# Low/no sex drive



## Lyla (Oct 13, 2010)

I'm really sorry, but this is really long. I really hope someone can give me some words of advice.

DH and I have been married 5 years, and we have a 2-year old. Our marriage has been pretty good, other than the normal arguments/fights most couples have. DH is really bad at communication, and when he's upset he shuts down and denies being angry/upset. Otherwise, he's a very caring and loving guy.

We've been suffering with sexual problems on and off since the beginning. I've always been somewhat conservative about sex, and was never too comfortable with being 'creative' in the bedroom, unlike my husband. Despite my reservations, I tried to play along to the best of my abilities, but DH was never thoroughly happy with our sexual relationship. 

As time went by, my interest in sex started to decrease, and his increased exponentially. When I got pregnant, whatever little sex drive I had, diminished altogether. He was understanding, and stayed patient throughout. Since the day I got pregnant, to this day, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I actually wanted sex. The other few times that we've had it, I've had to force myself. 

It has started taking a toll on DH and our relationship...to the point where we've realized that something is majorly wrong. It's not just sex. I find even kissing and making out revolting most of the time. No matter how much I try, I just can't get into it. I feel like screaming when he's trying to get me in the "mood". I can't stand it when he gropes me in the privates or my breasts. We've had a couple of serious talks about it, where I told him I don't like it (in a nice way), and although he mostly avoids it now, he resents me for it. (This is something he's done from day one. I never felt quite comfortable with it ever, but I never said anything until the recent months when I just couldn't take it anymore.) 

I love him, and can't imagine not being with him anymore. Neither will he leave me because of this issue, but I feel guilty all the time. At the same time, I have unintionally started avoiding going to bed at the same time because I'm scared he'll want to have sex. I sometimes find myself avoiding eye contact because I worry he'll want to start making out. We've tried long foreplay, as well as a relaxing massage, which has helped somewhat in the past. Now I avoid the massage altogether. 

We keep having this fight every few weeks, without much result. He wants me to change, and in spite of seeking counselling, I just cannot get myself to be more intimate. [FYI: I was sexually groped and abused a number of times by an extended family member in my childhood, which my husband knows about. This has also been discussed in my counselling sessions.]

I feel like we're both falling into a black hole of depression. The more he wants sex, the more I get turned off, and the more I avoid it, the more he wants it. If by chance I do get into it eventually, I enjoy the orgasm, but I still don't enjoy the actual sex part. (I've never been able to have an orgasm during sex.) DH says what worries him most is the fact that I "enjoy" because of my body's reaction to the stimulation, and not because I want to be intimate with him -- which he translates into me not loving him.

Is this ever going to change? Is something psychologically wrong with me? (I've been thinking of making an appointment with a psychologist, since a counselor didn't help.)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whatever the problem is, please don't stop trying to fix it. Being on the receiving end of a sexless marriage is so not fun, it's hard to find words to adequately describe it. Put it this way, if I don't see some improvement rather soon, I'm heading off to Afghanistan. Imagine how bad life has to suck before a combat zone seems like a relief.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think the fact that you look at foreplay as him "groping" you and refer to it in a way that implies it's a bad thing is a telling sign. Whether it's a sign that he's going after sex in a way that is a total turn off or a sign that you have ended up with a not so good idea of sex isn't clear to me. 

I would continue with counseling, as I do think your past history contributes to what is happening now. I also would see your doctor for a thorough check up and have then draw blood and do labwork to ensure that everything is ok with you. I think it's possible you could have some underlying health condition that is interfering with your sex drive.Combine past history with an undiagnosed health condition and you end up where you are now. 

It's worth checking into anyway.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Forgetting about your husband for a couple of seconds, what about your sexuality in general? Do you fantasize, do you ever get horny?

The more he'll ask the more you'll get turned off, that's a sure thing. It will put a lot more pressure on you. That stress will kill even the tiny trace of attraction you could develop if left alone. I'm dealing with the same thing with my husband except he's the one who doesn't really want to. I feel like i should also say the more you starve him of it, it's likely more he'll want it and the more attractive you'll be for him...at least until he gets tired of asking. 

"I was sexually groped and abused a number of times by an extended family member" which means you associate that kind of behavior with something quite bad and unpleasant. Perhaps you should try have an honest talk with your own self (introspection) and try to separate your husband from your abuser. Touches like that may bring you back to those extremely bad moments in your life but your mind needs to understand that your husband's touch is not the same. It comes from a person who loves you, respects you and only has your well-being in mind.
A psychologist or sexologist might help. Till you get there though hope you'll find some relevant advice on this forum. There are people here on both sides of the story, yours and your husband's.


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## Lyla (Oct 13, 2010)

Thanks for your replies everyone. 

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I didn't mean I feel like he's groping during foreplay -- most of the times at least. It's these random times during our everyday activities like cooking, cleaning, etc. that he'd come and start touching my privates or would just want to "play" with my breasts. It was a major turn off and left me quite frustrated. I'm sure he felt frustrated too, not getting a response back or seeing me stiff up. After our talk, he has stopped that for the most part.

However, we also established in our recent discussion, that indeed I do think of sex as something bad. It's not something I like to even talk about with my DH (or anyone for that matter.) It's like I want nothing to do with it, nor hear or talk about it. 

I've been to the doctor about it a couple of times, and there doesn't seem to be any underlying medical condition, since I've had a blood test and all. I was so desperate, I _wanted_ something to be physically wrong, so we could at least fix it with medication. 

As for how my sexuality is in general, very rarely do I physically "feel" the need, and in the recent few months, I've never felt it even once. I don't fantasize either. So I know it's not DH, although I don't feel any physical attraction towards him, even though I love him. I don't know if that even makes sense.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

exactly what wifey is going through rite now, there just isnt the drive or the desire to make love with me... more often than not, my initiation is like hitting against the brick wall and the worst part, it iritates her most of the times when i try to ask for sex. so what can we do other than just respect ur her wishes and just live a sexless life?

while we do love each other to bits, unfortunately sex has and is still never part of something we can be proud of. while she is equallly fine with no sex, deep down it is frustrating and very hurtful. well i guess some men are just suckers when it comes to loving a person wholeheartedly and sacrificing the 1 thing that matters so much to him...


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi Lyla

Sharing and see below

As for how my sexuality is in general, very rarely do I physically "feel" the need, and in the recent few months, I've never felt it even once. I don't fantasize either. So I know it's not DH, although I don't feel any physical attraction towards him, even though I love him. I don't know if that even makes sense. 

Juidth: Do you think there is some emotional issues going on that need resolving. Those do play into it. Sex is vital to a partnership. You do need to find out what is contributing to you not being able to engage. Sometimes just doing it will bring the feelings back. THe more you do it the more you will want it. You will be surprised. 

Have you an him talk about a compromise and what you need to stimulate. THe challenge is he is maybe not giving you enough arousal to bring you to climax -not enough stimulation in foreplay as well as foreplay in nonsexual to bring you to wanting sex. That is vital for a woman

Thoughts? 

Judith


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## Jonathan (Oct 13, 2010)

Men will leave you if you don't service them and make them feel loved/sexy/desirable/awesome. All humans are insecure, its primal. 

I recommend that you start a campaign internally for wanting to get laid. Every day when you wake up, say to yourself 10 times, "I want to get f'd right now" And then watch some internet porn for 15 minutes. 

And if you are taking an SSRI, stop it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

To me, sex is important, but intimacy is more important. Sex is a major way couples typically communicate love, desire, appreciation, etc. If you find sex troublesome, perhaps it would help to find other ways to be intimate. Could be taking a walk with him, holding hands, just something special you only do with him. My wife has really low libido and it's obviously a problem for me, but it's easier on me if we continue to do other "couple" things. I could live without sex but don't want to live without love. Without that, all I am is some guy who goes to work and occupies space in a home. At some point, most couples end up in sexless marriages but they manage to remain in love.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> To me, sex is important, but intimacy is more important. Sex is a major way couples typically communicate love, desire, appreciation, etc. If you find sex troublesome, perhaps it would help to find other ways to be intimate. Could be taking a walk with him, holding hands, just something special you only do with him. My wife has really low libido and it's obviously a problem for me, but it's easier on me if we continue to do other "couple" things. I could live without sex but don't want to live without love. Without that, all I am is some guy who goes to work and occupies space in a home. At some point, most couples end up in sexless marriages but they manage to remain in love.


i think that's pretty common these days, when 1 goes sexless for a long period of time, the desire dies... but life still has to go on:smthumbup:


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## Jonathan (Oct 13, 2010)

malmale said:


> i think that's pretty common these days, when 1 goes sexless for a long period of time, the desire dies... but life still has to go on:smthumbup:


I get that this is your inner dialog to achieve cognitive consonance, but don't assume that this works for others. Cause it really doesn't.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Jonathan said:


> I get that this is your inner dialog to achieve cognitive consonance, but don't assume that this works for others. Cause it really doesn't.


correcto 
well, lets put it this way, wifey's low libido is clashing against my raging-bll hormones and the results are not pretty. so what can u do, compromise? well, if both can come to terms of 50% give n take, well n fine.

however, for my case, it is either i really try to forget about sex or risk arguing with her all the time on the same issue, ending up creating with more stress in our relationship...

since i love her so much, and so do her, and we're pretty tired with me pushing her n her saying no all the time. i see no way outta this torrid circle except for me to give in to her lack of needs. if it doesnt happen, too bad, if it does, then it's my lucky day


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sure, I can feel and be sexual today, but I'm one gunshot, explosion, or car crash from being even more unresponsive than my wife is, now. If that happened, I'd still be worth loving and I'd hope my wife would think so, too. I don't know why her sex drive is low but I'm pretty sure it's not something she asked for. I'm tired of feeling frustrated all the time, so maybe it's time to just give it a rest, at least for a while and concentrate on things we can do.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Unbelievable 

You need to rekindle the sex spark. What did you do in the beginning. Sex is vital. Maybe starting with nonsexual touch for while and move towards her vagina etc and then move back-sometimes the touch in a woman needs to be spark. full body massage and then sexual one-before entry. do this every nite before sleep. 

Judith


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## Lyla (Oct 13, 2010)

Judith, on the surface there doesn't seem to be any serious emotional issues anymore. We did go through a period where there were tons, mostly to do with being a new parent. I was even taking antidepressants for postpartum depression, but after talking to the doctor who said it could be contributing to my low libido, we decided I stopped taking them. 

I've had to sacrifice my career for our daughter-- though I still work from home from time to time. I cook and clean, take care of our toddler, even iron his clothes, without asking him to do anything around the house, other than taking out trash once a week. I also go to the gym to regularly work out in case being cooped in the house is making me not be "good enough" for him. He still criticizes me all the time for not having a 'hobby' or having something more productive to do, other than watch tv when I want to relax in the evenings after my daughter's bedtime. 

There are times when for a week or two, I'll feel normal and actually happy about sex -- not necessarily 'feeling' it, but happy to be close to my husband and to make him happy. However, most of the time, this topic makes me depressed altogether. I probably get irritated as well, but for the most part it's the immense guilt and depression I feel about this topic. 

*Unbelieveable*, it's all or nothing for my husband. If there's sex, he wants it everyday. If I say no a couple of times, he spends days ignoring me or being cold. When I ask him if he's angry or try talking about it, he simply denies. Pretty much 99% of the time, I have to actually spell out what exactly I did to make him angry, for him to even admit that yes, indeed he is angry. And that discussion ends up with the conclusion that something's majorly wrong with me -- which is true.

I want us to be intimate like hold hands, cook together, just be close, but if he's not getting sex, he wants nothing. I've even tried compromising on the number of times we have sex -- say once a week, but most of the time, he just refuses, saying if he's not getting it everyday or every other day, he'd rather not have it at all to save himself the frustration of the other times he'll be "rejected". When he spends days being cold, it pushes me away even more...making me think why I should force myself to have sex once a week, when the other 6 days, he's going to give me attitude. 

We've had numerous discussions on this topic. We both know what the problems are, but somehow, I'm the only one who's "wrong" because I'm the one not satisfying his needs.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

It takes a lot of love and understanding added with several metric toms of patience. We are finally on the track and have daily conversations about openess and trust. She reads romantic porn daily and has now bought a reader pad so there are no more actual books laying around. I write some pages of hot stuff for her and when she reads it the book pad goes down and the passion takes off. It takes two for this to work and even if its not a fair balance as long as both are in the same direction it will more than likely happen. I love my wife so much but the thought of living alone while she's right there...its been nearly twenty years now and I won't go on that way any longer.
Try reading some hot stuff from the internet. Not movies for you, women seem to enjoy reading more than movies.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Heya. I can kind of relate a bit to your post but from a different angle. I'm asexual but my husband is sexual, so I have sex to fulfil his needs, basically. I can relate to a lot of what you said there. The grossness factor especially, loool.  I do kinda the same, "playing along to the best of my abilities", but maybe you get the same as me: after you "play" for a number of months its kind of difficult to keep doing it anymore. What I do to get past that is when I get to the point of "no more", we have a break for about a week. After that week of not thinking about sex, I can kind of find the energy to do all the playing along again. It sort of recharges the willpower batteries or something.

Probably the best thing to do is get all the doctors checks (hormones might be out of whack.. some antidepressants can affect your hypothalamus as a side effect and hence affect your hormones and sex drive) to start off. Then it might be time to think about your previous abuse issues: have they been dealt with? Would a therapist help? I have not been abused but from what I read it can kind of infiltrate your whole life without you knowing it, if you did not effectively deal with it at some stage.

Oh, one thing we do that might help you also is try to make sex a bit fun. If there is one thing I just can't stand its serious sex. If something funny happens, laugh, make light of it. Keep it all light hearted and yeah.. just have fun. That's how I do it time after time - at least if its fun, I get something out of it.  You don't have to be horny to have fun! My husband says he likes that because I don't look as bored as I used to, and he says it kinda of makes up for the fact that I don't get horny. Not sure if that is true but hey it helps. 

Anyway, shutting up now ;P


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess I'm just confused. Your OP says "the few times we've had it" and your most recent said he wants it everyday and that you've said "no" a "couple times". I think once a week would be a reasonable, even wonderful compromise. I suggested the same to my wife. That's been weeks ago and it's pretty obvious that her end of the "agreement" just isn't going to happen. In a way, I do see your husband's point regarding rejection. There's a big part of me that would be almost relieved if I knew sex just would never be a possibility with her again. Frustration is expecting one thing and getting another. If I had no reason to expect anything again from her in that vein, I could just decide to either deal with it or make other arrangements. I'm neither married nor single, so what am I supposed to be, do, or feel?


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## Lyla (Oct 13, 2010)

*bumpgrind*, I haven't tried reading anything hardcore, but I read romance novels sometimes. A lot of times, I find myself skipping those parts unintentionally. If I do read through them, I don't feel anything. But yeah, maybe I can try reading with an "open" mind.

*76Trombones*: 
See, that makes sense to me. When you reach a stage when you can't do it anymore, you take a break from even thinking about it. But it's just not the case for me. Once we have sex, he wants it the next day, then the next, then the next. Even if we don't end up having it, he'll be all over me trying to get me in the mood again. And sometimes without realizing it, I keep pushing him away for days because he won't let me have a break from thinking about it, so I don't get a chance to recharge. 
As for keeping it fun, I've tried in the past, but he tends to get offended most of the time. He says I'm not taking it seriously. 

*Unbelievable*:
I guess we've had it more than "a few times". I should've worded it properly instead with "the other times we've had it." 
Anyway, I get what you're saying (or what my husband says), but it feels like it's *just* about sex. There's more to our lives. Like you said in one of your previous posts that a couple can be intimate without sex. (And I'm not even implying that there be no sex.) With DH, if there's no sex, there's no intimacy. Heck, most of the times, he won't even talk to me properly for days. I do understand that he's hurt (and if I were in his situation, I'd probably be too), but why does intimacy automatically translate into his hands inside my pants? And if I don't respond the way he would like me to, he distances himself altogether. On a number of occassions he has pointed out that we're not as intimate (non sexually) as we used to be, and it's true. In recent years, intimacy = sex, in both our minds. If he's being intimate in a non sexual way, within minutes, it'll become sexual. If I try to be intimate with him (non sexually), he translates it into sex, so naturally, if a person feels uncomfortable with an act that intimacy might lead to, they stop the "process" altogether. And I think that's what's making us more distant. Not only is there no sex, there's no intimacy. It's like a vicious cycle. 

For example, just yesterday evening we had a few nice intimate moments, where I initiated the intimacy. Although, he responded lovingly, within minutes he was lecturing me on how I need to open up and started telling me what I do wrong. I asked him if we could just enjoy the moment, to which he agreed. 

I'd had a really tiring day, so I was telling him about my day when we went to bed. He just started to rub my back very lightly while listening to me, which felt heavenly. I thought to myself "wow, he's actually responding to me without the sexual touching." Lo and behold, 2 minutes later, he moved into my pj's. That went on for about 10 minutes before he noticed I looked extremely stressed, so he asked me what was wrong. I told him I was really enjoying the way he was rubbing my back, but it turned sexual. He denied his hand being in my pj's as being "sexual", but then apologized. At this point, I didn't know whether to tend to my own resentful thoughts about him not understanding what I'm going through, or feel guilty and apologize for hurting him. And now I've to be ready for a few days of coldness and silence coming my way.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

A relationship without the intimacy you are referring to is called a "friendship" at best. That's the difference between a roommate or friend - and a spouse. You have some of the same components and you have regular sex.

Of course he is getting frustrated and cold. He married you because he loves you. He supports you, he desires you, and he expects more than just the actions and feeling of a "friend" back from you.

You don't feel sexual, and because of this you don't initiate or make any effort sexually. Therefore he initiates and trys for sex, which annoys you. So if he tries he annoys you, if he doesn't try your not interested so you don't initiate.

Men and women are different and feel and express love differently. He is obviously aware of this as he is trying different ways to get you interested, and listening to you and stopping actions that are bothering you.

As a man he needs the physical to feel loved by you. So he is getting nothing from this marriage that he requires to feel loved and your suprised he is hurt and cold?

How long do you think this will last before he feels nothing for you, or goes outside the marriage?

You need to start somewhere and make effort as well.... if your not into sex initially give him a hand job, or oral, or masterbate together. Start somewhere and make progress in the right direction before you lose him.

And by the way - if you have some requirements that you need from him in this area - tell him what you need from him.


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## lil miss wifey (Sep 5, 2010)

Girl u must be halle berry for him not to leave u already, but i'ts true what eagleclaw said i'm taking notes from that, well i'm not going through what ur going through exactly, but i've been abused as a child and I told my husband that b4 we got married but although I tried my best to kept it out my mind, I realized a few weeks ago that that could be the reason why my sex life is sooooooo bad

But other than being abused there is things that my husband should or could do, other than the things he is already trying that isn't working eg. he could by me something nice to eat because I love food lol but that still doesn't work at all so I guess I have a serious problem and it's not him it's me, so I have to take care of this thing that is clearly preventing me from enjoying having sex or making love with my husband

When we have sex it makes the both of our lives light up like a christmas tree, but I still have to deal with a lot of things that keeps me from giving him what he wants or what he needs, but marriages needs sex and happy sex not just lets do this and its done sex, so if someone said that there love life could go on sex less haha never, sex is like therapy its a way we show each other how much we love and appreciate each other and it's what should keep us 2gether, other than the other things we do but still we can't go sexless , so sex is very important in a marriage.

I know girl, its difficult as I said we're not going through the same thing but similar in a way, but going on like this wouldn't help your marriage, so getting help and figuring out what u want from him in this area if anything will help, and also what u can give, please give something LOL


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He has been taught to equate sex with intimacy with love. You admitted that your mind used to work the same. I know it wasn't intentional, but you changed the rules. He has to not only learn a new language but learn who he is and how he fits into things. Sex is a huge part of who we are and it's tough to change who we fundamentally are. I think you handled the PJ incident well. He needs to know you crave him, if not always sexually, always lovingly. If you feel like you're starving, it's hard to be happy just smelling a little cake. I know it's a pain in the backside to you, but in a way, isn't it great to have a spouse who finds you sexy and desirable? Lots of women wish their man would still try to get into their pjs. Have patience and lots of luck to you both.


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## cliff (Jan 31, 2009)

Lyla, can I ask if you are willing to take care of him with oral or hand jobs to help bridge the gap? Meaning, can you go to him a couple times a week without him having to ask and initiate these other sexual activities that do not require intercourse, but could keep him happy? If not, why? 

And sorry if I'm making you repeat yourself if you've already addressed this here, but what was your sex life like before? Was it ever where you both wanted it to be?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Lyla:

Can I ask you something, and it's not a leading question (okay, maybe a little but really, it's open ended):

With regards to sexuality, how did you envision your marriage in your 20's, 30's, 40's, and when you are old? (ha, ha. . .just kidding to the 50 years olds out there)

Seriously though, what was your vision of where you'd be at now with your husband? (i am assuming you are in your 30's).

Use terms of quality of sex and frequency of sex so I can get a vision of what you thought marriage was about with regards to sexuality.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI 

I am sorry I didn't see this until now. I dont know what is going on and one of the emails I use has issues from time to time. but I haven't been getting the responses. etc. so bear with me here

Judith, on the surface there doesn't seem to be any serious emotional issues anymore. We did go through a period where there were tons, mostly to do with being a new parent. I was even taking antidepressants for postpartum depression, but after talking to the doctor who said it could be contributing to my low libido, we decided I stopped taking them.

Judith: Ok

I've had to sacrifice my career for our daughter-- though I still work from home from time to time. I cook and clean, take care of our toddler, even iron his clothes, without asking him to do anything around the house, other than taking out trash once a week. I also go to the gym to regularly work out in case being cooped in the house is making me not be "good enough" for him. He still criticizes me all the time for not having a 'hobby' or having something more productive to do, other than watch tv when I want to relax in the evenings after my daughter's bedtime.

JdutiH: Sometimes the feeling from the criticize can contribute to how you feel about sex. Do both of you do nonsexual affection at all before he leaves for work, does he call you during the day, do you kiss before you get up and after you both are in bed. Does he do any nonsexual affection with you and for you in bed before sleep? 
Sometimes starting with nonsexual affection and then sexual massages wihtout it leading to intercourse can bring some thing back -it takes time. This needs to be continuous.Maybe start with this for while -this is better than nothing

There are times when for a week or two, I'll feel normal and actually happy about sex -- not necessarily 'feeling' it, but happy to be close to my husband and to make him happy. 

Judith:Usually that is what women want in sex. that is how they are wired. You do need a time to transition from being a mom to being a sexy woman in bed and any other time. He and you can help you with that by doing nonsexual talk etc or and or sexual talk throughout the day. Some women need to put it on the calendar to remind themselves about it. Mabye attempt to do ti once a week even if you dont do intercourse at least something was attempted. Your ages have a factor as well. 

However, most of the time, this topic makes me depressed altogether. I probably get irritated as well, but for the most part it's the immense guilt and depression I feel about this topic.

Judith: Why do you think you feel guilty and depressed about it and wht is the irritation about? 

Unbelieveable, it's all or nothing for my husband. If there's sex, he wants it everyday. If I say no a couple of times, he spends days ignoring me or being cold. When I ask him if he's angry or try talking about it, he simply denies. Pretty much 99% of the time, I have to actually spell out what exactly I did to make him angry, for him to even admit that yes, indeed he is angry. And that discussion ends up with the conclusion that something's majorly wrong with me -- which is true.

Judith: YOu both need to come to a compromise and he needs to learn where your hot buttons are like I mention above. Men need direct questions. not beat around the bush. He should be thankful that he is getting it once a week. couples with disabiliities etc have work around when

I want us to be intimate like hold hands, cook together, just be close, but if he's not getting sex, he wants nothing. 

Judith: Do you think you could try starting the holding hands and all. He needs to reallize that 

I've even tried compromising on the number of times we have sex -- say once a week, but most of the time, he just refuses, saying if he's not getting it everyday or every other day, he'd rather not have it at all to save himself the frustration of the other times he'll be "rejected". 

Judith: If his age is in his 20s they usually want it like that. To me it sounds like he has some problem going on... 
IT sounds like he has an emotional problem regarding it. 

When he spends days being cold, it pushes me away even more...making me think why I should force myself to have sex once a week, when the other 6 days, he's going to give me attitude.

Jduith: Right but it sounds like to me he is acting like a child with this and that could be related to the past like an emotional thing like that can affect how sex is played out-if that makes sense. 

We've had numerous discussions on this topic. We both know what the problems are, but somehow, I'm the only one who's "wrong" because I'm the one not satisfying his needs.

Jduith: No I am sorry but it takes two to tango. Hve you ask him to help with the kid and then you would be more open to sex more often

Thoughts? 

Judith


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## jesspreder (Nov 6, 2010)

*Unbelieveable*, it's all or nothing for my husband. If there's sex, he wants it everyday. If I say no a couple of times, he spends days ignoring me or being cold. When I ask him if he's angry or try talking about it, he simply denies. Pretty much 99% of the time, I have to actually spell out what exactly I did to make him angry, for him to even admit that yes, indeed he is angry. And that discussion ends up with the conclusion that something's majorly wrong with me -- which is true.

I want us to be intimate like hold hands, cook together, just be close, but if he's not getting sex, he wants nothing. I've even tried compromising on the number of times we have sex -- say once a week, but most of the time, he just refuses, saying if he's not getting it everyday or every other day, he'd rather not have it at all to save himself the frustration of the other times he'll be "rejected". When he spends days being cold, it pushes me away even more...making me think why I should force myself to have sex once a week, when the other 6 days, he's going to give me attitude. 

We've had numerous discussions on this topic. We both know what the problems are, but somehow, I'm the only one who's "wrong" because I'm the one not satisfying his needs.[/QUOTE]

*OMG this is me and my husband! I am super stumped....I dont have a kid and I dont have the prior emotional trauma you do, but I feel the same way...I have to force myself to do it. My husband reacts the exact same yours is. As far as some of the other replies, I have no interest in anything sexual either, be it sexy writing, new positions, hand jobs, blow jobs, any of it! Please let me know if you are finding things that are working...Sorry I don't have any "advice" but its nice to see Im not the only one, and you arent either!*


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

Lyla said:


> Judith, on the surface there doesn't seem to be any serious emotional issues anymore. We did go through a period where there were tons, mostly to do with being a new parent. I was even taking antidepressants for postpartum depression, but after talking to the doctor who said it could be contributing to my low libido, we decided I stopped taking them.
> 
> I've had to sacrifice my career for our daughter-- though I still work from home from time to time. I cook and clean, take care of our toddler, even iron his clothes, without asking him to do anything around the house, other than taking out trash once a week. I also go to the gym to regularly work out in case being cooped in the house is making me not be "good enough" for him. He still criticizes me all the time for not having a 'hobby' or having something more productive to do, other than watch tv when I want to relax in the evenings after my daughter's bedtime.
> 
> ...


You are the one who's sex drive has decreased...so what are you doing to get it back up? If you satisfy your man, or at least make a consistent effort...you'll win him over and get all of the hand-holding and listening you can handle. A word of caution: if you don't start making these efforts...consistently...your man will likely cheat OR build-up so much resentment for you that your relationship will be doomed. You need to make the change.

Sorry,
CC


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Naturally, he wants sex all the time. He's been deprived for quite a while and now when he's rejected, he doesn't know if it's for two days, a week, maybe 6 months, or forever. Rejecting one's spouse results in consequences. Left long enough, the consequences are fatal to a marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lyla,
A really tiring day is a perfectly valid reason for saying "I would love to connect with you tomorrow - just wiped out tonight" It is also fair for him to just learn to read your body language so he knows when you are tired and that a request for sex is a selfish act in that situation. Just as it is a selfish act to reject him just because "you don't feel like it". 

If you ask to connect tomorrow he should respond to that with - "let me give you a nice massage to relax you after your long day" - and it is just a massage, not a gateway to foreplay. I do that for my W many nights when she has had a tough day. Just massage - no sex. 

BUT this only works if he knows you ARE making sex a priority. Not every night - but in general. If my W was deprioritizing our sex life, I would NOT be cool with a non-sexual massage. It would just frustrate me and I would feel used. 

But if you make sex a priority, then he he needs to make non-sexual touch/intimacy a priority for you. 

If the two of you defined some clear signals - it would avoid him approaching you when you do NOT want to be approached so he would get rejected much less often. 

And on the nights you are open to it - you can ask him for a sensual massage and then give him some feedback on how to turn you on that way. And then once turned on you can play. 

Actually the best teaching tool is mirroring. You massage him the exact same way you want him to massage you. Then have him do it back to you right then while it is fresh in his mind. And give him feedback as needed so he gets really good at it. 

For us that goes like this:
- back massage to relax
- butt and inner thigh massage to arouse
- kissing to inflame 
- normal foreplay to follow

I like giving my W a massage - so 15 minutes of back and 15 minutes of sensual massage is normal for us. 

Most important - we take turns - she gives as good as she gets. 

And while a strict "quota" is not necessarily a good thing, it is important to know what frequency is "ideal" for him, and what frequency is acceptable/he is satisfied/happy with it. 







Lyla said:


> *bumpgrind*, I haven't tried reading anything hardcore, but I read romance novels sometimes. A lot of times, I find myself skipping those parts unintentionally. If I do read through them, I don't feel anything. But yeah, maybe I can try reading with an "open" mind.
> 
> *76Trombones*:
> See, that makes sense to me. When you reach a stage when you can't do it anymore, you take a break from even thinking about it. But it's just not the case for me. Once we have sex, he wants it the next day, then the next, then the next. Even if we don't end up having it, he'll be all over me trying to get me in the mood again. And sometimes without realizing it, I keep pushing him away for days because he won't let me have a break from thinking about it, so I don't get a chance to recharge.
> ...


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## LoveLife2 (Nov 8, 2010)

Lyla,

I am going through something similar. I would rather masturbate than have sex with my husband most of the time. It has helped me to be more comfortable with me and find out what I like and don't like. I am not sure how to fix the problem completely, but here are a few ideas that seem to help...

Pregnancy and childbirth change a woman's hormones, and it can affect our sex life. I rarely wanted anything during pregnancy and for about a year after (nursing made it difficult too... having him touch my breasts where my baby fed an hour before? weird! LOL) So, please know that it is normal at those times to not want anything.

I was never abused as a child, but for some reason, I have a bubble space as well-- I don't like the playful touching and games a lot of the time. I feel bad, because I know it is fun for my husband, but it turns me off.

Now, I don't know how many people would agree with this, but sometimes a couple of minutes of a porn clip will get me in the mood. Husband and I watch it together, and then we go at it. It is rare, but at least we get to have sex. 

My husband sometimes initiates in the middle of the night, and he is half asleep. I hated it-- I finally started telling him no at night-- in the morning he hardly remembered it. But it helped me to feel more in control instead of giving in every time. 

Communicate during sex-- I will tell my husband what I want, how i want to be touched, etc. As i mentioned, masturbation helped me become more aware of my body, and I can communicate it better to my husband. I tell him what to do, and that helps too. I let him know that some days he just can't grab my breasts at all, and he understands that.

I also believe that certain religious beliefs and teachings can put a negative view on sex and intimacy. (calling it sinful until marriage can damage a person's understanding of it-- seriously). Consider what you learned growing up, and try to work through those feelings. Try to view it as something positive.

Good luck!


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## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Hi Lyla,

I just wanted to say that I hope you find some helpful advice on here.

Our situations sound identical, except i've been married 3years and have a 15 month old.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Lyla

Couples need to make an effort to schedule it but you dont have to stick with teh day same every week. At least as long as it happens within that week. The purpose is to have it more than once a month -Men as they get older slow down need more stimulation etc but the quality is important. The more one wants it the more you will want it. 

Judith


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## tinyturt (Nov 4, 2010)

In my case I think my desire is increasing while my wife's has descreased to near zero. I get relief but it's not all that fulfilling. We've been married a long time and Love each other immensely but hormonal changes of life have affected things. I am hoping things will get beter.


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## sha4ria (Nov 10, 2010)

jesspreder said:


> *Unbelieveable*, it's all or nothing for my husband. If there's sex, he wants it everyday. If I say no a couple of times, he spends days ignoring me or being cold. When I ask him if he's angry or try talking about it, he simply denies. Pretty much 99% of the time, I have to actually spell out what exactly I did to make him angry, for him to even admit that yes, indeed he is angry. And that discussion ends up with the conclusion that something's majorly wrong with me -- which is true.
> 
> I want us to be intimate like hold hands, cook together, just be close, but if he's not getting sex, he wants nothing. I've even tried compromising on the number of times we have sex -- say once a week, but most of the time, he just refuses, saying if he's not getting it everyday or every other day, he'd rather not have it at all to save himself the frustration of the other times he'll be "rejected". When he spends days being cold, it pushes me away even more...making me think why I should force myself to have sex once a week, when the other 6 days, he's going to give me attitude.
> 
> We've had numerous discussions on this topic. We both know what the problems are, but somehow, I'm the only one who's "wrong" because I'm the one not satisfying his needs.


*OMG this is me and my husband! I am super stumped....I dont have a kid and I dont have the prior emotional trauma you do, but I feel the same way...I have to force myself to do it. My husband reacts the exact same yours is. As far as some of the other replies, I have no interest in anything sexual either, be it sexy writing, new positions, hand jobs, blow jobs, any of it! Please let me know if you are finding things that are working...Sorry I don't have any "advice" but its nice to see Im not the only one, and you arent either!*[/QUOTE]


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## sha4ria (Nov 10, 2010)

my wife had 3 kids now and sex is not good at all she also has polestric overries which is not good itry having sex she does not enjoy it one bit in the begining it was great after first child it went down hardly once a week less enjoyment for her but now i thinking twice what do i do , im still young and now that im going gym all the time i feel like sex all the time and she does not feel like any more is it pointless being with her ? if she refuse i get moody or go to the the next to the next room and sulk ignore her too. she then feel bad the next day drops her knickers saying ok u can do it but with out proper sex i enjoy but shedoes not only for my sake she takes my penis in her vigina she hate blowjobs mostly i rub my penis on her bum now and days because now she has a very low sex drive . i need or want proper sex again i have good sex drive can do it over a hour if she want but now it 2mins she tells me to hurry up and come


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Shar4ia

my wife had 3 kids now and sex is not good at all she also has polestric overries which is not good itry having sex she does not enjoy it one bit in the begining it was great

Judith: Is there any medical thing that can be done for that? on her ovaries-needs to have it check out


after first child it went down hardly once a week less enjoyment for her but now i thinking twice what do i do , 

JUidth: Because of the ovaries and it hurting when she is have sex-it will dwindle the amount of how often she wants it

im still young and now that im going gym all the time i feel like sex all the time and she does not feel like any more is it pointless being with her ? 

JUdith: Why not do nonsexual touch and sexual touch that doesn't lead to intercourse and then after while like six weeks or so then do intercourse when she wants it. WOmen need conversation and talk throughout the day in order to engage in sex

if she refuse i get moody or go to the the next to the next room and sulk ignore her too. 

Juidth: She doens't undersatnd how you are wired and why at your age you need it and want it alot. She would too if she wasn't in pain when she has intercourse due to the ovaries

she then feel bad the next day drops her knickers saying ok u can do it but with out proper sex i enjoy but shedoes not only for my sake she takes my penis in her vigina

JUdith: Due to the pain, I would be thankful for this for now

she hate blowjobs mostly i rub my penis on her bum now and days because now she has a very low sex drive .

Judith: She needs to go to the medical doc to find out what is wrong

i need or want proper sex again i have good sex drive can do it over a hour if she want but now it 2mins she tells me to hurry up and come

Judith; Because she is in pain due to the ovaries. YOu do need to do nosnexual touch throughout the day and at nite even if she doesn't want sex. besides intercourse

Judith


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## Katydid4841 (Nov 10, 2012)

I'm sorry but maybe someone has to stand up for the women in this forum, who are struggling with NOT having a sex drive and only getting goaded and guilted into feeling even worse about it. Maybe "just do it so your husband doesn't leave you or cheat on you" isn't the message that's most helpful, hmm? How about this, to the husbands: grow up, go jerk off, and leave your poor wife alone. It's the same **** every thread. We put up with the guilt from our own husband and then come here seeking advice, and all we hear is that it's OUR fault, it's NOT ok, it must be something medical or we're just messed up in the head. NO! How about it's a NORMAL process, to get turned off for a while, and if it's meant to turn back on it WILL in it's own time! To me SEX does NOT define a marriage. It is FAMILY. It is QUALITY time together. It is holding hands in public. Watching TV and snuggling. Playing games with the kids. Talking about our days. Planning a future. Helping each other through the good times AND the bad. And SEX has nothing to do with any of those things! If marriage = sex to you, maybe YOU are the one with the problem.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

No Katy - marriage is about putting your partner FIRST on a regular basis. And allowing them to do the same for you. 

If you can't feel good about doing that, you need to get help because you are now making the marriage all about you ALL the time. 

That other stuff is great. I love doing it. And I would not leave my wife if she stopped having sex with me. We would just remove sex as a part of the marriage and she would suspend her expectations that I forsake all others. 

You seem to want the commitment without the responsibility. That won't work well with a man who has a spine.


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## Katydid4841 (Nov 10, 2012)

Thanks but I put my husband first in MANY instances. Many more than he does for me. I've changed jobs, moved from state to state, was the one who had the kids that ruined my body and make me feel like a fat ugly lump, got a job when he asked me to, cut down hours when he asked me to, compromised on every occasion that we need to make a joint decision because THAT'S what marriage is about. And forgive me but I'm just not that concerned with satisfying his sexual needs if I have a severe issue with it RIGHT NOW that I am absolutely trying to address with every avenue possible. 

And if you have no respect for your wife's distress over the subject either, and you're making it ALL ABOUT YOU, then aren't you doing the same exact thing you just accused me of?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Context is so helpful.

My W - who is a great all round life partner - had a painful medical condition "down there" which precluded sex for 2 months. She was more then willing to supplement by providing me one sided entertainment during that time. I maybe said yes once. She got it fixed - all worked out - no stress. 

Good luck to you. 




Katydid4841 said:


> Thanks but I put my husband first in MANY instances. Many more than he does for me. I've changed jobs, moved from state to state, was the one who had the kids that ruined my body and make me feel like a fat ugly lump, got a job when he asked me to, cut down hours when he asked me to, compromised on every occasion that we need to make a joint decision because THAT'S what marriage is about. And forgive me but I'm just not that concerned with satisfying his sexual needs if I have a severe issue with it RIGHT NOW that I am absolutely trying to address with every avenue possible.
> 
> And if you have no respect for your wife's distress over the subject either, and you're making it ALL ABOUT YOU, then aren't you doing the same exact thing you just accused me of?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Katydid4841 said:


> I'm sorry but maybe someone has to stand up for the women in this forum, who are struggling with NOT having a sex drive and only getting goaded and guilted into feeling even worse about it. Maybe "just do it so your husband doesn't leave you or cheat on you" isn't the message that's most helpful, hmm? How about this, to the husbands: grow up, go jerk off, and leave your poor wife alone. It's the same **** every thread. We put up with the guilt from our own husband and then come here seeking advice, and all we hear is that it's OUR fault, it's NOT ok, it must be something medical or we're just messed up in the head. NO! How about it's a NORMAL process, to get turned off for a while, and if it's meant to turn back on it WILL in it's own time! To me SEX does NOT define a marriage. It is FAMILY. It is QUALITY time together. It is holding hands in public. Watching TV and snuggling. Playing games with the kids. Talking about our days. Planning a future. Helping each other through the good times AND the bad. And SEX has nothing to do with any of those things! If marriage = sex to you, maybe YOU are the one with the problem.


I love my family... I love my son, my mom, my father, etc. but I don't screw them... So, yeah sex is kind of the distinction of marriage, the point. All that other stuff, the snuggling and holding hands, yeah. That's necessary too. It's all necessary, each part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## juicecondensation (Oct 11, 2012)

Sadly many women feel this way about sex. It leads me to believe that it's just natural for a woman to... not like sex that much.

If you are a man heading into marriage you probably shouldn't expect that much in the sex department. Sure if you are lucky your wife might like and be enthusiastic about sex.... But more than likely she's not gonna be.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Not true at all... Dysfunctional women like this are not the norm... Besides, there are plenty of wives who are pouring their hearts out in this section baffled as to how to get their husbands to fvck them. They're going through the same so it's a male problem too... But not normal... No, it is not normal to fail to uphold and nurture the sexual relationship that must be a part of any real, non-counterfeit marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My wife has no sex drive, zero. After many years of arguing, I've accepted that things will never change. We have sex once in while. She gave me the choice to leave the marriage. I didn't (for the kids), so it's up to me. My wife likes sex when we have it and enjoys it more because she is not under pressure anymore. Am I happy? Well, not quite, because without sex we lost the intimacy and basically I've fallen out of love with her. This is what it will happen, eventually. I'm not saying she should have sex if she doesn't want to, on the contrary. But expect the husband to give up at some point (like me) and the marriage will turn into a brother/sister companionship or divorce. I'm nearly 50... can I live like this for the rest of my life? Probably not.


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## BBCJON (Nov 14, 2012)

WOW i did not realise how many people are in the same boat as me (feels like the titanic of sexless marriages).

Katy you sound like you have tried very hard in every aspect of your relationship but you must understand that the only difference between being good friends and being in a relationship is sex or sexual attraction. 

My wife enjoys sex on the rare occasion we have it but she does not seem to realise how much a man rely's on physical contact & sex to feel good.

My confidence and all round happiness certainly feels tied to our sexual activity, I cant speak for all men obviously but when she rejects my advances for sex i feel completely unloved, unappreciated and my confidence obviously dips. 

I think sex is a very natural and important part of a marriage, i love my wife and have put up with huge periods of absolutely no sex and even longer periods of sex maybe once a month if im lucky, but i think it has had a massively detrimental effect on us and i can understand why some men cheat on their wives (this is not something i have ever considered as i could not bare to split up my family). Basically if it was not for the kids i think we would have gone our separate ways.


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

Nekko said:


> [..]
> 
> I feel like i should also say the more you starve him of it, it's likely more he'll want it and the more attractive you'll be for him...at least until he gets tired of asking.
> 
> [..]


true that. it really works that way, unfortunately.
now I'm in the "tired of asking" state, kind of relieved that the desire has diminished and I'm no longer a needy/pestering guy, but it does not do any good for the marriage as a whole. we're almost roommates now, raising our kid together, kissing occasionally, but that's about it. no desire to have sex with my wife anymore. I don't want to take any action to get it resolved, I'm tired of action, will take some time not to do things and will see what life will bring me. OP - you don't want to get your husband into this state, except if you don't care about the marriage, or you feel that it is at least partially over anyway.


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

Katydid4841 said:


> Thanks but I put my husband first in MANY instances. Many more than he does for me. I've changed jobs, moved from state to state, was the one who had the kids that ruined my body and make me feel like a fat ugly lump, got a job when he asked me to, cut down hours when he asked me to, compromised on every occasion that we need to make a joint decision because THAT'S what marriage is about. And forgive me but I'm just not that concerned with satisfying his sexual needs if I have a severe issue with it RIGHT NOW that I am absolutely trying to address with every avenue possible.
> 
> And if you have no respect for your wife's distress over the subject either, and you're making it ALL ABOUT YOU, then aren't you doing the same exact thing you just accused me of?


I don't really think that marriage is all about compromising and giving in on a daily basis. from these couple of posts I can't say that you have a happy marriage, and it doesn't look like you yourself believe you do. too much resentment is seeping out of these posts. sorry, if I'm wrong.


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