# Can a lady please describe my wife's behavior



## llns (Aug 25, 2017)

We have not been married for very long, not even a year. When we were dating she was very affectionate and loving. We held hands, we kissed, we hugged, we gave each other notes. Sexually we were very active and it felt like a true connection emotionally and physically.

All that has ended about two months ago. She tells me that I am unattractive to her because of an incident where I got mad at her for making a decision without me. She decided she no longer wanted to have a child and went on birth control. I've had a life long dream of having a child and she knew that. I was hurt so bad by her making that decision I got mad and told her to sleep downstairs and I didn't want to be around her. That's the back story to why she says she's mad and what I did to become unattractive.

My question is though, why would she stop the affection, stop the love, and especially stop the sex? All of these things together in my mind are binders of a man and a women. It's how I show I care. It's been difficult to handle, I don't know if it's ever going to change. I asked her recently if we could start showing more affection and she said she's still mad.

I have two concerns, does this mean she will not get over this or has she already decided she's done and is going other places to get love and sex.

Thank you for any input or perspectives.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

How do you act when mad? Is there any intimidation or yelling? Name calling?

Why did you tell her to sleep downstairs? It's her bed too, whichever one wants to not be around the other should be the one leaving it though I don't think it's productive to do it. 

Did she say what changed her mind about having a baby? She may be feeling like it's not going to work out with you so she first decided to not have a baby and is now deciding to withdraw even more before she eventually leaves. 

Other than affection being good before, how are the other areas of the marriage? Other bad fights? Chore and household division? Money?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

llns said:


> All that has ended about two months ago. She tells me that I am unattractive to her because of an incident where I got mad at her for making a decision without me. She decided she no longer wanted to have a child and went on birth control. I've had a life long dream of having a child and she knew that. I was hurt so bad by her making that decision I got mad and told her to sleep downstairs and I didn't want to be around her. That's the back story to why she says she's mad and what I did to become unattractive.


Frequently, people pretend to be someone they are not to lure a mate in. Then there true colors come out. Consider this a BLESSING friend. You are technically in the "honeymoon" phase and she has already turned on you?!? Better to find out NOW before you bring a child into this world. Dump her NOW. If she comes to her senses before the divorce is finalized maybe you can work something out, otherwise RUN before you REALLY become trapped.


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## llns (Aug 25, 2017)

I am very passive so when I get mad I usually just want to talk it out. This time is was so painful I actually yelled "Thanks for taking a life long dream away from me, do you realize what you just have done to me?" and then I said turned the lights out and said I don't want to be around her and she should go sleep downstairs. 

She said she was tired of trying to have a child because she hated giving up running, alcohol and caffeine. She said she felt like she gave up her life to have a child. During our time of her trying I did what I could to help out, I told her to keep running, got her half/caff drinks, she would have wine every now and then. And all the things she gave up were her rules brought on herself. I wanted her to be happy because I wanted it to be a special time for us both.

We actually work very well and are accepting of each other in other parts of the marriage. Money is not an issue, religion, not a problem, we usually disagree then find what works for us both and then go on about life. We are pretty laid back for the most part.

BetrayedDad, I have had others tell me the same thing and I have tried to have hope that it's not just the honeymoon period being over but realistically I have to think about that. I know her parents were not very touchy feely people and I wondered if that she either broke that learning or maybe secretly was just hiding her non-touchy side.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

How long were you guys TTC? Infertility problems? Sounds like she went crazy overboard with cutting things out and stopping her life to try to make a baby. 

Any other big changes? Going out more? On her phone more? New friends? Etc

Honestly unless she was having a hard time emotionally from infertility problems I don't see that one thing being worth 2 months of being upset.

Just giving up trying to have a baby, not a break for a bit and try again? That's a huge choice for a couple to make together. I understand your anger about it and think it's great you can keep yourself under control.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like you got rope-a-doped.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Bait 'n switched


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

IMO this is more than just acting like she liked sex to get married and then turning it off. Going back on birth control and stopping trying to have a baby without discussing it with her husband seems more like a ready to leave or maybe is looking at someone new.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you absolutely want kids and she doesn't then it simply is just a deal breaker. Tell her that you two aren't compatible and part ways amicably. No need to fight and get all worked up over it. Remember she didn't take your "lifelong dream" away; the dream still exists only now she's just not going to be blessed to be a part of it.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

If ya'll were newly married why is your "lifelong dream" gone if you stop TTC for a while? Did she say she never wanted a child or just to stop trying then? 

Other than that, she should have discussed going back on the pill with you if you were both a part of the "let's get pregnant" discussion. Did you pressure her to have a kid once you got married? Trying to understand context.

It is her body, so if she felt like she was being pressured by you she has the right to do with it what she wishes, but discussing things with you is also necessary to be an equal part of the relationship.


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## llns (Aug 25, 2017)

Thank you everyone for your input. Emotions are a beast and I have beaten my head over and over trying to get a read on this. 

We were trying to have a kid every since we were married.

I really hate to think that she would do so much and be so loving to begin with and so quickly let that go. But it happens and it does seem more like she's going other places to get what she needs. I want to live in fantasy land and not think that and that's why I have asked for opinions because I wanted to see if that was any other reason for her to act like that.

It's so sad. I would do anything for her. It's pretty painful at the moment.


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## llns (Aug 25, 2017)

She is 35 and has in the past said she doesn't want to try much longer after a year because of complications of kids at a later age in life. So knowing how long it takes to try again after going on the pill and going off it, timewise it's pretty much over for trying.

I agree it's her body and I always believe in her health first. It's more the pain of saying she decided when it was both our decision to try together. It felt like a betrayal.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Honestly I would be the same if my husband yelled at me and told me to go sleep on the couch.

It's my house too and my bed.

However I wouldn't just decide to go on birth control without saying. 
It is her choice through. It's her body that has to go through it and it is quite likely that when actually looking into it she realised how constricting it is.

Life as she (and you) knows it will be over. That is a massive thing and it sounds like she freaked.

You yelling at her would have cemented in her mind not to have a kid. 

Wait. Talk it through calmly. Chances are she may not change her mind.

She hasn't taken anything from you. She has delayed it. She may change her mind again.
Or you might split and find someone who really wants kids.

Do you love her? Is not having kids a complete deal-breaker? 

I cannot imagine not loving my husband if he didn't want kids (even before we had one).




llns said:


> My question is though, why would she stop the affection, stop the love, and especially stop the sex?.



Seriously? You yelled at her that she, basically had ruined your life and told her to sleep on the couch... like a dog.
She is mad at you. And you expect affection???

And say she must be getting it elsewhere?!

Mate you are not mature enough to have a kid.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It could be that she went on birth control because she's sleeping with someone else, and that guy doesn't want to have kids. People don't just shut down over one argument, even telling her to sleep downstairs, if you've apologized etc...that wouldn't be enough to just do a 180 on you and never sleep with you again. Why is she on birth control if she's not sleeping with you? Maybe ask her that.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> It could be that she went on birth control because she's sleeping with someone else, and that guy doesn't want to have kids. People don't just shut down over one argument, even telling her to sleep downstairs, if you've apologized etc...that wouldn't be enough to just do a 180 on you and never sleep with you again. Why is she on birth control if she's not sleeping with you? Maybe ask her that.




She went on bc BEFORE she shut down because she decided se didn't want a child.

She shut down because of how he treated her when he found out.

ETA: and we only know about one argument. Maybe his need for a child has him talking about t all the time? Maybe she is overwhelmed? Or maybe she reacted at the same level he did- he overreacted so now she is too

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She never wanted to have a kid. She pretty much said that earlier[?].

She gave him lip service and played the game.

She is not into children... some women are not. She may have never gone off birth control.

She is not into you that much..the chemistry is missing.

She may have settled for you.

Too many possibilities in this situation and post.

Need more info and perspective.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Learning your spouse changed the plan to have a child together without discussing it with you is huge. I don't think he overreacted. One lash out over it is not 2 months of withholding worthy. 

He didn't yell or throw things or call her names. Had the fight gone that way I could see attraction loss happening but what he did is fairly tame considering what a big deal it is. 

There has to be something more to her stopping TTC so suddenly. She didn't have to stop running or drinking coffee, that's silly.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

It is time to let go of this relationship. Absolutely do not have a child with her. 
You sound like you might have been an arse about this. I do understand but she has made her decision.. She is not going to have children with you anytime soon.

Regardless of how the resentment and disgust started. This is what she feels now. 

If you want to continue trying to save this marriage see a marriage counsellor to help with communication and deal with the long standing issues that brought you both to this point. Please don't prolong the pain and stay together hoping it will get better without some honest communication.
Personally I would bail out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is beyond the scope of strangers on the internet and will require professional counseling/therapy to resolve, if it can be resolved at all. 

To conceive and bring forth offspring is a very deep personal and even instinctive thing. Some of the feelings of hurt and betrayal and disappointment and pressure can run very deep here. 

Were you treating her like breeding stock? Were you managing and micromanaging her diet and her exercise and daily habits? We you treating her like a breeding stock animal being used for production? 

Did you pressure her to bear offspring and then showed disappointment in her and showed her blame for not conceiving?

All of these things can make a woman's affection and attraction for you turn off cold on a dime. 

This is all a very sensitive issue for each of you and there is no room for error here. 

This was not an argument over who empties the dishwasher or who's job it is to change the oil in her car. This is a conflict that goes clear to the core of the human psyche. 

You may have made her feel like a stock animal and a failure as a stock animal at that. 

And she may have made you feel rejected and unworthy and unwanted right down to your very DNA. 

This is not something that internet strangers will be able to resolve. This will require professional intervention and even then it may not be successful.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You said she was 35, how old are you? 

If your life dream is to have children, why did you marry a 35 year old woman that was ambiguous at best about having kids?????????????

Are you attractive enough to attract a younger woman that does want to have children and a family?


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Learning your spouse changed the plan to have a child together without discussing it with you is huge. I don't think he overreacted. One lash out over it is not 2 months of withholding worthy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Ah yes he did yell- he said it himself 

It doesn't matter what we think or how we feel. How do you know he didn't call her names btw (not saying he did)?




llns said:


> I am very passive so when I get mad I usually just want to talk it out. This time is was so painful I actually yelled "Thanks for taking a life long dream away from me, do you realize what you just have done to me?" and then I said turned the lights out and said I don't want to be around her and she should go sleep downstairs.






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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

LaReine said:


> Ah yes he did yell- he said it himself
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, wrong wording. I meant "yelling" as in throwing a fit, swearing and being intimidating. More than just one sentence. I was with my ex too long. "Yelling" meant hours of being yelled at in my face. 
Yelling one sentence isn't "yelling" in my mind.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Yes, wrong wording. I meant "yelling" as in throwing a fit, swearing and being intimidating. More than just one sentence. I was with my ex too long. "Yelling" meant hours of being yelled at in my face.
> 
> Yelling one sentence isn't "yelling" in my mind.




That's just the wording he gave though and tbh it would have been enough for me. 

ETA: sending her to the couch ffs


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

LaReine said:


> That's just the wording he gave though and tbh it would have been enough for me.
> 
> ETA: sending her to the couch ffs
> 
> ...


To be mad for 2 months? Because of a fight where she decided to no longer have a child without even discussing it with him? 

If my partner went and got a vasectomy while we were TTC without even talking to me about it, I'd be pissed. Or if he bought a new house or decided to quit his job and be a sahd. Choices that need discussion. 

At this point she either needs to get over this one argument or leave.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

So she cut off sex, went on birth control and is still taking the birth control?

I'm no detective, but someone is getting the benefit of the BC and it's not you. She's clearly having an affair on you. A woman isn't going to just end a marriage, cut off all sex, and turn off all emotions and contact over one fight or perceived slight, that's insane. They WILL do this if they're screwing someone else, basically every time, it's their way of dealing with the guilt, invent all these things you did, or amplify little fights to justify what they're doing.

You don't have a kid, newly married, get out of there, there's no reason to even try to make this work, she's gone, let her go do what she wants to do, I'm sure she'll be very happy at 40, Xanax cocktailed, childless, and moving from man to man desperate to find perfection.

And at 35 the odds of her conceiving and going full term and delivering a healthy baby get exponentially worse. If you want kids, partner with someone a little (or a lot) younger.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's not exponentially worse. Advanced maternal age is one factor of many. A lot more woman are waiting until 30s to have babies. 
But I agree she may be cheating or at least wanting out of the marriage and if kids are important to him he should leave now. 

https://www.self.com/story/high-risk-pregnancy-what-women-35-over-need-to-know


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Seems like a bait and switch however before you married her did you talk in detail about your desire for kids? Have you been pushy about this topic since you got married? If so this might have turned her off completely, it's a bit like men who have to perform when the wife is fertile to have kids, they get really fed up and it often destroys marriages. Have you taken this into consideration, yelling at her also sounds like you basically want her to be a baby incubator, I wonder how much of that is conveyed in your behaviour towards her. if my H acted like that towards me just after getting married I would be having second thoughts about whether I wanted to stay with him. First pregnancy then the kid would come before the marriage. You sound level headed her but is there more to this than is conveyed here?


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's not exponentially worse. Advanced maternal age is one factor of many. A lot more woman are waiting until 30s to have babies.
> But I agree she may be cheating or at least wanting out of the marriage and if kids are important to him he should leave now.
> 
> https://www.self.com/story/high-risk-pregnancy-what-women-35-over-need-to-know


Your odds of having a baby with down syndrome are about 1:2000 at age 25 and 1:100 at age 40. Chromosomal abnormalities increase exponentially once a woman hits 35-40, after 40 it's extremely difficult having a healthy baby, it's also much tougher to conceive. Just because more women are having babies in their 30's doesn't mean our biology has changed. Biologically, women conceive the healthiest babies around 25 and younger. 

If your "dream" is having children, marrying a 35 year old woman is probably a non-starter. Could take years to get pregnant, then all the tests for chromosomal abnormalities and possible abortions due to those results, then you have IVF, more tests... Easier to just conceive with a woman at a more healthy child bearing age.


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## llns (Aug 25, 2017)

We talked a lot about having kids together before we got married. She wanted another child of her own. By the way she has two children already from her previous marriage. Which I have been helping raise. To the one person that commented I am not mature enough to raise kids? Well I have been for two years now and they call me father by their own choice. I believe that says all it needs too.

I did not treat her like a incubator but just the opposite. I quick drinking alcohol, caffeine, I went with her to her midwife visits to help figure things out with her. I was 100% supportive. Having a child is something two people do, not one and I would never treat a women like she was simple a baby holder.

As far as yelling, yes I yelled the one line that I mentioned. That was it. I do not get into yelling matches, that's for high school kids.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Have you had a chance to talk with her again about it? It really is a HUGE marital choice that you should have been involved in. Ultimately she can decide no baby, that's her choice but you should have been informed and now you need to make the choice if you'd stay or not. 

I don't see a reason for her to be mad at you for so long about what you yelled. Pretty normal response to such a big blow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

llns said:


> She is 35 and has in the past said she doesn't want to try much longer after a year because of complications of kids at a later age in life. So knowing how long it takes to try again after going on the pill and going off it, timewise it's pretty much over for trying.
> 
> I agree it's her body and I always believe in her health first. It's more the pain of saying she decided when it was both our decision to try together. It felt like a betrayal.


If she wants a child then at 35 she would be mad to go back onto birth control as time is running out. If she doesnt, then she needs to be honest.


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## llns (Aug 25, 2017)

She's been very distant and actually even having a normal conversation with her has been hard to get. Even a hello how's your day only gets a one word response. I didn't want to push this, just let her decide when to come and talk to me. 

Thank you because yes, this is a huge marital decision, I feel it's second to getting married, to have a family. 

I have talked with a counselor without her so far and the recommendation was to wait but set a date of how long can I go with this behavior before I've had enough. I truly want to stay with her, I didn't marry her just because. But I also know that I deserve to be happy.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Allow her to get away with this without consequences and you can expect a lifetime of using sex and affection to control you. 


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