# Hit the Trifecta! Cheating/Lying/Stealing. I think I'm done.



## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

I made a list of all the things my wife has done in the last 3 years and the "lies" she has told to try to get away with it, not sure what is true and what isn't. Here it goes.

followed by her explanations after each number and the alternative

1.Lied about being at work when really over at EX
Knew I didn’t like the custody arrangement she had in place and felt that she couldn’t talk to me about it so had to lie

2.EX in the Walmart parking lot screamed for no apparent reason “I fxxcked her in your car”
She says that is untrue Ex just being crazy
or
She is lying

3.EX regularly stated he was still sleeping with her and begged her to let him talk to me.
Ex still just being crazy
or
She is lying

4.Facebook messages about screwing around.
Not receiving enough attention from me, her version of porn. Nothing physical just dirty talk.
or
She is lying

5.Unexplainable comments of male friends who were just friends yet in the end there objectives were clear.
Clueless to how the world of men works
or
She is lying.

6.UTI that is most commonly caused from having multiple sexual partners.
Other things can cause it too
or
She is lying.

7.Two weeks after we got married. Lying and being at some other guys house. 6am, said she was at work. 
Was just helping him/them clean and knew I would be upset about it, so didn’t say anything
or
She is lying

Caught her red handed with these next three on her phone, intentions in question not content

8.Text that read “Do you think you could just chill inside me and not move around a whole lot”
Really wanted it to be me that she said that to, but I was being distant, so another just dirty talk. (meanwhile I'm working two full time jobs, going through a bankruptcy)
or
She is lying

9.Meeting same dude at park.
Asked me to go, only contacted other dude when I didn’t, didn’t get too physical only touched her butt.
or
She is lying

10.Lying about going to the store and actually going to same dudes house “wanting a kiss” but gate was locked.
Cheating no other way to look at it. Didn't wait to get kiss because she knew it was wrong
or
She is lying

11.Former best friend swears that she has cheated many times.
Friend is a dishonest, cheating **** with divisive intentions to bring everyone down with her.
or
Former best friend is telling the truth

12.Ride home from sisters from some guy I don’t know.
Knew I would get upset so didn’t tell me.
or
She is lying

13.Sister seemed confused and taken off by the question of where is she?
Must have been busy doing something else and couldn’t really talk.
or
Sister covering for her.

14.Constantly going to sisters for multiple weekends in a row, while I stayed at home and cleaned.
Wanting to feel young again, have fun with people who don’t have preconcieved notions. Angry with me.
or
She is lying

15.Disappears in the bathroom for longer than anyone person I know, to the point where other people ask often “is she OK?, where did she go?”
Just one of those people
or
Communicating with someone in secret.

16. Not answering her phone for hours 
Doesn’t want to talk
or
she is lying

17.Changing all her passwords and pins.
Because I changed my gmail password 18 months ago
or
She is lying

18.Turning off find my iphone.
Doesn’t want me to know where she is/ doesn’t think I should know
or
She is lying

19. Deleting messages from her phone from some guy who I don’t know, who gave her a ride home.
Thought I would get upset and over-react but had nothing to hide.
or
She lying

19.Deleted call history of same guy. 11 min call
Accidental but just one of her sisters friends anyway
or
She is lying

19.Sister and other best friend blocked me on facebook.
You asked them to
or
Concerned I can link whoever she is screwing around with to them.

20. Shoplifts all the time, got caught by my 10 year old daughter(not ours) 
Can't deny her theivery but says daughter is making it up and she would never steal in front of her and she only "rarely steals pants"


All of that was over a two-three year period, and I finally had enough last night. When I caught in yet another lie. For four days she had been swearing up and down that she was home from 4-7 on tuesday, but I knew she wasn't because a package got delivered and nobody was there to get the package. For 2 days I just kept saying "Why are you still lying? How, stupid do you think I am?" Finally, came clean after catching her in different lie, talked all night, she seemed contrite and spoke a lot about her lack of self worth(She might have some if she would get her GED (27 years old), maybe get a job, or clean the house, or stop yelling at her son, and stop lying and stealing).

Yet, she feels that she needs to be independent and has this desire that she can't let go of and is consumed by regret that she didn't get to hang out and be single when she was in her early 20's. And know's that its wrong but can't let go of it.Claims she never had sex or kissed anyone else just talking and only ever wanting me but I pushed her away. Funny, I don't remember anywhere in our vows where we said "if you aren't giving me enough attention, I can go get it from somewhere else"

After talking all night, I just want to sleep and not deal with this anymore, no anger on my part just disbelief and a sense of relief that I am not crazy, as she had called me for the last 3 days for not believing her lie, she wanted a resolution then and there. I said ok, then in the morning I am going to take my daughter and leave the house(For the day, couple hours, IDK just wasn't going to spend it there) 

Next morning, when I started following through with my intentions, she went crazy telling me how awful I was for not letting her son and my daughter spend the day together, I should have just left without my daughter. UM, NO

HIT ME, BLAMED ME, tried to not let me leave. Her 6 year old son had to come to my defense as I have never more than slapped her for my own protection. I left with my daughter. She has since left with her son, My daughter and I our back at the house, she is not. She has dropped her son off at his fathers(good guy) and gone up to her sisters. 

She has no money, no job, and a borrowed car that gets 14 mpg. I have only 1 issue with providing reasonable support for her financially and it is my demand for being left alone while I decide what to do.As in you don't get to debate with me anymore, so dont tell me what to do.

Worst part is I am angry writing this but truth be told, I am scared to death for her. We don't have any kids together, no property, no financial ties. Her whole family gave up on her a long time ago (save her younger sister, and Grandfather), no one will be able to help her and she won't be able to stay an hour away from her son for long(could be wrong about that, might abandon him like her parents did), so she will probably be coming home, and I don't have the money to leave for another 6 months.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS?????


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

Sorry you are here. I know how hard these situations are especially when you are involved in them it's a bit harder to see things clearly. 

From what I gathered,you don't trust her and rightfully so. Marriage is pretty much over right there. 

At this point,I don't think you could trust her again. You've caught her in one lie for certain so it's probably safe to say that there are others she has lied about as well. 

What she did and didn't do in her early 20's has no real bearing on what she does now. Moreso when she has a kid. She is responsible for her own actions and this is childish on her part. 

I think you have done the right thing by taking your child and distancing yourself from her. 

Unfortunately,after 3 years of dealing with lies,drama and possibly affairs there is no way it hasn't taken a toll on you as well.

My question is. Was all this going on even while you were dating? If it was I don't know how you would have thought the marriage would really be any different. You've have already seen messages of a sexual nature. My guess would be this didn't start occurring just when you got married. 

Would your parents be willing to let you and your daughter stay with them by chance? At the very least 2 or 3 days of cooling off might do you a lot of good to get your head straight on what you think is the best course of action for you.

However,I don't think this is a situation that you should keep dealing with any longer. You are a grown man.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She said she wouldn't shoplift in front of the kid and she rarely steals pants. At least she's a criminal with scruples. What do you need assistance with? You know she's a serially dishonest person. You don't trust her and you can't trust her. Love can't live where trust doesn't. You should have been gone three years ago. Will another three years add anything to your life?


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

She has no respect for you to keep lying as she is. Sometimes marriage is not worth it. This is one of those situations.

Time to leave. The two of you are clearly not for each other.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Not sure you can fix her problem and BTW it is her problem to fix, sure you can be worried for her and her son but to be honest she has to hit rock bottom before she can get help and she needs it in a big way or she will just dupe some other guy. lets face it she does not have a great track record. since she can not support herself i recommend telling her she has 6 months to get a job and save her money because that is how long it will take you to leave with your daughter...and sadly live under the same house as roommates. your marriage is over


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Check with your bankruptcy attorney and see if he/she can give you a 2-for-1 special and throw in a divorce for free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

You need to leave this crazy lady. You are teaching your daughter that this is what is normal. Is that the model you want your daughter to emulate?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Read your own thread. 

You know how to deal with this. 

You can't reason with a lunatic. You can only act. So, act... For the sake of getting your daughter away from that toxic woman, if nothing else.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's lying.

Divorce.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What were he circumstances that caused her to divorce her previous husband? Did she pull the same crap on him? Were you the OM in that situation?

Just asking, because it might be a valuable use of time to ask her ex to meet you for coffee or a beer and ask him straight up why they divorced. I bet it would be eye opening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Distance yourself from her while you prepare to move out and file for divorce. 

When married to a chronic liar and thief that's all you can do. Trust me. I was once married to a liar and a thief who cheated (confirmed multiple affairs). He also didn't have anything going for him and liked to do the poor pitiful me bullpucky rather than do something useful.

I left him nearly 16 years ago now and he's STILL a liar, thief, and cheat. The difference is that I'm not the sucker who has to deal with him anymore. 

You said her parents abandoned her and the only family that sticks with her are her sister and grandfather. Umm, no. Her family members didn't "abandon" her. They merely recognized her for what she is and, knowing she won't change, stopped enabling her and removed her lies, stealing, drama, and bullshyte from their lives like sane people do. Her grandfather and sister are still enabling, that's all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's more like she's hit the jackpot, since she can do all of this with impunity and you stick around to boot.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't know why you stayed this long. You can't help her. She doesn't want help. What you need to do is to keep your daughter away from someone like this and you start your life over without her. You should have called it quits a long time ago. No trust means no marriage.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Wow, you took a long time to open your eyes. But don't close them again!

She could have turned her life around any time she chose. She prefers to live this way. So dump her and let her live that way without you.

You sound like you have a bit of a 'rescuer' personality. She does not deserve rescue anymore. You tried, and she failed you, at least 20 times by your count. What she does after you kick her out of the house is not your problem. You are no longer rescuing her - she is now just using you.

The best thing you can do for her now is to let her learn independence.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

Huddox said:


> Sorry you are here. I know how hard these situations are especially when you are involved in them it's a bit harder to see things clearly.
> 
> From what I gathered,you don't trust her and rightfully so. Marriage is pretty much over right there.
> 
> ...


Yes, some it was going on while we were dating but I'm Captain Save-a-HO, so I didn't see the whole picture.

No, parents live too far away.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> She said she wouldn't shoplift in front of the kid and she rarely steals pants. At least she's a criminal with scruples. What do you need assistance with? You know she's a serially dishonest person. You don't trust her and you can't trust her. Love can't live where trust doesn't. You should have been gone three years ago. Will another three years add anything to your life?


I'm the guy who doesn't believe in the death penalty because I see the good in everyone, and believe in change and effective punishment that rehabilitates. Not saying, I want to punish her or that I'm not done, done. But, just I don't want to be the guy who pulls the switch on the electric chair.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

Xenote said:


> Not sure you can fix her problem and BTW it is her problem to fix, sure you can be worried for her and her son but to be honest she has to hit rock bottom before she can get help and she needs it in a big way or she will just dupe some other guy. lets face it she does not have a great track record. since she can not support herself i recommend telling her she has 6 months to get a job and save her money because that is how long it will take you to leave with your daughter...and sadly live under the same house as roommates. your marriage is over


Pretty much what I told her.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

Workathome said:


> You need to leave this crazy lady. You are teaching your daughter that this is what is normal. Is that the model you want your daughter to emulate?


Sadly, she is still a better role model than her actual Mother. I love my daughter and I guess I just know how to pick them, but the one thing I will give my daughter that neither of these women had is a father that is there for them and loves her unconditionally, cycle will be broken.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

jj224 said:


> Yes, some it was going on while we were dating but I'm Captain Save-a-HO, so I didn't see the whole picture.
> 
> No, parents live too far away.


Captain Save a Ho nearly always gets promoted to Major Regret.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> What were he circumstances that caused her to divorce her previous husband? Did she pull the same crap on him? Were you the OM in that situation?
> 
> Just asking, because it might be a valuable use of time to ask her ex to meet you for coffee or a beer and ask him straight up why they divorced. I bet it would be eye opening.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He and I have a great relationship. She was never married but I was the OM(I didn't know for sure at first because I was still believing her lies and she moved out right after we met, not with me but on her own(Kinda, story for another day)

Dad and I have very healthy relationship but the future will probably not include my stepson(Very sad), I will always be there for him but he doesn't need me, he has a father. I need him more than he needs me.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Give her the independence that she wants so badly. 

And all the responsibility that comes with it.....live food, clothing and shelter....

You married an uneducated princess.

Save yourself and your child
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

jj224 said:


> I'm the guy who doesn't believe in the death penalty because I see the good in everyone, and believe in change and effective punishment that rehabilitates. Not saying, I want to punish her or that I'm not done, done. But, just I don't want to be the guy who pulls the switch on the electric chair.


I don't especially want to punish liars and thieves but what possible value is a dishonest spouse? I wouldn't want a dishonest person even mowing my lawn. I sure as hell don't want one for a wife.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> It's more like she's hit the jackpot, since she can do all of this with out impunity and you stick around to boot.


My words " Do you have any idea how lucky you are?" 

Not to toot my own horn but aside from my incredibly poor taste in women, I am a great guy from a wealthy family with a great job, very intelligent, good lucking, still got my hair, and my future is bright!! My brother says I just date beneath me, so clearly I have some issues that are still around. So, yes the has the golden ticket if she could have just been honest with herself.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The best thing you can do for her now is to let her learn independence.


For a long time I have said it was selfish of me to keep her around as it isn't helping her and not what she needs. So, all those times she calls me selfish, she was kinda right, without knowing why..


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

Thank you for all the replies. I have to stay the course!!!!!!!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jj224 said:


> Not to toot my own horn but aside from my incredibly poor taste in women, I am a great guy from a wealthy family with a great job, very intelligent, good lucking, still got my hair, and my future is bright!! My brother says I just date beneath me, so clearly I have some issues that are still around. So, yes the has the golden ticket if she could have just been honest with herself.


You've learned that all of those "great" things don't impact your ability (or inability) to *choose wisely.*


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

I think she is coming back tonight. Her son has school in the morning. I can't legally make her leave. She's gonna want to talk, I just have no idea what to say. 

Last thing I said to her was earlier today" Do whatever it is you need to do, you have a great opportunity with a new job (I got her), that will start in a few days, and I'm not asking anything from you, save the money and when our lease is up in March we will go our separate ways." 

Maybe I should put up some tape lines like that episode of I love Lucy and set boundaries of the house and divide things that way...


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## Huddox (Sep 30, 2015)

jj224 said:


> I think she is coming back tonight. Her son has school in the morning. I can't legally make her leave. She's gonna want to talk, I just have no idea what to say.
> 
> Last thing I said to her was earlier today" Do whatever it is you need to do, you have a great opportunity with a new job (I got her), that will start in a few days, and I'm not asking anything from you, save the money and when our lease is up in March we will go our separate ways."
> 
> Maybe I should put up some tape lines like that episode of I love Lucy and set boundaries of the house and divide things that way...


You could always couch it at the very least..or tell her to couch it even better. 

All you need to say is what you have said here. As has been said. You can't trust her. It's highly unlikely that you will ever be able too. The marriage is over. 

It may have been mentioned but I didn't see it. If you are indeed always looking for these toxic women you may want to look into some counseling for yourself and see if you can get to the bottom of why you are doing so and correct it. As long as you are trying to save other people I worry that you will be the one person you don't save.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If you don't know how to act or what to say, it may be best to start using parts of the 180 list.

Here. Read / learn...

No More Mr Nice Guy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Were you involved as a youth in rescuing strays and neglected animals? Your intentions are noble if not misguided. You appear to see yourself as her "savior" for lack of a better word but you must realize that in order to save anyone they must want to be saved. If they do not, as she appears not to, then all of your efforts will be for naught. She must come to realize that she needs saving in order for your efforts to be at all fruitful.

Ofttimes people must be at the lowest point of their lives to finally realize that they need help. I regret to inform you that you have probably kept her from hitting this low place in life and therefore have helped perpetuate her behavior to some degree. It is sad but you are actually, in offering her a better life, slowing her possible progress to realizing her need for change. I say possible progress because it is not entirely without the realm of possibility that she may never see it and may flounder along her entire life.

At some point you must begin to think about yourself and your future and understand that she simply does not want your help or at the very least, does not recognize the need for it. Your decision to make but this could go on for years with no resolution. I wish you good fortune.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

jj224 said:


> I think she is coming back tonight. Her son has school in the morning. I can't legally make her leave. She's gonna want to talk, I just have no idea what to say.
> 
> Last thing I said to her was earlier today" Do whatever it is you need to do, you have a great opportunity with a new job (I got her), that will start in a few days, and I'm not asking anything from you, save the money and when our lease is up in March we will go our separate ways."
> 
> Maybe I should put up some tape lines like that episode of I love Lucy and set boundaries of the house and divide things that way...


Dishonest people can be masters of manipulating those who aren't dishonest. She already knows you as a rescuer. I fear that if your exit plan hinges on her getting a job she will simply not get (or keep) the job. I obviously don't know her but from what you have described, I'd be looking for her to seriously step up her efforts to find a replacement Sugar Daddy. She might place Miss Nice for a while to delay your departure. If there are any joint accounts I'd be closing them.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jj224 said:


> I think she is coming back tonight. Her son has school in the morning. I can't legally make her leave. She's gonna want to talk, I just have no idea what to say.
> 
> Last thing I said to her was earlier today" Do whatever it is you need to do, you have a great opportunity with a new job (I got her), that will start in a few days, and I'm not asking anything from you, save the money and when our lease is up in March we will go our separate ways."
> 
> Maybe I should put up some tape lines like that episode of I love Lucy and set boundaries of the house and divide things that way...


Simple. Tell her that you are a monogamous person, meaning that you stay with one person and one person only throughout a relationship, and when that relationship has run its course you go through the legal means to legally end it before moving on to a new partner. 

In your best Spock/Seven of Nine voice, tell her that her behavior indicates that she is a polyamorous person, meaning she sees nothing wrong with having sex with multiple partners at one time while attempting to maintain a legal marriage with one of them (you). She requires more sexual and emotional validation than you as one partner are able to provide. 

Because of this difference in lifestyle, core beliefs, disparate needs and polarized morals, you and her are not compatible, and therefore can no longer be married. You were not aware of her polyamorous orientation while dating her and therefore she fraudulently misrepresented herself and tricked you into marrying her, most likely in order to obtain financial support for herself and her child. 

Your wife is not a wh0re. She is just not monogamous. Do you understand this? Problem is, she does not know this. She is not self-aware enough to know this simple fact about herself. 

Marriage requires monogamous partners who are devoted to one another and who have the capacity to live day to day with the same person for decades. Your wife lacks this capacity. On rare occasions, some couples are able to have "open" or "swinging" marriages, but this is because they are both polyamorous, agree that they are polyamorous, share the same mores, and work together to create the false front of monogamy for their family and public, while clandestinely having their fun on the side with other sex partners. Very few couples are able to pull this off and have long-lived marriages. 

In the same way that a gay or lesbian individual can not be forced to become heterosexual, you cannot force your wife to be monogamous. There is no therapy or treatment to turn her into a monogamist. 

Don't ask why, don't try to understand it, because it is not something you can ever understand. She is what she is. Let her be what she is and part ways as amicably as possible.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

jj224 said:


> My words " Do you have any idea how lucky you are?"


Oh she knows, she also knows you are co-dependent thus reluctant to leave regardless of how bad your treated.

You can fix other people but you can fix yourself. She was a mistake, you need to chalk this up as a learning experience (which you failed to "learn" from the last one) and GTFO. There is no happy ending here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce her and thank your lucky stars you didn't have children together, and you found out the real her sooner rather then later.


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