# work harder on relationship with kids?



## gssteve (Mar 26, 2013)

Hi,

I know there is always a huge debate on staying together or at least fighting and trying harder for the sake of kids. There are also numerous studies done with kids in separated families vs families together. 

If there is no abuse, harassment, violence.. in your opinion or experience is it better for a parents to work harder to be together?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Always.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Staying together for the kids is, in my opinion, a bad idea. Just because they are kids doesn't mean they're numb, they know what's going on and often end up blaming themselves for their parent's unhappiness.

Trying harder and then some to work out problems in a marriage for the sake of the kids, in my opinion, is always the best option no matter how it turns out in the end.

My husband and I are lovers, friends and married to each other but we are also parents to the same child. While she isn't part of our marriage, she's the product of our love. How could we not try as hard as we can to save what brought her into this world?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's been my experience that nearly every 'problem' with a marriage can be solved if you just get the correct help for it. Most of us are woefully UNeduated on relationships, we try to wing it, and we end up hurting each other. For example, IMO EVERY couple should have to read His Needs Her Needs and Getting The Love You Want before they marry - you'd skip most every problem out there.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

gssteve said:


> Hi,
> 
> I know there is always a huge debate on staying together or at least fighting and trying harder for the sake of kids. There are also numerous studies done with kids in separated families vs families together.
> 
> *If there is no abuse, harassment, violence.. in your opinion or experience is it better for a parents to work harder to be together?*


I think the best is always to have a family stay together if the parents have a healthy relationship. 

However we do not live in fairytale land and it is both unrealistic and idealistic for people to say that unless there is "abuse, violence...... etc" that parents can fix the marriage and live happily ever after. 

My personal experience is that of a very amicable divorce so possible my thoughts are skewed but I thonk it is better for children to see 2 happy parents that are not together than 2 parents living together and being miserable.

My ex was show the *till death do us part, but live in misery* example and it did not serve him well. His parents were not in love but they stayed married till death because that is the pressure that society put on their generation. 

People will say just work harder at the marriage, this is often spoken beautifully by people that have not walked a mile in others shoes. They have no true depth of understanding of what a one way relationship is like. You cannot force another adult to work harder at a marriage. 2 people can work harder at it together and I hope in most of those cases that it means they stay together.

But if only 1 of the adults works at the marriage then one of 2 things will happen, either the marriage will end or the one that tries to work at it will live miserably ever after, sacrificing themselves and not having their needs met.

People assume that those that turn to divorce do it lightly, I challenge that assumption and from anecdotal evidence that just isn't the case. Often people try and try and try until they cannot keep going at this point the better thing to do is to move on.
If done in a civil and amicable way with the children's best interests kept to the fore then the children have every chance of coming through the other side intact and happy.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I think it is selfish to give up before you have tried everything. So many people just figure "oh well, we are incompatible." Well, you should have figured that out before you had kids!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

scatty said:


> I think it is selfish to give up before you have tried everything. So many people just figure "oh well, we are incompatible." Well, you should have figured that out before you had kids!


I have never met anyone IRL that just gave up without trying and many have tried long and hard.
I doubt people say "oh well we are incompatible" and just skip off and get divorced.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Holland said:


> *People assume that those that turn to divorce do it lightly, I challenge that assumption and from anecdotal evidence that just isn't the case. Often people try and try and try until they cannot keep going at this point the better thing to do is to move on.*


This!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

gssteve said:


> If there is no abuse, harassment, violence.. in your opinion or experience is it better for a parents to work harder to be together?


Given the above then YES parents should work extra hard to make their relationship work but a damaged relationship can only be repaired (IMHO) if both parties are prepared to work on it.

If only one partner can does all the work, makes all the sacrifices then they are only delaying the inevitable.

I think that the biggest reason for divorce is that people get involved in relationships / marriages too quickly without spending enough time working out if they are compatible BEFORE having kids together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are books to read, therapists to visit, workshops to attend, weekend marriage retreats to try, forums to get help from, church, friends to get support from...anyone who doesn't give their marriage at least another year - barring abuse or other outside factors - is not really trying.


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## gssteve (Mar 26, 2013)

i see everyone's valid points. My fiance and I were high school friends, then in college we dated and only together for 2/3 months before she got pregnant. We've been together for 2.5+ years now and shes at the point where she doesn't want to try.... no abuse or violence just arguments and disagreements. I'm doing all I can to try and make it work for our family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read His Needs Her Needs yet?


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

gssteve said:


> Hi,
> 
> I know there is always a huge debate on staying together or at least fighting and trying harder for the sake of kids. There are also numerous studies done with kids in separated families vs families together.
> 
> If there is no abuse, harassment, violence.. in your opinion or experience is it better for a parents to work harder to be together?


Absolutely. If the home /family is working well except maybe there is just no spark anymore then definitely stay for the kids. The pain of having a lackluster marriage is NOTHING compared to the pain of having hurt kids from divorce. There is also no guaranteeing you will be 'happy' on the other side of the fence. Had my x not been a destructive force in the life of my kids I would have definitely stayed.


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