# How much can one man take?



## KHC223 (Jul 30, 2012)

Been married for 9 yrs. now, My wife had four girls and I have no kids other than the step daughters. We have had a very event full 9 yrs. sold her home and mine and bought a larger one. Two grandchildren (one unexpected teen pregnacy 18 months after our wedding.) Two weddings. Cars, Boyfriends, College, Dealing with her ex-spouses (2). And trying to manage my business that this economy has turned upside down. My wife does work part time. After marrige info, she suffers from depresion and smokes pot from time to time. Now were talking perimenopause, ADA, and says she has a appointment to see a psychologist. There's alot more but to sum it up I love my step daughters and the grandchildren but I am in financial ruins our sex life is about the same. If we can get through a day without an argument it's a good day. Not sure how long I'm going to last.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sounds like a tough time, sorry to hear.

What do you have in place to de-stress? Working out? Eating right? Sleeping good?

Also, how old are the girls? If they are adults, are they supporting themselves?

Sounds like your wife is having a rough go too, but looks like she understands that she has a problem, which is a huge step.

Good luck man.


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## KHC223 (Jul 30, 2012)

I'm at my best if I'm working, the girls are adults exept for the 15 yr old so they do preety good at taking care of themselves there better money managers than my wife. The cycle of go to the mall by somthing now I feel good then see the bill now feel like crap, go back to the mall to feel good burried her acct. one time by 5 g's. The girls are here alot on the weekends thats actually a good thing my knows they would be crushed if I wasn't in there life.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, kids, money, and kids and money are the three biggest things that parents argue about.

As for kids, you and your wife have to separate their issues out of your lives as much as possible.

Money? My wife is the same... feel bad, but something. I just recapped the past 12 months of bills for my wife. Credit card purchases, atm withdrawals, house expenses, etc... It was a real wake up call for her. Strict budget, no credit cards. Spending money for the week for both of you. After that, nothing until next week.


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## KHC223 (Jul 30, 2012)

So the wife is going to see the psycologist (first appt.) given the problems she's been having I make the suggestion that I start going with to the doctor visits. My opinion is that any doc visit that has any importance it is a good idea to have a second set of ears. Is this a bad idea? She wiged out and said it was private I said what the H I'm your husband. Am I wrong on this?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If it's not general stuff, we go together for that reason alone 'a second set of ears'


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

If she wants to work on her own problems by herself that is her right. If you would like to go to counseling with her ask her if she'd be willing to go to marriage counseling with you along with her independent counseling.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Her counseling IS private. Be thankful that she is going. You could go to your own counseling, or suggest couples counseling...


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, let's see here:

Wife cheated on me, won't go too far into that.
I own 3 businesses on the side of my career. So I earn a pretty nice living, especially since I am only 31. 
My reaction because I am an idiot: take large doses of oral steroids, and see what happens. 
By doing that, I may have temporarily given myself a vasectomy, but I am not sure. Doctor doesn't know. 
Temporarily ruined my liver by taking a normal cycle of steroids, then ODing real heavy on strong steroids, and drinking a bit too much one night. 
Then got myself into some legal trouble...
That legal trouble drained my bank accounts, all of them, which totalled over 100k, and I am still facing charges.
Oh, and my boss told me to stop coming into work. He just wants me to email it, apparently I make the other employees uncomfortable, or intimidated. I am pretty big.

Oh, and my psychiatrist thinks I am heading for an emotional or mental breakdown. 



Trust me, I thought the exact same way you do. 

Just take what life throws at you, and find ways to loose yourself. I forget about my problems by watching the Sopranos, and working out. 
Helps me to forget. Don't know why, but it just does. Find out what helps you. It will do wonders, trust me.


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## step_raising (Feb 14, 2012)

I feel for you KHC223!

Sounds like you're getting taken advantage of... do you second guess your decision from 9 years ago - or are you just frustrated and need to vent?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

KHC223 said:


> So the wife is going to see the psycologist (first appt.) given the problems she's been having I make the suggestion that I start going with to the doctor visits. My opinion is that any doc visit that has any importance it is a good idea to have a second set of ears. Is this a bad idea? She wiged out and said it was private I said what the H I'm your husband. Am I wrong on this?


If it was marriage counseling, I'd say you both should be there. But since it is HER therapist, it's her alone time.

I was seeing a therapist and wouldn't have been so open with her if my wife had been there.


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## KHC223 (Jul 30, 2012)

step_raising said:


> I feel for you KHC223!
> 
> Sounds like you're getting taken advantage of... do you second guess your decision from 9 years ago - or are you just frustrated and need to vent?


There are times when I second guess myself but at this time I don't know that I could be without my stepdaughters or my wife and yes most likely being taken advantage of when it comes to my girls I expect that and it does'nt bother me, but when taken advantage of from my wife that's upsetting I expect more from her, frustrated and need to vent? oh ya. Thanks, Also I think it was a good idea to go alone to therapy if they want me involved they'll ask, she came home with a good attitude even thanked me for making dinner and got a little action last night. :smthumbup:


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Personaly when when I was younger and went to therapy it took my awhile to open up with my therapist let alone the people close to me, please don't take it as a personal insult when she says her talks with her psycologist are private it can be very hard to start to talk about your problems at first because it means you have to really face your problems.
Maybe in time she might feel more comfortable with you being involved with you attending sometimes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's her counseling so she gets to decide.

When my ex did IC I made the appointment and went to the first one. The reason I did that is because he's a smooth talker and I wanted the doc to know what was going on.

He did try to snowball the doc. The doc got what was going on. After that I did not go to his appointments. It's his job to make fix his issues. He never did fix them... we are now divorced. So I guess I don't know if my choice to go to the first appointment was right or wrong.. it just was.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

how much can one man take?

i dont know? But i know in most ways my life is probably easier than yours and i wonder sometimes that same question?

i know alot of guys that walk out on wives and families. i work with many in the company. They dont seem to eager to ever go back. Even if it costs them some money to be away.
i think you are buying peace.
Lot to be said for having peace.

sometimes i wonder myself.

Think you will find a good statistical percentage of it being the guy leaving the woman. 
soon as they walk out the door the costs financially are seen, but the headache level is probably about a tenth. And most guys not having custody of the kids, is probably because they choose not to have it. Figure they can see the kids a couple times, monthly, weekly whatever.
cut a check and send them back to the x wife.


i wonder what its like on the otherside honestly sometimes.
Because the ones i know of that walked, i dont see them too upset over it. Talked to one today in fact. wife is freakn out he is gone, he cuts his child support check and has a girlfriend he takes and leaves as he wants. 
He has zero intention of going back to his old life.
something to wonder about that.....
By in large, the ones i work with in the company have zero regrets walking out on their wives and families.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> ...kids, money, and kids and money are the three biggest things that parents argue about.


Can I make that into a bumper sticker?


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## KHC223 (Jul 30, 2012)

I'm not to worried about the money end of thing's, This is the second marrige for both of us and have a pretty good idea about how the money deal works. Kinda strange thinking about it, my first divorce I was concerned about the money.


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## KHC223 (Jul 30, 2012)

I think I may have figured somthing out about myself/situation, I keep complaining about not enough sex but the real underlieing problem (I think) is appreciation. I took on this family and have given everything, a large home,vacations every year,private school with me driving them to and from 3 to 4 days a week,wife's 5 grand boob job (I was very happy the way she was), and she complains about working part time. The girls on the other hand get it and very much appreciate what I have done. What I'm looking for is not prasies or gifts it's a sense or a knowing, how do you explain that? Tryed to last night didn't go so well. Told her our one daughter texts me I love you almost every other week, she said she's to busy at her (4 day a week job to be texting). Had to tell her that was a little week since she has always found time to burn up more min. than anyone else on the phone plan. ok sorry think I'm just venting now and thanks.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

For better or for worse... Marriage is a commitment, not a cake walk. The worse thing you could do is walk. Your wife needs you more than ever now. Take control & fix the problems.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Would your wife be open to reading a book with you? There are a couple of books that could be helpful to your situation. His Needs, Her Needs and Five love Languages. Have you thought about marriage counseling along with her independent counseling?

Some of the topics in His Needs, Her Needs mention his need for appreciation and her need for affection.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'd advise nixing the complaining, especially about sex. Focus on yourself. Work out, hang with your buddies, do stuff you like. Be the best you can be. Eventually she'll probably want to come along for the ride.


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## KHC223 (Jul 30, 2012)

Picked up a copy of NMMNG yesterday and only started to get into it and OMG can't believe how much I can see myself and allready seeing the mistakes I've made in my marriage. Also can see the curiosity in my wife. Will keep you posted on progress Thank's TAM.


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