# Married for kid(s)?



## onesatellite (Aug 24, 2021)

Span of 5 years:

Mid-thirties boy and girl date
Get married < 1 year
Son arrives prior to first anniversary
Prior to his 1st birthday, couple purchases very demanding business, using entirety of savings whilst borrowing large sum of money
Roughly 2 years in, realization occurs business situation is unsustainable
Couple closes business (a.k.a. stops paying bills)
Girl purchases house, against boy's agreement.
Family moves into new home, effectively in denial of business situ.
Girl "needs" vacation from stress, goes away with son for 1 month. Boy stays in order to gain employment.
Boy files for bankruptcy, in effort to absorb impact of business failure.
Bank sues girl. Mostly covered by assets.
PRESENT DAY: Girl and boy avoid each other in their own respective manners. Kid caught in middle of "happy" home.

The marriage is slowly becoming one that is, calling it as it is, for the kid. I believe its just asking for affair(s) to take place. And perhaps worse, reinforcing co-dependent tendencies. Of the wife I had before, I lost after my son was born. That is a terrible feeling, with the saving grace that we really didn't have that much history.

I recall hearing, pre-marriage, platitudes about how important communication is in a relationship. Now, looking at my own marriage, I actually LOL, partly from a place of humility and partly sombre hysteria. Communication is NOT our strong suit.



(For sake of argument, assuming that the relationship dynamic will not improve)
Is for the kids possible?
Does it cause more harm than good?
As a man, can anyone share insight?
As a woman, can anyone share insight?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Marriage for the sake of kids is a big disservice to the kids as they grow up.

Why? Because kids are naturally very attuned to the going on of parents because cognitively they know that they depend on them. Therefore, in a marriage where there's not love, no warm emotions, and/or disrespect. They grow up associated to an environment that's detrimental to their behavior, psyche, social interactions. They think that what they are observing is the norm. Them when they are grown and on their own relationships they repeat what they learned from you.

Better two happy homes than a miserable one.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I have no personal insight since I've been happily married over 30 years and we raised our kids and they are now basically out of the house. I can say from indirect experience of friends and family. If the couple are unhappy, don't get along and fight, but are sticking with it due to the kids, I often see the kids acting out a lot more than those from happy households and formally divorced households. 

Just because you a couple has divorced doesn't mean the environment for the kids is worse than a dysfunctional unhappy married couple.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@onesatellite,
You are the "boy" here, correct?
Nothing changes without action. If you want better communication, communicate.

I'm not in the majority, but I think it is often better for the kids to remain married, as long as the couple is civil to each other. However, a much better situation is to work to resolve the problems and to form a happy union.

What do you see as the actual issues in your relationship? Business failure doesn't have to destroy your marriage. It can bring you together, if you are working as a team. Obviously that didn't happen and still doesn't seem to be happening.

There are things you can do to work towards a better marriage. What are you doing about it now?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Who really wanted the business? Just curious. You did it as a couple but you are the one who took the hit. 

Then the fact she needed a vacation away from you. Wives tend to like to vacation with their husbands. Adults skip vacations when they have financial issues. Sounds like you have neither an adult or a wife in your home.

From your brief overview it sounds like she has gotten whatever she wants. Might not even have much, if any, respect for you. To come back from this you both would have to basically become different people.

As others have said, just because you separate doesn't mean you are failing your son.

Best of luck.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How old are you two?

Why are you referring to these people as boy and girl, are they minors?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> How old are you two?
> 
> Why are you referring to these people as boy and girl, are they minors?


He is talking about himself and they have a kid.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

onesatellite said:


> Span of 5 years:
> 
> Mid-thirties boy and girl date
> Get married < 1 year
> ...


So you already cheated? That is how I read this.
Why didn’t you file BK as a couple? Did you do it on your own and leave her hanging out to dry? 
Can someone married buy a home in Canada without consent from their spouse? I couldn’t even refi the house I already owned without my husband signing off on it in the US.

Maybe it is just your writing style, but you sound like a selfish ass who is out to protect himself, is rewriting history and is more than willing to throw his wife (without much history) under the bus. Maybe I am misreading you but you seem to be blameshifting your own ****ty decisions on to her. Either way you should end the marriage.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

It's tough to figure if it's the case here, but in general, I've seen a trend where couples who married because the woman became pregnant tend to have more issues based on self-doubt than couples who got married first, kid project second (even if it started that first night). Getting married out of "responsibility" to a kid you created is noble and may be the right thing to do, but it leads to questioning whether you would have gotten married otherwise. Assuming the kid wasn't planned, that can cause some unfortunate thinking.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How well do the two of you get along? Because your child will observe everything and likely grow up to repeat it. I did. So did my child. That’s why I rarely recommend staying for your child.


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## onesatellite (Aug 24, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> @onesatellite,
> You are the "boy" here, correct?
> Nothing changes without action. If you want better communication, communicate.
> 
> What do you see as the actual issues in your relationship?


We are learning (I think) to communicate more effectively. 

Main issues/areas for growth: respect, maturity, responsibility, and priority setting.


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## onesatellite (Aug 24, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Who really wanted the business? Just curious. You did it as a couple but you are the one who took the hit.


It was her suggestion. I accept responsibility for my putting my own blinders on though.


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## onesatellite (Aug 24, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> So you already cheated? That is how I read this.
> Why didn’t you file BK as a couple? Did you do it on your own and leave her hanging out to dry?
> Can someone married buy a home in Canada without consent from their spouse? I couldn’t even refi the house I already owned without my husband signing off on it in the US.
> 
> Maybe it is just your writing style, but you sound like a selfish ass who is out to protect himself, is rewriting history and is more than willing to throw his wife (without much history) under the bus. Maybe I am misreading you but you seem to be blameshifting your own ****ty decisions on to her. Either way you should end the marriage.


No, I haven't cheated.

Re: BK. It was a strategic decision for just me to pursue it. My issue against her buying the home was specifically for that reason, i.e. it was uncertain how the business collapse would impact a newly purchased house. As for consent, anyone can borrow money to buy something on their own, and that's kind of what happened.

If I had been predominantly motivated to protect myself, I would have ended this much sooner.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

It's different for all....

"staying for the kids" is actually probably better for the kids in most cases(despite what a lot of people-mostly divorced and living lives apart-say) as long as the parents aren't really acrimonious but have fallen out of love and are no longer a unit and no longer on the same page...

Kids, like all immature and not fully developed creatures, by nature are selfish...They are primarily only concerned with what is best for them...They don't really concern themselves about their parents lack of intimacy, or whatever it is that separates them, or even what makes them unhappy....All they want is what is most beneficial to their growth and development...And that's how it should be...

Would they prefer to be in a totally harmonious and "normal" household with everyone in agreement and loving and caring about one another? Sure...But if given the choice of whether to be shuttled around back and forth, by two parents who may not even live in the same state, and still don't care about (or maybe even hate)one another, vs just living in their known and comfortable house, with their regular routine and all their stuff, even though the parents aren't really in love with one another and have drifted apart? I'd bet the kids would pick that option almost every time.. Bear in mind, that additionally, when there is a split, and both parents go their own way, then there is almost always a downgrade in lifestyle for the parents, and hence the kids...There will be less money for them(kids) because the parents now have to make the same amount of money pay for two households instead of one..

Bottom line is that if the parents aren't fighting and arguing all the time and can work together to raise the children, even though they are no longer a "couple" , then its doable, and IMO, desirable over the alternative....


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