# Separation question



## 349389 (Apr 30, 2021)

My husband and I are are potentially trying to make it worth after finding out about each of our infidelities. We both want to try to make it work but have different ideas on how that should be done. 

He wants to stay together in the same place and we’ve been trying that but without counseling. While some conversations have been constructive it, more often then not we leave the conversation angry and I feel that it’s been more destructive than helpful.

I’m starting to think that separating while we work out our issues might be better while we attend counseling sessions. I’m afraid though that he will take it he wrong way and think I just don’t want him anymore, which isn’t true.

Is it reasonable to ask to be separated while we work things out or would that push him further away?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

If I were advising your husband, I would advise him not to allow a physical separation at all.
Unless you have some unusual extenuating circumstance, there’s no reason you can’t work on your marriage while remaining under the same roof. You can give each other space and physical/emotional distance without separate living arrangements.

The vast majority of the time, separation is merely being used as and excuse to:
1. create enough distance/privacy to allow a spouse to try out / date / sleep with someone else.
2. Allow a spouse an easier/gradual way out of the marriage on his/her timetable

And even if you’re not looking at it this way now, your husband probably won’t believe you. And you may start gravitating to 1 or 2 once you’re separated, and your husband may start gravitating to 1 or 2 once your separated.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think whether to separate or remain in the home depends on your ultimate goal.

If your ultimate goal is reconcile and remain together, then being together is a step closer to that and working towards being together in a union. 

If your goal is move on and perhaps get with someone(s) else, then separating us obviously a big step in that direction. 

You’re either working towards one or the other based on what your doing and how you are living your daily lives - NOT what you are saying in a counseling session. 

You’re either together or you aren’t.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

As I said in my other post on your other thread, he cheated before you were even engaged while you cheated after you were married and had a kid with him. Separating is not for getting together but for you to each move on. If this is not what you want (although you have been flip-flopping between wanting to be with him and wanting to "kick him out on his ass"), then do not separate. Also, would you still be in an affair with "Him" if he had not ended it with you (gas station boy that is)?


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## 349389 (Apr 30, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> As I said in my other post on your other thread, he cheated before you were even engaged while you cheated after you were married and had a kid with him. Separating is not for getting together but for you to each move on. If this is not what you want (although you have been flip-flopping between wanting to be with him and wanting to "kick him out on his ass"), then do not separate. Also, would you still be in an affair with "Him" if he had not ended it with you (gas station boy that is)?


I don’t think the fact that he cheated before we were married or engaged while I did later lessens what he did, I was literally driving across country to be with him when it happened and we were engaged/pregnant a week after he cheated. 

No, I wouldn’t still be “with” him, the affair ended when we moved, he just ended any communications, which if he hadn’t I would have shortly because I realized I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and that I was being cruel and unfair to my husband. 

I’ve read flip flopping while working things out is pretty common, it’s a hard decision and hard to let go of someone you love. We decided that separation is the best course because the way we’ve been working it out together hasn’t been healthy and he’s angry because I don’t believe his story. He still refuses to go to therapy or stop drinking, he’s rather go to a boxing gym for his therapy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Living under the same roof during a separation is a nightmare. Personal experience.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think the first thing you both have to do is sit down and have an honest talk (it would be preferable with a councilor) but short of that i would recommend taking turns by holding an object something that is mundane and will not provoke any issues, and when you are holding the object you get to talk and he has to listen, really listen then he gets the object and he gets to talk where you get to the listen. Start with questions like "is there still love in this marriage for each other ? If yes than is that love strong enough to stay together (not for the child but for each other) ? what is broken in the marriage from both perspective, what is good with the marriage from both perspective? what is lacking or missing? there are websites you can look up that list questions to ask each other...the point is before you can work on yourselves and on the marriage you need to know if both parties are invested emotionally, physically and mentally...if not then learn to co-parent successfully.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your other thread said you’re separating because he’s angry that you don’t believe him? Keep in mind that many use separation as an excuse to try out new people.


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## 349389 (Apr 30, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your other thread said you’re separating because he’s angry that you don’t believe him? Keep in mind that many use separation as an excuse to try out new people.


That’s part of the reason yes, but there’s more to it. I can only hope that he wouldn’t try out new people. We’ve both expressed that if either does then it’s truly the end of our relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lostinmarriage2 said:


> That’s part of the reason yes, but there’s more to it. I can only hope that he wouldn’t try out new people. We’ve both expressed that if either does then it’s truly the end of our relationship.


The problem is that you’re unlikely to know if he does. You’re going to have to trust him and that will be very difficult at this point.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You're both cheaters. As per your history you don't have an issue banging others while you're in a committed relationship, therefore it naturally follows that when you separate you'll be screwing like rabbits. That does not lend itself well to a healthy reconcilation.


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## 349389 (Apr 30, 2021)

Trident said:


> You're both cheaters. As per your history you don't have an issue banging others while you're in a committed relationship, therefore it naturally follows that when you separate you'll be screwing like rabbits. That does not lend itself well to a healthy reconcilation.


Don’t act like you know me, you know nothing about me other than what I’ve written.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Trident said:


> You're both cheaters. As per your history you don't have an issue banging others while you're in a committed relationship, therefore it naturally follows that when you separate you'll be screwing like rabbits. That does not lend itself well to a healthy reconcilation.


If your assessment of their willingness to violate boundaries is correct, what makes you believe they're reconciliation material in the first place? Why give advice to not separate, when it sounds like it would be better of they just move on... separately?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> Why give advice to not separate, when it sounds like it would be better of they just move on... separately?


They probably should just move on but if there’s any chance of reconciliation, separation is going to crush it.


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