# I think I married a Passive-Aggressive?



## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

I am really starting to dislike my husband. He's the type that avoids confrontation, and then explodes after several months of avoidance. He uses a lot of "covert" ways to try to push my buttons. Examples:

We were supposed to go to a college basketball game together. He was idling the car in the garage, and I asked him not to make a habit of that, because carbon monoxide is not a good thing (stuff like this tends to make me anxious). He didn't like being "told what to do" and decided that he wouldn't go to the game with me. I believe he thought by removing himself from our plans, he was punishing me. I still went to the game, because it may have been the only time I got to watch those two teams play one another.
When I returned home, he acted nice enough, but he smelled like beer. I am a recovering alcoholic, and feel rather strongly about not bringing alcohol into the house. When we were first married, he would get near physical violence, as he would head straight for the bottle during any argument. For over five years, he's respected my wishes and not brought any into the house. I felt that this was another passive-aggressive "jab" to push boundaries, because I still went to the game and did not feel "punished" by the fact that he stayed home. So he had to punish me by pushing a very touchy boundary.
When I woke up this morning, I began to study in the bedroom. He normally watches television in the living room, so that he doesn't disturb me. Today, he came into the bedroom and turned the tv on, presumably just to cause a distraction. I asked what he was doing and he acted like this was something he'd always done, knowing full well that that is not the case. He finally left the room.
He is seriously irritating the crap out of me; I thought only women acted out in this way. Is he a passive-aggressive? A narcissist? Just immature? I don't get it.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Look up "Negativistic Passive Aggressive Personality".

This guy sounds JUST like MY hubby.   

How long have you been married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi,
We've been married almost seven years. No children. It's really hard to deal with, especially in that I am very direct with everyone.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

That's good that you don't have any children.

I would suggest counseling for him, but as a PA he thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong about him or the way he handles things... Right?

Best thing that helped me was getting myself individual counseling... Because after awhile, they will bend your mind and reality around...

Sorry you have to deal with this... I *know* what a daily aggravation it is... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Ramesgirl,
I haven't read your other posts, but I"ll add a comment here.
(My H was dx PA, for all that labels matter)

How do you handle this type of behavior?
You don't tell them what to do. 
Even though they act like, or tell you, they want you to.
The refusal to take responsibility \ make decisions is NOT because they want your help, it's so that they can AVOID any blame, for anything, if it's wrong. 
It helps to keep that in mind. 

Make sure you have boundaries. And learn how to "say" them.

You ignore their words, and focus on their actions.
And you try hard to not assume you know what they are doing.

Yeah, they might be scheming, manipulating, pretending.
But if you see through it, and stop assuming, they stop. Eventually, they have to take responsibility for their own behaviors, if you stop "doing" for them.

- Him coming into the room wasn't normal. Maybe he wanted to talk to you. The acting out is normally their way of "asking" for something. 

And after all I just wrote, I just "clued" in.
My H also drinks.
This was just a stupid excuse to start a fight so he could go drink because he knows you don't approve.
Been there, done that.


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

YinPrincess: You are right; he has never taken responsibility for anything since the first year we were married. He believes that nothing could possibly be wrong with him, and if there is something wrong with him, he has made it very clear that he doesn't care (this was in regards to his anger issues). It seems to me that, because he makes the money, he feels powerful in the sense that he can act about any way he pleases and that I will have to depend on him. I know that this isn't the case, but he's always had quite an ego about this sort of thing.

Deejov: Thank you for the advice. I do feel that I am blamed for any negativity in the marriage (indeed, I AM blamed by him). I am the only one who is dysfunctional (I have OCD), according to him. I went through a very intense exposure and response therapy treatment, because I realized that I needed help and that my disease was affecting those around me, primarily, my husband. My symptoms decreased significantly, and still, I get blamed. He is perfect, and he doesn't care about my feelings, my well-being, my successes, etc. He will say anything and everything to make me feel that I am "less" than him. He was once humble, but it is merely a facade now. Being in the special forces has changed him for the worst.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Think of PA people as "puppets".
In their own minds.... they are puppets. If they refuse to be responsible for anything, then someone else is always to blame. All their bad feelings, addictions, things they have done. They react. That's all they know how to do. Like a puppet on a string. 
It's very tiring to do this. One's mind has to keep track of everything that is going on, and dole out the appropriate reaction.

"live life in the moment" is rare.

Most people have some traits, but a few people do have a full blown personality disorder. 

It's crazy making behavior. Most therapists advise a person to LEAVE. Because it's hard to not take all that personally. 

But... there are a lot of resources to help.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

YinPrincess said:


> Look up "Negativistic Passive Aggressive Personality".
> 
> This guy sounds JUST like MY hubby.
> 
> ...


I'm really glad I found this thread.

I looked this up and read through the descriptions and this is him exactly. It doesn't look like there is much hope for this situation when they refuse to see it and blame everyone and everything for their problems.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's just like my ex. I'm so glad that the psych community is tackling this disorder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

Tigger said:


> I'm really glad I found this thread.
> 
> I looked this up and read through the descriptions and this is him exactly. It doesn't look like there is much hope for this situation when they refuse to see it and blame everyone and everything for their problems.


Me three! or four, lol.

All these things describe my husband to a tee. Frankly, I am so fed up with it. Even for all those years of a sexless marriage he tries to place the blame on me. Plus he has 'mommy' issues and I am not interested in being his caretaker.

I sent him info in PA behavior and he admitted some validity to it. But, as usual, he refuses to seek help and is still "trying to work on his issues by himself." He's been saying that for 2 years now ... :scratchhead:

He's a master at excuses.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Be careful. Telling a PA person they are PA just makes them more PA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Be careful. Telling a PA person they are PA just makes them more PA.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The most sanity-saving thing you can do is just AGREE (verbally) with everything they say. Sounds dumb but if you don't let their crazy-making warp your perception of reality and actually believe them, this can be quite amusing and takes the internal focus you may have on yourself and re-directs.

Just say, "Mmmm hmm" and walk away. (Roll your eyes for extra affect, lol)!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

YIn,
that's a good way to put it.
It's not sooo bad, after all. Once you get used to the fact they like to talk. Their actions tell you what they are feeling.

It can be learned. It's only normal to take people for their word. 
50\50. Let it stew for awhile.  

Without boundaries, it's painful to live with, though.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

d2snow said:


> Plus he has 'mommy' issues and I am not interested in being his caretaker.


Yep. That's (part of) the reason I'm leaving my PA husband. Everything is about Mom and Dad. He wants me to be mommy, so he can be the irresponsible rebellious teenager.

Uh, no. I did not sign up for that, thank-you.

He refuses to even consider therapy because his parents made him go when he was in high school.

What the hell does that have to do with a 40+ year old man and his marriage?


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> Yep. That's (part of) the reason I'm leaving my PA husband. Everything is about Mom and Dad. He wants me to be mommy, so he can be the irresponsible rebellious teenager.


PL, is that the main reason? We have other issues, but the more I think about it, the more I see the connection to him being passive-aggressive. 

He grew up in a family where "harmony" was of utmost importance. Therefore, he was never free to express anger, resentments, emotions, etc. I'm of Hispanic descent so you know we let it all out, lol. He gets offended if I raise my voice or contradict him, so now I find myself holding a lot of it inside.

I've stopped answering his calls/texts/emails for 3 weeks now because the last text exchange we had he said I "should refrain from saying things like BS or empty promises" :scratchhead:


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

d2snow said:


> PL, is that the main reason? We have other issues, but the more I think about it, the more I see the connection to him being passive-aggressive.
> 
> He grew up in a family where "harmony" was of utmost importance. Therefore, he was never free to express anger, resentments, emotions, etc. I'm of Hispanic descent so you know we let it all out, lol. He gets offended if I raise my voice or contradict him, so now I find myself holding a lot of it inside.
> 
> I've stopped answering his calls/texts/emails for 3 weeks now because the last text exchange we had he said I "should refrain from saying things like BS or empty promises" :scratchhead:


My H fits the P-A negativistic mold perfectly. He doesn't really want to be committed to anyone, so he spends an inordinate amount of of his time trying to get attention from other women (after less than 2 years of marriage). Deal breaker

He ignores/disses me in public in front of other people. Deal breaker

I told him very clearly and openly what turns me on (it's something very simple- no advanced technique or knowledge of anatomy required) and he still wouldn't do it. Deal breaker

He is not protective. When I need him, he makes sure he's not there. Example: when my car broke down on the interstate late at night and he opted to go to sleep instead of come out and help me even though my phone was dead. Deal breaker

He has not worked for over a year and is not really trying to get a job. He thinks others should support him. Deal breaker

There are additional issues, but I think these are enough, lol! I have moved into an apartment and am so happy to be moving on.


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