# Just dont look....



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

And for lack of a better method of coping with the ongoing psychosis of the exwife, "not looking" is pretty much all I have.
So, three months after my divorce, I move out of the marital home Ive lived in for fourteen years with my wife, the latter ten as a father, as a family..

Three WHOLE ENTIRE months later my wife has another man moved in. 

Last weekend they took my daughter to a big event here in TX.

Just like a family, they are...

And the feelings of being ejected came back.
The livid hatred for my exwife and her bullsh!t came back.
The desire to beat the hell out of the new man came back.

But i can do nothing. Nothing at all. 

The burden of restraint is upon me, when it appears it is not required of anyone else especially the ex-*****bag.

I mean, what could I say, really? "YOU FKING BTCH!!!" WTF do you think ur DOING???"

I didnt do this. I didnt cheat and destroy the family. She did.
All the lies, the secrecy, the divorce, the immediate jumping into and ushering in a new guy into the kids life, pretending to make it into something more than it could possibly be at this early stage......

Yet, once again, life has dealt me a hand I must simply fold, and place face down upon the table. Cover my eyes, just dont look...


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

This is what I have in store for me soon too my friend. 

I know this is exactly what is going to partake after my divorce. The OM will be moved into my spot, my life. My daughter will know this man, and probably learn to love him. 

Really nice %&$*!ing deal for falling in love with someone and starting a family. This is BS.

Sorry man.. I am with ya with all those feelings.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear of it, Shoo. That sucks. 

It just goes to show you how far reoved she was from your marriage. Someone who could move another man into their home so soon after something as insane as a divorce is just... not anyone you want to be sad over. 

I know that it still hurts but use this as a reminder to mov eon as quickly as possible.

Get busy, call up old friends, go out for drinks, exercise, flirt with a a hot chick.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i was in the exact same spot 2 years ago.

i left, she moved a new man in my house, with him expecting me to continue paying the mortgage so he could live there for free.
exw ended up moving with him to alabama.

now she is trying to get me to take her back
:rofl:


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## Limping (Oct 5, 2011)

I got good news last week.. My ex has remarried. Lets see... 3 months ... not moving in with another guy but marriage! The thing is, for me, I do not have the pain that you have shoo... I got the girls with me... So... I am the LUCKY one here. Feel for you man!

Bill


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I hear you Shoo..you have dealt with some tough hurdles lately.

I'm assuming since that happened last weekend then that means this weekend you have your daughter...What do you have planned for your new family this weekend?

Point is try not to keep looking at what she is doing and letting it get to you. Spend your time thinking about your progression and family.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

FYI, Shoo...I'm not that good at what I just posted in the prior post. But when I start to get mad it seems to help me regain focus on me.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks a lot everyone. I know sometimes I sound like a broken record; but it certainly helps a lot to have people that truly understand, and truly sympathize with the situations.
I am slowly getting out and about more. I feel an urge to get out more often.. so far though it hasnt been much.

Just no preparation a person can do for all the fallout of a divorce.. one ends up seeing all kinds of crazy things happen, just when you think you are healing some, you get another slice of that kind of pie...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I do have my daughter every other week, and I do have her this week. Im having to take things slow on the $$$ side, so not a lot of expensive things happening lately. We are supposed to be going camping this coming weekend, with some friends of ours, and I am really hoping the weather forcast for the weekend coming changes, as it mentions heavy t-storms possible.. I sooooo need a vacation...


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Traggy: This didn't happen to you because you fell in love and started a family with 'someone' -- it was specifically her. In an odd way, I think TAM helps we LBSes to see that not all men are heartless bazturds like our XHs, and not all women are heartless biotches like our XWs. 

Shoo: "Just no preparation a person can do for all the fallout of a divorce.. one ends up seeing all kinds of crazy things happen, just when you think you are healing some, you get another slice of that kind of pie... "

This. If someone was truly in love, truly committed, and truly believed in two individual souls becoming one, there is no such thing as 'just a divorce' that you get over quickly. It is the death of that oneness. No -- actually it's closer to homicide since the other spouse chooses to kill that 'one' you've become. So of course there will be triggers and other things that don't even happen with the death of a loved one. You can tell yourself the loved one would still be with you if they could. It's not that way with divorce.

Hang in there, all of you. Peace.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm sorry....that just sucks.


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## cryin (Feb 15, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear what your suffering through. Know that you aren't alone as my story is a replica of yours. I am going through it as well. My EXW moved the guy into the house with my 2 kids that she was having an affair with 9 weeks after the divorce was final and she told me that she is getting married... I laughed at her. It will be her 4th marriage. she is a textbook sociopathic narcissistic ***** that doesn't give a crap about the kids. 

she will one day get exactly what she deserves.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look,

It sounds like you are in TX. If your divorce is not final and you have children, you can request and receive an order that prevents the STBXW from having another man overnight in the home while your children are there. See your lawyer ASAP. This is not good role modelling for the kids.


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## cryin (Feb 15, 2012)

I can't do a thing about it.........

Mine all started in late August and was final in late NOV. She was in a hurry.. thinks the affair is bridges of ******* county...LMAO 

"now engaged" In Feb she has the guy living in the house with the kids. OMFG and thinks she's a great mother ??????? seriously delusional, and needs a f-ing psych evaluation. Its some self entitled (no concern for the kids) lowlife jerry springer shxx. She made sure the agreement had "engaged" in it so she could move the loser into the house.

She is a CALCULATING stealth narcissist who is getting married for a 4th time.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

Sorry to hear that, but you can't do anything now. You have to forget about your past and look for your future life. Forget man, what she did. By choosing another man, she gave you signal that she has moved on and it's your turn now....


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Shoo you are lucky to be free of her and free to find the love you deserve! I know it hurts to see her moving on, and I realize what a slap in the face it is for her to have another man move in so quickly - but she is his problem now! Enjoy your time with your daughter and take it one day at a time. I wish you the best and wish I had more comforting thoughts to share with you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

This is something that I am still trying to figure out. 

I think all of us would agree that we don't want our ex spouse back. So, why do we really still care and why does it bother us that our exw or exh moves in with someone else, puts the kids in that spot, and becomes engaged after a few months, and will re-marry is a year or less to the affair partner or someone else? 

Lots of reasons....For me....pride. I'm a proud person. I work hard, try to do the right thing, gave up everything to the family and wanted that in return. So, I felt like I did the "right" thing and the ex did the "wrong" thing. Hence, ex should suffer and I should get nothing but happiness and be able to laugh in her face while suffering without me for making a bad decision. Fact is, the ex moved on long ago and I didn't and still haven't. Fact is the ex spouse really doesn't give a rats butt about me. I think all of us are waiting for Karma to give us the "you may move forward now" approval. I've come to the realization that it probably isn't going to happen. 

I'm not a jealous person, but I am jealous when my child comes home and talks about the OM and the new "sister" and it just bothers me. Over time, perhaps this will go away, but right now it is like a stab in my heart. I'll admit, I'm still bitter, and it is retarded of me to want them to suffer. I should, in theory, be happy for them and happy that my daughter has two homes in which she is well cared for and loved. 

I know one thing is certain....I've been humbled. I've also learned that marriage isn't what I thought it was and I also know that after a year I still have a LOOOOOONG way to go. 

Does anyone actually still think about the ex and what the marriage was like? I really don't. I've dated enough that I don't even think about things like that anymore. But, that empty pit in my stomach is still there. That nagging reminder that I was cast aside. Does hell to the ego and confidence. I'm still working on that part as well.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Paradise, 
That statement "dont want our ex spouse back" is the basic staple to my logic through all this. 
Continuing to see the ex act like a fool and involve the kid, makes me at first want to raise hell about it, but back to that statement...
I am a proud person too, and the immediate acceptance of another man in my kids life is hard to swallow. Its as if I was of such little importance, it was like painting a room. There! Done.
I think about the ex, and what the marriage was like, and realize it was crummy a lot of the time. I dont even know why being rid of it has to bring about this huge sense of loss, versus the sense of freedom it should in my case.
Maybe I thought that a lot of our problems were things that would eventually get worked out,, 
Nothing about my divorce made any sense.
The complete and drastic change of who my wife was long ago, to what she became over the past two years, and its resulting effect on myself and the family demands that I attempt to understand what happened, but the more I see and consider, the more I find myself completely in the dark for the longest time with her.

It is the very act of forcing those considerations out of your head that is the difficult part. Knowing they result or yeild no secret or surprise, and still keeping in mind that I would not want to be back with the ex, makes it all a waste of time.
Until the next stupid thing she does..
Were I able to just get away from her for good and not see her and not involve myself it would be easier for sure.
But on one hand I dont want to use the effects of her b.s. on the kid, as a reason to be angry, when its just me being jealous or still in a state of shock at it all.
To see someone do something so wrong to you, and then watch their life appear to be "rewarded by the universe" with money windfalls, and a new relationship, and having moved on, (even if its fantasyland), it compounds the humiliation and self esteem issues.
Most of it is their own pursuit by any means to validate their own sh!tty decision to be a cheating liar, and prove to themselves and the world that doing so was ultimately the best thing to do.
What do we get to do? 
Sit for a while and wonder wtf happened.
Go thru the miserable depression, anger, resentment, illness, and ultimate realization that we are powerless to affect that event. No newspaper headlines to show the world what an asshat the ex is, no amount of talking to her friends reduces their acceptance of her infidelity..
I post here, in order to talk about what I am thinking and feeling, because reading other peoples stories and feelings was a tremendous help to me initially. It doesnt mean that I am not "moving on", or am lying on my living room floor incapacitated, it just means that I still hurt for the most important thing in my life to me, was given away secretly and with lies, behind my back, and it wasnt for "one" guy that was a soulmate,,,, it was for some dooshbag that first showed an interest in my wife.. how fking weak could she have been? Then, that guy turns out to be a jerk to her, and shes also been talking to a different guy whom, you guessed it, is ushered in immediately, and becomes the new soulmate, and moves in.

All I can gather, is that shes lost her fking mind.
Dealing with that and its resulting in divorce, man, it just brings me back to that WTF???..


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## cryin (Feb 15, 2012)

You care because you have a child that is going to now have even more baggage. A sane well adjusted adult knows that you don't bring anyone ,introduce someone into a child's life right after a divorce. 

The men should know better as well. It also shows a complete lack of character.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Well, Shoo and Paradise, we all seem to be wrapped up in the same dimension shift, pondering what if's and wtf happened. I beleive we have different reasons why we are here, but the story is generally the same and we circle around in our heads to some degree the same.

Is it pride that spins our heads? For me it might be the thinking of somehow I lost control of such an important aspect of my life. I enjoyed being the father/husband and friend. Apparently I was good at two of the three because my kids still enjoy me and she still asks me to do things/favors but the husband part I failed.

I'm struggling with the acting from her that the biggest thing that has changed is we don't live together anymore and for me it was the shattering of the portion of what I thought of as me.

I beleive that once I shed those thoughts of looking back and trying to figure out what happened I will be stronger and happier. Some days I turn a corner and see some light. Other days I turn the corner only to find a picture of something that happened years ago which causes me to stop and think about what has changed. Those are the tough days.

I'm not sure if I will ever truly get out of the maze but as long as I don't stop walking there is a chance for to find a way out. Maybe that is my way to deal with the memories. I think each of us have different ways to deal and some of us haven't tried yet to move along which may have its place as well.

I write here to get thoughts out of my head and enjoy feed back both positive and negative because the alternative of keeping it all bottled up doesn't help me. From time to time my real life friends drop in and ask how I'm doing which is nice but less than before because they are all married and busy with kids and married life each day. I guess that is ok and treat it as a status update of my journey which they don't share as much as they used too.

Boy I'm rambling and will stop.

Take care and I'll try and keep walking.

Shoeguy


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

No, it's not gender, but I suppose it is pride. My IC hit a ton of these points with me yesterday. Since fall I've been reading everything I can get my hands on, doing all the journaling, soul searching, etc., also to find out WTF happened. Things were not great between STBXH and I, but I, too, always believed that once we could find the right med/therapy for his depression, stress of him being in grad school was over, etc., etc., we could get back to working on us because I believed that under it all, the love was still there. I know it was for me. 

The biggest thing that hurts is that he didn't think that it was worth it to even make an effort to try to work on things. I may get a single admission that he was a bully, but then he denies it, then he denies he ever even said it, and now says "I never mistreated you." I have a tendency to beat myself up, and that works well for him. 

My IC has told me to stop reading. When I feel up to it, she wants to me to write out our story, as honestly as possible, with blame laid on both of us where appropriate. That will be tough. Learning what I did wrong, and then working on changing myself seems like it should have the next logical step of getting another chance with STBXH. But he is not doing the same work on himself. He has 'moved on,' as he told me. To whom? Someone who just broke up with a friend of his because she couldn't take _his_ depression. I don't predict good things for STBXH there. Maybe it will help him see how much I loved him, but even if it does, I have realized that I have to move on. I'm a 'fixer-upper' by nature. I'd rather make things work again than throw them away. I still don't believe there is a real reason we couldn't R if we both wanted to, and it frustrates the hell out of me that I don't get that chance. But I don't and I need to look forward, not back.

Yesterday, he rented a storage unit to move stuff into while we're fixing our house up & putting it on the market. He was telling me about it and said the access code was the same we'd used when we rented from them before. I didn't remember it, so he just matter-of-factly told me. It's the same code we've used for basically every PIN since we started dating nearly 15 years ago: the date of our first kiss. I was so stunned, all I could say was 'Oh.' To realize that's now just a 4-digit random number to him was another blow to the gut. I just don't see them coming sometimes. What makes these people so oblivious?


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Hi Cleanstart78,

I hope you can find the magic key as you know the club is one that the members wish they were not in.

One other thing I find myself is getting all worked up over an arguement that hasn't happened and may never happen. It is like I'm trying to defned my actions to my friends that I know have only her side of the story. Man I have to stop doing that.

We have very close friends that we took vacations with and hung out with sometimes multiple weekends each month. The kids basically grew up together. My ex is dating the husbands best friend and is also in contact with the wife everyday. I'm thinking about the next time I spend any time with the the two of them anticipating questions. it is just crazy i think.

My stance the past six month or so with my ex is to just avoid her unless the kids needs something. That has really worked out fine for me.

I have moved along at a snails pace and even met a women who I have been dating for 5 months. The kids like her and we sometimes spend the day or evening together like a family with a funky underlining current of "hey that's dad's girlfriend and not mom". It has been rather enjoyable. The friends nor my ex have met her or know anything about her. That is a kind of cool thing I think and I imagine it is driving the two ladies crazy that they have no idea who this person is.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Shoeguy said:


> I have moved along at a snails pace and even met a women who I have been dating for 5 months. The kids like her and we sometimes spend the day or evening together like a family with a funky underlining current of "hey that's dad's girlfriend and not mom". It has been rather enjoyable. The friends nor my ex have met her or know anything about her. That is a kind of cool thing I think and I imagine it is driving the two ladies crazy that they have no idea who this person is.


My eldest daughter likes to tease me that she is in a longer term relationship than I am. My GF is an unknown too, kinda cool. Kids like her being around. She makes no attempt at being anything other than "Dads girlfriend" and that is appreciated by the kids.

Shoo.. You need to stop giving "that woman" real estate in your brain! It is your life and you are burning it up on this stranger.

She burned out the paddock, then left, now you get to plough it and plant new seeds. 
Sooner you sow, the sooner you reap. 
Get sowing..


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Shoe....You said a magic word for me...Control...

Not control over someone else, but just control over the direction of our lives. I've learned I have very little control over anything and no matter how hard I try or how bad I want something, the fact is, most of it is out of my control. Anytime you have to depend on another fallible person (because we all are) then you are to a certain degree relinquishing control. 

Fact is, we all made a mistake in choosing a life partner. That person, in the end, did not have the same ideas we did. Sure, they may have initially, but I am a very analytical thinker and if allowed enough time, I will use all of it and exhaust every potential positive and negative before I jump in. But when I do, it is forever. 

Not sure about your Ex spouses, but I think a majority of us could probably look at their personalities (yes, even in the early days of the relationship), and see the impulsiveness. I think that very attribute kind of swept me away at the start. An impulsive thinker and an analytical thinker can balance each other, but it does create some wear and tear over the years. Looking back, I can see how the ex grew tired of me. I wasn't exciting enough anymore. The new wore off. So, she moved on. I think I hit the perfect storm. A bit of new-found freedom for her, new career, having some degree of independence for the first time in her life, already had raised a few kids, entering the latter of her most attractive years, throw in some mid-life crisis characteristics and a 7 year itch and away she goes. 

This just seems to be the common theme. We are not alone.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

smith9800 said:


> Sorry to hear that, but you can't do anything now. You have to forget about your past and look for your future life. Forget man, what she did. By choosing another man, she gave you signal that she has moved on and it's your turn now....


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Sorry


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> And the feelings of being ejected came back.
> The livid hatred for my exwife and her bullsh!t came back.
> The desire to beat the hell out of the new man came back.
> 
> But i can do nothing. Nothing at all.


Actually there's a lot you can do. Start by refocusing your physical and emotional energy on yourself, rather than your ex. Instead of looking at everything you lost, and doing the whole "broken dreams self pity" thing, try to look it as a whole new set of opportunities. Sure it cost you big time and you lost some assets and real estate. But now start putting that behind you as some sort of huge write off, sort of like the people that lost tons of money in the stock market or to that guy who frauded everyone out of tons of money..or the ones who lose their homes in a tornado or fire and have little to no insurance, or those who get sick with some sort of major illness and cant work and have no health insurance and deplete all their savings and have to start over from scratch.. if they even can.

Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, take stock of yourself and what you've got left and start rebuilding your life, start creating some new history to replace the old.. and once things positive start happening the bad thoughts and the sad memories will start to rapidly fade.. and you just might find yourself enjoying life a lot more than you have in a very long time.

I'm rapidly approaching 50, with my divorce 5 years behind me. I traded my upscale home for a condo, and full time parenting to seeing my two teenage daughters much less frequently..I've got a hefty support obligation but the end is in sight a few years down the line.. I gave up the security of marriage and family life for singleness and dating.. which has led to several relationships of short to long term duration..lots of available sexy, single women out there.. who have a lot to offer.. it's new, it's exciting.. it's not necessarily what I was expecting but heck it's not all that bad especially when 5 years ago I thought my life was over. 

It's all about attitude.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

shoo,

You know sometimes the most fun happens when the plans dont go perfectly.

Maybe still going camping and the weather holds out you will enjoy the weekend with your daughter. Maybe if the weather turns bad and you have to adjust and overcome the fun and memories become stronger.

Just a thought. Take marshmellows and water proof boots.


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