# Husband is detached, lacks empathy, and has started making comments about my weight



## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

I love my husband, we have always communicated well together and have been married for five years, together seven. Lately, he seems detached. He doesn't really listen to me or notice me, there isn't a conversation. I honestly just don't feel like he's interested in anything I have to say or think. A month ago, we were on a walk and I told him that he's been different and that I can tell he's looking at me with some new look on his face, like contempt. He said he was disappointed in me because he's been working out a lot and I haven't and that I should be making sure I'm healthy. He then said I've been overweight for two years (not true), accused me of not going to the gym at all for a year (not true), and said I should just make time like he does. I'm extremely successful, I run a multi million dollar construction program, I was promoted about six months ago, I work 14 hour days. Before that, I was traveling once a month and making sure I went to the gym on my travels, even working out when we vacationed. I stopped working out when my schedule got crazy and when I had an injury in June. It's literally only been six months. I feel like everything he said is unfair and unreasonable and considering everything that's been going on lately, why couldn't he just give me some grace and empathy? 

I should lose weight. That's true. I'm 5'5" and 190 lbs, size 14. I'm thick, I've always been like that. I've always gained and lost the same 20-30 pounds for years. I've never gotten bigger than that, I basically hit that ceiling get tired of it and start working out again, always on my own. I'm well aware that I should lose weight, but I did not think I had a husband who noticed or cared. I genuinely have always felt like he thought every inch of me was gorgeous, so now I feel like the rug was ripped out from under me. He claims it was because we are getting older (I just turned 35) and he's worried about OUR health however... he smokes, chews tobacco, and drinks so that's bull****.

We've talked and fought constantly. I'm devastated and I've been in tears for a month straight. Completely vulnerable. Despite him claiming that he "gets it" and "won't ever say anything like that again" (said with sarcasm). When I said tonight that I went to the gym, his response was again "good. I'm glad you went to the gym. I just want it reciprocated" other gems of his include:

"I’m doing stuff to stay in shape. I just want it reciprocated"

"I like hearing you went to the gym because it tells me the work I put in isn’t all for naught"

"You want me to work out and be in shape right? I want you to work out to, that's all"

"You've been overweight for two years"

"You haven't worked out for a year"

"You could make time. I make time"

"Am I supposed to just never say anything again and hope you won't get 300 pounds?"

So my issue is: when does it stop?? I'm successful, completely put together, attractive, a nurturing and sexual wife... but he started working out again and got ripped and now I'm embarrassing??? 

Even if I get skinny, then what? I have to worry about gaining weight back the rest of my life or my husband will be disappointed in me or embarrassed of me again? What about as I get older? So I lose weight, then he gets away with being this shallow and vain, is he going to forever have this unsustainable idea in his head? This behavior of his and complete lack of empathy make me feel like when I get wrinkles it will be "why do you look so old? You should really work on that." I just feel completely helpless.


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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

I want to also add that our sex life was fine, we were on a beach vacation not long ago where my (overweight) self was in a bikini and we had incredible vacation sex and I felt beautiful.

I now don't even want him to see me naked or touch me at all and feel embarrassed and foolish for even prancing around on the beach with him, acting like I had this husband who worshipped me. 

This is out of nowhere for me, I feel like everything complimentary he's said over the years is false and that he's been passing judgement on me the whole time.

And although I do love him, I also feel myself despising him and the cold and unfeeling way he's going about this. Not listening to me, telling me I'm overreacting, not understanding how devastated I am. Since this fight and his "apology" he's said the same thing again, in a different way, didn't make any effort on my birthday to make me feel special (two weeks ago). I thought he may be cheating, I looked in his email and saw a match.com email in his junk mail. When I clicked on it it brought me to an account page that was logged in but with nothing in it. He says he has zero idea what it is, denies it profusely, and there's no history. He says he would never cheat on me, and "if I did, it wouldn't be on a dating site." He changed his email password and won't give it to me because he says "you'll just dig in it until you find some other junk mail and get mad at me about something from 10 years ago." He says because I feel vulernable that I'm blowing everything out of proportion.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

It doesn't sound like you have kids. He's showing you who he is. And when is his mid life crisis? He's turned a loving sexual wife to an insecure girl. Next he'll wonder why you don't want to sex him up. He'll be like I went to the gym and got ripped but it didn't help she just cold and frigid.

I would watch out for signs of cheating. Get in shape or not and dump him.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

anastasia6 said:


> It doesn't sound like you have kids. He's showing you who he is. And when is his mid life crisis? He's turned a loving sexual wife to an insecure girl. Next he'll wonder why you don't want to sex him up. He'll be like I went to the gym and got ripped but it didn't help she just cold and frigid.
> 
> *I would watch out for signs of cheating.* Get in shape or not and dump him.


Yep.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

First your husband is at the very least being insensitive but he is right you are grossly overweight and for you health you should lose a minimum of 50 lbs.
Going to a gym 2 or 3 days. Week is not going to do you any good if you are consuming to many calories. You should try a diet since you have very little time I’d suggest a Medifast program. If not that almost all Hospitals have weight los programs. My wife is 5’5 she weighs exactly 130lbs wears. Size 8. We never go to a gym. 
Have you had any blood work done? What is your glucose level? Also Cholesterol LDL level? 




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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I don't think your husbands only issue is your weight. But if it is he's too shallow to make it through old age with a woman his own age.

Men always bring up the health thing so they don't have to sound like shallow *******s.

While your health is important how healthy will you be living with the stress of his nagging and criticism. Personally I'd tell him our communication is open to each other at all times or its toast anyway. Match doesn't sign you up, he signed up. Maybe just to look around and ensure there's lots of skinnier options if he chooses.

BTW. I'm bigger than you and older my cholesterol total was 122, my blood glucose is great and my blood pressure is low enough I actually take medicine to raise it. 
I also am married to a man who has loved me through all my sizes, and I him. You deserve unconditional love not skinny only love. He's in shape right now but are you supposed to still love him if he gains? Gets I'll? Loses his job gets ED right when your hormones go into overdrive? Yes you are but it doesn't seem to be reciprocated.

So what are his strengths? Since security (which he's taken away) and emotional acceptance (which he isn't giving) are most women's top needs what does he do? What makes you love him, feel happy around him? When you got your promotion do you now make more money than him?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I should have added that if you want to stay then you owe it to him to tell him how he's making you feel and how that is impacting your desire to be seen naked or be intimate. As according to this website sex is the most important thing to most men. So if you are staying figure out how to talk with him and still feel sexy. Or else he'll be over here soon enough whining how his wife doesn't want to have sex. He'll be told to get in shape ( to which he'll reply I am). Then they'll tell him to divorce you.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

oh girl.... yes, you should get rid of your overweight. and yes, also get rid of this manipulative guy. both will destroy your health, physically and psychically! 


one more tip: you DON'T have to hit the gym to lose weight. just watch what you eat and drink! 
download a calories tracker app for your phone. drink zero calories drinks only and eat LOW calories food each day. 
you have to stay under a certain amount of carbs and calories each day and you will lose weight. 
I know too many guys that run to the gym every day but don't lose weight. because they still eat over their allowed calories each day. the tracker will help you. be mindful what you buy when you go to the grocery store. don't eat out because they have ridiculous high calories plates.
good luck.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Sounds to me like you can’t handle the truth. You’re butt hurt and blaming the messenger. 

How would you feel if your hubs was 33% overweight, ate unhealthily and didn’t exercise, but did put the excuse treadmill on overdrive?

Of course you can listen to the TAM blame-the-man chorus here, unwrap another chocolate bonbon, and use a pudgie finger to call a divorce attorney. 

Choose wisely.


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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

Slartibartfast said:


> It's really hard to say, but sometimes it feels like the first thing that comes to mind might be useful to consider. And what came to me is that it kind of sounds like he's softening up the ground for excuses for looking elsewhere, as in, "Of course I need someone else. I have this fat cow." And, if he's one of those, you could get all slim and toned, and it would then become, "She's dumb." Or, "She's so weepy." Or, "She's smothering me." Or, "She's old." (That one's very popular, because there's no arguing it.) Or whatever baloney can be cooked up to justify it. Can't say if that's it, but like I said, that's what I thought of first.
> 
> He's actually sort of comical. He doesn't want you in his email, and his reason is that you'll find things he doesn't want you to find. So, I guess that above in the example, I left out, "She doesn't trust me." And, of course, "She's a b****." The point is, if it's not one thing, it's another. And that goes whether he's cheating, looking to cheat, or just an a**hole who bolsters his own pathetic self-esteem by tearing you down. Bad ju-ju either way. Sometimes, it just takes a little less than perfection in life to bring out the true a**hole.


Thank you for the response, that's what I'm afraid of. Even if I get in shape, when does it end? I feel like it's always going to be something.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't like hearing about such rude spouses. His comments are rude. However, 190 pounds at 5'5" is getting pretty heavy. I can understand how he'd be anxious for you to lose some weight. You can lose some weight by just consuming less calories, no gym required.


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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

23cm said:


> Sounds to me like you can’t handle the truth. You’re butt hurt and blaming the messenger.
> 
> How would you feel if your hubs was 33% overweight, ate unhealthily and didn’t exercise, but did put the excuse treadmill on overdrive?
> 
> ...


I get it. I almost didn't put my weight because honestly, it's irrelevant. I know I need to lose weight, I'm painfully aware of that and I think every woman is. I didn't need him to say anything and am not blaming him other than I've been thinking he loved me no matter what size I was. And being foodies has always been our thing. I just need him to be in my corner. The point of this post isn't to argue if I'm "pudgy" or not, it's wondering where his empathy is... if I get thin and lose the weight, how is that going to solve the problem? Things in life happen. I'm busy, I'm successful, I've gone through an upswing in my weight. Instead of saying something, or berating me, or condescending me, I'd like him to have just helped out. Given me some grace. Cook healthy meals. I lose weight... then what??? 

He was overweight as well. And I did say something to him, but in a more loving way and when I realized he was getting his feelings hurt (I thought he wasn't as sensitive) I backed off. I told him that I genuinely just wanted him to feel better. I didn't make it this big existential "if you don't do something now you'll be 300 pounds" conversation that he has turned it into. He stared working out, and in true male form, bounced right back into shape. He looks amazing and I tell him that almost every day. 

Divorce isn't an option. I want to figure out where all of this coldness is coming from first and hopefully work on things.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

So now I'm really curious....how old is your husband and what does he look like? Also reading your opening post....it sounds like you are about the same size as when he married you?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

anastasia6 said:


> I don't think your husbands only issue is your weight. But if it is he's too shallow to make it through old age with a woman his own age.
> 
> Men always bring up the health thing so they don't have to sound like shallow *******s.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate your thoughtful response. It is exactly what's weighing heavily on me right now...(ha! See what I did there?). All the unconditional love that we are supposed to have for each other seems to have vanished, at least in my mind when I hear him saying stuff like this. 

To answer some questions: we communicate well. I never make him guess if there's something wrong, I don't play mind games. I'm incredibly warm and supportive but definitely have a tendency to be a bit controlling and an intense thinker. I'm an INFJ for any Myers-Briggs nerds out there. I have zero hang-ups about sex and he would be out of his mind if he ever called me frigid. He is well aware of how hurt I am by all of this. I have a tendency to talk "at" him lately as he isn't engaging in the conversation, I articulate my thought, then restate it, until I get some sort of feedback. He's been tuning me out and not paying attention then reverting back to his original point of "what? I can't just want you to be healthy? I have to be the bad guy?" Without ever actually hearing why I'm so hurt and, as you put so well, that my security and emotional acceptance has been taken away. So... it's basically been this rinse cycle which is why I'm here on this site. He's away for work the past two weeks, so we've had some physical space but have been communicating through text and phone calls. 

He's 37 and incredibly handsome to me, and to others. I think we are equally matched in attractiveness. His strengths are that he's usually warm and likes to touch me, he always has a hand on me in some way and wants me next to him (same love language as me I think?). He's fun and funny and very supportive of my career. He's outgoing and personable and an amazing story teller. I like to just watch him talk. He tells me I'm beautiful almost every day, even amidst all of this, he still says it (I just don't know if he means it anymore). He quit his job to follow me five years ago, but has since finished school, got a great job he loves, and has also been promoted recently. I've always made more than him and have been fast tracked in my company as sort of a rising star. He's never said anything mean about that, and seems to be very proud of me, I've traveled a lot and he's never been on my ass about it. I make an effort to make sure I always come home after a long day with a big smile on my face and am genuinely happy to see him. He does the majority of things around the house except cook. Part of me wonders if his promotion is giving him this power trip over me that he's never had before.


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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

Another thing to add, he texted me today and said "I love you and I don’t want you to be upset anymore. You're my best friend. I’m really sorry I’ve made you so upset recently" he's said that before but then we go back to normal and nothing changes. So, although sweet and appreciated, this definitely lacks the depth and sounds like just a superficial apology to me to smooth things over. But better than nothing right? Is this enough to fix this? Because I feel like I actually need authenticity from him. Action. Acknowledgement of why what he said was wrong. 

I won't see him again until Saturday and considering how open and honest I am with communication, I wonder if I should take a different approach and just make him sweat it out and wonder about me a little bit? It doesn't feel right or natural to me to just freeze him out for a week, but I've always been quick to forgive and forget and nothing ever actually changes, I'm not getting the emotional support or sensitivity that I need... if I take a step back, will something click for him that I'm serious and need action, not just words, or will he just move further away?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I hate to be the guy but I seem to always be, check your phone records see if he has been texting anyone (possibly met at the gym?) Check his phone for apps. Lots of times when your spouse starts to change and get contemptuous this is a big red flag. The real reason for contempt is because your presence keeps the contemptuous spouse from having a relationship with the new person they are attracted to. 

Often the only thing that has changed is there is a new person in the relationship that the one spouse has no idea about. 

Just saying, we have read this over and over on here and elsewhere.

I hope I am wrong.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Yo-yo dieting, stigma, shame, feelings of disconnection...are all really bad for your health. An 80-year study out of Harvard found that the best indicator of life/longevity is the quality of people’s relationships....that’s a better indicator than BMI, IQ, socioeconomic status, etc. Look up Christy Harrison / FoodPsych. 

Your husband is.....I can’t think of a polite word to put here. But. Get rid of him.


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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Where does it end? I don't know. Will he expect you to have plastic surgeries as you get older? Perhaps. The most important question is: would you be okay with that? would you be willing to get Botox, or whatever?
> 
> But it's more important that you are physically attractive. It usually is for guys. Not that women don't like beautiful men. They do. But it's really, really, really important to men to feel they "won" by having a conventionally attractive partner.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I really appreciate your insight. I'm already on a path to lose the weight and confident I'll get there. As far as what the future holds, if he's this shallow and vain and can't love every part of me as I get older, I don't know... it pains me because I've never been insecure with him. I always felt so confident when we were out, like he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the room. So in light of this, I don't know when or what I would do to maintain my looks for him. I maybe would consider botox and all of that for myself, but just knowing it's for him and something his approval is based on makes me want to say no. I don't respond well to negative reinforcement on principle alone. He should love me more as I get older, not less. 

It's complete bull**** that me being thin, conventionally beautiful, and some trophy wife outweighs all of the other great things about me, but I get it and considering his coworkers all have thin wives (though vapid and boring and unemployed), maybe this is what's behind it. I suspect someone said something or wondered if I'm actually his wife. I just don't know how I'll ever compete as our marriage moves on. I'll never be as young or as beautiful as when we got married, I'll never be as young or as beautiful as I am today. Sure I could be thinner, but those other things I can't control.

Thanks again and well noted about being on the lookout for someone else in his life. I'm hopeful he wouldn't do that to me, but I'm mindful of the possibility.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

newlywed2012 said:


> Thank you, I really appreciate your insight. I'm already on a path to lose the weight and confident I'll get there. As far as what the future holds, if he's this shallow and vain and can't love every part of me as I get older, I don't know... it pains me because I've never been insecure with him. I always felt so confident when we were out, like he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the room. So in light of this, I don't know when or what I would do to maintain my looks for him. I maybe would consider botox and all of that for myself, but just knowing it's for him and something his approval is based on makes me want to say no. I don't respond well to negative reinforcement on principle alone. He should love me more as I get older, not less.
> 
> It's complete bull**** that me being thin, conventionally beautiful, and some trophy wife outweighs all of the other great things about me, but I get it and considering his coworkers all have thin wives (though vapid and boring and unemployed), maybe this is what's behind it. I suspect someone said something or wondered if I'm actually his wife. I just don't know how I'll ever compete as our marriage moves on. I'll never be as young or as beautiful as when we got married, I'll never be as young or as beautiful as I am today. Sure I could be thinner, but those other things I can't control.
> 
> Thanks again and well noted about being on the lookout for someone else in his life. I'm hopeful he wouldn't do that to me, but I'm mindful of the possibility.


Look...

Let me preface this by saying that this in no way excuses your husband on being an *******...because he is. However, you are taking this thing and running with it much farther than it needs to go.

Worrying about how conventional beauty and being a trophy wife trumping your other qualities is probably not accurate, either? That is where you are crossing over into the area of hysteria.

So you need to lose a few pounds. This in no way is a judgement on any of those other character traits. It doesn't minimize them. It doesn't make them less valuable. One can be an amazing person while needing to lose weight. That is your (lack of) self esteem and resentment talking rather than you. 

Learn to understand the difference between the two voices. One will lead you to confidence and healing. The other will lead you to anger.

And FTR, I still think his behavior is suspicious.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

newlywed2012 said:


> That's true. I'm 5'5" and 190 lbs, size 14. I'm thick, I've always been like that.


First off your husband sounds like he's being a ********* ..... however. 5'5" 190 is not thick. That's way overweight. I'm 6'1" 200. If you want to be healthy you should drop your weight significantly. 

Whether you want to stay with him or not is up to you, but either way it isn't going to hurt you to get is shape. And by the way almost every guy cares about how his woman looks. Many don't verbalize it out of respect BUT they do notice. Maybe there are some exceptions but not many.


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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

Rhubarb said:


> newlywed2012 said:
> 
> 
> > That's true. I'm 5'5" and 190 lbs, size 14. I'm thick, I've always been like that.
> ...


Thanks, like I said above a few times... I know. But my point being was that I've never been skinny since we've been together. I was a size 10 when we met and now I'm a size 14 or 16. I'm solid, I'm not massively disgusting. But yes, I know I could lose weight. Again, wasn't anything I needed anyone, especially my husband, to tell me.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

newlywed2012 said:


> Thanks, like I said above a few times... I know. But my point being was that I've never been skinny since we've been together. I was a size 10 when we met and now I'm a size 14 or 16. I'm solid, I'm not massively disgusting. But yes, I know I could lose weight. Again, wasn't anything I needed anyone, especially my husband, to tell me.


Ok fair enough but now that I've read through the thread, you also said you don't want to get a divorce even though your husband is being insensitive. Why not start a new project.... mainly YOU! Hit the gym, lose some carbs from your diet and add in some protein. Only drink water. No juice! Really the hardest thing is starting out. Once you get a routine going it gets easier. You can look BETTER than when you got married if you want. I had to do the same thing after getting divorced and now I'm remarried and look better than I ever did. My wife is all over me. 

If you get in good shape other guys will start to notice you and that will have a psychological affect on your husband.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

About weight loss:
First, for you and anyone else... the Gym will make you healthy in many ways (physically and mentally) but it is not the path to loosing weight... diet is. Im 36 years old... did heavy kickboxing/boxing training for 3 years, did body-building type exercise for 1 year.. and the most weight i ever lost is when i was inactive and eating VERY healthy.

Calories in - Calories Exercised = Weight is a myth. A sugar calorie is different from a fat calorie... Calories are determined by how hot they burn (with fire) and do not properly compare to how our body breaks it down. Our stomachs are not furnaces with flames so why use that method to determine calories.

Sugar is the quickest way to gain weight... stop eating/drinking it. The fastest way to loose weight is to stop drinking any type of soda or juice. You should ONLY be drinking water, black tea or black coffee... if you want the biggest weight loss opportunity then work up the courage and *willpower *to avoid drinks with sugars/carbs on the label (including fruit juices.) Foods that are mostly "Carbohydrates" are basically sugar once your body breaks it down... these include pastas, cereals, pastry, donuts, breads, bagels - cut them out of your life. There is no need to go cold turkey (as this will result in a temporary diet change) - but make life long adjustments... start with the soda/juices out of your life

Challenge 1 - Most of the quick and easy (and delicious) foods are sugar heavy.. so if your always short on time, or dont like to cook, you are at a disadvantage. 

Challenge 2 - Your gut bacteria sends chemical signals to your brain... hence 'cravings.' If you eat alot of these simple carbs then you are feeding a giant population of the bacteria that loves simple sugars. This means when you ARENT eating them, you are getting a heavy dose of "i need sugar" chemicals sent to your brain.... So your willpower to deny the cravings will be much weaker for a few weeks until you actually starve these bacteria out and bring balance to your gut​
Your husband lacks empathy... does he smoke weed or drink by chance? I know my heavy smoking of marijuana really messed with my emotional centers (i am talking 10+ years of it though)

*How much sex do you have on an average week*... ignore vacation/hotel sex. If he is not getting enough then he wont feel the love.. The challenge here is that women need to feel love/desire to want sex, and men want sex to feel love. You said you are unhappy with your body so i assume that might mean less sex for him.... which means he is generating less love???? Its a weird conundrum to navigate as you both have different requirements for sex, and have different feelings after it


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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> newlywed2012 said:
> 
> 
> > .
> ...


Thanks. I've reread this comment a few times. It's really what I'm struggling with: are his comments a big deal or not? Are they indicative of a bigger problem in our marriage, his personality, or our future?


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## newlywed2012 (Sep 2, 2012)

Steve2.0 said:


> About weight loss:
> First, for you and anyone else... the Gym will make you healthy in many ways (physically and mentally) but it is not the path to loosing weight... diet is. Im 36 years old... did heavy kickboxing/boxing training for 3 years, did body-building type exercise for 1 year.. and the most weight i ever lost is when i was inactive and eating VERY healthy.
> 
> Calories in - Calories Exercised = Weight is a myth. A sugar calorie is different from a fat calorie... Calories are determined by how hot they burn (with fire) and do not properly compare to how our body breaks it down. Our stomachs are not furnaces with flames so why use that method to determine calories.
> ...


Thanks for the diet tips, I'm tracking and have lost the weight before. It's just a strange thing with me and takes a long time and significantly more effort than it takes someone like my husband. Sugar and carbs are definitely my downfall (I already don't drink juice). 

Well noted about the sex and I appreciate the insight. We've always been a bit opposite. I want it more than him, I've never turned him down and initiate it most of the time. We usually have sex once a week and I give him a blowjob once a week. Or I at least make moves to give one and offer and he tells me no. If it goes any longer than a week, we both start to notice. Throughout our marriage, if anyone isn't getting enough of it, it's me. But you're right, I have noticed myself tapering off and hoping we don't have it. More because it's been this pretty ho-hum, roll over in bed half asleep thing with no passion or no "seeing me", but I guess also because I'm exhausted.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

He is likely unhappy in your sex life. Has the sex decreased? When a guy gets detached it is usually over lack of sex or lack of time spent together. You admit to working long hours. It is in those times that negative thoughts creep in. She is old, she is fat, she nags, and so on. People carry weight differently and not everyone’s body is built the same, it sounds like you are heavy based on the height and weight you gave. 

It sounds like he is telling you that you have put on some weight and he is not happy with that. Maybe he is feeling less attracted to you. As long as he did not call you cruel and insulting names to shame you he did not do anything wrong, besides the lies about when you have actually gone to the gym or not but the fact of the matter is you have put on some weight and he needs for you to know it is a problem. He should have been smoother with his words, to soften the impact but he was not. Why not suggest you go to the gym together and plan healthier meals at home? Why not show him you mean business about getting back into shape and you are willing to work on it because you understand your body is a gift to him and you want to present your best to him as he is trying to do for you. Try and give him good sex, whatever that is between you two, you know what he likes, to reconnect physically and to take away the detached feelings. Try counseling as well, sounds like sensitivity to your feelings is not a priority in his mind.
What other options do you have? Leave him? Let the detachement fester and get worse? Stay miserable? Get divorced?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

newlywed2012 said:


> I love my husband, we have always communicated well together and have been married for five years, together seven. Lately, he seems detached. He doesn't really listen to me or notice me, there isn't a conversation. I honestly just don't feel like he's interested in anything I have to say or think. A month ago, we were on a walk and I told him that he's been different and that I can tell he's looking at me with some new look on his face, like contempt. He said he was disappointed in me because he's been working out a lot and I haven't and that I should be making sure I'm healthy. He then said I've been overweight for two years (not true), accused me of not going to the gym at all for a year (not true), and said I should just make time like he does.


This sounds like him admitting he isn’t physically attracted to you, and ignoring the exaggerations for a moment, is it possible that he was trying to lead by example for quite some time and you were just too busy to notice? 

Moving along with what you’ve said after your initial post, you’ve admitted that you married at Size 10, and now you are a Size 14 or 16. That is pretty significant increase, especially 5’-5” and 190#. He has a right to say something, especially if you ignore the obvious. 



newlywed2012 said:


> I'm extremely successful, I run a multi million dollar construction program, I was promoted about six months ago, I work 14 hour days. Before that, I was traveling once a month and making sure I went to the gym on my travels, even working out when we vacationed. I stopped working out when my schedule got crazy and when I had an injury in June. It's literally only been six months. I feel like everything he said is unfair and unreasonable and considering everything that's been going on lately, why couldn't he just give me some grace and empathy?


Congratulations on being successful in your career, but if he is like most guys, he doesn’t get hard over your great job, your promotion and the money you make. Most guys like the women on their arm to look good. It may be shallow. It may be insensitive. But it’s the truth. He’s telling you it’s important to him. That is the man you married.

I am sure that I will take a beating from the ladies on here for that.



newlywed2012 said:


> I should lose weight. That's true. I'm 5'5" and 190 lbs, size 14. I'm thick, I've always been like that. I've always gained and lost the same 20-30 pounds for years. I've never gotten bigger than that, I basically hit that ceiling get tired of it and start working out again, always on my own. I'm well aware that I should lose weight, but I did not think I had a husband who noticed or cared. I genuinely have always felt like he thought every inch of me was gorgeous, so now I feel like the rug was ripped out from under me. He claims it was because we are getting older (I just turned 35) and he's worried about OUR health however... he smokes, chews tobacco, and drinks so that's bull****.


He is couching it as a “health issue” because men have been drilled that women don’t want to be told they are fat. He isn’t being as insensitive here as the other women here seem to think. He is saying what we men have been told we need to say.

All that said, you now know you have a husband that notices and if he spends a lot of time in the gym, he’s probably noticing the other women working out that are in good shape. And if he’s good looking they are noticing him too. Whether it has gone any further than that…who knows. It might be worth checking into. 



newlywed2012 said:


> We've talked and fought constantly. I'm devastated and I've been in tears for a month straight. Completely vulnerable. Despite him claiming that he "gets it" and "won't ever say anything like that again" (said with sarcasm). When I said tonight that I went to the gym, his response was again "good. I'm glad you went to the gym. I just want it reciprocated" other gems of his include:
> "I’m doing stuff to stay in shape. I just want it reciprocated"
> "I like hearing you went to the gym because it tells me the work I put in isn’t all for naught"
> "You want me to work out and be in shape right? I want you to work out to, that's all"
> ...


These ARE insensitive! If you’ve been harping at him (i.e. “talked and fought constantly”) then he is probably getting defensive and just digging himself a deeper hole. He just needs to shut up and let you vent. 



newlywed2012 said:


> "Am I supposed to just never say anything again and hope you won't get 300 pounds?"


As a guy, this can be a real dilemma. If it is getting out of hand to the point where a man isn’t attracted to his wife any more, what is the guy supposed to do???



newlywed2012 said:


> So my issue is: when does it stop?? I'm successful, completely put together, attractive, a nurturing and sexual wife... but he started working out again and got ripped and now I'm embarrassing???
> 
> Even if I get skinny, then what? I have to worry about gaining weight back the rest of my life or my husband will be disappointed in me or embarrassed of me again? What about as I get older? So I lose weight, then he gets away with being this shallow and vain, is he going to forever have this unsustainable idea in his head? This behavior of his and complete lack of empathy make me feel like when I get wrinkles it will be "why do you look so old? You should really work on that." I just feel completely helpless.


I think you are taking this a bit far, but you aren’t helpless. He has told you that you can fix this problem. And he obviously can’t fix it for you. If you are bouncing 20 to 30 lbs with exercising then what you've been doing isn't going to work long term. I'd focus on your diet, and less on the exercise. 

Whether it is the true problem, I don’t really know. Whether he is a bad bet for the future, I don’t really know. Whether he will provide you the emotional support that you need in the future, I don’t really know. 

You know him better than we do. Do you want to stay with him if he is this “shallow and vain” person? 



newlywed2012 said:


> Thanks. I've reread this comment a few times. It's really what I'm struggling with: are his comments a big deal or not? Are they indicative of a bigger problem in our marriage, his personality, or our future?


Men, for the most part, are visual and looks are a big deal…especially if he is a good looking guy and in shape. 

He's told you he isn't physically attracted to you at this weight. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. From a guy...I don't think you need to be making a bigger deal out of it than that.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There is also the known fact that when someone has a change in their own life which makes them appear to be more appealing in their own mind they can change attitude quite a bit.

This is especially apparent when a person has stomach stapling or belting to help them loose weight. After successful weight loss it is amazing how their attitude can change towards their spouse. There are actually several threads on that issue on this board.

Perhaps when you met and your husband and he asked you to marry him he thought you were acceptable as is, and now that he has this epiphany in his own physical condition he has decided he is too good for you.

That's just another possibility.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This isn’t about your weight (although losing a few pounds would be good for your overall health) so much as it’s about the fact that he has his eye on another female. Probably someone who is fit, slim and goes to the gym regularly.

Is there a newly hired female coworker at his place of business? A new contractor? A new female client or sales rep? The fact that he has changed his email password all of a sudden is a huge red flag.

His snarky comments are really just his own pent up frustration and resentment because he can’t act on his attraction for this person. At the moment, YOU represent an obstacle to his desire, hence his resentment towards you. And he now resents your being overweight because SHE isn’t overweight, and he is attracted to her.

Marriage counseling may help. But he has demonstrated real ass-wipe behavior towards you, so ask yourself if you really want to be married to someone who has disrespected you and hurt you so deeply.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry your husband hurt your feelings. It must be embarrassing and upsetting to have your husband comment he is unhappy with you weight. It's not nice to have a spouse complain or express concern about anything negative, but I do think it's important that couples be able to share their concerns, even in super sensitive areas like weight. It is unfair to your husband if he is unable to share that with you. I don't think his comments were particularly hurtful, except that they were negative about your weight, but how else can he share that with you when it's obviously bothering him.

I'm not in the camp that weight and looks don't matter. Physical attraction is an important factor. I'd rather hear the cold, hard truth than go along merrily thinking things are fine when they aren't. Hopefully it would be put as nicely as possible. I'm sorry that your husband didn't use comforting words to encourage you at the same time he was delivering this negative message.

If he didn't find you attractive on vacation, he sure hid it well. It's possible he may have met someone at the gym or has been viewing pornography. Otherwise, it's hard to say exactly what has caused him to feel dissatisfied with your weight gain when it didn't seem to bother him before. Maybe he still thinks you are beautiful, but would like you to be more fit and healthy. Overweight doesn't equal unattractive. There are lots of beautiful people who are also overweight.

As far as why his attraction seems to have weakened, could it have something to do with the amount of hours you are working? Have you been seeing enough of each other and having enough sex to make you both happy? I'm putting out several suggestions here that you might consider in trying to resolve what's wrong.

I understand that you are super busy. 14 hour days are horrible. But the problem isn't only lack of exercise. Most people who are as busy as you don't eat well. They don't really have time unless they make it a priority and plan for their meals ahead of time. I recommend you do that. Make a plan for what you are going to eat and prepare in advance. Eat as many vegetables as possible and cut back on carbohydrates, sugar, soft drinks, and starches. Eat a moderate amount of protein. Take a B complex to help with metabolism and energy.

Working so much, not eating well, not getting exercise, etc., is not doing your personal health any good and it may be taking a toll on your marriage as well. Is there anything you can do to reduce your hours? Perhaps delegate more? Don't take on as many projects? Leave earlier? After a certain number of hours, productivity tends to decrease, so working all those extra hours might not be as productive as you think.

Can you workout together? As I mentioned above, you working so much has got to be taking a toll on your relationship. If you are working out together or at least at the same time, that might lessen some of that disconnect.

Anyway, these are some ideas that I hope you find helpful and I hope things improve with your husband, your health, and your job.


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