# 1 Month post D-Day



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

My wife of 9 years had a 3 year affair with a coworker that she often travelled with. I have posted the full story before.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/39374-here-i-go.html 

We are in MC, have been for years, but it has been helpful. I am getting counseling on my own as well- as is she.

I have "decided" to go the R route- or at least try. Despite the length of the affair, she has done just about everything in the past month to show she is remorseful and taking responsibility. I outed her to her family immediately, based upon advice on this forum and that has helped quite a bit.

She is of course dealing with her own issues, but I am focused on me and the kids first- letting her deal with the guilt on her own. I go from anger- to numb to avoidance and back.

As I mentioned, she is working hard to do all of the behavioral changes I have requested. She wrote the NC, and has opened up herself digitally. The reality is though, if she wanted to communicate with him, I can't stop her. I have made it clear that she is free to contact him, but doing so will immediately result in D. No tolerance. but if she went underground, it would be hard for me to catch her.

She has agreed to a post-nuptual agreement (we have yet to get formally drawn up) in which if she is caught cheating again, I get everything - kids, all assets, house, etc. She seems serious about R and seems to be working to understand the depth of the wound she has inflicted.

So it all seems to be going ok......

But it will always be there. Am I living a lie now? Is R really attainable? Especially after such a long affair? I am not catering to her in any way, in fact I am working many of the 180 ideas in, but still am I being a doormat? How do you balance R with the feeling of letting the WS get away with it.

What does forgiveness look like?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

slater said:


> What does forgiveness look like?


What is forgiveness?

For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.

But to others, myself included, forgiveness means to accept - not condone - that what was done cannot be undone and to make peace with it, NOT for the benefit of the offender but for the benefit of the offended. This type of forgiveness does not remove the consequences that would befall the offender.

People who subscribe to the former definition of forgiveness are unable to achieve it because it is an emotionally daunting task. It is also dependent on the offender showing true remorse to the offended for his/her transgression(s) which may or may not be present or ever will be.

But those of us who subscribe to the latter definition, forgiveness is an acknowledgement that no matter what the outcome of the situation with the offender is, that in order for us to move on with our lives is to *make the decision that anger and bitterness are the toxic twins that will forever follow us and poison our lives IF we consciously allow them to. Here, forgiveness is a conscious choice for the benefit of the offended, not the offender.*

I divorced my wife not because I could not forgive her for her affair nor because I no longer loved her, but because at the time it was necessary for me to do so in order to emotionally and psychologically heal myself. And yes, I did forgive her because I subscribe to the latter definition of forgiveness.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Forgiveness looks like one bad @ss guy who will not take any crap any more. Who will not rub other poeples mistake back in their face. Putting the gun away if you will. Knowing that what the betrayed did to them selves will be carried with them for the rest of there live, what they did to me and you is sh!tty, but we are better then that...we are the rightous there for with our strentgh they can learn from us to be better then they once were................................................enless you cheated on her too then forget what I just wrote, then you are just forgiving out of guilt.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

so will the feelings of being a pushover subside? Am I letting her off? I understand that forgiveness is as much if not more for me. Just unsure if I am doing the right thing...for me?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i just don't see how you take her back after a 3 year hiatus from your marriage.

to each their own, though.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she is still working and traveling then she is letting her self off to easy and I don't think theres much remorse.


Forgiveness is all fine an dandy, remorse is what she needs to prevent this from happening again.


After 13 year hiatus my wife took, it wasn't so much my forgiveness as much as it was her remorse and doing the things that generated forgiveness from me.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

^13 years?

that was no hiatus. that show was cancelled and came back as a reboot on a different network.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

13 years, 20 OM, She was a real sl0t, no matter how hard I tried to beat it out of her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

back in Aug. '10 "guy with the cheating wife" that my story...

It'd attach it some how but I can bearly spell. LOL


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

_"13 years, 20 OM, She was a real sl0t, no matter how hard I tried to beat it out of her."_

you gotta be f*cking kidding me, right?

tell me that's a typo.... it's really 2, right?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No, Not kidding,I used to push my wife around, b oth mentaly and phsicaly. It took some serious work for the both of us to get our head screwed on striaght.

check my post it has a time line

s-
BTW sorry for the thread jack


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why is that she wants to be with you now? What are her reasons to be with you? Kids? Financial stability? Shame? Find out if she is staying for the right reasons


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## MOMMY2ONE (Mar 6, 2012)

She asked for forgiveness because she got caught , three years is a long time how old are the children? She sounds like my h he tells me sorry but doesn't seem remorseful . Just focus on ur children and get your head together , cause I do know it's very hard to stay focus believe me I know im jus focusing on my baby and myself ...good luck stay strong and positive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

3 freakin' years?!?!

Dude for a 1/3 of your marriage your wife was getting screwed by another man while you were begging her for affection. Like the user above me said, she only wants reconciliation because she got caught, she's not a "moral" person as you put it.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You forgiven her 3 yrs affair in one month and wanted to R!!!!!!!

She got an amnesia on her Fbuddy, so she was able to stop everything by pressing a switch, then why didnt she done this earlier? Why she wanted to do that now?

Did you done the paternity test for the last one? Is the time line of 3yrs accurate,Is this 3yrs time line another lie to hide the paternity?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey slater---you can forgive, if you wish, and that is what is in you----what will NOT happen, is that you probably will NEVER FORGET.

What boundaries, have you placed on her, what ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES does she know will be applied

If you do a Post--Nup---make sure there is a DURESS clause---otherwise it is basically unenforceable in court---and get it notarized.

Now comes the after life---living with this woman who for 3 yrs came home to you looked you right in the eyes, and said everything was fine-----even as she planned, manipulated, decieved, and lied.

What is being done about her continued travelling for work, where she is free to do as she pleases, and you will never know.

Please do not tell me, that she will be checking in by phone---that is the biggest myth, there is going in the infidelity world---so she checks in so what---THAT DOESN'T MEAN HER LOVER IS NOT STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HER READY TO DO WHATEVER, AS SOON AS SHE IS DONE WITH THE CHECKING IN PHONE CALL.

If she continues on the road, you would have to take everything she says/does on faith, and I certainly do not know how there could be any faith/trust left in you.

If you are to R, this mge., she basically has to quit her travelling, and if her lover is working where she works, she has to quit her job.

But still no matter what, you must deal with your sub-conscious which becomes YOUR BATTLEGROUND---conscious vs. sub-conscious, and the visions, while you drive alone to and from where ever, and at your workplace, or at 3 a m when you awake, ready to explode------it will not be easy


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_Am I living a lie now? Is R really attainable? Especially after such a long affair? I am not catering to her in any way, in fact I am working many of the 180 ideas in, but still am I being a doormat? How do you balance R with the feeling of letting the WS get away with it.

What does forgiveness look like? 

so will the feelings of being a pushover subside? Am I letting her off? I understand that forgiveness is as much if not more for me. Just unsure if I am doing the right thing...for me? _

Not enough time has passed for you to know the answers to these questions. As time passes, the answers to your questions should be clearer. You should start to feel either you can or you can't get past it. Right now, you are still living in limbo. You have decided to try to reconcile, but it is way too soon to know if you will be able to get past your feelings and actually reconcile. Keep on trying while you get the post-nup in place.

I think your wife's attitude will have a lot to do with whether you will be able to get past this. I think the more she expresses remorse, bombs you with love, affection, sex, and sincerely tells you what a big mistake she made and what a fool she was, the more you will be able to forgive her and reconcile. Her enthusiasm for your marriage, the feeling that she is a lot more into you than you are into her, at least for the next several months, would probably help you a lot. Also, as time passes, her actions should rebuild trust. She should be enthusiastically trying to "win you back" with her actions rather than just going through the motions. 

You say that she neglected you sexually and spiritually for the three years while she was in the affair. She didn't end the affair even though she knew you were suspicious. She wasn't too afraid of losing you, not afraid enough to give up the affair. But now that she's caught she's willing to stop. Maybe your catching her came at a good time for her. If she's giving it up this easily, she probably was ready to quit it anyway. She was in effect married to the OM while she was living with you. Three years is a long time. The "infatuation" feeling of being "in love" usually fades by three years into a relationship.

Give yourself time. See how she acts. See how you feel. The answers should come clearer with time.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think that as time passes, some of the realities of the situation might hit you like a ton of bricks, and you'll start thinking that it is impossible for her to be feeling true remorse so quickly. Her response when these doubts come up will be the real vehicle for your forgiveness.

You were married for 9 years. For the last 3 years, she was virtually developing a whole new identity based on really powerful feelings for another man, and you have to realize that any great sex with you was inspired by guilt or her sexual excitement of carrying on two deep relationships. Three years, and such an emotional state becomes pretty much fixed. She began to completely differentiate your relationship and the one with the other man. She became very adept at living a lie. Yet the two of you ended that mature relationship with the other half of her life almost overnight. It is hard to believe that she could simply become ambivalent over such a long term relationship almost overnight. Not so much the feelings for the OM, but the fact that her sexual life had become incredibly dynamic, and now it has become ... well ... normal. Obviously, she knows that you need her to be happy in a single relationship, and she wants it, but it has been over three years since she has known what that was like. It might take time.

The real true test of putting it past you, I believe, is a month or two after the intensity of your this rapid reconciliation begins to fade. When you start sensing that she just doesn't know how to cope with this construct anymore. Her guilt over getting caught won't be driving her so much anymore, so you will see what her true remorse looks like. I think that this is when your healing will really begin if you continue to be successful in putting it past you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

slater said:


> so will the feelings of being a pushover subside? Am I letting her off? I understand that forgiveness is as much if not more for me. Just unsure if I am doing the right thing...for me?


Only if she does not undestand or appreciate the gift you have given her. Forgiveness in a marriage also has to go hand in hand with grace. It is a pardoning of a crime done to you, but grace is the open giving of a blessing or benefit to a person who has done nothing to deserve it. You have offered your wife grace, but if you do not make clear to her that this is a one-timer, non-redeemable gift from you .... a mulligan so to speak, then she is getting off scott free and is most likely doomed to repeat her crime. 

If I were in your shoes, no way I would take her back after three years of constant infidelity. She stole three years from your life, time that could have been spent moving forward with your dreams and meeting someone who would likely be more trustworthy. She's not just an adulteress, shes a thief... a dirty, rotten no account thief, and she needs to spend the rest of your marriage making up for it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

One reason I think she may be truly remorseful is the fact the affair had probably ran its course. Only one out of ten affairs goes longer that two years. She has probably come out of the affair fog before she was caught and is relieved it is over. The affair ws probaly only continuing out os sheer momentum. I expect the guilt and remorse has been there eating at her a long time for what she was doing to her family.

I assume your main goal is to keep your family together. A good reconciliation is very possible. Look up the eightyearscheating and almostrecovered threads. 

I will post the wayward spouse instructions for you to print off and study with your wife. Sorry its a bit long but the feedback from it is very positive. I wish I could credit whoever came up with this but I haven't been able to find the original.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Forgiveness for me is not holding past mistakes against someone, refusing to allow bitterness, anger, and hate to consume you. Reconciliation and forgiveness are two different things though.

I think forgiveness is important in any affair situation. For example, if your wife told you to screw off and she wants to keep seeing the OM and divorce you, I still think it's important to forgive them. That doesn't mean you accept the behavior, or that you want to be in a relationship with them. It just means you accept what happened, and you refuse to be angry or bitter about it. You move on without feeling the need to "stick it to 'em".

In a reconciliation, you make the decision that you still want to be married. More importantly, your spouse shows the attitude and actions that they are truly remorseful for those actions. In these cases, forgiveness is crucial. It does not mean you forget what happened. It does not mean you can not discuss what happened, or how it makes you feel. It doesn't mean you put that person in a position to hurt you the same way again. You can forgive someone for stabbing you in the back, but you don't let them behind you with a knife again.

Take the comments on this board with a grain of salt. Many people have been hurt by infidelity, a lot of them did not have remorseful spouses, and many people in general do not have the capability to forgive.

Read up on true remorse. If she is showing you the signs that she is truly remorseful, and she has committed to doing the things that you need to heal, and that you both are willing to commit 100% to the marriage, communicating, and meeting each other's needs, then feel good about it.

There are thousands of stories of people who have reconciled, some from worse situations than yours, who have happier and stronger marriages from this. Many things of your marriage will be different, but if you can get through this, in so many ways it will be stronger and better. I know it has been true in my marriage. Wish you the best of luck!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Slater,

So you made a month... Are you just about right here?

It's been 2 1/2 years for me. I still remember 1 month out as clear as yesterday. The realization that years of my life were nothing but lies and betrayal. How could a person come home in the afternoon and sit down and lie about work or whatever, when she had been f---ing some guy in a hotel all day. All without the slightest hint of guilt or emotion. Who is this person pretending to be my wife?

Now that she is caught... She is nothing but emotion, professing her love, willing to do anything to preserve the very marriage that she willingly, premeditatedly had ZERO regard for years on end. If it so important to reclaim now, where were you last year, the year before, why could you at least just stop the affair? 

It just DOESN'T ADD UP. In fact for the remainder of your life with or without her you will never... figure it out, rationalize it's meaning, understand the betrayal. 

So you made a month, hold on brother, the ride is mighty bumpy.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She was screwing this guy behind your back for 3 years putting your health at risk for STD's. If she had not been caught she would still be cheating on you. One third of your marriage has been a giant lie. She is very sad that she got caught. If the roles were reversed she probably would have got a lawyer immediately. 

I think in the bottom of her mind she could do this for 3 years because she thought if she ever got caught you would end up forgiving her anyway since she had nothing to lose. She thought that only a fool would forgive her but I guess she knows very well. I feel very sad for you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

bryanp said:


> She was screwing this guy behind your back for 3 years putting your health at risk for STD's. If she had not been caught she would still be cheating on you. One third of your marriage has been a giant lie. She is very sad that she got caught. If the roles were reversed she probably would have got a lawyer immediately.
> 
> I think in the bottom of her mind she could do this for 3 years because she thought if she ever got caught you would end up forgiving her anyway since she had nothing to lose. She thought that only a fool would forgive her but I guess she knows very well. I feel very sad for you.


I know there's many comments that take this line, so I'll just respond to all of them in one go.

How can you, across the internet, with the facts presented from his posts, possibly make this call? How could you know if she's truly remorseful or just sad she got caught? He's saying his wife exhibits the signs of true remorse, do you have any direct evidence to the contrary?

In the last paragraph you claim to be able to read minds.

It reeks of bitterness when you make a statement that someone can't be truly remorseful for a mistake, that the only logical conclusion is they're just sorry they got caught. News flash, people do dumb stupid sh*t all the time. Can you think of a few stupid things you've done in your life, where you kept going down the rabbit hole even though at any point you could have stopped and come clean? It's really easy when you're living a lie, to keep making stupid decisions. Who cares, why they did it, the true test is if she's got the right attitude and doing the right actions NOW.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

RWB said:


> Slater,
> 
> So you made a month... Are you just about right here?
> 
> ...


RWB, your post worries me man. You're trying to find out why your wife made a stupid mistake and what her rationale was. You'll look forever and won't find it. She made a MISTAKE. She screwed up. Trying to rationalize living a lie won't happen, because there is no rational explanation for it.

Why did Mark Sanford give up his entire life for a girl from Chile? Why do meth addicts sell their wedding rings for another hit? Why do people go homeless from alcoholism when they could just stop drinking?

Trying to understand why someone in the middle of a bad situation would continue down the rabbit hole is an exercise in futility. At some point, you have to admit that it was dumb behavior, there's no excuse for it, and decide if you can live with the mistake or not. Ultimately more important as to why she did or didn't snap out of it in the middle of the affair, is what is she doing about it now? Is she blameshifting and downplaying her mistakes? Or is she owning up to them, and making sure it doesn't happen again?

There's women in ONS' who have an attitude that makes reconciliation impossible. There's women involved in 15 year affairs that are truly remorseful. The length of the affair and the decisions made during it are of little consequence.

Dealing with the pain of it is one thing, but if you can't get past the actual mistake after 2 and a half years, if you're still trying to understand the why behind it, maybe you should move on?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey CO----do not throw out the made a mistake crap-----a mistake is adding 2 plus 2, and getting 5---taking the wrong turnoff on the freeway---that is a mistake----To have an affair, there is deceit, planning, lying, manipulation---and there is a complete and total lack of respect for your spouse-----an affair is NEVER A MISTAKE----even a ONS, has some planning to it, some avoidance of knowledge that destruction is about to befall the mge.

Also who are you to judge people who come here with there opinions of what happened-----you wanna give your opinion fine, you base it on the fact pattern given---well others give their opinions based on the fact pattern given----

say what you want, about whatever situation you want---but do not come on here putting down other posters for their opinions


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

COguy said:


> RWB, your post worries me man. You're trying to find out why your wife made a stupid mistake and what her rationale was. You'll look forever and won't find it. She made a MISTAKE. She screwed up. Trying to rationalize living a lie won't happen, because there is no rational explanation for it.


RWB's wife had 3 affairs in 6 years of their 30+ marriage, that can hardly be called a 'mistake'.

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

slater said:


> As I mentioned, she is working hard to do all of the behavioral changes I have requested. She wrote the NC, and has opened up herself digitally. The reality is though, if she wanted to communicate with him, I can't stop her. I have made it clear that she is free to contact him, but doing so will immediately result in D. No tolerance. but if she went underground, it would be hard for me to catch her.
> 
> She has agreed to a post-nuptual agreement (we have yet to get formally drawn up) in which if she is caught cheating again, I get everything - kids, all assets, house, etc. She seems serious about R and seems to be working to understand the depth of the wound she has inflicted.
> 
> So it all seems to be going ok......


That seems to be a good job at laying down boundaries and consequences. HOWEVER

You're rushing into R right away after only being 1 month out from D-Day. You're still in the desparation stage, wait until you reach your ANGER stage. Don't make a decision to R until some months have passed and you have observed her actions. Its far too soon to tell. For me, I only decided to give my fWW a shot at R after 8 months, after she busted her ass doing the heavy lifting to save the marriage.

This was a *3 year affair = Long Term Affair (LTA). *It would have contined if you had not caught her. Its going to take a long period of withdrawal for her. I think the general formula is like 1 week of withdrawal for every month of the affair. During this period she's going to be very vulnerable to any fishing attempts from OM and she might do the fishing herself. From your other thread, it looks like OM tried fishing already and she bit right away. 

As for taking it underground? She *MUST* quit her job, there can be no ifs and buts about that. This is a freaking 3 year workplace LTA! She WILL take it underground if she continues working there, no doubt about it due to it being an LTA. Therefore, she must leave that job and find a different one, or else you will only be going into False R.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Also who are you to judge people who come here with there opinions of what happened-----you wanna give your opinion fine, you base it on the fact pattern given---well others give their opinions based on the fact pattern given----
> 
> say what you want, about whatever situation you want---but do not come on here putting down other posters for their opinions


I'm not judging anyone. Quite the contrary, I'm shining the light on other people's judgement of a person they can't possibly know. From what slater said, there's no indication of someone who is giving false R. If that's the question, then ask it, but just throwing out "Hey your wife still wants to bang other dudes and I feel sorry for you" is just personal bitterness and insecurity creeping out.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

cledus_snow said:


> i just don't see how you take her back after a 3 year hiatus from your marriage.
> 
> to each their own, though.


Mine was 3 months and my wife barely took me back. 3 Years, my wife would have told the OW to keep me.

Hopefully you both can work it out. BTW if she's still traveling with him on business............


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

morituri said:


> RWB's wife had 3 affairs in 6 years of their 30+ marriage, that can hardly be called a 'mistake'.
> 
> *Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.
> 
> *Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.


I think you're just arguing semantics. I'm not saying she dropped an egg on the floor. But the fact is, what she did was a screw up. No one is arguing that. She is not arguing that. But it's done. You can't go back and fix it. Trying to go back and do the detective work on the whys is inconsequential and futile.

At some point, you either have to accept that she screwed up, or not. Call it a mistake, or a screw up, or a bad choice, or being a huge selfish a**hole doesn't change that. You either have the capacity to accept that it happened, or you don't. Unless the person is not remorseful, there will never be a "good" explanation for why someone decides to cheat, so looking for that answer is pointless.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

The OM left the company last year- they had one liaison since then when they both were at the same conference. They no longer travel together and she is looking into a new job now with no travel.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

slater said:


> The OM left the company last year- they had one liaison since then when they both were at the same conference. They no longer travel together and she is looking into a new job now with no travel.


Good. Then you need to watch for fishing to ensure NC holds. Problem is you cant monitor her work email if she decides to go underground. Use the VAR and watch her behavior. If she startss complaining that you should simply get over it, then she's starting to rug sweep. It takes on average 2-5 years to recover. Heal on your own timeline.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should make a list of goals that you need to accomplish in the marriage and work towards those goals. Modifing the list as needed. The come up with when you want these thing done. For example where do you want to be on your list in three, six nine months etc. 

Your wife needs to know divorce is always an option.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

slater,

my response was nothing to due with justification or making a issue of what you have going on. All I was saying, I know what you are going through... emotions, reasoning, where you are and what you have in front. 

Good luck and prayers regardless of what you decide. You are not alone in your journey. That's all. 

RWB


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

COguy said:


> I think you're just arguing semantics. I'm not saying she dropped an egg on the floor. But the fact is, what she did was a screw up. No one is arguing that. She is not arguing that. But it's done. You can't go back and fix it. Trying to go back and do the detective work on the whys is inconsequential and futile.
> 
> At some point, you either have to accept that she screwed up, or not. Call it a mistake, or a screw up, or a bad choice, or being a huge selfish a**hole doesn't change that. You either have the capacity to accept that it happened, or you don't. Unless the person is not remorseful, there will never be a "good" explanation for why someone decides to cheat, so looking for that answer is pointless.


As far as moving on, yes I agree that acceptance of that which can't be undone must be acknowledged and accepted - not condoned. 

But there is a very wise saying *"Those who don't learn from the past are condemned to repeat it"* and finding out what caused her to have very weak boundaries is necessary if there is any hope for slater that his DW won't have another affair at a later date. Anything less is simply rug sweeping.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I'm not in to thread jumping, this is slater's thread... but 

COguy, All I was saying to slater is at a month in the feeling are very confusing and trying to "figure out" the reasoning is not very productive. Please re-read my comments from a 1 month perspective, not 2 and 1/2 years. If anything I have learned over the last couple of years is that opinions can differ. 

Stay strong Slater...


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you all for your comments and insight. I have made a list of low cost behaviors and high cost behaviors. The LC behaviors are thing she can do daily without much effort to show me she is committed to me and wants to rebuild our marriage. Ex are tell me she loves me, touching me, NC, etc. The HC behaviors are bigger like quit her job. She is working daily on all of them. I picked the behaviors, but the idea came from a book our MC has us reading. We are working to heal the trust and she is doing most of the work now. When I have healed more, we will work on what caused this in the first place. She is working on some of those issues on her own now as well.

RE the fishing, we have talked, but ultimately if they go underground, there is little I can do.
After 2 weeks, she showed signs of rug sweeping, she was ready to move to dealing with the causes etc, anxious to move on. Our MC and I helped her see just how much damage was done and that she needs to be much more patient. Since then she seems to be getting it. Hopefully we can stay focused, but obviously there are days I hate her.


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