# Was my whole marriage a lie?



## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

I've posted about my wife's cheating on a few other threads. But a comment someone posted really stood out to me that never really dawned on me before - that my marriage was a lie from the beginning.

In 2007 my wife met a married man one month after we were engaged at a work conference. That man hit on her and ended up trying to take it physical later in the day after the two of them got drunk at the hotel bar. As far as I know, nothing happened. They began corresponding by email shortly thereafter and my wife lied about it. I was NOT happy with this but she convinced me there was nothing to worry about and I tried to just let it go. It could have been innocent initially because I didn't know of the nature or content of the emails until 2012 when I gained access to emails going back to late 2009. (At another conference in January 2009, they were drinking alone, in her hotel room, on her bed and he tried to kiss her.) Here's the full version for more reference: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/157617-emotional-affair-thoughts.html

I found messages like these:

*In Sept. 2010*, Wife to OM: "After the 'wish you were here email,' I couldn't get the thought out of my head. Either that or I wish I was there. I seem to think it more and more. Which leads me to a state I can only refer to as... Awkward Bewilderment. So.. yeah... I am now feeling what I imagine you felt during our awkward phone conversation. Since I'm typing it, I thought it'd be less awkward... but it isn't."

*In 2011*: Wife write to OM: "I'm thinking about *the first time we met*... saying good-bye in the elevator and me getting out on the wrong floor. I had no idea you noticed. I like that you noticed. OM to wife: "I forgot about your missed floor. That was pretty cute, actually." Wife to OM: "Cute, huh? I'm surprised. But then again I'm surprised you ever wanted to talk to me in the first place" OM to Wife: "It's pretty funny how quickly we gravitated toward each other. Can't believe that was four years ago." *Wife to OM: "It was, wasn't it? I don't think I'd ever experienced that before... and haven't since. hmmm.... not sure I should say anymore..."* OM to Wife: Sweet Dreams, (wife's name) : )

*Wife to OM in July 2012*: "there are also things I want to say and share with you that I know for many reasons, I can't. Timing really isn't our thing is it?"

*Feb. 2013, day after valentines day*: They had a conversation about a guy hitting on my wife. OM to Wife "I guess you can count me in the fraternity of dumb guys who hit on you. You're welcome " Wife to OM: "Oh Mr. (last name)... I said wrong, not dumb... but you are.... the singular exception to well.... everything.... *for you I have wished and will forever wish for a time machine*... now why can I be emotionally vulnerable and brutally honest with you but not that lame guy"

He sent her maybe 5 photos of himself. She sent about 35 of herself over the 5 years. Nothing sexual about the photos, they were just clothed and smiling.

She always told me this "friendship" was purely platonic and that nothing inappropriate happened. We are currently in a trial separation with the promise of not seeing any one else. She has broken that promise with multiple other men already. I am in the process of filing.

But the thing that I'm really grappling with is - was my marriage a lie? It seems like my wife at least wrestled with feelings for another man, perhaps as early as our engagement, or at least early on in the marriage. And then took those feelings into those email correspondences. I'm having a hard time dealing with that thought. That EVERYTHING I did and gave and all the effort and love I put in went toward a lie. Not coping with that thought very well.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Are you attempting r or going to d 

I know what I would do but am curious to your plan. 

Yes your marriage was a sham from the get go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Well, I'll give her one thing. She's consistent in her philandering. From engagement through marriage.

Of course it is an EA; and frankly I don't see anything there that rules out a PA. Their conversation is just too "familiar". If they had the physical opportunity to get together, you should assume they did.

Stay on track with that D and start working on your exit plan.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

My guess is parts of your marriage were real, but fundamentally the foundation was a lie. She is a lie, and obviously an attention seeker. She was engaged to you and she's talking about hopping into a time machine to be with this married guy she met? Part of this is the lover's game, the fantasy, the ego-stroking, and she was eating it up with a giant spoon. She enjoyed every single minute of it. She is not who you thought she was, though I am sure you enjoyed some very genuine moments together. It is hard to accept the paradox, but people are paradoxical. Especially when they lack any sense of honor or virtue.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Workindad,
I'm going to D. She's been with 5+ other men since September when we promised to do a 6 month trial separation. She broke that promise after one week. There really isn't anything to go back to. Trust is completely destroyed. And yet, in her mind, this is all my fault because I didn't want to start a family with this drama going on.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

staystrong said:


> My guess is parts of your marriage were real, but fundamentally the foundation was a lie. She is a lie, and obviously an attention seeker. She was engaged to you and she's talking about hopping into a time machine to be with this married guy she met? Part of this is the lover's game, the fantasy, the ego-stroking, and she was eating it up with a giant spoon. She enjoyed every single minute of it. She is not who you thought she was, though I am sure you enjoyed some very genuine moments together. It is hard to accept the paradox, but people are paradoxical. Especially when they lack any sense of honor or virtue.


Thank you. Yeah, I think this says it pretty well. It was founded on a lie. And there were lots of genuinely good moments with her and I. But she is a lie. She lies so well. I think of myself as a pretty honorable man - never ever put myself in a position to do anything like she did - so one just assumes and expects that their spouse will have the same level of honor.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

She’s going to think whatever she needs to think to make herself a good person in her own mind. Facts don’t matter to her and don’t let it get to you. Thank God you didn’t have kids.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

On your part? The answer is no. On your STBXW's part? The whole marriage was a lie from day one. Her behavior during this separation is way over the top. I typically don't like separations just because of what you are going through, but you had an agreement and she broke it quickly and many times. 

I can only imagine a woman like this has had other men in her life and you only got the tip of the proverbial iceberg.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> On your part? The answer is no. On your STBXW's part? The whole marriage was a lie from day one.
> 
> I can only imagine a woman like this has had other men in her life and you only got the tip of the proverbial iceberg.


Thorburn,

I can say with a clear mind and conscience that I gave it the best shot every day and tried harder at this than with anything else I've ever done. I'm just sickened to come to the realization that on her end, this wasn't reciprocated. It really does feel like a lie. And I was her sperm donor because all she ever talked about wanting was kids. Marriage came much further down the line. 

Well, I'll give myself credit for not caving to the kids demand.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Thorburn,
> 
> I can say with a clear mind and conscience that I gave it the best shot every day and tried harder at this than with anything else I've ever done. I'm just sickened to come to the realization that on her end, this wasn't reciprocated. It really does feel like a lie. And I was her sperm donor because all she ever talked about wanting was kids. Marriage came much further down the line.
> 
> Well, I'll give myself credit for not caving to the kids demand.


And that is what I sensed by your story. You gave your best and she crapped all over it. Time to cut your loses and move forward.

Disengage as much as you can.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Not to make you feel worse but the reality is that you have been "Plan B" throughout your marriage. I know that sucks to think about but if you accept it hopefully you will draw the strength to see the reality for what it is.

You deserve better. Respect yourself enough to go get it and leave this train wreck in the rear view mirror.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

2yearsago said:


> Not to make you feel worse but the reality is that you have been "Plan B" throughout your marriage. I know that sucks to think about but if you accept it hopefully you will draw the strength to see the reality for what it is.
> 
> You deserve better. Respect yourself enough to go get it and leave this train wreck in the rear view mirror.


2yearsago,
I think you speak some real truth there. I was plan B. She had her heart elsewhere. I was also Plan B during our trial separation. I can't believe I have put up with this for so long. What a mess.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I don't think that's the right question. The question is whether she was capable of being a married person and the answer is no. You kept up your end of the bargain, but she doesn't seem to be capable of honesty, loyalty, or fidelity, or to even understand the concept of appropriate boundaries.

She wanted children, and she also wanted the attention of a lot of different men. It was all about her, and that's NOT what being married is about.

So sorry you are finding out the truth about her the hard way, but as has been said already, far better that you find out before there were any kids. 

The way you framed the question has a hint of blaming the victim - you - and that's why I'm not entirely comfortable with this way of looking at your situation. The marriage per se isn't guilty - SHE is. Any "lying" that was going on was on her. The marriage didn't lie, she did. So she is the one who brought down the marriage, as a result of HER lack of honesty, loyalty, and fidelity. To call your whole marriage a lie seems to spread the dishonesty aspect around, and that's not fair. If a car has a flat tire, do you blame the car?


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

hopefulgirl,
Thank you, that's a better way of looking at this. I know I did all I could. I really did. I never knew I was capable of such patience and forgiveness. 

Boundaries were definitely broken, repeatedly, and when I attempted to enforce them and stand up for my boundaries I was told I was controlling. I could never win in this relationship. I always felt I was on the losing side.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Some people's thought processes - their rationalizations, justifications, motivations, etc. - are just enough off-kilter to make our heads burn.

Your WW's rationale for hounding you for a child while she was leading a secret life with other men is in this category for me.

I would stop trying to understand her. I doubt that you ever will. I would also stop expecting that she will behave in any standard way re honor or decency. She can obviously construct a respectable facade, but in the end she hears a different, dysfunctional drummer.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

your marriage wasn't a lie, her's was.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I've posted about my wife's cheating on a few other threads. But a comment someone posted really stood out to me that never really dawned on me before - that my marriage was a lie from the beginning.
> 
> In 2007 my wife met a married man one month after we were engaged at a work conference. That man hit on her and ended up trying to take it physical later in the day after the two of them got drunk at the hotel bar. As far as I know, nothing happened. They began corresponding by email shortly thereafter and my wife lied about it. I was NOT happy with this but she convinced me there was nothing to worry about and I tried to just let it go. It could have been innocent initially because I didn't know of the nature or content of the emails until 2012 when I gained access to emails going back to late 2009. (At another conference in January 2009, they were drinking alone, in her hotel room, on her bed and he tried to kiss her.) Here's the full version for more reference: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/157617-emotional-affair-thoughts.html
> 
> ...



Yes, your marriage was a lie, on her part.

She was probably like this before you got engaged or even met.

The fact she met this guy many times, pics sent to each other, texting, saying she wishes for a time machine to be with him, tells me she probably had sex with him. No doubt.

If she loved you but had feeling for this other man, she would of told you and stopped seeing him but instead she saw him, secretly and we all know the rest.

She sounds like a woman who doesn't want to settle down, ever, just meet new guys and get around.

I wish you a painless divorce and find a good woman who loves and takes care of you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> But the thing that I'm really grappling with is - was my marriage a lie?


No. People in affairs often re-write their marital history.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

I have the same thoughts about my marriage. My Dday was in August 2013. We tried R, during which time she was supposed to be 100% transparent. Needless to say, I found a hidden email account where I found a bunch of emails between her and another man, her old boyfriend before we met (not the guy she had had the PA with). Before our marriage in 2010 and after, up til June 2013, she exchanged very intimate emails with this POS, wishing she was with him, asking for a green light from him to leave me, etc. There were always issues in our marriage, but it really wasn't that bad, I thought. Now that we're separated and she left my house and I'm talking to a lawyer about D, all of a sudden she "loves only me" "can't live without me" etc. Lol. We were together almost 5 years, and most of that time time I feel our relationship was a lie, at least on her part.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> But the thing that I'm really grappling with is - was my marriage a lie? It seems like my wife at least wrestled with feelings for another man, perhaps as early as our engagement, or at least early on in the marriage. And then took those feelings into those email correspondences. I'm having a hard time dealing with that thought. That EVERYTHING I did and gave and all the effort and love I put in went toward a lie. Not coping with that thought very well.


Well, you really were married legally and you did your part. So from your end, it was not a lie. Now you wife considered this an open marriage and lied to you in her vows, assuming she used the traditional ones of course. So, it was honest on your part, a lie on hers.

Kick her to the curb.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Well, you really were married legally and you did your part. So from your end, it was not a lie. Now you wife considered this an open marriage and lied to you in her vows, assuming she used the traditional ones of course. So, it was honest on your part, a lie on hers.
> 
> Kick her to the curb.


It's funny you mention vows.... I don't know how many times over the years she said I was dishonoring our marriage vows by not wanting to start for a family during the problems we were having. And that whole time she was dishonoring the vows through the lies and the EA and now with the physical cheating during our trial separation. Ugh. 

So many of you have made similar comments - that on my end my marriage was not a lie because I was always faithful and devoted to her but on her end it was a lie because of what she did. That's good perspective.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ah. So my post never made it. Useless 3G mobile service! 

Anyhow, let's try again.

Your wife is like an overweight little girl who finds herself trapped overnight in a sweetshop.

She knows she should pick the phone up to call for help to get out of the sweetshop, but she is surrounded by everything she knows she shouldn't eat! Biscuits (cookies) sweets (candy) chocolates, ice cream and more.

Instead of doing what she should, she starts to scoff everything.

So much so that she vomits all over herself. She doesn't even bother to clean herself up. She just starts eating more of the goodies until she throws up again.

The next morning the owner of the sweetshop arrives and finds utter carnage and a very ill, very fat girl.

Like you, he gets to clean up the mess she made. He uses a mop and bucket, you use a divorce.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Not a lie. At the time, it was quite real to you. So, those memories and experiences from your perspective are true representations of what it was like.

What has changed is *now you know* the information you had at the time was incomplete and would have changed your perceptions. So, this is “now”, that was “then”. They are both real. Almost like having two stories in your head of the same thing and it is tearing at you. I, because I want to shed the resentment, choose to value how I felt at the time more than how I feel about it now looking back. I forgave my younger self and his ignorance and accepted that I can’t change the past, only learn from it to change my future.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

MattMatt, 
That was GREAT. Thank you. It's all so true. She never respected boundaries and I don't think she ever will.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Racer said:


> Not a lie. At the time, it was quite real to you. So, those memories and experiences from your perspective are true representations of what it was like.
> 
> What has changed is *now you know* the information you had at the time was incomplete and would have changed your perceptions. So, this is “now”, that was “then”. They are both real. Almost like having two stories in your head of the same thing and it is tearing at you. I, because I want to shed the resentment, choose to value how I felt at the time more than how I feel about it now looking back. I forgave my younger self and his ignorance and accepted that I can’t change the past, only learn from it to change my future.


Racer,
What did you do in your situation?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP,

I have been on TAM for a couple of years now and had read so many different things here that it makes made head swim but honestly I do not know how you stayed so long. This betrayal in one of the most brutal I have ever been exposed to. EA or PA it does not really matter. The fact that she is so connected to him is glaring. 

I beg you to put this behind you and never look back. If you are not in IC then please do it for some more peace of mind. At the very least fall back on us when you struggle. I wish you nothing but the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> MattMatt,
> That was GREAT. Thank you. It's all so true. She never respected boundaries and I don't think she ever will.


Thank you. Glad to be of help. 

Just a thought. Was she sexually abused as a child or raped s a young girl? Many cheaters were, sadly.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

She was not sexually abused to my knowledge. A lot of people have asked me that. 

She was always highly sexual. She did tell me once in highschool at a party she was drunk and someone forced her to perform oral sex on them. But this was when she was at least 16 or 17. Her hypsersexuality was present before that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> She was not sexually abused to my knowledge. A lot of people have asked me that.
> 
> She was always highly sexual. She did tell me once in highschool at a party she was drunk and someone forced her to perform oral sex on them. But this was when she was at least 16 or 17. Her hypsersexuality was present before that.


It sounds likely, sadly. There's clearly something wrong, there.

My wife suffered abuse at the hands of a close relative, until she had the presence of mind to take a box knife with her and cut him up with it. At which point the abuse stopped.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Racer,
> What did you do in your situation?


R.... sort of. It isn't a 'true R' of puppy dogs and unicorns. More of a reconciliation with myself to stick it out in this marriage and find my own happiness. 

As long as I remain more or less 'happy', I'm staying... but she has been 'testing' that recently so hate to say it, but my 'morning sickness' is commonly wistfully thinking about divorcing her and creating exit strategies rather than working on the marriage. It's getting bad inside my noggin.

Example; I could have gone home from work an hour ago. I don't want to go home. That's not a good sign.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Racer,
I'm sorry. No, that's not a good sign at all. I've been there my friend. I've had days when I was afraid to go home because of the anger and verbal abuse my stbxwife would lash out. Not a good place to be.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

No plan A or B. Just a woman who lies. A man that trusted and "tried" for the right reasons even though the red flags were furiously flying in his face. Even with the information he knew still tried for separation and look what happened.

Just walk away. No need for second guessing and kicking your own a$$ over your decisions. Some people can't be saved and some people are inherently just dishonest. You walk away with a broken heart now but being brutally practical, you just saved a lot of heartache and mercifully any future kids from this impeding wreck.

Your marriage was not a lie because you entered into it in good faith but were being deceived. 

Hold your head up high.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Racer,
> I'm sorry. No, that's not a good sign at all. I've been there my friend. I've had days when I was afraid to go home because of the anger and verbal abuse my stbxwife would lash out. Not a good place to be.


Mine isn't even the anger and verbal abuse... that's non-existent for the most part. It's more like I'm immediately devalued in her head... I have an opinion, state it, and she dismisses it. So she does it her way, it blows up in her face, and then whines to me about it like I should 'fix it' for her. *Just like before.* She makes a choice, and instead of owning it or admitting failure, she somehow tries to make it my problem or it's blameshifted so somehow, my 'inaction' becomes the problem.

That's a problem with R. If it looks like before, your mind immediately makes that connection and you question why the hell you want to go through the heartache again. Over the fence looks not 'greener', but like more fertile land to rebuild your pasture because she slowly poisoning 'our land' through a lack of respect and zero nurturing.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I understand the feeling that the marriage was a lie. I have found data which shows clearly that she was lying to me from the very beginning. She has told me some things in the past 2 years, but there is more that I have found myself which she has not ever told me. Important things which would have been part of my decision process on dating or getting married.

2.5 yrs ago when she first told me of her abuse, so many pieces fell into place. So much finally made sense. This data would not have affected my decision to marry her (the issues were submerged back then) but it sure as heck would have changed the 30 yrs in between, when the issues came out in force after the wedding.

Anyhow, I realized she had let me suffer all those years when she knew what the issues were on her side. She pretended some things in order to cover things up. She let me take the blame for some of the problems, though she knew it was not the case.

When I found out, I felt as if literally the world had vaporized from below me. I realized that everything which I had believed about us was in fact an illusion.

Yes, there were genuine moments along the way. But the marriage was built on lies. The relationship was never what I thought it was. Nor was she who I thought she was. That, I guess, is the accurate way to look at it; she was living a lie.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

NewYearNewMe said:


> *Was my whole marriage a lie?*
> 
> Damn... NYNM... YES! I'm a BS... 30+ years married. Please Leave her in the wake.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

If by marriage you mean a holy temple that is never defiled and always perfect then YES!!

I don't like the baby thrown out with the bath water analogy that because a spouse cheats now that means "It as all a lie all fake!" that's not true.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@RWB, you don't have to say please, OP is one of those who has deals that need handled before he drops the hammer!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> I don't like the baby thrown out with the bath water analogy that because a spouse cheats now that means "It as all a lie all fake!" that's not true.


I don't either, but when your first month is supposed to be giddy and that is when this all started I can understand the comment or belief "it is all fake."


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I don't either, but when your first month is supposed to be giddy and that is when this all started I can understand the comment or belief "it is all fake."


That's what I meant by the original question. Yes, of course there were many good moments, but if she met this guy a month after we got engaged, gets drunk with him when he's flirty and hitting on her, then starts corresponding with him after promising not to.... It just felt like a blissful time was clouded by all this other stuff. I feel robbed of the joyful times I should have had because of my wife's choices. And I question her genuineness throughout the whole marriage. She emailed this guy when we were on vacation. When I took her to Napa for the weekend. It was all the time. I feel very betrayed and very stupid.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> That's what I meant by the original question. Yes, of course there were many good moments, but if she met this guy a month after we got engaged, gets drunk with him when he's flirty and hitting on her, then starts corresponding with him after promising not to.... It just felt like a blissful time was clouded by all this other stuff. I feel robbed of the joyful times I should have had because of my wife's choices. And I question her genuineness throughout the whole marriage. She emailed this guy when we were on vacation. When I took her to Napa for the weekend. It was all the time. I feel very betrayed and very stupid.


Sometimes people can feel nervous about getting engaged, knowing they are going to be joined with another person for the rest of their lives. For people in healthy, stable relationships the engagement period is filled with hopes and dreams of the future, but there can be stress and fears as well.

Your ex's behavior indicates real immaturity, neediness and a lack of loyalty to you. She liked the feeling of being wanted by other men, yet she should have only been concerned about you and her. Your bond with her was not secure, and her secretive behavior is not something you or almost anyone else would have expected. Dude, you were getting engaged... she had said "Yes" to being with you ostensibly tip the end. You were duped the same way many people are duped, but maybe you let her get away too easily with the original incident. Flirting is a big gray area, but the fact that she allowed any follow-up communication with him probably should have been a dead giveaway that she was not fully committed. She probably had What If thoughts about him and all that. That's not a marital foundation, not even a basic 'exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend' relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> She always told me this "friendship" was purely platonic and that nothing inappropriate happened.


Just based on the texts between them, it is abundantly apparent that this was not a platonic relationship.

At minimum, it was an emotional affair. At max, physical and emotional.



NewYearNewMe said:


> We are currently in a trial separation with the promise of not seeing any one else. She has broken that promise with multiple other men already.


Well, there you go.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I think after that amount of time, with different people. That just sets the tone. Everything else is just fuel to leave. For me that would be "your out" with head up. Scorch it, walk on man. Go find that hottie that thinks the your the cats jammies and you her. It can be done I can attest to that. You know the feeling and give your morals and love to someone who deserves it man. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Racer said:


> Mine isn't even the anger and verbal abuse... that's non-existent for the most part. It's more like I'm immediately devalued in her head... I have an opinion, state it, and she dismisses it. So she does it her way, it blows up in her face, and then whines to me about it like I should 'fix it' for her. *Just like before.* She makes a choice, and instead of owning it or admitting failure, she somehow tries to make it my problem or it's blameshifted so somehow, my 'inaction' becomes the problem.
> 
> That's a problem with R. If it looks like before, your mind immediately makes that connection and you question why the hell you want to go through the heartache again. Over the fence looks not 'greener', but like more fertile land to rebuild your pasture because she slowly poisoning 'our land' through a lack of respect and zero nurturing.



Wow!! Get out of my head and stop stealing my thoughts and ideas!! This is exactly the way I am right now and how my life is going, especially the thoughts about being "happy enough"! Sometimes I think I am just settling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife may well love you. But she somehow can't be faithful to you. Or to anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Your wife may well love you. But she somehow can't be faithful to you. Or to anyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some humans are just not monagamous, and she may very well be this type. These type of people can love, and I do believe she loves the OP, but no way can she ever tie herself down sexually to only him. She needs validation from multiple partners to feel whole. 

NewYears you need to end it and move on with your life. She may love you, but she will continue to break your heart no matter how hard you try with her. She simply cannot be faithful to you. 

I would tell her you are divorcing, and then I would tell her that she should never get married and put another poor guy through what she has put you through. She just would not be able to make a go of any marriage. She doesn't have it in her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Some humans are just not monagamous, and she may very well be this type. These type of people can love, and I do believe she loves the OP, but no way can she ever tie herself down sexually to only him. She needs validation from multiple partners to feel whole.


Agreed. She may just not be the monogamous type.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

I don't agree. If she was simply "not the monogamous type" and happy with that, she wouldn't have felt the need 2 keep it from the OP. ...or pretend she was the monogamous type 2 the extent of marrying the OP.

No, she's just a liar and a cheat. She wasn't ready for marriage then, and certainly still isn't.

OP, you dodged a bullet with this one. Run screaming from the room and never look back.

-ol' 2long


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2long said:


> I don't agree. If she was simply "not the monogamous type" and happy with that, she wouldn't have felt the need 2 keep it from the OP. ...or pretend she was the monogamous type 2 the extent of marrying the OP.


Some people are not monogamous. Perhaps she is and hasn't owned it, hence why she got married and kept it from him. Across the board, in a marriage, infidelity is considered wrong, which is why 9 out of 10 times, people hide an affair. Most people do not have an affair out in the open.

Just because someone gets married or goes as far as to marry someone, as you said, doesn't mean they are monogamous. Misguided, yes, but just because they signed a contract/married doesn't make a difference whether they are a one-woman/one-man kind of person or not.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

NewYearNewMe said:


> (At another conference in January 2009, they were drinking alone, in her hotel room, on her bed and he tried to kiss her.)


Translating this for you: They had sex. 

Sorry, not trying to be mean-spirited here, but I've seen too many of these scripts not to be able to translate this real simply.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Yeah, maybe she is just not the monogamous type. She is very very sexual. Maybe a person like that has a hard time being committed to just one person. But then, a lie is a lie. She knew she was doing wrong because she hid it and lied.

I always had doubts and questioned if she cheated or not. I always had the gut feeling and suspicion that she wasn't who she claimed to be. I'm sure there's more that I never knew. I'm already shocked by what I've learned just in the past few weeks. It's utterly sickening.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I got that with the first wife. Not who she represented herself as being. Hell, current W did the same kind of thing. And four other LTRs in between. Dang, what're the odds?

"Ya makes yer bets and ya takes yer chances."


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Just because someone gets married or goes as far as to marry someone, as you said, doesn't mean they are monogamous. Misguided, yes, but just because they signed a contract/married doesn't make a difference whether they are a one-woman/one-man kind of person or not.


My wife said she didn't believe in monogamy. But that was after her affair started, not before.

Revisionist his2ry, nothing more lofty than that.

-ol' 2long


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

NYNM

Your story made me sad. I'm sorry you experienced a not such a great relationship. You sound like a really nice guy. Your turn will come. Hang in there. It is a new year! 

~sammy


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> NYNM
> 
> Your story made me sad. I'm sorry you experienced a not such a great relationship. You sound like a really nice guy. Your turn will come. Hang in there. It is a new year!
> 
> ~sammy


Thanks Sammy! I appreciate the post. I am a pretty nice guy if I do say so myself :smthumbup:

I never thought I'd ever be in the position I am today but here I am. What I choose to do from here is up to me and so I'm trying to learn and grow as much as I can and get myself in a better place so that the next time around, I find myself a relationship where this doesn't happen. I saw signs and red flags that I should have listened to a lot closer. But I can't change the past. Only make a better future for myself. 

Thanks again for your post!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Very soon you will meet a woman, an emotionally healthy one.
You are going be feel sooo happy to realize the dead weight you just got rid off...


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Acabado,
Thank you. I really hope so. 

Someone on this forum posted, "Go give your goodness to someone who can give it back." That really stood out to me. I will find that person. It'll just take some time


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I know it's cynical, but I see all marriages where there is infidelity as a lie. Your stbxw is a real piece of work. I am extremely happy to hear you are divorcing her. You deserve far better, friend.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Acabado,
> Thank you. I really hope so.
> 
> Someone on this forum posted, "Go give your goodness to someone who can give it back." That really stood out to me. I will find that person. It'll just take some time


I like your optimism. I'm hoping to feel the same some day.

I truly look at women differently since dday. I know it's unfair, but I can't help it. I don't trust them.


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## s0medude (Jun 10, 2011)

Have you asked her why she married you? Anything at this point from her is probably going to be a lie, but I know if I were you I'd like to know why the woman I loved married me in the first place. 

Be strong and take care of yourself. This forum helped me out greatly over two years ago, and I know it will help you as well.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Healer and Somedude,
Thanks for the posts. I'm focusing on myself right now and trying to be as positive as I can. So much hurt and damage. Unreal.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

UPDATE:

I discovered a new nugget which ads to this whole sad and sick cheating puzzle. I found out that 14 years ago she still slept with her ex boyfriend, the guy she broke up with to be with me, for several months after her and I started dating. Why she broke up with him (not such a nice guy) to start to date me (pretty darn nice guy) but still had sex with him just blows my mind. I'm just so heartbroken that I gave 14 years to this person and there have been so many lies and secrets and cheating. 

There have been lies and cheating during all aspects of the relationship: dating, marriage, and trial separation. I didn't know that serial cheaters really existed until now. And I've been married to one. It's all surreal.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> 
> 
> There have been lies and cheating during all aspects of the relationship: dating, marriage, and trial separation. I didn't know that serial cheaters really existed until now. And I've been married to one. It's all surreal.


I understand that it seems surreal to you now.

However, it is quite real.

The good news is that you do not have to waste any more of your life on this loser. You can be happy without the cheating and lying spouse wreaking havoc in your life through their abuse and deception.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

It really is surreal. But reality is setting in to. The longer I'm out of this situation the more clearly I see.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> UPDATE:
> I didn't know that serial cheaters really existed until now. And I've been married to one. It's all surreal.


You start to wonder if it's more common than people think. You never considered yourself a chump and you never considered her a tramp. There's probably many more cases like this out there.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

staystrong said:


> You start to wonder if it's more common than people think. You never considered yourself a chump and you never considered her a tramp. There's probably many more cases like this out there.



I do wonder, yes. I bet there are a lot more cases of serial cheaters out there. I've just always tried to live my life honorably and am surrounded by similar people. It's hard to understand how someone who supposedly loved me could have been so deceptive and manipulative.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I do wonder, yes. I bet there are a lot more cases of serial cheaters out there. I've just always tried to live my life honorably and am surrounded by similar people. It's hard to understand how someone who supposedly loved me could have been so deceptive and manipulative.


Her behavior during your courtship is what sowed the seeds for all future behavior. 



> Why she broke up with him (not such a nice guy) to start to date me (pretty darn nice guy) but still had sex with him just blows my mind.


She liked the excitement of the bad boy and the companionship and love from you. Women inherently seek both.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Her behavior during your courtship is what sowed the seeds for all future behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> She liked the excitement of the bad boy and the companionship and love from you. *SOME*Women inherently seek both.


There I fixed it for you, not all women are like that.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I think most women would like to have both.. in the same man.

Same with men.. they'd love to have their woman being caring and sweet yet wild in the sack. 

Nothing wrong with that.


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

staystrong said:


> I think most women would like to have both.. in the same man.
> 
> Same with men.. they'd love to have their woman being caring and sweet yet wild in the sack.
> 
> Nothing wrong with that.


It's entirely possible for a woman to have those all three but a bad boy - a nice guy, not really unless you have two personas.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How did you find out about the additional fornication?

Monogamy is not so natural for **** sapiens, apparently.

The incredible thing is that the vows – they have no legal meaning – is no promise to be true to one's spouse that has any force of law. No fault means the state no longer expects fidelity. The expectation, rather is that monogamy is an option.

One can understand that lawmakers don't want courts involved in disputes about alleged sex acts: messy and degrading for the judges. Who would want to be the prosecutor discussing cum stained panties and text messages?

But the cultural expectations of marriage remain a central myth. Clearly you are not alone. Divorce is very common and infidelity is a major factor. How many betrayals begin as early as your wife's? I'll she is not as rare as we might wish to think.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe monogamy is just not for some people. Who knows. What I do know is that I have always been monogamous and always will be and I won't be with someone who is not. Period.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

It's hard to cope with the idea that I spent so many years with this person, gave of myself 110% every day. And then to know that there was so much behind the scenes, behind my back. It makes it hard to think I can trust someone again. It's beyond overwhelming.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You just got a bad apple. Woman are awesome. Go get one.

Just make sure to update your picker. A woman like your wife comes with many red flags.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

NewYearNewMe said:


> It's hard to cope with the idea that I spent so many years with this person, gave of myself 110% every day. And then to know that there was so much behind the scenes, behind my back. It makes it hard to think I can trust someone again. It's beyond overwhelming.


when all the other men are gone and her beauty fades, she will look you up to see what your life is like. Its up to you make that moment as "in your face" as possible. Married, kids, maybe grand kids, money, health, happiness. If you even a reasonable semblance of that, it will be like 1000 daggers to her heart.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's one thing to go thru a M and 7 years in they start to screw around, but to come out of the gate being a disloyal b!t h... Well that's just grounds to get the hell out!

Hell it's not like you broke her.... She was already broken when you met.

With that said..... You can walk away shaking your head why, but at the end of the dat it's her not you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Workindad,
> I'm going to D. She's been with 5+ other men since September when we promised to do a 6 month trial separation. She broke that promise after one week. There really isn't anything to go back to. Trust is completely destroyed. And yet, in her mind, this is all my fault because I didn't want to start a family with this drama going on.



Why would she keep this promise when a vow before God and family didn't stop her from seeing another man?


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

I’ve had a very similar experience to you. Consider yourself extremely lucky (or smart) that you had no children with her. It would not have made a difference in your marriage; she would have cheated and lied even if you had kids. But you are free to go and are blessed to not be forcibly attached to this monster for the rest of your life. Dude you dodged a bullet.

I think it’s a good thing that you entered a marriage, and gave of yourself. That means your heart was in the right place, and that you stepped up to the plate as a man. Bring that to your next relationship, and use this heart break as a motivation to make this work for you. The worst things in life often set up the best things, so commit yourself to use this pain to improve your life. That was my attitude from the day I figured out my wife was lying and cheating, no matter what I was not going to suffer in vain. It took me a year of trying to R before I truly understood that it was a hopeless cause. However I don’t see myself as stupid to try to R. I view it as an honorable thing to try to save the family, but it was impossible with a bankrupt soul on the other side.

In my case I needed to understand who my wife was before I could let go. If you are like me and need to gain this understanding please read the link I’ve included. Most people who have affairs and are not remorseful, are narcissists. What you have described here she fits this bill…so read up on it. I especially got a lot from the comments in the attached. They are not capable to truly loving another on more than a surface level; there is nothing you could have done, they need attention from men and will always seek it. I’m sure my X has been with several men since, and it’s not totally easy to sit around healing from the devastation she caused, while she is running around like nothing happened. But in the long term, these monsters only create pain and torment, while you have the chance at true happiness.

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist | A Shrink for Men


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Justadude,
Thanks so much for your reply. And the link. I don't know if you saw my other post, but I also think she has Borderline Personality Disorder. That post is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/156905-please-help-possible-bpd-wife.html

I really appreciate your words. I know that I have to look at the positives and you make such a great point: that this hardship will set me up for something really great down the road. I think, since I'm still in the thick of all this, that it's hard to see that far ahead. But I know a better future is out there. 

I'm sorry you've gone through a similar situation. I can very much relate to the attempts at R. I tried everything. Therapy, church marriage retreat, you name it. Just nothing worked. But I had to exhaust every option for my own peace of mind. I too had to understand that the person I thought my wife was and who she actually is - through her lies and deception - are two different people.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Justadude,
Yep, just read the 13 signs of a possible BPD or NPD.... I would say that she relates to some degree or another on almost every single one! 

Thanks again for the link. I'm reading the comments now.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Wow! I just read your other thread about BPD, and I relate to almost all of it! I used to think my X suffered from BPD or sever anxiety (she thought it was anxiety) and she took various anti-depressants over the course of our marriage. I used to think that it could be managed with mediation, but she would never stick to taking it long term, and she never wanted anything to do with counseling. Now I’m convinced it was all NPD. 

She was bad with money, obsessed with her looks, flirted with guys all the time, had no real long term friends, in fact the only people in her life are people she is getting something from. She is a user. On the other hand if she did anything for me, it was resented and continually used against me. 

I would try, and try, to make it work, and she would take my efforts and turn them around on me. This stuff will make you insane, and it sucked the spirit out of me! I felt suicidal at times, I remember walking with her in the mall and fantasizing about jumping over the railing and plunging to my death. Because I didn’t see a way out, it’s almost like they want to destroy your soul. 

You are dealing with the same. There’s a possibility she is a psychopath. I read a very good book on it (link to cheap Kindle edition.) They link Psychopaths and Narcissists together, and most of what’s in the book rang true for me. 

Amazon.com: Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People eBook: Peace: Kindle Store

You seem to be just like me, a decent Christian man, who was used an abused by a creature from hell….and you really want to understand what the hell happened to you! It’s really sad to think how they will end up, but I gave 10 years of my life and tried my best to help her…and that’s enough. Case closed for me…I did my fair share. Adultery is a legit cause for divorce in the Bible, so take off your sandals and smack the dust off them…you are done!

Now that we are apart I am finally at peace. Now I see there is no need to live like this, and I now that I have tasted freedom there’s no going back. Of course there were good times like you describe, but I have to agree with you those were lies. I looked at her often trying to reconcile the good and the evil…I used to believe she was really the good side and that with my help the evil could lessen, and maybe go away. Now I believe the opposite. Her natural self is evil, and the good side is the act.

Just take it day by day. I’m still healing a year later, and I think I’m close to the point where I will get back in the game and start dating, you are much younger than I so you have plenty of time to get your act together. I’ve really worked on my co-dependency issues, and if you were with her that long, you have them too. I believe we did play a part in this, our co-dependency made us targets for them. They can pick up on this, and the best defense against this type of person is internal strength. When I’m back in the dating scene I must have the confidence and strength to have standards of acceptable behavior, and not settle for less. I don’t care how hot they are, or how good the sex is…there is nothing worth the misery they create.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

"Was my whole marriage a lie? " - IMHO, YES!!! You are NOT a lie but your wife & marriage are. Image if someone over the years was observing your marriage and seeing all your wife was doing. Wouldn't they see your wife as a fraud? How can a marriage based on fraud not be a lie?


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Justadude,
We really do sound a lot alike. Want to grab a beer? I feel like we could swap war stories. 

I know that the healing process will take some time. I already feel myself slowly healing but I'm under no illusion that it will be easy. I knew this relationship was taking its toll on me but I never really fully grasped the damage until now. The circles and cycles that we went on, just overwhelming. When things were good, they were great! I was a happy camper. But that shoe always had to drop. 

It's hard to let her go, but at the same time, I know I need to RUN.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

If you are ever in the Atlanta area I would love to! I'm sure we have both just scratched the surface of the wealth of stories we have endured. Lol. I feel that sharing our experiences with sane people...especially others who have suffered thru it. Give us reinforcement that we were not crazy...just married to a crazy person.


NewYearNewMe said:


> Justadude,
> We really do sound a lot alike. Want to grab a beer? I feel like we could swap war stories.
> 
> I know that the healing process will take some time. I already feel myself slowly healing but I'm under no illusion that it will be easy. I knew this relationship was taking its toll on me but I never really fully grasped the damage until now. The circles and cycles that we went on, just overwhelming. When things were good, they were great! I was a happy camper. But that shoe always had to drop.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Justadude said:


> If you are ever in the Atlanta area I would love to! I'm sure we have both just scratched the surface of the wealth of stories we have endured. Lol. I feel that sharing our experiences with sane people...especially others who have suffered thru it. Give us reinforcement that we were not crazy...just married to a crazy person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes! Sharing with others is the thing that is helping me recover most. What about you? What other things have you done to help recover and move yourself past this?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You guys should get a room. But, because of your wives you should use protection.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

illwill said:


> You guys should get a room. But, because of your wives you should use protection.


:rofl:


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> She’s going to think whatever she needs to think to make herself a good person in her own mind. Facts don’t matter to her and don’t let it get to you. Thank God you didn’t have kids.


B i n g o .


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I too struggle with my whole marriage being a lie. Today there is not one memory that I can truly say was real on his part. As I have taken him at face value from day one for all that he said to now find out that it is not true. This makes it all that much harder to find anything good left in my fairy tail. The whole marriage was not real since he lied from day one. I keep saying I will post my story but I have not yet found another like it yet everything about it is the same as everyone Else's. Lies of the true nature of someone lies about their values in life and relationship broken.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jupiter, I'd be interested in hearing your story. It could be cathartic for you to write it.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Jupiter, 
I'm sorry for your situation. It's a horrible realization to find that the person you cared so much about, and gave some much to, lied and manipulated throughout your time together. Like Thor said, it is so cathartic to write it out and share your experience.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> ...*we promised to do a 6 month trial separation.*


*Trial Separations! In theory, they sound so good and promising; but in practicality, they are nothing more than an overt license for the WS to begin cheating, or to continue in that sordid endeavor by letting it escalate to higher levels, totally unbeknownst to the BS!*


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Trial Separations! In theory, they sound so good and promising; but in practicality, they are nothing more than an overt license for the WS to begin cheating, or to continue in that sordid endeavor by letting it escalate to higher levels, totally unbeknownst to the BS!*


Yeah, I was actually very hopeful that the trial separation would help bridge the divide and make a difference. She spoke so positively that it was an opportunity to save the marriage. Heck, that's why I was up 24 hours straight moving her 7 hours away. You are so right, it was a license for her to cheat despite repeated promises she would not. I feel like such a fool for believing someone who had already lied and cheated before.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Yeah, I was actually very hopeful that the trial separation would help bridge the divide and make a difference. She spoke so positively that it was an opportunity to save the marriage. Heck, that's why I was up 24 hours straight moving her 7 hours away. You are so right, it was a license for her to cheat despite repeated promises she would not. I feel like such a fool for believing someone who had already lied and cheated before.


Think about this...while she was talking to you positively about the trial seperaion, she was probably planning her first affair.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> I was up 24 hours straight *moving her 7 hours away.*


Hindsight is 20/20, but if I move that far away from someone it means I don't want to work on anything. No, this isn't a 100% fact, but it what I now believe.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Yes, to know that the person you loved somehow loves in a different way. Or did they ever truly love?

What a question.

Who can truly answer it? But it doesn't matter. You deserve someone who loves the way you love. And you will have it. As hard as it is you have to move on. Clearly this person isn't someone who deserves trust. Who deserves the kind of love you are willing to give.

There are support groups out there. I've found them. You can usually talk a marriage counselor into individual therapy, which helped me immensely.

But you deserve to be loved the way you love. Do not forget it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I've posted about my wife's cheating on a few other threads. But a comment someone posted really stood out to me that never really dawned on me before - that my marriage was a lie from the beginning.


Not saying it was me.. But I know I have said that several times.. 

Regardless after 19 years that is the hard reality I had to accept myself.. 

There are many things you will dwell on as this divorce proceeds. There is nothing you can do about it. 

Personally I have zero issues telling anyone what my EX did.. I can only hope that one day they meet and they can say OH, you're that woman.. 

For me having the kids basically validates my story about her.. 

I must be shallow because I do compare the GF to the Ex and the GF wins hands down.. Age wise, physically, sexually, financially and she never cheated on me. 

You might not forget but eventually it dulls. I know that my Ex past EA's eventually dulled away.. So I know so will this stuff.

Its a great lesson learned even if its very harsh..


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I feel like such a fool for believing someone who had already lied and cheated before.


it really makes me sad to read this. 
it sucks out loud to open up, allow ourselves to be vulnerable against our better judgment, then get the shaft again.

my hope for you is that you don't let it happen again.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> But you deserve to be loved the way you love. Do not forget it.


Thank you for this. I'm having a really hard day today so this was a good quote. I won't forget it.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Thanks guys. I appreciate all your posts. 

I'm having a really hard day today. All the thoughts. Thinking what could I have done more, done differently. That certain things were my fault. That I could have done better. The spinning circling thoughts are driving me crazy today. Since I was with her since I was 17, this is really my first real break up with someone. Sounds stupid I know, but I'm having a hard time with it even though so much bad stuff has happened. I hold on to the good things. The good memories. What a day.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're in the low point of the emotional roller coaster. Go out with friends and try to have a good time, or get something to occupy your time. The point being is to keep busy and not thinking about her.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> You're in the low point of the emotional roller coaster. Go out with friends and try to have a good time, or get something to occupy your time. The point being is to keep busy and not thinking about her.


I'm trying to keep really busy. I had been doing pretty well. But today is definitely a step backward kind of day. Not an easy day that's for sure.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I'm trying to keep really busy. I had been doing pretty well. But today is definitely a step backward kind of day. Not an easy day that's for sure.


Believe me, we've been there. Actually, being 7 hours away from her will help you detach better. It takes time. As time goes by, the highs and the lows of the emotional roller coaster starts to level out.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> Believe me, we've been there. Actually, being 7 hours away from her will help you detach better. It takes time. As time goes by, the highs and the lows of the emotional roller coaster starts to level out.


I'm really hoping so. I've gone through several days where I felt pretty good and in a good place. That I was doing the right thing by divorcing. Then I have a day like today when all those thoughts and doubt and self-blame occur. This whole thing is just so exhausting.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I'm really hoping so. I've gone through several days where I felt pretty good and in a good place. That I was doing the right thing by divorcing. Then I have a day like today when all those thoughts and doubt and self-blame occur. This whole thing is just so exhausting.


If you need to, see a doctor who might possibly prescribe you some meds that can help stabilized your emotions.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I'm really hoping so. I've gone through several days where I felt pretty good and in a good place. That I was doing the right thing by divorcing. Then I have a day like today when all those thoughts and doubt and self-blame occur. This whole thing is just so exhausting.


Wish I was 7 hours away from my stbx if only ! 

Stay strong NWNM. 

This is normal - two steps forward, one back, one step forward one back, bang ! three steps back - start again two steps forward etc etc This is how it works 

Eventually you get a few steps in front and the one back that although hurts is manageable

Chin up


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Headspin said:


> Wish I was 7 hours away from my stbx if only !
> 
> Eventually you get a few steps in front and the one back that although hurts is manageable
> 
> Chin up


Thanks Headspin. I know it's a long road. And I have better days. But then you have the [email protected] ones. Probably doesn't help that Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I should remind myself that the day after Valentines Day last year, she sent the man she had the EA with an email that said something like, "For you I have wished, and will forever wish for a time machine." I need to think of that kind of stuff when I get nostalgic. Why do I have to keep thinking of the positives?! lol


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## Rev. Clonn (Nov 11, 2013)

New year, lets plan for you to have a better person to give your heart to next valentines day, one who loves and deserves you.
I am sorry you are here but glad you have the chance to have a better life, with a better wife.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Thanks Rev. Clonn. I really appreciate that. I have to figure out how I'm going to get to that point. This whole experience has really shaken me to my core.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Take a look at the red flags you ignored. And there were a lot. That is how you limit the chance of this happening again.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

illwill said:


> Take a look at the red flags you ignored. And there were a lot. That is how you limit the chance of this happening again.


Illwill, that's simple but really great advice. I had feelings along the way that made me doubt. I chose to ignore them and try to focus on the good. But in the end that got me in this position. At least now, after having gone though this, I'm more aware of what to look for. I've learned the really hard way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hell we all have!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

You and me, though we have had vastly different, and vastly similar experiences, I can really relate. I hope you keep posting. Even when people have been very negative to me here I've been able to find the positive out of it, and you wouldn't believe how insanely helpful (Thorburn) turned out to be.

Never found a more supportive place.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> You and me, though we have had vastly different, and vastly similar experiences, I can really relate. I hope you keep posting. Even when people have been very negative to me here I've been able to find the positive out of it, and you wouldn't believe how insanely helpful (Thorburn) turned out to be.
> 
> Never found a more supportive place.


Rusty,
I'm glad you were able to find the support you needed. In what ways are our situations similar and different?


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Had to reread my post today to remind myself that I'm doing the right thing. That this marriage never really had a chance to thrive much less survive.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Had to reread my post today to remind myself that I'm doing the right thing. That this marriage never really had a chance to thrive much less survive.


After re-reading this thread, I wonder how you can even question yourself. I'll call a spade a spade. She's a very loose woman, and will bang any man who looks her way. She was cheating on your before and many times after your marriage. You were just the steady guy. She is a true cake eater.

But shes 7 hours away. Have you been dating to help yourself heal?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Yeah, I was actually very hopeful that the trial separation would help bridge the divide and make a difference. She spoke so positively that it was an opportunity to save the marriage. Heck, that's why I was up 24 hours straight moving her 7 hours away. You are so right, it was a license for her to cheat despite repeated promises she would not. I feel like such a fool for believing someone who had already lied and cheated before.


*Same way here, NewYear! My rich skanky XW had me moved 25 miles away over in an adjacent county. The "trial separation" was solely her idea after what I now believe was an "Emmy Award winning performance" of a meltdown which I didn't even begin to question. In reality, the logic of her TS proposal actually sounded better than rational.

But I knew absolutely nothing about her then ongoing out-of-town hanky-panky activities with her BF's until some 10 months after the separation began.

Boy, was I ever a dupe!*


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Same way here, NewYear! My rich skanky XW had me moved 25 miles away over in an adjacent county. The "trial separation" was solely her idea after what I now believe was an "Emmy Award winning performance" of a meltdown which I didn't even begin to question. In reality, the logic of her TS proposal actually sounded better than rational.
> 
> But I knew absolutely nothing about her then ongoing out-of-town hanky-panky activities with her BF's until some 10 months after the separation began.
> 
> Boy, was I ever a dupe!*


Arbitrator,
So sorry that you too were fooled. They really can put on an Emmy winning performance to manipulate us into thinking one thing and then doing whatever they want. I stupidly should have known she was going to use the trial separation just as an excuse to continue her wayward activities.

LordMayhem,
No, I haven't started dating yet. I'm taking some real time to heal and do some soul searching. Exercising a lot, doing things that I enjoy and spending time with good decent people. This whole experience has just completely taken the wind out of my sails.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Had to reread my post today to remind myself that I'm doing the right thing. That this marriage never really had a chance to thrive much less survive.


You know, if you think of it - You did the only thing you could have done. To see what was real and what was not.

If you stayed together, she more than likely would have been in false R mode. Just biding her time and increasing your suffering even more at the same time.

If she still was in contact with the OM, you would have either caught her and been where you are Today. Or, she'd have said "OH well, I tried" and left you for him anyway.

I have to say that there was a chance at true R, but it would have been slimmer than a bulimic fashion model during swimsuit season.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

:iagree:


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

WOW! 10 months go by since the last post before OP replied.

OP I hope your doing b!tchin'


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> WOW! 10 months go by since the last post before OP replied.
> 
> OP I hope your doing b!tchin'


Thanks!

Divorced and dating again!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No. You marriage was not a lie, nor was it a sham.

However, your wife's marriage? It was a lie and it was a sham.

Filing for divorce was the best way to fix the problem she inflicted on you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does she try to engage you?


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Does she try to engage you?


Yeah, every once in a while I'll hear from her. She would send me selfies every now and then for whatever reason, even when she was in a relationship with her now fiance. That's right, she's already engaged.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

No the marriage was real, because you made it real. As for your ex, she found something stable in you and you saw the potential of what she could be. The OM? They really weren't a factor as this was not really about any man in her life, it is all about her. She will never be truly happy with anyone, because she is not happy with herself. That is all water under the bridge, go live a worthy life and leave her to be her own demise.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You can put stop to the selfies by telling her to include a few of her and her financier....errrr, I mean fiance together, if you know what I mean.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

VFW said:


> No the marriage was real, because you made it real. As for your ex, she found something stable in you and you saw the potential of what she could be. The OM? They really weren't a factor as this was not really about any man in her life, it is all about her. She will never be truly happy with anyone, because she is not happy with herself. That is all water under the bridge, go live a worthy life and leave her to be her own demise.


Thank you VFW. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do now. Excellent and accurate perspective, I think that's spot on. All there is to do now is learn from all this and move on to a healthier and happier life for myself.


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## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> You can put stop to the selfies by telling her to include a few of her and her financier....errrr, I mean fiance together, if you know what I mean.


:rofl: Phoenix that's hilarious. Yeah, the selfies finally stopped. But over the past year, I had at least a dozen. One was even of her legs in the bathtub to show me she was actually texting from the bathtub. I wish I was joking. Again, all while she was in another "committed" and "exclusive" relationship.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

NewYearNewMe said:


> Yeah, every once in a while I'll hear from her. She would send me selfies every now and then for whatever reason, even when she was in a relationship with her now fiance. That's right, she's already engaged.


Well thats got to be a good thing that she has moved on. Mine has nothing to do but mess with the kids and me. Wish she would move on. I don't know what happened as she was on such a roll with all those other men.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Well thats got to be a good thing that she has moved on. Mine has nothing to do but mess with the kids and me. Wish she would move on. I don't know what happened as she was on such a roll with all those other men.


Until they rolled off...


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