# Blended Family and Desperate



## SugarBritches (Jan 28, 2011)

I need major advice. I will be as short about this as possible.

My husband and I met in 2008. We married in 2010. I have 2 kids age 5 and 7. He brings 3...one is 6 and twins are 8. Our situation is really screwed up. Crazy exes on both sides...both became friends and are now trying to break us up.

So fast forward. Now we are married a year. We have different discipline styles. I am a teacher and want respect and "order". I feel that if everyone pull their weight, things will go smoothly. However, his children have no respect for me or him for that matter. He feels that since he only sees them on the weekends that they should be able to pretty much do what they want. "Why should they be cleaning their rooms when they aren't here that much" yet, they waste time sitting and watching the Disney channel. Anyway, husband is in the tv industry and has a job now where he works some weekends. He chose the weekends that he does not have his kids to work. BUT every weekend we have his kids on Sunday regardless of if it is his weekend or not. So that means the weekends that we have without kids...he is working. ANd the Sunday that he doesn't work...we have his kids. We have my kids full time except every other weekend which happens to be the weekend we do not have his. So basically when we met we had every other weekend to ourselves. It was great and we loved it. NOW we get absolutely NO time without kids. We work opposite schedules and never see one another. Let me tell you this too...he had the choice to choose when he works and what weekends. I don't expect him to choose the weekends just for me...but at the same time it bothers me that "we" are not a priority. And then today he said..."my boss really needs me to work this Sunday". .....I asked if he was...He said no because he has the kids....I then said "if you didn't would you work?" He said he would. I had to leave. I am FURIOUS. I have put up with so much crap. His EX has taken a twitter account about me and it is slanderous. He has not confronted her on it becuase it is "good evidence" for court. His children listen to mom and then tell me horrible things that I can hear their mom saying and then they repeat. I keep my cool. But now I am losing it. What scares me is that I have even thought that maybe I made a mistake. I know this sounds selfish but I just cant include all of the details since I don't want to keep going on and on. I just feel alone, tired, frustrated, and very resentful. I have to admit I have anger towards husband. Thanks ahead of time.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

My H is stepfather to my 18 and 15 year old. He has been for 5 years. He grew up with military dad and SS Nazi (true not cruel nickname) stepdad. WE have different parenting styles. His kids are adults and not in the picture. We are in process of counseling so things are rocky. I was told I set the rules, he backs me. So I would suggest he parents his, you parent yours. Or counseling to come up with mutual rules you can all live with. In regards to working the Sunday with his kids, would you give up one day of the two you get with your kids every two weeks? I understand where you're coming from, but you need to be honest what you'd do. 
Can you guys switch weekend with all kids and weekend with no kids? Or are crazy exes messing that up? Even if H works, he still comes home - right? I'm sorry I've been on both ends of issue and it is tough for sure!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kapyatie (Jan 24, 2011)

The kids have to be important sure, however, Im with you sugarbritches in feeling that the 'new' relationship must take some priority in there somewhere. I can see how you feel, it seems like you feel your man isnt taking the time to organize his schedule around making time for just the two of you. It also sounds like you may have to pick up some sundays running the house while his kids are over and hes at work. I see by the dates you mentioned, meeting '08, married '10 you havnt been together long. I am in a very similar boat,,, met my guy dec '07, he had 3 kids, 2 have had 2 in three yrs together and i had 2 before. Ours got so bad we moved 1000 km away from his kids because of threats, constant upsetting our 'new' household, etc, etc, etc, it went on and on,,, still is actually, but my point is that once upon a time not that long ago I had to tell me man that 'our' relationship HAD TO BECOME HIS TOP PRIORITY, not just up there, but TOP or I was leaving. My perspective is that our children are only with us until they grow up and leave, our partners will stand my us FOR LIFE if we treat them right. I know everyone says children come first but I think they should come in slightly second to making sure you and your relationship are healthy. Its like when the flight attendant says to don your oxygen mask BEFORE helping others, if you do not, you'll run out of oxygen as you are helping and you wont have time to get yours on. Unless you want to say 'game over' in your marriage, in has to come first somewhere in the 'blended' family. The concept of children truely coming first works better in a nuclear family where both parents are first time parents to the common children. Step-families do not necessarily mean 'package deals'. There can (and needs to be I think) still be a husband and wife in amongst the bigger blended family.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

kapyatie said:


> The kids have to be important sure, however, Im with you sugarbritches in feeling that the 'new' relationship must take some priority in there somewhere. I can see how you feel, it seems like you feel your man isnt taking the time to organize his schedule around making time for just the two of you. It also sounds like you may have to pick up some sundays running the house while his kids are over and hes at work. I see by the dates you mentioned, meeting '08, married '10 you havnt been together long. I am in a very similar boat,,, met my guy dec '07, he had 3 kids, 2 have had 2 in three yrs together and i had 2 before. Ours got so bad we moved 1000 km away from his kids because of threats, constant upsetting our 'new' household, etc, etc, etc, it went on and on,,, still is actually, but my point is that once upon a time not that long ago I had to tell me man that 'our' relationship HAD TO BECOME HIS TOP PRIORITY, not just up there, but TOP or I was leaving. My perspective is that our children are only with us until they grow up and leave, our partners will stand my us FOR LIFE if we treat them right. I know everyone says children come first but I think they should come in slightly second to making sure you and your relationship are healthy. Its like when the flight attendant says to don your oxygen mask BEFORE helping others, if you do not, you'll run out of oxygen as you are helping and you wont have time to get yours on. Unless you want to say 'game over' in your marriage, in has to come first somewhere in the 'blended' family. The concept of children truely coming first works better in a nuclear family where both parents are first time parents to the common children. Step-families do not necessarily mean 'package deals'. There can (and needs to be I think) still be a husband and wife in amongst the bigger blended family.


I do agree with a lot of what you are saying, and while I am honest enough to admit that I would have hurt feelings if H accepted overtime if it was a day with me but not a day with kids, I would understand. He sees wife every day and kids 2 out of 14. There is a difference. And it may even have been out of consideration of the fact if kids were over for weekend, H worked OT, wife looks after kids and he didn't want to do that. Blended families are tough. I think you two need to reach common ground on boundaries that apply to ALL kids. They are similar in age, you need set rules that all parents enforce. I agree marriage is top priority, but at the young ages, the children need more attention at this time. My marriage is top priority, but looking after my two month old requires more of my hands on right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kapyatie (Jan 24, 2011)

Golfergirl, you are right, boundaries should be set for all the children. It is something we tried too as that was exactly what I thought. In our case, it didnt work, but our case was very unusual, maybe that is a very good place to start for Sugarbritches. I can see the non-custodial parent (in this case the dad, her H) not wanting to scare his off of spending time in the new household due to not wanting to do the chores as set out in the common rules for all children. That is a tough one because those rules are necessary but if the kids dont like them, they may start to drift away visiting less and less, but if the boundaries and common rules are NOT SET, it will take no time for the kids who are in the home every day to notice how the others are treated differently. Its tricky. That hardest part is youve already said youve both got crazy exs on both sides. It really works better if all 4 parents are willing to enforce the rules respectfully but has there been a blended family EVER where that has happened? And about really young children, I agree totally golfergirl, I have a 5 week at home... and am definitely having a hard time making time for hubby and I right now... and when we first hooked up, the youngest was three and we did make expections to nearly all the rules for her (others were 7, 10, 13, 15) and had bedtimes relative to age, chores, expectations etc. but they all knew at the start that we (meaning new hubby and new wife) were on the same page when it came to decision making. We had each others backs, simply put and that was crucial.


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## kapyatie (Jan 24, 2011)

For us, our ultimate downfall which led to the move was his ex filed court papers, stalked us at work and fed tons of BS to the kids and her meddling poisoned them to the point where death threats were made, we had to go to the police about it all and soon enough, feelings had been hurt enough where the kids one by one drifted back to their mom and no longer wanted to see us (but deep down it was ALL they wanted) just on different terms. In my opinion, it really was the poisoning from their mom that made our situation turn so bad within about a year and half from when she first started court.


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## SugarBritches (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks everyone. Oh...I just don't know what to do. H is OCD about things and thinks his way is the only way. I sure do miss the man that I met and fell madly in love with. Seriously. Everyday I beat myself up over what I have done to make him change. I work full time, parent full time, and try to be a good wife. I do all of the housework and laundry. He takes out the trash and provides extra money....and believe me...he reminds me of it all of the time. When I dsicipline his kids he will undermine me and go against what I have said. To me that is the worst thing he could possibly do. I have lost a lot of respect for him for that and have found myself retreating when he is with his kids. He turns into a different person....like he is trying to prove something to his children? I can't explain it...almost ****y. Like "Look kids....cool dad....don't listen to your step mom.....you are more important than your stepbrother and sister" Even though he doesn't say it...it is the demeanor. Does that make sense? There are many facets to this story. I am exhausted. I hope he never finds this out....but sometimes I long for the days it was just my kids and I. I hope to GOD I didn't make a mistake.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Step-parenting can be one of the hardest things to do EVER, and trust me I've been there, done that. This is one of the reasons we say that a disloyal spouse having an affair is in "a fog." People having an affair often think that getting rid of their spouse will make like "happy" and "easier". Nope! Divorcing and getting a new spouse does not fix problems...it just adds a whole new SET of ADDITIONAL problems!!


Here are a couple thoughts. Just to recap--he has his kids every other weekend, and then works on the weekends he doesn't have the kids. You have your kids full-time but then on the weekends he works--your kids go to your ex. And both exes are acting immaturely and poorly (of course, or you would not have left them). Further, when his kids ARE around, they do nothing but watch TV and play video games and make a mess. He doesn't discipline them, and if you try, he doesn't back you up--he backs THEM up! 

So the number one dynamic that HAS to change--it's a dealbreaker--is that you two are a team. That doesn't mean he has to agree with you or that you have to agree with him, but you DO need to stop being enemies and working against each other. Ultimately, YOU (and your ex) are the parents of your children, and I'm not saying your hubby isn't involved but the buck stops on your desk. Likewise, HE (and his ex) are the parents of their children, and I'm not saying you aren't involved but the buck stops on their desks. In the end, you are trying to make him raise his kids YOUR way---and he is trying to make you accept HIS method of raising HIS children. I suggest that this stop. I suggest that the two of you work together and get on the same side, and here's how. 

The two of you agree that this is not working as it is. The two of you agree that your marriage is more important than "the kids" and much more important than "the ex." The two of you agree that he is responsible for his kids and you are responsible for your kids. But that as adults, you both get a vote or a say in rules and what happens in your own home! Next, negotiate a few BARE MINIMUM rules "in order to stay living in this home" and I don't mean "No sassy talking" because if you call it sassy, he won't. So I mean "Treat each other with respect: no yelling, no hitting, no kicking, no name-calling, no put-downs" and "Tell the truth" and "Respect each other’s property. Ask permission to use something that doesn’t belong to you." Okay? Not your rules...not HIS rules...but joint, family rules. 

Then clearly having you there while his kids are there is not working. Since he is SO PROUD of making all this extra money, I'd say that on the weekends his kids are there, you go to visit your parents or treat yourself and your kids to a weekend at the hotel. When you come home, the house must be in the same condition it was when you left--so he can choose to have the kids help him clean it up, he can do it himself and spoil them, or he can hire a maid! Whatever! The point is that if he's not going to include you parenting his children, then you get to be free of it and go away! Let him experience the consequence of his choices: no wife to do all their laundry and pick up after them! Also, one weekend a month, he needs to pick one day and you two need to have a date--get a babysitter and just the two of you go have some fun. No kids. No nothing. Again, this is the cost of choosing to do all this work and neglecting you. HE is responsible to plan one whole date! And it would be all morning, all afternoon, and all evening (not just a few hours going out to Applebees). He'd be meeting his duties to you, his wife, and then he can schedule his work any way he pleases (to a degree).


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

SugarBritches said:


> I need major advice. I will be as short about this as possible.
> 
> My husband and I met in 2008. We married in 2010. I have 2 kids age 5 and 7. He brings 3...one is 6 and twins are 8. Our situation is really screwed up. Crazy exes on both sides...both became friends and are now trying to break us up.
> 
> So fast forward. Now we are married a year. We have different discipline styles. I am a teacher and want respect and "order". I feel that if everyone pull their weight, things will go smoothly. However, his children have no respect for me or him for that matter. He feels that since he only sees them on the weekends that they should be able to pretty much do what they want. "Why should they be cleaning their rooms when they aren't here that much" yet, they waste time sitting and watching the Disney channel. Anyway, husband is in the tv industry and has a job now where he works some weekends. He chose the weekends that he does not have his kids to work. BUT every weekend we have his kids on Sunday regardless of if it is his weekend or not. So that means the weekends that we have without kids...he is working. ANd the Sunday that he doesn't work...we have his kids. We have my kids full time except every other weekend which happens to be the weekend we do not have his. So basically when we met we had every other weekend to ourselves. It was great and we loved it. NOW we get absolutely NO time without kids. We work opposite schedules and never see one another. Let me tell you this too...he had the choice to choose when he works and what weekends. I don't expect him to choose the weekends just for me...but at the same time it bothers me that "we" are not a priority. And then today he said..."my boss really needs me to work this Sunday". .....I asked if he was...He said no because he has the kids....I then said "if you didn't would you work?" He said he would. I had to leave. I am FURIOUS. I have put up with so much crap. His EX has taken a twitter account about me and it is slanderous. He has not confronted her on it becuase it is "good evidence" for court. His children listen to mom and then tell me horrible things that I can hear their mom saying and then they repeat. I keep my cool. But now I am losing it. What scares me is that I have even thought that maybe I made a mistake. I know this sounds selfish but I just cant include all of the details since I don't want to keep going on and on. I just feel alone, tired, frustrated, and very resentful. I have to admit I have anger towards husband. Thanks ahead of time.


I'll throw in my two cents worth here.

As being a part of a blended family myself I will say it requires ALOT of work from both partners. 

If you guys have got crazy ex's then that's a battle within itself.

If your NEW hubby had a choice of which weekend to work and he took the one he did which cuts out YOU and HIM time, then I'd be questioning his motives in the relationship.

I had the choice and i made sure I got to spend some ME and HER time by rostering my weekends to suit family time.

We are not married nor will we get married, been there done that, why do you need a certificate for marriage? To show society you are a couple? yeh right to hard. 

I've found its taken a good 10 months to get the whole blended family dynamic to work and it definetely requires both parties to work on it constantly to get it right.


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## SugarBritches (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you so much MrNice and Affaircare. It was so nice to see that someone could hear me. H doesn't. Today he and I got into yet ANOTHER argument. Of course it was when his kids were here. Is there some weird thing that he could be doing in order to start these arguments with his kids around? I don't get it. I feel like I try so hard. I feel like I am such a good person. I feel like I should be happy. He looked at me and said "look at you...you never smile....you always look like you don't even want to be here" I guess it is true. *sigh* I just wish I didn't love him so much.


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