# Poor judgement on my part?



## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

Got a new job recently and get along well with a female co worker 10 years my junior. I am going through a separation and she is single. I do not see her as anything more than a friend. We sometimes have drinks or a meal after work. I have gone to her apartment a few times to chill and have dinner. 

The last time I was there I went to the bathroom and there was a dildo next to the bath, in plain sight. I just ignored it. She went to the bathroom shortly after, came out and said 'did you see that dildo in there?', I laughed i off, said yes. She said she forgot to put it away and has never used it. I said well you must have used it if it's sitting there. (She is a very neat and tidy person BTW) She denies this saying she wants real ****, not plastic. I laugh and say no worries It's common for women to have a sex toy. She again denies using it and says real **** is preferred. I let it go.

She brings it up again later and a similar conversation takes place. I use the bathroom again and the dildo is still there. So i get the impression this is a sign to make a move on her, I do so and get firmly rejected. Since then things have been awkward. She later reveals her ex BF is now back with her and they use the toy together. 

I feel really embarrassed about the whole thing. Also if I knew she was with someone I wouldn't have gone to her apartment as I feel uncomfortable doing so. We had an argument over the situation and now things are frosty. Any advice on how to smooth this over?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Don’t **** where you eat.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mr Steel said:


> Got a new job recently and get along well with a female co worker 10 years my junior. I am going through a separation and she is single. I do not see her as anything more than a friend. We sometimes have drinks or a meal after work. I have gone to her apartment a few times to chill and have dinner.
> 
> The last time I was there I went to the bathroom and there was a dildo next to the bath, in plain sight. I just ignored it. She went to the bathroom shortly after, came out and said 'did you see that dildo in there?', I laughed i off, said yes. She said she forgot to put it away and has never used it. I said well you must have used it if it's sitting there. (She is a very neat and tidy person BTW) She denies this saying she wants real **, not plastic. I laugh and say no worries It's common for women to have a sex toy. She again denies using it and says real ** is preferred. I let it go.
> 
> ...


Any advice on how to smooth this over?

You knew going out for drinks with her and other to her apartment for dinner and chilling out was a slippery slope that was more than just being a friend.

So, the idea is to look for a girlfriend outside of those you work with and to not go over to her apartment any more or to go out with her for dinner or drinks, just one on one. If you want to be just friends, get a few people from work to go out to a dinner after work for coffee, drinks, a happy hour snack with multiple coworkers.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Why are you still separated after all this time, and not divorced? You didn’t even say here that you’re getting divorced, just that you’re separated. If you’re still thinking about staying with your wife, I think it likely mixed signals might be from all sides on this one.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

The situation I am in is tricky. Lawyer's involved on both sides now so it takes time.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I'd run like hell. Maybe she wants to use the dildo on you.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

Yeah didn't think of that.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

She’s back with her ex but invites you to her apartment and talking to you about their sex life?
Nope. Not a quality person, Shes screwing with you. Run.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mr Steel said:


> Any advice on how to smooth this over?


Yes. *Keep well away from her*. That was a manipulative move on her part. Twice hinting she prefers a real d***, and then firmly rejecting you and disclosing the boyfriend. That's game-playing. 

See Rapo: A Sexual Game | From Games People Play by Dr. Eric Berne MD


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr Steel said:


> Got a new job recently and get along well with a female co worker 10 years my junior. I am going through a separation and she is single. I do not see her as anything more than a friend. We sometimes have drinks or a meal after work. I have gone to her apartment a few times to chill and have dinner.
> 
> The last time I was there I went to the bathroom and there was a dildo next to the bath, in plain sight. I just ignored it. She went to the bathroom shortly after, came out and said 'did you see that dildo in there?', I laughed i off, said yes. She said she forgot to put it away and has never used it. I said well you must have used it if it's sitting there. (She is a very neat and tidy person BTW) She denies this saying she wants real **, not plastic. I laugh and say no worries It's common for women to have a sex toy. She again denies using it and says real ** is preferred. I let it go.
> 
> ...


Stop fn arguing and enjoy the situation. Why in the world would you create a conflict over this and not enjoy the moment and have some fun?
Lighten up ffs.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Mr Steel said:



I feel really embarrassed about the whole thing. Also if I knew she was with someone I wouldn't have gone to her apartment as I feel uncomfortable doing so. We had an argument over the situation and now things are frosty. Any advice on how to smooth this over?

Click to expand...

*What a peach. Such a lady.

Why do you have to worry about smoothing _anything_ over? She's a classless pig.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

She's a broken woman who needs to boost her self esteem by playing games with guys to get them to make a move so she can reject them and then feel superior. Who leaves a dildo out in plain site on more than one occasion? No one does that by accident.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> She's a broken woman who needs to boost her self esteem by playing games with guys to get them to make a move so she can reject them and then feel superior. Who leaves a dildo out in plain site on more than one occasion? No one does that by accident.


This. She is very neat and tidy, dresses well and takes care of her appearance and environment. Very odd behavior.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

In my lifetime I 've been played like that a couple of times when young. Both instances my take and response to the situation was to ghost them of of my life. There are some women out there that like to mess with men that way.

Normally, what I have learned from observing these women is that they're messed up individuals. Men need to avoid these types like the plague. They are nothing but, trouble. Ghost her.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mr Steel said:


> Very odd behavior.


Did you read the article I linked? It's not "odd", it's a well-documented game that people play. It's her pulling your strings. If you think game-playing is "odd" then you're going to suffer.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Did you read the article I linked? It's not "odd", it's a well-documented game that people play. It's her pulling your strings. If you think game-playing is "odd" then you're going to suffer.


Just read it now. Hits the nail on the head. I'll steer clear of her and be more alert.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you're not interested at all fooling around with her it's simple to politely disengage from any non work related contact.

Tbh you chose to go to her apartment for social evenings alone with her not just once but repeatedly. Why would she not think you're interested? 

You might consider you're the one making the situation stressful. You're still engaging. 

If it's a game, and might be, sure, but so what?


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you're not interested at all fooling around with her it's simple to politely disengage from any non work related contact.
> 
> Tbh you chose to go to her apartment for social evenings alone with her not just once but repeatedly. Why would she not think you're interested?
> 
> ...


She struck me as very open and straight forward, so I was not expecting this game from her. I'll be polite at work and leave it there.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr Steel said:


> She struck me as very open and straight forward, so I was not expecting this game from her. I'll be polite at work and leave it there.


Getting back out there in the non married world is something perhaps to work on. Kind of refreshing skill sets. 

If a woman invites you to her apt alone that's always an invitation to an on ramp, even if only testing you out. You'll get back in the swing of things. Remember each interaction isn't necessarily serious and casual testing of waters is normal.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Just leave it alone. She was toying with you. She left it out for a reason, brought it up for a reason. Probably got mad that you didn't take the invite the first time that she brought it up. Or she's one of those, only wants what she can't have, kind of girls and then once she can have it - it just feeds her ego to be able to tell you no.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Just leave it alone. She was toying with you. She left it out for a reason, brought it up for a reason. Probably got mad that you didn't take the invite the first time that she brought it up. Or she's one of those, only wants what she can't have, kind of girls and then once she can have it - it just feeds her ego to be able to tell you no.


I like how you said girls... Women don't play games like that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She sounds like a game player and I wouldn't be surprised if you're called into HR for harassment, her completely twisting what happened. Her story will be very different than yours. 

Her game playing and rejecting you on a personal level, is secondary to all of that, imo. So, be careful when you're talking with her. I wouldn't bring it up again. Just be professional, now. Don't go to lunch with her, etc...


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Yes. *Keep well away from her*. That was a manipulative move on her part. Twice hinting she prefers a real d***, and then firmly rejecting you and disclosing the boyfriend. That's game-playing.
> 
> See Rapo: A Sexual Game | From Games People Play by Dr. Eric Berne MD


And she tells him that her and her ex/current BF use the dildo together now. That’s total BS. Just being mean for the fun of it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Works said:


> I like how you said girls... Women don't play games like that.


Amen!!!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> She sounds like a game player and I wouldn't be surprised if you're called into HR for harassment. Her story will be very different than yours.
> 
> Her game playing and rejecting you on a personal level, is secondary to all of that, imo. So, be careful when you're talking with her. I wouldn't bring it up again. Just be professional, now. Don't go to lunch with her, etc...


Right! Keep that garbage out of the office life.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

If she was truly working things out with her boyfriend why would she have you to her place at all? Many ladies use this excuse to let a guy don easy so that you don't think it is a lack of interest in the guy, less explaining that way. She lied about the dildo so she is not transparent and then she left it out. I think this woman lacks a great deal of integrity. Smooth it over? Forget it! move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just stay away from this person. She is not safe in a work situation.

Here is a tip,

You also should never date anyone who is subordinate to you.

And obviously you shouldn't be having conversations about dildos with any of your colleagues including male ones. And this advice is coming from someone navigated a work relationship and eventually married her.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I don't think it was poor judgement on your part at all. Any single guy would have taken what she said as a sign she wanted sex. So don't beat yourself up.

She sounds like a flirt and is into playing games. I would just avoid her. No need to apologize.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> She was toying with you.


I see what you did there!


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

She was giving you a clear signal she wanted you to have sex with her.

I would have hit it but as others have suggested it would have made things very awkward in the workplace, just not a good idea.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Amen!!!


Ahhh, but some women do...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> I see what you did there!


I don't regret it


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

I wouldn't worry about smoothing it out unless you're looking for a relationship. I had a co worker who was a terrible physical flirt, making endless innuendo, grabbing my knee and so on. I just went with the game.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Julie's Husband said:


> I wouldn't worry about smoothing it out unless you're looking for a relationship. I had a co worker who was a terrible physical flirt, making endless innuendo, grabbing my knee and so on. I just went with the game.


My husband does it to me all of the time and then gets mad when I expect him to go to the bedroom


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> My husband does it to me all of the time and then gets mad when I expect him to go to the bedroom


That lady and I never did get sexually involved. It was all about her being silly.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Chicks that invite guys over for 1 on 1 dinner for purposes of just 'friendship' are generally personality disordered attention seekers and not the type I'd personally want to get involved with.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

DamianDamian said:


> Chicks that invite guys over for 1 on 1 dinner for purposes of just 'friendship' are generally personality disordered attention seekers and not the type I'd personally want to get involved with.


I agree. I have learnt from this experience and am keeping her at arms length now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DamianDamian said:


> Chicks that invite guys over for 1 on 1 dinner for purposes of just 'friendship' are generally personality disordered attention seekers and not the type I'd personally want to get involved with.


Or they just want to get to know a guy better. Most common social interactions happen over dinner. So not always malicious intent.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

DamianDamian said:


> Chicks that invite guys over for 1 on 1 dinner for purposes of just 'friendship' are generally personality disordered attention seekers and not the type I'd personally want to get involved with.


Dunno. I've been married to one for almost 45 years. I don't know how many other men she invited over for dinner as a friend.

I recently asked her about that and shes said it was just on a friend basis. Some other conversation had led me to wonder whether I could have / should have made a move earlier in our relationship. In the end, she initiated. I just wasn't socially competent enough to navigate that.


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