# New Reality and Finding Closure



## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

I posted on this forum back in the Fall. Quick summary: Married for 18 years (together for 25) After a few years of therapy, my husband decided he wanted to separate. He moved into an apartment in October. We have three kids, ages 15, 12, 8. His reason for wanting the separation was the pace of our life was too much, he feels we are incompatible and he never lived life authentically for himself...midlife crisis. Anyway, I was heartbroken but supportive. Told him I wanted him to find his happiness. Many months were rough but by March, I felt I was getting grounded with things. Then, mid-March, I found out that he had lied and cheated. He had a very involved online relationship for over a year while we were in therapy "working on things". He was also pursuing a relationship with a good friend of mine. It has created a whole new set of emotions that I now need to process. I feel hurt and humiliated by the whole thing. The good thing is that I'll finally have closure. Prior to knowing the truth, I still had "what if" thoughts. Now I realize he is not the person I thought he was which is also hard to process. In some ways, I feel like I'm having to start over with the grieving process.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry, people change and you cannot do anything about it. I hope your detachment process proceeds well. Hopefully, you stop viewing him as your husband as it is important to sever that perception you have of him. It will take time to slowly incorporate that new image you have of him, replacing the man you once knew.

I wish I can tell you there is such thing as justice and karma for what he has done, but in reality, life is what you do to affect change in yourself and wish for the best probability. In the end though, the only permanence in your life is yourself, partners are just people that orbit your life and can either get closer or farther away. You are the center of your own life.

Keep communication with him to a minimum, and only talk about the children and nothing about the destroyed relationship between the two of you.

I wonder if the two women he is pursuing knows of his two-timing them?

Be the stable parent since odds are, he will just mostly be an absentee father as he made it known that him living a free life without restraints supersedes fatherhood. Oh, and let him be responsible for the relationship with the children, do not protect him from them as they will have to learn that he partially abandon them. Just be supportive and be an open door. Also, therapy if necessary since they are at an impressionable age and the likelihood of developing disorders and other dysfunction is heighten at adolescence.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

All good advice. Old habits die hard. I still lean in to give him a hug goodbye when he leaves the house, crazy. The absentee father thing breaks my heart. And you are right, he is partially abandoning them...but I don't think he sees it that way. Clearly he is self absorbed and it is all about him.
Recognizing myself as the center of my life is where I need to be...myself and the kids. It is going to be a long time before I can trust again.
Thanks for the reply!


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

That doesn't surprise me in the least. If my husband said he wants to separate for the BS reasons your husband gave I would be looking at the phone bills to see who he is cheating on me with because men rarely leave their family just to be on their own. The great majority of the time they are either cheating or have someone in mind they want to cheat with. Stop being supportive, let him live his life and you live yours. Too bad your children are also being affected by your selfish ex husband.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> That doesn't surprise me in the least. If my husband said he wants to separate for the BS reasons your husband gave I would be looking at the phone bills to see who he is cheating on me with because men rarely leave their family just to be on their own. The great majority of the time they are either cheating or have someone in mind they want to cheat with. Stop being supportive, let him live his life and you live yours. Too bad your children are also being affected by your selfish ex husband.


Yeah, I was way too trusting. We had been together most of our lives. I did not know him as a liar and really trusted this was a mid life crisis, "who am I" kind of thing. Obviously, now I realize I was naive and can't believe I trusted for so long.


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