# Separated and wondering if any hope of reconciliation in this circumstance?



## myelw316 (Nov 18, 2011)

*Need advice please*

My H of 17 years (4 kids) separated 2 months ago (living at his mom's)
Acting the last 3 weeks like he is working on our marriage, but then got very bad news from work (not sure if that is related to this or not)
My H told me 'I told you I don't see any reconciling between us. I enjoy your company but that is about the extent of things'. 
What's funny is that a month ago I would have looked at this as progress...he was so angry and didn't want to see me. He started pursuing me as I backed off and stopped asking questions. I asked to see him wed. and then on friday I mentioned the weekend (as in us possibly going out) ....that's when he basically starting talking divorce again. 
Then this text was on Sunday after I was asking about our situation. I KNOW not to press and ask questions and to even seem to pursue, but I got impatient.

My questions are:
1.Who on these forums has reconciled after an EA and hearing ILYBNILWY type of comments? Anyone?

2. And how did you help or hurt making that happen? 

3. How do I 'go dark' when my husband comes up with 'urgent' situations every time I try to do it? 

Because I think this is also partially a midlife crisis I wonder if the 'going dark/no contact' works in speeding that up....
I know I've read to do that for an affair, but that you can't speed up a midlife crisis...so I feel we got to a good place and do I 'go dark' and make him miss me I need advice and preferably hope.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I am interested in some answers her as well - bumping this for responses.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Several here have recovered from the ILYBINILWY statement. It's a common term used by someone in a mid-life crisis.

You should consider doing a 180 on him. Read other posts in the Coping with Infidelity forum for more information on the 180. But, in real emergency situations, deal with the issue at hand, not him. You might even consider posting there and ask for advice on implementing the 180 under your circumstances.

Good luck


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

A few years ago, I found out my husband was having a series of emotional affair, with several women simultaneously. Yes, he did leave me and move out. He was absolutely sure he wanted a divorce, he mentioned it no less than a dozen times that it was truly over. He did tell me he love me deeply and will always always love me no matter what. Yes, I did the humiliating begging and crying before him, and all those stupid stuff we sad folks tend to do in this situation. Finally, after 2 months, I realized it was not working, and that he wasn't coming back. 

So I wrote him a last goodbye note, basically telling him that as much as it hurt me, I respect his decision to leave and wish him all the best. I also wrote that he should take all the time he needed to consider if he should want to come back, if I were still available then. So basically I was saying my final goodbye, while leaving the door open for both of us for the future. He didn't reply of course.

I went on No Contact. I didn't know anything or heard about the 180 at that time. I also dated other people and went out a lot. I saw my husband once in a blue moon when he came over to the house to pick up stuff such as mail or something he left behind. I was always nice, sweet, polite, happy and looking my best when I knew he was coming. I had to act like my world was all rosy and good, even without him. I must have seen him briefly at my place a total of maybe 3 times, for a brief 5 minutes. 

Exactly 1 year later, he came back to me. I wasn't expecting it all all. Our marriage was good, at least that's how I felt on my part. We were planning for a baby after so many years together. But 6 months ago, he left again. I don't have the evidence but I suspect he's been having these emotional affairs again. This time round, I am not sure anymore if its worth to take him back if he returned. I am tired and have gone through the depression thing twice and I think its best to just let go. I am afraid that if it were to happen the 3rd time, I might not survive it, as even right now I think of death of every now and then, and my health has suffered a lot. I am not the same person anymore.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

I have read that if you decide to take the WS spouse back, there has to be total transparency on their part with you. Was he transparent?

If not, tell him you have moved on and he should as well. Easier typed than said, but my ex ask for a divorce, then I had her admit to an affair. I say my way or the highway! 

I am still in the home, and she is out staying with "friends" or the boy toy..which one, I don't care anymore!

I went dark, and simply prayer for her during her MLC. Do I love her, yes. Do I want her back at this time, no!


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