# A painful lesson



## alleycatt (May 18, 2011)

this is my story, 6 months ago I found out my H had been having an 8 month an affair with his first ever GF I was devastated how could I not have seen the signs probably because I was not emotinally present in our marriage, my H tried every thing bar hit me over the head with a stick to let me know our 15 year marriage was in trouble and needed a serious intervention but I was so lost in my own world of kids, work and depression I didn't hear him, so this beautiful soul who was lonely believing that I only saw him just as a provider for myself and my children, sought comfort in the arms of his first love. He even asked me on numerous occasions would I like him to get a girlfriend so he wouldn't feel like he was pestering me, on the rare occasion that we were intimate he felt like I was going through the motions which made him feel like he was violating me.
The day I found out about this OW I cried and screamed at him he finally pulled me into his arms and I kissed him he says with more passion than he had felt in 6 years, how sad is it that it takes another woman to finally wake you up I have learned that if you don't have a love affair with your spouse some one else will, not that I am condoning what he did but I do hold myself a contributing factor in his infidelity, My H was about to leave after christmas to be with the OW, but my actions after finding out about him and his affair caused him to give us a second chance , unfortuneately the OW is still in our life, she tried to commit suicide in Jan my H feels responsible as he promised her he was going to be with her and I have accepted although it hurts that he does love her, some may call me stupid for allowing him to still have her in his life, but I hope that this will work out without me forcing the issue mean while I will continue to have a love affair with my husband and fight for what I should never have neglected in the first place.
it is good to know that there are others who are going through similar things I am open to comments and suggestions , it is good to have a support system be it annonomous.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who has cheated on their wife... I appreciate the sentiments of your post, and thank you for that. But...

It was still your husband's choice to cheat on you. He did have other options available to him, including separating/divorce. That's the moral option if continuing the marriage is not an option any longer. And that should happen BEFORE a relationship starts with someone else. So while you may have contributed to putting the marriage into a state where he even considered it (and he likely had contributions to that as well), it was his decision.

Second, in some ways I guess it's good that he's not abandoning her in her current mental state, but he really needs to get her out of your lives if your marriage has a chance. Just as you're not responsible for your husband's decision, he's not responsible for her decision. She needs to work on a support network that does not include your husband. Preferably with trained professionals.

Third, sentences are your friend! More than one or two per paragraph is nice. 

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Howdy there. Welcome to TAM.

You will find a lot of good advice/support here.

I will tell you: you guys can't work on your marriage as long as she's in the picture. She has to go.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Hi Alleycat,

Thanks for sharing. My relationship is in a similar situation although I haven't strayed...yet. I feel like I'm barely holding on though. Like I'm craving female touch so bad that I'm about to explode. There is no doubt that your husband was weak for straying, but it takes one heck of a man not to in some situations. 

I think you're being hard on yourself. Sure you're admitting some fault but he could have just as easily ended the marriage. I am wrestling with this concept now but I can't do this to my little girls. I have to man up and take it for a while.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

alleycatt said:


> this is my story, 6 months ago I found out my H had been having an 8 month an affair with his first ever GF I was devastated how could I not have seen the signs probably because I was not emotinally present in our marriage, my H tried every thing bar hit me over the head with a stick to let me know our 15 year marriage was in trouble and needed a serious intervention but I was so lost in my own world of kids, work and depression I didn't hear him, so this beautiful soul who was lonely believing that I only saw him just as a provider for myself and my children, sought comfort in the arms of his first love. He even asked me on numerous occasions would I like him to get a girlfriend so he wouldn't feel like he was pestering me, on the rare occasion that we were intimate he felt like I was going through the motions which made him feel like he was violating me.
> The day I found out about this OW I cried and screamed at him he finally pulled me into his arms and I kissed him he says with more passion than he had felt in 6 years, how sad is it that it takes another woman to finally wake you up I have learned that if you don't have a love affair with your spouse some one else will, not that I am condoning what he did but I do hold myself a contributing factor in his infidelity, My H was about to leave after christmas to be with the OW, but my actions after finding out about him and his affair caused him to give us a second chance , unfortuneately the OW is still in our life, she tried to commit suicide in Jan my H feels responsible as he promised her he was going to be with her and I have accepted although it hurts that he does love her, some may call me stupid for allowing him to still have her in his life, but I hope that this will work out without me forcing the issue mean while I will continue to have a love affair with my husband and fight for what I should never have neglected in the first place.
> it is good to know that there are others who are going through similar things I am open to comments and suggestions , it is good to have a support system be it annonomous.


She can threaten suicide all she wants, it's a control tactic nothing more. He isn't responsible for her actions. She knew what she was getting herself in to when she fooled around with a married man. She needs to be extracted from your lives like yesterday.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your husband is making excuses, get the OW out of the picture , there are only two in a marriage and if your husband does not drop her now he is still in the affair. Do not beg grovel or demean yourself , your husband could have left you without an affair, there is no excuse for what he has done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost all respect (Jan 20, 2011)

I'm curious about the part of accepting that he still loves her and because of the suicide attempt she is still in your lives? In what manner is she still involved? How sincere was her attempt...or was it a ploy to gain his sympathy?

I too had an affair, it wasn't easy in the beginning weeks/months after my wife's discovery to get over the OW......I felt torn. Even now the OW still crosses my mind occasionall......something I must fight, anything other than going no contact does not work in my opinion.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

Tell your husband to end it. If she threatens suicide or shows any behavior that might be considered suicidal, call 911. If she's lying, 48 hours in a hospital under mandatory surveillance will make her think twice before faking again. If she's telling the truth, she'll get help from professionals (which I assume your husband is not).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alleycatt (May 18, 2011)

Thank you for all the comments
The general consensus is the OW has to go
The OW did try to commit suicide and had a week stay in a psychiaric hospital.

My H visits her once a week she lives 2 hrs away in his hometown they do text and talk on the phone he feels it is his responsibilty to get her to a good place she ended her marriage for him, he was going to leave me.

what ever I try to write is going to sound like I am making excuses for him I know what he did was wrong he had other options,bottom line is I still love him we have 2 amazing kids.

I am going to sound nieve here but how do I get rid of the OW he says he is responsible for destroyng both of our lives and he won't abandon either one of us.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

alleycatt said:


> I am going to sound nieve here but how do I get rid of the OW he says he is responsible for destroyng both of our lives and he won't abandon either one of us.


You refuse him that option. You tell him that he can have either one of you, but not both. Make it clear that you are committed to being a better wife to him, but you're not interested in threesomes.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Look, some might disagree but I have seen enough suicides to know that if you want to kill yourself, it is very easy. That is not to say this woman is not suicidal, just that most likely in this case this is a play on her part. She needs help, but not from YOUR husband. You have taken responsibility for your actions, he needs to never speak with her again. Just don't fall back into the routine of putting those other areas first in you life to the exclusion of your husband. A very hard lesson to learn, good luck.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Agreed here -- hubby's gotta choose. In fact, by continuing any contact with the OW, he only enables her further with her selfish actions (and 'attempted' suicide IS a selfish action, make no mistake... plus I agree, while it's a cold statement if she really wanted to, she would have succeeded). By him walking away from her, he forces her to 'get better' one way or the other -- but without him, which is what she's got to ultimately learn to do anyway. Better now than later... because if not now, then later will never really come.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

alleycatt said:


> My H visits her once a week she lives 2 hrs away in his hometown they do text and talk on the phone  he feels it is his responsibilty to get her to a good place she ended her marriage for him, he was going to leave me.
> 
> I am going to sound nieve here but how do I get rid of the OW he says he is responsible for destroyng both of our lives and he won't abandon either one of us.


You have an open marriage. 

Read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson.

By tolerating the marriage with a third party, you are basically telling him it's ok with you.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Prolonging the inevitable is not going to start the healing process for her. Your H is giving her false hope and he needs to understand that. If he wants to do something for her, take her to a hospital and let them check her into a mental ward as suicidal and walk away. That is the best thing he can do for her. Prolonging it only makes her avoid the reality that is to come. If he can't believe that then tell him go and don't come back. Watch him face reality real quick.


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## alleycatt (May 18, 2011)

After reading all the comments and suggestions I finally had the courage to tell my H that he has to make a choice there will no longer be 3 in this marriage.
I told him to go away for the weekend and think about what he truly wants.
I understand that we can't continue to reconnect with the OW still in the picture.
Thank you all for your candor you really did make me think and now it is up to him.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Good for you, stay strong!


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

You did the right thing.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Alley,
Welcome. Huge props to you for recognizing your contribution.
As for the folks who say "he should have divorced you if it was that
Bad ...". I respectfully and totally disagree. A spouse should not
Have to give up seeing their kids because their partner has totally
Depriorotized them. 

With that said I hope we can help you to get him to see the light
And totally cut her out of your lives.

alleycatt;330113]this is my story, 6 months ago I found out my H had been having an 8 month an affair with his first ever GF I was devastated how could I not have seen the signs probably because I was not emotinally present in our marriage, my H tried every thing bar hit me over the head with a stick to let me know our 15 year marriage was in trouble and needed a serious intervention but I was so lost in my own world of kids, work and depression I didn't hear him, so this beautiful soul who was lonely believing that I only saw him just as a provider for myself and my children, sought comfort in the arms of his first love. He even asked me on numerous occasions would I like him to get a girlfriend so he wouldn't feel like he was pestering me, on the rare occasion that we were intimate he felt like I was going through the motions which made him feel like he was violating me.
The day I found out about this OW I cried and screamed at him he finally pulled me into his arms and I kissed him he says with more passion than he had felt in 6 years, how sad is it that it takes another woman to finally wake you up I have learned that if you don't have a love affair with your spouse some one else will, not that I am condoning what he did but I do hold myself a contributing factor in his infidelity, My H was about to leave after christmas to be with the OW, but my actions after finding out about him and his affair caused him to give us a second chance , unfortuneately the OW is still in our life, she tried to commit suicide in Jan my H feels responsible as he promised her he was going to be with her and I have accepted although it hurts that he does love her, some may call me stupid for allowing him to still have her in his life, but I hope that this will work out without me forcing the issue mean while I will continue to have a love affair with my husband and fight for what I should never have neglected in the first place.
it is good to know that there are others who are going through similar things I am open to comments and suggestions , it is good to have a support system be it annonomous.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alleycatt (May 18, 2011)

Alley,
Welcome. Huge props to you for recognizing your contribution.
As for the folks who say "he should have divorced you if it was that
Bad ...". I respectfully and totally disagree. A spouse should not
Have to give up seeing their kids because their partner has totally
Depriorotized them.

Thank you for saying this MEM11363
This weekend is going to be a tough weekend for me, I am with my children whilst my H is away making what might be a life changing decision for this family.
No he should not have had to leave his kids.
this is something that I created,he told me before he left that he should have been more insistantant that we get help but I should have heeded his warning but I continued to sweep it under the carpet along with every thing else I didn't want to face

There are many other contributing factors to how we got to this nightmare, but I don't want to bore every one with a 2 page essay.
But, I know I cant continue with this OW in our lives.
If we are to stand any chance of continueing to heal it has to be just the two of us.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

btw alley, many of us find sharing our own individual 2-page essay somewhat cathartic/therapeutic... as well as helpful to others who can identify their own situations (now or in the future). All up to you, and good luck -- hang in there this weekend; my wife is away, too, while I do the big decisive thinking....


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

alleycatt said:


> This weekend is going to be a tough weekend for me, I am with my children whilst my H is away making what might be a life changing decision for this family.


How do you know he isn't spending the weekend with her?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Craggy456 said:


> How do you know he isn't spending the weekend with her?


In the scheme of things? Doesn't matter. It's wasted energy. His decision and his commitment matter. 

If he chooses to stay with TOW and call his wife all weekend, then his commitment and decision don't matter either.

You did the right thing asking him to leave.


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