# New user to this community



## arenasmags

Hey guys 

Just joined today - i need a safe place to be able to vent about my home frustrations - MIL moved in with us over a year ago and it starting to get to me - please help!


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## ConanHub

arenasmags said:


> Hey guys
> 
> Just joined today - i need a safe place to be able to vent about my home frustrations - MIL moved in with us over a year ago and it starting to get to me - please help!


Good to have you and there is a lot of experience with in law troubles on TAM.


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## D0nnivain

Yikes. I'm guessing you & your spouse didn't talk about the length of MILs stay or boundaries before she moved in. You are going to have to have that conversation now. Economically you may be stuck.


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## Diana7

How old is she and can she care for her self? Did you agree that it would be permanent?


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## arenasmags

arenasmags said:


> Hey guys
> 
> Just joined today - i need a safe place to be able to vent about my home frustrations - MIL moved in with us over a year ago and it starting to get to me - please help!



Well thanks for the responses but this is how it went down 

My husbands' brother passed away and she wanted to stay here for a while we agreed ; she works and pays for the room she stays in but its been a year already - im ready to have the house to ourselves anything we do she wants to be involved - im just tired of it - and no we didnt speak on how long she would stay so i know im doomed


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## Mr.Married

Well unfortunately in that case there is only one thing you can do. Drop the hammer and stick to it. Of course you will have to have that conversation with your husband first but hey …. Stick to your guns because he is likely to try crawfishing out of it.


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## BeyondRepair007

arenasmags said:


> Well thanks for the responses but this is how it went down
> 
> My husbands' brother passed away and she wanted to stay here for a while we agreed ; she works and pays for the room she stays in but its been a year already - im ready to have the house to ourselves anything we do she wants to be involved - im just tired of it - and no we didnt speak on how long she would stay so i know im doomed


I can see two possibilities.

1. Have a heart to with her about boundaries and alone time. Tell her you don’t want to see her. She can be there, but use the other door. (this is not a great option and probably not possible)
2. Have the hard talk. First with hubby then with MIL. She’s got to go. Give a liberal deadline.

It’s your house, and your life. Hubby should support this too even though he might not love it.


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## happyhusband0005

arenasmags said:


> Hey guys
> 
> Just joined today - i need a safe place to be able to vent about my home frustrations - MIL moved in with us over a year ago and it starting to get to me - please help!


If you go checkout the "whats cooking" thread I think there is a few good ideas for meals containing various deadly poisons. There's also the old oopsie when backing out of the garage trick. And lastly there are a few members who have good experience with disposing of bodies.


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## Anastasia6

Ok so I have had something similar with a few exceptions.

RULE #1. You and your husband are what is important. Don't make any moves with MIL without talking with your husband. You two need to be a team. You don't have to agree at first but you do need to present a united front to the MIL and of course eventually you two have to agree how to handle the situation.

So I'm sure you have some idea of how your husband feels. To me this isn't a situation of right or wrong (yet). She moved in she's happy and paying rent. The question is does your husband know you are unhappy? What does he think about the situation. 

Once you two determine how you want to proceed then you can decide who gets to tell MIL. You, him or both. I tend toward people talking to their own flesh and blood to cut down on hard feelings with the In-laws. Let her be mad at hubby. It's her son she'll get over it. Unless he does something stupid like say she has to move out because you aren't happy. That's a ******** move. If you two have discussed it ahead of time it would be. You have to move out because we want to enjoy our married time together alone.

Now sometimes hubby may not be strong enough to have that conversation then just make sure he's ok with you having it. Think about what to say ahead of time and even discuss it with him.

Remember in the end you want to be in a happy marriage. You don't want to be in one where there is constant strife due to his resentment or her constantly having it out for you.

For background. My MIL has lived with us for about 12 years and I just moved her into assisted living. We are going to have to play backup finances as well because she blew all her money on scammers. I had to take the lead with Mom because my husband was overwhelmed with the whole process of hospital, moving, finances, doctors, scammers, and handling a delusional mother all at once. BUT on the flip side. I have a strong marriage and sex 3 times Saturday. So it's all good. It's only time and money and hopefully doesn't effect our long term 28 + year marriage.


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## Anastasia6

arenasmags said:


> Well thanks for the responses but this is how it went down
> 
> My husbands' brother passed away and she wanted to stay here for a while we agreed ; she works and pays for the room she stays in but its been a year already - im ready to have the house to ourselves anything we do she wants to be involved - im just tired of it - and no we didnt speak on how long she would stay so i know im doomed


I'm not for or against her living there. You maybe able to discuss boundaries and needing married alone time together and she might could stay. I'm sure she is lonely. On the other hand there is nothing wrong with her moving out especially if neither of you told her stay as long as you want. Even if you did you can explain the time has come.

I'd first ask what is going on in hubby's mind and how your two can decide what's best for you two.

Usually this thing happens because nobody wants to kick their mother out. Also she probably is paying you less rent then she'd have to pay on her own so can she afford to live on her own? You have to remember you are dealing with the person who raised your husband. Good or Bad people usually love their parents.


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## happyhusband0005

arenasmags said:


> Well thanks for the responses but this is how it went down
> 
> My husbands' brother passed away and she wanted to stay here for a while we agreed ; she works and pays for the room she stays in but its been a year already - im ready to have the house to ourselves anything we do she wants to be involved - im just tired of it - and no we didnt speak on how long she would stay so i know im doomed


What are your husbands feelings on the situation? I think it's a rip the bandaid off type of situation. It will be uncomfortable and difficult but eventually this will probably cause real harm to your marriage if you leave it as is.


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## ccpowerslave

I do not have any advice but at the times my wife was sniffing around I made it clear MIL or me; so I never went anywhere near the territory you’re in.


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## Anastasia6

happyhusband0005 said:


> What are your husbands feelings on the situation? I think it's a rip the bandaid off type of situation. It will be uncomfortable and difficult but eventually this will probably cause real harm to your marriage if you leave it as is.


There is no reason it has to cause harm either way.

Her and her husband should be able to figure out what to do. I still want to know what hubby thinks. I mean that's the key isn't it? She can't just rip the bandaid off by herself without his input.


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## happyhusband0005

Anastasia6 said:


> There is no reason it has to cause harm either way.
> 
> Her and her husband should be able to figure out what to do. I still want to know what hubby thinks. I mean that's the key isn't it? She can't just rip the bandaid off by herself without his input.


I agree thats why I asked that first, but my assumption is he is not too keen to boot mom out otherwise she would be out. My main question is this a Mama's boy scenario.


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## Anastasia6

happyhusband0005 said:


> I agree thats why I asked that first, but my assumption is he is not too keen to boot mom out otherwise she would be out. My main question is this a Mama's boy scenario.


Sure but you don't have to be a mama's boy to not want to boot your mom.

I know for us. His mother was in a wheelchair and losing her house. She would occasionally fall over and not be able to get up. For the most part she was an independent adult but needed help with going to the store or bringing in groceries and occasionally getting up off the floor.

He didn't want her to live here but he didn't want her to be homeless or be stranded on the floor or drive 4 hours to get her off the floor.


There are also plenty of cultures where mothers live with children if the father is passed or now a days divorced.

What is key is that they work together. She's feeling like she has no space. So they could fix that by setting boundaries. Like we will happily eat dinner with you on Wednesday but Saturday and Sunday we want the whole weekend to ourselves type thing. Or perhaps hubby also doesn't want mom there but can't figure out the best way to get her out. They can brain storm and work this out.

Either way unless hubby just chooses mom over his wife, it is all workable. Neither me nor my husband wanted his mom here for so long but we didn't get irritated with each other and we didn't let it bother US. A lot of how much this bothers the marriage depends on the two involved.

Now if hubby says I know you want your space but I WANT to spend everyday with my mother and be around her all the time that's a different story. I would never marry or stay married to a man who chooses anyone over me. That's my deal. I'll put you first, you put me first and together we can conquer anything.

Now putting me first doesn't mean that we'd throw his mom on the street. But we discuss and we figure it out.

I hope OP hasn't told us hubby's thoughts just because she isn't on and will pop back in later.


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## happyhusband0005

Anastasia6 said:


> Sure but you don't have to be a mama's boy to not want to boot your mom.
> 
> I know for us. His mother was in a wheelchair and losing her house. She would occasionally fall over and not be able to get up. For the most part she was an independent adult but needed help with going to the store or bringing in groceries and occasionally getting up off the floor.
> 
> He didn't want her to live here but he didn't want her to be homeless or be stranded on the floor or drive 4 hours to get her off the floor.
> 
> 
> There are also plenty of cultures where mothers live with children if the father is passed or now a days divorced.
> 
> What is key is that they work together. She's feeling like she has no space. So they could fix that by setting boundaries. Like we will happily eat dinner with you on Wednesday but Saturday and Sunday we want the whole weekend to ourselves type thing. Or perhaps hubby also doesn't want mom there but can't figure out the best way to get her out. They can brain storm and work this out.
> 
> Either way unless hubby just chooses mom over his wife, it is all workable. Neither me nor my husband wanted his mom here for so long but we didn't get irritated with each other and we didn't let it bother US. A lot of how much this bothers the marriage depends on the two involved.
> 
> Now if hubby says I know you want your space but I WANT to spend everyday with my mother and be around her all the time that's a different story. I would never marry or stay married to a man who chooses anyone over me. That's my deal. I'll put you first, you put me first and together we can conquer anything.
> 
> Now putting me first doesn't mean that we'd throw his mom on the street. But we discuss and we figure it out.
> 
> I hope OP hasn't told us hubby's thoughts just because she isn't on and will pop back in later.


When I say Mama's Boy, I mean a guy who will choose his mom over his wife. So if he is lookout, if he's not then yes a little work to the house and some enforced (by hubby) boundaries can work. My mother already knows living with us is not an option. Plus I have video of her from about 15 years ago on a rant about just putting her in a home. It's on a flash drive in an anti-static climate controlled safe.


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## Anastasia6

happyhusband0005 said:


> When I say Mama's Boy, I mean a guy who will choose his mom over his wife. So if he is lookout, if he's not then yes a little work to the house and some enforced (by hubby) boundaries can work. My mother already knows living with us is not an option. Plus I have video of her from about 15 years ago on a rant about just putting her in a home. It's on a flash drive in an anti-static climate controlled safe.


Which the home works if you have $4k a month to spend.


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## happyhusband0005

Anastasia6 said:


> Which the home works if you have $4k a month to spend.


Those places are pretty much setup to take every penny the resident has. Complete racket. But they get away with it because people do not want their parents moving in with them for the most part.


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## Cynthia

arenasmags said:


> My husbands' brother passed away and she wanted to stay here for a while we agreed ; she works and pays for the room she stays in but its been a year already - im ready to have the house to ourselves anything we do she wants to be involved - im just tired of it - and no we didnt speak on how long she would stay so i know im doomed


First of all, you are not doomed! There are solutions.

Did she have her own place before, or was she living with your brother-in-law? What exactly is her situation? Can she afford to live on her own?

My husband and I lived with my mother for 25 years. It took some working things out at first, but we figured it out and it became a good situation for us and for her. Our living expenses were significantly less and so were hers. We shared chores. She watched the children so we could be alone. It was nice. My kids grew up with grandma in the house and they had strong relationships with her. 

There were are few times where we had to set boundaries, not only us, but her as well. We worked through it and we lived together until she passed last year.

What I found is that we had to communicate lovingly and clearly, thinking the best of each other. I failed at that sometimes, which I regret and wished I had approached things much better. However, overall, we did very well and the arrangement was mutually beneficial. In the end, it was an honor and a blessing to care for my mother when she was unable to care for herself.

Most parents want their children to have happy, healthy marriages. If you approach it from that perspective, you should be able to work out a solution where either you continue to live together or she moves to her own place.


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## Diana7

Where was she living before. Did she have her own home? Was she living with her other son who died?


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## DownByTheRiver

arenasmags said:


> Well thanks for the responses but this is how it went down
> 
> My husbands' brother passed away and she wanted to stay here for a while we agreed ; she works and pays for the room she stays in but its been a year already - im ready to have the house to ourselves anything we do she wants to be involved - im just tired of it - and no we didnt speak on how long she would stay so i know im doomed


Your husband has to step up and make new arrangements for her. You are going to have to let him know you're serious.


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## DownByTheRiver

If it is some extreme circumstance where she cannot live alone even with home Care, then I suggest your husband get a second job and get you guys a big house with a completely separate wing where you don't have to live right there with your mother-in-law. And her wanting to be included in everything tells me that she's not helpless at all and he needs to set his foot down about that pronto.

Or it might just be cheaper for you to just move out on your own and leave them to it.


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## arenasmags

Well my husband is def a mothers boy - so with that being said he's saying he wants to save $ to build his mom something in our back yard - but at the rate we are going that's not going to happen anytime soon - so I'm stuck really STUCK - we have a child with disabilities therefore I don't work only he does - so part me knows I'm stuck bc if I would separate from my husband i would have to find a job and therefore wouldn't be able to take care of my child and bring him to his therapies/appointments - 

So I didnt tell yall that my FIL just moved out about two weeks ago - both inlaws had been at our home for over a year - the only reason why FIL got asked to leave was because he didn't want to work at all - ever since they moved in he never worked - finally son told him that he had to go (after speaking to his dad several times and letting him know he needed to find a job so he could contribute - nothing was wrong with his dad just plain laziness )

im just fed up but I know my husband can't kick his mom out of the blue - but yall would think she would want her own space; i miss it being in our own house just my husband and our son -


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## arenasmags

DownByTheRiver said:


> If it is some extreme circumstance where she cannot live alone even with home Care, then I suggest your husband get a second job and get you guys a big house with a completely separate wing where you don't have to live right there with your mother-in-law. And her wanting to be included in everything tells me that she's not helpless at all and he needs to set his foot down about that pronto.
> 
> Or it might just be cheaper for you to just move out on your own and leave them to it.



We tried this but didnt qualify for the mortage


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## arenasmags

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your husband has to step up and make new arrangements for her. You are going to have to let him know you're serious.


I know he's gotta be the one to do it


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## DownByTheRiver

arenasmags said:


> Well my husband is def a mothers boy - so with that being said he's saying he wants to save $ to build his mom something in our back yard - but at the rate we are going that's not going to happen anytime soon - so I'm stuck really STUCK - we have a child with disabilities therefore I don't work only he does - so part me knows I'm stuck bc if I would separate from my husband i would have to find a job and therefore wouldn't be able to take care of my child and bring him to his therapies/appointments -
> 
> So I didnt tell yall that my FIL just moved out about two weeks ago - both inlaws had been at our home for over a year - the only reason why FIL got asked to leave was because he didn't want to work at all - ever since they moved in he never worked - finally son told him that he had to go (after speaking to his dad several times and letting him know he needed to find a job so he could contribute - nothing was wrong with his dad just plain laziness )
> 
> im just fed up but I know my husband can't kick his mom out of the blue - but yall would think she would want her own space; i miss it being in our own house just my husband and our son -


A lot of places it's not even legal to build something for a second place to live in your backyard. It's not legal here.


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## arenasmags

DownByTheRiver said:


> A lot of places it's not even legal to build something for a second place to live in your backyard. It's not legal here.


 It would be illegal if we did not have the land for it - our house sits on 3 lots so we have plenty of land to build a mothers in law suite only thing is it wont have its own address you know - but that would be the least of my worries - just getting my house back and her behind us in her own place would make me so happy!!


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## DownByTheRiver

arenasmags said:


> Well thanks for the responses but this is how it went down
> 
> My husbands' brother passed away and she wanted to stay here for a while we agreed ; she works and pays for the room she stays in but its been a year already - im ready to have the house to ourselves anything we do she wants to be involved - im just tired of it - and no we didnt speak on how long she would stay so i know im doomed


If she's working she can pay for a room somewhere else.


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## arenasmags

DownByTheRiver said:


> If she's working she can pay for a room somewhere else.


she is but of course its nice to just pay a room fee instead of actual bills in your own place LOL - yes she's working and making good money $25 per hour


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## DownByTheRiver

arenasmags said:


> It would be illegal if we did not have the land for it - our house sits on 3 lots so we have plenty of land to build a mothers in law suite only thing is it wont have its own address you know - but that would be the least of my worries - just getting my house back and her behind us in her own place would make me so happy!!


Can you put a trailer back there for her? Or a quickie manufactured house? That sounds like a good solution but even then your husband's going to have to sit her down and tell her she does not have the run of the house and has to call ahead before coming over or anything.


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## DownByTheRiver

arenasmags said:


> she is but of course its nice to just pay a room fee instead of actual bills in your own place LOL - yes she's working and making good money $25 per hour


In that case I wouldn't even put her on your own property but just make him tell her to go get a place because she's making plenty of money to do that.


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## arenasmags

DownByTheRiver said:


> Can you put a trailer back there for her? Or a quickie manufactured house? That sounds like a good solution but even then your husband's going to have to sit her down and tell her she does not have the run of the house and has to call ahead before coming over or anything.


yes we can put a trailer or a manufactured house - but my husband doesnt want to bring up the subject to his mom because of his brother that passed away - i know he passed away but its been a year already


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## Quad73

How come she didn't leave with FIL to be with him?


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## DownByTheRiver

arenasmags said:


> yes we can put a trailer or a manufactured house - but my husband doesnt want to bring up the subject to his mom because of his brother that passed away - i know he passed away but its been a year already


He's just dragging his feet. She makes plenty of money to live independently and that's what she needs to do so he shouldn't even spend y'all's money on a trailer. You're going to have to get real serious with him. 

I really hope at some point you're able to go to work so that you're not faced with this dilemma when you're older.


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## Diana7

Why isn't she with her husband? Where did they live before?


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## D0nnivain

It sounds like she may be a bit lonely & still grieving. 

I'm not sure what's going on that MIL & FIL no longer live together. 

Still she needs to be encouraged to rebuild a life -- join clubs, make friends, be independent so that she will be more comfortable on her own. That said, you may be stuck because if DH wants to build something for her it doesn't sound like he's keen to get rid of her.


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## DownByTheRiver

Because the brother died, she's clinging to her other child, but she needs to respect that wasn't a permanent arrangement and recognize she's causing issues.


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## Cynthia

How old is your mil?

It does appear that she is lonely and that she is grieving not only the loss of her son, but now her husband has left her. I assume you love your mil and don't want to hurt her, but she does need to make some choices that will benefit her without creating drama or interfering with your marriage. This is a difficult situation, but something that has to be addressed before it damages your marriage. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel?


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