# Weird, one particular question and he loses it?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

This weekend I sent WS an email with some questions. He sat down with me and we discussed them all, he handled it well (something he seems to have trouble with), one question he got a little worked up, but controlled it. Then I asked an additional question -
Did you not feel weird being with someone other than me after being together for over a decade? 
He exploded and yelled something like I shouldn't have done it, it was wrong and he went upstairs and shut the bedroom door. I stayed downstairs the rest of the night, but I texted him why would that one question make you explode? He didn't reply back. In the morning he tells me it is not a question he can answer. :scratchhead:

Either he felt weird or he did not. Personally, I'd have trouble being with another person I didn't even know for one night after a decade with him... Surely, it would feel weird? He says I felt drunk. 

Thoughts on why that one question would send him over the edge and why he can't tell me yes or no? Am I missing something here?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I could come up with several reasons that he would not want to answer the question.

But I cannot understand his volatile reaction to the question.

It is strange.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Yes, he's giving you the Official Version. That's his out when the comfort level is too much for him. "I was wrong, ok?!" "I shouldn't have done it, ok?!" (Exit stage right...) This is an attempt to silence you. And evidently, it worked wonderfully!

Silent treatment commence.

Its not a question he can't answer, its a question he either doesn't want to answer, or is afraid to answer.

What are the possible replies?

A. Yes, it was really weird f***ing someone besides you.

OR-

B. No, it felt very easy and natural to f*** someone besides you.

Either response will be/look/sound bad.

My H did this on the question, "were you wearing your wedding ring when you were cybering with those camgirls, did they see your ring?" He bolted up and announced, "I shouldn't have done it ok? I was wrong, ok? I'm sorry."


A lot of cheaters get off on knowing they are having someone elses "true love". Makes them feel like they are the "winner".

Also it really hurts to think that they were doing that with other lovers in your hometown. You never want to be out to dinner, proud to be on your H's arm, and have the possibility that there is some other woman out there smiling, "Yeah, I had him too."


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

My WS had his ring on that night. The image bothers me BADLY.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> I could come up with several reasons that he would not want to answer the question.
> 
> But I cannot understand his volatile reaction to the question.
> 
> It is strange.


What reasons do you think?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think Parachute is pretty much on it. There's something about the answer to that question that scares him. He's afraid if he starts talking in response that something bad is going to happen so he freaks and runs out of the room to try to make it go away. 

My theory is there's one of three possibilities. 1. he's afraid the answer will uncover a previous lie. 2. he doesn't want to lie to you and knows the honest answer will crush you. 3. he's afraid the answer will uncover information not disclosed to you yet.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

ParachuteOn said:


> Yes, he's giving you the Official Version. That's his out when the comfort level is too much for him. "I was wrong, ok?!" "I shouldn't have done it, ok?!" (Exit stage right...) This is an attempt to silence you. And evidently, it worked wonderfully!
> 
> Silent treatment commence.
> 
> ...


I had to go quiet. Kids were upstairs and he gets mean. It wasn't worth it.

I would actually have preferred him giving me answer A then nothing...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I think Parachute is pretty much on it. There's something about the answer to that question that scares him. He's afraid if he starts talking in response that something bad is going to happen so he freaks and runs out of the room to try to make it go away.
> 
> My theory is there's one of three possibilities. 1. he's afraid the answer will uncover a previous lie. 2. he doesn't want to lie to you and knows the honest answer will crush you. 3. he's afraid the answer will uncover information not disclosed to you yet.


Well, 1 would mean he had been with others that I don't know about before this happened.
2 means it really didn't bother him.
What does 3 mean?


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

Has he acted really (and honestly) ashamed about this before? I know when I get really embarrassed I just want to end the conversation as fast as possible. 

The other option is that if he answered, "Yes, it felt weird," then he may have to answer a host of other questions that would come up.

-If it felt weird, wasn't that a sign that it was wrong?
-How could you go through with it if it felt weird?
-Didn't that weird feeling make you think of me?
-How did you tell yourself to go through with it while thinking of me?


My wife didn't even have a full-on PA, but I still asked her all those questions about the physical contact they did have.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

that he's giving you trickle truth and another d day is imminent. 

And 1 doesn't mean there was another ONS, it could be a simple detail he left out - anything really. From how drunk he really was to, what color her hair is, to if they used protection or not. If he's trapped in a lie - any lie - he's going to be scared to death that the revelation of that lie will be the last straw for you. 

Reacting like that is the act of someone who's hiding something, so the question becomes what?

It doesn't have to be the worst case scenario of another ONS or something equal.

Edit to ad:

His reaction is also one of someone who doesn't want to face something, but since he has been reasonably forthcoming and willing to discuss other than this I'm thinking that's not it.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

No, I've always thought there is more. Yet, he swears up and down there's not. At this point he has a ticket to downstairs if he's lying cause he has sweared so much. Yep, he snaps and gets angry and defensive. I never know what question it is going to be. This weekend he was answering everything well, then this sent him over. It does make him look guilty, like he's still lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your not making his rugsweeping easy. lol.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

No, it hasn't been easy for him. We're almost seven months into this! He's got to be tired! Come clean already!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> No, I've always thought there is more. Yet, he swears up and down there's not. At this point he has a ticket to downstairs if he's lying cause he has sweared so much. Yep, he snaps and gets angry and defensive. I never know what question it is going to be. This weekend he was answering everything well, then this sent him over. It does make him look guilty, like he's still lying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really hard to say. He could just be exhausted emotionally and tired of dealing with it for now. That's OK. But snapping at you and being "mean" is not OK !


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Your not making his rugsweeping easy. lol.


Yeah, he doesn't like it one bit!!

You mean I can't cheat on you without all this B!tching?? [email protected]#[email protected]#$!!??


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> What reasons do you think?


Understand that I know only what you have posted here so these are POSSIBLE reasons - not saying they are the actual reason.

He feels so guilty over what he did that remembering is painful to him. So getting upset is a defense mechanism for his guilt.

He thinks the real answer "It didn't feel weird - it felt good" will upset you and make R more difficult. Most WS will not admit it - but at the time it was happening, they wanted it to happen and it felt good. He thinks he is protecting you by not telling. Dumb, but this happens a lot. The guilt comes latter.

He is still being selfish and has little regard for how you feel. He just wants the questions to stop.

He is still hiding something and thinks that sooner or latter, if the questions continue, he is going to make mistake and let something slip.

He is still torn between marriage and not married. These emotions would have him on the edge constantly. Any additions stress (questions) just sends him over the edge of self control.

I could go on


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I realized very early on that the more my husband reacts the more right I am. If he maintains his composure then Im off base. That simple. If he blows his top- Im right.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> No, it hasn't been easy for him. We're almost seven months into this! He's got to be tired! Come clean already!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Didn't he come clean to u? Am I wrong in thinking that he came to you with the information without any cause to? That he wasn't found out or asked, but he came to you voluntarily with the info? Do I have you mixed up with someone else?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I realized very early on that the more my husband reacts the more right I am. If he maintains his composure then Im off base. That simple. If he blows his top- Im right.


That's what I think, too.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh its unmistakeable w/my H. I cant believe it took me until this A to realize it. But since December if I ask him something he didnt want to answer, he overreacts, Im right. simple as that. (not the case now as he answers now but December, January, Feb and Early March oh yeah) Now, its an answer even when I hate it. He tries to make it gentle but its an answer just the same. Happened just over the weekend. Painful but he answered. 2mos ago he would have thrown a fit and thats how I would have known I was right.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Remains said:


> Didn't he come clean to u? Am I wrong in thinking that he came to you with the information without any cause to? That he wasn't found out or asked, but he came to you voluntarily with the info? Do I have you mixed up with someone else?


No, he lied to me for ten years. Everything I've gotten has been like pulling teeth or from threats. I didn't know about the ONS. Four years ago he had an EA with a coworker that he kept denying. I found out I had HPV and thought it was from the EA. I finally threatened him with a poly after years of worrying and he broke down and told me the coworker wasn't a full blown EA, but it was crossing the line and maybe was headed that way. He said he never touched her, that he actually had received a BJ from a model they had used on a business trip ten years ago. He said that was the only thing he's done that the HPV could have come from. This was the night before I was gonna schedule the poly. I still have doubts. He trickled truthed me right before the poly. Told me he kissed a model, left out the BJ! I'm personally not so sure it wasn't intercourse or the EA wasn't a PA. He says his frustration comes from me still not believing him. That he finally came clean and I still question him.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Oh its unmistakeable w/my H. I cant believe it took me until this A to realize it. But since December if I ask him something he didnt want to answer, he overreacts, Im right. simple as that. (not the case now as he answers now but December, January, Feb and Early March oh yeah) Now, its an answer even when I hate it. He tries to make it gentle but its an answer just the same. Happened just over the weekend. Painful but he answered. 2mos ago he would have thrown a fit and thats how I would have known I was right.


I thought we were maybe on the right track, he literally sat with me about half an hour just answering questions off my list and then BAM! I ask this one and he jumps up, yelling he shouldn't have done it, it was wrong and then storms off upstairs. I dunno, maybe it could be guilt from what he did and not guilt from still lying? WHO KNOWS at this point!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I thought we were maybe on the right track, he literally sat with me about half an hour just answering questions off my list and then BAM! I ask this one and he jumps up, yelling he shouldn't have done it, it was wrong and then storms off upstairs. I dunno, maybe it could be guilt from what he did and not guilt from still lying? WHO KNOWS at this point!


to me thats a red flag. Sorry. Keep pushing, thats what I did. And those answers he did that about, turns out they were answers like " yes I knew I had feelings for her back in July" So Im just sayin...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> to me thats a red flag. Sorry. Keep pushing, thats what I did.


But, why that one question? He answered questions about the BJ itself without exploding. I ask him if it felt weird to be with someone else after so long and he explodes, won't even try to answer it. Refuses! What's the clue here? What about this question made him explode? :scratchhead:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> But, why that one question? He answered questions about the BJ itself without exploding. I ask him if it felt weird to be with someone else after so long and he explodes, won't even try to answer it. Refuses! What's the clue here? What about this question made him explode? :scratchhead:


I dont know. Maybe the answer is "no". It didnt feel weird at the time b/c he wasnt thinking. He doesnt want to lie to you so he refuses to answer?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I dont know. Maybe the answer is "no". It didnt feel weird at the time b/c he wasnt thinking. He doesnt want to lie to you so he refuses to answer?


All he said the next morning when I asked him again if he felt weird, he replied I felt drunk. 

I dunno, it was the way he exploded after calmly sitting with me and answering other questions. I even asked if she did it differently - answer was I can't remember, I was too drunk. To if you were that drunk how long did it last, response was it was over before it barely got started. I do know he played with her boobs, that bothers me for some reason, like he was more engaged than he's telling me. 

He says he didn't want to do it before it happened and didn't want to do it after it happened. That he knew it was wrong before and after. He can't tell me why he went ahead and did it.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

He's still lying. Who am I kidding?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well I believe he didnt want to do it AFTER he did it. But BEFORE??? Did he tell you he played w/her boobs? and if he was THAT drunk It wouldnt happen THAT quickly I dont think if you catch my drift...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

hurtingbadly said:


> But, why that one question? He answered questions about the BJ itself without exploding. I ask him if it felt weird to be with someone else after so long and he explodes, won't even try to answer it. Refuses! What's the clue here? What about this question made him explode? :scratchhead:


I'm wondering if there were more OWs over the years and that's why he cannot answer it with a simple "yes" or "no." Both would be lies, so he panicked. I'm thinking part of him wants to tell the truth, but a bigger part wants to protect himself from further consequence. 

I could be completely off base, but that's the only reason I could see to freak out over a simple question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Well I believe he didnt want to do it AFTER he did it. But BEFORE??? Did he tell you he played w/her boobs? and if he was THAT drunk It wouldnt happen THAT quickly I dont think if you catch my drift...


I totally catch your drift and I've pointed that out to him before.

Yes, he told me he thinks he played with her boobs. He can't remember for sure, but thinks he did. Story is gross -
He was sharing a room with a coworker, they were all drinking at the bar, coworker brings the girl back to the room. WS passes out on bed to awake to his coworker and girl having sex beside him. After they are done she then offers to give WS a BJ. I have spoken to the coworker twice about this. He tells me WS was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I totally catch your drift and I've pointed that out to him before.
> 
> Yes, he told me he thinks he played with her boobs. He can't remember for sure, but thinks he did. Story is gross -
> He was sharing a room with a coworker, they were all drinking at the bar, coworker brings the girl back to the room. WS passes out on bed to awake to his coworker and girl having sex beside him. After they are done she then offers to give WS a BJ. I have spoken to the coworker twice about this. He tells me WS was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.


what a sl*t.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe he had just reached the limit of what he could emotionally handle at the moment. It might not have been he question, but instead just one question too many for him.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Oh, well that's a nice buddy response. Let's look at it this way. You tell him the same story, except the roles are reversed....

Hmmm... how would that start...

"Sorry honey, When I was on that trip with my coworker, she brought a guy back to our room and i woke up and all three of us were in bed together. I think I played with his balls, but I really can't remember....we were all drunk. I didn't go all the way. Just a blowjob. But I like giving them to you the best."

Oh, and don't forget, yell at him and storm out of the room if you get tired of answering his questions about it.

Yeah, Right!!!!

Do you think he would put up with that crap from you???

Makes things get a lot clearer real quick.

Sorry you are having to go though this.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Sounds all too familiar.It sounds like "narcissistic rage" to me. That's when the person in question has a narcissistic personality, in this case your husband sounds that way. Most cheats do. When they're about to exposed for what they really are, or some truth is going to be exposed etc. they will yell down the person from whom the threat is coming.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> Sounds all too familiar.It sounds like "narcissistic rage" to me. That's when the person in question has a narcissistic personality, in this case your husband sounds that way. Most cheats do. When they're about to exposed for what they really are, or some truth is going to be exposed etc. they will yell down the person from whom the threat is coming.


So....all cheats are narcissistic???? I disagree.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> So....all cheats are narcissistic???? I disagree.


No, not all. But I believe a very high proportion.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> No, he lied to me for ten years. Everything I've gotten has been like pulling teeth or from threats. I didn't know about the ONS. Four years ago he had an EA with a coworker that he kept denying. I found out I had HPV and thought it was from the EA. I finally threatened him with a poly after years of worrying and he broke down and told me the coworker wasn't a full blown EA, but it was crossing the line and maybe was headed that way. He said he never touched her, that he actually had received a BJ from a model they had used on a business trip ten years ago. He said that was the only thing he's done that the HPV could have come from. This was the night before I was gonna schedule the poly. I still have doubts. He trickled truthed me right before the poly. Told me he kissed a model, left out the BJ! I'm personally not so sure it wasn't intercourse or the EA wasn't a PA. He says his frustration comes from me still not believing him. That he finally came clean and I still question him.


Ohhh yes! I had a response to this, was going to post it but thought I had better check that fact 1st. Glad I didn't. And I won't be. 

Lying is totally fu*king sh*t isn't it! I hate liars. Funny, yor story has triggered me. I had decided to let it go. But I realise how stupid that would be and I would rather be alone than used and abused and in the dark about it. When I see him tomorrow he will be getting the cold shoulder followed by very forceful demands (more than he ever had) followed by a split (...again) and then a demand for a lie detector done by a certain date. And only then, if all 'true', and if I feel like it, will I get back with him.

We need to stop the self inflicted torture here. They do the actions, it is up to us to deal with them. If we do not we only have ourselves to blame for subsequent misery.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I did ask him again about this. He says the answer is he doesn't know. That's his answer! He doesn't know if it felt weird being with another person after so many years together. He says he was too drunk to remember and it was too long ago. Yet, he can remember feeling shame right after it happened. I asked him how he can remember that, but not the other feeling. He said the shame was intense so he remembers that part. I dunno... He still was acting defensive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Thoughts on why that one question would send him over the edge and why he can't tell me yes or no? Am I missing something here?


My first thought is his reaction is due to the possibility that he has been with others over the past 10 years.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> My first thought is his reaction is due to the possibility that he has been with others over the past 10 years.


Sorry but...:iagree:.
He may be hiding more and it was the "after being with only one person for so many years" part that may be getting his reaction.

From my understanding remorseful cheaters try to "change the truth" in their minds to downplay what they have done and this may have hit a nerve?

Maybe if there are others, hearing you say that trigger guilt and he can't handle it anymore?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

His reaction does look like he still feels guilty. I really don't think I'm gonna get any more from him, though.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

So many of your posts recently have centered on the "why" of certain things. So I figured I'd throw one back your way:

"Why have you opted to _not_ use the polygraph?"

I mentioned in one of your other threads the advice my IC gave me about looking for the "why." The quest to answer that question can become a self feeding obsession, derailing any possibility of R.

You've been at this for 7 months? If you have any doubts at this point in time, you _must_ go the poly route. Otherwise it starts to look like you are afraid of the answers, or you enjoy the drama/torture of it all.

You mentioned he was on Zoloft for depression, how long he has been on it, the length of time since the last adjustment of dose, how consistent he has been with taking it, could all be factors in how well he copes with prolonged elevated periods of stress (your justified gustapo treatment).

He could just be tired of taking crap from you on the topic, but lacks the testicular fortitude to walk away, so he acts in a passive/aggressive kind of way. Not healthy any way you chop it.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

So I shouldn't still be doubting at seven months out? 
Don't people still find out crap even this far out? 
I mean, he did lie for ten years so what's seven months to him? 

I told him this morning that I think I need the poly, that I still feel I have no closure and it's making things more difficult for me. He said he'd be happy to take the poly, said it twice and calmly. But, then he got up suddenly and got into the shower. He had to go to work, but I thought that was odd. Look at how paranoid this crap has made me! 

Thing is I threatened the poly before and he said confidently he'd take it, even helped me look up people in our area. Then the night before I was gonna schedule it he confessed to the BJ. So, I don't know if this is just another bluff. I should have followed thru the first time. Then money got tight... Sometimes I wonder if the BJ story was just a way to get him outta the poly.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, he has trouble facing that side of himself. 
Probably if he were to answer it would be something to the effect that yes it felt weird but he over-rode the feeling because he wanted to feel weird, to see how it would feel to do something wrong, and what would happen.

Read the story of Pandora's Box. 
All of us have opened it at one time or another, in one guise or another, not necessarily overtly sexually, but maybe we have flirted, maybe we have not given something it's full due, maybe we've cheated, or allowed ourselves to have thoughts we didn't want to have, or pushed the limits of a relationship to test it.
When we do, it changes our self image, and that can be a very difficult thing, suddenly to be permanently glued by virtue of the physical realm, to an entirely different and contradictory spiritual space (evil) that we beforehand did not want to acknowledge.

I think this is what might have caused him to react so strongly to your question. The only way to approach it is to ask perhaps how it felt to do something that most of us only think about, and how he now manages to accept the part of himself that accomplished the physical manifestation of a thought...and whether there is anything you can or can't do that would be helpful in his healing, and becoming whole again, if healing is what he chooses to do.

Not everyone will want to heal, because to heal means to accept that you damaged yourself in the first place, and not everyone can accept that they would do something like that to themselves. And of course, not everyone cares, some people put on an act and have no intention of changing. That's for you to discern, whether your husband is heading towards healing or towards carpet sweeping and band-aid approach.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, he has trouble facing that side of himself.
> Probably if he were to answer it would be something to the effect that yes it felt weird but he over-rode the feeling because he wanted to feel weird, to see how it would feel to do something wrong, and what would happen.
> 
> Read the story of Pandora's Box.
> ...


He did carpet sweeping and band-aid approach for almost a decade and is possibly still doing it. He chose to hide it and not deal with it. I think part of his depression has been the realization of what he is and how others are viewing him. I also think most of what we're going thru is self pity on his part and not so much on the hell this has put me thru. He wants me to pretend I'm happy, in love with him and that nothing happened.


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