# Well now I'm in two forums



## justsomedudeNJ

My original thread is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/211490-i-need-your-help.html

tl;dr of thread> I just discovered my wife of 20 years cheated on me. She copped to it immediately when confronted. Going into the confrontation, I was absolutely sure I was done. However, something changed in the heat of the moment. 

I want to try.

I'm sure there are people here in similar situations. I will read through the messages. I don't want to be an idiot and hope for the impossible. If it can't be, it can't be. But if there's a REASONABLE chance for success, I feel I have to go for it.

Not for the kids, not for her, but for me.


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## Arrag

Yeah I think I saw that original thread. Ok, so here's the deal for me, FOR ME...... now that I've been on these forums, I see women who have repented and have done the heavy lifting. Mine wanted me to commit after cheating on me, yet I saw no heavy lifting, hell I didn't know what heavy lifting was at that point. Probably some to a lot of gas lighting. I Didn't see any effort so I didn't commit to R and in the end, yano what.... the ol gut was right, hmmmmm imagine that....


JustSomeDudeNJ, guess the question is, have you seen what you needed to see to make the effort ?


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## aug

You reconcile this quickly?

Does the other man's wife know?


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## justsomedudeNJ

aug said:


> You reconcile this quickly?
> 
> Does the other man's wife know?



I don't think so. Maybe I'm not sure what reconcile means. We're still living in the house, she's broken off contact, and we're going to try and work past it.

No, she doesn't. I don't think I could bring myself to tell her. 

Also, my wife refuses to talk about the affair at all. I've only gotten some broad strokes. I think I might be fine with this as the details will really kill me, probably.


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## justsomedudeNJ

This was a mistake. There will be no reconcile.


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## 2xloser

justsomedudeNJ said:


> This was a mistake. There will be no reconcile.


Care to share why? What happened, or what you found out?


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## michzz

False reconciliation is when the BS take a leap of faith and tries to reconcile with a WS who acts as though they are on the same page but continues to cheat and/or hide significant details about their cheating.

Reconciliation will not be successful without both parties both on the same page and nobody cheating.


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## 3Xnocharm

justsomedudeNJ said:


> I don't think so. Maybe I'm not sure what reconcile means. We're still living in the house, she's broken off contact, and we're going to try and work past it.
> 
> No, she doesn't. I don't think I could bring myself to tell her.
> 
> *Also, my wife refuses to talk about the affair at all.* I've only gotten some broad strokes. I think I might be fine with this as the details will really kill me, probably.


R will not work if she refuses to talk about it. It will be the elephant in the room forever if it isnt discussed.


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## WolverineFan

It is a very painful thing to discover that your wife has had an affair. I am sorry for the heartache. I do know, however, that the hope of reconciliation and restoration depends completely upon the two of you. Other people's experience has no bearing on what will happen between you and your wife. I have spent years counseling with couples who have divorced as well as with many who have reconciled successfully. If you and your wife are committed to doing whatever is necessary, then your marriage will not only recover but it will become better than it ever was before. I would definitely seek the help of a counselor or a Pastor because an unbiased third party can really be helpful. I also recommend a book titled _Torn Assunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair_ by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke. 

You are at the beginning of a long journey. In my heart I believe that it is a journey well worth taking. If your wife is repentant and willing to try, things can turn around. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings!


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## Decorum

Should you change your mind again...DONT!

If you go into reconciliation as you were you are sentencing yourself to a miserable life.


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## Philat

2xloser said:


> Care to share why? What happened, or what you found out?


Yes, you went from trying to work past it to not in just over an hour.

If you keep flip-flopping in your mind you are not ready to take a definite step of any kind. You need to get everything out in the open before you can make this decision. Her not talking about it is a non-starter.

Sounds like you are still in the denial stage. Anger comes next. After that, maybe R is possible.


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## Decorum

Philat said:


> Yes, you went from trying to work past it to not in just over an hour.
> 
> If you keep flip-flopping in your mind you are not ready to take a definite step of any kind. You need to get everything out in the open before you can make this decision. Her not talking about it is a non-starter.
> 
> Sounds like you are still in the denial stage. Anger comes next. After that, maybe R is possible.


Likely she broke NC.

justsomedudeNJ- You are not equipped to deal with what you are facing. Take advantage of the knowledge and experience here. Come back, ask questions, listen!



.


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## EleGirl

Decorum said:


> Likely she broke NC.
> 
> justsomedudeNJ- You are not equipped to deal with what you are facing. Take advantage of the knowledge and experience here. Come back, ask questions, listen!
> 
> .


His other thread is alive and growing. Right now headed to divorce.


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