# Very worried... only married a month and feel the marriage may become sexless



## starbust (Nov 8, 2013)

This is my first time posting here and I do so out of anxiety and desperation. My husband and I have been married for about a month now... we were together for 6 years before getting married. I'm 27 and he is 31. We were living together for 4 years before we got married as well. I've always been a lot more physical than him and I've always been aware of that. Our average even in the beginning of our relationship and up until about a year ago was once a week.

About a year ago, the sex began dwindling. I chalked it up to the fact that both he and I were stressed. I was working and finishing my last year of school and he was working and really stressed about his job stability. Not to mention amongst all of that stress we were also trying to plan a wedding. We went for months at a time without sex. I did sit down and have a conversation about my concerns with him about 6 months before our wedding and he assured me that his lack of desire was due to feeling very overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed about work and finances in regard to our wedding. I understood and was supportive of him and let him know I was here to support him. I really felt that once the wedding was out of the way our stress levels would be significantly less.

Then there was the wedding. It was great. (He actually was the one that pushed to have a big wedding... I wanted to elope.) The wedding night was nothing short of amazing. He and I hadn't had sex in several months and he really took his time with me for a change... which isn't always the case. He made me feel loved, desired, and beautiful. It was probably the best sex we had ever had. I really thought that things were going to make a turn around!

However... on our honeymoon there was hardly any sex. The first day was understandable because we were both tired. However... the second and third day I began feeling a little discouraged. Finally on the fourth night of our honeymoon I initiated the sex. It was ok. It felt like he really didn't want to. He didn't try to please me at all and it was just... kind of boring. Then our last night... the 5th night I initiated it again... hoping for different results. It ended up being me doing all the work and him just laying there. It was a bit awkward... for me anyway. I again felt like he really didn't want to. 

We haven't had sex since then and I'm really worried. I told him last night that I'm feeling really worried and anxious about the lack of affection he seems to be showing me so early into our marriage and that I worry this may cause problems unless we work on it. He listened. I gave him examples of how when I go to hug him it's like he pushes me away and that I feel ignored. He offered to have a date night tonight so we shall see... 

My question is... am I right to be as worried as I am? I don't want to be in the "friend marriage" where there is no intimacy. Obviously I want a friendship with him but I want to feel cherished and loved... not to mention desired. I don't really like always being the one to initiate sex either. In the past it was always mutual (up until about a year ago). I get that things change the longer you are with someone but I am very worried that these are unhealthy changes. I don't want to only have sex once a month.... or once every few months.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sorry sweetie, sounds like you married an LD man. Stick around and hear some people out, read some other stories, and learn all you can about LD and desire issues in general.

This is not looking good, but there is hope if HE is willing to understand that you can't live this way.

You do need to decide for yourself though...if this never changes, are you going to leave him? Because your answer to that question will dictate how successful you are in making any changes in the marriage.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Have either of you gained a lot of weight? If not, then prod him into having his testosterone levels checked.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Yes, you are right to be worried and you need to have an open and honest chat with him.

Try not to come across as putting the blame on him or critical of his performance as that is bound to be counter-productive.

Maybe start by asking what he would enjoy and what would encourage him to enter into things with more enthusiasm.

If he says he is just not all that interested in sex then you need to find out whether he is prepared to up his game to keep you happy, and you also need to think about whether you are OK with that or whether you will feel that he is doing it out of duty and let it put you off.

My husband is LD and although we had initial throes of passion it soon waned and our sex life was a disaster for nearly 20 years. I would not recommend that! Most recently we had no sex whatsoever for over 3 years. Turns out he had ED, which Viagra has sorted out.

My hormones are raging like mad at present (I am in my mid forties) and I can't get enough. If I am honest I think that whilst he does enjoy our sessions with Viagra and PIV sex (which happens probably once a week maximum) he pleasures me in other ways rather more out of duty. I have taken the view that I am not going to worry about whether or not it is out of duty so long as the duty is done! But not everyone can deal with that. You need to think long and hard about what you want out of the marriage and don't even consider having children until you and your husband are on the same page.


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

My fiance and I went through a dry spell once. It lasted a long time.. and I am a very high-drive female, so I get the frustration and pain it can cause. But he had a very high sex drive as well (at the start of and during the early course of our relationship) so the lack of sex was due to outside stress, and then made even worse by me pushing for it. 

The more I pressured him, the less he wanted it. I figured that out quickly. So I helped him through the stress. I didn't bring up sex or push for it (initiate heavily) at all. Then I waited it out. Showed support. Made him feel appreciated and MANLY. Eventually he started coming around. His work/family situation improved and he began initiating sex again. Once this happened a couple times, I had ONE serious talk with him about how important it was for me to feel wanted and desired. How badly I felt when he refused to initiate sex or even rejected me. I let the tears fall. I didn't accuse him of anything. I just told him how I felt. And things went back to normal. Everything is good now between us sexually, and has been for almost a year. We have other problems now, but the sex is probably stronger and better than ever. 

The more masculine I make him feel, the more he initiates sex. Seriously. I ask him for help with things I probably don't need help with, lol. I hold on to him in public. I let him control what we do and where we go most of the time. I ask him to plan things, or do things, or cook certain things because "he's better at it." If you're into feminism, this probably isn't for you.. but men want to feel like men. And that makes them horny.

Think about outside problems before you go blaming yourself. Think about how open you are sexually. Is there something he desires in the bedroom that you aren't giving him? Ask him about his fantasies, wants and needs. Don't do this during a fight or make it seem like you are pressuring him for sex or for answers. Let him know how you feel, but wait for the right time, and don't put a ton of weight on his shoulders. Be confident. I know it's hard to feel sexy and desired in this situation, but pretend. Work on you. Walk around like you're hot stuff. Hopefully, he'll notice. 

If all else fails, you may just have a man who is genuinely happy with sex every 4-6 weeks, and you may have to decide if you can live with that, or not. 

Wishing you lots of luck and good sex.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Your hubby sounds similar to my wifee, both are LD "low sex drive" individuals.

You can't fix this.

You have to find ways to get his slower engine running. 

Test shots from the Dr will do that, only if he has low T.

I would find out what really turns him on, fantasies, fetishes, toys, and you're going to have to be the initiator because low sex drive spouses rarely initiate.

For now, you'll have to relieve yourself with toys, etc., like most of us HD spouses do.

You came to the right forum though. TAM has taught me a lot.:smthumbup:


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## redamzcy (Nov 8, 2013)

Try not to come across as putting the blame on him or critical of his performance as that is bound to be counter-productive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. Do not let this slide. If you do, your are heading to a sexless marriage. Having sex less the 10 times a year is considered a sexless marriage.


We often hear about women who do not want sex with their husbands. What most people do not realize is that men are equally as likely to withhold sex in a marriage as women are.

While you might be newlyweds, you are not in a new relationship. Your relationship is 6 years old. Getting married does not re-set the clock on your relationship.

You are approaching the 7 year itch. It’s a real phenomenon in marriage/relationships. So you are struggling like a couple might while approaching this landmark time in a relationship.

Here is a book that might help you as it addresses this topic that you are dealing with in your marriage.

*Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It*

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: 9780061192043: Amazon.com: Books


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Is he worried about birth control? Maybe like I was in my marriage, he isn't LD but rather is just avoidant of the consequences, feeling like his performance is being judged, or feels that in order to keep you sexually interested wants to let the tension build so that what little sex you do have is more rewarding/gratifying.


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