# Totally got myself into this and now my brain is fried



## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

I'll try to keep this short...bottom line is I've falling in love with the girl I'm cheating on my wife with and I'm not sure what to do next..

My wife and I are in our early 30s and have been together 10yrs/married 6yrs with 2 young kids. Our sex life before marriage was pretty normal but came to a screeching halt, when we got married.

I complained about this stuff a lot and did a lot of work to try to change it and it seemed to be working, but she got pregnant in early 2007. She refused to have sex with me for TWO full years

For some reason in 2009 she got interested in sex again and we got preganant again (planned) and she immediately stopped sex again. At this point, We've had sex about 10 times in 4 years. 

Recently, I was on an extended business trip and commuting for about 2 months. One night after a long commute, I asked for sex and was immediately turned down with no thought given towards it. I was humiliated. I decided that night I would never ask again.

On the last week of this trip I was flirting with a beautiful woman and in a drunken haze she threw herself at me. I didn't stop her. Afterwards, I started texting her, and slowly built up a long distance relationship via text. Now we constantly text and we've met up several times and have the most passionate sex I've ever had. I genuinely love spending time with her. She knows I'm married and we've tried to end our affair twice, but we can't seem to. Inside its tearing her apart and its completly screwed up my brain. 

Part of me wants to just divorce my wife immediately because this lack of passion is making me stray and its just going to keep getting worse. I hate cheating. 

The other part of me thinks this is a phase and dumping your wife because she's not boinking you enough is horrible. Not to mention, tear apart your family and kids 

My wife and I don't fight, its more like were really good friends raising some kids.

I realize that my actions arent justified. I hate cheating, its pathetic, but....am I missing out on my "soul mate" or just about to completely destroy the past 10 yrs of my life and my kids future?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dudeguy said:


> and she immediately stopped sex again. At this point, We've had sex about 10 times in 4 years.


It may be wrong, but it is very understandable (in my personal opionion) how you have come to this place. You was living in what many consider a SEX LESS marraige. No man signs up for this. And young wives should be warned what happens when they deny their husbands. She has done you wrong, you in turn have fallen into the arms of another. 

A shame 2 kids are involved, but if you are miserable and suffering, you will not be a happy father in such a marraige, while dreaming of passion with another. 

Sit your wife down, give her your heart, your desire to keep the family together, but also your pain over the constant rejection. Come forth about the affair, she will want to kick you & scream, maybe even hate you at 1st, but after some time and grieving, if she can not acknowlege her part in how you have come to this place in desperation, but only blame you and take no inside look at herself. I would not stay with her, you are too young to be deprived of one of the greatest joys in life and love. 

Sex & marraige go hand in hand. Our creators intention. No healthy marraige will survive without it if one spouse is suffering and the other takes no care, feeling no responsibilty to love & cherish in this passionate way.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

You are forced to cheat! 

Your wife can't blame you but herself. 

If you live in a life like this just because of your children, I think it is too much you are sacrificing. And believe me, your children won't thank you for what you are doing. If you are not happy, you will affect your children indirectly. 

If you are not happy, you have to think more about what you are going to do. We don't come to this world to slave for others!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm not going to argue the point that I believe the cheater always has a choice. And while the person being cheated on might share 50% of what went wrong in the marriage, the cheater has 100% of the blame for cheating. There is always an option, even if it is to leave.
It's interesting that your wife stopped sex after the birth of children. Is it possible that she suffers from post partum depression? Maybe her hormones went out of whack and never stabilized after birth? There are many issues that might have affected her during this time, that didn't resolve themselves WITH time. She likely could have used a full medical check up, as well as meeting with a therapist. I don't know what "stuff" you did to change things, that made them better for awhile. It might have helped to sit her down and tell her that there was a REAL problem here, and the marriage was going to go up in smoke if you didn't get to the bottom of things *together*. You mentioned that it also came to a screeching halt when you got married. It really sounds like your wife has issues of some kind regarding sex (either emotional or physical). Some visits to various doctors would have been in order.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Thanks for the quick response guys. I really appreciate it.

I think my wife stopped having sex because she gained weight. I've never mentioned her weight or altered the way I acted but I guess it was that. Also, as our sex life morphed into her just laying there until I was done. Trust me, we used to have pretty normal sex and finishing in 2 minutes was not the norm. But 2 minute sex was pretty much the only sex I could get from her. Sadly, the only time she wanted "normal" sex was if she had a few drinks. At the time and even in retrospect that really bothers me. 

When I spoke to her about it in the past she mentioned my contributions to the house. At first I resisted, but eventually became more active which seemed to help, but it wasn't the solution. She still regularly turned me down and if we did have sex, she was not a participant.

As for mental capacity...you may have a point but chemically.. When we trying different things to fix this before kids, she discovered she had an iron defeciency and I think theyre might have been a slight change when she started taking medication for it...but then we got pregnant. Since kids I believe we have reverted back to how we were before, with me being turned down...except I quit asking and I'm starting to move on


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to stop the affair. It is clouding all your decisions. You cannot make progress in your marriage if you have this outlet/distraction. With two young kids involved, it is worth the effort.

This isn't a moral judgement; it's just a statement of fact. To give your marriage 1/2 a chance, you must stop the affair and start counseling. You will grieve the loss of your lover for several months and you will want to blame your wife for your unhappiness about losing your lover. She has done nothing to merit that blame. As you know, you needed to go to counseling rather than seethe silently and turn to another woman. The passion of the affair will make your marriage seem quite bland and confining for a while. Let time pass, keep working on the marriage, and give it 100% of your attention. Good luck.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

I lived like this for four years and i'm the woman, now Iv'e gone he won't let me alone yet he can't offer me anything let alone the sex or affection, I had no affair though but who could have blamed me if I did, we all need love and if it's not there people will stray and find it elsewhere it's the way we are made.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

There are a few people who may respond to you by saying that your adultury is your wife's fault. I disagree because we are each responsible for our own behavior.

That being said, if you want to save your marriage you'll need to break off all contact with the other woman, admit to your wife what has happened, and you both should seek counseling.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

My situation is not as bad as yours, but I still can relate to you. My wife refuses to kiss me anymore, and although she does not deny me sex all the time (only about 50% of the time), when she does, it is me who almost always has to initiate it, and she always acts like it is a chore that she has to do. She basically just lays there too, until I am done. Because of this, I usually don't ask her to anymore. She will initiate about once a month and the sex is better, but I'm still not allowed to kiss her, or have any type of foreplay. She has told me that she would be ok with it if I was to kiss another women, and I have on two occassions a couple of years ago, but stopped it before it led to sex. I am between a rock and a hard place. I do not want to cheat, but I also do not want a divorce (because of the kids and other factors). I do not advocate cheating to you, although I can definitely understand why you are. I think that you need to have a very frank talk with your wife and explain that you are not willing to live in a sexless marriage, and that something needs to change (you two can decide what.) She can try and meet your needs better, the two of you can compromise on that, or you can have an open marriage, or the two of you can go your seperate ways, if you are willing to do that. You have to decide what you are willing to live with, and what you are not. I think that there may be some built up resentment on your wife's part and that may be playing a role in why she won't have sex with you. I would put a stop to the affair until the two of you talk honestly with eachother and decide on what course of action you are going to take. I would also recommend MC for the both of you if she is willing to go.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

1. If there are things that YOU are doing to distance yourself, make yourself unavailable or unappealing emotionally, determine that they are and own them. If you have let her down in HER areas of love, figure out how and what and own it.

2. Lay it out there for your wife. Own the things that are yours. And tell her exactly how much you AREN'T going to live a loveless, sexless life.

Ask her to get in the game and fix your marriage, on BOTH sides.

If not, stop living a lie and get out.

That is my opinion, for what it is worth. Best of luck to you.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Sisters359 and chrisinnova, *You're right. If I'm serious about my marriage I need to end the affair and get counseling.

I know my affair is clouding my judgement...but part of me thinks if I reconcile things will relapse soon. *Apparently she's comfortable with zero contact for 4 years, you know?

*Also, I know I'm avoiding the issue. When I've confronted her in the past, it really hurt to hear her say "I just don't want to have sex with you". Or "hurry up" or "I don't like having sex with you that often". * I think I "seethe silently" because I don't want to hear that again.

Kendra275 and Russ101: I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar boat.*

Vthomeschoolmom: *excellent advice. *Thank you

If you would have told me I would be in this position 5 years ago. I would have been extremely unsympathetic. *I feel couples should be open with each other and here I am doing the exact opposite. Not to mention I'm breaking my fling's heart, my wife's and my family's.*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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