# Too Much Sex



## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

My husband likes to have sex...a lot. We have sex on the weekdays at least once a day sometimes twice. On some weekends he wants it 3-4 times a day. 
I dont deny him most of the time even though most of the time i don't want it. I try not to complain and just "grin and bare " it, a lot of women tell me I should be glad he is chasing me around the room like that. But its become too much. I think since I'm on birth control and im a littl older(we met when I was 23) im just not the "rabbit" I used to be. My issue is that ANY time I dont want to have sex he gets a big attitude. Like huffing and puffin around the house. Just last weekend we had sex 3 times on Saturday, he woke up on Sunday wanting morning sex and I just stalled him. He knew i dodnt want it and slamed the door to the bathroom and didnt talk to me for at least an hour. Like how can he act so "deprived"? "Grinning and baring" isn't working anymore, he can sense that I'm not into having sex with him and will ask me why. BECAUSE WE JUST HAD SEX IM NOT IN THE MOOD. He wants me to want it as much as he does. I dont know what to do. I cant "grin and bare" it much longer.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

my situation is a bit different, but I can see some common threads. Any chance your husband senses that sometimes you are just "accommodating" him and not so much that you are also interested? The frequency and amount he is asking for does seem a lot to many of us on TAM, but I wonder if it is not so much about his high drive as it is about him continuing to seek out something he is not getting out of the experiences. I have struggled feeling desired by my wife, so sex she offered just to appease me had little to no value. I "wanted to be wanted", a sexual experience that seems just about making me happy did not fill my tank and I would keep hoping for opportunities that she was all into....could that be related in your case?


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> my situation is a bit different, but I can see some common threads. Any chance your husband senses that sometimes you are just "accommodating" him and not so much that you are also interested? The frequency and amount he is asking for does seem a lot to many of us on TAM, but I wonder if it is not so much about his high drive as it is about him continuing to seek out something he is not getting out of the experiences. I have struggled feeling desired by my wife, so sex she offered just to appease me had little to no value. I "wanted to be wanted", a sexual experience that seems just about making me happy did not fill my tank and I would keep hoping for opportunities that she was all into....could that be related in your case?


I'm sure my "going through the motions" demeanor has something to do with it. But at this point sex has become a chore. There's no spark, no excitement, no passion. Sometimes he just climbs on top of me, ready or not. You can't expect passion, when you're not passionate sooo sometimes he gets " let's get it over with/deadfish" in bed. I just can't help that.
Sometimes I am in the mood just not as much as him. I could probably live with having sex 1 or 2 times a week but IK that's not gonna work for him so I just try to compromise but that's not enough for him.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

drt09 said:


> I dont know what to do.


You need to talk to him about frequency and make sure that he is aware of your ability to enjoy sex. He needs to be aware that pushing you beyond that can serve to destroy your libido and make it to where you will no longer be able to enjoy anything. 

At the same time you need to work out a way to where his desire for you can still be expressed and be a positive form of energy in the relationship. You may be able to encourage him to enjoy more solo exploration while thinking of you or perhaps buy some novelties as gifts that are generally just for his enjoyment for him to explore on his own or together without the need for penetration.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Tough one. How old are you guys? Seems like your man should masturbate once in awhile to ease the pressure off of you. This sounds pretty miserable, to be honest. You have the right to set some boundaries here. If you don't, you're just going to end up divorced. And if he needs sex multiple times a day he might be an addict.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> Tough one. How old are you guys? Seems like your man should masturbate once in awhile to ease the pressure off of you. This sounds pretty miserable, to be honest. You have the right to set some boundaries here. If you don't, you're just going to end up divorced. And if he needs sex multiple times a day he might be an addict.


I just turned 30 and he's 31. Im such a chicken i know I need to set boundaries but I'd rather take the path of less resistance but even that isn't working much anymore. He doesn't like to masterbate, he only does it when I'm watching because thats a kink of mine. And I don't know about him being an addict but he told me he sees sex as any other hobby or outlet. If someone is bored they may turn on the TV or read a book; he likes to have sex. I dont see sex like that, I like romance and massages and candles at least sometimes


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Does he watch porn?


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> Does he watch porn?


We watch porn during the act sometimes.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

drt09 said:


> I'm sure my "going through the motions" demeanor has something to do with it. But at this point sex has become a chore. There's no spark, no excitement, no passion. Sometimes he just climbs on top of me, ready or not. You can't expect passion, when you're not passionate sooo sometimes he gets " let's get it over with/deadfish" in bed. I just can't help that.
> Sometimes I am in the mood just not as much as him. I could probably live with having sex 1 or 2 times a week but IK that's not gonna work for him so I just try to compromise but that's not enough for him.


I don't promote being fake with someone's spouse, as I think that can be damaging long term, but in an effort to help your marriage, try just one time to really express some significant desire sexually towards him, as the initiator. You dont need to go over the top, but come off as really wanting him sexually and follow through with a robust sex session. Then...sit back and watch over the next couple days how he responds. If he is less instant on sex after that session, you can likely assume his push is based on trying to provide to himself that you want him sexually. If nothing is different, worst thing you wasted is an hour. If he does back off after feeling "wanted", you would at least know what drives his behavior and could work on addressing it in a way that works for you.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I don't promote being fake with someone's spouse, as I think that can be damaging long term, but in an effort to help your marriage, try just one time to really express some significant desire sexually towards him, as the initiator. You dont need to go over the top, but come off as really wanting him sexually and follow through with a robust sex session. Then...sit back and watch over the next couple days how he responds. If he is less instant on sex after that session, you can likely assume his push is based on trying to provide to himself that you want him sexually. If nothing is different, worst thing you wasted is an hour. If he does back off after feeling "wanted", you would at least know what drives his behavior and could work on addressing it in a way that works for you.


This will likely take more than a one and done experiance to explore. If my wife showed real desire, I would actually be more excited for a time. I think a week or two is a better time frame to explore this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He's using you as a human pin cushion.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Hello there! I was in your situation when I first came here and unfortunately, it's really weird to get straightforward information because this forum/section is full of medium-to-high drive people with low-to-nonexistent drive partners. Because you are facing the opposite problem, you are going to get a lot of information like "just try to accommodate him," which you have been and as you are already experiencing, is killing whatever sex drive you have.

The good news is what you are asking for is totally reasonable. There is a middle ground between 3 times a day, 7 days a week and 1 - 2 times a day. You may even have a naturally higher drive if you are given a little space and time, honestly. I can tell you what worked for me with my crazy high drive husband.

First, sit down and have a real talk. Explain everything you have here and more. Let him know that you are having grin and bare it sex. Let him know that you are noticing the poor attitude if you say no after one time. You have a right not not be used as a tool to relieve boredom, anxiety stress or whatever, sex should be mutually pleasurable and you are not a chew toy. Negotiate a reasonable amount that if a little more than you want and a little less than he wants - in your case it might be 3 times on the weekdays and a couple times on the weekends but try to meet somewhere in the middle.

This....probably won't sink in the first time, lol. So there are a few things you have to keep in mind.

NEVER have grin and bare it sex. Stop this immediately. You are forming a bad association with sex every time you do this. Explain this clearly and succinctly to your husband and re-inforce it with your actions. This doesn't mean don't have sex where you may get into it once it starts, it's the times where you know you will get zero out of it to put a stop to it immediately.

His mood does not determine your mood. You say no and he gets pissy for an hour? Time to go do a mani-pedi, workout, watch stupid shows, go do a facial, go for a walk. Do something that makes you happy, do it with a smile on your face. As long as he is not abusive, it doesn't matter if he is mad because you said no to sex after the third time or whatever. He will not die, you will not die and you will be sane.

Only have sex that gets you off - or as close as is possible for you at the time being. The way I "achieved" this was like "I get 5 orgasms together to every one he gets." Something like that. As the lower drive person, you get to be the decider for awhile because you have been accommodating for awhile. What do you like? That's honestly what it should be until be until balance is restored. Afterwards, when the pissy moods stop and you don't feel like you are being pressured, then you can re-explore what you would like.

I have sympathy for higher drive people who aren't getting any sort of sexual connection. I don't have any sympathy for those who are using their drives as an excuse to ignore that their partner is also a person who has desires and wants. However, everyone is free to choose what they want as well. My suggestions are to keep you feeling like a worthwhile person but your husband may decide that he can't handle it as well.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Is he on Testosterone shots, or steroids, or something to shoot up his testosterone? Or is his testosterone naturally sky-high.

I also agree with the others regarding a compromise between you, 1-2x a week, and him, 25x a week. Could just do the average between the two, and say shoot for 10-12x a week? You could also say all the sex he is wanting takes a lot of you, and if you were allowed to rest and not boink 3x a day every once in a while, you'd be more interested and lively? Just a thought. 

Out of curiosity, has the lockdown caused/affected this? 
For example, was he working in an office and now working from home? So he's with you all day? So maybe he now has more access to try and jump your bones than he previously did? Did frequency increase during lockdown? 
Or was the appetite always ravenous, even prior to lockdown. 
Is he also in crazy shape or something? Like, gym everyday, super fit, only eats vegetables and chicken kind of guy? Or a dad-bod?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Are these quickies? How long does each sex session take? I’m only asking because if I have a ex that frequently I get UTIs, and I dry out. 

I think the best approach is to talk to him when he is calm and rational. 

Ny question is... hypothetically, what if he starts masterbating to porn half the time instead of having sex with you? Would that upset you?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> Are these quickies? How long does each sex session take? I’m only asking because if I have a ex that frequently I get UTIs, and I dry out.
> 
> I think the best approach is to talk to him when he is calm and rational.
> 
> Ny question is... *hypothetically, what if he starts masterbating to porn half the time instead of having sex with you? Would that upset you?*


May seem like the only compromise.

Unless he is able to control his lusts via other activities.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> May seem like the only compromise.
> 
> Unless he is able to control his lusts via other activities.


My point is thAt she needs to be ok with the alternative.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

The good ole 20s and 30s. Now days at 48 and wife at 52, the old nooner becomes the afternooner....its 30 -45 min. and i still may not get there. I can not imagine sex as much as you have. 

This gives me flash backs to a red head nympho 11 yrs my senior. I lived with her a few months when i was 23. I thought she was gonna kill me. I was almost to the point i did not want to go home from work. I was like "Can you just hold me?"


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

drt09 said:


> ...he told me he sees sex as any other hobby or outlet. If someone is bored they may turn on the TV or read a book; he likes to have sex. I dont see sex like that, I like romance and massages and candles at least sometimes


In a psychology book I once read it discussed how stress and sex can work very differently for different people. Some people crave sex when they are stressed. While it may not seem like it, boredom and stress are very related to one another. Boredom can be a side effect of depression which is the result of some form of prolonged stress. ...back to sex... Some people grow up learning to use sex as a mechanism for self soothing. It feels good and creates euphoric relief from whatever has someone down or stressed. 

Relief from boredom, stress, or depression is not exactly a healthy form of sexual desire. If by chance you think that is what is going on, you should research all the various forms of coping mechanisms to help your husband attain a more emotionally healthy lifestyle. Perhaps the number one recommended thing is exercise, followed by diet and sleep. If your husband has a problematic relationship with exercise, diet or sleep, then that is a sign that he is struggling with something emotionally. 

Ideally sexual desire should come from a place of just feeling good about yourself and wanting to share that with the person you love. Feeling as if life is boring and you need to use sex as a means to escape is not healthy long term. While sex can be a place of healing, one can't use it as a place of nonstop healing. At some point both partners need to be capable of bring positive energy into the bedroom for nurturing the relationship. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

FrenchFry said:


> Hello there! I was in your situation when I first came here and unfortunately, it's really weird to get straightforward information because this forum/section is full of medium-to-high drive people with low-to-nonexistent drive partners. Because you are facing the opposite problem, you are going to get a lot of information like "just try to accommodate him," which you have been and as you are already experiencing, is killing whatever sex drive you have.
> 
> The good news is what you are asking for is totally reasonable. There is a middle ground between 3 times a day, 7 days a week and 1 - 2 times a day. You may even have a naturally higher drive if you are given a little space and time, honestly. I can tell you what worked for me with my crazy high drive husband.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice. Its hard to get advice for this bc so many ppl are "sex starved" and think that would love to be in my shoes. The grass is NOT greener on the other side.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Are these quickies? How long does each sex session take? I’m only asking because if I have a ex that frequently I get UTIs, and I dry out.
> 
> I think the best approach is to talk to him when he is calm and rational.
> 
> Ny question is... hypothetically, what if he starts masterbating to porn half the time instead of having sex with you? Would that upset you?


Most sessions are about 15-20 mins long. Sometimes I think he would like to go longer but after a while my vagina hurts and he'd learned not to take too long
I wouldnt mind him doing that at all but he doesn't see the point of masterbating if he has a wife 🙄


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You can say no. It is allowed. 

I say that in jest because there does appear to be a problem. 

Would this be part of a group of larger problems?

Do you want to have sex with him at all?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

drt09 said:


> Most sessions are about 15-20 mins long. Sometimes I think he would like to go longer but after a while my vagina hurts and he'd learned not to take too long
> I wouldnt mind him doing that at all but he doesn't see the point of masterbating if he has a wife 🙄


A couple things of interest here. Good thing you're dealing with this now, because this will (not may) be the source of long-term resentment down the road. I'm guessing it already is.

The masturbation thing might be key. What if, instead of you watching, you participate? Could you handle that twice a day, with PIV sex once?

Another thing is to focus on anticipation. Let him know not now but tonight, or whatever time, you'll be ready and it will be worth the wait. Of course, you have to come through on the "worth the wait" part.

And finally, strange as this may seem, given the frequency, frequency itself can be a sign of rejection issues. Even though you're giving in to his "needs" you're rejecting him at the same time. This leads to insecurities which fuels a sense of need.

The porn thing- be careful going down that road. Porn can be a deflection from discussing the real issues. But you say you watch it together. Does it do anything for you? Is there anything sexual that does it for you? If so, how do you bring that out more?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you need to get him into marriage counseling and deal with the subject there because you already know he's not going to handle it well. It will be a deal breaker for him but having sex this often when you are not even in the mood and he's not even trying should be a deal breaker for you.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You can say no. It is allowed.
> 
> I say that in jest because there does appear to be a problem.
> 
> ...


Yes I have a few posts on here about my relationship. I split them up bc they are all different and it i put them all together I would have wrote a book on here l.
And yes! I like being intimate with him, just not that much. Sometimes just cuddling would be nice lol


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

drt09 said:


> Yes I have a few posts on here about my relationship. I split them up bc they are all different and it i put them all together I would have wrote a book on here l.
> And yes! I like being intimate with him, just not that much. Sometimes just cuddling would be nice lol


Cuddling can be an issue for some, because it can be misinterpreted as being a prelude to sex. Have you considered looking for cuddling after sex? That's when I feel closest to my wife. If it's not a warm night, I could cuddle the whole night, either back to back or front to back, sometimes arm around her, sometimes her arm by my side and my arm holding hers. 

I missed out on that for 40 years because she had deep-rooted issues with sex that turned out to have nothing to do with me. She missed out on that too, without understanding why. She wasn't able to understand what her rejection had done to me. And you're wondering, sex so often, how the hell can he think you're rejecting him? Yet, that's what might be happening, in his mind, and your reality. Rejection isn't entirely about quantity. 

Don't get me wrong. You have no obligation to have sex on demand, multiple times per day, if that's not your thing. You have no obligation to experience pain during sex. I think the starting point for the two of you is to see sex as more than just PIV. Work on the mutual masturbation. And, if you can get there, work on anticipation. Sex can essentially be 24/7 in his mind, maybe even in yours, if you allow a build-up. Less physical sex might equal more sex. "If we could take a break tonight, you'll get everything you want tomorrow night... and more." And follow through, of course.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

drt09 said:


> And yes! I like being intimate with him, just not that much. Sometimes just cuddling would be nice lol


Just like couples struggling in a sexless marriage that use scheduling intimacy to try and get things back to normal, you can do the exact same. However you can schedule times that are specifically for nonsexual intimacy. Explain to your husband that you need something like that and schedule "no sex" to happen. During this moment you can focus just on cuddling without any anxiety that you have to have sex. In return, you can work out something that you can do for your husband as well like a nice back rub to help him enjoy calming things down and relaxing while being close to you. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Judging from a number of the posts here if it wasn’t about sex, it would be easy to mistake it for advice on how to handle a spoiled child. He’s an adult and he’s acting like a selfish, inconsiderate teenager. I suspect any conversation isn’t going to go well. I would tell him you are concerned that his constant demands are driving a wedge between the two of you and that if he loves you he’ll agree to seeing a counselor, preferably one with experience in sexual issues in marriage. Sex should be a joy in a marriage, not a constant expectation whenever your spouse is bored. Your H needs to grow up and learn to handle his stress and boredom on his own.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

drt09 said:


> My husband likes to have sex...a lot. We have sex on the weekdays at least once a day sometimes twice. On some weekends he wants it 3-4 times a day.
> I dont deny him most of the time even though most of the time i don't want it. I try not to complain and just "grin and bare " it, a lot of women tell me I should be glad he is chasing me around the room like that. But its become too much. I think since I'm on birth control and im a littl older(we met when I was 23) im just not the "rabbit" I used to be. My issue is that ANY time I dont want to have sex he gets a big attitude. Like huffing and puffin around the house. Just last weekend we had sex 3 times on Saturday, he woke up on Sunday wanting morning sex and I just stalled him. He knew i dodnt want it and slamed the door to the bathroom and didnt talk to me for at least an hour. Like how can he act so "deprived"? "Grinning and baring" isn't working anymore, he can sense that I'm not into having sex with him and will ask me why. BECAUSE WE JUST HAD SEX IM NOT IN THE MOOD. He wants me to want it as much as he does. I dont know what to do. I cant "grin and bare" it much longer.


Do you orgasm at all. I see you say he get's on ready or not that can be painful. I know the pill killed my libido. How was yours before you started taking it?


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Do you orgasm at all. I see you say he get's on ready or not that can be painful. I know the pill killed my libido. How was yours before you started taking it?


Not much anymore. At the beginning of our relationship our sex life was great. I could go a couple times a day AND I had orgasms every time. But since birth control i rarely get horny or orgasm. He always wanted more sex than I did though.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

blahfridge said:


> Judging from a number of the posts here if it wasn’t about sex, it would be easy to mistake it for advice on how to handle a spoiled child. He’s an adult and he’s acting like a selfish, inconsiderate teenager. I suspect any conversation isn’t going to go well. I would tell him you are concerned that his constant demands are driving a wedge between the two of you and that if he loves you he’ll agree to seeing a counselor, preferably one with experience in sexual issues in marriage. Sex should be a joy in a marriage, not a constant expectation whenever your spouse is bored. Your H needs to grow up and learn to handle his stress and boredom on his own.


And take matters into his own hand occasionally....


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

drt09 said:


> Not much anymore. At the beginning of our relationship our sex life was great. I could go a couple times a day AND I had orgasms every time. But since birth control i rarely get horny or orgasm. He always wanted more sex than I did though.


While your husband has multiple issues that he needs to work on such as those other women friends, his attitude and such. You may want to consider which form or pill you use. I know I went on it when I got married so my husband could live the dream of no condoms and we didn't want children yet. But when my 3 month prescription came to an end I told him I was thinking about stopping it because I didn't like the way it was effecting me. He said oh thank god. I had stopped wanting sex and it effected my moods.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Just like couples struggling in a sexless marriage that use scheduling intimacy to try and get things back to normal, you can do the exact same. However you can schedule times that are specifically for nonsexual intimacy. Explain to your husband that you need something like that and schedule "no sex" to happen. During this moment you can focus just on cuddling without any anxiety that you have to have sex. In return, you can work out something that you can do for your husband as well like a nice back rub to help him enjoy calming things down and relaxing while being close to you.
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta


Sex Therapists often use a variation on this by assigning Sensate Focus exercises that preclude PIV or even genital touching at first and only adding sensual massage and teasing, then genital touching and finally in later sessions PIV.


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