# Turned into a monster



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Abridged history:
Several years ago, father asked me to beg mother for another chance to not divorce. I stupidly did. He was a WS. 
Mom get very upset. Dad and I started getting into physical fights. 
Fast forward a lot, and dad asks me to be the best man in his wedding. Mother didn't seem to care too much about it either way, TAM never came to a unanimous opinion, and I did. 
So that got my slowly disowned by most of mom's side of the family, and I fell into alcoholism. I spent Christmas passed out in a church parking lot. 
Then fast forwarding a lot, dad and I get on quasi-speaking terms, and he hints that mom had an EA years and years ago. Well, two paternity test later prove I am not his child. His last words were "I forget you" I haven't seen him or spoken to him in...2 or 3 years now. 
Fast forward a bit more. Got cheated on by the girlfriend during this ordeal. 
Met my real father. Loathed him, and got him fired from his job, then laughed at him when he called me for help. 
And the last link to my family, the last person to actually care for me, my sister (brother is long gone) was eventually cut out. 


I'm here because I've become that which I most feared, a monster. I can't feel. I can't care. Nothing moves me. 

The first sign was several months ago. My half sister tracked me down, and wanted to yell and scream at me. I had cut her out of my life. She was crying and in the end, all she wanted was to keep our relationship. 
All I could tell her was I had nothing for her. And I felt nothing. No pain, regret, remorse, or anything even though I was the source of it all. 


Last night was the biggest sign to me. I had the girlfriend over, now xgf, we ate, talked, spent an hour in bed. She was caring, kind, literally the perfect girlfriend. 
And after spending an hour in bed, I told her I didn't feel anything for her. I just didn't care about her. In hind-sight, I should've done it somewhere in public, or anywhere that wasn't my bed. Especially after it all... 
She cried, and wondered what she had done, why, and I had nothing to tell her. I couldn't even hug her to comfort her. I didn't feel anything for all the pain I caused her. 

I made some other poor choices later in the night, but they don't matter. 
Just like all the other examples of everything I've done. 

I can't feel. I can't console. I can't care. I can't relate. I can't sympathize. 
I've become a monster. And I hate it. 

How do I change it? How do I stop what I've become?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

I don't know what to say other than have your tried counselling or seeing a psychiatrist? Maybe talking about your feelings or lack of then may help you.

Is it because if a difficult childhood you are like this? If it is don't beat yourself up about it, it's not your fault.

Try your best to get some help.

Would you consider sitting down and taking with your half sister and seeing how it develops?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> I don't know what to say other than have your tried counselling or seeing a psychiatrist? Maybe talking about your feelings or lack of then may help you.


I did. And stopped. 

They always wanted to learn everything from my past. My past is a graveyard filled with skeletons. I want to let them rest, not dig them all back up and examine the bones for damage. 


> Is it because if a difficult childhood you are like this? If it is don't beat yourself up about it, it's not your fault.


I made a bad situation worse. I was continually dealt terrible hands, and kept going all in, and lost. 
So it is my fault. 

And I was 20 when it all started. Now I'm 24. And it's all ended. 



> Try your best to get some help.
> 
> Would you consider sitting down and taking with your half sister and seeing how it develops?


No.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You need counseling.

And, quite possibly, medication.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Counselling.
AA if you haven't stopped drinking.
Self forgiveness.
For giving your parents I know it hard but once you do-(Truly do) you'll feel so much better.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You need counseling.
> 
> And, quite possibly, medication.


But counselors want to learn everything. That's why I stopped. I don't want to remember. I want to let old ghost sleep. I just want my emotions back. 

I'd try medication, but I don't have a depression problem. Or a hormone or other crap problem. 

There has to be another way to deal with this.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I don’t understand about the girlfriend. You said she cheated on you. Then she came over one night and you apologised for the pain you have caused her? I don’t understand.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

EunuchMonk said:


> I don’t understand about the girlfriend. You said she cheated on you. Then she came over one night and you apologised for the pain you have caused her? I don’t understand.


Different girlfriend. I've had three. Or maybe four...depending on how some people define girlfriend. 
The first one that cheated, I considered our relationship null and void the second I found out. So I dated her best friend just to annoy and hurt her. And I felt glee in watching them turn on each other. 
Second one I dumped. (not the first one's friend I dated to annoy her)
Third one was last night.


And I didn't apologize for anything last night. We ate dinner, drank a bit, fell in bed for an hour, and after that (probably some bad timing on my part) I told her I didn't feel anything for her. Or that I didn't care about her. I can't remember. 
Because while my drinking is 100x better than it was, I started drinking afterwards to celebrate being single.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

lovelyblue said:


> Counselling.
> AA if you haven't stopped drinking.
> Self forgiveness.
> For giving your parents I know it hard but once you do-(Truly do) you'll feel so much better.


My drinking is much better than it was. Though I did drink last night to celebrate being single again. And made several other poor life choices. But...let's ignore that. 

As for self-forgiveness, what is that? 

Forgiving my parents...which ones? 
The one that lied to me for 22/23 years about who my father is? And disowned me? Or the one who I got fired from his job? I already forgave the man who raised me. He did something I could never do, and no amount of wrong he did to me compares to what I put him through by just existing. 

As for the other two, how am I expected to forgive them? 
Do BS ever truly forgive their WS? Especially ones that have been wronged for years and years like I have? 
Is forgetting they exist the same as forgiveness? And I am not joking, is it the same?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

But your ghosts aren't resting.....they're still fvcking up your life.

So the burying your head in the sand approach clearly isn't working for you. 

If you were doing relatively well you might argue for letting sleeping dogs lie. 

Maybe this monster you've become is precisely because you refuse to face your demons.

I'm much older than you.....42. I'm a CSA survivor, and for the longest time I thought like you.....that is didn't want to revisit my ghosts.

Except that they were affecting me even though I refused to face it.....namely my ability to deeply trust people and my ability to be vulnerable with anyone.

And I still feel deeply and have a ton of empathy for others, and I have kids and a family. You have none of these things.

But this past year I started dealing with it by talking to someone, and I'm making progress.

Your damage is much worse.....you're 24 and can't hug your gf who's done nothing to you. 

Grow a pair and face your demons, and stop dating until you do. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why were you in a chuch parking lot?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

spinsterdurga said:


> As someone who went through a trauma, has ptsd, hate counseling and hates her (former) therapist.
> 
> You will not be able to feel if you don't deal with the past.
> 
> Dude, I know how hard it is. I literally went through counseling kicking and screaming but you will never be able to feel until you feel what happened.


Well...part of my reason for not wanting to go to a counselor is because my last one didn't really like me. 
After talking to my last counselor (Because I did try it, that's why I don't want to go back) he asked me if I was being serious about everything that had happened to me. Guess he didn't believe me. 
And to prove it to him, I played him the voicemail from a few weeks ago when my real father called to say he needed help, and he was crying over the phone, and begging me for help. (And this is separate from when I got him fired that was months ago). And I laughed. 
And he called me a psychopath. 

And then I argued, but he asked me a bunch of questions. And apparently I hit the mark on enough to be considered a psychopath. Or something like it. 
So...I don't think he wants me for a client. And don't counselors generally spread the word about problem clients? 



> In the meantime, please stay away from women.


It's not my fault if I go to a bar or...other establishment, and girls fall for an emotionally dead and damaged guy like me. That's their fault.



> Why were you in a chuch parking lot?


The same reason I spent most of Thanksgiving in a Homeless shelter. My grandparents refuse to be under the same roof as the son who was the best man in the wedding. 
And my mom complied with their demands. So I couldn't be in the house. And she didn't seem too concerned about where I went.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I did. And stopped.
> 
> They always wanted to learn everything from my past. My past is a graveyard filled with skeletons. I want to let them rest, not dig them all back up and examine the bones for damage.
> 
> ...





Broken at 20 said:


> But counselors want to learn everything. That's why I stopped. I don't want to remember. I want to let old ghost sleep. I just want my emotions back.
> 
> I'd try medication, but I don't have a depression problem. Or a hormone or other crap problem.
> 
> There has to be another way to deal with this.


You are so freaked out about dealing with the feelings your past contains that you have turned off all feeling entirely. I'm not sure you can get back the good ones without also getting back the bad ones that need dealing with.

The way to deal with it is to let time heal it. Pursue your education, pursue your job opportunities. Build yourself and your independence up while you let distance develop with your family of origin. Let friendships with good people develop. Don't date until you are more healed though, or you'll just damage other people.

These 'parents' are deeply flawed humans, who turned your whole life upside down at a time when you needed it to be stable. But it's up to you what effect it has one your own flaws.

If it helps, I don't think you're a monster. I think you are deeply hurt and trying to rebuild your life. But if you won't examine the pieces you are working with, you can't make the structure strong again.



Broken at 20 said:


> As for self-forgiveness, what is that?
> 
> Forgiving my parents...which ones?
> The one that lied to me for 22/23 years about who my father is? And disowned me? Or the one who I got fired from his job? I already forgave the man who raised me. He did something I could never do, and no amount of wrong he did to me compares to what I put him through by just existing.
> ...


I've always understood forgiveness to be what you offer the other person when they express genuine remorse about what they did and have demonstrated sufficient change or recompense, and you feel they've learned their lesson.

If the people are still jerks after several opportunities to demonstrate remorse, then yeah, move on and get them out of your life. You can't forgive the unremorseful, so you have no choice but to forget them.

All that said though, I wouldn't turn your back on your half-sister. She's not responsible for any of the things your parents did, and is your flesh and blood who presumably loves you and wants the best for you.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> But counselors want to learn everything.


Well freaking duh. A counselor isn't going to be able to counsel you very well w/o knowing the details w/ respect to why you chose to seek out counseling.



Broken at 20 said:


> That's why I stopped. I don't want to remember. I want to let old ghost sleep. I just want my emotions back.


That's not going to happen until you fully confront and process everything that you're dealing with.

That means remembering.

Until you do this, the only emotions that you have a chance of getting back are emotions that you can do without.



Broken at 20 said:


> I'd try medication, but I don't have a depression problem. Or a hormone or other crap problem.


You're self-diagnosing. That's bad.



Broken at 20 said:


> There has to be another way to deal with this.


Therapy or medication.

Start w/ therapy.

As for the girlfriend/ex-girlfriend that you had over... is this the same one that had preciously cheated on you? If so, do yourself a favor and cut her out of your life for good.

If not, cut her out of your life... at least for now.

You can't handle a relationship right now.

And hey... at least you're not drunk posting anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I did. And stopped.
> 
> They always wanted to learn everything from my past. My past is a graveyard filled with skeletons. I want to let them rest, not dig them all back up and examine the bones for damage.
> 
> ...



Therein lies the problem. Your past is what haunts you and makes you the way you are. You have no choice but to dig deep and rip out all of that stuff with a therapist, you can run away for years and hit 50 and it will still be there. Please take it from someone who knows this, I wish I had gone to therapy when I was in my 20s instead of going through life thinking I had it all together, thinking my past (abandonment by parents) didnt affect me, I was strong enough, capable enough to overcome everything including a cheating AH. Don't kid yourself, you need help, take it and do the necessary work.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Find a counselor you like... You are looking for help. You've been screwed over by many people beyond your control or fault.

Both your parents destroyed your reality as you knew it and this is how you are coping with it... Trying to protect yourself, but you seem to desire feelings.

You're going to have to share your nightmare to get help sorting your life out. A psychopath has no desire for such things.

Hey help. You are young. It's your choice to be a better person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That counsellor was offering a diagnosis way outside and above their pay grade.

I think you need to see a psychiatrist who will be able to prescribe medication for you.

You have been dealt several dreadful hands.

Incidentally your mother is an utterly hypocrite. She was allowed to cheat but your father wasn't?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

TAM is not certified to give you the help you need, broken. 

I strongly suggest you find a psychiatrist. 

The reason your first said that you were a psychopath is because laughing, really laughing at the severe misfortunes of others is a trait of *psychopathic behavior.* My ex husband did it on the regular because he had no capability to be empathetic to mine and others' pain. 

Also, your past is the key to knowing why you behave as you do in adulthood. We learn everything as we grow, both good and bad. Expect to talk about your past and I suggest you get over it, if you really want there to be a change in your life. 

I wish you all the best.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> But counselors want to learn everything. That's why I stopped. I don't want to remember. I want to let old ghost sleep. I just want my emotions back.
> 
> I'd try medication, but I don't have a depression problem. Or a hormone or other crap problem.
> 
> There has to be another way to deal with this.


You can't have it both ways. The stuff is in there, but you're shutting it down. Which helps short term so you can deal with life better but the problem is that when you shut down, you shut EVERYTHING down, you can't pick and choose.

So you turn into an emotionless zombie.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

> *That counsellor was offering a diagnosis way outside and above their pay grade.*
> 
> I think you need to see a psychiatrist who will be able to prescribe medication for you.
> 
> ...


My mother is a word I'm not allowed to say. A cuckolding, adulteress, woman. Perhaps that is why I felt nothing when I broke up with my x-gf.

And I shared only a few of the situations I told the counselor. I didn't feel the need to go into everything I told the counselor that led to his diagnosis. 
Like how I took up football (American gridiron for our international posters), and accidentally broke our quarterbacks hand in practice. And as he writhed on the ground, I just looked at him pathetically, and thought Great! OTA's are cancelled for the next 5-6 weeks. 
Or how I had an audit client (it was a not-for-profit organization) call me saying they had to make a decision between having 12 epipens, or keeping 6-7 kids in their young child education program, and asking me for help. I told them it's their pick between a finding (think of it as an F on your transcripts, or like getting arrested), or just cutting six kids, and hung up. 
I didn't bring up the time I went to a strip club and lied to some female stripper, and got her to come home with me. But I was single. So I can say I still have never cheated on a gf.

I think his diagnosis was right. 
And that is what disgusts me. When I first joined this site, I never imagined becoming this. I never wanted to become this. But that's what I am. And I don't want to be like this. Yet I can't change. This is how I am. 



> As for the girlfriend/ex-girlfriend that you had over... is this the same one that had preciously cheated on you? If so, do yourself a favor and cut her out of your life for good.
> 
> If not, cut her out of your life... at least for now.
> 
> You can't handle a relationship right now.


After however many years on this site, do you honestly think I am dumb enough to stick with a cheater? You honestly think an illegitimate child would stay with a cheating girlfriend? 
If you do, I got breach front property I want to sell you. 

Besides, dating and a relationship are very different. 


But going back to counseling. 
That will require digging up a lot of skeletons. And I'm sure a few more were added with my current...life style. I imagine having to face all these skeletons will also force me to face those emotions. 

I don't want to face those emotions again. Those that remember when I had to go through everything knew I fell into alcoholism. I don't know if I can face those problems again and come out the other side. 

Might be stupid to ask, but could this just be a phase I'll grow out of? Like how people go through phases in college? And...a mid-life crisis phase? Could this one just pass? 

And to prove (despite my impeccable history of ignoring nearly everything the forum has told me, doing the opposite, and making my situation worse) I'm taking the advice seriously, I did look up counselors. 
Unfortunately, looking for a psychiatrist online showed me a 1-2 month waiting period. And that's quite the wait to have to schedule an appointment just to see if I like them.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> I think his diagnosis was right.
> 
> And that is what disgusts me. When I first joined this site, I never imagined becoming this. I never wanted to become this. But that's what I am. And I don't want to be like this. Yet I can't change. This is how I am.


When the outside pressures of pin become too great,we internally build a wall for protection.

Unfortunately, in order to maintain the wall, something *MUST BE SACRIFICED*

The wall is to protect you. 

Therefore, things like sympathy and empathy can very easily be dropped from your persona. 

This is why your counselor diagnosed you as a psychopath.

You actually need someone who specializes in dealing with past trauma, rage, hate,and self loathing. This in't something you should just pick at a whim. Take your time and research to findone you like.

They of course will need to learn about your past.

They need to learn about your past in order to show you how to bring down that wall and to enable your ability to empathize and sympathize
You will need to take time as the wall tear down is a slow and lengthy process.
The process of allowing yourself to feel outside of that wall take time as well


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> But counselors want to learn everything. That's why I stopped. I don't want to remember. I want to let old ghost sleep. I just want my emotions back.
> 
> I'd try medication, but I don't have a depression problem. Or a hormone or other crap problem.
> 
> There has to be another way to deal with this.


There are different kinds of counseling. Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. 

In-Depth: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy | Psych Central


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> ...They always wanted to learn everything from my past. My past is a graveyard filled with skeletons. I want to let them rest, not dig them all back up and examine the bones for damage...


To use your own analogy, you need to walk out of that graveyard by stepping on each gravestone, acknowledging it in a safe environment and clear headspace, then letting it go. Step by step each of those things is forgiven (by you) so that you can stop being the victim of them.

This is way different than repressing or burying those stones, where they have been allowed to become the foundation of your self image.

It is going to take counseling / therapy / medication to get you there. I am not going to try to convince you that it will be easy, only that it be worth the effort.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ok, I definitely remember your original thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/231722-rejected-both-families.html

You went through some hard times, and tried self medicating with alcohol. Stop it. You need professional help, no matter how hard it hurts. You should have graduated by now and don't need your mom's car to go anywhere and have a job.

Seek.Professional help.now.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> I can't feel. I can't console. I can't care. I can't relate. I can't sympathize.
> I've become a monster. And I hate it.
> 
> How do I change it? How do I stop what I've become?


Forget "people" for now.... Clearly it's not "your thing". I'd start small, then work your way back up to "engaging society".

What do you DO for fun? What activity do you ENJOY doing? Find SOMETHING (not dangerous or illicit) that you can look forward too on a daily/weekly basis.

When you do then you can start incorporating "people" who share a mutual interest in it. The best way to maintain a relationship is to find something to bond over.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Good news! You're not a monster!

I grew up in South Central LA with a self-absorbed **** of a father and an alcoholic step-mother. My real mother was an equally self-absorbed religious fanatic. I hid in the library reading Forbes magazine to keep from getting beat up. 

From where I stand, your experiences are unremarkable. In fact, there is nothing remarkable about you at all. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL!!

You are not a psychopath nor a sociopath. It's not that you can't feel or care. You're just an ordinary 24 year old **** with an excuse and a blame for every bad decision you made. You hurt people without remorse because you're immature. You're a dime a dozen in the ghetto or any frat-house. You're not Hannibal. You don't look anything like Mads Mikkelsen.

You don't need therapy. You don't need medication. You just need to grow up. You've obviously live a privileged life. Otherwise, you would have had your attitude kicked out of you by now.

I'm serious. You're 24 now. You'll be 50 very soon. Stop wasting you life being a ****. You're the only person who give sh!7 about your life. Start doing something to make it better. Quit it with your little boy attitude and stop the blaming. Stop expecting somebody else to hand you happiness on a plate.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I don't want to face those emotions again. Those that remember when I had to go through everything knew I fell into alcoholism. I don't know if I can face those problems again and come out the other side.


And here in lies the problem. You can't pick and choose which emotions you will face, so you shut them all down. If you don't deal with them, they will rule you. They are ruling you now. Have courage. That's really what you need is courage.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

I told you this in one of your old threads and I'll tell you again. Your alcoholism has to be addressed first. No psychiatrist worth his salt should counsel you until you stop drinking. You have to rule out the effect that drinking has on your psyche before you take the next step. In AA they call it "stinking thinking". 

When you've stopped drinking for a couple of months; *then* the path is therapy and/or medication - if you still need it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> They always wanted to learn everything from my past. My past is a graveyard filled with skeletons. I want to let them rest, not dig them all back up and examine the bones for damage.


I remember your posts. If you want to get better you have to deal with your past. Or you can loose your life to alcohol and sadness. It's just that simple, there is no other answer. You have cancer you can get the chemo and feel like sh1t or you can die. If you really want to come back to the world of the living you are going to have to let yourself feel the pain again. You are numb because that is your coping mechanism no emotion period, I don't blame you but it's not working is it? Do you really want to be a robot? Better to try to feel the pain under the guide of someone who is a professional.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

...recovering alcoholic here. I've run across quite a few self-hatting, self-destructive types like yourself. 

Do you have a deadline set for yourself of when you plan to drink yourself to death? Because if you want to do it faster I can give you pointers. Have you noticed any weight loss indicative of liver cirrhosis? If your liver is hardening up then you can use that to your advantage. I can give you tips for how to speed that up also. 

It's obvious you really don't want help.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Sounds like you need a psychologist, not a counsellor. A psychologist is highly trained on changing behaviours. A counsellor isn't, hence that counsellor was out her depth and should of referred you. Please find the right help. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I believe you are on the spectrum. It is a wide one...Autism speaks, we close our ears. You lack limbic resonance.

The activities of central oxytocin and vasopressin have been associated with both partner preference and attachment behaviors, H.Fisher, A. Brown 2006

I would love to tell you to take "Love Potion #9". But it isn't out yet. It will be. It will "correct" your lack of empathy and if the world gets "on it", we will be destroyed, by yet another quarter.

We are not meant to be reprogrammed.

Reprogramming may not correct any chemical imbalance. Likely will not.

Back to your issue.

Cognitive therapy, Meditation and Antidepressants are the Trinity of Care for any hope for reprogramming your brain. Giving you empathy, love, compassion..........spark!

Later Deep Brain Stimulation might be of use. Experimental drug therapies will arrive. And be mis-prescribed.

In your lifetime? Pray for a Miracle. That and 29 dollars will fix you right up.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Didn't think I would need to do an entire update on my life for you guys, but probably should've known better. 

Professionally, I have my BSA, MSA, and have passed the two hardest parts of the CPA exam, and plan to pass all 4 parts by February 2017. I wanted to get it done earlier, but I have to travel a lot. I got out of my old job of lying and selling financial instruments to people who didn't understand them and got into auditing, something I actually wanted to do. So I'm using my degree now.
Unfortunately, I did take a pay cut. I made excellent commission checks. And I thought once I got out of my old job, that something might come back. Because I wouldn't have to keep lying to people at my job. 

Personally, I am not letting my sister back into my life. She was cut-out for a reason. She still doesn't know I'm her half brother. And from the last conversation we had, it became apparent her father never told her that I'm her half-sibling. That's not something she needs to deal with, nor is it something I care about. Her life is her own. I already told her I have nothing for her. If she wants to keep chasing me and risk getting off from that dysfunctional family like I was, I'll sit back and watch. But I won't offer a hand. Because she should've known better. 

Socially, one day after work I realized I had no friends. So I remembered how I always wanted to play football when I was a little kid. So I found out I can still play in a weekend spring-time league, and am trying to join a team. So I started working out more, getting in better shape, and met some guys on the team. 
Coincidentally, I also learned several months ago that I couldn't drink all week, and still play like I needed to at practice on Saturday. So I cut out nearly all my drinking. Right now I rarely drink, think I drank only twice last month. The only times I do are for important events (birthdays, being single, and...that time my friends took me to a strip club, so yea, that's it) And I've been like this since June. So I have much better control over my drinking than I once did. 

So..trying to address all the concerns posters made here...
SunCMars...obvious product placement and marketing is obvious. 
Bandit...I have not had any weight loss. Actually gained about 12-15 pounds since Septemer, maybe even more now but I don't know anymore. The scale at the gym broke. And if my liver gets hard, maybe that means it won't hurt as much if I get pancaked on the field again.
sokillme...yea...kill me for wanting to feel that again, right? Having to relive all that trauma that made me into this. 
Badmemory, Friday was my first night drinking since...some week in September, when a coworker and I celebrated being done with the worst audit client of the firm ever. 
KillerClown...you sound like one of my former clients? Were you the couple I sold life insurance too that then got in a wreck and had your spouse killed? And I got the paperwork delayed in filing so the insurance company wouldn't have to pay the claim, and possibly yank back my commission? Or are you one of the 11 families that one of my audit clients dumped on my suggestion because they were too expensive? Or the book keeper at another client that I suggested be let-go because they could hire two other 24-year-old ****'s as you would put it to do her job, and still come out ahead? 

And I've done all of that without an ounce of guilt. And that list still isn't the worst of the things I've done. 

I've done a lot of terrible things, and I don't feel bad for any of them. And that's the problem. All those terrible things I just listed off, and I'm only 24.
It should terrify me when I think of all the terrible things I might do by the time I reach 50. 
But I don't feel anything. Not disgust for what I have done, nor fear for what I might do. 

And despite being an emotional zombie, I can still tell I should feel something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> I did. And stopped.
> 
> They always wanted to learn everything from my past. My past is a graveyard filled with skeletons. I want to let them rest, not dig them all back up and examine the bones for damage.


How many times do we have to have this conversation with you?

YOU ARE A PRODUCT OF YOUR PAST.

No matter how hard, how many times, you try to deny it, you are 100% a result of your mother, your father, your larger family, your community, your ancestors and their rules/expectations/secrets, and until you REALLY go to therapy and LISTEN to the person with a 6- or 10-year degree in all things family/therapy/screwed up people, you will continue to carry yourself down into a spiral of cesspool living until you just decide it's all pointless and choose another way out.

Your family is about the MOST messed up family I've ever heard of, and yet you continue to ignore the benefits of therapy because you think you know better.

Well, then you deserve the results you get.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well...part of my reason for not wanting to go to a counselor is because my last one didn't really like me.
> After talking to my last counselor (Because I did try it, that's why I don't want to go back) he asked me if I was being serious about everything that had happened to me. Guess he didn't believe me.
> And to prove it to him, I played him the voicemail from a few weeks ago when my real father called to say he needed help, and he was crying over the phone, and begging me for help. (And this is separate from when I got him fired that was months ago). And I laughed.
> And he called me a psychopath.
> ...


It is ILLEGAL to 'spread the word' about clients. Duh.

I don't think you're a psychopath, btw. I think you are SO TRAUMATIZED by one of the ****tiest families I've ever heard of that you simply don't know how to feel, act, or think.

And who do you think is the ONLY person qualified to help a person with that much dysfunction? A psychologist.

Suit yourself. Continue to blame everyone else in the world for all your problems. And ignore your issues. At the rate you're going, you'll have gone through about FIFTY WOMEN by the time you're 30, which will solidify your reputation in your country as someone seriously F*CKED UP and to be avoided.

Or, you can just start going to therapy for reals and get some help.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Volunteer my friend. I had similar feelings at one point in my life. Make the time to do good for others. When you see that you created joy in someone else's face, especially a child, it will break down that wall you have built instantly. You will also be surrounded by great people with BIG hearts and that feeling of Christmas being every day will rub off on you. If you are lucky, you may even get a new a career out of it working around those awesome folks or doing what you love. 

Also, you get back what you put out in the world. If you make the time and volunteer I believe you atone for your sins and, some day years from now when you reflect, you will see a positive chain of events and all the good that has come into your life.

Hang in there and as someone who has been there before I'm telling you in works...have seen it work for many others who were depressed or lost...


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## Lauranie (Sep 17, 2016)

You are not near as broken as you think. You are not whole either and you know that. I agree with every poster in here. You do need some degree of professional help, and you are young and stupid, thus more prone to making self-destructive choices. Let’s toss all the emotional BS aside and acknowledge the fact that you are only 24, the risk vs reward part of your brain is only now starting to mature enough to realize true consequences (to yourself and others). Most of your life experiences are already jaded. Having seen for myself the darkest side of man, I can understand why you don’t see the options available to you. Ignoring those options NOW, while you are coming to terms with the need would be catastrophically detrimental to your future. Even if you were (and I don’t believe you are) a true psychopath, your sense of self-preservation should kick in to insure your most base and selfish needs are met. 

However… Fact… You look in the mirror and don’t like what you see. You have 2 choices before you. 1) Do nothing, accept the path you are going down now and watch any chance for joy, happiness and a truly successful life fade into fantasy. 2) Do the fubbin work you need to do to become a human being you can respect. Yes, that simple, 2 choices. One requires work and the other is to sit idly by watch life disappoint you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh I don't want to kill you. You'll accomplish that yourself if you just keep,on keeping on what you are doing. But I'm sure as hell not going to enable your pity party. Everything you have written here is self-pitying puke. 

Get to a psychiatrist. If you need meds for depression then get on them. Get into AA for your drinking, and get your head clear of booze so you can start thinking clearly again. 

"Get busy living or get busy dying", because right now you are dying and you don't even realize it. 

We have heard your story many times. We know you had sh!tty parents. We know your family is FUBAR. We know life sh!t on you. But you are in exactly the same place...no, a worse place now....than you were two years ago. All the advice you have been given over the years here hasn't made a dent.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I'm not learned enough to even begin to place direction for you to consider in a medical (counseling/therapist/analyst) sense, but I am fair at listening...

I hear a unique sense of pride in your pain... and more so that you have survived it.

To be proud of cold and cynical power is not something that one would usually want to grasp like an accomplishment, so what is the accomplishment you had sought before wanting to see a life differently now?

We often want to protect ourselves from losing a power we do not want to let go...and while it has made you stronger in some sense, it robs you of a sense of self (humanity).

Either is a frightening perspective... lose the "cool" and thus the tough heartless character such played and be seen as someone who could use a little empathy and compassion that has been effectively blocked, or keep the "cool" and stay isolated and disliked from the inside out.

A new way to remember is an outcome of forgiveness, it does free and change the past into a hope of better present and future. Perhaps freedom of this would change your perspective and allow you to see what you have, and not what you have lost in a sense of what you want to become.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> KillerClown...you sound like one of my former clients? Were you the couple I sold life insurance too that then got in a wreck and had your spouse killed? And I got the paperwork delayed in filing so the insurance company wouldn't have to pay the claim, and possibly yank back my commission? Or are you one of the 11 families that one of my audit clients dumped on my suggestion because they were too expensive? Or the book keeper at another client that I suggested be let-go because they could hire two other 24-year-old ****'s as you would put it to do her job, and still come out ahead?
> 
> And I've done all of that without an ounce of guilt. And that list still isn't the worst of the things I've done.
> 
> ...


You couldn't have sold me life insurance. I used to have a life agent license but stopped selling because whole life policy is a terrible investment and the commission wasn't worth the guilt I felt for selling them. I made enough money giving financial advise to the kind of people I used to read about in Forbes magazine. 

So no, you've never met me unless you were one of the kids yawning in the back of the room when I volunteered to do career day presentation at the local college.

Stop wasting your life being a drama queen.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> And I've done all of that without an ounce of guilt. And that list still isn't the worst of the things I've done.
> 
> I've done a lot of terrible things, and I don't feel bad for any of them.


You don't sound like a psychopath you sound like Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump only more honest.


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