# Is he having an affair?



## heywhatsgoingon (May 31, 2011)

Been married 13 years and its not been going well for a few years now. I got back from a business trip on Saturday night, then Sunday my husband told me he had to work that evening. He works on a farm normally with the plants, but this was milking the cows. He didn’t get home until gone 2300. When he came in, he was wearing “nice” clothes; jeans & sweater. His flies were open. He didn’t come over to me, but was in the happiest mood, I’ve seen him in for months/years. He said it because he’d been able to milk the cows by himself. Then he got straight into the shower (not usual) before sitting on the opposite sofa in a dressing gown. I made sexually suggestive comments, which he unusually avoided and said he didn’t feel well. He started to doze on the sofa. I decided to find his clothes & tidy up after him (thinking they’d stink of cows & he’d of dumped them or put them in with my washing) I found his clothes in his personal cuboard. Dirty jeans, but no bad smell dry & unwashes. But his pants were wet & smelled of fresh soap, he’d washed them, rung them out & put them in amongst his clothes instead of in the wash basket. And his jumper was still clean and smelled nice, like flowers, not cows. Returning to the lounge, I sat on his sofa. He woke up. I made advances to him, he was overly sensitive, saying “it tiggles” something he’s never said before, he pushed my hand away & again said he didn’t feel well. I don’t make the first move that often, but he’s never ever, turned down sex before and usually he’s the one pushing for it.
I’ve asked him a few times about how much money he’ll bring in, as he’s done so many hours this month, but he tells me, he can’t book all his hours at once, that he’ll have to spread them out over the next few months, otherwise he’ll loose most of it in tax. He tells me he’s not worked than much, as there’s gaps when there’s nothing to do or he has lunch breaks, but then he said he had to work longer last night as he came home at lunch, so he had an hours work to catch up & finish.
He’s started to wear his nicest clothes to work & make an effort on his appearance, showering regularly and doing his teeth more often and brushing his hair which he’s never done before. He’s being nice to me which is nice but unusual, phoning me when he’s at work, asking what I’m doing, buying me little gifts. 

Am I just being paranoid or should I be worried about this behavior equalling another women? We’ve argued for 2+ years about how miserable he is, how he doesn’t make an effort with himself or me, so I don’t want to confront him incase he’s just making an effort for a change. But then I don’t feel like the effort is for me.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Don't even say anything about his behavior. Start gathering evidence. If something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Sorry but all i can think to say is..........."how can he resist?"










______________________"Mooooooo"___________________


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## heywhatsgoingon (May 31, 2011)

I've questioned him a few times already, not sit down interigation, more like "why so cheerful", "you look nice to go to work". He's usually a man of few words, but recently he's given long detailed answers or change the subject. What should I be asking or what "evidence" should I be looking for?


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## figment (May 27, 2011)

I just finished having an affair. If my husband would have asked me a direct question "are you having an affair with X," I know that I couldn't have lied. I still don't think I could today. So I think you should both ask the direction question--repeatedly if necessary--see if he looks away. As well as asking him to detail point by point where he has been, time-frames, etc. Don't let up. I could not have handled this at all and would have come clean totally. The direct Q would have been enough for me--the other stuff I've learned in my profession, which I will not reveal but I know how to investigate.

Ask, ask, ask.

And FYI unfortunately sounds like affair behavior to me. Sorry.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Just like every other thread title I see like this, prior to opening the thread I say to myself "lol, of course"... I often wonder when Im going to open one of these threads and at least find myself thinking.... "hmmmmm, well maybe not..."... It's not this thread. Maybe some day. But I wont hold my breath. 

yes, he is.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

_Something_ is clearly going on -- whether it's an affair, or private masturbation (maybe with porn?), or something else that is too odd to ignore.

I'd do some digging first... cellphone, computer - email, chat, browing history, Facebook, etc., phone, and credit card history. See if anything jumps out or is the smoking gun... I'd also work at either following him or tracking him, ie, timing his trip fro mthe time he says he is leaving to the time he returns? Anything that can point to hime telling you less than the truth, if not the opposite.

THEN I'd sit him down -- with or without 'evidence', and get him talking & explaining to your satisfaction about what is going on here, why everything is so different, enough so that you are alarmed for the future of your marriage. He needs to know you are serious and not going to accept it being fluffed off as 'nothing'.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

figment said:


> I just finished having an affair. If my husband would have asked me a direct question "are you having an affair with X," I know that I couldn't have lied. I still don't think I could today. So I think you should both ask the direction question--repeatedly if necessary--see if he looks away. As well as asking him to detail point by point where he has been, time-frames, etc. Don't let up. I could not have handled this at all and would have come clean totally. The direct Q would have been enough for me--the other stuff I've learned in my profession, which I will not reveal but I know how to investigate.
> 
> Ask, ask, ask.
> 
> And FYI unfortunately sounds like affair behavior to me. Sorry.


You must be the exception. Most cheaters, when nailed, deny, deny, deny. They even turn the tables and make the betrayed spouse question their own sanity. For this reason, I always say have your proof in hand before confronting.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He is cheating.


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