# Fair Warning?



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm putting this in the Clubhouse but it could have gone several places so anyone is feel free to chime in.

I'm divorced over 2 yrs and happily dating. I was dating a nice woman who seemed to be a potential long term partner. We'd been together....maybe three months. Sex was regular and enjoyable. Then one night she arrives at my door with a nice herpes sore on her lip. She says, "I can't kiss you tonight...I'm so pissed" I'm a little in shock and I'm thinking "you never told me you had herpes...I'm kinda pissed too" I hold my tongue and we have a nice night minus the lip to lip kissing. That said, I know that doesn't really protect me and that there is even asymptomatic transmission. After that evening my opinion of her changed a bit. Not that she has the virus but that she didn't bother to tell me prior to us being physical. I was also then faced three months in with the "do I like her enough to take a chance on getting it knowing that for some people the effects can be quite severe" For me the answer was "no". I don't want to start a war with this but is this so prevalent these days that no one bothers to give notice? Thoughts?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

HSV-1 is not HSV-2.

Google says over 90% of American adults have HSV-1.

My mother has HSV-1 and I have no idea if I may have it, because I have personally never had a cold sore on my lip. I could have gotten it from her if she kissed me, as mothers often kiss their kids. I just don't know. 

Maybe she didn't know until she got the cold sore.

It's up to you to decide how you feel about it, but maybe you should look at her other behaviors. Is she the kind of person who seems to want to keep things from you? She may not be thinking of this in the same way you are.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Perhaps you should presume everyone has got it: Why You Should Assume Everyone Has Herpes - wbur's Common Health


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Satya said:


> It's up to you to decide how you feel about it, but maybe you should look at her other behaviors. Is she the kind of person who seems to want to keep things from you? She may not be thinking of this in the same way you are.


She may have had cold sores since childhood and consequently may not even think of it as anything particularly significant either way except to say she won't kiss you when it comes up.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Satya said:


> HSV-1 is not HSV-2.
> 
> Google says over 90% of American adults have HSV-1.
> 
> ...


You get HSV-1 from snatching a kiss. You get HSV-2 from kissing a --- oh never mind.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Thound said:


> You get HSV-1 from snatching a kiss. You get HSV-2 from kissing a --- oh never mind.


Although it isn't at the same frequency that --- oh never mind, can also have HSV-1, just as one can also get HSV-2 when snatching a kiss.

HSV-1 & 2 can both present on the face and or genital region.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Satya said:


> My mother has HSV-1 and I have no idea if I may have it, because I have personally never had a cold sore on my lip. I could have gotten it from her if she kissed me, as mothers often kiss their kids. I just don't know.


Parents who know how cold sores are transmitted, have them, and kiss their kids anyway are self centered A-holes. My mom had them, and was VERY careful. Never sharing any drinks, silverware, kisses, etc. Symptoms or not, because there is a risk in the days leading up to a flair-up. She said she would be devastated to pass it on. 

Obviously my parents were not so cautious; but they managed to not infect my dad as far as he knows.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> Parents who know how cold sores are transmitted, have them, and kiss their kids anyway are self centered A-holes. My mom had them, and was VERY careful. Never sharing any drinks, silverware, kisses, etc. Symptoms or not, because there is a risk in the days leading up to a flair-up. She said she would be devastated to pass it on.
> 
> Obviously my parents were not so cautious; but they managed to not infect my dad as far as he knows.


The trouble is there are plenty of people who don't show any symptoms at all, yet infect people just the same.



> *World Health Organisation*
> 
> "HSV-1 is a highly contagious infection, which is common and endemic throughout the world. Most HSV-1 infections are acquired during childhood, and infection is lifelong."
> 
> "Oral herpes infection is mostly asymptomatic, and the majority of people with HSV-1 infection are unaware they are infected."





> *Why You Should Assume Everyone Has Herpes - wbur's Common Health*
> 
> "Last week, a pre-eminent researcher on the genital herpes virus, known as Herpes Simplex Virus 2 or HSV-2, published a landmark paper documenting the striking rate at which people with no herpes symptoms can nonetheless “shed virus,” potentially infecting partners.
> 
> ...


*Seroprevalence estimates for HSV-1*

Australia 1992-98 HSV-1 79-80%
Canada 1999 HSV-1 57%
UK – 1984-95 HSV-1 69-78%
USA – 1988-94 HSV-1 68%


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

HSV1 is very common, and unless the virus is shedding you won't catch it, likewise it won't go through skin of healthy people and animals, and doesn't survive long out side a damp medium (quite fragile). but micro-tears can be an issue. It's the flare up that makes the nerves react (hence the tingling)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

We had a friend who was dating a girl who knew she had herpes2. She would get hurt and incensed when he wouldn't be affectionate with her when she was showing symptoms. Yeah, that relationship fizzled out.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

Yah, if its HSV-1 I don't see the problem. As many have said, she has probably had it since childhood and thinks of it more as cold sores than anything else. My wife is HSV-1; it didn't matter when I met her, didn't matter when we were dating, doesn't matter now.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Parents who know how cold sores are transmitted, have them, and kiss their kids anyway are self centered A-holes. My mom had them, and was VERY careful. Never sharing any drinks, silverware, kisses, etc. Symptoms or not, because there is a risk in the days leading up to a flair-up. She said she would be devastated to pass it on.
> 
> Obviously my parents were not so cautious; but they managed to not infect my dad as far as he knows.


You're welcome to feel that way, I don't recall my mother kissing when she had them on purpose, she'd avoid doing it as well. What I was trying to express (and guess I did it poorly) was she would kiss me when I was little, regardless of the fact she had it and when not bearing the outward cold sores. My mother is brilliant, she knows and knew what she had. That's why I offered that the OP look at his gf's other behavior. 

I believe many people are uneducated about herpes in general. 

I read you can get hsv-1 by using a toothbrush. I'm not sure how realistic that is, but hsv-1 is going to be really hard to avoid altogether.

Shoto, if it really matters to you, which is clear, maybe have a conversation with your gf. A relationship is going to have its times for serious and Frank discussion. Maybe this should be one, and you can find out exactly what she does and doesn't know.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> Parents who know how cold sores are transmitted, have them, and kiss their kids anyway are self centered A-holes. My mom had them, and was VERY careful. Never sharing any drinks, silverware, kisses, etc. Symptoms or not, because there is a risk in the days leading up to a flair-up. She said she would be devastated to pass it on.
> 
> Obviously my parents were not so cautious; but they managed to not infect my dad as far as he knows.


My mum is not a selfish a-hole.


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