# Unhappily married and confused!!!



## confusedAS (Jan 14, 2013)

I've been married for 9 yrs. and I am now considering divorce within the next couple of days in which my husband has drawn up the papers and I have signed but he hasn't turned them in yet. To make a long story short, I was unfaithful to my husband and he found out. This has happened before with him as well. When he and I first started talking in Jul '02, he was married and I had just gotten out a bad relationship. It was good at first because the pampering was good. During this time he started talking to another girl and I got so pissed, I went off and got married to this guy who I went with before in which didn’t work cause my sold called married partner found out and paid for me to divorce (was only married 15 days). I did like the guy, but knew it wasn’t right because I wasn’t ready and the guy wasn’t stable. But I based it on my hurt feelings of my so called married boyfriend. But the only reason I truly got the divorce was because I was thinking that the so called married boyfriend would give all the material things he was giving me to the new girl he started seeing. (Wow, stupid right). 

He then got a divorce in Mar '03. He got deployed in May 2003 and we kept relationship going and got married Oct '03. Five months after we were married, I cheated once. When he came home, he still never knew. Then I got pregnant one month after he came home and about 3 months later he was cheating on me. Even though I had a one night stand in which he later found out, he kept on for about 4 yrs. on and off and about a year ago I found out that he possibly has teenage daughter. I was faithful to him until recently. 

The truth is I've been unhappy now for about 7yrs and I don't like sex with him as it feels like a chore. He's controlling and don't really like the fact that I have a close knit with my family and if could get us far away he would. I have a 12yr old daughter from a previous relationship in which he doesn't want to have anything to do with biological dad, so I sneak to let her see him and she loves him to death and has other siblings. We both have a 7yr old son together. My daughter and he don't get along and she told me she felt suicidal. I've taken her to counseling before, but really no success. I asked him several times about counseling and he refused to go. I’m happy when he is gone on travel. I had even gone to counseling for myself and he still refused.

I had a heart attack in Jan' 12 at the age of 35 which now has me feeling like I need to be concerned for my health and not stressed. He lost his 23yr old son in Jun '12 from a car accident. So we are both going through something. The only thing he wants to do is buy us material stuff thinking this is the answer for all our problems. What really led me to this other guy was that I was tired of how he made my daughter cry. He said she was going to fail school because of band and one day she was lying down tired after a band competition and not outside, he went to her room and fussed her out. He always got mad at her cause she didn't want to go outside to keep an eye on her brother.

I really care about this new guy, he makes me happy, understands me and we are so compatible and the five dimensions of chemistry, have a lot in common and he has a spiritual side that I like. When I signed those papers, I felt no regrets and until this day, I feel nothing, no loss, no numbness. I've been out of love with him and my daughter could care less if I leave. I'm just tired of the lies with him and I guess now, myself. He wants to work it out but I don't! My parents are giving me a hard time. They want me to stay married to my husband and disapprove of the new guy because he’s getting himself back in order because he lost everything in a 16 yr marriage that ended in divorce a year ago. What should I do? I’m so confussed.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

You Cheated on him several times since you met him. Plus he was married when you met him. And now you blame him for leading you to this new guy???


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> You Cheated on him several times since you met him. Plus he was married when you met him. And now you blame him for leading you to this new guy???


 

I once met a lady who accused her husband of "leaving a hole between them for another man to exploit".

Confused - you need to own your affair. It belongs 100% to you, unless say your husband stood over you with a glock and threatened to kill you if you didn't have an affair.


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## confusedAS (Jan 14, 2013)

First of to MSC71 and Caladan, I own up to the affair, never said I didn't and No I don't blame him for the affair cause we both were wrong. I'm not perfect or as can see it neither of US are or we wouldn't post on here. However, I take responsibility for my affair, just never thought it would lead to this. Sorry my childhood and adult life has turned out the way it has. I guess that's what I grew up around and never was taught how to genuinely love, just trying to find happiness in all the wrong places!


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I see. Your initial post seemed to imply that you blamed him for your cheating. 

Here's the thing though, I'm almost certain, based on your post, that you once felt the same way for your husband as you now feel for this new guy. This raises questions of course - if you do move on to the new relationship, what happens when the initial "oomph" dies out there?

I understand the shock to one's system that a major life event causes - the recent loss of a close childhood friend sent severe tremors through my life and plans. I'm of a similar age as you, so I get it.

I'd love to advise you to remain with your current husband and try to work things out, but I'd be hypocritical if I did. I doubt that I would do the same if I were in your shoes, though I believe that's the right thing to do.

All I can say here is - regardless of what you choose to do, make sure you figure yourself out. Make sure you know what makes you tick, what motivates you, and most of all, what you want. Yes, even in our late 30s, we often don't know this. and make sure, make sure you choose YOU, not your parents, not your husband, not the new guy, YOU. That way, regardless of how it all pans out in the end, you still win.

Best of luck with your decision confused, it's going to be a tricky ride, regardless of


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