whether you should 'fess up' or not is because if you do, you might lose all the things you are getting from your marriage, and in your mind you are trying to find a way to hold onto both the infidelity and the marriage at the same time (have your cake and eat it too.)

All of the things this 'Other Man' gives you are things that your husband can give - or learn to give. So your choice is simple: do you want to save your marriage, or not?

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Now playing: Mark Isham - Part V
via FoxyTunes


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## ppl (Apr 8, 2010)

it is so easy to love the other when there is no "everyday" stress. no doing his dirty laundry, working with kids, dealing with monetary etc issues. guess what when you do end up the the other all those eventually catch up. ideal time together is so romantic, everyday life sucks in comparison.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

ppl said:


> it is so easy to love the other when there is no "everyday" stress. no doing his dirty laundry, working with kids, dealing with monetary etc issues. guess what when you do end up the the other all those eventually catch up. ideal time together is so romantic, everyday life sucks in comparison.



:iagree: WOW ppl has hit the nail on the head!!! 

and...just my .02....if you really wanted out of the marriage, you wouldnt give a damn what your husband thinks of your affair.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

whattodo09 said:


> The Affair is with an old High School, flame.. I was the girl not good enough for his parents, so naturally we grew apart. With no contact for 21 years, until recently 4 months ago to be exact, with the help of course of Facebook. The first afternoon we met up face to face was like we had never been apart, it was almost scary. I think about the other man 24/7. He is available to be with me, I'm the one married for 20 years and 2 kids later.
> 
> My Husband said for me to tell the kids we were divorcing and the problem is I cannot do that, I tried. Kids are 13 and 15. I could not choose my happiness over theirs, but I'm miserable.
> 
> ...


I think the parents were wrong too. Apparently you are absolutely good enough for the other man, since as well as you being a cheater. He is obviously the type who will break up families.

Secondly. In the end you will choose your happiness over that of your kids. But why not. You chose your happiness over that of your husbands. Sounds like its par for the course, since you have had emotional affairs in the past. I think you should tell your husband everything. If you do he may actually end up thinking that you're doing him a favor, being a serial cheater and all.

Seriously, you should free up your husband for someone who would actually appreciate him. He is a workaholoic? In today's economic environment and slim pickens regarding a stand up guy who takes his responsibility for his family seriously, he deserves much better. Your kids will get over it. You're just one of the many disappointments they will have in their lives. It's just a shame that the main example of commitment to others, in their lives had to let them down. Oh well, you will be able to welcome them into what is called "relationships in the modern world". I hope they will be able to break the mold you set in their future relationships and marriages. That is if they ever want to take the risk seeing how yours is turning out.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

What to do, I was/am your husband ... not literally, but so close, so let me share a brief snipet of my story, and then give you some advice if I can. 

My wife and I are married for 15 1/2 years, 3 kids - 16, 11 ,9. 8 months ago we had the exact conversation you just described - she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore (actually said she didn't know if she ever really loved me) and didn't want to be married but denied there being anyone else. Then a few months ago I found out she had spent the last 3 years having 2 separate long-term affairs, and was "so in love" with this latest one. 

Like you without kids she would have left me. Like you she stayed because she couldn't put her happiness over the kids. Fast forward to today; we have been through some intensive counselling, and are once again happily married. The other man is gone, and the change is not only on her part; in fact it is moreso on my part. I am a completely different man, and far more attentive to her needs today. 

And here is where my advice comes in. I'm not inside your marriage, but I assume that before this you did not ever really, honestly let your husband know how his actions were hurting you. It sounds like you have begun that, and that is good, but you need to make very clear your needs, so that he can try to address them. 

Do you tell him about the other man? I wouldn't just blurt it out, but I do think personally that he needs to know. Will he forgive and be able to move on? I can't guarantee that. I forgave 2 long-term affairs, but I'm sure that there are many men who would have just called it a day. But I do think that honesty is important. 

For one thing, and this could be just me, but when my wife told me ... it actually helped me. That sounds sick ... and oh, there was tremendous hurt, pain, betrayal and still are some issues there that we are working on. However, it was only at the moment that she revealed this to me that I was really with the reality of how much my own actions had hurt her over the years. Not that I was at fault for the affair(s) ... she bears that guilt alone ... but I saw how my neglect contributed to that so much, and so at the same time as the hurt I was utterly broken myself in seeing how much I pushed her to it. And that was an impetus for me to change. 

Again, I don't nescesarily suggest you just blurt it out. I do suggest you get counselling. I mention also that a huge thing that held us together and guided both of our actions on this is our very deep and shared religious convictions, without which the outcome may very well have been very different. 

Anyways, I don't know if you can take any lessons from my situation, but reading yours was very eerily similar to me, and I just want to give my .02 that yes he does both have a right to and need to know; but also to caution you to consider just how you go about revealing it.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I will also add that my wife began this process with the same thoughts that "I love him so much, more than I ever loved you and it hurts, blah, blah, blah" and that "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you", etc, etc, etc. 

Now today the other man is gone, and though yes she does still care for him and all, she can say that she is both genuinely happy today, and that she is IN love with me again. 

Love is not just emotion, and emotion does not ever last in love. It comes and it goes. The perfect, constant emotional love is a lie of Hollywood and is why marriages end and so alarming a rate. Love is a choice, it is an action, it is a commitment. When those actions, commitments and choices are shared and acted upon by both parties emotions then do follow. But love, real love, lasting love is Action leads to emotion and NOT emotion leads to action.


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## whattodo09 (Apr 12, 2010)

HopeinHouston, yes you could be my husband...not literally but in the very same situation. Thanks for the husband perspective of my situation, no he is not to blame but same as you has helped contribute with his neglect. Telling him is something I will do in a very delicate manner, thanks for your .02 that yes is eerily similar.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

The 'mortar' of a marriage is openness and honesty (by both partners) - it holds the rest of the thing together. Once that is removed, it doesn't take long for the marriage to fall apart. And sometimes being honest is terrifying - especially if you don't know the outcome. But withholding information because you want to control how your spouse reacts to you - is just that - control. It's both a manipulation of the spouse (they may respond in a way you don't want them to) - and a disrespectful judgment of them (they aren't capable of handling the truth, etc.)

So if you want to keep your marriage - but more than that - if you want to improve your marriage (you do not want it to go back to the way it was, do you?) then the first step is to tell your spouse - and do it in all honesty, don't manipulate the information to make your spouse act the way you want them to. Let him be the judge of what he wants to do - he has to be able to face it, work through it, and decide for himself - you can't do that for him.

If this is your decision - then there is a lot of information here for you - and a lot of tools that will help you work together for a better marriage.

However - there is one other thing you MUST do. 

This is imperative, for no matter what else happens, if you do not do this, your marriage will not have a chance recover - let alone grow.

You must end your affair and cut off all contact with the Other Man. You must never get in contact with him, ever again. That is the commitment you must make to your marriage. It's as necessary as is medical treatment for an serious injury.

Stay on our board - we are here to help you get though difficult times...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you ruin your children's lives just so you can be with your 'one true love' - oh, yeah, the one after all the emotional affairs were your one true love at the time - then you will spend the next 40 to 50 years trying to backtrack to make up for all the angst you have caused your kids, your (ex)husband, your parents, your friends, your exhusband's parents, your siblings...all so you could be with the man you 'cannot' live without.

Tell me. If he is such a wonderful, PERFECT man, why is he carrying on an affair with a married woman?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

whattodo09 said:


> HopeinHouston, yes you could be my husband...not literally but in the very same situation. Thanks for the husband perspective of my situation, no he is not to blame but same as you has helped contribute with his neglect. Telling him is something I will do in a very delicate manner, thanks for your .02 that yes is eerily similar.


may I ask u what is the delicate way of saying that to your husband that u dont love him , u are having an affair & truly in love with Other man , want a divorce to be with ur lover ? 

Besides that I think the real reason you want to confess to your husband is only because that will make him leave you without further attempts to work it out . I dont think it should bother you how to say that to ur husband when there is no love between you & him .


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Whattodo,i was in a similar situation I am also a wiffe having an EA with a man I've been attracted to for yrs and reverse. It's entirely up to u at this point.3 options. u work on with your husband and give up the other man. 2, tell your husband, divorse and be with the other man or #3, (this is a new one) I read this book from a dr. called secret lives of women. Here we go there will be lots of screammin after this one! These women r married totally devoted to their husbands and children (family always comes first ) but have been having affairs for some 20 or 30 yrs and everybody is happy. Husbands don't know about the lover and they get together whenever they can, one a week or once a month. There apparently r thousands of these going on and knowone is any wiser. I was shocked that it worked, this dr interviewed 300 women that say they could not live any other way. I know how u feel but u have to make a decision to try to work on my marriage, I told my husband about mine straight up I was expecting to leave I didn't care, thought it was over anyways make up your own mind and stick too it at least u have to try something. One way or another it's up to u, it won't be easy and stay strong. I would just be worried about after u leave and the grass not being any greener or not giving your husband a chance to make u happy after all the time spent making a life together. sorry I know not a big help but gives u something to think about.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

whattodo09 said:


> My Husband said for me to tell the kids we were divorcing and the problem is I cannot do that, I tried. Kids are 13 and 15. I could not choose my happiness over theirs, but I'm miserable.


I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the age of the kids - 13 & 15. Do you have any clue how tenuous this age is for kids? Upheaval at this point in their lives could be catastrophic. They are at the age when they are truly striving for their independence and are figuring out who they are. And with so much negative societal influence! There is no age where they need their parents to be close to them as much as this. If you divorce your husband, you will be assured the parents will not be watching the kids. In building a new life, and trying to find your own emotional bearings, you will both be so distracted, and the kids will be so lost, you are opening the doors to negative influences. 



whattodo09 said:


> I have had a good life with my husband, but he has always put his work first over everything. On one had I should be thankful that he works and provide, but on the other hand, he has missed out on alot of things that have gone on in the lives of our kids. I was able to stay at home with the kids for the first 9 years and I am very thankful for that, but that did create loneliness issues for me.


Your husband sounds like a good husband with the 'typical' shortcomings of many husbands. And it sounds like your reaction to that has also been 'typical'. Workaholic husband, lonely wife. I haven't read anything in your thread that indicates serious problems in your relationship - other than the affair(s).



whattodo09 said:


> So I half way reconciled with the husband whom said he would try to change the things I pointed out as issues in our marriage.


Has he been making the changes he agreed to? Have you tried marital counseling? 



whattodo09 said:


> I have already broken the husbands heart by wanting to divorce....


He obviously loves you. You have a man who works hard (even enough to allow you to be a stay-at-home mom for 9 years), loves you, created a family with you, and is willing to make changes for the marriage - and you want to leave him because you don't 'feel' love for him? 

I would encourage you to stop all contact with the other man and do EVERYTHING you can to make your marriage work. I've read a lot about the Love Dare, but have no experience with it (I have ordered the book) - but I would encourage you to try it. With all you have at home, it would be foolish to leave before you try to make it work. Your kids will suffer, you husband would be crushed, and your new relationship will probably not be what you imagine it would be. Everyone will lose. And it will be your fault.

As for your feelings for this other man? If you do all you can in your marriage, I think you will regain and strengthen the love for your husband, and you will be able to put the other man aside... easily.

Set a minimum amount of time - 6 months, a year, whatever. Cease ALL contact with the other man. Put your heart & soul into your marriage and family. See what happens, then make your decision. You will never forgive yourself if you don't.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm reading an excerpt from the Love Dare book and thought was worthwhile to pass on:

If you accept this dare, you must take the view that instead of following your heart, you are choosing to lead it. The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The Bible says that “the heart is deceitful above all things,” and it will pursue that which feels right at the moment.

We dare you to think differently, and to choose to lead your heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a key to lasting, fulfilling relationships.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Nicely put, Janie!


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

amazing! 
it is incredible that from the time we are kids...we are told
"Let your heart lead you"

and how WRONG that can be!! how easily the heart is swayed!

I think I am going home to start teaching my kids how to lead their hearts!


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

You can't tell your kids yet, so I think you are not really committed to leaving your marriage yet.

Your husband deserves to know the full truth of your emotional and physical affairs, and a full explanation as to why they happened in the first place. This will wound him big time, but he needs the information so he can decide whether to fight to hold you or help you out the door to be with the man you always wanted to marry.

This story is a bit like Prince Charles and Lady Camilla Parker-Bowles meeting in secret, only your husband can't (say yet) that this marriage is crowded with three in it. You have not confessed that yet.

What happens if you break your marriage and "Mr Right" disappoints you in the longer term, when you discover he has a dark secret in his past that you can't handle? Must be a reason he is not currently married - a man as wonderful as you make him out to be, would surely have been snapped up by now.


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