# Being friends with cheaters



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is something that from time to time causes friction between my wife and I due to our policy dealing with friends (which we have a rule that we can only be friends with people who are friends with BOTH of us) - I'm less judgemental then my wife, who's more "black and white" in this regard.

It's rather astonishing the high percentage of people who cheat on their S.O./bfs/gfs, and I found younger folk hilariously much crueler and more deceptive then the couples around our age. The new generation doesn't look very promising!

Regardless, we're not of the same mind when it comes to dealing with them. Once a friend of ours loses my wife's respect - it's all over for them making it difficult to maintain our networking. I wonder if she fears their influence on me or something. This isn't a problematic issue as long as my wife doesn't find out but it does come up from time to time.

What you guys think?


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

An interesting topic, especially when it may be more complicated with family members/co-workers.

I don't see a problem with your wife choosing who she wants to be friends with, based on her own standards.

Looking forward to reading some other responses.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Good question. I guess we all have standards and our own set of morals, and we tend to make friends with people who are often similar to our own. For me, cheating is a heavy issue and says something about one's character. If I had a friend who was a cheater, that would make for an awkward situation. 

If I were friends with someone who cheated and thought it was ok, I wouldn't just kick them out the door and say I'm too "goody-goody" to be your friend anymore. The thing is, however, I could never condone cheating to my friend. Friends usually look to each other for support, which i could never give in a cheating situation. The one looking for support, at that point, is usually the one who chooses to not be so friendly anymore.

My x wife, for example, lost a lot of friends when she divorced me for what they thought were selfish reasons. She was always a conservative person who seemed to believe in the sanctity of marriage, and those were the friends she had. After she divorced me, she hoped her friends would support her, but with such lame reasons for divorce and making a bad situation for our kids, that didn't happen.

One of her friends told me, "I hate to lose her as a friend, but she wants me to support her decision to divorce, and I can't do that, so she has just chosen to not be around me anymore."


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> This is something that from time to time causes friction between my wife and I due to our policy dealing with friends (which we have a rule that we can only be friends with people who are friends with BOTH of us) - I'm less judgemental then my wife, who's more "black and white" in this regard.
> 
> It's rather astonishing the high percentage of people who cheat on their S.O./bfs/gfs, and I found younger folk hilariously much crueler and more deceptive then the couples around our age. The new generation doesn't look very promising!
> 
> ...


I would not want someone who I knew to be a cheater to be a close friend.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I don't know if this is appropiate...But why do you BOTH have to be friends with the same person? I'm not trying to pick a fight, but to me that sounds...strange..


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I think its more a matter of character. If you are close friends with someone who is cheating and you know they are cheating, that speaks a lot to their character and i personally wouldnt want that type of person around me or my family. Who knows, they may set their sights on your spouse next........


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Twofaces said:


> I think its more a matter of character. If you are close friends with someone who is cheating and you know they are cheating, that speaks a lot to their character and i personally wouldnt want that type of person around me or my family. Who knows, they may set their sights on your spouse next........


Very good point. Also, if I'm the friend of a cheater, do they expect me to keep it a secret and cover for them? That could lead to lying and all kinds of unsavory situations that's just not who I am.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

southbound said:


> Very good point. Also, if I'm the friend of a cheater, do they expect me to keep it a secret and cover for them? That could lead to lying and all kinds of unsavory situations that's just not who I am.




Exactly!!!!:iagree:


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

It depends why they cheated.

I think every one has a different perspective maybe on what a cheater is, it depends on the situation.

I can understand someone cheating if they were in a sexless marriage and they had tried everything they possibly could to mend their sex life and it had failed, if the other person didn't want divorce due to children and finances.

So if i knew the above to be true then they would still be my friend.

And you can't choose your partners friends, you can advise but that is all.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> It depends why they cheated.
> 
> I think every one has a different perspective maybe on what a cheater is, it depends on the situation.
> 
> ...





I completely disagree. But i can agree to disagree....MMM


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> It depends why they cheated.
> 
> I think every one has a different perspective maybe on what a cheater is, it depends on the situation.
> 
> ...


I also disagree. Cheating is wrong. No excuse for cheating.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

geek down said:


> I don't know if this is appropiate...But why do you BOTH have to be friends with the same person? I'm not trying to pick a fight, but to me that sounds...strange..


Typically this has to do with dealing with opposte sex friends.

However, if we had a friend who we learned was a cheater I would not be ok with my wife still maintaining friendship. Fortunately she would agree.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

AH!!..gotcha...


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

For myself, I believe that the friends we keep is a reflection on the type of person that we are. I have personally ended friendships when the person shown to be dishonest, lies, and cheats.

When both of my uncles shown to be cheaters, I did cut them out of my life. One demonstrated extreme remorse to my aunt, and I do talk to him now. The other, I don't. I'm not a friend on his facebook; he's not on my Christmas Card mailing list.

Also, I don't talk to my aunt. Because she responded to his cheating by having an affair with his CO.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Interesting topic.
But,there are friends, and there are FRIENDS.
My policy is ,anyone who disrespects my wife or me cannot ever, even be our
" friend ."

I cannot tell my wife who should be her friends,I could merely suggest or voice my displeasure and give reasons why.

As for me,
1]Guys who physically beat their women ,
2]Guys who openly cheat on their wives and treat them badly , 
3]Women who are drama queens , 
4]Women who crave my attention ,
5]Women who publicly disrespect their husbands.

Cannot be my friends.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife and one other woman, who's now divorced, are the only adult women in marriages or have been, who have not or are not cheating. If I go back 10 years, it's 2 not cheating and 11 cheating. I'm talking about people I know, people I have to be in social contact with.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, interesting responses. I can see now how it does lead to lying, dishonesty etc -> covering for their crimes so to speak. Most of the excuses made are due to distance/not being in love etc. I prefer to counsel people, not judge them, and I encourage them to be honest with their S.O. or at least dump/divorce them. But yes I am forced to cover for them as well at times, also from my wife who will lose respect for them and won't want to be mates anymore. 

I do have my limits however, there are still some types of people who I won't consider as human enough to bother socialising with - so I understand my wife too. However, it's a difficult thing with cheaters, I can't really judge considering too that I have cheated in the past. I share my experience and how it was one of my greatest mistakes. Some do listen, others well... meh. The thing is though, when they trust me with their confessions it does give me some persuasive power to help them to become better people.

As for our social circle ever since dramas occured years ago before our daughter was born -> I had to purge my social circle, and from that time onwards my wife gained full control of it and mine of hers. She has never refused to cut contact with anyone I don't like (except her mum obviously - though hell do I wish she cuts contact with her lol!!!), as such it's difficult for me since she does forfill her end of the policy. Also, when cutting contact based on your S.O.'s decision; for friends they see it as "she's got you by the balls" and with men it's more difficult due to the "bro code".

Our policy may help in the event that my wife starts hanging around a bloke I don't like -> but that has never bothered me thus far. Please, share more of your experiences/opinions! I wonder what is the right thing to do in this case


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

How reliable as a friend can a cheater be? Someone who doesn't have a problem betraying someone that should be the closest person to them... How easy would it be for that person to stab you on the back as soon as it is convenient for them?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I know that my husband seems to have a number of cheater friends. He knows, he supports them, he covers for them. Hell, he even offered our house for the use of a buddy and his mistress when we weren't home. He also hides their activities from me. So, he's not only helping them lie to their wives and everyone else, he's also lying to me to cover for them. 

I don't honestly know whether he became a cheater after hanging out with these guys for so long and seeing them get away with it, or whether he was always a prospective cheater and was drawn to these guys because of similar values. But I do know that he has cheated and would probably do so again. And I know that all his friends cheat. Birds of a feather, as they say.

So, no, I'm not okay with being friends with someone who cheats on their partner.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

costa200 said:


> How reliable as a friend can a cheater be? Someone who doesn't have a problem betraying someone that should be the closest person to them... How easy would it be for that person to stab you on the back as soon as it is convenient for them?


:iagree: now that i think about it. 

The phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" comes to mind. Cheaters take it to a whole new level.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

For me it depends on whether they cheated in the past or they are currently cheating. I have absolutely no desire to get involved in someone else's drama. If they're cheating and I know about it while I may not seek out their partner to rat them out I won't lie for them if asked. So if I were to find out one of my friends were in the process of cheating I would have to dissassociate myself. On the other hand someone I knew who cheated in the past I could potentially be friends with depending on whether or not I felt they'd grown since then.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Someone who makes a mistake and does the wrong thing, but it is not typical of them, then yes, I will stay friends and seek to support them.

Someone who sees cheating as a game, then no. To me that is a serious character defect.

Other factor for consideration....when my wife had her affair she was encouraged by two other people who were unhappy in their marriages, starting to cheat, and tried to take her along for the ride to validate their own decisions. So hanging out with cheaters can be plain dangerous.


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## ChristopherConnor29 (Feb 20, 2012)

I believe your wife is afraid they might end up influencing you to start being unfaithful to her. 

I mean a lot of people, specially men, do encouraged their peers to cheat. Some of them might think your life is boring being with one woman only, and might try and get you to "join" them and loose you "faithfull husband virginity". 

Personally I also would be uneasy if my SO had one to many friends who think cheating is okay. I don't believe I'd tell her to end the friendships, but I would certainly be rather suspicious from time to time. 

I don't want to offend anyone, but don't people say that we are often very much like the people we hang out with?


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

This is one of those sensitive subjects, because most people have extremely diffenrent opinions about it.

I can speak out of expirience sort of...I have a friend I have known ever since we were little girls. We both grew up in a small town in the country side of Brazil and when she was 18 she moved to São Paulo, which is one of the largest cities in Brazil. While she lived there she ended up working, for a while, as a prostitute.

I have never condoned this kind of behaviour, however I could never judge her either. I mean, what if my life had taken the same turns hers did? It could have happened to me too.

Now a days she no longer works with that. And even tough she and I don't see each other very often, I am still friends with her. She is the very first friend I made when I was a kid, and I would feel horrible for turning my back on her after all this years of friendship because a really bad choice she made years ago.

But I can see why anyone could be scared of their spouse/gf/bf being friends with someone who lives a doubtfull lifestyle or often makes the same bad choice over and over again. 

Personally I feel unconfortable if my SO had already cheated on me and kept close friendships with guys who condoned/encouraged cheating. I'd fear their comments might make my SO believe his behaviour wasn't so wrong after all and do it again. But if he had never cheated on me, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and just hope he isn't easly influenced by his peers.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Their life their business.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> My SO and I just dealt with this issue recently. One of her oldest friends has been cheating on her husband. This is a couple who typically invites us both over for social events.
> 
> I can't do it. I won't sit there and watch her act like everything is okay and listen to her call him "honey", knowing the guy has no clue while everybody else is in the know already. I haven't seen either one of them since this started, but SO is maintaining her friendship with the wife. However, she seems to see her and talk to her a lot less than she used to, which is fine by me.
> 
> With my history, I don't think hanging out with active cheaters (not necessarily people with remote histories of cheating who are remorseful) would be wise. I'm not really that concerned that their cheater cooties would rub off on me or anything, but still... reminds me of that proverb: The dry reed does not seek the company of the fire.


How about telling the poor SOB,Everybody else you say is in the knoe, why not him. Don't feel sorry for him,drop a dime


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I have to say, i used to cheat.

I did not ever have thoughts of hurting a close friend to me to steal their partner.

That can be arguable.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Or how about all the people that you know, that 
keep cheating a secret from everyone and and you communicate with them blindly...
doesnt make you think any different of them not knowing.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Interesting topic. My angle is a bit different. I discovered my wife's affair earlier this year. I exposed to a few close friends, who ultimately told their wives. In our circle of friends, its pretty much out there. Since the exposure, we have done nothing socially as a couple- for 6 months. In fact most of my wife's friends have snubbed her. But a few close couples have kept contact with me. 

Now we are trying to R, and I think my wife is ready to face our friends. I really hadn't given the idea of how uncomfortable they may be, or if the wife of my good buddy wants to be around my wife. She emailed my wife and tried to reach out, but I can see from this thread, people walk on egg shells with this issue. Perhaps we are both pariahs.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

“Birds of a feather flock together.” A way to tell how someone IS, is to look at the company they keep. And I hate to point this out, but studies show its true... I believe its one of the statistics in “Just Friends” that those who have friendships with cheaters are more likely to cheat themselves.

So there is validity in distancing yourself from people who’d support infidelity regardless of ‘how unique’ their situation is. They can still justify it and you are accepting that it’s “ok for them” to do this selling yourself the idea that ‘it doesn’t involve you or your friendship’. What happens when say your wife starts buying into that idea and decides her and her new ‘friend’ have nothing to do with, or doesn’t involve you like its something ‘separate’ and isolated from her other relationships (like yours with her)? Compartmentalization at its finest when you can decide that things fit in boxes instead of being inter-woven in a very complex web called ‘your life’.


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