# why doesnt he want me



## katem (Jan 9, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for two years and he never seems to want me anymore. A lot has happened over that time including having two babies. Over the course of two back-to-back pregnancies I ended up gaining a lot of extra weight but soon after having my second I lost 50 lbs and he seemed to be more into me when I was pregnant/heavier but he definitely encouraged me to lose the weight. I just don't understand. I always feel rejected. I can understand if he is stressed or tired once in a while but it is more often than not and I am always the one to initate sex. It just seems like he plays video games for hours on end, works a physical labor job and leaves no energy for me. Or maybe its something else. We have a lot of trust in our relationship and he isn't the type of guy that would hide anything from me very well so I just don't know what the deal is. What should I do?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think you need to talk to him and ask him . tell him you need more from the relationship for it to continue.
what you have said in your thread, you need to tell him to his face.
its awful feeling lonely and rejected and your right you have done alot in 2 yrs and lots of things do change.
what about a night out together.
then it gives you chance to talk.


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## katem (Jan 9, 2009)

It's hard. I have tried to talk to him but maybe I just havent done it in the right way because he really seems not to want to open up to me about what he likes or why he doesn't want to have sex very often. I really have been trying to spice it up lately, I bought some sexy lingerie, lit candles, surprised him when he comes home from work etc. and sometimes he is up for it and sometimes he isnt but it hurts that he wont be open with me. If you can't be open with me. Also, it bothers me that I can plan a romantic night and even that wont get him in the mood. It's also hard because we have two babies. So in my mind, I want to take advantage of the opportunity when they are napping or asleep. We went out for our anniversary both years and each time we took the girls over to my parents to spend the night we had a romantic dinner and movie date and when we came back he didn't want to have sex. It kinda hurts when I go to all this effort to make it so romantic.. It's not just that I want sex, but I want to be intimate and close to my husband. Not to mention I get a release from having an o that relieves a lot of stress for me and i think you said its the same for you.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

does he in general have a low sex drive.
if this is the case - you might have to find a new balance. 
where yu might have to accept his drive is lower than yours.
ive been through this and yep its frustrating.
yes your right sex for me is a stress reliever. 
i did wi my H , have to keep on and i stil do.
sometimes just to get it, i just jumped on him to get my way.
sometimes it felt one sided - but in the end i had needs.
i suppose they mattered more at times.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I haven't had kids yet so I can't really speak as to how it affects a womans sex life. However If everything else is going okay in the marraige then you might want consider things you can do to get him more interested in sex.

I don't think men really notice when their sex drive lowers, it just doesn't seem to occupy the same position in their brains anymore like its been pushed out by something else

Maybe for a while you might want to consider sex as something you do *to your husband* rather than with him. I know it sounds wrong your husband isn't making the effort so you have to. Also it might mean that for a little while you might not have your orgasm while your husband does. After a couple of times you can shift the onus back onto him, ie you'll bring it for the first couple of times but then he'll have to come and get it.

Also what turns men on changes over time, they like to be dominant/submissive, they like you to act ****ty / Girly , they like spontaneous/ planned, even the type of lingerie that turns them on changes.

Like I mentioned on other threads I'm pretty indulgent of my hubby just so long as he keeps making the effort.If a guy is struggling sexually then doggy style despite the horrid name is your friend, they feel less self conscious if they start to lose it then they can take a minute and sort themselves out, it really does help.

Anywho I hope it all works out for you.


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## iheartlamps (Jan 4, 2009)

Talk with him and be blunt, sometimes it's the only way to realize there is a problem.


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## katem (Jan 9, 2009)

Thank you all, Sarah, I guess since he won't be open with me i will try a lot of different things and see what works. I have tried some things and some of them seem to help like the lingerie. He liked the feel of the silk so i'll have to do that more often. I guess sometimes i just get tired of doing all the work and take it personally because i relate sex to how much you love a person and i dont think he does he can be perfectly happy just cuddling but a lot of times i want more. I will just be more agressive like you guys have been saying and hopefully it jump starts him or we can come to some sort of comprimise at least Like you were saying justean i do have needs and like i make him dinner and do his laundry and whatever other needs/emotional or other that he has he also needs to realized that sex is a need for me


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