# His emotional affair w/ female friend



## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

I’m going to try to keep this as concise as I can, but I am going to include specific examples as I need help with this situation. Let me start off by saying that I am in no way a perfect person. I can be jealous and overly suspicious due to being in unhealthy relationships. With that being said, in the past when I have felt that something wasn’t right in a relationship, I was correct.

That fact tends to bolster my ego. I feel justified in trusting my intuition when I feel something is wrong or not quite right in my relationship. I have been in my current relationship for three years. I don’t have many complaints, but there is one major concern. There is his seemingly constant need for female attention and a female friend.

The first issue is easier to deal with in a way because this seems to be transient. There was an incident where he was at work and he recorded a video of a customer’s backside while she was walking out of the store. I found the video and confronted him. He was apologetic and understood why I was upset. I was appeased until the next situation occurred.

The second situation involved a co-worker. To make this short, the woman had a crush on him. She would call and text him and try to get him to hang out with him. This went on for about a month before I found out. When I confronted him, he was initially defensive and angry. He basically only came clean when this flirtation threatened his job. He had a few sessions with the higher ups in his company that resulted in them not believing his protests that he did nothing inappropriate with this woman. They ended up firing her and giving him a warning. She continued to pursue him via calls (his cell and at work), showing up at the job, facebook and probably other methods that I don’t know about.

Til this day, I still don’t know wtf to believe. I noticed a change in demeanor/attitude and a later time coming home during this time, but I don’t have concrete proof of infidelity other than a few phone calls. I have pretty much let this go, but I’d be a liar if I said the whole situation doesn’t stick with me.

The second situation is his female friend from high school. When we met he told me up front about her because apparently it affected previous relationships. He lived with her at the time that we met. I felt like he was a great guy that I didn’t want to miss out on being in a relationship with because of something so petty. I really felt it was a non-issue as I trusted him.

In the beginning there were small things like I couldn’t even joke about them being in a relationship EVER. He bit my head off one night when I jokingly alluded to it. (Despite him telling me that he thinks she’s had a crush on him at one point in time. How the phuq was I supposed to take that when he lived with her?) He would get off of the phone with me when he got home. There was this one day that she got on the phone with me and totally went off about how she purchased groceries that he liked. She talked about how he didn’t have to purchase furniture when he moved in with her because she had everything ready for him. It was so out of the blue. One minute I was on the phone with him, the next she’s on the phone going off about all that she does for him. I was thrown and he said he was too. He said he didn’t know where all of that came from. I explained to him a while after this incident that women are threatened by their relationship because she does things that a girlfriend is supposed to do (while he’s in a relationship).

As time went on, he and I got closer and we ended up moving to another state together. He continues to keep in touch with her. When he goes back home he stays with her mom and they hang out. There was one time he went home that really wanted to go because my mom was going through chemo. He just kept saying he really wanted to go alone and he didn’t want to be responsible for entertaining me. My mom asked him to bring me and he said he would, reluctantly. I decided not to go because I don’t go where I am clearly not wanted.

The last incident with his female best friend FOREVER is that she sent him picture of her breasts (in her bra). I saw the text in his mail account (yes, I snoop). He claimed he never got the picture to his phone. I went to the store after asking him wtf was the pic about. He text her to ask her why he had a pic of her breasts. She text him back to say she was sorry it was a mistake. He proceeded to say, “Well she works in a bra shop blah blah blah.” I was pissed. He said he understood why and if the roles were reversed he’ d be pissed too.

There are just a lot of little things that rub me the wrong way, He craves attention from other women (even though he denies this)and doesn’t understand why I withdraw and don’t want him to touch me. I don’t use sex as a weapon or punishment, but I don’t feel like being touched by someone I feel is still on the prowl on the sly.

At this point, I have no emotions towards much concerning our relationship. He makes me feel like I’m crazy and being petty when clearly there is something not clean in the milk. I express my feelings to him, but when he gets defensive or tries to flip it around on me, I shut down; I have no desire to debate with someone who cannot admit their faults.

Let me be clear, I do love him. He is a great guy in most ways. He has not treated me as phuqed up as other guys have done in the past. I am open and honest with him, so he is aware of my past failures, hurts and baggage and I am aware of his. This is why his transgressions cut so deep, because he is aware of all that I have been through.

Basically, I need to either let all of this go or tell him he needs to move on. I know this, I guess I am just venting, but I am open to advice or interpretations on his and my behavior.


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

I posted the above on another message board almost two years ago. I have since found out that he is having an emotional affair with his female friend. I found a series of text messages between them.

They were talking about feeding each other cake and cookies (His nickname is Cookie) Where I'm from cookies and cake are euphemisms for vagina. 

I never told him to have no contact with her, just respect our relationship. He told her I caught their text messages and they needed to ease up contact, but he told her if she needed him to call and he'll do the same. He told her he misses her already. 

When it comes to my feelings on this he feels his actions were no big deal, but admitted if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd be upset. I told him what I needed. I've talked ad nauseam, showing vulnerability. I realize this is a mistake as he has lost respect for me. He says he loves me, is in love with me and wants to be with me.

He has been out of work for seven months. I'm footing all of the bills, including the cell phone he uses to contact her. I feel resentment. I feel used, hurt and angry. Some days I'm able to rug sweep, which is not healthy. He is not showing remorse and is not doing heavy lifting, I am. I research and am trying to heal. I am trying the 180.
He accuses me of ignoring him and treating him like a leper. Until he shows remorse, I have nothing to say to him. I'm helping him until he gets on his feet, but I resent it.

He takes up for her and disregards my feelings. He says he's trying, but I'm not receptive. He is giving tt and I am slowly finding out more and more hurtful info. 

Please help. I'm already on anti-anxiety meds. At this point, is it best to let him go?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

azul said:


> At this point, is it best to let him go?


Yes.


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## feelingallalone (Apr 2, 2012)

You need to move on. I read your first post, not realizing it was 2 years old...and was about to say "you're being gaslighted." Your intuition sees the truth, but the betraying spouse uses your love and trust against you. This is the biggest weapon of Betrayal, deception that only works by abusing the love and trust another has for the betrayer. Making the betrayed out as getting paranoid, etc. "it's all in your head". 

Anyway, to answer your question: you must let him go. If there No is clear definitive choice in your favor, then there is no chance to move on. The deception continues, there is no honesty. Without that honesty, there can be no true remorse. Without remorse, there is not true accountability. Before we can forgive, or begin to forgive, the betrayer needs to understand what is being forgiven. Without remorse, that is not possible. 

You need to move on, and make a choice. You are both on the fence, but since you cannot control him, you have only one direction to move. What is the point of continuing to rebuild a committed relationship between two people when only one is truly trying to make it work? 

It might be hard to move on, but it will not result in anything like the pain and hurt you feel over your spouses on going betrayal.


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

Thank you guys for your responses. I keep looking for someone to tell me this can be fixed, but I know the truth. This is unhealthy and its up to me to break the cycle.

It's just that much harder because I can't just throw him out. I know I will feel even worse when he gets in his feet and is gone. Especially since my help is going to be a direct cause of his renewed independence. 

I just need to focus on myself. Why is that so freaking hard to do? I'm a ball of emotions and his stoicism is like a stab to my heart, a slap in the face and a punch to the gut all rolled into one. 

:banghead: mix all those=me


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your Ic my mention some codependent issue you may have??? if so work with your IC an get them ironed out, it will help with the next relation ship.

This guys a POS and you should move on and understand your feelings through an IC so your next relationship is better then the last. 

edugate your self and find the tools that will teach you, and you won't have to have all those "faces" all together= you.

I'm not a smart man but I know I need help from others to get through my wifes adultory. So get the tools you need to heal.


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

Thank you, the guy, I appreciate your suggestions. I haven't started counseling, but I intend to do so soon. 

You're right, I definitely have issues that I need to work on. I will not be embarking on any new relationships anytime soon. I will take this time to work on myself.

Again, thank you to all who gave their insight. Today was rough and I needed y'alls words.

I wish everyone the best in their situations. I'll be lurking and gaining knowledge.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

azul said:


> He takes up for her and disregards my feelings. He says he's trying, but I'm not receptive. He is giving tt and I am slowly finding out more and more hurtful info.
> 
> Please help. I'm already on anti-anxiety meds. At this point, is it best to let him go?


Sounds like he's a liar and a serial cheater. I am willing to bet that his behavior goes far beyond what you've detected. Based on what you've written...He has no respect for you at all. He's not interested in changing in the least and he's going to start playing headgames with you if you keep challenging him. This guy is NOT marriage material. You will regret the choice to remain in this relationship. Leave him. Anyone who has you so upset that you are on drugs to feel better is not healthy for you.

You sound like a nice person with a kind heart. You deserve better than this creep.


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

moxy said:


> Sounds like he's a liar and a serial cheater. I am willing to bet that his behavior goes far beyond what you've detected. Based on what you've written...He has no respect for you at all. He's not interested in changing in the least and he's going to start playing headgames with you if you keep challenging him. This guy is NOT marriage material. You will regret the choice to remain in this relationship. Leave him. Anyone who has you so upset that you are on drugs to feel better is not healthy for you.
> 
> You sound like a nice person with a kind heart. You deserve better than this creep.


Moxy, thank you for responding. Everything that you typed is exactly correct. He has started to play headgames. He wrote me a letter (that I requested he write) telling me how he feels about me. It contained the right words, but at the same time, it was sterile, if that makes any sense.

I was expecting a full blown confession and remorse, but that didn't happen. That's my karma for having expectations from him that he never displayed on his own. He also got me a card that said he missed me. It was also sterile. I just felt blank. 

I know I have a long journey to heal. There are immediate actions that I can take such as exercising and keeping a journal. I have started both of these, but I definitely need to be more disciplined.

I'm a homebody, but my cousin is very helpful in getting me out the house and helping me reign in my emotions. I have a habit of taking the safe route and not expressing my wants and needs. I just refuse to set myself up for failure any more. I don't engage in conversation. I keep it short and cordial.


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

If you guys don't mind, I'll use this thread as a semi journal. I have a digital journal, but this is helpful to me in my recovery. I appreciate the feedback, it helps me to have other views.

Yesterday, I went to speak with a friend who is going through similar issues. I told my soon to be ex that I was going to counseling. I got the third degree on what I talked about, how many sessions I have scheduled and why am I going to therapy. I was actually amused and taken aback at the same time.

I make it a point to get out of the house now because it helps me mentally. I get text messages about my whereabouts, when I'm returning and can I pick something up whenever I come home. Feigned interest. Just wants to have me pinned down. Compartmentalizer.

Then came the where are we in our relationship question. I told him to answer that question. He said he thought we had hit a rough patch, but we're working our way back to being good. Delusional. I did not say that. Then he repeated the question and I replied that I had said all I needed to say and that I was going to say concerning our relationship. I mean, being honest with myself, he's still not remorseful and has done nothing that resembles truly understanding my feelings. It would be wasted energy and frustrating to me to continue down that road.

Again, I know this will take time and I will make progress and have relapses, but today, as of right this minute, I'm good and its been a long time since I could honestly say that.


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

Well, I'm back again. I see there's not much interest in this thread, but that's okay. The responses that I got were very helpful. I said I would use this thread as a defacto mini journal and I will.

Last night he seemed to have had a personal epiphany. He said everything I wanted to hear and it sounded genuine. He was not defensive, but understanding. He didn't make excuses for her or defend her. He put my feelings first and let me get out what I needed to say. 

I told him I don't trust him. I told him I believe he lies to me about their situation. He admitted not saying some things because he knows they will hurt me. I told him I'd rather he be honest and hurt my feelings because 80% of the time I find out anyway and when I find out it chips away at my trust and respect for him. 

He agreed to not talking to her or contacting her. I asked him if he would miss her as a friend because I could actually understand that. He said he would not. I told him that we are not married, so I could understand him not wanting to cut contact with her for me. 

He said he wants to cut contact because he sees how his "friendship" has had a negative impact on our relationship and how we interact with each other. He said he had a few days to put himself in my shoes and he sees how it has devastated me. I kept asking the catalyst because there was such resistance before. He didn't give me a solid answer on that.

Honestly, I was listening, but everything concerning him is met with New eyes and ears. I let him know I don't trust him, I'm not ready to forgive him (That was his only request. He said he doesn't feel he has the right to request anything of or from me- damn right) and he has a long way to go to fix this.

I think the fact that I told him his "friend" is a disrespectful bitxx and manipulative as fvck may have sunk in. He has also done research on emotional affairs. I told him there are friends to your relationship and foes to your relationship. I let him know that he has blinders when it comes to her and nothing I say or do will make him see her in a different light. He would have to come to his own revelations about her.

I'm not impressed. I told him I hope he learns and grows for his own personal enrichment because that is definitely my plan and course of action.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

So it's been 2 years since you have been having the problems of your H possibly having multiple affairs with different women....?

He is still in denial about his current EA?

How can you be sure there is NC between him and his affair partners? Do you have full transparency?

I have alot of questions, but just the fact that it has been 2 years of lies and deception and no trust....thats a long time to deal with b.s. like that. Those 2 years could have been better spent to try to have a successful R....

If you guys stay together, are you both prepared to put the work it takes to R? B/c it will be another 2-5years of emotional hell dealing with all of this. I guess, that is if you ever get the real truth from your H and he is truely sorry and remorseful.


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

TMI included:

Let me just get this out of the way...I was super horny yesterday afternoon and last night. I didn't give in to my physical wants. I know some feel like it helps you get back to "feeling like a normal couple" but it is not helpful to me at all. 

Although I still desire him, I know it clouds my judgement. It has been a bandaid in our relationship and its a road I refuse to keep taking.

I went out and had a girl's day with my cousin. I had forgotten how simple girlie things can ease one's mind.

I am also reading, Not Just Friends, it is simply awesome and eye opening. I love the way that it's written. Thanks to all who ever recommendwd it!


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> So it's been 2 years since you have been having the problems of your H possibly having multiple affairs with different women....?
> 
> 
> He's my boyfriend and in retrospect, yes he seems to have had multiple affairs. Definitely inappropriate situations.
> ...


You are very much on point about the last two sentences. Thank you for taking Tue time to respond.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

This guy isn't trustworthy. He's telling you what you want to hear and taking his bad behavior underground. Keep going to counseling. Don't tell him what you discuss. His behavior indicates that he's not remorseful and he's playing you. 

It's not that people aren't into your thread. Sometimes, people aren't sure if they're getting through. Keep writing on your thread. People will chime in when they think they can offer you help.

Talk to your IC about codependency and trusting your judgement. I think you're being manipulated by him. Been there. Recognize it.


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## azul (Apr 29, 2012)

I haven't posted in a few days, but I'm still here. I've been checking out other parts of the forum.

So, I'm working on my obsession of checking his emails and phone logs. I still do it, but not as much. Its tiresome and I'm trusting my gut because I just know they're still in contact. I have no desire to torture myself.

I dropped him and her from all of my social networks. That felt awesome. He noticed and I refuse to add him back. I also blocked him. I don't want to see anything.

He may be on the verge of obtaining employment, at my workplace, of all places. But we will not be in contact with each other. He is feeling himself and has been snipping and sniping. I told him this and he proceeded to be his self-inflated, self!

I gave him space because I don't want to deal with his crap. He asked me why I wasn't talking to him. I told him he was basically being a jerk. He apologized and said he didn't remember me telling him how he was acting. Whatever.

I'm continuing IC, which has been great. Its really giving me insight, like never before. I'm a serial therapy repeater. I've usually bs'd counselors, but this one is wonderful.

I've gotten some fringe compliments from people who know me loosely. That has been an ego boost.

I'm just sitting back and observing him. Cloudy transparency is what we have. 

Tis all for now.


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