# Is there an answer?



## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

I’m 51 she’s 49. 25 years of marriage as of next month. 5 grown children. Soooo is nil. It has progressively dwindled to once every 6 months. She doesn’t like me touching her butt as I kiss her goodbye or an anything of the sort. I comment on her attractiveness and she says “that’s enough” As to say stop. When I ask about her not wanting sex I get a different answer every time. I try talking about it and she says “I just don’t want to” or ”come to bed when I do and we’ll do it” but when I do come to bed I’m shunned.we bought toys and lotions to try and spice up our love life and they have yet to be opened. Sometimes she says she has no libido. 8 or so years ago when I quit trying to have sex or touch her she accused me of having an affair and that for some reason I wasn’t interested In her sexually anymore and I must be cheating. Not so. i love my wife but I have a desire for sex. What do I do? I’m lost. Almost to the point of depression.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Seanshane said:


> I’m 51 she’s 49. 25 years of marriage as of next month. 5 grown children. Soooo is nil. It has progressively dwindled to once every 6 months. She doesn’t like me touching her butt as I kiss her goodbye or an anything of the sort. I comment on her attractiveness and she says “that’s enough” As to say stop. When I ask about her not wanting sex I get a different answer every time. I try talking about it and she says “I just don’t want to” or ”come to bed when I do and we’ll do it” but when I do come to bed I’m shunned.we bought toys and lotions to try and spice up our love life and they have yet to be opened. Sometimes she says she has no libido. 8 or so years ago when I quit trying to have sex or touch her she accused me of having an affair and that for some reason I wasn’t interested In her sexually anymore and I must be cheating. Not so. i love my wife but I have a desire for sex. What do I do? I’m lost. Almost to the point of depression.


Sorry I don't have any real suggestions as I am essentially in the same boat. We have sex more frequently than that but still not a lot (at least for me) and its just so-so when we do. 

Still trying to figure my wife out but more or less have given up on her. In reality, only thing left for me is to divorce.

But just wanted to reply so you knew others out there are going through the same thing. Good luck


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Seanshane said:


> I’m 51 she’s 49. 25 years of marriage as of next month. 5 grown children. Soooo is nil. It has progressively dwindled to once every 6 months. She doesn’t like me touching her butt as I kiss her goodbye or an anything of the sort. I comment on her attractiveness and she says “that’s enough” As to say stop. When I ask about her not wanting sex I get a different answer every time. I try talking about it and she says “I just don’t want to” or ”come to bed when I do and we’ll do it” but when I do come to bed I’m shunned.we bought toys and lotions to try and spice up our love life and they have yet to be opened. Sometimes she says she has no libido. 8 or so years ago when I quit trying to have sex or touch her she accused me of having an affair and that for some reason I wasn’t interested In her sexually anymore and I must be cheating. Not so. i love my wife but I have a desire for sex. What do I do? I’m lost. Almost to the point of depression.


An accusation of cheating, from a spouse that doesn't want sex, can be projection. They often use pretext to justify their own cheating. 
Have you snooped on her cell phone and other social media?


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Sorry I don't have any real suggestions as I am essentially in the same boat. We have sex more frequently than that but still not a lot (at least for me) and its just so-so when we do.
> 
> Still trying to figure my wife out but more or less have given up on her. In reality, only thing left for me is to divorce.
> 
> But just wanted to reply so you knew others out there are going through the same thing. Good luck


I appreciate it. I’m at a loss.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> An accusation of cheating, from a spouse that doesn't want sex, can be projection. They often use pretext to justify their own cheating.
> Have you snooped on her cell phone and other social media?


No that’s impossible. We are with each other all day everyday. We live in the middle of nowhere. I shouldn’t say impossible though should I?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Seanshane said:


> No that’s impossible. We are with each other all day everyday. We live in the middle of nowhere. I shouldn’t say impossible though should I?


Nothing is impossible, but that certainly cuts down the possibilirty.
Women often get more of a charge out of an EA than a PA anyway, so I would check her texting and media accounts. She may not be having a PA, but she may be getting her sexual thrills, at her level, through texting and sending pictures. 

You just need to eliminate the possibility so you can work on the other reasons.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> Nothing is impossible, but that certainly cuts down the possibilirty.
> Women often get more of a charge out of an EA than a PA anyway, so I would check her texting and media accounts. She may not be having a PA, but she may be getting her sexual thrills, at her level, through texting and sending pictures.
> 
> You just need to eliminate the possibility so you can work on the other reasons.


Id hate to think it but I’ll look. At this point it’s either live with it or get divorced and start over. I’m too damn old for that. We’ve accomplished everything we set out to do in life and now we’re supposed to be semiretired, stress free and living the good life. I’m a mess at this point. Tonight I decided to seek outside opinions or at least air my thoughts.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Seanshane said:


> What do I do?


Dump her, this isn't rocket science.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Dump her, this isn't rocket science.


Yeah after 25 years and quite a bit of assets? It’s not that easy Einstein


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You said 5 kids that are all grown. Does she work? Does she have anything of her own? Do you have any idea what she enjoys, what her interests are, does she have hobbies or friends? You said everything was accomplished in life. Maybe she doesn’t feel that way; or maybe she feels that life passed her by and she missed it. Maybe she doesn’t know what to do with herself and feels like she has nothing to look forward to. Women have mid-life crises too, and she’s about to turn 50. It’s difficult even when you feel your life was full, you can get caught in a loop of depression and feelings of failure and hopelessness. If she has no circle of friends, no one to support her, she’s alone, struggling with these feelings. This change could be depression. I’m not suggesting you start putting Xanax in her morning coffee (although that does sound nice but likely wouldn’t be great for productivity 🤪) but maybe she needs to talk to someone. She may need help.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Seanshane said:


> Yeah after 25 years and quite a bit of assets? It’s not that easy Einstein


Has she complained in the past about something that she wanted changed?
She may have built up resentments over 25 years.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Seanshane said:


> Yeah after 25 years and quite a bit of assets? It’s not that easy Einstein


Uh huh, and remind me how is that life working out for you?

Oh and I've been divorced before and it wasn't the end of the world.

Unlike you however, as someone who isn't inclined towards settling for less. I'm into my 26th year of my current ongoing sexual relationship (almost 23 years married). which sees me share sex at 6x a week and often much more.

Seriously though, you get what you settle for. So by choosing to settle for less you ensure you will get less.

At the end of the day though, if sex doesn't really matter to you versus other things. Then do yourself a favour be honest with yourself, own your choices and embrace your dud sex life, instead of whingeing about it to no end.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You said 5 kids that are all grown. Does she work? Does she have anything of her own? Do you have any idea what she enjoys, what her interests are, does she have hobbies or friends? You said everything was accomplished in life. Maybe she doesn’t feel that way; or maybe she feels that life passed her by and she missed it. Maybe she doesn’t know what to do with herself and feels like she has nothing to look forward to. Women have mid-life crises too, and she’s about to turn 50. It’s difficult even when you feel your life was full, you can get caught in a loop of depression and feelings of failure and hopelessness. If she has no circle of friends, no one to support her, she’s alone, struggling with these feelings. This change could be depression. I’m not suggesting you start putting Xanax in her morning coffee (although that does sound nice but likely wouldn’t be great for productivity 🤪) but maybe she needs to talk to someone. She may need help.


She has friends, she always says to me “we’ve accomplished what we set out to do now I want to relax” weve worked together for 23 years, 18 of those at our business and now 5 together at the same job. We always have projects she likes to do on our property so she stays busy. If we aren’t busy here we travel. She’s not depressed, she has no signs at all of depression. I have dealt with that myself in the past and know what it looks like.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Well at least no one can say Personal is not direct and to the point. Must be a Southern Hemisphere thing? 

OP, so Personal does have a point and yet I know your situation as I am the same way. No easy choices and no easy answers.

I know some folks have bailed out of their marriage and hit success but I read just as many stories where people (especially guys around our age) do not so its a great big gamble in my eyes. Let alone ending up with half of what I own in the process.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Uh huh, and remind me how is that life working out for you?
> 
> Oh and I've been divorced before and it wasn't the end of the world.
> 
> ...


Point taken but this is my 2nd marriage and again it’s not that easy.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If her libido is off, has she been to see her Dr? Menopause can tank sex for a woman, and that might be something to investigate.
During your discussions with her, have you told her that sex is a key ingredient of a marriage -- otherwise you are just roommates. Sex keeps the closeness between the both of you.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

we talk about it all the time. The importance of it and so on. Nothing changes. I can’t even touch her other than a kiss to say goodbye and sometimes not even that. She says that she has ask the Dr. about it but the Dr. had no input. I find that odd 


jlg07 said:


> If her libido is off, has she been to see her Dr? Menopause can tank sex for a woman, and that might be something to investigate.
> During your discussions with her, have you told her that sex is a key ingredient of a marriage -- otherwise you are just roommates. Sex keeps the closeness between the both of you.


out it


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Well a Dr NOT having an input on her lack of libido? I find that HIGHLY unbelievable. Did she go specifically for tests to her OB/GYN?

Have you told her that this lack of physical connection is breaking YOUR emotional bond with her? You don't feel as close and you are becoming depressed because of this?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm not going to tell you to jump straight into giving her an ultimatum.

For now, I am going to tell you to make it really clear to her that this is important and not an acceptable way for the two of you to deal with this for the rest of your lives.

Tell her she's not really communicating with you about this. Tell her she's trying to ignore it and minimize it instead of actually dealing with it.

Let her know that if she had some issue that was important to her and she was trying to communicate to you about it and you were acting this way towards her about that issue, she'd be ticked off with you.

Tell her that she knows and you know that communication is important in a relationship and since you know she knows that, you're perplexed as to why she's shutting down the communication regarding this topic.

Tell her you know she can't think this is going to go away on its own. Tell her you know that she can't think this is going to get better on its own. Tell her she knows this is going to get worse and come to a head if its left on this track.

Tell her you love her too dam n much to keep your head in the sand about this as you know if you do that, you'll end up exploding later on at some point and it won't end well for either of you.

Tell her you're communicating to her about this now, before that happens, because you love her.

Ask her why in the hell she's ignoring an important topic she knows her spouse is trying to talk to her about?

Ask her if she'd be happy if you were doing that to her.

Tell her you're making a counseling appointment for the two of you to work on this because you love her and want things to be good and better for the two of you going forward. Tell her you want to work on this, identify things and address them before they turn into some huge problem that isn't surmountable.

Tell her you're doing this because you care enough to do it. Tell her that if you didn't care, you'd just shut up and be quiet about it to her and you'd silently slip away from her and the relationship until you hit a point you no longer cared and you just hit her with divorce papers.

Tell her you do NOT feel that way yet and most importantly let her know you do NOT want to ever get to that point or feel that way and that's why you're addressing this and that's why you're going to make a counseling appointment for the two of you.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Well a Dr NOT having an input on her lack of libido? I find that HIGHLY unbelievable. Did she go specifically for tests to her OB/GYN?
> 
> Have you told her that this lack of physical connection is breaking YOUR emotional bond with her? You don't feel as close and you are becoming depressed because of this?


she ask her GP not Gyno. I have told her, I have let her know it goes on def ears. she did read that exercise helps sex drive so she does workout more.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> I'm not going to tell you to jump straight into giving her an ultimatum.
> 
> For now, I am going to tell you to make it really clear to her that this is important and not an acceptable way for the two of you to deal with this for the rest of your lives.
> 
> ...


This makes sense. You put into words what I’ve been trying to express to her but didn’t. Thank u.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Seanshane said:


> she ask her GP not Gyno. I have told her, I have let her know it goes on def ears. she did read that exercise helps sex drive so she does workout more.


And yet her sex drive hasn't improved, so... Ask her what her next step is to improve this.

Let me ask -- does she masturbate? Does she truly have NO sex drive? 

I just don't understand why she would shut you down for grabbing her butt in a hug or when you tell her she looks good.
SOMETHING is going on here...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Seanshane said:


> Point taken but this is my 2nd marriage and again it’s not that easy.


As best as I can tell, from what you have written, this has been going on for more than 8 years.

Plus your wife obviously knew that you wanted sex with her. Yet when you gave up in the face of her constant refusal, she accuses you of cheating! Which is appalling behaviour on her behalf, clearly this is about her being controlling.

O which I don’t know about you, but if I was married to a wife, who was loathe to have sex with me. Who also expected me to beg for sex despite their constant refusal, who then accused me of cheating on them when I wasn’t. I would have divorced them and for good measure (because **** them for doing that) I would probably thrown in a parting exit affair as well.

That said leaving this dynamic for years on end without stomping on it in very short order, is a recipe for this will never get better.

So if as you say your sex life isn’t especially important versus everything else, then do yourself a favour and embrace what you choose and accept your new found celibacy.

Otherwise if maintaining a marital relationship with a spouse who is loathe to share sex with you isn’t your cup of tea, then feel free to end the burden of carrying a dead albatross around your neck and end the farce going forward.

Also another thing that is well worth considering, is instead having an open marriage or cheating on your wife. Since her constant refusal to share sex with you (which is her right and I am glad that it is the case for all in Western nations) forfeits any obligation on your behalf to forsake all others, when she refuses to meet the to have and to hold bit. So knock yourself out and get yourself a girlfriend or two or three or however many, one night stands etc as well.

The thing is if you want it easy you will have to choose the status quo, otherwise all else that you choose will come at a risk, as like life in general does. Of which you could continue to accept this going forward and it still won't save you from divorce, if she simply changes her mind one day in the future.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> And yet her sex drive hasn't improved, so... Ask her what her next step is to improve this.
> 
> Let me ask -- does she masturbate? Does she truly have NO sex drive?
> 
> ...


i don’t think she masterbates. I’ve ask her in the past if she does and she says that yes she has before. It’s very odd. Most women would love that a man finds them attractive after 25 years of marriage.. I hope like hell she’s not having some online affair or something. That’s what it would have to be because we are together almost 24/7. If I’m out and about she’s at home. We live in an extremely rural area.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Seanshane said:


> She has friends, she always says to me “we’ve accomplished what we set out to do now I want to relax” weve worked together for 23 years, 18 of those at our business and now 5 together at the same job. We always have projects she likes to do on our property so she stays busy. If we aren’t busy here we travel. She’s not depressed, she has no signs at all of depression. I have dealt with that myself in the past and know what it looks like.


Ah, well ok. I was asking because as a woman who just turned 50 I know it can be hard. I’m glad that’s not it. What does she say when you try to talk about it with her? Have you ever asked her if she feels like you love her? You may have done all this already, I apologize if you’ve already answered this. 

Also, on this board a lot of people have been victims of infidelity and that tends to be the #1 answer whenever things aren’t going well. It’s easy to understand why, but if you say it’s out of character and not likely I don’t know that path will really lead anywhere. 

That she accused you of an affair honestly sounds to be more like insecurities than a guilty conscience. But that’s only my opinion based on what little you’ve told me here.


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## Seanshane (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Ah, well ok. I was asking because as a woman who just turned 50 I know it can be hard. I’m glad that’s not it. What does she say when you try to talk about it with her? Have you ever asked her if she feels like you love her? You may have done all this already, I apologize if you’ve already answered this.
> 
> Also, on this board a lot of people have been victims of infidelity and that tends to be the #1 answer whenever things aren’t going well. It’s easy to understand why, but if you say it’s out of character and not likely I don’t know that path will really lead anywhere.
> 
> That she accused you of an affair honestly sounds to be more like insecurities than a guilty conscience. But that’s only my opinion based on what little you’ve told me here.


We have talked, she absolutely knows I love her. When we do talk about she just says she has no desire to have sex BUT earlier this evening when I ask again what we can do about it she says 
“what do u mean“? I say “sex!!!! What do,I need to do to have sex again”? She says “we‘ll have sex whenever u want” I initiate sex and am shut down. Sooooo here I am, fed up.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Seanshane said:


> We have talked, she absolutely knows I love her. When we do talk about she just says she has no desire to have sex BUT earlier this evening when I ask again what we can do about it she says
> “what do u mean“? I say “sex!!!! What do,I need to do to have sex again”? She says “we‘ll have sex whenever u want” I initiate sex and am shut down. Sooooo here I am, fed up.


Many women assume their men are like woman can be satisfied with marriage-style ea's.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Seanshane said:


> Point taken but this is my 2nd marriage and again it’s not that easy.





Seanshane said:


> she ask her GP not Gyno. I have told her, I have let her know it goes on def ears. she did read that exercise helps sex drive so she does workout more.


OK, first of all, you're only 51, been married for 25 years, and this is your second marriage. What brought the two of you together? What ended your first marriage (which couldn't have been very long)? What was your wife's life like before she met you? How long did you wait before having kids? Has she ever expressed any resentment about sex, or just doesn't see the point?

As for the GP _or_ Gyno, for the most part they're going to let the patient lead, and if the patient says "I don't think there's anything wrong with me but my husband wants to make sure I get checked out for medical reasons I don't like sex", the doctor will likely say no, there's nothing wrong with you, a lot of women just don't like sex.

OK, so what do you do RIGHT NOW. Follow this link to the Ted Talk "The Sex Starved Marriage." Watch it first by yourself, and then with your wife. If your wife can watch that and not "get it" then you probably just need to get out.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If I've typed this once over the last 14 years, I've typed it a few hundred times. She isn't utterly put off by the thought of sex. She is utterly put off by the thought of sex with YOU. And you reinforce her aversion every time you make a move.

My recommendation is to flip the script. In no way should you presume it will make your wife of a quarter century horny for you (has she had high sexual responsiveness at all over the last 10 to 15 years?) but I can promise you that it will radically change your current dynamic and make it more equitable.
She is perfectly comfortable with your discomfort.
You need to reciprocate THAT.
Be less.
Less loving. Less engaging. Less accommodating. Less supportive. Less available. Do things for yourself that have nothing to do with her, and certainly don't ask for her permission to do them. None of that requires being mean. If you perceive putting your own personal interests ahead of hers and pursuing what is important to you, rather than what is important to her, as challenging, well then my friend, you've already lost. Because it is exactly what she is doing, and you have been tolerating it just fine. So ... why shouldn't she be fine with you focusing on your own agenda and needs; outside of, and completely apart from her and what she wants, or expects from you?

It is an extraordinarily simple and effective maneuver. Changing the operational parameters that you have established at the very least will inform you as to whether or not you have a spouse that is even mildly interested in continuing to work on her relationship with you. It tells you if you have a partner or a roommate.

I'm 56 and back in the dating game. I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with 50 something year old women's libidos.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you should read the sex in marriage forum. there are a metric ton of posts just like yours, from both husbands and wives wondering what the heck happened.

in your case, it is partly your own fault, what guy puts up with 8 years of almost no sex without acting on that? you must, subconsciously, like it somewhat.

ok, so the kids are all grown.

tell her its more sex or you are leaving. and mean it. talk to a lawyer about divorce and what it would take.

be supportive of her, but firm. she either has no libido because of medical reasons (which can be fixed), the hates your guts (which can not be fixed and you should have left 8 years ago), or she likes you but wants to torture you with no sex (which is a mental defect in her personality, and probably can not be fixed).

So lay down the consequences, and if she does not put out then leave.

i guess a poor second option would be to tell her you will be finding another sex partner, and she is welcome to keep living with you if she chooses....but it will be messy


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That she accused you of an affair honestly sounds to be more like insecurities than a guilty conscience.


this is very suspicious. sounds like "Projection". Maybe she cheated on you (maybe 8 years ago) and it screwed up her personality. You are assuming she is currently cheating on you...maybe it was a long time ago.

Another posibiity....she tricked you and is really an Asexual. and it just took you a long time to realize it. in otherwords, she is crazier than you think she is, AND more devious


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Its time for the f me or f you speech. Basically you sit her down and say, in a nice and loving way, you need to start having a healthy sex life or the marriage cannot continue. This is normally a wake up call for people but if nothing happens after that your only option is divorce.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

And if it doesn't work out you'll have no problem finding a woman in her 30s or 40s or 50s that'll have all the sex you want.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Seanshane said:


> We have talked, she absolutely knows I love her. When we do talk about she just says she has no desire to have sex BUT earlier this evening when I ask again what we can do about it she says
> “what do u mean“? I say “sex!!!! What do,I need to do to have sex again”? She says “we‘ll have sex whenever u want” I initiate sex and am shut down. Sooooo here I am, fed up.


Yikes. So she shut down the conversation with basically a lie, saying she would and then going back on that. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to help. I’m 50 and haven’t started menopause yet, so I can’t speak to what happens then, but this doesn’t sound physical. I apologize that I can’t be more help, I have no idea what is going on. There’s nothing you describe that points to anything other than she just doesn’t want to. 🥺


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Deejo said:


> If I've typed this once over the last 14 years, I've typed it a few hundred times. She isn't utterly put off by the thought of sex. She is utterly put off by the thought of sex with YOU. And you reinforce her aversion every time you make a move.
> 
> My recommendation is to flip the script. In no way should you presume it will make your wife of a quarter century horny for you (has she had high sexual responsiveness at all over the last 10 to 15 years?) but I can promise you that it will radically change your current dynamic and make it more equitable.
> She is perfectly comfortable with your discomfort.
> ...


^^^THIS^^^
Do nothing for her, absolutely nothing. Don't even open a pickle jar for her. Let her figure it our on her own. She's not meeting your needs so don't meet hers. She is way too comfortable with her life and she doesn't give a damn about yours so it's time to try something different and upset the apple cart.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

The fact that she accused you of cheating is disgusting.

the answer to that question is, “why would you even care? You don’t want to have sex with me, so I guess you enjoy putting me in this prison? Does that get you off? Watching me ask you for sex and you turning me down and then also telling me I can’t have sex with anyone else?”. That should get a conversation rolling.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Seanshane said:


> We have talked, she absolutely knows I love her. When we do talk about she just says she has no desire to have sex BUT earlier this evening when I ask again what we can do about it she says
> “what do u mean“? I say “sex!!!! What do,I need to do to have sex again”? She says “we‘ll have sex whenever u want” I initiate sex and am shut down. Sooooo here I am, fed up.


Your problem is she knows theres a problem, she sees it's affecting you, she probably even feels bad about it but she just doesn't have the motivation to do anything about it. She says we can have sex whenever you want to buy some breathing room in the moment because she doesn't feel like talking about it anymore. 

If she doesn't take ownership of the problem and commit to actively fixing the problem you will be riding this merry-go -round for the rest of your life. 

Marriage counseling/sex therapy would be a good start to look at the emotional and mental side of the equation, figure out what in life could be interrupting her desire. You say you're together 24/7, that could be part of the problem all by itself. Desire needs a little space to build sometimes. It could take a lot of little adjustments to get back to a healthy sex life. 

There is the medical side of things, at 50 her hormones could be all over the place, that can be a huge factor. Loss of sexual desire is a complicated thing it's not something you can just turn back on like a light switch. 

Check out Dr. Jennifer Berman here's a link to her website, Dr. Jenn. Her business is much bigger now but she specializes in womens sexual health and is very sex positive. About 11 years ago after having our 2 kids, my wife's sexual desire dropped to almost nothing. My wife found Dr. Jenn because she was on Oprah and had a show on Sirius Satellite Radio and we reached out. We consulted with Dr. Jenn on the phone, got a bunch of tests run and reviewed those. We got a marriage counselor and followed a plan to create more romantic moments which had all but vanished with an infant and 2 year old. Dr. Jenn introduced us to her research partner who was in our city and he prescribed testosterone treatments. After about 6 months of working the plan things changed completely. For the past 10 years our sex life has been amazing, with young kids there are always obstacles but we make sex a priority for both of us and the HD partner has responsibility to put in effort as well. Today we have great sex 5-6 times a week. 

Be honest and look at yourself as well and have fully honest conversations with your wife about anything on your side that might inhibit her attraction. Have you gotten a bit squishy? Have you got lazy with your appearance? Attack the problem from every possible angle. 

It is possible to fix, but both of you have to be fully committed to fixing it and that will include getting professional and likely medical help. Having the same conversation about it over and over is counter productive, and will never fix the problem, your wife won't just wake up one day with strong desire. Telling her fix this or else might get her to have duty sex with you more often but then you'll be back here complaining she just wants to get it over with and it makes you feel like crap and you're miserable. You want her to have real desire not just a few quickies a week to get you off her back.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Seanshane said:


> I’m 51 she’s 49. 25 years of marriage as of next month. 5 grown children. Soooo is nil. It has progressively dwindled to once every 6 months. She doesn’t like me touching her butt as I kiss her goodbye or an anything of the sort. I comment on her attractiveness and she says “that’s enough” As to say stop. When I ask about her not wanting sex I get a different answer every time. I try talking about it and she says “I just don’t want to” or ”come to bed when I do and we’ll do it” but when I do come to bed I’m shunned.we bought toys and lotions to try and spice up our love life and they have yet to be opened. Sometimes she says she has no libido. 8 or so years ago when I quit trying to have sex or touch her she accused me of having an affair and that for some reason I wasn’t interested In her sexually anymore and I must be cheating. Not so. i love my wife but I have a desire for sex. What do I do? I’m lost. Almost to the point of depression.


Ask her to check her hormones. My wife's mom was in the same predicament and after she got on hormones, I know their sex life went through the roof, so much so that she had to tell my wife (her daughter) cringe worthy stories. She ended up having complications from it so now they are back to sexless but it was a good run while it lasted.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Seanshane said:


> Point taken but this is my 2nd marriage and again it’s not that easy.


Yep. Your are correct. The current situation isn’t easy either is it?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I know some folks have bailed out of their marriage and hit success but I read just as many stories where people (especially guys around our age) do not so its a great big gamble in my eyes. Let alone ending up with half of what I own in the process.


Very true, and I'm another that achieved great success (and not just sex, but a far better relationship) by divorcing my ex and finding someone more compatible. Was it hard? Damn right it was. And there are no guarantees. However, what the OP has now offers no hope of improvement for the rest of his life. Divorce - and relocation in his case - would at least provide hope for a vast improvement in his quality of life.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I used to get all bent out of shape and offer all kinds of books and advice about this sexless stuff. None of that ever helps and the truth is that you are where you are because you accept it and aren’t willing to do what it takes to repair or end this situation. It takes a “whole lot of uncomfortable” to get to a resolution one way or the other and most men don’t have the guts. After 8 years worth of this you aren’t going anywhere and she knows it.

That’s the ugly truth.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Seanshane said:


> 8 or so years ago when I quit trying to have sex or touch her she accused me of having an affair and that for some reason I wasn’t interested In her sexually anymore and I must be cheating.


So this started more than 8 years ago, because you originally gave up 8 years ago. Not that it really matters at this point, but what happened 8 years ago?? Something major? 



jonty30 said:


> An accusation of cheating, from a spouse that doesn't want sex, can be projection. They often use pretext to justify their own cheating.


Was there a cheating opportunity 8 years ago? Has she been pining for an OM for 8 years? Very sucspicious.



Seanshane said:


> I’m too damn old for that. We’ve accomplished everything we set out to do in life and now we’re supposed to be semiretired, stress free and living the good life. I’m a mess at this point.


At 51 you are "too damn old"? If you say so. You either have potentially decades of good times ahead or more decades of misery. Your choice. I am half again as old as you, my wife is older than me. We BOTH enjoy a LOT of intimacy. With the kids gone and retired there is no reason you can't also. And if your wife wanted to she would fix her problem. She doesn't want to.



Deejo said:


> She is utterly put off by the thought of sex with YOU.


This could indeed be the case. Why? Maybe because you aren't her true love from 8 years ago.



Mr.Married said:


> It takes a “whole lot of uncomfortable” to get to a resolution one way or the other and most men don’t have the guts. After 8 years worth of this you aren’t going anywhere and she knows it.


This, and what Personal told you. Whatever we tolerate we get more of.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Seanshane said:


> I’m 51 she’s 49. 25 years of marriage as of next month.


Stop with the negative outlook! You are just hitting your prime! Kids gone, so child support isn't an issue. If you divorced her how would things change? 25 years married ( 8 of it 'married' as in no intimacy ), don't let yourself be trapped in the sunk cost fallacy. Just imagine what life is like when you are 61 if you stay with this travesty. I am willing to bet a healthy 50 something guy will attract more interest than you imagine.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Marriage counseling/sex therapy would be a good start to look at the emotional and mental side of the equation, figure out what in life could be interrupting her desire. You say you're together 24/7, that could be part of the problem all by itself. Desire needs a little space to build sometimes. It could take a lot of little adjustments to get back to a healthy sex life.
> 
> There is the medical side of things, at 50 her hormones could be all over the place, that can be a huge factor. Loss of sexual desire is a complicated thing it's not something you can just turn back on like a light switch.


This^^
Too many entitled, horny dudes on here jumping to use the word divorce. 

I’m guessing that even she doesn’t quite understand why she doesn’t want to have sex. And that’s why she’s avoiding even talking about it. She could very likely feel unmotivated and insecure and pressured, which are not emotions that will lead to a person feeling like wanting to have sex either.

The bottom line is, though that if it isn’t addressed, it’s not going to get better.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Skookaroo said:


> I’m guessing that even she doesn’t quite understand why she doesn’t want to have sex. And that’s why she’s avoiding even talking about it. She could very likely feel unmotivated and insecure and pressured, which are not emotions that will lead to a person feeling like wanting to have sex either.


Or she knows why and also knows the answer will cause a big fight that no one will win.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

How is your relationship outside of sex? 

Also want to add to the chorus of voices telling you this is not ok. 

How many conversations have you had about this? She must have said something beyond pretending there is no problem?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

51 is young... I'm 58. My wife dumped our sex life after the kids left the nest. Obviously, she thought she accomplished her job and that was it. Sounds to me you are fighting a lost cause. If you think sex is a very important part of your life, then divorce. She won't change. I haven't had sex for 4 years and I can tell you you get used to it. But we are not together anymore. Do I miss my wife and sex? Yes, but at least the nightmare is over.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Yes, but at least the nightmare is over.


I think the OP has left the room, the advice isn't what he wanted. Unfortunately, these things can't be fixed as you found out. But ending a nightmare brings some semblance of peace.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> I think the OP has left the room, the advice isn't what he wanted. Unfortunately, these things can't be fixed as you found out. But ending a nightmare brings some semblance of peace.


Yes, absolutely. When the gap is too big, fighting over scraps is massively draining and ultimately pointless. It's good not to be in that headspace anymore.


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