# Looking for suggestions and reasons-what to do



## No confidence (Jun 2, 2021)

My husband and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary and I feel we love each other very much still. Beginning was magical, we had so much sex but since I had children My drive decreased, I believe due to poor self image. I feel like I can’t be adventurous anymore because I’m afraid of what he sees, the weight that I’ve gained. I am about 40 to 50 pounds overweight. He has told me he would like me to initiate sex, but I always feel better when he does it makes me feel like he wants me I guess. I don’t know how to get over my insecurities in the bedroom. Does anyone have any suggestions


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

First, if that's your actual picture, please change it to an avatar to keep anonymous.


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## No confidence (Jun 2, 2021)

I should also add that my husband has informed me he’s bisexual which I found out probably about 10 years ago. Doesn’t bother me at all however he has been active with men a lot now and not with me at all. He says not to make him feel guilty because this is what he likes, but we are married and you can like whatever you like but when you marry someone you should stay with them, right? I just wonder if my lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom regarding initiation of sex has played a bigger role in pushing him to find sex elsewhere. The crazy thing is is that he wants me to accept him with other people but I would not be allowed to be with men, I could only be with women. So basically he has an open marriage and I have a closed one. I am bisexual as well but I just have no interest in anybody but my husband right now, so it’s pretty difficult. I know I just added a whole new element to the story but I really do need to find that confidence to let go sexually


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This will be an unpopular post amongst the 'woke' crowd, but it doesn't mean it's not true.

I wouldn't touch your husband with a 10 foot pole. I'm sorry, but a lot of bisexual and gay men are closeted and therefore, don't have the luxury of *screening* partners, etc. Some men have no problem having NSA sex with complete strangers they've literally just met - and will likely never see again because the opportunity doesn't arise often for them, so they take it when they can get it. So a lot of them are taking more risks simply because they have less opportunity.

More so, the risk of STDs is a lot *higher *with bisexuals and gays due to the nature of the sex. Sorry folks, but it's true. Look it up.

But, at least you know what he's out doing, so it's not like he's 'cheating' on you.

I don't have a magic answer for *why* you're so eager to find a way to jump around like a trained seal just to please a man who *clearly* doesn't respect you at ALL.

I don't get it, but good luck to you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This will be an unpopular post amongst the 'woke' crowd, but it doesn't mean it's not true.
> 
> I wouldn't touch your husband with a 10 foot pole. I'm sorry, but a lot of bisexual and gay men are closeted and therefore, don't have the luxury of *screening* partners, etc. Some men have no problem having NSA sex with complete strangers they've literally just met - and will likely never see again because the opportunity doesn't arise often for them, so they take it when they can get it. So a lot of them are taking more risks simply because they have less opportunity.
> 
> ...


Welcome back @She'sStillGotIt. We’ve missed you!!!


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

No confidence said:


> I should also add that my husband has informed me he’s bisexual which I found out probably about 10 years ago. Doesn’t bother me at all however he has been active with men a lot now and not with me at all. He says not to make him feel guilty because this is what he likes, but we are married and you can like whatever you like but when you marry someone you should stay with them, right? I just wonder if my lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom regarding initiation of sex has played a bigger role in pushing him to find sex elsewhere. The crazy thing is is that he wants me to accept him with other people but I would not be allowed to be with men, I could only be with women. So basically he has an open marriage and I have a closed one. I am bisexual as well but I just have no interest in anybody but my husband right now, so it’s pretty difficult. I know I just added a whole new element to the story but I really do need to find that confidence to let go sexually


You have to be kidding with this....😳


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> You have to be kidding with this....😳


This seems to be the week for bisexual husbands.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

So...he gets to have sex with others but you don't and you're...ok with this? How did he convince you of this brilliant idea? It's one thing to like men, it is completely another to stray outside your marriage and then to have the gall to expect your spouse to accept that. I can't imagine many people being ok with this. Why stay married? Your self-esteem issue is not weight-related, it is in accepting this malarkey as an acceptable way for him to treat you. It has zero to do with orientation. If he is banging other people, do you really want to expose yourself to STDs and heartbreak?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

No confidence said:


> I should also add that my husband has informed me he’s bisexual which I found out probably about 10 years ago. Doesn’t bother me at all however he has been active with men a lot now and not with me at all. He says not to make him feel guilty because this is what he likes, but we are married and you can like whatever you like but when you marry someone you should stay with them, right? *I just wonder if my lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom regarding initiation of sex has played a bigger role in pushing him to find sex elsewhere. The crazy thing is is that he wants me to accept him with other people but I would not be allowed to be with men, I could only be with women. So basically he has an open marriage and I have a closed one. I am bisexual as well but I just have no interest in anybody but my husband right now, so it’s pretty difficult.* I know I just added a whole new element to the story but _I really do need to find that confidence to let go sexually_


Maybe lack of sex opens him up to cheating but a lot of marriages have frustrated people in them who are low on sex and they don't all cheat. 

He is attempting to assuage his guilt by "allowing" you to do something you don't want to do. 

_This is absolutely not the issue. Your issue is a cheating husband. _


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Openminded said:


> This seems to be the week for bisexual husbands.


I've got my woke hat on. The term is switch hitters. Uppps, wrong hat. Hey, I tried. I'll always be Awoke.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The situation you describe OP has got to be the most awful I’ve heard. You are highly at risk of getting HIV, hepatitis, not even counting other diseases. 1:4 Americans have hpv, 1/5 have HSV2. Much higher in the gay 
Male community. Why you choose to be with a cheater is unfathomable to me.
Your insecurity and weight gain... a man who loves you wouldn’t notice your weight. 

You are gambling with your life by staying in this relationship.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Maybe some of your self image problems involve being married to a gay man who is sexually attracted to other men more than you.

Not the scenario most people envision as a desirable marriage/life.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

No Confidence, ain't no need to feel bad about a few extra pounds. Are you aware of how many men, when you want to take that road, like a chick with a little extra meat on their bones. If those extra snacks settled in your boobs and butt, all the more better. When you quit complaining about the lack of sex from your husband who'd rather lay up with men than a sexy chick with more cushion for the pushin, and you get out there lookin, you'll find out in a heart beat. If you want sessions with the chicks, find married ones who will bring their husbands on board for some hot three ways. You'll have the best of both worlds. You'll soon forget about sex with your husband and wishing he go get it on with one of his boyfriends rather than pestering you once ever blue moon.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m not saying any of this to be mean or rub salt into your wounds. I want you to be ok and do what’s best for you and your own well being in the long run.

I would rather tell you realities that may be uncomfortable to hear rather than placate you with comforting lies. 

I will not be as woke or politically correct about either the weight or sexual orientation.

Are there guys out there that kinda dig overweight women? Maybe. Most have settled for what they can get and have conditioned themselves to tolerate it. 

Gay men are notoriously into aesthetics and fitness. 

I’m using the term gay here because your H is living a gay lifestyle and getting down with dudes and not you. 

You are his wife in name only. He has you at home with the kids while he’s getting his sexual desires met by men. You are a Wife Appliance that takes care of the home and kids but does not get the love, honor, faithfulness and cherish that a wife deserves. 

One of the reasons gay guys dig dudes is because men ARE sexually assertive and adventurous and don’t have inhibitions due to body image. Chances are these guys are lean and fit as well...

...... in other words, what he digs sexually is the polar opposite from you.

This can not be fixed. 

Now about your weight. 50 lbs is not ok. That not only is a detriment to your attractiveness to men, but is a serious risk to your health and vitality and is a detriment to all areas of your life. Saying it’s ok to be 50 lbs overweight is like saying it’s ok to have cancer or COPD or diabetes and not treat it. 

The question you need to be asking is why you are SETTLING for all of this and allowing yourself to be in this position. 

You’re not happy for valid reason and if you were to take back your own life and take charge of your own life and we’ll being, you can be in a much better position with an actual heterosexual man that desires you and wants to be with you for more than a housekeeper and babysitter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And let’s be blunt; the only possible benefit to a bisexual partner is if they bring home people to share for 3somes etc. everything else is a detriment. It just gives them 3+ billion more people to get with without you. 

Not only are you not getting that, but he is not giving you love’ns himself and he is restricting you from your primary sexual preference while he gets with his primary preference. 

There is no way around this- you are simply being played and chumped and are coming away with nothing to show for it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can't understand why you would even want to have sex with a man who is sleeping around with other men. 
You need to leave, nothing will change unless you do. 
Your are seriously risking your very life here.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I can't understand why you would even want to have sex with a man who is sleeping around with other men.
> You need to leave, nothing will change unless you do.
> Your are seriously risking your very life here.


I would argue that if her sexual orientation is more monogamous that increasing tolerance along with enthusiasm in the bedroom for her husband would NOT be about improving her self confidence. It would be an exercise in self degradation and likely push her self confidence even lower.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

No confidence said:


> I should also add that my husband has informed me he’s bisexual which I found out probably about 10 years ago. Doesn’t bother me at all however he has been active with men a lot now and not with me at all. He says not to make him feel guilty because this is what he likes, but we are married and you can like whatever you like but when you marry someone you should stay with them, right? I just wonder if my lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom regarding initiation of sex has played a bigger role in pushing him to find sex elsewhere. The crazy thing is is that he wants me to accept him with other people but I would not be allowed to be with men, I could only be with women. So basically he has an open marriage and I have a closed one. I am bisexual as well but I just have no interest in anybody but my husband right now, so it’s pretty difficult. I know I just added a whole new element to the story but I really do need to find that confidence to let go sexually


Did he just unilaterally decide he was going to have an open marriage. If so, then that sounds like he basically abandoned you. Based on the information you have shared I see no reason for you to stay with him. He can do what he wants, but not you. And in fact he doesn't care if what he does has your approval or harms you. Does that seem even remotely fair?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sure, I have a suggestion. Divorce him. Get into serious counseling to locate your lost self-esteem. Get tested like yesterday for STD's.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm sorry, but a lot of bisexual and gay men are closeted and therefore, don't have the luxury of *screening* partners, etc. Some men have no problem having NSA sex with complete strangers they've literally just met - and will likely never see again because the opportunity doesn't arise often for them, so they take it when they can get it. So a lot of them are taking more risks simply because they have less opportunity.
> 
> More so, the risk of STDs is a lot *higher *with bisexuals and gays due to the nature of the sex.


Gay men aren’t promiscuous due lack of opportunities.

If people feel a sense of scarcity in their sexual market place, they are more apt to latch on to a potential partner and seek commitment, not become more promiscuous.

Gay men are promiscuous because they are males and their basic hardwiring is to not be exclusive to one mate. As their sexual market place is other men who are also seeking unrestricted sexual access, there is no one guarding the gates of sexual enterprise. There are no Gate Keepers, only Key Masters trying to turn their key in everything.

The person in this scenario with the scarcity mindset is the OP; that is why she is holding on to this terribly dysfunctional and maladaptive relationship and why she is allowing herself to be chumped so blatantly.

She believes she has no other options than some gay guy pulling her strings. 

He has a mentality of abundance so he has no regard for any kind of sexual exclusivity with her.

He can get all his needs met outside the marriage and have unrestricted sexual access in the gay community, so he feels no sexual obligation to her in any manner.


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