# So lost - Should get divorce? - Help!



## gueraguerra (Sep 19, 2015)

Is this abuse?

So here is the deal:

I married my husband 8 months into our relationship (I was 22, he was 21) and we have been together for almost 8 years. Recently things have taken a large turn, and I cannot determine if 1) it's abuse 2) it's me? 3) I need to leave/he needs to leave 4) how do you leave someone you love?

The breaking point was this little rundown - 

Saturday night he stays out late with his friends (normal).
I wake up Sunday morning to see he fell asleep on the couch and there is my mop bucket with a mixture of blood and bile next to him. I calmly asked him what happened and he says "I was throwing up last night and was screaming for you and you were so busy deep sleeping you never came to help me. I could have died and you would have just slept." He then wouldn't tell me what really happened. 

Sunday mornings I do a little breakfast routine, so I went to the store to get some air and came home and quietly and calmly made breakfast. We sat down and ate, and I let him know that I was having a hard time focusing on breakfast because I was concerned about him and I needed to know what happened in case he needs to go to the hospital (which he did NOT want to do). He eventually told me he had been doing cocaine the past week at work, came home the night before felt sick and was having stomach cramps. He ended up throwing up and his nose started bleeding at the same time (and I assume it redirected out his mouth). His nose bleeds easily and he is pre-diabetic (or was two years ago, I'm sure it has only progressed). I asked him why he was using coke, because it isn't going to help him, and he just said that he used it as a teenager and he was fine. He also chose to focus on the fact that I will take him to the doctor when he is bleeding but I won't take the time to make him a simple eye appointment or dentist appointment. It was getting heated so after breakfast I went to see my family hoping that we would both cool off. 

I returned home and he was made that I was gone for so long (2 hours). Things clearly didn't cool so I distracted myself by cleaning the house. He got mad that I was trying to pick up his clothes, so I decided to wash dishes instead. He told me I was too loud and to "get out of here". I went to my room and napped. I woke up and decided to go get a coffee to relax and he was leaving for a 2 day road trip to Wyoming (we live in OR). I asked him when he was leaving, he said "what do you care?" I then asked him when he was returning, he said "why do you ask me so many F-ing questions??". So I turned around to leave and get a coffee. We ended up both trying to walk out the door at the same time, and he wouldn't walk outside with me. He wanted to keep a distance and claimed that I was following him. 

Next day he texts me and says he loves me. I said 'thanks'. 
Day after, he texts me and says he loves me. Again, said 'thanks'. 

The day he came home I went to work. I came home and wasn't ready to speak with him, so I decided to grab my dog and take him to use the restroom first. When I went inside, he yelled at me and was pissed that I cared more about the dog than him (this is a constant battle, btw). He left for the day. 

Next day, I came home from work to see him laying on the bed. I said 'hello' and asked when he last took the dog out "never" was the response. I said okay, have you fed him? "Nope". FYI, this means the dog was in his crate for over 16 hours. Without food, water or using the restroom. I took him out and we walked for an hour. I came home to find my husband in the shower. When he got out, he said "you have 20 minutes to get ready, we're going to a nice dinner." I wasn't excited or anything, but I just followed the motions. We get to dinner and he has me order an expensive bottle of wine. He then proceeds to tell me that it is our "last supper". We are getting a divorce, he has already lined up a place to stay and has told his mother. It kind of was relieving, and I found it a nice way to break up - respectable and caring. As the meal progressed, he suddenly began telling me why it didn't work and the things I need to change about myself (again, a constant battle - because as a human, I can always grow and improve absolutely, but I am not going to change how I dress, how often I go to the gym, etc.). He somehow changed the meal into a situation about how we are going to "fix" this. I ended up going to the restroom and crying. We went home, he was pissed, and packed his suitcase to leave. He never left. He instead just went to sleep on the couch. 

Next day, he was really nice and all lovey-dovey but I couldn't put anymore effort. I was (and am) exhausted. Based on previous experience, I know that I will fall back into his arms, we will forget everything...then it will happen again. He dropped me off at work and was upset that I didn't kiss him goodbye (I did kiss him on the cheek). I went out with a GF that night and he picked me up and took me out for a drink after. He didn't start conversation and it was awkward. Eventually, I let him know that I am having a very, very difficult time trusting him and he has a lot of ground to make up. Again, he was pissed, but we both went home and he snuck into the bed that night and slept next to me. 

Yesterday, he sent me a text telling me he loves me so much and loves me "just the way I am". It is the right thing to say, but I am not allowing myself to feel it. This morning he went out to buy me a coffee (nice) and then when dropped me off at work wouldn't let me give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye because "I didn't kiss him goodnight last night" (not nice). 

Here I am, so exhausted, confused and just don't know what to do. Everyone is telling me to leave him - but I do still love him. I know who he could be and when things are good, they are fantastic! And now that he knows he really screwed up, he is saying all the right things. He was my first BF, lover, yadayada. So I have never gone through a break up before, let alone a divorce. I feel in such a limbo and am afraid I will regret losing him because I know how much he does love me. I am so, so confused and nothing seems clear. I could really use the help. I don't know if this is emotional abuse. I don't know if I am justifying his behavior. I don't want to break his heart. I am so lost.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get out yesterday. You have no future there.

You know what to do. C'mon!!!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This is not a healthy relationship at all. This guy sounds very unstable and emotionally immature.

I think you know what you need to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gueraguerra said:


> Is this abuse?
> 
> I cannot determine if 1) it's abuse 2) it's me? 3) I need to leave/he needs to leave 4) how do you leave someone you love?
> 
> The breaking point was this little rundown -


You are at a breaking point and rundown? After reading your post... so am I.



gueraguerra said:


> Is this abuse?
> 
> I cannot determine if 1) it's abuse 2) it's me? 3) I need to leave/he needs to leave 4) how do you leave someone you love?
> 
> The breaking point was this little rundown -


You are at a breaking point and rundown? After reading your post... so am I.

*1) it's abuse? * - if not abuse, it's so close that I cannot tell the difference. He's a drama queen. He's not taking care of his health and then using the increasing bad health to beat up on you emotionally.
Read these two links. I think they will help you. 
The Cycle of Abuse | Respect For Women
Note that the one below is about narcissistic cycle of abuse. That’s what your husband sounds like. It’s all about him. Your situation sounds like a combination of the two.
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse | The Exhausted Woman

He’s upset because you want to take him to the emergency room for what looks like an emergency but you will not make simple eye and dental appointments for him? This guy can spin anything into support for his victim status. The proper reply to such nonsense is: “You are an adult. You are completely capable to making your own eye and dental appointments. When you need emergency care, I’ll help you as I should if you allow it, which you will not.”

What I noticed from what you wrote on this is that it looks like you did not set him straight but instead folded under his victimhood rants. One of the reasons that he pulls this nonsense on you is that you put up with it. 
*2) it's me? * – It’s only you in the sense that you have enabled this behavior in him. If you had told him from day one that you will not tolerate this nonsense, you would not be dealing with it. People who are abusive select partners who allow themselves to be abused.
But is it you? No, he’s an emotional mess, an abuse/manipulator.

*3) I need to leave/he needs to leave * - you need to end this marriage because it’s only going to get worse over time. Who leaves depends on your situation. What is important is that you get away from him.

*4) how do you leave someone you love? *

You say that you love him. Then you say:


gueraguerra said:


> when things are good, they are fantastic!


See, you are not in the honeymoon stage of the cycle of abuse. That’s where he turns into prince charming and woo you back into his little came. As soon as he feels comfortable that you are not going to leave him, he will allow himself to feel the tension and he will go back into another explosion. And round and round you go. How do you like that merry-go-round? Do you want to stay on it for the rest of your life?

99.999% of victims of abuse say exactly those same words “When things are good, they are fantastic!” It’s a HUGE red flag. They are good if you enjoy being set-up for his game… if you enjoy being set up for his next attack/explosion. Right now, while he’s being nice, the hairs should be rising on the back of your neck…. Because at some point the tension will rise and there will be another explosion.



gueraguerra said:


> I know who he could be and when things are good, they are fantastic!


It’s a fantasy of yours that you know who he could be. When he is good, he is only good to calm you down long enough to trick you into staying.

The person you think he can me does not exist. You need to concentrate on who is really is…. he’s the guy has you on the cycle of abuse merry-go-round. That’s him. That’s all you get if you stay with him.

In an adult, potential means nothing. What you see is what you get. Also, a person is only as good as the worst of them.

He’s the guy who sets up a passive-aggressive attack on you by taking you to dinner to tell you in a nice way that he is breaking up with you, then spends the rest of the evening attacking you verbally. That entire dinner was a setup. He took you out and expected you to break down in public, cry and beg him to stay. (he wanted to humiliate you in public) Instead you reacted in a way that he did not expect… you welcomed his choice to leave and even thought it was sweet. So of course then the turned on your and attacked you the rest of the night. He needed you to cry and beg, not be accepting and happy. So now he’s being all nice and kissing up to you so that down the road a bit he can ambush you with another attack.

That’s who he is. You have to accept that because fantasy does not work in real life.

If you think I’m cynical or wrong here, do a lot of reading on abuse. The internet is full of good sites that will give you plenty of information.
So back to your question… how do you leave someone you love? It’s two phased.

1)	You realize that the person you live is a fantasy of the perfect partner for you. He does not exist in your husband. Now your husband plays that character sometimes to keep you off balance, but that’s not who your husband it. Your husband is that guy who you wrote about in your OP (opening post). 

2)	You love yourself enough to protect yourself from this abuse. You love yourself enough to not love the person your husband actually is and you leave


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

An unavknowledge coke, alcohol, gambling, phyiscal abuse, other substance abuse is an automatic deal breaker until acknowledge and steps taken to alleviate them. If you want to protect your love for him, separate now! Notice I said your love, as in your personal emotional attachment to him. You both make it though this, get to a point you want right now, and find a big part of you just does not care. You will be glad he is heathy and in a good spot, your have all the things that are important in a relationship to you. He will get you, support you and all those wonderful things. Yet your heart will be somehow empty and you will be asking your self is this all there is. You will have one the battle and lost the war if you do not separate.

I cannot tell you about tough love, living with an addict, etc. I am telling you the same basic principles as water rescue apply. Reach, throw, go. I can tell you at 16 i got the BSA life saving merit badge and the instructor was a 5'10" 190 pound SOB who lived to prove how stupid it was going. The final was simple, he swam 100 yrds or so out in a cold oct lake and all you had to do was bring him in. The first four failed, I passed but barely (I was born and lived in the water but even so both he had more then a few bruises) Freaking billie went next and the instructor came in as meek as a lamb. Billie stared by duving down under him, as he started to come up behind him the inst started to turn to grab him and drag him under. Well good ole Billie boy grap himself a big handful if inst testies, spun inst around, then reached over inst shoulder and grabed himself a big handful of inst under arm hair. And to this day a part of me thinks billie cheated. I mean what if the guy had been metro sexual ?

You have taken a vow of for better or worse, but that is not a suicide pact. Find people that can teach you how to protect yourself and help him.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

When your husband changes a light bulb, does he just hold the bulb while the world revolves around him?

Your husband is a victim of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) it is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively reoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to 
themselves and others. 

You do not deserve the treatment you are getting, and do not need to stick around trying to FIX him....Please leave, and find someone who will appreciate you and treat you well...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The posts above say it all. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and have now zoned out to protect your heart. You tell him he needs to get IC, you will not put up with this anymore. Consider seperation to see if he does anything about himself. He will only wear you down and destroy you. Get IC for yourself to.


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## redwing_10 (Mar 29, 2012)

This is not a healthy way to act. His behavior for sure, and yours for putting up with it. IC is needed for you. Spouses that have the need to find fault with their mate are very hard to deal with. If you react to their comments, pretty soon you are dancing to every move they call. That was my personal experience. It would seem to me that this can only work if a lot of soul searching is done on both sides. He will have to want to stop acting like he does, if he doesn't, I can't see how you can stay in such a situation. Really, a marriage is about two people working on themselves to be the best they can be...not focused on the other person. If he won't make himself the best person he can be and give up the coke, etc., you need to get out.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

He sounds like he's on more than an ocaissional coke binge, also sounds like irrational behavior to me - or drug induced, or drug induced psychosis, or pyschosis (at the very least possible Bi-Polar)

But first instincts say he is into some bad sh1t 
Ans he is acting very immature and passive aggressively

You just have a dog, no kids
You are young and can find exactly what you want - in how your life unfolds...your job, where you live, what you do for fun, how you are treated by others....

Bail - go with what your gut tells you


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You're not in love with your husband. You're in love with what and who he could be, not who he is. You're in love with an idea, a concept, an illusion.

Your actual husband is an alcoholic, coke addict or heading in that direction, overgrown frat boy.

You say he's regularly out late on weekends drinking, partying w friends, and now doing coke. Is that what loving, committed, loyal husbands do? No. 

Considering he even admitted doing coke at work, you'll be lucky if he doesn't end up unemployed. You don't mention how he gets home. If he drives himself, you'll be lucky if he doesn't end up in a car accident or arrested for DUI. If he does get into an accident when drunk or on coke, you could be sued for every asset you have including your home.

Start divorce proceedings. If he miraculously gets his shyte straight you can always stop the process or get remarried.

And, for the love of God, DO NOT have a child with this "man". If you want to stay with a manipulative, alcoholic, drug using, immature frat boy, fine. But to bring a child into it would be nothing short of irresponsible and cruel to the child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mmcm3333 (Sep 12, 2015)

You have no children, so this is pretty easy.

You're downplaying the role of cocaine, drinking and his dependency. 

Don't mess around- he's got addiction issues and you're both kind of pretending they're okay. My first reaction to the mop bucket was 'holy crap'. That's not okay and not normal. I'm guessing your instincts are to get out- but you're making excuses- why? I don't know- you have to figure that out yourself. What in your life led you to put up with this crap and pretend it's acceptable behavior from a partner?

It's pretty bad- and his emotional behavior is typical of an addict. You can offer to get help- and he goes to rehab- and he balks, I'd walk. But I'd already plan to walk whether or not he wants help. There's nothing there for you to keep yourself tied to such an abnormal relationship. See if he wants help and support him as a friend, but that's all you can and should do. And you don't bend over backwards. He checked out and has nothing to offer for a real relationship or even a friendship. Whatever he says when he's in his 'nice' state of mind is just to get you to stay through his crappy phases. Addicts are extremely selfish and manipulative.

Once you get him out of your life, you'll find you are happier, lighter, and able to focus on real and more fulfilling aspects of your life. In time, you'll be able to find someone that gives you real fulfillment in a relationship. Once you start down this road, you'll realize how toxic this guy is in your life and (hopefully) you'll never let it happen again.

The one thing I ask, please take the dog with you. Even if you have to fake negotiations about that and be deceptively nice, just get that dog out of there. He might fight you, so be willing to fake everything just to get that dog (and yourself) away from that situation. Lie, cheat, whatever, but get both of you out of there into a better situation. Trust me, he may be upset once he learns he's really alone, but he may also not give a crap because he suddenly has nothing to keep him from his downward spiral. You both don't need this- and wash your hands of this since he doesn't seem to want to get help. You (and the dog) have so many possibilities open to you once you shake this off.


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