# Need some opinions/advice



## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

I just found this forum and I have to say that just in the little bit of reading I've done in the last hour, some affirmation has already helped me out a lot.

Now, what I have a question about ...

My wife and I have been married now for 17 years. I admit that I have a slight issue with self-esteem but at the same time I know in my head that I'm a great guy.

About two years ago my wife asked if it would be ok if she replaced her wedding set (nice interlocking engagement and wedding band) with a new diamond ring.

I honestly was not a fan but in the end I agreed to it. She has always worn the original set on her right hand though, in addition to the new diamond ring she bought for her left hand.

My issue is that recently she said something about wanting to stop wearing the original wedding set on her right hand because she wanted to wear some old ring her mother had given her.

I told her I didn't like the idea and I thought that was the end of it. But then today I see that she went ahead and stopped wearing the wedding set I gave her so she could wear her mom's ring.

Before I make an issue out of it ... I was just wondering ... am I making a mountain out of a mole hill??

Thanks in advance


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I have only questions, not answers:
Are there other issues in the relationship besides this? 
Is it the fact that she's not wearing the wedding set or that she seems to have ignored your reluctance to stop wearing it? 
You told her you "didn't like the idea" - is that how you phrased it? 

I think if you told her initially it was "not acceptable" as opposed to "you don't like the idea" you might be on firmer ground. The former sets a clear boundary, the later only expresses an opinion.

I have to believe there are other issues here and the ring thing is just a symptom.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

I was fairly clear about how I felt about it.

I forget my exact words but I know she knows I am opposed.

Right now as far as other issues ... I think we're in a hot/cold thermostat situation where she seems to be wanting space and wants to go and do with her friends and I'm currently in a mode where I want more affection etc. (I read the thread and what is described in it really sounds like where we are right now and I'm TRYING to back off and not seem so needy).


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

I was very clear on how I felt about it ... she knows I don't approve.

As for our situation I'd say we are very definitely in the hot/cold situation as in the thread :
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r-11.html

She seems currently to be in a mode where she wants to go out and do with her friends etc etc and I'm in a mode where I want more affection and showing of love. (I'm trying to back off and give her more space, but it's really pretty hard).


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

(sorry for the double post ... now I see where it says the post won't be shown until approved by a moderator ... is this the case for ALL posts?)


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tough one

At least she's still wearing "a ring".

I would be a little taken aback by what I see as he being uncaring about your wishes.

I've just recently figured out that when my wife asks me for my opinion what she really wants is for me to agree with whatever decision she's already made. I no longer give my opinion since I know it's not really wanted


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

Thank you for your help.

I'm still kinda on the fence though as to whether or not I should say/do something ... especially considering the current status of our hot/cold thermostat :scratchhead:

Does anyone else have an opinion?


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

So your wife has taken off her wedding ring and is out without you hanging around her friends....are her friends single?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Feel like I need to understand.

So ... she is wearing the new wedding ring you purchased for her.

She continued to wear her original set on her right hand, which basically means it is no longer her wedding ring.

And now she wants to wear something else on her right ring finger.

Why exactly does this bother you?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes, I am also in a quandary on your issue.

I gave my wife a new wedding ring for our 25th anniversary. Significantly more expensive. This is now what she wears as her wedding ring.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ILMW61 said:


> I was very clear on how I felt about it ... she knows I don't approve.
> 
> As for our situation I'd say we are very definitely in the hot/cold situation as in the thread :
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r-11.html
> ...


Thermostats aside I hope you guys are still spending a good amount of on one one time together no matter what. 

I get that there is a tactic of turning down the heat to change the dynamic. However, in many cases allowing space just begets wanting more space and so on. 

So indeed work on yourself. Read MMSL
Get to the GYM.

Please elaborate on the friends and activities.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Feel like I need to understand.
> 
> So ... she is wearing the new wedding ring you purchased for her.
> 
> ...


That is sorta my point ... SHOULD it bother me?

Like I said I really wasn't too keen on the idea of replacing the set in the first place but went along with it because it made her happy and was kind of under the impression the old set would still be worn on her right hand.

Maybe I AM just making too big a deal out of nothing.

That's why I'm asking.



@Entropy3000 ...

Her friends are all married ... at least 90% of them. 

It just happened that we both hit this change in dynamic at the same time ... I came to a time in my life when I want to spend MORE time with her and feel more affection and love at the same time her dynamic changed to wanting to go out with her friends more ... 

I could elaborate more but I think that would be better suited for its own thread (which I may just bring all out to its own thread anyway because it is hard for me to get through this right now)


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I think your avoiding the obvious. Who are your wifes friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I think you are making a big deal out of it, unless there are other issues here?
Now if she wanted to remove the ring from her wedding finger, that's different!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

She did remove it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

familyfirst09 said:


> She did remove it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No she didn't. There is a core misunderstanding here. To my mind the 'going out with friends' piece is a red herring for the moment.

She is wearing a wedding ring on her left ring finger. It is the new ring she chose.

I'm guessing that ILMW feels slighted that she chose to replace, and then remove the ring set he originally gave her.

For me, the ring would not be a big deal.

But ... context is everything.

If your relationship is foundering, and all of a sudden she wants to go out with friends and hang out at bars ... that is a different issue altogether.

I'd like to hear more about your insecurity issues and the context surrounding that. We can certainly steer this thing towards pointing the finger at your wife, but if you KNOW you have some issues, we are far better suited to addressing the needs of the person doing the posting, than their partner who is not.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

familyfirst09 said:


> I think your avoiding the obvious. Who are your wifes friends?
> 
> She did remove it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife's friends are ladies she knows and/or she has known for a long time.

The ring was replaced with a new ring ... she still wears the new ring.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

Deejo said:


> I'd like to hear more about your insecurity issues and the context surrounding that. We can certainly steer this thing towards pointing the finger at your wife, but if you KNOW you have some issues, we are far better suited to addressing the needs of the person doing the posting, than their partner who is not.


My insecurity issues ... I know I'm not in as good a shape as I was when I met her 17 years ago. And even then, I admit, I had some insecurity issues because she was/is such a great lady. I am not so naive as to think that I'm the only man that would have her.

Then I was a 6'-0" 220lb Infantryman in the U.S. Army.

Now I'm a 6'-0" 38yo bald man with a bad back that weighs 267lbs.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Appreciate your being open about that.

Don't start believing that your wife deserves better than you ... because if you believe it, you may just convince her too.

So where do you want to get to? Do you have a plan?

Are you a reader? There are some books I can recommend:

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men: Wayne M. Levine: 9780979054402: Amazon.com: Books

http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/159179257

I recommend NUT's over Way of the Superior Man. The second book touches on a lot more spiritual and esoteric. Author likes the sound of his own voice, but there is certainly some great content.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> She did remove it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, she wears the new wedding ring on her left hand. She removed the old wedding ring from her right hand to wear another ring.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ILMW61 said:


> My insecurity issues ... I know I'm not in as good a shape as I was when I met her 17 years ago. And even then, I admit, I had some insecurity issues because she was/is such a great lady. *I am not so naive as to think that I'm the only man that would have her.*
> 
> Then I was a 6'-0" 220lb Infantryman in the U.S. Army.
> 
> Now I'm a 6'-0" 38yo bald man with a bad back that weighs 267lbs.


Nor is she the only woman who would have you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are making too much out of the ring issue. Pick your battles better. Your marriage has bigger issues. It's much easier to concentrait on the smaller issues (the ring) then to deal with the big ones.

So let the ring thing go. Be proud of yourself for getting her an updated ring that shows your continued love for her.

Now on the big issues.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?

How many hours a week is she spending with her friends? What kinds of things are they doing?


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You are making too much out of the ring issue. Pick your battles better. Your marriage has bigger issues. It's much easier to concentrait on the smaller issues (the ring) then to deal with the big ones.
> 
> So let the ring thing go. Be proud of yourself for getting her an updated ring that shows your continued love for her.
> 
> ...


We probably spend 8-12 hours a week just the two of us (no kids etc). Nearly every Friday we go to the local restaurant and bar and have drinks and/or dinner.

When her friends call it's during the week and something along the lines of she (my wife) is supposed to go to the gym but instead her friend says she'd rather go have a few drinks and she ends up at the bar/grill having drinks for about 5-7 hours after work.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

And just as an FYI ...

Tonight we went to the bar/grill and had drinks and dinner from about 4:30p until now.

... And she was wearing the original wedding set on her right hand.

SO ... maybe I _WAS _making a mountain out of a molehill as far as the rings go.

:scratchhead:


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

As long as she’s wearing the new ring the old set can go on a chain or even in a precious box for a keepsake. As much as we love our wedding rings, most women would love to show off how much their husband loves them by showing the new ring.


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## freedom 32 (Jan 22, 2013)

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## freedom 32 (Jan 22, 2013)

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