# 30+ years and very confused



## rhonda725 (Jun 15, 2015)

After thirty years, husband decides he wants out. It hasn't always been perfect but we have a good life. I have taken care of myself and am considered young looking at 48. It all started when I didn't do exactly what he wanted. Needless to say, I was shocked when he demanded I quit hanging around my best friend. This is one of many couples we hung around. I have since found receipts where he has bought gifts for a female and he has denied or made excuses. I am not a jealous person so this has been a shock to find myself looking closely at his private affairs. He now states he does not love me or want me. I have been with this man since high school and at loss where to turn next. He refuses to talk about anything. How does one start over? Our only child is grown and we have two grandchildren. Completely lost.


----------



## statuscomforts (May 18, 2015)

It seems harder than it actually is when you are in it, it feels good to be out of the fog of BS once you are gone. I can't speak long term, but a plus you have going for you is that your kids don't need you to take care of them anymore.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Rhonda, I'm so very sorry you are going through this. I've been married almost 30 years myself, and I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I would suggest you do some further investigation into this "friend" of your husband's. Have you ever suspected him of an affair? Why does he want you to dump your friend? Does he consider her a toxic friend of the marriage? Please provide more information.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

rhonda725 said:


> I was shocked when he demanded I quit hanging around my best friend. This is one of many couples we hung around.


Is your 'best friend' female? why is your best friend a problem? 


and the gifts? what's his excuse? 


I don't know...sounds like one of you is either blameshifting or projecting. Need more details


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. Do you suspect he is having an affair? Men rarely leave just to be alone, they usually leave to be with another women which makes it more difficult to fix the marriage. Do some investigating.


----------



## rhonda725 (Jun 15, 2015)

To answer the question about my married female best friend; we like to do things together and I honestly think he felt he was being replaced or maybe he needed an excuse. His demands only came after I suspected his affair. My pride is hurt about the OW, but I am mad about his attitude toward me now. He refuses to talk anything out and only belittles me about everything. I am a teacher and my answer to everything is go to our beach house to get away from him. I have been home for the weekend and no progress with talking through a separation or what he wants. Said he was in hell. I really want to show him what hell really can be. I won't because I am better than that and refuse to lower myself to the standards he has set. Not sure how a person can throw away 30 years and won't discuss anything. How does a person get pass all the issues? My answer is to just take a breather and leave. I am positive that isn't the answer but Lord knows I can't find one in this situation.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Do some investigating and get proof of his affair and then expose him far and wide for the cheater he is!! If I were in your shoes, I'd talk with an attorney, file for divorce and have him served ASAP!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He shows many of the red flags of being in an affair: deflection, starting arguments and picking fights, saying he no longer wants the marriage, blame-shifting on to your friendship with your girlfriend... 

Yeah, those are all signs he's finding companionship elsewhere. Start doing some covert digging.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> He shows many of the red flags of being in an affair: deflection, starting arguments and picking fights, saying he no longer wants the marriage, blame-shifting on to your friendship with your girlfriend...
> 
> Yeah, those are all signs he's finding companionship elsewhere. Start doing some covert digging.


QFT.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How could he just walk away after 30 years? Very easily. People unfortunately do it every day. And they usually don't want to discuss it because there's someone else involved they don't want to admit to. Of course, he may change his mind and decide he wants to remain married but for now you need to focus entirely on you. Have a plan for life after him (you may or may not need it but it's better to have it than not). And even if you do get divorced, be prepared that one day he may realize he's made a mistake and want the marriage back. 

In other words, expect the unexpected. And take this a day at a time.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rhonda, something is up and he is just creating a smokescreen to throw you off the real reasons for this 'sudden' decision.
Go dark on him and start digging, he is probably having an affair or has someone in the wings.
YOu will find lots of useful information on this site as to how to go about doing the digging. Whatever you do, do not warn him of what you are doing. Listen carefully to what he says, (I would record him without his knowing using your phone). 

Something isn't right.


----------

