# Do you insist on being honest with yourself?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Even if it's painful? Do you refuse to lie to yourself, even when it would be comforting?

Do you force yourself to consider an opposite viewpoint, even when it makes you mad, or exposes at least a small hole in your own argument?

If you do these things, why do you do them? 

Do you find you can't really grow any other way?


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

I'm learning this all over again. My last relationship consisted of me compromising some of my core beliefs. In doing so, I turned into someone I didn't respect which in turn caused a lot of disharmony is my last relationship with a woman.

As for now, I'm re-establishing who I am and I feel good about regaining my core values and what's important to me. By doing this, I've noticed I'm finding myself happier even though the breakup/disconnect was a month ago.

Honesty is a core foundation/building block of anyone or any relationship shared. Anyone who is dishonest with themselves or with another person is doing a disservice to the relationship(friendship or anything more).

Honesty has been and always will be a core value followed by articulation/communication in a very, very close second.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Great post, to82.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I try to do this but it is very difficult to be completely honest with yourself. The human capacity for self-delusion is enormous, I reckon.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm brutally honest with myself -- no illusions -- and the mistake I made was thinking my ex-husband was just as honest with himself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

@tryingtobebetter:

No kidding. It's like I come up against a possible truth and run screaming away, saying, "Not THAT! I can handle anything but THAT!" 

Who wants to risk having their world rocked by the idea that maybe, maybe, we are lying to ourselves for some reason?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I'm brutally honest with myself -- no illusions -- and the mistake I made was thinking my ex-husband was just as honest with himself.


Ouch, O. I am sure that hurt.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I will look in the mirror and say " hey I am looking pretty good". But then I will step on the scale and then tell myself " you better get your ass back in the gym". 
I think sometimes we all kid ourselves one way or the other.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I absolutely do, always.
Which is a bare-faced lie ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Deejo said:


> I absolutely do, always.
> Which is a bare-faced lie ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> I will look in the mirror and say " hey I am looking pretty good". But then I will step on the scale and then tell myself " you better get your ass back in the gym".
> I think sometimes we all kid ourselves one way or the other.


Lol, I hear you.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> * The human capacity for self-delusion is enormous, I reckon.*


:iagree:

This is something I'm painfully aware of.
It is also something that has cause great conflict within my mind sometimes.
My conscious fights against my subconscious.

There's a thin line between honesty with oneself and being over cynical about one's ability or perception or reality.
There's also a thin line between powerful optimism and being delusional.

There are times I was powerfully optimistic about something , even in the face of odds stacked heavily against me and I was able to overcome then and achieved.
There were also times that I was powerfully optimistic about things when the odds were evenly stacked and I failed. When I analyzed why I failed I then realized that even though things were even, I bit off more than I could chew because of my optimism.
I fooled myself.[ delusion.]

I tend to be brutally honest with myself and take responsibility, most times. The other times I'm just totally lost, and by the time it dawns on me that I'm lost,
It is too late.
I fooled myself.

My life is a constant struggle for greater self awareness.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What would you say is the greatest obstacle to self-awareness, CM?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I believe in taking full responsibility for our own actions and for what I have created, good or bad. Unless a person takes responsibility they cannot be truthful to themselves.

A good example seeing as this is a relationship forum is taking ownership for our own part in the breakdown of a marriage. People are very quick to take the glory in a good situation but many run and hide from blame when things go wrong. In every situation we have to take some of the responsibility. 

I can appreciate another's viewpoint but it does have to be pointed out to me. Doesn't mean I will change my mind but I can see where they are coming from.

Main egs IRL are with my partner and my kids. Life is always a challenge (in a good way) and we just roll with it. There are very few arguments but a lot of discussions. We are all growing steadily.

Taking responsibility is one of the main things I teach my kids. Too many get to adulthood and are blaming all around them for their fvck ups.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> What would you say is the greatest obstacle to self-awareness, CM?


These are just a few I can recall from my research and musings.

*Identification* – A characteristic of our psyche is that we lose ourselves by becoming too absorbed into events, thoughts, and emotions.

*Negative Emotions* – The biggest obstacle to self awakening is lost energy through the harboring of negative and unpleasant emotions.

*Lying* – Our tendency to talk about things we do not know, or can not know, as though we do know.

*Imagination* – Thinking that we already possess qualities and abilities that we do not have, and that can only be developed through personal experience and long efforts.

*Unnecessary Talking* – An obstacle to inner development is talking without aim or attention, or arguing for argument's sake. It is better to silently contemplate issues before you put them to words , and don't waste energy on vain imaginations.

*Internal Considering* – A special form of identification with oneself whereby we delude ourselves into thinking we know what others think of us and make inner accounts against others.

*Vanity* – No explanation needed here.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

I definitely think many people lie to themselves, and the state of the world is proof of it. One of the great things about this forum is that you get to see denial in action. I have made a concerted effort not to do this in my own life anymore.

I use a process of introspection where I examine my insecurities and my faults, and then integrate them into my conscious personality, rather than trying to deny them. 

For example I'll say to myself something like "I feel insecure about x, I accept this about myself, my past, or my situation." And sure enough, I'll outgrow that insecurity. 

Or, I'll acknowledge a fault. That I'm argumentative, for example. I'll accept this about myself, and rather than trying to deny it, I'll make a concerted effort to be more polite, forgiving, etc. 

Also, I'm not afraid to look at dark political subject matter, even if it conflicts with my current beliefs. I'll look at it, and if I think its true, perhaps change my beliefs. I'm not going to lie to myself about the state of the world just to feel safe, if I find out there are some really negative things going on. 

Rather than being in a constant seesaw between arrogance and insecurity, once I quit lying to myself I became a more humble, optimistic and well rounded person.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Great post, SS. Great personal examples. Loved the part about just accepting our flaws.

Thanks so much for that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thanks, Holland. I think my main goal with my kids is to produce responsible adults.

Okay, stable, loving, responsible adults.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SolidSnake said:


> I definitely think many people lie to themselves, and the state of the world is proof of it. One of the great things about this forum is that you get to see denial in action. I have made a concerted effort not to do this in my own life anymore.


:iagree:

Denial is a great word for it. This is when people sart to lie to themselves when they deny something brought to their attention. But many people don't even get to that state and live and feel without thinking. And unless someone brings it to their attention they may not realize what they are doing. Is living in ignorance lying to yourself? Since we are supposed to be creatures of intellect, I think it is. We need to pledge as SolidSnake does to have regular times of introspection to question our motives and look into the emotions that drive us. We are frequently driven by emotions and other factors that are not premeditated. Because of this I think we owe it to us and the people with whom we interact with to reconcile our behavior with reality. 

So for myself I can only promise to balance my emotional checkbook on a regular basis which i guess in some way is the same as insisting upon honesty. Though from the point of view of others they may see my actions right before balancing which will be to them living a lie. You need to look back to move forward on a regular basis. So in the end I can only promise to self correct regularly.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

jld said:


> Even if it's painful? Do you refuse to lie to yourself, even when it would be comforting?
> 
> Do you force yourself to consider an opposite viewpoint, even when it makes you mad, or exposes at least a small hole in your own argument?
> 
> ...


If I was dishonest with myself I would say "Yes, of course I am *always* honest with myself" 

The truth is: I am not. I am just human. I have yet to meet to the person who never decieves herself/himself.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I try to be honest with myself. The reality is that everyone is biased when viewing themselves. It's fundamental to human nature. To see yourself honestly often requires input from an external perspective (someone you can trust), so that you can break the barriers of delusion. Our egos and subconscious won't have it any other way. The closest anyone has come to complete self-honesty are probably Zen masters.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> If I was dishonest with myself I would say "Yes, of course I am *always* honest with myself"
> 
> The truth is: I am not. I am just human. I have yet to meet to the person who never decieves herself/himself.


It's tricky, isn't it? I want to be honest with myself, even when it's painful, because I think that is the only way I will grow, and I want to grow. 

But besides the things I resist seeing, some things I just cannot see. I can't view myself objectively. 

I rely on other people to tell me if I am not seeing things correctly, but what if it is just their opinion, too? Can we ever have absolute truth?


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

> :iagree:
> 
> Denial is a great word for it. This is when people sart to lie to themselves when they deny something brought to their attention. But many people don't even get to that state and live and feel without thinking. And unless someone brings it to their attention they may not realize what they are doing. Is living in ignorance lying to yourself? Since we are supposed to be creatures of intellect, I think it is. We need to pledge as Solidstate does to have regular times of introspection to question our motives and look into the emotions that drive us. We are frequently driven by emotions and other factors that are not premeditated. Because of this I think we owe it to us and the people with whom we interact with to reconcile our behavior with reality.
> 
> So for myself I can only promise to balance my emotional checkbook on a regular basis which I guess in some way is the same as insisting upon honesty. Though from the point of view of others they may see my actions right before balancing which will be to them living a lie. You need to look back to move forward on a regular basis. So in the end I can only promise to self correct regularly.


Yes Absolutely. I agree that we are creatures of intellect. I would go further and say that we are also creatures of emotion. The highest goal should be to unify intellect and emotion, so that there is no contradiction between what you think, what you feel, and how you act. 

What is more, when you do this type of inner work on your subconscious motivations, it makes it harder for you to be flattered or manipulated by others, or controlled by your insecurities. You also don't tend to self sabotage. 

For example, when you have integrity within, you are less likely to go looking for validation or attention from the opposite sex because of some subconscious insecurity that you have (how many affairs start this away?) 

Karl Jung coined the term "the shadow," to refer to the dark, hidden, negative parts of the self. In his autobiography, he stated "_ had to try to gain power over [my fantasies]; for I realized that if I did not do so, I ran the risk of their gaining power over me."

I've attached the questionnaire that I use to do this type of work on myself in case anyone is interested._


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I try not to. This is easier when you allow yourself to deliberately step away from reality - a night out, watching a movie, indulging in day dreaming or fantasy, etc. 

When the product of the daydreaming bears fruit, there is less need to lie to oneself...

So, it's a good habit. Creating temporary environments when one is allowed to lie to oneself, and to believe those lies, to try them on for size. Lying in this way is not necessarily bad, it stretches the truth towards a good direction.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> *Even if it's painful? Do you refuse to lie to yourself, even when it would be comforting?*


 I wouldn't find lying to myself comforting....this would not last...It would be like an annoying rattling going on in my brain... my conscience wouldn't be able to hold it .....what can be gained from this .... all that comes to my mind is... Not facing reality...

This will always come back to hurt in some fashion.....yourself, your Joy... those around you....

There is a book entitled "*Telling Yourself the Truth"*....(I have a different book/ same author)... 



> Most of What Happens in Your Life Happens Because of the Way You Think
> 
> Wrong thinking produces wrong emotions, wrong reactions, wrong behavior--and unhappiness! Learning to deal with your thoughts is the first step on the road to healthy thinking.
> 
> ...


 So yeah...a better path is... facing your demons, looking them square in the eyes...it's a most worthy fight to keep the truth before us....this keep us balanced / self aware -so long as we have self compassion ....resilience...that helps US deal with ourselves ...and our relationships runs smoother, more trust, a foundation of honesty....even empathy when others mess up. 










When we search our own heart /motivations....sometimes that's not so pretty...we see how SELFISH we can be....we want "*our way*".....yet also (hopefully if we stay attuned to that small inner voice)....something within us wants to do *the RIGHT thing*for the situation at hand...this brings the greatest Peace within..irregardless of how others take us, we are settled within.



> *Do you force yourself to consider an opposite viewpoint, even when it makes you mad, or exposes at least a small hole in your own argument?*


I think it is very important to stop, at the very least listen to our critics, try to see through their eyes/ their story.. It challenges US ...and in this, we learn things about ourselves. 



> *If you do these things, why do you do them?
> Do you find you can't really grow any other way?*


 I have *a need* to be at peace with those in my life.. ..I'm not fond of making mistakes, I am hard on myself when I mess up.... I want to be the best ME I can BE... 

I can screw it up now & then... but I know what I need to do.. be honest with myself...and go humble my sorry a$$... People do have a great appreciation for this -when your heart is sincere.... 



> *SolidSnake said*: *I agree that we are creatures of intellect. I would go further and say that we are also creatures of emotion. The highest goal should be to unify intellect and emotion, so that there is no contradiction between what you think, what you feel, and how you act.*























> *Karl Jung coined the term "the shadow," to refer to the dark, hidden, negative parts of the self. In his autobiography, he stated " had to try to gain power over [my fantasies]; for I realized that if I did not do so, I ran the risk of their gaining power over me."*


_ I've never read anything about this ...as yet..just heard about it a couple times on this forum.....sounds like good stuff !_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SolidSnake said:


> Yes Absolutely. I agree that we are creatures of intellect. I would go further and say that we are also creatures of emotion. The highest goal should be to unify intellect and emotion, so that there is no contradiction between what you think, what you feel, and how you act.
> 
> What is more, when you do this type of inner work on your subconscious motivations, it makes it harder for you to be flattered or manipulated by others, or controlled by your insecurities. You also don't tend to self sabotage.
> 
> For example, when you have integrity within, you are less likely to go looking for validation or attention from the opposite sex because of some subconscious insecurity that you have (how many affairs start this away?)


Very nicely stated SolidSnake! You summarized concisely what I was trying to say through the checkbook anology. I indeed ask myself questions like those in the attached file in an attempt to unify my intellectual and emotional self. 

And the two benefits you mention are spot on. There is less need for validation and less opportunities for someone to manipulate you.

*And through this process you learn what your needs really are*. Once you know what you need then you can obtain it and focus on the needs of your spouse.


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## MarthaMellow (Dec 30, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> These are just a few I can recall from my research and musings.
> ......
> 
> *Unnecessary Talking* – An obstacle to inner development is talking without aim or attention, or arguing for argument's sake. It is better to silently contemplate issues before you put them to words , and don't waste energy on vain imaginations.
> ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jld said:


> Even if it's painful? Do you refuse to lie to yourself, even when it would be comforting?
> 
> Do you force yourself to consider an opposite viewpoint, even when it makes you mad, or exposes at least a small hole in your own argument?
> 
> ...


Yes, I do. And while I've learned a lot about myself and benefited in some ways, I truly wish I could be more like other people and take comfort in platitudes and self-superiority. It's a lot easier, but I no longer am capable of that.

Why do I do this? Because I came to believe that not doing it is somehow undeserving, but I see evidence all around that this is a mistaken belief.


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## ca-nami (Jan 15, 2014)

it depends. if the truth is unvoidable, reality is no obstacle. It shouldn't be avoided like a large rock in the road.


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