# My husband cheated, now leaving. I am devestated.



## Mjsawyer (Feb 6, 2014)

I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. We have been married for almost 9 years. We are both 31 and we dont have any children. About 6 months ago he told me he wasnt entirely happy and didnt know if he wanted to be married anymore. This came to me as a complete shock. I have been happy this entire time together. I was devestated but he agreed to try and work on "us". We stopped fighting all together, everyone made comments about how lovey dovey we were and I thought our marriage has been the best its ever been. On January 12, 2014 he told me he wants a divorce and this is the decision he has made and there is no changing his mind. He feels that Im not the right person for him, yet the day before he told me he wanted a divorce he told me that he was ready to have a baby with me and that it was time. Since the day he told me he wanted a divorce, I have found out that he has had what he calls an "emotional affair" with a woman from his job. He has been cheating on me with her "emotionally" since he orignally told me he didnt think things were working out 6 months ago. I feel completly lost and alone. He tells me that they are not seeing each other right now in that way, they are just friends yet he has lied about seeing her and calling her. I love him more than I love myself. I feel like I cant handle this and I am sad and miserable all of the time. He has been seeing her secretly for the past few weeks and almost every time I have caught him .He tells me he needs someone to talk to that shes the only friend he has here (he moved to where I am from and doesnt have a ton of friends here). I feel sick and I am trying to do everything I can to get him to change his mind. Eveyone tells me that i need to stop sleeping in the same bed, stop asking for him to hug/kiss/make love to me. I have been asking him for all of these things because for some sick reason, it makes me feel better. I dont want to be alone. I feel like I will never find anyone. I feel like who is going to want me if he doesnt. I feel insecure. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. But I love him and I still want to be with him. I dont know how to deal with this and i have days where I dont think I can do this anymore.. any advice will help.


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## Mjsawyer (Feb 6, 2014)

Major issue now is that we have to live together.. and we are I guess "pretending" because I feel like I need that to cope. We just bought a house a year and a half ago and lawyers are telling me not to leave and he has no where to go so hes not leaving either. I just need some help on how to handle this the right way..


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Wow- That sucks....so if he wants to be free then he needs to fly the nest right? 

1st step...read the 180 and do it...no more begging, sex, crying and making yourself seem like a mushy doormat. 

You stand tall and become the ice queen even if you are dying inside. You save that for the private time when he can't see. 


He moves to couch or spare bedroom--- you surround yourself with supportive friends. 

Eat- Sleep- Exercise------to keep the mind movies from going you start reading books but not in a effort to "change" him..but to heal yourself. 

All these feelings you are having are normal, so normal in fact they are textbook. 

You let him go....go go go go go.... and watch how fast it falls apart. 

Familiarize yourself with terms like cake eating, gaslighting, blame shifting etc. 

Triangles--affairs need them to survive and the quickest way to end it is to remove yourself from their game.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

One more thing....he wants to be single? 

Is she single????? If not, bust her ass to everyone..expose expose expose. 

That means you don't take care of him in any way. 

No laundry 

No cooking

No sex

No companionship

No efforts made to entice him back to you. 

He's a ghost (dead--you pretend you can't see him) so don't do ANYTHING that reeks of your married life....let him be single


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Best thing you can do to end this EA is expose him at work - HR, boss, peers, etc. 

And like DaggeredHeart said, work on the 180. It will catch his attention (if there is any left) and prepare you to face the reality that he may have already detached. 

I'm sorry for your pain, sorry for what he is putting you through this... sorry that you had a reason to find us. But I am glad you did.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> That means you don't take care of him in any way.
> 
> No laundry
> 
> ...


If the circumstances are right, then I agree with this. What I mean is, if you were previously providing all of this at 100%, then taking it away to prove a point and remind him of what he's losing is the right way to go. On the other hand, if you weren't providing these things at 100%, then stopping them all together will simply reinforce the decision to leave you.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I disagree-- if a person is leaving..folding some laundry and cooking won't keep them around. He's not suddenly going to get a wiff of that sweet smelling Tide Mountain Fresh Air and say....."Hey, lets stay married" I don't consider it taking it away, I consider it living like roommates if that is what he wishes for. 


You can't nice anyone into staying if they got a honey on the back burner.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> I disagree-- if a person is leaving..folding some laundry and cooking won't keep them around. He's not suddenly going to get a wiff of that sweet smelling Tide Mountain Fresh Air and say....."Hey, lets stay married" I don't consider it taking it away, I consider it living like roommates if that is what he wishes for.
> 
> 
> You can't nice anyone into staying if they got a honey on the back burner.


Right, but if you were already living that way....and your goal is to get him back, then dialing it down even further is not going to accomplish your goal.

If you were having sex, companionship, cooking, housework etc... at 80 and you dial it down to 10; that's very effective. If you were having sex, companionship, cooking, housework etc... at 20 and you dial it down to 10; not even noticeable. The 180 is about doing things differently than you have been doing, not about withholding.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

See an attorney (a good divorce attorney), file for divorce and have him served immediately. Don't be a Plan B. You can not nice him out of an affair. Odds are it isn't just an emotional affair. Muster up the courage and energy to take care of yourself. No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. Good luck!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Stay strong OP. It's against every natural reaction we have as humans but you have to stay strong.

Stop being nice to him. Treat him like paint on a wall. Do not give him your body. He is probably already giving his to somebody else.

I'm not a fan of trying to "shock" a spouse in to gaining their feelings back for you. I feel that if they thought so little of you as to start an EA and then want a divorce, you will live your marriage in a constant state of worry and regret.

If he wants out let him out. And take solice in the fact that they almost ALWAYS regret it. By then hopefully you've found a man that understands what love is.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. This is not your fault. I know it's hard to believe, but this is truly about his failings, not yours. You are in shock, disbelief, panic maybe. You don't need to do anything drastic right away, but you need to protect yourself, and you need to defend your boundaries. You cannot nice him out of his affair. As long as he is in contact with OW, then really, you have nothing to discuss except for divorce with him. Evict him from your bedroom at the least. Get all his stuff out, and install an exterior lockset on that door, it isn't hard to do yourself, you just need a screwdriver. 

Get yourself into counselling ASAP. You need to get your own head on straight, so you can make good decisions for yourself. You don't need someone else to be whole. You need to find your self worth, self respect. You need to be willing to lose the marriage to even have a chance of saving it, or even making it worth saving. Easier said than done, but you don't need to feel like a pioneer. Many, many people have been through similar things, and came out better for it, so know that you aren't alone. Read, talk, learn from others.

The marriage you thought you had is gone now, changed forever. What replaces it is within your control. Don't settle easily. Divorce is hard. Reconciliation is hard. You will be strong enough to survive either, and life can be great again.

For now, focus on yourself. Take care of yourself. Eat, exercise, sleep. Make an appointment with your doctor. Get tested for stds. Talk to a lawyer to get a feel for what divorce might entail. Set up counselling.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Right, but if you were already living that way....and your goal is to get him back, then dialing it down even further is not going to accomplish your goal.
> 
> If you were having sex, companionship, cooking, housework etc... at 80 and you dial it down to 10; that's very effective. If you were having sex, companionship, cooking, housework etc... at 20 and you dial it down to 10; not even noticeable. The 180 is about doing things differently than you have been doing, not about withholding.




I think your advice works when there is not another person in the picture....but based on what she described, she finds herself begging and chasing in order to make him see the "light" and end the EA. This will not happen. There is no way anyone will be convinced to stay by a pursuing desperate partner.

The 180 is to pull yourself together and not beg for scraps. It's not to win back the cheater. 

In her case her WS is still living in the marital home but considers them broken up so I was reminding her not to still behave wifely when he wants them to be room mates while he openly continues his EA/PA. If he is redefining their marriage then she needs to redefine what needs of his she is willing to meet while he chases another woman. 

Now if he were trying to R, then by all means carry on making improvements and niceness.


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## Mjsawyer (Feb 6, 2014)

Thank you everyone for the advice. I just feel like its easier said than done. He is all I have ever known.. He is the love of my life. How do I just let go and let things be? I cant come to terms with this. I cant understand how this happend. What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this? He tries to help me, he still tells me he loves me and that he will love me forever and that I will always be special to him, he tries to console me when I cry but his tune never changes. This is what he wants and there is nothing I can do about it. I just cant get myself to accept it.. and I feel like Im clinging onto him but the end result is going to be the same. I just dont know how to be the person you are all telling me to be.. I wish i knew how but I dont.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Mjsawyer said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice. I just feel like its easier said than done. He is all I have ever known.. He is the love of my life. How do I just let go and let things be? I cant come to terms with this. I cant understand how this happend. What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this? He tries to help me, he still tells me he loves me and that he will love me forever and that I will always be special to him, he tries to console me when I cry but his tune never changes. This is what he wants and there is nothing I can do about it. I just cant get myself to accept it.. and I feel like Im clinging onto him but the end result is going to be the same. I just dont know how to be the person you are all telling me to be.. I wish i knew how but I dont.


the way i see it you have a couple of choices. one is to allow HIS choices to ruin YOUR life and continue to feel hurt. the other is to take this opportunity to let him go and find someone who loves you through and through.

your crying will not change what he wants. whether you accept that or not doesn't matter. you're smart enough to know that your clinging is not going to change the end result. tell your heart to listen to your head and move forward to a new and better life. 

come here for support. lean on your family and friends. let him go, not bc it's what he wants, but bc you want to be with someone that loves, respects and desires you.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

MJ ---> Slightly angry message follows

You are clinging to him because either he reinforced or you've allowed yourself to believe that he defines you. He doesn't! You've invested in the relationship and done what you can to make it work. BUT it won't!

Why it won't work is because he is not who you want him to be. He is P O S. Any person that would willingly seek out an affair, suggest starting a family and the next day demand divorce is frickin' demented. Please see this man for who he IS.

And take the advice on the 180. This is for you to heal and realize that an adulterous, jacklegged, lying POS does not define you. Find support from your family and friends. Then expose this for what it is.

No one deserves to be cheated on much less so callously discarded. Be defined by the strength you can gather to come out stronger. Leave him to be defined by his actions. 

~Passio


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

In regards to his affair specifically, you didn't do any thing wrong. It actually has nothing to do with you. It's not about you, or what you did, or what you didn't do. It happened because he chose to do it. That's it. He gave himself permission.

You do not deserve it. No one does.

You don't have to know how to be strong, confident, to know exactly the right thing to do. You don't have to all of a sudden be that awesome person (you already are though, really, that's the secret). You just need to act like that person. You don't even need to do it all the time, just around him, and for yourself enough to do the things you need to do. You don't need to be perfect, you'll mess up. It's ok. Just keep trying. The great thing is, the more you act like that great person, the more you will become that great person. You'll learn, you'll grow, you'll figure **** out. It will get better if you try to make it better. 
Maybe you'll save your marriage, maybe you won't. It doesn't really matter. Who knows right now what's best for you? There are too many variables. But either way, you can grow, learn, and thrive despite what is happening to you now. 

Again, for the time being, look after yourself. Continue to reach out for help and support to enable yourself to do the things you need to do. And do them.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Mjsawyer said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice. I just feel like its easier said than done. He is all I have ever known.. He is the love of my life. How do I just let go and let things be? I cant come to terms with this. I cant understand how this happend. What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this? He tries to help me, he still tells me he loves me and that he will love me forever and that I will always be special to him, he tries to console me when I cry but his tune never changes. This is what he wants and there is nothing I can do about it. I just cant get myself to accept it.. and I feel like Im clinging onto him but the end result is going to be the same. I just dont know how to be the person you are all telling me to be.. I wish i knew how but I dont.


If the POS actually loved you, he wouldn't be treating you like this and he certainly wouldn't have a girlfriend. Come on, I know your heart is broken, but you need to get angry. Why would you let someone treat you like this?? He is a jerk. Do you really want to be married to someone like him? He's telling you all the "I love you" business for no other reason than to make himself feel better for what he is doing. Read the stickie about the 180 and put it into practice. See an attorney and file for divorce - that is the ONLY chance you have to knock him off his cloud. Take control - do not let him control you and your emotions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing you need to do is call his parents, siblings, best friend, pastor...anyone whose respect he craves, and tell them the truth. TODAY!

HE will be 'spinning' it to be that you somehow weren't enough, you were mean, he's been hiding it all these years and just can't hide it any more, blah blah blah. Tell them the truth first.

The reason you do this is that affairs thrive in secrecy. They are a fantasy: Oh, we'll just kick out the old baggage and pretend we just met and my family will welcome you to Thanksgiving dinner. Uh, no. The REALITY he needs to see - RIGHT NOW - is that his family is furious with him, ashamed of him, and will NOT bring a homewrecker into their lives. 

This is called exposure. It's truly one of the ONLY ways to get your husband back (the other is to do a complete turnaround and say 'great! I agree! I deserve better! I'll go see the lawyer today; when are you moving out?). Do it today. Tell them that you only want this woman out of his life. That once she is, you are willing to take a good hard look at your marriage and if, after REAL attempts to fix anything, he's still wanting to leave, you'll give him your blessing. But as long as he is dividing his attention between you and this woman, the new exciting woman will always win and he won't honestly work at saving his marriage. 

Then sit back and see if anyone calls him. Expect him to be mad. Good! That means the exposure is working and making him question his choices.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Don't be a doormat. A doormat is very very unattractive. And it won't make him think 'oh no, I think I'd better rethink this!'. Seriously, the only way to deal with this is swift and hard.

I know you are in turmoil right now, your head is pounding and thick, you can't think straight, your stomach is churning, you feel sick, u can't function. But this will ease. You really need to find your anger right now. And give him what he deserves. Which right now, is NOT you! 

Don't be his doormat. Don't be his plan b. Be the one that he wants. 

The only way to have any change of saving anything, is to give him hard consequences and the cold reality of the path he chooses. Go dark on him, throw him out if you can, and expose to all around you so you can get some support. And, so he cannot hide behind a facade of decency.


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

I just wanted to say that no matter how hard this will be to deal with, get over, move on from, divorce, reconcile, or whatever you ultimately decide to do, this will be extremely painful, but please don't blame yourself in anyway for it. Regardless how your husband felt, or how unhappy he has been in the marriage, he, not you, made the choice to emotionally attach himself to this other woman. I know, unfortunately, EXACTLY how you feel because I am literally dealing with the same thing with my husband of 15 years.

I don't have much advice other than what has already been given, but I do advice you to do whatever is necessary, counseling, etc to help you through this so that you are able to make the right decisions for your marriage. I really wish you the best, and please be strong...


Tiffany


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes. Remember that, the instant someone enters into an affair, EA or PA, they start painting their spouse black. It's how they live with their own horrid behavior. It must be my spouse who is so awful I had no choice but to look elsewhere. It's a psychological response to guilt.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry that you are going thru this horrible experience.

Is your family close by? I hope you have told your family and his family what he is doing. 

You have been given good advice regarding the 180 and also exposing to the OW's family. Is she married or single? I also hope that you expose to your husband's HR at work.

You have been told to get an attorney and file for divorce. If your H wakes up and changes, you can always consider stopping the divorce. But your H is being very selfish and is treating you lousy. (extremely lousy)

Do something for yourself. If you like to shop, go shopping. I like to exercise, it helps me. Can you take a leave of absence from work and go visit your folks, or are they nearby? 

Have your Dad tell your H to get out of the house. (or your attorney) You have done nothing wrong, and you should ask your H to leave, because he will not stop his affair.

It may be a PA rather than an EA. You might want to consider getting tested for stds and stop all relations.

Hope you find some happiness and peace someday.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Mjsawyer said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice. I just feel like its easier said than done. He is all I have ever known.. He is the love of my life. How do I just let go and let things be? I cant come to terms with this. I cant understand how this happend. What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this? He tries to help me, he still tells me he loves me and that he will love me forever and that I will always be special to him, he tries to console me when I cry but his tune never changes. This is what he wants and there is nothing I can do about it. I just cant get myself to accept it.. and I feel like Im clinging onto him but the end result is going to be the same. I just dont know how to be the person you are all telling me to be.. I wish i knew how but I dont.


He wants to divorce you so he can be with her. He chose her over you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't love you. You are a second maybe even a third thought to him. Are you really going to take seconds to his OW? Listen to me, you will feel like you won something if he does come back, but in a year, 2 years...it is going to eat at you. You will eventually stop loving him altogether because the reality of what he has done will never go away.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Get tested for STDs
2. Do the 180.
3. Expose this.
4. Don't cook for him, no laundry, nothing.
5. Don't be hasty in any decision but get an attorney.
6. Don't beg.
7. Start going out. Don't do anything stupid, no drinking, no going out with guys, but go out and don't let him know where you are.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I have a hard time believing this isn't a PA. Would it make a difference to you if you knew they were sleeping together? Would you still be begging him to love you, to not leave you? If I were you I would file for divorce and find a way to kick him out. It may not seem like it, but it's less painful to have him gone than to have him there and actively devoted to another woman.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

:iagree:
Yes, probably a PA. Men are very much influenced by sex. She gives him nookie and tells him he is the best lover ever. He is probably lost and gone. However, if there is an outside chance that you can change things, it is by pushing for divorce, for only by demonstrating that you don't need him will raise your attractiveness in his eyes.

Someone wrote that you should treat him like paint on the wall. Right on. Ignore him in detached fashion. Treat him like he is nothing. He has not taste your distain. It may shock him to the core. But do not let him touch you to break your resolve.

Reconciliation can only take place if he is remorseful and breaks off contact with OW.

Focus your sorrow. Right now it is like kind, warm sun light. You need to concentrate it to form the white hot dot under a magnifying glass. He has to feel your fury and anger singe and burn.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mjsawyer said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice. I just feel like its easier said than done. He is all I have ever known.. He is the love of my life. How do I just let go and let things be? I cant come to terms with this. I cant understand how this happend. What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this? He tries to help me, he still tells me he loves me and that he will love me forever and that I will always be special to him, he tries to console me when I cry but his tune never changes. This is what he wants and there is nothing I can do about it. I just cant get myself to accept it.. and I feel like Im clinging onto him but the end result is going to be the same. I just dont know how to be the person you are all telling me to be.. I wish i knew how but I dont.


He used to be the love of your life. But that man is dead. Your husband killed him and replaced him with a pod person.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I have a hard time believing this isn't a PA. Would it make a difference to you if you knew they were sleeping together? Would you still be begging him to love you, to not leave you? If I were you I would file for divorce and find a way to kick him out. It may not seem like it, but it's less painful to have him gone than to have him there and actively devoted to another woman.


I agree with AD re PA. He is a VERY good liar and so it was like a bolt of lightning for you. He's still lying - telling you he loves you? Is he for real? And he's living under the same roof but still seeing OW? He's clearly quite a cruel man and hasn't even the decency to stay in a motel or with friends.

As a poster said time to get angry and get the best settlement you can. 

1. Please get a family member/friend to help you out seeing a lawyer re D etc. You won't be thinking straight now. You are shocked and traumatised. Anyone would be.

2. File for D and tell him to go to a motel or stay with friends since it was HIS decision to end the marriage yet only the day before he was talking about having a child with you??? Tell him to STOP saying he loves you because otherwise he wouldn't want a divorce.

3. Try to out that horrible OW if you have the energy. Tell her H if she has one.

Do you see just how cruel he is? 

You are only 31 - that is SO young believe me. You may not see this now but imagine if you had a child with him and then he did this? After all he was talking about having one right before he told you he wanted a divorce. 

Please get your financial/legal ducks lined up and run as fast and as far away from this excuse of a man. Now you know who is REALLY is. 

I'm very glad that you are close to home. You said that he's from quite far away. Let everyone know what is going on so they can help you out. 

I'm SO sorry you are here.


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## Mjsawyer (Feb 6, 2014)

Thank you for all of your support everyone. I am just going through a terrible time.. as I guess you have all gone through as well. Its only been a month since he told me he wants a divorce and I find him pulling away from me now. Shouldnt I be the one to pull away? I get so angry that he gets to make all these choices and I dont get to decide anything. But i guess thats my problem. I need to be strong.. Its just hard. Im working on it.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

glad you checked in Mj.
it could be a terrible time for awhile but the sooner you see him for the man he really is, the sooner you'll start hurting less and begin to move on.

stop thinking of him as the man you married, the man you had so much love for and dreams with. he is not that person anymore. he is the man that doesn't care how much it breaks your heart to leave you, he's leaving anyway. he's a man that has lied and deceived you. you do not want to be with that man.

have you told your friends and family yet? that's a decision you can make. let everyone know he is leaving you for someone at work. SOON. he's bringing chaos into your life, time to throw a little his way.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Mjsawyer said:


> Thank you for all of your support everyone. I am just going through a terrible time.. as I guess you have all gone through as well. Its only been a month since he told me he wants a divorce and I find him pulling away from me now. Shouldnt I be the one to pull away? I get so angry that he gets to make all these choices and I dont get to decide anything. But i guess thats my problem. I need to be strong.. Its just hard. Im working on it.


You do get to make the choices. You get to choose who you want to be for the rest of your life. That is the most important choice. The rest is all just unimportant details.

You are still in shock. You need a better perspective, so don't consider your history with him before his betrayal. He is NOT the same man you married. Look at how he treats you now and see if that is how you would like to be treated for the remainder of your life. The answer should become obvious to you.

Figure out who you want to be and start working on how to get there. The rest will fall in place. Part of that is realizing you don't want to be treated like you are second best so start detaching. Don't go back to some old memory. See him for who he is now and every time you start longing for the old days, stop yourself and take a big dose of your reality today.

I am sorry you are here sister. I understand your pain very well. God bless.


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