# Confused. Problems RIGHT after getting married AND giving birth! Please help!



## confused427 (Jan 5, 2013)

I dont even know where to start. I gave birth to my son 8 months ago and 3 days after I came home from the hospital my husband and I got married. We did a small court house wedding. My husband is in the military and when you're in the military things have to move a little fast and plus he left for 6 weeks for training 10 days after our son was born. Long story short we needed to get the benefits from the military so we had to get married. We had been together though for a year before that. Things just happened so fast. He swore to me he loved me so much and he was marrying me because he wanted to not because we "had" to. He also promised me that all of our past is in the past from that point on. And by that I mean his ex girlfriend that I knew in my heart he was still in love with. They had been broken up for two years already but he kept talking to her and even talking to her behind my back when I asked him not to. He swore they were "just friends". Well after the baby was born and we got married just two weeks after, before he left for training he was using my laptop and I noticed he was acting weird about it because for some reason my computer saves passwords. I'm very intuitive about things like that. He said he was "cleaning out" his email and deleting all old email because he had like 2k or so built up from a long time. Well when he left for training I couldn't help myself and I looked into his email and what I found made me sick to my stomach. I found that yes he did delete all old emails and cleaned it out and only saved a few important ones so that part was true, but he also saved 12 emails from his ex that had naked pictures of her and dirty talk. At least (thank god) they were not recent ones, they were the ones from when they were still "talking" before him and I started dating. But the fact that instead of deleting them as well he purposely saved them. I confronted him and asked him why he did that, after of course denying it for 30 minutes he finally admitted it and when I asked him why he admitted it was because he was "remanissing" (dont know how to spell that) about when he was single. Then later on we fought about it again and he admitted he was thinking about the sex. I had a rough pregnancy and was on bed rest so we didnt get to have much sex during my pregnancy. But still hearing him say he was fantasizing about his ex and having sex with her and wanted to do so with visual images just stings so bad and now 8 months later I cant get over the hurt. I mean we had just started a family together! I cant help but feeling like our whole relationship was pointless and meaningless and it hurts so bad that he would be so insensitive. I keep going back and forth with it. Sometimes I dont think about it and I feel like I might love him and like I'm truly happy, then other times I hate him and I'm so mad and I dont think I can get over it and I cant help thinking so low about myself. Am I wrong for thinking and feeling this? What should I do? How do I get over this? I know I have to try for our son because he is most important and he comes first but I dont know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sure it's in your post.. how long ago did you find these emails and photos?

I can understand why you are so upset. He is wrong to keep them.

Has he deleted the emails and photos?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Men are pigs. The fact he kept the pics prove that. However, he should have had those deleted immediately. And the fact he admits to fantasizing about sex with the ex is just not right.

It seems to me he isn't committed to you or his new family. 

I might suggests a few months apart and then when the two of you come back together insist on seeing all his call logs, text logs and emails to either once and for all prove to you he either is or is not more interested in his ex than you. If he's been in contact with her or refuses to show you, he is guilty as charged. If not, maybe he's changing his ways.

And if he has still been in contact with her you can either live with him until he most likely leaves you for her or kick him out for good.


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## confused427 (Jan 5, 2013)

Oh I forgot to add that he also stated in his defense that he only had "intent" to use those pictures in a way that I dont want to think of, and that I shouldnt be so upset because he didnt do it. Buts thats only because I caught him and deleted the pictures and confronted him right away. But what if I didn't. He still would have done that! I hate how men try to defend themselves in a way that they try and make whatever they did sound not so bad. But it IS bad AND hurtful. Basically because of me he didnt get the chance to jack off to his ex gf's naked pictures and dirty emails, and in his head I shouldnt be mad because he didnt do it. That I know of that is. Keep in mind he did this literally RIGHT after I confided in him and told him how unsexy I felt with my post partum body and I asked him to be sensitive and to be faithful and not do anything like that. And he promised and said he would never do that and he loves me, blah blah, I'm his family, he made it all sound so good. But god it hurts I cant help feeling like he may think he married the wrong girl and like he only did it because he had to. How do I get over that?


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## confused427 (Jan 5, 2013)

Elegirl I found these emails 2 weeks after I gave birth to our son and after we got married. So it was 8 months ago now. They are deleted now but the only reason why they are deleted is because I deleted them.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Another thought. Most email systems have an archiving feature in the delete box to call up old emails deleted. Maybe try that and see what you find. I think you have earned the right to snoop a little.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The way you get over it is that you take care of yourself.

We are each responsible for protecting and maintaining our own self esteem. If you need to go to counseling to get over it, you do that.

Join a gym that has child care, or leave your baby with him, and go work out. Or better yet, have him go to the gym with you and you both work out. Make that part of your life.

Do you have friends where you live? Family?

Do you have a job?


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## confused427 (Jan 5, 2013)

Thank you thatbpguy. I have already checked his cell phone, email logs, etc just a couple times since then and there is no further contact with them I do know that for a fact. But after I saw those emails I did call his ex and not to be all like a crazy jealous girl but I just spoke nicely and asked her to please respect me and my new family and just to be honest and tell me if there was anything still going on. She of course lied and said they hadn't spoke in 2 years which I know was a lie. So I didnt get anything from her. But then my husband goes and calls HER he says because he wanted to "apologise" to her for me calling if I was rude and to explain why they couldnt be friends anymore which made me even more mad that he would call her after that. I dont know what to think about that either. But I can say that yes at least he has stopped contact that I have seen since then.


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## confused427 (Jan 5, 2013)

EleGirl thank you. He is military so I am a military wife. I dont know if you are familiar with that life but its very lonely. I have no one here. No friends or family. We move every couple years in the military. At first we were in hawaii and now we are in texas. My life consists of staying home and taking care of the house and baby everyday. And though I love spending time with my little man I still feel so alone and like I have no one. And all my husband and I do is fight about everything. Not to mention he has ptsd. Ugh there's so many problems.


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## confused427 (Jan 5, 2013)

EleGirl thank you. He is military so I am a military wife. I dont know if you are familiar with that life but its very lonely. I have no one here. No friends or family. We move every couple years in the military. At first we were in hawaii and now we are in texas. My life consists of staying home and taking care of the house and baby everyday. And though I love spending time with my little man I still feel so alone and like I have no one. And all my husband and I do is fight about everything. Not to mention he has ptsd and he wont get help for it. Ugh there's so many problems.


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