# VAR Discovery



## Joka (May 15, 2014)

Has anyone had their VAR discovered by the WS?
How did that go?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

How did she/he find the VAR?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I read on another board where a WW was in the middle of having sex in her van with her college student lover when he spotted the VAR. They had been having sex in the van for a while. Don't know what happened.

Just out of curiosity, if your alleged WW found the device, can you honestly explain why you put it there? If so and you fell justified in doing it, you should be able to hold your own.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

xakulax said:


> How did she/he find the VAR?


She has not found them yet. I feel it is only a matter of time though. It might be my paranoia. Whatever. I don't care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Joka said:


> She has not found them yet. I feel it is only a matter of time though. It might be my paranoia. Whatever. I don't care.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you didn't care, you wouldn't VAR, and you wouldn't post.
Whats your story? There are plenty of people here waiting to help who have been through the same trauma. Give more info and they can tell you all the mistakes they made so you won't. I wish you luck regardless.

Cheers,
V (13)


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

We are going to need more information if we are going to help you give us an idea of what we're dealing with here.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

I am not looking for advise. Just wanted to know if others had their VAR discovered and how they handled it.
My WW has been discovered by me and my VAR and after some time I have finally picked myself up off the floor and I am finally strong enough for me to tell my attorney to send the representation letter. It has been a long painful journey for me but I am good. 
Everyday through 2 VAR's I learned an awful lot. I don't know the person I married. 
It is amazing what is said behind your back and especially when the person talking is a narcissist and loves to brag, diarreah of the mouth, to her friends.
BS - 57 
WW 52
Dday 1-21-14 
Together 13 years
married 7 years


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I read on another board where a WW was in the middle of having sex in her van with her college student lover when he spotted the VAR. They had been having sex in the van for a while. Don't know what happened.


:iagree:

I remember that one too from the DC forum. If I remember correctly, they freaked out, then broke it and threw it away.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just pull the VARs. What else do you need to know at this point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Just pull the VARs. What else do you need to know at this point?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know, I know, I know. I think I am obsessed. No, I know I am.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Personally, I would keep them in place as long as she doesn't discover them. This is for tactical purposes, I would want to know what kind of plans she has against me. Its good to have intel on the enemy.

I remember ING didn't have a VAR but his source of intel was so effective, that he knew of every plan and tactic that his WW and OM were planning against him. WW and OM would discuss how they were going to gaslight ING, and he would know about it before they even tried it. That's why their lies were so ineffective.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> Personally, I would keep them in place as long as she doesn't discover them. This is for tactical purposes, I would want to know what kind of plans she has against me. Its good to have intel on the enemy.
> 
> I remember ING didn't have a VAR but his source of intel was so effective, that he knew of every plan and tactic that his WW and OM were planning against him. WW and OM would discuss how they were going to gaslight ING, and he would know about it before they even tried it. That's why their lies were so ineffective.


Agreed


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If she is close to finding them, as OP indicated, couldn't he get in big trouble?

Tough to figure out what's going on without any of the background.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> If she is close to finding them, as OP indicated, couldn't he get in big trouble?_Posted via Mobile Device_



What trouble? He put a VAR in the car. It's his car too.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Joka said:


> I am finally strong enough for me to tell my attorney to send the representation letter. It has been a long painful journey for me but I am good.
> Everyday through 2 VAR's I learned an awful lot. I don't know the person I married.
> It is amazing what is said behind your back and especially when the person talking is a narcissist and loves to brag, diarreah of the mouth, to her friends.


so sorry about your situation but sometimes the crude reality is what we need to do what is best for us. 

I remember two cases here but I am sure there are more.

If a remember correctly (I hope I am not mixing cases)

Thornburn, his wife found a Var and picked a fight with him and use that to win simphaty from her family about the bahaviour of her husband, but still he keep putting VARs everywhere (the car, the kitchen, the bedroom) and he eventually got his smoking gun, but for a while he have to put with the bahaviour of vicitim of his wife and her family that was being fooled by her.

This is probably the most common and easy to handle, but the next one is the really worriesome.

Almostrecovered, she found the VAR but never confronted him, what she did was to play along and (she used to invite the OM to "watch movies" with "almostrecovered" blessing at the time) she just had innocent talks with the OM as if they were really just friends, and keep fooling him because he tought that was it, until he hacked her face book account and discovered that they were doing that on porpouse and also found talks about quikies and...., well you know the rest.

VARs can be demoralizing as Thornbur and X-betaman have found, the most cruel case here was probably X-betaman who even had thoughts of giving up to cancer and letting himself die, thank GOD he found the strenght necessary to put himself together, he beat the crap of his POSOM, put his WW in her place now he hold the cards of whatever is comming.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> What trouble? He put a VAR in the car. It's his car too.


Well...that could be where the problem could come up. Its her company car. 
Risky business
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I'm pretty sure if you're recording without the person's consent you can face jail time. Might want to check up on your State laws. Especially if you think she is close to discovering the VAR.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

SoVeryLost said:


> I'm pretty sure if you're recording without the person's consent you can face jail time. Might want to check up on your State laws. Especially if you think she is close to discovering the VAR.


Nop, depending on the state it can be one person consent (meaning the person who is recording), ot two person, but this is just for leagl use, he wants te VAR to find the truth, besides let's be honest here he can always said that he forgot the VAR in such or such location there is no way she can proof it was otherwise (unless she VAR him LOL).


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Well, I'm not a lawyer but I don't think VAR in the car is considered one party consent, if OP Isn't in the car (regardless of who owns the car).

Like I said, if you are that nervous about it, pull it. You know she had an affair.

I wouldn't worry about jail time or prosecution. I've never heard of someone going to jail for recording their wayward spouse.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Well, I'm not a lawyer but I don't think VAR in the car is considered one party consent, if OP Isn't in the car (regardless of who owns the car).
> Yup. Its definetly illegal. These are special VARs. They dont look like anything but a small box about the size of a miniature thumb drive with a pin hole in it. It will pick up a fly farting 30 feet away. I can always sY I dont know what it is.
> 
> Like I said, if you are that nervous about it, pull it. You know she had an affair.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Well smaller is better. Mine is the size of early 2000s cell phone.

Hope everything works out for you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You've done a whole lot more than some betrayed men do. Since the legal process is now in motion I'd withdraw the VARs and start detaching. 

You've got what you needed


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> There was one poster in Europe whose wife was was having an affair with her (female) personal trainer. He put in a hidden camera which was found. WW flipped, called him a psycho, and left the marriage.
> 
> She was already out the door in any case, mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would be interesting if someone PM'd him to see how he is doing.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I wouldn't worry about jail time or prosecution. I've never heard of someone going to jail for recording their wayward spouse."

lol...yeah, me either.

I imagine its because even though WSs are scumbags, even they realize going in front of a judge and formally complaining, "My spouse illegally recorded me cheating on them", is likely to be humiliating for themselves, even if the law is technically on their side.

Most of them are aware that the negative exposure of their own sh***y behavior is not worth going after their BS with the law.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

well you could try the cheaters scrip:
You deny 
you gaslight
hey, often at times it work for the cheater


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

The VAR I used to catch my first wife was connected to the landline in our house. I found out everything the first day, but it did become an obsession. To this day my first wife has no idea how I was always one step ahead of her. She thought one of my police friends were tailing her and she became paranoid. Lol. The VAR did its job. I did have it hidden well in my house.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Umm… I was one of dumb BH’s. So at first I confronted the minute I found anything. So she found the keylogger, the snoop app, the gps tracker, and that I had access to the phone logs direct from the provider and not her phone (which she regularly wiped). Is it bad? lol… put it in perspective; Your wife is already cheating, lying, and probably regularly screaming at you for invading her privacy and ‘controlling behaviors’. Oh well… You just deal with it; and keep on doing it until you feel its pointless.

What you don’t do is stop because it ‘bothers her’. So her feathers get ruffled that you won’t just take her word on events… wonder why? And eventually, when the fog lifts and you start seeing remorse, that you do this isn’t a problem for them. They actually want you to know they’ve changed and it becomes almost a tool for them to prove it since they know their word means nothing anymore.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think there are two questions on whether to keep VARs in place.

1) What is the continued benefit of having the VARs in place? If an affair has been confirmed, it may be enough data to just know that. If there is legal benefit to proving an affair, work with your attorney (and possibly a PI) to get proof which is admissible in court.

2) What are the real legal risks involved? For example if she uses a hands-free cell phone system, the VAR would pick up both sides of a phone conversation. This would almost certainly be illegal, but the chances of prosecution would be miniscule. But if conversations or phone calls involve legally private information (e.g. medical information about clients) then it could be a significant breach of the law. The WS may choose to burn you for the VAR using the breach of medical privacy or the recording of two sides of a phone conversation. One would have to weigh the likelihood of the WS going scorched earth vs the possible benefits to the BS of any data which may be caught on the VAR.

If the VAR is carefully placed the risk of detection should be zero. As long as the WS has no reason to be suspicious there would be no reason for them to search. So follow the prime rule of never divulging your sources of intel, which means don't reveal info which will reveal your sources. Also deny everything if caught. She may have her own VAR running when confronting you. She says, "You put this VAR in my car!". If you admit it, she has proof for court. But if you deny it, she has no proof.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

Thor said:


> I think there are two questions on whether to keep VARs in place.
> 
> 1) What is the continued benefit of having the VARs in place? If an affair has been confirmed, it may be enough data to just know that. If there is legal benefit to proving an affair, work with your attorney (and possibly a PI) to get proof which is admissible in court.
> 
> ...


Deny Everything. That is what I figured I would do if caught. It doesn't look like a VAR so I can easily say I don't know what it is.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Joka said:


> Deny Everything. That is what I figured I would do if caught. It doesn't look like a VAR so I can easily say I don't know what it is.


Deny Deny Deny....

Then gaslight..."What are you trying to do. Are you trying to set me up with something. Why would you try and go that route? Who else would put that there? What are you hiding?"

And Blameshift.

Hmmm this plan sounds familiar.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Deny Deny Deny....
> 
> Then gaslight..."What are you trying to do. Are you trying to set me up with something. Why would you try and go that route? Who else would put that there? What are you hiding?"
> 
> ...


LOL :rofl:

then go underground and buy smaller VARs and hiddem better


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

manticore said:


> LOL :rofl:
> 
> then go underground and buy smaller VARs and hiddem better


lol… I do ‘redundancy’ so I also had the main cell account from the net auto-cc’ing all emails and texts to a secret email account I made, and a snooping application, and call records, and VAR, and keylogger (which got me email accounts (even highly illegal ones to have access to) and IM). So basically with surveillance, never just do ‘one thing’, do a backup too and have redundant systems in place in case they find one. Not one VAR… but a system. Don't go in half-arsed; All in or not.

You also need to understand what is at the heart of all this: Verifying the truth because of broken trust. This stuff can be used for both building and/or destroying the trust. For building; She might give you some far-fetched story about why you called work and she’d left for the day. But lucky you, you have gps, vars, and all that other stuff that will either verify enough of her story that it is probably the truth, or show it to be a complete fabrication. The more and more you find nothing, the easier it is to start believing and trusting her. (or the opposite). This stuff is just information you otherwise would just have to take her word on (which would be dumb to do if you know she’s a liar).


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Recording:

Best case scenario is what is referred to as a one-party state. In a one-party state any person may covertly record any conversation/contact that he/she is a direct party to without the further consent of others involved.

In the scenario of an unattended VAR, it is illegal to record unless it is a company owned property and the proper disclosures and agreements have been made, recorded and maintained on record. This would be things such as tac cards in trucking, etc. 

Should you record something/someone illegally, it is a violation of law and subject to many variables so far as outcome. Most likely though, any evidence gained from it is not admissible. You also risk pissing off the judge in your case.

That said, recording can provide great evidence when done properly and can provide great tactical advantage when done wisely.

Know the risks in your state, weigh them, and act accordingly.


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

I have been caught recently placing a VAR, but my situation is a little different. I found out my wife was cheating with a co-worker 10 years ago. After a one year separation (I asked her to leave and she did) she moved back in. Things have never been good since...she is BPD and comes from a family with issues, but I sucked it up for the kids. Last year she started communicating again with her NPD sister who had encouraged her have her affair, so I placed a couple VAR's around the house just so I would have advanced warning of what would surely be trouble. I also justified it thinking what I found would make me feel less guilty when I ultimately filed.

My son found it after six months and was justifiably unhappy that he was recorded as well. Once I explained to my wife why it was there, she understood (she knew at that point that I had heard some unpleasant things she said) and as a result, felt the need to explain to our sons why she had originally left the house 10 years ago and the role her sister had played. I had never told the kids she had an affair.

The end result? One son asked her who the AP was and when she told him, he cursed her out and left for several days. Turns out she had taken him to see AP so they could meet up, and then lied to him when he voiced his suspicions all those years ago. It took several more days for him to actually speak to her again. On the other hand, I feel a weight has been lifted from me as the bad guy for making their mother leave back then. 

I understand the urge to snoop though, it gives you back a small measure of control in an out control situation. Get it out of her company car though. That is definitely illegal.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

justastatistic said:


> Things have never been good since...she is BPD and comes from a family with issues, but I sucked it up for the kids.


My only objection here would be, why are you still enduring a bad situation after 10 years if the kids already know and have even taken your side.?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh geez, the legality issue. Do you speed ever? Just so you know, that is more punishable than recording another and a lot easier to be convicted of because it's clear cut. Name one person you know who's been busted for illegally recording something versus one you know who's gotten a speeding or parking ticket... 

Geez... just look at the Don Sterling stuff. Hmmm VAR + Ex-GF; I don't see charges being pressed even though those recordings have cause a ton of ramifications and financial issues. You folks worry too much....


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Racer said:


> Oh geez, the legality issue. Do you speed ever? Just so you know, that is more punishable than recording another and a lot easier to be convicted of because it's clear cut. Name one person you know who's been busted for illegally recording something versus one you know who's gotten a speeding or parking ticket...
> 
> Geez... just look at the Don Sterling stuff. Hmmm VAR + Ex-GF; I don't see charges being pressed even though those recordings have cause a ton of ramifications and financial issues. You folks worry too much....


I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying understand it. Know how to do it. Know what is and isn't useful in court later. I recorded both one-party(legal) and I recorded with cameras and VARs in both home and vehicle. Sometimes with long lens cameras as well. But I knew what was and wasn't going to court and how to properly use the non-court stuff. My ex on the other hand had a VAR on me and thought she had something useful. She tried having it admitted into the case. The judge was not happy about it and it did create a turning point for her as far as credibility and judge's favor.

As far as Don Sterling - The girlfriend was part of the conversation she was recording. So as of yet the recordings have been widely accepted as legal and useable.

But again. I'm not saying to "worry". I'm saying to "know" so you don't go in thinking you have hours of evidence and a made case, only to piss off your judge.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If a wayward discovered the VAR, who owes them anything anyway? Tell wayward, and anyone else who asks you don't feel like talking about it. You cannot be compelled. (well, a grand jury could, but only by granting you immunity)

No chance of being prosecuted or having a tort brought against you unless you admit to it. Not worth worrying about, and surely nothing some cheater should complain about.


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

manticore said:


> My only objection here would be, why are you still enduring a bad situation after 10 years if the kids already know and have even taken your side.?


The kids just found out as a result of the VAR. I stayed due to a combination of codependency and finances, the way the laws are written in my state I am on the hook to her FOR LIFE. However, there is a law pending in the legislature to change the alimony laws which I am hoping will pass and then it's freedom time.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

My wife came across some of the recordings after they were on my computer. She new better than to make a big deal. I told her I had video too.9 I didn't have any video but she didn't know that. I had been trying to filter out the hours of noise. At her work she parked close to HVAC system and background noise kept it recording all day every day. I also sent a few snippets to OM's wife. I don't do any type of recording or snooping of any kind. It was driving me nuts. I smashed the recorder.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

justastatistic said:


> ... the way the laws are written in my state I am on the hook to her FOR LIFE.


Tell me something, how many guys out there just leave the state and ignore any all court orders. Nice guys stick around .... and you know what they say about 'nice guys'.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I wouldn't worry about jail time or prosecution. I've never heard of someone going to jail for recording their wayward spouse.


Remember this case about the guy who snooped on his cheating W's email? Looked like he might be headed for the slammer, but charges were dismissed when it was revealed that the W had been doing the same thing!

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...DUL27mlsjwI1qbw&bvm=bv.66917471,d.aWw&cad=rja


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I say let the WS call the police if that is what they want to do. But that is just my opinion, others may feel differentially. They may have a change of heart when recordings are admitted as evidence and will then be public record.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

X-Betaman said:


> I had been trying to filter out the hours of noise. At her work she parked close to HVAC system and background noise kept it recording all day every day.


Visually would be the easiest: look for changes in the wave forms.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

justastatistic said:


> The kids just found out as a result of the VAR. I stayed due to a combination of codependency and finances, the way the laws are written in my state I am on the hook to her FOR LIFE. However, there is a law pending in the legislature to change the alimony laws which I am hoping will pass and then it's freedom time.


I hope you're not talking about the alimony reform in Florida. They're not bringing it up this year.


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

drhzhen said:


> Has anyone had their VAR discovered by the WS?


That was the original post...anyone?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Joka said:


> That was the original post...anyone?


Ignore it... Spam bot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Joka said:


> That was the original post...anyone?


In three years, I think I remember only one or two being discovered but it wasn't a big deal.

No one here has reported any kind of problem with the law regarding vars, snooping on computers or anything else against the law. On the contrary, what gets men in trouble is being falsely accused of attacking the wife. That's why vars should always be carried when dealing with a wayward spouse. Getting a protective order against you can take years to work out and totally screw up custody.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Double like
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> In three years, I think I remember only one or two being discovered but it wasn't a big deal.
> 
> No one here has reported any kind of problem with the law regarding vars, snooping on computers or anything else against the law. On the contrary, what gets men in trouble is being falsely accused of attacking the wife. That's why vars should always be carried when dealing with a wayward spouse. Getting a protective order against you can take years to work out and totally screw up custody.


Sounds about right


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Personally, I would keep them in place as long as she doesn't discover them. This is for tactical purposes, I would want to know what kind of plans she has against me. Its good to have intel on the enemy.
> 
> I remember ING didn't have a VAR but his source of intel was so effective, that he knew of every plan and tactic that his WW and OM were planning against him. WW and OM would discuss how they were going to gaslight ING, and he would know about it before they even tried it. That's why their lies were so ineffective.


Having an inside source is great but you have to know when to stop listening and intercepting. 
I was important in the scheme of things. The amount of time they spent discussing me was quiet amazing. 
It was hard to stop knowing. When I did I detachment became much easier. It also helped that I had a Girlfriend by then


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ing said:


> It was hard to stop knowing. When I did I detachment became much easier. It also helped that I had a Girlfriend by then


Please go explain this in the Jbird thread. I swear some people don't get this part.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife found two VARs. Did not tell me about the first one but I figured it out that she knew about. The second one she found she did get mad about it and told me.

Ironically, she took the one and I found where she hid it and then used them again in her car and got a lot on recording.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

My VAR is integrated into a USB stick. Looks just like one and functions the same - except it records. If found - It will look like a usb drive and I'll simply say OH thanks - I was wondering where that went. It must have fallen out of my pocket. I also keep it right next to my pc when monitoring the home.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I made my wife a greatest hits cd from a few of the recordings and put it in her car's CD player.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

waylan said:


> My VAR is integrated into a USB stick. Looks just like one and functions the same - except it records. If found - It will look like a usb drive and I'll simply say OH thanks - I was wondering where that went. It must have fallen out of my pocket. I also keep it right next to my pc when monitoring the home.


WOW, I haven't heard of that one.

Do you have a link? I did a very cursory google search and didn't find it.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Not discovered but came really close. It had fallen off the velcro under the seat and was just laying in the back floorboard when I went to retrieve it. I could see it through the window. I about sh!t. Luckily, she never saw it.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Spam bot broken. Must recode.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> Tell me something, how many guys out there just leave the state and ignore any all court orders. Nice guys stick around .... and you know what they say about 'nice guys'.


I would bet not many with kids...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Joka said:


> I know, I know, I know. I think I am obsessed. No, I know I am.


I'd just list it on FB........ and let people listen to it and let THEM find out about it that way.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> WOW, I haven't heard of that one.
> 
> Do you have a link? I did a very cursory google search and didn't find it.


This is the one I purchased: link

Voice quality has been excellent.


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