# Cross Roads? Now what do I do?



## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

I have been with my husband for almost 11 years in May. We have been married not even a full year, but we have been boyfriend and girlfriend for 10 years. I mean we even got married on out 10 year anniversary! We both knew in our situation that we should take it slow as far as marriage and living together. He and I were high school sweethearts. I meet him as a freshman, and got pregnant 4 months into our relationship; I was 15 when we had our daughter he was 17 going on 18 in a few months after that. We stayed together with major ups and downs (still trying to grow up ourselves while raising a child) but we always got through it.

Both of us were mature enough to admit when one of us was at fault for something and were quick to make up. So resolving issues has never been an problem for us. The subject of sex was never an issue.. I mean ever.. I was always persuing him, trying to get him in the sack every chance I got. We would fight (Not married at this point) because I would want sex but he wouldnt. Through out that whole 10 years of dating it was a few times a week every week for as long as I can remember. When we moved form California to Minnisota we became closer again; just like we were when I was 15, like that crazy, cant stant to be apart kind of love. Then we moved back to California after his mother passed away.

In May of last year we married on our 10 year anniversary, it was finally done he was mine, I took his last name, and we even got our wedding rings tattooed on with eachothers names! (We both swore that would never happen) That is sooo perminent right? 

But now that I'm married, and back home in California I just don't feel having sex anymore. My sex drive went from raging out of controll, take a cold shower to nothing? 

I used to work, but my husband wanted me home more so I stopped working to stay home and be here for my daughter now 10 in July. My sisters live upstairs form us so I watch kids often. I used to want more kids so badly, but now I cant imagine having more than our 1. We have never used any kind of birth control since our 1st child, but nothing happened in that time, so I figured it just wasnt ment to be. So before I viewed sex as "let's try for a baby" but now it's more like "whats the point? I don't want any more kids."

I stay home all week, so my weekends I want out of the house. His days off are the weekends and he wants to stay home. So we usually fight, and I stay at my parents house for the day come home and sleep then leave sunday to my parents house because Im still mad, and by this time the weekend and his day off is over and we still arent having sex. He says I pick the fights just so I get out of having sex with him. 

Our sex life has never had issues, we both enjoy all of it, and we are open to talking about it. Now however; I dont know what to tell him when he askes me why dont I wnat to have sex, and I dont have an answer for him. I'm a 25 year old newly wed, been with my husband since we were teenagers and I cant explain to him "Why", because I myself don't know why. 

So this morning he is upset because last night I denied him (again) and he is yelling at me after our daughter left for school "You did it again! Whats wrong with you? Are you sleeping around on me? If this doesnt stop I'm going to have to go eles ware for sex, do you want that?"

I dont know what to do? I dont know who to talk to? I dont even have a responce for him? I dont know whats wrong with me, and now every time I think about it I start to cry. I'm still so young, whats wrong with me?

LivnW/Love01


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Have you told him flat out how you feel without deflecting or blaming?

I think you need to begin by simply being very clear about what is going on. Tell him "I have lost my sex drive. I'm not sure why and I wish I didn't feel this way" 
Reassure him that you haven't fallen out of love with him.

Then you need to work on it. Are you otherwise physically active and getting exercise? 

Are you taking birth control pills?

While you are trying to figure this out, the worse thing you could do is add issues to this problem by deflecting. He will build up resentment and then you will have a whole list of other problems. Eventually he will give up trying and lose interest in you altogether.

Is it possible that even if you are not in the mood, to still look upon sex as a loving act to please him?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you still attracted to him, physically, emotionally, intellectually?

Is there distance between you that's developed recently?

Are you at all attracted to other men or do you ever think about sex with other men? (Trying to determine if you've lost interest in your H or in all men/sexual thoughts).

Did sex become boring?

Has something in what he does or says or behaves or attitude changed in him since marriage?

Are you depressed? Have you undergone some physical, emotional or mental change recently?

Are you on any medications that could lower your libido?

How do you feel about life, in general? Do you have enthusiasm for life, look forward to each day, are excited about your future?

Would you rather be working? Taking care of a 10 year old who is in school leaves a lot of time for you to be bored and your mind to turn to boredom and disinterest in life (and sex).

Do you get enough exercise and feel physically strong, healthy and alive? Do you have a lack of energy in general?

Have you fallen out of love with your H?
Do you feel taken for granted by your H?

Do you ever spend any time just the two of you together, away for a weekend or something?

I'd suggest giving all of those things some thought and consider if any of those (or something else) might be killing your sexual spirit. Share your thoughts with your H. It's his marriage and his sex life, too - be open and honest with what is going on or it will only get worse.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Do you resent staying home? Do you feel weird living so close to your family? Do you feel
depressed? Sometimes people have a good amount of their identity wrapped up in working. Not having a job can make you feel
worthless and bored. 
I'd suggest counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Does it really hurt to lift your skirt? Really. My wife and I never deny each other. Just because we are not in the mood at the moment we know the other has needs. This is really not hard. Take care of each other for goodness sake!


----------



## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

I have told him flat out about a decrease in my sex drive, and I have also told him that I can't exactly pin point why it has went down so suddenly. I do think he is entitled to his feelings, and if it were me 2 years ago I would be upset, so I do understand where he is coming from. We love eachother very much; so falling out of love with him isnt the issue thank God! As for my physcial apperance thats good, I'm athletic & pretty (so Im told & not to be big headed or anything) and I haven't taken birth control since 1 year after my daughter was born (almost 10 yrs ago). This may sound crapy of me but when Im not in the mood, I don't orgasim, and he usually feels bad cause I don't come and its only good for him not me, so theres a mild hint of guilt. When we both have fun its soo much better; and guilt free for one party. Since it's getting to this point in our sex life I will have to try for his sake.

He came home from lunch to talk to me today from this mornings fight. It went like this: 
Suprised to see him, happy he was home, kiss at the door, then into the bedroom to talk. I apoligize he does as well, now we get to talking. He explains there are 4 things that I'm doing to make him think that I'm sleeping around on him. 1: I'm happy, we dont really fight or argue. 2:I'm not in a mood due to lack of sex; which in the last 10 years I would have been very upset. 3: I cant tell him WHY I dont want to have sex. and 4: There is no sex with him while Im home all day when he's at work. 
All these things he say lead him to believe that I'm having sex with some one eles.

I will admit that I cheated on him while we were dateing. Again had a baby when I was a teenager with him, kind of grew up together, I wasnt sure if he was the one I wanted to marry, we would break up get back together the same day kind of thing. Think Teenagers with a baby and expecting the guy to leave at any minute. Thats just what teens with kids do; Break Up. In that I totally understand why he would think that first. 

Further in our relationship (still dateing) he admits he doesnt believe in marriage (his parents never married untill 6 months before his father passed away), and doesnt want anymore kids (becasue of a heriditary bone disease might be passed down) so in my fury at this point I cheated again in the hopes to get pregnant by someone eles. I mean I was desperate to have another baby. Which is why I think that my sex drive was out of controll for a long time, because I did want other children. But after a few weeks I couldnt keep lying so I broke it of, came clean to him, and have never done it since. 

I take my marriage very serious. When Im lonely I want children, but now Im up to my eyeballs in kids, I always babysit for my sisters kids and there are 5 in total. One sister has 5 kids, another sister has 1 and pregnant now with another one, and another sister has 1, the other 2 no kids. So at any given day I'm watching 2-7 kids all nephews. Being back from Minnesota where it was quiet just my daughter, him and me; it turns into my parents, my sisters their husbands and kids. It just turned me off to having more kids. 

I thought about it like this. I was kid crazy. Literally. I cheated to try to get pregnant cause I was lonely. Now Im not lonely, I dont want anymore kids thanks to the ones I already watch. And looking at sex as "make babys" it turns in "heck no! no more kids for me" so I dont want to have sex. Thats the only thing I can think of. So I did tell my husband this and he said "That is the most rediculous thing I have ever heard" then he says "If you need to go to the Doctors I will go with you?" Now he is looking at it as getting our jollys off but to me its running deeper than that. I told him that maybe if we started usung birth controll I would feel better about having sex. To which he says "You havent used birth control for years, what would change if you start now, you havent got pregnent in all the time you didnt use birth control."

I wonder if Im just physicing myself out?

LivenW/Love01


----------



## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

Lift my skirt?! You and your wife are older! Im sure all your kids are out of the house. I have my kid plus 2-7 others I watch at any given day. Unless you suggest next to have a quickie in the kitchen while the kids are in the living room! Hay, why not, lets have everone watch. Thanks for the advice....


----------



## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

He did mention I should go to the Doctor if there was something eles bothering me. I didnt think that my Sex Drive would need a Doctors attention? It has only started since we were back in California, and a little while after we got married. Would marriage change my desire for him? Is that possible? The past 10 years havent been that bad?


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Liven, I could be your husband. I know very well how frustrating it is to be on the other side. I hope you will take my bluntness as an attempt to give you the other side of the story...

I second what stonewall said, it doesn't hurt to lift your skirt. Your husband is right that every man, even the most faithful ones are likely to stray or leave you at some point if your not meeting their emotional needs. Sex is where most of that emotional support comes from for us. I'm to that crossroads and that's not the intersection I ever wanted to be driven to, but I'm there :-(

I have told my wife in the most supportive way, if its hormones, go see someone. If I don't do what you like, you tell me what you want me to do and ill give just about anything the college try. From my point of view, it seems simple. Sex is fun. It's much easier to turn bad sex into amazing sex than no sex to amazing. At least you have something to work with if your having sex and you are available to him regardless. I see sex as a choice. You choose to do it or not regardless how you feel. I don't feel like getting up for work every day but I do it because I like the benefits of a job. Same thing with exercising. I feel great after I work out, but I have to overcome a huge mental issue to do it regularly. I'm not going to have the body or healthy life I want without putting in the work. 

I guess what I'm saying is if your gonna do it, you mise well make the best of it. If your making the best of it, eventually you should be able to find your way out of the rut. If you put your car in the ditch, it never gets out of the ditch by doing nothing. At least your here asking and actively looking for a solution. Your husband is lucky that you recognize the problem and from what you've said want it fixed in a very desperate way. Your 90 percent there as far as I'm concerned. My wife hasn't done anything but promise to do something and fail to act. 

I think you would be surprised how quickly his anger will go away and the man you need him to be comes back if you can find a way to put on a smile and rock his world because you can. I can't say for sure, but it may go a long way towards fixing how you feel. Good luck and don't stop trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

Ok answer to your questions: I'am very much so attracted to him still, I love him tremendiously. The distence has only been happening recently and only in the bedroom, every where else is fine. I'm not attracted to other men, and when we do make love its great! We enjoy both enjoy it, when it happens. I think that my view has changed more since marriage not his, I mean we married under God so to me cheating (which is his main concern) is none existant for me. The one main thing that has changed is my want for more children. Before it was I wanted more badly, now its I cant imagine having any more. Thats an out of charachter change for me. I think life is pretty okay for me, I'm not taking any meds, so thats good. I do get excersise, and for the most part Im happy, and I love him. I maily feel taken advantage of by my sisters and parents more so then my husband. We dont get away together enough but last week we went to Santa Cruz just the two of us. Only No sex because my cycle came early. Then he was mad all over again.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think you might be spending too much time with kids and too much time with family! Jeez if I had to take care of that many kids all day I wouldn't feel sexual either. Disney and sesame street and breaking up fights, boogers and potty don't make someone feel like getting it on. 
I'm wondering why you're doing this? It seems to me after ten years of being a mom at such a young age maybe it's time to start a career if you haven't already. Yes you are working but you're not getting anything toward your social security. You are young now but every year you don't work means less toward your retirement. 
What do you want for you? It seems like you're just doing and giving for other people. I'm not hearing anything about YOU. 
It's hard to give up so much of your youth to be a mom and now she's to the point where she doesn't need you as much, you know you don't want other kids, so maybe it's just a feeling of emptiness? I'm 40 and I deal with it too sometimes. My d is 7 and I'm not having more. So who are you now? 
Maybe it's time to focus on you. Just a thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Is watching all 7 of those kids turning your brain into mommy-mode, and maybe exhausting you mentally? If I had to watch 7 kids all day long, I'd be ready to run away from home every night. I wouldn't feel the least bit SEXY or interested in sex at that point. Bubble-bath or sleep would be the only thing I could manage at that point.

Go on birth control if you think it would help you mentally. But, otherwise, you might be starved for adult conversation after days, weeks, and months of caring for 7 kids. You might need to get out of the house BY YOURSELF every now and then and refresh your mind and your adult SELF. And you and your H need to get out of the house together regularly and away from kids. Like, once a week go for dinner or something, just you and H. If he won't do that with you, he is not recognizing how extremely draining and unsexy it is to care for that many kids every day. If he won't do that with you, he is part of the problem, too.

Finally, if you aren't having orgasms, then, no, you aren't going to look forward to sex or be eager for it. I doubt your H would want sex all the time if he only orgasmed once in a while. Your head needs to be in the right place for orgasm to happen, like before, so work on what is preventing you from getting in the mood. My bet is baby-sitting kids every day is taking you far, far away from sexy woman mode and putting you firmly in bedraggled mommy mode. You might be better off getting a job and using your mind more creatively or intellectually instead of baby-sitting and using your mind to figure out the best way to clean mashed cheerios out of the rugs and wiping noses.


----------



## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

Your right. He did mention something you said. "Sex is Fun" you should have sex just cause it feels good. Normally my sex drive would not be an issue..like ever.. I want so badly for him to be happy. There are these hurdles that I can't fully identify and the one that I did identify doesnt seem like a valid excuss, and even that normally wouldnt hold me back. So I feel lost, and just being bent over the counter (although it seems fun) would only feel like a band-aid to a much larger issue that I cant put my finger on.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

This is an issue that is spilling over into your sex life, it isn't originating there.

You need a life. You are burning out. You are greater than the sum of being a wife and mother.

Go to school. Get a job. Volunteer. Join a Mommy and Me class. Exercise. Garden. Do something you want to do.

The beauty of doing for yourself is that you will enjoy being a mother and wife again. You will not fill tapped out by your family but energized by them.

Find yourself...you will be just fine.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

norajane said:


> Finally, if you aren't having orgasms, then, no, you aren't going to look forward to sex or be eager for it. I doubt your H would want sex all the time if he only orgasmed once in a while. Your head needs to be in the right place for orgasm to happen, like before, so work on what is preventing you from getting in the mood. My bet is baby-sitting kids every day is taking you far, far away from sexy woman mode and putting you firmly in bedraggled mommy mode..


Most marriages with successful sex lives aren't built around the prerequisite that both partners always orgasms. The one's that do are lucky but it you always wait until you are both hot and horny you will mostly be waiting.


----------



## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

Oh-mo-gosh! That right. I do find myself saying "Oh not tonight I have to babysitt this kid today." or "Oh my sister is droping off the gang to go to an appointment." He says I'm always tired, and I shouldnt be cause I'm home all day. And I think my problem too is that I dont see it as a job because they are my nephews I love them, I'm their Auntie, I didnt really think that taking care of the kids would be draining to the point where I cant even be intamate with my husband. My family is so big that there is always some one coming over, or I need to give some one a ride some where, or Watching kids. Thats a very good point I dont think that I looked at the kids being a issue.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Um....honey NO WONDER!!! It doesn't matter if you're home or in kindercare or at a school. Kids are kids! This work you do is important and tiring! And on top of it you seem like you are letting your family walk on you. They might not realize they are doing it, but for your sanity and the sake of your marriage you need to start setting boundaries. If he doesn't get how hard it is to take care of that many kids let him try for just two hours alone. 
And if he doesn't get it, so be it. Just start setting boundaries. Like you are only available to sit for this many hours a week, for this many kids. I know you love them but it's not worth losing your marriage. It also sounds like in general your family is taking up too much of your time and not respect ting your boundaries. 
Honestly if I were you I'd get a part time job. That way you have an "excuse" not to watch 8 kids, you have your own money, you get to be around other adults, you will have more respect from your husband and still be there for your daughter. 
There are times I'd rather go to work than send a day alone with my daughter. It gets easier the older she gets but being stuck at home all day is no fun! At least at work you get breaks and can pee without someone banging on the door!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh also you need to stop the "pop in" stuff. Let people know that your house is not grand central
station. It's ok to say no sometimes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LivenW/Love01 (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree its not a prerequisite. But that is what is so strange about me and my husband. Like I was explaing before, the last 10 years have been ME chasing HIM. It was common to have multi-orgasim sex, several times a week, for years it was like this. Then Noothing, like my sex drive flipped 360 degrees, like going from swimming then 5 minutes later walking into a desert. This was also so sudden for me as well;then I start to wonder "What Is Wrong With ME?" I having trouble figuring it out so I'm here


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You've had a lot of major changes, and I think being afraid of getting pregnant is very valid. The problem is that sometimes birth control makes your sex drive decrease. So I guess maybe talk to a doctor and try to get one that has the lowest levels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also the first time I got married I felt weird, like we were doing something "naughty" having sex outside of marriage and suddenly it's encouraged and expected that we had sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

These problems often don't seem an explanation. My personal view is it is often hormonal and it may be no one's fault.

Your sex drive could inexplicably reappear just as suddenly as it disappeared or it may never return. 

This is probably hard to hear but if your personal feeling towards sex is that you can't consider it unless you are ready and horny. Then tell your husband, it is only fair. He will have to make his own decisions.

The alternative is your relationship will continue to develop other problems and it sounds like you had a few to begin with. You will both waste a lot of years in an unhappy deteriorating marriage.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> Most marriages with successful sex lives aren't built around the prerequisite that both partners always orgasms. The one's that do are lucky but it you always wait until you are both hot and horny you will mostly be waiting.


I get what you're saying, and I don't disagree. In the OP's case, however, she was having orgasms regularly (for her, however many that is) with her H before they married and moved, but now she is having a harder time and not having the same orgasms. That change means something and should be explored and resolved. If they don't do that, she won't want or look forward to sex anymore; she may eventually start dreading it.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LivenW/Love01 said:


> I will admit that I cheated on him while we were dateing. Again had a baby when I was a teenager with him, kind of grew up together, I wasnt sure if he was the one I wanted to marry, *we would break up get back together the same day kind of thing. Think Teenagers with a baby and expecting the guy to leave at any minute*. Thats just what teens with kids do; Break Up. In that I totally understand why he would think that first.
> 
> Further in our relationship (still dateing) *he admits he doesnt believe in marriage *(his parents never married untill 6 months before his father passed away), and doesnt want anymore kids (becasue of a heriditary bone disease might be passed down) so in my fury at this point I cheated again in the hopes to get pregnant by someone eles. *I mean I was desperate to have another baby.* Which is why I think that my sex drive was out of controll for a long time, because I did want other children. But after a few weeks I couldnt keep lying so I broke it of, came clean to him, and have never done it since.
> 
> I wonder if Im just physicing myself out?


Uh - huh. I think you're psyching yourself out - you know what they say about sex starting between your ears and not your legs. 

Too many kids, too many stresses, and you have to ask yourself the following question and try and answer it honestly:

Have you used sex as a means to 'hold onto' or get your way with your husband in the past when you weren't married?

In any case, I agree with the others that you should consider changing the kind of work that you do - go find a job and some hobbies of your own, go to the doctor and look into birth control (perhaps a non-hormonal IUD), and commit yourself to work with your husband on putting your marriage first in your lives.

Best wishes.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I can tell you exactly why your sex drive went down.
In the past, you had a reason to be sexual. This reason was to have a baby and try to get him to marry you. Those reasons are now gone, and with it your sex drive. Women are very different then men. Men need no reason for being sexual. Women need a reason.

Now, here are the mistakes you are making. In marriage, your role as a wife is to put your husband and family first in all things, and act daily to show your love and appreciation for your husband and family. You have to act with purpose to make your husband feel loved. You are putting your siblings needs to care for their children ahead of your own family and husband.. This arrangement is clearly causeing you to lose interest in your own family. It is a prime example of not putting your own marriage and your own family first in your life. That is a death knell for your marriage.

Now, my original comment was that you lost your reason to be sexual. What you have to know about a marriage is that meeting your husbands needs is of grave importance for the success of your marriage and family. So, if you look at your life with purpose, your though process should go like this: Our child deserves a strong marital home for his best chance in life. A strong marital home requires a strong marriage. Strong marriages need happy husbands and happy wives. A happy husband bends over backwards to make a happy wife. A happy husband is a sexually fulfilled husband. I am going to be sexual toward my husband, because this will cause him to make me happy, which in turn will make us both happy. This will give our children and our family the greatest life possible.

I guarantee if you lose the "I have no sex drive" mindset, and think about the purpose of your life, you will be a much happier person.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't need a reason to be sexual other than it feels good and I get turned on a lot. Not all women are the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

norajane said:


> I get what you're saying, and I don't disagree. In the OP's case, however, she was having orgasms regularly (for her, however many that is) with her H before they married and moved, but now she is having a harder time and not having the same orgasms. That change means something and should be explored and resolved. If they don't do that, she won't want or look forward to sex anymore; she may eventually start dreading it.


 I also see what you are saying. But there does seem to be choice couples have to accept where there is a mismatched need for sex. The LD partner has to be willing to have sex for the benefit of the other or not. And just to be clear, I don't think there is an easy or obvious answer. Too frequently you see the LD spouse agreeing to have sex but becoming increasingly resentful and turned off sex. Or they simply stop having sex and the HD spouse becomes increasingly resentful.

I see what you are saying about looking for more fundamental issues but that search may prove difficult and perhaps fruitless. In the meanwhile, the couple has to acknowledge they are faced with this dilemma and figure out how to deal with it. But what often happens is the choices seem too stark or scary, and they ignore it. Then they both scramble for the moral high ground. As the OP said, she picks fights. I am going to assume that her spouse is less than perfect and she will always be able to find what she is seeking.

My guess is it comes down to personalities. Some people are natural givers and some are not. If the OP is completely honest with herself and is not an natural giver, she shouldn't feel bad about herself or pretend she is, because in the long run she can't hide her feelings. Her husband will then have to decide how to respond. And again, his decisions are unlikely to be easy.


----------

