# Rebuilding Trust & Forgiveness



## Charmlady (Feb 29, 2012)

I will give you the short version of the story.... Been with my husband 3 yrs before we married (now married 6 months)...we have been going through some issues (have not resolved them yet)....I have had a gut feeling (womens intuition) that something is off, not right (besides our issues). He takes his sons (2 sons, ages 18 and 20) out of town on a trip to see his granddaughter for the weekend... He plans this for a thur-sun trip (party for granddaughter was sat), so am thinking, something not quite right here....Called him on friday evening for 3 hrs, couldnt reach him by cell phone or text messages...Call the hotel they are staying at, his 20 yr old has no idea where he is...hmmmm not looking good. So while he is gone, I opened his bank statement, only to find a charge from an online dating service that was charged last month. Of course I am hurt, pissed, all the emotions (he doesnt know I found it). After a few phone calls the next day, he calls me and says "How could you think I would cheat on you?" Hmmmm funny you should ask. So I tell him what I found. First he flat out lies, says its not mine, I didnt do it (yeah right) then he he says he did it cuz he was pissed at me, and wanted to see if I would snoop and find it.. (yeah right) and then finally admits to it, but says he deleted it the very next day. Here's the kicker.. This site you join (create a profile) for free, but to communicate with other members you must pay (hence the charge). He claims he never did this, the next day he deleted the profile and canceled it. I am needless to say, outraged, regardless of our issues, this is no way to fix them, by hooking up with someone else. He says he is sorry and he loves me, but how do I trust him now and how to forgive him and move on? He has stated he only had the profile up 1 day before he deleted it, but how do I know this? Any advice or thoughts?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes, he is trickle truthing you and still lying. Until the lies stop, you cant begin working on building trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Charmlady (Feb 29, 2012)

Shaggy
I have two issues with the whole thing - 1. That he did this at all (no matter how mad he was at me) and 2. That he lied to me when I first asked about it. It was like ****, she caught me, since I had the bank statement right in front of me, he knew he had been had... which just makes me wonder what else he is lying about.
The question is - how do you rebuild trust or can you?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Very personal decision. You both have to want to rebuild; personally, that would be enough for me to send him packing his bags. There are three things that have happened. One, the fact that he did it in the first place, two, he lied when caught, and three, he had the audacity to blame YOU for what he did.

Do not put up with this crap.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Rebuilding isn't possible without complete openness & honesty and at this point, it doesn't look like you have either from H. 

I'm with Candiegirl.......his bags would have been packed and on the curb waiting for him when he got home.


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## Charmlady (Feb 29, 2012)

I hear ya ladies....it was all I could do NOT to throw his **** out on the front lawn....but I do take my marriage vows seriously and do love him... just a matter of can I trust him? And as women, we all know we don't give 100% unless we feel we can trust the person we are with.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

He's already answered your question for you......NO! 

Doesn't sound like he takes his VOWS as seriously as you do! To make this marriage/relationship work you both NEED to be on the same page.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Charmlady said:


> I hear ya ladies....it was all I could do NOT to throw his **** out on the front lawn....but I do take my marriage vows seriously and do love him... just a matter of can I trust him? And as women, we all know we don't give 100% unless we feel we can trust the person we are with.


I take mine seriously as well, but there are certain things, like cheating (or attempting to) that are non-negotiable. 

Ask yourself what your husband would be doing if you'd signed up for on line dating, tried to hook up, and been caught? He'd probably be going insane on you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

My biggest red flag is that he did this just 6 months after the wedding! What's he going to do when you have a fight 6 years from now? Hire a harem?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Kick him to the curb. If he doesn't come grovelling back, don't ever let him back. HE is the one who should be pursuing YOU. HE fvcked up royally and should be doing everything he can to make things right.


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## mrshighlyfavored (Mar 4, 2012)

Just an opinion.....you have to decide if you can deal with that or not. Can you look at him for the rest of your marriage and not think about it or bring it up. Do you need to go to counseling? That is very early in a marriage to have this type of problem.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You say "regardless of the issues"...what are the issues? I assume lack of sex ?


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

First of all, I find it funny that he decides to join an online dating thing just because, "he's mad at you". That's a "merry" excuse if you ask me!!

My cheating ex used to throw that one at me all time, "Well, you were being a ***** that night so I did it just to piss you off.."

Yeah sure.

Female intuition isn't that far off. If I were you...I'd play it cool for awhile..not confront him..and watch the cell phone bill for numbers (you can check them for free online to see where they're coming from..along with his text messages..two of the ways I caught my cheating ex hubby), but also online chat sessions. Lay low as men that are cheating tend to get lazy and eventually he'll probably leave a chat session up and running.

The more you tell him that you're onto him..the more he can change his chat name, create new email addresses, etc. as I was stupid enough to confront my ex every single time I caught him cheating while he denied it..while changing his yahoo emails all the time. I finally got smart and pretended to believe his lies and finally caught him red handed.

Do your homework!! And if he is cheating..or even did cheat..you have some serious issues to work out even if he says he loves you.

Every man is different and when I caught my ex, he too told me that he loved me and would never do it again and I was stupid enough to believe him while he learned how to cover his tracks even further.

The thing is..even when I believed the fact that he loved me..there was always that doubt. He'd cheated once and I knew it and even though he told me he'd never do it again..the trust was shot. Every time he was late coming from work, everytime he told me he was running to something as simple as the grocery store, I felt like I had to go with him simply because I didn't trust him.

He was the type of guy that liked to go out with his friends and shoot pool now and then and I never had a problem with that, but all of a sudden I felt like I had to go along and "babysit" to make sure he was where he said he was. He shot on a pool team and all of a sudden I felt like I had to again..be there every Wednesday night to make sure that if the guys stayed late after league..that my hubby was out with me and the guys.

It got to the point of being absolutely ridiculous as again..I couldn't even trust him enough when he said he was goinng to the grocery store.

It ruined our marriage..or rather..HE ruined our marriage as he never put his mind to even WANTING to be trusted. Maybe your hubby is different, but it'll take a very very long time before you even feel comfortable no matter WHERE he goes as there will always be that question in the back of your mind.

I hope you can save your marriage as I'm a big believer in marital vows, yet once they're broken...it's really really tough.

Good luck to you..hang in there.


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