# phobia nightmare!



## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for about 7 years and married for about a year and a half. She and I have a beautiful step daughter who just recently left our home after turning 18. During the course of our relationship (before and after our marriage) my wife has been asking me to have children with her. I have been dealing with a personal phobia related to doctors since I was about 16 years old. At that time I was told during an exam that I have a heart murmur. I had already held a deep fear of doctors prior to this and when the doctor got this confused look on his face it really scared me. I had a chest x-ray done and at that time they said there was nothing to worry about. A few years later I was working hard at installing a pole where I had to dig a 3 foot hole for the pole. I experienced a fluttering and racing irregular heartbeat and I felt like fluid was somehow gathering in my throat. This feeling lasted a good minute or two and then my heart seemed to go back to normal. I was terrified about what was wrong with my heart so I had it in my mind that whatever is wrong will result in my demise. I did some research and was convinced that I have a serious issue with a valve in my heart that I felt I would never have the courage to address. Throughout the years I have experienced the same issue and each time I felt as though my life would be ending soon.

I met my soon to be wife about 7 years ago. She had just been through a divorce and she was looking to start a new relationship. We hit it off and she and her daughter moved into my home a few months later. Things were going well and we became very close to one another. The subject of her wanting children would come up frequently. I was of the mindset that I will be leaving her high and dry and not going to be around to see them grow up so I offered excuses or avoided the subject whenever possible. I said wait until we get married, wait until you get good insurance, wait until summer is over so that you can ride roller coasters, wait, wait, wait. I would avoid the subject at all costs because I knew I would have to face up to my medical phobia that I have once we decided to start a family. On Christmas eve 2010 I proposed to my wife. A few months later she and I were in Walmart and she asked me when was the last I had physical, she said I want to make sure my honey is healthy. This sent a feeling of shock and fear through me and I quickly changed the subject. During our honeymoon the subject came up again. I was 40 at the time and she said that we need to get you a 40 physical mister. Again I quickly changed the subject.

Shortly after we were married the subject of children came up again. My insurance that I had at the time was very expensive and not very good at all. My wife did not have insurance and I offered up another excuse and I told her to wait until you get insurance before we have a child. In the fall of 2011 she was offered a permanent position and was offered insurance. She offered to put me on her insurance but I avoided this because of my phobia. This past summer was when she had had enough of my excuses. She said that if you want to have children you need to come to me because I am done asking but don’t be surprised if you no longer have the opportunity to do so. This should have opened my eyes but it did not. It was at this point where I asked her to wait until summer is out so that you can ride roller coasters during the summer. September rolled around and my wife renewed her prescription for birth control. I was under the impression that we would start trying in September and that she would not renew her prescription. She did and I never questioned her as to why?

The week of Thanksgiving our daughter moved out of our home. That Friday I noticed a plant of my wife’s that was missing. I asked her where it was and she said that she moved it. I asked where and she said she moved it out and that she was moving out. She had already gotten an apartment on her own and that is where the plant went. She said that she doesn’t love me as much as I love her and that she needs some time away from me to sort things out. She also told me that she gave up on us ever having children and that she had cheated on me a few months ago. I was devastated to hear the news and I begged and pleaded for her to stay. I never dreamed she would have cheated on me and although I was shocked and heartbroken I told her that I forgive her for doing that. A week or so after she told me what she was going to do, I confessed to her my medical phobia that I have been dealing with all my life. I told her about what happened to me and my fears and she wanted to know why I never told her. I tried to explain my fear to her but I don’t think that she understood how I really felt about it. I never told anyone about what I was experiencing with my heart.

She insisted that we make an appointment to have it checked out. I have been to several appointments thus far and my wife has been there with me at them. I was shaking when I went into the doctor’s office because I was convinced that he is going to tell me I have a serious problem that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. I was thinking open heart surgery with the possibility of dying there and then. He listened to my heart but he did not hear a murmur. I had to wear a halter monitor for 24 hours and he ordered blood work to be done. My blood work came back great with no issues at all. Everything was normal. The halter monitor revealed that I have heart block when I am sleeping and it also identified the arrhythmia’s I have been experiencing from time to time. I have now been referred to a cardiologist to have an echocardiogram done and further analysis.

I explained to my wife that this medical phobia is the whole reason behind me not wanting to start a family. Deep down inside I have always wanted children but my fear of dying while the kids are young has prevented that from happening. My wife now feels that she wants to be alone and doesn’t want a relationship with anyone right now. I have told her that I do want to have children with her now that I have faced my fears and she now says that she doesn’t want children now. She wanted children while my step daughter was still in the house and since she has moved out she has no interest at all now. She had her daughter in her early teens and now she has a freedom that she has never been able to experience. She can do whatever she wants, she doesn’t have to clean up after anyone except herself, she has the freedom to live now, without me smothering her and being with her all the time, she can go to bars, go out with friends and not have to worry about getting home because I am sitting there waiting for her to come back. I did everything around her, she was always my first priority and I always wanted to be next to her.

She says that she has given up on the subject of us and just wants to be alone right now. She says there is no one else and that she has not cheated on me since but I have received anonymous text messages from someone telling me she is cheating with someone at work during lunch and after work. I have asked about the texts and she flat out denies any recent infidelity. I don't really know what to believe at this point. If she is cheating would she really tell me?, I want to believe her so bad, part of me believes her and part me has doubts she is telling me the truth.

The last night with her at home was Dec 6. We have been to a few counseling sessions and we communicate with each other almost every day. She says that she still has feelings for me but those feelings are nowhere near what they used to be and she also said that she never really loved me. I feel terrible about what I have done and I really don’t know how to deal with the situation. I have created a marital disaster for both of us. I love this woman with all of my heart and soul and I want to reconcile our marriage and be the loving husband and future father that she wanted me to be. I will be 42 soon and she is 34 so I don’t think it is too late for either one of us. I am heart broken and feel responsible for everything that is happening to our relationship. I am so confused about what to do right now, how to act, etc. I can't sleep and I feel like hope is fading every day. I am open to any advice that anyone can offer on here be it favorable or unfavorable.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Bump


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Not having children with her was no excuse for her infidelity. Her telling you that she never loved you was cruel. Was she "settling" for you while she got on her feet? For 7 years? That's not nice. 

I also held back in my marriage for reasons similar to yours. Look after yourself, she may see you doing better and want to be a part of your life again and if she doesn't, you'll be in a better place to move on. Maybe you're better off without her regardless.

The heart wants what the heart wants but you need to focus on yourself now. She knows your stance. There's only so much you can do. Give it time, anything can happen. Check out the 180.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

180 Bro. Sorry you are here.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Confused, I would like to think that she was not "settling" for me. I treated my wife with respect and as a queen. Everything I did was about her. I thought that she was happy and content. The children thing is the main reason she said that she was not happy and now that our daughter is out of our home she has a level of freedom that she has never had before. I don't know why she cheated on me and I don't know if she still is? Yes it bothers me that she would do this to me, it really hurts like hell. As for 180 we communicate and see each other almost everyday. Should I stop communication? I can't bring myself to even being mad at her when I feel that my medical fear is the cause of our issues. I had the echocardiogram today and the technician there said that she see's no causes for concern in that my valves in my heart are functioning correctly. This was a load off of my shoulders and I had to share the news with my wife afterwards. She said that she was happy to hear the news and that she was proud of me that I went by myself. I am so confused about what is going on and it continues to tear me apart. This is my first marriage and I have no family to turn to for advice. Under the circumstances should I really do the 180? I really want us to reconcile our marriage but some of the things I see in the 180 seem as though they may push us further apart. Thanks for all of the advice everyone has given on here, I really appreciate it.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I am doing my version of the 180 for myself. I think the object of the 180 is to give you a chance to gather yourself and act with dignity and grace. A break-up can illicit a lot of needy/ impulsive feelings and these will only push your wife away. You need to turn the focus onto protecting and bettering yourself.

By all means, talk to her when it's necessary. Be gracious, respect yourself. Know your boundaries - don't be a doormat. Give her the space she wants, freely. Be amicable. Be healthy, occupy yourself with activities, keep it together, grow. You are making lots of excuses for her and putting the blame squarely on yourself. It could be true but it probably isn't.

When you feel needy, come here to talk and vent. 

Your wife may have loved you very much and may still love you. In some ways it still doesn't matter. She wants space. 

I'm still in the early stages of grief, other people here are in a more objective place. I hope someone else can offer you their perspective. Your initial post was very long, I think that's why you didn't get many responses my friend. However, you are not alone.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

You know, in a sense I have been a doormat. I have not confronted her in any way. Communication between us is still there but what I don't understand is why she continues to communicate and see me if she wants her space so bad. As bad as she has broken my heart by leaving our home, the infidelity, the comments that she doesn't love me as much as I love her, and the mental pain and grief I have experienced you would think that I would despise her at this point, but I don't! I still love this woman and I honestly don't know why, what is wrong with me!? I am going to see a mc tonight on my own without her. I am hoping that he can help me deal with this. I really have had just about all I can take and while I seriously don't want to run to the divorce attorney, I am starting to think I need to. I am not sure how much more I can take until I do.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

How did the MC go?

My thoughts: She keeps seeing you because she is still attached to you and you are her safety net. 

See, if you limit your contact with her, she would have the opportunity to actually miss you. She'd have time to think about how she really felt about you and how much you meant to her. She can't grieve or sense any real loss if she's still getting her fill of you everyday.

Busy yourself a little more so that you aren't always available - don't wait around for her, join some groups/ start doing some activities. Be constructive and be positive. Do these things for yourself but your wife is bound to take notice.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Confused, The MC pretty much told me that by hiding my medical issue I deceived my wife making her think that she is the reason for my reluctance to have children. He said that she has really been hurt by the fact that I did not confide in her and trust her with my life and well being in general. He said that I denied her the joy of parenthood with me and I betrayed her by doing so. He said my behavior was selfish and was all about me and not about "we" as a couple. He also told me that I need to communicate with my wife and just listen to what she has to say, express interest in her conversation and don't talk about the past or the current state of our relationship. He was blunt and to the point about my actions. He suggested that I back off on talking anything about "us" unless she wants to bring up the subject. He pretty much made me feel responsible for her moving out and that I have myself to blame for what happened.

He opened my eyes to quite a few things about me. My wife and I both go to a gym about 4 times per week and she always ask me if I want to go. We have some classes together at the gym and I just don't feel the same about going now. I don't know if I should still go or I should avoid it at this point? I have difficulty hiding my feelings. I am an emotional guy and I always expressed my love for my wife openly. Although we were together at Christmas and New Years, I felt like a third wheel. I was definitely not the life of the party either day. 

It tears me apart knowing that I can't do that now. My MC told me I need to take a step back and give her space. He said that should have been part of our relationship. Smothering her was a way of dealing with my own insecurities. Although I provided a home and everything else to her, I did not provide the feeling of love and security that she needs. Again he said that it was all about me and not about "us". I am trying to stay strong and keep an upbeat confident and positive attitude about this but it is very difficult for me.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Bump.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm no expert but you probably went in there and spoke very negatively about yourself. The MC could only use the information that you provided. Do you really blame yourself 100%?

Let's say it was mainly your fault: know better, do better. Still though, she was unfaithful!! Was that your fault for not giving her children...? 

Be respectful towards her but step back and step UP. Be the man you have always wanted to be. Make changes for the better. It's a painful road...there are no guarantees. Just keep it together, one step at a time.

Regret and loss are difficult things to deal with. It's important to learn from any mistakes that you made but you're just human so give yourself a break.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am going to try the 180 and see what happens. Even if it does work out and she wants to come back I don't know if I will ever be able to trust her again with my heart. If we do reconcile and she does this type of thing again I am really going to have a problem. When she told me that she can't be trusted and that she cheated on me I told her that I forgive her. I also asked if she could promise me that she would not do it again and she said that she couldn't make that promise. I guess I am impatient but I really am sick and tired of dealing with the head games she is playing. 

I did not want to have children out of wedlock and I really think that she should have respected and understood that. We were married for 1 year when she decided that she was tired of asking and that was when she gave up on us. I am at a point right now where I don't know if I would be better off filing and move on or try to make things work. I have lost my trust in her. I sit and wonder what she is doing, who she is doing, and I am only 35 days into this crap.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Im so sorry that you are going thru this. I know the pain all to well.Look bk at what you just said- you asked her to promise not to cheat again..and she COULDNT?! That alone speaks volumes! 180 180 180! You will feel much better...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I met with my cardiologist and got the news about my heart. My heart is normal and I have no underlying heart disease. I do have the arrythmias but they are not life threatening. Afterwards, I met with my wife and took a huge step for myself. I kind of lost it with my wife but I just couldn't take the pain and mind games anymore. We had a conversation about the situation and I spilled my guts and let her know how I feel. I told her that I need time away from her and that I don't want any interaction with her unless she feels that she wants to try to reconnect. I told her I will not be going to the gym with her anymore and that I met with an attorney today to discuss divorce. 

I told her I am not going to be her backup plan while she lives a life of carefree living doing whoever she wants. I also told her that I can not trust her and I have fallen out of love with her. I am still open to reconciling our marriage but I am done being the clingy wimpy man that I am. I said that she should only contact me if she is interested in us, otherwise I am moving on.

She was upset when she left last night and she was crying but I stood my ground and did not shed a tear. I didn't ask for this and as far as I am concerned I was forced into it. I despise being alone, she claims that she wants to be alone and doesn't want any relationship in her life right now. The more I thought about the situation the more I came to realize that even if we were to reconcile the fact that she cheated on me is something that I will / would harbor the rest of my life. 

I have asked myself the following questions:

How could I ever trust her again to be faithful to our marriage?

What if we do get back together, start a family and then she does the same thing again? 

Why should I continue to fight for our marriage when she doesn't appear to have any interest in reconciliation?

Why continue on with the pain and grief that she has put me through?

After some thought, I think the best course of action is to just be nc for a while. If she contacts me then I know there is a possibility of hope. I need to move on and start a new life without her. It was really hard to let go of us last night but I am hoping that it will help me heal and maybe just maybe she will miss us and want to try to work things out. 

Do you all think I made the right decision, or did I go off the deep end and totally screw things up?


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

2nd day of NC and I am hurting pretty bad today. All my thoughts are on her. I am so tired of this pain and mental anguish she is causing me! I don't know how I will ever trust another woman with my heart. I sincerely never thought I would have this happen to me. I went from the happiest man in the world to rock bottom.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I think your doing the right thing. It hurts terribly but you'll get through it, we all will. 

Has she tried to contact you? Did she back-pedal or did she just let you say your piece and cry?


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I said my piece and told her how I felt about the situation. She said she is sorry and I told her that she was not sorry. She also would not admit to cheating on me now but I have reason to believe that she is. I never had a reason not to trust her but now I do. It is so difficult for me to be this way with her. I am so angry that she would do what she has done. But the fact is that I am lucky to find out now before we started a family together. I am trying to stand my ground but it is a struggle right now.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Hmm...Sorry  

She sounds sorry for the pain she caused but not for what she did. 

Let her go...good riddance for now. People can change, maybe you guys will reconcile but she's obviously happy doing her own thing for now and you have made your stance clear and open.

I wish it was easier. There are no shortcuts, trust me, I searched high and low! You could always distract yourself with a rebound relationship or whatever else but these things are likely to hold you back from healing (avoid IMO). 

Allow yourself to mourn, but stay healthy! 

This is your second chance, you get to reinvent yourself. You are injured and it will take time to heal but you can choose to shape the "healthier you". You can guide yourself to make wholesome choices that will open up your world and lay the foundations for a happier life.

All the little positive changes count and they will add up.

Are there any support groups in your area that you can join? Is there something that you always dreamed of doing or a place you wanted to travel to? What's on your bucket list? What are you waiting for? What's holding you back? These are the questions I am asking myself, maybe they will help you too.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> I am so angry that she would do what she has done. But the fact is that I am lucky to find out now before we started a family together.


You are lucky


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

I agree that you are doing the right thing. NC really will be for the best. If she was truly remorseful you would think she would want R. It seems like its all about her now and your thoughts and feelings dnt matter-the ultimate form of selfishness. Did she even sympathize with you regarding your phobia? I have a HUGE fear of any dr so I can relate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Confused, Thanks for the advice. After I told her that I think we need some time apart with no contact she even said that she felt that it would allow us to miss each other and that she was not sure if being in contact would do more harm than good. I don't know if that is what she wants to happen or not. I just reached the point where I need to stop thinking about who she is doing and just let her go no matter how hard that has been for me.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Mama2five, I guess you could say that she sympathized with me to a certain degree but she said that she doesn't understand my feelings about it. I have faced my fears about it in an effort to make things better between us. She was there for me for it all. I do think that it is all about her now, she has a new freedom that she has not been able to experience in her life.

My biggest problem right now is putting her out of my mind and moving on. We both know that's not real easy right now. I need to get out of this funk where I don't feel motivated to do anything other than try to sleep the evenings after work away. It seems as though that it is my only escape right now. I haven't gotten a good nights rest since this started, and letting go for me is like watching someone being lowered into a grave.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Mama2five, I guess you could say that she sympathized with me to a certain degree but she said that she doesn't understand my feelings about it. QUOTE]
> 
> We understand, why can't she?
> 
> I left you message.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

To my cynical mind, I'm glad you did this. She cheated, end of story. You were a little selfish, end of story. Those two don't cancel out. You've now come clean, she still cheated. Let her go, nothing to see here.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

caladan said:


> To my cynical mind, I'm glad you did this. She cheated, end of story. You were a little selfish, end of story. Those two don't cancel out. You've now come clean, she still cheated. Let her go, nothing to see here.


I don't know if what I did was a good idea or not. I just got to the point where I want this mental anguish to stop. I did tell her to only contact me if she is interested in re-connecting. That may have been the nail in my coffin, I don't know? I am second guessing my actions. I want so badly to reach out to her just to see how she is doing etc. Yesterday I did leave her a message telling her my mc was cancelled for today but hers was still on if she wants to go. I simply said thanks at the end of the message and said bye and hung up.

I really don't want to be alone, I truly hate not having anyone to share my day with. Not seeing her come home from work each day is tearing me apart, eating, sleeping, everything, all alone. This whole thing has been so difficult for me to deal with. I know she cheated and I have reason to believe that she is cheating on me now. I know that my trust in her has been shattered beyond repair but I still want to be with her. It's like a drug addiction or something! 

I don't condone what she is doing by any means. I know she now has a freedom that she has never had before. She has lost a lot of weight and has a new carefree life. She is going out every weekend, has no one that she is committed to, and she doesn't seem to care whether or not her actions hurt me. It's all about her now. If and when she does reach out to me again I don't know if I will be open to it or not.

I hate to think about starting over. I want a family with a wife that I can love with all my heart and soul and to have a level of trust with her where I don't feel I need to be worried about her whereabouts etc. If we do reconcile I do not know if I will ever be able to trust her again. It's like a two edged sword, I think I will get cut either way I go.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I wanted so bad to send her an email today telling her that I didn't want her to not contact me again. I almost gave in but I didn't. It's only day 3 of NC and it's killing me!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Im on day 5 of NC..and im literally fighting myself inside NOT to send an email..its VERY hard..but its 4 the best! As Stella told me whats the point? Havent you already said what you needed? Arent you repeating yourself by now! HBP-your doing the best thing for YOU stay NC it will feel good eventually!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Day 4 for NC for me, things are getting a little better, not much better but a little!


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well today she came and got her motorcycle and most of her clothes out of our closet. I tried to remain strong while this was going on but deep inside it was tearing me apart. We talked a little bit and she still feels the same about us with no change in that aspect. She mentioned a new guy friend in her life today, I don't know what to make of that but she did.

I don't know if I am being "played" or what is going on. I am so tired of the head games and the waiting game. Is she just going through a point in her life and she will eventually tire of the lifestyle or is this just an excuse to leave me and start with someone new. Part of me says to move on, file D, and get on with my life. The other side of me wants to wait and see if she does want to reconnect. 

I guess I am starting over with the NC and today is day 44 since she moved out. I need to get off of this roller coaster ride! The bars are locked and I am at the top of the lift ready to drop again! I am so angry and hurt and not sure what to do!

What are your thoughts?


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Any thoughts on my scenario? Should I continue to ride this out for a while or bite the bullet and file D?


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Hbp- only you know if you should file for D. It doesnt seem as if your STBXW wants any type of R. Its going to hurt but I think you need to go full NC and heal yourself. Follow the 180 and make a new and better YOU! whats meant to be will be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I agree with Mama, only you can determine what would be the best course of action for yourself.

Good job with the 4/5 day NC. It' been over 2 months since my split and my ex and I have contacted each other every single day it seems. It's not getting me anywhere, just so you know


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Confused- thats how it was when my H first lft. We were in contact daily and it hurt more than it did any good. HBP-go dark its the best thing to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, keep with your no contact.

Her telling you about her male friend is basically her coming out and telling you that she is in an affair. It's pretty safe to assume that this is the guy you were getting txt msgs about and that she's been cheating with for some time now.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, keep with your no contact.
> 
> Her telling you about her male friend is basically her coming out and telling you that she is in an affair. It's pretty safe to assume that this is the guy you were getting txt msgs about and that she's been cheating with for some time now.


I was thinking that too, but I just didn't want to accept that. I can't understand how someone that you love so much can do this type of thing to someone! Thank God there are people on here for support. I am going to try full NC again. I think though that I am going to file for D tomorrow. At the end of 90 days it will be final and either one of two things will happen, she will wake up and see what she is losing and reconcile or I can get on with my life with someone who will love me faithfully!


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well, I did it it! I went to the attorney today and I started the D process. I am tired of the mental anguish I have been going through and under the circumstances I believe that I am making the right decision. Right now I am more angry with my spouse and I don't want to play this game anymore. She made her decision to move out and leave me behind.

God only knows who she is doing now but I am getting to the point where I don't care! This will be her 2nd D and my first. I am still sticking with the 180 but it is going to be limited to 90 days from now. It is about to get "real" for her, she will either want to R eventually or she will sign the documents at the end of 90 days and it will be over. I am not going to be plan B past the 90 days. I just hope that I have the strength and dignity to let her go for good and realize that she can't be trusted and refuse her attempts to get back together if in fact she does?

I think this is going to scar me for a very long time. I don't know if I will ever trust another woman with my heart. I sincerely thought that she would be true to me and I never had any reason not to trust her. Now I do and I feel as though my ability to "know" just doesn't work. This continues to tear me up, I haven't been to the gym in weeks and I was going 4 times a week. I just don't have any motivation to do anything. I just want to wake up from this nightmare!


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Way to go with starting the D! It's going to help put things into perspective. 



heartbrokephobia said:


> I think this is going to scar me for a very long time. I don't know if I will ever trust another woman with my heart. I sincerely thought that she would be true to me and I never had any reason not to trust her. Now I do and I feel as though my ability to "know" just doesn't work. This continues to tear me up, I haven't been to the gym in weeks and I was going 4 times a week. I just don't have any motivation to do anything. I just want to wake up from this nightmare!



She decided to cheat, it wasn't your fault. It would be rather sad if you let her actions hold you back from finding love again. 

You might find this link useful:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well, I did go to the gym to try to work some stress off. I don't have the energy and stamina that I once had to do my normal workout. I did maybe half of what I normally do but it is a start!


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

confused777 said:


> Way to go with starting the D! It's going to help put things into perspective.
> 
> She decided to cheat, it wasn't your fault. It would be rather sad if you let her actions hold you back from finding love again.
> 
> ...


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

So proud of you HBP! You can do this. I admire your courage and strength I know I posess it to I just have to dig deep! Your STBXW is going to get a slap of reality! What she chooses to do will make it or break it! Keep posting and doing the gym! Goodluck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Buy and read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. Look it up on Amazon. It's not. "sex book", per se. 

Lots of good info about male/female relationships and also upping your confidence and value in the dating market. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> Buy and read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. Look it up on Amazon. It's not. "sex book", per se.
> 
> Lots of good info about male/female relationships and also upping your confidence and value in the dating market.
> 
> ...


I will check it out, thanks old timer!


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well tomorrow is the big day! When she gets served! I wonder if she will go dark and sign or want to talk things over? Maybe she will share it with her new "friend" so he knows that I have let go and he can have her? It's going to be an interesting week!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

My guess is she won't be all that surprised and if the papers are factual and your requests reasonable, you'll be divorced inside of 90 days. 

Best thing that could happen to you at this point.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well, here I am. It's been almost 60 days since this all started. I am worried about the outcome of today's mail delivery. I think I have made the right decision but again I am second guessing my actions. I honestly did not want it to come to this but it has and I have mixed feelings about what will happen today between her and I. I know deep down inside I need to "let go" but I am having a extremely difficult time doing so. Whats done is done now, She will get served today and it may be the beginning of the end?

I really want to heal and I have been trying to heal by doing the 180 but so far I still feel miserable. I guess I am impatient about this whole thing. I have never been through something like this before. It continues to rip me apart. I need the strength to do the 180 but right now my emotions are still in charge.

Once she gets served today, things are either going to take a turn for the better or a turn for the worse for us. Honestly I am tired of dealing with this nightmare that she has created for me. It is really going to be difficult for me if she doesn't reach out to me in the next few weeks. I am not looking forward to starting all over with a new relationship and I don't know how I will ever be able to trust a woman again at that level.

I am getting older and I want children in my life but my clock is ticking and I think my options are going to be limited. I know its not a good idea to jump right back into a relationship after a divorce but I really feel my time is limited to find another love. I also don't know if I want the possibility of this whole nightmare happening again. I know that it could but I intend to be certain that she is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Buy and read "Married Man's Sex Primer" by Athol Kay. Find it on Amazon.com. 
Begin to run the MAP immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> Buy and read "Married Man's Sex Primer" by Athol Kay. Find it on Amazon.com.
> Begin to run the MAP immediately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks again for the advice on the book. I did purchase it and I an reading it.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Today my STBXW got her divorce papers. I haven't heard anything from her yet. I don't know if I will in the near future only time will tell. I think that she wanted this to happen so she can bang anyone she wants to now. I have now let her go and I am preparing to move on with my life.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

You filed for divorce. Why should you care to hear from her?

You spelled everything out in the D papers, right?

Stay NC w her and only talk to her thru attorneys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> You filed for divorce. Why should you care to hear from her?
> 
> You spelled everything out in the D papers, right?
> 
> ...


Yes I did, but I am still hopefull for R that is why I care to hear from her! This has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and it is worse than my parents passing away. I will be 42 this year and I really hate to think about starting all over in a new relationship. I don't want to ever feel like this again! I fall under the Beta category in the book, yes I need to be more Alpha. 

Anyway I look at this, it is a nightmare for me. I just wish to hell I could wake up and that is all that it was! The divorce is a simple no fault and deep down inside I still want to save our marriage. Obviously I don't know what will happen in the future but moving on for me just isn't happening right now.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Im right there with you HBP...mama said thered be days like this..you will be fine. Your holding on to fear of the unknown just like i am. But we need to stand tall and get our self respect back!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

mama2five said:


> Im right there with you HBP...mama said thered be days like this..you will be fine. Your holding on to fear of the unknown just like i am. But we need to stand tall and get our self respect back!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. As you'll hear on TAM quite often:
"You've got to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it".


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

M2F and old timer, 

It sure doesn't seem to be getting any easier for me. I still feel miserable and unmotivated to do anything this weekend. I never made it to the gym or went out at all. I just don't have the drive too. When we were together this was when we ate out, visited friends and family etc. Now I am just alone and it really sucks! I hate it to be honest. I just can't stop thinking about her. I still worry about her and I don't want our marriage to end. 

I did read the book you recommended old timer and if and when I communicate with her I will have to clearly be more Alpha in nature. I am definetely a beta so balancing the two is something I need to work on. Maybe combined with the 180 things will change between us, only God knows. I am a man of Christian belief and I pray everyday that we can save our marriage but my faith has really been tested and each day I lose more and more hope.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Hbp- I am right there with you and the no drive. I have 4 lil ones to look after..and all I want to do is sleep. It sucks big time. I pray alot and I wonder what is Gods plan? Maybe we arent meant to be with our exs. There could be better doors out there-but we both have to let go in order to move 4ward..no matter how much it hurts. (((hugs))) and prayers your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I know that is the way things are supposed to be, I am just having a hard time seeing any glimmer of hope or light at the end of this tunnel. I know that is the way that he works his plans and right now I don't have any understanding as to why I can't let go. I think the worst part for me is starting over with someone new. I now see myself as damaged goods, something that now has to be sold at a bent and dent groccery store or something. I wasn't fond of dating and the like and I know I will have a hard time getting back into it. I keep asking for a miracle from God but it seems as though my prayers are falling on deaf ears. I know everything is in his time but I continue to lose hope for R everyday. 

"Moving on" is not near as easy as it sounds. Here it is another Sunday and I am sleeping alone again! I did go out today on the advice of another thread and I purchased new pillows, sheets, and blankets. Don't know if it will help or not but maybe I will be able to get a full nights rest, who knows? Oh well, these are the cards that we have been dealt. We can either play them to the best of our abilities or fold'em. I guess I have killed my chances of R by filing for D only time will tell. Thanks for the prayers and I will be praying for you too.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

I used to get so angry with God. Honestly thinking he was ignoring me. But he is NOT. he hears your prayers and they are not falling on deaf ears. He doesnt give you what you want-but instead what you need! This is the hardest thing ive had to endure! It surpasses child birth! Lol. It seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel,but there IS!! We are going to make it along with all the other TAMERS! Hopefully new pillows/blankets will do it 4 u. When my STBX left I got a whole new bed...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

My God-fearing grandmother always told me: 
"God helps those who help themselves".

Another thing (as depicted in a Garth Brooks song)...
"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". 

Think about that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Remember something...our stbx's refuse to respond to the Holy Spirit...we are made of free will...our exes the same. 

God may very well want our marriages to be reconciled but our exces aren't responding to 'Him'...His Holy Spirit...

God sees this...and gives us the strength to get through this...and he will bless us later...he will fill our hearts with the void we have...we may not see it now but I believe He will... 

I hate the thought of starting over...dating...I'm going to be 47 on Feb. 7th...this is def. no picnic for me...but what choice do I have? 

We believers...need to just keep trusting....I got mad at God too...and was reminded of the above...our spouses and the free will... ....I need to be better at praying myself...as a matter of fact... I used to be so filled... _and I miss that..._


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Stella: 
All we can do is control our own vessel. 
Beyond that, it's in His hands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

old timer said:


> Stella:
> All we can do is control our own vessel.
> Beyond that, it's in His hands.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was the point of my last post


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks for the words of enouragement. I really appreciate it. I need God in my life now more than ever. I know he is with us but this has really tested me. I guess I just have to accept the facts that I am going to have go through this nightmare like it or not. My STBXW doesn't seem to have any interest in R so it looks like I am bound for the D. Part of me thinks I should have waited while another part of me thinks I made the right decision. Hind site will be 20/20 but right now I still see no light at all at the end of this long dark tunnel.

I did however get to the gym today and I did my workout. Not where I was before my nightmare started weight wise, but I am getting there.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

God will get us all thru this. It is a nightmare and I wouldnt want to wish it on anyone. Its a good thing you made it to the gym-staying active really does make you feel better,with that being said I need to take my own advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I am in the process of focusing on my physical and metal health by working out at the gym, 180 etc, but I feel as though my spiritual health is currently on life support. I know that God works in his time and I know that he knows what is best for me. What I don't understand is why he allowed me to get into the situation that I am currently in? I know it's our own free will that got my wife and I here.

I am glad that I can come here and express my feelings to get some feedback from the people here on TAM. I am really thankful for that. I am really struggling right now with being alone. I absolutely hate being alone. My STBXW knows that and I think she feeds on that. I think I am co-dependant on her, I can't stop thinking about her and what she is doing.

I also admit that I am impatient right now and I just want the normalcy to return but I know that is not going to happen any time soon. This whole moving on thing for me isn't coming easy at all for me. I know I need to, but I keep holding on to the shred of hope that we can R our marriage. Right now though I do not think she has any interest in this. Every time I see her and talk I always ask her how she feels about us. The response is always the same. "I still feel the same, I don't want a relationship with anyone right now, I just want to be alone" 

I blame myself for these feelings that she has, I feel responsible for them because of my phobia issue that I had hid from her all this time. I feel guilty about it but I realize there is nothing I can do to change the past or erase the damage I have caused. I filed for the divorce and I have been second guessing my actions since doing so. My hope is that she see's that I am a man of integrity and I will not tolerate her cheating behavior while we are married. I want it to be clear to her that there are consequences for her behavior.

The commitment of marriage doesn't appear to hold much water with her right now though as I truly believe that she is living in a fantasy world of promiscuity, she doesn't care how much it hurts me to think and believe that she is doing this. Yet I do care about her, I can't let go, I don't understand why but I just can't! what the [email protected] is wrong with me! I invite your input as always.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

First and foremost STOP ASKING HER ABOUT "US"! That makes you desperate,she can see that you are hanging on so no matter what she does she has good ol HBP waiting in the wings. There is no Us anymore. Do you attend church? I dnt and I think maybe I need to. Dont be hard on yourself about not letting go fast enough. It will come. nobody ever said this will be easy but you will get thru it,you have to dig that faith out from within.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

I am codependant as well and my thoughts are flooded 24-7 by thoughts of STBXH and what he is doing. But you have to realize they arent thinking of us! We are still giving them control. Read the book Co dependant No More, see if it helps. Im praying for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I just keep hoping that it is going to get easier. Tonight I had a old school buddy come over to play pool for a while. The room also contained my wifes wedding dress. The whole time I was staring at the dress until finally I took it and put it in the closet and closed the door. Everywhere I go, everything I do, no matter how I try I can't get her out of my mind, there is always something there to remind me. At work, home, it doesn't matter, it is still there.

We have stopped the counseling and I asked her this weekend if she wanted to go again. Her comment to me was "Why, so we can pray about it?" That comment hurt me because I know that she has turned her back on God. It's like she lost the morals and respect that I fell in love with. She just seems to have changed so drastically that I realize that I don't know her as well as I thought I had. Thanks for the prayers M2F, I appreciate it. I am praying for you as well.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

A good thing for you to do would be box up/put away things that remind you of her. It will help ease your pain when you dont have an inanimate constant reminder. Also there is a website called Rejoice Marriage ministries. Check it out do some reading on it. Expecially the Charlyne Cares section-it just may be the jump in faith you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Today wasn't a good day. Our older large dog that she had from her first marriage was going to the bathroom in the house. I couldn't get her to go outside. She left me presents every other day on the floor both 1 and 2. Not in a pile either, the dog likes to walk when it goes. I spoke with STBXW about it over the weekend and she was supposed to come everyday and take her out so that she goes outside instead of the inside. Well, she came and took the dog to my step daughters house. I will miss her but I was at the end of my rope cleaning up large nuggets. 

I am left with two little dogs which are not much of an issue to take care of. They are literally all I have left now. My parents are both gone and I have no siblings so right now I feel so lonely. I am so tired of crying about what has happened to me, it just seems like the healing is never going to come. I honestly don't think there is much hope for us to get back together. There really is no reason now for her to see me at all. I hope I am wrong about it but I really don't think I am.

The potential for the 180 is there in full force now. I am trying to improve myself but my desired effect of it is to have her back. It has been one week since she was served. I am trying so hard to get over her but as much as try I have had very limited sucess. I know people on here believe in the 180 but I tend to think about it in a different way. Sort of like "out of sight, out of mind" I think that the lack of contact between us will cause her to slip further and further away and pursue other interests.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

You cant "make" her love you and "want" to be with you. As much as you want to be together ive heard so much here on TAM "You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it" I love my H with every ounce of my soul and wish/hope everyday we could work things out,but honestly HBP what would it do for us to have them bk? They have already shown they can walk out when they dont like situations. Implementing the 180 is to make you better. Not as a tactic to get your wife bk. If she wants to be with you,it needs to be on her own free will. Head up HBP,dont lose your faith.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

mama2five said:


> You cant "make" her love you and "want" to be with you. As much as you want to be together ive heard so much here on TAM "You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it" I love my H with every ounce of my soul and wish/hope everyday we could work things out,but honestly HBP what would it do for us to have them bk? They have already shown they can walk out when they dont like situations. Implementing the 180 is to make you better. Not as a tactic to get your wife bk. If she wants to be with you,it needs to be on her own free will. Head up HBP,dont lose your faith.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^^THIS !!!^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks M2F, My biggest issue right now is the loneliness that I am feeling. I am really down right now and I don't have any drive to do anything. Even with the new sheets I have yet to get a full nights rest. And when I do go to sleep, I dream about her every time. I feel like she is a drug that I am so desperately addicted to. I still don't understand how she can just fall out of love with me and act as though what we had together is of no value to her.

There is a Christian song that I heard that really made me think. It is by Chris August and it is called Restore. It came on the radio while I was on my way to work while driving and crying. It offered me some hope. I need to go to church too, I think it will help. I was offered by my neighbors to go last weekend. I was going to go but my wife had came and took some more of her things that Saturday and when Sunday rolled around my neighbor called me and I just told him that I didn't feel up to it.

I don't know if I am depressed or what is going on with me but I have no drive to do anything. I wanted to go to the gym last night but I never made it. I was so happy when we were together and now I am just plain miserable! It really is the most emotional thing I have ever been through. I second guess my decision on filing for divorce every day.

If I was in the right frame of mind and stronger, I would resolve in my mind that even if we did reconcile she can't be trusted. It's like M2F said, "They have already shown they can walk out when they don't like situations." I guess I need to grow a pair so to speak. I have in a sense by filing but I have yet to see if it did more harm than good.

Last night very few words were said when she came to pick up the dog. More or less, here is the dogs stuff, and I am sorry but I didn't know what else to do, and then bye. It really felt like it is going to be the last time I see her for a while. I just need to wait until she contacts me I guess but I know I will eventually break down and contact her for some reason or another.

Thanks for listening to my boo hoo'ing and whining. Atleast I wrote it here and didn't send it to my STBXW.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Many times I do not really "feel" like going to work out. 
But I will myself through it and force myself. 
Same w other things, too. 
It's always worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I hear you loud and clear old timer. It's just so difficult for me right now to do that. Even when I do go, I honestly feel so weak compared to what I used to be able to do. I don't know if its because I have been away from it for a while or what the deal is. I think it may just be the gym I am using because that is where her and I worked out. Maybe I should look into a rack and bench and free weights for my home?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I'd find another gym. You need to get out of the freakin house
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> I'd find another gym. You need to get out of the freakin house
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point! I agree with you there but I already have a paid membership with my existing gym and it is cheap compared to others in my area. The problem though at least for me is the equipment there. I worked out on the same equipment so that doesn't do me any good. I know it may be unhealthy at this point but I am beginning to realize just how cold and heartless my wife is right now. I mean, how could she do this to me?

The more I think about it, the more I can attribute everything I have been through in the last two months to her! My loneliness, my broken heart, everything! It is all because of her! The fact that she cheated and or is cheating on me really pisses me off! I can't forgive her for this ****! I don't know why I keep telling myself that I can! Who am I kidding!? 

My goal right now is to do the 180 and stick to it with no compromises. I resolve that I will not give into the temptation to email, text, or whatever with her. The damage she has done to me is beyond repair! I feel sorry for the next sucker that comes into her life. She will never be able to be trusted and I know it sounds mean and cruel but I hope that whoever she is with right now dumps her like a hot potato just like she did our marriage!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Now your getting angry,to a point that can be good. It helps to look at things from a diff angle. Your holding on to the good from your marriage-you need to look at the R E A L I T Y... I hate being alone to,granted I have my kids but lil ones are not much company..lol. I know exactly what your going thru,I lost my job so I sit in my house day in and day out I dont talk to anyone except my dad and grandma. Im on an antidepressant but i dnt think it takes away all sadness,however it does lift a big weight! Hang in there HBP and fight the temptation!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

M2F, I am sorry to hear that you lost your job. That has to make things even more challenging for you. I have gone through stages of anger and sadness. Mostly though it has been all sadness. I am depressed right now, I don't know how else to describe it. I remember that when I was single in the past I was so tired of being lonely. I struggled with it until she came into my life. I thought for sure after we got married that I would never be alone again. 

Obviously that didn't happen and here I am again. She really has killed my spirit and my livlihood. It's unreal how much I want her to come back. That feeling though is overshadowing her true colors which I can clearly see now. I am trying to stay strong but it just isn't happening for me, the healing seems like it is never going to come.

I intend to fight the temptation to contact her for any reason. I just keep thinking where did I go wrong? I mean I did everything for my wife, I showed her affection all the time, I never forgot any birthdays, valentines day (which is really gonna suck this year) or any special occassion. I gave her a home, paid for everything, and never asked her for anything except her love. We made love 3 or 4 times a week and unless she was really good at faking it there was no issue there either. For the life of me I just can't understand why she chose to cheat on me. I just don't get it?


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

You will never know why she is choosing to do what she is. Even if you ever get any answers it prob wont be the complete truth. Are you on a med for depression? If not look into it,you may be suprised at the relief. Any woman would be lucky to have a man like you who is so committed or dedicated. I am that way towards my STBXH but it never mattered. Some ppl just dont appreciate anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

M2F, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I did take old timers advice and read the book he recommended. I attribute part of my problem to being to much "beta". I never even argued with my wife about anything because I didn't want her to have any reason to be unhappy with me. I need stronger "alpha" characteristics, there is no doubt about it.

I need to be assertive and stand up and lead in my next relationship. I need to be more confident in my appearance and my personality and demeanor. I need to work on me now and become stronger for me only and not for her. I want to become stable enough to refuse any attempt for her to reconcile and not be her backup plan. I do not hate her but I have fallen out of love with her and under the circumstances it probably is a good thing.

I am now 99% certain that she is leading a promiscuous life style. It's possible that the divorce being served has fueled this behavior but I have reason to believe that it was happening before that. It's all about her now and the decisions that she makes now are no longer my concern. I am done being mister nice guy, no more doormat status, and no more backup plan.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

You cant let her promiscuous ways get you down. Just keep focusing on you and do what you need to stay in the right frame of mind. Everything will work out HBP-your making progress even if you dnt see it. Im still praying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I am trying not to. But if we ever reconcile our marriage then what? I will have that thought in my mind about her and it is something that I don't know if I can ever overcome. So far the weekends and the evenings have been the worst for me. They have been filled with anger and lonliness. Thank you for your prayers, I am praying for you too.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> *"But if we ever reconcile our marriage then what?" *


I'm not one to generally advise against reconciliation, but for the life of me, I cannot understand WHY you would want to.

I know, I know...you LOVE HER.

Love just ain't always enough, my friend.

Good luck.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> I'm not one to generally advise against reconciliation, but for the life of me, I cannot understand WHY you would want to.
> 
> I know, I know...you LOVE HER.
> 
> ...


OT, I hear you loud and clear. No doubt about it, and I don't know why given all the sh#t I have been going through, but I still love her. My biggest fear right now is to have to start all over with someone new. I want a family of my own and I am 42 so I think my time is limited. I fear the dating part and the rejection that is going to come along with it. Honestly I hate my life right now! 

There isn't a day that goes by that she is not constantly on my mind. At work, I spend time in the bathroom crying about this nightmare that I can't wake up from! At home, things are the same and have not improved for me at all. I can't seem to get over her leaving me the way she did. I know she has done some bad things in our marriage but I feel responsible for her actions, I continue to blame myself.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Hbp pull yourself together!! It is NOT your fault that your wife is cheating!!!!!! She is a grown woman and im very sure she knows right from wrong! She is choosing a life without you in it, so you need to stand up and live without her. You can do this. You still can meet someone one day and have a family,its no telling what God has in store for you! 

You cant start a new chapter if you keep rereading this one! I know it hurts, im with you, im still hurting mysf. We promise to love,honor, obey and cherish these ppl and they take a proverbial **** on us without a second thought! It sucks, but its life!! We cant make choices for them. However we will be just fine! Mkeep your head up Hbp!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Thank you so much M2F. I appreciate your words of wisdom. I am worried about her believe it or not. I know I can't control her actions but I was told by an old friend of mine that she was at the bar making out with another W this weekend! Apparently they were all over each other! Yes the bad part of me finds this quite appealing but it is equally shocking and heart breaking none the less. She has gone into a world that I never dreamed she would enter.

Today I received an email from her telling me that she still thinks of me but the love that is needed to continue to be my wife is just not there. She also said that she thinks the divorce path is the right path to follow. I replied to her email with a customized lovingly let go script. I told her more or less that I am done and that if she has a change of heart in the future to let me know.

Honestly, I don't want to hear from her anymore. I just want to get on with my life and focus on me now. I am not renewing my membership with my current gym. I am going to join the Y tomorrow. It will be more expensive but there will be more equipment there, a pool, and more people to get to know. The strange thing is that I can swim but I don't know how to tread water. This will give me the opportunity to learn! I need to get out there and socialize and move on with my life. That is what I am going to do to help myself heal from the damage she has inflicted.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Good move on the Y.
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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Your making progress HBP even if it doesnt seem that way. Your wife is living in some ****ed up fantasy land! The whole intent and purpose on her emailing you was to get a REACTION! She is looking for any bits and scraps she can to justify what she is doing. Its still adultery whether its M or F! Time to stop reacting and start acting! You got this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

M2F, Thanks again for the words of encouragement. I am going to move on with my life without her. I think that the Y will allow me the opportunity to meet new people and get out there and socialize. Like OT said, I need to get out of the freaking house! I am still hurting and I have been crying every day since she abandoned me. But since sending her the email, I have not shed any tears!


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

One day at a time. Another day has passed and it has been two weeks since my STBXW got served. I try not to think about "us" but I still do and I gave into the tears again this morning. I gotta admit, I feel like a discarded piece of sh!t paper off the bottom of someones shoe. God I hate this feeling, no matter what I do or try it just keeps attacking me over and over! 

I have not contacted her and I refuse to do so but God how I want to! Even if I did though I know that she has not changed how she feels about me. Honestly, I don't know why I keep holding on to hope when I know deep down inside there is little to none left. After all that she has done why do I want her back? What is wrong with me, I should be running like a scalded pig from her but I still have hopes... WTF?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Dude, did you really read MMSL?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> Dude, did you really read MMSL?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OT, It funny that you ask that question because I thought that I was through it but I am not. I am only on pg 130. There are 321 pages so I still have some reading to do. When I first started reading it, it sounded as though it was a book about men not getting sex, that was not the case for me at all, we went at it 3-4 times per week. 

I know from what I read so far that I am definetely a beta, I know I need to become more Alpha, that is a given for me. I can't deny that. But my emotions are still on a rollercoaster I don't have the same perspective that you do in that I remained true to my wife and did not cheat on her ever. I believe that marriage is a gift from God and that the only permissable reasons for divorce are adultery and abuse. 

My wife cheated on me and I think that she still is but I have always had a unconditional love for her. Yes that was my beta / door mat past. I am struggling to let her go, she really is the only person that I loved with all my heart and soul. Now that she is out of my life things are not the same. The pain and loss is still there and I am not "Alpha" enough to move on. I guess that was the cause of my failed marriage. I never stood up for anything and avoided conflict so that I would not push her away. Turns out that I needed to balance the two traits, lesson learned.... the hard way!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Keep pushing forward HBP your making progress!
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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I am trying to push forward M2F, but it sure seems as though I am on ice with no traction being made. Oh yeah, I am thinking about her too of course. Can I get off this ride now? I am tired and I have had enough...


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

I want to get off this ride too! We will!
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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I had a good workout at the Y last night. Most of the time my mind was not on her, but the class that I took did bring back some memories of us. I know that she is toxic to me but it sure hasn't gotten any easier, her false love is my drug. I am however determined to stand my ground this time around (I've said it before, I know). 

I continue to second guess having her served with divorce papers; did I kill the possibility of reconciliation or did it open her eyes to what she is giving up? And as OT said "why would you want to?" Really though my biggest struggle right now is the loneliness that I am experiencing, I absolutely hate it! From what I hear she is living it up, getting drunk every weekend, acting like a irresponsible teenager, and hooking up with another woman. OT, you are right, I must be out of my mind to even consider it.

Still I don't understand why can't I just get over her and move on? Am I really that codependent or just sick in the head somehow? When do I get to the point where I can see progress of letting her go and moving on with my life? Everyone here would drop her like a hot potato, WTF can't I do the same?

After all that she has done to hurt me I should be flying away from her like a bat out of he!! When we were together all that I could see in her was all good, she could do no wrong in my eyes. Now that I see her true colors I finally see what a disaster she really is!

I need to realize that I can do nothing to change the past, only my future do I have any control over. I have no control over what she does now and I want to reach a point where I don't care what happens to her. If she wants to come back to me in the future I want to be able to tell her that I have moved on with someone else, go find someone else to play games with, the game is over between us, sorry about your loss!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Hbp- I want to be able to say the same things to my STBXH..its so hard. After all the emails playing on my heart strings yesterday. Im staying dark. Its the best thing to avoid the hurt. Keep chuggin hbp. I have faith in you.
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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I was having a good day until I got home. There was a message on my machine wanting to know if I wanted to go ahead and order a dozen roses for Valentines day from the florist. There are commercials on TV, etc. Everything is reminding me that I have no one that loves me anymore. I feel so alone right now. I hate this f'en sh!t. I'm a broken man who should have more of a backbone but I don't. I just want this pain to end and so far I have had no relief. 

I am going to miss sending her flowers and then taking her out to dinner for Valentines day. I just hate my life right now! What the he!! did I do to deserve this heart crushing event?!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Im sad tonight for you,me and all the Tamers that are going thru this. Im also feeling angry! Like wtf is wrong with our WWS besides they are a buncha ****ing idiots who didnt deserve our true love! I hate waking up alone every dam morning and going to bed alone! So i know what your going thru. Remember there is a special place in hell for those who treat others wrong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

M2F, I am in the same boat tonight as you. I am angry too at her. The pain that she has caused me is lasting a lot longer than I want it to. Really though it is everything around me, my cell phone, work, home, there's always something there to remind me of her. Pictures, her desk, dishes from our wedding, everything! 

Maybe my anger will convince my heart that she is too far gone for me to care. The long and short of it is that everything I am going through is due to her actions. How she can just live it up and not hurt the way I am I will never know. I don't want to see her burn in He!!, but I sure would love for her to have a come to Jesus moment where she turns to God for the rest of her life. That is an area I failed in miserably, I never brought God into our marriage and I should have. I think that things would be different, but who knows...., I never will.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> M2F, I am in the same boat tonight as you. I am angry too at her. The pain that she has caused me is lasting a lot longer than I want it to. Really though it is everything around me, my cell phone, work, home, there's always something there to remind me of her. Pictures, her desk, dishes from our wedding, everything!
> 
> Maybe my anger will convince my heart that she is too far gone for me to care. The long and short of it is that everything I am going through is due to her actions. How she can just live it up and not hurt the way I am I will never know. I don't want to see her burn in He!!, but I sure would love for her to have a come to Jesus moment where she turns to God for the rest of her life. That is an area I failed in miserably, I never brought God into our marriage and I should have. I think that things would be different, but who knows...., I never will.


Hey...I have the same thing going on when it comes to the everything around you reminds you of her. My entire home is 'him'...he chose this lake house to renovate...and I can't renovate nothing...I love this lake house with all my heart and I feel as though I have to leave it. I have to leave the area I'm in because i'm only here because of 'him'...and 'we' are no longer...

so that and my finances are way messed up because he's a part of that also...I'm screwed...every paycheck is taken...because of 'our' debt I'm getting no help with...

I'm reminded all over the dam place. Dishes also hun...

I was thinking of selling 'everything' I don't want...letting the lake house go...and even my job at the plant and just go to the state next door where my friends are...to escape all this...

Id be leaving big bucks...and a beautiful little lake home...I have no visitors...no life...no circle of friends...I lived for 'him'...

what do you think I should do? Stay trapped in the memories?...try and get over it? Give it time? Sell all my stuff and let the house go and move....leaving a majorly good job...

??...


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Stella,

It sure does make things difficult to move on. It's a combination of things not being there and things remaining for me. We both have motorcycles and every day I come home and pull my car into the garage I see that empty space next to my bike where her bike was. It just goes on and on and on for me.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me in that I was depressed and cried several times throughout the day. My goal was to not cry about her anymore and I blew that goal right out of the water. I still remain weak and under her spell. Why I keep holding on to her I don't know? The pain is so intense that she has caused me and I really want it to stop. My heart just will not let it happen!

I just feel like my social life and life in general is over. I am 42 now and the thought of starting over continues to scare me so much. I don't have the self confidence I need to find someone new. My confidence in my appearance is lacking, I don't think I am a troll by any means but I don't feel as though women are attracted to me in that respect. My wife was very attractive and beautiful and I always asked myself why she chose to be with me when I felt as though she could have just about any man that she wanted. 

I am trying to move on and GAL, I hope the gym helps me get there. I am so thankful that TAM is here, It has helped me deal with this never ending nightmare I am going through. I am starting to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I need to do this transformation for my own good.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Just checking in on you HBP...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Stella,
> 
> It sure does make things difficult to move on. It's a combination of things not being there and things remaining for me. We both have motorcycles and every day I come home and pull my car into the garage I see that empty space next to my bike where her bike was. It just goes on and on and on for me.
> 
> ...


I just turned 47 yesterday and I have the same fear about starting over but yanno what...it is what it is. My self esteem has been shattered cos of the jerkoff I was with and I need to work on that. I also need to go back to the gym...I have no weight issues...rather was a hard body when we were together now I'm lanky ...weak and hate it...I need to get better for my mind especially. 
I been crying on and off too...I just go with it...yanno...if we gotta cry let's just cry. So what...we cry. There will come a time where we won't. As for our stuff and atmosphere...I just decided to make little changes one day at a time...I'm setting myself up knowing I'm going to have to give him some of the stuff around here in this divorce...and there will be gaps. And there will be things here that are him that are stagnant and simply won't be moving...

Time time time...we have to strengthen our hearts and minds...and keep it open to find love again. I want to love again. I want someone else in my life...this is the first time I've ever been alone. 

I just feel ...when the time is right...it will happen. I don't have a clue how or when...guys were a dime a dozen back in the day...now and at my age I realize things are different. As much as I want to be loved and to love...I'm ok with this rest in it...for the moment. I am grieving the loss of my stbxh. And even though I will never have him back I'm still in love with him. I hate this but do not deny these feelings. I am working on detaching daily. 

He was an emotionally and verbally abusive man...I had no business loving this kind of guy as much as I did and the way I did. I am working on owning this and it's a process. 

And dude...if one attractive woman wanted you....more will...no more low self esteem from you either... Lets both work on that


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I excorcised my ex as much as I could .A week after she was gone I drug the marital bed out of the house and set it ablaze-I was even throwing gas on it-illegal as hell -but I got away with it out here in the country.I just wasn't going to sleep in that bed alone and I got a new one and for me it was symbolic of my new life.I gave her everything that could be construed to be feminine the majority of everything she wanted and anything I didn't want-my place is now a man cave.I hired a mover uptown to take everything from my home to hers 5 miles away-She is surrounded by all kinds of stuff I bought her for 17 years-a lot of it gifts but as materialisic as she is doesn't seem to bother her.The rest doesn't bother me this is my home now damnit and its cool I can do whatever I want to with it.I know how you folks feel the detachment is HARD.Reflecting back....Their gone,going to an attorney,going to court,their stuff goes out the door,seperated on our 17th anniversay,1st Thanksgiving without the wife,1st xmas without the wife,more court,divorce summons, mediation,more court,money goes out of the bank,divorce decree,custody study,trial for custody of the kids,changes in the kids schedules,the ex is seeing someone.All of this hard but what I kept in mind was compared to what?A person can draw on the strength of others think of a holocaust survivor in many circumstances their families gone,their homes?-What job to return to?Themselves ravaged and yet these people lived on some became successful right here after moving to america.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I can set the thermostat where I damn well please. 


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Stella Moon said:


> I just turned 47 yesterday and I have the same fear about starting over but yanno what...it is what it is. My self esteem has been shattered cos of the jerkoff I was with and I need to work on that. I also need to go back to the gym...I have no weight issues...rather was a hard body when we were together now I'm lanky ...weak and hate it...I need to get better for my mind especially.
> I been crying on and off too...I just go with it...yanno...if we gotta cry let's just cry. So what...we cry. There will come a time where we won't. As for our stuff and atmosphere...I just decided to make little changes one day at a time...I'm setting myself up knowing I'm going to have to give him some of the stuff around here in this divorce...and there will be gaps. And there will be things here that are him that are stagnant and simply won't be moving...
> 
> Time time time...we have to strengthen our hearts and minds...and keep it open to find love again. I want to love again. I want someone else in my life...this is the first time I've ever been alone.
> ...


Stella, I hope you are right about the other women. I am trying to get through this the best that I can. I still can't believe that I am going through all of this! I know people keep saying that when God closes one door he opens another. I keep pounding on the locked door to get back in! I am in a what if state right now where I don't know what will ultimately happen with our marriage?

I am trying to do things to get out there and be sociable. I don't really like the bar scene, I just don't think it is the best place to find someone to have a long term relationship with. I went to the gym last night and had my orientation. I was there for over an hour. The machines are better there and I think I am going to like it. I came home and cried about my STBXW and didn't get much sleep last night.

Instead of things getting any easier for me they seem to be getting worse. Honestly, I am sick and tired of feeling like this, it really sucks! Although I don't want my level of hate to increase for my wife, it has went through the roof! How could she do this to me after all that I have done for her? How can she just live it up and not give me a second thought? I have never been through anything like this before and I owe it all to her! I really want to have my normal life back but I know its not possible right now. Hell I am even thinking about sending her flowers this Thursday! How stupid would that be?

I've lost jobs, lost both my parents, etc but nothing compares to the amount of pain and anguish I am going through now and it is because of one person, the one I thought was the love of my life, my soul mate, my beloved wife. I fu'kn hate her right now!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Stella, I hope you are right about the other women. I am trying to get through this the best that I can. I still can't believe that I am going through all of this! I know people keep saying that when God closes one door he opens another. I keep pounding on the locked door to get back in! I am in a what if state right now where I don't know what will ultimately happen with our marriage?
> 
> I am trying to do things to get out there and be sociable. I don't really like the bar scene, I just don't think it is the best place to find someone to have a long term relationship with. I went to the gym last night and had my orientation. I was there for over an hour. The machines are better there and I think I am going to like it. I came home and cried about my STBXW and didn't get much sleep last night.
> 
> ...


Thats what I have on my screen saver on my cell...when God closes one door he opens another...yea I'm knockin' too...trying to get to the other side...but it's just not going to open right now because there's still a work in us yet to be done. Period. We want our quick fix 'now'...and God don't roll like that. We have to wait. I hate it...you hate it but we need to suck it up.

I have this entire weekend off...and what am I doing? I'm at home on TAM. I didn't try and go out this weekend...or see what my friends or a friend (I don't have many here) are doing because i just don't want to be out there right now. My stbxh is on friggin dating sites already no doubt going out there getting his weenie wet. I just can't do this right now...as much as I want to be next to someone I just don't have it in me to put forth the effort...my heart isn't ready. It is and it isn't and it's more on the isn't side. 

For some reason I'm just not as anxious as I thought I would be. Maybe I'm too busy resenting the fact he is out there already..He!! he was out there right away...he needs that ego 'fix'...another victim. Good for him. I'm just not in the mood...I'm sad these last couple days...since my mess just 'hit' me. 

I need to go back to the gym...I intended to do that either yesterday or today...I clearly didn't make that either...I feel in a slump myself...I also opened up my lawyer bill...holy shxt!!!! WTF!!!! I'm like...I can't even type about it...

When you say things are getting worse...yanno what tho...I was ok for a few weeks...on a mission...completed a successful mission ...then bam!....I'm bummin...were gonna have our roller coaster of healing...we have to go through it. It's part of the process...and yea it sucks...cos it's sucky for me now too..i'm with you...

Get me in the dam gym door! Ugh! 

Listen to me carefully...do not send your stbxw flowers for valentines...don't do that. Your setting yourself up for rejection...why do that? As you said you've done enough for her...be done with that. Don't do it. Do something nice for a lady friend...seriously...leave your stbxw OUT of valentines day completely...no text nothing...don't do it. I'm tellin' you!

I'm sposed to be going to court valentines day at 4pm unless some sort of agreement starts...and so far there hasn't been one...I'm not looking forward to that day myself. He's not agreeing to anything and neither am I...lol...f'ck it. 

I dunno...I'm just mad also...he ruined my dreams and left me with debt.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

-I would say to both of you keep things simple get back to the basics- perform your job the best you can,focus on your health,excercise,eat,sleep-my god you would have to be crazy to get involved with someone at this point you two are still going through the grieving process give it at least 6months to a year.Stella if you can't get this settled before you get to court and if it looks like its going nowhere fast request for mediation that way it will be court ordered.Be adamant about getting this settled-try not to let the attorneys drag this out.One of my strategies was I never went to get my mail on Friday &Saturday since I knew there could be crappy news -that way it wouldn't ruin my weekend-the weekends were my time away from my case.I talked to my friends on the phone ,prayed,I listened to music,went to church-that seemed to help me a lot.Just throwing things out there.3 years was too long going through the divorce process I found ways to cope.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Stella, I think that is what gets me the worst is the fact that she is living it up and banging anything with two legs. I guess it is just the "ease and genuine lack of concern" that she has taken about my feelings and how she has destroyed my dreams. I agree with you too on my heart not being ready, I really want it to but I know full well it is not. This all her doing, I didn't want any of this sh!t and I am forced to go through it. It has destroyed my drive and my life and I hate her for it!


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

When it comes to these no-good spouses I look at it this way "Every dog has its day and their day is coming".


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

gulfwarvet said:


> When it comes to these no-good spouses I look at it this way "Every dog has its day and their day is coming".


Amen to that!!
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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I just wonder how I will react if she does come back to me? Will I forgive and try to work things out with her or will I tell her she dug her grave now lie in it!


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well my life just hit a new low. Our contract is not going to be renewed and I am going to be on the bread line! Last day is February 19th 2013. No contact with STBXW since my email, she will be real happy when she finds out the well went dry! Wow, seriously!!! What's next!!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

just read your thread HBP im so sorry. this had nothing to do with you, you did not make her cheat. things will get better. ive been there married had 6 month old son then wife goes to bars all the time and i became plan b. i fell for the need space line, not sure want divorce. 9 years late kid with me most of the time shes misserable and ive never been happier (remarried)

this is to make you laugh and i DO NOT recomend you doing this but the thing that helped me the most get over my XW and move on (during the i dont know if i want a divorce while i screw my new bf time) i got a tattoo of a knife sticking out of my back with my XW name in the handle. see my avatar pict. i was done with her at that moment


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Hi terrence, I know that I didn't make her cheat in some ways but in other ways I feel as though I failed as a husband to her in a way that led to her cheating. Tonight I was driving by a local bar and saw her car there. Like a dumba$$ I opened the door only to see her with some guy there shooting pool. I closed the door, went to my car and left. 

This really hurt me to see her in the arms of another man. I did nothing, I did not confront her or him, I just tucked my tail like a coward and left the bar. I see in my mind that they are going to go back to her apartment get it on and he will be on his way. I just can't believe what she is doing now, It rips my heart out everytime I think about it and for the life of me I don't understand why I still want her to remain my wife? There has to be something mentally wrong with me to even fathom getting back together with her.

I am going through the worst hell I have ever been through and she is not there for me. My job, my marriage, my life, it is all crashing down on me, I am so sick and tired of all of the sh!t I am going through. And then on top of all of that we have Valentines Day coming up. It was always a special day for us, flowers, dinner, sex, and now I have no one in my life to share it with. I like others here will be spending it alone. 

Everybody says it will get better, it sure hasn't even began for me yet. I try to heal but then something like tonight happens and I am right back where I was.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Why in the hell would you go to the door and look in?

A bit of a masochist, are we?

Geez
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> Why in the hell would you go to the door and look in?
> 
> A bit of a masochist, are we?
> 
> ...


Uh OT, I saw my wife's car parked there as I was driving by. Yes my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to see for myself not based on what other people were telling me about what she is doing. It upset me to see this but it also woke me up to reality. Now that I have seen it firsthand, there is no longer this he said she said stuff going on in my head.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Ok, if it works for you, that's cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Hi terrence, I know that I didn't make her cheat in some ways but in other ways I feel as though I failed as a husband to her in a way that led to her cheating. Tonight I was driving by a local bar and saw her car there. Like a dumba$$ I opened the door only to see her with some guy there shooting pool. I closed the door, went to my car and left.
> 
> .


Hi HB, First Im so sorry for your pain and your loss, I feel it and I know it, you can read my tread if interested. I tried to catch up on most of what you wrote and I picked this quote above to address. The first thing that caught my attention on your initial post is that both of you were wishy washy in the relationship, she communicated but not fully, just suggesting or making vague treats that she might not be available, and you kept postponing having a baby and she didn’t ask you why. So that’s on both of you have you ever been with a couple that has fantastic communication skills? I have a best friend that I just could not understand why her and her husband talked everything out and everything seemed like a big deal but they are happy and really share. I certainly didn’t do that with my husband, I would broach a subject but if he acted displeased or uninterested I would let it drop rather than create waves. 

As for you being a failure..... Im 100% sure you weren’t.... you have faults like everyone...my question now is what have you learned? Have you learned to communicate better? It might be hard to even think about things like that yet and that’s ok, you need to give yourself time to heal. But when you’re ready that’s the kind of stuff to look at and what your MC was probably trying to help you with. But the pain you’re experiencing right now might be to much for you to delve into the whys so deeply. 

As for your wife, so what.. it’s painful I know.....but let her be out with that other man, she wasn’t ready or willing to be a better communicator with you and what has she done to make herself a better person...? Cheated on her husband... guess what... that doesn’t build character.. Let her go .. You will see her doing a lot of changing also and it might not be for the best. This is hard.. This is painful.. And it seems to last and last... My stbxh can set me on a spin of depression still but less and less. And I look forward to the day it will end....The one thing I do think about less and less is the fact he’s w/ an OW. I just told him the other day when he said to me how I want him to be unhappy so he'll get his just desserts... I said Go! Go be happy with the OW... I don’t care.... good luck with it.....I never told you that I want you to rot in hell or be unhappy... what I want is for ME TO BE HAPPY>>> I don’t care what you do now except when you try to make it affect me.....!!! It really kind of freed me.. try it.... say good luck to you... be happy and see if it helps you......Sorry this is so long...


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I keep second guessing the filing for divorce and sending her the email I sent her telling her that if she can't make up her mind on what she wants then I would make her decision for her, I told her that I am no longer an option and wished her the best. I sent that email last Mon and although I would like to hear from her via text, email, etc, I have not heard anything from her since. I also have not made any contact with her.

I have implemented the advice that I have found on here. I question my actions over and over again. Even though she was and is cheating on me I still love her. I don't know why but I do. Am I needy? Hell yes I am! Codependant, yes definetely! A doormat! Yes that is me, walk all over me! This was my first real relationship that I had and I don't know what to do to save it!? This is her second marriage. Why I can't seem to let go I will never know and with every day that passes I feel less and less hopeful about us staying together?

They say do the 180 for you and not to get your spouse back, they also say you need to lose your marriage in order to save it. 
I just keep hoping that she will want to R even though she has cheated and continues to cheat on me. I guess in her eyes since I filed for D she can do whatever she wants to now. The divorce is already in progress and although it can be stopped I beleive that she is going to sign on the line and be done with me. This is not what I wanted truthfully but under the circumstances it seemed like the right thing to do to get her to wake up and smell the coffee. 

Tomorrow was a special day for us and I don't know if I should send her flowers so she knows I still love her or I should remain dark like everyone here has recommended. Does she want me to fight for our marriage? I took this stance when things first starting going south and all it did was push her away from me but atleast we were still talking and communicating.

Now there is none, nadda, zip and I think I blew any chances of us staying together. Honestly, this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with, losing her and now my job, it just makes someone want to crawl under a rock and hide. I just want to get to the point where I feel good about my life but right now my life is a living Hell.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well, here it is V-Day and I am staying strong and not sending her flowers today, I hope I can stay strong the whole day though...


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Hang tight Hbp-so glad you are not sending the flowers. Im sure your wife is aware that you know what shes been out doing,so what kinda message would the flowers give? You know you deserve so much better,and if you dont know that then tell yourself everyday. Make it your mantra. No need to go back,only forward!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well I did it! No flowers or communication! Yay Me! Would I have liked to have heard from her today... yes I would have. It was my first and hopefully my last V-Day alone.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Proud of you! And praying that this is our last V day solo!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Good for you, I on the other hand heard from my stbxh 4 times yesterday.. so much for my worrying he took the OW away.. but it was about bills, taxes and then finally he forward me a picture of a baby that born yesterday and they named it after him.....He never once mentioned it was V-day. or my b-day today.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

It was a crappy day but it is over now. Getting ready to file taxes and she wants to file married but filing single so I had already changed my W4 last year to married so now filing single means I owe the IRS lots of money! The fruits of her actions just keeping on attacking me! Please help me understand why I am so clingy and need her?


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

How are you doing HBP? Its been a few days,just making sure your ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Tell her you are filing joint this year and she can have half of it. You should not be pegged for her stupidity. Next year file single.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

mama2five said:


> How are you doing HBP? Its been a few days,just making sure your ok.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


M2F, I am trying to hang in there. She posted on FB a pic of her and her new man. All I could do was look at it and cry... I had to see it on someone elses account because she un-friended me a while back. I already filed the taxes this weekend and took the hit. Without my job I need all the money I can get. She already made up her mind that she was filing single.

Apparently you can't claim student loan interest and other deductions if you file married but single. I was lucky to get a small refund. I know life is not fair but it sure seems as though I keep getting sh!t on by life here of late. Bottom line, this all ties back to her! Everything!


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

TAM posters, After reading my story what would you do? I want to reach out to her and try to reconcile our marriage. I know that is not what I should do. I just feel like I killed any chance of that happening with the email and the filing that I did. Some say that I stood up for myself and my dignity but my heart is telling me otherwise.

Did I do the right thing in your opinion or do you think I moved too fast on the D and the 180 attempt? Or did I dodge a bullet aimed right at my heart?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Dude - she's gone. You cannot MAKE her love you OR come back. 

IMO, you have done the right thing. 

Now it's on you to accept all this and move forward. 

Expect the emotional roller-coaster ride to continue quite some time.

Have you been working out regularly? Getting out of the house?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Confused, I would like to think that she was not "settling" for me. I treated my wife with respect and as a queen. Everything I did was about her


That's your problem, she was your everything. It's not a bad thing but unless she's treating you like a KING, it's only a one way street from you to her and nothing back to you.

If I'm putting her on a pedestal, she better put me right next to her or I'm kicking her the crap off of that pedestal and it's going to be one hard fall.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> Dude - she's gone. You cannot MAKE her love you OR come back.
> 
> IMO, you have done the right thing.
> 
> ...


OT,

I did work out last week but the loss of my job just made things that much worse. I didn't do anything this weekend or yesterday. I know that she is gone and I can't seem to accept the truth. It hurts beyond belief right now. I know that I can't make her love me or come back. Like it or not I need to accept it and move on. I just keep holding on to hope and praying that God will save our marriage but nothing could be further from reality.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am right back where I was several weeks ago where I am depressed and down again. I really hate feeling this way as it is not the norm for me but getting back to normal seems like a miracle will be needed in order for that to happen. I have hit rock bottom in my life. She was my everything in my life and my world did revolve around her. I know know this was a fatal mistake and I won't let it happen again if and when I get into another serious relationship.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> I have hit rock bottom in my life.


No way to go but *^^^UP^^^* from here.

Get your azz to the gym. Get out of the damn house!
You must *WILL* yourself to do this.

Believe me, I know how hard it is. Been there.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Heartbroken, She has another man......She deleted you from her FB.... She wants to file single on taxes..... It sounds very much like it does not matter what you do, you can try to agonize over this or that but the fact remains that she has decided to move on with her life and it’s without you in it. The more you reach out to her now the more she just loses respect for you and you push her even farther away. You are going through a grief cycle, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes you will feel more than one of these emotions at once, it does take time to cycle through it all. I’m 6 months in and hit most of them still, they don’t happen as often or as long now though. It will get better, take the advice you’re getting on here, get out and do things for you.

As far as the taxes go you did the right thing. I sought legal advice on mine and you could not have made her file joint. I ended up doing so with my stbxh but not because he tried bullying me into it. I went to a finical advisor and knew it was in both our best interest to do a joint if we could agree which we finally did. So don’t second guess that one... just take it one day at a time, you will have many challenges ahead of you.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> Heartbroken, She has another man......She deleted you from her FB.... She wants to file single on taxes..... It sounds very much like it does not matter what you do, you can try to agonize over this or that but the fact remains that she has decided to move on with her life and it’s without you in it. The more you reach out to her now the more she just loses respect for you and you push her even farther away. You are going through a grief cycle, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes you will feel more than one of these emotions at once, it does take time to cycle through it all. I’m 6 months in and hit most of them still, they don’t happen as often or as long now though. It will get better, take the advice you’re getting on here, get out and do things for you.
> 
> As far as the taxes go you did the right thing. I sought legal advice on mine and you could not have made her file joint. I ended up doing so with my stbxh but not because he tried bullying me into it. I went to a finical advisor and knew it was in both our best interest to do a joint if we could agree which we finally did. So don’t second guess that one... just take it one day at a time, you will have many challenges ahead of you.


Thanks for the advice. I haven't heard from her or reached out to her for over two weeks. As far as she is concerned, I am just something that she has kicked to the curb. I just wish it would get easier. People keep saying that it will but it sure doesn't seem that way to me. I guess I am trying to rush things but I am so tired of feeling like this day after day after day. I want to be happy again and I hate my life right now! I don't know if I will ever be able to trust another woman with my heart. What's worse is not being able to see any of this coming in the past. I thought without a shadow of a doubt that I could trust her. She never gave me any reason not to. I guess the LBS is always the last to know.

I am glad I can vent on here and I know I am not alone. I know I need to get out more and do things for myself and I have tried but last week really set me back. Life goes on...


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

We all have setbacks HBP- if we didnt,then how would we ever have COMEBACKS? Your doing the right thing with NC. What on earth made you look at her fb? Curiousity killed the cat. You should block her on there-so if tempted to look you have to unblock. Gives you 30 extra sec to decide is it worth it? She does NOT deserve you! She walked out!! Even if she came back would you REALLY want to be with someone so callous? You have to keep moving forward opening new doors. She is the past,leave her there. Close that chapter and start writing the next....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I can look at my stbx' FB page now and just go "tsk, tsk, tsk". 

It's a wonderful place to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks M2F, God I just wish it was that easy for me. I need to come to terms with all that has happened to me and deal with it the right way. I don't know what God has in store for me with all the doors that have recently been closed. I am trying to have faith and believe that he will see me through this.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Seriously??

You go look at her fb...hurt inside and then complain about being hurt...?? Wah wah wah...

You think your helping yourself? Your not healing because your not doing the right things to help yourself. Your wallowing in self pity and being destructive. Of course your not going to heal. 

Grow up. Knock it the fk off. Your an adult. Act like it. 

Do I sound harsh? Good. I would like to hear some positives from you...

One woman does not define you...it's over. 

Wake up and redefine and re invent yourself.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

By the way God closes the doors to things that aren't good for us...
Get yourself together so he can open more doors for you...you have free will...

He's not going to help you unless you help yourself....

Stop looking at her dam fb ffs! That's a good start...

Pizz me right off ya did....


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Seriously??
> 
> You go look at her fb...hurt inside and then complain about being hurt...?? Wah wah
> Grow up. Knock it the fk off. Your an adult. Act like it.
> ...


What the lady is saying in three words:

Grow some stones. 

,,
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks Stella and OT, I needed a reality check. I don't have access to her FB account, she unfriended me months ago. A friend of mine showed me the pic because I told him about the guy I saw her at the bar with. It was a pic of her and him on FB because he is a friend on her page. Curiosity did kill the cat, I know that. OT, I do have a pair, My life right now though is a nightmare I have never experienced before!

With the loss of my job and her it has really taken a toll on my self esteem and life in general. My new job now is to find another one. I do not have any drive right now to do anything other than that. I have grown to hate her for what she has done. I certainly do not wish her the best anymore. I hope that she hits rock bottom the way I have! I just don't understand why I am suffering and she is living a grand wonderful life right now. I feel like I am being punished.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I know. 

I know I was hard on you also. I been waiting for you to get up (I work the night shift) and respond.  

No more friends showing you pics either. Enough of that and tell your friend I said so. That's dumb. You just don't need anymore of that. It hurts you and regresses you and your struggling to get ahead as it is! 

I can however relate to how you feel your wife is living the good life and your suffering. I got that and job loss is suxcky. I HATE that my stbx lives off his parents like he doesn't have a care in the world...I'm suffering in debt and he comes walking into court in pin stripped pants and a saweet leather jacket. Lol...and I just had to get my cell turned back on and my wages are getting garnished because of his IRS crap. 
Seriously? 

Yes...you have it rough but don't give up. You need to change your whole attitude and outlook...you have to try harder...and yes I said 'harder' ...you need to really stop the negative stuff and stop focusing on her. Who cares where she's at in life...she's in a vicious life of destruction...it will be never ending for a woman like that. Don't you see? 

You...you need a job. Get a job. I totally believe half your problem is your negative demeanor and your so easily wanting to give up. Grab something...anything...even if it's not the profession your in...just start applying like a mad man...you 'have' to! It's sink or swim...and we're not about sinking here on TAM. But you must help yourself. 

Many of us wonder when the pain will stop...no good answere. Deal with that. But get busy with the healing process...your in a big slump...true that..but only YOU can get your Azz out of it. ACTIVE AS HE!! Job seeking...excorsize...meetups...friends...socialize...get busy having a life! And no more pics for craps sake. You've been brooding around about your situation long enough. I'm slappin' you up...'move'! 

Do not let this woman ruin your life. Do not let her win...you have to come out of this! Couseling...meds...doctor...whatever it takes! But do something different because clearly how your going about this is not working! Stop rolling over and dying for craps sake! This IS your life! 

I want to hear about how many apps you filled out...how you revamped your résumé. How you swam laps at the gym. How you bought the brunette a drink. How you took yourself to a action movie. 
Then back to job hunting....

'Woes me mentality will not get you anywhere...so don't complain about not being anywhere!' Get somewhere each dam day! But get out of your rut dude! Wtf!!!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Thanks Stella and OT, I needed a reality check. I don't have access to her FB account, she unfriended me months ago. A friend of mine showed me the pic because I told him about the guy I saw her at the bar with. It was a pic of her and him on FB because he is a friend on her page. Curiosity did kill the cat, I know that. OT, I do have a pair, My life right now though is a nightmare I have never experienced before!
> 
> With the loss of my job and her it has really taken a toll on my self esteem and life in general. My new job now is to find another one. I do not have any drive right now to do anything other than that. I have grown to hate her for what she has done. I certainly do not wish her the best anymore. I hope that she hits rock bottom the way I have! I just don't understand why I am suffering and she is living a grand wonderful life right now. *I feel like I am being punished.*



Yea we all feel that way. Oh well. Your punishing yourself worse with this lack of motivation. Snap out of it. Your life is not about her it's about you and the sooner you realize that the faster things will come into play for you...seriously try changing your attitude and doing the things I suggested...if you don't you have nothing to complain about. Get ready to live on the streets and eat out of garbage cans _because of one woman..._


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

:iagree:


Stella Moon said:


> I know.
> 
> I know I was hard on you also. I been waiting for you to get up (I work the night shift) and respond.
> 
> ...


:iagree:What the heck! She just got me out of my slump with that one!!! ROTFL. I’m not laughing at your misery Heartb... but at Stella’s way with motivational words.... If that doesn’t get you up and going nothing will! ....:rofl:


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Come on Stella, Have a heart! Just kidding...  I got some good news this morning! A job offer for close to 100K, I start Monday!  Better benefits and everything! I guess this is one of the doors that was closed by God and a new one opened that is so much better! I did go to the gym last week, but this week I haven't been there yet. I need to go and hopefully I will go tonight. It is a lot for me to go through with my STBXW but the loss of my job nearly sealed my fate.

I am going to do everything that I can do to get her out of my head. Look at what she is throwing away! This is her dumba$$ decision not mine. She had a home and everything provided for her! It's her loss! I have learned from my mistakes in our marriage and hopefully I won't repeat them in my next one.

Because I can vent on here and not to her directly, here is my message to my STBXW. Good Riddance! You cheating (canine female species)! I am so much better off without you! I hope to live to see the day when you wake up and realize just how much you ***'d up! Just don't come crying to me when you do because this ship has already sailed. You had a lifetime ticket and you ran it through the shredder! Your on a path of destruction and your never going to be faithful to anyone that you get with. I almost feel sorry for the other person.... NOT!!!! I hope you become emotionally attached and have your heart crushed like you did mine! You don't deserve me and you have lost me forever! Your a cancer to my soul and I am in remission. I am free of your lies, deception, adultery, and false love! Your days of inflicting mental pain on me are over! I am getting stronger every day and I will have a new life without your sorry a$$ in it.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Come on Stella, Have a heart! Just kidding...  I got some good news this morning! A job offer for close to 100K, I start Monday!  Better benefits and everything! I guess this is one of the doors that was closed by God and a new one opened that is so much better! I did go to the gym last week, but this week I haven't been there yet. I need to go and hopefully I will go tonight. It is a lot for me to go through with my STBXW but the loss of my job nearly sealed my fate.
> 
> I am going to do everything that I can do to get her out of my head. Look at what she is throwing away! This is her dumba$$ decision not mine. She had a home and everything provided for her! It's her loss! I have learned from my mistakes in our marriage and hopefully I won't repeat them in my next one.
> 
> Because I can vent on here and not to her directly, here is my message to my STBXW. Good Riddance! You cheating (canine female species)! I am so much better off without you! I hope to live to see the day when you wake up and realize just how much you ***'d up! Just don't come crying to me when you do because this ship has already sailed. You had a lifetime ticket and you ran it through the shredder! Your on a path of destruction and your never going to be faithful to anyone that you get with. I almost feel sorry for the other person.... NOT!!!! I hope you become emotionally attached and have your heart crushed like you did mine! You don't deserve me and you have lost me forever! Your a cancer to my soul and I am in remission. I am free of your lies, deception, adultery, and false love! Your days of inflicting mental pain on me are over! I am getting stronger every day and I will have a new life without your sorry a$$ in it.



CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! AND BRAVO I SAY! BRAVO!!!!!!!!!

You see!? Already! You got a JOB!!!!! OMGGGGGGOSH! WOW! I got chills reading your post! I'M SO EXCITED AND PROUD OF YOU!!!! 

sigh...and relieved! Ok...and I'm thrilled to see you venting and lashing out and throwing her out of your head like yesterdays trash! You keep doing that...be done with her...Your starting a brand new life...new job...new people and you have no idea where it's going to take you! WOW! A new circle of friends dude...awesome! Total and complete awesome! This is what you needed... 

I don't want to hear any more pity now...you have your break...you have zero excuses to not move forward...Don't disapoint God...he did open that door for you...now what you do with it is up to you...just keep cleaning up...and keep thriving...and moving forward...you got this!!! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

I told you so... Now go buy a new shirt...


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks Stella, I made myself go to the gym tonight. I did twice my normal workout tonight. I am sore but that is to be expected. I was checking out the ladies there, looking for rings on the finger and not with a guy. The problem I have so far is that everyone is doing their own thing. Headphones, treadmills, etc... I have been trying to go on different days to check out the possibilities.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm glad your getting out there (to the gym)...good. 

Now if I could only follow my own advice...hehe...


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Stella, Ya just gotta do it! It is tough and painful at first but once you get into it you want to go. I feel so much better after the workout. I sleep well and I feel as though I have accomplished something for me. It also takes my mind off of my STBXW.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Stella, Ya just gotta do it! It is tough and painful at first but once you get into it you want to go. I feel so much better after the workout. I sleep well and I feel as though I have accomplished something for me. It also takes my mind off of my STBXW.


I used to be a gym buff...hard body...big time...I miss the rush...
the protien shakes...high protien diet...i miss the atmosphere...my ipod music...the sweat...the ache...planks...just all of it...now I'm all 'lanky'...haha! Weak. I feel like a wuss...I hate that. 

I associate it with 'him'...we used to go together...he 'used' to be cut...when he was arm wrestiling..(champion etc...)

he quit going (when we were still together)...I still went...but then when we broke off...I quit...I just haven't been able to walk in the building since last november...can you believe that crap??? Not once...ever. I have never stepped back into the gym... it's like one of those 'thing's you got to be 'ready' to do...'without' him...yanno... seen him at court the 14th...he's got a gut on him...so if he's going he's not doing what he used to do there...that's for sure...but he can change that almost over night...I've seen it..I hate that about him..I hope he gets FAT AND LAZY! With back rolls and stuff... 'on him'...that's not going to look good... (sorry needed to have a selfish moment) dude had an 8 pk when I met him...


I need to get my crap together...my body is pizzed off and it's feeling it inside and out I'm not going...It wasn't going to hold out forever...and now I really REALLY need to get back...

I've been enjoying sleep so much...:sleeping:

I will get back tho...I fully intend too...I just need to commit...  I miss the rush tho... ooohh....


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Hbp- how are you doing? Did you make it to the gym this wknd?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

mama2five said:


> Hbp- how are you doing? Did you make it to the gym this wknd?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The last I was there was Thursday. Had a rough weekend. I was trying to go out to eat on my own and I was going to go to one of my favorite places to eat. I went there and sure enough she was there with a different guy. She didn't see me so I just left and went home. Another setback for me.

People on here can attack me all they want. I wasn't planning on seeing her. I don't know what is wrong with me, I still keep praying that God will save our marriage and we will continue our life together. :scratchhead: I lost both my parents in my early 20's and I have no relation in my area or any siblings. So I truly am alone now. I was alone all of my life until we met and I really thought I wouldn't have to deal with it again.

I don't know why I still care and I don't know why I can't seem to get over her. I hate being alone, I just hate it! Maybe I am a masachist like OT suggested? I am only telling people how I really feel right now. I still feel miserable, it hasn't gotten any better for me and I still want her back! I just want to be happy again. I haven't been myself since she left me behind.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to get out more, the gym is great but what about prayer meetings or other church events? How about hobbies? what are you into besides obsesing about your trampy ex wife.

I mean dude its only been a couple of months but its time to join a club or something....maybe even a dating site.

Anything...but get your self out there and live

I suggest you remodel the house or at least redecorate...Now that you got a new job use the money to fix up your place. Make it your own and a nice place to bring the ladies! At the very least redo your bed room. Donate all your old stuff and buy some new furnishings. Who knows you might meet a nice ladie at the do-it yourself store 

How about voulunteer work?

Again, anything to get you out and living again!!!!!

Hopefully in time it will be your STBXW running out of resturants when she sees you with a new lady you met at church, hobby club, work, or even at the gym.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> *Had a rough weekend. I was trying to go out to eat on my own and I was going to go to one of my favorite places to eat. I went there and sure enough she was there with a different guy. She didn't see me so I just left and went home. Another setback for me.*
> 
> Setback? Please, *hbp* - you squandered an opportunity to gain some respect. Why in the he!l did you not go on in, sit down, and order dinner? I would have acknowledged their presence, and after ordering, gone over to their table and said "Good evening, (Wife's name)", then addressed the OM: "Hi, I am (Your name)...are you having a pleasant evening with my wife?".
> 
> ...




LOL, unless you derive pleasure from all this, you're definitely not a masochist. My d-day was in early Sept 2012. I think your W moved out in Dec 2012? If so, I'm only a couple of months ahead of you in this process. The pain, misery and doubts you're experiencing are fresh in my mind - so I "get it".

I never cried and begged (that's just not my nature), but I took more than my share of blame and wasted two months attempting R with a partner who just wasn't interested. I stayed in the same place you are until I finally said "F*ck you! If you don't want me - I'm fine with that - let's move on". 

In essence, once I finally found my retracted testicles, yanked them back down where they belong, and refused to be a doormat any longer - the change in my attitude has been quick and sure.

Bluntly stated (and I say this with Christian love), imo, you need to find your cojones or grow a pair, whatever the case may be, and move forward. If you do not, you will stay in this dark and lonely place. 

It's your choice.

..
.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

^^that hit the nail on the head! Hbp how are u doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

M2F, I am hanging in there so to speak. My STBXW did contact me recently to pick up her mail that was delivered to my home that she had in her previously married name. She showed up, asked if that was it, I said that's it and she walked out the door and left. It may be premature on my part but I did sign up on several dating sites. I have been chatting with a nice woman since Sunday. We seem to have some things in common but I am not sure how far things will go with her. She is separated like me and this will be her second divorce.

Her second divorce won't be final till the end of the year and the second marriage lasted less than a year and her STBXH lives hundreds of miles away. Her reasons for divorce are neglect for the 1st one and controlling for the second one. Apparently there was no cheating on either side. I don't know if this is a rebound thing for me or not? I don't live by the philosophy that what's good for the goose is good for the gander and I don't want to hurt her or myself. I won't follow in my STBXW's steps and sleep with someone before the divorce is final. That and knowing that if it were to come to that and she initiated it, then I know that she doesn't have reservations about cheating while she is still legally married. Honestly, It feels good to have someone to talk to and she seems interested in me but two divorces make me very uneasy.

Am I looking at this all wrong? I know that it is too early but the truth is that I feel better about myself. It makes me feel as though there are other women out there who are attracted to me and want to be with me. Do you all think I am taking things too fast in an effort to get over my STBXW? I don't want to repeat the he!! that I have been through again! The thing is I have not shed any tears over my STBXW since I started talking to her.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Sounds like a move in the right direction, imo


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Yes I think its to early for a relationship with the oppisite sex. can you mind another friend The reason is because you are vulerable and still hurt and you still need time to heal. Can you find som one of the same sex to talk with?


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Well I stopped chatting with her yesterday. Things seemed like we were hitting it off really well and I began to ask some frank probing questions. I was upfront with her and I had already advised her of my situation and I told her the reason for my impending divorce. I asked her how she feels about cheating. She then said that "I think there are lots of good reasons that people cheat"  And then she named them. It is better to find out now though. That was it for me, back to the website!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Lol! Wth? Some ppl I tell ya! That was a good laugh tho...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Loaded up the dating sites with new pictures last night. I am trying to move on but I gotta be honest, it hasn't gotten any easier. I never thought I would be starting over at this age and I am really struggling with it. My self worth and confidence has really been impacted by all of this, now so more then ever. I feel like I am trying to sell a used old refrigerator to an Eskimo. 

Even with her breaking my heart, cheating on me in the past and now, and leaving me alone, I still can't get her out of my mind. I spent the weekend doing nothing but crying and asking God why he allowed this to happen to me? I still can't accept the fact that our life together is over and our marriage is beyond repair. I know that is the case but accepting it is another story.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> I spent the weekend doing nothing but crying and asking God why he allowed this to happen to me? *I still can't accept the fact that our life together is over and our marriage is beyond repair.* I know that is the case but accepting it is another story.


Yes, imo, you have accepted it - ie. the truth.
The "truth" being that you cannot change how your x feels about you. And that, my friend is half the battle.

Dealing with it, however, is another thing entirely. This will be the most difficult and protracted part of the battle. 

Almost six months out from Dday, I still struggle with "what-ifs" some days. But those days are getting farther and farther apart. When I remind myself of "the truth" (I can't make her *want* to be with me) those days are not as hard to deal with. I don't automatically throw down a handful of A/D meds like I did a couple of months ago - haven't felt the need to use them in about 2 weeks, actually. 

Think of a meteor violently crashing down into a large lake. At the immediate point of impact, the resulting waves are very large and turbulent. As the waves move away from the point of impact, they gradually get smaller and smaller, with increasingly more distance between each wave. The waves eventually make the shoreline. They do not disappear, but rather bounce back into the lake, even weaker than before.

Near this point of impact, your vessel becomes uncontrollable, and may very well capsize - the captain goes into panic mode. Farther out from the point of impact, these smaller waves are much easier to handle, and you have time between each wave to re-plot your course and adjust your sails to reach your destination.

My point: the farther out from the point of impact - it does get better and easier to navigate.

.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Heartbroken, why are you trying for a new relationship than? stop... just work on your self.. dating is not going to help.. I feel lonley also, but the last thing I want is another relationship, nor am ready for one. Go out with men friends or woman that understand your not ready for a relationship. dont add that extra stress to what your already dealing with. Give yourself time to heal than you can truly give the other person what they deserve, not half of you...What if you meet the right woman now but its the wrong time and she says no thank youuuuuu hes not ready for a relationship....


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

DRC2, That is my biggest issue right now. It is the loneliness. I can't stand it! I go home to an empty house every day. There is no one there. I always looked forward to coming home to my wife, kissing her and telling her that I loved her. There are also things throughout the house that remind me of her. I want to have a family of my own and I have it in my mind that my time is limited. I miss the companionship that I had. 

I don't have the greatest confidence in finding someone anyway. Usually when they see my picture they print it out, take it down to their basement and hang it on the wall to keep the rats away! That is how low my self esteem is right now. I know I need the time to heal but I desperately want another female in my life who will love me the way I deserve to be loved.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> DRC2, That is my biggest issue right now. It is the loneliness. I can't stand it! I go home to an empty house every day. There is no one there. I always looked forward to coming home to my wife, kissing her and telling her that I loved her. There are also things throughout the house that remind me of her. I want to have a family of my own and I have it in my mind that my time is limited. I miss the companionship that I had.
> 
> I desperately want another female in my life who will love me the way I deserve to be loved.


Get a dog...a spayed dog


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Actually a dog is a good idea, unconditional love.... I understand About not valuing yourself, however.... Your wife chose you didnt she? There is someone out there for you, but you want it to be the best person, who hold herself in high regard and who will hold you in high regard. Not someone who will settle for you but who will love you you for the wonderful kind, generious, funny, giving, caring man that she has always been looking for. Develop those qualities. Make that stbxw of yours regret with her whole heart that she could have had you forever!!! Get ready for to be the best person you can be for you, for your family members for your future wife and future children and in years to come I hoep I pass you on the street with your whole brood and think what a wonderful family!!! and I hope I see the dog too.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

On second thought - make it a neutered male. 

You've already had a b*tch and it didn't work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

old timer said:


> On second thought - make it a neutered male.
> 
> You've already had a b*tch and it didn't work out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Lol! Idk why but i needed that laugh. Hang in,there HBP youVe came a long way. I know it doesnt seem that way, but read your old posts. As someone else said "find your balls"!! You can do this! 

You DO NOT need her in your life to be happy, to survive etc. people come inti your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. Take the lesson and keep movin forward!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

mama2five said:


> Lol! Idk why but i needed that laugh. Hang in,there HBP youVe came a long way. I know it doesnt seem that way, but read your old posts. As someone else said "find your balls"!! You can do this!
> 
> You DO NOT need her in your life to be happy, to survive etc. people come inti your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. Take the lesson and keep movin forward!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damn I need to take my own advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> On second thought - make it a neutered male.
> 
> You've already had a b*tch and it didn't work out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OT, Your right! At least I don't have to worry about the four legged kind cheating on me!..


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

mama2five said:


> Lol! Idk why but i needed that laugh. Hang in,there HBP youVe came a long way. I know it doesnt seem that way, but read your old posts. As someone else said "find your balls"!! You can do this!
> 
> You DO NOT need her in your life to be happy, to survive etc. people come inti your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. Take the lesson and keep movin forward!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


M2F, Thanks for the advice. I am trying to believe that God does in fact have a plan for me. The problem is that I want that plan to come to fruition now and I know that it doesn't work that way. As far as my STBXW goes, I know without a shadow of a doubt that she can not be trusted. I realize that she doesn't define me and that I do not need her in my life. I honestly thought I knew my wife well and never thought that she would do what she has done.

I don't have to answer for it though. I was always faithful to her. Too bad she didn't share the same morals and values. But hey, it's her loss, I have a lot to offer my future wife and I need to realize that. I am looking forward to the day when I hear that she has hit rock bottom and finally wakes up to what she walked away from. She had a great life with me and she will reap what she sows.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Today is kind of a somber day for me. I am at the half way point; another 45 days until my D is final and I am a free man!  I still think about her all the time and I do miss her but I am not her door mat or her plan B. She chose to cheat, leave me behind and there are consequences for doing so. I keep second guessing filing as early as I did and also the way I chose to handle my version of the 180 but given the circumstances I needed to grow a pair and do exactly what I did.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

If nothing else, you saved your dignity and self-respect.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Today is kind of a somber day for me. I am at the half way point; another 45 days until my D is final and I am a free man!  I still think about her all the time and I do miss her but I am not her door mat or her plan B. She chose to cheat, leave me behind and there are consequences for doing so. I keep second guessing filing as early as I did and also the way I chose to handle my version of the 180 but given the circumstances I needed to grow a pair and do exactly what I did.


Even though you filed for D. It was not the final say, did she come to you and show remorse and say just do a legal separation for now, I will do whatever I need to do to show you that not only do I deeply regret my actions and my hurting you but that I want to make our marriage a better marriage? As you have said many times you are taking the steps to improve you, and to become the man that you want to be for yourself and for a future with someone that will appreciate it. That is all you can do, you can’t change someone else, no matter how much you may try to help them they have to want to be that better person and committed to the relationship. If they want to be free, you have to let them go….


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> Even though you filed for D. It was not the final say, did she come to you and show remorse and say just do a legal separation for now, I will do whatever I need to do to show you that not only do I deeply regret my actions and my hurting you but that I want to make our marriage a better marriage? As you have said many times you are taking the steps to improve you, and to become the man that you want to be for yourself and for a future with someone that will appreciate it. That is all you can do, you can’t change someone else, no matter how much you may try to help them they have to want to be that better person and committed to the relationship. If they want to be free, you have to let them go….


DRC2,

She has expressed absolutely no remorse or interest in saving our marriage. The last time we communicated she told me that she still thinks about me and feels terrible about what she did but there is nothing she can do to change that. She then went on to say that the love that is required for her to stay my wife is not there and then she stated that she felt that we are going the right direction with the divorce. So I replied with a letting go letter and I haven't communicated with her since.

She is free now, she can sleep with whoever she wants, get trashed every weekend, and do all the things that she has always wanted to. I am no longer there to hold her back so she has the life she always wanted. It is all about her now, to he!! with me as I see it.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

So than you did not mis-handle anything... you need to cut yourself some slack with that. You have enough sadness and regrets just over the fact of having a failed marriage and a betraying spouse. You do not need about to have regret over how "you may" have miss-handled the 180. Just keep remembering that she chose to cheat. She could have come to you before she chose to cheat and said "it’s not working” but she didn’t. One of the things I keep stressing within myself is to not go off in my mind on tangents but to remember the facts and the truth. It stops a lot of my surmising and drifting off to what if's. You know, I just hate the pain, not just mine but what I hear from so many others. Its so needless. We can’t do anything about our loved ones dying or getting ill, we usually can’t do too much about the injustices we see played out in our country as well as all over the world. But that the people who are supposed to love us the most, willingly choose to hurt us...? And sometimes choose to over and over again? Thank God for the laughter and things in our life that can still make us smile and give us hope though (like my new grandson) otherwise we would be doomed don’t you think.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> We can’t do anything about our loved ones dying or getting ill, we usually can’t do too much about the injustices we see played out in our country as well as all over the world. But that the people who are supposed to love us the most, willingly choose to hurt us...? And sometimes choose to over and over again? Thank God for the laughter and things in our life that can still make us smile and give us hope though (like my new grandson) otherwise we would be doomed don’t you think.


DRC2,

I think you hit the nail on the head with that one. I loved my wife with everything that is in me, and then to have her betray me the way she did just devastated me! I just don't understand how someone that I loved so much can just flip the switch and turn her love for me off the way she did. What's even more hurtful to me is the fact that I have already been replaced with another man who is currently separated from his second marriage and he has 7 kids to 2 different women! I saw her and him and the whole brood at the store over the weekend. We all know how it will end but it sure looks to me that she is living the life!

This weekend I was doing some cleaning and came across some cards she had given me where she said I was the best thing that has ever happened to her and that she would love me forever. Yeah, I broke down, but after my breakdown I became angry and ran both of them through the shredder!  There is always something there to remind me. But I am at the point where all I need to do is think about the betrayal, the cheating, the complete disregard for my feelings, and her actions and I experience the anger which helps me to keep it together and not break down crying again.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> DRC2,
> 
> I think you hit the nail on the head with that one. I loved my wife with everything that is in me, and then to have her betray me the way she did just devastated me! I just don't understand how someone that I loved so much can just flip the switch and turn her love for me off the way she did. What's even more hurtful to me is the fact that I have already been replaced with another man who is currently separated from his second marriage and he has 7 kids to 2 different women! I saw her and him and the whole brood at the store over the weekend. We all know how it will end but it sure looks to me that she is living the life!
> 
> This weekend I was doing some cleaning and came across some cards she had given me where she said I was the best thing that has ever happened to her and that she would love me forever. Yeah, I broke down, but after my breakdown I became angry and ran both of them through the shredder!  There is always something there to remind me. But I am at the point where all I need to do is think about the betrayal, the cheating, the complete disregard for my feelings, and her actions and I experience the anger which helps me to keep it together and not break down crying again.


Glad too see your doing better HBP! Keep going up the mountain 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Dont get discourged by those crying moments, its all part of it you will swing back and forth for a while but it will get better!


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Wow! An old friend that I haven't seen in years see's me and tells me my STBXW is the new town [email protected]@! I calmly told him yeah I know that is why I am divorcing her slu** @ss! I thought I knew her well but it turns out that I sure didn't! I will never understand what got into her but I just have to believe that God did this to get me out while I still could with minimal impact. Not that the impact has been minimal by any means but that it could have been much worse.

Believe it or not I am getting better, I still have my ups and my downs but the ups seem to be more than the downs. It is and continues to be difficult to accept the life that she has chosen but she has to live with it, I don't. I have been chatting with women on line and my overall self esteem has improved. I have been speaking with several interested women and it has helped that aspect of things.

I have learned a lot through TAM, the books I have read, and life experience with her. It has been a very painful ride and I know that it could happen again but I am going to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. I know that I am a great man of integrity and a catch for the right woman. I have a lot to offer her. My STBXW will never know how stupid she was to do what she has done, it really is her loss and not mine.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

That's the spirit
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Wow! An old friend that I haven't seen in years see's me and tells me my STBXW is the new town [email protected]@! I calmly told him yeah I know that is why I am divorcing her slu** @ss! I thought I knew her well but it turns out that I sure didn't! I will never understand what got into her but I just have to believe that God did this to get me out while I still could with minimal impact. Not that the impact has been minimal by any means but that it could have been much worse.
> 
> Believe it or not I am getting better, I still have my ups and my downs but the ups seem to be more than the downs. It is and continues to be difficult to accept the life that she has chosen but she has to live with it, I don't. I have been chatting with women on line and my overall self esteem has improved. I have been speaking with several interested women and it has helped that aspect of things.
> 
> I have learned a lot through TAM, the books I have read, and life experience with her. It has been a very painful ride and I know that it could happen again but I am going to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. I know that I am a great man of integrity and a catch for the right woman. I have a lot to offer her. My STBXW will never know how stupid she was to do what she has done, it really is her loss and not mine.



This is the stuff I like to read! Way to go.HBP!!	Im so glad your feeling better. Good luck with everything! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Last week I got a message from my STBXW asking me when she can come get the rest of her stuff. I replied and set it up for Saturday. I cleaned out the entire house and put everything she owned into garbage bags and set them outside my home for her to pick up on Saturday. She arrived with some friends and took it all. She then messages me again on Sunday wanting somethings she didn't get. So again I set those items outside. She shows up with the guy that she has been f'ing! He was driving and he proceeds to get out of his car and put some clothes of mine in front of my home while she picks up the other items that she wanted.

I was making some progress but when I saw him and her get out of that SUV my blood boiled! It was all I could do to not go out and confront her and become violent. When she left I sent her a message telling her to never bring him onto my property again! She replied stating it was the only vehicle she could get.
She sent me another message yesterday telling me that she didn't mean to upset me and it was not what it seemed. He is only a friend and nothing more and I can believe what I want to believe.:scratchhead: I replied and told her that it is no longer what I think but what I know. I told her he is her friend with benefits and that I had seen that vehicle at her apartment at 4 in the morning but I didn't know who it was and now I do. I don't understand why she continues to lie to me about it? I know I sound like a big baby but when he got out of that suv at my home I fell to my knees and cried! I feel like I am back to where I was 3 months ago! How can someone that I loved so much be so cruel and heartless now?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Because she's a heartless biyatch who doesn't give a damn about you. 

Accept that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> Because she's a heartless biyatch who doesn't give a damn about you.
> 
> Accept that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks OT,

I know that is true. I don't question that at all anymore but why does she lie about what is going on? I have seen her with him a few times and she knows it so what is the point? Do you think she still thinks I am plan B? If so she must be smoking some strong stuff!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Pretty simple: 
She's a liar - that's why she continues to lie. 

Why do you care? 
Are you hoping that she still considers coming back to you if OM doesn't work out?

That's what I'm hearing you say between the lines.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

She got EXACTLY what she was hoping to get, a reaction from you. 
That is what I don’t understand, why are they still trying to push our buttons to get a reaction out of us. Why do they want to drive the nail deeper? Yes I think it does have something to do with being heartless but its more than that. She should be happy right? She has the life style she wants to have and yet it’s not satisfying enough. I have to make him hurt even more! I totally believe she did it on purpose just the way that I think my stbxh sent me that email yesterday of my dogs in pow's home.
I think she didn’t like how you had placed all her things outside and she was "getting you back". I’m not sure what I did to piss my stbxh off but I’m sure it’s something. They are not satisfied that they broke our hearts, they still want to inflict as much damage as possible to prove they have some control over us and the situation. That’s what it’s about.. Control!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Good take on that, drc2. 

Never let em see you sweat. 

It's tough sometimes, but we gotta "fake it til we make it". 

And we WILL make it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> Good take on that, drc2.
> 
> Never let em see you sweat.
> 
> ...


OT,

She didn't see me sweat, I was in my home when I broke down and she did not see me. I must be the poster child for co-dependance because when I saw her with him at my home I broke down. I don't really know why I did though? I know she doesn't care about me. Her actions have spoken that to me loud and clear. I am trying to heal and be happy again but this last week was a extreme setback for me. Packing up all her stuff and getting rid of it was very emotional for me and then to see her with him put me over the edge.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Yeh but when you sent her that text, she got the reaction she wanted and "knew" she got to you, I guarantee it!
One thing as a woman, "we" do know how to hurt if we want to. Most women realize that we can never take that hurt back so we choose not to say the words or do the actions that we know could bring someone to their knees, but we do know how to hit below the belt.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> Yeh but when you sent her that text, she got the reaction she wanted and "knew" she got to you, I guarantee it!
> One thing as a woman, "we" do know how to hurt if we want to. Most women realize that we can never take that hurt back so we choose not to say the words or do the actions that we know could bring someone to their knees, but we do know how to hit below the belt.


DRC2,

You are correct, it did get to me and it brought me to my knees crying my eyes out. It wasn't like I caught her banging him but it was close enough for me, either way it hurt me beyond belief! I don't know why she did that and I never will but I made it quite clear that I am well aware of the affair she is having. Does it break my heart knowing, yes it does! But I am no longer open to the gas-lighting that she was trying to make me believe. I know the truth and as painful as it is to accept, it offers some closure that will hopefully help my broken heart to heal.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

It’s so hard to accept the truth sometimes, yet in the long run I think we have learned that its harder to live with our rose-colored glasses still on. Don’t they understand that if we wanted to be vindictive we could also bring them to their knees with our words or actions? We just choose not to degrade ourselves and stoop to their level.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

DRC2, 

The truth is a bitter pill to swallow for me. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. My happiness was based on her and I became co-dependent and worshiped the ground she walked on. I was a beta with her, she walked all over me, I was her doormat. I avoided confrontation at all costs and I regret doing so. Now I am all alone, I have absolutely no one to turn to for help. No family, friends don't want to be bothered with my issues and I don't want to bother them either, and my IC has been of very little help.

Being a social introvert, I had no social life before all of this happened and now my self esteem is at an all time low. Getting back out there just isn't happening. I lack the self confidence to get out there and do so. My STBXW was very attractive and I always questioned why she "appeared" to want to be with me. She told me when she was moving out that she never loved me the way I loved her and I asked her why she married me and she said that she thought things would get better but they didn't.

I will never understand why she cheated on me, I never saw it or suspected it, in fact it never crossed my mind. What scares me is that I did not see the real "her" at the time and although I thought that I could "see" someone for what they really are, I didn't. Now I am forced to try to find someone else because of my lack of insight into what she really was. My STBXW has left me with a feeling of dis-trust for women. I don't know if I will ever trust someone with my heart again. I hate this pain and sorrow I am going through and I don't want to have to go through it again. 

I have joined several of the dating sites and most women won't even reply to any attempt at conversation with them. I have always had issues with my self esteem, I don't consider myself attractive by any means. I believe they see my picture and that is all it takes. Losing my wife / marriage has always been one of my greatest fears and now it is reality and there is nothing that I can do about it. Today I feel like I felt when she looked at me and said that she couldn't be trusted and that she had cheated on me. It's like this whole nightmare has started over. I am a good man and like they say, nice guys always finish last, at the rate I am going I just want to tap out and quit the race!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

heartbrokephobia said:


> DRC2,
> 
> My happiness was based on her and I became co-dependent and worshiped the ground she walked on. I was a beta with her, she walked all over me, I was her doormat. I avoided confrontation at all costs and I regret doing so. Now I am all alone, I have absolutely no one to turn to for help. No family, friends don't want to be bothered with my issues and I don't want to bother them either, and my IC has been of very little help.
> 
> ...


You just told us.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> DRC2,
> 
> I believe they see my picture and that is all it takes. Losing my wife / marriage has always been one of my greatest fears and now it is reality and there is nothing that I can do about it. Today I feel like I felt when she looked at me and said that she couldn't be trusted and that she had cheated on me. It's like this whole nightmare has started over. I am a good man and like they say, nice guys always finish last, at the rate I am going I just want to tap out and quit the race!


Ok, my first comment would be if you’re still in love with stbxw why are you on a dating site? You’re not ready for it. :scratchhead: You have a broken heart and broken self-esteem. You do not need to be someplace where you believe you are getting some value or not through your picture or your witty conversation. I understand that it’s a catch 22, we would love to be able to dis-connect and think another person can help us do that. Maybe they can but at what risk, if we haven’t fully developed our self and taken the time to wait until our heart is healed what will further rejection do or even yet wonder if you end up with someone and 5 years down the line say she was just a “love” rebound. I don’t really feel that strongly about her. Now you’re going to have two wounded people… Give it some additional time. 

Second: I would bet you anything, and I’m a pretty good gambler, that its not your picture however that is not getting the responses from woman.. It’s probably how you worded your profile; we can sense guys that aren’t over their previous relationship and stay clear.....Dont quit!! I feel like that quite a bit, I just told my IC that last night....I get my head to wrapped around all the past and the what if's and what he is doing now, or what did he mean by that. Dis-connecting is HARD.. I want it over now so the pain will be gone.. but its not and it wont be over for a while yet.. we have to do what others before us have done and others after us are going to have to do.. Just accept this is our reality, make what we can better in our lives, change our focus and get rid of the trash and make sure it stays gone.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You just told us.


Your right, Hindsight is 20/20. One thing I never understood was why some of my friends treated their wives like dirt and they are still together. I resolved long ago that I would never do that but it turns out becoming co-dependent was the worst thing I could do. I am responsible for her cheating, I got no one to blame but myself. Thanks for your input.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

heartbrokephobia said:


> Your right, Hindsight is 20/20. One thing I never understood was why some of my friends treated their wives like dirt and they are still together. I resolved long ago that I would never do that but it turns out becoming co-dependent was the worst thing I could do. I am responsible for her cheating, I got no one to blame but myself. Thanks for your input.


Brother,

She still owns her cheating behavior.

It's on no one but her.

But, your issues maximized your chances of losing her.

Life is so ironic in that what we are most fearful of is what our actions lead us into.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Brother,
> 
> Life is so ironic in that what we are most fearful of is what our actions lead us into.


I agree Conrad, I wish I had known better but I obviously did not.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

heartbrokephobia said:


> I agree Conrad, I wish I had known better but I obviously did not.


It's never too late to get right with yourself.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

Conrad said:


> It's never too late to get right with yourself.


I am trying Conrad and I really want to move on and get on with my life. I am still not over her as much as I would like to be, I am not. Any man in their right mind would have made her move out when she told him that she had cheated but not me. I held onto hope foolishly praying to God that he would step in and save our marriage, obviously that will never happen. I am the poster child for co-dependency and I do believe that she would not have committed adultery if I would have had children with her and done things differently. I know my actions justified her actions in her mind.

Despite the IC I can't shake this sorrow and pain that I feel. I despise the way I feel. It has been 4 months now, why do I still feel that I need her in my life to be happy after all that she has done to hurt me? Do you think it is due to the loneliness or lack of self esteem or entirely my co-dependence? I think my mind is my own worst enemy right now because all I have done this last week is think about her showing up with him at my home and seeing him get out of his vehicle in my driveway. That act alone was devastating to me not to mention that I know he is f'ing my own wife! I am having a hell of a time dealing with this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Get a new counselor.

You need one that will challenge you.

Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

My stbx' A bothered me for about 4 months. Then something kind of "clicked" in my mind: "If she doesn't want me, that's cool. What's done is done, nothing I can really do about it now anyway - time to get about doing what's best for ME". 

Whatever my mistakes in the marriage cannot be changed...her's either. We both could have done better for each other. I hate it turned out this way, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

hbp - I truly hope you come to such an epiphany soon.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

old timer said:


> My stbx' A bothered me for about 4 months. Then something kind of "clicked" in my mind: "If she doesn't want me, that's cool. What's done is done, nothing I can really do about it now anyway - time to get about doing what's best for ME".
> 
> Whatever my mistakes in the marriage cannot be changed...her's either. We both could have done better for each other. I hate it turned out this way, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
> 
> hbp - I truly hope you come to such an epiphany soon.


I hope I get there too OT. I am critical of myself right now and I just feel as though I wasn't good enough for her and that is why she dumped me. She swears up and down that it was the kids issue but that is something that could have been corrected in the future. After I got my medical issue resolved she said that she has raised her child and she doesn't want any more kids ever!!! I think she just used that to justify her past and current behavior to give her reason in her mind (the hamster from the book) to convince herself that under the circumstances there is nothing wrong with cheating.

Her A really does bother me, that is the part that I am struggling with most right now. I know I need to accept that she doesn't want me, doesn't care about me, and that I don't cross her mind but that pill keeps getting stuck in my throat. I really am needy and co-dependent ain't I? I guess I won't get the chance to change that until if and when I begin a new relationship. I do know one thing though, what I did in the past sure as hell didn't work and I will be reminded of that the rest of my life!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Phobes,

Are you "really" going to let the opinion of one person destroy your own self-image?

Think on that one a bit.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> I hope I get there too OT. I am critical of myself right now and I just feel as though I wasn't good enough for her and that is why she dumped me. She swears up and down that it was the kids issue but that is something that could have been corrected in the future. After I got my medical issue resolved she said that she has raised her child and she doesn't want any more kids ever!!! I think she just used that to justify her past and current behavior to give her reason in her mind (the hamster from the book) to convince herself that under the circumstances there is nothing wrong with cheating.
> 
> Her A really does bother me, that is the part that I am struggling with most right now. I know I need to accept that she doesn't want me, doesn't care about me, and that I don't cross her mind but that pill keeps getting stuck in my throat. I really am needy and co-dependent ain't I? I guess I won't get the chance to change that until if and when I begin a new relationship. I do know one thing though, what I did in the past sure as hell didn't work and I will be reminded of that the rest of my life!


hbp how are you doing? Please check in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

mama2five said:


> hbp how are you doing? Please check in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


M2F,

I am actually doing very well. I can't explain it but I believe that I have found my new soul-mate. We seem to have so much in common and it really is like an act of God that we found each other. She shares my faith, she wants children, and we really have hit it off well. I just can't get over how well it has went so far. It's almost too good to be true but I do believe that God has brought us together. I honestly didn't think I would get over my STBXW but she doesn't cross my mind very often anymore. I was told that God has someone better for me and I am really thinking that he is/has delivered on that promise.

I know that things could still go south at anytime but I am optimistic that things will continue to progress into a long lasting relationship. I am really thankful for this website, it really has been a blessing to me and very helpful with my situation. Having some place to vent and get feedback from people here has been a Godsend for me.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: It's Over!*

Well TAM folks my nightmare has ended! Our divorce was final 3 weeks ago. I have been out on several dates and my morale has improved. I don't know why I felt so critical about my appearance, I guess I really was my own worst critic. I made up my mind that I am going to be "picky" this time around. I think I have found the one who meets everything I am looking for but I still have my guard up so to speak. 

I am lucky that my divorce did not get at all nasty and I am thankful to God that her true colors came to light before we started a family. Everything that was her's is gone out of my life and although I am lonely right now having her stuff gone was a step in the right direction. I want to thank everyone here for your support during my ordeal. There were times when I just wanted to give up but you all provided the encouragement and non sugarcoated advice that I needed. The whole process was the worst thing I had even been through but I survived thanks to TAM.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Good to see you're moving forward. 

Please, please, please - do not get into a relationship too soon just because you don't like being alone. 

We're always here if you need support. 

Good luck. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I ditto Old Timers post.. Glad to see you are moving forward with your life and that healing has begun. however it takes longer than you know, and if you try to rush it and rush a new relationship the healing will only take longer.


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