# He goes limp-everytime!



## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi all- *Just wondering if it is normal for a man to go limp about 5min into sex, EVERY time we have sex anymore!* This has been going on for about a yr, and I've been patient but now I'm feeling a bit of a blow to my self esteem. We have been together 12yrs and really never had 'alot' of sex, about once or twice a week was ave. Then it dwindled to 1-2 times a mo, now I try for at least once a wk. In the past I had never denied him when he wanted it but I usually did wait for him to initiate it. It has been mos since he has cum even though we try, and I feel bad for him AND me. I give bj's, he has never been too enthused about them (he said he never has with any woman) he like it on top, but gets worn out so I hop up on top but it is hard to jump up and down on a limp noodle He says he likes it on top better because of being able to control it (not exactly sure what that means). He says he is still very much attracted to me. I offer to buy sexy nighties but he says that's useless because they are just gonna come right off. I initiated sex the other night while he was on the computer and asked if it would help to have porn on there, he said he didn't want to watch porn but we went at it on the computer desk and he still went limp

What do you guys think? Is he just not 'in to me' anymore? I've asked him to go to doc, he doesn't want to. He does drink a lot and he says that is what the problem is, but it never effected his erection in the past, only this past yr. I'm open to trying anything except inviting others into our bedroom, which he says he couldn't do anyway.

Also, he never seems to initiate anymore, I do, and he tries to act like he wants it but my 'woman's intuition' tells me he really doesn't feel like it. 

Stumble


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This indicates a medical problem. Is he currently on medication? He needs to see a doctor.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi 827Aug- I to thought about it being medical. He has not been to a doc in the yrs we've been together, he just refuses to go. He has hlth ins. but I cannot get him to go! He says he just can't discuss that w/ a doc. I know he is embarrassed, (I work in the med field) and I told him they hear these problems all the time and he doesn't need to feel intimidated. He said 'They will just tell me I need to quit drinking.' And I'm sure he does need to, but he is just so stubborn about this subject. He said that id he has a hlth prob he would rather not know. Now that you have confirmed my feelings about it being medical, I'm getting pretty worried


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He's long overdue for a check up then. I honestly don't know how for you to get him to the doctor though. Many times ED can be a symptom. Is he diabetic? High blood pressure? You have no way to know what is really CAUSING the ED until he gets a physical. Plus he needs to curtail his drinking as well.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I guess I can just make him an appt w/ my doc and tell my doc about his reluctance to go. I'm almost positive he will just ditch the appt, however! Maybe I should post a thread on 'How to drag your man to the doc!' Our daughter heard us talking about how he needs to go to the doctor one day (she is 6) and she told him that the shot only hurts for a second, and then you will get to pick out any sticker you want!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

LOL! Be sure he gets his sticker!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Make the appointment and go with him (at least to make sure he gets there). Explain to him that his health is more important than anything else and while he is there getting checked, he should ask about this issue.

I talk about a lot of intimate, personal things with my doctor. She is compassionate and caring and makes it very easy to talk about these things. He should not be afraid to talk to his.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Chris- I think u are right, I will go w/ him. He doesn't remember the last time he's been to a doc, so we will go to mine. I will discuss this w/ him tonight, I will beg if I have to. I don't know what to do if he still refuses. We'll see!
Stumble


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Men are stubborn, and they like to think they are strong, in fact, they are not. They cry a lot, just secretly. 

Men don't like to go to doctors, that means they admit they are weak. And that's why men die sooner than women. Because when we have problems, we seek help right away. 

You have a tough problem, he won't try any thing. 
Is it OK to try to starve him and don't give him anything to eat? But then you have to suffer too!

Wish I could help!


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## kimie (Sep 23, 2010)

every time you pressure the guy he ll feel it worse....he knows something is wrong; As 827 says he may be diabetic or just stressed to hell: Pressure wont help but finding some non pressured situation where you are just intimate and touchy will help.
No pressure for sex and see what happens after a few such times he may take the lead and things may firm up so to speak


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Kimie- I have really tried to not pressure him, but we have been debating his going to the doc for years, not just because we can't have sex anymore, but because he is 46 yrs old and can't remember the last time he went. He is worried they are going to tell him he is dying or something, when all it could be is that he has low testosterone. (Which I think may be the problem, cause back when he could get off, not all that much came out.) Yes, I miss sex, and I don't pressure him to have sex, he told me he felt like a loser so I have just been doing some 'things' to try to see if it helps him out, like maybe he just wasn't getting excited about sex anymore. But, I guess I will just back-off and let him make his own decision. I had an appt made for him last Fri, but he told me I had to cancel because he was working too far away to make it on time. He will always come up w/ an excuse. The thing is, we have a 6yr old, shouldn't he want to take care of his health if not only for her benefit?


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear about this. I bet he feels worse than you do. It is very embarassing for a man when he cannot get an erection, or if he goes limp. Debilitating to his ego.

Women are lucky. We can fake being aroused - we use KY Jelly. We can fake an orgasm - we moan. Men cannot fake either. Men are lucky in other ways - their orgasm comes easily.

Keep us posted - I hope he goes to the doctor with you.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's medical hands down!!! 

This may sound silly I'm mid/late 30's and had a bout with not going limp, but just not rock solid or 90% rock solid  

Looking back (4 years ago) so early/mid thirties at the time......I was at my Fattest ever!! 253lbs, not exercising, not eating right which if you knew me would have to be a joke!

For the last 3.5 years I've been back down to my lean and mean 225lbs and never had a issue, but I also eat a clean diet again and workout daily.

Diabetes and high blood pressure can both affect his performance it's not a arousal thing.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yes, with men, physical health (overweight, smoking, hypertension,) really does mean a lot.

One thing to assess before seeing a physician is if he has morning wood (around 6 a.m.) and communicate that to the doctor.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Yes, the morning wood thing. At your husband's age, not all guys wake with it, I know mine does not. And this played on my mind terribly for awhile. I used to roll over & touch him hoping to feel this in the wee hours of every morning, just for assurance. Sometimese it was there and I was elated, knew his body was doing it's job. But more times than not, it was not there. The wood is random. But I also know we have alot of sex , near daily, and he has had his Testosterone checked, and he does not have the levels of other men his age, but almost 200 points lower, according to the Encronologist. He has never been a man with HIGH energy either. 

I know from reading alot, heavier men usually have lower Test levels (but not always), also if he has brain fog, falling asleep after work, loss of sexual desire, alot of ongoing stress can lower it too. Or it may be a little lowering of that, plus some high blood pressure (have him tested at Walmart at least), or get a Monitor. Does he have Diabetes in the family at all ? Have him tested for this also, if a friend has some test strips, poke him , get a result. High cholesterol, all of these things combined can be silently reaking havoc down there & affecting functioning. 

Also drinking before sex will do these things. 

If he keeps refusing to get help, he needs to know you may be walking out that door sometime very soon. A woman can only take so much, he needs to care about your needs.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

^^^^^^^^^
I never get morning wood and have no problems at all! In fact I hate morning sex too.....blech.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Nocturnal penile tumescence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Here is a good synopsis on the reason you should relay the presence of morning wood or not.

And what's the matter with morning sex? It's great. Your woman doesn't have to even wake up entirely  No foreplay necessary either as the woman has the counterpart of penile tumescence and is a little lubricated down there.

Your brain is in fantasy mode too.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Thank everyone for the help. Thanks SA, you know my story and your advice is always appreciatedScannerguard, I read the link you gave about the morning wood, well he does wake up w/ one about 2-3 times a wk, but after he goes pee he can't get it back up or it goes limp after a few min. I'm guessing by the article that maybe it is psychosomatic? Which is interesting, in talking to him a couple of days ago he told me he has some resentment to me because he has always felt second best to my first husband. My divorce was 12yrs ago, and my ex-H died this past Feb and I did take it pretty hard, I tried to not let it show how upset I was about it but I guess he still knew. I told him his feelings are justified, but since our daughter was born I have dedicated myself to putting them first, I've worked hard on letting my feelings about my ex go. When we got together after my ex and I split, I was very open to him about my feelings and how hard I was taking the divorce. I even told him that he did not want to bother w/ me because of all I was going through. HE kept after me, I had my own place for 2yrs, and he would not leave me alone, and in my emotional state I half-heartedly accepted him into my life. Now that I have dedicated myself to our relationship, he is bringing up his resentment to me. I asked him if he could get past this, or did he want to call it quits. He said he could not imagine a life w/out me and he loves me very much, he does not want to break up ever. He said he doesn't know if his erection problem is medical or emotional. I told him I just cannot see myself living out the rest of my life without any affection. Not just sex, I don't get hugs, kisses (other than a peck). I asked him if he wanted to go to counseling and he said he did not. I don't want to lose him esp. for the sake of our daughter, I fear she will take it extremely hard. I'm lost as to what to do.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Nocturnal penile tumescence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> Here is a good synopsis on the reason you should relay the presence of morning wood or not.
> 
> ...


I'm a 5 course meal guy! Give me a option I'll pick evenings, candles, red wine, baths, some nicely bleached sheets and that whole 5 course meal everytime over morning sex.

I'm not saying I'll turn down morning sex it's a anomaly that has happened once in the lat 6 months and that was at a hotel. To be honest it sort of sucked because it's not the whole 9 yards.

That's why we are all different though different strokes for different folks.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Stumblealong,

No, it's not necessarily psychosomatic because a full bladder and a full rectum affects/increases the clamping ability of the vessels down there so he is getting an "extra boost" from the backed-up plumbing in the morning. Once he pees, that's gone and he's unable to maintain.

I think honestly what a good physician would do (and I am not a urologist/internal medicine guy) is give him some Viagra, cialis, levitra. A good physician would also take a thorough history and do an exam (a lost art these days) and make sure there are no "co-morbidities" (other conditions that could be causing this - this is where I reach the limit of my diagnostic yen).

Okay, assuming nothing else wrong, they'd probably give him some meds and then report back and see what happened. 

BTW, he still needs some stimulation if he's going to do those meds. It's not like you swallow a pill and "bing!", you know?

If it works, he probably has some physical aspect (don't we all?) to work on. A good physician will keep giving him the sex meds. . .on the condition he drops weight, eats better, stops smoking, etc.

Now. . .about you grieving for your first husband. . .that's a toughie. He needs to know that it is perfectly normal and has nothing to do with how you feel about him and dedicated you are to your own marriage.

I totally get it as a guy divorcing. I remember grasping at the beginning, "Hey, I was supposed to be there for her when she got sick one day, hold her hand in bed, and now that's not going to happen. Some other guy will do that." I had this immense fear that I was going to behave like a blubbering idiot one day when I find out something bad has happened to my stb-x's health and then I would lose whatever person I was with.

You grieved for what could have been.

Crap. . .it's so complicated I know. . .I wish I could tell him what you and he are feeling is perfectly normal and if he wants to get closer to you (sexually and romantically), the best thing he could do. . .is grieve with you.

Really, it's that simple - grieve with you and how couldn't he *NOT *be #1 in your life after that. I would expect any divorcing woman (and I think I'd like to remarry a divorcee) to have those feelings for her first too and that's what I would plan to do.

As a cyberdoc, I would recommend a 3 pronged approach to this - 

1. Physical (as outlined above - this is only a symptomatic treatment)
2. Psychological (some brief counseling - 2-6 sessions, maybe more. . .there is also a lack of affection issue which hasn't been explored at all either)
3. Wellness - you both should place health as a Top priority on your list. So should all Americans.

Good luck. Sorry I have no prescription pad but call your family doc up and see if he/she jives with my take.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Thanks Scannerguard This is a huge complication for us right now and seems to be driving a wedge between us. For me it is the lack of any affection at all. I will admit in the past I was not the most affectionate person w/ him (but neither was he) and it was not a real issue. But here lately I have been wanting it so bad, just to be hugged, just touched. I guess these feelings have come about since my ex died, not sure why NOW I feel the need for affection (my ex and I were very touchy feely with each other, maybe that is where it stems from). I have told him my feelings and he says he may just need time to 'learn' how to be affectionate. HoHum. I guess I wait. I will once again try to get him into the doc's, if he makes me cancel this time I'm done with trying the doctor thing. I refuse to be his mommy. He is not overweight, more on the skinny side, but he does smoke and drinks at least a 12pk a night, and has told me he does not want to give up these things, and I think this is why he refuses to go to doc because he doesn't want to be told to stop (well actually he has told me this is one reason he doesn't go to the doc). Thanks again scannerguard, We'll see how this all plays out!
Stumble


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Stumblealong,

I think his erectile issue is much more likely physical than psychological, it needs a good urologist's insights, too many GPs just don't know enough, don't want to get into erectile/performance issues and think a pill will fix the problem.

Pills are not always effective though they help many.

Low testosterone can be caused by many many physical issues. The test is a simple blood test, as he is still producing T one can use creams applied to abdomen and chest daily, if levels are very low (under 100) I would recommend bi-weekly injections of T. They are easy, can be self administered, but he needs instruction from a nurse - T is a very viscous injectable, needs to be warmed to body temperature before filling a syringe.

Anyone reading this who wants more information please contact me back channel, I finally put instructions into a easy to follow format.

If his T levels get up into the normal range, and pills aren't effective, there are alternatives that work. You can find them if you google
erectile problems

FYI one of the chemo therapy agents I received some years back stopped my body from producing T, I self inject and have very acceptable levels and actions. I was the one who suggested to my bright GP that some of the symptoms I was encountering where due to low T levels, some are similar to your H's.

Mark


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Mark- I agree it sounds like low T, and even though Ive had this thought, I have not mentioned this to him. Maybe if he feels that it can be 'taken care of' easily I will be more successful at getting him to the doc, but he needs a referral from a family physician to get to a urologist according to his ins. I will be lucky in getting him to one doc, let alone 2 doc's. I've known this man a long time and if it gets into any kind of 'complicated' injections or if he has to keep seeing the doc regularly, he will bail. Sex is just not all that important to him. I will talk to him about this tonight and see where we end up. thanks again.
Stumble


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*Testosterone levels, cream and shots.*

Hi Stumble,

Before you mention shots please know that a lot of GPs will have free samples of Testim, the cream, which will raise T levels noticeably, mine went up 200+ points, but I started at zero and it wasn't enough. The manufacturer is pushing it heavily, leaving lots of samples, I get a month's supply every time I see my GP. Application is trivial, open a small tube, squeeze into your hand, apply to abdomen, wash hands thoroughly.

Because of an auto-immune disease I gave myself daily shots for years, now shoot the cats when my SIL can send me vaccines, injecting T is no big deal after the 2nd shot and the results are very enjoyable.

Reading of all these males with low interest in sex I now see why so many of my former colleagues played golf ;-) and have unhappy wives. I often wanted to yell at them if you want to play with balls, play with your wife, but I'm now realizing my male pattern baldness may have high T levels as a cause, 5 out of 6 of the golfers had full heads of hair, personally I prefer sex.

Mark
Warning: I will warn you that if you're likely to get pregnant he will have to shower before rubbing his chest & abdomen against you. Even small amounts of Testim can seriously impact a fetus. He should also avoid bare chest contact with children, please read the manufacturer's warnings. 




stumblealong said:


> Hi Mark- I agree it sounds like low T, and even though Ive had this thought, I have not mentioned this to him. Maybe if he feels that it can be 'taken care of' easily I will be more successful at getting him to the doc, but he needs a referral from a family physician to get to a urologist according to his ins. I will be lucky in getting him to one doc, let alone 2 doc's. I've known this man a long time and if it gets into any kind of 'complicated' injections or if he has to keep seeing the doc regularly, he will bail. Sex is just not all that important to him. I will talk to him about this tonight and see where we end up. thanks again.
> Stumble


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

This is NOT a medical problem in the physiological sense. It is a psychological problem. He is suffering from a less than optimal level of sexual desire. Men need to be sexually aroused to get and keep an erection. He may get aroused enough to get an erection but he isn't aroused enough to keep it. There are two two reasons this happens. The first is a lack of sexual attraction to the partner. the second is his desire levels are being effected by anxiety that kicks in once intercourse has started. The anxiety can be caused by difficulties with intimacy or some kind of performance anxiety.

Often men who have trouble ejaculating during intercourse will have loss of erection as a secondary symptom of that. If after a few minutes of thrusting, he feels he cannot cum and his penis begins to feel numb this will cause him to also lose his erection. If, in the past, he has been able to keep his erection but not cum when you two are having intercourse then the primary problem is probably ejaculatory.

So the problem may be an ejaculatory disorder rather than an erectile disorder as such.

If lack of sexual attraction is not the cause then he needs to pinpoint the source of his anxiety. This can be difficult because it some cases this anxiety is subconscious and he may not be aware of it but his body is reacting to it nonetheless.

If he has no problems getting and keeping an erection, and ejaculating when he masturbates alone, that is a sign that intercourse with you is causing him to feel anxious and causing the sexual dysfunction.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

This sounds like a problem I recently had. My H's resentments made it so he did not initiate cuddling, he had sex only when he initiated, and he rejected me each time I initiated. We had sex probably every 2nd or 3rd day, but I cried a lot because he was rejecting me. He did not even know he was resentful until the counselor pointed it out.

Now he is not resentful, and he is so loving to me, he has sex whenever I want, and we have done it every day the past 5 days, some days twice.

Never underestimate the role of emotions, even in men!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> but he does smoke and drinks at least a 12pk a night, and has told me he does not want to give up these things, and I think this is why he refuses to go to doc because he doesn't want to be told to stop (well actually he has told me this is one reason he doesn't go to the doc). Thanks again scannerguard, We'll see how this all plays out!


Oh, he's drinking a 12 pack per night?

Natch.

We can stop all the psychobabbling right now.

That's more than likely the smoking gun.

I'm 41 and I don't even touch the stuff anymore if I think getting laid is in the cards that night (much to the chagrin of this Irish woman I am seeing) Hell, ask any frat boy who's had alcohol. . .it's not even always a youth thing. . .but age + alcohol = impotence.

He needs a straight-shooter doc who would humiliate him a little. Men unfortunately need to be doctored a little differently than women in regards to their "bedside manner."

I would find a doc who would be a "jerk" to him.

"You're drinking so much you can't get it up in the bedroom, can you? I don't even have to examine you and I know that.

Want your woman to end up riding a young stud's Toy (as Greenpearl would say) then keep on drinking 12 beers a night. If you don't or can't stop then get some help.

Are you ready to grow up and leave that immature lifestyle behind or not?"

You have to literally hit men below the belt to get them to change their lifestyle.

Women need the kind, understanding, lovey-dovey, listening doc. Men need a doc who's more like an Army Sarge and calls them names.

(except Big Bad Wolf, Mem and niceguy - you have to be lovey-dovey to them  )


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

First off let me start off by saying- When my husband and me were dating we were always making love (Sorry, I do not use the word Sex- because it is something I do not do) anyway- we were always making love and then after we married- after the first year things changed and it went down to once a week and then after the years have past things got worse- it went to once every two weeks, then once a month, once every other month... _*NO HE WAS NOT CHEATING-*_ while years went on I felt everything you have been feeling. 

Now, this past year he stop making love with me for over a year and half- now once again I had talk with him saying that I know love making is not everything but it is still something you do with the person you love. (A lot more was said as well) anyway things now are starting to pick back up like it was back 17 years ago....

Now, his thing is when he stopped for the year and half was he was taking meds- which he got off but still made it where he did not want it and could not keep it up. He is still fighting too- but now is getting better... He is not a drinker, does not smoke nor does drugs. But drinking and drugs does make that happen with a male- now with him not wanting you on top- not to sound mean but may be you are not doing something right- he does not want to tell you that due to your feelings

Cause when you're on top a man is still able to move you, and also get inside deeper. (I know I have it done) I have always been told from many of males that they love the female on top of them- or doggy it would be either one of them you would hear. So, that would most likely be why, he wants top
And the drinking is most likely the other thing. Or it could even be he is meds to make him do this, he could be on Male Birth Control which could do it- he could be taking pills where he could get breast to become a shemale- He will have to go in to the doctors to find out what it is if he does not know himself...

If he knows what is doing it- then he will have to open up and tell you


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi all - BEB and Sara Ann, I'm glad your situation has improved, means maybe there's hope for me I'm glad that you call sex 'making love' I wish that is what I could say about my situation. Unfortunately, my man and I have had major problems in our relationship from day one. Resentment has grown on both sides for so long. Even when we first got together, I really felt no connection to him while having sex. We probably should have called it quits a long time ago, but we must of seen some reason to stay together. Now we have a daughter, and I think we both feel obligated to stay together. I have put forth the effort to get something back into our relationship that just may have never been there in the first place. His alcohol has always came first, oh when I threaten to leave because of it, he will slow it down for a few days and it's back to normal. He seems very sad, esp since he told me his resentment about my ex and him feeling second best. I told him I was sorry, I never meant to make him feel that way. He told me he thinks I'm going to leave him soon for someone else, and he will be alone for the rest of his life because he is 'old' and has a limp di** Can anyone read between the lines on this statement? This is kinda what I heard when he said that to me, 'I'm only with you because I don't feel anyone else will want me.' If he really wanted to keep me around, wouldn't ya think he would be more willing to get the problem looked at by a doc, or go to counseling to deal with the resentment? He makes me feel bad about myself, I have lost 40 lbs, I workout all the time, but when I am on top (maybe I don't do it right?) he make me feel ugly. I do not lack attention from other males, just the one I have! No I'm not all that sexually experienced and this is not news to him, he is 10yrs older and has had a lot more partners than me, I have told him to show me what he wants done, but he said he likes what I do. :scratchhead: Probably doesn't want to hurt my feelings, I guess. All I know is that I didn't want to be celibate at the age of 35. Also, I asked him if he can cum when he masturbates, he said he doesn't do that. Is he lying to me or what? Is it normal for a 46yr old man to not masturbate? I will say, he has never had a high sex drive, I have never 'caught' him looking at porn (I've never told him he couldn't), and he now says he doesn't go at it alone. He seemed very sad all weekend, and I'm wondering if I should drop asking him to go to doc. I have never been a 'nagg' but I feel I'm at nagging point right now with this issue, and I myself am getting sick of talking about it. How long can a relationship go on like this:scratchhead:
Stumble


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*How do you want to live the next decades of life?*

Stumblealong,

Reading your posts it just doesn't seem as if you are made for each other.

Between his alcoholism and his lack of interest in making love, his lack of interest in doing anything about these issues, I think you need to move on.

I wrote on a different thread the problems in a relationship that exist when you get a marriage license only get worse with time, you and I demonstrate the truth of this statement. 

I'm sorry you and H have a young daughter, I'm not sure what you or H are getting from your marriage other than raising and loving the child, this may be enough to keep you together another 10-20 years, if you do they are going to be unhappy years, when you are 40, 50, ... 90 you'll wonder why you did you did, you may be happy about the path you chose, but you will wonder.

You and H have to decide if you want to stay together for your child(ren). I did for 10 years after the birth of my second, 10 years that rapidly became more miserable than words can describe - see bpdfamily.org

I have become convinced that life long marriage is pretty much a fantasy today, we live too long, we no longer live in small communities where our behavior is monitored, we change too much, very few ride a white horse. I'm in favor of serial monogamy, whether one calls it marriage or something else, I believe this is the reality of 2010.

I know we want love and affection, support when we hurt, supporting our loved ones, giving and receiving, sharing intimate moments, and public moments. 

These desires are not new, the last million years have made these desires part of our brains and bodies, enabled mankind to become the most numerous mammal on earth, the most widespread. 

Do what your heart, mind, and soul urge you to do, the sins of omission IMO far worse than the sins we commit.

Mark







stumblealong said:


> Hi all - BEB and Sara Ann, I'm glad your situation has improved, means maybe there's hope for me I'm glad that you call sex 'making love' I wish that is what I could say about my situation. Unfortunately, my man and I have had major problems in our relationship from day one. Resentment has grown on both sides for so long. Even when we first got together, I really felt no connection to him while having sex. We probably should have called it quits a long time ago, but we must of seen some reason to stay together. Now we have a daughter, and I think we both feel obligated to stay together. I have put forth the effort to get something back into our relationship that just may have never been there in the first place. His alcohol has always came first, oh when I threaten to leave because of it, he will slow it down for a few days and it's back to normal. He seems very sad, esp since he told me his resentment about my ex and him feeling second best. I told him I was sorry, I never meant to make him feel that way. He told me he thinks I'm going to leave him soon for someone else, and he will be alone for the rest of his life because he is 'old' and has a limp di** Can anyone read between the lines on this statement? This is kinda what I heard when he said that to me, 'I'm only with you because I don't feel anyone else will want me.' If he really wanted to keep me around, wouldn't ya think he would be more willing to get the problem looked at by a doc, or go to counseling to deal with the resentment? He makes me feel bad about myself, I have lost 40 lbs, I workout all the time, but when I am on top (maybe I don't do it right?) he make me feel ugly. I do not lack attention from other males, just the one I have! No I'm not all that sexually experienced and this is not news to him, he is 10yrs older and has had a lot more partners than me, I have told him to show me what he wants done, but he said he likes what I do. :scratchhead: Probably doesn't want to hurt my feelings, I guess. All I know is that I didn't want to be celibate at the age of 35. Also, I asked him if he can cum when he masturbates, he said he doesn't do that. Is he lying to me or what? Is it normal for a 46yr old man to not masturbate? I will say, he has never had a high sex drive, I have never 'caught' him looking at porn (I've never told him he couldn't), and he now says he doesn't go at it alone. He seemed very sad all weekend, and I'm wondering if I should drop asking him to go to doc. I have never been a 'nagg' but I feel I'm at nagging point right now with this issue, and I myself am getting sick of talking about it. How long can a relationship go on like this:scratchhead:
> Stumble


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

Stumblealong- i think you should temporary move out and see if his condition change. I don't think I would want to have my daughter see her dad downing 12 can of beers a day. Thats about $400-$600 a month. I could spend that kind of money on my wife or daughter and my hobbies beside wasting on beers and pee it all down the drain, not only that screw up his internal system. If he choose that over you and your daughter, it is not your obligation to stay.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Mark and Moto Dude- Yes, I do wonder too if relationships are meant to be forever. But, then I look at relationships like Simply Amorous and Green Pearl who have happy marriages and think there may be hope. It is very scary to think about leaving. Financially, emotionally and custody issues. He feels that since he no longer drinks the 'hard stuff' that his alcohol really isn't an issue. After 12 beers, other than the glassy look in his eyes, you really can't tell he's been drinking all that much because of his high tolerance. I don't think our daughter has actually seen him drunk, because she is in bed by the time that happens (weekends). I think it will be embarrassing for her in future yrs to see her father like that. Despite the alcoholism, he is a good father, but if we split I will be leery of the days she is with him and I'm not around, but I can't keep them apart, she is close to him and me equally. It's a crappy situation all around. It may come down to a trial separation, the thought makes me ill though. I've done this in the past, and he would straiten up for awhile then it's back to normal. I have never left him since our daughter has been born, maybe losing the both of us will be more of a wake-up call. He seems really depressed here lately, and it worries me that he will do something stupid. It is ironic-I went through 15yrs of depression, and he was always the 'up-beat' one, now I have come out it for close to a yr, and since then, he seems to have become increasingly depressed. :scratchhead: Sometimes I think he liked taking care of me in my depressed state, made him feel like 'something?' Heck I don't know. Thanks for your input guys.
Stumble


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Can I give you my sincere comment? Please don't leave him alone.

Forget about having good sex, he's ill, he needs to stop drinking beer and he needs a doctor asap, most importantly, he needs you to be there. Please don't abandon your husband. He needs you. Everything will go back on right track when he sees a doctor. 

The doctor will advice him to stop drinking beer. With professional helps and medication, slowly but surely he would be able to perform in bed for you. I'm sure he loves you faithfully but he's lost in the beer. Please guide him and lead him. He needs you.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

*Re: How do you want to live the next decades of life?*



ThinkTooMuch said:


> Stumblealong,
> 
> Between his alcoholism and his lack of interest in making love, his lack of interest in doing anything about these issues, I think you need to move on.


No, his lack of interests in making love because he's ill. The beer has messed up his testostrone and desire.

He needs a doctor- She must do something about it to save her husband. She have to insist in bringing him to the doctor. 
________________________________________________
Please don't listen to anyone who suggested you to leave your husband when he's ill.

Please don't get yourself losing in the directions and going no where.

Please tell your husband that he's ill and everyone who is ill needs to see a doctor. Assuring him that you will NEVER leave him ALONE but he MUST go with you to a doctor. Say whatever you can to move his ass with you to the doctor.

Trust me, even just a family doctor can already do something about it.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Please understand men care about their faces especially in the issues of SEX performance. Most men feel uncomfortable to talk about it to anyone including their own wives. 

You have to get ready because it's never an easy task to move his ass to the doctor.

However, you MUST believe the doctor is a PROFESSIONAL. He knows very well how to calm down his patient, he knows very well it's very hard for his patient to open his mouth and ask for help.

Don't be surprised. After you pushed him once to the doctor. Next time, he wanted to go by himself.

It works like this. You just need to pushed him once to an Urologist. 

Then you can just sit back and enjoy seeing him get better and healthier day after day. Next time, he will reminder you, "Sorry honey, we have an appointment with the doctor, and we need to go, can you come with me?" 

He will listen to the doctor to quit beer. Why? My husband did. He doesn't drink beer anymore. 

Better one time he heard from the doctor, "Don't drink beer!" than 100 times I told him to quit.

Men listen to the doctors.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

i wonder if serving an ultimatum to the hubby will work..?

in many marriages, both the spouses tend to take each other for granted, while ofcoz we need to give and take, it is those who overstep the line that calls for a concern. 

if he prefers to drink with his buddies and not interested to even have sex with the wife, sad to say but the wife could already be out of his mind/soul/life. beer n his frens are the only place he may think he still has a sense of belonging


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi friendly- I understand that he is ill and I have tried to convince him to got to doc's. He went to AA for 2yrs, (Court mandated) all that did was stop him from drinking the 'hard' stuff and he switched to beer. This has been a back and forth issue for 12yrs, I feel his alcohol has always come first, and now that we can't have sex anymore, I just don't feel a connection to him at all. I still care about him a lot, but it makes me feel like a nag, constantly trying to get him help. He seems depressed right now, so I can't leave him in this emotional state. If he goes to doc and things improve-we'll take it from there. But if he continues to refuse and this goes on for yet another yr, I just can't see myself staying. Please know that it is not the lack of sex that would be causing me to leave (if he had a injury-think Christopher Reeve-and could not perform, I would still be by his side). It's more the fact that I feel ignored and get hardly any affection at all (slap on the ass and peck on the lips every now and then, no hugs, no cuddling). He does nice things for me, like built me this beautiful deck and does fixer-upper things around the house for me all the time w/out complaint, he just doesn't touch me. I used to try to hug him, he makes it a quick hug. Kinda like he wants to pat me on the head and send me on my way. I thought that bringing up his sexual probs would make him more willing to get help, since this is a sensitive subject for men. But, I think in me bringing it up, just made him depressed. Thanks for your concern-any other advice will be appreciated. Glad your H got away from the beer, I don't think mine knows himself when he is not drinking. He has been drinking for over 30yrs

Hi malmale- An ultimatum has been something I have been debating. I'm just afraid this will just cause him to be more depressed and drink more. We have separated for short periods in the past and he becomes the biggest fall-down drunk jerk face you could imagine. I just don't want my daughter to see him that way. She has seen him a bit tipsy before, but she has no idea what he can be like, I sure do. When we are together he has more 'control' with it. Apart- he becomes this nasty, drunk, stalker type that makes my life miserable for the duration of the separation, until I finally take him back out of exhaustion. He then is back to his 'normal' routine. This is the reason I dread the day I do decide to leave, if that day comes.
Thanks all
Stumble


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

i have never respected men who cant control and degrade themselves to such levels. yeah, what u said is true, an ultimatum may just ruin ur so-called marriage. 
but both u n daughter has gone through so much and if he does not even care about the wellbeing of the family, i cant find any other reason y u r still together with him, other than maybe ur daughter can still come back to what u still consider as ur home...


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