# lost and dont know what to do anymore????



## 3rdtimetry (Sep 4, 2009)

So earlier this year my job had me away from home for quite some time.

It was the first time i had been in this uniqe situation and found myself under more stess then i had ever felt in my life.

I ended up emailing 2 girls some really graphic emails and then it ended up causing ALOT of problems and caused me to get demoted and loose money and the whole nin yards.

My wife was more the mad of course. It's several months later and she still says stuff and does stuff to let me know that i haven't even began to do things in her mind to start earning her trust again. 

I have been trying to get her to go to Marrige counceling with me, but do to alot of details she doesnt seem to be much interested in going, even though she says she does. 

We dang near cant even talk to eachother most of the time with out it turning into a "fight" and in the last year we have only had sex once and that didnt even make it all the way through if you know what i mean. 

I dont know if i can keep going like this. I know I messed up, but how long am i supposed to pay for this. how long do i have to be treated like I commited murder. How much should i have to do to start earning her trust again. 

This is my third marrige and i dont know how much longer i can go on like this. 

There are a ton of other details of course, but it would take way to long to add them all in.

any and all idea's, comments, suggestions, or anthing else could be great. 

This is my first post and i feel if i cant find a way to work through this i may just end up on that broken road again. If i get a third divorce i dont think ill ever end up getting married again....

Thanks


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sounds to me you would rather bale from problems than take what you earned. Your wife has a clear reason to be very angry. Money issue, demotion issue, women issue. Those are marriage breakers, my friend.

YOU go to counseling and stick to it; SHE is not the one with issues. THAT will bring HER around and help YOU to learn why you have poor judgement under stress. It will also help you learn how to be in a relationship; it begins with selfless behaviors.

I think you need to really THINK about why you have been married 3Xs...and discover yourself.

Oh, and don't do it to SAVE your MARRIAGE, do it to SAVE YOURSELF from yourself.


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## 3rdtimetry (Sep 4, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Sounds to me you would rather bale from problems than take what you earned. Your wife has a clear reason to be very angry. Money issue, demotion issue, women issue. Those are marriage breakers, my friend.
> 
> YOU go to counseling and stick to it; SHE is not the one with issues. THAT will bring HER around and help YOU to learn why you have poor judgement under stress. It will also help you learn how to be in a relationship; it begins with selfless behaviors.
> 
> ...




Well thank you for your opinion, but as i said there are a ton of details both about her and me that arnt in here yet. so ya. i guess those will come with time.


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## 3rdtimetry (Sep 4, 2009)

I've never talked about this before with anyone so i dont know what to say or not to say here, but i am looking for help to figure out if we should actually be together or not. 

And as far as me being married 3 times, the other 2 had nothing to do with what i'm talking about here so get off the soap box. thanks.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well if there are details which are relevant to your issue, then you need to clarify. However, from what you have posted, I call a spade a spade, I have no other option.

You don't like my reply, did you want me to tell you to run off and get another divorce and tell you your wife has no reason to be angry?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

A person who has been married three times clearly has a need to stop and analyze their mode of operation in life. 

Marriage is not a revolving door. Trust me, I know.


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## 3rdtimetry (Sep 4, 2009)

*


3rdtimetry said:



I've never talked about this before with anyone so i dont know what to say or not to say here, but i am looking for help to figure out if we should actually be together or not. 

And as far as me being married 3 times, the other 2 had nothing to do with what i'm talking about here so get off the soap box. thanks.

Click to expand...

*As I said I've never talked to anyone about this and i dont know what to say or not to say so that someone who might know who i am cant figure out its me. 

DOES THAT MAKE SINCE?? ya its a little sincitive. And for your information, She has said lets get a divorce numerous times and I'm the one trying to make this work. Believe me when i say that in the end i would come out a head on this, not her. and more thing anything i dont want to do that to her.........


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Why did you marry someone who clearly was not an asset to marry?


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I too, am having difficulty in dealing with my husband's affair, and it has been just over a year since I discovered it had been going on for seven months. When anyone is betrayed by another, even when it has nothing to do with your marriage, it can send you reeling. 

I have a lot of trust issues and anger that I never experienced prior to his affair, and it still bothers me a great deal at times. Many things trigger these emotions and I am still working very hard to find forgiveness in my heart. I know that I need to, because otherwise it will eat me completely up and I am aware that is not helping anyone. 

So I am continuing on a day by day basis to gain back the trust. It isn't easy but I am hopeful that I will eventually. I do not believe there is a time limit, as everyone is different, just as are relationships.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

3rd, I know you feel Sandy hasn't been sensitive to your questions and your problems, but she's telling you something really important -- you need to work on why you do these things in the first place. Whatever happened in the 1st two marriages probably never got resolved internally either and here you are in #3 with a whole new set of problems.

Before you ask whether your wife is the one for you, you have to figure out what you're all about. She may not be a prize pig, but you're not helping the matter one bit. Why not? What on earth would make you behave like this? Since you want to save the marriage, you obviously care. So what else would make you risk everything for some cheap thrills? Do you even know?

I really believe strongly that you (we -- that's you, me and everyone else) need to look inside before they can begin to look outside. It takes two well-grounded (and well-behaved) individuals to make a marriage work. Since you can't control her, you have to learn to control you. You have to exorcise your own demons. Then, if you change, you may see the dynamics of your marriage change.

I know it isn't easy. I know it is scary. First of all, you have to go into someone and "confess" all of your sins. You have to take responsibility for what you've done. And then you have to work on understanding yourself one one level and changing your behavior on another (even before you're ready because you just have to or you'll lose important relationships.) But what you need to know is that a good therapist isn't going to jump all over you. They're there to help you. So don't be defensive with us or anyone else who you turn to for help. Past that, for us anyway, we're a bunch of strangers perhaps thousands of miles away from you. Don't sweat it. Take the advice you can use, but open yourself up to all of the advice that you get. It may be just the thing you need.

Don't give any specifics -- no real names, no places. Are you afraid that someone will find you because they're watching you online or are you afraid that someone will stumble upon you and recognize you? If the former, I'd think that a lot of spouses would be glad that their spouse is looking for help so long as they are honest and accurate in their characterizations and descriptions and they're no trying to leave out important details. If the latter, it can happen. But it doesn't often.

Anyway, you're in the dog house for a good reason. What are you going to do to make it up to your wife and how long are you going to give her to "get over it"? It may require a very large amount of patience on your part. It may require a lot of agreeing with her that you were wrong and not defending yourself when she brings it up. It may be very unpleasant. But how do you think she feels knowing what you've done?


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