# Need some validation



## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

Ok so I was here just over 2 years ago. The wife and I were on the verge of splitting up. We decided to get some councilling. My wife has zero sex drive. Says it's dirty and should only be for making babies. Funny she didnt mention this 5 years earlier when we met. Sex was fine in the beginning and I gather that is usually the case. She told me that being married would help her open up to me. Did nothing. There was always something I was doing that caused this. Nothing was working and we came to a point where we were fight all the time. Was right before a trip to Mexico. The week leading up to it she was done and didn't want to go. A few hours after the plane took off she was sorry and wamted to work on things. So we go to a marriage councillor and she just keeps bringing stuff up from her past to the point where the councillor said that we needed to deal with the things that were wrong with our relationship. I swear to god she played this game of chasing her tail and we never really dealt with anything. After about 6 sessions I said I had enough and was going to start talking about my problems which was mainly that our sexual relationship was terrible. An example: I have not had a passionate kiss since August 2010. I have not had any foreplay since then. This is before we went to councilling. Foreplay is like a sexual assault. I am trying to touch her and she is trying to stop me. Councilling went until the summer of 2011 when she decided that we could not get anymore help from the councillor. Nothing had changed and nothing had been dealt with. She decided she needed to see a different tharapist that she had seen before, Wow that was a year and a half ago. She has seen maybe 3 times in that time. She has said she wants to go see him again. My biggest problem is the no sex gets me all pissed of and i end up fighting with her about everything. When we started councilling I made an effort to try to stop letting this poison everything. An example is we went to mexico again recently and had zero sex. Nothing. And I didn't say a word. Now was I *****y and pissed off all the time we were there? Of course. But I didn't make it into a fight. So we have been home a few weeks now and we are really not even communicating about anything. I told a few days after we got back that I felt very unloved and she agreed that she needed to try to show it more and of course nothing becomes of it. So Friday night I have had enough and go to her and ask her if she is ever going to do anything about it. And she has done absolutely nothing about it. Nothing. She looks me in the eyes and says no. And everything changed for me in an instant. I went to her hoping to get some validation that she would try. And in that instant I realized that it was time to move on. Not that her not doing anything for 2 years was enough. Have I gave her enough time to work on this? Can sex be the deciding factor whether to end my marriage? It has poisoned every other part of our relationship. If someone see's it from her side I hope to hear something to explain why she would not try to me. I love her moree than anything in the world and took a vow to honor her through everything but it didnt say when she would not try change.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm so sorry to read your post. 
I couldn't live in a sexless marriage.

I can't relate at all... don't understand whats not to like about sex...unless it was the person I'm having it with.

Has she ever said anything in MC about WHY she doesn't want sex?


----------



## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

The last session we went I told her i was going to start talking about the problem with sex. When we got there she totally went on the attack and it was a big fight and I never got to bring it up. After that I wasn't too excited about going back. And oddly she said we couldn't get anymore help from her and she would go see someone herself. It took almost a year for her to go see the other tharapist and she says she talked to him about it but never gave me any details and nothing has changed. She has seen him maybe 2 or 3 times. Not even too sure.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> I love her moree than anything in the world and took a vow to honor her through everything but it didnt say when she would not try change


I have made lots of posts about this issue and about my similar situation if you want to have a look.

You say you love her more than anything in the world but stop and think, does this really mean that you love her more than you value yourself? The honest answer is most likely "yes".
If it is "yes" then it might be time to put some energy into yourself and stand up and say that you are worth more than to be with someone that does not value your needs.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

You do have every right to expect and insist on having a sex life in your marriage. 
I doubt anyone marries thinking they are going to have to celibate. For most of us our vows included something along the lines of ' forsaking all others'... this is understood by most i'm sure that we will make our selves available for intimacy.

But there is a reason she doesn't want sex with you.... there is always a reason. Your mission...if you want to or care enough is to find out what that reason is.

Happily married (healthy) women who love and respect their husband do not avoid sex. They are more likely to be pursuing it.
You need to look into her life and make sure nothing else/no-one else if taking your place. If there is nothing like that then she is most likely resentful/angry about something...it could be from years ago... but there IS a reason.


----------



## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

I know that the last 2 relationships, one were there was a child, were exactly the same. I know one was miserable about no sex just by what she has told me and the other, the one before me she didn't have sex with for the last 6 months of their relationship. She has some child abuse issues of which she has only shared a small amount to me but I am sure that is the root of the problem. But at some point she needs to want to help herself. The next relationship she is in will be the same. And 2 years ago I was willing to work with her to get through this. She chose to do nothing when she realized it wasn't all my fault.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

peon said:


> Ok so I was here just over 2 years ago. The wife and I were on the verge of splitting up. We decided to get some councilling. My wife has zero sex drive. Says it's dirty and should only be for making babies. Funny she didnt mention this 5 years earlier when we met. Sex was fine in the beginning and I gather that is usually the case. She told me that being married would help her open up to me. Did nothing. There was always something I was doing that caused this. Nothing was working and we came to a point where we were fight all the time. Was right before a trip to Mexico. The week leading up to it she was done and didn't want to go. A few hours after the plane took off she was sorry and wamted to work on things. So we go to a marriage councillor and she just keeps bringing stuff up from her past to the point where the councillor said that we needed to deal with the things that were wrong with our relationship. I swear to god she played this game of chasing her tail and we never really dealt with anything. After about 6 sessions I said I had enough and was going to start talking about my problems which was mainly that our sexual relationship was terrible. An example: I have not had a passionate kiss since August 2010. I have not had any foreplay since then. This is before we went to councilling. Foreplay is like a sexual assault. I am trying to touch her and she is trying to stop me. Councilling went until the summer of 2011 when she decided that we could not get anymore help from the councillor. Nothing had changed and nothing had been dealt with. She decided she needed to see a different tharapist that she had seen before, Wow that was a year and a half ago. She has seen maybe 3 times in that time. She has said she wants to go see him again. My biggest problem is the no sex gets me all pissed of and i end up fighting with her about everything. When we started councilling I made an effort to try to stop letting this poison everything. An example is we went to mexico again recently and had zero sex. Nothing. And I didn't say a word. Now was I *****y and pissed off all the time we were there? Of course. But I didn't make it into a fight. So we have been home a few weeks now and we are really not even communicating about anything. I told a few days after we got back that I felt very unloved and she agreed that she needed to try to show it more and of course nothing becomes of it. So Friday night I have had enough and go to her and ask her if she is ever going to do anything about it. And she has done absolutely nothing about it. Nothing. She looks me in the eyes and says no. And everything changed for me in an instant. I went to her hoping to get some validation that she would try. And in that instant I realized that it was time to move on. Not that her not doing anything for 2 years was enough. Have I gave her enough time to work on this? Can sex be the deciding factor whether to end my marriage? It has poisoned every other part of our relationship. If someone see's it from her side I hope to hear something to explain why she would not try to me. I love her moree than anything in the world and took a vow to honor her through everything but it didnt say when she would not try change.


Well my wifes excuse for tonight was she has a gyno appointment in 6 days and dosn't want to be "ALL SWOLLEN "......

I was so flabergasted at the blatent stupidity of that lie, I THINK MY EYES POPPED OUT OF MY HEAD.....

I guess we are both getting our share of BULLSHI* excuses....I don't know what pi$$ed me off the most, the blatent stupidity of her excuse, or the fact that she had just wasted 2 hours on the phone with her "baby" brother, but didn't have time for me...

I am going to pack my mustang and go on an extended trout fishing trip.....


----------



## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

Holland said:


> I am HD, ex is LD although this was not how he was at the start of our relationship.
> I am a communicator, he isn't.
> I am touchy feely, he isn't.
> 
> ...


This is exactly it.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

peon said:


> I know that the last 2 relationships, one were there was a child, were exactly the same. I know one was miserable about no sex just by what she has told me and the other, the one before me she didn't have sex with for the last 6 months of their relationship. She has some child abuse issues of which she has only shared a small amount to me but I am sure that is the root of the problem. But at some point she needs to want to help herself. The next relationship she is in will be the same. And 2 years ago I was willing to work with her to get through this. She chose to do nothing when she realized it wasn't all my fault.


So you know it's not YOU. YOU may end up suffering (along with her) but it's not about you.

I'm so sorry for both of you. She no doubt wants more connections and intimacy.... it's human nature to want it. It's just connected to the fear she remembers from the abuse. Was the abuse from a family member/trusted family person?

I would think counselling is the best hope...it needs to be someone who understand sexual abuse and it's long term effects. I know very little about SA but I can't imagine a lay person can 'fix' this and no amount of love or caring from you can make this better.

If you want to improve your marriage you may have to insist on counselling. Because living the way you are isn't fair or right at all and as you say...if you divorce this issue will follow her into her next relationship.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

hello peon, sounds like a bait and switch if sex was fine before the marriage. what happened to her? it's great that you love her more than anything but I don't think wanting sex in a marriage is asking for too much. you didn't want to get married to be just friends and that's all you are if there's no sex involved. you sound young. too young to accept a life of celibacy and rejection that is turning you into a person you don't even like (pissed off all the time). sorry to say that I don't think the future looks bright/happy/fun for you and your wife.


----------



## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

waiwera said:


> If you want to improve your marriage you may have to insist on counselling. Because living the way you are isn't fair or right at all and as you say...if you divorce this issue will follow her into her next relationship.


I totally agree and 2 years ago I wanted to work on this. We went down that road and she did everything to sabotage it. The thing she has never told me and I guess I will never know is why she will not try. If she talked to a tharapist about this and he told her to do anything she has not done it. I am pretty sure she has not even brought up the subject.

To Holland: Did this situation with your ex not poison every other aspect of your relationship? And did he ever tell you why he would not make an effort?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

peon said:


> I totally agree and 2 years ago I wanted to work on this. We went down that road and she did everything to sabotage it. The thing she has never told me and I guess I will never know is why she will not try. If she talked to a tharapist about this and he told her to do anything she has not done it. I am pretty sure she has not even brought up the subject.
> 
> *To Holland: Did this situation with your ex not poison every other aspect of your relationship? And did he ever tell you why he would not make an effort?*


Peon this issue ruined our marriage in the end and not only that it almost ruined me. I am still dealing with the fallout of the rejection and self loathing it caused and am in counselling for it because I dearly want to be whole.

I eventually turned off my sex drive (maybe this is a female thing and not so easy for men?), I never cheated and I stayed for the kids. So from this POV I was able to stay married to him for a few more years.
He is a good man and I know him well, he did not want to hurt me but he never understood that his inaction was killing me inside. I got to the point where *I* became more important to me than he was, this was the day I ended it.

No he never told me why he didn't make the required effort but I guess we just got to the stage where I didn't care any more. I didn't want to be with him, I was no longer in love with him.

Life now, 3 years down the track is incredible. I am in a healthy relationship with a man that I am compatible with sexually. We communicate and are comfortable enough with each other to discuss sex and all sorts of life issues in an open. respectful and loving way.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She should not be a wife, let her go and you find someone who wants to live marriage like it was created to be. 
As my priest once said 'God wants his people to be happy and live fully' You are doing neither.

She may be a good person in many ways, but you will never be happy living like this, it's just wrong.


----------



## thomrashid (Nov 30, 2012)

The last session we went I told her i was going to start talking about the problem with sex.


----------



## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

Wow guess I can stop beating myself up thinking that I was being selfish and unreasonable!
Equal but Different: Sex In Marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

