# How far does loyalty go?



## mt2 (Jun 2, 2011)

Hello all--I'm new here. My question is: How far does loyalty go with your spouse? My husband says I don't stand behind him and that I take my family's side all the time, in regards to the latest feud he has with my mom and a few other people in my family. He's holding a grudge against my mom mainly because she did not attend the wake of his mother, who died in November. She was very distraught about not being there, but she had a big trip planned and thought he would understand, as she has been there for him many times before. She also visited his mother before she died in hospice and said her last goodbyes then. My husband can't get over this betrayal and it's tearing the family apart. He won't speak to her, plus he holds grudges against other members of my family for one-time infractions that I won't get into here, all happening within the last year. He can't seem to get over this and when I tell him he's grieving and needs to deal with his emotions instead of pushing everyone away, he tells me I'm siding with my family and am not loyal to him. I have done everything he's asked, including not attending holidays or family functions with my family for the past six months, in hopes it would all blow over and he just needed time. But nothing is getting better. He has so much anger and won't even consider talking it out with a counselor. I insist I am not choosing my family over him; rather, that I just want peace and balance in our lives again, especially since we have two kids who love my family. He's recently gone so far as to say the kids can't see my parents anymore. How do I help him overcome his anger? My mom is willing to talk it out with him and he has agreed but he admits it won't be pretty. If it goes anything like how he yells at me, I fear it will just be a shouting match. Am I being disloyal if I can see both sides but feel he is overreacting and should learn to deal with his anger in a more productive way? How do you help someone who doesn't think he needs help? This is just destroying our marriage. I can't let him keep me and the kids from my family for HIS issues, not mine or the kids. He says I don't back him up and that I should join him in his angry grudge. This is my mom and family we're talking about here, whom we've had a great, close relationship in the past. I don't want to give that up because he can't come to terms with disappointment and just talk it out like an adult instead of carrying around all this hurt. Ignoring a person because you have a problem with them is his MO, and I just don't think it's right. He's done this with other friends and family members in the past. Insight please?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

mt2 said:


> I tell him he's grieving and needs to deal with his emotions instead of pushing everyone away


I have no idea how to handle your situation and your husband may just be a grudge holding jerk that there is no cure for I don't know. I can tell you this though. It's rarely a good idea to tell men what to do. They will push back and rebel in most instances.

What I'd do is respect his feelings/position but set healthy boundaries. This means he is free to feel however he feels but you won't allow it to affect your relationship with your mom. You'll compromise of course but you aren't going to say avoid Christmas just because he's mad. He's a grown man he can miss family functions and you will be happy to see him when you get back. I think trying to force this while he's obviously grieving isn't the best idea.


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## mt2 (Jun 2, 2011)

Thanks for your viewpoint. I have been patient with him but now it's really getting time to either move on or self-destruct, ya know? And it's hard to say "you don't have to come to Christmas with my family" because then he'll say, well you're not taking my kids with you, then! ERRRRRRR


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