# marriage vows, to love, honor and OBEY?



## preso

Hey ladies, wondering who ......... if anyone agreed to OBEY or serve your husband in your vows?

I made sure those words did not come up and for some reason if they did... I planned to just gloss over them and say what I wanted...
as I wasn't going to vow to obey or serve my husband, after all its not the 1950's.
Wondering if anyone agreed to that and said that in your vows? or is that pretty much not said anymore when getting married?


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## swedish

I think that wording may be outdated, but might still be used in some ceremonies. The 'standard' where we married was love, honor and cherish...which we both said to one another...

Obey....hmmmm....depends who has the whip that night...j/k


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## Blanca

i dont have quite the cataclysmic aversion for the word "obey" as others i guess. just today my h and i were talking about how we felt if my brother, who is homosexual, were to bring his partner around our kids. i personally have no issues with it but it seems my h does. i would obey his wishes that my brother and his partner not be around our children if he felt strongly about it. i dont have a problem with thinking i obey my H. but then i dont have a problem telling him off, either.


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## TNgirl232

Most people take that out of context....

"For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body."

I was concerned with this when I got married in last winter and my minister said that we don't "obey" so much as if our husbands love us as church loved christ then we will in turn treat them well and support them in all things - it is cyclical - if we are only expected to do the obey part (which is what is always brought up - the whole lay down your life for her part hardly ever is) then it doesn't work.


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## okeydokie

swedish said:


> I think that wording may be outdated, but might still be used in some ceremonies. The 'standard' where we married was love, honor and cherish...which we both said to one another...



that was what we "agreed" on in 1990


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## preso

okeydokie said:


> that was what we "agreed" on in 1990


by who?
the pope or something?


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## swedish

I'm also 1/2 Greek and the Easter bread is braided with a red hard-boiled egg baked in (the eggs are all red to symbolize the blood of Christ) When I was young I asked why the braid? And my father said in ancient times, if the husband died, the wife would be buried with him...I guess she drank some poison or something...apparently they didn't have the 'til death do us part' clause 

At some point....ancient greek women's lib I guess...they decided that was a bit radical and instead the wife would not cut her hair. If the husband died, her braid of hair was cut and buried with her husband.

Now they don't do that but they bake bread in the form of a braid for Easter.


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## preso

swedish said:


> I'm also 1/2 Greek and the Easter bread is braided with a red hard-boiled egg baked in (the eggs are all red to symbolize the blood of Christ) When I was young I asked why the braid? And my father said in ancient times, if the husband died, the wife would be buried with him...I guess she drank some poison or something...apparently they didn't have the 'til death do us part' clause
> 
> At some point....ancient greek women's lib I guess...they decided that was a bit radical and instead the wife would not cut her hair. If the husband died, her braid of hair was cut and buried with her husband.
> 
> Now they don't do that but they bake bread in the form of a braid for Easter.




I guess the old way of burial with the husband prevented any women from getting the idea to poison him

:rofl:


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## Loving Husband

Mine was changed to Cherish I think.. Need to look at the video tape..


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## okeydokie

preso said:


> by who?
> the pope or something?


to love, honor and cherish each other. we did not use obey in our marriage vows.


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## MsStacy

TNgirl232 said:


> "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body."


This was read (and explained to MY family) at our ceremony in 1997. Our vows included to Love and Submit. There was no mention of obey.


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## GAsoccerman

ours had Obey in it....because I say it jokingly at my wife.

but I would never expect her to "obey" me....but I know other men that do....Usuallyt hose who are deeply into religion.

Common sense dictates it's a partnership, a team...no one is a ruler of the other.


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## preso

submit and obey.... thats some scary stuff to commit to.

My husband has been so good recently, he is taking more time off and also re-assuring me about my worries with his kids... that they will ~~~ NOT ~~~~ come between us in our marriage due to their spoiled, unrealistic views as well as lots of drama.
He says stuff that makes me realize I was right to marry him. He is a good man. I told him about OBEY and if how I was asked to vow that I wasn't going to say it but say love, honor and cherish... as I was afraid somehow that OBey would come in...
submit may be worse ! ugh....

Love honor and "cherish" are the way to go.


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## sojac

I am all for the cherish...


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## Sandy55

Well, MY dh promised to 

"Love, honor, and ogle"....

Or so it SEEMS.:rofl:


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## sisters359

"No obey." There is a record of a woman in 17th century Virginia who said that twice--"no obey" during her wedding. She was a wealthy widow remarrying. So after the 2nd time, the minister just repeated the vow, leaving out the obey part. And they were married.

Nope, I would never agree to it and we had the love, honor, and cherish part. I feel my husband never cherished me, though. I cherished him, hoping that modeling it would help. It didn't. And I think the vow should end, "til love does depart." Would make marriage a lot less scary.


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## scarletblue

I didn't have "obey" in my vows. I look at that word in the context that I know it as. We had "cherish". Two words that I do now like....obey and allow. My first husband was very controlling and I guess I still have issues with that.

Besides, "cherish" is a wonderful word. I cherish my husband and my life with him.


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## MrsSchaffer

I had the standard vows, but they didn't include Obey that I remember. I believe it said Cherish?


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## revitalizedhusband

So many people completely get/take this the wrong way.

The obey in wedding vows has zero to do with what we think of as "obey" now-a-days (like a child obeying your parents).

The original wedding vows, when they were written, the word obey had a little different definition (in the original latin), it meant "to listen deeply". 

Now, I believe that all of us should definitely "listen deeply" to our spouses no?

Come to think of it, the word "honor" is used in the exact same context, to listen to and heed your partners wishes. 

The word honor in wedding vows has the same definition as the word obey originally had. 

However, in today's society we hear the word obey and we think "heck no, he don't own me!"


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## preso

sisters359 said:


> "No obey." There is a record of a woman in 17th century Virginia who said that twice--"no obey" during her wedding. She was a wealthy widow remarrying. So after the 2nd time, the minister just repeated the vow, leaving out the obey part. And they were married.
> 
> .


I bet I would have liked her !!!


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## catfish

It's interesting that "swedish" brought up the Greek tradition, because in the Greek language, especially in the original Greek that the New Testament was written in, the verbs "to obey" and "to listen" are actually the same word, _hupakouo_, as "revitalizedhusband" hinted at. (Google Translate might give you a variation on this in modern Greek, e.g. obey=υπακούουν and listen=ακούσουν, but still different forms of the same root). Likewise they are the same word in Hebrew (_shama_) and Old English (hearken).

So the vows really mean to love, honor and listen, but with an emphasis on putting our listening into action based on what we hear. As it is meant to be in our relationship with God, so it is meant to be in our relationship with our spouse, but as a two way street, not one lording it over the other. To truly listen to one we love means to truly hear their will and make it your own so that your wills become one, and then in obedience you are actually carrying out your own will to act in the other's best interest and serve them, if you listened in love, as Jesus demonstrated we all must do when he washed the feet of his disciples.

Of course, if one spouse understands and acts upon this vow in the spirit with which it was written and intended, and the other does not, then "service" becomes servitude, and that is not a marriage. That is why both recite the same vow in a traditional wedding.

_"And the two shall become one..." (Mark 10:8)_


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## Endgame

We said in our vows to love, honor and cherish, but my ex believed that I should have obeyed him and if I had, we probably wouldn't have divorced after 20 years.

I never realized until just recently that he held in judgement against me for 20 years everything I did that didn't agree with him, or have his blessings. From reading a newspaper on our honeymoon to using plastic bags at the grocery store. Never would have known that those things bothered him so much. I'm glad that I am free of him now, because I don't think I could continue to live under such scrutiny now that it's been exposed.

And, also, I finally see why I could do nothing right in his eyes...gosh, for so many years too!


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## tacoma

I offer the officiant and extra $50 to put obey back into our vows when I paid her an hour before the ceremony.

She refused <sigh>
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

> Of course, if one spouse understands and acts upon this vow in the spirit with which it was written and intended, and the other does not, then "service" becomes servitude, and that is not a marriage. That is why both recite the same vow in a traditional marriage.
> "And the two shall become one..." (Mark 10:8)


I think our vows said "to love , honor and cherish" -that seems to ring a bell, but I can not remember, I would have to watch it back. 

I wouldn't have worried what it said with the type of man I married, I trusted him with my every care, my heart in his hands, I have never trusted anyone more in my life to take care of me, or do right by me .....it would have been an honor to obey such a man. He's never let me down- since I met him. One time he recalls (he was late picking me up at school & I got grounded ) but I have no recollection of it at all, he remembers it like it was yesterday -because he felt so bad about it . 

He has always put my needs above his.


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## heartsbeating

revitalizedhusband said:


> The original wedding vows, when they were written, the word obey had a little different definition (in the original latin), it meant "to listen deeply".


That's lovely.

Hubs met our celebrant minutes before the ceremony, to go through what the vows would be. We had song lyrics that the celebrant managed to weave wonderfully into the ceremony. Hubs told me afterwards, originally there was the word "obey" and apparently the celebrant chuckled with him when hubs said "oh there's no way she'll agree to that!" 

Apart from the part we included, we don't remember the vows. I wished we had gotten a copy. We know they were beautiful.


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## that_girl

Those words weren't even in our vows.

The last line in our vows was, "From this day forward, you will never walk alone..."

I have it painted over our wedding picture/poster in our bedroom. I love it.


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## catfish

Actually we wrote our own vows (and each wrote one song for the wedding as well). If I recall, mine was simply, "I promise to love you always as you are, and into all that you were meant to be."


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## anotherguy

Its funny that I see this topic here.

We got married almost 20 years ago. We flew out to the small town where we met - and where some of here extended family is. 

Smalltown church in IA. Lutheran. I was raised catholic, but I am largely atheist now - selection of church didnt matter much to me. Important to her.

Anyway she and I discussed the vows - and we specifically made it a point to forego the 'obey' thing. I dont believe in that and neither does she. She is my equal in every conceivable way. *Specifically* we talked about it with the pastor who sort of didnt respond too much - did he agree? I do not ever remember.

fast forward to the next day at the ceremoney. The pastor gets to her part of he vows and says 'Love, Honor, and OBEY.' He did not forget. He was a controlling a$$wipe and slipped this in. He was a pompous little round man accustomed to directing his sheep in what was morally correct and desirable. We were both a little stunned and she just said 'i do'. 

Looking back - I SO wish I had called him on this - loudly, publicly and rudely.

We both sort of shrugged it off, but this has been bothering me for almost 20 years now.. and yet another reason why I cant stand organized religion and the bleating yacks who wear it and preside over it.

Im thinking that one day... maybe on our 20th I will renew the vows and make sure (under penalty of a firm beating) that the pastor/priest/whatever do it as WE see fit. As I write this I am getting the urge to write that pastor a little letter finally telling him exactly what I think of his little stunt so long ago.

....shrug....ranting.


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## speakingforsomemen

Don't forget, love, honor, and take the ball and chain off before showers, they rust.


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