# My toxic friend.



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

We are 3 close girl-friends. We share every secret with each other.

One is engaged and the other one is just in a relationship, but doesn't remember when was the last time she was single because she's good "friends" with "infidelity". 

She cheated on her EX-BF (of 3 years) with her _current_ BF (of 1 year) and now she's cheating on the _current_ BF with the EX-BF. 
The EX-BF is a friend of mine, too and he's recently dating another girl but he's not serious about her while on the other hand he's seeing my friend [secretly].

I have never supported them regarding their cheating behavior, especially my girl-friend whom I consider a serial cheater. 
On a side note, she also cheated on another Ex with the EX-BF. 
So, once she gets in a new relationship she cheates on any current BF with the previous one until she detaches from the latter, completely. 

I've always let her know that what she's done/still doing is wrong, she knows it but can't help it.
I've covered up for her many times and will keep on doing so as long as she's in my friend-zone but I don't know how far I'll have to go.

I kind of feel sorry for her current BF because he seems to be a good guy. He knows she has lied to him many times and he's gone weeks without talking to her for this reason, yet he forgives her.

I'm tired of covering up for her and her cheating behavior *but I don't know how to tell her I don't want to help her in that direction anymore.*She will consider me as a traitor and will probably be disappointed in me. 
If I don't cover up for her she won't consider me a close friend anymore and I will feel left outside of this close friendship made of 3. 

You may all wonder if it's any worth keeping this friend at all..
Well...she's always been good to me and when we go out we have fun and we generally get along very well. 
The 3 of us become funny when we get together and always have a blast. We have our inside jokes and the sense of humor that nobody understands better than us. Thus, I'm not ready to let go of this friendship yet.

I just don't know how to avoid her cover up stories. 
Should I send her current BF a link to this website from an anonymous email address? 
But how do I do this to my friend?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I'm tired of covering up for her and her cheating behavior *but I don't know how to tell her I don't want to help her in that direction anymore.*


Just tell her point blank: 

_"We've been friends for a long time and I want to tell you something: As you know, I am not ok with cheating in any form. I will not cover up for you any longer cause I don't like being put in this position. It isn't fair to me or anyone else. Do not ask me to paticipate in this further."_

Boundaries, baby! State yours.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think you need to re-evaluate what a friendship is

friends are more than just someone you get along and have fun with and have inside jokes, etc

friends are people you can rely on, be able to trust and expect that they don't abuse your generosity or compromise your standards

this friend is pushing you into doing things you clearly aren't comfortable doing, I question if she is someone I would keep as a friend from my personal viewpoint. I would state that you have different set of moral code when it comes to honesty and dating and fidelity and that you are not comfortable covering for her or lying for for her, etc. and that while you value her friendship and would like to remain friends you cannot cross those lines for her. If she balks or cuts you off for being up front with her like that then well...I guess she isn't that good of a friend in the first place


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lovely, I found the perfect article with re: to what you are going through:

Carolyn Hax Tackles An Ethics Classic | Ethics Alarms

_“… say something akin to: 

“I’ve heard this is happening, which means others have, too. I want no part of this — I don’t even want to know what I already know. If [your SO] asks me something, I won’t lie. As someone who stands to lose friends in this mess, I hope you’ll clean it up.” 

Then butt out, knowing that if someone forces your hand, your next move has been declared in advance — and if your friend finds out that you knew, you can say: “I’m sorry. I did what I felt I could.”_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Just tell her point blank:
> 
> _"We've been friends for a long time and I want to tell you something: As you know, I am not ok with cheating in any form. I will not cover up for you any longer cause I don't like being put in this position. It isn't fair to me or anyone else."_
> 
> Boundaries, baby! State yours.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lovelygirl, I have been in that position. It isn't fun. The simple answer is to not cover for her anymore. Just tell her the truth, that you don't thin it's right and you won't be a part of it anymore.

My so-called friend was one who use my sister, another friend, and me to see her now-bf. She was married. She painted this horrible picture of her now-ex-husband, but I learned shortly thereafter that she was lying to everyone. I lied to this man's face when he asked me, point blank, if I knew anything. He learned the truth and it nearly cost us his friendship. My husband knew none of this. I came clean to him as well. And I vowed that I would never get into this predicament again. I refuse to lie to anyone anymore. It's not worth it, IMO. 

Lovelygirl, you have seen how many lives get wrecked by this behavior. Ultimately, the decision is yours.... but really, by covering, you are telling her that you condone it. Is that the message you really want to send? I know it's hard to lose a friend. But really, what kind of friend is she REALLY to ask you to do this for her? 

To avoid her cover up stories... tell her you will NOT lie for her anymore, plain and simple. I think the current BF deserves to know, whether you tell him in person or anonymously. He still has a right to know the kind of person he is seeing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sometimes it good to just keep your distance and let the relationship fade as you continue to stop returning calls, and make excuse after excuse for the distance.

Or.

Face her head on a make it clear you can no longer tolorate her behavior and will no long be returning your phone calls.

The later always seem to alienate your self from not only your TF but others who share the same moreless behavior. And that could be a good thing!

You are not being a traitor, even if TF thinks so, You are just looking for healthier relationships.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Our friends are a reflection of our character. Good friends keep us honest, make us better.


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## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

I think that you should have more faith inn the strength of your friendship. A lot of people fear telling their friends when they are discontented with something for fear of the friendship ending. If you have a solid friendship, you should be able to set those boundaries and have that person respect them. They may not like it at first, but if they truly care about you, they will adhere to them.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Just tell her that her values are not in sync with yours and you wish her well

I have bailed friends out of jail, held their heads up over the john, loaned them money, driven them to AA meetings but I will not tolorate abuse, cheating or mistreatment of kids. Those are all deal breakers on friendships for me


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> We are 3 close girl-friends. We share every secret with each other.
> 
> One is engaged and the other one is just in a relationship, but doesn't remember when was the last time she was single because she's good "friends" with "infidelity".
> 
> ...


I know as I got older I became less tolerant of this type of behavior in my friends. I don't know if my morals got better or what but at this point in my life I just couldn't take the heavy heart associated with being friends with a woman such as that.

You talk about what a good friend she is, I get that. But what about your other friend she is cheating on? The man you describe as "a good guy". I noticed you did not describe her as such.

Should your actions align with the "good guy" on this one? How could you do that to your cheating friend? It seems to me that you have become a great "cover" for her unkind ways. Do you think she would pass by your husband if the opportunity arose? (Don't be so sure!)

I would simply tell your cheating friend the truth: I am your friend to the end but I can no longer cover for you or hear about your cheating ways. I can no longer sit by and watch what you are doing to the good guy". He is my friend too and deserves more. If you don't break it off with him and stay away from him...I will break it for you.

In addition, what kind of friend are you? What kind of friend condones such destructive behavior so she doesn't lose a "fun group"? Friends don't let other friends ruin their lives and other people's lives. Maybe what your friend needs isn't a party partner but someone who will actual help her, push her, to overcome behavior that is as destructive to her as it is to her "victims".

I have a deep and profound belief in "what goes around, comes around". You are dealing with karmic dynamite on this one especially in regards to the "good guy"!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I've always let her know that what she's done/still doing is wrong, she knows it but can't help it.


Yes, she can help it. She can take responsibility for her choices and actions, and for the way she treats men. And for the way she treats you - asking you to cover for her is not the action of a good and caring friend.

If you don't want to end the friendship, then, as her friend, I'd think you would want to try to help her with her issues. Tell her that you hate seeing her messing up her life and her relationships, and that she will always remain unhappy until she finds a way to take responsibility for her life and make better, healthier choices. Tell her you want to help her - that you can't stand by and watch her destroy her life. Tell her to seek counseling so she can get to the root of her issues and resolve them. 

I got lost in all the Ex-BF's...does she keep going back to the same guy, either to date or cheat with? It might be that he is "the one" in her head, but they can't manage to get their relationship on the right track.


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

Funny that you post this since I'm the exact predicament... With the exception that I'm a male friend of a woman who's been cheating on her spouse for a year with one of his best friends. The spouse is a good guy, works hard and is always there. I've been her only confident on the subject and it's been making me feel like **** since she recently decided to pursue the A after deciding to drop the SOB last month.

It's no ifs and buts with me.... She will be (friend) dumped this week and I can't wait to get rid of all that crap energy out of me.

Remember that who you hang around with is who you become... In your case this woman is not only toxic but real poison.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I will reply to every one later as I don't have time now but for those who didn't get the picture:

EX-BF--> Let's call him "B" and he's my friend.
Current BF "C" - he's not my friend. All I know is that he seems like a good guy. I've met him twice only.

She cheated on "B" with "C" and now she's cheating on "C" with "B".

Before she was in a relationship with "B", she cheated on another EX "A" with "B". This happened many years ago.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I will reply to every one later as I don't have time now but for those who didn't get the picture:
> 
> EX-BF--> Let's call him "B" and he's my friend.
> Current BF "C" - he's not my friend. All I know is that he seems like a good guy. I've met him twice only.
> ...


So "B" is the common denominator, the one she can't get out of her head or her life even though they might not be able to make it work, for one reason or another. He's going to keep turning up, and her feelings for him will keep causing her to ruin her relationships. I believe if she and B get their heads out of their asses and face what their years-long relationship is about, they'll either make it work or not, but will resolve the cheating issues. They need to get off the pot and make some choices.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Our friends are a reflection of our character. Good friends keep us honest, make us better.


:iagree:

I have had conversations with my friends about things they are doing that I don't agree with. And ya know what? I say my piece, they listen and thats it. We move on, we are still friends, they know where I stand and what my actions would be towards that particular situation.

If I couldn't be that honest with my friends...well, then there really isn't a true friendship, is there? 

Toxic people are not worth the drama. You need boundaries with that friend and if she can't accept it...well...will you really be that upset to lose a "friend" like that?


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## ObjectOfAffection (Jul 12, 2012)

Sorry if I come off as harsh here - 

It's important to set your boundaries. If you are not comfortable covering for her, you should tell her. 

I understand you are afraid of losing your friends, but you need to ask yourself, "Is my friendship with X more important than my integrity?" 

Right now, you are the toxic friend to her relationship (and her "good guy") by being complicit in her cheating - is this the kind of person you want to be?

Talk to her, tell her your boundaries. You may lose her friendship, but the world is full of honest people to befriend.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

food for thought, if her BF was posting here we'd all tell him she has to lose the enabling and toxic friends- which would be you


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Falene said:


> In addition, what kind of friend are you? What kind of friend condones such destructive behavior so she doesn't lose a "fun group"?


Eh. She didn't say she condoned it. That is why she is seeking advivce here. 



Falene said:


> Friends don't let other friends ruin their lives and other people's lives. Maybe what your friend needs isn't a party partner but someone who will actual help her, push her, to overcome behavior that is as destructive to her as it is to her "victims".


The thing with this is that people are going to do what they want. Lovely is not responsible for her friends actions or whether or not her friend ruins her own life. That is all on her friend. 

Lovely cannot "help her/push her" or make her do anything. Sure, she can tell her how she feels on the matter and offer support or tell her to get out of her life, but ultimately it's up to her friend to stop (or continue) cheating. 



ilgitano said:


> Funny that you post this since I'm the exact predicament... With the exception that I'm a male friend of a woman who's been cheating on her spouse for a year with one of his best friends.


That guy isn't his "best" friend at all.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I was once living with my best friend, we were seriously like sisters.

She went through a phase where she became very promiscuous. In the middle of that phase one of her flings fell in love with her and proposed to her, unaware she was still sleeping with every tom, **** and harry on the nights she wasn't hanging out with him. She said yes to his proposal, and continued to cheat on him all the way to the alter. She'd take a night off of wedding planning to de-stress by hooking up with a random dude.

As things got progressively closer to wedding day, I couldn't hold my tongue anymore. Her fiancee was spending time at our house 3-4 nights a week, we developed a repoire with each other, and I would watch her being a random dude home the other half of the week when he wasn't at our house. 

I took her aside and told her - if you don't tell him what you have been doing, I will. She knew what she was doing was unexcusable.

I went to work. I came home and she was gone. All her things gone, she packed up and left in the middle of the day while I was at work. She never returned my calls after that day. We have never spoken a word since then. Our sisterhood was over.

And I didn't care one bit. 

I don't consider someone a friend if I am forced to keep secrets for them. I was on the path to marriage myself at the time (with my now H) and it has always been important to me to surround myself with people who have sound morals. She clearly was derailed from a moral path and unfortunately that meant I left her behind.

I would do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.

She did end up marrying the guy. I have no idea if she's still cheating on him or if she stopped. Once she left, I let her go and did not track them down to tell him the truth. I have always been a bit upset with myself over that. I can only hope he knows the truth and that she's changed.

You can wish someone the best but that doesn't mean you have to stand beside them on their path to self destruction.

Harsh, but I will stand alone in life before I bring a toxic friend into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> food for thought, if her BF was posting here we'd all tell him she has to lose the enabling and toxic friends- which would be you


Really? How does that make me a toxic friend? Sorry but I refuse to be called that way. 
I would be toxic if my intentions were others. Let's say.. If I helped her keep up with the affair or if I pushed her towards that.
Also, I don't know the guy almost at all, so to help him is not my business. She didnt introduce him to us for a whole year so I didnt really know who he was until a couple of weeks ago. I had only seen pictures of him. Sure, I feel sorry for him but I'm not choosing to hurt him on purpose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Sure, I feel sorry for him but I'm not choosing to hurt him on purpose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not the one hurting him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Really? How does that make me a toxic friend? Sorry but I refuse to be called that way.
> I would be toxic if my intentions were others. Let's say.. If I helped her keep up with the affair or if I pushed her towards that.
> Also, I don't know the guy almost at all, so to help him is not my business. She didnt introduce him to us for a whole year so I didnt really know who he was until a couple of weeks ago. I had only seen pictures of him. Sure, I feel sorry for him but I'm not choosing to hurt him on purpose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you said yourself that you cover for her



lovelygirl said:


> I've covered up for her many times and will keep on doing so as long as she's in my friend-zone



like I said, if a BS comes on here and states that his/her WS has friends that have covered and lied for him/her then we'd all say to get rid of that friend. 

I'm not going to be harsh on you because I know you are a good poster and good person, but please don't tell me you don't see this.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Your man could end up on her list as well


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Just tell her point blank:
> 
> _"We've been friends for a long time and I want to tell you something: As you know, I am not ok with cheating in any form. I will not cover up for you any longer cause I don't like being put in this position. It isn't fair to me or anyone else. Do not ask me to paticipate in this further."_
> 
> Boundaries, baby! State yours.


Yes. That's what I'll try to tell her and the article was very helpful.
Should I wait to tell her next time she asks me to cover up for her or bring it up in the conversation just randomly?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I say sit her down and tell her in a serious manner, especially if its REALLY starting to bother you. Don't wait. Don't do random either...do a serious, heart to heart friend to friend conversation. 

Random 'oh hey btw I hate that you put me in this position....' won't drive the point home as much as a well thought out, one on one serious conversation with her.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> friends are more than just someone you get along and have fun with and have inside jokes, etc


You're more than right. Friendship is not all about having fun. I mentioned the fun part as something that is very noticeable and something that I've never had in any other friendship so far. It's my favorite part of this frienship but obviously this should not be the only and one part where a friendship should be based on.




> friends are people you can rely on, be able to trust and expect that they don't abuse your generosity or compromise your standards


That's what I've been thinking about lately.
I was put in a position where I had to compromise my morals and the way I was brought up. I tried to put myself in her current BF's shoes and I wouldn't want my BF's friend to cover up for him. That would be a double betrayal.



> this friend is pushing you into doing things you clearly aren't comfortable doing, I question if she is someone I would keep as a friend from my personal viewpoint. I would state that you have different set of moral code when it comes to honesty and dating and fidelity and that you are not comfortable covering for her or lying for for her, etc. and that while you value her friendship and would like to remain friends you cannot cross those lines for her. If she balks or cuts you off for being up front with her like that then well...I guess she isn't that good of a friend in the first place


I've been keeping this friendship with ther because of the fun that she brings. Most of my other friends are boring but they have differet values, at least a lot more values than her so it's like a balance I try to keep with this friend and other friends.
Let's just say I have different categories of friends.
Those who I call and get out to have fun with and other who I hang out or talk about more serious stuff. 

But you make good points!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> My so-called friend was one who use my sister, another friend, and me to see her now-bf.


Right. I don't want to be used anymore. She's using me.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> Sometimes it good to just keep your distance and let the relationship fade as you continue to stop returning calls, and make excuse after excuse for the distance.
> 
> Or.
> 
> ...


Yeah, the latter is better, up-front and more honest.
After a 5 year friendship I can't keep the distance all of a sudden and make excuses. 
For all this time that we've been together I owe this friendship some honesty. I mean MORE honesty ...because I've always been honest with her.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Falene said:


> I
> You talk about what a good friend she is, I get that. But what about your other friend she is cheating on? The man you describe as "a good guy". I noticed you did not describe her as such.


The guy she is cheating on is not my friend. 
He EX-BF is my friend.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

How do your other friends feel about her cheating? 

if they feel the same way, maybe all of you should confront her, intervention style, so it wouldn't fall solely on you?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ilgitano said:


> Remember that who you hang around with is who you become... In your case this woman is not only toxic but real poison.


Yeah, I don't want her to give me the negative energy and surely I don't want to act like her.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

norajane said:


> So "B" is the common denominator, the one she can't get out of her head or her life even though they might not be able to make it work, for one reason or another. He's going to keep turning up, and her feelings for him will keep causing her to ruin her relationships. I believe if she and B get their heads out of their asses and face what their years-long relationship is about, they'll either make it work or not, but will resolve the cheating issues. They need to get off the pot and make some choices.


Yes. "B" is the one she lost her head over.
Now, "B" is dating someone else but it's taking it easy. He was hurt by my friend's betrayal and doesn't want to get back with her for a while.
My friend is waiting for "B" to break up with his date so that she (my friend) can break up from her current BF. 
In other words, my friend's current relationship depends on her EX-BF's current date. When "B" feels it's the time to get back with my friend, she will dump her now-BF. That's what she says. 

I told her she needs to break up from her BF to reflect and stay single. She doesn't need to be in a relationship right now but she says she's afraid to be alone.
Keep in mind that she's 25 years old. She's not even a teenager but she behaves like one.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ObjectOfAffection said:


> Right now, you are the toxic friend to her relationship (and her "good guy") by being complicit in her cheating - is this the kind of person you want to be?


Yeah. I'm afraid so. Without realizing I'm becoming toxic to her current relationship.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I was once living with my best friend, we were seriously like sisters.
> 
> She went through a phase where she became very promiscuous. In the middle of that phase one of her flings fell in love with her and proposed to her, unaware she was still sleeping with every tom, **** and harry on the nights she wasn't hanging out with him. She said yes to his proposal, and continued to cheat on him all the way to the alter. She'd take a night off of wedding planning to de-stress by hooking up with a random dude.
> 
> ...


Wow. What a story!! I hope I never find myself in this position. It must've been terrible for you.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> like I said, if a BS comes on here and states that his/her WS has friends that have covered and lied for him/her then we'd all say to get rid of that friend.


But her BF doesn't know I cover up for her. Her BF knows about her lies and her uncovered traces of her past infidelities. 
Her lies were about hidden email accounts, times when she meets with her EX and so on. 
I have not been part of these lies. The only lies I've been part of is when she's been out with her EX while she used to tell her BF she was out with me and the other friend. 



> but please don't tell me you don't see this.


I didn't know I suddenly became toxic to this realtionship. It went beyond my attention and cold-thinking.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Complexity said:


> How do your other friends feel about her cheating?
> 
> if they feel the same way, maybe all of you should confront her, intervention style, so it wouldn't fall solely on you?


Other friends don't know about her cheating.
Only the 3 of us know about her cheating. [Including the other girl who's engaged - that I mentioned in my opening post.] This other girl is 28 years old. She doesn't agree with cheating but she's more like "It's her life and her business". She doesn't care much about my cheating friend. She just sees it as part of my friend's private life and doesn't interfere much.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can bring it up with her whenever you like. You could call her or wait til you're hanging out or wait or her to bring it up. It's up to you.
But I would def say something since it is making you uncomfortable.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You can bring it up with her whenever you like. You could call her or wait til you're hanging out or wait or her to bring it up. It's up to you.
> But I would def say something since it is making you uncomfortable.


I will definitely try to talk to her tomorrow. I will bring it up almost randomly. Will ask her about her current and ex BF. If she met him... and will tell her that I think it's time to make bounderies clear and let her know that I feel used and not comfortable with how she wanted me to cover up for her.
I'll tell her I understand she wants to keep them both and she can if she wants to, but I don't want to be part of this mess. 
She knows how I feel about her cheating but I can't stop her from cheating. All I can do is be honest and speak my mind. The rest is up to her. 
I don't want to be put in the position where I have to lie for now reason. She can make up other excuses for her BF as long as I'm not part of those excuses.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> The only lies I've been part of is when she's been out with her EX while she used to tell her BF she was out with me and the other friend.


you should also mention to her "I am not ok with this" (being used as a cover)

 sorry about this situation, alot of drama going on here


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I've covered up for her many times and will keep on doing so as long as she's in my friend-zone but I don't know how far I'll have to go.


I would venture to say that guy who she is cheating on would look at you as the toxic friend. Don't be like that, you're better than that.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Quick Update: 
I went out with her last night. We had the talk. 
I told her how I've been feeling during all this time that I was her cover up friend and that I felt used.
I told her that it's up to her whether to cheat or not [although she knows my attitude towards it] but simply I don't want to cover up for her anymore and I regret doing it so far. It didn't feel right for a very long time now. I told her to deal with it herself.

Surprisingly, she understood my feelings. She knows what she's doing is wrong but at least she was supportive enough to promise me not to include me in her affair anymore.

Now I'm curious to know how she will handle her affair from now on.
Obviously she will not get out of it but that is not my business from now on. If she doesn't care about saving her relationship then who will care? 

Thank you guys for your help. You advice here was very appreciated. You opened up my eyes as I didn't realize I was being toxic to their relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I've been keeping this friendship with ther because of the fun that she brings. Most of my other friends are boring but they have differet values, at least a lot more values than her so it's like a balance I try to keep with this friend and other friends.
> Let's just say I have different categories of friends.
> Those who I call and get out to have fun with and other who I hang out or talk about more serious stuff.


This is also why these guys cheat with her too - she has very poor boundaries and will go there.

So far her value and behavior hasn't burned you - yet. You've seen how she treats her BFs and how she lies right to their face, and how she has her friends cover for her.

How do you know that isn't also happening to you, and like B and C you are clueless because no one is telling you.

People are funny - they'll see X lie to Y, but so long as X treats them like they are inside her circle they don't make the jump to realize if X lies to Y then will also lie to them.

Also you know it isn't that she can't help herself - it's that she chooses to have multiple overlapping partners who she keeps in the dark about who's other potential diseases they are sharing.

So that brings up the question about how she views other people - men and women. She so easily lies and plays selfish games, you go to wonder how she views the people that she's doing it too. Does she have any respect for them or value their friendship? Does she think they are honestly stupid and she's got the right to play with them?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why was lovelygirl banned?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

banhammer's been strong lately


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

@Jellybeans: Apparently I was arguing with a banned member in Tears' thread. I hadn't noticed that he was banned. 

Back on topic.



Shaggy said:


> This is also why these guys cheat with her too - she has very poor boundaries and will go there.
> 
> So far her value and behavior hasn't burned you - yet. You've seen how she treats her BFs and how she lies right to their face, and how she has her friends cover for her.
> 
> ...


You're right. She has the courage to lie to her BF's face and she can do the same with me and everyone else. It's not that I haven't thought about this. I have also caught her lie to my face one or two times so I'm well-aware of the fact that she's not an angel with me. 
I regret the times I had to cover up for her and at the same time it surprises me how she is not shameful of her blatant cheating. Actually, she brags about the fact that she's able to keep two guys at the same time. 

She definitely has insecurity issues.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you talked to her since, Lovely?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Have you talked to her since, Lovely?


I talked to her today, on the phone.
She hadn't called me since the day we had our talk. [Usually she used to call everyday]. I can tell she didn't really expect my open talk that day. I was the one who called her today but I could understand from the sound of her voice that she wasn't enthusiastic. I asked her what she has been up to. She replied with short answers. I didn't like this fact.
Then she asked me to go out tonight, but I said no. 

I'm thinking about diminishing the number of GNOs with her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She prob backed off because she mulled over what you said and knows her behavior is off-putting.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> She prob backed off because she mulled over what you said and knows her behavior is off-putting.


Or maybe since you aren't going to support her behavior anymore she is just going to avoid you...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You might lose her completely. Many cheaters isolate themself from ebvery one who don't support their behaviors, even without being confronted, even without any chance of those friends to know. Giveng you put your foot down on her...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Well one of my friend beats his wife and cheats on her regularly but when we hang out, he is a lot of fun.

And if she could do this to her SO, imagine what she could she do to you when you are in a relationship? 

And if you are covering up for her, you are a sh!tty person too!! No excuses


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> And if she could do this to her SO, imagine what she could she do to you when you are in a relationship?


Yeah. I have thought about that too. I don't think she'd have a problem taking my future- boyfriend/husband from me. 




> And if you are covering up for her, you are a sh!tty person too!! No excuses


I'm not even trying to excuse myself. I admit of my wrongdoing towards her current BF.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Lovely Girl, I usually enjoy your posts and insightful advice that you give. However, I'm surprised that you're having a problem with this so-called friend. A true friend would never put you in a position of having to lie for her.

Think about the following sayings:

If you lie down with pigs you're going to get dirty.

Birds of a feather flock together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I kind of feel sorry for her current BF because he seems to be a good guy.


But not THAT sorry for him, as you say you have helped your friend to cheat on him. (By covering for her.)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you think she'll try to steal your next SO...drop this betch completely.

Shoot. With friends like this, who needs enemas. err, enemies.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> A true friend would never put you in a position of having to lie for her.
> .


That's true! She thought so low of me that she put me in this position. Actually, I let her put me in that position.

But from now on she will have to dream about it cuz it ain't happening!! Not anymore!!



MattMatt said:


> But not THAT sorry for him, as you say you have helped your friend to cheat on him. (By covering for her.)


Now let us be frank here!!!
She was my FRIEND. OKAY? Why would I care about some random guy that she's dating? No matter what I helped her for. 
Again, she was my friend so instead of a random guy I'd choose to help my friend. How weird is that? I don't think it's THAT weird. 

Now, things/situations that I help her with will HAVE TO/MUST/SHOULD change from now on. I'm not going to put myself in the situation where I have to lie for her. Never again!

But as that_girl said, she's not worth being around me , anyway.


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