# h is not interested in sex at all, what can i do?



## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

hi everyone, i'm a long time lurker and first time poster unfortunately :frown2:. i have a long story but thank you if you take the time to read it all :smile2:.

about 3 years ago my h and i were going through very rough times and had to move into my parents house due to me losing my job and he was not making much at all. we fought all the time about stupid trivial items and grew apart due to the stress and arguments. i was stupid and ended up talking to a friend at work that was a male and it eventually evolved into an ea. my husband would tell me all the time that he knew what the other guy was doing but i was dumb and didnt see it coming. i honestly just thought he was being a good friend. an example is that i was rear ended and needed a bumper and my friend drove a 500 mile round trip to pickup a bumper for me and didn't charge any gas money which was really sweet of him. my h told me that no man will do that for a woman unless he is trying to get into bed with her which i ignored. in short i grew feelings for this other man and we told each other that we had fallen for each other but couldnt do anything about it. he would ask me for my phone constantly and i would tell him no, yes because i was talking to the other man and didn't want my h to see the texts.

one night my h came home and we were arguing and he kept pressing about the other guy and i just broke down crying and told him i had feelings for the other man. it NEVER went physical all mind you. i told him i was sorry and to this day feel terrible. we spoke for a while and then went to bed, the next day he worked late and i was sleeping when he came home. he woke me up at 11pm going nuts because he had found texts on my phone between me and the other guy. At this point I felt violated that he invaded my privacy, and on top of that he said he had called my place of work and filed sexual harassment charges on the other man. i completely lost it at that point and told him he had put my job in jeopardy because of that and demanded that he called and cancel the harassment charges. he complied the next day and we continued on. i was stupid and continued to talk with the other man and was again caught. that was the last time i spoke with him though. my h demanded that i change jobs but i have applied elsewhere and cannot get a job so i am still at this place of work and see the other man every day but never talk to him. i told him that he needs to back off and i need to work on my marriage. i told my h that i needed to feel close to him again before we could be intimate but he would CONSTANTLY try to initiate sex regardless of what i needed to feel close again.

fast forward to today. my h has had no sex drive for the last 6 months at all. we are both in our late 20's and he blames it on work since he works ALOT and is usually working on weekends/after hours. i feel completely unattractive and undesirable because he will not have sex with me. we have had several talks about these issues and we always say we will change but it never happens. i told him i just want him to take me but he never does, he simply shows no sexual interest in me at all. we just spoke again last night and he told me he has zero desire for sex at all. i am very sexually frustrated and have no idea except divorce at this point. i cannot go the rest of my life without sex and feeling like this.

again, thanks for reading


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Could he be having a revenge affair?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Could he be having a revenge affair?


I thought about that but I know he isn't. He works way to much for something like that to happen.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> I thought about that but I know he isn't. * He works way to much* for something like that to happen.


Because affairs don't ever happen at work...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sorry to say, but after what you put your husband through, it is no surprise he's not interested. he is probably repulsed.
contrary to popular folklore, men have feelings, emotions and they are connected to their sex drive.

if you really love him, there is a lot of repair work to be done. if he still loves you it will come back in time.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll offer some fun but bad advice. Get a small rechargeable bluetooth speaker and hide it in your husband's favorite reclining chair. As he is watching TV, turn on some audio of people going at it. Not so loud that it is obvious, but just loud enough so that it feels like part of the "background noise" of the house. Sit next to him and pretend not to hear it. Wait for him to say something and say you hear nothing....

This will at least get him to thinking about sex!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

I've tried watching romantic movies with him and if there is anything sexual in the movie he gets irritated with it. It's really weird but he said that he spent so much time trying to shut down sexually from my previous rejection that he has just lost all interest in sex and also doesn't have time for it with work. I feel like these are just excuses to not be intimate. Hell he won't even consider it without condoms and we have none. The last 12 pack we purchased only had 2 used and the rest expired and were tossed! I think it has a better chance to be low testosterone than what I did honestly.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> I think it has a better chance to be low testosterone than what I did honestly.


you may be right, and that probably should be checked, just for his health. But I think you are wrong. He needs counseling about your affair and how to process it. it looks to me like his mind is not accepting the rug sweep that apparently happened and it shows with his low desire to you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

So the topic of sexuality is met with animosity in your home.

While this is not the usual advice I give, but going on gut instinct alone, there is probably a HUGE ARGUMENT lurking beneath the surface in your marriage. You are likely going to have to engage with him in an emotional battle of wits to start getting things back to normal. At the heart of this battle is his desire to hurt you through sexual rejection until you understand what he went through in a misguided attempt for you to accept him again. 

Perhaps you could defuse some of this by allowing him to reject your sexual advances and tell him how much it hurts, then tell him you realize you must have made him feel the same when he used to "CONSTANTLY try to initiate sex regardless of what [you] needed to feel close again."

Then if there is not a revelation from that, back off and give him a little time before suggesting counseling.

Badsanta


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> I've tried watching romantic movies with him and if there is anything sexual in the movie he gets irritated with it. It's really weird but he said that he spent so much time trying to shut down sexually from my previous rejection that he has just lost all interest in sex and also doesn't have time for it with work. I feel like these are just excuses to not be intimate. Hell he won't even consider it without condoms and we have none. The last 12 pack we purchased only had 2 used and the rest expired and were tossed! I think it has a better chance to be low testosterone than what I did honestly.


uhh.

You need massive MC now.

You have really stomped this guys feelings into the ground.

You also need to check yourself. 

Don't try to blame low T for your actions.Your actions are marriage ending. You actions are personality changing. Your actions are soul crushing.

You needed to feel close to your husband before you could be intimate with him - you used that excuse because you didn't want to cheat on your AP. Your husband knows this. He knows you chose another man. He knows he's a plan B.

He is telling you what is wrong - he will no longer open up to you because of the damage inflicted. He is now protecting himself. He is now walling up intimacy so you can't stab that heart again.

Have you even begun to try to fix the damage you did or did you rug sweep and basically tell him to get over it?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

So this started 3 years ago with your EA right? 

Things have gone unresolved for too long. His frustration to your cheating (yes, he sees it as adultery) is coming out sideways. He is punishing you with no sex because maybe he did loose his desire for you. I lost mine to my EX when I found out he was cheating. I never got it back.

Things are now worse because you both are now frustrated.

Do you have medical coverage that can help you guys pay for Counciling? You both need it if you want to save the marriage. 

A professional can help you figure out what to do with your lives.

Affairs are very damaging to relstionships. Yours may not recover from it. Hopefully it will if you can get him to go get help. 

Bibi


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I sympathize. I am in a sexless marriage and it stinks. So I feel your pain.

Still, let me tell you what this feels like from my side (male who constantly got rejected).

You made it clear to him that the ground rules of your marriage are "the person who wants sex has to jump through hoops to make their partner comfortable before sex will occur". Fine. You are entitled to make whatever ground rules you want in your marriage.

Now, after years of him being rejected and being told you had feelings for some other guy, you find that he is not in the mood and he wants YOU to jump through hoops before he will even consider having sex with you. And you find this soul crushing and confidence-destroying and awful. Which it is. No argument there.

But honey, you started it. And payback is the pits.

What you have to do now is serious hard work. You have to go to your husband and apologize. And tell him you no longer like the old ground rules. Tell him you want a marriage when neither of you makes the other jump through hoops. Tell him you want a marriage where each of you is making an effort to meet your spouse's needs even when you don't feel an emotional connection in that moment. Because making an effort to meet your partner's needs is what creates an emotional connection over time. And then you have to do the hardest part. You have to live it. You have to be there for your spouse even when you don't feel like it.

When you can't do that any longer, divorce. Don't make your spouse jump through hoops and deny them what is rightfully theirs as a spouse. Free yourself from the burden of meeting their needs (because you no longer feel like doing it). Set them free to find someone who is willing to meet their needs. And go look for someone who wants to meet yours.

Good luck. Wishing you both peace.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

We have went to marriage counseling and it did not go over well. BOTH counselors told him literally "do not talk to your wife about it, call me if you need to vent, but let it go since it's in the past." I even thought that was quite ****ty of them but it completely pissed my h off, and understandably so. I tell him that I just want him to love me and desire me. he says he does, but the lack of his initiation says otherwise. I just want to have that close intimate relation ship with him that I need from him. I mean for the love of god we are married and should have sex. He keeps saying he will get condoms but never does, it just seems like he is coming up with excuses to not be intimate. It's to the point where I won't even initiate because he has rejected me so much. I just find it hard to believe that this could be a result of my actions so long ago.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> I sympathize. I am in a sexless marriage and it stinks. So I feel your pain.
> 
> Still, let me tell you what this feels like from my side (male who constantly got rejected).
> 
> ...


Thank you for the help, it just seems he has NO needs to be met. I have asked him if he masturbates and he claims he doesn't which I find very hard to believe. I honestly feel like he just doesn't want to have sex with ME. We are great in every other aspect, we go out on dates, take walks, spend quality time together and get along great and are happy. It's just when we bring up sex he wants no part of it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

If you're still working at the same place as your affair partner three years later, I'd bet a dollar your husband is convinced you're still continuing the affair. Especially after he caught you twice. That's why he doesn't want to have sex with you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

So let me get this straight. 

You had an extended ea, which continued after you admitted it, he found out you were still lying about it, and finally broke it off. But only after getting bent out of shape that he violated your privacy - when really you were bent out of shape that you got caught. 

Then you started refusing sex on top of that, and so he stopped having sex with you and now you're bent out of shape at that. All while you still work with the other man - I do not buy that you have really looked for another job. Nor do I buy that you ignore the other man. And I suspect your husband feels the same. 

Look in he mirror, lady. This ones on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

marduk said:


> So let me get this straight.
> 
> You had an extended ea, which continued after you admitted it, he found out you were still lying about it, and finally broke it off. But only after getting bent out of shape that he violated your privacy - when really you were bent out of shape that you got caught.
> 
> ...


Whether you buy it or not doesn't matter to me. I know the truth and i don't talk to the other guy anymore. My h has all of my passwords to everything I have and I blocked the other guy on facebook as well.

Also to the one that said men's emotions are tied to sex.... I find that hard to believe since there are TONS of single men in the world doing just fine without sex. Guys typically want only 1 thing and us ladies know what that is, and it's not for emotional reasons....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> Whether you buy it or not doesn't matter to me. I know the truth and i don't talk to the other guy anymore. My h has all of my passwords to everything I have and I blocked the other guy on facebook as well.
> 
> *Also to the one that said men's emotions are tied to sex.... I find that hard to believe since there are TONS of single men in the world doing just fine without sex. Guys typically want only 1 thing and us ladies know what that is, and it's not for emotional reasons....*


Here's your problem right here.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> Whether you buy it or not doesn't matter to me. I know the truth and i don't talk to the other guy anymore. My h has all of my passwords to everything I have and I blocked the other guy on facebook as well.
> 
> Also to the one that said men's emotions are tied to sex.... I find that hard to believe since there are TONS of single men in the world doing just fine without sex. Guys typically want only 1 thing and us ladies know what that is, and it's not for emotional reasons....


I have no problem understanding why your husband is not interested in having sex with someone who has that opinion.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedone84 said:


> Whether you buy it or not doesn't matter to me. I know the truth and i don't talk to the other guy anymore. My h has all of my passwords to everything I have and I blocked the other guy on facebook as well.
> 
> Also to the one that said men's emotions are tied to sex.... I find that hard to believe since there are TONS of single men in the world doing just fine without sex. Guys typically want only 1 thing and us ladies know what that is, and it's not for emotional reasons....


If you had done this to me, I would have thought about leaving you. I went through this -- I was in your husband's spot. This resulted for us with MC and tons of bonding sex.

If my wife had said no to the bonding sex, I would have emotionally disconnected.

If my wife had continued to see the man every day while claiming to ignore him, I would have left. And staying would mean that I basically go off and do my own thing, realizing that my wife had zero respect for me or our marriage, and stay in name only.

And I suspect that's where he's at.

As I said, expecting any different from him is not rational.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your actions affected the way he perceives you. He is no longer triggering the same levels of affection, lust, and romance as he once did. He has erected up a barrier and it sounds like he is protecting himself from you. He has not worked through his emotions and those powerful emotional memories are highly ingrained into him. Thoughts about you are not the same as they were before. There is a mental danger sign in his head when it comes to you.

I am not attacking you, but I am fairly certain that it is the case.

Lets say your husband slept with your best friend. How you see the both of them will be significantly skewed. You think your friend as a backstabber, and your husband no better, possibly worse. If you have ever felt powerful emotions, or when you stop talking to someone who has wronged you, your perception of them is different and the emotions are negative towards them.

We are more highly affected by negative circumstances than positive ones. It is beneficial in survival. If you punch a child but aare otherwise kind and nurturing, it will be outweighed by the abuse.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

A 3-year EA that never went physical? If I had to guess, I'd bet that your husband doesn't believe that, and _especially_ since you're still working w/ the guy.

Hell, I don't believe it.



confusedone84 said:


> Also to the one that said men's emotions are tied to sex.... I find that hard to believe since there are TONS of single men in the world doing just fine without sex. Guys typically want only 1 thing and us ladies know what that is, and it's not for emotional reasons....


LOL. You are so amazingly wrong. Sex w/ random women and sex w/ our wives are two COMPLETELY different things to most guys.

And besides, not all guys are into emotionless, meaningless sex w/ random women; your husband may be one such guy.

Anyway, you get caught in an affair, go nuts once your husband's (rather weak) attempt at exposure comes to light, shut off the sex, continue talking w/ this other guy, get discovered yet again, and STILL there's no sex? And NOW -- months later -- you're left wondering why your husband doesn't want to have sex w/ you?

That's like shutting off the water to a garden and then wondering why all your plants are dying.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> If you had done this to me, I would have thought about leaving you. I went through this -- I was in your husband's spot. This resulted for us with MC and tons of bonding sex.
> 
> If my wife had said no to the bonding sex, I would have emotionally disconnected.
> 
> ...


Ditto.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> Whether you buy it or not doesn't matter to me. I know the truth and i don't talk to the other guy anymore. My h has all of my passwords to everything I have and I blocked the other guy on facebook as well.
> 
> *Also to the one that said men's emotions are tied to sex.... I find that hard to believe since there are TONS of single men in the world doing just fine without sex. Guys typically want only 1 thing and us ladies know what that is, and it's not for emotional reasons*....


I don't normally echo what others have already said, but holding to this absolutely false stereotype will only make recovery from this more difficult, possibly to the point of impossibility.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

marduk said:


> If you had done this to me, I would have thought about leaving you. I went through this -- I was in your husband's spot. This resulted for us with MC and tons of bonding sex.
> 
> If my wife had said no to the bonding sex, I would have emotionally disconnected.
> 
> ...


look, i appreciate the comments thus far but it's not about what i did. i've been through that with my h and just want out sex life back. just last night when he got home i was trying to seduce him and he wanted no part of it. he said he had a long day (which he did "3 hours in the car and already worked 60 hours as of yesterday) and just wanted to shower and go to bed. i asked him how much longer this will keep going on for and he will keep rejecting me. he actually said he just doesn't have time for it and doesn't see that it's needed since we have went so long without it. i just think i need to either accept i will never be intimate with him again. i love him with all of my heart and won't leave, so if that's the case so be it. it just hurts is all.

i agree that it just seems like he has completely disconnected from me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> look, i appreciate the comments thus far but it's not about what i did.


It is for your husband.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> A 3-year EA that never went physical? If I had to guess, I'd bet that your husband doesn't believe that, and _especially_ since you're still working w/ the guy.
> 
> Hell, I don't believe it.
> 
> ...


the ea only happened for about 5 months but was 3 years ago.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> the ea only happened for about 5 months but was 3 years ago.


But you're still working w/ the guy, right?

3 years and you can't get another job...?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> Whether you buy it or not doesn't matter to me. I know the truth and i don't talk to the other guy anymore. My h has all of my passwords to everything I have and I blocked the other guy on facebook as well.
> 
> Also to the one that said men's emotions are tied to sex.... I find that hard to believe since there are TONS of single men in the world doing just fine without sex. Guys typically want only 1 thing and us ladies know what that is, and it's not for emotional reasons....


Well then. You know best and need no help. If only your husband would just fit your idea of what he should do, you would both be much better off...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My ex wife emotionally wounded me very deeply, and the final four years of our 17 year marriage were entirely sexless. Oh she tried...pulled out all the stops, and was smoking hot by all objective standards...blonde hair, 5'3", 110 lbs, tight yoga body, and yet I was repulsed by her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedone84 said:


> look, i appreciate the comments thus far but it's not about what i did. i've been through that with my h and just want out sex life back. just last night when he got home i was trying to seduce him and he wanted no part of it. he said he had a long day (which he did "3 hours in the car and already worked 60 hours as of yesterday) and just wanted to shower and go to bed. i asked him how much longer this will keep going on for and he will keep rejecting me. he actually said he just doesn't have time for it and doesn't see that it's needed since we have went so long without it. i just think i need to either accept i will never be intimate with him again. i love him with all of my heart and won't leave, so if that's the case so be it. it just hurts is all.
> 
> i agree that it just seems like he has completely disconnected from me.


So you agree that he's disconnected but won't listen to why.

Have you actually taken any accountability in this situation? If so, how have you shown him that?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> look, i appreciate the comments thus far but it's not about what i did. i've been through that with my h and just want out sex life back. just last night when he got home i was trying to seduce him and he wanted no part of it. he said he had a long day (which he did "3 hours in the car and already worked 60 hours as of yesterday) and just wanted to shower and go to bed. i asked him how much longer this will keep going on for and he will keep rejecting me. he actually said he just doesn't have time for it and doesn't see that it's needed since we have went so long without it. i just think i need to either accept i will never be intimate with him again. i love him with all of my heart and won't leave, so if that's the case so be it. it just hurts is all.
> 
> i agree that it just seems like he has completely disconnected from me.


When you are ready to listen, you will be able to start to fix this. But it requires acknowledgement that your actions led to this. Until then, it will not change.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> A 3-year EA that never went physical? If I had to guess, I'd bet that your husband doesn't believe that, and _especially_ since you're still working w/ the guy.
> 
> Hell, I don't believe it.
> 
> ...





marduk said:


> So you agree that he's disconnected but won't listen to why.
> 
> Have you actually taken any accountability in this situation? If so, how have you shown him that?


I guess that is the only way that we ended up here because of my actions. Again I DO NOT converse with the othe rman at work. I look for jobs, then after nothing turning up I stop for a while because it gets very discouraging. I feel I'm not good enough for a better job, and feel like I'm a terrible wife. I feel fat, unattractive, unsexy, and just like a slob because he does not want to have sex with me. i just want to be desired. i have talked with him on MANY occasions about how he feels or what he thought went on and after we talk about it he feels better and usually wants to have sex but at that point i am in no mood because talking about it depresses the hell out of me and sex is just not on the agenda.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> look, i appreciate the comments thus far but it's not about what i did.


Yes it is about what you did. Just because you think he got over it, or should have, doesn't mean he has. I can't believe that any Marriage Counselor would agree that you denying him sex after you were the one who caused such hurt is a way to fix things. He may have gotten over your EA but then you rejected him sexually because it's all about you. Your whole post is all about you & your needs. What about him & his needs? I think you need to spend less time thinking about yourself & more time trying to think about him. You need to become the best wife you can be. That's the only way to win back his affection.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> I guess that is the only way that we ended up here because of my actions. Again I DO NOT converse with the othe rman at work. I look for jobs, then after nothing turning up I stop for a while because it gets very discouraging. I feel I'm not good enough for a better job, and feel like I'm a terrible wife. I feel fat, unattractive, unsexy, and just like a slob because he does not want to have sex with me. i just want to be desired. i have talked with him on MANY occasions about how he feels or what he thought went on *and after we talk about it he feels better and usually wants to have sex* but at that point i am in no mood because talking about it depresses the hell out of me and sex is just not on the agenda.


But you still think his current state of not wanting to have sex has nothing to do with your affair?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedone84 said:


> I guess that is the only way that we ended up here because of my actions. Again I DO NOT converse with the othe rman at work. I look for jobs, then after nothing turning up I stop for a while because it gets very discouraging. I feel I'm not good enough for a better job, and feel like I'm a terrible wife. I feel fat, unattractive, unsexy, and just like a slob because he does not want to have sex with me. i just want to be desired. i have talked with him on MANY occasions about how he feels or what he thought went on and after we talk about it he feels better and usually wants to have sex but at that point i am in no mood because talking about it depresses the hell out of me and sex is just not on the agenda.


Listen.

As respectfully as I can muster.

All I hear in my head when I read what you write is "ME ME ME ME ME ME I WANT I WANT ME ME ME"

You did this. You did this to him, and you did this to your marriage. It wasn't a mistake. It wasn't a one time thing. It was repeated, it was deceptive, it was disrespectful - which makes it intentional.

And then you compounded it by pulling sex off the table, and then compound it every day you walk into your job.

It gets better when you talk about it. So talk about it, then. 

And quit your job.

And put sex back on the table. As an _offer_, not as a _demand._ You no longer are in a position to demand anything.

If you want this, then you need to spend your time in his shoes, not navel gazing about poor you.

And I suspect this is the root of the problem, and the root of your EA.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> i have talked with him on MANY occasions about how he feels or what he thought went on and *after we talk about it he feels better and usually wants to have sex* but at that point i am in no mood because talking about it depresses the hell out of me and sex is just not on the agenda.


You have a perfect opportunity to improve things. When that happens you must have sex with him, with the best attitude you can muster!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> I guess that is the only way that we ended up here because of my actions. Again I DO NOT converse with the othe rman at work. I look for jobs, then after nothing turning up I stop for a while because it gets very discouraging. I feel I'm not good enough for a better job, and feel like I'm a terrible wife. I feel fat, unattractive, unsexy, and just like a slob because he does not want to have sex with me. i just want to be desired. i have talked with him on MANY occasions about how he feels or what he thought went on and after we talk about it he feels better and usually wants to have sex but at that point i am in no mood because talking about it depresses the hell out of me and sex is just not on the agenda.


All these things about yourself are likely what contributed to your EA. Then, the EA led to your husband rejecting you. Can't you see how that problem with self esteem has been the catalyst for this entire debacle?


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## CrazyX2 (Feb 26, 2014)

[regarding marduk's post]

^^^^THIS. All day. Every day. And a bag of chips.

You did this. And your callous, entitled attitude is heartbreaking.

You can't just be all "hey look I stopped talking to the guy so we're fixed now!" and expect him to be be all "okie dokie." Or hound him about getting over it so he can **** you. Here's a shocker: men are human beings.

It *is* about the EA and what you put him through, AND it's about what you are still putting him through. Sex and letting things go do not equal a "fixed marriage." You haven't worked to build back what you destroyed. You haven't been meeting your husband's emotional needs. Instead, you have been demanding that he meet yours- ridiculous.

Stop thinking about yourself and what you can get out of him. You are just trying to get blood out of a stone. Stop draining him and start thinking about HIM and HIS NEEDS. Start every morning by asking him "what can I do for you today?" Over time he will (hopefully) feel safe around you again.

I had a disastrous first marriage. I did the same things you are doing now, and I am appalled and ashamed when I recall what I was like. This is a warning from the future. Heed it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> *i just want to be desired*. i have talked with him on MANY occasions about how he feels or what he thought went on and after we talk about it *he feels better and usually wants to have sex* but at that point i am in no mood because talking about it depresses the hell out of me and sex is just not on the agenda.


So *HE IS INTERESTED* in having sex with you. 

People here could probably help more if your thread was titled, "H is not interested in sex at all *when I want him to want me*, what can I do?"

My advice is to accept that things will likely have to be give and take between the two of you until you can learn to share the moment. You are going to have to give it to him when he wants it, and you are going to have to take it when you want him to want it. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

I do try to be a good wife and do pretty much everything he asks. hell he hired a house maid since he doesn't have time to clean the house and i'm to tired at the end of the day to do it myself. i do the laundry, clean IN BETWEEN maid visits, basic up keep, and laundry. every time he asks me to do something i do it without question. he doesn't even take out the trash except once in a while. again he works 70-90 hours per week, alot of nights, and alot of weekends so he doesn't have the time to do house chores which is all fine and dandy but i feel that his job may be getting in the way of us. i mean he has said he doesnt have time for sex because of work.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> I do try to be a good wife and do pretty much everything he asks. hell he hired a house maid since he doesn't have time to clean the house and i'm to tired at the end of the day to do it myself. i do the laundry, clean IN BETWEEN maid visits, basic up keep, and laundry. every time he asks me to do something i do it without question. he doesn't even take out the trash except once in a while. again he works 70-90 hours per week, alot of nights, and alot of weekends so he doesn't have the time to do house chores which is all fine and dandy but i feel that his job may be getting in the way of us. i mean he has said he doesnt have time for sex because of work.


How many hours a week do you work?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> I do try to be a good wife and do pretty much everything he asks. every time he asks me to do something i do it without question.


Except have sex with him when he asks for it, because you aren't in the mood. Still. Even after the years of rejecting him and the EA and continuing to work with the OM. When your H wants to have sex you turn him down. And you don't understand why he turns you down when you ask? Really?

You can't in one post say "we talk about my affair and my H feels better about our relationship and that puts him in the mood for sex, but I usually turn him down because talking about the affair kills my mood" and then in your latest post say "I do everything he asks without question" and have both be true. I think it is true that talking about the affair kills your buzz and so you turn your H down for sex. Which leads me to believe it is NOT true that you do everything your H asks without question.

Not saying you are wrong to turn him down. You are free to do whatever you want. But don't turn him down and then get all huffy when he turns you down. Or come here and claim you do whatever he wants whenever he asks when you don't.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Look at it this way. You got feelings for another guy and shut off sex with your husband. Now, the only time you don't want sex with your H is after talking about this other guy. I wonder if your H just might think that when you talk about this other guy your feelings are stirred and you still want the other guy? Maybe?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Confusedone84 - I'm sorry to say but you sound immature and selfish. You have been given a lot of good feedback about what your husband has been through. 

Your #1 job is to listen and meet his needs if you want to have a strong marriage. You need to put aside all of your needs - completely - to do this.

Normally this would be bad advice, but in your case you seem to lack real empathy for your husband. Maybe you are letting resentment get in the way or maybe it is selfishness. But doesn't matter the reason though.

If you truly and completely put aside your needs in the relationship you may start to see his needs. You've said you don't know what they are but so many here seem to see what you don't see.

So plan to put your needs aside for 4-6 months and just be there in any and all ways. Hopefully after a while what we see will start to be visible to you.

I'm afraid if you are unwilling to do this your marriage may not survive.

Btw it's possible your H is just a big baby or there is more to the story. That doesn't matter now though until you are there for him long enough - without any demands or needs - for him to feel save enough to think about opening his heart. If that happens then you will have something you two can work on.

To clarify - yes if he wants sex even on a strange and weird way - maybe even to test you - do it joyfully (fake it if you have to). He won't expect this based on what you've said so these actions are better than 1,000 words


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Confusedone84 - I'm sorry to say but you sound immature and selfish. You have been given a lot of good feedback about what your husband has been through.
> 
> Your #1 job is to listen and meet his needs if you want to have a strong marriage. You need to put aside all of your needs - completely - to do this.
> 
> ...


I don't turn him down except just after talking about the past events. Just because I'm married does that mean I can never turn him down for sex? What if I'm sick? I would gladly go home and **** his brains how tonight but he will not partake as he will be to tired, or some other excuse.

I work about 40 hours per week give or take.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Quick question...

You mentioned that you've been lurking here for a while; what kind of responses to your initial post were you expecting to receive?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Quick question...
> 
> You mentioned that you've been lurking here for a while; what kind of responses to your initial post were you expecting to receive?


Well I wasn't expecting to be criticized like I have been....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> So let me get this straight.
> 
> You had an extended ea, which continued after you admitted it, he found out you were still lying about it, and finally broke it off. But only after getting bent out of shape that he violated your privacy - when really you were bent out of shape that you got caught.
> 
> ...



OMG Marduk I was going to say the EXACT same thing, word for word beginning with "so let me get this straight..."

OP, your H has no sex drive for you because he has been rejected in the two most damaging ways a man can be rejected. When his wife falls for someone else, that's huge and damaging and it lasts for a while. Then you rejected his initiation attempts during reconciliation. You essentially told him you emotionally and physically reject him but like him enough to hang out.

Sweet heart, you really have done some damage to your husband.

How can you assure him you love him, desire him, want him and will always be faithful to him? What do you think you can do?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> OMG Marduk I was going to say the EXACT same thing, word for word beginning with "so let me get this straight..."
> 
> OP, your H has no sex drive for you because he has been rejected in the two most damaging ways a man can be rejected. When his wife falls for someone else, that's huge and damaging and it lasts for a while. Then you rejected his initiation attempts during reconciliation. You essentially told him you emotionally and physically reject him but like him enough to hang out.
> 
> ...


At this point I'm unsure. It seems everyone is saying to have sex with him but when I try to he doesn't want it. I feel that he is grossed out by my body, so I feel unattractive and unsexy.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> he works 70-90 hours per week, alot of nights, and alot of weekends so he doesn't have the time to do house chores which is all fine and dandy but i feel that his job may be getting in the way of us.


Seems you can't see the forest cause the trees are in the way.

The job isn't getting in the way of the marriage.

The job is to protect him from you hurting him



confusedone84 said:


> At this point I'm unsure. It seems everyone is saying to have sex with him but when I try to he doesn't want it. I feel that he is grossed out by my body, so I feel unattractive and unsexy.


No.

You are missing the point. It's not just about being a willing sex partner at his beck and call.

Like I asked before, what have you done to repair the marriage? What have you done to help him heal? What have you done to make him feel safe?

Also, those feelings are yours. Unless he has said those direct things to you, they are in your head. Don't put those on him. You've already put enough on him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> At this point I'm unsure. It seems everyone is saying to have sex with him but when I try to he doesn't want it. I feel that he is grossed out by my body, so I feel unattractive and unsexy.



I imagine his rejection has made you feel that way. It does indeed hurt.

I think what you're missing is that your EA and subsequent denying sex is not over and done for him. I think what you should be doing is apologizing, yes I know you already have. You should be telling him things like this:

I know I really hurt you and killed your trust, how do you feel now? Are there things I could do to help you feel more confident in my faithfulness? (And then you DO what he asks and that includes not working at the same place your AP works.)

You work so long to support us, how can I best support you here at home? 

Do you feel as appreciated by me as you think you ought to? Are there ways I can show my appreciation more fully, more often? How can I best ensure that you feel appreciated for your long hours at work to support us?

I was wrong to deny you sex after my affair. I now understand that your need for sex during that time wasn't about getting your rocks off but about bonding more fully with me after I had broken our bond. All I can say is I really regret it and that I didn't know how I was hurting you. I promise from here on out I will not ever deny you sex. If I am unable to have intercourse, I will ensure you are satisfied in other ways. (Confused, understand that it will take him some time to feel good about initiating sex with you and that you've got some making up to do so make good on that promise to not deny him...okay?)

Confused, I want you to go read some threads in Coping with Infidelity. Find threads with a husband who is dealing with an unfaithful wife. Read those threads and hear the pain and heartbreak those men are dealing with. Look at the dates and recognize how LONG it takes to get over this betrayal. Secondly, as you read those threads, look for ways those men are saying a wife should show remorse. Ask yourself if you have done those things, done them enough.

Your marriage is on the line here and your poor husband is sinking himself into work because he has no idea how to solve this issue. 

Send him here to TAM where he can talk about his feelings and get support. It will help.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

marduk said:


> So you agree that he's disconnected but won't listen to why.
> 
> Have you actually taken any accountability in this situation? If so, how have you shown him that?


I guess that is the only way that we ended up here because of my actions. Again I DO NOT converse with the othe rman at work. I look for jobs, then after nothing turning up I stop for a while because it gets very discouraging. I feel I'm not good enough for a better job, and feel like I'm a terrible wife. I feel fat, unattractive, unsexy, and just like a slob because he does not want to have sex with me. i just want to be desired. i have talked with him on MANY occasions about how he feels or what he thought went on and after we talk about it he feels better and usually wants to have sex but at that point i am in no mood because talking about it depresses the hell out of me and sex is just not on the agenda.[/QUOTE]


What the Hell!!!! You are still FVCKING him over. You talk and he wants to have sex. He's trying to climb out of this well you threw him down..and when he reaches the top you hit him up side the head by rejecting him AGAIN! So he falls back down the well.

He probable has some issue with ED with all the **** you put him through. The resentment I had for my wife, sex life and her attitude started causing ED issues. I got at times where I was emotionally numb and totally unattracted to her I could not get or maintain an erection. And at times could go 1.5 hr and not be able to climax. 

His sex drive is sputtering and about to stop from the abuse you are doing to him.

If you still have any love for him(highly doubtful in his eyes) HE RESENTS THE HELL OUT OF YOU I GUARANTEE. YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM ANY TIME HE INITIATES(EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE MOOD)AND ACT LIKE YOU ARE GREATFUL! or this marriage is done.


You were having an affair with the coworker. And you still work with him. Do you seriously believe you husband believes you and that you can be trusted to not carry on with this man. Your behavior needs to change...you minimize your affair. If my wife had of done this I would have pulled the plug long ago.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Look, I'll still help you. If you can't get him to have sex, stop arguing about sex and make it a point to exercise together so that the two of you both improve your physical health.

*For him: TUG TONER*












*For you: SHAKE WEIGHT*











Scientists really do not understand why, but for some reason couples that exercise together often have much more active sex lives!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> At this point I'm unsure. It seems everyone is saying to have sex with him but when I try to he doesn't want it. I feel that he is grossed out by my body, so I feel unattractive and unsexy.


Come on, this isn't rocket science. There's at least one thing that you can do that is almost *certain* (95%+ probability) to improve things.

Ready? Here it is:

Any time that he wants to have sex with you, you should have sex with him even if you don't feel like it right then.

Or you can kiss your marriage goodbye.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

technovelist said:


> Come on, this isn't rocket science. There's at least one thing that you can do that is almost *certain* (95%+ probability) to improve things.
> 
> Ready? Here it is:
> 
> ...




Even though I said almost the exact same thing, why does this feel...almost threatening ... coming from a man?

Maybe it's because when I say it a woman telling another woman to go have sex with her husband, there can be no projection at all. But when a man says it, it feels likes its too personal a demand. That's it! It sounds demanding coming from you but sounds motherly (wizened kinky mother) coming from me.

Interesting.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Even though I said almost the exact same thing, why does this feel...almost threatening ... coming from a man?
> 
> Maybe it's because when I say it a woman telling another woman to go have sex with her husband, there can be no projection at all. But when a man says it, it feels likes its too personal a demand. That's it! It sounds demanding coming from you but sounds motherly (wizened kinky mother) coming from me.
> 
> Interesting.


Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

As to why I posted my comment in the first place, she said the following:

1. She wanted to know what she could do to save her marriage;
2. She was upset that he didn't want to have sex with her;
3. After they talked about her behavior, then he felt better and wanted to have sex with her;
4. Then she wouldn't do it.

So I thought it was obvious what she should do.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wow. Just wow. Me me me me me me me

In your response to my post you say you shouldn't have to have sex if you're sick.

WTH? why are you arguing such fooling points? Why are you so actively resisting TAKING RESPONSIBILITY?

You sound like a terribly spoiled little girl! This is a marriage! We're not scolding you for not taking out the garbage!

Step up of lose your marriage! Listen and stop defending your defenseless actions!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedone84 said:


> Well I wasn't expecting to be criticized like I have been....


Did you come here to feel good or improve?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> At this point I'm unsure. It seems everyone is saying to have sex with him but when I try to he doesn't want it. I feel that he is grossed out by my body, so I feel unattractive and unsexy.


Step one is go back to your earlier post about men only wanting one thing and it not being tied to emotions etc... Think long and hard on this, and then realize that it's stereotypical bullsh!t.

Step two is to now realize that your husband DOES have an emotional component with sex. Any man in a healthy marriage has that as a component with his wife.

Step three is to realize that your husband never healed from the EA. He may have "gotten over it", but that's not the same thing at all. You said that he didn't get anything out of the counseling, and I don't get the sense that you ever did the heavy lifting to get the marriage back on track. He may have adapted and made peace with his situation, but that's not the same thing as restoring trust and repairing the bond.

Now--Step four. Draw the line between the first three steps and connect it to your current situation. Your feelings that your husband doesn't want to have sex with you because you're fat or ugly or whatever are simply your own delusions.



As far as your husband's work load--yes, it's excessive and not helping matters. And guess what a lot of guys do when faced with an unhappy home life? They throw themselves into work. They put in long hours because it's easier than going home and facing that unhappiness.

You don't need to get your sex life back on track. You need to get your marriage back on track. You do this not by dressing sexy and trying to entice him. That comes later. First you have to put a bandage on that gaping wound, and you do that by accepting full accountability for what's happened and consistently telling & showing him that you're sorry and are willing to do the heavy lifting necessary to get through it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Well I wasn't expecting to be criticized like I have been....


90% of the time, the people who are most successful at repairing their marriages are the people who are able to accept criticism and act on it. Even sometimes when you feel it isn't deserved--sometimes the best medicine tastes bad.

Nobody here is perfect, but the only way to overcome a problem is to start with yourself first.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

I've never liked anything except regular intercourse. i'm very self conscious about oral sex being performed on me and honestly never got anything from performing it on my h or my previous boyfriend (my h is my second relationship ever).

my h came home from work and looked exhausted. i asked him how his day was and he seemed pretty happy then said he was promoted. I said oh that's good! he said he wanted to go lay down and rest for a bit then would take shower. I told him "maybe i could join you if you have any energy left for me". he just kind of smiled an said he wasn't in the mood because he's tired and just wants to relax. i asked him what he wanted and if he was happy with me. he just rolled his eyes and said he didn't want to deal with that crap and start his weekend like that. it was just another argument while i was trying to come onto him. i asked if he even loves me and he said that he loves me and we dont need to have sex just to prove i love him and that there are plenty of people in sexless marriages. i'm at my wits end with this and can't deal with this much longer. i have made him dinner, many times, but not all the time because i dont have time with work and taking care of my disabled parents. he doesn't have to do a thing around the house, all he does when he is home is work on his cars, or does some training for work.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So... I guess my carefully worded script was a waste of time.

Confused, you haven't really absorbed any advice. He doesn't want to get close to you because he has detached and is protecting himself. 

The burden is on you to bring up the dialogue in a safe way. A safe way so that dialogue can happen.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> I've tried watching romantic movies with him and if there is anything sexual in the movie he gets irritated with it. It's really weird but he said that he spent so much time trying to shut down sexually from my previous rejection that he has just lost all interest in sex and also doesn't have time for it with work. I feel like these are just excuses to not be intimate. Hell he won't even consider it without condoms and we have none. The last 12 pack we purchased only had 2 used and the rest expired and were tossed! I think it has a better chance to be low testosterone than what I did honestly.


You blew it. You cant put your husband through hell, reject him when ever you want, then get mad when he is doing the same to you. He learned it from you. It makes you a hypocrite. What you feel is what you put him through while lying to him and speaking to the other guy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> I've never liked anything except regular intercourse. i'm very self conscious about oral sex being performed on me and honestly never got anything from performing it on my h or my previous boyfriend (my h is my second relationship ever).
> 
> my h came home from work and looked exhausted. i asked him how his day was and he seemed pretty happy then said he was promoted. I said oh that's good! he said he wanted to go lay down and rest for a bit then would take shower. I told him "maybe i could join you if you have any energy left for me". he just kind of smiled an said he wasn't in the mood because he's tired and just wants to relax. i asked him what he wanted and if he was happy with me. he just rolled his eyes and said he didn't want to deal with that crap and start his weekend like that. it was just another argument while i was trying to come onto him. i asked if he even loves me and he said that he loves me and we dont need to have sex just to prove i love him and that there are plenty of people in sexless marriages. i'm at my wits end with this and can't deal with this much longer. i have made him dinner, many times, but not all the time because i dont have time with work and taking care of my disabled parents. he doesn't have to do a thing around the house, all he does when he is home is work on his cars, or does some training for work.


Sounds to me like his resentments and fears may actually be sub conscious.

he not not even understand himself why his sex drive is lacking.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> I've never liked anything except regular intercourse. i'm very self conscious about oral sex being performed on me and honestly never got anything from performing it on my h or my previous boyfriend (my h is my second relationship ever).
> 
> my h came home from work and looked exhausted. i asked him how his day was and he seemed pretty happy then said he was promoted. I said oh that's good! he said he wanted to go lay down and rest for a bit then would take shower. I told him "maybe i could join you if you have any energy left for me". he just kind of smiled an said he wasn't in the mood because he's tired and just wants to relax. i asked him what he wanted and if he was happy with me. he just rolled his eyes and said he didn't want to deal with that crap and start his weekend like that. it was just another argument while i was trying to come onto him. i asked if he even loves me and he said that he loves me and we dont need to have sex just to prove i love him and that there are plenty of people in sexless marriages. i'm at my wits end with this and can't deal with this much longer. i have made him dinner, many times, but not all the time because i dont have time with work and taking care of my disabled parents. he doesn't have to do a thing around the house, all he does when he is home is work on his cars, or does some training for work.


You start off by saying you don't like oral sex and performing it never gave you anything.....its not supposed to give YOU anything. It is a gift you are giving because you love him.... So selfish.... All we hear about is what you want, do you ever do anything he wants? Expecting nothing in return? Seems doubtful. 

When you have sex, does he do all the work? Is it missionary only? 

You want to revive his sex drive, do something He likes. If he likes BJ's, give him one. When he's relaxing, walk up, pull it out, such him and walk away. Expect nothing in return. If he still has feelings for you, it will surprise the hell out of him. If not, he'll push you away. 

The damage you caused may be unrepairable


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

At first I thought he might just have ED, OP, and has not wanted to face up to it. But you said he has been willing (and, I am assuming, able) to have sex after you two have talked about the EA, so you know one way to get him open to it.



Anon Pink said:


> He doesn't want to get close to you because he has detached and is protecting himself.
> 
> *The burden is on you to bring up the dialogue in a safe way. A safe way so that dialogue can happen*.


I think AP's quote above is true for the leader in any relationship. He or she has to, at least initially, put his or her feelings and resentments, however justified, aside and concentrate on making the follower feel safe to share from their heart. 

I do think eventually the follower has to be willing to hear what they have done wrong, too. But at first the leader likely has to bear the whole burden, if they want to get reconciliation going.

Are you willing to get reconciliation going?

If you are not, if it is too painful to talk about the past, I think you should just divorce. You have said you do not want to, but I would advise revisiting that objection. You are young and have no children. This would be an easier time to start over than waiting until later. 

Just out of curiosity, how do the talks about the past go? Is it mostly his telling you how much you hurt him by talking without his permission to the other man? Do you mostly just apologize over and over?

Has he ever asked what he could have done differently that might have influenced your turning to the other man? Has your husband ever apologized to you for any role he may have played in the start up or continuation of the affair? In other words, did he not make it safe for you to go to him, either?

I think his being willing to meet you halfway would go a long ways towards making reconciliation possible for both of you. But not everyone can do that. If he cannot, and you still want to stay married, then I would suggest assuming the emotional leadership role in the marriage. It has pretty much gone to you by default, anyway.

But more than anything, I would suggest you reconsider your unwillingness to divorce him. Why would you want to stay with someone who makes you feel so bad?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

jld said:


> At first I thought he might just have ED, OP, and has not wanted to face up to it. But you said he has been willing (and, I am assuming, able) to have sex after you two have talked about the EA, so you know one way to get him open to it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


thank you! finally someone who understands how I feel and what this is doing to me! when the past it brought up he tells me about how it made him feel and how hurt he still is about it. i feel horrible and usually start to cry because i feel terrible about what i did and don't want to hurt him because i love him with all of my heart.

there is no excuse for ever having any kind of affair, i realize that. the reason i ended up doing what i did was because i could not open up to my h, he would get made extremely easy, and just seemed to not care about me. i was dumb and started venting to this other guy at work and it just went from there. he seemed like a really good friend and i thought it was totally harmless which unfortunately it was not and i grew feelings for him. i told my h that we told each other we really liked each other and that i thought the other guy was hot and it devastated him. i totally shut down on my h when he filed that sexual harassment charge against him and went off the deep end because it just seemed so extreme and i was tired of dealing with his anger. i mean it just seemed a bit extreme to me that he would do that. he came home one night and said that he had filed sexual harassment charges against him and i went nuts because it was just so crazy to do and could have damaged my job too.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> I've never liked anything except regular intercourse. i'm very self conscious about oral sex being performed on me and honestly never got anything from performing it on my h or my previous boyfriend (my h is my second relationship ever).
> 
> Some women do some dont.....It's not about you getting anything from it. It's about pleasing him with this act. It's a selfless act.
> 
> ...


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Also for the one that asked, we do missionary, I'll be on top, or we do doggie. That's pretty much it. We might do some oral as foreplay but that's really all, I just never liked it. I know some women do and some don't, I just happen to be one that doesn't.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You need individual counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> thank you! finally someone who understands how I feel and what this is doing to me! when the past it brought up he tells me about how it made him feel and how hurt he still is about it. i feel horrible and usually start to cry because i feel terrible about what i did and don't want to hurt him because i love him with all of my heart.
> 
> there is no excuse for ever having any kind of affair, i realize that. the reason i ended up doing what i did was because i could not open up to my h, *he would get made extremely easy, and just seemed to not care about me. * i was dumb and started venting to this other guy at work and it just went from there. he seemed like a really good friend and i thought it was totally harmless which unfortunately it was not and i grew feelings for him. i told my h that we told each other we really liked each other and that i thought the other guy was hot and it devastated him. i totally shut down on my h when he filed that sexual harassment charge against him and went off the deep end because *it just seemed so extreme and i was tired of dealing with his anger. * i mean it just seemed a bit extreme to me that he would do that. he came home one night and said that he had filed sexual harassment charges against him and i went nuts because *it was just so crazy to do and could have damaged my job *too.


Totally understandable that you would feel unable to open up to him, with his anger issues. And I think he overreacted with filing those charges, too. I bet you felt disrespected and vulnerable. That surely did not make you feel safe with him.

Are you familiar with Esther Perel, confused? She is often referenced here on TAM. I would like to share a quote from a talk she did on infidelity:

PEREL:_ Every affair will redefine a relationship and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms.* There are many ways that we betray our partner - with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage.*_

Esther Perel: How Can Couples Rebuild Trust After An Affair? : NPR

I think you should seriously consider leaving this marriage. Tbh, I think you are in an abusive relationship with a vindictive, controlling man. Did the counselor you saw ever mention that?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> Also for the one that asked, we do missionary, I'll be on top, or we do doggie. That's pretty much it. We might do some oral as foreplay but that's really all, I just never liked it. I know some women do and some don't, I just happen to be one that doesn't.



So your sex is bad even when you have it. That sounds mind numbingly boring. 

And you're still cheating by definition until you go 100% no contact. Which is impossible while working with your boyfriend. You have to quit to have any chance. I'm surprised he hasn't dumped you. Probably because he needed your income. But now with the new promotion who knows...


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, you are young, you have no children. Do not waste your time.

The EA may not have been right, but it is not the end of the world. If your husband cannot cope with it, you should move on. He is not worthy of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

jld said:


> Totally understandable that you would feel unable to open up to him, with his anger issues. And I think he overreacted with filing those charges, too. I bet you felt disrespected and vulnerable. That surely did not make you feel safe with him.
> 
> Are you familiar with Esther Perelman, confused? She is often referenced here on TAM. I would like to share a quote from a talk she did on infidelity:
> 
> ...


i wish more people could see it from this point of view rather than the narrow minded views they all seem to have. i really want to work on my marriage with him. his anger issues are gone at this point after he went to individual counseling and we get along great to this point. the only time we have any issues at all is when sex comes up, that is all at this point. maybe you are right and he is just trying to control me through sex. i have asked him if he is trying to get back at me and he said no, he is just tired, wants to relax, or does not have time for sex. to me that sounds like to me like he just doesnt have time for me.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Duguesclin said:


> OP, you are young, you have no children. Do not waste your time.
> 
> The EA may not have been right, but it is not the end of the world. If your husband cannot cope with it, you should move on. He is not worthy of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the support :smile2:

i love him and do not want to leave. even if i were to leave i would have to move back into my parents house unless i could get the house and have him pay for it. i am not in a financial position to live on my own unfortunately...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yes he's not worthy! She's the absolute pinnacle of wifedom!


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, you need to think real hard about the future. Will your husband grow up?

Only you can answer that question.

Parents may be a better solution than a weak husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> i wish more people could see it from this point of view rather than the narrow minded views they all seem to have. i really want to work on my marriage with him. his anger issues are gone at this point after he went to individual counseling and we get along great to this point. the only time we have any issues at all is when sex comes up, that is all at this point. maybe you are right and he is just trying to control me through sex. i have asked him if he is trying to get back at me and he said no, he is just tired, wants to relax, or does not have time for sex. to me that sounds like to me like he just doesnt have time for me.


 I am sorry you have not gotten more support. 

I think you are a very nice person and I really want to see you treated better by your husband, or another man if your husband cannot change.

It is hard to know what exactly is going on with him. He could be subconsciously channeling any unresolved anger into his refusal for sex with you. That seems to make sense considering he can get into it after he has vented to you.

I could not tolerate what you are tolerating. He has not been a perfect spouse, either. I don't see how true reconciliation can happen without his owning his neglect of your needs, too.

It is completely normal to want a healthy sex life with your husband. Have you considered telling him you are simply not going to accept a sexless marriage? Do you think you might eventually get to that point?



ETA: Just saw your concern about finances. Would your parents be supportive of your coming home to regroup financially, and maybe look for a better job? 

My concern, confused, is that you are trapped with at best a weak, immature man, and at worst a narcissist. I just do not see things getting better.

You are young, honey. You deserve to be looking forward to a future with a kind, loving, understanding man, with children if you want. You should not be feeling shamed and rejected by a husband. It would break my heart to see my daughter suffer the treatment you have from your husband.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yes he's not worthy! She's the absolute pinnacle of wifedom!


If you are going to be like the others and just criticize me when I need help and support then I prefer you not post on my thread.

To the other 2 I greatly appreciate your concern and help. The thing is my family has no idea of what went on with the ea or trouble that we had since thankfully he didn't blab to them about our issues. They only saw us arguing ALOT but nothing more. I do not know if it will get to that point honestly. I hope it doesn't but at this point I am still unsure.

Now that I have some people that see things from my point of view I can honestly say I really do wish he would do more around the house. I mean I am EXTREMELY thankful that he works so hard to support us. I mean it is ridiculous that his work makes him work as much as they do (80 hours this week) but I still would like him to help around the house. I am not a maid but I am supposed to be his life partner and wife. I work too, and am tired at the end of my day because I have to go over and take care of my parents house since they are disabled. I often times don't get home until around 8pm and then have to clean up because he had just gotten home and wants to relax, well guess what? Same with me! I guess I just feel un-appreciated with all I do around the house. Granted he has gotten someone to take care of the lawn, and a maid, but I still am the only one that cooks, or cleans up in between maid visits with no help from him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Whether you buy it or not doesn't matter to me. I know the truth and i don't talk to the other guy anymore. My h has all of my passwords to everything I have and I blocked the other guy on facebook as well.
> 
> Also to the one that said men's emotions are tied to sex.... I find that hard to believe since there are TONS of single men in the world doing just fine without sex. Guys typically want only 1 thing and us ladies know what that is, and it's not for emotional reasons....


Then go find a single guy. You are woefully misinformed.

Many men are emotional when it comes to sex.

I can't have sex if there is unresolved strife or anger.

Marduk is spot on. Has it been three years since your affair?

Read up on infidelity. You need a different job or OM does. Working with your affair partner is certainly not helping you recover your marriage. Your husband does need to engage with you and have sex with you but you can't expect intimacy with him without repairing your damage. 

It is similar to taping his mouth shut and being upset that he isn't eating what you are cooking.

NC needs to happen and any other loose end concerning your affair.

You can't expect him to do his part when you are not doing yours.

You have done significant damage and continue by not going NC with OM to reestablish trust.

It is also a possibility that he is having a RA. I have seen it happen many times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

After reading your last post, I believe your marriage is doomed.

80 hours a week??!

I believe you are probably too young or naive to be married.

If you really want to work on this marriage then do what you can and get some counseling.

Do you really believe you are contributing more to your marriage than your husband?

Counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> If you are going to be like the others and just criticize me when I need help and support then I prefer you not post on my thread.
> 
> To the other 2 I greatly appreciate your concern and help. The thing is my family has no idea of what went on with the ea or trouble that we had since thankfully he didn't blab to them about our issues. They only saw us arguing ALOT but nothing more. I do not know if it will get to that point honestly. I hope it doesn't but at this point I am still unsure.
> 
> Now that I have some people that see things from my point of view I can honestly say I really do wish he would do more around the house. I mean I am EXTREMELY thankful that he works so hard to support us. I mean it is ridiculous that his work makes him work as much as they do (80 hours this week) but I still would like him to help around the house. I am not a maid but I am supposed to be his life partner and wife. I work too, and am tired at the end of my day because I have to go over and take care of my parents house since they are disabled. I often times don't get home until around 8pm and then have to clean up because he had just gotten home and wants to relax, well guess what? Same with me! I guess I just feel un-appreciated with all I do around the house. Granted he has gotten someone to take care of the lawn, and a maid, but I still am the only one that cooks, or cleans up in between maid visits with no help from him.


For the most part the criticism of you has been fair. There is a self centered aspect to your posts that really stands out.

I think you are doing yourself a disservice by thinking that there is nothing for you to fix on your own side of the street.

Focusing on those who tell you what you want to hear will give you exactly what you have now.

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP,
Why does your husband need to work so many hours?
Does he get over time pay at least?

Is he trying to run away from something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Duguesclin said:


> OP,
> Why does your husband need to work so many hours?
> Does he get over time pay at least?
> 
> ...


he is an Architect in the computer field and just took on another position with the promotion yesterday although I'm not sure what exactly it is or he will be doing differently.

Usually he is right in the 60-65 hours per week range, but the last few weeks has been 70-80 since he has been traveling out of the country, and all over this country. He is salary but makes around 160k i think. he just likes what he does is what he tells me and they have lost alot of people in the last year so all of the people have had to work more hours to make up for it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> If you are going to be like the others and just criticize me when I need help and support then I prefer you not post on my thread.
> 
> To the other 2 I greatly appreciate your concern and help. The thing is my family has no idea of what went on with the ea or trouble that we had since thankfully he didn't blab to them about our issues. They only saw us arguing ALOT but nothing more. I do not know if it will get to that point honestly. I hope it doesn't but at this point I am still unsure.
> 
> Now that I have some people that see things from my point of view I can honestly say I really do wish he would do more around the house. I mean I am EXTREMELY thankful that he works so hard to support us. I mean it is ridiculous that his work makes him work as much as they do (80 hours this week) but I still would like him to help around the house. I am not a maid but I am supposed to be his life partner and wife. I work too, and am tired at the end of my day because I have to go over and take care of my parents house since they are disabled. I often times don't get home until around 8pm and then have to clean up because he had just gotten home and wants to relax, well guess what? Same with me! I guess I just feel un-appreciated with all I do around the house. Granted he has gotten someone to take care of the lawn, and a maid, but I still am the only one that cooks, or cleans up in between maid visits with no help from him.


I bet you are exhausted after working full-time and then helping your parents. That is very nice of you, btw. 

How about sitting down with him and explaining what you would like from him, chores-wise?

Another possibility, and I don't know how you feel about this, is just to cut back on what you do. Make simple meals, or get takeout. Decide the bathroom will only get cleaned or the house vacuumed once a week instead of more often, or whatever your current schedule is.

I wonder if, more than anything, you would like to be able to tell him whatever is in your heart, and feel like he really cares about it?


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

So your husband works and sleeps or relaxes.

This is not much of a life. Does he reflect on what he is doing? Does he want to die the richest of the cemetery?

Is he willing to read some marriage books?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

jld said:


> I bet you are exhausted after working full-time and then helping your parents. That is very nice of you, btw.
> 
> How about sitting down with him and explaining what you would like from him, chores-wise?
> 
> ...


i really think you are right, i feel like he just does not care about my feelings or what i want/need. honestly i feel like he is holding the past events over my head, and tormenting me with it all.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Duguesclin said:


> So your husband works and sleeps or relaxes.
> 
> This is not much of a life. Does he reflect on what he is doing? Does he want to die the richest of the cimetery?
> 
> ...


we do go out on weekends and have dates, go for walks, etc. it's just during the week when he gets home at 7-8 and he is just exhausted mentally.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> i really think you are right, i feel like he just does not care about my feelings or what i want/need. honestly i feel like he is holding the past events over my head, and tormenting me with it all.


He probably is. 

It seems like you try to talk to him, but he just does not listen. 

Do you think it would be good to try marriage counseling again? Do you think he would be open to it?

Hon, if he does not start to meet your needs, you may become vulnerable to another EA (not saying you would succumb at all). It sounds like that is basically what happened last time.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> Also for the one that asked, we do missionary, I'll be on top, or we do doggie. That's pretty much it. We might do some oral as foreplay but that's really all, I just never liked it. I know some women do and some don't, I just happen to be one that doesn't.


Something told me you on do the positions where he has to do all the work. Try something new where you're in control and you have to do some work.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

I would never have another ea. i dont want to hurt him and he told me if i rver did it again he would kick me out and divorce me so fast my head would spin.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> I would never have another ea. i dont want to hurt him and he told me if i rver did it again he would kick me out and divorce me so fast my head would spin.


Of course you would not, sweetheart. I know that. I am sorry if my bringing it up was painful. 

Confused, I don't mean to hurt your feelings in any way, but your husband does not seem very kind and understanding. 

There are husbands who, if they discover their wives have been unfaithful, look at themselves first, and how they might not have been meeting her needs. The couple sits down and discusses what went wrong. Each vows to make it up to the other. 

Did your husband ever take any responsibility for what went wrong between you?


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Your husband is very selfish and controlling. I feel bad for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

I noticed the story changing a little bit....


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Yes, he went to counseling for his anger issues which are much better now .

All i want is for him to allow us to move forward. I feel resentment is why he will not have sex with me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Yes, he went to counseling for his anger issues which are much better now .
> 
> All i want is for him to allow us to move forward. I feel resentment is why he will not have sex with me.


Does he resent you still working with your affair partner?

How long after your affair have you been working with the man you were damaging your marriage with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

I still see him almost daily but dont talk to the other guy. I have stayed where I work since it happened. Its a job and at least i have one is what i tell him when he asks me to get a new job


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> I still see him almost daily but dont talk to the other guy. I have stayed where I work since it happened. Its a job and at least i have one is what i tell him when he asks me to get a new job


There you have it.

You want your husband to work on his side of the marriage with you while you justify your continued damage of your marriage and don't address his very valid concern that you still work with your affair partner.

I would advise your husband to divorce you because you will never have trust necessary for intimacy because you refuse to end all contact with your affair partner.

You are unwilling to heal the damage you inflicted and complain because your husband is wounded.

Stop wounding him with your continued contact with the idiot that pursued a married woman and maybe he will start to heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Again, i do not talk to him!

As a man of course you would side with my h on this issue. You dont understand how hard this is on me. He simply wont get over what happened 3 YEARS AGO! I have dine alot and apologized so many times its insane. I show him love and effection yet will not have sex when i offer it.

If a man can turn down sex when he is "emotionally damaged" then why shouldnt i be able to turn down sex when I feel depressed after one of our talks about the past? That is unfair and wrong.

Before, when all of the stuff had just hit the fan i told him i needed time to emotionally bond with him and for him to show me he truly cared about me and in time the intimacy would return. He would advance ALL THE TIME. It was absurd.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> Again, i do not talk to him!
> 
> As a man of course you would side with my h on this issue. You dont understand how hard this is on me. He simply wont get over what happened 3 YEARS AGO! I have dine alot and apologized so many times its insane. I show him love and effection yet will not have sex when i offer it.
> 
> ...


You did the damage and are still doing the damage. 
You expect him to be cool after 3 years when you still have easy access to the guy and the only thing he has to go on is your word, and your word is worth about 8 cents to him. If the roles were flipped, you would not believe him either. You
You just don't get it. Your best bet is to move on. You aren't going to do what is necessary to completely end it. 

If he works 70-80 hours a week, quit that job. He has to be making enough to provide for the family. If you aren't willing to do that. Pack your bags and go. Move on...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Again, i do not talk to him!
> 
> As a man of course you would side with my h on this issue. You dont understand how hard this is on me. He simply wont get over what happened 3 YEARS AGO! I have dine alot and apologized so many times its insane. I show him love and effection yet will not have sex when i offer it.
> 
> ...


He was attempting to bond too. You simply saw your husband as just another guy trying to get some nookie. When you refused his attempts to bond sexually, he closed up shop.

You and your husband are on two completely different pages with how you give and receive love. It may be too late to repair things, because holy cats there's a lot of resentment there.

If you want to make a go, start by buying and reading The 5 Love Languages AND His Needs, Her Needs. Those two books might help open both your eyes up as to why neither of you are able to connect. You're both trivializing each other's needs.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OP, one other question I have--When it all hit the fan and you told him you needed more time to emotionally bond with him before having sex. Now at this point in time, you are wanting to have sex again, so is it safe to assume that you feel sufficiently emotionally bonded again? 

And is it possible that he is feeling exactly what you were feeling then? It seems to me like you two have the exact same dynamic playing out now that you did then, you've just reversed roles. You've tried everything you can think of to repair the damage, but it's not resonating with him. I'd suspect that 3 years ago, he felt that he'd tried everything as well, but it wasn't resonating with you.

Again--you two aren't on the same page with how you communicate emotionally. If your marriage is going to have a shot at getting over resentment, you each need to start being able to interpret each other's love languages better, and stop seeing things through your own lenses.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Again, i do not talk to him!
> 
> As a man of course you would side with my h on this issue. You dont understand how hard this is on me. He simply wont get over what happened 3 YEARS AGO! I have dine alot and apologized so many times its insane. I show him love and effection yet will not have sex when i offer it.
> 
> ...


Listen sweet. I'm a man who would give this advice regardless of gender and there are as many expert women in this field that would absolutely concur with my conclusion.

You are simply unwillingly to end contact with your AP. You are showing very clearly that you value your job, and continued contact with your AP as a result, far more than repairing the damage you caused to your marriage.

You are showing that you are not that committed to your marriage.

NC with your AP to help the reconciliation process is pretty universal and time tested.

Do you desire your husband more than your job?

Your continued contact with your AP is seriously damaging your marriage.

I'm not even saying every problem stems back to your affair but it is pretty hard to determine while you are still inflicting damage by your behavior.

Your husband has already expressed his need for you to go NC with your AP.

You dismissed him. You are most certainly harming your intimacy with your husband by continuing contact with your AP.

Do you really want a stronger marriage?

You do realize it will take something from you?

Right now and since your affair, you have consistently shown your husband that he is not important enough for you to do what is necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Just because we work at the same place does not mean i value or talk to him. I am getting tired you fools thinking that i do. I need a job, i do not want to be a stay at home wife. It is a job which is better than nothing.

If you could read you would see i have tried am just about done because he seems like he just isnt interested in me any more. I kind of agree with the earlier post that i am worth more than this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> Just because we work at the same place does not mean i value or talk to him. I am getting tired you fools thinking that i do. I need a job, i do not want to be a stay at home wife. It is a job which is better than nothing.
> 
> If you could read you would see i have tried am just about done because he seems like he just isnt interested in me any more. I kind of agree with the earlier post that i am worth more than this.



So you agree that you value your job and continued contact more than your husband and marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Just because we work at the same place does not mean i value or talk to him. I am getting tired you fools thinking that i do. I need a job, i do not want to be a stay at home wife. It is a job which is better than nothing.
> 
> If you could read you would see i have tried am just about done because he seems like he just isnt interested in me any more. I kind of agree with the earlier post that i am worth more than this.


Well hon. I'm not the fool that cheated on my spouse and is losing my marriage over continued contact with my affair partner.

You have a very over inflated view of yourself.

You are a fairly unremorseful cheater that isn't willing to do her part in restoring her marriage.

You have proven you can attract scummy men who will pursue married women.

You really believe you can do so much better than your husband?

Based on what impeccable virtue?

You are fortunate to have even retained your marriage after cheating. Many do not.

It is clear you do not value your husband or really love him.

You and your desires are your priority. No problem with that but don't be married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> Just because we work at the same place does not mean i value or talk to him. I am getting tired you fools thinking that i do. I need a job, i do not want to be a stay at home wife. It is a job which is better than nothing.
> 
> If you could read you would see i have tried am just about done because he seems like he just isnt interested in me any more. I kind of agree with the earlier post that i am worth more than this.


Okay. You know best. Quite frankly I don't know why you are "seeking advice" when you are only really open to affirmation of your current views.

Hold your husband accountable. He deserves it, right? 

Just don't be surprised when you are either here or another online forum asking why your husband has left you or is in the arms of another woman.

I hope you wake up before that happens, but at this point your ego is not allowing it.

Good luck.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

If he is not willing to change, do you think you can stay with him? 

You may want some children. If there is no sex, is this going to happen? 

You mentioned that with the finances, you can't live on your own. Is this what is holding you back from leaving him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Duguesclin said:


> If he is not willing to change, do you think you can stay with him?
> 
> You may want some children. If there is no sex, is this going to happen?
> 
> ...


No, the main component of me staying is that I love him and I want to be with him.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> Yes, he went to counseling for his anger issues which are much better now .
> 
> All i want is for him to allow us to move forward. I feel resentment is why he will not have sex with me.


But he WILL have sex with you after you discuss the EA.
So the answer is to have sex with him then!
:banghead:


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> No, the main component of me staying is that I love him and I want to be with him.


Apparently not enough. 

If it's just a job and it's better than nothing, get another one. You are telling us all the stuff you are not willing to do to save your marriage but not what you are willing to do.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

confusedone84 said:


> To the other 2 I greatly appreciate your concern and help. The thing is my family has no idea of what went on with the ea or trouble that we had since thankfully he didn't blab to them about our issues. They only saw us arguing ALOT but nothing more. I do not know if it will get to that point honestly. I hope it doesn't but at this point I am still unsure.


The two who are supporting your point of view on this are husband and wife. It's great that they found each other, because their view on man and woman relations is that no matter what, it's the man's fault. Anything else means the man is abusive.

I postulate that unless that's your husband's view of the world, you not grab onto their advice. 

OTOH, you may want to consider the counterpoints offered by nearly everyone else here. I followed the advice when I came here years ago and I'm so glad I did. I'm living quite a happy married life right now.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

technovelist said:


> But he WILL have sex with you after you discuss the EA.
> So the answer is to have sex with him then!
> :banghead:


But why would I want to have sex when I feel depressed and attacked. I am completely depressed for the rest of the day and just feel sad overall afterwards. I just plain do not want sex at all after those talks. Please don't tell me that i need to compromise, because then he should as well and have sex with me when i want it.

another case just happened earlier today. we were both in great moods and having an awesome day together, we had gotten up had breakfast and went for a long walk on the beach this afternoon, and then went out to dinner. The entire time we were having a great time, I was trying to flirt with him but he just didn't seem interested. I was trying to get some foreplay going to follow us back home and into the bedroom. In the car on the way back home I was rubbing his leg and he was errect (sorry if tmi). I gave him a kiss and told him "I can take care of that for you". He just looked at me and said "oh yeah?" I was totally embarrassed by even trying.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

He's completely shut down on you. Instead of asking, just DO something and see how he responds. You take control


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm confused 

He said "oh yeah" and then? That's the opportunity you take to put it to use.... He didn't say no, he left it dangling. That's a huge difference.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

confusedone84 said:


> But why would I want to have sex when I feel depressed and *attacked*.


You're not remorseful for what you did to him then. Remorseful waywards are worried more about the damage to their spouse than they are about their own ego. Put your ego aside and let your husband heal.



confusedone84 said:


> I am completely depressed for the rest of the day and just feel sad overall afterwards. I just plain do not want sex at all after those talks. * Please don't tell me that i need to compromise,* because then he should as well and have sex with me when i want it.


Well how is stubborn working out for you?

Einstein said doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Try doing something different and then maybe things will change.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> But why would I want to have sex when I feel depressed and attacked. I am completely depressed for the rest of the day and just feel sad overall afterwards. I just plain do not want sex at all after those talks. Please don't tell me that i need to compromise, because then he should as well and have sex with me when i want it.


Remember, you are the one who asked the original question:

"h is not interested in sex at all, what can i do?"

I have explained exactly what you can do to have a chance to improve your marriage, but you don't want to do it because you feel "depressed and attacked" after discussing YOUR emotional affair. Is that more important than saving your marriage?

If so, :banghead:.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm predicting a hair flip.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When he said "oh yeah" that was your invitation to lean over, unzip his pants and get to work. Oh that's right, you don't like to do that because it doesn't do anything for you. Well, he tried.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP,

There was a couple here on TAM who had a rough time 30 years ago. The wife had an affair in her 20s. Can you believe the husband was still bent out of shape 30 years later, even though she had profusely apologized.

Do you want the same to happen to you?

Your husband is stuck. He may be too weak to grow out of it. Do you feel strong enough to help him out? If you do, great, but it is going to be a lot of work.

I realize there are a lot of weak men. Some women may be fine with them and make them happy. Is it what you want? Are you ready to take charge like suggested by many posters here?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> But why would I want to have sex when I feel depressed and attacked. I am completely depressed for the rest of the day and just feel sad overall afterwards. I just plain do not want sex at all after those talks. Please don't tell me that i need to compromise, because then he should as well and have sex with me when i want it.
> 
> another case just happened earlier today. we were both in great moods and having an awesome day together, we had gotten up had breakfast and went for a long walk on the beach this afternoon, and then went out to dinner. The entire time we were having a great time, I was trying to flirt with him but he just didn't seem interested. I was trying to get some foreplay going to follow us back home and into the bedroom. In the car on the way back home I was rubbing his leg and he was errect (sorry if tmi). I gave him a kiss and told him "I can take care of that for you". He just looked at me and said "oh yeah?" I was totally embarrassed by even trying.


I think the problem is that your husband has not taken responsibility for his end of your developing that EA. He is sitting in the victim chair.

Has he ever said to you, "If I had been more approachable, you would have likely felt more comfortable coming to me with our problems, and you would not have been vulnerable to that man." Or, "I bet you felt disrespected when I filed that complaint against that man at your work. Maybe I overreacted."

That is what I mean by his taking responsibility for his end of things. I think his recognizing your feelings like that would be meeting you halfway. 

You are clearly sorry for the EA and will never do it again. It is not like you can change the past. And really, he cannot change his contribution to it, either. Somehow you both need to make peace with that and move forward.

For what happened earlier today, do you think your becoming the initiator is what he is looking for? He wants to be passive, be pursued? 

Of course you should not do anything you do not feel comfortable with. But it seems like he is just doing nothing. I am not sure what to suggest if you want to stay together other than your becoming the initiator. It just does not seem like he can be.

Honest question, confused: Is his behavior making you lose respect for him?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I do agree that your husband is showing weakness.

He is possibly being passive aggressive with you.

A normal boundary after an affair is NC with the AP.

He has told you that is what he wants but when you refused, he should have simply divorced you.

Instead, he is behaving like a child.

This doesn't let you off the hook for your terrible behavior and continued contact with your affair partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

jld said:


> I think the problem is that your husband has not taken responsibility for his end of your developing that EA. He is sitting in the victim chair.


Hey Confused84: Do you blame your husband for the EA? Do you think it's part his fault?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> I do try to be a good wife and do pretty much everything he asks. *hell he hired a house maid since he doesn't have time to clean the house and i'm to tired at the end of the day to do it myself. *i do the laundry, clean IN BETWEEN maid visits, basic up keep, and laundry. every time he asks me to do something i do it without question. he doesn't even take out the trash except once in a while. again he works 70-90 hours per week, alot of nights, and alot of weekends so he doesn't have the time to do house chores which is all fine and dandy but i feel that his job may be getting in the way of us. i mean he has said he doesnt have time for sex because of work.


So with him hiring a maid, I know you still do stuff between visits, but really, how much do you really do? He outsourced some of the housework, while you outsourced the imtimacy...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Another interesting quote from Esther Perel:

_What couples fight about has little if anything to do with content. *They fight because they feel unheard, disrespected, devalued and not acknowledged. They feel alone.* That's what people really suffer from in relationships._

5 Mistaken Assumptions About Long-Term Love | Esther Perel | YourTango

I think the bolded echoes what you mentioned drove that EA, confused.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

larry.gray said:


> Hey Confused84: Do you blame your husband for the EA? Do you think it's part his fault?


Well the reason is because he made me feel un-appreciated, and would not listen to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Well the reason is because he made me feel un-appreciated, and would not listen to me.


This was his contribution to your vulnerability.

Confused, you have clearly stated that you regret the EA and will never do it again. You have taken distance from the other man at your work, and let him know he had to back off. I believe you. I don't think your husband has anything to worry about.

But for some folks, the steps you have taken are not enough. They want you to quit your job. To them, that would reassure your husband that there is no chance of rekindling the EA.

You have mentioned your confidence has taken a hit, and you have not been able to find another job. I am not sure where you live, but perhaps it is difficult to find work you enjoy in your area? 

It is clear your husband can achieve erection. He simply does not seem interested in sex with you, or at least does not want to be the initiator, or not unless it is after a talk about the EA. And talking about the EA makes you feel bad, because it is something that you wish you could take back, but cannot. And it does not seem like he can acknowledge his own role in making you vulnerable.

It could be that what the crowd is saying, giving up the job, would reassure your husband and make him open to sex again. But that may not be enough for him, either. And then you would still be sexless, and with no job. That makes you economically vulnerable should you two end up divorced.

What do you think about sitting down with him and having a talk about the way forward? It has been three years, and you would like a normal sex life. He could put on the table what he wants, and you could put on the table what you want. I think some open, honest communication from both of you could make things clearer.

It does seem like he cannot get past the EA, even though the counselor told him to put it behind him. If that is the case, confused, do you think it might be easier to just move on without him? Why stay with someone who is likely contributing to your lack of confidence in yourself?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Dr. Laura wrote some books you need to read. "The proper care and feeding of husbands" is one. When I read her books I was thinking "this woman truely understands men" And She used to be a devout women's lib bra burner! She has seen the error of her ways and now has done a 180.

She said men are like puppys, they want to please their wives. The relationship is controlled by the wife and how they act toward their husbands. If you treat your husband correctly he will swim through shark infested waters to get you a glass of ice water.

You are very self centered and if you do not change your attitude and actions toward your husband I do not see this marriage surviving.....change your attitude and it will thrive.

You spoke earlier when husband talks about you finding another job you lell him at least its a job. The tone tells me he still brings it up occasionally and you are basically telling him by your comment and lack of action, " I'm gonna do what I want and work with AP and there is not a damn thing you can do about it!"

As long as you work together you are not a safe spouse. On top of that you refuse to get another job. You can work at Brains making ice cream cones. Don't say you can't find a job. 

If you love your husband.....minimum wage in a happy marriage is worth more than your current job with AP and ****ty marriage/divorce. Wouldn't you agree?

I'm on the 18 yr of my honeymoon. People get the order confused and it causes a lot of issues in marriage. 
God 1st
Spouse 2nd
Children/self 3rd
Other family/church family 4th


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> She said men are like puppys, they want to please their wives. The relationship is controlled by the wife and how they act toward their husbands. If you treat your husband correctly he will swim through shark infested waters to get you a glass of ice water.


DF, I think, for some men, the above is absolutely true. They are wired that way, and their needs must be respected.

These men look to the woman to make them feel safe and protected and warm. They truly need these things from her.

When they do not get them, they are fearful, sad, lost. This may manifest as anger, and probably as resentment. 

They cannot pick themselves up. They truly need her help. 

If they cannot get it, they either stay, floundering, or they eventually move on to another woman who can meet those needs in them. 


But not _all_ men are like this. 

Some men have a need to make the _woman_ feel safe, protected, and warm. They are able to look past her words and even her actions to what is truly in her heart. They know her heart.

These men are well aware that they have the greater power in the relationship, and they enjoy using it for the greater good of the family. 

Such a man is not going to flip out if he reads texts that concern him. He is going to examine his conscience and ask himself why his wife might not have felt comfortable going to _him_ with her fears.

He will vow to re-earn her trust. He knows if he has her trust, her heart, she is not going to be swayed by another man. Her heart will feel safe with _her_ man.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Men who are not asses and actually have emotion attached to the physical intimacy(most husbands) can not perform when the emotional bond is not there with their wives. Or if you continue to refuse him he will eventually see you as a non-sexual being, like a good friendship.

She has as not talking about WEAK ass men. She referred to the puppy analogy as men's love is simple. Be a good loving owner of their heart and a most husbands will go out of their way for your happiness.

Being abusive in the way you have dealt with him and he will become gun shy or like a puppy who does not want to be around an owner who through their actions abuses them and demonstrates their feelings are not cared for.

You


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld, dug... respectfully... all of this noise about what her husband needs to do to fix the marriage (and he needs to work, too)... 

comes only after reconciliation.

They never reconciled.

Because she didn't let that happen. He tried, she rejected, he gave up... then, one day, she decided they were reconciled. In a very one-sided way.

She needs to take a step. He's still in this, but not for long. And she will lose him if she asks him to continue to do all the work to repair what she has broken.

He's barely in this. And I wouldn't be in this, either. I'd be heartbroken, resentful, and feel disrespected every day. 

Start with the disrespect. Quit your job. $160k/year is plenty to live on.

Next start with resentment. He deserves to be angry with you. If you hear that anger, maybe the resentment will go away, if he works on it. When you talk, things get better. So talk. Honestly and openly.

Last comes the heartbreak. You broke his heart, lady. Jld and dug may not get that men have hearts, but we do. 

And if you're not ready for that, then let him go.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> Men who are not asses and actually have emotion attached to the physical intimacy(most husbands) can not perform when the emotional bond is not there with their wives. Or if you continue to refuse him he will eventually see you as a non-sexual being, like a good friendship.
> 
> She has as not talking about WEAK ass men. She referred to the puppy analogy as men's love is simple. Be a good loving owner of their heart and a most husbands will go out of their way for your happiness.
> 
> Being abusive in the way you have dealt with him and he will become gun shy or like a puppy who does not want to be around an owner who through their actions abuses them and demonstrates their feelings are not cared for.


I don't know. I think the puppy analogy was probably right on.

Puppies are cute, sweet, and delightful when they are loved and cared for. And they absolutely do need to be cared for. There is no shame in that.

And loving owners enjoy caring for their puppies. It brings them satisfaction.

All in all, a Win/Win.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you not think he is capable of taking himself away, Marduk?

I do think she has two choices: 1) becoming the emotional leader in the relationship, taking responsibility for mending all his hurts; and 2) leaving him for a fresh start eventually with someone more emotionally independent.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> Do you not think he is capable of taking himself away, Marduk?
> 
> I do think she has two choices: 1) becoming the emotional leader in the relationship, taking responsibility for mending all his hurts; and 2) leaving him for a fresh start eventually with someone more emotionally independent.


I think that's myopic.

#1 is just being insulting to a guy that isn't even here.

#2 is always an option.

What I offer is #3: accept accountability for what she has done, do her own work to come to terms with that, and ask him what he needs. 

Only then do you offer what he can do to help fix the relationship -- as a way for him to regain his own stability.

3 years is nothing. In fact, it makes it worse -- because it's a splinter that has sat there for three years getting infected. Lance the wound and pull the splinter out, not put a bandaid on it.

"Husband, I'm truly sorry for what I did. I'm truly sorry for what you may have felt was being rejected by my after finding out. I'm truly sorry for the deceit, the pain, and my foolishness. I want to move on, but in a way where we are strong and enjoy each other. For me, this means having sex with you because I love you and desire you. What would that mean for you?"

And then listen.

All of this is quite simple. I've been in his shoes. All I actually needed was quite simple, and resolvable pretty much within days -- as long as it stayed stable, and was reinforced time to time.

This has nothing to do with him being weak. This has to do with him being disillusioned with his wife. Because he married her thinking she was one way, and that way turned out not to be true.

And disrespect. Her working with him is disrespect, pure and simple. And she knows it, and halfheartedly looks for another job, but doesn't stop going in there. It drives him crazy -- and this is rational.

Job #1 of a wayward spouse who wants to reconcile is cut all ties to the affair parter. She hasn't done that. This could be purposeful -- to hurt him. It could be laziness. It could be foolishness.

But what it is likely for him is continual disrespect.

The sex won't come until the respect does.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think #3 is the same as #1.

And I think she was betrayed first.


PEREL: _Every affair will redefine a relationship and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be.* Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner - with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence.* Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage._


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> I think #3 is the same as #1.
> 
> And I think she was betrayed first.


You can play the "you hurt me first" or "you hurt me the worst" game all you want, but it's just being childish.

Relationships are a dynamic, and have boundaries. She crossed it, repeatedly.

The one that crosses it has an obligation to fix it. 

Women are adults, too. 

This DOES NOT MEAN that he does not have an obligation to look at the underlying causes and conditions of her being open to an EA.

They were him not being there for her, and her being foolish. In her own words.

He's not going to go there unless they reconcile. I give even odds he's prepping to leave her right now.

And I would, too. Once you get past the pain of an affair, what lingers is the dishonesty. You sometimes never quite trust them the same way again.

They need to reconcile. She blew the first one. She repeatedly lied to him. She repeatedly went back to him. She's still in contact with him.

That's on her. Until she owns that, he's not gonna own or fix what came before that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think, to you, the EA was the cause of trouble in this relationship. That almost seems like the only thing you see.

To me, his neglect of her needs, mainly the need for her to be comfortable going to him with anything in her heart, knowing he would respond with care, set the stage for the EA. *I think the EA is the consequence, not the cause, of the trouble.*

I think a woman's knowledge that she is not safe going to her husband with her whole heart lingers on. She may never fully trust him again.

And he is still not meeting her needs. I think his leaving would ultimately free her.


Confused, it is up to you. I don't think your husband can heal on his own, by looking at his own hand in his trouble. 

If you want to take on that responsibility, learn to nurse him along, carry him, just like the analogy of the owner and the puppy Divinely Favored offered above, that is one way to keep the relationship going.

If you believe your feelings matter, too, then I suggest leaving him. That might wake him up to his treatment of you. It might make him start taking responsibility for his hand in the mess. It could be a growth opportunity for him.

If not, you have learned what you will not do in future relationships. And the next relationship would offer a clean slate.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

wow lots of replies this morning/afternoon! again thank you all for your thoughts and input. every time we have our talks about what happened i ask him "WHAT DO YOU WANT" of course after i apologize and tell him how sorry i am, how bad i feel that i hurt him, and how i feel terrible every day because of it. his answer has changed over the last 3 years in regards to this. when we were first reconciling he would tell me that sex is what he needs to feel better so he could be close to me but i wasn't ready for that yet. like i said earlier, i needed to bond with him again and see that he truly cared about me and was going to change in regards to his anger, and rash actions like filing that sexual harassment charge. he even told the mc that he needed sex and she also shot that down by saying that sex was not the issue, there was an underlying issue that involved me needing to be close to him to have that intimacy back. once he started me love, attention, and being caring, then i was ready to become intimate on that next level again. unfortunately by this time he was already shut down. he has told me on many occasions that he shut down sexually because he was sick and tired of being rejected. i told him that it both of our fault that we are in this situation and not just one sided. again i felt and still do feel like he blames me for everything that we have been through which is wrong because of how angry and hateful he used to be.

Today I brought up the subject for a change rather than he doing it. we talked for about an hour and afterwards we started kissing so I tried to take it a little further because i could tell he was aroused. he shot me right down and said he was hungry and going to make some food, i said "well go fuel up, because you'll need the energy for me." He just kept walking and said "maybe later". So here i sit yet again after trying to advance onto him when he TYPICALLY wants it and i'm yet again shot down. 

he has said on many occasions that if we had not lived with my parents and he would have had a place to go then he would have left, but had nowhere else to live for that time. he has also told me that he feels we are more like friends and he is just uncomfortable with the thought of having sex with me because it would be like having sex with a really good friend. this breaks my heart because i want to share this intimacy with him and have tried what you all say but he just keeps hanging this over my head and making me feel horrible. i am starting to think i am being emotionally abused.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Sometimes, we seek the gaze of another not because we reject our partner, but because we are tired of ourselves. It isn’t our partner we aim to leave, rather the person we’ve become."

Esther Perel


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He is checked out.

He should be honest and leave.

I'm not sure why he is staying.

OP. Your efforts are good except where continued contact with your AP is concerned.

If you research recovery from infidelity you will see how devastating continued contact with your AP really is.

You are not comprehending how you have been murdering your chances at reconciliation by ignoring this very basic rule.

The damage you have continued to inflict for years has definitely contributed to the state of your marriage.

I think it might just be over except for the paperwork but if you really want to save it then QUIT YOUR JOB!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Confused, what do you think about going back to your counselor and discussing the situation? It seems like she gave you good advice before.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedone84 said:


> wow lots of replies this morning/afternoon! again thank you all for your thoughts and input. every time we have our talks about what happened i ask him "WHAT DO YOU WANT" of course after i apologize and tell him how sorry i am, how bad i feel that i hurt him, and how i feel terrible every day because of it. his answer has changed over the last 3 years in regards to this. when we were first reconciling he would tell me that sex is what he needs to feel better so he could be close to me but i wasn't ready for that yet. like i said earlier, i needed to bond with him again and see that he truly cared about me and was going to change in regards to his anger, and rash actions like filing that sexual harassment charge. he even told the mc that he needed sex and she also shot that down by saying that sex was not the issue, there was an underlying issue that involved me needing to be close to him to have that intimacy back. once he started me love, attention, and being caring, then i was ready to become intimate on that next level again. unfortunately by this time he was already shut down. he has told me on many occasions that he shut down sexually because he was sick and tired of being rejected. i told him that it both of our fault that we are in this situation and not just one sided. again i felt and still do feel like he blames me for everything that we have been through which is wrong because of how angry and hateful he used to be.


Can I offer an alternative view of his anger?

What if it was an attempt to regain some self-control?

I am not justifying it. I'm trying to get you to understand it.

And can I offer an alternative way to allow him an opening to understand your side? Just take full accountability for what you did. Without trying to defend yourself, without trying to point out what he did. Just take accountability for a few minutes.

When he feels that this is genuine, you will notice a change come over him. When you see that, talk about your feelings. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. And just talk about how you felt, and how you don't want to go back there, even if you would make different choices now. How you can work together on this.



> Today I brought up the subject for a change rather than he doing it. we talked for about an hour and afterwards we started kissing so I tried to take it a little further because i could tell he was aroused. he shot me right down and said he was hungry and going to make some food, i said "well go fuel up, because you'll need the energy for me." He just kept walking and said "maybe later". So here i sit yet again after trying to advance onto him when he TYPICALLY wants it and i'm yet again shot down.


This is fantastic! Up until you tried to take it further.

Keep ramping things up with talk and kissing, and let _him_ take it further. Pull him out of his shell, don't try to push him out.


> he has said on many occasions that if we had not lived with my parents and he would have had a place to go then he would have left, but had nowhere else to live for that time. he has also told me that he feels we are more like friends and he is just uncomfortable with the thought of having sex with me because it would be like having sex with a really good friend. this breaks my heart because i want to share this intimacy with him and have tried what you all say but he just keeps hanging this over my head and making me feel horrible. i am starting to think i am being emotionally abused.


Just hear him. And have him hear you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Your husband makes 160K a year. I don't know where you live, but in most areas of the U.S. that's plenty of money for a childless couple to exist for a while on that one income alone. Quit your job and make your new full time job finding another full time job. You have no excuse at all to still be working with this man. Your husband has told you he doesn't want you to anymore, but you don't care what he has to say about it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

marduk said:


> Can I offer an alternative view of his anger?
> 
> What if it was an attempt to regain some self-control?
> 
> ...


Confused, if your husband has a temperament like marduk's, this might be worth a try.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

marduk said:


> Can I offer an alternative view of his anger?
> 
> What if it was an attempt to regain some self-control?
> 
> ...


marduk thank you! actually when we were talking I sincerely asked him if he would care if I quit my job. He said he didn't care. I told him if I have to quit my job to make him happy then I will do it. He just again said it was my call. if i want to quit then quit, if not then dont. i mean it seemed like a genuine answer, like he really didn't care at all.

When we were talking I completely opened up and let him tell me how I felt. I took it and didn't try to justify or defend myself at all. He seemed happier after this talk more than normal, but still wasn't in the mood...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedone84 said:


> marduk thank you! actually when we were talking I sincerely asked him if he would care if I quit my job. He said he didn't care. I told him if I have to quit my job to make him happy then I will do it. He just again said it was my call. if i want to quit then quit, if not then dont. i mean it seemed like a genuine answer, like he really didn't care at all.


He wants you to do it freely because you love and respect him not because he made you. 

I wanted my wife to do the same with the other man. 

It's a test. 

Pass it. Quit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

And keep talking. Keep listening. 

Open doors. Let him walk through them. 

By showing him that you're there for him, not pushing him through them. 

You have not reconciled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

It's over. Move on.
Anything you do will make VB your husband lose any respect he has for you.
Thankfully no kids in the mix.

Just curious, your husband makes 160. What do you make?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What's more important at this time?

Your job or your marriage? Make sure if you do quit he knows you did it for him and you know it was the right thing to do.

Then it's on him to accept you back as his wife.

One thing, sex on a normal basis to a man is necessary. If he can't get it at home most will find a replacement. Not saying your his slave but you need to understand it's not OK to put it off until it's convenient for you or you will have to accept the consequences.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

I agree that you should quit your job. Be sure that you tell him that you quit for the health of your marriage, but never throw it in his face during an argument. You truly are quitting for both of you--I hope you can come to that realization. 

And stop asking for sex. Flirt with him, woo him back. Leave the rest up to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

confusedone84 said:


> Well the reason is because he made me feel un-appreciated, and would not listen to me.


As long as you continue to believe that, he'll never recover.

The EA is not his fault, it is your fault. If you're not happy, fix it or leave. An affair is only pouring gasoline on a fire. What you did is 1000's of times worse. Do you want to leave him for what he did to you before? Because what you did could have easily resulted in him leaving.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

It is also not his fault that working through it and helping him reach a comfort zone and a safe level of trust is hard work. You didn't do your homework before you had your EA; you just plunged in and didn't think about how you would feel about it down the road. I've been in enough relationships to know that the ones that you decide aren't going to work can be hard to get out of. EA's, PA's, some of them turn into long-term relationships but others don't. You did the crime, now you have to do the time to get your husband to a point where he's willing to work too. All over this forum are littered posts by people whose spouse is cheating, in an EA or a PA, and they want to get their cheating spouse's attention because they want to save the relationship. So you got to have your EA AND get your husband back. Be glad. Be happy. And do the work and be patient while he does his.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, your husband does not care about you. He does not want to take any responsibilities.

Let's say you quit your job, you do everything he wants, you crawl in front of him and nothing changes, then what?

Let me remind you that you are the one at risk here. You have a lot to lose when he decides to kick you out. You need to act to protect yourself and not baby your husband.

He has a weak spine. Coddling him is not going to strengthen it.

I would advise you to kick him in the balls. Tell him if he does not shape up, you are leaving.

Your focus has to be to protect yourself, because your husband is not watching out for you.

A man who refuses sex is a big red flag.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> wow lots of replies this morning/afternoon! again thank you all for your thoughts and input. every time we have our talks about what happened i ask him "WHAT DO YOU WANT" of course after i apologize and tell him how sorry i am, how bad i feel that i hurt him, and how i feel terrible every day because of it. his answer has changed over the last 3 years in regards to this. when we were first reconciling he would tell me that sex is what he needs to feel better so he could be close to me but i wasn't ready for that yet. like i said earlier, i needed to bond with him again and see that he truly cared about me and was going to change in regards to his anger, and rash actions like filing that sexual harassment charge. he even told the mc that he needed sex and she also shot that down by saying that sex was not the issue, there was an underlying issue that involved me needing to be close to him to have that intimacy back. once he started me love, attention, and being caring, then i was ready to become intimate on that next level again. unfortunately by this time he was already shut down. he has told me on many occasions that he shut down sexually because he was sick and tired of being rejected. i told him that it both of our fault that we are in this situation and not just one sided. again i felt and still do feel like he blames me for everything that we have been through which is wrong because of how angry and hateful he used to be.
> 
> Today I brought up the subject for a change rather than he doing it. we talked for about an hour and afterwards we started kissing so I tried to take it a little further because i could tell he was aroused. he shot me right down and said he was hungry and going to make some food, i said "well go fuel up, because you'll need the energy for me." He just kept walking and said "maybe later". So here i sit yet again after trying to advance onto him when he TYPICALLY wants it and i'm yet again shot down.
> 
> he has said on many occasions that if we had not lived with my parents and he would have had a place to go then he would have left, but had nowhere else to live for that time. he has also told me that he feels we are more like friends and he is just uncomfortable with the thought of having sex with me because it would be like having sex with a really good friend. this breaks my heart because i want to share this intimacy with him and have tried what you all say but he just keeps hanging this over my head and making me feel horrible. i am starting to think i am being emotionally abused.



He's checked out. Probably won't ever get him back. You or him should be honest and say you're leaving. Probably best at this point


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

What were the issues y'all had before you met your AP. Was hubby angry then or just since you found a love buddy. Don't believe your husband does not think you have been doing the coworker.

You fell in love with coworker, told your betrayed husband and then refused your husbands advances, physical and emotional intimacy and said not till I have feelings for you again.

After all you have done to him....and still doing....now you are upset he is emotionally and intimately unattached.

Most men are simple and loyal like a dog...but if you abuse them long enough they will stop loving you and find someone who will treat them right.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> hi everyone, i'm a long time lurker and first time poster unfortunately :frown2:. i have a long story but thank you if you take the time to read it all :smile2:.
> 
> about 3 years ago my h and i were going through very rough times and had to move into my parents house due to me losing my job and he was not making much at all. we fought all the time about stupid trivial items and grew apart due to the stress and arguments. i was stupid and ended up talking to a friend at work that was a male and it eventually evolved into an ea. my husband would tell me all the time that he knew what the other guy was doing but i was dumb and didnt see it coming. i honestly just thought he was being a good friend. an example is that i was rear ended and needed a bumper and my friend drove a 500 mile round trip to pickup a bumper for me and didn't charge any gas money which was really sweet of him. my h told me that no man will do that for a woman unless he is trying to get into bed with her which i ignored. in short i grew feelings for this other man and we told each other that we had fallen for each other but couldnt do anything about it. he would ask me for my phone constantly and i would tell him no, yes because i was talking to the other man and didn't want my h to see the texts.
> 
> ...



We all get layed off, lose our jobs and get new jobs. Its stressful and sucks but its life and you find ways to deal with it.

You were emotionally vulnerable to decided to make the choice to have an EA with your male co worker. Nothing to do with evolution. You made the choice.

You were texting and seeing this other man and hiding it from your hubby.

Your hubby went through your cell and found the texts between you and this other man.

You got angry at your hubby because he went through you cell and called a harassment against him, all because you were seeing this other man.

You need to feel close to your hubby before having sex again.

Your hubby has no sex drive in the last 6 months and its driving you crazy.

I would say your hubby feels betrayed, broken and its totally understandable why he isn't into sex with you.

If you're both up to it, get counseling.


Found out each others love languages and compare results.

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


You're going to have to put up with this because of the damage you did. Consequences.

Time heals all wounds and I hope your hubby forgives you and you both become stronger together because of this.


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## Learning2Fly (Oct 11, 2015)

First step...get a new job ASAP


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> Dr. Laura wrote some books you need to read. "The proper care and feeding of husbands" is one. When I read her books I was thinking "this woman truely understands men" And She used to be a devout women's lib bra burner! She has seen the error of her ways and now has done a 180.
> 
> She said men are like puppys, they want to please their wives. The relationship is controlled by the wife and how they act toward their husbands. If you treat your husband correctly he will swim through shark infested waters to get you a glass of ice water.
> 
> ...


Still trying to get my wife to read that book


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedone84 said:


> Just because we work at the same place does not mean i value or talk to him. I am getting tired you fools thinking that i do. I need a job, i do not want to be a stay at home wife. It is a job which is better than nothing.
> 
> If you could read you would see i have tried am just about done because he seems like he just isnt interested in me any more. I kind of agree with the earlier post that i am worth more than this.


Out of curiosity, how many people work where you do?

Do you have any work contact with him at all?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Divinely Favored said:


> She has as not talking about WEAK ass men. She referred to the puppy analogy as men's love is simple. Be a good loving owner of their heart and a most husbands will go out of their way for your happiness.


Yes some men are like that. And some men are not. Some men are mean, angry, need to control, punish and use a lot of passive aggressive antics to control the relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedone84,
I just read all of your posts on this thread. From what you have written, I, nor anyone else, really knows what’s going on in your marriage. Your husband is not here, so we do not have his side of the story. There is a lot of speculation going on.. as is normal here. 

I can see two different things that might be going on.

Three years is a very long time for a person to still be hanging on to an EA like this. Either your husband is emotionally broken on some level, or he’s using the affair to gain some control/power in the relationship. 

Your husband might be gun shy. He might be so gun shy that the only time he can desire sex with you is after you two talk about your EA and the talk stirs him emotionally. It might be the only time he’s actually feeling emotions related to you and your relationship. Then he wants sex, perhaps as a way to show his dominance. To mark his territory. I've read a lot on TAM about men thinking this way. If this is the case, then a good roll in the hay after a few of these discussions could go a long way to re-bond both you and your husband to each other. He might want to re-establish your sex life on his terms. That would make sense after an affair. But you get worked up into a state where you are emotionally distraught and don’t want sex. 

Yea, I know you get all upset when he brings up the affair. You have 100% control over how you react to talking about this topic. You choose to get upset. So stop getting upset. Instead just answer his questions matter of fact. Let him lead the conversation to sex. If you can get control of your emotions, 

or 

He has just found another way to punish you. He went to counseling on his own to end his angry outbursts. He still is not there for you emotionally. He still will not listen to you and talk with you (no non-sexual intimacy). If this is the case, then he's replaced his outward display of anger with passive aggressive ways of manipulating you through sex and your guilt about the affair. He knows that you want a sex life.

So he will only try for sex after he's emotionally brow beat you about your affair. And he will not have sex with you when you initiates. IT’s a “nice” little catch-22 passive aggressive game. And he still will not engage with you on the emotional intimacy level to the point of now being away from home most of the time.

Now we do not know which one it is. I could see either scenario. You need to figure out which is it because the way to deal with this is different depending on what is really going on.

One way to find out is to have sex with him the next time he wants it after a discussion/fight about the affair. See what he does. Will he go through with it or will he suddenly not feel like it?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> confusedone84,
> I just read all of your posts on this thread. From what you have written, I, nor anyone else, really knows what’s going on in your marriage. Your husband is not here, so we do not have his side of the story. There is a lot of speculation going on.. as is normal here.
> 
> I can see two different things that might be going on.
> ...


There's a third scenario. You want to share a loving sexual relationship, but you want to be sure it is sincere from both sides. In cheating your wife has, in a way, said that she doesn't value what you thought you shared. You are looking for evidence, or perhaps reassurance, that she does.

Of course, this is based on the assumption that sex has an emotional component for guys, that its not just a physical need. But if the husband here just has the normal physical need, and there is no emotional issue, then how do you explain what is going on?

OP, I admire you for sticking around, because TAM is not gentle to the spouse who has an affair. And I get that the whole experience is painful for you too, and I feel for you. I can write from your husband's perspective, to an extent, because we shared similar experiences. In doing so, I am just trying to give you insight into how he may see things. It's not an attack.

After my wife's affair, I did many of the same things as your husband. But my wife did all the same things you are doing. And, in a nutshell, what I think he wants is for you to prove that you still want to be married. He is hurt, and protecting his heart. Some on the forum have called that weakness. Personally I call it being human. 

If you want to sort things, you have to do some stuff on his terms, not yours. So, for example, you say you have cut off contact with the other guy. But you have the advantage of knowing the truth. Think about the extent to which you have given your husband cause to doubt your word. Why should he believe you?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> Just because we work at the same place does not mean i value or talk to him. I am getting tired you fools thinking that i do. I need a job, i do not want to be a stay at home wife. It is a job which is better than nothing.
> 
> If you could read you would see i have tried am just about done because he seems like he just isnt interested in me any more. I kind of agree with the earlier post that i am worth more than this.


What anyone here thinks is irrelevant. What does your husband think?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> So your husband works and sleeps or relaxes.
> 
> This is not much of a life. Does he reflect on what he is doing? Does he want to die the richest of the cemetery?
> 
> Is he willing to read some marriage books?


Dug, I think you should expand on this.

I know that you and JLD live apart during the week, so you certainly get the idea of choosing to make work a priority for strategic reasons. 

To be honest, I don't think 60-70 hours a week is nothing but neither is it all that unusual for professionals making good money.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Confused84- Some people don't understand that trying to make you feel guilty isn't going to work.

I had an EA years ago, my H held it against me for a long time and we had no sex, rejection, etc until he eventually had a PA.

I've been where you are, it sucks. 

First things first - He needs to figure out if he can forgive the affair and move past it. IMO this isn't a popular opinion in this forum but you can not build a new future while still fighting over the past. If you can not get over it, you should not reconcile. 
That means he doesn't bring it up. Give some wiggle room if he gets a trigger every now and then but for the most part it's kept in the past. He can no longer attack you. 

You can either learn from an affair in a marriage- which yes, means BOTH people learn their part- build a better relationship and grow or you end up where you are. A slow, painful death. 

If he can commit to leaving the past in the past and moving forward then you can work on rebuilding some intimacy.

I recommend Dr. Harley marriage builders Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice
15 hours a week alone time, meeting emotional needs, stopping love busters. 
It works but you both need to be on board and he will have to work less.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

And I'm also going to say- Do NOT quit your job.
Keep looking for a new one but do not become even more stuck and dependent in a situation that is so rocky. 

In fact, I would start making progress towards being more independent. Try to find a higher paying job where you could afford to be on your own and start saving some money for a possible divorce. Look at what apartments would be, make a budget for what you would need. 
A lot of this fighting is a power struggle. If you are ready and able to leave if this does not change it can make a difference in his willingness to try.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I do think the main point is to ask your H why he is staying married to you and where he sees the relationship in 5 or 10 years. Still together? Still sexless? If he thinks you guys will be having sex by then, how does he see you getting from here to there?

I think you have to be honest with your H that you do not see yourself staying with him if there is no sex. But you are willing to work with him to find a way that is comfortable for him to return to having sex with you.

Make it clear that you understand he is angry and upset about the EA. But there is no reason to stay together if he can't forgive you and move forward together. That you would rather stay together, but you won't allow him to batter you with the EA for the rest of your life. So he tells you what, if anything, he needs you to do for him to forgive you. And you decide if you can and will do it. And then you either divorce or you do what he asks. And then he either forgives you or divorces you. But no staying in limbo.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You come here complaining about not getting sex from your husband, while screaming loudly about your right to refuse sex to him?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

It's ok. She found her audience.

OP you obviously did nothing wrong and your husband is weak to need faithfulness and compassion from a wife. He obviously didn't make you feel safe to share what was in your heart with him, but you did feel safe to share that with someone who was, comparatively, a stranger. That's ok. Again not your fault. Now your husband is being too weak to allow you to rug sweep the whole thing. What a pathetic man.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Confused84- Some people don't understand that trying to make you feel guilty isn't going to work.
> 
> I had an EA years ago, my H held it against me for a long time and we had no sex, rejection, etc until he eventually had a PA.
> 
> ...


There is an enormous amount of wisdom in this post, with a couple of caveats. The first is that it is important to move beyond beating up over the past, but it takes time to get there. You have to give time. The second is, that the betraying spouse has to fix their stuff too. You can't just say, "this is all in the past" and not deal with the underlying issues.

I think from what you have written you get that, but I thought it was worth emphasising.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> And I'm also going to say- Do NOT quit your job.
> Keep looking for a new one but do not become even more stuck and dependent in a situation that is so rocky.
> 
> In fact, I would start making progress towards being more independent. Try to find a higher paying job where you could afford to be on your own and start saving some money for a possible divorce. Look at what apartments would be, make a budget for what you would need.
> A lot of this fighting is a power struggle. If you are ready and able to leave if this does not change it can make a difference in his willingness to try.


I agree about independence 100%, but it raises a question.

If OP loses her job for whatever reason (the company goes bust, someone takes a dislike to her and gets her fired, whatever) what is she going to do? She's been looking for another job for three years and can't find one. That's not a good position to be in.

OP, what was the nature of the sexual harassment argument against your affair partner? What was his relationship to you professionally?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

thank you for the continued support. it has been twice now that he has shot me down after a talk "both of which i brought up". he only brings it up when he sees the other man. the other man goes to the same gym he does and at times they cross paths, and i have to hear about it when he comes home from work. i really feel at this point he is just trying to be mean and hold me hostage with this situation. it's over, in the past, GET OVER IT FINALLY. i was trying to be nice and understanding, but i really think i should leave at this point. i deserve so much better than being sexually neglected like this. i love him, but i need a sex life.

it seems like no matter what i try he shoots me down or ignores me. i can't win at this game and am just running in circles at this point. hell, i tried to give him a bj last night which i never do and he said he had to go to bed. after prying and asking what was wrong he said he just felt uncomfortable with the aspect of having sex with me. he said it would be like having sex with a really close friend you love. i'm hurt that he feels this way, but think it's time to look at my future without him possibly.

I HAVE TOLD HIM MANY TIMES, I JUST WANT TO BE TAKEN! Come home from work, or whatever it is your doing and just take me, but he won't do it.

my h simply called in and said he wanted to file a sexual harassment charge against the other guy. he got yelled at about it and i got scared for my job because i did not want the drama in the workplace and i didn't open the case.

i DO see the other man every day, but only say a hello and good bye in passing, THAT IS ALL, IT'S NO BIG DEAL!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am so glad to hear this.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I really like the post by the OP. She finally went ahead and said what she wanted all of us to tell her from the start.

That she deserves better and must leave this husband of hers.

So I really like her post and wish her (HUSBAND) the very best for his future.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

jld said:


> I am so glad to hear this.


Thank you especially for your support and help. he simply wont look at himself and say "what did i do to cause this mess for myself, but would rather point the finger at me.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

im_tam said:


> I really like the post by the OP. She finally went ahead and said what she wanted all of us to tell her from the start.
> 
> That she deserves better and must leave this husband of hers.
> 
> So I really like her post and wish her (HUSBAND) the very best for his future.


Doubt he would have much luck if he treats women like he treats me...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Thank you especially for your support and help. he simply wont look at himself and say "what did i do to cause this mess for myself, but would rather point the finger at me.


And that is exactly the problem.

So happy for you, dear. When you let go of the one who does not love you, it allows one who will love you to come in.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> thank you for the continued support. it has been twice now that he has shot me down after a talk "both of which i brought up". he only brings it up when he sees the other man. the other man goes to the same gym he does and at times they cross paths, and i have to hear about it when he comes home from work. i really feel at this point he is just trying to be mean and hold me hostage with this situation. it's over, in the past, GET OVER IT FINALLY. i was trying to be nice and understanding, but i really think i should leave at this point. i deserve so much better than being sexually neglected like this. i love him, but i need a sex life.
> 
> it seems like no matter what i try he shoots me down or ignores me. i can't win at this game and am just running in circles at this point. hell, i tried to give him a bj last night which i never do and he said he had to go to bed. after prying and asking what was wrong he said he just felt uncomfortable with the aspect of having sex with me. he said it would be like having sex with a really close friend you love. i'm hurt that he feels this way, but think it's time to look at my future without him possibly.
> 
> ...


It really does seem as if your husband no longer finds you attractive. I think there is a lot of evidence in this post that what you thought you knew about men just wanting to get off, separated from emotion, is patently false. Unfortunately, you had to learn it the hard way, and a little too late, but hopefully you have learned it, and it will be helpful knowledge in your future relationships.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

jld said:


> And that is exactly the problem.
> 
> So happy for you, dear. When you let go of the one who does not love you, it allows one who will love you to come in.


That's good advice, and equally applicable to both of them.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yes he's not worthy! She's the absolute pinnacle of wifedom!


There's everyone. Then there is dug and jld fantasy land.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I just spent a couple of hours catching up on your thread OP and I think others have done a great job of describing the possible scenarios that you could be facing with your husband. His rejection of you could be passive aggressiveness or genuine hurt like @EleGirl and @SlowlyGoingCrazy have stated, or it could be that your husband expects you to be the emotional leader in the relationship as @jld explained, but assuming your husband is genuinely hurt by your past actions, then I think @Fozzy did a great job of defining your problem. 



Fozzy said:


> *you two aren't on the same page with how you communicate emotionally. If your marriage is going to have a shot at getting over resentment, you each need to start being able to interpret each other's love languages better, and stop seeing things through your own lenses.*


Your husband's "lifeline" is the albatross around your neck and vice versa. In order for him to want sex he has to discuss the EA which only makes you depressed and, understandably, not sexy. But not talking about the EA makes him emotionally disconnect from you and not want sex. You've been stuck in this vicious cycle for _three _years now with no end in sight. 

Although my situation was not infidelity related, I have been stuck in this cycle where my husband's lifeline was my albatross. I can tell you from experience that there's really only one way to stop it and that's by going _all in_. 

You've received lots of suggestions, all with pros and cons. If you wish to break the cycle, you will have to decide which approach you believe will work best for you and then dig deep for emotional strength, faith in your husband, and confidence in yourself to see it through 100%. It literally is an all or nothing endeavor. 

Please note that you might do everything right but it still may fail. It may be too little to late for him, or the process may end of causing you to resent him which will in and of itself spin you into another cycle. However, trying something is better than trying nothing. Big risk = Big reward.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Whoops, I was typing up my earlier post while you were typing your latest update OP. It doesn't sound encouraging. 

Thinking outside the box here, but do you think he gets off on hearing about the EA with the OM, or the drama of the whole thing? Stranger things have happened.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> Doubt he would have much luck if he treats women like he treats me...


I thought he is a wonderful man, that you love very much?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> I thought he is a wonderful man, that you love very much?


jld and Dug convinced her otherwise, or at least they confirmed what she was really feeling.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> my h simply called in and said he wanted to file a sexual harassment charge against the other guy. he got yelled at about it and i got scared for my job because i did not want the drama in the workplace and i didn't open the case.
> 
> i DO see the other man every day, but only say a hello and good bye in passing, THAT IS ALL, IT'S NO BIG DEAL!


You see the other guy every day. You speak to him every day.

A lot of people who know about recovering from affairs would say that is a very big deal indeed. If you read up on the notion of no contact it might give you some ideas.

What is your professional relationship with the other guy? Team member? He works for you? You work for him?

We need to understand the details to help.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

See every time he brings it up is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other ma is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other man.

is this a trigger ? I find it very hard to believe after three long years it's still a trigger. Again as some have said MOVE ON.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wazza said:


> You see the other guy every day. You speak to him every day.
> 
> A lot of people who know about recovering from affairs would say that is a very big deal indeed. If you read up on the notion of no contact it might give you some ideas.
> 
> ...


Don't forget the husband sees the other man regularly at the gym too...and as unfair as it is that his wife put him in this position, I think the husband here absolutely needs to find another gym, and do so with minimal resentment towards his wife for putting him in that position.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> See every time he brings it up is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other ma is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other man.
> 
> is this a trigger ? I find it very hard to believe after three long years it's still a trigger. Again as some have said MOVE ON.


Given the fact that you are demonstrably totally ignorant of the tie many, if not most men have between sex and emotion, it would be wise to assume that you are equally ignorant in other areas of how many men work, and proceed as if everything you thought you knew was wrong. I assure you, that will help you in your future relationships.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> See every time he brings it up is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other ma is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other man.
> 
> is this a trigger ? I find it very hard to believe after three long years it's still a trigger. Again as some have said MOVE ON.



Of course it's still a trigger. You see the om every day and you chose your job over your marriage. How could your husband trust you? You know you wouldn't trust him if the tables were turned. You already demonstrated that when you refused him when first 'trying' to reconcile.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Don't forget the husband sees the other man regularly at the gym too...and as unfair as it is that his wife put him in this position, I think the husband here absolutely needs to find another gym, and do so with minimal resentment towards his wife for putting him in that position.


Yeah, I agree.

OP--do you and your husband live in a very small town with only one gym and one place to work?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Jld, dug, and The marriage counselor all see the same do The marriage counselor all see the same view rather than poor h.

All three of them see what he is putting me through and how hard this has been on me.

I do love him but I just don't see another man putting me through this kind of torment and torture. but I just don't see another man putting me through this kind of torment and torture 

For those of you to think it matters The other man works in another department across the building. I only see him around lunch but I am on my way to the cafeteria


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Come on guys, if a husband came on here after being sexually rejected for something that happened 3 years ago and the only time he was offered sex was after being berated and insulted beforehand, the responses would not be so harsh. 

Let's not scare away new posters. She came here for support and help. No one here is perfect, there are things everyone can work on but no one actually listens and learns anything from "tough love" and harsh words. 

And jld and dug are a happy couple and can offer support from a different POV than most at TAM. Don't discourage posters just because they don't fit in the typical response. Sometimes it's what's needed and maybe we'd have even more variety of posters if they weren't jumped on and scared away so quickly. 

I hate seeing all the negativity towards them, it's unnecessary and not productive for a healthy conversation and community.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> See every time he brings it up is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other ma is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other man.
> 
> is this a trigger ? I find it very hard to believe after three long years it's still a trigger. Again as some have said MOVE ON.


It's obviously a trigger and probably will be for the rest of his life. Sorry, but that's how it goes when you're cheated on. So now that you know it's a trigger, you do realize how much it would mean to him if you quit your job, right? And as @samyeager said, you now also realize how men's emotions ARE tied to sex, right? 

If you want to save your marriage you need to quit your job and show your husband you're serious. As long as he knows you see the OM every day he's not going to want to have sex with you.

Also, how in the world is it legal/accepted for someone not employed by a company to file a sexual harassment claim on an employee?? I don't get that.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Come on guys, if a husband came on here after being sexually rejected for something that happened 3 years ago and the only time he was offered sex was after being berated and insulted beforehand, the responses would not be so harsh.


Rug sweeping is rug sweeping no matter the gender.

OP has no excuse for not finding another job when her husband makes 160K a year and they have no kids.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> Jld, dug, and The marriage counselor all see the same do The marriage counselor all see the same view rather than poor h.
> 
> All three of them see what he is putting me through and how hard this has been on me.
> 
> ...


This, I can agree with. I think most men would have left you long ago, and saved their dignity in the process.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> See every time he brings it up is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other ma is literally when he comes home right after the gym and see the other man.
> 
> is this a trigger ? I find it very hard to believe after three long years it's still a trigger. Again as some have said MOVE ON.


you have no concept of how it feels. My wife's affair was over 25 years ago and I still trigger sometimes.

I know it hurts but a lot of people are telling you that you need to do more. I think you need to take them seriously, or leave. it's not going to just blow over. That isn't how it works.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Jld, dug, and The marriage counselor all see the same do The marriage counselor all see the same view rather than poor h.
> 
> All three of them see what he is putting me through and how hard this has been on me.
> 
> ...


You're right. Many men would have left you for your betrayal or shortly after when you refused to re-bond with him by having sex.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> thank you for the continued support. it has been twice now that he has shot me down after a talk "both of which i brought up". he only brings it up when he sees the other man. the other man goes to the same gym he does and at times they cross paths, and i have to hear about it when he comes home from work. *i really feel at this point he is just trying to be mean and hold me hostage with this situation. it's over, in the past, GET OVER IT FINALLY. i was trying to be nice and understanding, but i really think i should leave at this point.* i deserve so much better than being sexually neglected like this. i love him, but i need a sex life.
> 
> it seems like no matter what i try he shoots me down or ignores me. i can't win at this game and am just running in circles at this point. hell, i tried to give him a bj last night which i never do and he said he had to go to bed. after prying and asking what was wrong he said he just felt uncomfortable with the aspect of having sex with me. he said it would be like having sex with a really close friend you love. i'm hurt that he feels this way, but think it's time to look at my future without him possibly.
> 
> ...


I'm so glad to see that you're beginning to lean toward divorce.

Here's a free tip...

Once you cheat on your next husband, just leave him. You're not cut out for reconciliation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> You're right. *Many men would have left you for your betrayal or shortly after when you refused to re-bond with him by having sex.*


Yep. Exactly.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

A job is a job and I like mine. AGAIN as others have also said she needs to be the one to make a change here there's nothing more I can do.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> A job is a job and I like mine. AGAIN as others have also said *she* needs to be the one to make a change here there's nothing more I can do.


Typo, I assume?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

I told you all I needed time to re-bond with my h on an emotional level and feel appreciated and loved. on an emotional level and feel appreciated and loved. He finally started making that effort after I told him this is why he was not getting fax I felt no connection with him at all because you been so mean to me for so long. I felt as if I had to walk on eggshells so to speak. Not really intimacy inducing vibes...


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Yes that was a typo he needs to be the one to make the changes o yes that was a typo he needs to be the one to make the changes at this point.

I will say yes it was my choice to seek someone outside of my marriage but it was his fault for pushing me there through his actions.

In short he brought this upon himself and cause his own pain


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> is this a trigger ? I find it very hard to believe after three long years it's still a trigger. Again as some have said MOVE ON.


You can move on ONLY if the issue has been resolved, and you starting clean. You are saying "I'm sorry for the affair", while your actions say "come on now, dont' be so whiny about it. no biggie". That's why he can not get over it, because he feels your insincerity.

I am not saying your husband is a wonderful man. I do not know that. I believe that people usually do not go for EA if things are peachy in their marriage. But still - you looked to another man for support, instead of having real hard conversation with your husband and trying to fix things. This is something you need to own. He needs to own and analyze what did he do wrong to push you away. AT this point neither one of you wants to do that. You are in a circle of blaming your problems on each other. You can only start with you.
although at this point I think it is getting too late to do anything. 

And comes from the person, who cheated in the past.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

How much do you make in your current job?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

$11 per hour.

If you reread so my previous posts you will see that i admit i was wrong but he pushed me into that position.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> Yes that was a typo he needs to be the one to make the changes o yes that was a typo he needs to be the one to make the changes at this point.
> 
> I will say yes it was my choice to seek someone outside of my marriage but it was his fault for pushing me there through his actions.
> 
> In short he brought this upon himself and cause his own pain


And this in short is why your marriage is done.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> $11 per hour.
> 
> If you reread so my previous posts you will see that i admit i was wrong but he pushed me into that position.


Confused, going forward, do you have the possibility of making more money at your company or a nearby one? Could you get some specialized training for a better paying job?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Does anyone know how hard it is to get the house, and alimony if i file for d first? Being that i make so little anyway.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

I have a degree but no experience so nobody will hire me because they will tell me I don't have experience. Its dumb


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> Does anyone know how hard it is to get the house, and alimony if i file for d first? Being that i make so little anyway.


You may want to start a thread in the Considering Divorce or Separation section. There are some people who know about the legal process that post there.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

You are burning everything for a job that pays so little. Just what kind of a niche job is it that you cannot find another place of employment easily.

Don't you have some one in your family who can do what you need. A good solid kick into the place called reality.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> $11 per hour.
> 
> If you reread so my previous posts you will see that i admit i was wrong but he pushed me into that position.


And what did you do to cause him to push you into that position?


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

I like the people I work with and the job market in the area we live and is very bad. I have tried to get a job elsewhere.

It was stress caused by his job which he openly admitted even counseling.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

So in short he was taking his work stress out on me


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

So in short he was taking his work stress out on me


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> *A job is a job and I like mine.* AGAIN as others have also said she needs to be the one to make a change here there's nothing more I can do.


Clearly. You like it so much, in fact, that you value it more than you do your husband and marriage.

And I'm pretty sure that your husband has arrived at the same conclusion.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

What happens if I quit my job and he still divorces me ? Then I no longer just get divorced but I lose everything because of no job


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> What happens if I quit my job and he still divorces me ? Then I no longer just get divorced but I lose everything because of no job


Given the conclusion you have come to regarding your affair actually being his fault, or at least him forcing you into another mans arms, my advice is for you to absolutely keep your job.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Low paying jobs are not really that hard to find. If he does divorce you then you move out and live with your parents. You may get a little alimony. Use that to improve your skills. Then move out and go to a city with a better job market.

Just curious... What ethnic group are you?
You sound so much like an entitled Indian or Pakistani girl!


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

We are White. I am going to sit down with him tonight and recommend he changes Gyms to see if that maybe will help.

At this point only he can stop his pain and suffering.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> At this point only he can stop his pain and suffering.


I would largely agree with that. 

You can be supportive, but he needs to take responsibility for his feelings. It is risky to expect others to caretake us emotionally.

It is possible that when you make it known that you are leaving, he may reconsider his treatment of you the last several months, and want to try again. You might want to think about how you would react to that.

Again, I think you should start a thread in the Considering Divorce or Separation section.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jld said:


> I would largely agree with that.
> 
> You can be supportive, but he needs to take responsibility for his feelings. It is risky to expect others to caretake us emotionally.
> 
> ...


She should also be prepared to see a level of cooperation and enthusiasm she hasn't seen since her affair.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> What happens if I quit my job and he still divorces me ? Then I no longer just get divorced but I lose everything because of no job





samyeagar said:


> Given the conclusion you have come to regarding your affair actually being his fault, or at least him forcing you into another mans arms, my advice is for you to absolutely keep your job.


Agreed. The time for such consideration was in the minutes, hours, and days immediately following the discovery of your affair.

Quitting your job would've gone a long way to demonstrate your commitment to the reconciliation of your marriage to your husband.

No point now that you're leaning toward divorce.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> $11 per hour.
> 
> If you reread so my previous posts you will see that i admit i was wrong but he pushed me into that position.


As long as there is "but" in there it means you do not really own it. Him pushing you away was one problem. You going for EA another. 

Right now you basically saying "He made me do it". I get it, I was there one. I am just not sure if you have a maturity and capacity to ever leave that stage.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> Yes that was a typo he needs to be the one to make the changes o yes that was a typo he needs to be the one to make the changes at this point.
> 
> I will say yes it was my choice to seek someone outside of my marriage but it was his fault for pushing me there through his actions.
> 
> In short he brought this upon himself and cause his own pain


Are you venting your hurt, or is this really what you think?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> We are White. I am going to sit down with him tonight and recommend he changes Gyms to see if that maybe will help.
> 
> At this point only he can stop his pain and suffering.


LOL. You gonna quit your job as well?

Oh wait, nevermind. There's no point.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

In case you all haven't noticed this is turning more and more toward the unbelievable, dramatic and ridiculous. I suspected from the start but whatever.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> Does anyone know how hard it is to get the house, and alimony if i file for d first? Being that i make so little anyway.


Confused, do not threaten divorce unless you seriously plan on following through. Actually, don't threaten divorce....at all. If you are serious about divorce, then just do it quietly. By that I mean DO NOT tell a soul that you want to divorce. Not your family, not his family, and definitely not your friends. You are an adult and as such, this is a decision that you have to come to on your own. You can tell them once you've consulted with the lawyers and have begun the process. Involving loved ones is only going to add more stress to an already stressful decision. I also advocate to keep it to yourself in case you change your mind. 

When you look for an attorney, find one in your area that will provide you with a 1 hour free consult. You'll get a general idea of your legal rights and responsibilities (i.e. are you eligible for alimony, the splitting of marital asset/debts, etc...). 

Whatever you do, don't make rash decisions. Mull over the consequences you will suffer upon divorce be they financial, emotional, social, or psychological. Think about these BEFORE you decide to proceed with D. 

I personally don't blame you for choosing D but I would caution you to make sure you are truly done before going this route.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> I have a degree but no experience so nobody will hire me because they will tell me I don't have experience. Its dumb


No, it's not dumb, it's life. Everybody is guilty but you


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> We are White. I am going to sit down with him tonight and recommend he changes Gyms to see if that maybe will help.
> 
> At this point only he can stop his pain and suffering.


I know this is painful, but I want you to examine whether you have really done enough.

Make a list on what you have to do to get over infidelity, based on the reading you have done. Commonly recommended actions, the time it takes, and so on. Then mark the things you have done, and figure out where you are on the timeline. List out the suggestions made to you on this thread. Which of them have you taken on board?

You can do this on the thread if you like, or in private if it's easier. What's important is to look critically at how much effort you have actually made. At the very least, that list will show you have missed some commonly recommended basics.

I'm sorry that it hurts, but I am older. I have seen this scenario play out in friends' marriages, and come close to living it myself. If you don't address the problems, the marriage will not survive. And the more you avoid dealing, the more painful the end is. 

I know it hurts, I also think that's why it helps you when JLD tells you it's all your husband's fault. And I am sure your husband wasn't perfect. But think about it. Were you perfect before the affair? Were your husband's failings really commensurate with you breaking your vows? Would he have been justified to have an affair based on whatever failings you had earlier in the marriage?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@confusedone84:

I feel that you are getting beat up a bit too much on this forum. If you are still reading your thread, I found this thread on the CWI forum which offers some advice to a man who was in a very similar situation to yours. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/241042-trying-make-amends-no-longer-know-what-do.html

Maybe you can use some of the advise that was given to that OP to help you with your situation. Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lila said:


> @confusedone84:
> 
> I feel that you are getting beat up a bit too much on this forum. If you are still reading your thread, I found this thread on the CWI forum which offers some advice to a man who was in a very similar situation to yours.
> 
> ...




Lol, bravo Lila!


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> Yes that was a typo he needs to be the one to make the changes o yes that was a typo he needs to be the one to make the changes at this point.
> 
> I will say yes it was my choice to seek someone outside of my marriage but it was his fault for pushing me there through his actions.
> 
> In short he brought this upon himself and cause his own pain


Prime example of not taking responsibility for what you did. 

As long as she keeps thinking like this, nobody in the world can help her. 

All she is seeking to do is confirm what she believes.... not looking for any real help.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> In case you all haven't noticed this is turning more and more toward the unbelievable, dramatic and ridiculous. I suspected from the start but whatever.


I noticed a few pages ago. Story started changing....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lila said:


> @confusedone84:
> 
> I feel that you are getting beat up a bit too much on this forum. If you are still reading your thread, I found this thread on the CWI forum which offers some advice to a man who was in a very similar situation to yours.
> 
> ...


Just for giggles I thought I would copy and paste some of the advice from the thread Lila mentioned, to see how well it fits in this thread. Sexless marriage...check. Emotional affair....check. Problems in marriage prior to affair....check.


I wonder what's different?



> Remember, just because you don't want sex, doesn't mean I have to give it up. Hey, I don't have to go through a life altering event, loss of kids, financial hardships, etc., of divorce if you willfully cut me off and I can get it some place else without you knowing it.






> Its not ok but if you are a good mate, surely that lowers the odds of being cheated on.





> The problems in the OP's marriage pre-date his texting other women. So you can't lay all the problems at his feet based on what he has told us so far. Yes, he made a mistake by texting these other women and there is NO excuse for that. But his wife is avoidant when it comes to working on their problems and there is NO excuse for that.






> People do a lot of stuff that's not justified. Cheating is one of them. And both men and women do it. Justification and incentive are two different dogs.If the truth were told, how many men in "sexless" marriages would turn down a tryst with Penelope Cruz or women, Chris Hemsworth, or their choice, if there was absolutely no way anybody would ever find out? We're talking the way the world is; not the way it ought to be.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Personal said:


> Although I've never been in a sexless marriage, while married and otherwise partnered I actually have turned down more than one tryst with some extraordinarily attractive women in circumstances where no one would have found out.


came home made dinner, then while he was in the shower i dressed up in some lingerie. He got out and I was in the bed waiting for him. i came up to him and said i was already warmed up and ready for him. he just looked at me and said "not tonight honey, i have a really bad headache". he told me tonight that he is VERY uncomfortable with me when it comes to sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedone84 said:


> came home made dinner, then while he was in the shower i dressed up in some lingerie. He got out and I was in the bed waiting for him. i came up to him and said i was already warmed up and ready for him. he just looked at me and said "not tonight honey, i have a really bad headache". he told me tonight that he is VERY uncomfortable with me when it comes to sex.


You knew that he would react that way. I think for a while, you need to stop trying to initiate sex. He's told you in many ways that he does not want to have sex with you. 

I think it's time for you to look into a divorce. Find out what your rights are. If we knew your state some of us might be able to give you some info.


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## Pennyam (Oct 13, 2015)

I have the same issue with my husband. He doesn't want to have sex with me. He never starts anything. It's always me. Tonight is my third night on the couch. I'm tired of laying beside him feeling rejected. He works a lot now but it's been going on way before the longer hours started. And I can't believe that he thinks I'm going to put up with it. And it pisses me off when he pats me on my butt and says he loves me and he's sorry. He can't keep his eyes off younger women. So he's cheating. I don't care what he says. And if I bring it up he explodes. People tell me to not let it get to me but how? I'm not that strong. I hate him. I loathe him and I've been thinking about cheating too. Why not? He does. He's a narcissistic.


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## Pennyam (Oct 13, 2015)

I've worn sexy outfits and he ignores me. I've sent him flowers at work to congratulate him on his promotion. Nothing from him. We don't kiss or hug. There is no romance. I'm fed up and seriously considering finding a lover.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Pennyam said:


> I've worn sexy outfits and he ignores me. I've sent him flowers at work to congratulate him on his promotion. Nothing from him. We don't kiss or hug. There is no romance. I'm fed up and seriously considering finding a lover.


Sing it sister!

Before you find a lover, find a lawyer. Really what would you want to stay married to this guy for? Dump him!

It would be much better if you dump this scmuck so that you are free and clear to have hot wild monkey sex with Thor the body builder in the kitchen, in the living room, in the back yard.... But you have to come back and tell us all about it!!!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

This is a horrible thread. OP is remorseless, continues to work with AP, BH runs into POSOM ramdomly at the gym, WW thinks he should just get over it, BH is seething with resentment due to her complete lack of remorse and is at the ILUBINILWY phase of the meltdown of his marriage, TAM cheerleaders are saying "you go girl he's such a loser for being a crushed soul" and to top it off OPs REAL concern is keeping the house in a divorce.

If you TAM guys can stop being triggered by this nightmarish situation long enough to let OP know she is behaving like a spoiled little girl and her BH is damaged almost beyond repair you'll be doing get a great favor.

Wow this seems almost trollish


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Of course it's still a trigger. You see the om every day and you chose your job over your marriage. How could your husband trust you? You know you wouldn't trust him if the tables were turned. You already demonstrated that when you refused him when first 'trying' to reconcile.


If he's convinced she eff'd the guy, dang straight he'd trigger three years later.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> I told you all I needed time to re-bond with my h on an emotional level and feel appreciated and loved. on an emotional level and feel appreciated and loved. He finally started making that effort after I told him this is why he was not getting fax I felt no connection with him at all because you been so mean to me for so long. I felt as if I had to walk on eggshells so to speak. Not really intimacy inducing vibes...


-your pissy because hubby was upset at you because you would not have sex with him after telling him you had the hots for some other dude you work with that you still see daily and refuse to quit seeing because you like your job.

Its clear to me and definitely your hubby this job with OM is more important than him or your marriage. its all about you.......narcissist much?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> WorkingOnMe said:
> 
> 
> > Of course it's still a trigger. You see the om every day and you chose your job over your marriage. How could your husband trust you? You know you wouldn't trust him if the tables were turned. You already demonstrated that when you refused him when first 'trying' to reconcile.
> ...


She tells hubby she has a thing for the guy, continues working with him and starts refusing sex to her husband.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Pennyam said:


> I have the same issue with my husband. He doesn't want to have sex with me. He never starts anything. It's always me. Tonight is my third night on the couch. I'm tired of laying beside him feeling rejected. He works a lot now but it's been going on way before the longer hours started. And I can't believe that he thinks I'm going to put up with it. And it pisses me off when he pats me on my butt and says he loves me and he's sorry. He can't keep his eyes off younger women. So he's cheating. I don't care what he says. And if I bring it up he explodes. People tell me to not let it get to me but how? I'm not that strong. I hate him. I loathe him and I've been thinking about cheating too. Why not? He does. He's a narcissistic.


Pennyam - please start a new thread. That way people can directly help you and you won't be Thread jacking this one


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Just trying to understand a few things about your situation. OP, can you comment on the following?

From your original post 3 years ago: 
You lost your job. No money, husband has very low paying job, you have to live with your parents. But you apparently got a new job right away because you started an affair with CoW. 

Now:
you have a job you love although only $11/hour after 3 years? 
Your husband makes $160K. How did that happen in 3 short years when he was making so little before? 

In the 3 years since the affair, you bought a house? Even in this state of questionable reconciliation?

Also, how long after your affair did you continue to reject sex with your husband? Weeks, months, years? That is important to know to understand from his view why he might not want sex now with you. How long it took you to want him back after your affair might have greatly affected his feelings for you/resentment about your treatment if him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pennyam,

Please start your own thread where people can give you input on your own situation.

And I agree with Anon Pink, divorce him. Then you can do whatever you want without lowering yourself to being a cheater.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

Abc123wife said:


> Just trying to understand a few things about your situation. OP, can you comment on the following?
> 
> From your original post 3 years ago:
> You lost your job. No money, husband has very low paying job, you have to live with your parents. But you apparently got a new job right away because you started an affair with CoW.
> ...


He left his old job and got a job as a senior architect. He was under appreciated at his job and it was the driving factor in his negative attitude and anger. Once he left his mood completely changed for the better and we began to get closer. It was during this time I was able to start bonding with him again. We bought a house because we were completely fine with the exception of the sex. It took about 6 months for me to see he was truly sorry for his actions and he was going to change. I was scared he would be the same angry, negative person so I didn't want to bond with him thus the rejection. He would apologize to me almost daily and showed me how much he cared over those months and I realized at that time he was sincere.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

confusedone84 said:


> He left his old job and got a job with _________ as a senior architect. He was under appreciated at his job and it was the driving factor in his negative attitude and anger. Once he left his mood completely changed for the better and we began to get closer. It was during this time I was able to start bonding with him again. We bought a house because we were completely fine with the exception of the sex. It took about 6 months for me to see he was truly sorry for his actions and he was going to change. I was scared he would be the same angry, negative person so I didn't want to bond with him thus the rejection. He would apologize to me almost daily and showed me how much he cared over those months and I realized at that time he was sincere.


Did you seriously just tell the interwebs where your husband is employed?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

STR, how about just telling her in a pm that it would be wise to remove the name of his employer?

You could delete your message now, since she has deleted the name.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jld said:


> STR, how about just telling her in a pm that it would be wise to remove the name of his employer?
> 
> You could delete your message now, since she has deleted the name.


I edited my post to remove the company name.

And I edited THIS post to correct my typo!


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> It took about 6 months for me to see he was truly sorry for his actions and he was going to change. I was scared he would be the same angry, negative person so I didn't want to bond with him thus the rejection. He would apologize to me almost daily and showed me how much he cared over those months and I realized at that time he was sincere.


??? I am so confused. It took YOU six months to get over his actions? Aren't you the one who had the affair? 

No wonder he wants nothing to do with you. You have this twisted thinking he is at fault for you cheating. You lied to him when you were caught and kept messaging your AP. You rejected him sexually for another 6 months until you recovered from his actions. So now he is taking his time to recover from your far worse actions. Why do you think he isn't entitled to his time to recover now?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Abc123wife said:


> confusedone84 said:
> 
> 
> > It took about 6 months for me to see he was truly sorry for his actions and he was going to change. I was scared he would be the same angry, negative person so I didn't want to bond with him thus the rejection. He would apologize to me almost daily and showed me how much he cared over those months and I realized at that time he was sincere.
> ...


Because she's horny.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I think even just the thread right below has a different tone. 
(Man "in love" with emotional affair from work and not his wife vs. Woman had emotional affair 3 years ago)
and it's not just that thread, there's others that have had scattered posters with more understanding about his situation than this OP.

There's less of "how dare you, you horrible evil person for not quitting your job for your marriage!!" and more "well, her being LD and a little chubby has contributed to you feeling this way"

So when jld says that this OP's husband has had some blame in her developing feelings for another man= she and her husband are in lala land and gets jumped on

Someone says that OP's wife has had some blame in him developing feelings for another woman= normal?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I haven't read the other threads but since they have nothing to do with this OP the advice and tone are surely going to be different.

I think the issue here is that she's here saying, I had an EA and sexually rejected my H but I'm over that now and he should be too. It's the part where she demands (IMO) that he be over any hurt that he was feeling but hasn't really told us how she has tried to help him get over it. It's been all about what she needed then and what she needs now and he just needs to get on board. 

At least that's the part that rubs me wrong.

For the record, I think her H does need to get over it or end it. She's done what she is willing do to make amends to him, I don't know what that is but it's clear she isn't wanting to do any more, so he should accept that this is who he married and go from there.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

OTOH, JLD and Doug's philosophy that no matter how a woman is behaving it's her husband who has caused her behavior is beyond insane IMO.

*I believe* a guy could come here and say my wife will randomly throw things at me and punches me in the face while I'm asleep and they would ask which of her needs he is neglecting. And if that need happens to be the need to throw things and punch people in the face, she should leave him if he cant handle it as he isn't worthy of her to begin with.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I Don't Know said:


> For the record, I think her H does need to get over it or end it. She's done what she is willing do to make amends to him, I don't know what that is but it's clear she isn't wanting to do any more, so he should accept that this is who he married and go from there.


True. I think most of us agree she hasn't done the right things the right way with the right amount of sincerity. But she's clearly indicated she won't so he either accepts her half-hearted effort or divorces her.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> True. I think most of us agree she hasn't done the right things the right way with the right amount of sincerity. But she's clearly indicated she won't so he either accepts her half-hearted effort or divorces her.


Yep, they both have a lot of soul searching to do.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> Yep, they both have a lot of soul searching to do.


Soul searching doesn't happen without accountability, and discomfort.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I think even just the thread right below has a different tone.
> (Man "in love" with emotional affair from work and not his wife vs. Woman had emotional affair 3 years ago)
> and it's not just that thread, there's others that have had scattered posters with more understanding about his situation than this OP.
> 
> ...


Your spouse can push you to the brink but the decision to step out is solely up to you. You've got 3 choices, fix it(if possible), leave, or cheat. 


It's a Neverending cycle when you start blaming spouses and comparing hurts. 

He treated me like crap so I cheated. "
" I treated you like crap because you hit me"
"I hit you because you yelled at me" etc.... 

It's a stupid example but you get it. That's why you need to be responsible for what you do. 

Work it out, if you can't leave


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

I just read through all 18 pages of this post and wow. My Wife was JUST LIKE YOU and I finally ended up leaving her. She actually hooked up with the OM and they have a kid together now. I personally decided to stay away from relationships for many years to come and have found my job has reaped the rewards. I hope that he wakes up as well like I did and realizes life can be much better without having to worry about someone else all the time.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't think OP is coming back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that she's not coming back.. another one chased away


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'll be blunt....

I blame JLD and her hubby. Their advice is so counter to 99.7% of most people. I'm glad that what they do works for them, but it doesn't for the bulk of men out there. They raise controversy and end up riling the bulk of the board until it is a firehose aimed at the OP. 

The OP needed a little tough love, but it turned out to be too much.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> I'll be blunt....
> 
> I blame JLD and her hubby. Their advice is so counter to 99.7% of most people. I'm glad that what they do works for them, but it doesn't for the bulk of men out there. They raise controversy and end up riling the bulk of the board until it is a firehose aimed at the OP.
> 
> The OP needed a little tough love, but it turned out to be too much.


We need opinions from all kinds here, not just the 99.7% who jump on the same bandwagon of "tough love" and "lets take our anger out on this girl because we are mad about out own marriage"

There's still a huge difference in the advice given to a woman vs. a man in the same situation on this board and I don't see you blaming anyone on those threads for not just condemning the OP and giving him "tough love"


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

larry.gray said:


> I'll be blunt....
> 
> I blame JLD and her hubby. Their advice is so counter to 99.7% of most people. I'm glad that what they do works for them, but it doesn't for the bulk of men out there. They raise controversy and end up riling the bulk of the board until it is a firehose aimed at the OP.
> 
> The OP needed a little tough love, but it turned out to be too much.


This is very unfortunate but true. Ideally a variety of opinions would be available, but the unrelenting and repetitive posts of a single opinion by a single poster which are counter to the experience of a number of other people turns away most people I would think.

Fortunately, I've implemented the ignore function.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> I'll be blunt....
> 
> I blame JLD and her hubby. Their advice is so counter to 99.7% of most people. I'm glad that what they do works for them, but it doesn't for the bulk of men out there. They raise controversy and end up riling the bulk of the board until it is a firehose aimed at the OP.
> 
> The OP needed a little tough love, but it turned out to be too much.


Just because 99.7% share the same opinion doesn't make it more right than the opinion of the 0.03%. This is the beauty of an open forum made up of people with zero professional experience in marital or independent counseling. You get what you pay for.

JLD and Dug DO NOT create controversy on TAM. In actuality the bulk of the board can't let JLD and Dug's advice go without controversy. Big difference. People would rather denigrate JLD and Dug's advice than convince the OP directly that their approach is the right one. My 2 cents.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> Just because 99.7% share the same opinion doesn't make it more right than the opinion of the 0.03%. This is the beauty of an open forum made up of people with zero professional experience in marital or independent counseling. You get what you pay for.
> 
> JLD and Dug DO NOT create controversy on TAM. In actuality the bulk of the board can't let JLD and Dug's advice go without controversy. Big difference. People would rather denigrate JLD and Dug's advice than convince the OP directly that their approach is the right one. My 2 cents.


An open forum with a variety of opinions is a good thing for sure.

It is no secret to the regulars here who have been around for a while that jld and dug's views are very much outliers. Their relationship does not resemble most relationships.

Most of the posters who come here for advice have more mainstream relationships with problems that are very common, differing only in the details, and the advice that jld and dug give is often counter to a regular marital dynamic, and can be very damaging if unknowingly applied to a normal marital issue.

While I certainly support their right to contribute here, and find their input fascinating, I think it is also important for people to fully understand the context in which their advice is coming from.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think our advice is damaging, except maybe to male pride. We both think pride in general is a big stumbling block in marriage.

The crowd was beating on confused long before we saw this thread. It is interesting, though, how upsetting a different opinion held by one or two people can be to other posters.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Most of the posters who come here for advice have more mainstream relationships with problems that are very common, differing only in the details, and the advice that jld and dug give is often counter to a regular marital dynamic, and *can be very damaging if unknowingly applied to a normal marital issue*.
> 
> While I certainly support their right to contribute here, and find their input fascinating, *I think it is also important for people to fully understand the context in which their advice is coming from.*


I think people who come here asking for advice know exactly what they are getting.....advice from anonymous people who may or may not be exactly what they portray themselves to be. 

None of us come with credentials or a resume attached to our user IDs. As such, I think taking it upon ourselves to provide 'context' to someone else's advice is what causes the debates that are so very common on TAM. 

The best way to avoid in-fighting (which results in scaring the OP away),is to let OP do their own due diligence prior to accepting counseling from an anonymous source.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Yep, the reason why so many people are on the same page here is because anyone who isn't gets chased away. It's not because it's the universally true opinion. The fact is the standard "man up/mmslp/180/she's probably cheating" advice here wouldn't work on the bulk of relationships either but you still see that same advice over and over. 

Not everything that jld suggests would fit into my life but I can certainly appreciate her tenacity and passion here. You can tell she comes from a place of care and compassion rather than bitterness. 

and ITA with Lila. We just finished an election here and a lot of times I felt like "stop telling me why NOT to vote for that guy and tell me why I SHOULD vote for you!" I feel the same here. JLD gives her experience and her opinion and instead of giving your own they just undermine her and try to discredit her. It makes them look weak.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> I don't think our advice is damaging, except maybe to male pride. We both think pride in general is a big stumbling block in marriage.
> 
> The crowd was beating on confused long before we saw this thread. It is interesting, though, how upsetting a different opinion held by one or two people can be to other posters.


I think there's a difference between trying to help someone help themselves and trying to make someone be just like you.

There's also inciting controversy for it's own sake, which helps no one, but sure gets people's attention.

Which was perhaps the reason all along.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

marduk said:


> I think there's a difference between trying to help someone help themselves and trying to make someone be just like you.
> 
> There's also inciting controversy for it's own sake, which helps no one, but sure gets people's attention.
> 
> Which was perhaps the reason all along.


I think what can help someone help themselves is subject to personal opinion.

And I understand that when a minority opinion is offered, it can feel threatening to the majority. It may call into question their own ego-protective, but perhaps self-limiting, beliefs.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> I think what can help someone help themselves is subject to personal opinion.
> 
> And I understand that when a minority opinion is offered, it can feel threatening to the majority. It may call into question their own ego-protective, but perhaps self-limiting, beliefs.


Insulting one group while coddling another is not the way to gain understanding or bring the two into some kind of harmony.

You seek discord.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

marduk said:


> I think there's a difference between trying to help someone help themselves and trying to make someone be just like you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It's a sport.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

marduk said:


> Insulting one group while coddling another is not the way to gain understanding or bring the two into some kind of harmony.
> 
> You seek discord.


Funny... I feel the same about many of the men here. They insult the women and coddle the men. They are just too darn nice to get the attentions of their money hungry, bait and switch wife.... 

I don't see a lot of understanding towards women and the various reasons they may have lost their desire from a few posters here, just the same advice and opinions over and over again. They just don't get jumped on like JLD does.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

marduk said:


> Insulting one group while coddling another is not the way to gain understanding or bring the two into some kind of harmony.
> 
> You seek discord.


Untrue.

You and I have been through this many times, Marduk. We have different fundamental beliefs about who is responsible for a marriage and how an affair should be handled. We simply see it differently.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

jld said:


> Untrue.
> 
> You and I have been through this many times, Marduk. We have different fundamental beliefs about who is responsible for a marriage and how an affair should be handled. We simply see it differently.


and the funny thing is there's so much "men need to be a leader" talk flying around. It's all good until you bring up "... and that means you are more responsible for the emotional health and well-being of the marriage"

So be a leader ... but don't take responsibility for anything.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> Untrue.
> 
> You and I have been through this many times, Marduk. We have different fundamental beliefs about who is responsible for a marriage and how an affair should be handled. We simply see it differently.


I don't think so.

There is a sanctimonious tone to what you post, jld. Especially when you recommend the person who had an affair take no accountability for it -- it invites many who have been touched by infidelity to come and weigh in. 

So it actually harms the person who's having the affair (in your case, women having affairs) doubly so because not taking accountability for it limits them seeing what has happened clearly. As well as triggering a bunch of guys who have been cheated on to come in and weigh in on it, which makes the OP freak out.

So again, I struggle to understand how any of that helps. 

Helps the OP, anyway.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

marduk said:


> I don't think so.
> 
> There is a sanctimonious tone to what you post, jld. Especially when you recommend the person who had an affair take no accountability for it -- it invites many who have been touched by infidelity to come and weigh in.
> 
> ...


She took responsibility, Marduk. She clearly said the EA was wrong and that she would never do it again.

We disagree on the origin of the affair, and who should lead the way out of it. Again, you and I have gone over this several times. 

We are all responsible for our own triggers. Learning to handle them makes us stronger in ourselves. Relying on other people not to trigger us makes us dependent on them. Not an empowering place to be.

And people were beating down on her for five pages before I ever posted.

She heard a different view than her needing to pick up her husband and heal him. She heard that he could take responsibility for his feelings and undertake his own healing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I would encourage you to examine your intentions and agenda, jld.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

And you the same, Marduk.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that she's not coming back.. another one chased away


Chased? Accountability is chasing?

Wide variety of opinions here and some that seem to not hold OP accountable for cheating or continued contact with her affair partner.

Some pretty basic concepts about cheating and recovery as well as working on restoring intimacy.

She was getting support from people who disagreed with her continued contact with OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> Just because 99.7% share the same opinion doesn't make it more right than the opinion of the 0.03%. This is the beauty of an open forum made up of people with zero professional experience in marital or independent counseling. You get what you pay for.
> 
> JLD and Dug DO NOT create controversy on TAM. In actuality the bulk of the board can't let JLD and Dug's advice go without controversy. Big difference. People would rather denigrate JLD and Dug's advice than convince the OP directly that their approach is the right one. My 2 cents.


I absolutely agree. Advising someone to give themselves a Tabasco enema for hemorrhoids should be allowed in an open forum. That advice does deserve any and all derision it gets however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I absolutely agree. Advising someone to give themselves a Tabasco enema for hemorrhoids should be allowed in an open forum. That advice does deserve any and all derision it gets however.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just puckered when I read that.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I absolutely agree. Advising someone to give themselves a Tabasco enema for hemorrhoids should be allowed in an open forum. That advice does deserve any and all derision it gets however.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then TAM will forever continue to be a place where OP's post and then disappear when the 'derisive' comments start getting slung about.

C'est La Vie at TAM.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> and the funny thing is there's so much "men need to be a leader" talk flying around. It's all good until you bring up "... and that means you are more responsible for the emotional health and well-being of the marriage"
> 
> So be a leader ... but don't take responsibility for anything.


There's a stark difference between being a leader and being a perpetual scapegoat.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Chased? Accountability is chasing?
> 
> Wide variety of opinions here and some that seem to not hold OP accountable for cheating or continued contact with her affair partner.
> 
> ...


1. There's no point in having a bunch of people yelling about the same thing. It gets beaten to death and there was a lot more going on than just that one thing.
She needed someone to listen to her, address her and not just focus on one aspect. JLD listened to her emotions, her feelings. 

2. There is a big difference between how women who have had EAs are treated than when men have - as pointed out by a few example threads on here. Until that has stopped and men are jumped on as much as JLD is when they go against the "tough love" grain, stop blaming JLD as the only opposing voice on here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> 1. There's no point in having a bunch of people yelling about the same thing. It gets beaten to death and there was a lot more going on than just that one thing.
> She needed someone to listen to her, address her and not just focus on one aspect. JLD listened to her emotions, her feelings.
> 
> 2. There is a big difference between how women who have had EAs are treated than when men have - as pointed out by a few example threads on here. Until that has stopped and men are jumped on as much as JLD is when they go against the "tough love" grain, stop blaming JLD as the only opposing voice on here.


I actually wasn't even considering jld in the post you quoted.

OP did something deadly, not just harmful, to her marriage. She continued to do something deadly by not going NC. It is basic.

You are part of causing gender fights because there are many men, myself included, that give similar advice regardless of gender. I am actually a little harder on men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> And you the same, Marduk.


Sincerely... I will if you will.

Just one final point and then I'll go quiet on this thread for a while.

It is very, very common for cheaters to swear that they will never do it again.

It is very much less common for it to actually _be_ the last time, especially when they are still even somewhat in contact with the affair partner.

Every book, video, or article I've ever read, and two MCs now have all said the same thing:

In either an EA or PA, contact with the affair partner must 100% stop.

Words are cheap. Easy confessions from a guilty conscience, as my buddy likes to say.

Actions are hard.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

marduk said:


> Sincerely... I will if you will.
> 
> Just one final point and then I'll go quiet on this thread for a while.
> 
> ...


I can believe it is _much easier_ when there is no contact. I do not think it is _impossible _when there is still minimum contact. 

I believe her when she says the EA is over. I believe she will never do it again. Her word is good enough for me.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Just caught up with this thread after learning of it on Gridcom's patch. I had difficulty believing that there was real person behind the OP's stunted reports about her life. However, suspending disbelief to address the controversy over approaches to dealing with reconciliation, the OP was conceited beyond hope. Everything she did seemed calculated to provoke. By her own admission she refused to do housework while her husband worked himself to death.

A socially awkward geek marries a college graduate who is unable to get anything but an minimum wage job while her husband pulls in $160,000. Really? Even if true, she'd have little prospect of alimony. An unhappily married guy with such earning power ought to do okay dating, but maybe he completely lacked self confidence. His frigid and then sexually aggressive wife must seem like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde to the poor guy.

I hope Grid does not waste time reading this thread.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> he simply wont look at himself and say "what did i do to cause this mess for myself, but would rather point the finger at me.





confusedone84 said:


> Doubt he would have much luck if he treats women like he treats me...





jld said:


> She took responsibility


I do think, as often happens on TAM, she was attacked, but I am not sure she took responsibility.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

What he has told her he wants.



confusedone84 said:


> my h demanded that i change jobs


Her response.



confusedone84 said:


> A job is a job and I like mine. AGAIN as others have also said she needs to be the one to make a change here there's nothing more I can do.


Technically, JLD, you are right. 


jld said:


> I can believe it is _much easier_ when there is no contact. I do not think it is _impossible _when there is still minimum contact.


My wife did not go NC, and we got through. But there is no doubt it got worse before it got better, and if I had not been staying for the kids, i don't think we would have. It's very, very hard to rebuilt trust after this sort of betrayal, and without trust there is no intimacy. In a situation like this, that ends many marriages and it's not always immediate. I think it makes sense to clear any roadblock you can.

We have feelings. We your wife cheats, she gives you reason to doubt her commitment to you. When she lies, she gives you reason to doubt her word. If your wife says "screw your, I want someone else" and then later says "I really want to fix our marriage, but I also want my $11 an hour job." her actions suggest that talk of reconciliation, and the importance of the marriage, may be another lie. Another blow to trust and intimacy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wazza, did you realize that was a misquote? She said it was supposed to be "he," not "she," in that quote. She later fixed her typo.

He asked her to quit her job three years ago. More recently she offered to quit, and he said he did not care. 



> My wife did not go NC, and we got through. But there is no doubt it got worse before it got better, and if I had not been staying for the kids, i don't think we would have. It's very, very hard to rebuilt trust after this sort of betrayal, and without trust there is no intimacy. In a situation like this, that ends many marriages and it's not always immediate. I think it makes sense to clear any roadblock you can.
> 
> We have feelings. We your wife cheats, she gives you reason to doubt her commitment to you. When she lies, she gives you reason to doubt her word. If your wife says "screw your, I want someone else" and then later says "I really want to fix our marriage, but I also want my $11 an hour job." her actions suggest that talk of reconciliation, and the importance of the marriage, may be another lie. Another blow to trust and intimacy.


I think the problem here is operating out of a 50-50 mindset, taking her words literally and giving them authority in a way that a wiser, more mature man might not. He would look at the entire context, and work with her.

With wisdom and maturity, a man would learn to look beyond her words into her heart. He would also look at the situation as a whole, and what is in the best interests of both people. He would use reason and empathy to persuade her to give up her job, if he thought that were in their best interests, or learn to live with it, if he concludes that is in their best interests.

Confused's husband is not a wise and mature man. Wise and mature men take responsibility for their feelings. They do not take them out in passive-aggressive ways on their wives. 

Wazza, you know that Dug and I do not come out of a 50-50 mindset. We do not come out of a female-dominant mindset, either. That can surely work, but it is not our frame of reference, so we do not say much about it. 

Our frame of reference is the male-dominant mindset. To us, that means the man needs to take responsibility for the family, and that includes being the emotional leader, as SGC mentioned. 

Sometimes that is lonely and painful. He needs to see beyond his own feelings and hurt to the needs of his wife and children. He simply has to do the right thing for his loved ones, including sacrificing his pride, if necessary. He cannot afford to take things personally. He must look out for their greater good.

That title of leader is _real_ and _earned_, in our opinion. It is a position of service. That is how it derives its authority. Not from coercion.

I hope you know I respect your staying with your wife. I have brought you up to gridcom many times. I think he, and others, could learn from your example.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

But he chose to stay which, IMO, means he chooses to work on the marriage. 
Had this been a recent EA, I would be giving him a lot more understanding and time to get passed it and start to rebuild but it was 3 years ago. 

There is no option to stay and continue to punish and demean your spouse. Cut your spouse off sex, take every opportunity you have to bring it up and make them feel bad. 

There is either;

I can't forgive him/her so I leave. 
or
Stay and work on it. 

and this is no different than any other resentment. If your wives were upset with something that happened 3 years ago and was still withholding sex, insulting you and refusing to work on things with you- it would not be ok. 

I know select people on the DWI group thinks cheating means a free pass to treat your spouse like sh*t for the rest of your marriage but it's not and that can become abusive and I also know that many people think that an affair is the worst offense a person can do in a marriage but for many, emotional neglect, sexual withholding, violent or abusive language or actions, etc are just as bad and can create just as much resentment and hurt. 

Many- not all- times these behaviors are simply a symptom of a larger problem and not the main point. Her EA and his sexual withholding and other behaviors before and after are all symptoms of a dying marriage and IMO there is no "who's was worse" You could blame his withholding on her EA which she could blame on his neglect which he could blame on whatever and play tit for tat all day long but they both need to stop, clean the slate and move forward if they have any hope in fixing this.
And what do you think happens when you decide to place all the blame on one person? They defend themselves. But he did this, she did that. That's why it's such an ineffective strategy at TAM. 

It's simple- Are you willing to let it go and move forward? 
Is your spouse?
No more blame, no one is worse than the other, no more bringing up the past and being insulting, no more punishing.

And I am about 5 months into reconciliation of a PA. I had, pretty much, a break down without sleeping and eating for days. It was horrible, I get it. There are triggers and sometimes I still need to talk about it (not insult or abuse, talk) but I made the choice to stay and try. If 3 years from now I am bitter and angry and refusing sex and insulting him - that's on me. 

And with her side- she needs to get over her resentments about his past behavior as well. She needs to commit to rebuilding her marriage, I gave her a MB link which I think really works to reconnect. 
But, like I told her, unless he is also on board it won't work. 
There's nothing she can do alone on her side until/unless he is willing to get out of his own resentment and commit to rebuilding. 

I lived in resentment for years before this and it gets easy to just throw up your hands and blame your spouse and you get to be "the good guy" and everything is on them to change and sometimes I can feel myself sliding back into that. He had his own little list and tally in his head and we ended up in a stubborn deadlock of who's to blame and who should start to fix things first. 
It's not a marriage and it doesn't matter who did what. If you chose to stay, you chose to move on together and let it go.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

sorry everyone been a loooooooong last several days. still no intimacy despite my efforts of trying. i actually spoke with a divorce attorney and am going back tomorrow since i have more questions. i cant keep going on while he is abusing me like this and causing me to feel so negative about myself. i deserve so much better than this kind of emotional abuse. hopefully i will be able to get the car, house, and decent amount of alimony. the attorney said i wouldn't be able to get the house unless i afford it so i will try to get the house with him paying for it i think.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> sorry everyone been a loooooooong last several days. still no intimacy despite my efforts of trying. i actually spoke with a divorce attorney and am going back tomorrow since i have more questions. i cant keep going on while he is abusing me like this and causing me to feel so negative about myself. i deserve so much better than this kind of emotional abuse. hopefully i will be able to get the car, house, and decent amount of alimony. the attorney said i wouldn't be able to get the house unless i afford it so i will try to get the house with him paying for it i think.


"The Entitlement is strong with this one."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

confusedone84 said:


> sorry everyone been a loooooooong last several days. still no intimacy despite my efforts of trying. i actually spoke with a divorce attorney and am going back tomorrow since i have more questions. i cant keep going on while he is abusing me like this and causing me to feel so negative about myself. i deserve so much better than this kind of emotional abuse. hopefully i will be able to get the car, house, and decent amount of alimony. the attorney said i wouldn't be able to get the house unless i afford it so i will try to get the house with him paying for it i think.


Confused, how about just walking away with your freedom? 

It would be very hard to afford an expensive house on what you are currently making. Wouldn't it be easier to just split the assets and move on?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree, even if he paid the mortgage there are too many expenses in home ownership that you can't afford on your income. 

You are likely looking at an apartment and/or roommate situation. At least until you have a higher paying job. 
I don't know what the housing market is like in your area but look through craigslist for rooms for rent. Many times you can find some that are furnished and utilities included which can help get you back on your feet. 

Then once you get whatever amount he will give you for your share of the assets, you can use that to get into a place of your own.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

confuseddone.

Just 3 reasons why you think you deserve the house, car and alimony?
You have been married to him for just 3 years and were also working and taking care of your parents. So please don't say I worked so hard for him to succeed in his carrier!!!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I would be careful with how aggressively you go after a house you can not afford while relying on him to pay for it. If he is not worried about the hit to the credit rating, he can always let it go into foreclosure. He may be cited for contempt of court, but the bank will come after both of you, and while it will be difficult for him, it will be you losing the house and having to make other arrangements. Then add on the costs of utilities, upkeep, insurance....


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

UGH! i just do not want to move back in with my parents and i cannot afford a place to stay. i had thought about having one of my friends move in but he just recently brought this all to light with my family after one of our big blowouts resulting from..... you guessed it..... no sex. he thought it was necessary to tell my family and friends about what happened. now my parents are upset with me and my friends are really awkward around me. i might just walk away at this point like you all said. this is getting toxic and for him to do that is completely out of spite. good point on the costs of owning the house. i honestly didnt think about all of that since he pays everything and i quite frankly have no idea how much anything is except the mortgage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you need to get informed on all financial matters, immediately.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, but the smell of the underside of a bridge is simply too strong.

Have fun, y'all.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Sorry, but the smell of the underside of a bridge is simply too strong.
> 
> Have fun, y'all.


Agreed.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Please please please.... let it be your friend from work who you want to move into your home.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> UGH! i just do not want to move back in with my parents and i cannot afford a place to stay. i had thought about having one of my friends move in but he just recently brought this all to light with my family after one of our big blowouts resulting from..... you guessed it..... no sex. he thought it was necessary to tell my family and friends about what happened. now my parents are upset with me and my friends are really awkward around me. i might just walk away at this point like you all said. this is getting toxic and for him to do that is completely out of spite. good point on the costs of owning the house. i honestly didnt think about all of that since he pays everything and i quite frankly have no idea how much anything is except the mortgage.



Ha!

Awesome.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedone84 said:


> sorry everyone been a loooooooong last several days. still no intimacy despite my efforts of trying. i actually spoke with a divorce attorney and am going back tomorrow since i have more questions. i cant keep going on while he is abusing me like this and causing me to feel so negative about myself. i deserve so much better than this kind of emotional abuse. hopefully i will be able to get the car, house, and decent amount of alimony. the attorney said i wouldn't be able to get the house unless i afford it so i will try to get the house with him paying for it i think.


What color is the sky in your world?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

marduk said:


> What color is the sky in your world?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL....Married three years and she's talking alimony. If this is real, gonna be a rude awakening.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The EA happened 3 years ago. She didn't say they have only been married for 3 years.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

the attorney i spoke with said that i should be able to get alimony since we have been married for 7 years and the fact that he makes so much more than me. my sky is blue outside, why all the smart remarks?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> the attorney i spoke with said that i should be able to get alimony since we have been married for 7 years and the fact that he makes so much more than me. my sky is blue outside, why all the smart remarks?


yes alimony will be available but it will be temporary and rehabilative in nature. very temporary for only a 7 year marriage


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Good luck with your dream. I wish I lived in candy land too!


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

READ THIS: Forbes Welcome

and
http://divorce.lovetoknow.com/How_Long_Do_You_Have_to_be_Married_to_Get_Alimony


I am sure your lawyer is helping you. But your husband may just be able to PAY for a better lawyer.
Considering that you have no emotional hold over him and he has moved on, he can be quite ruthless if he wants to.

If you have any doubts please ask here.

I am not even anywhere near your timezone......but google helps me answer questions on Alimony.
You might want to do some of it yourself.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Confused...what state do you live in?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You seem quite narcissistic. You might want to take an on-line test. Here is a link: 

http://personality-testing.info/tests/NPI.php

There are many others on line.

The reason you should take this test is you do not think and act like normal people. Therefore you will likely continue having problems getting along in the future. If you have more insight into how you think differently than others, you could change a few things and get along better with people (and get what you want from them)

People here are mocking you because you are behaving in a selfish, entitled way and demanding things that are not reasonable just because you want them.

You are completely unreasonable in your demands to keep the house and expect you STBXH to continue to support you. The law may allow for some financial relief but you are young and this isn't likely to be a huge long- term payoff. Furthermore, at 160k your husbands income is probably in the top 5% of wage earners - certainly in the top 10%. So you are likely to end up with someone making far less the next time ariund.

I wish you bad fortune in terms of having STBXH supporting you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

If we want to jump on the bandwagon of how women and men are treated here, I'll point out one.

There are _some_ on this forum who make excuses for wayward women. Who will talk about the state of a marriage and why, bla bla bla. I'll also point out that those making excuses come from both genders, I can name multiple off the top of my head.

Any wayward guy on here is going to get excoriated if he goes down that line. 

Mind you I don't advocate for guys getting away with it; as I see it, there is no excuse for cheating regardless of gender.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why the smart remarks? You cheated and then refused your husband intimacy while still hot for your lust guy....while telling your hubby this....he no doubt thought you and this guy were going at it the whole time you refused him sex while still working with the guy.

Now your hubby has shut down his libido and sees you as a friend to save his sanity you are now wanting sex with him. He is emotionally shut down to you and it is your doing!

Now your pissy because he is refusing you....

Now you know what the abuse YOU put him through felt like....but not completely....because he is not telling you he has the hots for his co-workers while refusing intimacy.

His mistake was not divorcing before it messed his head up. 

Now you want to run him through the ringer for crap that was not as bad as what you did to him in the first place!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Maybe we could hear more about how her husband is weak now because he might not want to give her the house and all of his money forever after she divorces him because she cheated on him and he doesn't like that.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> If we want to jump on the bandwagon of how women and men are treated here, I'll point out one.
> 
> There are _some_ on this forum who make excuses for wayward women. Who will talk about the state of a marriage and why, bla bla bla. I'll also point out that those making excuses come from both genders, I can name multiple off the top of my head.
> 
> ...


Larry, take a look at these two threads and tell me if these waywards were excoriated.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/241042-trying-make-amends-no-longer-know-what-do.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/297065-wife-found-out-about-ea.html


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

we had a long talk this weekend and i told him i am considering divorce if things dont change. i told him i wanted to know the REAL reason behind why he will not be intimate with me and he said "i dont want his "the OM" left over scraps". i ensured him that nothing physical as simple as even a hug ever took place. yes, thoughts of intimacy were on both minds, but never acted on. he said he felt much better getting that off of his chest and seemed happier than normal during the rest of the weekend. it hurt hearing that, but maybe its something that he needed to tell me to help him get past this?


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> we had a long talk this weekend and i told him i am considering divorce if things dont change. i told him i wanted to know the REAL reason behind why he will not be intimate with me and he said "i dont want his "the OM" left over scraps". i ensured him that nothing physical as simple as even a hug ever took place. yes, thoughts of intimacy were on both minds, but never acted on. he said he felt much better getting that off of his chest and seemed happier than normal during the rest of the weekend. it hurt hearing that, but maybe its something that he needed to tell me to help him get past this?


That's good that he opened up and said that, but it still seems and sounds like you have a long way to go with letting him heal. I was almost the exact same boat and ended up leaving. I hope that you can work through this but you seem a bit all over the place. One day you love him more than anything, the next he is scum and you want to take him to the cleaners. Not trying to be mean, but are you bi-polar? My Mother is Bi-Polar and has these same tendencies to be all over the place. Either way, it's good that he said it both to get off his chest and for you to hear.

It may seem simple enough that you didn't have a PA with the OM but to some men an EA is just as bad if not worse. Either way, you were unfaithful to him PERIOD. I am willing to bet that he will open up a bit more to you now that you were receptive of that comment and didn't lash back.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You need to poly and prove it to him. You told him you had the hots for other guy and denied him intimacy for 6 months while you STILL work with this guy. Quit and find another job! You consistently prove the job and being around this guy are more important than your husband by the way you have treated him and continue to do so by not cutting all contact with him. Find a different job!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedone84 said:


> we had a long talk this weekend and i told him i am considering divorce if things dont change. i told him i wanted to know the REAL reason behind why he will not be intimate with me and he said "i dont want his "the OM" left over scraps". i ensured him that nothing physical as simple as even a hug ever took place. yes, thoughts of intimacy were on both minds, but never acted on. he said he felt much better getting that off of his chest and seemed happier than normal during the rest of the weekend. it hurt hearing that, but maybe its something that he needed to tell me to help him get past this?


OK, so that was the weekend. Now it's Monday.

Did you quit your job yet?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> we had a long talk this weekend and i told him i am considering divorce if things dont change. i told him i wanted to know the REAL reason behind why he will not be intimate with me and he said "i dont want his "the OM" left over scraps". i ensured him that nothing physical as simple as even a hug ever took place. yes, thoughts of intimacy were on both minds, but never acted on. he said he felt much better getting that off of his chest and seemed happier than normal during the rest of the weekend. it hurt hearing that, but maybe its something that he needed to tell me to help him get past this?


He is saying that he feels like plan B. In theory there is a way forward from here.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> we had a long talk this weekend and i told him i am considering divorce if things dont change. i told him i wanted to know the REAL reason behind why he will not be intimate with me and he said "i dont want his "the OM" left over scraps". i ensured him that nothing physical as simple as even a hug ever took place. yes, thoughts of intimacy were on both minds, but never acted on. he said he felt much better getting that off of his chest and seemed happier than normal during the rest of the weekend. it hurt hearing that, but maybe its something that he needed to tell me to help him get past this?


You need to ask yourself this question. Why should he believe you? I am not asking this to attack you, I am asking you this to give an insight into his perspective. Sex includes trust, and you have damaged that.

I asked you earlier to list what you had done to help him heal. You didn't respond. Based on your posts so far, you haven't done very much.

So, he's told you he won't settle for scraps. Do you think he believes you that nothing happened? Do you think he believes you that it is over?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> You need to poly and prove it to him. You told him you had the hots for other guy and denied him intimacy for 6 months while you STILL work with this guy. Quit and find another job! You consistently prove the job and being around this guy are more important than your husband by the way you have treated him and continue to do so by not cutting all contact with him. Find a different job!


She does, and did these things because her husband is plan B. Now he admits that he knows it and doesn't like it. Will she change anything based on knowing that's how he feels? No. Why would she change anything for plan B? It's not like she loves him or anything.


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## confusedone84 (Oct 9, 2015)

well i did tell him that the om doesnt work there anymore and thats the truth. he actually quit last week. he told me that hes trying to trust me but its very hard. he asked how i would feel if he had messed around with some girl at work, got caught twice but kept on, then finally broke it off. i lied back then, so why not lie about this? im not lying though and dont like the jackass om, he ruined everything and i thought he was only being a nice guy and someone to talk to. i could never open up to my husband after we moved in with my parents so i had nobody to talk to or go to. he was never like that before so i just thought he didnt give 2 craps about me anymore..


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

confusedone84 said:


> well i did tell him that the om doesnt work there anymore and thats the truth. he actually quit last week. he told me that hes trying to trust me but its very hard. he asked how i would feel if he had messed around with some girl at work, got caught twice but kept on, then finally broke it off. i lied back then, so why not lie about this? im not lying though and dont like the jackass om, *he ruined everything* and i thought he was only being a nice guy and someone to talk to. i could never open up to my husband after we moved in with my parents so i had nobody to talk to or go to. he was never like that before so i just thought he didnt give 2 craps about me anymore..


No he didn't.


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