# I guess thats it



## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

My husband and I haven't had sex in quite a while. I would say a month. The last two times we tried, he couldn't get hard enough for penetration, and when he did get hard it didn't stay that way for long. Just yesterday, I asked him to go see his doctor. His excuse was that he didn't have money for the doctor.(he has no medical coverage) I said I didn't care, we would pay for the doctors visit out of pocket. 
This isn't the only times he has had problems. Its gotten worse over the years. He thinks that its age related. I said BULL****!. There are plenty of older men with very active sex lives.(he is 60) He also made the comment that he wasn't good at it. So I ask him. Is that it then. Is our marriage going to be a sexless one because you don't want to visit the doctor and see whats wrong???
So, if he doesn't do anything, thats that. Im going to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my marriage, which to me is unacceptable. Or do I just accept it, and try to make the best of it? Im 54 years old, and can't see doing that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bab123 said:


> My husband and I haven't had sex in quite a while. I would say a month. The last two times we tried, he couldn't get hard enough for penetration, and when he did get hard it didn't stay that way for long. Just yesterday, I asked him to go see his doctor. His excuse was that he didn't have money for the doctor.(he has no medical coverage) I said I didn't care, we would pay for the doctors visit out of pocket.
> This isn't the only times he has had problems. Its gotten worse over the years. He thinks that its age related. I said BULL****!. There are plenty of older men with very active sex lives.(he is 60) *He also made the comment that he wasn't good at it. * So I ask him. Is that it then. Is our marriage going to be a sexless one because you don't want to visit the doctor and see whats wrong???
> So, if he doesn't do anything, thats that. Im going to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my marriage, which to me is unacceptable. Or do I just accept it, and try to make the best of it? Im 54 years old, and can't see doing that.


The bolded is significant. How long have you been married. Why woiuld he say he was not very good at it?

I agree he should go to a doctor. I agree I would be mad if I were you. I would add though that if you love him at all you will try and work through this. He is obviously depressed. How is his job situation. Men get much of their self esteem through thier job.

I would suggest that if you were to cheat on him it is likely just going to put a nail in his coffin. So you may want to consider divorce if he does not take any action.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

There are also many, many ways to please and pleasure each other that don't involve a penis. The fact that he isn't willing to explore those other ways is very telling.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> There are also many, many ways to please and pleasure each other that don't involve a penis. The fact that he isn't willing to explore those other ways is very telling.


Yes


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

We have been married for 25 years. When he said "he wasn't good at it" means just that. For the first part of our marriage, he was happy just with a couple of positions and bj's. This goes back to the other post I wrote were I said that I have tried to show/tell him what I like to no avail. He has tried giving me oral, but really doesn't like to. It just leads to frustration and me gently telling him we would try later, which never comes. 
When we try variety, he goes flacid. The only way he gets hard again is if I give him a bj, and the only one who gets off is him. Lately even trying to give him a bj doesn't work.
In the past we have also used a natural remedy which actually works. Keeps him hard so we can try different positions. Because of the nature of "natural remedies" I have been reluctant to give it to him too often. These products do not have the approval of the FDA, and even though the ingrediants are listed, you don't know all the side affects.( one of them for him is a raging headache in the morning) 
It doesn't help matters that he has gained 25 pounds, and is developing a gut. 
Saying "I love You" doesn't have much of a zing to it these days.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

bab123 said:


> We have been married for 25 years. When he said "he wasn't good at it" means just that. For the first part of our marriage, he was happy just with a couple of positions and bj's. This goes back to the other post I wrote were I said that I have tried to show/tell him what I like to no avail. He has tried giving me oral, but really doesn't like to. It just leads to frustration and me gently telling him we would try later, which never comes.
> When we try variety, he goes flacid. The only way he gets hard again is if I give him a bj, and the only one who gets off is him. Lately even trying to give him a bj doesn't work.
> In the past we have also used a natural remedy which actually works. Keeps him hard so we can try different positions. Because of the nature of "natural remedies" I have been reluctant to give it to him too often. These products do not have the approval of the FDA, and even though the ingrediants are listed, you don't know all the side affects.( one of them for him is a raging headache in the morning)
> It doesn't help matters that he has gained 25 pounds, and is developing a gut.
> Saying "I love You" doesn't have much of a zing to it these days.



There are some real ED issues there. There also appear to be some self-image, confidence issues. You can be in a sexless marriage from here on out, or you can tell him you love him, want him, but you're not going to be driven crazy NOT being able to have him. So, he either takes the issue seriously and gets help, or you're out the door.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

bab123 said:


> We have been married for 25 years. When he said "he wasn't good at it" means just that. For the first part of our marriage, he was happy just with a couple of positions and bj's. This goes back to the other post I wrote were I said that I have tried to show/tell him what I like to no avail. He has tried giving me oral, but really doesn't like to. It just leads to frustration and me gently telling him we would try later, which never comes.
> When we try variety, he goes flacid. The only way he gets hard again is if I give him a bj, and the only one who gets off is him. Lately even trying to give him a bj doesn't work.
> In the past we have also used a natural remedy which actually works. Keeps him hard so we can try different positions. Because of the nature of "natural remedies" I have been reluctant to give it to him too often. These products do not have the approval of the FDA, and even though the ingrediants are listed, you don't know all the side affects.( one of them for him is a raging headache in the morning)
> It doesn't help matters that he has gained 25 pounds, and is developing a gut.
> Saying "I love You" doesn't have much of a zing to it these days.



Ok here is the deal. I'll bet a nickel to a doughnut that his problem is infact ED. If you gave him a natural remedy that worked it is probably L-Arginine. This particular remedy works like other ED drugs in that it causes vasodialation. This is necessary to cause an erection however it also can dilate cerebral vessels as well causing a migraine or vascular type headache. He needs to see a physician this is a fixable problem. Chances are at 60 he has low testosterone as well as mens T levels begin to decline in their 30's. This is also fixable.


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

I agree that there may be some "gut" issues and other theoretical medical issues as well. Going to see a doctor for an ED problem is weird, it would be for me anyway. 
"Yeah doc, well the ole poker don't wanna stand up anymore. I dunno if he is just too tired. Maybe he's too bored with the same ole thing all time. Maybe he just knows that with all the nasty talk that the wife and I have, that it is all talk and we ain't gonna do that. I dunno, wife says you can do somethin. Grab hold of it and see if you can get a rise out him."

I think that in a relationship we must continually grow together, especially sexually. That is really one of the most important things that we in common when we retire. I can say from experience, that as I get older, I have less desire to initiate sex with my SO. Maybe I feel as though I have always been the one to initiate it and I am just tired of being the initiator. Maybe I feel that since I seem to be the initiator, then she is only having sex with me because I want it and she is only fulfilling her duty. On the other hand, on those RARE occasions that she initiates it, the ole poker can really perk up. Especially if she combines it with some Nasty talk. But, then I always wonder when this Nasty stuff is gonna be real. Now as I get older, I am disheartened of the lack of sexual exploration that I have had in my lifetime. It is one of the last frontiers that I can still physically explore and I may have to accept the fact that I won't get to travel there.

For some, societal and religious ideals and morals stand in the way of growing sexually, we should probably not eliminate that as a factor.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

I tried talking to him again today about going to the doctor. And again he sited the money issue. I AGAIN said I didn't care, that we would pay for it out of our pocket, but he will not do it.
He thinks its just due to stress, and age. He got very upset and raised his voice at me. I told him he didn't need to raise his voice at me.
I asked him if he wants this marriage to stay together. He said yes, and thinks its the little things we do for each other that say "I love you" and is enough. More than once tho he has brought up our anniversary last February. Saying that he didn't think I appreciated what he did for me. Cooked dinner, had champaign, flowers, a card and desert. Why he needs to bring it up, I don't know.
He thinks that just because it happened only once, that there is no problem. I told him it has happened multiple times. He is just in total denial.
I don't think I can say I love you anymore and mean it. Im so sad. I also feel so alone right now.  And no, that doesn't mean Im going to cheat on him.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Thats just the problem. He thinks there is nothing to fix. And with that attitude, I can't see him doing anything about it. weR2, I am also disheartened with the lack of sexual exploration throughout our marriage. Can't seem to teach this old dog new tricks.
Oh yeah, he grew up Roman Catholic, and got the sex talk from a priest. A FRIGGIN PRIEST!! A guy who has taken vows to be celebate. I have ribbed him about that many a time. Your talking back in the early 60's. Makes me wonder what kind of info they gave out. How accurate etc. And of course Im sure being strict Catholics, they put there own spin on it.
Im 54 years old and not ready for the rocking chair by a loooong shot.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sex is the glue that binds us. If he won't address it you have to make a choice. It is really sad to me to see something so obviously treatable being ignored to the detriment of the spouse. 

A lot of things are weird when it comes to medicine such as colonoscopy or whatever but its not going to fix itself. I had to talk to a urologist about it and it wasn't fun for me either but he got it fixed and the fix is worth the weirdness.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

I have another question. He had nice wood this morning, and we did have sex. It was just to satisfy him tho. I wanted to see if he could do it. I know that sounds awful, but it made me wonder. Does that mean he still has a problem? I know he is going to use this time as a see, I can do it, I don't have a problem thing. How do I address that if he brings it up?


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

bab123 said:


> I have another question. He had nice wood this morning, and we did have sex. It was just to satisfy him tho. I wanted to see if he could do it. I know that sounds awful, but it made me wonder. Does that mean he still has a problem? I know he is going to use this time as a see, I can do it, I don't have a problem thing. How do I address that if he brings it up?


Positive sign here, we can't expect immediately results. Tell us how it goes tomorrow morning. Keep up the communication and understanding.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

bab123 said:


> I have another question. He had nice wood this morning, and we did have sex. It was just to satisfy him tho. I wanted to see if he could do it. I know that sounds awful, but it made me wonder. Does that mean he still has a problem? I know he is going to use this time as a see, I can do it, I don't have a problem thing. How do I address that if he brings it up?


From what you have described I would say he still has a ED prob. multiple erections through the night are normal for guys but its not for the same reasons as arousal. He needs medical help and it would be a shame for him not to pursue it. 

Most guys are far more reluctant than women to seek help from a Dr for anything much less something like this. keep encouraging him to go. I would have never gone if it weren't for her but as usual she was right.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> From what you have described I would say he still has a ED prob. multiple erections through the night are normal for guys but its not for the same reasons as arousal. He needs medical help and it would be a shame for him not to pursue it.
> 
> Most guys are far more reluctant than women to seek help from a Dr for anything much less something like this. keep encouraging him to go. I would have never gone if it weren't for her but as usual she was right.



I think the guy's uncomfortable going to the doctor because it stains his pride as man. He doesn't want to be labeled "not man enough" or "not good enough as a man."

It's really a problem but I believe that there's a solution. The thing is, the man's gotta open his mind and accept that there is a problem so that both of you can solve it.


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