# Trying very hard to support depressed wife. Failing miserably.



## better2 (Jan 6, 2012)

My wife and I have been married now over 5 years, together 7. She is a fantastic, amazing woman. Both of us are divorced, and have children from first marriage. Words cannot describe how much I love this woman. We have been through some hard times. Alcohol abuse, miscarriage just to name a few. These were very difficult but we worked together to get through them. What's been going on for over a year now is something I do not understand. I've watched first hand this incredible woman take a turn for the worse. A little over a year ago I could see something was wrong, and she wasn't communicating anything. This wasn't normal. She started sleeping all the time, and after work and dinner she was done. Lay staring at the TV , emotionless. So, I love her and and care, I asked her to share how she was feeling and some changes I've noticed in her. To my surprise , she was very angry and completely shut down. I thought she needed time and she would come to me when she was ready. But she never did. It was like living with a typical room mate , but worse. No communication , nothing. She had just started a new career, we bought our dream home which was big in our lives. I thought that was overwhelming her. So I asked her how I could help, and it the shut out got worse. So stupid me kept trying day after day and asked her to open up so I could understand and try to help. It was all my fault. Huh? This same pattern of ask-blame-defend-withdrawal continued and effected everything in our lives. I started to feel like it was all my fault, whatever that was. Over 3 months she started having panic attacks, angry outbursts. I was clueless, and it started effecting my self esteem and my confidence. I was pathetic. She was loosing hair, always in physical pain. What is going on ? I made a lot of mistakes in my approach. I really wanted to understand. Things would be "ok" for a few days, and then I would talk about feelings and resolving issues it got worse! For several months I felt isolated, alone. I had never seen this before, and this was mind boggling. To see someone you love hurting so bad, and them see you hurting. She says she loves me and hates in the same sentence. Always defensive , always has an excuse for her actions. I just felt each day I was losing her even more. A few weeks ago she told me she is depressed. She thinks about hurting herself to releive the pain. Like pinching or punching her leg. I just want to know what pain? I was convinced she was cheating , but really have no proof and I truly beleive she hasnt. She went to a doctor, which I knew that. Her reason stated was to learn how to deal with me. I was like what? I know I'm not perfect, and this isn't all her fault but there is no communication (unless it's about anything but her ) so what was she talking about? Well I started reading and also went to a doctor to work on me. I'm having a hard time and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I wasn't there the way she needed me. I didn't understand depression and I should have been more assertive. She stares into oblivian every day, and it's very hard for her to get up out of bed. I feel like I don't know this person. Sorry for the long description. I love her dearly and really want to understand this. Feedback would be great.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your wife on antidrepressents?
If not get her to a doctor.

If she is, how long? If it’s more than 2-4 weeks, get her back to the doctor.

Family docs can help with meds in the more simple cases. In more complex cases she might need to see a physiatrist.

If she continues to talk about hurting herself call the doctor that day.

When a person is depressed everything in the world seems horrible. It’s easy for them to blame everyone/thing around them for their pain. It’s hard to do anything, hard to get up, live if just too hard. The right meds take that away and make it possible for the person to work on getting through the depression.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

My husband has been depressed for 5-6 years. The roller coaster you describe is what I have been through, so I know your pain. The best advice I can offer you is support her the best you can, but don't forget to take care of yourself. I think I ignored that 2nd part and it has left us with more problems than we would have otherwise had. It isn't your job to "fix" her and likely (at least based on my husband's perspective from when I made that mistake early on) anything that feels like pressure can make things worse. Attend doctor's appointments with her so you know what's going on, do some research about depression, know when it's time to get outside help (such as suicide talk) but don't forget to take care of yourself too.


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## better2 (Jan 6, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Is your wife on antidrepressents?
> If not get her to a doctor.
> 
> If she is, how long? If it’s more than 2-4 weeks, get her back to the doctor.
> ...




Thanks so much for the feedback. She has been taking Prozac for about a month. I dont think it's working. Can the wrong medicine make you worse? This is terrible.
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## better2 (Jan 6, 2012)

Michelle27 said:


> My husband has been depressed for 5-6 years. The roller coaster you describe is what I have been through, so I know your pain. The best advice I can offer you is support her the best you can, but don't forget to take care of yourself. I think I ignored that 2nd part and it has left us with more problems than we would have otherwise had. It isn't your job to "fix" her and likely (at least based on my husband's perspective from when I made that mistake early on) anything that feels like pressure can make things worse. Attend doctor's appointments with her so you know what's going on, do some research about depression, know when it's time to get outside help (such as suicide talk) but don't forget to take care of yourself too.


Thanks! That's great feedback. The challenge I'm having with this is that I don't want to appear selfish and give her the impression that I'm diagnosing her. Oh my, when she feels I'm doing that her reaction is awful. Says horrible things to me , then I get upset and say something I shouldn't , then total shut down. It's so bad. I just want to help her
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## merri (Jan 3, 2012)

Maybe the prozac isn't the right antidepressant? I think if you tell her you care, rather than trying to fix her, hug her--if she'll let you, just try to express the caring till she works it out. I think it's a good idea to talk to someone for you just to help you cope with her behavior. I agree, if she mentions suicide, call someone.


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## unknownuser (May 11, 2011)

Has your wife been tested for thyroid function?
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## better2 (Jan 6, 2012)

unknownuser said:


> Has your wife been tested for thyroid function?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



As a matter of fact she has been tested. It was about a year and a half ago. Interesting. I don't believe there were any problems. Question though, is that related to depression or does that cause similar problems?
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## emmaluh (Jan 9, 2012)

Hey, I was searching online and this came up. I actually am the depressed one in the relationship, I lash out, I can be unresponsive and emotionless, even on a working medication I go through dark periods. I break up with him, sometimes several times a week. The sickest thing is that I can't help it. In all honesty, sometimes there isn't anything he can do except let me yell and scream and say the worst things you can possibly imagine, and I hate it, but it's like I don't have control. 

I have a problem with cutting as well, it progressed from pinching and scratching. That's a little harder to explain, but it's a coping method, either it's the only thing that makes you feel anything, or you try to take some of the anger out on yourself. Don't take that away from her, whatever you do. It's hard, but she needs it, and she'll stop when she doesn't need it any longer or finds a better way to cope. (Try a boxing class, or any type of fitness class that is intensive. It lets her feel pain, and exercise is extremely important.) Cutting or pinching is an endorphin release. 

Medication is only part of the solution, it improves the general mood, but it's not the final solution. I'm on Lexapro, it comes highly recommended, it's a bit more expensive though. 

When I lash out, it's usually because I'm guilty, I feel like I'm trapping him, like he could be so much happier with someone who wasn't sick. So I yell, and say things that aren't true because sometimes I think it would be better if he left. I only ever want him to be happy. 

Depression is rough, I've had it since I was 11. I'm 18 now, and I went through the darkest part of my life because of birth control actually. That has a lot of control over moods, within a month I was basically unresponsive. 

In the middle of this mess, I went to college and started living with a girl, a UFC fighter actually, and she's helped me a lot, she forces me to exercise and eat well, which are two of the most important things. I wasn't really that happy until she forced me into that. On top of that, she's always cheerful, and even if something bothers her, she doesn't let it show, and as much as my boyfriend has helped, she's been a driving force in my life. 

The thing about depression is that your mind becomes your own worst enemy. It tells you things that aren't true and makes you believe it. It doesn't stop until it destroys you. It picks at every insecurity, every tiny thing that's ever gone wrong in your life or in the lives of those around you, it becomes your fault. How you make the people you love feel because of this is a big thing for your mind to play on. What makes it so hard is that it's your mind playing against you, the one thing that you thought you could trust turned its back on you. It's been the hardest thing for me, learning that I am not the person that my mind is telling me that I am. 

For many people, this goes away. If this is the first time your wife has gone through this, then it may be the only time. I have chronic depression, it never truly goes away. She needs to see a therapist on a regular schedule, but she has to connect with them. And a physiatrist is good too, I know mine has helped me a lot. 

I think the best thing you can do is to be happy. Don't act like her depression is getting to you. Drag her to exercise and eat healthy. Don't listen to any protests, do it because she needs it, not because she wants it. Force her to live her life. It's hard to accept that you can't be happy by yourself, that you need doctors and medications to do it for you, so make her go to the doctor. Have her keep a folder of things on the computer that make her smile, kittens always get me. I call my boyfriend Mouse, from Alice in Wonderland. In the book when she is trying to stay afloat in the ocean of tears, it's a mouse that drags her to shore, even though they squabble. I even have a tattoo of a mouse. Books by Chuck Palahniuk helped me a lot too. 

Just make her live. 

I hope that helped any.


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## better2 (Jan 6, 2012)

emmaluh said:


> Hey, I was searching online and this came up. I actually am the depressed one in the relationship, I lash out, I can be unresponsive and emotionless, even on a working medication I go through dark periods. I break up with him, sometimes several times a week. The sickest thing is that I can't help it. In all honesty, sometimes there isn't anything he can do except let me yell and scream and say the worst things you can possibly imagine, and I hate it, but it's like I don't have control.
> 
> I have a problem with cutting as well, it progressed from pinching and scratching. That's a little harder to explain, but it's a coping method, either it's the only thing that makes you feel anything, or you try to take some of the anger out on yourself. Don't take that away from her, whatever you do. It's hard, but she needs it, and she'll stop when she doesn't need it any longer or finds a better way to cope. (Try a boxing class, or any type of fitness class that is intensive. It lets her feel pain, and exercise is extremely important.) Cutting or pinching is an endorphin release.
> 
> ...



Thank you so much. Your response, as well as others are extremely helpful for me to get my head around this. Big step for her yesterday. She shared with me that she needs my help. The way she did this was by asking me to call her doctor, and explain to him the things she has been doing. She said she doesn't think she is able to describe to him how she really is feeling. She has a defense mechanism , admittingly, that tells her it isnt that bad because she is afraid of being vulnerable and honest with herself. I was blown away, and do feel this is a huge step. I didn't pressure her, just spent the entire evening holding her (at her request) and was just with her. Im calling her doctor today and I'll continue to be a positive force in her life. Thanks again !
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## merri (Jan 3, 2012)

better2 said:


> Thank you so much. Your response, as well as others are extremely helpful for me to get my head around this. Big step for her yesterday. She shared with me that she needs my help. The way she did this was by asking me to call her doctor, and explain to him the things she has been doing. She said she doesn't think she is able to describe to him how she really is feeling. She has a defense mechanism , admittingly, that tells her it isnt that bad because she is afraid of being vulnerable and honest with herself. I was blown away, and do feel this is a huge step. I didn't pressure her, just spent the entire evening holding her (at her request) and was just with her. Im calling her doctor today and I'll continue to be a positive force in her life. Thanks again !
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great news, hope it helps!


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## kevieb (Mar 26, 2012)

i am thinking the sme thing that unknownusr suggested. your wife sounds like she could have not only a thyroid problem but also a low cortisol problem---they very often go hand-in-hand. i am speaking from experience her----I am the one with thyroid and cortisol problems and i know i can be awful to deal with sometines--and after i read the symproms of low cortisol, especially, i suddenly realized what i ahve become like. i also realized that i don't have as much control over some of the mood swings as i thought i should have, my husband can hardly stand to deal with me. i cn hardly stand myself. there is so much fatigue, brain fog,muscle and joint pain--and i know i am not always exactly reasonable---i also hate the fact that i can see what is happening to me and i can'r do much about it. my husband will always be a little rough around the edges, but when i am good--i can deal with it, get over it quickly, or let it roll off my back. 

you say your wife has had her thyroid tested---but i can guarantee you that the tests she had done are not accurate. i don't have the link right now, but ther is a site that explains exactly why the usual tests they run are not accurate--and it is a legitimate site--not some sort of naturopathic site trying to sell you supplements at inflated costs.

you need to try and find a doctor who will look at symptoms instead of blood tests---that is the only way they used to diagnose thyroid---and they were much more successful at treating it. people need to be treated according to their symproms--not according to a blood test. natural thyroid has t4, t3, t2, t1, and calcitonin. usually docs ony treat with levothyroxine--which is a synthetic T4 and your body must convert it in to T3 before it can even use it. they also thik that a TSH test is ccurate--it is not. however, if there is also a cortisol problem, it must be addressed atb the same time or before the thyroid is treated---or your body cannot tolrate the increase in metabolism. the natural thyroid should also be raised gradually. do some research on this and see what you can find. also, try looking up the National hypothyroid assossiation (SP?) your wife sound so similar to me--and i am working on getting help as we speak.


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