# Need advice from online gamers



## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

Not sure where to start....and never in a million years did I think that I would have to reach out for advice because of infidelity in my marriage, I need advice on whether this is a EA or am I not understanding the online gaming world and a mans ego....
Anyways, we have been married for 12 years, my husband has always loved his video games. I have bought him several different systems over the years. I guess he does have an addictive personality and at times I have felt less important than his games. He has always stayed up very late into the night playing them.  Chose to chalk this up to letting him have his harmless fun instead of getting insecure about it. But did miss him coming to bed with me. 

Fast forward a few years and he starts online games on the computer, innocently chatting with people about the game, its an instant messaging thing and is visible to kids and I. Starts to tell me personal things like where this person lives, and how some people who are trying to have relationships over the game. Ok, weird, but nothing ever crosses my mind. We have always considered ourselves soul mates and are very much in love... 

We get Iphones in October of last year, he starts to play games on his phone and starts to be completely immensed in game, ignoring everything else, and his kids. (Don't get me wrong he has always been somewhat into his own things) But it starts to bother me that he is always typing on his phone.... I started to say things like "whats so interesting about that game" I looked at it a few times and saw that he was very sweetly chatting to people....His reasons were that you have to make friends to advance in the game so you have to be nice. Again I trust my husband completely so made sense to me even though I did not like it, (it seemed out of character for him, he is a little anti-social) I told him you better not be flirting on your game. He looked at me like I was crazy. And said NO!

We installed find our iphones on our phones and as I was checking it out to see if it was working i noticed that he was sitting in a parking lot in our neighbourhood...weird, but made excuses for him. But at same time wondered if he was waiting for me to go to work before he came home..... One evening I came home, he was typing away on his phone, I asked about kids whereabouts, He had no idea where any of them were!!!! I got mad told him he is on his game too much, he stormed out for a smoke, my daughter came into room and said when she came home he didnt even notice me but was smiling about something on his phone. That did it I grabbed his phone and started to look... it was all right there for me to see, he was involved in an EA... I was so shocked from just the first couple of paragraghs that I read, that I started yelling at him. It went on for about 2.5 months and reading it all literally ripped my heart and soul out. My heart physically ached for 7 days, I have lost weight. He said its nothing, its just stupid, goofing off its not real. 
So my question is, can a man just want to hear "you are awesome" " I like you" from a woman (as he claims ) or was he in an EA....(which he claims he never knew exsisted, and he denies any feelings for her) 

Sorry for the long post but I thought a little history was needed, I can add to what was said on the texts if you need to know more...and any advice would be appreciated


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It's an EA...
I was a heavy gamer. Yes, you network, but at the soul of all the talk was the game. So, you might see various comments about personal life stuff, but there isn't any 'sweet talking'. And, the game was the focus... ALWAYS. The chat about anything else was absolutely and completely secondary.

Now the ones who chatted it up like it was some dating website... They did exist. That wasn't part of why any of us played (and we often told those types to 'get a room' and leave). We knew what was what. If it looks like a duck........ So he's completely fabricating that its a normal part of that social network. 

If it was 'normal', then why hide it from you? My wife often hated my 'geek speak', but there wasn't ever a reason I had any need to hide it (even though she shamed me about it all the time).


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Familiarize yourself with the terms Gaslighting & Fog immediately....

Link in my sig about some fog stuff.


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

It is a big deal. It is an EA. If he has only been at it for 2 months or so as you say, there may still be time. 

If you reference some of my other posts you can read about what happened to me. I was on your husbands end. I was lucky and managed to removed myself from the situation. 

It is extremely hard and very addictive. There are a lot of others here that can offer you more "professional" advice.

What ever you do, do not dismiss it, you must act now and quickly while the information is exposed and fresh or else he may start taking steps to "take it underground".

Sorry this has happened to you, and best of luck.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

It's an EA. It's how MINE started. My long story is in my signature. It all started ingame (World of Warcraft) and moved to texts/emails/messenger. Those kinds of conversations have nothing to do with the game. My husband and I can both attest to that. Yes, you joke around sometimes with the friends you make ingame, but when it goes private, and the smiles over little texts saying "you're awesome" and "i like you" and things like that...the EA is, at the very least, beginning. My husband and I had to cut WoW out because of it. It was too much of a temptation for both of us, but for me especially. And, I am telling you now...if it is WoW, get him out now. That game is a breeding ground for EAs. Yes, there are some who are serious about the game itself, but there are many who are in it to "date"... get your husband out of that environment, like YESTERDAY!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

In case you didn't know, I'm a gamer and so is my Dear Hubby. But gaming--like drinking, drugs, food, or sex--can be misused and become an addiction. There's no magic amount that is okay and one minute more and it's "not okay" ...but like almost anything, when it becomes your focus in life, all your time is spent on it, and continuing to pursue it harms you and those you love...it's an addiction. 

Just so you get an idea, healthy gaming looks like this: Dear Hubby and I play several games: World of Warcraft, Diablo, and Morrowind are our big three at the moment. In each game we have several characters--some we play only in party with each other, and some are our solo characters that we play at the same time but on our own or that we play when the other is unavailable. We both know each other's usernames and passwords for all of our game accounts. We have sort of a "schedule" for when we play: namely we go to work and do our jobs...and after work instead of watching TV or going to a movie, we play together. We either both log on and get in a party with each other..or we both log on and he plays his solo while I play my solo and we talk about it while we do our crafting or whatever. Dear Hubby likes the strategies and techniques employed to maximize damage and beat the bosses in the dungeons and raids, but he doesn't as much like being in the groups...he's not as social. I tend to like the quests and crafting and I tend to heal in raids and dungeons--thus I've come to enjoy maximizing my healing potential. For fun I've tried tanking and damage and understand the dynamics so I can talk to him about it---and for fun he does max out his crafting and achievements. We both love to explore together. We are in a guild with his brothers and a few co-workers and folks from church. The guild is not completely "family oriented only" but it's not at all dirty and when someone is a little risque...someone else usually says "HEY!!" We get a big group of us together on Wednesday and Friday nights, and we help each other out. And yep they expect us to be there and help out because they chip in and help us--so it's a give/give thing. That is the extent of our involvement. If we're tired or one of us is having a bad day...we don't play and that's life. Sometimes we read or do something else. We LIKE playing and enjoy it together as a couple, but it doesn't run our life. 

NOW....compare that healthy way of playing to what has been going on in your husband's life. You tell me: has it been kosher or not? If it's not kosher, then the fact of the matter is, it is infidelity and he needs to end it. I'd personally recommend No Contact = No Gaming for a while until the two of you (you and he) can find a game you will do TOGETHER.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Affaircare, I see what you're saying about playing together and everything. And, it's great that you can. I made quite a few "couple friends" in WoW, myself. Well, hubby and I did. One couple also lives in the Pacific Northwest. However, looking at your pic, I was (kind of) relieved that you weren't one half of one of those couples! THat would have been a bit awkward! My point... yes, SOME couples do well playing WoW together. Some, tho they play together, still manage to get into EAs. Two people I know who are/were married did get into that situation. Fortunately, the woman and her husband were able to work their marriage out. The man and his wife were not...or last I knew, they had not. The man actually, I would classify as a serial cheater...he was my 2nd EA. 

My husband and I played WoW together. We were in the same guilds. We raided and did instances and even quested together. I was almost always assigned to him, as his healer (he, dk tank... me, holy pally). It worked great... except I was still able to get into EA. I do know that, after taking a break, some can come back to WoW with a strengthened marriage. The female friend of mine and her husband did. My husband and I have no plans to return. Unfortunately, we got stuck in that annual pass to get Diablo 3, so still paying the monthly subscription, but we have quit. Perhaps we will return, perhaps we will find a new game to play together. Perhaps we will find a different activity. Who knows? But, I agree with you, affaircare... for now, at least, OP husband needs to step back from the gaming and reconnect with his wife, and they need to find something to do together. 

BTW, my husband has, and had all along, my password and has me on RealID, etc. We have authenticators so no way he could log on if I wasn't home and vice versa (cell bnet authenticator)...anyway, sorry for the hijack! But affaircare, I will concede the argument regarding the gaming. It CAN work... but he needs to step back, for now at least.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I too am a gamer but only play in spare time when wife is out or kids are busy doing something else. I have heard WOW stealing people away from their real lives and people actually getting married on there. Weird hun?

One thing you have to watch out for are the ones who use teamspeak. There is no recording of this and is almost like a cell phone in that it is untracable and voice only. 

Now he really needs IC as he is adicted to this. Just like someone else said alcohol and drugs this is no different


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

sirdano said:


> I too am a gamer but only play in spare time when wife is out or kids are busy doing something else. I have heard WOW stealing people away from their real lives and people actually getting married on there. Weird hun?
> 
> *One thing you have to watch out for are the ones who use teamspeak.* There is no recording of this and is almost like a cell phone in that it is untracable and voice only.
> 
> Now he really needs IC as he is adicted to this. Just like someone else said alcohol and drugs this is no different


People still use teamspeak?


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I am going through a similar situation. My WH met a girl through a online game and it escalated really quick. Knew her online total about a month but it went "romantic" and within two weeks they were madly in love and he was ready to chunk a 12 year marriage, complete with kids, dog, big mortgage, motorhome the works for a girl who lived have a world away who was 13 years younger than him. 

I was blown away- I couldn't wrap my brain around how you could even begin to _know_ someone and profess love when you never saw their smile, held hands during a walk, shared a kiss or even liked the way the smelled....... it was as foreign to me as the theory of alternate universes. Perhaps because I need to see all the physical traits of a person to determine if there is chemistry. I know in real life, a good looking guy seems fantastic then they open their mouth and maybe their voice turns me off....those things you can't see via the net. 

I'm having the biggest challenge in learning about online gaming addictions, online love and everything in between. I really think the net is changing our brains. 

* take this seriously* Msg me if you like.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

I have just recently stopped playing WoW after a 4 year addiction.
I say addiction because I used the game to replace another addiction, that being alcohol. It was an easy switch if that is any indication on how soul draining gaming can be.

I have mentioned this before on another thread, WoW and ANY online game is rife with EAs. WoW itself is a breeding ground.

You become so caught up in the fantasy that it becomes easy to forget that there is a person behind your hero. That the person who you are talking to in game is really just some average shmoe. A high level player (and I was) becomes a king.

Believe me, from experience. EAs are easy to fall into in online gaming.

Easy.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Another vote here for EA!!! There is no such thing as "its nothing, its just stupid, goofing off its not real." My wife is a bigtime gamer. But her thing is FB games. I can tell you not a week went by that she didn't get hit on. Usually by 3-4 guys. She started to get too chummy with some of her gaming friends. Luckily, I was able to put a stop to the situation b4 it got out of hand. Things are cool now b/c she rarely adds any male friends for gaming purposes. If she does, she adds them to my account also. And, if they try to hit on her she deletes straight away! If R is what you want to do, then you gotta go all Ezekial 25:17 on the situation!!!!!!! With my own eyes I have seen men treat gaming as if it were clubbing. The beast is out there and it's hungry! 
ON a side note, a few years ago my wife and I went through a rough spot financially. My in-laws offered to pay for a WOW membership for my wife as she didn't want to spend $$$ on anything but essentials. Over the past few years I have started to wonder if they knew what a meat market this game was/is and were trying to hook her up with other men there. They were giving it the hard sell and neither W nor I could figure out why. She even had a nightmare about it and woke up really disturbed. Some of the people posting here about their WOW experiences are making me suspect that I was right all along!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

EverRain said:


> Not sure where to start....and never in a million years did I think that I would have to reach out for advice because of infidelity in my marriage, I need advice on whether this is a EA or am I not understanding the online gaming world and a mans ego....


I'm sorry you find yourself here, but at least you are willing to seek advice, and hopefully you will be able to improve the situation for yourself and your relationship.



EverRain said:


> ...I guess he does have an addictive personality and at times I have felt less important than his games.... but did miss him coming to bed with me....


Before getting into any of the other issues in your post, I wanted to take time to address this one. A healthy relationship requires work. Part of that work is identifying your own needs, the needs of your partner, the needs of the relationship, and a way to communicate about those needs in a common language (not talking about English here)

Its obvious from the above quote that your needs for attention were not being met by your partner. This is an issue that needs to be addressed, preferably in a moderated environment like couples counseling. 



EverRain said:


> ...I told him you better not be flirting on your game. He looked at me like I was crazy. And said NO!


You communicated your boundaries to him, you told him you would not tolerate flirting in his games.



EverRain said:


> ...i noticed that he was sitting in a parking lot in our neighbourhood...weird, but made excuses for him...


This is a red flag, there is no reason for a person to be "hiding" in the parking lot, unless they were doing something they knew was wrong. As far as making excuses, you were trying to protect yourself with denial, a very common self defense mechanism, but could become problematic. 



EverRain said:


> That did it I grabbed his phone and started to look... it was all right there for me to see, *he was involved in an EA*... It went on for about 2.5 months and reading it all literally ripped my heart and soul out...He said its nothing, its just stupid, goofing off its not real... so my question is, can a man just want to hear "you are awesome" " I like you" from a woman (as he claims ) or was he in an EA....(which he claims he never knew exsisted, and he denies any feelings for her)


You have your answer. As far as what he wants to hear or not, really doesnt matter. I mention the boundaries you established above about flirting in his game. This is an obvious violation of those boundaries.

I think you may benefit from seeing an individual counselor, as well as a couples counselor. Your partner really needs to take a long break from his games while you two are sorting things out. When you reach a comfortable point in couples counseling, you need to establish clear guidelines for how much time you think is acceptable for him to spend playing games. He also needs to make an effort to be transparent with his gaming. You should always have access to all of his passwords and account information. He should also make an effort to explain the nature of the games he plays to you, so at the very least you could do research to see if what he is doing is acceptable in the games he plays.

Good luck, keep us posted on your progress. (I've been a gamer since I was 13, I'm 31 now, in case you needed some background)


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I have grown up with video games. I have seen how they have evovled from innocent time wasters to multimillion dollar blockbusters. Games today put you into a skinner box. (psychology term think hamster in a box. a lever, food , and electric shocks) The short version is games, like a skinner box, reward us in the short term. Unlike reality where you spend 5 years getting a peice of paper saying your smart. Then you spend the next 3 years getting a good job and spend the rest of your life trying to make a good living. 
Massively multiplayer online role playing games have to use these tactics in order to keep you paying 12 a month to keep you running back and forth doing retardedly mundane tasks. 
"http://www.cracked.com/article_18461_5-creepy-ways-video-games-are-trying-to-get-you-addicted.html
"
Reading that will help you understand what is going on in his head a little. My wife's exhusband was so addicted to games that he actually wanted to be called by his online game username during sex. 
These two probably met online innocently and through going through this virtual grind found a connection. I don't think you have to much to worry about from this EA unless 2 things have happened. 1. If they have exchanged pictures and are not simply attached to each others online persona. 2. If the other person is local.
The EA is seems like just another symptom of living in the MMORPG world now. He needs an intervention before he totally decides to break from reality. I would seek a Therapist and get a 2nd opinion but if he is putting games before his kids and marriage. It is time to pull the plug. I had a video game addiction after leaving college. I lost my scholarship. I no longer played sports. I went to work at walmart. I hid inside Video games to fill the gap. 
Also, make sure this "woman" is in the continental US, if you can. Nigerians and Japanese cybercriminals feed on guys like this. They make them believe they are this helpess woman who will give him everything. They just need 500 dollars to get over. They then get your bank info and bang your minus 30 grand.
While the EA is a serious problem the real elephant in the room is the gaming addiction. The reason being that even if you deal with this EA. He will eventually find another female elf ranger to rely on during a four hour raid.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

EverRain said:


> Not sure where to start....and never in a million years did I think that I would have to reach out for advice because of infidelity in my marriage, I need advice on whether this is a EA or am I not understanding the online gaming world and a mans ego....
> Anyways, we have been married for 12 years, my husband has always loved his video games. I have bought him several different systems over the years. I guess he does have an addictive personality and at times I have felt less important than his games. He has always stayed up very late into the night playing them. Chose to chalk this up to letting him have his harmless fun instead of getting insecure about it. But did miss him coming to bed with me.
> 
> Fast forward a few years and he starts online games on the computer, innocently chatting with people about the game, its an instant messaging thing and is visible to kids and I. Starts to tell me personal things like where this person lives, and how some people who are trying to have relationships over the game. Ok, weird, but nothing ever crosses my mind. We have always considered ourselves soul mates and are very much in love...
> ...



He is having an EA. Same thing happened to me. He met a woman on Pogo before he met me. FF a year into our relationship and I found e mails from her to him, her calling him sweetie and baby. I should of left then but did not. I told him it has to stop. I thought it did. Then face book comes into it all and I notice she is just about his first friend when he opened his account. Then a month or so ago I found out they were messaging thru face book private and he said to her sugar, you are always with me. She is married and has a very good looking husband. I told my husband I think I will just befriend her husband and start calling him sugar. I have lost weight, have not slept and the hurt is beyond words. We are healing but it takes time. I am sorry you are going through this. We both cancelled our face book accounts and no more pogo for him.

He had or at least said he had no idea what an EA was. They all say that. Our therapist set him straight right away.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I linked to everything that was requested for me to check out. And found the information helpful.

I should probably add some more facts about my situation...Dday was March 8, and believe me I took possesion of his phone and have now put restrictions on it, changed all the passwords on computers, checked his email that he used for the game and found nothing. He has not been online since, except to tell OW that he was done with the game, and in his own words he told her that it was all a roleplay to him to get her to like him...

It took me a long time to read through all the messages that they had sent to each other, and while I was reading it all I could not see what she was giving to him that would make him love her as much as he claimed he did. ( this is part of why I believe him when he tells me it was all pretend)

It was in a private message to OW, that they communicated. From what I can tell OW seems like she is always flirting with everyone on the games chat, she seems like she knows how to reel the guys in with her sexual comments....

So my WH, starts a private converstion with her that started out with him stating that he has a loving soulmate wife, but she can depend on him to fight but nothing else.... was this a challenge to her? Because soon after she sends him two pictures of herself in bikini, without any prompting from WH.?!!
He tells her she's amazing, he starts to tell her his life story but also how much he loves me, and he tells her how we fell in love, and how he considers us soulmates...
OW and WH decide that because she is involved with someone who she loves and so is he that they can roleplay with each other and no harm will come from it..... (as WH explains this to me it was all pretend not real, he only wanted to see if he could get OW to say he was awesome, and to get OW to say she liked him)

And on and on it goes, WH gets more and more flirty with her and professing his love for her, they chat about good places to have sex, it is mostly WH stating how awesome she is.....OW doesn't seem too interested in his love for her or some of his attempts at turning it into sex talk.....but if WH states something about OW getting sick of listening to him, OW throughs him a few bread crumbs to keep him praising her...... OW sent WH two other pictures fully clothed. WH sent pictures of our family, and one of himself fresh out of shower in a towel. OW never said she liked or loved WH.

He states over and over to me that it was just a quest to see if he could get someone to like him.....
Could this just be heavy flirting on his part maybe to get OW to like him so he could have sexting with her? WH denies this but it kinda makes sense to me. As I looked through the game, I saw alot of "couples" on there talking very sexually to each other ingame.....It is very disturbing to me.

Did he see this and attempt at finding someone who would "play" this way with him... Could it be a mid-life crisis thing about seeing if he can still "catch" women...
WH states that he was realizing that he was going to far and was planning on stopping soon...and that he had become obsessed with getting OW to like him.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow good for him to quit that crap cold turkey. I know some poeple need a lot of IC to get through it.

If he really likes to game tell him World of Tanks is a free online game and as far as I have played no women play that one.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

EverRain said:


> Thanks everyone for the feedback, I linked to everything that was requested for me to check out. And found the information helpful.
> 
> I should probably add some more facts about my situation...Dday was March 8, and believe me I took possesion of his phone and have now put restrictions on it, changed all the passwords on computers, checked his email that he used for the game and found nothing. He has not been online since, except to tell OW that he was done with the game, and in his own words he told her that it was all a roleplay to him to get her to like him...
> 
> ...



Ugh what a load of ....sorry that role play stuff is gross. God grow up, that is all I can say. People do that so they can cheat without cheating which is also a load of crap. It is cheating to me. I am glad he is stopping it.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

sirdano - yes he quit cold turkey but he didn't have a choice!!!! and he told me he would never play again, in an attempt to keep me. He came to me twice and said I think we should play it together now so that you can see what I am doing and trust me again...NO THANKS...although I wouldn't mind playing together and have played with him on x box...I don't want anything to do with the immature, lost soul, sexually inappropriate, environment that was this game....He did supplement with an old offline computer game, but he is filling some of his time now with some long neglected house repairs.

DiZ - I totally agree, it disgusts me and shocks me this how some people can lose all sense of morals....GROW UP! This OW must have no self esteem to constantly need compliments from strangers who usually only want to sext with her....SAD


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

This is a text WH gave to me today...." I did cross many lines, but you don"t have the benefit of being in my head, I did think it just a stupid game. I never wanted her in any way, I am very sorry, and do see how wrong I was. I did not think I was disrespecting anyone as I thought was just stupid game but did get very wrapped up in trying to get my ego boost. I just did something stupid EverRain..I didn't think it could hurt us. I am sorry, I always loved you, you are everything to me. I would never do that if I thought I meant it, I just don't know how to prove it to you." 

I am so confused, I want to believe that it was just a stupid game to him, which would still cross so many lines, but I can't shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was more.....And that he is just lieing to me and making me into even more of a fool...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EverRain said:


> This is a text WH gave to me today...." I did cross many lines, but you don"t have the benefit of being in my head, I did think it just a stupid game. I never wanted her in any way, I am very sorry, and do see how wrong I was. I did not think I was disrespecting anyone as I thought was just stupid game but did get very wrapped up in trying to get my ego boost. I just did something stupid EverRain..I didn't think it could hurt us. I am sorry, I always loved you, you are everything to me. I would never do that if I thought I meant it, I just don't know how to prove it to you."
> 
> I am so confused, I want to believe that it was just a stupid game to him, which would still cross so many lines, but I can't shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was more.....And that he is just lieing to me and making me into even more of a fool...



There is a book recommende here very often that has helped a lot of people sort through this. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass I think. I haven't bought it yet but its in my shopping cart for when I get enough for free shipping.

Hopefully your husband is sincere but you do need to keep monitoring to see if it has gone underground as these things are like any other addiction.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

Thank you Chapparel, I am going to get a copy of this book asap.

I do believe him, just not sure that I believe the part that it was all pretend to him...... On one hand I do and want to believe, but then I start to think it was a full blown EA and my mind can't handle that... 

As far as the monitoring he is unable to connect to anything online at the moment and claims he doesnt want to anyway


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