# New Girlfriend question...Help.



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

As some of you may know I am divorced and have been out of the dating scene for 25 years. So this is new to me.
Been dating 8 months.
I'm 54 my new GF is soon to be 50. 
I spend yesterday at my house working on things and cooking. Asked her to come to my house for dinner. She said she had already ate.
I asked her if she wanted me to come over after I have dinner she said yes.
I got there at 7pm. After a few mins on the couch she asked "You wanna have sex?" I said Yes.
We went upstairs to her bedroom and had sex for about an hour.
At 8:15 I told her I need to leave to go home I have to get up and go to work at 5am.
She said ok. Then I get 4 unbelievable texts at 3:45 in the morning about How I make her feel like a W*****, because I had sex and left.

How long is exceptable cuddle time after sex? I gave her 20 mins or so. I'm so confused? I really like her a lot!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If she didnt want you to leave yet, she should have spoken up and said so. 

I dont think there IS an "acceptable" cuddle time afterward, what is ok for one isnt for another, of course.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You went to her house?
You need to go home? 

That was worded off.
No problem.

.........................................

Accept this reaction.

You thought one thing, she thought another.
She is entitled to her opinion.
She was hurt, no excuse making will help.

Uh, with that said........

This is her baggage being opened and dumped at your feet.

She is ultra sensitive about these things. Other men, other BF's must have also have pulled this on her.

I would think at minimum, an hour after sex would be OK.

During that hour continue to hold her, kiss her.and say nice things, that should suffice.

Ah, this is not about doing some minimum, or just timing your exit, this is about showing how much you like her, appreciate her.
She gave you her most important possessions, her love and her body.

It is obviously important to her and it is to most quality women. 

As men, we tend to downplay these things. Ladies pay especial attention to them. She felt used.

Apologize and learn from this common mistake made by men.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

If you think sex is likely, just bring your toiletries so you can spend the night. Go straight to work from her place. Then you don't have to worry about things like this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You screwed up dude. 
You could have stayed the night and had second helpings this morning. 
Best way to start the day. Better than cornflakes anyway lol.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Don't freak out, just talk to her about it. Tell her that was not your intention, but I would also emphasize that having sex does make you feel close to her (assuming it's true), and you would in no way just use her to get off. Let her know that you don't take that for granted but you enjoy it because it helps you feel emotionally connected. I would tell her that you understand if she is not feeling as connected and how you would like to also do some things for her that make her feel close to you. Then have some ideas.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Don't freak out, just talk to her about it. Tell her that was not your intention, but *I would also emphasize that having sex does make you feel close to her* (assuming it's true), and you would in no way just use her to get off. Let her know that you don't take that for granted but you enjoy it because it helps you feel emotionally connected. I would tell her that you understand if she is not feeling as connected and how you would like to also do some things for her that make her feel close to you. Then have some ideas.


Yes, it is very intimate and awesome.
I've never really had that before.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> If you think sex is likely, just bring your toiletries so you can spend the night. Go straight to work from her place. Then you don't have to worry about things like this.




I second this!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Yes, it is very intimate and awesome.
> I've never really had that before.


I suggest you tell her that. Emphasize the intimate, feeling very close to her, part not the physical part.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not sure who should have spoken first but......

it would help to tell your partner that you have an early morning and leave your departure time to negotiation .... or not.

I am curious though now 

1. Did you have less of an opinion of her when you left just after recovery time?

2. Did your opinion of her rise after she let you know she didn't like your unilateral decision of an early departure?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm not sure who should have spoken first but......
> 
> it would help to tell your partner that you have an early morning and leave your departure time to negotiation .... or not.
> 
> ...


1. Did you have less of an opinion of her when you left just after recovery time? NO

2. Did your opinion of her rise after she let you know she didn't like your unilateral decision of an early departure? NO It got worse. I'm afraid that long term she might be to neurotic. She's always saying I going to leave her for a skinny girl or a hotter girl. She's quite beautiful. She's not skinny and she looks like she's in her thirties. I'm not too fond of skinny girls.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> 1. Did you have less of an opinion of her when you left just after recovery time? NO
> 
> 2. Did your opinion of her rise after she let you know she didn't like your unilateral decision of an early departure? NO It got worse. I'm afraid that long term she might be to neurotic. She's always saying I going to leave her for a skinny girl or a hotter girl. She's quite beautiful. She's not skinny and she looks like she's in her thirties. I'm not too fond of skinny girls.


Hmmm.....I'm not a skinny girl either, but I would NEVER tell a guy I thought he would leave me for someone skinny. There seems to be some insecurity there. That could get better, or it could be a red flag.

I am a "say what you mean" kind of person, so my gut instinct is that if she didn't want you to leave she should have asked you to stay a bit longer. You shouldn't have to read her mind.

I like sokillme's advice to talk about it, emphasizing the intimacy.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Was it the 20 dollars you left on her bedside table before you left? Apparently, women don't think its as nice a gesture as you or I 🤷‍♂️


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Was it the 20 dollars you left on her bedside table before you left? Apparently, women don't think its as nice a gesture as you or I 🤷‍♂️


LOL....I'm the one who should have got paid, for all the screaming she was doing...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't know about dating, but I'm married to a woman of similar age. Based on her average RTK time (return to kindle) 5 minutes should be plenty. I'll admit though, that I wouldn't be motivated to build a long term relationship with this level of post coital cuddling.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@StillSearching, 

There are two things going on here: 1) You came, had sex, left...and she had an opinion about that, 2) She sent 4 texts at 3:45am pretty upset. She has said things like "you'll leave me for a skinny girl" and/or "How dare you treat me like a *****" ...

As a female of a certain age (I'm 56yo) I can somewhat identify with not feeling like a skinny girl--but after all, I had two children naturally, seven children and step-children whom I raised total, and I've been around the sun a time or two! I have the wrinkles and gray hairs to prove it! LOL The point is that I am shaped like a hobbit, and not everyone is into hobbits...but to some people, hobbits are AWESOME! Hobbits are JUST what they want and just what makes their little heart happy. And thus, I figure I will be with someone who is thrilled with hobbit-esque stature and figure...and not be with someone who wants a skinny girl, because you can accuse me of many things, but being a skinny girl ain't one of 'em! 

So...given that I'm a certain age, and also not a skinny girl, I can sort of see how she might be upset if you came over, had sex, and left. I mean part of the whole picture is that at this certain age, that additional cuddle time is bonding and loving--like you said, intimate. Now, there is no right set amount of time, and I could even see that a red-hot quickie might have a shorter after-time than a nice, long, slow, making love....right? To me, I'd consider if it was mutually pleasurable, and was the leaving unexpected? If you came, came, and left...that would be in poor taste. If you came, both had a good time, and yet she wasn't expecting you to leave and you just got up and left, that could feel a little off-putting. But if a good time was had by all, and ahead of time she knew you'd be leaving and didn't speak up...then there's a problem. 

Next let's look at how she "spoke up." See...she has every right to feel whatever she feels. You can't control that plus it isn't cool to tell her "Oh that's not true"... But in the same sitch (dude's leaving unexpectedly right after sex), a healthy lady might say, "Oh wow, I just want you to know that's not really okay with me. When you come over, have sex, and leave, I feel used and I think you just came over for sex. Is that what you intended? Because if not, could I request that you spend the night, or if that really doesn't work with your schedule, could we talk a bit first to understand this together?" See how healthy would say it's not okay...would share thoughts and feelings, and OWN their own thoughts and feelings...would ask if that was your intention...and would make a request (not a demand)? UNHEALTHY is kind of what she did: she didn't speak up, she didn't share her true feelings, she blameshifted responsibility for her own shame onto you, she didn't ask if that's where your heart was, and she made demands--you had no right to say no! 

In summary, I'd say I get where she came from and I might feel that way too, and yet I'd also say her reaction is a bit of a red flag. People get upset. People get hurt even and mistake intentions. But it's not cool for her to project her insecurity onto you, and to do it at 3:45am means she was likely stewing on it for quite a while and once the stew had bubbled it exploded everywhere. Hmmm...


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

In my opinion, time-frame matters. For those of us not following your life, was this the first time you had sex with her? How often in 8 months have you had sex? How often in 8 months have you told her, I have to leave because I have work in the morning?

My point is, after 8 months I would assume you've had enough sex with her and she knows you well enough to know your schedule that you aren't just giving her a fake excuse about work to get away from her. I can sympathize with you. I had to wake at 5am for work, for many years, and when you get up that early 9pm can be a late night.

The alternative to packing things with you when you go to her house late in the evening is to tell her up front, ok I'll come over to see you but I have to leave by (whatever time) because I have work in the morning. Then she can decide if she still wants to have sex given the time limitations.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You really need to speak with her about it. Just be transparent, and tell her you really like her, and that you're sorry you hurt her feelings. Then ask her if you can stay at her place next time, so you don't have to take off like you did.

Questions like "How long do you want to cuddle?" communicate the wrong message. You're missing the entire point. You're suppose to _want _to stay, your suppose to _want _to cuddle.

Imagine if a woman were to ask "How many times do you want to have sex this week?". While it may seem like a considerate question, it reduces it to a task that's mentally penciled in. If she says "20 minutes", are you going to set a timer and get up once you've put in the requested time span?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

What ever happened to having a drawer?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Was your departing statement "See you next time I need to get laid." ??????????

You need to give that girl some post orgasm attention.

You need to be a better planner. Have your stuff packed in your car always .... just in case you need it.

Pump and run doesn't cut it ..... especially if she is a little insecure.

---------------------------------

Edit: Thick chicks are hot !!!!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

BigToe said:


> In my opinion, time-frame matters. For those of us not following your life, was this the first time you had sex with her? How often in 8 months have you had sex? How often in 8 months have you told her, I have to leave because I have work in the morning?
> 
> *My point is, after 8 months I would assume you've had enough sex with her and she knows you well enough to know your schedule that you aren't just giving her a fake excuse about work to get away from her. I can sympathize with you. I had to wake at 5am for work, for many years, and when you get up that early 9pm can be a late night.*
> 
> The alternative to packing things with you when you go to her house late in the evening is to tell her up front, ok I'll come over to see you but I have to leave by (whatever time) because I have work in the morning. Then she can decide if she still wants to have sex given the time limitations.


Yes.
We have had sex nearly every night in the past 6 months. About 150 times. 
She knows I have to get up early. She knows my schedule. She's the very shy quite type. She never has initiated sex. 
She does not talk to anyone in public unless talked to first.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Was your departing statement "See you next time I need to get laid." ??????????
> 
> You need to give that girl some post orgasm attention.
> 
> ...


LOL no not at all.
I'm very loving to her.
She's a lot insecure.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> What ever happened to having a drawer?


I wear drawers?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

She's about to get a shock. 
I got a call to audition for a very popular, regional country band. 
They play EVERY weekend at festivals and casinos. 
Going down to La. to meet the band and see their show Friday night.
If I take the gig she won't see me much and I'm afraid it will be over......


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I see red flags beginning to expose themselves in this relationship......Eyes wide open from this point forward.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Oh My CONGRATULATIONS! and Good Luck! (Fellow Musician here) 



StillSearching said:


> She's about to get a shock.
> I got a call to audition for a very popular, regional country band.
> They play EVERY weekend at festivals and casinos.
> Going down to La. to meet the band and see their show Friday night.
> ...


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## Kay43 (Jan 4, 2019)

Shoot that’s more than I ever got from stbx. He usually got up went to bathroom and then went to living room and watched tv. Once in a blue moon might get five minutes cuddle, but no talking. It was pretty much wam bam thank you ma’am. You told her you had to go though so you could go to work. It’s not like you just got up and left. Twenty minutes doesn’t sound like much if someone is used to an hour or so though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Yes.
> We have had sex nearly every night in the past 6 months. About 150 times.
> She knows I have to get up early. She knows my schedule. She's the very shy quite type. She never has initiated sex.
> She does not talk to anyone in public unless talked to first.


Well this is weird being that its happened so many times before. Why was she SO upset this time when she knows that is what usually happens?
Just a thought, one night when you meet, how about you do something nice for her that doesn't involve sex. Take her out for a romantic meal or something. 

You say she has never initiated sex yet you had already said that she suggested it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> She's about to get a shock.
> I got a call to audition for a very popular, regional country band.
> They play EVERY weekend at festivals and casinos.
> Going down to La. to meet the band and see their show Friday night.
> ...


So you usually see her every evening. If you are away at weekends that still leaves 4 or 5 evenings. Or maybe you will use this as an excuse to end it.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. I have decided at my age staying on the road with a band on every weekend was too much for my health to endure. I turned them down. 
I changed my thinking, thanks to you guys, and now spend more time with her after sex. Even spent the night with her the other day. Things are better than they were. 
I think most of our issues stem from me being so open, out going and friendly with people, and her being so introverted and shy.
She has only one friend who's the alpha female type and runs her over constantly to boost her own ego. And before me, tried to set up Melissa with these beta males that only she,the alpha chick, would go out with.
Melissa did not like those kinda men. And only dated them for a month or so. 
I want her to get more woman friends to talk to.
I hope works out for us.....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Are you guys at the sleeping over stage? if that is the case invite her to keep a sleep over bag at your place and keep one at her place...


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Considering she made the offer to have sex out of the blue, instead of letting things naturally progress towards the bedroom, and then accuses you of treating her like a ***** because you had to leave after sex to get up early for work. She has some issues. Don't even bother trying to figure her out, move on to someone who has the s**t together more at 50 years of age.

You could tell you that you felt used for stud service. She couldn't be bothered to have dinner with you,but invited you over for a booty call. Which is fine, until she got all crazy about the situation. 

No goods or money were exchanged for sexual favors, so saying **** or cheap, is more accurate than *****. If she is going to get all sanctimonious on you, she should at least use the correct terms.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Do you ever do couple things with her that don't include sex, as in go out on dates, meet her friends, introduce her to your friends, family etc. If not, there's your problem and the reason for her insecurity. When couples don't do couple things, they aren't a couple and she knows this. If you do all those things, her insecurity is probably more about past relationships than you. 

Sit down, outside of the bedroom, and ask her what she needs from you to feel more secure. If you can do it, do it, if not, move on.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

UPDATE: I'm staying longer and WOW!
She is a whole new woman. Sex is over the top great!
I stayed the night a couple of times.
She's always talking about how fat she is?....Like it makes one iota to me...
I'm in heaven!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> Do you ever do couple things with her that don't include sex, as in go out on dates, meet her friends, introduce her to your friends, family etc. If not, there's your problem and the reason for her insecurity. When couples don't do couple things, they aren't a couple and she knows this. If you do all those things, her insecurity is probably more about past relationships than you.
> 
> Sit down, outside of the bedroom, and ask her what she needs from you to feel more secure. If you can do it, do it, if not, move on.


Yes
She does not really like the bars or night life much.
But we go to movies and out to eat.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

I totally 10000000% see her point. She was expecting you to spend the night. You messed up and need to fix it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Talk2Me said:


> I totally 10000000% see her point. She was expecting you to spend the night. You messed up and need to fix it.


Or...

She can communicate what she wants BEFORE she loses her ****.

Mind reading is not a legitimate method of communication. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Yes
> She does not really like the bars or night life much.
> But we go to movies and out to eat.


As long as you're spending time together doing things you both like that doesn't include sex it's all good. Bars and the night life don't appeal to many people after a certain age. Based on your next post it sounds like things are going much better. You've told us how satisfied you are with her, make sure you tell her too. 

Glad things are going better!!!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> UPDATE: I'm staying longer and WOW!
> She is a whole new woman. Sex is over the top great!
> I stayed the night a couple of times.
> She's always talking about how fat she is?....Like it makes one iota to me...
> I'm in heaven!


Yeah, I just saw this thread. I am way busy lately... 

I wondered how long it would take you to figure this out. Frankly, I am a little surprised at you, with the fact that you even had to post about this in the first place... 

Not insulting you or anything, but it was obvious that she wanted you to stay the night from your first post. And further, it should not have taken you 8 months to figure that out, BTW... 

And what are you thinking about taking a "every weekend gig" at your age? When is the last time you did that? Man it is brutal... If you are still working at our age man that is super hard to do. For me with new band, we are looking at 2 nights, just one night per weekend, a month, and only more unless it pays super good, or it is really prestigious... 

Again, I am not fussing at you, but I kind of am. 

BTW, like the JJ Cale song, "Sensitive kind". That is what you have on your hands. I promise, treat her right and she will love you forever...


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