# Asked husband to leave this morning



## scarletto (Aug 20, 2013)

I have had issues with my husband over the years, but one of the biggest issues we've had it his drinking problem. He is a "functioning" alcoholic. To most of his friends and coworkers, he is the perfect man. However, my H drinks to excess and often blacks out and even drives intoxicated. Last night was the last straw. He came home and at around 1 in the morning, he started to urinate on my nightstand. I woke up and told him to go to the bathroom and he yelled at me. He then passed out in our bed and I was so disgusted by him, that I went to sleep on the couch. We have two small children. This needs to stop. He doesn't do things like this every time he drinks, but it will happen at least once every few months. I packed him a bag and told him to go stay with his brother. I'm not sure where to go from here. He is like having a teenaged son. He goes to work, but that is really his only responsibility. I work from home and raise our two children, handle all bills, appointments, etc. I want for him to be more responsible in our life and with his drinking. I'm afraid I will let him come home and in a few weeks he'll fall back into the same pattern. Any tips, ideas?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Don't let him come home until he's had a period of sobriety and gotten serious help. Blackouts and driving while intoxicated is not functional. An accident could bankrupt you and/or leave your children fatherless. 

Do NOT enable him by letting him come home prematurely. Your children do not need to be around a drunk.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Don't let him come home until he's had a period of sobriety and gotten serious help. Blackouts and driving while intoxicated is not functional. An accident could bankrupt you and/or leave your children fatherless.
> 
> Do NOT enable him by letting him come home prematurely. Your children do not need to be around a drunk.


This.

And along with a period of sobriety, counseling or AA. Otherwise he's taking you down with him and it won't be pretty.


----------



## scarletto (Aug 20, 2013)

Thank you. That is what I needed to hear. He does a good job of making me look like the "paranoid" one and swears he'll change and never does. I need to stick to my guns this time.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why would you let him home, if you think he's not capable of being a contributing member of the family? But keep in mind that legally, he can come home anytime he likes...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## scarletto (Aug 20, 2013)

PBear said:


> Why would you let him home, if you think he's not capable of being a contributing member of the family? But keep in mind that legally, he can come home anytime he likes...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh I know this!  In the past when I'd ask him to leave, he would refuse. However, just the fact that he is willing to stay away, makes me think that he understands how serious I am this time.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Don't let him come home until he's had a period of sobriety and gotten serious help. Blackouts and driving while intoxicated is not functional. An accident could bankrupt you and/or leave your children fatherless.
> 
> Do NOT enable him by letting him come home prematurely. Your children do not need to be around a drunk.


x2


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

scarletto said:


> Thank you. That is what I needed to hear. He does a good job of making me look like the "paranoid" one and swears he'll change and never does. I need to stick to my guns this time.



I'd encourage you to make a checklist of "signs of genuine recovery" and be firm that until those items are met, that you will have no contact. Simple examples: 

Not Quite Recovering: 

Attends meetings, but doesn't work steps or get sponsor
Full of blame for others
Offers excuses, reasons, and lies

Recovering: 

Obtains a sponsor
Focuses on own recovery and stops hostility toward others
Offers humility


If he's making you think you're paranoid or overreacting, it's a STRONG sign that he's in the "not quite" camp.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I recommend you get involved in Alanon. This is a serious situation.
As has been mentioned above, you are in serious danger of losing everything due to him killing or injuring someone. This is not a well-functioning person. This is a man who is a danger to himself and to others.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What is your housing situation? Do you own or rent your home? Who is signed on the mortgage/lease?
I recommend you at least consult with an attorney to find out what your rights are.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell the cops he drives drunk and tell them where he drinks and when so they can get his drunken dangerous a$$ off the road before he kills someone including himself.


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

There is a point where it's time to get out, and FAST.

I believe YOU are at that time.

Next time you know he's going to drive drunk, it's sort of an obligation to everyone to call the police and turn his azz in! Maybe the whole ordeal of that will wind up helping him out....


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If he pissed on the night stand, he must have just missed pissing on you. Nobody is more sure to not realize a person is a drunk than the drunk, themselves. If he refuses to get help in abstaining, show him the door. 
Life is shorter than you may realize.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I am not sure of the legalities but you may also want to file a formal separation. I would check with an attorney and see if that would protect you financially in case he causes a bad accident while drunk. Also if you handle the finances I would put a spending limit on any of the charge cards he uses and split your savings in half and put your half in a separate account. 

Now that he is out of the house and doesn't have the "going home to the wife and kids routine" he may just go from bad to worse.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> tell the cops he drives drunk and tell them where he drinks and when so they can get his drunken dangerous a$$ off the road before he kills someone including himself.


This unfortunately is correct. In fact it's your moral obligation as a citizen to report drunk drivers as he is willingly committing a criminal act of driving drunk which could kill an innocent person.

I know it's awful but alcoholics are very selfish people that choose the bottle over their lives and their families. They need help but you enabling will not get them sober permanently. 

You need to decide whats the best for your children and you. A drunk in the home is unacceptable and must be stopped immediately. Alcohol has no place in a healthy family and marriage. Tell him he needs to get cleaned up and stop drinking immediately or you will divorce his ass. Set a timeline and stick with it. Good luck.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Lived it and know exactly what you are saying. husband and I have been together for 25 years and I knew almost immediately he had a drinking problem. I can guarantee you it WILL NOT stop unless you take desperate measures and he is willing. 

I got so sick of the fool my husband would make of himself while intoxicated. I feel I have lived my marriage alone as the man has something to drink almost every night and many times too much. Used to be he would drink a 12 pack a night. If I said anything he'd get defensive and tell me I needed to accept him the way he was. I do not know why I did not leave, I should have. 

Several months ago I proposed a contract at the encouragement of my counselor, this was actually before Christmas. He has honored it. I am actually surprised and he has done well.

Do not let this man back into your house until there is an agreement of some sort.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I have some very traumatic memories of childhood with an alcoholic daddy.

Among them are:


him peeing in the kitchen sink (and asking mommy why he did that "because he couldn't find the bathroom")

looking down the stairs and seeing him passed out on the bathroom floor and thinking he was dead

him burning the christmas presents from mom's parents in the fire. my grandparents had issues with his drinking

being waked up to leave maternal grandparents in the middle of the night. we were visiting for a holiday and he got into a fight with them
etc

I'm > 50 and still remember these things vividly. My youngest sister married an alcoholic who was jailed for DWI's and lost his license. Her son hit a tree drunk at age 17 and is permanently disabled with a traumatic brain injury.

Protect your children and future grandchildren by holding your H's feet to the fire on this.

Al-Anon can be a big help.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Blonde said:


> I have some very traumatic memories of childhood with an alcoholic daddy.
> 
> Among them are:
> 
> ...


It's something how those memories hang on, Blondie I have some of the same memories about my dad, and he's been dead for 30 years. I can't tell you the number of times I would hide from his rages and when he would finally pass out I would sit there watching him while wishing he would stop breathing.

Scarletto are these the kids of memories you want your children to have?


----------

