# Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUGH".



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUGH".*

For all familiar with my posts..I often gush about my husband & I mean every word.... I speak from the







. But we have our fights too ... like anyone else...I bring them on (I've also said this many times on here)...this thread is about those fights....
We had one last night...I get too antsy for







& have very little patience. I'd be a high drivers DREAM. 

I married a very calm laid back Introverted Man geared Beta/ Nice Guy...he is not one to rock the boat....I am his world.... he has always been what most would deem VANILLA in bed (except he loves eating at the Y- I suppose that is vanilla too)... He is a Sensual & Receptive LOVER...... Major pleaser... can hold out for my orgasm like a PRO... I need that... No complaints here. 

For our 1st 19 yrs... I seriously never gave much thought to upping anything in the bedroom, not sure why I was so brain dead here...I was utterly HAPPY/ satisfied / fulfilled ...Vanilla worked for me ..even if I wanted the lights dim & under a sheet. 

Looking back.. I was seriously NOT in touch with my sexual potential at all....I was repressed with too much "Good Girl" thinking (Biggest regrets in life)... I hate myself for this :banghead:... I feel WE missed so much.. with those being his BEST years (horny antsy Lusty hormones at my disposal & I took it all for granted...I cringe when I think about this). Why didn't he come on to me more! Damn him, he could have aroused me more so....he stuffed it instead not being a boat rocker. 

Ever since my Sexual Awakening...(4 + yrs ago now)... It's like I've been let out of a cage ..I've never felt more ALIVE... pleasure is my daily pursuit & greatest enjoyment ..I want to give to him & I want for myself.........It's been a great RIDE...Sexual Enthusiasm oozes from me...it was I who opened up the sex talk, everything Erotic we try... and Yes, my husband loves this.. if not, I think I'd want to kill him







...I *NEED* his excitement and desire.. If he pushed me away, said I was "TOO much"... it would have destroyed us.... This is not our issue.

But yet...I find myself causing fights with him...months could go by but they resurface...(like last night)....granted I am probably PMSing...which brings this on







....I call these my "Meltdowns"....it's ALWAYS about the same darn thing... 

Something in me wants more Ooommppphh out of him, more ROUGH....would love nothing more for him to come home...pull me upstairs , push me down on the bed & ravish me, TAKE me..(I've done that to HIM plenty of times!)..... Show some antsy lust, that he WANTS me ...and NOW...Yes, I watch too many hot Romances likely!

Also reading about these husbands on here who "TAKE" their wives, are ANTSY for sex all the time -that causes me to feel this way... I just think --what the hell is wrong with my husband... why can't he do that [email protected]#$%^ (I know the answer, his Test is low normal, he is tired, he is getting older - I Fvckin hate getting older !).... Then my brain gets stuck on this merry go round wanting this... and out the mouth it comes.. it only makes him feel bad.  

Last night he said he thinks he might need Hypnotised to do Role play...:wtf: I felt the blood rushing from my body... what do you do with a comment like that [email protected]#$? Why would a man have a mental blockage here ? I just can't wrap my brain around it. I don't foresee anything changing really... I will feel better after I get LAID (It's been 3 days).. .then this will be an afterthought. 

But IF you have any advice... 

I bought this book months ago, we read a little of it, he agreed with much of what is says about men like him >> 

Just **** Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Last night he said he thinks he might need Hypnotised to do Role play...:wtf: I felt the blood rushing from my body... what do you do with a comment like that [email protected]#$? Why would a man have a mental blockage here ? I just can't wrap my brain around it. I don't foresee anything changing really... I will feel better after I get LAID (It's been 3 days).. .then this will be an afterthought.


SA,

Most men from my generation and earlier have been raised to treasure women, to put them on a pedestal, and treat them like sacred brittle china.
We have to protect and care and support, never questions, harm, or use.

It's tough getting past this conditioning and then in your case he has 19 years of perfectly happy "vanilla" to contend with on top of the "women are princesses" conditioning.




> But IF you have any advice...


I don't really, other than this is gonna take some time and you should keep giving him input (like the book you posted) about what you want.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

I have that book. It was kind of like the sex technique chapters in MMSLP. 

Will he read erotica? I can point you to some really dirty stuff that revolves around domination and sexual slavery. I'm just thinking, maybe if he starts getting turned on my that sort of thing he'll want to try a piece of it. Or maybe you can read it to him. Kind of like on the dom/sub scale he's at a 3, you want him to be at a 6, so if he reads and is turned on by stuff that is clearly at a 9 or 10, maybe 6 will be more doable for him. I'm just thinking out loud. Not sure if that would work or not. He may actually just be turned off by it.

Do you guys have a pre-established safe word? If you ask him to do what you want it kind of defeats the purpose and makes it impossible for him to be dominant (because it's coming from you). But if you have a safe word that gives you the ability to resist him and say no, and gives him permission to ignore your protests....


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

hypnotise him then. make it a spoof and maybe he will play along and give you a nice rough ......


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

No, you're not being whiny.

I read a lot of husbands who are happily married, in love with their wives, the sex is good...but the wife simply will not step outside of vanilla. It ends up being merely one thing out of the whole picture that the husband doesn't like, but when all else is good...it is not a deal breaker.

I'm sure it isn't a deal breaker to you, either.

But you do know your MB principals. So can't you call this a specific emotional need and call him out on those MB principals to fulfil that need in you? Sexual fulfillment is the emotional need, but the WAY you want the sex delivered is the *fulfillment* part. You aren't getting all the fulfillment you could be getting. As your spouse, he should be happy to at least TRY to fulfill it, even if he has to fake it. Right?

And then if he did fake it for a bit (but with the sincere desire to fulfill this need in your), he might find he was ok with it. If you take away from him the "you should want to do this because most men do and most women love it" and instead make it into "you and I have promised to fulfill each other's emotional needs and here is mine", maybe then his motivation for trying it can change enough to at least give it a sincere effort.

And then when you sexually react positively, he might find he really digs it.

Or worst case scenario, it is yucky to him or to you. But if that's the case, you aren't any worse off than you are now, right?

The hypnosis comment was interesting. It does at least give you a clue that this is a pretty far-reaching issue in his mind, or at least he believes it is. BUT...I don't really believe he is not capable of trying. I just think he needs to see the real motivation for trying - - which is that you and he have promised each other that you would fulfill each other's needs.

I'm sure you would be happy with a very small amount of effort on his part. It wouldn't take much for him (or anyone) to just be a little more "oomph" in their stance, words, actions, etc. If he agreed to try, could you start with something as simple as asking him to grab you gently by both arms and slowly push you against the wall and kiss you passionately? Can you ask him for that, just as a gift to you? And while you are in that kiss with him...perhaps you can open yourself up so deeply that you capture his mind and he "gets it" all of a sudden.

I guess my overall feeling is, he can probably step up in the direction you are asking, and you have tried a lot of ways to get him to do so but you just haven't quite hit the one that will work yet. Keep trying.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

Is he worried about being to aggressive (hates the thought of 'using' you) or just not really keen on the thought of rougher sex?


----------



## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

No, I don't think your expectations are too high. This is something you really want, and he is the only one that can give it to you. 

Maybe he is having some anxiety about not knowing exactly what to do or when to try it? Maybe the idea of rough sex is out of his comfort zone, just like role-playing, and he is afraid of not saying/doing the right things to turn you on.

He should try to compromise though, and give it a try. Can you show him an example of what you would like him to do, in a movie or something? There has got to be a book, or tips out there, on how to role-play for those who feel clueless.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA, it probably has everything to do with the internal tape that tells him a good husband would never ever....He loves you so much he can't stomach the idea of not treating you like a queen.

So, you could really piss him off... Or encourage the incremental upping of the force he would have to exert to ravish you using the safe word that was already suggested.

We have an in ground vinyl lined pool and occasionally I have to patch it in the deep end. The first time I had H hold me down using the vacuum pole. Time after time he couldn't hold me down long enough for me to even get the damn patch aligned! He kept releasing and as I was holding my breath I kept rising. He was terrified to hold me under, even though I was yelling at him to do it! 

FINALLY I took a little floaty toy in my mouth and told him when I release this, let me up. It worked, but he hated doing it and begged that one of the kids hold me under next time. Suffocation/drowning is a leftover childhood fear he has. I told him I could never trust anyone but him to hold me under water. We've had to apply many patches over the years and he no longer takes such coaxing, but I still have to bite the floaty toy!


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

Nah, I don't think you're whiny. But at the same time, I can see your husband's POV. Sounds a lot like mine, really. He doesn't do RP. Frankly, the idea makes both of us uncomfortable. But he's not the type to just "take me" either. 

However, it's not like you're telling him that you want him to play out a rape fantasy or anything. You just don't want him to be GENTLE every. single. time. I get that. Sometimes I want mine to drag me into the room. Not to get rough, per se, but just to show he finds me irresistible. That's all. So that much, I get. Not sure how you could get him to "up" the aggressiveness, short of his suggestion of hypnosis (which, really, might not be a horrible idea if you think about it)... but no, you aren't whiny.


----------



## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

*Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "RO*

Nope, not whiny at all! You're post really hit so close to home for me! 

I often wish for exactly the same thing that you have said here! I actually asked him to take control in the bedroom. I am by nature a control freak who is ready for my man to take control from me, I have been craving for him to just take me!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



tacoma said:


> SA,
> 
> Most men from my generation and earlier have been *raised to treasure women, to put them on a pedestal,* and treat them like sacred brittle china.


 Well I







this outside of the bedroom, would never want to change him here either ...even though others may disagree with men being THIS way- feeling it will destroy them...those are some of the reasons I* DO *love him so much...

I just don't see why he cant *BE* both.... I can play both sides of the Lady and the Slvt .....just as many men can UP the Alpha and do the Beta when called for. He'd never think in terms of me as brittle china....ha ha...I realize some women may be delicate , I'm not one of them....He knows full well he can SAY, DO, ACT any old way around me...he's just naturally very TAME... more Tame than I am. 



> It's tough getting past this conditioning and then in your case he has 19 years of perfectly happy "vanilla" to contend with on top of the "women are princesses" conditioning.


 I guess with my Changing / un-doing my own conditioning.. I can't help but think -- why can't HE do that too?? I am comparing Myself and expecting the same from him...because we are working on it together... ..He doesn't mind any of my ramblings on these things, until I start getting critical... and yeah, it happens. 



> I don't really, other than this is gonna take some time and you should keep giving him input (like the book you posted) about what you want.


He's been inputted to the sky & back in the last 4 years... it's still a struggle. 

He walked through the door after work.. I let him read this thread... (He doesn't care, says noone knows him) then pulled me upstairs.... Of course we are good again... I just have my moments.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

You say you know you are his world,and he yours. You know you are truly loved and desired. Sexually, he is giving and open to what you want. You say you want to feel irresistible and if he takes you aggressively it will make you feel more wanted? Maybe I'm off here but if you say you know how much he loves and desires you why is it so important to you that he be the aggressor? I have read other posts by you so I know sexually speaking he is adventuress with you. The whole being taken thing is about passion. You both seem to have passion for eachother. Does his lack of aggresion equate to lack of love or desire to you? It seems to be just not in his personality to do so. Not that he can't or shouldn't at least attempt to move outside of his comfort zone sexually and it seems he does try and has not succeeded. Everyone has their limits. Have there been any improvements in him being the aggressor? I guess what I am having trouble understanding is if you have such a strong and loving emotional and sexual relationship otherwise why is this such a big issue? You may be pushing him so much that he begins to feel like a failure,like he can not be enough for you sexually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

*Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "...*

Simply Amorous, I honestly felt blood rushing to my face when I read your post. Can't offer you advice because I can't imagine being in this situation. I started experimenting with mild form of RP with my girlfriend back in college, but I married another girl, and now I would give my right hand just to have the most boring vanilla sex tonight.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



WorkingOnMe said:


> I have that book. It was kind of like the sex technique chapters in MMSLP.
> 
> Will he read erotica?


He is not a reader...but he'll happily sit with me & we'll go over anything, which I very much appreciate and we've done numerous times.. If I gave him a book to read, he'd be falling asleep in minutes. 



> I can point you to some really dirty stuff that revolves around domination and sexual slavery. I'm just thinking, *maybe if he starts getting turned on by that sort of thing he'll want to try a piece of it. Or maybe you can read it to him. Kind of like on the dom/sub scale he's at a 3, you want him to be at a 6, so if he reads and is turned on by stuff that is clearly at a 9 or 10, maybe 6 will be more doable for him.*
> 
> I'm just thinking out loud. Not sure if that would work or not. He may actually just be turned off by it.


 Appreciate your thoughts Working on Me.... it doesn't hurt to point me there, it's something NEW and I like to check things out... So point away... 

I do KNOW that he gets upset inside ...with anything where a man is physically hurting a woman... he can not even watch a RAPE scene on TV, he's said before something like >>> "Makes me want to kill someone" ...the thought is very unsettling to him.....Women should never be demeaned... hurt...it's against his moral code in every respect. Maybe he's a little more over the top in Gentlemen than the norm... I surely wouldn't doubt it! 

If these videos has some HOT ladies in them... well, this may be an opener to desensitize him just a bit (that seems to be called for) ...open up some recess of his erotic mind... that would be a step in the right direction.. Hey, ya never know! We're not against Porn.. rented it for a months a couple yrs ago.... but the most we've watched is "How To" videos and SOFT. 



> Do you guys have a pre-established safe word? I*f you ask him to do what you want it kind of defeats the purpose and makes it impossible for him to be dominant (because it's coming from you)*.


 Yes, this is WHY, after a time, I do fall prey to getting irritated and make an issue out of it.. like today, yeah, he pulls me upstairs after reading it here... It's not the same... ya know... but Yeah...he tries..

Is it so wrong to want a HOT Surprise once in a while. I don't think so. I can't see me ever needing a Safe word with him. He can't even spank my a$$ hard enough.... I am saying "Harder, Harder" - then I showed him how HARD I wanted it - our bedroom antics can be a Riot at times. At least we can still laugh about all of this!


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

Maybe possibly suggesting he randomly pin you down and give you oral (my husband does that then just walks away soooooo hot),
it may be easier for him to see it as pleasuring you that rather than dominating.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



chillymorn said:


> hypnotise him then. make it a spoof and maybe he will play along and give you a nice rough ......


I had a good







reading this.. and in all honesty, If I knew a Hypnotist who dealt with sexual issues...the wheels would be turning to take him there... It's just not the normal request..it'd be awfully embarrassing.... a sight more than asking for Viagra from your Doctor !


----------



## Jack29 (Oct 20, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

I believe you're being a bit whiny. Its ok that you should ask for what you want but after all if one already gives his/her best in bed the other partner should be understanding about it. People more often than not ask for far too many things in bed, probably because they're influenced by what they hear/see/watch on porn but they forget to count the blessings they already have.

I've been with women who have not let me do them doggy or have not felt like giving me oral because they weren't comfortable and id be an ungrateful basterd if i whine about it.

Thats just me of course!


----------



## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

*Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "...*

You CANNOT hypnotize a person to do something he is not willing to do. Sorry. Impossible.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Faithful Wife said:


> No, you're not being whiny.
> 
> I read a lot of husbands who are happily married, in love with their wives, the sex is good...*but the wife simply will not step outside of vanilla.* It ends up being merely one thing out of the whole picture that the husband doesn't like, but when all else is good...it is not a deal breaker.
> 
> I'm sure it isn't a deal breaker to you, either.


 Yes, this is exactly WHY I identify MORE with MEN over women....on this forum...our situation is backwards.... I am damn happy I am not a Man, because my patience level with a low drive woman would be impossible to deal with....at least my husband LOVES sex and has Desire...he is more QUIET than I care for... but the organ speaks "He wants me".... I can live with this... remove these 2 things though... I'd have to leave him...It would affect my Happiness and JOY in Matrimony. 



> But you do know your *MB* principals. So can't you call this a specific emotional need and call him out on those MB principals to fulfil that need in you? *Sexual fulfillment is the emotional need, but the WAY you want the sex delivered is the *fulfillment* part*. You aren't getting all the fulfillment you could be getting. As your spouse, he should be happy to at least TRY to fulfill it, even if he has to fake it. Right?


 I am assuming MB = Mind/ Body? I suck with abbreviations, so that's a guess. I agree with what you say here... the *Emotional need* is surely filled... 

He was saying today to me...that he'd be embarrassed if anyone KNEW him on this forum -since I put this on here...because it speaks that his PERFORMANCE is bad... but I said ...."NO...It's not about his performance really....I wouldn't even change that part, I don't want a wham Bam man...heck NO! 

This is more about .... Shaking it up, making it FUN, less predictable... I want him to surprise me sexually, be a little creative about it... take initiative more so... I do it easily, often and I enjoy it...it comes very naturally TO ME... but I'd like a little of that treatment too! 

I don't have to be aroused to TURN on the Seductress at all...so yeah, I don't see why he can't start that more so on me, he knows darn well I will take over after he starts something and get him to rise.... so it's not like he has to BE lustful in that moment...not at all... We are used to starting out - not really "feeling it" but with the soul intention of "getting aroused". 



> And then if he did fake it for a bit (but with the sincere desire to fulfill this need in your), he might find he was ok with it. If you take away from him the "you should want to do this because most men do and most women love it" and instead make it into "you and I have promised to fulfill each other's emotional needs and here is mine", maybe then his motivation for trying it can change enough to at least give it a sincere effort.


 I like your reasoning in this....as I am GUILTY of using the... "most men do & women love it" on him - which only drives him to feel inadequate... see I am horrible! 



> And then when you sexually react positively, he might find he really digs it.


 I am highly enthusiastic with anything he does that is a surprise, a little different, I am a praiser with much feedback..... it does built him up.. but the surprises are few & far between... Honestly, I've spoiled him. He's told me this. 



> The hypnosis comment was interesting. It does at least give you a clue that this is a pretty far-reaching issue in his mind, or at least he believes it is. BUT...I don't really believe he is not capable of trying. I just think he needs to see the real motivation for trying - - which is that you and he have promised each other that you would fulfill each other's needs.


 Well to be honest here, it was ME who mentioned hypnosis a couple years ago -getting on him over this stuff..... one of my remarks jabbing him. So it wasn't his original thought... he has said to me -he doesn't understand why he can't get past these things.. It's like a WALL is there. 

I will talk to him in the way YOU have suggested here Faithful Wife, even the delivery in these things ...could plant a seed of something....every little piece of advice helps.











> I'm sure you would be happy with a very small amount of effort on his part. It wouldn't take much for him (or anyone) to just be a little more "oomph" in their stance, words, actions, etc. If he agreed to try, could you start with something as simple as asking him to grab you gently by both arms and slowly push you against the wall and kiss you passionately? Can you ask him for that, just as a gift to you? And while you are in that kiss with him...perhaps you can open yourself up so deeply that you capture his mind and he "gets it" all of a sudden.


 It's like Working on Me said....if you are telling him what to do...its not coming from him... it just sucks the life out of it somehow..... I want the surprise-him stepping up & doing... on his own... some day...

For instance...he's told me about 3 yrs ago us talking about our fantasies... bla bla... he said he wants me to sit on his face.... Ok great...well I told him I want him to tell me that, put me there.. show his passion in a moment...months would go by...nothing, never even hinted... I must have mentioned this to him about 10 times (when I get pi$$y over this issue) before he did it one day.... Geeze.. it's like pulling teeth... but when he did... it was like







.. ya know that was exciting ...a rush!



> I guess my overall feeling is, he can probably step up in the direction you are asking, and you have tried a lot of ways to get him to do so but you just haven't quite hit the one that will work yet. Keep trying.


 I do hope you are right on this one FaithfulWife... why I did this thread...can't hurt...

I can easily live with this and still be happy, but yeah...this would be over the top happy, I want to go to my grave saying.. ...."I experienced that!"


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "...*



Rakkasan said:


> You CANNOT hypnotize a person to do something he is not willing to do. Sorry. Impossible.


But he DOES want to do it.. he just struggles doing it... and he doesn't understand why.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



TiggyBlue said:


> Is he worried about being to aggressive (*hates the thought of 'using' you*) or just *not really keen on the thought of rougher sex?*


He is not the type who could use a woman, he's told me even in his youth, he'd use his hand over getting off with a woman he wasn't in love with... So BOTH of these are HIS issue. Yes. 

Doubly whammy I guess [email protected]#$%^


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Jessica373 said:


> No, I don't think your expectations are too high. *This is something you really want, and he is the only one that can give it to you*.


 This is exactly how I feel. Once I hit menopause, I probably won't give a damn anymore.. My time IS NOW... and he's *IT.* 



> Maybe he is having some anxiety about not knowing exactly what to do or when to try it? Maybe the idea of rough sex is out of his *comfort zone*, just like role-playing, and he is afraid of not saying/doing the right things to turn you on.


 He would be content with quiet sex till the day he hits dirt..so yeah... all of this is stepping out of his comfort zone. 



> He should try to compromise though, and give it a try. Can you show him an example of what you would like him to do, in a movie or something? There has got to be a book, or tips out there, on how to role-play for those who feel clueless.


 What I do *TO HIM* is his most "Hands on" examples....plus we've read, discussed, watched various porn....

I throw him down on the bed... telling him what I want to do to him...as I'm unbuttoning his shirt... .I go down his body kissing him...reach for the gear shift... I tease him...I'm seductively verbal.... He's got the best example around.... I grope him.. I should have been a Man I guess... and he LOVES it - darn him.. 

That's the killer... It's not like I am a passive wife EXPECTING him to do all of this while I complain & criticize ...I am here doing my part in UPPING the HOTness &







in our bedroom...

But every now & then.... it tends to weigh on me -like I am missing something, feeling this "Primary aggressor". This is *MY* mental hang up... it hasn't died yet. I want to kill it... I know he loves me, he loves Sex ....I get a royal platter of







's ... 

But what do I really want to hear from his lips...maybe twice a month would be rockin'.....
"*I WANT YOU BABY*" !!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



waiwera said:


> SA - I can relate to this somewhat.
> 
> My guy balks at the idea of being rough with me..it's just not him.
> But he's still quite dominant sexually... IMO.
> ...


Sounds like YOUR husband flows with what I seek...He's likely higher TEST than my husband -which has to help some too. 

NO, rough sex doesn't appeal to me so much - just his "coming on to me *strongly*" initially - as I do him. Our roles are backwards & him being THE MAN....this simply shouldn't be that difficult... 

Now if he gets on this thread.. (has an account here).... he is going to say I am exaggerating...I don't give him enough credit. But then when we have this scuffle he does admit he could DO more, push the envelope.... so I am caught in the middle of *HOPE* and "*let down*" to his obvious struggle with it. 

Writing all of this out may bring me clarity of some sort... so I thank you all -who have contributed to this thread... for listening to our little dilemma. I realize it is very small in the scheme of marriage problems here...it's pretty much our only contention. 



Anon Pink said:


> SA, it probably has everything to do with the internal tape that tells him a good husband would never ever....He loves you so much he can't stomach the idea of not treating you like a queen.
> 
> So, *you could really piss him off*... Or encourage the incremental upping of the force he would have to exert to ravish you using the safe word that was already suggested.


 I had to laugh reading this part.... unfortunately he does not react with force with a pi$$ing off...it only makes him feel bad, like a turtle going into his shell...he doesn't like me being mad at him. He is very soft in this way (unlike myself... if you tell me I can't do something, I will prove you wrong - my husband is the opposite of this attitude)...

So Praise/ encouragement / hands on instruction - with no meltdowns for months - doesn't UP these things...and a good Pi$$ing off doesn't either... sounds I am screwed with my pants on - on this one. 



> We have an in ground vinyl lined pool and occasionally I have to patch it in the deep end. The first time I had H hold me down using the vacuum pole. Time after time he couldn't hold me down long enough for me to even get the damn patch aligned! He kept releasing and as I was holding my breath I kept rising. He was terrified to hold me under, even though I was yelling at him to do it!
> 
> FINALLY I took a little floaty toy in my mouth and told him when I release this, let me up. It worked, but he hated doing it and begged that one of the kids hold me under next time. Suffocation/drowning is a leftover childhood fear he has. I told him I could never trust anyone but him to hold me under water. We've had to apply many patches over the years and he no longer takes such coaxing, but I still have to bite the floaty toy!


That is such a COOL example Anon Pink -of a man's FEAR ... because he LOVES ....but with a little brainstorming....you & He overcame.....fixing those Holes!:smthumbup:



> *LoriC said*: Nope, not whiny at all! You're post really hit so close to home for me!
> 
> I often wish for exactly the same thing that you have said here! I actually asked him to take control in the bedroom. I am by nature a control freak who is ready for my man to take control from me, I have been craving for him to just take me!


 I know MOST women want this.. crave this in fact....so I know I am not alone here... *I wonder what your husband's story is *-if you would be willing to share.... Upbringing, religious teaching, inborn temperament (also a factor with my husband for sure) ?


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA, I think FaithfulWife, when referring to MB was referring to MarriageBuilder principals from Dr. Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Jack29 said:


> I believe you're being a bit whiny. Its ok that you should ask for what you want but after all if one already gives his/her best in bed the other partner should be understanding about it. *People more often than not ask for far too many things in bed, probably because they're influenced by what they hear/see/watch on porn but they forget to count the blessings they already have.*
> 
> I've been with women who have not let me do them doggy or have not felt like giving me oral because they weren't comfortable and id be an ungrateful basterd if i whine about it.
> 
> Thats just me of course!


Hogwash. People ask for a bit more because they want to experience new things with their partners. I don't watch porn. My husband doesn't watch porn. But, like SA, I would LOVE to occasionally get the "I WANT YOU BABY!!" from my husband. I would LOVE for him to drag me into the bedroom once in awhile. That doesn't mean I want him to force his d!ck down my throat or choke me to the point I nearly pass out! It means I want to feel WANTED, not just LOVED. Yes, I love being loved... but feeling WANTED makes me feel even more loved. I know some can't understand that, but....


----------



## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

*Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "RO*

I know MOST women want this.. crave this in fact....so I know I am not alone here... *I wonder what your husband's story is *-if you would be willing to share.... Upbringing, religious teaching, inborn temperament (also a factor with my husband for sure) ?[/QUOTE]

I would be happy to share with you! Sounds to me like your husband is almost exactly like mine, real nice guy always does the right thing, etc.... 

Grew up in the suburbs, family of four, mom never worked or drove a car. Catholic upbringing. His temperament is that he is a very laid back guy doesn't get angry too easily. All he wants to do is please me. I will be 44 in a few months. He is 52. 

I have really hit a sexual peak recently. We are doing things in the bedroom that we have never done before. This of course is all initiated by me. He is very willing to do anything that it is that I would like to do. I recently told him that I would do anything for him. He has yet to come up with anything interesting. I did bring up to him that I would really like him to take control once in a while. His reaction to that was he likes it better when it's mutual. Which kind of tells me he's a little uncomfortable being the one to take control. 

One night I would literally like to be dragged up the stairs by my hair. It is definitely long enough for him to do that.


----------



## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

*Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "RO*



Maricha75 said:


> Hogwash. People ask for a bit more because they want to experience new things with their partners. I don't watch porn. My husband doesn't watch porn. But, like SA, I would LOVE to occasionally get the "I WANT YOU BABY!!" from my husband. I would LOVE for him to drag me into the bedroom once in awhile. That doesn't mean I want him to force his d!ck down my throat or choke me to the point I nearly pass out! It means I want to feel WANTED, not just LOVED. Yes, I love being loved... but feeling WANTED makes me feel even more loved. I know some can't understand that, but....


Exactly!!! Well said...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Coffee Amore said:


> SA, I think FaithfulWife, when referring to MB was referring to MarriageBuilder principals from Dr. Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs.


See why I hate abbreviations !! She does mention that a lot, another of my







moments !



Maricha75 said:


> Nah, I don't think you're whiny. But at the same time, I can see your husband's POV. Sounds a lot like mine, really. He doesn't do RP. Frankly, the idea makes both of us uncomfortable. But he's not the type to just "take me" either.


 See , I would highly enjoy some Role Playing, I've had to lay it down -because it's NOT his thing.. Good thing I'm not into S & M, or we'd have to divorce.. though I could play this to the hilts >>







Hes told me he doesn't have any desire to be THAT submissive. 



> However, it's not like you're telling him that you want him to play out a rape fantasy or anything.


 Well something like a near -Rape fantasy would be SWEET ! Explained here>>







Women's Rape Fantasies: How Common? What Do They Mean? 







...they are quite common ....about 4 in 10 women ADMIT to having them (31 to 57%) ...another study said 62% admitted to having them -until they heard the word "RAPE used, then it dropped down to 32 %. 



> Rape or near-rape fantasies are central to romance novels, one of the perennial best-selling categories in fiction. These books are often called "bodice-rippers" and have titles like Love's Sweet Savage Fury, which imply at least some degree of force. In them, *a handsome cad becomes so overwhelmed by his attraction to the heroine that he loses all control and must have her, even if she refuses--which she does initially, but then eventually melts into submission, desire, and ultimately fulfillment.*
> 
> Romance novels are often called "porn for women." Porn is all about sexual fantasies. In porn for men, the fantasy is sexual abundance--eager women who can't get enough and have no interest in a relationship. In porn for women as depicted in romance novels,* the fantasy is to be desired so much that the man loses all control, though he never actually hurts the woman, and in the end, marries her*.


 ...that sums it all UP very nicely... Yeah.. I want some of that ...I don't think it should matter that we've been married 20+ years...We still have passion between the sheets.. so what's a little more in the initial stages before we hit the sheets...He'd feel wholly thrilled with himself if he could pull something like that off. But If I am his Director, it takes a bite out of the thrill. 



> Sometimes I want mine to drag me into the room. Not to get rough, per se, but just to show he finds me irresistible.


 Yeah, us women eat that up - so long as we enjoy our man &







! Why wouldn't we.... Women are supposed to be these "Objects of Desire"... this I believe... so it's Man's deal to pursue & conquer us, bring us to our knees in desire...... 

I must admit some of this IS...I am so FREE to go after what I want....taking control myself...before he even may get THAT chance...then we're already IN IT.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



inarut said:


> You say you know you are his world,and he yours. You know you are truly loved and desired. Sexually, he is giving and open to what you want. You say you want to feel irresistible and if he takes you aggressively it will make you feel more wanted? Maybe I'm off here but if you say you know how much he loves and desires you why is it so important to you that he be the aggressor? I have read other posts by you so I know sexually speaking he is adventuress with you. The whole being taken thing is about passion. You both seem to have passion for eachother. Does his lack of aggresion equate to lack of love or desire to you? *It seems to be just not in his personality to do so. Not that he can't or shouldn't at least attempt to move outside of his comfort zone sexually and it seems he does try and has not succeeded. Everyone has their limits. *Have there been any improvements in him being the aggressor? I guess what I am having trouble understanding is if you have such a strong and loving emotional and sexual relationship otherwise why is this such a big issue? *You may be pushing him so much that he begins to feel like a failure,like he can not be enough for you sexually.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SA, this is an important point to consider. Everyone has something they can't bring themselves to do or be, no matter how much their partner might want it AND no matter how easy their partner thinks _it should be_ for them to do it. 

It's doesn't sound fair for you to say I really want this and other men do it and it should be easy for H to do it. And it doesn't sound respectful of his personal boundaries. Don't just dismiss his thoughts and feelings and entire personality just because you want this so much. 

And if he can't bring himself to do it, even for you, then, sooner or later, he's going to feel that he isn't good enough for you, and that he is a failure at meeting your needs. You might not mean for it to come across that way, but it's quite possible that's what he'll internalize. 

For him to joke about hypnosis so he could role play for you, sounds like he is telling you he knows he can't be what you want him to be. 

Maybe none of this applies, and if so, feel free to ignore me, but I would be cautious about making him feel inadequate as your lover.


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

Being a male can be a big problem also.Even though me and the wife have sex regularly,I would have a problem giving her this
type of sex.The problem for me is the many times my wife has
said no to sex in the past.I could never just come home and
be forceful.

As a male,I have never refused her and said no.
If you force sex on your wife when she says no,then it is rape,
or seen as violating your wife.

Most respectful married men always need to know for sure
there wife wants to make love.Even if you want us to do
this freely,we have sub conciously been programmed by
society that rough sex is connected to rape.I know
it sounds messed up but,this is how I feel.

The only way I would ever do this role playing act is it would have to be planned for the specific day and time.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



inarut said:


> You say you know you are his world, and he yours. You know you are truly loved and desired. Sexually, he is giving and open to what you want. You say you want to feel irresistible and if he takes you aggressively it will make you feel more wanted? *Maybe I'm off here but if you say you know how much he loves and desires you why is it so important to you that he be the aggressor*?


 Good Questions... and maybe there is something WRONG WITH ME (very likely- we all have something to work on)... why do I keep falling into this hole of WANT ... what is missing...

Can I say the closest I have EVER come to Resenting my husband ...was when I learned HE STUFFED his sexual desire for me in our past, hid this beautiful force from me... I had a whole range of intense emotions learning this... from ANGER....then I cried....and cried some more...--for how it HURT HIM (I was truly remorseful) ...and for what it stole from US.... he didn't even masterbate- waiting for me...yet he'd roll over not wanting to bother me....if he got the slightest notion I might not want it.. (example a book in my hands).... Why did he do this? How did he do [email protected]#$

Now one may THINK I was some rejecting ogre -feeling I had to be...but I'd argue that....I RARELY ever rejected him (except our yrs of infertility where I put his







over his pleasure... I was a bit basket-cased) ...but still -he never had 1 fight with me over his needing more sex...NOT ONE.. .who does this?? It's virtually unheard of.... Plus I always initiated ...I always loved







, even if we were too stupid to talk about it. 

How was I to know... How dare him hide this from me... at times ..when this all wells up inside me.... *I almost WANT HIM TO MAKE UP for those years, I feel our missing each other ROBBED us both.* I was satisfied... but ya know I took him for granted... he was the HIGHER DRIVE for 19 long yrs....why in the world didn't he take the LEAD...arouse me, get creative, try more things, open the sex dialog... Here I was masterbating in the middle of the night sometimes thinking HE wouldn't want woke up!! He was shocked by that, and says ..."Hell, that would be like the house was on fire, that was important!"... well who knew.... 

When I did wake him up (half the time)... he never said... "Hey Baby, why don't you do this more often"!....had he said that just ONCE....I would have never took matters "into my own hands" again... How badly we missed each other... this is how I feel...









So when I came into my PRIME & this mighty wave of LUST & Electricity for ALL THINGS sexual hit me.... I suddenly wanted to experience EVERYTHING I feel we MISSED all those years. 

Maybe I am resenting him still -because he can't make up for it ... Notice, I am  at myself also. But I can't wrap my brain around....how one can be that ON FIRE in the loins and not express it.. I'd freaking explode before I could bottle that up! And I have went out of my way to make up for my blunder. I think I get caught up on COMPARING (again) the lengths I have went to- to turn him on and UP his excitement / arousal - to how he handled me. 

He felt He was doing the right thing NOT bothering me... all the men at work yaking how all women hate sex, he bought into it...In his mind...at least I initiated- where their wives didn't, so he didn't want to rock the boat.. 



> I have read other posts by you so I know sexually speaking he is adventuress with you. The whole being taken thing is about passion. You both seem to have passion for eachother. *Does his lack of aggression equate to lack of love or desire to you*? It seems to be just not in his personality to do so.


 When this started for me...it was like a tidal wave of newness & excitement....HOT novelty coming out of my repressive ways (which I feel could have happened much sooner had he stirred my passions more)... 

I wanted his LUST more than his LOVE...this probably has something to do with Mid Life as well... . I wanted to go back in time something fierce for a time.. I would have these meltdowns... due to wanting to be young again... experience all of these things we didn't DO.. but we DO now.. .but he couldn't keep up with me... we got through that.. and we did it all together. We learned so very much, and his vulnerability with me CAME ALIVE...that has been a treasure. 

Never questioned his







.. never for a day. 



> Not that he can't or shouldn't at least attempt to move outside of his comfort zone sexually and it seems he does try and has not succeeded. Everyone has their limits. *Have there been any improvements in him being the aggressor? *


 Considering his past..Yes...improvements! 

As an ex...BEFORE.... near every night we would watch movies together, my head on his lap... he'd play with my hair..then scratch my back (loved that)....I used to ask him... "can I scratch your back" -he'd always decline...not ONCE did he say to me... "No, but you can scratch here baby" & guide my hand.... I mean, he just DIDN'T go after what he wanted ....he didn't want to be a burden....being a burden to this man would be like burying him or something... in its own way, I am similar.. wouldn't put up with that, but I'd Bi*ch & leave... his way is "stuff and hide". We could not be more opposite..

So now that he knows I want his body night & day, Yeah...he's upped his Initiation, once he worked 16 hours straight, he surprised me coming on to me that night -even though he had to get back up in another 6 hrs...(I was NOT going to bother him!).... *It meant the world to me*.... So yeah he does take the lead.. 



> I guess what I am having trouble understanding is if you have such a strong and loving emotional and sexual relationship otherwise *why is this such a big issue?* You may be pushing him so much that he begins to feel like a failure,like he can not be enough for you sexually.


 It's not a deal breaker, it doesn't affect our happiness except maybe 2 hours every so many months or so.. at the beginning, my hormones were haywire and It was MORE of an issue.. I actually felt I conquered it when my sex drive took a dive... but it reared it's ugly head again.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Maricha75 said:


> I would LOVE for him to drag me into the bedroom once in awhile. That doesn't mean I want him to force his d!ck down my throat or choke me to the point I nearly pass out!


Where is the line? How far do I push it? I'd always be on the side of vinilla/boring as opposed to assault/rape (intentional extremes). Would it still be pleasing with a safe word?


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA - I have enjoyed reading your posts since I joined TAM.

My wife has come a LONG way sexually in past year or so. We went through intensive marriage counseling and sex therapy (mostly to help us deal with our strict Catholic upbringings), and then she went through a major hormone shift shortly thereafter, and WOW, was that ever fun! 

She has maintained her sexually liberated ways, but she still has a very difficut time intitiating. I would say she truly initiates perhaps once every two months. I have a hard time with that, I base a lot of my sexual desirability on her willingness to intitate, and she just can't do it very often at all.

I did tell her for my upcoming birthday I wanted to do a role play where I "pick her up" at an upscale singles bar. She totally refused at first, but I have kept at it, and she seems like now she might be up for it, but I will believe it when she actually does it.

I would suggest that your husband get his testotsterone checked, you can go online and order a blood test for $60 or so. If that is OK, have a talk with him about how important it is for him to be dominant with you. If his T is low, have him get T therapy and then talk to him about your desires.

You could also suggest going to see a therapist, that could help him overcome his "nice guy" tendencies if he could truly be made to understand what this means to you.

During our therapy, the doctor explained to my wife multiple times that sex wasn't just me trying to "get off", it was my way of expressing my deepest love for her. Once she understood this, things really changed for the better in our marriage. We are both 50, married 25 years this year.

Good luck!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Jack29 said:


> I believe you're being a bit whiny. Its ok that you should ask for what you want but after all if one already gives his/her best in bed the other partner should be understanding about it. People more often than not ask for far too many things in bed, probably because they're influenced by what they hear/see/watch on porn but they forget to count the blessings they already have.


 I am very grateful for what we share (31 yrs together if you go back to our teens).... I figured my little emotional what ever it is.. was worth a thread...Why not... Feedback can be enlightening......

No, not complaining too much... am I too expressive when I get upset... YES.. I CAN BE... Not sure how to Tame this effectively...I know me well...If I can't express how I am feeling...it will take a hit on me...and *not* in a good way...it will affect my moods...which will in turn affect our whole house... we have alot of kids.... I have to work it out, and find peace with whatever ails me.. .and until it is found...likely it will keep coming to the surface....



> I've been with women who have not let me do them doggy or have not felt like giving me oral because they weren't comfortable and id be an ungrateful basterd if i whine about it.


 Well I have a different perspective on this.. I was uncomfortable with oral too - at one time....even told him I thought all di*ks were "Homely" -- God I know how to put my foot in my mouth! So because of that masterful verbal slip of mine... he never asked me for a BJ... NEVER...so I didn't really think about it !

But he stuffed ! I'd give anything for him to have whined, complained & moaned over that... *to alert my attention*....He is a GOOD MAN - would do anything for me/ our kids... I'd want *his* happiness....to resolve what was bothering him..... I am not one who shuts down another's feelings without taking the time to *understand them*....even if they are HARSH... vile... in your face.. (I realize this is not the norm)

Had I understood how badly he would have enjoyed this act...had I taken the time to read, learn, push my comfort zone....caring for HIS needs... I believe I would have overcome that hurdle MUCH sooner in our marriage... OH YES!! I don't mind conflict.. it if leads to understanding & resolution...this is very healthy...needed. 

Obviously I want the best for my marriage... writing all of this out is "therapy".. My husband, as unsettling as it may be at times...would not want me to stuff either.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "RO*



LoriC said:


> I would be happy to share with you! Sounds to me like your husband is almost exactly like mine,
> *real nice guy always does the right thing,* etc....
> 
> Grew up in the suburbs, family of four, mom never worked or drove a car. Catholic upbringing. * His temperament is that he is a very laid back guy doesn't get angry too easily. All he wants to do is please me. * I will be 44 in a few months. He is 52.
> ...


Thank you for sharing LoriC !







Everything I highlighted in blue *IS* my husband...he's also commented on this *mutual* thing... not using that word ...something like ..."Well what's wrong with us just both loving on each other"... I know he feels his "Receptiveness" and TAME initiation should be enough...

He's also said he's never cared for "The Chase"...like many men get off on that....it Ups their ALPHA to win their prey.... his fantasies would be more geared -*with the women chasing him*!! Well he gets his FILL with me !! ha ha 

I'd bet they have the same temperament...My husband is this >>ISFJ Profile
It starts with his nature to be NEEDED....a born Pleaser. 

And what you say about yourself here hitting your peak.. ALL ME too ! That's a little crazy... Your husband being 8 yrs older... oh my...Men slow down as they age, that Sweet Test goes little by little. Hope yours is holding up good !! Then there is







So happy to live today!

Good Luck with that dragging with the hair, can't see mine doing that unless it was a wig ! One poster on here (STONEWALL)...I call him my husband's twin, all of his posts are SO HIM.... he was like this too, then started Testosterone Treatment and only then was he able to BE more aggressive with his wife, I recall a post he did like that. Interesting.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



CharlieParker said:


> Where is the line? How far do I push it? I'd always be on the side of vinilla/boring as opposed to assault/rape (intentional extremes). Would it still be pleasing with a safe word?


This got me laughing, well with ME.. I've pinned his arms down growing at him telling him what I wanted him to do to me ......
I've had fights telling him to be more of a "Son of a Bi*ch" in bed...







.... as you can imagine, some of our fights are pretty darn funny....

(Believers don't hold this one against me...) Once I was telling him he was boring.... that time he pinned me down...(I was lovin that )... he looked me in the eyes and says... "If you call me boring one more time, I'm gonna turn into a Christian!".... I was like... "







I sure don't want that [email protected]#$" (this by no means = disrespect but it would mean no more Porn, and we like Porn!)..... He shut me up with that comment & got me :rofl: so hard... then we went at it... 

Our fights can be hilarious, even though we cut on each other.... Charlie >> If the woman is growling / really upset in saying she wants these things... .give it to her!!


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> For all familiar with my posts..I often gush about my husband & I mean every word.... I speak from the
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Some of the things you say about yourself and your H are such a mirror image of me and ECG its unreal. Of course you already know this. That being saidl back to your problem. I am the same way. And I agree with Tacoma. We were raised to treat you like a princess (ya'll do make that hard sometimes) and when that has been ingrained in you from about 3 years old it is hard to undo even briefly.

Here is were our paralleled lives part. While I am still exactly like him; I have learned to engage my fantasies. All I need to know is that she is turned on by them. Not that she will tolerate them for my sake but is turned on by them. If she is not then it will be an unrealized fantasy. I am not even interested in doing it then. It either works for both of us or it doesn't work at all. At least as far as my fantasy goes. As for hers if it does not turn me on I will be glad to act like it does to satisfy her though. Its just the way I am.

I find that most of my fantasies revolve around the opposite of what I am really like, in other words a variety of rough stuff but I won't get to graphic here. I have lightly bounced the idea off of her and get a response that lets me know she is ok with it but I simply can't bring myself to act on it without knowing she is really into it and then I would have to know the parameters of that. We were raised in the bible belt wherein the rivers of sexual repression run deep. That makes it hard to break out of. 

Have you spelled out specifically what you want in detail? It may be that he is like me and needs to know those specific boundaries in order to feel safe doing it. I know you have told him to be more of an SOB but I would have to know what exactly that means.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

For the low testosterone, there are pills and creams to boost it, but there are also foods that will help too, as will physical exercise.

I know the more I work out, the hornier I am, lasting a day or two afterward.

Pomegranate juice I think is one of those foods, you should do some googling and then maybe add them to your diet. Of course cooking it while wearing nothing but heels couldn't hurt.

It occurs to me that there is almost a need for a set of training videos done by hot , and on the surface, vanilla looking women who educate men on being more dominant in bed. Basically a training to Dom or take your wife for idiots, but taught be believable women who sincerely enjoy this type of rougher take me sex.

Just like men want their wife to turn onto a sex crazed slvt in the bedroom, you want your guy to turn into a strong sex crazed cave man in yours.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



keeper63 said:


> I would suggest that your husband get his testotsterone checked, you can go online and order a blood test for $60 or so. If that is OK, have a talk with him about how important it is for him to be dominant with you. If his T is low, have him get T therapy and then talk to him about your desires.


Been there, done that.. his levels fall in the normal range (Normal being 300 - 1100-ish depending on the Lab)...4 yrs ago...he had 9 morning Tests... his levels for a mid 40's man - the Endocrinologist said was NORMAL for man in their 60's (then added he may need Treatment in his future)....that comment of hers bothered me for MONTHS... which I of course *questioned his Desire* because of it....

After all....TESTOSTERONE is the Hormone of DESIRE.... 

Then I started reading everything on Testosterone, got a couple books....come to learn >> for some men, they have lower #'s all of their lives...and this is NORMAL for them.....and its perfectly OK... I believe my husband falls into this category, because he was just never into sports / never aggressive about anything...it just makes sense really. But he is not falling asleep after work , or having brain fog and our sex life was humming 4-6 times a week for years...

He just had another Test 2 months ago (suggested it for his Physical)..his # was higher than all his previous results, we were pretty happy about that...So he's good. Not eligible. 



> You could also suggest going to see a therapist, that could help him overcome his "nice guy" tendencies if he could truly be made to understand what this means to you.


 Hearing something explained by another sometimes can help get a new perspective.... I can't say I feel it's that big of an dilemma to go to those lengths though - I am likely just being too critical and somehow need to get the hell over it... Like I said in a previous post, it was more of an issue when I was very high drive...which landed me here on TAM .... now that this has calmed, it's like an argument every 4 months for an hour or 2... after that, it is high praise, appreciation & all things  ...he would say the same. 



> During our therapy, the doctor explained to my wife multiple times that sex wasn't just me trying to "get off", it was my way of expressing my deepest love for her. Once she understood this, things really changed for the better in our marriage. We are both 50, married 25 years this year.


 What you say reminds me of how my eyes were opened ...to the emotional aspect reading ...  Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships ... though I can't say I have ever felt like your wife... we hear this a lot on this forum. 




> * Stonewall said*: As for hers if it does not turn me on *I will be glad to act like it does to satisfy her though.* Its just the way I am.


 This is really all I am asking ...ya know... and this is why I get hung up on it...



> *I find that most of my fantasies revolve around the opposite of what I am really like, in other words a variety of rough stuff but I won't get to graphic here*.


 OH Stonewall... the Twin separates... this is NOT my husband at all.. his fantasies are very TAME... Too tame in fact... women coming after him..ha ha 



> I have lightly bounced the idea off of her and get a response that lets me know she is ok with it but I simply can't bring myself to act on it without knowing she is really into it and then I would have to know the parameters of that.


He would BE this way also, but he knows I am up for ANYTHING/ EVERYTHING...and he can ask/ suggest/ say anything to me... One thing he said, if I shared on here, others would find it disrespectful to me (about another women).. I wasn't upset at all - I was thrilled he opened up like that !! I think it's a shame when couples can't freely express this stuff. 



> Have you spelled out specifically what you want in detail?


 Stonewall.. are you serious... if there is one thing that can be said about ME...it's that I don't miss a beat in expressing what I want... Ha ha The "SOB" comments were just ragging on him cause he is too "tame"...I hardly fear for him to go too far.. It just wouldn't happen, another reason him reading MMSL book or NMMNG would never be an issue for us...(which some women can not understand).


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

*Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "RO*

I think this is a red herring. My clue is this doesn't bother you all the time just every few months ergo your husband isn't the problem. Something else is tripping it and if you can get to the source you can fix it without making your awesome husband be the fall guy.


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

^^ Dude - I have to respectfullly disagree with the anal sex analogy. First of all, many of the females here on TAM who are not in favor of anal sex feel that way because they find the act physically painful or at the least uncomfortable.

What we are talking about is at its core an unwillingness to behave a certain way sexually, which is likely based on personality, cultural conditioning, or religious belief/upbringing.

I recently told my wife I would be up for ANYTHING she wanted to do sexually (outside of inviting another person into out sex life), and I mean ANYTHING (even gross or potentially uncomfortable stuff). I don't believe she is quite as comitted as I am in this regard. But she might surprise me, which would be awesome!


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

What Stonewall said about how he would do a particular act and would happily pretend to like it even if he didn't is really enjoy it the right sprirt, and exactly how I feel about sex with my wife.

I do think that type of outlook has it's practical limits. If my wife really enjoyed something that I didn't really enjoy, and she insisted on having me particpate in it all the time, it would get old, just like anything else. I would eventually resent it.

Doing it occasionally would be fine, though. SA, I think that all you are asking is for your H to step outside his comfort zone from time to time, and I think your desire for this is perfectly normal and not whiny.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

All I can tell you SA, is that it's possible. I know, because I did it.

Easiest place I started with, and was admittedly terrified right up to the point where she threw her head back and screamed (in pleasure), is hair pulling.

Part of my personal journey was to purposely step outside my comfort zone, with regards to lots of things. Sex not being least amongst them. There is a difference between what you are comfortable with, and what is a boundary. For instance ... I would still NEVER bring a 3rd party into the bedroom. You may want to try and determine which category your husbands lack of aggression falls into.

Consequently I have found that I most certainly 'like' rough sex and dirty talk. And so has every partner I've had since my D, to varying degrees.

Prior to that I was very nervous about hurting a woman or being disrespectful. I NEVER imagined that rough sex was for her benefit and to a woman's liking. Boy was I wrong.

I'll also chime in on the testosterone thing. It's difficult for me to objectively state if I have become more aggressive on HRT. I don't think so ...
But, I can tell you, that although my total T has gone from just under 300 to generally over 800 or pushing 1000, there has been virtually NO change in my sex drive.

The hormone thing can be a very mixed bag.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

Still remember when I was a child in preschool I bit a girl lol - caused tons of drama and I was conditioned to never hurt a woman again (for a time), especially biting!

Then I met my first girlfriend, who was a violent sort, and DRILLED the conditioning out of me - she fought like a man! So hey, I had to defend myself whenever she exploded heh - a good fighter too. We also ventured into bloodplay (including biting heh), we were both nuts. Since then I guess I always had a gentlemanly side that yet could switch to beast at any moment - was intimidating however for some other women in the past =/

With my STBXW and I, she loved my rough side back in the day but even she had her limits; no bloodplay or real violence either than wrestling/grappling. She tamed me abit, until she decided to tease me of course which was one way how my animalistic side was triggered. The easier way however to trigger angry sex was "foreplay" in the form of fights, sometimes over simple BS that can be easily forgotten. Other times... serious matters, which just ended up with sex sweeping the situation under the rug to deal with another day. The thing about it too is that we had spoiled ourselves to the point that we couldn't really roleplay it; the anger had to be authentic - which added to our marital toxicity.

Anyways SA, my first girlfriend really put me through a sexual boot camp (I was a virgin too before I met her) which defined for me how sex should be like. For you it's going to be harder since the "boot camp" stage is long over, but it's still possible - just requires alot of communication, patience, and persistence.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Big Dude said:


> Several posters have pointed out that both his personality and sexual conditioning may play a role in his reluctance. I came of age in the 70's, when young men were literally bombarded with the message that women were not to be objectified EVER. That sexual behaviors of the past were unenlightened and barbaric. That the definition of rape was broadened almost to the point that any sexual encounter later regretted by the woman amounted to sexual assault. So to be uncomfortable with asserting himself sexually and forcefully is a valid reality for some men.


 And many men from all generations since the dawn of time...regardless of teachings... the desire for a woman overtook their minds & they found themselves getting caught up in a fury of Passion- with their hands all over her expressing what they want... This is pretty normal stuff regardless of what you were taught. You might feel bad after it happens but in that moment.. you don't!

Maybe the term "ROUGH" in my heading is misleading ~ giving a wrong impression....not sure what I seek should be labeled as such....it's more an overt outward showing of passionate WANT... some physical display - with a little verbal that a woman is deeply desired/ needed sexually & hotly wanted...it's very Romantic really. 

As far as *EMOTIONS* go (







- not LUST).. I couldn't ask for me - strangely. He wears his







on his sleeve, this part comes EASY for him... He may not say much...but when he does, he can blow me away. 

Does this really make me some kind of an OGRE to want some of this LUSTY stuff from my man? 
A little OVERT, shaking it up..... Sometimes when I start feeling this way....I am tempted to







and act "colder" to him.. *but I can't do it*... so instead I cause a fuss.. He would surely feel Less loved if I backed away (the hit would be way harder)...withholding who I am & what I want...over my unruly mouth in these moments. He can handle me. 

Might have to get him to post ~ to give his view. 



> *Mavash said*: I think this is a red herring. My clue is this doesn't bother you all the time just every few months ergo your husband isn't the problem. Something else is tripping it and if you can get to the source you can fix it without making your awesome husband be the fall guy.


 Post #32  HERE  will explain my very emotional journey in coming to grips with what I feel we lost...which it seems - keeps me hung up somehow.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Deejo said:


> All I can tell you SA, is that it's possible. I know, because I did it.
> 
> Easiest place I started with, and was admittedly terrified right up to the point where she threw her head back and screamed (in pleasure), is hair pulling.
> 
> ...


My actions are not more aggressive for the reasons I stated previously. However since going from about 100 to 800 I find my fantasies and desires are much more aggressive. I have much more of a desire to dominate and get much rougher but I can't figure out exactly where she is with this and I can't open the flood gates without knowing what shes into. All she would have to do is let me know what turns her on in that respect and give me her boundaries and "game on"!!!!


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Maybe the term "ROUGH" in my heading is misleading.


You do say "can not" rather than "will not". If that's truly case are you trying to change him?

I've tried with my wife but getting the balance right is hard. One time I guess I went too far (in plausibility terms) and she had to say "stop, that's just not who you are", and we had a good laugh.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Shaggy said:


> For the low testosterone, there are pills and creams to boost it, but there are also foods that will help too, as will physical exercise.
> 
> *I know the more I work out, the hornier I am*, lasting a day or two afterward.


 We did the work out thing for a time.... "Buns of Envy" workouts...(Hot women -trying to keep him entertained)... he did some weights, we couldn't tell a bit of difference in his drive. I am not sure it would EVEN matter... As His Past...so horny but put a lid on it before me... .and even NOW.. like yesterday, yeah he pulled me upstairs, he was ready to explode for 10 minutes hanging on...Very HOT.. but he's still very contained outwardly you might say ....what I am trying to UP here... 



> Pomegranate juice I think is one of those foods, you should do some googling and then maybe add them to your diet. *Of course cooking it while wearing nothing but heels couldn't hurt*.


Haven't done the Pomegranate juice, but I have a good time wearing those heels cooking breakfast -once those kids are out the door..It does UP the mood...he is very Receptive. This is me taking the initiative lead again though. 



> It occurs to me that there is almost a need for a set of training videos done by hot , and on the surface, vanilla looking women who educate men on being more dominant in bed. Basically a training to Dom or "take your wife" for idiots, but taught be believable women who sincerely enjoy this type of rougher take me sex.


 Oh that's GOOD... a "*TAKE YOUR WIFE*"







.. I'd buy that in a heartbeat! ha ha 



> Just like men want their wife to turn onto a sex crazed slvt in the bedroom, you want your guy to turn into a strong sex crazed cave man in yours.


 Absolutely ...you "get" where I am coming from...the Gentlemen needs to be left at the door (sometimes anyway!)....I use this example many times on this forum....



> *CharlieParker said* : You do say "*can not*" rather than "*will not*". If that's truly the case are you trying to change him?


 He wants to *do *and *be* anything I want...he always says this.. I believe he means it... so it's not a "WILL not"...yeah...more a "Struggle to do " situation = can not. 

Yes, I would like him to be changed here...this is just being honest. I would be lying to say otherwise... but the good news is... there is virtually nothing else in this world I WOULD change about him (& he knows it)....so that's not too awful bad- is it ? Well.. he could be more verbal...and read more. That's it. He is nearly a perfect match for me. 

Just as he would have loved ME being "this way" -(even with my racy hormones causing an uproar now & then)...in our early years.. no crime in admitting that. The other night when I went to bed a little upset... he made a comment that he was happy that my hormones are still pumping good. He wouldn't change me too much -even if this thread is making me look bad. 



> I've *tried* with my wife but getting the balance right is hard. One time I guess I went too far (in plausibility terms) and she had to say "stop, that's just not who you are", *and we had a good laugh*


 But you tried







...and you got a good laugh out of it. That's great ! I gotta be honest here... our fights have brought us more laughter than anything we can even think of .... so really... I think a couple can still be very close & loving amidst such conflicts.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Deejo said:


> All I can tell you SA, is that it's possible. I know, because I did it.


 Successes are wonderful to hear !! :smthumbup:



> You may want to try and determine *which category* your husbands lack of aggression falls into.


 Not sure what you mean exactly - can you elaborate ? 



> Consequently I have found that I most certainly 'like' rough sex *and dirty talk*. And so has every partner I've had since my D, to varying degrees.


 Of course they do !! Its showing that







desire again.... I would *LOVE* more Dirty talk.. .this is also a struggle for him.. once I was going on about his being "too quiet" ....he shut me up by saying...."*My touch should be worth a thousand words*"... Couldn't deny that one...he's got a gift in some ways......But still, who doesn't want some seductive Dirty talk along with it - that icing on the cake [email protected]#$% 

THIS could be another small piece of the puzzle for me...WHY I want what I want... because he *is* so QUIET in bed/ in arousing.... that His showing OVERT LUST somehow will make up for this. He would go to his grave with purely silent Sex... 

Back in the day...I have even fallen asleep on him during foreplay due to this... probably explains why my mind was screaming "Ewe how could he stand that" during oral ....Had he verbally foreplayed me up with some Timely dirty talk... expressing how MUCH he loved going there/ what it does for him (would have calmed me -convincing me somehow that ..."DAMN he really wants that" !!!)... 

I make up for these things... *I DIRTY talk*....not long ago he told me I should work for a sex hotline.. so I get into ...of course he loves that! 

I helped him overcome some "performance anxiety" with this...so I KNOW how it *UP*s a little more than just some Passion. He'll respond ...but again...it is ME who starts... Yes, I can Live with this..because I "get him going".... but yet...can't help but wish he'd throw me a bone once in a while. It's happened...and I've praised to the high heavens, but it's on the rare side. 



> I'll also chime in on the testosterone thing. It's difficult for me to objectively state if I have become more aggressive on HRT. I don't think so ...
> But, I can tell you, that although my total T has gone from just under 300 to generally over 800 or pushing 1000, there has been virtually NO change in my sex drive.


 Kinda crazy....not the general story...then to hear *Stonewall *say this..." However since going from about 100 to 800 I find my fantasies and desires are much more aggressive. I have much more of a desire to dominate and get much rougher". 

Interesting -I guess you just never know with these things! You obviously never lost your DESIRE then Deejo - which is great ! 



> *RandomDude said*: Anyways SA, my first girlfriend really put me through a sexual boot camp (I was a virgin too before I met her) which defined for me how sex should be like. For you it's going to be harder since the "boot camp" stage is long over, but it's still possible - *just requires alot of communication, patience, and persistence*.










Random Dude for your story .... I got the communication in spades, I even have a determined persistence ...Patience... could use a little more of that at times.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA: Since I am somewhat in the mold of your better-half, I thought about commenting on this, internally declined, thought about PM'ing you, relented, and then after giving it some more thought, came back to it, greatly wanting to do so!

First off, you and your husband, in my mind's eye, are just super-great, caring, and most-loving Christian people. He doesn't know how lucky that the two of you are to have each other. From the standpoint of the old saying that "opposite's attract," I greatly think that you two meet that mantra.

I know that in my relationship with my STBXW, she was the one who was, much more often than not, the sexually assertive one. She was into role playing and fantasy, which I considered to be too extreme for the likes of my Southern Christian upbringing. I was brought up to respect women, and to love them in the way like I perceived that they wanted to be loved; slowly, softly, and tenderly.

In my first marriage, I was much more assertive sexually because I had to be. That woman started off great, but repressed herself in favor of moving up the corporate ladder and then finding out that advancement therein was greatly enhanced by sleeping with the higher-up "powers that be!"
End of 1st marriage!

Rethinking that my approach in the first marriage was somewhat skewed, I entered the second largely afraid to make an overt move~ which my STBXW seemed to have no problem with. She had enough sexual energy in her for the both of us. With her, I think it was a novelty~ she loved it that way. She absolutely loved "rough sex"~ I was the more slow and deliberate type. Orally, she wanted to FF'd hard~ which just wasn't my forte because it just seemed to be moreso done out of a purely carnal nature, instead of the soft, heartfelt way that I had thought it should be. But I performed as requested and she seemingly loved it. In essence, I was more in tune with placing my energy in pleasing her sexually the way that I thought she should be treated rather than in pleasing her the way she wanted to be. But that's largely just the way that I am!

Several times she just came on to me unsolicited that just blew my doors off. I was temporarily living out of town with my oldest son once when she showed up in our town about mid-afternoon at the house. Kissing me passionately upon my having opened the front door, she immediately started ripping my Docker's off and just "going to town," virtually right there in the doorway foyer. Politely shunning her away, I was just way too fearful that my son would return home from school at any time and catch us in the act thus allowing those fearful actions of mine to just get in the way.

Another time, she was given a pro football helmet as a gift and she called me to bedroom and was laid out spread-eagle on the bed with nothing but the helmet, one of my football officiating shirts and told me to come to bed "to officiate" because she felt like that if I didn't, that she might well end up having to play "dirty." I thought that that was totally ridiculous because as a sports official, the last person on Earth that I would ever be be sexually attracted to would be a football player or another official.

She initially got mad both times but never really complained and sex was then largely on my terms in the traditional fashion. If it was a problem, it never got brought up at any of our MC sessions. I truly wish that it would have been. 

For me sex has been something of a loving, caring, nuturing nature, with me placing my mates pleasure first and foremost, much to the degree that I, working out of fear, just place my feelings second, always wanting her to think of me as the thoughtful loving guy and not some self-serving lustful lout.

In retrospect, that could have been the underlying reason that she was not being sexually or emotionally fulfilled which caused her to stray for other men "friends" who might come meet that prerequisite for her. I just hope that in time, I'll get another chance to be more pro-active than I've historically been in this arena. But for me to do so, there will have to be a heartfelt element of commitment, respect and love. But I can only pray that, in that time, that it does come to happen!

Back to you, SA~ you are such a super good lady and I feel that the two of you are so very good for each other, despite any of your perceived shortcomings. Communication is the total key here! Just continue to work with him, and let him know that it's OK to at least turn loose once in a great while and occasionally be the "bad boy" that you might occasionally champion. If he still continues to have problems, there's also counseling in that area that can help out immeasurably.

In my time here at TAM, you two have been one of the many true gauges and benchmarks that I have measured what married, committed love is really all about. And I'm greatly praying that your success in overcoming and cirumventing this problem greatly comes to fruition!


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

Some of us are wolves and some of us are sheepdogs.

I grew up with a gang of substantially younger sisters and am stricken with 'Big brother' syndrome to an extraordinary degree.

If my wife wanted it that way, it would be truly unfortunate, because it's flat not going to happen. Ever.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> And many men from all generations since the dawn of time...regardless of teachings... the desire for a woman overtook their minds & they found themselves getting caught up in a fury of Passion- with their hands all over her expressing what they want... NThis is pretty normal stuff regardless of what you were taught. You might feel bad after it happens but in that moment.. you don't!
> 
> Maybe the term "ROUGH" in my heading is misleading ~ giving a wrong impression....not sure what I seek should be labeled as such....it's more an overt outward showing of passionate WANT... some physical display - with a little verbal that a woman is deeply desired/ needed sexually & hotly wanted...it's very Romantic really.
> 
> ...


I tend to agree with mavash. You seem obsessed with what you feel was " lost." Why is that the focus if what you have now is so strong. Although, not exactly how you want it. Unless, and I hate to say it.. things are not so rosey as you make them out to be? I'm not saying its some big, deal breaker issue. But recurring issues, which you say it is every few months, it keeps building until you explode. That needs to be explored. You need to get to the bottom of this. Its not as if he isn't loving or being receptive to what you bring sexually. He just can't seem to lead or initiate it on his own. Is this how you feel in other aspects of your relationship or is it more on the sexual front? Meaning, leading and taking stands outside your sexual relationship, not just deferring to you when something is important to him. Does he even let you know what is important to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Well I have a different perspective on this.. I was uncomfortable with oral too - at one time....even told him I thought all di*ks were "Homely" -- God I know how to put my foot in my mouth! *So because of that masterful verbal slip of mine... he never asked me for a BJ... NEVER...so I didn't really think about it !*
> 
> *But he stuffed* ! * I'd give anything for him to have whined, complained & moaned over that... to alert my attention.*...


This is why, in my earlier post, I cautioned about making him feel inadequate as your lover, about making him feel he isn't good enough and can't meet your needs.

He "stuffs" and he doesn't complain, he internalizes your complaints and words (like about homely penises), and he wants more than anything to please you. 

He might be internalizing and might not be alerting your attention by telling you how you're making him feel every time you tell him he's not aggressive enough with you. 

This can build over time, and he might end up feeling hurt and rejected for the man he actually is sexually.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

yourQUOTE=norajane;1537885]This is why, in my earlier post, I cautioned about making him feel inadequate as your lover, about making him feel he isn't good enough and can't meet your needs.

He "stuffs" and he doesn't complain, he internalizes your complaints and words (like about homely penises), and he wants more than anything to please you. 

He might be internalizing and might not be alerting your attention by telling you how you're making him feel every time you tell him he's not aggressive enough with you. 

This can build over time, and he might end up feeling hurt and rejected for the man he actually is sexually.[/QUOTE

I agree. And this will only make him more uncomfortable, question himself more which results in more inhibition. Its too much pressure to perform in the way you want which is against his nature.. no matter what blocks he has or where they may come from they don't change overnight. When you say he "should" as a man be ok with what you are wanting and he is not able to you're telling him.....you're not a real man....its emasculating. 

That's not to say what you want is wrong in any way...nor is your intention to make him feel like less of a man..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

Norajane has a good point, I had alot of sexual anxiety with my first girlfriend and that was the reason it took so long despite my relatively fresh mindset when it came to first-time sex. She complained alot, taunted me to be a man but what she wanted went against everything I learnt especially after my preschool incident.

In addition, you know as well fast forward to my STBXW her high drive and constant complaints in addition to some mates saying "pleasure her better then she wouldn't nag you about it all the time" added to my insecurity even though at this point it wasn't to do with rough sex - just the frequency.

Regardless both situations led me to feel inadequate and diminished my desire for sex - let alone rough sex. With my first I manned up only after several cases of violence with her - I had to fight back physically, and after a while rough sex became norm. But obviously you can't use this approach nor is it recommended - as many men would not appreciate violent women and she ran the risk of losing me.

For a healthier approach, have you tried wrestling with him?


----------



## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



inarut said:


> I agree. And this will only make him more uncomfortable, question himself more which results in more inhibition. Its too much pressure to perform in the way you want which is against his nature.. no matter what blocks he has or where they may come from they don't change overnight. When you say he "should" as a man be ok with what you are wanting and he is not able to you're telling him.....you're not a real man....
> 
> That's not to say what you want is wrong in any way....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Everything my wife does is intense. This includes when she gets irritated. With her words she has made me feel like I couldn't please her that I am not enough. But I still wouldn't change who she is because it doesn't happen very often, I can live with that. 

What we have is so beautiful the majority of the time, it's like our driveway, we have a nice peice of land hard to get in and out in the winter, it is perfect all summer long, then I have a few bad days getting in and out, have to salt it, scrape it. That's my wife, she's worth it. 

I'm not perfect, I've said things I needed to apologize for, she just does it more.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

=O Mr. SA!

So what's your take on all this?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



RandomDude said:


> =O Mr. SA!
> 
> So what's your take on all this?


 He is sleeping now...We talked about some of these replies earlier... I asked him to post on here....As much as I realize the last couple posts to be TRUE...and it damns me basically... Yeah...I've done that.. not meaning to hurt him, I would never want this....but I have... so shame on me.  It is good to see it in black & white telling me what for. I deserve that. 

Not sure his little analogy came out making much sense.... we have our own "Garden on Eden" where we live.... many acres, 750 ft off the road...private Heaven, although people envy where we live, they don't envy our driveway, getting in & out, it is hilly, bendy and with a little ice -can be a hazard....he's wrecked his Plow in it once...can be a pain in the kisser at times...Yeah that can be ME when I have a bad day basically...and I allow myself to run with something.....but living here has been our dream come true, we'll happily deal with the driveway! This is how he feels... I laughed when he said this to me earlier... cause it was kinda "fitting". 

What else do you want to know Random Dude? Pick his brain. I doubt he'll say much but I can elaborate on it. We really do talk & share everything... we had a good







to







tonight about all of this....as we always do... our fights are very minimal (even if it may not seem so on this thread)....he even commented on how very long it has been since the last. 

2 things seem to rise this in me... PMS and reading some posts on TAM about men who TAKE their wives... yeah... I'd have to agree. As I started to reply to one the other night saying.... "I wish my husband would do that" - but deleted it -so the seed was in my head... then he worked over time one night, too tired the next night after being out, just too long with no NEED on his end for me... yeah..I start taking it personal. Had I had sex one of those nights with his coming on to me, THIS THREAD WOULD NOT EXIST- even if he didn't do a thing dominate to me. 

Also I asked if he *stuffs* anything these days... even when I do get out of sorts with him... he told me NO... which I already knew this... it's too evident in how we get along... there is an undeniable connection that thrives daily. 

So it hasn't been his way for 4 yrs now...He knows I want him to hold NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING back from me.. I see no value at all in hiding how you feel ...I may be a little over the top in that... but if we can't say to each other what is going on inside.... it's going to steal from the relationship in another way... 

Although I can get carried away saying MORE than I need to in my irritated moments...he still doesn't want me to stuff my feelings... We both know this doesn't go over well. Could I change how I deal with my irritated moments....YES, I can. 



He asked me to write out these THINGS that I would LOVE for him to Do... ..We talked once about a "SPICE Jar"







... putting little snippets of ideas on paper, and he can pull one out & read it now & then... and Do on me...surprise me ...yeah... but I never took the time to throw it together.....so now seems the time. 



inarut said:


> I tend to agree with mavash. You seem obsessed with what you feel was " lost." Why is that thet focus if what you have now is so strong. Although, not exactly how you want it. Unless, and I hate to say it.. things are not so rosey as you make them out to be? I'm not saying its some big, deal breaker issue. But recurring issues, which you say it is every few months, it keeps building until you explode. It need to be explored. You need to get to the bottom of this.


 I can't say it "builds" to exploding...because it is a pure afterthought months at a time, not something I feel I am suppressing....I feel on the clouds most of the time, very grateful... Noone makes me light up like he does. I mentioned in my opening post, when I am PMSing, the brain tends to get on a hamster wheel (even science can prove this).... I never had this till my 40's... I think in Mid life -some of these changes can wreak a little havoc. 

Like HE said....I can be INTENSE... this is true... no matter the emotion.. it's in my temperament make up -being a Chol/Mel....I love hard, you could say I obsesses hard... I WANT & desire hard.. but I also GIVE damn hard too... 

Also I tend to be *very hard* on myself for my mistakes...I don't like regrets.....I have always felt we had the marriage to die for...he's told me even then it was GOOD.. but yeah...to think it could have been better for him, for us...it was a blow...learning these things. 

One could say my zeal for posting on this forum was born out of my knowing I cant get our past back ....but if I could speak, express to others to NOT make these stupid mistakes, it would somehow make up for it...to open up about our fantasies sooner, for Good men like mine to NOT be so passive (I have a hard time believing my husband is the norm, not many men like him around)... I still get angry with myself, a little choked up...

Now that I have come to realize how Joyous & Exciting being fully open sexually is ... yeah.. I crave a little more ... This is surely NOT uncommon for middle aged women...the fact I have bore my heart & soul to my husband, in unearthing where we missed it...where I Fvk'd up...in tears... to the point of spoiling this man --believe me I have put him in Heaven... going out of my way to learn more of him, to inspire our relationship....to be at his beck & call - to make up for what I lacked in our past... this speaks for something. We have both enjoyed the fruits of this.



> *norajane said*: He "stuffs" and he doesn't complain, he internalizes your complaints and words (like about homely penises), and he wants more than anything to please you.


 One thing I want to say about this comment many years ago now.... this was not a fight at all, it wasn't even personal, we were just talking, and I must have rambled about how God made the male ..well.. not so becoming down there.. Yeah, it was FVCKING stupid... slap me...:slap: I was repressed & ignorant ! 

I Freaking worship this part of his anatomy now... we've laughed about this many times since...yes, him too. 

We have climbed a very needed mountain together in the sexual ...these have been our best years yet, even with my wanting a little more.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

I'm curious what stops him really, is it conditioning? How he was raised, etc etc.

I'm glad though that for you two this is a minor "fight", for cases such as this my wife and I by comparison are incredibly fudged. Wish she was even half as understanding as you then I wouldn't have to divorce her heh

Despite this though, I'll have to be honest at least with my experience with my wife; the rough sex that you described which you desire is not something that can be discussed, or arranged, or roleplayed, it thrives on spontaneity... and sometimes; competition.

Also, it's also not a common occurence for me to take my wife like that (probably why she started fights from time to time), the spontaneity is still triggered, and most of time; its triggered by an insane tease or sexual withdrawal (or both). In other words; this side of me only awakens when my sexual desire is "bottlenecked" so to speak, hence frequent routine sex with my wife diminished my desire for it - another problem.

As for competition, the ripping, the biting, the struggles, the wrestles, these are triggered at times when there's still anger present after a fight during make up sex. Healthier rough sex in this way can also be triggered by games; wrestling for instance -> it does build up healthy aggression when you're wrestling with someone. Hence I suggested it.

It may seem torture to withdraw from sex just to build up sexual tension with your husband and vice versa but that's just how it works. Unfortunately it's something my wife/STBXW will never understand, or perhaps she does, but doesn't want to accept it.

For us men, our brain and our penis have minds of our own. One can't work with the other, so you two can start discussing rough sex but that will just ruin it - at least for a time. Lay down a seed of thought and see what happens, and furthermore, allow his penis to think instead of his brain. And the only way to do this is to get him "bottlenecked" - well, at least for me anyways, and I'm sure for many other men. Unfortunately, my wife being always readily available for sex prevented these bottlenecks from happening. It's sad, I know, but just how it tis.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA, I'm really sorry if my posts made you feel damned, or like there is something wrong with you, your desires or your relationship. It wasn't my intention or even what I think. Its obvious you have something great and I admire your approach and comittment to making your relationship as wonderful as it can be. I didn't mean any of it as an attack on or critisism of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



RandomDude said:


> I'm curious what stops him really, is it conditioning? How he was raised, etc etc.


 I am going to say *TEMPERAMENT* above all... He has the same Temperament as Mother Teresa, imagine her as a "Seductress" for instance... His Father was also a very Tame man... didn't raise his voice much at all, would do anything for everyone, even his Mother was pretty sweet, double whammy there.. ON my side, I have some "tempers" in my family.. so yeah.. the genes help make us who we are ...even if such things can be a hindrance at times.... we can't deny it. 



> I'm glad though that for you two this is a minor "fight", for cases such as this my wife and I by comparison are incredibly fudged. Wish she was even half as understanding as you then I wouldn't have to divorce her heh


 Our arguments last about a hour or 2 , sometimes a little longer but rarely overnight... always ends with passionate Make up Sex & it's over ....it really isn't all that bad...I swear the last time this happened was a good 6 months ago now..

I talked about HOW our fights are here >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/66023-long-term-success-arguments.html 

I used to keep a sex diary but stopped, I'd write all of this down ... why I know I was most susceptible right before my period. If he showed me A LOT of attention during those times... I'd gloss right over it. He started to take it less to heart because he'd tell himself ...."She just NEEDS laid". ....which I believe to be true...

I just needed it a TON MORE during that time and I wanted to feel like HE needed it too. I could not stand the idea I might be a burden, or that he was slowing down, or just pleasing me, this would pi$$ me off -if I would let my brain run with that too much. 



> Despite this though, I'll have to be honest at least with my experience with my wife; the rough sex that you described which you desire is not something that can be discussed, or arranged, or roleplayed, it thrives on spontaneity... and sometimes; competition.


 You are the TAM master with the experience of "ROUGH sex" and how it works Random Dude!

But really..... here IS where I am being misunderstood some.... This is not what I seek... the stuff I want is more *Romantically Intense*, Rough was not the right word I guess... 

*Example of what I crave* ... Him coming home, telling me he's been thinking about me all day...with a "gotta have you now" tone - or in his eyes... pulling me upstairs... pushing me down in the bed (as rough as it gets)... telling me what he wants to do to me...while kissing me, hands gravitating ....taking my clothes off.....

After just a smidget of this....the clothes off...I would be perfectly & utterly CONTENT for slow sensuous sex, we both love that... we are very mushy in reality. I would NEVER change this even. 

I've done things like this a # of times ...and he felt HOTLY & passionately desired ....it's like taking him by a Whirlwind .. but its not rough, it's loving. 



> Also, it's also not a common occurence for me to take my wife like that (probably why she started fights from time to time), the spontaneity is still triggered, and most of time; its triggered by an insane tease or sexual withdrawal (or both). In other words; this side of me only awakens when my sexual desire is "bottlenecked" so to speak, hence frequent routine sex with my wife diminished my desire for it - another problem.


 Well here is the thing, If I starved him, this still wouldn't happen - Our past gives quite the clue, that does not bring the animal out of him .... once a week sex & still he showed no OUTWARD urgency (it was felt within though-he is very emotional).... Now Me, I'd come on like a flirtatious Freight Train with all that pent up tension, you'd have to TIE my mouth shut....after so many days - feeling like that. 



> As for competition, the *ripping*, the *biting*, the struggles, the wrestles, these are triggered at times when there's still anger present after a fight during make up sex.


 Oh my....No ripping & Biting in my fantasies... if I had a need for this....My Lord... I'd have to leave him! 

On a roughness scale... he is a the lowest rung possible... what you describe here could be a 10... I'm only seeking maybe a 4 or 5 at the most... He'd need a brain injury to bite or rip my clothes off ...I can't even see him pulling my hair- which many see as more on the Tame side. With these comparisons...I hope some of you can see...my expectations are , in reality, pretty low. 



> Healthier rough sex in this way can also be triggered by games; *wrestling for instance* -> it does build up healthy aggression when you're wrestling with someone. Hence I suggested it.


 And I would LOVE if he started that, have told him many times.. I can't recall this ever happening.....other than that time I pissed him off and he pinned me down . I don't like this idea I have to piss him off to get a rise out of him, can you see my dilemma. I guess these are sexual Sh** tests I am doing in reality. 

I guess my TRUE hang up here is this >> 

I WANT HIM TO START IT... it's like a GUY who wants & craves their Wives initiation, it really eats at him (I get that)... but he can't even get that much out of her... Yes, he initiates with me, but it is just so very TAME... Show me some Animal !!!



> It may seem torture to withdraw from sex just to build up sexual tension with your husband and vice versa but that's just how it works.


 Yes, I would be tortured ...then I would be thoroughly let down that I waited all that time & not much of an outward Display of Need & Craving was shown to me...

This is how it goes for us.......How I know he NEEDS it / NEEDS me sexually...*...it is never due to his Coming on to me strongly/ dominantly ...or his Words*... but in how he has a hard time holding back in the sack... I can feel his "ready to blow" by those vibrations (sometimes 10 + times)... I see the look on his face... he is in his Erotic heaven.. .. which always makes me feel on top of the world...a reassurance I am not killing him with sex...that YES.... my husband needs me -He might not say a word - but he wants it [email protected]#$%^&* I EAT that up... we have a small verbal exchange sometimes during THIS that sets me on the moon......

This is the height of his expression to me... and yeah.. I could live with this... Far from a deal breaker... if I couldn't bring him there, I think it would destroy me though. Kinda like the men who can't get their wives or orgasm & they get all hung up... he feels the same as me, this means everything to him...



> For us men, our brain and our penis have minds of our own. One can't work with the other, so you two can start discussing rough sex but that will just ruin it - at least for a time. Lay down a seed of thought and see what happens, and furthermore, allow his penis to think instead of his brain. And the only way to do this is to get him "bottlenecked" - well, at least for me anyways, and I'm sure for many other men.


 I am assuming Bottlenecked is a severe hard on.... with his age (almost 50).. this is hard to come by ....Am being his best time... and the less sex we have, he could go the other direction, why I get caught up wishing we were young again sometimes. We've entered the Viagra years now.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



inarut said:


> SA, I'm really sorry if my posts made you feel damned, or like there is something wrong with you, your desires or your relationship. It wasn't my intention or even what I think. Its obvious you have something great and I admire your approach and comittment to making your relationship as wonderful as it can be. I didn't mean any of it as an attack on or critisism of you.


Well it is GOOD you posted what you did... I don't need validated (of course it is nice but not my aim)... I've always been of the belief >> sometimes our harshest critics (not saying you was) hold the strongest nuggets of truth ...so we have to weigh what they are saying, not jump to dismiss...

Your words & Norajane's originally made me feel like I would have to STUFF my desires somehow/shut up & just accept ... or I am just a careless inconsiderate hurtful wife...which made me feel really awful and basically hopeless -- my initial response....

I had him read what you said.. he agreed with it.....he had us go upstairs to talk it out... He doesn't want me to stuff, I just need to be more careful to not cross certain sensitive barriers with him in trying to express what "does it for me".. he still wants to Be / grow in these things... And I love him *for trying*, he is not shutting the door on me, this means so very much too. 

I do believe I will take this much more to heart after this thread, just hearing from others - it's a good thing. So









It was a good night & he's off today, so I am getting off of here !


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Well it is GOOD you posted what you did... I don't need validated (of course it is nice but not my aim)... I've always been of the belief >> sometimes our harshest critics (not saying you was) hold the strongest nuggets of truth ...so we have to weigh what they are saying, not jump to dismiss...
> 
> Your words & Norajane's originally made me feel like I would have to STUFF my desires somehow/shut up & just accept ... or I am just a careless inconsiderate hurtful wife...which made me feel really awful and basically hopeless -- my initial response....
> 
> ...


I'm glad you both talked through it. For the record, I wasn't suggesting you should just shut up and accept it as is. Sorry if it came across that way. Stuffing down your feelings is never a good thing, never the answer. Btw....spice jar....great idea. Have fun!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "RO*

[/QUOTE]



One night I would literally like to be dragged up the stairs by my hair. It is definitely long enough for him to do that.[/QUOTE]






Wow swhinnngggggg!!!!


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> But really..... here IS where I am being misunderstood some.... This is not what I seek... the stuff I want is more *Romantically Intense*, Rough was not the right word I guess...
> 
> *Example of what I crave* ... Him coming home, telling me he's been thinking about me all day...with a "gotta have you now" tone - or in his eyes... pulling me upstairs... pushing me down in the bed (as rough as it gets)... telling me what he wants to do to me...while kissing me, hands gravitating ....taking my clothes off.....


I've misunderstood. -Sorry

I see what you're saying now. Words and gestures of affection can be powerfully seductive and they don't cost us anything.


----------



## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "RO*



One night I would literally like to be dragged up the stairs by my hair. It is definitely long enough for him to do that.[/QUOTE]






Wow swhinnngggggg!!!![/QUOTE]


I actually told him this yesterday in the car. I didnt really get a response but would die if he actually would do it!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA - Yes, when I wrote MB I had meant Marriage Builders, and Harley's idea of Sexual Fulfillment.

His princpals of emotional needs are just awesome...especially Sexual Fulfillment.

Because "just sex" is not Sexual Fulfillment. Every man who has made love to his wife while she laid there like a dead fish understands the difference between "just sex" and Sexual Fulfillment.

In your personal specific emotional need, Sexual Fulfillment would inlcude a bit more "oopmh" from your husband, and Harley's principals make it so that your H can understand that it is his duty (and should be pleasure) to fulfill that need in you. Need not want. NEED.

The MB principals make it so that NONE of us should be stuffing our needs. We should be sharing them with our spouses so that we can fulfill them in each other.

The danger of not fulfilling them is that we might fall out of love, or someone else might swoop in to fulfill them.

Just because you two are so tight and so in love does not protect you from the dangers that lurk from not getting your needs met by each other.

I don't think you should be telling yourself "oh I'm just being too hard on him" or anything of that sort. I think instead you should be telling yourself that you need to do whatever you can to get your H on board...because it protects your marriage.

He might find it uncomfortable and difficult, but not impossible.

SA...I know you said "if I have to tell him it takes away the fun". But I can tell you that my H and I have had to tell each other many things, guide and train each other in many ways over the years. Great sex doesn't just happen by mind reading. And on issues where I had a little trouble getting past a certain mental block, his loving patience and instruction helped me get through it.

Yes, you are going to have to be the lion trainer for a bit. Yes, you are going to have to be even more direct, more assertive and more "on top", for a bit.

Yes, he might experience discomfort.

Trust me, the payoff will be worth it.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Successes are wonderful to hear !! :smthumbup:
> 
> Not sure what you mean exactly - can you elaborate ?


Basically there is a difference between what you will or will not do based upon your level of comfort, or what you 'think' is ok vs. not ok.

versus ...

a boundary, meaning you have consciously thought about it and you flat out won't do it, no matter what.

At it's simplest, many women have expressed to me that anal is a boundary. Ain't gonna happen. And for me, that's a boundary that I'm fine with.

In my case, oral is a boundary. If I had a partner with a boundary about giving oral, we wouldn't remain partners. I expect it. It's very important to me. I understand if someone has a an issue with it, but I won't be sticking around.

So, to bring you up to speed on my romantic life, I'm in love. I am over the moon for this woman. Everything is clicking for both of us.

I'm heading over to Europe on business for the week. Consequently, we were intimate last night.

I like giving to her what she wants, what makes her respond more positively to me.

I suspect your husband is the same.

'M' said to me last night ... no joke here, "I love when you take what you want from me." and I know she means it. So ... I do. I am forceful. I don't ask. I just do it, and adjust according to her responses. I do it to send the message "I desire you and I love you." I don't behave in that manner 'to take', I actually do it to give ... because she really, really, likes it.

I think this is the hurdle you need to help SA's Husband with. He loves you. He respects you, he doesn't want to harm you.

That can be difficult programming to overcome even when you're partner is telling you they will love you more for it.

The little things I do:

Put my hand behind her neck and pull her into me hard when I'm kissing her.

Kiss passionately, deeply. Man ... I love kissing.

Grab a handful of hair while kissing or making love.

Push her physically and forcefully away from me, stare at her for a few moments and smile ... then pull her back in.

Go for 'erotic' love making. Try to break the mattress.

None of this is all the time.We change up. We definitely have both romantic sex and erotic sex.

So to answer your question, my sense is, that if this is important to you, he will want to explore it, but it can very difficult to pull this off if you feel it is all contrived.

If he has a genuine issue with behaving this way with you sexually, then I believe he would also make that clear to you.

The things I listed above are literally things that I had to coach myself into doing. And I'm a simple man. I will continue to do what works, and abandon what does not.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Well it is GOOD you posted what you did... I don't need validated (of course it is nice but not my aim)... I've always been of the belief >> sometimes our harshest critics (not saying you was) hold the strongest nuggets of truth ...so we have to weigh what they are saying, not jump to dismiss...
> 
> Your words & Norajane's originally made me feel like I would have to STUFF my desires somehow/shut up & just accept ... or I am just a careless inconsiderate hurtful wife...which made me feel really awful and basically hopeless -- my initial response....
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that I made you feel bad, SA. I certainly didn't intend to! I was actually mindful of that when I wrote my posts, and tried to phrase things in a way that wouldn't be hurtful...apparently I didn't do as well at that as I had hoped! 

My SO uses the same word for me that your H did to describe you - intense. He's like your H in that he is much less emotive than I. The calm, mild-mannered ones take _everything _in and _think _about it. I've had to learn that it is very easy for someone like me to blow up simply because it's Tuesday without realizing how much of that he internalizes. 

I'm glad you two talked and understand each other better.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

Didnt read the entire thread SA, but I definitely see where you are coming from. 

Sweet love making all the time would be boring for me. Luckily the wife agrees. She likes it slow and gentle, but also loves for me to "[email protected]" her. 

I know that can really make some people feel terrible and it used to me as well. Seemed dirty and something I shouldnt do to my wife who I love. You are supposed to make love to your wife. You [email protected] some skank. That whole line of thinking.

But like you my wife also wants to feel that besides loving her, I also lust her. That feeling that we cant control ourselves and feel like animals. Thats what you need. We all love feeling loved and connected in a magical way that only making love can give us. But I think most all of us like to feel like hot desirable creatures that our SO just wants to [email protected]

A lot of typing to say I dont have much advice for you but to try to tell him this by talking honestly. If you've done that all ready, then maybe next time your having sex once you get going tell him in a sexy voice to "[email protected] me". See how that works?:scratchhead:


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



ocotillo said:


> I've misunderstood. -Sorry
> 
> I see what you're saying now. Words and gestures of affection can be powerfully seductive and they don't cost us anything.


Absolutely... I must admit I am spoiled with Affection ... swimming in it...

I would replace your *AFFECTION* for a little *EROTICISM*....

The killer is... He sucks it up & LOVES what I do for him...dressing up /w heels, straddling him & getting frisky - he gets a big ...I push him down on the bed, come up with creative ideas /games, outside romps.....you name it....telling him how I want him...I love doing it ...it's pure enjoyment..and thankfully he never pushes me away or thinks it's too much..it the Foreplay before the Foreplay...

For instance...I get a zillion of







's (affection







).....but what I crave to hear now & then is a ....."*I WANT YOU*"..... that speaks a SEXUAL VIBE... 

There have been times...he'd tell me he loved me... I'd tell him he loves his Mother too...*hint*...*hint*...hint- does he need a brick !! He'll just give me a smirk ...he doesn't get  though - really. 

His song to me has forever been  I Love You by the Climax Blues Band... It has the words "*I want you*" and "*I need you* " in it.....I feel interchanging these *3* "I want's" with our Lovers is pretty awesome, shake it up a little...

A tip for the day from Simply Amorous 



> *Norajane said:* My SO uses the same word for me that your H did to describe you - intense. *He's like your H in that he is much less emotive than I.*


He's not lacking emotion at all ... he's blown me away how MUCH of a FEELER he is, wearing it on his sleeve (with me only -not out & about at all- except maybe a funeral)... how many men tear up Making Love...his tears dripping in my face..he is a mushy gushy man with words of Love on his lips... highly Romantic...and I adore this..



He's said a # of times..."*I'm a Lover not a Fighter*"... "*I'm a Making Love man"* (said this today).....he is not at all selfish in SEX.... He is a through & through Pleaser, this is what gives him Pleasure....this appears to be a huge part of his psyche, which brings me to THIS....

How Useful is a little SELFISHNESS IN SEX?? We were talking this morning, we've had this discussion before ....I've told him I'd like to feel some "selfishness" from him....in one of my Sex books (written by a Sex Therapist) said this is one area we WANT some selfishness......feeling our partners selfishly want gratified -just as we do - this is at the heart of LUST/ eroticism - it fuels something in us... doesn't it ?? 

See, he thinks being selfish is....well....just Selfish, he doesn't even like the word, feels it has no place in SEX at all ... 

Trying to describe his perspective... I am the Erotic..I'm selfish - A giver too, but darn it, I WANT MINE !! He is the Unselfish sensual Lover that is all about pleasing.. and his ultimate pleasure is MY pleasure even though he cant seem to wrap his brain around why I feel as I do...even if my wanting him to be more SELFISH would make me ecstatic !! 

I realize I am beating this to death [email protected]#$% 

Found this on the net to explain WHat I am trying to get across about this 
SELFISH element in







[/URL]



> *** *I think a lot of people get turned on at the thought of being fiercely sexually desired and get off on their partner's pleasure. Thus they need a partner who "selfishly" desires them and takes pleasure in them rather than self-sacrificingly catering to their needs*.
> 
> It's fun to see how your partner "wants" sex -- that's why you're together, right? The 'come on, please me!' look is one of the hottest parts of sex for me. It's so easy to feel good, sexy, and horny at the look of a partner who's so into it she/he doesn't even seem to notice you're there doing something -- a partner who'll say 'why did ya STOP??!' if you even dare stop.
> 
> Indeed, one of the beautiful things about sex is how much the other's pleasure triggers your own. One might imagine it was made to foster harmony.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Middle of Everything said:


> Sweet love making all the time would be boring for me. Luckily the wife agrees. She likes it slow and gentle, but also loves for me to "[email protected]" her.
> 
> I know that can really make some people feel terrible and it used to me as well. Seemed dirty and something I shouldnt do to my wife who I love. You are supposed to make love to your wife. You [email protected] some skank. That whole line of thinking.
> 
> ...


You most certainly GET where I am coming from Middle of Everything - guess my thread should have read ..."My husband can't [email protected] me!".. ha ha...Once there was a thread on here asking what we prefer the most... I remember replying "Making Love" ...I had too.. this is ALL I KNOW ! 

I can either laugh or cry about this ....

Even if you didn't read all these crazy pages... you get it ...I'd have to say though....what eats at me more has to do with his initial coming on to me over "performance" / his [email protected] me... We've had hard & fast romps -seems we need that if we are doing it TOO MUCH....but I do love the slow sensual (thankfully or we'd be in a hell of a mess)......

I could not BE any more Open...or Honest....or even explorative in trying to get him there..... yet I persevere. 

I've used the [email protected] word in bed...he doesn't shrink because of it but he doesn't get riled up either.. he doesn't like the word....would never use it.. What's a girl to do [email protected]#$%^!


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> I think a lot of people get turned on at the thought of being fiercely sexually desired and get off on their partner's pleasure. Thus they need a partner who "selfishly" desires them and takes pleasure in them rather than self-sacrificingly catering to their needs.....


That makes perfect sense. 

But I would add that this can be a very delicate tightrope for a man to try to walk, especially if his wife's attitude towards sex has shifted dramatically one way or the other over the years.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

A few thoughts:

1. You are projecting your own guilt about the dry years on him, and what you really want is a time machine. 

2. You don't have enough drama in your life, so you are manufacturing it.

Either way, I think this isn't really about your hubby at all. So he doesn't like rough. He's a nice guy. Leave him be. You've asked for it, and if he's not delivering it's because he doesn't want to, for whatever reason.

Could this be some "I'm going to die some day" kind of personal crisis?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA, any passionate sex comes from the same raw energy of lust and rough can mean just sweeping her off her feet as soon as you get home. My wife complained about the "lack" of this too (she wanted it all the time) as well though my reasons I believe were sound; I'm HUMAN! 

My STBX couldn't get enough of pure lust, she even got addicted to it and demanded it. Look where it led us... 
You guys have a good stable marriage, my STBX and I were very sexually compatible in passion and lust (even OUR fav sexual position became the same after she met me, she loved being suspended in the air and taken especially against the wall). However we were just not compatible in other ways. 

You just can't have everything =/


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



seeking sanity said:


> 1. *You are projecting your own guilt about the dry years on him,* and what you really want is a time machine.


 Our years were never that dry...I always had a healthy sex drive, always initiated also...We both contributed to our missing each other for very different reasons (lack of sex talk, his passivity, my repression & too into our kids- we had 5 in 9 yrs)... We both recognized our own hand in this & forgave each other from the heart. 

... Yes, during what I call my Mid Life Crisis, I did want that Time Machine, but I think this is typical of any Mid Life Crisis, some are more severe than others, some even loose their marriages , or go broke over these things.... we weathered it just fine...crazily enough...it was the Best damn thing that ever happened to us even! Threw us into a Mid Life Honeymoon ..we took a # of Romantic Vacations, went to Rock Concerts surfing people over our heads...spent ever more time together.... even admist my growing want of what I speak of on this thread, which I believe came with a surge of Hormones. 



> 2. You don't have enough drama in your life, so you are manufacturing it.


 It is true, our life is not full of drama, even with a family of 8....but I do not feel my personal feelings & expressing them/ exploring them = manufactoring Drama

Has anyone ever accused YOU of creating Drama for your feelings on a subject Seeking Sanity? How does that make you feel? 



> Either way, I think this isn't really about your hubby at all. So he doesn't like rough. He's a nice guy. *Leave him be*. You've asked for it, and if he's not delivering *it's because he doesn't want to*, for whatever reason.


 Can I just say ....your words here - just make me ever more thankful for the man I married ....he does not feel as you do .... or shut me down like you feel I should shut myself down. If you missed that post, how we talked last night, he wants to try, because he loves me and wants our happiness, even if he may not understand it fully, he cares that much. 



> Could this be some "I'm going to die some day" kind of personal crisis?


 Like above, my strongest crisis was 4 yrs ago (before I ever landed on TAM)... this now is small waves coming to shore...but we weathered that storm. I felt it was a worthy topic, so I posted it , probably end up deleting this thread -because truly I offer







.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



RandomDude said:


> SA, any passionate sex comes from the same raw energy of lust and rough can mean just sweeping her off her feet as soon as you get home. My wife complained about the "lack" of this too (she wanted it all the time) as well though my reasons I believe were sound; I'm HUMAN!


 Well You know Random Dude, I surely wouldn't expect this all the time... just once in a while would be damn sweet... I don't do it all the time either... I think you can see I am at least fairly balanced, or am trying to be.... It was funny tonight, as 2 times I said







to him, he replied with *"I WANT YOU*"... he's trying, gotta love 'im! 



> My STBX couldn't get enough of pure lust, she even got addicted to it and demanded it. Look where it led us...
> You guys have a good stable marriage, my STBX and I were very sexually compatible in passion and lust (even OUR fav sexual position became the same after she met me, she loved being suspended in the air and taken especially against the wall). However we were just not compatible in other ways.
> 
> You just can't have everything =/


 Have you ever learned what that was all about , or what was DRIVING her to BE this way? It is like a LUST addiction... I know for me, worry over his Test levels back then - upped this in me... and hormones ... but as soon as they settled (when I needed foreplay again).....so did MY intense want of these things....took a dive with the hormones... they were messing with my head. I loved it but it was a bit tormenting at the same time. Crazy rush. 

You are so right, we can't have it ALL....every marriage has some struggles & something to work on, work out, work through... I hope you are doing well Random Dude, you & the daughter ! Thank you for your thoughts on my thread - appreciate it


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



arbitrator said:


> SA: Since I am somewhat in the mold of your better-half, I thought about commenting on this, internally declined, thought about PM'ing you, relented, and then after giving it some more thought, came back to it, greatly wanting to do so!


 So happy you did, love to hear from you Arbitrator ! 



> Rethinking that my approach in the first marriage was somewhat skewed, I entered the second largely afraid to make an overt move~ which my STBXW seemed to have no problem with. *She had enough sexual energy in her for the both of us. With her, I think it was a novelty*~ she loved it that way.


 I would say this right here describes ME & what keeps us afloat & revved....



> She absolutely loved "rough sex"~* I was the more slow and deliberate type. *Orally, she wanted to FF'd hard~ which just wasn't my forte because it just seemed to be moreso done out of a purely carnal nature,* instead of the soft, heartfelt way that I had thought it should be. *But I performed as requested and she seemingly loved it. In essence, I was more in tune with placing my energy in pleasing her sexually the way that I thought she should be treated rather than in pleasing her the way she wanted to be. But that's largely just the way that I am!


 Much of what you said here sounds EXACTLY like my husband or something he would say. 



> Several times she just came on to me unsolicited that just blew my doors off. I was temporarily living out of town with my oldest son once when she showed up in our town about mid-afternoon at the house. Kissing me passionately upon my having opened the front door, she immediately started ripping my Docker's off and just "going to town," virtually right there in the doorway foyer. Politely shunning her away, I was just way too fearful that my son would return home from school at any time and catch us in the act thus allowing those fearful actions of mine to just get in the way.


 I could easliy see me doing THIS & HE would act as you did ...ha ha ... I'd KNOW it would have to be a securely PRIVATE place with a locked door or deep in the woods or something-or he'd be too worried to give in to the pleasure.



> Another time, she was given a pro football helmet as a gift and she called me to bedroom and was laid out spread-eagle on the bed with nothing but the helmet, one of my football officiating shirts and told me to come to bed "to officiate" because she felt like that if I didn't, that she might well end up having to play "dirty." I thought that that was totally ridiculous because as a sports official, the last person on Earth that I would ever be be sexually attracted to would be a football player or another official.


 I told my husband about these 2 erotic displays your Ex did...he said he would have loved this one... just saying ....but he is not in your shoes as an Official like that/ can't relate. 



> For me sex has been something of a loving, caring, nuturing nature, with me placing my mates pleasure first and foremost, much to the degree that I, working out of fear, just place my feelings second, always wanting her to think of me as the thoughtful loving guy and not some self-serving lustful lout.


 In post #75 HERE near the bottom -it gives a good understanding (or so I feel) why women crave this so much....the LUST....it's a bit selfish.. just another perspective ....

I would even go so far as to say this is one reason women FALL more for BAD BOYS, they are not short on that INTENSE assertive Flirtatious desire .. women just need to be careful they are not being "Used" (unless they want it that way).... 

But I have to say... I think Your feelings are closer to my husband than any on this thread. Stonewall kinda took himself out the equation with his post. 



> In retrospect, that could have been the underlying reason that she was not being sexually or emotionally fulfilled which caused her to stray for other men "friends" who might come meet that prerequisite for her. *I just hope that in time, I'll get another chance to be more pro-active than I've historically been in this arena.*


It seems in hindsight you are open to learning :smthumbup: 



> But for me to do so, there will have to be a heartfelt element of commitment, respect and love. But I can only pray that, in that time, that it does come to happen!


 I would agree with every word ! I so hope you find this special woman...being the Romantic you are...



> Back to you, SA~ you are such a super good lady and I feel that the two of you are so very good for each other, despite any of your perceived shortcomings. Communication is the total key here! Just continue to work with him, and let him know that it's OK to at least turn loose once in a great while and occasionally be the "bad boy" that you might occasionally champion. If he still continues to have problems, there's also counseling in that area that can help out immeasurably.


 Thank you for your words Arbitrator...You & my husband seem to be cut from the same cloth...

It's not such a deal to me -to need counseling, I would think that would be pretty strange to present this to a Counselor, probably more a Sex Therapist thing... I am even feeling a little stupid for posting this as those feelings seem so very small right now/ passed again -Gone with the wind. 



> In my time here at TAM, you two have been one of the many true gauges and benchmarks that I have measured what married, committed love is really all about. And I'm greatly praying that your success in overcoming and cirumventing this problem greatly comes to fruition!


 I do believe it will...he keeps my HOPE alive... what more can I ask for than this.....and if I did keep pounding away expecting too much...I'll hand him the belt ~ that might be FUN >>


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Faithful Wife said:


> SA - Yes, when I wrote MB I had meant Marriage Builders, and Harley's idea of *Sexual Fulfillment*.
> 
> His princpals of emotional needs are just awesome...especially* Sexual Fulfillment*.


 For this chapter alone, I am going to buy this book.... I appreciate your bringing this part of the book up to me...



> In your personal specific emotional need, Sexual Fulfillment would include a bit more "oopmh" from your husband, and Harley's principals make it so that your H can understand that it is his duty (and should be pleasure) to fulfill that need in you. Need not want. NEED.


 I can't really say I feel emotionally unfulfilled though...unless it is only 5% of the time...when the brain gets on the hamster wheel.... being a little aggressive with more of an outward display before the foreplay is exciting &







(No doubt, what our fantasies are made of)........but I do feel it is more of a WANT...even if My mind wants to convince me it is a NEED at those times....

*I do FEEL his desire *(which I would call a NEED for me)...even in his more Silent & Receptive manner... I am grateful for what I have, I know I'd never survive a Sexless or near sexless marriage though...where the man rejected me. 



> The MB principals make it so that NONE of us should be stuffing our needs. We should be sharing them with our spouses so that we can fulfill them in each other.


 Something I have always felt strong about personally - Loving the sound of this book !!



> The danger of not fulfilling them is that we might fall out of love, or someone else might swoop in to fulfill them.


 I agree 100%... not to mention a slow growing resentment. 



> He might find it uncomfortable and difficult, but not impossible.
> 
> SA...I know you said "if I have to tell him it takes away the fun". *But I can tell you that my H and I have had to tell each other many things, guide and train each other in many ways over the years*. Great sex doesn't just happen by mind reading. And on issues where I had a little trouble getting past a certain mental block, his loving patience and instruction helped me get through it.


He asked me tonight if I started working on the "*Spice Jar*"....I told him not yet, monkeying on TAM ...he told me to get to it...

Good to hear how this has worked for the 2 of you !







Faithful Wife !


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA, your husband and my wife seriously sound like the same people... my situation is almost identical to yours, just gender roles reversed.

My wife is the classic stereotypical conservative, catholic-raised introvert in every sense of the word. Sex with her is almost always vanilla (by her choice), because that's what works for her and that's what she seems to be comfortable with. The good news is this routine produces a high rate of PIV orgasms for my wife. The bad news is, this routine produces a high rate of PIV orgasms for my wife! 

See, my wife has a pretty narrow view on sex... to her it is very goal-oriented... meaning orgasm is the ultimate goal. So because we have discovered the routine that yields such high rate of orgasm, trying to justify diverting from it doesn't make much sense to my wife. But I would kill for my wife to start having a little more "slvt" in her as you mention... But she's just not like that... and it's been hell trying to tap into that bad girl side of her, despite some of my best efforts.

You know, I wonder if your hubby is just content to coast along in the same routine with you because he's content with his life in general. Maybe he's just to happy with the relationship as is? Perhaps it's allowing him to be a tad bit complacent, because he's so familiar and comfortable with you and knows how much you love him, and you now being the high-drive one he can just kinda sit back and let you come on to him, because you just can't help yourself. You NEED sex. He KNOWS this. It's like he doesn't have to do any of the hard work a guy normally needs to do to get his lady in the mood, because you're already there and ready to jump his bones.

You know, when you think of those hot passionate romance novels or movies, the setting is always some tension or drama that helps build up the suspense of the moments. People ravage each other sexually when it's a huge release of tension or energy... Maybe the key to your situation (and mine) is actually that the boat needs to be rocked a little bit? Maybe our spouses are just too content living their happy lives with spouses who love them so much, that there's just no opportunity to create the needed drama or suspense it takes to really create an "OMG [email protected] me now" moment?

Maybe you need to think about how to turn your daily routine into something that has some serious norm-breaking action. Maybe you both need to dare yourselves to get out of your comfort zones and start screwing in random and risky places. Maybe you need to tease hubby a bit like work him up to erection a few times throughout the day but then leave him there hanging, only to let him finally pound you later that night because he'd been holding a half-erection the entire day from your teasing?

I don't know, just some ideas here. But I think the key is that you're expecting hubby to be some raging passionate alpha but your daily routine isn't creating any suspense that's conducive to bringing out that animal in him. Maybe the daily "Hi honey I'm home", kissie kissie, hug, dinner, "love you", and let's go to bed thing is just too expected now? Or maybe he's just got a full belly from gorging on your high sex drive for a few years and he's not hungry enough to ever want it so bad that he has to go tearing-your-clothes-off crazy on you? You know, animals are always ravenous unpredictable creatures when they're starving...


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

I haven't read through all the pages of responses yet, but I surely will soon. Like so many others, I have complained about the same problem in my own marriage.

The one thing that has helped my husband create the illusion of 'taking more initiative and control' are our 'Desire Jars' that we made over a year ago. 

We needed a better way of getting what we needed from the other person. So, I contrived a way to get what we wanted, without having to nag about wanting it all the time. 

We each wrote specific needs on slips of papers and put them into the other person's jar. We each pull out one or two slips of paper during the week, and then act on them. We never let on what we pull out of the jar, so it's a surprise until we have time to arrange it. 

It was funny...almost all of mine had to do with sex. "Press me against the wall, grab the back of my neck and kiss me deeply when I am not expecting it", "Tie me up tonight, have your way with me", "Let's go parking"....

All of my husbands? They involved datenights and doing things. Movies, going to the beach, fishing, boating, making a new dish for dinner together... I had no clue how much he missed those kinds of things until we made the jars.

Now, because he doesn't have to come up with the ideas, which do not come to him naturally...he has an easier time doing the things that I want him to do for me. Because he is more nice guy-beta...he would never pin me against the wall and make out with me on his own. He doesn't mind doing that, and he enjoys it actually, but the idea would have never popped into his head on his own. He also likes that he has plenty of time to get his thoughts together on how he wants to enact it, and it doesn't feel like a demand, because he knows I am going to do something he likes that week as well. I don't feel like I am telling him what to do to me..because I never know what he has pulled out of his jar.

We both like this system for getting our needs met. It's fun, because, I never know what to expect, and neither does he. 

Not sure if this was the kind of help you were looking for...but it's worked for us, I encourage you to try it!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Deejo said:


> Basically there is a difference between what you will or will not do based upon your level of comfort, or what you 'think' is ok vs. not ok.
> 
> versus ...
> 
> *a boundary*, meaning you have consciously thought about it and you flat out won't do it, no matter what.


 There are certain things (some Random Dude has mentioned) that would be OUT...Biting, ripping clothes... being a slave... Anal, Golden showers, some of the extreme...yeah BIG boundaries.....nothing I am suggesting is out of the question ~Thankfully. 



> In my case, oral is a boundary. If I had a partner with a boundary about giving oral, we wouldn't remain partners. I expect it. It's very important to me. I understand if someone has a an issue with it, but I won't be sticking around.


 I would have similar thoughts myself if I was single -would hold on to them & weed them out one by one! 



> So, to bring you up to speed on my romantic life,* I'm in love. I am over the moon for this woman*. Everything is clicking for both of us.


 I noticed you mentioned this on another thread not long ago..... I was  ear to ear for you... So happy for you Deejo ! 



> I like giving to her what she wants, what makes her respond more positively to me.
> 
> I suspect your husband is the same.


 Yes..why some of these silly hangups, I don't know but Arbitrator seems to = where my husband IS. I probably make him out to sound like the most Boring Vanilla Lover imaginable on this thread, but honesty...I am not the easiest woman to please by a long shot, so this has to count for something, he can't be all that bad - despite my whining now & then. 



> 'M' said to me last night ... no joke here, "I love when you take what you want from me." and I know she means it. So ... I do.* I am forceful. I don't ask. I just do it, and adjust according to her responses.* *I do it to send the message "I desire you and I love you." I don't behave in that manner 'to take', I actually do it to give ... because she really, really, likes it.*


 Beings you GREW in this, coached yourself ... and so GET IT now, LIVE it now, and enjoy those fruits.... 

Love what you say here... YOU doing - that taking -"TO GIVE" -because she EATS THAT UP... yeah.. I want more of this. Lucky 'M' there - a little ENVY over here ! 




> The little things I do:
> 
> Put my hand behind her neck and pull her into me *hard* when I'm kissing her.


 A little comparing here... He will do this minus "the hard"



> Kiss passionately, deeply. Man ... I love kissing.


 Always - it's deep, it's lingering, it's long, sometimes I want him to go to my neck!











> Grab a handful of hair while kissing or making love.


 Never grabs my hair.. will play with it - while I am occupied elsewhere...but not as "pulling" as I WANT ...not yet anyway...we'll get there. 



> Go for 'erotic' love making. *Try to break the mattress*.


 Couldn't help myself >>











> The things I listed above are literally things that I had to coach myself into doing. And I'm a simple man. I will continue to do what works, and abandon what does not.


Another "simple Man" over here.... so appreciate your input Deejo ~ as always !


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Inside_Looking_Out said:


> I haven't read through all the pages of responses yet, but I surely will soon. Like so many others, I have complained about the same problem in my own marriage.
> 
> The one thing that has helped my husband create the illusion of 'taking more initiative and control' are our 'Desire Jars' that we made over a year ago.
> 
> ...


Wow, this is one heck of an awesome idea ILO!!! Totally love it.


----------



## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

I am trying to get my wife to come to the site and read some of these treads to see if it helps our situation, but she doesn't want to ... some of these comments i think would help her.. and eventually me..


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Bottled Up said:


> See, my wife has a pretty narrow view on sex... to her it is very goal-oriented... meaning orgasm is the ultimate goal.


 Oh Bottled up... bursting a bubble here....WE are the same way, me and HIM.. We both want that orgasm -it's the HIGHLIGHT, the Fireworks! But this doesn't mean we don't try like 3 positions before we allow that heavenly release.... He is up for ANYTHING I want to do "position" wise, Crazy as it may sound, it was ME who said - we're doing "DOGGIE" - he prefers what they call "Lazy Dog". And I've come to learn I can orgasm in other positions...great to learn some new tricks in our old age. 



> So because we have discovered the routine that yields such high rate of orgasm, trying to justify diverting from it doesn't make much sense to my wife. But I would kill for my wife to start having a little more "slvt" in her as you mention... But she's just not like that... and it's been hell trying to tap into that bad girl side of her, despite some of my best efforts.


 A repressive Catholic upbringing , if she takes it seriously... God help you -unless she has a sex drive increase..I think you know from my Crazy story, that blew all of that out the window, I was clamoring .."give me Porn" ! 



> You know, I wonder if your hubby is just content to coast along in the same routine with you because he's content with his life in general. Maybe he's just to happy with the relationship as is? Perhaps it's allowing him to be a tad bit complacent, because he's so familiar and comfortable with you and knows how much you love him, and you now being the high-drive one he can just kinda sit back and let you come on to him, because you just can't help yourself. You NEED sex. He KNOWS this. It's like he doesn't have to do any of the hard work a guy normally needs to do to get his lady in the mood, because you're already there and ready to jump his bones.


 Ha ha, I have spoiled him something terrible here.....he has said so.... But since I cause a fuss now & then, I can't say he is exactly Complacent. My drive has taken a dive in the past 2 yrs ...I'd even say we are EVEN/ in sync.. I'm no longer Joking with him I need "MY FIX" .... but my zeal for all things sexual has remained the same... neither of us want this to slow down... it's very very important to us both - his feeling this way means the world to me. 



> You know, when you think of those hot passionate romance novels or movies, the setting is always some tension or drama that helps build up the suspense of the moments.* People ravage each other sexually when it's a huge release of tension or energy.*.. Maybe the key to your situation (and mine) is actually that the boat needs to be rocked a little bit?


 Hey Bottled Up, I am pretty good Boat Rocker -taking some heat for that on this thread even! Husband has accused me a # of times that I start fights for "Make up sex"....I'm not going to say this is true.. can't think of a better ending though. ..This does STIR the hormones ...I specifically remember 1....I felt like I NEEDED him like air...Oh my... to recapture that...He would rather do without my acting up of course. We don't need to fight to feel that intense though. Waiting a few days can be like Heaven too. 



> Maybe our spouses are just too content living their happy lives with spouses who love them so much, that there's just no opportunity to create *the needed drama or suspense it takes to really create an "OMG [email protected] me now" moment?*


 With some added Drama or without.. My husband is not into "[email protected]" - he is a pure "*Making Love*" man ~ said this to me today even. 



> Maybe you need to think about how to turn your daily routine into something that has some serious norm-breaking action. Maybe you both need to dare yourselves to get out of your comfort zones and start screwing in random and risky places.


 He would Never do Risky .... but Random.. I do bring this on. I am the Creative force between us...he is perfectly content with that, and the fact he is game means alot to me. 



> Maybe you need to tease hubby a bit like work him up to erection a few times throughout the day but then leave him there hanging, only to let him finally pound you later that night because he'd been holding a half-erection the entire day from your teasing?


 With his age, if he gets One, it will just go down.... No matter how ON FIRE this man is/ tension built up..... he is not one to show OVERT LUST - with some aggression...Once under the sheets I WILL feel it in his touch.. this has always had to be ENOUGH for me... I tried to explain how it has been in our past ... Post #*32* HERE  These days he knows any initiation will result in an orgasm ....



> I don't know, just some ideas here. But I think the key is that you're expecting hubby to be some raging passionate alpha but your daily routine isn't creating any suspense that's conducive to bringing out that animal in him. Maybe the daily "Hi honey I'm home", kissie kissie, hug, dinner, "love you", and let's go to bed thing is just too expected now?


 Oh Bottled up I am not that Boring!! .. .Ha ha ... I am an Overt Seductress, who flirts wildly ( told me I should work for a sex hotline weeks ago), I grope him, I dress up in heels & lingerie cooking his breakfast - tease him....I make it interesting..I enjoy it... 



> Or maybe he's just got a full belly from gorging on your high sex drive for a few years and he's not hungry enough to ever want it so bad that he has to go tearing-your-clothes-off crazy on you? You know, animals are always ravenous unpredictable creatures when they're starving...


 My husband appears to be missing the "Animal ".. wouldn't matter if he was sex starved, he has NEVER NEVER NEVER acted like that - even when we only had sex once a week -with no masterbation in between [email protected]#$% If starving him would bring these results ..I'd starve his ass !


----------



## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

lol.. are you talking about food or just sex.. lol


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



tacoma said:


> SA,
> 
> Most men from my generation and earlier have been raised to treasure women, to put them on a pedestal, and treat them like sacred brittle china.


Say what! I hope you are in your 60s... because I am 52, and have since I can remember, I got my freak on. My wife took a while to warm up to it and now, Oh yea.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Inside_Looking_Out said:


> The one thing that has helped my husband create the illusion of 'taking more initiative and control' are our 'Desire Jars' that we made over a year ago.


 You are a Bright shining light of Confirmation to me in the wee hours of this night Inside Looking Out.... since you didn't read all of this (I know -TOOO many pages as I like to respond to my responders)... This was our idea too >>
Post 62 >>


> *SimplyAmorous said*: He asked me to write out these THINGS that I would LOVE for him to Do... ..We talked once about a "SPICE Jar"
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> We each wrote specific needs on slips of papers and put them into the other person's jar. We each pull out one or two slips of paper during the week, and then act on them. We never let on what we pull out of the jar, so it's a surprise until we have time to arrange it.
> 
> It was funny...*almost all of mine had to do with sex. "Press me against the wall, grab the back of my neck and kiss me deeply when I am not expecting it", "Tie me up tonight, have your way with me", "Let's go parking"...*.


 Oh My, YOU sound JUST LIKE ME...... another wife seeking the EROTIC (upping the excitement / novelty / shaking it up) [email protected]#$%^ -whereas he seemed to be more interested in "Recreational Fulfillment" (TIME spent with you)



> *Now, because he doesn't have to come up with the ideas, which do not come to him naturally.*..he has an easier time doing the things that I want him to do for me. *Because he is more nice guy-beta...he would never pin me against the wall and make out with me on his own. He doesn't mind doing that, and he enjoys it actually*, *but the idea would have never popped into his head on his own.*


 I can not tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time on my thread Inside_Looking_Out... this is ALL my husband -- to a T... your post is the most encouraging to me on this thread ... just hearing HOW it has played out for you both... Today mine asked if I started on this *Spice Jar* yet...

If you get some time, Please post some of your Erotic Jar entries you desire him to play out on you....Would dearly







some ideas for my Jar...some added inspiration is always a plus! 

My husband is a Physical Toucher above all, and I feed this to the hilts already....I am not even sure he would have anything to put in his Jar ! But I will try to encourage it none the less.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



themagicalbeing2013 said:


> I am trying to get my wife to come to the site and read some of these treads to see if it helps our situation, but she doesn't want to ... some of these comments i think would help her.. and eventually me..


 This forum can be a wealth of information -plus the experiences of others who have been there, done that... Starting your own thread - in the appropriate section...and receiving Feedback can be very helpful, eye opening, giving you needed direction . Even without your wife here... go for it, write out your dilemma, or curious questions.... then once the feedback is rolling in...show it to her - might get her interested... you never know. 

This is what I did with my husband on day 1. 



themagicalbeing2013 said:


> lol.. are you talking about food or just sex.. lol


If you mean this *SPICE Jar* thing.. the Spice = Erotic sexy ideas written out on little peices of paper...things you want your partner to DO to you!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA: You and your better half, despite your occasional yearnings, are at least in my eyes, *simply magical*. 

God has seen fit to bless you both so very much and I cannot help but feel that you're both doing some of your ministry right here at TAM in helping others with your advice and encouragement to at least in some small measure overcome their relationship doubts and fears, just as you occasionally so bravely place yours up on the table, such as now for scrutinization.

My hope and prayer for you is that you will continue to gleem in that *magic* as the loving, committed married couple that He has ordained you to be, and in so doing, that you will continue to be an inspiration to us all!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



arbitrator said:


> SA: You and your better half, despite your occasional yearnings, are at least in my eyes, *simply magical*.
> 
> God has seen fit to bless you both so very much and I cannot help but feel that you're both doing some of your ministry right here at TAM in helping others with your advice and encouragement to at least in some small measure overcome their relationship doubts and fears, just as you occasionally so bravely place yours up on the table, such as now for scrutinization.
> 
> My hope and prayer for you is that you will continue to gleem in that *magic* as the loving, committed married couple that He has ordained you to be, and in so doing, that you will continue to be an inspiration to us all!


 Arbitrator...

I am who I am.. I probably do share a bit







...but I'll take my lumps.... I know my husband is who I am meant to be with...he was a literal answer to my prayers at age 15...there has never been another for me.....even if we have some good fights !







I've made threads out of our* arguments* - this being one of my favorites *>>*

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html *>>* we always seem to learn something of value that helps us along...which is kinda cool... 

I just received a personal pm from a wife who said it seems we are married to the SAME MAN..... and well... he gave her the night of her life last night... *He TOOK her* !! And wanted to share with me. I do feel many wives can relate to some of this.. if married to these wonderful Gentlemanly pleasers ....and we still love em !!

You said this in your 1st post >>


arbitrator said:


> From the standpoint of the old saying that "*opposite's attract*," I greatly think that you two meet that mantra.


 Very true of us...when taking those Temperament Tests >> CLICK HERE ...... we learned I had virtually No Phelgmatic in Me and he has virtually 0 Choleric in him... that was a little crazy....it helps we're both secondary Melancholy ....why we match so well being sensitive, gushy & stubbornly faithful... 

Basically He can "put up with me"...and I adore his Dry sense of humor in doing just that ! 

These articles explains this phenomenon/ magic as you call it - pretty well....I have a feeling some other wives & husbands could fit this temperament Profile - just like us. 



> Choleric and Phlegmatic
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Arbitrator...
> 
> I am who I am.. I probably do share a bit
> 
> ...


Great post, SA! And while it's rare that I ever cross the line in ferreting out TMI, I felt that I had to do it in my earlier post, to get my point across. Hope that it didn't offend!

Now don't get me wrong! From all of my previous posts regarding my relationship with my STBXW, you can, no doubt, sense the hurt and the venom that I occasionally inject into them. Fact is, I loved this woman beyond compassion. She was so smart, intuitive, loving, hard-working. But we were opposites as well: Politically speaking, imagine if you will~ She was ultra-conservative, I was moderate/liberal, kind of like James Carville and Mary Matalin. While we disagreed politically, we understood where we were and didn't let politics define our relationship.

She was overtly into doing things outside of the box. I was more in tune to doing things through systematic and accepted measures. I was more ecclesiastical and put God on the highest pedestal that I could find~ she was more reserved about that.

Opposites do attract~ and we did. The only difference is that I saw a way to live with her in a way that greatly accentuated my intense love for her. Over time however, her resolve was greatly diminished by the newfound presence of her other men along with her placing her wealth over everything else.

Being the religious and ecclesiastical type of man that I am, I internally just cannot grasp why a Christian or a God-loving person could offer to commit infidelity with another person, knowing that the fruit of their actions has the marked potential to not only destroy the tenants of the original relationship, but many other relationships as well.

And whereas a lot of folks might deem that God has dealt me a crappy hand of cards, He didn't do that~ and as *I Notice the Details* has on his profile, *"What I am today is a direct result of the choices that I have made in the past."*

But the benefits have been exponential~ had it not been for this, I would have been forever blind to what happened to me. And by a lucky search engine inquiry, I found many good people like you amongst all of my brothers and sisters here at TAM; and I found that there were many more here who were undergoing situations that made mine seem like the proverbial "walk in the park!"

But more importantly, it has brought me much closer to God, who, through His unending love and forgiveness of my sins, has greatly given me the courage to continue in my own right, to apply those lessons that I've learned from those misfortunes, and in that process, to be able to give the aid and encouragement to many others who are also hurting and not knowing exactly what to do or how to cope.

"Every cloud has a silver lining," or so they say! Well in this case, this would be mine!


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



drerio said:


> Say what! I hope you are in your 60s... because I am 52, and have since I can remember, I got my freak on. My wife took a while to warm up to it and now, Oh yea.


I'm forty six and said "most men".

I personally was raised to treat women the way I'd treat a loaded weapon with a loose safety.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> If you get some time, Please post some of your Erotic Jar entries you desire him to play out on you....Would dearly some ideas for my Jar...some added inspiration is always a plus!
> 
> My husband is a Physical Toucher above all, and I feed this to the hilts already....I am not even sure he would have anything to put in his Jar ! But I will try to encourage it none the less.
> 
> [/IMG][/URL]




What are you waiting on woman?! Get to scheming and fantasizing! It is great that your husband is asking about it, I had to ease mine into the idea at first. And we still hit rough patches, there are a few things that have blown his gasket. When he is not comfortable with it...he can just simply skip on it. Sometimes he lets me know that it's not within his range, sometimes, he doesn't say a word. 

The one that really upset him the most? Asking him to fill out a 'questionarre' book about sexual fantasties once. It made him really upset actually. I know it's not 'fun', but I was so tired of begging for input. My husband is also not a reader. He just doesn't. He will listen to me if I read snippets of things, but that is about it. It's hard not to be resentful of that. I bet you are the same way. I think, 'Why can't you take the iniative to come up with some new tricks when I spend all day researching and reading on new things?' It can have the tendency to make you feel like you are more 'all in' than they are. 

Its hard to remind myself...it's not a lack of enthusiasm, its a primary difference in emotion and function. My husbands brain will never derive pleasure from planning things out, from researching new tricks, from hashing out every little detail...no matter how much I enjoy all those things.

The biggest thing about the Spice Jar (love your name for it WAY better than what we were calling our's)...try not to get too dissappointed if he doesn't have any sex related things in his jar for you. It means he is satisified in that department. Pushing for him to come up with something that he doesn't actually need is just going to drive him nuts...believe me, I know from experience. It would be the same as running around telling him he's not washing the dishes correctly or doing the laundry right. Men hate to be told to do something, and then told they are doing it wrong. Telling them they HAVE to have sexy things in the jar goes over just as well as nagging over chores. The focus of the jars is to let the other person know what they are missing the most in the relationship.

You may find that your husband starts adding in some spicier ones over time. Mine has...but they have been much more tame than I thought they would be. They actually harken back to experiences that are much like we had when we were first dating. Overall...my husband still focuses on 'time' in the relationship more than anything else.

The best thing about this method is...he wants to please me sexually more than anything else. I know that is his focus. For him, he is not doing his sexual best unless he focuses on my enjoyment. It was his preconcieved notion on what he THOUGHT would please me that got in the way. There is no confusion about that anymore. When he pulls one of those slips of paper out, he knows without a doubt, this is what I want. And once he knows that, he will enact it to make that happen, because it still lets him keep my pleasure and satisfaction top priority. But it's like giving him a new tool to use to achieve that. 

I will send some of mine from my jar to you a private message, I don't want to share quite EVERYTHING publically! 

I really hope this works out for you...remember, it's not going to be exactly like you pictured in your head...so go easy on him if the scene in your head works out differently in real life. Oftentimes, it works out for the better, if you can try to stay in moment instead of anticapating what will happen next.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Inside_Looking_Out said:


> The one that really upset him the most? *Asking him to fill out a 'questionarre' book about sexual fantasties once*. It made him really upset actually.


 My husband wouldn't care for this one either, he wouldn't blow a gasket, he just would never finish it ... once we were playing a sex game, the question I held in my hand to ask him was "Share a fantasy"?... his answer "I don't have any?" ...I got a little upset, like come on, you can do better than [email protected]#$%^ So I pushed a little, even threw some ideas in his head...the most I got out of him was ''you fulfill them all " - I mean, I'm not going to complain about that - but [email protected]#$ .. he would suck filling out questions like that.... Over the years, I got a few more answers out of him - I could list about 4 things....



> I know it's not 'fun', but I was so tired of begging for input. My husband is also not a reader. He just doesn't. He will listen to me if I read snippets of things, but that is about it. It's hard not to be resentful of that.


 I haven't found myself resentful so much ...but Yes, I have found myself wishing he was more of a reader ..... He surprised me 2 nights ago, told me he downloaded a book online about MEN (he couldn't remember the title)...started reading it , sharing some things it said... I was so damn happy about this , I got mushy, had a tear & kissed him...it's like the 1st time he took his own initiative for something like that - so it was BIG to me . He did suggest to join this forum last year on his own, knowing how much I would enjoy his writing more ...he tries...and these things mean the world to me. 



> I bet you are the same way. I think,* 'Why can't you take the iniative to come up with some new tricks when I spend all day researching and reading on new things?' * It can have the tendency to make you feel like you are more 'all in' than they are.


 Yes, I have thought this, I would never think he loves me less...but when I get  I start to Jump on his downloading Playboy bunnies (which in reality -doesn't bother me 99 % of the time...we both like a little porn) & say he ought to be reading a Creative sex book so he can "surprise me" once in a while. 



> Its hard to remind myself...it's not a lack of enthusiasm, its a primary difference in emotion and function. *My husbands brain will never derive pleasure from planning things out, from researching new tricks, from hashing out every little detail*...no matter how much I enjoy all those things.


 Same here, he does have the enthusiasm-he wants to BE with me....he is passionate even if more on the quiet side... if not this would bother me 100% of the time ... and yeah... this is just not HIM either. 



> try not to get too dissappointed if he doesn't have any sex related things in his jar for you. It means he is satisified in that department.


 I would bet my life on his not adding 1 entry - that goes for ANYTHING... not just







.... he is more than content -wouldn't change his life, our loving, or anything....one of my complaints when I get irritated with him is this ... He is too damn easy to please.... I WISH had some things he wanted ME to Do on him.. (crazy thing to fight about, isn't it).... if he had 1 entry, I already know what it would be ..."when you get upset wifey, take it easy on me". ha ha. 



> Telling them they HAVE to have sexy things in the jar goes over just as well as nagging over chores. The focus of the jars is to let the other person know what they are missing the most in the relationship.


 Yeah, I never even planned on his writing anything down, this doesn't bother me ... so long as he is not bothered I want to do this....which he is not. Anyway, he knows if he suggested anything in his words/desire ... I would JUMP on it -so no need for a snippet of paper...



> You may find that your husband starts adding in some spicier ones over time. Mine has...but they have been much more tame than I thought they would be. They actually harken back to experiences that are much like we had when we were first dating. Overall...my husband still focuses on *'time'* in the relationship more than anything else.


 Me & mine are both TIME & Physical touch primarily....we do just about everything together. I plan ALL of our outings...all vacations.... with our large family, this takes some research & fine detail for it to run smoothly ..I have the time to mess on the net over him...& enjoy that sort of thing, making phone calls, etc...Hes always been HAPPY to go anywhere/ everywhere...then praises me for my choices....its always an adventure for us....his enthusiasm /enjoyment is all I need - I wouldn't expect him to pick up the planning. 



> The best thing about this method is...*he wants to please me sexually more than anything else. I know that is his focus*. For him, he is not doing his sexual best unless he focuses on my enjoyment. * It was his preconcieved notion on what he THOUGHT would please me that got in the way.* There is no confusion about that anymore. When he pulls one of those slips of paper out, he knows without a doubt, this is what I want. And once he knows that, he will enact it to make that happen, because it still lets him keep my pleasure and satisfaction top priority. But it's like giving him a new tool to use to achieve that.


 Love it....Looking back... I should have done this 4 yrs ago- when another suggested it to me ....I just never took the time ... these things bothered me ALOT more when my drive was WAY higher...with that came this LUST for more aggressiveness .... I do believe this will finally lay down that "dragon". 



> I will send some of mine from my jar to you a private message, I don't want to share quite EVERYTHING publically!


 Wonderful !







Inside_Looking_Out!


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



SimplyAmorous said:


> ...but when I get  I start to Jump on his downloading Playboy bunnies (which in reality -doesn't bother me 99 % of the time...we both like a little porn)


Didn't you say your husband doesn't masturbate? And if so, are you so absolutely sure about that???

Call me crazy but I find that watching porn goes hand-in-hand with sexual activity... If you're watching porn you're either masturbating to it or getting it on with a partner while watching it. So if he's watching porn on his own sometimes without you, then I have to wonder...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Bottled Up said:


> Didn't you say your husband doesn't masturbate? And if so, are you so absolutely sure about that???
> 
> Call me crazy but I find that watching porn goes hand-in-hand with sexual activity... If you're watching porn you're either masturbating to it or getting it on with a partner while watching it. So if he's watching porn on his own sometimes without you, then I have to wonder...


ABSOLUTELY SURE Bottled up.... I realize how ridiculously strange this sounds... you'd just have to know my husband...he is one man who has some amazing restraint... 

Let me tell you how this went -when I learned he DIDN't masterbate our entire marriage (4 yrs ago) -except for 1 time (in the morning of a scheduled conception attempt to get a GIRL because his buddy at work said to deplete his sperm count-this favors daughters)....and crazy enough....we did conceive her that night...

Anyway, when he told me this...He knew it was Not what I wanted to hear..... I even CRIED....During that phase....I was wanting it 3 freaking times a day.... and his saying he never masterbated only confirmed my WORST fears that my husband is a LOW DRIVE MAN compared to the vast majority... I wanted to hear he was so fvcking horny he was ready to do the sheep next door ( just kidding)....... 

IF he wanted to put a  on my face, he would have been better off LYING To me... so I do believe him...& asked over over to tell me the truth, don't lie, he swore it...which only added to my worry that he lacks *DESIRE*..which you could say....contributed to my questioning & wayward thinking in this very thread!!! 

He is standing here, I told him about your post and asked how to convince you.... he made a good point...saying.... "you are always with me!"... this is true also.... He only downloads in the living room (more a hobby of collecting you might say)- with the kids swarming around the house... the man is NEVER up when I am sleeping (I am the night owl who also gets up in the am to cook his breakfast)... 

Plus I might add...back in the day, his pecker was SOOO damn sensitive to touch, once I got on top of him, he was ready to BLOW... so if he was masterbating, he would have lasted longer. 

Plus, he built resentment up in the past over wanting more sex, had he masterbated like normal men, that would have been a little less... I told him he was freaking [email protected]#$% (He did masterbate in his youth up to 3 -4 times a day) -he told me he stopped when I started to put my hands down his pants, after that, it was MY Place... that is how he feels !

Now me....I am like a guy... when I get aroused I am going to get it one way or the other.. which is just NOT my husband... hence.. why making him wait -does not cause him to be more dominate or aggressive. Geeze, I share too much on here.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



> During that phase....I was wanting it 3 freaking times a day.... and his saying he never masterbated only confirmed my WORST fears that my husband is a LOW DRIVE MAN compared to the vast majority... I wanted to hear he was so fvcking horny he was ready to do the sheep next door ( just kidding).......


I couldn't masturbate either when I was with my STBX as if I did, she would notice either during our lunch or dinner or supper session (breakfast session I'm always hard) - and complain to me about it, because I lost the desire for sex and for her, she wanted sex all the time as well as you know.

Hence I only went to the hand during fights/sexual withdrawal when I could actually get some space!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



RandomDude said:


> I couldn't masturbate either when I was with my STBX as if I did, she would notice either during our lunch or dinner or supper session (breakfast session I'm always hard) - and complain to me about it, because I lost the desire for sex and for her, she wanted sex all the time as well as you know.
> 
> Hence I only went to the hand during fights/sexual withdrawal when I could actually get some space!


Your situation there - was very different than ours.. in the fact... for most of our marriage ... he WANTED more sex (you just wanted some peace, that "MAN CAVE" !).....but still my husband chose to NOT masterbate ...back then we were doing it approx ONCE A WEEK (at least cause I got antsy after so many days).. ...with the pregnancies it was more so ....no wonder he didn't care how many kids we had !! 

He's told me, in comparison to being with me, he finds masterbating "hollow"....sure he did it in his youth before we met (that was his greatest past-time -with a Playboy cracked open)..... *but once I started touching him... he QUIT* !! This is not the norm at all... but that is how strongly he felt-- he saved his every drop for ME / for US. I guess I could look at this as highly *Romantic *...which he is. 

This was HIS choice... it was never something I asked for.... Hell, I didn't even know he felt that way [email protected]#$%^&


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

SA, I really do admire your optimistic nature and your steadfast defensive loyalty towards your husband in all regards. And you know him best, so if you believe him that's really all that matters. 

But my practical and realistic nature side wants to also say something regarding this:



SimplyAmorous said:


> ...& asked over over to tell me the truth, don't lie, he swore it...


As I've told you, my wife and your husband seriously sound like the same person in almost every aspect... There are literally so many instances that make them similar that it's almost disturbing... like they're brother and sister! And as I've also mentioned here, my wife, as much as I know she truly loves me, continues to lie to me about masturbation in our 14 years of knowing each other. She has denied it every single time despite me telling her I caught her once and despite me reassuring her that I don't have any problem with masturbation, and that she can be free with her sexuality with me (and I want her to be).

My point is, for whatever reason, my wife has this shame about masturbation, and this shame prevents her from being honest and open with me about it. In fact, her shame is so great that she even swore to me ON OUR MARRIAGE that she doesn't masturbate, which is just crazy... and it's because of that I was FORCED to tell her I believe her, even though I really don't.

I forgive my wife for lying to me and for swearing on our marriage... her shame is obviously so deep and strong that it's worth swearing on our marriage over. If that secrecy is so important to her then it's not worth the drama trying to press the issue with her and fighting over honesty and openness, when really, it's just masturbation... its not worth fighting over anyway, because its her business and I really don't need to know.

But I must also say that had I not caught my wife masturbating, I would STILL BELIEVE her to this day thinking she really doesn't... because it's just my word against hers without proof.

So my point in all this is that believe it or not, spouses do lie for whatever reasons. We are all human, we all have our secrets and our personal hang-ups, and THAT IS OKAY, because nobody is perfect.

I'm a "grain of salt" kinda person myself... I'm too practical and realistic in my view on mankind to believe everything I'm told. And thus my take on everything is, consider the possibilities of the other side of the equation... the side that you don't know (because you have no proof).

Boy, I hope your hubby doesn't hate me after this post!!!! Because at the end of the day, I do think he's a wonderful guy and husband to you (just like my wife is also wonderful)


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*

My husband and I have a "no masterbation without permission" policy. We do this so that we both have to check in with the other FIRST, so that the other can decide to either join in, watch, assist, or just have sex instead. If the permission to masterbate is granted, then great, have at it! The only time it is not granted is when the other says "hey lets do it mutually!" or another great suggestion for both of us to get sex instead of going solo.

A few times I have mentioned this and people have said "no way, all men masterbate, he is lying if he says he isn't".

But I know better because holding all of our sexual energy out for each other is really great, and transparency is easy when you have nothing to hide.

(please note: I'm not suggesting that anyone should do a plan like ours...I'm just saying, I fully believe your husband doesn't do it).


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



Faithful Wife said:


> My husband and I have a "no masterbation without permission" policy. We do this so that we both have to check in with the other FIRST, so that the other can decide to either join in, watch, assist, or just have sex instead. If the permission to masterbate is granted, then great, have at it! The only time it is not granted is when the other says "hey lets do it mutually!" or another great suggestion for both of us to get sex instead of going solo.
> 
> *A few times I have mentioned this and people have said* "*no way, all men masterbate, he is lying if he says he isn't".*










for Posting this Faithful Wife... I have also seen it ...and I know when I say these things... men are automatically thinking I am too trusting, gullible & just a Naive wife for saying what I am.. but damn it - it's true. I know full well how rare this is [email protected]#$%^ Even for myself -let alone a MAN....I remember saying to him ..."HOW THE HELL DID YOU do that... I couldn'[email protected]#$%" and made a big hoopla about it. It was the craziest conversation learning that. 

We have no policies though... we just* thrive* on being together...which is something else we learned that night... as I I told him I wanted him EVERY TIME I did that... I was just trying to be considerate in NOT waking him up. 

IF ONLY...we just talked / opened up earlier in our marriage... that would have been all that was needed :banghead:... I'd like to believe our crazy story can be a wake up call for some who SHY away from "SEX TALK" ...... Had I KNEW he was waiting on me like that... Oh my..... this would have played out very differently. A sorrowful "Live & Learn" on this one.











> *But I know better because* *holding all of our sexual energy out for each other is really great, and transparency is easy when you have nothing to hide*.










We, too, want to bestow every faucet of energy & passion, saving it for each other....he's told me if he could, we'd go at it 3 times a day... but ya know...the gear shift needs a rest. But yeah, we want to reserve it all for each other. 

It's like the words of this song I love >>







All Over Again - Ronan Keating


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Am I being Whiny - Are my sexual expectations TOO HIGH ? Husband can not do "ROUG*



> My husband and I have a "no masterbation without permission" policy


=/
Wow... yet, come to think of it, this could actually work!

I still remembered the times when my wife exploded when she caught me masturbating while she's in the house - usually after fights and the "cold shoulder" phase. For her for me to do that sometimes is like cheating on her with my hand -.-

But that's normally one way to end silent treatments too I guess lol


----------

