# Husband let himself GO



## GiveMeHope (May 22, 2016)

Hi, everyone. I'm new here. 
What I'm going to ask will probably offend some people. So, my apologies in advance. 
My husband and I have only been married for 2 years. When we got married, he took exceptionally good care of himself. Good hygiene, exercised, ate healthy. I, myself, work really hard to stay fit and healthy, as well as physically attractive. 
Fast forward 2 years and our second pregnancy together and we have a MAJOR problem. In the last (approx) 6 months or so, he's completely let himself go. Quit exercising and eating healthy. Gained at least 30-40 lbs, quit practicing great hygiene, quit getting rid of his thick back hair, quit taking care of his severely acne prone skin. Now he has a huge hit that hangs, man tits, zits EVERYWHERE, and he usually smells.
I have NOT let myself go. Being pregnant, I have worked extra hard to maintain myself, in hopes that he would return the effort. He still expects me to want to have sex all the time. I usually have a very high sex drive, but I can't stand to look at him naked anymore. I've blamed it on stress and pregnancy, but I don't even want to kiss him anymore. He's becoming extremely frustrated and has began asking why I don't want sex anymore. 
I try to do it at least once a week. Otherwise, he gets grouchy. 
He's got very thin skin and is easily hurt. So, I don't know how to approach this honestly and not totally crush him. I do not want to hurt his feelings. I do however feel that it is simple respect for one's partner to maintain some level of attractiveness.
Thoughts?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You need to communicate that to him. It will then be up to him what he wants to do about it.

It will hurt, sure. But not nearly as much as your marriage ending because he won't take care of himself.



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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Honesty is best in this case. Don't be a jerk but let him know. Tell him, "babe you really need to start taking care of yourself like the person I married". "It bothers me that you've gained so much weight and don't seem to care about your hygiene" Can you two both go to the gym together or go for walks, etc? 

As for the acne is this new or prolonged thing since he gained weight (ie, diet related)? He should go to a derm while working to get back to being healthy. Buy some acne soap/salicylic acid and place it at the sinks so it's used when he washes his face. Get after him to take two showers a day so he doesn't stink. Buy him cologne and if he doesn't normally use it, spray it on him every morning. Start building habits to give him hints.

Pretty common when newly married and kids for people to gain weight but if it's repulsing you from him you need to REALLY get through to him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Yep I agree tell him he let himself go. 

I don't get how people men or women can let themselves go and be surprised when their partner don't want sex with them!


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Even though it's hurtful to hear your partner say that you are unattractive, it can be helpful.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Be honest ans tell him.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I would like my husband to tell me if he found me unattractive. 
Yes I'm sensitive & would probably cry loads, but would rather his honesty than him finding me unattractive (that hurts more). 
Sometimes we get lazy in marriage & need a kick in the butt to remind us to look after ourselves! 

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## GiveMeHope (May 22, 2016)

Wow! You all are really great people. I was so nervous to check the replies, scared I was going to get attacked with: "looks shouldn't matter" type comments. 
Well, you all made this pregnant lady cry with your positive helpfulness. Seriously. Almost sobbing ? So, thank you all so much. 
There's no one to talk about these things with. People get all huffy with a "(gasp) that's so shallow". But really...it's how people are made! I didn't marry a slob. It's not fair.
Like one person said, I don't understand how people can let themselves go and then expect their spouse to not notice, and still want sex constantly. Sure, marriage, kids, career, etc., can warrant some let-downs in the looks department. Shoot, I'm 25 weeks pregnant. I'm sure some men would find that repulsive. 
But I still try and do the things I can do. 
So it looks like the consensus is be honest. Simple and short and to the point. I suppose the best theory to apply is: not what you say, but HOW you say it? 
Thanks again. Agh the relief! I could kiss all your faces!


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

As a workout fanatic myself, no way I'd find what he's doing acceptable.

Regarding the severe acne, does he have health insurance? I've had both of my kids on accutane, which totally eradicates acne for good in a 5-6 month treatment (well, some people might need a follow up course if it comes back).

I wish he knew how what he's doing could have severe impact on his marriage. You are very wise to nip this in the bud so early on.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

GiveMeHope said:


> Wow! You all are really great people. I was so nervous to check the replies, scared I was going to get attacked with: "looks shouldn't matter" type comments.
> Well, you all made this pregnant lady cry with your positive helpfulness. Seriously. Almost sobbing ? So, thank you all so much.
> There's no one to talk about these things with. People get all huffy with a "(gasp) that's so shallow". But really...it's how people are made! I didn't marry a slob. It's not fair.
> Like one person said, I don't understand how people can let themselves go and then expect their spouse to not notice, and still want sex constantly. Sure, marriage, kids, career, etc., can warrant some let-downs in the looks department. Shoot, I'm 25 weeks pregnant. I'm sure some men would find that repulsive.
> ...


There's a big difference between "he/she gained a few pounds" and "he/she no longer practices good hygiene (and has gained a few pounds)" I think if you were to come here saying only the former, you may have got a few less-than-kind replies 

It's the combination of all the things you said that concerns me. My guess is there's some depression going on here. People can easily gain some weight over the years, but combine that with generally not taking care of himself - that's something else entirely.

I'd start by talking to him about his mental well-being before you get into the "you've let yourself go" speech.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

The fact that it happened within the time span of only a few months makes me wonder if there's something underlying it that he hasn't felt able to talk about. For example, he might be worried about money with another child on the way. He may have let his gym membership lapse and stopped buying acne medication to try to save money. Or maybe he's feeling some depression about something else, like maybe upheaval at his job, and he has been keeping it from you so as not to stress you out during your pregnancy.

You may also have gotten into a vicious circle, where the sex slowed down a bit (maybe pregnancy related) and then he felt that why should he do all this work to stay sexy when it has slowed down, and then you wanted sex less, so he felt even less interested in putting in effort, etc.

But yeah, you need to just ask him honestly but gently what the heck happened? Because you're right, the person you chose to marry wasn't a slob then, and you need to know which is the real him and if you married the lie.


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## wolf larson (Jul 28, 2014)

30-40lbs in 6 months doesn't sound like to me a case of slacking off. There may be a major medical issue driving this. I say get him to a doctor and have home evaluated. Don't overlook depression and possible self medication. That's a lot of change in a really short time frame...something else is going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

GMH-
Gaining 40 lbs in 6 months or so and abandoning fitness and hygiene routines is a red flag that needs to be looked into. Either he has become so comfortable with married life that he has let himself go or something is going on with him. If you look at your relationship as it was when you got married and compare it to your relationship when he started gaining weight, how was it different? Is it possible that he is feeling left out or lonely as you are coping with one child and another pregnancy? His changes seem to coincide closely with the beginning of your second pregnancy. Could that be a factor? Does he have a lot of stress at work? Is he the sole provider? Is he feeling the pressure to provide for his family? The sudden changes could likely be related to a depression resulting from one of the items mentioned.

That being said, the issue does need to be addressed. At this point, telling him he is fat and repulsive is probably not going to get you very far. I might sit down with him and ask what is bothering him. Tell him you have noticed the changes you have mentioned and you are worried that something is wrong and you want to help him address whatever it is that is bothering him. Ask him if he is depressed and why he thinks he is and what he thinks is causing it. He may need a trip to the doctor to get evaluated and to get a treatment plan. Let him know you want to help him get back on track. If he is depressed, good food and exercise will help elevate his mood and you can lead him in the right direction there. As he starts to feel better, he will regain his hygiene routine.

I think this situation is less about what he is eating and more about what is eating him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that this needs to be addressed directly, but I also agree that this is a lot of change in a short amount of time so something else is going on with him. 

Address it but do so lovingly. Tell him that you've noticed that he doesn't seem to be feeling well and isn't taking care of himself and ask what's going on. You might have to let him pout initially, but maybe he'll think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GiveMeHope (May 22, 2016)

I have tried really hard to discretely let him know, while simultaneously making it easier for him to be back on the healthy track and clean. 
I cook healthy meals, he eats it, then ravages the kids' snacks. I've asked him to exercise with me, he says no and then gives me the silent treatment. I will do my strength training and then leave my weight set out, hoping he will take initiative. A few days ago, I showed him our wedding pictures and complimented him on how handsome he was in those pictures. 
He said "well maybe one day when I don't work constantly and have needy kids, I can work out again." That's a bull**** excuse. Info those same things and STILL work out 5 days a week.
He used to go to the dermatologist every 6 weeks and was on several medications for acne and psoriasis. He quit going, so, I offered to make him an appointment somewhere else if he didn't like it there. He said "no I'll go back soon". I've bought acne wash, and he doesn't use it. We he gets home from work I've told him to go relax and take a shower (which is what he used to do everyday after work.) Instead, he sits in his recliner, stinking up the room with his feet, while eating Fritos and playing on his phone. 
Someone mentioned depression. I think that could very well be possible. He's always been a social drinker, but has began drinking a large cup of liquor every single night. He will take all my Valium if I leave it out. So, I be offered to make him an apt with my dr and he says "no it would be bad for business if someone saw me in a place like THAT."
I've always enjoyed sex. I'm only 29. We should still have a very spicy sex life 2 years into our marriage. It's a very hopeless feeling thinking that I don't have any physical attraction to the one man I'm supposed to desire most.


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## GiveMeHope (May 22, 2016)

I made several typos in that last post. I apologize. But basically, I am very busy too and still manage to care for myself. He doesn't. At all. I want an attractive husband again! Not one that disgusts me. 
I just get physically sick thinking of having to tell him about hisself. Surely, he HAS to know how bad he looks and smells. Does he not care? To me, it feels like disrespect for me. As if he doesn't think I deserve any better than that. I would think that he was trying to run me off if it wasn't for the fact that he's still all over me constantly trying to get some.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Definitely sounds like he has depression. 
In his state at the moment, he doesn't think anything is wrong. 
He could be like this for another 6 months to 1 year. 
Valium & alcohol won't help, will only make him lazier. 
He needs his energy back & something to focus on. 
He'll need a social anxiety antidepressants. 
Give him an ultimatum & tell him he needs to sort himself out or else. 


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## GiveMeHope (May 22, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The fact that it happened within the time span of only a few months makes me wonder if there's something underlying it that he hasn't felt able to talk about.
> 
> But yeah, you need to just ask him honestly but gently what the heck happened? Because you're right, the person you chose to marry wasn't a slob then, and you need to know which is the real him and if you married the lie.





wolf larson said:


> 30-40lbs in 6 months doesn't sound like to me a case of slacking off. There may be a major medical issue driving this. I say get him to a doctor and have home evaluated. Don't overlook depression and possible self medication. That's a lot of change in a really short time frame...something else is going on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Template said:


> GMH-
> Gaining 40 lbs in 6 months or so and abandoning fitness and hygiene routines is a red flag that needs to be looked into. Either he has become so comfortable with married life that he has let himself go or something is going on with him. If you look at your relationship as it was when you got married and compare it to your relationship when he started gaining weight, how was it different? Is it possible that he is feeling left out or lonely as you are coping with one child and another pregnancy? His changes seem to coincide closely with the beginning of your second pregnancy. Could that be a factor? Does he have a lot of stress at work? Is he the sole provider? Is he feeling the pressure to provide for his family? The sudden changes could likely be related to a depression resulting from one of the items mentioned.
> 
> I think this situation is less about what he is eating and more about what is eating him.





lifeistooshort said:


> I agree that this needs to be addressed directly, but I also agree that this is a lot of change in a short amount of time so something else is going on with him.
> 
> Address it but do so lovingly. Tell him that you've noticed that he doesn't seem to be feeling well and isn't taking care of himself and ask what's going on. You might have to let him pout initially, but maybe he'll think about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just realized that I can reply to individual comments. Thank you all so much for the input. 
He has changed jobs and his former business partner is giving him a hard time. I lost childcare for my oldest, so I've had to quit my job. I've been working from home when I can. This hasn't been a problem financially. However, this new baby does mean we will be having to move soon. We also didn't plan this pregnancy and it's been pretty devastating. We both have children from previous marriages, so this is a lot. 
Maybe it is a reaction to all of this. Life is stressful. But isn't it for most people? Maybe I'm being insensitive. I just find it hard to understand completely shutting down and letting yourself go because life happened. Nothing horribly bad has gone wrong. So, maybe he does need some type of medication or therapy. I could probably stand to try harder at talking through things with him as well.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Increased drinking and "taking" all your vellum is a bad sign. Sounds to me like self medication and it's increasing. Have you known him to do other drugs?


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

With the additional info you have provided, your husband is exhibiting many of the symptoms of acute depression. He needs to be in counselling and needs to be under the care if a physician who can prescribe appropriate medication. Asking him to get his act together at this point will not work. That demand is just one more burden added to a load he is already staggering under. I know you are frustrated with what seems to be a weakness on his part but depression can sneak up on anyone. 
You might approach him with concern that he is showing all the symptoms of depression and that is something he cannot handle on his own and he absolutely needs to see his doctor. Tell him you will support him and his treatment plan, but ignoring this is not an option. Be loving but firm. He needs your support now more than ever.


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