# New to group, need some advice



## Mrs Pacman

Hello, here to introduce myself and my problem. Up for advice or guidance.

I’m in my second marriage. My husband is the sweetest and nicest person I know, my best friend actually. I thought we had it all. I don’t expect sex to be as it was in the beginning, who could keep up with that, but now it almost never happens. I tell him how I feel and ask him what I need to do and he says nothing and that he will work on it. That never happens. I feel so awful sleeping next to this man and it may as well be sleeping next to my mother! I feel so dejected.
I told him it’s so bad, I would rather get divorced than feel like a best friend. I have many friends that I don’t have sex with, why do I need one more?

I just can’t explain more how I feel and how much we’ve talked about it only to end up feeling so alone. I’m sorry, I’m not dead, I need some sort of intimacy with the man I still love! They say Sometimes love isn’t enough. I want to be happy. I don’t know what to do really.


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## ccpowerslave

How did he react when you mentioned divorce? He must not believe you or he must not care, you need to find out which it is.

For men the advice is to get yourself into the best shape possible in all ways (physical and mental) in preparation to leave. Stop doing any behaviors that are not attractive. If he believes you will leave it might trigger something, it might not. Either way you’ll be in the best position you can be if you choose to leave.

Seems like it would work for HL women with a LL man as well but I only have the experience going the other way.


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## Hiner112

So many questions.

Does he give any indication what he means by "work on it"? Do you see any evidence that he actually is?

How old are we talking about? Is he in good physical shape? 
Does he have ED? Has he had his testosterone checked? 
Was there something you can put your finger on that changed the way he treated you or the way you interact?


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## Mrs Pacman

I tell him I want a divorce and he simply says “lwe are not getting divorced” PERIOD. Then he proceeds with his day being kind and acting like nothing is wrong. I want peace so I go along with it because what am I suppose to do , scream and yell I’m not happy? I’m happy with our life fine but then we go to bed. Night after night just that. Until I can’t take it anymore and I cry myself to sleep.
I approach him again about it and he says he will work on it.
I understand about not doing anything “unattractive “, I try to be everything I always was. I’m just stuck.


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## DownByTheRiver

I bet anything he has erectile dysfunction and doesn't want to talk about it. Seriously a whole lot of men don't even want to admit they have it and would even be embarrassed to go get it treated. 

So it seems like since you live with him you ought to be able to tell if he ever has morning wood and also if he's masturbating to porn, both of which might tell you that he at least functions part of the time. If he's not even masturbating, a very well may have ED. But even if he is watching p*** and masturbating he could just be doing it to see if he could get past his ED. 

Does he have depression or anything?


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## Mrs Pacman

Hiner112 said:


> So many questions.
> 
> Does he give any indication what he means by "work on it"? Do you see any evidence that he actually is?
> 
> How old are we talking about? Is he in good physical shape?
> Does he have ED? Has he had his testosterone checked?
> Was there something you can put your finger on that changed the way he treated you or the way you interact?


As far as working on it, I told him, if he’s tired I understand but even some kissing before bed, some kind of intimacy, will do. Some kind of nurturing for us as husband and wife, not just life partners.

He is 40, he did have testosterone checked, it was low, he got shots, I even gave him some. He has no ED, in fact if I’m playing with him, he gets one but absolutely does NOT act on it! Talk about rejection.
We are so good together as a couple, just this issue that he doesn’t help. So I feel so lost. I can’t deny my heart breaks inside every night we go to bed like brother and sister AND we sleep naked!!!!


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## happyhusband0005

Mrs Pacman said:


> Hello, here to introduce myself and my problem. Up for advice or guidance.
> 
> I’m in my second marriage. My husband is the sweetest and nicest person I know, my best friend actually. I thought we had it all. I don’t expect sex to be as it was in the beginning, who could keep up with that, but now it almost never happens. I tell him how I feel and ask him what I need to do and he says nothing and that he will work on it. That never happens. I feel so awful sleeping next to this man and it may as well be sleeping next to my mother! I feel so dejected.
> I told him it’s so bad, I would rather get divorced than feel like a best friend. I have many friends that I don’t have sex with, why do I need one more?
> 
> I just can’t explain more how I feel and how much we’ve talked about it only to end up feeling so alone. I’m sorry, I’m not dead, I need some sort of intimacy with the man I still love! They say Sometimes love isn’t enough. I want to be happy. I don’t know what to do really.


In these situations words mean nothing, only actions matter. Pay no attention to what he says, if he is doing nothing to address it (going to the doctor to have testosterone checked, getting healthy, being more active and having sex with you on a regular basis) he is showing you with his actions he doesn't actually care even though he might say he does. 

So the information you have is you basically have a sexless marriage and a husband who is perfectly fine with that and has no intention of changing it. You have to base decisions on the verifiable information you have, not a hope that the facts will change.


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## ccpowerslave

Sorry Mrs. Pacman but he sounds like an a-hole as you describe him. The thing his he doesn’t get to decide if you divorce him, YOU get to decide.

You deserve to have the physical intimacy you want. It sounds like he is a brick wall so I would work on getting yourself together. Hopefully some ladies will chime in.


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## Mrs Pacman

You’re so Right. I tell him that all the time “actions speak louder than words “. Such a sad realization that nothing will change. It’s his happiness or mine. I’m scared to chose mine and lose the friendship I have with him. I could never be friends after divorce if I love him. I could never watch him move on. Although I doubt he will. Since this is a private group, I’ll just say it. He is not blessed with size. He should be so lucky to have me right? I loved him through everything and anything. I guess this has to stop.


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## Mrs Pacman

Thank you for chiming in. I can’t go to anyone I know because they know him and you know how that goes. I appreciate your words.


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## ccpowerslave

I had the same problem with going to friends. Main difference was when I spoke to my wife and told her that the lack of intimacy was a deal breaker she immediately started trying and it took a couple months to get to equilibrium but we’re banging like newlyweds now.

I hope you can find this back in your life soon. For what it’s worth if she didn’t react when I talked with her about it I would have walked away from a 20+ year marriage.


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## Mrs Pacman

I always hope it will get better. I never hear a woman with this problem, i always hear from men whose wives don’t want sex. I feel even worse like the only woman who has a man who doesn’t want sex!!!! Feeling quit worthless


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## ccpowerslave

If you want to read women in your position for whatever reason they post a lot in the r/deadbedrooms subreddit. I think men are by far the majority in sexual pursuers but there are plenty of women in your shoes and they are overrepresented there.


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## sokillme

Mrs Pacman said:


> Hello, here to introduce myself and my problem. Up for advice or guidance.
> 
> I’m in my second marriage. My husband is the sweetest and nicest person I know, my best friend actually. I thought we had it all. I don’t expect sex to be as it was in the beginning, who could keep up with that, but now it almost never happens. I tell him how I feel and ask him what I need to do and he says nothing and that he will work on it. That never happens. I feel so awful sleeping next to this man and it may as well be sleeping next to my mother! I feel so dejected.
> I told him it’s so bad, I would rather get divorced than feel like a best friend. I have many friends that I don’t have sex with, why do I need one more?
> 
> I just can’t explain more how I feel and how much we’ve talked about it only to end up feeling so alone. I’m sorry, I’m not dead, I need some sort of intimacy with the man I still love! They say Sometimes love isn’t enough. I want to be happy. I don’t know what to do really.


I would write the first part here for both men and women. Do you take care of yourself physically and try to reasonably maintain your physical attraction for him? Meaning try to look nice keep a reasonable weight, all that? That's important.

How sexual are you with him? Do you try to seduce him? I think some women sometimes have this idea that men are just always horny and ready to go, but that gets harder when you are older and also when you have been with someone a lot an the newness wheres off. We have to perform so sometimes we will need help to get us there. The difference being women can still have sex, if they are not there. Men can't at least in the most basic P in V clinical way it's discussed. 

It could also just be medical, men are sometimes embarrassed by this. Talk to him about that and ask him to talk to his doctor. 

What's his porn use like. Porn can decrease desire. 

Finally check your phone. Unfortunately sometimes this happens when their is cheating.


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## Prodigal

Mrs Pacman said:


> We are so good together as a couple, just this issue that he doesn’t help.


I read this all the time on this forum. "We love each other, BUT ..." "We are best friends, BUT ..." The thing is that "but" negates all the other good stuff if it's big enough to cause significant distress. Your husband is only 40 years old and you've been friend zoned. I'm only spit-balling here, but maybe he's asexual. Yeah, I know, sex was great in the beginning, but isn't everything?

He's not interested in sex. And my guess is it's not just you, it would probably be any woman he got involved with. What reason does he give for his previous marriage ending? My guess is that marriage wasn't igniting any fires in the bedroom either.

The real tragedy here is he's not willing to do the hard work to make the marriage work. So what I see happening is he just doesn't care if you are suffering in a sexless marriage. In other words, he wants marriage, but he wants it on HIS terms. That's not really a marriage, is it?

As difficult as it will be, I'd suggest you pull the plug on this one. You deserve better. Seriously.

ETA: I apologize if I'm assuming your husband was married before. Although you said this is your second marriage, I don't believe you said the same of him.


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## DownByTheRiver

Mrs Pacman said:


> As far as working on it, I told him, if he’s tired I understand but even some kissing before bed, some kind of intimacy, will do. Some kind of nurturing for us as husband and wife, not just life partners.
> 
> He is 40, he did have testosterone checked, it was low, he got shots, I even gave him some. He has no ED, in fact if I’m playing with him, he gets one but absolutely does NOT act on it! Talk about rejection.
> We are so good together as a couple, just this issue that he doesn’t help. So I feel so lost. I can’t deny my heart breaks inside every night we go to bed like brother and sister AND we sleep naked!!!!


Gay or being faithful to someone else. My guess is that if he was wanting to be sexual with his wife and wanting to keep his wife, if there was something about his wife that was standing in the way he would surely tell you.

Does he have any financial reasons to need to be with you?

Maybe he cheated on you and ended up with an STD like herpes or aids that won't go away. Do you think he would go for a herpes and AIDS test with you so you can see the results?


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## Hiner112

The Sex Starved Wife


I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through. About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





There was a megathread started several years ago addressing women with your problem. "The Sex Starved Wife".

Without strong resentments, physical issues, infidelity, or something like that I have lots of trouble wrapping my head around it.


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## SunCMars

You mentioned his size...

His size, be small?
His size, be short?

What size might that be, Mum?

Size matters to a mon' and ees' fra-gile ego.


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## Hiner112

Mrs Pacman said:


> As far as working on it, I told him, if he’s tired I understand but even some kissing before bed, some kind of intimacy, will do. Some kind of nurturing for us as husband and wife, not just life partners.
> 
> He is 40, he did have testosterone checked, it was low, he got shots, I even gave him some. He has no ED, in fact if I’m playing with him, he gets one but absolutely does NOT act on it! Talk about rejection.
> We are so good together as a couple, just this issue that he doesn’t help. So I feel so lost. I can’t deny my heart breaks inside every night we go to bed like brother and sister AND we sleep naked!!!!


I can relate to your feeling of rejection. I can't give you any insight into the husband. Honestly, up until my divorce when I was 41 a naked wife in bed was probably going to get touched until either I got smacked or we had sex, sleep and/or fatigue be damned. For the last couple years she didn't sleep naked much the last couple years though .

I'm at least a little bit encouraged that there have been some actions taken, like T level testing and treatment but I can't explain having an erection and not wanting to do something / anything with it. 

Do you think he has some kind of sex issues? Like an aversion because of bad experiences (ridicule about size or infidelity or something)?

Have the two of you been to counseling to maybe help in communicating issues or acting as a mediator?


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## sokillme

Maybe he is mad at you for something.


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## Kali2222

Mrs Pacman said:


> I tell him I want a divorce and he simply says “lwe are not getting divorced” PERIOD. Then he proceeds with his day being kind and acting like nothing is wrong. I want peace so I go along with it because what am I suppose to do , scream and yell I’m not happy? I’m happy with our life fine but then we go to bed. Night after night just that. Until I can’t take it anymore and I cry myself to sleep.
> I approach him again about it and he says he will work on it.
> I understand about not doing anything “unattractive “, I try to be everything I always was. I’m just stuck.


oh boy, this sounds like my life!


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## jonty30

Mrs Pacman said:


> Hello, here to introduce myself and my problem. Up for advice or guidance.
> 
> I’m in my second marriage. My husband is the sweetest and nicest person I know, my best friend actually. I thought we had it all. I don’t expect sex to be as it was in the beginning, who could keep up with that, but now it almost never happens. I tell him how I feel and ask him what I need to do and he says nothing and that he will work on it. That never happens. I feel so awful sleeping next to this man and it may as well be sleeping next to my mother! I feel so dejected.
> I told him it’s so bad, I would rather get divorced than feel like a best friend. I have many friends that I don’t have sex with, why do I need one more?
> 
> I just can’t explain more how I feel and how much we’ve talked about it only to end up feeling so alone. I’m sorry, I’m not dead, I need some sort of intimacy with the man I still love! They say Sometimes love isn’t enough. I want to be happy. I don’t know what to do really.


In my opinion, sexually servicing your spouse is a part of marriage. If there is a medical reason, such as low-T, he could still sexually service you in other ways.
It's really always an act of the won't and there is no reason to stay married to somebody who has the won'ts.


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