# My Husband Hates Me and My Family



## That Girl (May 18, 2012)

Hello. My husband and I were married in December 2011 after being together for 2 years. He and I have had our issues but went through therapy and were doing really really great. Then recently he keeps finding reasons to go off on me. Here are a few examples.

1. He is a Mormon and I didn't grow up in that church. He thinks that everyone in my family hates him and thinks less of him because of it. So I talked to my mom about it. I asked her if she did. She said that as long as he believes in Jesus she doesn't care that he is a Mormon. 

2. He and I got married in the court house. It was nothing fancy and only a few people attended. One person that attended (a family friend) was making it all about him. It kind of ruined the day because the attention was not on us at all. Now my older brother is getting married next week and it is a lot bigger and fancier than ours. He is upset. We both wanted to have a wedding but neither we nor my mom could afford it. Now he thinks it is my family and my fault for not having a wedding. I have tried to assure him that we didn't need all of that. I am just happy to have married the love of my life. Would I have wanted a wonderful wedding? YES. But it didn't turn out that way. 

3. He keeps saying that we treat him like a second class citizen. We don't. He is invited to everything, but never wants to go. My family members constantly try to get to know him but he rejects them. 

I don't know what to do. Recently, we have argued 3 times and each time he says he wants a divorce. I don't know what to do. If he doesn't want to be with me then I can't make him, but I don't want a divorce. I want to work it out. I don't know what else I can do or say. My family doesn't know about the discussions about divorce nor his resentment about the wedding. I don't know who to go to because I don't want to bring other people into our marriage. When he and I were having issues before I made the mistake of going and asking advice from friends and family. It only brought on more issues. 

Any advice would be appreciated.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You two need to communicate better. I'd recommend therapy.

The bit about him feeling like a 2nd class citizen and you not seeing it that way. It screams to me that you aren't making him feel loved. I'd recommend you two take some time to go over the test (and possibly the book) from this site:

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

Talk about what each of you really wants from the other after taking the little test (should take just a few minutes each).


----------



## That Girl (May 18, 2012)

Thank you do much for your relpy! He hasn't been letting me talk at all. He yells at me and then when I try to say anything he tells me to go away and calls me a con artist. I don't even know what that means! I really want to go to a counselor but he doesn't think he is doing anything. He thinks it is all on me. I am starting to feel like it is my fault. If I knew what to say he wouldn't get upset.

i have taken the Love languages test. I don't think he has. I will give that a try.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

That Girl said:


> Thank you do much for your relpy! He hasn't been letting me talk at all. He yells at me and then when I try to say anything he tells me to go away and calls me a con artist. I don't even know what that means! I really want to go to a counselor but he doesn't think he is doing anything. He thinks it is all on me. I am starting to feel like it is my fault. If I knew what to say he wouldn't get upset.
> 
> i have taken the Love languages test. I don't think he has. I will give that a try.


I'd recommend asking him to take it. Perhaps out of that test he can explain to you more fully what he means when he says he feels like a 2nd class citizen.

Communication is really the life's blood of a marriage, and he's just cutting that out completely (no him just yelling at you doesn't count).

Things that also concern me is that he seems to be fishing for things to get mad about (based on the 3 things you listed). You can't change the past, so not really sure how getting mad about how you two were married will fix anything between you two.

While he may not like how your family thinks about him, he needs to remember that your marriage is about you two. Yes family matters, but in the end you two should be first and foremost in each other's lives.

If these are the types of things he's angry about, it seems to me he's not talking about what is really bothering him. Ask him deep down to tell you what's bothering him.

When my wife and I were having a lot of problems we decided to each write down all the things that were bothering us. To list them and be loving but brutally honest.

Then we met and read over each other's lists, but the rules were that you couldn't get defensive and you had to try and empathize with the other's view point.

Then we came up with some practical ways that each of us could be a better blessing to the other.

We also followed this up with therapy, and I still stand by that recommendation for you two.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

BTW there's another woman no here with the handle of that_girl. People may confuse you two... just thought you should know.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Try to see his side of the argument. You may be too close to your family to see it, but if you married a guy who is intelligent and normal in his other relationships, it's unlikely he is mis-reading this one so badly. I would guess that your sticking up for your family instead of agreeing with him about some things is making it worse - assuming that is what is going on between you two right now.


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I don't want to make any assumptions, and you didn't provide much background information. So, please fill in the blanks for me. I need to know if you are making assumptions, not seeing the bigger picture, or if you looked into things thoroughly.

1. He is a Mormon and I didn't grow up in that church. He thinks that everyone in my family hates him and thinks less of him because of it. So I talked to my mom about it. I asked her if she did. She said that as long as he believes in Jesus she doesn't care that he is a Mormon. 

You asked your mom, but did you ask him why he feels this way? At your wedding or any other gathering, is it possible he heard negative/derogatory remarks about Mormons? Did someone ever respond with a quirky or surprised look upon finding out he is a Mormon? Or anything of the sort? I'd like to know his answer(s).

2. He and I got married in the court house. It was nothing fancy and only a few people attended. One person that attended (a family friend) was making it all about him. It kind of ruined the day because the attention was not on us at all. Now my older brother is getting married next week and it is a lot bigger and fancier than ours. He is upset. We both wanted to have a wedding but neither we nor my mom could afford it. Now he thinks it is my family and my fault for not having a wedding. I have tried to assure him that we didn't need all of that. I am just happy to have married the love of my life. Would I have wanted a wonderful wedding? YES. But it didn't turn out that way. 

I'm afraid to assume what he means by "not having a wedding." Could it be that he feels you and he didn't have a wedding because the family friend ruined it by being the center of attention? Or, did he mean there was not big todo like your brother is having? Or, is it that he was willing to pay (particially or half?) for a wedding, but you and your family couldn't come up with any portion? 

3. He keeps saying that we treat him like a second class citizen. We don't. He is invited to everything, but never wants to go. My family members constantly try to get to know him but he rejects them. 

Was there ever a time or incident that he was not invited or had reason to feel he was not invited? In what ways do they treat him like a second-class citizen? What has anyone done or said?

Honestly, I don't believe he has answers to anything he accuses you or your family of doing. I bet you can ask him over and over (and probably already did) no matter how calmly, but he was (or will be) entirely unable to produce sensible or even reasonable answers. What I expect is he will (or did) avoid the questions entirely, not even try to address even one of them or come up with any examples of his claims. You will have only to conclude his accusations are unfounded, but he won't stop accusing.......and arguing.

I believe you married an angry nutcase, who hid his true identity before you married him. In most cases, people like him try to hide their true selves, but little bits and pieces reveal themselves here and there. There were likely things he did or said that perhaps you found quirky, or cute, or mildly annoying, but you largely ignored as problematic. Particularly, if he is an angry person, then he found other things and other people to be angry with and complain about. It could have been something simple but still didn't make any sense to you, like unecessary road rage at other drivers or something like that. You ignored those incidents because he wasn't, at that time, directing his anger at you or your family members, and perhaps his displays were not as frequent as they have become.

If I'm right, your husband needs medication. He will become increasingly more abusive if you allow him, and the only way you can prevent it is to leave. You already want to go to a counselor but he refuses. Refusing counseling, attacking you and blaming you for the attack, controlling you (telling you to go away), calling you names, making you think everything is your fault, threatening divorce, and everything else you describe are all typical of abusive men. 

I know you don't want to hear that, and you aren't going to leave him either. At least not right away. But, there will come the day you will accept what I'm saying. You have already tolerated way too much and played into his hand too many times. For example, abusers need someone to abuse. You think he hates you. You think he doesn't want to be with you. The truth is, he needs you very badly. Who else would he have to abuse if he didn't have you? So, he plays his hand to the max to see how far he can go. The farther you let him and play into his hand, the more outrageous he becomes because he knows he has you hooked. For example, when he plays the divorce card, you don't tell him "Okay, you want a divorce then get out, and I will see you in divroce court!" Instead, the reaction you give lets him know you don't want him to leave you. You play along and fortify his resolve, thereby giving him more reason to rage and complain, and he gets louder. The rages, the yelling, the accusations, the blaming are his way to exert power and control over you. Aren't his complaints, accusations, and arguments ridiculous? So why do you argue back with him? Walk out the door and go somewhere out of his sight and hearing range. Whether you get in the car and drive away, or take a walk down the street, don't let him engage you. You will only get caught up in it again. You noticed there is no way you can be right and no way you can win. He gets more outrageous and yells even louder. What you do to disengage is for your own sanity and to show him he cannot control you. Where he is concerned though, he will only get worse no matter what you do.

You need to look this stuff up. Use whatever criteria to google "abuse" you can think of, and you will find your husband on every page. You will also learn that when you stop reacting and fortifying him, he will become very sweet for a while. You will feel like you have your husband back. But then, he turns into a raging idiot again. You will learn the cycles of abuse like these. You still won't believe it, but I hope you will because, like I said and like all the articles you will tell you, he will only get worse. I hope you begin believing it before he starts hitting you. 

Women who are abused always feel and think exactly the way you do, and they always believe him. They never believe when people try to tell them what is really happening. You love him, and the times he is sweet and loving again will lull you into believing everything is okay. It will be extremely difficult for you to accept the truth and finally walk away. I know how you feel. I know how confused you are. I know you want your husband back - that man you thought you were marrying. I'm afraid I must inform you that man does not exist. He never did exist. This man you ended up with very shrewdly duped you into falling in love with a phantom. He did it intentionally. Yes, that means you were targeted because that's the way of abusive men. He needed someone to abuse. That he met you made you his target. His target was any woman he met and was able to control himself long enough to get away with deceiving her into marrying him. Were it not you, it would have been someone else. Please don't think he wants a divorce. Please don't think he doesn't want to be with you. That is all part of the charade. He needs you very badly because he needs a woman to abuse. It just happens to be you.

And please don't let him make you believe ANYTHING is your fault.

A great article to help you understand what is happening to you.
Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong


----------



## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Yes, Yes, River is right! He has passive aggressive issues and will stow his anger until it comes out at you in ways you don't even expect or know about. Do you ever find yourself thinking, "Whoa, where is this coming from?" If so, he probably gets angry over many things, several times a day and keeps it hidden until he can lash out at you. I' m so sorry. My husband is like this too. I still love him but it's hard. He is out of town, so it's great, but lonely. He shuts his phone off when he leaves cause he knows it drives me crazy then he will make up some excuse as to why he couldn't talk to me. He has controlling mother issues. Does your husband's mom control him or used too?


----------

