# How did your "I want a divorce" conversation go?



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Well, after agonizing for months, reading tons of books, going to MC and IC, stressing, crying, making myself sick over it all, I believe I have decided that I must ask for a divorce. I had a great session with counselor yesterday, and he helped me talk things through and realized that the changes that I need to have happen in this marriage are not going to happen. 

There is no way I can get my needs met with him, because he has so many emotional issues and chronic depression of which he is in denial. I need him to take full responsibility for working on himself, his health, his depression, his emotional issues from childhood, before we can even begin working on our marriage. But he continues to behave selfishly, acting as if the world should revolve around him and make life as convenient as possible for him. Anything that I do, or don't do, that he perceives as a failure to support him or anticipate his needs results in him giving me the cold shoulder, making passive aggressive comments, or implying that I am inconsiderate or lazy. He behaves as though I'm the only one with a problem, so I am doing all the work in this marriage to make it better. I can't do it by myself. I'm done. 

I'd like to hear how some of you who initiated divorce went about having that conversation; particularly if the other spouse didn't want a divorce. This will be without a doubt the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life. Any support or advice would be welcome.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There was no precursory discussion. Period*!

STBXW came into my study in March, 2011 and announced that she felt that we needed a trial separation effective in May, 2011 when school let out~ and that we needed to save gas in driving the boys to school some 25 miles away and that it would be more cost-effective for me to direct traffic from the college town rather than from our small little one-horse town.

In November, 2011, STBXW left a sealed copy of the petition for divorce with my sons, never ever confronting me about it.

There was no further communication about it whatsoever other than one angry phone call from her and an email some 12 hours later stipulating that there would absolutely be no reconciliation.

A month later, through careful examination of her cell-phone/texting reords and FB postings, I sadly discovered that she had been having dual EA's/PA's with two OM from her past for as much as a year prior to my "banishment" from our home ~ greatly meaning that there was an extremely high probability that she had been sleeping with all of us simultaneously.

And quite probably the reason that she so figuratively put us out on the street!


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You got sh*t on by your wife. Obviously that's not how I want to handle it with my H.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I woke up that morning, had no clue what the day was about to bring. For some reason I just snapped (not in a n angry way) and I decided that it was time to end things.

I went to him, we spoke, I said I thought we were over and we should get divorced. He cried, we both cried but we agreed that it was what we had to do. We then talked for a little while and told the kids together. It was a terrible day and the pain I saw in my kids eyes was horrible.

3 years down the track I still think of that day occasionally and feel sad but know it was the right decision. 

We went on to have a difficult 12 months but got through that, no Lawyers we did our own settlement and parenting plan. We co parent and do 50/50, we have remained friends and support each other particularly with parenting.
We have both re partnered.

Most importantly our kids are doing really well, deep down they knew we were unhappy. They are doing exceptionally well at school, socially having a blast and just generally happy kids.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Just be totally truthful, Waking, and in no way deceptive about it!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My friend just calmly told her husband. He didn't want it and fought her for a year but its over now and she's very happy now with someone else.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My situation is a little unusual in that I've been married many years and he had an affair decaded ago. 

Since the last time I have been thinking of divorce. I am normally someone who makes very quick decisions but not about this.

One day recently, I knew it was time to go and I said "I'm getting a divorce." He was very unhappy and wanted to discuss it. I reminded him that several years ago I told him I might not get over the reoccurrence of his affair and that I hadn't. So, there was nothing to discuss.

We are actually getting along very well now that we know where we are going (divorce court).


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Holland - I had that same "snap" yesterday. Not angry either, just felt like my mind was going to burst if I couldn't start living the way I want to live and just be ME for once. Things were becoming so intense for me that I was literally shaking. Thank goodness I had a counseling session scheduled. I left there with a calm resolve that I can really, truly do what I need to do and that even though this will be terribly painful, it's the right thing to do.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

What I fear the most about the conversation is that I will crumble underneath the tremendous pain and begging and pleading that my H will undoubtedly express. Being a codependent, my entire role in this marriage has always been to soothe him, tell him everything will be ok, we'll work through this, don't worry. I'm just afraid I won't be strong enough to stand firm and not allow him to coerce me into changing my mind. I need to rehearse how I will say it and be prepared for the onslaught of agony that will follow.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> What I fear the most about the conversation is that I will crumble underneath the tremendous pain and begging and pleading that my H will undoubtedly express. Being a codependent, my entire role in this marriage has always been to soothe him, tell him everything will be ok, we'll work through this, don't worry. I'm just afraid I won't be strong enough to stand firm and not allow him to coerce me into changing my mind. I need to rehearse how I will say it and be prepared for the onslaught of agony that will follow.


You need to think of yourself and not him when you have that conversation. Focus on what your life will be like going forward. My husband didn't beg and plead (he's not the type) but I knew he wouldn't be happy about it. I am normally the family fixer. You name it and I take care of it. But when I said I wanted a divorce, I thought of myself and, for once, no one else.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, we have been separated almost 2 months. Divorce wasn't brought up until the other morning when I said:

"I will be filing for divorce after my next paycheck and you need to move out."


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> What I fear the most about the conversation is that I will crumble underneath the tremendous pain and begging and pleading that my H will undoubtedly express. Being a codependent, my entire role in this marriage has always been to soothe him, tell him everything will be ok, we'll work through this, don't worry. I'm just afraid I won't be strong enough to stand firm and not allow him to coerce me into changing my mind. I need to rehearse how I will say it and be prepared for the onslaught of agony that will follow.


This is the hard part. You just have to be determined in your own mind before you go into that conversation that NOTHING will change your mind. Just picture how things would feel if you stay after that, or if you leave and then come back...you know that everything will go right back to how it is now. I have been through this side of it twice, and both now ex's begged, pleaded, cried...sorry, but I have no sympathy after getting my feelings sh!t on for years by both. Sure NOW they're sorry, NOW they have regret. Ugh. 

Focus on your future after you get this nasty part out of the way. You will not believe the enormous weight that is lifted from you once this part is done, the burden that is gone. THIS IS ABOUT YOU. Feel free to PM me if you like.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

October 2011: Daughter was away for the weekend at a youth retreat through our church. I walked into H's office and calmly told him, "I want a divorce." (We were married for 19 years at that point.) He was shocked to say the least, but I was through. We talked about it a couple of times that weekend (he tried to process), then he asked me to stay through the holidays so they wouldn't be "ruined". I determined to stay through the first of the year, but then decided to stay through the school year.

April 2012: He and daughter got into a blow-up wherein he was completely out-of-control. Daughter was crying; I told her I was leaving him and she was welcome to come. I started openly packing my stuff to leave the state end of May 2012. Daughter decided to stay and finish high school with her friends. I had to move my departure date up as H got physically confrontational and threatened to kill me. Had to file a complaint with the sheriff's office (we lived rurally) and ask for back-up if necessary on my move-out date.

H is a narcissist who is FURIOUS and lashing out over my disloyalty and departure. He has tried to create division between our daughter and myself.

IF YOU suspect that your H is a narcissist or BPD, PLEASE read KathyBatesel's page (she's a TAM member like you & me) on leaving these people. You need to know what's coming so you can protect yourself.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me, also, if you need anything!

*hugs*


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Forgot to add:

I have NEVER (not for one minute) regretted this decision! I wish I had done it 10 years earlier when we split the FIRST TIME! I have peace, JOY, contentment, respect EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life now!


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

I had the best possible outcome. I brought up divorce to him. Initially he was very upset and distant. He wanted to leave as soon as possible. After awhile, he calmed down. He's still leaving of course. Now we can have an easy conversation about our friendship. He's accepted it. We've split everything evenly. It is very uncontested. He also made me one last meal. He's a great cook, and I will miss his cooking.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> Well, after agonizing for months, reading tons of books, going to MC and IC, stressing, crying, making myself sick over it all, I believe I have decided that I must ask for a divorce. I had a great session with counselor yesterday, and he helped me talk things through and realized that the changes that I need to have happen in this marriage are not going to happen.
> 
> There is no way I can get my needs met with him, because he has so many emotional issues and chronic depression of which he is in denial. I need him to take full responsibility for working on himself, his health, his depression, his emotional issues from childhood, before we can even begin working on our marriage. But he continues to behave selfishly, acting as if the world should revolve around him and make life as convenient as possible for him. Anything that I do, or don't do, that he perceives as a failure to support him or anticipate his needs results in him giving me the cold shoulder, making passive aggressive comments, or implying that I am inconsiderate or lazy. He behaves as though I'm the only one with a problem, so I am doing all the work in this marriage to make it better. I can't do it by myself. I'm done.
> 
> I'd like to hear how some of you who initiated divorce went about having that conversation; particularly if the other spouse didn't want a divorce. This will be without a doubt the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life. Any support or advice would be welcome.


I was not the one who initiated the separation. My ex said she was moving out but I initiated the legal stuff after finding out she hid a large sum of money prior to moving out.

More importantly, my ex-wife was exactly the same as your husband. Bad childhood, thinks the world owes her a favor, expects to be the prime consideration in any exchange, disagreement, etc. So, I can weigh in on your question from both perspectives.

Your discussion with him will almost undoubtedly go badly. Look at it this way - you get crap when you try to tactfully establish some balance in the relationship and keep your needs in the mix, right? What do you think will happen when you tell him (in his mind) "screw you, you don't matter, I do"?

But, you're right that you can't change him, and he does not have enough empathy and consideration to want to do right by you and get the help he needs. Moreover, you are doing the right thing by getting out on your timing. You can be assured that he would have left you without remorse once he thought remaining with you was not "worth it" to him. And, given his self-centeredness, he might have tried to take advantage of you in the process.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Holland - I had that same "snap" yesterday. Not angry either, just felt like my mind was going to burst if I couldn't start living the way I want to live and just be ME for once. Things were becoming so intense for me that I was literally shaking. Thank goodness I had a counseling session scheduled. I left there with a calm resolve that I can really, truly do what I need to do and that even though this will be terribly painful, it's the right thing to do.


Be strong.

Do you have a good support network around you?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Holland said:


> Be strong.
> 
> Do you have a good support network around you?


I think so. I have a good therapist, my mom, a couple of close friends. These are the few people that are even remotely aware of my marriage difficulties. I know there are others who would support me once they knew I was leaving. Oh, and of course, the good people here on TAM! But I've come to rely upon myself for my own support. I've had to do that for so long, it's second nature. In fact, when I look back at some difficult times in my life, I think 'why didn't I ask for more help? Why did I think I had to carry that burden alone when others would've helped?' I will have to remember that during this process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

There was no discussion for me. My stbxh blindsided me.

Timeframe:

Morning: We slept together, went out to eat, everything was supposedly normal.

Afternoon: He went to work and kissed me goodbye.

Night: Came home, sat on the bed where I was laying down(I was 8 months pregnant and very tired) and said "I can't do this anymore" "I don't love you" ,etc etc.

He told me he would give me a ride to my mothers house. I declined and had my mother pick me up instead. I left at 3 am.


That was it.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Despite my ex being the one to leave (I got home one night and he said that he wasn't happy, needed space, ya di ya) I was the one that filed for divorce three weeks later. I was upset at first but it wasn't too long before I realised it was a blessing in disguise

He was so desperate to get some money out of me (i.e. me buy him out of the house) so he could live his supposedly brilliant bachelor lifestyle that he just went along with everything. He thought we were going to separate for two years but when I'd seen my lawyer I knew there was no point. So I came back and said 'we're getting divorced now, should be done in six months'. And it was 

ETA: just be honest - it's all you can do and it's the only fair thing to do. I still don't know all the ins and outs of why my marriage fell apart and it's bloody annoying


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

holland

i'm sorry the marriage didn't work

i admire your straightforward approach

and especially appreciate your attention 

to the children

good for you


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

SpunkySpunky said:


> There was no discussion for me. My stbxh blindsided me.
> 
> Timeframe:
> 
> ...


Wow. 8 months pregnant and he dumps you like a used paper plate. What a d*ck. I'm sorry.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Waking up to life said:


> Well, after agonizing for months, reading tons of books, going to MC and IC, stressing, crying, making myself sick over it all, I believe I have decided that I must ask for a divorce. I had a great session with counselor yesterday, and he helped me talk things through and realized that the changes that I need to have happen in this marriage are not going to happen.
> 
> There is no way I can get my needs met with him, because he has so many emotional issues and chronic depression of which he is in denial. I need him to take full responsibility for working on himself, his health, his depression, his emotional issues from childhood, before we can even begin working on our marriage. But he continues to behave selfishly, acting as if the world should revolve around him and make life as convenient as possible for him. Anything that I do, or don't do, that he perceives as a failure to support him or anticipate his needs results in him giving me the cold shoulder, making passive aggressive comments, or implying that I am inconsiderate or lazy. He behaves as though I'm the only one with a problem, so I am doing all the work in this marriage to make it better. I can't do it by myself. I'm done.
> 
> I'd like to hear how some of you who initiated divorce went about having that conversation; particularly if the other spouse didn't want a divorce. This will be without a doubt the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life. Any support or advice would be welcome.



reading that was like looking in the mirror for I was your husband. You are right it is not going to get better until he starts looking at himself. No you cant help him do it. You have just reached your end before he woke up.

good luck and I wish you much happiness in your new life


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> I think so. I have a good therapist, my mom, a couple of close friends. These are the few people that are even remotely aware of my marriage difficulties. I know there are others who would support me once they knew I was leaving. Oh, and of course, the good people here on TAM! But I've come to rely upon myself for my own support. I've had to do that for so long, it's second nature. In fact, when I look back at some difficult times in my life, I think 'why didn't I ask for more help? Why did I think I had to carry that burden alone when others would've helped?' I will have to remember that during this process.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is important to have these people around you. Just being honest here, divorce is a very difficult thing to go through. Ask for help if you need it and yes don't forget the wonderful community of TAM.

For me divorce has been a major growing experience, painful but also very enlightening. I am happier today than I was for many years in my marriage. You sound like a strong person, just keep moving forward and you will get to the other side of this.

Wishing you lots of strength.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> What I fear the most about the conversation is that I will crumble underneath the tremendous pain and begging and pleading that my H will undoubtedly express. Being a codependent, my entire role in this marriage has always been to soothe him, tell him everything will be ok, we'll work through this, don't worry. I'm just afraid I won't be strong enough to stand firm and not allow him to coerce me into changing my mind. I need to rehearse how I will say it and be prepared for the onslaught of agony that will follow.


Maybe cutting the cord is the only way he'll ever take responsibility for his life. In that way you're doing what's best for him, too. Not that you don't already know that.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> Maybe cutting the cord is the only way he'll ever take responsibility for his life. In that way you're doing what's best for him, too. Not that you don't already know that.


This is exactly what my therapist said. He needs to learn to soothe himself, entertain himself, depend on his own strength to get through things, stop blaming other people for the unfairness in life we all experience. Instead he relies on me for all the above. Because I can't possibly live up to this 100% of the time, I invariably fail him, disappoint him, let him down. I then feel like a failure, I try harder, I sacrifice more, fail again, lather...rinse...repeat. I would have liked to get him to acknowledge that and work on building his own sense of self worth. But he will never make this change as long as I'm around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well......how did my " I want a divorce go" conversation go?

My old lady initiated it and after she asked for a divorce I laughed in her face, told her to pound sand and physicaly thru her out of my man cave.

She phucked my best friend that night. He was there and saw the whole thing and followed her in the bath room and kissed her, they met in a motel later that night.

Somefriend!
I guess she showed me!

Any way those where the bad old days and since then things have changed we are more concerned as individuals to be better poeple.

I have made the choice to not be a wife beater for my self and I just didn't like the person I become so the change I made personaly were for me.

It took Mrs the-guy some time but in the end she didn't like what she had become either and also learned the tools to be a emotionaly healthier person.

But in the end we both like what we have become as individuals and are now reaping the rewards.


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Wow. 8 months pregnant and he dumps you like a used paper plate. What a d*ck. I'm sorry.


It's okay, I am doing much better as an individual anyway, I still get lonely at times, but it always passes.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I just got up out of bed...my H lays there snoring and I lay there staring at blackness. My blood is starting to boil...I literally started feeling overheated. I got up, made myself a drink (Crown Royal and Buttershots ) and am sitting here in the darkness. 

I'm angry. I'm angry that I spent another weekend feeling miserable. Weekends should be fun and relaxing. For me, they are tense...my H thinks we should spend every waking minute together...doing NOTHING. We are the most boring couple ever. I had to beg him to take me out for a drink last weekend because I was bored out of my skull. He is NOT spontaneous in the least bit. Even going out for a drink unplanned was a big deal to him. I wanted to go to the grocery store today by myself. Just a couple of hours away. As usual, he invites himself along and says "we need to eat lunch too". Well I didn't want to eat lunch. It's hard to eat when being around your H makes you feel like you got punched in the gut. So we went and ate lunch...I didn't want to...we went to the grocery store together...I didn't want him to come. 

The rest of the day, I did things to keep myself busy. I kept mulling over how I wanted to tell him it's over. I'm done. I kept waiting for a "good time" to bring it up. Our son was home all day and I'd rather not do it within earshot of him (which is hard to do if he's home because everything is within earshot when you live in a tiny fricking trailer like we do! ) So we went to bed...I didn't think he'd be too tired since he took a 2 hour nap this afternoon! I thought, maybe this will be my chance...about as soon as I thought it...:sleeping: he was sawing logs. I laid there thinking 'great...you blew it...you just couldn't woman up and tell him what you need to tell him'. 

I've been with him a total of 23 years, married 19. Why can't I talk to my own husband? Why do I let him intimidate me so much? All I know is, I HAVE to get this off my chest soon. There will be no 'perfect time' to do it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

What's ironic is that over the course of our marriage it was my husband who constantly threatened to divorce me. But in the end, it was me who actually did it. 

It was a long time coming. We'd been separated over 2 years. He's an alcoholic and has been drinking and then being sober on and off for years. He hasn't worked in 3 years. This past December for the 4th time he'd stopped drinking and then started again. He told me he was out of money, couldn't support our son and was living off his credit cards. 

That's when I realized that it wasn't enough to just be separated from him. I had to protect myself legally. I had to separate myself from him not only emotionally and physically but legally as well. It was time. It took a long time for me to get this point but by the time I made the decision I knew that I was ready. I knew that I really wanted it to happen and haven't second guessed it at all. 

So I basically told him: "Nothing personal but I have to protect myself and I'm going to file for divorce." That was pretty much it. 

He accepted it well enough at first and said he wouldn't fight me. But then went ballistic later. Then he sobered up and since then he's been very good about it. We're having an uncontested divorce. I gave him the papers to sign. Neither of us have a lawyer. It cost all of $300 and we just filed the agreement last Thursday and are waiting for a final court date. 

He says he still feels sad and said that he didn't like the idea of us being divorced. But to me, it seems like the next step that needed and had to be done. I don't want to live with him anymore or deal with his issues so it seems logical to finally get divorced so that I can get on with my life. To me its just the final step in a long, emotional and unpleasant train of events and I'm glad it's getting done. 

It's all here if you want to read more. I started writing this thread the day I decided to file:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

Waking up to life said:


> I've been with him a total of 23 years, married 19. Why can't I talk to my own husband? Why do I let him intimidate me so much? All I know is, I HAVE to get this off my chest soon. There will be no 'perfect time' to do it.



because you feel you can no longer talk to your husband

(and i doubt you two ever really did communicate)

and you are intimidated by him

i suggest you put your efforts less in words

and more in quick and decisive action


you're right, there'll never be a perfect time to have the talk

but after you finally do 

(and you will)

you'll most likely find the time was just right

remember

today is yours to live

don't give it away


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Just don't do it over text messages like my stbxh did. He was a truck driver and that was his way out. I begged and pleaded with him to no avail. Finally I decided that if he wanted a divorce, he was going to get one and I filed. Final hearing is in 4 hrs. At this point, I'm anxious to move on with my life.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

To the OP : Have you had a frank conversation with your H about the way you are feeling? Not specifically about divorce, but about how the suffocation, the lack of doing spur-of-the-moment things are making you question whether you want to stay married?

I only ask because it does seem that in many marriages, the communication is less than perfect and this causes one partner to bottle-up all their emotions and eventually cause some sort of blow-out - be that filing for divorce out of the blue (as far as the spouse is concerned) or an affair.

I am in that very boat to some extent, as my W wanted space and appears to have checked-out, and yet whilst I was aware of some of the things that niggled her about me, I had no idea of the gravity of the situation. Now I am aware I would do anything to rectify that, but I fear her mind is made up. 

It's made me see that communication really is key in all of this, and at least an attempt to work through any problems should be a precursor to divorce. Sadly, based on the number of people who post saying they were 'blindsided' by a spouse leaving, it seems that most of us struggle with this concept.

Just my 2p


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, there is never a perfect time to do it.

It's difficult and a conversation that no one really wants to have. You have to make it happen.

I felt a tremendous burden lift off my shoulders when I told my husband I was getting a divorce. And don't "ask" for a divorce. You don't need his permission. Tell him you are getting one.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I won't bore you with my breakup story as I hope you would not do that to another individual. However, I would recommend short and to the point. This is not a discussion, you are informing him of your decision. There is no good way to say this that it won't hurt, so just say it.....period. If you are afraid that you will get over emotional, then write it out so that you know what you want to say. Don't rehash previous arguments, tell him that you are leaving and will be in contact with him for legal actions. 

Before this all happens though you need to plan your tactical withdrawal. Consult with an attorney, know where you are going to go, what is going to happen to the money, etc. The more that you are on top of these issues the quicker they will go and less painful in the long run it will be to both of you. You already know that he is not going to be a happy camper, don't engage in a discussion. If you feel you want to list all your grievances do so in writing, but make the separation short and too the point. You know this is going to hurt, just pull off the band-aid as fast as you can.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It was my wife who asked for a divorce. Since my affair we had an up and down relationship (it was mostly down before the affair). We went to marriage counseling, she stopped going.

She insisted that I go to therapy. I did. She insisted I stop. I did. She insisted I go again. I did, on the promise she would go, too. She never went.

I continued asking for marriage counseling but she refused. Finally she asked for a divorce. I thought it may have been in the heat of battle but a week later she asked again. I agreed and started looking into what we needed to do to divorce.

But I think the bottom line was just my wife's frustration. When she realized I had actually gotten the forms and had talked to an attorney, she realized I was ready to go through with it and she suddenly agreed to marriage counseling like I had been asking.

We have not divorced (yet?)


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

mrtickle said:


> To the OP : Have you had a frank conversation with your H about the way you are feeling? Not specifically about divorce, but about how the suffocation, the lack of doing spur-of-the-moment things are making you question whether you want to stay married?
> 
> I only ask because it does seem that in many marriages, the communication is less than perfect and this causes one partner to bottle-up all their emotions and eventually cause some sort of blow-out - be that filing for divorce out of the blue (as far as the spouse is concerned) or an affair.
> 
> ...


This is what causes me such a dilemma. He knows I'm unhappy enough to ask him to go to MC. He has gone twice, both times he became an emotional wreck afterwards, out of proportion to what was discussed. He is SO sensitive to anything he percieves as criticism, he either puts a wall up and tries to redirect the criticism to me, or he becomes fragile like a 4 year old, saying I'm his everything and he doesn't want me to leave him and I'm all he has. In my attemps to try to talk to him about things that bother me, he somehow ends up making the conversation all about him, how he feels, how it affects him, so sad it makes him, how scared he is of being alone...then I end up clamming up again. 

I have to be honest and say that I have not to this point ever threatened divorce, so maybe I'm jumping the gun. But...as I discussed with my therapist, the issue is that I cannot change him. I also cannot accept him for what he is right now, which is a chronically depressed negative guy who has very low self-esteem and deep rooted emotional issues, and he also has Bioplar 2 which he stopped taking medicine for 7 months ago. He chooses not to do anything about these things. He thinks life dealt him a crappy hand and so this is just the way life is, and by default I'm supposed to accept that too. 

He is chronically viewing me with the attitude that no matter what I do, he thinks he works harder, he takes better care of things, he's more tired, he's taking an online course, blah blah blah, and I don't appreciate him or support him enough. Nothing I do or have done ever makes him stop and say, hey, you've done way more than a wife should have to do (and I have), and I appreciate you. No, it's just him pointing out what I haven't done, what I should've done, how I let him down in some way. I've tried to explain that to him before, that I feel like I'm constantly disappointing him or letting him down. He denies feeling that way, but his actions say otherwise. 

So, no amount of talking seems to make a dent in getting him to understand how serious the problem is. Perhaps the only other thing I could do short of divorce is telling him I'm separating from him to give him a chance to work on himself without leaning on me. The problem is that he probably would shape up and try to make some changes, but it's all reactive to his horrible fear of losing me. He won't change things for the sake of being a better person or having a better marriage. It'll just be done out of fear, and as soon as I let my guard down, he'll revert back to his old comfortable ways again.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I am sorry you are to this place...it is a very painful place to be. Good luck, however you handle things.

Only thing I can say about my own divorce is when I was at the place you are in, I found out very quickly that everyone involved does, in fact, survive (and possibly even thrive) afterwards, even though in the moment it feels like a death sentence.


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## Ellen Steve (Jan 23, 2013)

I’m sorry you’re going through this situation, but I applaud you for taking the necessary steps to first try and fix your marriage, then to come to the firm decision of needing to move on with your life in order to provide him with the needed time to focus on his own mental health. It’s hard, I know, but I applaud you. The first thing, before having a conversation, is taking the necessary steps to list all of your financial accounts (shared and individual) and assets. No matter how you each handle the divorce, it can get messy so it’s good to keep track of everything that is out there. As for telling him about the divorce, clearly you’ll want to do it when there isn’t anything else going on that can be distracting (life or financial matter) so that you can focus on the issue at hand. Have a list of your reasons as well as things to say when he tries to argue each of them. Try not to get yourself caught up in a heated debate and try to stay as calm as possible, this may cue him to how he argues his side. Save My Marriage


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I was in America receiving medical care. My husband came to visit me. We went to bed. It was dark in the room and he had his back to me and said "I want a divorce. I don't love you and have not loved you for a long time. Take me to the airport". Living overseas, he managed to legally keep me out of our home, keep all the belongings, ignore all communication, and refuse a divorce. I think it is safe to say the "I want a divorce" conversation did not go well for me.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> So, no amount of talking seems to make a dent in getting him to understand how serious the problem is. Perhaps the only other thing I could do short of divorce is telling him I'm separating from him to give him a chance to work on himself without leaning on me. The problem is that he probably would shape up and try to make some changes, but it's all reactive to his horrible fear of losing me. He won't change things for the sake of being a better person or having a better marriage. It'll just be done out of fear, and as soon as I let my guard down, he'll revert back to his old comfortable ways again.


This is about where I am at. Back around Christmas I told my wife I was moving in with a friend. I said something like she doesn't love me, or show me or makes me feel like she does. blah blah, blah....I felt like a needy little twit... She did change a little. I think it's just a band-aid. Now I am on a She doesn't say I love You Rant... She is doing better out of fear I will leave. I don't want her to change because of my threat. After 21 years together, I think I would separate first. For me anyway. I can tell this may be harder on you than your husband.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Oh Waking....I still don't think you are ready yet.....or you would have left.

Really dear, what is stopping you from telling him? What are you afraid of?

Getting a divorce after a long marriage such as yours, is a HUGE life-altering decision. You have to PLAN for it.

Do you have a plan for life-after-divorce? Where you will live, how much money you will have, how you will fill up your time, etc.?

You also think he will change if you leave him into somebody you could love again but you think it won't last however it "could" last...you don't really know.

I divorced after a long marriage (22 yrs.). I thought I was married to the most horrible man in the whole world but what I found out being single & dating, is that I resented the Hell out of my ex husband so much, that all of his good qualities were a blur.

Limbo is Hell. Maybe table getting a divorce for awhile until you are really ready to start a new life for yourself.


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Just wondering, Waking Up To Life, if there is an update?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Red2 said:


> Just wondering, Waking Up To Life, if there is an update?


I took some of the advice here as well as my therapist's, and slowed down to make a better plan for leaving. I consulted an attorney who gave me the basic ins and outs of how it all works, what to expect, etc. I've found a nice apartment that I really like and did my homework on how all that works. The apartment will be ready as soon as mid May...all I need to do is pay the deposit and submit the application and it's mine. The apartment is within my sons school district, so regardless of whether he's with me or H, he can still ride the bus to school. 

I'm getting a bonus check from work this week, which won't be direct-deposited into our joint checking account. With that, I can pay the apartment deposit and start my own checking account. Once I do that, I will change my paycheck deposit to my new account. My lawyer said I should withdraw half of what's in our savings account and hold on to it. Obviously since these are joint accounts, I can't do this without my H knowing. So...when I do the money changeover, I will have to tell my H pretty much right away.

And that is the part I am dreading to no end. As much as I'm hurt by past behaviors and his treatment of me, I hate the idea that doing this for myself will cause so much pain to my H. He won't understand. He will beg and plead and tell me I'm all he has and that his worst fear in life is to be alone. But...nothing is better in our marriage compared to several months ago. Except maybe he's even better at burying his head in the sand about our problems and trying to make me do the same. 

So...if all goes as planned, things are going to get very crazy in my life in the next few weeks. But I finally feel like I'm ready to move forward with my life...I'm ready to get the hell out of this damned trailer I've been wanting to move away from for the past 15 years...I'm ready to start looking forward to things in life and actually having fun instead of wallowing in the misery of my H's chronic depression and negativity. I'm ready to have ME back.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> This is what causes me such a dilemma. He knows I'm unhappy enough to ask him to go to MC. He has gone twice, both times he became an emotional wreck afterwards, out of proportion to what was discussed. He is SO sensitive to anything he percieves as criticism, he either puts a wall up and tries to redirect the criticism to me, or he becomes fragile like a 4 year old, saying I'm his everything and he doesn't want me to leave him and I'm all he has. In my attemps to try to talk to him about things that bother me, he somehow ends up making the conversation all about him, how he feels, how it affects him, so sad it makes him, how scared he is of being alone...then I end up clamming up again.
> 
> I have to be honest and say that I have not to this point ever threatened divorce, so maybe I'm jumping the gun. But...as I discussed with my therapist, the issue is that I cannot change him. I also cannot accept him for what he is right now, which is a chronically depressed negative guy who has very low self-esteem and deep rooted emotional issues, and he also has Bioplar 2 which he stopped taking medicine for 7 months ago. He chooses not to do anything about these things. He thinks life dealt him a crappy hand and so this is just the way life is, and by default I'm supposed to accept that too.
> 
> ...


What is it you actually want? What changes do you need from him?
Do you love him or not?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It isn't easy to detach from a very clingy spouse but when you do you feel a burden lift because, finally, you don't feel totally responsible for his life and for his happiness.

So focus on you. And be strong.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sounds like you're taking care of things in an orderly way, so that will help with the transition. Once you can see how things will pan out for the first few months (rent, bills, banking, etc.), it will help you feel better about your decisions. You're doing fine, WUTL. One step at a time is how it's done. You're looking out for you and for your son and you'll get MORE CONFIDENT in your decision-making as time goes by.

Your son should be your primary focus...make sure HE is comfortable with his choice AND make sure he knows he can change his mind and move in with the other parent. 

But, I would insure he understands he only gets ONE residential change. You don't want him living with Dad til they have an argument, then he moves in with Mom, until they have an argument, then he moves back with Dad until another disagreement, etc. He'll just be playing you against each other (IF he has this type of personality...may not even be applicable to your son.)

Your STBXH will go through a LOT or emotional changes. He will UNDOUBTEDLY become EXTREMELY ANGRY with you. He may want to make all kinds of promises of changed behavior (but you know he WON'T change because past behavior has PROVEN this), may try to woo you with dinners/gifts, etc. But, then you'd have to ask yourself *WHY* he didn't do this all along when it's obvious he KNOWS what you wanted, he is capable of doing it, he just hasn't chosen to do it because it didnt' benefit HIM.

If you haven't read "Who's Pulling Your Strings", get it NOW and get into it...reading for SUBSTANCE, not 'hurry up and hit the high points'. 

Also, you should be back into "Codependent No More" and work it like a workbook. Your STBXH is manipulative, so the more info you have on that, the better off you will be.

By the way, Google "divorcing a narcissist" and you should get an idea of WHAT you're in for (worst-case scenario). You should be PREPARED for the worst; if it happens, you won't be blind-sided. If it DOESN'T happen, you'll have knowledge you didn't need.

*hugs*


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Thank you for the update. I have been following your story from the beginning.


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