# What am I supposed to be doing?



## kariesfriend (Jun 21, 2013)

DH and I waited until marriage. I was a virgin, he was not.

Our sex has never been amazing, I have never had an orgasm from PIV sex. He says it is routine, boring, and that I just lie there.

I do enjoy the time together and moan/talk dirty while it is happening, but 85% of the time I am just waiting for it to be over.

Because he is so unhappy, he never wants to have sex. I know in past relationships he has wanted sex multiple times a day. I know he can tell that I don't enjoy it and has said that is a factor in why he does not want to have sex too.

So, what am I supposed to be doing that I am not? I honestly don't know... I have suggested trying different stuff (fantasies, new lingerie, different places, etc.) but it has never worked.

HELP!!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Can you have orgasms otherwise? Masturbation per se. I think quite a lot of women cannot have an orgasm from PIV. Ive been sexually active for over 20 years and it has never happened to me. However - I can have them with enough clitoral stimulation.

I think a little enthusiasm goes a long way, too, even if you aren't having orgasms. Do you initiate sex with him or ever get on top? Also do you give him oral? That might be another way to catch him off guard. 

About you having orgasms, though, is he trying things like oral and manual stimulation on you? How about bringing a vibrator into it?


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## kariesfriend (Jun 21, 2013)

I do orgasm with clitoral stimulation, I initiate 95% of the time, and I have tried being on top. I have also done oral on him.

I would say 50-60% of the time I orgasm from stimulation, either before or after PIV, just nothing from the PIV.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What about it makes you say 85% of the time you are just waiting for it to be over?


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## kariesfriend (Jun 21, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> What about it makes you say 85% of the time you are just waiting for it to be over?


I picked a number higher than 50% and less than 100%...

A huge majority of the time that is how I feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kariesfriend said:


> Our sex has never been amazing, I have never had an orgasm from PIV sex.


Most women never have orgasms from PIV sex. Is it your expectation to have orgasms from PIV or is he pressuring you about this?

There are things you can do to have orgasms while PIV.. such as stimulate yourself. But just PIV... you will most likely never have an orgasm from it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there foreplay just about every time you have sex? How long does it last?

You say that most of the time you are just waiting for it to be over with. What is the difference between the times you are really into the sex and the times you are just bored by it? That's where to start. 

The two of you would probably benefit from going to a MC who is also a sex therapist.


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## kariesfriend (Jun 21, 2013)

He said not orgasming from PIV makes him feel like he did something wrong, and me "helping" makes him feel like he is a failure.

We have foreplay, but not near enough for my liking. He is all about getting things going quickly. I like to take time. 

The times I have actually enjoyed it, I made a huge effort to forget about if he was enjoying it or not and just focus on me... but then I feel selfish


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

kariesfriend said:


> He said not orgasming from PIV makes him feel like he did something wrong, and me "helping" makes him feel like he is a failure.
> 
> We have foreplay, but not near enough for my liking. He is all about getting things going quickly. I like to take time.
> 
> *The times I have actually enjoyed it, I made a huge effort to forget about if he was enjoying it or not and just focus on me... but then I feel selfish*


NoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!

This is EXACTLY what you're supposed to do. Dont feel selfish. Sex is just as much about your enjoyment as it is his. Forget about his hangups. That will only make you enjoy it less.

Forget about all your problems. I dont envy you women. How you can multi-task your brain while having sex I will never know. Just relax and enjoy. If he's not enjoying...so what! I bet after a while of seeing your genuine happiness with the action he will "COME" around.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think my husband, as well, expected me to orgasm as quickly and easily as he did. I don't think he was being selfish so much as he was just uninformed. We have been married 18 years and he is just now learning these things. (Of course I should have said something long ago but was embarrassed of asking for more than he was giving me and not wanting to make him feel ignorant about the whole thing.

So - I don't know how much advice I can give having just started down this road myself - but it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. You sound normal. It seems your husbands expectations are unrealistic and they need to change in order for him to stop feeling disappointed. I think its great you are having orgasms despite all of this. I think that is a good sign.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You ladies don't get men at all do you.


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## kariesfriend (Jun 21, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You ladies don't get men at all do you.


I know I don't, that is why I am looking for help...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Okay I'm going to tell you what's up. We don't want you to try to please us. We want to be the super stud who rocks your world. We don't want you to wear lingerie as a gift to us. We want you to wear lingerie because we are the super stud who rocks your world and you are trying to entice us to rock it again. We don't want oral as a gift to us. We want you to want to give us oral because we are the super stud who rocked your world and you are trying to get us going again with it. Is any of this sinking in?

Bottom line, if your man doesn't feel like the stud that rocks your world he is not going to be happy.


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## kariesfriend (Jun 21, 2013)

Any suggestions for how to change the way he thinks and show him that he does rock my world? 

If I do as PP suggested and start thinking about my enjoyment (thus increasing his enjoyment) that would be a start, but a year of boring-ness is hard to forget...


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You ladies don't get men at all do you.


Helpful. 



Kariesfriend, you said you moan/talk dirty, but then you said 85% of the time you're just waiting for it to end. When this happens (the waiting for it to end), are you actively participating or just letting him go at it until he's done? Do you look him in the eyes, touch and caress him, whisper sweet nothings in his ear, or plant kisses along his jawline? 

Also, if he's not taking any time for foreplay, you might let him know that he needs to get you worked up good and hot before actual PIV, so that you're close to orgasm when PIV begins. Or, perhaps he could give you an orgasm in some other manner first! Trying to teach a guy about foreplay who doesn't get it is difficult. Be honest, clear, and direct. 

You should read MissScarlett's thread. It took a bit for her husband to come around, but it sounds as if things are improving.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Truly enjoying your self and using him for sex often would be a great start.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

FYI telling him what he does wrong will not make him feel studly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sorry I'm being brief. I am posting while driving.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> Helpful. :rolleyes
> 
> You should read MissScarlett's thread. It took a bit for her husband to come around, but it sounds as if things are improving.


Oh, he's definitely coming around, so to speak. :smthumbup:

Ive learned so much from the male point of view from this board. It has been very, very helpful.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sorry I'm being brief. I am posting while driving.


Egads! Stop that!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> Egads! Stop that!


:iagree: it's dangerous!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You love your husband. You want to please him, You are not good enough at sex to make him happy, so you fake things, talk dirty, etc.........

You have a serious sex problem...Your serious sex problem is....TA DAAAA!!!

*Your husband is not a good lover.....*

and he is not experienced enough to know it, therefore, both of you are not enjoying sex........ 

I am here to reassure you and make everything much better..

It is not your job to moan, wiggle and talk dirty........It is your husbands job to bring you to a state of arousal which makes it entirely IMPOSSIBLE for you not to moan, wiggle, and talk dirty
(talking dirty is not necessary)....My wife would moan, wiggle, and finally give out an almost endless mantra of I love you, I love you, I love you...

I loved it....

and it made me want to do an even better job the next time.....

That is the key to good sex....Wanting to be the best lover, for your lover....You already have that attitude.....

You are not being selfish....Again it is your husband.....He is FAILING to give you everything you need to have orgasmic sex......

Good sex should take at least an hour...two is better....

*He dosn't engage in enough foreplay to make you completely surrender yourself to the pleasure you are feeling*.....He should be making you feel REALLY, REALLY GOOD.....his lovemaking
should be centered around creating a sexual atmosphere....

*Making you feel loved, relaxed and fully aroused should be his goal, not his orgasm... *

You know what you like, With my wife it was lots of deep kissing, having her body gently stroked, touching and kissing her nipples, caressing her thighs, labia, clitoris...all those things that make a woman lubricate, and become ready for sex.....If you find yourself waiting for it to be over, it is already over.......

When it comes to the actual intercourse, there is nothing wrong with missionary, if you are getting enough stimulation to orgasm, if not, you lying on your back, raising the leg nearest him, and him on his side, sliding in close enough to penetrate is good (some call it sideways position) the advantage to this is it gives great access to your clitoris.....I would always gently stroke my wifes clitoris in this position to hasten her orgasm.....

It is also great in the later stages of pregnancy, and yes sex during pregnancy is great....We had sex at 10:30 PM. and her water broke at 2:00 AM.....

It is not your job to make your husband FEEL like a superstar stud........It is his job to make love to you till your orgasm tells him he IS a SUPERSTAR STUD.......

remember, sex that ends with both partners having an orgasm and two people feeling good, is good sex......

There is no need for lingerie, props, toys, etc.....They are OK, but the best sex is two people who want to make their partners feel really good......Rock stars can't do it any better..... 

All of this will take some time and practice.....The good thing is this is an absolutely wonderful thing to practice on.....

wishing you and your husband lots of really good sex

the woodchuck


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Try not to ever "wander off" in your mind when making love to your husband. If you catch yourself headed that way, re-engage with him somehow. Such as looking him in the eye and telling him you love him. If you are wishing it was over, that means you need to tell him something you are needing...or you need to provide what you need to yourself. If you stay engaged and connected with him and you love him, and if you keep refusing to let your mind wander off, you will hopefully find ways to express your real feelings in ways that lead to better sex. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to prolong the foreplay yourself with better communication and being more assertive.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My SO rarely orgasms through PIV sex. Like twice in 2.5 years. But then again, she said that she's never done that with any other lover she's been with either, so I don't feel like it's just me.

So I could take that as a criticism of my skills as a lover, and get all bent out of shape. But I chose to take her at her word. And rather than focusing on her orgasming at that particular time with that particular act, we focus on the experience as a whole. 

One thing that works for us is her using a small bullet vibrator while we have PIV sex. We really like the We-Vibe Tango (http://we-vibe.com/we-vibe-tango); best $100 we ever spent. Rechargeable, waterproof, small, and relatively quiet. She can easily reach between us and use it to her heart's content.

You should also work with him on the foreplay issue... Your odds of orgasming through PIV sex is much improved if you're closer to orgasm when intercourse starts, IMHO. Gives you a better chance of getting there. Explain that to him, and maybe you'll get more foreplay.

Just my thoughts, as a guy... Oh, and there are lots of educational sex videos that you can watch as a couple. Some might consider them porn, but I'm speaking of the ones that are intended as educational. Nothing says it can't be both! 

C


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This is very accurate advice that most people don't think of. Out of the box thinking - High five FW! 



Faithful Wife said:


> Try not to ever "wander off" in your mind when making love to your husband. If you catch yourself headed that way, re-engage with him somehow. Such as looking him in the eye and telling him you love him. If you are wishing it was over, that means you need to tell him something you are needing...or you need to provide what you need to yourself. If you stay engaged and connected with him and you love him, and if you keep refusing to let your mind wander off, you will hopefully find ways to express your real feelings in ways that lead to better sex. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to prolong the foreplay yourself with better communication and being more assertive.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I see Woodchuck nailed it while I was posting this. It's not an accusation but a statement of fact and it's common. 

I applaud your efforts to improve your sex life and sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately the problem you are having is difficult to solve. 

This needs to be approached delicately. You have a husband who knows nothing about woman. You can't tell him that directly because his ego can't handle it. 

He has several problems - he thinks sex all about him, he rushes through foreplay, expects you to orgasm with PIV, becomes angry when he does not get the response he expects, and he expects you to be like his previous lovers. 

You have to teach him how to make love to you. First you need to learn your body by exploring with hi help. Did you know that only 30% of woman orgasm by PIV and about 70% by clitoral stimulation? It is a common misconception that you need to learn how. 

But the way you orgasm is anatomically driven and has little to do with learning. Did you know that each woman has unique anatomy that makes her sexual response specific to her? 

Did you know that sex is not for the man but you should expect as much pleasure as he? 

I dont know what to suggest to handle this. It must be done carefully. You may need to get IC from a therapist who deals with sex problems to help, I think. 

Also, read some books about how to deal with men with fragile egos who need to learn about sex and about female sexuality. Hopefully some posters will offer suggestions. Men may be particularly helpful because they have better insight into how he feels.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kariesfriend said:


> Any suggestions for how to change the way he thinks and show him that he does rock my world?
> 
> If I do as PP suggested and start thinking about my enjoyment (thus increasing his enjoyment) that would be a start, but a year of boring-ness is hard to forget...


If you put all the blame on him then yes it's hard to forget. But that year of boring-ness is not just his fault. You are as responsible for the boring failure as he is.


“The times I have actually enjoyed it, I made a huge effort to forget about if he was enjoying it or not and just focus on me... but then I feel selfish”


The above is one example of what you have done to make your sex life boring. So stop blaming him and really get into it. When you are having sex, stop thinking about a year of boring. Something like that should not even be on your mind. Instead only concentrate on the here and now and how you feel. If you are turned and having a very good sexual experience he will be enjoying it… because it’s proof that he’s the super stud who can make you feel that good. 



kariesfriend said:


> He said not orgasming from PIV makes him feel like he did something wrong, and me "helping" makes him feel like he is a failure.


Your husband apparently does not know much about how the female body works. We are made so that the man has to help us. Why? What I’ve read is that because a woman needs a man who will take care of her and her children. He being an attentive lover who “helps” her is a way for him to show the woman that he cares enough about her to take care of her. Women are not likely to have sex with a man who will not take the time to take care of her. So a man who does not ‘help’ his woman sexually is not likely to be able to keep her.




kariesfriend said:


> We have foreplay, but not near enough for my liking. He is all about getting things going quickly. I like to take time.


You are a woman, you need to take time. Most of the time. If he’s not willing to do this then he’s not a good, caring lover. It’s showing in your relationship and you’re not enjoying the intimacy you are having. IF he wants sex with a woman then he has to treat her like a woman, not like a man and expect it to be over quickly.



kariesfriend said:


> The times I have actually enjoyed it, I made a huge effort to forget about if he was enjoying it or not and just focus on me... but then I feel selfish


Yep, that’s the key….. when you focus on you, you will being giving him a lot of pleasure as well.

Here’s a book that can help the both of you.


Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone - a recipe for reconnecting emotionally and physically.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Try not to ever "wander off" in your mind when making love to your husband. If you catch yourself headed that way, re-engage with him somehow. Such as looking him in the eye and telling him you love him. If you are wishing it was over, that means you need to tell him something you are needing...or you need to provide what you need to yourself. If you stay engaged and connected with him and you love him, and if you keep refusing to let your mind wander off, you will hopefully find ways to express your real feelings in ways that lead to better sex. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to prolong the foreplay yourself with better communication and being more assertive.


Please understand, don't fade out and wish it was just over.........Get back in the game, BUT....

When things start to come together, and he is hitting all the right buttons, it is perfectly alright to focus on the wonderful feelings he is giving you.......

When you start feeling really good, it is perfectly all right to get into the zone and let those feelings take over.......

No woman has ever orgasmed by staring into her lovers eyes and telling him how handsome he is....

Your orgasm is *YOUR TIME,* and no woman can focus on her man when that wave rolls over her.....

Your reactions to your orgasm is your lovers reward......And we so love being rewarded....

I hope you get to ride that wave soon and often

the woodchuck


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Okay I'm going to tell you what's up. We don't want you to try to please us. We want to be the super stud who rocks your world. We don't want you to wear lingerie as a gift to us. We want you to wear lingerie because we are the super stud who rocks your world and you are trying to entice us to rock it again. We don't want oral as a gift to us. We want you to want to give us oral because we are the super stud who rocked your world and you are trying to get us going again with it. Is any of this sinking in?
> 
> Bottom line, if your man doesn't feel like the stud that rocks your world he is not going to be happy.


Thank for this WOM!! This is so good and insightful. Every time I think I understand, another layer is added.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Just wanted to let you know that something like 85% of women do not orgasm from just PIV sex. So you are normal.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What EleGirl said - It might also help you and your H to read up on male sexuality too.

Two good relationship books are "His Need, Her needs" and the "5 Love Languages".


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