# Kids - What Changed?



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

One of the reasons that I haven't pushed hard for reconciliation or a divorce over the last 6 months is that I thought the kids were handling our separation fairly well. Divorce will bring about changes that will surely be uncomfortable - at least in the short term.

But it seems in the last week or two, both girls, 11 and 8, have been talking more and more about divorce. The oldest has said flat out "why don't you guys just divorce and get it over with.' While the youngest keeps saying that she wants Mommy to come home.

The girls were with my wife today. I got a text about how the oldest one basically went off on my wife.

Text from my wife:
"Daughter got into it with me today and said I've changed and she is 'trying to help me' so I can have custody of them. Because you (me) tuck them in and get them ready for school and I sleep all the time and I need a job. Don't know where she heard all this stuff & MORE!!!"

So she's blaming me when the truth is that our my daughter is OBSERVANT. 

My concern is that I don't want anyone who is SANE to think that I'm saying things like this to my kids in order to turn them against their mother. Like my Mother-in-law - who has been very supportive - I don't want to lose her support if she thinks I'm talking badly about my wife in order to influence the kids.

I don't expect a big problem with custody - so I really have no reason to turn the kids against their mother. In addition - they don't need my help figuring out that mom HAS changed and isn't acting quite like the other mom's any more.

Is there some way to address this with the girls - to let them know that it could make ME look bad - or do I just let it go?

And why would they have gone from "doing OK" to "we're sick of this" seemingly overnight? Seemed to start changing a couple of weeks ago. School just started last Wednesday - so that part of their routine changed. But I thought school would be welcomed since mom wasn't really doing anything with them over the summer.


----------



## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Remember Children see things in black and white... There are no gray areas for them. We as adults always have gray.

So they will say and do things we cannot understand because we have been tainted by the world.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I imagine they're talking to their friends at school and getting a whole mix of their friends "opinions" about separation and divorce. Some friends will be more influencial than others and it's probably their opinions that they're projecting onto their parents.

Maybe counselling will help them form their own opinions as may an aged Aunt, Uncle, Granddad etc. Someone they trust and loved.

Bob


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Talked to the youngest (8) yesterday a bit. She said that she thought Mommy would be home when the lease was up - after six months. Says she recently asked Mommy how long it had been, and she replied "8". So - the 8 year old claims this is what has changed - she just didn't realize we were past the 6 months. Not sure if I buy it.

11 year old is asking all kinds of strange questions. Will Grandpa beat me up if I divorce Mommy? What happens if I get a new girlfriend that 11 Year old likes - will Mommy be mad at "her"?

Last night she said she was afraid that laywers were going to take her away. I asked to where - and she said she didn't want to leave me and have to live with Mommy or Grandma or anyone else.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

NiceGuy~

This is purely my personal opinion and I'm speaking as a mom of seven here: it sounds to me like the girls have questions and are struggling with trying to figure some things out and no one is talking to them. At 8 and 11, they are far from being infants and I'm sure are perfectly aware what a divorce IS and maybe even have friends whose parents have divorced. You mentioned in other threads that they have a relative who divorced (like an uncle and aunt-in-law or something distant-ish), and so they have a little frame of reference...and yet they are 8 and 11! They do not have the tools and skills to simply deal with this and figure it all out accurately and maturely by themselves. 

I think it's time you had a "Family Meeting" with them (You, D8 and D11) and opened up the floor to their questions and answered a few things as lovingly but honestly as is age appropriate. It sounds like your 8yo is trying to figure out well if the lease is up why isn't mom coming home? And it sounds like your 11yo is struggling with fear of losing her mom, losing you, and thinking that you will like someone else and "go away." Maybe one of her friends had parents divorce, their dad met another woman, and now he's with them and THEIR daddy...and rarely with her. 

So I sit down with them. Tell them that you know they are smart girls and they know something's not right between you and your wife, and ask them if they have questions. If they can formulate questions answer only what they ask. (For example, if they say "Why isn't mommy moving back home?" you don't need to give them a play-by-play of mom's horrible myspace--answer at their level with "Well when mom's and dad's marry they promise to love only each other and I believe that mom's and dad's shouldn't have boyfriends and girlfriends. Since we don't agree on that, right now your mom isn't moving home.") "What's going to happen if you two do divorce?" "Well honey we are going to try to have it be about like it is now as best as we can. So you would live here at this house and have your same bedroom and school, and then be at mom's after school (or whenever they are with their mom now)." "What will happen to Gramma and Grampa" "Sweetheart I already talked with Gramma and Grampa and explained why we aren't living together and we adults have all decided to keep on caring about each other for you. They will still be your Gramma and Grampa and I will still treat them nice and they'll treat me nice." 

Get the idea?

They are going to have things they wonder about or are afraid of, and if you don't talk to them, they will try to put 2+2 together with no idea what they're doing...or get opinions, ideas, etc about divorce from their friends at school!  So talk to them and keep the focus on reassuring them you'll do your best to keep it very much like it is. 

And...YEP this did not occur overnight. They have been wondering this stuff for a while and only now feel comfortable voicing their worries.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What I have learned is that kids want to understand what is going on. And it is extraordinarily easy to sell them short, with how we perceive they will interpret or deal with the information.


----------

