# Need advice. Potentially cause marriage problem, or lose good client.



## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

First before I explain my situation let me say that I love my wife with all my heart and would never intentionally do anything to hurt her or jeopardize our marriage.

Now, on to my situation: without giving too much detail, I am the owner of a company that provides consulting services to other businesses. A couple months ago we picked up a very nice account that would like to use us to help develop a large campaign for them as well as provide continuous consulting services.

So, on my first visit, I made a presentation to them which was well received and had only to meet with the “decision maker” to finalize the details and move forward. This client is a “game changer” for us.

So, a week later I show up for the follow up meeting with all of the documents prepared and in walks one of the most STUNNING women I have ever seen. I don’t just throw that word around. It was one of the very few times in my life that I was actually speechless AND breathless for a moment after seeing someone. When I was younger I did a bit of photography work on the side and worked with very attractive models quite often, even dating a couple. I have never seen anyone like her. This person was physically beautiful in every sense of the word. She had a stunning figure, face, eyes, hair, etc. Even her mannerisms, style and voice. Drop dead gorgeous. In fact I would say she is probably in the top 3 of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, magazines, movies or otherwise. She doesn’t wear a lot of makeup, she doesn’t dress provocatively at all; she is just naturally gifted. Maybe it's just me, but I was in awe.

Anyway, I was able to regain my composure and get on to business and made the best of the meeting. Things were definitely on the right track business wise. Just let me say that I fully realize there is more to a person than just the exterior. I have never been star struck or made much of people just based on their looks. This one is different though. Not like I am star struck, just that I had a hard time even looking at her without being completely distracted by her appearance.

From a business standpoint, she has been VERY easy to work with and is very sharp. She is articulate and very well educated, yet down to earth. I only wish all executives that I have worked with were as such.

Now the problem; I am able to work with her without much issue, but lately she has been coming across overly “friendly.” When we work together she gets very close physically and talks to me in a much more intimate way. Not intimate like sexy, but more with a softer tone also discussing things other than business like the relationship is progressing past just business. It’s not anything improper, just different. She also has been showing me a lot of attention and being very complementary. Again, her tone has softened when we talk now and comes across as happy or even excited at times when we speak on the phone. I also noticed quite a few times while were in conferences that she was staring at me. I tried to ignore it since I noticed it out of my peripheral, but when I looked over at her, she just kept staring, right into my eyes and kind of smiled. It was nothing overly suggestive by any means, just a sweet smile. It was the looking into my eyes that caught me off guard. She has incredible deep brown eyes and she didn’t look away.

I am not sure if I am going through some sort of mid life crisis or anything, or experiencing the “seven-year itch.” But, I can’t help but feel extremely flattered by her attention. Yes, I am very attracted to her, but even though they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I would be hard pressed to find anyone that wouldn’t find her attractive. That being said, I have done nothing to jeopardize my marriage. I am in my early 40’s and she is in her late twenties. It has been a long time since I received this kind of attention. My wife, while being beautiful, and kind is not overly “attentive.” She just isn’t like that. She is more of the hot girl next-door type that never really grasped the idea of flirting. This woman on the other hand is VERY sexy and flirty in a kind of unassuming way, like she isn’t even trying. I am not sure if that even makes sense. She says things like “I am really looking forward to working closely with you on these projects.” Those were her exact words, and while they sound completely harmless and simple, her tone seemed to reveal more than that. Yes, I know it could be harmless, but I was there and it came across as more. Again, nothing “bad", just more.

As I said in the beginning, I don’t want to mess anything up and I am not even to the point where it has been close. Neither of us has acted improper in my opinion. The closeness in which she talks to me is a bit scary, but nothing has progressed. Everything up to this point has been controlled, but, I am not sure how to proceed. I can’t bring this up with my friends. They are all very close to my wife, and I can’t risk something getting out that could be misunderstood. Which is why I turned to this forum. This woman is THE person I have to deal with. I can’t blow this for my business, but I don’t want to hurt my marriage. I am now starting to feel slightly different towards my wife. Not like I would ever leave or love her any less. I still love her, love spending time with her and love doing things with and for her. I guess getting so much attention from this gorgeous woman who could get anyone she wanted is changing my expectations in my marriage. And the fact that she is always engaged when we talk is having me question my wife’s actions and why she doesn’t act like that as well.

Should I address this with my wife in any way? Should I just walk away and lose the business? Should I just let it go and hope things calm down? Maybe I am just looking at it wrong. Maybe she is just friendly and her “hotness” is clouding my vision.  Maybe it’s just a phase. This woman is the person I have to work with, and they made it very clear that working with me, being the president of my company was a huge factor in them moving their business over to us.

I am just not sure how to proceed with this without causing problems OR possibly losing the best client we have had in many, many years. By the way, sorry for the long post.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Remind yourself that you are a professional and that you do not have to act on your temptation.

Do not flirt back. If there is ever any talk of sex or dating or any kind of non-professional touching, let her know, politely, that you are married and that those kinds of things would be inappropriate to talk about or do.

Do not go to lunch, dinner, drinks, or outings with this woman. Only meet her in a business setting.

Always act as if your wife is watching. If she would be upset to see it happen, you should not be letting it happen.

While you are at home, do your best to focus on positive things about your wife. Try being more romantic with your wife, re-ignite the spark of excitement and attraction with your wife so that you are less inclined to let your mind wander to fantasyland. If she's become a homebody, just tell her that for fun, you'd like to make things wild and romantic like when you were first dating and then you guys should dress up for each other and date each other a lot during your time at home.

You might be tempted, but you're not an animal and you're capable of rational thought. Don't act in a way that will jeopardize your marriage, no matter how hot the woman is. If you do and your wife finds out, she will leave you. Don't look for secret ways to do it, because you will get caught, eventually; don't take that as a challenge.

Put some pictures of your wife and kids on your desk as a reminder to you, and maybe as the wallpaper on your computer and phone. That's what you stand to lose, if you screw up.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Do you want the account and the $$ that will help you and your family?

Or you do want a short fling with one of the most beautiful woman you have ever met at the risk of your business and your family?

And if you decide to take the chance, if things go wrong you could also hurt your business. Word will spread that you're sleeping with clients and I wonder how many other clients you'll be able to get and how many current clients you might lose in the process.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Protect the marriage. Always.

Clients come and go. marriage is for life...hopefully, if you protect it.


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## clenzemary (Feb 12, 2012)

Are you sure you have not crossed your borders if at all you have any since you got married.I am beginning to imagine what must have been going on in your mind for you to have scored this lady virtually higher in most areas than your wife.It may be true you actually love your wife like you said but another reality is that you may not have learnt so far to stay satisfied with your choice of life partner.Another thing that is as certain as tomorrow is that you are definitely not the first person to have suddenly discovered this beautiful business lady. So what has been happening to all the men before you? --------Your guess is as good as mine.To make the matter worse , you are already being carried away with her soft spoken words,does that not tell you she is desperate? From the way you sound, you definitely are scared of losing something....not your wife,nor your marriage or even your friends but certainly you newly found beautiful business woman and her luring carrot in the name of ''game changer project'' My advise is that you run the race of your life away in the opposite direction, while the hair grains on your skull in still intact ,any thing less could be very disastrous


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

moxy said:


> Put some pictures of your wife and kids on your desk as a reminder to you, and maybe as the wallpaper on your computer and phone. That's what you stand to lose, if you screw up.


Thank you for the feedback. I actually made my favorite wedding picture my phone's wallpaper. I thought that it was funny that you mentioned that.  I also made sure that my phone sat out on the conference table last meeting and that I would hold my hand in such a manner that my wedding ring was clearly visible. While it is very flattering, I am in a good marriage and I don't want to mess it up. It's not perfect, but at times, it does feel like it. I can't deny that I met someone incredibly attractive, it was just a business meeting. I would be lying to myself. Kind of like when Chevy Chase met Christy Brinkley in the first Vacation movie. He told his wife he didn't iike her, she's ugly. Like anything else, there are ups and downs. Never have the downs been enough to have me want out of my marriage though.

You are right, my wife has become somewhat of a homebody lately and it's probably just bad timing. I am not saying that I love her less, but I can't say that she hasn't let her self go a little bit lately. I am sure that is true for myself as well. I haven't been the most romantic person lately. I will definitely work on that.

It's really kind of odd. I don't feel much in the way of a sexual urge with this woman. I never fantasize about cheating on my wife with her. It's really just the way she is and what she looks like. It's quite odd. While I did find myself breathless when I saw her, I never thought to myself, "boy I would really want to..." It's like looking at a Ferrari as it drives by. She was just so incredible to look at, and as I got to know her better it made her even more attractive. You would not think that someone with her appearance would be so down to earth, friendly and kind. Yes, I have come across lots of attractive successful women in my travels, but none that were even in the same class and many times they came across as cold, unkind and overly driven. Not all, but many. Just like many successful men do.

I am also not one who gives in to animalistic impulses and desires. But, I also don't want the simple act of working with her, even on a purely platonic or business level making me question my wife, or my marriage.

At risk of losing the client, I am really thinking that I should talk with her and ask if she would be offended if I ask her boss if it would be possible to work with someone else on these projects, or at least minimize our contact. I get the sense that she is also trying to be reserved and not totally "give in" and take it to another level. She is also married. And as I have said, I don't think she is trying to seduce me or anything like that. I actually notice some of the same demeanor when she is talking with some of her female co-workers. Not the same level, but similar. Yes, there are times that it seems obvious that she is attracted too and acting in a flirtatious way, but she has never crossed the line, or said anything even remotely inappropriate. Never an innuendo, advance or sexual remark.

If she is offended by my request then I may even consider being honest with her and explaining why I don't think we should work so closely together. We have a pretty good rapport so I hope that it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I am just thinking that I want to remove myself from this type of thing. Whether it is temptation from being flattered, or just because of her appearance, it just doesn't seem like a good place to be.

As I have mentioned, I never considered cheating. I just find her ridiculously attractive in so many ways. But, at no point did I ever consider taking the relationship to a sexual level. Quite frankly, even as exhilarating it was just looking at her, I never thought of taking it further. My biggest issue was that I was feeling different towards my wife.

I also didn't seek this. I didn't pursue her, I never even knew she existed before our meeting. I also wasn't expecting anyone looking like her to walk into the room as the project leader. It was such a harmless encounter on the level.

I am actually more fearful of reacting differently towards my wife than anything else. In turn, she may start acting different towards me, then the whole thing cycles and snowballs into an unhappy sterile marriage. I also don't want to lose a good customer.

Thanks again for the input everyone.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You are feeling the natural effects of Biology.

Remember that Biology is not Destiny.

Never underestimate a woman's ability to mess with your head for her own selfish purposes. She could just be trying to see if she can pull your attention. 

Keep using the big head, not the little one. Make sure you aren't alone with the client. 

Are you self employed? If not, could you tell your bosses the client is starting to act inappropriately and you need another person present from your company to help keep her in check?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

HKUSP71 said:


> I am actually more fearful of reacting differently towards my wife than anything else. In turn, she may start acting different towards me, then the whole thing cycles and snowballs into an unhappy sterile marriage.



The way to change how things are with your wife is to spice things up with your wife, the other woman and time you spend at work is irrelevant if you're getting something better at home. Really spend some time reconnecting romantically with your wife. Go on dates. Make it fun again.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Protect the marriage. Always.
> 
> Clients come and go. marriage is for life...hopefully, if you protect it.


Lady Gaga said the exact opposite.
“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.” 

That context would actually mean chase money and business at all cost. Don't throw everything away for any man or woman. 




> This woman on the other hand is VERY sexy and flirty in a kind of unassuming way, like she isn’t even trying. I am not sure if that even makes sense. She says things like “I am really looking forward to working closely with you on these projects.” Those were her exact words, and while they sound completely harmless and simple, her tone seemed to reveal more than that. Yes, I know it could be harmless, but I was there and it came across as more. Again, nothing “bad", just more.


My gf's best friend is like that. Very playful and cute. Everyone always misinterprets her positive attitude as flirting. I have the exact same problem. I generally considered myself a bit of a jerk, but apparently I'm nice enough that everybody thinks I'm flirting with them. That includes men as well. I asked how your day was? Obviously I'm trying to have sex with you, seeing as there's no other valid reason for showing any interest in another human 





> I am actually more fearful of reacting differently towards my wife than anything else


I'm guessing the trick is to not be too happy to go to work. If you usually show up on time with low enthusiasm, it will look really strange if you suddenly start going to work early with a big smile on your face. Your pay isn't any better and you're not winning more clients? That smile must be caused by another woman.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Speaking from experience I am going to say that as much as you have elaborated on this there is a problem worth addressing.

On the one hand I want to tell you to be professional and set your boundaries correctly. You are struggling with this.

All I can say is that your gut tells you there is danger. Listen to it. If you can opt out of being the one who deals with this woman directly do it ASAP. You will tell me that you are the one to talk with her. You are already telling yourself you do not intend to cheat. Very good but your are extremely taken by this woman and she has shaken your world. I think you risk everything. If you are this enthralled with her is your judgement appropriate form a business persepctive. She is probably playing you for this prupose. Shake it off at least.

I don't buy that it is a choice between losing the client or your marriage. But if it is put your marriage first. But if you would like to protect your marriage AND keep the client, get someone else to intervene or the least be right there with you for these chats. Otherwise I suspect your are justifying hanging in there.



> remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.


Another fallacy. If you see yourself as Lady GaGa then go for it.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

When my husband was in the Navy he would be deployed for 6 months at a time. There was an incredibly handsome young salesman in our office who looked like Adonis to me. It is indeed amazing when you see someone who fits your ideal of beauty.

I was especially vulnerable because my husband was gone. You are vulnerable because your marriage seems a bit dull right now.

I think you would be wise to remove yourself from this project. It is just too hard to be around someone who gets your fantasies going. The pull is visceral, and your brain begins to spin all sorts of visions of unreal perfection. You need strong boundaries, and the physical one of removing yourself from her presence is good. We are all weak, and we need to recognize when we are not capable of resisting temptation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Asking to have her replaced would be a terrible thing to do. This would be you basically saying that you have a personal problem and want it handled by hurting her job. 

So far the only think you know for sure is that you have a strong attraction to her. So far you are the only one who has an issue. I would guess that most of what you think she is doing/saying that might to too friendly is you projecting your feelings on her behavior.

Just be professional around her. Do the job you are paid to do. As others have said do not do anything like to go lunch, coffee… anything with her. 

And then concentrate on your wife and your marriage. Put this energy into romancing y our wife and helping her to remember what it’s like to be pursued. Get back to dating your wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Posse said:


> You are feeling the natural effects of Biology.
> 
> Remember that Biology is not Destiny.
> 
> ...


A woman in her position knows how to use her power for her own agenda. This is what is going on.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> A woman in her position knows how to use her power for her own agenda. This is what is going on.


Exactly what I was thinking. I wonder how many other consultants and contractors they've put in her path so she can wrap them around her little finger and skew the business relationship in favor of their company.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I would take this as a sign that something is missing from your marriage. If your needs are being met at home no amount of flattery would take your focus away from what matters most.


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

Posse said:


> Remember that Biology is not Destiny.


I like that. Yes, I am self employed, and they made it clear that they prefer to work with me for that reason. That's one of the issues. I could have easily sent one of my employees to work out the details and I would come in here and there as needed.



Entropy3000 said:


> A woman in her position knows how to use her power for her own agenda. This is what is going on.


I am not sure that I get her angle if that is the case. If anything she is helping me out. She has gone to bat for us many times, and always gives us high marks when her boss (the owner of the company) asks how we are doing. And in turn, we are getting much more from them than was even in the original proposal. They are actually paying more for our services than their last provider. Now we do provide advantages and a better track record, but this proposal went from a simple contract, to multiple contracts that have boosted our sales about 15-20% per month. I just don't see what she is getting out of it if her angle is to play me. And they pay on time which is also a bonus.  I would gladly be played if that was how it worked. I could only hope more people would try to play me. 

Also, in response to those that think that something clearly inappropriate is going on I just want to reiterate; nothing has happened, nothing has been discussed, no innuendo, no sexual overtones, no touching, no steamy late night meetings, nothing even remotely close.

As some have mentioned, this is my issue even though there seems to be some level of attraction coming from her end. I have been around. I was a semi-professional photographer who had to deal with models on a regular basis. It's not hard to figure out when you are being played. Models are notorious for playing games and trying to get you to give them things just because they are so purdy and flirty. 

Honestly, what finally pushed me to this forum was this. The other night I came home after a long meeting with this woman and I expected my wife to give me the same type of attention that I was getting from her, a stranger. I even said that to my wife. I didn't really do anything to earn it, I just kind of felt that she should have just offered it and I felt a little different towards her for that. That was the red flag and I wanted to nip it in the bud. Not that an affair was even on my radar, I do believe that this is how affairs start. Simple harmless things, red flags that are ignored and feelings that are allowed to grow into more over time.

It wouldn't have been the first time that I got more attention from a stranger than my wife, which is also probably true for my wife. You kind of get caught up in life and you take things for granted and stop trying. I have experienced women flirting, I even experienced clients or other colleagues who were not shy about their intentions. But, I never did anything. I am not the affair type of person, I just don't get caught up in that type of thing. I couldn't live with myself. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, I am surely not going to start now.

I love my wife. I still only have sex with my wife. I haven't withdrawn from her. I may not be as romantic, and she has turned into a bit of a homebody lately, but I don't love my wife any less, and I surely don't love this client or have any grand fantasies about her.

As I said before, it's really hard for me to explain. I am ashamed that this woman was able to cause such a wild feeling of awe in me the first time that I met her, and even more so now. She was breathtaking, and I felt it physically. I feel bad about that. I have a great wife that I love very much, I shouldn't be feeling things like that. Maybe, as some have said, something is missing from my marriage. This is a fairly recent thing, but if there is something wrong, I don't want to make it worse. Thanks again for the input. The insight and new ways to look at my situation have been very helpful.

As a human being, we all have sweet spots for what we find attractive. This is more of a physical, aesthetic thing. For me, this woman has EVERY physical sweet spot of mine. I have NEVER come across anyone like that. She is freakishly attractive and she is extremely sweet and playful (sense of humor wise), yet still professional and sharp. PLUS, she has been coming across as interested. Whether my perception is accurate or not doesn't really matter. I am very uncomfortable working around someone like that at this time in my life. But I also know that it is too good for business to just walk away.

If I could compare it for a woman, it would be like taking Brad Pitt, dipping him in diamonds, then finding out that he is built like adonis, sounds like Barry White, is honest, a good listener, gives great massages and tastes like chocolate.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Ah....dear dear OP....this young lady is using the oldest trick in the book...using her feminine wiles to get what she wants...

If she's giving you the CFM eyes, tell her plainly that you're unavailable.

And drop the account or hand it off to someone else; you're already out of control...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Exactly what I was thinking. I wonder how many other consultants and contractors they've put in her path so she can wrap them around her little finger and skew the business relationship in favor of their company.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bingo...and if I may toot my own horn for a few seconds: when I was about 25, I worked as a receptionist for a process lab...I used to get sent out to trade shows, business dinners and luncheons all the time; I'd be told what to wear, too. Just show up, hand them a brochure, smile, and one of our salesmen will do the rest.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

HKUSP71 said:


> I like that. Yes, I am self employed, and they made it clear that they prefer to work with me for that reason. That's one of the issues. I could have easily sent one of my employees to work out the details and I would come in here and there as needed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I felt the same way. Been there. But it was also the person. I am saying she knows what hse is doing. Her job is to negotiate with you. You feel you have the upper hand. Great.

The fact you are comparing your emotional feelins you are getting with this woman and your wife is indeed troubling. Good luck. Please let us know how this plays out. I hope well for all of you.


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Ah....dear dear OP....this young lady is using the oldest trick in the book...using her feminine wiles to get what she wants...
> 
> If she's giving you the CFM eyes, tell her plainly that you're unavailable.
> 
> And drop the account or hand it off to someone else; you're already out of control...


With all due respect, what is she getting? I hear you about dressing up trade show attendees. We do that as well. I even hired attractive people just for trade shows before.

But at this point, I am the only one who is getting anything. She has gone to bat for us behind close doors according to other staff members with this company. She even talked the president into letting us quote future contracts that we weren't even in consideration for. Am I missing something or is this how things work now? They give me lots of new business and boost my bottom line, yet I am somehow being played? :scratchhead: Maybe I am being dense, but I don't understand the logic.


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> The fact you are comparing your emotional feelings you are getting with this woman and your wife is indeed troubling. Good luck. Please let us know how this plays out. I hope well for all of you.


You are right. Very much so. That worries me. I don't think I have the upper hand though. It's just very confusing. I actually wish she would try to get something in return, or make a clear pass if that is her true intentions. It would be much easier for me to think less of her.

At this point though, it has only been a one way street in my favor. Sure, we are producing results for them and our initial campaign has worked out very well, but it has also been a good thing for my company. If she were to try to turn this around it would be so much easier to see her as some sort of seductress or grand manipulator. That's the problem right now. She is really helping us out and making a very positive impact on our sales so I can't really see a manipulative angle.

She is professional though. She doesn't dress provocatively in any way. And it is obvious that she didn't get to her position just based on her appearance. She is VERY sharp and articulate, even my female employees confirmed that. She picks up on details quickly and it makes it so much easier to suggest new strategies and approaches when I am making my case for a new direction.

Hmmmm, from that perspective it would look like I am playing her.  Just kidding. I am not in any way. I really do believe in what we do. I love my job and I love to help my clients.

I just remember a pastor once saying not to ignore the red flags no matter how insignificant they seem.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HKUSP71 said:


> With all due respect, what is she getting? I hear you about dressing up trade show attendees. We do that as well. I even hired attractive people just for trade shows before.
> 
> But at this point, I am the only one who is getting anything. She has gone to bat for us behind close doors according to other staff members with this company. She even talked the president into letting us quote future contracts that we weren't even in consideration for. Am I missing something or is this how things work now? They give me lots of new business and boost my bottom line, yet I am somehow being played? :scratchhead: Maybe I am being dense, but I don't understand the logic.


One possibility...you're hooked. When it comes time to renegotiate and renew, her company says, "Gee, we love the work you've been doing, and Hottie McSultry speaks quite highly of you...but you're just too darned expensive." Hottie McSultry then comes to you, bats her eyes and says, "I'd hate to see you go. Are you sure we can't find a figure that my superiors will accept so you can stay around?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> If we had a key or critical supplier, we would be dealing with the head decision maker from the company.
> That is the person that makes the final decision on cost, lead times, performance and quality milestones, etc.
> Or do you delegate that responsiblity?
> 
> ...


I appreciate your perspective. Yes, normally I would delegate this type of thing to one of my staff members, but they made it clear that they would like to deal only with me. I actually attended a conference that out of town when they first asked for a proposal; they said they would wait until I was back to let us present. Me being the owner, making a presentation to them was part of what sold it. This woman is right below the president in regards to these campaigns. From what I understand, there is really no one else that they could have take over unless they pulled in someone beneath her that was less qualified.

From what I have been told, they had a less than stellar experience with their last provider and I can tell that the owner wants to be very much involved with everything that is going on. This woman just happens to be his right hand person. At this point, I am just buying time. Hopefully we will get far enough into the business relationship that I can pull back and let someone else take over the day to day dealings with her. I have a very capable staff, it's just that they don't want to work with them...at least right now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude, you have 99 problems and the b!tch ain't one!

Take care of your sh!t and stop screwing around!

What the f^ck, did you grow up wanting to be a liar and a cheat!

"geez when I grow up I'm going to an adultor"


Sorry folks, the_guy has been fitness tested today and I ain't standing for it especially from Mrs. the_guy. That and some triggers...........


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

Grayson said:


> One possibility...you're hooked. When it comes time to renegotiate and renew, her company says, "Gee, we love the work you've been doing, and Hottie McSultry speaks quite highly of you...but you're just too darned expensive." Hottie McSultry then comes to you, bats her eyes and says, "I'd hate to see you go. Are you sure we can't find a figure that my superiors will accept so you can stay around?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point. I can see that, but I would have no problem renegotiating, even now. Maybe that is their angle. But, quite frankly, I would have been willing to negotiate from the beginning, even before I met her. I went in high with my estimate since I didn't really know what was involved from their end.

They have to provide lots of data to us, and if they don't know what they are doing, it can be very time consuming on our end. But, as soon as I found out they had their stuff in order, I would have dropped about 15%. I know THEY don't know that, so I can see that as a logical approach. Send in the hottie to get things done. But as long as things don't cross the line, I am not sure what would be wrong with that. I can always say no and they could risk going back to someone like their last provider. That is the chance they take. She is really attractive, and I admit that it would make it hard to say no, but as long as we hit our margins and I didn't sell my soul, I would be OK with that. Hopefully we would have developed a good enough business relationship by then that I could just send in my right hand girl to the negotiations...problem neutralized. :smthumbup:


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

the guy said:


> What the f^ck, did you grow up wanting to be a liar and a cheat!
> 
> "geez when I grow up I'm going to an adultor"


Ohh kay. :scratchhead: Not sure where that came from since I never lied and surely didn't cheat. But, so be it. Thanks for the input, I will make sure that I don't lie or cheat.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HKUSP71 said:


> Good point. I can see that, but I would have no problem renegotiating, even now. Maybe that is their angle. But, quite frankly, I would have been willing to negotiate from the beginning, even before I met her. I went in high with my estimate since I didn't really know what was involved from their end.
> 
> They have to provide lots of data to us, and if they don't know what they are doing, it can be very time consuming on our end. But, as soon as I found out they had their stuff in order, I would have dropped about 15%. I know THEY don't know that, so I can see that as a logical approach. Send in the hottie to get things done. But as long as things don't cross the line, I am not sure what would be wrong with that. I can always say no and they could risk going back to someone like their last provider. That is the chance they take. She is really attractive, and I admit that it would make it hard to say no, but as long as we hit our margins and I didn't sell my soul, I would be OK with that. Hopefully we would have developed a good enough business relationship by then that I could just send in my right hand girl to the negotiations...problem neutralized. :smthumbup:


As you say, THEY don't know your position, or how low you're willing to go, money-wise. Always the possibility, too, that the "problems" theyve had with previous providers were thatthose providers couldn't/wouldn't cut their prices low enough for your client's tastes. For example, based on reports from friends I still have there, my previous employer was dropped by their largest client because some fly-by-night provider gave them a low, too-good-to-be-true bid. The client was quite pleased with the service my old company was providing, but there was no way they could meet the upstart's bid and still make a profit. Your client could be playing their game many moves ahead, maneuvering to get their best deal possible by getting you invested in Hottie McSultry's attentions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Bring an employee that you are grooming to take over the work with the client to each meeting. 

Don't have any one on one contact with the female exec that you can avoid.

Keep all conversations purely professional. Make that your unbreakable rule.

Avoid temptation by never getting in any tempting situations.


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

Grayson said:


> As you say, THEY don't know your position, or how low you're willing to go, money-wise. Always the possibility, too, that the "problems" theyve had with previous providers were thatthose providers couldn't/wouldn't cut their prices low enough for your client's tastes.
> 
> Your client could be playing their game many moves ahead, maneuvering to get their best deal possible by getting you invested in Hottie McSultry's attentions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was a possibility. Although in this case I have been told that the previous provider was a sore spot for the owner of the company based on performance. They put a LOT of money into a multiple campaign contract with NO response. I just think that they liked our approach and maybe since I was dealing with them directly, they thought that I would take on some level of responsibility if our campaign failed. They are actually paying more for our services, but they were more concerned with results rather than the costs.

So, while things look promising on the business side, this whole situation with the woman is like an ominous cloud hanging over the whole thing. Again, not that anything improper happened, but as many others have mentioned, it's just too much to risk since my marriage could be affected. I am at the point where I would just prefer to remove myself from the situation and I can't. As much as I wish it wasn't so, the person I HAVE to deal with is this woman.

We have been around for 25 years, and quite frankly, last year was one of the worst in recent years, and although this year has been much better, an account like this is really a big deal for us. Believe me, if I could just step away I would.



Posse said:


> Bring an employee that you are grooming to take over the work with the client to each meeting.


I actually like that. It would allow me to bring someone in while I am still involved directly under the guise of preparing new resources for future campaigns. That should also immediately diffuse things. I originally didn't want them to think that I was pushing their account off on a staff member, but in this case it may appear as if we are actually providing additional resources since I will still be directly involved, at least for a little while.

Thanks for the input.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HKUSP71 said:


> That was a possibility. Although in this case I have been told that the previous provider was a sore spot for the owner of the company based on performance. They put a LOT of money into a multiple campaign contract with NO response. I just think that they liked our approach and maybe since I was dealing with them directly, they thought that I would take on some level of responsibility if our campaign failed. They are actually paying more for our services, but they were more concerned with results rather than the costs.


And, that may indeed be the case.

On the other hand, do you *really *expect them to tell you - the person they're currently paying more than the previous provider - that the reason they dumped that previous provider is that said provider wouldn't cut their own throat financially?

It could even be a little from column A and a little from column B.

While Hottie McSultry might well be more than competent at her job, the odds that she's also charming you for reasons that benefit her business are pretty high.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Don't think for one minute that this woman is unaware of her looks, and her voice, and her mannerisms, and her effect on men. She's worked on it for years!

"...lately she has been coming across overly “friendly.” also discussing things other than business like the relationship is progressing past just business..." "The closeness in which she talks to me is a bit scary..."

Uh huh, girl's got her 'game' on!

"I also don't want the simple act of working with her, even on a purely platonic or business level making me question my wife, or my marriage."

BUT IT IS, isn't it?

YOU are the owner of the business. YOU need to make a decision. Which do you think your wife and children would prefer: all the money you're going to make from this client and their (hopefully) big new campaign OR the security of a happy home and marriage. I don't think you can have both. You have gone into GREAT DETAIL here about her looks, her clothes, her voice, her mannerisms, her intelligence, her 'air'. You're already heading down a path you concretely stated you didn't want to do (see quote above). 

I would bet dollars to doughnuts that they don't send THIS woman to call on frumpy, middle-aged WOMEN executives! What do you think?

You've got a choice to make. Me? I'd let the business walk! Don't forget YOU have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. You have to look at your wife and children every day. I'm not saying you'd end up having an affair with this woman (I'll bet she gets what she wants in business without having to sleep around), I just think you'll end up not liking yourself very much.


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

Grayson said:


> And, that may indeed be the case.
> 
> On the other hand, do you *really *expect them to tell you - the person they're currently paying more than the previous provider - that the reason they dumped that previous provider is that said provider wouldn't cut their own throat financially?


No I don't, I see your point. But I have been doing this for quite a while. There is a market for the services we offer. We are not the most expensive, but we certainly aren't the cheapest. Start ups or smaller companies usually come in about 35% less than where we would be for similar campaigns, but well established large firms will be about 10-15% higher. Plus, I purposely inflated my proposal due to the fact that there were a few variables that could have greatly increased the time we have to put into the initial campaign preparation.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Don't think for one minute that this woman is unaware of her looks, and her voice, and her mannerisms, and her effect on men. She's worked on it for years!
> 
> Uh huh, girl's got her 'game' on!
> 
> ...


Oh I KNOW she knows. She comes across as unassuming, and I do think she is sincere. But, there is NO WAY she would be unaware of the effect that her appearance has on 90% of the males she comes in contact with.

Yes, it is and ins't affecting me, I mean I thought there was enough of a red flag to come on to this forum and spill my guts, even though nothing serious even happened. Actually, nothing has happened other than the fact that I met a very attractive client and we scored a very nice contract.

I have no problem looking in the mirror. I had an involuntary response to seeing this woman. I didn't make myself feel it. I am just being honest. Yes, I find her very attractive. Yes, I was ashamed that I had such a strong reaction, but I never acted upon it and I surely didn't cause it. I jumped on this forum to get some input. I never experienced anything like this and thought that maybe someone else might have run into a similar experience and had some insight.

I highly doubt that most people would walk away from the client. It's not a guarantee that anyone would cheat just because they find someone attractive. It is a highly profitable contract in some pretty rough economic times.

I am also quite certain that I am not being played. I actually have no doubt, but I can see why others would think that and that is fine. They are entitled to their opinion, but I am there, so I see things that can't just be typed into an online forum. That doesn't mean that I am comfortable with the situation, but it does mean that I believe I can salvage both the client and my integrity.

It's pretty obvious that my marriage is of the utmost importance to me otherwise I wouldn't be putting so much time into composing lengthy responses to people who are providing feedback.

Quite honestly the more I respond and read the posts the more I am certain that I would never take anything to an improper level. 

The way that it makes me feel to know that strangers on a forum who don't know me from Adam would think that I would cheat is NOTHING compared to how I would feel if I actually did it. I couldn't imaging hurting the person I care most about, not to mention my friends and family. And for that bit of insight I do appreciate the replies.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

HKUSP71 said:


> Thank you for the feedback. I actually made my favorite wedding picture my phone's wallpaper. I thought that it was funny that you mentioned that.  I also made sure that my phone sat out on the conference table last meeting and that I would hold my hand in such a manner that my wedding ring was clearly visible. While it is very flattering, I am in a good marriage and I don't want to mess it up. It's not perfect, but at times, it does feel like it. I can't deny that I met someone incredibly attractive, it was just a business meeting. I would be lying to myself. Kind of like when Chevy Chase met Christy Brinkley in the first Vacation movie. He told his wife he didn't iike her, she's ugly. Like anything else, there are ups and downs. Never have the downs been enough to have me want out of my marriage though.
> 
> You are right, my wife has become somewhat of a homebody lately and it's probably just bad timing. I am not saying that I love her less, but I can't say that she hasn't let her self go a little bit lately. I am sure that is true for myself as well. I haven't been the most romantic person lately. I will definitely work on that.
> 
> ...


Look, you are a mature man who can control his actions. Avoid situations that could get you into trouble. *Do not go to her boss* to have her removed from the project. If you came to me with that story I would terminate our contract in a heartbeat. No way I am going to risk a discrimination complaint from my valued employee because you have a "hardon" for her. COnduct your business professionally. Be kind and cooperative. Also, realize you may be reading alot more into this than really exists. So far nothing untoward has been suggested or done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HKUSP71 said:


> With all due respect, what is she getting? I hear you about dressing up trade show attendees. We do that as well. I even hired attractive people just for trade shows before.
> 
> But at this point, I am the only one who is getting anything. She has gone to bat for us behind close doors according to other staff members with this company. She even talked the president into letting us quote future contracts that we weren't even in consideration for. Am I missing something or is this how things work now? They give me lots of new business and boost my bottom line, yet I am somehow being played? :scratchhead: Maybe I am being dense, but I don't understand the logic.


She sounds like a very good looking and professional woman who is also friendly.

She probably goes to bat for you because your work is making her look good. That's your job... she's the contract manager? Your job is to make her look good to her bosses. As long as you are doing that she will be freindly and supportive of you and your firm.

That's how business works. I think that you are projecting your own feelings about her onto her. I've had men do this with me at work.. i'm friendly, helpful, cheerlead for those who do their work well and who make me look good to my bosses.

Then some idiot guy gets the idea that I'm flirting with them because of my nature. It ruins the working environment. 

If you go to her company and say anything about wanting her replaced because of your attraction to her, or because you think she is attracted to you, your gona lose the contract. Like someone else said.. you will have opened the company to sexual harrassment law suit. They will have to cut ties with you immediately.

If you do anything like make a pass at her, or otherwise ruin a good working relationship, you will be gone in a heart beat. Going to her boss would fall into the relm of making her look bad to her bosses.. she will turn on you in a heart beat... you will be gone.

It sounds like your marriage is stale. You need to put your attention into your marriage. It sounds like the two of you take each other for granted. Perhaps it's time for you to start romancing your wife again and win her heart back.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

HKUSP71 said:


> No I don't, I see your point. But I have been doing this for quite a while. There is a market for the services we offer. We are not the most expensive, but we certainly aren't the cheapest. Start ups or smaller companies usually come in about 35% less than where we would be for similar campaigns, but well established large firms will be about 10-15% higher. Plus, I purposely inflated my proposal due to the fact that there were a few variables that could have greatly increased the time we have to put into the initial campaign preparation.


You're kind of making my point for me here. Flip the perspective...have YOU told THEM that you shot high? Of course not. Now, they likely figured that you had some wiggle room in your bid. But, just as there were unknown variables on your end when placing the bid, they see unknown variables when it comes time to re-up. Can they get you to drop your price now that the "heavy lifting" is done? Can they get you to provide more services for the same money? So on and so forth. It certainly doesn't hurt them to have you invested in Hottie McSultry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Need photo's to give appropriate advice here....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's ridiculous...you're getting the eyes from some young thing and you're all tied up in knots over what to do and worried about it ruining your marriage. Time to grow up.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> It's ridiculous...you're getting the eyes from some young thing and you're all tied up in knots over what to do and worried about it ruining your marriage. Time to grow up.


I am all about fidelity. That said, I understand what the OP is experiencing because I was in a similar situation once before.

Biological urges can be a very, very powerful pull. I know I never went looking for it-it just happened and took me totally by surprise. That said, I recognized it and took steps to avoid any temptation and avoid going down the slippery slope. 

Telling him to just grow up is like trying to tell the tide to stop coming in.

In fact, I'd say he is showing he is grown up by recognizing a dangerous situation and seeking help in dealing with it. He is trying to derail thoughts that have developed from the most powerful drive humans have, and is trying hard to find ways to avoid doing something stupid.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

No. He's making all kinds of excuse and reasoning so that he can eventually say 'it just happened'. Sorry, JMO here, but I'm not buying any of it. These kinds of things don't just happen; they're encouraged and nudged along, usually by both parties.

The OP seems weak; all this woman needs to do as ask him to be with her, and he'll probably jump at the chance. He's looking for our blessings; I daresay the decision has already been made!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> No. He's making all kinds of excuse and reasoning so that he can eventually say 'it just happened'. Sorry, JMO here, but I'm not buying any of it. These kinds of things don't just happen; they're encouraged and nudged along, usually by both parties.
> 
> The OP seems weak; all this woman needs to do as ask him to be with her, and he'll probably jump at the chance. He's looking for our blessings; I daresay the decision has already been made!


I was going to say the same thing.

Excuses, excuses, excuses to keep this woman around.

Seemed like a no-brainer to me. But, I don't want anyone but my husband.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> She sounds like a very good looking and professional woman who is also friendly.
> 
> She probably goes to bat for you because your work is making her look good. That's your job... she's the contract manager? Your job is to make her look good to her bosses. As long as you are doing that she will be freindly and supportive of you and your firm.
> 
> ...


I think this spot on. You admit you are not getting the attention you want from your wife. This young woman is giving you some of it, and it is natural that it shakes you up. This is all pretty normal as long as it stops here.

Figure out what you can do to shake things up with your wife. Date her, romance her, start doing stupid fun things with her (ice skating, video arcade, comedy club, whatever). Give her the opportunity to be less frumpy and you the chance to be the guy she dated.

I am also wondering about bringing this issue up to your wife and how best to do it. I think it is important that she know, so that she can help you, but obviously you need to tread carefully, as it could be taken wrong. Perhaps suggesting that you what you are seeing with this woman reminds you of what you had with your wife and that you want her help to get that spark back between you. Others here my have some ideas on how to approach this.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> She sounds like a very good looking and professional woman who is also friendly.
> 
> I've had men do this with me at work.. i'm friendly, helpful, cheerlead for those who do their work well...
> 
> ...


I must apologize to the OP; I never thought of the above possibility, even though like EG, it's happened to me before in the workplace, as well...Until recently, it was mostly men here. What I thought was simply doing my job well, was to some (many, actually), a come-on, or flirt attempt.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I must apologize to the OP; I never thought of the above possibility, even though like EG, it's happened to me before in the workplace, as well...Until recently, it was mostly men here. What I thought was simply doing my job well, was to some (many, actually), a come-on, or flirt attempt.


That might be a possibility, but then, the OP has said: 



> Oh I KNOW she knows. She comes across as unassuming, and I do think she is sincere. But, there is NO WAY she would be unaware of the effect that her appearance has on 90% of the males she comes in contact with.


If we assume he is correct here, and that she's aware of the impact she has, I say that tips the scales in favor of her attentions being a knowing tactic as opposed to an I intended side-effect of her personality.

And, if a knowing tactic, it's also even possible that it's not necessarily designed to benefit the business at large, but for herself to maintain control of the (business) relationship. Which, given how she's got him turned around and making excuses for how "it's just business, I swear," it's clear she has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I once had the same situation as the OP, so I can understand how he feels conflicted. The thing that worked for me was to avoid the guy that triggered my amorous emotions. It is crazy how our brain can manufacture strong feelings that we don't want to have.

I also agree with the advice of romancing your wife. Concentrate on making your marriage as strong as possible so you do not give in to fantasies of passion with another person.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Listen to your gut. 

It's there for a reason. 

Never be alone with her. Get someone to sit in on your conferences OR ask for someone else to take over the project for you. 

Attraction is human nature. But definitely don't do anything to fuel the attraction. Work on your marriage. Grow it. Nurture it. Stay away from your "client"


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> That might be a possibility, but then, the OP has said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's just it, of course she is aware of the impact she is having...it's tough not to be aware, since most of the time, (sorry men) guys don't do much to hide their gawping...I once had a guy so happy to see me (and my t!ts) walking by, that he backed his truck into the side of the building...

There's a woman that works with us; young, slim, with huge boobs. She wears micro minis, tight belly tops...She struts through the cafetaria, and has all the guys drooling...then she goes and complains that everyone is staring at her. Duhhhh!!!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> That's just it, of course she is aware of the impact she is having...it's tough not to be aware, since most of the time, (sorry men) guys don't do much to hide their gawping...I once had a guy so happy to see me (and my t!ts) walking by, that he backed his truck into the side of the building...
> 
> There's a woman that works with us; young, slim, with huge boobs. She wears micro minis, tight belly tops...She struts through the cafetaria, and has all the guys drooling...then she goes and complains that everyone is staring at her. Duhhhh!!!


I can't wait for LadyFrog to write a poem about this :rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CG--no dress code where you work?

Or do you work at Da Club? LOL


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Tight clothes and short skirts and large breasts
Is how this young lady is dressed.
She can't understand
How they all (to a man)
Find her 'business acumen' a jest.

...sorry if I'm horning in on LadyFrog's domain...I guess I just felt inspired!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> CG--no dress code where you work?
> 
> Or do you work at Da Club? LOL


There's a dress code alright...but the bosses are all men! LMAO!!!


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

Posse said:


> Biological urges can be a very, very powerful pull. I know I never went looking for it-it just happened and took me totally by surprise. That said, I recognized it and took steps to avoid any temptation and avoid going down the slippery slope.
> 
> Telling him to just grow up is like trying to tell the tide to stop coming in.


Exactly. 



CandieGirl said:


> No. He's making all kinds of excuse and reasoning so that he can eventually say 'it just happened'. Sorry, JMO here, but I'm not buying any of it. These kinds of things don't just happen; they're encouraged and nudged along, usually by both parties.
> 
> The OP seems weak; all this woman needs to do as ask him to be with her, and he'll probably jump at the chance. He's looking for our blessings; I daresay the decision has already been made!


With all due respect, you couldn't be further from the truth. But, that being said, you are entitled to your opinion. I never cheated, never even thought about it, definitely never will.



Tall Average Guy said:


> I am also wondering about bringing this issue up to your wife and how best to do it. I think it is important that she know, so that she can help you, but obviously you need to tread carefully, as it could be taken wrong.


I actually thought about bringing it up, but decided against it. As easy as my intentions have been misunderstood on this thread, I can’t take the risk of that happening with my wife. She can trust me and I don't want to introduce any doubt. But, somehow, indirectly I do want to bring up the topic of rekindling things without hurting her feelings.



CandieGirl said:


> There's a woman that works with us; young, slim, with huge boobs. She wears micro minis, tight belly tops...She struts through the cafetaria, and has all the guys drooling...then she goes and complains that everyone is staring at her. Duhhhh!!!


Sounds a bit like this woman, except add a face like a prettier Catherine Zeta Jones and replace the micro mini with a pant suit. 




Also, to those that think that my intentions are to cheat or I am in some way looking for justification to hang around until the opportunity arises, you couldn't be more wrong. You are so far from my intentions that there is really no point in even reading this thread or replying. These issues are way too complicated to derive your theories based on a few posts on a marriage forum.

As for a current update: this storm is passing. Operation bring up my wife at every opportunity seems to have made a difference.

The past few days I have noticed a CLEAR change. 

Often after our meetings she would want to talk for another 20-30 minutes, just kind of chatting on the way out. It was harmless, but she would be joking around and quote some odd but funny line from a movie. Most of the time I knew the obscure line she was quoting, which surprised her a bit. She is actually pretty clever and witty. I must admit that I have always been a fan of the smart, witty hot chick. Which is also why I fell hard for my wife; she is also like that.

Anyway, she would discuss bands or authors. Just regular chit chat. We had a lot of common interests, type of music, sports we play, favorite TV shows, authors, etc. She would think I was messing with her, but I was being serious. She would quote a line from a movie, I would tell her the movie and one up her with another quote from the same movie, or try to stump her with another one. Just harmless friendly banter. A couple days ago she mentioned a couple movies and we got to talking about Ben Stiller. She said that she liked the “not so popular” movie Zoolander. So, I laughed and said that I liked that movie (which I really did)…and then added that my wife and I saw it on our first date, which we did.

Then she was talking about her up and coming vacation and I asked if she ever went on a cruise. I told her how much my wife and I like them and then brought up a destination we visited on our honeymoon that my wife really liked.

I also used one of my wedding pictures as my phone's wallpaper. She recently noticed it and made a comment about my wife being pretty.

This is really very common. I didn’t "target" her. I have MANY clients that I have long discussions with that have nothing to do with business; it has really helped us develop some very good long term relationships. I frequently play tennis and golf with many of my clients.

So guess how long she wanted to talk after the past couple meetings??? Yep, she didn’t. She was still very nice, but, only details about what to bring to our next meeting were discussed, and that was it. She CLEARLY hasn’t been in a chatty mood.

As far as me imagining more than was actually there and she was just being friendly; that is a possibility, but it doesn't seem to add up. As I mentioned in my original posts, I only became slightly concerned when I caught her staring. I noticed it out of the corner of my eye on more than one occasion, and when I looked at her she didn’t turn away. She just kept staring then smiled. Who does that?? Is that just being friendly? It’s misleading at the very least.

As a side note, to all of the attractive women out there who are frequently being misread, if she is staring into a guys eyes...multiple times...what would you expect him to think? I had a past girlfriend say that she didn’t think I was interested in her at all at first. Why?? Because she said I would look away when she tried to make eye contact….meaning that maintaining eye contact was a way of showing interest.

Regardless, the past couple days have been more “normal” and much more comfortable.

Some of you understood my dilemma, and I appreciate your input. Some were way out in left field. My intentions were never to cheat or anything remotely close, but I was concerned about the direction of things.

I have had attractive women flirt with me, or make advances before. But, this was different. This was the FIRST time that something was happening with a woman who caused such a ridiculously strong INVOLUNTARY reaction in me. As I said before, this is the FIRST time in my life that anything like this has ever happened. I have NEVER, and I can’t stress that enough…NEVER had anyone invoke that kind of reaction. I was just showing up to finalize a pretty nice deal, and I was kind of excited about that. It’s not like I planned anything or it was even on my radar.

I took to this forum because I wanted to nip whatever was happening, whether misunderstood or not, in the bud without offending anyone, and somehow salvage the largest long-term contract we have been able to land in years. I figured the forum would be the best way to bring up the situation without the risk of having people I actually know misunderstand and come up with their own scenarios.

I do agree with those that said that I need to work on my marriage and that this may have been partly the result of a stale, aging relationship with my wife. I agree that it needs a little kick and I am working on it.

Things seem to be OK right now. Nothing improper happened. While it was pretty clear to me that things were moving in the wrong direction at one time, it’s just as clear that things have cooled off and I am good with that. Sorry for the long posts, this has definitely been a HUGE wake up call.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Well done for nipping this in the bud. So many people fail to realize what is happening until it's too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Hmmmm...so it sounds like her behavior *was* calculated and intentional. Of. Purse, those of us who suggested as much were way off base.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Glad things have cooled off in this situation. Hope things continue to go well with this client and with your company in general.

Kudos to you for making concerted efforts to improve your marriage and the attention you pay to your wife. May she reciprocate in kind and may you be very happy together for a long time!


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

I don't know it was necessarily calculated. A lot of times neither side is fully aware of what they are doing.

You're not out of the woods yet, BTW. In time, she might convince herself what she's doing is harmless because she is not yet crossing any lines. You still need to find a way to extricate yourself from having to work with her regularly.

The other side of this is improving your relationship with your wife. What are you doing on that end?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Well done sir. Yup she was interested.



> I must admit that I have always been a fan of the smart, witty hot chick. Which is also why I fell hard for my wife; she is also like that.


Me too my friend ... me too. Therefore they are the most dangerous of all.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

dymo said:


> I don't know it was necessarily calculated. A lot of times neither side is fully aware of what they are doing.


Oh, if her behavior changed so quickly and drastically in response to his own change in behavior, her previous behavior was pretty clearly intentional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

HKUSP71 said:


> As for a current update: this storm is passing. Operation bring up my wife at every opportunity seems to have made a difference.
> 
> Short of showing up in a dress, nothing works better at sending the not interested/KILL ATTRACTION signal quite like talking nonstop about your wife. Very Beta. Good for you.
> 
> ...


Start engaging the wife more. Ride the wave and go Caveman on her. It helps.

BTW, I am a HK enthusiast myself.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> No. He's making all kinds of excuse and reasoning so that he can eventually say 'it just happened'. Sorry, JMO here, but I'm not buying any of it. These kinds of things don't just happen; they're encouraged and nudged along, usually by both parties.
> 
> The OP seems weak; all this woman needs to do as ask him to be with her, and he'll probably jump at the chance. He's looking for our blessings; I daresay the decision has already been made!


Hey Candiegirl lighten up! You sound just like your Avatar looks.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Oh, if her behavior changed so quickly and drastically in response to his own change in behavior, her previous behavior was pretty clearly intentional.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know... She clearly had a crush, but the human mind has an amazing capacity for self delusion. What talking about the wife does is introduce a cold dose of reality.

One thing that concerns me is when does the wife talk start crossing the line? He talks about his wife, she starts talking about her husband, and it becomes two people sharing personal details with each other... First step in an EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HKUSP71 (May 16, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Kudos to you for making concerted efforts to improve your marriage and the attention you pay to your wife. May she reciprocate in kind and may you be very happy together for a long time!


I sure hope so. It does make me wonder how things would have worked out if my wife was dealing with the same situation.



Entropy3000 said:


> Me too my friend ... me too. Therefore they are the most dangerous of all.


VERY much so.



Grayson said:


> Oh, if her behavior changed so quickly and drastically in response to his own change in behavior, her previous behavior was pretty clearly intentional.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It definitely would appear so. Also adds a bit more fear. I do hope as others have mentioned that everything stays on track business wise. So far it seems OK, I just hope that this does't cause future issues.



dymo said:


> One thing that concerns me is when does the wife talk start crossing the line? He talks about his wife, she starts talking about her husband, and it becomes two people sharing personal details with each other... First step in an EA.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very good point. Never really thought about that. I was just trying to put out a fire. I will have to tread carefully.


Also thanks Posse, it wouldn't allow me to re-quote your reply, but you made a number of good points. Definitely NO singles matches with this one. Maybe some doubles with our spouses? Just kidding, not going there either. Now if she wanted to meet at the range to show off her new HK MR556, all bets would have been off. 

We do have a lot in common and unfortunately, if she didn't happen to look like she does, she could have been a good friend. I have other clients that I would consider good friends now, but I don't think it would be wise for either of us in this case.

Keep in mind that this all happened while my wife and I were going through some good times. Sure things were a little stale and my wife was transforming from the hottie that I fell for into Holly Homebody the Coupon Clipper, but we were actually in a pretty good place. I just can't imagine how this would have turned out if we were going through a trying time, or something more serious. I have a feeling that things would have surely been tested. I almost want to bring it up with her somehow in case she finds herself in a similar situation one day.

And to answer those that asked about what I am going to do to try to make things better with the wife. I am working on it. I do have some special evening and weekend getaways planned. Places we went to while we were dating, and also a few new places that she said that she always wanted to go. It's a work in progress.

I have to say that this whole thing was pretty crazy, much like a tornado, or at least a "movie tornado" like the last scene in Twister. It came on VERY quickly, out of the blue, seemed like all $%#@ was breaking loose and in an instant, things calmed down and the sun peeked through the clouds.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yeah!
You did the right thing.
Good man!

Now ....just keep doing it.


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