# end of rope?



## nearly_had_enuf (Mar 23, 2012)

Long time lurker here; I feel kind of silly posting but I’m not sure what else to do, and I’m not even sure this is in the right section. Basically I have been starving for intimacy from my wife for the past 25 years. Since day one of our marriage she has never really been interested in sex, bait and switch, we did have sex before we were married and it seemed OK. Anyway over the years this has just been an endless source of disappointment, and out of frustration I have suggested we divorce on more than several occasions, but she always cried and pleaded with me not to leave. Of course nothing ever changed. At one point several years ago she maybe realized my frustration and so she wouldn’t deny sex when I tried to initiate, but she sure didn’t try to make it enjoyable either. In fact it’s outright horrible, she blocks my attempts to touch her, she doesn’t like foreplay, and it’s a struggle to actually do anything; in the end I just feel demoralized. 

She worked at her career early in our marriage, which I appreciate because we were able to buy a nice house, but since the kids were 5 years old or so, she has not worked - the kids are now in the 19-20 year range. 

A year ago I found out that she was regularly seeing another older man; I intercepted some emails, text messages that kind of thing - if I knew she didn’t dislike sex so much I would have been convinced she was having an affair from those messages, but she is adamant that they only met a few times for coffee. Maybe an emotional affair, I don’t really know. The curious thing is that immediately after I found out, we had what I would consider reasonable sex and communication for a few months, she didn’t seem as frigid. I’ve read that this is called emotional bonding. Well, of course, that didn’t last very long and now we’re back to where we were before, worse even, particularly because I know she can be less frigid if she wants to. I am at the point now where I don’t even want to touch her because it just turns out to be a horrible experience and I feel discouraged for several days afterwards. I don’t need that because my job has enough stress and discouragement as is. 

This really isn’t so much about sex as it is intimacy, she has always been cold, she doesn’t like to hug or kiss and she certainly would never hug or kiss me. Also when I do try and hug her she won’t reciprocate, just keeps her arms in front of her, which is also kind of demoralizing. So anyway, I am arranging to see a councilor next week. There are obviously some serious problems, and after some reading, including on this site, I have started to wonder whether maybe she was abused as a child or something. Alternatively she just lost interest in me, or just doesn’t like sex with me, wasn’t really attracted to me in the first place maybe. Whatever the reason, I have to get on with what is left of my life, I can’t live like this any more. There just does not seem to be any desire to make things better, I have asked her to go with me to a councilor but she just thinks it’s a waste of money. 

I will probably have to push through with a divorce because I can’t see anything changing for the better. The kids are older now, but they will still resent and hate me because she has waited on them hand and foot while growing up. So, I guess my main expectation in talking to a councilor is to help me get through this transition.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

No more intimacy = no more marriage. Your marriage is already over. Contact your lawyers for getting the best divorce arrangements you can get. Good luck.

Maybe your so-called wife will again crying and pleading for you not to leave her, but haven't you given her the chances already?

And don't forget to transmit your story of being baited-and-switched to the next generation, to prevent them from making the same mistake.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sounds like she was having an EA a long time ago and that you caught her. Then all of a sudden she wants sex, but only a few months of that and back to being cold and sexless again? Is she still seeing this guy, another guy, EA or sexual?

The kids are 19 - 20 years old, done high school and out of the house. More time for you two to have mini holiday get away together, vacations, more sex, etc. Yet this is not the case.

Could be menopause. After that, little to no sex for some women and get her hormones checked.

Sounds like she is a LD woman from day one. Even talking about this and divorce, they just get upset, talk more and in the end, 25 years later, still a prude LD of a woman.

Usually what happens, HD hubby meets LD wife. In the end, there is no sexual compromise, just her LD situation and none for you, yet you are her husband?!

If she was abused as a child or had a bad and abusive relationship before she met and married you, she should of communicated that to you from the moment she knew she was going to marry you. You could of worked it out and had okay to great sex the entire 25 years.

If marriage counseling does nothing, she isn't willing to really have the talk with you about why she is like this, I say, move on.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I think you're too quickly writing off the possibility of an affair based on what you have. 

I think the old saying for some women goes "it's not that women aren't interested in sex, just not with their husbands." 

In any case your kids are older and if you have been truly unhappy for 25 years and convinced that no changes are coming then now is the time to move on while you still can. 



nearly_had_enuf said:


> Long time lurker here; I feel kind of silly posting but I’m not sure what else to do, and I’m not even sure this is in the right section. Basically I have been starving for intimacy from my wife for the past 25 years. Since day one of our marriage she has never really been interested in sex, bait and switch, we did have sex before we were married and it seemed OK. Anyway over the years this has just been an endless source of disappointment, and out of frustration I have suggested we divorce on more than several occasions, but she always cried and pleaded with me not to leave. Of course nothing ever changed. At one point several years ago she maybe realized my frustration and so she wouldn’t deny sex when I tried to initiate, but she sure didn’t try to make it enjoyable either. In fact it’s outright horrible, she blocks my attempts to touch her, she doesn’t like foreplay, and it’s a struggle to actually do anything; in the end I just feel demoralized.
> 
> She worked at her career early in our marriage, which I appreciate because we were able to buy a nice house, but since the kids were 5 years old or so, she has not worked - the kids are now in the 19-20 year range.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she was banging the guy she met for coffee.

and when you came close to finding out she up'ed the sex with you to calm you down now that she thinks your off her trail she prob see him again.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

nearly_had_enuf said:


> A year ago I found out that she was regularly seeing another older man; I intercepted some emails, text messages that kind of thing - if I knew she didn’t dislike sex so much I would have been convinced she was having an affair from those messages, but she is adamant that they only met a few times for coffee.


First of all, you can't trust your wife. She lied to you about wanting a sexual marriage when you were dating. She hid her relationship with this other man from you. She is not trustworthy. As others have said, she was very likely having sex with him.



nearly_had_enuf said:


> There are obviously some serious problems, and after some reading, including on this site, I have started to wonder whether maybe she was abused as a child or something.


I'm laughing here. But I'm laughing with you, not at you. I'm laughing because I used to think the way you do. And it's a typical thought process for men.

See, we're arrogant. If our wives don't want to have sex with us, there must be something wrong with them. Because we're awesome. They must have been abused as children.

I used to believe that. Then, I figured out that my wife wasn't aversive to sex. She was aversive to sex with me. There's a big difference. Once I stopped being like me, and became more like a more attractive man, my wife magically got over all her issues (abuse, exhaustion, etc.) that prevented her from having sex with me.



nearly_had_enuf said:


> There just does not seem to be any desire to make things better, I have asked her to go with me to a councilor but she just thinks it’s a waste of money.


You haven't given her the proper motivation. So far, you have told her that you're unhappy, and you would like things to change. Well, she doesn't care about that. She has a good thing going. She has spent 15 years being provided for. And she hasn't had to worry about your happiness for 25 years. Why would she want to change that?

So stop giving her the choice of having her needs met while making you happy, or having her needs met while making you miserable. That's a game she can't lose. You have to make her an offer she can't refuse. Either she makes you happy, or you take it all away. She gets a job. She gets a studio apartment. She starts paying for her own insurance.

Having enthusiastic sex is much easier than all of that nonsense. You may be surprised by how much you can motivate her with the proper incentives.



nearly_had_enuf said:


> The kids are older now, but they will still resent and hate me because she has waited on them hand and foot while growing up.


If your kids think that husbands are obligated to wait on their wives hand and foot, while the wives are obligated to wait on their children hand and foot, then you need to wake them up to the way the real world works. You have failed in the past in giving them this false belief. But it is better to wake them up now to the proper roles of husbands and wives than it is to let them keep believing in their fairy tales until they marry heartless shrews of their own and become miserable themselves.

I recommend you read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and start running the Marriage Action Plan (MAP). It gives you a good path to take on your way to your ultimatum.

Good luck.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> First of all, you can't trust your wife. She lied to you about wanting a sexual marriage when you were dating. She hid her relationship with this other man from you. She is not trustworthy. As others have said, she was very likely having sex with him.
> 
> 
> I'm laughing here. But I'm laughing with you, not at you. I'm laughing because I used to think the way you do. And it's a typical thought process for men.
> ...


That won't be enthusiastic sex, that would be duty/chore sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have tolerated this crappy treatment. Therefore you are weak. Therefore she cannot get turned on by you. 

If you want to diagonse her "disease" of low libido, you will run down all sorts of rabbit holes.

You are a man, your sexual feelings are always "just there"... Women are not men. They are not sex driven. They need a male acting like a male tlo bring out their sexual feelings.

Read pararagraph one again.

Then turn it around.

You must be strong. That will turn on your wife. A man needs to reject crappy treatment to have a woman become sexual toward him.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

nearly_had_enuf said:


> if I knew she didn’t dislike sex so much I would have been convinced she was having an affair from those messages, but she is adamant that they only met a few times for coffee.


She dislikes sex with YOU.

That doesn't rule out her having sex with OTHER GUYS.

Just like this other poster said:



PHTlump said:


> See, we're arrogant. If our wives don't want to have sex with us, there must be something wrong with them. Because we're awesome. They must have been abused as children.
> 
> I used to believe that. Then, I figured out that my wife wasn't aversive to sex. She was aversive to sex with me. There's a big difference.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

techmom said:


> That won't be enthusiastic sex, that would be duty/chore sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not necessarily. Sometimes, woman actually become attracted to their husbands when their husbands stop acting like doormats and lay down the law. So it is possible that the OP can become attractive to his wife.

However, even if she does give him begrudging, chore sex, he would be no worse off than he is now. He can always divorce her. If he improves himself, makes her an ultimatum, and she can't deliver, he just pulls the trigger on the divorce.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You have no way to know what is going on in her head. All you can judge her by are her actions. You can and should trust your gut.

Having said that, what you describe is indeed consistent with some form of child sex abuse. In that case it is quite possible she is not capable of emotional or sexual intimacy with you. Yet she could be very capable of sexual intimacy with other men.

So it is quite possible that despite her seeming to be asexual to you she is in fact quite sexual with others.

The bottom line is you can state your expectations and you can have your boundaries. She either meets your minimum requirements or not.

The specter of the affair is another whole issue. I would at this point assume most likely it was what was most likely. Based on the messages you would assume she was having an affair. So I would go with that as being most likely. 

If it becomes a sticking point for you, it will have to be resolved. Most likely some form of polygraph would be where you are headed in order to get some measure of truth.

Is there any indication the contact continues? Are you monitoring via keylogger or voice recorder?


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