# I Feel Bad About Feeling Good



## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Short back story: married 20 years, 10 year old son, recently separated heading for divorce.

I left my wife because, deep down, I realised I just didn't like her anymore and certainly was no longer in love with her. Moving out was a horrible experience and I felt absolutely dreadful for the first couple of weeks. Now, however, I feel OK. I've started to get my life back together, I no longer dread coming home from work, I look forward to seeing my son, I'm forming new friendships and generally starting to enjoy myself a bit. I still have many black moments for sure but I can see the day when they'll be done with.

The biggest single problem I have is that my wife is taking it very badly. If she was a nasty person in any way, I think it would be different, but she's not. She's a nice, decent woman who made the mistake of marrying the wrong man in the same way that I made the mistake of marrying her. She's not suffering financially, just emotionally. I feel genuinely bad about what she's going through but I can't do the one thing that would make her happy which is to move back in. I've spent 10 of the last 20 years being utterly miserable and I just can't do it anymore.

Does my refusal to accept misery for myself make me a bad person? I do wonder.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Why were you miserable? Have you tried marriage counseling? 

I certainly hope an affair isn't involved. If there is an affair involved, time to confess to your wife. TODAY.

I was cheated on and my husband never confessed. His lies hurt worse than the affair.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

sadsoul101 said:


> Why were you miserable? Have you tried marriage counseling?
> 
> I certainly hope an affair isn't involved. If there is an affair involved, time to confess to your wife. TODAY.
> 
> I was cheated on and my husband never confessed. His lies hurt worse than the affair.


No affair as far as I know (that is, I certainly never had one). We did IC and MC and, quite frankly, despite trying a few different cousellors, it just made things worse.

I was miserable due to an almost complete lack of any connection or understanding and years of insane communucation. It got to the point where I stayed silent much of the time rather than say something that would almost certainly be misconstrued. A typical conversation might be:

Her: what shall we have for dinner?
Me: how about pasta?
Her: but I got us a pizza.
Me: oh, fine, pizza's good.
Her: but you want pasta.
etc

Next day:

Her: what shall we have for dinner?
Me: what have we got? (different approach)
Her: nothing
Me: no problem, I'll go get something from the shop
Her: we haven't got time, it's too late
Me: ok, I'll see what I can cook up from what we do have
Her: there's nothing that will work
etc

On top of that, she's enormously controlling in a very passive aggressive way. Things that I did or didn't do as a result:

1. I always sat down to pee. Now, I take my share of toilet cleaning duties so I do understand the reasoning behind this one but, never-the-less, for man to never, ever pee standing up in his own home is still something.

2. I slept with the curtains open - she didn't like it too dark. I wore one of those airline eye shades in the end.

3. I didn't have a television. Television is evil for some reason she could never explain.

4. despite having a dishwasher, I always washed up by hand. Dishwashers are also evil.

5. I never turned the air conditioning on until it reached 90 degrees inside the house (no joke, that's still the setting I think). Evil again.

6. I almost never listened to music on the hi-fi, just on headphones. Likewise, I only played my electric guitar using headphones. Actually, this one merits some further comment. If I was in the living room either alone or with my son, I'd put some music on. If she came in the room, the first thing she'd do is turn down the volumne (regardless of how loud it started) and, if I left the room for a minute or two, she'd turn it off whilst I was gone and say 'I didn't think you were listening to it' if I asked why. This didn't apply to her music I should add, only mine.

7. I got rid of my car. Not because it was costing very much or we couldn't easily afford but because she thought it was a waste of money. She now gets morbidly depressed about buying groceries which involves walking 200 yards down the road with a basket on wheels.

8. I never played computer games with my son - same category as tv etc.

I think the biggest thing though was our complete lack of compatibility when it came to socialising. I like to go out and meet people, make new friends etc. She hates it, although swears blind that she doesn't. To give one concrete example of this, a few months ago, we went round to a friend's house - not something did often in the end - to just hang out. A few other people were there, some we knew, some we didn't. We sat around chatting in the living room for a while whilst the kids played in another room. It was nice, very laid back. After about an hour, she got up and said she was going out for a walk. That was it, no reason given, no apology or anything. An hour or so later she came back and we left. I asked her what that was all about and she gave no answer other than that she wanted to go for a walk. The result being one more set of people that won't invite us back. This isn't someone who's painfully shy or anything though, I have no idea what the problem is and neither did our counsellor when I raised it.

And don't get me started on her stream of consciousness style of starting conversations. Imagine someone who can't quite tell the difference between their own internal dialogue and the real world outside their head and you're about there.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh good grief. With that list she should be lucky you stayed as long as you did.

Do a happy dance and let her wallow in her own craziness. In this situation guilt is highly overrated.

Enjoy your newfound freedom. I hope you buy the biggest tv you can find as a reward.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Oh good grief. With that list she should be lucky you stayed as long as you did.
> 
> Do a happy dance and let her wallow in her own craziness. In this situation guilt is highly overrated.
> 
> Enjoy your newfound freedom. I hope you buy the biggest tv you can find as a reward.


Hehe, thanks.  Funnily enough, the first thing on my list for when I get a permanent place to live, is the biggest, nastiest 3D TV with multi-channel surround sound that money can buy!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

grenville said:


> Hehe, thanks.  Funnily enough, the first thing on my list for when I get a permanent place to live, is the biggest, nastiest 3D TV with multi-channel surround sound that money can buy!


Also, have a urinal installed in your bathroom - so you don't forget.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Also, have a urinal installed in your bathroom - so you don't forget.


That's a weird coincidence. Whilst I was looking for temporary places to stay, I did actually see one that had a urinal in an en-suite bathroom. The realtor thought that it had been installed by a guy with back problems who didn't like to sit down unless he had to. It was a real shock to see one in a private home I must say.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife is clearly a depressed individual with major childhood damages that need extensive therapy. I'm guessing you married her when young and she never had to face consequences for her absurd behavior because you were too weak (due to your own insecurities).

I understand your sense of guilt. It's not really something you can control without feeling even more guilty further down the road. Don't fight it. 

First let the fog lift up after a couple of months of separation. Then try to point her in the right direction by suggesting books, articles and support forums (like this place). That will help you lessen your own guilt and also hopefully make her realize that you're not an evil person. Later on when she is more receptive to positive advice, she may even open up to therapy which will probably save her from living a miserable life (slow death).

She needs to own her actions in life. She knows something is wrong, but doesn't quite know what.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Synthetic if they've been married 20 years she's too old to change. My personal theory is you can't fix crazy past the age of 33. Once someone passes that threshold there's no turning back. I've researched this to death and I've yet to find someone who changed their life much past this age unless they had a stong foundation to start with or they got a clue before they got old.

My dad is crazy like this and he only got worse with age not better.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Synthetic if they've been married 20 years she's too old to change. My personal theory is you can't fix crazy past the age of 33. Once someone passes that threshold there's no turning back. I've researched this to death and I've yet to find someone who changed their life much past this age unless they had a stong foundation to start with or they got a clue before they got old.
> 
> My dad is crazy like this and he only got worse with age not better.


 This makes me quite sad because it's true in most cases.

It's unfortunate that people are so busy with superficial sh** they forget the most important thing in the world: Themselves


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

synthetic said:


> I'm guessing you married her when young and she never had to face consequences for her absurd behavior because you were too weak (due to your own insecurities).


Young-ish - 25. Absurd is a good word, it really captures her nature. I was weak, but I'm becoming stronger, albeit with some set-backs. I struggle with the hurt I've caused her and even more so for my son but, in his case, I know that I can make up for it by being a better father away from her than I ever could have been with her around.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I hate to sound crass but she sounds almost autistic.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

grenville said:


> Short back story: married 20 years, 10 year old son, recently separated heading for divorce.
> 
> I left my wife because, deep down, I realised I just didn't like her anymore and certainly was no longer in love with her. Moving out was a horrible experience and I felt absolutely dreadful for the first couple of weeks. Now, however, I feel OK. I've started to get my life back together, I no longer dread coming home from work, I look forward to seeing my son, I'm forming new friendships and generally starting to enjoy myself a bit. I still have many black moments for sure but I can see the day when they'll be done with.
> 
> ...


For better or worse til...

You are selfish. You loved her once before. Go home and find that love once again.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> I hate to sound crass but she sounds almost autistic.


I've thought that myself. She has a few Asberger's type behaviours (particularly the vocalisation of internal thoughts part) but not enough to be conclusive. Maybe mildy on the autistic spectrum I guess.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> Go home and find that love once again.


No thanks, it's not there to be found. Seriously, if I went back, I'd probably end up killing myself in the end.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

grenville said:


> I've thought that myself. She has a few Asberger's type behaviours (particularly the vocalisation of internal thoughts part) but not enough to be conclusive. Maybe mildy on the autistic spectrum I guess.


I think my son is mildly autistic and he's NOTHING like your wife. Your wife just sounds weird almost cult like.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> For better or worse til...
> 
> You are selfish. You loved her once before. Go home and find that love once again.


Unless you've lived with crazy you have no idea what it's like. This isn't about being selfish it's about preserving his sanity.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

I have a feeling there is a lot more to the story. Very rarely is it the case where one partner is the "good martyr" and the other "the one with all the problems". Before you give up, see what other options exist...


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

sadsoul101 said:


> I have a feeling there is a lot more to the story. Very rarely is it the case where one partner is the "good martyr" and the other "the one with all the problems". Before you give up, see what other options exist...


Don't get me wrong, I certainly have my own issues to deal with. There is no doubt though, and many people have told me this including one of the counsellors we saw together - that she out-weirds me with ease. All other options are exhausted at this point, I want my life back on a permanent basis.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In my parents case my dad was the weird one and my mom the enabler. He out-weirded her by a landslide. Her only flaw was putting up with it and not having a backbone to tell him to stick it or leaving.

So yes sometimes it absolutely is more one spouses problem than the other one. This applies when you marry someone who is broken in some way. We are all broken to some degree but some are way more than others. Again unless you've lived this you have no idea what it's like to live with crazy.


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