# What else is she telling me?



## Crowe (Jan 5, 2013)

A few weeks ago my wife and I had an argument that really woke me up. It seemed like my actions had caused her to check out emotionally. It seemed very sudden. It was related to my quick temper and irritability. This really shook me up, and brought me out of my "stress fog". I take responsibility for my behavior and am letting go of my stress and frustrations. Since then we have been very close, having constructive conversation, spending time together, dates, very close emotionally, great sex. Im learning a lot. Started reading Kay's Primer. I'm learning that she felt as though she has had to "walk on egg shells" around me for the past year to avoid triggering my temper. She has let me know that she would like to see me take better care of myself physically. I could stand to lose 20 to 30 lbs. She started reading the "mommy porn" books several months ago. Fifty Shades, Sylvia Day, Twilight. It spiked our sex life and seems to have triggered some new excitement in bed. Im realizing that i may have come close to setting her up to look elsewhere. Is she looking for alpha male traits in her readings? She is 40 y/o, beautiful, fit and sexy. 
As for me, My attitude has changed, Stress and frustration seemed to vanish when I realized that she is tired of my Sh-t. I have started exercising. I am deeply attracted to her and love her. I am taking a better approach with the kids and realize my need to be viewed as more socially upbeat. Im trying to understand what she needs from me at this time in her life and wonder what else her words and actions are telling me. Thanks.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Good for you for making changes! I am so very happy that your wife has communicated her feelings rather than suffer in silence.

My exHusband (22 yrs) had a bad temper & I had to walk on eggshells around him. His "moods" dictated the entire household. I begged him to get help. He refused. I went to counseling alone. I hung on until the children were grown, then left. He was shocked.

Lose the weight, keep reading your books & find ways to control your temper.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Crowe said:


> As for me, My attitude has changed, Stress and frustration seemed to vanish when I realized that she is tired of my Sh-t.


Funny how that happens!

Good for you on making changes. It sounds like you're doing what you need to, and that your wife will answer those questions as you continue to let her know that she's more important than all those little stresses that can interfere with our days.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

That is fantastic, kudos dude!

What's left is to get her talking, and LISTEN, if you don't already. As men, we tend to miss the importance of that.


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## Crowe (Jan 5, 2013)

Emerald said:


> Good for you for making changes! I am so very happy that your wife has communicated her feelings rather than suffer in silence.
> 
> My exHusband (22 yrs) had a bad temper & I had to walk on eggshells around him. His "moods" dictated the entire household. I begged him to get help. He refused. I went to counseling alone. I hung on until the children were grown, then left. He was shocked.
> 
> Lose the weight, keep reading your books & find ways to control your temper.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size

My wife let me know just that. She will not live that way when the kids are gone. No reason to live that way now. I'm thankful she set me straight .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good for you for paying attention!! Now follow through is what will save your marriage.

I suggest that you read the books liked to in for building a passionate marriage in my signature block below. They are from Marriage Builders who also have a marriage enrichment weekend that might be a marriage rejuvenator for the two of you. It would be a nice, romantic long weekend to work on your marriage.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Crowe said:


> A few weeks ago my wife and I had an argument that really woke me up. It seemed like my actions had caused her to check out emotionally. It seemed very sudden. It was related to my quick temper and irritability. This really shook me up, and brought me out of my "stress fog". I take responsibility for my behavior and am letting go of my stress and frustrations. Since then we have been very close, having constructive conversation, spending time together, dates, very close emotionally, great sex. Im learning a lot. Started reading Kay's Primer. I'm learning that she felt as though she has had to "walk on egg shells" around me for the past year to avoid triggering my temper. She has let me know that she would like to see me take better care of myself physically. I could stand to lose 20 to 30 lbs. She started reading the "mommy porn" books several months ago. Fifty Shades, Sylvia Day, Twilight. It spiked our sex life and seems to have triggered some new excitement in bed. Im realizing that i may have come close to setting her up to look elsewhere. Is she looking for alpha male traits in her readings? She is 40 y/o, beautiful, fit and sexy.
> As for me, My attitude has changed, Stress and frustration seemed to vanish when I realized that she is tired of my Sh-t. I have started exercising. I am deeply attracted to her and love her. I am taking a better approach with the kids and realize my need to be viewed as more socially upbeat. Im trying to understand what she needs from me at this time in her life and wonder what else her words and actions are telling me. Thanks.


Good for you in taking this crisis seriously and taking action. If you are reading Athol Kay's Primer you are already on your way. He also has a forum where people dig even deeper and share what has worked for them. One thing I read from Athol and I don't know if its in the primer or if its in one of his post primer blog posts is that you have to become conscious. Have a conscious relationship with your wife. Don't just listen to her words but watch her actions and reactions. Learn to read her body language. I know when my wife is happy and I also know why even if she doesn't. I also know when she is anxious or upset even if she says she's fine. These are important things to be aware of but remember its a process and the journey is much more important than the destination. In fact I don't think anyone is actually ever finished. As long as you are taking steps forward and not standing still you are already winning the battle.


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## lonewolf8545 (Jan 12, 2013)

Good job changing your ways. Congratulations. Now go have fun.


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## Crowe (Jan 5, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Funny how that happens!
> 
> Good for you on making changes. It sounds like you're doing what you need to, and that your wife will answer those questions as you continue to let her know that she's more important than all those little stresses that can interfere with our days.


Funny is right. Or tragic. Why did It take so long for me to understand. I needed to be shaken hard to wake up. Thank god I finally got the message.
My family deserves better. Life is too short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crowe (Jan 5, 2013)

bfree said:


> Good for you in taking this crisis seriously and taking action. If you are reading Athol Kay's Primer you are already on your way. He also has a forum where people dig even deeper and share what has worked for them. One thing I read from Athol and I don't know if its in the primer or if its in one of his post primer blog posts is that you have to become conscious. Have a conscious relationship with your wife. Don't just listen to her words but watch her actions and reactions. Learn to read her body language. I know when my wife is happy and I also know why even if she doesn't. I also know when she is anxious or upset even if she says she's fine. These are important things to be aware of but remember its a process and the journey is much more important than the destination. In fact I don't think anyone is actually ever finished. As long as you are taking steps forward and not standing still you are already winning the battle.


I can admit being a destination oriented person. I have stood still, at times because as a husband and father I had to put my head down and do the work. 4 kids , one income and the last one in the batting order for my wife's affection. The way it has to be sometimes. But that time has gone. The kids are older (still young but more independent). I think I got stuck in that mindset until recently. I can tell you that I read some things on this site that scared the hell out of me. Talk about tuning into her words , body language, texting, Facebook, friendships,etc. I have always been tuned into her, but never this intensely. My anxiety has eased related to the possibility that she may have taken her needs down the road. I am very much enjoying my ability to listen, watch, and learn. This "tuning in" is extremely fulfilling. I am intoxicated by her and holy sh-t , is she showing her approval. I'm taking steps and enjoying the view. I know that this is an ongoing process, always changing, requiring close attention. She doesn't know that I'm reading Athol Kay's book. Should I share it with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Emerald said:


> I hung on until the children were grown, then left. *He was shocked*.


Those bold words are the most important words in this thread. Why? Because you have NO IDEA what is going on in her head. I am on this site because of my walk-away wife, so I've done some reading on the subject. And my reading tells they rarely come back once they're gone. And my reading tells me they rarely trust a man who is a former abuser. You can be perfect for a year, make ONE mistake, and you're that abuser she was afraid of. You're right back to square one.

If this were your wife posting and her question was "he seems to be changing, but I don't know. Can I trust him again?". The answer would be an almost unanimous "NO WAY".

This thread is too nice and happy and "didn't everything work out great". Well, sorry bud, but it isn't all that great. Your wife didn't sit you down and say "life partner, I love and cherish you, but there are some issues standing in the way we need to discuss". It didn't happen that way, right? She let it slip in an argument, right?

If she didn't let this slip, it would be your wife on this site 1, 5, 10 years down the road, starting a thread saying "I'm thinking of leaving my abusive husband, what should I do?", all these same gals giving you encouragement today will be telling your wife to "go girl, get out of that relationship TODAY".

My spin is that she is all lovey, dovey, and nice because she almost blew her safe life. Another walk-away-wife that didn't tell her husband. And we're all supposed to take this as a POSITIVE?

Look. I've obviously got issues with this. Just be careful. They DON'T come back that easily. Prepare yourself to be "shocked" down the road.

Sorry to rain on everybody's parade.


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## Crowe (Jan 5, 2013)

MrK said:


> Those bold words are the most important words in this thread. Why? Because you have NO IDEA what is going on in her head. I am on this site because of my walk-away wife, so I've done some reading on the subject. And my reading tells they rarely come back once they're gone. And my reading tells me they rarely trust a man who is a former abuser. You can be perfect for a year, make ONE mistake, and you're that abuser she was afraid of. You're right back to square one.
> 
> If this were your wife posting and her question was "he seems to be changing, but I don't know. Can I trust him again?". The answer would be an almost unanimous "NO WAY".
> 
> ...


MrK. Thank you for your response. I'm trying to have a better grasp of what you're telling me. In my instance she had been telling me over time that she didn't like my behavior and it needed to change. In effect this recent altercation shocked me into realizing that emotionally I was watching her check out. She did not leave or threaten to. I think that you're saying that if not for fear of losing her safe life, she would have walked. In effect that she left ( without leaving), and is already gone.
As far as the 1-5-10 years down the road, i own the responsibility to make and maintain the needed character improvements or risk losing her.
I feel that I'm lucky to have caught on at a moment that i perceive as having prevented her from detaching emotionally. 
I posted because I need to understand where she may be , that I am not aware of. I value your input. I'm trying to understand her position and anticipate if possible.
Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MrK said:


> Those bold words are the most important words in this thread. Why? Because you have NO IDEA what is going on in her head. I am on this site because of my walk-away wife, so I've done some reading on the subject. And my reading tells they rarely come back once they're gone. And my reading tells me they rarely trust a man who is a former abuser. You can be perfect for a year, make ONE mistake, and you're that abuser she was afraid of. You're right back to square one.
> 
> If this were your wife posting and her question was "he seems to be changing, but I don't know. Can I trust him again?". The answer would be an almost unanimous "NO WAY".
> 
> ...


I feel optimistic and upbeat because he *is* catching on and seems sincere about it, which is a great indication. But I think these are super important points to consider.


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## Crowe (Jan 5, 2013)

MrK, i read a little about the walk away wife syndrome. I have a lot to learn. You are saying that she has an exit strategy, and that i don't have any idea what she is thinking. That the trust is gone and rarely comes back. I am trying to find out what is going on in her head. 
I have asked her to share her thoughts, and yes, she is reluctant to tell me that the trust is back, wondering when I will resume my former behavior. Should I ask her if she has an exit strategy? Would she hide it?
I do feel that she has expressed to me in recent months that she can't see herself living this way when the kids are grown. I believe that she has been asking me to get my sh-t together and not trying to hide her feelings. 
I am here on TAM because i need to learn. Recent interactions with my wife have been great and at one time I may have thought "OK, this is fixed lets get on with life". I cant afford to let myself off that easily. I need to know how to interpret her position and conclude that either things are OK, or I'm in trouble. Either way I have work to do. I don't want to keep opening wounds by questioning her feelings and displaying my insecurity. I plan on letting the trust build and keeping on my current path. I graciously accept any suggested readings and advice. Thanks to all who have offered support and encouragement. Thanks also for the straight talk. This is a gift.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

First of all OP, spend time and take care of your kids because they're your kids. Not because you think anyone wants you to.

Generally though, just believing you deserve to be treated with respect and being respectful in return is the trick. Figuring out what she wants so you can change is dangerous if you compromise on core principles. I'm not saying to put your head in the sand and do whatever you want to. I'm just saying to be careful about molding yourself into someone that you're not.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Crowe said:


> ...emotionally I was watching her check out. She did not leave or threaten to. I think that you're saying that if not for fear of losing her safe life, she would have walked. In effect that she left ( without leaving), and is already gone.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The worst thing that ever happened to relationships in the world was when Tom Cruise jumped like an idiot on Oprah's couch. Oprah was onto something when she coined this term (or introduced it into popular culture anyway). But then Cruise acted like an ass, or another celebrity adopted an African baby or something else diverted the attention of the Oprah crowd, we stopped talking about this EPIDEMIC!!!!!!

That left two big voids:

1 - The discussion started with this big, long list of things that walk-away's do. You go down the list and eventually say, "that's not REALLY what happened to me/my wife. Kind of, but not really". Then you go to Parade magazine and forget about it. It should have been 2 points only:
- Your wife falls out of love with you, detaches emotionally.
- SHE DOESN'T TELL YOU!!

2 - A walk-away wife is a WAW because she DIDN'T actually walk. Think about it. If a wife literally "walks away", she's just another wife leaving the marriage. But she emotionally detaches and STAYS IN THE MARRIAGE???? That can't be. "My wife is still here. She's right in the kitchen. Walk-Away wife? That's not Lillian. Good gal that she is is right there making the kids lunches". 

So there you have it. MILLIONS of American men going about their days having NO IDEA that their wives are on a different PLANET when it comes to where they are on their marriages.



Crowe said:


> I have asked her to share her thoughts, and yes, she is reluctant to tell me that the trust is back, wondering when I will resume my former behavior. Should I ask her if she has an exit strategy? Would she hide it?


I have a horrible habit of looking at the other person in these posts. When a guy comes on here and asks "is my wife cheating?" and everyone says "HELL YES", I try to think of the other side of that coin. This is a perfect example. But I said it above. Your wife comes on here and asks "He's getting better, can I trust him?". The answer, particularly from the gals, would be a resounding "HELL NO". They don't change. Run for the hills". If your wife asks ANYBODY, they will tell her that. She controls the story. Just like you do here. Just like the betrayed spouse did above. They rarely come back. And after one talk to go from "I don't love you" to "I'm ready to work on it?" in a day? My gut tells me she is just trying to get back to the status quo that she almost blew. So:

"Should I ask her if she has an exit strategy?". No, because even if she had one, the answer would be...

"Would she hide it?" Who, the woman that just lied and said, to your face, "I really want to work on us"? Yes, she'll hide it.




Crowe said:


> I don't want to keep opening wounds by questioning her feelings and displaying my insecurity. I plan on letting the trust build and keeping on my current path.


Read up on the 180. Get better for you and your kids. Kind of ignore the part that says she may see the change and come along for the ride. PLEASE do not allow that to be your motivator. When you see no progress after a month, you get insecure and go crying back to her. But you've changed? Big-F'ing deal. As all these fine folks will tell your wife when she comes on, "they don't change". 

No? Well I did. After a year of trying to fix what I thought was a rut in my marriage, I couldn't understand why my wife would say all of the right things but never seem to be on board. Then in an argument about it, she finally let something slip that said, and I'm paraphrasing: "It's because I don't love you". Remember how I started in this thread by bolding Emerald's "*He Was shocked*"? Well, I have experience with that, my friend. You talk about a kick to the gut. And I'm going to behave again like the man that just found out he lost the love of his life? I'm going to risk losing my kids by acting that way? I changed IMMEDIATELY. Two years later, my wife is still gone. Here in the house, but still gone from my marriage. 

This is an epidemic that we still refuse to talk about. All of those smart, fine people above me posting with, essentially, "that's great OP, keep it up". Well, sorry to say again it's NOT great (or probably not, anyhow). A wife does not leave a marriage over the course of years, then, after accidentally letting her emotions slip, say "I'm ready to work on it".

And even the fine folks of TAM don't really get it yet. Another generation of women, OUR DAUGHTERS, doomed to failed marriages, and our son's will blindly follow. 

All because Madonna adopted a kid from Malawi at just the wrong time.


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