# Mass Confusion



## rjk1080 (Jun 19, 2010)

Long time reader, first time poster. 

This site definitely helped me through some dark days...was nice to know I wasn't the only one out there.

Anyway I have some major confusion going on that has been going for awhile. My story is quite long but I feel needs to be told in order to get some good feedback from you guys. I'll start with a post my wife put on another site back in November. It covers a lot of ground and probably couldn't be said any better by me. Here it is: 

I have been married for almost 10 years and we have a handsome 4 year old boy. About 4 months ago, I asked my husband for a separation. I told him I didn't love him anymore and I didn't know why I just didn't anymore. Our relationship started out young we married when we just turned 21. Well he started to go through a very painful time, trying to win me back, change my mind whatever he could do. I just stood by and gave him no sympathy. During our relationship, my husband would make very hurtful comments on my looks or what I was wearing. Which in turn gave me a very low self-esteem. In the last 4 months, he has started counseling. During his sessions, he has come to terms that the reasoning for that was his own insecurities. He also talks to his counselor regarding his own "shortfalls" as a person due to his upbringing and lack of good parenting from his folks. So he has admitted his faults and has whole-heartedly apologized. Two weeks ago he moved out and I thought I was doing good and over him and happy. Then I found out he has been seeing this 10 year younger girl for approximately a week and the relationship is moving fast. they spend the night with each other whenever they can which is when he doesn't have our son. He was ready to take her to his family's house for Thanksgiving. But he continued to tell me he would take me back in a second if I would take have him. I started just casually dating a guy that is really nice, responsible and overall great guy. However, the situation with him has caused me an emotional overload. It made all my emotions that I suppressed over the last 10 years to surface. I realized I separated from him because I didn't feel special, important, or beautiful with him because all I could hear was the hurtful remarks. I don't know what to do. I am going to start seeing our family therapist tomorrow regarding the self-esteem issues and to get a better outlook on myself. However, my feelings now make me scared. I'm confused. I feel sometimes that I could truly be happy with him since we are both getting help for our insecurities and issues. I don't want to hurt this nice guy that I'm seeing but before all this came about he was genuinely I guy I thought I could like. Now that I have emotional overload I feel that there is fault in him either here or there. I have since shared all this with my husband and he and his gf have slowed way down because he realizes it has caused me so much pain and that's the last thing he wants at this time. He has "left" her a few times because he wants to make sure he has done everything he can because he says I am the love of his life. I'm scared to say yes because what if I get help and feel better about myself and we still wouldn't be happy. Or what if I get help and I want to be with him but he has moved on. I don't want to hurt the guy I am seeing now but I can't help but wonder if my husband could truly make me happy. Any advice?

Sidenote: Through this all, we both make sure that we are there for our son 100%. We put everything aside when it comes to him and there is no arguing or fussing in front of him. We both know that our son is our #1 priority. 

To be continued in next post....


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## rjk1080 (Jun 19, 2010)

ok. fast forward to now.

we both dropped those "other people a while back. she has made some huge progress in therapy. she says it would be great if we were back together but realizes it may not be. 

We are very supportive of each other and communicate and hang out almost every day. I still do not live at home. . Our son is doing quite well and we do not want to cause any more confusion for him. We do have sort of a hybrid separation though. I sleep over some nights and she sleeps over some nights. 

As far as me personally, I can not think about anything else but this situation. I still feel as if I don't want to be married. However, I have finally figured out that no one is to blame for this anymore but myself and my issues. My wife is addressing every issue we had. Thru therapy and communication we learned that there were respect and self esteem issues on both sides.

The reason I feel I don't want to be married (currently anyway, starting to distrust myself lately) is because I got married too young and too quick. We married at 21 at 6 weeks after we met. I had quite a low self esteem from childhood issues and was amazed that there was anyone that wanted me. When my wife showed me that she did. I held on tight. While I thank God for bringing my wife and son into my life, I feel like I robbed myself of the chance to do things the right way. I feel like the need for security and unconditional love was so great that I gave up an important part of my life.

Problem is my wife is a damn good woman. She is one of a kind. I'm pretty sure I'll never find another like her. I know that if I would allow it, I would be satisfied with her. I know all this and yet I still have these feelings. I am scared crapless about all this. I am scared to death of making a wrong decision either way. I don't want to go back to my wife if I can not put her on the pedestal she deserves to be on. I am trying to put her there. But I don't know if it will happen. At the same time I am scared to death of losing her. There is also a guilt factor with hurting her and of course knowing full well that it would be best for our son if we could be together and happy. wife has tried to impress upon me the importance of trying to figure out what I want and to worry less about those two things but that is easier said than done.

ok. I am sure I am leaving stuff out but will fill in in the replies as needed. Any comments appreciated.

Thank you.


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