# inappropriate touching



## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

A couple months ago, my daughter (who is 9) came to me and told me that she used to touch her dad's penis. She said it happened 4 or 5 years ago and that it happened about 10 times. She said it hasn't happened for a long time. She said she asked to touch it. He denies that it happened. I tried kicking my husband out right after she told me. He didn't leave so I left. I came home 2 days later not sure of what to do. I called a counselor and it was reported to CPS. CPS did not investigate further. My daughter is still in counseling and will be for a while.

As I said, my husband still denies it. I finally decided to tell him I wanted a divorce last week. The reason it took me so long is because of my daughter. She loves her father very much and still does stuff with him. She is still loving towards him - hugs him, sits on his lap, plays with him, etc. So, that was very confusing to me. I have always believed her because she is a very honest girl and she HATES hurting anyone. My husband is still living with us - this is mostly because of the kids but also because even though I believe my daughter and have told my husband I don't believe him, I would feel so bad if he's actually telling the truth and she believes something happened when nothing actually did. My daughter told me today she wants to know when he's going to leave because she wants to be prepared. 

What do I do? I don't want to hurt my daughter by kicking him out right away, but I don't want him living here anymore. He makes me feel so guilty for not believing him. He says things like "I can't believe you'd think I'd do something like that". "Don't you love me or care about me?" "I love you so much". 

I'll finish by saying that my kids are taking the divorce news really well. No tears have been shed. Also, my husband is being nice and still helping out around the house doing laundry and stuff. It's just very awkward and I want him out. But I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt my kids.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Wow you're nice. 

If my child told me that, my husband would be in hospital or worse.
Get him out now!!! 
Call the police, remove him immediately. 

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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

If I do that, my daughter would be so upset. That's my problem. How do I remove him without upsetting her?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Assuming this is even real ...

There's no way to do that, there's simply no way for her father to suddenly not be there anymore and that not to "upset her." Particularly as this seems to be according to what you say the sole reason you want to divorce him. 

So what's being revealed by all of this therapy?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

helpme2016! said:


> If I do that, my daughter would be so upset. That's my problem. How do I remove him without upsetting her?


You won't be upsetting her. She just can't vocalize that.

And even if she's momentarily upset, she's 9. She sounds like a people pleaser, so she's confused. In the long run, she will THANK you for protecting her.


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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

assuming what is real? That he did it? The therapist and everyone on my side of the family believes my daughter. Even my husband has said that our daughter isn't a liar and he can see why people believe her.


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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

She is definitely a people pleaser. Thanks for your kind words!


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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

Also, that's not the sole reason for the divorce, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

helpme2016! said:


> assuming what is real? That he did it? The therapist and everyone on my side of the family believes my daughter. Even my husband has said that our daughter isn't a liar and he can see why people believe her.


So your choices are:

A. Upsetting her (temporarily, probably) if you leave. Possibly.

B. Wrecking her life permanently (possibly, if the abuse continues) if you stay.

What seems like the better choice?


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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

First off, I won't be leaving. His butt will be leaving.  Second, I totally understand what you're saying. Just very, very difficult.

Also, I don't want her to be without a father. Like I said, she loves him soooo much. I don't think she truly gets that she did nothing wrong. Also, with him at home, I can keep an eye on things. If he moves out, the kids will still visit him, but I won't be there to keep an eye on things.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

helpme2016! said:


> assuming what is real? That he did it? The therapist and everyone on my side of the family believes my daughter. Even my husband has said that our daughter isn't a liar and he can see why people believe her.


This can't be real. 
Why would your family let a monster to continue to live there. 


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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

I don't understand what you're saying. Are you saying you don't believe that it happened?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

helpme2016! said:


> I don't understand what you're saying. Are you saying you don't believe that it happened?


No I can't believe you didn't kick him out 5 minutes later after your child told you when he did. 
I bet he's been there months. 
You're making excuses for your peedo husband. 




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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

I get what you're saying. But when I tried to kick him out that night, I told him to get the f out and she was crying hysterically saying "I don't want you guys to get divorced. I don't want a new dad."


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> Wow you're nice.
> 
> If my child told me that, my husband would be in hospital or worse.
> Get him out now!!!
> ...


You would seriously believe a small child, who very well may be lying for attention, without any supporting evidence or suspicions whatsoever?

Wow.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

helpme2016! said:


> First off, I won't be leaving. His butt will be leaving.  Second, I totally understand what you're saying. Just very, very difficult.
> 
> Also, I don't want her to be without a father. Like I said, she loves him soooo much. I don't think she truly gets that she did nothing wrong. Also, with him at home, I can keep an eye on things. If he moves out, the kids will still visit him, but I won't be there to keep an eye on things.


OK, yes, don't leave . 

Of course she doesn't get she did nothing wrong. She is nine and wants to be daddy's girl. Understandable. My daughter is 15 and her dad is an *******, but she still thinks he hung the moon. Frustrating! But, your kids will not have to visit him, and they should NOT if you separate. She needs to be seen by the local Children's Alliance Center, or whatever it is called in your area. This is the agency that deals with sexual abuse claims.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

BioFury said:


> You would seriously believe a small child, who very well may be lying for attention, without any supporting evidence or suspicions whatsoever?
> 
> Wow.


And you would NOT believe a small child just because they are a "small child?"

???????? Are you for real?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> And you would NOT believe a small child just because they are a "small child?"
> 
> ???????? Are you for real?


I remember lying about all kinds of things when I was a small child. Whatever needed to be done to get attention, or get what I wanted.

So yes, I'm for real. I'm not the crazy one for actually wanting evidence to support what someone is saying. Would I totally disregard what the child said? No. But I'm not going to burn my house down because a 5 year old says he saw a whitewalker in it.


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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I don't really know what to say, yuck.
> 
> 9 is old enough to tell make believe apart from real life.
> 
> ...


Well, the other part of this is that she said she used to touch someone else's penis too (a young kid who doesn't know any better). I got confirmation this weekend that that actually did happen which is why I believe her even more. Also, she was specific in how it happened.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

helpme2016! said:


> Well, the other part of this is that she said she used to touch someone else's penis too (a young kid who doesn't know any better). I got confirmation this weekend that that actually did happen which is why I believe her even more. Also, she was specific in how it happened.


See here SecondTimeRound. Now some actual evidence, albeit very circumstantial, is being brought forth.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You have the testimony of a 9yo of something that happened several years ago? Is there hard evidence that the event occurred? I understand that we all want believe our kids, but don't necessarily ostracize your husband without proof. The system is supposed to be set up to be innocent until proven guilty. I will stay out of the legal portion of this thread as I am not a lawyer (nor did I stay at a Holiday Inn last night).


Regardless, your question was about how to divorce Dad without hurting your kids. 

Answer: there really is no way to do that. You have started in the best way possible, by being honest with your kids (Hopefully you and your husband together). Be up front that it is not their (the kids) fault and that you love them very much no matter what. When my ex and I divorced, we did this with them as well as had a meeting with the elementary school teachers and counselors. It was sad and not something I enjoyed doing, but I wanted to make sure that we were up front with our children as well as give them a support system if they needed it.


I will say that continuing to have your husband in the home and interacting with your children will not necessarily work in your favor. It could be argued that you are okay with him since you have taken no action regarding the allegations (read as restraining order or other legal action). Perhaps he will leave the home voluntarily, but if he doesn't want to, you cannot force him without a court order. Just saying.


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## helpme2016! (Jun 1, 2016)

C3156 said:


> I will say that continuing to have your husband in the home and interacting with your children will not necessarily work in your favor. It could be argued that you are okay with him since you have taken no action regarding the allegations (read as restraining order or other legal action). Perhaps he will leave the home voluntarily, but if he doesn't want to, you cannot force him without a court order. Just saying.


I agree. That's what I'm afraid of.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

First of all you need to get your H out of the house until this has been investigated and your DD has seen a counselor. Because this is a serious allegation. 

E.g in middle school a friend of my D told the school counselor that her dad touched her at night when she went to bed. The police was called and CPS. After days of investigating the girl told the social worker she made it up. Because her dad and mum was fighting a lot and her mum wanted him to leave. She lied so that her dad would leave and her mum could be happy.

Now for the other side to this coin, I was about that age when your breast are are coming out and my much older cousin would push me into a stairway or a corner and touch me. This went on for years. I told my mother and she even saw an event and she never said a word. Thats another story. 

What I am trying to say is that it is your duty to protect your children and that comes above everything else. If your H has any sense in his head, he would want to clear his name and make sure your child gets help. He can do this by moving away and staying away until this is all cleared up.

Don't buy his guilt trip. His words makes me think that something happen because his words makes him sound bad.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MrsAldi said:


> Wow you're nice.
> If my child told me that, my husband would be in hospital or worse.


Which just puts you in jail and him with sole custody. Not a smart move.


MrsAldi said:


> Call the police, remove him immediately.


CPS already chose to do nothing. What do you do when the police say this is a civil matter and refuse to remove him?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Is it possible she and the boy played dr or whatever and she just extended that to dad since he's s boy too? If she didn't know it was wrong in the first place why wouldn't she assume it would be wrong to say that?

My kids would talk about moms penis when they saw her pubic hair. 

It's very confusing to a child and get are curios about what everyone has and why they're different. Even moms is different if she has pubic hair.

I'm not saying I believe or don't believe.im saying kids are notoriously unreliable.

Remember the preschool years ago where the adults went to jail over a bunch of supposed sex acts? In the end it was all made up but the adult lives were ruined.

Why did cps drop the case?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'll finish by saying that my kids are taking the divorce news really well. No tears have been shed. Also, my husband is being nice and still helping out around the house doing laundry and stuff. It's just very awkward and I want him out. But I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt my kids.


Then you should not be torn about making him leave, if the kids have taken the news really well. Are you just wanting a possible molester to stay for you because you love him. Screw that he would be gone until I knew what was really going on.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why did CPS not get involved?

Had a friend who's kid got on the bus and said his father beat him, was a lie. The son wanted something and the dad refused to get it for him. The three kids never came back home until the investigation was over, two months later.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Don't you love me or care about me?" "I love you so much".

Something about this is off. It's all about him. It seems a loving father would want to get to the bottom of why his little girl is saying something like that and if he needs to leave for her benefit then he would. But, to appeal to your emotions to let him stay is creepy.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your job is to protect your 9 year old, no matter what she wants.

Even if she was the one reaching for her father's penis..years ago. There is a REASON why she did this? It was your husbands job to protect his 9 year old daughter. 

If a 9 year old says this, there is NO reason not to believe her. 

CPS did nothing. Call them yourself and get an investigation. They will either ask the father to be removed or have the child removed with you...while investigating.

A pedophile will not admit their guilt. If your husband isn't guilty then he will do what it takes to clear his name.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

ABHale said:


> Why did CPS not get involved?
> 
> Had a friend who's kid got on the bus and said his father beat him, was a lie. The son wanted something and the dad refused to get it for him. The three kids never came back home until the investigation was over, two months later.


States vary greatly. Our CPS is overwhelmed and a report like this probably wouldn't result in the kid being pulled. They would look at the time since the abuse, the difficulty in proving it plus that it doesn't look like it is continuing so they would move on.



Corpuswife said:


> CPS did nothing. Call them yourself and get an investigation. They will either ask the father to be removed or have the child removed with you...while investigating.


Unfortunately a number of women have used false abuse reports as a means to get sole custody. The trouble she'll run into is that some may dismiss this as such an attempt.

I'd try to document and show that you had NO troubles and NO thoughts of divorce until your daughter said this. 

Do NOT get the idea of disappearing with your daughter. Use the legal system. If you do, you can be the one in trouble. 



Corpuswife said:


> A pedophile will not admit their guilt. If your husband isn't guilty then he will do what it takes to clear his name.


So let's say he is innocent; how exactly should he be acting? A guilty man will claim innocence, an innocent man will claim the same. How do you tell them apart?


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Make him take a polygraph.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> And you would NOT believe a small child just because they are a "small child?"
> 
> ???????? Are you for real?


Not saying this is the case but McMartin preschool trial shows anyone of any age can lie convincingly


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@snerg yes that's probably the case I was referring to in post 27 above but I think OP has decided that's not worth thinking about.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

The girl is 9 years old now, and states that this happened about 4 or 5 years ago, and about 10 times? Most kids' memories are not really fully developed at 4 to 5 years old.

I'm not saying it didn't happen, but I would certainly question whether it did because of the damage this could do to a man's life and reputation. I once knew a guy who was married with kids before, and was going through a nasty divorce. One of his kids, according to the mother, accused him of something similar to this and it turned out to not be true. He suffered a lot of ridicule, legal troubles, tarnished reputation, and was kept away from his kids for a long time because of it. There's STILL doubt in some people's minds about whether it happened or not, and I knew the man well enough to know he didn't do it.

Our first instinct is to protect the kid, and rightfully so, but this is something that one has to be certain about before they make a blind accusation. Not knowing the persons involved, I can't say one way or the other, but erring on the side of caution is in order. If there is real proof that he did it, I'm all for castration and imprisonment for the rest of his natural life. I absolutely hate pedophiles, and so does the prison population.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Help,

You are doing the right thing - kicking him out. 

I can't speak for anyone else - but - in 'normal' parenting that type contact 'couldn't happen'. 

Because a typical dad is dressed properly and closes/locks bathrooms doors for toilet/shower activities. 

Supervised visitation?



helpme2016! said:


> Well, the other part of this is that she said she used to touch someone else's penis too (a young kid who doesn't know any better). I got confirmation this weekend that that actually did happen which is why I believe her even more. Also, she was specific in how it happened.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What made her reveal this now? Did he tell her not to tell anyone? 

What made her ask to touch her fathers penis? When I was 5, I didn't know my father had a penis. Was he exposing himself? 

Try and remember back 4 -5 years. Was your marriage good at the time. What is the nature of your problems. 

If you believe your daughter, why would you allow unsupervised visits. If you have a female child 4 or 5 yo, make sure that he is not abusing her. Is it possible that your other children were abused or saw abuse or are being abused. 

I'm surprised at the inaction of CPS. They are usually good at investigating. If CSA is reported they are require by law to act. Have you called them for an explaination. 

It's not unusual for a child to feel responsible and guilty. For that reason the majority CSA survivors never tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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