# Need advice and insight from men.....



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I've been married to my husband for nearly 11 years, we have 2 kids.

I've never learned to handle money and did get into debt about 4 years ago. 

Before that, I've been living paycheck to paycheck.

My husband makes about 3 times as much as me working in law enforcement and being retired from the Army. 

I never told him about my debt, because I was embarrassed. 

He pays all the bills (mortgage, utilities, car ins, health ins etc.) and I pay everything for the kids (daycare, clothing, toys etc.).

Our relationship hasn't been the same for 2 months, bickering, fighting, no sex or anything else. 

He's told me he's so mad at me because he's sick of the mess in the house (which I can't understand because according to my friends our house is far away from being messy), but then again, he's been in the Army and has a extreme sense of cleanliness. 

So I told him to let me know when he's not mad anymore, so we can make love again. 

Well he didn't say anything for 2 months.

Then on Labor Day Sunday he told me he wants a divorce. 

I was shocked. 

He said he had seen a psychiatrist a couple of times now, since he feels stressed out lately and it turns out he's got a major depression. 

I've done a lot of research on the internet and to me it seems he could very well have PTSD.

He said he's not happy in his life anymore, he hasn't been for years now and he doesn't love me anymore. 

He says he loves me as the mother of his children, but in his heart there is just emptiness. 

I was floored.

We talked a lot and it turns out he has several issues with me that made him fall out of love with me.

He's asked me all through our relationship to go back to school and get a higher degree to get a better paying job. 

But I never did. 

I did a lot of research on it, but I never did go through with it.

The mess in the house drove him nuts.

My spending and not saving, him having to pay all the bills by himself frustrates him.

And then the sex issue. 

When he's mad at me (about the other things stated) I don't want to sleep with him, but he thinks I don't love him anymore because of that......vicious cycle....

He said he has to take care of himself (his health and well being) now and to get better, he needs to divorce me.

He said he needs me to move out and already made a list of when the kids will be where. 

After all that I told him that I never thought that I've hurt him so much, that I never wanted to hurt him (he developed an ulcer and a kidney stone) and I've always loved him, still love him and always will. 

He started crying so hard, I've never seen him cry so bad.

In fact....my husband doesn't cry....ever....so that means a lot.

He asked me to not talk about it for a couple of days and we'll see where it goes.

That night I was laying in bed with him and when I woke up he was cuddling up on me. 

We have a king size bed and we both sleep close to the edge on our side and he hasn't cuddled with me for over 2 months. 

Monday I didn't talk to him about it and he cuddled up with me again.

Just cuddling nothing else. 

On Tuesday I started talking about it again and he said he hasn't changed his mind. 

I said "Do you know that you've cuddled up with me the last 2 days in bed?" and he said, no and that he didn't do that.

What the heck? Is it his heart playing tricks on him? 

Is there love left in his heart, but he just doesn't want to admit it?

I had a long talk with a friend who is (I didn't know that) going through a similar situation at the moment and that helped me a lot. 

I've made my decision. 

I am trying my hardest to be civil with him, help him out as much as I can. 

We sat together and made a payment plan and with this I know I'll get rid of the debt in no time. 

As a matter of fact I've already paid off more than I have in the last 6 months :smthumbup: .

I've got information from a friend about going to college and that is the next thing on my list.

I started to think about my appearance too. 

He met me when I was 125 lbs and a fun girl to be with. 

Now I'm 180 lbs and don't take good care about myself anymore. 

Yes, I've had two kids, but I've always wanted to be a hot and desirable mommy and wife. 

Maybe that's part of his problem too? 

I don't know if it will make a difference for him, make him change his mind, but I'm going to try anything to prove to him that I'm ready to get my life back on track !!!

I still live in our (his) house with him and the kids....we're nice and civil with each other....eat dinner together and....we have sex.

He kept cuddling with me shortly after he told me he wants a divorce and but denied he was doing it, or he said he must have been just horny.....

One morning he woke up by the alarm and had to realize he WAS cuddling with me (not in the horny way).....that's when I told him if he wanted more to let me know (mistake ???)....

That very same night he pulled me over on his side of the bed and started hugging me so tight like he never wants to let me go....

He sounded like he was sobbing a little and then we kissed and hugged, kissed again and fell asleep holding each other....no sex.....

The next night we had sex....and from then on every night so far for the last couple of weeks....

We've never made love as long and passionate as now (even though he doesn't get an orgasm probably because of the depression).....

He is acting kind of weird though....

When I tell him something funny the kids did he reacts like he used to....smiling.... and then it's like he flipped a switch and he gets this sad and depressed look on his face again....

I don't know what to think of it....

Do you have any advice as to what I should do ?????

I don't want to get a divorce because he's the love of my life and I know....I just know....he still loves me (at least a little bit)....

He got a letter from the divorce lawyer on Friday saying we need to go to a class regarding the kids before anything is moving forward...

We haven't had sex since Friday when the letter came....what do you make of this ???

I'm hoping he'll change his mind, but unfortunately the changes I'm making aren't moving on fast enough....

He sees the money issue getting better....slowly....

He sees me loose weight....well maybe he does, I don't know how visible 10-15 lbs are for a man.....

He sees that I have an appointment for a test to start college classes (since I'm a foreign citizen I have to take a test to prove that I speak English good enough to go to college)....

He sees me getting the house picked up better.....

But it all is just happening really slowly....to slow for my taste.....

So.....what would you suggest I should do....

How should I be around him....

I would love nothing more than to reconcile before a divorce.....

Do you see a chance ???

If so what do I need to do to make it happen ???

You are men....you know how male brains work.....

Help me please !!!!!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You summarized many of the reasons that I came to resent my ex. 

To your credit, you recognize the situation and are trying to make changes. That is what you should focus on. 

He is unsure and confused. Be sure and confident. We had none of the up-sides that you describe. Your circumstances definitely have the potential for success, you simply both have to keep moving in that direction rather than waiting for one or the other to 'fix' it. 

Honestly, it seems to me like you are doing the right things. What he is probably wondering is whether or not the changes you are making are a desperate act, or if they are changes you want to make and maintain moving forward.

People often feel this need to 'get it over with'. That mentality serves very few circumstances when it comes to divorce.

He obviously has doubts about being able to build a life with you, but it seems apparent that he does love you. So, show him that you want to build a life with him too.

Honestly, of the items you indicated, cleanliness, being financially responsible, work, and feeling like your partner has abandoned you, all of those things were in my marriage as well. I felt like I was the only one that was expected to deal with, and address every single issue we faced - even the ones she created. It was overwhelming and extraordinarily stressful.

She still hasn't changed much. Even with someone new in her life, she still hasn't looked for a job, and the house is perpetually a mess. 

That isn't your case. Sounds like you are on the right track. Do the things you need to, don't tell him you are going to do them - just do them. I think both of you will start to feel better about your relationship.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks so much, Deejo !!!!

His therapist has told him to not be fooled....he said pretty much that I won't ever change.....

Just because my husband told him that he's been asking me to change those things through the years and I haven't done anything about it.....

But this time it's different....I've realized what I've actually done to my beloved husband......

I've realized how much of a burden I put on him and it makes me mad now to think about all the money I've spent on my job (buying toys, books and stuff for my class) where I should have saved it....

I'm upset that I could have a well paid job if I just would've taken classes when he was still in the Army....and they would've been paid for....

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

My life could be so much better now, but I've screwed it up to the point where I might lose the love of my life  ......

I believe that any other man would possibly give us another chance seeing the changes I've made and am making, but I'm afraid my husband is thinking: I've gone this far I can't turn back even though I would love to reconcile....

Do you know what I mean ?!?!

He's not a man to admit if he's wrong and..........I just don't know what will be.....

Maybe thinking of the boys will change his mind....he could always say that he's only giving us a chance for the sake of the boys....

Which I wouldn't mind if he's just giving us a chance........


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

His therapist did not think out that thought very well if he told him you would never change. It sounds like that is your husband's words or interpretation and not the therpist's. He maybe could have said that most people don't change, but some do. For example, I smoked for 25 years and quit and have sustained it for years. People have heart attacks and suddenly can find the will to lose weight and maintain a healthy diet. People CAN change. 

It sounds like you are making the right changes and your husband still needs to gain trust that the changes are indeed genuine. Continue to do the right things and he will eventually see it.

Another thing your husband will eventually realize (and his therapist should help him understand this) is that if he has depression, blaming you for it is not going to resolve his issues. Leaving you is not going to resolve it or remove the stress or financial burdens because you will still have to share responsibility for the children's well being.

It really does sound to me that you are doing everything right. That is very rare, because it is easy to let your emotions take over and force poor decisions. 

Good job and good luck to you!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't want to sound arrogant. But please read 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/16437-how-i-treat-my-husband.html

I think a lot of men want a wife like this.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

D&A, you’ve certainly thought it all through and are well on the way to making positive changes. People do change but often they need a traumatic event, a wake up call, to initiate and undertake those changes You’re wake up call is as far as I can see your husband actually starting the divorce process. I’m guessing you’ve probably looked both into the past and into the future and have made your mind up that you want to keep your husband.

I think your husband is seeing the change in you. But keep in mind he has been struggling with the “issues” for years and although he will want to believe in the changes he’s probably afraid of accepting them as real and lasting.

I think one of the biggest problem you have as far as your husband accepting your changes for real is his psychiatrist. I think that was a naïve and very wrong thing for the psychiatrist to tell your husband. So your husband has two issues re your changes. His own personal innate and understandable problem with accepting your changes as real plus his psychiatrist saying “people never change” backing up your husband’s “natural” feeling about it all.

But there in lies a massive problem. It’s like your husband’s psychiatrist is the third party keeping your husband on his path. But your husband is getting benefit from the psychiatrist so I don’t think it would be a good move to criticise the psychiatrist.

What I do think would be a good move is for the two of you to go to couples counselling. With the primary objective of “hoping” that the MC will have a totally different view and experience of partners in a marriage changing for the better as they go through life together.

Well done so far, I think you are doing really very well.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

D&A, when a person’s depressed they need solace, help and comfort when they are feeling sad or worried.

We know when we have solace, the very moment in time we have it. That moment is when tears literally come to our eyes. These are not the tears of joy that come to our eyes when we think of a loved one, neither are they the tears of pain when we’ve been hurt.

The tears of solace are a “release”. These tears are a release from our sadness and our worries. These tears are natures way of releasing us from those things and they are the start of coming out of depression.

I think what you have seen with your husbands crying are his tears of solace, tears of release. I think his moving next to you in bed and cuddling you, not wanting sex, is further comforting him.

I think the really magical thing is that you are the person he is sharing his tears of solace with and you are the person he seeks comfort from through cuddles. If he feared you, he wouldn't do that. Those are massive indications that he is hugely connected to you emotionally.

I think he was trying to emotionally “check out” from you although he seriously did not want to. He’s now seen some changes in you and I think because of that he is emotionally checking back in with you. His old wounds will be very tender so just kind of tread carefully.

I really do wish you all the best.

Bob


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