# Seeking advice on Separation.



## L85 (Feb 18, 2013)

Ok, I am a new member I have found a lot of information on this site and thought I would post my story to hopefully gain some insight on my current situation. My W and I have been married for 2 years together for almost 6. Over the course of the past year we started to drift apart and argue more and more. I take full responsibility for letting the situation progress to this point. I ignored her attempts to tell me how she felt and fix the situation. I had the tendency in the past to ignore some of the things she said (Big Mistake!) I am laid back and easy going while she is easily offended it we used to balance each other out before the past year perfectly. A month ago she moved out, the experience of coming home and finding her gone was like being hit by a truck. It has changed my view on everything in life. I feel like I work up from a yearlong dream. At this point my only contact with her has been through email. I don’t have her number. A few days after she moved out she came back while I was at work and got everything she owns left her house keys ect. 

I found out she has an apartment. She already separated everything financially a few months ago; this is what we were fighting about when she moved out. I was focused on her actions of pulling away and separating everything instead of the reasons behind it. My feeling at the time were if you want to work things out you don't tell your spouse you are done or go through the motions of separating everything behind their back. 

My reaction to all of this has been to write email after email everyday telling her how sorry I was and how I want her back. Her response has been cold and angry she seems to be filled with so much anger towards me and how I have let her down. We met up last week to exchange some tax items since we decided to file jointly. I told her again how I felt and asked her to forgive me. She seemed defensive but not as angry. Overall she was noncommittal she won’t give me any time line for our separation.

I sent her flowers this past week and a letter telling her once again how I felt and that I want to work it out. Her only response was “thanks, wish you could have told me this a year ago.” She seems to waiver between wanting to work it out and having no interest whatsoever. I feel like she is trying to make me pay for what has happened over the past year. My question is what course of action to take now. She has to know how I feel by now; I am to the point where I am ready to stop all contact besides what is absolutely needed.


----------



## Asian (Nov 4, 2012)

Expect worst that's Best you can do. When woman moves on usually that's the end of the story. Expect she is with OM already.
But you got to do what you want to do, you might waste your time and get burned but it's ur life follow ur heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## L85 (Feb 18, 2013)

I have been expecting the worst. However if I suspected anything with OM I would have no trouble cutting ties. The only reason I still have hope is because I believe she isn't sure of what she wants.


----------



## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

If you want her back your only chance is to state your desire to work things out(which you have), do the 180, and go dark ie. no contact. You can research those concepts here on TAM. She will not come back to a clinging needy man. You must let her go emotionally, heal yourself, and hope she notices-she may or may not notice or come back. Sorry to be so blunt- I know how you feel believe me. She may have an OM. Good luck with your situation-it is really painful for the codependent LBS.


----------



## L85 (Feb 18, 2013)

Thank you for the advice. I want to do the 180, after this past week. I feel like my attempts at reconciliation so far have shown her that I do care. My main concern is that she will think that by going dark on the communication I have given up. But at the same time if she feels like she can come back whenever she wants this separation could drag on.


----------



## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

Asian said:


> Expect worst that's Best you can do. When woman moves on usually that's the end of the story. Expect she is with OM already.
> But you got to do what you want to do, you might waste your time and get burned but it's ur life follow ur heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


agree


----------



## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Yeah, stop the emails/flowers. Don't beg, don't plead, don't swear you're a changed man.

I was in the exact same boat. Still am. She tried to tell me these things. I didn't listen, didn't take it seriously. She left, and it _was_ the wake up call I needed. But she had given up. I sent those emails. I sent her flowers. It made her angry - made her mad that it took her actually walking out to get me to listen. Just pushed her further away. Of course, mine did have an OM, was in an EA, but even if there hadn't been, I still could not have handled that first week of separation more poorly.

Mine waivered and was noncommittal at first, but I think that was just her way of trying to let me down gently, because she could see how much anguish I was in. After about a week of me trying to chase her, she dropped the bomb - "I want a divorce." Unfortunately I have a feeling you will hear this soon, especially if you keep chasing.

Back off. Give her the space. Go 180. If you find out that there is an OM in the picture, or she says she wants a D, then it's time to start focusing on moving on, and stop waiting for her to decide what happens.


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

She is absolutely NOT SURE about what she wants. But one way to entirely make her sure she does NOT want you back is to do what I have done, and what you are doing, and that is to send flowers and basically "beg", for lack of a better terms.

This doesn't mean you have to be mean, but move on with your life, and do it for YOU not her. There is a person inside you that she once loved deeply, you'll force that side of you further and further away from reality the more you cling to her. 

The biggest thing to understand (and I'm terrible at it) is that any argument against the way another person feels is pointless, fighting another's feelings with your feelings won't change the way they feel, it will further cement their position. 

Like I said, I stink at this, and I'm not stating this stuff to point fingers at you, if anything I read what I'm posting and wish I were better at taking my own advice


----------



## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

You are getting great advice, 

I need to take the same
advice


----------



## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Well...I dont understand why everyone keeps saying that she may not know what she wants?

I mean, she told you to listen to her and you ignored her.
She separated everything financially and got her own apartment. 
She gets angry when you send her emails and send her flowers.

It seems to me that she knows that she needs space right now. People dont go getting apartments when they dont know what they want out of a spouse. Im sorry.

Im glad you realized that she was fed up because of your part. 

She might come back but only after she sees a change in you, not because you are telling her. Do the no contact and the 180 rules and im sure she will be wondering why you suddenly stopped wanting her back. Then she'll come to you.

But you have to be strong and do things for you too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I hope no one saw my reply to this thread, I thought msgarcia was responding to my thread, I am glad I caught it, my response made no sense at all  Deleted...


----------

