# depressed husband doesnt know what he wants ;(



## bannieb6 (Jan 17, 2012)

*depressed husband doesnt know what he wants ;( please help me*

here's the story... i need all the advice i can get 

my husband and i met about four years ago through myspace and at the time we lived over 300 miles apart. we talked on the phone and visited eachother for about six months before we decided to get together. Since the moment he asked me out, we both knew we loved eachother and were ment to be together as crazy as that may seem. it felt right and he felt the same as i which is why that same week he asked if i would marry him and i said yes. i moved to southern california where he lived not just because of him but because i was accepted to a university there and so it was perfect, we dated for about two years before we got married and life was great. i knew he suffered from depression and that it ran in his family because from the begining he was always and has always been very open and honest with me about everything. in his previous relationships he had felt like something was wrong when nothing obvious was and so he would subconsciously do things to push his partner into ending the relationship so that he wouldn't have to because he didnt want to hurt the persons feelings. he also admitted that being that his father suffered from depression all his life he did not want to put someone through the same things his father put his mother though.anyways, a month after our wedding we found out i was pregnant and just four months ago we gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. for about three month after her birth my mom stayed with us to help out with the baby and when she went back home my daughter and i went with her to visit for about a week before the holidays. When we got back from my parents house, that same day my husband got fired from his second job and being that we are going through some financial problems i thought that that was the reason for his depression and distance. two days after new years however he said that he wasnt happy. that he should be because he had such a beautiful daughter and a wonderful wife but that he wasnt and that i didnt deserve that. I then asked him if he wanted a divorce if he missed being single, if there was someone else he said it wasnt because he wanted to be single or that there was someone else because he still loves me and because there is noone else in the world like me but that he didnt know what he wanted and that he feels like we went too fast. he feels guilty for not telling me this before we got married but that he thought that the feeling was going to go away but instead it got worse and that the birth of our daughter took it over board. i asked him if he was willing to go to therapy to try and work it out before he made any rash decision and he said yes which was about a week two weeks ago. we decided to give therapy a try for about three months and if he still felt like he needed space or time to figure out what it was that he wanted that we would separate not divorce. today he says he cant take it anymore and that he needs his space. and he's saying that he's still going to be around that he's not going to abandon his daughter and that someday he'll explain to her to the best of his abilities why he had to leave. I want to think that he's thinking this way and feeling this way because of his depression and i'm trying really hard to be strong for the both of us because i love him with all my heart. he is truly my soul mate as cheesy as that may seem but its true and i am willing to do anything to save our marriage even give him his space but i just wanted to know if there was anyone out there who has gone or is going through something similar as i am. any advice. he has his first appointment with the psychologist tomorrow ( should i ask him to stay until he comes to some sort of conclucion with the therapist? should i let him move out? what should i do?) help me please ;(


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

So he didn't even give therapy a chance and turned around after he told you he would and said he needs space. 

This doesn't sound like someone who is suffering from depression. Sorry, I'm not saying he doesn't, because I'm sure he is/has, but this sounds more like someone who is confused about his marriage because there is someone else who is helping to cloud his thoughts on things. 

He just wants space to quickly all of a sudden and that he told you he can't take it anymore, exactly what is it he can't take anymore?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Is he still in the home, or did he leave after he told you he needed space?

If he left, where is he staying? 

Is he on medication for depression? If its that bad that he needs space, needs to leave, doesn't know what he wants etc, then perhaps he needs a medication adjustment if he is already on medication. 

I have to agree with what the above poster has stated though, this doesn't sound to much like depression right now. I don't know, maybe depression can cause people to want to leave and need space, but if thats the case then yes he needs to be seen by a doctor ASAP. I mean whats he so depressed about that he can't stay and work it out at home with his wife and child that he claims to love?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*today he says he cant take it anymore and that he needs his space. and he's saying that he's still going to be around that he's not going to abandon his daughter and that someday he'll explain to her to the best of his abilities why he had to leave*

Give him all the space he needs. He may be suffering from depression but the one thing that is certain is he's not fully committed to you right now. If he was, he'd be trying and he isn't trying. Him saying he's still "going to be around for your daughter" is basically him saying, he's done but will be a father to your child. 

Also, look at his past behavior--he strings women along while he is already done with the relationship, pushing them away until they end it themselves cause he is too much of a coward to (yuck).

Sounds like he's already out the door.

Protect yourself first and foremost. Sorry this happened but it sounds like he wasn't that committed to you if he is saying he felt all this in the beginning:

_*he feels guilty for not telling me this before we got married but that he thought that the feeling was going to go away but instead it got worse and that the birth of our daughter took it over board*_

He essentially has told you he's felt this way the entirety of your relationship. I would be pissed. You deserve a WHOLE lot better.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

*Re: depressed husband doesnt know what he wants ;( please help me*



bannieb6 said:


> he has his first appointment with the psychologist tomorrow ( should i ask him to stay until he comes to some sort of conclucion with the therapist? should i let him move out? what should i do?) help me please ;(


Yes, you should ask him to stay until after the 3 months of therapy. Isn't that what he told you he would do, give therapy 3 months at least, then if he still felt the way he does, then you all would separate?

So it seems he isn't keeping up his end of the deal, he wants to all of a sudden leave, because he needs space. Has he ever actually been diagnosed with depression, has a doctor he sees on a regular basis, and is on medicine? Or did he just tell you he had depression? I just hope he isn't using that as an excuse for something else he is doing/hiding behind. 

Also, if he does leave, has he said where he would be going/staying?


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## bannieb6 (Jan 17, 2012)

bannieb6 said:


> here's the story... i need all the advice i can get
> 
> my husband and i met about four years ago through myspace and at the time we lived over 300 miles apart. we talked on the phone and visited eachother for about six months before we decided to get together. Since the moment he asked me out, we both knew we loved eachother and were ment to be together as crazy as that may seem. it felt right and he felt the same as i which is why that same week he asked if i would marry him and i said yes. i moved to southern california where he lived not just because of him but because i was accepted to a university there and so it was perfect, we dated for about two years before we got married and life was great. i knew he suffered from depression and that it ran in his family because from the begining he was always and has always been very open and honest with me about everything. in his previous relationships he had felt like something was wrong when nothing obvious was and so he would subconsciously do things to push his partner into ending the relationship so that he wouldn't have to because he didnt want to hurt the persons feelings. he also admitted that being that his father suffered from depression all his life he did not want to put someone through the same things his father put his mother though.anyways, a month after our wedding we found out i was pregnant and just four months ago we gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. for about three month after her birth my mom stayed with us to help out with the baby and when she went back home my daughter and i went with her to visit for about a week before the holidays. When we got back from my parents house, that same day my husband got fired from his second job and being that we are going through some financial problems i thought that that was the reason for his depression and distance. two days after new years however he said that he wasnt happy. that he should be because he had such a beautiful daughter and a wonderful wife but that he wasnt and that i didnt deserve that. I then asked him if he wanted a divorce if he missed being single, if there was someone else he said it wasnt because he wanted to be single or that there was someone else because he still loves me and because there is noone else in the world like me but that he didnt know what he wanted and that he feels like we went too fast. he feels guilty for not telling me this before we got married but that he thought that the feeling was going to go away but instead it got worse and that the birth of our daughter took it over board. i asked him if he was willing to go to therapy to try and work it out before he made any rash decision and he said yes which was about a week two weeks ago. we decided to give therapy a try for about three months and if he still felt like he needed space or time to figure out what it was that he wanted that we would separate not divorce. today he says he cant take it anymore and that he needs his space. and he's saying that he's still going to be around that he's not going to abandon his daughter and that someday he'll explain to her to the best of his abilities why he had to leave. I want to think that he's thinking this way and feeling this way because of his depression and i'm trying really hard to be strong for the both of us because i love him with all my heart. he is truly my soul mate as cheesy as that may seem but its true and i am willing to do anything to save our marriage even give him his space but i just wanted to know if there was anyone out there who has gone or is going through something similar as i am. any advice. he has his first appointment with the psychologist tomorrow ( should i ask him to stay until he comes to some sort of conclucion with the therapist? should i let him move out? what should i do?) help me please ;(


he's not on any medication right now because he says he's been on one medication once and it didn't work but my best friend also suffers from depression and she had to try about a dozen different meds before they found the one that worked for her. When I told him that he said his type of depression wasn't curable but that he was willing to try. I know its depression because he's been suicidal twice before (before we met, a friend of ours was the one who took him and put him on psychiatric watch the second time) but he says he's not at that point yet. I honestly don't think its because of someone else, I've talked to his friend whom he's been confiding in and he says there's no one else. His dad suffered and has always suffered from depression aswell and being that he's the oldest son he saw and remembers everything his dad put his mom through because of it and he said he made a promise to himself that he would never do that to anyone so I feel that he's trying to push me away to try and avoid that... This morning I caught him looking at out daughter and
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bannieb6 (Jan 17, 2012)

bannieb6 said:


> here's the story... i need all the advice i can get
> 
> my husband and i met about four years ago through myspace and at the time we lived over 300 miles apart. we talked on the phone and visited eachother for about six months before we decided to get together. Since the moment he asked me out, we both knew we loved eachother and were ment to be together as crazy as that may seem. it felt right and he felt the same as i which is why that same week he asked if i would marry him and i said yes. i moved to southern california where he lived not just because of him but because i was accepted to a university there and so it was perfect, we dated for about two years before we got married and life was great. i knew he suffered from depression and that it ran in his family because from the begining he was always and has always been very open and honest with me about everything. in his previous relationships he had felt like something was wrong when nothing obvious was and so he would subconsciously do things to push his partner into ending the relationship so that he wouldn't have to because he didnt want to hurt the persons feelings. he also admitted that being that his father suffered from depression all his life he did not want to put someone through the same things his father put his mother though.anyways, a month after our wedding we found out i was pregnant and just four months ago we gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. for about three month after her birth my mom stayed with us to help out with the baby and when she went back home my daughter and i went with her to visit for about a week before the holidays. When we got back from my parents house, that same day my husband got fired from his second job and being that we are going through some financial problems i thought that that was the reason for his depression and distance. two days after new years however he said that he wasnt happy. that he should be because he had such a beautiful daughter and a wonderful wife but that he wasnt and that i didnt deserve that. I then asked him if he wanted a divorce if he missed being single, if there was someone else he said it wasnt because he wanted to be single or that there was someone else because he still loves me and because there is noone else in the world like me but that he didnt know what he wanted and that he feels like we went too fast. he feels guilty for not telling me this before we got married but that he thought that the feeling was going to go away but instead it got worse and that the birth of our daughter took it over board. i asked him if he was willing to go to therapy to try and work it out before he made any rash decision and he said yes which was about a week two weeks ago. we decided to give therapy a try for about three months and if he still felt like he needed space or time to figure out what it was that he wanted that we would separate not divorce. today he says he cant take it anymore and that he needs his space. and he's saying that he's still going to be around that he's not going to abandon his daughter and that someday he'll explain to her to the best of his abilities why he had to leave. I want to think that he's thinking this way and feeling this way because of his depression and i'm trying really hard to be strong for the both of us because i love him with all my heart. he is truly my soul mate as cheesy as that may seem but its true and i am willing to do anything to save our marriage even give him his space but i just wanted to know if there was anyone out there who has gone or is going through something similar as i am. any advice. he has his first appointment with the psychologist tomorrow ( should i ask him to stay until he comes to some sort of conclucion with the therapist? should i let him move out? what should i do?) help me please ;(


he's not on any medication right now because he says he's been on one medication once and it didn't work but my best friend also suffers from depression and she had to try about a dozen different meds before they found the one that worked for her. When I told him that he said his type of depression wasn't curable but that he was willing to try. I know its depression because he's been suicidal twice before (before we met, a friend of ours was the one who took him and put him on psychiatric watch the second time) but he says he's not at that point yet. I honestly don't think its because of someone else, I've talked to his friend whom he's been confiding in and he says there's no one else. His dad suffered and has always suffered from depression aswell and being that he's the oldest son he saw and remembers everything his dad put his mom through because of it and he said he made a promise to himself that he would never do that to anyone so I feel that he's trying to push me away to try and avoid that... This morning I caught him looking at out daughter and I while we slept with tears in his eyes and that makes it harder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Here is my suggestion. He needs to see a doctor about the depression. He shouldn't give up after only trying one kind of medicine. I would suggest some MC for you both, and maybe even some IC for him. It seems he just wants to give up and not try, and that the answer for him is to just leave etc. Thats not a healthy way to be or live. Depression can be very hard on the person dealing with it and the family. Getting into some therapy to help you all cope/deal is probably best right now. Has he said where he would go if he left?


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## bannieb6 (Jan 17, 2012)

thank you ... no he hasnt said but from what ive been hearing it sounds like he would rent a room at his friend's house cus he honestly cant afford to rent a place on his own.. we're barely making it as it is. he's going to see a psychologist for the first time today about his depression but i dont know if i should go with him or let him go alone this initial visit, should i call the psychologist and let her know the situation to see if she suggest i go or just so she knows to address the subject?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

bannieb6 said:


> thank you ... no he hasnt said but from what ive been hearing it sounds like he would rent a room at his friend's house cus he honestly cant afford to rent a place on his own.. we're barely making it as it is. he's going to see a psychologist for the first time today about his depression but i dont know if i should go with him or let him go alone this initial visit, should i call the psychologist and let her know the situation to see if she suggest i go or just so she knows to address the subject?


It wouldn't hurt to call and at least see. 

I'm not sure why him renting a room at his friends would be any different than being with you and his daughter. Depression will follow him no matter where he goes until he can get on some new meds and at least talk with a counselor about things. I'm sure he sees it as, if he leaves then you and your child wont have to go through what he saw his dad put his mother through, BUT just up and leaving is not a way to deal with things. If he is fully committed to you and his child then he needs to stay so you all can get into some counseling together. Depression is a family thing, not a one person thing.


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## bannieb6 (Jan 17, 2012)

i agree, ive been so scared to bring up the subject but i have to i know. And i know that if he leaves and then comes back it's bound to happen again because we wouldn't of dealt with the real issue. From what he's said in the past he says he's willing to try because he doesn't want to live with what ifs and because he says that what if he changes his mind and when he comes back and wants to be with me what if i've already found some one, i tell him lets just take it one day at a time not get to ahead of ourselves but i can understand that'd be hard to do when he's depressed and that's all that depressed people do is think about all the negative things in life. I'm going to call his psychologist see if she can recommend a specific marriage councelor and see what he says if he's truly willing to try and work it out.


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## bannieb6 (Jan 17, 2012)

So husband went to the therapist today and was diagnosed with medium anxiety and severe depression ... I'm happy and sad.at the same time, happy because we know what we.re dealing with is definitely depression sad... Because of the fact that he has depression and its so much worse than I thought...she also said that we need to hold off on marriage counseling until he works on his depression first. I just have to germander to be strong through this process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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