# Trying to get him to Trust



## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

Hello All, 
I made a huge mistake about 3 months ago, it was a one time thing and my husband and I have been trying to work on things ever since. He found out about 2 months ago and we have our ups and downs, over all we have been doing well. I have been open and honest letting him read everything and just making sure he knows what is going on and trying to rebuild our trust but right now the biggest issue is he thinks I am lying about details. I have told him everything but he refuses to believe it just happened once, or that there wasnt something more there. I dont know what to do. I have answered every question and detail he has asked but he doesnt believe me, I understand why (because I had been lying during and after when he asked me about it initially). But I want to know how I can get him to believe me about what happened. What should I do?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Was it an physical?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Ugh! My stupid brain!!!

Was it physical?


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## Button25 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hi SavingUs! The best I think you can do at this point is continue talking with him if he has questions, even if it's the same one reworded. I have been on the same end as him and most of the time when something happens like that I think most people become insecure about how they are percieved by the other person and if they really do feel the way they do about them. Continue to be open it helps a lot and it's going to take some time. Try going to a counseling session maybe find some excercises to help him get out exactly how he feels and how it has effected him, and what he really needs from you to help. Good luck! I hope that helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

Yes it happened one time, I just put myself in the wrong place I should have stopped it but didnt. I felt discusted afterward and didnt speak to the OM for some time and then tried to talk to him about it but never did. My husbands biggest issue is that I was trying to talk to him after, before my Husband knew what happened. I wanted to talk to the OM so I could tell him not to tell anyone and that was it I was so discusted with the whole situation that I figured if no one knew then it never happened (I know stupid). My husband found out a month after and his biggest problem is he doesnt believe it was a one time thing and doesnt understand why I would try and see him after the affair happened, when my husband found out it had been almost a month since I had spoken or seen the OM.


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

Thank you Button, but the problem I have now is not the question but the badgering and the yelling about it. I have been completely open and all I get is called a liar and then all the details I told him smoshed in my face over and over. I cant be tortured but I want to fix it. I dont know how to get him to believe me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You have to maintain no contact with the OM. I had an emotional affair. Keep doing what you have been doing, and stay near him at all times. Keep showing remorse. Hopefully you two can recover.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How did your husband discover your affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Button25 (Oct 18, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Button25 (Oct 18, 2011)

Ah, I see. It sounds like he isn't ready to believe you yet or rather, forgive you. He's still grappling with the event and angry. You have told him everything, it may just take time and a whole lot of reinforcement for him. I agree with a previous reply to show remorse, I know it is hard when you are honestly trying to show the other and fix things and all they do is yell and bring it up over and over. It sounds like he wants you to feel how much it hurt him by rehashing it all the time. It may be his way of coping. Hurtful none the less. Maybe try asking him what it is he wants/needs you to do to feel secure and trust you. Just a thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SavingUS said:


> Hello All,
> I made a huge mistake about 3 months ago, it was a one time thing and my husband and I have been trying to work on things ever since. He found out about 2 months ago and we have our ups and downs, over all we have been doing well. I have been open and honest letting him read everything and just making sure he knows what is going on and trying to rebuild our trust but right now the biggest issue is he thinks I am lying about details. I have told him everything but he refuses to believe it just happened once, or that there wasnt something more there. I dont know what to do. I have answered every question and detail he has asked but he doesnt believe me, I understand why (because I had been lying during and after when he asked me about it initially). But I want to know how I can get him to believe me about what happened. What should I do?


Trust was destroyed. You know this. Once lost it is not something that comes back quickly. Three months is a very short time. 

It is very common for the WS to trickle truth. You tried to cover it up so why would he just believe you? He believed that you would never do this to begin with. He has to wonder if this is the only time you have done this, not only with this guy but with others. I understand you want to start the healing but if there is more truth to this holding back is likley to backfire. His world is likely turned upside down.

How this was discovered is important. Most WSs will only admit to what has been absolutely proved and no more.

Right now he has to be skeptical of everything you are saying and everything you have ever said. The marriage will have to be re-created anew. The old marriage is gone. So he is going to have to come to grips with this.

Also the way you describe it you have boundary issues. The unfaithfulness began not when you had sex with this guy but in putting yourself in the bad situation to begin with. If you are honest with yourself you will admit that this was not the first time you put yourself in a bad situation.

At some point you need to do His Needs Her Needs and discuss, define and agree on proper boundaries. This will go some way in the trust area.

You cannot forgive someone until you know the whole of what you are forgiving them for. He is struggling with this.

You made a choice. You can call it a mistake but it was not an accident. You did not slip and fall on top of anyone. What is the actual background here? Who was the OM and what lead to this "mistake"? Did you go to his house? What were the circumstances? That can play into the whole trust thing. There is usually something inappropriate, then unfaithful and then that can blossom into full blown cheating. Was this a ONS with a relative stranger or was this an EA that turned into a PA? It matters.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Part of the healing process towards trust is that the BS will often ask the same questions again and again. Part of that is to check for story changes and part stems from disbelief. It will be quite a long time before he gets most of the trust back and in truth he may never 100% believe the story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You cannot "get" him to believe you and you cannot "get" him to trust you.

He will have to trust you and believe you all on his own. You can certainly do things to help him rebuild what was lost -- by being accountable, showing him your phone/email, anything that he asks, being transparent, honest, going to marriage counselling and showing him through ACTIONS that you are not lying and you are not covering up anything. If you haven't aplogized and truly empathized with him, now is a good time.

Do not have any more contact with the OM. At all. Ever. You said your husband caught you on his own, which is the worst way someone can find out about an affair.

Realize the gravity of what you did. Trust, once lost, is very hard to regain. The fact taht you lied after he confronted you set you waaay back. He will now question what's real/fake/true/false sine you were not honest after the fact.

Be accountable, be open. Understand--you broke something more precious than gold. He will more than likely never truly you fully again and that is the price you have to pay for your cheating and subsequent lies. Rome wasn't built in a day and trust is not rebuilt in a day.

If you want to reconcile, you need to be patient with him and do any/everything you can to help fix what you broke.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SavingUs' original thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...p-advise-help-husband-through-my-mistake.html


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> SavingUs' original thread:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...p-advise-help-husband-through-my-mistake.html


Essential background. Thanks for posting.

Wow bad timing on the affair as he indicated he wanted to work on his alcoholism and the relationship. Much damage already present. Dang.

So this is really only two months since D-Day.

They were talking about a sad story and them bam they had sex. Soooo that leads me to the where the heck were they question? Someone's home? A motel? A car? Whatever lead up to the isolation with this guy was very bad. Instigation, Isolation and Escalation. So they were maybe in a habit of being alone. That is unfaithful even with no sex. So I can see why he has lots of questions.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

In post-A, trust is the hardest thing to recover out of all the baggages. This seems very normal, and you just have to deal with it. With continuous and consistent act of keeping yourself transparent, it will come back slowly with time. However, the journey will be a long and frustrating one at best. 

Him doubting your future activity is one thing, but as far as his doubt of the factual account of this past A goes, why don't you offer him poly?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

RWB said:


> When I caught my wife, her story changed more often than dirty underwear. After about a week of "catching" her in lie after lie, she told me that she wanted to tell the truth regardless of outcome.
> 
> THE POINT... She lied to me for 6 years during her serial affairs. She then lied for weeks after being caught. THEN, NOW she want me to believe, trust her.
> 
> SavingUS, you are/will be never trusted again. You cannot UNCHEAT! You can still have a relationship with your husband and a "good" marriage, but he will never, ever, ever, fully trust you again. You gave that away in one selfish moment.


Wow, I feel so depressed and hopeless reading this. And, I am not even WS.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

sadcalifornian said:


> Wow, I feel so depressed and hopeless reading this. And, I am not even WS.


But the sad thing is, it's the truth. We'll lie through our teeth telling ourselves that we're doing it to protect our spouses from the pain. You know, we're taking the bullet for the team and being the martyr.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Savings, here is what I posted in your thread in august...


"The questioning will go on for a while and the same questions will come up again and again, to see if the story is consistant. Waywards are notioriously good at hiding and lying. He is looking for lies.

Did you write a NC letter for the OM that your H read and approved? If not then he is still very concerned the OM is still in contact with you, regardless of your assurances he is not.

Q~"



Now you are saying he found out that you were trying to contact the OM afterward. So as I posted, the story changed. Having not done anything in the no contact department has shown your spouse you are not serious about the marriage or in ending the affair. 

You have to look at it from his perspective. It doesn't matter what you did or intended, it matters what he percieves. In cases of an exposed affair, we on here often say that the disloyal must do the heavy lifting to work on the marriage. They must prove that not only do they want it, they have to fight for it. 

Think this over and be honest with yourself........ What have you really, truly, honestly and completely done to fight for your marriage? What can you point to with your hubby and say "I am trying, here is what I have tried so far and I am continuing to try more and more"

What would you want, need or expect if the tables were turned? Are you doing that for him?

If not, then you are just kind of making vague ovetures are work with no real results.

I would say a great place to go from here would be therapy for you both.

Q~


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

You get him to trust you by being trustworthy. It's not an overnight process. Be patient.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

2 months is a drop in the bucket....not even scratching the surface yet.

You are going to have to realize the magnitude of what your husband is trying to deal with, this is not something he will be able to let go of for quite some time. 

It is a _process_ that takes years to fully progress through.

If you have _any_ amount of contact with the OM..this will send your husband back to square one...so make sure that there is *NEVER* any contact with the OM.


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

I know 2 months is a drop in bucket. I have not tried to contact him since we broke off contact, but about 3 days after it happened I tried to contact him so we could talk about what happened (at that point I was trying to make sure he wasnt going to tell anyone to CMA). My WH did not know at that point this happened. My husband found out about a month after. There was a lot of lying for me to CMA of course but after he found out I came clean and have been telling him since anything he wants to know but most of the time he thinks I am lying (understandable I know). But I am trying to fix things. Before the affair (as noted in my previous post) he was a verbally abusive alcoholic, he just stopped drinking and I really did not believe him and I think it is one of the reasons I pushed the limit. He did not like the OM and didnt like me communicating with him but since he had put me through so much I was talking to him to make him angry. One day I was giving him a ride home (the OM) and he invited me in and that is when the affair happened. It was just the one time, I immediately felt bad and discusted and began to try and cover my butt, lying and fabricating anything that could fix the situation. I have not spoken to the OM since 4 days after the incident but I just dont know what to do about my WH. He snowballs, it starts with him asking me questions about what happened and then escalates to him screaming and calling me names and a liar, I know I did a bad thing I am not denying that but I cant be treated that way and not in front of our sons. I have done everything to try and open my self up, answered every question, but he constantly tells me what I was thinking or doing and then starts calling me names. I know I am not perfect and I have done an awful thing but I want to make it better and I just dont think he does..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SavingUS said:


> I know 2 months is a drop in bucket. I have not tried to contact him since we broke off contact, but about 3 days after it happened I tried to contact him so we could talk about what happened (at that point I was trying to make sure he wasnt going to tell anyone to CMA). My WH did not know at that point this happened. My husband found out about a month after. There was a lot of lying for me to CMA of course but after he found out I came clean and have been telling him since anything he wants to know but most of the time he thinks I am lying (understandable I know). But I am trying to fix things. Before the affair (as noted in my previous post) he was a verbally abusive alcoholic, he just stopped drinking and I really did not believe him and I think it is one of the reasons I pushed the limit. He did not like the OM and didnt like me communicating with him but since he had put me through so much I was talking to him to make him angry. One day I was giving him a ride home (the OM) and he invited me in and that is when the affair happened. It was just the one time, I immediately felt bad and discusted and began to try and cover my butt, lying and fabricating anything that could fix the situation. I have not spoken to the OM since 4 days after the incident but I just dont know what to do about my WH. He snowballs, it starts with him asking me questions about what happened and then escalates to him screaming and calling me names and a liar, I know I did a bad thing I am not denying that but I cant be treated that way and not in front of our sons. I have done everything to try and open my self up, answered every question, but he constantly tells me what I was thinking or doing and then starts calling me names. I know I am not perfect and I have done an awful thing but I want to make it better and I just dont think he does..


Well if he doesn't want to make it better/reconcile...there's nothing u can do. It requires a joint effort. Talk to him about how he needs to not discuss. This in front of the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sometimes infidelity is a deal breaker. It may not even be something he can choose. It still doesn't mean he can control his feelings. You may have to divorce him, if he can't move beyond it. Which of course would be your fault too.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Are you guys in counseling? I think there is a part of you that is minimizing the A. You use the words "just" a lot in your posts, like "just once". I wonder if you know just how soul-crushing and devestating this is for a BS. It takes YEARS to overcome it, not months.

He has a right to be angry with you and if he needs to yell sometimes, I think he has a right, although NOT in an abusive way and NOT in front of your kids. That will damage them.

Maybe you could offer to take a polygraph test to make him believe you? 

The other thing I am wondering is what YOU are doing to fix yourself. Making the choice to sleep with someone outside of your marriage is a huge betrayal, and the decision to do so comes from a very unhealthy place. So what are you doing to learn why you did it? Only from knowing why you did it and facing up to how badly you have damaged your marriage, your husband's trust in you, and frankly, yourself, will you be able to say with any conviction that you won't do it again. Talk is cheap after an A and your words mean nothing to your H because you lied. So how can he tell what is the truth and what is a lie? It's not something he can figure out and probably scares the hell out of him.

You didn't just make a "mistake". You dropped on A bomb on your marriage and the one person you were supposed to be faithful and true to in the world. It is a big deal.

I say this from the perspective of someone who has BTDT. I had a ONS in my first marriage and my current husband had two EAs 5 years ago. My marriage is stronger than ever and we worked through everything, but it took a good two years. We are deeply in love and committed and we trust each other completey, but it took a lot of work. I'm not judging you, I'm encouraging you to own your $hit 100%.


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

We arent currently in couseling because we are moving and do not want to get attached to a counselor before we move and have to start over. I know what I did and I know that the "justs" dont cover the damage I have done. There was a lot of things done to me in the past and a lot of the way I was raised and the family I grew up in that have all played into my poor decisions and I am trying to work on me and make sure that I am never in the position for it to happen again. Thank you all for your input it all helps.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Offer him "polygraph". In your case, poly is absolute tool that can help you prove you're telling the truth. Also, you must find MC to help you and your H to sort thru this mess.

BTW, "WH" means "Wayward Husband". When you referred to your H, you meant "BH(Betrayed Husband)", no?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I am glad you are connecting the dots between your dysfunctional childhood and your current situation. When you get settled, please find a psychologist who can help you sort it all out. I am still doing IC and it has been fabulous. Making sense of your past frees you to have a better future when you work with the right therapist. 

You can overcome this and learn healthier ways to live!


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

Yes I did mean BH sorry I though WH meant wounded husband... I have offered a polygraph but he wont or doesnt think it is necessary.  He came home last night screaming and yelling at me, calling me names and telling out 6 yr old and 4 yr old bad things about me... "mommy likes other mans penises so daddy wont be here anymore", "mommy is adulterous" etc. I know what I did but he has known for over 2 months so I dont think it is necessary to fly off the handle like this every couple of days and to behave this way infront of our kids. One minute he is telling me he loves me and appreciates how I have tried to fill his cup and the next he is snowballing out of controll and I have to threaten to call the police to get him to leave. What should I do.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

My daughters loved their step-mother whom I divorced for cheating on me but I never, ever used them to unload the hurt and anger I felt from her betrayal.

His behavior with the children is totally unacceptable because he is emotionally/psychologically abusing innocent children, his children. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior, none. As their mother, it is your responsibility to protect them from all kinds of harm, even from their father. *You need to put your foot down and tell him that you will not allow him to use the children as emotional punching bags.*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SavingUS said:


> He came home last night screaming and yelling at me, calling me names and telling out 6 yr old and 4 yr old bad things about me... "mommy likes other mans penises so daddy wont be here anymore", "


I wouldn't be dealing with that at all. That is completely and totally unacceptable. Involving the children and saying those types of things is going to seriously f-ck them up in the head. It's abusive. He has no regard for them right now. Sick. 

Is he still drinking? You mentioned he was an alcoholic.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

If you offer him and he doesn't want it, that means he is using the line of "I don't believe you" as his way of venting more than him not actually believing you. I say you need a good "MC" to help him deal with his anger more appropriately. He has every right to be mad at you, but there is a better way to vent than what he says in front of your kids.

Find MC.


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## SuzieSuffers (Nov 6, 2011)

I've been where you husband is and the suffering is incredible. My husband was an alcoholic and had been sober for 5 years....during which he had a number of connections with other women, then the physical/emotional affair....all while he was sober....he'd had a number of affairs during his using years....30 altogether....Ok....back to your issue. Get the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful , Linda MacDonald. I kept badgering my husband over and over with the same questions...of course, my issues were multiple infidelities so trust obviously was an even bigger issue, but no matter what it is crushing. We feel the lies about hiding the affair are bad enough, but then when we feel we have asked the cheater to be honest with us and either the story changes each time we hear it, we believe even less and less. Read the above book. I tried to get my husband to read this book but he was less than cooperative, but it really said exactly how I was feeling and some of the things I needed to feel I could rebuild trust. Have your husband read it and highlight the things he thinks he needs to help heal........MOST IMPORTANTLY.....GET TO A COUNSELOR NOW!!! My husband and I thought we could handle it. I was the BS asking the same questions over and over and over....until he just wanted to scream, but because he hadn't rebuilt trust yet, anything he said still felt like a lie, so I questioned it over and over. Comparisons go through our minds....what did the other person give you emotionally that we didn't?? we feel like the failure. We question whether you can feel emotionally close to us if you "experienced" some special moments with the other person. Above all be honest NOW.....any dishonesty will just rewound him over and over. But a counselor will help him move through this better than you can. It's the most difficult thing I've ever gone through until now.....my husband, the sober cheater is divorcing me because he just didn't have the fortitude to be questioned any more....maybe it was his guilt or his belief his character would never change or just that we might never heal. We never got to the marriage counselor and even though we had good days and bad, the questioning and trust was never rebuilt because he just didn't want to do the work....He thought a couple months of questions and he could just sweep it under the rug....YOU now will have to be stronger than you ever thought you'd have to....to be the support he needs at any time.....but I know that questions can go into a vicious circle...that no matter what you say he's not believing you right now....trust has to be actions...not just words trying to convince him you are trustworthy....GET TO A COUNSELOR JUST SO THERE IS SOMEONE THERE TO GUIDE YOU. LOTS OF COUNSELORS WILL WORK WITH YOU ON A SLIDING SCALE, BUT DON'T LOSE YOU MARRIAGE BECAUSE THE PROCESS JUST GETS DIFFICULT. My husand gave up because he still had an alcoholic brain even though he was sober....he forgot that I stood by him all the years of alcoholism and drugs, but he couldn't stand by me as I was going through the pain of infidelity recovery. It's frustrating and I could see that in our discussions, they were just circles over and over about the same issues. I just never felt satisfied with his answers. UNDERSTAND....the questions aren't as much about "punishing" you as they are about him trying desperately to rebuild his self esteem and feel trust towards you. The questions are a means for him to somehow find an answer to the pain....My prayers are with you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st---you started your thread by stating the ONS was a mistake---it was NEVER, a mistake, it was a choice made by you-

No matter how screwed up your mge., might have been, you knew you should not be giving other men rides, yet you did---and you sure as he*l knew you shouldn't be going into their home, yet you did, and when he started foreplay, you chose to allow it, and when he wanted to go inside of you, you chose to allow it----there was never a mistake there, anywhere/anytime

Even if you didn't like your H., at the time, you certainly knew you were gonna wreck your own flesh and blood children's lives, yet you chose to allow it to happen----so WHAT WERE YOU REALLY THINKING AS ALL OF THIS HAPPENED

Your H., is going thru terrible pain, and even if he is a total a**hole like you make him out to be, he is suffering horribly, and he may suffer the rest of his life

But he DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ABUSIVE to you, in any way shape or form, and you need to let him know that you will not put up with the repeated abuse----

aside from that a truly remorseful spouse, will do anything/everything to make the mge., work, if that's what you want----and that includes, answering his questions/listening to his diatribes, a MILLION times if necessary

What you don't seem to wanna understand is, you murdered the mge., you brought nuclear winter down upon your family, and it ain't goin away any time soon, you want it gone, that isn't gonna happen

Also from the tone of your posts, and your descriptions of what is going on, you are still complaining about how this is hurting you, you are being SELFISH, it was your being SELFISH, that has caused all of this---what you HAVE to be is SELFLESS----SELFLESS, for your kids, if for nothing else

At some point in time, you and your H., will need to sit down, and talk, (something that should have started happening long ago in your mge.) and decide if this mge., should even continue---as the two of you cannot continue to live in misery, this last must be done for your children---they will be way better off in 2 somewhat happy split homes, than in a home situation as it is now.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

It turns out that my ex wife's children were aware she was cheating two years before I was informed. I think that may be the reason they were always so distant in the last couple of years we were sharing the home I had provided them.
I think children are more resilient than many think when it comes to dealing with family issues, but four and six year olds shouldn't be drawn into the squabbles that are breaking up the parents.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Why not agree to a polygraph?


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