# Has anyone ever sent your ex THE letter?



## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

I've posted a few times about my situation. Married 16 years, no kids, husband is openly having an affair, and we're living separately in the house. I confronted him two months ago and he called me a "crazy, paranoid b$$$$".

The divorce process is going so slow. It's taking my atty almost two months to draft the PSA. A little frustrated there.

Anyway, I've been seeing a counselor, which has been helpful. I've also been drafting a letter to him addressing all of the issues in our marriage. From the physical and emotional abuse to the affair and everything in between.

The letter is quite good. When the divorce is finalized and he's out of my life I want really want to email him this letter. I want to have the last word and this would be my closure to get everything off my chest. I know he probably won't care, which is fine and I accept that. He clearly doesn't care now. 

Has anyone ever actually done it? If you did, did it give your the satisfaction that you wanted?

Thanks!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

What does your counselor say about it? 

Personally if my goal weren't reconciliation I wouldn't send it for fear it would be taken wrong. Like "I've still got her" or just generally feeding their ego further . I understand wanting to put things behind you. But do you have any expectation of an ideal response? Or what if it is ignored how will that make you feel?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wrote my ex many letters. It was therapeutic and did help me say what I needed to. 

I didn't do it though, to have "the last word" as you mentioned. I did it because there were things I wanted to get off my chest and writing was a good way to do that.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

BRB, I wish I could give you the "right " answer. I think the right answer is the one that leaves you feeling best about yourself. Personally I don't believe in "closure". I think the wounds will heal and you'll have scars that will fade.

Sorry, I wish I could give you the perfect answer to take the sting out of all of this.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

BRB - I'm not at the stage you are yet....sexless, nothing in common but I stay because of children.

My wife has, in effect, over the years extinguished my flame. Once the children are old enough to understand etc (maybe 4-5 years) then I will leave and start my life afresh.

I have thought about whether I should tell her why, explain my actions etc. I've more or less come to the conclusion that I really couldn't be bothered. Whats the point? her reaction would only be 'I was like that because YOU were blah blah blah'.
Couldn't be arsed.

It will be - 'Now that children have left and are no longer financially dependent on us, I'm off. I'm happy to split everything we have 50-50. Bye'.

However I CAN understand that you writing a letter will give YOU some pleasure but I doubt it will achieve anything else.
Bit like shouting at a driver who has just cut you up...he (or she!) probably can't hear you but it certainly makes you feel alot better!


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

I have no expectations and even if he ignores I'm fine with that. I have been so non-confrontational this entire marriage. I let him get away with so much. I just want to hit the "send" button and feel like I finally was able to stand up for myself to him.

My counselor read one of the earlier versions of the letter. She didn't comment on whether or not I should send it. Her concerns were more of the fact that I'm so focused on this affair being the ultimate betrayal, when I fact some of the other things he has done to me was much worse. She said I should have left him a long time ago.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Actions speak louder than words. 180 his azz and you wont need to write any letters. The noticeable change in you will tell him much more than your letter ever could.

There is no point in giving him the letter. Nothing good will come of it. And i mean for you which is all you need to be worried about.

Forget R, forget the last word, forget closure. 
180 and dont look back.

I've been there.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If you honestly have no expectation I would keep writing and working on it. If your counselor has said nothing but indicated there are bigger issues you haven't touched on, you might want to work through those before hitting "send".

Nothing is worse than not being able to "unsend" something.

If you have and expectations or reservations I would wait.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Worse? damn.

2 months? Your attorney is milking you unless your net worth is in excess of ten million dollars.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I wrote my ex many letters. It was therapeutic and did help me say what I needed to.
> 
> I didn't do it though, to have "the last word" as you mentioned. I did it because there were things I wanted to get off my chest and writing was a good way to do that.


*Jelly: Did you actually send your XH the letters that you wrote, or did you just vent through writing the letters and then stash them safely away?

Instead of a letter, per se, I actually plan on writing my rich skanky XW a compendium, if you will, with copies of all of the attached evidence that she doesn't have the first damn clue that I know anything about.

But I can't release it until such time that I'm totally assured that she can't either hurt me or my sons materially or financially until they get out of college. It just seems like common sense to me!*


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Worse? damn.
> 
> 2 months? Your attorney is milking you unless your net worth is in excess of ten million dollars.


I don't know what's taking so long. It's not like we're trying to divide assets, more like debt. She's only billed me for an hour for working on the PSA. 

I don't know if she doesn't view my case as urgent as others she's working on or what. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I'm in a position to fire her and start all over again with a new atty. 

She was ready to roll when I hired her in early Dec. Don't know if this is a busy time for family law attys or what. Trying to stay patient.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Get another lawyer. (sorry, am British - Attorney)


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

askari said:


> Get another lawyer. (sorry, am British - Attorney)


If you're British, wouldn't that be "solicitor?"


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

BRB I'm sorry you're in your present situation with the whole thing being dragged out. I know you want to put this whole mess behind you, but it WILL happen. Then you'll find someone who will love and cherish you. There are, believe it or not, lots of guys out there who are looking for a good woman. Hopefully you'll find each other and have a happy life together. I wish you all the best for your future. It would be nice to think that after you're gone, your clueless hubby will realize what a treasure he had in you all along, but it'll be too late. I think that knowledge would be your best revenge. :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Jelly: Did you actually send your XH the letters that you wrote, or did you just vent through writing the letters and then stash them safely away?


I handed them to him. It was important for me to give him one in particular.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I handed them to him. It was important for me to give him one in particular.


*With DW#1, I wrote the letters and "round-filed" them upon advise from my pastor. It cleared my conscience considerably and I came to forgive her.

With DW#2, she needs to know that I know most everything about what she covertly did ~ in excruciatingly painful detail! And while I have forgiven her as well, I just want her to know that she wasn't exactly married to the resident Village Idiot!*


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think this is a personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer. But here's my take:

If the WS exhibited no remorse or regret, I would never want to contact him/her again, unless I had to. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing how I was hurt by them; because obviously they don't care. It could also prompt a back and fourth with them, that would give them the opportunity to send a snarky reply - which could negatively effect my detachment.

If the WS was remorseful, I'd be more inclined to send that type of letter; but again, I'd avoid continuing dialogue if I was trying to move on with my life.


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