# Have You or Your LTM Spouse Gone Through a MLC?



## AlmostYoung

Whether your marriage survived or not, I’d love to hear your story. 

I’m primarily interested in first time marriages that have survived for more than 20 years before the crises hit, because these couples have clearly figured out how to make their marriage work. Thanks!


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## notperfectanymore

I am going thru one right now I believe, lol.....

We will hit our 19 year mark in July...I love him, he loves me...we have had a rough couple of years due to family drama, but we are workin on it (transaltion: I talk, come here, read books, talk to him: he listens to me :/) I have career burnout and simply cannot stand the corporate world anymore...and I finally realized my entire family is VERY disfunctional (2+BPD's and & Narc Bro ) I'm trying to work thru it without pulling my hubs in....that doesn't always work as he is a "fixer" and wants to fix me, lol. I think he might be a little MLC himself. (I'm 44, he is 47). We are both very Type A peeps and have some OCD tendancies, but his are getting WAY out of control lately...he is trying to make changes on his end.

We love each other and have a future planned. We try hard to meet each others needs but we are having to work on our communication. He won't read any books or come here because "We are good, WE ARE SOLID". 

We don't consider ourselves in crisis...that was back in 2010 when BPD family lived with us...UGH....we survived that, and I hope we make it....we are a whole lot greyer, fatter, and older than when we met in 1994, lol.


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## AlmostYoung

notperfectanymore said:


> We don't consider ourselves in crisis...that was back in 2010 when BPD family lived with us...UGH....we survived that, and I hope we make it....we are a whole lot greyer, fatter, and older than when we met in 1994, lol.


Hi NPAM, thanks for the reply. It certainly sounds like you guys made it through some tough times.

Typically, a spouse in MLC will rewrite history in a manner that says the marriage was _never_ good, or that they were _never_ in love. If the spouse stayed in the marriage for 20+ years with few complaints, then this newly acquired perception, by definition, just can't be accurate.

Often times the MLC spouse will want to move out of the marriage bed or home, to discover who they are and/or search for happiness. Affairs are common. There is a preoccupation with death and the limited amount of time they have left on earth, which leads to a relentless push to satisfy unfulfilled life ambitions. 

Often times, in their search for meaning, purpose, and happiness, the MLC'er will spend years barking up the wrong tree(s). This is very sad for the spouse who wishes they could help, but only the MLC'er can figure their issues out. 

Best wishes to you and Hubby!

Any one else?


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## artlady

Well, my H's MLC started a few weeks before our 19th anniversary, but we'd been together for 21 at that time. This was in 2010; this year will be our 22nd wedding anniversary.

Summed up, when the recession hit, it began brewing in my H's mind how unhappy he was. His business took a hit, we had problems with our younger daughter, and our marriage began suffering; we pretty much forgot how to communicate. I honestly believe it all boiled over in October of 2010 when he reconnected with his first serious GF in person. A week later, he was gone; told me he was unhappy with everything, that he hadn't "been in love" with me for years, and didn't want to have anything to do with me or our daughters. He moved almost a thousand miles away. We were separated for ten weeks, and during that time, he lived with his ex-GF and had a PA that lasted about a month. When he came to his senses, and I honestly began leaving him alone and trying to make plans to move on, he tentatively began texting and emailing me for a few days, then we decided to go home for Christmas and surprise our daughters (I was living with my parents in another state by then, unable to work or pay bills because of severe depression). Physically, we got back together less than six hours after we went home, and we put our wedding rings on eleven days later. By the way, I didn't find out about the PA until then... or even that he'd been living with her.

What you said was true: my H rewrote history stating how he hadn't been in love with me for years, and made up problems between us that weren't true. He thought about making a new life for himself, and for a few moments, wanted a real relationship with his ex-GF, but in reality, he drank himself silly every day (and he RARELY drinks), moped around, and didn't do anything to make a new, 'better' life. He pretty much used her so he wouldn't feel "lonely". Much of that was guilt for how he left me and was treating me... it was scary how much a good man had changed.

I know for both of us, it was the worst period of our lives-- so traumatic for me I almost committed suicide. And while our marriage is a thousand times better than it was before the MLC, of course there's been a lot of s*** to get through, most of all how he replaced me with her. We learned not to take our marriage for granted. He's transparent, and he cut off all contact with the OW (very difficult, as she and he had secretly talked off and on for fifteen years of our relationship, and she's quite the sociopath... story for another time!). We're closer physically, and truly adore each other. We've made sure all our friends are "friends of our marriage". We try to really listen to each other... we're just so much more compassionate and empathetic toward each other.

I guess the best way to put it is that we did need the separation to really show us that we were indeed in love with each other, but certainly not in the way he handled it. We do know we have to work at it to make it work, if that makes sense. But with the way we feel about each other, it doesn't feel like work.


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## toonaive

AlmostYoung said:


> Hi NPAM, thanks for the reply. It certainly sounds like you guys made it through some tough times.
> 
> Typically, a spouse in MLC will rewrite history in a manner that says the marriage was _never_ good, or that they were _never_ in love. If the spouse stayed in the marriage for 20+ years with few complaints, then this newly acquired perception, by definition, just can't be accurate.
> 
> Often times the MLC spouse will want to move out of the marriage bed or home, to discover who they are and/or search for happiness. Affairs are common. There is a preoccupation with death and the limited amount of time they have left on earth, which leads to a relentless push to satisfy unfulfilled life ambitions.
> 
> Often times, in their search for meaning, purpose, and happiness, the MLC'er will spend years barking up the wrong tree(s). This is very sad for the spouse who wishes they could help, but only the MLC'er can figure their issues out.
> 
> Best wishes to you and Hubby!
> 
> Any one else?


Unfortunately my WAW is in this exact process. After seven years of reconciliation, I have nothing left in me to give. Our sons and I know she will never change at this point. She is lost to us, and for own sanity we have to move on with our lives. This marriage is one that will not survive a protracted MLC.


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## AlmostYoung

artlady said:


> Well, my H's MLC started a few weeks before our 19th anniversary, but we'd been together for 21 at that time. This was in 2010; this year will be our 22nd wedding anniversary.
> 
> Summed up, when the recession hit, it began brewing in my H's mind how unhappy he was. His business took a hit, we had problems with our younger daughter, and our marriage began suffering; we pretty much forgot how to communicate. I honestly believe it all boiled over in October of 2010 when he reconnected with his first serious GF in person. A week later, he was gone; told me he was unhappy with everything, that he hadn't "been in love" with me for years, and didn't want to have anything to do with me or our daughters. He moved almost a thousand miles away. We were separated for ten weeks, and during that time, he lived with his ex-GF and had a PA that lasted about a month. When he came to his senses, and *I honestly began leaving him alone and trying to make plans to move on, he tentatively began texting and emailing me for a few days,* then we decided to go home for Christmas and surprise our daughters (I was living with my parents in another state by then, unable to work or pay bills because of severe depression). Physically, we got back together less than six hours after we went home, and we put our wedding rings on eleven days later. By the way, I didn't find out about the PA until then... or even that he'd been living with her.
> 
> What you said was true: my H rewrote history stating how he hadn't been in love with me for years, and made up problems between us that weren't true. He thought about making a new life for himself, and for a few moments, wanted a real relationship with his ex-GF, but in reality, he drank himself silly every day (and he RARELY drinks), moped around, and didn't do anything to make a new, 'better' life. He pretty much used her so he wouldn't feel "lonely". Much of that was guilt for how he left me and was treating me... it was scary how much a good man had changed.
> 
> I know for both of us, it was the worst period of our lives-- so traumatic for me I almost committed suicide. And while our marriage is a thousand times better than it was before the MLC, of course there's been a lot of s*** to get through, most of all how he replaced me with her. We learned not to take our marriage for granted. He's transparent, and he cut off all contact with the OW (very difficult, as she and he had secretly talked off and on for fifteen years of our relationship, and she's quite the sociopath... story for another time!). We're closer physically, and truly adore each other. We've made sure all our friends are "friends of our marriage". We try to really listen to each other... we're just so much more compassionate and empathetic toward each other.
> 
> I guess the best way to put it is that we did need the separation to really show us that we were indeed in love with each other, but certainly not in the way he handled it. We do know we have to work at it to make it work, if that makes sense. But with the way we feel about each other, it doesn't feel like work.


Wow, thanks for posting, artlady. It's so great to hear of a happy ending in one of these situations. The part above that I bolded really stands out to me...

*"I honestly began leaving him alone and trying to make plans to move on"*

This seems to be key in dealing with a spouse in MLC. The LBS (left behind spouse) must detach, and let them go in order to survive. Only the person in crises can find the answers to the Big Life Questions plaguing them. The LBS can not "fix" them, or convince them that what they are doing is wrong. Also, ultimatums seldom work in this situation, because they are searching for their own identity, and almost always dealing with unresolved childhood issues. 

In the MLC'ers mind they have had a great awakening, and are finally on the correct path. 

What helped you get through this extremely painful time, artlady?

How long would you say your H's crises lasted, from beginnig to end? Is it over?

Thanks again!


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## AlmostYoung

toonaive said:


> Unfortunately my WAW is in this exact process. After seven years of reconciliation, I have nothing left in me to give. Our sons and I know she will never change at this point. She is lost to us, and for own sanity we have to move on with our lives. This marriage is one that will not survive a protracted MLC.


Hi toonaive. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation with your W's crises. Sadly, some of them never come out of the tunnel... or by the time they do, the LBS has moved on. 

Seven years is a long time. Was your W in crises the entire time? Do you have any regrets for how you handled this time in your lives, or better still, any tips for others in this situation?

I'm wishing peace and contentment for you and your family from this point forward.


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## artlady

> This seems to be key in dealing with a spouse in MLC. The LBS (left behind spouse) must detach, and let them go in order to survive. Only the person in crises can find the answers to the Big Life Questions plaguing them. The LBS can not "fix" them, or convince them that what they are doing is wrong. Also, ultimatums seldom work in this situation, because they are searching for their own identity, and almost always dealing with unresolved childhood issues.


I would agree with all of this in relation to my H, except for the unresolved childhood issues. He told me that once he went home to where his ex and the rest of his family was, and was free of all the responsibilities here, he felt like he had when he was younger (a teenager). Of course, reality set in once he filed for divorce (very early on after he left)-- that's why he drank, sat in parks for hours, had the A. Still, I remember pointing out once to him that he was depressed, and another time that he was going through a MLC. He got angry at me saying both those things. Really, there wasn't much I could say to him at that time that he agreed with.

And then after he packed up our house, it seriously set in with him that what he was looking for wasn't elsewhere, but with me/us. Because of the A and how he'd squandered all our money on her and himself, it took him several weeks to work up the courage to send me those texts and emails. Plus, it *seriously* worried him once he saw that I was making plans to move on without him. At that point, I didn't think I had a choice! All that sort of smacked him over the head that he was about to lose everything in his life- me, his business, our house. And although it had been on his mind the whole time, he finally realized that what I'd said was true: after twenty-one years, it was more than worth it to give our marriage one more chance.



> What helped you get through this extremely painful time, artlady?


Well, at first it was drinking, ha. I quit that. About eight weeks into the separation, I was able to start seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. That was a big reason I was able to leave him alone.

After I found out about the A, it was a lot of talking. A LOT. What helped immensely was that my H. was never a talker; but when we got back together, he changed, and has been much more open. You could have knocked me over with a feather to see my usually-silent H. taking the time to have meaningful conversations.  The only drawback was that it took him almost a whole year to disclose the extent of the PA, and that set us back (I almost left-- not because of the PA, which I'd always suspected, but that he'd lied because he was scared).

And it's going to sound corny, but falling in love with my H again, him falling in love with me... that helped, too. I mean, I'm not going to say there weren't problems or fallout, and a heck of a lot of crying and pain, but at the end of the day neither of us wanted to lose what we'd just found again.

Lastly, slowly, TOO slowly sometimes, realizing that the OW meant nothing compared to how he felt/feels about me.



> How long would you say your H's crises lasted, from beginnig to end? Is it over?


I would say it started late 2009, about a year before he left, and I'd say in a small way, he's still going through it. But after we got back together, it was in a MUCH more constructive way. He has goals for his life and business, and he's really going after them. But it's not costing us anything like our marriage or his relationship with our kids this time. We're included. And he's more than supportive of me in what I'd like to do, too.


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## Anon Pink

AlmostYoung said:


> Hi NPAM, thanks for the reply. It certainly sounds like you guys made it through some tough times.
> 
> Typically, a spouse in MLC will rewrite history in a manner that says the marriage was _never_ good, or that they were _never_ in love. If the spouse stayed in the marriage for 20+ years with few complaints, then this newly acquired perception, by definition, just can't be accurate.
> 
> Often times the MLC spouse will want to move out of the marriage bed or home, to discover who they are and/or search for happiness. Affairs are common. *There is a preoccupation with death and the limited amount of time they have left on earth, which leads to a relentless push to satisfy unfulfilled life ambitions.
> 
> Often times, in their search for meaning, purpose, and happiness,* the MLC'er will spend years barking up the wrong tree(s). This is very sad for the spouse who wishes they could help, but only the MLC'er can figure their issues out.
> 
> Best wishes to you and Hubby!
> 
> Any one else?


The bolded part is the only part I can identify with. Working my way through a MLC, but I prefer to call it a mid life awakening

We're still together and happier now than Ive ever been in this marriage. 28 years, 3 kids, oldest just got engaged, and we are now focusing on US on our relationship and on making each other happy.

I MLC doesn't have to end the marriage, but the marriage does have to adjust and adapt to the awakening and the push to enjoy life rather than wait for the rainy day.


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## AlmostYoung

Thank you so much artlady for taking the time to respond to my questions. I believe your insight can help others who find themselves in a similar situation.



artlady said:


> I would agree with all of this in relation to my H, except for the unresolved childhood issues. He told me that once he went home to where his ex and the rest of his family was, and was free of all the responsibilities here, he felt like he had when he was younger (a teenager). Of course, reality set in once he filed for divorce (very early on after he left)-- that's why he drank, sat in parks for hours, had the A. Still, I remember pointing out once to him that he was depressed, and another time that he was going through a MLC. He got angry at me saying both those things. *Really, there wasn't much I could say to him at that time that he agreed with.*
> 
> This seems to be very common, which is why the LBS has to cut them free. Only the person in crises can resolve their issues. As much as they'd love to, the LBS cannot "fix" their spouse.
> 
> And then after he packed up our house, it seriously set in with him that what he was looking for wasn't elsewhere, but with me/us. Because of the A and how he'd squandered all our money on her and himself, it took him several weeks to work up the courage to send me those texts and emails. Plus, it *seriously* worried him once he saw that I was making plans to move on without him. At that point, I didn't think I had a choice! All that sort of smacked him over the head that he was about to lose everything in his life- me, his business, our house. And although it had been on his mind the whole time, he finally realized that what I'd said was true: after twenty-one years, it was more than worth it to give our marriage one more chance.
> 
> Great job. You left him alone and took charge of your life… that showed an awful lot of strength on your part! I’m happy to hear he figured out he was making a huge mistake… they don’t always, or sometimes they do, but only after it’s too late.
> 
> And it's going to sound corny, but falling in love with my H again, him falling in love with me... that helped, too. I mean, I'm not going to say there weren't problems or fallout, and a heck of a lot of crying and pain, but at the end of the day neither of us wanted to lose what we'd just found again.
> 
> Not corny at all! From what I've learned, if a couple is able to make through a serious MLC, their NEW marriage will be much better and stronger for it. All the more reason for the LBS to stand (instead of turn and run) and fixate on THEIR OWN life while their spouse is out in orbit.
> 
> I would say it started late 2009, about a year before he left, and I'd say in a small way, he's still going through it. But after we got back together, it was in a MUCH more constructive way. He has goals for his life and business, and he's really going after them. But it's not costing us anything like our marriage or his relationship with our kids this time. We're included. And he's more than supportive of me in what I'd like to do, too.


Sounds about right. Sources I’ve read say working through a MLC takes 2-5 years for women, and slightly longer for men. These are just averages though. Each individual case is different, and some are mild while others go wild. Some never come home. All the more reason a LBS needs to concentrate on themselves, and not the antics of their MLC’er, who they cannot control.

Best wishes to you and your "new" hubby!


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## AlmostYoung

Anon Pink said:


> The bolded part is the only part I can identify with. Working my way through a MLC, but I prefer to call it a mid life awakening


Some like to call it a "Life Transition". I agree that to the person in this transition/crises it absolutely is an "Awakening".

They can now see their life clearly, and in their mind are finally on the correct path, no matter how much destruction some may leave in their wake in their seach for answers/meaning/happiness. To an outsider or spouse watching their antics, "crises" is absolutely the correct term in some cases. 



> We're still together and happier now than Ive ever been in this marriage. 28 years, 3 kids, oldest just got engaged, and we are now focusing on US on our relationship and on making each other happy.
> 
> *I MLC doesn't have to end the marriage, but the marriage does have to adjust and adapt to the awakening and the push to enjoy life rather than wait for the rainy day.*


Again I agree, and I can tell by this and some of your other posts on the board that you obviously have been handling your awakening in a positive manner. 

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, not everyone is able to do this. I think some just have tougher issues, or a tougher time dealing with their midlife issues than others.

Thanks for chiming in Anon!


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## Ikaika

This is our 19th year... we got married later in life. Both of us finishing up graduate degrees when we met, so I am 52 she is 50. Our biggest crisis, will be there for the long haul. Our special needs son. He is 13 right now, but functions like a 5 year old. Knowing what we know about him, he will likely live with us till we can no longer care for him. Of course that also means long term planning for us to figure out what would be the best living arrangement for him beyond our life here. He has a brother, but I am very reluctant to put that burden on him. 

This is a MLC, almost daily. It really takes both of us, our patience and what knowledge we have to get through each day. I could not imagine doing this alone. It does not take away from our intimacy we share. We do have wonderful support from our in-laws to provide us with respite when we need it. We are not alone other parents have similar or worse situations and we know it. However, it also means we cannot be selfish with each other or with our two children. 

I love my wife now more than I did when we first got married. It may not be as mushy or gushing with all those initial feelings, but it is certainly deeper and better than I could imagine. We actually have better sex now than when we first got married. It really does take time to truly understand the other person... you need to get to that level that sometimes goes beyond words and you end up moving as one. We have hit our Nirvana and plan to stay there as long as we can. And, as in the rest of our life, we pretty much the same.


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## Anon Pink

AlmostYoung said:


> Some like to call it a "Life Transition". I agree that to the person in this transition/crises it absolutely is an "Awakening".
> 
> They can now see their life clearly, and in their mind are finally on the correct path, no matter how much destruction some may leave in their wake in their seach for answers/meaning/happiness. To an outsider or spouse watching their antics, "crises" is absolutely the correct term in some cases.


I had already stopped seeing my life clearly. I had already stopped engaging and planning and hoping. I had been in a holding pattern for years! When things began to really go south, I fantasized about running away and living in a cabin in the woods all alone and maybe a few large dogs My marriage was already crap, it was already bad. The facts are that the awakening gave me the courage to really look at what it was and decide not to accept it anymore.

I'm sorry but it sounds as if you are generalizing a bit too much. Like the MLC is what causes the marriage to go south, but that isn't true. A person in a good relationship doesn't wake up one day and rewrite history. The person who does that is the person who has been mildly unhappy for a while and they've reached a point where they've decided they want more out of life than mildly tolerable relationships.




AlmostYoung said:


> Again I agree, and I can tell by this and some of your other posts on the board that you obviously have been handling your awakening in a positive manner.
> 
> Unfortunately, for whatever reason, not everyone is able to do this.


Thank you for this, very kind of you. My H responded and that's why we are still together. If he had continued in his normal way, we would not be together.



AlmostYoung said:


> I think some just have tougher issues, or a tougher time dealing with their midlife issues than others...


Hey Buster! Are you suggesting my mid life issues aren't catastrophic, insurmountable and agonizing!  Kidding. Anything can be insurmountable and anything can be adaptable. I don't know what issues you are having in your marriage, is it okay if I take a peak at your posts?


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## SimplyAmorous

Me & my mine has been together 31 yrs (married 23)....









He has told me he went through a minor *Mid Life Crisis* before we had our last son.... It was SO mild..I didn't even notice it ! I guess he was just feeling bad about them growing up so fast (we have 6 kids)... 

Then there is ME... nothing is ever Mild with me....After we had our last son, I got an IUD, spent a summer fighting to keep a prison out of our Hometown, then our oldest went off to College (I cried on the way home knowing his life has new wings, he is his own man now - reminiscing his childhood, the JOY he brought into our lives)..... 

Something within was stirring.... One night out of boredom....I stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG scanning Old photos, decided to make a "Movie Maker Video" (recently made one for son's Grad party) ...this time I devoted it to just Me & my husband.... I added this sappy love song.... 
 This I Promise You by Ronan Keating .......when I played this thing back... watching our  faces grace that screen, year after year...our joys, the vacations, all those beautiful memories we treasure, baby after baby after baby....this RUSH of emotions came over me like a torrential flood... I sat there with my head in my hands, tears running down my face...... wanting to reach into that screen and grab my young husband & never let go.... 

Suddenly I realized.... We are getting OLDER ...I didn't like that thought! Where did all the time go...these years slipped through our fingers like sand... we were so busy planning / doing...living for our children.... here I was 42...and he was 45... 

Then I realized something else... I've been missing my husband for years, he was always there right beside me, holding my hand, we were always so very close... yet I wasn't fully seeing HIM, seeing & celebrating *US* ..... I suddenly wanted to go back in time something fierce.... to recapture what I feel we neglected along the way...the Romantic... the exciting..The







.... the Sexual....









I never did sleep that night.... he got up for work, I was ALL over him...he will say it all started that morning.... I tend to call my *"Mid Life Crisis"*... my Sexual Awakening.... I planned lavish Romantic Vacations ...just felt like running away with him ...to get away from the kids...

We did Rock concerts, played sex games, started Renting Porn... all these "How to" videos as before this time, I had too much "Good girl" thinking, we were very vanilla....all I wanted to do was SPICE & seduce my husband... he wasn't sure what hit him ........this was a part of our marriage I neglected...even though he was having some difficulty keeping up with me..we worked through it all....My MLC has been one of our greatest blessings. 

With this...came a flurry of intimate communication... we realized where we missed it...sometimes with tears... his vulnerability grew with me... with the hormonal spell I seemed under.... I also wanted more aggressive







, this seemed to he a hardship for my husband...still working on that a little bit. But life is very good, Love Being Married. 

Just a thought...if you want to revive the PASSION.. make a "Movie Maker Video" of your life &







together.


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## Ikaika

I should have redefined mine as MLC (major life crisis), and simply put my last statement where I did not have time for selfishness means I never had time for a mid-life crisis.


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## artlady

> This seems to be very common, which is why the LBS has to cut them free. Only the person in crises can resolve their issues. As much as they'd love to, the LBS cannot "fix" their spouse.


Well, while it *was* me partly leaving him alone, but there were things I did that stayed in his head. I wrote in another thread here that mid-separation, I sent him a long "Thank You" letter, thanking him for all the little and big moments in our relationship (don't ask me why I did it; I used to be a writer and that's how I express myself best). In the beginning of the separation, I sent a short email just talking about how I was 100% resolved to giving us another chance. He read both of these multiple times while we were apart. And there were the phone calls where I told him I still loved him... He told me before that had I not done any of these things, he would have thought I didn't love him and there wasn't anything to come home to. So, I would say it was good that I put all that out there to "remind" him, so to speak.



> Unfortunately, for whatever reason, not everyone is able to do this. I think some just have tougher issues, or a tougher time dealing with their midlife issues than others.


I think it could also be said some people just don't *want* to. I think it's the same as some people who are married multiple times (and I mean 4, 5, 6 times and more...). I know a few people like that. My FIL is someone who just gave up a couple of times, and I'm pretty sure that an MLC was the reason for one of them.

But touching on something *Anon Pink* said, it doesn't matter the length of time; just because my H was gone for only ten weeks (although it seemed SO MUCH longer than that) doesn't mean it wasn't catastrophic. It's amazing how much damage can be done emotionally (not to mention financially) in such a short time, and it's not easy or quick to drag yourself out of severe depression. And my H spent a long time beating himself up and making it up to me and especially our daughters. But his problems absolutely needed to be touched on (and the problems he created because of his MLC); we're lucky that we found our way back to each other and were able to make a better marriage.



> Best wishes to you and your "new" hubby!


:smthumbup: Thanks!


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## AlmostYoung

Anon Pink said:


> A person in a good relationship doesn't wake up one day and rewrite history. The person who does that is the person who has been mildly unhappy for a while and they've reached a point where they've decided they want more out of life than mildly tolerable relationships.
> 
> A mildly tolerable or even horrible relationship is not required for a MLC. A person can have had few to no complaints about the marriage and their life for years, and in fact still wake up wanting something new, something more. Often this happens after a major life incident, like the death of a parent.
> 
> I also think a MLC label is sometimes put on a situation that is not. Being unhappy with ones spouse of many years doesn't necessarily mean one is in MLC.
> 
> My H responded and that's why we are still together. If he had continued in his normal way, we would not be together.
> 
> I agree it is imperative that the LBS look within and make any necessary changes at this time, for himself and his partner. We should always be looking for ways to grow, and become better people/partners. Blaming all the failures in the marriage on his/her MLC will not cut it. None of us are perfect.
> 
> Having said that, I have read MANY stories where the LBS made every requested change, jumped through every hoop, and it didn't help one bit to bring the spouse in crises back into the M, because they were still _dealing with their internal issues which really had NOTHING to do with the marriage._.. which was actually pretty darn good by almost anyone else's account.
> 
> *Anything can be insurmountable and anything can be adaptable. *I don't know what issues you are having in your marriage, is it okay if I take a peak at your posts?


Agreed with the bolded. There can always be hope. 

I really don't want to make this thread about me. My first post at TAM was about my wife's MLC, and it turned out to be just about the MOST unhelpful thing I could have done. So after a couple of months I deleted it. Thankfully I never gave up on my wife, and have found much support for saving and remaking our marriage. Wife is not on board yet, but is hanging in there. I think we will make it, but even if our marriage doesn't, I know I will.

If there are any MLC experts on TAM, they sure don't post much, which was part of my motivation for starting this thread. While I certainly don't consider myself an expert, I have learned quite a bit about both of us, and MLC over the past year.

Thanks everyone for your input. I will be off line for a bit preparing for an important presentation at my work, but will return.


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## Anon Pink

SimplyAmorous said:


> Just a thought...if you want to revive the PASSION.. make a "Movie Maker Video" of your life & together.


I had to comment on this. About 10 years ago I was heavily into scrap booking and going through all the old photos opened my eyes to just how withdrawn and disengaged my H had been our whole life together! In every picture of us, except for ONE, it was me leaning into him and him backing away. I even pointed out to him all our early pics together looked like this. Then there was a long period of time during which there were NO pictures of us together unless a couple of kids separated us. And again, it was me leaning into and connecting with the kids while he seemed aloof and distant. 

Now I look back with sadness. All those years I was consumed with the kids he felt cut off and not once did he ever object or speak up. How much time we've wasted!!!!


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## artlady

Oh, wow, that's almost exactly like my old photos situation. Quite a few before the kids... then after the kids, it's a rare page in the photo albums (or on the computer) where, if we're in pictures together, the kids aren't either standing in front of us or between us. I think I can only think of about five of just my H and I. Realizing that, seeing that, was so incredibly sad.

We remedied that after we got back together. There are SO many pictures of us now, just the two of us, and I've got half a dozen in frames around the house.


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## AlmostYoung

If your spouse is going through a MLC, *resist all urges to pull out the photos in an effort to "show" them how happy they really were. *I know they likely stayed in the marriage for decades with few complaints, and you're sure to have loads of smiling pics, but it won't work. 

They'll see something else because they are viewing the past from a new perspective now. Not bad, not good, not %100 inaccurate, but new.


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