# Grass Not Always Greener



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

My wife left me this year after having her second affair, only this time she got pregnant. She moved into a rental home and I thought she was going to be happy since she now has her own place and a new man. She has complained of being depressed and lonely. She said the other guy was going to step up and be there for her but my gut says he isn't do so, or why would she be depressed and lonely. Financially things are rough too because she runs her own business and barely makes enough to pay her bills. Fortunately she is not asking me for any money other than the car payment and I will continue to support our son without court orders. I am upset about how our marriage has turned out but I am glad she isn't dragging me through a legal battle. I retained the attorney and will be getting the settlement and divorce papers issued. It sucks for me to be single in terms of taxes but for her with a new baby she is better of being single to get state financial aid. I doubt this other guy can truly be there as much as she wants because he has other kids and other baby mamas to deal with. 

On one hand I am somewhat glad to see her suffering for her decision but I also feel she doesn't have the right to be depressed. That may sound stupid but I think it was stupid of her to plot and plan her exit of the marriage but then only to put herself in a worse position. I think the pregnancy is what has her messed up the most. She resented me for not wanting more kids and eventually a doctor said she couldn't get pregnant again due to reproductive health issues, but she still conceived despite using birth control. I think it was God's way of finally telling her to sit down and stop screwing around. If she had not gotten pregnant I think she would have continued to carry on the affair instead of leaving but she knew I would not be able to forgive and reconcile a pregnancy by the affair.

I did start seeing a counselor to vent some issues instead of talking to family and friends about it. What I found strange is that the counselor asked a few times about whether I would consider reconciliation. I was surprised to hear that. Yes I do miss the woman I married but I was willing to let the first affair go but this time my wife said she wanted to leave. At first she said she couldn't be the woman I needed and it wasn't fair to keep dragging me down. A week later she told me about the affair and pregnancy. I don't want her to struggle but I think the days of us as husband and wife need to end. 

One good thing about me is that I am an introvert. I always felt it was a curse but the positive thing about it is that it has kept me out of a lot of drama and allowed me to lead a peaceful life. I was not a very emotionally supportive husband but I kept a stable home, made sure all of the bills were paid, and let me wife live out her life despite my insecurities about what was going on. She is a big extrovert and always needed attention from people and that made cheating very easy for her. I also had interests in having my own affairs but the built-in introverted programming kept me focused on my job and home and not seeking out other women. 

For now I am being still. This summer I am going to relax and enjoy some trips with my son. August through November will be very busy months with work on a major project and I can't afford to be distracted. I did try to do a lot of social things over the past month but it became exhausting and expensive. But eventually I need to get into the dating game but really need to decide what I want in my next relationship. The major thing that went missing with my wife was friendship. We had great fun prior to marriage but when real life hit it all went downhill. I'm much wiser now and know myself better and really need to decide if I am true husband material or not.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You seem very self aware. Do not be surprised if she continues to reach out for emotional support. Ex's have a bad habit of doing that. Famous themes on TAM "Ex's are Ex for a reason, stay away. Each time she does try to discuss issues other then your son or money, polite inform her it is a subject to discuss with POSM and you do not to intrude on that relationship and suggest she seek support groups on line, friends, etc.


----------



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

JohnA said:


> You seem very self aware. Do not be surprised if she continues to reach out for emotional support. Ex's have a bad habit of doing that. Famous themes on TAM "Ex's are Ex for a reason, stay away. Each time she does try to discuss issues other then your son or money, polite inform her it is a subject to discuss with POSM and you do not to intrude on that relationship and suggest she seek support groups on line, friends, etc.


So far she has not been seeking anything from me for emotional support but the separation is still young. We have only spoken a couple of times regarding what got us to this point and what we are going through now. I suggested that she find a counselor or someone to confide in so she does not feel extremely lonely. And despite the fact that she did some bad things, she does need to find a way to be positive and move on with the new path. I do want to her be well since she has our son with her most of the time. Right now he is with her during weekdays. I am usually off on weekends when her work is the busiest. However, I am aware of the necessity of keeping certain boundaries. 

I am also aware of how I contributed to the downfall of the marriage, and those issues need fixed before another relationship. I didn't make her cheat but I help contribute to an atmosphere that led to her feeling like she had to seek outside attention. Many of us may feel that at some point but some of us lack the fortitude to keep still and be faithful.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Wow, 

She sounds like poison. I'd politely advoing her like the plague.

You on the other hand sound like you will be alright! Don't be suprised if you get a lot of attention from the ladies. Choise wisely grasshopper.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Have you reached a settlement yet? On one of your other threads posters have warned you, don't believe it will turn nasty until she signs on the dotted line.


----------



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Have you reached a settlement yet? On one of your other threads posters have warned you, don't believe it will turn nasty until she signs on the dotted line.


The settlement papers are being drafted by my lawyer.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

knight185 said:


> So far she has not been seeking anything from me for emotional support but the separation is still young. We have only spoken a couple of times regarding what got us to this point and what we are going through now. I suggested that she find a counselor or someone to confide in so she does not feel extremely lonely. And despite the fact that she did some bad things, she does need to find a way to be positive and move on with the new path. I do want to her be well since she has our son with her most of the time. Right now he is with her during weekdays. I am usually off on weekends when her work is the busiest. However, I am aware of the necessity of keeping certain boundaries.
> 
> I am also aware of how I contributed to the downfall of the marriage, and those issues need fixed before another relationship. I didn't make her cheat but I help contribute to an atmosphere that led to her feeling like she had to seek outside attention. Many of us may feel that at some point but some of us lack the fortitude to keep still and be faithful.


Have you read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"? If not, you might benefit quite a bit from reading them--before you get into another relationship.


----------



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Have you read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"? If not, you might benefit quite a bit from reading them--before you get into another relationship.


I read several books after the first affair but it was too late for this marriage. We didn't do enough work to really make it work after the first affair and that lead to her second affair and request for divorce. The short and simple answer is that we went into marriage without having very clear understanding of expectations and reality. So when the euphoria of engagement went away and real life came in, we didn't handle things well at all. You live and learn and sometimes learn the hard way.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

knight185 said:


> I read several books after the first affair but it was too late for this marriage. We didn't do enough work to really make it work after the first affair and that lead to her second affair and request for divorce. The short and simple answer is that we went into marriage without having very clear understanding of expectations and reality. So when the euphoria of engagement went away and real life came in, we didn't handle things well at all. You live and learn and sometimes learn the hard way.


I was not suggesting that you read the books to help fix this marriage. There is a reason why I suggest these books... not all books are as good.


----------



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I was not suggesting that you read the books to help fix this marriage. There is a reason why I suggest these books... not all books are as good.


I know what you meant. The lessons learned in the books I read would have helped me if implemented years beforehand. I was wiling to forgive the affair and move on. Although I didn't make her have an affair I contributed to her feeling abandoned. However, the affair damaged her too much and she was too far gone. Certain experiences and memories can poison recovery attempts if the proper work to overcome is not done.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

knight185 said:


> I know what you meant. The lessons learned in the books I read would have helped me if implemented years beforehand. I was wiling to forgive the affair and move on. Although I didn't make her have an affair I contributed to her feeling abandoned. However, the affair damaged her too much and she was too far gone. Certain experiences and memories can poison recovery attempts if the proper work to overcome is not done.


You are taking far too much responsibility for your wife's affair,you may be an introvert and maybe you were not "emotionally" there for her but it was her choice to sleep with at least two different guys and reading between the lines you seem to be suggesting it was even more.
Two things strike me here.One is that you say her business is not doing well,in that case prepare for her to come after you for as much as she can get.The other thing is stay away from her.If you sleep with her even once then adultry is off the table in any divorce settlement,in a lot of states anyway.


----------



## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Women are great for blaming everyone except themselves when they cheat. I learned this when I caught my wife for the second and last time. Move on and divorce her as quick as you can.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

The only concerns for you should be JUST with your son and what every requirements you need to do legally regarding him and the divorce.

If the pregnacy and such is too much of a hassle, she could alway abort or adopt. Either way - NOT YOUR problem. It sucks that your son will have a half-sibling from an affair... so its a bit of a Crappy relationship that he will be stuck with... more so than you.

Don't lift a finger. Don't listen to her crying over how she screwed up and wants to "come back" - so you can help raise her bastard affair baby while the POSOM runs off and bangs other wives, etc.

Say "that is not my responsabilty, call butt-face - that is yours and his problem. BUh-bye"


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@knight185, not to put too fine a point on it, but she should already be in the pile called, "not my problem anymore." She's an adult and responsible for her own choices in life. Was she ever alone, without a man to support her (emotionally or otherwise) for any stretch of time in her life? If not, that's pretty telling. 

It's not your job to save her. She's likely pregnant and scared because deep down she knows her AP won't step up to play the role she desperately needs. You were more dependable, the person who was grounded, so of course she's sending out feelers. 

She needs to learn that when we f-up, it's our responsibly to own it and deal with it, not other people's job to fix it for us. The same was true in your marriage. If unhappy, it was her responsibility to find a solution that didn't involve cheating on you. Saying or hinting that your introverted nature is what drove her to an affair is rich (if that's what she did). That is shirking personal responsibility, and a child does that. You don't need another child. You need a woman who owns her stuff and knows how to take care of getting her needs met with minimal casualties in her wake.

Communicate with her regarding your son, but not over anything else not needed. When she says she's lonely you should be answering, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on. Don't be her emotional gauze pad and don't get sucked in. It will vastly set back your own healing.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Satya, Amem


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Not your circus, not your monkey anymore.

You owe her what the court says you owe in the final decrie. Not a thing more.


----------



## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

That grass is not always greener reminds me about a couple of old friends and their thoughts on infidelity, etc

1. lawrence - "All cats are gray in the dark" - 
2. Vern: "***** hopping is a full time business"

back in the 70s we all worked at the same company and there were a lot of married guys screwing around with secretaries.


----------

