# venting and pondering



## onesullengurl (Jun 19, 2008)

I apologize in advance this is gonig to be VERY long .. and I guess I just need to write it out even if nobody reads it ...

I have been with my husband for 10 years ( since I was 16) lived with him for 9 and been married to him for 5 ... we have a 6 year old and a 2 yr old together ... I don't really remember when or how things went sour in the first place , I just know that when our first son was born we struggle for a few years as young parents and financially (big time financially) I was 19 and he was 22 at the time our son was born ... I did not drive or work ... he says he felt alone or like I didn't care to help ... but that is not true because I was struggling as a young mother with severe post partum depression and second thoughts .. I took care of our baby 24/7 with NO help because he "had to work".... and ontop of it my son was sick for the first 2 weeks and so was I the hospital had given me penicillin and Im allergic to it .. then put me on sedatives and major anti -histamines.... I was pretty out of it to say the least.... my husband did not understand anything about my ppd and would jsut say it was a excuse and I was making it up and he did not care at all... eventually it turned into anxiety attacks and agoraphobia for me I felt very isolated ... I felt as if the baby and I were just a problem to him and started to fall out of love ..I think he did too and just resented having to work allt he time and do everything "himself".... and we stopped even talking to eachother or looking at eachother ( it was awkward ) I started talking to this guy online that I met through my brother when he was gone STRICTLY as friends and platonic never talked to him on the pohone or nothing ... about a year 1/2 in it started turning into more .. we just kind of fell for eachother over time and couldnt help it anymore I really felt as if this guy was my soulmate ... he continued to ask me to leave my husband for him and be with him but I waas torn because I DID still love my husband and our baby and wanted to be a family ... I decided to come clean with him about this other guy online... and go from there .... he was VERY angry /hurt he did not appreciate my honesty at ALL he spent the next morning before work crying in the bathroom and punching the walls ( never seen him cry before that ) .. I was soo shocked because I thought he didnt care about me anymore ... he was angry the next day and called me lots of names and such then it ended and we jsut did not talk at all again or looka t eachother ... If I tryed to go near him or hug him he would violently push me away and say nasty things to me .... I gave up and continued to talk to the guy we talked about marriage , kids , everything and I was really ready to just leave and be with him and then I stopped myself and cut ALL ties with him didnt talk to him at all anymore .... it hurt , I missed him but ithought I was doing what was right..... so back up a little and over these months ..these 2 guys keep knocking on our door but my husband tells me he doesnt know how they are and I dont either and am scared so I dont answer the door and never thought about it wierd for my husband not to answer and say something to them .. only later talknig my mother in law did i realize it was fishy that my husband wouldnt jsut tell them to go away and hide from them ... so I gave him one more chance to come clean and asked him and he still denied that he was involved with them ... later we joked ..I said "waht are you sleeping with his wife or something?" and he chuckled and told me no .... so the 2 guys come again after this at like 11 at night and I answered the door despite my husband telling me not to .. I was fed up and wanted to know what was going on ... they wouldnt tell me anything they told me they were a friend from work and wanted to talk to him outside since it was late at night ( yeah right!) I was convinced they wanted to beat him up for something and I knew the guy was lieng because he was starring me right in the eye with a smirk ... i told him no and shut the door and my husband still denied everything ..... fast forward back to the week after me coming clean about this other guy( its our sons 3rd B-day) I get a kock on the door durring the day and its these 2 guys ... I was scared to death and told him to go away or i was calling the cops.... I was alone with my son ... he promised he was not there to hurt me and he would never hurt me or my son OR my husband! and just wanted to talk to me and he would talk to me through the door it was fine .... so I listened ..he tells me " your husband has been having an affair with my wife for the last 4 months" I did not believe him I told him he has to have the wrong guy my husband would NEVER cheat he is not like that ... he said the same thing about his wife and was sorry but it was true and he couldnt believe it either but his wife came clean ..... He had letters from my husband to his wife to prove it and was slipping them under the door for me to read and I didnt read them but I did look at one and it was my husbands writing and it was written on the back of his paystub ... I couldnt believe it I dropped to the floor and was crying of all times UPS comes and i have to open the door to sign and this guy is standing there and Ims till in shock .. so the ups guy leaves and I let the guy in we smoked ciggerates together and he told me everything that his wife told him about the affair he hugged me and apologized and gave me his number if i had any questions and left .... I took our son to my sister in law before my husband came home and when he came in the door I asked him how she was and he tryed to deny it then went to the bathroom .. I could hear him int he bathroom crying and punching walls ( again!) .. I forced him to come out I told him he coulsnt be in there forever and I wanted answers ... we fought for a while but he jsut got worse .. etc etc eventually we made up and he told me he was trying to tell me all week about it and that he was never gonig to leave me for her and yada yada and he was all done with her and her the same she was quitting her job and gonig away .... I saw how sorry and hurt he was and i forgave him and we stayed together .. in ewhich time he continued to be a ass about my mental state depression, insomnia, anxiety, everything it was all fake and a excuse to him .. he got worse over time .. it started into verbal abuse he belittled me constantly he controlled EVERYTHING I did ... EVERYTHING..... I had to ask him to do anything ... then he started accusing me of cheating on him anytime I even sat at the computer for 2 seconds ............ I was feeling like I jsut wanted to kill myself at that point.... then ... so months pass he seems nice and happy again .... we decide to have a baby and lookf or a house and we have our anniversary .. he tells me on my anniversary he wants to be together forever and loves me with all his heart blah blah blah .... this is getting to long but I find out hes cheating again wiht ANOTHER different girl from work UGH (eventually) after a string of lies and this time he wants a divorce and wants to be with her!!!!! and I am 5 months pregnant and have a 4 year old.... over that time he was with her and seperating for me he was VERY mean and violent and like he wasnt him he was just some monster ... he put me and my son(s) through ALOT despite everything he did and was doing I didnt want to lose him and kept fighting to take him back and keep him .. ( maybe cuz I was pregnant with his baby ) I don't know but I was stupid !! ... we went thorugh 100's more lies ( there is prob still more) ... who knows and we attended counselling for a while untill the baby was born and it was impossible to go ... since then we house hunted and moved to a new house a new town and for the last year I felt like we have been VERY VERY happy again together and as a family ... and I can't help but to tear up when I see him with my 2 yr old and think those moments may have never happened ... soooooooooooo here we are .. he still tends to be verbally abusive and controlls everything but not as bad as he used to I think he really is trying to be good to me but he jsut doesn't know how or what that is .... I know he loves me and I do love him but I don't think we are "in love" and it feels as though weve been trying and pertending to be in love again when its just not gonig to happen again ....weve jsut been through to much and there is no way we can go back now .... it makes me cry jsut thinking about it because he was my best friend , he saved me from ALOT when I was a teen and my mother was not there.... he is the only man I have EVER loved in my whole life ..... aside from everything else being good now since moving and starting over .... now all of a sudden he refuses to EVER have sex with me even if I jsut want to make a move on him Not suggesting sex .. like hug him or kiss him or touch him or ANYTHING he pushes me away and rejects me ( not nicely) he ALWAYS says hes to tired and its to late or something..... the reason this makes me so mad is because he wants other things when he wants them which is pretty much all the time and he doesn't even consider taking no for a answer he gets mad at me if I dont or wont and trys to make me feel guilty and tells me " im gonig to the bathroom" if I tell him Im not in the mood or im doing something ( which I usually am ) like cooking or something ..Like If he wants something I have to jsut stop what im doing or hes mad and " I don't love him" Like Im suppose to cook his dinner and please him at the same time??? Im only one person ... and I really dont want to be doing either since he jsut treats me like krap all the time  He NEVER EVER wants to have sex with me .. anytime I try to bring it up or ask him why he gets angry and turns the whole thing around on me and changes the subject and avoids answering me .. he starts saying stuff about how Im tellnig him how he feels and blah blah 
I am getting sick of the same thing day after day ..all he does is come home ***** about dinner goes straight to our bedroom to play WOW then after *****ing about dinner by the time he comes out and gets it its cold... then he says I can never cook anything good ... eats then goes right back to playing his game or goes to sleep .. he never will help with ANYTHING he just sits on his ass or does what ever it is HE wants to do while I do EVERYTHING and take care of the kids .. he ignores the kids aswell as me .. I can't even get 15 minutes to myself to go for walk at night because he wont help and Im stuck with the kids while he plays his game .....he never wants to do anything with us as a family like go places or whatever ... I know he works and I know hes tired and I know "I get to stay home" but that is not a excuse for not wanting to spend time with your wife or faimly ...its just a lazy stupid excuse .... not to mention I know other men work and they STILL come home and help thier kids with homework or help pack them a snack or help clean the plates fromt he dinner table ... or wash the little ones hands and face and get them down from thier highchair I mean god Im not asking him to do anything physically demanding .. Im asking himto be a father thats stuff he should be doing ANYWAYS without me asking because he loves his kids and his family ... but Im starting to think he just doesnt want us around at all  ... I STILLLLLL love him despite EVERYTHING .. and even if I didnt I couldnt leave him .. I dont work I dont drive ... I could not support 2 kids by myself .. I dont want to rip my son out of school they are happy here..... I just don't know what to do anymore I dont things between my husband and I will ever change and I am miserable ..... I wish he could just love me the way I love him .. all I ever wanted was respect and love and support and a family ..... but once again I am let down like always by everyone ....


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Wow. You have dealt with a lot at such a young age. 

From what you've said here, your husband sounds very manipulative, controlling and abusive. I don't see where he is showing any love or support towards you and your children. I'm trying to figure out why you love him and want to stay in this situation and the only thing I come up with is *security*. I know you want a happy family life, but it doesn't seem as if he can give you that as he appears to be very selfish and immature. It seems as though meeting you at a young age, he rescued you from a bad situation but he is no knight in shining armour, sounds more like the lessor of 2 evils.

If at all possible, I would go to counseling alone. I think it will be very difficult for you to improve your situation until you are able to get a handle on your anxiety/depression, especially if you have trouble leaving the house. How would your husband react to you learning to drive? If not well, do you have any friends that might help you borrow a car and learn? If it's something you could do, I think it would give you a sense of freedom and not feel so trapped. If you did not finish high school, I would look into a GED program. I guess in short, I'd work on you for a while and do things that will make you feel more confident and secure.

I agree he has let you down, but this is his issue. I have been let down by every man in my life that I've looked to for support and not so long ago felt I must be unlovable (I'm 45) What I have since realized is that I needed to step up and put some ground rules in place for myself of what I will and will not put up with from others. If they cannot respect me, then I do not want them in my life.

From what you've said about his comments on your cooking, his sexual demands, etc. he is treating you like property and not showing love towards you at all. You need to get to a point where you feel like you can stand up for yourself.

I honestly don't know if you can turn this around. He will probably resist any positive changes you make because he will lose the control he has over you. But quite honestly, I don't know how you can keep going on this way. I'd much rather see you work on yourself and put the ball in his court to either step up or get out.

I know it's much easier for me to ramble on about what I think you should do vs. having to make these difficult changes and choices but you deserve to be loved and respected and happy...you don't owe him anything.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This relationship is _extremely_ damaging - to the both of you. 

You seriously need to consider seeing a counselor or therapist to provide you with support - and a means of getting out of these circumstances.


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