# Wife did not tell me she was off of birth control



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

My wife and I have one child under the age of three. She said that she thought it would be good if we had one more child. I told her that it would be nice but the stress she is under now just raising the one kid is bad enough. She is also getting older where there could be complications. She did not like my reasons and said that if I didn't want another child that it would drive a wedge between us. At this time I had been left with doing basically all the housework after working all day. The house would be in a terrible mess. We hadn't been having much sex at all until one weekend where we had sex four times in two days. This is how it was when we were dating so it felt good. She suffers from depression and was admitted to the hospital for a week. During her stay there she told me that she found out that she wasn't pregnant. This was a surprise since I thought she was on birth control. She had to go to a doctor to get the implant removed. I feel betrayed and used like she just wanted me as a means to get pregnant. Some people will say that if I was so concerned about not getting pregnant then I should had used a condom. Why would I do this when I thought she was on birth control that is about 100 percent effective. I found all this out back in March and we haven't had sex since. I just cant get rid of the feelings I have about being betrayed. I should probably just let it go but somehow can not.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. I also don't blame you for not having sex since March. 

As a father of 3, I know how expensive it is to raise kids and if you get fooled into having another one, you'll be on the hook for at least the next 21 years.

Does your wife in any type of therapy or on meds for her depression?

Would you consider another child if she could prove that she can take care of the first one and the house (to a degree)?


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I don't think I will ever change my mind. She has done somewhat better in the household stuff. She is already over the age of 40 also. She has not been taking care of herself like she should. Everytime that I think she finally will I just end up disappointed. I have another thread in the depression forum for more information.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

EDCIJB, that is DEFINITELY a betrayal. That's major life stuff, you don't lie about things like that. 

I'm sorry.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> My wife and I have one child under the age of three. She said that she thought it would be good if we had one more child. I told her that it would be nice but the stress she is under now just raising the one kid is bad enough. She is also getting older where there could be complications. She did not like my reasons and said that if I didn't want another child that it would drive a wedge between us. At this time I had been left with doing basically all the housework after working all day. The house would be in a terrible mess. We hadn't been having much sex at all until one weekend where we had sex four times in two days. This is how it was when we were dating so it felt good. She suffers from depression and was admitted to the hospital for a week. During her stay there she told me that she found out that she wasn't pregnant. This was a surprise since I thought she was on birth control. She had to go to a doctor to get the implant removed. I feel betrayed and used like she just wanted me as a means to get pregnant. Some people will say that if I was so concerned about not getting pregnant then I should had used a condom. Why would I do this when I thought she was on birth control that is about 100 percent effective. I found all this out back in March and we haven't had sex since. I just cant get rid of the feelings I have about being betrayed. I should probably just let it go but somehow can not.


HUGE betrayal! As a woman, I think that's disgusting. My husband hates the idea of officially trying. He doesn't like to know we're trying when I'm trying. So I let him know that I'm not on birth control. I make sure he's very aware of this fact and then let him proceed at will. We also talk about having another baby and make sure all is kosher. At least that's what we did when we were really trying for the first 2. Now that we're ambivalent on the 3rd (me especially) we're using a combination of methods to prevent but nothing formal. So we both know another child is possible and we're both ok for the most part.

I think it's fair for you to get a vasectomy at this point. Tell her what you told us and tell her that she's been deem untrustworthy so you're going to take permanent measures. I don't think she should have another child either. I grew up with a depressed mom. it's no fun.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I have thought about a vasectomy but I am not sure where this marriage is headed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does it matter? Would you really want to start over with newborns again anyway? I'm 44, separated last year, and I can tell you that I don't regret being snipped long ago. I wouldn't want to start all over again with kids, personally.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Huge Betrayal. Anyone in your position has the right to be mad. 

I wonder if she had gotten pregnant if she would have just told you that the birth control just failed.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> I wonder if she had gotten pregnant if she would have just told you that the birth control just failed.


My wife was on the pill when she got pregnant (before we got married). this is something I am afraid will haunt me for a long time, despite anything she tells me.

I love her, I love our son and I think we are building a happy life together, but I really don't know to shake this. It's dark stuff.


EDCIJB,

you shouldn't let this go. If I were in your situation and knew that I could swing it financially, I don't even know if I would stay.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

She betrayed and disrespected you, no question. She also ignored your concerns and thought about her needs only, which is typical selfish behavior, especially in a sexless marriage. 

There are some good things though, she loves you. She wants to have another child with you. She disrespects you but respects you enough to want you as her offspring's father. 

I have nothing else to add, sorry. Tough situation, I'd be mad at my wife but I guess I would get over it. I am sure I would eventually tell myself it's because she loves me and her clock was ticking.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wow, she sounds selfish and she will always have a reason to be depressed or someother reason so you can continue to do all the work and house work while disrespecting your wishes.

I'd run far away from this woman. A women who would strap you with 18years of obligation with out your consent is an evil woman.

sorry but thats how I see it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EDCIJB said:


> I have thought about a vasectomy but I am not sure where this marriage is headed.


So you're not opposed to another child, you're just opposed to a child with her?

While your wife did betray your trust, I think you've catered to her too much. If she's not working, there's no reason she can't do ALL the housework.

You should read some of the man up threads in the Men's Clubhouse section.

Good luck.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I am 43 years old so I am pretty sure that I don't want another child. Our child is finally able to sleep a whole night which is good. On the other hand if I were to leave her I might meet someone that would be better suited to the demands of being a wife and mom which might change my mind. I have stopped doing certain tasks just to see how long it will take her to take some action.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

What a sad situation. I'm really sorry you are going through this. Your wife definitely should not have betrayed you. So you do not want to have another child with your wife, but you don't want to get a vasectomy because you want to keep your options open with another woman? It's nice that you have that option.

At 40 years old, your wife clearly does not have that many more years to have a baby. She probably felt very desperate to have another baby . I'm in no means excusing what she did, but I do think you should consider her feelings on this. Did you discuss the number of children that you wanted to have before you got married?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So you're not opposed to another child, you're just opposed to a child with her?
> 
> While your wife did betray your trust, I think you've catered to her too much. If she's not working, there's no reason she can't do ALL the housework.
> 
> ...


Wow. I certainly do not agree that if she is "not working" she should do ALL the housework. Does taking care of a small child not count as work? So when you get home from work, you get to relax while your wife keeps taking care of the house and kids without a break? Being a mom is a 24/7 job. If that was my husband's attitude, I'd never get a break. We work together on caring for the kids in the evenings so we can both get a few hours of relaxation in the evening.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I was hoping that we could work together too. I am handy at doing things like fixing things around the house but all of my time was spent cleaning and doing laundry. Our child is in daycare during the mornings so that would give her time to do stuff around the house and to have time to herself. I am not the type to want to just sit around.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> I was hoping that we could work together too. I am handy at doing things like fixing things around the house but all of my time was spent cleaning and doing laundry. Our child is in daycare during the mornings so that would give her time to do stuff around the house and to have time to herself. I am not the type to want to just sit around.


Your child is in daycare in the mornings? Well, that is a little different as far as the time-to-yourself thing goes. What does she do while your child is in daycare? If your wife was more proactive with housework, childcare, and her depression, would you have been more willing to have another child with her? I can see why you wouldn't want to if she was not willing to at least try to stay on top of these things. What frustrates me is when a husband has an attitude he should not have to help around the house if he is working. But it doesn't sound like that is the case at all here. 

And I can imagine that the trust issue is a big deal. It would be hard to have sex with that in the back of your mind all the time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This stuff makes me sick. Then she'll wonder why you are supportive.

This is betrayal of the worst kind, imo.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Well if you're unsure about leaving her, I wouldn't have sex with her without a condom (if at all). Sounds like you should make up your mind quickly. This would convince me to go if I were a man. I can't be with someone who I can't trust on an issue as HUGE as bring another life into the world. That's a gigantic decision that should not be made by one person on a whim. Yuck


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> Wow. I certainly do not agree that if she is "not working" she should do ALL the housework. Does taking care of a small child not count as work?


It counts. But it counts for what it is. If a woman is so exhausted caring for one young child that she can't also do all of the general housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry), then she's doing it wrong.



momtwo4 said:


> So when you get home from work, you get to relax while your wife keeps taking care of the house and kids without a break? Being a mom is a 24/7 job. If that was my husband's attitude, I'd never get a break. We work together on caring for the kids in the evenings so we can both get a few hours of relaxation in the evening.


My wife isn't a SAHM. But, if she were, then she would actually have to live up to her responsibilities and keep the house up.

And I totally agree with both spouses sharing the kids in the evening. That's good for everyone. I just disagree with a SAHM suggesting that she can't put a kid down for a nap and then do some housework, so it becomes the husband's responsibility.


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