# Thank You TAM



## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Over the last several years I've received an incredible education here on TAM. This has helped me immensely and now benefited a good friend.

A week ago we were talking and he was a mess. He'd had an off year or two due to several significant events in his life. Being distant, ignoring her, angry at life they moved apart. Her most recent reaction to him was asking for a separation. A window of several months was offered to work on themselves through counseling. He has been in counseling for a month or so, she for a long time. If no progress she would be moving out.

My first reaction was, "This is good". She's wanting to work and telling him that she loves him. Buuut the red flags started showing up.

- She abruptly changed the plans to move out in two weeks.
- She does not want any of the kids at the apartment with her
- New job
- Hanging out with co-workers
- New attention to her appearance
- No sex for several months
- Passwords changed on all electronics and apps
- Going out several times a week till very late

Red flag city, right?!? He agreed to the separation and was beating the crap our of himself for all his failures. I addressed the part he played and said counseling was great. Keep working on you and fix the stuff that needs fixing. And by the way, "have you heard of a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy".?? 

He got the book that night. Next day we talk again and he's blown away. I tell him the first thing he needs to address is the terms or lack thereof concerning separation. Are you two dating others? Finances? Kids? etc. He calls me later that night and says after he brought up red flags she admitted to a ONS. "Dude, you know that's not all of it". He's flat spinning now and can't figure out if he should kick his own butt or hers.

Two days later she says she's going out with a group from work. Will be out late. Holy crap!! "Dude!!! It's getting shoved in your face!!! Wake up!!!" 

He decides to check out her story. She's at a freaking filthy club. At first he sees her in a group of mixed company. Nothing terrible or confirming. I manage to convince him that a confrontation is not best and to get out before things go south. Minutes later he calls me back. She's holding hands with a guy and walking into the 'resort' portion of the club. I manage once again to convince him to really leave and stay on the phone till he's home.

Next day he has an appointment with his counselor. She gets home the morning of the next day. He calls me later to tell me what's up. 

*Punchline* -- He got his head wrapped around what was going on in his life and what his wife of more than 20 years was really up to. He woke her up. Told her he KNEW what was going on and TOLD HER TO PACK HER **** AND GET OUT!! NOW!!

He has a really long way to go and a lot of pain ahead. But he is prepped to handle his life and changed the course of it like a BS should. I'm in awe of what he did and how quickly (5 days) he went from whimpering wuss to beast.

I was able to help him ONLY because I got my degree in Coping With Infidelity from TAM. To all of you who contribute and share what you've learned you make this place incredibly valuable. Thank You.

~ Passio


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tell him to come here


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I agree have him come here, so we all can offer him the support he will need in the coming weeks and months.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Xenote said:


> Tell him to come here


I have encouraged him to come to TAM and drink from the fire hose directly. Hopefully he will take me up on it soon. 

~ Passio


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The ONLY part that is not seen here 10000 times before was the sex club.

Slightly different flavor of the same bad recipe we've seen so many times.


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