# Am I CRAZY..........or NOT



## Sunshine2013 (Aug 20, 2013)

I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years. I love him very much and over the years we have been through a lot together and I stayed. He got sick 8 months after we got together and was put on pain pills and morphine. He was up to 200mg a day of morphine and my life was very lonely. He doesn't remember very much of those 2 years. Even though I was very lonely and we were living with my in-laws which sucked. I stayed and took care of him. He was almost bed ridden. He was completely dependent on me for EVERYTHING. I took him to the university hospital and we discovered what was wrong with him. He went on Enbrel shots once a week and with in 3 days he was out of bed and moving around. He came off the morphine cold turkey and it was a very long 4 days. In the 5 years we have been married he has only worked a year. I worked and paid all the bills, I even worked 2 jobs. He has a 21 yr old daughter with his ex-wife. Him and his ex-wife are still friends and they have a very unusual relationship I must say. She has been married 4 times now and every time her world is falling apart she runs to my husband. He's been there through every break up, divorce. He has stopped at the store to see her after work and failed to mention it. While I was in another state he went Christmas shopping with her for their daughter and paid for the underwear from Victoria secrets. 

She is one of these people who is obsessed about the bible and preaches to everybody she can and then turns around and has premarital sex, gets pregnant and runs off to get married so that nobody knows she's a fake. He was paying her child support in cash and she went down to the court and said she wasn't getting anything because she was mad at him and they back dated the child support for 3 years added interest and put him 25,000.00 in arrears. We had went to every court date, notified the court that he had filed for disability. In June 2012 he supposedly had a court date and she called us 10 min before it started and asked where we were. We never got served any papers, his case worker was out on medical leave so they issued a failure to appear warrant for his arrest. One week later they showed up at our home to take him to jail. He was not allowed to have any medication whatsoever in jail for his condition because they are narcotics. He has a rare form of arthritis kind of like Rheumatoid arthritis. I spent the whole day trying to come up with 5,000 to bail him out. They told me that morning if she was willing to take less then that because I only had 1,000.00 then they would lower the bail. Well she refused, and I came up with the money and got him out. I told him when he walked out of the jail that his little friendship with her was over. No more conversations on the phone, no more hanging out together NOTHING. I would watch her baby for her and she would come by and say hi when his daughter was at the house. I have been asked to spend holidays with her by their daughter and of course I said no. Oh and while she was saying he owed this so called support, their daughter was living with us, we bought her a car, paid her car insurance, paid her cell phone, fed her, bought her school clothes and supplies, class ring, yearbooks. and she still got child support. when I was going to bring it up to the judge my husband didn't want me too. 

Well on July 4th 2012 my husband had a heart attack and I rushed him to the hospital. They didn't know at first it was a heart attack so they admitted him and the next morning they performed a heart cath and discovered that he had blockages and they were trying to make their own bypass. They put in in ICU while they waited for transport to a bigger hospital for open heart surgery. I called his daughter who at the time was 20 and told her. She showed up and 30 min later her mother showed up. Told the ICU nurse she was his wife and wanted to be let in. The nurse came to me and told me she was there and I refused to let her in. So after my husband got transferred and was in surgery, his ex-wife sent him a facebook message telling him she still loved him. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to cause more stress to my husband. The day before his surgery she showed up with her parents and I was calm and nice. After she left my mom looked at me and said you know she still loves him right. I said why do you say that, she said it's all over her face. he came home from the hospital, I took care of him. I also have an 8 yr old who I was taking care of besides him, working etc. Well after he got cleared from the doctor he was going to out local park and walking EVERYDAY. I would ask him to walk with me everyday and he wouldn't go, but he started going why I was at work. Then one day I get a phone call from a mutual friend who just seen my husband with his ex-wife at the park......walking. So I called him and said have you talked to your ex lately. He said no why, I said well she put on FB that her daughter was sick so I was just wondering what was wrong with her. He said no I have not talked to her............She was standing next to him when I called. So they next morning while he was sleeping, I went through his phone. I found conversations that were like. I miss you, we should hang out, Her saying I still love you. Him saying it's funny how after all these years I finally turned into the man you always wanted me to be. Maybe while my wife is working one of her 2 jobs we can go to a movie. I was so mad, and so hurt I closed the phone and went to work. Think I was in shock. So when I got home that night I confronted him about it and told him I went through his phone. He was pissed and we got into a huge fight. If he would not have lied to me, I would not have went through his phone. He made me feel like he had something to hide. He said there is nothing going on. They were just friends. If that's all it was then why be secretive about it? Why would you make plans to hang out with your ex when your married? Their daughter is 21 yrs old and living her own life. She has a great head on her shoulders, she doesn't do drugs, very responsible, honest, and very trustworthy. After that point I think is when I started pulling away from my husband. He couldn't understand why I was so mad. Then he talked to his best friend and his best friend was like yeah that's not cool, you don't hang out with your ex. Then my husband was like yeah your right it's not cool. It took me a little bit to get over the hurt but I was starting too. 

Then on Christmas day we had to take my father in law to the hospital and it turned out that he had soft tissue sarcoma caused by Agent Orange from Vietnam. Out of his 3 children only one works and she doesn't drive and is bipolar and his wife doesn't not work. Every time he had to go to the doctor, I left work and took him, yes my husband went with me, but the rest of them stayed home. My mother in law called me on a Monday morning, 5 days after his 1st chemo treatment and said h feels he needs to be hospitalized. I left work went and picked him up with my husband. We walked out the door while my sister in law and mother in law stood there in their pajamas and said call me and let me know something. He was not admitted till 11:00 that night. I spent 2 days sleeping in a chair at the hospital. He had me call his family and tell them he didn't want any of them there except my husband and I. His cancer was to aggressive and nothing could be done. He made the decision with me to not continue to fight and just go home and live his days in peace. After he got home and went on hospice care. My mother in law went out of town for the weekend. In the 6 years I have been part of this family, she NEVER went away for the night ever. So my husband and I went and took care of him. As he got sicker, the family would always run to my husband and I to take care of him. One night I left my in laws at 10:30 and went home while my husband stayed there to take care of his dad. The next day I was on FB and my friend said I talked to your husbands ex and she said your father in law was not doing to good. I said when did she say that, she said she talked to your husband last night. I had told his ex-wife she didn't need to call my husband and the phone call took place after I left at 10:30. She didn't know if I was with him or not. So he called her and when I confronted him he said he called her. Her I am talking care of his dad when I really didn't have to step up and do anything. And he's calling his ex after I leave. Then Easter weekend while I was sleeping in a chair next to his dad who was becoming less responsive by the hours. He was across the hall way saving pictures of his ex-wife off FB to his phone, his sister was out of town and his mother was down stairs refusing to come into the room. We got into it again and he simply told me his dad was dying and he didn't need this right now. I was awake for 41 hours straight. Crushing pills to medicate him through a syringe, keeping his lips wet so they wouldn't crack and bleed. I sat there holding his hand praying for god to take him, and begging him to stop fighting while he was spitting up fluid from his lungs all over me. I just sat there and held his hand. I promised that man I would be there when he took his last breath and I was. He fought letting go ALL night. His wife wakes up the next morning and says I heard him all night. She got dressed took his sister to work and went shopping while her husband took his last breath. After all was said and done I got a big fat F-U from his family and we no longer have anything to do with each other. 

The weekend after he died, I went shopping for something to wear for the funeral with my girlfriend, while we were out she wanted to go to the jewelry store. So while we were in there, I found something for my husband for his birthday. We placed the order in her name so he wouldn't see it on the bank statement. I paid half down and the remaining half was 2 weeks later. Well 2 weeks later I went back paid the remaining balance. I told him where I was going and that they didn't open till noon and it was an hour away. I called him after I was done and told him I would be home soon. My girlfriend and I were planning a surprise party for my husband. I met with her for about and hour going over stuff and then on the way home it dawned on me that this will be his first birthday without his dad. I was upset so I stopped by the cemetery. I left my phone in my car and he tried calling for 20 min and since I didn't answer because I was sitting at a headstone, then I was doing something I should not have been doing. So he called the place I got his present from and their was nothing in my name. So he was all pissed off about it, well we got into a big fight and I finally told him why it wasn't in my name, and that I was planning a surprise party for him. I keep my phone on lock, it has been on lock for years. At one point in time my husband had his phone on lock. I also keep it in my sports bra at night because my boxers don't have pockets. I play games on my phone, FB all the time. All my family lives in FL so we talk on FB and text a lot. 

He kept saying your so secretive with your phone and I check it every night and it's locked. I have my bank info and my boss social and banking info in my phone so yes my phone stays locked. He said your seeing someone or something is going on. I agreed to take my phone off lock and went to bed. Well while I was sleeping he was went through my phone. He found nothing inappropriate in my phone or on FB. No text messages, no emails, nothing. Because there is nothing. He did find that I had 2 conversations with a number that was not even saved in my phone. He went through all my guy friends on FB till he found out who's number it was. It's a guy who I know from bartending my 2nd job that held a benefit at the bar to raise money for combat veterans. He called me because my number is on my FB and asked me how to get in touch with the bands that played at the bar where I used to work. Somehow that guy has his FB set up that you can't search for him by name and since my husband couldn't find him then there is something going on. Told me if he finds out then we are done and he's beating his ass. I am sitting there like really. Every time I would leave the house, where ya going, whos gonna be there, he calls me all the time if I go out with my friends. I never call him when he goes out with his friends. I work all day, come home clean up the house, cook dinner do laundry, cut the grass. He is getting better at doing things around the house but I was so frustrated coming home having to do all that stuff everyday when he's home all day long. I was suppose to go out and celebrate one of my friends birthdays. She decided on Saturday morning to not go to the bar and go somewhere else instead. I decided I wanted to get away so I left the house at 7 went to bass pros shops to apply for accredit card, looked at hunting stuff and then went to the mall and to walmart. Before I left the house I was complaining about my phone and the battery life not being very good. I spoke with my husband 3 times after I left the house and 2 of my friends. I had to go to the car and put my cell phone on the charger so cause I only had 9% battery life. He called while my phone was in the car and because I didn't answer he got pissed. He went all over facebook till he found my friends page that he is not friends with and went through it till he found her page to see if we went out. But before that he was like where did you all go, did you take pictures. I knew then that he knew I didn't go but I wanted to see how far he would go and who he would question to find out. Does it make it right, no it does not. But I looked through his phone again a couple weeks prior to that and he was still talking to his ex. He says she calls me, and I don't answer half the time. She tells me he calls her. So I looked in his phone and he forgot to delete the calls and sure enough he called her. With that being said. I am suppose to keep my phone off lock, and let him have access to my phone calls, emails, FB whenever he sees fit but he won't stop talking to his ex-wife. I would totally understand if their daughter was a child but she is a grown woman and when you have to sneak around there's a reasons. 

So now when we fight he says I am freaking crazy about it and I won't let the past go. I tried telling him it's not the past when it still happens in the present. So for the last month or so we have been sleeping in separate rooms, we no longer end conversations on the phone with I love you. I told him that I am not in love with him. I am in love with the man that I married. He's not that person and a lot of it is his medication but I married him because I love him and I didn't want him to change. Now I am trying to figure out if I can live with the man that he has become. Also I was abused as a child by grandfather and I think losing his dad might have triggered some things for me, because his dad was like the only grandfather figure I ever had in my life and now he is gone. I haven't left him, I am still there because I don't know what to do......Last Tuesday he was acting weird and I called him at 3:00 to remind him to pick up our daughter from school at 3:30 and I asked him what he was doing. He said he was walking around Walmart just looking. He don't like going anywhere and walking around unless he has money to spend so I was like hmmmm. Then when I got home I was like I am gonna go cut the grass and he was like ok. Lately he just says no I will do it but he let me cut it. He was just acting weird, so I thought about it all night. So on Wednsday I said did you see your ex-wife yesterday and he replied of all the people for me to run into, I ran into her as I was leaving walmart. I said that was planned it was no accident and he says this why we have problems. then Friday he told me that I am crazy about this whole ex-wife thing. I feel like he has chosen their "FRIENDSHIP" over our marriage. No matter what I say it doesn't stop. Their daughter is 21 she does not need guidance from a woman who has been married 4 times, who has gone to college 3 times and still has no degree. Who sins like crazy but acts like the CHRISTIAN SAINT ALL OVER FACEBOOK. I told him last night your daughter, is stronger, smarter, more dependable and has a way better head on her shoulders then your ex-wife has ever had. your ex if not calling with concerns for your daughter, she calling because she still loves you and you keep letting her push her way into our lives. I have done everything for this man but whip his butt. I have bad kidneys nobody takes care of me but me. I have never asked him to do anything but love me and never make me question his love. But now he has me questioning if I am really crazy about all this or am I right. I need an outside opinion. Please help................


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Can you go back and edit your post and break it down in paragraphs it's hard to read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Gosh, I'm not sure if there is much you can do besides requesting a separation. He needs a wake up call to realize clearly what his two choices are. End the EA with the ex-wife and recommit to you, or divorce and he can do whatever he wants. I think you have ever single right to demand that he end all contact with his ex. IF an emergency comes up relating to their daughter, then she can call you. If a non emergency situation requires his input related to their daughter, perhaps she can e-mail you and you'll relay it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You know what? FVCK THIS SH!T. You need to dump this worthless POS. He is a cheater, a liar, a user, no job....Why in god's name are you putting up with this crap? Divorce him and let him go back to his ex wife.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> You know what? FVCK THIS SH!T. You need to dump this worthless POS. He is a cheater, a liar, a user, no job....Why in god's name are you putting up with this crap? Divorce him and let him go back to his ex wife.


probably not what the OP wants to hear but probably sound advice


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Since you ask the question you ARE crazy.

What is it that you see in him. Why must you have him. You sound like you could have anybody. Dont waste your life.


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Wow - how are you still even conversing with this guy - let alone still married to him? I'd let him and his ex-wife and their daughter rot in their own toxic waste.

You need to put your 8 year old and yourself first and get away from them all and start enjoying life. These people will continue to treat you like this until you put a stop to it.

Also feel sorry for ex wife's baby - now there's a fecked up life waiting to happen - poor little thing.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You know the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So yes, you are a little crazy.

You obviously have a good head on your shoulders, why not use it to analyze the situation? If you step back, it should not take you long to realize what a fu<ked up place you are. I'm sorry, the whole situation surrounding your husband, inlaws, and your husband's ex is nuts. How you manage to put with that crap is beyond me. 

Do you want your daughter to grow up surrounded by this? You should look out for her well being and get her as far away from this situation as you can. It is obvious that your husband will not change, time to take action and make some changes on your own.


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## StayInIt (Jul 27, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> You know what? FVCK THIS SH!T. You need to dump this worthless POS. He is a cheater, a liar, a user, no job....Why in god's name are you putting up with this crap? Divorce him and let him go back to his ex wife.


BAIL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stay FB friends his adult daughter, but divorce him.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Sunshine2013 (Aug 20, 2013)

Thank you for all the advice, I was wondering if maybe I was just being crazy about the whole thing. I am struggling with so many things right now. It would be wonderful if my marriage wasn't one of those things. I often wonder how I ever let it get like this, guess love makes you do crazy things. I just thought maybe I was overreacting seeing's how they do have a child together, even though she is 21. I realize now that I wasn't and I have some changes to make in my life and start living for mine and my daughters happiness first. Thanks again


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Sunshine, I don't know why you tolerate the way he treats you. Does he contribute anything positive to the marriage? 

You have given, and given and given. You supported him, you worked two jobs, you nursed him, you nursed his father. You did more for your FIL than his own wife and adult children did. What has he done? He takes, and takes and takes....then gives you nothing but grief and lies. 

You know why he's accusing you of cheating? Because cheaters project their behavior onto the spouses. Ironic how they can't stand the thought of being cheated on.

Sunshine, it's time to take care of yourself because its obvious he isn't going to.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Sunshine, feel free to return here for updates and advice/thoughts regarding your plans and approach to moving forward, with or without your husband.


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## Sunshine2013 (Aug 20, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Sunshine, feel free to return here for updates and advice/thoughts regarding your plans and approach to moving forward, with or without your husband.


Thanks, I have been checking and reading as much as I can. I am moving out tomorrow. We both sat down and talked and this is what is best for right now. I tried this about a month and a half ago but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Doesn't seem so bad now and I am ready.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Heh. He threatened to leave you?

I'm sorry - you've empowered this dude so much he feels he's best thing since sliced bread. You know what to do. What you need to ask yourself is why you put up with him so far. He provides nothing, brings precious little onto the table, and he cheats, and yet you put up with him.


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## Sunshine2013 (Aug 20, 2013)

caladan said:


> Heh. He threatened to leave you?
> 
> I'm sorry - you've empowered this dude so much he feels he's best thing since sliced bread. You know what to do. What you need to ask yourself is why you put up with him so far. He provides nothing, brings precious little onto the table, and he cheats, and yet you put up with him.


No he doesn't want me to leave, he wants me to stay so we can work our problems out. I am the one leaving, he seen his ex-wife again last week and told me yesterday that if we decide to stay together then he will tell her that she can only call if their daughter is hurt. That this will be the last chance for his marriage. I feel it should have never even got started......


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I wish you the best but I could not have put up with what you have. Marriages are a two way street and right now you are the only one on that street. I can't believe you have stayed and put up with all the ex-wife s&&t. 
Take care of you and your daughter. You deserve a partner and love of your life......


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm with Tomara. I would never put up with such behaviour, neither would I put anyone else through it. 

The reality of his situation is dawning on him now so he'll promise heaven an earth to get you back, but do you believe he really will stop? I honestly don't. However, that's your call not mine.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sunshine2013 said:


> No he doesn't want me to leave, he wants me to stay so we can work our problems out. I am the one leaving, he seen his ex-wife again last week and told me yesterday that if we decide to stay together then he will tell her that she can only call if their daughter is hurt. That this will be the last chance for his marriage. I feel it should have never even got started......


Of COURSE he wants you to stay, you are his mommy and his meal ticket. He isnt going to change, so keep making your escape plan. You're just saving face at this point.


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## Sunshine2013 (Aug 20, 2013)

My mom raised me to love like crazy. When I was growing up I remember her meeting my dad at the door after work with something to drink, I remember her getting up even on her days off and making him lunch and kissing him goodbye. I remember that our house was always clean, she would always help my dad in the yard and dinner was made every night. Children live what they learn, and this is exactly how I am or was I should say. Because no more am I going to give and give to someone and not get anything in return. I have done everything for this man and his family and have not gotten anything in return but a slap in the face and disrespected. I am done taking care of everybody else and now I am doing things for me. I am going to work on my personal issues and move the heck on with my life. This is about to become the Diary of a Mad WHITE woman and I am going to go all MADEA CRAZY on him..........I moved out yesterday and I woke up this morning for the first time today in years with a smile on my face. Thank you for all the advice, I am going to stick around here and keep reading, these posts help a great deal.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

That's awesome Sunshine! Good for you! :smthumbup:


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