# I cheated



## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

About 6 months ago, I began having an affair with a friend of mine. My husband found out almost immediately and we became separated. I thought at that time that our marriage was over and that I had tried to make things work but it never seemed to make a difference. The relationship with the other man lasted for three months, the entire time i thought about my husband and how much I missed him but figured it was too late. It ended when my husband sent me a text message telling me how much he missed me. 

I have asked to see a marriage counselor and he refuses. He has said that he wants nothing short of me getting a divorce and that if i don't, we will stayed married but will not have any contact. He said this when he was drunk and very angry. Since then he has apologized for his behavior but has not answered whether or not he truly feels this way. 

After we became separated, we had sex which ended up in a pregnancy that i lost early. Prior to losing it, we both talked about how we were excited for the baby (it would be our first). After I told him that I lost it, he was very nice and supportive, but then began ignoring me. It has been a week since i have initiated any contact and he has not tried to get a hold of me. 

My question is this: Should I try to contact him, or continue to wait for him to contact me?

I miss him so much and every day i think about the things that i should have done differently and how i would give anything to take away the pain that i have caused him. I do love him and i hate the fact that i have the capacity to hurt him in this way.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't know what led you to choose an affair - but you did choose it. And now you have to deal with the consequences - and accept those consequences.

You're moving too fast. You are caught up in the back-spin of having neither your lover, nor your husband. 

You aren't ready to resolve anything. Leave him alone. Try to get your head on straight. _You_ should go to therapy, regardless of his choice.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Meowmers,

I am sorry to hear that you ruined some lives with your lack of self control and selfishness. I don't think you will get a lot of pitty from this forum but I am glad to hear that you feel bad about what you have done. Cheating has a way of creating scars that often never heal. I know for me, I have a constant fear of when and if it will happen again. The lack of Trust in a relationship is not good. Every couple is different and deal with problems in different ways. I can only suggest that you pray about it and try to explain to him why it happened and what you are going to do in order to make sure it never happens again.


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## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

I came onto this site with the same type of post. I don't have much advice, but don't let what a lot of them are saying get to you too much. They are on the opposite side of the cheating world than we are.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Ditajr said:


> I came onto this site with the same type of post. I don't have much advice, but don't let what a lot of them are saying get to you too much. They are on the opposite side of the cheating world than we are.



Ditajr,

you sound as if your proud to be a cheater, I will try to understand if you can tell me one good thing that can come out of cheating that maybe a little counseling or communication could not have maybe resolved.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Ditajr said:


> I came onto this site with the same type of post. I don't have much advice, but don't let what a lot of them are saying get to you too much. They are on the opposite side of the cheating world than we are.


Well, that would be because infidelity causes a lot of pain Ditajr to the one who has been betrayed. I understand mistakes well, and I have made a few myself in my time. However, when you use terms like "they are on the opposite side of the cheating world then we are", I frankly don't know what to make of it.

I assure you that most of us on the "other side of the world" are not so stupid and inept as to not know where the "airport" to adultery is. It's not that we couldn't fly to your side of the world if we chose to D. 

In my case, morality, honor, and commitment have "cut up" my passport, and prevented me from leaving the country of Marriage.
So congratualtions on sneaking through customs Ditarj. Send me a postcard though, because I won't be visiting your side of the world anytime soon. LIL


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Think a letter sounds good too. I'd keep it brief and simple. Also agree that you should be in therapy regardless of what your husband chooses.

In the letter - apologize, apologize and apologize. Emphasize you realize you made a mistake and - if possible - tell him about your plans for therapy or any other ACTIONS you have taken or are willing to take to show him that you are serious.

And sorry to hear about your loss. Part of the distance could be him not knowing how to deal with the lost pregnancy.

A letter, time and space. Good luck on making things right again.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I'm going to agree with the letter, apology and counseling suggestions.

Please understand that his pain is terrible. You're going to have to take a certain about of 'emotional backlash'....I guess it's part of the healing process.

Also, I'm a 'betrayed spouse', but that doesn't mean I think less of you for posting here. This is a Talk About Marriage forum and there are a lot of issues here. It's great that you want to save your marriage and I will not beat you up. (You'll be doing plenty of that to yourself for the next few years.)

He might not come back. It will be his decision. But you can make it clear that you are very sorry for your mistake, that you love him and are dedicated to both MAKING THE MARRIAGE WORK and GIVING HIM THE TIME HE NEEDS.

One reaction he MIGHT have is to say "Okay, I accept your apology, it's over, let's forget about it and move on." If he tries that, don't argue with him, but realize that it isn't true. You'll have needs as well and he might not address them - such as the need to talk. I shut my wife out of the conversation on her affair for a few months. It was a mistake, but she didn't complain.

Anyway, get into counseling!


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## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

My entire point, as it has been the whole time since I first posted, would be that every human makes a mistake at one point or another. I don't judge anyone else for their mistakes. I try to see it from both sides and try to understand even if I don't always agree with it.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

meo - drop your ego and bend over backward for him everyday every minute for a long long time. call him often. leave messages and DON'T expect a call back. do everything you can to show him you want him - emotionally & physically.

BUT DON'T do ANY OF THIS if you are still lying - to him. to yourself. DON'T be the one that just wants what can not be had. You F'd up for a reason. What was it. And now that you've done it, will you do it again? If you THINK you won't - why on Earth should he believe you? Why on Earth should he take you back? Figure it out and then tell him every single day. DON'T BLAME HIM. This is YOUR F-up. Deal with it.

If you want to win him back to be part of your life - show him EVERYDAY in some way. Not one letter. One letter EVERYDAY. You have a LOT of work to do - is it worth it to you? Do you have it in you? You came here - you just might.


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## Raemay38 (Dec 12, 2009)

Call him if you love him still and you know their is hope in savign your marriage. Has he forgiven you of the affair?
I think he misses you if he texted that to you. 
Just call him and ask to meet with him to talk about your marriage ok.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just wanted to drop in and say that I agree with writing a letter to your H and let him know a) that you care about him b) that you know you hurt him and you want to do better and c) that you know in your heart of hearts that he is who you want, and that you hope he feels the same. 

You made a mistake, yes. Should you be punished? Yes. Forever? No. No one can take that. Maybe plan to cook a nice meal and ask him to meet you so you can just talk. Talk about what he wants and needs, and tell him what you think lead to this A. You are gonna have to be honest, put your heart out there and take the risk of being hurt. But it could be worth it in the end. Best of luck.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

PPL like you frustrate the hell outa me


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