# Still not well. My hair is falling out!



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I feel under so much stress. I get so sick and tired of hearing about my husband's financial problems because he does not have my paycheck. He tells me that he is frustrated because he is not used to bouncing checks. It makes me feel guilty or something. Why should his financial troubles be my problem? Just being around him makes me feel stressed out. I keep getting sick and my hair is falling out in extremely generous amounts. Doctor says its either low iron, thyroidism or severe stress. I take multivitamins everyday and do not fluctuate in weight. I stay between 115 and 120 lbs. I am pretty f*****g sure it is stress! 

How do I become that strong person again? I wish I could twinkle my nose and make all of this blow over!


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What on earth is preventing you from cutting off contact, at least for a while? I'm pretty sure that's the message you got last time you posted--no one in your family wants you to see him, and from what you have said, no one here thinks you should either. 

You will not become that strong person while you remain under his influence. You have internalized too many of his messages and to exorcise those messages, you need time away, completely away. You will know you are on the road to real recovery when you realize you never want to see him again, and you blush in shame that you let yourself be so used, so misled. Then, get over it (any shame you might feel), b/c no one is judging you--everyone just wants you to be happy, really happy--not caught up in this vicious and abusive cycle. Good luck.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> But, he has been going to counseling, which is exactly why I have agreed to begin seeing him again. He has been going to counseling since immediately after I left him. He wanted me to see the changes that he has made.


Crisis~
Can you please itemize for me the changes he has made? Because just based on what you've described here's what I see:
-He twists people's words 
-He's manipulating you with lies and contradictions
-He is trying to get you to be mad at those who are helping you
-He's trying to separate you from your family
-He's more and more and more trying to force you back home
-He's more and more and more demanding all your time every weekend
-He's trying to make you do it his way with guilt
-He's trying to force you to have sex before you're ready
-He's trying to control your decisions
-He's trying to get your finances
-He's complaining about how you treat him (when you two are SEPARATED)

To me, those behaviors still sound VERY MUCH like an abuser, and unless he has specifically gone to counseling to face and deal with his abusive ways of treating you, then he will continue to be abusive. Furthermore, even if he did specifically go to counseling for his abuse, he surely is not demonstrating non-abusive, respectful treatment to you. Sooooo...exactly what has the counseling done? 



> ... I feel as though I am quickly giving up all control I have over my own life, out of guilt for how sad he feels. ...However, because he has kept such tabs on me and constantly asked me about every detail of my life throughout our separation, I never felt comfortable enough to attempt to move forward. At times, I feel as though I have never been away from him.


In this quote you yourself say that you are giving up the control of your own life, that he is trying to guilt you into giving him back control of you, and that he keeps tabs on you and knows EVERY DETAIL of your life. You say: _"I never felt comfortable enough to attempt to move forward."_ Crisis, you are a smart, intelligent, capable woman. I know that in your head (if not in your heart) you know that this is not a healthy way to live. While I am married to my Dear Hubby, he does not keep tabs on me, pressure me to have sex I don't want, give me guilt, or try to manipulate me--and I can definitely say that he makes me feel at ease and safe in moving forward. You are not even WITH your husband and he doesn't make you feel comfortable. 



> I have worked very hard to make certain that he has no control over me. I still have never had 100% control over my own life, as he never left me alone during our separation. I wanted desperately to get over him and begin dating immediately. I felt as though I had spent over 10 wasted years with my husband and did not want to waste another moment of my life.


So in this quote you pretty clearly state what you would like. It is YOUR wish and desire that he release control of you...to YOU. You want to be able to make up your own mind, make your own decisions, have them respected and honored. Now, do your brother and sister do that? Does your family do that? Okay they may be a little frustrated with your decisions right now but do they allow you to do what you want and not ridicule you for wanting control of your own self and life and finances and time? Do I do that? Do I give you any grief whatsoever if you want to take the weekend away from this forum so you can think? How about if you want to use your money in the way you think is best? Do I give you guilt, tell you I'm sad, or mention that now I have to bounce checks because you won't give me your money? NO!!! Because your money is yours and I always have the choice to not write the bad check, don't I? I am responsible for my money choices and it is unreasonable for me to "depend on" your money when it's not mine. 

So Crisis, do you see how he is still--to this day--trying to control you, manipulate you, use you, guilt you, and do things HIS way? None of this involves what you want or in any way honors that. If he were respecting your wishes it would be like this: 

"Crisis, I hear what you're saying ,and honestly I disagree that a separation is the best way to handle this. But you are responsible for yourself and your choices and if you decide this is what you need I'll respect that. I would like to ask that I pay the mortgage and utilities, but that you still chip in for the loan we agreed to take and which you used to purchase your car. What do you think? Does that seem fair to you? And if you wouldn't mind I do love you and miss you--would you mind if I call you now and then and ask you out on a date? Maybe once or twice a week? Let's see if we can find a frequency that works for both of us." 

Can you hear the difference? The way your husband does it is a demand and manipulation to get things HIS way--he completely disregards you, what you want, and what you wish. The example is a request, and works mutually between the two to work on something both can EQUALLY agree on! 



> I feel under so much stress. I get so sick and tired of hearing about my husband's financial problems because he does not have my paycheck. He tells me that he is frustrated because he is not used to bouncing checks. It makes me feel guilty or something. Why should his financial troubles be my problem? Just being around him makes me feel stressed out.


Actually, his financial trouble are NOT your problem! Can you complain to him because you do not have HIS paycheck? Do you get frustrated and bounce checks because you don't have HIS money? It's not your concern that he is being irresponsible financially. 



> How do I become that strong person again? I wish I could twinkle my nose and make all of this blow over!


Here is my thought. Speak to your brother or sister (I can't remember which one is the in-law) whom your living with, and tell them you want to COMPLETELY break away from your husband, but you don't know how to do it by yourself. Then change your cell phone number, your email address, EVERYTHING...and tell him you want no further contact with him at this time. If he wants to contact you, it can be through sister/brother, and he would give them a message and they would act as an intermediary. If his message is ranting and raving they don't even need to pass that along, but they can be witnesses of his behavior. If his message is a respectful request, they can use their good judgment and pass it along. 

Let's see exactly how much he has (or has not) changed. Trust their honesty a little and let them help you. And in the meantime YOU work on YOU. The biggest problem you will face is that right now you are somewhat addicted to him. So again I would point you to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse pages and ask you to start reading and doing what she suggests. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE do you call him or email or chat or IM or text or in any way contact as long as you are getting over the withdrawal and addiction of the drama and abuse. 

THAT is how you get the strong woman back (and your hair back).


----------



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Affaircare,

I want to thank you. You have taken the time to follow the events that have been unfolding in my life since I began writing them on this forum. It means a lot more than you know. I feel like you are a friend that I can spill the beans to, no matter how crazy I feel at times. You always seem to find the sanity in me. 

I am lost again. You are so right. My sister tells me that I am afraid to confront the consequences of any decision I think of making. It's the unknown future. I can't take it when I hurt my husband or when he is angry at me. It kills me. The stress is unbearable. So much so that in the past, I used to pray a truck would hit me on my way home from work. God spared me by not answering that prayer. I do so fear regretting losing him for the rest of my life. Will I ever love again. Will I ever stop loving him. He does have his good points you know. Will I be completely miserable if I go back to him?

One of my best friends tells me that I just need to make a decision. She says that if I decide to give him another chance, then I have to let go of everything he has ever done to me and truly dive in head first. I am just not sure that I can let go of all that he has done to me. HOW COULD HE DO THOSE THINGS TO ME? I was better than that, and I do know that I did not deserve it. Now, I am messed up in the head. He messed me up. 

I do see some changes that he has made. He typed them up in a list for me last night after I asked him what he thought he had achieved. He really is trying, but I think that I have a real problem accepting his kindness at times. His kindness almost makes me angry. I am very skeptical. I think I should be. While, I never went to work with a black eye, the bruises were under my clothes, inside my heart, inside my head. They are stuck there now. I am seeing a therapist myself again. I worry about the fact that my husband and I are seeing the same therapist. In some ways it could be good, but could also be bad.

It doesn't seem to matter how nice he appears to be to me now. I just can't seem to accept being treated nicely by him. It seems fake, or like I will have to pay consequences for accepting his good treatment later on down the road. 

My sister says I am addicted to him, and that I am afraid to be alone. 

My husband does now say that it is okay for me to have my space, but when I see him after a day or two he considers himself having been punished by me. This places guilt and hurt for him in my heart. Then, I wind up spending the evening with him so that he can feel better. 

Am I stringing him along? I don't want to. I am afraid to make a move at this time.

He already told me that he wants me to quit my night job as a bartender. He does not like the fact that I work in a bar. I told him I understand, but I really don't. I was simply afraid of the fight. The truth of the matter is that I feel that I need it to keep me busy at night sometimes, especially on the weekends when everybody else is off doing their own thing and I am alone. I told him I understand, giving the impression that I would not bartend, but I don't want to stop just because he wants me to. I want to do things because I want to do them. I want my decisions to be my own. 

I still don't beleive that he wants a baby. I think he thinks he does, because he knows how denying me a child hurt me so badly. I think he wants to believe he is a good husband. He even told me about two months ago that he was a good husband, while were out to dinner. I began crying and walked out mid-meal. He told me that he did not mean that he did not do bad things to hurt me, but that his therapist told him that he needed to see the good in himself, and pride himself for the good that he did do as a husband. He was in fact, a good provider and investor for our future (his future, I felt like I was just along for the ride, as I was always to scared to reveal my own opinions).

I think my husband hurt me too badly to return to him. I don't think it will matter how much he changes. I have too many walls up to guard myself. The damage is done and I need to work on repairing my wounds. I am wounded. He hurt me so badly. I just want to be well again.

I am finally beginning to cry here and there during my alone time. It feels good.

I am trying to get to a place where what he thinks of me doesn't matter. I want to be able to just be happy with myself. I am working on accepting myself. I don't want to need his acceptance or approval. I don't want to need anyone's acceptance or approval. I just want to be happy. 

Again, thank you, AffairCare. 

Thank all of you for supporting me during what appears to be the most painful time in my life. Your help is invaluable.


----------

