# My husband cheats when the going gets tough



## siana911 (8 mo ago)

Hi guys. Just wanted to vent and share my story. Weve been married for 9 years going in 10 and were dating for 4 years before that. We have 2 beautiful children. Of course we fight, and yes i say hurtful things.. These are the times he finds solace and satisfaction with other women through sexting. Is it possible he is also cheating physically? I do not know. Are their any couples that have an open marriage? How is this going for you?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

siana911 said:


> Hi guys. Just wanted to vent and share my story. Weve been married for 9 years going in 10 and were dating for 4 years before that. We have 2 beautiful children. Of course we fight, and yes i say hurtful things.. These are the times he finds solace and satisfaction with other women through sexting. Is it possible he is also cheating physically? I do not know. Are their any couples that have an open marriage? How is this going for you?


Of course it's possible that he has cheated physically as well. 

An open marriage is not a solution to infidelity. It requires good communication, healthy boundaries, respect, etc. all of which he doesn't seem to have. If you decide to have an open marriage for this reason, you can expect the marriage to fail miserably.


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## siana911 (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Of course it's possible that he has cheated physically as well.
> 
> An open marriage is not a solution to infidelity. It requires good communication, healthy boundaries, respect, etc. all of which he doesn't seem to have. If you decide to have an open marriage for this reason, you can expect the marriage to fail miserably.


Im trying to stay calm and collected. In the past ive always lashed out and acted impulsively. This time i really want to grow from that. It still hurts like hell, but is divorce really the answer as this is not the first time it is happening. Honestly tired of discussing this issue with him also. Its always the blame game. There has to be more. Sorry if im rambling


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

siana911 said:


> Im trying to stay calm and collected. In the past ive always lashed out and acted impulsively. This time i really want to grow from that. It still hurts like hell, but is divorce really the answer as this is not the first time it is happening. Honestly tired of discussing this issue with him also. Its always the blame game. There has to be more. Sorry if im rambling


If he is unwilling to become a safe partner and properly reconcile, then yes, divorce is the answer.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

When dysfunction feels normal, it’s really hard to change. He really needs to stop sexting and that’s a form of cheating, tbh. You saying mean things during arguments isn’t healthy, either. If you both want your marriage to work, then you both have to stop treating each other like this.

Even if it hasn’t become physical, his sexting is a violation of your vows. That’s just how I see it.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

siana911 said:


> Hi guys. Just wanted to vent and share my story. Weve been married for 9 years going in 10 and were dating for 4 years before that. We have 2 beautiful children. Of course we fight, and yes i say hurtful things.. These are the times he finds solace and satisfaction with other women through sexting. Is it possible he is also cheating physically? I do not know. Are their any couples that have an open marriage? How is this going for you?


I highly recommend throwing out the idea of open marriage. Open marriage is really nothing more than openly cheating on each other. I have no idea how a spouse can openly have sex with others and look their spouse in the eye when they go home. I just can't see my wife coming home and I say hey honey, how was your date tonight? Are you up for sex tonight or did the other guy wear you out? 😂

I suggest you two seek counseling together and separately. Get screened and make sure there isn't a hormonal issue going on or issues with depression. I also recommend trying to have more date nights and alone time..... I am jumping around, but how is the sex life? If it's lacking, that will cause a lot of issues.


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## siana911 (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I highly recommend throwing out the idea of open marriage. Open marriage is really nothing more than openly cheating on each other. I have no idea how a spouse can openly have sex with others and look their spouse in the eye when they go home. I just can't see my wife coming home and I say hey honey, how was your date tonight? Are you up for sex tonight or did the other guy wear you out? 😂
> 
> I suggest you two seek counseling together and separately. Get screened and make sure there isn't a hormonal issue going on or issues with depression. I also recommend trying to have more date nights and alone time..... I am jumping around, but how is the sex life? If it's lacking, that will cause a lot of issues.


I would say the sex life for me is great. However im aware guys have different appetites i guess. Also our children are still 2 yrs and 1 yr so i wud say my sex drive is still recovering. But then again it was great before we had kids and still this happened then. I wouldnt say it is the sex.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

siana911 said:


> I would say the sex life for me is great. However im aware guys have different appetites i guess. Also our children are still 2 yrs and 1 yr so i wud say my sex drive is still recovering. But then again it was great before we had kids and still this happened then. I wouldnt say it is the sex.


A lack of sex or crappy sex is not a reason to cheat. If someone is unhappy in that area they can make choices that don't involve infidelity.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

siana911 said:


> I would say the sex life for me is great. However im aware guys have different appetites i guess. Also our children are still 2 yrs and 1 yr so i wud say my sex drive is still recovering. But then again it was great before we had kids and still this happened then. I wouldnt say it is the sex.


Your sex drive that is still in recovery mode is fully understandable. I can only imagine how tiring it must be with two young children 😜. I also understand that pregnancy really takes a lot out of a ladies body and I don't see how you ladies do it! 😁 My wife and I only had one. It took just a little over a year for her drive to fully recover. I tried to be as patient as possible, but I was also a lot younger, immature and sometimes lashed out. But that was my experience and not necessarily yours as you have stated your sex life is still active.

I don't know your guy, so I can only make some educated guesses. But it sounds like something is really bothering him and stressing him on the inside. He might be having trouble communicating to you what is going on. I would suggest either writing him a letter or sitting down with him and saying something like baby, I love and care about you. We are are married and have kids and I want us to remain a family. But you talking to other women is really hurting our marriage and it's not acceptable. However, I want you to know that you can talk to me if something is going on.....

This will really get him thinking and hopefully he will open up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here's what I've gotten from what you've reported thus far:

You have been hotheaded and impulsive in the past. 

Your husband seeks "solace" after arguments by sexting other women. You don't specify if these women are total strangers or someone he knows.

You claim you've tried to "discuss" the issue with him. I assume you are trying to address his sexting.

It strikes me that neither you or your husband know how to handle disagreements as adults. You don't mention what the arguments are about. Regardless, your argument styles are not conducive to finding a solution to your problems. In fact, your husband has compounded the problems by sexting women.

Now you suggest the possibility of an open marriage. That doesn't sound like a particularly constructive way to solve your problems. In fact, it will compound the problems you already have.

Get counseling - individually and as a couple. You've got what sounds like a dumpster fire for a marriage right now. Work as a team to make it better or go your separate ways. Your life. Your choice.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

siana911 said:


> Hi guys. Just wanted to vent and share my story. Weve been married for 9 years going in 10 and were dating for 4 years before that. We have 2 beautiful children. Of course we fight, and yes i say hurtful things.. These are the times he finds solace and satisfaction with other women through sexting. Is it possible he is also cheating physically? I do not know. Are their any couples that have an open marriage? How is this going for you?


What hurtful things have you said?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You could always get yourself an online boyfriend and then your husband would know how it feels. Although, I wouldn't recommend doing that. Asking him if he thought it would be a good idea couldn't hurt, though.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> _*I highly recommend throwing out the idea of open marriage. *_



I highly recommend throwing out the piece of **** she's *married* to.

Jesus OP. How much MORE are you willing to lower your standards before it's* finally* enough to hold onto this fabulous prize you married?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> Here's what I've gotten from what you've reported thus far:
> 
> You have been hotheaded and impulsive in the past.
> 
> ...


Yeah, there seems to be a piece missing here.

How the hell do you get from _my husband sexts with other women after we get in arguments_ to _I’m wondering about an open marriage_…?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> How the hell do you get from _my husband sexts with other women after we get in arguments_ to _I’m wondering about an open marriage_…?


Excellent point. I hope the OP returns to shed some light on this.


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Your sex drive that is still in recovery mode is fully understandable. I can only imagine how tiring it must be with two young children 😜. I also understand that pregnancy really takes a lot out of a ladies body and I don't see how you ladies do it! 😁 My wife and I only had one. It took just a little over a year for her drive to fully recover. I tried to be as patient as possible, but I was also a lot younger, immature and sometimes lashed out. But that was my experience and not necessarily yours as you have stated your sex life is still active.
> 
> I don't know your guy, so I can only make some educated guesses. But it sounds like something is really bothering him and stressing him on the inside. He might be having trouble communicating to you what is going on. I would suggest either writing him a letter or sitting down with him and saying something like baby, I love and care about you. We are are married and have kids and I want us to remain a family. But you talking to other women is really hurting our marriage and it's not acceptable. However, I want you to know that you can talk to me if something is going on.....
> 
> This will really get him thinking and hopefully he will open up.


Side question here, why does it always have to be the woman who’s is fixing things ? Or trying different ways to communicate .. why can’t guys do that as well ?
Don’t get me wrong, I agree that this is a step to start proper communication.
But it just makes me angry that it’s mostly the woman who needs to find a way, start talking and fixing things .. while guys just shut down and take easy way out !


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rema-77 said:


> Side question here, why does it always have to be the woman who’s is fixing things ? Or trying different ways to communicate .. why can’t guys do that as well ?
> Don’t get me wrong, I agree that this is a step to start proper communication.
> But it just makes me angry that it’s mostly the woman who needs to find a way, start talking and fixing things .. while guys just shut down and take easy way out !


It doesn't. It takes two to make things work.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Why do you desire to stay in a relationship such as this? Do you not think you deserve better. As for open marriage that is a recipe for disaster. Had a neighborhood couple who got into this crap. Now they are divorced.


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