# Mixed Signals - argh!



## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

Hi folks. I am really confused. My marriage went into crisis early this year, but had been very rocky for about 2-3 years (we are married 19 years and together for 21+ years, 2 kids 19yo and 10yo) When the crisis happened she said she wanted a divorce. At the time she said she was 90-10 sure she wanted it. I pointed out it was the nuclear option and she should be 100% She agreed to try counseling for 'a while'. At one point, about a 6 weeks into that she said she really did want to reconcile and to give it 6 months and re-evaluate. She tried a little extra at that time (but not a LOT). We had a fight about 3 weeks later and to some degree blew that arrangement. Now she is back being very negative about the future; though we are still officially giving it 6 months evaluation. I get mixed signals now.

PROs
•	Gives me kiss and hug on way to work and returning
•	When I ask if she is trying to reconcile, she says yes. When pressed she'll say 'but doubtful' or 'I don't believe we can make it work' or 'I don't think I can forgive you (verbal abuse and temper/anger)' or 'I don't think you can change permanently'
•	Scheduled sex once a week is good (not passionate, but mutually fulfilling). Not a lot of cuddle/pillow-talk afterwards - but even in good times that wasn't her style. This is more sex than I was getting for the past several years, frankly.
•	Is not seeing a lawyer (to my knowledge; pretty sure that's true)
•	Attends marriage counseling once a week for 1 hour (1.5 hours every other week)
•	Holds my hand on couch watching TV (75% I initiate)
•	She says she loves me. "That's why this is so damn hard." When pressed she'll say her love has been diminished over the last bad couple of years.
•	I very seriously doubt any physical affair. Very unlikely emotional affair, too.
•	We have 3 scheduled talks of 45 minutes each week to be used to discuss our relationship and our issues list (mutually made up and our rankings are very similar)
•	We go out on the weekends as a family and have fun at carnivals, shopping, boat trips, beach, etc. So long as we don't talk about the marriage or issues in the car on the way to the events 
•	Agreed to try a different marriage councilor who specializes in Gottman and see how that works (with eye to canceling our current councilor who is a jack of all trades and we feel only marginal improvement from).

CONs
•	Tells her friends/relatives she "is almost certain we won't get back together", or "I won't be dragged into a reconciliation I don't want"
•	Does not read the books the marriage councilor suggested
•	Does not do the 'homework' from the marriage councilor
•	Will not tolerate any sexual contact outside the scheduled 'appointment' (Saturday morning, before the kids are up.)
•	If our talks become fights (this is less frequent as the MC has taught us some good skills here) she is quick to say "I'm done. This can't work. Divorce."
•	She says to me issues are not getting resolved - especially trust (we both don't have much of that right now in each other.)
•	She says to the MC that she feels she has worked on this relationship and on me for years before now and is tired of trying. She sees no difference between now and then. (I point out that *I* wasn't trying and now I am, and that we have guidance now and didn't before.... but that doesn't seem to help.)

She went back to work last year (she had been stay at home mom for 17 years) and is going through menopause. While there are definitely good reasons to examine our marriage and I am at least 50% to blame and own that, could a lot of the mixed signals and indecision be change of life and mid-life crisis? from my reading she seems to have a lot of the characteristics of the 'walk away wife' syndrome. 

Two questions for the group: Has anyone been in this type of mixed limbo? What are the successful strategies I might employ for all of us to be happy?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

how much snooping did you do re: potential affair. Smells a little fishy.


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## RayJakeman (Jun 23, 2015)

There will be disagreement with me on this but here goes. Relationships change over time. By that I mean the young sex filled days go past to the point post-menopause when sex will be more of a duty (hence scheduled) and the relationship will change from what it was to being friendly (again, holding hands, a peck on the cheek). Two people do not evolve the same way over many years. Their fitness, health,weight, hormones etc happen at different times.So the signals are mixed because you think its a demonstration of ways things were before but she is trying to define a new relationship. Your MC is not doing a good job here because you need to find the common ground with a changed her. As long as all the foundations are still in place (fidelity,finance ((and includes real motivation for selling the house))),you will have to accept that this is a permanent change and learn to adapt and make compromises.


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

There really are no signs of an affair. A PA would really be impossible. No missing time from our very tight scheduled days, no strange phone calls, no mysterious numbers, etc. She has always been a pretty honorable person with good values even in our most tested times. Is she developing an EA with someone at work? Even that I doubt. She talks to her sister, cousin and her two or three girlfriends... a lot... tooooo much (they are ALL divorced and/or in really miserable marriages)! And she also get emotional support from loving and being (overly?) attentive to our adopted daughter.


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

I suggest not arguing with her, not asking her about the relationship, not begging, pleading, groveling for her to come back, being happy and upbeat regardless of how she is, not initiating any physical intimacy, doing things you enjoy and happily asking her to join you, and being just as happy if she declines, and then enjoying it for you. Make healthy changes necessary in your life and do not discuss it with her or try to impress her with it.


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

RayJakeman said:


> Your MC is not doing a good job here because you need to find the common ground with a changed her. As long as all the foundations are still in place (fidelity,finance ((and includes real motivation for selling the house))),you will have to accept that this is a permanent change and learn to adapt and make compromises.


That's a really good point about the MC! My wife and I made up a list of issues, but we never seem to talk about it at the MC. We always wind up talking about feelings and communication - which was helpful at the beginning to help us talk without the death spiral fight. But we never seem to talk about the 'what would make me happy NOW' list. We spent a lot of time coming up with it separately, then combining and ranking. What we can't figure out are the solutions. We are in a standoff over every issue.


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

I think a lot of the problem is that I have made a lot of changes, and she even recognizes them. But she can't "forgive" the past hurts. She also really won't acknowledge any role in the deterioration or acknowledge how she hurt me. I certainly don't push these topics but she can't keep living in the past - even if we get a divorce. Unfortuately al l her friends and family LITERALLY tell her top keep remembering the hurt and leave


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

Liam: I agree. Whenever I lay low I get better results. It is just so damn hard!!!!


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

Sure it is hard, but then again you are supposed to do things you ENJOY. And do not be sulking around the house. Be happy and upbeat and find things to do. Ignore her negativity. 

Frankly, I am a whole lot happier since I got divorced, but pretty sure I could have saved it in the days before the divorce became final just because I had moved on and was doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and she realized I CAN be happy with or without her. 

If your wife is aware of this, she may change her attitude. You have to be prepared to walk away, and be happy either way.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> CONs
> •	Tells her friends/relatives she "is almost certain we won't get back together", or "I won't be dragged into a reconciliation I don't want"


She is not into it. Nicing her back does not appear to be working. For me personally, after hearing this, I would go draft the D papers and have her served. I will not be a door mat or left in limbo until they get their head on straight.


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

Move on with your life. Quit analyzing, and over analyzing what she says and does. It is holding you back from living your life. You are wasting your life. Do not worry about what she says or does. Do what you want and be happy to not have to have that albatross around your neck. You are wasting your life. Quit analyzing, and over analyzing what she says and does. It is holding you back from living your life. Move on with your life. Do not worry about what she says or does. Do what you want and be happy to not have to have that albatross around your neck. You are wasting your life. Move on with your life. Quit analyzing, and over analyzing what she says and does. It is holding you back from living your life. You are wasting your life. Do not worry about what she says or does. Do what you want and be happy to not have to have that albatross around your neck. You are wasting your life. Quit analyzing, and over analyzing what she says and does. It is holding you back from living your life. Move on with your life. Do not worry about what she says or does. Do what you want and be happy to not have to have that albatross around your neck. You are wasting your life.


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood (Apr 5, 2015)

I hear you. But we have a long history of lots of good stuff and sticking out bad times (a child's death for instance). We are always friends and do like each others company even when we are at our worst. It seems worth saving. Some books and boards indicate that there is *always* hope. 

But after four months of me changing with little effect I *am* beginning to lose self respect. I am just not sure when will be the time to move on or what the sign of hopelessness will really be.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

IwasBad_ButNowImGood said:


> I hear you. But we have a long history of lots of good stuff and sticking out bad times (a child's death for instance). We are always friends and do like each others company even when we are at our worst. It seems worth saving. Some books and boards indicate that there is *always* hope.
> 
> But after four months of me changing with little effect I *am* beginning to lose self respect. I am just not sure when will be the time to move on or what the sign of hopelessness will really be.


Sure...there is always hope. However, after 4 months and your W is still not working towards repairing the marriage. You are attempting to fill a tire with air using an air pump. Problem is there is a huge hole in the tire and you will continue to pump with no desired results of a full tire. This is what you are working with. Your W is set against fixing the marriage. It takes two.


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