# Another One is Gone ... Damn



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I just got a call from one of the veteran members of my AA group who is a sponsor for three fledgling members in our group. One of his men, a young man who had been with us for six months, and who was doing really really well, took his own life last night. 

I just cannot believe this. I sit here stunned. This is the second AA member from our group to commit suicide in the last year and a half since I have been with this group. I am gutted because he was only 23 and leaves behind a wife and daughter. I took him out for a late dinner one night a couple months back to chat with him and he was very bright, articulate and really seemed to be heading places with his career. He had been an alcoholic since he was about eight years old.

Such a waste! He seemed to be doing so well, was sharing and opening up and really seemed to be working his steps. Something triggered him I guess. He must have gone on a bender and, in his inebriation, whatever demons were haunting him finally pushed him over the edge. We will never know for sure how it went down. I guess he decided there was no other way out. Problem is, because I know nothing about his personal life, I cannot extend my sorrow to his family. It was his widow who found his sponsor's telephone number and called him to let him know. 

People... tell the ones you love how much you love them... every day. You never know when it will be the last time you get to tell them that. 

Now I have to go to group tonight and tell the other members. I fvcking hate this.


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## SouthernViking (May 7, 2016)

It's a tragic, horrendous problem that gets scant attention. The V.A. Could care less as does a lot of politicians. It needs to be addressed on a local level, county/city. 
Pray you find the right words tonight brother.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

So sorry, bandit. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I will be thinking of him and you tonight. I am sorry.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm so sorry. What a tragedy. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Prayers flowing your way, Bandito!

For namely you, your AA group, and for this young man's grieving family! 

Rest assured that he is now fastly in our Heavenly Father's hands and has been welcomed back "Home!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Hang in there, bandit. This is very sad. I'm so sorry for all who have been left behind, as well as this young man. 

I'll be praying for you as @arbitrator stated so well. 

Don't forget to take care of yourself.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

:crying:


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My condolences.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thanks TAM family. Last night was rough. Hoping we don't have any relapses among the members due to this. Its a pretty helpless feeling. 

I feel terrible for his wife and daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Dammit.

Bandit, these things can run in chains. My suggestion would be to have an "all hands on deck" type of meeting, with the intent of watching your buddy for signs of suicidal ideation.

The whole thing really sucks, man.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'm so sorry. It's a sad situation and my heart especially goes out to his spouse and child. 😔

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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Alcohol does alot of damage it's so sad. It's damage touches nearly every family. My daughter's college roommate's brother died the other day from alcohol poisoning.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

Don't people in AA have someone they report to, who support them?

Someone dropped the ball here.


BIG time.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm sorry Bandit. A friend of my daughters just recently died from an overdose. She had been to rehab 2 or 3 times and then to sober living for 6 months and then overdosed not long after leaving sober living. She too was very young. Addiction is such a horrible, horrible disease. Some folks just can't seem to beat it, no matter how much they try and want too. My heart goes out to you and his family.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

my kid brother was an alcoholic.

he was 42 years old and camping in the mountains (2003)near the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful lake. he loved camping.
he was drunk when he got up in the middle of the night, stumbling around to take a leak and unknowingly walked off the cliff in the dark, 80 ft. to his death.

like your buddy, my bro was finally getting his life together after wasting most of it through alcohol.
he had a great job and was one semester away from getting his b.s. in environmental engineering.

it hit me so hard it took me about a year after that to the point i could even function again.

condolences and prayers.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Dammit.
> 
> Bandit, these things can run in chains. My suggestion would be to have an "all hands on deck" type of meeting, with the intent of watching your buddy for signs of suicidal ideation.
> 
> The whole thing really sucks, man.


Well that is what we did last night, and tonight we will revisit the situation and let everyone vent their feelings. We will make sure all the members are staying in touch with their sponsors. I have been in touch daily with the two guys I sponsor and they are OK. I text them about twice a day to see how they are. 

The only reason this is not as devastating as it could be is because the young guy was only with us for about six months. He was not one of our veteran or long-time members. We had not bonded with him as strongly as some have bonded who have been with this group longer. 

But several of the members did trigger, including one guy who did contemplate suicide a couple years ago. He is also bi-polar so I am keeping an eye on him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yosemite said:


> Don't people in AA have someone they report to, who support them?
> 
> Someone dropped the ball here.
> 
> ...


Yes most members have a sponsor. 

This young man's sponsor has been with this group a long time...longer than I have. He didn't drop the ball. He is an older gentleman who has been sober for more than thirty years and is looked up to and respected by us all. If he could not have seen the signs no one could have. 

He was talking to this young man daily and the kid seemed fine. In fact last week at our Friday meeting the young man was in very good spirits and was looking forward to earning his six month chip, which he was just one week shy of.  I had already ordered it for him...a nice shiny bronze one. I wish I had his wife's contact info and I would mail it to her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> my kid brother was an alcoholic.
> 
> he was 42 years old and camping in the mountains (2003)near the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful lake. he loved camping.
> he was drunk when he got up in the middle of the night, stumbling around to take a leak and unknowingly walked off the cliff in the dark, 80 ft. to his death.
> ...


O wow. I'm so sorry for your loss. That is awful. 

I doubt there is one TAM member who has not been touched by alcoholism in one form or another.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Had a second cousin who ruined his life and marriage with drinking. It was a shame. I didn't know him well. I was just a little guy when I knew him. He was a great guy when he wasn't drunk. I used to enjoy seeing him when I had the chance. He was much older than me and is long gone now.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

My condolences to you and his family....

Heart breaking news.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Had a second cousin who ruined his life and marriage with drinking. It was a shame. I didn't know him well. I was just a little guy when I knew him. *He was a great guy when he wasn't drunk.* I used to enjoy seeing him when I had the chance. He was much older than me and is long gone now.


And you can say that about 90% of most alcoholics. Unfortunately, only 10% of those believe they are great people. And that is the problem. 

Alcoholism obliterates your self esteem and self worth. That is why staying sober is so hard. Your head is clear and you can see and comprehend clearly all the devastation you have wrought to your life and the lives of your loved ones. 

Climbing back in the bottle is the easy way out. You don't have to feel the pain. People leave you alone because they don't want to be around you when you're on a bender. You can keep that glass wall up between yourself and the people you love. 

Stevie Ray Vaughn called it _"The Wall of Denial"_ and wrote a song about it. 

I think this young man had been clear headed long enough to where he could look around and see the wasteland he had made of his life, and it was just too painful to live with. Guilt, self-hatred, fear of the future...he just couldn't deal with it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> And you can say that about 90% of most alcoholics. Unfortunately, only 10% of those believe they are great people. And that is the problem.
> 
> Alcoholism obliterates your self esteem and self worth. That is why staying sober is so hard. Your head is clear and you can see and comprehend clearly all the devastation you have wrought to your life and the lives of your loved ones.
> 
> ...


They have to learn how to forgive themselves. That's difficult to do. 

Here is a site about forgiveness. Forgiveness Road

What was the name of that book that used to be posted here? I think it was written by someone very religious. I think he was a Jesuit priest, but I'm not sure. I just can't remember the name of it. He talked about getting to fifty thousand feet and looking at your life and others from that perspective. 

Maybe someone can help.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Awareness

Anthony DeMello


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Alcohol ruins so many lives...I've seen it's effects close up enough ...how to get our young people to not start drinking would be a great start , most especially if alcoholism is in the family...I just don't think enough people care.. they want their beer, their buzz...

It's a tragedy & one of the strongest addictions known to humanity -many can not conquer it..


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am so sorry my friend. Hugs sent to you!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Awareness
> 
> Anthony DeMello


Thank you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@bandit.45 I Thank God there are people around like you who are there to help fellow addicts.

I was slipping into alcoholism years ago but my wife helped me sort myself out.

Her first husband was an alcoholic. It helped kill him in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> @bandit.45 I Thank God there are people around like you who are there to help fellow addicts.


QFT.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @bandit.45 I Thank God there are people around like you who are there to help fellow addicts.
> 
> I was slipping into alcoholism years ago but my wife helped me sort myself out.
> 
> ...


Well I need them as much or more than they need me. 

That is why it is so tough when we lose a member like this, because we all lean on each other.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Just so you know, bandit. we here at TAM also care.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Sorry Bandit. Seems like you are the man to lead the group to the brighter side of things. I'm sure that your efforts are appreciated.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My heartfelt sorrow for you and.....

Sarcasm on Sabbatical.

Alcohol is the water that slowly boiled rends the consumer. Bad JuJu..... bad stinky {Mint JuJuLips}.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Well I need them as much or more than they need me.
> 
> That is why it is so tough when we lose a member like this, because we all lean on each other.


As a support to one another, perhaps you helped him live 6 months longer than he would have otherwise. It is devastatingly sad.

I'll echo Matt's feeling of appreciation for sponsors like you, positively impacting and caring for those who may be closest to us.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

I'm so sorry  My father has been in AA 33 years now... have watched him have to say goodbye to too many who gave up. So incredibly sad. But on the flip side, as a result of his work in recovery we were able to eventually repair our relationship and now he and I are incredibly close as a result. (((hugs)))


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Stand by Me !!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP9sW7kYnA8


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Sorry for the loss. 
Condolences to the family. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

One silver lining in all this is that it got a lot of our members to open up and let some stuff out. We had a big group last night and some who were there had not heard about his death. So it was kind of like the other night all over again: lots of emotions. But some of the members who already knew had gotten a chance to mull over their feelings and we had some really really intense sharing last night. I also passed around his six month chip to all the members so they could give it a squeeze and a prayer over it and infuse it with some of their loving vibes. The young man's sponsor is going to take the chip to his wife, and tell her how sorry we all are and tell her how much he meant to the group.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Aww man. This is heart breaking. It's happened in my group a few times too. I think what is the most upsetting is the wasted potential. The potential to help so many people is now lost forever. I hope this doesn't come of as trite because that is not my intention, but talk about quitting five minutes before the miracle happens. I really believe it take about a year for some of the damaged brain chemistry to repair itself. He was so close!! DA##IT!!

The guilt, shame, and remorse can be overwhelming at times, but that's the price of admission to the transformational process of going from the alki/druggie F' up to the "broken" healer.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

People get on FB and do push ups to support Veterans in the fight against suicide .

While the gesture is nice it is just a pee whole in a snowbank in comparison to the work needed to resolve this tragedy.

This is not a new problem In the mid Seventies 3 brave young men from less that a mile radius from my home took there own lives after serving in Vietnam.

In short our country turned their backs on them.Simply tragic.Simply disgraceful.

As long as we rely on the poser politicians ,with the American Flag on their lapels no remedy will come, no help will arrive and no sense will be made of it. 

Most American Voters are catatonic and those that are thinking are thinking with their wallets.

There are 2,000 M1 tanks sitting in the American Desert at about $4.5M a pop. And the Government wanted to put more $$$$$ into the tank program. And get this The Military said no thanks but I believe they got the money appropriated anyway. Go figure. As long as General Dynamics gets theirs.

For the love of GOD people please email call or write your Congressmen/Women and Senators daily non stop every day all day.

Bandit I'm really sorry your friend lost his battle.And I am really sorry you lost your friend

God Bless you (R)

God Bless the Armed Forces of The United States 

David

AKA 55


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I just got a call from one of the veteran members of my AA group who is a sponsor for three fledgling members in our group. One of his men, a young man who had been with us for six months, and who was doing really really well, took his own life last night.
> 
> I just cannot believe this. I sit here stunned. This is the second AA member from our group to commit suicide in the last year and a half since I have been with this group. I am gutted because he was only 23 and leaves behind a wife and daughter. I took him out for a late dinner one night a couple months back to chat with him and he was very bright, articulate and really seemed to be heading places with his career. He had been an alcoholic since he was about eight years old.
> 
> ...


I have felt, and still do -as you feel now. It is a horror...young men often too often pay the greatest price in the name of country and honor. 

There is Not one of the men that I fought with, that survived the contracts...that also survived going home. Not one. They couldn't make any peace or sense of who they were with who they had to become....I believe that is the Demon you speak of. I never have...never will..like you know...its always there...the faces, the blame, the memories, the guilt. Crushing like the weight of the world. 

All you can do is know that for a moment or two...you gave him some peace. Some calm. Some safety. 

Thats all I can say -I can't think about this today.


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