# Cheated with Best friend, Now he's back. HELP



## TashaB

I've known my best friend all of my life, since i was 5. About 18 months ago he told me he loved me and always have. And it got out of control. I had sex with him, once. Then I felt terribly guilty, sick all the time. So I told my husband. My H gave me another chance and forgave me. We've been working on our marriage and on trust and have been doing well.

There's been 0 contact between me and my best friend for a year. Now all of a sudden he showed up and wants to be back in my life. He says he's sorry for doing that, for allowing it to happen. He said he wants a second chance, how can I tell him no? 

I've known him all of my life, I love him. But i'm in love with my husband. What do I do? It feels hard to breath. I want his friendship back. Doesn't he deserve a 2nd chance too? 

I haven't told my husband that I've seen him. I'm waiting to figure out what I'm going to do first. Please help!!!


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## morituri

*Tell you H right now that the OM contacted you.* If you don't then whatever progress there is to rebuild his trust in you is going to be blown apart.

If you truly love your H and want to remain married to him, then you can never again have anything to do with the OM. The two of you broke your friendship the moment the two of you chose to cross the boundaries (confessing to have feelings of love, the extra-marital sex) that made that friendship possible.


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## Thorburn

TashaB said:


> I've known my best friend all of my life, since i was 5. About 18 months ago he told me he loved me and always have. And it got out of control. I had sex with him, once. Then I felt terribly guilty, sick all the time. So I told my husband. My H gave me another chance and forgave me. We've been working on our marriage and on trust and have been doing well.
> 
> There's been 0 contact between me and my best friend for a year. Now all of a sudden he showed up and wants to be back in my life. He says he's sorry for doing that, for allowing it to happen. He said he wants a second chance, how can I tell him no?
> 
> I've known him all of my life, I love him. But i'm in love with my husband. What do I do? It feels hard to breath. I want his friendship back. Doesn't he deserve a 2nd chance too?
> 
> I haven't told my husband that I've seen him. I'm waiting to figure out what I'm going to do first. Please help!!!



Tasha, tell your husband immediately what the heck is going on with you. Your friend needs to be a past memory. He does not need a second chance he needs to be gone from your life forever. You cannot ever have it both ways. The fact that you have not told your husband speaks volumes. I am trying R with my wife though I have started the paperwork for D and it is on hold. If I found out that my WS had contact with the OM it would be over. I am at the point where I am giving her a chance and in my frame of mind this would be a deal breaker. Your husband needs to know the whole truth so he can make a choice.


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## DawnD

TashaB;531655
I've known him all of my life said:


> I suggest you march in there and tell your husband this. That you have seen the man you were screwing behind his back again, and that you want to hang out and be "friends" with him. I am sure he will help you pack your bags.....


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## JustaJerk

You can't be friends again- EVER!!!

These are the consequences of your actions. Now act like an adult and deal with the issue in that manner... like an adult- tell the truth.


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## TashaB

morituri said:


> *Tell you H right now that the OM contacted you.* If you don't then whatever progress there is to rebuild his trust in you is going to be blown apart.
> 
> If you truly love your H and want to remain married to him, then you can never again have anything to do with the OM. The two of you broke your friendship the moment the two of you chose to cross the boundaries (confessing to have feelings of love, the extra-marital sex) that made that friendship possible.


I'm going to tell my H, I'm just trying to figure things out first. And I do love him deeply, there's no one else I want to be with. 

But I don't understand why I cant give my best friend a 2nd chance? I would NEVER let it happen again and if my best friend didn't respect that then it would be over forever. This isn't something I sought out. I never thought I would EVER cheat, but I did, once. My best friend has always been in my life until recently. I've shared so much with him. Why is that wrong to have him stay? 

I made a mistake and I fessed up and am still paying for that night. I wished it had never happened. I wish it could just be like it was before it happened. Your saying he cant be in my life, I'm asking why are you saying it isn't possible for me to fix this?


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## DawnD

No, you can not FIX it. Are you even thinking of what you are asking of your husband? That he watch you hang out with a guy you CHEATED on him with? Seriously? How is that fair to him?


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## TashaB

Thorburn said:


> Tasha, tell your husband immediately what the heck is going on with you. Your friend needs to be a past memory. He does not need a second chance he needs to be gone from your life forever. You cannot ever have it both ways. The fact that you have not told your husband speaks volumes. I am trying R with my wife though I have started the paperwork for D and it is on hold. If I found out that my WS had contact with the OM it would be over. I am at the point where I am giving her a chance and in my frame of mind this would be a deal breaker. Your husband needs to know the whole truth so he can make a choice.


I most certainly AM going to tell my husband. I'm just trying to figure things out. And I can understand why a H would say if the W was in contact with OM it would be over. But was the OM her best friend for most of her life?? 

I'm not judging you, just trying to help you see my point of view in this. I want your help, would you really feel the same if the OM was the best friend for most of her life??


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## Almostrecovered

It's your husband or him, you can't have both
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT

First... if he was REALLY a good friend, he wouldn't boink you and mess with your marriage. Good friends don't do that, horny schmucks who don't really care what happens next do that.

Second.... you are sounding VERY immature, how old are you? So if your husband had sex with one of his friends you would be ok with them still hanging out later? And even if you were ok with it... doesn't mean that he should be. He is entitled to hate your bff... he is entitled to want to strangle the guy who boinked his wife. Why can't you see that? 

Third.... of course, it's your choice. You can choose your H and your marriage, and be a big girl and tell the OM to stay away, forever. Orrrrrrrrrr..... you can say goodbye to your marriage. YOU blew it.... you ruined that relationship, that friendship... YOU can't have that AND be married to your H.


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## JustaJerk

> But I don't understand why I cant give my best friend a 2nd chance? I would NEVER let it happen again and if my best friend didn't respect that then it would be over forever. This isn't something I sought out. I never thought I would EVER cheat, but I did, once. My best friend has always been in my life until recently. I've shared so much with him. Why is that wrong to have him stay?


This is a BIG red flag for me, no matter how you try and spin it.

To me, it looks like you want the best of both worlds here- you're _so-called _"BF," and your betrayed husband by your side.

He(BF) is going to be a constant trigger for your husband... don't you understand that???

Would you like it if your husband was friends with his AP, if he cheated on you?

This is a typical case of cake-eating.


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## morituri

Woman would you please put yourself in your husband's shoes for a minute? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? How would you feel if he wanted to keep his friendship with a woman he slept with?

A best friend does not go and knowingly destroy his friend's marriage. I am sorry to say this but he is NOT your friend and the sooner you accept this truth the better for you, your husband and your marriage.


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## TashaB

DawnD said:


> No, you can not FIX it. Are you even thinking of what you are asking of your husband? That he watch you hang out with a guy you CHEATED on him with? Seriously? How is that fair to him?


This whole situation makes me want to cry, but I hold it together. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want this to be any worse for him then it already is. What I am asking is that he allow us to earn his trust back. He has already started to with me.


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## DawnD

TashaB said:


> This whole situation makes me want to cry, but I hold it together. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want this to be any worse for him then it already is. What I am asking is that he allow us to earn his trust back. He has already started to with me.


He has ONLY started to trust you because you are his WIFE. He will never, and should never, trust the man who you were cheating on him with. Sorry, make a choice, the husband or the affair partner. That's what he is called BTW, not your best friend, your AFFAIR PARTNER


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## JustaJerk

Even _asking_ this would be a "slap in the face." How could you even _think_ of asking him to forgive this guy... MY GOD?!?!?!


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## morituri

TashaB said:


> What I am asking is that he allow us to earn his trust back. He has already started to with me.


This is not a marriage of 3. You made a vow to your husband when you married him to forsake all others. And that includes your so called male 'friend' who wants nothing more than another chance(s) to get in to your pants.


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## HelloooNurse

"No" usually works for me.


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## TashaB

Of course I chose my H. H is dew home soon, am nervous. I'm going to tell him when he gets here. Cant sit still, and I don't feel well.


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## DawnD

Then don't bother asking if you can be "friends" with the OM if you choose your H. That is one of the most disrespectful things I have heard on here honestly. Respect yourself and your husband, and realize this "friend" is not a friend of your marriage. Move on.


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## morituri

We are here to support you in doing the right thing.


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## aug

TashaB said:


> I've known him all of my life, I love him. But i'm in love with my husband. What do I do? It feels hard to breath. I want his friendship back. Doesn't he deserve a 2nd chance too?
> 
> I haven't told my husband that I've seen him. I'm waiting to figure out what I'm going to do first. Please help!!!



Some actions have extreme consequences. An extra-marital relationship is one of these.

Your world has now changed. It can never be the same again. You'll have to decide what you changed world is. You used to have both friend and husband; now it looks like you cant.


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## adv

You can either love and respect your husband or you can love and respect your friend (**** buddy). But if it's the latter, let your husband go so he can find a woman worthy of him.


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## morituri

No man who has confessed love to a married woman and then proceeds to have sex with her, is going to suddenly find religion and request to have the old friendship restored. That is wishful thinking on your part. He is using this as a way to re-enter your life, seduce you once more, destroy your marriage and once he's had his fill of you, throw you under the bus.

If he truly had any love for you, he would have left you and your marriage alone for true love is never selfish.


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## adv

morituri said:


> No man who has confessed love to a married woman and then proceeds to have sex with her, is going to suddenly find religion and request to have the old friendship restored. That is wishful thinking on your part. He is using this as a way to re-enter your life, seduce you once more, destroy your marriage and once he's had his fill of you, throw you under the bus.
> 
> If he truly had any love for you, he would have left you and your marriage alone for true love is never selfish.


:iagree:

Just how do you expect to remain "just friends" with a man you husband knows you cheated on him with?


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## bryanp

If the roles were reversed how would you be feeling? You really are out of your mind. Your husband gave you the gift of recovery after your horribly betrayed him by having sex with this man behind your husband's back and you are now confused about this other man coming back within your life and you want to prove to your husband that the both of you can be trusted again? What is wrong with this picture? I am sure that if your husband had screwed a good female friend behind your back then you would be thrilled to have him say to you give me and this woman another change to win back your trust together. You are absolutely crazy if you believe this. I am sorry but you are still in the fog.


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## alphaomega

If I was the betrayed husband it would be OM a$$kicking time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Married Man

I recommend that you tell your husband ASAP. 

But you probably won't.


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## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> I've known my best friend all of my life, since i was 5. About 18 months ago he told me he loved me and always have. And it got out of control. I had sex with him, once. Then I felt terribly guilty, sick all the time. So I told my husband. My H gave me another chance and forgave me. We've been working on our marriage and on trust and have been doing well.
> 
> There's been 0 contact between me and my best friend for a year. Now all of a sudden he showed up and wants to be back in my life. He says he's sorry for doing that, for allowing it to happen. He said he wants a second chance, how can I tell him no?
> 
> I've known him all of my life, I love him. But i'm in love with my husband. What do I do? It feels hard to breath. I want his friendship back. Doesn't he deserve a 2nd chance too?
> 
> I haven't told my husband that I've seen him. I'm waiting to figure out what I'm going to do first. Please help!!!


Tell your husband this man has contacted you again. No your friend does not deserve a second chance at getting into your pants and defiling your marriage further.

You even considering this is further unfaithfulness to your husband. Do not ask him him to have you f-buddy back. That is too much disrespect. Understand that it is you two who broke the marriage. Not your husband.


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## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> I most certainly AM going to tell my husband. I'm just trying to figure things out. And I can understand why a H would say if the W was in contact with OM it would be over. But was the OM her best friend for most of her life??
> 
> I'm not judging you, just trying to help you see my point of view in this. I want your help, would you really feel the same if the OM was the best friend for most of her life??


Every moment you wait to tell your husband while you "figure out what you want to do" is a moment of being unfaithful. No your "friend" does not deserve another shot at you.


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## TashaB

I cant believe this just happened to me but... Best friend had been blowing up my phone but I ignored it because H was due home soon and I wanted to talk to him. H came home and I said "we need to talk. I saw "best friends name." H just looked at me. So I said "he said he's sorry." then i didn't say anything because H just kept looking at me.

Then H said "you want to be with him?" and I said "no I love you and I don't want anyone else." H looked relieved. Then i told him "but I want to ask you something. do you trust me?" 
H - no, it's getting there
Me - well he said sorry and he wants to be best friends again. you know I haven't seen him in over a year. Do you think we could try that? Is that ok with you?
H - hell no it ain't ok with me
Me - are you mad at me for asking?
H - no because you forgive people, you always give people another chance. But you have to understand that you cant have us both in your life anymore. It's either one or the other. And I know you want to give him another chance but you cant or we're done. 

Thats when i told my H that I wont have him back in my life. Then I promised. That i was going to tell him no and it would be over, I wouldn't talk to him again. God I cant believe this happened to me... I went out on our back deck to get some fresh air while i called my best friend. But then he scared the hell out of me by walking up to me. I hadn't known he was there. 

I told my best friend no that it wont work out but he just said it's ok. That I could leave and live with him. Then he said that he was in love with me. I was going to say no again when he pulled out a ring. A f**king ring!! WTH!!??! He said will you marry me? right on my back porch. I yelled no. I didn't mean to yell, its quite late here, but he wasn't listening, and H ran outside and punched him. I started crying and H grabbed me and went back into the house. H was going to call the cops but I asked him not to. 

I cant believe this just happened to me, it's been a long day.


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## EleGirl

How about your husband cannot believe this just happened to HIM.

When you did not give your OM a clear answer of NO when he called you earlier he got his hopes up.

As you can see he has no respect for your husband or your marriage. He was not asking for another chance to be a friend. He was looking to get back with you.

I have no doubt that your marriage recovery was just set back to the first day your husband found out about the affair.


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## Entropy3000

Let me guess. Your life is usually full of extra drama. Right?

I hate drama personally. Anyway, you were disrespectiful to even ask your husband this. Then this guy is stalking you. I suggest you guys contact the police and have a report filed. Why? Because it is not over.


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## calif_hope

How can you ever consider this, their isn't anything for YOU to figure out. This is about the husband you say you love, the man that should be your priority. HOW CAN YOU EVEN CONSIDER THIS! God I can only imangibe the pain and worry this would cause your husband......to you really think that your husband being OK with you hanging out with your best friend. Your asking for the OM, the man you cheated and betrayed yourarriage with, the man who was partner in stabbing him in the back - to be back in your life could be seen by your husband as a second betrayal - possibly the straw that breaks the camels back and he kicks you to the curb.

Just think on this, what if the shoe was on the other foot......not likely you would be agreeable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sindo

EleGirl said:


> I have no doubt that your marriage recovery was just set back to the first day your husband found out about the affair.


I wouldn't necessarily agree. Tasha was firm and even vocal in rejecting the OM and choosing her husband. Yes, she waffled when OM asked for another chance, but in the end she did good.

And I believe she now knows that OM cannot be given another chance.


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## TashaB

EleGirl said:


> How about your husband cannot believe this just happened to HIM.
> 
> When you did not give your OM a clear answer of NO when he called you earlier he got his hopes up.
> 
> As you can see he has no respect for your husband or your marriage. He was not asking for another chance to be a friend. He was looking to get back with you.
> 
> I have no doubt that your marriage recovery was just set back to the first day your husband found out about the affair.


I didn't give my best friend a clear answer when he first contacted me because he was only asking to be friends. And I wanted to talk to my H first, so I didn't give him an answer at all. I didn't lead him on here.


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## calif_hope

If you call this ass/stalker your "best friend" one more time I vote your husband kicks you the curb and divorce you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_. You should be very grateful that your husband forgives you for the very selfish, painful, and disrespectul act if even considering letting your OM back into your life....many would consider it a deal breaker. You really need to grow up and get your priorities in place....


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## TashaB

Entropy3000 said:


> Let me guess. Your life is usually full of extra drama. Right?
> 
> I hate drama personally. Anyway, you were disrespectiful to even ask your husband this. Then this guy is stalking you. I suggest you guys contact the police and have a report filed. Why? Because it is not over.


No my life isn't usually filled with drama. And I don't see how it was disrespectful to ask my H? We talk about everything, its part of us working on trust. But my H said no and I respect his wishes. How is that disrespectful?


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## morituri

The fact that he trespassed on to your property - he wasn't invited - proves that he is bad news. *Your husband did the right thing in punching him for he was, is, an intruder who accosted the woman he loves, you, but how do you repay him? By asking him not to call the police. Unbelievable!*

I'm sorry but that kind of behavior on your part would definitely kill any trust most husbands would have for their wives. Pray that your husband doesn't choose to end the marriage after your appalling behavior.


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## jnj express

There is no more you telling the piece of sh*t, that is trying to wreck your mge., ANYTHING---There is no good-bye's, no contact---NO ANYTHING

What there is, is a RESTRAINING ORDER, and it needs to be gotten NOW

You innocent H., who you duped, and have cheated on, could end up in jail, cuz of your callous indifferent stupidity.

The minute you saw the piece of sh*t on your property, you should have yelled for your H. to call the police!!!

This guy isn't going away, until he is made to go away---and you CAN NOT SEE/TALK TO HIM EVER AGAIN

What you probably do not see---is that this piece of sh*t is not stupid---he knew exactly what he was doing by showing up---he is there on your property, your h. see's him, and just maybe, dumps you, figuring you are cheating again, cuz you probably invited him to your home.

---then piece of sh*t has a clear shot at you----you are being played, and you do not even understand what is going on

---Time for you to wake up little girl, cuz your POS lover, isn't the kind that will stay in a mge., for very long, look at his past history---he comes and goes as he pleases---that ain't exactly a stable life for a mge.--

You had best get down on your hands and knees, and beg and grovel for your H., to keep you----or your life is gonna take a very big turn for the worst---VERY FAST


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## TashaB

Sindo said:


> I wouldn't necessarily agree. Tasha was firm and even vocal in rejecting the OM and choosing her husband. Yes, she waffled when OM asked for another chance, but in the end she did good.
> 
> And I believe she now knows that OM cannot be given another chance.


Thank you Sindo. And I do understand, he took it WAY to far tonight when he initially just asked to be friends.


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## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> I didn't give my best friend a clear answer when he first contacted me because he was only asking to be friends. And I wanted to talk to my H first, so I didn't give him an answer at all. I didn't lead him on here.


And this was extremely naive. He should have got a resounding NO. So you agreeing to ask your hubby was an open door to him to do what he did. This is pragmatic. It is not just our ipinions. It is what happened by your own writing. Should you have known this? Yeah. Do you know this now? Only time will tell. It is not good to be wishy washy over things like husbands versus OM.


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## DawnD

TashaB said:


> I didn't give my best friend a clear answer when he first contacted me because he was only asking to be friends. And I wanted to talk to my H first, so I didn't give him an answer at all. I didn't lead him on here.


You knew better. When he called you should have said no, hung up the phone, and let your husband know he called/ came by, whatever. THAT is how you react when the OM contacts you.

It was disrespectful to your husband to even ask him about this because you were considering only you and your OM. Nothing was about him, this man who was working towards forgiving you for cheating on him. How do you respond? By asking him if you can be FRIENDS with your affair partner.

Your OM KNEW that he could contact you and make you waffle, and you did. You came in here and tried to justify WHY it would be okay to be friends with him. You asked your husband who is still hurting from your affair if you could be friends with a man that tried to ruin your marriage. Really?


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## TashaB

calif_hope said:


> If you call this ass/stalker your "best friend" one more time I vote your husband kicks you the curb and divorce you!


I only keep calling him my best friend to not confuse anyone. Actually he is my ex-best friend.


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## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> No my life isn't usually filled with drama. And *I don't see how it was disrespectful to ask my H? *We talk about everything, its part of us working on trust. But my H said no and I respect his wishes. How is that disrespectful?


And this is the problem. You need to see these things up front. It is very disrespectful to your husband to ask for an OM to come back into your life who you cheated with. You not understanding this IS the big issue. Trust is earned. You shaterred that trust by having sex with this other guy. Marriage is more about love, faithfulness and respect than trust. Trust is a by product of the other three. It is not a given. It is especially not a given when it has been broken.

BUT, to be sure it was disrespectful to your husband to even ask. You see that now, not in this forum but HIS answer back to you. It is very hurtful. Now just coming back with I don't see why is not a good enough answer. You husband is counting on you to be in full NC with this guy forever.


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## calif_hope

Tasha B, my God, get into your head, the OM does not just want to be friends.......the fact he had sex with you proves that......please get that into your head, he wants more than friendship, he proved that then, he proved that by initiating the first call and proved that he is a sick f##k by (in your words - blowing up your phone) coming to your house with a ring, bet my life he had that ring for quite a while.....

Do you realize that you betrayed your husband by stoping him from calling the police, shows you value the OM than your husband and you home.

Get ready for the kick-back on this as soon as your husband processes all this.....the **** still has not hit the fan.

The OM is obsessed with you, he is sick, do yourself a favor and don't protect him and take your husbands side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> I only keep calling him my best friend to not confuse anyone. Actually he is my ex-best friend.


He is more importantly your EX lover.


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## morituri

I can visualize the next scenario. Your 'best friend' will once again wait for the right moment that you are alone to make contact. He will once again declare his love for you, perhaps even cry to bring out sympathy from you, you being such a faithful believer in his 'friendship' will try to comfort him and before you know it, the two of you will be making out like two hormonal teenagers. Why do I say this? Because you are emotionally and sexually attracted to him, otherwise you would have never had sex with him to begin with. Face it, there is a part of you that wants him back as your lover.


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## Entropy3000

Another scenario would involve the husband going further than punching him.

I think since you and your hubby share all of your thoughts that maybe it is time that your hubby become your best male friend.


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## calif_hope

I think since you and your hubby share all of your thoughts that maybe it is time that your hubby become you best male friend.

AMEN!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk

This is why you can't EVER be friends with an AP. 

Why was that so hard to understand???


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## lordmayhem

Can't believe I missed this thread. 

Nothing much to add since everyone has covered it so well. Your Ex-best friend/lover, was stalking. This calls for a Restraining Order (RO) against him. Go to court in the morning or Monday morning to get that RO. This might get you in your BH's good graces and goes a long way toward proving that you want him and not your OM.


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## morituri

lordmayhem said:


> Your Ex-best friend/lover, was stalking. This calls for a Restraining Order (RO) against him. Go to court in the morning or Monday morning to get that RO. This might get you in your BH's good graces and goes a long way toward proving that you want him and not your OM.


:iagree:

Your actions are what your husband will be watching and no action speaks louder than what lordmayhem recommended, a restraining order against the OM.


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## warlock07

Yeah, he wanted to friends alright!! 

This won't be the end of your drama filled life though. Your poor husband!! I think he is now wishing that he should have married someone with a brain.


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## Sindo

Restraining order's a good idea. Especially when you look at some other threads with stalker OMs. If this isn't dealt with firmly, this has the potential to get a lot worse before it gets better.


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## TashaB

morituri said:


> The fact that he trespassed on to your property - he wasn't invited - proves that he is bad news. *Your husband did the right thing in punching him for he was, is, an intruder who accosted the woman he loves, you, but how do you repay him? By asking him not to call the police. Unbelievable!*
> 
> I'm sorry but that kind of behavior on your part would definitely kill any trust most husbands would have for their wives. Pray that your husband doesn't choose to end the marriage after your appalling behavior.


Everyone keeps saying i'm wrong but how? Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair? Anyway its over now but i'm still trying to understand everyone's reactions to me. i'm flabbergasted quite frankly.


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## aug

TashaB said:


> I cant believe this just happened to me but... Best friend had been blowing up my phone but I ignored it because H was due home soon and I wanted to talk to him. H came home and I said "we need to talk. I saw "best friends name." H just looked at me. So I said "he said he's sorry." then i didn't say anything because H just kept looking at me.
> 
> Then H said "you want to be with him?" and I said "no I love you and I don't want anyone else." H looked relieved. Then i told him "but I want to ask you something. do you trust me?"
> H - no, it's getting there
> Me - well he said sorry and he wants to be best friends again. you know I haven't seen him in over a year. Do you think we could try that? Is that ok with you?
> H - hell no it ain't ok with me
> Me - are you mad at me for asking?
> H - no because you forgive people, you always give people another chance. But you have to understand that you cant have us both in your life anymore. It's either one or the other. And I know you want to give him another chance but you cant or we're done.
> 
> Thats when i told my H that I wont have him back in my life. Then I promised. *That i was going to tell him no and it would be over, I wouldn't talk to him again. God I cant believe this happened to me... I went out on our back deck to get some fresh air while i called my best friend. But then he scared the hell out of me by walking up to me. I hadn't known he was there. *
> 
> I told my best friend no that it wont work out but he just said it's ok. That I could leave and live with him. Then he said that he was in love with me. I was going to say no again when he pulled out a ring. A f**king ring!! WTH!!??! He said will you marry me? right on my back porch. I yelled no. I didn't mean to yell, its quite late here, but he wasn't listening, and H ran outside and punched him. I started crying and H grabbed me and went back into the house. H was going to call the cops but I asked him not to.
> 
> I cant believe this just happened to me, it's been a long day.



You should have done a cold no-contact after the first exposure of your affair. Since that was not done, your husband and you better do that now. 

If you're serious about staying with your husband, you need to get a lawyer to send your ex-lover a no-contact letter that if he ignored a restraining order will get filed.

Your ex-lover is getting mixed message from you (I'm assuming he not crazy). You have created a tumultuous environment for your family and yourself. 

You have been given good advice from many here which I think you should not ignore.


----------



## aug

TashaB said:


> Everyone keeps saying i'm wrong but how? Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair? Anyway its over now but i'm still trying to understand everyone's reactions to me. i'm flabbergasted quite frankly.


Because your loyalty should had been 100% with your husband. Instead you allowed yourself to be shared.


----------



## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> Everyone keeps saying i'm wrong but how? Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair? Anyway its over now but i'm still trying to understand everyone's reactions to me. i'm flabbergasted quite frankly.


I honestly think you are having us on with your naivete.

You asked your husband to continue to be cuckolded. That is why. Not much to understand really. It is that simple.


----------



## EleGirl

TashaB said:


> I didn't give my best friend a clear answer when he first contacted me because he was only asking to be friends. And I wanted to talk to my H first, so I didn't give him an answer at all. I didn't lead him on here.


Not giving him a firm NO when he called you to ask to be given a second chance is leading him on.

This is how men work. Men are not like women. If a man is friends with a woman it means he wants sex with her. A man who is life-long "best friends" with a woman as a huge crush on her. Men do not waste time on women when they are not sexually interested in.

So any time you don't give this guy a strong, clear message to back off and leave you alone, it's leading him on.

Don't be surprised if your husband does not come to this conclusion.

Your asking your husband if it's ok for you to be BFF with this guy again is a clear disrespect of your husband. That you do not realize how much this new contact has hurt your husband is disturbling. And the fact that your BFF just happened to be on your property is going to weigh heavily on your husband. Either he's in intruder and you call the cops.. or ... This might not be what happened, but it's an easy conclusion to make.


----------



## EleGirl

TashaB said:


> Everyone keeps saying i'm wrong but how? Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair? Anyway its over now but i'm still trying to understand everyone's reactions to me. i'm flabbergasted quite frankly.


You were wrong because you should have done everyting to protect your husband. The only right thing to do was to tell the OM no and to never call you again when he called you. Then to go tell your husband of the contact and write a NC letter with your husband and send it to the OM... a very strong NC letter.

The very fact that you are calling this guy yoru best friend still is very distrubing.


----------



## calif_hope

TashaB sorry to tell you it's not over......your ex lover probely is not going to give up AND your husband is going to be in pain, angery for you asking to bring this guy back into your life .... Your going to have to deal with the repercussions.

Simple, the fact that you even considered having this man back in your life is almost as disrespectful to your husband as the orginal affair.

Did you really feel that your husband would be ok with you and your liver going for coffee, the movies, hanging out together - really.

I am flabbergasted that you don't see it! I can only imagine the pain your husband is in right now.....the open wound in his heart nit caused by your ex-lover but the pain caused by you for even considering bringing your ex-lover back into your and his life. I suspect your husband is going demonstrate and vocalize his anger after the shock of this wears off.

I hope your marriage survives this......did you really think that your husband would smile and welcome the dude that f##ked his wife into your house, hang out with him, have him to dinner.......fantasy on full force - embrace the real world Tashsa and get on your knees apologize with remorse for your stupidity and beg for forgiveness for ripping his heart yet once again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express

Hey tasha---were you just dropped on this planet

What is it you don't understand about the vows you took

What do you think a mge. is

It is NOT about you having other men ALONG WITH YOUR H.

If you wanted to mess with multiple men---you should have stayed single

Did anyone put you in a hammerlock, and force you to say I DO??

Once you voiced those words, you agreed, there would be no other men in your life, except for friends, that are friends of your mge., that you converse with occassionally, on a light basis

This guy is none of that---AND YOU KNOW IT

You have led this guy on enuff, so he comes on your property uninvited, calls excessively, and has caused your H., to have to be physical, just to defend his OWN home

You are way to immature, or naive, if you think nothing is going on here, and that you are not the cause of it

Grow up---either be loyal to you H/mge. or get a D.


----------



## Badblood

TashaB said:


> This whole situation makes me want to cry, but I hold it together. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want this to be any worse for him then it already is. What I am asking is that he allow us to earn his trust back. He has already started to with me.


ALLOW US? You are already talking about yourself and your "friend",as "us"? And you don't see anything wrong with this? Girl, are you really that selfish and disrespectful to your husband? You are a cheater and you want the man who you f**ked behind your husband's back, to be given another chance? To do what? Disrespect your husband more? Cheat again? You really need counseling.


----------



## sirdano

All I can say to win your husband back over is do everything in front of him so he knows. Give up all passwords, etc. Block OM phone number this is free and if he uses another phone your phone company can switch your number for free just say your are being harrassed


----------



## Initfortheduration

TashaB said:


> I've known my best friend all of my life, since i was 5. About 18 months ago he told me he loved me and always have. And it got out of control. I had sex with him, once. Then I felt terribly guilty, sick all the time. So I told my husband. My H gave me another chance and forgave me. We've been working on our marriage and on trust and have been doing well.
> 
> There's been 0 contact between me and my best friend for a year. Now all of a sudden he showed up and wants to be back in my life. He says he's sorry for doing that, for allowing it to happen. He said he wants a second chance, how can I tell him no?
> 
> I've known him all of my life, I love him. But i'm in love with my husband. What do I do? It feels hard to breath. I want his friendship back. Doesn't he deserve a 2nd chance too?
> 
> I haven't told my husband that I've seen him. I'm waiting to figure out what I'm going to do first. Please help!!!


A second chance to what? Get you in the sack again? Tell your husband.


----------



## Badblood

Tasha, You are very lucky to have such a husband. You cheated on him, disrespected him MASSIVELY by continuing contact with the "best friend", Then asked your husband not to call the cops. You are thinking more about your "friend ', than about what this is doing to your husband. You are a terrible wife. I'm sorry but it's true.


----------



## oldmittens

I just wanted to say from what I've read you strike me as one of the better WW's out there. You have been honest with your husband from the beginning and that is the most important thing you see it's not the actual physical affair that kills most marriages if the deceit and lying that comes along with it at least that's my opinion. Asking your husband could you be friends with someone you had an affair with is very hurtful but at same time honest you miss the friendship that comes from from knowing someone a long time and the bond that comes along with that and while I know very well what it's like to lose a best friend over an affair your husband's feelings have to come first in this matter. So while I applaud your honesty keep in mind your husband was the one betrayed and whatever pain you're feeling he's feeling 10 times worse. Best of luck to you you sound like a person who's made a terrible mistake and is sorry I hope it works out for you.



P.S just saw your latest post but it doesn't change anything I said honesty is the most important thing. As long as you and your husband can tell each other how you honestly feel then you have a shot at fixing your marriage it's not a guarantee but then nothing in life is


----------



## aug

EleGirl said:


> Either he's in intruder and you call the cops.. or ... This might not be what happened, but it's an easy conclusion to make.


Or... your husband could think that you saw your ex-lover earlier and did the body dance with him again.


----------



## Jonesey

People easy up a little bit. She has done the right thing.
Just because EX best friend choses to treaspass
is not something she can be blamed on..

Advice her more on how to best ,move on from here.


----------



## Jonesey

oldmittens said:


> I just wanted to say from what I've read you strike me as one of the better WW's out there. You have been honest with your husband from the beginning and that is the most important thing you see it's not the actual physical affair that kills most marriages if the deceit and lying that comes along with it at least that's my opinion. Asking your husband could you be friends with someone you had an affair with is very hurtful but at same time honest you miss the friendship that comes from from knowing someone a long time and the bond that comes along with that and while I know very well what it's like to lose a best friend over an affair your husband's feelings have to come first in this matter. So while I applaud your honesty keep in mind your husband was the one betrayed and whatever pain you're feeling he's feeling 10 times worse. Best of luck to you you sound like a person who's made a terrible mistake and is sorry I hope it works out for you.
> 
> 
> 
> P.S just saw your latest post but it doesn't change anything I said honesty is the most important thing. As long as you and your husband can tell each other how you honestly feel then you have a shot at fixing your marriage it's not a guarantee but then nothing in life is


:iagree:


----------



## TRy

TashaB said:


> Everyone keeps saying i'm wrong but how? Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair? Anyway its over now but i'm still trying to understand everyone's reactions to me. i'm flabbergasted quite frankly.


We feel the way that we do because you cheated on your husband and you do not seem to care how that has hurt him. Do you not comprehend what your cheating has done to your husband? Do you not realize how hurt he must be? Do you not understand that it will take years for this to heal and that for many it never does heal and is a deal killer. Does it even matter to you that every time he even hears the OM's name a painful movie runs in your husbands head of the OM having sex with you? We are amazed that you could be so selfish and uncaring of his feelings to even think to reintroduce this hurt and betrayal back into his life. You just don't get it because you have not made even the smallest effort to try to see it from your husbands point of view. 

You showed that you are taking your husbands gift of forgiveness for granted and were willing to risk your marriage for contact with the OM. You are all about you and what you want. You may be honest, but you are honestly unremorseful.

As for the OM being your BF, when he told you 18 months ago that he loved you and "always" has, he was also admitting to you that your "just friends" friendship was a lie and "always" was. The ring just confirmed this. In his mind he never was your BF, as he always wanted to be your lover. So stop calling him your "BF" or "ex-BF" as this was "always" a lie and you have know that for at least 18 months.


----------



## F-102

By this time next week, Tasha will probably be rewriting history with her H, begin to think that she loved the POSOM all along, that it was a huge mistake to marry her H...


----------



## Jellybeans

This sounds very reminiscent of my own affair. But for the fact that I never had any contact again with OM.



TashaB said:


> But I don't understand why I cant give my best friend a 2nd chance? I would NEVER let it happen again and if my best friend didn't respect that then it would be over forever. My best friend has always been in my life until recently. I've shared so much with him. Why is that wrong to have him stay?
> 
> Your saying he cant be in my life, I'm asking why are you saying it isn't possible for me to fix this?


Tasha, you cannot be that dense. 
You cheated on your husband with this guy. 
This is a guy who told you he loved you, told you hew as "in love" with you and even pulled a ring out to propose to you.
He helped betray your marriage in the worst way. 
As long as you are married and your husband will accept you after this, you cannot EVER have any contact with OM again. Ever. For as long as you shall live. 

I will put it to you this way: 
Imagine your husband has a lifelong friend, "best friend"... this best friend, a woman, tells him she loves him. Things get "out of control" as you said. Your husband has sex with her. Your husband feels awful and tells you about it. You are crushed, your entire world is upside down, never to be the same again. You tell your husband you forgive him but he is never to have contact with her again. He agrees.
And then you find out she is calling him again, even going as far as to show up to your HOUSE. Your marital home.

How would you feel? 
Really and truly...how would you FEEL?

This is different than a "one night stand" where strangers have never met before. This is someone he has a long history with. 

You would feel awful if you were in your husband's position. 

Tell OM to get and stay out of your life. That is, if you want your marriage at all. Block his # and never speak to him again. He is way out of line showing up at your house. It's wrong on so many levels. 

Good for your for telling your husband what happened. A lot of people wouldn't. 

Accept that you can't be friends with this guy again. That's part of what happens once you cheat/have an affair with someone. 



morituri said:


> No man who has confessed love to a married woman and then proceeds to have sex with her, is going to suddenly find religion and request to have the old friendship restored. That is wishful thinking on your part.
> 
> If he truly had any love for you, he would have left you and your marriage alone for true love is never selfish.


:iagree:


----------



## lost2011

Thorburn said:


> Tasha, tell your husband immediately what the heck is going on with you. Your friend needs to be a past memory. He does not need a second chance he needs to be gone from your life forever. You cannot ever have it both ways. The fact that you have not told your husband speaks volumes. I am trying R with my wife though I have started the paperwork for D and it is on hold. If I found out that my WS had contact with the OM it would be over. I am at the point where I am giving her a chance and in my frame of mind this would be a deal breaker. Your husband needs to know the whole truth so he can make a choice.


Totally agree with this. I am in a similar circumstance and it would be the deal breaker also. He has been out of your life with no contact for a year. Just you thinking about it would tell me you didn't really learn much in regards to your affair and you probably have no idea how much this would hurt your husband.


----------



## stuckmick

TashaB said:


> I'm going to tell my H, I'm just trying to figure things out first. And I do love him deeply, there's no one else I want to be with.
> 
> But I don't understand why I cant give my best friend a 2nd chance? I would NEVER let it happen again and if my best friend didn't respect that then it would be over forever. This isn't something I sought out. I never thought I would EVER cheat, but I did, once. My best friend has always been in my life until recently. I've shared so much with him. Why is that wrong to have him stay?
> 
> I made a mistake and I fessed up and am still paying for that night. I wished it had never happened. I wish it could just be like it was before it happened. Your saying he cant be in my life, I'm asking why are you saying it isn't possible for me to fix this?


He will ALWAYS want more. This is the fundamental problem with some males and females being "friends". Ususally one wants more and hold their feelings in secret until an opportunity arrises to act on those feelings. He is still in love with you no matter what he says. That will never change. Let him go....


----------



## Sindo

TashaB said:


> Everyone keeps saying i'm wrong but how? Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair? Anyway its over now but i'm still trying to understand everyone's reactions to me. i'm flabbergasted quite frankly.


I think a lot of people saw you telling your husband not to call the police as protecting the OM, essentially siding with the OM over your husband.

In isolation, this could have hurt. But in this case probably mitigated by rejecting the OM just a few moments before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

TashaB said:


> I'm going to tell my H, I'm just trying to figure things out first. And I do love him deeply, there's no one else I want to be with.
> 
> But I don't understand why I cant give my best friend a 2nd chance? I would NEVER let it happen again and if my best friend didn't respect that then it would be over forever. This isn't something I sought out. I never thought I would EVER cheat, but I did, once. My best friend has always been in my life until recently. I've shared so much with him. Why is that wrong to have him stay?
> 
> I made a mistake and I fessed up and am still paying for that night. I wished it had never happened. I wish it could just be like it was before it happened. Your saying he cant be in my life, I'm asking why are you saying it isn't possible for me to fix this?


Because #1 he is a now your old affair partner and because #2 HE IS FISHING to start the affair back up again.

He is trying to once again gain access to you so he can work on getting you again. It worked once, he's let the dust settle and is going to go for it again.

BUT the #1 reason:

It's a huge humiliating slap in your husbands face - you reconnecting with your old affair partner who has professed his life long love for you. 

This isn't about forgiveness, this is about letting the drug addict have one more hit, this is about letting the devil have one more dance.

Come on are you really that eager to let the cancer that has hurt your marriage and husband so deeply, back into your body?


----------



## Shaggy

TashaB said:


> I only keep calling him my best friend to not confuse anyone. Actually he is my ex-best friend.


As others have said, he was your BF, but then you took him as your lover.


----------



## Shaggy

TashaB said:


> Everyone keeps saying i'm wrong but how? Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair? Anyway its over now but i'm still trying to understand everyone's reactions to me. i'm flabbergasted quite frankly.


Tasha,

because by even talking to the exAP and by hiding it from your husband when it happened - you already began choosing the AP over your husband. You chose to accept contact behind your husband's back.

because you are here desperately looking for justification to force your husband to let the cancer that wants nothing more than to end his marriage, to come back into you.

because your husband once beat that cancer, but now you are asking for him to try and forgive "us" - meaning your and the AP. You are already creating an "US" that is you+AP and which is a relationship which is toxic to your husband happiness.

because you don't seem to have the love and empathy for your husband to see how even thinking what you're thinking about is treasonous and hurtful.


----------



## bryanp

"Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair?"

Are you serious? How can you make this statement? It is like saying: Aside from everything else, how did you like the play Mrs. Lincoln.

Your sexual affair betrayed and humiliated your husband, your relationship and your marriage vows and put your husband at risk for STD's. This is the very definition of a bad wife.

I have to ask you what were you thinking when you were having sex with your best friend? Did it occur to you at all what you were doing and how you would feel if the roles were reversed? Did you expect your husband to forgive you anyway? What allowed yourself to give you permission to do this? I am sorry but there is something missing within your moral compass to have allowed this in the first place. Did it ever occur how hurtful and painful your actions would be toward your husband? Sorry but you seem somewhat oblivious to this. Why would your husband feel special and proud that you are his wife after your deliberate betrayal and making him look like a fool? Yet, you do not see yourself as a bad wife...Unbelievable!


----------



## Shaggy

TashaB said:


> I didn't give my best friend a clear answer when he first contacted me because he was only asking to be friends. And I wanted to talk to my H first, so I didn't give him an answer at all. I didn't lead him on here.


Yes you did. You accepted his attempt to contact you. You accept him talking to you. 

He knew that after what happened that he was gone from your life for ever - that is unless you had time to reconsider your love for him.

So when you talked to him, and gave him hope because you were going to talk hubby into letting him return. You gave him huge amounts of positive feed back to him.

His calling your phone over and over should have tipped you off that this wasn't a simple social outreach. This dude has developed a massive obsession over you.

btw - I suspect he will be back to try again. He will start with another playing passive and nice, then he will try to convince you to get free and be with him.

You might want to think about how you will immediately call your husband when this happens, and you should think about what you need to do about a restraining order in the future.

think about it - here is a guy who you cheated with - he's come back and is hanging outside your house in the dark with a ring and an offer to run away with you.

Do you really think this guy is playing with a full deck?


----------



## working_together

F-102 said:


> By this time next week, Tasha will probably be rewriting history with her H, begin to think that she loved the POSOM all along, that it was a huge mistake to marry her H...


Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.


----------



## Jellybeans

She should just block his # so he can't call her at all. 

It's disturbing, as someone else said, that she doesn't see why she cannot be friends with him. It's even more disturbing and disrespectful that she asked her husband straight-up if she could continue her relationshp/friendship with him. There are simply no words. The lack of empathy and understanding there are....voluminous. :slap:


----------



## COguy

TashaB said:


> Everyone keeps saying i'm wrong but how? Why does everyone feel i'm such a bad wife besides the affair? Anyway its over now but i'm still trying to understand everyone's reactions to me. i'm flabbergasted quite frankly.


Let me put it in context from a betrayed spouse. The mere mention or thought of the name pisses me off. It triggers up emotions and bull**** that I don't want to be reminded of. The thought of my wife talking to that person sends fits of rage through my spine.

I just had an episode the other day where wife's EA partner sent her a merry christmas. She deleted him from phone so didn't know the number and asked "who is this?". Guy said it was XYZ.

I was livid!! Just knowing she sent him something and she was innocent. If she had tried to hide that from me I would have been 1000 times more pissed.

It's not about you, it's about your partner. You slap him in the face at the thought of even talking to this guy. Let alone rekindling a friendship.


----------



## working_together

Jonesey said:


> People easy up a little bit. She has done the right thing.
> Just because EX best friend choses to treaspass
> is not something she can be blamed on..
> 
> Advice her more on how to best ,move on from here.


But she hasn't done the right thing all along has she? She has very weak boundaries, and if she doesn't fix this problem another best friend will come into the picture. She was never clear with him that it was over, so he just assumed he could weasle his way back in and win her over with a ring.

In my opinion I don't think either male or females should have best friends of the opposite sex when married, sooner or later someone will cross the line.


----------



## working_together

When my husband I were dating I had a few male friends, not best friends, just friends from high school. They all eventually crossed the line, and when hubby stepped in and pointed this out to me, the friends had to be gone, and I HAD to be ok with it. You see, my boundaries back then were weak, that was my issue, and without fixing that problem I eventually ended up having an affair years later, of course other things came into play, but you see my point.

Work on this issue, it just doesn't go away.


----------



## Jonesey

working_together said:


> But she hasn't done the right thing all along has she? She has very weak boundaries, and if she doesn't fix this problem another best friend will come into the picture. She was never clear with him that it was over, so he just assumed he could weasle his way back in and win her over with a ring.
> 
> In my opinion I don't think either male or females should have best friends of the opposite sex when married, sooner or later someone will cross the line.


How can you foresee that someone would trespass 
with a ring? Besides how many times have we encounterd
someone like her, here. Whats done is done..

Lets help here fix this,instead of bashing her all the time..


----------



## strugglinghusband

All her threads are about HER and what SHE wants...I'm a good wife now, "cant I have please have a reward, umm by bestie friend, you know the one I screwed, its ok isnt it?, would you be ok with it honey?"

Hell NO you cant have him back and to even think or ask it, shows you have no concern for your husbands feelings, you shoulda just kicked him in the nuts, would be less painfull....

It's called CONSEQUENCES for your actions....your OM needs a restraining order put on him and you should do it (he sounds like a nut case), for your husbands sake, If my wifes E/A partner would show up to my house the hell with the cops, he's going to need an ambulance..


----------



## Shaggy

working_together said:


> But she hasn't done the right thing all along has she? She has very weak boundaries, and if she doesn't fix this problem another best friend will come into the picture. She was never clear with him that it was over, so he just assumed he could weasle his way back in and win her over with a ring.
> 
> In my opinion I don't think either male or females should have best friends of the opposite sex when married, sooner or later someone will cross the line.


100% agree.

Especially on the weak boundaries. If she had actually let him back into her life, he would keep pushing and pushing until she decided to give in and have another affair with him.

She doesn't believe she could do it - but look at history, this guy got her to sleep with him before, and now only a year later as her marriage was beginning to heal, she actually asked her husband to let the guy back in.

btw - her husband seems to be a smart guy - he answered all the questions 100% correctly.


----------



## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> She should just block his # so he can't call her at all.
> 
> It's disturbing, as someone else said, that she doesn't see why she cannot be friends with him. It's even more disturbing and disrespectful that she asked her husband straight-up if she could continue her relationshp/friendship with him. There are simply no words. The lack of empathy and understanding there are....voluminous. :slap:


Indeed.

The late Dr Shirley Glass PhD researched infidelity extensively and one of her findings was:

_"The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is *how much empathy the unfaithful partner shows for the pain they have caused when the betrayed spouse* gets emotional and starts "acting crazy."_

And from Tasha's comments about wanting to renew her 'friendship' with the OM, she shows very little empathy for the pain she has caused her husband. Not a good sign for the future viability of her marriage.


----------



## Jellybeans

:iagree: Mori


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Wow. Just. Wow.

I'm about 3 yrs post DDay and if my W asked if it would be ok to be friends with the OM again I would be on the phone with a lawyer before she finished her sentence. That is extremely disrespectful to even ask and like Mori said, shows no empathy.

Tasha seems too self absorb to see the big picture, that she gave the OM the impression that she would choose him over her H because she slept with him while still being married. She also doesn't understand how easy it is to sleep with someone again after crossing that boundary the first time. 

She is just too naive and immature to be married. I'm just beside myself on how oblivious a person can be of their situation.


----------



## TashaB

I talked to my girlfriend about what happened and about me asking H to give ex-best friend another chance. She said that if it was someone else saying that she would be appauled but I always forgive everyone and that she thinks I dont know how not to. 

Anyway, you guys had me shaken up yesterday. I didn't understand why everyone was bashing me. So I went to our conselour alone and told her everything that happened, including some of the posts here. She said that she understands that I want my "best friend" back and that I was thinking about how it was when we were best friends. But that I was ignoring the issue, that regardless how it used to be i still betrayed my marriage and I need to do what's best for my marriage. That I should have understood I couldn't act on my wanting him back. 

Anyway H came in afterwards and told the story from his side. Afterward she told us that we need to have a plan of action in case he contacts me again. It was agreed among all that we would need to call the police. The conseluer said I need to be careful because she has seen things like this and it can get nasty really quickly. 

I think I understand why everyone was so upset yesterday with me. But please understand, I do not want to hurt anyone, especially my husband. I wasn't looking at the full picture (as she put it), I was thinking about what I lost and refusing to consider the affair part of it. Because frankly I dont like to think about it. It's not something I'm proud of. And because I wasn't looking at the full picture, I thought I could fix it. I should have realized that H would never ever feel comfortable with it. I see that now.

Now I am just focusing on doing whats best for him and I.


----------



## DawnD

I am glad you saw a counselor about this Tasha, even happier that you took the husband and made sure he got to say his piece as well. People on this forum get no gain/loss from your life. If we are trying to show you what you are doing, its because we see it from the outside. 

I do think you need to apologize to your husband for ever suggesting that you get to be friends with the OM again. That probably wounded him, and it was completely unfair to even ask. 

Keep doing counseling and move forward. Stick to the plan you two have together. Do NOT back out of calling the cops because you don't want the OM in trouble. You protect your husband and your marriage.


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## that_girl

Wow. This is really a choice for you?

You tell hubs that he contacted and you told him to go away...that is, you must tell him to go away. The man (and yourself) almost ruined your marriage. Your "friend" is not a friend. he's a slimeball who doesn't care about ruining marriages for his own gratification.


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## calif_hope

TashaB, I don't think anyone was bashing you, some were harsh but I think everyone was using words to try to wake you up, we believed you when you posted that you love your husband and want your marriage. It was that some of the thongs you were saying and some of the things you did, not understandibg was going to hurt your husband beyond a point of his ability to forgive and you were heading to the loss of what you said you wanted. We were just trying to get you out if that silly and dangerous fog/fantasy you were in.

I am glad to see you sought help, really glad your husband was willing to stay.......I hope you realize how close you were to losing everything.

God bless, good luck and keep a watchful eye out for that sicko. 

One more thing TashaB, if your former lover does not give up you may have the impulse to try to fix him because if your long friendship with him. Don't give in to that impulse, don't even voice concern for him....he is a grown man and he needs to get his life in order. Calling the police if he tresspases again us one thing, following through with the charges/complaint is another thing - you have to follow through with that also even if it means jail time for him....consider the worst case, your former lover is in a sick fantasy fog, he could get it into his jello head that if your husband is out of the way you and he could be together forever....possible your husband become a target....you need to get this sicko out of your lives FOREVER and if it takes jail time so be it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD

I have a question Tasha. Did your counselor address the fact that you seemed to have no concern for your husband while you were considering being "friends" with your affair partner? Why you were so self centered about what YOU wanted so soon after an affair, and disregarded the fact it would hurt him??


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## WhereAmI

WTF!?! This isn't about forgiveness. This isn't even about YOU. When it comes to the POS who pretended to be your friend, the only person who matters is your H. As long as you're not breaking the law you need to do exactly as your H asks when it comes to the OM. You are only thinking of yourself and how your actions affect you. Your focus should be on your H and how to help him heal. It's clear you haven't come close to understanding the pain your H is dealing with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

DawnD said:


> I have a question Tasha. Did your counselor address the fact that you seemed to have no concern for your husband while you were considering being "friends" with your affair partner? Why you were so self centered about what YOU wanted so soon after an affair, and disregarded the fact it would hurt him??



She was able to see a counselor this quickly probably means they were in counseling already. I am going to guess that's due to the affair earlier. 

Hopefully her personal issues are being addressed along with the marriage.


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## DawnD

aug said:


> She was able to see a counselor this quickly probably means they were in counseling already. I am going to guess that's due to the affair earlier.
> 
> Hopefully her personal issues are being addressed along with the marriage.


I am aware of that. Which is why I asked if the counselor addressed the fact that she was only focused on what she wanted, not how any of it would affect her spouse who was still healing. She went in alone first, so maybe the counselor gave her some insight into this. Insight that could save prevent her from doing it again.


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## morituri

Tasha, please consider that you had an emotional/sexual attraction to the OM otherwise you would not have had sex with him. It is very easy to re-ignite feelings for an ex-lover if contact is renewed. For this reason, any contact with ex-lovers is a huge risk to any marriage, no matter if these ex-lovers were from a time before meeting a spouse and getting married. In your case, this guy is a recent lover so any feelings you had for him are still fresh, just lightly buried and waiting to be um-earthed. It is for this reason that you must develop strong boundaries that will prevent you from repeating history.

And please take the initiative to contact the police to obtain a restraining order (RO) against this nutcase. Doing so will go a long ways to show your husband that you care about him by being deadly serious to never again have anything to do with that creep.


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## TashaB

oldmittens said:


> I just wanted to say from what I've read you strike me as one of the better WW's out there. You have been honest with your husband from the beginning and that is the most important thing you see it's not the actual physical affair that kills most marriages if the deceit and lying that comes along with it at least that's my opinion. Asking your husband could you be friends with someone you had an affair with is very hurtful but at same time honest you miss the friendship that comes from from knowing someone a long time and the bond that comes along with that and while I know very well what it's like to lose a best friend over an affair your husband's feelings have to come first in this matter. So while I applaud your honesty keep in mind your husband was the one betrayed and whatever pain you're feeling he's feeling 10 times worse. Best of luck to you you sound like a person who's made a terrible mistake and is sorry I hope it works out for you.



Thank you for saying that, it really means a lot. I feel horrible for what I did to my marriage. But I can only work on fixing it now and I will always be honest with my husband.


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## morituri

Tasha, it might help you to keep in mind that the man you knew as a childhood friend no longer exists, he died some time ago. In his body is a different person, a broken and dangerous person. He may look like your childhood friend but *he is NOT* that friend.


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## TashaB

DawnD said:


> I am glad you saw a counselor about this Tasha, even happier that you took the husband and made sure he got to say his piece as well. People on this forum get no gain/loss from your life. If we are trying to show you what you are doing, its because we see it from the outside.
> 
> I do think you need to apologize to your husband for ever suggesting that you get to be friends with the OM again. That probably wounded him, and it was completely unfair to even ask.
> 
> Keep doing counseling and move forward. Stick to the plan you two have together. Do NOT back out of calling the cops because you don't want the OM in trouble. You protect your husband and your marriage.



I will continue to move forward and do what I can to fix my mistake. Just so you know, he wont even talk to me about it. I'm really not sure why. But my H hasn't told me how it makes him feel, what I did. That's something else were working on, and its about the only thing that hasn't been discussed between us. We tell each other everything else.


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## DawnD

TashaB said:


> I will continue to move forward and do what I can to fix my mistake. Just so you know, he wont even talk to me about it. I'm really not sure why. But my H hasn't told me how it makes him feel, what I did. That's something else were working on, and its about the only thing that hasn't been discussed between us. We tell each other everything else.


if you wanted my best guess, its because you hurt him. The fact that you would even ask him to be friends with a guy you cheated on him with is soooo hurtful. Then to have the OM in your backyard proposing MINUTES after you told him "he just wants to be friends again" make you look like a liar honey. I know you didn't expect what the OM did, but your husband doesn't know that. he probably wonders if the OM ran out right as he came home. A lot of things are going to be running through his mind. 

He might be wondering if you truly love him to be willing to put him through that again.


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## Entropy3000

He must be struggling with it. I have not been in his shoes so I don't really know, but as a man it would have to be one of the most humiliating expereinces one could endure.


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## TashaB

DawnD said:


> I have a question Tasha. Did your counselor address the fact that you seemed to have no concern for your husband while you were considering being "friends" with your affair partner? Why you were so self centered about what YOU wanted so soon after an affair, and disregarded the fact it would hurt him??


Yes she did bring some of that up. She said it was because i wasn't looking at the full picture and that she thinks it would help me to see it all if H opened up about how the affair affected him. H still hasn't said but were working on it.


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## CH

TashaB said:


> I will continue to move forward and do what I can to fix my mistake. Just so you know, he wont even talk to me about it. I'm really not sure why. But my H hasn't told me how it makes him feel, what I did. That's something else were working on, and its about the only thing that hasn't been discussed between us. We tell each other everything else.


Get him to talk to you, maybe give him some time for now to cool down. But he has to open up or else he's gonna hold all that anger, resentment and hatred towards you and it'll poison him.

If you decide well he's forgiven me and won't talk about it so life goes on you could be in for big trouble later on. Nothing kills a marriage faster after an affair than letting the LS fester in resentment.


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## TDSC60

DawnD said:


> if you wanted my best guess, its because you hurt him. The fact that you would even ask him to be friends with a guy you cheated on him with is soooo hurtful. Then to have the OM in your backyard proposing MINUTES after you told him "he just wants to be friends again" make you look like a liar honey. I know you didn't expect what the OM did, but your husband doesn't know that. he probably wonders if the OM ran out right as he came home. A lot of things are going to be running through his mind.
> 
> He might be wondering if you truly love him to be willing to put him through that again.


I agree with DawnD. The first thing that I thought was your husband must have thought that the OM had been with you the whole time he was at work and you two were plotting and planning how to get together again. Then you had the nerve to ask him if you could renew contact with OM. He says "Hell No!". You walk outside on the deck, husband hears your voice, comes out and sees you two together. Then to top it off when he wants to call the cops you protect OM yet again by begging him not to do that.

Your husband does not want to talk about it because you have torn out his heart three or four times by choosing OM over him each time.

If my wife had done this (especially begging me not to call the police) I would be convinced that she still has love for the OM. That I am her second choice. Sadly your actions speak for you in his eyes - not your words. You really need to apologize for what you have done to him each time you let your feelings for OM win over your husband and your marriage.


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## Badblood

My take on this, Tasha , is that you are not nearly remorseful enough nor do you fully understand the pain you have put your husband through. Remember, YOU are the cheater, not your"friend". YOU did the worst thing you could do, and then tried to get your husband to agree to allow the "friend", back into your life. Your husband isn't talking to you because he can't believe a word you say, and probably is wondering if he should dump you and get a good woman, instead.


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## CH

TDSC60 said:


> If my wife had done this (especially begging me not to call the police) I would be convinced that she still has love for the OM. That I am her second choice. Sadly your actions speak for you in his eyes - not your words. You really need to apologize for what you have done to him each time you let your feelings for OM win over your husband and your marriage.


If I had done that, I wouldn't be with my wife now and wouldn't have my 3 beautiful daughters, although they're all monsters at times that I don't recognize.

Apologizing does nothing, like you stated actions speak louder than words. My wife gave me the song More than words by Extreme after my affair.


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## Badblood

TDSC60 said:


> I agree with DawnD. The first thing that I thought was your husband must have thought that the OM had been with you the whole time he was at work and you two were plotting and planning how to get together again. Then you had the nerve to ask him if you could renew contact with OM. He says "Hell No!". You walk outside on the deck, husband hears your voice, comes out and sees you two together. Then to top it off when he wants to call the cops you protect OM yet again by begging him not to do that.
> 
> Your husband does not want to talk about it because you have torn out his heart three or four times by choosing OM over him each time.
> 
> If my wife had done this (especially begging me not to call the police) I would be convinced that she still has love for the OM. That I am her second choice. Sadly your actions speak for you in his eyes - not your words. You really need to apologize for what you have done to him each time you let your feelings for OM win over your husband and your marriage.


TDSC60 amd DawnD are absolutely right. Right now your husband probably believes that you and your "friend", are still cheating and plotting against him , behind his back. You are sure lucky. If I were your husband, you would be living in a motel by now, because you would be out the door.


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## Shaggy

Badblood said:


> TDSC60 amd DawnD are absolutely right. Right now your husband probably believes that you and your "friend", are still cheating and plotting against him , behind his back. You are sure lucky. If I were your husband, you would be living in a motel by now, because you would be out the door.


Possibly. It's also possible that he is in shock that you'd even talk to the guy. 

Quite possibly he's trying to decide if you're clueless or evil at this point. 

There is no way a man is going to let the former AP of his wife return to her life. No way ever. So for you to have even considered it likely has him shocked and questioning your sanity.


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## Darth Vader

TashaB said:


> I will continue to move forward and do what I can to fix my mistake. Just so you know, he wont even talk to me about it. I'm really not sure why. But my H hasn't told me how it makes him feel, what I did. That's something else were working on, and its about the only thing that hasn't been discussed between us. We tell each other everything else.


Affairs are not mistakes, they are intensional! You can't trip, fall and accidently have sex with the OM!


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## DawnD

What you really need to realize Tasha, is none of us are telling you this to make you feel bad. But you need to understand fully what you have done, and I think most of us don't believe you even realize it. You can say you do, but saying it and owning it are two seperate things. You are messing with an amount of trust that you haven't earned yet. And it will probably get worse. 

My H had an affair. If he had done what you did, his sh** would be on the curb. Period. I would brace yourself for some anger and sadness from the husband. They are confusing because they can look the same.


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## Darth Vader

DawnD said:


> What you really need to realize Tasha, is none of us are telling you this to make you feel bad. But you need to understand fully what you have done, and I think most of us don't believe you even realize it. You can say you do, but saying it and owning it are two seperate things. You are messing with an amount of trust that you haven't earned yet. And it will probably get worse.
> 
> My H had an affair. If he had done what you did, his sh** would be on the curb. Period. I would brace yourself for some anger and sadness from the husband. They are confusing because they can look the same.


:iagree:

your husband will hit the anger stage, and when he does, you'll be going through HELL, because he'll be going through worse HELL!

Actually, your husband's already going through worse hell now, having the mind movies of you orgasming while straddling and riding your OM! How would you feel if the roles were reversed?


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## JustaJerk

I feel for your husband. 

What you did was pretty f*cked-up to begin with, then you actually believed you guys could STILL be friends. Talk about adding insult to injury. 

I would've smashed that guy's face and told you to GTFO! 

You're lucky he's even speaking to you right now.


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## Darth Vader

JustaJerk said:


> I feel for your husband.
> 
> What you did was pretty f*cked-up to begin with, then you actually believed you guys could STILL be friends. Talk about adding insult to injury.
> 
> I would've smashed that guy's face and told you to GTFO!
> 
> You're lucky he's even speaking to you right now.


Her hubby did hit the OM!


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## TRy

TashaB said:


> She said it was because i wasn't looking at the full picture and that she thinks it would help me to see it all if H opened up about how the affair affected him. H still hasn't said but were working on it.


You not looking at the full picture is a polite way of saying that you were looking at it only from a self centered point of view. You never gave your husband's point of view a second of thought.

You say that you have been honest with your husband but the truth is you have not been honest with your husband or yourself about your real feelings toward the OM. 18 months ago the OM told you that he was in love with you and "always" was. And although he officially told you this 18 months ago, you had to have guessed it well before. Yet even knowing this, you continued to tell your husband that you and the OM were just friends. The minute that you knew that the OM was in love with you, continuing to claim that OM was just a friend was a lie and your husband knows this.

18 months ago the OM told you he was in love with you, yet you broke off contact with the OM only 12 months ago. During the 6 month period in between you were no longer in a friendship with the OM, you were in an emotional affair that would later turn into a PA. You let the EA go on for six months because you liked the way that it made you feel. An affair is like a drug and it puts you in a fog. You are still in a fog over the OM and want very badly to be allowed by your husband to go back to having the EA that you had with the OM before it also became a PA. The fog is why you do not understand or care how even asking your husband to let the OM back into your life was so hurtful. Your continuing to call the OM you best friend or ex-best friend is not going to work because your H is not buying it. When you recently asked to have the OM back into your life as just a friend, your husband saw it as a lie. He saw you lying to him in an effort to continue with the EA. Maybe if you start really being honest with your husband about your feelings toward the OM, he will start opening up to you in return.


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## Grayson

TashaB said:


> No my life isn't usually filled with drama. And I don't see how it was disrespectful to ask my H? We talk about everything, its part of us working on trust. But my H said no and I respect his wishes. How is that disrespectful?


That you even CONSIDERED allowing the man with whom you cheated back into your life is disrespectful to your husband.

"Gee, honey. I know I promised to forsake all others for you, but...wow! Even though he drilled me real good, since I've known him forever, could I pretty please let him sniff around me some more?"

Totally respectful, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

Let your husband go and sleep with an ex that he was deeply in love with. Then let him still be friends with her but nothing will ever happen again, I'm guessing you would get down on your knees and kiss the ground they walk on because they're old friends and it's ok.

Please, apply the damn golden rule at times people. No matter how deep in the fog, if your husband did it would you be fine with him talking to the OW all the time?


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## TBT

From your posts you had already been in face to face contact with the OM,that husband wasn't aware of and God knows what you discussed with him.Obviously you gave him enough hope that he actually purchased a ring.I think you're on a slippery slope,as you show more consideration for your OM than the person who should actually be your best friend...your husband.Another chance for your husband to feel second choice!


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## working_together

Jonesey said:


> How can you foresee that someone would trespass
> with a ring? Besides how many times have we encounterd
> someone like her, here. Whats done is done..
> 
> Lets help here fix this,instead of bashing her all the time..


Seriously???? I can't believe you said that!

She knew he was going to take it to that level, she wasn't firm with him, I think she liked the attention frankly, two me fighting over her, I've seen that sh*t before, although I have to admit during my 20's.

"what's done is done", not going there, I'll end up in a huge rant.


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## working_together

TashaB said:


> Yes she did bring some of that up. She said it was because i wasn't looking at the full picture and that she thinks it would help me to see it all if H opened up about how the affair affected him. H still hasn't said but were working on it.


The "full picture"?????

I need a drink.....


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## TDSC60

OM sounds like a nutcase. I saw something like this years ago with a friend of mine. His wife met with an old BF that she had not seen in ten years. They met at a friend's wedding. They just talked for about 30 minutes.

About a week latter this guy shows up at their home professing love for her, begging her to go with him, banging on the door at 3 AM. They got a RO that said he could not come within 500 feet of the home. He actually measure out 510 feet from the property line and would park there in plan site. Nothing the police could do. He finally gave up and went away but caused them two months of hell.

The OM sounds a lot like this. He is stalking her and it could become violent to her, her husband or both depending on how far gone he is.


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## TashaB

After I got off of work, (I really just had to run to the office to take care of something. It wasn't a full work day for me.) I went to my car and OM was there. He immediately brought the ring out again. I told him not to ever talk to me again and turned to go back into the building when he grabbed my arm. 

He asked me to marry him, again and I said no, leave me alone. I don't ever want to see you again. He looked upset but then a co-worker walked by and he left, got in his car and drove off. I'm still in the parking lot waiting on H and the police. 

He/OM looked, not himself. He is starting to scare me. He's never been this way before and I've known him over 20 years. This is out of character for him, my arm still hurts a lot. And I'm still trying to figure out how he knew I went to work. I wasn't scheduled to work today but had to run in to quickly (1 1/2 hours) take care of something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

TashaB said:


> After I got off of work, (I really just had to run to the office to take care of something. It wasn't a full work day for me.) I went to my car and OM was there. He immediately brought the ring out again. I told him not to ever talk to me again and turned to go back into the building when he grabbed my arm.
> 
> He asked me to marry him, again and I said no, leave me alone. I don't ever want to see you again. He looked upset but then a co-worker walked by and he left, got in his car and drove off. I'm still in the parking lot waiting on H and the police.
> 
> He/OM looked, not himself. He is starting to scare me. He's never been this way before and I've known him over 20 years. This is out of character for him, my arm still hurts a lot. And I'm still trying to figure out how he knew I went to work. I wasn't scheduled to work today but had to run in to quickly (1 1/2 hours) take care of something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you, if you can lay a charge against him do so. This will demonstrate to your husband you are serious about your marriage. I suspect the OM is over infatuated with you , unless you have said something that gave him the wrong idea ?

Stand firm and keep him out of your lives
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk

You got a stalker on your hands... GREAT... just one more thing your husband has to deal with now.


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## Initfortheduration

Like Grayson said, and I am sure your husband thought was "OMG she is asking me to let her be friends with the guy who schtumpt her". This only proves you have no conscience in regard to what you have done. You have no shame.


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## Jellybeans

Troll thread?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

TashaB said:


> He is starting to scare me. He's never been this way before and I've known him over 20 years. *This is out of character for him*, my arm still hurts a lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're still worried about him after this episode? But he's been your friend for 20 years right so you've gotta help him out of this. I can see that speech coming to your husband.


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## Jellybeans

I feeel like...if this is even for real, that there's a lot more to this story than we have been told. She didn't exxplain much about what happened between the time her "best friend" confessed to loving her, then things "going crazy"...sex happened and she told her husband then all of a sudden dude is randomly in the pic again, she asks her husband (omg) if she can be his "friend" again and dude just happens to show uo at her house with an engagement ring. Uh uh. Something is off here.I find it very hard to believe she didn't know he had feelinngs for her somewhere in twenty yrs of "friendship." And then they randomly had sex after he said ILY? Nope. Not buying it. There is a lot more that she hasn't said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DailyGrind

Jellybeans said:


> Troll thread?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know...I was thinking this from the start. Seemed WAY too drama.


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## Jellybeans

Ya I started getting the "vibe" when she posted about him showing up at her work and then her sitting in the car blogging about waiting for cops to show up...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DailyGrind

Jellybeans said:


> Ya I started getting the "vibe" when she posted about him showing up at her work and then her sitting in the car blogging about waiting for cops to show up...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The fact that anyone could post the question of letting OM back as a friend....and not GET the reason why everyone was objecting....vehemently...and THEN...actuall ASK her H. That just seemed too much.


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## TashaB

Can someone help me/ advice? H is distant, I think he's going to leave. I love him I don't want anyone else. H won't talk to me I don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together

Jellybeans said:


> Ya I started getting the "vibe" when she posted about him showing up at her work and then her sitting in the car blogging about waiting for cops to show up...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jelly, you always impress me with your investigative skills.


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## working_together

What happened when the police arrived?


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## aug

TashaB said:


> Can someone help me/ advice? H is distant, I think he's going to leave. I love him I don't want anyone else. H won't talk to me I don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Has the police left? Did you get the officer's name? A police incident number? Try to get those if you can.

You did the right thing calling your husband and the police.

Let him know you're going ahead with the restraining order against the OM. See if he will help you.


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## TBT

Agree with Jellybeans.Look at her timeline for posting when the first of the drama went down early in the A.M.


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## TashaB

I don't know what a troll thread is but I get the feeling your calling me a liar. If that's how you feel then stay off this thread. This is my real life and I could lose my H who is everything to me. I'm asking for help. 

My family doesn't know about the affair, nor his family. I cant talk to most of the people in my life about it but I can post here and get everyone's advice. I've been pretty much dealing with this for 18 months on my own. 

police took a statement, filled out paperwork for RO. They said well have to go to court for it. 

H isn't talking to me. He looks angry, I think he's going to leave. I don't know what to do because he wont listen??


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## calif_hope

Don't know, sometimes fact is stranger than fiction and I have several adults in my life that will touch the muffler even after you tell them they will get burnt. 

A good number of the Generation Y group live their life with a personal sense of entitlement - and their mommies, daddies, and the system protected them from consequences (everyone gets a blue ribbon, no score kept, no losers.

I could easily see a member of this generation do the things this WW has done, even blogging in her car after the altercation. A friend of mine, a Calif Highway Patrol Officer told me that last month he came upon a two car accident....one of the drivers (@fault) a early 20 female was taking pictures from her car, posting on face book and answering posts from friends.....he asked her why didn't she get out if her car and see how the other driver and their child was.....he said she looked at him like he was an idiot and said she had too many Facebook messages to respond to........It blows my mind that our country can produce the men and women who serving our nation is the same on that produced the drivervin my story and the likes of TabithaB. 

My
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope

Tabitha, actions are stronger than words......give your husband any and all passwords on your phone, email, & Facebook - give him access to everything. DO NOT defend yourself because the original affair, being open to the OM being in your life, and asking if OK for the OM to be allowed back in your life cannot be defended. Just take it. I do give you points for asking many would have restarted the relationship without asking but you don't deserve a pat on the back.

You husband may leave, I'm sure he needs time to process all of what happened now and in the past - and if he needs time, let him have. Don't try to force or guilt him into staying - tell him you love him, that you want him to stay but if he needs a couple of hours or even days - tell him you understand.

You are about to get a lot of adult stuff thrown at you and this is not your fantancy rainbow bright life - you don't always get what what your heart desires and not all endings are happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope

Tabita = Tasha, sorry to all, a Freudian Slip!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT

Sorry if I was out of line,but it appears we're not getting whole story.First you say it was once and in your last post you said it was an affair.What did you say to him in your prior meetings that would give him any hope of marriage? He did get a ring after all.


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## Jellybeans

working_together said:


> Jelly, you always impress me with your investigative skills.


Why, thank you. ::Curtsies::  Tasha, your H is pissed right now. He prob thinks u never ended contact w this guy. And w good reason. I still wish u would fill in the blanks on how ur affair started. There is way too much info missing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TashaB

calif_hope said:


> Tabitha, actions are stronger than words......give your husband any and all passwords on your phone, email, & Facebook - give him access to everything. DO NOT defend yourself because the original affair, being open to the OM being in your life, and asking if OK for the OM to be allowed back in your life cannot be defended. Just take it. I do give you points for asking many would have restarted the relationship without asking but you don't deserve a pat on the back.
> 
> You husband may leave, I'm sure he needs time to process all of what happened now and in the past - and if he needs time, let him have. Don't try to force or guilt him into staying - tell him you love him, that you want him to stay but if he needs a couple of hours or even days - tell him you understand.
> 
> You are about to get a lot of adult stuff thrown at you and this is not your fantancy rainbow bright life - you don't always get what what your heart desires and not all endings are happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



H isn't responding to anything I say. He wont talk. If he tries to leave should I do something? I cant lose him. GOD I never should have even asked!! I should have just told him that OM contacted me and be done with it. If my H leaves what am I supposed to do if OM shows up? I'm afraid of losing H and if he isn't here, he cant protect me. I love him so much. I just want to fix this. I never should have asked H for OM to stay. I feel stupid.


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## calif_hope

What's done is done, your husband may need time away for a couple of hours or a couple of days to process and deal with what happened.....does not mean your marriage is over.....If I was you I would tell him that you understand that he needs processing/thinking time, tell him you rather he stay but understand if he needs some time away but before he leaves can he help you talk to the neighbors so they can keep their eyes and ears open incase he comes back.....or better do you have friend (that your husband trusts) or family you can go to......

Be careful, likely OM followed you to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

If H leaves and OM shows up, call the cops....again. whhere did OM go after cops showed? If H leaves u can't sstop him. Free will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TashaB

TBT said:


> Sorry if I was out of line,but it appears we're not getting whole story.First you say it was once and in your last post you said it was an affair.What did you say to him in your prior meetings that would give him any hope of marriage? He did get a ring after all.



It was only one time, didn't realize an affair is longer than that. I'm not going to lie to get anyone to believe me. I'm always honest, that's part of why I told my H. It happened as I already said. He contacted me asked me if we could be friends again. I told him IDK because I didn't and he said he would like a second chance that it could be purely platonic again if I gave him that chance and that he missed my friendship. I believed him, that's why I went to H.

And everything that I've been posting has been happening over the past 18 months. I don't know why that would mean I am lying??


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## always_hopefull

Tasha I think part of the issue at hand may be the fact that you see your exAP as your bf, or exbf, however, as a BS I can tell you that you can call him anything you want, but your H only sees him as your AP or lover. Next time you try talking to your H about him try substituting "lover" for his name. It might make you realise just how your H thinks of him. When you said "honey I was just wondering if my bf and I can reconnect with our friendship" all he heard was "honey I was wondering if my lover and I can reconnect". Sadly that is what he hears.

My exh did the same thing as you, he lead the women he was "chatting with" on by passively encouraging them. You must understand that by not saying no, you are in a sense encouraging his behaviour. You may have handled things right after he confronted you at work, but I assure you your H is hurting and doubting your commitment to him and your M. I would ask my exh why these women are still msging him if he has told them to go away. Esentially they never went away bc he never told them to go.

You may also look at one of the reasons that he has not told you his feelings about the whole situation. It could be that he does not trust you with those innermost emotions. Why would he make himself vulnerable to someone who has probably hurt him more than anyone else in his life. Do you consider yourself worthy of his openess? If you truly knew how much you hurt him with your A and your continued contact, would it have really make a difference in your asking to renew your "friendship"?


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## TashaB

Jellybeans said:


> Why, thank you. ::Curtsies::  Tasha, your H is pissed right now. He prob thinks u never ended contact w this guy. And w good reason. I still wish u would fill in the blanks on how ur affair started. There is way too much info missing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I "summarized" everything so people would understand whats been happening and give me advice. I've been bashed a lot on this thread for voicing what I want but i still listened. But calling me a liar is hurtful when all I've done here is ask for advice. If you have a question just ask. You didn't have to call me out my name!!


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## DawnD

TashaB said:


> H isn't responding to anything I say. He wont talk. If he tries to leave should I do something? I cant lose him. GOD I never should have even asked!! I should have just told him that OM contacted me and be done with it. If my H leaves what am I supposed to do if OM shows up? I'm afraid of losing H and if he isn't here, he cant protect me. I love him so much. I just want to fix this. I never should have asked H for OM to stay. I feel stupid.


Honey, we all tried to help you realize this yesterday. How much pain do you think the man can endure due to your selfishness. You need to come to the realization that you slapped him in the face with even asking him to keep the OM around. 

If you haven't talked about the hurt you caused him from your affair yet 18 months out, then you need to talk about it now. You need to know how you ripped his heart out. He may not show it to you, because that would make him vulnerable. And he doesn't trust you with his heart right now.

Take the advice given. Actions. Apologize, heartfelt apology. Realize what you did fully. Go back to my last posts, that is probably what is running through his mind. It will help you understand.


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## TashaB

H keeps walking away from me, not talking to me. Right now I'm just giving him his space, seems all I can do. I've text my girlfriend about staying with her tonight if H leaves. All i can do is wait now. If anyone has any advice for what I should do now, I would appreciate it. 

I know you've said if he leaves it doesn't mean the end of my marriage but that scares me. We've never not stayed in the same house before even after I slept with OM. I'm afraid if he leaves, he wont come back.


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## TashaB

Jellybeans said:


> If H leaves and OM shows up, call the cops....again. whhere did OM go after cops showed? If H leaves u can't sstop him. Free will.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did post this already but OM left when co-worker saw and started coming toward him. Then I called the police. When the police arrived OM was already gone.


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## TBT

Just hope you're safe Tasha.Everything seems to have escalated so quickly.This guy is obviously not the person you thought you knew and I hope your H's primary concern right now is your safety,no matter how angry he may be at the situation.


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## seeking sanity

Hi Tasha, I'm reposting an article that might help you. It sounds like you may have missed some of these steps to begin with. When the betrayed spouse first finds out about an affair, it's called D-Day. By asking if the OM could be buddies and having him show up, it's as if D-Day is happening all over again. That's why your husband is so upset.

Read this:

nderstanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


----------



## DawnD

@ Seeking Sanity---- that was way too long LOL.


----------



## seeking sanity

I know it's long, but I think it's one of the best articles I've ever read on how an unfaithful spouse should act if they want to reconcile. It's worth the read.


----------



## morituri

Tasha, there is nothing you can do now but wait. Your H is engaged in a battle between continuing the marriage and ending the marriage. Your words carry no value or meaning to him at this time.

Your actions - asking your H to give the OM another chance and asking him not to call the police after he trespassed on your property - have created this situation. These same actions of yours have destroyed all the R efforts from your H to rebuild trust in you.

If your H does leave your home, go immediately and stay at your girlfriend's place. Do not be alone in your home. The OM has proven himself to be a dangerous nutcase, who does not care if he trespasses on someone's property. I doubt that he will care about breaking and entering in to your home.


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## TDSC60

TashaB said:


> H keeps walking away from me, not talking to me. Right now I'm just giving him his space, seems all I can do. I've text my girlfriend about staying with her tonight if H leaves. All i can do is wait now. If anyone has any advice for what I should do now, I would appreciate it.
> 
> I know you've said if he leaves it doesn't mean the end of my marriage but that scares me. We've never not stayed in the same house before even after I slept with OM. I'm afraid if he leaves, he wont come back.


You destroyed your old marriage by having sex with OM. Your husband gave you a second chance at rebuilding a new marriage together then you blew that away by asking him if you could "please be friends with the guy who you had sex with and destroyed your marriage". Now he has a nut case stalker to deal with. All thanks to you.

You have to understand that "forgive" does not mean "forget". Your husband will never forget what you did.

Now your husband has a choice to make. Nothing that you can do now will change that. He will come to you when his mind is made up and let you know what his decision is - and yes, he may need to get away from you for a while so he can think clearly about his choices. Frankly, this does not look good for you. The fact that your husband never told you how he felt about you screwing your OM means he has kept it all inside.

The ball is in his court now - all you can do is wait.

But, if he leaves for some time alone please tell him that you will be staying with a GF because you fear what your OM will do if you are there alone. Keep your eyes open. Do not get caught alone in a parking lot or anywhere else. I don't think you or your husband have seen the last of you stalker/lover.


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## adv

TashaB said:


> I never should have asked H for OM to stay. I feel stupid.


I hope this was a typo or just a garbled sentence.


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## adv

TashaB said:


> I "summarized" everything so people would understand whats been happening and give me advice. I've been bashed a lot on this thread for voicing what I want but i still listened. But calling me a liar is hurtful when all I've done here is ask for advice. If you have a question just ask. You didn't have to call me out my name!!


Listen to JellyBean. For as long as I've been reading at this site, I have found her advice invaluable.


----------



## Complexity

I really don't know how to feel about this situation. Tasha strikes me as a 14 year old highschooler that is either isn't mature enough to understand the concept of fidelity or frankly is disengaged from reality. Whether she's someone that's been spoilt from an early age and in consequence became this maniacal narcissist , it's incredibly bizarre that she doesn't understand the gravity of her actions. Which leads me to another thing, her husband either has to be the nicest/Ned Flanders guy out there or perhaps the most pathetic excuse of a man I've ever seen. 

He's clearly allowed this to happen and probably forgave her too quickly for the affair. *The moment* Tasha asked him if she could be friends with him again he should've filed for divorce, the utter disrespect. What man allows his WIFE to be friends with the guy that humiliated him and has been screwing her and what's worse, what sort of "remorseful" wife even entertains the idea of being friends with him again?

My advice to the husband is to run WELL away, just imagine if the marriage hits a real rough patch, who do you think she'll go running to? She has no respect for herself nor her husband and this marriage should've ended a LONG time ago but I'm afraid her husband doesn't understand he deserves much better.

I feel bad for him to be honest.


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## DawnD

Complexity said:


> He's clearly allowed this to happen and probably forgave her too quickly for the affair. *The moment* Tasha asked him if she could be friends with him again he should've filed for divorce, the utter disrespect. What man allows his WIFE to be friends with the guy that humiliated him and has been screwing her and what's worse, what sort of "remorseful" wife even entertains the idea of being friends with him again?
> 
> I feel bad for him to be honest.


You do realize he didn't allow it, right? She asked him and he said hell no. Her asking is the reason why so many of us on here are in awe that she can't see how bad that hurt the husband. Just the simple asking of the OM being allowed as a friend was ridiculous. But he never agreed to it.


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## Complexity

DawnD said:


> You do realize he didn't allow it, right? She asked him and he said hell no. Her asking is the reason why so many of us on here are in awe that she can't see how bad that hurt the husband. Just the simple asking of the OM being allowed as a friend was ridiculous. But he never agreed to it.


No I was trying to get her to see her bizarre thinking. I know the husband didn't allow it, I just don't understand how she could even dream he would.


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## DawnD

Complexity said:


> No I was trying to get her to see her bizarre thinking. I know the husband didn't allow it, I just don't understand how she could even dream he would.


You are asking the million dollar question that we are all waiting to get an answer to


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## morituri

Complexity said:


> No I was trying to get her to see her bizarre thinking. I know the husband didn't allow it, I just don't understand how she could even dream he would.


And after all of us told her not to do that. :slap: :banghead:

She reminds me of those Einsteins on "1000 Ways to Die" who do away with themselves in the most spectacular fashion.


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## sirdano

morituri said:


> And after all of us told her not to do that. :slap: :banghead:
> 
> She reminds me of those Einsteins on "1000 Ways to Die" who do away with themselves in the most spectacular fashion.


In a wierd way I like watching that show. I am amazed how people can be so dumb


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## TashaB

Everything has calmed down here. Just wanted to let all know that I am safe, thank you for caring. Going to try to get some sleep will post later.


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## jnj express

You may think its all calmed down---your problem is when you invited your lover back into your life---you didn't know he had turned obsessive-----now you have a nutcase on your hands, who could actually be out there watching/stalking, -----and you have a H., who may not be around to protect you.

That is one of the major problems when one cheats, you just really don't know what kind of a person you have hooked up when you take on a lover.


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## Sindo

Clairbear's thread probably has one of the most persistent stalker OMs on TAM. Hopefully you won't have to go through the crap they went through, but it may be worth a read anyway.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32192-wife-wants-love-her-life-wtf.html


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## strugglinghusband

morituri said:


> Tasha, there is nothing you can do now but wait. Your H is engaged in a battle between continuing the marriage and ending the marriage. Your words carry no value or meaning to him at this time.
> 
> Your actions - asking your H to give the OM another chance and asking him not to call the police after he trespassed on your property - have created this situation. These same actions of yours have destroyed all the R efforts from your H to rebuild trust in you.
> 
> If your H does leave your home, go immediately and stay at your girlfriend's place. Do not be alone in your home. The OM has proven himself to be a dangerous nutcase, who does not care if he trespasses on someone's property. I doubt that he will care about breaking and entering in to your home.




:iagree:

If you do have to leave, make sure your husband knows where you are and a number to contact you if he wishes too., if he calls home and your not there and he dosent know where you are, oh boy..he will more than likly think the worst.


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## Shaggy

Tasha,

Ask for your husbands help in getting an RO against the OM. He is clearly watching your house too see when you leave and where you go. 

That's how he found you at work. He was probably down the street watching your house. That's also how he was there when you came out on the deck the other night.


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## NaturalHeart

This is the result of giving in to an affair. That dude wanted to get back in so he could do nothing but destroy your marriage for his own selfish desires. He said he wanted a 2nd chance????? To do what, get your husbands blessing while he only fantasized about how he'd get you to sleep with him again.......

If he is looking at your house, he is not just trying to "be friends" and I am so sorry that you actually asked your husband if you could give a 2best friend a 2nd chance. He must know how genuinely naive you are and has to look out for you when you are blind to things like this. 

Sleeping with your best friend while married is bad but telling your husband about it was the least you could do. Asking him if that man can come back into your lives after such a betrayed act was not a good move. Who will it benefit? Right now should be all about your husband and making him completely trust you again.


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## Dadof3

I would add that going by yourself into work to "wrap a few things up" by yourself, especially after the exBF shows up and gets decked by your husband didn't look good to the husband either. I would have asked him to come along, or wait until he was available to go with you.


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## TashaB

I had sex with OM because I wasn't happy. I know it isn't right but that's what happened. H works a lot, I go to sleep by myself. It gets worse when he travels (for work), then he barely has time to call me. And I cant leave to go with him becasue I work, cant just up and leave when i want to. 

 I was upset because I felt abandoned, when I tried to tell him he wouldn't listen. I mean we were more room mates then spouses. He kept saying "I have to work" but even when he was here he would be on his laptop. 

He left on trip and OM invited me over to cheer me up (which is not uncommon for him). He listened to me rant about my issues with H and he put his hand on my thigh and told me he loved me. It escaltated quickly from there. 

I remember during he asked me if I wanted to be with him and without even thinking I just told him yes. I know, big mistake. That part was hardest to tell H. After that we still talked and saw each other for about 6 months but no physical contact. The guilt was really hard, it made me feel sick all the time, so I would go to OM to feel better and then would come home and feel sick again. lost weight. I told H about what happened and apologized. Told him that I loved him and wanted to be with him. and some other things and he gave me another chance. 

I'm very grateful for that. I know he didn't have to but he did. Anyway this whole incident yesterday with OM makes me feel like a setback in our marriage. But im going to do whatever it takes to make things right again.


----------



## TashaB

Thank you/everyone for your advice. I know I didn't listen before and now im in this mess with OM so i hope you guys still help me b/c my husband is very important to me and I don't want to lose him.


----------



## TashaB

strugglinghusband said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If you do have to leave, make sure your husband knows where you are and a number to contact you if he wishes too., if he calls home and your not there and he dosent know where you are, oh boy..he will more than likly think the worst.


thank you for all of your advice. I will let my H know where I am at all times, especially when he isn't around. And I will try to get him to talk to me about me cheating. I have never pressed it before because I don't want to be insensitive. Sometimes he seems ok, himself, other times he just looks angry out of the blue. When I ask y he wont talk to me about it. 

If you know a way I can ask him how this all affected him without him getting angry I would love to here.


----------



## TashaB

Dadof3 said:


> I would add that going by yourself into work to "wrap a few things up" by yourself, especially after the exBF shows up and gets decked by your husband didn't look good to the husband either. I would have asked him to come along, or wait until he was available to go with you.



ok so that's why he is upset/ wouldn't talk to me? Because he doesn't believe I haven't had contact with OM? DO you think it would help to get phone records to show him?


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## DawnD

TashaB said:


> ok so that's why he is upset/ wouldn't talk to me? Because he doesn't believe I haven't had contact with OM? DO you think it would help to get phone records to show him?


 You can do it, but I don't know if it will help all that much at this point. I posted a bit back, that by now he was probably wondering on the night you asked him if your OM could become friend again, that your OM made you look like a liar honey.

Don't you think your husband is going to question the fact that you asked him about OM, and minutes later you were on your back porch with him. He might wonder if he was there while he was gone at work with you, alone.

He is going to wonder why you would slap him in the face with even ASKING that he be allowed back in your life.

He is probably wondering if you even cut contact at all right now, just because things are so fresh and painful for him.

I can't guarantee you he will want to stay. That is a lot to put one person through. I know your counselor told you that your "didn't see the whole picture" but that is really just a nice way of saying you were being self centered. You need to address that yourself, and figure out why you would ever think that the OM being back in your life would be ok even for a second. You put him before your marriage AGAIN, and your H is now suffering. You need to get to the root of your problem, and see if you can salvage the marriage.


----------



## TashaB

DawnD said:


> You can do it, but I don't know if it will help all that much at this point. I posted a bit back, that by now he was probably wondering on the night you asked him if your OM could become friend again, that your OM made you look like a liar honey.
> 
> Don't you think your husband is going to question the fact that you asked him about OM, and minutes later you were on your back porch with him. He might wonder if he was there while he was gone at work with you, alone.
> 
> He is going to wonder why you would slap him in the face with even ASKING that he be allowed back in your life.
> 
> He is probably wondering if you even cut contact at all right now, just because things are so fresh and painful for him.
> 
> I can't guarantee you he will want to stay. That is a lot to put one person through. I know your counselor told you that your "didn't see the whole picture" but that is really just a nice way of saying you were being self centered. You need to address that yourself, and figure out why you would ever think that the OM being back in your life would be ok even for a second. You put him before your marriage AGAIN, and your H is now suffering. You need to get to the root of your problem, and see if you can salvage the marriage.



He did question everything (last night) i thought it was just him wanting to know. He asked me about OM showing up in our backyard and at my work. 

I try to think about what it was like before I cheated, I don't like to think about it. H wont talk about it from his side. I try to move on by ignoring. Just forget because I don't know how to handle thinking about it. I NEVER thought I would ever do that and I did. I broke my vows and I halfway hate myself for it. So i'd rather not think about it.


----------



## DawnD

TashaB said:


> He did question everything i thought it was just him wanting to know. He asked me about OM showing up in our backyard and at my work.
> 
> I try to think about what it was like before I cheated, I don't like to think about it. H wont talk about it from his side. I try to move on by ignoring. Just forget because I don't know how to handle thinking about it. I NEVER thought I would ever do that and I did. I broke my vows and I halfway hate myself for it. So i'd rather not think about it.


That isn't a luxury you have. You made a choice, and with choices come consequences. 

Your H isn't talking to you, because he doesn't trust you. Simply put. When my H told me about his affair, I didn't say anything to him for about two weeks. No trust. When I did say something, it wasn't nice. 

You are trying to rug sweep (meaning just ignore what you did and how it affected your marriage) and that is denying your husband the ability to heal.


----------



## TashaB

DawnD said:


> You are trying to rug sweep (meaning just ignore what you did and how it affected your marriage) and that is denying your husband the ability to heal.


I deal with it when I have to. If he asks me questions, at the consoler's office but he wont talk about it either. I dont know if he hates me too or still loves me because he wont tell me. And he wont tell me how any of it affected him. I don't know what to do about it.


----------



## DawnD

You read and find out how it does affect people. There are plenty of people here who will tell you what its like to have their spouse cheat on them. The emotional pain, the anger and sadness all rolled into one big pile.

I think Seeking posted an article that you should read on this thread pages back. Its a good look into what happens ( it is long though LOL).

Silence in this case probably means lack of trust. Even if he was starting to heal from your affair, he is now back at base one since you decided to ask about OM coming back into your life. So start back at base one with him, and do anything you can do to show him you want him and your marriage, because your current actions don't say that at all. Your current actions say he is less important than your affair partner. And that hurts like you would never believe.


----------



## calif_hope

All this is so very fresh for your husband and he is also dealing with your affair.....he needs some time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3

Yea - its like DD2. His emotional wounds are open and raw. You will need to understand this.


----------



## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> *I had sex with OM because I wasn't happy.*


So if your husband leaves you because he is not happy you will understand.

Life is tough. We are responsible for our own happiness. We are also accountable for what we do in the pursuit of happiness.

Choices.


----------



## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> After I got off of work, (I really just had to run to the office to take care of something. It wasn't a full work day for me.) I went to my car and OM was there. He immediately brought the ring out again. I told him not to ever talk to me again and turned to go back into the building when he grabbed my arm.
> 
> He asked me to marry him, again and I said no, leave me alone. I don't ever want to see you again. He looked upset but then a co-worker walked by and he left, got in his car and drove off. I'm still in the parking lot waiting on H and the police.
> 
> He/OM looked, not himself. He is starting to scare me. He's never been this way before and I've known him over 20 years. This is out of character for him, my arm still hurts a lot. And I'm still trying to figure out how he knew I went to work. I wasn't scheduled to work today but had to run in to quickly (1 1/2 hours) take care of something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You did good. This OM is stalking you. You should now know how serious this has become. Be careful he could become a "Bunny Boiler".


----------



## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> Troll thread?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good chance.


----------



## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> Can someone help me/ advice? H is distant, I think he's going to leave. I love him I don't want anyone else. H won't talk to me I don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask him to post on this thread ....


----------



## Entropy3000

calif_hope said:


> Don't know, sometimes fact is stranger than fiction and I have several adults in my life that will touch the muffler even after you tell them they will get burnt.
> 
> A good number of the Generation Y group live their life with a personal sense of entitlement - and their mommies, daddies, and the system protected them from consequences (everyone gets a blue ribbon, no score kept, no losers.
> 
> I could easily see a member of this generation do the things this WW has done, even blogging in her car after the altercation. A friend of mine, a Calif Highway Patrol Officer told me that last month he came upon a two car accident....one of the drivers (@fault) a early 20 female was taking pictures from her car, posting on face book and answering posts from friends.....he asked her why didn't she get out if her car and see how the other driver and their child was.....he said she looked at him like he was an idiot and said she had too many Facebook messages to respond to........It blows my mind that our country can produce the men and women who serving our nation is the same on that produced the drivervin my story and the likes of TabithaB.
> 
> My
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is true.


----------



## morituri

TashaB said:


> I had sex with OM because I wasn't happy. I know it isn't right but that's what happened. H works a lot, I go to sleep by myself. It gets worse when he travels (for work), then he barely has time to call me. And I cant leave to go with him becasue I work, cant just up and leave when i want to.
> 
> I was upset because I felt abandoned, when I tried to tell him he wouldn't listen. I mean we were more room mates then spouses. He kept saying "I have to work" but even when he was here he would be on his laptop.
> 
> He left on trip and OM invited me over to cheer me up (which is not uncommon for him). He listened to me rant about my issues with H and he put his hand on my thigh and told me he loved me. It escaltated quickly from there.
> 
> I remember during he asked me if I wanted to be with him and without even thinking I just told him yes. I know, big mistake. That part was hardest to tell H. After that we still talked and saw each other for about 6 months but no physical contact. The guilt was really hard, it made me feel sick all the time, so I would go to OM to feel better and then would come home and feel sick again. lost weight. I told H about what happened and apologized. Told him that I loved him and wanted to be with him. and some other things and he gave me another chance.
> 
> I'm very grateful for that. I know he didn't have to but he did. Anyway this whole incident yesterday with OM makes me feel like a setback in our marriage. But im going to do whatever it takes to make things right again.


A short time ago there was a man who came with a story very similar to yours regarding his wife's cheating. Do you know if your H has ever come to this site to post?


----------



## Darth Vader

morituri said:


> A short time ago there was a man who came with a story very similar to yours regarding his wife's cheating. Do you know if your H has ever come to this site to post?


Has her husband asked her about what happened? Details? If she's been unwilling to do that (if he's asked) he'll feel like she's covering up and protecting her OM. He may be wondering if there are any more OM, or even if she's pregnant with the OM's baby.


----------



## TashaB

calif_hope said:


> All this is so very fresh for your husband and he is also dealing with your affair.....he needs some time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok will try to give him space/time.


----------



## TashaB

Entropy3000 said:


> You did good. This OM is stalking you. You should now know how serious this has become. Be careful he could become a "Bunny Boiler".


Bunny boiler??


----------



## Almostrecovered

from the movie fatal attraction, Glen Close boiled her affair partner's family pet when she started to stalk him after being rebuffed

if you click the newbie link in my signature you will see a list of terms and abbreviations


----------



## TashaB

morituri said:


> A short time ago there was a man who came with a story very similar to yours regarding his wife's cheating. Do you know if your H has ever come to this site to post?


I asked him and he said no.

Entropy3000 - I asked him to or at least to help me help us and he didn't answer. I guess he is thinking about it. Not sure he will post here when he doesn't talk about his feelings to me. We'll see I guess.


----------



## TashaB

Almostrecovered said:


> from the movie fatal attraction, Glen Close boiled her affair partner's family pet when she started to stalk him after being rebuffed
> 
> if you click the newbie link in my signature you will see a list of terms and abbreviations


Ok thanks, didn't know


----------



## F-102

I get the feeling that the POSOM will show up again, her H will call the police, but nothing will be done because the POSOM's family are rich, have expensive lawyers, have "friends" with the police and the DA's office, a few VIP's who owe them favors...


----------



## DailyGrind

F-102 said:


> I get the feeling that the POSOM will show up again, her H will call the police, but nothing will be done because the POSOM's family are rich, have expensive lawyers, have "friends" with the police and the DA's office, a few VIP's who owe them favors...


Maybe he's the son of the governor!


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## Entropy3000

F-102 said:


> I get the feeling that the POSOM will show up again, her H will call the police, but nothing will be done because the POSOM's family are rich, have expensive lawyers, have "friends" with the police and the DA's office, a few VIP's who owe them favors...


The husbands brother will take the OM into his home while he continues his stalking ... oh wait. Nevermind.


----------



## TRy

TashaB said:


> I try to think about what it was like before I cheated, I don't like to think about it. H wont talk about it from his side. I try to move on by ignoring. Just forget because I don't know how to handle thinking about it. I NEVER thought I would ever do that and I did. I broke my vows and I halfway hate myself for it. So i'd rather not think about it.


Address the EMOTIONAL AFFAIR aspect right now.

You are admitting to and addressing only the physical affair (PA) aspect, but have not admitted to or addressed the emotional affair (EA) aspect of your cheating to your husband. Your H feels, but does not know how to put into words, that the EA was the most serious part of your cheating because it went on for so long and was never really addressed or ended with you continuing to still call the OM your best friend. In many marriages spouses consider each other their best friends (true in my own marriage). That is perhaps what your H was hoping for in his marriage but the OM got in the way. In light of this, after finally getting the OM out of your marriage, you recently asking your H to allow the OM to be your best friend again must have been really painful.

You need to take this head on. You need to tell your husband that you are not only sorry for the PA but also for the EA. You may need to explain to him what and EA is but once you do he will finally understand his own feelings. You need to tell him that you want to not only work on the marriage, but on also making him your best friend. Tell him that you were wrong and selfish not to have done this sooner. Good luck. I hope that it is not too late.


----------



## TashaB

I have a question, OM's sister just called me left a voicemail. I used to be close to OM's entire family before I cheated. Though they don't know that I did. 

Is it okay to talk to her? Wanted you guys advice before I do anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NaturalHeart

TashaB said:


> I have a question, OM's sister just called me left a voicemail. I used to be close to OM's entire family before I cheated. Though they don't know that I did.
> 
> Is it okay to talk to her? Wanted you guys advice before I do anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think the bells are going off here!
Dear, let it go! No don't call her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ing

ANY contact with anybody closely connected to the OM is a no go area. You already know what it is going to be about.


----------



## Tap1214

OMG, what planet are you from??? Instead of listening to what others are advising you, you continue to ask stupid questions over and over again!! 
Bottom line, NC with OM or his family, period!!!


----------



## ing

Tap1214 said:


> OMG, what planet are you from??? Instead of listening to what others are advising you, you continue to ask stupid questions over and over again!!
> Bottom line, NC with OM or his family, period!!!


This is the FOG in action. She is trying to have both the OM and her H. 
See Sigma1299 post on what is probably going on in her head.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/37368-looking-cheaters-point-view.html


----------



## TBT

How long does the fog last,especially since she admits no contact for one year?


----------



## F-102

Then we'll find out the POSOM has a history of crime and being abusive, was arrested several times, but his family connections got him off.
Then the sis is pleading with Clairebe..., oh yeah, Tasha to please call him because she knows deep down that Tasha and POSOM were really meant to be together (oh, and she happens to live one block away from Tasha) and he's threatening to kill himself.
Then we'll come to find that POSOM's family wanted him to marry cantbel..., oops, TASHA all along, bought him the ring that happens to be worth $20,000, and are enabling his behavior...


----------



## TBT

Similar situations and problems are what bring most to this forum looking for help.


----------



## aug

TashaB said:


> I have a question, OM's sister just called me left a voicemail. I used to be close to OM's entire family before I cheated. Though they don't know that I did.
> 
> Is it okay to talk to her? Wanted you guys advice before I do anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No, it's not okay to talk to her. Maybe way into the future, but not now.

Let your husband know she called.


----------



## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> I have a question, OM's sister just called me left a voicemail. I used to be close to OM's entire family before I cheated. Though they don't know that I did.
> 
> Is it okay to talk to her? Wanted you guys advice before I do anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*ABSOLUTELY NOT.* None of his family. None of his close friends. Not his distant uncle either. Not his landlady. Not his boss. Not his co-workers. Not his school mates. Not his mail-man. Not his doctor / nurse. Not his lawyer. Not his mechanic. Not anyone who can even have the appearance of being associated with him. No one that can report back to him where you are, what you said or what you are doing. No one who can be percieved to continue the affair by vicarious communication.

Block him and these others on facebook or any other social media. Block his phone number. Block his email and anyone else who is contacting related to him.

Have I covered everyone? No. You should get the idea though. NC means NO CONTACT of any kind. Not even through other people. Again perception is as important as anything else.


----------



## Entropy3000

TBT said:


> How long does the fog last,especially since she admits no contact for one year?


She has not had no contact for one year. She was offerred a ring recently on her back porch. They met at his work. That counts. She recently has been corresponding with him and asked her husband if they could still be best friends.

NC means no contact at all, not just no sex.


----------



## morituri

Entropy3000 said:


> *ABSOLUTELY NOT.* None of his family. None of his close friends. Not his distant uncle either. Not his landlady. Not his boss. Not his co-workers. Not his school mates. Not his mail-man. Not his doctor / nurse. Not his lawyer. Not his mechanic. Not anyone who is can even have the appearance of being associated with him. No one that can report back to him where you are, what you said or what you are doing. No one who can be percieved to continue the affair by vicarious communication.
> 
> Block him and these others on facebook or any other social media. Block his phone number. Block his email and anyone else who is contacting related to him.
> 
> Have I covered everyone? No. You should get the idea though. NC mean NO CONTACT of any kind. Not even through other people. Again perception is as important as anything else.



You forgot that family's pets.


----------



## Entropy3000

morituri said:


> You forgot that family's pets.


Dang. And Gimpy his pet pig. Thanks dude.


----------



## morituri

aug said:


> No, it's not okay to talk to her. Maybe way into the future, but not now.
> 
> Let your husband know she called.


:iagree:

Ask your H if he would like to speak to her to inform her of her brother's stalking of you to ask you to runaway with him, tresspassing on your personal property, and to never again contact you.


----------



## DawnD

Tasha. Wake up honey. You are doing it ALL over again. Stop trying to make decisions about OM and his family without your H. As soon as you realized she called and left a message, you should have called your H to tell him. Don't delete it, let him listen to it, and let him tell you how he wants it handled. STOP trying to "handle" things without him, you are only making it worse.


----------



## TDSC60

TashaB said:


> I have a question, OM's sister just called me left a voicemail. I used to be close to OM's entire family before I cheated. Though they don't know that I did.
> 
> Is it okay to talk to her? Wanted you guys advice before I do anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NO. Do not call. Tell your husband. Let him decide what is best for HIM. Remember - you started this tread with questions about helping you and your husband deal with this mess. 

Think about it. How long since you had contact with OM's sister? It's been a long time (my guess). Now suddenly she calls and leaves a voice mail. Obviously OM has talked to his sister and wants her to gather info about you for him.

This is his attempt to get to you by another avenue. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.


----------



## Jellybeans

There's so much drama in the LBC... Ok seriously. Tasha are u going to fill in all the blanks for us that are missing? There are a lot of loopholes? How does one go from being a best friend to sex and then...nothing and out of nowhere a proposal? This story makes no sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TashaB

DawnD said:


> Tasha. Wake up honey. You are doing it ALL over again. Stop trying to make decisions about OM and his family without your H. As soon as you realized she called and left a message, you should have called your H to tell him. Don't delete it, let him listen to it, and let him tell you how he wants it handled. STOP trying to "handle" things without him, you are only making it worse.



Ok thanks for advice, feels like I'm being tested with everything by my H wanted to do what was right by him. We had huge argument and he said the other night you can go be with him. I said sorry that that isnt what I want, I want him. She only said in voicemail that she hadn't talked to me in forever and to call her. I did not call her, let my H listen to voicemail. He has my phone again until tomorrow when i get a new one and new number. I wont be talking to anyone in his family.


----------



## Dadof3

Be prepared for stalking OM relatives now.


----------



## TashaB

TDSC60 said:


> NO. Do not call. Tell your husband. Let him decide what is best for HIM. Remember - you started this tread with questions about helping you and your husband deal with this mess.
> 
> Think about it. How long since you had contact with OM's sister? It's been a long time (my guess). Now suddenly she calls and leaves a voice mail. Obviously OM has talked to his sister and wants her to gather info about you for him.
> 
> This is his attempt to get to you by another avenue. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.


hadn't thought of that. Though I dont think he wants info on me he knows almost everything about me, was friends for over 20 years. I wont call her or any of his family. It's been a year stopped talking to OM's family when I stopped talking to OM


----------



## Dadof3

Tasha - take a look at this thread, if you want to see how your situation might end up playing out: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32192-wife-wants-love-her-life-wtf.html

You sound a LOT like Clairebear's wife.


----------



## TashaB

JELLYBEANS



TashaB said:


> I had sex with OM because I wasn't happy. I know it isn't right but that's what happened. H works a lot, I go to sleep by myself. It gets worse when he travels (for work), then he barely has time to call me. And I cant leave to go with him becasue I work, cant just up and leave when i want to.
> 
> I was upset because I felt abandoned, when I tried to tell him he wouldn't listen. I mean we were more room mates then spouses. He kept saying "I have to work" but even when he was here he would be on his laptop.
> 
> He left on trip and OM invited me over to cheer me up (which is not uncommon for him). He listened to me rant about my issues with H and he put his hand on my thigh and told me he loved me. It escaltated quickly from there.
> 
> I remember during he asked me if I wanted to be with him and without even thinking I just told him yes. I know, big mistake. That part was hardest to tell H. After that we still talked and saw each other for about 6 months but no physical contact. The guilt was really hard, it made me feel sick all the time, so I would go to OM to feel better and then would come home and feel sick again. I lost weight. I told H about what happened and apologized. Told him that I loved him and wanted to be with him. and some other things and he gave me another chance.


If you have a question just ask. This all started about 18 months ago. I DONT KNOW why he didn't talk to me for a year but now is trying to. I wish I could answer that but I dont know because I stopped talking to him, during that year he seemed to respect that because he never reached out to me to contact me in anyway. What changed?? I dont know, i really dont. I've been wondering that too because if I knew than maybe I would know what to do to get him to leave me alone. 

OM and I used to talk about being together during those 6 months but after I told my H we slept together I told OM that we cant talk because I want my marriage to work. OM didn't talk to me after that, I had asked him not to so I had always assumed he was doing it because I asked.


----------



## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> There's so much drama in the LBC... Ok seriously. Tasha are u going to fill in all the blanks for us that are missing? There are a lot of loopholes? How does one go from being a best friend to sex and then...nothing and out of nowhere a proposal? This story makes no sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It must be kismet. Moments after asking her husband if she could be friends now with her male BFF and recent AP she steps out on her back porch and there he is with a ring and a proposal. Then he shows up again at her work at a time she was not scheduled to work. Now his sister calls and she is confused as how to handle that.


----------



## morituri

TashaB said:


> *OM and I used to talk about being together during those 6 months* but after I told my H we slept together I told OM that we cant talk because I want my marriage to work. OM didn't talk to me after that, I had asked him not to so I had always assumed he was doing it because I asked.


He probably used the year of no contact, to get the money to buy the ring.

To him having sex with you meant a bonding, sexual and emotional. He refuses to accept that, despite your talks about being together, you actually used him to feel good about yourself. He may believe that your husband has you brainwashed and that if you leave with him that you will open your eyes that it is he your true love and not your husband.

You said that his behavior was uncharacteristic but it now seems evident that you really didn't know your so-called best friend that well. What you saw was a mask but never his true face, that is until now. That is why I said in a previous comment that the person you called your best friend was gone or never really existed.


----------



## TDSC60

TashaB said:


> hadn't thought of that. Though I dont think he wants info on me he knows almost everything about me, was friends for over 20 years. I wont call her or any of his family. It's been a year stopped talking to OM's family when I stopped talking to OM


Tasha you misunderstood or most likely I was not clear. First you have to stop viewing this OM and his family as the same people you have known for 20 years. You have to think of him as a dangerous stalker and his supporters.

Stalkers and people obsessed with someone have there own set of rules.

You say to his sister " I am sorry for OM and his pain, but I am married and love my husband. OM needs to leave me alone."

OM hears "Tasha says if she were not married, then you and her can be together". Or "Husband is the reason Tasha and OM cannot be together."

I am trying to get you to realize that ANY contact with this guy OR his family OR his friends will be interpreted by him as your willingness or desire to continue what you started 18 months ago.

He has already shown that he has escalated to physical confrontation by grabbing your arm.

Please, for your safety and that of your husband, understand that the person who was your friend since childhood is dead. A potentially dangerous stalker has replaced him. 

It may not go that far but you have to understand that it could.


----------



## uwa

Not to be rude, Tasha, but how old are you and your husband? you strike me as either very naive or very young.


----------



## Shaggy

TashaB said:


> JELLYBEANS
> 
> 
> 
> If you have a question just ask. This all started about 18 months ago. I DONT KNOW why he didn't talk to me for a year but now is trying to. I wish I could answer that but I dont know because I stopped talking to him, during that year he seemed to respect that because he never reached out to me to contact me in anyway. What changed?? I dont know, i really dont. I've been wondering that too because if I knew than maybe I would know what to do to get him to leave me alone.
> 
> OM and I used to talk about being together during those 6 months but after I told my H we slept together I told OM that we cant talk because I want my marriage to work. OM didn't talk to me after that, I had asked him not to so I had always assumed he was doing it because I asked.


He's back because either he attempted another relationship and it ended - so he's turning to you, 

OR

it's the holidays and he's decided that he is lonely and that you are in love with him.

How naive are you lady? Common, dude stalks you at your home, he stalks you at work, and then his sister just happens to call up? This dude has seen too many rom-coms and is now stalking you.


----------



## TashaB

uwa said:


> Not to be rude, Tasha, but how old are you and your husband? you strike me as either very naive or very young.


H - 37 Me - 27
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calif_hope

Would have bet $$ you were in your late teens or early 20s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3

10 year age gap - can be challenging to marriages too. I understand that generally, marriage within the 10 year range works out better. Keep in mind, this is a generality, and I'm sure plenty of posters will point out success stories outside of the 10 year gap.


----------



## TashaB

TDSC60 said:


> Tasha you misunderstood or most likely I was not clear. First you have to stop viewing this OM and his family as the same people you have known for 20 years. You have to think of him as a dangerous stalker and his supporters.
> 
> Stalkers and people obsessed with someone have there own set of rules.
> 
> You say to his sister " I am sorry for OM and his pain, but I am married and love my husband. OM needs to leave me alone."
> 
> OM hears "Tasha says if she were not married, then you and her can be together". Or "Husband is the reason Tasha and OM cannot be together."
> 
> I am trying to get you to realize that ANY contact with this guy OR his family OR his friends will be interpreted by him as your willingness or desire to continue what you started 18 months ago.
> 
> He has already shown that he has escalated to physical confrontation by grabbing your arm.
> 
> Please, for your safety and that of your husband, understand that the person who was your friend since childhood is dead. A potentially dangerous stalker has replaced him.
> 
> It may not go that far but you have to understand that it could.



I understand what your saying and I don't take it lightly. But that was very hard to read, I was crying. He was never this way and I feel it's all my fault and I need to fix it. But I wont because I think it would cost me my marriage. Im in between a rock and a hard place i guess.


----------



## snap

It's not just your fault, he is as much in it as you are.

As a simple life rule, remember that friends don't f*ck friends. Literally or figuratively. This guy is not your friend. He must have been infatuated with you for many years prior. Stop viewing it as something you broke, there was no true friendship for long time before it all went down burning.


----------



## DawnD

TashaB said:


> I understand what your saying and I don't take it lightly. But that was very hard to read, I was crying. He was never this way and I feel it's all my fault and I need to fix it. But I wont because I think it would cost me my marriage. Im in between a rock and a hard place i guess.


THAT. THAT is the problem. The way you are thinking. Instead of being in tears over the fact you have hurt your husband AGAIN, you are in tears over having to drop the OM and his family. That is sooo backwards. You and the OM overstepped. You two had an affair. Anything that has to do with him, you need to stop giving a sh** about. You need to focus solely on your marriage and your husband. Wasting tears over this guy is only going to make your husband think he needs to get rid of you. Seriously.


----------



## morituri

TashaB said:


> I understand what your saying and I don't take it lightly. But that was very hard to read, I was crying. *He was never this way and I feel it's all my fault and I need to fix it.* But I wont because I think it would cost me my marriage. Im in between a rock and a hard place i guess.


Stop looking at him like a wounded child. Yes you used him and yes you should feel bad about using another person as a band aid to your marital problems. But guess what? He got what he so richly deserved. He paid the price for *allowing himself* to get emotionally/sexually involved with a married woman knowing that it was asking for a world of hurt. 

If he had truly been your best friend he would have never crossed the line and he would have strongly encuoraged you to try to resolve your marital issues with your husband by talking with him. But what did he do instead? He took advantage of your marital problems in order to seduce you. Some best friend he was. 

Just like you he was a user, and just like you are paying the price for having been one so is he.


----------



## COguy

TashaB said:


> I understand what your saying and I don't take it lightly. But that was very hard to read, I was crying. He was never this way and I feel it's all my fault and I need to fix it. But I wont because I think it would cost me my marriage. Im in between a rock and a hard place i guess.


You're in a wide open field running headfirst into the only rock on the property. You're still focused on the OM more than your husband.

Stop thinking in terms of "costing your marriage". You are thinking selfishly and incorrectly. When you truly start loving your husband in the correct way, your thoughts will change to, "Why would I choose to inflict more pain on my husband?"

When the wise man points to the moon, the dummy looks at his finger. You are thinking we are telling you to stop talking to OM. We are, but you don't realize that it's because your focus should be on your husband's feelings and not yourself or the a**hole you think is your friend.

Your thoughts right now and leading up to now are selfish thoughts. They are centered around your thoughts and feelings. It's normal, we're all human., but you won't realize a marital breakthrough like that.


----------



## snap

COguy said:


> Stop thinking in terms of "costing your marriage". You are thinking selfishly and incorrectly. When you truly start loving your husband in the correct way, your thoughts will change to, "Why would I choose to inflict more pain on my husband?"


A thousand times this. It looks like you view your marriage just as another asset. It's not a house, a car or a summer cabin, you shouldn't be doing cost/benefit calculations with your relationship!


----------



## NaturalHeart

Today, 03:41 AM #*1* (*permalink*) TashaB​

Member​ 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 44 









*Can guys have a platonic friendship with a woman?* 
I just recently learned that my former best friend was in love with me for a long time. I've known him over 20 years. Was talking to my girlfriend about this who doesn't know him and she wondered how he could have felt that way for so long and I not know. 

It got me wondering can a guy have a genuine platonic friendship with a woman? 
















Today, 03:41 AM #*1* (*permalink*) ]

You posted this in the mens clubhouse. You know this does not apply to you because you can't be platonic when you slept with your best friend. What is wrong honey? You are trying to find justification for wanting to be in the presence of this man. I'm gonna stop here because I ...... :scratchhead:


----------



## TBT

Wow,it appears like the relationship with the OM is more important to your own needs.Your H and marriage appear incidental and the last thing on your mind.Your relationship with OM is beyond platonic.If you keep going down this path maybe you can have a platonic relationship with your H after he divorces you!


----------



## aug

TashaB said:


> H - 37 Me - 27
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



that's a decade of difference in maturity here.


----------



## dymo

I don't see the age difference as that great. My parents have the same age difference, and they've been happily married for 30 years.


----------



## Mrs. T

morituri said:


> *Tell you H right now that the OM contacted you.* If you don't then whatever progress there is to rebuild his trust in you is going to be blown apart.
> 
> If you truly love your H and want to remain married to him, then you can never again have anything to do with the OM. The two of you broke your friendship the moment the two of you chose to cross the boundaries (confessing to have feelings of love, the extra-marital sex) that made that friendship possible.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## aug

dymo said:


> I don't see the age difference as that great. My parents have the same age difference, and they've been happily married for 30 years.



In the case here, OP is probably closer in taste and outlook to the OM than her husband's, and may explain why she's having a hard time letting the OM go.


----------



## dymo

Maybe, but even if Tasha and her H were the same age, it would still be hard to let go of someone she saw as her best friend for 22 years.

She made her choice between OM and her husband, and knows who is more important. The problem isn't that Tasha won't let go of OM, it's that OM won't let go of Tasha.


----------



## Tap1214

Yes, according to Tasha B, she made a choice, her husband! However, like Jellybeans said earlier, something doesn't sound right in this story. It's not just OM who can't let go Tasha, but I have a feeling she can't let go OM, very reason why she asks same questions over and over again about OM!


----------



## aug

Tap1214 said:


> Yes, according to Tasha B, she made a choice, her husband! However, like Jellybeans said earlier, something doesn't sound right in this story. It's not just OM who can't let go Tasha, but I have a feeling she can't let go OM, very reason why she asks same questions over and over again about OM!


Yes, it does seem that she cant let go. Here is the post she started today.


----------



## TashaB

dymo said:


> even if Tasha and her H were the same age, it would still be hard to let go of someone she saw as her best friend for 22 years.
> 
> She made her choice between OM and her husband, and knows who is more important.


Thank you very much for sharing this as it is exactly how I feel. I don't want to have sex with OM again, I wanted my friendship with OM back and that's what I miss. AND yes, I did choose my husband, which is the reason I confessed to him. I love him.


----------



## TashaB

I chose my husband. But should I not be concerned for OM when he is clearly not ok? Should I be ok with letting him fend off his own problems? I cant be there and I wont be, I know that now. But does that mean I should be ok with it? 

I am concerned about how my husband is dealing with all of this and my marriage which is why we are in MC. I'm already doing what I can to take care of my husband and my marriage. 

But I'm not involved with making sure OM is ok who i'd known for most of my life. Who I had always made sure I was there for when something was wrong, in the past. and now I cant. I'm human god damn it. I have to live with it, I know I do. But its not ok to me.


----------



## Jellybeans

You are correct ... "now you can't."...that is, if you want to keep your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

TashaB said:


> I chose my husband. But should I not be concerned for OM when he is clearly not ok? Should I be ok with letting him fend off his own problems? I cant be there and I wont be, I know that now. But does that mean I should be ok with it?
> 
> I am concerned about how my husband is dealing with all of this and my marriage which is why we are in MC. I'm already doing what I can to take care of my husband and my marriage.
> 
> But I'm not involved with making sure OM is ok who i'd known for most of my life. Who I had always made sure I was there for when something was wrong, in the past. and now I cant. I'm human god damn it. I have to live with it, I know I do. But its not ok to me.


OM is a grown man - he should and can take care of himself.

obviously he's also got his sister to turn to.


----------



## Initfortheduration

TashaB said:


> This whole situation makes me want to cry, but I hold it together. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want this to be any worse for him then it already is. What I am asking is that he allow us to earn his trust back. He has already started to with me.



I mean look at this post. You say "What I am asking is that he allow us to earn his trust back. He has already started to with me". YOU HAVE NOT TOLD YOUR HUSBAND YOU HAVE BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THE OM. YOU AREN'T TRUST WORTHY AT ALL. Oh and just to clear something up. Isn't it funny how you use the word "us". When you talk about the OM. I give you a month of seeing him and you will be heals up underneath him. You need to free your husband from his role as your cuckold and let him find someone who will love him and not some BFF from her childhood. Grow up.


----------



## Initfortheduration

No one expects you to be OK with it. They expect you to be more concerned with your husband then the OM. Which, at least at this point, and as far as your posting show you are not. 

Here is the cold hard fact. Because you had sex with your best friend you cannot speak to or see him again. You act like those following your post should feel compassion for you because you screwed up and lost your BF. You want to know something. NO ONE HERE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT YOUR XBF OR THE FACT THAT YOU CAN NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN. THEY CARE ABOUT YOUR POOR HUSBAND AND YOUR MARRIAGE. 

I would venture to say that had any person hurt your husband the way YOUR friend did (that is if you love your husband) wouldn't you hate the person that did this to him? Shouldn't you hate him for what he did to someone you love. Yeah right.


----------



## Chaparral

TashaB said:


> I chose my husband. But should I not be concerned for OM when he is clearly not ok? Should I be ok with letting him fend off his own problems? I cant be there and I wont be, I know that now. But does that mean I should be ok with it?
> 
> I am concerned about how my husband is dealing with all of this and my marriage which is why we are in MC. I'm already doing what I can to take care of my husband and my marriage.
> 
> But I'm not involved with making sure OM is ok who i'd known for most of my life. Who I had always made sure I was there for when something was wrong, in the past. and now I cant. I'm human god damn it. I have to live with it, I know I do. But its not ok to me.


If you don't quit obsessing over your boyfriend, like yesterday, your going to look up and your husband is going to be gone. With what he's done to your husband he should be the last thing on your mind. 

Just think for a moment, what would your boyfriend be doing right now if he thought your husband was going out of town tonight on business. He's passed over to stalkerville. He's a nut and nuts are dangerous.


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## morituri

chapparal said:


> If you don't quit obsessing over your boyfriend, like yesterday, your going to look up and your husband is going to be gone. With what he's done to your husband he should be the last thing on your mind.
> 
> Just think for a moment, what would your boyfriend be doing right now if he thought your husband was going out of town tonight on business. He's passed over to stalkerville. He's a nut and nuts are dangerous.


:iagree:


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## Initfortheduration

Exactly Chapparal, if he had the opportunity, and her husband was out of town. He wouldn't give two sh!ts about him. He would be all over her like white on rice. And whats more.......she knows it. But she wants her friend. And she has been such an exemplary wife. No selfishness. She just wants to have her best friend back. Her husband must make the bucks, for her to love him this much.


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## TRy

TashaB said:


> I don't want to have sex with OM again, I wanted my friendship with OM back and that's what I miss.


I find it very dishonest of you that you still call the OM your former best friend. Because the other man has now admitted to you that he has always been in love with you, you now know for sure that from his point of view he was never "just a friend" to you. His being in love with you made it such that he never treated you as he would have a true friend. This is why you enjoy his company so much and the special (more than just friends) attention that he has always given you. A true friend would be a friend to your marraige, which he never was. He was never your friend, he was always a suitor that was courting you, waiting for the right moment to strike at your marraige. 

Add to this the fact that yesterday (at 12:001PM) you posted that "OM and I used to talk about being together during those 6 months" and your claim to him being just a friend evaporates completely. You talking about being together means that you were also in love with him. You are still in the fog trying to justify your feelings for OM as being just friends, when you know it was a whole lot more. Be honest to yourself. Be honest to your husband. Admit that he was always in love with you and that you were at one time also in love with him, and that the relationship that you had with him was always toxic to your marraige. If you ask your husband, I bet that he will tell you that he never liked you having the OM as your best friend even before the sex. Your relationship with the OM has never been good for your marraige. You wishing for it the way that it was before is just wrong, and I am sure that your husband is just sick of hearing this from you.


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## ing

> I chose my husband. But should I not be concerned for OM when he is clearly not ok? Should I be ok with letting him fend off his own problems? I cant be there and I wont be, I know that now. But does that mean I should be ok with it?
> 
> I am concerned about how my husband is dealing with all of this and my marriage which is why we are in MC. I'm already doing what I can to take care of my husband and my marriage.


Look at that. You still think of him as "Your Husband". Your marriage. 

I can tell you that Your Husband is seriously thinking of *not being your husband* ever again. The longer this rubbish goes on the less he will be yours. 


His love for you is not unconditional.
His love for you is not unconditional.
His love for you is not unconditional.
His love for you is not unconditional.
His love for you is not unconditional.




> But I'm not involved with making sure OM is ok who i'd known for most of my life. Who I had always made sure I was there for when something was wrong, in the past. and now I cant. I'm human god damn it. I have to live with it, I know I do. But its not ok to me.


You blew that the moment you went to bed with him.
That was your choice and this is a consequence.


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## EleGirl

TashaB said:


> But I'm not involved with making sure OM is ok who i'd known for most of my life. Who I had always made sure I was there for when something was wrong, in the past. and now I cant. I'm human god damn it. I have to live with it, I know I do. But its not ok to me.


This might seem harsh but it's meant to get through to you... 

Get over yourself already. The OM does not need you to make sure he's ok. Are you telling us that he's such a weakling that he cannot deal with his own problems and get his life back on track? Are you saying that you are the only person who can ever help him? That he cannot lean on his sister and other family and freinds?

Why is it not OK with you that he has to deal with his own life and his own problems like a big boy? Is he not capable of standing on his own two feet?

Remember that the OM did something terrible. He pursued another man's wife and had sex with her. There is a heavy punishment for his actions... it's a natural law punishment. He's a man and he had to deal with his own wrongs.

So get over yourself. He does not need you. He can get over this and find a woman who has the right to love and marry.. and it's not you.


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## Complexity

Tasha is not in love with her husband and she knows this very well. A married woman doesn't confide her marital problems with other men and then sleeps with them. Worst of all a woman in love with her husband doesn't ask him if she could be friends with the guy who screwed his wife. If you weren't so naive you'd know this loser who messes around with married women has a million other people to take care of his "problems", why does it have to be you. You think a friend does this to another friend's marriage?

God, the humiliation your husband must be going through!. Save your husband the continued heart ache and let him find someone that would honour her promises to him. Clearly your friend's feelings supersede your husband's. I don't know for the life in me how he is still married to you. Poor guy.


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## warlock07

> "OM and I used to talk about being together during those 6 months"


I think the OM was a sample run. Obviously Tasha led him on but he failed to measure up to her husband in her eyes(financially, stability, lifestyle etc). So she dumped him. Now she is feeling guilty for leading him on and using him. Thus wants to make amends. Just my 2 cents


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## Tap1214

You're right on, Warlock!


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## johniori1

Your friend needs to be a past memory. He does not need a second chance he needs to be gone from your life forever. You cannot ever have it both ways. The fact that you have not told your husband speaks volumes. I am trying R with my wife though I have started the paperwork for D and it is on hold. If I found out that my WS had contact with the OM it would be over. I am at the point where I am giving her a chance and in my frame of mind this would be a deal breaker. Your husband needs to know the whole truth so he can make a choice.


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## Jellybeans

My brain is too fried to respond as I normally would but the thing is the OP had a long emotional affair with this guy. Minimum, 6 months.

I don't believe *in any way/shape or form* that the OP had NO clue this guy "friend" didn't have feelings for her prior to his confession. In a 20 year friendship? No way. I say this as someone who lived a through a similar situation one some points: the good friend, the ILY confession, the ring, the betrayal/cheating. I knew there was an emotional attachment prior to him telling me ILY and I knew it for a long time. Therefore, I think there is still a lot more to this story than she has told and the OP has bigger issues than she thinks if she can't see why it was stupid/disrepectful/bunk and just plain idiotic to ask her husband if she could be friends with the man she f-cked behind his back. It's ridiculous. And not only is it ridiculous but it's insulting to her husband. It's shameless. 

That whole line about _"I want hi_m (the husband) _to trust *us*_ (meaning, the OP & the "best friend")" is just... there aren't any words to properly describe what a slap in the face that is to her husband.

If she claims she cannot see that for what it is, then she has bigger issues.

OP--my advice to you is to completely and forever cut off contact with OM. Forever. Forever ever (like that Outkast song says). No contact. Honor your husband, apologize, make amends and suggest marriage counselling. Ask him what you can do to atone for this and make things better and heed his words. Right now he has *got* to think you couldn't truly love him if you had the audacity to ask if you could be friends with the guy you cheated on him with, the guy you betrayed your marriage with, after the fact. No man in his right mind would think that you were sincere and loved him if you could ask such a ridiculous thing. 

Right now, the ball is completely in your husband's court. He is the one who gets to decide how to proceed. Don't push him. If he wants out eventually, then you will need to let him go. Respect his space if he wants it and if you truly want your marriage, acknowledge what idiotic request you made to him and try to right this. It's going to take a lot. Because as someone else said: he probably was still recovering from your emotional and physical affair when all of a sudden, you came back to rip the bandage off and pour some acid on it. 

Good luck.


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## StrangerThanFiction

calif_hope said:


> Don't know, sometimes fact is stranger than fiction


I like the way you think brother.


TashaB, I think what you really want is a fool-proof way to keep your husband from leaving while at the same time reliving the good feeling you had for your former “best-friend” while you were in the middle of an emotional affair with him. 

If you’re able to get past that selfish outlook and see things from your husband’s perspective, here are the points that you need to convince him of in my opinion.

1.	I was INCREDIBLY out of line to ask you if I could ever be friends with that guy again, considering our history and what I put you through. I’m SO sorry that I asked that, it was so inappropriate, please forgive me.
2.	I never want to speak to him again, and I’ll gladly file a restraining order against him so he will stop bothering me. Will you help me with this?
3.	I know it looks extremely suspicious that the other man showed up outside our house hours after I asked you if we could be “friends” again. I know it is hard to believe, but we were not conspiring behind your back and I have not been in contact with him since xx/yy/zz date. There is NOTHING I want more right now than your trust and I am willing to take a polygraph where you can ask me ANYTHING you like.
4.	It was a HUGE mistake to try to convince you to not call the police when he showed up outside our home. I regret that decision immensely and I know it added more hurt and distrust.

Of course, if you need to lie to tell him these things then please don’t waste his time, and grow up a little before you marry again.


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## Initfortheduration

She's not getting the absolution she was seeking. I don't think she will be back. I mean her actually saying that her husband "is rebuilding trust in her" and in the same post she tells us that she is in contact with the POSOM, without telling her husband. And all she talks about is "her best friend". In fact I will bet, that they are back undercover and hiding their contact from her husband. She's gone.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

FTR... Toe tag this marriage.

The official time of death was when you asked him to let you be friends with the guy you f*cked, and he showed up moments later with a ring.

Done. Flatlined. All thats left is to wait for the stink as it rots.

JMHO.


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## OOE

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> FTR... Toe tag this marriage.
> 
> The official time of death was when you asked him to let you be friends with the guy you f*cked, and he showed up moments later with a ring.
> 
> Done. Flatlined. All thats left is to wait for the stink as it rots.


I could say more, but I couldn't say it better.


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## Jellybeans

What does "FTR" mean?


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## Atholk

The OM's plan is simple. Get Tasha to commit enough infractions in her marriage to have her husband divorce her. Then OM will have her to himself.

Without a united front of Tasha and her husband dealing with the OM as a stalker/predator, the OM's plan will succeed because he is the most aggressive of the two men.


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## F-102

TashaB has to face the facts: her life was fine until the old BFF confessed his love to her. Now she is probably thinking "If only he would have told me this BEFORE I got married, we'd be together". And she now has the toxic idea in her head that there is indeed life outside of the marriage that she had to settle for, and she knows that other men find her attractive and will fight for her. Even if she never talks to the BFF again, she knows that she can find a better catch.

This marriage is over.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Jellybeans said:


> What does "FTR" mean?


For the record.


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## dymo

TashaB said:


> Thank you very much for sharing this as it is exactly how I feel. I don't want to have sex with OM again, I wanted my friendship with OM back and that's what I miss. AND yes, I did choose my husband, which is the reason I confessed to him. I love him.


Although I understand your feelings, other people here do have a point in that the more you think about OM, the more damage it does. Every time your husband senses that you are thinking about OM, it is a setback. Don't let him take up any more space in your brain.


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## snap

I can't help the feeling that we don't get the whole story here.

She talks to her husband about her "friend", while the friend waits for her on the porch. Coincidences do happen, but the context and timing makes me kind of suspicious.


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## Jellybeans

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> For the record.


Thanks




snap said:


> I can't help the feeling that we don't get the whole story here.


I have been saying that from the beginning of this post. There is a LOT left out.

Anyway the OP hasn't been back. Maybe we ran her off.


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## Dadof3

Yea, I think she's feeling pretty beat up here.


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## akira1

Either her boundaries are still very low, and/or her priorities are still very unhealthy for her M.


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## Tap1214

I have a feeling she went back to her other thread she started titled:
Can guys have a platonic friendship with a woman? (The Men's Clubhouse forum)

I don't know about this TashaB ...I have a feeling she's doing all this for attention ....Hmmm


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## calif_hope

Since TashaB didn't find any support for her deep desire to rekindle a relationship with her BFF/AP with her husbands loving understanding and support.....she is gone bye bye to her foggy fantasy land.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NaturalHeart

calif_hope said:


> Since TashaB didn't find any support for her deep desire to rekindle a relationship with her BFF/AP with her husbands loving understanding and support.....she is gone bye bye to her foggy fantasy land.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Truth spoken


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## Dexter Morgan

TashaB said:


> I cant believe this just happened to me but... Best friend had been blowing up my phone but I ignored it because H was due home soon and I wanted to talk to him. H came home and I said "we need to talk. I saw "best friends name." H just looked at me. So I said "he said he's sorry." then i didn't say anything because H just kept looking at me.
> 
> Then H said "you want to be with him?" and I said "no I love you and I don't want anyone else." H looked relieved. Then i told him "but I want to ask you something. do you trust me?"
> H - no, it's getting there
> Me - well he said sorry and he wants to be best friends again. you know I haven't seen him in over a year. Do you think we could try that? Is that ok with you?
> H - hell no it ain't ok with me
> Me - are you mad at me for asking?
> H - no because you forgive people, you always give people another chance. But you have to understand that you cant have us both in your life anymore. It's either one or the other. And I know you want to give him another chance but you cant or we're done.


Good for him. I wouldn't put up with it either.




> Thats when i told my H that I wont have him back in my life. Then I promised. That i was going to tell him no and it would be over, I wouldn't talk to him again. God I cant believe this happened to me


Can't believe what? That your H has given you a 2nd chance?

Or that you are feeling sorry for yourself because you can't have your other man in your life any more?

Don't play the poor me routine. You cheated and was given a 2nd chance. You should be relieved. Not many men would stay with someone that had sex with someone else behind their back.

Losing contact with this other guy is a small price to pay, especially for a forgiving man as your husband.




> ... I went out on our back deck to get some fresh air while i called my best friend. But then he scared the hell out of me by walking up to me. I hadn't known he was there.
> 
> I told my best friend no that it wont work out but he just said it's ok. That I could leave and live with him. Then he said that he was in love with me. I was going to say no again when he pulled out a ring. A f**king ring!! WTH!!??! He said will you marry me? right on my back porch. I yelled no. I didn't mean to yell, its quite late here, but he wasn't listening, and H ran outside and punched him. I started crying and H grabbed me and went back into the house. *H was going to call the cops but I asked him not to*.


Protecting the OM. Geez. Surprised your H didn't ask you to leave after knowing you are wanting to protect him.




> I cant believe this just happened to me, it's been a long day.


Nothing is happening to you. You made this bed. If anything is just happening to anyone, its happening to your husband.


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## Dexter Morgan

TashaB said:


> No my life isn't usually filled with drama. And I don't see how it was disrespectful to ask my H? We talk about everything, its part of us working on trust. But my H said no and I respect his wishes. How is that disrespectful?


For even wanting to stay in contact with a man you screwed behind his back in the first place.

Tell you what, let your H go out and have a great time with another women, and see if you are pissed if he wants to still be able to see her once in a while.

I can't believe you even have to ask why it is disrespectful to ask if you can still see this other guy once in a while and still be in contact.

IF I were to stay with a cheater, which I wouldn't, if she asked if she could still be in contact with the guy she spread em for behind my back, I'd show her the door.


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## Dexter Morgan

TashaB said:


> I chose my husband. But should I not be concerned for OM when he is clearly not ok? Should I be ok with letting him fend off his own problems? I cant be there and I wont be, I know that now. But does that mean I should be ok with it?
> 
> I am concerned about how my husband is dealing with all of this and my marriage which is why we are in MC. I'm already doing what I can to take care of my husband and my marriage.
> 
> But I'm not involved with making sure OM is ok who i'd known for most of my life. Who I had always made sure I was there for when something was wrong, in the past. and now I cant. I'm human god damn it. I have to live with it, I know I do. But its not ok to me.


*sigh* :slap:

You know what, just do your H a favor and set him free.


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## CH

calif_hope said:


> Since TashaB didn't find any support for her deep desire to rekindle a relationship with her BFF/AP with her husbands loving understanding and support.....she is gone bye bye to her foggy fantasy land.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, she posted in the The men's clubhouse section asking if it's possible to have a friend of the opposite sex if it's truly platonic only. She didn't mention that she had already slept with the friend in that post. Got called out on it and promptly stopped posting there also.

So, yeah she's gone for good this time, probably hitting another site to give her the validation she needs to make her husband see that she deserves to have the OM as a friend still.


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## Dexter Morgan

calif_hope said:


> Since TashaB didn't find any support for her deep desire to rekindle a relationship with her BFF/AP with her husbands loving understanding and support.....she is gone bye bye to her foggy fantasy land.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How does that saying go? Something about a door and ass?


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## mr.miketastic

Dexter Morgan said:


> How does that saying go? Something about a door and ass?


Don't let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya.


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## Dexter Morgan

mr.miketastic said:


> Don't let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya.


LOL, I know. Was saying it in my own way.


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## Tap1214

Ok boys, here's another way of sayin' ..

Don't let the door hit you on the way out!


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## TashaB

I started to post whats been going on here and to ask what your advice is but then it made me feel like maybe I should omit the parts you may not believe. But then if you don't know the whole story then how can you help? So i decided to post nothing. 

I considered posting the police report #'s because anyone could look it up but then you all would know my husband and I's identity and not even my mother or any other family members know what's going on here. If I thought posting here would help with my issues and help my marriage, I would post but I don't feel that way. 

So instead I'm saying good bye. For all of you who gave there time thank you. To everyone who gave there advice I really appreciate it, I really do and I still read over some of them. Thank you and good-bye.


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## Almostrecovered

tease


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## Dexter Morgan

TashaB said:


> I considered posting the police report #'s because anyone could look it up but then you all would know my husband and I's identity and not even my mother or any other family members know what's going on here. If I thought posting here would help with my issues and help my marriage, I would post but I don't feel that way.


Thats because you don't like what you are hearing. You are hearing that it is disrespectful to your husband to have any kind of ongoing contact with a guy you had sex with behind his back.

The only thing you want us to say is that you should be allowed to still be in contact with him.

So sure, go ahead, tell your husband you want to still be friends with this guy and see how that works for ya.


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## Entropy3000

Eyes

"Every﻿ form of refuge has its price"


----------



## TBT

Just heard The Eagles doing this yesterday and had the same thought!


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## working_together

Wow, that was sudden....


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## Darth Vader

Dexter Morgan said:


> Thats because you don't like what you are hearing. You are hearing that it is disrespectful to your husband to have any kind of ongoing contact with a guy you had sex with behind his back.
> 
> The only thing you want us to say is that you should be allowed to still be in contact with him.
> 
> So sure, go ahead, tell your husband you want to still be friends with this guy and see how that works for ya.


Agreed, she's playing a mental Bull**** mindgame! Well, good ridence! Hope her husband wakes up and drops her ass!


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