# Books for WS?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Are there any books out there that can be recommended for the WS to read? Books geared toward them for helping them understand what their BS is going thru and ways in which they can help improve the marriage? Also, ways to help them understand how not to do such painful acts again? Everything I see seems to have a Christian slant that it's all up to the BS to forgive cause it the Christian thing to do. It's kinda irritating me. I'm getting tired of sending things to my WS, trying to tell him what I read here or there. I'd like to be able to give him a book and say here read. Thanks!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I don't know your whole story, but are you guys Christian? It would make a difference in book recommendations.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, has a lot of stuff like that. Our MC asked my husband to read it (I already had a copy).


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, has a lot of stuff like that. Our MC asked my husband to read it (I already had a copy).


I have that one, have only skimmed thru it. WS has not read it. Did he get anything from it? I know it will cover the EA, but as far as his ONS?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I have that one, have only skimmed thru it. WS has not read it. Did he get anything from it? I know it will cover the EA, but as far as his ONS?


I have been recommending it for EAs because that is what I went through with my husband. But it covers affairs and infidelity in general. It certainly accounts for PAs.

I did just now look through for stuff on ONS. The mentions are only brief. It is probably not good for ONS (unless that was a pattern of behavior vs. a true, single-event ONS).

But the sections on how the betrayed spouse feels are excellent. I read those aloud to my WS, page after page, because they were so accurate.


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## canttrusthim (Apr 22, 2012)

Try "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. Our MC recommended it.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

canttrusthim said:


> Try "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. Our MC recommended it.


so did ours...great book


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Has anyone read the Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting? We're at a breaking point. Would these be good books for him to read as a WS or are they geared more to the BS? I guess I'm saying I'm checking out... Last few days have been really bad for me. I told him this this morning. That we are officially in crisis mode, 911. Something needs to happen and soon cause I'm losing any connection I had for him. If I can't tell him what I need maybe he can get some guidance somewhere else.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Hurting, what is causing you to be in this crisis? Is it something that him reading a book would help? Do you feel like he is not working on your marriage and reading a book would be evidence of that?

I ask because I don't know how him having a book would fix that, if it is only a symptom of a bigger issue.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

there are a few youtube videos on divorce busting. 
thing is, there has to be a willingness to pay attention to what you are presenting, and a willingness to reconcile or work the situation out for the books or videos to be of any use.

I printed out a small form of what an emotional affair was and gave it to my wife when I first found out that she was texting an old friend, and meeting him in private. I tried to tell her what was going on but she insisted he was just a friend and there was no attachment, he was just going thru a hard time.
she had planned a girls-weekend-away trip with several girlfriends and all my letter did was piss her off and have her regard it as me trying to ruin her weekend with the girlfriends.

Divorcebusting was a good read, but if you dont have any receptiveness to it, or hes in a fog right now, its not going to do much good.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

He's not in a fog. The ONS with a stranger on a business trip was nine years ago and the EA with a coworker has been over for four years. We're in this mess cause he kept all this from me and I only found out seven months ago. I also have doubts on if I still know the full truth. He has already read Hedges for me, which was a great book about proper boundaries. He works with alot of younger females. He wants to save the marriage, but it is not going well. Last few days I feel I've become worse. We're falling apart. I was just wondering if there was anything out there that could give him some direction? What is the general theme of Divorce Busting?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I have finished two books since my ONS. Hedges and At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, two very different views IMO.

Hedges, for me, was terrible. It has some practical advice and it is good advice, but it has a terrible message. The message is there is no victory, only defeat. It says to run, always, because you cannot win.

The other book has a different message, one that is about victory. It is about really admitting where you are, and how to move from there. It helped me see a lot of things in me that I never would have admitted to. I am not saying that book is for everyone and I know there are definately some things in there that people will object to. I assume that since you read hedges, you are reading 'Christian' literature, and this book is heavily that.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Tasorundo said:


> I have finished two books since my ONS. Hedges and At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, two very different views IMO.
> 
> Hedges, for me, was terrible. It has some practical advice and it is good advice, but it has a terrible message. The message is there is no victory, only defeat. It says to run, always, because you cannot win.
> 
> The other book has a different message, one that is about victory. It is about really admitting where you are, and how to move from there. It helped me see a lot of things in me that I never would have admitted to. I am not saying that book is for everyone and I know there are definately some things in there that people will object to. I assume that since you read hedges, you are reading 'Christian' literature, and this book is heavily that.


Interesting. I also read Hedges and I thought it was good for him. I'm not against Christian books, but I'm kinda over the if I was Christian I would forgive attitude in some of these books. It's not as simple as that. 
He acknowledges he didn't have proper boundaries set in place. This I think he has accepted and is working on. What I'm looking for is something to lead him into how to help save the marriage specifically. Any suggestions at this point would help.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

It is my belief that only by working on himself, can he truly work on your marriage. It is not a selfish concept, but I believe the root of our issues lies within ourselves.

I cannot be a husband to my wife, if I have conflict within me. The best I can do (and did for 17 years) was act like it didn't exist. To truly change a relationship, at least on of the parties has to change themselves.

A book with a list of things to do, won't give you a better marriage. At best it will make it look like you have one.

Until both of you address your own hearts, the marriage cannot progress. Whether or not you stay together, unforgiving and unrepentant hearts do not heal. You only need to look through posts on this board for evidence of that.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Has anyone read Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Has anyone read Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late?


Nope, but I read I love you, but i don't trust you - great book at this stage (12 months out)


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Has anyone read Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late?


If anyone sees me with a copy of this book, please hit me in the groin(and head) with an aluminum baseball bat.
I will reimburse you for airfare, and retain counsel if you need it.


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