# Sex after Penectomy: A wife's view



## gourlegr (May 5, 2013)

Hello. My DH, gourlegr, recently went on this message board to recount his recent penectomy. He let me log into his account and I'd thought I would give my side of what happened. After we got married, we liked having lots of sex. It was mostly intercourse. Post-surgery, though, that's clearly impossible. 
Anyway, I read through his posts, and I think he left out big problem he's dealing with. He still seems to think he has a penis sometimes. Let me explain. One morning after I woke up in bed, my DH and I started kissing. It got heated, and he got on top of me. He even started thrusting his hips into me like we were having sex. He stopped when he realized he didn't have a penis anymore. How can I get my DH to accept humping and grinding our bodies is okay without penetration? Thanks.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

I think this is question best left to a medical professional in addition to counseling. I just hope you cope with this change and I wish you all the best.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Welocome!

You sound like a wonderful spouse. I personally would have hugged him and ask him to continue. You may have done that already. I knew a guy who had his foot amputated, he once tried to get up quickly as someone had rang the door. He completely forgot about his foot and had a bad fall. Since it was morning your husband was probably groggy. I'm sure you both will adapt, as it seems you both are willing to work together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would also suggest looking into tantric sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Welocome!
> 
> You sound like a wonderful spouse. I personally would have hugged him and ask him to continue. You may have done that already. I knew a guy who had his foot amputated, he once tried to get up quickly as someone had rang the door. He completely forgot about his foot and had a bad fall. Since it was morning your husband was probably groggy. I'm sure you both will adapt, as it seems you both are willing to work together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. Many people who lose a limb, or even a finger or toe, still think its there subconciously for a while. It's call phantom limb.

Phantom limb - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It takes a while for the brain to retrain itself that the body part isn't there. In this case, your husbands penis. I'd wager that your husband even thought he had a full erection at the time and only realized something was wrong when he didn't feel the same sensations he normally would have from being inside you.

I don't think your husband needs to 'accept' anything, he likely already has. But you can't simply retrain your brain that quickly. It just takes time for the mind to reprogram itself. 

And may I express my smypathies to you and your husband. This is especially tragic for any couple, but even moreso for a couple who is so young. I'm thankful you were able to catch the cancer early enough to do something about it, and I hope that you are able to overcome this. May God bless you both.


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## XianHusband (Oct 9, 2013)

To directly answer your question: "How can I get my DH to accept humping and grinding our bodies is okay without penetration?" - I think the only way is by telling and showing him directly - and explicitly - through words as well as actions. 

Let him thrust and hump you if that's what he feels like doing and if you enjoy or even just "have no problem" with it. If you do enjoy it and it helps you feel intimate in the way full-fledged intercourse would, so much the better, and express that to him. Thrusting and humping is a very masculine sexual thing to do that I think would make most men feel manly and sexual and especially if you are doing it full-on naked body to naked body there is an intimacy in that that transcends the presence or stimulation of a penis. Encourage him to do it and let him know you desire it. And do it back to him!!! 

A man wants to know that you desire him as a lover. He wants to know that you enjoy your physical intimacy times together. He wants to know that you are satisfied. Tell him. Give him every reason to know he can believe it. Initiate sex often and explicitly ask or otherwise show him the things that he is still capable of doing that you desire and that make you happy. By enjoying the things he does for you, and showing him that you enjoy them, and by continuing to initiate and ask him to spend intimate time with you enjoying the things you are capable of enjoying, you will continue to increase his confidence and make him know that he is loved and accepted by you.

He may not have been very lucky regarding what happened to his penis, but he's more than made up for it by being one of the luckiest men in the world to have had God bless him with a wife like you.


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## kimd (Oct 12, 2013)

Wow, No penis, that would put a damper on most relationships. His testicles keep his libido going, but with nothing there he must feel terrible. Yes try tantric sex. Here is a link to a great forum. I describes a man who lost his penis to a land mine in Vietnam and he says he still has a great sex life. 

How can a man without a penis have a sex life that other men envy?


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## JustMeHere (Nov 23, 2015)

Four years ago I had to have a total (no stump) penectomy and testicles removal. To me it resulted in losing intrest in women (sexually) and have almost no libido left which itself is okay because obviously there is nothing down there to do it with. What concerns me more is that I start to feminize very strongly resulting in crossdressing, f.i. wearing skirts and heels, makeup ect. But to me the most concerning is that I even start to have certain fantasies about men. I'm now ceriously conciddering to even become a woman, it would make life a lot easier i hope. The reason I write this is that I've never heard of it that this can happen after losing your male genitals. This gives the topic name "A wife's view" a new maening I guess. Thanx. X.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

what about a strap-on?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

gourlegr said:


> ...He still seems to think he has a penis sometimes. Let me explain. One morning after I woke up in bed, my DH and I started kissing. It got heated, and he got on top of me. He even started thrusting his hips into me like we were having sex. He stopped when he realized he didn't have a penis anymore. How can I get my DH to accept humping and grinding our bodies is okay without penetration? Thanks.


You seem to have gotten lots of great advice. I hope I can add something useful for the two of you. You sound like someone who values your relationship with your H and is wanting to take steps in insure intimacy.

Let's look at one of the methods that lesbians have sex. It is called scissoring. You can look it up on Google or a porn video site and watch it with your H, if that doesn't offend either of you.

You pelvic area has lots of nerve endings that register erotic feelings. Let him understand that there are still ways of his sexually stimulating you and you stimulating him that don't involve PIV, but involve pelvic grinding, aka scissoring.

Tantric was a great suggestion. Also did you know that nipple stimulation releases oxytocine the feel good and bonding hormone? It is often used during childbirth to help induce labor as it produces stronger and more frequent contractions. Another side benefit is that women with elevated levels of oxytocine can have stronger and sometimes multiple orgasms. Also some men when their nipples are stimulated will get elevated oxytocine levels and experience stronger orgasms. You might work on exploring each others bodies and erogenous zone you previously ignored.

Speaking of which, there is a very interesting sex toy that started out as a medical devise to help men with a serious medical problem. Prostate Massage, Prostate Massagers, Prostatitis BPH Treatment

Even if he doesn't like the idea of sex toys, he might be talked into a medical device, assuming he still has his prostate. If not they also have a hemorrhoid device. 

The orgasms that the men were having were so intense that the medical device company became a very successful sex toy company. The point is that this could be a way for him to experience very powerful multiple orgasms, while you and he touch and play together and build intimacy. The Aneros helps strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, promote urinary contenance and produces stronger orgasms and sometimes multiple orgasms. Could be a rush if you were holding him in your arms while encouraging him to have multiple O's for you.

Learning Center « Aneros Aneros

And if he just has to "hump" you for old times sake, they do have strap on dildo's that some women use on women or men. The two of you could buy one and have him use it on you, or you could see if he would like you to use it on him?

The following web link has some interesting articles and podcasts, a discount coupon code and some insights in to strapon use. Ruby Ryder's Pegging Paradise

Good luck to you and your H. He is a very lucky guy to have you.​


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

While this is a Zombie thread I was once interested in researching about a colleague that had a spinal injury. Amazingly the brain can rewire itself and receive sexual gratification in other ways than direct stimulation to the genitals. Essentially the brain will allow the following the be received as sexual input:

• Smell
• Sight
• Sound
• Touch (anywhere)
• and even taste

So anyone who has experienced sexual excitement from say getting their neck kissed or having a lover moan in your ear has experienced examples of this type of alternate input. Now for someone that has experienced spinal injury and can no longer feel anything below a certain point, all of these things become very enhanced. Much like a blind person can hear the shape of a room, or a deaf person can read lips to understand conversation. 

Bottom line is that the brain is freaking amazing!

Badsanta


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