# A strange affair



## lostinoh (Sep 5, 2016)

Hello all, thank you for reading this.

I discovered my wife who has been with me 6 married 5, was having an emotional affair with someone she met on an online video game. Previous to this she had told me she wanted a divorce, saying I was never home. My job was hectic and would really only see her for an hour or two a day if I was lucky. At the time I was drinking a lot to cope with job related stress. I have been a heavy drinker since about 2012 when my father passed. I quit my job shortly after to try and work on my marriage, knowing that with the hours and stress my marriage would keep suffering. 

Well when I discovered the affair I demanded her to end it, which she did. After begging me one night I decided to allow her to resume contact as friends with this other man but only through online communication on the video game, no more phone/skype conversations. Things seemed alright for awhile, her father flew out here and that seemed to calm down things for a time. We got into an argument while I had been drinking and was very negative especially about the affair and feeling like I had made the wrong choice in having her continue to communicate. 

Two days late she left on a trip to see her family that had been planned for a long time. I had been going to with her but decided not to as she had wanted to have some space. Though she did seem to want me to go at times, it was reluctantly. As time went on out there I managed to find out she was talking to this guy, long phone calls and 900+ texts. I went into a panic mode and tried to get her to talk to me, after I found out. She admitted to it, but shut off all contact with me or anyone for two days.

After that we agreed through her father, that we would talk once a day with boundaries in place. She didn't call the first day saying she was having panic attacks thinking about talking to me. We talked very briefly for a few days then began to text rather often and things seemed to be going well. She told me she is on the fence about making our marriage work and hopes someone can show her some emotions that she has been hiding for me. She went to see a councilor which seemed to go decently. I asked if she and this other man were still just friends, nothing more intimate or if she had any plans to leave me and go to him. She said they were just friends, she had no plans on leaving me for him, that if she left it would be to go work on herself and figure out why she keeps wanting to leave marriages and falling for other guys. (We met when she was going through her 1st divorce) She also told me she would be getting on the plane and coming back home.

The following day no one had heard from her for 19 hours, she missed phone calls she had promised to make to people (a Very rare thing) and people began getting concerned. I finally got one of the phone numbers this other guy had used to make contact, only to discover that it was an extended stay hotel and that he had checked out that morning heading for the state my wife is in. Since I found that I attempted to make contact with her as has her family and the only response she gave was to her mother saying she didn't want to talk to anyone for awhile. She had been staying with friends for several days before this. 

The only other contact she had with her family was showing up for a few hours at a BBQ. It's been like this since Thursday, and I am just very lost and confused right now as to what to do. Once since all of this began 3 months ago I brought up that maybe w should just end it and went as far as calling a divorce attorney, she cried and begged and pleaded with me not to so I did not.

I know I have made some horrible mistakes in our marriage, my drinking being one, but I can proudly say I am three weeks sober as of today and going through A.A. regularly. I know my drinking caused us to fight a lot and made her feel isolated because I would go to the bar instead of spending time with her after work. I also know my work caused her to feel alone and isolated. She hates where we live currently (the state) and wants to move back to the state she grew up in and where her family lives. Something that I have wanted to do, but has not seemed feasible. I should also add that in the 6 years we have been together she only began working three months ago. Citing that she couldn't motivate herself to work, instead she spent her days playing video games while I supported us. 

Right now I am just very lost as to what to do, she is due back Thursday of this week and I don't know what to do. I have a marriage counselor set up for the 15th but I'm not sure she will even attend. With the other guy having flown out to be with her and no contact and knowing her she is going to come back telling me she is madly in love with him (told me that already) and is ending things between us etc. If she even comes back at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you know that she is meeting up with this guy, what do you want to do. Do you want to try to salvage your marriage or not? 

One thing I know is that until she end ends all contact with this guy, there would be no chance of your marriage recovering.

I suggest that until she ends the affair, you treat her according to the 180. See the link to the 180 in my signature block below. 

Then get the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. It will give you a good plan of what to do.

I think that’s where you start, read the book and decide which path you want to take.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When you say you made "horrible mistakes" exactly how horrible were they?

Anything hard to forget and forgive, for example?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

It seems like the only time you're able to get a reaction out of her is by filing for divorce. So I'd conclude that this is what is necessary to bring her back to reality. Note that a divorce can be stopped at any point in the process. But filing will send her a clear message that you're now calling the shots. She needs to be 100% transparent with you and tell you exactly how many times she's had sex with him. Try to find out about the other man. If he's married, inform his wife about the affair without giving your wife any kind of heads up. Good luck to you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Since there's an apparent lack of kids in your marriage, I'd consider that fact alone a sheer Godsend in that you would be able to get out from underneath such a lying, deceptive, self-serving skank!

It doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist or an actuary to tell you how many times she can get her ashes hauled within the scope of "19 hours!"

Give her the air by moving her belongings out on the curb, then proceed to good piranha family attorney's office to aid you in getting her out of your life for good!

You deserve far, far better out of life!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get to AA and continue on with sobriety. Good for you and congrats on not drinking for three weeks. 

As for yur wife, dump her and file for divorce. Sooner you start the sooner you will get over her.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> Since there's an apparent lack of kids in your marriage,


Thats a rather strange way of putting it.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Get to AA and continue on with sobriety. Good for you and congrats on not drinking for three weeks.
> 
> As for yur wife, dump her and file for divorce. Sooner you start the sooner you will get over her.


Hey Bandit! I agree with you on this one. 

As for booze, stop. I was hitting bourbon like a wild man for a few weeks. Stopped 100%. Glass of red wine with my FWW every night all o do now.


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## lostinoh (Sep 5, 2016)

Stopped hitting the booze, and will continue with that regardless of what happens. She is very young emotionally, her own parents admit that they failed with her. This is her way of trying to run me off and hurt me, I understand that. The other man is more or less controlling her emotions at this point. He is 30 I am 26, wife is 28. I served in the military as did he, difference is I made a life after I was in the military, even though I have my C.I.B. (combat infantry badge) and did see some horrible combat. This guy lives off the government in an extended stay hotel, claiming ptsd even though he never saw a day of combat in his life. Whatever, he's ****ing up the V.A. system for people that really need it. 

Also, my wife is horrible at dealing with her emotions, she loves to run away. Been her M.O. for years. There are no children in our marriage, despite a back and fourth between her. I honestly feel with everything, I will not let her go yet. I won't let her continue on the cycle she is on. I want my marriage to work but she understands so little of me and so very, very little of herself. I just want to know what footing to take here. I know we can still work things out if she is willing to and ends this affair. Guy has 3 kids to two different women and they have all left him. I will not allow my wife to end up being abused by him like he has others. 

As fa as major issues with our marriage my flashbacks etc. Emotional and mental breaking over what I saw and did. Things like that, she does not understand them. She has been there for me when I could not even get out of bed I was so paralyzed by my dreams from the night before. I know things are for her, but she also has thrown her fair share of stuff into our marriage. My goal at the very least is to get her the help she needs to not make these same mistakes over and over. At the best I want her to figure herself out and work on our marriage. I know that I am going to have to endure untold pain...but with what I have gone through in my life this pain is, in alot of ways worse, but atleast I can still think clearly. F

For me this is a mission.


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## lostinoh (Sep 5, 2016)

Oh also forgot to mention, I am doing the 180. Even since she has been gone I have done a 180. I'm no longer the person she thinks. Three weeks of living hell can change a man. I am not afraid of her leaving me. I am taking her power to do such away. I am in control of my life. I want to help her, but she has to be willing.


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## lostinoh (Sep 5, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> When you say you made "horrible mistakes" exactly how horrible were they?
> 
> Anything hard to forget and forgive, for example?


Drinking made me want to argue and fight. So a lot of yelling and screaming back and forth. Nothing ever physical. I know I hurt her, but she hurt me too in these last 6 years. Mostly I was responding to her attacks. But some I made on my own.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

You're her fallback guy while she is involved with whoever. Not gonna tell you to leave or stay - not my place - but you're her in-case-this-new-fellah-doesn't-work-I-have-something-to-go-back-on guy. That's you, uh-huh, c'est toi!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostinoh said:


> Drinking made me want to argue and fight. So a lot of yelling and screaming back and forth. Nothing ever physical. I know I hurt her, but she hurt me too in these last 6 years. Mostly I was responding to her attacks. But some I made on my own.


What were her attacks? What was she attacking about?


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## lostinoh (Sep 5, 2016)

Understand I am her fallback. I get that 100%.

As to her attacks it was that I never was there for her, which was a failing on my part due to jobs etc. But I will not sit by while she attempts to ruin our life together simply because this joker, which he is! (I know everything about him from arrest records to why his own wife recently left him), attempts to control and manipulate my wife. She is someone who is in love with being in love. I've read the books done the research, etc. I will end this for my own sake if I have to, bet she will also not get off easy on this. I do not want to end our marriage, but she seems to be leaving me no other choice at this time. I will know more once she comes back here from her three weeks stay. But things are going to be very different for. My paychecks will no longer go to her account, she will have to live off her own money. I will not tolerate her using the computers and the like that I brought into the relationship, to have any contact with this guy. I am pursuing legal means to remove him from being able to contact me, her my extension and if she does make contact she will be held accountable for that in the courts eyes. She is a lost person, has been from a very young age. I will not allow the disrespect she has shown me to continue. So she either makes a choice to end our marriage in a divorce, or she makes the attempt to save it. 

Thats my thinking right now.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You are probably much younger than I am. When I read your thread I hear REO Speed Wagon "Time for Me to Fly". I suggest you follow the
Lyrics.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Ohio
Let's leave your problems out of this for a minute
Your wife has most likely spent the past week or at least a few days in a hotel with another man. If you do not believe that we cannot help you until you get out of denial.
She is also cheating on you with others electronicsllly.

So cancel the MC . You do not do that with an active cheater. Waste of your money
Stop threatening divorce and get to an attorney and file . You can stop it if by some miracle she can prove she wants to stop cheating, and crying is not her proof of stopping.
You are playing the lick me game . That is a guaranteed losing strategy.

If you do not have kids you are one lucky dude with a wife doing what she is. Get rid of her. You can do better

Now stop blaming yourself , get MAD . And play hardball. 

If sharing your wife is acceptable the ignore what everyone is telling you here. It will continue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Get a divorce, clean up your drinking act, take control of your life. Once a cheater, most likely always a cheater. You have to realize that once a woman checks out emotionally and mentally to the point of seeing (and clearly sleeping with) another person it's done for. At this point, every time spent on your time trying to "figure things out", is more time for her to carefully plan her exit leaving you in the dust holding the bag.

Tough words but you'll be glad I was this blunt with you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

lostinoh said:


> Stopped hitting the booze, and will continue with that regardless of what happens. She is very young emotionally, her own parents admit that they failed with her. This is her way of trying to run me off and hurt me, I understand that. The other man is more or less controlling her emotions at this point. He is 30 I am 26, wife is 28. I served in the military as did he, difference is I made a life after I was in the military, even though I have my C.I.B. (combat infantry badge) and did see some horrible combat. This guy lives off the government in an extended stay hotel, claiming ptsd even though he never saw a day of combat in his life. Whatever, he's ****ing up the V.A. system for people that really need it.
> 
> Also, my wife is horrible at dealing with her emotions, she loves to run away. Been her M.O. for years. There are no children in our marriage, despite a back and fourth between her. I honestly feel with everything, I will not let her go yet. I won't let her continue on the cycle she is on. I want my marriage to work but she understands so little of me and so very, very little of herself. I just want to know what footing to take here. I know we can still work things out if she is willing to and ends this affair. Guy has 3 kids to two different women and they have all left him. I will not allow my wife to end up being abused by him like he has others.
> 
> ...


Okay, retired soldier here.

Mission?

Bullshyte. That is just another excuse for codependency and tolerating the intolerable.

Pull your head out of your fourth point of contact.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

IMO should should text her right now, and tell her if she ended up seeing this POS then she should not bother coming home at all.....all you will need is her address for the D paperwork to be served to her.

She had her chance....told you she was ending it.

You screwed up by allowing her to resume talking to this turd.....but she decided to actively pursue the A once again despite her promises.

Kick her to the curb hard........expose the A and the fact they are meeting right now to both your families and all friends.

Then go dark on her after texting her the above message about not bothering to come home.

And then see a lawyer ASAP and start the D paperwork.

If you do want ANY chance at saving the M, she has to see that she is about to lose her life as she knows it and be forever labeled as the cheater who destroyed her M for some useless sack of sh*t dirtbag.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pack all of her crap in garbage bags and leave them on the front porch. Change the locks. File for divorce. 

That you would even entertain the thought of reconciling with a woman who would treat you with this amount of disrespect is foggy thinking on your part. She doesn't love you brother, or she would not be treating you so cruelly. 

You are young and have plenty of time to start life over and find a woman who respects you and won't cheat on you. There are a few of them still out there.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I am married to an Alcoholic (now recovering, sober 8 months), congrats on your continuing sobriety. Being married to an A is the most heart wrenching experience a person can go through, it destroys you. I was 25 when I got married and my H was fairly heavy drinking by that time, out late, drunk, aggressive, fights, etc.
Now I can understand the emotional impact it has on your WW, the loneliness, the pain, the impact of broken promises, the shattering of dreams etc. However, (and I think I am qualified to speak here) it does not mean that it gives her the entitlement to cheat, yes it may have caused her to look to someone else but that is no excuse.
So you continue working on yourself, get dry, seek help from AA. Recommend she goes to Al-Anon to get the help she needs, cause she too needs to recover from the devastating affects of your drinking.

YOu do the 180, call a lawyer and tell her you are having the papers drawn up unless she comes home immediately and commits to working on the marriage, no more contacting the OM , etc. If she does not then proceed with divorce. For your to recover from PTSD, alcoholismm ,etc you need stability.


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

lostinoh as hard as it sounds you have to disconnect from her emotionally buddy because she's done that to you a good while ago. - You have to get to that place as fast as you can.

Do this by 
Taking down any pictures in the house, anything of hers that serves as a reminder, re arrange your house to suit you!, put her stuff all together and ask her to come and collect it or it will be dumped
IF you want to Win at this you need to go through a revolution, you've already begun by stopping drinking, well done, keep it going!! 
Get busy, do things you couldn't do because of her, meet your pals and see family, go play sports, go to the movies, fill your week with good things that you can do for you!

Look at the guy you were before you met this woman....would THAT GUY tolerate this type of disrespect? would he tolerate being plan B ? GOD NO -You've seen combat my friend and have accolades for your bravery!!! 

Be an Alpha and show her you wont take this crap and you're moving on with your life, fake it till you make it if you have to!!!, and file for D, move fast, spin her in to a whirlwind. 
As mentioned D can be halted at any time.

Keep up the 180 and don't listen to anything she says its all BS and gas lighting, she is not who she was and in all likelihood never will be again


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

straightshooter said:


> Ohio
> 
> You are playing the lick me game . That is a guaranteed losing strategy.
> 
> ...


Errr, ummmm, ... I think this was a typo.

I'm pretty sure he means " playing the Pick me game". 


Unless you're all lesbians of course, .... not that there's anything wrong with that.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dude, you have to cut your losses. Let's be real here; she's not visiting family, she's been banging this guy. With no kids and involved, I advise to just file. Work on getting your head straight. Would strongly suggest some individual counseling to deal with any PTSD you may be suffering from.

Time to overhaul your life. No more drinking. Hit the gym and selfishly work on yourself. Do you rent or own? If you rent, move out as quickly as financially possible. In the interim, separate the finances and cancel any joint credit cards. Don't finance her wh0ring on you. Also, kick her out of marital bed. You don't want to share a bed with a woman willing to screw internet strangers.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

lostinoh said:


> *I am not afraid of her leaving me.* I am taking her power to do such away. I am in control of my life. I want to help her, but she has to be willing.


More importantly, you can't be afraid of leaving *her*.

If you are truly in control of your life, then you have to be the one to make the decisions here, not her. The first one you should make, is that you are on a straight ahead path to divorce. If and only if, she shows remorse and accepts consequences, *you can choose* to "consider" delaying the process to re-access.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> You are probably much younger than I am. When I read your thread I hear REO Speed Wagon "Time for Me to Fly". I suggest you follow the
> Lyrics.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGwCP2hX2FM

Good choice ... there was a time when I wore out this song on repeat.

It should really speak to a young BH coming to terms with how he picked someone that is simply NOT marriage material.

Again and unfortunately ... "This message is brought to you by the Voice of Experience"


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You gave her your blessing to continue a "friendship" w/ her EA partner?

_*SERIOUSLY...?!?*_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Another REO tune that should resonate with a BH dealing with an entitled WW:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUxFg4auJm0


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> You gave her your blessing to continue a "friendship" w/ her EA partner?
> 
> _*SERIOUSLY...?!?*_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed, but this guy is only 25 and has been M'd since he was a teenager. This is exactly the kind of decisions young guys make when they find themselves in a ****storm before they've acquired the emotional maturity and experience to handle it.

I feel for him, because I've been where he is now once upon a time, although he is extremely lucky not to have the added complication of children. He just needs to treat this as a learning experience, cut her loose, move on with his life and not look back, other than to use this experience to avoid the same mistakes in the future.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MyRevelation said:


> Agreed, but this guy is only 25 and has been M'd since he was a teenager. This is exactly the kind of decisions young guys make when they find themselves in a ****storm before they've acquired the emotional maturity and experience to handle it.


With that in mind, I'll say this --

I saw mention of his WW taking a trip to visit this guy under the guise of visiting her family.

If that's correct, then they f*cked, and to think otherwise would be EXTREMELY naive.



MyRevelation said:


> I feel for him, because I've been where he is now once upon a time, although *he is extremely lucky not to have the added complication of children. He just needs to treat this as a learning experience, cut her loose, move on with his life and not look back, other than to use this experience to avoid the same mistakes in the future.*


I'd agree.

I'd also advise him to grow up and stop using the bottle as a crutch.

ETA: File for divorce ASAP.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

This is a train wreck, get off it now before it runs off the cliff. Dump her. You have nothing invested but time. You're young enough to rebuild and find a real woman who will give you everything she has because she truly loves you.

This story sounds familiar. Did you post this already?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

does not sound so great to me. too little too late. Once a woman falls out of love it is over...there is no going back. 

I would seriously discuss divorce with her, if you can get her on the phone. see if she really wants to end things. Point out you ARE trying, are in AA and could use some support from her. I am not sure "quitting your job to work on your marriage" counts in her eyes....she wants you to have a job to pay the bills, and probably at this point does NOT want you hanging around the house 100% of the time. part of getting off the sauce is about having a steady job.

wish you luck.


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

while i was going through my separaton, one of the most honest thing i remember somebody telling me was "you dont want to be with somebody that doesnt want to be with you" as much as that hurt i had to admit that it was the most difficult things to over come, but i did it, and once you get that person out of your life you will be better off, is hard but is for the best, she will try to come back she might not, but in all honesty theres something better out there for you, is been 3 years for me and if i were to say something to my ex it would be THANKS cus i found happiness and thanks for her mistakes i am who i am now

back to the topic, you need to ask yourself if you want to be with that person, yes she might cut off all contact, but she will still think about that person while shes with you, and even if she denies it, it will bother you and you wont be at peace, so do yourself a favor and get out while you can, cus if you stay with her you will be in a bad situation which i hate for you to be, and probably back at drinking.


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## Sephirox (Sep 18, 2016)

Wow, this has gone far off the deep end. Looks like an EA possibly turned PA??? If so, honestly your best move is to get out, she seems invested into this new guy now


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello lostinoh,

Any news ? She was due back on the 8th (Thursday) - did she come back ? What happened since then ? Are you OK?

Take care buddy.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

You know she was staying with this dude while she was gone don't you? Because she was.

She has an EA and you say it's ok to continue the friendship? I'd scratch a hole all the way through my skull trying to figure that one out. I hope, at least, you've learned that it's not ok for your wife to be friends with other men that she wants to replace you with, right?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Ohio, let us know you're OK. We're concerned about you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It doesn't seem all that you have had to go through isn't worth getting her back. I would continue down the path of the divorce and, who knows, maybe it's enough to scare her straight? If you do give her another chance I would do so with very solid boundaries in place. It doesn't seem that it's likely at this point that getting back with her would be the smart move, especially since you have no kids. You can start over with someone who you are her first priority.


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