# 22 years of marriage ended by text.



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hi, I am at this moment spending my first day since being told my marriage is over by text and I feel pretty low.

My wife and I have actually been together for 29 years. We met when she was only 16 and me 21. I turned 50 two months ago. We have 3 wonderful children aged 7, 13 and 18. We've had our ups and downs and I'll be the first to admit that but we've always pulled through, we've been soul mates.

My problem started two weeks ago when my wife went away for a girly weekend to a themed holiday park. On her return I felt something wasn't quite right and had found that she'd been texting some guy she obviously met. She apologised and said there is nothing in it and I believe her. Looking at it now it seems this person was someone who listened and made her feel good about herself. To cut a long story short we or she decided she needed time to sort her head out. So we agreed a two week seperation. Only after a few days she text my son (as she wouldnt speak to me) to say that she's missing me really bad and could we talk things over in the week. I at this point felt quite hurt by her actions and refused stating that I needed more time myself. This seemed to make her angry and when we eventually met after a week to discuss things she just said she wasn't ready yet and that she felt she had come to a cross roads in her life and didn't know which way to turn. However, yesterday (after 11 days) she text my son again (who was a bit off with her because of the way she was treating me) and apologised for her behaviour but said that she didnt feel she loved me the way she should. I was a little annoyed at this to say the least for texting my son and for also keeping dangling on a string so I text her to ask if that it was over now? This all seems very childish I know but this is the text i got back from her:

'My dear Gary I loved you for all those years, I swear if I felt differently I would give it a go but in my heart I cannot go back, I know you are hurting bad but when the dust settles we really need to discuss financial affairs. Please take care....when you're ready to see the kids just text me...Chris'

She's been looking after the two younger children at her fathers house whilst I have been at home with my 18year old.

I cannot describe how I feel after all those years together and really cannot understand how someone can be so callous to end our 29 years together in this manner without really trying.

Incidentally, I would add that she has done this before many years ago and can be quite hard faced initially (as if its me thats done something wrong) but came back begging after 6 weeks. This time though she is splitting up our family our home and everthing we've built together.

Any advice would be welcoming. Thanks for reading.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It is so much easier to say these things as a third party than to actually do them. But if I was in your shoes I’d take myself away for a bit. A long weekend away from home. I’d find a large hill and sit at the top of it. Up there I’d make up my mind what it is I’m going to do. Do I can my marriage? Or do I try and repair it? I would definitely see myself at probably the biggest crossroad in my life.

If I’d made up my mind to try and fix my marriage, I’d drive to my in-laws place and say to my wife ”If you come home with me now, I will put 100% into making our marriage a better one. But I will only do that if you swear to me that you will be 100% in as well. That is my condition on you coming home with me. If you do not want to come home with me then I end my time with you as my wife here and now. It is your choice. I am leaving in ten minutes. It is totally up to you what you do.”.

There are many others in the Coping with Infidelity forum that are more than willing to help you out. You can ask to have your thread moved there.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Hi Gary22,
Really felt sorry to read your post. 29 years together is really huge and to end it via text will hurt bad for sure. Did you get any hint from her that she is unhappy before she went for her girly vacation?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

IMO, I think she is looking for attention. I am always promarraige and anything to fix that, is always my first choice. Everybody has ups and downs and I will be married 19 years next week. I think at this stage we get so comfortable,we forget to appreciate what we have and how to romance each other. 

First your wife should NOT be involving the kids(even adult ones) in your marraige. The years involved requires more than a text. She has already played the game before, so you know how it runs. I think I would not be begging for her to come back. I think I would say I agree, when do you want to discuss financials and I will see the kids in the morning. Throw her completeley off. Ignore her when you see the kids. Only reply to texts that involve necessary answers. Nothing about her feelings/your feelings.

Let her dangle awhile. When she realizes you are not running to keep her, she will do an about face. Or she can say **** this and leave you. But at this point, she has involved your child,went on a girl's weekend and met somone while married. At this point is she even committed? I doubt it,do you want to deal with that? The texting is something teenage kids do.

I do think that if she realizes her mistake and comes back that you go to MC or at least try to show her more attention and appreciate her and have her appreciate you. Take her on dates.I am saying make a huge effort on both sides.

This is easy for me to say as I am a third party looking in and we don't know her side. But I really feel this is a huge call that she needs attention and expects you to do the work. She knows your son will tell you what she texts. You nor she are in high school anymore. Time to communicate like adults! GOOD LUCK!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This had to be brewing longer than the girly weekend. That said, I suppose if she had a ONS with someone that could push her over the edge. She for sure got some male attention.

Amazing how so many girly trips or girly nights out really end up involving other men. 

Very strange behavior for a grown woman to be going through her son.

Not a fan of the idea of space personally. That often is just space to feed an affair. That can happen even at a relatives house as the relatives can baby sit for the WS. They are also free to text and call away without distraction.

Instigation
Isolation
Escalation

So the isolation from the male allows for escalation of the affair.

Are you sure she is texting a new guy from the trip? Could she have been texting him or other men for a while? Could she have known him and he met up with her?

Where was this girly weekend?


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies.

I do feel there may be an element of attention seeking on her part.

The weekend away was at Butlins in Minehead UK, pretty much a cattle market. But I know my wife and I know her intentions were nothing more than a bit of fun with the girls.

Our relationship has been fine but not fantastic. There have been no signs that she was unhappy but I know she was the backbone of the relationship, looking after the children, cooking and holding a full time job. She has also lost a bit of weight through walking our dogs rather a lot lately every evening. She feels good about herself I know.

One blip in our relationship was an episode a couple of years ago when I foolishly went back to a female friends home after a drink and my wife found out and today believes something happened between us........it never did. But she does bring it up a lot and the weekend before she went away we were out together and bumped into this female. I could feel the daggers she was giving the other girl. Also when questioning my wife about the texts she had been sending this other guy she brought up this women again, I guess in the hope that I would confess to something because she had just confessed to me.

I have absolutely no doubt nothing is going on between her and this other guy. I think her emotions are all over the place, the attention she received, the taste of a bit of freedom and the episode with this other women is certainly not helping.

This post may sound like I'm a bit stronger than the earlier one but I believe there is hope. I feel I need to just give her a little more time and then send her some flowers with a letter explaining my feelings. But I too have mixed emotions because I'm on the receiving end and predominantly think the worst. With a text like that from her though, is it any wonder?

Am I doing the right thing though....I don't know. Am I being too soft? I really want her back and feel I should fight for her!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

By text? How disrespectful.


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> IMO, I think she is looking for attention. I am always promarraige and anything to fix that, is always my first choice. Everybody has ups and downs and I will be married 19 years next week. I think at this stage we get so comfortable,we forget to appreciate what we have and how to romance each other.
> 
> First your wife should NOT be involving the kids(even adult ones) in your marraige. The years involved requires more than a text. She has already played the game before, so you know how it runs. I think I would not be begging for her to come back. I think I would say I agree, when do you want to discuss financials and I will see the kids in the morning. Throw her completeley off. Ignore her when you see the kids. Only reply to texts that involve necessary answers. Nothing about her feelings/your feelings.
> 
> ...


Thanks Tamara for that. I just feel this other women thing is pushing her away from me combined with the the excitment of going away of course. But I do think I should do the chasing.

Incidentally, the day of those texts I had actually locked all the doors so she couldnt get in the house and I knew she needed o get things. I think that enraged her and maybe why she justified to herself saying what she did. I don't know how women work sometimes.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Gary 22...this scene is often played out and it's the total sh!its...! My H was previously married for 14 years to someone who went back to school. All of a sudden, it was new friends, going out, study dates, etc. Next came the family move, 8hrs away so that she could further her career. She took the kids while H stayed back to sell up, etc. Of course, the kids would tell him of Mommy's new friend (a guy) who slept over at their house all the time (in the basement apparently). Big surprise, after a few months, the sow had her sister's husband tell Hubby that he wasn't welcome to join the rest of the family...

She's just too chicken to tell you herself cuz she knows how sh!tty it is to do something like this to someone...

Oh, and my husband's X tried to beg back after 3 months (guess her little plan didn't work out) and he told her to go pi$$ up a rope. Thankfully he was strong enough (or pi$$ed off enough) to do so...and my thanks to her for throwing a good man my way.

You don't need this kind of disrespect after almost 30 years together.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Gary22 said:


> Thanks for all your replies.
> 
> I do feel there may be an element of attention seeking on her part.
> 
> ...


Great info. Yeah I can see the pressure working on her. Hopefully she has not had a ONS. Just met a guy. She is probably pi$$ed, and who could blame her and wants some attention.

I would get in touch with her and tell her that you guys can work this out but cannot do this with her remote. Needless to say do not do this by text.

It sounds like to me that this just might be fixable but that is hangs in the balance. She is very vulnerable to an affair right now.

Yeah the text was stupid on her part. BUT I would forget about that for now and stay focused on the important stuff. You may even need to just go to where she is at and tell her face to face that nothing happened with that woman and that you messed up in your behavior because you crossed a boundary. You do not want her crossing boundaries in retaliation so the sooner you get this under control the better. Do not beg but rather be both assertive and compassionate.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The very severe problem with a separation after some form of infidelity is that is most assuredly used for the wayward one to continue it. And it seems so clear that your W has a reason why now it is suddenly so urgent that she tells you "ILYBINILWY" (basically saying if she could get her heart back in it she would but she can't and so now must leave). Sorry to put it so bluntly, but the separation wasn't to get her mind straightened, it was to get her brain screwed out. First the male attention "awakened" her and she realized she wasn't happy in the marriage", then in her mind she did the honorable thing by telling you she can't get her heart back in it, and now probably feels that she is protecting you by lying about it, or else doesn't feel like the "details" of her love life are any of your business. The crappy thing about this whole euphoria/fog she is in is that she sees it as the green light she needed to seek happiness, whereas you will realize it is preventing her from putting the required effort into her existing relationship with you. It is so divisive and undoes everything you both have worked on, I am sorry you are here and hope you find the resolution you need...


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I think she probably did get a taste of some attention. Regardless if you slept with the other woman or not,if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and it involves your mate, we always assume the worse! Yes, she was mad at you then went on a weekend away.She got some attention and now is having some second thoughts. 

If you decide to do the chasing, keep in mind there is a difference between going to fight for your marraige and begging. Stop texting! This is a marraige and although we live in the age of wonderful communication,but things don't get conveyed correctly any texts and can do more harm than good. Go to your wife and talk to her and tell her what you are willing to change in your marraige.


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

I take on board everything everyone says but right now my emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I'm a little optimistic and then other times I feel its the end.

My daughter told me that she she a tear when she sent the text. It must have been hard for her to say those things espcially after our long marriage. I guess it at least means she does have some feelings for me although I know right now they aren't enough to pull us together. I'm hoping that with a little time she will miss me and realise all she has to throw away. I guess right now things are raw and she is vulnerable. But she's not hurting bad like me and I guess that makes it a whole lot easier for her.

I have already sat down with her last week and talked about how we can work things out. But it appears that wasn't enough to convince her. She accepted then that couselling may be a good idea but since obviously knows in her own heart it won't work....going on her text. I've thought about writing her a letter as I can express my feelings better. But I guess time is the only answer.

The other sad thing about this whole affair is that we have booked to go away on holiday in four weeks. That must be a wrench on her part knowing that she won't go. That would most definitely be enough for me to accept its over.


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

It's most definitely over.

My wife has just paid me a visit to talk about the children. We both had a cuddle and a tear but she told me that she has just fallen out of love with me and wants her freedom. It's a bitter pill to swallow but I feel a little better in a strange sort of way because the anxiety has gone. And we're at least talking. I have difficult times ahead which I'm not looking forward to and of course I will always love my wife, but I'm sure I'll find happiness one day.

Thanks for all the responses and words of wisdom.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

I am so sorry to read your last post. Its tuff for now but time will heal everything. Twice in my life I thought I will never heal but now I know its not true. Forgive and let go for your own peace and happiness will find you. Take care


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Gary, forget about what she says she wants right now... what is it YOU want?

I think you have given up a little too easy, I don't think you want to know what the real reason she wants her freedom so bad, but for your own sake I think you have the right to. You were not abusive, uncaring or mean, you gave her your love and devotion and she is callously tossing those in the dumpster.

My advice is get to the bottom of her behavior and decision first, and then base your reason to let her go on the facts - if she is simply done then there is little you can do but what you are writing here - love and let go. But the timing and circumstances of this point to infidelity in which case you should be blowing it up and shaking her out of her fantasy before she is past the point of no return as to working towards fixing your marriage.

If you want to get out of your marriage now is the perfect time, but if not then get proactive - since you are already out of your home it is hard to do any kind of reconnaissance, so hire a private investigator, check her email accounts if you know passwords etc. I think for your own benefit you need to do everything you can to save this or else you will live with regret, as time passes it will become much harder for both of you to find each other or turn it back.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think people fall in and out of love in their marriages depending on the challenges. 

A big reason for falling out of love and not trying to fall back into love is that there is another person to fill the void. Maybe not 100% true but close enough.


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

I think whats happened is that she has been longing for her freedom for a few months now. She popped in to see me yesterday to sort out the children arrangements. We both cuddled and shed a tear. She said she can't come back and just wants her freedom (bearing in mind we met when she was 16). That coupled with the attention from someone else has pushed her the way she wants to go. I've tried to get her back by expressing my feelings etc but her mind is made up. Nothing I can do now will change that. She is at the moment trying to sort out somewhere to rent in the same town, that in itself will be horrible because we will drink in the same pubs. She said its inevitable that we will see each other but we must do all we can do avoid one another. Thats going to be hard in itself. She hasn't asked me to sell the house at this point as she said it's good for the children to have this stable home as well. I get the impression that deep down she feels that if her freedom/flings etc doesn't work then the option is there to return. I'm guessing of course but I know her. Of course, I hope that my love for her will disappear over time. I'm just beating myself up about things at the moment. I've taken time off work and trying to sort my finances etc out. It's very difficult to concentrate on anything tbh. I just need to focus on me at this time....which is very difficult.


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## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

I think it would be fair to say that I too have been going through the same emotions as my wife. I have been for quite a while fed up with the relationship. I would dream of meeting the perfect partner and I've always had attention from the opposite sex. But I, unlike my wife, have never had the bottle to end it because deep down I know I loved her and there was too much to loose. She has always been the backbone of the relationship and of late we've had so many problems in the house with water leaks, appliances packing up etc etc and think they have added a little to problem. I guess because she has always been the backbone of the relationship is the reason I feel so lost. Maybe this whole episode is what we need to find our true feelings. Only time will tell.


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## smartymatt (Oct 10, 2011)

good luck Gary22. Surely, you will bounce back up and happiness will be just around the corner...



Gary22 said:


> It's most definitely over.
> 
> My wife has just paid me a visit to talk about the children. We both had a cuddle and a tear but she told me that she has just fallen out of love with me and wants her freedom. It's a bitter pill to swallow but I feel a little better in a strange sort of way because the anxiety has gone. And we're at least talking. I have difficult times ahead which I'm not looking forward to and of course I will always love my wife, but I'm sure I'll find happiness one day.
> 
> Thanks for all the responses and words of wisdom.


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## eastman (Dec 25, 2011)

Your not alone. I knew something was up. I checked her messages and sure enough...filth The worse part was it was with a married co-worker.

That was the beginning of the end.

I feel for you. 22 years! Mine was only 5 years before divorse


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