# Need to leave my wife, but worried about kids



## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

We've been married for 15 years. Admittedly, I've not been a saint. I have had multiple affairs during the course of our 15yr marriage, which I'm not proud of, and we've split up on 3 separate occasions, only to end up back together. It appears to be my wife's mission in life to make me pay for my mistakes 24/7, even though she said she has moved on. For me, each time we split up I was concerned with what our kids were seeing with their mother (drinking everyday and neglecting them) and thus I decided for their sake to try to work things out. 

We have two children together (1st grader and 8th grader). Our parenting styles couldn't be any further apart, which appears to be on of our largest obstacles. Her default parenting style is yelling, calling names and demeaning, which she also does to me in front on our children every day. She is passive aggressive (and bipolar) and I am seeing some of this behavior in our children (my wife blames me, of course). My wife hasn't worked since becoming pregnant with our first child and has relied 100% on me financially. She's gotten accustomed to a certain lifestyle and when things have become challenging financially, her stance is "this is not what I signed up for". She has zero empathy for the financial pressures I am constantly under and tells me that I'm "not a man" if things are ever tight financially. Luckily she is also there to constantly tell me all of the things I'm doing wrong, every second of every day. 

The affairs... Unfortunately my wife put on in excess of 70lbs during her first pregnancy and to this day has not taken any of the weight off. I understand this will be perceived as shallow of me, but her weight is a MAJOR issue for me. I'm no Greek god, but I was a pro athlete for 10+ years and continue to stay very active. To be clear, she was quite fit prior to our first child, so it's not as though she was chubby to begin with. I have never been attracted (in fact I'm repulsed) to a larger woman, which makes her weight gain that much more of an issue for me. I took the easy way out and had affairs with women who took care of themselves and were actually nice to me. I get it, I was wrong in doing so, however between her weight gain, passive aggressiveness, bipolar behavior, name calling, swearing and sense of entitlement, I felt like I needed to have some positivity in my life. We worked though these affairs via counseling and personal dedication, although she has constantly stated that she's waiting for a "grand gesture" from me in order to ultimately forgive me. Unfortunately, ANY disagreement or argument we have gets swiftly deflected to the affairs I've had and that I'm probably doing it again now or planning to soon. I can't win... 

Oh, her mother recently passed away and she left my wife a sizable inheritance (which she will get eventually), so now all I hear about is how she doesn't need me and how well positioned SHE is for HER future. What about the past 15 years I have supported her?? 

So here we are in a loveless marriage, where we constantly bicker and fight in front of the kids. They hate it and I hate that they see this. We all deserve better! How can I move on and assure that my kids aren't exposed to this constant negativity? What steps should I take to ensure this split is permanent?


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Your kids are going to be exposed to the negativity because she will have custody of your children. You can move on by not getting back together with her after you separate and file for divorce. You have no legal rights to her inheritance but she now has money so get on her own, so that's to your advantage. Have you talked to her about getting a divorce? If you both agree then it will make it easier and less nasty. I'm sure her negative behavior towards you is related to the affairs you had. Spouses who are cheated on never forget. It doesn't matter how much overweight she is you should have keep your pants on and not cheated. My husband has gained over 100 pounds since we have been married but I love him no matter what. You are too shallow. She will probably blame you for the breakup of your marriage because of the affairs. Be prepared to be labeled the bad guy no matter what her behavior is.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SteveSeverin said:


> *I have had multiple affairs *during the course of our 15yr marriage which I'm not proud of, and we've split up on 3 separate occasions ...
> 
> ... each time we split up I was concerned with what our kids were seeing with their mother (*drinking everyday and neglecting them*) and thus I decided for their sake to try to work things out.
> 
> ...


To be perfectly honest, and completely blunt with you, I have some doubts about the authenticity of your post. Why? Because there is more dysfunction, drama, and downright lunacy going on in your marriage than there is in the daily soap opera, "The Young and the Restless."

Also, your position on multiple affairs is to justify them because your wife is a total b!tch who gained 70 pounds after the first pregnancy. I don't give a good cahoot if your wife gained 200 pounds and sports a big, wooly lumberjack beard. You screwed around. Own that. No excuses. Your kids are already witnessing the roles of two crazy people in a marriage. Bad role modeling, to say the least.

Get an attorney. Get your financial ducks in a row. Then file for divorce. Like yesterday. I rarely advocate divorce, but what you and your wife have is not a marriage.

And I'd love to hear her side. You use too many absolutes about her for me to feel what you are saying is completely true. She ALWAYS yells, screams, drinks, acts up, acts out, etc. If she is that awful, then just get the hell out, okay? And with your multiple affairs, you don't sound like any prize either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is another thread on here right now about a woman whose husband has gained a lot of weight and won't lose it. I think it might help you to read it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/346858-sexual-desert-obese-husband.html

I'm not even going to address the state of your marriage. You wife is not here to defend herself. And you have certainly contributed to the mess that is your marriage. 

So... on to your divorce. Due to her inheritance, you probably will not be paying any alimony. And you might not be paying child support either. See if you can get 50% custody. That way your children are with you half the time and you have a good chance to hopefully be a calming influence on them. I would also suggest that you get them into counseling. 

Another thing that you could do is to talk to your lawyer about asking for a custody evaluation. I think that the court has to do that if you ask for it. That way both of you will be evaluated and you will have a chance to tell the evaluators about her BPD, lack of treatment and the way she treats the children. If they see a problem they can do something about it. It did that in my divorce. My husband ended up having to go to 2 years of weekly counseling before the evaluators would allow him 50% custody. He was very angry and abusive. It really helped my son.

.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

There's something fishy here. OP - the title of your thread says you are worried about your kids, and then you wrap it up by asking how you can be assured that the kids aren't in that negativity constantly. Maybe I'm reading between the lines, but are you saying you don't want at least 50/50 custody? Because if she really does yell and call them names and is bipolar, that would be the minimum I'd be seeking if I were in your shoes. Surely you want them with you at least half the time? You never said a word about custody, so I had to ask.


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

I definitely want at least 50/50 custody.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, if your wife is as abusive and unstable as you say, then you should be pushing - hard - for _full_ custody. Or, depending on your state of residence, primary physical custody - so that they live with you full time and she basically gets visitation (every other weekend, or whatever). You aren't likely to get full custody, but you should press for it anyway. As a parent, it's your job to protect your children, and leaving them with someone who is as bad as you describe your wife to be isn't a good option.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is very simple. Divorce. Get individual counseling. Make sure you emphasize during counseling, that you want to focus on how to be a good father. If you ever marry again, focus on how you want to be a good partner.

Your 8th grader will likely need counseling as well. Make sure you are there for this child every step of the way.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Divorce, focus on your kids. 

Think long and hard about your own contributions to the marriage and your wife's anger. Gaining weight is normal in pregnancy, pulling that weight off takes work. What was the timing of your affairs? How did she find out? It's very possible your lies and putting her down contributed to a depressive state that spiraled her down. 

Own your actions, try to be understanding and give her a path to a more positive future. Set the example for your children. I didn't see the genders of your kids. But you are the example to a boy on how he should treat women, and to a girl the way she should be treated. So, if you have girls, ask yourself, is how you treated their mother the way you want them treated?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No offense, but if you were SO worried about your kids, you never would have had "multiple affairs". Sorry.


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> No offense, but if you were SO worried about your kids, you never would have had "multiple affairs". Sorry.


No offense taken. I'm not saying what I did was right, however I AM and have been making an effort to create a better environment for them. I acknowledge and own up to my mistakes, but my wife's mission in life appears to be to make me pay for them daily. Not the environment I want my kids to be in, nor do I want to be in it. EVERY discussion we have ALWAYS circles back to my infidelity. 

At the end of the day, my infidelity had nothing to do with my kids and everything to do with the state of my marriage. I provide a good life for my kids and love them unconditionally. If anything, I was far more pleasant to be around when I was in an affair.


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

Married27years said:


> Your kids are going to be exposed to the negativity because she will have custody of your children. You can move on by not getting back together with her after you separate and file for divorce. You have no legal rights to her inheritance but she now has money so get on her own, so that's to your advantage. Have you talked to her about getting a divorce? If you both agree then it will make it easier and less nasty. I'm sure her negative behavior towards you is related to the affairs you had. Spouses who are cheated on never forget. It doesn't matter how much overweight she is you should have keep your pants on and not cheated. My husband has gained over 100 pounds since we have been married but I love him no matter what. You are too shallow. She will probably blame you for the breakup of your marriage because of the affairs. Be prepared to be labeled the bad guy no matter what her behavior is.


Yeah, I'm always the bad guy, so I'm used to it. We have talked about divorce and agree that we likely need to go that route this time around. That doesn't mean it won't get nasty because her response to divorce is "you're so screwed". I don't want or feel entitled to any portion of her inheritance, so hopefully that will help.


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> SteveSeverin said:
> 
> 
> > *I have had multiple affairs *during the course of our 15yr marriage which I'm not proud of, and we've split up on 3 separate occasions ...
> ...


It IS a daily soap opera and I'm downright exhausted! 

I'm not trying to justify my actions, I own them and admit to my mistakes. Her weight was simply a contributing factor (understanding that it's shallow of me). I'm working on becoming more of a "prize" than I may have been in the past. 

I simply don't see any option other than divorce. No one in our household deserves this sort of environment. 

I appreciate your candid perspective.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

You have good reason to be worried about your children. In a high conflict divorce such as yours, the children are often dragged into the conflict and the wounds they suffer will leave scars that will span generations to come. 

But what can you do? 

Be a good father to your children. End the conflict as quickly and as smoothly as you can. Give her what she wants, which is always money. Get on with your life so you and your children, and your soon to be exwife, can get on with your lives.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Just end it. I ended my pointless marriage of 8 years (2 kids under 6yrs) just recently and being free is like having a second chance to live life. I'm enjoying every day!

The longer you stay married, the more it will cost you (alimony, etc). It is also days/years you can't get back that you wasted with a miserable person.

I gave my ex the house and a bunch of crap. I wanted the kids to stay in the house they've always known. The ex and I get a long so much better now that we only text about the kids and say Hi/Bye when dropping off kids. The first month sucked, letting family/friends know all your dark secrets, but then it got so much better. You can do it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are you shallow? 

As a petrI dish. And like a petri dish there are some vile things brewing within you.

It seems you are a serial cheater who had forgiven yourself for your cheating.

As Mrs Brown would say: "That's nice!"

And your cheating had nothing to do with your children?

Well it did. You cheated on their Mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Are you shallow?
> 
> As a petrI dish. And like a petri dish there are some vile things brewing within you.
> 
> ...


How do you really feel??


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

Yosemite said:


> You have good reason to be worried about your children. In a high conflict divorce such as yours, the children are often dragged into the conflict and the wounds they suffer will leave scars that will span generations to come.
> 
> But what can you do?
> 
> Be a good father to your children. End the conflict as quickly and as smoothly as you can. Give her what she wants, which is always money. Get on with your life so you and your children, and your soon to be exwife, can get on with your lives.


Thanks. I'm not perfect by any means and really just want the best for my kids and their present and future emotional well being.


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Just end it. I ended my pointless marriage of 8 years (2 kids under 6yrs) just recently and being free is like having a second chance to live life. I'm enjoying every day!
> 
> The longer you stay married, the more it will cost you (alimony, etc). It is also days/years you can't get back that you wasted with a miserable person.
> 
> I gave my ex the house and a bunch of crap. I wanted the kids to stay in the house they've always known. The ex and I get a long so much better now that we only text about the kids and say Hi/Bye when dropping off kids. The first month sucked, letting family/friends know all your dark secrets, but then it got so much better. You can do it.


Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's hard to see through all of the noise when you're so deeply engrained in it. I love and care about my wife as a person and want her (and all of us) to be happy.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

SteveSeverin said:


> No offense taken. I'm not saying what I did was right, however I AM and have been making an effort to create a better environment for them. I acknowledge and own up to my mistakes, but my wife's mission in life appears to be to make me pay for them daily. Not the environment I want my kids to be in, nor do I want to be in it. EVERY discussion we have ALWAYS circles back to my infidelity.
> 
> At the end of the day, my infidelity had nothing to do with my kids and everything to do with the state of my marriage. I provide a good life for my kids and love them unconditionally. If anything, I was far more pleasant to be around when I was in an affair.


You need badly need help. You don't seem to own your own mistakes and you do not know that "my infidelity had nothing to do with my kids"

I repeat, get help.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SteveSeverin said:


> How do you really feel??


Be more than happy to chime in here, Steve. You have had multiple affairs and expect your wife to get over it. We have people on TAM who are struggling to forgive their spouses for ONE affair. It takes time. A great deal of time.

But, hey, you realize you are being superficial for not desiring her after she gained 70 pounds. You're not perfect. You've messed up too. But since she is ALWAYS a ranting b!tch, drinking, fat, yelling, arguing, lazy, worthless ... ALWAYS, mind you ... she should shut her yap. After all, the kids are your primary concern. 

Get real. Nobody, including your kids, is your primary concern. YOU are your primary concern.

Sorry, bud. Like it or not, you posts are so incredibly one-sided you are either the consummate narcissist, or this thread is totally bogus.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> But, hey, you realize you are being superficial for not desiring her after she gained 70 pounds.


That's realistic not superficial.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yosemite said:


> That's realistic not superficial.


Read all of his posts in this thread. He's superficial. I stand by my response.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Steve,

YOU created this mess that now your kids are in the middle of: admit it

1. you are shallow enough to complain about your wife but you are a nothing but a shallow self centred human being. You say you should be given credit for the 15 years you supported her, whoopee dee, maybe you should give her credit for putting up for 15 years with your sorry ass, giving birth to your kids and putting up with your affairs

2. your wife is bound to be resentful of you, you have screwed her over enough but minimize your actions. Perhaps her drinking problems started because of your treatment, that is more common than you think, there are always consequences when you mistreat people

3. I think it is better you are our of your kids lives are you are not a good example to them at all, the way you have treated their mother, not a great example to a daughter or a son

4. Get a divorce immediately, be thankful that your wife allows you anywhere near your kids. I hope she gives you what you deserve to be honest.

The way you minimise your own actions and maximise hers is appalling and shows you for what you really are, a cheater who likes to blame everyone else instead of seeing who he really is. Perhaps one day what goes around will come around, it usually does.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I doubt that she'll ever be able to just let the whole multiple affairs thing go. Why either of you even considered getting back together after something that damaging is beyond me. It's never going to go away. I couldn't imagine a day would go by that it's not lurking right there at the front of her mind just waiting for an opportunity to spew forth.

You say she has other mental issues, yet you expect her to be like some sort of Angel of Forgive and Forget when it comes to adultery. How is that a sane expectation?


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

breeze said:


> I doubt that she'll ever be able to just let the whole multiple affairs thing go. Why either of you even considered getting back together after something that damaging is beyond me. It's never going to go away. I couldn't imagine a day would go by that it's not lurking right there at the front of her mind just waiting for an opportunity to spew forth.
> 
> You say she has other mental issues, yet you expect her to be like some sort of Angel of Forgive and Forget when it comes to adultery. How is that a sane expectation?


It's evident that she's simply never going to be able to move beyond the infidelity and it remains at the front of her mind. Even though each time we got decided to get back together, she indicated that I was forgiven and that we could move forward. My expectations were only set by what was agreed upon by both of us. Easier said than done, I suppose?


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> SteveSeverin said:
> 
> 
> > How do you really feel??
> ...


Boy, I must have really struck a nerve deep inside of you with my post!? How dare I post in a public blog about my unfortunate situation in an attempt to get some objective perspective. 

I wasn't seriously asking how you really felt, as that was crystal clear in your first response. Somehow I knew you would happily provide deeper (and angrier) context. 

I never said I was perfect, in fact I admitted to my mistakes and poor decisions. Trying to move forward, for everyone's sake. 

My kids are my primary concern...hence my posting in the first place. I want a healthier and much much happier environment for them. I thought perhaps a forum like this would be insightful to hear from others who may have faced similar challenges and could provide constructive feedback. What I wasn't expecting was someone putting words in my mouth and spewing anger at me because of their own insecurities. To each their own...

Have a wonderful day!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you don't like the answers, simply don't ask the questions. Got it? No, you didn't strike a "nerve" with me. My late husband NEVER cheated on me. Far, far from it. 

You don't understand my response. In fact, you go on the defensive and attempt to view my response as angry and confrontational.

You cheated multiple times on your wife. Sure, she said she forgave you. My guess is she was more interested in you supporting her, which makes her selfish. But like it or not, sticking your penis in multiple women's vaginas, and expecting her to just get over it, shows who you are. Nope, she didn't just get over it and decide to go on.

And I would never in a million years expect you to comprehend my stance. So leave your wife, get custody of your kids, and do what you need to do.

Again - you don't like my answers, just don't ask the questions block me, go to another forum, whatever. The fact you are crap is evident from the fact that you focus on my reaction rather than your behavior.

You don't give a damn that you had multiple affairs. Disgusting. JMO. I'll do ya a favor ... I'll just put you on "ignore."


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

aine said:


> Steve,
> 
> YOU created this mess that now your kids are in the middle of: admit it
> 
> ...


I've admitted my mistakes and poor decisions. Again, trying to move forward definitively for everyone's sake. People are capable of changing...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SteveSeverin said:


> How do you really feel??


Here's a hint for future participation on forums.

If you ask a question which you can reasonably expect to get answers that you do like, the best thing is to never ask the question in the first place.

And here's an interesting one for you. My biology teacher told us this little gem in sex ed one day.

A brother and a sister had a very nasty eye infection.

So they did cultures of the pus and to the doctor's shock the two children had an STD infection of the eyes.

One of the parents was cheating and had caught an STD infection, dried their crotch on the towel and the kids used the same towel to dry their faces.

But luckily the cheating parent knew that their cheating had no impact on their children. Well, except for giving them an STD. of course.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

SteveSeverin said:


> I've admitted my mistakes and poor decisions. Again, trying to move forward definitively for everyone's sake. People are capable of changing...


I tend to think of myself as more even keeled than most here, but I definitely take umbrage to your "poor decisions". What does that even mean? Should I **** that hottie? Hmmm, on one hand, she's hot and my penis is hard. On the other hand, um...she has great tits too! There is no decision to stick your **** in someone. It's called poor character. And that will follow you around forever unless you try to fix what's broken. Decisions seem to imply that you were victim of circumstance. I don't know what happened honey, I was in my towel and I answered the door and she fell on top of me over and over and over. Maybe it was a bad decision to answer the door, I agree with that, but she rang it twice. Ya know?

You want to help your children, fix yourself man. They will know what you did if they don't already. They will either have strong opinions about it or they will be like it. Own it. Not just to your wife, but to yourself. Tell yourself you don't want to be that kind of person anymore. Tell them that too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

Herschel said:


> SteveSeverin said:
> 
> 
> > I've admitted my mistakes and poor decisions. Again, trying to move forward definitively for everyone's sake. People are capable of changing...
> ...


If I completely disregard the first paragraph of your response, your post is actually quite insightful and even bordering on encouraging. Obviously, each scenario was unique in its own way, however the poor decisions were in my not simply saying no. Fixing myself is the key here and I wholeheartedly want things to change for everyone involved.


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> SteveSeverin said:
> 
> 
> > How do you really feel??
> ...


That's an interesting story and certainly puts how cheating could potentially impact children. Fortunately, I'm smart enough to not take such risks. 

Regarding posting in forums, I knew what I was getting into when I posted. I just didn't expect someone putting words in my mouth and coming at me so angrily over my own life situation. I wanted objective and constructive criticism and feedback. If I'm going to make changes, I have to start somewhere...


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

The decision to divorce is never an easy one! Especially if there are children involved, sometimes couples are contemplating divorce but are not quite ready to make that decision so they find that their relationship is in a holding pattern. It lacks closeness and connection but they are not ready to separate. Discernment Counseling is recommended if you find yourself in this position.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Have you ever shown true remorse? Not just regret, but remorse? Opening up all your accounts to her, actions not words, all that? If you want to salvage the marriage, that's what she needs. And then, maybe some of her behavior will change. But it you're going to divorce, get yourself and your children into IC. They will need it. Have a candid conversation with your wife about not demonizing each other in front of the kids. A mediator may be able to help.

Edited to add, even if you don't divorce, get IC for yourself and them.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

SteveSeverin said:


> It's evident that she's simply never going to be able to move beyond the infidelity and it remains at the front of her mind. Even though each time we got decided to get back together, she indicated that I was forgiven and that we could move forward. My expectations were only set by what was agreed upon by both of us. Easier said than done, I suppose?


Imo, forgiveness is an illusion. If a person is seriously hurt by something, they might make a conscious decision not to speak of it, but that doesn't mean they don't get angry/upset every time they think of it. Once enough time has gone by they might slowly stop thinking about it as often, BUT, if you have been repeatedly hurt in the same way, I think any chance of being able to think of it less often just went flying out the window. 

It sounds like she hates you more than she loves you at this point.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

RideofmyLife said:


> Have you ever shown true remorse? Not just regret, but remorse?


Just based on his posts, he has no remorse whatsoever. He's still justifying why he cheated but claiming he's 'owning' it. So big deal, you wrote about it on a message board. That's hardly some kind of personal triumph. 


> My kids are my primary concern...hence my posting in the first place. I want a healthier and much much happier environment for them.


Yeah, that's a bit hard to believe considering you had NO problem gambling away their family security - over and over again with each sleazy affair.

You keep trying to say that your cheating didn't affect your kids. Well it did, because you have a wife who can't forgive you which has created years of resentment and anger and is now leading to divorce. Of COURSE this has affected your kids - every single day.

You really live in Fantasy Land if you don't see that.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

SteveSeverin said:


> If I completely disregard the first paragraph of your response, your post is actually quite insightful and even bordering on encouraging. Obviously, each scenario was unique in its own way, however the poor decisions were in my not simply saying no. Fixing myself is the key here and I wholeheartedly want things to change for everyone involved.


I get that each situation is different, but decisions are all made the same way. Maybe your's didn't happen like that, but does it matter. Just don't tell yourself it wasn't your fault you cheated. Tell yourself it's your fault you didn't try to fix things sooner or didn't leave.

There is no reason why anyone who isn't suffering from some sort of debilitating illness can't collect themselves and work on being a better person. You are the only one there when you close your eyes at night. Just you and yourself. Be happy with that person. Do what you need to do to know that you did things the right way that day. Each day is all that matters. You'll find out that if you do it that way, you'll feel good about your month and year eventually.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SteveSeverin said:


> I've admitted my mistakes and poor decisions. Again, trying to move forward definitively for everyone's sake. People are capable of changing...


Agreed, people ARE capable of changing. However, you minimise your own actions and maximise hers. The only way forward is to take your focus of her and onto yourself. Do what you need to do to be a man of integrity, honesty, uprightness, who listens and walks the talk. Become a man whom your children can look up to. At this point the damage is so great (and I do not think you realize the damage you have done to your wife and family) it is unlikely to ever be fully repaired.
It may be better to just agree to co parent but get a divorce.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This quote says it all


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SteveSeverin said:


> Thanks. I'm not perfect by any means and really just want the best for my kids and their present and future emotional well being.


Then be a stand-up guy, stop whining about what YOU aren't getting, focus on REPAIRING the damage you caused your wife instead of on how YOUR life is now miserable (because of what YOU did), and show your kids a man who admits his crap but then DOES something to make up for it.

THAT is how you set them up for their best well being.

What have you done to make up for any of this?


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## SteveSeverin (Aug 24, 2016)

turnera said:


> SteveSeverin said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks. I'm not perfect by any means and really just want the best for my kids and their present and future emotional well being.
> ...


I've stood up to my mistakes and am trying my absolute hardest to provide a healthy environment for everyone involved.

I suppose I don't really understand what "making up" for any of this means exactly? I mean, I'm doing all of the things I'm supposed to be doing and NOT doing any of the things I'm not supposed to be doing. What else should I be doing??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Spending time trying to get into the mindset of the people you are affecting. In other words, learning to be more empathetic to the others in your life so that any decisions you make are not solely for your own self interest. 

You say you want the best for your kids, yet all your posts are about what YOU want. One thing I tell people is that, once you have kids, you don't get to be selfish anymore. Their needs come first. I'm sure you've heard about women who 'stay for the kids' and keep the family stable until the kids are out, and THEN they make decisions for their own well-being. 

As for making up for what you did, how, exactly, have you changed your wife's life to make it better? Are you aware of her thoughts, feelings, doubts, fears, what's keeping her from feeling at peace?


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