# Separation/ Mental illness



## Gaya (8 mo ago)

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 22 years, we have two children together. We come from different backgrounds. We’re Europeans, he’s white and I am not. We have different religious backgrounds too. My family are immigrants. I was bullied and beaten up for being brown since kindergarten, sometimes by teachers as was common back then. But school still saved me as I was able to get good grades.
Anyway, I ended up graduating from a similar program as did my now husband. We both worked in finance. Although I was making more money than him to start with, his family always saw me as less than and a gold digger. (Yet, they are not rich, but affluent). They also always resented that I was not white. For them I was always dirt.
We moved to a different country where I didn’t experience racism anymore. Whenever we met with his family, they would say overt racist things to my face, in front of my husband but he never spoke. It was as if he didn’t hear anything. I tried to be calm but sometimes, I shot back. When I asked him, why did you keep quiet, he’d say: it was such an ignorant thing to say, he wouldn’t dignify if with an answer. But I think his family saw it as a license to up the ante. They called my parents’ country “uncivilized”. They said it was sad blue eyes would not be passed down. And they said all this, while I wined and dined them inside our house. He never said a thing until one day, I was pregnant and things got too far. His parents were going through divorce and his mother told him his father never loved him. I said it was not true. I told my husband he was loved even though his dad was far from perfect. I was told to shut up and then received a torrent of racial abuse by email from his family. He told them they were out of line. 
Then I got sick. Really sick. I had a very high fever and two babies under two. We had no family around, it was night and I asked him to call a taxi and take me to the ER. He refused. I begged and he laughed that I was being a drama queen and went to bed. To cut a long story short, I took myself to the ER the next day and was in and out of hospitals for months. It was not the first time he ignored me when I was unwell but it was the first time there were big consequences.
I have noticed before that he participated with cleaning at home, he was very responsible. When I became a stay at home mother, he took all the financial responsibility. But he always looked miserable, and was only nice when he wanted sex. As my health issues worsened and I had to take chemo, intimacy became harder for me. I also started to feel really disconnected from him.
He lost his job, his mother passed and he became more and more withdrawn but as demanding w intimacy. I tried to put up with it thinking he was going through a hard time.
We moved countries where I had no friends and things became even worse. He was completely disconnected, always complained despite our now comfortable expat lifestyle. I felt alone in the world. I asked for a divorce but I was also anxious as by now, I had no career, I had become financially dependent and was struggling with depression and physical health issues.
We managed to patch things up. He said he would change. And he did, a little bit. But it’s been four years and we are back to square one. His brother told me in front of him that I was a lower class than him. He said nothing. I do a lot at home, with the children and because of my health issues, the children had to stay home during the pandemic (I’m immunocompromised). He’s a neat freak. And when he would come home, he wouldn’t see all the work I had done, just trying to help two children and keep our head above water. He would only see the dirty kitchen worktop (cooking and art class) and complain that we had no help (we have a cleaning lady). He was as demanding as ever in the bedroom, despite my health issues. One child got diagnosed with a rare illness. I had to take my child to the ER as the child was getting so dehydrated. My husband discouraged me. I had to defy him to go to the hospital. The people who supported me were people from school who said dehydration is very dangerous and it was the right thing to do.
Now we are all out and about, the illnesses under control, but the child needs more care to make sure there is no other attack. My husband, who can afford this FDA approved treatment started arguing that perhaps it was unnecessary. And it floored me. It floored me that we can book expensive holiday but argue over medical care for a child that has been so sick.
Then, day to day life. He is still miserable at home, but smiles and talks to colleagues normally. I am having therapy and realizing it’s unsustainable for me. I am so unhappy in my marriage. Everything is a fight. I think it is also affecting my health. So I told him I want a separation. I have asked him many times to see a therapist before but he never saw it as a priority.
he has left the house and is now starting to see a therapist who told him he has issues with empathy. Something about the wiring of his brain. He is devastated about the separation. As I am. But I became suicidal during Covid stuck with him. He apologised about his behaviour but he can’t stop himself. In hindsight he says he doesn’t understand why he did what he did. Why he tried to discourage me from seeking medical attention etc. But when I need him most, he is simply not there. He is also often the only adult I speak to all day, and he is not interested in holding a conversation and answers the children and me in a sharp tone as if we are all chores.
It is terrifying for me to separate now, thousands of miles away from my family, but I feel alone with him anyway and I can’t face another 20 years of this. I was wondering if anyone ever heard of a deficiency in empathy and if it’s something that can be remedied. I mean, I’m wondering, can someone grow a heart? He says he loves us but his behavior is completely off. He was apparently totally blindsided and thought we were happy (!!!). He said he was and he was just being a little grumpy. But for me, it’s a knife in the heart every day. It’s torture.
Thank you for reading.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through so many difficulties with your health and your husband. Has he ever been evaluated for Asperger’s syndrome? One of the symptoms is an inability to understand other’s emotions.


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## Gaya (8 mo ago)

Thank you for your comment. He hasn’t but he has another appointment with the same therapist next week. I know he doesn’t do it all on purpose. He accidentally ignores people at times. A stranger giving us directions shouted at him for that. My husband was shocked and I told him, but he tried to help and you totally blanked him and turned your back on him instead of saying thank you audibly or nodding.


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## Gaya (8 mo ago)

blahfridge said:


> I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through so many difficulties with your health and your husband. Has he ever been evaluated for Asperger’s syndrome? One of the symptoms is an inability to understand other’s emotions.


I forgot to mention that his therapist told him during the first appt that he thinks he has a problem with feeling empathy. The therapist was nice to him, positive even and said it’s something that can be helped with some work. But I don’t know. I had never heard of empathy deficiency before. I read that you can have sympathy without being able to empathize. So it’s difficult for him to put himself in someone else’s shoes.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Wow When the therapist talks about lack of empathy that seems to hit the nail on the head. How awful for you. I'm a very empathetic person almost to a fault; I get caught up in other's pain. I couldn't live with somebody so disconnected who didn't even try to fake it by doing the right things that he should understand intellectually, even if he didn't emotionally understand why he was doing them. 

I don't usually advocate divorce or separation but his neglect is putting you & your child in danger. Talk to a lawyer about your rights. Figure out the finances, at least on paper. Find some support groups. There has to be a niche for other parents of whatever your child has been diagnosed with. Rely on your faith; if you are not a person of faith consider finding some. You may be surprised at how much that helps. If you want to save your marriage maybe drag your husband to church too.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

In your pursuit of trying to understand why he could have possibly behaved the way he has, don’t lose track of the fact he indeed behaved that way, behaves that way.

Seeking to understand won’t necessary get you meaningful answers. And the answers you may find are not guaranteed to be accurate, just a guess. Whatever they are, they are NOT an obligation to forget, forgive, or stop requiring better for yourself from the one who is supposed to be the one who cares most for you in this world besides yourself.

Seeking to understand him is useful, only if you can guard against the pitfalls of doing so and can use the result to further protect and enhance your life.

This is your life. It is yours to treasure, protect and enjoy. His behavior is either compatible with that or not. Honor yourself by seeing that accurately.


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## Gaya (8 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Wow When the therapist talks about lack of empathy that seems to hit the nail on the head. How awful for you. I'm a very empathetic person almost to a fault; I get caught up in other's pain. I couldn't live with somebody so disconnected who didn't even try to fake it by doing the right things that he should understand intellectually, even if he didn't emotionally understand why he was doing them.
> 
> I don't usually advocate divorce or separation but his neglect is putting you & your child in danger. Talk to a lawyer about your rights. Figure out the finances, at least on paper. Find some support groups. There has to be a niche for other parents of whatever your child has been diagnosed with. Rely on your faith; if you are not a person of faith consider finding some. You may be surprised at how much that helps. If you want to save your marriage maybe drag your husband to church too.


I just bought a book called “Prince Charming isn’t coming” about regaining control of finances (which is ironic as I was in investment banking). I’m going to try and catch up on all the paperwork, which he almost exclusively handles himself. I finished writing a book and want to sell it. I have a spiritual life, I practice gratitude, I’m even grateful for my illness because it has made me a more understanding person, more patient and grateful for things I took for granted, like being able to walk pain free. My husband doesn’t have that. I know his parents sporadically took him to church, but I didn’t witness much in terms of talking about it, giving alms, etc. I think, it is possible that being born into privilege has blinded him to how much he actually has. It is a strange thing, because even in sickness, we have health insurance, a roof over our heads, a kind nurse, food. But I can’t force him to be religious. The children are conscious of what they have. They have witnessed extreme poverty in other countries. They started doing volunteering for charities.


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## Gaya (8 mo ago)

PieceOfSky said:


> In your pursuit of trying to understand why he could have possibly behaved the way he has, don’t lose track of the fact he indeed behaved that way, behaves that way.
> 
> Seeking to understand won’t necessary get you meaningful answers. And the answers you may find are not guaranteed to be accurate, just a guess. Whatever they are, they are NOT an obligation to forget, forgive, or stop requiring better for yourself from the one who is supposed to be the one who cares most for you in this world besides yourself.
> 
> ...


This is what I am starting to feel. Thank you for the validation (brought tears to my eyes). I know protecting myself, emotional well-being is the right thing to do, and yet, I feel guilty, like I am abandoning him. I know this marriage is unsustainable and I dream of seeing life in color again. I want to live in peace, even if it’s alone. I am also haunted by the let downs and baffled by his behavior. He cries and tells me he adores me yet behaved appallingly. It’s so contradictory. Today, I admitted to my mother how he refused to take me to the hospital. She said that she didn’t know. She hadn’t realised and for the first time she said she understands and stopped trying to persuade me to stay married. She said she would try and visit more and help, mostly for moral support. But transatlantic tickets are expensive. It’s a relief being without him, that he is finally getting therapy, that can help him be a better father. I’m just anxious about the future. Most of my support system is in Europe but the children love their schools here, so I can’t uproot them. Also, the best doctors for my daughter are here. I have to stay and find a way to be OK


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