# Wife wants to move her nephew into our house for at least 2+ years



## astackofbooks001

My wife (30F) and I (30M) recently got married after 4 years together. She's an immigrant, which means we'll be filing for her green card some time in the next few months. We are also planning on saving for a house, we both just got new jobs, and we are probably wanting to try for a kid in the next year or two. So the future seems bright. Our current situation is that we live in a one bedroom, very small apartment, but like I said, we are working on getting a house. The down payment will probably take about another 6 months to a year of saving.

Over the last 4-5 months, we've discussed her nephew potentially moving in with us (either in a bigger apartment or our house). He's 15 or 16 and would be going to high school here. Initially I was ok with it, but the more I find out about it and the more I think about it, the less I want it to happen. I guess at first I thought it would be like a family member spending an extended vacation with us, but my research has indicated that it's much more serious than that. We would basically become his guardians for at least 2 years and have all of the responsibilities associated with that. I'm not comfortable suddenly have a teenage "son," when I haven't even had my own child yet. The more I learn, the more I realize that this is actually a pretty big deal. On top of that, our marriage is extremely fresh and I want to enjoy it for a little while without outside interference.

Everything is starting to seem so rushed. If her nephew came, it would be within the next 6 months and we don't even have a house yet. My wife said we could just get a bigger apartment temporarily, but my position is that why would we get a bigger apartment (40%+ more in rent, from my research) when we'll have the savings for a house within a year? That's another layer of stress because we'll be able to save less (longer wait for a house), need to move twice, etc.).

I'll do my best to represent her position. She feels like she owes her sister (nephew's mom) because her sister paid for a lot of things when my wife began going to school here. She also feels like this is a great opportunity for her nephew, which it is. I'm very conflicted about the whole situation, but I'm 70% leaning against him moving in with us. I'm a very generous person (one of the reasons my wife says she loves me), but I also believe in not setting yourself on fire to keep someone warm. 

To end this... rant? ...I've tried talking to my wife about this over the last couple weeks and she's fairly aggressive about her desire for her nephew to move in. She is great at making me feel like I'm not doing the right thing and will frequently ask me, "ok, then what's your idea?". That question is in reference to us not having a house and me not wanting to get another apartment right now. My idea is that he doesn't move in because we're not ready (emotionally or financially) for that type of thing at all.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for, but I will take anything.


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## Talker67

hmmmmmm.
"When two cultures collide?"

i had a nephew live with us for 3 months one summer. it was not as bad as i expected it to be.

but 2 years is a LONG TIME.
but this is the formula lots of families use to move to the USA. Someone goes and establishes a beachhead. then the invasion begins! 

It would be a who lot easier for you to take this if there was a "inlaw apartment" set up at your house. A place with its own entrance, its own bathroom/shower. you can in that case barely see the nephew.


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## minimalME

I think you should be honest, and take the heat now.

And, in my opinion, you don't need to come up with alernatives for your wife or for her nephew.

Don't be manipulated into a situation you don't agree with.


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## astackofbooks001

Talker67 said:


> hmmmmmm.
> "When two cultures collide?"
> 
> i had a nephew live with us for 3 months one summer. it was not as bad as i expected it to be.
> 
> but 2 years is a LONG TIME.
> but this is the formula lots of families use to move to the USA. Someone goes and establishes a beachhead. then the invasion begins!
> 
> It would be a who lot easier for you to take this if there was a "inlaw apartment" set up at your house. A place with its own entrance, its own bathroom/shower. you can in that case barely see the nephew.


Yeah and I had discussed with her a few times (prior to marriage) that I was not ok with our residence being multi-generational (parents or grandparents) and she agreed that it's not what she wanted either. The we had discussed her nephew, which as I said, wasn't a huge deal to me at first. I think my main problem with it is the fact that he's a minor, but of course the other concerns also still apply.


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## thunderchad

Be a leader and say no if you don't want this kid living with you.

Why can't he live with his parents?


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## astackofbooks001

thunderchad said:


> Be a leader and say no if you don't want this kid living with you.
> 
> Why can't he live with his parents?


He lives abroad and will be coming here on a school visa. We're his main (but probably not his only) option since he's only 15 or 16.


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## astackofbooks001

minimalME said:


> I think you should be honest, and take the heat now.
> 
> And, in my opinion, you don't need to come up with alernatives for your wife or for her nephew.
> 
> Don't be manipulated into a situation you don't agree wih.


When I try to stay out of it, she brings up the fact that I treat her family as "outsiders" even though he helps my elderly dad a lot. I'm all for caring for her family, but many of the ones in her home country I have never met.


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## GusPolinski

So when are her brother/sister and his/her spouse moving in?

And what about her parents?


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## minimalME

astackofbooks001 said:


> When I try to stay out of it, she brings up the fact that I treat her family as "outsiders" even though he helps my elderly dad a lot. I'm all for caring for her family, but many of the ones in her home country I have never met.


As I said, don't be manipulated.

Be willing to stand firm. 

With situations like this, both of you need to be strongly for it - and you're not.


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## astackofbooks001

GusPolinski said:


> So when are her brother/sister and his/her spouse moving in?
> 
> And what about her parents?


We agreed before getting married that we wouldn't have a multi-generational household. This situation is a little different though since it was supposed to be temporary (2 years). 2 years is a long time, but now I'm hearing that it's really up to her nephew whether he moves out after finishing high school (wth?).


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## astackofbooks001

minimalME said:


> As I said, don't be manipulated.
> 
> Be willing to stand firm.
> 
> With situations like this, both of you need to be strongly for it - and you're not.


I'll do my best to take that advice. The one thing I have going for me is that they need my active participation to make this happen, so I can theoretically just do nothing.


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## Andy1001

You don’t say what country your wife is from but certain cultures see America as the garden of Eden and they will continually try to move family members over there if they have any opportunity whatsoever. You may be seeing the tip of the iceberg buddy, be ready for a lifetime of supporting immigrants from your wife’s extended family especially if she’s from the Philippines.


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## Talker67

i have heard a number of stories where the brother or nephew shows up to stay in your house, and a year later you find out your wife had been actually married in her 3rd world country, and that "brother" is actually her husband. by then, there are ten other people living in your house....so not much you can do


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## pastasauce79

I'm an immigrant too, and I had friends asking me if I could host their kids for a few months. I considered at first, but then I thought about the responsibility and said sorry, I can't. 

I'm an introvert who likes solitude, privacy, and silence. I'm busy enough with my own two kids, I really don't have the energy to host a teenager. 

Hosting a child is like fostering a child. You are responsible for everything they want or do; school, housing, food, transportation, extra curricular activities, vacations, etc. And you'll have to say goodbye to time alone and time with your wife. You won't be able to walk naked around the apartment, or burp, fart, etc. I don't know about you, but I need my privacy. 

Your wife needs to understand you are not from her culture and you don't feel comfortable hosting her nephew right now. 

She needs to figure out another way to pay her sister back.


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## EleGirl

Are his parents providing any financial support? If not, why not?

Is this something that her entire extended family is pushing?


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## astackofbooks001

EleGirl said:


> Are his parents providing any financial support? If not, why not?
> 
> Is this something that her entire extended family is pushing?


Her parents are paying for the school tuition, but my wife (and I by extension) would provide food.
I've only seen her sister and her talk about it. No idea what her mom, dad, or anyone else thinks.


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## EleGirl

astackofbooks001 said:


> Her parents are paying for the school tuition, but my wife (and I by extension) would provide food.
> I've only seen her sister and her talk about it. No idea what her mom, dad, or anyone else thinks.


Have you ever met this boy? How much interaction have you had with him?


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## Livvie

Having had 2 teenage boys, I will say that you probably have no idea what will be coming your way, especially since you aren't already a parent. 

It's the extra grocery shopping, meal planning, daily cooking and dishes, sharing a bathroom, laundry, giving him rides places, medical appointments, school events. 

Basically you will be adopting a teen boy.

2 years?? And, do you really think he's going to move out as soon as he graduates high school?

This is the end of your privacy and marriage as you know it if you opt to take in a teenage boy.


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## astackofbooks001

EleGirl said:


> Have you ever met this boy? How much interaction have you had with him?


I've tutored him in English for about 6 months. He's very good in English, but just needed more practice with a native speaker. He seems nice enough, but I have heard of a couple stories that sounds like "typical teenager".


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## Livvie

Heck, some people even get tired of their OWN teenagers.

Also I think you have no idea what a money suck this is going to be.


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## astackofbooks001

Livvie said:


> Having had 2 teenage boys, I will say that you probably have no idea what will be coming your way, especially since you aren't already a parent.
> 
> It's the extra grocery shopping, meal planning, daily cooking and dishes, sharing a bathroom, laundry, giving him rides places, medical appointments, school events.
> 
> Basically you will be adopting a teen boy.
> 
> 2 years?? And, do you really think he's going to move out as soon as he graduates high school?
> 
> This is the end of your privacy and marriage as you know it if you opt to take in a teenage boy.


Great points. I also thought about the 2 years thing. I wanted to move out as soon as possible when I was an adult, just because that's what young adults want, but the reality was different. I didn't have an opportunity to move out for a few more years and I know family members in their late teens going through the same thing right now. They want to move out, but need to save, find a place they can afford, think about school, etc.


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## BigDaddyNY

I personally would never have agreed to my wife's nephew living with us for 2 years, unless it was to rescue him from an abusive situation or something along those lines. I love him, but he isn't my kid. Not to mention you are newly married. This may be the only time you have for just the two of you until your own kids move out down the road. Your focus should be on solidifying your marriage, not raising a relative's child. 

Just don't be wishy washy. If you don't want it, say so now and be clear about why. Your wife and your time with her are precious and your first priority. It is nothing against her family, it is just the way it should be. Once married you are each other's top priority.


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## EleGirl

astackofbooks001 said:


> I've tutored him in English for about 6 months. He's very good in English, but just needed more practice with a native speaker. He seems nice enough, but I have heard of a couple stories that sounds like "typical teenager".


What's his education opportunities in his own country? If his grandparents can afford to pay his education in the US, surely, they can afford private school in their own country.


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## Diceplayer

When I'm doing pre-marital financial counseling, I always recommend that the couple takes at least a year to work on their marriage. That means forgoing buying a house, having children or anything else that adds stress to the new union. marriage is hard enough and that first year of working on the marriage relationship is important. You say that you were married recently but don't say how long you have been married, so in my opinion, if you have been married for less than a year, this idea would be a hard no.

It's important not to treat your wife as the enemy in this situation. You two are a team and it's important to keep that mind set. So you would need a larger apartment and the additional rent would probably cause you to slow down your savings for the down payment on the house. I know that's not preferrable but it's not a big deal. You two have a lot of time together and it would go a long way in showing love to your wife.

With that being said, if you do allow him to come live with you, you and your wife need to agree on some hard boundaries. First, his parents provide 100% of the expenses, including food, clothing, books, spending money, everything. Second, it is NOT his decision on whether or not he moves out after 2 years. The agreement should be that when he turns 18, he is out on his own; no ifs, ands, or buts about it. You have 2 years to prepare and teach him how to live on his own and that would have to be understood going in. Trust me, he will be a better man for it.


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## Openminded

You would be providing food but who would be providing everything else he would need during that time?


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## Marc878

You’ll be sssssoooorrrrrrrrrryyyyyy.


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## Evinrude58

I agree with your concerns, and also think this is just a drop in the bucket compared to the requests to come.


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## Talker67

Livvie said:


> Having had 2 teenage boys, I will say that you probably have no idea what will be coming your way, especially since you aren't already a parent.
> 
> It's the extra grocery shopping, meal planning, daily cooking and dishes, sharing a bathroom, laundry, giving him rides places, medical appointments, school events.
> 
> Basically you will be adopting a teen boy.
> 
> 2 years?? And, do you really think he's going to move out as soon as he graduates high school?
> 
> This is the end of your privacy and marriage as you know it if you opt to take in a teenage boy.


that is what it was like when my nephew was here for 3 months. He was a little older, and was doing a Co-op engineering job for the summer before he went back to college. So we did not have any "teenage" sort of issues. and it was good to see him, since he is all the way across the country and we did not really have any previous time to get to knmow him. 

but i would be lying if i said it was not an inconvenience. 

that said, people do this sort of thing all the time.

will said student be going back home during summer recess of the school? you having a few months without him there between stays would be a welcome relief/


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## Numb26




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## Diana7

Are there other family members who could have him for half the time? What happens if he goes on to college or uni after high school? Will he stay with you? 
Few 18 year olds can afford to move out straight after high school.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

astackofbooks001 said:


> Yeah and I had discussed with her a few times (prior to marriage) that I was not ok with our residence being multi-generational (parents or grandparents) and she agreed that it's not what she wanted either. The we had discussed her nephew, which as I said, wasn't a huge deal to me at first. I think my main problem with it is the fact that he's a minor, but of course the other concerns also still apply.


As a teenager you'll also be having his friends over, and prepare for a much larger grocery bill and electric bill.

Whether to say yes or no, that's up to you.

Perhaps say he can stay 6 mos or less, or stick with no. Remember it's YOUR marriage too. If this sinks the boat better now than years and kids later.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree with your concerns, and also think this is just a drop in the bucket compared to the requests to come.


Probably. Soon comes the in laws and cousins. 🙄🙄🙄😮😮😮


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## astackofbooks001

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> As a teenager you'll also be having his friends over, and prepare for a much larger grocery bill and electric bill.
> 
> Whether to say yes or no, that's up to you.
> 
> Perhaps say he can stay 6 mos or less, or stick with no. Remember it's YOUR marriage too. If this sinks the boat better now than years and kids later.


I really hate to think about divorce, or as you put it: "sinking the boat," but I think you're right. If it's a deal breaker for her, I'd rather find out now than later.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

astackofbooks001 said:


> I really hate to think about divorce, or as you put it: "sinking the boat," but I think you're right. If it's a deal breaker for her, I'd rather find out now than later.


Because if no causes huge problem for her, that's telling you you're second to her already.


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## bavarian69

Dude...look at my post of several months back "bavarian69". I fell for the "temp" family from overseas and I am still trying to deal with it. It will absolutely destroy the best time in your marriage. All amorous; instantaneous love making and fun loving will be squashed by an outsider. It happened to me with my in-laws moving in when we were newly married.


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## happyhusband0005

astackofbooks001 said:


> Great points. I also thought about the 2 years thing. I wanted to move out as soon as possible when I was an adult, just because that's what young adults want, but the reality was different. I didn't have an opportunity to move out for a few more years and I know family members in their late teens going through the same thing right now. They want to move out, but need to save, find a place they can afford, think about school, etc.


Just for reference, I have a 15yo son and a 13yo daughter. It is not an exaggeration to say my son is at least half of our grocery bills. He's a serious athlete so that probably adds a bit more to the cost than a typical teen boy but If I had to guess it's $100-$150 a week to feed the animal. No joke I had to buy an extra fridge and freezer so I don't have to go to the store every day.


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## bavarian69

astackofbooks001 said:


> I really hate to think about divorce, or as you put it: "sinking the boat," but I think you're right. If it's a deal breaker for her, I'd rather find out now than later.


I have been dealing with a MIL in the house for near 17 years now. My DW just won't hear about getting setting her up in an apartment. We can well afford it. I have given up trying to make it happen in the short run. So I do my own thing and make plans. Please make a life for yourselves and devote every thought and deed to making your adventure together yours and yours alone. I f'ed up my chance at that, don't do the same.


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## astackofbooks001

bavarian69 said:


> I have been dealing with a MIL in the house for near 17 years now. My DW just won't hear about getting setting her up in an apartment. We can well afford it. I have given up trying to make it happen in the short run. So I do my own thing and make plans. Please make a life for yourselves and devote every thought and deed to making your adventure together yours and yours alone. I f'ed up my chance at that, don't do the same.


Your situation sounds crazy and I hope you work it out. Thanks for sharing and I'm definitely going to keep that in the back of my mind.


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## Diceplayer

Diana7 said:


> Few 18 year olds can afford to move out straight after high school.


They can in the US if they are brought up properly and they know that it is expected.


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## Talker67

EleGirl said:


> What's his education opportunities in his own country? If his grandparents can afford to pay his education in the US, surely, they can afford private school in their own country.


i was thinking that maybe the family chips in and the kid boards at the school, and can VISIT you on the weekends for a quick meal, wash his clothes, etc....

a lot of why a kid from a foreign land would come to America to study is to LIVE on campus, and really learn what life is like here, perfect his english, and so on. that is harder to do if he ends class every afternoon and comes to talk to his aunt.


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## joannacroc

This reads like a major mistake in the making. I deeply regret letting my ex's mom come live with us. His teen who I thought would be no big deal because he is a good kid? Prepare for moody silences, slamming doors, oppressive grumpiness marinating in the air, huge amounts of money spent on his social life, sports, activities. God forbid he ends up staying for college - will he be paying for college? What will those expectations look like for the kid? The famly could spin this and be like "well of COURSE you'll pay for college because you helped him for high school." I would nip this in the bud now if you really don't want it. You basically lost any focus on you guys as a couple. A lot of people say yes to be nice to their spouse, but in the end DO NOT let yourself be guilted into something that could cause the marriage to break up. Like this.


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## She'sStillGotIt

astackofbooks001 said:


> _*Her parents are paying for the school tuition, but my wife (and I by extension) would provide food.
> I've only seen her sister and her talk about it. No idea what her mom, dad, or anyone else thinks.*_


So her deadbeat sister expects *YOU* to foot the bill for everything else for HER son?????

Culture or not, that's some serious gall she's got.

Not for nuthin', but your wife* isn't even a citizen yet*, and she's *already* trying to use you to bring her family over to the promised land? Did you meet this woman on some kind of foreign mail order bride website?


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## Diana7

Diceplayer said:


> They can in the US if they are brought up properly and they know that it is expected.


Its not about being brought up properly it's about being able to afford it.


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## red oak

astackofbooks001 said:


> The one thing I have going for me is that they need my active participation to make this happen, so I can theoretically just do nothing.


Just what does that mean?
And on another note, unless I miss reading, your wife has lied already. To quote you you said “You both agreed to not have a multi generational household quote. So what is the difference With what she is asking?


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## red oak

I’d also like to say if you agree to this it’s pretty well known in certain salesmanship circles get someone to say yes to a smaller thing and it’s much easier to get them to say yes to something larger in the future.


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## Cynthia

If you saying no sinks your marriage, she was only using you anyway. I don't mean to be flippant, and I'm sorry this is happening.
Saying yes to something that you are not in agreement with is not going to improve your marriage. It will set a precedent that will keep on biting you. In marriage, the idea is to come to agreement and make decisions together. She may be having trouble saying no to her sister. I recommend that you be the fall guy and let her tell her sister that you said no. You do not have to explain yourself to her sister. There is no need to discuss it further. 
As far as discussing it with your wife, tell her that this is not what you two agreed upon and that you are not willing to take this on. Period. The end. Don't let her get into a habit of manipulating you or you'll find yourself with ten people living in your house.
I am not against helping family. We have had a niece and a nephew live with us at different times. One was for three years. It was fine for us, but our situation was entirely different than yours and my husband agreed it was the right thing to do without me badgering or manipulating him.


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## Evinrude58

It seems to me that you are just a stepping stone for your wife and her family. As said, you should say no if for no other reason than setting precedent. How many other in laws will need YOU to alter your plans and your life for their benefit? 

The circumstances of you meeting your wife might give clues to the true motives, regarding this request being a one-off or a pattern.

You are right— you’re in a new marriage. Spend this time getting to know your wife.
There are a whole lot of cultures where children are taught that their role in life is to get to America and assist the family back home however they can. I understand it, but it’s not great for marriages for a person to feel used.


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## EleGirl

Talker67 said:


> i was thinking that maybe the family chips in and the kid boards at the school, and can VISIT you on the weekends for a quick meal, wash his clothes, etc....
> 
> a lot of why a kid from a foreign land would come to America to study is to LIVE on campus, and really learn what life is like here, perfect his english, and so on. that is harder to do if he ends class every afternoon and comes to talk to his aunt.


I've known quite a few kids who did this in high school. Even had a couple of friends whose parents rented them an apartment near the school.


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## bavarian69

Evinrude58 said:


> It seems to me that you are just a stepping stone for your wife and her family. As said, you should say no if for no other reason than setting precedent. How many other in laws will need YOU to alter your plans and your life for their benefit?
> 
> The circumstances of you meeting your wife might give clues to the true motives, regarding this request being a one-off or a pattern.
> 
> You are right— you’re in a new marriage. Spend this time getting to know your wife.
> There are a whole lot of cultures where children are taught that their role in life is to get to America and assist the family back home however they can. I understand it, but it’s not great for marriages for a person to feel used.


Evinrude is 100% correct. Every major decision from housing, careers, vacations, food, expenses have been altered or determined by having the in-laws living with us. My FIL has since passed but MIL will probably live forever. It is a resentment that is ever present from my first waking moment to the time I put my head on the pillow. I think most have urged caution, nuff said.


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## DownByTheRiver

astackofbooks001 said:


> My wife (30F) and I (30M) recently got married after 4 years together. She's an immigrant, which means we'll be filing for her green card some time in the next few months. We are also planning on saving for a house, we both just got new jobs, and we are probably wanting to try for a kid in the next year or two. So the future seems bright. Our current situation is that we live in a one bedroom, very small apartment, but like I said, we are working on getting a house. The down payment will probably take about another 6 months to a year of saving.
> 
> Over the last 4-5 months, we've discussed her nephew potentially moving in with us (either in a bigger apartment or our house). He's 15 or 16 and would be going to high school here. Initially I was ok with it, but the more I find out about it and the more I think about it, the less I want it to happen. I guess at first I thought it would be like a family member spending an extended vacation with us, but my research has indicated that it's much more serious than that. We would basically become his guardians for at least 2 years and have all of the responsibilities associated with that. I'm not comfortable suddenly have a teenage "son," when I haven't even had my own child yet. The more I learn, the more I realize that this is actually a pretty big deal. On top of that, our marriage is extremely fresh and I want to enjoy it for a little while without outside interference.
> 
> Everything is starting to seem so rushed. If her nephew came, it would be within the next 6 months and we don't even have a house yet. My wife said we could just get a bigger apartment temporarily, but my position is that why would we get a bigger apartment (40%+ more in rent, from my research) when we'll have the savings for a house within a year? That's another layer of stress because we'll be able to save less (longer wait for a house), need to move twice, etc.).
> 
> I'll do my best to represent her position. She feels like she owes her sister (nephew's mom) because her sister paid for a lot of things when my wife began going to school here. She also feels like this is a great opportunity for her nephew, which it is. I'm very conflicted about the whole situation, but I'm 70% leaning against him moving in with us. I'm a very generous person (one of the reasons my wife says she loves me), but I also believe in not setting yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
> 
> To end this... rant? ...I've tried talking to my wife about this over the last couple weeks and she's fairly aggressive about her desire for her nephew to move in. She is great at making me feel like I'm not doing the right thing and will frequently ask me, "ok, then what's your idea?". That question is in reference to us not having a house and me not wanting to get another apartment right now. My idea is that he doesn't move in because we're not ready (emotionally or financially) for that type of thing at all.
> 
> I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for, but I will take anything.


I don't believe there will ever be an end to bringing the family over. After him it will be someone else. And I imagine you also need to watch where the money is going because she likely will be sending it back home.


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## Evinrude58

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't believe there will ever be an end to bringing the family over. After him it will be someone else. And I imagine you also need to watch where the money is going because she likely will be sending it back home.


I agree………. Damn that hurt


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## aine

@astackofbooks001 sorry you find yourself in this predicament but it is one that is all too common when you have different cultural values and there could be a little bit of bait and switch going on. I see a red flag in that your wife loved that you were generous when you met, one of the things she loved about you. A hem! All too often we find ladies from certain countries believe their man should accept and pay for everything to do with her family (I have seen it too many times). You need to lay down boundaries now, be firm or next it will be her aging parents coming to stay, some relative who needs financing for his degree back home, or some medical emergency for a cousin. Having a teenager come live with you is a huge commitment for anyone neverminded a young newly married couple.I do not see why you should change your plans for housing, financing etc to suit the needs of another family. It is irrelevant that her sister financed her studies, that is not your obligation. I heard the same BS when I married my H that I should help finance his brother's education and I flatly refused saying I was not involved in that decision and owed none of them a penny! Be firm otherwise you will be sucked dry on every level. This is prevalent in the mind sets of many from certain countries namely Philippines, Thailand, etc. I see many cry about it when it is too late. BTW does your wife work? If she is not working I would suggest she finances everything for this teenager. Don't spend one penny. it will never end.


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## aine

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So her deadbeat sister expects *YOU* to foot the bill for everything else for HER son?????
> 
> Culture or not, that's some serious gall she's got.
> 
> Not for nuthin', but your wife* isn't even a citizen yet*, and she's *already* trying to use you to bring her family over to the promised land? Did you meet this woman on some kind of foreign mail order bride website?


It is a perfectly reasonable expectation in many Asian cultures. You scratch my back, I scratch yours but the problem is it is usually some unsuspecting foreigner footing the bill until it is too late.


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## Andy1001

aine said:


> It is a perfectly reasonable expectation in many Asian cultures. You scratch my back, I scratch yours but the problem is it is usually some unsuspecting foreigner footing the bill until it is too late.


This is just the beginning. In a couple of years another relative will want to stay and the reasoning will be “we let xxxx stay, we can’t refuse yyyy”. Rinse and repeat.


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## marko polo

_Everything is starting to seem so rushed. 

To end this... rant? ...I've tried talking to my wife about this over the last couple weeks and she's fairly aggressive about her desire for her nephew to move in. She is great at making me feel like I'm not doing the right thing _

You have valid concerns. Biggest one is why the rush? Perhaps you should speak to a lawyer just in case. To have a full understanding of what your responsibilities would be legally to her _nephew_.

Also wouldn't hurt to speak with one that specializes in divorce either. Likely your wife will become less and less reasonable on this topic. Likely she will withdraw all affection and intimacy.

Regardless what lawyer you speak to do so discreetly and without her knowing. She has some sort of agenda and it is best for you to be cautious. Do you know if her nephew has a criminal past/record? This urgency to move him in an effort to help him escape and avoid consequences back home. 

Are you even certain this person is actually her nephew and not a boyfriend, lover or husband she is trying to pass off as her nephew?

You haven't filed for her green card yet. Would recommend you wait on doing this until your situation with the _nephew_ is resolved to your satisfaction.


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## BeyondRepair007

@astackofbooks001 Put aside the issue of the international component and the risk of bait/switch. If this were a nephew living in another US state and wanted to come live with you, I would still say "No".

The reason is posted by DicePlayer. It's important, especially in new marriages, to protect your marriage from disruption until such a point that you and your wife are more 'in sync' ad strong enough to handle adversity. Having ANYONE live with you is a much larger issue than it sounds on the surface. Even in my marriage of 20y there would be many long conversations before we even thought about doing something like this.

Best of luck OP, I hope your marriage remains strong and wonderful whatever you decide.




Diceplayer said:


> When I'm doing pre-marital financial counseling, I always recommend that the couple takes at least a year to work on their marriage. That means forgoing buying a house, having children or anything else that adds stress to the new union. marriage is hard enough and that first year of working on the marriage relationship is important. You say that you were married recently but don't say how long you have been married, so in my opinion, if you have been married for less than a year, this idea would be a hard no.
> 
> It's important not to treat your wife as the enemy in this situation. You two are a team and it's important to keep that mind set. So you would need a larger apartment and the additional rent would probably cause you to slow down your savings for the down payment on the house. I know that's not preferrable but it's not a big deal. You two have a lot of time together and it would go a long way in showing love to your wife.


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## Talker67

aine said:


> BTW does your wife work? If she is not working I would suggest she finances everything for this teenager. Don't spend one penny. it will never end.


this is a good test! Is the wife making enough money to fund nephew? Make that a rule, and you will have avoided the dreaded: "here are my twelve brothers coming to stay with us in our home" inevitability

i have to admit, i am being a little hypocritiical here. The above method of moving to the USA is EXACTLY what my grandparents used back in 1905 to get here. they moved, with really not a penny to their name, here. Went to an ethnic community that was "user friendly" to them. then as the family grew, one would find work in a new area, get an apartment, then 3 of my uncles would move in there, and also find jobs. then they would move their families to the new area. eventually grandma and grandpa were brought along. 

so it is not necessarily an evil thing that is going on in emigrating to our country....it is tradition, human nature.

it, in the OPs case, is just something he might not be aware of. He needs to go into this with his eyes wide open.
and who knows, maybe it is only for this one student to get an education! it might be 2 years of inconvenience, but some good experiences too, then the student goes back home!


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## astackofbooks001

aine said:


> @astackofbooks001 BTW does your wife work? If she is not working I would suggest she finances everything for this teenager. Don't spend one penny. it will never end.


She works now and makes decent money, but no where close the amount of money I make at my own job. We just work in way different industries with different salaries. Her salary is only about 30% of my own. Due to that, she does pay a good portion for household expenses, but I typically pay for most stuff since I make a lot more. Initially I had told her that as long as she contributes our agreed upon amount to our joint account, she can spend her extra money on anything. We have a joint account for household expenses, vacation planning, big purchases, etc. In reference to her nephew, I told her that if she chooses to spend her extra money on her nephew instead of a trip to the spa, makeup, or other stuff that she wanted, that was her choice.

However, now I'm rethinking that. While I still want her to spend her extra money on anything she wants, her nephew is a much bigger issue than just money. It's the responsibility, the set back of our marriage, the "stranger" living in our house, etc. The conversation will be hard, but I think I should talk to her soon and give her a firm no. I just regret ever saying yes before thoroughly thinking it over and doing research.


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## Evinrude58

It will be interesting to see if another poster is right in that your wife is predicted to pull back affection and intimacy over the no.
But I don’t mean for you to test her, I think it’s a reasonable decision to say no.


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## BeyondRepair007

Evinrude58 said:


> It will be interesting to see if another poster is right in that your wife is predicted to pull back affection and intimacy over the no.
> But I don’t mean for you to test her, I think it’s a reasonable decision to say no.


Agreed. I'm wondering just how important is this to her...and why. Hoping for the best though.


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## pastasauce79

Her nephew could apply to one of those international student exchange programs. I came through one of those. There is a specific program for HS seniors, they come to a US high school, for the whole academic year to immerse in the culture. The kids live with a host family and the family does whatever the kid needs during that period of time. 

Your nephew's family has to pay for the program. It's not cheap, but if they are going to spend the money sending the kid to your house, why not sending him to a host family who is willing to host a teenager? He might find a host family in the same area you guys are at. 

EF offers those programs. You can check them out and see if that's an alternative for your wife's nephew.


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## Lynnevicious

As a mom to 3 teens, I can tell you the cost to keep them is astronomical, and everything is now 30-40% more expensive with the inflation with no sign of stopping - you’re looking at probably at least an additional 10k on expenses per year, along with being legally responsible for him. since you haven’t been a parent yet to ease you into it, it’s going to be even more difficult. 

I do too worry about generations living with you from your wife’s country. You said you both spoke about not wanting that, but she’s already starting that. You’ll be opening Pandora’s box. 



If his parents are only paying for school and nothing else, expect to pay


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## red oak

Although her family was American I’ll tell you my experience, and why it’s best not to ever say yes to begin with.
With my first wife a few in her family would end up getting kicked out of houses, or moving and not having a place to stay. Of course I said yes not knowing it was going to become a recurring situation for others in her family. 
First time it happened about 9 months into our marriage I was asked if they could stay a few days until they found a house. (We’re talking a husband,wife and 4 kids)
A few days turned into a month. They didn’t get a place until after I talked to the brother in law and said I’d had enough.
3 months later a different member and their family needed a place.
During the 15 years of our marriage I think the longest respite was maybe 12 months. Actually don’t think had that much of one.
It cost mentally, emotionally and financially. The last time it ended up being a brother in law, his wife and 5, or 6 kids plus mine in house.
Agreement for them to pay half the bills 😂 I’d get stuck with bills, once they were gone that could barely pay cause they had doubled, sometimes tripled, plus food budget shot up cause they never seemed to buy enough food to feed their own. Not to mention seemed they never had enough while staying to cover the extra cost of utilities.

Nothing wrong with helping someone but have to be extremely careful as it comes to be expected and after you say yes once the anger for future refusals by extended family is going to be magnified.
No one outside you will take care of the things important to you like you will.

Based on my experience not only would I tell her no, it would be a when hell freezes over.


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## Cynthia

@astackofbooks001,
I'm sorry that I missed earlier how deep into this you are and that you not only have already told your wife "yes," but you gave her the go ahead to spend what amounts to her personal money on caring for her nephew. Changing your mind is going to have huge ramifications. You are going to have to be very humble and apologize for changing your mind. Explain to her that you didn't realize how much of a commitment this would be and how negatively it would impact your marriage.

Very likely your wife has already told her family that you said "yes." Now going back to them and telling them "no," when they are busy making plans and changes to make this happen, possibly even spent money, is going to be a big problem. You will have to be there for your wife 100% to love and support her in dealing with the mess this now is.

Others have mentioned that your wife may withhold affection from you, if you say no, because she is manipulating you, but the fact that you already said "yes" changes things drastically. She may in fact withhold affection due to being hurt and not trusting you, if she can't rely on your word. How you deal with this is going to impact how your marriage is going forward.

I'm not saying you should allow the nephew to come. I am saying that you need to really think about how to work through this with your wife, so it doesn't ruin your marriage.

@pastasauce mentioned that the family could look into a formal student exchange program. You could offer that as an alternative and suggest that she contribute financially to helping pay for it.


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## astackofbooks001

Cynthia said:


> @astackofbooks001,
> I'm sorry that I missed earlier how deep into this you are and that you not only have already told your wife "yes," but you gave her the go ahead to spend what amounts to her personal money on caring for her nephew. Changing your mind is going to have huge ramifications. You are going to have to be very humble and apologize for changing your mind. Explain to her that you didn't realize how much of a commitment this would be and how negatively it would impact your marriage.
> 
> Very likely your wife has already told her family that you said "yes." Now going back to them and telling them "no," when they are busy making plans and changes to make this happen, possibly even spent money, is going to be a big problem. You will have to be there for your wife 100% to love and support her in dealing with the mess this now is.
> 
> Others have mentioned that your wife may withhold affection from you, if you say no, because she is manipulating you, but the fact that you already said "yes" changes things drastically. She may in fact withhold affection due to being hurt and not trusting you, if she can't rely on your word. How you deal with this is going to impact how your marriage is going forward.
> 
> I'm not saying you should allow the nephew to come. I am saying that you need to really think about how to work through this with your wife, so it doesn't ruin your marriage.
> 
> @pastasauce mentioned that the family could look into a formal student exchange program. You could offer that as an alternative and suggest that she contribute financially to helping pay for it.


It's definitely a huge regret on my part, but i feel like not stopping it now is only going to make it worse later. Once he's here it will be nearly impossible to fix this situation.


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## Cynthia

astackofbooks001 said:


> It's definitely a huge regret on my part, but i feel like not stopping it now is only going to make it worse later. Once he's here it will be nearly impossible to fix this situation.


You're right. That's why it's very important that you handle this as well as possible. Be humble, loving, understanding, and apologetic. Work through it with your wife. This may end up being a huge blowout with her family. She will need your support.


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## Talker67

Cynthia said:


> You're right. That's why it's very important that you handle this as well as possible. Be humble, loving, understanding, and apologetic. Work through it with your wife. This may end up being a huge blowout with her family. She will need your support.


i still think a halfway measure would work best.
arrange on-campus room and board. Heck, you can even chip in for some of it.
and take the nephew on certain weekends for some home cooking.....

that way you are not THE BAD GUY, but instead an industrious hard working husband who is trying to find a solution.


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## Evinrude58

Don’t worry about being the bad guy. Be the firm, strong, resolute guy that you should have been to start off with. You should have the power to say NO in the relationship to dine thing like this. Honestly, I suspect you need a lot of practice saying no.
No time to start like the present.
And don’t let anyone sucker you into second guessing yourself.


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## red oak

astackofbooks001 said:


> It's definitely a huge regret on my part, *but i feel like not stopping it now is only going to make it worse later.* Once he's here it will be nearly impossible to fix this situation.


Correct. 
like someone else said sit down and have a long discussion and explain why you’re changing your mind. 
You’ll find out where her allegiances lay.
Because of what I allowed with my XW family I wasn’t living my life. 
Rather than living My life it became being a proxy for supporting others and recovery financial depletion rather than being able to save money for better vehicles, home repairs, retirement etc.
Not saying your situation would be like that, however her tactics are all too familiar. Unless I misread you both had similar goals then she sprang this on you after marriage. From my experience her mention of what she loves about you and her change of plans after marriage would have me questioning her motives until she proved otherwise. 

Better to find out now before you have children so you can move on with your life if need be withoutgreater complications.


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## Al_Bundy

I would avoid having a kid for now..........at least 2 years if you get my drift. Seriously, who knows how this will affect your marriage. Adding more stress by adding a baby is a VERY bad idea. It looks like you are already going to have AT LEAST one more person to take care of. Don't make it worse.


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## DownByTheRiver

I wouldn't even have children until I got it sorted if you guys can even agree on your family lifestyle because I think she's going to try to bring all her relatives over and lean on you for it.


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## Diana7

Are there any other family members who could have him for say half the time?


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## astackofbooks001

To anyone that sees this:

I was about to talk to my wife about my concerns and give her a firm "no," but she mentioned a few things to me. She told me that her nephew even being able to come here is up in the air. First one, his school transcripts are not good, which lowers his chance that this private school will accept him. He also has to pass an interview with the school and another one with the US embassy.

With all of that being said, should I risk not saying anything in the hope that he just can't come regardless? That could avoid the argument and me being the "bad guy." The downside of that approach is that there is still a small chance he could come or come in the future.

Opinions?


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> To anyone that sees this:
> 
> I was about to talk to my wife about my concerns and give her a firm "no," but she mentioned a few things to me. She told me that her nephew even being able to come here is up in the air. First one, his school transcripts are not good, which lowers his chance that this private school will accept him. He also has to pass an interview with the school and another one with the US embassy.
> 
> With all of that being said, should I risk not saying anything in the hope that he just can't come regardless? That could avoid the argument and me being the "bad guy." The downside of that approach is that there is still a small chance he could come or come in the future.
> 
> Opinions?


I would start the conversations anyway. Maybe with a bit softer stance than planned.
"I'm kind of glad there are hurdles because I'm starting to have second thoughts", that sort of thing.

If you wait until he jumps through all the hoops to say something, and he passes those tests, it might not go very well for you.

my 2 cents.


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## Evinrude58

astackofbooks001 said:


> To anyone that sees this:
> 
> I was about to talk to my wife about my concerns and give her a firm "no," but she mentioned a few things to me. She told me that her nephew even being able to come here is up in the air. First one, his school transcripts are not good, which lowers his chance that this private school will accept him. He also has to pass an interview with the school and another one with the US embassy.
> 
> With all of that being said, should I risk not saying anything in the hope that he just can't come regardless? That could avoid the argument and me being the "bad guy." The downside of that approach is that there is still a small chance he could come or come in the future.
> 
> Opinions?


Honest opinion: Your passive, confrontation avoiding attitude is going to cost you an otherwise happy life.

Be a leader, voice your decision in a loving but firm way, and be done with this nonsense in your life. If you are so passive you can’t determine who lives in your home, you’re going to screw up your relationship one way or another. This is YOUR home. You are not required to share it with whomever your wife chooses, for whatever reason. You have a choice


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## astackofbooks001

Thanks for everyone's opinions and suggestions so far. I just spoke to my wife and laid out my thoughts, while giving a firm no. She was obviously upset and told my she'd inform her sister (nephew's mother) and her nephew. However, she did try to manipulate me (make me feel bad? scare me?) by asking the rhetorical question, "what is my sister going to think about you?" She also told me that this is probably going to get back to her parents, insinuating that they aren't going to like me, I guess.

While I feel like technically the conversation was wrapped up, I'm expecting this to come back around again once she thinks about what to say.


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## Rob_1

astackofbooks001 said:


> With all of that being said, should I risk not saying anything in the hope that he just can't come regardless? That could avoid the argument and me being the "bad guy."


Absolutely not. You should and you must, make it clear to her right now that you are not willing to do this for her nephew, or for anyone else. Get this out the way now while the relationship is still new. This can and usually will give you a gauge to her intentions toward the relationship.


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## bavarian69

astackofbooks001 said:


> Thanks for everyone's opinions and suggestions so far. I just spoke to my wife and laid out my thoughts, while giving a firm no. She was obviously upset and told my she'd inform her sister (nephew's mother) and her nephew. However, she did try to manipulate me (make me feel bad? scare me?) by asking the rhetorical question, "what is my sister going to think about you?" She also told me that this is probably going to get back to her parents, insinuating that they aren't going to like me, I guess.
> 
> While I feel like technically the conversation was wrapped up, I'm expecting this to come back around again once she thinks about what to say.


Believe me she will respect you more if you stand strong. I wish I had when I had the chance; but I wanted to be the nice guy and "save" people. If you let this happen and then realize that it isnt working, unraveling everything will be even worse.
Also if this goes anyway like it did for me you'll end up resenting your wife. At that point who cares what the relatives think.


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## astackofbooks001

bavarian69 said:


> Believe me she will respect you more if you stand strong. I wish I had when I had the chance; but I wanted to be the nice guy and "save" people. If you let this happen and then realize that it isnt working, unraveling everything will be even worse.
> Also if this goes anyway like it did for me you'll end up resenting your wife. At that point who cares what the relatives think.


I fully expect to continue standing strong. She also mentioned how I'm basically "crushing her nephew's dreams" because he practiced English, worked hard, and now I'm basically standing in his way. The only thing I just kept remembering were the many comments here saying "don't be manipulated."


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## astackofbooks001

As expected, it didn't go as well as it looked on the surface. She's staying in our bedroom with the door locked and is telling me she wants to be alone. So far she's mentioned that she does all types of things for my dad, but I'm basically turning my back on her family. I've also heard from her that she feels like she has no control since she doesn't make as much money as I do. I've never tried to control her with money and I actually feel like I have no (less) control since I can never say no without an argument.

Edit: At this time I'm basically just playing it cool and letting her cool off. I told her when she's ready to talk more we can talk.


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## Rob_1

Play it cool. Sooner, hopefully not later, she will show you who she really is and what was her aim in the relationship with you.


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## astackofbooks001

Another update:

She came out and talked to me through tears. She really said some stuff that hurt. I told her I care and love her nephew, but she replied strongly with "no, you don't!" She told me all I care about is someone taking something from me. She said I'm cold and selfish, and I've changed since the marriage (which was two months ago). I was told that if she knew "who I really was" she wouldn't have married me. She then told me that I don't need to file a green card for her and that I can live in my (future) house alone.

So... that was fun.


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## Rob_1

Well, as you can see, the light is starting to shine on her. I could be wrong, but I could bet that she married you for the green card and as an anchor to her family. She is probably starting to check if she needs to bail out and find another sucker to anchor her family.


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> Another update:
> 
> She came out and talked to me through tears. She really said some stuff that hurt. I told her I care and love her nephew, but she replied strongly with "no, you don't!" She told me all I care about is someone taking something from me. She said I'm cold and selfish, and I've changed since the marriage (which was two months ago). I was told that if she knew "who I really was" she wouldn't have married me. She then told me that I don't need to file a green card for her and that I can live in my (future) house alone.
> 
> So... that was fun.


Oh man, that's tough to hear.
Does it make you question her heart from the beginning?

It's possibly still just raw and in the moment, she may cool down. But those words didn't sound temporary to me.

As much as it would hurt to move in a D direction over this, it's really good to now now rather than later that she's not fully committed to you!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

astackofbooks001 said:


> Another update:
> 
> She came out and talked to me through tears. She really said some stuff that hurt. I told her I care and love her nephew, but she replied strongly with "no, you don't!" She told me all I care about is someone taking something from me. She said I'm cold and selfish, and I've changed since the marriage (which was two months ago). I was told that if she knew "who I really was" she wouldn't have married me. She then told me that I don't need to file a green card for her and that I can live in my (future) house alone.
> 
> So... that was fun.


Hang in there. This might be like pulling the bandaid off quickly but better in the long run. I understand it's really, really hard to go thru fir you all. But everyone has things out in the open now. She is kind of demonstrating she6not putting you her husband first. Take some deep breaths.


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## astackofbooks001

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Oh man, that's tough to hear.
> Does it make you question her heart from the beginning?
> 
> It's possibly still just raw and in the moment, she may cool down. But those words didn't sound temporary to me.
> 
> As much as it would hurt to move in a D direction over this, it's really good to now now rather than later that she's not fully committed to you!


I've known from the beginning her situation and while I've never told her I'm suspicious, I always looked for signs. Hearing of people being used for a green card isn't new to me, so I was always on the lookout for it when I met her. Even so, I have a hard time thinking that she was solely using me for a green card. Her actions over 3 years doesn't really line up with what I would expect. We've had big fights in the past and she sometimes has no filter, so I'll see how this situation continues.


----------



## aine

astackofbooks001 said:


> Another update:
> 
> She came out and talked to me through tears. She really said some stuff that hurt. I told her I care and love her nephew, but she replied strongly with "no, you don't!" She told me all I care about is someone taking something from me. She said I'm cold and selfish, and I've changed since the marriage (which was two months ago). I was told that if she knew "who I really was" she wouldn't have married me. She then told me that I don't need to file a green card for her and that I can live in my (future) house alone.
> 
> So... that was fun.


Now you can see why she really wanted you, as a meal ticket for her extended family. You are not the first sucker nor will you be the last. your culture and hers is so different, why must you adapt to her culture and not vice versa. If she only wants you for your money, then do you want to be married to her?


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## bavarian69

Is she Russian or from one of the former soviet countries? My wife is Russian and I have learned a few things about these ladies, wife and MIL in particular. They are very accustomed to weak men. Most men in their home countries are drunks and momma boys. The women expect to be able to call the shots in most things because back home they need to pull all the weight. My FIL had nothing to say and it suited him so long as he was fed, had his booze and smokes.
When push comes to shove the women can show some pretty fierce backbone. Ignore her and let her cool off for awhile.


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## Evinrude58

Well, it didn’t take long for her to pull back the affection and intimacy, did it OP?

her nephew should in no way hope a higher place in her priorities than you. I’d boot her.
True colors have been shown.

You just saved yourself thousands and years of abuse from a woman that doesn’t really value you. No doubt the sex would have dried up to nothing, the relatives would pack your house…. You’d be the guest in your own home.


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## Cynthia

I think you should go out and do something. Go for a meal, coffee, a walk, something to get your head clear.
Do not go shopping or to a bar.
Your wife is locked in your room. She is in control. You need to get out of there and take some time to cool off, while allowing her to cool off as well. She won't be able to sit and stew until she comes out and explodes on your, because you won't be there.
When you return, bring dinner with you. If she's not still in your room, you can tell her that threats of divorce are very serious and this is not something you will tolerate. This is an issue that impacts you as much as it impacts her and your concerns are to be respected, just as hers are. Gently, yet firmly, set some boundaries. Reassure her that you love her and that your reasons for refusal are all about your life together being the best it can be.
A concept in marriage that is difficult to live by, but good for the marriage is that no big decisions are made until both husband and wife agree. That is something the two of you can start working on right now.
The things your wife has said to you are definitely manipulation tools.
Breathe. Take a break out of the house.


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## bavarian69

Maybe start quietly looking for nearby boarding or military academies that he can go to? Also most foreign kids are pretty mature for their age. I wouldn't really trust an American teenager of 16 in his own apartment but my German cousins were very mature and independent at that age.
Might be something to ponder? At least it looks like your trying to solve this issue to an agreeable solution for all?


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## astackofbooks001

Cynthia said:


> I think you should go out and do something. Go for a meal, coffee, a walk, something to get your head clear.
> Do not go shopping or to a bar.
> Your wife is locked in your room. She is in control. You need to get out of there and take some time to cool off, while allowing her to cool off as well. She won't be able to sit and stew until she comes out and explodes on your, because you won't be there.
> When you return, bring dinner with you. If she's not still in your room, you can tell her that threats of divorce are very serious and this is not something you will tolerate. This is an issue that impacts you as much as it impacts her and your concerns are to be respected, just as hers are. Gently, yet firmly, set some boundaries. Reassure her that you love her and that your reasons for refusal are all about your life together being the best it can be.
> A concept in marriage that is difficult to live by, but good for the marriage is that no big decisions are made until both husband and wife agree. That is something the two of you can start working on right now.
> The things your wife has said to you are definitely manipulation tools.
> Breathe. Take a break out of the house.


Unfortunately I can't leave at the moment, but this is great advice. I currently have some work obligations since I work from home.


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## astackofbooks001

bavarian69 said:


> Maybe start quietly looking for nearby boarding or military academies that he can go to? Also most foreign kids are pretty mature for their age. I wouldn't really trust an American teenager of 16 in his own apartment but my German cousins were very mature and independent at that age.
> Might be something to ponder? At least it looks like your trying to solve this issue to an agreeable solution for all?


There are really only two school that he could go to here. There's nothing else even close, but if there was another option I would definitely pursue it.


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## BeyondRepair007

bavarian69 said:


> Maybe start quietly looking for nearby boarding or military academies that he can go to? Also most foreign kids are pretty mature for their age. I wouldn't really trust an American teenager of 16 in his own apartment but my German cousins were very mature and independent at that age.
> Might be something to ponder? At least it looks like your trying to solve this issue to an agreeable solution for all?


I think I would still be a hard No on this, especially after her terrible reaction.
I see OP has a softer position.

The point that I'm against is adding additional stress to a young marriage. They (obviously) need time together to bond and begin their new life. They aren't yet even able to weather this storm as a unified H/W team. They aren't on the same page as a couple on a pretty serious issue. That's the wrong time to add a 16yo or an ANYyo


----------



## astackofbooks001

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I think I would still be a hard No on this, especially after her terrible reaction.
> I see OP has a softer position.
> 
> The point that I'm against is adding additional stress to a young marriage. They (obviously) need time together to bond and begin their new life. They aren't yet even able to weather this storm as a unified H/W team. They aren't on the same page as a couple on a pretty serious issue. That's the wrong time to add a 16yo or an ANYyo


True. This situation just sucks. I want to be able to provide a unified front as H/W to the world's issues. I thought marriage would be different and I want to know that we have each other's backs.


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> True. This situation just sucks. I want to be able to provide a unified front as H/W to the world's issues. I thought marriage would be different and I want to know that we have each other's backs.


We all want that. And you still can get there it just won't be today unfortunately.
Hey at least you can think ahead to the wild monkey make-up sex!

I truly hope your W has the same desire that you do. If so you'll be fine.


----------



## Cynthia

Many couples fight a lot in the first year, as they are trying to figure out how marriage works. However, it is not okay for your wife to speak to you the way she did. In a healthy marriage, divorce is never brought up. Instead, the couple works together to find solutions that work for both of them.


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## Quad73

astackofbooks001 said:


> True. This situation just sucks. I want to be able to provide a unified front as H/W to the world's issues. I thought marriage would be different and I want to know that we have each other's backs.


Remind her that when things get bad between you two due to the nephew staying with you, it will surely destroy his dream AND yours as well. No place for a kid to be living if you two are not a team.


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## bavarian69

So just had lunch with the wife and brought this up as an issue I had heard about at the gym.( wink, wink) She basically said that we in the west really don't understand how bad it can be in the old country and how those still over there still see America as the promised land. (I'd argue that point considering our current political climate but that aside.)
The pressure from her side of the family to help this guy is gonna be immense, sorry to say. My wife who grew up in the old Soviet system said families do everything possible for each other. 
I am on your side bud and still think the right decision is "no"; but wanted you to have another position (my wife's) who might be more of the mindset of your wife's and your extended families way of thinking.
Prepare for a fight. Look at me I'm still stuck with MIL after 17 years. lol
If I knew ya I'd buy you a drink.. hang in there bud!


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## astackofbooks001

bavarian69 said:


> So just had lunch with the wife and brought this up as an issue I had heard about at the gym.( wink, wink) She basically said that we in the west really don't understand how bad it can be in the old country and how those still over there still see America as the promised land. (I'd argue that point considering our current political climate but that aside.)
> The pressure from her side of the family to help this guy is gonna be immense, sorry to say. My wife who grew up in the old Soviet system said families do everything possible for each other.
> I am on your side bud and still think the right decision is "no"; but wanted you to have another position (my wife's) who might be more of the mindset of your wife's and your extended families way of thinking.
> Prepare for a fight. Look at me I'm still stuck with MIL after 17 years. lol
> If I knew ya I'd buy you a drink.. hang in there bud!


Thanks for the support! My wife came out of the room again and I hugged her then made a few questions like: "we're a team, right?" "You're my wife and I'm your husband?" etc. She cried as an "I love you" cry, then mentioned how she can't "do this to her nephew." We talked some more and I made it clear that I want a strong foundation and future for us. She asked why I thought her nephew would affect that and I told her we need to focus on saving money, focus on ourselves, etc. I also threw in a comment that we should be able to have wild sex whenever we wanted to. lol

Well... eventually the conversation broke down again and she said I can't stop her nephew from coming here. I told her that I can stop anyone I want from living in a house with my (our) name on it. She said that I can stop him from living in the house, but I can't stop them (her and her nephew) from living somewhere else. That's when I asked her why she is choosing her nephew over her husband, and she said I'm making her choose. She also said that without her sister (nephew's mom), I would have never met her (since she helped my wife stay in the US). The conversation basically ended with her going back to the room and me asking her if that means I owe her sister my life?

At some point during this conversation, she asked if I would be okay with her going back to her country alone for 3 months at a time. She said I wouldn't be able to come back with her because she'd have to tell her parents and sister that "I hate her family and don't want to help them." I'm doing my absolute best to leave emotion out of our conversations and remain calm, but that comment really frustrated me.


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## astackofbooks001

Cynthia said:


> Many couples fight a lot in the first year, as they are trying to figure out how marriage works. However, it is not okay for your wife to speak to you the way she did. In a healthy marriage, divorce is never brought up. Instead, the couple works together to find solutions that work for both of them.


In addition to everything I said in my reply to bavarian69, I told her bringing up divorce is unacceptable, but she apparently didn't think that saying she wouldn't marry me doesn't count as divorce talk. Regardless, we agreed to never threaten divorce unless we were 100% serious about it.


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## bavarian69

Wow! That is rough. My wife knows I have no real love for her mother and couldn't stand being anywhere near her Dad when he was alive but we never threatened to live apart or seperate for long periods of time. Either this is just emotional bluster or you seriously ruined the visa train scheme. Either way being only married 3 months and this is what is being said I would seriously recommend looking at ending this before too much is at stake. (kids, house, assets, etc).


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## Cynthia

astackofbooks001 said:


> Another update:
> 
> She came out and talked to me through tears. She really said some stuff that hurt. I told her I care and love her nephew, but she replied strongly with "no, you don't!" She told me all I care about is someone taking something from me. She said I'm cold and selfish, and I've changed since the marriage (which was two months ago). I was told that if she knew "who I really was" she wouldn't have married me. *She then told me that I don't need to file a green card for her and that I can live in my (future) house alone.*


That's divorce talk right there.
So, she's going to lie to her family about you?
I could break down everything you posted about what she said, but suffice it to say that threats, lies, and manipulation have no place in the decision making process or a marriage. She is the one with the problem here. You can't reason with someone who is behaving like she is.

Edit to add:
It's okay to be angry with how your wife is treating you. Don't get into a yelling match or lose control of yourself, but know that it's perfectly normal to feel anger over her behavior.


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## Livvie

astackofbooks001 said:


> Thanks for the support! My wife came out of the room again and I hugged her then made a few questions like: "we're a team, right?" "You're my wife and I'm your husband?" etc. She cried as an "I love you" cry, then mentioned how she can't "do this to her nephew." We talked some more and I made it clear that I want a strong foundation and future for us. She asked why I thought her nephew would affect that and I told her we need to focus on saving money, focus on ourselves, etc. I also threw in a comment that we should be able to have wild sex whenever we wanted to. lol
> 
> Well... eventually the conversation broke down again and she said I can't stop her nephew from coming here. I told her that I can stop anyone I want from living in a house with my (our) name on it. She said that I can stop him from living in the house, but I can't stop them (her and her nephew) from living somewhere else. That's when I asked her why she is choosing her nephew over her husband, and she said I'm making her choose. She also said that without her sister (nephew's mom), I would have never met her (since she helped my wife stay in the US). The conversation basically ended with her going back to the room and me asking her if that means I owe her sister my life?
> 
> At some point during this conversation, she asked if I would be okay with her going back to her country alone for 3 months at a time. She said I wouldn't be able to come back with her because she'd have to tell her parents and sister that "I hate her family and don't want to help them." I'm doing my absolute best to leave emotion out of our conversations and remain calm, but that comment really frustrated me.


This is really bad. 

I think this marriage is always going to be fraught with toxic difficulties, and toxic family issues. 

Her personality does not seem evolved enough to work out these issues with fairness and mutuality.


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## Cynthia

Livvie said:


> This is really bad.
> 
> I think this marriage is always going to be fraught with toxic difficulties, and toxic family issues.
> 
> Her personality does not seem evolved enough to work out these issues with fairness and mutuality.


I agree. She is way over the line. 
Let things cool down before trying to discuss anything further with her. There is no point in trying to talk to someone in her frame of mind. If her threats are real, you are in for a terrible ride if you stay with this woman.


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## bavarian69

Ok bud.. plan B!!

Buy a boat, check out "boat buddies" and crew your sailboat with two nice ladies who can drink you under the table. 

Just messn' with ya.. let us know what transpires. I will in all seriousness say a prayer for your guidance in this.


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## astackofbooks001

I think she's just in shock that I have a backbone. I'm usually pretty lenient on stuff she wants, but typically she doesn't want too much. This is a HUGE decision and I just don't think she was expecting me to not move an inch on it. Honestly, without being able to check this forum and get advice, I probably would've already caved. I am immensely thankful to all of you.


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## Cynthia

astackofbooks001 said:


> I think she's just in shock that I have a backbone. I'm usually pretty lenient on stuff she wants, but typically she doesn't want too much. This is a HUGE decision and I just don't think she was expecting me to not move an inch on it. Honestly, without being able to check this forum and get advice, I probably would've already caved. I am immensely thankful to all of you.


I think you're right, but that doesn't change the fact that this is how she operates when she doesn't get what she wants. Stand your ground. Tell her that threats are only making you angry and are not helping resolve anything. She actually thinks this is going to cause you to cave in and give her what she wants. If you give in to this now, especially after how horribly she has responded, she will never respect you and this is what you can expect any time you tell her that you aren't going to do something she wants.


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## astackofbooks001

Cynthia said:


> I think you're right, but that doesn't change the fact that this is how she operates when she doesn't get what she wants. Stand your ground. Tell her that threats are only making you angry and are not helping resolve anything. She actually thinks this is going to cause you to cave in and give her what she wants. If you give in to this now, especially after how horribly she has responded, she will never respect you and this is what you can expect any time you tell her that you aren't going to do something she wants.


I have no plans to back down. The balls in her court, but I will continue to say no. She can choose how much this means to her.


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> I think she's just in shock that I have a backbone. I'm usually pretty lenient on stuff she wants, but typically she doesn't want too much. This is a HUGE decision and I just don't think she was expecting me to not move an inch on it. Honestly, without being able to check this forum and get advice, I probably would've already caved. I am immensely thankful to all of you.


Wow, this is really not good.
She threatens to live with her nephew in a different place? Or go back home for 3 months at a time? Holy xxxx

Indeed stand your ground or you will regret it.
I am rethinking this whole thing back to one poster mentioning a married person sending his wife to the US to marry and then rejoining her with BH left in the dust.

The audacity of her comments are incredible. Anything is on the table as far as I'm concerned.
smh


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## astackofbooks001

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Wow, this is really not good.
> She threatens to live with her nephew in a different place? Or go back home for 3 months at a time? Holy xxxx
> 
> Indeed stand your ground or you will regret it.
> I am rethinking this whole thing back to one poster mentioning a married person sending his wife to the US to marry and then rejoining her with BH left in the dust.
> 
> The audacity of her comments are incredible. Anything is on the table as far as I'm concerned.
> smh


That would definitely be a valid concern if her nephew was of a closer age, but I've talk to her nephew too much and know too much to think that's actually her husband. lol


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> That would definitely be a valid concern if her nephew was of a closer age, but I've talk to her nephew too much and know too much to think that's actually her husband. lol


What about boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios or arranged marriage possibilities? Not a possibility?

I just can’t make sense of her reaction, sorry. It’s such a strong emotion reaction, but why.


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## astackofbooks001

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What about boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios or arranged marriage possibilities? Not a possibility?
> 
> I just can’t make sense of her reaction, sorry. It’s such a strong emotion reaction, but why.


I wish I could make sense of it too. Theoretically it could be something like that, but I just can't stretch my imagination that far. Too much stuff wouldn't make sense. I have no idea why she cares so much about it. She either cares so much for her nephew (why?) or cares so little for her husband (also, why?)


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## bavarian69

astackofbooks001 said:


> I wish I could make sense of it too. Theoretically it could be something like that, but I just can't stretch my imagination that far. Too much stuff wouldn't make sense. I have no idea why she cares so much about it. She either cares so much for her nephew (why?) or cares so little for her husband (also, why?)


I think she is terrified of letting her family down. In a sense she would be betraying her family and blood is thicker than marriage. She probably wouldn't leave you over this but she will never forgive you most likley...remember the ol' resentment thing? However since you don't have kids she just may walk.


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## DownByTheRiver

astackofbooks001 said:


> I wish I could make sense of it too. Theoretically it could be something like that, but I just can't stretch my imagination that far. Too much stuff wouldn't make sense. I have no idea why she cares so much about it. She either cares so much for her nephew (why?) or cares so little for her husband (also, why?)


No. That's just what is expected of her in her culture, whatever that is. Her relatives will expect her to support them, in all likelihood, because that's how they try to get out of poverty or get citizenship. It's very common.


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## bavarian69

A few years back the opportunity to take our two kids to Russia came up and FIL and MIL were going too. Now my relationship with both of them was crap. I am sure that my MIL trash talked me to the relatives. 
Anyhow, my wife couldn't hide her relief when I said I had zero interest in going and I'd stay home with the dogs. Best time ever! 
Either way I guess her relatives said some derogatory things about how I treated the family and to my wife's credit she let them have it. We have been back to Moscow a few times as a family but never to visit those relatives again.
Your wife probably can't stomach the disappointment and shame that will come of this. I do not believe there is anything more to this story than that. No secret lovers, arranged marriages etc. In typing this I just remembered something my wife said. To paraphrase; back home we don't always have the luxury of marrying a soulmate but we can learn to love anyone in time.
Maybe she married you to save the family, she loves you but promises and family expectations are stronger than your marriage at this point?


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## astackofbooks001

bavarian69 said:


> A few years back the opportunity to take our two kids to Russia came up and FIL and MIL were going too. Now my relationship with both of them was crap. I am sure that my MIL trash talked me to the relatives.
> Anyhow, my wife couldn't hide her relief when I said I had zero interest in going and I'd stay home with the dogs. Best time ever!
> Either way I guess her relatives said some derogatory things about how I treated the family and to my wife's credit she let them have it. We have been back to Moscow a few times as a family but never to visit those relatives again.
> Your wife probably can't stomach the disappointment and shame that will come of this. I do not believe there is anything more to this story than that. No secret lovers, arranged marriages etc. In typing this I just remembered something my wife said. To paraphrase; back home we don't always have the luxury of marrying a soulmate but we can learn to love anyone in time.
> Maybe she married you to save the family, she loves you but promises and family expectations are stronger than your marriage at this point?


This is pretty close to how I feel about the situation and I think it makes the most sense. Funnily enough, I actually "saved" my wife from her aunt when we first started dating. She had lived with her aunt and was having serious issues. Her aunt basically shunned her shortly after we began dating (for unrelated reasons) and I allowed her to move in for just a few months even though we literally JUST started dating. She moved out to go to school and then the next time we moved in together was just before marriage, several years later. This situation is a little bit different, but it's still a nephew moving in with their aunt/uncle. It just feels strange that she is so open to the reverse situation after going through a horrible experience a few years ago. She has still not talked to that aunt.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

astackofbooks001 said:


> Thanks for the support! My wife came out of the room again and I hugged her then made a few questions like: "we're a team, right?" "You're my wife and I'm your husband?" etc. She cried as an "I love you" cry, then mentioned how she can't "do this to her nephew." We talked some more and I made it clear that I want a strong foundation and future for us. She asked why I thought her nephew would affect that and I told her we need to focus on saving money, focus on ourselves, etc. I also threw in a comment that we should be able to have wild sex whenever we wanted to. lol
> 
> Well... eventually the conversation broke down again and she said I can't stop her nephew from coming here. I told her that I can stop anyone I want from living in a house with my (our) name on it. She said that I can stop him from living in the house, but I can't stop them (her and her nephew) from living somewhere else. That's when I asked her why she is choosing her nephew over her husband, and she said I'm making her choose. She also said that without her sister (nephew's mom), I would have never met her (since she helped my wife stay in the US). The conversation basically ended with her going back to the room and me asking her if that means I owe her sister my life?
> 
> At some point during this conversation, she asked if I would be okay with her going back to her country alone for 3 months at a time. She said I wouldn't be able to come back with her because she'd have to tell her parents and sister that "I hate her family and don't want to help them." I'm doing my absolute best to leave emotion out of our conversations and remain calm, but that comment really frustrated me.


She hasn't married you because she loves you. She's married you to get what she and her family want. Obviously, she's choosing them over you and your deal (marriage) is off if she can't import her relatives and support them to a large extent. As she said, she owes them. This is the way her culture does. They can't expect any intelligent man to just go along with it though. I think you need to get unmarried now that you know her priorities.

Given her comments about you can't stop him, I believe she will not tell her family no and will just let her nephew show up and dare you to physically kick him out.


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## Evinrude58

Your wife married you in order to use you.
There is no other way I can see this. She moved in with you after dating only a short time? Come on bro. You must see this for what it is. She told you “you can’t stop him from coming to live here” and when you said that you could stop him from living in your house, she doubled down and let you know fast that either he was moving in or she was gone.

You are just a tool for her family to use. It’s great that she has great loyalty to her family. Just realize that she doesn’t consider you as family because the same loyalty isn’t shown to you.

you’ve been married three months and your wife is going to cut you off of all intimacy, bully you into being a mule for her relatives, and likely divorce you if you don’t concede.

I would make it a point to not only win this argument, but show her with certainty that you are not to be bullied, and can most definitely live without her.


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## BeyondRepair007

@astackofbooks001 How were the initial conversations of progressing your relationship handled?
Dating >> exclusivity >> living together >> talk of marriage

Where they mostly from her side nudging you forward or something less nefarious?


----------



## astackofbooks001

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @astackofbooks001 How were the initial conversations of progressing your relationship handled?
> Dating >> exclusivity >> living together >> talk of marriage
> 
> Where they mostly from her side nudging you forward or something less nefarious?


She was very clear in the beginning that she'd eventually need a green card if we got serious and told me she didn't want me to be surprised. We just hung out for the first month then dated for a month before she moved in for about 3 months. I said in another post that she had basically no where to go due to being kicked out by her aunt. While I was reluctant to move her in, she moved out after starting school as she promised. We dated for the next several years and had our ups and downs, then I proposed, she moved in, and we got married.


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## astackofbooks001

Spoke with her again. She is basically moping around, semi-ignoring me, laying in bed, etc. I did have a short conversation with here again where she just repeated stuff she's said before. Things like:

"I hate her family"
"How is she supposed to crush her nephews dreams?"
"I'm selfish"
"I don't think of anyone except myself"
I told her she needs to think about our relationship and decide what is really important to her. She told me that I'm making up excuses on why I don't want her nephew to come and that I'm trying to paint a picture of us building a strong foundation (marriage) to make myself feel better for crushing his dreams.

The situation is so crazy and I'm going to try to do my own thing for the rest of the night.


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## Evinrude58

Inform her that you also have dreams and her nephew’s dreams don’t trump yours, that the nephew is the responsibility of the nephews parents, not you. nephew is more important than you, then she is free to go anytime. Also inform her that you won’t be her family’s immigration mule or anyone else’s.

Or, you can just cave and work your ass off for her and her family the rest of your life, and know your needs are secondary to their’s.

I think it’s obvious to anyone what your role is in her life.

btw, consider this: She says you’re selfish, but if she doesn’t get what she wants, she will head back home for 3 months every year. If you don’t share your home with her nephew, you’re a bad guy.
What exactly does she contribute to the relationship?

Why do you love a woman that is using you? Is she really beautiful, more so than you normally find a relationship with?
Has she changed much since you put the ring on her finger, other than using you to get her family to America? It didn’t take long, what, 3 months?


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## astackofbooks001

Evinrude58 said:


> Inform her that you also have dreams and her nephew’s dreams don’t trump yours, that the nephew is the responsibility of the nephews parents, not you. nephew is more important than you, then she is free to go anytime. Also inform her that you won’t be her family’s immigration mule or anyone else’s.
> 
> Or, you can just cave and work your ass off for her and her family the rest of your life, and know your needs are secondary to their’s.
> 
> I think it’s obvious to anyone what your role is in her life.
> 
> btw, consider this: She says you’re selfish, but if she doesn’t get what she wants, she will head back home for 3 months every year. If you don’t share your home with her nephew, you’re a bad guy.
> What exactly does she contribute to the relationship?
> 
> Why do you love a woman that is using you? Is she really beautiful, more so than you normally find a relationship with?
> Has she changed much since you put the ring on her finger, other than using you to get her family to America? It didn’t take long, what, 3 months?


She just told me that she's not willing to give up on her nephew or me, but that if I choose to divorce her, that's my choice. She's going to continue helping her nephew come here and she'll figure out where they'll live when it comes to that. "You can visit me if you want." I told her she has a **** up view of how a marriage is supposed to work and that a spouse should come above all others. She then said that in my culture I don't care for family in the same way as her own culture. She said she can't turn her back on her family.

Edit: Forgot to add that I asked her about going to a marriage counselor (just to see what she'd say) and she is 100% against that. She asked why we would go to one when we basically just got married, which is probably a valid point. But my own response was that maybe they can make things clear to us and we never had premarital counseling so it could be good.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> Spoke with her again. She is basically moping around, semi-ignoring me, laying in bed, etc. I did have a short conversation with here again where she just repeated stuff she's said before. Things like:
> 
> "I hate her family"
> "How is she supposed to crush her nephews dreams?"
> "I'm selfish"
> "I don't think of anyone except myself"
> I told her she needs to think about our relationship and decide what is really important to her. She told me that I'm making up excuses on why I don't want her nephew to come and that I'm trying to paint a picture of us building a strong foundation (marriage) to make myself feel better for crushing his dreams.
> 
> The situation is so crazy and I'm going to try to do my own thing for the rest of the night.


Wow, she's really at a crossroads here.
I get the cultural issue of family importance but it just feels so wrong to put your spouse behind, well, anyone.

What do you need from her now?
Do you need her to come to your view of marriage?
Or would you compromise to allow room for cultural differences?


----------



## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> She just told me that she's not willing to give up on her nephew or me, but that if I choose to divorce her, that's my choice. She's going to continue helping her nephew come here and she'll figure out where they'll live when it comes to that. "You can visit me if you want." I told her she has a **** up view of how a marriage is supposed to work and that a spouse should come above all others. She then said that in my culture I don't care for family in the same way as her own culture. She said she can't turn her back on her family.


I guess this picture is kind of painting itself then.
I'm really sorry about that @astackofbooks001 
I guess she's making clear her priorities and it's not you.


----------



## astackofbooks001

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I guess this picture is kind of painting itself then.
> I'm really sorry about that @astackofbooks001
> I guess she's making clear her priorities and it's not you.


I try to be understanding of cultural differences. She believes in a lot of things that I think are ridiculous but I allow them because it means a lot to her. I completely understand that I'm not married to an American, so things will be different. However, when it comes to something this big, I can't compromise. We're living in America, not her home country.

I REALLY hate to do this, but I'm going to research divorce lawyers and see what they say. I probably won't be able to get an appointment for a couple weeks so I'll see how this relationship goes in the meantime. I will not be telling her I made an appointment.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> I try to be understanding of cultural differences. She believes in a lot of things that I think are ridiculous but I allow them because it means a lot to her. I completely understand that I'm not married to an American, so things will be different. However, when it comes to something this big, I can't compromise. We're living in America, not her home country.
> 
> I REALLY hate to do this, but I'm going to research divorce lawyers and see what they say. I probably won't be able to get an appointment for a couple weeks so I'll see how this relationship goes in the meantime. I will not be telling her I made an appointment.


Maybe the shock of you actually filing for D will make her realize what’s at stake. Or maybe it won’t and you’ll be aware of this scenario in the next go round.

Get your ducks in a row quietly for sure. Start putting in some emotional distance between you and her to protect yourself. Now you know that you’re the only one in that relationship who puts you first, so do that. Put yourself first.


----------



## Cynthia

astackofbooks001 said:


> She just told me that she's not willing to give up on her nephew or me, but that if I choose to divorce her, that's my choice. She's going to continue helping her nephew come here and she'll figure out where they'll live when it comes to that. "You can visit me if you want." I told her she has a **** up view of how a marriage is supposed to work and that a spouse should come above all others. She then said that in my culture I don't care for family in the same way as her own culture. She said she can't turn her back on her family.
> 
> Edit: Forgot to add that I asked her about going to a marriage counselor (just to see what she'd say) and she is 100% against that. She asked why we would go to one when we basically just got married, which is probably a valid point. But my own response was that maybe they can make things clear to us and we never had premarital counseling so it could be good.


If she moves out, she is leaving you. What does she expect you to do, stay married while she's living with her nephew? Apparently, she doesn't understand that if she leaves you, she's telling you she wants a divorce. Who files it doesn't matter at that point, as she's the one who left. All this manipulative talk can get confusing very quickly. It really doesn't makes sense.
People go to marriage counseling to resolve issues. You two are in crisis. If that's not enough reason for marriage counseling, I don't know what is.
Your idea of staying away from her this evening is a good one.
Do not allow her to lock you out of your bedroom tonight. That's your bed and you should not allow her to kick you out of it. If she doesn't want to sleep in it with you, she can sleep on the couch, in a chair, or on the floor.


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## Evinrude58

astackofbooks001 said:


> She just told me that she's not willing to give up on her nephew or me, but that if I choose to divorce her, that's my choice. *She's going to continue helping her nephew come here and she'll figure out where they'll live when it comes to that. "You can visit me if you want."* I told her she has a **** up view of how a marriage is supposed to work and that a spouse should come above all others. She then said that in my culture I don't care for family in the same way as her own culture. She said she can't turn her back on her family.
> 
> Edit: Forgot to add that I asked her about going to a marriage counselor (just to see what she'd say) and she is 100% against that. She asked why we would go to one when we basically just got married, which is probably a valid point. But my own response was that maybe they can make things clear to us and we never had premarital counseling so it could be good.


This is your relationship, and I want to say that my thoughts—- I stand nothing to lose. You do. So understand that I see this when I respond.
I don’t know what culture this is, but I am thinking 2 things:
I disagree with her that her culture places higher importance on other family members than the husband. Most cultures: the husband is the head of the household. This stuff she’s spouting has less to do with cultural viewpoints and more to do with her USING you and her marriage to you for a purpose other than having a living relationship with YOU.
It is crystal clear that her main goal is getting her family to the states.

The second thing is this: screw culture! Who in their right mind would want to be of such a low priority to their spouse that after 3 months of marriage, they tell you they’re considering moving out and “you can come visit”????

Dude, your wife doesn’t give a rats ass about you. I truly believe that based on what you’ve told us. I think you are right to be seeing an attorney. 
I’d also like to reiterate that it’s obvious by the above statement she made that you are not considered family to her, because she doesn’t “turn her back on family”, but is telling you clearly she’s willing to turn her back on YOU.


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## Openminded

If it comes down to it, she’s very likely to choose her family over you so be ready for it.


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## astackofbooks001

Evinrude58 said:


> This is your relationship, and I want to say that my thoughts—- I stand nothing to lose. You do. So understand that I see this when I respond.
> I don’t know what culture this is, but I am thinking 2 things:
> I disagree with her that her culture places higher importance on other family members than the husband. Most cultures: the husband is the head of the household. This stuff she’s spouting has less to do with cultural viewpoints and more to do with her USING you and her marriage to you for a purpose other than having a living relationship with YOU.
> It is crystal clear that her main goal is getting her family to the states.
> 
> The second thing is this: screw culture! Who in their right mind would want to be of such a low priority to their spouse that after 3 months of marriage, they tell you they’re considering moving out and “you can come visit”????
> 
> Dude, your wife doesn’t give a rats ass about you. I truly believe that based on what you’ve told us. I think you are right to be seeing an attorney.
> I’d also like to reiterate that it’s obvious by the above statement she made that you are not considered family to her, because she doesn’t “turn her back on family”, but is telling you clearly she’s willing to turn her back on YOU.


I agree with everything you've said. She would frame this as her and her family being of low priority to me. Not sure why I've avoided saying her nationality up to this point but she's Vietnamese. She's told me that she prefers white guys as partners because (and these are her words) Vietnamese guys drink a lot, are frequently abusive, and don't respect their wives.


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## TexasMom1216

No matter where she is from, it kinda sounds from what you’ve posted like she’s using you. For a green card for herself and to help pay to get her family here. I’m on the outside and a stranger on the internet, so take it for what it’s worth, but it sure doesn’t sound like she married for love. 🥺


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> She would frame this as her and her family being of low priority to me


And this would be correct in the sense that EVERY family outside your own marriage should be lower priority than each other. She doesn’t get it.

smh


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## fluffycoco

If she thinks her family is more important than you are, I don't think your marriage is very solid.


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## jlg07

astackofbooks001 said:


> Thanks for the support! My wife came out of the room again and I hugged her then made a few questions like: "we're a team, right?" "You're my wife and I'm your husband?" etc. She cried as an "I love you" cry, then mentioned how she can't "do this to her nephew." We talked some more and I made it clear that I want a strong foundation and future for us. She asked why I thought her nephew would affect that and I told her we need to focus on saving money, focus on ourselves, etc. I also threw in a comment that we should be able to have wild sex whenever we wanted to. lol
> 
> Well... eventually the conversation broke down again and she said I can't stop her nephew from coming here. I told her that I can stop anyone I want from living in a house with my (our) name on it. She said that I can stop him from living in the house, but I can't stop them (her and her nephew) from living somewhere else. That's when I asked her why she is choosing her nephew over her husband, and she said I'm making her choose. She also said that without her sister (nephew's mom), I would have never met her (since she helped my wife stay in the US). The conversation basically ended with her going back to the room and me asking her if that means I owe her sister my life?
> 
> At some point during this conversation, she asked if I would be okay with her going back to her country alone for 3 months at a time. She said I wouldn't be able to come back with her because she'd have to tell her parents and sister that "I hate her family and don't want to help them." I'm doing my absolute best to leave emotion out of our conversations and remain calm, but that comment really frustrated me.


This all sounds like blatant manipulation from her - she is trying to guilt trip you any way she can, even to the point of abandoning you for months at a time to be with her her family. WHY would she pick three MONTHS to go stay away from you at a time?
You can say that you do NOT hate her family, but you value your marriage more. You are just starting out and having a 15 year old around that YOU have to be responsible for and provide for wouldn't allow the both of you to focus on the marriage. It's hard enough with just the two of you to make sure you get your married life together.

Just be aware that this may in fact make her decide to leave you. Just prepare yourself.


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## astackofbooks001

jlg07 said:


> This all sounds like blatant manipulation from her - she is trying to guilt trip you any way she can, even to the point of abandoning you for months at a time to be with her her family. WHY would she pick three MONTHS to go stay away from you at a time?
> You can say that you do NOT hate her family, but you value your marriage more. You are just starting out and having a 15 year old around that YOU have to be responsible for and provide for wouldn't allow the both of you to focus on the marriage. It's hard enough with just the two of you to make sure you get your married life together.
> 
> Just be aware that this may in fact make her decide to leave you. Just prepare yourself.


She's said that we wouldn't be responsible for him, outside of food, but I know that is ********. What if he's struggling with school work? I am going to be who they turn to. What if he needs rides places? New clothes or anything else he might want? There's no way his mom will be sending that money over. I make really good money, despite currently living in an apartment and I'll "selfish" for not helping when his mom lives in a poor country.

My wife has also basically (figuratively) laughed in my face when I said that I wanted us to focus on our relationship without interference. She asked rhetorically if being together for 3 years wasn't enough to build a foundation, to which I replied that marriage is different than dating.


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## jlg07

astackofbooks001 said:


> She just told me that she's not willing to give up on her nephew or me, but that if I choose to divorce her, that's my choice. She's going to continue helping her nephew come here and she'll figure out where they'll live when it comes to that. "You can visit me if you want."


Like Cynthia said above -- if she does this, SHE is divorcing YOU. You will simply file the paperwork to make it official.
She wants you to come to HER (visit me) -- not that she will continue to be with you all the time.

She says YOU are selfish -- so what is her moving out to live with him say to you about HER? SHE is prioritizing them over you -- SHE is selfish, she just doesn't want to see that.
I think you are smart seeking some protection for yourself by seeing lawyers just to get the information so that you can plan accordingly.


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## TexasMom1216

The first thing selfish people accuse other people of being is selfish. Because you’re not only thinking of her and what she wants, while she is only thinking of herself and what she wants. I’m so sorry. She’s taken you for a ride. My advice is to get off this nasty rollercoaster NOW.


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## astackofbooks001

I want to take it to the precipice and give her a final opportunity to realize the seriousness of the situation. If I just threaten divorce, she'll most likely not actually believe I'll do it. I don't know the details of getting a divorce, but if I could bring her something that "makes it official" (in her mind) she might change her tune. And if she really does sign it, well then I know she really is serious and doesn't care so I can actually continue with the divorce.


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## TexasMom1216

Google “divorce attorneys near me.”


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## Beach123

If you aren’t accustomed to a hormonal teenager I don’t recommend taking him in.

Tell your wife no. She can live with your answer.


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## Diana7

Are there any other family members in the USA who can take him? 
He is still a child and as such will need more input than just food. You would basically be his stand in parents for the 2 years. 
I suspect she feels trapped between you and her family. They are probably putting pressure on her. 
This is one of many reasons why marrying into a very different culture can sometimes be problematic. 
It's expected in her culture to help support other family members.


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## bavarian69

In my 20s I spent 12 years flying around SE asia for Uncle Sam. Many guys got themselves involved with Filipinos and Thai girls. The level of crazy was off the charts. It always involved money going in every which way but in his pocket. One guy married a Filipino and was stationed states side and she spent months at home every year. He finds out later that she was also married to a Navy guy based in Subic. 
This sort of thing happens in all cultures but in SE Asia it is legendary. Be cautious, she has shown her true colors early and forcefully. I think many here are correct that you are a means to an end. Several friends are married to Filipinos and they make excellent, doting loving wives but you will be part of her family. I have been to several BBQ gatherings at their home and the extended family attending is huge.. how do you think they all got here? 
Either go along to get along.. or bail out now. Those are your only too choices. When you mentioned that she wanted to spend three months away it popped into my head that she was going to work another guy to see where that leads. Just a thought..hope you don't take offense.
I am sure she is beatiful as most young Vietnamese are and from what I have heard have very strong family ties; you will be loved and taken into the fold but there are rules that have to be followed. She will definitely not go against her parents wishes, whatever those may be.


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## astackofbooks001

Diana7 said:


> Are there any other family members in the USA who can take him?
> He is still a child and as such will need more input than just food. You would basically be his stand in parents for the 2 years.
> I suspect she feels trapped between you and her family. They are probably putting pressure on her.
> This is one of many reasons why marrying into a very different culture can sometimes be problematic.
> It's expected in her culture to help support other family members.


I mentioned a while back that my wife had a problem with her aunt and her aunt basically threw her out of her house. This happened right around the time when I began dating her. According to my wife, that aunt actually likes her sister (nephew's mom) more than her and still talks to her regularly, even though she threw my wife out of her house. If her sister still talks to that aunt after how she treated my wife, why should we have to take her son? Why doesn't she send her son to that aunt instead? I don't have the answer.

Also, it's morning here and we both slept in our bed last night. This morning I got up and said "good morning" to her twice, with no response. Only a few moments (30 seconds) later she randomly asked me to take her photo for her passport renewal, which is getting close to expiration (I have a professional camera and have done photos like this for her in the past). I turn around to look at her and say "You don't treat me like a husband and can't even reply when I say good morning? I'm not going to act like a husband until you treat me like a husband." She said "fine" and locked herself in the bedroom again like she did yesterday.

If she needs a passport photo, she can go to someplace like Walgreens and have them done for $15.


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> I mentioned a while back that my wife had a problem with her aunt and her aunt basically threw her out of her house. This happened right around the time when I began dating her. According to my wife, that aunt actually likes her sister (nephew's mom) more than her and still talks to her regularly, even though she threw my wife out of her house. If her sister still talks to that aunt after how she treated my wife, why should we have to take her son? Why doesn't she send her son to that aunt instead? I don't have the answer.
> 
> Also, it's morning here and we both slept in our bed last night. This morning I got up and said "good morning" to her twice, with no response. Only a few moments (30 seconds) later she randomly asked me to take her photo for her passport renewal, which is getting close to expiration (I have a professional camera and have done photos like this for her in the past). I turn around to look at her and say "You don't treat me like a husband and can't even reply when I say good morning? I'm not going to act like a husband until you treat me like a husband." She said "fine" and locked herself in the bedroom again like she did yesterday.
> 
> If she needs a passport photo, she can go to someplace like Walgreens and have them done for $15.


I have to ask OP, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible.
How did you end up married to this girl?

Where there no indications of this potential before you proposed? Was she hiding these feelings and beliefs before?

It sounds to me like you're handling things perfectly given the pile of *** you've been handed.
I wish you the best. I hope the shock of D shakes her awake but I'm not hopeful.


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## bavarian69

Do you have a Vietnamese community nearby? Just wondering if there is a marriage councilor or therapist you could talk to to get cultural insight? Perhaps you should see if your fighting in-grained cultural issues or manipulation from her family, i.e. the aunt etc.
In addition she seems to be playing the, "getting my travel affairs in order" to see how far she can push you. This is not the tactic of a balanced, mature person. JMO.


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## astackofbooks001

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I have to ask OP, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible.
> How did you end up married to this girl?
> 
> Where there no indications of this potential before you proposed? Was she hiding these feelings and beliefs before?
> 
> It sounds to me like you're handling things perfectly given the pile of *** you've been handed.
> I wish you the best. I hope the shock of D shakes her awake but I'm not hopeful.


We had our ups and downs as stupid arguments, but that made me believe she didn't have any ill intentions. If she was after a green card why would she argue over some of the stupid things that we argued over? We clearly discussed not having a multi-generational house hold a few times. However, she brought up her nephew and I stupidly preliminarily agreed, at least until I thought about it more and did some research. Now we've gotten married and I'm unable to say no to it at all.


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## CatholicDad

Hey brother, I only read your first post so I’m way behind but that would be pretty manly to help a young person out. I don’t know if the kids is some kind of troubled teen or something but if we can’t lend a hand to a struggling family member then who can we? I mean, you could become the hero of her family if you helped this kid get on his feet. Everyone must respect you if they want this kid living with you too- maybe their hopeful you’ll influence him for the better. Good luck brother with whatever you decide. But decide and move on- don’t beat your wife up for wanting it to happen or being disappointed if it doesn’t.


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## astackofbooks001

bavarian69 said:


> Do you have a Vietnamese community nearby? Just wondering if there is a marriage councilor or therapist you could talk to to get cultural insight? Perhaps you should see if your fighting in-grained cultural issues or manipulation from her family, i.e. the aunt etc.
> In addition she seems to be playing the, "getting my travel affairs in order" to see how far she can push you. This is not the tactic of a balanced, mature person. JMO.


There are a couple Vietnamese communities somewhat nearby, but not in our actual town. This morning I've been thinking about her best friend (Vietnamese too) and how she would react to this situation (not that I'm going to tell her). I'm guessing my wife hasn't said anything to her, but when I first proposed her best friend (which was at the proposal with her husband) was actually underwhelmed by my wife's reaction. Her friend and husband were more impressed by the ring, proposal plan, etc. than my wife. Leading up to the proposal they were both hyping me up and over the moon, then the proposal happened and I just didn't get the reaction that I was expecting. Later on my wife played it off as her not being a hugely emotional person, but did her best to convince me that she loved everything.


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## bavarian69

CatholicDad said:


> Hey brother, I only read your first post so I’m way behind but that would be pretty manly to help a young person out. I don’t know if the kids is some kind of troubled teen or something but if we can’t lend a hand to a struggling family member then who can we? I mean, you could become the hero of her family if you helped this kid get on his feet. Everyone must respect you if they want this kid living with you too- maybe their hopeful you’ll influence him for the better. Good luck brother with whatever you decide. But decide and move on- don’t beat your wife up for wanting it to happen or being disappointed if it doesn’t.


Originally the OP felt as you say CatholicDad and agreed to the nephew moving in. Later he started to think about the intrusiveness and personal issues that would be brought into a 3-month old marriage. They have barely had time to settle in and have the wild fun, intimate memory making events that glue a husband and wife together when 20 years down the road things get stale. 
If he had been married 10 or more years I would say sure why not.


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## bavarian69

astackofbooks001 said:


> There are a couple Vietnamese communities somewhat nearby, but not in our actual town. This morning I've been thinking about her best friend (Vietnamese too) and how she would react to this situation (not that I'm going to tell her). I'm guessing my wife hasn't said anything to her, but when I first proposed her best friend (which was at the proposal with her husband) was actually underwhelmed by my wife's reaction. Her friend and husband were more impressed by the ring, proposal plan, etc. than my wife. Leading up to the proposal they were both hyping me up and over the moon, then the proposal happened and I just didn't get the reaction that I was expecting. Later on my wife played it off as her not being a hugely emotional person, but did her best to convince me that she loved everything.


Oh man, that doesn't sound good. Perhaps you ought to let her go back home for a stretch and see how you feel about everything. It could well be that when she is at home she will tell you she isn't coming back; and that would be the ultimate test of her motives and commitment to the marriage.


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## CatholicDad

bavarian69 said:


> Originally the OP felt as you say CatholicDad and agreed to the nephew moving in. Later he started to think about the intrusiveness and personal issues that would be brought into a 3-month old marriage. They have barely had time to settle in and have the wild fun, intimate memory making events that glue a husband and wife together when 20 years down the road things get stale.
> If he had been married 10 or more years I would say sure why not.


Get the kid a PS5 and a good lock on the master bedroom door. 😆


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## astackofbooks001

bavarian69 said:


> Oh man, that doesn't sound good. Perhaps you ought to let her go back home for a stretch and see how you feel about everything. It could well be that when she is at home she will tell you she isn't coming back; and that would be the ultimate test of her motives and commitment to the marriage.


Without the green card, which hasn't be filed yet, she won't be able to come back. She's here legally, but her entry visa has long expired, so she can leave, but coming back isn't an option without a green card.


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## DownByTheRiver

astackofbooks001 said:


> Without the green card, which hasn't be filed yet, she won't be able to come back. She's here legally, but her entry visa has long expired, so she can leave, but coming back isn't an option without a green card.


I think you'd be wise to send her back. I think she is with you under false pretenses and doesn't really care that much about you. She's with you to try to help her family as is expected of her.


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## DownByTheRiver

astackofbooks001 said:


> We had our ups and downs as stupid arguments, but that made me believe she didn't have any ill intentions. If she was after a green card why would she argue over some of the stupid things that we argued over? We clearly discussed not having a multi-generational house hold a few times. However, she brought up her nephew and I stupidly preliminarily agreed, at least until I thought about it more and did some research. Now we've gotten married and I'm unable to say no to it at all.


Oh she'll disagree about whatever she feels like it because she's not going to be happy in this situation either. You better be using birth control or you're going to be stuck being her families bank vault for the rest of your life.


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## Cynthia

The first year of marriage can be very difficult. Two people bringing their lives together and forming a new way of doing things together is hard. It is possible that your wife will calm down and be willing to work with you. Her way of looking at things is very different than yours. If you two weather this storm, she will have to learn how to communicate with love and work with you, not manipulate you into submission, or the marriage will not be healthy.

Right now you are feeling that this situation of bringing a nephew over is not a good idea, but what about when you have children? That's a whole other issue. When we had my niece, and later my nephew, come stay with us, we had the means and the room to take that on. Our children had to share a room with their cousins. Some of it was fine, other parts were quite difficult. My point is that there will be obstacles at any time, when you are allowing someone else to live in your home. Ideally, it will be planned and prepared for.

Be prepared to be part of the chain that brings her family to the U.S. throughout the years. Your wife was part of the chain, when her aunt brought her here. Why did her aunt kick her out? Do you know the story? Was it possibly staged to get her into your home? Based on how viscously manipulative your wife is currently behaving and her seeming to not being excited about marrying you, it seems that she may have had ulterior motives in marrying you. I'd definitely hold off on the green card, even if things improve and seem to be working out. After everything she had said and is still doing, you can no longer trust her.

I'm sorry that you feel the need to see and attorney, but it looks like a reasonable thing to do under the circumstances. When your spouse threatens to leave, that's something to take seriously. You are right to look into divorce and not disclose that to her. However, remember that this isn't about winning an argument or anyone getting their way. This is about whether the two of you can work together to form a healthy marriage. It is impossible to that when our spouse is threatening to leave you.


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## bavarian69

astackofbooks001 said:


> Without the green card, which hasn't be filed yet, she won't be able to come back. She's here legally, but her entry visa has long expired, so she can leave, but coming back isn't an option without a green card.


Ok..you need to talk to an immigration lawyer and a regular one- fast. 
Firstly if she does not have a green card yet and you haven't yet filed for one, she does not have residency status. Secondly if her entry visa has expired she is here illegally. She entered legally, tourist visa? but now is in violation of immigration law. She can be deported.
Here is what (may) happen. She goes home on her Vietnamese passport. Vietnam is not a "Visa Waiver Country". When she applies for a new visa to reenter the US (in Vietnam) she will be denied due to the previous over stay. She could be banned for 10 years. 
When she says she is married to an American you will need to start a K-1 process, if they will even allow it at this point. In addition (most likely not) you might be in hot water with the State Department or ICE if the suspect you were gaming the system to work around immigration law.
I don't know everything about this subject; but enough. I went through hell to get my fiancee here from Russia. 

Devil's Advocate- let her go home, file for annulment based on her immigration status and her leaving you, you basically were duped and/or file for divorce while she is there. She won't be able to come back without you jumping through a gazillion hoops. She will zero legal status in US and can not file for support in any way. 

I would go find that drink right about now..sorry dude.


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> There are a couple Vietnamese communities somewhat nearby, but not in our actual town. This morning I've been thinking about her best friend (Vietnamese too) and how she would react to this situation (not that I'm going to tell her). I'm guessing my wife hasn't said anything to her, but when I first proposed her best friend (which was at the proposal with her husband) was actually underwhelmed by my wife's reaction. Her friend and husband were more impressed by the ring, proposal plan, etc. than my wife. Leading up to the proposal they were both hyping me up and over the moon, then the proposal happened and I just didn't get the reaction that I was expecting. Later on my wife played it off as her not being a hugely emotional person, but did her best to convince me that she loved everything.


Maybe she's not a "_hugely emotional person_" I don't know, but the proposal reaction seems to align with "checking the next box in the master plan" kind of thinking. And she got caught by the best friend noticing the lack of enthusiasm.


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## Always Learning

astackofbooks001 said:


> I mentioned a while back that my wife had a problem with her aunt and her aunt basically threw her out of her house. This happened right around the time when I began dating her. According to my wife, that aunt actually likes her sister (nephew's mom) more than her and still talks to her regularly, even though she threw my wife out of her house. If her sister still talks to that aunt after how she treated my wife, why should we have to take her son? Why doesn't she send her son to that aunt instead? I don't have the answer.
> 
> Also, it's morning here and we both slept in our bed last night. This morning I got up and said "good morning" to her twice, with no response. Only a few moments (30 seconds) later she randomly asked me to take her photo for her passport renewal, which is getting close to expiration (I have a professional camera and have done photos like this for her in the past). I turn around to look at her and say "You don't treat me like a husband and can't even reply when I say good morning? I'm not going to act like a husband until you treat me like a husband." She said "fine" and locked herself in the bedroom again like she did yesterday.
> 
> If she needs a passport photo, she can go to someplace like Walgreens and have them done for $15.


So I have to ask, what is her current immigration status? if she needs to apply for a green card is she on a student or work visa?


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## Cynthia

@astackofbooks001, have you looked into the immigration question personally, or have you gotten all of your information from your wife? Based on @bavarian69's post, if you have only received the information from your wife, you may be facing a much different situation than you originally imagined.


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## Evinrude58

I’d help her pack her bags. Why would any man that is reasonably attractive, has a job, and a good head ok his shoulders……. Live with this person. Didn’t even fake some enthusiasm at your proposal? Damn.
She’s not even good at her job.


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## Quad73

OP does she see marriage as a practical necessity, like owning a car, but there is no great emotional attachment to it? 

Whereas family, now that's where the emotions run high and the bonds are tight.

Maybe a bit opposite to how we see things here.

That would explain the high level of emotion she's displaying now re her nephew, whereas leaving you is to her more like abandoning the family car, a bit painful, but the obvious choice is the nephew.


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## DownByTheRiver

Whatever state you are in, google "(state) annulment for immigration fraud."


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## pastasauce79

astackofbooks001 said:


> Without the green card, which hasn't be filed yet, she won't be able to come back. She's here legally, but her entry visa has long expired, so she can leave, but coming back isn't an option without a green card.


Hmmm... Unless she has applied for a visa extension, she's here illegally. She overstayed her visa, which is forgivable, to some level, by USCIS.

If she leaves the country, without applying for a change in her immigration status and a travel permit, she won't be able to come back, and she'll be punished for overstaying her visa. USCIS won't let her apply for any visas for at least 10 years. 

You can't apply for a K1 visa because you are married already. Do you guys have an immigration lawyer?


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## Cynthia

Yeah, I was thinking about this too. If her VISA is expired, she is here illegally. The VISA is what allows her to be here, so this is a serious issue.

@astackofbooks001, I'm sorry all this is coming down on you right now. I hope you're doing okay. Do you have family that you can talk to about this or a close friend. You need support.


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## astackofbooks001

So much has happened since my last post. Thank you for everyone's input, but my wife is 100% here legally, trust me. I don't know every detail of the situation, but I know enough. She is here as a student and is definitely here legally because she's renewed it with the USCIS (US immigration). I've even been with her when she talked to the international counselor at her previous school where they explained the situation.

Here's what's happening now: We spent yesterday together because she began acting more normally. She agreed to not move her nephew here or anyone else. However, she basically told me that I have to decide on whether I trust her or not, and that if I don't, I should just leave. I also found out that she was the one pushing for her nephew to come here, not her family back home. She said that she see's herself in her nephew since she was in the same situation (dream to go abroad, studied English hard, etc) before she came to the US. That's why she wants to help him so badly.


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## chazmataz33

That's what a calm sensible conversation gets you.you must feel better in so many ways.I love it when I have a productive conversation with my wife.I just feel so connected afterwards. I'm happy for you,you must be Apollo relieved.😂


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## Evinrude58

astackofbooks001 said:


> So much has happened since my last post. Thank you for everyone's input, but my wife is 100% here legally, trust me. I don't know every detail of the situation, but I know enough. She is here as a student and is definitely here legally because she's renewed it with the USCIS (US immigration). I've even been with her when she talked to the international counselor at her previous school where they explained the situation.
> 
> Here's what's happening now: We spent yesterday together because she began acting more normally. She agreed to not move her nephew here or anyone else. However, she basically told me that I have to decide on whether* I trust her or not, and that if I don't, I should just leave. I* also found out that she was the one pushing for her nephew to come here, not her family back home. She said that she see's herself in her nephew since she was in the same situation (dream to go abroad, studied English hard, etc) before she came to the US. That's why she wants to help him so badly.


one of the things I’ve found in common with every single woman from other countries that have tried to scan me is this:
They immediately start talking about trust abd how important it is.

what builds trust in someone is when they are trustworthy over a long period of time. You see them being trustworthy with other people that they don’t really have to.

In a string of a couple of days, your wife has told you she would move out and you could come visit her to be with her nephew.
She’s told you her family is more important than you, basically. And she has offered YET AGAIN in this trust comment, that if you don’t trust her, YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

People do and say things they don’t necessarily mean when they’re angry. But when one is angry, when things aren’t going great, THAT is when you see their true character.

I sure as heck don’t trust your wife after all this. But I don’t have to, you do.

One thing is for certain, it is obvious to everyone that you standing up for yourself was the right thing to do and probably the most important event you could ever muster.
I hope it all works out for you.

It sure seems your wife is an uncaring, manipulative person when she doesn’t get her way. I think this is going to be a tough relationship to maintain. The good thing is, your wise move just took it from impossible to tough, so I hope you keep it up. You handled this really well I think. You were firm, and patient, and thoughtful.

I hope your wife gives you a sincere apology for how she treated you the last few days. It wasn’t how a good woman would react. Maybe she learned something.
Good luck


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## Openminded

If she’s asking you to trust her unconditionally that’s not a good idea. She deliberately misled you about what her family would think of you going forward — when she made it seem like they were the ones driving this — when all along it was her driving it. So, no, to 100% blind trust. That’s asking for trouble.


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> I have to decide on whether I trust her or not, and that if I don't, I should just leave.


I agree with @Evinrude58 concerns.
Really, does she understand how much she is not trusting your judgment right now?

I really hope for a good outcome for you OP but there sure does look like some serious flags here.

This whole drama being pushed by her in the first place, in spite of your wishes, in spite of causing such turmoil in the marriage, right up the point of talking about separation & divorce. Over what? Getting her way? And even some level of manipulating her family (since this wasn't that big to them)?

That does not sound good for your future to me. MC is a must at this point.
I'm pro-marriage but there needs to be a major shift in understanding on her part or everything is at risk.


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## DownByTheRiver

Openminded said:


> If she’s asking you to trust her unconditionally that’s not a good idea. She deliberately misled you about what her family would think of you going forward — when she made it seem like they were the ones driving this — when all along it was her driving it. So, no, to 100% blind trust. That’s asking for trouble.


Yes she's not being truthful and is likely being manipulative.

Just remember that manipulators are very good at sweetie sweetie-ing you. Crying or acting pathetic after she came on so strong about this and now changing her story is I'm sorry not good news.


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## Cynthia

astackofbooks001 said:


> Here's what's happening now: We spent yesterday together because she began acting more normally. She agreed to not move her nephew here or anyone else. However, *she basically told me that I have to decide on whether I trust her or not, and that if I don't, I should just leave.* I also found out that she was the one pushing for her nephew to come here, not her family back home. She said that she see's herself in her nephew since she was in the same situation (dream to go abroad, studied English hard, etc) before she came to the US. That's why she wants to help him so badly.


@astackofbooks001, so let me get this straight. Your wife:
*Demands that you upend your plans to provide a home for your future by adding a teenager, that you would be responsible for, to your new marriage
*Screams and yells at you
*Calls you names
*Threatens to lie about you to her family
*Threatens to leave you
*Locks her self in your shared bedroom and only comes out to yell at you and threaten you
*Admits that she deceived you about who was driving this idea in the first place. Which is that she has admitted to lying and manipulation, because that's what it is.
*Works every manipulation tactic she can conjure up
THEN
She supposedly calms down and tell you that it's on you to trust her and if you don't then you should be the one to leave, as if you have done something wrong. She has just proven herself to be untrustworthy. She is the one who has to prove her trustworthiness. If she doesn't think she can do that, then she has some thinking to do. I would not fall to her level and start threatening to leave or threatening divorce, but I would make it clear that you do not trust her, after what she just did and that it's on her to prove herself to you. That means she has to have a real change of heart, because her behavior is unacceptable.
She has not apologized for her behavior. Instead, she changed the narrative and said this was something she wanted and she's willing to let it go, but you have to trust her or you should just leave. Again, she is threatening you with divorce. Of course, I don't know her, but I'm willing to bet that she is afraid of divorce. Her doing this is a manipulation tactic to put you on the defensive, so you have to defend yourself, as if you are the one who did something wrong here.
Hold the line. You are not out of the woods yet. She is weaker, but is still trying to manipulate you. Call her on it.
This incident will set the tone for your marriage. If you hope to have a happy, healthy marriage, you've got to set the ground rules now. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get, and it will only get infinitely more difficult to correct, if that is even possible.
Having children with someone who thinks and acts like this will be hell. She must learn that this kind of behavior is not accepted or tolerated in any way, shape, or form. Marriage is about sharing life together and making solid decisions as a team. Manipulation and threats have no place in marriage.
I'd also insist upon marriage counseling. Don't let her blow this off as nothing significant. This was a huge blowout regarding the fundamental clash of your belief systems. This needs to be worked through or you two can't really have a healthy marriage. Someday you are going to want to bring children into this. Make sure you are bringing them into a peaceful, loving home.


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## BeyondRepair007

Cynthia said:


> @astackofbooks001, so let me get this straight. Your wife:
> *Demands that you upend your plans to provide a home for your future by adding a teenager, that you would be responsible for, to your new marriage
> *Screams and yells at you
> *Calls you names
> *Threatens to lie about you to her family
> *Threatens to leave you
> *Locks her self in your shared bedroom and only comes out to yell at you and threaten you
> *Admits that she deceived you about who was driving this idea in the first place. Which is that she has admitted to lying and manipulation, because that's what it is.
> *Works every manipulation tactic she can conjure up
> THEN
> She supposedly calms down and tell you that it's on you to trust her and if you don't then you should be the one to leave, as if you have done something wrong. She has just proven herself to be untrustworthy. She is the one who has to prove her trustworthiness. If she doesn't think she can do that, then she has some thinking to do. I would not fall to her level and start threatening to leave or threatening divorce, but I would make it clear that you do not trust her, after what she just did and that it's on her to prove herself to you. That means she has to have a real change of heart, because her behavior is unacceptable.
> She has not apologized for her behavior. Instead, she changed the narrative and said this was something she wanted and she's willing to let it go, but you have to trust her or you should just leave. Again, she is threatening you with divorce. Of course, I don't know her, but I'm willing to bet that she is afraid of divorce. Her doing this is a manipulation tactic to put you on the defensive, so you have to defend yourself, as if you are the one who did something wrong here.
> Hold the line. You are not out of the woods yet. She is weaker, but is still trying to manipulate you. Call her on it.
> *This incident will set the tone for your marriage.* If you hope to have a happy, healthy marriage, you've got to set the ground rules now. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get, and it will only get infinitely more difficult to correct, if that is even possible.
> Having children with someone who thinks and acts like this will be hell. She must learn that this kind of behavior is not accepted or tolerated in any way, shape, or form. Marriage is about sharing life together and making solid decisions as a team. Manipulation and threats have no place in marriage.
> I'd also insist upon marriage counseling. Don't let her blow this off as nothing significant. This was a huge blowout regarding the fundamental clash of your belief systems. This needs to be worked through or you two can't really have a healthy marriage. Someday you are going to want to bring children into this. Make sure you are bringing them into a peaceful, loving home.


^^^^
@astackofbooks001 I wish I could smash the "Like" button a few dozen times on @Cynthia post.
Especially this: "_This incident will set the tone for your marriage._"
Take charge and set the tone you want & expect.


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## Evinrude58

I agree that the “trust me or leave” comment was yet another attempt to threaten you with divorce. Her strongest argument will likely always be “my way or the highway”.

That is no way to live. I tried it once.
You should really call her on this comment, and make sure she understands that if things aren’t going like she wants, SHE can choose to leave, but that you aren’t going anywhere.

She is one manipulative, high drama, temper throwing, woman. She has been flat out bullying you with this separation/divorce/leave thing. I agree with others that if you are going to have a happy marriage, that has to change.


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## Livvie

I think OP should leave this marriage before he's in too deep. It's never going to
be a healthy nontoxic marriage. Are you addressing the lies she told about the nephew and the real truth behind who wanted him to come and why? She is a liar!!

Imagine the ****show and terrible things that could happen if you had children with this person.


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## Evinrude58

Livvie said:


> I think OP should leave this marriage before he's in too deep. It's never going to
> be a healthy nontoxic marriage. Are you addressing the lies she told about the nephew and the real truth behind who wanted him to come and why? She is a liar!!
> 
> Imagine the ****show and terrible things that could happen if you had children with this person.


I have to agree, and would like to point out that if you have a child with her, she will have not only divorce to hold over your head, but taking your kid away and child support/alimony payments. I really think your wife is a loose cannon. Those loose cannons sink ships.


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## Andy1001

I’m wondering what her next move is going to be. She’s tried every trick in her repertoire but the op thankfully remains determined not to be swayed. 
What’s her next plan I wonder.


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## Evinrude58

Andy1001 said:


> I’m wondering what her next move is going to be. She’s tried every trick in her repertoire but the op thankfully remains determined not to be swayed.
> What’s her next plan I wonder.


Pregnancy I’d guess. The next tool in her box to keep him better in line.
This guy isn’t acting anything like the simp she hoped to rope.


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## Andy1001

Evinrude58 said:


> Pregnancy I’d guess. The next tool in her box to keep him better in line.
> This guy `FINALLY isn’t acting anything like the simp she hoped to rope.


Fixed that for you.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian

astackofbooks001 said:


> I also found out that she was the one pushing for her nephew to come here, not her family back home. She said that she see's herself in her nephew since she was in the same situation (dream to go abroad, studied English hard, etc) before she came to the US. That's why she wants to help him so badly.


Wow is she good, tugging at your heartstrings like that. Sorry, but I would have a hard time believing anything she says. She has an agenda.


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## TexasMom1216

Oh dude, seriously, run. You’re a walking ATM to this woman. You deserve better. I’m so sorry, I know you’re hurting, but cheese and crackers, she sounds like a nightmare.

If she suddenly tells you she’s pregnant, take her to a doctor and GO WITH HER, find out from a doctor if it’s true. Do NOT trust her.


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## DownByTheRiver

Don't EVEN have sex with her or she'll oops you.


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## TexasMom1216

DownByTheRiver said:


> Don't EVEN have sex with her or she'll oops you.


No WAY she’s on her birth control. She’s so toxic.


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## fluffycoco

Andy1001 said:


> I’m wondering what her next move is going to be. She’s tried every trick in her repertoire but the op thankfully remains determined not to be swayed.
> What’s her next plan I wonder.


A lot of tears I’d guess, melt OP's heart to keep him in line, manipulate him easier


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## BeyondRepair007

Andy1001 said:


> I’m wondering what her next move is going to be. She’s tried every trick in her repertoire but the op thankfully remains determined not to be swayed.
> What’s her next plan I wonder.


I would guess she will cool off for a bit, try to smooth things over.
She knows OP is not an idiot so she needs to calm him down. Get him comfortable.
Maybe even <gasp> apologize.
Maybe amp up the sex for a bit.

But the next test is coming. Count on it.
Notafanofthisgirl


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## MJJEAN

astackofbooks001 said:


> I think she's just in shock that I have a backbone. I'm usually pretty lenient on stuff she wants





astackofbooks001 said:


> or cares so little for her husband (also, why?)


This is why. Women have zero respect for men lacking a backbone. You can't love what you don't respect.


astackofbooks001 said:


> Funnily enough, I actually "saved" my wife from her aunt when we first started dating. She had lived with her aunt and was having serious issues. Her aunt basically shunned her shortly after we began dating (for unrelated reasons) and I allowed her to move in for just a few months even though we literally JUST started dating.


Funny, huh? She had nowhere to go and a guy willing to take her in. Not just any guy, but one lacking a spine, but not lacking an income. And she stayed. Of course she did! So much easier to get a sucker to take you in, pay most of the bills, and get you citizenship. Yup. Funny how that happened. Right after you started dating. About when she and the Aunt realized they'd found a prime sucker option.



astackofbooks001 said:


> I got up and said "good morning" to her twice, with no response. Only a few moments (30 seconds) later she randomly asked me to take her photo for her passport renewal, which is getting close to expiration (I have a professional camera and have done photos like this for her in the past). I turn around to look at her and say "You don't treat me like a husband and can't even reply when I say good morning? I'm not going to act like a husband until you treat me like a husband." She said "fine" and locked herself in the bedroom again like she did yesterday.


She's manipulative, immature, and from what I have seen you say here about her you already have the equivalent of a tenager living with you. You don't need another.

It's a new marriage and a weak one, at that. Why not cut your losses, file for divorce, let her grown ass figure out her own ****, let her family figure out their ****, and find yourself a woman that is fully matured, capable, and who isn't using you as an ATM and citizenship stepping stone?

You're coming across as so desperate, pathetic, and dangerously blind that it hurts!


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## Beach123

happyhusband0005 said:


> Just for reference, I have a 15yo son and a 13yo daughter. It is not an exaggeration to say my son is at least half of our grocery bills. He's a serious athlete so that probably adds a bit more to the cost than a typical teen boy but If I had to guess it's $100-$150 a week to feed the animal. No joke I had to buy an extra fridge and freezer so I don't have to go to the store every day.


That’s why kids that age should start working and contributing to the food budget. IF they are eating that much on their own - they may as well understand how it feels to support a big eating habit.


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## Cynthia

What is her relationship currently like with her aunt? Did they make up?

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## astackofbooks001

Cynthia said:


> What is her relationship currently like with her aunt? Did they make up?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


She has still not spoken to her aunt since that time several years ago. At one time maybe a year ago she was really upset at her sister because her sister was still in communication with her aunt, so she felt betrayed.


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## BigDaddyNY

astackofbooks001 said:


> She has still not spoken to her aunt since that time several years ago. At one time maybe a year ago she was really upset at her sister because her sister was still in communication with her aunt, so she felt betrayed.


It sounds like you are going to always be in the middle of some family drama with this woman. I hope she is worth it.


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## TexasMom1216

astackofbooks001 said:


> She has still not spoken to her aunt since that time several years ago. At one time maybe a year ago she was really upset at her sister because her sister was still in communication with her aunt, so she felt betrayed.


This sounds like the plot of a soap opera.


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## Cynthia

astackofbooks001 said:


> She has still not spoken to her aunt since that time several years ago. At one time maybe a year ago she was really upset at her sister because her sister was still in communication with her aunt, so she felt betrayed.


If they had been plotting to trick you, they would have staged a make-up scenario long ago. At least we know it wasn't a trick. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## bavarian69

I do not know what your ages are but you are sure that this nephew isn't a son or step-son from a previous marriage? 

Just trying to wrap my mind around why she would be willing to basically nuke her marriage with you to help support what in all indications is a dysfunctional/ animous family relationships (sister/ aunt).

I assume this nephew has decent English skills to make it through a US high school program? The tiger countries in SE Asia are falling over themselves for workers who speak English and/or Mandarin. Why isn't he doing that?


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## BeyondRepair007

bavarian69 said:


> *Just trying to wrap my mind around why she would be willing to basically nuke her marriage* with you to help support what in all indications is a dysfunctional/ animous family relationships (sister/ aunt).


Good luck with that.
This has been my biggest issue with this whole thing.
This makes zero sense unless she just a super-spoiled brat who likes to have her way and throws temper tantrums.

But OP would have seen that before now.
So... I'm only left with those 'edge scenarios' to fill in the blanks.


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## astackofbooks001

Not much to post recently. All quiet on the western front.

She's been acting fairly normally. I walked in on her in the bedroom last night while she was quietly crying, it was so quick that I know she couldn't have faked it. After asking her why she was crying she was reluctant to tell me, but said that she misses her family. Besides that, everything has been normal. I'm so exhausted from the past few days that I haven't pushed anything.

I plan to keep this thread updated as things happen.


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> Not much to post recently. All quiet on the western front.
> 
> She's been acting fairly normally. I walked in on her in the bedroom last night while she was quietly crying, it was so quick that I know she couldn't have faked it. After asking her why she was crying she was reluctant to tell me, but said that she misses her family. Besides that, everything has been normal. I'm so exhausted from the past few days that I haven't pushed anything.
> 
> I plan to keep this thread updated as things happen.


Is this "I miss my family" speech new or has it been there all along.
If it's new then it's attempted manipulation.

New marriages and young wives do miss their families, even more than the guys. So I don't immediately rule out honesty here.

But since she didn't tell you immediately, that could be enough time to come up with a plausible cry story while she was actually crying over something else. Thus, my question. Has she consistently been missing her family to the point of tears?


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## DownByTheRiver

astackofbooks001 said:


> Not much to post recently. All quiet on the western front.
> 
> She's been acting fairly normally. I walked in on her in the bedroom last night while she was quietly crying, it was so quick that I know she couldn't have faked it. After asking her why she was crying she was reluctant to tell me, but said that she misses her family. Besides that, everything has been normal. I'm so exhausted from the past few days that I haven't pushed anything.
> 
> I plan to keep this thread updated as things happen.


She's crying because her plan has failed. If she misses her family send her back to them. Who sits around crying in real life because their family lives in a different place? She's bs'ing you trying to get her way by getting you to sympathize with her.


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## astackofbooks001

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Is this "I miss my family" speech new or has it been there all along.
> If it's new then it's attempted manipulation.
> 
> New marriages and young wives do miss their families, even more than the guys. So I don't immediately rule out honesty here.
> 
> But since she didn't tell you immediately, that could be enough time to come up with a plausible cry story while she was actually crying over something else. Thus, my question. Has she consistently been missing her family to the point of tears?


I've heard the story before and have seen her cry over it. It's not completely unbelievable that it's true because she's only seen her immediate family once in the last 5 years.


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## Cynthia

astackofbooks001 said:


> I've heard the story before and have seen her cry over it. It's not completely unbelievable that it's true because she's only seen her immediate family once in the last 5 years.


Her answer is likely true and about the only thing I believe that she's said lately.
Of course, she misses her family. That is normal.
The problem with the toddler fit she threw is that now everything she says or does is suspect. Remember, that's not your fault. She did this to herself.


----------



## astackofbooks001

Cynthia said:


> Her answer is likely true and about the only thing I believe that she's said lately.
> Of course, she misses her family. That is normal.
> The problem with the toddler fit she threw is that now everything she says or does is suspect. Remember, that's not your fault. She did this to herself.


Yeah. I truly want to trust her, but I also don't want to be stabbed in the back when it's too late.


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## BeyondRepair007

astackofbooks001 said:


> Yeah. I truly want to trust her, but I also don't want to be stabbed in the back when it's too late.


It seems like things are slowing returning to normal for you.

But I would suggest you don't let it return to normal. And don't let it get too cold.
There is still a huge elephant in the room and leaving it unresolved will bite you hard later.

1-Is she onboard with you as the leader husband and has the same vision of marriage as you? You and her, partners against the world is a beautiful thing.
2-Was that whole "trust me or else" speech a serious threat?
3-Why the hell did she go so far as to blow up the marriage over this? What possible rationale is there if the answer to #1 is "yes"?

Even with best case answers here, I agree with @Cynthia, do NOT trust this woman. She has to earn trust over time, it's not a free gift anymore.


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## Evinrude58

I’ve found in my life that :
A woman that describes herself as “classy” is never very classy.
A person that tells you that you need to trust them, is never trustworthy.
A person that brags about how much money they have is never all that wealthy.

a person with class doesn’t need to tell someone they have it. People know because they are.
A person that is trustworthy doesn’t have to ask for trust, people naturally trust them because their actions inspire trust.
Someone that is filthy rich doesn’t want anyone to know how filthy rich they are….

Your wife is wanting you to trust her because let’s face it, she intends on using your trust as a tool to manipulate you and use you.

I am truly worried about your long term happiness in this marriage, OP. How could you possible start a family with this woman? It’s been 3 months of marriage and she’s already given you ultimatums on trust or leave, nephew or she’ll leave and you can visit, etc.

I envision your wife having enough stair step children with you to ensure a handy child support and alimony package, and then using that income to be an immigration tool for her family.

That’s what I see here from the outside looking in. I very much hope I’m wrong.


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## Cynthia

@astackofbooks001, Do you have a plan on how you're going to deal with the fallout from your wife's tantrum? Are you going to hold her accountable for the things she said and did?
I can see her getting angry and telling you that you're being mean to her while she's sad about missing or family or any other excuse she can come up with for why she shouldn't be held accountable. If you don't work through this, you will be in a much worse situation later. Don't let it go until it is resolved, which includes her recognizing the seriousness of her bad behavior, apologizing, and working to find new ways to communicate and work with you. She has already demanded that you trust her, after she has shown herself to be a deceptive liar. How do you plan to deal with this?


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## Openminded

Don’t be tempted to rug-sweep this.


----------



## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> Thanks for everyone's opinions and suggestions so far. I just spoke to my wife and laid out my thoughts, while giving a firm no. She was obviously upset and told my she'd inform her sister (nephew's mother) and her nephew. However, she did try to manipulate me (make me feel bad? scare me?) by asking the rhetorical question, "what is my sister going to think about you?" She also told me that this is probably going to get back to her parents, insinuating that they aren't going to like me, I guess.
> 
> While I feel like technically the conversation was wrapped up, I'm expecting this to come back around again once she thinks about what to say.


So what. Being non confrontational will just get you walked on. 
Bud, if they don’t like you because you refuse to take on their responsibility with your finances you don’t need them anyway. It smells like you are a checkbook to them and your wife.


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## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> I fully expect to continue standing strong. She also mentioned how I'm basically "crushing her nephew's dreams" because he practiced English, worked hard, and now I'm basically standing in his way. The only thing I just kept remembering were the many comments here saying "don't be manipulated."


Why is this your problem? Answer: it’s not. 
You should feel bad for not being a doormat?


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## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> As expected, it didn't go as well as it looked on the surface. She's staying in our bedroom with the door locked and is telling me she wants to be alone. So far she's mentioned that she does all types of things for my dad, but I'm basically turning my back on her family. I've also heard from her that she feels like she has no control since she doesn't make as much money as I do. I've never tried to control her with money and I actually feel like I have no (less) control since I can never say no without an argument.
> 
> Edit: At this time I'm basically just playing it cool and letting her cool off. I told her when she's ready to talk more we can talk.


You’d better put some thought into what you’ve gotten into. They including your wife want to use you as a checkbook for themselves. You don’t matter.


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## Marc878

Rob_1 said:


> Play it cool. Sooner, hopefully not later, she will show you who she really is and what was her aim in the relationship with you.


She already has.


----------



## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> I think she's just in shock that I have a backbone. I'm usually pretty lenient on stuff she wants, but typically she doesn't want too much. This is a HUGE decision and I just don't think she was expecting me to not move an inch on it. Honestly, without being able to check this forum and get advice, I probably would've already caved. I am immensely thankful to all of you.


I think you’re missing the big picture. They counted on using you.


----------



## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> Spoke with her again. She is basically moping around, semi-ignoring me, laying in bed, etc. I did have a short conversation with here again where she just repeated stuff she's said before. Things like:
> 
> "I hate her family"
> "How is she supposed to crush her nephews dreams?"
> "I'm selfish"
> "I don't think of anyone except myself"
> I told her she needs to think about our relationship and decide what is really important to her. She told me that I'm making up excuses on why I don't want her nephew to come and that I'm trying to paint a picture of us building a strong foundation (marriage) to make myself feel better for crushing his dreams.
> 
> The situation is so crazy and I'm going to try to do my own thing for the rest of the night.


Nothing but BS. Better wake up.


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## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> I mentioned a while back that my wife had a problem with her aunt and her aunt basically threw her out of her house. This happened right around the time when I began dating her. According to my wife, that aunt actually likes her sister (nephew's mom) more than her and still talks to her regularly, even though she threw my wife out of her house. If her sister still talks to that aunt after how she treated my wife, why should we have to take her son? Why doesn't she send her son to that aunt instead? I don't have the answer.
> 
> Also, it's morning here and we both slept in our bed last night. This morning I got up and said "good morning" to her twice, with no response. Only a few moments (30 seconds) later she randomly asked me to take her photo for her passport renewal, which is getting close to expiration (I have a professional camera and have done photos like this for her in the past). I turn around to look at her and say "You don't treat me like a husband and can't even reply when I say good morning? I'm not going to act like a husband until you treat me like a husband." She said "fine" and locked herself in the bedroom again like she did yesterday.
> 
> If she needs a passport photo, she can go to someplace like Walgreens and have them done for $15.


Because they want to use you. Wake up already.


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## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> So much has happened since my last post. Thank you for everyone's input, but my wife is 100% here legally, trust me. I don't know every detail of the situation, but I know enough. She is here as a student and is definitely here legally because she's renewed it with the USCIS (US immigration). I've even been with her when she talked to the international counselor at her previous school where they explained the situation.
> 
> Here's what's happening now: We spent yesterday together because she began acting more normally. She agreed to not move her nephew here or anyone else. However, she basically told me that I have to decide on whether I trust her or not, and that if I don't, I should just leave. I also found out that she was the one pushing for her nephew to come here, not her family back home. She said that she see's herself in her nephew since she was in the same situation (dream to go abroad, studied English hard, etc) before she came to the US. That's why she wants to help him so badly.


Her first tactic didn’t work so she’s switched to another. Cmon man, wake up.


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## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> Not much to post recently. All quiet on the western front.
> 
> She's been acting fairly normally. I walked in on her in the bedroom last night while she was quietly crying, it was so quick that I know she couldn't have faked it. After asking her why she was crying she was reluctant to tell me, but said that she misses her family. Besides that, everything has been normal. I'm so exhausted from the past few days that I haven't pushed anything.
> 
> I plan to keep this thread updated as things happen.


Stay in this and it be your life going forward. Living on hopium will only help short term.


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## Marc878

astackofbooks001 said:


> Yeah. I truly want to trust her, but I also don't want to be stabbed in the back when it's too late.


She’ll get pregnant next,


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## Livvie

Marc878 said:


> She’ll get pregnant next,


I forsee her leaving the country with your (future) children someday. It happens.

Why do you want to be in a marriage that is already so difficult?


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## Quad73

@astackofbooks001 how are you doing? Any changes in her mood?


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## BeyondRepair007

@astackofbooks001 how are things on the homefront?

I’m hoping you two are coming to agreements rather than not.

Any clarity on why the strong reactions from her?


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## lifeistooshort

Only one response is needed here.

Wife, I trust you but if you move your nephew in I'm out. You can support him yourself.

I agree with others that her attitude doesn't bode well for a marriage.


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## ABHale

Diceplayer said:


> They can in the US if they are brought up properly and they know that it is expected.


Not with the housing market going through the roof. My daughter has been looking for a place to buy for 8 months now. It is unreal the money they want for a falling apart crap hole. The places look like they put lipstick on a pig. The banks appraisal doesn’t even come close. So you have the down payment then you have to cover the difference between the banks appraisal and selling price.


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