# Sexless marriage



## Rhapsodee (May 11, 2016)

I live in a sexless marriage. My husband is a good man. He is in good health and has no health issues. He is kind and affectionate with me but declines sex. He is in his early 60's but it has been about 10 years since we have had a regular sex life. He says he is past that and will be happy when I am too. He believes that a marriage is more than sex. I am miserable because I need sex and he is the only one I can have sex with. It is not fair to me that he is happily celibate and expects me to me too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Very simple. 
He is NOT going to satisfy your needs for sex. 
So, is losing your husband over this worth it? Only you can decide. 
Or, you can ask him if it's ok to have sex with someone else since he won't have it with you. That is fair. I think it's a bad idea, but it's fair. If he couldn't get it up for a medical reason, it wouldn't be fair, but that's not the case.

You've done it for 10 years. You'll do it forever, if you choose. 
I'm not saying divorce, but as far as sex goes--- it's not happening with your husband. I wouldn't even try.

JMO


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

A


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This is surprisingly common and really really miserable - many men and women are in this situation. There are a lot of threads here on this - LD/HD (low desire /high desire) is a good term to search for. 

Was he always fairly low libido or did this happen suddenly? When you did have sex, was he an enthusiastic, generous lover? Any medical issues that might be related?

I'm in my mid 50s and I hope to never be "past that". I'd make love to my wife every day if she were willing.

Sex is really important for happiness to many people. A marriage vow is not supposed to be a vow of celibacy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This was written by a woman...found it in the net years ago.. it speaks to the emotional Need, it's comfort, the loss... if your husband does not understand this or care..... you have choices too, this is your life.. our time is short.. marriage was never intended to be like this, but to share intimacy, to please each other.. he is very selfish.. it's not OK.. 



> *This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like
> *
> 
> This post is not about virtue. It is not an ask for sympathy. It attempts to explore what I've learned about sex and sexuality since sex ended within my long-term relationship. I won't say much about why, because half of it is not my story to tell and I have no right. Just know that because of illness and after sharing a normal, monogamous, sexually active relationship for nearly a decade, my spouse suddenly lost the need, desire, and passion for sex.
> ...


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Rhapsodee said:


> I live in a sexless marriage. My husband is a good man. He is in good health and has no health issues. He is kind and affectionate with me but declines sex. He is in his early 60's but it has been about 10 years since we have had a regular sex life. He says he is past that and will be happy when I am too. He believes that a marriage is more than sex. I am miserable because I need sex and he is the only one I can have sex with. It is not fair to me that he is happily celibate and expects me to me too.


I'm in the reverse situation and in my early 50s. A marriage is more than sex, but without sex, it isn't a marriage, just a partnership. I got over it.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Having been in the same situation, I really feel for you. Not to be sexist, but I think it is harder for women, than men in this situation. Most women grow into adults constantly having men try to get them into bed so it is so so hard to comprehend that the man you love and marry is not wanting it. It's such a huge rejection and blow to the self esteem. I am very sorry you are going through this. You can't *****foot around this. Let him know how important this is to you and that you did not sign up for a sexless marriage and you have no intention of living without sex. Let him know how much you love him and how it is difficult to feel completely close to him without that intimacy and that you don't want to be with anyone but him. He has to know that if he isn't willing to compromise or meet you half way that you may not be able to stay in the marriage. Again, sorry you are dealing with this.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am going to give you a nuclear option for communicating. . .and I normally wouldn't recommend this on a "dry spell", but 10 years isn't a "dry spell" - it's neglect.

I want you to do this:

A. Lock all the bathrooms in the house from the outside. Confiscate the keys.
B. When he gets home from work, or maybe when he gets up in the morning, you decide the timing he'll have to go.
C. As he starts going from bathroom to bathroom, he will get frustrated. Maybe even get angry. He'll ask you what's going on. Tell him you hid the keys and refuse to give it to him.

Ask him, "Now, how do you feel? Are you frustrated? Getting angry with me? yeah. How about that?"

"Just as we didn't buy this house for the bathrooms and we would get pretty damn miffed if someone took them away, it's the same thing with my marriage. . .I didn't marry you for the sex, but I'm pretty damn miffed that you took it away. How you feel right now is EXACTLY how I feel."

Let him suffer for 20-45 minutes. He certainly won't die even if he wets himself.

I wish I had done this with my ex-wife. You need to reach them on a visceral level I'm sorry to say.

You know, I'm sorry it's humiliating to some degree for them, but you are feeling humiliated too on some level.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Great plan except the bathroom seeker can drive to the nearest store where relief will be available...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

POINT: Great plan except the bathroom seeker can drive to the nearest store where relief will be available...

COUNTERPOINT: I see you are getting your bathroom needs met elsewhere, huh?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I spent years neglecting my husband's sexually needs and in the end I cheated myself out of something wonderful that we could have had our whole marriage. Sex is important in a marriage... Is there a medical reason that your husband does not have a sex drive. Mine was deminshed by medication and it took me a few years to realize what was causing it. I don't think anyone is ever happy celibate, I think you can become comfortable and train yourself to be happy, if that makes any sense. I would ask your husband for an honest reason why he won't have sex with you. Does he not find you attractive, does he have trouble maintaining an erection or is he masterbating and its driving his need to have sex with you down to nothing. I agree with Fitnessfan, he needs to know that you are not happy with this arrangement and you need to come to an agreement where both parties are happy. Best of luck to you..I hope it all works out.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think as others have said you have to ask him if he is okay with you getting a boyfriend on the side....often it is knowing that the other person is considering doing that gives the other person a wake up call.

Tough situation for sure and very unfair to you.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> Having been in the same situation, I really feel for you. Not to be sexist, but I think it is harder for women, than men in this situation. Most women grow into adults constantly having men try to get them into bed so it is so so hard to comprehend that the man you love and marry is not wanting it. It's such a huge rejection and blow to the self esteem. I am very sorry you are going through this. You can't *****foot around this. Let him know how important this is to you and that you did not sign up for a sexless marriage and you have no intention of living without sex. Let him know how much you love him and how it is difficult to feel completely close to him without that intimacy and that you don't want to be with anyone but him. He has to know that if he isn't willing to compromise or meet you half way that you may not be able to stay in the marriage. Again, sorry you are dealing with this.


Yes nothing better for both a man and woman to know their spouse/partner is hot for them...

I am going thru that now due to medications H was taking zero sex life...I am somewhat okay with it as my self esteem due to having to lose 40 lbs is kind of low so I feel like I have shut that part of myself off which is sad but makes it tolerable. 

However I miss at times the days when he was grabbing at me, etc....I feel like I am in a vicious cycle in that I do not feel good about myself but at the same time why don't I feel good about myself it can't be just the weight???? I have decisions to make for sure as I know this is not a healthy marriage.


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## learner4life (Aug 27, 2016)

Are you sure he doesn't have a pornography addiction or something? He must be getting this need met somehow.....


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