# Am I doing something wrong?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

In the past few months, the W and I have made a conscious effort to work on reconnecting intimately, and overall, I think our sex life and marriage in general has improved. It got an added boost when I adressed the issue of my dependency on the internet (no hardcore, all soft), and how I realized that the problem was affecting us. She says she has no problem with me looking at porn or masturbating (I have a good sex drive, she's older than me and hers is lower), but I always felt "dirty". I, in the past few years, have complained to her about lack of intimacy, accused her of feeling "safe" and therefore being exempt from having to try, I even suspected an OM for a brief spell! One thing you'll notice about my responses and threads is that I have a very over-active imagination, and it sometimes gets away from me. And, no, there was no affair. But I woke up and realized that I wasn't giving her my 100%, it felt like I was asking her to hit home runs, and I wasn't even coming out of the dugout! I'll file that under "Top 5 Life Regrets". Part of the problem is that she comes from Korea, and women over there who are overtly affectionate are seen as too clingy and needy, and, long story short, I've finally accepted the fact that I took the woman out of Korea, but I can't take Korea out of the woman! 
But anyway, here's the problem: while we have been having more sex, it's been sorta "hit and miss" for me. Some days, it's just fine, and others, I just can't climax. Am I doing something wrong? Is it because we'd had such a dry spell, and now we're starting up again, and I'm not yet "in gear"? Maybe it's that I'm not getting any younger- I'll hit the big 4-0 next year. Perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on myself? Maybe it's the deep-down guilt of the porn problem? Maybe I should talk to a sex therapist? But if I do, I want it to be as a "last resort", if you will, I want to try and take care of this on the home front- heck, why do you think I'm writng this? 
But, seriously, any suggestions? This isn't killing me by any means, but I just think that my performance is a little rusty.

P.S.-Sorry about the smiley. I wanted to put him after the "Korea" comment, but I am not the most computer savvy guy out there!.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

My H says sometimes he can't climax because we are having too much sex. But he climaxed 5 days in a row recently, and he only has trouble when he is really tired, as in sleep deprived for several days in a row. I write a lot about my tired H, but I can see it makes a big difference. He can still get hard, but he will get soft during IC when tired. Is that the same for you? My H is in his 50s. Oh, and he doesn't care now if that happens, and neither do I. Sometimes his body doesn't do what he wants it to do. It's sort of like sneezing, etc, - your body just does it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you are 'up in your head' as much as you indicate, particularly during the event, I don't doubt this is a contributing factor.

You taking any meds for ADD or depression? Those will do it too.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sara Ann, love yer advice, always! Perhaps you are right about the tiredness. I'm a RR engineer, and am on call 24/6, so my biological clock is on twelve different time zones! LOL! I only get one day off per week, and that is our "intimacy day", when nothing else bothers us and the kid is in school. My W does tell me I need to rest more and that I work too hard, and it always seems that I'm not in synch.
Deejo, maybe it is "all in my head", W always accuses me of being oversensitive and thinking too much!  I do believe that I put too much pressure on myself, perhaps if I just relaxed more?
And no, I am not on any medications.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

It's only an orgasm  Chill out. Enjoy the journey, not the destination!


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## taylor78 (Sep 4, 2010)

Try to enjoy sex rather than focusing on the orgasm. It looks like you think/worry too much and sometimes that causes "malfunction". My advice to you is to relax and don't think too much. I hope this helps.


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