# Child support questions



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

For those who pay child support, do you feel your ex should have a lower standard of living than you do because you pay child support?

For those who receive child support, have you ever had to have a conversation with your child like, "please just don't talk about any of my purchases to your other parent because it's causing a lot of problems?"


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am a sometimes receiver of child support-let's just say consistency has never been one of my ex's strong suits.

Never, never, never do I tell my kids not to tell their dad anything. I figure I'm the adult here and I can handle whatever ever the ex has to say. Its much more important for me to teach my kids NOT to keep secrets or ever feel the need to lie because they mistakenly think they need to protect me. Lies don't protect you, and lies of omission are still lies. Had enough of the lies when the ex was here. 

I understand the desire to decrease the drama, but keep the kids out of it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> I am a sometimes receiver of child support-let's just say consistency has never been one of my ex's strong suits.
> 
> Never, never, never do I tell my kids not to tell their dad anything. I figure I'm the adult here and I can handle whatever ever the ex has to say. Its much more important for me to teach my kids NOT to keep secrets or ever feel the need to lie because they mistakenly think they need to protect me. Lies don't protect you, and lies of omission are still lies. Had enough of the lies when the ex was here.
> 
> I understand the desire to decrease the drama, but keep the kids out of it.


Thank you. I appreciate this. I think part of my issue is feeling a bit betrayed by my kids. i.e. "why would you tell dad that? how did that even come up in conversation??"


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

They aren't betraying you. 
They are relating events in their lives, in their home, to a parent. That should be a good thing, unless you honestly think there is some parental alienation going on.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> They aren't betraying you.
> They are relating events in their lives, in their home, to a parent. That should be a good thing, unless you honestly think there is some parental alienation going on.


Oh there definitely is. I've seen it with my own eyes (texts from my ex to my daughter I saw on her phone).


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I should clarify, there's a ATTEMPT at parental alienation. Even though he taunts me and alludes to the fact the kids hate me and prefer him, it's not true and his alienation efforts have not been successful. Unless his goal is to make the kids feel in the middle....then he's a smashing success.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'd ask @EnjoliWoman for some guidance. She dealt with parental alienation with her narcissistic ex and it was a long nasty battle to regain her relationship with her daughter-but she did.

Any chance you can drag him back to court to squelch the bad mouthing or inappropriate communication? Force counseling?


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

When the kids dad was in their life the kids would talk about me, I know they did. It never bothered me and as much as I want to tell them not to, like Pluto I refuse to do that to my kids.
He tries to play the kids against me saying stuff like "I wanted to take you somewhere really cool but your mum said no" where in reality it's just more complicated than me just saying no. I won't lie to my kids like that, I simply explain to them the situation and tell them straight.
Like Pluto again, my child support is touch and go. So yes I hate that he can live the high life while I'm struggling. It's been months and months since I last got money from him and I'm feeling it badly at the moment with christmas just around the corner.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Cleigh said:


> When the kids dad was in their life the kids would talk about me, I know they did. It never bothered me and as much as I want to tell them not to, like Pluto I refuse to do that to my kids.
> He tries to play the kids against me saying stuff like "I wanted to take you somewhere really cool but your mum said no" where in reality it's just more complicated than me just saying no. I won't lie to my kids like that, I simply explain to them the situation and tell them straight.
> Like Pluto again, my child support is touch and go. So yes I hate that he can live the high life while I'm struggling. It's been months and months since I last got money from him and I'm feeling it badly at the moment with christmas just around the corner.


It [email protected], doesn't it. My ex keeps his arrears just below the felony level. Why in the world did I think he was parent material all those years ago? I can say live and learn, and I have. But what he's done to our kids-unforgivable. 

STR, I would definitely read up on parental alienation. Even if its not currently happening, it will give you the ammunition to address any of his slimy tactics with the kids. Are they speaking to a school counselor?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I know my ex did. I expect BOTH parents to have a lower standard of living than they did together. I also expect both to keep working and earning as much - my ex did not. And he would complain to our daughter about it, including the two vacations I took - one four of us gals shared a hotel room in Vegas - the whole trip cost me only $500. The other was when my BFF's father had a Navy reunion in Louisiana so he paid for the gas, we kept him company. He stayed at the hotel where the reunion was and we went to a mutual friend's house outside of New Orleans and stayed. So it only cost a few meals out and a little extra gas. Somehow that turned into my living high on the hog while he suffered. All other vacations were with my daughter and on a budget, usually involving a free place to stay.

Meanwhile he's taking her out of town over Christmas break and paying for a hotel at the beach for several days and going back with his girlfriend for New Years. I can't afford to do that. 
@Cleigh, check out my story linked in my sig line and if you have questions, feel free to post or PM me. I really recommend a counselor who can help you answer questions and explain things in an age appropriate way to the kids. I also recommend reading Divorce Poison by Dr. Warshack. There are some things that are OK to tell your kids that aren't bashing or bad-mouthing but just simple truths. I really struggled with what to tell her and how much to defend myself. I took the high road for a long time - too long - because she began to believe him since I wasn't standing up for myself.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> It [email protected], doesn't it. My ex keeps his arrears just below the felony level. Why in the world did I think he was parent material all those years ago? I can say live and learn, and I have. But what he's done to our kids-unforgivable.
> 
> STR, I would definitely read up on parental alienation. Even if its not currently happening, it will give you the ammunition to address any of his slimy tactics with the kids. Are they speaking to a school counselor?


Their school doesn't really have a counselor. My daughter went to a counselor for a while in the spring, but she isn't anymore. Because of recent anxiety issues that I posted about in another thread, I'm trying to convince her to go back.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry that your Ex is once again causing you stress STR. I don't have kids but I was out over the weekend and had a conversation with a guy that made me went to vomit on him and it made me think of this thread. I've known this guy casually for a few years but our conversations were never very personal. I saw him out and we started talking, and he is/was cute so why not...Well he has two kids by two different women and he started talking about how much he gets "soaked" for child support. I just let him keep talking and I asked questions, and he seemed to feel like hiw "baby mamas" were living it up on the support he paid. Turns out he [email protected]$280 per MONTH for both kids!!! He was asking me if I could help him out with under the table work as a roadie. He specifically looks for off the books work to avoid paying more support and then gripes about not having very much money. He of course smokes cigarettes and pot...I wanted to take a shower when I walked away from him! Of course that gem of a man asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink sometime!!! Sure, sign me right up dreamboat lol.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> Sorry that your Ex is once again causing you stress STR. I don't have kids but I was out over the weekend and had a conversation with a guy that made me went to vomit on him and it made me think of this thread. I've known this guy casually for a few years but our conversations were never very personal. I saw him out and we started talking, and he is/was cute so why not...Well he has two kids by two different women and he started talking about how much he gets "soaked" for child support. I just let him keep talking and I asked questions, and he seemed to feel like hiw "baby mamas" were living it up on the support he paid. Turns out he [email protected]$280 per MONTH for both kids!!! He was asking me if I could help him out with under the table work as a roadie. He specifically looks for off the books work to avoid paying more support and then gripes about not having very much money. He of course smokes cigarettes and pot...I wanted to take a shower when I walked away from him! Of course that gem of a man asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink sometime!!! Sure, sign me right up dreamboat lol.


Haha!! He sounds like quite a catch! While my ex is insisting I tell him the amount my mother gifted me last year, he probably made over 20K in under the table money selling scrap from a huge job site he's on. Think he'll tell me how much he made???


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Haha!! He sounds like quite a catch! While my ex is insisting I tell him the amount my mother gifted me last year, he probably made over 20K in under the table money selling scrap from a huge job site he's on. Think he'll tell me how much he made???



Of course not! The rules do not apply to him. He should really stop rocking your boat, you could take him to court and he'd be paying you much more than he is now. He isn't too bright is he?

As for my "prince charming" he started on his child support rant because after he asked for roadie work he told me he can't get a passport because he is in arrears!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> For those who pay child support, do you feel your ex should have a lower standard of living than you do because you pay child support?


I make almost 7X what my XWW makes (she chose to not work full time so part of that she can change) and we have split custody so I pay child support. It's actually funny because while I decreased my standard of living below hers (I drive an older car, no cable, no eating out, etc.) she has maintained her standard (other than moving from our nice house to an apartment) by living off her divorce settlement. Her standard of living will drop too once she spends her proceeds and is broke, probably within the year. To answer your question I don't care how she lives as long as the kids are being taken care of. I tried giving her financial advice when we were getting divorced to help her preserve her standard of living and her assets but she didn't take it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm sorry you're going through this with your tool ex, STR.

I'm very fortunate in that my ex is honorable about supporting his son and not wishing anything in his son's lifestyle to have to change because he left us.

He makes more than 2X as much as I do - he is an airline captain. I'm an IT manager, so I do fine for myself. But if I had to worry about paying for our son's college or his medical and dental bills as well as continuing to run the house we live in and save for retirement on my salary alone, I'd have to start being a lot more frugal in some areas than I've had to be.

My ex never liked to throw money around, so he drives used cars (he insists on it) and buys in some cases second-hand furniture and appliances. Not because he has to - he just has always been - let's just say - fiscally conservative. So his lifestyle hasn't changed at all from the frugal, living-beneath-his-means one he's always maintained. I see he still belongs to his tennis club and gym and enjoys those, and he still goes to his two favorite restaurants in town that are moderately priced (he sometimes takes our son), so I don't think he's hurting for money. He pays the maximum child support required by the state and alimony based on the formula worked out by the courts considering the disparity between our salaries. He does this by direct deposit, as stated in our settlement. He has never given me any attitude about it. So I guess in all my ranting about him and his GF here, I should count my blessings that he at least isn't an azzhat about the money.

Like others have said here, STR, I think you really need to get the court involved. Was this the agreement in your original divorce settlement? Wouldn't whatever the agreement on child support in that one still stand, here? If that's the agreement, I would think there is a way to challenge/contest it. I know that's a PITA, but he doesn't leave you much recourse.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Like others have said here, STR, I think you really need to get the court involved. Was this the agreement in your original divorce settlement? Wouldn't whatever the agreement on child support in that one still stand, here? If that's the agreement, I would think there is a way to challenge/contest it. I know that's a PITA, but he doesn't leave you much recourse.


No, this was not the agreement in the original divorce settlement. Back then, I was making much less money than I am now (I worked for a non-profit) and I had 60% custody. Yet still, I agreed to a lesser amount then the 100%. When we split this time around, we came up with our own addendum to that and both signed it, which my attorney said was sufficient and would hold up in court. (My ex thinks I made all this up and never saw an attorney.)


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