# looking for advice



## levono110 (Nov 18, 2017)

Hello,

I have posted here in the past, but it's been a while. I moved out of our home with our children less than 2 weeks ago. I moved in with my parents.

As far as why I left my husband is very immature emotionally and has repeatedly threatened me financially and has verbally attacked me multiple times in front of our kids. I think he is narcissistic. He never admits to doing anything wrong, and frequently acts like the victim.

I care about him but I don't think he will ever change and I am tired of deal with it.
After I left, my younger child had some bad behaviors at school- to the point that the school called me 3x in the last week and asked me to pick him up early, and said he will not be able to come back to school if he continues with the behavior. I communicated to my husband what was happening with my son and my husband didn't respond except to say that it was my fault because I took him away from our home. My husband didn't attempt to call or see our son unless I initiated it because my husband said he didnt' think the kids wanted to see him. 

I had planned for a while prior to leaving because my husband had threatened me financially on many occasions. I didn't tell my son or husband prior to the move because I was afraid of how my husband would respond.

I think this relationship is going to end in divorce but I'm not sure how quickly I should move on filling out the paperwork. Is there an advantage to filling it out sooner. I have a lawyer and she suggested I tell my husband I have a lawyer. I feel very conflicted and I thought that if I waited longer that I might have more mental clarity. My husband is very interested in property and money. So he emptied out the bank account after I took some of the money out. He took away my paycheck once it went into the account. I have cash saved, but my husband has much more financial resources than I do. He had said he wanted to work things out but all he does is pout and not try to work with me.

Should I rush to get the divorce paperwork done? Would it be a good idea to give my husband notice that I have a lawyer prior to filing?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

levono110 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have posted here in the past, but it's been a while. I moved out of our home with our children less than 2 weeks ago. I moved in with my parents.
> As far as why I left my husband is very immature emotionally and has repeatedly threatened me financially and has verbally attacked me multiple times in front of our kids. I think he is narcissistic. He never admits to doing anything wrong, and frequently acts like the victim.
> ...


*"Hell, Yes," to the completion of the divorce filing paperwork!

What kind of notice did he give you? I say, "Give him zilch!"

*


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You will never be happy with him. Imagine him being the same way forever. That made you leave. Now, imagine that times the guilt he will make you feel for leaving him.

Open a new bank account, redirect your pay there. Start the divorce paperwork and take half. File for alimony as well as he is ****ing around with your money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a good reason for you to file for divorce as soon as possible. The reason is so that he cannot continue to harm you financially. Your lawyer can demand your paycheck back. You can also ask for child support. 

Further, if your income is a lot lower than your husband's you might be able to get what is called interim alimony (or spousal support). That would help you get a place to live and cover the expenses of setup your life. 

Do you and your husband own a home?

How old is your son?

Your son is acting out, which is pretty normal. It would help to take him to a counselor... if he's young, a play therapist might be best. Children do not have the ability to express their emotional turmoil, so they act it out. That's most likely what your son is doing. He needs a bit of help right now.


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## levono110 (Nov 18, 2017)

I do have a separate account open and have money in it. My paycheck is going into the account now. I hadn't planned on leaving when I did, so I didn't have a side job paycheck directed deposited in the separate account yet when I left. But now it is.
My husband purchased rental properties while we were married. And we own a home together. My kids are 4 and 6 years old. The 4 year old is the one acting out in school.
I have tried to get both of them some counseling but haven't found a provider yet- I've been told they are too young, or the provider has a long waiting list or they don't take their insurance.
My husband is being difficult. I emailed him and told him I wanted to set up a schedule so that the kids know when they will see him. He refuses to respond to my emails. I saw him in person and he said he didn't want to watch them for 1 day during the work week because it was too much for him.
And when I asked him to take at least 2 weekends a month to watch them, he said " I don't know".
My youngest asked to go home today. I asked them if they wanted to talk to daddy and they said yes. So I called him and when they asked if they could come home and see him tomorrow, he said, " Did mommy put you up to this?"
I want to tell him that if he doesn't spend time with the kids he will be paying a lot more child support but I don't want to get him thinking that I have a lawyer or am getting a divorce until I file because I expect him to try to punish me further when he finds out.
Even though he is constantly an ass and never takes responsibility for his own behavior. I am still having a hard time getting myself to fill out the divorce paperwork. I will get it done though.


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## Horse on Ice (Dec 22, 2015)

Sounds like your husband is a controlling bully who has complete disregard for his own children.

That places him in a very bad spot in my book. If you give him any information regarding your separation/pending divorce, he will most likely try to find a way to use that against you.

I'm thinking get this done as soon as possible. If his main concerns are financial, then he may try to hide assets, the longer he has the more he can hide...


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## Coach Victoria (Apr 24, 2018)

Horse on Ice said:


> Sounds like your husband is a controlling bully who has complete disregard for his own children.
> 
> That places him in a very bad spot in my book. If you give him any information regarding your separation/pending divorce, he will most likely try to find a way to use that against you.
> 
> I'm thinking get this done as soon as possible. If his main concerns are financial, then he may try to hide assets, the longer he has the more he can hide...


I wanted to weigh in because it sounds like you could really use some guidance. I am a divorce coach specializing in women leaving abusive marriages. Your marriage is abusive. You may not be able to see it because you are too close to it. Your husband sounds like a textbook narcissist, and the sooner you leave, the better. I have too much advice for you to write here. I hope you will reach out to me. It is truly my passion in life to help as many women in your situation as possible. I, too, was once in your situation, and it is what led me to become a coach -- so that I could help other women do what I did, only with much less expense (emotional and financial).


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## levono110 (Nov 18, 2017)

I wanted to update. 
My husband had said he wasn't feeling well while we were separated and that he had lost a lot of weight.
I didn't realize how sick he was. He was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of may and he died at the beginning of June this year. The day he got his diagnosis he called me, I came over, and he apologized to me for his behavior. He said he realized he lost everything and that he wanted us to be with him. I asked him why he hadn't told me that the entire time we were separated- he said he was never good at saying things like that. I was with him after that most of the time. It was really horrible to watch him die.

Now I am having conflicted feelings. My friends know he had been abusive and don't really seem interested in talking about him. Some of his friends knew that we had separated but don't really know much beyond that.

Is there anyone that can relate? I'm feeling alone right now.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Dump your friends and make new ones. Pretty lousy of them not to see the turmoil you are in and offer so little in empathy and compassion to the late father of your children.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

May I ask where your conflict lies?

He was losing everything and found some humility in his final approach in leaving this existance... his apology was everything he truly had left to offer.

Even though it may seem very little and very late in many ways, that was a big thing and a remorseful attempt to right many wrongs.

I'm sure he wished to offer more.


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## levono110 (Nov 18, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> May I ask where your conflict lies?
> 
> He was losing everything and found some humility in his final approach in leaving this existance... his apology was everything he truly had left to offer.
> 
> ...


I think what you are saying is true and powerful. I believe he did wish to offer more. I am conflicted for a lot of reasons- I waited our entire marriage for that kind of heartfelt honesty from him. I wish we had the chance to see what would have happened if he had a little more time together after he was diagnosed. And when I grieve, the grief is confusing- because our relationship was stressful and painful and yet I miss him.
But he did me the best thing he could when it came down to it- before he died.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There's nothing to be conflicted about here. 

If he lived his life and behaved as an abusive @$$, then he was an abusive @$$. 

He didn't miraculously turn into a decent person as he was dying, he was just trying to assuage his own guilt and manipulating you into caring for him. 
Even in his last breaths he was buttering his own bread. 

He was a mean, manipulative bully in life. You were in your right to get away from him. 

It was just circumstance that he got sick in the middle of it. 

Charles Manson died a miserable death here awhile back too but he was still an evil, demonic murderer.


You don't have to dance on his grave and shoot party streamers on his headstone, but don't feel for one moment that he turned into a good person and a loving husband and father in his final days. He lived his life as a mean, manipulative, narcissistic bully so that is what he was. 


And I agree with Broken In Brooklyn above, put a world of distance between you and his friends. Where were they when he was abusing you?? If they are his friends, what kind of people does that make them???? They are not YOUR friends. 


Do not romanticize him in death. Judge him on how he lived and how he treated you and the kids and other people in life. That is who and what he really was.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is normal that you are grieving even under these circumstances. He was your husband and he died. Yes, he was abusive, but you loved him and had a difficult time leaving him despite his abuse. I recommend you find a grief group on your area and attend that for a while. Find a book or two on grief that may help you through this.

Not only are you grieving the death of your husband, but you were grieving the loss of your marriage and with that all your hopes and dreams that come with marrying and then finding that it didn't turn out how you had expected and your beloved was in fact not the man you thought he was. This is a lot to deal with. It will take some time to work through it.

You may be looking for comfort at this time, but looking to another man isn't the answer at this time. You need to work through all of this and grieve. When you can look back and have peace and can find a man who will treat you with love and respect, then it will be time, but not while you have not yet recovered from the emotional abuse that you experience.

I'm sorry that your friends haven't been there for you. When hard times hit we find out who are true friends are. Again, find a group to attend where you can work through your grief.


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