# Can't Let Go



## bayside05 (Dec 12, 2008)

Don't really know where to start... My previous marriage ended in 2001 due to a major drug addition (meth) and him being convicted of various federal crimes resulting in a sentence of 63 months in federal prison. Prior to his imprisonment, I had to endure a 9 month long divorce & custody battle to insure the safety of my then 3 year old daughter. 

I meet my current husband almost 5 years ago. At first I thought he was rude because he didn't have much to say but our first date was a night I will always remember. I never danced, laughed and smiled so much before... ever. We always had fun together.

I told my husband about my previous marriage.. how it ended; the reason it ended; and where my daughter's father was. I also made it perfectly clear I was not going to go through that again.

I would say in the summer of 2007, things started getting rocky. We began growing apart for what ever reason. We moved into a new home (not brand new - a fixer upper). I felt he didn't stay home enough to do things around the house to fix it up... but he wanted to go to a friends house to have a few beers in the evening after work. I would prepare dinner - he wouldn't eat. I would go to bed - he would sleep on the couch (most nights). 

By the end of 2007, he had found out his father was having an affair. His parents have been married for 40 years and this was very hard for him to accept. Not trying to make this an excuse for what is coming up. In January (our anniversary), I found evidence that he was using drugs (cocaine - so he says). I confronted him with it and he did not deny it. He said it was a stupid one time thing and he would never do it again. I believed him. 

I guess in April, I began to see a change in him. He began sleeping on the couch very regularly or in the spare room. Would not take a bath at night. Would not eat. Make excuses to have to leave. 

I began monitoring his cell phone usage and noticed repeated numbers. Having the history with my previous husband, I had mastered a few detective skills. Sure enough there were definite signs of crack cocaine use. Balled up aluminum foil... cut straws/pens... and other signs. I confronted him and was given the same song and dance... I'm sorry... it won't happen again... yadda yadda. And again in June. And in September he was arrest for a DUI (third) at 12:30 in the morning trying to go buy a Loratab. Needless to say that resulted in 12 months probation and not counting the money spent on fines, driving school, court referral officer, and legal expenses.

In April he was gone for 5 days and I changed the locks. In June he was gone for about the same. This Thanskgiving he was gone for about 8 days. And he is not here tonight, he is trying to give me time to decide if I am willing to open up and let him back in. 

Granted since all of this has happened, I have been able to build this wall between us. I CAN'T LET GO of his past actions. I don't know if all he has done has destroyed the feeling of "being in love" with him. I know I do love him and would feel great grief if anything ever happened to him. I am at a crossroad in our relationship and not sure which way to turn. 

Since he has come home this last time, he has shown more productive efforts around the home by doing laundry, making an effort to cook a meal, doing the chores he had not even attempted to complete. He has substantially cut his drinking back from a 12-pack a day to about 3 or 4 beers a day and sometimes less than that. 

Am I wanting too much? Am I expecting too much? I find myself thinking when will be the next time he does drugs or gets another DUI... next month, in 6 months? I am having a hard time of letting him prove himself and I may be part of the problem as well. He tells me not to compare him to my previous husband but he doesn't help the situation by acting like him (less the criminal acts).


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

AA and counciling may be a place for him to start building himself and repair the marriage. 

draconis


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## bayside05 (Dec 12, 2008)

I see that clearly and so woud the average sober person. I have recommended but he is not willing... He thinks he can deal with his problems himself. He feels he has "conquered" the crack problem (now mind you he never calls any of his problems an addition). He has stated on several occassions he will never totally quite drinking but will not drink as much because it has been getting "excessive a bit."

There are more instances of his I would say childish, unhusbandlike behavior that I will not bore you all with. Bottom line is he has deeper issue and as well as I do, that we both need to deal with if this is going to work. I just don't know if I will be able to get him there... I will go regardless.


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## bo0 (Dec 12, 2008)

You gotta at least give him a chance. It takes longer for some people to change than others, but as long as you see effort and improvement don't give up!

Good Luck!!


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