# Talk about sex



## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

wife called me from work because of work issues and literally tells me that she needs me to *(&3 her hard tonight to shake off the stress. I said I was more than happy to help her with her stress. I'm thinking all day about the fun time we will have tonight. We get home from work, we talk about her day, we eat, she tells me her stomach is bothering her, the night comes and she gives me a kiss good night and goes to sleep.

I'm at a point where I ignore all remote sexual advances as I know my wife is just a ball of emotions. The true essence of a woman as I have seen. I'm sucking it up but her winding me up gets annoying. How do you handle this?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SongsAboutJane said:


> I'm at a point where I ignore all remote sexual advances as I know my wife is just a ball of emotions. The true essence of a woman as I have seen. I'm sucking it up but her winding me up gets annoying. How do you handle this?


I am sorry you feel this way, I wonder if you to are also a ball of emotions as well? Since I can't see how this won't effect you.

As to that being the true essence of a woman, I can't say that has been my experience. Fortunately not all women do this and unfortunately some men also do this as well.

To be fair she may have genuinely had an upset stomach, it can and does happen sometimes, so she may genuinely have no longer been up for it.

I wonder if you have kids, since you could have played before dinner. That said even with kids my wife and I on occasion will shut our bedroom door and play day or night while the kids are still up since sometimes we just can't wait. So don't discount shutting the door on the kids and either locking it, explaining that they can't come in without permission or putting a note on the door (age dependent of course).

The other question is, does your wife do this usually or is this something that simply occurs sometimes?

As to handling this, the only way to find a solution is to talk to your wife, find out how she feels about it and express how you feel about it. Then go from there. It shouldn't be about sucking it up, it should be about communicating with each other without fear of what you both might think or how one will react.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Little boy wanders from the village into the nearby forest...after a few minutes he shouts 'HELP! WOLF!'...all the villagers come running to his aid....there was no wolf.

Next day he does the same thing....'HELP! WOLF!'....and the villagers ran to his aid....there was no wolf.

Next day he does the same thing....'HELP! WOLF'....this time the villagers ignored his cries.....except this time there WAS a wolf.

You wife seems to be crying 'WOLF' too often. Just ignore it. She'll soon get the message.

I'm afraid this behaviour is fairly typical. If a man is more or less promised a good time when he gets home through txt messages Whats App etc then when the time comes his spouse 'has a headache', it is a big deal for us but not for them.

Why? Sex is far more important to us than it is to them. The men married to women who understand this are very lucky indeed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you say to your wife when she does these sorts of things? What does she say about it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you say to your wife when she does this?

What does she say about it?


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

Personal said:


> To be fair she may have genuinely had an upset stomach, it can and does happen sometimes, so she may genuinely have no longer been up for it.
> 
> 
> The other question is, does your wife do this usually or is this something that simply occurs sometimes?



I didn't mean to imply that she lied, her stomach was feeling bad. I took the path of least resistance. I was planning on waking her up early to give her what she asked, but I'm going to ignore her sexual advance. I have chosen to try to not get worked up over it. I also don't want to seem like I am asking for sex and I don't look forward to being rejected.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

askari said:


> You wife seems to be crying 'WOLF' too often. Just ignore it. She'll soon get the message.
> 
> I'm afraid this behaviour is fairly typical. If a man is more or less promised a good time when he gets home through txt messages Whats App etc then when the time comes his spouse 'has a headache', it is a big deal for us but not for them.
> 
> Why? Sex is far more important to us than it is to them. The men married to women who understand this are very lucky indeed.



i'm choosing to ignore it. I woke her up this morning, gave her a kiss and massaged her a bit, then I came over here to see the replies. She is taking a shower, if she needs me, I am here.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What do you say to your wife when she does this?
> 
> What does she say about it?



Usually I would ask her if she wanted to continue what she asked for, then find myself getting rejected. I get in a bad mood, and then we end up not having sex for a few weeks. as far as what she says about it, usually she is not in the mood, or she has a pain, or simply no.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

eat? EAT?

Next time rip her clothes off, do her on the couch, then say "hey, what's for dinner?"

you have an odd set of priorities


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> eat? EAT?
> 
> Next time rip her clothes off, do her on the couch, then say "hey, what's for dinner?"
> 
> you have an odd set of priorities


She already gave me two clues that it wasn't going to happen. Stomach and she went to bed. Any attempts at that point would be futile. Tommorrow is another day. I used to be like that, the tables turned on day. My priorities now are to give myself value, I'm working out, dressing better, I can't be paying mind to her roller coaster of emotions. Otherwise I'll be sitting right next to her on that ride.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If her words are unreliable, give them little weight and concentrate on responding to her actions. On the phone, she told you what you wanted to hear so you got worked up. You know her and you know what the actual odds are of her wanting sex when you get home. If my wife called and told me she wanted me to ride her like a stolen mule when I got home, I'd play along over the phone but I wouldn't consider it a serious offer because I know her. The odds are better that I'd be struck by lightning and win the lottery before I got home. Once I got home, I'd be present and willing but I certainly wouldn't be expecting anything.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If her words are unreliable, give them little weight and concentrate on responding to her actions. On the phone, she told you what you wanted to hear so you got worked up. You know her and you know what the actual odds are of her wanting sex when you get home. If my wife called and told me she wanted me to ride her like a stolen mule when I got home, I'd play along over the phone but I wouldn't consider it a serious offer because I know her. The odds are better that I'd be struck by lightning and win the lottery before I got home. Once I got home, I'd be present and willing but I certainly wouldn't be expecting anything.



That is the stance I'm trying to take. It is tough though. I read though my highlighted noted of a book I got to help me through this. But again still tough. 

"A woman with a more feminine sexual essence will say she loves you one moment, and then, when you have done something you are not even aware of, she will say she hates you. This is the beauty of the feminine; to her, the masculine grid of words and events is less relevant than the fluidity of relationship and feeling. Thank God for such women, who make no apologies for their oceanic depth and riptides of emotions." David Daida
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

SAJ - I am totally with you on this.My wife has never said (verbally or via text etc) that she 'wanted' when I got home (or at any other time) I used to try and initiate.

I would probably get rejected 80% of the time, 10% was duty and 10% she was into it.
It got worse over the years to the point where I am simply no longer interested in having any form of a sexual relationship with my wife.
I so wish women realised the damage so much rejection can do.

SAJ - I wish I wasnt in this position....please speak to your wife and make it perfectly clear how you feel about it otherwise you will end up a resentful and sex less husband like me. Its not healthy.

If your wife isnt prepared to actually listen (as against just 'hear' you) please have a re think about your future.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

askari said:


> SAJ - I am totally with you on this.My wife has never said (verbally or via text etc) that she 'wanted' when I got home (or at any other time) I used to try and initiate.
> 
> I would probably get rejected 80% of the time, 10% was duty and 10% she was into it.
> It got worse over the years to the point where I am simply no longer interested in having any form of a sexual relationship with my wife.
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I was resentful, still pretty much sexless, but no longer resentful. My future is definitely on my mind. 

Also I already did talk to her. I told her a few months ago, that with the constant rejection I'm at a point where I'd rather not have sex with her. Since then I have not made one sexual comment, joke, or advance. though few and far between, she is now making the sexual jokes, comments, and advances. I try my best follow through when she does make advances, even though half the time they don't lead to anything.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Perhaps you need to be very plain and tell her it's like you texting her that there will be a big surprise in the driveway/your pocket/in a little box, etc. (whatever reflects her love language) when she gets home. She'd be excited all day wondering what was up and then gets home and the item is a pebble. How anti-climactic. 

Aside from illness that suddenly sets in, noone should make promises they can't keep. Leading you on sexually is exactly the same. I realize in the moment she was in the mood or feeling flirtatious and maybe after a difficult afternoon not so much. But if you promised in the morning to do something for her (mow the grass, run an errand, fix dinner - whatever) and then bailed all of the time, she would likely get resentful just as you are with her empty promises. I'd tell her these examples to demonstrate how it makes you feel and the lack of sex is diminishing your feelings of love and driving a wedge due to lack of intimacy. Assert that you don't want pity sex or obligatory sex but that you expect her to find a way to kindle the fire. Offer to go to marriage counseling or read a book together like one of the MANY that are often recommended here.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Perhaps you need to be very plain and tell her it's like you texting her that there will be a big surprise in the driveway/your pocket/in a little box, etc. (whatever reflects her love language) when she gets home. She'd be excited all day wondering what was up and then gets home and the item is a pebble. How anti-climactic.
> 
> Aside from illness that suddenly sets in, no one should make promises they can't keep. Leading you on sexually is exactly the same. I realize in the moment she was in the mood or feeling flirtatious and maybe after a difficult afternoon not so much. But if you promised in the morning to do something for her (mow the grass, run an errand, fix dinner - whatever) and then bailed all of the time, she would likely get resentful just as you are with her empty promises. I'd tell her these examples to demonstrate how it makes you feel and the lack of sex is diminishing your feelings of love and driving a wedge due to lack of intimacy. Assert that you don't want pity sex or obligatory sex but that you expect her to find a way to kindle the fire. Offer to go to marriage counseling or read a book together like one of the MANY that are often recommended here.


You are right, this is my fault as I keep ignoring it. Sex is not the only thing that she bails on me. I have to continually ask her what the status is of something. A few weeks ago I asked her to tell her mother that was visiting not to put garbage in the garage that I will take it out if it needs to go out. A week went by and my garage was full of garbage, snakes, and roaches. I cleaned it out and spoke to her mother, telling her that I would take the garbage out, to please not leave it in the garage. Later my wife finds out, and she got mad and said she was planning on telling her mom. I looked at her square and said "I asked you and you did nothing about it. I needed this resolved" A little harsh, but to the point.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> eat? EAT?
> 
> Next time rip her clothes off, do her on the couch, then say "hey, what's for dinner?"
> 
> you have an odd set of priorities


If I call or text my husband that I'm stressed and I need him to _____to shake off the stress.

THIS ABOVE (Murphy) is exactly what I am looking for.

When I come home and he's all sweet to me it IS a turn off and I feel rejected, since after all, I already told him what I wanted/needed. I wonder if MAYBE she is looking for you to take charge, and when you don't, she is feeling rejected and then turned off because you won't just "take her."

If this is something you would be willing to do, I say go for Murphy's suggestion. If not, you need to tell her that is NOT who you are so you can stop this cycle. 

We went through this exact same thing.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ew. The bugs and vermin didn't bother her? I guess she never goes out that way? Never understood garbage in the garage unless it's in a can with a lid. Garbage = bugs/rodents, rodents = snakes.

Maybe she meant to but never goes out that way and/or never saw her mother putting it out there. Doesn't seem harsh unless you yelled it. Delivered nonchalant I'd have no issue with that.

I think most marriages can be saved with a lot of communication, canning the ego and embracing the feelings that brought you together in the first place. Good luck!


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

SongsAboutJane said:


> wife called me from work because of work issues and literally tells me that she needs me to *(&3 her hard tonight to shake off the stress. I said I was more than happy to help her with her stress. I'm thinking all day about the fun time we will have tonight. We get home from work, we talk about her day, we eat, she tells me her stomach is bothering her, the night comes and she gives me a kiss good night and goes to sleep.
> 
> I'm at a point where I ignore all remote sexual advances as I know my wife is just a ball of emotions. The true essence of a woman as I have seen. I'm sucking it up but her winding me up gets annoying. How do you handle this?


Why did you talk about her day? You should have pounced on her at the door, with passion.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

SeekingEcstasy said:


> Why did you talk about her day? You should have pounced on her at the door, with passion.


We had plans already. We have a family. Son has issues with seeing us even kissing, any suspicion and he is knocking on our door.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

SongsAboutJane said:


> We had plans already. We have a family. Son has issues with seeing us even kissing, any suspicion and he is knocking on our door.


"Here's ten bucks, go to a movie."


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You could have just watched some porn and spanked the monkey after getting into bed. If she asked, tell her that you understand that she's not up to sex tonight, but her texts made you look forward to an orgasm, and you were going to have one. With or without her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is the son?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

As someone with IBS I know full well how amazing the day can start...looking forward to sex in the evening bc your stomach feels decent enough and totally texting in excitement to DH "it's ON tonight!!" only to later eat lunch and have the whole rest of the day ruined w/tummy problems.

I've learned to not text about sex until after I eat lunch so I can gauge how I'll be feeling later. 

Even still,just bc one person's tummy is jacked doesn't mean they can't please their partner in other ways. Maybe she could try to still connect physically with you somehow even if PIV is off the table?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. Sit her down and tell her in so many words, "put up or shut up" because I'm tired of your half ass games and your not putting up with games any longer.

Second thing I would do is let her walk a mile in your shoes and when she's really in the mood, tell her you have a stomach ache and go to bed. Maybe, she'll get the message.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Man, I read thru your threads. I can only shake my head. Your wife is nothing but an attention seeking drama _______. I question whether she even feels love for you in the normal sense. She also comes across as emotionally stunted, but then again I haven't heard her side. 

Why do you still allow her to have these guy friends on the side that are basically EA's? I know you said that you cheated on her, but when does this stop? 

You both need psychological help. Seriously.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> If her words are unreliable, give them little weight and concentrate on responding to her actions. On the phone, she told you what you wanted to hear so you got worked up. You know her and you know what the actual odds are of her wanting sex when you get home. If my wife called and told me she wanted me to ride her like a stolen mule when I got home, I'd play along over the phone but I wouldn't consider it a serious offer because I know her. The odds are better that I'd be struck by lightning and win the lottery before I got home. Once I got home, I'd be present and willing but I certainly wouldn't be expecting anything.


My wife would never call and say anything like that, so I don't have the issue.

Don't know what is worse! Never having her show interest, or having her show interest and then backing out.

Either way, we are both living a pretty sad existence.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is what you should do.
Tell your wife you have a vacation all planned out. Tell her the date etc. Let her pack and get all excited. Then on that day, get in your car and drive to work.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> Don't know what is worse! Never having her show interest, or having her show interest and then backing out.


Definitely the second one. You are being tormented and teased. 

I once had a girl I was dating agree to come back to my place, we were hot and heavy, off comes the bra, _then_ she decides to reveal that she’s on her period and we can’t have sex.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IT's called pricktease. You should call her out on that. Tell her that you need her to stop being one.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

I would have not talked to her about it or given her a chance to think about it. I would have just gotten her in bed and had my way with her. Why would you ask her?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

:scratchhead:

I meant, LITERALLY, as she walked in the door, grab her, and do her! Don't let her get any words out of he mouth. If she starts saying "my stomach feels...." just shove your hand over it as you peal off her panties.

If she wants to be a ****tease, then that is the result, a thorough pounding.

But seriously, man, why do you stay with her. what good is a wife that you can not have sex with? She is broken, trade her in on a new model


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## Jarhead1341 (Jun 28, 2014)

Sounds familiar to things my does to me so I feel and understand your agony. I am still hopeful that things will get better between us, but have started to seriously consider the option of leaving. She is planning to start seeing a therapist, so it seems she is starting to recognize she could have issues with depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

PBear said:


> You could have just watched some porn and spanked the monkey after getting into bed. If she asked, tell her that you understand that she's not up to sex tonight, but her texts made you look forward to an orgasm, and you were going to have one. With or without her.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, that did not go to well the last time I said something similar.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

PBear said:


> How old is the son?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


9


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> As someone with IBS I know full well how amazing the day can start...looking forward to sex in the evening bc your stomach feels decent enough and totally texting in excitement to DH "it's ON tonight!!" only to later eat lunch and have the whole rest of the day ruined w/tummy problems.
> 
> I've learned to not text about sex until after I eat lunch so I can gauge how I'll be feeling later.
> 
> Even still,just bc one person's tummy is jacked doesn't mean they can't please their partner in other ways. Maybe she could try to still connect physically with you somehow even if PIV is off the table?


One time she said, Do you want me to do it even if I am not in the mood, I said "YES, let me get you in the mood" She said she would begin to hate sex like many of her friends if she just does it to please me. Thanks for the suggestion though.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

6301 said:


> Look. Sit her down and tell her in so many words, "put up or shut up" because I'm tired of your half ass games and your not putting up with games any longer.
> 
> Second thing I would do is let her walk a mile in your shoes and when she's really in the mood, tell her you have a stomach ache and go to bed. Maybe, she'll get the message.


I'm getting to the "put up or shut up" soon.

as for the walking a mile. I made her walk for a month and a half recently. Ignoring her small advances, I finally gave in when she got on top of me and tied my hands together.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need to set a boundary - she promises sex, then begs out, you take care of business, but make sure she can't sleep while you do. That works for me.

If she has the attitude in your last post, ask her if it okay not to talk to you for a week, because you have a headache. It is pure his needs/her needs and she is getting hers met, you arent


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Man, I read thru your threads. I can only shake my head. Your wife is nothing but an attention seeking drama _______. I question whether she even feels love for you in the normal sense. She also comes across as emotionally stunted, but then again I haven't heard her side.
> 
> Why do you still allow her to have these guy friends on the side that are basically EA's? I know you said that you cheated on her, but when does this stop?
> 
> You both need psychological help. Seriously.


I contacted the last EA early this week, told him we need to talk in person. I don't think he is an issue anymore, my wife doesn't have the time, but I still want to make things clear to him.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> I meant, LITERALLY, as she walked in the door, grab her, and do her! Don't let her get any words out of he mouth. If she starts saying "my stomach feels...." just shove your hand over it as you peal off her panties.
> 
> ...


The was sexually abused as a child. Force does not go well.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Perhaps you need to be very plain and tell her it's like you texting her that there will be a big surprise in the driveway/your pocket/in a little box, etc. (whatever reflects her love language) when she gets home. She'd be excited all day wondering what was up and then gets home and the item is a pebble. How anti-climactic.
> 
> Aside from illness that suddenly sets in, noone should make promises they can't keep. Leading you on sexually is exactly the same. I realize in the moment she was in the mood or feeling flirtatious and maybe after a difficult afternoon not so much. But if you promised in the morning to do something for her (mow the grass, run an errand, fix dinner - whatever) and then bailed all of the time, she would likely get resentful just as you are with her empty promises. I'd tell her these examples to demonstrate how it makes you feel and the lack of sex is diminishing your feelings of love and driving a wedge due to lack of intimacy. Assert that you don't want pity sex or obligatory sex but that you expect her to find a way to kindle the fire. Offer to go to marriage counseling or read a book together like one of the MANY that are often recommended here.


True.

I went through the same thing with my ex-wife. Broken promises, not just with regards to sex, but that was a huge issue. It does create resentment.

I will add that my ex would get hornier in the mid-day (11:AM'ish), and by evening she would be tired. Since I work in the day, this was her reasoning as to why she would make promises but never live up to them. Even after we discussed it countless time, in and out of counselling, and she would claim to understand how that would frustrate me, she would simply promise to change, but never actually follow through. 

Eventually (after a decade) I just lost interest in trying, and settled for the 3 time a month romp. Not fulfilling at all.

Hope you can work through it.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

She was abused, has guy friends "on the side that are basically EA's" (as one poster put it), and your own sex life is very tenuous? What kind of counseling is going on, 'cuz there ought to be some! I don't know if it's fixable, but it sounds like status quo is surely a bad idea, and it sounds like maybe a bit too complex for just a litlte sit down between you two. That being said, seems completely reasonable to at least start with, "you know...texts like that get me all ramped up...I was really looking forward to the payoff."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're pretty frightened of your wife aren't you? Would you say you're a timid guy in general? Or just when it comes to your wife?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SongsAboutJane said:


> One time she said, Do you want me to do it even if I am not in the mood, I said "YES, let me get you in the mood" She said she would begin to hate sex like many of her friends if she just does it to please me. Thanks for the suggestion though.


So she doesn't get even an ounce of pleasure from pleasing you...how selfish.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

tulsy said:


> True.
> 
> I went through the same thing with my ex-wife. Broken promises, not just with regards to sex, but that was a huge issue. It does create resentment.
> 
> ...


Consistently 3 times a month would be nice. At least I would know for sure every week she is not during the time of the month she would be interested. I'm dealing with the same, at night she is tired, morning it's a rush to go to work. Mid-day she is playful, but too much going on from work to weekend activities. I'm consistently at 1 to 2 times a month(right before or right after period), mid cycle she gets premenstrual pains for about a week which takes her interest out all together. If I map it out on a calendar, there are about one or two (3) day ranges a month where she can be in the mood.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You're pretty frightened of your wife aren't you? Would you say you're a timid guy in general? Or just when it comes to your wife?


I'm not big on confrontation as you can tell, but that is changing. She has recently stated that I am being mean to her. I've told her, I'm taking her point of view into perspective and i'm making decisions. Timid guy is leaving soon.


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> So she doesn't get even an ounce of pleasure from pleasing you...how selfish.



There lies the problem exactly.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"A woman with a more feminine sexual essence will say she loves you one moment, and then, when you have done something you are not even aware of, she will say she hates you."

So will one with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Maybe "feminine sexual essence" is a euphemism for "crazier than an out house rat."


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> "A woman with a more feminine sexual essence will say she loves you one moment, and then, when you have done something you are not even aware of, she will say she hates you."
> 
> So will one with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Maybe "feminine sexual essence" is a euphemism for "crazier than an out house rat."


That doesn't sound like feminine sexual essence to me.That sounds like a borderline who hasn't been to therapy yet.


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