# Abuse(emotional) and Sexual Coercion



## Notsurenz (Aug 21, 2021)

Hi Everyone
This is my first post here.

I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for 12 years, we have four children together, two are Autistic.

Since about 2012 things started to go bad in our marriage, my husband became verbally abusive, calling my the most nasty names in arguments, then it started turning into bullying behaviour, always picking on me or trying to fix me, he was quite controlling and if I didn’t agree with him I got lectures.
He would tell me often that I was too sensitive, or over reacting, it’s all my in head and just my anxiety etc
I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, things would be good for a while then all of a sudden cone crashing down again, which usually ended up with me crying my eyes out and him being awful about it, then saying sorry….and so on and do forth.
Naturally my sex drive dwindled, due to pregnancy, kids, medication and his continuing abuse. We did it probably roughly once a week. He would berate me and get so mad when I didn’t want to do anything, I would get nervous when we had to do anything because I just felt so emotionally disconnected.
He started to tell me our sex life was getting boring so wanted to fo things like Anal and oral(in my mouth) like the porn he watched, when I said no he got annoyed and told me he’d never be satisfied then, then back tracked and said he didn’t mean it!!

anyways I told him 5 weeks ago I wanted to seperate and he was gob smacked, says he didn’t realise he was being abusive and that he would do what ever it takes to make it right. So he stayed in the house, I have told him no sex at all at this stage, and he is respectful of that so far. 
Since then he’s been a different person, caring, helpful, kind, going to counselling etc
My problem is that apart from the fact I care for him and I do love him, I don’t feel much else other than friendship, he absolutely destroy the intimate side due to years of emotional abuse 

has anyone ever managed to get it bacK? I just don’t know how I feel or what to do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why did he abuse you? that's a question you need answered before you can even think of reconciliation.


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## Notsurenz (Aug 21, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Why did he abuse you? that's a question you need answered before you can even think of reconciliation.


he said he thinks it comes from low self esteem and stress, and that a lot of it he would say but didn’t mean. The thing is though a lot of it was via texting which you have to think about before you type…

he also said he was living in his own selfish bubble


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Notsurenz said:


> he said he thinks it comes from low self esteem and stress, and that a lot of it he would say but didn’t mean. The thing is though a lot of it was via texting which you have to think about before you type…
> 
> he also said he was living in his own selfish bubble


Is he suffering from a mental illness? Perhaps on the Autistic Spectrum?


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## Notsurenz (Aug 21, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Is he suffering from a mental illness? Perhaps on the Autistic Spectrum?


it is definitely a possibility that he is on the spectrum, his doctor is talking with him at his next appointment about that(though not sure when that is as we are back in lockdown).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

These simple tests might be of help. It's obviously not 100% accurate but gives you a rough idea








Autism Test: Signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder in Adults


Could I have autism? What does autism spectrum disorder look like in adults? How do I know if I am autistic? What about Aspergers? Take this free autism test for adults and share the instant results with a health professional for evaluation.




www.additudemag.com









Online Test for Adult Autism | Clinical Partners


The following online test may be useful to understand if you are experiencing some of the common behaviours and thoughts associated with adult autism.




www.clinical-partners.co.uk


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## st5555 (Dec 7, 2019)

*
My problem is that apart from the fact I care for him and I do love him, I don’t feel much else other than friendship, he absolutely destroy the intimate side due to years of emotional abuse 

has anyone ever managed to get it bacK? I just don’t know how I feel or what to do.
[/QUOTE]*

I suffered emotional abuse from my wife for decades. All I received from her was scorn, contempt and anger. I became completely convinced she completely hated me. You (at least I couldn't) can't feel love toward someone you believe hates you. She used to be my everything, my world revolved around her. But since she acted like she hated me, my love slowly died.

Like you, things started to change the day I told her I was leaving her as I wouldn't allow her to abuse me anymore. After years of individual and mutual therapy we are in a much better place, but it is still a daily struggle to not allow her abusive nature to raise it's head. 

I told my therapist that the greatest tragedy was that I was now living with a woman I no longer loved. 
A few years have now passed and I think I do love her, but it's on a completely different level then the complete love I used to have. 

So what you used to have is dead and gone, it was destroyed by your abuser. It will take time, perhaps years, but you might once again feel an connection, but it won't be anything like what you used to have and perhaps yearn to have. 

I've been there and know what you are going through. If he treats you in a loving manner perhaps love will be found. If he treats you in an abusive manner, all you will find is regret for what could have been. 
Good luck, it's a long road and hopefully you'll find what you are looking for.


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## st5555 (Dec 7, 2019)

Notsurenz said:


> *and that a lot of it he would say but didn’t mean.*


Don't fall for that. My wife uses that excuse all the time. It's a copout for bad behavior. The abusers know exactly what they are saying and doing. 
What they really don't like is people calling them out for it.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Notsurenz said:


> Hi Everyone
> This is my first post here.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for 12 years, we have four children together, two are Autistic.
> ...


I'm so sorry. I know a fair bit of what you are currently going through. After years of emotional detachment from his side and me kidding myself that at least we had good sex to hold us together, when connection and intimacy have been so eroded it has now reached the point after 17 years that I don't even want my husband to touch me. Others on here will say what do I expect to get after I had an affair but hopefully one day I have the words and the mental cohesion to write my story here properly. This isn't about me anyway. I'm sorry you are here.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Notsurenz said:


> Hi Everyone
> This is my first post here.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for 12 years, we have four children together, two are Autistic.
> ...


He is love bombing. Abusers don't magically change. He will be sweet and loving until you are comfortable again and then it will start all over. Stick to your gut and your guns and get yourself out.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Notsurenz said:


> he said he thinks it comes from low self esteem and stress, and that a lot of it he would say but didn’t mean. The thing is though a lot of it was via texting which you have to think about before you type…
> 
> he also said he was living in his own selfish bubble


There is no reason or excuse for his behavior. He is a grown man and knows what he is doing. If he didn't mean it he wouldn't say it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t know about the love bombing stuff, but if you don’t live him anymore, wouldn’t it be best to divorce? Or will he just jump through hoops for you until you’re satisfied he’s paid his debt, then say “btw it’s been great but I don’t love you anymore, bye..”??


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