# Laywer Letter Sent, She Hasn't Responded...Now What??



## Meatpuppet (Jan 2, 2012)

Long story short, wife lied compulsively throughout marriage due to severe depression issues/not wanting to let me down/being passive/aggressive. Read my OP if you have the time and inclination  
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/37493-10-month-separation-going-great-then-bam-long-please-read.html

Anyway, after getting the "ILUBINILWU" speech the Wednesday after Christmas, we left off with her promising to write me an email explaining how she feels. Mind you keeping her feelings from me was a major downfall in our marriage, so I took her promise with a grain of salt. 

Needless to say, 10 days after her promise, no email. 

Fastfoward 10 days later, and I finally break down and call her. She agrees to meet me, and I basically say I'm in a good place, working on myself and becoming a better person, but I haven't given up on us and would be open to taking small steps toward R. 

Tearfully, she said she's still pretty much committed to the D option. As for R, she said in a meek voice "I'll have to think about it." I know this is not 180 of me, but I did it all with a straight face and maintained my composure. We ended the convo with me saying that I went to a D lawyer and a letter was in the mail as of that day asking her to call (we're going the mediation route; there are no kids, we lost our house and have barely any assets). 

She said she did the same, and a similar letter should be arriving at my apartment. 

Well, that was Monday. I'm assuming she got my lawyer's letter, but I never got one from hers. As of 5pm today, my lawyer hasn't heard from her. 

It's not so much the separation/impending D that's killing me; we'd been separated for 10 months (she went to her parent's, I moved into a small apt) and things have been going great since. We'd been dating, going to the gym together, she'd stay over my place every weekend. But I can't shake the idea she's either having a PA or EA. 

The Facts: 

1) She hasn't been forthcoming with sex. This has been ongoing since we first got married (I can count on 1/2 a hand the times she initiated) and we only had sex a few dozen times in the 10 month sep. Granted, we only saw each other on weekends, but there'd be times she'd have her period 2x a month - or so she'd say. This is actually a legit problem for her, but it made me suspicious. 

2) Most threads I read about spouses saying "ILUBINILWU" almost always mean they're hot for someone else. 

3) The fact she _still_ hasn't told me how she feels at all suggests to me

a) her actions in the marriage (lying about house going into foreclosure, finishing her masters) coincide with her withholding her feelings. More than once she said that most of our situation is her fault due to her being crippled by depression. 

or b) there's someone else

I know that's not much to go on...forgive me for rambling as I just spent the last 2 hrs pacing and smoking (don't worry, I still go to the gym :smthumbup but the lack of answers is killing me. 

How do I read this? I thought for sure she'd contact my lawyer once she got the letter. Also, she might've been lying about seeing hers, as I never got the one she said _her_ lawyer sent. 

I should note that only a few months ago she wrote me heartfelt cards for my bday/anny saying even though we'd had a rocky road, she was looking foward to life with me. She also was planning on surprising me with a dog for Christmas. Not exactly behavior a wife in love/lust with another M would do...but then again...

I've resolved to call her this weekend because I really need to wrap up some financial matters and she also has the key to our storage unit where 1/2 my life is right now collecting dust. 

BTW, the cell phone acct is under her name and I can't get the bill (I've tried, I need the acct pw). She only has 12 friends on FB. Her email acct had nothing but BS ads. Not proof she's innocent, but it's encouraging I guess. 

Any thoughts?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Meatpuppet - I feel very sympathetic for what you are going through. Look at the facts:

Shes been a compulsive liar for the last 6 years of your marriage. Not little white lies either - the major lies - totally laid waste to your life together.

You get to share 50% of the blame for trusting and NOT verifying. She has some major mental health issues.

No kids? Count yourself lucky and DONT look back. Some people are very sad stories. Your W is one of them. You can't fix her, you can't force her to get fixed. Only she can. 

As much as you have to be suspicious of her motives and someone else in the picture, you have enough to leave. Now its time for you to MAN-UP and move on with your life. Look up Canguy66's thread. He wasn't in a situation as messed up as yours, yet, he was in the same place as you, afraid to move on.

You are doing the right thing. Ask yourself this: Is the sex and time spent with her really worth the wreck to your soul that the marriage is creating? You married a "black hole" of emotion. 

Have you read these books yet? No More Mr Nice Guy?; Co-Dependent No More; and Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave?

You need to concentrate on you now and move forward with your life. You W has given you a wonderful gift. Let her be her own problem now. You've done all you can.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

1. Quit seeing her and giving yourself hope. She is likely seeing someone else and keeping you hanging in case it doesn't work out. (You're the backup.)
2. Tell your lawyer to continue with the divorce.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Okay, Meatpuppet, just went and read your other thread. You ended your post above asking for any thoughts.

I think you love your wife and have gotten comfortable with her, and that you don't want to be alone. 

Staying with her on a day-to-day basis will be easy. Occasionally, you will find that she has lied to you, again, and that her actions have screwed up your life, again. You will get upset, again, have a big argument with her, again, and then "forgive" her, again. You will continue to not-have sex with your wife, and she will continue to not-actually fulfill your emotional needs. Any money you bring to the table to support this vampire you accidentally married will disappear, you will have a terrible credit rating due to foreclosures and evictions, and you will be miserable and unstable, due to being married to a woman who doesn't love you or herself.

But you won't be alone.

Or, you can accept that this person is really bad for you. She lies to you about things great and small. She takes your money and, instead of paying the rent, spends it on other things, and you don't know what they are. It's really nice that you forgive her for screwing you over so quick. Maybe with the next woman, you should make her work for forgiveness a little bit, if she, say, causes you to get foreclosed on.

In response to the title of this thread, I suggest the following.

Call your lawyer up, and tell him to quit screwing around, that you want this divorce fast-tracked so that you can start to have a good life with someone who loves you. Be a pain in his butt until he gets this done for you, then pay him and thank him for his help. 

Once you are divorced, find somebody who loves you. You might also consider some individual counseling to figure out why you would want to be married to a life sucking undead chick, but that's up to you.

I apologize if this sounds harsh, but most of it is your own words being quoted back to you. 

I think you can do better for yourself, and I don't even know you in real life, just from your posting. So go do better!


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## AllyM (Aug 2, 2011)

She is absolutely having a PA and is waiting to see how that pans out before giving you the heave ho. Don't even question it. Don't mean to be harsh but it is better to hear it straight. And since you are already separated and seeing a lawyer just keep moving forward not back.


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