# When to give up?



## WondedHeart (May 15, 2013)

I found out that my W is having an A. Both my W and OM work in the same work environment but do not work for the same employer. I have spoken with the OMW who was very appreciative.

Both of us (myself and OMW) suspected something was happeing. Both of us were lied to. 

My wife has been unhappy for the past 2-1/2 years according to her. We have been married for 5-1/2 years and been together for 7-1/2. We have two children (2 & 4).

I understand my role in our marriage in that I did not meet her emotional needs. Not to say that I did not try. We both agreed that we failed.

She wants to move on, yet is still living in the same house. She is confused and truley does not know what she wants. I have asked her to stop the affair (that has gone both E & P). She has tried but since they work in the same work environment, it has been difficult for both to stop. I understand that this is like an addiction for both of them.

They both work in polotics so the session is about to wrap up. This will hopefully make it easier for each to come to reality.

Her is the sad/troubled news. The OMW works in the same building as I do. We did not know that until last Wednesday. She is on 2nd and I am on 6th. We work for two totally different companies. Both marriages are of differnt faiths. While speaking to OMW, we both understand that family and failth is important to us. Evidently my W and OM have turned against their faith.

The other troubling news is that the OMW is pregnant and expecting twins. Their first children.

I know this can be repaired and that it takes both to work on it. With the work environment, I think they both try to stop based on the communication I am tracking (following their calls and text msg - though I do not know what they talk about only that they talk). They have to communicate with their work.

I know they have to completely cut the communication and the OMW and myself have stated that.

I understand the concept that couples head for divorce by either waiting to late to work on the relationship or giving up to early. I understand the early part as emotions can play a plan in the whole decision process. This has not been easy for me and can see where both myself and wife have failed. I want to work to see if this can be saved and understand that it is not possible while an affair is still in progress. She says that the OM makes her happy where I do not. I know we both need relationship coaching and individual counceling. I have already started the process for me and my W is willing to go for herself but not until after session (which is only a week to week and a half out).

To my knowledge, all parents do not know what is going on. My W parents know that we are having trouble but not the details. I suspect that my W maybe talking to her mom on this but do not have evidence. The OMW had stated that his parents will need to know prior to birth of the twins which may bring reality to focus.

My question is when is it too late to save a marriage?

Both myself and OMW understand the pressures in each of our lives. My wife maybe suffereing from a mid-life crisis, depression, large amount of work stress and the inability to connect with me. Likewise, the OM is dealing with work stress, becoming a new parent to twins, possible mid-life crisis though he is only 29. My wife is almost 36.

Normally, this is a deal breaker for me. The problem is that the OMW and myself do not believe in divorce. I am strong in my faith and beliefs. I also know that I need to work on myself before I can help my wife.

Any suggestions? Anyone been in this situation? I have not read that many threads and have will continue to do so.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

It is too late when you only have 1 party that wants to save it. If both don't want to, there really is no hope... I am sorry you are here.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

It sounds like you are letting her cake eat. She needs to know that you are not a second choice, plan b, cuckhold, etc.

File for D. Tell her it is over, and send her to live happily ever after with her lover.

Let her family know that she is out because she is having an affair.

Try to smile.

This is the worst feeling in the world.

I swear you won't end you suffering until you pull the plug on her.

The OM will likely throw her under the bus. If not, you can surely find a better woman.

So sorry you are here.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here! She is cake eating! Read up on the 180, fix yourself, you cant fix her. Lots of good advice coming your way, read it all, digest it all, act on it! 
I was like you, wanted nothing more than to fix my 30 year old marriage, she "wasnt interested in that" it takes two to fix things, without her its a nonstarter. Sorry to say.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

First, I agree. Both of yoou have to make a committment to salvage the marriage.

Second, I think she should be fully exposed to all. Perhaps her parents can get through to her. Peer pressure can be a good thing. Put it on fb as well for friends to see. It is important she sees her actions effect others besides just you and the kids.

Third, if the two of you do opt to reconcile, find some strong counseling.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

after posting I reread your posting. Uh, Umm, they reason she is confused is she is loving the sex with this guy, her young stud. It has nothing to do with stress, trust me. As for not believeing in divorce, read up on your scriptures. Adultry (the third commandment) is an automatic allowable out in marriage. It is the one thing that even God hates so much he allows us off the hook. You saying you dont believe in divorce is just a crutch for your not wanting a divorce. Sorry to be so tough, I feel for you, I really do, went into a six month depression myself one time, gave my handgun to a friend to hang onto. But you need to hear the truth. Without HONEST repenting and sorrow on her part, you got nothing in this marriage. Do what you can do right now, work on yourself, give up any alcohol, eat right, work out. Post here often so people can help. You found a great place. Saved my life.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

get tested for STD's.
See a lawyer to understand your options.

She has no respect for you. Why would she respect a husband who accepts her screwing another married man while still living with you?No consequences to her actions equals no motivations to change.

If the roles were reversed would she have been such a doormat (no offense) and accepting as you have been? If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## WondedHeart (May 15, 2013)

I realize that in some way I am allowing this to continue. Cake Eating...Yes. It is not something I am proud of. I am very analytical and stratagize in my actions. I did talk to the OMW which some friends had suggested not to. I disagreed and am happy I did.

I have done a lot of reading and by no means am I an expert in therapy. I have a basic understanding of the affair. I have not forgiven her and she is remorseful and can tell she is struggling.

I believe she has confessed to her parents. Her dad wants to talk to her this weekend. So I know something happened.

I do not know if this will work. I have a great relationship with her family and they know how well I take care of. Normally, I would not bat an eye and leave her. This happened to be before and left. This is different for me not only because I am emotionally involved, children, financial, etc. I am not making excuses about this at all. Understand that. I see that she is hurting and she needs help. I know couples can survive the affair and want to see if we are in that boat. Because this is only a few days old, she confessed on Monday, I do not want to act in haste and regret.

I appreaciate the concern of being a rug. I know I tend to put myself in that position and am working through counseling to not be that.

What I am asking, is after the family/friends have brought her out of the fog if you will, when is it too late? Hind sight is of course 20/20 and now see the signs I could have done things different that would have changed things.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

My exWW had a physical affair with a co-worker, and a simultaneous emotional affair with my former best friend. When I found out about the friend thing, I contacted his wife immediately. Like you have done.

My former friend's wife and I actually told our WSs that they could move in together, and that her(omw) and I would do the same. Lol! It actually was funny to see their reaction. Damn cheaters.

I know several cases where the loyal spouses actually ended up getting married and living happily ever after. Your post kinda sounds like this is a thought you might be having. Just me reading between the lines.

Woundedheart, you have married a selfish woman that doesn't respect you or her vows. You can find a better woman. Not saying you should try to create a relationship with the omw, but just think about how many wonderful women like her are available if you D and start over. 

I can't speak for God, but what I believe is that He doesn't hate anyone for wanting to start over with an innocent sweet woman that will be faithful to her husband and her vows.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She will remain "confused" until she is forced to make a decision. And in as much as she is secure in the knowledge that your deeply held religious and moral convictions won't allow you to divorce her, she will happily remain "confused" while enjoying her double life. 

You have to come to terms that you are either in a marriage or in a three-way relationship. Let me ask you this: Does your faith allow three people to be in one marriage? No? So you are failing your religion by remaining in this marriage. 

Go see a lawyer and see what rights you have - then exercise them.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

WondedHeart said:


> I realize that in some way I am allowing this to continue. Cake Eating...Yes. It is not something I am proud of. I am very analytical and stratagize in my actions. I did talk to the OMW which some friends had suggested not to. I disagreed and am happy I did.
> 
> I have done a lot of reading and by no means am I an expert in therapy. I have a basic understanding of the affair. I have not forgiven her and she is remorseful and can tell she is struggling.
> 
> ...


Most of us are in deep shock when this stuff first comes to light. You sound like me at this point.

It is horrible to be in your shoes.

Many of us have had the same thing. It is so hard because of the kids, money, extend family, etc. I was deeply in love for 20+ years.

It is easier to negotiate from a position of strength. Filing for a D will give you that. She will have to look hard at the same things you are worried about with a D. It will tip her off of the fence. Hope she lands in a way that you can decide if you want to R.

The D can be stopped down the road, or it will let you know that she is not committed to you.

My heart bleeds for good spouses that are betrayed.


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## WondedHeart (May 15, 2013)

I heard back form the OMW that he is breaking off the A and wants to reconcile.

I know there are many beautiful women out there that I can love and cherrish and they will do the same to me. I thought my W was one of them. Yes she is selfish right now. I do not deny it. She will remain confused until I act. I accept this as well. I know I do not like to rock the boat yet I have been searching to figure out what to do. I have thought hard on kicking her out as a wake up call. I am very patient and that is a trait that I do not look upon as bad. I am not ruling out divorce and have thought hard on it. This is very fresh though I suspected something in the last two months without any proof. It wasn't until recently that I became more aware and affair was happeing. I was that oblivous.

Regarding testing....that will be a must! Looking for legal advise as well.

Thanks for the comments. I am taking them all seriously.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

One thing you might find, your in-laws will be supportive of you as long as you are working for R. Once you go toward D, the tables usually turn.

Just don't give up too much in good faith with anyone until the dust settles.

Take your time to think it over. Spend time doing things to help yourself heal. It is a time that can easily go south if you are not looking out for yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Watch out for false accusations and character assasination attempts. Crazy people do crazy things. I have seen it first hand. It happens more often than not.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

WondedHeart said:


> I heard back form the OMW that he is breaking off the A and wants to reconcile.
> 
> I know there are many beautiful women out there that I can love and cherrish and they will do the same to me. I thought my W was one of them. Yes she is selfish right now. I do not deny it. She will remain confused until I act. I accept this as well. I know I do not like to rock the boat yet I have been searching to figure out what to do. I have thought hard on kicking her out as a wake up call. I am very patient and that is a trait that I do not look upon as bad. I am not ruling out divorce and have thought hard on it. This is very fresh though I suspected something in the last two months without any proof. It wasn't until recently that I became more aware and affair was happeing. I was that oblivous.
> 
> ...



Well I hope things work out for you BUT...

it was not her decision to break it off - it was (is) his. So as far as she was concerned she would gladly have continued with this lifestyle until she got bored of it. 

And now that she KNOWS you will do nothing but wring your hands and pray, she may well feel entitled to shop around for more excitement. This is what "no consequences" leads her to believe. Perhaps I'm wrong and you will have no further trouble but don't count on it. 

Good luck. You and your kids didn't deserve this at all.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Not every marriage can be saved.

None can be saved crying over a keyboard.

Time to man up and fight for your marriage. The way to fight is to get the book Survivng An Affair by Dr Harley.

Your wife must give up her old career. Can never have NC if WW and OM still have professional contact.

Your WW must send a cold to the point NC letter to her OM stating that the affair was wrong. She is sorry for the pain she caused her BH. There must be NC between the OM and WW forever. Letter to be approved and sent by the BH.

The affair must be exposed the OMW and OM parents.

WW parents and siblings. Get on OM FB page copy and paste his friends contact list. Then do a FB exposure. Allow one full minute between sending messages or FB will think you are spaming and temp block you.

A person in politics does not want his affair becoming public. Make him having an affair with your WW to much pain that he will feel WW is not worth the trouble and OM will drop WW.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sorry you're here.

First, if you haven't, you need to expose the affair to her family and your family.

Second, all contact *must* be eliminated. And the only way that can happen, is if your wife or the OM leaves the workplace. If he won't, then you have to insist that your wife does. If she won't, no need to consider R. Just do the 180 to detach from her, and proceed with D. Keep moving in that direction unless/until she agrees to eliminate the possibility of contact and sends him a no contact letter that you review.

If, she agrees to quit the job to end the contact, you have a chance for R, if she continues to "demonstrate" remorse. But first things first. If you get to that point with her, please check back here for further advice.

You have to be willing to end your marriage to have a chance to save it.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

WondedHeart said:


> I am very analytical and stratagize in my actions.


This is code words for rationalizing why you are not taking the actions you need to (IMO). If I was in your situation and IF I wanted to try to save the marriage there would be absolutely no scenario for which I would allow her to continue the affair. Addiction my ass.

File for D, kick her out actively move on with your life. This is the only thing that will force her into one of two directions, end the affair and try to R with you or continue as is to see where it goes. Either way you are better off.

Really, how can you function knowing that on any given day this OM is could be with your wife? I couldn't live like that.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Paulination said:


> Really, how can you function knowing that on any given day this OM is could be with your wife? I couldn't live like that.


Exactly! The OM may well want to work things out with his wife - _today_ - but he knows he has a 'stress reliever' handy any day he wants to exercise that option.


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