# How do.you inow.when your spouce is truly sincere?



## Victim of Love (Nov 24, 2012)

My wife is flipping out over this. Post......


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## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

I hate to say it, but that pattern does not bode well.


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## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

ummmmmmmm , even if she is being genuinely remorseful , why are you continuously taking this? i understand and empathise with the need to stay with her - i am going through that myself as well , but i only have the ability and in me to give it 1 chance , if there is a second affair i am out the door - she may feel bad about it , but i more importantly i would not want to live like that.


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## Victim of Love (Nov 24, 2012)

Wife is flipped........


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Victim of Love said:


> Long story short I have been married 17 years with 3 kids. The first unfaithfulness happened 9 years ago with a exbest friend. I got over that pretty quickly. Then there were EA with a few different guys thanks to FB. Got over that, then there was another EA that I stopped after it was going for a 1 1/2 years. And I just found out a few weeks ago that it was a PA and didn't stop until a few weeks ago when I found out.
> 
> Anyway my question is she has been extremely remorseful, and now going to*a counselor along with us both going to a marriage counselor.
> 
> How can I be sure she is being honest this time? She tells me this time is different, but I'm so gunshy now. Am I being a doormat?



Well, if you arent able to discern her lack of remorse all these years and her being a serial cheater, how can you know now that she's sincere?

As an aside, you should really get all 3 kids of yours paternity tested. The tests are relatively inexpensive.

And, stop putting her affairs away so easily all the time. You're just encouraging the poor behavior on her part.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's a serial cheater, they rarely change. Just realized she just never changed. As a matter of fact she's scalating, getting better at it. She's also a patological liar. Likely she won't change. Ever. 

Sincere? 
Ask her to put her signature where she puts her mouth: Post nuptial. You will see very quickly how deep is her remorse nad how sincer she is.

Sorry man, I see no hope. I worry about you, why you never put you foot down, why you are in the same path again. Keep reading, keep posting. Hopely you will get better advice.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The fact is, you will NEVER truly "know" if your wife is being sincere. You'll only know if she screws up again that she wasn't being sincere.
Only you know your wife well enough to decide whether it is worth it. And the worst part of this is you are probably questioning whether you DO know your wife anymore. It's a tough position.

That is the damage of affairs - trust. So you have to ask yourself what your wife needs to do to rebuild your trust to a point where you no longer need to question her sincerity. Then you have to decide that you are going to give her that chance. Once you decide this, you really have to put yourself into a vulnerable position of trying to trust a person who has already violated your trust many times. But I guess it goes with the territory.

I envy you that your wife is at least showing some remorse - that is a positive sign. My wife never did show remorse and never has - closest thing was blaming me and our marriage for "forcing" her to lie and cheat. We tried to reconcile, but because her attitude, I was never able to make the leap of trying to trust her - this made any true reconciliation impossible. I didn't trust her and she knew I didn't trust her - so she simply withdrew.

Good luck.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Victim of Love said:


> Long story short I have been married 17 years with 3 kids. The first unfaithfulness happened 9 years ago with a exbest friend. I got over that pretty quickly. Then there were EA with a few different guys thanks to FB. Got over that, then there was another EA that I stopped after it was going for a 1 1/2 years. And I just found out a few weeks ago that it was a PA and didn't stop until a few weeks ago when I found out.
> 
> Anyway my question is she has been extremely remorseful, and now going to*a counselor along with us both going to a marriage counselor.
> 
> How can I be sure she is being honest this time? She tells me this time is different, but I'm so gunshy now. Am I being a doormat?


If she was ever remorseful, she wouldn't let it happen after the first time. She seems exactly like my STBXW. These people have serial EA seeking problem. Whenevr they feel like they are not getting enough out of an existing relationship, they jump into a new one. No matter whether it is a 2 month long relationship or a 20 year one. They just cannot stop doing it.

For me, enough is enough. I don't have a kid yet, so I will run away while I can.


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## Victim of Love (Nov 24, 2012)

Wife is.flipped.out


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## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

I understand what you are saying , and if this was the first time sure , i would be there next to you saying give it a shot ..... but this is a bit too much!!




Victim of Love said:


> Yeah I know.... I'm trying to give it one LAST shot. But all these flipping movies and texts are stuck in my head.
> 
> Looks like this is going to take a REAL long time this time if at all.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Serial cheaters, like politicians, are never sincere when their lips are moving.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Sestina said:


> I hate to say it, but that pattern does not bode well.


Ironic how that's working both ways


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How is this time different? You had to find out and stop it every time. She did not confess. She got caught. You don't have anything from her beyond what you found out. You take her back easily. What incentive is there for her to change ? What consequences did she face ?(Not meeting a counselor)

Forgiveness given easily is not valued. Your marriage ishas more than enough proof for that. I don't see why it should be any different this time..

You are probably wasting your time over your wife.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who is the last OM? have you exposed him ? he will come back fishing..


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Cheating is a crime of selfishness by the wayward against a betrayed. It’s always all about the cheater. They become so self-absorbed in the affair, with their affair partner and with themselves that everything around them is meaningless: spouse, children, extended family and career. It’s all about the high of the affair. When a cheater is caught, they are sorry … sorry they got caught. When the affair ends, they are sorry … sorry the affair ended. *I strongly believe that a cheater can never be truly remorseful* and I believe that reconciliations are never really true reconciliations; they have been forced on the cheaters by circumstances … mostly due to being caught. Reconciliations never really seem to come from the heart; they have been forced on the cheater. And never forget, cheaters are manipulators, it’s just some are better than others. This is why *I generally frown upon reconciliations*; the betrayed is only being made a bigger fool. I think that if a wayward is truly remorseful they should allow their spouse to divorce ... free them... and then try to win them back on a level playing field and maybe in competition with others.

In your case, your wife is a serial cheater. As far as I can see, there is no way she can ever truly be remorseful after all these times you caught her. I don’t see how your marriage can work.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wow, truthfully there is no way I would trust that person again after that much. At some point you've got to say I'm better and deserve more than this person who treats me like a piece of trash.

So more than 1/2 of your marriage has been of her cheating on you, that you know of. I'm willing to put money down, it's probably been your entire marriage that she's been cheating on you. You were probably so blinded by love that the 1st 1/2 of your marriage you shrugged off alot of red flags.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Man, don't let your wife bully you like that. You came here for advice and if she doesn't like it you can show her the door. 

And you can never know if this time it will be different. What you can do, is to make an extrapolation form her previous behaviours. In your case, your future chances just don’t look good. She already showed no problem cheating more than once.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Oh poor little wifey doesn't like to be made to look bad, does she? MAYBE SHE SHOULD KEEP HER PANTIES ON THEN!

Seriously, you need to say what you have to say, ask the questions you have to ask, and read the harsh comments you are going to get. You cannot seem to deal with your situation in a manner that works out for you. You need help. A reality check. You won't get it from the woman you married. You will get it from us, straight up, no chaser.

1st order of business, kick her out. Get some space to clear your own head, focus on you and the kids, and figure out how you feel.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Well friend, you posted the question 08:21 PM
08:44 PM, just hearing the words Post Nuptial... and she flipped out.

I told you'd find out very quickly how sincere she was but I never thought it would be so quicky.

As she's reading here I have no doubt she's telling you we are a bunch of jaded people, horrible partners who fairly got cheated and dumped by their spouses so the advice here is bull...
or perhaps that she's not actually a serial cheater, she's special, her little first scapades doesn't reflect who she is they were silly mistakes forced upon her by your neglect. The most recent long term EA-PA including Long term false R wel.... that was not scalating. you are to blame, you know. That you know her better than anybody, that she's not that bad...
ask her to make her own research. Tell her to google serial cheating, tell her to go to MB, SI, DB ,LS; whatever website dealing with infidelity with a certain seriousness. Tell her to meet with a specialized IC or MC to give her the chances of not repeating.
If she'd horrified by the mere mention of a document in which she give compromise her word of not cheating again giving you the finaicial adventage if she fails the contract...

BTW, what we caught is only the tip of the icerberg, specially with serial cheaters. I'm sure her face would turn blue if you mention the word polygraph.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

That's was quick!

You appear to be afraid of her. That fear has allowed her to carry on cheating for so long.

I hope what happened here showed you how sincere she was/is.


If you remain in fear, you lose your soul.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

life101 said:


> If she was ever remorseful, she wouldn't let it happen after the first time. She seems exactly like my STBXW. These people have serial EA seeking problem. Whenevr they feel like they are not getting enough out of an existing relationship, they jump into a new one. No matter whether it is a 2 month long relationship or a 20 year one. *They just cannot stop doing it.*


Ok, first, I want to say that for the most part, MOST serial cheaters "can't" stop. However, SOME of us are truly remorseful and actually DO take steps to ensure they won't do it again. I will admit that the first time, I wasn't remorseful at all. I just "went with it" to shut him up... THAT TIME. The second time, totally different. But, it has been nearly a year since my 2nd EA ended and I have been faced with circumstances similar to those which contributed to my choosing to go down that road. This time, instead of turning to other men, I have been spending time with my husband. So, you can't say that we don't change. We do... but only if we are truly WANTING to.



aug said:


> Serial cheaters, like politicians, are never sincere when their lips are moving.


During my EAs, I would agree with this statement. Now? No.

However, what I was able to read from quotes and the fact that OP is so f'n scared of his wife... no, I don't see that there is any change in her at all, thus far. And, unless she is willing to give everything up and play by OP's rules now, it'll never happen.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Didn't get to see the initial post. But since your wife isn't giving you the truth let me give you a bit of it. You act like you are scared of your wife "flipping"... Did i get it right that she cheated on you? And she gets to dictate what you do like that? Seriously? 

Well, how do you evaluate the attraction effect you are having right now on your woman when you wuss out like that? She cheated and still has the reigns?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She will be truly remorseful till you get over it and forgive her. Then she will go and bang someone else then also she will be remorseful.

I dont know when you are going to say 'enough is enough get out of my home.'

Read this forum carefully and see what the Truly remorseful WWs doing to save the marriages and see if your wife is doing any of this, if not kick her a$$ out of your home and stop being her doormat husband.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Absent being Professor Xavier, the only way to tell is when the WS is reflexively looking out for ALL your interests. When the WS reflexively and automatically lets you know about dangerous situations regarding fidelity and even situations which might cause you to trigger.

They ACT and RESPOND this way without that little look of 'Am I getting credit for this?" When it's part of their nature and not part of 'getting him over it.'

That is my entirely unschooled opinion.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

uh oh, 

guess his wife made him remove the post. She's cheating and still laying down the law


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Now we know why she is cheating on him repeatedly..OP, Ask her to make a post if you are so biased.

Also, grow some balls


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