# Sexless Marriage: Seeking Advice Please



## Mork&Que (Sep 10, 2012)

Hello, I came across this website and thought I would post my issue to see if I could get any advice as I am not sure what to do:

I am male, been married for 8 years and have 2 fantastic kids.

My wife and I met on the internet and fell in love. I love her to bits and I think she feels the same way. BUT am am not sure if I am "in" love with her.

We have been to marriage counsellors and we have put some strategies in place to keep things together. I don’t intent to divorce I just want things to get better.

We have the usual arguments. Money issues, etc. But we never take about sex. My wife cringes even when I use harsh sexual words as a joke.

a few years back, I very clearly remember her saying “I don’t think I could ever be intimate with you”. It has now been over 3 years since we have been intimate or have had any sexual contact. If it was not for porn, I think I would have cracked a lot sooner.

Anyway, for me the bottom line is we are good friends, goods parents but lousy husband wife.

Then I thought just this morning, that my wife may be gay, which in turn brought me to this website.

I don’t really think she is gay, but when I really gave it some thought he idea may fit.

Thinking back to some comments she has said in the past.

In Amsterdam last year, she said off the cuff, something to the effect that she would get me one of those prostitutes for my birthday.. we laughed as I said what and you will watch? 

Just last night when we watched Friends with benefits and at the end she said that girl was attractive with no mention Justine Timberlake. 

I may be grasping at straws here.

But at the end of the day, if I have to live in a sexless marriage for the sake of the kids I will, but do I have to?

Any advice?


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## Mork&Que (Sep 10, 2012)

WOW I am not the only one….

Why have I not found this forum earlier? Reading some of the posts and suggestions and advice from both male and female users has made me realize that other people are going through the same thing when it comes to sex in my marriage . 

NOW, I know I was not the only one with these problems, but to see it in print (I am finding) is very therapeutic, if that is possible.

It looks I now have a safe place to discuss my marriage issues and possibly get my marriage back on track.

Thanks in advance...


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes... you will find similar stories here but yours is in the extreme.
That's a really really long time to go without sex and loving. 

Your a patient man.

How long are you planning on waiting?

I hope you find some answers here you deserve more out of life/marriage than this..


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## Mork&Que (Sep 10, 2012)

Thanks for your support...

I never asked myself how long I would wait, until you posted your comment.

I tend to think about the consequences first. 

If I confront my wife about it she will clam up even more.

Jokingly, we both said if we wanted to cheat, break up first.

I know if I did even mention the idea of having a mutual break up and stay friends of sorts for the kids that she would be come vindictive and I would never see my kids again.

If I cheat I will lose my kids as well.

Much of the guys on this sight see it as a jail and I can empathise.

I have come to the conclusion that I may not have sex again if I want to stay married. 

If I don’t stay married I run the risk of losing my kids and my kids are more important that ever having sex.

To be honest I probably got myself into this situation, as I knew we were probably not sexually compatible. I enjoy sex, I enjoy giving& getting oral sex, I enjoy fun sex, spontaneous sex and making love. She like sex to make the baby and she tried giving me oral sex 7 years ago and hated it. 

I guess I am coming to the end of my tether, and am asking myself should I be complacent and just live with the fact that am in sexless marriage and resign to the fact I may never have sex again?

So to answer the question, how long am I considering to wait? ME being on this site and sharing this story is telling me not much longer.

Thank god for porn I guess.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Every time you use porn, rather then have sex, you are telling her that it's actually OK, it's acceptable.

What is a marriage, if not an emotional and sexual bond like no other? If you don't have the emotional and physical connection or are getting it somewhere else then you are just friends or room mates.

You married with the expectation of being faithful, how can people honestly say "I never want you to have sex with another, however I won't have sex with you either". 

I believe in faithfullness, but I also believe in meating each others needs (where reasonable) and putting in the necessary effort required to make marriages great in all areas.

That said, do you flirt, meet her emotional needs, are you romantic etc. Is she a nagger? If so why? Does she view you as a another child who needs directing and caretaking? You said she cringes at certain language? Do you know why? Do you know if she would hate it in the bedroom? Has she had her health checked out? Has she experienced any assault or sexual abuse?

I would insist on counselling and try and get to the bottom of all issues and see if you can work on them together. If she is unwilling then I would suggest making it perfectly clear that you cannot live this way. Let her know how awful the constant rejection is to you and what is doing to your marriage.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You are not alone; I am married to an extremely LD man. He too, cringes when the topic of sex comes up. It's as though he's never done it before, at times. Right now, we're in a really dry spell, and we both agree that the sex is boring. I have a book that has helped us in the past, by Marnia Robinson, Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. Much of it has helped as I said, however, with anything, take only what you need. It's great for re-establishing intimacy without sex, and in our experience, that alone led to some pretty amazing sex...


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## Mork&Que (Sep 10, 2012)

Thanks for the feed back.

We have been to a counsellor for about 7 sessions (2 years ago), but we only talked about the sex issue for a very short time.

I told my wife and the counsellor that I sometimes felt like a roommate and with kids, a daycares. Her quote recently (last week) to me one day “ your job would be to keep the kids from following me and stop them from falling out”

I told my wife and the counsellor the sexual routine we had EVERY single time we had sex (minus the time we tried to have a baby) of course: (now she is on the pill and we use a condom)

I would initiate the sex. Soft kisses etc
I would touch her 10 - 15 min
She would touch me 5 – 10 min
I would be on top 5 – 10 minutes, pull out and then she would finish try and finish me off with her hand but she would say her hand would get tied so I would finish my self off.
Then I would give her oral sex until she reached orgasm.

In counselling my wife had no comment.

The theory of transactional analysis was discussed and I truly believe it is the issue for our marriage. 

It is a communication theory stating that when we communicate we are in one of 3 categories Adult, Parent and Kids.

With out going into it, I truly believe this is the main issue of our relationship communication.

I was labelled a “Fixer” by the counsellor. 

Whenever my wife wanted anything or any issues came up I tried fix it.

I would like to think I am romantic, Saved up a year £ here £ there to surprise her with the newest iPad. Made up some relationship coupons (free breakfast in bed, free neck massage, etc) I take every opportunity to say she look good, etc. 

Anyway, that is more back ground to my situation

I am seriously appreciating the advice and feedback


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## Mork&Que (Sep 10, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> You are not alone; I am married to an extremely LD man. He too, cringes when the topic of sex comes up. It's as though he's never done it before, at times. Right now, we're in a really dry spell, and we both agree that the sex is boring. I have a book that has helped us in the past, by Marnia Robinson, Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. Much of it has helped as I said, however, with anything, take only what you need. It's great for re-establishing intimacy without sex, and in our experience, that alone led to some pretty amazing sex...


Great I will have a look, I know she is reading some books on the sly because I was asked (by my wife) to download some books on her iPad via kindle app and I saw a book titled I think (will I have sex with my husband again?) So I know it is in her subconscious.

Anything will help at this point...

Many Thanks


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

The focus is not on goal orriented sex, if that makes any sense...ie, the means to an end (orgasm). Once the pressure is off, it allows the couple to relax and just be close. There are a lot of exercises and cues to use both in bed, and out that help build intimacy. I'm about to start up again with my husband, but I have to be very careful, as I don't want him to feel as though I'm pushing or pressuring.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I can let you know my progress ;-)


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## Mork&Que (Sep 10, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I can let you know my progress ;-)


That would be great....


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No sex in three years? The times when you actually convinced her to have sex, she got taken care of but found excuses to not take care of you. Lovely. You "love her to pieces" and you "think" she loves you. What does she do that gives you the impression that she loves you? If it were a felony to be a loving wife, what evidence could someone use to convict her?


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## Mork&Que (Sep 10, 2012)

LOL

Well she tells me she loves me.

She cares for me when I am ill. (took care of me with a kidney stone went through my kidney)

But your probably right she hasn’t shown me she loves me in a very long time.

As I said earlier we tend to be good friends, good parents and crap husband and wife.

Telling me she loves me and taking care of me would be in the good friend category, I think.

I get the feeling she loves me but not in love with me. 

As for convincing her to have sex, my recollection of the last time we did it on Sept 21st 2009. (I know this because I came home from a 3 day trip.) I never convinced her is just started with touching hands, stroking hair, soft kisses, then we just fell into our routine. 

I be honest I don’t want to have to convince her to have sex, she should want to and enjoy it as much as I. I guess that is what I am waiting for.

But with that being said, I didn’t really like the sex routine we had. 

As I said I like fun sex, sensual sex, spontaneous sex, etc.

For the last 8 years we have only had sex in a bed. 

So thinking about it and writing these posts, do I want sex with her. If not what do I do?


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## Josselyn (Sep 10, 2012)

First let me say I am sorry you are gong through this. I am gong through a "sexless" mariiage as well and it's disturbing. I am woman and think that maybe men and women handle this situation differently. As a woman, it's VERY important to have sexual intimacy in a relationship. It's an emotional and physical connection and it's extremely frustrating to not get that from this person whom you have devoted your life to. I find it hard to make him undertand how important it truly is because of his male ego (no offense), so I truly understand what you're going through. I have been in a 10 yr marriage and hate to think this way, but am considering going through a divorce because of this lack of intimacy, among many other reasons that are affected by his same emotional detachment


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## Mork&Que (Sep 10, 2012)

Thanks for your understanding.

For me divorce is not an option, as I think I will loose contacts with my kids.

For me we get along in the most part it just feeling like we are best friends.

But it would be nice to have some intimacy. 

I don't even know if I could cheat to get some sex. I seem to have a moral compass. Plus I would not even know we're to start. Lol

I may just have to bite the bullet and come out and say what is on my mind...

The advice on this site seems to point that way.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sex either "is" important to her or it "is not" important to her. It's pretty black and white. Getting the truth is hard though. Bottom line, if it truly "is not" important then she would have no problem at all with you getting it outside your marriage. If she does have a problem with you getting it elsewhere then it simply "is" important to her. In which case, she's asking you to be faithful while refusing to have sex with you. That would make her inexcusably selfish IMO.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Do you think you wife gets her needs filled through affection e.g. cuddling, kissing instead? Or is that fairly low as well (sorry if I missed it above).

I am in a similar situation (although not as long), so it is interesting to read others replies. It makes me ask myself what role sex plays in long term relationships (when not for reproduction).


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're getting screwed (not in a good way) exactly because "divorce is not an option". Some folks on this earth will treat you as shabbily as you will tolerate. If she benefits greatly from the union and she believes that regular sex is a requirement for her continued membership to the union, she'll start acting like a wife. At present, there's no incentive for her to change. You've already made it clear that she'll continue to get her's whether she's a great wife or a lump of fungus. If you didn't do anything on the job, how many more paychecks would you get? If she works outside the home, I bet she doesn't behave at work as if she doesn't care if she has a job or not.


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