# What are some good ways to deal with the fall out from a traumatic relationship?



## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

So I've written in detail about my relationship in other threads. I married a man who turned out to be very mentally unbalanced. While we were together he was frighteningly controlling, dictating what I should wear, how I should speak and act, telling me that "this is how marriage is, you just don't know how to be a wife", telling me I had to earn his respect and love, and if I didn't work at it all the time, he would stray. He talked all the time "jokingly" he said, about wanting to bring other women into our relationship and marital bed, and would not stop even when I begged him to and told him how much it hurt me.

He had me entirely convinced I was the problem in the relationship, that everything that was wrong with us was my doing, because I just couldn't cut it as a wife, or a human being.

Now he's gone, and I hope forever. I am scared of him coming back into my life and having that sort of power over me again. I have no money, so I can't afford a psycholigical counselor, and I have no idea how to go about getting a divorce from a man who cut off contact with me, is who-knows-where, and will never agree to a divorce if he COULD be found. I don't want anything from him, I don't want to make a court case, or anything. But I feel like I have no escape from him, without money. I am scared of him. 

And I am struggling with an abysmal self-image right now, as well. Even though I know he is wrong about a lot of the awful things he said about me, I do feel ugly, and like there must be something wrong with me. I just don't really know how to deal with all the different aspects of this situation. I am sort of at a loss is all, so writing it here, as right now, posting here is the only pro-active thing I can do. But I'm certainly open to suggestions!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

If he doesn't want to be found, and wouldn't agree to a divorce, then this is the perfect time to file one. You can have someone served notice without their physical presence. The regulations vary from place to place, but essentially you make a good faith effort by sending something certified mail to his last address and then if that's not claimed you just have to run an ad in the paper for a specified period of time serving notice. Once it's been run for that length of time, he's considered served whether he's seen it and responded or not.

If he's not responding, that also means you can likely file pro se and avoid attorney fees.

In the meantime, you can probably get more information about this from either your local courts or a local domestic violence agency. Strangely, a lot of abusers take off for parts unknown once their victims make the choice to take a stand--your situation isn't that unique in that regard! A local DV agency might also be a good place to get some support for what you're going through....


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Legal aid
Counseling through a social services organization or teaching college
YWCA (scholarship membership)
Look for support groups, through your local hospital/s
NAMI
Mission churches
Women's aid societies
Volunteer your time to something you like doing - it's good to be with positive people, it will change the way you think about others, and yourself.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks to both of you. I guess part of the reason I am trying to seek out legal help right now is simply that I don't know the first thing about how all this works, and I want to make sure it gets done properly. I am hoping to find a legal aid organization that is willing to at least advise me cheaply or for free, and tell me what I need to do. I also just e-mailed the person who married us. In Costa Rica, where we were married, lawyers are actually the ones who do marriages, so he is a lawyer and notary, and was extremely kind and helpful to us, so it is my hope that he can help now. But that was a hard e-mail to write! 

Homemaker- thanks for all the tips, they sound helpful! I am already planning to volunteer a couple places I would like to help out at, and tonight I joined the gym! This was pretty exciting for me, as working out has helped me deal with some of my stress, but the gym enviroment seems very positive and everyone appears to be friendly and supportive, so I think it's a good step to take. 

As far as support groups, I might consider joining one, but again, I guess I am just ignorant of how you would find a local one, or even what exactly Im looking for. I wasn't physically abused, and I am honestly not looking to go talk about what a victim I was. Even though he mistreated me, I don't see myself as a victim. I made a choice to be with him, now I have made the choice not to be. I hate some of the things he did and said to me, but I really don't see myself as someone who goes to support groups and sobs out her story. But I may be stereotyping, as I said, I know very little about it.


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