# My wife is resisting looking at the intimacy of our relationship?



## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

Sorry for the long post, but I’m trying to save my 21 year marriage from falling apart and want to give the background. 
I finally realise that i must take action on the recurring issue we have in a lack of intimacy in our relationship. 

The first 6 months when we met were great sexually and then something changed. We make love (she describes it as having sex) infrequently (monthly perhaps) apart from when we go away without the kids and then she loosens up. This has led us to having major rows every year or so – she thinks we row about the lack of sex, I think its about lack of intimacy. Our relationship apart from the intimacy is wonderful and I still see her as the most beautiful woman spiritually, physically and emotionally. I want to be with her for the rest of my days.
I take some responsibility for things getting to this point in that i have been emotionally selfish due to my screwed up beliefs and subsequent behaviour. This has resulted in me being manipulative in getting my own way. I’ve had therapy over the past few years and done a lot of personal searching and development. Sometimes, i wonder why she has stuck with me all these years as i haven’t been easy.

I like to think this has changed over the last 6 months, and am now far more the strong assertive man, not the needy little boy. However, she is an emotionally strong woman (perhaps had to be) and is now finding it hard to let her defences down. When we have rows she says i need to trust her 100%, that she won’t leave me and she’s never been unfaithful and than in the next breath she says she would never trust a man 100% as nothing in life is uncertain (perhaps that has fuelled my insecurity over the years). I asked her this morning how can she say one thing and totally contradict herself in the next sentence? I’ve always felt she holds back that last bit emotionally as a defence mechanism because of this “belief” so she won’t get hurt- the irony is the way we are heading this is what will happen.

I can’t seem to get though to her (apart from using a sledgehammer) that I’m at the end of my tether re the lack of intimacy and am not prepared to go through the rest of this physical life without the deep intimate connection we lack. When i asked her what is she afraid of she says going through the pain of separating, as deep down she thinks we are mismatched. I don’t think we are, otherwise we would have not lasted 23 years together. 

She spoke with her best friend who does not have the best of relationships and got the response that i was being unreasonable. I said it would be better if she asked a couple who had a wonderful relationship as the response may be different.

How do i get my wife to open up just a little without her feeling pressurised and then resentful? Thanks for any help as i so much want to spend the rest of my days with her.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

thinflyer said:


> I can’t seem to get though to her (apart from using a sledgehammer) *that I’m at the end of my tether *re the lack of intimacy and am not prepared to go through the rest of this physical life without the deep intimate connection we lack. When i asked her what is she afraid of she says going through the pain of separating, as deep down she thinks we are mismatched. I don’t think we are, otherwise we would have not lasted 23 years together.


You're hinting at an ultimatum, but after 23 years, she probably feels it's not for real - you have always backed down in the past. However, I used to believe ultimatums were the way to go until I looked into the subject of your thread more deeply. I wrote up what I found. If you can find anything in there that matches you, you might like to try fixing that first before issuing the final ultimatum.

The problem with ultimatums is that the often work! But then you are left with 2 possibilities:

1) a person who is glad you pushed them into something beneficial to all parties.
2) A person who resents you for winning.

If you fall into group two, you will always be having to issue "booster shots".

I managed to turn my own situation around by being quite "direct" at first, but later on, I realised how much things I complained about were of my own making. See: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/3010-20-years-august-married-18-years.html

I now bend over backwards to make sure I don't repeat my mistakes. Joining TAM has really helped me.


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

thanks Mark for giving me some perspective - a therapist once said you cant force someone to change, only change your behaviour to them and that may influence them in the way they respond - looks like ive missed that bit!

i absoulty agree i need to make big shifts in the way i behave (shes hates scruffy dressers aka me!) i need to be far more attentive and not take her for granted

Im into NLP so see the visual versus kinsthetic issues.

Ill have a read of the Dr Tracy stuff

thanks again

David


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

thinflyer said:


> thanks Mark for giving me some perspective - a therapist once said you cant force someone to change, only change your behaviour to them and that may influence them in the way they respond - looks like ive missed that bit!


It's not a case of "*may* influence them". They have no choice but to react. It may be a favourable reaction, it may not. But in a relationship, if one partner changes their perspective, let alone their actions, that changes the dynamics, and that changes the outcome.

In QM they say the observer affects the experiment. The jury is still out on exactly what that means in a scientific setting, but in relationships perception is everything.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Try the Marriage Fitness Program - Even the free emails helped us. And ask anybody here, we are dang near impossible. 

It really helps rebuilt trust.


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