# Someone please give me advice



## lauren121412 (Nov 22, 2013)

Hello, I need some advice. I have been married to my husband for one year. I thought we were soul mates and always were happy and seemed perfect for each other. I had started having my intuition telling me that there was something he was keeping from me and that he may have been unfaithful. He always told me I worry too much and things like that. Anyway, the feelings didn't go away. So, I tried to see if I could log onto his facebook from his phone. I never told him to get off facebook but he wanted to when we got married because it has caused issues with his relationships in the past. Anyway, he had been on for months and lied to my face over and over. He had me blocked and pretended to be single on there. It didn't have him listed as married and not a single pic of us or anything about me. I saw his messages and hes been flirting with other girls he has slept with in the past and telling them that he was single and to call him. He also has been flirting with his ex who knows he is married. He says he never gave a darn about her yet he was telling her he missed her and how she fit in better with his family and how she looked good. He initiated the conversations with her four times over a few months. He told me that sometimes he feels he wished he were single because of the ego boost and rush he gets from flirting with other girls. He hadn't wanted to have intimacy with me in months and always lied and told me he was never in the mood and he didn't know why. but then when I found all this he told me that he has been watching porn for our whole marriage and his sex drive was normal, that he needs something taboo, illicit and new to get aroused. That sex with me became the "same old same old" even though I tried everything to please him. He said he needs to see someone as an object to get aroused sexually. He just needs something new and the porn made him not want me anymore. He said he lusts after other women a lot and it turned him on to flirt with other girls like that. He is now begging to work it out and says he was just an idiot and that he doesn't know why he did all he did. He says hes damaged sexually because he has been with so many people and addicted to porn for so long that he cant get excited by the same person forever. He swears he would never have been actually be able o physically cheat or meet up with these girls but then why would he be seeking them out to entertain it? He says he doesn't know why he kept seeking out his ex and feeding into all the things she had been doing to taunt me. It was like he had no respect or consideration for me at all. I am just so confused because I love him and want to stay but he has lied so much I cannot trust him. he just says what I want to hear and I feel he would say anything to get me to stay. He wont tell the truth till he gets caught. I keep asking him why and he keeps saying he doesn't know and that he is just stupid. why cant he give me a reason? I need to make sense out of it. How can he love me as much as he says and beg me to stay if he didn't love me enough to not publicly disavow me that way and seek out flirting with past sexual partners and tell them hes unattached? What he did was deliberate. He says he has to lose something before he can motivate himself to fix the issue. but this just shows me that my pain wasn't enough to stop him if he will only stop once hes in pain over losing me. All the times I tried to be intimate but was rejected he was choosing to seek after something that excites him more. He said it had been a trigger in his mind to physically cheat because he had been horny. I asked why he didn't seek me out and he just said he doesn't know. How can someone love me and not want me that way and hurt me so much and betray me and lie about so many things. Is there any hope for him and for us? Now I keep starting arguments because im so angry and his response of "I don't know" or "I was just being stupid" don't cut it for me because I cant understand them. He gets angry and says we will work it all out and that he now realizes he wants to be married. It just gave him a lift to talk to other women when he felt moody or depressed.How can he say it was in his mind to cheat but that he could never have actually done it and didn't really want to? How do I deal with this and what are the reasons a man would do and say these things?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First off, let's break up your post so it is readable....



lauren121412 said:


> Hello, I need some advice. I have been married to my husband for one year. I thought we were soul mates and always were happy and seemed perfect for each other. I had started having my intuition telling me that there was something he was keeping from me and that he may have been unfaithful.
> 
> He always told me I worry too much and things like that. Anyway, the feelings didn't go away. So, I tried to see if I could log onto his facebook from his phone. I never told him to get off facebook but he wanted to when we got married because it has caused issues with his relationships in the past. Anyway, he had been on for months and lied to my face over and over. He had me blocked and pretended to be single on there. It didn't have him listed as married and not a single pic of us or anything about me.
> 
> ...


You need to leave. Make him feel the consequences he is asking for.

He needs to change his FB page and loudly public ally proclaim his marriage and his wife are the most important thing in his life! He needs to update his FB page with his daily choices to put his wife first. 

"I have been emotionally cheating on my wife and I will not do that anymore"

"Today I sent my wife flowers because I love her and want her to stay with me."

He needs to STOP all porn, PERIOD!

Once he has done those two things, 1. come out publicly as a married man who was cheating and using FB to cheat, and 2. stopped using porn, then he needs therapy to get his lying cheating ass some insight!

Until he has done those things, you stay out of his life.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Agree with Anon

I also think he needs to see a sex therapist, or a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. 

If he doesn't agree with this you need to leave. 1 year of marriage is not a very long time, the longer you stay married to someone who would not accept or seek help the more your self esteem and self worth will be damaged.

Trust me, I speak from experience.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

lauren121412 said:


> Hello, I need some advice. I have been married to my husband for one year. I thought we were soul mates and always were happy and seemed perfect for each other. I had started having my intuition telling me that there was something he was keeping from me and that he may have been unfaithful.
> 
> He always told me I worry too much and things like that. Anyway, the feelings didn't go away. So, I tried to see if I could log onto his facebook from his phone. I never told him to get off facebook but he wanted to when we got married because it has caused issues with his relationships in the past. Anyway, he had been on for months and lied to my face over and over. He had me blocked and pretended to be single on there. It didn't have him listed as married and not a single pic of us or anything about me.
> 
> ...



Read through the parts that I bolded, over and over and over again. Do some research on how pornography ruins men sexually. Then do some soul searching of your own. Pornography has ruined many a marriages. Ask yourself if this is the was you want to live and the kind of marriage you want. I know you love this man, but he was not honest with you about who he was before he married you. He is not the man you thought he was.

I am truly sorry for your pain


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Leave him and find a man who is sexually healthy, before this one gives you a disease or sucks your soul.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

You know what to do, OP. Move on with your life.


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## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

lauren121412 said:


> He told me that sometimes he feels he wished he were single because of the ego boost and *rush he gets* from flirting with other girls.
> 
> He hadn't wanted to have intimacy with me in months and always lied and told me he was never in the mood and he didn't know why. but then when I found all this he told me that he has been watching porn for our whole marriage and his sex drive was normal, that *he needs something taboo, illicit and new to get aroused*. That sex with me became the "same old same old" even though I tried everything to please him. He said he needs to see someone as an object to get aroused sexually. He just *needs something new* and the porn made him not want me anymore. He said he *lusts after other women a lot and it turned him on to flirt* with other girls like that.


That appears to be a paraphilia. That's similar to being a compulsive gambler; people engage in a certain behavior because it gives them a rush. They chase that feeling. He's probably telling you the truth when he says that he doesn't know why he did it and that he wouldn't actually meet with them in person. If you really want to continue in the relationship then there are things you can do. However, I'm going to be honest with you about what to expect and it may be too much.

Set some ground rules. Without ground rules that you both follow, nothing will change or improve.

To make sensible ground rules you need to understand what is going on. He is chasing that rush and using it to enhance his sexual arousal. The women that he flirts with don't actually mean anything to him. However, this behavior has obviously shorted circuited things because you no longer have mutual sex to strengthen your relationship. You also feel that he is cheating on you. It's okay to feel that way but it's not quite accurate. He's not so much cheating with other women as he is being selfish. That is, his self indulgence is cutting you off from what you need. And, he could also be stringing along other women whom he is only using (and that isn't very nice either).

So, explain that you have sexual needs and that you don't want to stay in the relationship unless he can meet your needs.

No matter what anyone tells you, you can't police his online flirting behavior so don't bother trying. What you actually want to do is limit his sexual behavior to time when he is with you. Tell him he can flirt if he wants to but he is not allowed to masturbate. Now, given that he has a paraphilia, he is going to agree; and then he is going to go behind your back and continue with what he was doing. You need to understand this. He has a paraphilia which you personally cannot fix; and, he is not going to want to change at first. His instinct will be to keep chasing the rush until everything falls hopelessly apart.

So, you need something to redirect his behavior. This would be something that makes it more difficult to continue with the same behavior. This is not like a switch; he won't get fixed overnight. But, if the redirection is good then it will cause him to adapt and change his behavior. I want you to understand this because otherwise if you catch him cheating you'll feel betrayed and hurt. I'm telling you right now that he will cheat until he learns other behaviors. If you catch him, don't engage him. Just leave the room. Now, I understand, if you catch him chatting with some other woman and stroking his manhood, you'd like to wring his neck, you'd like to scream or cry or whatever. Don't do that. Any excitement that you create during this will make it worse. Leave the room without saying anything. If he follows you and wants to talk then you need a delay, perhaps fifteen minutes. You have to let him calm down. Talking to him while he is in an excited state won't do any good. If he doesn't want to talk about it then you still have the ground rules and you can still bump up the consequences a bit if they aren't high enough. But, mainly just remember that it won't change overnight.

So, if this isn't too overwhelming, what do you do for redirection? I would probably try a boxing behavior. Boxing in this case refers to being boxed in, in other words, limiting what he can do. I assume that you know what his normal sex drive is. Let's say that he would typically masturbate twice a week. So, you tell him that you will set aside a time for him to masturbate with you there. And, this cannot involve display on your part. In other words, you can't dress up like a hooker with spiked heels and fishnet stockings. Why? Because he has a paraphilia and you can't feed a paraphilia. It's like a bucket with a hole in it; it will never get full. A gambler never reaches a point where he says, "Okay, that's enough gambling; I'll stop for now." If you try to display to arouse him then you are just chasing that same unreachable goal with him. My suggestion would be that you keep your clothes on. And, you have him masturbate. You also cannot let him use any other erotic material like magazines or movies. It has to be just him.

Now, we know what will happen. He will say that he isn't aroused and can't do it. So, you say that he has to remain on the bed naked and doing nothing else until either he does masturbate with you watching or a set amount of time has elapsed. This can be changed of course but I might start with two hours. So, what will happen? If he keeps flirting and masturbating behind your back then he ends up essentially in time out unable to masturbate when you are there. Again, you cannot stop him from going behind your back but you can create consequences which make it less attractive. Again, don't do anything that involves display. This includes dressing sexy, talking explicitly, and role playing. Things that involve his body are better but you might say that he has to do something special for you on your day before you will do that for him. This does have the advantage that he might also want you to do it on your day (and then of course it would be mutual). What you cannot give in on is the idea that he could expect you to please him with you getting nothing. Don't chase his arousal; let him come to yours. Is having to wait for two hours a couple times a week enough of a consequence? Maybe not, but you would know better than I would. If you think it needs to have something added then add it. It needs to be a good push, not something really harsh or too lax.

Now, on the times when he is supposed to please you sexually, I suggest you begin with him fully clothed. As a ground rule, I would suggest that he has to ask you before he can do anything on his own. Remember, it's about you. Take whatever you need. Have him give you a massage or perhaps perform oral on you. He may not want to. If that happens then just use a vibrator. And, during the time that you want sex, you can be undressed. Remember that when you need sex, he has to be there even if he doesn't participate. When he is supposed to masturbate then you must be there. If he masturbates when you aren't watching then it doesn't count. If he leaves when you are masturbating then that is a violation (which should have a consequence). If the redirection is sufficient then he will stop masturbating in secret and his normal libido will kick in and he'll want to do more with you. That's the goal. If it doesn't work then you can either increase the consequence or you can call it quits.

I would probably suggest a couple of other things. You should probably have one special activity per week that he likes. This would be something that the two of you do together and it has to be non-sexual. It could be almost anything from you giving him a massage to the two of you doing a jigsaw puzzle. It just needs to be something he likes, something that you do together, and something that doesn't involve sex.

Secondly, he'll probably need something to replace the rush. These are typically unusual things like climbing a rock wall or skydiving, something that makes the heart race. Another thing that can help with coping (because this process can be stressful) is physical activity, something that gets you out of breath. This could even be walking if you have a hill to go up.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

He sound like he has serious entitlement issues to me.
His behavior has hit your self esteem really hard.
Has he asked you for help with his problem?
If not , work on regaining your self respect , and move on.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

He's a cheater.. A hard core cheater.. 

Run, don't walk away from this one.. He is damaged goods, and will do nothing but break you in the process. 

You sound young. If I can give you one piece of advice, it would be this.. Love and relationships ARE work.. But they are not BACK BREAKING, GRUELING work, like this man will be.. 

If he has the issues he says he does (and I seriously doubt it, he's just a cheater, in my opinion), then he needs help. SERIOUS psychiatric help. Help that YOU are not qualified to give. 

And until he gets that help, all he can do is hurt you. 

So.. Let him go, let him get help.. Maybe in several years, with said serious psychiatric help, he will be a good fit for you.. Until that time, RUN. 

This is NOT your problem to fix. Say that out loud. Again. And again and again. Until you believe it.. If he's saying all this.. I'd be VERY worried about what you WILL find.. 

This is only the tip of the iceberg with that one.. 

I'm sorry.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I was married to a man much like your husband, yet it was our first marriage.

He fooled around over and over..lied to me about it, and I forgave him because I blamed myself. I thought maybe I wasn't a good wife and maybe I asked for too much.

The time came when it was just too much to handle. Trust is a big issue and it became very hard for me to trust him no matter where he was and I finally filed for divorce.

Of course he didn't want one, but I couldn't do it anymore. Living with a man I couldn't trust was just too much for me.

The hardest thing about it was..he was and always will be such a nice guy..yet a guy that just couldn't keep his pants on.

Once the trust is gone...there's no getting it back. Again, I'm a very forgiving person BUT...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Or...

You could lock that junk up until you say it's okay to play!

http://keptforher.com/****cage.html


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