# My cheating stbxh is asking me for money - normal???



## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

My back story can be found on the link at the bottom.

I'm not sure if I need to head over to the divorce forum at this point because reconciliation looks like a totally lost cause. It's sad I never imagined he would be so cold.

Right before Easter I sent him a message regarding an amendment I am filing for our Marital Separation Agreement. He used this as an opportunity to ask me to waive all of his payments and obligations for the month of April so he could save for his own place. He began this conversation by telling me that he really wanted his own place so he could spend more time with our daughter (12). It came out in the wash that the people he is living with are moving and he has no choice. He bugged me for over a week about this. Oddly, any time I would mention my hurt over his affair he would simply tell me that I need to move on. He left because his heart was no longer there and he deserves to be happy. blah blah blah

He is now flat broke. I mean totally flat broke. He maxed his credit cards out and they have been shut down. ( I was always the primary breadwinner and luckily I moved so fast on the MSA that he waived all rights to my savings etc.) I gave him 1/2 of our taxes in February so he had money. He blew through almost 3k in a matter of a month on hotel rooms in her town (2.5 hours away) and nice dinner, beer, and whatever other junk he felt he needed. I was shocked by how fast he blew through it.

He has gotten his ear pierced and has started wearing some stupid fedora hat with skulls on it. I think he has lost his damn mind.

He is absolutely certain that I just need to get over it and move on with my life. But has the gull to contact me for help....is this normal? I would think that a cheater would be ashamed. He has no shame. He believes that because it was an EA with this woman before we separated - and that they both left their spouses before starting anything that it's OK. Am I crazy? Isn't planning to leave your spouse for someone else cheating? 

I didn't give him the money. He says he loves me but I need to move on. And that he really wants to be friends. And he hopes one day I will be able to be friends. He has no interest in what we had on any level - so I guess I just need to push through with the divorce now. I'm filing on adultery and he has agreed to sign that he did commit adultery. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...and-cheated-headed-divorce-advice-please.html


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Good for you for not continuing to finance this disaster! He wants to be friends? Cool! Friends don't pay friends' bills. OW or no OW, leaving was his idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I love this. It reminds me of my brother’s STBX. For the last 2 years she has been writing him emails that he needs to move on, get a life and be independent just like she is. Then in the next paragraph she complains that she needs more money from him.

Don’t give him any more money. Just write him an email telling him that he needs to be independent and move on like you have. He needs to quit thinking that he can live in the past in your marriage.

Then start acting towards him according to the 180 (see the link below). Stop talking to him about this stuff. You are enabling his stupidity.

And yes file for divorce this coming week. Right now he could drive up bills and you are responsible to pay them.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

No. I really stood my ground. And of course I haven't heard from him since because he knows the well ran dry. Before I found out about the OW in the first month I was actually giving him money. Boy was I stupid!!!

I really don't get it. He said being married to me just became "too much". But the woman he is with now has 3 children, one is special needs, and she doesn't work. This seems like a major step up in the "too much" category. i haven't wrapped my brain around how she could afford to leave her husband for mine.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I do not know how your finances are structured.

But it looks like he is continuing with his selfish behavior that probably led to your current situation.

If you do decide to let him have money, make sure that it is deducted from his share of any settlement.

If the final settlement has been reached and he is asking you to just let him have some cash, I would tell him that we all have to live with the consequences of our decisions. So his problems are no longer any of your concern.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Talk about being a taker, he must think your a fool. Practice your goodbye wave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

LOLZ Sorry to laugh, but this would be hilarious if it weren't happening to you. He is delusional and sounds like he is so self-absorbed and financially irresponsible that you ought to keep hold of your money for yourself and daughter. Most likely, she will need a stable parent (you), and if you give him money, you won't be able to put it away for her.

How about this idea? Since you have been paying for so much for him in the past, pretend you are still giving him cash but instead, put it in a trust (MIT) account for your daughter. Then instead of feeling cheated when he blows it on frivolity, you will have a nice sum earning interest that he will not be able to touch in the divorce.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

It's total madness.

My Marital Separation Agreement was filed pretty early on because I knew I needed to protect myself. So he has already been given the little bit that he was entitled too. Which basically was only his share of taxes. He waived his right to everything I had in savings. And blew through his taxes in one month.

I guess it just blows my mind because he was pretty responsible. Before this I wouldn't have imagined his blowing through that cash in less than 4 weeks.

Is this normal cheater behavior? 

I really don't get it. He threw away 14 years on a woman he just met in October. She lives in another state. I guess I was just blind to the problems in our marriage.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Unsure2621 said:


> It's total madness.
> 
> My Marital Separation Agreement was filed pretty early on because I knew I needed to protect myself. So he has already been given the little bit that he was entitled too. Which basically was only his share of taxes. He waived his right to everything I had in savings. And blew through his taxes in one month.
> 
> ...


Nope - do not go there. You were not blind to the problems. He chose to go outside the marriage instead of talking to you about how he felt or any concerns he had.

This is all on him. It was his decision and like I said earlier, decisions have consequences. Finances have been settled and he has been given what he was entitled to. That is the end of the story - not you problem any more. Only talk to him concerning the child. Tell him that you are not interested in what his living arrangements are. You are moving on without him to rebuild a live for you and your child.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

I know. Everyone keeps reminding me that he could have manned up and talked about the problems but he chose not to. I still keep beating myself up about it though. The last few months of our marriage I was positive something was happening with another woman but I had no proof. My behavior at home was totally erratic and he credits that with what drove him to leave. I continue to beat myself up about that. But in the end my gut instinct was right.

This happened so quickly that it felt like a lightening bolt had just struck. To me anyway. But according to him he has been fighting leaving me for years. I keep reminding myself that at any point during those 'years' he could have came to me and talked things through. He chose not to. And instead - as he says - "avoided the situation because he never wanted to hurt me". In the end he hurt me MUCH more.

I think I am still struggling with the "why" and need to get over that. I will never fully understand why he did what he did. So as he says - I just need to move on and find my happiness.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He is just now beginning to face the consequences of his deeply selfish choices. Good job not giving him the money. He can begin to realize how messed up his values are until he faces the problems he created.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Some people have to learn the hard way that Stupid Hurts. 

Sounds like the lesson is starting to sink in!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

"So as he says - I just need to move on and find my happiness."

He gave you this advice so follow it, go dark , restrict all communication to children and finance only ie. the money he owes you for child care. Get the D moving so you can have closure. He will eventually get it, stand back and keep silent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> He is just now beginning to face the consequences of his deeply selfish choices. Good job not giving him the money. He can begin to realize how messed up his values are until he faces the problems he created.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree ; sometimes waywards need a bucket full of reality before they achknowledge what they have become.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks for the advice. My sister has been pushing me from the very beginning to break all communication and go dark. I have done this several times but within 3 weeks I always break because I hear nothing from him. So then I start the pattern of lamenting him for how much he has hurt me or just ranting about how he has low morals. I need to break that cycle (wo)man up and just go totally dark. If nothing else for my own peace of mind. It's incredibly hard to hear the man you loved for 14 years tell you to "just move on with your life." while you are still in the thresholds of serious pain. Apparently he is on cloud 9.

The divorce is already in process. So things in that regard are moving along and he has been more than happy to sign his name to any paper that means he is getting out of the marriage. It's strange. I really thought it would have triggered some sort of emotion. Nothing.

It's truly pathetic but in some ways I wish we had been able to work through our differences. We actually had a pretty good thing until about October when he met his EA. I thought so anyway - he of course says he has been fighting leaving me for years and he would have left regardless of his relationship with this woman.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

awwwwwwww, yor poor widdle WS. I fweel soooo sorrry fwor him! 

 reality bites


Here's some hard info. that I have a tough time with myself: most men MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. When he says he wants to leave you, he isn't saying, "beg for me back and then I'll change my mind." It is horrible, horrible, and my heart goes out to you, but you will see that compared to most waffling WSs, he has given you a gift that is your path to letting him go.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*Is this normal cheater behavior?* 

Yes, like an addict. He's a bigger fool than most, but not completely out of the ordinary for a cheater.

_I gave him 1/2 of our taxes in February so he had money. He blew through almost 3k in a matter of a month on hotel rooms in her town (2.5 hours away) and nice dinner, beer, and whatever other junk he felt he needed. I was shocked by how fast he blew through it.

*He has gotten his ear pierced and has started wearing some stupid fedora hat with skulls on it*. I think he has lost his damn mind._

Start keeping notes. I think you have the beginning of a good sit-com.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

It's a really hard pill to swallow but I do believe the things he says are true. I think "I have been fighting leaving you for years" was the one that cut the deepest. I had no idea. I asked him if anything was wrong daily and he always replied "nothing at home everything here is great - just work stress." I think if I can get myself past the fact that I have been living a complete lie all these years I will be fine. I just continue to beat myself up about what I did wrong. I need to go 180 all the way.

I think I am also going to have a hard time with another relationship in the future. Now I will be terrified about what they aren't telling me.

I'm just very sad. I never imagined myself here - but I guess nobody is ever really prepared for this.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> It's a really hard pill to swallow but I do believe the things he says are true. I think "I have been fighting leaving you for years" was the one that cut the deepest. I had no idea. I asked him if anything was wrong daily and he always replied "nothing at home everything here is great - just work stress." I think if I can get myself past the fact that I have been living a complete lie all these years I will be fine. I just continue to beat myself up about what I did wrong. I need to go 180 all the way.
> 
> I think I am also going to have a hard time with another relationship in the future. Now I will be terrified about what they aren't telling me.
> 
> I'm just very sad. I never imagined myself here - but I guess nobody is ever really prepared for this.


Revisionist History.

Don't put much stock in it.

Others won't do this like your husband did.


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## Hank567 (Apr 23, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> I think "I have been fighting leaving you for years" was the one that cut the deepest. I had no idea.


Don't beat yourself up too much. He didn't have any idea either. It's very common for the WS to re-write history. Commonly, when someone cheats, they say to themselves "I must be unhappy, I need to figure out why".


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks that helps. I have been torturing myself on how I didn't see the signs that this was coming.

Do they ever realize that they are reinventing history?

He is already starting to drift away from my daughter as well. He gets her every other weekend but because he doesn't have his own place he only picks her up for a few hours and drops her off. Yesterday he had her for 2 hours the whole weekend. I just don't get it. I pushed him to take her every weekend so they could bond but he said he has "other obvious obligations" meaning his new girlfriend (OW) and his ghost hunting pursuits. I think it's really pathetic and so shocked by how his priorities have changed. The real kicker is he told me the only reason he stayed with me all of these years is because of her. So wouldn't he be fighting like hell to see her as often as possible? Instead of turning down my generous custody offer. I just don't get it. 

I started the 180 today. And the goal is not to break in 3 weeks this time.


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## Hank567 (Apr 23, 2012)

Unfortunately, you will likely continue to be surprised what someone in an affair fog will do. They behave so differently than what you would normally expect. Good luck on the 180. Be strong.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks for the support.

I actually think it's beyond an affair fog at this point. The OW left her husband as well. My husband and the OW are publicly a couple. They share many of the same common interests and as much as I hate to say it I think they fit together better than he and I did. So it seems on the surface anyway.

I think it's time for me to accept what has happened. And power through to the divorce.


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## Hank567 (Apr 23, 2012)

Just because they're public doesn't mean they're still not super foggy. Especially since this whole thing is very new (~6 months, right?). The odds are still against them making it. You just have to decide what you want for yourself. If they crashed and burned in the next year, would you want him back? If not, then do what you need to do.

I know what you mean about your STBX having more in common with his AP, my ex has far more in common with her AP than we ever did. Realize that just because your ex and his AP share some of the same interests doesn't mean they are capable of being in a successful relationship together. Even if you think they're deliriously happy together, you don't see what's going on inside.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Of course he's happy, he's high. All is right with the world when your floating in the clouds... It can't last though. The joyride will end with that relationship wrapped around a tree. 

Don't be the airbag.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Cheaters become "entitled" and are bottomless money sewers which forever need replenished. My ex has already been through three relationships in just over two years and has already lost the home (house?) that she was awarded. Believe it or not, she has twice tried to hit me up for money in the last two months.
Too bad, for her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

If you really want to show him, give money to people who haven't cheated on you, starting with me


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks for the advice.

It's still pretty new. From what I can gather they met in October and started an EA shortly after. He left me January 8th. He didn't tell me it was because of her. It was of course because I was having an emotional melt down and he couldn't take it any more. My melt down was because he was going out of town every other weekend and I KNEW something was going on. I started to demand he place more focus on us and our relationship. And he flatly said that he couldn't. He told me about her in February and they have been public ever since. She left her husband sometime after January as well. So about 7 months for the two of them. He goes up to her town every other weekend - 2.5 hours away.

I won't wait around for a year for them to crash and burn. I don't think that is fair to me in any way. I think if the fog magically lifted today I would be willing to work on things. But he is really hung up on this woman so I don't see that happening at any point in the near future. 

He seems to be changing pretty rapidly to be more like her. And the group of friends he is hanging around with. I think he was attracted to her because she has more passion than I have. I became pretty boring the last few years as I lost myself in our marriage, work, child rearing and my degree. 

I keep blaming myself for not being more like her. But others keep reminding me that this is his problem and his issues not mine.


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## Hank567 (Apr 23, 2012)

Then it sounds like you know what you need to do. It just really sucks sometimes.  One thing I kept telling myself that helped was that the person I knew didn't exist anymore, and was replaced by this new person that I wouldn't want to be around anyway. 

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like this new person is anything like what you'd want to be anyway. Also, keep in mind:

You can't be more "new" than the AP
You can't be more forbidden than the AP

When he's addicted to the affair, that takes all priority, just like a drug addict. Even if you were "more like her" (ick), you can't be as new or as forbidden. 

Just be the best you that you can be. For yourself.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

"Just be the best you that you can be. For yourself.":iagree:


Unsure2621, this is good advice. It will probably be your first time thinking of yourself in a while, but believe me, you WILL like the results.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Hank and Hook this is great advice. Every time I get down I say to myself "Just be the best you that you can be".

I guess at the end of the day if he doesn't want the real me then I don't want him either. I'm going to stop focusing on the OW and how she is better than me. Maybe she is better for HIM than me but she is NOT better than me.

I'm starting to develop the mind-set that if she wants him she can have him. I can't imagine the "reality" they are going to face will be nearly as wonderful as the "fantasy" they are living in now.

She doesn't work - 3 kids - one is disabled. He is maxed out financially and can barely support himself. Have fun kids! Mama's going out for lobster tonight!

I am secure enough in myself to know that I don't need a man to make me happy. Apparently the two of them are highly insecure and NEED someone to fill in there happiness. I hope they find that to be temporary and end up right back in the miserable position they were trying to escape.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

And thanks for all of the advice everyone. TAM is really helping me stay afloat.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

PIT did your ex ever realize the mistake or are they still off in foggy fantasy land? Did they fall on their face?

Seeing him fall on his face is my biggest wish at this point.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> Hank and Hook this is great advice. Every time I get down I say to myself "Just be the best you that you can be".
> 
> I guess at the end of the day if he doesn't want the real me then I don't want him either. I'm going to stop focusing on the OW and how she is better than me. Maybe she is better for HIM than me but she is NOT better than me.
> 
> I am secure enough in myself to know that I don't need a man to make me happy. Apparently the two of them are highly insecure and NEED someone to fill in there happiness. I hope they find that to be temporary and end up right back in the miserable position they were trying to escape.


Print this out and tape it to your bathroom mirror. It is the simple truth.

If I were you, I WOULD take comfort in the fact that hard reality is going to hit this couple far more than the average pair of cheaters. The only way they will be able to survive is if they surround themselves with enablers, and I'm glad you are making sure not to be one of them. I do pity the kids, though--mama has a fourth kid to feed now


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I hope you told him you're not giving him any money.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Unsure2621 said:


> PIT did your ex ever realize the mistake or are they still off in foggy fantasy land? Did they fall on their face?
> 
> Seeing him fall on his face is my biggest wish at this point.


I couldn't tell you, I cant trust anything she says and her actions are too difficult for me to translate. I avoid talking to her about her life and what is going on in it. 

I presume that her (and OM's?) fog is clearing quite a bit and that real life is setting in. She is overly nice to me and compliments me constantly. She tries to talk with me and finds excuses why she needs to discuss my son all the time. I do sense regret, but I don't trust my senses when it comes to her. My brain says "FIRE IS HOT, STAY AWAY!"

She crossed my boundries recently in regard to exposing my child to OM and I had to show my teeth and get aggresive. That promted her to tell me how bad her relationship with OM is suffering, and for her to cry and tell me how she knows how badly she fu*ked up and that she's going to have to live her entire life knowing that it's all her fault... translate that however I guess, I try not to. I just assume stay away from that web.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks for the response Pit.

I have already informed my WS that my daughter is to have NO contact with the OW. I will react the same as you if that boundary is crossed. 

How long have you been separated/ divorced? How long did it take you to get to the point that you just didn't give a damn?

Everyone tells me that I will eventually hit a wall where I am OK with this and then just be "done". I am hoping I hit this point soon. Any tips on how to get there faster?

Sorry for your situation. You deserve better than this. I really think we all do.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Unsure2621 said:


> How long have you been separated/ divorced? How long did it take you to get to the point that you just didn't give a damn?


Divorced 4 months. She moved out 6 months before that. DDay(s) started 8 months before that. Affair started 12-18 months before that. She decided we were "seperated" somewhere around the time the affair started, she waited a few years to mention it to me though. lol.

I dont know how long it takes to not give a damn. I still do, I likely always will. She is my son's mother. Anything she does and anything that happens to her, effects my son. 

I dont have any interest in having her in my life though. 



Unsure2621 said:


> Everyone tells me that I will eventually hit a wall where I am OK with this and then just be "done". I am hoping I hit this point soon. Any tips on how to get there faster?


Yes. You answered it....



Unsure2621 said:


> You deserve better than this. I really think we all do.


When you realize this, and you believe it... You start letting it go. Then it becomes a matter of time, your wounds will begin to heal if you let them.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

LOL...if he thinks you need to move on I guess that includes no longer funding his choice to be "happy." Let him figure out how to fund his move and his new GF...What a loser.


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