# Need Objective Opinion on Passive Husband



## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

My husband is one of the nicest men you could meet. So nice that he avoids conflict at any cost. I am the opposite. Fiercely loyal and not afraid to stand up to others. I have a 'loud' personality. I am successful, fun and a great friend. Growing up I never had anyone stand up for me when things went wrong. Family and friends assumed I could handle my own. Here we are 22 years in our marriage my husband has never stood up to anyone that has said disrespectful or hurtful things to me. There have been a few times his family has made comments to me, and he looked the other way, telling me, he can't change who they are. I said, but you can change how rude they are to me. (i should mention, it has only been a few times, and his siblings are in their 60's. I am very good to them, having them to dinner every time they are in town. But there have been times nonetheless). I beg him to stand behind me when our son is disrespectful, he will chime in for our son to 'calm down.' Our son is 20.... Our daughter 18. I am losing respect for him. I get so angry that I yell and say hurtful things, which seems is the only way he will listen. We JUST had this discussion yesterday, he agreed he needs to speak up, went to family dinner tonight, and my son was disrespectful and what did my husband do? Tried to change the subject with our son so he didn't start a confrontation. This is truly ruining our marriage. Any advice would be so appreciated. He is passive with everything!!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Is this the only issue? Are there other things about him you do respect?


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

Hi, yes there are aspects I respect...his work ethic, the fact he is a gentlemen, he doesn't raise his voice to me, etc. But the fact that he does not stand up for me, nor does he EVER bring up his feelings, or what's on his mind, is unbelievably frustrating. He can be the nicest guy in the world, but if I feel alone on an island, then any respect flies out the window.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Could you describe the disrespect from your son?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

This is a huge issue! Women want MEN.


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

Agreed Clipclop2! 

jld: I am curious why it matters exactly what he says? The point is, he disrespects me verbally. My husband even admits it. He constantly promises to stand up for me, but he never does. Then when I get upset, he talks to our son, 'in private.' Not good enough for me. Grow a pair and confront the child with me present.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

italian1, this sounds like a really interesting problem, on a number of levels.

As someone who is "not afraid to stand up to others," the obvious question is, if that's the way you are, WHY do you need your husband to stand up for you?

The next question that staggers in and plops down on my mental sofa is, do you ever wonder if maybe some of these myriad hurtful things that are said to you have anything at all to do with you having a self described "loud" personality?

I mean, sure, you're innocent and blameless, a true victim here, but its just maybe possible that some of these hurtful things that are said to you are spoken because somebody misunderstood something you said in your loud, not afraid to stand up to anybody voice.

See, the thing is, when you act all "loud" to people, well, (sit down, this is going to rock your world) there are other people out there who have "loud" personalities, too. And they respond to "loud" by getting "loud" right back.

This is sometimes described as "went to family dinner tonight and my son was disrespectful......"

But anyway, none of this probably interests you, since you have no use for mirrors. You asked for an objective opinion on your passive husband.

Your husband is probably afraid that if he says anything, he will get (another) dose of his "not afraid to stand up to others" wife's "loud personality," and he just doesn't want to deal with it.

I mean, he's passive because he knows he's going to get a verbal beatdown when you find something unsatisfactory in how other people speak to you, but experience has probably taught him that if he speaks up, he'll get double.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If this wasn't the type of man you wanted why did you marry him?


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

Well thank you for your insight....do not confuse 'loud' personality to being rude and disrespectful, of which I am not. I love people and the thought of hurting someone devastates me! I am quite familiar with the mirror scenario which is why I am so conscious of others feelings. The 2 situations of rude in laws was unwarranted and unprovoked, and they eventually apologized. My husband admits he avoids confrontation at all costs. My family and friends see it. 
He is not assertive, so how is that my fault? Funny how words can be read different. 

My hot button is that he has never stood up for me. Even when men have made sexual comments. Is he going to get a verbal beat down when I have to fend for myself while he stands idle? Yes and I am not apologizing for that. Any man that allows their wife to be disrespected has bigger issues emotionally, don't you think?


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

Wolf1974: Why did I marry him? Because of love. Doesn't every relationship have ebbs and flows??? Just looking for advice from others that have been thru bumps in the road.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Parents should always be firm concerning a child's disrespectful behavior.

Not like you, you must not like having the support of your spouse unless you are heroes on an issue. That's the only reason I can see someone ask the question you posed.

A man who does not defend/protect his wife is not a man.


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

Thank YOU clipclop...it's nice to have a stranger stand up for me! Lol


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I asked because I am wondering if your husband thinks you are overreacting. Maybe to him, it is not really disrespect?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

italian1 said:


> Wolf1974: Why did I marry him? Because of love. Doesn't every relationship have ebbs and flows??? Just looking for advice from others that have been thru bumps in the road.


Funny that you mention the word love cause to me love is greatly about acceptance. You married a man who is not an aggressive guy. He wasn't then and he isn't now. So maybe loving him should be about accepting the things he is and understanding about the things he isn't


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

italian1 said:


> I get so angry that I yell and say hurtful things, which seems is the only way he will listen. We JUST had this discussion yesterday, he agreed he needs to speak up...


Yeah, and how is that working out for ya?

Maybe, just maybe, you could quit being so LOUD and OVERBEARING and actually RESPECT your husband enough to understand HIS way of dealing with things could be BETTER than your approach.

You REFUSE to hear anything that anybody else has to say. GOTTA BE YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. Or ELSE. Simmer down, loudmouth. Nobody wants to hear it. Especially your husband.

GOT IT NOW????


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

it's one thing to be married to someone who is passive. But it's another for a parent not to stand up and do the proper thing. Children need to understand the concept of respect. when only one parent is willing to challenge my child disrespect their challenge is thoroughly undermined. 

so what do we have in the end. We have a wife who feels on supported. We have a son who is disrespectful and mouthy. And we have a husband who is shirking his job. In other words now we have a non happy family with a child he's going to grow up not being the man he should be because he had a lack of example 

my husband can be non confrontational in a lot of ways. well really avoidant. but one thing I have to hand to him is that with respect to the children he is intolerant of disrespect he backs me up just as I back him up. 

even if one parent is wrong it is better to back one another up sorted out separately and then return to the child with an apology. if the parents act together the kids never have a doubt about who's in charge. 

are the people who are responding on this parents? Or are they brow beaten men? 

the drag is I would suggest that they buy a book to look at the things that must do together to raise a healthy child but most men refuse to read parenting books. 

still it's worth a go. 

it might not solve his personality across the board but it may help the child in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Yes, parents should take a united front dealing with children.

I am questioning why you feel her method of yelling and saying hurtful things is BETTER than his way.

Maybe if OP backed up her HUSBAND's position about how to deal with a disrespectful child, things would change.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

We know only one side of the equation here. It is impossible to know who instigates these confrontations that OP feels are coming her way. The siblings, son, etc may have a very different story to tell. 

I rarely meet someone who frequently feels the need for others to "stand up" for them. I certainly don't feel that need. Don't recall my wife saying anything like this. Now that our daughter is grown, my wife regrets most of the times she really knuckled down on our daughter. (a more respectful child you'll never meet) Says it was more about control than discipline.

Blindly defending someone during every confrontation is of little benefit. Finding out why so many confrontations occur might be.

Sure, women want men. Men want women, also.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Op on a personal note, please try to get ahold of yourself and not get extremely angry in front of the child. by getting angry you are really feeding the power that the child feels. since you can't change your husband you really have no choice but to try to change yourself. unfortunately this puts a lot of burden on you because in order to recover you're going to have to behave in a manner when it comes to dealing with your emotions control with respect to the child. but it has to be done.

You're not the only mom who is essentially raising a child themselves. There a lot of parents I want to be friends with their kids but don't want to do the hard work necessary to actually raise them. soll I know you feel alone you aren't alone 

have you ever tried yoga? I was usually skeptical about the benefits of yoga I have to tell you I was really wrong. Yoga is great for the mind and the body. it might help you to center and calm down. And it might provide you with the extra energy you need to make up for your husband is deficit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

italian1 said:


> Agreed Clipclop2!
> 
> jld: I am curious why it matters exactly what he says? The point is, he disrespects me verbally. My husband even admits it. He constantly promises to stand up for me, but he never does. Then when I get upset, he talks to our son, 'in private.' Not good enough for me. Grow a pair and confront the child with me present.


How is she essentially raising the kids on her own? All because SHE doesn't like HIS methods doesn't make her the only parent here.

I think the son is a chip off of ole mommy's shoulder. You get what you get when you act disrespectful to people.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I guess you have no clue what it's like to not have support in a situation that turns a child into a tyrant. 

Was your mom like this? 

okay here's a question for the original poster 

has your husband ever attempted to talk to you about what's going on between the two of you as well as the disrespect of your child In private? Has he ever initiated such discussion? 

has he ever been proactive in attempting to resolve these problems? 

characterizing his non-action as a difference in opinion might not be accurate. he has to express an opinion for there to be a difference of opinion. and even if there is it difference of opinion raising the child is the most important thing that this couple does together and in no way does a difference of opinion absolve either of them from raising a child who understands disrespect is unacceptable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

The son is 20 years old. And I think "tyrant" is overstating it a bit. The husband tried to change the subject at the dinner table. Not because he was avoiding conflict, but because he saw it as no more than a passing comment that needs to be ignored rather than blown out of proportion.

Parents need to pick and choose battles with children. To the husband, it wasn't worth it. 



jld said:


> I asked because I am wondering if your husband thinks you are overreacting. Maybe to him, it is not really disrespect?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The child is 20. At this point, the children know that mom is loud, and dad is quiet.... just two different ways of interacting. Dad isn't doing it "wrong"....just different. Could be just as effective. 

I know, people "feel what they feel"...but this seems like a minor complaint, especially after alot of years. It seems no more serious than "my husband doesn't SHOW me respect because he doesn't open doors for me". 

Most of us non-loud people do not feel the need to speak up for loud, assertive people. Because by their normal actions, we don't think they need any help in that department. My husband is loud, his voice carries....and we are both blunt and sarcastic (a good match!).... and maybe not as sensitive as we could be. Sometimes, I say nothing at all because I realize that other people get their feelings hurt by bluntness. My husband is getting better at this... if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all. We are not mean, we are not hurtful (not on purpose!), but we both recognize that other people are more sensitive. 

Just like us regular folks NEED anal people in this world.... us blunt people NEED the sensitive ones also. (hmmmm......unless everyone was blunt and less sensitive....that's another argument tho!)

All that just to say.... different doesn't mean wrong. He's not NOT sticking up for you because he is neglecting you, he's NOT doing it because you are strong and loud and he doesn't have to!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I used to be like OP's husband.

My family was always very sarcastic and we all let it run off our backs. My wife's family was much more prim and proper. Sometimes members of my family would say something to my wife that offended her. To me it was just witty banter, nothing different than what I had been exposed to growing up. But my wife took it as an insult.

Can I change my family? No I can't. They are all 50+ years old and aren't going to change. But could I change how my wife saw my reaction? Yes I could. And the key was for me to "defend" her. I didn't have to throw punches but I started acknowledging that a remark wasn't called for, did it immediately and in view of my wife. Her perception of me changed.

As far as the kid goes, I'm with OP's husband here. First, OP should be able to stand up for herself to the kid. Otherwise it's open season on her when dad isn't around. Second, if the kid is continually disrespectful at 20, no amount of talking will help. Ignoring him, restricting support for him, etc... are better ways of handling his disrespect.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

My dad was a quiet, non-confrontational man. Still is. But you better believe I got the back of his hand or belt when I needed it.

By saying that this man didn't see the comment from the son as "worthy of getting upset over" you are making the same mistake of assuming. Just like you are assuming that the OP is "LOUD and disrespectful."

We are not there, we don't know the exact circumstances. 

The OP FEELS like her husband doesn't have her back. Yes, she married him, and yes, she admits he has always been like this. But that is a lonely feeling. 

OP, I suggest that you look into Boundries. You may think you have good ones, but my guess is that you don't. It's true, the only person you can change is yourself. Not likely to change Hubby. 

The kid is grown. The next time he disrepects you, kick his butt out of your house. If your hubby insists he stays, THEN you have a bigger probelm.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about some humility, OP? How about looking at things through your husband's eyes?

_Empathy._


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

italian1 said:


> My husband is one of the nicest men you could meet. So nice that he avoids conflict at any cost. I am the opposite. Fiercely loyal and not afraid to stand up to others. I have a 'loud' personality. I am successful, fun and a great friend. Growing up I never had anyone stand up for me when things went wrong. Family and friends assumed I could handle my own. Here we are 22 years in our marriage my husband has never stood up to anyone that has said disrespectful or hurtful things to me. There have been a few times his family has made comments to me, and he looked the other way, telling me, he can't change who they are. I said, but you can change how rude they are to me. (i should mention, it has only been a few times, and his siblings are in their 60's. I am very good to them, having them to dinner every time they are in town. But there have been times nonetheless). I beg him to stand behind me when our son is disrespectful, he will chime in for our son to 'calm down.' Our son is 20.... Our daughter 18. I am losing respect for him. I get so angry that I yell and say hurtful things, which seems is the only way he will listen. We JUST had this discussion yesterday, he agreed he needs to speak up, went to family dinner tonight, and my son was disrespectful and what did my husband do? Tried to change the subject with our son so he didn't start a confrontation. This is truly ruining our marriage. Any advice would be so appreciated. He is passive with everything!!!


Hi,

I can understand your frustration. Feeling like your husband is not on your team can be lonely. 

Have you tried appealing to him not about his behavior, but solely about your feelings of loneliness and hurt about the issue?

Just FYI I have two children and am divorced after 16 years of marriage. Even though he is not my spouse anymore, if one of my sons is disrespectful to me my ex takes it as a teaching moment and lets the child know his opinion is that that is not how you speak/act toward your mother, so it is not too much to ask or unreasonable that a parent co parent/team with you that way.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

OP, your son and daughter are 20 and 18 respectively. I'm sure they didn't just start behaving disrespectfully out of the blue. It must be a learned behavior. How did you and your H handle it starting ten years ago up to the present? That's the pattern you need to examine. Faulting your H at this point seems silly. You and he should have been on the same page from the start. If you're not on the same page now, look at your past history.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> If this wasn't the type of man you wanted why did you marry him?


Because, if there are two "loud" people in a relationship, it struggles due to constant fighting.

A quiet, conflict averse person with a pro-conflict person works in that the conflict averse person gets steam rolled to "keep the peace".

The problem the OP is having is she's losing respect for her conflict averse husband. The other problem is the OP doesn't realize that she'd be here complaining how her husband doesn't listen to her and is always "starting fights" if he ACTUALLY did stick up for himself and his beliefs, because that would mean he'd stick up to her.

She doesn't want him to become stronger, she just wants a loud guard dog that will bark at everyone who she doesn't like how they respond to her.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

jld said:


> I asked because I am wondering if your husband thinks you are overreacting. Maybe to him, it is not really disrespect?


And this is what I wonder.

Does she "attack" her husband with his "you don't stand up for me" or does she promote an environment where he feels comfortable talking about what he thinks. If he avoids confrontation in EVERY situation, do you think he's going to openly discuss this with a confrontational wife?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> it's one thing to be married to someone who is passive. But it's another for a parent not to stand up and do the proper thing. Children need to understand the concept of respect. when only one parent is willing to challenge my child disrespect their challenge is thoroughly undermined.
> 
> so what do we have in the end. We have a wife who feels on supported. We have a son who is disrespectful and mouthy. And we have a husband who is shirking his job. In other words now we have a non happy family with a child he's going to grow up not being the man he should be because he had a lack of example
> 
> ...


And how would you deal with a mother who resorts to saying hurtful things? What's worse?

The dynamics that are being talked about are much deeper than "the husband should grow a pair".

All parties have culpability.

A man who's been passive for 45 plus years (assuming he got married in his early 20's), and has BEEN TAUGHT by his wife TO BE PASSIVE during the marriage isn't going to suddenly do a 180 and change who he is.

His wife is going to have to have a hand in fostering that change. She's going to have to be less domineering and loud. Promote the change in his behavior through POSITIVE actions, not complaining, yelling and saying hurtful things.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Because, if there are two "loud" people in a relationship, it struggles due to constant fighting.
> 
> A quiet, conflict averse person with a pro-conflict person works in that the conflict averse person gets steam rolled to "keep the peace".
> 
> ...


I know that your right but wanted to see if she would be forth coming about . Truth is OP couldn't have been with a strong warrior like man because he would never tolerate her lol. So she is loud and aggressive and appeals to a weaker man who doesn't want control and she gains the upper hand and doesn't have to argue for power and control. So she picked him for ease and safety. I think honestly they are made for each other and I mean that sincerely and not snarky at all. This would be a good match in my opinion.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> This is a huge issue! Women want MEN.





clipclop2 said:


> Parents should always be firm concerning a child's disrespectful behavior.
> 
> Not like you, you must not like having the support of your spouse unless you are heroes on an issue. That's the only reason I can see someone ask the question you posed.
> 
> A man who does not defend/protect his wife is not a man.


I had trouble reading these two posts- the sunlight gleaming off your pristine suit of white armor was blinding me!

However, you are correct. Women want men who stand up for them and defend them from those who would impugn their honor.

Because equality.

A good question to ponder concerns women who put themselves in positions where they NEED their husband to defend their honor. Some sarcastic folks refer to this syndrome as "Let's you and him fight."

I confess that I do enjoy the unflinching support (mixed with admiration, devotion, and unswerving loyalty) from my partner, but, then again, I AM a hero in real life, so it's not really a reach. Plus, I am filled with modesty, which makes me even more adorable.

So I am not at all offended by your curiosity and speculation regarding me. In fact, I'm used to it.

But we need to keep our focus on OP. I am just a humble observer, asking questions and offering opinions.

Others have taken the lead in dissecting OP's distress at the man she loves and married not having changed over the years, so I don't really have anything else to add at this point.

I do wish you well in tilting at those windmills, though.

:smthumbup:


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

It's funny how nobody has pointed at you for verbally abusing your husband just because he doesn't speak up. This forum has some really sexist members. I'm confident that if the genders were switched you'd see a lot of people barking at you.


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

Please don't call me names. Do not confuse loud with rudeness either. I find name calling offensive. Do not assume I yell constantly either. Far from it. Just because someone has a loud voice, does not automatically make them bad.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

italian1 said:


> Please don't call me names. Do not confuse loud with rudeness either. I find name calling offensive. Do not assume I yell constantly either. Far from it. Just because someone has a loud voice, does not automatically make them bad.


But it doesn't make them right, either.

Just because you're loud doesn't excuse the fact that, sometimes, you DO have to shut up. And let somebody else lead.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you think it might be more relaxing for you, Italian, to try to let go of your expectations for your husband? Maybe just appreciate him for what he does bring to your union?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

italian1 said:


> Then when I get upset, he talks to our son, 'in private.' Not good enough for me. Grow a pair and confront the child with me present.


 "Grow a pair"? Really, you said that to your HUSBAND? How disrespectful, rude, condescending and downright mean of you!

Even if you didn't say it directly, that's what you're thinking. 

"Not good enough for you"? What? Why does he have to kowtow to every single whim you have? He has his way of dealing with the children. In my view, it's a better way. So why don't you concede the point your husband is just fine.

It's YOU who needs a little work.


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

jld: 
Completely agree! I have shut up many times. 

Look, my kids are amazing. There is not one adult that has not said they are disrespectful. My son, as most teens, is extremely smart and well rounded. He is pre-med with straight A's. Therefore, he 'knows everything' but what teen doesn't? Lol. We are ALL a bit sarcastic in our family, and if you knew the tragedies our family has experienced, you would understand why we use humor to get us through life. HOWEVER, all I wondered was how to get my husband to be more assertive when our son goes a bit overboard in the sarcastic arena. 

I know my husband and I are a great match. I know we are great parents, with the occasional stumble here and there, we did a pretty darn good job together. You all assume though, that I screamed at him for 23 years of our marriage. Wrong. It has become increasingly frustrating, when our son goes overboard, to not have support. After many discussions of me asking for support, him agreeing, only to have the same thing happen, have I gotten louder. Geez Louise, some responses are quite mean to me. 

That being said, I better go unchain my husband from the closet, feed him breakfast of bread and water and allow him some sunshine before I put him to work in the fields.


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

Revamped: you are one angry person. "Respond to my every single whim?" Lol. I can't even respond to your rudeness. Please don't post what you assume is right. And read back to your older post....please stop with the name calling. Go pick on another poster, I don't need help from you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It's not too much to expect Dad to tell his 20 yr. old mouthpiece to STFU when he disrespects Mom. I agree with you OP. However, I am married to a passive man & my Dad was also very passive.

Like you, I get frustrated but have learned to accept that some "people" are simply gentle souls, conflict-avoiders & passive. Your husband can't really change at this point. Best to learn to accept him for the person he is. It will be easier for you.

To put it into perspective - my 1st husband was the complete opposite - loud, aggressive & mean. I'll take passive over aggressive any day.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

italian1 said:


> Revamped: you are one angry person. "Respond to my every single whim?" Lol. I can't even respond to your rudeness. Please don't post what you assume is right. And read back to your older post....please stop with the name calling. Go pick on another poster, I don't need help from you.


One of the finest traits of a manipulator, is when they get called out on their bullish!t, they start with the guilting of another. And start back peddling their story. Now, all of a sudden, you have this oh so perfect marriage and your kids are adorable.

Far cry from your first post.

Yeah, go get your husband out of the basement. He's the only one who will tolerate your behavior.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Italian, did you ever describe the disrespect of your son? I am wondering what you consider disrespect. Sincere question. 

And you do have a great sense of humor!


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

phoenix_ said:


> It's funny how nobody has pointed at you for verbally abusing your husband just because he doesn't speak up. This forum has some really sexist members. I'm confident that if the genders were switched you'd see a lot of people barking at you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Revamped said:


> Simmer down, loudmouth. Nobody wants to hear it. Especially your husband.
> 
> GOT IT NOW????





Revamped said:


> One of the finest traits of a manipulator, is when they get called out on their bullish!t, they start with the guilting of another. And start back peddling their story. Now, all of a sudden, you have this oh so perfect marriage and your kids are adorable.
> 
> Far cry from your first post.
> 
> Yeah, go get your husband out of the basement. He's the only one who will tolerate your behavior.


Revamped, your responses in this thread are way over the top and you are making a lot of assumptions that you don't know about.

If you don't want to help the OP, then don't help her. I can partially see the point you are trying to make, but calling her names like "loudmouth" is crass and unhelpful. Everything depends on context. In her place, I could also see myself eventually getting frustrated enough to shout at my spouse, if the issue has gone on long enough.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I hear you.

But I'm backing off.

Thank you, though.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I had periods in my previous marriage where I resorted to yelling, and I am usually extremely laid back and hands off. Yelling is very unlike me. It was because I did not feel heard or my needs fulfilled after a long time of exhausting myself. Fulfilling needs is a pretty fair and minimum expectation to have in a relationship, at least from my perspective. 

OP, clearly you two have fundamental differences in how you process information and what you do about it. I'm also a doer and passivity can really irk me when all I want to see is action. Then again, I've learned that sometimes kicking up dust can be more costly (mentally, physically, etc.) than its worth in the long run. 

I was just a recently dating a very passive man. He was a complete sweetheart, but if he didn't have it in him to be a certain way I needed, and I'd done my due diligence in trying to calmly, rationally express my needs (and there was still no innate ability or desire in him) then no matter how great a person he was, he just wasn't going to cut the mustard. 

I believe you've already been given advice akin to "this is how he was, you knew it, he will never change unless he wants to" and I would agree with this sentiment. He will not change so you as the unhappy party need to be the one taking action, whether that involves understanding him more and why he reacts as he does, getting to the source of why YOU are so affected and upset by his behavior, and whether his ways are enough to make you reconsider being in this relationship any longer. Many other things to consider, but that list is for you to decide upon. 

I am not absolving him of responsibility, but he is not here and we can't get his opinion. In my view (and possibly his) he has done nothing wrong. He is being himself and wondering possibly why his wife is getting so mad when he's always been this way. He has wronged and upset you by your own standards, but perhaps not by his. 

So my advice without knowing your husband's stance, (for what it's worth if anything), is to own your hurt and upset and temper it with understanding and your own action plan.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Please remember the forum rules. If can't give advice without resorting to personal attacks, don't post. 



Chris H. said:


> Thank you for visiting Talk About Marriage.
> 
> Talk About Marriage is a forum to discuss marriage and relationships. Here, we interpret the word "marriage" loosely, recognizing that many different people from different cultures view marriage differently. Please observe our posting guidelines.
> 
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

OP, let me let you in on a little different view...

If more than one or two people say things to you that you take grave offense at, to the degree that you need your husband to "stand up for you", I would be far more concerned about the image you project to other people rather than the fact that your husband is not playing tag team.

If you rub people the wrong way perhaps you need to find out why,


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

john117 said:


> OP, let me let you in on a little different view...
> 
> If more than one or two people say things to you that you take grave offense at, to the degree that you need your husband to "stand up for you", I would be far more concerned about the image you project to other people rather than the fact that your husband is not playing tag team.
> 
> If you rub people the wrong way perhaps you need to find out why,



Yep. The "I'm not happy, so you need to change" tactic never seems to work.


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

john117 said:


> OP, let me let you in on a little different view...
> 
> If more than one or two people say things to you that you take grave offense at, to the degree that you need your husband to "stand up for you", I would be far more concerned about the image you project to other people rather than the fact that your husband is not playing tag team.
> 
> If you rub people the wrong way perhaps you need to find out why,


Good point however, that is not the case. I live by the 'if more then two people rule, maybe it's you' rule. Over the years I have mostly kept quiet
If my H didn't stand up for me with our kids because I know he felt that maybe what I was saying at the time didn't warrant further discussion. While I may have expressed my feelings to him, I accepted it. But as the kids grew, the disrespectful comments were/are not acceptable. When our kids are disrespected, I stand up for him. When it happens with me, he may say 'that's not nice' or he may keep silent. It gets understandably frustrating. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

jld said:


> Italian, did you ever describe the disrespect of your son? I am wondering what you consider disrespect. Sincere question.
> 
> And you do have a great sense of humor!


Thank you  our family has a great sense of humor which is where I think some of the disrespect comes from, besides just being a typical teen. Kind of like the 'you reap what you sow' idea. 
That being said, he makes comments like, "you don't know what you're talking about" when talking to him. Snarky comments that should not be made and I find disrespectful. 

Most responses have given me something to think about, and I am thankful for that. 
Like I said, there are few things I am unwilling to put up with and that is one of them. When our son said something yesterday, my husband backed me up and it was a great feeling. He said he realizes he needs to be proactive in not allowing the disrespect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Was your son's comment based on actual facts / reality or was it just something off the deep end?

If there was basis for his comment did you consider what he said?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm... Is this your husband...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/207137-miserable-not-sure-what-do.html

...?


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... Is this your husband...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/207137-miserable-not-sure-what-do.html
> 
> ...?


Not even close....but thank you for bringing it to both of our attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

john117 said:


> Was your son's comment based on actual facts / reality or was it just something off the deep end?
> 
> If there was basis for his comment did you consider what he said?


It was off the deep end. But also when he has a valid point, I agree with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I really think your a child's whit if you want to call it that is a great reflection of his or her upbringing more than almost anything else. 

OP I think both you and your husband may need to look at therapy. I get the impression that through most of your marriage you have taken it upon yourself to be the defender of the family and disciplinarian. Now, for whatever reason, you want to turn that job over to your H who is not ready to take it.
Marrying for love while great in the movies is not, IMO, enough to sustain a marriage over the long haul. 

I do not have all the answers, but I really think the problems in your marriage run far deeper than what you realize. Perhaps your husband is all but checked out of the marriage IDK.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I wouldn't take a comment like that from your son personally. I would just say, "Please help me understand." And then really listen when he does explain his position. 

And how about saying something like, "I feel hurt when I hear that," when he initially spouts off?

You are the parent, OP. You have much more power than your son does. When you get upset with him, you are just giving him power. I'm sure he doesn't want it. 

Just try to understand where he's coming from, instead. And don't forget: You too can just agree to disagree.


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## italian1 (Jul 17, 2014)

jld said:


> I wouldn't take a comment like that from your son personally. I would just say, "Please help me understand." And then really listen when he does explain his position.
> 
> And how about saying something like, "I feel hurt when I hear that," when he initially spouts off?
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right! Thank you for the great advice!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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