# How did you tell your spouse you filed?



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Filed for the divorce yesterday, even though I really, really didn't want to. I was forced into a corner - she won't quit the affair, and she won't file herself. I told her if she wants it, she can file, but now on top of all the **** she's pulled I'm left to do the awful task of filing entirely against my will. I realize she's emotionally divorced me already and this is just paperwork, but still it's awful. Had to go to the courthouse five times before I could bring myself to actually do it.

She lives far away now, so telling her in person isn't an option. How did you guys tell your spouses you filed? What did you say? How did they react?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

When I served him he found out.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> When I served him he found out.


Ditto. I didn't want to file either, but with every passing day and all of the crap she handed me day in and day out, it was clear what I needed to do.

It sucks now, but eventually you will heal and move on. Sucks being betrayed, right?

Now, go work out, get in shape, buy some new clothes. Wish her good luck with her new man. Hope that he doesn't dump her before your divorce is final. Trust me, you are better off without her.

Now, get your divorce over with. Heal for a bit and find someone who will appreciate what you bring to a relationship.

The End.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> Filed for the divorce yesterday, even though I really, really didn't want to. I was forced into a corner - she won't quit the affair, and she won't file herself. I told her if she wants it, she can file, but now on top of all the shoot she's pulled I'm left to do the awful task of filing entirely against my will. I realize she's emotionally divorced me already and this is just paperwork, but still it's awful. Had to go to the courthouse five times before I could bring myself to actually do it.
> 
> She lives far away now, so telling her in person isn't an option. How did you guys tell your spouses you filed? What did you say? How did they react?


I made no big announcement - just let the papers plop on the doormat at Mummy's house. His reaction? He was a bit cross. This man who would not allow me to answer the telephone at home, who would not allow me to leave the dinner table without his permission, would spend Friday afternoons shagging his mistress, would tell me everything was 'just your perception' was shocked that I had the strength to climb out of the pit he put me in and file. He was required to acknowledge service of the papers within 14 days and he decided not to. He decided that I wasn't 'allowed' to do that and he would just ignore it. My lawyer made him familiar with UK law and that he wasn't above it by serving him again - this time with a court baliff who charged him a lot of money and scared the balls (he had some? really??? - this was news to me) at work, in front of his coworkers. A dish best served cold? Oh yes, absolutely.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> Filed for the divorce yesterday, even though I really, really didn't want to. I was forced into a corner - she won't quit the affair, and she won't file herself. I told her if she wants it, she can file, but now on top of all the **** she's pulled I'm left to do the awful task of filing entirely against my will. I realize she's emotionally divorced me already and this is just paperwork, but still it's awful. Had to go to the courthouse five times before I could bring myself to actually do it.
> 
> She lives far away now, so telling her in person isn't an option. How did you guys tell your spouses you filed? What did you say? How did they react?


My case was funny. I've used my STBXW's check to pay as retainer and we by that time already separated our bank accounts. I thought I'm using my check, so the bank called my wife and conveyed her that check has been en-cashed for divorce. We worked with the bank to sort out the mistake. 

After few days, divorce papers were served to her. A month or so after serving the divorce papers, my STBXW was asking for forgiveness and for reconciliation but the complete EA was very damaging to me.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You can't file without notice so this is an odd question. Notice has to occur either through serving personally or through publication in a newspaper of record. 

So the OP doesn't seem to know which manner of notice was used.

In my case I forced her hand because I had private detective reports that were bullet-proof for cause (infidelity). So I made her sign at the courthouse with me on the day I filed. 

And on the way back from the courthouse, she decided to come clean with me - she was right that very moment going to start "seeing" the guy she had been boffing for the last year or so.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Didn’t get to filing.... I just hit that point. Took my stbx aside just prior to leaving for a cruise and told her that I wanted this to be a really good memory for the kids as it will be their last before I file when we return. I was going to be putting away any grievance I had and would hope she’d do the same. 

Got the usual flash of anger and “daring me” because she’d “take me to the cleaners”, etc.. But I had nothing left in my view of her to bother getting angry about. She threatened not go, so on a so forth. I didn’t care and called her out how awful that would be for the kids. “Didn’t she really want them remembering something besides us fighting before we split up the assets, sell their home, and start shuttling them back and forth?” She played nice throughout the cruise. Maintained separate rooms and everything and there was zero attempt from me to reconsider or give her ideas that R was back on the table.

On the last day, she started becoming more open about her affair with more TT and even sharing an email from her OM he’d just sent; A ploy to suck me back in. I didn’t care. No anger, pity or anything... I just became resolved that this wouldn’t work and even a bit giddy at finally getting out. As the date with the attorney approached, she got more and more ??depressed, sad, suicidal, desperate, clingy, sexual,?? Like a huge emotional onslaught that yes indeed I was going. Days of crying and then she started spilling it all out and taking responsibility... I just played it out from there and never filed.


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

H was starting fights, he brought up seperation & D, ILYBINILWY, but a week went by with us not talking & he had no idea that I knew about the A. I had asked stbxh 2 days before I had my secret appointment with a lawyer "what were we going to do with our marriage?" He said he thought mediation would be the best option for us "since we really don't have much". Which is total b.s. I would later find out how much he was hiding that we had, but I played along.

When I came home from the lawyer I literally just threw the lawyers card in his lap & told him I got a lawyer (I knew it wasn't being filed that day so I had a week if he came clean & wanted to R). He yelled "are you suing me" I said "you'll have to talk to my lawyer". He called me a POS, told me how I didn't waste any time seeing a lawyer so he thought I had something to hide like the baby wasn't his or something. He told me how he changed his mind & wanted to go to counseling. For a week he didn't talk to me now the POS couldn't shut up!!! He cried told me how he didn't understand why I was doing this to him- he was always so good to me he gave me what I wanted, he wasn't a drinker, never hit me, he's never cheated on me blah blah blah. (The not drinking & not hitting was the only truth the rest LIES) When he went to bed that night (after spending an hour in the bathroom-ha!) I said to him "were you serious when you asked me if the baby was yours?" He said "well you had every opportunity to cheat" I said "Do you really think I would cheat on you? I would never cheat on you. I don't think there is anything worse than cheating on someone" He stood there with tears in his eyes looking like a deer in head lights and then he went to bed.

The next day I confronted him using my evidence piece by piece so that he could not deny it all away at once. He still denied it anyway & later would come up with lies why it appeared he cheated. He knew I knew the truth and during that week he told me half truths "I never meant to hurt you" "I didn't find her attractive at first but she was so nice to me I guess it grew into an attraction" "I wasn't sure a couple weeks ago if I loved you still but I don't want to lose you". 4 days later I had asked him to move out & he asked for another chance he sat there crying infront of me and begging me to change my mind telling me how he didn't want to lose his life (not me his life). I said "I'm going to ask you 1 more time, did you cheat on me?" He said no & I told him he still had to go. That day he went to a lawyer & found out I had filed the day before...he moved out that night.

How I wanted to tell him (but my lawyer said not to) would have been kind of childish but more publicaly embarassing for him & OW. I wanted to put it on Facebook I had thought about how I would word it for days... "I don't like to normally get too personal on facebook & I apologize to family & friends who will find out this way but I just wanted to thank 2 very special people. I would like to thank -tag hoes name here- for being the other woman & for my H - POS's name here- for being too stupid to hide everything. So -OW's name- while you're at work with my H today can you let him know he's going to need a lawyer because I filed for D & also tell him he doesn't have to come home his stuff is on his mom's porch. I hope you 2 have a wonderful life. together" It would have been awesome it would have summed up to everyone why I'm getting a D, outed them to co-workers who are on my facebook & hers & by tagging her all of her friends & family would have known why she was suddenly seperated too. Ahh if only I could have told him like that.

Notdoneyet- it totally sucks that we feel like we are forced into D. Although I felt strong those 2 days & I had regained some power back in myself & our relationship temporarily. The day my copy of what he was served came in the mail I cried & my body started shaking out of control (just like it had whenever I found new evidence) just reading the words "irrevitable breakdown of the marriage" (I'm in a no-fault state) tore my insides out. It's unfair that I had to do this & to top it off it looks in the laws eyes that it's half my fault too. Good luck coming up with your way of telling your WS.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

NDY,

I've read part of your story. Your wife needs a wakeup call in the worst way. Even if you're done with her (and you should be) have pity on her and have her served in the most embarrassing way possible. She's in la-la land and someone or something needs to pull her head out of her a$$ before she walks in front of a bus.


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