# Why can't I stand my husband most of the time?



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I have been going to marriage counseling for six months now. When my husband knew things were really bad and I was not joking about leaving him, he promised me help out more. 

He won’t clean anything on his own, not even organize. 
He actually tells me that he does not make mess in our house at all, so he has no reason to clean anything. 
He said he will fold his laundry – he did that exactly twice in 3 months. Other time they were lying in pale next to his bed. 
He calls me lazy and b..tchy for not doing them, that I have no excuse for it.

I do work same hours in my regular job as he does, once a week in second job and I almost always bake for people on weekends. 
Besides that, he wants me to take care about the house on my own. I am tired of this and his attitude. 
He says he is busy too but I see him so often laying on the couch and online shopping, playing golf with friends or fishing. 
Then, I feel like I cannot stand him! 
His criticizing, his complains about other people and calling them ugly names behind their back, his answering my questions with question, his negativity and anger...

Usually, when he washes his hand in the kitchen and I am there, he will grab my butt and leave my clothes wet. I cannot stand that feeling and he knows it but does it anyway. 
I am also starting to feel like I can’t deal with his touch, his saliva on my neck…It is weird feeling. 

I am allergic to the way he eats…just like little piggy…as if somebody would steal it from him and that sound he makes is unbearable. I always have to leave the room or I will go crazy. 

Everything is always my fault and I am so tired of it. I feel like screaming. It hurts to see what’s left from our relationship. 
I just don’t know how to deal with the way he acts towards me. I know I do mistakes too but he gets offensive when I try to explain something and how his behavior affects me. Why he pushes my buttons if he knows better than that and what my reaction would be?

I know he is a good man, he cooks sometimes and he drives me to places when I need, he does grocery shopping too. 
I don’t want to give up after almost 14 years, but I cannot imagine this going for much longer. We have no kids and I wish to have them soon but I am afraid how he would help out then. What to do? My counselor said to kill him with kindness…So impossible most of the time.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

What an exasperating, frustrating state of affairs!

So, is he used to seeing you become frustrated, get mad, or even cry and totally lose it sometimes?

Change your response mechanism - takes practice. From reactive, to calm and unaffected. Walk out of the room if you become irritated by him, don't let him see it. If you can't reason with him for the time being, try to step back emotionally and temporarily detach - don't "do" or "respond" in the way he anticipates. It's giving him control and increasing your frustration.

This is a new technique for me, given hundreds of exasperating moments with H. Step back (literally and mentally), get busier with your own life and be responsible for your own happiness.

I'm not saying to play mind games, but in changing your response he will notice a difference, and eventually start to wonder what you're thinking. It's not easy, but it might help to start making you feel less exasperated and more in control of your own emotions.

My H has pressed buttons I didn't even know I had - I'm only just learning that my response to that has the power to either feed this, or kill it. 

Be cool, calm and watch...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Kill him with kindness? Your counselor sounds... well, let's just say that I think that's the worst possible idea here.

You don't like the man. You are not compatible with him. You don't want to be with him. So why do you stay? Because 14 years is just half (or less) of what you've committed to. He's the person he is. 

He isn't going to change the way he eats. He's not going to change his ability to perceive that laundry needs to be folded. He's always going to think grabbing your butt with wet hands is cute. 

If you cannot make yourself love and admire the man he is, set him free to find someone who does. In turn, you'll be free to find someone who is more suitable for your tastes, too.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle at the moment.

We have three choices:
1. Remove ourselves from the situation (leave)
2. Accept it
3. Change it (ok, a little trickier granted,,,we can only change ourselves, not others, start with your responses)


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

How long have you been married?

It sounds as though you have lost respect for your husband due to you not having your needs met which has lead to you being annoyed by his every move.

When was the last time you spent some time alone? Grab a girlfriend book a weekend/week away. Turn off your phone and have some time to yourself. Whenever anyone is driving me crazy taking a break from them works wonders.

If the lack of cleaning really affects you you could try what my friend and her bf do. Every Saturday morning they get up at a reasonable hour and spend the whole morning cleaning/tidying the house (its amazing how much can get done in a short amount of time). It is all done before lunch and you havent missed out on your fun weekend.

That way he has the encouragement of you cleaning with him and it isnt all left to you.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

He doesn't sound all that bad to me...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/79593-husband-vs-other-man.html


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

He doesn't meet your needs and you have gotten where you can't stand him. It happens to a lot of people. Sure you love him.

Killing them with kindness will only get you more sex, not better sex, it won't change him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like your done! stick a fork in it and move on!

or accept his good points and let the poor one roll off your back.

I'd like to hear his version. might be alot more even than what you think!


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Good Lord..let it go....!!

Sorry but..if you have a hubby that's at least willing to help you out a little bit..appreciate it.

Or would you rather have a couch potatoe addicted to the remote...a beer suckng bar fly? 

I think you're pretty lucky. Guys like your hubby are very rare.

Think about it.....


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Sounds like you are looking for a cleaning lady. Hire someone to come in once a week. You are never going to be able to make him want to do things around the house if in 14 years he hasn't. You just can't change people that don't want to be changed. 

OT what is the meaning of your username? What are you guilty about?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's because you are in an affair fog and focusing your attention on the OM.

Divorce your husband. Tell him the truth.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

First: The affair will make you see your H through $hit colored glasses. The OM is twice divorced *for good reasons *(he's no prize!)



AwfullyGuilty said:


> He won’t clean anything on his own, not even organize.
> He actually tells me that he does not make mess in our house at all, so he has no reason to clean anything.
> He said he will fold his laundry – he did that exactly twice in 3 months. Other time they were lying in pale next to his bed.
> He calls me lazy and b..tchy for not doing them, that I have no excuse for it.


The name calling sounds like projection. (ie he is lazy and b..tchy and projecting it onto you).

I think you should drop any nagging or complaining about what he does with his own laundry. If you want it out of sight, buy him a hamper and stow the pile in it.

As far as the groping, my H used to do that and I hated it. It says to me that you have poor boundaries. Perhaps you were sexually abused/molested in childhood? My husband stopped a decades long habit of that kind of behavior once I got a backbone and started standing up for myself. 

Firm voice and jerk yourself away from him "knock it off! I hate it when you do that!". The other thing I did was grab his balls hard when he was on a ladder and say "you do it to me. I thought I'd try your approach and see how you like it". He doesn't molest me anymore when I am busy doing chores.

And I agree with whoever said to hire a cleaning lady. BTDT and it helps.


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