# need help with 13 year old son



## yen

Where start I'm new to this site looking for help as you can tell by the title with my son. He is 13 smart he's always been on the honor roll all As he's also in Jr. bata. But he has been getting in trouable in school this week he was suspend for his attitude and because he wont put his hair up it is long.He quit football after going thru everthing to get on the team but he start getting into trouable last year before school was out.He has the attitude at home too his dad and him have been into it alot also. Because me and his dad have been having trouable also I 'm sure that has something to do with it but he want talk to me anymore. We use to talk about everthing now he just want's to stay in his room on the computer listen to his music because he also plays the guitar he only comes out when he has to. Anyone know how I can get my son to open back up to me?? I know he is going thru all the changes like any other 13. But he's never shut me out and he won't tell me what's going on in school. I'v try talking to him but he say it's nothing. Even thru all this his greads are still A's and B's. Thanks


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## SageMother

yen said:


> Where start I'm new to this site looking for help as you can tell by the title with my son. He is 13 smart he's always been on the honor roll all As he's also in Jr. bata. But he has been getting in trouable in school this week he was suspend for his attitude and because he wont put his hair up it is long.He quit football after going thru everthing to get on the team but he start getting into trouable last year before school was out.He has the attitude at home too his dad and him have been into it alot also. Because me and his dad have been having trouable also I 'm sure that has something to do with it but he want talk to me anymore. We use to talk about everthing now he just want's to stay in his room on the computer listen to his music because he also plays the guitar he only comes out when he has to. Anyone know how I can get my son to open back up to me?? I know he is going thru all the changes like any other 13. But he's never shut me out and he won't tell me what's going on in school. I'v try talking to him but he say it's nothing. Even thru all this his greads are still A's and B's. Thanks


I can tell this is disconcerting.

It seems there are a couple of things going on here and I don't feel that either has much to do with your marital issues.

He is growing up. Yes he did everything needed to get on the football team but then there was one demand too many...the hair issue. I don't know how others might feel but in his shoes I would probably have done the same thing. When I reach my limits with the requirements of something, I opt out. That is how adults maintain their personal sovereignty. They set their own limits and stick to them. It is difficult for someone under 18 to do this, but he did it. That is a point in his favor.

You might be able to intervene in this matter so that he can maintain his dignity and still attend classes, so there are still options there, unless I am missing something.

Most people bemoan the terrible two's and then the teen years for the same reasons. Young people start gaining a greater sense of self before society and/or parents are ready to accommodate these new found needs. Your son stays in his room with his items because they are _*his*_. He seeks refuge in a space he feels he has control of. At this stage of the game it might be good to have him see a counselor who has experience with fellows his age. That way there is some modicum of privacy with the discussions they will have, and you can be alerted if there are huge problems brewing. If your marital issues are part of the problem then you will find out through the counselor.

It is a mistake, in my opinion, to hold onto the child he used to be because his struggles against being that person any longer will become more destructive if he feels no hope that you will accept him as he is without his having to reveal his innermost feelings. He needs some assurance of privacy.

I hope this all made sense. No he is not fully adult at 13 but he isn't the person who is just going to go along with things if he feels differently, the way a child has to.


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## yen

Thanks for the advice as for him beening his own person I don't have any trouable with. I always let both of my children be their own person it worries me that he won't talk to me. We always been close and I always told them both I can't help you if you don't talk to me. As for his hair I think the school is over reactting, just today he went back to school and by 9:00 I get a call from school and it's over his hair just because one teacher doesn't like the way he throws his head to oneside to get his out of his face. Both my kids know I will do anything for them and standup for them as long as they don't lie to me. I support them in anything they do they both love music as I said he plays the guitar my daughter plays the drums. I don't force them to play sports or music thats what they want to do so I try to make it happend for them. They both make good grades. But I'm not going to make my son cut his hair just because one teacher don't like it. I told him I don't care if it gets to his butt as long he keeps it clean. Just want to know why he is shutting me out?


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## janus76

it sounds to me like he is being a typical teenager let him know he is in the wrong but the more you tell a youngster not to do something the more they will want to do it


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## SageMother

yen said:


> Thanks for the advice as for him beening his own person I don't have any trouable with. I always let both of my children be their own person it worries me that he won't talk to me. We always been close and I always told them both I can't help you if you don't talk to me. As for his hair I think the school is over reactting, just today he went back to school and by 9:00 I get a call from school and it's over his hair just because one teacher doesn't like the way he throws his head to oneside to get his out of his face. Both my kids know I will do anything for them and standup for them as long as they don't lie to me. I support them in anything they do they both love music as I said he plays the guitar my daughter plays the drums. I don't force them to play sports or music thats what they want to do so I try to make it happend for them. They both make good grades. But I'm not going to make my son cut his hair just because one teacher don't like it. I told him I don't care if it gets to his butt as long he keeps it clean. Just want to know why he is shutting me out?


His not talking to you is part of the growing up process and will continue as he develops his private life and his set of personal policies.

You also might want to tell teachers to back off the hair issue as well. It serves no purpose, when it comes to your son's education, to harp on what is obviously a teacher's personal preference. Teachers are free to exercise that particular demon within the boundaries of their own family.


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## yen

I think I have the hair toke care of I had to go over the teacher and principals head.To the superintendent of the school he came to the school after I left Thur. and had a meeting with them and my son. He went to school Fri. and no trouable he said they didn't say anything about his hair or ask him to put it up. So I hope that I don't have to go back over that.


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## mamab

I think the hair issue is just a personal issue with the teachers. If there is a written "rule" about how long hair can be, then it's a disobedience and rebellious attitude. But if there isn't a "rule," the teachers are just causing problems because they don't like it. 

Sounds like he's a typical 13 year old. Be there for him, don't judge him too harshly, and let him know you love him - no matter what. He really needs to know that you won't bail on him.


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## yen

There is no rule on how long the hair has to be and it is just one teacher who gets on to him about it. They haven't said anything else to him since I had to call the superintendent and he talk to them all. He said there was no rule because I ask him and told him to send it to me if there was one. He talk to my son also and told him he had pretty hair and they cannot make him cut it. Which made him happy, but they make him seat by hisself at lunch because they said it could get in someones food. I don't think that is fair but he said it doesn't matter to him.


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## mamab

Well, from a health standpoint, I can see where they would want it pulled back during lunch, but I can't see making him sit by himself. That seems a little bit extreme. I'm so glad I homeschool and don't have to deal with that kind of stuff.


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## juls

Schools now a days think they can tell parent what and when to do with their children, whe in reality they are suppossed to teach them nt raise them. 

I have dealt with similair issues with schools and did the same as you, went over the heads of the pricples and ended up getting a apology from them....kudos to you for standin up to them. I am the same way with my kids, I will stand up for them anytime as long as they do not lie to me. They know this...and whats better is they don't take advantage of it. yet..knocking on wood...


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