# cheating



## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

what makes people with good home life and good families cheat


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

frank29 said:


> what makes people with good home life and good families cheat


1. Sexual feelings for another
2. Emotional feelings for another
3. Belief that they won't get caught
4. They don't see their home life as "good"
5. They have "attention" issues
6. Boredom
7. Selfishness

Those are the main ones.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Stupidity


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mental illness. I include in this alcoholism.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Entitlement feelings.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Because they can...


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

They just have a very selfish streak in them. They also tend to be passive-aggresive. Those are just the ones that do it a few times. Then you have the cowardly users out there. Those people just plain piss me off. They are the serial cheaters!!


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

...all of the above and then a truck load of FOO issues.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

frank29 said:


> what makes people with good home life and good families cheat


What makes them cheat? Them. They make themselves cheat.

Why? Because they want to.

Nothing more. Nothing less.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

frank29 said:


> what makes people with good home life and good families cheat


Very simple Frank. One word.

*Selfishness!!!*


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Thrill?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

frank29 said:


> what makes people with good home life and good families cheat


The fundamental drive for humans is to have lots of sex (i.e. reproduce). Even the Bible's first commandment in Genesis is "Be fruitful and multiply." 

Everybody is on a bell curve as to where the point in time is that the desire for sexual pleasure and its resultant bath of feel-good brain chemistry overwhelms the desire to remain loyal to the family. Some people choose to try to keep it under control, others choose to indulge. A fairly large percentage of the population has no impulse control whatsoever. 

Everybody is susceptible under the right circumstances.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

From reading a recent thread on TAM- possibly also arrogance.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

A misguided feeling that they lack intimacy with their spouse. 
Fear of aging.
Low self esteem stemming from childhood.
A feeling that true love is passing them by.
Sadly it's very, very common


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

frank29 said:


> what makes people with good home life and good families cheat


SELFISHNESS.

Also, when they meet the affair partner and decide they want some cake, they suddenly start to manufacture fake reasons for being unhappy with the faithful spouse.

I don't think all people are susceptible to cheating. 

Only those who are selfish thrill seekers and who have a sense or entitlement or lack self control or all of the above. 

I had many opportunities to cheat with men who are just as attractive but far wealthier than my cheater spouse. 

I always had the ability to see that it would simply be too damaging to my marriage to indulge and I at that time, loved my spouse.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

In the ten months since d-day, I've learned more about infidelity from being on this forum and reading books that I ever cared to know. Like many of you, I now consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject compared to the average person. However, I still for the life of me don't know why my ex chose to betray me and abandon her kids. I have theories and conjectures but I still don't know.


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## Helios (Jul 7, 2011)

frank29 said:


> what makes people with good home life and good families cheat


I suppose it all depends on what your definition of good is because we all preceive things differently which could explain a little bit as to why DS cheat. The LS may thing everything is good and the WS may think it's absolutely horrible.

I would say that the majority of these situations start as an EA because the WS decides to complain to someone about something in particular that they don't like thats going on in their marriage when they should be talking with their S about it.

Of course the WS won't complain about everything their S does for them whether it be paying all the bills on time or making sure they have a roof over their head and food in the stomachs or taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, preparing meals.

No they never complain or even mention all the good in their M and their S. Can you imagine, "I just hate that he wakes up every morning to get up and go to work, it's so terrible" or "do you know what she does every night, she makes me food and does the laundry, it's annoying". I guess it's a lot easier to focus on the bad then it is to appreciate all the good.

From my perspective I would say they do it because they are looking for greenier grass, problem with that theory is they usually tend to down-grade and not just by a little, they go from like a modern day 4 door car that's pretty nice to like a 2 door geo metro.

I suppose the fog turns them into complete morons and they lose all surival skills and think from an emotionally selfish view and toss all logic out the window.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Both Sara and I have had discussion about this in other threads and one thing that is prevalent in modern society is the 'need' for people, particularly woman to have some kind of 'parity' about having 'extra' if they so want and choose, now, today.

Historically men have always been given permission to take 'a lover', 'a mistress' and society has never really seen a wrong doing as long as it's kept at arms length from the central family hub

Woman however historically have been 'slvts' and God knows what else should they stray beyond the lines of fidelity. Obviously a completely one sided affair.

In the modern world woman quite rightly now play on a more level playing field and I sense an 'entitlement' in the modern woman that previously was never there.

It's fine lines and not of course exclusive to woman as I feel that 'vibe' of having what I want now is again a very current trend for all genders. I feel there is a general air of selfishness and entitlement in modern life now, in all walks.

I think that is an underlying trend outside of all the other good reasons already said


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> In the ten months since d-day, I've learned more about infidelity from being on this forum and reading books that I ever cared to know. Like many of you, I now consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject compared to the average person. However, I still for the life of me don't know why my ex chose to betray me and abandon her kids. I have theories and conjectures but I still don't know.


Dig deeper. You know. 

It's selfishness, pure and simple. 

I always suspected my stbeh was a selfish sort, I always brushed it aside. 

His affair just proved my suspiscions right.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Helios said:


> I suppose it all depends on what your definition of good is because we all preceive things differently which could explain a little bit as to why DS cheat. The LS may thing everything is good and the WS may think it's absolutely horrible.
> 
> I would say that the majority of these situations start as an EA because the WS decides to complain to someone about something in particular that they don't like thats going on in their marriage when they should be talking with their S about it.
> 
> ...


Good Points. 

I saw the emails and texts between OW and my STBEH and both of their complaints about their respective spouses were adolescent in nature. 

Mine complained I was too intellectual and that I would rather watch the the news than go clubbing, and that I was too cautious with our money. He neglected to mention we were in debt because all our properties were underwater in a crummy market but we still had expenses associated with them and selling them now would be a disaster. 

The OW, a serial cheater who liked to get lap dances from other women, complained her husband worked too much. 

She neglected to mention they had four kids in swanky private schools, and that she weekly had expensive spa treatment and minor plastic surgeries such as restylane filler and frequently went on girls night's out and girls only vacations that he paid for because she never ever held a job.

So you're right they rarely play up the good of the faithful spouse. 

Also, you are right too about downgrading to the OP in the affair, not only because the OP has lower morals and is far more deceptive than the faithful spouse, but in my case, the OW was not really all that attractive. She was pretty, but not a show stopper by any degree. She had a girl next door look and was less than average by all accounts, not just my own.

As chumplady says. They are selfish and want cake. Cake taste better than spinach even if it may eventually cause diabetes. Heck it takes intelligence to realize that too much cake is toxic.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I also think it's total selfishness.

I always taught my kids the golden rule - when they were thinking about doing something that they were unsure of, ask themselves how they would feel if it was done to them.

Cheaters apparently never do this. Complete self-absorption.

And look at how many of them completely freak out at the thought of their BS being with someone else. They never, ever think about how the BS would feel & how they would feel if the tables were turned.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Dig deeper. You know.
> 
> It's selfishness, pure and simple.
> 
> ...


Sara, you're probably right about my ex being selfish. Looking back, she was mostly a taker and I was the giver. I scratched her head every Sunday night for 15 years. Did she ever reciprocate? No. I offered her massages, yet she grudgingly gave me two-minute ones when I asked. It seems so simplistic but I think she was (IS) a very selfish woman.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Sara, you're probably right about my ex being selfish. Looking back, she was mostly a taker and I was the giver. I scratched her head every Sunday night for 15 years. Did she ever reciprocate? No. I offered her massages, yet she grudgingly gave me two-minute ones when I asked. It seems so simplistic but I think she was (IS) a very selfish woman.


Yes, she does sound selfish. 

My mother used to play with my hair and scratch my head as a kid. It feels comforting, but she was my mother and mothers are supposed to be selfless with their children. 

A 2 minute reciprocal massage from a spouse is inconsiderate. 

It didn't have to be a tit for tat situation, but once in awhile she should have given you a real hour long massage.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I also think it's total selfishness.
> 
> I always taught my kids the golden rule - when they were thinking about doing something that they were unsure of, ask themselves how they would feel if it was done to them.
> 
> ...



"So how would you feel if you were me in this?"

"Terrible I know it's just terrible I'd feel hurt, betrayed, numbed" - "I hate myself for that" 

"Really - but as your lips drew closer for that first kiss you managed to not feel so bad ?"

"I know I know I could'nt stop myself"

"And having done that once you then again carried on with another one a year later knowing exactly what you would be inflicting upon me", (and our kids, and his family) Yeah"?


.......... " but you made me do it " !! 

:scratchhead: Uuuuurgh!!


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