# My situations ??



## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

Im the oldest out of 3 younger siblings.

I wasn't the best treated out of them growing up.

Ive been in a relationship with a girl for about 3 years not too long ago.


The revalations about what I found out AFTER we broke up still haunts me to this day.

The cheating on me.


People close to me the secrecy.


with people knowing about it.

the favorites in my family all played a part in my life.


Thanks for the add.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell your story. What did you find out. Who knew? Why didn't they tell you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It just goes to show that blood is slicker than clean water, this is but a footnote to your continuing and yellowed familial journal. 

Please note: 
Some male, these malevolent friends, follow first the scent of a women, blinded by lust. Friends can [supposedly] be replaced, a romp with a specific women, not so, ever. You get shunted aside for that traitorous short romp in the hay.

Even if they did not participate in the actual penetrating drama. 
They were voyeurs to it. 
They watched from the slime-lines. 

Ah, what you do not know will not hurt you. 
Foolish, careless people these are.

Shallow, thin skinned little devils, they are.

Some of these imagined friends wanted their own share, felt you had no share, ah, felt you were not worthy.

I see jealousy and resentment at play here. 

They wanted what you had. 
And they got ‘it’. 

That warm place you so adored.

Seeing a women humiliate you behind your back must have been an added thrill to some of them.

Somebody else got their digs into you, to their delight.

Time for new friends, and new acquaintances. 

Any family involved should be vacated, for say five or ten years, never dignifying them with an answer. 

People who go out of their way to hurt a friend are no friend to anyone, especially to themselves.

Maturity, when and if it arrives for them, may ameliorate their sins. 

Count not, on this.





[The Helmsman]- honest words offered and forwarded by Queen Nemesis.


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## Doesthepainstop (Mar 7, 2019)

Dang that sucks


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## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

The more I grew up the more I realized there was a favorite. I tried to get along with my parents and be like my dad for god knows why. But looking back I wanted him to treat me as an equal to my younger siblings which never happened.

My grandfather was a Fire Fighter so his children my dad and my Aunts/Uncle followed suit. When I was old enough I joined the Fire House my dad was at and I could tell he was proud but proud and equal were never the same. I was still treated as an under to my siblings. Now this may be petty but these are the instances that stood out, a couple times when me and my siblings were still all in school my Mom or Dad would take them out for day get lunch or shopping orwhatever and I would be left at home. Of course I would call one of them and get a usual "I didnt think you wanted to go" and truly maybe they didnt. But other times were birthdays.

My birthday Feb. 5th fell very close to super bowl sunday. Now we were a middle class family so money was tight growing up with 3 kids. But one time my birthday was on Super Bowl Sunday so my parents brought my cake to the Fire House my dad was an Officer at, at the time. Problem was no one knew except family it was my birthday. So to me it felt like they bundled my birthday with the Super Bowl to save time and money (granted I said money was tight so no fault) but my siblings always had parties at places like a trampoline park with all her friends invited plus family friends and family. So to me it hit home when I got older that I was NOT the favorite.

Another time and this is specifically with my father but if they asked for something (shoes, or any kind of electronics) they got it the next day. Now on my end it would take a month to 3 months to happen. When I got older it drew me farther from me wanting to talk to my dad or even like him. And as for how all that made me feel, I refuse to talk to my parents on an emotional level or what my interests are now. Living on my own I dont go out of my way to visit them unless we are going over to a family members house. Now again this may all be petty but these are what stood out for me as a kid and more now as an adult.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Something you'll realize as you get older is that you don't HAVE to do anything with regards to your parents. Their job was to raise you and set you free. Your obligation to them ended there. Maybe you will be there for them when they get old and feeble, but for now? Do you.


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## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

turnera said:


> Something you'll realize as you get older is that you don't HAVE to do anything with regards to your parents. Their job was to raise you and set you free. Your obligation to them ended there. Maybe you will be there for them when they get old and feeble, but for now? Do you.



Shouldnt the " favorite " child have this responsibility to care for them ??

Why should it be MY responsibility ??


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## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

Sorry


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## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

The more I grew up the more I realized there was a favorite. I tried to get along with my parents and be like my dad for god knows why. But looking back I wanted him to treat me as an equal to my younger siblings which never happened.

My grandfather was a Fire Fighter so his children my dad and my Aunts/Uncle followed suit. When I was old enough I joined the Fire House my dad was at and I could tell he was proud but proud and equal were never the same. I was still treated as an under to my siblings. Now this may be petty but these are the instances that stood out, a couple times when me and my siblings were still all in school my Mom or Dad would take them out for day get lunch or shopping orwhatever and I would be left at home. Of course I would call one of them and get a usual "I didnt think you wanted to go" and truly maybe they didnt. But other times were birthdays.

My birthday Feb. 5th fell very close to super bowl sunday. Now we were a middle class family so money was tight growing up with 3 kids. But one time my birthday was on Super Bowl Sunday so my parents brought my cake to the Fire House my dad was an Officer at, at the time. Problem was no one knew except family it was my birthday. So to me it felt like they bundled my birthday with the Super Bowl to save time and money (granted I said money was tight so no fault) but my siblings always had parties at places like a trampoline park with all her friends invited plus family friends and family. So to me it hit home when I got older that I was NOT the favorite.

Another time and this is specifically with my father but if they asked for something (shoes, or any kind of electronics) they got it the next day. Now on my end it would take a month to 3 months to happen. When I got older it drew me farther from me wanting to talk to my dad or even like him. And as for how all that made me feel, I refuse to talk to my parents on an emotional level or what my interests are now. Living on my own I dont go out of my way to visit them unless we are going over to a family members house. Now again this may all be petty but these are what stood out for me as a kid and more now as an adult.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I was the oldest, an introvert. My sister was the favorite of my parents, an extrovert. Our parents are deceased, but now she says she was expected to 'live up to me' and hated it. Who knew? I hated that she got what she wanted at the same time as me--money was tight--she didn't have to wait. Do you see the similarities? Once one of my mom's friends asked me if it bothered me that my sister was the favorite. I thought this was a tactless question and had not realized it was obvious to others.

Part of the difference is birth order and parenting experience! Part is truth of preferences. I would not want to change places with her, nor she with me. We are good friends as adults, but we were like competitors when younger. She recently made a purchase of something expensive, but mundane, that she had always wanted because I'd had one for a decade--I had no idea. Mine was bought out of necessity--hers because she wanted what I had. 

Because of proximity, I was glad to be able to care for my parents in their old age. She regretted that her life precluded her being there. It takes maturity to let old things go. We have each others backs now. Life happens and how we choose to deal with it is the measure of a person. All parties involved have to want to work together. 

My happiness today evolves from living gratefully in the present, blessed by God, and choosing to trust His plan.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: Who here was NOT the favorite child growing up??*

Transferred from your introductory thread...

I was the oldest, an introvert. My sister was the favorite of my parents, an extrovert. Our parents are deceased, but now she says she was expected to 'live up to me' and hated it. Who knew? I hated that she got what she wanted at the same time as me--money was tight--she didn't have to wait. Do you see the similarities? Once one of my mom's friends asked me if it bothered me that my sister was the favorite. I thought this was a tactless question and had not realized it was obvious to others.

Part of the difference is birth order and parenting experience! Part is truth of preferences. I would not want to change places with her, nor she with me. We are good friends as adults, but we were like competitors when younger. She recently made a purchase of something expensive, but mundane, that she had always wanted because I'd had one for a decade--I had no idea. Mine was bought out of necessity--hers because she wanted what I had.

Because of proximity, I was glad to be able to care for my parents in their old age. She regretted that her life precluded her being there. It takes maturity to let old things go. We have each others backs now. Life happens and how we choose to deal with it is the measure of a person. All parties involved have to want to work together.

My happiness today evolves from living gratefully in the present, blessed by God, and choosing to trust His plan.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Who here was NOT the favorite child growing up??*



> Another time and this is specifically with my father but if they asked for something (shoes, or any kind of electronics) they got it the next day. Now on my end it would take a month to 3 months to happen. When I got older it drew me farther from me wanting to talk to my dad or even like him. And as for how all that made me feel, I refuse to talk to my parents on an emotional level or what my interests are now. Living on my own I dont go out of my way to visit them unless we are going over to a family members house. Now again this may all be petty but these are what stood out for me as a kid and more now as an adult.


You should do whatever you feel is necessary to feel safe. I don't talk to my mother about anything personal or substantial because I know she uses that information to get nasty with me.

And she's still trying. I just went away for a week skiing, she came along. Because it becomes obvious I like a certain channel for news, she then berated the pundits on the shows and how they have a nice little job after working for the government. For someone who has never had a career, who has not had to work outside the home since the early 60s, it's a bit rich to be condescending about other people's work. But I realize at the end of the trip, she needs to put down anything that I like. 

People will find peace in various ways. You do not have to sacrifice your sanity to prove to others that you have moved on.


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## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> I was the oldest, an introvert. My sister was the favorite of my parents, an extrovert. Our parents are deceased, but now she says she was expected to 'live up to me' and hated it. Who knew? I hated that she got what she wanted at the same time as me--money was tight--she didn't have to wait. Do you see the similarities? Once one of my mom's friends asked me if it bothered me that my sister was the favorite. I thought this was a tactless question and had not realized it was obvious to others.
> 
> Part of the difference is birth order and parenting experience! Part is truth of preferences. I would not want to change places with her, nor she with me. We are good friends as adults, but we were like competitors when younger. She recently made a purchase of something expensive, but mundane, that she had always wanted because I'd had one for a decade--I had no idea. Mine was bought out of necessity--hers because she wanted what I had.
> 
> ...


Why us it that the LEST liked child is always expected to care for their parents when theyre older ??

What happened to the favorite ??


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

What happened with your exGF and your family? They say you can't pick your family, and they are right. Distance yourself from those that hurt you and especially ones that hid the fact that she cheated. They are NO friend to you and that is more important. Why would you want to hang around people that helped her/hid from you, that she cheated?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

It wasn't expected of me; I chose to do it. I loved my parents and my sister, just didn't always like their decisions.

I would not change place with my sister. If had had an emergency during the 'caring for' years, she would come. Circumstances dictated who was available and for how long. She has her victories and defeats and I have mine. I like who I am, who I've become--not perfect, of course, but extraordinarily content.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Who here was NOT the favorite child growing up??*

I think it would be accurate to say that, when I was growing up, both of my parents were self-absorbed and neglectful. 

My mom favors my brother (he's younger), while my dad shows more patience to me. 

I recently stopped speaking to my mom, because even after almost 50 years of trying to earn her approval, she's just stuck in this place where the majority of what I say and do is wrong. She's still the same person I grew up with, and I got tired of it. So much of her displeasure is her own doing (inside her mind), yet she kept trying to take out imagined slights on me. 

But now I'm an adult, and it's only been the past 5 years (more or less) that I've been able to overcome my fear of her. I started questioning her and talking back, and she didn't want to hear it.

Not having any sort of connection with her anymore makes me sad, but the truth is that the only thing I've lost is hope. The one thing I've given up is the fantasy that we'll have any sort of healthy relationship.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

*Re: Who here was NOT the favorite child growing up??*

I was step child. 2 older step siblings. 2 younger half siblings. And now one half sibling 30yr younger than me.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Wow, my heart goes out to you.

My first husband had 3 daughters that we had custody of. I don't know if the oldest was his "favorite" but she was the worst behaved and got special treatment all the time. For example, we'd all be watching TV on the weekend and he'd decide he didn't want the kids around so he'd send them all to their room. The younger two would stay there until he let them out. The oldest would just quietly creep back into the room with us 5 minutes later and he's let her stay. That was mild.

A more extreme example was one time he grounded the oldest and she couldn't go shopping for school clothes with her sisters and me. I took the younger two and bought them necessities on a budget. A few days later one of the younger ones calls me at work crying because they come home from school to a note telling them that Daddy took the oldest out shopping and for them to get their homework done. So, ultimately she got rewarded for being grounded by getting daddy to herself for the afternoon and he bought her all kinds of expensive stuff, much more than I got her sisters. And they felt punished for being good.

That kind of favoritism really hurts.

*What happened with your relationship and cheating and your family? I don't blame you for not being emotionally close to your parents. Are they even aware things are strained?*




Whateverittakes said:


> The more I grew up the more I realized there was a favorite. I tried to get along with my parents and be like my dad for god knows why. But looking back I wanted him to treat me as an equal to my younger siblings which never happened.
> 
> My grandfather was a Fire Fighter so his children my dad and my Aunts/Uncle followed suit. When I was old enough I joined the Fire House my dad was at and I could tell he was proud but proud and equal were never the same. I was still treated as an under to my siblings. Now this may be petty but these are the instances that stood out, a couple times when me and my siblings were still all in school my Mom or Dad would take them out for day get lunch or shopping orwhatever and I would be left at home. Of course I would call one of them and get a usual "I didnt think you wanted to go" and truly maybe they didnt. But other times were birthdays.
> 
> ...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

*Re: Who here was NOT the favorite child growing up??*

I have one brother. I will have to say that I always felt like we were treated equally my entire life. My parents were logical. laid-back people. We didn't have any drama when I was a child, nor do they now. My grandparents were the same. I always felt equally loved by everyone. It's something I have to look back on; it's not really something I thought about at the time. I guess being treated equally was just a normal thing, so I didn't give it any thought at the time. Of course, neither of us gave our parents any reason to like one over the other. We were both good kids with no negative behaviors.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Who here was NOT the favorite child growing up??*

I don't think that treatment is as uncommon as parents like to pretend it is. They know but they deny.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: Who here was NOT the favorite child growing up??*

I'm not sure they actually KNOW. Is it denial or the belief that different kids need different things? excel in different things? Ability to parent changes, too, as the family progresses. Sometimes, it seems habits are hard to die.

On the other hand, I've seen parents who are blatant and think the child deserves special treatment in one way or another.

Interesting how my perspective as a parent and that when I was a child change.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Who here was NOT the favorite child growing up??*

I think most parents who do that know deep down what they're doing regardless of how hard they try to spin it. My MIL absolutely refused to accept any part in creating that dysfunction. Many children manage to eventually overcome all (or most) of that. My ex-husband and his siblings never did. They all had their roles to play and they stuck to them. Watching that play out for decades made me grateful I never experienced it when I was growing up. It's just wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Whateverittakes said:


> Shouldnt the " favorite " child have this responsibility to care for them ??
> 
> Why should it be MY responsibility ??


Let me rephrase this for you: Why IS it your responsibility?

Only ONE PERSON can give that responsibility to you, and that is YOU.

So ask yourself why you are allowing it to happen.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Are you sure (DNA) that your dad is your actual biological father?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Why did the people who withheld the truth from you do so?

Just not that invested in your wellbeing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Whateverittakes

I merged your two threads since they are on the same topic.


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## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

Dang


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Decorum said:


> Are you sure (DNA) that your dad is your actual biological father?


Hmmmmmm..... Interesting question.


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## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> Decorum said:
> 
> 
> > Are you sure (DNA) that your dad is your actual biological father?
> ...



Why is that ???


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Whateverittakes said:


> Why is that ???


Because there are a LOT of people finding out accidentally through DNA tests that their father is not their biological father. Apparently it's much more common than you'd suspect. If the father knew or sensed he was not the birth father that might have unconsciously created an indifference.

I've also read sad stories about a child with a very strong familiar resemblance and traits to a grandparent or other relative who was abusive to the parent, and the parent unconsciously just could not stand that child, not because the child had done anything wrong, just because looking at the child triggered memories of the abuse.


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## Whateverittakes (Mar 10, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> Whateverittakes said:
> 
> 
> > Why is that ???
> ...



Well no im his for sure.

Just not the favorite


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Why is it you must be part of them to have some sense of your own identity?

You exists as do they, is that not enough?

Start carrying your own water. 
If you persist doing otherwise....you will die of thirst.

Your importance in life comes from your own view in life, not from others looking at that same image in the mirror.

When others look in the mirror, they first see themselves, not you, nearby.
That is how it should be.

You are one of many.
See and love your own image.

If you are kind and charitable you will see others in a good light.

Most people who look in that mirror half-close their eyes.
Some genuinely have limited vision.

Forgive those who are rather blind.
Doing so will open your own eyes, giving you comfort when you again look in the mirror.





[The Helmsman]- words from a matured SunCMars.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If these people are toxic in your life now, then you are not required to continue having any kind of relationship with them. That is one of the perks of being an adult, you dont have to have anyone in your life you dont want to. Cut them all out if thats what you need, or cut your father out, whatever it is that YOU need. 

You may also consider getting therapy as well, so that you can learn to process and let go of what happened to you in the past. My ex husband never was able to let go of mistreatment from his childhood, despite his family becoming closer and supportive through the years. He refused to get therapy for it to help him learn to cope and let go, it was something that he dwelled on ALL THE TIME. Sadly he ended up taking his own life. I am NOT saying that is where you are headed, (very extreme!) but it isnt a healthy way to live with this still being such a prominent issue for you.


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