# Staying Together for the Children?



## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I have been thinking about the one reason I hear the most that I should stay with my husband, and that is for the children. I started another thread that talked about my marriage problems. I will put it into this thread as well:

I have been married over 15 yrs., have been a stay at home wife and mother, and basically done all the "wifely duties" that I am supposed to do. My husband and I have major problems, and I don't seem to be able to foster any loving feelings toward him, and I despise and endure his touch. Now for you to understand my situation, you understand when a woman is a stay at home mom, she doesn't have her "own money." Just her husbands. 

"From the beginning of our marriage, he is been so overbearing and controlling when it comes to money. It started right from the get-go. We would go to the store for some groceries (or whatever), and he would give me the money to buy them, and when I returned to the car or returned home, he would want the change back. Just like if someone's child went into a store to buy something, and when they came back, the parent would ask for the change back. That was before we had any credit cards. After we got credit cards, even though I do use them, it is not without great care. I have dealt with his "reaction" for years if I bought something he didn't think was an absolute necessity. "What did you get that for? You didn't need that did you? Etc. I guess for me to get something for myself must be the worst crime. Well, because of how he is about money, and how he reacts, I have learned to simply NOT spend money b/c he has made it clear that I am not allowed to. So for years I have told him he should GIVE me money. That way if I wanted something for myself, I would have the money to buy it. OR if we were out somewhere with the kids, and they got hungry or thirsty, I could buy them something. But, he would use the excuse "You have credit cards and a checkbook." Then, I would point out to him that I can't use them b/c of how mad he gets and the fits he throws. The only times that I have actually had money in my pocket or bought myself something that cost more than a few dollars is because his mom is so gracious to give me money for Christmas and on my birthday. For years, those are the only 2 times I actually have money in my pocket.

We were married in 1991 and bought a new house in 2003. I wanted to buy some nice things to put on the walls, so I was at a Home Interior Party. I thought to myself, I have NEVER spent even $100 on myself at one time in over 10 years of marriage, so surely it would be ok to now. So I bought over $100 of Home Interior to put on the walls. What do you think happened when he found out? You guessed it! He got so mad, and was throwing a fit, and wanted to know if I could cancel the order. I lied and said NO. In my heart when he reacted in that way, it hurt me so deeply, it was literally like a knife stabbed me. I had a very sharp chest pain, and thought "he loves money, but doesn't love me." 

Now you need to understand something else to get the clear picture. I can understand when people are poor, and they need that money to pay bills, that a husband would get very angry if the wife spent it. But that is entirely not the case here. We have NEVER needed money. We have always had plenty in the bank, and we have been able to pay for things like buying a car, and pay for it in full without having to take out a loan. AND, I know this will come as a surprise to many, but we have bought our house, and when we did so we paid for it in full! So if we can afford to pay cash for cars, and a house, and STILL have money in the bank...well, then surely I can afford to buy some Home Interior for the walls. Surely I can spend some money on myself once in awhile. But he has made it clear by his actions, that money is more important than his wife. 

I have told him, I would rather be in debt than to be in a miserable marriage. He has destroyed my feelings for him. The worst is that this has went on for 10, 12, 15, and more years. I have talked to him, and it has done no good. Years of years of being treated that way. Years and years of my trying to talk to him about this, and he has ignored me and ignored me. He is not a communicator. I have sat on the foot of the bed, trying to talk to him. Trying to speak in a calm voice, and not be a nag, but try to show him the problem in this situation. And all he does is ignore me. He keeps his face in the book he is reading, like I am not even there, and like he doesn't hear me saying a word. And the worst is that after I said what I have said, nothing changes. It is literally like he never heard it. Like I never said it.

So after 18 years of marriage, I decided that he ISN'T going to change. So if things are going to change, I will have to change it for myself. I started working, and now I can't stop. I have a desparate need... I mean, I am consumed with the desire to make enough money that I would never have to need or want another dollar from him. I want to be completely independent, and so on.

I once told him that we need marriage counseling. I told him that for several months. But he figured that going to marriage counselor would cost him some of his precious money, so we never went.

Now, it's no longer constant nagging and resentment spewing at him. I have withdrawn from him mentally and emotionally. I no longer tell him what I think. I speak to him as little as possible so that I can avoid the pain of being ignored. Because of the hurt, because we have no communication, I am no longer physically interested in him. I feel like if he wants sex that he wants to get out of the marriage what HE wants. While he has never cared to give me what I want.

We have children, and I do not see how our marriage is going to get better. I feel like it is only going to get worse. I feel like it is irrepairable. I do not love him, all I see is a stingy, selfish man, who can't even talk about problems when I try to bring them up. And absolutely CAN'T do anything or is not willing to change them.

I honestly think if he changed now, that it would do no good, that the problems are so long been left unresolved that I could not love him now even if he did try. 

I am told to stay together for the sake of the kids. And I don't make enough money to live on my own either. But how can someone stay in a marriage where I feel soon we won't even be sleeping in the same room? 
If we did get marriage counseling now, would it even help? I feel like our marriage can't be fixed, that it is too late, that the damage is irrepairable."

No I will tell you the two reasons that I haven't already left: Number 1, I do not have the money to live on my own. And Number 2, the children. 

Now I have been thinking about that second reason alot, for I do believe if I had the money, I would have already left. I am thinking about the advice I have been given to stay together for the children. I have come to a couple of conclusions on this advice. First of all, when someone tells me to stay together for the kids, I believe they AREN'T helping me solve any problem. What they ARE doing is asking me to stay married, remain unhappy, accept the terrible situation, and live with it anyway. How does that help anyone? 

Also, staying together "for the kids," and NOT to work out the problems, and make the marriage better, is NOT best for the kids. Kids should not have to go through the divorce of their parents. But kids shouldn't have to live with parents who hate each other either. When parents cannot or will not work out their problems. Or when the couple's problems just can't be worked out for whatever reason, that hurts the kids too. Then the children are living in a disfunctional home life, and learning all the WRONG things to do in a marriage. They then will carry these problems into their own marriage. Thus, they will not know how to fix their problems, or work to have a good marriage, because their parents never learned how. 

I know divorce is not good for the kids, and can cause them lasting harm. But for them to be in a home where the parents have a horrible marriage and can't work out their problems is probably just as harmful. 

I ask you what do you think about staying together for the sake of the kids?


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

In you case, I think that your kidds are big enough to deal with parents' divorce. you don't need to live for them anymore. live for yourself. as a house wife, as a woman, I understand what you talk about here and I don't agree on the way he treats you. yes, he is the one who brings money home, but you are the one stays at home, backs him up, raises children for him, does house chore for him, you have half of whatever he brings home. it's not only his money, it's yours too.


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## Worf (Sep 14, 2010)

you do realize that if you do get a divorce that half of everything will go to you right? assuming your husband is well off you should be getting a decent amount - enough to buy a car and put a down payment on a house. 

you really ought to talk to a lawyer


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## JMak00 (Jul 24, 2010)

If your husband is willing to work on these issues and if you think you could rediscover the love you once had for him should he and you successfully work on these issues...then there's a reason to stay and pursue. 

I am coming from the angle where I've so neglected my wife that she has fallen out of love with me and doesn't know if she can be anything other than parents with me. But, I have chosen to accept and own responsibility for my actions and behavior and to get help. She's recognized this. Hence, we're talking, we're laughing, she's interested in what I'm doing, and offers to help do things. Big changes and shows that what I am doing is at least making it easier for her to engage me. 

Staying for the sake of the kids is unfair to you and ultimately unfair to the kids. But if you think there's a shred of opportunity to fix things, rediscover your partner, and be happy in that type of marriage...then do pursue that for you and your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Staying together for the kid's sake is not usually healthy, particularly when the parents fight and re-hash everything all the time. As long as it is an environment that will not effect your children and you can calmly discuss issues in private without everyone in the house hearing, then it might work out.


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## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Firstly, children living with both the father and mother are not better off than other children. What matters is how kids are raised not who raises them. 

I know you feel you can't afford to leave, I have been at the same place and endured my husband because of the fact that I can't afford to live alone. But not any more. Just like you I will do all I have to to be independent, but I also realise there is no hope for any relationship so I am ending the marriage while I reach for independence.

It has already been said that half of everything you have is yours. In fact, half of the house you live in now is yours and you said it's already paid off. Then there's alimony, or spousal support, and child support. Surely if you raised the kids you will have them with you as the home base.

You do need to seek the advice of an attorney. The money your husband makes is not HIS. It's both of yours. If nothing else see it as a paycheck for all the housewifey things you do, which are so underappreciated by so many. (but not all though) Use the credit card or a check and give enough to an attorney for a retainer. The attorney can then let you know what your RIGHTS are. The reason for the retainer is so that if you realise then or at some later point that you do need to divorce then you have already secured your legal advice and the attorney will be sitting and waiting for you to help YOU.

You are not your husband's slave. I advise you should take what's rightfully yours. If your husband is anything like mine then talking to him about this will cause him to tell you why he is right and you are wrong and he'll say all he can think of to put you down and make you feel unworthy and it's just not worth the bother! But you know him, I do not, I can only relate with how my husband makes me feel.

Best of luck to you.


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