# Not masturbating=No sex drive for H



## RedRidingHood (Jan 31, 2015)

I'm 39 (second marriage) and H is 34 (first marriage), no kids for either of us. Been married almost 4 years, together for 6.

I've always been extremely HD. When H and I were first together, there was lots of sex. He claims I was always the initiator, maybe that's true? He's said in past relationships he was content with max 2x a week. Our sex is off the charts, best we've ever had. He used to say it was sooo satisfying that he didn't need it as often.

We've been overseas most of our relationship. B/c of this, it's hard for me to find a job. We recently moved to a new country. It's been stressful as we've had lots of things to deal with here. H has been extremely tired and our sex life has dwindled. There have been times when it's once a week or two. 

He mentioned to me last night that it's b/c he never has his "alone time" anymore. That I'm always at the house when he's here. And that not masturbating has caused him to not want it anymore. He said that "I" get my alone time and it's not fair.

At our last place, I worked PT at a retail store. I found out he was coming home at lunch while I was working to take care of business. It wouldn't have bothered me...except I worked in the next building and he'd stop by to see me when I worked. That stopped. My coworkers would ask where he was at. His coworkers would come by and ask where he was. 

Him having his alone time didn't really increase the frequency either. He still didn't initiate. I found out that he watched porn in the bathroom one night while I was at home...that hurt the most that he'd rather do that alone than come to me.

I mentioned that maybe I should start going out (to the gym or fitness classes) so he can be alone. I can't go shopping as the stores here close early. I have one GF but she lives far away and we only see each other during the day every couple of weeks. Part of me wants to give him his alone time but I'm not sure if it will help. Is this normal? Does a guy lose his drive if he's not masturbating?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

That makes no sense to me. It sounds like he has a lot of opportunities to have sex with you so why would he rather masturbate? That's the big question. If he really wanted to masturbate he could do it in the shower or in the bathroom. Maybe he is upset that you are at home and not working? Is he resentful and that's why he doesn't want sex with you. 

I see more posts from wives complaining that their husbands would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with them. I don't get it. They have a women who wants to have sex with them and they would rather jack off. It really kills a womens self esteem when she finds out this is going on.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

RedRidingHood said:


> I'm 39 (second marriage) and H is 34 (first marriage), *no kids for either of us*. Been married almost 4 years, together for 6.


When you have great sex and this continues over an extended period of time without procreating, subconscious instincts can kick in to reinforce that recent mating has not been successful and may make continued mating less appetizing. The desire to masturbate may be tied to the desire to begin seeking another mate where procreation is more viable. 

If recent sex was the best it had ever been, then that could have been hormones going into to overdrive in a last ditch attempt to procreate for this relationship. 

Now I am not one of those people that thinks sex is for the sole purpose of procreation, but it does play a significant role. 

In some twisted areas of the internet where everything gets turned upside down, "pregnancy risk" often manifests itself as a fetish in couples that engage in long term recreational sex. I do not see this as a fetish, but more so instincts bringing things back to normal. So talk to your hubby about stopping the pill and playing condom roulette in which one out of six of his condoms has holes poked into it. That might get a rise out of him!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

masturbating is easy, quick and does the job pretty much every time.
it is the lazy man's way.

that's why a lot of guys will substitute that.

man/woman intercourse can take a while, not so simple and result in unsatisfying sex sometimes. there can be a frustration level and performance anxiety that goes along with it. it's a much more complex engagement.

that's the cold hard facts.

all that however, does not negate your basic point one iota!

I personally believe it is a man's duty and PRIVILEGE to engage his wife in love making. As another poster once said, it is the glue which holds the marriage together. Men (and women) who neglect this are shirking their duties and missing out on the most glorious human experience life has to offer.


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## RedRidingHood (Jan 31, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> That makes no sense to me. It sounds like he has a lot of opportunities to have sex with you so why would he rather masturbate? That's the big question. If he really wanted to masturbate he could do it in the shower or in the bathroom. Maybe he is upset that you are at home and not working? Is he resentful and that's why he doesn't want sex with you.


I was hesitant about "following him" overseas as I've always been independent. He was PO'd when I got the PT job b/c it meant I had to work 2 Saturdays a month and we couldn't travel as much. However he got his "alone time" until his guy friends wanted to hang out on those days. 

He makes more than enough money to take care of us plus we get housing/utilities paid for. We have a substantial savings. I used to do volunteer work, I also run a few websites. I take care of the entire house and most errands. 

He goes to work, comes home, watches TV all night, and when it's bedtime, he's too tired for sex.


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## RedRidingHood (Jan 31, 2015)

badsanta said:


> When you have great sex and this continues over an extended period of time without procreating, subconscious instincts can kick in to reinforce that recent mating has not been successful and may make continued mating less appetizing. The desire to masturbate may be tied to the desire to begin seeking another mate where procreation is more viable.
> 
> If recent sex was the best it had ever been, then that could have been hormones going into to overdrive in a last ditch attempt to procreate for this relationship.
> 
> ...


My first marriage ended b/c of unexplained infertility. H knew there was a chance I might not be able to get pregnant when we first got together. He (unlike my xH) doesn't plan on leaving me if we can't have kids. 

We've tried fertility treatments and been burned by adoption attempts. I'm still hopeful though! H could take it or leave it. He thinks I need to concentrate on a possible life w/o kids. I haven't told him in a long time when fertile time is and we haven't had treatments in 2 years. I don't talk to him about it except when one of our bonehead friends starts complaining how he got his wife pregnant for the 3rd time and they only have sex ONCE a year.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> masturbating is easy, quick and does the job pretty much every time.
> it is the lazy man's way.
> 
> that's why a lot of guys will substitute that.
> ...


Yep. I learned this recently. When I confessed my cyber-affair to my husband he admitted that for years he was "jacking-off" to porn in the bathroom just to get release and be done with it. Between family issues and work issues he didn't have interest in having sex with me. Too much work.

This played havoc with my self-esteem. When your husband doesn't touch you sexually for years you become very insecure and do things that will help you feel less insecure...or at least that's what I did. Life is too short not to have hard-core, kinky sex IMHO.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Brigit said:


> Yep. I learned this recently. When I confessed my cyber-affair to my husband he admitted that for years he was "jacking-off" to porn in the bathroom just to get release and be done with it. Between family issues and work issues he didn't have interest in having sex with me. Too much work.
> 
> This played havoc with my self-esteem. When your husband doesn't touch you sexually for years you become very insecure and do things that will help you feel less insecure...or at least that's what I did. Life is too short not to have hard-core, kinky sex IMHO.


you had the courage and strength to admit to your cyber affair.
now will he finally get it?


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> you had the courage and strength to admit to your cyber affair.
> now will he finally get it?


Yes. Now he gets. It was the ONLY thing that woke him up which is why he wasn't so angry about the affair. I don't recommend anyone else having a cyber-affair.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

This sounds something similar to my experience....

My wife was the HD partner of the two at the start of the marriage.She was eager to have sex every night... when you get it so often, you (a guy) can tend to feel a bit overwhelmed. Frankly, it left me a bit drained (we guys orgasm each time, so I guess the body needs time to recoup).

Anyway, after 2-3 years of a marriage/relationship, it's quite normal for one or the other partner to see a declining interest in sex. I doubt masturbating would help him make a comeback.... because he would have already got his quota of sex for the week.

In my case, my partner knows that I masturbate (now, I am the HD partner) and she's okay with it. It only helps tide over times when she's not in the mood (which is often, now), and rather than get cheesed off, I can channelise my frustration. 

To a certain extent, I'd say that masturbation keeps a sex drive alive in a mismatched marriage. But I would see the HD partner doing it, not the LD.

Anyway, my suggestion: give him his space to masturbate or watch porn if he wishes. Sometimes sex in a couple's bed gets boring; it was porn that excited my imagination to trying out new things. Don't make him feel guilty about masturbating or watching porn. Why don't you guys both get together and watch porn jointly? Or even join in each other's masturbatory activities? (I'm often massaging my partner to climax... it turns me on and gets her off...)


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I "try" not to masturbate at all. If I do masturbate I "try" not to orgasm. This does a couple things.
1. It increases my orgasm intensity when I do have sex with my wife.
2. It increases my desire for my wife
3. It increases my animal instincts while with my wife.

Something that I think is very important to a successful sex life in marriage is expressed lust toward your partner. I think my wife really gets off on me salivating over her body. If I masturbate, it just defeats the purpose and decreases my animalistic urges for my wife. (this could be because I am 53 years old, so take what I say with a grain of salt)

BTW, I am HD and my wife is LD. We have sex on average about twice a week. The less I masturbate the better the sex and for some reason, the more my wife wants sex.

I think my wife can somehow sense if I have masturbated. 

Maybe it's her innate biological urge to be topped off with a maximum sperm count (Atholism) Just kidding, couldn't resist


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

badsanta said:


> When you have great sex and this continues over an extended period of time without procreating, subconscious instincts can kick in to reinforce that recent mating has not been successful and may make continued mating less appetizing. The desire to masturbate may be tied to the desire to begin seeking another mate where procreation is more viable.
> 
> If recent sex was the best it had ever been, then that could have been hormones going into to overdrive in a last ditch attempt to procreate for this relationship.
> 
> ...



I think you are referring the Coolidge affect. I don't think it is about failed reproduction but more about the evolutionary drive to mate with as many females as possible. 

OP, watch the fire first minutes at least of this video at least though the whole things gives a good view into how guys can fall into this. If he is taking care of himself, but not you, it might not be cheating but it is a kind of neglect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

brownmale said:


> This sounds something similar to my experience....
> 
> My wife was the HD partner of the two at the start of the marriage.*She was eager to have sex every night... when you get it so often, you (a guy) can tend to feel a bit overwhelmed. Frankly, it left me a bit drained (we guys orgasm each time, so I guess the body needs time to recoup).*
> 
> ...


The bolded is your experience and very valid but it is not how others work. My partner can easily have sex everyday and then some, he can go again within 1/2 hr. He is not the only one here that O's, I have multiples more than half the time, it is not just men that O every time.

OP your husband is making excuses, get it sorted asap or you will end up wasting your life in a sexless marriage and run the risk of becoming very low in self esteem. Trust me, if it gets to that point there is a long, slow uphill battle to recover. Fix it (conselling may help) or move on.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Maybe the two of you can masturbate together?

Not as a replacement for sex, but for a different thing to do?


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