# I feel so distant from my wife, scared for what's next...



## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

I never felt so much distance between my wife and I, we're basically roommates now... 

She responds more to emotional intimacy, whereas, I respond more to physical intimacy. Besides that, there has also been other things that have definitely not helped our marriage; 

a) from sleeping in separate rooms because I snore and she's a light sleeper.
b) I want to have kids but she always breaks down crying and apologizes that she's not like most girls / her friends that were all very eager to have kids, and she just doesn't know why she doesn't have that same urge.
c) the last couple times we did try to have sex, it did not seem like she was into it because it was like the Sahara desert down there.

Maybe there is something wrong with me but I need that physical connection to feel that emotional connection. I've tried to explain it to her before; I tell her it's not just about the sex for me, if it was I would have cheated on her years ago. I like it when she gets off and she's into just as much as I'm into; that connection is what makes me feel loved and in return makes me feel emotionally connected with her and it brings out all the lovey-dovey things I like to do for her and I know she loves too.

We've been down the road where she has told me that she responds to me; so the more emotional affection I giver the more sexually intimate she wants to be. She has said that before, but saying and actually happening are two different things; so in the end she gets fulfilled emotionally and I still end of feeling distant. And it just compounds when the times we do try to be sexual, she's like the Sahara desert; it's embarrassing and just makes me feel like not making any advances towards her anymore. 

It's just really hard for me to be super affectionate with her due to all the reasons listed above, and I don't do a good job trying to fake it. It's just hard to be this perfect husband to her when I'm not happy or excited to do these things for her when my needs go unnoticed. 

We have been to a therapist before and it really didn't change anything. We no longer fight and she never cries anymore, but I think we both know that we are not happy. Things are just not how they use to be before, and it feels at this point we make better friends than lovers. We don't kiss, we don't touch...it just got to the point where it just feels awkward now.

I don't want to take the "divorce" route but I also don't want to just feel like we are "stuck in time"; we are not moving forward with a family because for some reason she doesn't have strong feelings of having a baby. I just don't know what else can be done at this point; I'm tired of having the same conversation over and over.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You two have serious and fundamental problems. Even if you could work out the issue with sex, are you OK with not having children? Is this something you discussed before you married?

If you really don't want to divorce, I would suggest couples counseling to at least put the issues on the table with a neutral third party.

Do you love her? Are you in love with her?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

a) Do what you medically need to get together in the same bed.
b) Accept her for who she is and wants, or free her of your expectations and find what you need after ending your relationship.
c) To be honest I doubt it is a physical challenge and you need to have her mind in tune with yours to really, really enjoy it. If it is physical, coconut oil is a blast if you are in tune with another.

While you are at it, take the time to learn to connect with her, understand where you can compliment while reducing where you don't, and stop faking it... she will see your efforts for what they are, but then that may be the problem and is proved by her stimulation (body and spirit... they must be aligned) unless there is something more physiological.

You need the physical, that is understood...but it is so much more than that, and you are not meeting that mindfully.

If she doubts your emotional commitment, she will doubt expanding that which she is unsure of...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Snoring? Get tested for sleep apnea ASAP. Seriously... call your doc at 8 am Monday to arrange this.

Give (genuine) emotional intimacy to get physical intimacy.

Coconut oil is awesome.

Thoroughly talk out the kids thing -- if she's dead set against it and that's a dealbreaker for you, divorce is the only reasonable recourse.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to get back in the same bed. Gus is right, get you but to the doc ASAP to check if you have sleep apnea. You need to make sure you're meeting her emotional needs. This is HUGE for women. 

I'm going to recommend that you read MMSL Primer. It's a guide on becoming a better man so that you can attract you wife. You can create an action plan with a set time goal in the hope of turning things around. Hopefully this can be fixed, including the desire to have kids. Once you're able to attract your wife, she will most likely want to have kids but if she doesn't change on that front, that is a valid reason to divorce.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Is she depress? Clinical depression can be an issue.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ptomczyk11 said:


> a) from sleeping in separate rooms because I snore and she's a light sleeper.


Go to your GP and ask to take a sleep study. I did this now sleep with a cpap. No big deal, you will feel a hell of a lot better. But untreated sleep apnea is very serious and can kill you, also leads to heart disease, and leads to depression, because you are not getting rem sleep.

All the other stuff I will say stop being passive in your life brother. We are men, we need to take action, when we don't we get depressed. Time to get assertive and address your problems.

Also you should know these problems are going to carry over to the next girl by the way. So if you think you can just move on to a new one and all will be better, you are fooling yourself. A lot of this of this is on you. You may not be "good" at it right now but you need to try. She needs affection and emotional intimacy. They need this, just like we need physical intimacy. Start leaving notes about why you love her, what about her you are attracted to. Stickies, just leave them in her purse, in the refrigerator. It's easier because you don't have to do it face to face. Try to listen to her with empathy. Listen, if she is telling you she needs something, do that for her. This is your chance to be the hero in her life. Not saying be a pushover, I am saying be strong, show strength enough to work for your marriage. Strong men do. 

You do this I bet you get more sex. If you get more sex then start adding more stuff like this. Also hug her, just do it even if it doesn't feel natural. JUST DO IT. Just make it a point when you see her to kiss her, like it is the most natural thing in the world. Don't make a show if it, just do it, like a pat on the back. Not on the lips but on the neck, shoulders, hands, feet. Do it, even if you are faking it. When you do this, just leave it at that for a while. Don't then expect it to lead to sex. If you try to move right to sex she is going to think it is not real, that it's a bate and switch. Nah this is the long con you are pulling. 

Next how much of her needs do you address when you are having sex, if she is dry down there it's because you are not doing enough to turn her on. Don't be afraid of your own sexuality with her. If you lust for her, LUST for he in bed. She needs to feel this. Let it out man. Look her in the eyes when you are having sex. Close. Put your mouth to her ear and tell her how much you are lusting for her in that moment. Stuff like that. She won't be dry for long. She needs to feel like she is Sophia Loren to you. 

You can do this man, or don't, but then move on, most of all don't just passively go through life. We are men we need to act.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe you need more sessions with a better therapist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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