# My wife is unhappy and so am I...



## Sundance (Aug 11, 2013)

Hey Everyone,

I am in need of some perspective from others that are not as biased as my only source of counsel at this time, my family. I apologize for the long post, but I have no one to turn to that is unbiased.

It came to my attention that my wife of 2 years (7 that we have been together) is unhappy. When I try to discuss it, it becomes me doing all the talking and her just saying “I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know why I am unhappy”.

I am the same as I have always been, but her job has really taken a big toll on her emotionally and physically. She is a special education/resources room school teacher dealing with children that have attitude and learning disabilities.

I found out that she was unhappy and taking anti-depressants when I confronted a co-worker of mine who became a close friend of hers in a 2 month time period. I confronted him because after he came to our new home for a house warming party, they began playing “Words with Friends” and text constantly. I found that she was talking to him more than me. She opened up about being unhappy and taking anti-depressants to him and not me. I guess now that I am putting this down, I am seeing things more clearly. She says she did that because she has always been that way. She doesn’t want to hurt me or have me worry about her, so she talks to other people. This isn’t right in my mind. Only since that time has she really changed. She is gone late for work, I am left to manage the house, do everything, she shows no support, no emotional affection, a serious lack of sex, and is generally distant. She now has a lock on her phone and spends all her free time on it. This co-worker finally admitted to me that she was depressed and un-happy. It totally broke my heart and shattered me finding this out form another guy. Some single dude, that I work with no less, who I felt stepped into my role as the man she should be seeking comfort and solace in.

When I confronted them, he swore there was nothing, as did she and she flipped out that I was making her feel trapped. She has no close friends or guy friends and I was taking her one good friend away by being this way. 

I don’t ask a lot of her. Some attention wouldn’t be bad, a little more sex, the occasional “I love you” without having to be prompted for it.

We hit the fork in the road where I laid it all out to her. I am unhappy and in mental distress from this, and I just can’t live like her “roommate” anymore. She doesn’t want me cooking for her, we pass like 2 ships in the night, and I am constantly being let down by her when she says she will do something or come with me to an event, then comes with a reason to not.

A while back we had it out. She said she wants a 2 week period to decompress form school. She threatened to move out, she keeps saying she doesn’t know what she wants and doesn’t know why she is un happy. Is it me? Am I asking too much of her? I literally do EVERYTHING in my power to make her happy. I cook, I clean, I help her parents when they need a hand. I am getting nothing. 

I told her I would give her 2 weeks, then we need to go to counseling or at least talk about it to figure it out. I am tired of being the only one wanting to talk it out. She wasn’t up for counseling before. She is the type that wants to just sever it, get out, and start over elsewhere. She runs from her problems or buries them.

So...

Her couple weeks of down time from talking about this was up. We sat down to hash it out and I told her we have 2 choices. We work on this, and I would do anything to work toward repairing us, or we go our separate ways. After a bit of arguing, at which time she said "Who are you going to blame this time", in reference to me approaching my co-worker she had been confiding in. 

After some discussion, she said we shouldn't make a decision just to make a decision right there. That she wanted to work on it. She did say that she was not into counseling (as I knew she would), but eventually (after much more discussion, me doing most of the talking again) she said she would do it "for me". Now I see that "for me" meant for me and myself only. She is a closed book. Basically to get me off her back.

Ok, so now it is the next week after the second weekend in a row she went to a swim meet for these kids she is watching over and playing mother for since their mother is in rehab for alcohol. Bare in mind one is a student of hers, the other is his sister. This is what has happened with them so far: 
-She took them to the beach, dinner, and ice cream because the father was at work and mom was passed out.
-The little girl was dropped off at our house so my wife could do her hair for a recital
-My wife goes to the little girl's recital 2nd showing the next day
-My wife goes to the two kids' swim meet 2 weekends in a row (went to dinner with the kids and father after one meet)!!!

2 weeks ago was my high school reunion. I was staying with family (went to school 80 miles from where we live now). She decided to drive up the day of and arrived at the reunion by 7:30pm so she didn't have to spend much time with me or, as I see it, my family. About 1 1/2 hours into the reunion, she leaves, citing that she had to pick the dog up at her parents (long way to drive just for that). I knew she was going to because early before we met up I asked if she was staying the night at my parents with me. She said no because she promised the little girl that they would make cupcakes for her birthday the next day. WTF is all I can say. What is she doing with these kids?

So she leaves and there isn't much talk, phone or text until I get back a few days later. Since I have been back home, we have been avoiding each other. It is uncomfortable and terribly annoying. I have reached my max. She doesn't reach out at all to me and I not to her in turn. If she wants to do that, so can I.

Which brings me to more interesting things.....

At the urging of certain people, I took a look at the recent cell phone bill for June and the up-to-date usage for July because that is what set this all off, her crazy texting as mentioned earlier in this discussion....

June was 31 pages long. that was her text messaging history only!! She actually hit just shy of 3000 text messages for June (under by literally 4)

So far July 8th up to today is more than 50 pages, FRONT AND BACK!!! And 90%-95% are to one phone number. I did a little detective work, because I was pushed to my max, otherwise I would never go on the hunt like this, and found out it is the phone number of the father of these two kids. And a heart breaking thing is that those nights she was downstairs sleeping on the couch and such where spent texting back and forth with this guy. The end times of the texting for a huge chunk of nights was 12am, 1am, 2am, 3am, there was even some around 4:30am!!!!!! COME ON! It is all day from times like 7 and 8am, to as late as 4:30 AM the next freaking day! My mind was blown...

This guy is the father of these two kids, one of which is a student of my wife. Why did she give out her personal cell phone number? Why is he texting her all day, every day, all night long, on weekends? This goes way beyond a concerned parent for their kid and the issue of his own wife needing help. I thought parents would CALL, not text a teacher, and during business hours. This goes way beyond professional boundaries.

Oh, forgot to mention she went to an "Acting Camp" musical that the kids where in 2 days ago with two of her co-workers.

Folks, my mind is blown, my heart is broken.... I have been dealing with this pain for a week now since I discovered all this.

We talked the other night. this is harder and more painful than I could have imagined, even though I spent so much time pumping myself up and getting ready. I look back at the phone bills, I think of all the disappointment I've encountered, the anger, the suspicion, and I am trying to hold on to that. I also look back and see the past 7 1/2 years we have been together, all the places, ventures, little things, and I can't help but want to take back that discussion last night. Hold onto her. Try anything, absolutely anything to make it work. It tore my guts out to see her cry, to hear her say she just wants me to be happy, and that all her work and side stuff won't make her happy, as if to say only I could.

I know I am going to go back and forth on this for a very long time. I couldn't help but feel like a jerk, even though I feel deeply that I tried hard to make it all work and I didn't (at least that I can see) push us to this the way she did (just the Mr. Nice guy/human in me coming out). I didn't neglect her, or stop her from anything she wanted to do, or bail on her for important events, or have long and drawn out conversations with other men, some of which pertained to our marriage, and some in very secretive fashion.

I found it kind of odd after the discussion that she told me she was going camping tomorrow with her friend until Sunday. She had promised her they would since they have not gotten together during their summer teaching break and she missed her birthday. Really no mention of how little of her summer that WE have spent together. In a way I thought that she would have wanted to perhaps spend some time with me in a last ditch effort to salvage our marriage. But she felt it important to her friend....and once again, "we"/"I" are an after thought. Maybe it is just "processing" time she needs. But if she had initiated it, I would have called things off to spend the weekend with her, in discussion, if only to work out the details. Then again, I am the one always trying to repair things....so maybe I wouldn't have. We discussed when to tell our families and she feels we can take time and sit on it until after the camping trip. A few more days to process. She is always looking to draw things out it seems.

Am I right to proceed with the divorce? I mean, she doesn't want counseling like I have offered 3 times, she isn't fighting me on it and telling me we can pull through this, and she isn't offering any ways to help repair us. She is in agreement, of course without give a hard yes or no that I am really wanting to hear. She just keeps saying "I don't know why we are unhappy". I am beyond my limit. I have tried and worked hard. I literally can't do any more and can't be taken advantage of emotionally any longer...

Any advice or opinions is greatly appreciated.

-Sundance


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would follow through with the divorce.

I mean why do you continue to share your wife with another man?

See your wife is having an affair and she is what we call the affair fog.

I bet if her boyfriend would dump his wife your wife would have a very clear decision in wanting a divorce, but instead she is on the fence cuz her man is not willing to make that kind of commitment to your wife.


Your wifes #1 priority is her lover and there is a good chance that she isn't even with her friend camping she is spending the weekend with her lover.

Sorry your here and welcome to the club that no one wants to join.

I also think if you have her served with divorce papers it just might pull her out of this fantasy she is in with this married man.

Hell having her served just might save your marriage.

You have yet to show your old lady any consequences for her betrayal or showed her the new reality of what is to come when you stop sharing your wife.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry to hear your story Sundance, and just like THEGUY said, this is not a club that you want membership.

First thing is first, put it in your head that it is not your fault. It takes two to tango in a marriage but only one to go out and destroy it. Your wife had a choice. Rather than sitting you down and discussing her issues, she chose instead to go behind your back and cheat on you.

Honestly, there is not much you can do in your situation except MAN UP. You are a doormat now. She knows you are imploding, so see if you can just smile and pretend like nothing else is going on. Keep this cover up but behind her back get a good lawyer and stick her with a divorce.

Nothing you tell her at this time will ever change her mind. Sticking her with walking papers is your best option, and even if you do, there is no assurance that you will get her back. 

Remember, you cannot ever force someone to love you. She doesn't want you, then so be it. But have some dignity and do not let your wife do as she pleases because in the end, she chose to blow up your marriage. Take charge.


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

I'm not sure I can offer much advice, but I can offer support. I am going through something very similar and it is consuming me. I don't even feel like myself anymore. But I can 100% relate to the checking of the phone bills. I understand why it isn't so easy just to go through with a divorce. She is your wife and you love her. I feel like I am in exactly the same situation except that it is my husband who is distant. If I had advice, I would be following it. I'm very sorry for what your going through and it does seem like she is a very lucky woman and just going through something. Counseling does help but if she isn't willing to go, then there isn't much you can do. So sorry.  Keep your head up.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Counseling will never work if there is a third person in the picture.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If you want a divorce you are in the right section. If you want to get to the bottom of things, move this thread to the coping with infidelity section. Glad you made over here. I believe I saw your post on the MH website.


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## Sundance (Aug 11, 2013)

Everyone,

Thank you for the support in this situation. I did discuss this in the MH forum and the support there was also amazing.

You all are right: It takes 2 to tango. 

I am beyond the "getting to the bottom of things" point. She is into this situation, whatever it amounts to, with the other guy, and I am to the point of just trying to take care of myself. I would have done anything, would have tried anything. But I am the only one working on it.

She returned yesterday from her camping trip with a friend (I did see pics of it on her friends FB page). She was ok, but very reserved. She unpacked and then just watched TV and napped in the master room the rest of the day. She made a little lite conversation, but not much. I think her not talking about this or any big revelations she may have had while away, her way of dealing with me and the situation (by sleeping, which happens a lot), is pretty much the answer I was looking for (even if I was hoping just a little that she would come home and want to work through this). If I want this to continue, I would have to do all the work, and pretty sure she doesn't want to, but doesn't have the capability to make the hard decisions and have the hard talks. 

Today I am meeting with a lawyer to look over all the forms and paperwork. I know she is expecting me to let it go by the wayside, but I am getting this ball rolling. It can't be idle threats the rest of my life. You are right, Alpha, time to take charge.

I'm very sorry to hear you are in the same boat, Corgigirl. This situation sucks and I hope we can both find the advice and support we need here. I know I am.

I have been on the fence about the divorce, basically waiting to see what move she would make. I now see that her move is to not move at all. It's been a total rollercoaster. One day is emotionally hard and a real valley, the next day I feel pretty good. The day after the discussion I wanted to hold her tight and work through it. Now I see that I loved how we used to be a long while ago. I don't miss her per-say because we have been so distant for so long now. I think the emotional stirring comes from the home we have together. What we worked for. But, as a friend explained to me this weekend: Yes it is your home right now. It was a goal and life achievement of yours. But there will be other goals, other homes, other man-caves and kitchens, and places to make your achievement.". He said he doesn't have all the in-depth details, but strongly feels I am making the right decision. I can't ask for more than that when family and friends think I have done all I can and now have only one option left to save myself. It's time to stop second guessing it all and get it done.

Thank you, everyone, for your insight and support. You have no idea how greatly it is appreciated.


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