# Looking For Help



## Paddy O'Shea

Hi all im not a very open person usually (unless its with my wife we share everything or at least i thought we did)

we have been together since our teens we are both now closer to 30 than 20 she is my only girlfriend i have never been with anyone else she had a couple of boyfriends in her early teens we each have only been with each other intimately we talk every opportunity about our days we share our feelings we share everything i tell her every day how much i love her and we married under 4 months ago 

i work long hours and still come home help tidy the house cook dinner and we spend time together 

i found out this weekend whilst my wife was out with her work colleagues drinking she got a little drunk and kissed a colleague passionately (they embraced each other and kissed for over a minute) she says it wasn't one sided that they both threw themselves at each other she says she didn't think about me whilst it was happening but as soon as they had finished she thought of me and felt guilt/instant regret/hated herself and that they only kissed nothing more which i believe

i didn't find out from her rather someone else it turns out she wasn't going to tell me and hoped i would never find out my question is how do i forgive how do i move on the pain i feel in the very depth of my soul is unbearable to know another man has had his hands and lips all over my wife and that she didn't spare a thought for me until it was over 

im not a distant partner / husband i we talk all the time we do things together all the time we eat together we laugh i have given her everything she needs if she wants something and i can afford it she gets it and she is the same with me im just lost in disbelief that my one true love could have done this to me i have decided to forgive but i don't know how to process what im feeling


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## EleGirl

Who told you that this happened?


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## BigToe

The logical answer to your question is that you can't forgive, can't move on, until you deal with the pain and betrayal you are feeling. So what have you done to deal with it? Given your description of what happened, to us, it seems a bit dramatic to portray it to yourself as another man having "his hands and lips all over" your wife. You mean in front of her coworkers he fondled her and performed cunnilingus on her?? So first, don't make it more than it is in your own mind. Second, it sounds like you had a relatively casual conversation about this with your wife. I think for your own benefit you need to have a deep conversation with her including describing how hurt you are and how the two of you can resolve the issue. The situation could have been exactly as she described, or it could be more...like since you are the only one she has been intimate with, is she curious about other men. Communicate with her more. Whatever you have talked about so far obviously isn't enough.


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## sunsetmist

Sounds like you have been 'together' for maybe ten or more years, but married four months. At your age some maturity should exist.

All marriages should have rules defining boundaries acceptable to both people. She needs to know that she must talk to you if there is a hiccup and vice versa. 

If she is unable to act appropriately with her current drinking habits, that must be addressed. Each of you should consider how they would feel if the other partner should take the action they are about to take.

In my mind, kissing another as you described would be unacceptable, but you only know what another person said. It is unlikely that this kiss emerged out of thin air--what else led to the kiss?


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## rv10flyer

I would be finding out if this coworker is married, where he lives and if he has a history of this kind of womanizing behavior. Is he her boss? I’d be pulling some cell phone records, buying a couple of VAR’s, keeping my mouth shut and eyes/ears open. She does not set very good boundaries...and only four months into marriage. She was not thinking about you before, during or after that kiss. Otherwise, she would not have let herself get drunk with colleagues without you present and would have told you about her indiscretion as soon as she saw you again. Like a typical cheater, she thought she would get away with it.


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## Paddy O'Shea

EleGirl said:


> Who told you that this happened?


By from someone else i mean i saw a text on her phone not that i was told the text was along the lines of it was a mistake she was drunk and could he please not tell anyone at work


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## Paddy O'Shea

BigToe said:


> The logical answer to your question is that you can't forgive, can't move on, until you deal with the pain and betrayal you are feeling. So what have you done to deal with it? Given your description of what happened, to us, it seems a bit dramatic to portray it to yourself as another man having "his hands and lips all over" your wife. You mean in front of her coworkers he fondled her and performed cunnilingus on her?? So first, don't make it more than it is in your own mind. Second, it sounds like you had a relatively casual conversation about this with your wife. I think for your own benefit you need to have a deep conversation with her including describing how hurt you are and how the two of you can resolve the issue. The situation could have been exactly as she described, or it could be more...like since you are the only one she has been intimate with, is she curious about other men. Communicate with her more. Whatever you have talked about so far obviously isn't enough.


in my mind embracing my wife warping his hands around her to kiss her passionately his hands have been over her no man but me should hold her in such a way and the way she described the kiss i dont mean all over her body i mean her in general we have talked deeply since but im dyslexic to type as much as i did took severe concentration and quite a while iv asked if she is bored of me if she has a desire to experience other men and she assures me no we have talked deplyits hard to explain


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## Paddy O'Shea

sunsetmist said:


> Sounds like you have been 'together' for maybe ten or more years, but married four months. At your age some maturity should exist.
> 
> All marriages should have rules defining boundaries acceptable to both people. She needs to know that she must talk to you if there is a hiccup and vice versa.
> 
> If she is unable to act appropriately with her current drinking habits, that must be addressed. Each of you should consider how they would feel if the other partner should take the action they are about to take.
> 
> In my mind, kissing another as you described would be unacceptable, but you only know what another person said. It is unlikely that this kiss emerged out of thin air--what else led to the kiss?


they are all factory workers, they went to a local pub and had a drink she was invited by a slightly older female colleague who is promiscuous this colleague was plying her with drinks i have found later on from my best friends wife (who also works there that this female has a history of befriending women she works with to take them out to act like a wing man for her essentially using other women to distract talk to male colleagues while she is trying to get with whichever she wants) her coleagues have told me that this woman was buying my wife drinks all night she was trying to refuse them but as i would felt rude rejecting something someone has bought for them and i have been told she was very very drunk .. no one witnessed the kiss it was as this guy was dropping everyone off home my wife was the last to be dropped off home as such was only her and him in his car but her thats apparently where it happened she told me he had been complimenting her all evening and she drunkenly let this happen it assures me as soon as it was over she thought of me and was disgusted with herself (small comfort to me)


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## Paddy O'Shea

rv10flyer said:


> I would be finding out if this coworker is married, where he lives and if he has a history of this kind of womanizing behavior. Is he her boss? I’d be pulling some cell phone records, buying a couple of VAR’s, keeping my mouth shut and eyes/ears open. She does not set very good boundaries...and only four months into marriage. She was not thinking about you before, during or after that kiss. Otherwise, she would not have let herself get drunk with colleagues without you present and would have told you about her indiscretion as soon as she saw you again. Like a typical cheater, she thought she would get away with it.


he is married he has a daughter not much younger than myself and my wife (older man) he and a few other males in that work place have a history of trying it on with the female workers (i accept alcohol can severely inhibit your decision making skills which is where the boundaries may have gone i dont know) she didnt think of me before or during which hurts me to my very core she assures me afterwards she did and felt disgusted in herself it was approximatley 2am when she got home i was asleep but awoke to find her sat at the side of me queitly i asked if everything was ok the took her time to answer and something seemed off but she was very obviously drunk to me i thought she simply felt ill i believe she wanted to tell me but was scared of the consequences she says she spent all the next day at work thinking she had just ruined everything that our marriage was over and our lives and that it terrified her she confessed in floods of tears the moment i asked her so she didn't try to conceal it once asked


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## Paddy O'Shea

to add a bit of background this man doesnt work the same shift as her so she has never seen him before this evening she had been being given alcohol all night by her lady friend who as i previously stated (seems to have used other people like this before) he is older than she is enough so to have a daughter my wifes age he is married he spent the evening complimenting her which im told she didnt return any compliments back this happened as he gave her and other colleagues a lift home (she was the last to be dropped off so she was alone in his car with him but she assures me the moment it was over she regretted it) apparently she was unsteady on her feet she was that inebriated and she sat beside me when she came into our bedroom acting odd (which looking back it was like she was bordering on telling me) which she says she was but she says she was scared to loose me and everything we have built together over these past years (she says she finds out intimate life very fulfilling that she isnt bored of me that it was a terrible mistake in a drunken state)


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## Sbrown

You've found out your wife's a cheater and is dishonest. What are you planning to do about it? If you handle this correctly you can salvage this, if not she will lose what little respect she has for you. Cheaters usually do what's called "trickle truth" a kiss usually means they had sex. Do you have kids? 


Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk


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## aine

P O,Shea, sorry you are here. If this is your actual name, I would suggest changing it?

Your wife has no boundaries and this is not a good sign so early in the marriage. What happens when you have kids and there are times when marriage is boring, will she do this again? She is making excuses as are you. She must learn to say no to drinks if she cannot handle them.

I know you are gutted but you do not have to rush a decision now. This will be a black stain on your marriage and will not go away though you can get past it but it might be a blessing because now you know who you are dealing in.
with. Do not give 100% trust to her.
She needs consequences to have some chance that this will never happen again. 
1. From now on no going out if there is a lot of drinking, without you there.
2. Access to all her technology, social media passwords, etc. If she refuses then it is grounds for divorce. This is not time to be soft
3. It sounds like the guy is a colleague, therefore she must change jobs now (I know this sounds drastic but if you don't lay down the law now, it could be worse next time).
4. Get rid of that woman as a friend and she must go no contact with both colleagues

Tell OM's wife immediately so that he is under lock down. He sounds like a dog but make his life miserable.

5. Tell her you love her but you will not put up with this and you have not decided exactly what you will do and divorce is a possibility if you get a whiff of anything more or any other incidents
6. How sure are you it was just a kiss? Time and time again it is more, when they were alone there was more opportunity. Ask her to do a lie detector test, otherwise you will not be satisfied.
7. Investigate further, who is the OM, did she know him before etc. Dig deeper.

Remember you are still young, you do not have to stay with a woman who does not respect you or your marriage. I stayed with a man who cheated on me when we were 8 years married but I had 2 kids. Looking back I would have dumped him if I hadn't got the kids. Cheating soils the marriage relationship and causes so much stress for the BS. Think carefully before you proceed, this is the rest of your life we are talking about.


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## Paddy O'Shea

Sbrown said:


> You've found out your wife's a cheater and is dishonest. What are you planning to do about it? If you handle this correctly you can salvage this, if not she will lose what little respect she has for you. Cheaters usually do what's called "trickle truth" a kiss usually means they had sex. Do you have kids?
> 
> 
> Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk


No Children and i do plan to salvage this ... unless it was very short intercourse and acrobatic as i dont think a car works as a place for sex and as the pub is literately at the end of my street where her colleagues all live on side streets attached to ours there is a photo of them all as a group in his car uploaded to social media a few minutes before she got home i believe her that it was only a kiss which doesnt mean i feel any better about it


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## Paddy O'Shea

aine said:


> P O,Shea, sorry you are here. If this is your actual name, I would suggest changing it?
> 
> Your wife has no boundaries and this is not a good sign so early in the marriage. What happens when you have kids and there are times when marriage is boring, will she do this again? She is making excuses as are you. She must learn to say no to drinks if she cannot handle them.
> 
> I know you are gutted but you do not have to rush a decision now. This will be a black stain on your marriage and will not go away though you can get past it but it might be a blessing because now you know who you are dealing in.
> with. Do not give 100% trust to her.
> She needs consequences to have some chance that this will never happen again.
> 1. From now on no going out if there is a lot of drinking, without you there.
> 2. Access to all her technology, social media passwords, etc. If she refuses then it is grounds for divorce. This is not time to be soft
> 3. It sounds like the guy is a colleague, therefore she must change jobs now (I know this sounds drastic but if you don't lay down the law now, it could be worse next time).
> 4. Get rid of that woman as a friend and she must go no contact with both colleagues
> 
> Tell OM's wife immediately so that he is under lock down. He sounds like a dog but make his life miserable.
> 
> 5. Tell her you love her but you will not put up with this and you have not decided exactly what you will do and divorce is a possibility if you get a whiff of anything more or any other incidents
> 6. How sure are you it was just a kiss? Time and time again it is more, when they were alone there was more opportunity. Ask her to do a lie detector test, otherwise you will not be satisfied.
> 7. Investigate further, who is the OM, did she know him before etc. Dig deeper.
> 
> Remember you are still young, you do not have to stay with a woman who does not respect you or your marriage. I stayed with a man who cheated on me when we were 8 years married but I had 2 kids. Looking back I would have dumped him if I hadn't got the kids. Cheating soils the marriage relationship and causes so much stress for the BS. Think carefully before you proceed, this is the rest of your life we are talking about.


1 she was the one who said to me she isn't going out with them anymore

2 she gave me access to all without me asking

3 he works in the same collection of factories different job shift etc

4 she has already severed ties with this woman i have tried to find his wife but she appears to have no social media presence and i don't know where his house is to go say it to directly its gnawing away at me that he is getting away with this unscathed

5 this i have already done

6 my last reply states that there was a window of literally a few minutes where they were alone (if you read back i think i put it in better detail) there wouldn't have been time for it to be more ... the pub they were in is owned by my school friends mother at no time during the night were they alone for something else to happen only when he was dropping her home she was with people i know and trust in the pub and her colleagues it was the trip home where this happened which takes all of a couple of minutes if that (i saw a Facebook post picture of them all in his car that's timestamp is literally minutes before she stumbled through our front door) where we live is a very small town where everyone knows everyone and went to the one same school with eachother

7 i have investigated further he is an older man who works in a factory located in the same group of factory's my wife works at not on the same shift pattern so it is unlikely they have met previously but i cant say with certainty

i have told her what she has done i can never forgive and never forget but im willing to work past this but she has to accept i cant trust her that my confidence in us as a couple has taken a severe beating (my confidence in myself as a good husband has been rocked i cant think of anything i could have done to drive her away to this i do all i can im no pushover i lay down the law when is needed and pull more than my fair share)


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## Paddy O'Shea

aine said:


> P O,Shea, sorry you are here. If this is your actual name, I would suggest changing it?


and paddy o'shea is my alterego not my real name


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## Andy1001

If your home is so close to the bar how come your wife was the last person dropped off. Wouldn’t she have been left home first?
If she even needed a ride home. 
This smells off to me.........,


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## Evinrude58

So...........

You know the tip of the iceberg. Perhaps in reality, only the very slightest tip of the tip of the iceberg.

Reality: a woman doesn't kiss a man passionately and embrace him fully FOR OVER A MINUTE, unless they already know them intimately and are totally comfortable with him.

Reality: Your wife could very easily be having an affair with this man. NOT 100%, you will verify that it was much more than a one-time chance encounter, a little later. After, some jerk like me tells you your wife is cheating and you investigate and get your head out of the sand. Then, it will likely be 100%.

Reality: If you rugsweep this and in a childish way accept that this was what your wife SAYS it is, your marriage is over. She will lose respect, continue the affair, etc. 


I'm going to ask you a few questions and you need to really think about this:

Has your wife been acting distant, or become distant rather suddenly in the last year? Has sex between you changed in ANY way? More or less frequency? Suddenly she throws in a new position? 

Has she been guarding her phone or other devices more than normal?

Has your wife started dressing differently for work? Been more meticulous with her hair or makeup?

Has she started working out at the gym in the last year, for the first time, or for more than she has in the past few years?

If your answers to all those questions are no, then your wife may have just made a very poor decision as she's told you. You have only had one girlfriend, by your own admission. I can tell you that the type of kiss you describe is NOT the type of kiss that people have the FIRST time they kiss. It's usually much shorter, feeling things out, etc. Then again, she was drunk. 
Sad thing is, people sometimes get drunk so they have an "excuse" for their bad behavior they've been silently desiring to do for a while.
Surely you see that she and he have been attracted to one another for a while. Most likely an affair, or emotional one. A man doesn't just grab up a woman in an embrace and passionately kiss her unless he's confident she is WANTING one. Especially an older man that works with her. Don't be naive.

My advice, if you want it:

Do some investigating. A LOT of investigating. Blow up her world by leaving out some divorce papers on the kitchen table and leaving to a friend's for at least a week. Make her REALLY think you are done with her. See how bad she wants you back.
What your wife has done is unconscionable. There's NO EXCUSE. And what she is telling you is a lie. I'd bet next month's salary on it. When things don't add up, it's because one doesn't know all the items in the list.

I'm sorry, your wife is lying to you. You need to get to the truth. The only way to do that is get it on your own. I wouldn't DARE mention to her anything else about it until you've done extensive research.

One last thing: If you find out your wife is cheating, do not beg or plead or chase her. It will have the opposite effect as you desire. If she is found to be cheating, the best chance (only chance) you have of her loving you again is to blow up the relationship and file for divorce and take her security blanket (you) away and show her what life is like without you.

If you've only been married a short time and this is happening------ I think I'd be done.

Ignore at your own risk.


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## seadoug105

You have shared a lot of information about her work place and co workers... this information I can only assume came from her. I am 1000% sure over time you will find a few lies in her story. They may not be big ones, and she will say but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. The problem with that is without a dought, no matter how small the lie; it will damage you and your marriage more when you discover it...


So, If the kiss was as you say....

A deep passionate kiss that lasted over 1 min
This was the 1st time she had met him
This was their first kiss


If all this is true, and you are 100% sure it was the 1st and only time, then odds are that she initiated and/or escalated the Kiss... many men will initiate a kiss, but that is a trial to feel out the situation and to possibly go further. In today's day and age if a guy, initiates the kind of kiss you describe in the situation you describe (driving the drunk girl he JUST met home), then he runs the HIGH risk of being accused of trying to rape the woman or being labeled a sexual predator.

If I were you I would listen to what people are sharing here... odds are your wife has an itch for some "strange". An itch that was possibly put there by this ***** co-worker. The problem is that once the itch is there... it doesn't just go away by not talking to this woman. Eventually she will want to scratch that itch... the only way to make the itch go away is if she suddenly (almost like a shock) realizes that "the juice isn't worth the squeeze". And that is why actions must have consequences.

It is sad how many time you can read on this and other boards of men & women that "caught" their spouse before they slept with another person. The cheating spouse swears it was a huge mistake, they weren't thinking, it will never happen again, I was drunk, it was the people I was with & I will NEVER go out with them again, etc... only to find out that AFTER they were caught the cheating spouse actually has a full blown physical affair or even just a one-night-stand. Then the cheating spouse begins to blame the Betrayed spouse, i didn't think you cared, the first time was a cry for you to love me, you just weren't around, you don't help enough around the house, blah blah blah, it's all you fault

You MIGHT be the extremely rare case where it is exactly as you (she) tells it... but atleast you have a view to the potential "other" realities.


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## Evinrude58

seadoug105 said:


> You have shared a lot of information about her work place and co workers... this information I can only assume came from her. I am 1000% sure over time you will find a few lies in her story. They may not be big ones, and she will say but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. The problem with that is without a dought, no matter how small the lie; it will damage you and your marriage more when you discover it...
> 
> 
> So, If the kiss was as you say....
> 
> A deep passionate kiss that lasted over 1 min
> This was the 1st time she had met him
> This was their first kiss
> 
> 
> If all this is true, and you are 100% sure it was the 1st and only time, then odds are that she initiated and/or escalated the Kiss... many men will initiate a kiss, but that is a trial to feel out the situation and to possibly go further. In today's day and age if a guy, initiates the kind of kiss you describe in the situation you describe (driving the drunk girl he JUST met home), then he runs the HIGH risk of being accused of trying to rape the woman or being labeled a sexual predator.
> 
> If I were you I would listen to what people are sharing here... odds are your wife has an itch for some "strange". An itch that was possibly put there by this ***** co-worker. The problem is that once the itch is there... it doesn't just go away by not talking to this woman. Eventually she will want to scratch that itch... the only way to make the itch go away is if she suddenly (almost like a shock) realizes that "the juice isn't worth the squeeze". And that is why actions must have consequences.
> 
> It is sad how many time you can read on this and other boards of men & women that "caught" their spouse before they slept with another person. The cheating spouse swears it was a huge mistake, they weren't thinking, it will never happen again, I was drunk, it was the people I was with & I will NEVER go out with them again, etc... only to find out that AFTER they were caught the cheating spouse actually has a full blown physical affair or even just a one-night-stand. Then the cheating spouse begins to blame the Betrayed spouse, i didn't think you cared, the first time was a cry for you to love me, you just weren't around, you don't help enough around the house, blah blah blah, it's all you fault
> 
> You MIGHT be the extremely rare case where it is exactly as you (she) tells it... but atleast you have a view to the potential "other" realities.


Well put, sir.

One last thing. You know how long a MINUTE is???????????? Count to a minute. It's a long freaking time. It's an eternity. If your wife kissed a man for over a minute passionately, drunk or otherwise...... And she says that's the first time. She is a L-I-A-R.  And if you believe that, you're just believing it because you want to. Because you're feeling insecure, weak, betrayed, scared, etc. You need to man up and get strong. This is a life-changing situation and one that requires you to be the man you always wanted to be. Not a weak man. A strong person. The kind of man that doesn't need just any woman to be secure. The kind of man that's ok on his own, rather than be with a cheater. The kind of man that solves problems rather than ignoring them and hoping for the best. You have got to let your character define this moment, not the moment define your character.


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## rv10flyer

There was a reason the POSOM planned to drop his “side chick” off last. Like we all have already said, there was more than a kiss. He will not stop unless you go to his wife and may not then. If you have to borrow a friends car, find out where he lives and inform his wife ASAP. She may not believe you, but she will be watching him closer. As soon as I went to my POSOM preacher’s wife last year, the fantasy started disintegrating. I should have went sooner, but wanted solid proof. No good wife will allow herself to be alone with a man except her Husband, Dad or Brother. Don’t think for a minute that her coworkers don’t know he is a womanizer, and what he was up to at 1:45 AM in the morning with your wife. Many in my wife’s church (including his own daughter) knew her preacher was a serial cheater, drunk and womanizer, but let him get away with it for 8 years before I busted him last summer. He caused three divorces, but I was the first to not walk away ashamed. Ashamed yes, walk away and allow him to keep preaching God’s Word, no way after 28 years of marriage. I think most people find it funny knowing a little dirty secret about the people around them. Let everyone in your little community know what a POS he is. Our community is full of players and I call them out on their games now, no secrets here if I find out about it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

First, if you want this to work itself out, I hope it does.

On your comment a car wouldn't work for sex...actually very few cars won't work for sex or sex of some type (sorry).

You're both very young. It may be better to address this type of thing now, maybe it will help with communication and issues later. A tough spot.

Hang in there.


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## sunsetmist

Realize how hard this is to write considering dyslexia, etc. I find UR posts hard to follow at times and a few periods when thoughts change would be appreciated. When you enumerated your answers in response to questions, it was much easier.

Understand that this sub-forum is made up of years of experience involving lots of HURT. There are a variety of opinions and you are to choose the parts of those that are most helpful to you. Folks that are happy are not as likely to come back--for many reasons, but especially to avoid triggers.

Wife was not a little drunk as described in first post--later we know she couldn't stand up straight. He is/was grooming her--testing the waters. Never is it rude to refuse ANYTHING that you fear may compromise your character/morals or even if one is a little bit uncomfortable or just has a bad gut feeling. NO is a complete sentence. Your wife must understand that.

Likely he had his hands on her breasts if not more--maybe what you alluded to in the 'hands all over her' post. Thinking y'all realize that much worse could have happened and could in the future if you are not diligent--guess that is the reason for your initial post. 

Sounds like the two of you have addressed some of the immediate issues--but don't stop talking about this and how YOU FEEL. 
Your daughter is a great reason to work on this now--thinking you are brave to ask for help!


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