# I'm falling back into my hole



## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I don't why, but I am just not letting go of the hope I have that she will change. She refused to continue counseling after going only twice. She refuses to talk to me at all. And there is a guy at work she has a "crush" on. We have been separated for a week now and she has filed for divorce. I was trying so hard to be strong and accept it. I don't know if it was getting papers in the mail or what is was. I just cant do it. I don't want to see her go. I miss holding her at night and her awesome kisses. In our religion marriage is for "time and all eternity" not "till death do us part". I am losing my love forever. I am just a mess today. I still haven't caved and text her yet, but I am so close. I want to be with her more than anything and I have so much hope it will happen. The way she acting though, leaves me with no support for my hope. I keep trying to tell myself it will be better this way, I feel like I keep lying to myself. is it possible for me to just let it go? I feel so empty without her and it shattered my heart when she asked me to leave. There are some days I am totally ready to move on and want someone else and just to take care of me. I am mess today though. I want to fall asleep forever and just live in my dreams where we are happy again.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

There is a good day coming. I'm in a low spot today as well. I think I see a hill up ahead on this roller coaster. The good days will come.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Yes they will....

Yesterday for me, was TERRIBLE....well, this entire week has been.

Today has been a better day! I haven't cried....yet 
Hang in there


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Part of me wants to get the 90 day waiting period for the divorce waived. just to try to move on and be done. But the other part of me wants to let the 90 days pass so she can have her space and maybe change her mind. i know she probably wont. but I really dont want her gone


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Barnot, I know how you feel. You've invested so much in making your connection to her real and lasting. She is throwing it away. I hate to say it but if she did all of this so quickly then she has been planning it for a while. It could mean that she is seeing someone else. Or it could mean that she is planning to as a result of her attraction. Either way, you can't MAKE her stay or change her mind. All you can do is accept that for now, this is what she has chosen. If she decides to choose differently in the future then you need to decide at that point if you want it. But don't plan for that outcome. Plan for taking care of yourself. Find the new you in all of this. It will get better, but it will also likely get worse first. 

The best thing for you to do at this point is be confident and strong around her. Let her come to you. Regardless of what she has said she needs to see you process all of this. She wants to see you in pain to get a ego boost to know she has value. If you don't have that reaction she will see you has having the real power in the relationship. Be indifferent to her, that is the only true way to get over all of this. Plus it might actually get you somewhere better, with or without her.

GearHead


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

To be honest, She has no idea how I am feeling. I haven't been able to see or talk to her since I left last thursday. I have tried to be strong because I want her to see me that way. but she is refusing everything. I cant get my things, I can't talk to her, I cant see her. Would it be better if I just tried to start seeing other people, get the 90 day waiting period waived, sign the divorce papers, and try to move on? even though that is the last thing I want right now?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

barnot said:


> Would it be better if I just tried to start seeing other people, get the 90 day waiting period waived, sign the divorce papers, and try to move on? even though that is the last thing I want right now?


Well, I think you should work on detaching emotionally from her. As far as seeing other people, any relationship you entered right now would most likely be doomed as it would be a rebound relationship. There will be plenty of time for that later. Just take time for yourself to heal. Get new hobbies, workout, whatever. The dating others will come later on.

90 days don't make much difference at all. It doesn't really matter either way. I'd lean toward just using that 90 days to start the healing process. I don't know what it would take to get it waived. Unless it is very simple and free, I don't think it would be worth the trouble. 90 days just isn't that much time to wait on the paperwork to be final. You can start healing right now. You don't have to have a piece of paper to do that.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Right when I start thinking I dont need her anymore, I break down and I am back at the beginning. Last night I slept over at a friends watching movies and videos games and such. i felt pretty good but I still missed her. and this morning I miss her even more. If I just keep doing things for me, will the missing her just go away?


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

I am also struggling with letting go...it is not easy! We all have good days and bad days, strong days and weak days! All I can advise and believe me I know how hard it is to do...is to not have any contact with her at all. Is there kids involved? If not, take these 90 days and focus on you!!! Get out with friends, go to the gym, do something that will distract you and make you feel good about yourself! Give her the opportunity to see what life is like without you in it...texting or calling will only push her into thinking that she has made the right decision. If she calls or texts you, be evasive, polite yes, but have that sense of mystery so she begins to wonder what you are doing and not the other way around. Whenever you talk to her, as hard as it will be, keep it upbeat and at least pretend to be happy. It does get easier with time, or at least thats what I'm hearing from everyone!


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

2 hours ago I was bawling. but I got on here and am starting to feel better again. There are no kids, just us. I think I will start looking for a new car for myself. Maybe get a gym pass. talking with you guys always makes me feel like I can do this again. that I will be able to move on. I am going to get off of the floor(currently my bed) and get out and go do something! Thanks guys!!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

MEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
tough, tough day. start looking at houses this coming weekend.
took the co-parenting class this week, made copies of the "Mutual Parenting Plan and Agreement" I drew up had notarized and on file with attorneys. 
For as much as I have tried to put my two feet under me its like trying to walk on ice. slip SLIPPEDY slip plop.

I get so dramatic thinking of the judge signing the divorce papers, I dont have to show up for the court date, but I will, because i am part of it, and I want to appear for it. 
So Off I go on tuesday to downtown Houston early in the morning and watch it all end... or will it just begin?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

This post really helped me. It spans a period of years where a man went thru the exact same thing I am about to.
It is very insightful and really good.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/16644-my-new-life-single-father.html


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> So Off I go on tuesday to downtown Houston early in the morning and watch it all end... or will it just begin?


BOTH! An end to the marriage, but the beginning of a new life.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

I have a very dear friend that has helped me through my darkest days...she has given me some very good advice and finally I am beginning to take it. I had a lot of the same questions you did...if I started dating would it make it easier? Should I just give up? Will it ever get easier? She told me to take it one day at a time...just focus on getting through today, don't think about the future or dating or if you will ever get back together. Close this chapter of your life and start the next. You're not closing the door to your ex or a possible reconciliation, you are simply closing this chapter and starting the next by taking it one day at a time. Just get through today! Get out and do something fun with a friend!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> BOTH! An end to the marriage, but the beginning of a new life.


For both of us HTN, 
Wishin you the best.


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