# Can anyone spot a serial cheater?



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I just think that would be the worst fate in the world, to married to one. I imagine during the courtship, they're in remission so you obvious signs that you're dating a serial cheater might not be there.

For any of you who has dealt with one, either dating or being married to, what signs did you notice htat made you think then this person is a serial cheater. Or an early warning signal that you wish you had heeded?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Please see a thread on "Red flags" - a very recent one.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Please see a thread on "Red flags" - a very recent one.


But do any of the posts deal specifically with spotting a serial cheater as opposed to a partner cheating.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

there are websites for your question.
I suggest Lying and Infidelity in Romantic Relationships - Truth About Deception


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I knew in the back of my mind my ex h was and still is a serial cheater. I was pregnant, so the best thing I thought was to marry him. There were very big red flags, but at 19 I ignored them.

Pre-marriage---He was about to leave, condom in back pocket. Duh!--- He went camping with his buddy and two girls with two tents. My best friend and I went up to their campsite to surprise them, boy were we ever surprised to see this.--- Calling him late at night with girls in the background.

I thought he would change after we married, but it got worse. He'd leave every weekend taking my car after I got home from work and didn't come home until 5-7am. He would pick a fight with me just to leave the house and cheat.

I later found out that he was sleeping with several people, he tried very hard to get in bed with my friend, that's when I left. My ex was also abusive. We did not have any happy moments together. Even our wedding night, he left the reception for nearly the whole night. Came back before it ended. He always left me stranded too.

18 years later, he's pulling the same crap with his wife, who moved in 3 days after I left. His abuse has gotten worse, but his wife stays with him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

skankdar?

playdar?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

While I'm sure there are red flags, I don't think you can reliably spot a serial cheater any more than you can spot a serial murderer, or a very good thief -- I mean, Bernie Madoff's best friends thought he was a heckuva guy.

Part of why con men are con men is because they can make you believe anything.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lamaga said:


> While I'm sure there are red flags, I don't think you can reliably spot a serial cheater any more than you can spot a serial murderer, or a very good thief -- I mean, Bernie Madoff's best friends thought he was a heckuva guy.
> 
> Part of why con men are con men is because they can make you believe anything.


I have read accounts of people in the finance industry who questioned Madoff's results and did not advise their clients to use them. So more often than you think, there are some leading (as oppose to lagging) red flags.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lamaga said:


> While I'm sure there are red flags, I don't think you can reliably spot a serial cheater any more than you can spot a serial murderer, or a very good thief -- I mean, Bernie Madoff's best friends thought he was a heckuva guy.
> 
> Part of why con men are con men is because they can make you believe anything.


I agree and a cheater who is once caught and continues is a serial cheater who has learned how to avoid showing red flags to the spouse. 

At one cheaters site, the interviewer asked how the serial cheater wife prevented being caught. 

She said she ensure nothing changed at home during an affair. 

Sex was same frequency and so was everything else. She didn't pick fights, etc. 

She avoided all the known red flags and did not use regularcell phone texting or email texting. They would call from office phones or burn phones, and/or they had a standing date to meet, but varied their meeting places.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I have read accounts of people in the finance industry who questioned Madoff's results and did not advise their clients to use them. So more often than you think, there are some leading (as oppose to lagging) red flags.


IMO, the best thing to do is to have a detective follow them during lunch hour or if and when they go out with the girl's/boy's at night.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> ^^So what was he like?
> 
> Why were you with him?
> 
> What attracted you to him?


Uh, he was the most angry person I've ever seen. I was with him due to an unplanned pregnancy. It was a big life lesson I was meant to learn. I was not attracted to him emotionally or physically, but I tried my hardest to make things work.

I'm much happier now and been married for the last 12 years to the most wonderful man!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> Why did you have sex with him in the first place?


I made a mistake. It was wrong and I paid the price. I just turned 19. 

However, I have the most wonderful child who I'm very proud of! She will succeed very well in life and will soon start college in law enforcement upon joining the military.

Life is very good now. I'm very much in love with my husband. He feelings are mutual towards me.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Condoms in wallets or purses or car glove compartments or gym bags or briefcases are a sign. Excessive self-grooming at odd times. Periods of time where the person is not logically accounted for.

There are many kinds of serial cheaters, though. Some do this because they are insecure, some because they are self-entitled, some because they are narcissistic, and some because they are immature. I'm sure there are other reasons, too, but I'd say that in general, the "red flags" will vary with the reasons. 

Very experienced serial cheaters know how to cover their tracks, especially if they are a bit on the paranoid side; inexperienced ones don't, especially if they're on the carefree side. 

Something in your gut will tell you if a guy is being really devoted to you or just going through the motions; usually, your brain is picking up things you have yet to process and your intuition will kick in. 

If a guy is making you feel unstable or overly stable and you sense you're being manipulated, sometimes, that's a sign of masking behavior, I think. 

If I guy seems shifty or frequently not present with you, I think that's a sign of secrecy and that could indicate cheating, but doesn't always.

More useful would be so pay attention to whether a man is trustworthy. People who are untrustworthy might be serial cheaters, though not all of them are.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Moxy, that's a good summary.

In my experience, serial cheaters are good liars, because they're so experienced at it. Not all liars will cheat, but there's a strong correlation.

I'm also a strong believer in many cheaters, and especially serial cheaters, have very dominant narcissistic tendancies. If you are dating someone who show's a sense of entitlement,can't take criticism, is controlling, indifferent in how they treat people, then run for the hills.

I also think that cheats are never humble. If you find someone who shows true humility, then your chances are much better, IMHO.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Regarding lying, if someone is important to me or trying to be important to me, I start sifting through the various conversations and making sure that he's not contradicting himself. That's one way to catch a liar.

In fact, I will purposely wait until later conversations to ask a question I am thinking of.


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

These are a few signs of a serial cheater:

If he doesn’t even apologize for his back stabbing actions, that’s a very bad sign. If he doesn’t show any remorse and tries to blame it all on you (by accusing you of not satisfying his needs or caring enough), he is probably on his way out of the marriage, or planning his next affair.

s he willing to listen to how this makes you feel? Even if you are repeating the same things you said yesterday? Is he willing to contain your pain and emotions?

If not, if he runs away from every conversation about the affair, it’s a bad sign. It means that he doesn’t want to feel guilty about something he may do AGAIN.

According to research, the second most common reason for men to cheat (the first one is lack of emotional attention) is the quantity of sex in their marriage (Not quality). Some people have a very high sex drive while others are less interested in a lot of sex.If your spouse wants it all the time and is constantly frustrated by the quantity of sex, it’s more likely that he will cheat again. Serial cheaters were found to be addicted to the excitement of a new affair.

If your spouse suffers from performance anxiety or sexual anxiety and has low self esteem, he is more likely to become a serial cheater. The type of cheating will probably be one night stands or paid sex, because these are women that he doesn’t care about and therefore doesn’t feel he has anything to prove to them. 

Hope this helps.


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