# Do You Ever Regret Your Decision?



## Bremik

Hopefully this is in the right forum. There have been some good talks on here about why WS need support and questions from the BS to the WS on the "whys" of certain acts or conditions that lead to infidelity and ultimately divorce. Taking into account those discussions and throwing out those who are habitual cheaters that really never should have been married to begin with- I want to know that when all the dust settles and the divorce is final and possibly have even moved on to another SO, do you have true regret on the previous relationship?

There are numerous stories of married couples just growing apart, or in a relationship where it could be emotional or physical needs aren't met. And somehow at the right time in the right moment one couple strays and starts a spiral of the marriage that railroads to divorce. NOT saying cheating is right but saying it is possible for enough things to be wrong or worse yet "seem" wrong that cheating fulfills an emotional need. It becomes a very bad decision that can spin your world out of control. The BS rightfully wronged and hurt and the breakdown continues. All this is evident by the many angry responses on TAM towards WS.

BUT when its all over you have closed a chapter on your life that can range from months to 30-40 years. You are losing some range of your life. It is reasonable to conclude that both partners could have done things different at the right times to have a different outcome? Statistics I have seen say the rate of divorce is very high for a 2nd marriage because you never fixed what was wrong with you from the first marriage and are destined to repeat it. Are there some on here who have happily remarried and realized they are a different person and had they been that type of person in the first marriage would they still be in it? Obviously infidelity is a lot harder to overcome but there are plenty of divorces that financial, emotional problems and other non cheating issues were the driving factor for the growing apart and divorce. And all those precursors can make the possibility ripe for infidelity. 

So if this has come into play for some that have moved on after divorce- What could you have done different before the divorce that may have changed things whether infidelity was a factor in the divorce or not?


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## Bananapeel

Can't help with this one. I don't live my life with regrets and wouldn't have changed anything. Some of us were good spouses who married someone that simply had poor morals and boundaries, yet were deceptively good at hiding their true nature. There is no point in dwelling on the past, instead learn from it and make better decisions in the future. Plus even marrying the wrong person isn't completely bad. There are typically good times and good things, such as kids, that come out of it.


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## Hellomynameis

I wish I hadn't been such a doormat and taken everything he dished out without complaint. I doubt it would have saved our marriage but it would have saved me 25 wasted years. The only good thing that came out of our marriage is our son. I have absolutely no good memories anymore, the bad memories have completely obscured them.


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## bkyln309

I regret that I married him and I didnt heed the red flags. I am sorry I stay married to him so long and didnt divorce him sooner.


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## 2ntnuf

No. I couldn't touch my second ex today. She makes me nauseated, thinking that I ever had sex with her. I feel dirty and used. 

She is a pig and worthless to anyone who has real love to give. 

I wish I would never have met her. She is the lowest form of life I've ever known. 

I regret the time I wasted with her. I could have done so much. I could have found real love. All I got was heartache and never ending pain. 

Nearly six years later, I still have nightmares. I can't sleep the night through. I can't trust women enough to want to date them. I don't have a future. I have existence. 

All of this because of being with her. Well, it was my choice to be with her. I made the mistake of my life.


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## Hellomynameis

2ntnuf said:


> No. I couldn't touch my second ex today. She makes me nauseated, thinking that I ever had sex with her. I feel dirty and used.
> 
> She is a pig and worthless to anyone who has real love to give.
> 
> I wish I would never have met her. She is the lowest form of life I've ever known.
> 
> I regret the time I wasted with her. I could have done so much. I could have found real love. All I got was heartache and never ending pain.
> 
> Nearly six years later, I still have nightmares. I can't sleep the night through. I can't trust women enough to want to date them. I don't have a future. I have existence.
> 
> All of this because of being with her. Well, it was my choice to be with her. I made the mistake of my life.


Wow. This sounds exactly how I feel about STBXH. The regrets, the disgust, even the nightmares. Your ex must be a real piece of work. Shall we introduce her to mine? Sounds like they deserve each other.


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## 2ntnuf

Hellomynameis said:


> Wow. This sounds exactly how I feel about STBXH. The regrets, the disgust, even the nightmares. Your ex must be a real piece of work. Shall we introduce her to mine? Sounds like they deserve each other.


She's introduced herself to many men before and after we separated and divorced. She might even know him. I sort of joke there, but who knows?? Not much surprises me any more.


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## Wolf1974

I don't regret my decision to divorce. She betrayed me and I lost all respect for her. You can't have a marriage with zero respect.

My regret comes from choosing to marry her in the first place. I knew what she was but bought the story even though I knew she had issues. Ultimately it's a price I will pay for the rest of my life and I do regret that every day.


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## Hellomynameis

2ntnuf said:


> She's introduced herself to many men before and after we separated and divorced. She might even know him. I sort of joke there, but who knows?? Not much surprises me any more.


Is she petite and curvy with long dark hair? That seems to be the only type he'll even look at anymore. Hence his current obsession with Asian women. Have you seen the picture of Michael Strahan with that little black gymnast at the Super Bowl? That's my STBXH and his current GF. He absolutely towers over her.


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## 2ntnuf

Hellomynameis said:


> Is she petite and curvy with long dark hair? That seems to be the only type he'll even look at anymore. Hence his current obsession with Asian women. Have you seen the picture of Michael Strahan with that little black gymnast at the Super Bowl? That's my STBXH and his current GF. He absolutely towers over her.


Nope, she is 5' 5" with hair that can range in color from red to dark brown, because it is all naturally gray and she colors it. I don't know how long it is any more, but I doubt she would let it get past her shoulders if it's even that long. She is big boned and may be anywhere from 160 to near 200 pounds. Although, I've never seen her below 180 lbs.


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## john117

No regrets for marrying, 20 good years, 10 bad, and the upcoming poof!

Thanks to her substantial income - along with my equally substantial income - we have an awesome McMansion and two incredible daughters who got the best education money can buy.

So what if she's a zombie? There's enough of her DNA in both girls to make them unique and amazing. For that I thank her.


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## EasyPartner

bremik said:


> BUT when its all over you have closed a chapter on your life that can range from months to 30-40 years. You are losing some range of your life. It is reasonable to conclude that both partners could have done things different at the right times to have a different outcome?


You are not losing any range of your life. You are going to live as long as you would have if you had not divorced. And you very well may become a happier and possibly better man after the dust settles down.

This may sound abstract to you now but things WILL get better. The fact that you find yourself on this forum and your OP prove that you have done some soulsearching. Bremik, you have already changed, I think. 

And of course "different things done at the right times by both partners" could have had a different outcome. At the same time, things that you alone would have done different maybe would have made no difference at all. We will never know so no use beating yourself up about it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you give it your best shot with the knowledge and means you had at the time? 

If you did, you are one of the good guys.


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## aine

There aren't many WS on here and I guess this is a question for them.

I can understand if a marriage is in a bad place, e.g. no sex, constant fighting, lying etc where one or both partners may stray rather than deal with the elephant in the room.
However, that is the coward's approach and one that is usually orchestrated by persons with a chip on their shoulder, lack of self esteem, poor boundaries, a sense of entitlement, etc. I do believe that ones character will dictate whether one will cheat.


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## Cooper

No regrets here, divorce was a rebirth for me. I'm not one to wallow in self pity or regrets and once the dust of our divorce settled I find everyday a gift. It's not that I'm living large everyday, it's living without the constant stress and drama I found so refreshing. 

Yeah for me!


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## Diana7

I am happily remarried, 11 years now. I dont think either of us would have done anything differently before, accept that I should never have married a man who wasn't a Christian and I was too young to make such a commitment,(married at 19) but we had good times in the 23 years and I have 3 lovely children out of it. 
My now husband was who is he is now in his first marriage, a really lovely easy going, easy to please man, who was clearly not good enough for his ex who cheated and divorced him. 
We are both far happier this time around and hopefully wiser. 

I believe there are many reasons why more second marriages fail, things like having to deal with exes, step children, blended families, and more baggage from life in general.


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## arbitrator

2ntnuf said:


> No. I couldn't touch my second ex today. She makes me nauseated, thinking that I ever had sex with her. I feel dirty and used.
> 
> She is a pig and worthless to anyone who has real love to give.
> 
> I wish I would never have met her. She is the lowest form of life I've ever known.
> 
> I regret the time I wasted with her. I could have done so much. I could have found real love. All I got was heartache and never ending pain.
> 
> Nearly six years later, I still have nightmares. I can't sleep the night through. I can't trust women enough to want to date them. I don't have a future. I have existence.
> 
> All of this because of being with her. Well, it was my choice to be with her. I made the mistake of my life.


*Same here, 2-Man!

The only thing that I feel usurped over are the premarital dreams that we shared that we were a team and we're on top of the world, working to put the needs of others in the family first, and then the community! 

Too bad, unbeknownst to me, that my RSWX fully lived up to the "community" credo, because she apparently "put the needs of others first" by fastidiously losing her drawers and spreading her thighs in the presence of other men!

After that very sad fact, I now feel like that, in her, I had married the lowest common denominator, but yet, I still yearn for the nobleness of what it was that we had come to plan together, not only for ourselves, but for others!

Moral of this story: You don't necessarily have to be poor or destitute to be a skank as they seem to thrive and abound in most all monetary stratifications!*


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## Bremik

aine said:


> There aren't many WS on here and I guess this is a question for them.
> 
> I can understand if a marriage is in a bad place, e.g. no sex, constant fighting, lying etc where one or both partners may stray rather than deal with the elephant in the room.
> However, that is the coward's approach and one that is usually orchestrated by persons with a chip on their shoulder, lack of self esteem, poor boundaries, a sense of entitlement, etc. I do believe that ones character will dictate whether one will cheat.


The character part on cheating I still question. Again I would use alcoholics, gamblers, drug addicts- though it isn't the only excuse "coping" does cause addictions and bad decisions. I know more than one alcoholic that I never dreamed would be an alcoholic that has lost their family. Do you really think they CHOSE to do that? If the drinking started because of poor coping and then the threat of loss of family deepened that issue it is easy for me to see it becomes a speeding treadmill you can't get off of. There are plenty of people in the world that are just plain jerks so cheating for them would be par for the course so they don't count in this discussion.

I know of at least 2 couples who have divorced where at least one of the partners of each would say they aren't better off. This is after admitting and owning that neither was a perfect marriage. One was constantly berated by her spouse and even though they acknowledge they didn't like that they wouldn't have divorced over it because of what they did like about the marriage.

I would say the nobody on here has said they regret it. It would be interesting to know what percent of TAM members have been cheated on and divorced. I gather most responding to this have been cheated on


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## Married but Happy

I regret marrying her, but not divorcing her. Despite her bait and switch regarding sex (plenty before marriage, almost none after), we lasted about 24 years - in retrospect that was 23 years too long. Oh well! Anyway, infidelity wasn't a factor in divorcing her, but I am certain she had at least an EA not long before I left. I no longer cared what she did, as I was preparing to leave anyway.

I did everything possible to fix the relationship and preserve the marriage, but she did not respond to anything, and the things she did try were only to provide rationalizations for her behavior (confirmed by various therapists we tried). So, no regrets, only tremendous relief at leaving that toxic stew, which quickly turned to joy at having freedom and options once again.


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