# I need a man's opinion...What is going on?



## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

I have been with my husband for 4 years, we are in our late 30’s, and I have never been so confused in my whole life. I know our relationship isn’t quite right or is it? 

I don’t have the time to get it into long drawn out details, so I’m going to do the best I can to make it short and sweet as possible (however…I am a woman so my idea of details and your idea of details is probably very different if you are male).

What kind of man spends two months of his life with you, doing everything he can to please you, being the perfect husband if there is such a thing, only to walk away from you for about a month and come back again only to repeat the process?

My idea of a perfect husband is a man that goes to work, comes home, helps with the kids and household responsibilities, enjoys spending time with you and the kids on the weekends, enjoys spending one or two weekends a month with just the two of you . A husband that makes you and the kids #1 in his life, and he’s someone you can look up to and respect (moral, responsible, selfless). He’s also a lot of fun, and enjoys being a kid when it’s time to (and yes I love running, playing, video games, football, traveling and goofing off…I’m not a sick in the mud, self righteous, prude..and we do have mountains of fun together) and “ok” to be a kid, but knows when it’s time to put the “adult” face on and take care of responsibilities. I’m not a materialistic wife. I’m pretty simple and down to earth, but not so domesticated that I don’t like to have fun and cut loose.

Just a little background in a nutshell….

I knew I was going to have a hard time writing this, because, well , I’m not the best writer and I’m not sure if I’ll communicate the situation effectively, but I’ll try my best. Feel free to ask questions if anything needs clarification, because I’m sure I won’t cover everything. 

The thing is, is that as time goes on he seems to becomes less and less excited about the family life (or so it seems), and does less and less…becoming more and more irritable…expecting me to carry more and more of the load of household responsibilities (and yes I work too) until he tells me that I’m just not the one and things aren’t working out and he leaves. Truth be known, I do start nagging a bit when he starts slacking because it’s like he becomes one of my children instead of my partner (it’s like he can’t sustain the responsibilities of family life, but he blames this on me). He spends this time away from me running around with his single friends, drinking and partying (in between church and hanging with his mom), only to come back around a few weeks to a month later claiming that God has showed him that what he is doing is wrong and he doesn’t want to lose me. That he is going to do right from now on (he becomes accountable but in a general sense…he’s never specific about his “I’m sorry’s” though), and make me and the kid’s priority number one. I forgive him…I probably couldn’t hold a grudge if my life depended on it.

FYI: I don’t even know his friends that well, they don’t call or come over. The (single) women don’t ever call me to do anything with them either. I have tried to reach out to them and make friends, and they are nice (the few times I’ve been around them), but they never follow up. I’ve tried inviting them to do things but they always can’t for one reason or another…and they never call me….My husband has like 3 groups of friends he hangs with, and I’m only familiar with one group, but I wouldn’t say I know them well. He even talks about people I have never met when telling me what he’s been doing while away.

The situation has happened so many times, that I finally left him. I moved out and got my own place, but he has a melt down and started going to church again 3 times a week instead of once (not that it matters either way…except it keeps you focused on what’s “right” in life. I don’t want you guys to think that this is my requirement or something. He does this on his own). He started being “super” man again. The thing is that when we are together he won’t tell me “no” about anything! It’s really strange, if I am like, “honey can you go to the store, cook dinner tonight, sweep the floor, help me with this, etc…He will do it (I know the woman reading this are like…Girl he’s the bomb! I only wish my man would do just “one” of these things..if only it were that simple ladies). Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s weird that he doesn’t seem to want to say,” No” about anything….I tell him, “please tell me if you don’t want to do this or that” but he says, “no I want to…I love you”…He won’t even let me fix my own drink, and such….I know it’s odd that he doesn’t seem to say things like, “honey I’m tired would you please do it or whatever”. He makes me feel like I offend him if I don’t let him. Don’t get me wrong, It’s not like I sit on my backside and do nothing either. I still carry more than he does, but he is doing a lot to help too. When he is like this, it makes me feel very special…but don’t get me wrong…I don’t think it’s necessary for him to go above and beyond like this for me to feel special. I respect the fact that he is a human too and has needs and weaknesses like all of us (that is if he “IS” human). He really doesn’t communicate them to me though.

Then, it becomes less and less and in a very short period of time. I mean I can deal with the “not waiting on me and foot” but he literally becomes like a teenager leaving trash, clothes, forgetting bills, etc…not even knowing when the kids have a special program and other strange things. I think the longest he kept it up was for 3 months (and let me say too, that, this is NOT typical man “being a man” behavior. I’m not going to get into the details..so you can either trust me or not.) I’m a fun woman, not a stickler for a perfect house or life. Matter-of-fact we have very little money, so things are very tight. I consider myself a Christian, and believe that everything in life is blessing. I tend to focus on the positive in life, while my husband seems to focus on the negative (or does he?)…sometimes I feel he’s manipulating me to have the best of both worlds.

The situation has escalated to the point that I wonder if there is another woman? There is a pattern to these times when he disappears and says he wants a divorce. Every fight we have just about, he packs up some things and says he wants a divorce. We can’t argue about anything without this happening. Well, I take that back he will tolerate it at times (during the few weeks to a few months he’s seems to be determined to make it work), and ends up making promises he doesn’t keep (just like staying with me and leaving). I’ve said to him numerous times, “Honey just be honest with me. I believe that married couples should share everything. We all have our strengths and weaknesses nobody is perfect. Just be real with me so I can respect our differences and be understanding”. To this day, I’m not sure this has ever happened. (Also, I’m telling you, none of “our” friends, or acquaintances, would ever believe he is like this. On the outside he seems so together and mature). I’ve noised around his internet, cell phone records, and email and haven’t found anything that proves he is cheating. He does look at porn though. (I do want to add that I consider myself a very beautiful woman, I have a great body, 110 pounds, long brown hair and pretty blue eyes. I have always turned the heads in the room. I also try to be pretty on the inside, but I have never felt so ugly though or worthless in my life). He denies that he would ever cheat on me, and tells me that I’m only woman he wants. I wasn’t born yesterday nor am I naïve. I have had my share of hardships and so forth….I have the passwords to everything, and he knows this… He was kind enough to give them to me because I have become so insecure, but I know there are ways around things like this if you really don’t want to get caught. I’m not the stalker type, and he knows this too. Like, I wouldn’t follow him or show up at a friend’s home unannounced. I would never call a number on his phone either unless I felt that “for sure” there was something to that phone number. I just feel that if it comes to that point (where I want to stalk him), then it is “for real” time to move on. 

And yes…I’m at that point….

So what is going on? I do have to say he has a mother (yes he is a momma’s boy) that enables him to do whatever he wants. She doesn’t encourage him to take responsibility for his family, matter-of-fact, I think she looks forwards to the times we fight (if you want to call it that, because he leaves me) because she gets to spend more time with him (she will take him out to eat two or three times per week) She is a very lonely woman and wants her kids around as much as possible. She doesn’t seem to care if we make it or not.

Is it just immaturity and he is looking for a woman to basically take care of him? If this were true though, why does he do so much for us when we are on that “up” cycle of the relationship? Do you think there is another woman? I will say, to me, it’s like he wants to live his life like when he was single, but have the benefits of marriage. Oh, and yes I let him do things with his friends (like church, lunch, and golf). It’s not like I expect him to be stuck up underneath me 24-7, but the strange thing is he usually just wants to be with me during this time. The promises he makes, the goals he sets, never become reality. When he proposed to me, he took it back 4 times before he finally married me. We didn’t get to go on our honeymoon that was going to be paid for by my mom and his dad, because he “didn’t want to waste his dad’s money if we weren’t going to make it”. Isn’t that ridiculous? Like no one goes into a marriage making decisions based on things that haven’t even come true yet. It’s as if he believes he knows the future and if he doesn’t know for sure then he will literally make major decisions on an assumption of what “might” happen.

Then recently after I moved out, he said he was going to make that honeymoon to Jamaica come true for me, and made the deposit on our trip of 300 dollars. He convinced me that he was going to do this for me for our anniversary in November. He also agreed to counseling (but we only went twice) only to take his things (the few things he had at my new home, because he had been staying here) and leave about 2-weeks later. He lost the 300 dollar deposit by doing this, and it’s like it doesn’t matter(he’s done many things like this over the last 4 years). This same man is very critical of lights being left on, and will drive 20 miles to save 3 cents a gallon on gas…yet…he will lose money out of pure carelessness (like not keeping up with his bank account).

On my end of things, I will admit that I’m can be high strung, a perfectionist, and have a high level of morals and ideals about what I feel is right and wrong. I’m very opinionated and can be easily frustrated when things aren’t running smoothly (but I’m not deluded in the sense that I know things are going to happen that I don’t like and I must deal with them). The thing is he never complains about this except when I start on him about any issues I have with him. I’m a very loyal person though (obviously), and believe that God doesn’t put two people together for no reason. My husband goes to church regularly and claims he feels the same way I do about God, but if this were true how could he keep leaving us? How can he keep breaking his promises to us? Why is it that when the “going gets tough, he gets going”? He claims he knows that married life is difficult, and full of ups and downs. He says he knows he shouldn’t leave us and that we should stick together through thick and thin…yet…he still does.

Could there be another woman that he needs to make time for? Is he just very immature and taking advantage of me? Why does he one minute act like he cares about us and what’s going on, but turns around and literally pulls the plug on us over and over again?

I try to ask him, but he gets frustrated…he doesn’t want to talk about things to do with us or solve the problems…well he does at times (or he is good at faking it, sometimes …), and when we compromise or solve the problems (which is rare)…he always….and I MEAN ALWAYS…goes back on his word or his deal. I’m not using the word “always” loosely either…I think the only major promise he ever kept was marrying me.

I’m at the point that I know I must “draw the line” or this cycle will continue. We never get anywhere…we never move forward in life….we are always in the same place….I must leave him for good, but I’m still left very confused and wondering how a man can be one way then turn like this? I mean this man will listen to me ramble on “in the way woman do” for hours listening intently to me talk about anything and everything ‘except him of course or us’ (I mean how many really “GOOD” men do that for their wives?). How can he keep doing this to us? It’s not drugs, at least I don’t think, he is very antidrug and I believe I would know because of my own experiences with loved ones and drugs. Why does he even come back if freedom is so important to him or is it not the freedom? I thought I had men all figure out until I met him…and before you ask…our sex life is very active and fulfilling…but maybe he is bored. I’ve asked him this numerous times, but he always says he “never gets bored with me”….We’ve always had GREAT communication when it comes to sex (he pleases me and I please him) Please help…I’m so confused. I just want closure, and I know I’m not going to get it from him. I just want to understand…

This is the weirdest relationship I have ever had, and I know of no one in anything even similar….Can someone please tell me what is going on in his head or at least try? (I just realized how sad it is when you have to ask total strangers what is going on in your husband’s head, but when I ask him he will say things that don’t make sense. For example, He will say things that are very hurtful like, “well the truth is that if I was in a different place financially I wouldn’t be with you”, but in the same breath…When I say, “Well then that isn’t love baby and you need to be with someone who will make you happy“(in the sweetest most understanding voice I can muster up…like a friend would…because I see us as friends first and I “AM” his friend first and foremost)…he’ll then say in the same breath, “no, I do love you more than anything in this world” or the following week say, “I didn’t really mean that”. There are many more examples, but suffice it to say I never truly feel like I get any answers. Being with him has been like a brain warp….What is wrong with him? Anyone? I really need the facts….I don’t believe I’m ignorant (but I AM somewhat vulnerable because I have no family of my own besides him and the kids. This does make it easier to tolerate. It’s like I know it’s dysfunctional as all-get-out…but his sweetness sucks me in like no tomorrow..sorry for the slang….but I just want to semi understand so I can move on. I know that 
love is blind and I know that I’m blind.) This is so foreign to me….and I’ve never felt so lost in my life….. 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this….


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

I just wanted to say...that I see a lot of people have read my posts, but no one has been able to respond. I don't know if it's because no one knows what to say or if it just sounds so ridiculous what can you say? I want everyone to know that I have read many message boards, and this board is full of some amazing, intelligent, mature and "real" people both men and woman. I am truly amazed at the people on this board and their level of advice and insight (some of you should start charging! lol!)I don't usually post in forums (the last time I did I think I was getting ideas about places to eat at Walt Disney World), but I've been needing to reach out and talk to people about what is going on in my life, and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I hope that some of you will be so kind as to lend me your opinions on the matter. I have no issues with criticism either and am a straight shooter...so please...whatever you have to say or can say, will you please say it? I really need this feedback....thank you so much


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Hi Brioli,

Even though I'm male I find your husband's behavior very confusing, I will add that the length of your post really makes it hard to understand and suggest you boil it down to essentials and start a new thread.

Your H is very conflicted is all I'll say about him, adding you are a tough, smart woman. Moving out a very wise move.

I think you should find a local professional counsellor and ask her, he too should be talking. I strongly believe you should start divorce proceedings, your marriage can't go forward until he understands what he is doing.

Good luck,

Mark


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I read your post - and yes it is tough to follow at times. But ... seems to boil down to a simple truth.

Neither of you are happy with the marriage as it stands.

You can either just acknowledge that, or challenge it. 

Challenging it doesn't really get you much.

Unless and until, the two of you can communicate what each of you needs from the marriage - just as you have done here, nothing is going to change.

He does stuff that p!sses you off. You are pretty candid that you do stuff that p!sses him off.

If you both keep building walls instead of bridges the marriage won't make it.

Don't try to frame it in a context of what he is doing wrong, or what he doesn't do. Nice place for the both of you to start would be to focus on what you are both doing right. Try building each other up for a change and work from there.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

II'm sorry my post is hard to follow...I know that it is long and probably not written appropriately. My situation seems such an unusual situation I felt the need to lend some examples or elaborate more. I wrote it while very emotional, so I guess I was jumping all over the map.

I really appreciate both of you guys input...and yes Deejo...there are some problems with the "tearing down". I have made it a point in the last year or so, to acknowledge all of my husband’s strengths. I want him to feel good about himself...I do. I honestly have always done this, as far as I know, but have tried to go above and beyond this past year and a half to build him up in ways that are uncomfortable for me (because I don't feel like he earned them). I've been told that it is very important to men for a wife to make them feel like they are the best thing that ever happened to them and that they are perfect in every way (even when they are not), so I have tried to do this, but it hasn't changed things.

As for building walls, I have never been a wall person. Admittingly, it has been difficult not to put the walls up because of things that have happened to me but I’m not a wall person. I learned a long time ago that putting up walls will get you nowhere fast, and that you are shooting yourself in the foot by doing that (or selling yourself short because no one can get to know you). I have always been honest and verbal with my feelings (never the type of woman to expect my husband to know what I'm thinking either), wants, and needs. I've actually been accused on numerous occasions of having a "man" mentality in that I feel a lot like men do about many things.

@thinktomuch-I know it's all confusing, and I only hope that maybe someone here can shed some light... In a nutshell, I have a man that showers me and adores me with love and affection, and within weeks to a month or so, gradually stops to the point of leaving me. He will tell me he doesn't love me or not "in love with me" only to return a few weeks later begging for forgiveness and acknowledging that he really "does love" me. He will state that he just didn't know if this is the right thing for us (to be together), but now "he does know” because God has been speaking to him about us (there is always a variation , or something new, each time he comes back to me regarding the reason why he left and why he is back). This man is not verbally or emotionally abusing me intentionally I don’t think (at least not in the clinical/classical sense), but I'm not a doctor so I truly don’t know. He is certainly not physically abusive. Yet, he ‘is’ emotionally abusing me with dishonestly (whether intentional or not) and lack of true commitment on anything we commit to. From my perspective it seems like he does it for a chance to hang out with single friends and not take care of responsibilities? He's willing to risk everything we have to do this...why? It doesn’t make sense to me, and I am so heartbroken. Why would you give up what we have going for this when it’s not even necessary? That is why I feel it’s either another woman or drugs, and I have a very hard time believing it’s the latter. Does that make sense? I know I don’t write too clearly. Thanks you two again for responding…


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Please keep in mind that anything that anyone throws up here, is opinion, conjecture and pure speculation. We can't 'see' what your relationship dynamic truly is.

But the picture you paint, is pretty bizarre in terms of appearing to be completely in love - to walking out the door. Sounds more than a bit bipolar.

What is the core issue that you have with him seeing his friends? Is it that you perceive they are more important than you, so you feel hurt? 

Do you ever encourage him to 'go have a good time!'?

What is your plan if in fact there is another woman?


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Hi Brioli,

You clarified your husband's behavior nicely.

My ex-BIL was manic/depressive, G-d talked to him regularly, and Satan showed up when he was showering. Turns out he was bi-polar, only lithium helped and for some years he avoided taking it when his bi-polar disease diminished, then his behavior deteriorated and he went back to a psych ward.

Matthew's behavior was at its worse when he was in his early 20s. If your avatar is an accurate picture, your H isn't much older than M when he was at his worse. 

I don't know what label should be applied to your H, I know people of faith, I know people who have been consumed by addiction to drugs and alcohol, people with BPD, ADHD, OCD, an alphabet of acronyms and pain - and I read way too much.

Your h doesn't seem to neatly fit into any of these categories, have you wondered if he might be mildly schizophrenic? If he hears G-d's voice as opposed to his interpretation of the Bible it might be a useful label, but it is only a potential label. I am not a medical professional so please do your own research and talk to a professional or call 211 where you can speak for no cost to volunteers who might help. (I know 211 and 311 are available in some states, if they don't work google mental health help and your city & state.)


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Right...thank you Deejo...I do understand that it’s purely speculation on you guys part...that is ok...any insight may help me put some things into perspective. 

As for the core issue with friends, the truth is that I don't truly have issues with him having time for his friends. I want him to enjoy himself and do things with them...however...I do have issues with some of them. I don't know any of them very well, because I only know what he has told me about them and have met them a few times briefly ( at a couple of parties and such). These few guys are all single (been married, divorced, married again, etc), they are always hanging out with single ladies (that I don't know, and the few I have met I don't know very well), they smoke pot, which I most certainly do not like, because it’s illegal (I don’t believe my husband is smoking it because I’ve asked him to take over-the-counter tests a couple of times and he has willingly taken them and passed…but I still don’t like this. It’s because it’s just not very smart and responsible (not that I think he shouldn’t stay friends with old high school friends, but the more you expose yourself to an environment like that, the more likely trouble is to come your way…you know what I mean?). I mean, I have friends that do certain things, but I don’t make it a habit of hanging out with them regularly…I always keep in touch though, and care how they are doing. 

Then there are friends that I have never met that he has. He doesn’t seem interested in us doing things with them, but talks about them when he comes back around. Then there are a few old buddies that are heavily involved in our church (when we met…we found out we were members of the same church…but didn’t meet at church), and when he and I are doing well he will go and play golf with them or go out to lunch. I know them better than the others (but still not well), and wished he would spend more time with them (they are old friends from high school just like the others, but it’s like some of his friends went one direction while the others went another direction…at least that is what it seems like from my perspective). 

All of this is “WHY” I don’t understand what is going on with him? Why he always leaves us and leaves me feeling like if only I did something different. At this point I feel like I’ve tried everything, and no matter how I approach it the same thing always happens. He leaves….

Thank you again for responding...I really does help to be able to talk about it.


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## taylor78 (Sep 4, 2010)

Brioli,

It is quite confusing what your husband is doing but I think he's trying to play the push and pull game with you.

He pulls you by doing all the sweet things, being the perfect husband, etc. Later on he pushes you away acting completely different. 

I'm not sure where I read this but I remember they called it the push and pull game for men. So the game goes like this..
They maintain a certain distance with their wife. They do all the sweetest things that they can do and when the distance becomes close enough, they start to push back.

It's a psychological method to drive women crazy, making them leaning towards their husband. They'll do it because they want to have control over their marriage. 

Don't worry and be happy. I'm sure he still loves you very very much.

Cheers


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

ThinktoMuch-I have definitely considered some of what you have said here. I have never considered Bi-Polar however but it's a possibility...I need to check more into that.

I have, however, considered NPD...that seems to be the one out of all the others I have researched (and I haven't researched them all) that most closely resembles him. Then I think does that make me co-dependent? More often than not these two types end up together. It's like there is a total lack of empathy in actions, but plenty of empathy in wording...Does that make sense? I know there is something going on, but I'm just not sure what. I don't think I have the ability to handle any of it correctly either, because I feel overwhelmed myself and am probably clinically depressed as well. I know us spending some time apart is good, but it's difficult to say no when he comes back around sad and needing me. I love him, and want to be there for him..yet...all I end up doing is hurting myself and the cycle continues....thank you for responding….it really means a lot… I just hope I'm making the right decision by cutting him off....at least for now... It's really hard


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Taylor78-You know what you have said is one of the first things I considered! Not so much specifically what you said, but just a "game" type thing with him...but....not saying it's not some sort of game (possibly unintentionally) but I just don't believe he is capable of planning something like that out. What you mentioned takes a lot of planning and perception/intuitiveness about others...you follow me? I don't think he gives enough people...enough thought… to pull something like that off or even begin to plan it. I believe that everything he does is completely on emotion...right down to the decisions he makes no matter how drastic…thank you for your imput though 

@thinkstomuch-just wanted to clarify that he doesn’t audibly here God’s voice ….so I don’t believe it’s schizophrenia…well…he did claim that one time he heard God speak to him (oops! Lol!) about his ex. He said that God spoke to him and told him he was to marry her, she was the one. Yet, the things he has told me about this woman are far from what he has created in his mind about her. She did drugs, slept around on him (he knew it too and was ok with it), and partied a lot. He used to talk about her like she was the smartest, most respectable woman he has ever known. What I went through with that when I met him is a whole different story, but suffice it to say that she hurt him and I always thought his weariness around me was out of fear of being hurt again. We were friends first, and it didn’t really get serious until about 6 months into it. I basically really put myself out there to help him feel at ease and secure with me. I wanted him to know that I would never do that to him. I wonder what that means?

You guys have been so great! I can't tell you how much I need this! Thank you!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

He sounds borderline to me...I love you, I hate you, please don't leave me. I couldn't live like that, maintain my job and raise a family. It's not fair to you and you definitely have the right to expect him to stay at the family home and participate and sacrifice as well as you have sacrificed. I think the situation comes across as odd and hard to understand because I'm getting that your husband is odd and hard to understand.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

@Trenton...I have researched the BPD, but no....his emotions are too much in check....You don't see them on the outside...there is no rage...and he doesn't say the things you quoted above (that is typically BDP). It's mostly just him having a new thought or a new spin on us and discussing what we can do differently. If anyone is Border BPD it's me...lol! Which would make sense if he is NPD. He basically behaves too rationally "externally" to be a B. It's just so odd...all of it....I think I just have to let him go. It's so hard and I am in soo much pain, but hopefully I will get through it. You all have been a great help. Thank you


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

Bi-polar crossed my mind and BPD isn't totally out of the question.
He seems to percieve his role in black and white perspectives and cannot accept the reality that there are gray areas in all relationships.

Most specifically it he definitely has some issues with the definition of what a man/husband is supposed to be. He commits to it, tries as hard as he can to be the ideal man until the pressure is too much, then cracks and runs back to Mom who does nothing but encourage the behavior by pampering him as a child. After the stress of it all is relieved he comes back and worms his way back in by becoming the ideal man and husband again.

He has no ability to balance the responsibility and find a middle ground. The best thing you can do is set boundaries and stick to them, and the first would be that he seeks some professional counselling with a therapist.

God Bless!


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Frost-very well put! What you have stated here is what my gut tells me I must do! If I am going to ever see any results or have hope....regardless of what his issue is...and your right about the Bi-polar and BPD...there can be variations of the typical behaviors even though much of the criteria is the same. Only a doctor can say for sure...It's setting the boundaries that is so hard...and I have already failed at trying to do this...again... It's so much like games, and I am too old for that nonsense ( I mean saying "I'm too old" is not a conscious choice...I really mean that I'm physically/mentally incapable of this at this point in my life)...yet I know it would be beneficial in this situation. The thing is, if I ever succeed in setting boundaries, it will be because I am at the end of my rope. I just don't have the energy or patience anymore to play that game..or any games for that matter. Yes...I have let him back in folks...and when I get some time I will be posting a new thread...You guys have been fantastic...truly...thank you


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

OH and Frost? He definitely see his world in Black and White....and no matter how hard I try to show him the middle ground...he doesn't get it....that narrows things down a bit I believe. What do you guys think?


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## PSHI (Sep 25, 2010)

Hello Brioli, I have read some of your posts, but they are a bit lengthy for me right now....I will say, your pic looks great!!! and I wish my wife would post or even act concerned about our issues...anyway, Ive been through almost 10 y of my relationship so I have some experience...let me start by saying....your and your h communication is remarkably poor. unfortunately, you will NOT solve this by 'talking'....I have found that my wife communicates by not communicating....go figure....yes, its a reall pisser to me. you have to figure out his language first....then, make him feel comfortable to tell youanything no matter how ridiculous or crazy, or even hurtful it may be....I am guessing from your pic that he is attracted to you, and 'wears you like a hat'....but that's it. your good company at times, and maybe good sex etc....my advice to you is to start learning more about him by really observing what makes him comfortable....then, slyly or casually, ask him a simple question about something related...and leave it there for that day....hope this helps.


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## Caregiver/controller? (Sep 28, 2010)

I just think he needs you and wants you but gets lazy.... 

QUOTE:sometimes I feel he’s manipulating me to have the best of both worlds.

I'm going through a similar situation so I'd take my opinion with a grain if salt. I read your post in the hope that some man would come in and answer your question with either 
"He's immature, put up or shut up" or 
"You need to praise him more for his good initial behavior so he doesnt slip back, Men do not see or do household chores because they have to be done but for praise and ego building"


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

My wife displays true borderline traits, although her therapists have felt that the label would be too destructive in her case. Point is, from your description, it doesn't sound like he goes through the emotionally abusive stages or rants.

Obviously, its only my opinion, but it seems like he knows intellectually that he has a good thing in the relationship, but he's very immature still. On a positive note, you are handling this in a way that is demonstrating forgiveness (although I'm sure its hard), which is humbling to him, and likely has a lot to do with him becoming more involved with the church.

Frankly, as a former supervisor whose employees often saw him as a free listening post, I've seen this so many times in guys. Sometimes, I wish I could just shake them. At some point, perhaps you will have to tell him just how much this hurts you in a way that helps him really understand that there are limits to your endurance.


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