# Hey Guys...is this just asking too much?



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Okay, we have a great thing going, but there is always this issue that pops up.
He works, 5 days a week..sometimes sits in 2hrs. of traffic, works from home on one or two days of the week.
I am a mom of 3, ages 5-15, do not work outside our home, but do a good job here. 
I take care of the works- I do pretty much everything besides makes the money.
He will very randomly help here & there, doing small things, like shower with our son, or make the kids a meal.
I greatly appreciate all the ways he contributes, of course especially how he is supporting our family.
I tell him, show him, etc..how grateful I am for being able to stay home & for all of his support.

What bothers me is how he thinks he shouldn't need to help around the house much at all.
He has said that he makes the $ & I should take care of the house.
One thing I ask him to do is take out the trash- 
I pull it out, so he knows it's full & it sits for days- I ask once & he says okay & still avoids it.
When he works from home, he eats upstairs & leaves his dishes for days...
Dumb things like this..it's frustrating when it happens over & over.

Is it too much to ask him to contribute a little more..help out & do his share?
At least pick up after himself within a day?
How do men respond favorably to these requests..it doesn't seem like that much to ask, but I feel like to him, it is.
I don't nag & ask over & over, so how do I get him to listen to me on this?

Thank you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If you "take care of the works" then how exactly, when he works from home, does his dirty dishes "sit for days"? Or do you mean in his office space?

I'm not saying either of you do too much or too little, just trying to fill in a few weird blanks on your side...

Your best bet is to make it as easy for him to clean up behind himself as possible - such as having room in the dishwasher for his dirty dishes rather than a full load either dirty and clean, have a clear consistent place for everything - if you have a clear organization system that he is onboard with it is less mental effort required on his part to put stuff back where it belongs... you do say you already have the trash ready for him to take out though so I suspect you already do try to make it more automatic for him... where do you leave the trash? If it is outside for him is much better than inside cause once he gets in the house and takes his shoes off he probably doesn't want to go back out just for the garbage.

If there is a mess he leaves behind and you can tidy it up, just do it without resentment for me I always found that having someone clean up after me guilted me into doing it myself, and I also found that when everything is already spotless I dislike to be the first one to mess it up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your situation is like mine, except I do work...but I'm home by 3:30 and he's home at 8....so I have time.


His job IS the trash (and on his days off he cleans too)...but...if he acted like I didn't need help, THAT would bother me. it's the taking for granted thing. I don't think they know exactly what we do around the house. i think they think it just always looks like this and things are always just in their places. lol.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, your kids are 5 to 15... You should have a fair amount of time every day to take care of everything in the house with the exception of projects like spring cleaning or repair work and stuff. It doesn't seem unreasonable that he has a chore or two like the garbage, though. And as far as the dishes go, just leave them in his workspace, especially if it's an office area that doesn't impact anyone else.

I would also ask what chores the kids have. They're old enough to contribute to helping around the home too.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

He works from our home office which doubles as our bedroom, so unfortunately it impacts me too.. It's not just dishes, but banana peels & such.. It all sits there for a few days to a week, on the desk or our dresser.
It's pretty annoying to watch it build up..I know to pick up after myself, it's not difficult.
It would be very simple for him to rinse his stuff & pop it into the dishwasher, things are organized so that we can operate a good-flowing household.
..however, he gets on the kids when they leave something for an hour..assuming I haven't already asked them to clean up.

He is the other adult in the house, I expect him to take care of his own mess without needing a reminder.
I resent that I feel like I need to tell him to clean up after himself. -.-

Same with the trash..in fact today is day 3 that it's sitting in the kitchen, in plain view.
I won't give in & do it because he'll just figure I'm going to wind up doing it anyway & then NEVER take care of it. 
Makes me feel like he doesn't care much about all the things I do to take care of our home & kids..
..hard to explain the frustration if you don't run a family of five & an entire household everyday.

My kids all have their chores & they do them weekly.
If he has a rough day, I do the trash. It's not a big deal, but it's the principle of the matter. Even so, it requires all of 90 seconds to take it out.
He expects that I do the backyard too.

I feel that it's too much for just me, I fall behind on things sometimes because I'm the only one regularly taking care of things & it's A LOT!
Anyhow, I'm kind of just venting, but I'm trying to see if I'm justified to feel a little taken for granted.
And I'm still wondering how to approach him about it without sounding redundant or like a nag! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> He works from our home office which doubles as our bedroom, so unfortunately it impacts me too.. It's not just dishes, but banana peels & such.. It all sits there for a few days to a week, on the desk or our dresser.
> It's pretty annoying to watch it build up..I know to pick up after myself, it's not difficult.
> It would be very simple for him to rinse his stuff & pop it into the dishwasher, things are organized so that we can operate a good-flowing household.
> ..however, he gets on the kids when they leave something for an hour..assuming I haven't already asked them to clean up.
> ...


My son was like that before he left for the army. It was in his room, but still I was paying the bills ect. Do what I did. Start putting the stuff in he underwear drawer, and he will get the hint.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Hahaha...I thought of doing something like that...putting it on his side of the bed
Knowing my H- he'd move it over to the nightstand, not say anything & hop into bed!
He's such a pain sometimes...I should send HIM to the army! ;D
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

thats a tough one. sounds like your really complaining about him being a slob in general. maybe you could try the health angle. kinda not the most sanitary. I work with a guy thats like him his work area is filled with crumbs and bannas you name it it there and hes always sick.

or the set an example for the kids angle. but I thinks its going to be tough what ever you do its going to take patience and persistance.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe a big trash can by the computer! with a neon sign TRASH HERE.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband is being foolish.

Sometimes a wife needs to be shown that she is appreciated in more ways than bringing home a paycheck.

The first course of action is for you to stop having sex in a room with old smelly trash in it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah, sometimes when you are feeling taken for granted, it is because you are. There are probably things you can do to disable him from taking you for granted but its just as important you change your own perception so you don't build resentment and start missing out on appreciating the things he does do.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

hmmm, I have an awful lot to say about my ex but one thing he was NOT is a slob. I have a full time job and so did he but I was always home before him so the bulk of the housework ended up with me. But he would always do his fair share too, particularly at weekends.

Ok you stay at home but you're not his damn maid - there's no excuse for dirty plates and banana skins lying around for days - NONE

is he a mummy's boy?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Do you do part of his work? Doesn't.sound like it. So I agree with him. Your job is to take care of the house. Before you tell me how hard that is, consider that many women work full time jobs and do most of the chores and cook and take care of kids. 

I work 40 Plus hours weekly and sit in 2 hours of traffic. I also clean my house, do the laundry, dishes, bathrooms, etc. No housekeeper. My husband rarely helps. He does take care of much of the yard, since he works the same amount of time. When I was a single mom, I worked 2 jobs and did all the housework.

It sounds like your husband feels you have a job to do. Think about it from his perspective. You don't earn ant part of the family living. Instead of complaining, why don't you consider yourself lucky to have a husband who agrees to let you stay home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

He's not a mama's boy, no. LOL! He just gets lazy with picking up after himself..and I never push it- I don't think I should need to point it out, but apparently I need to.

I am always appreciative for all he does for me/us, so that's a non-issue. He knows how I feel.
However although I only bring $ in sporadically, (I'm a massage therapist,) I think it's perfectly acceptable to expect the other adult living here to pick-up after himself.
I refuse to be a martyr & follow him around cleaning up after him, that's so silly & would cause problems more serious.
And you're right, I am not his maid...unless he wants me to be...after hours, u know hehe..

Don't get me wrong- as I stated in my first post, he works hard for us & I reciprocate the effort happily in many ways.
But I believe that he needs to set a positive example for the kids as well by being a good leader & taking care of his sh!t 
(when your teenager comes in, sees dad's pile & says, jeeez, mom, is he ever going to clean up his stuff?..that's when I really notice & say you're absolutely right! )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Are you sure your husband isn't resentful that you aren't working? I hear this complaint a lot in here, and from the outside, it often sounds like the husband us resentful for the wife not working.
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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

In our case, he has encouraged me to stay home & take care of things on the home front. 
He shouldn't be resentful, considering I take care of so much here, as we both agreed on- not to mention we have a kick-ass sex life
It's worth asking though- if he was feeling resentful for something, I'd sure like to know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Or maybe ask him what he thinks your role should be. It sounds like he thinks you should do everything around the house. 

I wouldn't sweat this too much. I spend my whole weekend cleaning up and running errands after a long, stressful week at work. Remember a lot of women do everything at home and work fulltime. You really should consider yourself lucky.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> Do you do part of his work? Doesn't.sound like it. So I agree with him. Your job is to take care of the house. Before you tell me how hard that is, consider that many women work full time jobs and do most of the chores and cook and take care of kids.
> 
> I work 40 Plus hours weekly and sit in 2 hours of traffic. I also clean my house, do the laundry, dishes, bathrooms, etc. No housekeeper. My husband rarely helps. He does take care of much of the yard, since he works the same amount of time. When I was a single mom, I worked 2 jobs and did all the housework.
> 
> ...


So, she can't complain about the slovenly behavior? Leaving dishes and garbage lying around is ridiculous. At the very least, the husband should be taking the dishes to the kitchen, even if he doesn't rinse them off and put them into the dishwasher. He should also be tossing the trash where it belongs... IN THE TRASH! Not lying around on the nightstand or the dresser or anything else. There is no reason that he shouldn't be expected to do a few little things around the house. By NOT pitching in on occasion, it sends the kids the message that mom needs to do it all, no one else has to do anything. Been there, done that. The kids end up disrespecting the parents because of such things. Again, I have seen it happen. 

Taking the trash out is usually once, maybe twice, each week? There really is no plausible excuse for him NOT to do it. And saying "you're home all day. It's your job. I shouldn't have to do anything" are not legitimate excuses. And yes, they are excuses. Asking him to do one chore isn't asking too much. As for the slob behavior... that's common sense. If he wants his clothes washed, put them in the laundry. The dishes he uses need to get to the kitchen...or no dishes allowed in the bedroom/office, no matter what. No food in there at all if he can't pick up after himself. And yes, I did this with my husband AND my kids. It's amazing how much more cooperative AND respectful they are when you don't wash their laundry because they don't put the dirty clothes in the hamper. And, it's also amazing how they actually pitched in once they saw mom wasn't going to follow them around picking up their garbage constantly. 

It's not asking too much for your spouse to not be a slob. It's not asking too much to ask him to help out with one or two chores, even when he works. My husband did it when he had a long drive each day. And yes, I was/am a SAHM. He did it because he loves me. Had nothing to do with whether I did everything else everyday or not. It was something he was asked to do, one chore, and he did it... with no arguing.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I'm not trying to be disrespectful and say she's his maid. And yes, maybe he's a slob. My husband is often a slob. I get on him to pick up, but I like the house really clean, so I pick up after him. I shouldn't have to pick up after him either, considering I work fulltime and make 2/3 of our family income. But he does the outside work, so I let it go. I'm simply stating that he may never pick up after himself. He earns the family living, and unless she wants to do that, she may have to just pick up after him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silly Husband (Aug 30, 2010)

Maybe something along these lines - "Hey honey, you work so hard to take care of us and I really appreciate that. I work hard to keep the house clean so it frustrates me when you leave a mess. I don't think you are doing it to upset me and I don't want to feel like a nag, so I'm wondering if you have any suggestions as to how we can handle this."

After he gives you the deer in the headlights look he will probably say something highly intelligent like, " I dunno, what do you think?"

That will be your opportunity to tell him whatever you think will work(I will put the garbage here if you will take it out as soon as you come in. I am going to [ scream, beat you, call your mother ] if I have to clean up your dishes anymore!)

After you guys reach an agreement, thank him for helping you with this and he will be more committed to it. Us guys love to know we can help fix the problem! Good luck!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Karma,
I have been on both sides of this fence. During our 22 years together I did the wage earner thing for 20 of them while she was a SAHM/W/+++. Like you, she did pretty much everything else - except the yard work. I was extremely grateful for everything she did do. Like your H, I would occassionally help with kids, cooking, etc. and like your H (not saying this is fair: I felt that after working 50 horus and commuting another 5-10 that anything else was optional). For a time she took over the yard work and then we hired it out, as that is not a very expensive thing to do where we live. 

I travelled a lot for business, during which time she literally did everything. 

I believe that it is very important for the working spouse - especially if that person is a "he" - stay involved with the kids. My biggest ding on myself - was not helping my W more especially as they got older and more challenging. As for taking out the trash, there are certain symbolic acts of service that are important in any marriage. I always tried to do that stuff - yes I said she did everything. And she really did - but when I was home - there was no way I was going to have a discussion about whether I should take the garbage to the main container or to the street. That was one of the many small ways I showed my W gratitude for what she did. 

When the kids were really young: First 8 years of our marriage - I think her job was harder. Then about the same for a few years. And then with all of them in school, becoming more independent, overall her job became steadily less of a time commitment than mine. Not a complaint, just an observation. 

I still happily help with a bunch of stuff around the house. 

More on that later...




karma*girl said:


> Okay, we have a great thing going, but there is always this issue that pops up. He works, 5 days a week..sometimes sits in 2hrs. of traffic, works from home on one or two days of the week. I am a mom of 3, ages 5-15, do not work outside our home, but do a good job here. I take care of the works- I do pretty much everything besides makes the money. He will very randomly help here & there, doing small things, like shower with our son, or make the kids a meal. I greatly appreciate all the ways he contributes, of course especially how he is supporting our family. I tell him, show him, etc..how grateful I am for being able to stay home & for all of his support. What bothers me is how he thinks he shouldn't need to help around the house much at all. He has said that he makes the $ & I should take care of the house. One thing I ask him to do is take out the trash- I pull it out, so he knows it's full & it sits for days- I ask once & he says okay & still avoids it. When he works from home, he eats upstairs & leaves his dishes for days... Dumb things like this..it's frustrating when it happens over & over. Is it too much to ask him to contribute a little more..help out & do his share? At least pick up after himself within a day? How do men respond favorably to these requests..it doesn't seem like that much to ask, but I feel like to him, it is. I don't nag & ask over & over, so how do I get him to listen to me on this? Thank you!! _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

he should at least pick up after himself, thats just acting like a responsible person


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

**Thanks everyone for all of the good feedback~ it's good to know that I'm not alone when dealing with this type of issue

I just had a straight-forward, yet kind discussion about all the things I'm thinking & he responded pretty well.

He apologized for pushing me to such an annoyed state of mind & took care of all of his 'areas,' without any big problem.
I'm sure he knew he needed to get to it, but just was procrastinating..what he DIDN'T know was how it was making me feel unappreciated.
He had no clue it would translate that way..

He said communication is really important & was glad I finally came out & decided to 'state the obvious.'
(because I normally hate doing that!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Your husband is being foolish.
> 
> Sometimes a wife needs to be shown that she is appreciated in more ways than bringing home a paycheck.
> 
> The first course of action is for you to stop having sex in a room with old smelly trash in it.


Another prescription for dysfunction! Sex is not a reward or a punishment. And people wonder why sex in marriage is such a big problem


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Another prescription for dysfunction! Sex is not a reward or a punishment. And people wonder why sex in marriage is such a big problem


He didn't say "stop having sex with you husband, period."... He said "stop having sex in a room with smelly garbage"... meaning, get him to take care of his garbage or no sex in that room. I wouldn't want to have sex with garbage lying all over the place....


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Not unreasonable and glad he responded well! I hope he keeps it up, it's just common courtesy to clean up after yourself- what message is he sending I the kids after all?
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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> He's not a mama's boy, no. LOL! He just gets lazy with picking up after himself..and I never push it- I don't think I should need to point it out, but apparently I need to.
> 
> However although I only bring $ in sporadically, (I'm a massage therapist,) I think it's perfectly acceptable to expect the other adult living here to pick-up after himself.


Reading this one reminded me of a book I read years ago called "Games People Play", by Eric Berne.

If Eric was talking to you, KG, he'd probably tell you that you're always operating in your "Parent Mode", and that provokes your husband to always operate in his "Child Mode". The end result is that the argument becomes permanent, and the rubbish never gets moved.

It could also be that he's habitually in his "Child Mode", and that provokes you to respond in your "Parent Mode".

(Berne never actually used the term "mode", but it's what he meant.)

Interesting stuff, some of it. A fun read, too.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sometimes women just need the cold hard facts.

Some men are lazy. It's not that we don't see the mess, or believe that you should be doing all the cleaning, it's just that laziness takes over sometimes. It's not engrained in our psyche to keep the nest tidy. Although a week is pretty strange.

Edit: Just read your update. Glad it worked out.


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