# The OW/OM



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Why is it that I can feel such strong animosity towards the posOW and I'm too easy to forgive STBXH? Even here, it's posOW. Why not posSTBXH?

Anyone else have this problem? After all, wasn't _he_ the one who betrayed me? I feel almost violent towards her (a stranger) and with him, I melt and make all kinds of excuses.

How can I erase her from my mind? How do I stop giving her so much power over me?

Thoughts?


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Transferrance. Its easier to hate her than to hate your husband. Of you show the anger and rage to your husband, you fear losing him. So its just easier to transfer all that pain to the OW. But the truth is, this is ALL on your H. All of it.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Its easier to hate a stranger than to hate someone you pledged to live the rest of your life with....


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

BronteVillette said:


> Why is it that I can feel such strong animosity towards the posOW and I'm too easy to forgive STBXH? Even here, it's posOW. Why not posSTBXH?
> 
> Anyone else have this problem? After all, wasn't _he_ the one who betrayed me? I feel almost violent towards her (a stranger) and with him, I melt and make all kinds of excuses.
> 
> ...


I couldn't have wrote this any better. I think in my place is her POSOW's first marriage she was cheated on by her husband. So she has used the poor victim me for the 15 years I knew her. So to do this to a man who was married with a child trying to work issues out is dispicable in my mind. She just manipulated an already hurt and confused man. She is dirt. She is a waste of a human being and for that, I despise her. I've been struggling with God on my feelings for her the past week. To me, I feel I am part to blame and I believe he was easily influenced while vulnerable. So I blame her more.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Twofaces said:


> Transferrance. Its easier to hate her than to hate your husband. Of you show the anger and rage to your husband, you fear losing him. So its just easier to transfer all that pain to the OW. But the truth is, this is ALL on your H. All of it.


 
I don't believe this fully. She is a POSOW for messing with a married man. He may be largely at fault but it is not all on him.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Yes, Sad. I agree. In my case, posOW admitted to seducing him. He was depressed and in a very vulnerable state and she knowingly took advantage (not that he is not at fault). What really irritates me is that on a couple of occasions she had the nerve to tell me that she "respects" me. 

I do think it's easier to hate her than the man I married, but isn't she also at fault for betraying womanhood and violating a marriage?


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> I don't believe this fully. She is a POSOW for messing with a married man. He may be largely at fault but it is not all on him.



I agree she is a POS wholeheartedly i agree. But ultimately, she wasnt married to you. She didnt pledge vows to you. He did. So, i believe that 99.9% of the fault lies with the offending spouse. 

I know you are angry and you have every right to be. I just hope you will not misplace the anger so far in her direction that your husband ends up on easy street...... See what im saying.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

well yes it takes 2 to tango so she has 50% and yr husband has 50% the fact of the matter is that he is the one that went outside of the marriage so between you and him he is 100% to blame moving forward I would suggest going to MC and possible IC to address these issues with your marriage have you made a decision about what direction you would like to go in ?? meaning do you want to stay married or Divorced ??


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

BronteVillette said:


> Yes, Sad. I agree. In my case, posOW admitted to seducing him. He was depressed and in a very vulnerable state and she knowingly took advantage (not that he is not at fault). What really irritates me is that on a couple of occasions she had the nerve to tell me that she "respects" me.
> 
> I do think it's easier to hate her than the man I married, but isn't she also at fault for betraying womanhood and violating a marriage?


 
Absolutely at fault....why according to this board as I am learning she is a POS. Just control your anger. Just like in Star Wars, Anakin didn't control his, and what did he turn into? You are better than her. Besides, messing her up doesn't get you anywhere....I beat myself up over kicking her butt and that was because she pulled a gun on me. It only made me like her. You are BETTER than that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't ever erase her or the betrayal from your mind, unfotunately and you will never learn to love the OW/OM. That's just how it works. They will always be a source of pain/hatred/anger for you.

When you rigger, try to redirect your thoughts elsewhere. Sorry.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I will always have enduring anger and yes, even hatred, for the woman my husband has his EA/possible PA with. She knew me, and she knew our young daughter. She acted like she was our "friend".

When I emailed her to tell her that her relationship with my husband was harming my marriage and that I wanted her to stop seeing him, she responded with anger. "No one tell me what to do." Man, what a b**ch.

My STBXH is no longer involved with her. But that doesn't really matter to me. In my memory, she will always be the one who ruined my child's family life. If I were ever to run into her, I would have a hard time restraining myself from pulling a pen from my purse and ramming it into her eye.


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## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

It's a normal reaction, I think. I go back and forth and feel a lot of anger towards both of them. Especially her because she knew he was married with 2 young children and she pursued him anyway. Even after she knew I wasn't OK with them communicating, she couldn't leave him alone. But at the same time, he couldn't either. At times I'm not sure what to think or feel.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

posstbxw(H) is too long, they share the POS status 50/50, but its logistics.

also, we try not to bash the WW/WH too much in the case of a true R (rarer than all heck).


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

"Fear is the path to the dark side...I sense much fear in you."
-Yoda

Isn't it funny how art, imitates life. The only thing that will give you power over this is to Forgive them. OM/OW are not the problem. A marriage where one spouse is fooling around isn't the problem (those are called open marriages). The problem is your relationship with your spouse changed and they didn't tell you. Or they told you and you don't like it. Fear is clouding the issue and creating anger and resentment. 

"Holding onto resentments is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”

-Carrie Fisher a.k.a. Princess Leah

You're hurt. It is completely understandable. I am too, but pointing a finger is only going to bite you in the ass. Nothing happened to you. They didn't take a dagger and stab you in the heart. Though it does feel like that at times. They chose to be with someone else. If you really do/did love them and you did want them to be happy shouldn't you be wishing them well? If they are going to be in your child's life (and you should encourage that for your child if this is their only major flaw), don't you want it to be a happy one?

I know what some of you are thinking, "But it isn't Fair!" Nope, it never is. Life doesn't come with a fairness setting. You take your heaping pile of **** and make something worthwhile and meaningful out of it. That is the true measure of your life, do you seek to destroy or create with what you are given. Its a hard choice for all of us.

GearHead


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

It's funny... my stbxw is the posOW to the pos OM's pregnant girlfriend. But she is the mother of our 4 children so I find I have to forgive her. Was she vulnerable or dumb or cold or what? Will never really know but my kids deserve 2 parents raising them and we can't do that if we can't converse. So I forgive her and hate the pos.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

mule kick said:


> It's funny... my stbxw is the posOW to the pos OM's pregnant girlfriend. But she is the mother of our 4 children so I find I have to forgive her. Was she vulnerable or dumb or cold or what? Will never really know but my kids deserve 2 parents raising them and we can't do that if we can't converse. So I forgive her and hate the pos.


Then isn't that giving all the blame to him and absolved her. You're released yourself from the pain of blame on her. Why not him? When will that start to eat away at the both of you? I'm not by any means saying you should do anything different. I just want to understand the choice.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Right now i am so f*cking pissed! That *POS* stole my life out from under me. My whole world is turned upside down because she's a skanky wh*re and _he_ couldn't keep in it in his pants! I was never even given a chance! I was good to him- I would have done anything for him. Correction- I did do everything for him but it wasn't enough. Now, this b*tch comes shaking her *ss and deliberately takes from me! 

What's so f*cking great about her, anyway? Obviously, she has no morals and now, I see, neither does he. I'm tired of being so good and getting the shaft. When does it start getting good for me? Do I have to sink to their level and take what I want when I want it? The worst of it is that I had no clue. He never acknowledged that he was unhappy with _me_. One day he's making promises and the next the rug is pulled out. Is nothing sacred? 

Never in my life have I felt such hatred in my heart and yes, it seems to only hurt me. I would love to hurt her, but I never will. I would love to see her suffer, but it will never happen. She gets to hold him, spend time with him, love him and my arms are empty. I know none of this is rational- he's proved himself unworthy. But I'm hurting and right now all the practical thinking just slips away. 

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be free! When will it stop? How do I unchain myself from _them_?


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah that happens. One day... you know the rest. It isn't going to help you with that, but what will help is to not pour that poison out on the interactions with him or her. The best "revenge" is to act and feel like it doesn't matter, because at the end your life it doesn't.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Bronte,

Your anger is justified. I'm really sorry this is happening. See my PM...


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

gearhead65 said:


> Then isn't that giving all the blame to him and absolved her. You're released yourself from the pain of blame on her. Why not him? When will that start to eat away at the both of you? I'm not by any means saying you should do anything different. I just want to understand the choice.


There are plenty of people out there hating her now. There is now and will always be explaining for her to do with these children and their families for why she did what she did. She isn't absolved. I also can take solace in the future, that there really isn't a chance she ends up better off or even happier than me.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Bronte,

I know exactly how you feel. I was also the betrayed spouse. It is devastating.

I think anger is a good emotion to feel at this time. Better for us than the paralysis of helplessness and depression - it keeps us moving. 

I am one year into separation, two weeks from divorce. I'm still working with my strong emotions. It takes time, time, time. But I'm sure it will get better, and we will move on.


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