# New and sharing my story



## Clothed-In-Strength (Sep 7, 2012)

My husband left me in May and I still don't know exactly why he abandoned our marriage. We have been married for 11 years and of course, we had our ups and downs just like any other marriage, but never expected him leaving in a million years. Especially, since he was always telling me how much he loved me and would never want to lose me. He refuses to go to marriage counseling and finally began IC a couple of weeks ago. He refuses to meet face to face to discuss anything and his reasons change for why he left as time goes by. Lately, all he tells me that it's him and not me. I begged and pleaded in the beginning and realize that it was the wrong thing to do, but I felt so rejected and desperate at the time. 

I have backed off in the last couple of months and see no change in him. We have discussed divorce and he's all for it. Doesn't seem to bother him at all while I'm dying inside. The thought of divorce threw me into a deep depression for a couple of weeks, but I've finally realized that it would be best for me and my young daughter. I don't want to force anyone to be with me if they don't want to. 

It's been very difficult but I'm getting stronger each day. I just wish I could fast forward my life, and be where I wasn't feeling anymore pain. My mind is working a million miles a minute asking myself why. I lost 15 pounds and I'm small framed, so it's a lot of weight for me. I can't eat or sleep. How long does this usually last?????


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

CiS,

There is no usual, i'm sad to say. Sorry that you find yourself here but you sound like you're handling things particularly well.

Snoop around and read other people's stories. The familiarity of traits, examples and coping mechanisms might offer you some relief. And, of course, feel free to ask any questions. You'll find a lot of friends here willing to answer questions.

Be well.


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## Clothed-In-Strength (Sep 7, 2012)

Orpheus,

Thank you. I'd like to think I'm handling things well, but have my moments at times. I've lurked the forum here and there and must say, that reading everyone's experiences and responses have helped cope. Everyone seems so helpful. Sadly, I've learned that when a spouse abandons their family out of the blue, it's due to an affair. I've been mentally preparing myself for the news. He denies an affair but I've been getting that gut feeling. They say it's never wrong.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

always trust your instincts.

that said, this forum is quick to push the affair button. that's not to say it's wrong. it's a very common and obvious reason for why somebody would just suddenly change and become irreversible. oh look, i'm talking myself out of my point... anyway, i think my point is that "the reason" they take a hike is ultimately not important. they've gone and you have to reframe the thing for yourself.

ugh. spouses.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hi Clothed,

No way of saying how long it takes to "let go", as everyone is different. The ending of a marriage is one of the great stresses life can throw at us, and for me, the recovery process has taken a fair amount of time.

I have a daughter too, so we can't totally erase our husbands from our lives. Believe me, I'd find things easier if I could! It's not much fun having to see him and deal with him constantly.

That said, do what you can to concentrate on your own well-being and that of your child. Find a little something you can do every day that lifts your spirits, even if it's a simple walk in the woods. One day at a time. Hang in there, the hurt will ease.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I agree with the others everyone's "let go" takes different amounts of time... I was like you, got the hit with it pretty much out of the blue- im also very small framed, lost at least 10lbs, was just sick all the time. ExH denied affair until I caught him a couple months later... 

What helped me the most was getting on antidepressant/anxiety meds, going as 180 as you can with having kids, and IC... Are you on any med or have you considered them? Take care of yourself


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The reason the "affair button" gets pushed so quickly is that it's so often accurate.

Is there a posOW in the picture?


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## Clothed-In-Strength (Sep 7, 2012)

I've been trying to do everything that everyone has suggested for a few weeks and it's just so hard. I just can't cope at times and my self-esteem is so low. Everyone says it's not me but I can't do anything but blame myself. Why?


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Some things that have worked for me:
-Go to the gym. (great on the self esteem)
-Stay as busy as possible.
-Work on yourself. I look at it as a positive. My W is fixing me up and making me aware of myself for some lucky lady some day if she doesn't want to work on us ever.
-Read, Read and then read some more. I love to read. It gives me hope and direction.

Those are my biggest things that have helped me. I kept a lot busier the first 5 or 6 weeks, but now I really enjoy down time. Find a way to be comfortable just being by yourself. I always struggled with that, but now I seem to really enjoy it.


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## Clothed-In-Strength (Sep 7, 2012)

I've been keeping myself busy and went completely dark after having my attorney file. 

I get a text from H after a few days of NC asking if I really filed. I affirmed and he couldn't believe it. 

I don't get it. That's all we've been talking about lately...divorce. 

I can't take all these mixed signals. He is the one that left and doesn't want to fix things. Now, he can't believe I'm filing? I'm going to go insane. Ugh!!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Your husband is absolutely right. It's not you, it's him. He was hoping you'd always be his plan B if whatever his plan A didn't work out. There is something missing inside him and he's trying to find it. It's obviously still eluding him and that's why he's concerned you're filing for D. 

Keep working on you. You need to learn to be happy with yourself because when you do that, you can be happy with anyone.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Clothed-In-Strength said:


> I've been keeping myself busy and went completely dark after having my attorney file.
> 
> I get a text from H after a few days of NC asking if I really filed. I affirmed and he couldn't believe it.
> 
> ...


 

I hope I am wrong, but my guess is he met someone and you are the backup plan. He assumed you would not file. Now get ready for him to talk you into holding off on the papers, while he "finds himself". Don't fall for it.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Mine is doing the exact same thing. When I was ready to file last week, he said he wanted to find other ways, but he didn't actually do anything about that. I finally asked today if he was really going to find other ways or if I should call the attorney. He actually asked what I wanted to do! I was like, are you kidding me?!? I told him I didn't want to divorce but since he is not coming back home to work on things, I see no other option. No one thinks he has posOW and I haven't found any concrete evidence of it. I found a cell phone number on his bill that is a woman, just 2 short calls and I've scoped her out but no sign that he's seeing her. 

I feel the same way you do, it truly is enough to make a person crazy. Did you actually file then, clothed? I'm trying to work up to it. I want to but can't seem to pull the trigger. Every time I go to make the call, I break down sobbing and can't do it.


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## Clothed-In-Strength (Sep 7, 2012)

It's all so depressing. Why do we all have to endure so much pain while our spouses are out there with their OW/OM??? 

When I read some of these threads and posts, they all seem to mirror my situation and all the emotion are the same. 

I'm so emotionally exhausted from all of this.


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## Clothed-In-Strength (Sep 7, 2012)

Still...yes, I finally got the courage to file and believe me, it wasn't easy. 

I've been sobbing like a baby ever since but know that I can't be treated this way anymore and need to learn to love myself again. 

Self-respect and self-worth is what I'm trying to concentrate on because I've gotten lost since April. 

Hang in there Still...I know your pain. We have to motivate each other.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Yes, please do help motivate me. My head knows it's the right move but my heart still hasn't gotten the message. I know he is no good for me and I need to move on. Why does my heart keep stopping me? I have moments of clarity where I know he can never come back, but those are followed by moments of sobbing and feeling like the pain will never go away. I think more than anything, it's the idea that I will now have to share my kids. My STBXH and I both grew up with stepparents, and I thought the one thing we agreed on was never to do that to our kids. Now he has thrown it all away and that's exactly what will happen to them, and I guess I feel duped in a way. Deep down, I know that he will be the one left with nothing and living with regret one day, but that doesn't help the pain much now.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

CIS and SR, 
You are both obviously women with tender hearts and who love deeply. I feel so badly for both of you. This is a very dark and difficult time for both of you. But please understand that once you get through this divorce process you are now free to find someone who deserves your love. Please try to figure out what attracted you to these men in the first place. It may help you with the vetting process for the next and LAST man in your lives. You CAN find someone deserving of the deep love you both seem to be able to offer.

God bless.


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## Clothed-In-Strength (Sep 7, 2012)

Awww, thanks for the kind words Sandc!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Encouragement was supposed to be one of my spiritual gifts. Hope you have a great day today.


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## Clothed-In-Strength (Sep 7, 2012)

So, I don't acknowledge his texts all week and STXH makes it known that he isn't happy about me ignoring him. He tells me that he thinks I am rushing into D. WTF?? Meanwhile, he told me about talking to some woman he met but doesn't think it will go anywhere. Please!!! I can't get divorced soon enough!!!


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