# Desperately want to save my marriage or am I stupid?



## tamdesp (Mar 28, 2014)

Friends,

I wish I had found this website right after D-Day. My wife and I have been married for over 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. D-Day was mid-January when I found out by snooping on her laptop that she was having an affair with a single guy who is a common friend that lasted for about 2 months. Needless to say, my life shattered that very moment. She wanted to meet him the very next day to call it off and break all contact. Although she met him, she did not break contact immediately and asked if she could do it slowly to which I very hesitatingly agreed for the fear of losing her permanently. I had not read any of the forums, so I had no clue on how to react and I was extremely depressed and not thinking straight. In the following days, she did not show much remorse and would sometimes leave me home to cry alone while she went to work. A few days later she gave me the impression that contact was broken and I had been given access to all her accounts and phone. 3 weeks later I caught them near our home in a restaurant. The fool that I was, I forgave her again since she promised that day to do whatever it takes to mend our marriage. She resorted to using new methods to chat with him which I found a couple of days later. Again she promised that she will not talk to him ever again and break all contact. I requested that she unfriend him from Facebook to which she turned furious stating that it was not her principle to unfriend people from Facebook. I forced her to do it anyways, but she blocked my privileges to her accounts and laptop. that was 2 weeks ago but now based on her actions of leaving the phone in a common area, I am starting to think that she has broken contact, but I am not convinced 100%. Sometimes I feel that I should approach OM and ask him if my wife had contacted him as I do not trust my wife anymore. I did not expose the affair to anyone and the reason that I didn’t is because, if we end-up separating I would rather that she have some support from her friends and family. OM does not have any family in this city.

Since D-day she has been at home at all times except when she is at work. She cooks at home everyday and we eat and watch TV together and spend a lot of time with our daughter. We sleep on the same bed and she hugs me couple of times a day while leaving for work. She latches on to plenty of petty negative things about our M and lingers on how that has affected her and claims that she tried to "mend our M" before the affair. She claims that she is still with me because she wants the M to work, but continues to blame the affair on the lack of attention that I gave her. This is complete BS since I am always at home and dedicate my non-work time for my family. I have provided her with the best this world has to offer. I am a very involved husband and father and love taking care of our daughter and spending time with the family. 

She also claims that OM is not in the picture and has moved on and she is not interested in marrying him. I have initiated marriage counseling on 2 occasions, but we did not end-up going as she is not convinced about the process. Her other path is to be a single mom but she is not confident about that either. I have recommended that she consider individual counseling. It is difficult for me to see her in this state. I am torn, but have started implementing 180. I did overhear her conversation with her friend where she was bad mouthing me and something about a mental date that she has given to herself to “work it out” with me. She hasn't shared any of that with me. 

My wife is friendly with a lot of men and seeks plenty of attention which makes me think that she may be suffering from Histrionic personality disorder. I really love my wife and want to be a happy family again. Really confused on what to do next. Part of me wants to hand her the papers and part of me wants to wait for her to make up her mind either way. I need help desperately.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

tamdesp said:


> Friends,
> 
> *Part of me wants to hand her the papers *


Listen to that part of you. You are better off without her. Read through what you have posted. She has not only disrespected you but played you for a fool. Love is only worth something when the person you love is worth it. She's not worth love, loyalty and definitely not trust. 

You may try to fix this marriage but at the end, she'll dump you anyway. You have shown yourself as a weak man. An OM would definitely seem a more attractive catch for her. Initiate divorce and play dirty.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WhiteRaven said:


> Listen to that part of you. You are better off without her. Read through what you have posted. She has not only disrespected you but played you for a fool. Love is only worth something when the person you love is worth it. She's not worth love, loyalty and definitely not trust.
> 
> You may try to fix this marriage but at the end, she'll dump you anyway. You have shown yourself as a weak man. An OM would definitely seem a more attractive catch for her. Initiate divorce and play dirty.


Divorce her and DNA test your kid this may be one of many rodeos my friend.
And yes you are looking very weak now giving her second and third chances.
You should have put your foot down when she changed the passwords.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

When you have time read other threads notice the ones that have failed tried to nice the bs back.
It never works you have to be willing to end the marriage to have any chance of saving it.
You will understand in time.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Divorce her and DNA test your kid this may be one of many rodeos my friend.


:iagree:

What can be done for this marriage? *Put it down and bury it 6 feet below the ground.*


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Go/think with your brain. She doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

Get STD test as well.....

have all the evidence ready for court!!!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

tamdesp said:


> I wish I had found this website right after D-Day.


I wish that as well, assuming you would have followed the advice you're now going to receive. You've made a lot of mistakes, but that's not unusual for a BS when they're in this situation. But you need to correct those mistakes. You need to do a re-set with your wife.

You should be up front with her and admit to her that you were devastated and confused after you found out she was cheating and that you regret how you reacted. But now that you've had some time to process what she did, you've had a change of heart and you need more time to decide what you're going to do.

I'm not suggesting that you have to divorce her. That will depend on her. But she *must* receive and accept all due consequences for cheating on you. She has to understand, in the pit of her stomach, what it's like to lose her husband for cheating on him. Then she must demonstrate remorse.

First, separate her from your bedroom and implement the 180 to detach from her. Stay away from her and talk to her as little as possible for the next couple of weeks. Talk to an attorney and develop your exit strategy. Because if she doesn't turn around, you have to be willing to go through with a divorce. You have to be willing to end your marriage to have the best chance of saving it. It's just that simple. Not easy, but simple.

During the next few weeks you'll be making your decision on whether to R or continue on with the D, based on how she responds.

Some basic must-do's while in this process:

Expose her. Don't tell her you're doing it. Expose her to your family, her family and to the POSOM's SO if he has one. I would strongly urge you to post him on cheaterville.com. Don't contact the POSOM.

Tell her that while you're trying to decide what to do, if she wants a chance to save this marriage, she must do the following:

Stop contact with POSOM immediately and send him a no contact letter that you read and approve of. No sentiments allowed.

She becomes completely transparent. She will give you all her passwords and complete access to her computer, tablet and phone. She accounts for her time away from you. No more communications with opposite sex friends. No GNO's. 

She demonstrates to you, with every word and every action, that she is remorseful for what she has done to you and this family. She gives you the complete truth about what happened, and will answer any question you have about the A, at any time.

If she fails to accept the exposure or fails to meet "any" of your requirements; and I mean "any", she's made the decision for you. But don't react in anger. You tell her you're sorry that she chooses that path. Then you carry on with a hard 180, and keep going through with the D process; until either she turns around completely or the D is final.

If she does turn around, then you have a "starting" point to consider R. But only that. Make no promises to her and continue to judge her remorse going forward. You can certainly change your mind if you're not convinced of this in the future.

If you follow this advice, you will have the best chance to save your marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Darling, woman to man advice here:
Your wife doesn't respect you. Heck, I read your post and I don't respect you. I know it hurts but you have shown no strength here: "leaving me to cry alone". Are you freaking kidding me? That's exactly what you should do: cry alone. She left the house because she thought you were pathetic.....you've really got to man up and show her the door. In front of her you show strength! 

She likes a lot of male attention and isn't marriage material, and as long as she's married to a doormat that is willing to overlook everything because he's deparate to save the marriage she has no incentive to become marriage material. Until the one that's desperate to save the marriage is her it's a lost cause. She won't even get that chance until she sees you're ready to lose it.
Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Darling, woman to man advice here:
> Your wife doesn't respect you. Heck, I read your post and I don't respect you. I know it hurts but you have shown no strength here: "leaving me to cry alone". Are you freaking kidding me? That's exactly what you should do: cry alone. She left the house because she thought you were pathetic.....you've really got to man up and show her the door. In front of her you show strength!
> 
> *She likes a lot of male attention and isn't marriage material, and as long as she's married to a doormat that is willing to overlook everything because he's deparate to save the marriage she has no incentive to become marriage material. Until the one that's desperate to save the marriage is her it's a lost cause. She won't even get that chance until she sees you're ready to lose it.
> Sorry.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: You gave her many chances, and she f***ed up every one of them. It's only a matter of time until she does this again. In fact, she's probably still in contact (they always find a way, don't they?) with the guy right now under your nose. But so what? She believes that if you find out you'll "forgive" her again and she'll find a way to take this further underground. For the life of me, I don't understand why you're hanging onto her so desperately.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your wife doesn't seem to care about playing within the rules of your marriage and you do. If that's the case, you lose.

When she wanted to ween her way off the affair, you should have refused that and told her to break it off fast and clean.

It's obvious that she has little respect for you and for some reason you willing to bend to her whims. You lose.

She likes attention from other men. That's fine and dandy if she's single but she's not.

What it boils down to is this. Your letting her slide and pretty much call the shots. You lose.

Your wife isn't suffering from Histrionic personality disorder. She's suffering from flat out disrespect and selfishness because you gave her the means to do it.

If it was me, she would not be sharing my bed and honestly, not even living there. If she wants the marriage to work then she better start doing a better job of showing you because so far, she's not doing a very good job of it and maybe if you go get a lawyer, file and hand her the divorce papers, maybe she would see that she over played her hand and is now in serious trouble. If that doesn't wake her up, then send her on her way and find a woman who respects you and has integrity.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

tamdesp said:


> she did not break contact immediately and asked if she could do it slowly to which I very hesitatingly agreed for the fear of losing her permanently.


 She told you to your face that she will continue cheating on you with her affair partner, but will slowly ramp it down, and you said yes. With that she lost all respect for you, and she cannot love someone that she does not respect. Your fear of losing her is why you will lose her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TRy said:


> She told you to your face that she will continue cheating on you with her affair partner, but will slowly ramp it down, and you said yes. With that she lost all respect for you, and she cannot love someone that she does not respect. Your fear of losing her is why you will lose her.


:slap::slap::slap:


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

tamdesp said:


> I really love my wife and want to be a happy family again. Really confused on what to do next. Part of me wants to hand her the papers and part of me wants to wait for her to make up her mind either way. I need help desperately.


You've made all the classical mistakes and it hasn't gotten you anywhere because like you said, you don't really know what you are doing.

The BEST advice to give you is to take the advice people are going to give you. You are not going to like it (or else you'd already be doing it) but it WORKS. You are too close to the situation to clearly understand how the dynamics work in affair situations. It is very irrational and counter-intuitive. Your feelings will sabotage you and turn you into an enabler for the affair. You really have to see this as a addiction because that's how it feels from her POV.

"Nice Guy" doesn't work, "Tough Love" and reverse physiology does. The more desperate you are, the more you will fail. Your saving grace is to give up on saving your M and leave to ball in her court.

Her rejecting you is making her more attractive to you, well it works both ways. You are in a push/pull relationship where to more you want her, the less she wants you. You need to turn the tables on her and get back control (the person that cares the least about the relationship, controls it).

File for a D and let her know you are no longer interested in being married to her. Don't worry about this backfiring, it can't. If she were to agree to D and move on without you then she was going to do it anyway regardless and you just speed up time scale. That RARELY happens, I don't think I ever seen it happen before and I've been on forums like this for years. Don't let fear of losing her control your actions because THAT will backfire.

Look, I don't even like this advice but if I didn't see it work over and over again I wouldn't suggest it. My W filed against me (I was too much of a coward to do it myself) but when it got to finalizing it I pushed it and THAT'S when she wanted to R (for the third time, I "nice guy'd" her back for 2 other false R's).

I've been in R for years now but I would drop her like a hot potato if she even looked at another guy wrong and she knows it. That's one of the reasons I know she'll never pull that stunt again. I have too much self respect now to tolerate that nonsense and having that protects me from getting hurt again.

I must be in a mood today...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here my friend and like many of us when you found out you handled it wrong.

This can really be a take charge moment for you. First of all she lied to you and had an Affair. So how do you know she is telling the truth now?

You need to take charge of this situation.
1. Did you expose? I am betting no. Get that done right away. Let her family and yours know what is going on. If that POSOM has a wife or GF let them know.
2. Get checked for STD's, she used protection right? she is a liar right!
3. This is the big one. File for D right now. She has to know you are ready to walk. If she says yep lets get it done. Then there was no hope. You have to hope she wants to fight it. You have to be willing to end the marriage to rebuild a marriage
4. Go to MC. If she does not want to go. you go anyway. At this point when it comes to marriage and healing her opinion does not count.
5 Read the 180 and do it.

You need to be the Alpha in charge guy right now.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Let me ask you something. Let’s say that you repeatedly robbed banks and were caught sometimes. When you were caught nothing happened to you and you got to keep the money. Would you stop robbing banks?

Other men are fun for your wife. Why would she stop?



tamdesp said:


> She latches on to plenty of petty negative things about our M and lingers on how that has affected her and claims that she tried to "mend our M" before the affair. She claims that she is still with me because she wants the M to work, but continues to blame the affair on the lack of attention that I gave her. This is complete BS since I am always at home and dedicate my non-work time for my family. I have provided her with the best this world has to offer. I am a very involved husband and father and love taking care of our daughter and spending time with the family.


Let me address the above. This is called blame shifting. Everyone likes to think of themselves as a good person. How could a good person have an affair? To stay a good person in her own mind she blames you. She might start with something minor but true and magnify it to justify her actions. She also might just make stuff up.

I know you love your kid but DNA her for sure. You are really testing your wife not your kid. You can tell your wife you are doing it to see her reaction or you can do it secretly. Buy a kit at WalMart or online for $30. You rub the inside of your cheek and your daughter’s with a Q-tip. You mail it to a lab and pay $130 more.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tamdesp,

Good news – you have come to the right place for help.

1) Do not show weakness to your WW anymore.

2) Act confident. You are ready to move on and live a good life without her.

3) Do not engage in relationship talk with her. It is only going to confuse you and distract the two of you from seeing the elephant in the room – she gave her vagina to another man because it felt good to her. It was not not the deal that you signed up for when you married.

4) Your wife has a lot to lose. She will come out of this with a reputation. Warning! Fornicates when frustrated. This real life consequence has not yet hit her.

5) You need mega remorse from her.

6) You have less to lose than you imagine. After all losing a cheating spouse is actually a positive development in your life.

7) Are you in good shape? Hit the gym hard. If you smoke, quit, now. Cut your consumption of alcohol by 2/3's.

8) Get out of your house to meet friends. Run around the track. Go to a movie.

9) When you need strength, think of your child and say that you will be strong for her sake. No, f'ing wuss doormat dad for her. You will be the man. It is possible that 19 years from now she will tell a close friend my parents divorced when I was young when I was 16 I asked my dad why, he told me that my mom cheated on him.

My dad remarried when I was X years old and I have great step-mom. My mom has had her share of troubles, but we get a long. Some times when I was kid I saw her cry. I think I know now why.

That's enough reading for the moment.

Chin up.

Forward march.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Tam, she's just not into you my man. With my help, we will go back and translate, from the language of woman, some of what she said and did.

*She wanted to meet him the very next day to call it off and break all contact.
*

She wanted to meet him the next day to agree on a strategy to take it underground.


*In the following days, she did not show much remorse and would sometimes leave me home to cry alone while she went to work.*

Why should I feel bad when I'm was doing what I want to do.


*A few days later she gave me the impression that contact was broken and I had been given access to all her accounts and phone.*

I'll lead this clown into a blind ally and play him like a $15 flea market guitar.


*3 weeks later I caught them near our home in a restaurant.*

I underestimated his intelligence. He's not at dumb as I thought.


*she promised that day to do whatever it takes to mend our marriage. She resorted to using new methods to chat with him which I found a couple of days later. Again she promised that she will not talk to him ever again and break all contact.*

Maybe I didn't underestimate his intelligence. After all, he's fell for everything else I told him like a fish after a baited hook.


*I requested that she unfriend him from Facebook to which she turned furious stating that it was not her principle to unfriend people from Facebook.
*

Tam can kiss my azz.


*She claims that she is still with me because she wants the M to work, but continues to blame the affair on the lack of attention that I gave her.*

I need to keep Tam on the hook until I can get my ducks in a row. Then he can go F himself.


*She also claims that OM is not in the picture and has moved on and she is not interested in marrying him.*

I really want to get Tam out of the picture so I can get into a full time relationship and hopefully marry this guy.


*I have initiated marriage counseling on 2 occasions, but we did not end-up going as she is not convinced about the process.
*
Screw that. I'm not wasting my time on a marriage I want out of.


*I did overhear her conversation with her friend where she was bad mouthing me and something about a mental date that she has given to herself to “work it out” with me. She hasn't shared any of that with me.
*

My mental date is based on the longest time I can possible stand to staying in this marriage but sufficient to appear that I tried.


*My wife is friendly with a lot of men and seeks plenty of attention which makes me think that she may be suffering from Histrionic personality disorder.*

Its a turn on for guys to want me and I fantasize what they are like in the sack. Some of the sexier ones makes me wet my pants and if I could get away with it.....


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

OP

I can imagine that it is so difficult to see the big picture when you are part of it. So here is what I recommend. I want to you imagine that your marriage is actually the marriage of your best friend or brother and they are telling you all about it and want your advice on what to do. So what would you tell him?

Think you know it's time to get out


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Man up. Sorry for being so blunt. I know you are hurting, most of us have been here.
2. Start the 180. Your wife is not showing remorse. She is blaming you and this is not good at all.
3. Your wife is 100% at fault for her affair. You had nothing to do with it.
4. When you allowed your WS to end this A on her terms I suspect what others have alread stated. They took it underground. Your wife is acting like before and she is byeing her time (IMO).
5. Stop crying, pleading, saying I love you, etc. It is a pathetic way to react and many of us have been there. 
6. Right now you are eating up any scraps of affection she is giving you, like you won some big prize. Stop and do the 180. Your ego has taken a big whack along the head and you are stupified. It takes time to shake this off.
7. Her reasons for the A is just plain B.S., justification, and lies.
8. I suspect she is still lying by the way you are writing about her.



A. Start the 180.
B. Get tested for STD's
C. Lawyer up and don't let her know about it. Find out your options. 
D. Whether you D or R is up to you, not her and be proactive with the attorney.
E. i bet you dollars to donuts that this A is not over.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Sorry you are in this.
She probably has a disposable, burner phone that you don't know about and is probably in contact by phone calls and texts through that phone everyday. I would look for that in her personal belongings and in her car hidden somewhere. 
She will not want to go to marriage counseling until she thinks you are leaving her because of this. Once she knows you are serious, then she will run to marriage counseling, unless her affair has had the time to get serious, she will most likely still want to work out your marriage.
good luck.


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## tamdesp (Mar 28, 2014)

Friends, thank you for all the advice. I agree 100% with everyone here that I am being taken for a ride and should have acted differently on D-day and the days that followed. She does not deserve my love. I am taking a deep breath now and getting ready for filing D. I need your continued support and I will keep this thread updated. 

Please pour in any advice. thank you


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I did not expose the affair to anyone and the reason that I didn’t is because, if we end-up separating I would rather that she have some support from her friends and family."

This is a major mistake.

The best way to attempt to permanently kill an A and make a POS run is to EXPOSE it to everyone.

Your WW's blameshifting and lack of remorse are a direct result of the fact that no one in either of your families or amongst mutual friends knows what a filthy, cheating, wh**e she has been and how she has destroyed your family life with this useless POSOM.

If you do not expose, she will continue in this attitude and there is a great chance that she will restart the A.

And because you didn't expose it, she will be able to eventually bring POS around people and introduce him as her nice new boyfriend. 

No one will be the wiser that he is actually the POS that destroyed your family and the happiness of your childrens' lives.

And that is because you are helping to keep her secret.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tamdesp said:


> Friends, thank you for all the advice. I agree 100% with everyone here that I am being taken for a ride and should have acted differently on D-day and the days that followed. She does not deserve my love. I am taking a deep breath now and getting ready for filing D. I need your continued support and I will keep this thread updated.
> 
> Please pour in any advice. thank you


I'm glad you are still here and reading I know it's a shock but it will get better.
So keep coming back.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

tamdesp said:


> Friends, thank you for all the advice. I agree 100% with everyone here that I am being taken for a ride and should have acted differently on D-day and the days that followed. She does not deserve my love. I am taking a deep breath now and getting ready for filing D. I need your continued support and I will keep this thread updated.
> 
> Please pour in any advice. thank you


Just keep to this, don't waiver. She'll do everything she can to make this your fault. Remember that she lied about cutting off contact like, 4 different times and is now trying to blame you for the affair. She is not remorseful, and if she isn't still cheating now then it's only because she's waiting for things to cool down enough for her to think she can get away with it. If you haven't exposed the affair already, I'd use it as leverage to make sure you get favorable divorce terms and as much time with your kids as you can. That can backfire though because for absolute sure she'll badmouth you to everyone you know and make you look like the bad guy if they don't know about the affair (and if they do as well, but that will be less likely to succeed because everyone will have heard your side of the story). 

She'll turn on the tears again. She'll beg for you back. Please don't buy into the act, even though it will seem genuine. She just doesn't want to "lose" the game by being the person who is served rather than the server in the divorce. If she was certain the OM was ready for a committed relationship, she'd dump you in a second. She's only holding onto you as plan b in case she can't find someone better. Let her continue her search as a single person, while you focus on yourself and your children.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Please listen to the people on this site. They definitely KNOW what they're talking about. I'm soooooo sorry you're having to go through this. You are no doubt a good husband to her. Why are some people (men AND women) so clueless when it comes to appreciating the spouse they have?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

tamdesp said:


> Friends, thank you for all the advice. I agree 100% with everyone here that I am being taken for a ride and should have acted differently on D-day and the days that followed. She does not deserve my love. I am taking a deep breath now and getting ready for filing D. I need your continued support and I will keep this thread updated.
> 
> Please pour in any advice. thank you


tamdesp,

I realize that if you didn't want to save your marriage, then you wouldn't be here in the first place. You'd just leave her and be done with it. So I know that's what you want to do.

But at some point soon, the devastation and guilt you are feeling now, will turn into anger, resentment, and regret if you don't change your approach.

Don't beat yourself up for making these mistakes. I made a number of them myself and so have many others.

The first, most important step in attempting to save your marriage, is to accept and act on the advice you've received. Based on your last post, it looks like you're willing. That's good. Many BS's have to go through 8 pages of threads to be convinced if they're ever convinced at all. 

So, if you're willing to follow the advice, the next step is judging her remorse. Sometimes the WS makes that judgement easy. Sometimes there are gray areas. We can help you with that process if you'll keep posting and let us know how she reacts.

I know you fear losing your marriage. Most of us have been there. But this advice is based on hard earned experience and I can promise you; if she truly loves you, regrets what she did, and wants to save her marriage, she will turn around. If she doesn't, she won't or won't completely.

Stay the course and don't re-draw any of your lines in the sand.You will be fine no matter how this plays out. We want the best outcome for *you*, whether it is R or D.


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## tamdesp (Mar 28, 2014)

When I notify her of the D, her next move out of anger would be to take our daughter and leave the house. How do I avoid her from taking our daughter away? 

I am also starting to draft the exposure emails.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She may not take your daughter. You go for 50/50 custody.

Don't get emotional with her in conflicts. By being cool and calm she will begin to circle you in her decision making, whether to divorce or reconcile, it doesn't matter.

Expose POSOM on Cheaterville. The post should be entirely factual and contain not adjectives or adverbs that cry out I am a hurt BS. Do not post your wife's name, just his.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

tamdesp said:


> When I notify her of the D, her next move out of anger would be to take our daughter and leave the house. How do I avoid her from taking our daughter away?
> 
> I am also starting to draft the exposure emails.


Best bet is to talk to your lawyer about your options.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tamdesp (Mar 28, 2014)

badmemory, i realize there isnt enough remorse, but let me know if these actions from her mean anything.

She makes dinner for me everyday.
she stocks up on things that i need 
She makes sure that our daughter spends plenty of time with me.
I also overheard her telling her friend that she is "working on our marriage". however we certainly dont talk about it and she has never initiated the MC talk. 

how do i read this?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

tamdesp said:


> When I notify her of the D, her next move out of anger would be to take our daughter and leave the house. How do I avoid her from taking our daughter away?
> 
> I am also starting to draft the exposure emails.


Others may have a different opinion, and that's fine; but I would just see your attorney first and set the D in motion before telling her. Talk to him about what you can or should do if she leaves and takes the child. 

How far you go with the D will depend on her remorse. She doesn't have to know until she is eventually served. For now you can just tell her you've consulted with an attorney and are deciding what to do; and that decision will be largely influenced by her willingness to convince you she is remorseful.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

tamdesp said:


> badmemory, i realize there isnt enough remorse, but let me know if these actions from her mean anything.
> 
> She makes dinner for me everyday.
> she stocks up on things that i need
> ...


You can read it as, she doesn't necessarily want a divorce, but hasn't yet demonstrated she's willing to accept the consequences for her cheating. You'll know soon enough.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

tamdesp,
If some stranger attacked your family or marriage how would you respond? You would aggressively defend your family and marriage. You would go on the offensive and try to put an immediate end to the attack.

Your wife has attacked your marriage. Go on the offensive and put an end to her behavior. Start by exposing her; give her an ultimatum about what is acceptable to YOU and then follow through. 

This is not a game. This is your marriage and life. Be a tiger...:scratchhead:


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

tamdesp said:


> badmemory, i realize there isnt enough remorse, but let me know if these actions from her mean anything.
> 
> She makes dinner for me everyday.
> she stocks up on things that i need
> ...


She likes you as a friend and as a dad that helps her take care of her daughter. She wants the benefits of keeping you around. She knows that you are a good guy, thus her need to blame shift to remain a good person in her own mind and with her friends after cheating on you. 

You just don't get her juices flowing anymore. It’s hard for a great roommate she shares chores with to compete with a hot date. It’s also exciting to sneak around.

If she can live with you and fu*k other guys it's the best of both worlds, also called cake eating.




tamdesp said:


> When I notify her of the D, her next move out of anger would be to take our daughter and leave the house. How do I avoid her from taking our daughter away?


No matter what happens you will ultimately spend lots of time with your daughter. She knows that you are a great dad and babysitter.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_I also overheard her telling her friend that she is "working on our marriage". however we certainly dont talk about it and she has never initiated the MC talk. 
_

She knows you won't expose her affair and she wants people outside the marriage to blame you for the breakup.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

tamdesp said:


> badmemory, i realize there isnt enough remorse, but let me know if these actions from her mean anything.
> 
> She makes dinner for me everyday.
> she stocks up on things that i need
> ...


RUGSWEEPING.....
pretending nothing happend and waiting for better days, she thinks that you go back to normal as if all is ok .


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One other thing,

Don't accept any of her blame shifting for her having the A. You both are responsible for marital issues, she is 100% responsible for cheating. You will accept no blame. None. Tell her that.

However, there's no problem with telling her that *if* you decide to R, that you are willing to work on your own marital issues to have a better marriage; as would she, and that MC would be a part of that.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

A wife, who can play her husband for a fool, isn't going to respect him as a man. And your wife has been doing it repetitively to you. 

The level of passivity, you've displayed so far, makes everything even worse. Basically, as a husband, you're sending a message that you'll tolerate her extramarital sexcappades. And, as a man, that you'll look the other way when the OM, and your friend, wants to screw your wife.

Just file for a divorce and have her served with divorce papers. If she doesn't wake up it means she doesn't care anymore about you or being married to you. 

One more thing.... don't assume that her affair is over. It may still be alive and kicking.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"how do i read this?"

Simply put....you don't try to interpret what is going through her head.

For one thing, it is impossible to understand what a cheater is thinking because their actions, words, and feelings never seem to have a logical connection to reality.

And the other thing is YOU don't have to.

If this M is going to be saved it has to be because she comes back begging for another chance in no uncertain terms.

If she was doing this, you would not need to interpret because her desires would be clearly expressed and she would be taking the actions/heavy lifting that would be necessary for R.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

adriana said:


> A wife, who can play her husband for a fool, isn't going to respect him as a man. And your wife has been doing it repetitively to you.
> 
> The level of passivity, you've displayed so far, makes everything even worse. Basically, as a husband, you're sending a message that you'll tolerate her extramarital sexcappades. And, as a man, that you'll look the other way when the OM, and your friend, wants to screw your wife.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

*Too good for a simple "like"*


*Ironically, filing for divorce is your best chance to get her juices flowing for you again. So R or D, you need to file now.*


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

tamdesp said:


> Friends,
> 
> 
> 
> Since D-day she has been at home at all times except when she is at work. She cooks at home everyday and we eat and watch TV together and spend a lot of time with our daughter. We sleep on the same bed and she hugs me couple of times a day while leaving for work. *She latches on to plenty of petty negative things about our M and lingers on how that has affected her and claims* that she tried to "mend our M" before the affair. She claims that she is still with me because *she wants the M to work, but continues to blame the affair on the lack of attention that I gave her. This is complete BS *since I am always at home and dedicate my non-work time for my family. I have provided her with the best this world has to offer.




Your wife is a blame shifting wayward by definition who will set you up for false R don't bite cut her lose and focus on your self and your kids.


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## tamdesp (Mar 28, 2014)

Last night i had a brief conversation about our counseling plans during which she asked me if i would be completely forgetting the A 2 years down the road and if it would ever come up in the future. I replied by saying that I really want to, but she also needs to work on getting that thought out of my head. She was surprised by this statement. She said that the A happened due to my lack of attention and appreciation for/towards her. i simply shut up and that triggered me to start my thread here...


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

tamdesp said:


> Last night i had a brief conversation about our counseling plans during which *she asked me if i would be completely forgetting the A 2 years down the road and if it would ever come up in the future.* I replied by saying that I really want to, but she also needs to work on getting that thought out of my head. She was surprised by this statement. *She said that the A happened due to my lack of attention and appreciation for/towards her.* i simply shut up and that triggered me to start my thread here...


Major red flags. She'd make a nutcase out of you in the future one way or the other in you decide to stay with her. Still not owning up her A and attempting to rugsweep. Why haven't you exposing her A to everyone and posting the OM on Cheaterville as well as informed his wife/gf, family, his entire neighbourhood?
You lost your self-respect and your pride. What do you have now that you are afraid to lose?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Major red flags. She'd make a nutcase out of you in the future one way or the other in you decide to stay with her. Still not owning up her A and attempting to rugsweep. Why haven't you exposing her A to everyone and posting the OM on Cheaterville as well as informed his wife/gf, family, his entire neighbourhood?
> You lost your self-respect and your pride. What do you have now that you are afraid to lose?



:iagree:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

tamdesp said:


> Last night i had a brief conversation about our counseling plans during which she asked me if i would be completely forgetting the A 2 years down the road and if it would ever come up in the future. I replied by saying that I really want to, but she also needs to work on getting that thought out of my head. She was surprised by this statement. She said that the A happened due to my lack of attention and appreciation for/towards her. i simply shut up and that triggered me to start my thread here...


 She wants to know the end result of her cheating, before you attempt counseling?

Spend that money on your divorce. Wow, this is a terrible picture of your wife.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> She wants to know the end result of her cheating, before you attempt counseling?
> 
> Spend that money on your divorce. Wow, this is a terrible picture of your wife.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Sounds like she's not interested in mending your marriage. Sounds like to me she's not happy being married to you. I think you need to take a step back and read what you have said here. It may be time to think about ending this marriage. If she thinks you are serious about ending it she might change her attitude towards you but she could take you up on a divorce too.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

tamdesp said:


> badmemory, i realize there isnt enough remorse, but let me know if these actions from her mean anything.
> 
> She makes dinner for me everyday.
> she stocks up on things that i need
> ...


Without the lovin and loyalty, sound like you have a good cook and nanny Dawg.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

tamdesp said:


> Last night i had a brief conversation about our counseling plans during which she asked me if i would be completely forgetting the A 2 years down the road and if it would ever come up in the future. I replied by saying that I really want to, but she also needs to work on getting that thought out of my head. She was surprised by this statement. She said that the A happened due to my lack of attention and appreciation for/towards her. i simply shut up and that triggered me to start my thread here...


That is blame shifting and I am betting she has not really cut things off. Remember she has been a liar. You need to file for the D, she really needs the shock treatment.

I would be direct. Your blaming me did not cause you to spread your legs for another man, that was your choice!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

tamdesp said:


> When I notify her of the D, her next move out of anger would be to take our daughter and leave the house. How do I avoid her from taking our daughter away?
> 
> I am also starting to draft the exposure emails.


Talk with your attorney. She cannot run away with the kids, where do you live are you in the US?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would she like it if you had an affair?

Did she tell you she would bring home her girlfriend for you for your open marriage?

Time of divorce and has she written a timeline of the affair?

She is not remorseful. She is laughing behind your back and in front of you.

Ask her to sign an agreement where she pays alimony in the divorce, the custody is 50/50 and you get a favorable property settlement. Time for you to expose and put the OM on cheaterville. 

She needs to not let the door hit her on her way out.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

tamdesp said:


> When I notify her of the D, her next move out of anger would be to take our daughter and leave the house. How do I avoid her from taking our daughter away?
> 
> I am also starting to draft the exposure emails.


Move your family into your house. They would give you the moral support you desperately need. Keep a VAR and cam ready to record your confrontation with her. Also regarding exposure, send it to everyone, *I repeat everyone* she knows. Not just about the affair, but also her treatment of you. Make yourself look like a poor guy who is fighting to protect his kid from a mom-from-hell. As for the OM, post him in CV. Spend a little money and print out flyers and distribute in his workplace, neighborhood, family and friends. Also add a link to the CV posting. And if your WW still doesn't relent post her as well in CV. It's time to play hardball. Get this straight - mercy=weakness.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your wife wanted to know if in two years time you would forget about the affair and never be rude enough to mention it. That was revealing. You should have asked her if she will have completely forgotten getting it on with the OM.

She has to feel that being married to you better than homemade apple pie and ice cream. Does she? If you offered her the choice of you or that piece of pie, what would she pick?


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

It may be possible to restore your marriage to something functional and pleasing to both of you, sometimes I think marriages can't be "saved" in that attraction and commitment don't work like that.

Try telling your wife that her satisfaction and the infidelity, are two related and yet separate things, and that infidelity was completely her choice. I believe a lot of affairs only make "sense" or provide excitement because of the excitement caused by the betrayal and secrecy and frequently they are not relationships a betrayer would have entered into had they been single.

If you marriage can be restored your wife must change her thinking, and her language and take full ownership of her choices, and stop rationalizing justifications for why she was entitled to betray herself and you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tamdesp,

You need to not do a damn thing for awhile.

Please think rationally about the advice you're getting here.

Most of these people are in the same boat you are, they're hurt, betrayed, and angry as hell with a serious chips on their shoulders.

Think about it, most read one small post from you with very little information about your actual situation and there's a huge chorus of "DIVORCE THE *****!!" before most even bother asking a single question about your situation.
They haven't a clue where you are.

Do not listen to these people.

Lets talk this out before you trash your marriage permanently.

Take a some time and answer one single question.

Do you want your marriage?
Do you want it?

It may take you a week to answer it and that's fine take the week and think about it or you may know the answer right now.
If you think you know the answer right now then that's fine too.

Just answer that one question and you'll find many level headed people here willing to help you do the best to get what YOU want.

Don't do anything rash man, take some time.

While taking that time (If you need) do the 180 with your wife...

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Understanding the 180

Read it, live your life like this until you have a plan of action.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

tamdesp said:


> Last night i had a brief conversation about our counseling plans during which she asked me if i would be completely forgetting the A 2 years down the road and if it would ever come up in the future. I replied by saying that I really want to, but she also needs to work on getting that thought out of my head. She was surprised by this statement. *She said that the A happened due to my lack of attention and appreciation for/towards her.* i simply shut up and that triggered me to start my thread here...


Oh man, if she had said this to me there would be two bruises on her body. One from my 11 4E shoe on her backside and the other from wherever she landed on the curb. 

Dude...please get this book...right now...overnighted.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You are very scared and that is understandable. In addition to your emotion hell your wife has put you in you know that you could lose at least 50% custody of your daughter. It is easy to say divorce her but it is so much easier to be said then done.

You probably will weaken and think about R at some point. I just want to add that you should seriously consider what they have said about self respect. *The ladies on here said it very well and so you need to get stronger*. Stop trying to play policemen with your wife; in fact start thinking of ways that you can build yourself up in the event that a divorce is completed. If you need help in getting built upon then go get it and do not stop even if you fail a time or two. 

*You working on only you is a win win in either case. If you D you will be stronger, if you R then you will be in much better shape to make sure you are not made to be a chump again*


No woman (or man) is worth having that has the attitude that your wife has right now. If she will not change then you will have to suffer the loses and then rebuild your life; a life that can be enjoyable again.


*You really have only two choices; stop consentrating on your wife and focus only on you to get stronger and improve yourself or stay weak and allow your wife to destroy your self respect and then you will be no good to your self or anyone else.* Many have been a success in R and D and so can you. If you R you will have to depend on your wife to do her part for you to be successful. If you D it is mostly your decisions that will determine the outcome.


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## tamdesp (Mar 28, 2014)

Here I am reading this thread almost 2 years later in retrospect and regret not having followed any of the advice given to me. My wife simply used me during this time to live freely under my roof, framed me as a bad husband and has developed an exit strategy (D) which will cost me emotionally and financially. 2 years ago, she was ready to leave the M w/o the kid and any money. 

Yes, I have been stupid!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Why didn't you decide to follow the advice?

I'm very sorry that things have turned out so poorly for you.....but most here would have predicted this outcome if you decided to continue trying to 'nice' her back and hide her A.

My question is NOT intended in a snarky or mean-spirited way....I really am curious.

I just reread your comments.....and it seemed from the last couple of them you had realized that the advice you were getting here was what you needed to do.

What changed that and made you continue the attempt to 'nice' her back?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Go read Gridcom's thread


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## tamdesp (Mar 28, 2014)

I started the exposure process, but it backfired on me in that my wife reacted against the person I had exposed the A to and strained my relationship with them and our kids relationship with their kid. We were also seeking marriage counseling who wanted to handle it differently. Eventually my wife stopped going to counseling. Subsequently i proposed a D, around when my MIL feel terribly sick which softened me further as W started focusing on her mother's well being. All along W kept saying she was still undecided on the D. She then proceeded to start focusing on her job, then it was back to her mom and then back to work. I finally decided to pull the trigger and filed for D 15 months after D-Day along with a court date for a TRO hearing. W reacted adversely again and started telling the world how bad I was and also took our daughter away. I was left with no support and friends and family started reaching out to me requesting me to retract the D, which I did. Now, 5 months later, W is certain about wanting out and wants to relocate with kid to a different state. I am awaiting trial date for temporary orders at the moment. I have hired a good attorney and preparing to battle it out in court.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

They are not your "friends" you are better without them.

Who needs friends who suport cheating and lying !

You were "blind" for so long my friend 

I wouldnt care about them and you should do the same.

Think only about your daughter and yourself. Start building your life all over again because someday it will pay off. 


Best wishes to you my friend.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

tamdesp said:


> Desperately want to save my marriage or am I stupid?


You asked this question over 18 months ago. Now that we are Monday morning quarterbacking how would you have answered your past self for giving a remorseless cheat far more chances than she deserved? Had you listened to that part of you who wanted to hand her the divorce papers and followed through you'd already be a free man. I hope you know NOW what you need to do. End this nightmare and free yourself.


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## tamdesp (Mar 28, 2014)

Thank you. Yes, right now my focus is on being a great dad for our kid and maintain sanity through the D process.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She was responsible for the affair. You are responsible for not handling the aftermath.

Did you learn anything?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

As you are the stay at home parent child custody would most likely be in your favour.

Time you had your wife served and filed for custody. She might even owe you child support.

I suggest you discreetly meet with a lawyer and investigate that option.

Than have her served and bring her back down to reality.

Sorry you are going through this.

I feel your pain


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## Heartbroken in Texas (Nov 12, 2015)

Tam, I am so very sorry for all that you have been through. I know that hindsight is 20/20, but that doesn't mean that you can see it when your right in the middle of it. I can't offer you any advice at the moment because I am currently roaming the land of the lost and desperate myself. I just wanted to give you a cyber hug {{{{Tam}}}} and tell you that I will say a prayer for you. I hope things get better really soon for you. Just take it one day at a time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So (and this is for other people reading, wondering whether to follow the advice, not for you)...you were AFRAID OF MAKING HER MAD, so you only exposed to ONE person and that person chose her over you, so you backtracked, apologized, and became the doormat for two more years. Instead of telling her parents, her siblings, her pastor, her work (if a workplace affair), and her friends.

If you had found your anger instead of your fear and acted swiftly and confidently (I don't share my woman), she would have respected you, probably desired you for it, hit rock bottom, and asked for forgiveness.

Instead, it's fair chance your child is going to be moved away to another state and you'll become a memory in her life or at best a summer-visit dad.

I'm sorry for your situation. I only hope the other weak, scared men out there read this and see what NOT to do.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

tamdesp said:


> I started the exposure process, but it backfired on me in that my wife reacted against the person I had exposed the A to and strained my relationship with them and our kids relationship with their kid. We were also seeking marriage counseling who wanted to handle it differently. Eventually my wife stopped going to counseling. Subsequently i proposed a D, around when my MIL feel terribly sick which softened me further as W started focusing on her mother's well being. All along W kept saying she was still undecided on the D. She then proceeded to start focusing on her job, then it was back to her mom and then back to work. I finally decided to pull the trigger and filed for D 15 months after D-Day along with a court date for a TRO hearing. W reacted adversely again and started telling the world how bad I was and also took our daughter away. I was left with no support and friends and family started reaching out to me requesting me to retract the D, which I did. Now, 5 months later, W is certain about wanting out and wants to relocate with kid to a different state. I am awaiting trial date for temporary orders at the moment. I have hired a good attorney and preparing to battle it out in court.


This is why we tell people not to listen to family and friends who supports the cheater. I'd disown them all, I have three members of my family on my list, then move on to better myself.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

tamdesp said:


> I started the exposure process, but it backfired on me in that my wife reacted against the person I had exposed the A to and strained my relationship with them and our kids relationship with their kid.


In other words you were confusing her with somebody who give a shyt and she clarified that for you. Tam my man, I ain't saying you're stupid but you are extremely naive about women. First up is you need to deal with your fear of this woman. Essentially you've spent the last 18 month trying to keep this girl corralled and she's played you like a yard sale guitar. (if you asked them, other women are not impressed with your namby pamby crying, placating, and "rolling over and playing dead" methods) 
The girl is emotionally gone Dawg and has been for awhile. If she thought of you as much more than a fixture, she wouldn't have been f-ing your friend and who knows who else.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Let her tell the world whatever the hell she wants to. Remember that her behavior has nothing to do with you at all. Time to disengage and it sounds like you are starting to. Cut the people out of your life who are not supportive of you. At this stressful time in your life, you do not need to deal with them.

You would have to give her permission to move out of state with your daughter; don't let her do this if it isn't what you want. Fight her on that one!

I am sorry you are going through this. It takes some of "us" longer to accept what is going on; myself included. I am now coming out the other side and it is the best feeling ever. You will get there no matter what you thought or did in the past. Move on and build a new life without her and take care of yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I gotta be honest with you. You are your own worst enemy.

Did you learn anything ??????

It's very painful to read this train wreck.

I hope it turns out ok for you but........


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