# unsure



## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

Hello all,
My wife and I are 50ish, and I am going through a lot of emotions right now. Our children are grown and on their own, this should be the best time of our lives, ITS NOT!
My wife and I have been married for 26 yrs. she is from across the country and goes to visit family a couple of times a year. We have had our issues over the years, but about 2 years ago I found a picture of a note she had written to someone. It basically says she hated leaving and that he makes her the happiest she’s been. This was RIGHT after we finished building our new home. I never confronted her on it, I’ve been trying to process all I read. I have NEVER been unfaithful to her, I did however suspect she was on the verge about 10 years ago. We have been to counseling a couple of times, years ago, with limited results. We are currently disagreeing on finances and she has decided to withhold intimacy. I’m going mad trying to figure out what I should do. I love her, but she is making things harder and harder to accept. I want to confront her, but I am not good a confrontation. My thoughts jumble and nothing comes out like I want it to. She stays up later than I do on Facebook and Instagram, I hear the videos and such. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

She's cheated on you (you have proof with the note), not having sex with you, and you are wondering what to do? Man up and file for divorce. You don't need to confront, just go to a lawyer, get the papers drawn up, and have her served. You need to take your power back because women have no respect for weak men. How have you managed to sit on this for 2 years? Doesn't that kill you inside?


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## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

Yes It has KILLED me, our oldest son has medical issues and relies on her to be a driver (eyesight). I know she's used that to keep things in check, if I mentioned her going back to work I get the sob story. I guess that's why I've let thing progress to this point.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s not having sex with you because she feels it would be cheating on her boyfriend.You ****ed up two years ago by not confronting her with the proof of her cheating and this is the result.
It’s time to man up and take back control of your life and if that means divorce or threatening divorce then so be it.
DO NOT make any threats they you are not willing to carry out,she has little or no respect for you as it is.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

sbmark said:


> Yes It has KILLED me, our oldest son has medical issues and relies on her to be a driver (eyesight). I know she's used that to keep things in check, if I mentioned her going back to work I get the sob story. I guess that's why I've let thing progress to this point.


Her sob story shouldn't matter to you. If you are in a marriage you are both expected to contribute equally. Right now you are subsidizing her life of leisure and it is at your expense. Add her infidelity, sexual blackmail, and disrespect for you and it's time to make changes. Go to a counselor focus on how to learn to stand up for yourself because you are acting very weak. If you are ever unsure what to do and are doubting yourself some good advice is: think about what you'd advise your kids todo if they were in this situation. Would you tell them to stay in an abusive and miserable relationship or to get out and make the most of their life? Then live your life as a role model to them and do those things.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, I can relate. I was married for 24 years. I let things go on for too long. When SHE decided to leave after our kids were all moved out, I was still devastated. Even though I had considered ending it earlier. I think now more than anything it was my ego that got broken and not my heart. Had I been man enough then to advocate for myself. I would have saved myself years of heart ache. Either I would have pulled the trigger myself or she might have bailed sooner. But either way it would have been better than where I was, which is where you are now - wondering.
Follow the advice you have been given and take back control of your life. No one deserves to be a door mat.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

She probably is having an affair but don't confront with what you have. She will explain it away and then be more careful.

Look Here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Also when you do confront don't give all your evidence. All that does is give her a framework to make up a story that fits. Hold back some proof to test her. For example if you find evidence that she was at a hotel twice tell her that it was only once. Then see what she says.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yes, do NOT confront until you've got more evidence. You should consider putting a key logger on her computer and voice-activated recorder (VAR) in her car. The problem is that if you confront right now, she'll deny everything and just hide the affair better. Then you'll end up living in a state of frustrating limbo, not knowing what the truth is. 

Do you have the picture of the note? If you don't she'll gaslight you when you ask her about it (lie about it and try to make you think you were hallucinating or misinterpreting things).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sbmark said:


> Yes It has KILLED me, our oldest son has medical issues and relies on her to be a driver (eyesight). I know she's used that to keep things in check, if I mentioned her going back to work I get the sob story. I guess that's why I've let thing progress to this point.


Do you imagine that standing up for yourself is going to prompt her to suddenly not be a mother to her son?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

She likely reconnected with an old boyfriend of hers from a long time ago who is still in her hometown, possibly a family friend, it's a classic affair story.

For now do not confront your W will worm her way out of anything except solid evidence. 

I think what she is doing at night on facebook and etc will tell you all you need to know. You need some digital surveillance in place.

Did she ever say that she "loves you but is not in love with you"?

What happened 10 years ago? The fact that she never came clean about that episode has enabled her current behavior.

Tamat


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to install VARS straight away and start monitoring her phone. I'm guessing the affair or a new affair is still going on hence why no sex for you.

Start to discreetly seperate all money and ensure you rub her off any joint credit cards. In short you have to stop supporting her foul behavour.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> She’s not having sex with you because she feels it would be cheating on her boyfriend.You ****ed up two years ago by not confronting her with the proof of her cheating and this is the result.
> It’s time to man up and take back control of your life and if that means divorce or threatening divorce then so be it.
> DO NOT make any threats they you are not willing to carry out,she has little or no respect for you as it is.


Either that or she has a "fulfilling" Emotional Affair and the lack of sex is just a control mechanism to make @sbmark "see sense."

An Emotional Affair and controlling the spouse by withholding sex.

Not very good at this being married stuff, is she?


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## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

Thanks for the great responses!!

I do have a copy of the pic of the note and I believe a pic of the guy, he's married as well (huge surprise, I know). Due to the previous issues I've learned to copy and photo.

I don't think she will be any less of a mother, but I'm positive she will convince him to move back home, and alienate me from grandchild.

10 yrs ago I caught on to her via the cellphone bill, she was driving around after work talking to him instead of coming home, classic "he had just had a bad break up". I demanded she stop talking to him and the number stopped showing on the bill. Now she may have went to a burner phone, but she seemed to come back to herself. He was a guy who lived in the next town.

This time started basically the same way, recurring number on the bill, text and calls. She said it was a friend from school, I tried to call the number and confront him and he hung up when it heard my voice. Once I did that the number stopped, then she changed to an iPhone and gave me the Android she was throwing away. I pulled the memory card and saved it. What I have found out now is that if both parties use iPhone the calls and texts do NOT show on the bill!!


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## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

She's never said "I love but not in love with you"


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There’s only one thing to do here, if you’re not want to have a woman that loves you.

Stop fearing the unknown and do what you know is the right thing. See a lawyer: Privately. Find out if proving infidelity will help your case in any way. If not, just divorce her. Don’t add to the game aim by finding ou more. You know she has a cheating heart. Set her free to do what she wants. 

You’ll be setting yourself free, too. And I assure you, there’s a better woman out there waiting.

But......., your weakness in dealing with these things has contributed to you being here. Get some counseling and get help with that.

Sorry you’re here.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Kick her cheating ass to the curb.

Or forever lick your wounds.


Man up and have some self respect.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, two questions/issues here.

1) Is the marriage good enough over the recent past to want to stay? Ignoring any potential cheating, do you enjoy living with her? Do you see your future with her being fun and fulfilling?

2) Is her obvious cheating in the past a deal breaker for you? And related, if she were in an affair of some sort now would that be a deal breaker for you?

I think you need to separate things out a bit. A lot of us are unhappy in the marriage but have great difficulty being able to divorce. We need an excuse. When it is like your situation where there is no certainty on whether she is cheating today or even what level of cheating may have happened in the past, it is easy to get stuck in a data gathering mode. You start looking for that piece of information which rises to the level of justifying divorce.

So, if your marriage is just not acceptable as-is today, it isn't acceptable! You don't need to find proof of cheating. If the lack of sex, and her blackmailing you by withholding sex, is a deal breaker, you can just divorce her because of that. If you've grown apart and just don't enjoy living with her, you can divorce her.

Your disabled son is not really factor, because he will be ok no matter what happens with your marriage.

I suggest a couple of books for you. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover, and "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith. I think you are not believing you have the right to happiness or to be your own boss. You may be too worried about your W's feelings or her welfare. However, from what you describe it sounds like she is not living up to her wedding vows in many ways. She vowed to forsake all others. Not just to not have sex with others, but to forsake all others. That means putting you and the marriage first. She vowed to have and to hold, which means to have sex and to provide comfort. She vowed to honor, cherish, respect (or something similar).

When she is not living up to her side of the marriage contract, you are not beholden to stay. She has not participated meaningfully in MC in the past. She chooses to bully you with emotional blackmail and sex.

At your age, time is a significant factor. Retirement is getting closer. Your health will be declining. Your marketability to other women as potential long term partners will reduce. Fifty is not the kiss of death! But the reality is that 50 is better than 55, is better than 60. I would advise you to seek a timely resolution. This includes whatever sleuthing is necessary to determine if she is cheating now, and what may have happened in the past. That is probably a 1 month timeline. Do forensics on her old phone. If she has any other Apple devices on the same AppleID as her phone it will sync with all her messages on her phone. (Be careful not to try to pair a new device unless you have full access to her current devices and all emails). Put a VAR in her car, keylog the computer, VAR in the room she has the late night skypes. You could even nanny-cam that area, though be cautious because woman tend to notice new decorations like a stuffed animal or clock-radio.

Next if there is proof of affairs you can decide to D or attempt R. If there is no strong evidence, you can insist on MC and insist on her putting in honest effort. I'd look at a 30 to 90 day window there for real sustained effort. If no real effort at 30 days, she isn't going to do the work. If she does put in real effort for a sustained 90 days, there is a chance things can work out ok.

You don't have to hate her to divorce her. It doesn't have to be a big horrible war.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how far are you willing to take this ? are you willing to plant Voice Activated devices to hear her in her car or away from you, are you willing to place GPS and track her movements? are you willing to hire a PI and do deep investigation? are you willing to ask her to take a polygraph ? are you willing to find this guy and go to his wife with evidence? are you willing to divorce her? if your not then accept it and move on...but if you have had enough then you need to do everything to get to the truth.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are wallowing in infidelity. 

Send the note to his wife.

Or continue to roll over and take it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not trying to be mean or intentionally hurtful but I am going to be blunt and not sugarcoat anything. 

You have been asleep at the helm and have been negligent in preserving the sanctity and health of your marriage. You may feel like a victim here but you have been derelict in your duty as husband. 

After her first affair, you gave her a Mulligan and basically let her have a free pass. 

Since she had no repurcussions to her first affair, she was emboldened and had no reason not to engage in other affairs. 

Upon discovery of another affair, you have intentionally done nothing. Your inactions essentially condone and support her affair. 

Then you are allowing her to unilaterally end the intimate component of your marriage. 

You have rolled over and given up on your marriage and allowed it to die. But instead of holding a nice funeral for it and giving it a dignified burial and then carrying on with the rest of your life as a single man or finding another partner or even just hanging out on the couch in your underwear and enjoying a cold beer and Netflix, you are simply doing nothing and allowing her to carry on with other men as she pleases and to give you the cold shoulder in bed. 

My advice to you is do something. Take an actual action. And quite frankly, I don't really care what action you take and I am not sure it really matters what you do as long as you DO SOMETHING. 

Your current inaction is weakness, fear and negligence. Nothing is less attractive to women than those three things in a man. 

My advice is grow some giblets. Come up with a plan and take action, do something and then live with the results.

I don't care what it is you do, just take some form of definitive action. I don't care if you toss her out and divorce her. I don't care of you pack up and take up with some other chick. I don't care if you go all cave man and take her phone and computers and douse them with gas and set them on fire in front of her. I don't care if you drag her by her hair into marriage counseling. I don't care if you load her into the car, drive her to her boyfriend's house and either leave her there for him or pound the geshsnockers out of him in front of her - but for the love of God take a stand and do something.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

You have a couple of issues that are mixing you up. Don't issue-hop. Start your 180 and file on her right now. Most of all, refrain from rug-sweeping. You did that 10 years ago and it got you nowhere.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I have been married 30+ years, our kids are on their own also
If my wife did any of this she would be gone in a heart beat.
If I did the same I would be gone as well. This is called respect.
If she is disrespecting you do not stand for it and do not stay.
Key logger on the computer if she stays up late at night,
If she does this often should not take long to find out what
she is doing. If you get a phone number try reverse phone 
search. Keep your evidence some place safe. Try and Gps her car
if you can get access to her phone gps it. That way you will know
where she is even if she tells you something else. You can research
how to do this online if you need to. STAND UP AND BE HAPPY IN YOUR LIFE
DO NOT LET HER BLAME YOU FOR ANY OF THIS!!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Marc878 said:


> You are wallowing in infidelity.
> 
> Send the note to his wife.
> 
> Or continue to roll over and take it.


This. Not sure what you want from this forum. You've gotten the same, appropriate advice from several people now. You are just too afraid to act on it. 

Let us know when you finally do.


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## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

Apologies, I have been working 14hr days at work this weekend and not able to respond. I do appreciate the advice and purchased "No more Mr Nice Guy" and am reading it whenever possible. I have talked to a friend who recommended a good lawyer and will call to make and appointment. I have decided that confronting her will do no good, hopefully a lawyer will tell me my states rules for proof, and can act from there. THNKS AGAIN!


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Gather your proof but do not tell her how you know 
Do not tell her everything you know. A little at a time maybe
she will then confess more. Keep your proof away from the house.
Safe where she cannot get it. She is at fault do not let her blame you
for anything. NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING IF SHE WAS OR IS UNHAPPY
SHE SHOULD TRY AND FIX IT FIRST THEN DIVORCE IF NEED TO


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Do you know the guy?


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## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

No, he's from her home town, about 1200 miles away. I have seen pics tho.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Unfortunately a note like "You've made me happier than I've ever been" is not going to be adequate proof of infidelity. You might even live in a state where infidelity doesn't even factor into the divorce settlement.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Yes, do NOT confront until you've got more evidence. You should consider putting a key logger on her computer and *voice-activated recorder (VAR) in her car. *The problem is that if you confront right now, she'll deny everything and just hide the affair better. Then you'll end up living in a state of frustrating limbo, not knowing what the truth is.
> 
> Do you have the picture of the note? If you don't she'll gaslight you when you ask her about it (lie about it and try to make you think you were hallucinating or misinterpreting things).


IANAL but I think in some states this is a crime.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Good move on getting a lawyers advice. Now prepare to seperate any joint finances. Unfortunately when stricking in Divorce you need to hit hard and fast.


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## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

I am calling a lawyer tomorrow. Her note says way more than that, I don't want to post it here tho. We have joint and separate accounts, she shredded the joint credit cards a couple of months ago. Changing my direct deposit is easy enough.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

sbmark said:


> I am calling a lawyer tomorrow. Her note says way more than that, I don't want to post it here tho. We have joint and separate accounts, she shredded the joint credit cards a couple of months ago. Changing my direct deposit is easy enough.


Sounds like she is getting ready as well.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Better get moving. Find a way to contact other mans wife and inform her.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Just a side note, if you do expose to anyone make sure you have concrete evidence when you do. I understand you can't tell us all the evidence you have but what you have told us (and I'm sure your wife is in fact cheating) doesn't exactly sound like a smoking gun. If your proof can be explained/rationalized/lied/gaslighted/downplayed away, they will do it unless you have them dead to rights. 

However I do agree that confrontation is unnecessary, overrated, and always has the potential to backfire on the BS. I've said time and time again, the best confrontation for a cheating spouse is having them served with divorce papers on the grounds of adultery out of the blue.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Sorry. The marriage is dead. Act in your own behalf before she takes you to the cleaners.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

sbmark:

1. Get the divorce papers in hand. Filing is not divorcing. That takes time. In the mean time, if things work out to your satisfaction, the divorce can be stopped.

2. Serving her at work is sometimes the shocker needed. 

3. Her cross country trips without you end NOW!

4. She may have the papers ready to file on you already.

5. No "R" without a polygraph.

6. DNA your children. They will need to know who their real father is for medical reasons if nothing else. Even if you don't think there is a question, it sends a message.

7. Demand an STD test. It also sends a message.

8. Is the other man married. If so, expose, in fact expose to anyone who will listen.

9. Demand a timeline of the affair.

10. Women are drawn to strength, courage, & decisiveness. Be strong, be courageous, be decisive. It is the only thing that will get you out of infidelity. I don't care if you "R" or "D". You have to get out of infidelity first. Good luck.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

sbmark, you don't have to have a raging confrontation. You only need to state what it is that you want, and stick to it.
Don't issue-hop because that gets everyone off track. It's the 180! That and the lawyer right now.


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## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

The Lawyer I want to use is out of the office this week, for spring break. We had a disagreement Sunday evening, which lead me to disclosing to her that I had the pix. Later she said we should probably D, I agreed that its probably best. she moved into the spare room for lack of another place for her to stay. I woke up yesterday and she was back in my bed. Yesterday when I got home from work she was acting as if NOTHING happened or was said..... I kept my distance and didn't say much. 

She is the master of issue-hopping!


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## sbmark (Mar 16, 2018)

Forgot to say, of course she denied any and all. I didn't show her the pix


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Keep strong and do not wavier in your stance. You deserve to be "first" in her life.

Good luck.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Reproduce part of the note by hand in the same room as her. Hand it to her as you are leaving the room and tell her you will speak with a lawyer in a few weeks. 

Then at the first of the week get things finished at the law office and have her served before The week is up. Have all of your stuff ready at the same time. Then see if you are able the R after she is served. If she swallows her pride and is finally honest with what is going on then she is truly remorseful. If she get nasty about you filling then you know she is not remorseful.


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