# Sexual Aversion due to physical abuse...advice please. :)



## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

Thank you for taking time to read my story. I married a man who had an anger problem. For 13 years I endured physical abuse. Not beating type but hitting of arms and legs or throwing things at me. I began to dislike him and did not want him to touch me. Did not want to have sexwith him,although I did out of obligation at least twice a week. I had sexual desires but did not want to be with him. I developed an aversion toward him. I endured the marriage in hopes as he got older,he would mature. It did not happen. He progressively worsened. I finally reached quitting point. We separated for a year and a half. Finally divorced. Whereupon I felt free and began to heal. We decided to try again for the children,to have a family unit,got remarried,only for me to have all my old feelings triggered when his childish ways and bad temper resurfaced. We separated again. Has been about a year. During the divorce,I dated other men. No problems in the sexual department. So my aversion is toward him due to the abuse during our entire marriage. Here is where I need advice. He really wants to be a family. He took a 4 month abuse class,how to handle anger properly. I can see some changes in him. He expects me to show affection toward him now,and tells me he will never hit me again. He says he has needs and that we should start showing affection again. My problem is that I still feel an aversion toward him and very afraid to show affection with him. I would like to feel different,I would like to be a family. It would be so much easier, but I just cannot seem to heal to the point to kiss him or let him touch me. Any advice will be gr
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you are back living with him?

You cannot turn on desire to have sex with him. IF the two of you work together you might be able to turn this around. Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

No. Still separated. Thank u. Will look for your links. Do not see any from my cell...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

How do you suggest we work together when he gets mad that I do not reciprocate his affection? That scares me & he doesn't understand...
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He is an abuser and isn't changing, even he's lost you numerous times.

He won't change. Leave him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I also agree with that_girl.

You can do things to try to fix the marriage... but few abusers ever change. It's probably not worth your effort.


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

But ppl can change. Its just that he evidently hasn't changed enough for me personally or I cannot heal to the point to overcome sexual aversion toward him. He has a lot of good qualities, a good provider, seems big hearted, is willing to spend lots of time together, he's a good father, he's clean, intelligent, nice looking, a good lover (yet his tenderness in bed made me feel mental bc his treatment during daytime hours did not match). But all the good qualities do not erase my damage & fear. I honestly do not know if he's changed & I am afraid to let myself find out... 
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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

But I really really do not want another woman being my kids mother! He will marry fast. I do believe. He's the type who can't stand to be alone. We have joint custody & the woman he chooses will be with my kids as much as me. That kills me. If I cld overcome my sexual aversion & make him feel loved, it might work and we could be a family. He says he loves me & wants to be a family. He has not been abusive in a year. Says he never will be bc he wants his family. He says for me to give him a chance to prove it. That I could leave again if he crosses any boundary. We've been spending time together. I can sense he's trying. He just gets very upset that I keep my distance from him & do not reciprocate his affections. I don't know how to make myself tho...
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luvinlife said:


> No. Still separated. Thank u. Will look for your links. Do not see any from my cell...


The links are to three books written by Dr. Harley.


To Create A Passionate Marriage

Five Steps to Romantic Love
His Needs, Her Needs 
Love Busters


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luvinlife said:


> How do you suggest we work together when he gets mad that I do not reciprocate his affection? That scares me & he doesn't understand...


You can start by making unilateral changes.....

You cannot change another person.. you can only change how you interact with them. When you change... he will have to change. You cannot control how he changes, but maybe it will be in a good way.

Another good book to read is Divorce Busting. The books talks a lot about how to use unilateral changes to get your marriage to change.

Now, after giving that info I have to say I am concerned about you getting back with him. You are afraid of him... you should not move back in with him until he has earned your trust. Be careful Abusers are controllers... Watch to see if he excalates if you do not do what he wants. If he does.. then he has not made any real changes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luvinlife said:


> But I really really do not want another woman being my kids mother! He will marry fast. I do believe. He's the type who can't stand to be alone. We have joint custody & the woman he chooses will be with my kids as much as me. That kills me. If I cld overcome my sexual aversion & make him feel loved, it might work and we could be a family. He says he loves me & wants to be a family. He has not been abusive in a year. Says he never will be bc he wants his family. He says for me to give him a chance to prove it. That I could leave again if he crosses any boundary. We've been spending time together. I can sense he's trying. He just gets very upset that I keep my distance from him & do not reciprocate his affections. I don't know how to make myself tho...


Find a place near you that gives counseling for victims of domestic abuse/violence. The two of you can get marriage and individual counseling there. Tell them what you want to do... rebuild your marriage without the violence and abuse. I am sure that they have techniques they can teach you to do.

They might also have a sex therapist who can work with you. Just keep in mind that your reaction to the abuse.. pulling away and not wanting sex is a self protection. You are seeking to override your natural self protection. This is why you are having trouble trusting him... .he has not completely earned back your trust.

There are some things you could do.... like make sure you have a bank account in your name only so that you can leave if you feel the need to. Make sure that you keep copies of every bit of financial info and personal paperwork for your entire family, to include him in a safe place (not your home). Keep a bag packed for you and the kids should you need to leave in an emergency. 

If you felt safer... like you can run if you need to and get to a safe place you might feel much stronger and thus much safer.

What other things do you need from him and in your life to feel safer?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

OP you are breaking my heart... I've been in your shoes. 

I was married to an abusive man for 11 years -- the abuse started 2 years into our marriage. I miscarried a child after an argument escalated to the point that the police came. He went through a court ordered 52-week counseling program, and I was sure it would be enough. It wasn't... he became abusive again. Once our son was born he realized what he was jeopardizing so instead of physical abuse he emotionally and verbally abused me for years. I finally walked out by way of an exit affair (not smart BTW). He went crazy, was threatening me, and I ended up having him legally removed from the home. 

I had an aversion to him as well for years... It never, ever came back after he hit me. After he became abusive I completely lost the ability to O during sex with him; I could only do it myself. Even after I left him and was with someone else it took a long time, lots of talking, and trust building. 

I have been through a lot of counseling -- including a 16-wk program offered through the YWCA... Abusers are all about power and control - please don't let him have any further power or control over you. You and your children deserve to have a positive relationship. Please stay away from him...


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

luvinlife said:


> But I really really do not want another woman being my kids mother! He will marry fast. I do believe. He's the type who can't stand to be alone. We have joint custody & the woman he chooses will be with my kids as much as me. That kills me. If I cld overcome my sexual aversion & make him feel loved, it might work and we could be a family. He says he loves me & wants to be a family. He has not been abusive in a year. Says he never will be bc he wants his family. He says for me to give him a chance to prove it. That I could leave again if he crosses any boundary. We've been spending time together. I can sense he's trying. He just gets very upset that I keep my distance from him & do not reciprocate his affections. I don't know how to make myself tho...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What makes you think another woman would stay with him as long as you have/did? Have you not already given him a chance to prove it? His actions eg: "getting very upset" are already showing you that he is not changing. 

You do not feel safe or feel that you can trust him at all. I am not surprised that you are not attracted to him. No spark, no fire. 

How many time are you going to leave and go back before you are done for good?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Was the abuse ever documented? Who has primary custody right now? I assume that your husband has the kids with him and you moved out. Even back during the first separation and divorce, did you husband have primary custody? Based on your posts, it sounds like the kids are with their dad. If he has such big problems with temper and is abusive, then why are the kids with him. Am I missing something?


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

Awww Pepper123. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm at the point now tho that we have been through separation for so long, that maybe he is telling the truth, and has changed. He's active in religion too and studies the Bible with the kids, attends religious services. He seems to have made changes, but I am so burned by so many years of forgiving and him not changing, I am scared to find out the hard way. Or maybe it would be a good marriage this time, if I could just forgive and reciprocate his affection. He never gives up in trying to be nice to me, but he was nice during our marriage then BAM he would have a meltdown and hit me or throw something at me. He dated a woman when we divorced, she is a gold digger (I know. I was friends with her for 10 years and tried to be a good friend, she sought my advice on things constantly) I did not want her to be my children's step mom. Which is a strong reason why I decided to work things out with him again. I think she is waiting on us to divorce again. lol I really do. So me being with my kids 24/7 and working things out with him is an option I need to try but I just can't get myself to show affection with him, which to him would serve as proof that I am giving myself to this commitment.


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Was the abuse ever documented? Who has primary custody right now? I assume that your husband has the kids with him and you moved out. Even back during the first separation and divorce, did you husband have primary custody? Based on your posts, it sounds like the kids are with their dad. If he has such big problems with temper and is abusive, then why are the kids with him. Am I missing something?


We have joint custody. Yes, abuse was documented. I could have taken full custody but he was good to them and could not do that to him or them. The kids are with me more, but it is joint custody.


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> What makes you think another woman would stay with him as long as you have/did? Have you not already given him a chance to prove it? His actions eg: "getting very upset" are already showing you that he is not changing.
> 
> You do not feel safe or feel that you can trust him at all. I am not surprised that you are not attracted to him. No spark, no fire.
> 
> How many time are you going to leave and go back before you are done for good?



You could be right. But if you read above post where I explained that him and one of our mutual friends dated and I believe she is waiting on us to divorce so they can reunite. Even if that does not transpire. I think he'll have no problem finding a woman, as he is handsome and makes good money. And I will have to deal with relinquishing my motherhood to another woman half of the time. That bothers me. Your stat really made me think. I can't make myself give up when I think there might be a chance he has really changed and would not hit me. I would like to be a family. I just cannot reciprocate his affection even though he seems to be trying. Thank you for your input!!!


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

If you wanted my honest opinion I would tell you to get majority custody, and get divorced. Have you ever heard that saying, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" It is true. I know you want to keep your family together; I've been there... I know what it feels like to not want anyone else to mother your children... But you are doing them know favors by showing them that it is okay to be treated this way. Every time you take him back you just perpetuate that logic even further. 

If you feel a need to try (which I strongly advise against) please get yourself into both IC and group counseling... the support of other women that understand you is vital to your recovery, and IC is needed for you to deal with your trust issues and self esteem. Also, read the book ''Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.
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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

luvinlife said:


> You could be right. But if you read above post where I explained that him and one of our mutual friends dated and I believe she is waiting on us to divorce so they can reunite. Even if that does not transpire. I think he'll have no problem finding a woman, as he is handsome and makes good money. And I will have to deal with relinquishing my motherhood to another woman half of the time. That bothers me. Your stat really made me think. I can't make myself give up when I think there might be a chance he has really changed and would not hit me. I would like to be a family. I just cannot reciprocate his affection even though he seems to be trying. Thank you for your input!!!


Your welcome. It might surprise you to know that many women would have left him at the first sign of physical abuse. With his new women in the wings he is on his best behavior. She would probably be very conflicted if you told her you were leaving him due to his inability to overcome his temper and physical abuse. You will not have to relinquish your mother hood as your children know who their real mother is and always will. Certainly they will be cared for by someone else part time but your children may look at her as some kind of nanny. As far as getting your feelings of desire and lust back for your husband it sounds like you do not wish to trust yourself with opening up to it as you've been burned a few times before. The more times this happens the harder it will be each time to get those feeling again. Just ask people who have been sexually rejected by their partners time and time again. Eventually the act of asking becomes difficult as the rejection is almost expected and they feel foolish for opening themselves up to yet another painful experience.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> he is an abuser and isn't changing, even he's lost you numerous times.
> 
> He won't change. Leave him.


exactly!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I don't have much to say other than it seems like you are making choices based on fears or insecurities. That's never going to work out well.


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for advising me. I do appreciate it and the more you give me to think about, the more I can weigh. I am logically stating that I have seen change. All the church members are aware of the abuse. It's public now. He is on notice. He has promised to not hit me again. So what I am directly asking for advise on... is given that I am willing to see if he is telling the truth, how do I reciprocate his affections? I have a MALE friend who has a wife who has been abusive. It does not interfere with his sexual feelings. lol Are men and women different in this way? In fact, I know several men who's wives are abusive and it does not interfere with their sex life. So how can I cause myself to adopt this attitude?! Can anyone answer that? If I could reciprocate his affection, maybe he would feel loved and his anger/pain of being rejected would diminish. And we could start over. I have read those Dr. Harley books. They are good. Very good. But did not help me in my situation... Thanks to all once again!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

luvinlife said:


> He really wants to be a family. He took a 4 month abuse class,how to handle anger properly. I can see some changes in him. He expects me to show affection toward him now,and tells me he will never hit me again. He says he has needs and that we should start showing affection again. My problem is that I still feel an aversion toward him and very afraid to show affection with him. I would like to feel different,I would like to be a family. It would be so much easier, but I just cannot seem to heal to the point to kiss him or let him touch me. Any advice will be gr
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll be the contrarian here. I believe in free will. So, I think that your husband is capable of repenting and being a good man in the future. I understand your wanting to try to be a family for your kids. It would be great if you could.

As for what to do, I think you have to just do some aversion therapy. Do things that make you uncomfortable to show yourself that things are different. I'm not saying to throw on some lingerie and go to town. Give him a peck on the cheek, hold his hand, or give him a hug. It won't kill you. Once you can get comfortable with that, you can take the next step. Perhaps you can become comfortable showing him love and affection again.

Hopefully, your husband will be understanding because it will take quite a while for you two to be as comfortable with each other as married people should be.

But I think you need to take some action. So far, you've agreed to try again, but you're refusing to really do it. You either need to really try, or give up and let each of you move on.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

If he's truly remorseful as you state he is and he really wants you back then he should be prepared to give you time to heal... His classes should have taught him that his actions would have consequences and that for you to respond with similar urges of affection would take time. If he's been physically and verbally abusing you in the past, that's the minimum he should do to show he's changed, right? To show that he's no longer angry, restless, impatient etc... 

The very fact that he's not able to understand your need for time to heal...your need for time to undo the resentment - reflects his underlying impatience/restlessness... 

By the way, angry people are generally uniformly angry... i.e. angry with some and angrier with others...
I find it quite strange that he's capable of being calm with the children and yet so short-tempered against you... what about you was he so angry about in the past, if I may ask?


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I'll be the contrarian here. I believe in free will. So, I think that your husband is capable of repenting and being a good man in the future. I understand your wanting to try to be a family for your kids. It would be great if you could.
> 
> As for what to do, I think you have to just do some aversion therapy. Do things that make you uncomfortable to show yourself that things are different. I'm not saying to throw on some lingerie and go to town. Give him a peck on the cheek, hold his hand, or give him a hug. It won't kill you. Once you can get comfortable with that, you can take the next step. Perhaps you can become comfortable showing him love and affection again.
> 
> ...


I agree. It's just so hard when he pressures me to do it, then it pushes me away! It would take great humility on my part to reciprocate when I would do so if he caused me to feel those feelings. If I abused someone and made them feel an aversion, I might say, "I am truly sorry, and I will respect your healing, I will focus on other aspects until you feel comfortable." But he is more, "How much longer til you will kiss me? A month? two months?" He's all about time frame questions which make me feel pinned in and forced...


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

Zing said:


> If he's truly remorseful as you state he is and he really wants you back then he should be prepared to give you time to heal... His classes should have taught him that his actions would have consequences and that for you to respond with similar urges of affection would take time. If he's been physically and verbally abusing you in the past, that's the minimum he should do to show he's changed, right? To show that he's no longer angry, restless, impatient etc...
> 
> The very fact that he's not able to understand your need for time to heal...your need for time to undo the resentment - reflects his underlying impatience/restlessness...
> 
> ...


I agree with all you said. His anger began in first few months of marriage, so my love did not grow and the aversion set in immediately. I did not want to be in his company yet he wanted me in his company. It was a vicious cycle of his anger pushing me away and my not reciprocating his feelings making him angry. He never complained about me, he's always said good things about me. Good mom, intelligent, attractive, hard working, good housekeeper. His main two complaints were that I did not show him affection and that I did not communicate well with him. I will agree with those two things. I did not want to show him affection and I was always nervous in his presence to communicate to I basically shut down and did not listen well to him. If I were with a normal person, I would communicate better. But I do have ADD and have to already force myself to listen. If someone exhibits anger, I do not respond well. If someone is calm and reasonable, like I endeavor to be, I am likewise. I can submit this piece of evidence. All my friends and family tell me I am easy going and calm by nature. Many friends and many people who have sought my advice over the years b/c I listen and communicate well. Thank you for advising me!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

luvinlife said:


> Awww Pepper123. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm at the point now tho that we have been through separation for so long, that maybe he is telling the truth, and has changed. He's active in religion too and studies the Bible with the kids, attends religious services. He seems to have made changes, but I am so burned by so many years of forgiving and him not changing, I am scared to find out the hard way. Or maybe it would be a good marriage this time, if I could just forgive and reciprocate his affection. He never gives up in trying to be nice to me, but he was nice during our marriage then BAM he would have a meltdown and hit me or throw something at me. He dated a woman when we divorced, she is a gold digger (I know. I was friends with her for 10 years and tried to be a good friend, she sought my advice on things constantly) I did not want her to be my children's step mom. Which is a strong reason why I decided to work things out with him again. I think she is waiting on us to divorce again. lol I really do. So me being with my kids 24/7 and working things out with him is an option I need to try but I just can't get myself to show affection with him, which to him would serve as proof that I am giving myself to this commitment.


Ms L,

I am sorry for all the torment you have suffered; but, you need to come to reality. If you want to be a family as you say,then you will have to show affection and try to develop an intimate relationship. If you can't do this, then realize that another woman will take your place. It really is as simple as that. You will never know if your relationship will work unless you try.

Quite frankly, I would never have gotten back with him myself; but, this half way, undecided position you are currently in is not good for the kids, you, or him. "Fake it til you make it or break it."


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Ms L,
> 
> I am sorry for all the torment you have suffered; but, you need to come to reality. If you want to be a family as you say,then you will have to show affection and try to develop an intimate relationship. If you can't do this, then realize that another woman will take your place. It really is as simple as that. You will never know if your relationship will work unless you try.
> 
> Quite frankly, I would never have gotten back with him myself; but, this half way, undecided position you are currently in is not good for the kids, you, or him. "Fake it til you make it or break it."


Thank you for commenting. I agree with you. It would just be better and easier if he did not pressure me. I have sexual feelings as well, and he has hindered them for multiple years. I need to see that he has self-control and is not selfish and demanding. If I cannot see that happen after explaining it over and over then I presume I just cannot reciprocate. But sad that a family has to not remain intact b/c of those reasons...


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You're family would not be intact because you have residual PTSD / trust issues from traumatic events... Read: abuse from someone that above all promised to lo e and proect you.) The lack of sexual feelings are only a result of that. 

Seriously... Talk this over with an IC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luvinlife said:


> Thank you for commenting. I agree with you. It would just be better and easier if he did not pressure me. I have sexual feelings as well, and he has hindered them for multiple years. I need to see that he has self-control and is not selfish and demanding. If I cannot see that happen after explaining it over and over then I presume I just cannot reciprocate. But sad that a family has to not remain intact b/c of those reasons...


There is a chance that if you start to have sex with him that your feeling would turn around due to the body chemistry changes brought on from the sex.. the bonding homones do a lot to help couples get through hard times. 

So the idea of faking it until you make it does make some sense. And if he has truely turned a leaf over time the trust would grow.


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## luvinlife (Dec 5, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> You're family would not be intact because you have residual PTSD / trust issues from traumatic events... Read: abuse from someone that above all promised to lo e and proect you.) The lack of sexual feelings are only a result of that.
> 
> Seriously... Talk this over with an IC.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. what's an IC? I don't know the abbreviations on this website... @[email protected]


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luvinlife said:


> Thank you. what's an IC? I don't know the abbreviations on this website... @[email protected]


IC = Individual counselor
MC = marriage counselor


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