# Want to feel sexy again.



## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

I've been married for 4 years and we dated for 3 years. The first 2.5 years of dating, we had an amazing sex life. I felt very sexy. He enjoyed watching me masturbate and I would even make videos of myself and we would have sex while he would be watching the video. We had sex at least once a day, often more.

Eventually the amount of sex died down. I started noticing that it was always me that was the "initiator". I always and still do to this day, tell him that my fantasy is for him to be the "dominant" one, I want him to just grab me and decide its time to have sex. Like sling me around and be the one in control. Every time I bring that up, he says he doesnt want to have sex with me if i dont want it. But I always tell him that even if I wasnt in the mood, that if he did that then I would be in the mood. 

Back to the main topic, even before we got married our sex life drastically dropped. We used to joke that before we got married we would not have sex for one month prior to wedding so on our honeymoon we would want it really bad. Back in the day, that seemed impossible! But by the time we did get married, we were already not having sex months at a time. 

So, now, in the present state. We have sex about once a month. I am in my 20's, I'm a runner and I know that men find me sexy. If i wear skimpy or sexy clothes around the house, my husband doesn't even care. The only way these days to turn him on is by oral. When sex is initiated, he just lays on his back and asks me to give him oral so he can be "ready". I just wish that he was turned on just by looking at me. Or by me masturbating, (which he doesn't like if i do that anymore). Or by him initiating foreplay on me. I just want to feel sexy again. In a selfish way I feel like my body is being "wasted". I would do anything with this man sexually and he doesn't even want it. 

I do talk to him about it. I tell him that because he doesn't touch me that it makes me feel like he thinks im gross or unattractive. I tell him that I feel like i initiate everything and I tell him that I wish he would do more with me. I really miss the kissing, caressing, rubbing .... so frustrated!! I do all that for him! I know he likes it when I pay attention to him in such detail but why cant i get that back in return? Need help!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So how does he respond when you tell him how you feel?

C


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What is his response when you tell him what you need and want from him?

Your husband has some problems!
1. Testosterone problem 
2. Porn abuse
3. Affair
4. He's just not a very sexual guy and never will be.

Could be any one of the above. Start with number 1 and continue to weed out until you reach number 4. Once you reach number 4 your choice is to live a sexless, romance less, passionless life, or get out while the getting is good!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And you're in your 20's... How old is he?

C


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Is he on any medications? Does he bore easily? ADHD or anything like that?


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Sometimes he says he thinks something is wrong with him in the regard. Occasionally he will go limp during sex and I tell him its OK. That stuff like that just happens. He said he just sometimes thinks about it too much like it's anxiety. Everytime I mention my needs he always says he will do better. Sometimes I notice an effort but it's pitiful and short lived. He is 32. He doesn't take meds. He works out and stays in shape.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Is he on any medications? Does he bore easily? ADHD or anything like that?


He is very laid back and easy to please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can you persuade him to go in for a medical, including testosterone checking?

At 32, with a willing wife, daily or more sex would have been GREAT! Hell, even at 46, daily is good! Something's not right, but you may have to push him out of his comfort zone to find out what it is.

C


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

OMG, with a wife like you, he must have some kind of issue like Anon Pink suggested. My gut is low testosterone, or porn. I admire and am sincerely jealous of all you do for him. I can only wish my wife was as open and willing as you are. 

Tell him how important it is to get a good physical with blood work that includes testosterone levels. His actions are not "normal" for his age. 

Damn, what a lucky guy to have you as his wife!!!!!!!!!! Let us know how things turn out.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

How old is he? I would look into low testosterone levels (my husband is low T) or porn use.

I wouldn't let him just lay back and you've got up get him hard with oral just so you can have sex - he's got to come to the party too. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Does he suffer from depression - is he on antidepressants?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your input. At least I know this isn't normal because I've been trying to tell myself that it was for the last 4 years. I keep trying to accept it but it's very difficult!! I know that its not porn or an affair. In fact, I would be thrilled if I found out he was looking at porn or even looking at another chic! Because I'd be happy that sex actually interests him! He just doesn't seem to care about any of it! I'll mess with him sometimes and pull up a porn video (because this used to work) to see if I could spark some interest in him... But nothing. He just says for me to stop looking at it.

I think it must be the testosterone. I'm definitely going to bring it up. He works at a doctors office so maybe he can get checked there. And no, he isnt depressed at all. I'd be so happy if there is a cure!!! Not sure what I'll do next though if that doesn't fix it! 

I'll let ya know how it goes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tinybuddha58 said:


> Thanks everyone for your input. At least I know this isn't normal because I've been trying to tell myself that it was for the last 4 years. I keep trying to accept it but it's very difficult!! I know that its not porn or an affair. In fact, I would be thrilled if I found out he was looking at porn or even looking at another chic! Because I'd be happy that sex actually interests him! He just doesn't seem to care about any of it! I'll mess with him sometimes and pull up a porn video (because this used to work) to see if I could spark some interest in him... But nothing. He just says for me to stop looking at it.
> 
> I think it must be the testosterone. I'm definitely going to bring it up. He works at a doctors office so maybe he can get checked there. And no, he isnt depressed at all. I'd be so happy if there is a cure!!! Not sure what I'll do next though if that doesn't fix it!
> 
> ...



If you are certain it's not porn, and equally certain he isn't having an affair that leaves only two potential culprits. One can be cure by seeing an endocrinologist, the other can not be cured at all.

Crossing my fingers you find something off on the blood work.

BTW, he needs to see his primary care and he needs to come clean with his doc regarding lack of sex drive and ED. So go with him! No man can easily admit the extent of their sexual dysfunction. You have to make him see and agree that his lack of sex drive IS A PROBLEM.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

FizzBomb said:


> How old is he? I would look into low testosterone levels (my husband is low T) or porn use.
> 
> 
> I wouldn't let him just lay back and you've got up get him hard with oral just so you can have sex - he's got to come to the party too. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_e is 32. Yes I tell him often that I don't like to always have to make him hard. I trek him he should help me out sometimes. It's like he doesn't get it because I'm a girl and I don't need to be "hard" to have sex so why does he need to do anything for me? Ugh


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tinybuddha58 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_e is 32. Yes I tell him often that I don't like to always have to make him hard. I trek him he should help me out sometimes. It's like he doesn't get it because I'm a girl and I don't need to be "hard" to have sex so why does he need to do anything for me? Ugh


Ugh is right! So on top of not having a sex drive, he is a lazy and selfish lover to boot! Sounds like your husband has no idea what women are all about.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I've been married for 4 years and we dated for 3 years. The first 2.5 years of dating, we had an amazing sex life. I felt very sexy. He enjoyed watching me masturbate and I would even make videos of myself and we would have sex while he would be watching the video. We had sex at least once a day, often more.
> 
> Eventually the amount of sex died down. I started noticing that it was always me that was the "initiator". I always and still do to this day, tell him that my fantasy is for him to be the "dominant" one, I want him to just grab me and decide its time to have sex. Like sling me around and be the one in control. Every time I bring that up, he says he doesnt want to have sex with me if i dont want it. But I always tell him that even if I wasnt in the mood, that if he did that then I would be in the mood.
> 
> ...



Wow Tiny, you sure we are not married to the same person? My wife is almost exactly as you describe. At least she has been for several months now. There is no fire or strong emotion from her towards me. She is happy just going through the motions and I am so despitately in need of much more. I feel alone on the inside and I want more than just her physical touch. I need to feel her desire and passion for me to even be arroused and excited. I so feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through. It does not seem to matter how hard i try or how much effort I put it I cant seem to get her to understand. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

I can only hope its the Low T. It would kinda be funny if it is, because I take medicine because I have high T. little ironic.

When would be the best time to talk about it? Would it just be randomly when we are together. or would it be better to bring it up right before or after sex? 

One thing I am worried about is I don't want him to feel so bad about it. Because what if he cant fix it? I don't want him to feel pressured all of the time and feel less than. And I don't want him faking it either. So I'm sort of stuck in the middle. 

Any suggestions?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tell him you read an article that the medicine you take to lower your T might somehow be affecting his.

Tell him you read an article about the alarming incidence of low t among men who ...xyz...and you want him to get a thorough check up with blood work since he seems to be exhibiting some of the symptoms of low t.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I've been married for 4 years and we dated for 3 years. The first 2.5 years of dating, we had an amazing sex life. I felt very sexy. He enjoyed watching me masturbate and I would even make videos of myself and we would have sex while he would be watching the video. We had sex at least once a day, often more.
> 
> Eventually the amount of sex died down. I started noticing that it was always me that was the "initiator". I always and still do to this day, tell him that my fantasy is for him to be the "dominant" one, I want him to just grab me and decide its time to have sex. Like sling me around and be the one in control. Every time I bring that up, he says he doesnt want to have sex with me if i dont want it. But I always tell him that even if I wasnt in the mood, that if he did that then I would be in the mood.
> 
> ...



You masturbated and made vids for your hubby? WOW. Talk to my wife PLEASE!!!

It sounds like you are the aggressor and initiator and he is more passive and doesn't initiate much. I am like you and your hubby is like my wifee. Just the way people are. You might be HD and he is LD. It does happen.

If my wifee wore sexy outfits for the evening or as a surprise when I get home from work......I would notice and take her right there!!!!!

Take the 5 love languages quiz and then compare the results to each other. Your love language might be physical were as his might be something else.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Well Tiny, i also have low T. But I have been able to not let it affect my actions and desire for my wife. It has caused energy problems, weight gain and others but I always show her desire. I wish she could show just half as much in return. As for when is the right time. It has to be when there are no distractions. Better after sex than before. He will not be so distracted. Or maybe in the hot tub together if you have one or take a sensual bath together and talk. Or just a quiet cuddle in front of the fire. Get him when he is not distracted and open to listen. Thats the key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> You masturbated and made vids for your hubby? WOW. Talk to my wife PLEASE!!!
> 
> It sounds like you are the aggressor and initiator and he is more passive and doesn't initiate much. I am like you and your hubby is like my wifee. Just the way people are. You might be HD and he is LD. It does happen.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I'll do that. And what is HD and LD? I'm definitely the aggressive one in every aspect of our marriage. Sometimes I feel like his mom. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Ditto what Anon Pink said about coming clean with his doc and also possibly you going with him. I didn't go with mine and he didn't come right out and tell the dr the truth. He skirted the issue. He was embarrassed to admit his situation.
Went back again and came back with a script for antidepressants :scratchhead: went back the third time (at my encouragement b/c I was horny and he wasn't that much), and finally came clean and had the blood work for testosterone levels. Came back borderline (just above) which the dr wasn't going to do anything about it. He was prepared for this and insisted on trying out test supplementation.

Let's just say sex is 100% better for us. It didn't turn him into a horndog or anything (dang! :lol but he's feeling much better all round.

Good luck all round - I hope you two get to the bottom of this soon.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

So last night we had the talk. He made it easy on me because as soon as he got in bed he said " sex?, you do it all" I looked over at him and said "well that's romantic" and then I started the conversation from there. He really seemed to understand and he apologized. He said he doesn't know why he doesn't ever think about sex. He did admit to being a lazy lover. I asked him if he would go to the doctor and he agreed. He asked if he could first just try to be better and I said I want him going to the doctor regardless. I just hope this is something medical but if its not then at least its out in the open now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Great job! Dragging it out in the open is hopefully the hard part!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tinybuddha58 said:


> So last night we had the talk. He made it easy on me because as soon as he got in bed he said " sex?, you do it all" I looked over at him and said "well that's romantic" and then I started the conversation from there. He really seemed to understand and he apologized. He said he doesn't know why he doesn't ever think about sex. He did admit to being a lazy lover. I asked him if he would go to the doctor and he agreed. He asked if he could first just try to be better and I said I want him going to the doctor regardless. I just hope this is something medical but if its not then at least its out in the open now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We'll done tiny!

You get the...

"*Big Girl Panties of the Year*" award!​

Congratulations!


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Tiny, thats great to hear your made some progress and he seems to understand. At least you now have some relief and hope that things will get turned around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> " sex?, you do it all"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You have got to be kidding me? I have heard of a lazy lover, but damn, that's a whole new level.

I hope you get this figured out.


Oh, and good job on bringing it out into the open. Keep at him.


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