# great in everyway but the one that counts



## Ireland (Dec 9, 2011)

Don't know where to start.

My husband and I have been together 16 years and have been married for nearly 9 years. We have 2 great girls aged 5 & 2.

I have to say his a FANTASTIC dad. He comes home from work and I'm off the clock so to speak. He comes in at 5pm and I dont have to do a thing with the children. He will play with them, do our eldest's homework and get them ready for bed. He will sing them lullabies and if they wake at night he will get up and send them right back to sleep. On weekends I would never have to change a nappy!!

Great I hear all say, great I have been saying myself for so long, however Great Dad, awful husband.

Before we ever had children I always have had to crave his attention.

It rae that we go out with mates etc or even on a date night (even before the kids). I love to cook so would make a restaurant style 3 course dinner at least 3 times a month so we could have "quality time" however I can always see his hearts not in it as all he wants to do is play his computer games. We have the odd DVD nights always suggested by me and he goes along with it 50% of teh time but again his hearts not in it. He doesn't go out to bars however the odd time he plays poker with his buddies however his big thing is playing computer games.

He works in computers and for a very long period of time he was a developer (along with about 90 others on his team) developed big title computers games so I know its his thing but why once the kids are asleep all he wants to do is play these games. Its very rare he would buy me a present and I'm not talking spontaneously I'm talking at Xmas or my birthday. Now he will clean the House with me and all to that but what Im talking about is being there as a partner ... someone who loves you and you feel like they want to be with you. We rarely row but when we do its always the same argument ... I know he loves me but he never shows me. We have had this row for 11 years at least once a year. I met him when I was 18 and this may sounded big headed but everyone right down to my elderly grandmother asked me what I was doing with him. At the time he was weedy and unattractive. At the time I was modelling and in my youth and even now am still quite attractive. His very small for a man (or oven a woman) and I am at least 7 inches taller than him. I am never without offers and he himself would say I turn allot of heads when we go out. I know the sounds like I'm big headed but I'm not. Looks have never and will never come into it with me. My husband was never the most desirable but to me when I first got to know him Brad Pitt didn't have a thing on him !! My husband has and still has the most beautiful personality and that's what counts. As they say looks are only skin deep.

Okay I rambling. The other night I confronted him about not wanting to spend time with me and just be on the xbox and he coldly turned to me and said this is me take it or leave it. Now he has said this before but enough is enough. I said I'll leave it thanks very much and he said fine and I thought well this is it then. For the past week he has gone quite happily about his business, working during the day, sending time the kids in the evening and playing his games at night.. Even as I write this his downstairs playing his flipping games at the cost of our marriage and doesn't give a hapenny piece (sorry that some Irish slang there!!) 

I want someone to love me. To treat me like I'm the centre of their world. Not to buy me gifts all the time or even Xmas but my birthday at leaat. Or to take me on date at least once a year.

Okay so what I'm asking is am I mad to consider leaving my husband or has he already left me. His a great provider and Great Great great in every way but with me.

My apologise I'm not the most articulate person in the world but would so appreciate your thoughts on my dilemma.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

You aren't mad. Every wife wants and deserves to be her husband's first priority. Not the kids, not the job. The spouse comes first.

Perhaps, though he enjoys the kids, he feels resentful that he doesn't get enough "alone time"? Maybe if you took the kids on, say, Saturday mornings and three nights during the week, and let him have that time to himself, he'd be more willing to spend time with you one-on-one? I have no idea, I'm just thinking out loud. I don't know him  But guys who spend a lot of time on the computer are usually trying to decompress in a solitary way.

You say he's never been very affectionate / giving of attention... and now he's given you the ultimatum "this is me." At a certain point we do just have to accept that the person sitting across from us is "what you see is what you get" and if that is unacceptable to you... so be it. But for the sake of your family, exhaust all options - marriage counseling is an idea.


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## Ireland (Dec 9, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.

I would always give him his time out especially weekend days etc. We have always worked a one on, one off routine but would still have a few family days thrown in. I understand that he needs alone time and woudl take the kids and I out of teh hosue to give him that time. For example last saturday we left at 9.30 am and did not return till 5.30. What did he do all day ... played games!!

Chelle you hit the nail on the head there as he is not emotionally dependent on me or anyone. He nevers has been dependent on anyone and will never be. Whilst he adores and loves his children, If I up and left to another country in the morning his the type that would dust it off and move on. Where as I am a house wife who gave a very good career to raise our children and am now dependent on him for everything. I dont worry about finance etc if we seperate as I know he'd live in a box before he'd sell the family home. 

I would love to do marraige counselling and have suggested it many times but its not him. Yes his a very nice man and everyone who meets or knows him would say the same, even my family are in awe of how decent he is and how much of a good father he is. Honestly, my family will never forgive me for this but such a lareg part of my life is empty. 

Things came to a head this morning and I said if things dont change then its time for him to go .... so that was it ... he went. Just like that!! No worries ... off out the door he went. 

Still shocked that that there was not an ounce of fight for our relationship. Dont knwo why really he has never fought for us before so why now. I think I got my answer, loud and clear!!
Cant believe someone actaully has put an xbox before his family :scratchhead:.


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