# Separated a few months, ex wants to get back together



## Mindy_65 (Jun 25, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 25 years, with three high school age children. There was some emotional abuse in our relationship (by him) which led to the eventual breakdown of the relationship. We have been separated for 8 months. We tried couples counselling before we separated, but it was just too little too late. He very quickly moved on to a new relationship shortly after we separated--actually started while we were still living together. Now he has "come to his senses". He ended the relationship with the other woman and came to me that same day wanting to get back together....asap! That was a week ago. He is promising me the world, promising to never hurt me again, says he knows what he did wrong and will never do it again. He is relentless in his pursuit of me and it's kind of driving me crazy with the texts, phone calls. I am feeling very pressured. I want to beleive him but I have doubts that he has actually changed and I don't trust him not to hurt me again. On the other hand, what if he really has changed? We have more than 25 years and 3 children together. Do I take a chance on him?? He doesn't seem to want to give me my space to evaluate what is best for us. Then he tells me today that his ex-girlfriend is texting him and wants him back. Why is he telling me this? He says he wants me to know that he chooses me, not her. It feels a lot like an ultimatum to me.....a way to put a little extra pressure on me.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

sounds like an ultimatum, or why mention the OW to you. Maybe tell him if he really wants to R, he has to show you he's changed, not just give you empty words the same day he leaves the OW's place. You should not be Plan B.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Before you even consider R, he needs to compose a strict no-contact letter to the posOW, and send it to her. THEN, there must be complete transparency - access to all of his accounts, phone, FB, etc. 

If he shows any hesitation to these requests, then he's not ready, and you're plan B.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd be wary of someone that pressures you, it reeks of a control freak that hasn't changed anything and doesn't want you to have a chance to see that. If you want to R do it on your timetable. If he continues to pressure you cut off communication.
Also, do you want to get back together? Do you miss him? What do you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

These are significant decisions facing you whichever way you decide. Go at a pace comfortable to you. Why the rush to decide by him? Stay steady and steadfast though I'm sure it is difficult. Don't be afraid to tell him to give you some space and time.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Mine has tried to come back twice.

It depends on you. I refuse to take her back now because I will not let her hurt me again, don't trust her and don't respect her anymore. That's not a basis for a relationship. It's funny how my family says "but you have over 10 years of marriage and kids together". Yeah we do, but that's not a reason to take her back. That's the past. 

It does sound like an ultimatum and it sounds like he cannot be alone. He's terrified of the thought of NOT having someone. He jumped from you to her and now wants to jump right back to you. I would be hesitant as hell and am in my situation. I would always wonder where she was, who she was with, if she was just waiting for another option to come along so she could hurt me again. Not worth it imho.

When you first enter the world of seperation, you feel like your world is over. You feel like you are defined as a couple not an individual anymore. So when one part leaves you feel like it's over for everything else. It's not. There are plenty of fish in the sea and meeting someone new can be so exciting. Meeting someone you care for is even better!

I say do things on YOUR terms, not his. Sure you could draw up some papers that make him promise to not contact her but that's not going to ease your mind. You have to forgive him and take him back 100% or it will never work.

Tough spot to be in but go with your gut.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What reasons do you have to believe he's changed? What's wrong with dating and seeing if he's changed? Personally, I suspect that he hasn't, based on your description of his current behavior...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

PBear said:


> What reasons do you have to believe he's changed? What's wrong with dating and seeing if he's changed? Personally, I suspect that he hasn't, based on your description of his current behavior...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Also,how do you know he ended it.Maybe the other woman broke it off because she found out what he was really like.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_He is promising me the world, promising to never hurt me again, says he knows what he did wrong and will never do it again. He is relentless in his pursuit of me and it's kind of driving me crazy with the texts, phone calls. I am feeling very pressured._

_He doesn't seem to want to give me my space to evaluate what is best for us. _

Typical abuser behavior.


As Paul said: _Love is patient, love is kind._ Don't be with anybody who is not patient with you and kind to you.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I would see how he does in a separation with strict boundaries, one of them being your space... also you should go to MC. Once you have implemented steps to see if it can work and you can trust him then involve more family like activities but I wouldn’t right away....


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Mindy_65 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 25 years, with three high school age children. There was some emotional abuse in our relationship (by him) which led to the eventual breakdown of the relationship. We have been separated for 8 months. We tried couples counselling before we separated, but it was just too little too late. He very quickly moved on to a new relationship shortly after we separated--actually started while we were still living together. Now he has "come to his senses". He ended the relationship with the other woman and came to me that same day wanting to get back together....asap! That was a week ago. He is promising me the world, promising to never hurt me again, says he knows what he did wrong and will never do it again. He is relentless in his pursuit of me and it's kind of driving me crazy with the texts, phone calls. I am feeling very pressured. I want to beleive him but I have doubts that he has actually changed and I don't trust him not to hurt me again. On the other hand, what if he really has changed? We have more than 25 years and 3 children together. Do I take a chance on him?? He doesn't seem to want to give me my space to evaluate what is best for us. Then he tells me today that his ex-girlfriend is texting him and wants him back. Why is he telling me this? He says he wants me to know that he chooses me, not her. It feels a lot like an ultimatum to me.....a way to put a little extra pressure on me.


I agree with another poster, you should date him. Be super sweet, but don't just accept him back immediately. Especially if he is reminding you of what he did. You should date him and anyone else you like. Go out with your friends and kids. Do all the things you never did. Why let a tragedy go to waste. Then, and only after your done with your independence and freedom, should you even consider it. Have fun. God is your only rock, He is the only one who won't hurt you.


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