# Comfortable in Marriage



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I notice through several posts, that people obviously ahve different expectations of marriage.

Sometimes I see that people have settled for what they have, or that they view marriage should be a "certain way" and when it deviates from what they thought it would be like "happily ever after" they have a hard time accepting the changes.

The thing I notice the most is...that when couples get married...The woman in the relationship is usually happy with the "status quo" the wake up, go to work, have dinner, go to bed routine. Sex a couple of times a week, basic missionary style, and we are good, happy, satisfied.

Now they men, which is also called the "mid life crisis" evnt...We start off strong, happily married, the young stud ahs landed his bride....then it creeps up on us and we start thinking??? this is it? this same old Boring routine? wake up, go to work, eat dinner go to bed...same sex every week....Dude this sucks! I'm bored, where is my exciting life I had planned out? where is the "wild times? etc.

I've discussed this with my wife, becuase whenever I will do something out of the ordinary she says, "mid life Crisis?" and I am like no honey, I'm bored, I want to do "SOMETHING" not fart around this house, where my wife is completely contempt on just staying home doing nothing, maybe read or play on the PC....I need to go out, do something, party, Hike, play a sport, etc.

While we have grown to compromise with each other, I get my nights out either with her, the boys, or the whole family (bowling or some rec activity) She also gets her nights of staying home, reading her books etc.

But the compromise also happens in the bedroom...she would be fine with the Missionary sex every couple of nights...and she is good. Where as I, well I need "more" I need change Excitement, something to spice it up, games, role playing etc. (as you all read)

Really it boils down to Communication, trust and Compromise. If we never discussed our feelings and adapted to each others needs, well we would have a rough time.

I feel there are alot of couples out there that do not communicate their needs or refuse to compromise to help their marriage, they are set in their ways, refusing to adapt or alter their view of their marriage or what marriage should be.

Am I the only one that see's this?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

And the eager to please spouse puts in all the effort for the passive spouse. Seems like the woman is the one who works hardest at the first 5 years or so, then the man comes around and feels his own mortality and she then becomes passive. My wife still doesn't communicate like I wish she would but i've learned to accept that. She's assured me that everything is cool, so I can only assume it really is.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

no your not the only one. i hate boredom and im probably more in tune with how you think whereas my H sounds similar to your wife.

i like adventure , dont like doing the same things . but it comes down to everyone like you said have their own ideas. it depends whats in the marriage, for example it might be a happy or unhappy marriage. ppl have different expectations and characters.
im a sagittarian so you wont keep me chained down for long. 
ok maybe for 1/2 hour, lol.
but i do communicate as best i can because i have needs as does my H in the marriage, i wil compromise etc etc. 
i find if i dont continuously alter with situations for our marriage and our family - i.e growing children. then im in a stalemate, that i dont want my life to be in.
i dont want and i wont live in a sad atmosphere or rubbish relationship thats going nowhere.
because how i see it, i would rather be on my own than be full time unhappy.

i listen to ppl about some of their relationship stories and i am genuinely shocked. but each to their own if it works for that marriage.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

martino said:


> And the eager to please spouse puts in all the effort for the passive spouse. Seems like the woman is the one who works hardest at the first 5 years or so, then the man comes around and feels his own mortality and she then becomes passive. My wife still doesn't communicate like I wish she would but i've learned to accept that. She's assured me that everything is cool, so I can only assume it really is.


Martino- 

I think you've done a good job in taking up the slack for the both of you. You never know, your wife might have her moments some time in the future. Sometimes my wife provides me with a kick up the butt when I get stuck in a rut...

You are totally right about the wife making the efforts for the first 5 years and then the man tries. It's all about being out of sinc.

GA-

Yeah, some people settle for mediocrity. I just want to douse people with the fireman's hose when I here them say: "Things always settle down after the first few years". BS, I want a girl friend/boy friend relationship with my wife until the day one of us dies. That takes skill, and you have to keep your eye on the ball, but it can be done.

If I was in a relationship like a lot of people complain about in here, I would either try and fix it or walk out. I don't buy the staying together for the kids crap. The kids get poisoned by the stilted atmosphere. Even a mediocre atmosphere where everything is "OK" marital sex is present but occasional, and things just bump along is not good enough in my opinion. 

Kids thrive better in an active household where people are having fun, and there is that joyful atmosphere where "anything could happen".


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

All excellent posts so far...really good stuff.

I agree, My kids seem to do very well in school, all three of them are straight A students and all very popular. We are the neighborhood house, all the kids hang out at our house, I guess becuase we never fight and usually have a good time, I guess it rubs off on the children. I mean it is not a total freedom fest, we have strict guidelines, but the kids follow it and we are all good.

really solid advice above, and yes we all need a good kick sometimes.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Soccerman you seem to really put a lot of effort into your marriage that is commendable. I've seen your pics and your wife is a looker, you two appear very happy together. 

Twain, thanks your comments are always welcome. You got me thinking differently right from my first post here and I thank you for that. You are valued here because we know you are smart. 

Yeah since i've backed off and not been so needy i've seen my wife pull out of her shell certainly sexually. She likes me being pretty forceful and not very nice which I think is interesting and fun. We've tried new things and discovered things she likes to do that work for both of us, sexually we've never been better. 

Relationship wise i'm just giving her time to unfold. She is a scientific personality (going to be an accountant) and i'm a creative personality (musician and teacher) so we are polar opposites that sometimes get in sync.

Sorry hope I didn't hijack Soccerman's thread too badly.....

Martino


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

I found that I can not settle. I want it all. Love, trust, communication, sexual passion. There are always new things to discover about your spouse. If we keep living we keep changing. I don't want marriage to be like a comfortable shoe. My marriage is at a crossroads right now. It might not survive. It also might turn around and become more than either of us could imagine. I am an all or nothing person. Just going through the day and doing all the "right" things isn't enough for me.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> I feel there are alot of couples out there that do not communicate their needs or refuse to compromise to help their marriage, they are set in their ways, refusing to adapt or alter their view of their marriage or what marriage should be.
> ?


Hello Hammer-

You've just hit me on the head.

I have started the communication process. I suck at it. My requests come across as demands. My motives are questioned. Why can't I be happy with what I have?, she asks.

We are in the process of "renegotiating the marriage contract" because we are naturally different people now than we were 18 years ago when we met. And I have not done a good job pointing out what I miss and asking for what I want. What works for the realtionship now should be diffferent than what worked before, but I haven't a clue what that is.

Sincerely,
Nail (the Male)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

martino said:


> Twain, thanks your comments are always welcome. You got me thinking differently right from my first post here and I thank you for that. You are valued here because we know you are smart.
> .
> .
> She likes me being pretty forceful and not very nice which I think is interesting and fun. We've tried new things and discovered things she likes to do that work for both of us, sexually we've never been better.


Well I actually copied a stunt from another post of yours, and played the "bad boy" for her birthday treat and it "wend down" really well. So I have you to thank for that


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> HMMMM.... What post was that???


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/3828-how-make-husband-little-dirtier-2.html#post40904 post #16


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Twain,

My bad boy character orders her around the bedroom when he is damn well ready. (straight out of those silly novels she reads!) She's hooked like a junkie on ending with my "big 3" that I mentioned. 

Hey and i'm glad to pass along something to you! the "Yoda Jedi" of the forum.....

Martino


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