# Lost and confused, 5 years in the trash?



## Confusedlady1214 (Feb 12, 2020)

There is a lot of history between us so ill do by best to shorten it.

We’ve been together 5 1/2 years, we have a 4 year old. When we started of dating it was wonderful, but i got pregnant only after 3 months.

I never had doubts until the pregnancy hormones or whatever made me start looking deeper into things and overthinking select words. His attitude towards me changed, he worked a 2nd job even before the baby was born. 

So i felt alone towards the end of it. The day after i gave birth by c section i cried on the floor in the hospital for almost an hour until he realized i was gone. 

He refused to help me change the baby bc he was tired but as a new mom i had never changed a diaper i put it on wrong and it was just a mess. I couldnt get down breastfeeding so that made me feel worse.

Typical post partum blues you know? But it didnt end there, between the lack of sleep as new parents and feeling embarrassed over my new body appearance things just never went back to the same(thats our first argument). So when she turned about 6 months i decided to look through his phone for some reason. 

He would pull it away if i tried to look at texts. So few days later i did as any woman would; dig deeper. The internet is a powerful thing i found an app where it shows you all deleted messages calls, photos. 

Close to everything you could think of. That moment i found out he cheated on me 2/4/15 he claims he never did but the messages said differently just not explicitly. “Last night was wonderful i miss you” whatever.

So keep reading and on and off over the timeframe of the pregnancy they still text like where are you, ill be there soon, im on my way. And one day when i was pregnant i remember listening to one of his voicemails and texting the person. 

She says she misses him shes worried about him, how he wasnt answering his texts for a while. He told me she was a crazy ex from long ago. 

So i texted her and told her who i was and that i am pregnant with his child so she needs to move on blah blah.

In the message recovery app i saw where he said dont listen to that text that was my cousin trying to be mess with me, ill call you in few. I moved out for 2 weeks and he begged and apologized and i never forgot about it, i moved back in with him. but it took me a long time to be able to look at him in the eyes again. 

Everytime he’d take too long to answer a text, call, come home, in the shower, cooking, just about anything; thats where my first thoughts would go.

I never trusted him after that. Id be ok for months at a time even, but there were days id would hit me again and id just break down. So 2 years of minor arguments about that. Until i decided to get a job and go back to school.

The tables turned to him feeling alone, unwanted all these things. And now i never complained when he worked 6 days a week from 5am-3pm came home slept then 6pm-11pm and back to sleep for almost a year even throughout my pregnancy.

But i work 4 days 2pm-1am and its a problem. I go to school in the morning 3 days the days i work while he himself is also at work. He feels insecure that the only reason i went back was to be able to leave him and meet someone else who makes more money.

Idk just jealous all of a sudden bc i was my own person now, not just a stay at home mom who would never leave the house to do anything besides doctors appointments and groceries. He took up smoking weed about a year ago and started ruining his credit score. 

We have lived upstairs in my parents house for almost 3 years now. We only agreed to move in here bc we were supposed to save money on rent and get a house together. 

That was my plan and i have money saved since the day i got the job. He on the otherhand started spending more and getting credits cards maxing them out, buying a car he cannot afford.

So i think this is what started to get me to realize this may not be what i want anymore. I would have days where i think about if we even make it another year or 2 here if i finish school. 

He refuses to cook at home bc we share the kitchen and doesn’t want to feel compelled to cook for anyone else, he hates staying home but never wants to do anything with me outside of the house, like walks, restaurants, mall, whatever. 

We are fortunate to have my family as caregivers to our daughter while we work. But it became one sided with him, when hes at work he will stay out late to hang with friends while my mothers at home watching the baby, but if we’re both off and i offer to send her downstairs for an hour to play with my mother so we can talk, or cuddle or anything he becomes so annoyed and lashes out bc he doesnt want them to feel like they’re doing us any favors while we’re both here. 

So our sex live depleted when she became about 3 bc she started school and is almost fully aware and talking about everything she sees. So we have sex maybe once every 3 weeks now. 

Before i started school it was about once or even twice a week. Before the baby it was 2 times a day at least. 

Anyway i begged him to stop smoking bc im bettering myself and worried about our future and hes sitting there getting high everyday instead of doing anything to benefit us. He swore never to smoke weed again. 

He stops for about a month at a time until i search his car, and i do it daily bc i dont trust him. And i always find something. I am very serious about the weed thing and have gone days on end arguing with him about how i will leave if it doesnt stop. 

He ends up crying and i feel bad and tells me how horrible he feels when he relapses. I made it to about 9 days once without looking and of course the day i did i found it. 

So i feel betrayed, i sleep in my bed with someone who will lie in my face and smile with no hesitation, he hides things from me. Not like the cheating thing again, but like when he found out his job was shutting down within 2 months i didnt find out will a week later from my mom and that he went to an interview somewhere else that morning. 

His excuse was that i couldnt do anything about it so why tell me. He doesnt tell me where he goes or what he does until after. And i pointed that out and it got better.

Its not about asking for permission, just being honest about what hes doing you know ? So we have been fine for 4 weeks now almost not a single argument everything was going fine, and then i decided to search the car 2 days in a row. 

First day nothing. Second day a weed accessory to i guess crush it or something. So i waited till he woke up and said goodbye to tell him that when he has time he can tell me where that came from and explain with a good reason why i should believe him. 

He made up a story that it was a gift of a friend and i asked what did you think i would say if i found it. He goes i dont care its not like im using it its new i just want to have it in my car bc it looks nice. I asked him to throw it away. He said no. 

So i told him do not talk to me until you apologize to me and get rid of it. We didnt talk since saturday 4pmish that happened through text. So sunday i am off he went to work without saying a word to me. He gets out of work at 5 usually. Its 6:45 and hes still not home.

So he left his apple watch home with his texts. I decide to read them and turns out he got out at 4 he left early, he came home showered changed and left before i could notice. It mustve been when i fell asleep for a while around 6 waiting for him. 

So i call and he says hes on his way to the mall. The mall closes at 7 right. So i tell him that and he tells me it doesnt and that hes not going to sit here and bs with me. And he shuts his phone off.

Fast forward a bottle of wine and 6 hours later i have sent just about a million messages and thoughts have ran wild. He turns the phone on at 12:40 and finally answered. 

The conversation went like this (me) “where have you been its almost 1am and the mall closes at 7” (him) “i never said i was going to a mall i went out with my friends to have a few drinks instead of fighting with you” (me) “you told me at 6:50 you were going to the mall and shut your phone off so i couldnt see your location, i dont beileve you and also dont bother coming back i dont want to be with you anymore” and i hung up.

He texts me saying im overreacting asking if im serious that he didnt do anything. And i dont believe him bc i even called the friend he says he was going to the mall with he answers and doesnt speak and in the background all you here is “oh shes great” then hangs up very suspicious there. 

He later admits after me telling him how much i cant stand him and that hes lost any love i had for him, and that hes horrible and just a million insults.

Next morning He admits to smoking weed that night and that he did nothing wrong besides go out to drink and hang out. Im not ok with that bc if it was that simple it wouldve been communicated before hand not after. 

I have no way to prove what did or did not happen, i have never even met these friends he has known over 2 years now. Its just me and my thoughts. I already dont trust him so nothinv made me think he was behind honest.

I continued all of monday telling him how much i dont like him and he ruined my life, and that he will never amount to anything bc he has no goals, and that he should be ashamed of himself. 

That he doesnt deserve me and now i stood up for myself and made my way out of it that he will learn. All of these things all day through text back and forth till about 1am monday. So at 1 i get out of work and i am not alone in my car and just decide to ask if he regrets anything he did bc look how far it went.

And i told him i cant believe he did this to me. So now he is acting about as emotionless as a rock saying he doesnt care, i did this, i kicked him out like a dog, i spoke to him worse than anyone ever has. 

Meanwhile he has said everything i said and worse throughout the course of 5 1/2 years. But it doesn't count bc it was him saying it apparently.

He never thought i would leave him or stop giving him chances and this is what made him so upset about it in my opinion. 

So its about 3am i call and he answers we spent about 2 hours talking about exactly the same things as the texts and i cried at one point that how come he could never change for me, how come it took this to make him do anything in his life. (Hes now looking for an apartment and paid off his cards) he has never wanted to move into an apartment together bc he wanted a house but on the phone he said the true reason was bc he never knew if he’d be with me long term and didnt want to become stuck in a loan with me.

But i have all my bank cards with him as an authorized user to boost his credit, and his car is in my moms name and his. I pay his phone bill, i pay for everytime we go out together to eat, i pay for the laundry to be done, i pay for anything our child gets (clothes, groceries, shoes, toys, tablets) and i am the one saving money. He pays for his $700 car payment and his $300 insurance along with about $300 in a motercylce he got one day bc he thought was his dream to have and hasnt turned it on since august. 

He is very impulsive, never thinks things through. And acts like a teenager with no responsibilities. I have to remind him to pay his cards, i have to lend him money almost every other week bc he runs out. 

I lent him 2,500 bc he dreamt one day that he needed to have his own business and quit his job so i paid for the supplies and 2 months later he went back to work. I waited a year to ask for it back and he told me to take it from the taxes (the taxes each year since we have been with my parents go straight to the house savings) so basically he’s telling me to pay myself back. 

Anyway we have not spoken since that phone call and it ended off with how much he is forcing himself to ignore that i exist and force himself to get over this and pretend like nothing happened until one day he forgets about me.

Now hearing that i felt bad and cracked. I told him no i do not want to be together again but i obviously love you, and maybe i did say things i shouldnt have but you made me feel that way with what you did. 

He didnt apologize but agreed that it was wrong to have done the weed but everything else he said is fine bc i started an argument with him the day before and he claims he did not want to be home and chose to be out instead of with me. And that cost him everything. 

So i asked if he thinks he can take a few days to think if its even worth trying again or not. I made him promise not to do weed or be with anyone else, or go to bars. Just to think. Now since i said i never trusted him when we were together its even harder now being apart and its only been 1 day. Am i just being emotional or should i wait on him to want to be together again ? I know i shoudlnt be with him and he will never change, but with my personality even after all thats happened i always want to believe that one day he will realize what he has. 

But throughout the years i have endured too many things to allow him to keep doing it. I hit the breaking point that day i told him to leave. And somehow the situation got flipped into being my fault. 

He is also very good at doing that by the way, he can somehow made me think that i caused him to do something wrong towards me, like lie, cheat or hide something.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Just run.

He sounds like a SPOS you could move past.

They always pull you back.

I try to think of the Kenny Rogers song, not close to a country fan....The Gambler.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He's a serial cheater, @Confusedlady1214 ~ treat him as such!

Get to a good family lawyer to protect your rights and to file for child support!

Also not trying to be critical here, but when you have the time, please put your post into paragraph form as it would make your story much more palatable to the reader!

Best of luck to you, m'dear! May God continue to look after you!*


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## Confusedlady1214 (Feb 12, 2020)

Thank you. What does spos stand for ? And im sorry this was my first time using this website. I need help and this was my first option at the moment. I do love him dearly but he has abandoned me multiple times emotionally. I cannot help but feel responsible for it at times. I may have been too hard and demanding for him to grow up and do better. Had i let him be maybe he would’ve done it on his own im thinking now. He is genuinely not a good person the only time i get treated like i exist and mean something to him and either when he is hiding something from me or i find out what he has done. He did try to change after a few times but i never allowed myself to trust him i always felt like there was a hidden motive for his affection but i always turned out to be right. To some people maybe smoking weed isnt a big deal, but its just not something id like around me o my daughter and turns him into a bad person he starts behaving like a careless person and acts like nothing matters. He was able to stop for 4 years the first time i asked but when last year he went back to it it brought back the pain of everything he’s done. And i resented him for it. The last time i realize being actually happy was before i knew that he had cheated on me. Since then i have always held that against him and a part of me has hated him for it. But i thought maybe by holding on that one day id be able to accept it and forgive him. And he’d be the man i dreamed he could be. I texted him this morning and found out the hotel he was staying at. Something is holding me back and i cannot see myself letting go even though 2 days ago that is all i wanted. I feel bad for our child and him. And i do wish we could’ve started over but he refuses to see me or speak to me. Now i know this is not my fault but he has manipulated me into thinking i caused this. And thats probably what is making me contemplate asking him to come back.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

He cheated. He did so of his own free will. He's not remorseful. In fact, he's turning the tables and trying to make you feel responsible for this.

Good lord, why would you want someone like this in your life? He sounds downright toxic to me.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Confusedlady1214 You know how they say that sometimes love just isn't enough?

This is one of those situations. You may love him, but he's toxic. He's bad for you in every way: he's a cheater, he treats you like crap, and he's going to ruin you financially.

You need to love yourself MORE than you love him, and love your daughter MORE than you love him, and recognize that he doesn't love you back. I hate to put it so bluntly, but a man who loves his wife and daughter doesn't act like this. A man who loves his wife and daughter does everything he can to provide for them; he doesn't waste his money on weed and a flashy car while his wife pays for everything.

You need to STOP paying for everything for him. Take him off your cards, off your accounts, and stop giving him money. He needs to pay his own way. (You need to figure out a way to get your mom off that car loan/financing, or he is going to ruin her credit.) Instead, focus on building a life for you and your daughter on your own, since he clearly isn't inclined to help.

And you need to kick his ass to the curb. You deserve a better man than this. Find a lawyer, and find out what you have to do to file for divorce, and how to get his cheating ass out of your parents' house. Do the 180 (https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) and focus on you and your daughter. Bring your parents into the loop, they love you and will support you, and you will need their support. (You may learn that they never really liked your husband in the first place... I learned this when I divorced.)

You need to understand. He has shown you who he is, which is a cheating loser who is incapable of providing for his family and cannot maintain a healthy relationship. He is NOT going to change, no matter what you say or do. No matter how much you plead and argue with him, he won't do anything different. In fact, he will likely dig in his heels and do even MORE of the same, because he is a rebellious child who doesn't like to be told what to do; your reasonable expectations of an equal partner who is loving and supportive look like "controlling *****" (rhymes with witch) to him, because he is a man-child.

You will never have the relationship you want with this man, and it is not going to get better. It will only get worse if you stay with him.

That being said, I think you sound like an amazing person, and I think that if you free yourself from this leech, you'll find there are much better men our there who would be happy to be the partner your deserve.

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to fire him.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You and your child will be much better off without such a "man" in your lives. 

I'd rather waste 5 years than 6 or 7 or 20.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Confusedlady1214 said:


> But i thought maybe by holding on that one day id be able to accept it and forgive him. And he’d be the man i dreamed he could be. I texted him this morning and found out the hotel he was staying at. Something is holding me back and i cannot see myself letting go even though 2 days ago that is all i wanted. I feel bad for our child and him. And i do wish we could’ve started over but he refuses to see me or speak to me. Now i know this is not my fault but he has manipulated me into thinking i caused this. And thats probably what is making me contemplate asking him to come back.


Please see a professional about your severe case of *co-dependency*. No matter *what* this complete piece of garbage does to disrespect you or degrade you, you're _still _right there, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes and begging him to love you.

You need to respect yourself and sadly, you don't.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Confusedlady1214, I hope you are making moves to get this man out of your life.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

$700.00 car payment? Please tell me you're joking. And a motorcycle? Is he contributing financially to your child's needs?

Listen, you are taking care of two children, not one. How your parents haven't kicked him out long before you did is beyond me. 

Your mom needs to get her name off that car title and you need to get his name off your cards as an authorized user. You need to do that immediately, first and foremost.

He is so ungrateful for everything you and your family have done for him. And of course he's a cheater. Have you been tested for STDs?

Sounds like you have your head on straight--going to school, saving money. Good for you!

He will drag you down so quick, and all of your efforts to better yourself will be for nothing. You say he manipulated you into thinking this is all your fault. This is called gaslighting. Please google it.

He needs to stay gone. Reading your post made me exhausted for you. You can't keep up this pace by policing him so much. 

You need to focus on your child, not the one who can't get his **** together. He is not worthy of you. He is not of your caliber. Let him go.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't see this getting any better at all. Basically on the night he went to the "mall". He went to meet his girlfriend. At this point he doesn't really respect you at all. Since he isn't contributing either, you don't lose anything by moving on really. It honestly sounds like you guys were never really compatible. Not that it matters because there are plenty of other reasons to leave him, but he isn't ever going to stop smoking weed either. Its best you find someone that treats you better in general and doesn't smoke weed if thats something that you don't agree with.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@Confusedlady1214 I saw this on Instagram and I think this pertains to your situation. In a nutshell:


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If your daughters husband were doing this to her, how would you advise her?

Do that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

His cheating is the least of your problems....he's a bum.

Let someone else support him and save your money for your child.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Please cancel all your cards first so that when he realizes your serious about him leaving he can't run up any bills as revenge.

Sunday night. (That's today dear). Cancel all cards and accounts with his name on them. IF any are a bank account Monday go and get that done. Monday night have him pack his crap and go stay with whatever 'friend' he has to drink and smoke weed with.

This relationship is harmful to you and it will not be a good environment for your child to grow up in. Do you want your child to smoke pot? Or to treat your spouse the way your husband does? I also think he is still cheating but it doesn't really matter the way he acts even if he isn't cheating is not what a loving relationship looks like. You won't be able to guilt or coddle or love him into being a better person. This is who he is. You are lucky you have the support of your parents. Use that. Stay there let them help you with childcare. You have your job and school and before you know it you'll be on your way. You will have so much more money once you dump the deadbeat.


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