# Talking to boyfriend about erectile problem



## dove (Aug 22, 2018)

Hi all. My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. There's a 30-year age gap between us. When we first started dating, it was a while before we became intimate. During that time, he kept talking about how great the sex is going to be and how good he is. Once we attempted to become intimate, he couldn't perform. We tried repeatedly over time with no success then he confessed that he knows he has erectile dysfunction because of an enlarged prostate (Age may play a part also) and can't take meds. for it because of a secondary problem. He had also gone on about how he drives women mad with his oral sex skills, but I was not impressed with that either. So the many times we attempted to have sex, it was him humping on top of me with a flaccid penis and no penetration. When I didn't react, he would perform what I consider lackluster oral until I re-enacted the When Harry Met Sally restaurant scene to get him to stop. I guess I was wrong to fake, but I didn't have the heart to tell him he was doing nothing for me especially after all the talk about how great he thinks he is.

I started avoiding intimacy with him but didn't leave because I would just use toys by myself. The problem is he started continually bringing up sex, how we never have sex, how he likes/desires sex, the way my butt looks when I bend over, and feeling me up when we're together. He even pulled up a porn video one day. I ignored all of this because attempting to have sex is an exercise in futility. Now, he's become passive aggressive towards me because of it. Am I being unreasonable? Is there a gentle way to discuss this with him without crushing his manhood? I'm thinking it may be time to walk away especially since we have another major issue that doesn't involve sex. Any suggestions?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Why can’t you try to have sex, and if he can’t rise to the occasion, ask him to use your toys on you?

And there are parts of sex that are fantastic that aren’t PIV.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Why are you dating a man 30 years older than you to begin with?

Why can't he take meds? Have you looked into any herbal remedies for ED?


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

It sounds to me like you two have some sexual incompatibility issues. Those rarely get better with time - especially if he is unable to take medication to help his issue (which only compounds your issues together). Plus, it sounds like you are having difficulty communicating truthfully with him, which is never a good sign. And, you mentioned another issue you are struggling with. I'd move on. Find someone with whom you are compatible.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

dove said:


> So the many times we attempted to have sex, it was him humping on top of me with a flaccid penis and no penetration. When I didn't react, he would perform what I consider lackluster oral until I re-enacted the When Harry Met Sally restaurant scene to get him to stop. I guess I was wrong to fake, but I didn't have the heart to tell him he was doing nothing for me especially after all the talk about how great he thinks he is.


I'd suggest you find a way to "have the heart" to end this relationship. I don't know how old he is, but regardless of his age, it sounds like he doesn't satisfy you. 

Granted, you may like him very much and he may be the greatest guy in the world. But if he doesn't rock YOUR world, it is time to move on.

P.S. - I'm curious to know how long you two have been involved and how old he is.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

8 months is a while, you obviously care for him, but it may be time to move on and find someone your age who is more suitable. 

30 years is a huge age Gap.

30 vs 60
20 vs 50
40 vs 70

There's alot more in life to explore and it's nice to have a life partner to do that with.

Since your not married, I think it's time to gracefully bow out.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If it's true that he can't take meds for his ED, what is the point of having a talk about it? 

30 year age gap - check
Erectile disfunction - check
Other health issues - check
Delusional about his ability to please a woman sexually - check
Passive aggressive - check
Other relationship problems - check
Less than a year invested - check

End this mercifully. The situation will only deteriorate over time. If you think you're unhappy now, spend a few more years with him


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## dove (Aug 22, 2018)

Thanks for the responses @Kamstel We've tried to have sex so many times without success, that I stopped trying. I haven't asked about him using toys on me because I didn't want to hurt/offend him but I guess I should have brought it up instead of just disconnecting.
@BioFury We were friends and a relationship developed over time. He can't take meds because of another health problem. He takes these herbal pills, but I don't see a change.
@KM87 That's kind of what I'm thinking, and my difficulty communicating truthfully comes from the other issue which is his poor communication skills. When we try to talk about an issue in the relationship, he literally storms off or hangs the phone up then goes dark for a few days. Maybe I already know what to do...I don't know.


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## dove (Aug 22, 2018)

@Prodigal It's been 8 months of dating. I knew him for about a year before we started dating.

@Inloveforeverwithhubby Yes, I care for him especially since we knew each other and got along great before the dating started.

@zookeeper You're right about everything you said. I have to work up the nerve to bow out gracefully like Inloveforeverwithhubby suggested. It's harder since I knew him as a friend first, but I see now that it has to be done.

Edit: Zookeeper, your list really brought the whole situation into focus. I never looked at the whole picture like that. Thank you.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

@dove I think you do know what you should do. You can't have a good relationship without good communication (as you know). No issues can ever be resolved without open, honest and receptive communication. If he's unwilling to communicate, do yourself a favor and end this relationship now.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

dove said:


> Hi all. My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. There's a 30-year age gap between us. When we first started dating, it was a while before we became intimate. During that time, he kept talking about how great the sex is going to be and how good he is. Once we attempted to become intimate, he couldn't perform. We tried repeatedly over time with no success then he confessed that he knows he has erectile dysfunction because of an enlarged prostate (Age may play a part also) and can't take meds. for it because of a secondary problem. He had also gone on about how he drives women mad with his oral sex skills, but I was not impressed with that either. So the many times we attempted to have sex, it was him humping on top of me with a flaccid penis and no penetration. When I didn't react, he would perform what I consider lackluster oral until I re-enacted the When Harry Met Sally restaurant scene to get him to stop. I guess I was wrong to fake, but I didn't have the heart to tell him he was doing nothing for me especially after all the talk about how great he thinks he is.
> 
> I started avoiding intimacy with him but didn't leave because I would just use toys by myself. The problem is he started continually bringing up sex, how we never have sex, how he likes/desires sex, the way my butt looks when I bend over, and feeling me up when we're together. He even pulled up a porn video one day. I ignored all of this because attempting to have sex is an exercise in futility. Now, he's become passive aggressive towards me because of it. Am I being unreasonable? Is there a gentle way to discuss this with him without crushing his manhood? I'm thinking it may be time to walk away especially since we have another major issue that doesn't involve sex. Any suggestions?


My suggestion is to leave him. He mislead you that he has ED and that it cannot be treated as of yet for him. That is a big lie. Plus he sucks at oral and puts you on the spot. Lying about an O is not going to help. You will just learn to resent him then hate him. 

Just tell him it is not working out an break up. Him being 30 years older than you he knows the score. If he can't handle it too bad, Not your problem. Him being 30 years older than you implies he should already know how to get rejected by someone 30 years younger.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I do not fully understand the dynamics of your relationship but it sounds like you are better off as friends.

It sounds like he is attracted to you but cannot do much about it - must be frustrating for him. And to be absolutely truthful here, it sounds like you are not attracted to him sexually but want to please him (for reasons you have not quite explained here).

How old are you both ?


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## dove (Aug 22, 2018)

To address the elephant in the room, there is no financial gain from our relationship like one may expect with such a large age gap. I'm self sufficient. When we go out, he pays and when he comes over, I make elaborate meals (I love to cook) on my dime.
@KM87 Yes, I agree.
@Broken_in_Brooklyn You're right also, and I should not have overlooked the lie so easily.
@manfromlamancha 40 and 70


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

@dove, one thing. Dies he actually 'listen' to you in bed? I mean paying really close attention to satisfying you orally and with his fingers. Clearly not. 

I say thus in that he should have figured that out in general by now considering his age. Does he listen in all other areas? 

If so is gently teaching him an option? Or is he bull headed in bed?


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Dove you may have too much water under this bridge and I dont know if you can salvage this. If you truly care and want to stay which I'm doubting u have to have an honest talk with him if not find a gracefull way out. Good luck


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well, he wouldn't be the *first *guy to brag about his sexual ability and then suck in bed (and not in a good way).

I can't imagine why someone who is intelligent, independent and self sufficient would choose to date someone old enough to be her father but I guess you have your reasons. 

Sadly, the reason he thinks he's such a stud between the sheets is due to women who fake their orgasms and make him think that. He'll go on to the next woman and tell her how 'talented' he is because of the Oscar-worthy performance you put on for him and likely the women who put on the same show before you. Faking just guarantees he'll put on more lackluster performances in the future and think he's a sex God. 

Be done with this guy already.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

You are 40 and he is 70. This is the issue. dump him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

at 70 years old, probably the majority of men that age and beyond have at least mild or sever ED. 
(one study i looked at said 60% of men in their 60's and it stopped there, so you can extrapolate).

so the shame in it is not that he suffers from ED, but that he denies it and brags about his prowess.


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## Fredrick (Aug 6, 2018)

There have some good remedies for erectile dysfunction. Why not to search in google for more details.


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## dove (Aug 22, 2018)

Thank you, everyone. Your advice has helped give me an aerial view of my relationship. I met with him today and told him I care about him but I couldn't continue in a relationship with him because I don't think we're compatible as a couple. He asked why, and I told him that his storming out or hanging up whenever we attempted to discuss an issue was not effective communication and meant that no issue ever got resolved. All the unresolved issues were like open wounds. I also told him that we weren't sexually compatible because he desired sex more than I did (That's all I said about the sex which was technically true in our relationship. I didn't have the heart to say more). He was upset and told me that I'm not perfect either then left. So that's that.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

There's absolutely no way to talk to him about it without crushing him, no. There's a possibility that you react differently to his touch than other women, and there's a chance that the other women were faking it like you did when he performed oral on you. It's things like that, that causes a man to think he's fantastic in the bedroom. I'm guilty of that as well, as I have a really hard time orgasming with a man. I never have, in fact, and I used to fake it, then got smart and just enjoyed the journey. 

So yeah, if you do talk to him about it, make it NOT about him, make it about yourself, and don't blame him, or make him think that it's his fault. That will crush him and his manhood. 

In all honesty though, from what you described, I would probably just cut my losses and walk away from this one. If sex is an issue now, it'll always be an issue (been there done that in a marriage nonetheless, and will be divorced next month). And, if there are other issues on top of it, it might just be better to walk away.

And, I just read a few posts before posting this. I'm also 40, and my Dad just turned 70...


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

dove said:


> Thank you, everyone. Your advice has helped give me an aerial view of my relationship. I met with him today and told him I care about him but I couldn't continue in a relationship with him because I don't think we're compatible as a couple. He asked why, and I told him that his storming out or hanging up whenever we attempted to discuss an issue was not effective communication and meant that no issue ever got resolved. All the unresolved issues were like open wounds. I also told him that we weren't sexually compatible because he desired sex more than I did (That's all I said about the sex which was technically true in our relationship. I didn't have the heart to say more). He was upset and told me that I'm not perfect either then left. So that's that.


Perfect, he gave you an easy out. Walked away, keep walking.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dove said:


> Thank you, everyone. Your advice has helped give me an aerial view of my relationship. I met with him today and told him I care about him but I couldn't continue in a relationship with him because I don't think we're compatible as a couple. He asked why, and I told him that his storming out or hanging up whenever we attempted to discuss an issue was not effective communication and meant that no issue ever got resolved. All the unresolved issues were like open wounds. I also told him that we weren't sexually compatible because he desired sex more than I did (That's all I said about the sex which was technically true in our relationship. I didn't have the heart to say more). He was upset and told me that I'm not perfect either then left. So that's that.


For a 70 year old, he sounds incredibly immature. Good riddance I say, you are both too old to be playing passive aggressive games, worthy of a couple of teenagers. 
Find a man who is comfortable in his own skin and who does not throw tantrums when the conversations is not going his way.


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## Spirit (Nov 8, 2016)

Dearest Dove,
You go girl! There are a lot of young and handsome looking men out there. 

Sent from my LG-H873 using Tapatalk


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