# The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition



## FeministInPink

Hey kids, it's a new year and a new decade, so let's get a new thread started! Please continue all discussions from the old thread (https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/430863-singles-tam-2019-a.html) here in the new thread. Feel free to tag anyone that I have missed.

For anyone new to this thread, this is where the post-divorce Singles of TAM mingle and talk about our adventures as singles (after once being coupled), everything from small, every day stuff to adventures in dating! We share our triumphs, our challenges, and we laugh along the way, too. We are joined but some tried and true non-Single TAMers who know this is where the fun is, and they sometimes offer advice, too  

@Lila @Cynthia @3Xnocharm @Elizabeth001 @Faithful Wife @Emerging Buddhist @ConanHub @Andy1001 @Blondilocks @Hopeful Cynic @farsidejunky @lifeistooshort @AVR1962 @jorgegene @sunsetmist @TBT @Not @2&out @RebuildingMe @SunCMars @In Absentia @notmyjamie @RandomDude @Affaircare @Robbie1234 @wilson @heartsbeating @As'laDain @Livvie @ReformedHubby 

As I'm typing this list, I'm beginning to think we have more non-singles than Singles on this thread, now! Where all my Singles at?


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## ReformedHubby

Cool! You started a new one. I found this thread to be supportive at times, therapeutic at times, and...dramatic at times. But I do think those of us that have become single again and started dating again do have quite a bit of insight to offer those that find themselves single again after marriage. I myself am still in a relationship, and its still going strong even though I got her a Peleton for Christmas LoL. I had zero idea there was such a huge controversy over giving that as a gift. Whoops. She loves it though, posted it on her fb page and all her friends are poking fun and calling me abusive. For those that don't know apparently the Peleton commercial caused a huge controversy and went viral because it was seen as an offensive gift for your girlfriend or wife. I had zero idea about this when I ordered the damn thing. Luckily I didn't get dumped going into the new year!


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## Cynthia

I try not to get too involved in the singles thread, but sometimes I see something that makes my heart go plunk and I have to respond. An example is Lila making a comment that sounds like she thinks the reason the man she was talking about isn't interested in her is that she isn't beautiful enough. I found that to be disturbing.

Lila, we have all seen your gorgeous eyes, so you saying you aren't beautiful didn't sit well with me. I figured he didn't say that to you, but had to check to make sure. From reading your posts lately, you seem to be feeling insecure. Whether or not he's attracted to you physically, it is likely not the reason why he isn't interested in taking the relationship further.


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## FeministInPink

More tags
@bkyln309 @hope4family @BigToe @john117 @honcho @Ynot @Openminded @fto0293

(Yes, I'm aware Ynot is banned, but if he is ever un-banned, I'm leaving breadcrumbs so he can find his way home.)


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## Andy1001

ReformedHubby said:


> Cool! You started a new one. I found this thread to be supportive at times, therapeutic at times, and...dramatic at times. But I do think those of us that have become single again and started dating again do have quite a bit of insight to offer those that find themselves single again after marriage. I myself am still in a relationship, and its still going strong even though I got her a Peleton for Christmas LoL. I had zero idea there was such a huge controversy over giving that as a gift. Whoops. She loves it though, posted it on her fb page and all her friends are poking fun and calling me abusive. For those that don't know apparently the Peleton commercial caused a huge controversy and went viral because it was seen as an offensive gift for your girlfriend or wife. I had zero idea about this when I ordered the damn thing. Luckily I didn't get dumped going into the new year!


I own a gym and during December over a hundred women had gym membership for their husband/boyfriend as a Christmas gift. 
The amount of men who bought it for the woman in their lives?
Zero.


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## FeministInPink

ReformedHubby said:


> Cool! You started a new one. I found this thread to be supportive at times, therapeutic at times, and...dramatic at times. But I do think those of us that have become single again and started dating again do have quite a bit of insight to offer those that find themselves single again after marriage. I myself am still in a relationship, and its still going strong even though I got her a Peleton for Christmas LoL. I had zero idea there was such a huge controversy over giving that as a gift. Whoops. She loves it though, posted it on her fb page and all her friends are poking fun and calling me abusive. For those that don't know apparently the Peleton commercial caused a huge controversy and went viral because it was seen as an offensive gift for your girlfriend or wife. I had zero idea about this when I ordered the damn thing. Luckily I didn't get dumped going into the new year!


Wow, that is a VERY expensive gift. Glad she liked it--nicely done. If it's something she wants, asks for, hints at, then I think it's fine. When she DOESN'T want it is when the waters get murky...

The drama on the thread keeps it interesting, LOL


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## RebuildingMe

Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either. 

I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.


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## Affaircare

Okay I don't get that. I mean--yes, it's possibly not wise to even imply that your GF/SO/wife may need to exercise more or lose weight. I'm sure that's what the snowflakes "took offence" to. 

BUT as an example, @Emerging Buddhist and I exercise together and we're both into it. We enjoy walking (briskly) as our exercise, and yet during the cold winter months, we get to the end of a day, it's cold and dark, and we struggle with "How do we get the HR up without getting out?" So if I asked for a Peleton, or we were discussing indoor exercise equipment and he just surprised me with one, why would that NOT be a FANTASTIC gift? I mean...those babies are cool tech and they are not inexpensive!! That seems pretty thoughtful to me. 

Then again, I think I'm "different"


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## FeministInPink

_*quoting from the 2019 thread*_



Lila said:


> Oh no, no, no. Let me clear the confusion up. He never said anything like that. He's a VERY kind and polite person. I do think he's somewhat of a player and he's dating around (perfectly acceptable). I know someone who's known him for years. He told me about the beautiful exes.





Lila said:


> Yes to the bolded. I'm sure I don't fit his standard type physically based on what I know about him. But he does seem to enjoy my company. That's why I said we are staying friends.


OK, so I can see where you would gather that conclusion. Is it possible that his XW and XG just _happened_ to be very beautiful, but he was with them because of their personality? You never know... and you are beautiful on your own; your beauty is not dependent on others, or invalidated by someone else's beauty. He may think you are more beautiful, or you may actually be more his type.

And besides, it's the friend who is categorizing the exes as so beautiful.

Regardless, based on what you've said previously, I don't think this is the guy for you anyway, so I'm not trying to push you into his arms. and if you get along, friendship is fine... and who knows, he might introduce you to the man of your dreams.


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## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.
> 
> I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.


This thread isn't just about dating. It's also about adjusting to single life after being married, and for some of us, it's about our experiences intentionally staying single and NOT dating. I'm not dating right now, and I'm kind of happy about that.

So feel free to post here about ANYTHING you need feedback on, as long as it relates to being single. (Issues regarding the divorce itself, custody, etc, are best kept to that forum.) But are you excited about your new place and want to talk about it? This is the place for that! Are you learning how to cook for yourself, because your spouse did all the cooking, and need encouragement? Ask us! Trying to figure out how to build a social life as a single? We are here for you.


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## Red Sonja

I didn’t get a beacon but I always read the singles thread and contribute occasionally and, I’m single :grin2:. I find it helpful to read about the dating experiences of others here. Thank you all for being willing to share.

I am not currently dating and, have not been for about a year. It’s been a rough year socially; I have acquired a (dangerous) stalker and have had several dodgy encounters with strangers on the street (I walk everywhere and live in an urban area). Anyhow, it has caused me to walk around with my “head on a swivel” and a Taser. I’m in a sort of “stranger danger” mode. Which is not like me at all as I am usually the type that smiles at strangers, will talk to anyone and knows all the “locals”.

I know I’ll snap out of it eventually but it has just temporarily tweaked my normal confidence; it’s just a weird mindset for me.


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## ReformedHubby

Andy1001 said:


> I own a gym and during December over a hundred women had gym membership for their husband/boyfriend as a Christmas gift.
> The amount of men who bought it for the woman in their lives?
> Zero.


Ha,ha....yeah. I can totally see how certain gifts can be offensive. I only saw my mom and dad argue once on Christmas. He bought her a sewing machine based on a recommendation from her mother. One guy I used to work with found himself in hot water for buying his wife a floor cleaning machine. That was stupid...and offensive!!! I think it depends on the person. I know her pretty well at this point. She recently got her personal trainer's license and she is a fitness addict. If its something she wasn't into I certainly would have selected something different.


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## Andy1001

Red Sonja said:


> I didn’t get a beacon but I always read the singles thread and contribute occasionally and, I’m single :grin2:. I find it helpful to read about the dating experiences of others here. Thank you all for being willing to share.
> 
> I am not currently dating and, have not been for about a year. It’s been a rough year socially; I have acquired a (dangerous) stalker and have had several dodgy encounters with strangers on the street (I walk everywhere and live in an urban area). Anyhow, it has caused me to walk around with my “head on a swivel” and a Taser. I’m in a sort of “stranger danger” mode. Which is not like me at all as I am usually the type that smiles at strangers, will talk to anyone and knows all the “locals”.
> 
> I know I’ll snap out of it eventually but it has just temporarily tweaked my normal confidence; it’s just a weird mindset for me.


Are you still studying aikido?


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## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.
> 
> I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.
> 
> 
> 
> This thread isn't just about dating. It's also about adjusting to single life after being married, and for some of us, it's about our experiences intentionally staying single and NOT dating. I'm not dating right now, and I'm kind of happy about that.
> 
> So feel free to post here about ANYTHING you need feedback on, as long as it relates to being single. (Issues regarding the divorce itself, custody, etc, are best kept to that forum.) But are you excited about your new place and want to talk about it? This is the place for that! Are you learning how to cook for yourself, because your spouse did all the cooking, and need encouragement? Ask us! Trying to figure out how to build a social life as a single? We are here for you.
Click to expand...

Well, I like how you tagged people. I haven’t been here long enough to know who’s single and who’s married. Geez, I can’t even figure out who’s male and who’s female half the time!


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## Lila

Cynthia said:


> I try not to get too involved in the singles thread, but sometimes I see something that makes my heart go plunk and I have to respond. An example is Lila making a comment that sounds like she thinks the reason the man she was talking about isn't interested in her is that she isn't beautiful enough. I found that to be disturbing.
> 
> Lila, we have all seen your gorgeous eyes, so you saying you aren't beautiful didn't sit well with me. I figured he didn't say that to you, but had to check to make sure. From reading your posts lately, you seem to be feeling insecure. Whether or not he's attracted to you physically, it is likely not the reason why he isn't interested in taking the relationship further.


I do feel insecure but and am trying to work through that with a therapist. But even my therapist agrees that modern dating is brutal. She's 72 and been practicing for over 40 years. She sees more people suffering from insecurity now than ever before. 

It's very possible he's not into me physically (his previous gfs and wife were slim, I'm a size 12 on a good day). I don't begrudge him his preferences. 




RebuildingMe said:


> Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.
> 
> I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.


Thanks for the good wishes. 

I wish I could say that it's easier for men to date but I don't think so. You'll have to post updates when you dive in. I'd be curious to hear what it's like for you. 



FeministInPink said:


> OK, so I can see where you would gather that conclusion. Is it possible that his XW and XG just _happened_ to be very beautiful, but he was with them because of their personality? You never know... and you are beautiful on your own; your beauty is not dependent on others, or invalidated by someone else's beauty. He may think you are more beautiful, or you may actually be more his type.
> 
> And besides, it's the friend who is categorizing the exes as so beautiful.
> 
> Regardless, based on what you've said previously, I don't think this is the guy for you anyway, so I'm not trying to push you into his arms. and if you get along, friendship is fine... and who knows, he might introduce you to the man of your dreams.


That is true. His exes may have been beautiful women with fantastic personalities. One does not invalidate the other. I know many women who fit the bill, and let's include successful to round out the trifecta. 

In the words of my bestie, in a city where there are approximately 1.5 million single men, you'd think it would like shooting fish in a barrel. We laughed hard. C'est la vie.


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## Red Sonja

Andy1001 said:


> Are you still studying aikido?


Yup, weekly classes and also cross-fit for strength and balance maintenance.


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## Elizabeth001

ReformedHubby said:


> Ha,ha....yeah. I can totally see how certain gifts can be offensive. I only saw my mom and dad argue once on Christmas. He bought her a sewing machine based on a recommendation from her mother. One guy I used to work with found himself in hot water for buying his wife a floor cleaning machine. That was stupid...and offensive!!! I think it depends on the person. I know her pretty well at this point. She recently got her personal trainer's license and she is a fitness addict. If its something she wasn't into I certainly would have selected something different.




Just NEVER “gift” her a vacuum... even a high-tech one! 




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Livvie

I'm here and I'm single. Not yet got up the courage for online dating...


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## Andy1001

Red Sonja said:


> Yup, weekly classes and also cross-fit for strength and balance maintenance.


Aikido is a great for self defense especially for women (I’m not being sexist just realistic) but it takes a long time to perfect the techniques. If you’re worried about random attacker’s maybe you should consider one of the more attack oriented styles, Krav Maga maybe or Muay Thai.


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## Andy1001

Elizabeth001 said:


> Just NEVER “gift” her a vacuum... even a high-tech one!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been hinting about getting something with diamonds. 
I’ve bought her a deck of cards.


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## Elizabeth001

Livvie said:


> I'm here and I'm single. Not yet got up the courage for online dating...




Don’t bother...it sucks! 

I’m on a roll!



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Red Sonja

Andy1001 said:


> Aikido is a great for self defense especially for women (I’m not being sexist just realistic) but it takes a long time to perfect the techniques. If you’re worried about random attacker’s maybe you should consider one of the more attack oriented styles, Krav Maga maybe or Muay Thai.


I am as prepared as I can be and the idiots who have accosted me recently ended up running away when I countered. No harm done. However it's the increased frequency of incidents (in the last year or so) and the fact that I have to be "on guard" all the time that is affecting me mentally.

I don't know what has changed; it's not like I live in a ghetto however there seem to be more drug-addled crazy people on the streets.

ETA: I've been practicing Aikido since age 25, now am 63. I'm not perfect but I am proficient.


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## Andy1001

Red Sonja said:


> I am as prepared as I can be and the idiots who have accosted me recently ended up running away when I countered. No harm done. However it's the increased frequency of incidents (in the last year or so) and the fact that I have to be "on guard" all the time that is affecting me mentally.
> 
> I don't know what has changed; it's not like I live in a ghetto however there seem to be more drug-addled crazy people on the streets.
> 
> ETA: I've been practicing Aikido since age 25, now am 63. I'm not perfect but I am proficient.


My apologies. I was under the impression that you had started practicing aikido in the last year or two. 
I must be thinking of someone else.


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## Hopeful Cynic

I was baffled when I saw the notification of a mention. I didn't realize I got noticed around here!

I just hit ten years of single-dom, and haven't had any success in dating. I had to heal from a lot of ego-damage after my break-up and divorce, and was also too busy single parenting after my ex gave up almost all custody of our babies. It's quite surprising to me that a decade has gone by. At the start, I just optimistically assumed I'd have met and fallen in love with someone randomly by now, but it turns out it's hard to meet new people in middle age. All the activities and hobbies I get into with my limited spare time really don't attract eligible people for me. I dabbled in online dating, which is not oriented towards introverts like me, and got tired of sifting through mountains of crap-filled chaff. I suspect it was from not being willing to try a pay site, as I don't see much value to spending money when I have limited time to go on dates in the first place, and high standards to meet.

I enjoy living vicariously through all your adventures though!


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## attheend02

FeministInPink said:


> Hey kids, it's a new year and a new decade, so let's get a new thread started! Please continue all discussions from the old thread (https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/430863-singles-tam-2019-a.html) here in the new thread. Feel free to tag anyone that I have missed.
> 
> For anyone new to this thread, this is where the post-divorce Singles of TAM mingle and talk about our adventures as singles (after once being coupled), everything from small, every day stuff to adventures in dating! We share our triumphs, our challenges, and we laugh along the way, too. We are joined but some tried and true non-Single TAMers who know this is where the fun is, and they sometimes offer advice, too
> 
> @Lila @Cynthia @3Xnocharm @Elizabeth001 @Faithful Wife @Emerging Buddhist @ConanHub @Andy1001 @Blondilocks @Hopeful Cynic @farsidejunky @lifeistooshort @AVR1962 @jorgegene @sunsetmist @TBT @Not @2&out @RebuildingMe @SunCMars @In Absentia @notmyjamie @RandomDude @Affaircare @Robbie1234 @wilson @heartsbeating @As'laDain @Livvie @ReformedHubby
> 
> As I'm typing this list, I'm beginning to think we have more non-singles than Singles on this thread, now! Where all my Singles at?


Sorry... consider myself single, but won't be post-divorced until feb 8!


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## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Well, I like how you tagged people. I haven’t been here long enough to know who’s single and who’s married. Geez, I can’t even figure out who’s male and who’s female half the time!


Well, when I start a new Singles thread, I try to tag the users who posted in the previous version so they know the thread moved. Sometimes I miss some people (sorry, @Red Sonja ), but I do my best.

Not everyone I tagged is single. They've just posted to the thread before. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

Livvie said:


> I'm here and I'm single. Not yet got up the courage for online dating...


I agree with @Elizabeth001. Online dating is kind of a cesspool. A lot of frogs. A lot of wart-infested, radioactive, socially dysfunctional frogs.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

attheend02 said:


> Sorry... consider myself single, but won't be post-divorced until feb 8!


You are welcome here 

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## FeministInPink

Red Sonja said:


> I am as prepared as I can be and the idiots who have accosted me recently ended up running away when I countered. No harm done. However it's the increased frequency of incidents (in the last year or so) and the fact that I have to be "on guard" all the time that is affecting me mentally.
> 
> I don't know what has changed; it's not like I live in a ghetto however there seem to be more drug-addled crazy people on the streets.
> 
> ETA: I've been practicing Aikido since age 25, now am 63. I'm not perfect but I am proficient.


Sorry I missed you in my tag fest!

I feel like there is a lot of negative energy "out there" in general, and I think it manifests itself in more violence, more aggression, etc. in a lot of different places/ways.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I was baffled when I saw the notification of a mention. I didn't realize I got noticed around here!
> 
> 
> 
> I just hit ten years of single-dom, and haven't had any success in dating. I had to heal from a lot of ego-damage after my break-up and divorce, and was also too busy single parenting after my ex gave up almost all custody of our babies. It's quite surprising to me that a decade has gone by. At the start, I just optimistically assumed I'd have met and fallen in love with someone randomly by now, but it turns out it's hard to meet new people in middle age. All the activities and hobbies I get into with my limited spare time really don't attract eligible people for me. I dabbled in online dating, which is not oriented towards introverts like me, and got tired of sifting through mountains of crap-filled chaff. I suspect it was from not being willing to try a pay site, as I don't see much value to spending money when I have limited time to go on dates in the first place, and high standards to meet.
> 
> 
> 
> I enjoy living vicariously through all your adventures though!


If you occassionally post, I'll make sure to tag you when I start the 2021 Singles thread 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Livvie

FeministInPink said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm here and I'm single. Not yet got up the courage for online dating...
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with @Elizabeth001. Online dating is kind of a cesspool. A lot of frogs. A lot of wart-infested, radioactive, socially dysfunctional frogs.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

.
Well... Crud!!!


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## attheend02

Livvie said:


> .
> Well... Crud!!!


Its not all like that... I just had a nice relationship with a beautiful woman I met online... Unfortunately, didn't turn out long term, but not due to where I met her.


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## FeministInPink

attheend02 said:


> Its not all like that... I just had a nice relationship with a beautiful woman I met online... Unfortunately, didn't turn out long term, but not due to where I met her.


You are the exception to the rule, my friend.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

Livvie said:


> .
> Well... Crud!!!


There are a lot of people in OLD who are just looking for sex. I found very few people looking for actual relationships, and those that were... weren't looking for me.

There are a few decent men in OLD, but I haven't found them yet!

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## 2&out

Thx for the mention ! I am 10 yrs "single" now from failure 2. Can't imagine ever officially marrying again and think extremely unlikely. My memories of being married are mostly bad and my experience being single is/are very good+. 

I have never online dated so can not offer any help or advice. I have had a steady GF for a few years now. As the way life can be, I was done and not looking for anyone except for temporary *meetings* and the same one long term not preferred. But I met sparklebabe unexpectedly at a social gathering and with liquid courage said WTH and played the game thinking I would be shot down in flames at light speed. Shockingly to me still - she played along and reciprocated. I recently bought a bigger bed. I had/have an antique full sized bed special to me which was plenty for me but having a regular overnight guest it became apparent I needed a bigger one for us both to get good slumber. Guess I am accepting I have part time resident  My kids are out of the house now and I thought I was done ! LOL.

I'm very blessed and pretty damn happy with life and think 2020 is going to be a great year. Hope it is for everyone !


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## arbitrator

*Cool! But as a longtime, chronic, post-divorce single, I've never even thought about posting here!

Guess now that I know what it's intended purpose is, I'll duly reconsider! Thanks!*


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## farsidejunky

Andy1001 said:


> Aikido is a great for self defense especially for women (I’m not being sexist just realistic) but it takes a long time to perfect the techniques. If you’re worried about random attacker’s maybe you should consider one of the more attack oriented styles, Krav Maga maybe or Muay Thai.


Or BJJ.

The only thing I fear in Muay Thai is elbows...maybe knees.

I fear lots in BJJ.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001

farsidejunky said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Aikido is a great for self defense especially for women (I’m not being sexist just realistic) but it takes a long time to perfect the techniques. If you’re worried about random attacker’s maybe you should consider one of the more attack oriented styles, Krav Maga maybe or Muay Thai.
> 
> 
> 
> Or BJJ.
> 
> The only thing I fear in Muay Thai is elbows...maybe knees.
> 
> I fear lots in BJJ.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

If someone comes at you from behind a well trained elbow into the throat or solar plexus will give you enough time to get away. 
Seeing as I’m on the subject, if someone grabs you around the neck lean your head forward and then throw it back as fast as you can. His nose is a lot softer than your head. 
Alternatively if you have heels just drive them through his foot or rake them down his leg. 
Both these moves are designed to give you time to get away. Don’t hang around!


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## ConanHub

FeministInPink said:


> I agree with @Elizabeth001. Online dating is kind of a cesspool. A lot of frogs. A lot of wart-infested, radioactive, socially dysfunctional frogs.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


:allhail::grin2::laugh::laugh:


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## notmyjamie

Thanks for the shout out so I could find the new place. Like a few others here, I'm not technically single yet...my court date is at the end of this month, then 120 days out from that I'll have a new (old) name again!! I can't wait!!

I've been dating someone for almost 8 months though. The hardest part for me is reconciling my old life with my new life. Due to my unique living situation I don't really feel comfortable having him at my place so if we're going to hang out, watch a movie, etc it has to be at his place. My kids have expressed that they wish I were around more...even though I never leave until after dinner and they don't come back over to my place at all once dinner is over. LOL Teenagers. Ugh. 

My other problem is something I know everyone will say is not my problem but me, being me, means it is somewhat my problem. I've done a decent job of distancing myself emotionally from my STBXH but he has not done the same. It was definitely easier for me as once he finally admitted he was gay I was angry and that anger carried me forward. Well, that anger is gone now. On Christmas night, we all got together as we always did with my family. My brother decided it was time to confront my STBXH and told him he owed me an apology. They got into it and next thing I know, my STBXH is a complete mess. I got my apology but the expression be careful what you ask for comes to mind. It became very clear my ex is a very tortured man. It was absolutely devastating to witness him fall apart. He still loves me, still wants to be with me, hates himself for being gay, etc etc. He recently told my brother and sister in law that he was still hopeful that we'd get back together. 

So what's my problem? Now, every time I get together with my new guy I feel guilty. Not that I'm doing something wrong because I know I'm not. Just guilty that it feels like kicking a man while he's down. I've always tried not to discuss my dating with the ex but he lives right here, he knows I go out a lot. 

It's funny...when I joined this board some predicted that living so close to STBXH meant I'd never find a guy who would date me. That is not a problem at all. New guy is very secure and has no issue with it, thinks I'm a fabulous Mom for making the sacrifice. The problem is that it's making it harder for STBXH to separate himself emotionally from me which in turn is making it harder for me. 

Anyone else go through something like this? I want to enjoy my new life but some days I just feel so badly about it all.


----------



## Elizabeth001

notmyjamie said:


> Thanks for the shout out so I could find the new place. Like a few others here, I'm not technically single yet...my court date is at the end of this month, then 120 days out from that I'll have a new (old) name again!! I can't wait!!
> 
> 
> 
> I've been dating someone for almost 8 months though. The hardest part for me is reconciling my old life with my new life. Due to my unique living situation I don't really feel comfortable having him at my place so if we're going to hang out, watch a movie, etc it has to be at his place. My kids have expressed that they wish I were around more...even though I never leave until after dinner and they don't come back over to my place at all once dinner is over. LOL Teenagers. Ugh.
> 
> 
> 
> My other problem is something I know everyone will say is not my problem but me, being me, means it is somewhat my problem. I've done a decent job of distancing myself emotionally from my STBXH but he has not done the same. It was definitely easier for me as once he finally admitted he was gay I was angry and that anger carried me forward. Well, that anger is gone now. On Christmas night, we all got together as we always did with my family. My brother decided it was time to confront my STBXH and told him he owed me an apology. They got into it and next thing I know, my STBXH is a complete mess. I got my apology but the expression be careful what you ask for comes to mind. It became very clear my ex is a very tortured man. It was absolutely devastating to witness him fall apart. He still loves me, still wants to be with me, hates himself for being gay, etc etc. He recently told my brother and sister in law that he was still hopeful that we'd get back together.
> 
> 
> 
> So what's my problem? Now, every time I get together with my new guy I feel guilty. Not that I'm doing something wrong because I know I'm not. Just guilty that it feels like kicking a man while he's down. I've always tried not to discuss my dating with the ex but he lives right here, he knows I go out a lot.
> 
> 
> 
> It's funny...when I joined this board some predicted that living so close to STBXH meant I'd never find a guy who would date me. That is not a problem at all. New guy is very secure and has no issue with it, thinks I'm a fabulous Mom for making the sacrifice. The problem is that it's making it harder for STBXH to separate himself emotionally from me which in turn is making it harder for me.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyone else go through something like this? I want to enjoy my new life but some days I just feel so badly about it all.




You need to move hon and distance yourself. Cut the ties and have much less contact. For all your sakes. Just my .02.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie

Elizabeth001 said:


> You need to move hon and distance yourself. Cut the ties and have much less contact. For all your sakes. Just my .02.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If only it were that easy. I am legally bound to keep this house for another 3 years and I can't afford this house and a second one. My best hope is that he decide before those three years are up that he wants to move. Until he heals and moves on that won't be happening. I suggested counseling (again) but his counselor is pushing him to start immersing himself in the gay culture and he doesn't want to do that so he stopped going. So then I suggested a support group for gay men leaving straight marriages. He wasn't as opposed to that...we'll see what happens. 

I think keeping the house is a way of keeping me and our family together. He is too messed up to see how much it's actually hurting him. 2 of my 3 children have expressed that they'd rather we just sell it and go our separate ways but he refuses to sell early. 

This is what happens when parents can't accept their kids for who they are...so sad.


----------



## sunsetmist

As has been discussed before, even though your current arrangement is convenient, it offers STBX false hope. Do not let guilt replace your anger/pain. He is suffering the consequences of not being honest much, much earlier. He has hurt more people to a greater degree to be selfish. If he was not so selfish, he would sell now, not hold you hostage. Could y'all rent the mother-in-law suite? I know, I am not there and do not really understand. Sorry.

Of course, he has love for you, the mother of his children. In ways, you are an acceptable habit. But he does not want you as a beloved relationship partner--no one's fault, just is. 

Do not let him continue to live rent-free in your head. I think you are truly blessed to have found someone else.


----------



## notmyjamie

sunsetmist said:


> As has been discussed before, even though your current arrangement is convenient, it offers STBX false hope. Do not let guilt replace your anger/pain. He is suffering the consequences of not being honest much, much earlier. He has hurt more people to a greater degree to be selfish. If he was not so selfish, he would sell now, not hold you hostage. Could y'all rent the mother-in-law suite? I know, I am not there and do not really understand. Sorry.
> 
> Of course, he has love for you, the mother of his children. In ways, you are an acceptable habit. But he does not want you as a beloved relationship partner--no one's fault, just is.
> 
> Do not let him continue to live rent-free in your head. I think you are truly blessed to have found someone else.


Unfortunately, renting out my apartment is not an option. It is an inlaw suite and as such town bylaws prohibit renting it out to anyone who is not a close family member. I have to prove that I am the one occupying it yearly to prove I am upholding the terms of the contract. 

You are very correct, he is holding me hostage. I don't believe it's something he's doing with malice though...he just can't let go. He's terrified to be alone. That became clear during his breakdown Christmas night. 

I do not allow all of this to affect my new life...I feel badly but I do still go and do the things I want to do. I just want to move on with my life and not have to worry about him. Maybe it's just unrealistic to think that a person can move on without ever having to think of the other person? I've done it when ending other relationships but this is different, he's the father of my children. Even if he didn't live one doorway away I'd still worry about how he is doing. 

I did tell him that the love he feels for me may be love, but it's not true romantic love. At that point he started banging his hands against his head screaming "I don't want to be gay!!" over and over..."I just want to love you!!" It was horrifying to be honest and maybe I'm still just reeling from that. 

Thanks for listening, it helps to get it out sometimes.


----------



## Affaircare

@notmyjamie, 

Here's my thought: for years...decades even...he was part of your life and you cared for him. He was not who he represented himself to be, but nonetheless, you tended to him and were mindful of him and gave a personal interest. I suspect you may have even had moments of feeling some responsibility toward him, in the sense of doing your best to be a good wife. 

That doesn't just "go away." In fact, living in close proximity like you do will probably prolong that feeling of caring, because even if you gradually do become 'just housemates' there will still be some attachment. If you were in no contact, you'd be able to move more quickly toward thinking of him like the mailman or auto mechanic (meaning civil but unattached). 

Right now, you "care" that you are kicking the guy while he's down. Well...remind yourself of the truth of the situation. If he is down, it is of his own making. He still loves you...he still hopes you two can get back together...but he's also still gay. I'm not saying this to be mean toward him, but rather just to remind you of one thing: it's all still about HIM. Nowhere in those statements is there even a shred of recognition of what YOU may feel or want or need. I mean, I get it--he still thinks you are a good person, and you may think that of him. Guess what? Gay people can be great people! But if he TRULY cared ABOUT YOU, he would be cognizant that you are straight and would therefore have your needs met by another straight person. He is thinking of himself and that he doesn't want it to be so hard and he doesn't want it to be so messy or to lose so much. 

So if he doesn't want to be down, all he has to do is stop being delusional and stop being in denial and be honest. With himself...with all the families...and with the world at large. He is a GAY MAN. He'd like to be a moral, decent gay man, and that's okay. He can do that by finding a nice, male partner who cares for him and meets his needs, and then living an honorable, kind and generous life. He has to stop deluding himself, and he'll stop "being down"...and you can't do that for him. 

The VERY BEST THING you can do, for him *and for you*, is no contact--and barring that, as little contact as humanly possible. You need time, just like he does, to disentangle and detach. No more "family Christmas" get togethers. No more birthdays together. No more.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Affaircare said:


> Right now, you "care" that you are kicking the guy while he's down. Well...remind yourself of the truth of the situation. If he is down, it is of his own making. He still loves you...he still hopes you two can get back together...but he's also still gay. I'm not saying this to be mean toward him, but rather just to remind you of one thing: *it's all still about HIM. Nowhere in those statements is there even a shred of recognition of what YOU may feel or want or need. * I mean, I get it--he still thinks you are a good person, and you may think that of him. Guess what? Gay people can be great people! *But if he TRULY cared ABOUT YOU, he would be cognizant that you are straight and would therefore have your needs met by another straight person. He is thinking of himself and that he doesn't want it to be so hard and he doesn't want it to be so messy or to lose so much. *


I had this same thought. IF he really loves you so much, he would want you to be happy. He cannot be a husband to you, and he is being massively selfish and unfair by purposely keeping you roped into that house. HOW is that love?? Its not... its self serving and childish. Can you work with your attorney to enter in some kind of legal request to terminate this agreement?


----------



## notmyjamie

Affaircare said:


> @notmyjamie,
> 
> 
> Right now, you "care" that you are kicking the guy while he's down. Well...remind yourself of the truth of the situation. If he is down, it is of his own making. He still loves you...he still hopes you two can get back together...but he's also still gay. I'm not saying this to be mean toward him, but rather just to remind you of one thing: it's all still about HIM. Nowhere in those statements is there even a shred of recognition of what YOU may feel or want or need. I mean, I get it--he still thinks you are a good person, and you may think that of him. Guess what? Gay people can be great people! But if he TRULY cared ABOUT YOU, he would be cognizant that you are straight and would therefore have your needs met by another straight person. He is thinking of himself and that he doesn't want it to be so hard and he doesn't want it to be so messy or to lose so much.
> 
> To be clear, he did say multiple times during his breakdown that he knows still wanting me is "twisted" and that I should forget all about him and just go be happy on my own. So on some level he knows this.
> 
> 
> The VERY BEST THING you can do, for him *and for you*, is no contact--and barring that, as little contact as humanly possible. You need time, just like he does, to disentangle and detach. No more "family Christmas" get togethers. No more birthdays together. No more.
> 
> Doing those things together was not for his benefit but for my children's benefit. I did tell them that I couldn't promise I'd want to do Christmas the same next year. So they know things might look very different next Christmas. I've laid the groundwork for that already, thankfully.





3Xnocharm said:


> I had this same thought. IF he really loves you so much, he would want you to be happy. He cannot be a husband to you, and he is being massively selfish and unfair by purposely keeping you roped into that house. HOW is that love?? Its not... its self serving and childish. Can you work with your attorney to enter in some kind of legal request to terminate this agreement?
> 
> The agreement was made in mediation. He went into it asking for 10 years, I gave him 3 which would bring us to about 6 months after my youngest graduates. In giving in to this, I also got some financial things I wanted, he refused alimony and I we evened out our 401K's which I benefited from greatly. My hope is that as he heals he'll realize holding onto the house is not a good idea. In the meantime I'm going to take everyone's advice and try to limit contact as much as possible and just live my life. It's a fresh wound for me, seeing his real pain, and I guess I need to heal from that as well. Being angry was so much easier.
> 
> On the plus side, things with my new guy are going very well. It's almost a good thing that I'm tied to keeping this house otherwise we might be tempted to move too quickly. As my mother always said, no great loss without some small gain. I guess that's the gain...it's keeping my head in check.


----------



## FeministInPink

@notmyjamie Apologies if I get anything wrong here, since I don't have your full backstory. (Lots of threads, I read a few posts, but not all.) So, you and your STBX are staying in the same house, with you living in the in-law suite, and he the rest of the house? What is this contract that is preventing the suite from being rented out, and you living somewhere else? And what is preventing you both from selling the house? Because this arrangement is really unhealthy for you, and it's also preventing him from moving on.

If you can't sell the house, is there a possibility that the two of you can rent out the entire house (rather than just the suite), and you BOTH move out and get your own places?

My heart breaks for your STBXH, because he really has no idea of how to move forward. But he's also rejecting all the the opportunities presented to him that would help him to love and accept himself. I think he is really scared.

That doesn't excuse anything, of course. He needs to understand why you can't be married to him anymore, and how unfair it is of him to expect you to continue to be his beard, which would mean denying you the relationship you want and deserve. But he's also denying himself the same thing. That's really sad.

If you guys can get the distance that you need from one another, so that you can heal and grow into your new, post-divorce selves, I think you might have a chance at being friends and having a positive relationship in the future, in which you could support and love one another in a platonic way that. And I wonder if that isn't what he fears more--losing your friendship? You've been the most important person in his life for a really long time, and the idea of a future without you must be terrifying for him. Because he's not just going to be single... he's going to be single, and trying to figure out in mid-life how to live as a gay man. Without the support of his best friend. And being gay has cost him everything. So coming to this realization, and being out to you, is not a positive thing for him.

Sorry to go off on that whole tangent, because we were talking about you. It's awesome that your boyfriend is so understanding of the situation. And re: your kids complaining that you're not around so much, even though they're not around as much either, because they're teenagers? Maybe you just need to make some extra effort to put in some quality one-on-one time with each of them. So they know that you're not forgetting about them through all of this, and that they are still a priority for you. And that they are a higher priority than the boyfriend. I have a feeling that's what their comments are implying, that they think the boyfriend is taking priority over them. 

I understand, yes, yes, that having a new person in your life doesn't diminish the love you feel for them, and you think that they're so busy going off and doing their own thing that is shouldn't matter what you choose to do when they aren't around. But they're in a pretty vulnerable stage of their lives right now, and there are a lot of hormones changing their brain chemistry, and their teenage brains may not have the capacity to understand nuance the way adults do, and they sometimes need to see things in starker terms, and they interpret things in starker terms.


----------



## notmyjamie

FeministInPink said:


> @notmyjamie Apologies if I get anything wrong here, since I don't have your full backstory. (Lots of threads, I read a few posts, but not all.) So, you and your STBX are staying in the same house, with you living in the in-law suite, and he the rest of the house? What is this contract that is preventing the suite from being rented out, and you living somewhere else? And what is preventing you both from selling the house? Because this arrangement is really unhealthy for you, and it's also preventing him from moving on.
> 
> 
> Our town bylaws state that only very close family members can live in the inlaw apartment, a parent, child, sibling, etc. So 16 years ago when we applied for the permit to have it built, we entered into a contract to uphold that provision. We have to prove who lives there yearly.
> 
> What's preventing me from selling the house is that as part of our divorce settlement I agreed not to sell the house for another 3 years. He had wanted 10 years, I got it down to three.
> 
> If I had all of this to do over again, I would have him move out back when I asked for the divorce. I was doing it this way for my kids. Ironically, 2 of the 3 have said they'd prefer a more traditional divorce situation. Too late now, I'm trapped. I have told my STBXH of their preference and had them talk to him but he is still too afraid to sell the house at this point I think. I think he is afraid the kids will come with me. I can afford a larger house than he will be able to afford. I would never, ever keep them from him but he is the same guy who had a total breakdown when our oldest left for college.
> 
> 
> If you can't sell the house, is there a possibility that the two of you can rent out the entire house (rather than just the suite), and you BOTH move out and get your own places?
> 
> Again, my STBXH is the one who is blocking this. I could rearrange some stuff financially and rent out my own place but I'm not sure I could get one big enough for my kids to live with me so I'm not wanting to go that route.
> 
> My heart breaks for your STBXH, because he really has no idea of how to move forward. But he's also rejecting all the the opportunities presented to him that would help him to love and accept himself. I think he is really scared.
> 
> He is quite terrified. It was so awful to see, really, really awful.
> 
> That doesn't excuse anything, of course. He needs to understand why you can't be married to him anymore, and how unfair it is of him to expect you to continue to be his beard, which would mean denying you the relationship you want and deserve. But he's also denying himself the same thing. That's really sad.
> 
> He knows on some level why I need to leave him and live my own life. He told me he wants me to be happy. He's too afraid to even think about trying to meet someone for himself. If he would do that, I think he'd let go of holding onto me and the house so that he could move on too.
> 
> If you guys can get the distance that you need from one another, so that you can heal and grow into your new, post-divorce selves, I think you might have a chance at being friends and having a positive relationship in the future, in which you could support and love one another in a platonic way that. And I wonder if that isn't what he fears more--losing your friendship? You've been the most important person in his life for a really long time, and the idea of a future without you must be terrifying for him. Because he's not just going to be single... he's going to be single, and trying to figure out in mid-life how to live as a gay man. Without the support of his best friend. And being gay has cost him everything. So coming to this realization, and being out to you, is not a positive thing for him.
> 
> All of this is true. He told me recently, before his breakdown at Christmas that it's been very difficult for him lately, he's "going through a lot" and it's all that much harder trying to do it without me "the one who always knew how to make everything right again." I would like to envision a future where we could be friends and co parent as friends. I know that's what my kids want and I think I could get there for sure. I know this is not something he did to me on purpose. In the middle of his breakdown he said "I loved you so much I thought that would be enough." That makes it easier to forgive him. I guess I'd love to find a way to support him now without giving him any false hopes about our future. Our future is set and we will not ever be a couple again.
> 
> 
> Sorry to go off on that whole tangent, because we were talking about you. It's awesome that your boyfriend is so understanding of the situation. And re: your kids complaining that you're not around so much, even though they're not around as much either, because they're teenagers? Maybe you just need to make some extra effort to put in some quality one-on-one time with each of them. So they know that you're not forgetting about them through all of this, and that they are still a priority for you. And that they are a higher priority than the boyfriend. I have a feeling that's what their comments are implying, that they think the boyfriend is taking priority over them.
> 
> 
> Funny you should say that. I have talked with them and said the same thing, maybe we need to schedule times together to do stuff and spend time together. They loved the idea...and every time I try to schedule something, they are too busy. Teens are hard...I'll keep at it. I have told them over and over that I am one phone call away and I will always come back if they need me for something. I think they just miss those organic moments with me...coming downstairs for a drink and having a quick talk before they go back upstairs, etc. I miss those times too to be honest. I do have dinner with them a few nights a week so we do have that time.


----------



## Openminded

I think what your husband really loved was the safety of being married to you. Being gay is apparently unsettling to him and he’s having trouble letting go of his security blanket (you). I doubt that he will be able to completely separate himself until the two of you are truly living in separate households. Until then, limiting contact helps. 

My ex-husband wanted very much not to be divorced. He wanted me to just overlook those pesky little cheating issues — that he claimed meant nothing — so we could stay together. I was very much his security blanket and the one he could always depend on to make everything okay. He was convinced he loved me more than anything on earth and maybe he actually did. But it didn’t matter because that wasn’t how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. 

Your husband may feel the same way.


----------



## attheend02

notmyjamie said:


> Unfortunately, renting out my apartment is not an option. It is an inlaw suite and as such town bylaws prohibit renting it out to anyone who is not a close family member. I have to prove that I am the one occupying it yearly to prove I am upholding the terms of the contract.
> 
> You are very correct, he is holding me hostage. I don't believe it's something he's doing with malice though...he just can't let go. He's terrified to be alone. That became clear during his breakdown Christmas night.
> 
> I do not allow all of this to affect my new life...I feel badly but I do still go and do the things I want to do. I just want to move on with my life and not have to worry about him. Maybe it's just unrealistic to think that a person can move on without ever having to think of the other person? I've done it when ending other relationships but this is different, he's the father of my children. Even if he didn't live one doorway away I'd still worry about how he is doing.
> 
> I did tell him that the love he feels for me may be love, but it's not true romantic love. At that point he started banging his hands against his head screaming "I don't want to be gay!!" over and over..."I just want to love you!!" It was horrifying to be honest and maybe I'm still just reeling from that.
> 
> Thanks for listening, it helps to get it out sometimes.


Hopefully when the divorce is final, he'll stop clinging to false hope....

Seems kind of strange that your brother would poke the bear on a christmas get together.


----------



## notmyjamie

attheend02 said:


> Hopefully when the divorce is final, he'll stop clinging to false hope....
> 
> Seems kind of strange that your brother would poke the bear on a christmas get together.


As my mother would have said...alcohol may have been involved. My brother did admit he screwed up.


----------



## Cynthia

From what I hear Jamie saying, he loves her deeply and relies on her as his closest friend, but he doesn't have romantic feelings for her. He doesn't know how he's going to go on without her in his life. It sounds heartbreaking. He really needs to be in therapy with someone who isn't going to push him into adopting a lifestyle that he doesn't want, but who will help him to integrate and form a life that works for him while not denying the truth of who he is.


----------



## TXTrini

Here, single and made myself mingle lol.

I took a hiatus for a few months to pull myself together. I'm still in therapy, rebuilding myself, enrolled in grad school - completed 1/12 courses with an A and went out with 3 men. I was surprised at the response from a wide variety of men of all ages, backgrounds and personalities.  I even made a fun friend out of it, even though we didn't hit it off, we've been cheering each other on. It was scary AF, but I needed to clear my head so I wouldn't freeze, and of course get my sexy back and regain my confidence.



Livvie said:


> I'm here and I'm single. Not yet got up the courage for online dating...


Just do it girl! You might be surprised. Sure I've talked to a LOT of *******s, but I've become more confident and adept in handling men. I'm not looking for anything serious atm., but also not looking to test drive the entire lot, and I'm still having lots of fun flirting outrageously and nOT beimg closed off. I refuse to let my experiences embitter me, I wasted enough years of my life on a man who threw away nearly 19 years of love, loyalty and committment for a piece of ass. 

Don't apologize for not wanting want anyone is offering if it's not what you want and be firm about it. I've had to send a few packing and stop feeling guilty not to respond to every man that messages me. I forgot the woman I used to be before I got worn down by responsibility and depression of my ex husband not wanting me. It's great to feel alive again.


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## Livvie

TXTrini said:


> Here, single and made myself mingle lol.
> 
> I took a hiatus for a few months to pull myself together. I'm still in therapy, rebuilding myself, enrolled in grad school - completed 1/12 courses with an A and went out with 3 men. I was surprised at the response from a wide variety of men of all ages, backgrounds and personalities. I even made a fun friend out of it, even though we didn't hit it off, we've been cheering each other on. It was scary AF, but I needed to clear my head so I wouldn't freeze, and of course get my sexy back and regain my confidence.
> 
> 
> 
> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm here and I'm single. Not yet got up the courage for online dating...
> 
> 
> 
> Just do it girl! You might be surprised. Sure I've talked to a LOT of *******s, but I've become more confident and adept in handling men. I'm not looking for anything serious atm., but also not looking to test drive the entire lot, and I'm still having lots of fun flirting outrageously and nOT beimg closed off. I refuse to let my experiences embitter me, I wasted enough years of my life on a man who threw away nearly 19 years of love, loyalty and committment for a piece of ass.
> 
> Don't apologize for not wanting want anyone is offering if it's not what you want and be firm about it. I've had to send a few packing and stop feeling guilty not to respond to every man that messages me. I forgot the woman I used to be before I got worn down by responsibility and depression of my ex husband not wanting me. It's great to feel alive again.
Click to expand...

TXTrini,

Thank you for the encouragement! May I ask, what you used for online dating? I've heard some are better than others!


----------



## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> TXTrini,
> 
> Thank you for the encouragement! May I ask, what you used for online dating? I've heard some are better than others!


Hi Livvie,
I've tried eharmony, ******* and just joined match.com. 

Eharmony

I didn't care for the matches I was getting, both in attractiveness and distance. Some of the men were extremely butt hurt I didn't find them attractive and whined about it if I made the mistake of being polite to reply to a long message and be kind but honest. Ok then, lesson learned: don't message men period unless I'm interested

******* 

So, there were a lot of people from diverse backgrounds, some way too diverse and pushy for my tastes (trans, couples, plus and men offering me gangbangs) despite apparently vanilla old me just looking for 1 regular dude, but that is what swiping left is for. Apparently some of them can't read, b/c they didn't seem to read a word on my profile. I decided to be kind to the less intellectually fortunate and keep my mouth closed.

I went on 3 dates. The first one was kinda hot, but ended up being a real piece of work, too lurid to post here &#55357;&#56834;, you'll have to PM me for that story. The second guy was really nice, we hit it off and we're dating for over a month, then nothing... So I decided to go out with no. 3, even though I felt weird about seeing a younger man. For some reason, younger men want to date me, but I need good conversation, so I'm not interested in 20 y/o babies swinging off my... I also had a lot of old guys, which I just had to laugh at, bc they would just not survive me, apparently I'm a dangerous woman, b/c I've got that comment a lot when I cut through the BS early on. I put up with enough crap, and I'm not wasting time now.

Anyway...

Match.com

I've been here about 3 days, already overwhelmed with the sheer number of men who do not freaking read, anyway left, left and left. I actually had to resort to putting a disclaimer at the top of my profile that I can't have kids, so why bother messing with men who are looking to start a family? I already met a few crazies, one caught me at an unfortunate mood, so I let him say everything he wanted to until he got to where I knew he was going... non-monogamy, then goodbye. There are some seriously eligible seeming men on there, but time will tell.

I heard about bumble, but I haven't tried it, I don't like making the first move. I will indicate my interest, but I love to be pursued. It might take longer to find what I want, but I'd rather take care of my own needs than settle. This princess is not going to kiss a bunch of frogs to find her prince. 

Do share when you decide to do it girl! Feel free to PM if you need some moral support!


----------



## VibrantWings

I'm one of the Singles now but have met some new folks through online dating. Some good...some okay to forget. That's how it usually goes though. Looking forward to 2020 and what it may blow into my life


----------



## Livvie

TXTrini said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> TXTrini,
> 
> Thank you for the encouragement! May I ask, what you used for online dating? I've heard some are better than others!
> 
> 
> 
> Hi Livvie,
> I've tried eharmony, ******* and just joined match.com.
> 
> Eharmony
> 
> I didn't care for the matches I was getting, both in attractiveness and distance. Some of the men were extremely butt hurt I didn't find them attractive and whined about it if I made the mistake of being polite to reply to a long message and be kind but honest. Ok then, lesson learned: don't message men period unless I'm interested
> 
> *******
> 
> So, there were a lot of people from diverse backgrounds, some way too diverse and pushy for my tastes (trans, couples, plus and men offering me gangbangs) despite apparently vanilla old me just looking for 1 regular dude, but that is what swiping left is for. Apparently some of them can't read, b/c they didn't seem to read a word on my profile. I decided to be kind to the less intellectually fortunate and keep my mouth closed.
> 
> I went on 3 dates. The first one was kinda hot, but ended up being a real piece of work, too lurid to post here ��, you'll have to PM me for that story. The second guy was really nice, we hit it off and we're dating for over a month, then nothing... So I decided to go out with no. 3, even though I felt weird about seeing a younger man. For some reason, younger men want to date me, but I need good conversation, so I'm not interested in 20 y/o babies swinging off my... I also had a lot of old guys, which I just had to laugh at, bc they would just not survive me, apparently I'm a dangerous woman, b/c I've got that comment a lot when I cut through the BS early on. I put up with enough crap, and I'm not wasting time now.
> 
> Anyway...
> 
> Match.com
> 
> I've been here about 3 days, already overwhelmed with the sheer number of men who do not freaking read, anyway left, left and left. I actually had to resort to putting a disclaimer at the top of my profile that I can't have kids, so why bother messing with men who are looking to start a family? I already met a few crazies, one caught me at an unfortunate mood, so I let him say everything he wanted to until he got to where I knew he was going... non-monogamy, then goodbye. There are some seriously eligible seeming men on there, but time will tell.
> 
> I heard about bumble, but I haven't tried it, I don't like making the first move. I will indicate my interest, but I love to be pursued. It might take longer to find what I want, but I'd rather take care of my own needs than settle. This princess is not going to kiss a bunch of frogs to find her prince.
> 
> Do share when you decide to do it girl! Feel free to PM if you need some moral support!
Click to expand...

Oooh thanks for this! I'll go in with my eyes open and with the forewarning that a lot of the men may not be garden variety average dudes, like I'm looking for! 

I'll be back with any updates when I have them!!!


----------



## Not

Yay! New thread lol!

My trip cross country was awesome. I drove from the Great Lakes area to southern Washington state by myself and absolutely loved it. I love to drive anyway. I had my caffeine, nicotine and my music and made it out there in two days. I spent the night in Cheyenne. From there D24 and I drove south to the Lake Tahoe area and spent Christmas with my family and relaxed for three days then got back home one week after I left. I love doing things like that but it did kick my butt lol! It took me a good week to recover catching up on all the sleep I didn’t get while I was gone. 

The latest with me is Sky is no longer in the picture, just to much going on with his daughter. I’m really ok with that because I just couldn’t get into him like I did the first time I was seeing him. It wasn’t working for me. 

Also, I’m pretty sure I have gallstones. I mentioned in the old thread I had something going on and it’s only getting worse. My doc has me doing an elimination diet but that hasn’t helped at all. It’s getting to the point where I’m having trouble coping with the pain and vomiting. Time to tell my doc this is NOT a food sensitivity, not when a sneeze or cough or a bumpy road can set off an attack. Sooo, I see surgery in my near future.

Life is good otherwise. 

I’m back on plenty of fish and wondering why I bother lol! The sheer number of “oh hell no” and “you have got to be kidding” is as bad as ever. I’ve seen ONE guy who had me all excited but he lives a few hours away. It’s ironic how my desire to meet someone lessens more and more as I spend more time on that site. Kind of good therapy actually lol! It shows me how good my life is just the way it is.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

What is it with you kids and gallstones?

I have seen more 40's w/stones in the last 2 years than I think I have in the previous 10... 

I hope you didn't do all freeway? I can give you some great backroad routes Cindy and I have ridden if interested in the future when you head this direction past Glacier and Yellowstone.


----------



## Girl_power

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What is it with you kids and gallstones?
> 
> 
> 
> I have seen more 40's w/stones in the last 2 years than I think I have in the previous 10...
> 
> 
> 
> I hope you didn't do all freeway? I can give you some great backroad routes Cindy and I have ridden if interested in the future when you head this direction past Glacier and Yellowstone.




The 3 Fs. Fat, forty and female. I know that sounds terrible but that’s a popular pneumonic taught for medical boards.


----------



## bkyln309

Im late of the party on the gifting thread. But for the record, any man who wants to get me a Peleton bike, gym membership or a high tech vacuum, will be worshipped not vilified.


----------



## notmyjamie

Not said:


> Also, I’m pretty sure I have gallstones. I mentioned in the old thread I had something going on and it’s only getting worse. My doc has me doing an elimination diet but that hasn’t helped at all. It’s getting to the point where I’m having trouble coping with the pain and vomiting. Time to tell my doc this is NOT a food sensitivity, not when a sneeze or cough or a bumpy road can set off an attack. Sooo, I see surgery in my near future.


I had my gallbladder out last February. It was such an easy recovery. I had been having attacks for quite a few months. Finally had such a severe one I ended up in the ER. Doctor said my recent weight loss caused me to build up too many stones. I also had a rare tumor inside. Glad it's gone!!! I was sore for a couple days, never took any narcotics, just used motrin and tylenol. Back to work in 2 weeks, would have been sooner but since I don't have desk job I had to wait until I could lift heavy stuff again. My advice is to go and get it done sooner rather than later...you'll be glad you did!!!

Good luck!!


----------



## attheend02

notmyjamie said:


> I had my gallbladder out last February. It was such an easy recovery. I had been having attacks for quite a few months. Finally had such a severe one I ended up in the ER. Doctor said my recent weight loss caused me to build up too many stones. I also had a rare tumor inside. Glad it's gone!!! I was sore for a couple days, never took any narcotics, just used motrin and tylenol. Back to work in 2 weeks, would have been sooner but since I don't have desk job I had to wait until I could lift heavy stuff again. My advice is to go and get it done sooner rather than later...you'll be glad you did!!!
> 
> Good luck!!


Uh Oh... I hope that isn't a result of what I call the Divorce Diet! Best diet I've ever been on.


----------



## notmyjamie

attheend02 said:


> Uh Oh... I hope that isn't a result of what I call the Divorce Diet! Best diet I've ever been on.


Nope. It was the result of a lot of hard work. I had gained 55lbs while I was partially paralyzed and pretty much bed ridden for about 18 months. STBXH couldn't or wouldn't cook and so it was all take out all the time and no exercise. Once I had my spinal surgery and could walk again I set to take that weight off again. I've lost 35 of it...been at a standstill for quite a while. Need to really get back at it.


----------



## attheend02

notmyjamie said:


> Nope. It was the result of a lot of hard work. I had gained 55lbs while I was partially paralyzed and pretty much bed ridden for about 18 months. STBXH couldn't or wouldn't cook and so it was all take out all the time and no exercise. Once I had my spinal surgery and could walk again I set to take that weight off again. I've lost 35 of it...been at a standstill for quite a while. Need to really get back at it.


I know how the standstill feels. I had a goal of another 10 lbs loss and can't quite make it happen.

Darn work lunches.


----------



## notmyjamie

attheend02 said:


> I know how the standstill feels. I had a goal of another 10 lbs loss and can't quite make it happen.
> 
> Darn work lunches.


The standstill is my own fault, haven't been very good about meal planning, exercise, etc lately. I made a goal to start back up with the first of the year and bam...I've been sick since Christmas so eating well and exercising are the last things on my mind right now. I'll get there. Maybe I'll pull out some of my best recipes today and look for some new ones. I have gained back 6lbs and that's just not okay. 

My problem is that in order to lose weight I have to eat all the time. Sounds crazy but my metabolism slows to nothing if I don't have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. It's not my natural way of eating...if I'm not thinking about it I'll have a snack at about noon and then dinner and nothing else. So to lose weight I have to plan a lot and it doesn't come naturally to me at all. It's a lot of work.


----------



## In Absentia

Very late to the party too... thank you very much for including me, although not divorced or separated (at the moment). But we are, technically... not sure how much I'll be able to contribute, since I'm terrified of dating someone...


----------



## Not

notmyjamie said:


> I had my gallbladder out last February. It was such an easy recovery. I had been having attacks for quite a few months. Finally had such a severe one I ended up in the ER. Doctor said my recent weight loss caused me to build up too many stones. I also had a rare tumor inside. Glad it's gone!!! I was sore for a couple days, never took any narcotics, just used motrin and tylenol. Back to work in 2 weeks, would have been sooner but since I don't have desk job I had to wait until I could lift heavy stuff again. My advice is to go and get it done sooner rather than later...you'll be glad you did!!!
> 
> Good luck!!


Thanks for sharing your story NMJ! My ultrasound is Thursday and I'm soooo hoping they find something so this can be resolved. I'm the type who also doesn't usually need meds after minor surgeries, so good to know you did well without them. I have a desk job so I'm hoping I can return to work ASAP.


----------



## Not

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I hope you didn't do all freeway? I can give you some great backroad routes Cindy and I have ridden if interested in the future when you head this direction past Glacier and Yellowstone.


I took 80 all the way across to Washington then from there took the Oregon Outback down to 395 into California then through Reno into Carson City. The Outback and 395 were absolutely gorgeous! We took a lot of pictures going through there and very few other travelers were out and about so it was like we had the whole place to ourselves. And without any law enforcement in sight I was able cut about 30-40 minutes off our travel time! :laugh:

Going home we took 50 up into Fernley then hopped onto 80 from there. If I had had more time I would have loved to meander around. I've never been to Yellowstone and I want to see the Grand Canyon, those are on my bucket list.


----------



## notmyjamie

Not said:


> Thanks for sharing your story NMJ! My ultrasound is Thursday and I'm soooo hoping they find something so this can be resolved. I'm the type who also doesn't usually need meds after minor surgeries, so good to know you did well without them. I have a desk job so I'm hoping I can return to work ASAP.


Keeping my fingers crossed they find tons of stones, wall thickening, sludge, etc...all so you can get this done as soon as possible!!!


----------



## Not

notmyjamie said:


> Keeping my fingers crossed they find tons of stones, wall thickening, sludge, etc...all so you can get this done as soon as possible!!!


Haha! Me too!!


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Not said:


> I took 80 all the way across to Washington then from there took the Oregon Outback down to 395 into California then through Reno into Carson City. The Outback and 395 were absolutely gorgeous! We took a lot of pictures going through there and very few other travelers were out and about so it was like we had the whole place to ourselves. And without any law enforcement in sight I was able cut about 30-40 minutes off our travel time! :laugh:
> 
> Going home we took 50 up into Fernley then hopped onto 80 from there. If I had had more time I would have loved to meander around. I've never been to Yellowstone and I want to see the Grand Canyon, those are on my bucket list.


Ah, I-90?

Lots of good riding in that area of 395 South! That section between Pendleton through John Day to Burns is the best!


----------



## Faithful Wife

A quick update from me....I have not wanted to be around TAM much lately so am taking a break (still on it) but just wanted to check in.

Even though I don't really have much to share!

I am not seeing anyone and had taken a break from the dating apps for a bit, but just this week turned them back on and now have 2 dates with 2 different guys lined up for this weekend. Both seem like good candidates for what I'm seeking but we never know until we get there, of course.

A week or two ago, my silver fox Paul Hollywood lookalike reached out to me and said he'd been thinking of me and missed me and yada yada yada. We had not had any contact since the day I broke it off so it was weird to hear from him out of the blue. Anyway, I quickly remembered all the reasons I do not want to see him again...but dang, I also quickly remembered how freaking hot and sexy he is and how great the sex was between us. I've never really been in this position before where someone who is not really interesting or intelligent enough to keep me around is ALSO so hot and sexy (and good at sex) that I feel drawn to them anyway. I remember it used to confuse me when I was younger and guy friends would keep going back to these women who they didn't even like or respect but the women were hot bimbos and so it was like the guys had no way to refuse them. I used to think the guys were idiots for behaving this way.  But, I totally get it now. I'm so conflicted about my feelings with this guy but honestly if we are going to hang out together I will not be able to resist hooking up with him. So he was definitely angling for a hook up, but I was able to just put him off and be polite about it. However, I told him I may be willing to hang out in a few weeks once he gets back from a trip he's taking. I also may change my mind before then. I don't know, I'm so up and down on that guy. He's so hotttt!!!! And I just want to kiss him and have sex with him!!! As long as we just don't try to have much conversation. Ugh. Why does he have to be so freaking sexy and bomb me with it? lol

I haven't been with anyone since him either so part of my feelings are simply because I'm in the middle of a dry spell and he's my last good sexy memories.

So like I said, not much of an update...am looking forward to my 2 dates this weekend, looking forward to meeting these chaps in person. Both are sexy in their way and neither has been a cad at all while chatting on the dating site (is a good sign when they are sexy but not a cad). I don't normally line up 2 at once but that's just how this worked out this time.

I've been checking people's updates here but haven't signed in or posted for a while. I'll check back in after my dates.

Happy new year to all my lovely singletons!!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Faithful Wife said:


> A quick update from me....I have not wanted to be around TAM much lately so am taking a break (still on it) but just wanted to check in.
> 
> Even though I don't really have much to share!
> 
> I am not seeing anyone and had taken a break from the dating apps for a bit, but just this week turned them back on and now have 2 dates with 2 different guys lined up for this weekend. Both seem like good candidates for what I'm seeking but we never know until we get there, of course.
> 
> A week or two ago, my silver fox Paul Hollywood lookalike reached out to me and said he'd been thinking of me and missed me and yada yada yada. We had not had any contact since the day I broke it off so it was weird to hear from him out of the blue. Anyway, I quickly remembered all the reasons I do not want to see him again...but dang, I also quickly remembered how freaking hot and sexy he is and how great the sex was between us. I've never really been in this position before where someone who is not really interesting or intelligent enough to keep me around is ALSO so hot and sexy (and good at sex) that I feel drawn to them anyway. I remember it used to confuse me when I was younger and guy friends would keep going back to these women who they didn't even like or respect but the women were hot bimbos and so it was like the guys had no way to refuse them. I used to think the guys were idiots for behaving this way. But, I totally get it now. I'm so conflicted about my feelings with this guy but honestly if we are going to hang out together I will not be able to resist hooking up with him. So he was definitely angling for a hook up, but I was able to just put him off and be polite about it. However, I told him I may be willing to hang out in a few weeks once he gets back from a trip he's taking. I also may change my mind before then. I don't know, I'm so up and down on that guy. He's so hotttt!!!! And I just want to kiss him and have sex with him!!! As long as we just don't try to have much conversation. Ugh. Why does he have to be so freaking sexy and bomb me with it? lol
> 
> I haven't been with anyone since him either so part of my feelings are simply because I'm in the middle of a dry spell and he's my last good sexy memories.
> 
> So like I said, not much of an update...am looking forward to my 2 dates this weekend, looking forward to meeting these chaps in person. Both are sexy in their way and neither has been a cad at all while chatting on the dating site (is a good sign when they are sexy but not a cad). I don't normally line up 2 at once but that's just how this worked out this time.
> 
> I've been checking people's updates here but haven't signed in or posted for a while. I'll check back in after my dates.
> 
> Happy new year to all my lovely singletons!!




I was wondering where you’ve been 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

Faithful Wife said:


> A quick update from me....I have not wanted to be around TAM much lately so am taking a break (still on it) but just wanted to check in.
> 
> Even though I don't really have much to share!
> 
> I am not seeing anyone and had taken a break from the dating apps for a bit, but just this week turned them back on and now have 2 dates with 2 different guys lined up for this weekend. Both seem like good candidates for what I'm seeking but we never know until we get there, of course.


Hope your dates go well and that at least one of them makes you forget all about Mr Hollywood!!


----------



## FeministInPink

Elizabeth001 said:


> I was wondering where you’ve been
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk[/quote @Faithful Wife Yeah, I've missed you round these parts!
> 
> Have fun with your dates!
> 
> I know what you mean about Silver Fox... I date this fireman a LONG time ago. He was so pretty, and he was so good in bed, but he was dumb as a rock. The relationship had no future at all, but OMG the sex!
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Chuck71

Didn't get tagged but I'm here anyway 8>)

Never followed the previous Singles threads when I was single.

Now that I'm not single, I wish to follow. Pop always said I was ass-backwards.

FIP..... plus where else could I share my two worst dates ever at LOL......


----------



## Andy1001

Chuck71 said:


> Didn't get tagged but I'm here anyway 8>)
> 
> Never followed the previous Singles threads when I was single.
> 
> Now that I'm not single, I wish to follow. Pop always said I was ass-backwards.
> 
> FIP..... plus where else could I share my two worst dates ever at LOL......


I really want to hear about these two dates, if the last one you posted is only your third worst then one and two must be unbelievable. 
Other than a date turning up with her parents I feel like I missed out on these sort of experiences.


----------



## Laurentium

FeministInPink said:


> It's also about adjusting to single life after being married, and for some of us, it's about our experiences intentionally staying single and NOT dating. I'm not dating right now, and I'm kind of happy about that.


Yeah, I am in a similar place to that.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> A quick update from me....I have not wanted to be around TAM much lately so am taking a break (still on it) but just wanted to check in.
> 
> Even though I don't really have much to share!
> 
> I am not seeing anyone and had taken a break from the dating apps for a bit, but just this week turned them back on and now have 2 dates with 2 different guys lined up for this weekend. Both seem like good candidates for what I'm seeking but we never know until we get there, of course.
> 
> A week or two ago, my silver fox Paul Hollywood lookalike reached out to me and said he'd been thinking of me and missed me and yada yada yada. We had not had any contact since the day I broke it off so it was weird to hear from him out of the blue. Anyway, I quickly remembered all the reasons I do not want to see him again...but dang, I also quickly remembered how freaking hot and sexy he is and how great the sex was between us. I've never really been in this position before where someone who is not really interesting or intelligent enough to keep me around is ALSO so hot and sexy (and good at sex) that I feel drawn to them anyway. I remember it used to confuse me when I was younger and guy friends would keep going back to these women who they didn't even like or respect but the women were hot bimbos and so it was like the guys had no way to refuse them. I used to think the guys were idiots for behaving this way. But, I totally get it now. I'm so conflicted about my feelings with this guy but honestly if we are going to hang out together I will not be able to resist hooking up with him. So he was definitely angling for a hook up, but I was able to just put him off and be polite about it. However, I told him I may be willing to hang out in a few weeks once he gets back from a trip he's taking. I also may change my mind before then. I don't know, I'm so up and down on that guy. He's so hotttt!!!! And I just want to kiss him and have sex with him!!! As long as we just don't try to have much conversation. Ugh. Why does he have to be so freaking sexy and bomb me with it? lol
> 
> I haven't been with anyone since him either so part of my feelings are simply because I'm in the middle of a dry spell and he's my last good sexy memories.
> 
> So like I said, not much of an update...am looking forward to my 2 dates this weekend, looking forward to meeting these chaps in person. Both are sexy in their way and neither has been a cad at all while chatting on the dating site (is a good sign when they are sexy but not a cad). I don't normally line up 2 at once but that's just how this worked out this time.
> 
> I've been checking people's updates here but haven't signed in or posted for a while. I'll check back in after my dates.
> 
> Happy new year to all my lovely singletons!!


FW!!! Glad you came back to update us. I do get your dilemma with Paul Hollywood look alike. That kind of sexual connection is really hard to find. You just need to ask yourself if all of the other crap with Hollywood is worth it. 

I am keeping my fingers crossed that one of your two dates is "FW awesome" stamped. Keep us posted.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Date update....Friday night date was a no go, zero chemistry. But Saturday night date was great! Seeing Saturday guy again on Tuesday and really looking forward to it. I’ll call him G.

G is tall and handsome and has a great sexy body, including enormous hands which I can’t resist. He is an engineer, has grown kids and a couple of grandkids like me. No pets, yay. Lives close enough that seeing each other would not be too much of a problem. He’s funny and silly and we laughed a lot. We also had great chemistry and kissed a few times. He’s been texting me since then and letting me know he is excited about this and very interested. We also swapped some sexy pics and whooo boy, I got a glimpse of some nice thick man meat. Now I’m even more interested, tee hee!

I’ll update again after Tuesday. I’m hopeful I may have a new boyfriend. It’s hard to be too hopeful though after just one date and we don’t know each other well at all so things may come up which change my hopefulness. So I’m just playing it cool in my head, not racing toward the boyfriend finish line. But it does feel nice to have a good prospect at least. And from everything I know so far it doesn’t seem like I’d be having to settle for anything or make exceptions for anything, like it is with some dates where you are thinking well I like him but this or that isn’t my favorite but maybe I can deal with it. Not this time, so far everything I’ve seen I’ve liked and just want to keep getting to know him.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> Date update....Friday night date was a no go, zero chemistry. But Saturday night date was great! Seeing Saturday guy again on Tuesday and really looking forward to it. I’ll call him G.
> 
> G is tall and handsome and has a great sexy body, including enormous hands which I can’t resist. He is an engineer, has grown kids and a couple of grandkids like me. No pets, yay. Lives close enough that seeing each other would not be too much of a problem. He’s funny and silly and we laughed a lot. We also had great chemistry and kissed a few times. He’s been texting me since then and letting me know he is excited about this and very interested. We also swapped some sexy pics and whooo boy, I got a glimpse of some nice thick man meat. Now I’m even more interested, tee hee!
> 
> I’ll update again after Tuesday. I’m hopeful I may have a new boyfriend. It’s hard to be too hopeful though after just one date and we don’t know each other well at all so things may come up which change my hopefulness. So I’m just playing it cool in my head, not racing toward the boyfriend finish line. But it does feel nice to have a good prospect at least. And from everything I know so far it doesn’t seem like I’d be having to settle for anything or make exceptions for anything, like it is with some dates where you are thinking well I like him but this or that isn’t my favorite but maybe I can deal with it. Not this time, so far everything I’ve seen I’ve liked and just want to keep getting to know him.


I met a potential boyfriend yesterday too. He also happens to be an engineer with grown kids who's fun and sexy, *laughs* Cheers to engineers! We're looking forward to seeing each other again, but have to figure out the logistics, I'm still 90 mins away atm until my move. Good luck!


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> I met a potential boyfriend yesterday too. He also happens to be an engineer with grown kids who's fun and sexy, *laughs* Cheers to engineers! We're looking forward to seeing each other again, but have to figure out the logistics, I'm still 90 mins away atm until my move. Good luck!


Cool! Good luck, sister!!

I was telling a friend about my date and that he's an engineer. She asked in what field and I was like "I was so distracted by how sexy he is that I forgot to ask!" I texted him about that exchange and we laughed and I promised to ask more questions on Tuesday and stop objectifying him. :grin2:


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> Date update....Friday night date was a no go, zero chemistry. But Saturday night date was great! Seeing Saturday guy again on Tuesday and really looking forward to it. I’ll call him G.
> 
> G is tall and handsome and has a great sexy body, including enormous hands which I can’t resist. He is an engineer, has grown kids and a couple of grandkids like me. No pets, yay. Lives close enough that seeing each other would not be too much of a problem. He’s funny and silly and we laughed a lot. We also had great chemistry and kissed a few times. He’s been texting me since then and letting me know he is excited about this and very interested. We also swapped some sexy pics and whooo boy, I got a glimpse of some nice thick man meat. Now I’m even more interested, tee hee!
> 
> I’ll update again after Tuesday. I’m hopeful I may have a new boyfriend. It’s hard to be too hopeful though after just one date and we don’t know each other well at all so things may come up which change my hopefulness. So I’m just playing it cool in my head, not racing toward the boyfriend finish line. But it does feel nice to have a good prospect at least. And from everything I know so far it doesn’t seem like I’d be having to settle for anything or make exceptions for anything, like it is with some dates where you are thinking well I like him but this or that isn’t my favorite but maybe I can deal with it. Not this time, so far everything I’ve seen I’ve liked and just want to keep getting to know him.


Awesome update. I'm rooting for you and G. Sounds like he's just right for you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Cool! Good luck, sister!!
> 
> I was telling a friend about my date and that he's an engineer. She asked in what field and I was like "I was so distracted by how sexy he is that I forgot to ask!" I texted him about that exchange and we laughed and I promised to ask more questions on Tuesday and stop objectifying him. :grin2:


When's the wedding date?

All kidding aside, I am very happy for you!


----------



## 2&out

I might have hit a bump. New younger pretty boy at her work pursuing. Her phone dinging. My phone dings regular with work/friends/kids/Mom/family she at first wondered about. Here - check my phone. So hers now. At first ignored/didn't think much of. And then late at night. So I ask. She is up front about - says new guy at work likes her but "kid" and not interested. So I discard as trust thinking will fade/end semi soon. 2+ months later still. Why ? Can I see phone like U asked me ? No. Hmm. Have something to hide ? Of course not... 

As I've said a few times here, I am done with relationship "work". We hang together and have fun - I want nothing more. So I ask are you interested in him ? She looks away and delays answer --- so I got answer (in my mind). I tell her OK, let me know if U are moving on. And she got mad. Doesn't she mean more to me than that quick escape/go attitude ? Well - yes U do but I am not a "fighter" for your affection. Did once before, failed, and not me. If I don't have what it takes for U to stay with me then go. U know me pretty well now. I have nothing to add. That didn't help things. 

Why do the women in my life always want "more" ? ARG.

She just called to ask if we are OK. Not sure. Love / relationships are/have been such extremes in my life. Awesome highs and majorly suck lows sometimes. Takes more space in my mind then I want to give... Riding out the rest of my life with no one and no drama sure seems attractive sometimes.


----------



## RebuildingMe

2&out said:


> I might have hit a bump. New younger pretty boy at her work pursuing. Her phone dinging. My phone dings regular with work/friends/kids/Mom/family she at first wondered about. Here - check my phone. So hers now. At first ignored/didn't think much of. And then late at night. So I ask. She is up front about - says new guy at work likes her but "kid" and not interested. So I discard as trust thinking will fade/end semi soon. 2+ months later still. Why ? Can I see phone like U asked me ? No. Hmm. Have something to hide ? Of course not...
> 
> As I've said a few times here, I am done with relationship "work". We hang together and have fun - I want nothing more. So I ask are you interested in him ? She looks away and delays answer --- so I got answer (in my mind). I tell her OK, let me know if U are moving on. And she got mad. Doesn't she mean more to me than that quick escape/go attitude ? Well - yes U do but I am not a "fighter" for your affection. Did once before, failed, and not me. If I don't have what it takes for U to stay with me then go. U know me pretty well now. I have nothing to add. That didn't help things.
> 
> Why do the women in my life always want "more" ? ARG.
> 
> She just called to ask if we are OK. Not sure. Love / relationships are/have been such extremes in my life. Awesome highs and majorly suck lows sometimes. Takes more space in my mind then I want to give... Riding out the rest of my life with no one and no drama sure seems attractive sometimes.


I don’t know your story, or anyone’s story here for that matter. I see you are struggling right now, so I’m sorry for that. If she knew your ‘commitment’ level prior, it seems like she is looking to change the rules. There’s a lot of ups and downs, but I tend to agree going solo is probably the best way to avoid future hurts. Hang in there brother.


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## 3Xnocharm

2&out, your post confuses me. First you seem bothered because some other guy is showing interest, and she is entertaining it. But then you say that you don’t want anything serious anyway.. really no more than just hanging out with her having fun... and are bothered that she wants more. How can this one relationship be both of those things? What is it that you want, a serious girlfriend or just a friend to hang out with? If you are exclusive, of course she is going to be upset if you want to end it. If youre not, doesn’t she have the right to talk to someone else? Like I said, I am just confused...




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## attheend02

2&out said:


> I might have hit a bump. New younger pretty boy at her work pursuing. Her phone dinging. My phone dings regular with work/friends/kids/Mom/family she at first wondered about. Here - check my phone. So hers now. At first ignored/didn't think much of. And then late at night. So I ask. She is up front about - says new guy at work likes her but "kid" and not interested. So I discard as trust thinking will fade/end semi soon. 2+ months later still. Why ? Can I see phone like U asked me ? No. Hmm. Have something to hide ? Of course not...
> 
> As I've said a few times here, I am done with relationship "work". We hang together and have fun - I want nothing more. So I ask are you interested in him ? She looks away and delays answer --- so I got answer (in my mind). I tell her OK, let me know if U are moving on. And she got mad. Doesn't she mean more to me than that quick escape/go attitude ? Well - yes U do but I am not a "fighter" for your affection. Did once before, failed, and not me. If I don't have what it takes for U to stay with me then go. U know me pretty well now. I have nothing to add. That didn't help things.
> 
> Why do the women in my life always want "more" ? ARG.
> 
> She just called to ask if we are OK. Not sure. Love / relationships are/have been such extremes in my life. Awesome highs and majorly suck lows sometimes. Takes more space in my mind then I want to give... Riding out the rest of my life with no one and no drama sure seems attractive sometimes.


Man...feel your pain....


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## Marduk

Is getting wiener pictures after one date a @Faithful Wife thing or an everybody thing? I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while.


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## attheend02

Marduk said:


> Is getting wiener pictures after one date a @Faithful Wife thing or an everybody thing? I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while.


I've obviously got to adjust my strategy!


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## Faithful Wife

Marduk said:


> Is getting wiener pictures after one date a @Faithful Wife thing or an everybody thing? I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while.


Oh wow, so you don’t know about the **** pic phenomenon?

Sooooooo many guys send unsolicited **** pics it’s hilarious. I actually have a gallery of just those pics. And the weirdest part of it is that some guys send one and you’re like um, why would you think any girl would be turned on by this? Because A. It was unsolicited but also B. It doesn’t even look good in the picture. Some are good looking ****s, but some are just ugh YUCK.

However, in my case I’m not opposed to getting a glimpse of the goods before sampling them with a guy I’m actually interested in. This is a different scenario, where I’m actively dating someone and interested in them and we are being flirty and sexting. 

In that type of case which is where I’m at with G, I won’t turn that type of pic down but I don’t directly ask for it. I’m genuinely curious and am not shy about bodies. If a guy has enough pride in his body that he wants to show me his goods, I’ll be coy but obviously open to seeing it.

The pic I got from G is not nude, it’s just in some very thin material sweat pants that show everything. It’s very obvious that the size and shape are yummy. He knows he’s got a great **** so he’s not shy about it. He would send me a nude one if I asked for it but not unless I do. The one I got in the sweat pants is enough for me, I know very easily what it will look like and don’t need the full Monty. So I won’t ask for a nude one because a little mystery is still nice. If he becomes my boyfriend I’ll want all kinds of pics of it and will take them myself. 0

On our date we discussed modern dating and the unsolicited **** pic phenomenon, and I told him about my gallery of them. So later when we were texting and he sent me that pic he joked that now he would be infamous for being in my gallery. I told him no, the gallery is for unsolicited pics from randos, not from potential boyfriends. Potential boyfriend pics are a whole separate thing and don’t go into my gallery, they are cherished and valued in a whole different way. 

So while I don’t know about the general population of women and how they feel about this, for me it’s no big deal and I welcome the tease of seeing what’s on the menu. Guys love their own **** and are happy to show you. Like I said, in a rando situation sometimes you are wondering why he thinks it’s so great. But I’ve come to understand that men love their own so much that they can’t really relate to how a woman might feel about it. They always seem to assume you’ll be so happy to see it. In G’s case, he’s right, many women probably would love to see it. And if I had not expressed interest in seeing it he would not have sent the pic. But since I did express interest he was more than happy to share.

I’ve heard from lots of guys that women send unsolicited naughty pics too. I mean full on nudes. That’s not me because I don’t share nudes with anyone who isn’t my lover already. But I will send teasers that give an idea of my shape and sexiness to a potential boyfriend. I’m glad to give him something to look forward to. >


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## Faithful Wife

2&out said:


> I might have hit a bump. New younger pretty boy at her work pursuing. Her phone dinging. My phone dings regular with work/friends/kids/Mom/family she at first wondered about. Here - check my phone. So hers now. At first ignored/didn't think much of. And then late at night. So I ask. She is up front about - says new guy at work likes her but "kid" and not interested. So I discard as trust thinking will fade/end semi soon. 2+ months later still. Why ? Can I see phone like U asked me ? No. Hmm. Have something to hide ? Of course not...
> 
> As I've said a few times here, I am done with relationship "work". We hang together and have fun - I want nothing more. So I ask are you interested in him ? She looks away and delays answer --- so I got answer (in my mind). I tell her OK, let me know if U are moving on. And she got mad. Doesn't she mean more to me than that quick escape/go attitude ? Well - yes U do but I am not a "fighter" for your affection. Did once before, failed, and not me. If I don't have what it takes for U to stay with me then go. U know me pretty well now. I have nothing to add. That didn't help things.
> 
> Why do the women in my life always want "more" ? ARG.
> 
> She just called to ask if we are OK. Not sure. Love / relationships are/have been such extremes in my life. Awesome highs and majorly suck lows sometimes. Takes more space in my mind then I want to give... Riding out the rest of my life with no one and no drama sure seems attractive sometimes.


Sorry to hear this, I hope things work out. Didn’t you buy her a car recently? Hey if you break up and want to buy girls cars you can always hit me up. :wink2:


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## Marduk

I was kidding. 

**** pics for everybody! That consensually wants them!


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## Faithful Wife

Marduk said:


> I was kidding.
> 
> **** pics for everybody! That consensually wants them!


Right, it’s when I get non consensual rando ones that I make fun of, show all my friends, and generally am laughing about the whole day after I get one.


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## sunsetmist

Well, I'm glad to be included on this thread because I am soooo very far behind the times and expectations of modern single-hood that I would be a laughing stock of all if it weren't for y'all. I shall continue to embrace my old age and innocence.


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## FeministInPink

Marduk said:


> I was kidding.
> 
> 
> 
> **** pics for everybody! That consensually wants them!


As long as they are wanted/solicited.

I hate when rando guys send me unsolicited **** pics. If it's a guy I'm involved with, it's ok and I enjoy getting them, because I'm invested in him.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

2&out said:


> I might have hit a bump. New younger pretty boy at her work pursuing. Her phone dinging. My phone dings regular with work/friends/kids/Mom/family she at first wondered about. Here - check my phone. So hers now. At first ignored/didn't think much of. And then late at night. So I ask. She is up front about - says new guy at work likes her but "kid" and not interested. So I discard as trust thinking will fade/end semi soon. 2+ months later still. Why ? Can I see phone like U asked me ? No. Hmm. Have something to hide ? Of course not...
> 
> 
> 
> As I've said a few times here, I am done with relationship "work". We hang together and have fun - I want nothing more. So I ask are you interested in him ? She looks away and delays answer --- so I got answer (in my mind). I tell her OK, let me know if U are moving on. And she got mad. Doesn't she mean more to me than that quick escape/go attitude ? Well - yes U do but I am not a "fighter" for your affection. Did once before, failed, and not me. If I don't have what it takes for U to stay with me then go. U know me pretty well now. I have nothing to add. That didn't help things.
> 
> Why do the women in my life always want "more" ? ARG.
> 
> She just called to ask if we are OK. Not sure. Love / relationships are/have been such extremes in my life. Awesome highs and majorly suck lows sometimes. Takes more space in my mind then I want to give... Riding out the rest of my life with no one and no drama sure seems attractive sometimes.


She knows that you have one foot out the door. I wouldn't blame her for keeping her options open.

ETA And frankly: no, you don't have what it takes for her to stay. If you want her to stay, then you need to give her a commitment. Expecting her to stay without any promise of the same on your end? Totally unfair.


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## Lila

2&out said:


> As I've said a few times here, I am done with relationship "work". We hang together and have fun - I want nothing more.
> 
> (Snip)
> 
> Why do the women in my life always want "more" ? ARG.


I think you need to have the "expectations" discussion. If you are just looking for a FWB and she's looking for commitment, then you have basic incompatiblity. To stay together, one of you will have to relent. 

Would you be able to give her "more"?


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## ReformedHubby

2&out said:


> I might have hit a bump. New younger pretty boy at her work pursuing. Her phone dinging. My phone dings regular with work/friends/kids/Mom/family she at first wondered about. Here - check my phone. So hers now. At first ignored/didn't think much of. And then late at night. So I ask. She is up front about - says new guy at work likes her but "kid" and not interested. So I discard as trust thinking will fade/end semi soon. 2+ months later still. Why ? Can I see phone like U asked me ? No. Hmm. Have something to hide ? Of course not...
> 
> As I've said a few times here, I am done with relationship "work". We hang together and have fun - I want nothing more. So I ask are you interested in him ? She looks away and delays answer --- so I got answer (in my mind). I tell her OK, let me know if U are moving on. And she got mad. Doesn't she mean more to me than that quick escape/go attitude ? Well - yes U do but I am not a "fighter" for your affection. Did once before, failed, and not me. If I don't have what it takes for U to stay with me then go. U know me pretty well now. I have nothing to add. That didn't help things.
> 
> Why do the women in my life always want "more" ? ARG.
> 
> She just called to ask if we are OK. Not sure. Love / relationships are/have been such extremes in my life. Awesome highs and majorly suck lows sometimes. Takes more space in my mind then I want to give... Riding out the rest of my life with no one and no drama sure seems attractive sometimes.


Admittedly I don't know your history, so I apologize if this advice is not applicable. But...if you're not willing to put in the work, don't expect her to do the same when it comes to loyalty. The whole "pretending not to care thing" only results in you losing that person. I say pretending not to care because if you really didn't care the pretty boy at work texting her wouldn't bother you at all. It sounds like she does still have an interest in you, if you don't want to lose her eventually, you are going to have to put in some "work". Casual relationships often come to a crossroads.


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## 2&out

Why do people assume she wants a commitment from me ? That has been part of the deal from the beginning as SHE ALSO didn't want something too heavy and "serious". Maybe it's not the case for many/most on TAM, but her getting a guy to proclaim undying love and death till part commitment has not been a challenge in her life. In fact it's the opposite. Guys throw themselves at her all the time - that isn't the issue. The issue is this one she appears to maybe be encouraging. Part of our deal is and has been, and one of the things she says she likes about me, is I'm not trying to smother and lock her away.

Maybe she has changed her mind and wants a more permanent commitment but she has not expressed that to me. Maybe she thinks this guy is a trade up. We do have an exclusive relationship as far as I am aware. I'm not really interested in sharing. Maybe me being fun to be with has waned/ended. Will wait and see and try to talk/understand and see what transpires. We have a standing Thursday night date that at this time I think is still on. I may be over thinking this all.

It was a nice run and I will miss her if she moves on but I won't try to stop her or demand she do something/anything. Either she wants to be with me on an exclusive basis of free will or I don't think we have anything special. And I'm not some fricken sap who is going to compromise or beg or plead or "change" or any of that crap to try to get her to stay with me. If that makes me undeserving then so be it.


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## Faithful Wife

2&out said:


> Why do people assume she wants a commitment from me ?


I think it is because you said "Why do the women in my life always want "more" ? ARG." I think we kind of assumed you were saying that this one wants "more" in the form of commitment or something. But maybe you meant something else.


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## Faithful Wife

Date tonight...am going out to his place and he's gonna cook me a steak. Damn I love steak. And I love someone cooking for me. I'm an ok cook but it is not something I enjoy. I would cook for someone if they liked that kind of thing and if they wanted me to, but most guys I've dated since my divorce seem way more keen to cook for me. Like they want to impress me and they enjoy making me so happy since I love it so much. I love when I get to show sincere appreciation for someone's good cooking. Mmmm...food.

Anyway, also I scoped out his house on google maps street view and hurrah! He seems to have a garage big enough for my hobby race car!! If someone is going to be my boyfriend it's a huge bonus if they have a garage big enough for that beast because we will be going on dates in it, but it cannot be parked outside overnight.

But then I had to slap myself back into shape because this is only a second date and we don't actually know yet if we are bf/gf material for each other. We may say or do things that make us incompatible, we just don't know yet. And also I've had such a dry spell that I'm almost afraid to be hopeful, better to just be realistic and see how it goes.

Either way though I get a steak tonight, woot!


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## 2&out

Yea your right. I was thinking more along the lines of wanting something different - but that isn't what I wrote. I am pretty commited to her just not like marriage commitment.


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## Andy1001

2&out said:


> Yea your right. I was thinking more along the lines of wanting something different - but that isn't what I wrote. I am pretty commited to her just not like marriage commitment.


If I remember correctly you are almost sixty so you’re probably set in your ways about marriage/relationships etc. I do admire your singlemindedness and determination that you won’t take any crap from your girlfriend with regards to another guy and have no intention or interest in “sharing”.
You’re showing her that while you want her you certainly don’t need her and this may have taken the wind from her sails rather abruptly. 
Her texting you are “we” okay is just her way of trying to make this messaging another man seem like a minor issue, what she really wants is for you to stfu and let her have her toy boy to drool over.


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## Faithful Wife

Andy1001 said:


> Her texting you are “we” okay is just her way of trying to make this messaging another man seem like a minor issue, what she really wants is for you to stfu and let her have her toy boy to drool over.


Hmmmm....not sure about this. If she wants the boy toy, why doesn't she just dump Mr. 2&out? I'm not defending her either way, but I'm thinking it is possible that she really is just friends with boy toy and enjoys his attention but doesn't actually want any more than that with him. That's still poor behavior and 2&out did well by calling her out on it so maybe she is now just getting her head back in the game and realizing you can't be a flirty ho when you have a boyfriend.


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## Andy1001

Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmmm....not sure about this. If she wants the boy toy, why doesn't she just dump Mr. 2&out? I'm not defending her either way, but I'm thinking it is possible that she really is just friends with boy toy and enjoys his attention but doesn't actually want any more than that with him. That's still poor behavior and 2&out did well by calling her out on it so maybe she is now just getting her head back in the game and realizing you can't be a flirty ho when you have a boyfriend.


She may want the toy boy but the important question is does the toy boy want her.
@2&out hasn’t mentioned her age or the other guys age but she wouldn’t be the first woman to dip her toes in an illicit affair with a younger man while still wanting Mr dependable waiting by the sidelines. Plan B in other words. 
His attitude is correct.
If he’s not plan A then he’s not interested.


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## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> Cool! Good luck, sister!!
> 
> I was telling a friend about my date and that he's an engineer. She asked in what field and I was like "I was so distracted by how sexy he is that I forgot to ask!" I texted him about that exchange and we laughed and I promised to ask more questions on Tuesday and stop objectifying him. :grin2:


LOL! I know the feeling! Glad you had such an awesome time! There are too decent, sexy men out there to be hung up on an unsuitable one. It didn't occur to me to even ask my date what he did, a man is not his job. We spent the entire day together, 10-6:30 and found it hard to part, our date morphed from walking in the museum to the park and went to an early dinner because we forgot about lunch.


----------



## TXTrini

Marduk said:


> Is getting wiener pictures after one date a @Faithful Wife thing or an everybody thing? I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while.


I got all sorts of offers and pics before a date even happened:surprise: lol. I've "nexted" over 900 guys in the last 2 months" and ran from a few weirdos. I'm not quite sure about my opinion is about dating just yet, it's still new for me.


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## 2&out

Thx Andy1001. Yep - 58 - happened pretty damn fast. She recently turned 47.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Date tonight...am going out to his place and he's gonna cook me a steak. Damn I love steak. And I love someone cooking for me. I'm an ok cook but it is not something I enjoy. I would cook for someone if they liked that kind of thing and if they wanted me to, but most guys I've dated since my divorce seem way more keen to cook for me. Like they want to impress me and they enjoy making me so happy since I love it so much. I love when I get to show sincere appreciation for someone's good cooking. Mmmm...food.
> 
> Anyway, also I scoped out his house on google maps street view and hurrah! He seems to have a garage big enough for my hobby race car!! If someone is going to be my boyfriend it's a huge bonus if they have a garage big enough for that beast because we will be going on dates in it, but it cannot be parked outside overnight.
> 
> But then I had to slap myself back into shape because this is only a second date and we don't actually know yet if we are bf/gf material for each other. We may say or do things that make us incompatible, we just don't know yet. And also I've had such a dry spell that I'm almost afraid to be hopeful, better to just be realistic and see how it goes.
> 
> Either way though I get a steak tonight, woot!


Sounds like steak isn’t the only meat you’re getting tonight.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Sounds like steak isn’t the only meat you’re getting tonight.


I might get to feel some nice man meat up against me from mashing and making out. :grin2:

But we won't be rounding home base tonight, it's too soon and he's not my boyfriend yet.


----------



## Laurentium

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh wow, so you don’t know about the **** pic phenomenon?
> 
> Sooooooo many guys send unsolicited **** pics it’s hilarious. I actually have a gallery of just those pics. And the weirdest part of it is that some guys send one and you’re like um, why would you think any girl would be turned on by this? Because A. It was unsolicited but also B. It doesn’t even look good in the picture. Some are good looking ****s, but some are just ugh YUCK.


I have no idea about this. May I ask a question or two? What age range demographic are we talking about here? And, er, is the **** in the pic erect or flaccid? ("**** in the pic" reminds me of "cat in the hat"...)

As a man, I can understand men not knowing whether it's good looking or not, because no ****s are good looking to me, and I have literally no idea what kinds of things would make one good looking or otherwise. Is it just size? (In which case I'm puzzled why you didn't just say "big" rather than "good looking"...)

I don't get why men would do this, but you seem to be puzzled too, so it remains a mystery.


----------



## Lila

Laurentium said:


> I have no idea about this. May I ask a question or two? What age range demographic are we talking about here? And, er, is the **** in the pic erect or flaccid? ("**** in the pic" reminds me of "cat in the hat"...)
> 
> As a man, I can understand men not knowing whether it's good looking or not, because no ****s are good looking to me, and *I have literally no idea what kinds of things would make one good looking or otherwise. Is it just size? (In which case I'm puzzled why you didn't just say "big" rather than "good looking"...)*
> 
> I don't get why men would do this, but you seem to be puzzled too, so it remains a mystery.


I am looking forward to @Faithful Wife answer (I always enjoy her excellent responses when it comes to this topic) but with regards to the bold....Yes, some are better looking than others and there's more to it than size. I would imagine that it works the same way for women. Some have prettier lady bits than others..


----------



## Faithful Wife

Laurentium said:


> 1. What age range demographic are we talking about here?
> 
> 2. And, er, is the **** in the pic erect or flaccid?
> 
> 3. As a man, I can understand men not knowing whether it's good looking or not, because no ****s are good looking to me, and I have literally no idea what kinds of things would make one good looking or otherwise. Is it just size? (In which case I'm puzzled why you didn't just say "big" rather than "good looking"...)


1. In my experience it is always going to be from a man in his 30's or older (I don't talk to puppies in their 20's at all). I think the oldest guy who has done this to was in his 40's.

2. It could be either/or. 

3. All I have been able to deduce about this is that many (most?) men may not know what another "good looking" one looks like, but they tend to love their *own* and what it looks like. You guys get so much alone time with your peens, you have been making love to it your whole life, and looking at it while you do your thing. And so now the very sight of your own makes you feel sexual because of the feedback loop you are giving yourself. It seems to me that this constant self love then tends to make men think "hey, I love it so much, she will too!" This is somewhat an educated guess, however. I don't know for sure. I read an article about this and apparently some guys do it for validation because they are insecure and are hoping you will tell him he's ok in this area. This is odd to me because it doesn't seem they are hoping you'll say they are ok, they are hoping you'll say "wow that's incredible, come to my place NOW and bone me!" 

Did you watch the funny song video I posted on the previous page? Please watch that - - the attitude the guy has is what I have encountered, and the fact that he's sitting there working himself up to doing it by telling himself that he thinks she really is gonna like this, and then is so confused when she freaks out on him. It's a parody but that is exactly how it has seemed to me.

And then she goes off on how some of them don't look good, like I said too. I'll just say that some are strange shapes, some pics are taken from odd angles that makes you wonder if it even is a peen? Some are strange colors. Peens just don't actually photograph that well except under certain conditions (which there are MANY articles men can find to get the best pic possible...the fact that there are so many of these articles is a clue to how often this happens).

Then there is a different category of men who do this, the ones who actually do have a really beautiful and big one. These guys know a woman will like what she sees, even if she didn't want the picture. And these guys actually do sometimes get positive responses from women because, frankly, there are not that many truly beautiful peens. The kind that are so beautiful he doesn't have to worry about what angle the pic is from, it is not a strange color, it is not a strange shape, it is thick and juicy and gorgeous and he knows it. Probably every woman he's ever been with has told him it is beautiful, and he has compared himself to porn and he knows he stacks up pretty well. Again, these types are different and in their own category. 

I guess if you could imagine that women do this, at first some men might be like woo hoo! But the first time he gets a pic of something that makes him throw up in his mouth a little bit, he would understand ok wow, no PLEASE do not send unsolicited pics. Now you'd have to imagine something pretty jacked up, like totally botched boob job or a hamburger muffin that's barely visible under a huge fupa or something. A man could understand that his own wife may have body features like this and he may still be attracted to her, but getting an unsolicited picture of a rando woman's bits like this at bad angles, bad lighting and she's discolored and possibly has a rash or something....then you may have an idea of how women feel when we get a really scary looking one. But you also may understand how we may feel if we get a really beautiful looking one, because a man would be more than happy to get a pic of a beautiful kitty or breasts, even if he doesn't want to engage with her anymore because she's a weirdo who sent an unsolicited pic.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

Guess I belong in this thread now. Much much more later. Do I get a welcome letter or new badge or something? I'll take an e-hug too. 

Give me time, I'll write it all out when I can...


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## sunsetmist

Hey there. How about you continue on old thread for bigger story, so those who do not know you don't have to read old threads?? (e-hugs)


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## 3Xnocharm

Laurentium said:


> I have no idea about this. May I ask a question or two? What age range demographic are we talking about here? And, er, is the **** in the pic erect or flaccid? ("**** in the pic" reminds me of "cat in the hat.



Dear lord if you must send a pic, make sure it’s happy to see someone! Few things are more unattractive than a limpy!  No offense guys lol..!




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## Faithful Wife

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Guess I belong in this thread now. Much much more later. Do I get a welcome letter or new badge or something? I'll take an e-hug too.
> 
> Give me time, I'll write it all out when I can...


:crying:


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## AVR1962

2&out said:


> Yea your right. I was thinking more along the lines of wanting something different - but that isn't what I wrote. I am pretty commited to her just not like marriage commitment.


I do recall your posts from before. Sounds like you and your lady have something kind of like me and my guy. I am 57, and am enjoying my time with him but I am sure not ready for something more at this time. I want to get to know this man, enjoy his company and if things happen they do and if they don't we move on. Marriage is not priority for me, I support myself and I am comfortable. I do get lonely if I have enough time away from work and I did find the holidays this year a little hard. You asked "why do women always want more" in a previous reply. Rather than seeing it that a lady friend is trying to take up all your time see it as her interest in connection with you. Usually when we want to spend time with someone it is because we are wanting to connect. For me, it is sharing experiences that help me to connect and I enjoy that connection. You might connect in a different way but we all desire connection and I think that is what women are looking for when they want more of your time.


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## ReformedHubby

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Guess I belong in this thread now. Much much more later. Do I get a welcome letter or new badge or something? I'll take an e-hug too.
> 
> Give me time, I'll write it all out when I can...


Oh man...being that this is a marriage forum, I don't think any of us wanted to be in the singles forum. But.....here we are! Welcome.


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## FeministInPink

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Guess I belong in this thread now. Much much more later. Do I get a welcome letter or new badge or something? I'll take an e-hug too.
> 
> Give me time, I'll write it all out when I can...





ReformedHubby said:


> Oh man...being that this is a marriage forum, I don't think any of us wanted to be in the singles forum. But.....here we are! Welcome.


 @TheDudeLebowski Sorry to hear it, man. But welcome. ReformedHubby said it best... I don't think any of us every WANTED to be here, but now we are, and we are making the best of it. And a lot of us have realized that we are having a better life now than the one we had to leave behind. A lot of it depends on your own attitude.

You don't have to give us a whole long backstory, a brief summary (or none at all!) is fine. This thread is about moving forward--it's not about looking back, unless you're learning and growing from your past experiences.

I'm sure you're in a touch place now, but it will get better.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

The Dude has a one month old baby. I think he’s probably got quite a long journey before he’s actually single in the sense of dating and being happy about it. :frown2:


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## Faithful Wife

Ok date was good but he’s not going to be a boyfriend. There were some small things that were incompatible between us, not a big deal but enough that it would eventually lead us to a dead end. One of the things was that when I actually got in my car and drove the distance between us it was more than half an hour each way. I know maybe I’m just being an old lady about this, but I don’t want to drive a full hour there and back to have sex with a boyfriend. If I have a boyfriend I’m going to want sex several times a week and I just can do that much driving and be happy about it. He could come to my place too sometimes but that doesn’t really help that much, it’s just too far. When I mapped us out originally I thought it would be more like 15-20 minutes one way. But no, it was over 30 minutes and that was during the evening when there’s no traffic. Any little hiccup with traffic and it could take an hour to get out where he is. 

But aside from that there were just some little things that we came up against that in the long run wouldn’t be good together.

We did make out for a long time on his bed, and he got naked and I got to see and touch that incredible penis (and it really was incredible). I kept my bra and pants on and we mashed and made out and that was fun. But that’s also where some incompatible things came up.

This morning I texted and said it was great but I think there’s some incompatible things and he said he agrees. He then said maybe we could be FWB and I said I would think about it, but I’m not actually going to consider that. If I have a FWB it will be Paul Hollywood because he lives 7 minutes from me and we had zero incompatible items that way.

So.....onward and upward!


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## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok date was good but he’s not going to be a boyfriend. There were some small things that were incompatible between us, not a big deal but enough that it would eventually lead us to a dead end. One of the things was that when I actually got in my car and drove the distance between us it was more than half an hour each way. I know maybe I’m just being an old lady about this, but I don’t want to drive a full hour there and back to have sex with a boyfriend. If I have a boyfriend I’m going to want sex several times a week and I just can do that much driving and be happy about it. He could come to my place too sometimes but that doesn’t really help that much, it’s just too far. When I mapped us out originally I thought it would be more like 15-20 minutes one way. But no, it was over 30 minutes and that was during the evening when there’s no traffic. Any little hiccup with traffic and it could take an hour to get out where he is.
> 
> But aside from that there were just some little things that we came up against that in the long run wouldn’t be good together.
> 
> We did make out for a long time on his bed, and he got naked and I got to see and touch that incredible penis (and it really was incredible). I kept my bra and pants on and we mashed and made out and that was fun. But that’s also where some incompatible things came up.
> 
> This morning I texted and said it was great but I think there’s some incompatible things and he said he agrees. He then said maybe we could be FWB and I said I would think about it, but I’m not actually going to consider that. If I have a FWB it will be Paul Hollywood because he lives 7 minutes from me and we had zero incompatible items that way.
> 
> So.....onward and upward!


Sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped. I have to agree with you that distance plays a very critical role when considering whether to start dating someone or not. I consider anyone more than 30 minutes away (without traffic) to be a long distance relationship. 

I laughed when you said he asked you to be FWB even after discussing the incompatibilities. On one hand I have to give him kudos for trying. On the other I'm thinking "did you really think that would work?".


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## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> Sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped. I have to agree with you that distance plays a very critical role when considering whether to start dating someone or not. I consider anyone more than 30 minutes away (without traffic) to be a long distance relationship.
> 
> I laughed when you said he asked you to be FWB even after discussing the incompatibilities. On one hand I have to give him kudos for trying. On the other I'm thinking "did you really think that would work?".


Since I didn't actually say what things I felt were incompatible nor did he, he really has no clue that I'm not willing to drive that far. So in his mind we were probably really close to a match but not quite, but close enough for FWB. Plus we did/do have mad chemistry and yeah, can't blame a guy for trying, especially when most of it felt soooo good. He sent me a full Monty pic after texting this morning to remember him by and damn....it is hard to pass something like that up. However, the rest of the things I need and want weren't there in high enough quantities to go for it.

Sigh...the bad part is now I'm all ramped up and am now thinking about Mr Hollywood and ugh....I know that's a dead end too, and I do want a boyfriend not a FWB but....

At least he is still gone for a few weeks and I can hopefully get my head back on straight!! 0


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## ReformedHubby

I can only laugh at the comments made by @Lila and @faithfulwife concerning the definition of long distance when it comes to FWB. I too evolved over time. When I was in my twenties. If someone told me I was going to get laid I would literally drive as far as two hours if need be. I wouldn't say I was desperate. A man in his 20s is on a whole different level of horniness all the time. So no matter where the offer came from, you were going to go. But as I got older, I found myself saying things like, "I have to work tomorrow", or "I've had a long day" etc. etc.. At some point I preferred watching Law & Order re-runs over driving an hour for sex on a weeknight. Even if it was really good sex. So I also stopped considering people that lived too far away for casual relationships, I do agree with both of you that driving more than 30 minutes makes you think twice.


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## 3Xnocharm

ReformedHubby said:


> At some point I preferred watching Law & Order re-runs over driving an hour for sex on a weeknight. Even if it was really good sex. So I also stopped considering people that lived too far away for casual relationships, I do agree with both of you that driving more than 30 minutes makes you think twice.


Its called "getting old"! :laugh: I know because this is me too!


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## TheDudeLebowski

FeministInPink said:


> @TheDudeLebowski Sorry to hear it, man. But welcome. ReformedHubby said it best... I don't think any of us every WANTED to be here, but now we are, and we are making the best of it. And a lot of us have realized that we are having a better life now than the one we had to leave behind. A lot of it depends on your own attitude.
> 
> You don't have to give us a whole long backstory, a brief summary (or none at all!) is fine. This thread is about moving forward--it's not about looking back, unless you're learning and growing from your past experiences.
> 
> I'm sure you're in a touch place now, but it will get better.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Summary...

Things I was aware of: Many years of low or sexless marriage. She has control issues. I have low self esteem and abandonment issues. 

Epiphanies brought on by a bout of ppnd and serious self reflection: subtle emotional abuse throughout the entirety of my marriage. Didn't even know it was happening. I lost every bit of control within the marriage. Ive been slowly isolated from everyone. Self loathing and suicidal issues do NOT happen in a vacuum. Emotional manipulation praying on my abandonment issues. Turns out, I'm highly codependent. Should be a mental disorder. Codependent Personality Disorder. Might as well be one. Im coining CPD. Or is that a thing already? Its easy to spot inna romantic relationship, but its really a personality trait that impacts every relationship. Family, friends, work... All of it. 

Initiated separation. Move in to my new apartment Friday. We tell the kids tonight. I'm taking my clothes and camping gear. Because she controlled all the money, I have nothing. So, happy my camping gear consists of sleeping pads and sleeping bags. So I'll have a spot on the floor to sleep. My decision, trying to keep the home life stable for the kid's sake. So she gets everything, I'll take what's left of my sanity and rebuild from there. Im able to take the kids to school every morning and watch my baby 3 days per week, so kids lives aren't impacted really any differently in terms of having to change schedules around for them. I can take my daughter to dance and pick her up from school, watch my baby, take my son to church. Everything stays the same there. I made sure of it. Oh yeah, new job which accommodates all this and is better in terms of steady hours and pay. 

Oh and my dog is coming with me. Not sure when I'll file. She loses her mind when she loses control. So im giving her as much as I can and will slowly work my way out of this marriage over a course of a few months I figure before I file. Once she feels safe and I feel safe that she won't go vindictive. If i do everything all at once, she would lose total control and become a maniac. Seen it before. Even very recently when I came home with apartment applications. 

Anyways, there's many stories and endless examples of abuse that I just didn't see. Its strange when you are being abused you cant even see it, and you feel like you deserve it and everything is your fault to begin with. Its really strange. 

So, how have y'all been doing?


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## TheDudeLebowski

Faithful Wife said:


> The Dude has a one month old baby. I think he’s probably got quite a long journey before he’s actually single in the sense of dating and being happy about it. :frown2:


Dude won't be dating anyone for a very long time. Maybe ever. I don't think I have any sort of healthy mental make up to be in a relationship. 

Always preferred to backpack solo.


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## ReformedHubby

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Dude won't be dating anyone for a very long time. Maybe ever. I don't think I have any sort of healthy mental make up to be in a relationship.
> 
> Always preferred to backpack solo.


I am not trying to be like fellow Texan Dr. Phil here, but you sound really depressed. I only bring it up because when I left my marriage, I made a lot of really stupid decisions when I was in that depression phase. I guess my point is. Never say never. I feel like a huge part of you is down on relationships right now because of your current mood. Hang in there, it will get better. You just have to weather the storm. I do agree that dating shouldn't be a priority right now. I didn't take a break. I should have.


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## TheDudeLebowski

ReformedHubby said:


> I am not trying to be like fellow Texan Dr. Phil here, but you sound really depressed. I only bring it up because when I left my marriage, I made a lot of really stupid decisions when I was in that depression phase. I guess my point is. Never say never. I feel like a huge part of you is down on relationships right now because of your current mood. Hang in there, it will get better. You just have to weather the storm. I do agree that dating shouldn't be a priority right now. I didn't take a break. I should have.


Until I fix my CPD (sounds good doesn't it? CPD) I'm in no shape to date anyone. Will simply be the same issues all over again. Repetition Compulsion.


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## Elizabeth001

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Until I fix my CPD (sounds good doesn't it? CPD) I'm in no shape to date anyone. Will simply be the same issues all over again. Repetition Compulsion.




Sounds like you are on a truer path, albeit a tough one. I’m so glad you a) got the dog & b) are keeping the dog. 


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## Elizabeth001

Also wanted to reiterate that the singles thread is far from being just about dating. 


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## Faithful Wife

Elizabeth001 said:


> Also wanted to reiterate that the singles thread is far from being just about dating.


So true! We are also here to support each other through things other than dates. Things that singles can relate to each other about MUCH better than marrieds can. I don't mind the marrieds popping in here once in awhile, but it is hard to look towards them for advice. They just aren't living what we are and don't understand what singledom is like these days.


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## Elizabeth001

Faithful Wife said:


> So true! We are also here to support each other through things other than dates. Things that singles can relate to each other about MUCH better than marrieds can. I don't mind the marrieds popping in here once in awhile, but it is hard to look towards them for advice. They just aren't living what we are and don't understand what singledom is like these days.




Yes & figuring out how to adjust to single life after being married. 


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## Faithful Wife

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes & figuring out how to adjust to single life after being married.


True. Although, I didn't come here for that when I was going through it. It was just too painful to even write about. I went to my own inner dungeon and just stayed there until I was healed a little bit. I don't think I posted here for at least a year after our D.


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## TheDudeLebowski

Faithful Wife said:


> True. Although, I didn't come here for that when I was going through it. It was just too painful to even write about. I went to my own inner dungeon and just stayed there until I was healed a little bit. I don't think I posted here for at least a year after our D.


You guys are the only friends I have. At least she admitted fault for that one. Ugh :crying:


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## UpsideDownWorld11

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> The Dude has a one month old baby. I think he’s probably got quite a long journey before he’s actually single in the sense of dating and being happy about it.
> 
> 
> 
> Dude won't be dating anyone for a very long time. Maybe ever. I don't think I have any sort of healthy mental make up to be in a relationship.
> 
> Always preferred to backpack solo.
Click to expand...

Dating is overrated. Too many damn crazy, broken people to sift through. You aren't missing anything. Enjoy the alone time.


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## Openminded

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You guys are the only friends I have. At least she admitted fault for that one. Ugh :crying:


I’m sorry you find yourself in this thread but it really is a good place for you to be at a time like this. No one understands like those who have also lived it and who have rebuilt from it. Is it easy? Certainly not. It was the most difficult thing by far that I’ve ever lived through. But I got through it. So will you.


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## TheDudeLebowski

Openminded said:


> I’m sorry you find yourself in this thread but it really is a good place for you to be at a time like this. No one understands like those who have also lived it and who have rebuilt from it. Is it easy? Certainly not. It was the most difficult thing by far that I’ve ever lived through. But I got through it. So will you.


Things happen for a reason. I'm only sorry to all those here I've been such an ass too several times over. My situation and inability to cope with things shouldn't dictate how I treat others. How I lash out and say horrible things sometimes. How I can flip from being my actual self, to this monster I don't even recognize. My pain is mine to carry. It's not right to take it and use it against people who have nothing to do with all this. 

Man I'm all kinds of ****ed up. I'm truly sorry. 

The good news is ive been through a lot, so this will be difficult, but I know it won't break me. I just need to be better towards others. Mostly, I need to be better to myself. My new job helps a lot actually. I'm a paratransit driver (short bus haha) driving around all those people who need a ride to the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. All sorts of messed up but good folks. I give them rides and chat them up and it makes me feel good to help people who need help getting to the doctor and daycare and home or church or whatever. Its a good job if you want to help people who need help and you are a low skilled moron like me.


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## PieceOfSky

@TheDudeLebowski,

Have you any support IRL, or are you completely isolated? Any options for seeing a therapist? Sounds like you’ve coped with a lot. Parts you pushed down might just be starting to come to the surface. Be kind to yourself while you go through it. Even if you are not so inclined. 

IME, just dropping in on a support group A few times and hearing others who’ve been through situations familiar, or just going through feelings that fit, sure lifted some of the burden for me a long time ago in a way unprecedented. In my case, it was an ACoA group suggested to me by someone I happened to meet who had been finding CoDependentsAnonymous useful. 30 years ago, but I bet they’re still around.

And if the Dude likes movies, I recommend Her and TheTrumanShow. Epiphanies, followed by action.


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## PieceOfSky

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't mind the marrieds popping in here once in awhile, but it is hard to look towards them for advice. They just aren't living what we are and don't understand what singledom is like these days.



Im glad you don’t mind. I’m here mostly to learn from others’ paths and cope, as I sit on the fence contemplating my possible futures.


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## TheDudeLebowski

PieceOfSky said:


> @TheDudeLebowski,
> 
> Have you any support IRL, or are you completely isolated? Any options for seeing a therapist? Sounds like you’ve coped with a lot. Parts you pushed down might just be starting to come to the surface. Be kind to yourself while you go through it. Even if you are not so inclined.
> 
> IME, just dropping in on a support group A few times and hearing others who’ve been through situations familiar, or just going through feelings that fit, sure lifted some of the burden for me a long time ago in a way unprecedented. In my case, it was an ACoA group suggested to me by someone I happened to meet who had been finding CoDependentsAnonymous useful. 30 years ago, but I bet they’re still around.
> 
> And if the Dude likes movies, I recommend Her and TheTrumanShow. Epiphanies, followed by action.


My mom, she's about 6 hours away. I don't really have anyone else here. I'm fine with that part. Ive never been kind to myself, that part will take a lot of work. 

Joined AA a while back. Went for a few weeks. The issue was I knew that I could stop drinking and it wouldn't matter cause that isn't my real addiction. Self loathing is really addictive, you know? Been doing it for so long. Anyway, after a while I just couldn't handle the self righteous who completed the steps and all that. They are all so self important know it all types and jeez I thought I had ego issues. These people. So anyway, got in a few arguments with folks there. Was then told I wasn't welcome. This was during a meeting that was a big book chapter study covering tradition 3. Went over how they were struggling with letting a particular person join. In the end after much deliberation, they finally let this person join. So anyway, I'm there and I'm listening. I mean, my goal was to work the steps not only to stop drinking but to work them with the intent to stop hating myself more so. Alcohol isn't my issue. So they go through how they will let anyone join and won't turn anyone away. Then after that read, they go on to say that if you aren't an alcoholic, you aren't welcome haha. I protested and said you can work those same steps for literally any issue you have. So why cant anyone join and work the steps as they need to? The guy said "cause this is AA" so i got up and left. Another kid who was on meth also got up and left. The strange thing is many people in there probably would be better off at NA but I mean, it shouldn't matter honestly. 

I know about codependents anon. I don't think it matters though, I'll work the steps alone. I'm used to being alone. The arrogance of those who complete the steps and consider themselves healed and all this... Its too much for me. I was told by others to just ignore those people, but those are the ones who chair meetings so its impossible. Plus people sharing end up saying the same things over and over as the next person. It's repetitive and often redundant. Some parts don't make sense. We go around the room and people give their sobriety dates. Then later they go through the chips one by one to see if anyone gets a new chip. Well we know everyone's dates already and if anyone has earned a chip. So I listen to this same things every day knowing nobody has earned a new chip right at the beginning of the meeting. Its weird. "Any one at 90 days?" Then they look around the room. "60 days?" Look around the room again. Everyone introduces themselves and how many days they are sober at the very beginning of the meeting! Why are we doing this? Its weird. Carol over there will be next to get a chip in 8 days. Until then, why are we doing this? Its illogical and without reason. 

They say the same speeches over and over. People tell the same stories over and over to the same group of people in the room that were there yesterday and the day before... I was going every day, some days multiple meetings and I was a new member. I heard the same damn stories so many times I was like "yeah we heard this one already. Just yesterday. Its all the same people in this room Tom" Its strange to say the least. Not my cuppa. Besides, I'm obviously not welcome haha. 

Thanks for the move recommendations. Maybe I'll consider buying a TV at some point.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TheDudeLebowski said:


> They say the same speeches over and over. People tell the same stories over and over to the same group of people in the room that were there yesterday and the day before... I was going every day, some days multiple meetings and I was a new member. I heard the same damn stories so many times I was like "yeah we heard this one already. Just yesterday. Its all the same people in this room Tom" Its strange to say the least. Not my cuppa. Besides, I'm obviously not welcome haha.
> 
> Thanks for the move recommendations. Maybe I'll consider buying a TV at some point.


This is what some people need to do to heal and to hang onto that sobriety. Everyone walks their own path, the group is supposed to be there to lend support since they have been there. Maybe you SHOULD try NA, or maybe at this point a divorce group may be of more value to you. I'm sorry you have found yourself here, but glad that you have a chance to make life better for yourself without her.


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## bobert

@TheDudeLebowski I feel like I'm trespassing where I don't belong, but SmartRecovery may be an option worth looking into. https://www.smartrecovery.org/intro/

_"Our Purpose: To support individuals who have chosen to abstain, or are considering abstinence from any type of addictive behaviors (substances or activities), by teaching how to change self-defeating thinking, emotions, and actions; and to work towards long-term satisfactions and quality of life."_

I've heard FAR better things about it than AA. They have in person and online meetings.


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## TheDudeLebowski

3Xnocharm said:


> This is what some people need to do to heal and to hang onto that sobriety. Everyone walks their own path, the group is supposed to be there to lend support since they have been there. Maybe you SHOULD try NA, or maybe at this point a divorce group may be of more value to you. I'm sorry you have found yourself here, but glad that you have a chance to make life better for yourself without her.


Well I'm not on drugs, so there's no reason to go to NA. I relapsed in psychedelics last year around March. 2018 smoked pot 2 times I remember. I'm forgetful so I'll just say it was for sure less than 5 times. Last year was a bad year on that front. Picked up the habit again, but it wasn't every day. Got a cart once every two weeks or so and those last about 4 days. Then I would be off it again. Did this several times. 

One day I was at work, this was in October seems longer but oh well, anyway I was toking on a cart. There's this guy who's a California caricature all "dude" and "bro" and a total blonde surfer stereotype. Fits all of them. His eyes are always red af so I figured he smoked. I offered it to him, assuming he knew what it was, he takes it and takes a big rip and then is like "is this pot?" And I was like "yeah I thought you knew that. Is that a problem?" Well turns out he's in a halfway house. Had to draw cards the next day for random drug testing. He didn't draw the test card, everything worked out ok. We kept in contact throughout all of this and I was willing to offer him a place to stay all of it. I would have done anything to make sure he was safe and looked after if he got kicked out. He didn't, he told me he needed it and it gave him better perspective. He didn't really slip up because it was an honest mistake, boneheaded and careless on my part, but honest. He said it helped him by recognizing that he doesn't need it and while he enjoyed the experience, after it was over he had no desire to do it. Sort of like he passed a test basically. A pot quiz as it were haha. Hes a believer so he said God gave him this test and he is happy and it also helped him put some other issues he had into perspective. 

Anyway, I came on here and said "the problem with sinning is someone else always pays for it in some way shape or form" and that whole experience also gave me new perspective. I always told myself that my sins are fine as long as they only hurt me. But that's simply not how it works out. Others always pay the price. I might pay as well, but so do others. Anyway, sense that day I've had no desire to ever smoke again. I could have caused someone to become homeless just being an idiot. I don't ever want to smoke again. Me and MJ got a divorce that day. She doesn't get any second chances with me. She's fine for many and i don't judge others for partaking. My relationship with her was always toxic. Wont go back. I have no desire at all, not even occasional cravings anymore. 

So anyway. Next up is smoking cigarettes. That one will be much more difficult. Im slowly but surely weaning down. Week by week, I drop another cigarette. Down to half a pack/day. I figure i kicked a meth and coke habit on my own, never looked back. Kicked a psychedelic habit, that relapse included the scariest experience of my life and **** ever messing with that stuff again. The pot thing, I did kick but I was encouraged by my stbxw to partake because it benefits her greatly. I'm more productive and numb to our relationship issues when I'm kept sick. Each time in 2018 I did partake, it was with her encouragement to do so. Because I get more done around the house and I'm back to my happy go lucky self. That's one of the abuse issues. Get in trouble for smoking. Quit. Become increasingly upset at our low sex issues and lack of power in the relationship. Encouraged to smoke again and given money for the purchase. Then I get in trouble for smoking and made to feel bad for it. Its sick. I was kept numb so she could control me. I never saw it. I'm so stupid! Anyway, I wont go back to that ever again. So I kicked all that stuff solo without groups or help, I'll kick cigarettes too. 

For the longest, I just wanted to die. Ive treated my body horribly for so long because I didn't care. Suddenly I care. Very much. Time to get healthy. Time to get out of this abusive relationship, grow and heal. Become the man I was always supposed to be. 

For a while I struggled with staying for the kids. It dawned on me during this latest bout of depression via PPND that what good am I as a dead man? Do I be the best father I can be outside of the marriage, or do I stay "for the kids" and continue to abuse my body and mind until i finally have the guts to not just tie that noose, but actually use it? Staying suddenly was no longer was an option. Informed the kids last night im moving out. Indescribable pain having to tell them. They seemed surprisingly unfazed by the news. Which hurt cause of course my CPD (I'm seriously going to TM that) and low self esteem issues told me instantly its because I'm a bad father. Except then I remembered she already had a conversation with the kids, when i wasn't there, without giving me a heads up or letting me know she was going to do that, so I figure she might have prepped them in advance outside my knowledge. 

She's spoken poorly of me to my own mother and sister. Unknown to me until all this started going down. My mom told me about it. I confronted her on this. Her response "its like girlfriend talk. Don't you ever say anything bad about me to your friends? You are on that forum, don't you vent and say bad things about me?" ****ing NO! I never have! Did I? Did I ever say anything bad about her here? I don't think I ever did. Ive only ever blamed myself for everything. Anyway, so she's used to speaking poorly of me, who's to say what she is telling our kids. Who's to say she didn't prep them already? She's vindictive. She supported my decision to move out. Until I came home with apartment applications. She lost it on me. Next day I come home and all the family photos in the house are taken down. This after telling me endlessly she wants to change and work on our marriage and her control issues. Pictures of me with my kids taken down and put away in boxes. Its so ****ed up! I'm so stupid! I can't believe how completely stupid and blind ive been this whole time. This ***** broke me! Broke my life! I'm giving up everything I have ever worked for to keep my kids safe and happy. Her idea of working on the marriage is to visually erase me from the picture in front of our kids. Like I never existed. She still doesn't get it. She still doesn't get why I'm moving out. That "you don't have the ability to show me the grace ive shown you" her words! Its Un-****ing-believable! Its unbelievable how completely worthless and utterly stupid ive been. 

This is all so ****ED!


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## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> The Dude has a one month old baby. I think he’s probably got quite a long journey before he’s actually single in the sense of dating and being happy about it. :frown2:


Being happy post divorce doesn't necessarily mean dating. It might be Dude embracing being a single dad and focusing on building a good relationship with his child, or maybe pursuing other goals that were in conflict with his marriage. Maybe it means sinpley embracing himself and learning to love himself again and prioritizing his own happiness.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Initiated separation. Move in to my new apartment Friday. We tell the kids tonight. I'm taking my clothes and camping gear. Because she controlled all the money, I have nothing. So, happy my camping gear consists of sleeping pads and sleeping bags. So I'll have a spot on the floor to sleep. My decision, trying to keep the home life stable for the kid's sake. So she gets everything, I'll take what's left of my sanity and rebuild from there. Im able to take the kids to school every morning and watch my baby 3 days per week, so kids lives aren't impacted really any differently in terms of having to change schedules around for them. I can take my daughter to dance and pick her up from school, watch my baby, take my son to church. Everything stays the same there. I made sure of it. Oh yeah, new job which accommodates all this and is better in terms of steady hours and pay.
> 
> Oh and my dog is coming with me. Not sure when I'll file. She loses her mind when she loses control. So im giving her as much as I can and will slowly work my way out of this marriage over a course of a few months I figure before I file. Once she feels safe and I feel safe that she won't go vindictive. If i do everything all at once, she would lose total control and become a maniac. Seen it before. Even very recently when I came home with apartment applications.


Why are you giving her everything? Moving out looks bad already to the courts. And now you are just giving her everything she wants? What happens when your kids come over , you gonna have them sleep on the floor and eat ramen noodles. You think that will look good to the courts? 

The future may look grim right now and your mind is foggy AF, but one day you will feel better and slap yourself for laying down like a doormat to your STBXW. Get your half you are legally entitled to and start over. A lot of us have been there whether we chose it or not. Get some strength, if not for yourself, for you kids. Put your life into the hands of someone or something stronger than yourself. We are weak and frail creatures, life is hard all alone. God Bless. Take care of yourself.


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## FeministInPink

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Dude won't be dating anyone for a very long time. Maybe ever. I don't think I have any sort of healthy mental make up to be in a relationship.
> 
> Always preferred to backpack solo.





TheDudeLebowski said:


> Until I fix my CPD (sounds good doesn't it? CPD) I'm in no shape to date anyone. Will simply be the same issues all over again. Repetition Compulsion.


You can, eventually, be healthy enough for a real relationship--you just need to take the time and do the work on yourself. You've taken the first step, which is physically removing yourself from the toxic relationship. Are you doing IC? I think you need someone like that to help you down this road. If cost is an issue, there are some places where you can pay on a sliding scale, or you can work with therapists who have finished their degree/studies, but don't have their license yet (they have to get an ungodly number of hours working with clients before they get their license), and they charge a nominal fee. 

Also, check out the book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melissa Beattie. I think that will really help.


TheDudeLebowski said:


> You guys are the only friends I have. At least she admitted fault for that one. Ugh :crying:


I was in the same place during my split, and the TAM community was amazing while I worked on rebuilding myself. It was my primary means of emotional support.

Regarding quitting smoking... check out "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by Allan Carr. Trust me on this one, I've used it and it's brilliant. I'm a non-smoker now, and I'm actually happy about it... not many former smokers can say that, but Allan Carr former smokers do 

(And the money saved by not smoking will help pay for the IC.)

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Why are you giving her everything? Moving out looks bad already to the courts. And now you are just giving her everything she wants? What happens when your kids come over , you gonna have them sleep on the floor and eat ramen noodles. You think that will look good to the courts?
> 
> The future may look grim right now and your mind is foggy AF, but one day you will feel better and slap yourself for laying down like a doormat to your STBXW. Get your half you are legally entitled to and start over. A lot of us have been there whether we chose it or not. Get some strength, if not for yourself, for you kids. Put your life into the hands of someone or something stronger than yourself. We are weak and frail creatures, life is hard all alone. God Bless. Take care of yourself.


ALL OF THIS. Half of everything is YOURS. She's already taken so much from you, don't just roll over in this process.

I get it. When I was divorcing my XH, I was willing to leave EVERYTHING behind just to be free, just to escape the tortured hell that a marriage with him had become. But you have to fight for what's yours, because nobody's just going to give it to you. You are gonna have to fight for your kids and for shared custody, because otherwise she's getting child support and will continue to take everything you have for the next 18 years. TAKE WHAT IS YOURS so you can create a home for your kids where they will feel safe and loved, so you will get shared custody. And that's not just about financials; it's about showing your kids that you love them and you are willing to fight for them, and you want to be an equal parent in their lives.

If you give hereverything, then she is still in control of you. You didn't leave her so that she would still be able to control your life.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

FeministInPink said:


> Being happy post divorce doesn't necessarily mean dating. It might be Dude embracing being a single dad and focusing on building a good relationship with his child, or maybe pursuing other goals that were in conflict with his marriage. Maybe it means sinpley embracing himself and learning to love himself again and prioritizing his own happiness.


Right. However, I just made the comment pointing out Dude's situation for others who may not know that he is not "single" in the same way some of us are. He is not even separated yet and my mention of the tiny baby (which is his third child) is to give reference to the fact that less than a month ago he was putting a crib together and headed for the delivery room. When I was in his shoes (timeline-wise, not baby-wise) it did not even occur to me to consider myself "single". There is a long, long road ahead of just trying to get through day by day.

I'm sure that like the rest of us, Dude will come out ok in the end. He may even date again one day. Maybe not, and that's ok too.


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## TheDudeLebowski

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Why are you giving her everything? Moving out looks bad already to the courts. And now you are just giving her everything she wants? What happens when your kids come over , you gonna have them sleep on the floor and eat ramen noodles. You think that will look good to the courts?
> 
> The future may look grim right now and your mind is foggy AF, but one day you will feel better and slap yourself for laying down like a doormat to your STBXW. Get your half you are legally entitled to and start over. A lot of us have been there whether we chose it or not. Get some strength, if not for yourself, for you kids. Put your life into the hands of someone or something stronger than yourself. We are weak and frail creatures, life is hard all alone. God Bless. Take care of yourself.


Hmmm. My kids stability of home and life is worth more than me having a nicer apartment with whatever material possessions. Ymmv


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## TheDudeLebowski

I will remind you guys of two things. Im getting what I want. 

1) Time with my kids by my own power, when and how I want it. 

2) the one with nothing to lose holds all the leverage. 

The ball is in my court. You think I will give that up for money? For a split of a bunch of crap I can just buy again no issue? Not happening. Zero chance for abandonment. I'm stupid but not completely. I covered all the bases. She tries to get dirty. She loses. Simple as that. I did the math. I'm a moron but I can add and devide by 2. She's coming out ahead. I have nothing to lose, she has all of it to lose. I'm actually getting what I want and if she tries me. We get dirty and she loses. I have all the power right now. Call that fog if you want. I call it clarity


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## notmyjamie

Dude,

I'm not sure whether I should say I'm sorry to see you here or happy that you are taking some control and getting your life together. I'm glad to hear you've stopped drinking and all the drugs. I'm happy you have finally realized you are worth more than what you were getting...because you are. 

I know what it's like to leave a relationship where you've been controlled very subtly. I was not married at the time but it took me a long time to realize I was worth more than that. It took a long time to get to a healthy place again and I was young, single, and had no kids to worry about. 

Where are the friends you used to have? Were they good for you? Ring them up...get back in touch. The friends I had were all too happy to invite me back into their lives and yours might be too. 

If you can't afford or don't want to do therapy, look for a divorce support group or meetup. Those are free and can be very helpful and many times people make lasting friends at a group like that. It might take a few tries before you find a group you mesh well with though.

I also want to say that I am very surprised to hear all of this as no, you never talked your STBX down in this group, at least not that I ever saw. You made her seem like an angel at times. Also, I agree with you completely about some self help groups...I tried Al-Anon years ago and couldn't stand it...it felt like each person was trying to top the rest in what they had suffered and wanted some sort of badge for it. No thanks. 

I've missed you and while I'm not happy about the reason, I'm very happy to see you here again.

*hugs*


ETA: Congratulations on your new baby!!! Although it's not the best timing, a new baby is a blessing. You are a great Dad and this baby is lucky to have you!!


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## ConanHub

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Well I'm not on drugs, so there's no reason to go to NA. I relapsed in psychedelics last year around March. 2018 smoked pot 2 times I remember. I'm forgetful so I'll just say it was for sure less than 5 times. Last year was a bad year on that front. Picked up the habit again, but it wasn't every day. Got a cart once every two weeks or so and those last about 4 days. Then I would be off it again. Did this several times.
> 
> One day I was at work, this was in October seems longer but oh well, anyway I was toking on a cart. There's this guy who's a California caricature all "dude" and "bro" and a total blonde surfer stereotype. Fits all of them. His eyes are always red af so I figured he smoked. I offered it to him, assuming he knew what it was, he takes it and takes a big rip and then is like "is this pot?" And I was like "yeah I thought you knew that. Is that a problem?" Well turns out he's in a halfway house. Had to draw cards the next day for random drug testing. He didn't draw the test card, everything worked out ok. We kept in contact throughout all of this and I was willing to offer him a place to stay all of it. I would have done anything to make sure he was safe and looked after if he got kicked out. He didn't, he told me he needed it and it gave him better perspective. He didn't really slip up because it was an honest mistake, boneheaded and careless on my part, but honest. He said it helped him by recognizing that he doesn't need it and while he enjoyed the experience, after it was over he had no desire to do it. Sort of like he passed a test basically. A pot quiz as it were haha. Hes a believer so he said God gave him this test and he is happy and it also helped him put some other issues he had into perspective.
> 
> Anyway, I came on here and said "the problem with sinning is someone else always pays for it in some way shape or form" and that whole experience also gave me new perspective. I always told myself that my sins are fine as long as they only hurt me. But that's simply not how it works out. Others always pay the price. I might pay as well, but so do others. Anyway, sense that day I've had no desire to ever smoke again. I could have caused someone to become homeless just being an idiot. I don't ever want to smoke again. Me and MJ got a divorce that day. She doesn't get any second chances with me. She's fine for many and i don't judge others for partaking. My relationship with her was always toxic. Wont go back. I have no desire at all, not even occasional cravings anymore.
> 
> So anyway. Next up is smoking cigarettes. That one will be much more difficult. Im slowly but surely weaning down. Week by week, I drop another cigarette. Down to half a pack/day. I figure i kicked a meth and coke habit on my own, never looked back. Kicked a psychedelic habit, that relapse included the scariest experience of my life and **** ever messing with that stuff again. The pot thing, I did kick but I was encouraged by my stbxw to partake because it benefits her greatly. I'm more productive and numb to our relationship issues when I'm kept sick. Each time in 2018 I did partake, it was with her encouragement to do so. Because I get more done around the house and I'm back to my happy go lucky self. That's one of the abuse issues. Get in trouble for smoking. Quit. Become increasingly upset at our low sex issues and lack of power in the relationship. Encouraged to smoke again and given money for the purchase. Then I get in trouble for smoking and made to feel bad for it. Its sick. I was kept numb so she could control me. I never saw it. I'm so stupid! Anyway, I wont go back to that ever again. So I kicked all that stuff solo without groups or help, I'll kick cigarettes too.
> 
> For the longest, I just wanted to die. Ive treated my body horribly for so long because I didn't care. Suddenly I care. Very much. Time to get healthy. Time to get out of this abusive relationship, grow and heal. Become the man I was always supposed to be.
> 
> For a while I struggled with staying for the kids. It dawned on me during this latest bout of depression via PPND that what good am I as a dead man? Do I be the best father I can be outside of the marriage, or do I stay "for the kids" and continue to abuse my body and mind until i finally have the guts to not just tie that noose, but actually use it? Staying suddenly was no longer was an option. Informed the kids last night im moving out. Indescribable pain having to tell them. They seemed surprisingly unfazed by the news. Which hurt cause of course my CPD (I'm seriously going to TM that) and low self esteem issues told me instantly its because I'm a bad father. Except then I remembered she already had a conversation with the kids, when i wasn't there, without giving me a heads up or letting me know she was going to do that, so I figure she might have prepped them in advance outside my knowledge.
> 
> She's spoken poorly of me to my own mother and sister. Unknown to me until all this started going down. My mom told me about it. I confronted her on this. Her response "its like girlfriend talk. Don't you ever say anything bad about me to your friends? You are on that forum, don't you vent and say bad things about me?" ****ing NO! I never have! Did I? Did I ever say anything bad about her here? I don't think I ever did. Ive only ever blamed myself for everything. Anyway, so she's used to speaking poorly of me, who's to say what she is telling our kids. Who's to say she didn't prep them already? She's vindictive. She supported my decision to move out. Until I came home with apartment applications. She lost it on me. Next day I come home and all the family photos in the house are taken down. This after telling me endlessly she wants to change and work on our marriage and her control issues. Pictures of me with my kids taken down and put away in boxes. Its so ****ed up! I'm so stupid! I can't believe how completely stupid and blind ive been this whole time. This ***** broke me! Broke my life! I'm giving up everything I have ever worked for to keep my kids safe and happy. Her idea of working on the marriage is to visually erase me from the picture in front of our kids. Like I never existed. She still doesn't get it. She still doesn't get why I'm moving out. That "you don't have the ability to show me the grace ive shown you" her words! Its Un-****ing-believable! Its unbelievable how completely worthless and utterly stupid ive been.
> 
> This is all so ****ED!


So sorry Dude! You have never spoken ill of her. You have uplifted her and your children while taking shots, some of them even funny, at yourself.

I'm all for getting healthy! If you need anything and I can help, let me know.


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## TheDudeLebowski

FeministInPink said:


> ALL OF THIS. Half of everything is YOURS. She's already taken so much from you, don't just roll over in this process.
> 
> I get it. When I was divorcing my XH, I was willing to leave EVERYTHING behind just to be free, just to escape the tortured hell that a marriage with him had become. But you have to fight for what's yours, because nobody's just going to give it to you. You are gonna have to fight for your kids and for shared custody, because otherwise she's getting child support and will continue to take everything you have for the next 18 years. TAKE WHAT IS YOURS so you can create a home for your kids where they will feel safe and loved, so you will get shared custody. And that's not just about financials; it's about showing your kids that you love them and you are willing to fight for them, and you want to be an equal parent in their lives.
> 
> If you give hereverything, then she is still in control of you. You didn't leave her so that she would still be able to control your life.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Having her keep everything allows me to dictate for my kids than anything else. It's not about her, its about my kids staying in their house, in their beds, in their same schools. It also allows me to dictate the when I see my kids as well as how much I will offer in terms of financial support. That isn't to say I'm not going to do whatever I can for them, its to say I have the power now. She can't make demands because I'll go for a 50/50 split and she will lose the house and drag the kids through a custody battle. So that mess will be on her hands, not mine. Further, she won't do that because she wants stability for the kids in all this. 

She texted me with what she wanted me to split or that we could just figure 30% of my check, that she's willing to compromise haha. I fired back we have a 99/1 split, that is the compromise. If she wants to go through the courts for 30% I'll be forced to have her buy me out of my half of everything. She can pay for everything and still has money left over after every check. I'll still help. Maybe pay for my daughter's dance. Thats basically a car payment. Like $400. I don't make that much money and she knows this and I'll need to buy furniture and such. Thats cheap so no issue. Just saying I'm dictating everything cause I put us in a position where she has everything to lose. Both financially as well as being the one who will put the kids through hell if she doesn't comply. She won't do that. I'm not abandoning my responsibilities, she can't claim that ever. I will do anything to make sure our kids are well taken care of and have set it up that way. While simultaneously ensuring she can't make any demands of me. Just means I gotta buy furniture and kitchen suppies and such. Big deal. 

Oh and I'm taking care of them at the house. She's just gonna have to deal with it. Once I get my place setup, they will come over more. Until then, I'm taking care of the kids and spending time with them at the house. Its all taken care of and done so on my terms.


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## ConanHub

@TheDudeLebowski

I'm very impressed with your motives toward your children.

You're a man.

If we get together again, I'll buy you a Pepsi or Coke if you don't want a beer.

I know you aren't addicted to alcohol but you call it.

I really enjoyed bsing about American pop culture and Clint Eastwood.

I'm seriously glad you are interested in your own health.

Acknowledging your deficits doesn't have to be negative but make sure you don't get like certain clergy throughout history that flogged themselves and, if you have a rough go at yourself, make sure it is productive, nurturing and helpful.

I'm hard on myself as well but I mostly try to use self criticism for positive improvement.

Glad you re engaged here.


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## notmyjamie

TheDudeLebowski said:


> She texted me with what she wanted me to split or that we could just figure 30% of my check, that she's willing to compromise haha. I fired back we have a 99/1 split, that is the compromise. If she wants to go through the courts for 30% I'll be forced to have her buy me out of my half of everything. She can pay for everything and still has money left over after every check. I'll still help. Maybe pay for my daughter's dance. Thats basically a car payment. Like $400. I don't make that much money and she knows this and I'll need to buy furniture and such. Thats cheap so no issue. Just saying I'm dictating everything cause I put us in a position where she has everything to lose. Both financially as well as being the one who will put the kids through hell if she doesn't comply. She won't do that. I'm not abandoning my responsibilities, she can't claim that ever. I will do anything to make sure our kids are well taken care of and have set it up that way. While simultaneously ensuring she can't make any demands of me. Just means I gotta buy furniture and kitchen suppies and such. Big deal.


I highly recommend you check out a consignment shop for furniture and household goods. You can find some really great stuff for cheap. It will make setting up your new place much easier.


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## Elizabeth001

notmyjamie said:


> I highly recommend you check out a consignment shop for furniture and household goods. You can find some really great stuff for cheap. It will make setting up your new place much easier.




Also:

Your local “trash & treasure” Facebook group or Facebook Marketplace. 

Thrift stores. 

A Restore if you have one in your area. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

@TheDudeLebowski, Craigslist is also a good place to find furniture and other goods and is usually cheaper than a store, where they have overhead and employees to pay. I bought a bed frame that way years ago for about $10 and it's as sturdy as could be and still in use today. If you start looking a little bit with each paycheck, you should be able to furnish most of your apartment fairly soon without spending a ton of money. I assume you want your children to feel at home in your place, because where you are is where home is to them. They may have two homes, but making your place welcoming and comfortable for them will be important to them.


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## attheend02

So I'm on Match looking through profiles...

I am separated with two weeks before my divorce is final... had been dating for a while, but am back on Match.

I find it ironic that I'm passing on "separated" profiles...


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## ConanHub

I've done a little research on internet/social media/texting date searches.

What a black hole of ridiculous neurosis.


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## RebuildingMe

attheend02 said:


> So I'm on Match looking through profiles...
> 
> I am separated with two weeks before my divorce is final... had been dating for a while, but am back on Match.
> 
> I find it ironic that I'm passing on "separated" profiles... <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>


That’s why I won’t join yet. I’ll save the money. No one wants to date someone going through the **** show of divorce.


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## ConanHub

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s why I won’t join yet. I’ll save the money. No one wants to date someone going through the **** show of divorce.


Does anyone meet organically anymore?


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## 3Xnocharm

ConanHub said:


> Does anyone meet organically anymore?




I sure hope so! 


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## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s why I won’t join yet. I’ll save the money. No one wants to date someone going through the **** show of divorce.


While it is true that many will avoid dating someone who is separated, there are some people who won’t care at all. Either they are in the same position, or they are not totally available somehow. Maybe they just want to date casually without a firm commitment or without any looking at a future. Maybe they are about to be transferred to another city in 3 months but are open to dating in the meantime. Others are just there for casual sex so they won’t care if that person is separated.

My point is only that I think people can always find others to date at their own level of availability. It should just depend on how ready you are, not worrying about whether others will be ready for you. In whatever possible position anyone is in, there are those who would be ok with dating (or having sex with) you. They (and you) may not be ready for more than that, but the sex and cheap dates are available.

People want to be affectionate or sexual, even if they don’t want to be committed. 

Now once someone is ready to only date with the goal of love or commitment, then they should not date at the same level as described above. And these daters are typically pretty determined to date only others who also want love and commitment.

It’s still best to meet in person anyway. And that will tend to happen in the amount you are ready for. I just heard a story from a friend who met someone in person and things went really well, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy because the majority of meetups are from the apps so now it seems so romantic to actually meet in person. 

Don’t go on the apps until you really are ready to talk to some people and meet them and explore with someone. Don’t worry about if they will be willing to date you no matter what position you are in. Just know the apps are a nice tool but you in person should be also checking around for in person meets. And it’s all too much work if you aren’t ready yet. When you are ready, it will seem like fun instead of work.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> That’s why I won’t join yet. I’ll save the money. No one wants to date someone going through the **** show of divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> While it is true that many will avoid dating someone who is separated, there are some people who won’t care at all. Either they are in the same position, or they are not totally available somehow. Maybe they just want to date casually without a firm commitment or without any looking at a future. Maybe they are about to be transferred to another city in 3 months but are open to dating in the meantime. Others are just there for casual sex so they won’t care if that person is separated.
> 
> My point is only that I think people can always find others to date at their own level of availability. It should just depend on how ready you are, not worrying about whether others will be ready for you. In whatever possible position anyone is in, there are those who would be ok with dating (or having sex with) you. They (and you) may not be ready for more than that, but the sex and cheap dates are available.
> 
> People want to be affectionate or sexual, even if they don’t want to be committed.
> 
> Now once someone is ready to only date with the goal of love or commitment, then they should not date at the same level as described above. And these daters are typically pretty determined to date only others who also want love and commitment.
> 
> It’s still best to meet in person anyway. And that will tend to happen in the amount you are ready for. I just heard a story from a friend who met someone in person and things went really well, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy because the majority of meetups are from the apps so now it seems so romantic to actually meet in person.
> 
> Don’t go on the apps until you really are ready to talk to some people and meet them and explore with someone. Don’t worry about if they will be willing to date you no matter what position you are in. Just know the apps are a nice tool but you in person should be also checking around for in person meets. And it’s all too much work if you aren’t ready yet. When you are ready, it will seem like fun instead of work.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing that @Faithful Wife. I’m not sure I’m ready yet, but you never know unless you try, right? 3 months later I have gotten to know my right hand all to well, if you catch my drift.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you for sharing that @Faithful Wife. I’m not sure I’m ready yet, but you never know unless you try, right? 3 months later I have gotten to know my right hand all to well, if you catch my drift.


I was so heartbroken after my D that I basically had to force myself to get back out there. And at first I was such a mess that I would only talk to and date others who were in some way restricted from trying to date for love or commitment. They were people who, like me, were still trying to find their way. Or they were in a completely different place than me but they were not able or willing to go into a serious relationship.

Over time, I began to be ready to date at higher and higher levels of partnership and commitment. 

Now at 4 years post divorce I’m ready to find a nice, sweet relationship with someone. In the meantime I’ve had a lot of fun.

Good luck, go slowly and never do anything that doesn’t feel right or isn’t fun.


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> While it is true that many will avoid dating someone who is separated, there are some people who won’t care at all. Either they are in the same position, or they are not totally available somehow. Maybe they just want to date casually without a firm commitment or without any looking at a future. Maybe they are about to be transferred to another city in 3 months but are open to dating in the meantime. Others are just there for casual sex so they won’t care if that person is separated.
> 
> 
> 
> My point is only that I think people can always find others to date at their own level of availability. It should just depend on how ready you are, not worrying about whether others will be ready for you. In whatever possible position anyone is in, there are those who would be ok with dating (or having sex with) you. They (and you) may not be ready for more than that, but the sex and cheap dates are available.
> 
> 
> 
> People want to be affectionate or sexual, even if they don’t want to be committed.
> 
> 
> 
> Now once someone is ready to only date with the goal of love or commitment, then they should not date at the same level as described above. And these daters are typically pretty determined to date only others who also want love and commitment.
> 
> 
> 
> It’s still best to meet in person anyway. And that will tend to happen in the amount you are ready for. I just heard a story from a friend who met someone in person and things went really well, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy because the majority of meetups are from the apps so now it seems so romantic to actually meet in person.
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t go on the apps until you really are ready to talk to some people and meet them and explore with someone. Don’t worry about if they will be willing to date you no matter what position you are in. Just know the apps are a nice tool but you in person should be also checking around for in person meets. And it’s all too much work if you aren’t ready yet. When you are ready, it will seem like fun instead of work.


I pretty much agree with everything FW says here.

Since I'm quoting her, I'm going to own up and tell you that I'm the "friend" she's referring to. I met a guy who I clicked with at a Meetup happy hour, and I am VERY HAPPY to report that I ended my 1.5 yrs post-Real Estate (my ex bf, for the newbies here) sexual dry spell on Friday night.

I don't know if this is going to go anywhere, but I'm not worried about that. It felt very good to get back on that horse again. I'm kind of feeling like I could conquer the world, LOL.

I've had better luck with meeting people in person than I've had with apps. I think the thing is you need to put yourself in places/situations where the point is to meet and chat with new people and make new friends. You get to meet people in a low-pressure environment, and you get to know what they're like in real life.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

FeministInPink said:


> I pretty much agree with everything FW says here.
> 
> Since I'm quoting her, I'm going to own up and tell you that I'm the "friend" she's referring to. I met a guy who I clicked with at a Meetup happy hour, and I am VERY HAPPY to report that I ended my 1.5 yrs post-Real Estate (my ex bf, for the newbies here) sexual dry spell on Friday night.
> 
> I don't know if this is going to go anywhere, but I'm not worried about that. It felt very good to get back on that horse again. I'm kind of feeling like I could conquer the world, LOL.
> 
> I've had better luck with meeting people in person than I've had with apps. I think the thing is you need to put yourself in places/situations where the point is to meet and chat with new people and make new friends. You get to meet people in a low-pressure environment, and you get to know what they're like in real life.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Congrats on the bang :smthumbup:
And the relationship too of course. :smile2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

I’d like to meet someone organically also, which is why I’ve stayed off the dating sites. I just haven’t put myself out there or tried yet. 

FP- congrats on your conquest!


----------



## Lila

FeministInPink said:


> I pretty much agree with everything FW says here.
> 
> Since I'm quoting her, I'm going to own up and tell you that I'm the "friend" she's referring to. I met a guy who I clicked with at a Meetup happy hour, and I am VERY HAPPY to report that I ended my 1.5 yrs post-Real Estate (my ex bf, for the newbies here) sexual dry spell on Friday night.
> 
> I don't know if this is going to go anywhere, but I'm not worried about that. It felt very good to get back on that horse again. I'm kind of feeling like I could conquer the world, LOL.
> 
> I've had better luck with meeting people in person than I've had with apps. I think the thing is you need to put yourself in places/situations where the point is to meet and chat with new people and make new friends. You get to meet people in a low-pressure environment, and you get to know what they're like in real life.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Woohoo @FeministInPink. Very happy to hear that you are very happy 🙂. Here's to many more happy moments.


----------



## FeministInPink

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Congrats on the bang :smthumbup:
> 
> And the relationship too of course. :smile2:


Oh, it's too early to call this a relationship. It might turn into one later, but right now we're still feeling each other out.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic

Faithful Wife said:


> Don’t go on the apps until you really are ready to talk to some people and meet them and explore with someone. Don’t worry about if they will be willing to date you no matter what position you are in. Just know the apps are a nice tool but you in person should be also checking around for in person meets. And it’s all too much work if you aren’t ready yet. When you are ready, it will seem like fun instead of work.


My dilemma is that I'm such an introvert that no matter how "ready" I am for dating, putting myself out there to talk to strangers sounds horrible! I live a full and busy life and don't want to spend my precious spare time doing screening work that does not sound fun at all. 

I just want to skip to the comfortable relationship part. :|

All but one of my relationships have been with people from friend circles, and that other one I was introduced to through a friend.


----------



## Faithful Wife

FeministInPink said:


> Oh, it's too early to call this a relationship. It might turn into one later, but right now we're still feeling each other up.


Fixed your post! :laugh:

Super happy for your dry spell to be broken and especially by meeting someone in person. Woohoo!

Doesn’t matter if it isn’t long term, it broke the spell and is giving you something to smile about.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Hopeful Cynic said:


> My dilemma is that I'm such an introvert that no matter how "ready" I am for dating, putting myself out there to talk to strangers sounds horrible! I live a full and busy life and don't want to spend my precious spare time doing screening work that does not sound fun at all.
> 
> I just want to skip to the comfortable relationship part. :|
> 
> All but one of my relationships have been with people from friend circles, and that other one I was introduced to through a friend.


I hear ya and I’m introverted also. I hate talking to strangers. I don’t mind doing it on the apps though. I feel safe there because I can end a convo at any time and never have to be uncomfortable. The screening is a lot of work but doing it from my couch makes it ok. Also I get a lot of entertainment out of it, you should see some of these profiles! 

Do you have any friends you can ask to set you up? That’s still the best way to go I think!


----------



## FeministInPink

Hopeful Cynic said:


> My dilemma is that I'm such an introvert that no matter how "ready" I am for dating, putting myself out there to talk to strangers sounds horrible! I live a full and busy life and don't want to spend my precious spare time doing screening work that does not sound fun at all.
> 
> 
> 
> I just want to skip to the comfortable relationship part. :|
> 
> 
> 
> All but one of my relationships have been with people from friend circles, and that other one I was introduced to through a friend.


So, actually, this is why I think going to things like meetups is better than apps. There's no endless swiping, and because you meet people in person from the get-go, you know immediately if there's chemistry. You don't chat online for however long, and then meet in person only to discover there's no spark. And there's no pressure, because people aren't there to necessarily find a partner, they are there to spend their time doing an activity they enjoy. So even if you don't meet someone, it won't be wasted time. And if you feel uncomfortable talking to new people, you can bring along a wing-person and it won't be weird.

I go with my [male] best friend (aka Air Force), and he helps me scope people out, helps me start convos. He filters out the losers, and he talks me up to guys who seem like they're interested. And it's an easy way for ME to know if a guy is interested: they always ask if Air Force and I are together, or how long we've been dating. And it helps me suss out if the guy is comfortable with me having a male best friend, because that's a deal breaker for me.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Hiner112

I saw this thread pop up on the active list as "The NEW Singles of TAM" and I thought, "Well my first divorce hearing is in February so I'll be newly single soon." Then I realized that it was a new thread for this year and not necessarily for people that are newly single. I'm in limbo right now instead of "single" since she moved out Sept 2018 but the divorce won't be final for a while yet.

*waves* Hi everybody.


----------



## notmyjamie

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s why I won’t join yet. I’ll save the money. No one wants to date someone going through the **** show of divorce.


Don't bank on it. I'm not divorced yet and neither is my boyfriend. I go to court tomorrow and he will be going in a month. We've been dating for 8 months. I left my husband about 14 months ago and he and his STBX split up 2 1/2 years ago. 

We've each been a good support for each other. He has been an invaluable resource to me on how to handle certain things with my kids as he's already been there. And since I did mediation before he did, I've been able to help him know what to expect with that. 

We like to joke that we're married...just not to each other. Neither of us ever expected to get divorced but here we are. You make the best of what life throws at you.


----------



## FeministInPink

Hiner112 said:


> I saw this thread pop up on the active list as "The NEW Singles of TAM" and I thought, "Well my first divorce hearing is in February so I'll be newly single soon." Then I realized that it was a new thread for this year and not necessarily for people that are newly single. I'm in limbo right now instead of "single" since she moved out Sept 2018 but the divorce won't be final for a while yet.
> 
> 
> 
> *waves* Hi everybody.


This thread is for all TAM singles, both newly and perennial singles. Welcome!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001

@FeministInPink did you ever get to wear that red dress again?
The one I told you to sing Santa Baby in.


----------



## Not

Hopeful Cynic said:


> My dilemma is that I'm such an introvert that no matter how "ready" I am for dating, putting myself out there to talk to strangers sounds horrible! I live a full and busy life and don't want to spend my precious spare time doing screening work that does not sound fun at all.
> 
> I just want to skip to the comfortable relationship part. :|
> 
> All but one of my relationships have been with people from friend circles, and that other one I was introduced to through a friend.



I’m introverted too and dreaded the idea of dating. I’d still love to jump to the comfortable relationship part lol! The first time I stepped out I had a panic attack and couldn’t breath, like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I forced myself to stay, this was a singles event at a restaurant and by the end of the night I was having a great time! 

I still dread dates and usually try to talk myself out of them but always force myself to go. This is sounding like I go on dates all the time, I do not. But when I do, I go through the same routine trying to talk myself out of it. It would be so much easier to just stay home! I’d really like to meet someone nice though so I’m forcing myself out there. 

I think for us introverts the desire to meet someone will become stronger than our dread and we then “just do it”.


----------



## Not

I’m talking to someone and that’s all I’m going to say. I don’t want to jinx it lol!

In other news, I do have gallstones! But...my doc isn’t convinced it’s the source of my pain and vomiting because there’s no inflammation or wall thickening. More tests to come. Bah humbug.


----------



## RebuildingMe

notmyjamie said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> That’s why I won’t join yet. I’ll save the money. No one wants to date someone going through the **** show of divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't bank on it. I'm not divorced yet and neither is my boyfriend. I go to court tomorrow and he will be going in a month. We've been dating for 8 months. I left my husband about 14 months ago and he and his STBX split up 2 1/2 years ago.
> 
> We've each been a good support for each other. He has been an invaluable resource to me on how to handle certain things with my kids as he's already been there. And since I did mediation before he did, I've been able to help him know what to expect with that.
> 
> We like to joke that we're married...just not to each other. Neither of us ever expected to get divorced but here we are. You make the best of what life throws at you.
Click to expand...

Ahh Jamie, you are a beacon of hope for us leper’s.


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## Zulnex

Hello everyone. I've always been single so I thought I could write a quick message here. *waves*


----------



## RandomDude

Not said:


> I’m introverted too and dreaded the idea of dating. I’d still love to jump to the comfortable relationship part lol! The first time I stepped out I had a panic attack and couldn’t breath, like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I forced myself to stay, this was a singles event at a restaurant and by the end of the night I was having a great time!
> 
> I still dread dates and usually try to talk myself out of them but always force myself to go. This is sounding like I go on dates all the time, I do not. But when I do, I go through the same routine trying to talk myself out of it. It would be so much easier to just stay home! I’d really like to meet someone nice though so I’m forcing myself out there.
> 
> I think for us introverts the desire to meet someone will become stronger than our dread and we then “just do it”.


Desire stronger than dread indeed...

For me it wasn't the desire to meet someone that made me approach my now girlfriend of two years, it was the desire to meet her specifically after being infatuated as soon as I saw her.
At the time I already decided to myself single life was already far superior to anything else and was quite content, then it happened.

I reckon if someone isn't making you want to date at all, then it isn't worth it. With my girlfriend it was either make a move or live with the regret.


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## FeministInPink

Andy1001 said:


> @FeministInPink did you ever get to wear that red dress again?
> 
> The one I told you to sing Santa Baby in.


No... December ended up being a pretty busy month, and a) I only went to karaoke a few times, and b) didn't have the time to learn Santa Baby.

I'm sure another opportunity to wear the red dress will come up.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> I still dread dates and usually try to talk myself out of them but always force myself to go. This is sounding like I go on dates all the time, I do not. But when I do, I go through the same routine trying to talk myself out of it. *It would be so much easier to just stay home!* I’d really like to meet someone nice though so I’m forcing myself out there.
> 
> I think for us introverts the desire to meet someone will become stronger than our dread and we then “just do it”.


This is weird, it must be an introvert thing because it happens to me too. Even if I'm really looking forward to meeting someone, I always have these thoughts in the back of my head trying to come up with a reason not to go out. However, I feel that way about other things too, even meeting my friends or one of my (adult) kids out for a drink. There's always this part of me that just doesn't want to go out in public. I do not feel this when I am visiting at someone's house or them coming to mine, just when it is a public place. I don't succumb to the thoughts and ignore them every time but it is just odd that they come up in my mind every time also. Nothing bad has ever happened to me in a random public place or on a blind date so it isn't like I have some old dark fears to overcome. It is not logical. But it's me, it is the way I am, and I am glad I know myself well enough to work with it.

Unfortunately, so far I've never heard of someone being at home when Mr. or Ms. Right knocks on their door by some weird coincident so I'm pretty sure I have to keep going out in public on dates in order to meet someone. :laugh:


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## 3Xnocharm

ME THREE on the introvert thing!


----------



## Elizabeth001

3Xnocharm said:


> ME THREE on the introvert thing!




4!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

Not said:


> I’m talking to someone and that’s all I’m going to say. I don’t want to jinx it lol!
> 
> In other news, I do have gallstones! But...my doc isn’t convinced it’s the source of my pain and vomiting because there’s no inflammation or wall thickening. More tests to come. Bah humbug.


Ugh!! Hope they find the answer soon!!!


----------



## FeministInPink

Elizabeth001 said:


> 4!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


5!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Ikaika

Elizabeth001 said:


> 4!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




= 24


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## Ikaika

FeministInPink said:


> 5!
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk




= 120


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

So yesterday I went and lit up my CC at wally world cause im all about the finer things in life. :laugh:

Plates, bowls, flatware, a knife set, pots and pans, half pans (I got the good ones here cause they are worth the $$ to have good ones) mixing bowls, utensils of all sorts, pot holders and towels, cutting boards, coffee maker ... My kitchen is basically set now. Yay! That's the most important part for me personally. Now i can cook!

Got my bathroom set, towels, shower curtain and liner, floor mats, soaps and shampoos and TP ... all that fun stuff. Bathroom is set. 

Then I went and got a blow up mattress haha. Better than my sleeping pad although I do sleep on that thing pretty well. Sheets, blankets, all that good stuff. So I had a better than decent setup last night. Slept like a baby. 

Oh and I got a super fancy Texas flag camping chair haha. So now i have a place to sit. I figure I'll use it for the patio once I get furniture. Speaking of that, I figure tonight I'll check out the furniture store. I appreciate the advice on cregs list and nextdoor and all that but i don't have a big vehicle and I don't want to rent a truck and mess with all that. Plus im cash poor. So I figure I'll do it proper with new stuff and have it delivered. Furniture stores always do no interest promos for 4-5 years. I can get fixed up for like $50/month and have it delivered and setup for me and it will be all my stuff I pick out. I don't need much at all really, but a couch would be nice as well as some lamps cause I forget apartments have something against light fixtures for some odd reason. Maybe a small dining room table and dresser cause all my pants and shorts and socks and such are folded in nice neat little piles all over the floor in my closet. Maybe I'll get a bed frame as well while im at it and figure out the mattress. We have a new box spring in the garage that came with our mattress but its a platform bed and the box spring made it way to high. So I have that already. I can have everything set up and just throw my air mattress on the box spring and bed and use that until I can pay cash for a mattress. 

So anyway, all this ish is coming together so I'm happy with that. It's almost as if I'm a capable adult here :grin2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

So I’m trying to change things up in my single life. I’ve always been a sneakers guy. I went out to the outlets this weekend and bought all new clothes. Went for boots for the first time ever. Did by new sneakers for the gym. Also bought size 33 jeans (I haven’t been this size since high school) and a bunch of medium shirts. All name brand stuff. Makes me feel good about myself and how far I’m come in a short period of time. I just thought I’d share. At least I’ll feel better about myself when and if it’s time for that first date.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TheDudeLebowski said:


> So yesterday I went and lit up my CC at wally world cause im all about the finer things in life. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" ></a>
> 
> Plates, bowls, flatware, a knife set, pots and pans, half pans (I got the good ones here cause they are worth the $$ to have good ones) mixing bowls, utensils of all sorts, pot holders and towels, cutting boards, coffee maker ... My kitchen is basically set now. Yay! That's the most important part for me personally. Now i can cook!
> 
> Got my bathroom set, towels, shower curtain and liner, floor mats, soaps and shampoos and TP ... all that fun stuff. Bathroom is set.
> 
> Then I went and got a blow up mattress haha. Better than my sleeping pad although I do sleep on that thing pretty well. Sheets, blankets, all that good stuff. So I had a better than decent setup last night. Slept like a baby.
> 
> Oh and I got a super fancy Texas flag camping chair haha. So now i have a place to sit.  I figure I'll use it for the patio once I get furniture. Speaking of that, I figure tonight I'll check out the furniture store. I appreciate the advice on cregs list and nextdoor and all that but i don't have a big vehicle and I don't want to rent a truck and mess with all that. Plus im cash poor. So I figure I'll do it proper with new stuff and have it delivered. Furniture stores always do no interest promos for 4-5 years. I can get fixed up for like $50/month and have it delivered and setup for me and it will be all my stuff I pick out. I don't need much at all really, but a couch would be nice as well as some lamps cause I forget apartments have something against light fixtures for some odd reason. Maybe a small dining room table and dresser cause all my pants and shorts and socks and such are folded in nice neat little piles all over the floor in my closet. Maybe I'll get a bed frame as well while im at it and figure out the mattress. We have a new box spring in the garage that came with our mattress but its a platform bed and the box spring made it way to high. So I have that already. I can have everything set up and just throw my air mattress on the box spring and bed and use that until I can pay cash for a mattress.
> 
> So anyway, all this ish is coming together so I'm happy with that. It's almost as if I'm a capable adult here <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>


Congrats on the new place!


----------



## Cynthia

@TheDudeLebowski, Does your wife have any help with your children and with your new baby or is she dealing with that by herself? I'm confused about how she is managing with a newborn while you are out buying furniture and setting up a new home for yourself.


----------



## Spicy

@TheDudeLebowski

I have a reply but it probably doesn’t fit in this thread. I’ll start one, I hope that’s ok.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

Cynthia said:


> @TheDudeLebowski, Does your wife have any help with your children and with your new baby or is she dealing with that by herself? I'm confused about how she is managing with a newborn while you are out buying furniture and setting up a new home for yourself.


I watch the baby every Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. I take the kids to school every day. I'm here with baby now. 

My apartment needs to be furnished and comfortable for the kids to come over and spend the night. I left with my clothes and camping gear. I had literally 4 boxes of stuff. Its a big empty shell. She kept everything. Again, by design. For the reason of keeping stability of our, well now her home. Their schedules didn't change at all with this and neither did her schedule. The only difference is she is on night duty every night and we actually talked about this today. I offered to have baby spend the night with me 3 nights per week so she can catch up. I also offered to change my work schedule on Saturday so the kids can come over and spend the night giving her a night off from all kids to do stuff for herself. 

She also has her parents here just 15 minutes away and the kids go there often. I was the one isolated in our marriage and I left with basically nothing to go on my own. But your concern for her is expected. Nobody really gives a ish about men. To answer FW's old thread "do women lack empathy for men?" The answer is a resounding YES!


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

Spicy said:


> @TheDudeLebowski
> 
> I have a reply but it probably doesn’t fit in this thread. I’ll start one, I hope that’s ok.


I wrote out a long explanation in a pm. I'll copy and paste what i wrote once I get a response back cause I didn't save it and I never remember to check the box that puts PMs in sent.


----------



## Cynthia

@TheDudeLebowski, thank you for your reply. I agree that you need a place for your children to be able to spend time with you and to feel at home, plus you have to be able function and sleep properly. My concern is about your wife in her post-partum period and I wanted to know if she's okay, as she is very vulnerable at this time. You hadn't mentioned it, so I asked a sincere question and I appreciate your sincere response.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

Cynthia said:


> @TheDudeLebowski, thank you for your reply. I agree that you need a place for your children to be able to spend time with you and to feel at home, plus you have to be able function and sleep properly. My concern is about your wife in her post-partum period and I wanted to know if she's okay, as she is very vulnerable at this time. You hadn't mentioned it, so I asked a sincere question and I appreciate your sincere response.


Yeah I know. Fun fact, men get postnatal depression as well. At about a 10%-25% clip. Paternal postnatal depression or PPND as they call it. Moms get screenings and tests pre and post birth and their mental health and well being is of top priority from not only the medical community but society. Rightfully so we do need to do all we can to help new moms. Dad's? They can go eff themselves basically. Nobody cares we experience the same levels of depression pre and post birth at the same rates as women. 10%-25% depending on the study you choose to read. Identical numbers. 

Who here knows that's even a thing? I never did until this year. Must be a new finding.


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## OnTheFly

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Who here knows that's even a thing?


I didn't.


----------



## Cynthia

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Yeah I know. Fun fact, men get postnatal depression as well. At about a 10%-25% clip. Paternal postnatal depression or PPND as they call it. Moms get screenings and tests pre and post birth and their mental health and well being is of top priority from not only the medical community but society. Rightfully so we do need to do all we can to help new moms. Dad's? They can go eff themselves basically. Nobody cares we experience the same levels of depression pre and post birth at the same rates as women. 10%-25% depending on the study you choose to read. Identical numbers.
> 
> Who here knows that's even a thing? I never did until this year. Must be a new finding.


Maybe this is due to the fact that a woman is pregnant for nine months, has to give birth through a physically demanding and laborious process (labor), and then has a period of time needed for recovery and establishing breastfeeding. Women are at an extreme disadvantage during this time. Men are expected to step up and do more than they usually do, so perhaps their depression is stemming from new demands coupled with the lack of attention that they require from their mate. I can see how that would be depressing and difficult.


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## TheDudeLebowski

Cynthia said:


> Maybe this is due to the fact that a woman is pregnant for nine months, has to give birth through a physically demanding and laborious process (labor), and then has a period of time needed for recovery and establishing breastfeeding. Women are at an extreme disadvantage during this time. Men are expected to step up and do more than they usually do, so perhaps their depression is stemming from new demands coupled with the lack of attention that they require from their mate. I can see how that would be depressing and difficult.


In no way am I trying to discredit the plight of women by pointing to the difficulties men face in this time as well. Thank you for your understanding that it is certainly not as if men experience a cake walk here. From what ive read about PPND a lot of it stems from not only the changes you described, but also from feelings of extreme pressure to provide and not feeling like they are or will be enough of the man they need to be for their family. Add in that women tend to neglect their husbands. There was a thread here once about if you put your children or husbands first. Nearly every woman said kids. Oh, and they are all divorced haha. Correlation or causation? Idk. Interesting though. The women that said they put their husbands first, most of them are still married. Anecdotal but I wonder if they have done studies on this. 

You get outta life what you put into it. Husband goes on the backburner, don't be surprised if your marriage or sex life fails. Same for men, some men do this too or they fail to step up to support their wives and instead worry too much about the providing aspect. Their sex life and marriages fail. It's pretty simple math really.


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## TheDudeLebowski

Cynthia said:


> Maybe this is due to the fact that a woman is pregnant for nine months, has to give birth through a physically demanding and laborious process (labor), and then has a period of time needed for recovery and establishing breastfeeding. Women are at an extreme disadvantage during this time. Men are expected to step up and do more than they usually do, so perhaps their depression is stemming from new demands coupled with the lack of attention that they require from their mate. I can see how that would be depressing and difficult.


I'll also point out that as a codependent, my entire marriage revolved around putting my wife's feelings above my own in every situation. Shouldering every fault and blame for every disagreement. Like my wife, the second I do something for myself, there's attempts to make me feel bad for it. So, you can take your empathy for me and my situation, and just keep it inside. Call me a bad person if you want. I don't really care. Ive been made to believe it endlessly in my marriage. Women do NOT have empathy for men. Even FW won't speak to me, just about me as if I'm not here. Some friend


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## Faithful Wife

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'll also point out that as a codependent, my entire marriage revolved around putting my wife's feelings above my own in every situation. Shouldering every fault and blame for every disagreement. Like my wife, the second I do something for myself, there's attempts to make me feel bad for it. So, you can take your empathy for me and my situation, and just keep it inside. Call me a bad person if you want. I don't really care. Ive been made to believe it endlessly in my marriage. Women do NOT have empathy for men. Even FW won't speak to me, just about me as if I'm not here. Some friend


Oh c'mon Dude. I've been liking your posts even though we haven't talked. The reason I haven't directly talked to you is that I want to let some of this play out for you and see how you settle in. As you know, I have been treated terribly by you in some of your down moments. I have forgiven all of that and I understand you. But as the Vanya to your Klaus, I want to tread lightly and just root for you from the sidelines until you get to a better place within yourself. Otherwise we may end up in some kind of end of the world catastrophic explosion together. Just let me root from the side for now. I'm still here.


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## RebuildingMe

Wow, TAM is like going to a new school district in high school. All these people have known each other for years and you’re the new kid who knows nothing of these back stories.


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## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Wow, TAM is like going to a new school district in high school. All these people have known each other for years and you’re the new kid who knows nothing of these back stories.


Welcome to school, new kid!


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## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Welcome to school, new kid!


Don’t pick on the new kid!


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## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Don’t pick on the new kid!


What?? I welcomed you!! :laugh::laugh:

Just stick with us, this is where the cool kids hang out, down here in the singles thread. We'll show you around campus. :smthumbup:


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## Cynthia

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'll also point out that as a codependent, my entire marriage revolved around putting my wife's feelings above my own in every situation. Shouldering every fault and blame for every disagreement. Like my wife, the second I do something for myself, there's attempts to make me feel bad for it. So, you can take your empathy for me and my situation, and just keep it inside. Call me a bad person if you want. I don't really care. Ive been made to believe it endlessly in my marriage. Women do NOT have empathy for men. Even FW won't speak to me, just about me as if I'm not here. Some friend


Making a generalization that women don't have empathy for men is a tactic used to try to make people feel guilty. 

Marriage is about unity and working together. Sometimes one person takes precedence over another when their needs are greater, within the marriage or family unit. When a woman has just had a baby, the needs of the mother and baby are greater than the needs of the rest of the family for a while. That is natural. It's too bad that some women put their children's needs over the needs of their husband. Personally I think that everyone in the family matters and there should be a balance to make sure that everyone is getting their needs met, including making sure the marriage is nurtured. Kids benefit when their parents make time for each other and when parents work to keep their marriage healthy. Having children shouldn't create marriage problems.

I'm not making any attempt to make you feel bad. If you feel bad, that is not my fault.

Your answers to my questions have been enlightening.


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## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t pick on the new kid!
> 
> 
> 
> What?? I welcomed you!! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" ></a><a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" ></a>
> 
> Just stick with us, this is where the cool kids hang out, down here in the singles thread. We'll show you around campus. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smthumbup.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smthumbup" ></a>
Click to expand...

Yes, I was kidding. Why can’t I use emojis from my phone when I post? I’ll use an “lol” from now on to play it safe.


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## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, I was kidding. Why can’t I use emojis from my phone when I post? I’ll use an “lol” from now on to play it safe.


Yeah, no emojis from the phone, sorry new kid! Maybe if you become class president you can have that changed for us.


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## Elizabeth001

Oh man... this is TOTALLY my favorite thread!

Just needed to put that out there. 



PS: I love you guys! 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

Elizabeth001 said:


> Oh man... this is TOTALLY my favorite thread!
> 
> Just needed to put that out there.
> 
> 
> 
> PS: I love you guys!


We love you too, sister :x


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## Blondilocks

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'll also point out that as a codependent, my entire marriage revolved around putting my wife's feelings above my own in every situation. Shouldering every fault and blame for every disagreement. Like my wife, the second I do something for myself, there's attempts to make me feel bad for it. So, you can take your empathy for me and my situation, and just keep it inside. Call me a bad person if you want. I don't really care. Ive been made to believe it endlessly in my marriage. Women do NOT have empathy for men. Even FW won't speak to me, just about me as if I'm not here. Some friend


Dude, I've been watching from the sidelines, too. My heart is breaking for what you and your family are going through. I'm so glad that you are still involved with your children and that you're getting in some good bonding time with little Sophie. You're a good dad - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Right now, and for the foreseeable future, your emotions are going to be on edge. Just remember that and try to not let perceived slights take hold. Perceived is the operative word. You're pretty prickly at the moment. You remind me of me when my thyroid blew up and I developed neuropathy - all of a sudden it would feel as if the nerves in my thighs, back etc. were on fire and other times they would go dead. Pretty scary until I knew what was happening.

You are on a new path and a great adventure into the unknown world of single adulthood. I have every confidence that with your intelligence you will be able to navigate and thrive. You are too smart not to.

I also secretly hope that your marriage can be saved or a new marriage forged when you both have recalibrated yourselves and how you interact. Take care.:x


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## TheDudeLebowski

Blondilocks said:


> Dude, I've been watching from the sidelines, too. My heart is breaking for what you and your family are going through. I'm so glad that you are still involved with your children and that you're getting in some good bonding time with little Sophie. You're a good dad - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
> 
> Right now, and for the foreseeable future, your emotions are going to be on edge. Just remember that and try to not let perceived slights take hold. Perceived is the operative word. You're pretty prickly at the moment. You remind me of me when my thyroid blew up and I developed neuropathy - all of a sudden it would feel as if the nerves in my thighs, back etc. were on fire and other times they would go dead. Pretty scary until I knew what was happening.
> 
> You are on a new path and a great adventure into the unknown world of single adulthood. I have every confidence that with your intelligence you will be able to navigate and thrive. You are too smart not to.
> 
> I also secretly hope that your marriage can be saved or a new marriage forged when you both have recalibrated yourselves and how you interact. Take care.:x


Thanks. I know I'm incredibly defensive right now because I know how most of you are. I'm the same so I'm not saying I'm not. But most people here are infinitely judgemental of others. Its sort of the culture of this site. There's very few outliers. They exist, but there's very few of them here. Should those folks ever step outside of pre-approved and long standing TAM rhetoric, they get swiftly castrated by the self righteous TAM mob. Which again, is most people here. 

Ive chosen this place, this site where people are infinitely judgemental, to try and work out my feelings. "Only post in OT" some of you smarter ones say. Cause you know damn well what I'm talking about. Others have left and wont ever come back. Long time members finally fed up with the culture that is here. Many post sparingly, or only in one or two specific sections not even related to marriage at all. This is the place i chose to go through my darkest moments. Yes, I'm defensive. Can you blame me?

The events that have gone down post big fight and subsequent initiation of my separation have done all the damage that one can do to ensure the chances of reconciliation is nil. 

Btw, say hi to her everyone! She reads this thread. Found out a couple days ago. I don't care really. Enjoy the ish show


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## Cynthia

Oh brother. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Wow, this thread took off! HI to all the newly single peeps, so sorry we're in the same boat.

So I went on a second date Saturday with a guy I hit it off with the Sunday before. We're both introverts, but were yapping away amongst other things > for quite a bit and ended up spending the entire day together again (10 hrs this time). I really put myself out there - I'm direct to a fault lol, I suck at reading between the lines when it comes to myself and hate playing games. Go big or go home, right? 

We started dating exclusively off the bat and already decided to see where things will lead. Yeah, the mental connection was great from the start and the chemistry was... heated. He just walked up to me in front of everyone (people were staring) and planted a solid kiss on me when we first met 0 I was rather surprised and embarrassed, but kinda liked it :lol: 

We're on a pause for the next 2 to 3 weekends, (he has his son) and we live too far apart atm to meet up during the week until my move. (90 mins atm). The last time I dated someone, he totally ghosted me not long after our second date, so I'm on tenterhooks atm and feeling myself starting to pull back even though I'm really into him. He's smart, funny, affectionate but not pushy and Funnily enough we're the same personality type - INTJ, so we "get" each other. I got him to take the same test I had to do for a paper I worked on last night out of curiousity.

I'm actually enjoying things for the first time in a long time and I'm recognizing the signs of self sabotage starting. One of the things I'm working on in therapy is being a better friend to myself and forgiving myself when I don't live up to my code. Also, feeling worthy of something that could potentially be good. 

Has anyone dealt with this? I need some inputs with how to get the **** out of my head! I don't often meet people, especially men I'm attracted to that I connect with on a mental level and I don't want to ruin this before seeing where it could lead.


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## In Absentia

Cynthia said:


> Marriage is about unity and working together. Sometimes one person takes precedence over another when their needs are greater, within the marriage or family unit. When a woman has just had a baby, the needs of the mother and baby are greater than the needs of the rest of the family for a while. That is natural. It's too bad that some women put their children's needs over the needs of their husband.


I think women always put their children's needs first, regardless. Especially with new babies. It's just that us, the men, are not prepared to deal with it. We are not told. We become second class citizens in the marriage. We help, we support, we share, but we get nothing in return. Most of the time. There are exceptions, obviously. As I said in another thread, men shouldn't get married if they are prepared to lose their sex life at some point. I mean, real sex life, no pity or starfish sex. It mostly always happens...

Therefore, I applaud @TheDudeLebowski for his bold decision. As a massively co-dependent person myself, this is what _I_ should have done 20 years ago as well.


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## notmyjamie

As someone who has given birth and had to do 80% of the newborn care myself, I can see how easy it is to put the newborn ahead of your husband. Newborns are 100% reliant on others for survival. After taking care of all those needs there is not much left over to give someone else to be honest. 

When you’ve been breastfeeding and changing diapers all day and haven’t slept in days the last thing you want to hear is that the baby’s father wants some attention too. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. 

At some point things should even out a bit though...I remember having an early bedtime as a kid. The main reason for this was so that my parents could have their time together. You just need to be creative in how you balance things out. 

I know 2 couples who have managed this well and they have the strongest marriages I know. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.


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## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> When you’ve been breastfeeding and changing diapers all day and haven’t slept in days the last thing you want to hear is that the baby’s father wants some attention too. I’m sorry but it’s the truth.
> 
> At some point things should even out a bit though...



Absolutely... we waited 3 months after the birth of each child before we had sex again. I must admit I had to pester my wife a bit, because she was still in mummy mode. It's when things get very unbalanced and you become an afterthough and the kids take precedence on everything that problems start emerging...


----------



## notmyjamie

In Absentia said:


> Absolutely... we waited 3 months after the birth of each child before we had sex again. I must admit I had to pester my wife a bit, because she was still in mummy mode. It's when things get very unbalanced and you become an afterthough and the kids take precedence on everything that problems start emerging...


It’s not even all about sex. I remember my ex husband being upset that I wouldn’t or rather, couldn't stay up and watch a tv program with him. I hadn't slept more than 2 hours the night before and the baby was finally asleep. Choosing sleep over spending time with him seemed like a no brainer. Now, he 100% agreed and only expressed that he missed our time together. But the fact remains that he felt a bit abandoned. 

Our sex life took a good six months to get back to where we had been but frequently suffered during times with sick kids. For my ex it was always more about missing my companionship...something I know he misses even today.


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## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> Our sex life took a good six months to get back to where we had been but frequently suffered during times with sick kids. For my ex it was always more about missing my companionship...something I know he misses even today.


I know of couples who started having sex again after one week... :surprise: I never missed my wife's company when we had babies. I knew she had to be with them. When she was breastfeeding, we slept in separate rooms so I could have a proper rest and be ready to take over in the morning or when I was needed so she could have a rest. I worked from home, so it was great. I think it worked out quite well... until she stopped breastfeeding... then it was me up all the time... :frown2:


----------



## notmyjamie

In Absentia said:


> I know of couples who started having sex again after one week... :surprise: I never missed my wife's company when we had babies. I knew she had to be with them. When she was breastfeeding, we slept in separate rooms so I could have a proper rest and be ready to take over in the morning or when I was needed so she could have a rest. I worked from home, so it was great. I think it worked out quite well... until she stopped breastfeeding... then it was me up all the time... :frown2:


Ugh...I always had night duty...no sense in making him get up when only I can feed the baby. I still got up with them after they weaned because he never heard them but by then they were over a year so they didn’t get up as much. He did plenty of childcare so I can’t complain about his participation in raising our kids. 

I was in no condition to have sex one week after delivering. I can’t even imagine wanting to but as I’ve walked in on couples having sex 2 hours later I know others feel differently. :surprise:


----------



## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> I can’t even imagine wanting to but as I’ve walked in on couples having sex 2 hours later I know others feel differently. :surprise:


:surprise::surprise::surprise:


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

notmyjamie said:


> As someone who has given birth and had to do 80% of the newborn care myself, I can see how easy it is to put the newborn ahead of your husband. Newborns are 100% reliant on others for survival. After taking care of all those needs there is not much left over to give someone else to be honest.
> 
> When you’ve been breastfeeding and changing diapers all day and haven’t slept in days the last thing you want to hear is that the baby’s father wants some attention too. I’m sorry but it’s the truth.
> 
> At some point things should even out a bit though...I remember having an early bedtime as a kid. The main reason for this was so that my parents could have their time together. You just need to be creative in how you balance things out.
> 
> I know 2 couples who have managed this well and they have the strongest marriages I know. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.



How about having the kids sleep in the bed with you and pushing your husband out of the marital bed 2 nights a week for 10 years? In the face of our intimacy issues. In the face if your husband trying everything. Every stupid thing everyone talks about is the issue. I did every single house chore, all of them, including cleaning the kids rooms, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning the living room, everything. I did it all because that's what she said the issue was. When that didn't fix anything, I changed course. Stupid love languages BS (a total nonsense exercise. The love language stuff is complete horse ****) changing how I communicate. Changing how I interact. Giving up every hobby ever.

In the face of everything, she had the kids in the bed 2 nights a week and I would go sleep somewhere else. If I protested, its because I was being selfish. Its because I only cared about sex. What changed it? Her own decision for herself. She also heard a sermon and the preacher talked about this issue. She sent me this sermon podcast and I watched it. She later tells me "that part about sleeping with the kids hit home haha" she laughed about it! In the face of all the pain she caused me regarding this issue, she simply laughed. Never apologized. I was a joke to her. 

I say this, but then I look at how ive always acted. I AM A JOKE! I wasn't ever there enough. I wasn't ever strong enough. I wasn't a good father or husband. I wasn't ever a good provider. Some stupid boy who never accomplished anything. No wonder she wouldn't **** me! Who would? Who's turned on by a HS drop out, drug addicted, never amounted to anything, poor excuse for a man? Insignificant and worthless. Y'all make these lists on here about what you want in a partner. Every single woman on here. I don't live up to any of these standards. Why would she ever want to be with me? I'm meant to be alone in life and I recognize now I'll never be good enough. So there it is. Y'all take care. I have nothing to offer anyone and there's nothing anyone here can ever do for me.


----------



## ReformedHubby

TheDudeLebowski said:


> How about having the kids sleep in the bed with you and pushing your husband out of the marital bed 2 nights a week for 10 years? In the face of our intimacy issues. In the face if your husband trying everything. Every stupid thing everyone talks about is the issue. I did every single house chore, all of them, including cleaning the kids rooms, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning the living room, everything. I did it all because that's what she said the issue was. When that didn't fix anything, I changed course. Stupid love languages BS (a total nonsense exercise. The love language stuff is complete horse ****) changing how I communicate. Changing how I interact. Giving up every hobby ever.
> 
> In the face of everything, she had the kids in the bed 2 nights a week and I would go sleep somewhere else. If I protested, its because I was being selfish. Its because I only cared about sex. What changed it? Her own decision for herself. She also heard a sermon and the preacher talked about this issue. She sent me this sermon podcast and I watched it. She later tells me "that part about sleeping with the kids hit home haha" she laughed about it! In the face of all the pain she caused me regarding this issue, she simply laughed. Never apologized. I was a joke to her.
> 
> I say this, but then I look at how ive always acted. I AM A JOKE! I wasn't ever there enough. I wasn't ever strong enough. I wasn't a good father or husband. I wasn't ever a good provider. Some stupid boy who never accomplished anything. No wonder she wouldn't **** me! Who would? Who's turned on by a HS drop out, drug addicted, never amounted to anything, poor excuse for a man? Insignificant and worthless. Y'all make these lists on here about what you want in a partner. Every single woman on here. I don't live up to any of these standards. Why would she ever want to be with me? I'm meant to be alone in life and I recognize now I'll never be good enough. So there it is. Y'all take care. *I have nothing to offer anyone and there's nothing anyone here can ever do for me*.


That is simply not true! While it is true that neither me or anyone else on here can change your circumstances. You certainly can. I get that you are in a rut right now, but you are far from worthless. You seem to be stuck on thinking of yourself as an underachiever, but you can start changing that at anytime you want. Its certainly a marathon and not a sprint, but you can decided to begin that journey whenever you want. People say that life is short, I myself have never agreed with that. Most of us are going to see at least seven decades. I don't know how old you are, I'm going to guess you're in your 40s? Plenty of time to make your mark in this world and become the man and the father you want to be. I know right now you don't believe in yourself. But I believe in you! Everything you are down about is fixable. Right now you feel like life is beating you down, but what I want for you when you stand up again is for you to come out swinging.

Misery and depression don't care who you are nor how much you have in your bank account. I myself am what most would consider an overachiever, it doesn't mean that life didn't also knock me on my ass. If you had asked me three years ago how I felt, truth be told I really didn't care if I lived or died, and it reflected in the wreckless choices I made, but I came back from it, slowly but surely. I don't like to spill my guts on here, but I felt as worthless as you do right now during that time. But I came out of it. If you hang on, you will too.


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## notmyjamie

TheDudeLebowski said:


> How about having the kids sleep in the bed with you and pushing your husband out of the marital bed 2 nights a week for 10 years? In the face of our intimacy issues. In the face if your husband trying everything. Every stupid thing everyone talks about is the issue. I did every single house chore, all of them, including cleaning the kids rooms, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning the living room, everything. I did it all because that's what she said the issue was. When that didn't fix anything, I changed course. Stupid love languages BS (a total nonsense exercise. The love language stuff is complete horse ****) changing how I communicate. Changing how I interact. Giving up every hobby ever.
> 
> In the face of everything, she had the kids in the bed 2 nights a week and I would go sleep somewhere else. If I protested, its because I was being selfish. Its because I only cared about sex. What changed it? Her own decision for herself. She also heard a sermon and the preacher talked about this issue. She sent me this sermon podcast and I watched it. She later tells me "that part about sleeping with the kids hit home haha" she laughed about it! In the face of all the pain she caused me regarding this issue, she simply laughed. Never apologized. I was a joke to her.
> 
> I say this, but then I look at how ive always acted. I AM A JOKE! I wasn't ever there enough. I wasn't ever strong enough. I wasn't a good father or husband. I wasn't ever a good provider. Some stupid boy who never accomplished anything. No wonder she wouldn't **** me! Who would? Who's turned on by a HS drop out, drug addicted, never amounted to anything, poor excuse for a man? Insignificant and worthless. Y'all make these lists on here about what you want in a partner. Every single woman on here. I don't live up to any of these standards. Why would she ever want to be with me? I'm meant to be alone in life and I recognize now I'll never be good enough. So there it is. Y'all take care. I have nothing to offer anyone and there's nothing anyone here can ever do for me.


That’s simply not true Dude!!! You have been with someone who has controlled you for years. That’s warped your sense of self. There are many many women who want a nice guy who will treat them well and not care how much money he makes. As for the drug use, I suspect that now that you are free of that controlling environment you won’t need that. And the other big thing is smoking...if you s one quit...you can’t afford it anyway!! LOL


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## sunsetmist

@TheDudeLebowski

IMO: one's value is not in what they do, but who they are--in their being--their existence. You are a human being, not a human doing. One can hire folks to clean, cook, transport, etc. However, love and caring are sort of sacrificial gifts. You love your kids and put them first at times (like daughter's dancing). You tried all within your power to help Katie find happiness, but that is her task, not yours. You were trying to do something not in your power and now are starting to recognize that.

Equal partners work together for each others good and contentment. Marriage is not a competition. We all have faults, selfish moments, regrets. A good partner works with you to the benefit of both.

I find myself frustrated that you accept FOO influences, untreated ADHD, attempts at self-medication over those here who care for you! Until you love yourself, find the confidence you deserve, accept help, I wonder how you can manage the undeserved pain. Guilt and shame are treacherous. None of us are perfect, no not one. That does not make us a joke--it makes us real, human. I am not trying to diminish your efforts, but to offer my point-of-view. Glad you are working on taking care of you, but sad that you judge yourself too harshly.

You are smart, fit, social, curious, good-looking, I'm sure. Let go of what you might have done--who knows what that would have accomplished? Build on the here and now, please.


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## Blondilocks

Dude, get off the self-pity pot - it's going to leave a ring on your ass and it's only beating you down further.

You're hurting and you have every right to hurt. 

For every insult you throw your own way, I want you to say five good things about yourself. And, it will be easy!

Start by rewriting your last post to emphasize your contributions to the marriage, household and family. 

To date, you have allowed your wife to define your worth; start defining your own worth.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Blondilocks said:


> Dude, get off the self-pity pot - it's going to leave a ring on your ass and it's only beating you down further.
> 
> You're hurting and you have every right to hurt.
> 
> For every insult you throw your own way, I want you to say five good things about yourself. And, it will be easy!
> 
> *Start by rewriting your last post to emphasize your contributions to the marriage, household and family. *
> 
> To date, you have allowed your wife to define your worth; start defining your own worth.


Exactly! He certainly did more on the homefront than I ever did. My marriage was more "traditional". My role was to provide, hers was managing the household. I always appreciated my wife's contribution to our team. Just because a contribution isn't financial, it doesn't mean it isn't work. Not sure why he is under valuing his efforts of taking care of the home duties. Its equally important, and when it comes to kids one could say it might even be more important. Now what I am no longer married, when I have my kids it all falls on me, it wasn't easy at first! Sure I'm a super fun dad, but man did it take me a while to learn to, "do things like mommy".


----------



## Andy1001

notmyjamie said:


> Ugh...I always had night duty...no sense in making him get up when only I can feed the baby. I still got up with them after they weaned because he never heard them but by then they were over a year so they didn’t get up as much. He did plenty of childcare so I can’t complain about his participation in raising our kids.
> 
> I was in no condition to have sex one week after delivering. I can’t even imagine wanting to but as I’ve walked in on couples having sex 2 hours later I know others feel differently. :surprise:


From the first time I met her I always thought my wife was an Amazonian. 
The day after she gave birth she was doing sit-ups. 
Two days later she was swimming and she only waited that long because I had to de-chlorinate the pool.
An on the third day we had sex 😋


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> So I’m trying to change things up in my single life. I’ve always been a sneakers guy. I went out to the outlets this weekend and bought all new clothes. Went for boots for the first time ever. Did by new sneakers for the gym. Also bought size 33 jeans (I haven’t been this size since high school) and a bunch of medium shirts. All name brand stuff. Makes me feel good about myself and how far I’m come in a short period of time. I just thought I’d share. At least I’ll feel better about myself when and if it’s time for that first date.


I'll tell you what, the way a man dresses can tell a lot about him. How you dress and present yourself to the world says a lot about your self-respect and how you view yourself. Taking pride in your appearance shows that you care about yourself. (For some people, investing TOO much can be a sign of insecurity. That's another discussion.) I take pride in my appearance, and I expect my partner to do the same. When I dress well, I feel better about myself, and I think you will, too. 

And women like a sharp-dressed man. My best friend used to be a sneakers guy, which drove me nuts because he dresses well otherwise, and the sneakers just don't work. (He had a pair of black dress shoes he would wear with suits, but he said they're unconfortable.) He finally bought a nice pair of brown leather shoes that he loves, and I noticed right away. Totally elevated his look. Trust me, women notice your shoes 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie

Andy1001 said:


> From the first time I met her I always thought my wife was an Amazonian.
> The day after she gave birth she was doing sit-ups.
> Two days later she was swimming and she only waited that long because I had to de-chlorinate the pool.
> An on the third day we had sex 😋


That’s awesome...it’s clear your wife didn’t have the complications I did LOL! I’m lucky I was ever able to have sex again. I should have sued the doctor!!! Every time I see him at work I want to punch him. 

Also, both sex and swimming are not recommended for six weeks after giving birth. LOL


----------



## Andy1001

notmyjamie said:


> That’s awesome...it’s clear your wife didn’t have the complications I did LOL! I’m lucky I was ever able to have sex again. I should have sued the doctor!!! Every time I see him at work I want to punch him.
> 
> Also, both sex and swimming are not recommended for six weeks after giving birth. LOL


When we were leaving the hospital I had a list of questions for the obstetrician a mile long. My wife only had one, when could she swim again?
He told her that because of “seepage” it would be unwise to swim for a few weeks out of courtesy to other swimmers. She looked at me and laughed. 
I went home and emptied the pool and then refilled it without using any chlorine. Two days later she was swimming. 
Like I said an Amazonian.


----------



## ewam

There are no rules about when to start having sex again after you have given birth.-it is sentence from official NHS UK website, so yes you can have sex after few days if you feel like that.


----------



## notmyjamie

Andy1001 said:


> When we were leaving the hospital I had a list of questions for the obstetrician a mile long. My wife only had one, when could she swim again?
> He told her that because of “seepage” it would be unwise to swim for a few weeks out of courtesy to other swimmers. She looked at me and laughed.
> I went home and emptied the pool and then refilled it without using any chlorine. Two days later she was swimming.
> Like I said an Amazonian.


I love how much you admire your wife...it's awesome. Her doctor's explanation is crap though...the real reason is due to the risk of infection. It sounds like it all worked out well for her though so more power to her. I'm still laughing at his reasoning...women swim with their periods all the time.

I'm curious as to why no chlorine? 




ewam said:


> There are no rules about when to start having sex again after you have given birth.-it is sentence from official NHS UK website, so yes you can have sex after few days if you feel like that.


Here in the US it is generally not recommended, again, due to the risk of infection. Based on the number of people who turn up pregnant at their 6 week post partum visit not everyone follows that advice.


----------



## Andy1001

notmyjamie said:


> I love how much you admire your wife...it's awesome. Her doctor's explanation is crap though...the real reason is due to the risk of infection. It sounds like it all worked out well for her though so more power to her. I'm still laughing at his reasoning...women swim with their periods all the time.
> 
> I'm curious as to why no chlorin


The obstetrician said something about if she was still bleeding then there was a risk of infection from swimming and also the chlorine might make things more painful. I can’t remember exactly what he said to be honest. 
I should have made him write it down he charged enough.


----------



## Numb26

This "newly single" life has really thrown me for a loop. And I am not even talking about dating. It was an adjust enough to just be by myself and retrain myself to be living alone (i.e. responsible for all.household chores, bills, shopping, etc) but now I have all the kids it's a completely different animal. At least it is getting easier! Maybe one day I will be ready for dating!


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> While it is true that many will avoid dating someone who is separated, there are some people who won’t care at all. Either they are in the same position, or they are not totally available somehow. Maybe they just want to date casually without a firm commitment or without any looking at a future. Maybe they are about to be transferred to another city in 3 months but are open to dating in the meantime. Others are just there for casual sex so they won’t care if that person is separated.
> 
> My point is only that I think people can always find others to date at their own level of availability. It should just depend on how ready you are, not worrying about whether others will be ready for you. In whatever possible position anyone is in, there are those who would be ok with dating (or having sex with) you. They (and you) may not be ready for more than that, but the sex and cheap dates are available.
> 
> People want to be affectionate or sexual, even if they don’t want to be committed.
> 
> Now once someone is ready to only date with the goal of love or commitment, then they should not date at the same level as described above. And these daters are typically pretty determined to date only others who also want love and commitment.
> 
> It’s still best to meet in person anyway. And that will tend to happen in the amount you are ready for. I just heard a story from a friend who met someone in person and things went really well, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy because the majority of meetups are from the apps so now it seems so romantic to actually meet in person.
> 
> Don’t go on the apps until you really are ready to talk to some people and meet them and explore with someone. Don’t worry about if they will be willing to date you no matter what position you are in. Just know the apps are a nice tool but you in person should be also checking around for in person meets. And it’s all too much work if you aren’t ready yet. When you are ready, it will seem like fun instead of work.


For me, meeting and dating new people is pretty anxiety invoking... , separated status just adds one more layer. 

I have NO issues dating someone separated for moral or ethical reasons.

There is no guarantee that a divorced person isn't going through some crazy breakup issue either, right?


----------



## attheend02

FeministInPink said:


> So, actually, this is why I think going to things like meetups is better than apps.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I have had good luck with meetups also. My only issue is if it doesn't work out, the meetup becomes awkward.

We are all adults, though, right?


----------



## attheend02

Hiner112 said:


> I saw this thread pop up on the active list as "The NEW Singles of TAM" and I thought, "Well my first divorce hearing is in February so I'll be newly single soon." Then I realized that it was a new thread for this year and not necessarily for people that are newly single. I'm in limbo right now instead of "single" since she moved out Sept 2018 but the divorce won't be final for a while yet.
> 
> *waves* Hi everybody.


Join the club man! welcome!


----------



## attheend02

notmyjamie said:


> Don't bank on it. I'm not divorced yet and neither is my boyfriend. I go to court tomorrow and he will be going in a month. We've been dating for 8 months. I left my husband about 14 months ago and he and his STBX split up 2 1/2 years ago.
> 
> We've each been a good support for each other. He has been an invaluable resource to me on how to handle certain things with my kids as he's already been there. And since I did mediation before he did, I've been able to help him know what to expect with that.
> 
> We like to joke that we're married...just not to each other. Neither of us ever expected to get divorced but here we are. You make the best of what life throws at you.


I hope your final D wasn't too traumatic. Reading your story and watching you recover has been very inspirational to me.


----------



## Elizabeth001

attheend02 said:


> For me, meeting and dating new people is pretty anxiety invoking... , separated status just adds one more layer.
> 
> 
> 
> I have NO issues dating someone separated for moral or ethical reasons.
> 
> 
> 
> There is no guarantee that a divorced person isn't going through some crazy breakup issue either, right?




I’ve met men who are many years divorced and still not over it enough to start over. Some of them may never be. 

ETA: Maybe I never will be 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## attheend02

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’ve met men who are many years divorced and still not over it enough to start over. Some of them may never be.
> 
> ETA: Maybe I never will be
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



Keep on keepin' on! 

I guess we are all different in our post marriage journey. 

I have some issues left from 25 years of marriage, but I had a lot of issues before that that too!


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## Zulnex

I went to a hospital today with my mom to be there for her so she wouldn't be all alone.

What makes me sad every time is seeing old people sitting in their wheelchairs with no family or friends near them. Sitting all alone in those poorly lit hospital hallways. You can feel the loneliness and sadness in the air ...


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## Faithful Wife

Zulnex said:


> I went to a hospital today with my mom to be there for her so she wouldn't be all alone.
> 
> What makes me sad every time is seeing old people sitting in their wheelchairs with no family or friends near them. Sitting all alone in those poorly lit hospital hallways. You can feel the loneliness and sadness in the air ...


Yeah that is sad.

As someone who goes to hospitals all the time for my mom, I get it. My mom will never be one of the lonely people who don’t have anyone.

I’m sad for those people too. Sometimes while I’m there with her I spend time with others who need some support.


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## notmyrealname4

Elizabeth001 said:


> Just NEVER “gift” her a vacuum... even a high-tech one!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




I would LOVE a high tech vacuum.


----------



## notmyjamie

attheend02 said:


> I hope your final D wasn't too traumatic. Reading your story and watching you recover has been very inspirational to me.



Thank you so much! That’s so nice to hear. 

In all honesty, it was very anticlimactic. Court started at 9am and we were out the door at 9:05. We drove there together and drove home discussing some school stuff about our high school senior. I will get the certificate to change my name next month. 

As we were waiting for the courtroom to open I looked around and saw that every other couple there had lawyers and stacks of papers and angry looks on their faces. I felt very grateful that we were able to handle things amicably and that I had moved on from all my anger. I’m convinced the judge took our case first because we had already settled everything. She thanked us for working everything out ourselves as she looked around the room at all the other couples who were there to fight it out. 

I’ve had some people tell me I should still be angry, but really all that does is hurt me and my kids. I’m happy now and I like it that way.


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## lucy999

Hi yall. Hope it's ok I'm infiltrating this thread even though I'm not single. I'm hopping on here to kind of check in on Dude. And some of my fave people live here.:smile2:

@TheDudeLebowski just like @Blondilocks I'm hopeful you and your W can work this out.

I know you feel alone and that's why you came back. I'm so glad you did and I know others are, too. And I know you'll say save it! But Ima say it anyway. Please don't get banned! Feels like you need us and we want you to stick around. You're in your feelings--and that's totally ok. I just don't want you to go off and then *poof* you're gone. Then you'd have little to no support. I want you to have a modicum of self control. Okay?


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## RebuildingMe

I always assumed blondilocks was a chick with a name like that. Learn something new everyday!


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## Andy1001

RebuildingMe said:


> I always assumed blondilocks was a chick with a name like that. Learn something new everyday!


She is a chick and a really cool one. 
She identifies as a twenty nine year old. 
Aka Jennifer Lawrence.


----------



## attheend02

notmyjamie said:


> Thank you so much! That’s so nice to hear.
> 
> In all honesty, it was very anticlimactic. Court started at 9am and we were out the door at 9:05. We drove there together and drove home discussing some school stuff about our high school senior. I will get the certificate to change my name next month.
> 
> As we were waiting for the courtroom to open I looked around and saw that every other couple there had lawyers and stacks of papers and angry looks on their faces. I felt very grateful that we were able to handle things amicably and that I had moved on from all my anger. I’m convinced the judge took our case first because we had already settled everything. She thanked us for working everything out ourselves as she looked around the room at all the other couples who were there to fight it out.
> 
> I’ve had some people tell me I should still be angry, but really all that does is hurt me and my kids. I’m happy now and I like it that way.


My final day is 1 week from tomorrow. I expect mine to be anticlimactic also.... unless there is some surprise, my STBXW won't even be there.


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## hubbyintrubby

attheend02 said:


> My final day is 1 week from tomorrow. I expect mine to be anticlimactic also.... unless there is some surprise, *my STBXW won't even be there.*


Lucky duck.


----------



## notmyjamie

attheend02 said:


> My final day is 1 week from tomorrow. I expect mine to be anticlimactic also.... unless there is some surprise, my STBXW won't even be there.


I hope yours is as quick and boring as mine was. It was so fast the judge wouldn't even let me sit down "you won't be here long enough" was said with a smile. I knew then it would go my way. I had been afraid she'd overrule my exH's refusal of alimony. 

I slept real well that night. I hope you do too!!!!!


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## FeministInPink

attheend02 said:


> I have had good luck with meetups also. My only issue is if it doesn't work out, the meetup becomes awkward.
> 
> 
> 
> We are all adults, though, right?


Well, as it turns out, the guy from the meetup who ended my dry spell decided we weren't a great match. But he was man enough to let me know instead of ghosting me, and we had a nice chat about it. I thanked him for being a man and not ghosting, and he thanked me for being so chill about it. One of my reasons is that I don't want it to be weird if we encounter each other at another meetup in the future. 

But also, he was right. I liked him, and I didn't know him well enough to have identified any red flags, but if one person thinks it isn't a good fit, then he's right. Both people need to think it's a good fit for it to actually BE a good fit. I've always believed that if you have to convince someone to be with you, then that person isn't right for you anyway and you should just let them go so you can find someone who IS right.

If both people are grownups about it "not working out," then it shouldn't be a problem if you end up having to engage socially at an event or run into each other on the street.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

attheend02 said:


> My final day is 1 week from tomorrow. I expect mine to be anticlimactic also.... unless there is some surprise, my STBXW won't even be there.


My XH didn't come to court. I didn't know for sure until the day of if he would be there, but I had already told him he didn't need to show because I was the one who filed, and in DC only the plaintiff has to appear in court if the divorce is uncontested... so I assumed he wouldn't be there.

It was very anti-climactic, but I definitely had an Andy Dufresne moment when I left the courthouse... except that it was 11 am, sunny with no rain, and I kept my shirt on.


----------



## FeministInPink

attheend02 said:


> For me, meeting and dating new people is pretty anxiety invoking... , separated status just adds one more layer.
> 
> 
> 
> I have NO issues dating someone separated for moral or ethical reasons.
> 
> 
> 
> There is no guarantee that a divorced person isn't going through some crazy breakup issue either, right?


I have no ethical or moral reasons for not dating someone who is separated but not yet divorced. However, they tend to not be ready for anything serious and are still processing... sometimes they are just looking for someone to get over their STBX (even if they don't realize that's what they're doing)... and sometimes they are just a mess. I don't want to deal with any of that.

If there was a guy who was separated and really into me, my response would likely be, "Don't date anybody for the next six months, focus on yourself, and take the time to learn from your mistakes, because I don't want to be your rebound relationship or the person that you practice on. Then come back and hit me up."

ETA: And with someone who is separated, there's also the risk that they patch things up with the ex. There are just too many variables.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I guess I'll post my update...

So I had heard from Mr. Hollywood a few weeks ago and he wanted to see me again but would be out of town for about a month. I went on some dates in the meantime, none that were keepers. I've talked to a lot of other boys in the meantime (and got one picture for my gallery that literally blew my mind and no other picture will EVER top that one!!) but no one I'm talking to is standing out. I've realized I'm trying to put someone into my life JUST so that I won't end up back with Mr. Hollywood.

But that's not really fair to these guys, and also, I can't help it, I *like* Hollywood. A lot. Even though he isn't perfect and there are a few things I wish were different...at the same time, we always did have amazing chemistry and a good time together and I missed him. I ended it very abruptly the first time around and he was confused but he accepted it. I know because we have a mutual friend that he was moping around afterwards and he also talked to her about it a little. 

In order to see him again though, I would need him to say and do all the right things. Namely that would be: Owning that he was an idiot that day I broke it off and be apologetic, and to be able to express his feelings for me.

So I told him to let me know when he got back from his travels and we could talk.

He has been texting a bit in between (he won't be back until next week and then he will have his kids so it will be the week of Feb. 10 before we could actually see each other in person). He has also called me a few times. He seemed to be just wanting to keep himself in my mind until then.

Then last night he and I finally talked. It ended up being by text but that was my choice. He wanted to talk on the phone but I was too tired for that and said we could text. I wasn't expecting to get into it yet, was going to wait and do that in person, but he insisted that I tell him what is on my mind.

I told him he was an idiot that day I ended it and that I'm not going to chase him or any man, or ever be made to feel like I'm last on someone's list. That if I'm last I'll just be gone instead (and yes, only one time did this happen, but once is all it will be with me). Told him what he should have done and how he could have handled it all.

And....he agreed with all of it. He said he has regretted that day ever since, and has longed to see me and talk to me. He didn't reach out for a couple of months because he thought I would reject him. He knows he was a dumbass, he apologized and sincerely asked for another chance. He also said he is/was afraid of getting hurt again and that made him act like an idiot. I said well there's no way to avoid the potential of being hurt if you are into someone and he agreed and said he was sorry about all of that too. I also reminded him I'm not looking for a commitment, just a boyfriend, and that I never ever pushed him like that. He agreed and said it was actually his strong feelings for me that made him act that way, not anything I had done. He said some other sweet things too like he was sad we never got to spend a weekend together and that he wanted me in his arms all night (and that was something he had said when we were together too, we just split up before we got the chance to do that).

So he did pretty well, owning it all and expressing himself and saying all the right things. I'll see him when he gets back and we will see how it goes. And I feel all warm and fuzzy now.


----------



## Blondilocks

Andy1001 said:


> She is a chick and a really cool one.
> She identifies as a twenty nine year old.
> Aka Jennifer Lawrence.


Aww, shucks.

LOL


----------



## 2&out

Now that maybe it's not a dramaDude thread.... my update. Looks like couple yrs Gfriend and I have worked it out. Long story short is she found, "helping me", some pics she thought were recent of me and couple other women. She thought I might be "on the market" and looking. So she wanted me to know and did not make much attempt to hide - she is also "wanted" and 10 yr younger pretty boy is interested. Sigh.... Why do relationships be so fragile and in this day age so easily questioned ? 

Pics she found were like 15 yrs ago... (one weird thing is I look pretty much same now) and I don't even remember who 2 were/are. She says she never did the deed with him - just was unsure of my feelings about her as I have made it clear marriage is not in my future. Was taken a-back a bit... I explained as I'm an older guy now, I'm not "in the game" as I seriously do not care if I have a partner or not. But that I like her a lot and hope we can make each others lives better. I am not a game player. If I lose interest or caring I will be honest and say so. I, and I know she, do not need to worry/work hard if we want companionship. 

This has changed us a little but likely me more than her. She's for sure a keeper and I need to make sure she knows I think so.


----------



## Faithful Wife

2&out said:


> Now that maybe it's not a dramaDude thread.... my update. Looks like couple yrs Gfriend and I have worked it out. Long story short is she found, "helping me", some pics she thought were recent of me and couple other women. She thought I might be "on the market" and looking. So she wanted me to know and did not make much attempt to hide - she is also "wanted" and 10 yr younger pretty boy is interested. Sigh.... Why do relationships be so fragile and in this day age so easily questioned ?
> 
> Pics she found were like 15 yrs ago... (one weird thing is I look pretty much same now) and I don't even remember who 2 were/are. She says she never did the deed with him - just was unsure of my feelings about her as I have made it clear marriage is not in my future. Was taken a-back a bit... I explained as I'm an older guy now, I'm not "in the game" as I seriously do not care if I have a partner or not. But that I like her a lot and hope we can make each others lives better. I am not a game player. If I lose interest or caring I will be honest and say so. I, and I know she, do not need to worry/work hard if we want companionship.
> 
> This has changed us a little but likely me more than her. She's for sure a keeper and I need to make sure she knows I think so.


Glad it worked out. Hopefully things stay good now.


----------



## Elizabeth001

2&out said:


> Now that maybe it's not a dramaDude thread....




Perhaps a new anagram is in order. TITAT? (Take It To Another Thread)




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

*"Now that maybe it's not a dramaDude thread.... my update"*''

This reads like "enough about you, let's get back to talking about me". :wink2:


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## lucy999

I wonder if my post pissed him off. I hope not. I was speaking out of care and concern.


----------



## Not

So am I the only one who researches potential new love interests? Google, the local court system case search...I really dig. I found out one guy had been arrested for impersonating a police officer, another had filed for bankruptcy three times (I can understand once but three times?) and another had gotten busted for drug offenses. 

It's funny because I didn't research B and I really should have, I wouldn't have been happy with what I found. DUI's, criminal trespass and others who had sued him in small claims.


----------



## FeministInPink

Blondilocks said:


> *"Now that maybe it's not a dramaDude thread.... my update"*''
> 
> This reads like "enough about you, let's get back to talking about me". :wink2:





lucy999 said:


> I wonder if my post pissed him off. I hope not. I was speaking out of care and concern.


To be frank, this is the Singles thread, in the Life After Divorce subforum. It's not really the place for Dude (or anyone else) to be talking about his divorce or the problems in his marriage--these should be discussed in his own thread. He, and all newly single/divorced TAMers are welcome here, but we are here to talk about the trials, tribulations, joys, and wins of the single life.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## lucy999

FeministInPink said:


> To be frank, this is the Singles thread, in the Life After Divorce subforum. It's not really the place for Dude (or anyone else) to be talking about his divorce or the problems in his marriage--these should be discussed in his own thread. He, and all newly single/divorced TAMers are welcome here, but we are here to talk about the trials, tribulations, joys, and wins of the single life.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


You're 100% right.


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## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> So am I the only one who researches potential new love interests? Google, the local court system case search...I really dig. I found out one guy had been arrested for impersonating a police officer, another had filed for bankruptcy three times (I can understand once but three times?) and another had gotten busted for drug offenses.
> 
> It's funny because I didn't research B and I really should have, I wouldn't have been happy with what I found. DUI's, criminal trespass and others who had sued him in small claims.


How do you find this stuff out? Do you have a subscription to a background check company? I know these things are public record, but getting those records is not always easy.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> How do you find this stuff out? Do you have a subscription to a background check company? I know these things are public record, but getting those records is not always easy.


Most of what I’ve found has been through google and our court system. I did try mylife .com once but found that’s mostly phone number/address history and people related to the person, none of which I’m concerned about. The impersonating a police officer was on google, an old newspaper article. I’m looking for red flag stuff like arrests and financial irresponsibility.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Most of what I’ve found has been through google and our court system. I did try mylife .com once but found that’s mostly phone number/address history and people related to the person, none of which I’m concerned about. The impersonating a police officer was on google, an old newspaper article. I’m looking for red flag stuff like arrests and financial irresponsibility.


I have googled them, but that's about as far as I went.

I'm surprised something like a DUI or bankruptcy would come up on a google search?


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> I have googled them, but that's about as far as I went.
> 
> I'm surprised something like a DUI or bankruptcy would come up on a google search?


Bankruptcy will be in the federal court system and DUI is in local. For federal you have to apply for a PACER account before you can search. I know, I’m anal lol!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Bankruptcy will be in the federal court system and DUI is in local. For federal you have to apply for a PACER account before you can search. I know, I’m anal lol!


Yeah, I guess I'm not worried about these things enough to follow up like that. Though a few months ago I went on a couple of dates with a guy who had been recently incarcerated. He told me that himself and explained how it had all happened. I was of course unsure how I felt about him because of that. He told me however that he had dated quite a few women recently and many of them told him he should have lead with his jail story because it turned them on. :surprise:


----------



## Not

Oh and my boss has the background check subscription, he always keeps an eye out for me especially now after what happened with B. He always makes me tell him where I’m going with my dates lol!


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> Yeah, I guess I'm not worried about these things enough to follow up like that. Though a few months ago I went on a couple of dates with a guy who had been recently incarcerated. He told me that himself and explained how it had all happened. I was of course unsure how I felt about him because of that. He told me however that he had dated quite a few women recently and many of them told him he should have lead with his jail story because it turned them on. :surprise:


I do it because I’m paranoid. Seriously though, I believe some of us do grow out of our old mindsets and learn from our mistakes but others not so much. Example, if I decide to date someone who was sued for eviction in the recent past you bet your patooty I’m going to be watching him like a hawk for signs of financial dishonesty or irresponsiblity.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok date was good but he’s not going to be a boyfriend. There were some small things that were incompatible between us, not a big deal but enough that it would eventually lead us to a dead end. One of the things was that when I actually got in my car and drove the distance between us it was more than half an hour each way. I know maybe I’m just being an old lady about this, but I don’t want to drive a full hour there and back to have sex with a boyfriend. If I have a boyfriend I’m going to want sex several times a week and I just can do that much driving and be happy about it. He could come to my place too sometimes but that doesn’t really help that much, it’s just too far. When I mapped us out originally I thought it would be more like 15-20 minutes one way. But no, it was over 30 minutes and that was during the evening when there’s no traffic. Any little hiccup with traffic and it could take an hour to get out where he is.
> 
> But aside from that there were just some little things that we came up against that in the long run wouldn’t be good together.
> 
> We did make out for a long time on his bed, and he got naked and I got to see and touch that incredible penis (and it really was incredible). I kept my bra and pants on and we mashed and made out and that was fun. But that’s also where some incompatible things came up.
> 
> This morning I texted and said it was great but I think there’s some incompatible things and he said he agrees. He then said maybe we could be FWB and I said I would think about it, but I’m not actually going to consider that. If I have a FWB it will be Paul Hollywood because he lives 7 minutes from me and we had zero incompatible items that way.
> 
> So.....onward and upward!


Ok I went back and grabbed this post of mine for a little update on this guy. I'll call him TOO FAR!!

So Too Far texted me again after a few days and wanted to just hang out and be friends sometime, and he also asked if I wanted to go see a show last Saturday night he already had tickets for. I didn't feel like it (introversion) so I said I had plans with my mom, but that we could hang out some other time. He texted "ok well reach out and initiate something with me sometime".

And then after a few minutes he said "but you won't".

I should have took a clue right then and saw the rest of this coming!!!

After that it was back and forth a bit a few days later about finding something we could do together and hang out. I suggested ping pong (at the ping pong bar!! I love it, so much fun!!!) and he said he isn't crazy about ping pong but he would do it "for me". Um.....ok?? So we had a tentative date for ping pong on Saturday.

Then eventually he said "why didn't you consider me boyfriend material?"

Ugh. That's not what I had said, I said I thought we would end up at a dead end because of some incompatibilities. And besides, he said he agreed! But anyway, I went ahead and listed out the things I felt would be an issue. 1. the distance, and 2. and 3. were sexual things.

I said if I have a boyfriend I'm going to want to see them several times a week and I'm not willing to drive for several hours a week. And then explained 2 & 3.

So at first he said "fair enough". 

But then wouldn't drop it! Finally I said dude, you agreed with me that it would be a dead end. So what were your reasons? He said he agreed just to let me off the hook. Ugh, oh brother.

Eventually he said "sounds like I'm just not worth the hassle".

Ok at that point, I'm done. I am not here to be the source of your self esteem, dude. And *NO* you *AREN'T* worth the hassle of me driving 10 or more hours a week just to maintain a relationship, sorry buddy!!! No one would be worth that to me, I'm a lazy old lady and I put myself and my comfort first!!!! (I didn't say any of that to him...just in my head).

So I just stopped responding at all. Obviously this guy is way too butt hurt about me not being into him enough and is not going to be able to be my friend.

A few days went by and he texted "should we bother to do things together?"

I didn't respond, which he should interpret as my answer!!!

Then today he texts "are we still going to ping pong tomorrow? say yes".

At this point I'm just like wow dude, I dodged a much bigger bullet than I originally thought.

Blocked him and that was that.

Sheesh!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> I do it because I’m paranoid. Seriously though, I believe some of us do grow out of our old mindsets and learn from our mistakes but others not so much. Example, if I decide to date someone who was sued for eviction in the recent past you bet your patooty I’m going to be watching him like a hawk for signs of financial dishonesty or irresponsiblity.


Interesting. When I'm just dating someone, I am not paying attention to stuff like that. Because I don't plan to ever live with anyone or share finances, I'm just not really thinking about those things. I don't see how anyone could hurt me that way because I'll never be that close to someone.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> Interesting. When I'm just dating someone, I am not paying attention to stuff like that. Because I don't plan to ever live with anyone or share finances, I'm just not really thinking about those things. I don't see how anyone could hurt me that way because I'll never be that close to someone.


I look at those things because I don't want to date and then fall hard for someone who doesn't have their **** together. I am open to the idea of something permanent with the right person if the stars happen to align at some point but also I just don't want to spend time with someone who's irresponsible and makes poor life decisions. And I'm only looking for things that I myself offer. Financial stability, no criminal past, maker of good decisions currently.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> I look at those things because I don't want to date and then fall hard for someone who doesn't have their **** together. I am open to the idea of something permanent with the right person if the stars happen to align at some point but also I just don't want to spend time with someone who's irresponsible and makes poor life decisions. And I'm only looking for things that I myself offer. Financial stability, no criminal past, maker of good decisions currently.


I hear ya. I'm not in that same position. There's no "permanent" option with me.

Though I also haven't been scammed, so if I had been I'm sure I would look at things differently.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok I went back and grabbed this post of mine for a little update on this guy. I'll call him TOO FAR!!
> 
> So Too Far texted me again after a few days and wanted to just hang out and be friends sometime, and he also asked if I wanted to go see a show last Saturday night he already had tickets for. I didn't feel like it (introversion) so I said I had plans with my mom, but that we could hang out some other time. He texted "ok well reach out and initiate something with me sometime".
> 
> And then after a few minutes he said "but you won't".
> 
> I should have took a clue right then and saw the rest of this coming!!!
> 
> After that it was back and forth a bit a few days later about finding something we could do together and hang out. I suggested ping pong (at the ping pong bar!! I love it, so much fun!!!) and he said he isn't crazy about ping pong but he would do it "for me". Um.....ok?? So we had a tentative date for ping pong on Saturday.
> 
> Then eventually he said "why didn't you consider me boyfriend material?"
> 
> Ugh. That's not what I had said, I said I thought we would end up at a dead end because of some incompatibilities. And besides, he said he agreed! But anyway, I went ahead and listed out the things I felt would be an issue. 1. the distance, and 2. and 3. were sexual things.
> 
> I said if I have a boyfriend I'm going to want to see them several times a week and I'm not willing to drive for several hours a week. And then explained 2 & 3.
> 
> So at first he said "fair enough".
> 
> But then wouldn't drop it! Finally I said dude, you agreed with me that it would be a dead end. So what were your reasons? He said he agreed just to let me off the hook. Ugh, oh brother.
> 
> Eventually he said "sounds like I'm just not worth the hassle".
> 
> Ok at that point, I'm done. I am not here to be the source of your self esteem, dude. And *NO* you *AREN'T* worth the hassle of me driving 10 or more hours a week just to maintain a relationship, sorry buddy!!! No one would be worth that to me, I'm a lazy old lady and I put myself and my comfort first!!!! (I didn't say any of that to him...just in my head).
> 
> So I just stopped responding at all. Obviously this guy is way too butt hurt about me not being into him enough and is not going to be able to be my friend.
> 
> A few days went by and he texted "should we bother to do things together?"
> 
> I didn't respond, which he should interpret as my answer!!!
> 
> Then today he texts "are we still going to ping pong tomorrow? say yes".
> 
> At this point I'm just like wow dude, I dodged a much bigger bullet than I originally thought.
> 
> Blocked him and that was that.
> 
> Sheesh!




A good example of why ghosting was invented 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## minimalME

The man I went on a date with who was (is?) on our local pedophile registry came up through a google search. Photo and all.



Faithful Wife said:


> I have googled them, but that's about as far as I went.
> 
> I'm surprised something like a DUI or bankruptcy would come up on a google search?


----------



## Faithful Wife

minimalME said:


> The man I went on a date with who was (is?) on our local pedophile registry came up through a google search. Photo and all.
> 
> 
> 
> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have googled them, but that's about as far as I went.
> 
> I'm surprised something like a DUI or bankruptcy would come up on a google search?
Click to expand...

Yikes!


----------



## notmyjamie

My boyfriend encouraged me to do a google search on him, gave me his Facebook link, etc before we met in person so I'd feel more comfortable. You can't be too careful now a days.


----------



## Numb26

notmyjamie said:


> My boyfriend encouraged me to do a google search on him, gave me his Facebook link, etc before we met in person so I'd feel more comfortable. You can't be too careful now a days.


If someone searched me, they would probably fall asleep from boredom. I have no social media, no delinquent accounts and just 2 tickets in my life. LOL


----------



## notmyjamie

Numb26 said:


> If someone searched me, they would probably fall asleep from boredom. I have no social media, no delinquent accounts and just 2 tickets in my life. LOL



LOL...his was very boring except he holds a patent for an invention so that was pretty cool. Outside of that he's got a boring social media footprint. 

Come to think of it, mine is pretty boring as well. No arrests, no tickets, no bankruptcies, nothing. Just how I like it. I did win a huge contest by Pepsi once when I was a kid...that might come up in the old archives if you use my maiden name.


----------



## Blondilocks

FeministInPink said:


> To be frank, this is the Singles thread, in the Life After Divorce subforum. It's not really the place for Dude (or anyone else) to be talking about his divorce or the problems in his marriage--these should be discussed in his own thread. He, and all newly single/divorced TAMers are welcome here, *but we are here to talk about the trials, tribulations, joys, and wins of the single life.
> *
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


To be frank, this is confusing. There are several posters on this thread who are posting about their divorces which are ongoing. 

I get that the pain involved in Dude's situation is hard to bear. I get that hearing about dates and ****s is much more fun. I guess what I don't get is the lack of compassion. We'll try to keep anything that will take away from the joie de vivre off of the thread.

Carry on. Sorry to have interrupted your pre-programmed thread.


----------



## Not

minimalME said:


> The man I went on a date with who was (is?) on our local pedophile registry came up through a google search. Photo and all.


Oh geez! I never thought to check the pedophile registry.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I finished in the top three of a large hold 'em tournament down in Harrah's in AC like 15 years ago. I googled my name recently, and the results were still posted on like page 3. Glad it was before marriage and therefore is not a marital asset, lol.


----------



## attheend02

The discussion of background check got me interested. 

I'm meeting a woman from match tomorrow and she asked me my last name. I assume she is going to do a background check.

I found a site called Truthfinder.com - unfortunately they charge a monthly fee, but you can do unlimited searches (I think) for the monthly fee. 
I actually signed up to check my own report to see if a bankruptcy 10 years ago showed up.

She gave me her last name so I decided to some research on her. 

She is not a Pedophile!!!!

lots of traffic infractions over the years, though, which says to me that she doesn't have much respect for the law... sounds perfect


----------



## attheend02

Don't go through the process if you don't want a recurring fee that you have to cancel!


----------



## minimalME

I didn't. I just googled him, and that's what came up. 



Not said:


> Oh geez! I never thought to check the pedophile registry.


----------



## Not

minimalME said:


> I didn't. I just googled him, and that's what came up.


I actually check the pedophile registry at work for work related reasons, I work with kids. I’ll be using this tool now as well. That is just scary because I still have a kid at home.


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> Don't go through the process if you don't want a recurring fee that you have to cancel!


Yes, mylife is the same with a recurring fee.


----------



## notmyjamie

Just did a pedophile search on my boyfriend...he's in the clear!!! Phew!!! LOL

Of course, my brother is a police lieutenant and if I had something to worry about, I'd know by now. I'm sure he's already searched his records.


----------



## Not

The guy I’m currently talking to let slip who his last girlfriend was, I researched her lol! She’s an assistant principle at a local school, I had to see what his taste in women is but what I found was soooo surprising lol! She’s being reported online as a cheater lol! She’s pretty and successful but apparently enjoys chasing married men.


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> The guy I’m currently talking to let slip who his last girlfriend was, I researched her lol! She’s an assistant principle at a local school, I had to see what his taste in women is but what I found was soooo surprising lol! She’s being reported online as a cheater lol! She’s pretty and successful but apparently enjoys chasing married men.


Careful... Its easy to get "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" crazy s##t going....


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> The guy I’m currently talking to let slip who his last girlfriend was, I researched her lol! She’s an assistant principle at a local school, I had to see what his taste in women is but what I found was soooo surprising lol! She’s being reported online as a cheater lol! She’s pretty and successful but apparently enjoys chasing married men.


I stalked Hollywood's FB page when we first met. There wasn't much on there, but when I scrolled down a couple of years I saw a couple old pics of him and his last girlfriend. That was interesting to see her. I don't know anything else about her though. Other than stories he has told me.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> I stalked Hollywood's FB page when we first met. There wasn't much on there, but when I scrolled down a couple of years I saw a couple old pics of him and his last girlfriend. That was interesting to see her. I don't know anything else about her though. Other than stories he has told me.


I’m supposed to go out with this guy this weekend and will bring her up. She’s the only person he’s dated seriously since his divorce three years ago. I would never mention what I found but I’d like to know why they broke up. Outside of that I don’t care to know about her really, I mostly just wanted to see what she looks like. The cheater stuff was the first result that showed on google, she really pissed somebody off.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> I’m supposed to go out with this guy this weekend and will bring her up. She’s the only person he’s dated seriously since his divorce three years ago. I would never mention what I found but I’d like to know why they broke up. Outside of that I don’t care to know about her really, *I mostly just wanted to see what she looks like*. The cheater stuff was the first result that showed on google, she really pissed somebody off.


Ha ha! We always want to see what the ex or exes looked like. 0

I wonder if guys do that?

There's no men on my FB other than my son and brother so....no way to see any of my exes. :grin2:


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> I stalked Hollywood's FB page when we first met. There wasn't much on there, but when I scrolled down a couple of years I saw a couple old pics of him and his last girlfriend. That was interesting to see her. I don't know anything else about her though. Other than stories he has told me.


Also, it was a Facebook page that had me cancellling a date with another guy. I always state on my dating profiles that I’m not religious and after friending me on FB I saw that he was super ultra religious. I messaged him right away to point out the obvious disconnect between us and suggested he find someone with beliefs closer to his own, he didn’t like that. He unfriended me and blocked me on POF.


----------



## Zulnex

I just don't get it... 
Currently reading some books about dating and it seems that nice guys always finish last (according to the authors). Since I definitely fall into that category, now I am quite confused. So basically in order to be successful with women, I need to become a tough alpha male... I gotta say, this whole dating thing is scary.
I've never dated before by the way so I am reading all these different books in order to see what dating and relationships are like.


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> Ha ha! We always want to see what the ex or exes looked like. 0
> 
> I wonder if guys do that?


I don't want to see... I don't want to reference myself to exes....


----------



## Faithful Wife

Zulnex said:


> I just don't get it...
> Currently reading some books about dating and it seems that nice guys always finish last (according to the authors). Since I definitely fall into that category, now I am quite confused. So basically in order to be successful with women, I need to become a tough alpha male... I gotta say, this whole dating thing is scary.
> I've never dated before by the way so I am reading all these different books in order to see what dating and relationships are like.


Whatever the one that says you have to be an alpha bro-dude is, toss it in the trash.


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> I don't want to see... I don't want to reference myself to exes....


It must be a chick thing because all my girlfriends always have to know what a new guy's previous wives or girlfriends look like.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Not said:


> Also, it was a Facebook page that had me cancellling a date with another guy. I always state on my dating profiles that I’m not religious and after friending me on FB I saw that he was super ultra religious. I messaged him right away to point out the obvious disconnect between us and suggested he find someone with beliefs closer to his own, he didn’t like that. He unfriended me and blocked me on POF.




Extremely typical.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

Zulnex said:


> I just don't get it...
> Currently reading some books about dating and it seems that nice guys always finish last (according to the authors). Since I definitely fall into that category, now I am quite confused. So basically in order to be successful with women, I need to become a tough alpha male... I gotta say, this whole dating thing is scary.
> I've never dated before by the way so I am reading all these different books in order to see what dating and relationships are like.


You need to quit reading books and just get out there. Experience is the best teacher


----------



## Not

Elizabeth001 said:


> Extremely typical.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I thought so too. There was no mention of a middle ground or being open to anything else. Just a door slamming shut.


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> I don't want to see... I don't want to reference myself to exes....


You’ll most likely see regardless when dating, especially when kids are involved so you may as well take a peek. :grin2:


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> Whatever the one that says you have to be an alpha bro-dude is, toss it in the trash.


You might have to work on some Alpha, though 

Unless you are the rare ultra-handsome beta, you will need to work a little harder


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> It must be a chick thing because all my girlfriends always have to know what a new guy's previous wives or girlfriends look like.


When I started dating B his ex would drop the kids off at his place on his days but she’d stay in the car while the kids got out and ran into the house. After she found out he was dating someone seriously she started coming inside to see the boys in but only on the days my car was there lol! B thought it was hilarious.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Blondilocks said:


> To be frank, this is confusing. There are several posters on this thread who are posting about their divorces which are ongoing.
> 
> 
> 
> I get that the pain involved in Dude's situation is hard to bear. I get that hearing about dates and ****s is much more fun. I guess what I don't get is the lack of compassion. We'll try to keep anything that will take away from the joie de vivre off of the thread.
> 
> 
> 
> Carry on. Sorry to have interrupted your pre-programmed thread.




This particular group of postings is not singular. I have followed the singles thread for 3+ years now. There have been many threads that made me want to say TITAT. If the replies to a specific subject hit 10-20 replies, be polite and TITAT. This is not a negative request. If a topic is that important, it is worthy of its own discussion and debate, no?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> You might have to work on some Alpha, though
> 
> Unless you are the rare ultra-handsome beta, you will need to work a little harder


Only if you are trying to date some kind of self entitled beauty queen who can't see or like people for who they really are.

Real women are just like real men. Some of us want a nice sweet beta just like some men want a nice sweet woman.

If you're a guy and you want a bad girl, then sure, you're gonna have to pull off being a bad boy.

But to tell ALL guys they must be alpha dude-bro's is just plain bad and wrong advice.


----------



## Numb26

Not said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> It must be a chick thing because all my girlfriends always have to know what a new guy's previous wives or girlfriends look like.
> 
> 
> 
> When I started dating B his ex would drop the kids off at his place on his days but she’d stay in the car while the kids got out and ran into the house. After she found out he was dating someone seriously she started coming inside to see the boys in but only on the days my car was there lol! B thought it was hilarious.
Click to expand...

Thankfully, when I start dating, I won't have to worry about any of that. LOL


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> You’ll most likely see regardless when dating, especially when kids are involved so you may as well take a peek. :grin2:


agreed ... been there... didn't enjoy it, though


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Thankfully, when I start dating, I won't have to worry about any of that. LOL


Because she's on a State vacay? Is that what you mean?

Don't be silly! Your new girlfriends will find pics of your ex somehow!! :grin2:


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thankfully, when I start dating, I won't have to worry about any of that. LOL
> 
> 
> 
> Because she's on a State vacay? Is that what you mean?
> 
> Don't be silly! Your new girlfriends will find pics of your ex somehow!! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>
Click to expand...

Maybe hanging in the Post Office! Haha


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Maybe hanging in the Post Office! Haha


Lol! Never under estimate how sneaky we will be to find what we are looking for. >


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe hanging in the Post Office! Haha
> 
> 
> 
> Lol! Never under estimate how sneaky we will be to find what we are looking for. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_devil.png" border="0" alt="" title="Devil" ></a>
Click to expand...

Oh, I know. And when it happens I dont know if it will be a good thing or not.


----------



## Not

Numb26 said:


> Maybe hanging in the Post Office! Haha



For real? Is she really serving time?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Oh, I know. And when it happens I dont know if it will be a good thing or not.


Meh, it's never really good or bad. It's just a thing we want to know. Once we know, we file it away.


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> Only if you are trying to date some kind of self entitled beauty queen who can't see or like people for who they really are.
> 
> Real women are just like real men. Some of us want a nice sweet beta just like some men want a nice sweet woman.
> 
> If you're a guy and you want a bad girl, then sure, you're gonna have to pull off being a bad boy.
> 
> But to tell ALL guys they must be alpha dude-bro's is just plain bad and wrong advice.


I'm not pro-red pill...

I think introverts have it a lot harder than extroverts.... I think that is somewhat the essence of Alpha vs. Beta.

My def. of extrovert (Alpha) is someone who gains energy and confidence from social interaction.
introvert (beta) finds those interactions draining. 

To me there is a spectrum of personalities between the two.

The further to the extrovert side, the easier it is to attract other people into your social sphere.

Introverts on the other hand have difficulty in drawing other people in. 


So in my view developing Alpha skills is good for us introverts looking for a date. :sleeping:


----------



## Numb26

Not said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe hanging in the Post Office! Haha
> 
> 
> 
> 
> For real? Is she really serving time?
Click to expand...

Yes. She messed up. You should read my back story


----------



## Not

Numb26 said:


> Yes. She messed up. You should read my back story


Yes I should!


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, I know. And when it happens I dont know if it will be a good thing or not.
> 
> 
> 
> Meh, it's never really good or bad. It's just a thing we want to know. Once we know, we file it away.
Click to expand...

Maybe you are right but I have seen that some women feel they have to compete with exes, even if its only in their mind.


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> Introverts on the other hand have difficulty in drawing other people in.


This is why OLD is good for some people, but especially for some introverts. You can practice a lot of communication without a lot of going out and trying to attract people in person. You can practice your skills, what to say, what works and what doesn't. It also helps you just break the ice at first, a lot of post divorce daters just have a hard time making that initial break through.

I don't think it takes alpha, it just takes some courage and experience. You get both of those by actually doing it.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Maybe you are right but I have seen that some women feel they have to compete with exes, even if its only in their mind.


Yeah, but we get over it.

If a woman never gets over something like that or makes too big of a deal of it, that in itself is a huge red flag.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe you are right but I have seen that some women feel they have to compete with exes, even if its only in their mind.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah, but we get over it.
> 
> If a woman never gets over something like that or makes too big of a deal of it, that in itself is a huge red flag.
Click to expand...

Shouldn't be hard to get over it in my case. Other then looks everything else was lacking


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> This is why OLD is good for some people, but especially for some introverts. You can practice a lot of communication without a lot of going out and trying to attract people in person. You can practice your skills, what to say, what works and what doesn't. It also helps you just break the ice at first, a lot of post divorce daters just have a hard time making that initial break through.
> 
> I don't think it takes alpha, it just takes some courage and experience. You get both of those by actually doing it.


I was going to say that also!!! (OLD good for introverts).

I can start conversations with woman - if they don't answer, I move on...if they answer, I talk to them...


----------



## FeministInPink

Blondilocks said:


> To be frank, this is confusing. There are several posters on this thread who are posting about their divorces which are ongoing.
> 
> 
> 
> I get that the pain involved in Dude's situation is hard to bear. I get that hearing about dates and ****s is much more fun. I guess what I don't get is the lack of compassion. We'll try to keep anything that will take away from the joie de vivre off of the thread.
> 
> 
> 
> Carry on. Sorry to have interrupted your pre-programmed thread.


Anyone is welcome on this thread, and everyone is welcome to their opinion.

Also, anyone is welcome to make an occasional reference or mention to their divorce, but ongoing conversation and multiple posts about their divorce proceedings is a thread jack. There is an entire sub forum dedicated to this topic.

There are a lot of people who have just gotten through their own divorce and they are trying to start over and learn how to be Single again, and they need support as they do that, and that's what this thread is for. That's what this thread has been for for the last 6+ years. The levity helps them. Reading through numerous posts on someone else's difficult divorce doesn't, it probably makes it a helluva lot harder for them. The whole freaking point of the Singles thread is to be light-hearted to show new Singles that things get better and they will be happy again.

I'm sorry that you don't get that or appreciate how important that is for people who are on this thread. It helps them feel normal, now that their life has changed so drastically.

I am not lacking in empathy for Dude's situation, but he needs a focused topic thread for his divorce, and not to use the Singles thread as his personal topic thread. That's all I'm saying. And some of his posts were appropriate for the topic matter here (like when he talked about stocking his new place), but... most of them weren't. Because he's not really Single yet and he needs more than what the Single thread can offer, and I will offer him all the moral support and advice that he needs, on his own thread.

See, I also have empathy for the people who are new to the Singles thread. They have just been through one of the most traumatic life experiences once can endure in life. They need to focus their energy on themselves and building themselves up and starting over. They might not have the emotional energy to support someone who is going through a divorce right not, and I don't think they should be expected to. Reading through posts like those posted by Dude might be triggering for them... they deserve a place where they don't have to read about all that stuff. Where they can see the joke de vivre of people who have successfully made it through to the other side, where we can joke about penises and shamelessly flirt with one another.

Because THAT is what this thread is about. It's about finding happiness again after divorce, about figuring out who you are, and really going after what you want. I'm sorry you find that so offensive, and remember--everyone is welcome, but we also don't keep anyone against their will, either.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Zulnex said:


> I just don't get it...
> Currently reading some books about dating and it seems that nice guys always finish last (according to the authors). Since I definitely fall into that category, now I am quite confused. So basically in order to be successful with women, I need to become a tough alpha male... I gotta say, this whole dating thing is scary.
> I've never dated before by the way so I am reading all these different books in order to see what dating and relationships are like.


Zulnex, I go out of my way to not date *******s, but some of them cake fake so well. I don't want a nice guy either, most are passive aggressive and spineless and I don't have patience for that crap. The best guys are the normal, decent ones. They might seem boring to some women, but I'm not particularly exciting or spontaneous either, so that suits me just right. It's so hard to find a Goldilocks man. *sighs*


----------



## PieceOfSky

.


----------



## PieceOfSky

Not said:


> It's funny because I didn't research B and I really should have, I wouldn't have been happy with what I found. DUI's, criminal trespass and others who had sued him in small claims.


Criminal trespass sounds potentially stalker-ish. I would want to know the details.


----------



## Livvie

I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!


----------



## Andy1001

Livvie said:


> I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!


Eye can’t see any problems here. 
Just don’t go making a spectacle of yourself. >


----------



## Faithful Wife

Livvie said:


> I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!


Has he flirted with you in the past or shown interest?

Do you know for sure that he is single?

Gotta say, that would be a pretty bold move to ask him out. But if he likes you and is single he will probably be delighted.

I can’t imagine doing that myself. I would just assume that if he was single and interested in me he would be the one to make a move. I would not risk the rejection, it would be too embarrassing for him to turn me down and then I’d have to find a new doctor too. 

Not trying to scare you off! Just sharing my thoughts. Good luck!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!


I love it! I wish more women would be this assertive!! Good luck!


----------



## Not

Livvie said:


> I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!


Take the chance! He must be hitting all the right buttons for you. I don’t know how you are but it would take a guy being one hell of a man to get me to ever consider being the initiator. He must be that for you!


----------



## Not

PieceOfSky said:


> Criminal trespass sounds potentially stalker-ish. I would want to know the details.


Agree and that’s why I’m doing the digging on these guys.


----------



## Livvie

Faithful Wife said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!
> 
> 
> 
> Has he flirted with you in the past or shown interest?
> 
> Do you know for sure that he is single?
> 
> Gotta say, that would be a pretty bold move to ask him out. But if he likes you and is single he will probably be delighted.
> 
> I can’t imagine doing that myself. I would just assume that if he was single and interested in me he would be the one to make a move. I would not risk the rejection, it would be too embarrassing for him to turn me down and then I’d have to find a new doctor too.
> 
> Not trying to scare you off! Just sharing my thoughts. Good luck!
Click to expand...

Well shoot...

Those are good points. 

He's been above and beyond nice to me, even personally escorting me down the stairs to a special eye screening room.

I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I know HE wouldn't ask out a patient so I'd absolutely have to do it. He never would. 

I know he's divorced and has a son around my son's age.

I'm thinking I won't do it now!

I don't know!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Livvie said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!
> 
> 
> 
> Has he flirted with you in the past or shown interest?
> 
> Do you know for sure that he is single?
> 
> Gotta say, that would be a pretty bold move to ask him out. But if he likes you and is single he will probably be delighted.
> 
> I can’t imagine doing that myself. I would just assume that if he was single and interested in me he would be the one to make a move. I would not risk the rejection, it would be too embarrassing for him to turn me down and then I’d have to find a new doctor too.
> 
> Not trying to scare you off! Just sharing my thoughts. Good luck!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Well shoot...
> 
> Those are good points.
> 
> He's been above and beyond nice to me, even personally escorting me down the stairs to a special eye screening room.
> 
> I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I know HE wouldn't ask out a patient so I'd absolutely have to do it. He never would.
> 
> I know he's divorced and has a son around my son's age.
> 
> I'm thinking I won't do it now!
> 
> I don't know!
Click to expand...

No don’t give up!! Just think it through a little and figure out a way to do it where you can back track if he’s not into it. 

You know he is divorced but you don’t know if he is seeing someone. Maybe find a way to make conversation and ask about that. Then if he’s not seeing anyone and is interested, he might actually ask you out right there. But if he talks about a girlfriend then you can just slide the convo another way so you don’t have to be rejected.

Or if you feel you know and can trust anyone who works in the front office, maybe ask one of them if Dr. Cutie is seeing someone. That’s a bit risky too because they will likely tell him later that you asked. But it might pay off too. 

Have you looked for him on Facebook to see if there are any personal pics like ones that seem to be a girlfriend?


----------



## Livvie

Ooh Facebook, that's a great idea. I'm super odd in that I'm not on Facebook, but I'll ask one of my friends to check it out for me!

I'll report what happens after the appointment next week!


----------



## As'laDain

im never really sure how to answer that question when people ask... "are you single?" or any of the variations of it...

nope, im not single. yes, i still date, i just dont really go looking... the last few girlfriends i have had were not met through dating sites. i met them through mutual interests, hobbies, etc. 

my wife actually has a harder time meeting people than i have had, but she has been using dating apps and such.


----------



## notmyjamie

Numb26 said:


> Shouldn't be hard to get over it in my case. Other then looks everything else was lacking


I always say my boyfriend has it made...no reason at all to be jealous of a gay exH. :grin2:


----------



## Cynthia

Livvie said:


> I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!


According to the AMA (American Medical Association) Code of Medical Ethics Opinion 9.1.1, "Romantic or sexual interactions between physicians and patients that occur concurrently with the patient physician relationship are unethical. Such interactions detract from the goals of the patient-physician relationship and may exploit the vulnerability of the patient, compromise the physician’s ability to make objective judgments about the patient’s health care, and ultimately be detrimental to the patient’s well-being.

A physician must terminate the patient-physician relationship before initiating a dating, romantic, or sexual relationship with a patient."
https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/ethics/romantic-or-sexual-relationships-patients

If you ask him out, he may terminate the patient-physician relationship due to fear of ethics concerns.


----------



## Livvie

Cynthia said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm going to ask out my eye doctor next week at my appointment if I get up enough nerve to! I'm already sweating thinking about it. Any thoughts for me before I do it? I've been contemplating this for a couple of years!
> 
> 
> 
> According to the AMA (American Medical Association) Code of Medical Ethics Opinion 9.1.1, "Romantic or sexual interactions between physicians and patients that occur concurrently with the patient physician relationship are unethical. Such interactions detract from the goals of the patient-physician relationship and may exploit the vulnerability of the patient, compromise the physician’s ability to make objective judgments about the patient’s health care, and ultimately be detrimental to the patient’s well-being.
> 
> A physician must terminate the patient-physician relationship before initiating a dating, romantic, or sexual relationship with a patient."
> https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/ethics/romantic-or-sexual-relationships-patients
> 
> If you ask him out, he may terminate the patient-physician relationship due to fear of ethics concerns.
Click to expand...

Oh wow thanks for this! It's kind of looking like I'm not going to ask him out🙁


----------



## Faithful Wife

Livvie said:


> Oh wow thanks for this! It's kind of looking like I'm not going to ask him out🙁


Well if there’s a real spark between you, would it be worth it to find another eye doctor?


----------



## Livvie

Faithful Wife said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> Oh wow thanks for this! It's kind of looking like I'm not going to ask him out🙁
> 
> 
> 
> Well if there’s a real spark between you, would it be worth it to find another eye doctor?
Click to expand...

Yes. Maybe I'll stop thinking about it, and just wait and see what things feel like when I see him 🙂


----------



## PieceOfSky

Cynthia said:


> According to the AMA (American Medical Association) Code of Medical Ethics Opinion 9.1.1, "Romantic or sexual interactions between physicians and patients that occur concurrently with the patient physician relationship are unethical. Such interactions detract from the goals of the patient-physician relationship and may exploit the vulnerability of the patient, compromise the physician’s ability to make objective judgments about the patient’s health care, and ultimately be detrimental to the patient’s well-being.
> 
> A physician must terminate the patient-physician relationship before initiating a dating, romantic, or sexual relationship with a patient."
> https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/ethics/romantic-or-sexual-relationships-patients
> 
> If you ask him out, he may terminate the patient-physician relationship due to fear of ethics concerns.


I usually take “eye doctor” to mean optometrist as in OD not MD or DO. The latter two I associate with AMA, but OD I do not. Not an expert. Just sayin’.

Anyways, according to “standards of Professional Conduct” at the AOA here https://www.aoa.org/about-the-aoa/ethics-and-values

“ Relationships with Patients: Optometrists should avoid intimate relationships with
patients as such relationships could compromise professional judgment or exploit the confidence and trust placed in the optometrist by the patient. If such a relationship does inadvertently develop, the professional care of this patient should be transferred to another optometrist.”

Sounds similar, but maybe a bit gentler towards something getting started or not.

For all I know, “A” might not even be the relevant geography. 

In any case, good luck and good choices. Life is very short. To be held back by fear of an awkward moment can be such a waste.


----------



## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> Ooh Facebook, that's a great idea. I'm super odd in that I'm not on Facebook, but I'll ask one of my friends to check it out for me!
> 
> I'll report what happens after the appointment next week!


Talk about going tits to the pits girl! ^5😉
To think you were dubious about OLD at the start of this thread.

I'm dying to hear what's up with cutie, do keep us posted! I'm so excited for you! 💃


----------



## Livvie

TXTrini said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ooh Facebook, that's a great idea. I'm super odd in that I'm not on Facebook, but I'll ask one of my friends to check it out for me!
> 
> I'll report what happens after the appointment next week!
> 
> 
> 
> Talk about going tits to the pits girl! ^5😉
> To think you were dubious about OLD at the start of this thread.
> 
> I'm dying to hear what's up with cutie, do keep us posted! I'm so excited for you! 💃
Click to expand...

Thanks, and I sure will keep you posted!

Still haven't pulled the trigger on online dating!


----------



## Livvie

PieceOfSky said:


> Cynthia said:
> 
> 
> 
> According to the AMA (American Medical Association) Code of Medical Ethics Opinion 9.1.1, "Romantic or sexual interactions between physicians and patients that occur concurrently with the patient physician relationship are unethical. Such interactions detract from the goals of the patient-physician relationship and may exploit the vulnerability of the patient, compromise the physician’s ability to make objective judgments about the patient’s health care, and ultimately be detrimental to the patient’s well-being.
> 
> A physician must terminate the patient-physician relationship before initiating a dating, romantic, or sexual relationship with a patient."
> https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/ethics/romantic-or-sexual-relationships-patients
> 
> If you ask him out, he may terminate the patient-physician relationship due to fear of ethics concerns.
> 
> 
> 
> I usually take “eye doctor” to mean optometrist as in OD not MD or DO. The latter two I associate with AMA, but OD I do not. Not an expert. Just sayin’.
> 
> Anyways, according to “standards of Professional Conduct” at the AOA here https://www.aoa.org/about-the-aoa/ethics-and-values
> 
> “ Relationships with Patients: Optometrists should avoid intimate relationships with
> patients as such relationships could compromise professional judgment or exploit the confidence and trust placed in the optometrist by the patient. If such a relationship does inadvertently develop, the professional care of this patient should be transferred to another optometrist.”
> 
> Sounds similar, but maybe a bit gentler towards something getting started or not.
> 
> For all I know, “A” might not even be the relevant geography.
> 
> In any case, good luck and good choices. Life is very short. To be held back by fear of an awkward moment can be such a waste.
Click to expand...

Thank you! Yes, he is in OD. Optometrist. I like the language-- if a relationship *inadvertently* develops 🙂


----------



## attheend02

I had a date last night with a woman that has lived in the same small town since childhood.

She took me to a couple of bars in the town and we twice encountered a person that she had a lawsuit against in the past (some construction dispute).

As we were walking out of the last bar, she asked me if I could "take" him....

To me, THAT is a red flag.


----------



## Lila

attheend02 said:


> I had a date last night with a woman that has lived in the same small town since childhood.
> 
> She took me to a couple of bars in the town and we twice encountered a person that she had a lawsuit against in the past (some construction dispute).
> 
> As we were walking out of the last bar, she asked me if I could "take" him....
> 
> To me, THAT is a red flag.


Was she joking when she said that or was she serious?


----------



## RebuildingMe

attheend02 said:


> I had a date last night with a woman that has lived in the same small town since childhood.
> 
> She took me to a couple of bars in the town and we twice encountered a person that she had a lawsuit against in the past (some construction dispute).
> 
> As we were walking out of the last bar, she asked me if I could "take" him....
> 
> To me, THAT is a red flag.


“Take” him? As if to fight him? What is she, 16 years old? Oh yes, huge red flag. My guess is that she is going to die in that same small town.


----------



## notmyjamie

attheend02 said:


> I had a date last night with a woman that has lived in the same small town since childhood.
> 
> She took me to a couple of bars in the town and we twice encountered a person that she had a lawsuit against in the past (some construction dispute).
> 
> As we were walking out of the last bar, she asked me if I could "take" him....
> 
> To me, THAT is a red flag.



If that was a serious question I’d take a pass on another date. Yikes!!!


----------



## attheend02

Lila said:


> Was she joking when she said that or was she serious?


Hard to tell...

Either way, it made me uncomfortable. I told her I don't look at people from that perspective.


----------



## Not

Well my date didn’t materialize this weekend. He contacted me everyday last week on Bumble with a good morning and a how’s your day going every afternoon and asked me to go to coffee with him Friday night. I haven’t heard a peep from him since Friday morning. My guess is cold feet. I deleted his only way to contact me last night. Whatever his hang up is I have no interest in it. 

Onward and upward.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Well my date didn’t materialize this weekend. He contacted me everyday last week on Bumble with a good morning and a how’s your day going every afternoon and asked me to go to coffee with him Friday night. I haven’t heard a peep from him since Friday morning. My guess is cold feet. I deleted his only way to contact me last night. Whatever his hang up is I have no interest in it.
> 
> Onward and upward.


I’ve had a couple of those! They are like, ghost before you meet dudes. Pre ghosters. 

I always figure it’s either that they are talking to someone else and that was a better fit, or they have some heavy crap going on and just freak out. Or maybe that they are an introvert like me and just couldn’t do it and bail at the last minute sometimes! Lol

I bail like that sometimes too. Its always one of the above reasons. Or once in awhile it will be for something like - the guy said something one of my exes used to say and it will freak me out like deja vu. Suddenly I want to stop talking to them for no fault of their own. But I can’t ignore my gut when I feel that way.

Onward and upward!


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> I’ve had a couple of those! They are like, ghost before you meet dudes. Pre ghosters.
> 
> I always figure it’s either that they are talking to someone else and that was a better fit, or they have some heavy crap going on and just freak out. Or maybe that they are an introvert like me and just couldn’t do it and bail at the last minute sometimes! Lol
> 
> I bail like that sometimes too. Its always one of the above reasons. Or once in awhile it will be for something like - the guy said something one of my exes used to say and it will freak me out like deja vu. Suddenly I want to stop talking to them for no fault of their own. But I can’t ignore my gut when I feel that way.
> 
> Onward and upward!



I haven’t bailed yet but I haven’t had anyone freak me out yet either. 

He would have been my first fireman lol! Sort of like a notch on my dating belt lol! Being that he works in a dangerous field I never would have guessed that he’d chicken out and at least explain. Oh well, I guess even big tough guys can get wimpy with some things. It can’t be easy to let someone know your going to bail.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I’ve had a couple of those! They are like, ghost before you meet dudes. Pre ghosters.
> 
> I always figure it’s either that they are talking to someone else and that was a better fit, or they have some heavy crap going on and just freak out. Or maybe that they are an introvert like me and just couldn’t do it and bail at the last minute sometimes! Lol
> 
> I bail like that sometimes too. Its always one of the above reasons. Or once in awhile it will be for something like - the guy said something one of my exes used to say and it will freak me out like deja vu. Suddenly I want to stop talking to them for no fault of their own. But I can’t ignore my gut when I feel that way.
> 
> Onward and upward!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I haven’t bailed yet but I haven’t had anyone freak me out yet either.
> 
> He would have been my first fireman lol! Sort of like a notch on my dating belt lol! Being that he works in a dangerous field I never would have guessed that he’d chicken out and at least explain. Oh well, I guess even big tough guys can get wimpy with some things. It can’t be easy to let someone know your going to bail.
Click to expand...

Right. Every time I’ve bailed it was about me and nothing the other person could have done. 

Hey - I dated one fireman! Never had sex with him but made out a few times. It was fun. Off my bucket list but nothing to write home about. Just a cute, in shape, slightly dangerous dude in a uniform.

I’ve found you can just find any great lookin guy and put them in some authentic sexy man wear (chaps, fireman gear, tool belts) and it’s the same. Firemen are not anymore than fantasy wear to me now. 

Shoot for any guy who would be hot enough to pull it off that’s my new motto! Lol


----------



## FeministInPink

Not said:


> Well my date didn’t materialize this weekend. He contacted me everyday last week on Bumble with a good morning and a how’s your day going every afternoon and asked me to go to coffee with him Friday night. I haven’t heard a peep from him since Friday morning. My guess is cold feet. I deleted his only way to contact me last night. Whatever his hang up is I have no interest in it.
> 
> 
> 
> Onward and upward.


That happened to me earlier this week. Matched with a guy on Happn who seemed pretty compatible, and he asked to get together pretty quickly, and then the day of (Wednesday) he messaged me around noon to find out when I would be done with work (I responded right away), and then crickets.

Whatever. I'm not sweating it. A guy who would pull that **** isn't good enough for me anyway.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## minimalME

For the record, to make plans with someone, but then not communicate (text, email, phone) that you're not showing up, is dehumanizing and really, really cowardly.

This is not a healthy behavior, and a person who 'ghosts' lacks character. 

There's no integrity or respect.

It's 100% selfish - doing what's easy and convenient for you.


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> Right. Every time I’ve bailed it was about me and nothing the other person could have done.
> 
> Hey - I dated one fireman! Never had sex with him but made out a few times. It was fun. Off my bucket list but nothing to write home about. Just a cute, in shape, slightly dangerous dude in a uniform.
> 
> I’ve found you can just find any great lookin guy and put them in some authentic sexy man wear (chaps, fireman gear, tool belts) and it’s the same. Firemen are not anymore than fantasy wear to me now.
> 
> Shoot for any guy who would be hot enough to pull it off that’s my new motto! Lol


I dated a fireman once. He was gorgeous and amazing in bed, but sadly he wasn't terribly bright. We simply weren't on the same intellectual bandwidth.

I was really upset when it ended, because the sex was SO good, but ultimately it wasn't a good match, and I was able to recognize it later.

ETA: Oh, and the fireman ghosted me. After we had been dating for two months, and after he introduced me to his family.


----------



## FeministInPink

minimalME said:


> For the record, to make plans with someone, but then not communicate (text, email, phone) that you're not showing up, is dehumanizing and really, really cowardly.
> 
> 
> 
> This is not a healthy behavior, and a person who 'ghosts' lacks character.
> 
> 
> 
> There's no integrity or respect.
> 
> 
> 
> It's 100% selfish - doing what's easy and convenient for you.


QFT. You hit the nail on the head.

A lot of people are like, "What's the big deal? It's not like you have a relationship with this person."

But to me, that's kind of the point. You might not know me, but I'm a real person with feelings and deserving of respect, and ghosting says, "You're not even worth basic courtesy."

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

FeministInPink said:


> That happened to me earlier this week. Matched with a guy on Happn who seemed pretty compatible, and he asked to get together pretty quickly, and then the day of (Wednesday) he messaged me around noon to find out when I would be done with work (I responded right away), and then crickets.
> 
> Whatever. I'm not sweating it. *A guy who would pull that **** isn't good enough for me anyway.*
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


That’s exactly how I see it. I’m looking for someone with a little more class. And if he did this because he has issues he’s dealing with, then I dodged a bullet.


----------



## Not

minimalME said:


> For the record, to make plans with someone, but then not communicate (text, email, phone) that you're not showing up, is dehumanizing and really, really cowardly.
> 
> This is not a healthy behavior, and a person who 'ghosts' lacks character.
> 
> There's no integrity or respect.
> 
> It's 100% selfish - doing what's easy and convenient for you.


Fully agree. It’s what I dislike about the online dating culture. It seems to be the nature of the beast and it’s pathetic to see that so many people willingly participate in this behavior and use the excuse of “that’s how online dating is” as an excuse. Nothing is stopping these people from dating with respect and integrity. Absolutely nothing.

It’s a bizarre world to step into.


----------



## Faithful Wife

minimalME said:


> For the record, to make plans with someone, but then not communicate (text, email, phone) that you're not showing up, is dehumanizing and really, really cowardly.
> 
> This is not a healthy behavior, and a person who 'ghosts' lacks character.
> 
> There's no integrity or respect.
> 
> It's 100% selfish - doing what's easy and convenient for you.


I agree but that’s why it’s awesome they weeded themselves out before you even meet them.

For myself, I have bailed but I’ve always contacted them and said I was bailing. I’ve never just not shown up somewhere without telling them. I’m respectful of people’s time no matter why I’m bailing. When people just ghost without even saying why, I’m good with just knowing this was proof he’s not healthy and glad for not meeting them.


----------



## Numb26

Not said:


> minimalME said:
> 
> 
> 
> For the record, to make plans with someone, but then not communicate (text, email, phone) that you're not showing up, is dehumanizing and really, really cowardly.
> 
> This is not a healthy behavior, and a person who 'ghosts' lacks character.
> 
> There's no integrity or respect.
> 
> It's 100% selfish - doing what's easy and convenient for you.
> 
> 
> 
> Fully agree. It’s what I dislike about the online dating culture. It seems to be the nature of the beast and it’s pathetic to see that so many people willingly participate in this behavior and use the excuse of “that’s how online dating is” as an excuse. Nothing is stopping these people from dating with respect and integrity. Absolutely nothing.
> 
> It’s a bizarre world to step into.
Click to expand...

Which is why I am steering clear of the whole OLD nightmare


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Which is why I am steering clear of the whole OLD nightmare


Hey, I would steer clear of it too if men would just walk into my office and ask me out! Since that doesn't happen, I don't really have any other options.

Regardless of what you might be reading into all of this, OLD has not been a "nightmare" for me at all. I have met many great men, and have acquired a couple of boyfriends that way. 

I don't think you have started dating yet, but once you do, what's your plan? Where will you meet women?


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> Hard to tell...
> 
> Either way, it made me uncomfortable. I told her I don't look at people from that perspective.


How was the date otherwise? Did you like her, have comfortable conversation, were you attracted to her?

I've had guys make jokes like that to me, in the opposite direction. Like I mention a stalkery person or something and a new date will say "what kind of car does he drive, I'll slash his tires" with a wink. While I don't think that is particularly funny, I can see the guy is just making a humorous gesture as an attempt to say he would "protect me".


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> How was the date otherwise? Did you like her, have comfortable conversation, were you attracted to her?
> 
> I've had guys make jokes like that to me, in the opposite direction. Like I mention a stalkery person or something and a new date will say "what kind of car does he drive, I'll slash his tires" with a wink. While I don't think that is particularly funny, I can see the guy is just making a humorous gesture as an attempt to say he would "protect me".


Honestly, I don't know... I was attracted to her, even though her pictures were misleading - she was heavier than I imagined.

We had a short discussion about what we were looking for and it sounds like she is more interested in multi-dating. I am not interested in that.

I am having a bit of hard time figuring out the right balance with first dates. If I make a date with someone, I have trouble keeping other lines of communication open.


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> I am having a bit of hard time figuring out the right balance with first dates. If I make a date with someone, I have trouble keeping other lines of communication open.


I do too because it gets confusing. So usually I'll chat with 3 or 4 at a time until I see if one of them has more potential. Or even sometimes, only one of them actually steps up and wants to meet in person. Once that happens, I slow down communication with the other ones or just tell them I'm going on a date with someone I feel better suited with. 

The thing is though, most first meet dates are not going to go anywhere. So at that point, you have closed yourself off to the other people you were talking to. However, since I will never ask anyone to wait around for me to date someone else and then be there in case I don't like that person, it is just what I have to do. 

So I've gotten pretty good at knowing who is just a text dude and who is an actual date dude. Sometimes I make a decision that later I'm wondering if it was the right one. But not very often, my gut is usually pretty good at this and also, I can tell now by pictures when they are or aren't going to surprise me that way. It takes some experience.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> I have met many great men, and have acquired a couple of boyfriends that way.


“Acquired”...I love it. Like assets and liabilities. OLD seems to be one big balance sheet.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> “Acquired”...I love it. Like assets and liabilities. OLD seems to be one big balance sheet.


Be a grinch about it if you want, but don't put words or ideas in my mouth. I just use silly words and phrases sometimes. I do not see people as "assets". Please feel free to think whatever you want about whatever, but I'm not in the category of "nightmare OLD" people you have prejudged us as. I'm a good woman, a good catch, and have had good dates and relationships both from OLD and in other ways with good men who I appreciated.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Which is why I am steering clear of the whole OLD nightmare
> 
> 
> 
> Hey, I would steer clear of it too if men would just walk into my office and ask me out! Since that doesn't happen, I don't really have any other options.
> 
> Regardless of what you might be reading into all of this, OLD has not been a "nightmare" for me at all. I have met many great men, and have acquired a couple of boyfriends that way.
> 
> I don't think you have started dating yet, but once you do, what's your plan? Where will you meet women?
Click to expand...

Don't really have a plan, per se. My friends are already pushing the "you should get out there" or "I have someone you HAVE to meet". But I don't see any of that happening for a bunch of reasons. First. I really don't feel like I have the patience or energy. Second, I am horribly picky. And three, anybody I do date (seriously date) will be brought into my kids lifes and I don't know if that is something I want right now.

As for as how I will meet women...maybe it's how people are around here or maybe it's how I am but there isn't a problem meeting women. Most of my circle of friends and people I interact with at work are all single or divorced. Sad state when most people I know are divorced, makes me wonder if dating is even worth it.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Don't really have a plan, per se. My friends are already pushing the "you should get out there" or "I have someone you HAVE to meet". But I don't see any of that happening for a bunch of reasons. First. I really don't feel like I have the patience or energy. Second, I am horribly picky. And three, anybody I do date (seriously date) will be brought into my kids lifes and I don't know if that is something I want right now.
> 
> As for as how I will meet women...maybe it's how people are around here or maybe it's how I am but there isn't a problem meeting women. Most of my circle of friends and people I interact with at work are all single or divorced. Sad state when most people I know are divorced, makes me wonder if dating is even worth it.


Yeah you are just too fresh in this to even contemplate it yet, which is the best plan. When the time is right, you'll know it and have a little fun with it. Especially if meeting people in person or being introduced to someone via friends comes easy to you.

I am horribly picky also, but still have had plenty to choose from. Just noting this so you won't think that being picky is a problem. It is actually a benefit, because it means you won't bother with people who have no chance of being a match.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don't really have a plan, per se. My friends are already pushing the "you should get out there" or "I have someone you HAVE to meet". But I don't see any of that happening for a bunch of reasons. First. I really don't feel like I have the patience or energy. Second, I am horribly picky. And three, anybody I do date (seriously date) will be brought into my kids lifes and I don't know if that is something I want right now.
> 
> As for as how I will meet women...maybe it's how people are around here or maybe it's how I am but there isn't a problem meeting women. Most of my circle of friends and people I interact with at work are all single or divorced. Sad state when most people I know are divorced, makes me wonder if dating is even worth it.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah you are just too fresh in this to even contemplate it yet, which is the best plan. When the time is right, you'll know it and have a little fun with it. Especially if meeting people in person or being introduced to someone via friends comes easy to you.
> 
> I am horribly picky also, but still have had plenty to choose from. Just noting this so you won't think that being picky is a problem. It is actually a benefit, because it means you won't bother with people who have no chance of being a match.
Click to expand...

I agree, being picky is a good thing. Weeds out people I might otherwise consider in a weak moment. And you are right, now is not the time to think about dating. Kids come first and to be honest, still dealing with my pain about the STBXW. Wouldn't be fair to give anyone only half of my attention


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> “Acquired”...I love it. Like assets and liabilities. OLD seems to be one big balance sheet.
> 
> 
> 
> Be a grinch about it if you want, but don't put words or ideas in my mouth. I just use silly words and phrases sometimes. I do not see people as "assets". Please feel free to think whatever you want about whatever, but I'm not in the category of "nightmare OLD" people you have prejudged us as. I'm a good woman, a good catch, and have had good dates and relationships both from OLD and in other ways with good men who I appreciated.
Click to expand...

Holly hell, I thought it was really funny. I was in no way trying to attack you at all. I’m sorry it seemed that way. I have a lot of respect for you, FW and I love you view on things. 

I think I need to back off TAM for awhile. Pissing too many people off and don’t mean too.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Holly hell, I thought it was really funny. I was in no way trying to attack you at all. I’m sorry it seemed that way. I have a lot of respect for you, FW and I love you view on things.
> 
> I think I need to back off TAM for awhile. Pissing too many people off and don’t mean too.


No worries, I obviously read you wrong. :x


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> Holly hell, I thought it was really funny. I was in no way trying to attack you at all. I’m sorry it seemed that way. I have a lot of respect for you, FW and I love you view on things.
> 
> I think I need to back off TAM for awhile. Pissing too many people off and don’t mean too.
> 
> 
> 
> No worries, I obviously read you wrong. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_kiss.png" border="0" alt="" title="Kiss" ></a>
Click to expand...

It’s on me. My bad.


----------



## Not

Speaking of picky, I wish I could see pics of some of the guys you other girls deem datable. I’m having a horrible time with that! I can’t get past the pics on 99.9% of the profiles. I think part of the problem is it seems a lot of men are really lazy with the pics they share. Like they put no thought or real effort into them. Either that or I’m the pickiest person I know!


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> Speaking of picky, I wish I could see pics of some of the guys you other girls deem datable. I’m having a horrible time with that! I can’t get past the pics on 99.9% of the profiles. I think part of the problem is it seems a lot of men are really lazy with the pics they share. Like they put no thought or real effort into them. Either that or I’m the pickiest person I know!


Would like to see that myself!


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> Would like to see that myself!


Me too! I would love to see what other women, my competition, are doing as far as pics go.


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> Me too! I would love to see what other women, my competition, are doing as far as pics go.


So would you like to see pics of the actual dates they went on... or who they responded to?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Speaking of picky, I wish I could see pics of some of the guys you other girls deem datable. I’m having a horrible time with that! I can’t get past the pics on 99.9% of the profiles. I think part of the problem is it seems a lot of men are really lazy with the pics they share. Like they put no thought or real effort into them. Either that or I’m the pickiest person I know!


While I see all kinds of bad pics and just plain weird ones, I also see lots of very good ones. Good as in they are a good looking guy and the pics seem to represent him well. I would be happy to PM you some for examples. Doesn’t feel right to put them on the board.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> attheend02 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Would like to see that myself!
> 
> 
> 
> Me too! I would love to see what other women, my competition, are doing as far as pics go.
Click to expand...

If you have any guy friends who are on the apps you could ask them to show you some of the women on there. I could also PM you the pics I use if that would help.


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> So would you like to see pics of the actual dates they went on... or who they responded to?


Either would be great.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> While I see all kinds of bad pics and just plain weird ones, I also see lots of very good ones. Good as in they are a good looking guy and the pics seem to represent him well. I would be happy to PM you some for examples. Doesn’t feel right to put them on the board.


Pm would be great! 



Faithful Wife said:


> If you have any guy friends who are on the apps you could ask them to show you some of the women on there. I could also PM you the pics I use if that would help.


I don’t know any men on these apps. If you’re comfortable with that FW that would be super cool! I’ve always wondered what other women are doing as far as pics go.


----------



## RebuildingMe

The pics I’ve seen and immediately dismiss are duck lips or stupid cartoon additions like adding eyes, ears or stuff like that. I wouldn’t be as dismissive if it was like photo number 8, but these 40 something year old women use them as their profile pics. 

For the record, I haven’t joined yet. I do have likes but I can’t see them unless I join. I also have a couple of messages I can’t see either. I think it’s cool someone would message right off the bat as opposed to just a ‘like’.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I also have no idea what my male competitors look like or what photos they use. I assume shirtless if they are muscular? I have like 3 photos and my profile picture is just me standing in front of the mirror. I have some work to do on that front. Lol


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> I also have no idea what my male competitors look like or what photos they use. I assume shirtless if they are muscular? I have like 3 photos and my profile picture is just me standing in front of the mirror. I have some work to do on that front. Lol


I have some mirror pics too. Some men do the shirtless thing and some who do really need to put their shirts back on. One thing I’ve noticed about men is they like to post pics with sun glasses on, takes those glasses off so we can see you! I see it as the male equivalent of the filters the women use.


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> I also have no idea what my male competitors look like or what photos they use. I assume shirtless if they are muscular? I have like 3 photos and my profile picture is just me standing in front of the mirror. I have some work to do on that front. Lol


You can search for men as a man. (Match ... Woman looking for Men). 

Adjust as appropriate.

Its a crazy crazy world.


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> You can search for men as a man. (Match ... Woman looking for Men).
> 
> Adjust as appropriate.
> 
> Its a crazy crazy world.



Hopping onto Bumble now to try that lol!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> I have some mirror pics too. Some men do the shirtless thing and some who do really need to put their shirts back on. One thing I’ve noticed about men is they like to post pics with sun glasses on, takes those glasses off so we can see you! I see it as the male equivalent of the filters the women use.



Even if I had 6 pack abs, I wouldn’t post a shirtless picture. I’m 48, not 18. I have no sunglass photos. I see a lot of women that either photo shop or get professional photos done for their profile picture. Then I scroll through their other photos of them hanging out with friends, etc and they look nothing like the profile picture. The difference is usually significant weight difference. I question if that is truly their body in the profile, or they put their head on someone else’s body. 

It appears to be a tough road ahead, lol.


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> I also have no idea what my male competitors look like or what photos they use. I assume shirtless if they are muscular? I have like 3 photos and my profile picture is just me standing in front of the mirror. I have some work to do on that front. Lol


How do you think I feel? LOL The Basset Hound with the body of a Greek God. I'm not competitor Haha


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> Hopping onto Bumble now to try that lol!



Bumble is supposed be good for "friends", also


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> Even if I had 6 pack abs, I wouldn’t post a shirtless picture. I’m 48, not 18. I have no sunglass photos. I see a lot of women that either photo shop or get professional photos done for their profile picture. Then I scroll through their other photos of them hanging out with friends, etc and they look nothing like the profile picture. The difference is usually significant weight difference. I question if that is truly their body in the profile, or they put their head on someone else’s body.
> 
> It appears to be a tough road ahead, lol.


Dont worry - you'll get some sun-glass photos once you start building your profile!


----------



## Not

Not said:


> Hopping onto Bumble now to try that lol!


Well......boobs everywhere lol! And the makeup...sorry but I’m not doing that. I was directed to bi and gay women’s profiles but I’m assuming the pics would be basically the same for the straight women. Some were very decent though and looked “honest”.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Even if I had 6 pack abs, I wouldn’t post a shirtless picture. I’m 48, not 18. I have no sunglass photos. I see a lot of women that either photo shop or get professional photos done for their profile picture. Then I scroll through their other photos of them hanging out with friends, etc and they look nothing like the profile picture. The difference is usually significant weight difference. I question if that is truly their body in the profile, or they put their head on someone else’s body.
> 
> It appears to be a tough road ahead, lol.


I’ve seen men’s profiles where they’ll complain about the women’s pictures being so filtered or made up. The guys certainly don’t seem to dig it but that doesn’t seem to stop the women from doing it. More online dating weirdness.


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> I’ve seen men’s profiles where they’ll complain about the women’s pictures being so filtered or made up. The guys certainly don’t seem to dig it but that doesn’t seem to stop the women from doing it. More online dating weirdness.


I view it as a fad - I usually jost click next on the picure and hope for something more interesting.

But, the more I think about it, i actually can't remember liking a profile that has those type of pictures.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> attheend02 said:
> 
> 
> 
> You can search for men as a man. (Match ... Woman looking for Men).
> 
> Adjust as appropriate.
> 
> Its a crazy crazy world. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hopping onto Bumble now to try that lol!
Click to expand...

I don’t think you can do this on bumble. It will not recognize you as a male. So if you say you are looking for females it’s only going to show you gay women (females looking for females).


----------



## Elizabeth001

attheend02 said:


> I view it as a fad - I usually jost click next on the picure and hope for something more interesting.
> 
> 
> 
> But, the more I think about it, i actually can't remember liking a profile that has those type of pictures.




It seems dishonest to me. Like the weight thing.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> I don’t think you can do this on bumble. It will not recognize you as a male. So if you say you are looking for females it’s only going to show you gay women (females looking for females).



Sorry if I misled  

My experience is with Match.com.

I've just started with tinder, but I don't think its my style.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> I don’t think you can do this on bumble. It will not recognize you as a male. So if you say you are looking for females it’s only going to show you gay women (females looking for females).



That’s exactly what happened when I tried, which is fine.


----------



## Elizabeth001

They should totally come up with a dating site geared towards introverts. I would pay for that ****. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> Sorry if I misled
> 
> My experience is with Match.com.
> 
> I've just started with tinder, but I don't think its my style.



I’ve not tried Tinder because of what I’ve heard about it being mostly a hookup site. What don’t you like about it?


----------



## attheend02

Elizabeth001 said:


> It seems dishonest to me. Like the weight thing.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Except those pictures are obvious and not really misleading. Not like blurs that make you look younger.


----------



## Not

Elizabeth001 said:


> They should totally come up with a dating site geared towards introverts. I would pay for that ****.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I believe that exists! Google it, seriously!

Edited: found one! Single and shy, though shy and introverted aren’t the same thing.


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> I’ve not tried Tinder because of what I’ve heard about it being mostly a hookup site. What don’t you like about it?


I don't like it because if feels like hook up site. I just don't feel comfortable.

I like Match because I can read someones profile and imagine if I would like talking to the person.

Tinder doesn't really focus on that.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Not said:


> I believe that exists! Google it, seriously!




Oh snap! I might be on to something here. Thank you!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

Okay, you convinced me to go on match as a woman. I totally see the sunglasses thing! A lot of these photos look like mugshots. Also, what’s with the Miami Vice beach theme? 

All in all, I was pleased. I can definitely complete with these fools, lol. (I’m adding a lol after every post for FW) 🙂


----------



## Elizabeth001

Anomo & coffee meets bagel looks interesting. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> Okay, you convinced me to go on match as a woman. I totally see the sunglasses thing! A lot of these photos look like mugshots. Also, what’s with the Miami Vice beach theme?
> 
> All in all, I was pleased. I can definitely complete with these fools, lol. (I’m adding a lol after every post for FW) 🙂




Yuuuup! Knowledge is power!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

You guys are killing me... must go to bed!
Cheers


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> I don't like it because if feels like hook up site. I just don't feel comfortable.
> 
> I like Match because I can read someones profile and imagine if I would like talking to the person.
> 
> Tinder doesn't really focus on that.


Ok, thanks. I think I’ll keep away.


----------



## RebuildingMe

attheend02 said:


> I don't like it because if feels like hook up site. I just don't feel comfortable.
> 
> I like Match because I can read someones profile and imagine if I would like talking to the person.
> 
> Tinder doesn't really focus on that.


I haven’t joined either match or tinder, but have profiles on both. Tinder, to me, is like shopping for prostitutes. I feel as though as soon as a swipe right, the woman is going to charge my credit card.


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> I haven’t joined either match or tinder, but have profiles on both. Tinder, to me, is like shopping for prostitutes. I feel as though as soon as a swipe right, the woman is going to charge my credit card.


I haven't really had that strong of a negative feeling. It just seems that the expectation is a bit more aggressive than I am used to.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I personally like shirtless pics because I like to see what kind of shape a guy is in. I need to see some muscles in order to be interested. However, even if he does have muscles, if the pic is weird or cheesy then I’m probably going to next him.

For me the best shirtless pic will be one taken by someone else on a boat or a beach or somewhere that it is natural to have your shirt off. 

Shirtless bathroom pics are not usually going to look that great to me, but sometimes I’m ok with it. 

Sometimes a tight T-shirt will tell me all I need to know and a shirtless one is not necessary.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Okay, you convinced me to go on match as a woman. I totally see the sunglasses thing! A lot of these photos look like mugshots. Also, what’s with the Miami Vice beach theme?
> 
> All in all, I was pleased. I can definitely complete with these fools, lol. (I’m adding a lol after every post for FW) 🙂


Excellent attitude!! Confidence.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I’ve seen at least one profile from a guy and heard in person from one guy that a lot of women are showing excessive boob and butt. 

I’m sure a lot of guys respond to this, but the ones I’m attracting are saying stop ladies - we don’t need to see it all upfront. 

Some also say if you have filtered pics you’re a next.

However I know from my lady friends who are all about filters and boob and butt, that they are getting plenty of responses.

It all depends on what you are looking for. If you want to hook up, show boob and butt. If you want something else, edit your pics as needed.

All the F boys have shirtless or very provocative pics and say they are looking for “something casual” on bumble. It’s easy for me to swipe right or left. Though if an F boy has some great pics, I’ll certainly peruse them with relish and think about all the ways he would look sexy while throwing me around. Isn’t that natural? 

Then I left swipe him and say to myself “no time for F boys but thanks for the eye candy” and move on.

I’m definitely not going to complain about it on my profile. I just eye it and swipe. I’m not there to tell others what they should or shouldn’t show us.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I always hated when a guy would post a bunch of group photos on his profile, without a good, clear pic of just himself. Its hard to pick out someone who you arent really sure what they look like! Also it makes me feel like he has to have a bunch of dudebros around all the time too... no thanks!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> Okay, you convinced me to go on match as a woman. I totally see the sunglasses thing! A lot of these photos look like mugshots. Also, what’s with the Miami Vice beach theme?
> 
> All in all, I was pleased. I can definitely complete with these fools, lol. (I’m adding a lol after every post for FW) 🙂
> 
> 
> 
> Excellent attitude!! Confidence.
Click to expand...

I noticed a lot of balding guys also. I’m 48, never lost my hair and never went grey, so I guess “I have that going for me, which is nice”.
Quick, which movie?


----------



## VibrantWings

I've met someone and it's going well. I have taken myself off the dating site. Things are still tenative because we haven't known each other that long but so far, so good 

Oh and he doesn't have a ZZ Top beard.......or any beard at all! No wonder I'm interested, he's such a rare gem in these here parts....:yay::x


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> I noticed a lot of balding guys also. I’m 48, never lost my hair and never went grey, so I guess “I have that going for me, which is nice”.
> *Quick, which movie?*


I don't know, I'm stumped?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> I noticed a lot of balding guys also. I’m 48, never lost my hair and never went grey, so I guess “I have that going for me, which is nice”.
> *Quick, which movie?*
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know, I'm stumped?
Click to expand...

Famous line from Bill Murray in Caddyshack. I’m dating myself with the 80’s movie reference.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Famous line from Bill Murray in Caddyshack. I’m dating myself with the 80’s movie reference.


Oh ha! That's funny because that was one of the Bill Murray movies I just couldn't get into, I never thought it was funny. Even though everyone else around me loved it and I enjoyed almost all of his others!


----------



## Not

This guy knows the deal lol! I made sure there was no way to identify this person so I hope this is OK.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

OMG I love that!! :laugh:


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Famous line from Bill Murray in Caddyshack. I’m dating myself with the 80’s movie reference.





Faithful Wife said:


> Oh ha! That's funny because that was one of the Bill Murray movies I just couldn't get into, I never thought it was funny. Even though everyone else around me loved it and I enjoyed almost all of his others!


Have you guys seen the Bill Murray Jeep commercial? It's awesome. I can't begin to imagine how much money they paid him for this, but it was worth it!






Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

FeministInPink said:


> Have you guys seen the Bill Murray Jeep commercial? It's awesome. I can't begin to imagine how much money they paid him for this, but it was worth it!
> 
> https://youtu.be/5QgBRvMmWk4
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Thats great!!! 
Two Murrays (Bill and Brian Doyle) and Stephen Tobolowsky. 

Almost makes me wish I'd watched the superbowl.


----------



## FeministInPink

attheend02 said:


> Thats great!!!
> 
> Two Murrays (Bill and Brian Doyle) and Stephen Tobolowsky.
> 
> 
> 
> Almost makes me wish I'd watched the superbowl.


I saw it on Facebook. I didn't watch the Superbowl, either.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> Have you guys seen the Bill Murray Jeep commercial? It's awesome. I can't begin to imagine how much money they paid him for this, but it was worth it!
> 
> https://youtu.be/5QgBRvMmWk4
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I was watching the super bowl with a bunch of millennials who didn’t understand the commercial because they never saw or heard of Groundhog Day. :surprise:


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> I was watching the super bowl with a bunch of millennials who didn’t understand the commercial because they never saw or heard of Groundhog Day. :surprise:


I made my grandkids watch it so they do know. They loved it! Who doesn’t love that movie, it’s awesome.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Here’s a good one. Good as in, wtf?

See how in his description he is looking for someone to “build and share this life with”....but below under what kind of relationship are you looking for he answered “something casual”.

I see this a lot actually. Note to new online daters: don’t do this it is misleading and confusing.


----------



## nypsychnurse

Just introducing myself here...I've been lurking a while, and posted a few times...

Hoping to get some inspiration about how to enjoy being single again, moving past the grief of divorce and separation, and how to begin to date again, when and IF I'm ever ready...

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

nypsychnurse said:


> Just introducing myself here...I've been lurking a while, and posted a few times...
> 
> Hoping to get some inspiration about how to enjoy being single again, moving past the grief of divorce and separation, and how to begin to date again, when and IF I'm ever ready...
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Right there with you. If and when I am ready


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> Okay, you convinced me to go on match as a woman. I totally see the sunglasses thing! A lot of these photos look like mugshots. Also, what’s with the Miami Vice beach theme?
> 
> All in all, I was pleased. I can definitely complete with these fools, lol. (I’m adding a lol after every post for FW) 🙂


I tried it too. It was kind of interesting. There are 190 women within a decade and 25 miles of me on match. There are 450 men with the same criteria. I didn't go into much detail looking at the profiles but there was a funny difference between the genders. The majority of the women were smiling while the guys were serious. The sunglasses / mugshot look of the guys was about equivalent to the IG filter / duckface for women.


----------



## FeministInPink

Hiner112 said:


> I tried it too. It was kind of interesting. There are 190 women within a decade and 25 miles of me on match. There are 450 men with the same criteria. I didn't go into much detail looking at the profiles but there was a funny difference between the genders. The majority of the women were smiling while the guys were serious. The sunglasses / mugshot look of the guys was about equivalent to the IG filter / duckface for women.


With that type of ratio, it sounds like I need to get on Match! I've actually been thinking about it for a while, and I'm leaning towards signing up after I get a new phone. I'm waiting for the Galaxy 20 to upgrade. I stuck with my Galaxy 7 as long as possible, but I'm at the point where my memory is maxed out and I can't delete any more apps. So I can't add any new dating apps until I get my new phone.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

Hiner112 said:


> I tried it too. It was kind of interesting. There are 190 women within a decade and 25 miles of me on match. There are 450 men with the same criteria. I didn't go into much detail looking at the profiles but there was a funny difference between the genders. The majority of the women were smiling while the guys were serious. The sunglasses / mugshot look of the guys was about equivalent to the IG filter / duckface for women.


Many online dating advice resources that I have read advise men not to smile in the profiles.


----------



## attheend02

FeministInPink said:


> With that type of ratio, it sounds like I need to get on Match! I've actually been thinking about it for a while, and I'm leaning towards signing up after I get a new phone. I'm waiting for the Galaxy 20 to upgrade. I stuck with my Galaxy 7 as long as possible, but I'm at the point where my memory is maxed out and I can't delete any more apps. So I can't add any new dating apps until I get my new phone.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Wow... thats a lot of apps! 

I much prefer them all on my good old desktop computer.


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> Many online dating advice resources that I have read advise men not to smile in the profiles.


Really?? Why not? WTF? I love seeing a man's smile.


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> Really?? Why not? WTF? I love seeing a man's smile.


I don't really know... I may have been a little to impressionable while first investigating OLD.

Here's some reference, that says the opposite, though:

https://blog.photofeeler.com/*******-is-wrong-about-smiling-eye-contact-mens-dating-profile-photos/

My profile has both smile and sunglass pictures, though. Its a little light on words, though.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I don't mind pics with sunglasses, as long as it is not all of their pics. I like smile and more candid and everything in between. I just like men, so show me what ya got, is my feelings on the matter!! :grin2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

So I got an offer today from an exGF. She’s been married 21 years and her husband wants to see her with another dude. I think it’s kinda weird. She said we can have “practice runs” first. It’s been awhile and I’d like to get back on the horse. I just don’t know about this way. Am I crazy for considering this?


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> So I got an offer today from an exGF. She’s been married 21 years and her husband wants to see her with another dude. I think it’s kinda weird. She said we can have “practice runs” first. It’s been awhile and I’d like to get back on the horse. I just don’t know about this way. Am I crazy for considering this?


Of course you are crazy for considering it! But have fun!!!!


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> So I got an offer today from an exGF. She’s been married 21 years and her husband wants to see her with another dude. I think it’s kinda weird. She said we can have “practice runs” first. It’s been awhile and I’d like to get back on the horse. I just don’t know about this way. Am I crazy for considering this?


I was following it until the "practice runs" part. Doesn't that strike you as funny considering her husband wants to "see". A little fishy to me


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> So I got an offer today from an exGF. She’s been married 21 years and her husband wants to see her with another dude. I think it’s kinda weird. She said we can have “practice runs” first. It’s been awhile and I’d like to get back on the horse. I just don’t know about this way. Am I crazy for considering this?


Oh dear god noooooooooo.....

Don't do anything you would be ashamed to tell a new girlfriend!!!! Ever!!!!

Not that we owe new partners details about this kind of stuff. I'm just saying, you may be nexted for doing something like this by someone new and really cool. Nexted as in, even if you didn't tell her, if she stated a boundary like I'd never be with someone who did a cuckold thing, you would have to next yourself!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh dear god noooooooooo.....
> 
> Don't do anything you would be ashamed to tell a new girlfriend!!!! Ever!!!!
> 
> Not that we owe new partners details about this kind of stuff. I'm just saying, you may be nexted for doing something like this by someone new and really cool. Nexted as in, even if you didn't tell her, if she stated a boundary like I'd never be with someone who did a cuckold thing, you would have to next yourself!


My initial reaction to myself was no. This was this morning. Oddly, I spent the day considering the offer. I’m not even sure if I’d “perform” if I was being watched. Especially since her husband has been waiting years for this. I think he’d be disappointed. I think I’ll pass. 

Numb- I was more interested in just the “practice runs” until I thought about it more and realized I’d just be an AP. That is NOT who I am. 

The whole thing just threw me for a loop. Is this the new normal?


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Oh dear god noooooooooo.....
> 
> Don't do anything you would be ashamed to tell a new girlfriend!!!! Ever!!!!
> 
> Not that we owe new partners details about this kind of stuff. I'm just saying, you may be nexted for doing something like this by someone new and really cool. Nexted as in, even if you didn't tell her, if she stated a boundary like I'd never be with someone who did a cuckold thing, you would have to next yourself!
> 
> 
> 
> My initial reaction to myself was no. This was this morning. Oddly, I spent the day considering the offer. I’m not even sure if I’d “perform” if I was being watched. Especially since her husband has been waiting years for this. I think he’d be disappointed. I think I’ll pass.
> 
> Numb- I was more interested in just the “practice runs” until I thought about it more and realized I’d just be an AP. That is NOT who I am.
> 
> The whole thing just threw me for a loop. Is this the new normal?
Click to expand...

Not new. Has been around for awhile just more out in the open now


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> My initial reaction to myself was no. This was this morning. Oddly, I spent the day considering the offer. I’m not even sure if I’d “perform” if I was being watched. Especially since her husband has been waiting years for this. I think he’d be disappointed. I think I’ll pass.
> 
> Numb- I was more interested in just the “practice runs” until I thought about it more and realized I’d just be an AP. That is NOT who I am.
> 
> The whole thing just threw me for a loop. Is this the new normal?


Not normal for me. 

I think the new normal is much more judgmental. You now have to worry about someone finding out about all the stupid mistakes you've made over the last 30 years.


----------



## 2&out

Watching, smiling. OMG on the online dating. I could never wade thru, figure out. LOL.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> My initial reaction to myself was no. This was this morning. Oddly, I spent the day considering the offer. I’m not even sure if I’d “perform” if I was being watched. Especially since her husband has been waiting years for this. I think he’d be disappointed. I think I’ll pass.
> 
> Numb- I was more interested in just the “practice runs” until I thought about it more and realized I’d just be an AP. That is NOT who I am.
> 
> The whole thing just threw me for a loop. Is this the new normal?


Just know that if you are going to go down that road, you will always have to know that other people will reject you for it.

Look - I'm kinky, and I only date kinky people or people who can handle it. So for me it is no big deal if a guy did that in his past (as long as he realizes that's not where I'm going at all). But I know how non-kinky people look at things and they will certainly reject you for something like this. Women especially are not understanding of why a man would ever do something like this. It seems "gay" to a lot of women (and men, too). 

Don't go down roads like this just to get free sex!!! You don't know what's out there and unless you know you really want that kind of experiences *for yourself,* then you'll immediately regret this kind of things. NEVER do it as a "favor" for anyone either! It must because you WANT to do it.


----------



## 2&out

Rebuilding, There is no future with her, correct ? Her Hub is OK with ? I'd go bang her to the best of my ability and walk - and never have contact with again. Match this pal... LOL - and feel yes I did, and hope I rocked her. Even if I didn't, so what. Never hear less as no second chances.  Live once.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> My initial reaction to myself was no. This was this morning. Oddly, I spent the day considering the offer. I’m not even sure if I’d “perform” if I was being watched. Especially since her husband has been waiting years for this. I think he’d be disappointed. I think I’ll pass.
> 
> Numb- I was more interested in just the “practice runs” until I thought about it more and realized I’d just be an AP. That is NOT who I am.
> 
> The whole thing just threw me for a loop. Is this the new normal?
> 
> 
> 
> Just know that if you are going to go down that road, you will always have to know that other people will reject you for it.
> 
> Look - I'm kinky, and I only date kinky people or people who can handle it. So for me it is no big deal if a guy did that in his past (as long as he realizes that's not where I'm going at all). But I know how non-kinky people look at things and they will certainly reject you for something like this. Women especially are not understanding of why a man would ever do something like this. It seems "gay" to a lot of women (and men, too).
> 
> Don't go down roads like this just to get free sex!!! You don't know what's out there and unless you know you really want that kind of experiences *for yourself,* then you'll immediately regret this kind of things. NEVER do it as a "favor" for anyone either! It must because you WANT to do it.
Click to expand...

As a fellow "kinky" person, I can confirm what FW says. Better to stay away if it's not something you want biting you in the ass later on. It's hard enough to find like minded people without being judged later on.


----------



## Faithful Wife

2&out said:


> Rebuilding, There is no future with her, correct ? Her Hub is OK with ? I'd go bang her to the best of my ability and walk - and never have contact with again. Match this pal... LOL - and feel yes I did, and hope I rocked her. Even if I didn't, so what. Never hear less as no second chances.  Live once.


Don’t forget the creepy husband wants to watch at the same time, most likely in the same room. And he either wants to be degraded while you are ****ing his wife (as in you’ll have to talk to him and look him in the eye) or he wants to wank on you both while you **** her.

Either way you’ll be ****ing her with another **** within a couple feet of you.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> 2&out said:
> 
> 
> 
> Rebuilding, There is no future with her, correct ? Her Hub is OK with ? I'd go bang her to the best of my ability and walk - and never have contact with again. Match this pal... LOL - and feel yes I did, and hope I rocked her. Even if I didn't, so what. Never hear less as no second chances.  Live once.
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t forget the creepy husband wants to watch at the same time, most likely in the same room. And he either wants to be degraded while you are ****ing his wife (as in you’ll have to talk to him and look him in the eye) or he wants to wank on you both while you **** her.
> 
> Either way you’ll be ****ing her with another **** within a couple feet of you.
Click to expand...

AND if it's the couples first time doing that, things could go bad very quickly.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Don’t forget the creepy husband wants to watch at the same time, most likely in the same room. And he either wants to be degraded while you are ****ing his wife (as in you’ll have to talk to him and look him in the eye) or he wants to wank on you both while you **** her.
> 
> Either way you’ll be ****ing her with another **** within a couple feet of you.


I made it clear I wasn’t bi. She made it clear that neither was her husband. He just wants to watch. Lol, I didn’t even think I’d have to look at him, no less talk to him. I’m laughing just thinking about how’d that would look. 

2&out- nope, no future. Yeah I can hit it and quit it, but that just not in my DNA. So I wonder, is it me that has to change my mentality?


----------



## RebuildingMe

I looked at her FB. The husband seems such a straight laced guy and he works on Wall Street. I think she thought she was doing me a favor with the offer, but I think it’s the other way around.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t forget the creepy husband wants to watch at the same time, most likely in the same room. And he either wants to be degraded while you are ****ing his wife (as in you’ll have to talk to him and look him in the eye) or he wants to wank on you both while you **** her.
> 
> Either way you’ll be ****ing her with another **** within a couple feet of you.
> 
> 
> 
> I made it clear I wasn’t bi. She made it clear that neither was her husband. He just wants to watch. Lol, I didn’t even think I’d have to look at him, no less talk to him. I’m laughing just thinking about how’d that would look.
> 
> 2&out- nope, no future. Yeah I can hit it and quit it, but that just not in my DNA. So I wonder, is it me that has to change my mentality?
Click to expand...

No! Do not change your mentality.

If something like this never made you curious before now, then it is not in you to want to do stuff like this. Be true to yourself. And again, never EVER do something sexual as a “favor” to someone else.


----------



## Not

edited


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> I looked at her FB. The husband seems such a straight laced guy and he works on Wall Street. I think she thought she was doing me a favor with the offer, but I think it’s the other way around.


Tell them to put up a profile on Fetlife and they can have about 100 men to choose from who would be more than happy to be their bull. The don’t need to mine their friends and exes for this, there are plenty of people who already want to play like that.


----------



## Hiner112

FeministInPink said:


> With that type of ratio, it sounds like I need to get on Match! I've actually been thinking about it for a while, and I'm leaning towards signing up after I get a new phone. I'm waiting for the Galaxy 20 to upgrade. I stuck with my Galaxy 7 as long as possible, but I'm at the point where my memory is maxed out and I can't delete any more apps. So I can't add any new dating apps until I get my new phone.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Lol, it wasn't as encouraging for me. It does likely mean that Match might not be the best option for men in my area. I don't think swiping apps are as easily investigated though. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> I made it clear I wasn’t bi. She made it clear that neither was her husband. He just wants to watch. Lol, I didn’t even think I’d have to look at him, no less talk to him. I’m laughing just thinking about how’d that would look.
> 
> 2&out- nope, no future. Yeah I can hit it and quit it, but that just not in my DNA. So I wonder, is it me that has to change my mentality?


Also, he probably isn’t bi either. He is most likely wanting to be degraded. By you and her. That means talking to him and telling him he is a worthless piece of crap with a small **** while you’re ****ing his wife. Gross!


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> Also, he probably isn’t bi either. He is most likely wanting to be degraded. By you and her. That means talking to him and telling him he is a worthless piece of crap with a small **** while you’re ****ing his wife. Gross!



And then he gets pissed when you've gone too far...! 


No Thanks!!!!


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> And then he gets pissed when you've gone too far...!
> 
> 
> No Thanks!!!!


Right, and he’s got deep self loathing which will make him hate himself for going there, which he will immediately project onto the bull. Things could go so sideways that someone ends up in a hospital.

Oh the horror stories I could tell of people who thought they were just going to play a kinky game!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> I was a sexual free spirit when I was younger before I got married. I did the above scenario but it was the wife watching. I’m not into that kind of thing anymore though and I want to meet someone who’s where I am with it so I would next a guy if he recently had.


I’ve dated guys who were the bull in their past (and who had no interest in that kind of thing now), but I would never date a guy who wanted to be cuckcolded. They are almost always self loathing men who want to be degraded, and they will always want to be degraded. Whereas the bull is usually just getting a free piece of ass. Most guys who did this who I’ve talked to personally said it ended up being gross and they never did it again. Whereas cuckcold dudes will always want it and the humiliation and degradation.


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> Right, and he’s got deep self loathing which will make him hate himself for going there, which he will immediately project onto the bull. Things could go so sideways that someone ends up in a hospital.
> 
> Oh the horror stories I could tell of people who thought they were just going to play a kinky game!


(Aside to the newbies: Real Estate is my ex-BF, who I had a serious relationship for several years before we broke up a year and a half ago. We are both kinky, and were pretty active in our local scene while we were dating.)

This is why I refused to do this with Real Estate... it was one of his biggest fantasies to see me get ****ed by another man. He asked me multiple times, and I always refused for 2 reasons: 1) I am purely monogamous and had no desire whatsoever to have sex with another man, and I would hate myself for doing it, and 2) I knew RE hadn't really thought this through, he wasn't prepared for the inevitable emotional fallout, and I knew the whole thing would be a disaster and likely be the end of our relationship.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

Numb26 said:


> As a fellow "kinky" person, I can confirm what FW says. Better to stay away if it's not something you want biting you in the ass later on. It's hard enough to find like minded people without being judged later on.


Kinky TAM Singles unite 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

So a couple of months ago I went on a date with this dude. I just saw his profile on bumble pop up again.

It was a great date, lots of chemistry, and I was looking forward to seeing him again and hopefully getting to the sex stage. We had talked some about sex and preferences, enough to be hopeful we would be a match that way. We made out a little at the bar, which felt nice. He asked me to come home with him and I said no, I said the first time I have sex with someone, it’s not going to be on a weeknight at 11 pm when I would have to jump out of bed and run home and get to bed so I can go to work. I want to take my time, have time for after snuggles and time for a second go round if it was great. 

During the date he seemed fine with that and we made plans to get together the next night.

He walked me to my car and kissed me good night and said he had a lovely time.

Then when we got home he texted me and said I’ve been thinking and feel we are not a match. He said he doesn’t like “games” and that “if you’re going to talk about sex you should have sex”. Since I didn’t have sex with him on the first date, which I never said I would do!!!, then I’m just playing games.

What a ****!! I just said wow, ok bye then.

A few days later he texted and said sorry I didn’t mean to be a jerk I just don’t like games. Whatever weirdo, I didn’t respond at all. Good luck finding only girls who will **** you after knowing you for an hour. I know there’s plenty who will so go find them, asshat.

Anyway, note that he lied about his height. He is 5’10” at most. Also open minded? Really? You don’t seem open minded about someone who doesn’t do exactly what you want them to do as soon as you demand it. And KIND??? 

I wish I could message him and just say hey creep, be honest in your profile and say that if they don’t **** you immediately you will accuse them of playing “games”. 

Idiot.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So I guess I’d be the “bull” in the scenario, yet I just dropped 40lbs. I hardly think of myself as a bull, lol. 

I’m not going to take her up on her offer. Yes it would be nice for me to get laid, but I think the potential fallout could be something I regret.

On another note, any of you on match I have a question. I could have sworn the other night it was like $80 for 6 months. I just went to join and it is now $130. Am I wrong or do they run specials and I just have to wait? What are you all paying?


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> So a couple of months ago I went on a date with this dude. I just saw his profile on bumble pop up again.
> 
> It was a great date, lots of chemistry, and I was looking forward to seeing him again and hopefully getting to the sex stage. We had talked some about sex and preferences, enough to be hopeful we would be a match that way. We made out a little at the bar, which felt nice. He asked me to come home with him and I said no, I said the first time I have sex with someone, it’s not going to be on a weeknight at 11 pm when I would have to jump out of bed and run home and get to bed so I can go to work. I want to take my time, have time for after snuggles and time for a second go round if it was great.
> 
> During the date he seemed fine with that and we made plans to get together the next night.
> 
> He walked me to my car and kissed me good night and said he had a lovely time.
> 
> Then when we got home he texted me and said I’ve been thinking and feel we are not a match. He said he doesn’t like “games” and that “if you’re going to talk about sex you should have sex”. Since I didn’t have sex with him on the first date, which I never said I would do!!!, then I’m just playing games.
> 
> What a ****!! I just said wow, ok bye then.
> 
> A few days later he texted and said sorry I didn’t mean to be a jerk I just don’t like games. Whatever weirdo, I didn’t respond at all. Good luck finding only girls who will **** you after knowing you for an hour. I know there’s plenty who will so go find them, asshat.
> 
> Anyway, note that he lied about his height. He is 5’10” at most. Also open minded? Really? You don’t seem open minded about someone who doesn’t do exactly what you want them to do as soon as you demand it. And KIND???
> 
> I wish I could message him and just say hey creep, be honest in your profile and say that if they don’t **** you immediately you will accuse them of playing “games”.
> 
> Idiot.


I'm pretty sure I remember the thread when you posted that... jerk.

was that the same profile he used when you met?


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> So I guess I’d be the “bull” in the scenario, yet I just dropped 40lbs. I hardly think of myself as a bull, lol.
> 
> I’m not going to take her up on her offer. Yes it would be nice for me to get laid, but I think the potential fallout could be something I regret.
> 
> On another note, any of you on match I have a question. I could have sworn the other night it was like $80 for 6 months. I just went to join and it is now $130. Am I wrong or do they run specials and I just have to wait? What are you all paying?


I think you can somehow hunt around and find the equivalent of a coupon. I remember @Lila said something like that but it might not have been match. Anyway yes they have specials but there is some way you can always get it cheaper if you check around.

I don’t particularly like match but will be curious what you think.

Realize that with all apps, at first when you are new there is lots of matches and activity, but then it slows way down. I would say even though it costs more, a month is probably all you need. After that you just are seeing the same people over and over.


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> So a couple of months ago I went on a date with this dude. I just saw his profile on bumble pop up again.
> 
> It was a great date, lots of chemistry, and I was looking forward to seeing him again and hopefully getting to the sex stage. We had talked some about sex and preferences, enough to be hopeful we would be a match that way. We made out a little at the bar, which felt nice. He asked me to come home with him and I said no, I said the first time I have sex with someone, it’s not going to be on a weeknight at 11 pm when I would have to jump out of bed and run home and get to bed so I can go to work. I want to take my time, have time for after snuggles and time for a second go round if it was great.
> 
> During the date he seemed fine with that and we made plans to get together the next night.
> 
> He walked me to my car and kissed me good night and said he had a lovely time.
> 
> Then when we got home he texted me and said I’ve been thinking and feel we are not a match. He said he doesn’t like “games” and that “if you’re going to talk about sex you should have sex”. Since I didn’t have sex with him on the first date, which I never said I would do!!!, then I’m just playing games.
> 
> What a ****!! I just said wow, ok bye then.
> 
> A few days later he texted and said sorry I didn’t mean to be a jerk I just don’t like games. Whatever weirdo, I didn’t respond at all. Good luck finding only girls who will **** you after knowing you for an hour. I know there’s plenty who will so go find them, asshat.
> 
> Anyway, note that he lied about his height. He is 5’10” at most. Also open minded? Really? You don’t seem open minded about someone who doesn’t do exactly what you want them to do as soon as you demand it. And KIND???
> 
> I wish I could message him and just say hey creep, be honest in your profile and say that if they don’t **** you immediately you will accuse them of playing “games”.
> 
> Idiot.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm pretty sure I remember the thread when you posted that... jerk.
> 
> was that the same profile he used when you met?
Click to expand...

Yeah from what I remember it was pretty close to the same. He had a couple new pics.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Realize that with all apps, at first when you are new there is lots of matches and activity, but then it slows way down. I would say even though it costs more, a month is probably all you need. After that you just are seeing the same people over and over.


This all sounds quite depressing :frown2:


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> This all sounds quite depressing :frown2:


Then don’t do it! Just talk to girls in person and have your friends set you up with friends and go to meetups.

I actually think it’s fun. But a lot of people don’t like it.

You have other options!


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> This all sounds quite depressing :frown2:


Or you can hang in there waiting for newbies to join and then pounce. That’s what I do with Plenty of Fish. I create an account every six weeks or so just to look for newbies. It’s true though that it’s usually all the same people. My ex bf has been on that site for over two years straight except for the three months he was seeing me.


----------



## Numb26

FeministInPink said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> As a fellow "kinky" person, I can confirm what FW says. Better to stay away if it's not something you want biting you in the ass later on. It's hard enough to find like minded people without being judged later on.
> 
> 
> 
> Kinky TAM Singles unite <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

We need a secret handshake or something! 😉


----------



## ReformedHubby

RebuildingMe said:


> My initial reaction to myself was no. This was this morning. Oddly, I spent the day considering the offer. I’m not even sure if I’d “perform” if I was being watched. Especially since her husband has been waiting years for this. I think he’d be disappointed. I think I’ll pass.
> 
> Numb- I was more interested in just the “practice runs” until I thought about it more and realized I’d just be an AP. That is NOT who I am.
> 
> The whole thing just threw me for a loop. Is this the new normal?


Hmmmm....I wouldn't do it if I were you. Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but during my lost years, someone I was formerly FWBs with was now in a relationship, and it was her man's fantasy to see her with another guy. The thing is she really didn't tell me this until we met for drinks, I thought it was just going to be me and her initially. Not sure why I even agreed to do it. She did agree to give me an IOU of sorts. Meaning she would be a unicorn for me in the future if I ever needed one. All I can say is it did NOT go down as expected. Even though all he did was watch, it was the facial expressions he was making that I'll never forget. In the end you won't feel like you're some sort of stud. You'll realize you were just used as a part of someone else's fantasy. It was easily one of the worst sexual experiences I have had because of the way I felt about it afterwards. I won't even go into the semantics behind the whole weird black/white cuckold fantasy thing, because I really don't understand it, but clearly thats what the guy was into. The whole experience left me feeling cheap. I am at a point in my life where pretty much anything "lifestyle" related just isn't for me.


----------



## Numb26

ReformedHubby said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> My initial reaction to myself was no. This was this morning. Oddly, I spent the day considering the offer. I’m not even sure if I’d “perform” if I was being watched. Especially since her husband has been waiting years for this. I think he’d be disappointed. I think I’ll pass.
> 
> Numb- I was more interested in just the “practice runs” until I thought about it more and realized I’d just be an AP. That is NOT who I am.
> 
> The whole thing just threw me for a loop. Is this the new normal?
> 
> 
> 
> Hmmmm....I wouldn't do it if I were you. Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but during my lost years, someone I was formerly FWBs with was now in a relationship, and it was her man's fantasy to see her with another guy. The thing is she really didn't tell me this until we met for drinks, I thought it was just going to be me and her initially. Not sure why I even agreed to do it. She did agree to give me an IOU of sorts. Meaning she would be a unicorn for me in the future if I ever needed one. All I can say is it did NOT go down as expected. Even though all he did was watch, it was the facial expressions he was making that I'll never forget. In the end you won't feel like you're some sort of stud. You'll realize you were just used as a part of someone else's fantasy. It was easily one of the worst sexual experiences I have had because of the way I felt about it afterwards. I won't even go into the semantics behind the whole weird black/white cuckold fantasy thing, because I really don't understand it, but clearly thats what the guy was into. The whole experience left me feeling cheap. I am at a point in my life where pretty much anything "lifestyle" related just isn't for me.
Click to expand...

I have never been involved with that type of "play" but I have my own thing I was invited to take part in and I ended up pretty much feeling the same way you did. It is not something I would ever do again, like you said, I felt cheap afterwards. Maybe it would have been different if everyone had more experience but being that it was their first time, nothing but problems occurred. Hindsight is 20/20


----------



## notmyjamie

OK...here's an issue I'm not used to dealing with and I just don't get. I took my daughter to lunch today after an eye appointment. We went to an allergy specialty place. She is gluten free and this entire store is gluten free. It's really awesome. Anyway, the entire time we were eating this man was staring at me. I even saw the moment he looked at my left hand and determined there was no ring. He was sitting next to who I assume is his wife and the whole thing just gave me the creeps. 

So, we finished eating and then went to the grocery store next door to get a few things. Daughter decided she wanted to get a treat from the original place to take home so we went back in. We were standing at the display case and the guy comes up and stands right in our way!! He says to the clerk "I'm just looking" so I say "that's what we're trying to do, decide what to get" so he'd get the hint to get out of our way seeing as how he purposefully put himself between us and the case even though there was plenty of room all along the case for him to stand. He turns to me, looks me up and down with a leer, and says "I just wanted to get a look at what I know I can't eat." Then he runs his hand down my arm, smirks at me and walks away. :surprise:

What the **** was that?????? Is this how brazen people are now?? He did all this right in front of my daughter!! Is this a you're single so I can flirt thing? Or is he just an exceptional creep and my being single had nothing to do with it?

I need a shower now. Ugh.


----------



## Faithful Wife

notmyjamie said:


> OK...here's an issue I'm not used to dealing with and I just don't get. I took my daughter to lunch today after an eye appointment. We went to an allergy specialty place. She is gluten free and this entire store is gluten free. It's really awesome. Anyway, the entire time we were eating this man was staring at me. I even saw the moment he looked at my left hand and determined there was no ring. He was sitting next to who I assume is his wife and the whole thing just gave me the creeps.
> 
> So, we finished eating and then went to the grocery store next door to get a few things. Daughter decided she wanted to get a treat from the original place to take home so we went back in. We were standing at the display case and the guy comes up and stands right in our way!! He says to the clerk "I'm just looking" so I say "that's what we're trying to do, decide what to get" so he'd get the hint to get out of our way seeing as how he purposefully put himself between us and the case even though there was plenty of room all along the case for him to stand. He turns to me, looks me up and down with a leer, and says "I just wanted to get a look at what I know I can't eat." Then he runs his hand down my arm, smirks at me and walks away. :surprise:
> 
> What the **** was that?????? Is this how brazen people are now?? He did all this right in front of my daughter!! Is this a you're single so I can flirt thing? Or is he just an exceptional creep and my being single had nothing to do with it?
> 
> I need a shower now. Ugh.


Sorry sister, you just ran into a creep. Don't lose faith in the world! No this is not how brazen people are now, I'd actually say men are less brazen in those ways than they used to be.

You're probably too classy, but if it were me I would have jumped back and started yelling and made a huge scene. Not that this helps or anything but that's just how I would react to anyone touching me like that.

Hang in there and don't worry too much, there are creeps in the world but way more wonderful people.


----------



## Numb26

notmyjamie said:


> OK...here's an issue I'm not used to dealing with and I just don't get. I took my daughter to lunch today after an eye appointment. We went to an allergy specialty place. She is gluten free and this entire store is gluten free. It's really awesome. Anyway, the entire time we were eating this man was staring at me. I even saw the moment he looked at my left hand and determined there was no ring. He was sitting next to who I assume is his wife and the whole thing just gave me the creeps.
> 
> So, we finished eating and then went to the grocery store next door to get a few things. Daughter decided she wanted to get a treat from the original place to take home so we went back in. We were standing at the display case and the guy comes up and stands right in our way!! He says to the clerk "I'm just looking" so I say "that's what we're trying to do, decide what to get" so he'd get the hint to get out of our way seeing as how he purposefully put himself between us and the case even though there was plenty of room all along the case for him to stand. He turns to me, looks me up and down with a leer, and says "I just wanted to get a look at what I know I can't eat." Then he runs his hand down my arm, smirks at me and walks away. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_surprise.png" border="0" alt="" title="EEK! Surprise!" ></a>
> 
> What the **** was that?????? Is this how brazen people are now?? He did all this right in front of my daughter!! Is this a you're single so I can flirt thing? Or is he just an exceptional creep and my being single had nothing to do with it?
> 
> I need a shower now. Ugh.



You being single had nothing to do with it, he was a creep. Gives the rest of us men a bad name


----------



## 2&out

I've done it a few times and never any issues or regrets. Maybe it's a state of mind. Most of them were double teaming or multiples situation. I never had any deep thoughts or concerns about what someone else might be thinking or motives. 

I'd be cautious of advice from those with no experience. Do you get advice on how to race cars from people who have never done it ? Hope not. Of course not all are comfortable or want to car race - only you know that. Same here. If it doesn't feel right or you have reservations don't do it as you already have the expectation of things going south.


----------



## Faithful Wife

2&out said:


> I'd be cautious of advice from those with *no experience*. Do you get advice on how to race cars from people who have never done it ?.


So we have @FeministInPink, @ReformedHubby, @Numb26 and myself all giving him advice. All 4 of us have experience, as we have said. So who here is giving him advice with "no experience"? Sometimes it feels like you don't actually read posts you just skim them and then make assumptions.


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> So a couple of months ago I went on a date with this dude. I just saw his profile on bumble pop up again.
> 
> It was a great date, lots of chemistry, and I was looking forward to seeing him again and hopefully getting to the sex stage. We had talked some about sex and preferences, enough to be hopeful we would be a match that way. We made out a little at the bar, which felt nice. He asked me to come home with him and I said no, I said the first time I have sex with someone, it’s not going to be on a weeknight at 11 pm when I would have to jump out of bed and run home and get to bed so I can go to work. I want to take my time, have time for after snuggles and time for a second go round if it was great.
> 
> During the date he seemed fine with that and we made plans to get together the next night.
> 
> He walked me to my car and kissed me good night and said he had a lovely time.
> 
> Then when we got home he texted me and said I’ve been thinking and feel we are not a match. He said he doesn’t like “games” and that “if you’re going to talk about sex you should have sex”. Since I didn’t have sex with him on the first date, which I never said I would do!!!, then I’m just playing games.
> 
> What a ****!! I just said wow, ok bye then.
> 
> A few days later he texted and said sorry I didn’t mean to be a jerk I just don’t like games. Whatever weirdo, I didn’t respond at all. Good luck finding only girls who will **** you after knowing you for an hour. I know there’s plenty who will so go find them, asshat.
> 
> Anyway, note that he lied about his height. He is 5’10” at most. Also open minded? Really? You don’t seem open minded about someone who doesn’t do exactly what you want them to do as soon as you demand it. And KIND???
> 
> I wish I could message him and just say hey creep, be honest in your profile and say that if they don’t **** you immediately you will accuse them of playing “games”.
> 
> Idiot.


I remember you posting about this guy before. What a tool.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

notmyjamie said:


> OK...here's an issue I'm not used to dealing with and I just don't get. I took my daughter to lunch today after an eye appointment. We went to an allergy specialty place. She is gluten free and this entire store is gluten free. It's really awesome. Anyway, the entire time we were eating this man was staring at me. I even saw the moment he looked at my left hand and determined there was no ring. He was sitting next to who I assume is his wife and the whole thing just gave me the creeps.
> 
> 
> 
> So, we finished eating and then went to the grocery store next door to get a few things. Daughter decided she wanted to get a treat from the original place to take home so we went back in. We were standing at the display case and the guy comes up and stands right in our way!! He says to the clerk "I'm just looking" so I say "that's what we're trying to do, decide what to get" so he'd get the hint to get out of our way seeing as how he purposefully put himself between us and the case even though there was plenty of room all along the case for him to stand. He turns to me, looks me up and down with a leer, and says "I just wanted to get a look at what I know I can't eat." Then he runs his hand down my arm, smirks at me and walks away. :surprise:
> 
> 
> 
> What the **** was that?????? Is this how brazen people are now?? He did all this right in front of my daughter!! Is this a you're single so I can flirt thing? Or is he just an exceptional creep and my being single had nothing to do with it?
> 
> 
> 
> I need a shower now. Ugh.


Eewwww, GROSS.

Especially the unwanted touching. *throwing up in my mouth a little*

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> So I guess I’d be the “bull” in the scenario, yet I just dropped 40lbs. I hardly think of myself as a bull, lol.
> 
> I’m not going to take her up on her offer. Yes it would be nice for me to get laid, but I think the potential fallout could be something I regret.
> 
> On another note, any of you on match I have a question. I could have sworn the other night it was like $80 for 6 months. I just went to join and it is now $130. Am I wrong or do they run specials and I just have to wait? What are you all paying?


Go to RetailMeNot website and l look for a coupon code for Match. They usually have one.


----------



## notmyjamie

Numb26 said:


> You being single had nothing to do with it, he was a creep. Gives the rest of us men a bad name


I'd say he gives guys like you a leg up. It's very comforting to know that there are good men in this world...he just makes you guys look even better. Asshat.


----------



## RandomDude

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry sister, you just ran into a creep. Don't lose faith in the world! No this is not how brazen people are now, I'd actually say men are less brazen in those ways than they used to be.
> 
> You're probably too classy, but if it were me I would have jumped back and started yelling and made a huge scene. Not that this helps or anything but that's just how I would react to anyone touching me like that.
> 
> Hang in there and don't worry too much, *there are creeps in the world but way more wonderful people.*


I dunno, considering the sheer number of creeps that my girlfriend seems to encounter. We are both waiting until she graduates so she no longer has to work customer service and reception jobs. Hell a customer even complained about her "lack of service" because she didn't smile at him. I've told her that her working is completely optional for her nowadays due to all the creeps. Yet she insists on working full time (and studying full-time) for her own apparent "sanity" and independence.

Even one of her bosses now is also making inappropriate comments and she now has a VAR. She's determined to bring him down too as other women in the workplace have made complaints. Her initiative is the only thing stopping me from going after him myself. Wearing a ring has halved the amount of guys hitting on her though, even though we aren't married yet.

We can handle the majority of flirts and what nots, but some just really piss us off, the boss and the customer; the two "untouchables" who are apparently "always right". Bah! She changed three jobs to be away from all this, THREE! And one of them was even a call center, OF A BANK!


----------



## Faithful Wife

RandomDude said:


> I dunno, considering the sheer number of creeps that my girlfriend seems to encounter. We are both waiting until she graduates so she no longer has to work customer service and reception jobs. Hell a customer even complained about her "lack of service" because she didn't smile at him. I've told her that her working is completely optional for her nowadays due to all the creeps. Yet she insists on working full time (and studying full-time) for her own apparent "sanity" and independence.
> 
> Even one of her bosses now is also making inappropriate comments and she now has a VAR. She's determined to bring him down too as other women in the workplace have made complaints. Her initiative is the only thing stopping me from going after him myself. Wearing a ring has halved the amount of guys hitting on her though, even though we aren't married yet.
> 
> We can handle the majority of flirts and what nots, but some just really piss us off, the boss and the customer; the two "untouchables" who are apparently "always right". Bah! She changed three jobs to be away from all this, THREE! And one of them was even a call center, OF A BANK!


Welcome to the world women have been living with since the dawn of time. You are only now aware of it because you are so close to her. Most guys don't even believe this stuff happens because A. they don't see it first hand and B. they think we should be "flattered" by the "compliments" of being wanted so badly by men. Yep.


----------



## RandomDude

Faithful Wife said:


> Welcome to the world women have been living with since the dawn of time. You are only now aware of it because you are so close to her. Most guys don't even believe this stuff happens because A. they don't see it first hand and B. they think we should be "flattered" by the "compliments" of being wanted so badly by men. Yep.


People tolerate it when they shouldn't, and tolerance of harrassment encourages more of it as there are no consequence - and yet people are forced into tolerance when it comes to the workplace.

So oh yeah, it's f-----d alright! issed:


----------



## Faithful Wife

RandomDude said:


> People tolerate it when they shouldn't, and tolerance of harrassment encourages more of it as there are no consequence - and yet people are forced into tolerance when it comes to the workplace.
> 
> So oh yeah, it's f-----d alright! issed:


It is only recently that women have felt empowered enough to stand up to this crap. As far as tolerating it, yeah right, like we have any choice in that matter. And like if we refuse to "tolerate" it, it would suddenly stop happening. Wrong.

We can stand up to it, we can (sometimes) report it to an authority, we can strike back against it occasionally.

But I am telling you, it doesn't happen because women have "tolerated" it since the dawn of time, it happens because some men are creeps and some will always be creeps. Even if we push back against it, this will not mean there are less creeps it just means they will go underground and do these things when fewer people are looking.


----------



## Numb26

So on another thread about how a person being "Cheap" someone mentioned about dog walking as a good first date. What are some good ideas for an inexpensive first date?


----------



## RandomDude

Faithful Wife said:


> It is only recently that women have felt empowered enough to stand up to this crap. As far as tolerating it, yeah right, like we have any choice in that matter. And like if we refuse to "tolerate" it, it would suddenly stop happening. Wrong.
> 
> We can stand up to it, we can (sometimes) report it to an authority, we can strike back against it occasionally.
> 
> But I am telling you, it doesn't happen because women have "tolerated" it since the dawn of time, it happens because some men are creeps and some will always be creeps. Even if we push back against it, this will not mean there are less creeps it just means they will go underground and do these things when fewer people are looking.


It's already underground and above ground, it's everywhere already, at least getting rid of one field of battle is worth it no?

I know it's tough and I understand we can't always strike back against it. 

Though yes I am admittedly quite pissed it has to be MY girlfriend who has to take the initiative when other women in her current workplace has already had experiences with that prick and done nothing. Like ok sure, they need the job, they dont want the drama, etc etc. That's understandable, just doesn't make me less pissed off about it not to mention this guy obviously feels untouchable now since nothing has yet happened to him.

Next time he does it and my girlfriend fails to get evidence I'm tailing his schedule and confronting him in front of his wife and children.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> So on another thread about how a person being "Cheap" someone mentioned about dog walking as a good first date. What are some good ideas for an inexpensive first date?


Kinda depends. Do you mean a date with someone you met or know and you have asked them out on a date? Or do you mean like talking to someone on an app and you are going to meet up somewhere for the first time? The latter is not quite the same as a first date. It is usually a meet and greet to see if there is enough interest to go on a real date.

Meet and greet = I have a dive bar near my house which is funky and fun and that is usually where I have app people meet me for the first time. I will order 1 drink and never food, and I always split the tab or offer to (some let me and some don't). Alternatively if they don't drink or something like that, I meet them in a coffee house. Again, I get a coffee but I just pay for my own at the counter when I order. I've gone on one meet and greet at a fancy tea house. That was fun but not really my thing. The guy who invited me was all into fancy tea stuff.

First date = I would not want to walk the dogs on a first date myself. Simply because I don't feel comfortable talking and getting to know someone while walking. I would rather be sitting or standing and facing each other. So a cheap first date for me would still be just a 1 drink or coffee date, where we are facing each other at a table and talking. A not so cheap first date would be dinner at a decent restaurant. I say either go totally cheap like just a drink, or go not so cheap and get a decent meal. Don't go in between such as fast food or a diner...unless somehow the location of one of these is perfect for the situation.

Another cheap suggestion would be a bakery or pastry restaurant. Mmmmm....a lovely desert and a nice conversation.

Another one I love is ping pong! I know that it doesn't seem like a good way to get to know each other maybe, but I just love ping pong so much that I can make it work. Do you have a place like this? https://www.pipsandbounce.com/ The full price at this place is $16 for half an hour (which is plenty of time for a vigorous game!) and then you can sit and talk afterwards. There are times of the week when it is cheaper.

I don't ever want to go to a movie on a first date. How can you get to know each other?

I've had some guys who are sincerely trying to just make a good impression giving me a bunch of suggestions for a first or second date, asking me to pick one. Things like walking around in an area where we have excessive holiday lights in our area. Again, I can't really get to know someone this way, maybe it's just me. Walking doesn't promote eye contact. Third date, sure, let's go for a walk. By then I know you enough to walk and talk.

Bottom line for me...a first date or a meet and greet are light and breezy and there's no expectations. Therefore there is no expectation of going to some amazing place or having an amazing meal. The point is just to find out if you want a second date.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RandomDude said:


> It's already underground and above ground, it's everywhere already, at least getting rid of one field of battle is worth it no?
> 
> I know it's tough and I understand we can't always strike back against it.
> 
> Though yes I am admittedly quite pissed it has to be MY girlfriend who has to take the initiative when other women in her current workplace has already had experiences with that prick and done nothing. Like ok sure, they need the job, they dont want the drama, etc etc. That's understandable, just doesn't make me less pissed off about it not to mention this guy obviously feels untouchable now since nothing has yet happened to him.
> 
> Next time he does it and my girlfriend fails to get evidence I'm tailing his schedule and confronting him in front of his wife and children.


Yes of course it is worth pushing back against it anywhere we can. However your gf's creep boss guy will not stop being a creep, even if his wife leaves him. We are not going to remove the creeps from the world, ever. We can only maybe possibly shame or punish them into behaving better. Though they will still do bad things, just more and more underground whereas they used to do it openly and laugh in women's face about the fact that we couldn't do anything about it.


----------



## RandomDude

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes of course it is worth pushing back against it anywhere we can. However your gf's creep boss guy will not stop being a creep, even if his wife leaves him. We are not going to remove the creeps from the world, ever. We can only maybe possibly shame or punish them into behaving better. Though they will still do bad things, just more and more underground whereas they used to do it openly and laugh in women's face about the fact that we couldn't do anything about it.


True, sadly. Like roaches and mossies, still squish 'em whenever I can. :smthumbup:


----------



## Not

notmyjamie said:


> OK...here's an issue I'm not used to dealing with and I just don't get. I took my daughter to lunch today after an eye appointment. We went to an allergy specialty place. She is gluten free and this entire store is gluten free. It's really awesome. Anyway, the entire time we were eating this man was staring at me. I even saw the moment he looked at my left hand and determined there was no ring. He was sitting next to who I assume is his wife and the whole thing just gave me the creeps.
> 
> So, we finished eating and then went to the grocery store next door to get a few things. Daughter decided she wanted to get a treat from the original place to take home so we went back in. We were standing at the display case and the guy comes up and stands right in our way!! He says to the clerk "I'm just looking" so I say "that's what we're trying to do, decide what to get" so he'd get the hint to get out of our way seeing as how he purposefully put himself between us and the case even though there was plenty of room all along the case for him to stand. He turns to me, looks me up and down with a leer, and says "I just wanted to get a look at what I know I can't eat." Then he runs his hand down my arm, smirks at me and walks away. :surprise:
> 
> What the **** was that?????? Is this how brazen people are now?? He did all this right in front of my daughter!! Is this a you're single so I can flirt thing? Or is he just an exceptional creep and my being single had nothing to do with it?
> 
> I need a shower now. Ugh.


I would have smacked his damn hand away. He’s more than a creep, he’s a freaking pervert.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Kinda depends. Do you mean a date with someone you met or know and you have asked them out on a date? Or do you mean like talking to someone on an app and you are going to meet up somewhere for the first time? The latter is not quite the same as a first date. It is usually a meet and greet to see if there is enough interest to go on a real date.
> 
> Meet and greet = I have a dive bar near my house which is funky and fun and that is usually where I have app people meet me for the first time. I will order 1 drink and never food, and I always split the tab or offer to (some let me and some don't). Alternatively if they don't drink or something like that, I meet them in a coffee house. Again, I get a coffee but I just pay for my own at the counter when I order. I've gone on one meet and greet at a fancy tea house. That was fun but not really my thing. The guy who invited me was all into fancy tea stuff.
> 
> First date = I would not want to walk the dogs on a first date myself. Simply because I don't feel comfortable talking and getting to know someone while walking. I would rather be sitting or standing and facing each other. So a cheap first date for me would still be just a 1 drink or coffee date, where we are facing each other at a table and talking. A not so cheap first date would be dinner at a decent restaurant. I say either go totally cheap like just a drink, or go not so cheap and get a decent meal. Don't go in between such as fast food or a diner...unless somehow the location of one of these is perfect for the situation.
> 
> Another cheap suggestion would be a bakery or pastry restaurant. Mmmmm....a lovely desert and a nice conversation.
> 
> Another one I love is ping pong! I know that it doesn't seem like a good way to get to know each other maybe, but I just love ping pong so much that I can make it work. Do you have a place like this? https://www.pipsandbounce.com/ The full price at this place is $16 for half an hour (which is plenty of time for a vigorous game!) and then you can sit and talk afterwards. There are times of the week when it is cheaper.
> 
> I don't ever want to go to a movie on a first date. How can you get to know each other?
> 
> I've had some guys who are sincerely trying to just make a good impression giving me a bunch of suggestions for a first or second date, asking me to pick one. Things like walking around in an area where we have excessive holiday lights in our area. Again, I can't really get to know someone this way, maybe it's just me. Walking doesn't promote eye contact. Third date, sure, let's go for a walk. By then I know you enough to walk and talk.
> 
> Bottom line for me...a first date or a meet and greet are light and breezy and there's no expectations. Therefore there is no expectation of going to some amazing place or having an amazing meal. The point is just to find out if you want a second date.


Thank you FW. I find your posts like these very helpful, especially to us newbies! :smile2:


----------



## notmyjamie

Not said:


> I would have smacked his damn hand away. He’s more than a creep, he’s a freaking pervert.


I moved away as soon as my brain caught up to what was happening. The clerk at the counter looked shocked.


----------



## ReformedHubby

For women who are moderately attractive and above, life is pretty much like a game of whack-a-mole when it comes to unwanted attention. I haven't just experienced this vicariously through the people I have dated. I love to people watch too. The thing I see most often is guys just going out of their way to talk to an attractive woman, at inappropriate times. I'm not sure I can classify it as creepy but I'd imagine it can be annoying at times. As an example if I hire a repairman to do work in my home, chances are the convo with me will be very different than if I were an attractive woman. Also, it has to be annoying doing things as simple as going to get your oil changed, and heaven forbid you want to fly somewhere. I don't know whats in the water at airports, but an attractive woman can't just sit alone and mind her own business. Men will chat them up constantly, its odd really. I think women that travel are grateful that ear buds were invented. My girlfriend literally wears them in airports when she isn't even playing music. Sometimes we just want to get from point A to point B and live our lives without being bothered, I don't think most women have that luxury.


----------



## Lila

I got invited to my first Galintine's day (day before Valentine's) get together. I had never heard of this but I'm super excited to be hanging out with my gals. 

Anyone else doing anything fun for Valentine's/Single Awareness Day?


----------



## Livvie

My eye appointment was cancelled due to a huge storm so now I have another month before the rescheduled appointment to contemplate asking him (the doc/optometrist) on a date...


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> I got invited to my first Galintine's day (day before Valentine's) get together. I had never heard of this but I'm super excited to be hanging out with my gals.
> 
> Anyone else doing anything fun for Valentine's/Single Awareness Day?


To be honest, even when I was in relationships I’ve never put that much thought or effort into VDay. But there is a big annual dance event here which my mom was the organizer of for years and which my kids also were involved in. My mom is trying her best to be healthy enough to go to that event with my son this year. So my main focus will just be on that happening and being wonderful for her as it may be the last one she can go to.

Though we have said that every year for the past 3 years so who knows, maybe she’s got 3 more to go to!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Ok here is a head scratcher...guy’s description on his profile says:

“I’ll do anything you tell me to do. I like Star Trek”.

That’s it. 

What in the.....??? Lol


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok here is a head scratcher...guy’s description on his profile says:
> 
> “I’ll do anything you tell me to do. I like Star Trek”.
> 
> That’s it.
> 
> What in the.....??? Lol


Submissive Geek?


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok here is a head scratcher...guy’s description on his profile says:
> 
> “I’ll do anything you tell me to do. I like Star Trek”.
> 
> That’s it.
> 
> What in the.....??? Lol



Caught your attention, though?


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok here is a head scratcher...guy’s description on his profile says:
> 
> “I’ll do anything you tell me to do. I like Star Trek”.
> 
> That’s it.
> 
> What in the.....??? Lol
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Caught your attention, though? <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
Click to expand...

Ha ha! Yes only because I deliberately look for weird and outrageous profiles to screen shot for my friends. It’s entertainment. This is by far not the weirdest one I’ve seen but definitely one of the most confusing.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok here is a head scratcher...guy’s description on his profile says:
> 
> “I’ll do anything you tell me to do. I like Star Trek”.
> 
> That’s it.
> 
> What in the.....??? Lol
> 
> 
> 
> Submissive Geek?
Click to expand...

I thought maybe that was what he meant but damn, don’t say you’ll do anything someone tells you to do. Someone will end up telling you to bury a body or something!!! Lol


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok here is a head scratcher...guy’s description on his profile says:
> 
> “I’ll do anything you tell me to do. I like Star Trek”.
> 
> That’s it.
> 
> What in the.....??? Lol
> 
> 
> 
> Submissive Geek?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I thought maybe that was what he meant but damn, don’t say you’ll do anything someone tells you to do. Someone will end up telling you to bury a body or something!!! Lol
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's something you bring up second, maybe third date


----------



## Andy1001

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok here is a head scratcher...guy’s description on his profile says:
> 
> “I’ll do anything you tell me to do. I like Star Trek”.
> 
> That’s it.
> 
> What in the.....??? Lol


Send him a three word text. 
“Paint my house”.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Andy1001 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok here is a head scratcher...guy’s description on his profile says:
> 
> “I’ll do anything you tell me to do. I like Star Trek”.
> 
> That’s it.
> 
> What in the.....??? Lol
> 
> 
> 
> Send him a three word text.
> “Paint my house”.
Click to expand...

See yeah my mind was all over that kind of thing too. Dude, I’ve got so many chores for you!!!

But seriously though, there are submissives who just want to come clean your house and be treated like a servant. I have a friend who she and her girlfriend actually answered a print ad (old school!) to have a submissive guy come clean their apartment. They just thought it was hilarious the whole time and snickered about it from the other room while he was cleaning. He was all “yes mistress” to everything they asked. When he was done they kind of felt bad so they made him a sandwich. Then they sent him packing. He was still all “yes mistress, thank you mistress” and they laughed hysterically about it for months. She was laughing so hard telling me the story too. What a trip!!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Here’s one I didn’t swipe right, but I was tempted to just to ask for a pic for my gallery.

Guys, what would be the equivalent of this type of profile from a woman?


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Here’s one I didn’t swipe right, but I was tempted to just to ask for a pic for my gallery.
> 
> Guys, what would be the equivalent of this type of profile from a woman?


Duck lips and plastic boobs


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Here’s one I didn’t swipe right, but I was tempted to just to ask for a pic for my gallery.
> 
> Guys, what would be the equivalent of this type of profile from a woman?
> 
> 
> 
> Duck lips and plastic boobs
Click to expand...

But do any of them say or emoji the equivalent of an eggplant? Like talk about how tight they are or how deep they can give a bj?

These F boys hold nothing back in making sure that’s what they are here for. I was just curious how women would say the equivalent.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Here’s one I didn’t swipe right, but I was tempted to just to ask for a pic for my gallery.
> 
> Guys, what would be the equivalent of this type of profile from a woman?
> 
> 
> 
> Duck lips and plastic boobs
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> But do any of them say or emoji the equivalent of an eggplant? Like talk about how tight they are or how deep they can give a bj?
> 
> These F boys hold nothing back in making sure that’s what they are here for. I was just curious how women would say the equivalent.
Click to expand...

Only one I know of is if they are wearing a chocker on one of their pics


----------



## Faithful Wife

A choker necklace you mean? Was it like a bondage one or something?

Wow that’s not even close to the things these F boys post. I saw one that was wearing a T-shirt that said “I eat ass”.

Which I thought was gross but then thought I guess if there are some women who want their ass eaten they may appreciate it. 

Others will just outright say in their profile that they will go down on you all night, or other similar very explicit things.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> A choker necklace you mean? Was it like a bondage one or something?
> 
> Wow that’s not even close to the things these F boys post. I saw one that was wearing a T-shirt that said “I eat ass”.
> 
> Which I thought was gross but then thought I guess if there are some women who want their ass eaten they may appreciate it.
> 
> Others will just outright say in their profile that they will go down on you all night, or other similar very explicit things.


Chocker necklace is advertising that she is a BJ Queen


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Chocker necklace is advertising that she is a BJ Queen


It is? Wow, learn something new every day. Glad I don’t have any chokers, wouldn’t want to come across like I’d just bj any rando.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So I joined POF about 3 days ago. He’s my experience so far:

-one woman messaged me. She’s from RI (I’m in NY). I message back. She tells me this story that she is from England, moved to RI because of a guy she met online. After 4 months, he turned out to be married with 4 kids. She’s now down in TX staying at a “friends” house. I told her I’m looking for less drama, not more. I’m not interested is someone living 2000 miles away. Thanks but no thanks. She continues to message me telling me what she is looking for in a guy/relationship and asking my life dreams etc. WTF?

-another woman is local and seems kind of nice. However, she’s divorced and is not keen with my living situation (IHS) but we are still chatting. 

-received a message from another woman last night. Looked at her profile. It said 53 but she looks 83 in her photos. 

It’s going to be rough sledding, but I see a lot of comedy in this also.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> So I joined POF about 3 days ago. He’s my experience so far:
> 
> -one woman messaged me. She’s from RI (I’m in NY). I message back. She tells me this story that she is from England, moved to RI because of a guy she met online. After 4 months, he turned out to be married with 4 kids. She’s now down in TX staying at a “friends” house. I told her I’m looking for less drama, not more. I’m not interested is someone living 2000 miles away. Thanks but no thanks. She continues to message me telling me what she is looking for in a guy/relationship and asking my life dreams etc. WTF?
> 
> -another woman is local and seems kind of nice. However, she’s divorced and is not keen with my living situation (IHS) but we are still chatting.
> 
> -received a message from another woman last night. Looked at her profile. It said 53 but she looks 83 in her photos.
> 
> It’s going to be rough sledding, but I see a lot of comedy in this also.


Glad you can see the comedy in this! Be sure to update us with the hilarious ones.

From word from my friends who are single, POF is apparently the bottom of the barrel at least in my area. I still like bumble the best.


----------



## wilson

RebuildingMe said:


> So I joined POF about 3 days ago. He’s my experience so far:


Isn't that pretty normal for POF? I had the impression it was a site for people who like to date lots of people and whatever happens happens. If things work out, great!, but if they don't, oh well, there's always plenty of fish in the sea.


----------



## Hiner112

Numb26 said:


> Duck lips and plastic boobs


Or selfie lying on a bed biting their lip.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

Hiner112 said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Duck lips and plastic boobs
> 
> 
> 
> Or selfie lying on a bed biting their lip.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Yeah I can see that would be quite an advertisement.

Not like the F boys though apparently. F boys are just in your face with it and can be so explicit that I wonder sometimes if anyone moderates these profiles.


----------



## Faithful Wife

wilson said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> So I joined POF about 3 days ago. He’s my experience so far:
> 
> 
> 
> Isn't that pretty normal for POF? I had the impression it was a site for people who like to date lots of people and whatever happens happens. If things work out, great!, but if they don't, oh well, there's always plenty of fish in the sea.
Click to expand...

As on all dating sites, there are people who are there looking for everything from a ONS to marriage. People have the ability to state what they are looking for. Many are not there to just date anyone or everyone. Most are looking for something more solid than that. Some are there to get a piece of ass but most are not.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> So I joined POF about 3 days ago. He’s my experience so far:
> 
> -one woman messaged me. She’s from RI (I’m in NY). I message back. She tells me this story that she is from England, moved to RI because of a guy she met online. After 4 months, he turned out to be married with 4 kids. She’s now down in TX staying at a “friends” house. I told her I’m looking for less drama, not more. I’m not interested is someone living 2000 miles away. Thanks but no thanks. She continues to message me telling me what she is looking for in a guy/relationship and asking my life dreams etc. WTF?
> 
> -another woman is local and seems kind of nice. However, she’s divorced and is not keen with my living situation (IHS) but we are still chatting.
> 
> -received a message from another woman last night. Looked at her profile. It said 53 but she looks 83 in her photos.
> 
> It’s going to be rough sledding, but I see a lot of comedy in this also.



I just re-joined POF last night, I’ve used it off and on for about a year now. Lots of “bottom of the barrel” like FW says but there are some good ones mixed in. I usually last about two weeks before I give up lol! It’s all the same people.

You’ll need to watch for all the fake accounts. The men get hammered with that stuff. Women asking for money and links to porn sites and such.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> You’ll need to watch for all the fake accounts. The men get hammered with that stuff. Women asking for money and links to porn sites and such.


I haven’t seen that yet. I’m waiting from the chick from England to ask me to make her next rent payment, lol. I think, at least with POF, this is going to give me more laughs than chances to get laid. I’m okay with that too. Comedy is always welcome.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Glad you can see the comedy in this! Be sure to update us with the hilarious ones.
> 
> From word from my friends who are single, POF is apparently the bottom of the barrel at least in my area. I still like bumble the best.


I figured I’d start at the bottom and work my way up. With my current living situation, I consider myself a bottom feeder anyway, lol.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> I haven’t seen that yet. I’m waiting from the chick from England to ask me to make her next rent payment, lol. I think, at least with POF, this is going to give me more laughs than chances to get laid. I’m okay with that too. Comedy is always welcome.


I have seen some good ones on there as far as comedy goes. The best one was getting a message from a guy in prison. I want to know why he had access to a cell phone lol! Another one was a guy asking me for a ride to a casino. He couldn’t drive himself because his license was suspended! Sure, I’ll be right over lol!


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> Glad you can see the comedy in this! Be sure to update us with the hilarious ones.
> 
> 
> 
> From word from my friends who are single, POF is apparently the bottom of the barrel at least in my area. I still like bumble the best.


IMHO, POF is bottom of the barrel in my area, too.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

Not said:


> I have seen some good ones on there as far as comedy goes. The best one was getting a message from a guy in prison. I want to know why he had access to a cell phone lol! Another one was a guy asking me for a ride to a casino. He couldn’t drive himself because his license was suspended! Sure, I’ll be right over lol!


WOW. I haven't seen anything like these!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia

I have a good friend who met her husband on POF. They have been married for several years and she is happier than I've ever seen her in the 15+ years I've known her.


----------



## Not

FeministInPink said:


> WOW. I haven't seen anything like these!
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I’ve had three bizarre experiences on POF, those were two of them. The third one freaked me the hell out. I got a message from a guy, not attractive at all, and thankfully he lived quite far away so I responded to him telling him he lived to far for me. He got really upset and a conversations ensued where he insisted I had to continue talking to him, because that’s what nice people do. I told him there was no point because we wouldn’t be meeting. So he then tells me it’s because of people like me that other people go out and kill and do other things. I still have the screen shot of that conversation. He’s still on POF.


----------



## Not

Cynthia said:


> I have a good friend who met her husband on POF. They have been married for several years and she is happier than I've ever seen her in the 15+ years I've known her.



There are some good ones on POF. I’ve had some great conversations with a few of them about online dating in general and how messed up it can be but also about how it has it’s pluses. It’s stories like your friends that keep me hanging in there with POF.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> FeministInPink said:
> 
> 
> 
> WOW. I haven't seen anything like these!
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> I’ve had three bizarre experiences on POF, those were two of them. The third one freaked me the hell out. I got a message from a guy, not attractive at all, and thankfully he lived quite far away so I responded to him telling him he lived to far for me. He got really upset and a conversations ensued where he insisted I had to continue talking to him, because that’s what nice people do. I told him there was no point because we wouldn’t be meeting. So he then tells me it’s because of people like me that other people go out and kill and do other things. I still have the screen shot of that conversation. He’s still on POF.
Click to expand...

Isn’t there a way to report this to the admins of POF?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Ok I don’t know where else to post this because I’ve posted about questionable ads on TAM in the technical section before and the response was that the admins couldn’t actually prevent these ads. 

This just popped up on my mobile version of TAM. What is it you may ask? Apparently an ad for tools for manscaping. 

Unbelievably gross.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

OMG that ad is hysterical!


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok I don’t know where else to post this because I’ve posted about questionable ads on TAM in the technical section before and the response was that the admins couldn’t actually prevent these ads.
> 
> This just popped up on my mobile version of TAM. What is it you may ask? Apparently an ad for tools for manscaping.
> 
> Unbelievably gross.


Wow, so THAT happened.

Try using the Tapatalk app instead, that's what I use on my phone. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> Isn’t there a way to report this to the admins of POF?


There is a report feature but I didn’t report him at the time. He tried to message me back in October I think it was but I just blocked him.


----------



## Not

Question for the general population....how long do you keep your online dating accounts after you’ve met someone and start seeing them exclusively? And what does it mean, to you, if someone you’re seeing still has an account after a few months have passed? I’m not talking about being forgetful or procrastinating about getting it shut down. 

To me that seems like someone is keeping one foot out the door or keeping their options open. Or maybe they’re even addicted to the attention they get from that account. Why would someone choose to keep it? Or is a few months not long enough to make that kind of call? 

Also, if you found out the person you’re exclusively seeing still has an account after a few months how would you handle that/feel about that? Would it be a deal breaker?

I’m wondering if men and women view these questions differently.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> Question for the general population....how long do you keep your online dating accounts after you’ve met someone and start seeing them exclusively? And what does it mean, to you, if someone you’re seeing still has an account after a few months have passed? I’m not talking about being forgetful or procrastinating about getting it shut down.
> 
> To me that seems like someone is keeping one foot out the door or keeping their options open. Or maybe they’re even addicted to the attention they get from that account. Why would someone choose to keep it? Or is a few months not long enough to make that kind of call?
> 
> Also, if you found out the person you’re exclusively seeing still has an account after a few months how would you handle that/feel about that? Would it be a deal breaker?
> 
> I’m wondering if men and women view these questions differently.


If I'm seeing someone exclusively that means we've had "the talk" and discussed, and agreed, on what we each mean by exclusivity. My definition of exclusivity means we're shutting down our dating profiles and we're not seeking or entertaining other options. Anything short of that it is not exclusivity.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> Not said:
> 
> 
> 
> Question for the general population....how long do you keep your online dating accounts after you’ve met someone and start seeing them exclusively? And what does it mean, to you, if someone you’re seeing still has an account after a few months have passed? I’m not talking about being forgetful or procrastinating about getting it shut down.
> 
> To me that seems like someone is keeping one foot out the door or keeping their options open. Or maybe they’re even addicted to the attention they get from that account. Why would someone choose to keep it? Or is a few months not long enough to make that kind of call?
> 
> Also, if you found out the person you’re exclusively seeing still has an account after a few months how would you handle that/feel about that? Would it be a deal breaker?
> 
> I’m wondering if men and women view these questions differently.
> 
> 
> 
> If I'm seeing someone exclusively that means we've had "the talk" and discussed, and agreed, on what we each mean by exclusivity. My definition of exclusivity means we're shutting down our dating profiles and we're not seeking or entertaining other options. Anything short of that it is not exclusivity.
Click to expand...

Same.

Once we say let’s be exclusive I shut down my profiles. 

I’m not sure what I would do if I discovered later that he still had his active. I guess I would break up with him?


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> Question for the general population....how long do you keep your online dating accounts after you’ve met someone and start seeing them exclusively? And what does it mean, to you, if someone you’re seeing still has an account after a few months have passed? I’m not talking about being forgetful or procrastinating about getting it shut down.
> 
> To me that seems like someone is keeping one foot out the door or keeping their options open. Or maybe they’re even addicted to the attention they get from that account. Why would someone choose to keep it? Or is a few months not long enough to make that kind of call?
> 
> Also, if you found out the person you’re exclusively seeing still has an account after a few months how would you handle that/feel about that? Would it be a deal breaker?
> 
> I’m wondering if men and women view these questions differently.


I turned my profile off, but kept my account active.


----------



## RebuildingMe

the whole online dating thing has me amazed. I didn’t even thing about when to “shut it off” and who does that first. 

I did finally get my long awaited tattoo today in memory of my dad. Feels kind of freeing in a way. Like I didn’t need to run it by anyone first.


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> If I'm seeing someone exclusively that means we've had "the talk" and discussed, and agreed, on what we each mean by exclusivity. My definition of exclusivity means we're shutting down our dating profiles and we're not seeking or entertaining other options. Anything short of that it is not exclusivity.


I see it the same way but I’m finding out not everyone sees it the same way. This really has me questioning what integrity and loyalty mean to people in the online dating world. 



Faithful Wife said:


> Same.
> 
> Once we say let’s be exclusive I shut down my profiles.
> 
> I’m not sure what I would do if I discovered later that he still had his active. I guess I would break up with him?


You’re not sure? Is it because you’re not sure what it would all mean to him? 



attheend02 said:


> I turned my profile off, but kept my account active.


Do you mean you hid your profile? Can I ask why you kept the account? Was it because you had doubts? Or didn’t quite trust that things would work out?


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> I see it the same way but I’m finding out not everyone sees it the same way. This really has me questioning what integrity and loyalty mean to people in the online dating world.
> 
> 
> 
> You’re not sure? Is it because you’re not sure what it would all mean to him?
> 
> 
> 
> Do you mean you hid your profile? Can I ask why you kept the account? *Was it because you had doubts? Or didn’t quite trust that things would work out?*


Both. I guess I never really believed that it would be a long term relationship. We were really far apart from a background perspective.

We were exclusive and enjoyed each other's company, though.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> I see it the same way but I’m finding out not everyone sees it the same way. This really has me questioning what integrity and loyalty mean to people in the online dating world.


I think if you've had the discussion, you've both agreed on the terms of exclusivity, and he breaks those terms then you have every right to question their integrity and loyalty. I wouldn't continue to date someone who did this to me because it shows they lack specific character traits I want in a partner.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Perhaps I am odd, but when I was using OLD apps. I would often shut my profile down a lot. Even if I wasn't exclusive. Pretty much anytime I found someone attractive and enjoyed there conversation I would focus most of my attention on them until it either was a match or it wasn't. Its not like I was putting all of my eggs in one basket. I would only do this if they were paying a lot of attention to me too. The reason for it was because I found that if I was messaging multiple women, I couldn't even keep up with their lives, and I was probably a lot less interesting to them too. With kids, work etc., it was unrealistic for me be engaging, witty, and just flirty enough but not pervy to more than one woman at a time. So for me I would shut mine down out of respect even without exclusivity. I don't feel like I missed out on anything by doing that, I would go on first dates fairly quickly after messaging started. I guess I felt like doing it this way allowed me to really get to know people and give them a good look before moving on.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> I see it the same way but I’m finding out not everyone sees it the same way. This really has me questioning what integrity and loyalty mean to people in the online dating world.
> 
> 
> 
> You’re not sure? Is it because you’re not sure what it would all mean to him?
> 
> 
> 
> Do you mean you hid your profile? Can I ask why you kept the account? Was it because you had doubts? Or didn’t quite trust that things would work out?


I’m not sure because it hasn’t happened to me so I don’t know how I would feel. I mean, if I saw him on there wouldn’t that mean I was still on there too? So I can’t really imagine what the scenario would be.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> I’m not sure because it hasn’t happened to me so I don’t know how I would feel. I mean, if I saw him on there wouldn’t that mean I was still on there too? So I can’t really imagine what the scenario would be.


This happened to one of my co-workers over the weekend. She let it slip that she still has her account so he questioned her. Her response was that the account is hidden so it shouldn’t matter. Now he doesn’t trust her but is confused. He says she seemed genuine with her response. She’s much younger than he is and I can’t help but feel that plays a role in how she thinks/views this. 

I’d dump a guy. If the account is hidden and not being used then what’s the point of keeping it in a committed relationship? To me there is no valid reason.


----------



## Not

ReformedHubby said:


> Perhaps I am odd, but when I was using OLD apps. I would often shut my profile down a lot. Even if I wasn't exclusive. Pretty much anytime I found someone attractive and enjoyed there conversation I would focus most of my attention on them until it either was a match or it wasn't. Its not like I was putting all of my eggs in one basket. I would only do this if they were paying a lot of attention to me too. The reason for it was because I found that if I was messaging multiple women, I couldn't even keep up with their lives, and I was probably a lot less interesting to them too. With kids, work etc., it was unrealistic for me be engaging, witty, and just flirty enough but not pervy to more than one woman at a time. So for me I would shut mine down out of respect even without exclusivity. I don't feel like I missed out on anything by doing that, I would go on first dates fairly quickly after messaging started. I guess I felt like doing it this way allowed me to really get to know people and give them a good look before moving on.



That’s exactly how I do things also. I do it because it just feels trashy otherwise. It’s respectful and like you say, allows us to really give the person a good honest look.


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> Both. I guess I never really believed that it would be a long term relationship. We were really far apart from a background perspective.
> 
> We were exclusive and enjoyed each other's company, though.


Thanks for answering. That’s what I suspected. Doubts were present from the start.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> This happened to one of my co-workers over the weekend. She let it slip that she still has her account so he questioned her. Her response was that the account is hidden so it shouldn’t matter. Now he doesn’t trust her but is confused. He says she seemed genuine with her response. She’s much younger than he is and I can’t help but feel that plays a role in how she thinks/views this.
> 
> I’d dump a guy. If the account is hidden and not being used then what’s the point of keeping it in a committed relationship? To me there is no valid reason.


Hmmm...I guess it would not bother me if they had their profile only hidden versus deleted all together. At least for the first few weeks of exclusivity. I would expect to delete them altogether once we have moved past the initial stages where you are still figuring out if you are right for each other.

I think in the first couple of weeks of exclusivity it is only fair to focus on each other, not go swiping, definitely not seek out other dates. I definitely do not keep swiping or talking to other guys in that stage. But my profile is hidden, not deleted. I will delete it once I know we want to proceed beyond that.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Thinking a little more on this...there was a guy I was in a relationship with (we ended up together for about a year) who had some trust issues because his exwife had cheated on him in a very devastating way. I was gentle with him about the trust issues as I could understand this. I knew he was very into me and was becoming invested in me very quickly. One time we got to talking about ok cupid as that was where we had met. We were actually reminiscing about it, like going back over what our profiles said that had attracted us to each other. I had screen shots of our original PM's and we were looking over them and coochie cooing about how cute we were.

Then he said something like "the only time I've been back on there was to see if YOU were still on there".

That did kind of bug me. I definitely had not been back on there at all. I understood his fears of being cheated on and trust issues. But in the back of my mind I was like, but I'm sure while you were there you also checked your matches and saw if you had any new messages, etc. It felt kind of icky to me.

I didn't say anything just kind of left it alone. But after that I did always kind of wonder if he was still checking it with the "excuse" of "seeing if I was on there".


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmm...I guess it would not bother me if they had their profile only hidden versus deleted all together. At least for the first few weeks of exclusivity. I would expect to delete them altogether once we have moved past the initial stages where you are still figuring out if you are right for each other.
> 
> I think in the first couple of weeks of exclusivity it is only fair to focus on each other, not go swiping, definitely not seek out other dates. I definitely do not keep swiping or talking to other guys in that stage. But my profile is hidden, not deleted. I will delete it once I know we want to proceed beyond that.


I’m the same way. My account was hidden while I was dating B but once he asked me to be his GF I deleted the account.

This couple had already announced their “official status” on Facebook and all that so the existing account is a red flag, at least to me it is. My co-worker, the male, is in for a ride. She’s much younger with four small children, no car etc. He’s in his 50’s with adult children, established etc. She’s absolutely gorgeous, him not so much. Everyone but him can see what’s coming and I don’t want to open my big mouth that’s just raring to let some words fly.

This all did get me to thinking though. I don’t like the online dating culture and all of the rudeness/callousness that seems to be built in and I wonder if this is another aspect to that uncaring culture.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> Thinking a little more on this...there was a guy I was in a relationship with (we ended up together for about a year) who had some trust issues because his exwife had cheated on him in a very devastating way. I was gentle with him about the trust issues as I could understand this. I knew he was very into me and was becoming invested in me very quickly. One time we got to talking about ok cupid as that was where we had met. We were actually reminiscing about it, like going back over what our profiles said that had attracted us to each other. I had screen shots of our original PM's and we were looking over them and coochie cooing about how cute we were.
> 
> Then he said something like "the only time I've been back on there was to see if YOU were still on there".
> 
> That did kind of bug me. I definitely had not been back on there at all. I understood his fears of being cheated on and trust issues. But in the back of my mind I was like, but I'm sure while you were there you also checked your matches and saw if you had any new messages, etc. It felt kind of icky to me.
> 
> I didn't say anything just kind of left it alone. But after that I did always kind of wonder if he was still checking it with the "excuse" of "seeing if I was on there".


That would feel icky. B had a habit of telling me when any females from previous dates would contact him. In the spirit of being open and honest he said. It felt icky everytime and I couldn’t help but wonder if he liked it for the attention. Like you I never said anything. If that happens with any future boyfriends they’ll be informed that I’d rather commit to someone who has zero interest in answering any of those calls.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> This couple had already announced their “official status” on Facebook and all that so the existing account is a red flag, at least to me it is. My co-worker, the male, is in for a ride. She’s much younger with four small children, no car etc. He’s in his 50’s with adult children, established etc. She’s absolutely gorgeous, him not so much. Everyone but him can see what’s coming and I don’t want to open my big mouth that’s just raring to let some words fly.


I kind of think if people are going to be self deluded about this kind of thing, they need to learn the lessons from it by experiencing the fall off cloud 9.


----------



## RebuildingMe

What is the time from from talking to meeting? Is it just a feel? I’ve been taking to this woman for about a week now. Only texts, no phone calls. Hundreds of texts. Is it about time we meet? She’s a little skeptical and I understand why. She’s been divorced for 10 years, lives on her own. I am separated in IHS and still live with my stbx. So I understand her concerns. I was just wondering what the time frame generally is. Also, would you meet someone you haven’t spoke to in person? Is that odd? 

I think her main concern is she knows what she wants, but she also knows I’m freshly out there and she doesn’t want to get hurt. She says she generally avoids men who are separated or newly divorced because they often don’t know what they want. I guess I can buy that.


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> I think her main concern is she knows what she wants, but she also knows I’m freshly out there and she doesn’t want to get hurt. She says she generally avoids men who are separated or newly divorced because they often don’t know what they want. I guess I can buy that.


I'm separated and not yet divorced. I can confirm that I have no idea what I want. I also haven't talked to anyone yet either. I have one example of what I don't want and that's really about it. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> What is the time from from talking to meeting? Is it just a feel? I’ve been taking to this woman for about a week now. Only texts, no phone calls. Hundreds of texts. Is it about time we meet? She’s a little skeptical and I understand why. She’s been divorced for 10 years, lives on her own. I am separated in IHS and still live with my stbx. So I understand her concerns. I was just wondering what the time frame generally is. Also, would you meet someone you haven’t spoke to in person? Is that odd?
> 
> 
> 
> I think her main concern is she knows what she wants, but she also knows I’m freshly out there and she doesn’t want to get hurt. She says she generally avoids men who are separated or newly divorced because they often don’t know what they want. I guess I can buy that.




At least move it to a phone call.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> What is the time from from talking to meeting? Is it just a feel? I’ve been taking to this woman for about a week now. Only texts, no phone calls. Hundreds of texts. Is it about time we meet? She’s a little skeptical and I understand why. She’s been divorced for 10 years, lives on her own. I am separated in IHS and still live with my stbx. So I understand her concerns. I was just wondering what the time frame generally is. Also, would you meet someone you haven’t spoke to in person? Is that odd?
> 
> I think her main concern is she knows what she wants, but she also knows I’m freshly out there and she doesn’t want to get hurt. She says she generally avoids men who are separated or newly divorced because they often don’t know what they want. I guess I can buy that.


To be completely honest, I think you should let this one move on without meeting.

You are going to have to go through at least one rebound. She doesn’t deserve to be that. She knows what she wants and you aren’t going to be able to be that for her. 

There are plenty of women who also aren’t ready for a deeper commitment. Find one of those. 

As for when to meet if we aren’t talking about this one, typically I will text or chat for a few days. I’m doing this to see if any red flags pop up. If none do and we still seem to be enjoying our conversations after a few days and if he hasn’t suggested meeting yet, I will suggest it.

Sometimes they ghost at that point and you just have to assume they weren’t actually ready no matter what they may have been saying leading up to that. Or I assume they were also chatting with others and liked another one better. Either way is fine. I take it as a blessing in disguise when someone disappears.

If they say cool yes let’s meet, we arrange a short easy peasy type of meet up and go from there.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> To be completely honest, I think you should let this one move on without meeting.
> 
> You are going to have to go through at least one rebound. She doesn’t deserve to be that. She knows what she wants and you aren’t going to be able to be that for her.
> 
> There are plenty of women who also aren’t ready for a deeper commitment. Find one of those.
> 
> As for when to meet if we aren’t talking about this one, typically I will text or chat for a few days. I’m doing this to see if any red flags pop up. If none do and we still seem to be enjoying our conversations after a few days and if he hasn’t suggested meeting yet, I will suggest it.
> 
> Sometimes they ghost at that point and you just have to assume they weren’t actually ready no matter what they may have been saying leading up to that. Or I assume they were also chatting with others and liked another one better. Either way is fine. I take it as a blessing in disguise when someone disappears.
> 
> If they say cool yes let’s meet, we arrange a short easy peasy type of meet up and go from there.


I completely understand what you are saying. However, selfishly, I guess, I feel the need to get out there as well. I often agree with you, FW. However, I think I might meet this one. I need confidence, don’t I? Is it that selfish? I mean she’s been dating for 10 years and she’s 49. She should be able to make up her own mind. Playing devil’s advocate here...


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> To be completely honest, I think you should let this one move on without meeting.
> 
> You are going to have to go through at least one rebound. She doesn’t deserve to be that. She knows what she wants and you aren’t going to be able to be that for her.
> 
> There are plenty of women who also aren’t ready for a deeper commitment. Find one of those.
> 
> As for when to meet if we aren’t talking about this one, typically I will text or chat for a few days. I’m doing this to see if any red flags pop up. If none do and we still seem to be enjoying our conversations after a few days and if he hasn’t suggested meeting yet, I will suggest it.
> 
> Sometimes they ghost at that point and you just have to assume they weren’t actually ready no matter what they may have been saying leading up to that. Or I assume they were also chatting with others and liked another one better. Either way is fine. I take it as a blessing in disguise when someone disappears.
> 
> If they say cool yes let’s meet, we arrange a short easy peasy type of meet up and go from there.
> 
> 
> 
> I completely understand what you are saying. However, selfishly, I guess, I feel the need to get out there as well. I often agree with you, FW. However, I think I might meet this one. I need confidence, don’t I? Is it that selfish? I mean she’s been dating for 10 years and she’s 49. She should be able to make up her own mind. Playing devil’s advocate here...
Click to expand...

Of course! Do as you will, it was just my take on the situation. Let us know what happens.


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> To be completely honest, I think you should let this one move on without meeting.
> 
> You are going to have to go through at least one rebound. She doesn’t deserve to be that. She knows what she wants and you aren’t going to be able to be that for her.
> 
> There are plenty of women who also aren’t ready for a deeper commitment. Find one of those.
> 
> As for when to meet if we aren’t talking about this one, typically I will text or chat for a few days. I’m doing this to see if any red flags pop up. If none do and we still seem to be enjoying our conversations after a few days and if he hasn’t suggested meeting yet, I will suggest it.
> 
> Sometimes they ghost at that point and you just have to assume they weren’t actually ready no matter what they may have been saying leading up to that. Or I assume they were also chatting with others and liked another one better. Either way is fine. I take it as a blessing in disguise when someone disappears.
> 
> If they say cool yes let’s meet, we arrange a short easy peasy type of meet up and go from there.





RebuildingMe said:


> I completely understand what you are saying. However, selfishly, I guess, I feel the need to get out there as well. I often agree with you, FW. However, I think I might meet this one. I need confidence, don’t I? Is it that selfish? I mean she’s been dating for 10 years and she’s 49. She should be able to make up her own mind. Playing devil’s advocate here...


 @RebuildingMe What @Faithful Wife is saying is spot-on. There is a reason that women who have been divorced for more than a minute--like the woman in question--avoid dating men who are separated, and @Faithful Wife has spelled it out for you.

This woman has already told you that she is skeptical about you, and it's because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR PRACTICE ROUND.

Get your confidence from someone who doesn't want anything serious. Date women who are also recently separated, or who explicitly say they only want something casual.

My personal opinion is that unless a divorce is a knock-down, drag-out fight that is taking years, it's the best idea to wait until the divorce is finalized to begin dating.

I bring this up because dating takes a big investment of time and energy, spent in an attempt to gain confidence from an external source. Seeking external validation is a never ending quest. That time and energy would be better spent focusing on yourself, and work on building your confidence internally and learn how to validate yourself. Work on becoming the best version of yourself so when you DO start dating, you know you're a catch and you can make better choices.

And BTW, yes, it IS selfish to use someone else to build up your own confidence when you know they want more than you can offer.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

I don’t want to ever be married again. So I specifically avoid dating people who are looking for that. I wouldn’t be able to live with knowing I was deceiving them, nor knowing that ultimately I was going to hurt them. It just doesn’t feel good at all to hurt people.

I guess maybe you have to have the experience of hurting someone before you realize how horrible it feels. Before that it may seem like why deny myself being with this great person if they want to be with me. They are so hot, interesting or whatever, and I want to have sex with them or experience their fun lifestyle, or whatever. But after you hurt someone and see the look in their eyes or see how crushed their spirit is, then you’re like ugh how could I have been so selfish?

Rebuilding, I am just sharing. It’s not only her that could get hurt, it’s you too. Because when you look back on it, you’ll see you did have the choice to just leave it alone and could have avoided both of you being hurt.

Having said all that, who knows? Maybe somehow it will work out. Stranger things have happened. Maybe she’s your new wife.

I doubt it but do what you think is best. Hopefully not just what’s best for you, though.


----------



## RebuildingMe

We have tentative plans to meet tonight after work. I am going to be totally honest with her. She already knows my situation and that I was married twice. We haven’t talked about what we are looking for, but I will tell her tonight that I’m not looking for my next wife. I will give her the chance to back away. Maybe she’s not looking for a husband either? Maybe we don’t even like each other and it’s all moot? Lol


----------



## heartsbeating

@FeministInPink ...for me, this thread is like playing jump-rope... waiting for a good time to ...1...2...3...JUMP IN!

Seems many here are really skipping their way through 2020, navigating being single, or perhaps working out their pace and time. 

So while I am not single, I do appreciate the shout-out on the first page. 
I won't have much to contribute but I do hope to hear about more karaoke adventures, and if there's costumes, even better! 
Have fun, all!


----------



## notmyjamie

It’s funny how many people do the rebound thing. When I first met my boyfriend he had reservations about me because he was worried he’d end up just being my rebound guy. I’ve never had a rebound guy. When a relationship ends I spend time healing and I don’t start dating again until I’m done mourning my loss of the previous relationship. I spent the two years prior to actually leaving mourning the loss of what I thought my marriage was. He decided I sounded sincere enough that he would take a chance. We’ve been together 9 months now so I’m hoping he’s glad he took that chance.

I’ve been someone’s rebound girl but I was too young to know it until it was too late. It hurt like hell which is why I don’t do the rebound thing.


----------



## Faithful Wife

notmyjamie said:


> It’s funny how many people do the rebound thing. When I first met my boyfriend he had reservations about me because he was worried he’d end up just being my rebound guy. I’ve never had a rebound guy. When a relationship ends I spend time healing and I don’t start dating again until I’m done mourning my loss of the previous relationship. I spent the two years prior to actually leaving mourning the loss of what I thought my marriage was. He decided I sounded sincere enough that he would take a chance. We’ve been together 9 months now so I’m hoping he’s glad he took that chance.
> 
> I’ve been someone’s rebound girl but I was too young to know it until it was too late. It hurt like hell which is why I don’t do the rebound thing.


Jamie, I think you are an outlier and most people don't just find a great next committed long term partner right out of the gate. Sort of like when people marry their first and only true love and stay together forever happily, those people don't sometimes see that it can be the luck of the draw and not their own choice or personality that caused such good fate or that caused others not to have such a love story.

I think most people can say they don't or won't do the rebound thing yet it still happens all the time. Most of us don't get as lucky as you. :wink2:


----------



## notmyjamie

Faithful Wife said:


> Jamie, I think you are an outlier and most people don't just find a great next committed long term partner right out of the gate. Sort of like when people marry their first and only true love and stay together forever happily, those people don't sometimes see that it can be the luck of the draw and not their own choice or personality that caused such good fate or that caused others not to have such a love story.
> 
> I think most people can say they don't or won't do the rebound thing yet it still happens all the time. Most of us don't get as lucky as you. :wink2:



Funny...after all I’ve been through I don’t think of myself as lucky. But I get what you’re saying. I was more talking about people who do the rebound thing on purpose. Jumping into something because you think you’re ready but not realizing you’re making a bad choice is not really the same to me. I’ve known quite a few people who chose rebound people on purpose.


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## Faithful Wife

Random story....the guy who was MY rebound guy after my divorce, he told me his rebound story filled with shame and regret. He said after his divorce, the first woman he dated was wonderful, she was perfect, they fit together magically in all ways. She more or less moved in with him and they were together for 2 years.

Then after the 2 years he realized he just had not healed yet from his divorce, that he didn't have any time to reflect in between relationships, and that he had apparently fallen in love more out of limerence and new relationship energy than out of actual deeper feelings for this woman. He then had to break her heart by ending things. He said it devastated her and he felt horrible but he knew he had to do it, it would have been worse to continue knowing he wasn't actually in love with her.

So when I met him and he knew he was my first relationship after D, he knew immediately what was in store for him. He forgave me in advance and said this is probably what he gets for doing that to her.

And yes, it did end and yes we were both sad. I don't think either of us were as sad as his rebound lady though.


----------



## Faithful Wife

notmyjamie said:


> Funny...after all I’ve been through I don’t think of myself as lucky. But I get what you’re saying. I was more talking about people who do the rebound thing on purpose. Jumping into something because you think you’re ready but not realizing you’re making a bad choice is not really the same to me. *I’ve known quite a few people who chose rebound people on purpose*.


:surprise:

What do they actually say? I can't really picture what this would even look like.


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> :surprise:
> 
> What do they actually say? I can't really picture what this would even look like.


I imagine people who choose rebounders know the score, and they're not looking for a husband or wife, just something for now, and they know that's what they're going to get with a rebounder.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

Faithful Wife said:


> :surprise:
> 
> What do they actually say? I can't really picture what this would even look like.


"I'm just with him until Mr Right comes along." or "I'm with her to have some fun until it's not fun anymore" etc. When I ask if the other person is aware of their attitude they usually say no. One guy said "no, she'll figure it out when I stop calling." *******.


----------



## Numb26

FeministInPink said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_surprise.png" border="0" alt="" title="EEK! Surprise!" ></a>
> 
> What do they actually say? I can't really picture what this would even look like.
> 
> 
> 
> I imagine people who choose rebounders know the score, and they're not looking for a husband or wife, just something for now, and they know that's what they're going to get with a rebounder.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Refuse to do the "rebound" thing


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> I completely understand what you are saying. However, selfishly, I guess, I feel the need to get out there as well. I often agree with you, FW. However, I think I might meet this one. I need confidence, don’t I? Is it that selfish? I mean she’s been dating for 10 years and she’s 49. She should be able to make up her own mind. Playing devil’s advocate here...



I originally was going to tell you to cut her loose (maybe I did, can't remember if I posted).

But if she is willing to meet you, then do it.

Not all first relationships are rebounds. Its entirely possible that someone who might have been a rebound relationship becomes a lifelong companion. Maybe they help you figure out what you are looking for.

Crap relationships can happen no matter what the previous circumstances are.

Somebody has to be the first, right?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Refuse to do the "rebound" thing


I don't know how to avoid it? The first relationship you have after the split and possibly a couple next ones are rebounds. Though a rebound *can* turn into a real thing. But it usually doesn't. 

I guess the only way to avoid it would be to not date other than extremely casually for a year or so first.


----------



## Faithful Wife

This was an interesting article and explains a bit about Jamie's new relationship and why it is working so well. 

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/healthy-rebound-relationships/2025781


----------



## FeministInPink

notmyjamie said:


> "I'm just with him until Mr Right comes along." or "I'm with her to have some fun until it's not fun anymore" etc. When I ask if the other person is aware of their attitude they usually say no. One guy said "no, she'll figure it out when I stop calling." *******.


These people are selfish *******s. It's fine to have that attitude, but it is NOT ok to not disclose it to the person they are using to "have fun." It's dishonest and misleading... the other person might be falling hard, and is going to get hurt in the end. It can be traumatic for the person on the receiving end.

There is nothing wrong with a casual, no-strings-attached relationship, as long as both parties have CONSENTED. A casual relationship can be a great thing, and it can be healthy, as long as both parties know and have agreed on that. But it is incredibly unfair and selfish to go into something knowing from the get-go that you're going to ghost the other person when it gets serious, and they have no idea. It's cruel, actually.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't know how to avoid it? The first relationship you have after the split and possibly a couple next ones are rebounds. Though a rebound *can* turn into a real thing. But it usually doesn't.
> 
> I guess the only way to avoid it would be to not date other than extremely casually for a year or so first.


That's pretty much what I meant when I said I don't do the rebound thing. I don't start to date until I'm sure I am healthy enough to be ready to handle a new relationship and to choose wisely. How many times has someone picked the exact opposite of their ex and overlooked all kinds of other problems as long as he/she is nothing like the ex? If you're well healed from your breakup you don't feel the need to do that and you have a clearer head for making choices in new relationships. That's not to say everything will definitely work out, but it won't be as likely to fall apart as quickly as a rebound thing usually does.


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> This was an interesting article and explains a bit about Jamie's new relationship and why it is working so well.
> 
> https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/healthy-rebound-relationships/2025781


Interesting article....

I think that in my case I have not done the comparison thing. I believe me and my ex were long out of love.

That doesn't mean that I don't have insecurities after 28 years of being with the same person, though.

My issue has been more closely related to not knowing what I want out of life at 52.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Yes I guess for people like atthend and jamie, who were out of love when they began dating, things can go smoother and have a higher likelihood of working out.

For people like me and Numb26 (who is not out of love with his wife yet even though she did such horrible things, the rug was pulled out from under him, nothing that happened was under his control), we have to work through some stuff first. For me, that meant dating some people but knowing not to get attached to them at all and knowing to tell him upfront I wasn't ever going to attach to them because I had too much inner work to do still.

The above is stuff I read in the article.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes I guess for people like atthend and jamie, who were out of love when they began dating, things can go smoother and have a higher likelihood of working out.
> 
> For people like me and Numb26 (who is not out of love with his wife yet even though she did such horrible things, the rug was pulled out from under him, nothing that happened was under his control), we have to work through some stuff first. For me, that meant dating some people but knowing not to get attached to them at all and knowing to tell him upfront I wasn't ever going to attach to them because I had too much inner work to do still.
> 
> The above is stuff I read in the article. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>


Lots of inner work to do here before I can even consider starting dating again. I am not in a good place to provide anyone a stable dating relationship.
It is alright though, I have my hands full with the kids and their issues right now to even worry about my own needs. I guess as long as I have my sanity I should be happy, right?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Lots of inner work to do here before I can even consider starting dating again. I am not in a good place to provide anyone a stable dating relationship.
> It is alright though, I have my hands full with the kids and their issues right now to even worry about my own needs. I guess as long as I have my sanity* I should be happy*, right?


No. It's alright to be sad. Things are sad right now. 

In fact I think if we can't be sad for a bit, we can't really get through it.


----------



## notmyjamie

Faithful Wife said:


> No. It's alright to be sad. Things are sad right now.
> 
> In fact I think if we can't be sad for a bit, we can't really get through it.


I agree completely. @Numb26 you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel. After all you’ve been through you deserve at least that...to be free to be angry, sad, disillusioned, confused, angry again, etc. and not have to hide yourself. What I’ve learned in my time is that if we try to bury our feelings now they will come back to haunt us much worse and more destructively later. 

I spent two years feeling all kinds of things about my situation and thinking I’d never heal from that damage. But I can honestly say that I feel almost all healed now. It sucked royally while I was doing it but it was worth it believe me.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I am not sure of all the rebound talk. My wife cheated on me over 3 years ago. That’s the day my M ended. I’ve been in limbo and IC for almost 2 years. In my mind and in my heart, I have moved on. The only reason it took so long to D was because I was already in court from wife #1 and couldn’t have two court battles going at the same time. Emotionally or financially. I’m not out to hurt anyone, myself included.


----------



## Numb26

notmyjamie said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> No. It's alright to be sad. Things are sad right now. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/frown.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a>
> 
> In fact I think if we can't be sad for a bit, we can't really get through it.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree completely. @Numb26 you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel. After all you’ve been through you deserve at least that...to be free to be angry, sad, disillusioned, confused, angry again, etc. and not have to hide yourself. What I’ve learned in my time is that if we try to bury our feelings now they will come back to haunt us much worse and more destructively later.
> 
> I spent two years feeling all kinds of things about my situation and thinking I’d never heal from that damage. But I can honestly say that I feel almost all healed now. It sucked royally while I was doing it but it was worth it believe me.
Click to expand...

Been going through the whole range of emotions since yesterday. I am trying not to bury anything, just letting things flow as they come


----------



## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> And BTW, yes, it IS selfish to use someone else to build up your own confidence when you know they want more than you can offer.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Comments like this just get to me. I’m not using anyone. I don’t even know what she is looking for? She reached out to me knowing I was separated. I told her my entire history, two wives and five kids, yet she still wanted to meet me. Am I the bad guy? She’s skeptical, but pursued. Yes after 15 years out of the dating scene I’d like to date. I’m not targeting vulnerable women. Am I supposed to back off because we might be looking for different things? I’m confused.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> FeministInPink said:
> 
> 
> 
> And BTW, yes, it IS selfish to use someone else to build up your own confidence when you know they want more than you can offer.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> Comments like this just get to me. I’m not using anyone. I don’t even know what she is looking for? She reached out to me knowing I was separated. I told her my entire history, two wives and five kids, yet she still wanted to meet me. Am I the bad guy? She’s skeptical, but pursued. Yes after 15 years out of the dating scene I’d like to date. I’m not targeting vulnerable women. Am I supposed to back off because we might be looking for different things? I’m confused.
Click to expand...

I thought you said she knows what she wants? That made me think she must have told you what she wants?

Did you meet her tonight?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> I thought you said she knows what she wants? That made me think she must have told you what she wants?
> 
> Did you meet her tonight?


Yes, we met tonight and had dinner. Well, I did at least. It was nice. Just adult talk for an hour while her daughter was in gymnastics. She talked about her life and I did as well. I didn’t sense any sexual chemistry and gave her a hug and a kiss goodbye. She has been texting me all night thanking me for meeting her. I think she’s into me. Our thoughts about what we want didn’t come up. If and when it does, I plan to tell her I’m not looking for a wife. I don’t think I will be ever be looking for a wife again. She is Jewish, I’m not. I didn’t know and told her that. She said she knew I wasn’t. Not sure what to make of all of that. She also let me know her three kids are adopted. She never had kids of her own. 

It was nice to have a conversation that didn’t begin with “how was school today?” with no reply. Lol.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Why would you continue talking to her if you didn’t feel any chemistry? Are you trying to pursue this just as a friendship?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RebuildingMe

3Xnocharm said:


> Why would you continue talking to her if you didn’t feel any chemistry? Are you trying to pursue this just as a friendship?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I’m on the fence. I’m not pursuing anything at this point. If anything, she is pursuing me. She’s knows my story. She is cool to talk with. Based upon some comments and responses from her, she’s not very sexual which is a big negative for me.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Let me give a couple of examples:

She asked for a recent photo the other day. I took one and sent it to her. I said it was this one or a photo of me getting into the shower shirtless (I explained I was looking to see if I saw my abs and that's why I took it), but I was in my underwear and didn't think it was appropriate. I would have loved for her to tell me to send it anyway. Instead she said "thanks for not sending that one".

In talking to her tonight and meeting her for the first time, she let it be known that her and her ex husband had sex once every six months before they got divorced.

Two MAJOR red flags for me.


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Comments like this just get to me. I’m not using anyone. I don’t even know what she is looking for? She reached out to me knowing I was separated. I told her my entire history, two wives and five kids, yet she still wanted to meet me. Am I the bad guy? She’s skeptical, but pursued. Yes after 15 years out of the dating scene I’d like to date. I’m not targeting vulnerable women. Am I supposed to back off because we might be looking for different things? I’m confused.


If you're dating people to get validation and confidence, then that IS using them. You made a comment about how dating is a way to get back your confidence. I was responding to that comment.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Let me give a couple of examples:
> 
> 
> 
> She asked for a recent photo the other day. I took one and sent it to her. I said it was this one or a photo of me getting into the shower shirtless (I explained I was looking to see if I saw my abs and that's why I took it), but I was in my underwear and didn't think it was appropriate. I would have loved for her to tell me to send it anyway. Instead she said "thanks for not sending that one".
> 
> 
> 
> In talking to her tonight and meeting her for the first time, she let it be known that her and her ex husband had sex once every six months before they got divorced.
> 
> 
> 
> Two MAJOR red flags for me.


Those aren't necessarily red flags. 

It is perfectly reasonable that she didn't want a pic of a man she barely knows in just his underwear. That doesn't necessarily mean she is low drive. I'm very high drive, but I've found that I have to put on the brakes with a lot of guys when it comes to online dating so I can weed out the ones who are just looking for a quick lay. I'm looking to make a connection with someone that is more than just sex, and it is very attractive/appealing to me when a man demonstrates that he can be a gentleman and respect my boundaries.

I was stuck in a sexless marriage like hers... in the last year before my XH and I separated, we had sex exactly twice, and I had to get him drunk to get him to do it. It was torture for someone who is high drive.

Of course, these are me and not her; you met her in person and I didn't. I don't know the context for her situation. Did she give you context?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie

RebuildingMe said:


> Let me give a couple of examples:
> 
> She asked for a recent photo the other day. I took one and sent it to her. I said it was this one or a photo of me getting into the shower shirtless (I explained I was looking to see if I saw my abs and that's why I took it), but I was in my underwear and didn't think it was appropriate. I would have loved for her to tell me to send it anyway. Instead she said "thanks for not sending that one".
> 
> In talking to her tonight and meeting her for the first time, she let it be known that her and her ex husband had sex once every six months before they got divorced.
> 
> Two MAJOR red flags for me.



I like sex a lot and I wouldn’t have told you to send it anyway. I’d be afraid you’d think I was too easy or only looking for a hook up. Also, the last six years of my marriage were sexless...not my fault at all. She could have been saying that to let you know she’s looking for something more than what she had. Without discussing it further it’s hard to know. 

I say continue to keep an open mind until you have more evidence. :smile2:


----------



## ReformedHubby

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m on the fence. I’m not pursuing anything at this point. If anything, she is pursuing me. She’s knows my story. She is cool to talk with. Based upon some comments and responses from her, she’s not very sexual which is a big negative for me.


I wouldn't necessarily say that unless you know for sure. One of the most passionate lovers I have ever had was very tame via text. In fact she was almost business like. But.... she was passionate when we were together. She felt like it was pointless to text about sex, in her words she just didn't see the point of sexting if we were having actual sex regularly anyway. I suppose that would be a deal breaker for someone that likes suggestive messages throughout the day. But I didn't mind it at all, because she was a very good conversationalist otherwise.


----------



## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> If you're dating people to get validation and confidence, then that IS using them. You made a comment about how dating is a way to get back your confidence. I was responding to that comment.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Yes, dating is certainly a way for me to build my self confidence, especially coming off of being married for 12 years. However, I don’t get the connection that I am using anyone or being selfish. I am working on me and I don’t hide that fact.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

One guy I was chatting with years ago from OLD sent me a shirtless pic, and I was immediately put off. It had nothing to do with my sex drive at all. I am not into sex talk and pics with someone I am not intimately involved with, I just find it tasteless and pointless. I had not even met him yet but had enjoyed our texting conversations up to that point. I cut contact after he sent the pic.


----------



## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> Those aren't necessarily red flags.
> 
> It is perfectly reasonable that she didn't want a pic of a man she barely knows in just his underwear. That doesn't necessarily mean she is low drive. I'm very high drive, but I've found that I have to put on the brakes with a lot of guys when it comes to online dating so I can weed out the ones who are just looking for a quick lay. I'm looking to make a connection with someone that is more than just sex, and it is very attractive/appealing to me when a man demonstrates that he can be a gentleman and respect my boundaries.
> 
> I was stuck in a sexless marriage like hers... in the last year before my XH and I separated, we had sex exactly twice, and I had to get him drunk to get him to do it. It was torture for someone who is high drive.
> 
> Of course, these are me and not her; you met her in person and I didn't. I don't know the context for her situation. Did she give you context?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


She made it clear that it was at the end of her marriage. I don’t know, I just didn’t get a vibe that she sees sex as important. I plan to gather more info if t continues. If she mentions her desire that she wants something serious, I will let her know where I stand. That convo is due to happen shortly. She just hasn’t gone there yet and I haven’t seen an opening.


----------



## Elizabeth001

3Xnocharm said:


> One guy I was chatting with years ago from OLD sent me a shirtless pic, and I was immediately put off. It had nothing to do with my sex drive at all. I am not into sex talk and pics with someone I am not intimately involved with, I just find it tasteless and pointless. I had not even met him yet but had enjoyed our texting conversations up to that point. I cut contact after he sent the pic.




Same here & I love sex!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

We are all different. For me, I don't mind and even welcome a shirtless pic because I want to see what I'm working with. However, I don't like it if they seem "coy" about it like you described @RebuildingMe. Like saying "welllllll....I could send this one or that one where I'm checking out my abs in my underwear....." 

I would not recommend that approach again.

For me its actually preferable to see that pic on their profile to begin with. Not a underwear bathroom selfie but a beach pic tossing a frisbee or something.

Keep us posted! Interested in hearing what happens.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> We are all different. For me, I don't mind and even welcome a shirtless pic because I want to see what I'm working with. However, I don't like it if they seem "coy" about it like you described @RebuildingMe. Like saying "welllllll....I could send this one or that one where I'm checking out my abs in my underwear....."
> 
> I would not recommend that approach again.
> 
> For me its actually preferable to see that pic on their profile to begin with. Not a underwear bathroom selfie but a beach pic tossing a frisbee or something.
> 
> Keep us posted! Interested in hearing what happens.


This why I’m out there! I have a lot to learn! Between my two marriages, I’ve basically been married my entire adult life. I’ll say I’m not out to hurt anyone. I have the best of intentions. I’m just not putting myself second anymore. Been doing that my whole life. I’m my priority now, aside, of course, from my kids.


----------



## Lila

@RebuildingMe you have to know your audience.There are two kinds of approaches in dating - subtle and direct. Different women prefer different styles. Part of the getting to know you process is to figure out which one the woman you're interested in prefers. 

I fall under the subtle category. When I was dating, I was always disappointed when someone started the sex talk or brought up sending semi nude pics before we'd gotten to know each other. My first thought was sigh, here we go again. Now that's not to say I didn't enjoy flirting and everything that goes with it but less words....more physical (eyes, smiles, touch).


----------



## Not

Just popping in to share some lolz! I got this yesterday and must say I had not heard this one before lol! I love pick up lines, they always make me crack a smile and let a giggle slip lol!


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> Just popping in to share some lolz! I got this yesterday and must say I had not heard this one before lol! I love pick up lines, they always make me crack a smile and let a giggle slip lol!


Lmao. I'm such a sucker for pick up lines. The cheesier, the better.


----------



## minimalME

And I prefer direct. 

Not because I want super fast sex or nude photos, but I'm unable to navigate vague dishonesty. 

I want to know what you want from me, and then if we both want the same thing(s), I can relax and begin to enjoy knowing you as a person.



Lila said:


> @RebuildingMe you have to know your audience.There are two kinds of approaches in dating - subtle and direct. Different women prefer different styles. Part of the getting to know you process is to figure out which one the woman you're interested in prefers.
> 
> I fall under the subtle category. When I was dating, I was always disappointed when someone started the sex talk or brought up sending semi nude pics before we'd gotten to know each other. My first thought was sigh, here we go again. Now that's not to say I didn't enjoy flirting and everything that goes with it but less words....more physical (eyes, smiles, touch).


----------



## Not

minimalME said:


> And I prefer direct.
> 
> Not because I want super fast sex or nude photos, but I'm unable to navigate vague dishonestly.
> 
> I want to know what you want from me, and then if we both want the same thing(s), I can relax and begin to enjoy knowing you as a person.


Me too. Knowing the important stuff up front is what I want but it took me a while to figure that out. I was shy about the sex stuff at first but not anymore. Honey if you can’t get it up and keep it up I need to know this! :grin2:


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> Lmao. I'm such a sucker for pick up lines. The cheesier, the better.


Oh yeah, more cheese please lol!


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> And I prefer direct.
> 
> Not because I want super fast sex or nude photos, but I'm unable to navigate vague dishonesty.
> 
> I want to know what you want from me, and then if we both want the same thing(s), I can relax and begin to enjoy knowing you as a person.





Not said:


> Me too. Knowing the important stuff up front is what I want but it took me a while to figure that out. I was shy about the sex stuff at first but not anymore. Honey if you can’t get it up and keep it up I need to know this! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>


Trust me, I got all of my screening questions out relatively early but it didn't bother me so much if it took a while only because I was multi-dating. I wasn't going to sleep with anyone unless there was exclusivity and I was very up front about that. If they wanted to play the slow game, so be it.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> minimalME said:
> 
> 
> 
> And I prefer direct.
> 
> Not because I want super fast sex or nude photos, but I'm unable to navigate vague dishonesty.
> 
> I want to know what you want from me, and then if we both want the same thing(s), I can relax and begin to enjoy knowing you as a person.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not said:
> 
> 
> 
> Me too. Knowing the important stuff up front is what I want but it took me a while to figure that out. I was shy about the sex stuff at first but not anymore. Honey if you can’t get it up and keep it up I need to know this!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Trust me, I got all of my screening questions out relatively early but it didn't bother me so much if it took a while only because I was multi-dating. I wasn't going to sleep with anyone unless there was exclusivity and I was very up front about that. If they wanted to play the slow game, so be it.
Click to expand...

Yeah, it’s a delicate balance.

I want to know he understands we will have to be exclusive before having sex.

But I also want to know he is a good flirt and says sexy, versus unsexy, things.

So I just let him talk or message and see how he does. If he says explicit unsexy gross crap, I shut it down. If he understands nuance and tension, it will be obvious in what he says. 

I’m a highly sexual person but I know there are differences among people like me. So for instance, some women may want to hear very explicit naughty things and others like me can know just by nuances if he’s got the right vibe for me. 

I’ve heard from male friends that some women definitely want to hear the explicit naughty stuff. So I’m sure it’s not always easy for a man to know what to do.

I tend to lead by example. I can talk about my needs and preferences without sounding like I’m trying to talk him off. If he can do the same I’m most likely to enjoy the conversation.


----------



## RebuildingMe

This stuff is hard, lol. There are like 4 women on this thread that all what something different. Puts us men in an almost no win situation, lol. 

I do love the dialogue and perspectives from the female POV. So if I haven’t said it already, thank you all for your thoughts!!


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> This stuff is hard, lol. There are like 4 women on this thread that all what something different. Puts us men in an almost no win situation, lol.
> 
> I do love the dialogue and perspectives from the female POV. So if I haven’t said it already, thank you all for your thoughts!!


But the key is not to try to please all the women you talk to. The key is to be how you are and find one who is like you in those ways.

I definitely don't want a guy to just *try* to be what I want, especially if he's *not* actually that. I want him to be himself and if we are a match it will become obvious. If we aren't a match, that will be obvious too.

Make sense?

So yes, you might get turned down or rejected or have some conversations end because you are being yourself and that's not what one particular woman you are talking to is looking for. But who cares? You don't want her to pretend you are what she's looking for either. You want her to be herself. You also don't want her to just try to be what every guy wants, either.

It's pretty easy for me to know after some amount of conversation if we are a match enough to keep talking or possibly meet.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Faithful Wife said:


> But the key is not to try to please all the women you talk to. The key is to be how you are and find one who is like you in those ways.
> 
> 
> 
> I definitely don't want a guy to just *try* to be what I want, especially if he's *not* actually that. I want him to be himself and if we are a match it will become obvious. If we aren't a match, that will be obvious too.
> 
> 
> 
> Make sense?
> 
> 
> 
> So yes, you might get turned down or rejected or have some conversations end because you are being yourself and that's not what one particular woman you are talking to is looking for. But who cares? You don't want her to pretend you are what she's looking for either. You want her to be herself. You also don't want her to just try to be what every guy wants, either.
> 
> 
> 
> It's pretty easy for me to know after some amount of conversation if we are a match enough to keep talking or possibly meet.




Well said!


ETA: Be yourself! If she’s the right one, she will like you


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> @RebuildingMe you have to know your audience.There are two kinds of approaches in dating - subtle and direct. Different women prefer different styles. Part of the getting to know you process is to figure out which one the woman you're interested in prefers.
> 
> I fall under the subtle category. When I was dating, I was always disappointed when someone started the sex talk or brought up sending semi nude pics before we'd gotten to know each other. My first thought was sigh, here we go again. Now that's not to say I didn't enjoy flirting and everything that goes with it but less words....more physical (eyes, smiles, touch).


Thanks Lila. I’m a pretty direct person. I am not trying to read minds, lol. Getting too old for that. I’m pretty sure I know what I want and I’m hoping to meet someone that matches my personality. One thing I’m learning quite quickly is that there is a lot of crap out there. Broken people with baggage, myself included.


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> @RebuildingMe you have to know your audience.There are two kinds of approaches in dating - subtle and direct. Different women prefer different styles. Part of the getting to know you process is to figure out which one the woman you're interested in prefers.
> 
> I fall under the subtle category. When I was dating, I was always disappointed when someone started the sex talk or brought up sending semi nude pics before we'd gotten to know each other. My first thought was sigh, here we go again. Now that's not to say I didn't enjoy flirting and everything that goes with it but less words....more physical (eyes, smiles, touch).
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Lila. I’m a pretty direct person. I am not trying to read minds, lol. Getting too old for that. I’m pretty sure I know what I want and I’m hoping to meet someone that matches my personality. One thing I’m learning quite quickly is that there is a lot of crap out there. Broken people with baggage, myself included.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, anyone who has lived life will have baggage. Which is why I am steering clear of the whole dating scene for awhile


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> This stuff is hard, lol. There are like 4 women on this thread that all what something different. Puts us men in an almost no win situation, lol.
> 
> 
> 
> I do love the dialogue and perspectives from the female POV. So if I haven’t said it already, thank you all for your thoughts!!


The takeaway from this (for you) is that every woman is going to be different, and there isn't going to be a one-size-fits-all approach. The best you can do is be authentic to yourself so that she can see who you are, and hope that she is being authentic in turn... and you both decide if the other is a good fit. And remember that just because she's subtle instead of direct doesn't mean that she's a prude or low-drive.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

Numb26 said:


> Unfortunately, anyone who has lived life will have baggage. Which is why I am steering clear of the whole dating scene for awhile


Everybody has baggage, the important things is how they deal with it/manage it. 

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----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Unfortunately, anyone who has lived life will have baggage. Which is why I am steering clear of the whole dating scene for awhile


Yeah like FIP said, until you have a good handle on your own baggage, it’s very hard to handle someone else’s.

I felt once I finally got a good grip on my own stuff, I turned a corner and was actually able to deal with dating and relationships. Before then I only dated casually and even that was difficult.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Thanks Lila. I’m a pretty direct person. I am not trying to read minds, lol. Getting too old for that. I’m pretty sure I know what I want and I’m hoping to meet someone that matches my personality.


I can't stress enough that you be your honest yourself. 
Because you are doing OLD, the directness/boldness factor can usually be sussed out in the pre meeting back and forth. It will prevent you from wasting a whole lot time with incompatible people. 



> One thing I’m learning quite quickly is that there is a lot of crap out there. Broken people with baggage, myself included.


At our age, everyone has baggage. The key is to find the person whose baggage meshes with ours.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Unfortunately, anyone who has lived life will have baggage. Which is why I am steering clear of the whole dating scene for awhile
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah like FIP said, until you have a good handle on your own baggage, it’s very hard to handle someone else’s.
> 
> I felt once I finally got a good grip on my own stuff, I turned a corner and was actually able to deal with dating and relationships. Before then I only dated casually and even that was difficult.
Click to expand...

I have a truckload of baggage right now, not to mention trust issues. Haha I'm going to stand on the sidelines for awhile


----------



## FeministInPink

Numb26 said:


> I have a truckload of baggage right now, not to mention trust issues. Haha I'm going to stand on the sidelines for awhile


I would recommend that you use this time on the sidelines to work through some of that baggage with a therapist, or some appropriate self-help books (or both, at the same time). That will help you get ready to get back in the game, and will also help you to recognize when you're actually ready. (As opposed to horny/desperate/seeking validation "ready.")

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

Happy Valentine's Day, all you sexy TAM Singles! I'm spending the night at home with some yet-to-be-determined takeout, Netflix, and maybe some laundry if I decide to get really crazy, LOL. Right now I'm pre-gaming with a big-ass cup of white hot chocolate.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## attheend02

FeministInPink said:


> Happy Valentine's Day, all you sexy TAM Singles! I'm spending the night at home with some yet-to-be-determined takeout, Netflix, and maybe some laundry if I decide to get really crazy, LOL. Right now I'm pre-gaming with a big-ass cup of white hot chocolate.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk



Happy Valentine's Day FIP. My chocolate is a martini!


----------



## attheend02

Lila said:


> I can't stress enough that you be your honest yourself.
> Because you are doing OLD, the directness/boldness factor can usually be sussed out in the pre meeting back and forth. It will prevent you from wasting a whole lot time with incompatible people.
> 
> 
> 
> At our age, everyone has baggage. The key is to find the person whose baggage meshes with ours.


I think I'm learning this lesson. I need to find someone who allows me to be myself. Anything else is living a lie (duh).


I do have issue with "everyone has baggage" . We all have a history. Baggage, to me, is history that hasn't been properly resolved.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I’m contemplating masturbation but it’s been a busy week. I’ll probably fall asleep during the warm fuzzies but will TCB in the AM, if I’m still feeling it. Ahhh... #singlelife

My work is 2 doors down from Edible Arrangements. That store was HOPPIN’ today. It was fun to watch the sheeple. One guy lost a balloon. He was still happy. Bought it for his daughter. Restored my faith in mankind for a moment 

Happy VD everyone...from the resident herps member 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001

attheend02 said:


> We all have a history. Baggage, to me, is history that hasn't been properly resolved.




Whoa...I might just write that shat down 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## attheend02

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m contemplating masturbation but it’s been a busy week. I’ll probably fall asleep during the warm fuzzies but will TCB in the AM, if I’m still feeling it. Ahhh... #singlelife
> 
> My work is 2 doors down from Edible Arrangements. That store was HOPPIN’ today. It was fun to watch the sheeple. One guy lost a balloon. He was still happy. Bought it for his daughter. Restored my faith in mankind for a moment
> 
> Happy VD everyone...from the resident herps member
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


LOL!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m contemplating masturbation but it’s been a busy week. I’ll probably fall asleep during the warm fuzzies but will TCB in the AM, if I’m still feeling it. Ahhh... #singlelife
> 
> My work is 2 doors down from Edible Arrangements. That store was HOPPIN’ today. It was fun to watch the sheeple. One guy lost a balloon. He was still happy. Bought it for his daughter. Restored my faith in mankind for a moment
> 
> Happy VD everyone...from the resident herps member
> 
> Yeah, me too. Came home to an empty house. Just a note “sleeping over parents”. Took the kids with her. I’m texting this new girl giving her every option to bail now and she won’t take it. Having my second drink and I think masturbation sounds just about right!
> 
> Happy Valentine’s Day singles!!
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m contemplating masturbation but it’s been a busy week. I’ll probably fall asleep during the warm fuzzies but will TCB in the AM, if I’m still feeling it. Ahhh... #singlelife
> 
> My work is 2 doors down from Edible Arrangements. That store was HOPPIN’ today. It was fun to watch the sheeple. One guy lost a balloon. He was still happy. Bought it for his daughter. Restored my faith in mankind for a moment
> 
> Happy VD everyone...from the resident herps member
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Yeah, me too. Came home to an empty house. Just a note “sleeping over parents”. Took the kids with her. I’m texting this new girl giving her every option to bail now and she won’t take it. Having my second drink and I think masturbation sounds just about right!

Happy Valentine’s Day singles!!

Trying this again. Maybe I’m three drinks in!!


----------



## Hiner112

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singles_Awareness_Day

On singles awareness day the chocolate goes on sale. It's like the sugar black Friday. 

Observation from Facebook: Is it a coincidence that VD can stand for both Valentine's Day and venereal disease?

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## Faithful Wife

Hiner112 said:


> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singles_Awareness_Day
> 
> On singles awareness day the chocolate goes on sale. It's like the sugar black Friday.
> 
> Observation from Facebook: Is it a coincidence that VD can stand for both Valentine's Day and venereal disease?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


It’s a weird generational thing to hear anyone say venereal disease.


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> Yeah, me too. Came home to an empty house. Just a note “sleeping over parents”. Took the kids with her. I’m texting this new girl giving her every option to bail now and she won’t take it. Having my second drink and I think masturbation sounds just about right!
> 
> 
> 
> Happy Valentine’s Day singles!!
> 
> 
> 
> Trying this again. Maybe I’m three drinks in!!




Hahahaaa...I caught that. I was too. lol


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Livvie

Faithful Wife said:


> Hiner112 said:
> 
> 
> 
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singles_Awareness_Day
> 
> On singles awareness day the chocolate goes on sale. It's like the sugar black Friday.
> 
> Observation from Facebook: Is it a coincidence that VD can stand for both Valentine's Day and venereal disease?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> It’s a weird generational thing to hear anyone say venereal disease.
Click to expand...

This made me laugh.

And now it's STI instead of STD. My kids look at me weirdly if I say STD. VD would blow their minds.


----------



## Not

I’m meeting someone tonight. It’s kind of sad, I don’t get excited about dates anymore. It shouldn’t be like that. Hopefully it’ll turn out to be a fun night. We’re meeting for pizza at 8. This will be a late start as far as dates go for me. I’m going to be starving by then lol! 

I’m already thinking about how I’ll have to make a run to the restroom to check for food stuck in my teeth after I eat lol! Dental floss in purse? Check.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> I’m meeting someone tonight. It’s kind of sad, I don’t get excited about dates anymore. It shouldn’t be like that. Hopefully it’ll turn out to be a fun night. We’re meeting for pizza at 8. This will be a late start as far as dates go for me. I’m going to be starving by then lol!
> 
> I’m already thinking about how I’ll have to make a run to the restroom to check for food stuck in my teeth after I eat lol! Dental floss in purse? Check.


Have fun! You should be fine with pizza not getting stuck in your teeth, unless you get pizza topped with lettuce, lol


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> I’m meeting someone tonight. It’s kind of sad, I don’t get excited about dates anymore. It shouldn’t be like that. Hopefully it’ll turn out to be a fun night. We’re meeting for pizza at 8. This will be a late start as far as dates go for me. I’m going to be starving by then lol!
> 
> I’m already thinking about how I’ll have to make a run to the restroom to check for food stuck in my teeth after I eat lol! Dental floss in purse? Check.


I think it’s wise not to get excited about dates. This is a total stranger and chances are it won’t turn into a relationship. So it’s probably just a night out and a meal with a nice person. Not much to be excited about when you look at it that way.

Better than the build up of excitement and then it falls flat! And a welcome surprise if it goes well.


----------



## Not

Question....I’m seriously considering the idea of mentioning my experience with B on dates. I would preface anything I say with the statement that I’m not the kind of woman who jabbbers on about her exes, because I’m really not. But there are things that I really need to know and I want the person to understand why it’s important for me to know. My experience with B was just that bad.

Yeah? No? Thoughts?


----------



## Hiner112

Not said:


> Question....I’m seriously considering the idea of mentioning my experience with B on dates. I would preface anything I say with the statement that I’m not the kind of woman who jabbbers on about her exes, because I’m really not. But there are things that I really need to know and I want the person to understand why it’s important for me to know. My experience with B was just that bad.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah? No? Thoughts?


I think it should be fine as long as it is approached in the right way. Something like, "I feel X. The reason for that is my experience with B." The second half of the statement may or may not be necessary. I probably wouldn't start with, "I had this experience with B and that's why I feel X." They might have already checked out by the time you get to the effects it had on you. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia

Not said:


> Question....I’m seriously considering the idea of mentioning my experience with B on dates. I would preface anything I say with the statement that I’m not the kind of woman who jabbbers on about her exes, because I’m really not. But there are things that I really need to know and I want the person to understand why it’s important for me to know. My experience with B was just that bad.
> 
> Yeah? No? Thoughts?


I wonder if it's a good idea to do an information dump on the first date. The initial meeting is to see if you like the person and think you would like to see him again. Once you get an idea of whether or not this man might be relationship material would be time to start getting deeper into what matters to you. I'm sure you don't want to waste time, but I think that trying to get it all out on the table at the very beginning is a bit cynical and it may be better to just breath and get a feel for someone before getting into heavy things.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Question....I’m seriously considering the idea of mentioning my experience with B on dates. I would preface anything I say with the statement that I’m not the kind of woman who jabbbers on about her exes, because I’m really not. But there are things that I really need to know and I want the person to understand why it’s important for me to know. My experience with B was just that bad.
> 
> Yeah? No? Thoughts?


No. That would really turn me off on a date.

On a second date maybe, as you don’t even know until the end of a first date if you’ll ever see him again.

Also...and this might not be fair but take it under consideration...when someone tells me a story about an ex where they have been duped by someone, I tend to think to myself that this person isn’t very strong or wise or something. A guy I went on a few dates with was telling me all about how he and his exgf started a business together and then she ripped him off in several ways. It just made me think he lacked good judgment. It did not make me think oh, I need to be careful with this guys feelings because he has been burned. She sounded like a crazy psycho, but then why couldn’t he see that before he made these bad decisions with her, was what I was thinking. So then my mind turned to things like was he blinded by her looks or something? If so he got what he deserved.

Until I actually care about someone someone, I’m going to make judgements like that. Again it’s not fair maybe, but I don’t know him yet. It just makes me wish I had her side of the story, and makes me wonder if he’s lying or exaggerating and maybe he is the one who ripped her off. And it makes me wonder why he’s even telling me, since my character shouldn’t be scrutinized based on what some ho did to him before.

Once you know each other, you’ll be able to tell the story about your ex and a new guy will be all on your side. I would have been on my date’s side too if he proved to me first that he is a solid person. I didn’t know him well enough to know that yet.


----------



## Not

Hiner112 said:


> I think it should be fine as long as it is approached in the right way. Something like, "I feel X. The reason for that is my experience with B." The second half of the statement may or may not be necessary. I probably wouldn't start with, "I had this experience with B and that's why I feel X." They might have already checked out by the time you get to the effects it had on you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


Thanks. I know I can get away with asking some questions without raising some red flags so maybe I’ll just stick with those “softer” questions at first.



Cynthia said:


> I wonder if it's a good idea to do an information dump on the first date. The initial meeting is to see if you like the person and think you would like to see him again. Once you get an idea of whether or not this man might be relationship material would be time to start getting deeper into what matters to you. I'm sure you don't want to waste time, but I think that trying to get it all out on the table at the very beginning is a bit cynical and it may be better to just breath and get a feel for someone before getting into heavy things.


Good advice, thank you!



Faithful Wife said:


> No. That would really turn me off on a date.
> 
> On a second date maybe, as you don’t even know until the end of a first date if you’ll ever see him again.
> 
> Also...and this might not be fair but take it under consideration...when someone tells me a story about an ex where they have been duped by someone, I tend to think to myself that this person isn’t very strong or wise or something. A guy I went on a few dates with was telling me all about how he and his exgf started a business together and then she ripped him off in several ways. It just made me think he lacked good judgment. It did not make me think oh, I need to be careful with this guys feelings because he has been burned. She sounded like a crazy psycho, but then why couldn’t he see that before he made these bad decisions with her, was what I was thinking. So then my mind turned to things like was he blinded by her looks or something? If so he got what he deserved.
> 
> Until I actually care about someone someone, I’m going to make judgements like that. Again it’s not fair maybe, but I don’t know him yet. It just makes me wish I had her side of the story, and makes me wonder if he’s lying or exaggerating and maybe he is the one who ripped her off. And it makes me wonder why he’s even telling me, since my character shouldn’t be scrutinized based on what some ho did to him before.
> 
> Once you know each other, you’ll be able to tell the story about your ex and a new guy will be all on your side. I would have been on my date’s side too if he proved to me first that he is a solid person. I didn’t know him well enough to know that yet.


I’m the type who has no problem with total transparency, even with strangers, but I can see how that could look. Especially with a topic such as this one. Thanks for pointing that out. 

I think I’m going to have to get creative on my dates, find ways to ask the things I need to know. They’re all things I would find out anyway. I just don’t want to wait several dates in to find out. 

Thanks FF!


----------



## FeministInPink

Not said:


> Question....I’m seriously considering the idea of mentioning my experience with B on dates. I would preface anything I say with the statement that I’m not the kind of woman who jabbbers on about her exes, because I’m really not. But there are things that I really need to know and I want the person to understand why it’s important for me to know. My experience with B was just that bad.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah? No? Thoughts?


I'm going to say no, and I'll tell you why.

A) As @Faithful Wife has said, it's too big an info dump for a first date, especially since most of your first dates won't turn into anything. Since they're not going to turn into anything, they don't need to know. Keep the first date, and wait until they need to know to tell them.

B) It makes you sound like you're hung up on your ex, even if you're not. It makes you sound like you have unresolved issues with your ex, even if you don't. It makes you sound like you have way too much baggage and aren't ready for a relationship, even if you don'thave baggage and are ready. This is going to drive away people who are emotionally healthy, and it's going to attract people who are bad for you (people who are either not healthy, or generally malicious in relationships).

C) I understand the desire to put all this on the table up front, especially since your divorce is new and fresh, because I was the same way when I first started dating after my divorce. My [negative/abusive] experience with my XH felt like such a huge part of who I was that I felt the need to disclose parts of it right away, because I felt that the other person needed to know this to understand ME. I felt like it was part of the definition of who I am and was.

It took me a while, but I eventually realized that wasn't true... the experience impacted me and certainly went a long way in making the person I am today, but it is far from being something definitive of who I am. Moreover, I didn't WANT it to be that definitive; moreover, I didn't want those conversations about a past partner be a part of the foundation I was building with a new partner. My XH has no place in my future relationships.

I learned over time to leave my past marriage out of things until it became pertinent, and even then, I only told my new partner the relevant information. I learned to discern the red flags in other ways. For example, my XH got me to fall in love with him by pretending to be my perfect man... he literally created a completely different persona that was customized for me. I don't tell anyone this until I've known them for a significant amount of time, but I used to bring it up right away. I realized that telling them doesn't help me to identify the red flags, and I've found other, better ways to identify potential red flags without laying all my cards on the table. I also realized that telling my new partner everything was giving them all the ammunition they would need to completely destroy me before they had shown me they could be trusted with this information. 

D) Understanding why you feel the way you do about things is important to you; I feel the same way. Not everyone is wired this way, and not everyone wants to know they "why." You don't need to justify your boundaries or expectations in a relationship to anyone, and you don't owe anyone an explanation for them either, not even your partner. And a good partner will respect [reasonable] boundaries and expectations, and won't demand an explanation. If you want to offer an explanation, they will listen, but they don't need it and won't demand it. They might be curious and ask, but if you don't want to talk about it, they will respect it, too. Anyone who demands justification or explanation isn't a healthy partner, and that in and of itself is a bad sign. 

You do not have to justify or explain yourself to anyone, because you dont need anyone's approval except your own. I think your desire to reveal this up front means that you are looking for validation that you are justified in feeling the way that you do, or confirmation that you are right to feel the way that you do. If you need that, get it from a therapist, get it from your friends... but don't look to a first date to get that approval, because who the F is your date? He's nobody to you, not yet.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

FeministInPink said:


> I'm going to say no, and I'll tell you why.
> 
> A) As @Faithful Wife has said, it's too big an info dump for a first date, especially since most of your first dates won't turn into anything. Since they're not going to turn into anything, they don't need to know. Keep the first date, and wait until they need to know to tell them.
> 
> B) It makes you sound like you're hung up on your ex, even if you're not. It makes you sound like you have unresolved issues with your ex, even if you don't. It makes you sound like you have way too much baggage and aren't ready for a relationship, even if you don'thave baggage and are ready. This is going to drive away people who are emotionally healthy, and it's going to attract people who are bad for you (people who are either not healthy, or generally malicious in relationships).
> 
> C) I understand the desire to put all this on the table up front, especially since your divorce is new and fresh, because I was the same way when I first started dating after my divorce. My [negative/abusive] experience with my XH felt like such a huge part of who I was that I felt the need to disclose parts of it right away, because I felt that the other person needed to know this to understand ME. I felt like it was part of the definition of who I am and was.
> 
> It took me a while, but I eventually realized that wasn't true... the experience impacted me and certainly went a long way in making the person I am today, but it is far from being something definitive of who I am. Moreover, I didn't WANT it to be that definitive; moreover, I didn't want those conversations about a past partner be a part of the foundation I was building with a new partner. My XH has no place in my future relationships.
> 
> I learned over time to leave my past marriage out of things until it became pertinent, and even then, I only told my new partner the relevant information. I learned to discern the red flags in other ways. For example, my XH got me to fall in love with him by pretending to be my perfect man... he literally created a completely different persona that was customized for me. I don't tell anyone this until I've known them for a significant amount of time, but I used to bring it up right away. I realized that telling them doesn't help me to identify the red flags, and I've found other, better ways to identify potential red flags without laying all my cards on the table. I also realized that telling my new partner everything was giving them all the ammunition they would need to completely destroy me before they had shown me they could be trusted with this information.
> 
> D) Understanding why you feel the way you do about things is important to you; I feel the same way. Not everyone is wired this way, and not everyone wants to know they "why." You don't need to justify your boundaries or expectations in a relationship to anyone, and you don't owe anyone an explanation for them either, not even your partner. And a good partner will respect [reasonable] boundaries and expectations, and won't demand an explanation. If you want to offer an explanation, they will listen, but they don't need it and won't demand it. They might be curious and ask, but if you don't want to talk about it, they will respect it, too. Anyone who demands justification or explanation isn't a healthy partner, and that in and of itself is a bad sign.
> 
> You do not have to justify or explain yourself to anyone, because you dont need anyone's approval except your own. I think your desire to reveal this up front means that you are looking for validation that you are justified in feeling the way that you do, or confirmation that you are right to feel the way that you do. If you need that, get it from a therapist, get it from your friends... but don't look to a first date to get that approval, because who the F is your date? He's nobody to you, not yet.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Wow, thank you for the time you put into that response FIP. 

B was someone I met online and turned out to be a worst nightmare, not who I was married to. I haven’t dated much since him but everytime I do go on a date I start to feel a little bit of panic. I don’t want to go through that again. 

He was very sweet to me but he was also a Jekyll and Hyde and hid a lot from me, things I had a right to know. He tailored his image to me so that he looked all put together but in reality his life was a total mess from finances, to sex, to still being to caught up in his ex wife and affairs while he was married. You name it and he hid it, so many lies.

I don’t want to be that person who judges all new guys because of what B did but I want to protect myself at the same time and like Cynthia said, I don’t want to waste a lot of time trying to suss this stuff out with a new guy but I see now that part is unrealistic. 

My marital issues are long resolved, it’s online dating itself that I have issues with. Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say I have trust issues.


----------



## Faithful Wife

@Not

When you look back at the beginning when you met B, what questions do you think you could have asked that may have prevented you going forward with him?

Or was he just a liar anyway? 

What could you have done differently now that you know what his game was?


----------



## Not

Still thinking about your post FIP, you bring up so many good points, things that didn’t occur to me at all. Like how telling them these things wouldn’t help you to identify red flags. I can see that. Such a good point. 

I do believe it’s highly unlikely that I’ll meet another B but I do need to be observant for my own peace of mind. It wears me out just thinking about it but it’s either that or give upon dating for a good long while. And I think I’ve realized after reading and thinking about your post that it’s me I don’t trust. These new guys have nothing to do with what happened to with B and I don’t need to be dumping my crap on them because I screwed up and didn’t recognize what was happening right in front of me. I wouldn’t want that done to me by a new guy.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> @Not
> 
> When you look back at the beginning when you met B, what questions do you think you could have asked that may have prevented you going forward with him?
> 
> Or was he just a liar anyway?
> 
> What could you have done differently now that you know what his game was?


I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what was true and what wasn’t so I don’t know that I could have done anything differently.


----------



## FeministInPink

Not said:


> Wow, thank you for the time you put into that response FIP.
> 
> B was someone I met online and turned out to be a worst nightmare, not who I was married to. I haven’t dated much since him but everytime I do go on a date I start to feel a little bit of panic. I don’t want to go through that again.
> 
> He was very sweet to me but he was also a Jekyll and Hyde and hid a lot from me, things I had a right to know. He tailored his image to me so that he looked all put together but in reality his life was a total mess from finances, to sex, to still being to caught up in his ex wife and affairs while he was married. You name it and he hid it, so many lies.
> 
> I don’t want to be that person who judges all new guys because of what B did but I want to protect myself at the same time and like Cynthia said, I don’t want to waste a lot of time trying to suss this stuff out with a new guy but I see now that part is unrealistic.
> 
> My marital issues are long resolved, it’s online dating itself that I have issues with. Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say I have trust issues.


So, then just take my post and replace "ex-husband" with "weirdo I dated" and "divorce" with "traumatic dating experience," and everything still holds true.

And here's the other thing: B was a traumatic nightmare, but 1) you learned a lot of lessons from that exchange, and 2) B is most certainly a statistical anomaly. You *might* meet another B out there while you are dating, but it's pretty unlikely... you're much more likely to meet a whole bunch of decent guys who, for one reason or another, aren't a good fit, and eventually you'll meet a decent guy who IS a good fit. You'll be able to identify guys like B when they come along. Don't use dynamite to try to uncover them when a rock hammer is a better tool for the job.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

Not said:


> Still thinking about your post FIP, you bring up so many good points, things that didn’t occur to me at all. Like how telling them these things wouldn’t help you to identify red flags. I can see that. Such a good point.
> 
> 
> 
> I do believe it’s highly unlikely that I’ll meet another B but I do need to be observant for my own peace of mind. It wears me out just thinking about it but it’s either that or give upon dating for a good long while. And I think I’ve realized after reading and thinking about your post that it’s me I don’t trust. These new guys have nothing to do with what happened to with B and I don’t need to be dumping my crap on them because I screwed up and didn’t recognize what was happening right in front of me. I wouldn’t want that done to me by a new guy.


I think @Faithful Wife makes a really good point in her recent comment, where she told you to think back to your time with B, and what kind of questions might have uncovered his lies sooner? I think this is a REALLY good idea. 

Going to being up my own back story to show you what she means, and how this can work for you.

I believe I mentioned earlier that my XH molded himself into the image of the man he knew that I wanted, and this image was the complete opposite of who he really was. And he kept up this charade for over five years, until he got a ring on my finger. I later learned that he did this with other people, too... colleagues, family members, etc. He put on a different mask, depending on who he was with at the time. In addition to this, he was emotionally abusive and manipulative. This is the stuff that I initially thought I needed to disclose right away when I started dating someone.

Instead, what I've learned to do is keep certain things to myself and observe him and ask different questions so that I can see if he shows me, on his own, if he meets my criteria before I actually share what I'm looking for. For example, I'm ideologically and politically liberal, and I want someone who falls in that same area of the spectrum. I'm not going to put it out there... I'm going to wait for a relevant topic to come up organically, or perhaps introduce it in a neutral way, and see how he reacts... most men are very happy to make their opinions known on EVERYTHING, so getting a guy to tell me how he feels about #metoo or #blacklivesmatter or other issues is pretty easy. Introduce a topic in an organic, neutral way, and let him lead the conversation and see what that tells you; let him share his opinions before you share your own.

I also observe how a man behaves around other people compared to when he is with me alone. If he is consistent with everyone, that's good; it means he's being authentic with me. If there are inconsistencies, this is a red flag. Most people behave more professionally at work than they would with their friends, but they are still consistent with who they ARE. My XH was vastly different in different situations. Once, when my XH and I were dating, one of his colleagues/subordinates--who knew me rather well, because said colleague and I had also worked together for over a year before XH came into the picture--took me aside one night and said to me, "I don't get why you're with him, what you see in him. You're so much better than him, and you deserve better." My thought at the time was, well, you don't know him like I know him. (My XH was a chef, and you have to be tough and demanding to run a kitchen... Gordon Ramsey's persona in Hell's Kitchen is an exaggerated version of a lot of chefs I've worked with.) I realized later that this was a red flag, because when he is in a kitchen, that is when my XH's personality is most authentic. So now, I pay close attention to what other people--those close to him and who know him well--say about him. If a man drags his feet about introducing me to friends or family, or if he has no close friends, that's a red flag for me now. (Having a strained/distant relationship with family is not necessarily a red flag, but it does warrant more investigation.)

These are just a few of the methods I have developed to protect myself and learn what I need to know, without unnecessarily exposing too many vulnerabilities too early and without being too distant and defensive. I can retain my openness and get to know a new person without putting all my cards on the table right away.

I'm not saying you should adopt my methods. These are just examples. You will need to figure out your own methods of sussing out what you need to learn.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## PieceOfSky

Not said:


> I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what was true and what wasn’t so I don’t know that I could have done anything differently.


Background check? Court records search? Google? 

Those might catch some extreme cases.


----------



## Livvie

PieceOfSky said:


> Not said:
> 
> 
> 
> I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what was true and what wasn’t so I don’t know that I could have done anything differently.
> 
> 
> 
> Background check? Court records search? Google?
> 
> Those might catch some extreme cases.
Click to expand...

A quick online spin through the registry of deeds can be helpful in knowing if someone is still married or not via property records


----------



## Not

FeministInPink said:


> I think @Faithful Wife makes a really good point in her recent comment, where she told you to think back to your time with B, and what kind of questions might have uncovered his lies sooner? I think this is a REALLY good idea.
> 
> Going to being up my own back story to show you what she means, and how this can work for you.
> 
> I believe I mentioned earlier that my XH molded himself into the image of the man he knew that I wanted, and this image was the complete opposite of who he really was. And he kept up this charade for over five years, until he got a ring on my finger. I later learned that he did this with other people, too... colleagues, family members, etc. He put on a different mask, depending on who he was with at the time. In addition to this, he was emotionally abusive and manipulative. This is the stuff that I initially thought I needed to disclose right away when I started dating someone.
> 
> Instead, what I've learned to do is keep certain things to myself and observe him and ask different questions so that I can see if he shows me, on his own, if he meets my criteria before I actually share what I'm looking for. For example, I'm ideologically and politically liberal, and I want someone who falls in that same area of the spectrum. I'm not going to put it out there... I'm going to wait for a relevant topic to come up organically, or perhaps introduce it in a neutral way, and see how he reacts... most men are very happy to make their opinions known on EVERYTHING, so getting a guy to tell me how he feels about #metoo or #blacklivesmatter or other issues is pretty easy. Introduce a topic in an organic, neutral way, and let him lead the conversation and see what that tells you; let him share his opinions before you share your own.
> 
> I also observe how a man behaves around other people compared to when he is with me alone. If he is consistent with everyone, that's good; it means he's being authentic with me. If there are inconsistencies, this is a red flag. Most people behave more professionally at work than they would with their friends, but they are still consistent with who they ARE. My XH was vastly different in different situations. Once, when my XH and I were dating, one of his colleagues/subordinates--who knew me rather well, because said colleague and I had also worked together for over a year before XH came into the picture--took me aside one night and said to me, "I don't get why you're with him, what you see in him. You're so much better than him, and you deserve better." My thought at the time was, well, you don't know him like I know him. (My XH was a chef, and you have to be tough and demanding to run a kitchen... Gordon Ramsey's persona in Hell's Kitchen is an exaggerated version of a lot of chefs I've worked with.) I realized later that this was a red flag, because when he is in a kitchen, that is when my XH's personality is most authentic. So now, I pay close attention to what other people--those close to him and who know him well--say about him. If a man drags his feet about introducing me to friends or family, or if he has no close friends, that's a red flag for me now. (Having a strained/distant relationship with family is not necessarily a red flag, but it does warrant more investigation.)
> 
> These are just a few of the methods I have developed to protect myself and learn what I need to know, without unnecessarily exposing too many vulnerabilities too early and without being too distant and defensive. I can retain my openness and get to know a new person without putting all my cards on the table right away.
> 
> I'm not saying you should adopt my methods. These are just examples. You will need to figure out your own methods of sussing out what you need to learn.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


It’s almost spooky how accurate you are with the things you’re saying.

B had no friends. I found out after the break up that his family relationships are very strained. His sister contacted me a few times after our break up to tell me she had wanted to warn me about B and money, his brother had also wanted to warn me. Then she offered to help me with my small claims suit against him. Holy cow was that eye opening. I knew there had to be so much more I didn’t know if she was willing to choose me over him.

I contacted B’s ex wife about a month after the break up to tell her about the nude pics he had of her and that he was going to use them to blackmail her to get the wedding ring back and during our conversation she said she had wanted to warn me about him but couldn’t think of a way to do it that wouldn’t look bad. She also said he didn’t spend as much time with his boys until he met me and she thanked me for that. He changed his behavior.

Also, a few months after the break up after I had more time to process everything I was telling my sister that B had had me in a bubble. Inside that bubble, with just him and I, everything was perfect and he was the biggest sweetheart but outside of that bubble he treated others in a way that was opposite. He was selfish and even slightly cruel but always played it off in various ways. We weren’t around other people much except for his roommate and the roommates friends but it was enough. It was when I realized he had me in a bubble that I realized the bubble would have popped eventually and things would have gotten bad. 

His ex wife is convinced he has a mental problem and lives in a fantasy world, her words not mine. 

I agree with you about the guys needing to show us, on their own, if they meet our criteria. No leads. I do think B was following my leads as well as mimicking my behavior. The mimicking was hard to spot because there was never anyone around to tell me his behavior had changed once he was with me. I saw it though once I broke up with him. No one changes their core behavior like he did. 

I had alarm bells going off the last couple of weeks I was with him but I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong. I just knew something wasn’t right.


----------



## Not

PieceOfSky said:


> Background check? Court records search? Google?
> 
> Those might catch some extreme cases.


Check and check! I do those things but didn’t with B, I think because he was so charming and seemed so open. He told me he had been dishonorably discharged from the Marine Corps so I thought he was being wide open 100% honest with me about everything. That’s some heavy stuff! I trusted him after that.



Livvie said:


> A quick online spin through the registry of deeds can be helpful in knowing if someone is still married or not via property records


That hadn’t occurred to me, thank you!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> FeministInPink said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think @Faithful Wife makes a really good point in her recent comment, where she told you to think back to your time with B, and what kind of questions might have uncovered his lies sooner? I think this is a REALLY good idea.
> 
> Going to being up my own back story to show you what she means, and how this can work for you.
> 
> I believe I mentioned earlier that my XH molded himself into the image of the man he knew that I wanted, and this image was the complete opposite of who he really was. And he kept up this charade for over five years, until he got a ring on my finger. I later learned that he did this with other people, too... colleagues, family members, etc. He put on a different mask, depending on who he was with at the time. In addition to this, he was emotionally abusive and manipulative. This is the stuff that I initially thought I needed to disclose right away when I started dating someone.
> 
> Instead, what I've learned to do is keep certain things to myself and observe him and ask different questions so that I can see if he shows me, on his own, if he meets my criteria before I actually share what I'm looking for. For example, I'm ideologically and politically liberal, and I want someone who falls in that same area of the spectrum. I'm not going to put it out there... I'm going to wait for a relevant topic to come up organically, or perhaps introduce it in a neutral way, and see how he reacts... most men are very happy to make their opinions known on EVERYTHING, so getting a guy to tell me how he feels about #metoo or #blacklivesmatter or other issues is pretty easy. Introduce a topic in an organic, neutral way, and let him lead the conversation and see what that tells you; let him share his opinions before you share your own.
> 
> I also observe how a man behaves around other people compared to when he is with me alone. If he is consistent with everyone, that's good; it means he's being authentic with me. If there are inconsistencies, this is a red flag. Most people behave more professionally at work than they would with their friends, but they are still consistent with who they ARE. My XH was vastly different in different situations. Once, when my XH and I were dating, one of his colleagues/subordinates--who knew me rather well, because said colleague and I had also worked together for over a year before XH came into the picture--took me aside one night and said to me, "I don't get why you're with him, what you see in him. You're so much better than him, and you deserve better." My thought at the time was, well, you don't know him like I know him. (My XH was a chef, and you have to be tough and demanding to run a kitchen... Gordon Ramsey's persona in Hell's Kitchen is an exaggerated version of a lot of chefs I've worked with.) I realized later that this was a red flag, because when he is in a kitchen, that is when my XH's personality is most authentic. So now, I pay close attention to what other people--those close to him and who know him well--say about him. If a man drags his feet about introducing me to friends or family, or if he has no close friends, that's a red flag for me now. (Having a strained/distant relationship with family is not necessarily a red flag, but it does warrant more investigation.)
> 
> These are just a few of the methods I have developed to protect myself and learn what I need to know, without unnecessarily exposing too many vulnerabilities too early and without being too distant and defensive. I can retain my openness and get to know a new person without putting all my cards on the table right away.
> 
> I'm not saying you should adopt my methods. These are just examples. You will need to figure out your own methods of sussing out what you need to learn.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> It’s almost spooky how accurate you are with the things you’re saying.
> 
> B had no friends. I found out after the break up that his family relationships are very strained. His sister contacted me a few times after our break up to tell me she had wanted to warn me about B and money, his brother had also wanted to warn me. Then she offered to help me with my small claims suit against him. Holy cow was that eye opening. I knew there had to be so much more I didn’t know if she was willing to choose me over him.
> 
> I contacted B’s ex wife about a month after the break up to tell her about the nude pics he had of her and that he was going to use them to blackmail her to get the wedding ring back and during our conversation she said she had wanted to warn me about him but couldn’t think of a way to do it that wouldn’t look bad. She also said he didn’t spend as much time with his boys until he met me and she thanked me for that. He changed his behavior.
> 
> Also, a few months after the break up after I had more time to process everything I was telling my sister that B had had me in a bubble. Inside that bubble, with just him and I, everything was perfect and he was the biggest sweetheart but outside of that bubble he treated others in a way that was opposite. He was selfish and even slightly cruel but always played it off in various ways. We weren’t around other people much except for his roommate and the roommates friends but it was enough. It was when I realized he had me in a bubble that I realized the bubble would have popped eventually and things would have gotten bad.
> 
> His ex wife is convinced he has a mental problem and lives in a fantasy world, her words not mine.
> 
> I agree with you about the guys needing to show us, on their own, if they meet our criteria. No leads. I do think B was following my leads as well as mimicking my behavior. The mimicking was hard to spot because there was never anyone around to tell me his behavior had changed once he was with me. I saw it though once I broke up with him. No one changes their core behavior like he did.
> 
> I had alarm bells going off the last couple of weeks I was with him but I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong. I just knew something wasn’t right.
Click to expand...

This describes narcissism. 

Read up on how to spot one. There are lots of articles about it.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> This describes narcissism.
> 
> Read up on how to spot one. There are lots of articles about it.



This is twice now that I’ve had people use that word to describe what was wrong in my relationships. Both with my marriage and now B. I’m doing something to attract these types of men.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> This describes narcissism.
> 
> Read up on how to spot one. There are lots of articles about it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This is twice now that I’ve had people use that word to describe what was wrong in my relationships. Both with my marriage and now B. I’m doing something to attract these types of men.
Click to expand...

Yes they go after a certain type. But once you know what they are looking for you can watch out for them if one is targeting you.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes they go after a certain type. But once you know what they are looking for you can watch out for them if one is targeting you.


I think I know. Basically anything in a woman they think will make them look good. It’ll probably vary from woman to woman. One woman because she’s successful, another because she’s beautiful and another because she’s intelligent and on and on. 

I remember very well how B questioned me in the beginning. I feel confident he chose me for my kindness. I remember all the compliments in regards to how sweet he thought I was. Those compliments happened up until the end when I caught him off guard and broke up with him. Then I was called crazy.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Not said:


> This is twice now that I’ve had people use that word to describe what was wrong in my relationships. Both with my marriage and now B. I’m doing something to attract these types of men.


They are 'takers' and you must be a 'giver' type of person. Nothing wrong with that! You just need to learn to recognize the takers.

Watch potential dates for their behaviour around people they don't get anything from. Do they display a sense of entitlement? Are they generous in return? Is any display of generosity more for show or to be admired rather than out of sincerity?


----------



## Not

Hopeful Cynic said:


> They are 'takers' and you must be a 'giver' type of person. Nothing wrong with that! You just need to learn to recognize the takers.
> 
> Watch potential dates for their behaviour around people they don't get anything from. Do they display a sense of entitlement? Are they generous in return? Is any display of generosity more for show or to be admired rather than out of sincerity?



I am a giver. 

I recognize everything in your second paragraph from my marriage, that was my xH to a tee. I don’t think I was with B long enough to clearly see those types of behaviors but I was in a fog too. He had his best face on for me as well. Thank you for the reminder Hopeful. I thought I was done with all of that when I ended my marriage so I wasn’t looking for any of it with my dates. I also thought the chances of it happening again would be almost impossible.


----------



## Not

My date for Saturday had to be rescheduled so no news on that front. We’re going to try again one evening this week. I do want to meet him. 6’4 with a superman tattoo on his bicep lol! 

I was just on plenty of fish and got a message from someone that has me scratching my head. He says he’s looking for a dominate woman and that he would be her property under her control. What in the heck does that even mean? He says he’s dominate in public though. I totally don’t get it. What would that look like?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

So, beautiful is all it takes to control him?? What a moron.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> My date for Saturday had to be rescheduled so no news on that front. We’re going to try again one evening this week. I do want to meet him. 6’4 with a superman tattoo on his bicep lol!
> 
> I was just on plenty of fish and got a message from someone that has me scratching my head. He says he’s looking for a dominate woman and that he would be her property under her control. What in the heck does that even mean? He says he’s dominate in public though. I totally don’t get it. What would that look like?


It means he is submissive. If you don’t know what it would entail to be a dominant woman then you are most likely not going to be a match with this guy. If you were into that you would have already been curious about it before now.

Submissive men want you to tie them up, sometimes humiliate or degrade them, many of them want to be pegged. And that’s just the beginning.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> It means he is submissive. If you don’t know what it would entail to be a dominant woman then you are most likely not going to be a match with this guy. If you were into that you would have already been curious about it before now.
> 
> Submissive men want you to tie them up, sometimes humiliate or degrade them, many of them want to be pegged. And that’s just the beginning.


No, def not a match. So it’s purely sexual. I was sitting here wondering if it means anything outside of the bedroom. What would that look like? Smack him around while we grocery shop lol?!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> It means he is submissive. If you don’t know what it would entail to be a dominant woman then you are most likely not going to be a match with this guy. If you were into that you would have already been curious about it before now.
> 
> Submissive men want you to tie them up, sometimes humiliate or degrade them, many of them want to be pegged. And that’s just the beginning.
> 
> 
> 
> No, def not a match. So it’s purely sexual. I was sitting here wondering if it means anything outside of the bedroom. What would that look like? Smack him around while we grocery shop lol?!
Click to expand...

Yes he may also want it outside the bedroom. He may want you to smack him around at least verbally in his ear while you grocery shop. Submissive men have a lot of specific things they want you to do to them.

Which is why I could never do it, I would not even want to be with someone who likes to role play like this, because I would know he doesn’t actually want to get super manly with me, he just always wishes I was the one being manly. That’s how it would feel. 

A naturally dominant woman would love this however.


----------



## Not

Definitely not my cup of tea. There’s so much out there I’m not aware of and wouldn’t want. I have noticed some men state on their profiles they’re looking for a sexually adventurous woman. I tend to avoid those but not because I’m not sexually adventurous but because I don’t know what they mean by it.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> I am not sure of all the rebound talk. My wife cheated on me over 3 years ago. That’s the day my M ended. I’ve been in limbo and IC for almost 2 years. *In my mind and in my heart*, *I have moved on*. The only reason it took so long to D was because I was already in court from wife #1 and couldn’t have two court battles going at the same time. Emotionally or financially. I’m not out to hurt anyone, myself included.


So I'm not sure if you did not know you weren't moved on yet or if you are just fooling yourself. But definitely based on your other new thread, you have not moved on. This is what some of us were trying to tell you. You will start dating and quickly find out why it is difficult to do when you have not moved on yet. I know from doing that myself.


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> So I'm not sure if you did not know you weren't moved on yet or if you are just fooling yourself. But definitely based on your other new thread, you have not moved on. This is what some of us were trying to tell you. You will start dating and quickly find out why it is difficult to do when you have not moved on yet. I know from doing that myself.


THIS. I read your other thread, too, and I wholeheartedly agree with this post.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## RandomDude

Not said:


> My date for Saturday had to be rescheduled so no news on that front. We’re going to try again one evening this week. I do want to meet him. 6’4 with a superman tattoo on his bicep lol!
> 
> I was just on plenty of fish and got a message from someone that has me scratching my head. He says he’s looking for a dominate woman and that he would be her property under her control. What in the heck does that even mean? He says he’s dominate in public though. I totally don’t get it. What would that look like?


WTF
Well knowing men though, many say all kinds of things to get a foot in the door, who knows what he's planning or meaning.

My girlfriend is currently looking for another job and one guy was very professional offering her a referral and everything seemed legit but after he got her contact details he started flirting with her which led her to blocking him. Like... really? Always amazes me what many men would stoop to.



3Xnocharm said:


> So, beautiful is all it takes to control him?? What a moron.


:rofl:


----------



## Faithful Wife

RandomDude said:


> WTF
> Well knowing men though, many say all kinds of things to get a foot in the door, *who knows what he's planning or meaning*.


If you're kink aware, it's very obvious what he means. We would not know for sure how far he wants to go with it, but he most certainly is a submissive and this has a very specific meaning.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> RandomDude said:
> 
> 
> 
> WTF
> Well knowing men though, many say all kinds of things to get a foot in the door, *who knows what he's planning or meaning*.
> 
> 
> 
> If you're kink aware, it's very obvious what he means. We would not know for sure how far he wants to go with it, but he most certainly is a submissive and this has a very specific meaning.
Click to expand...

I thought it was pretty obvious too. At least he was up front about it.


----------



## FeministInPink

Numb26 said:


> I thought it was pretty obvious too. At least he was up front about it.


It's pretty plain on my dating profile, though I don't elaborate, that I'm kinky, monogamous sub looking for [monogamous] Dominant.

NOBODY f'in reads it, I swear to god. Most guys I match with are vanilla and surprised to learn that I'm kinky, or they are poly/open looking for a secondary/tertiary partner, or they are submissive and want ME to be the Domme.

NO, DUDE. READ MY PROFILE. I'M NOT A SWITCH. I'M NOT A DOMME. I'M NOT POLY. I'M NOT VANILLA.

I have no problem with a vanilla guy who is interested in exploring D/s play, as long as he's actually single and isn't secretly submissive. I will happily be his guide. We all have to start somewhere.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia

Not said:


> I do believe it’s highly unlikely that I’ll meet another B but I do need to be observant for my own peace of mind. It wears me out just thinking about it but it’s either that or give upon dating for a good long while. And I think I’ve realized after reading and thinking about your post that it’s me I don’t trust. These new guys have nothing to do with what happened to with B and I don’t need to be dumping my crap on them because I screwed up and didn’t recognize what was happening right in front of me. I wouldn’t want that done to me by a new guy.


I've been thinking quite a bit about some of the things you've posted regarding the kind of men who you attract and who find you attractive. I am concerned that you may find another man with the same issues, because that is who you are attracting, but it's not because there is something wrong with you. Here's an excerpt from an article you might be interested in, 
"What narcissists see in empaths is a giving, loving person who is going to try and be devoted to you and love you and listen to you," she said. "But unfortunately empaths are attracted to narcissists, because at first this is about a false self. Narcissists present a false self, where they can seem charming and intelligent, and even giving, until you don't do things their way, and then they get cold, withholding and punishing." https://www.businessinsider.com/why-empaths-and-narcissists-are-attracted-to-each-other-2018-1
Many people are attracted to kind, generous, forgiving people, not because they appreciate and love those people, but because they know how to manipulate and use them. The key is for a kind, generous, forgiving person to learn to recognize these wolves in sheep's clothing and protect themselves from them. Asking questions to vet them and telling them your fears is dangerous, because they will see your vulnerability and you have just told them how to manipulate you. Don't give them a map. There is no shortcut to getting to know someone. It takes time and caution.


----------



## Numb26

FeministInPink said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I thought it was pretty obvious too. At least he was up front about it.
> 
> 
> 
> It's pretty plain on my dating profile, though I don't elaborate, that I'm kinky, monogamous sub looking for [monogamous] Dominant.
> 
> NOBODY f'in reads it, I swear to god. Most guys I match with are vanilla and surprised to learn that I'm kinky, or they are poly/open looking for a secondary/tertiary partner, or they are submissive and want ME to be the Domme.
> 
> NO, DUDE. READ MY PROFILE. I'M NOT A SWITCH. I'M NOT A DOMME. I'M NOT POLY. I'M NOT VANILLA.
> 
> I have no problem with a vanilla guy who is interested in exploring D/s play, as long as he's actually single and isn't secretly submissive. I will happily be his guide. We all have to start somewhere.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I don't think it's that people don't read it, it's that (in my experience anyway) people have a certain perception when someone says they are kink.

For men, seeing it, they automatically think that it means you are a sex crazed nymphomaniac who will jump into bed in an instant.

For women, it means sexual predator with mental issues that they need to run from.

At least, that has been my experience


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Cynthia said:


> I've been thinking quite a bit about some of the things you've posted regarding the kind of men who you attract and who find you attractive. I am concerned that you may find another man with the same issues, because that is who you are attracting, but it's not because there is something wrong with you. Here's an excerpt from an article you might be interested in,
> "What narcissists see in empaths is a giving, loving person who is going to try and be devoted to you and love you and listen to you," she said. "But unfortunately empaths are attracted to narcissists, because at first this is about a false self. Narcissists present a false self, where they can seem charming and intelligent, and even giving, until you don't do things their way, and then they get cold, withholding and punishing." https://www.businessinsider.com/why-empaths-and-narcissists-are-attracted-to-each-other-2018-1
> Many people are attracted to kind, generous, forgiving people, not because they appreciate and love those people, but because they know how to manipulate and use them. The key is for a kind, generous, forgiving person to learn to recognize these wolves in sheep's clothing and protect themselves from them. Asking questions to vet them and telling them your fears is dangerous, because they will see your vulnerability and you have just told them how to manipulate you. Don't give them a map. There is no shortcut to getting to know someone. It takes time and caution.


This is the exact issue I have run into as well. I can only hope that once I wade back out into the dating pool that I will have learned enough lessons to be able to flush them out.


----------



## Cynthia

3Xnocharm said:


> This is the exact issue I have run into as well. I can only hope that once I wade back out into the dating pool that I will have learned enough lessons to be able to flush them out.


The problem with people like this is that they use people's best qualities against them. I'm not sure how to avoid this, except to take your time in getting to know people and be careful about how much you give until you truly know someone.

For those who have been targeted by narcissists, it's important to learn and understand narcissistic traits, so you can spot them as early as possible. Here's an article to start with: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201812/how-spot-narcissist


----------



## Affaircare

@Not

(waving) Hi! I am an empath too, and my first H (exH now) was a Narcissist. I'm not kidding--I empathize with what you're going through!

I belong to a group of Empaths, Old Souls & Introverts, and we have a WHOLE SECTION on Toxic Relationships: Empaths and Narcissists. https://empathplanet.com/?cat=1403

The rest of that particular website can be a little "new age" for my taste, as I'm not sure we are RULED by astrology so much as influenced or there are certain trends... Thus I suggest you do what I do: take what you can learn from, and don't worry about the rest. Maybe it's useful, maybe not, and maybe not right now.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Affaircare said:


> @Not
> 
> 
> 
> (waving) Hi! I am an empath too, and my first H (exH now) was a Narcissist. I'm not kidding--I empathize with what you're going through!
> 
> 
> 
> I belong to a group of Empaths, Old Souls & Introverts, and we have a WHOLE SECTION on Toxic Relationships: Empaths and Narcissists. https://empathplanet.com/?cat=1403
> 
> .



Omg I follow this on Facebook! 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

Numb26 said:


> I thought it was pretty obvious too. At least he was up front about it.


I am glad he was up front with it. I’d much prefer that versus finding out a couple of dates in. As for kink, I might be the most kink ignorant person on this forum, not kidding. I have to ask about this stuff.


----------



## Numb26

Not said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I thought it was pretty obvious too. At least he was up front about it.
> 
> 
> 
> I am glad he was up front with it. I’d much prefer that versus finding out a couple of dates in. As for kink, I might be the most kink ignorant person on this forum, not kidding. I have to ask about this stuff.
Click to expand...

If more people were up front about their likes, dislikes, etc. it would be much simpler to weed out those who don't match. Ask away, we are always here to help with your kink needs. Haha


----------



## Not

Cynthia said:


> I've been thinking quite a bit about some of the things you've posted regarding the kind of men who you attract and who find you attractive. I am concerned that you may find another man with the same issues, because that is who you are attracting, but it's not because there is something wrong with you. Here's an excerpt from an article you might be interested in,
> "What narcissists see in empaths is a giving, loving person who is going to try and be devoted to you and love you and listen to you," she said. "But unfortunately empaths are attracted to narcissists, because at first this is about a false self. Narcissists present a false self, where they can seem charming and intelligent, and even giving, until you don't do things their way, and then they get cold, withholding and punishing." https://www.businessinsider.com/why-empaths-and-narcissists-are-attracted-to-each-other-2018-1
> Many people are attracted to kind, generous, forgiving people, not because they appreciate and love those people, but because they know how to manipulate and use them. The key is for a kind, generous, forgiving person to learn to recognize these wolves in sheep's clothing and protect themselves from them. Asking questions to vet them and telling them your fears is dangerous, because they will see your vulnerability and you have just told them how to manipulate you. Don't give them a map. There is no shortcut to getting to know someone. It takes time and caution.



I’ve been thinking about it too. Thinking back on my life and how people have treated me I can see there is something I give off that causes people to see me as sweet. I’ve heard it over and over through the years. I never had to worry about bullies in school because everyone liked me even though I didn’t have many friends and was sort of a loner. No one really knew me but everyone liked me.

I apparently still give off whatever it is people are picking up on and I have no idea what it is exactly so I don’t know how to “hide” it. Whatever it is is what got me my current job. My supervisor at the time hired me for my personality. He even pointed out that he loved the fact that I get along with everyone but I’m not part of any of the clique’s at work. Same dynamic as when I was younger.

I can’t hide what I am so I’m not sure how I’ll be able to avoid this happening again. Even if I don’t ask questions and don’t tell them my fears I’ll still be sweet little me (lol!) sitting there not knowing if the person I’m talking to is genuine or acting off of what he’s picking up from me. Figuring that out will take a lot of time. Still thinking on it all.....


----------



## Not

Affaircare said:


> @Not
> 
> (waving) Hi! I am an empath too, and my first H (exH now) was a Narcissist. I'm not kidding--I empathize with what you're going through!
> 
> I belong to a group of Empaths, Old Souls & Introverts, and we have a WHOLE SECTION on Toxic Relationships: Empaths and Narcissists. https://empathplanet.com/?cat=1403
> 
> The rest of that particular website can be a little "new age" for my taste, as I'm not sure we are RULED by astrology so much as influenced or there are certain trends... Thus I suggest you do what I do: take what you can learn from, and don't worry about the rest. Maybe it's useful, maybe not, and maybe not right now.


I’ll check that out, thanks! I’m not into new agey stuff either but the section you linked should be a good resource for me!


----------



## Cynthia

@Not, It isn't about changing whatever vibe you are giving off. It is about learning to discern who is safe and who isn't. From what you described about yourself, you are perfect the way you are, however, it would be good to be standoffish with new men and take your time getting to know who they are before investing anything into a relationship. I also think that it might be good for you to date more than one man at a time and be upfront about it, because that does not come off as sweet. It comes across as self-assured and assertive, which would help ward off the jerks.


----------



## FeministInPink

Numb26 said:


> I don't think it's that people don't read it, it's that (in my experience anyway) people have a certain perception when someone says they are kink.
> 
> For men, seeing it, they automatically think that it means you are a sex crazed nymphomaniac who will jump into bed in an instant.
> 
> For women, it means sexual predator with mental issues that they need to run from.
> 
> At least, that has been my experience


I don't care what vanilla people think when they read it, because I'm not looking for a vanilla partner. 

The KINKY people who respond are the ones who aren't reading it 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

Not said:


> I’ve been thinking about it too. Thinking back on my life and how people have treated me I can see there is something I give off that causes people to see me as sweet. I’ve heard it over and over through the years. I never had to worry about bullies in school because everyone liked me even though I didn’t have many friends and was sort of a loner. No one really knew me but everyone liked me.
> 
> I apparently still give off whatever it is people are picking up on and I have no idea what it is exactly so I don’t know how to “hide” it. Whatever it is is what got me my current job. My supervisor at the time hired me for my personality. He even pointed out that he loved the fact that I get along with everyone but I’m not part of any of the clique’s at work. Same dynamic as when I was younger.
> 
> I can’t hide what I am so I’m not sure how I’ll be able to avoid this happening again. Even if I don’t ask questions and don’t tell them my fears I’ll still be sweet little me (lol!) sitting there not knowing if the person I’m talking to is genuine or acting off of what he’s picking up from me. Figuring that out will take a lot of time. Still thinking on it all.....



Sometimes just letting someone know right off the bat what you will absolutely walk away from can help. I almost married a guy with BPD with severe narcissistic tendencies. My life was hell with him. Anyone I've dated since I've told very early on that I absolutely will walk away if I'm called a *****, *****, ****, etc. That alone tells them I'm not going to be easy to manipulate anymore. 

When I told my boyfriend this he was horrified that I felt I needed to say such a thing. My exH may have turned out not to be for me, but I will give him this...he paid attention and never ever broke that rule in the 25 years we were together. We rarely fought but when we did we were very respectful to each other. 

Sometimes letting someone know ahead of time that you will walk away from their abuse can be a lifesaver.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> It means he is submissive. If you don’t know what it would entail to be a dominant woman then you are most likely not going to be a match with this guy. If you were into that you would have already been curious about it before now.
> 
> Submissive men want you to tie them up, sometimes humiliate or degrade them, many of them want to be pegged. And that’s just the beginning.


FW, you should write a weekly column or blog. I would read it. You know so much about everyone’s challenges. You are such a big help to me and I guess I want to read more. What’s your theory on pegging? Lol. Have you’ve ever done it? Lol. Jk, don’t actually answer that. I just think people’s behavior is so odd.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> So I'm not sure if you did not know you weren't moved on yet or if you are just fooling yourself. But definitely based on your other new thread, you have not moved on. This is what some of us were trying to tell you. You will start dating and quickly find out why it is difficult to do when you have not moved on yet. I know from doing that myself.


Yes, you are 100% correct. I thought I was tough and nothing was going to get me but this did. Especially in the manner in which I found out. What a gut punch. 
Meanwhile, the woman I saw once is still texting from her vacation down south. I don’t want her to get drawn in on false hope but I still don’t know where she stands. She has been supportive throughout my process and negotiations.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, you are 100% correct. I thought I was tough and nothing was going to get me but this did. Especially in the manner in which I found out. What a gut punch.
> Meanwhile, the woman I saw once is still texting from her vacation down south. I don’t want her to get drawn in on false hope but I still don’t know where she stands. She has been supportive throughout my process and negotiations.


If nothing else, it's a good thing that you have someone like her to talk to, connect with, etc. A good start, even if it's very small and incremental.


----------



## bkyln309

Thanks FP for the tag. I have been reading occasionally but things have been slammed at work. After my brothers death and my breakup with the older man in August, I committed to therapy every week. I was going through so much grief and anxiety. It has helped so much to get perspective. After many conversations with my therapist, I decided to see the older man again. Not in an exclusive way but just to date. My therapist was brilliant on a plan that helped me identify the issues and address the issues with the OM. It has lead to a much more open relationship with us. I continue to date with him in the pool. While none of the other dates are longer term material, it has relived me of this great pressure to make things work out with the OM. I do enjoy his company and with all the other stresses of life, it has been nice to just relax in the relationship area. 

Work has been very stressful and political. All the things I hate doing on a day to day basis so my work life and family life with kids has been my primary focus. 

Hope everyone else is well.


----------



## Not

Question about submissive men... are submissive men interested in normal sex with a woman at all? Maybe like, as in taking turns? He gets what he wants and next time she gets what she wants?

I got another submissive message this morning and I’m wondering if these men even can perform in the way I would expect a man to perform? With some pizzaz and spunk? Just trying to understand.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Question about submissive men... are submissive men interested in normal sex with a woman at all? Maybe like, as in taking turns? He gets what he wants and next time she gets what she wants?
> 
> I got another submissive message this morning and I’m wondering if these men even can perform in the way I would expect a man to perform? With some pizzaz and spunk? Just trying to understand.


Some can switch things up but generally speaking, they will always be wanting you to take charge. And it can get very weird. I would say stay away unless you actually have some curiosity about being dominant.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> Some can switch things up but generally speaking, they will always be wanting you to take charge. And it can get very weird. I would say stay away unless you actually have some curiosity about being dominant.


Thanks FF. I'm talking with the guy I was supposed to meet over the weekend and I've been showing him these submissive messages and we're both wondering how it works. I didn't respond to either message so each man got his answer but me being me I got curious.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Some can switch things up but generally speaking, they will always be wanting you to take charge. And it can get very weird. I would say stay away unless you actually have some curiosity about being dominant.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks FF. I'm talking with the guy I was supposed to meet over the weekend and I've been showing him these submissive messages and we're both wondering how it works. I didn't respond to either message so each man got his answer but me being me I got curious.
Click to expand...

Generally speaking, a submissive man will want you to possibly restrain him, humiliate and degrade him verbally, and treat him like trash. Some may take things further and want to be pegged. Some may want you to “make them” wear women panties. 

If a man is only a little into this he can usually also be a bit dominant towards you or at least just fun and rowdy. But what I’ve seen and heard is that most of them deeply want to be dominated every time and basically can’t be aroused without it or at least thinking about it. So even if they are playing the other role of being a bit more dominant they will be fantasizing that they are the one getting thrown on the bed and wearing the panties. 

For most of them it will always be their main desire and they can’t really step out of that role even when they pretend to.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> FW, you should write a weekly column or blog. I would read it. You know so much about everyone’s challenges. You are such a big help to me and I guess I want to read more. What’s your theory on pegging? Lol. Have you’ve ever done it? Lol. Jk, don’t actually answer that. I just think people’s behavior is so odd.


Glad I can help. I actually used to have a blog when I was married. It was too painful to continue after we split up, but I have contemplated starting a new one.

I don't really have a theory on pegging, it is just something that some men enjoy. Some enjoy it a LOT, some are just curious about it then try it and aren't so into it anymore. The ones who enjoy it a lot will do just about anything to get it!!

Not just submissive men are into it, plenty of otherwise vanilla or average dudes are into it too, because apparently it feels good (to them). So I think most men just enjoy the feeling of it and it doesn't mean anything more than that.


----------



## Hiner112

So I have a final court date for the divorce. March 2 we are going to make it official, I think. Hopefully I can get the QDRO signed at the same time so we don't have to go back. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

Hiner112 said:


> So I have a final court date for the divorce. March 2 we are going to make it official, I think. Hopefully I can get the QDRO signed at the same time so we don't have to go back.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


I was able to get the QDRO signed at the time of separation using my legal separation agreement. Most bank documentation sites the divorce decree, but not any other document.

I did use a lawyer to help with that part of my divorce, though.


----------



## Hiner112

attheend02 said:


> I was able to get the QDRO signed at the time of separation using my legal separation agreement. Most bank documentation sites the divorce decree, but not any other document.
> 
> 
> 
> I did use a lawyer to help with that part of my divorce, though.


Virginia doesn't require or really recognize legal separation except for cases where interim child / spousal support is requested. We're going pro se all the way and I am thinking that the QDRO is the only worrying part. The quit claim deed was relatively easy. The VA release of obligation has to wait for the official decree but seems straightforward. The QDRO description from the department of labor was something like 130 pages long but there was a "model" that my administrator had which I *think* was enough for us to get it right.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

Hiner112 said:


> Virginia doesn't require or really recognize legal separation except for cases where interim child / spousal support is requested. We're going pro se all the way and I am thinking that the QDRO is the only worrying part. The quit claim deed was relatively easy. The VA release of obligation has to wait for the official decree but seems straightforward. The QDRO description from the department of labor was something like 130 pages long but there was a "model" that my administrator had which I *think* was enough for us to get it right.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


Sounds like you've covered your bases. Good luck and congratulations.

I have been divorced for a couple of weeks now. I actually do feel different now that its settling in, but wasn't sure I would. 
I had to deal with my STBXW yesterday regarding termination of health insurance and didn't feel stress about it because it is no longer my problem!


----------



## Not

notmyjamie said:


> Sometimes just letting someone know right off the bat what you will absolutely walk away from can help. I almost married a guy with BPD with severe narcissistic tendencies. My life was hell with him. Anyone I've dated since I've told very early on that I absolutely will walk away if I'm called a *****, *****, ****, etc. That alone tells them I'm not going to be easy to manipulate anymore.
> 
> When I told my boyfriend this he was horrified that I felt I needed to say such a thing. My exH may have turned out not to be for me, but I will give him this...he paid attention and never ever broke that rule in the 25 years we were together. We rarely fought but when we did we were very respectful to each other.
> 
> *Sometimes letting someone know ahead of time that you will walk away from their abuse can be a lifesaver*.


Thanks for sharing that Jamie. 

The bolded part, that’s exactly where I was heading with my thoughts when I originally asked my question about mentioning my experience with B. I was thinking if I let them know I’ve been there and done that and won’t do it again they’d be warned and the ones who then chose to continue seeing me would maybe be worth getting to know. The ones who run? Let them run. 

And it’s not something I’d harp on and on about. I’d mention it one time and let it stand as a warning. That’s what my thought process was.


----------



## Sue4473

Ok FaithfulWife I’m here 😆
My post wasn’t about me as much as it was just curious. I over think obviously!!
But hey. My teenager doesn’t think I’m cool anymore, so I have to think of other interesting topics!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Sue4473 said:


> Ok Faithful Wife! I’m here 😆
> My post wasn’t about me as much as it was just curious. I over think obviously!!
> But hey. My teenager doesn’t think I’m cool anymore, so I have to think of other interesting topics!


Welcome Sue! Your question was a good one. I am not sure if the answer is different for men and women. I think the main reason people date casually is because they don’t want commitment but they do want sex.


----------



## Hiner112

I am probably going to date casually at first when/if I start dating after my divorce. My ex was literally the first person to go out on more than two dates with me and she has turned out to not be a good fit. I should meet more than one or two women before settling down for another couple decades to make sure that I am making the right decision. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Sue4473 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok Faithful Wife! I’m here 😆
> My post wasn’t about me as much as it was just curious. I over think obviously!!
> But hey. My teenager doesn’t think I’m cool anymore, so I have to think of other interesting topics!
> 
> 
> 
> Welcome Sue! Your question was a good one. I am not sure if the answer is different for men and women. I think the main reason people date casually is because they don’t want commitment but they do want sex.
Click to expand...

I would fall under this category. I do not want a commitment right now but also don't want to sit in my house all the time. As long as you are up front with the person you are dating and don't give any false hope of something more then it shouldn't be an issue


----------



## notmyjamie

Hiner112 said:


> So I have a final court date for the divorce. March 2 we are going to make it official, I think. Hopefully I can get the QDRO signed at the same time so we don't have to go back.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk



Hope everything goes ok today @Hiner112!!! I'm waiting for my divorce certificate so I can start the QDRO process. 




Not said:


> Thanks for sharing that Jamie.
> 
> The bolded part, that’s exactly where I was heading with my thoughts when I originally asked my question about mentioning my experience with B. I was thinking if I let them know I’ve been there and done that and won’t do it again they’d be warned and the ones who then chose to continue seeing me would maybe be worth getting to know. The ones who run? Let them run.
> 
> And it’s not something I’d harp on and on about. I’d mention it one time and let it stand as a warning. That’s what my thought process was.


I was very clear about my boundaries but not until it looked like we were headed into a more serious type of relationship. We had a few conversations about ex's, why we were divorcing, etc and I let it be known then. I won't tolerate being disrespected or dishonesty. I can't tolerate lies and they always come out so don't even waste yours or my time. I wouldn't have such a heavy conversation super early in the dating process but as time goes on and things get more serious it needs to be said. After I said it I asked my boyfriend what his boundaries were...his only one was that I be faithful to him. That's a pretty easy one for me to honor. :laugh:


----------



## Sue4473

I agree but worry about the other person not being monogamous. I’m sure that’s not what casual dating is, but I don’t want to explore sexually with him and every woman he dates.

Of course there need to be communication on both our parts.


----------



## notmyjamie

Numb26 said:


> I would fall under this category. I do not want a commitment right now but also don't want to sit in my house all the time. As long as you are up front with the person you are dating and don't give any false hope of something more then it shouldn't be an issue


Just don't wait to be honest. I've seen a lot of posts in a post divorce group from women who have had several dates with someone, lots of texting, phone calls, etc and think things are progressing only to have the man then say "I don't want a commitment, I'm dating other women and will keep doing so, etc, etc" and the women are crushed. I think it's a first date kind of conversation because even if your dating profile says as much, there are too many women out there who will convince themselves you've changed your mind based on frequent dates, sex, phone calls, etc. It's sad actually. Just something to keep in mind.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Sue4473 said:


> I agree but worry about the other person not being monogamous. I’m sure that’s not what casual dating is, but I don’t want to explore sexually with him and every woman he dates.
> 
> Of course there need to be communication on both our parts.


I would say yes, if someone says they are only dating casually, it means they are most likely dating (and having sex with) other people. 

Though you could date casually and be exclusive with that person, but that would have to be discussed beforehand. If it was not discussed, always assume they are dating others.


----------



## Faithful Wife

notmyjamie said:


> Just don't wait to be honest. I've seen a lot of posts in a post divorce group from women who have had several dates with someone, lots of texting, phone calls, etc and think things are progressing only to have the man then say "I don't want a commitment, I'm dating other women and will keep doing so, etc, etc" and the women are crushed. *I think it's a first date kind of conversation* because even if your dating profile says as much, there are too many women out there who will convince themselves you've changed your mind based on frequent dates, sex, phone calls, etc. It's sad actually. Just something to keep in mind.


It is definitely a first date conversation with me. Or actually I usually bring it up while we are still messaging on the app. Thankfully, the answers I've received are always either a yes for sure that's what I want too, or a no I'm not actually ready to say I would be exclusive. Makes it easy for me.


----------



## wilson

Speaking of dating multiple people at once, do the people here think that the dates themselves should reflect the level of commitment the couple has with each other? For example, coffee dates are easy and don't really signify a lot. But going to the pound and picking out a puppy to adopt implies something much more long term with a deeper commitment. For someone who is dating multiple people and trying to decide, should they go all in with each person or keep things at a more casual level until they are only seeing one person?


----------



## Faithful Wife

wilson said:


> Speaking of dating multiple people at once, do the people here think that the dates themselves should reflect the level of commitment the couple has with each other? For example, coffee dates are easy and don't really signify a lot. But going to the pound and picking out a puppy to adopt implies something much more long term with a deeper commitment. For someone who is dating multiple people and trying to decide, should they go all in with each person or keep things at a more casual level until they are only seeing one person?


I don't go on a 3rd date unless I know we are about to or already have declared exclusivity. And I don't go on any meaningful or important kinds of dates until after that point.


----------



## notmyjamie

wilson said:


> Speaking of dating multiple people at once, do the people here think that the dates themselves should reflect the level of commitment the couple has with each other? For example, coffee dates are easy and don't really signify a lot. But going to the pound and picking out a puppy to adopt implies something much more long term with a deeper commitment. For someone who is dating multiple people and trying to decide, should they go all in with each person or keep things at a more casual level until they are only seeing one person?


I think going on more meaningful dates with someone you are only casually dating is setting yourself and your date up for some mixed messages and difficulties. I can see someone (man or woman) thinking, "gee...we said this was just casual, but we picked out a puppy together and we're training it together, things must have moved on to something more serious" and then one of two things happens...he/she changes their mindset to accommodate this new dynamic they've envisioned and get hurt when they find out they were wrong, or the person ends things because they don't want something so serious. Either way, you've just screwed up your casual dating relationship.


----------



## Not

Well it looks like I may have been worried over nothing or at least with the current guy I’ve been talking to for the past 6 or 7 days anyway. We were talking about honesty and being lied to yesterday and I mentioned B and the money he borrowed after this new guy said something about his ex g lying to him on an important topic. I saw an opportunity so I took it. 

He asked lots of questions and now knows most of the story. I stuck to telling him about the lies that were told, just facts, and left out my opinions on what kind of person B is. He’s got quite an online dating horror story himself. He may be a one off. Other men who haven’t had crappy luck with dating may not have reacted as well. This guy relates and still wants to meet me. So I’m meeting with Superman ( his tattoo lol!) Saturday. 

In this particular situation I see the telling of our stories to each other as something separate from what I need to watch for. It was purely coincidental that he’s had a bad experience too. So I’ll still be watching this guy, any guy, like a hawk.


----------



## Not

Sue4473 said:


> I agree but worry about the other person not being monogamous. I’m sure that’s not what casual dating is, but I don’t want to explore sexually with him and every woman he dates.
> 
> Of course there need to be communication on both our parts.



Sue, are you not seeing any men stating they’re looking for a relationship or something long term? I focus on those men since they’re more than likely looking for monogamy as well.


----------



## Faithful Wife

This one wins most terrifying bedroom on a dating profile I’ve ever seen.


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> This one wins most terrifying bedroom on a dating profile I’ve ever seen.


Looks like he lives in a tent!


----------



## Sue4473

@Not- I have, but when it got down to it- they admitted they wanted it to be casual and no labels. 

I honestly think men or most lol want a glorified FWB. My opinion but it seems like it more and more. Sigh


----------



## Not

Numb26 said:


> Looks like he lives in a tent!


Exactly what I was thinking!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Looks like he lives in a tent!


Yes, once we get past the THREE huge dogs on the bed, the lack of a fitted sheet with only a flat sheet which does not even cover the entire mattress, no bed frame just box springs directly on the floor, the fact that apparently all of his laundry also goes on the bed for the dogs to trample as well, then we ALSO have what appears to be a plastic tent as the walls.

This was honestly on someone's profile. I'm guessing he will think some lady will be like "aww cute dogs!"

All I could think was "potential serial killer".


----------



## Not

Sue4473 said:


> @Not- I have, but when it got down to it- they admitted they wanted it to be casual and no labels.
> 
> I honestly think men or most lol want a glorified FWB. My opinion but it seems like it more and more. Sigh


I can see that happening. I think women do it too. I also think it may be something that happens when the interest/attraction isn’t quite where it needs to be for a long term match so it’s a warning that things just aren’t lining up for long term. One of them might then think FWB is better than nothing, at least for the time being. I’ve considered a FWB situation myself. No complications, no expectations etc.. Uncomplicated sounds so damn nice...but so does the emotional connection that comes with commitment.


----------



## Sue4473

@Not- after time I would think that emotional connection would happen, no?
If you’re having passionate sex and caressing one another, a connect of sort would start to form I think. Unless your some sort of Cyborg lol


----------



## Faithful Wife

Sue4473 said:


> @Not- after time I would think that emotional connection would happen, no?
> If you’re having passionate sex and caressing one another, a connect of sort would start to form I think. Unless your some sort of Cyborg lol


I don't think so, not always anyway. It definitely would be best to never assume a connection will form just because you are having sex with someone. They may be having sex with others too and not forming connections with them either but just getting sex from everyone.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Sue4473 said:


> @Not- after time I would think that emotional connection would happen, no?
> If you’re having passionate sex and caressing one another, a connect of sort would start to form I think. Unless your some sort of Cyborg lol


Yes this usually happens but just for ONE of the people involved.  Which is why I have avoided casual/FWB for the most part.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> This one wins most terrifying bedroom on a dating profile I’ve ever seen.


Come on now. You don’t find the romance in this? I’m sure he’d tell at least two of the dogs to get off the bed to make room for his woman, lol. When they are done, she can just slide the sheet aside and walk out to her car and go home.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Come on now. You don’t find the romance in this? I’m sure he’d tell at least two of the dogs to get off the bed to make room for his woman, lol. When they are done, she can just slide the sheet aside and walk out to her car and go home.


She won't be going home because the dogs are trained to eat the bodies of his victims.


----------



## notmyjamie

faithful wife said:


> she won't be going home because the dogs are trained to eat the bodies of his victims.


lmao!!!!!


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Come on now. You don’t find the romance in this? I’m sure he’d tell at least two of the dogs to get off the bed to make room for his woman, lol. When they are done, she can just slide the sheet aside and walk out to her car and go home.





Faithful Wife said:


> She won't be going home because the dogs are trained to eat the bodies of his victims.




Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

Faithful Wife said:


> This one wins most terrifying bedroom on a dating profile I’ve ever seen.


Is that a Dexter sheet around the bed? 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0773262/


----------



## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> This one wins most terrifying bedroom on a dating profile I’ve ever seen.
> 
> 
> 
> Is that a Dexter sheet around the bed?
> 
> https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0773262/
Click to expand...

Yes, exactly!


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> She won't be going home because the dogs are trained to eat the bodies of his victims.


Or he can lift the side of his house and toss the body out for the bears.


----------



## Not

LOL!!


----------



## Not

I cancelled my date with Superman. The conversation via text turned to the topic of sex and he then kept steering us back to that topic every time I tried to change the subject. We had sexual compatibility established but he went to far on the topic. I won’t date a he-***** and he is definitely that. It was like talking to a 17 year old who’s chased and bedded every skirt he’s seen. I think he thought he was impressing me. Nope, he can keep whatever bugs and microscopic wigglies he’s caught for himself and he can find some other chick who’ll swallow on command. God, the things you find out about people lol!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> I cancelled my date with Superman. The conversation via text turned to the topic of sex and he then kept steering us back to that topic every time I tried to change the subject. We had sexual compatibility established but he went to far on the topic. I won’t date a he-***** and he is definitely that. It was like talking to a 17 year old who’s chased and bedded every skirt he’s seen. I think he thought he was impressing me. Nope, he can keep whatever bugs and microscopic wigglies he’s caught for himself and he can find some other chick who’ll swallow on command. God, the things you find out about people lol!


You did great! I’ve done that a few times (canceled shortly before a date) when they get out of hand like that.

They will hang themselves if given enough rope. So I will text about sex or sexy stuff, but like I said I lead by example by not getting too personal, not getting nasty or explicit. I also don’t text like I’m trying to turn them on with dirty talk. I just talk about more general things and am a sexual person. But that doesn’t mean I will get into dirty details.

But if they can’t help themselves and have to get too dirty about it, they don’t follow my lead and keep it classy, they keep going on and yes, they seem to think they are turning you on somehow.....NEXT!!!!!

Sorry dude, you’re gross.


----------



## Faithful Wife

PS to my last post....I’m happy to know however that there are lots of guys who are highly sexual but who don’t do that crap. They just keep it PG13-ish while also being charming. And then when we have met and some I ended up dating for awhile, they were clearly going to be a fun and lusty lover. They just knew it is not good to get that personal in text before you’ve even met someone.

After I’ve seen someone for a bit and then had sex with them, I welcome truly naughty texts! We learn each other’s vibe and know what to say.

Before you have even met someone, it is too gross and presumptuous for a guy to assume his texting will turn you on. We are not robots who all respond to the same thing. Gross.

So it’s not sexy texts I’m opposed to it’s nasty texts from a rando (which every guy is until we have met a few times) I’m opposed to.


----------



## Cynthia

@Not, This is exactly what I was talking about. People will out themselves if you are paying attention. A lot of people would feel guilty about cancelling at the last minute like that, but you recognized that this was not what you are about and you put a quick end to it. Good for you. I'm impressed with your decisiveness.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> I cancelled my date with Superman. The conversation via text turned to the topic of sex and he then kept steering us back to that topic every time I tried to change the subject. We had sexual compatibility established but he went to far on the topic. I won’t date a he-***** and he is definitely that. It was like talking to a 17 year old who’s chased and bedded every skirt he’s seen. I think he thought he was impressing me. Nope, he can keep whatever bugs and microscopic wigglies he’s caught for himself and he can find some other chick who’ll swallow on command. God, the things you find out about people lol!


Good for you for enforcing your boundaries. 

What did he say when you cancelled?


----------



## Not

:nerd:


Lila said:


> Good for you for enforcing your boundaries.
> 
> What did he say when you cancelled?


I told him we weren’t sexually compatible, I’m not as free spirited (loose) as he is and he said he gets it. It got icky at the end and I stopped responding.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> PS to my last post....I’m happy to know however that there are lots of guys who are highly sexual but who don’t do that crap. They just keep it PG13-ish while also being charming. And then when we have met and some I ended up dating for awhile, they were clearly going to be a fun and lusty lover. They just knew it is not good to get that personal in text before you’ve even met someone.
> 
> After I’ve seen someone for a bit and then had sex with them, I welcome truly naughty texts! We learn each other’s vibe and know what to say.
> 
> Before you have even met someone, it is too gross and presumptuous for a guy to assume his texting will turn you on. We are not robots who all respond to the same thing. Gross.
> 
> So it’s not sexy texts I’m opposed to it’s nasty texts from a rando (which every guy is until we have met a few times) I’m opposed to.



Fully agree! I kept thinking....geezus dude we haven’t met yet and your telling me you’ll expect this and that and so on? WTH? 

He’s the first guy who’s done this. The rest have all been respectful with the questions and none of them went into explicit detail like he did and he wouldn’t shut up lol!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Love this tread! I’m learning a lot of do’s and don’ts. It’s interesting to also see this from the other genders perspective. 

I’ve joined the meetup app. It’s seems interesting to me and I think I’m going to try that first as a way to meet people, when ready. I think I make a better overall appearance in person than online.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Love this tread! I’m learning a lot of do’s and don’ts. It’s interesting to also see this from the other genders perspective.
> 
> I’ve joined the meetup app. It’s seems interesting to me and I think I’m going to try that first as a way to meet people, when ready. I think I make a better overall appearance in person than online.



Me too, in regards to the appearance in person. I state on my profile that I prefer to meet sooner than later for this reason. Though after my convo with Superman I’m glad I talked with him for awhile before meeting, saved me some trouble this time. 

I wish there were more men currently dating and sharing on this thread. I’d like to see things from their perspective!


----------



## Numb26

Not said:


> I wish there were more men currently dating and sharing on this thread. I’d like to see things from their perspective!


Well, when I have more then the one date I've had I will jump into this convo. Haha


----------



## Lila

The strangest thing happened to me. I met someone in real life at that anti Valentine's day party I went to a couple of weeks ago. He is a great guy - I find him attractive and he checks off every item. He asked me out on a date. Yeay, right? Well no, not really. I turned him down. 

Just thinking of the amount of energy needed to go through the whole "getting to know you" process made me 'nope' right out of there.


----------



## notmyjamie

Lila said:


> The strangest thing happened to me. I met someone in real life at that anti Valentine's day party I went to a couple of weeks ago. He is a great guy - I find him attractive and he checks off every item. He asked me out on a date. Yeay, right? Well no, not really. I turned him down.
> 
> Just thinking of the amount of energy needed to go through the whole "getting to know you" process made me 'nope' right out of there.


Sounds like you're a little burnt out with dating. Take a break...nothing wrong with that.


----------



## notmyjamie

The fact that I'm single is about to really hit home...my furnace was spewing water all over the basement, looks like a pipe is rusted through. ExH is on vacation. I'm gonna have to deal with the plumber tomorrow myself. I despise dealing with this crap. Thankfully, my boyfriend knows a thing or two so I will sound somewhat intelligent about things and hopefully not get screwed. 

Still better than being married though >


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> The strangest thing happened to me. I met someone in real life at that anti Valentine's day party I went to a couple of weeks ago. He is a great guy - I find him attractive and he checks off every item. He asked me out on a date. Yeay, right? Well no, not really. I turned him down.
> 
> Just thinking of the amount of energy needed to go through the whole "getting to know you" process made me 'nope' right out of there.


If you’re not in the right frame of mind or not feeling it, you did the right thing before you both invested time, wasted time. Hoping this is just temporary for you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> I wish there were more men currently dating and sharing on this thread. I’d like to see things from their perspective!


Yes, I’m boring, lol. I hope to have some stories sooner rather than later to help entertain the board! Haha


----------



## TXTrini

Hey guys, glad to see this thread is alive. I've been MIA dealing with a few things and am quite overwhelmed atm.

I'm still seeing the guy I started dating, though not as much as I'd love to. We've been exclusive from the getgo (we had the conversation on the first date, b/c the chemistry was irresistible). Our date morphed from a nice friendly museum trip (he walked right up to me and kissed me soundly in front of everyone in the gift shop!) to walking and talking in the park to a very hot makeout session in the carpark lol, dinner and long conversation after that before finally parting - a good 8 hrs in all.

It's been just over a month since we've been seeing each other, including a few overnights now that I've moved closer (we were a good 2hrs apart at the time of the first date, but still 30-40 mins now). The trouble is, he's not much of a talker/texter in between and I love communication. He's a man of few words and believes in action, which is all good, but a woman likes to hear a man voice his intent at least once.

I'm trying to hold back emotionally until I know where his head is at, we're very compatible in almost every way and I really like him and have been open about it. I asked about the scope of his interest outright the last time we were together (Monday) and he said he thought we were in the "feeling each other out stage". Fair enough, but he also mentioned our mismatched drives and I'm not exactly sure what's in his head atm, he won't say. In-person we have great conversation, we're both very affectionate and always touching each other even when we're just talking. 

The last time we were together, he couldn't perform, I know it bothered him a lot and I tried to console him and placed no expectations, but we haven't talked about it since. We spent that night in each other's arms sleeping, it was very intimate. I can't remember the last time I had that kind of intimacy with a man, not even with the ex! 

I think I'm starting to fall for him, but the limited communication between is really hard and I'm not sure what to do. I know we need to talk, but we've both been busy this week he's had his son this weekend and I didn't want to intrude on that- he doesn't see him as much as he 'd like. I've been so distracted, I've had a hard time keeping focus on my class and I feel myself starting to pull away. He's a really great guy, but I'm not interested in "making" anyone to want to be with me. I don't want to get too serious immediately or nail him down, I just need to know its safe to allow myself to fall in love with him, I see the potential. 

Any advice?


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> The strangest thing happened to me. I met someone in real life at that anti Valentine's day party I went to a couple of weeks ago. He is a great guy - I find him attractive and he checks off every item. He asked me out on a date. Yeay, right? Well no, not really. I turned him down.
> 
> Just thinking of the amount of energy needed to go through the whole "getting to know you" process made me 'nope' right out of there.


I think saying no was the right thing to do. He would have picked up on it had you gone out with him.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, I’m boring, lol. I hope to have some stories sooner rather than later to help entertain the board! Haha


No pressure lol! But do tell when you do get out there! :grin2:


----------



## Not

notmyjamie said:


> The fact that I'm single is about to really hit home...my furnace was spewing water all over the basement, looks like a pipe is rusted through. ExH is on vacation. I'm gonna have to deal with the plumber tomorrow myself. I despise dealing with this crap. Thankfully, my boyfriend knows a thing or two so I will sound somewhat intelligent about things and hopefully not get screwed.
> 
> Still better than being married though >



I feel you! My furnace keeps going out and it’s only five years old. Had a guy over three times this week and after $600 in labor and many parts being replaced I think it’s finally fixed. I was in a panic at first...cause you know...single woman who knows nothing! I actually tried to figure it out myself at first, you tube, looking up the codes it was flashing and shutting it fully down hoping it would reset something. But nooooooo, it had to be something bizarre these Lennox repairs guys had never seen before lol!


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I feel you! My furnace keeps going out and it’s only five years old. Had a guy over three times this week and after $600 in labor and many parts being replaced I think it’s finally fixed. I was in a panic at first...cause you know...single woman who knows nothing! I actually tried to figure it out myself at first, you tube, looking up the codes it was flashing and shutting it fully down hoping it would reset something. But nooooooo, it had to be something bizarre these Lennox repairs guys had never seen before lol!



Girl, I feel you. I just moved house and have been dealing with getting everything in place and learning fast- YouTube is the **** for that. The maybe bf wants to fix things, but I'm more interested in him taking care of me, I don't want a man doing things for me unless we're in a relationship. I'm happy you have help, but you can do it!


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Hey guys, glad to see this thread is alive. I've been MIA dealing with a few things and am quite overwhelmed atm.
> 
> I'm still seeing the guy I started dating, though not as much as I'd love to. We've been exclusive from the getgo (we had the conversation on the first date, b/c the chemistry was irresistible). Our date morphed from a nice friendly museum trip (he walked right up to me and kissed me soundly in front of everyone in the gift shop!) to walking and talking in the park to a very hot makeout session in the carpark lol, dinner and long conversation after that before finally parting - a good 8 hrs in all.
> 
> It's been just over a month since we've been seeing each other, including a few overnights now that I've moved closer (we were a good 2hrs apart at the time of the first date, but still 30-40 mins now). The trouble is, he's not much of a talker/texter in between and I love communication. He's a man of few words and believes in action, which is all good, but a woman likes to hear a man voice his intent at least once.
> 
> I'm trying to hold back emotionally until I know where his head is at, we're very compatible in almost every way and I really like him and have been open about it. I asked about the scope of his interest outright the last time we were together (Monday) and he said he thought we were in the "feeling each other out stage". Fair enough, but he also mentioned our mismatched drives and I'm not exactly sure what's in his head atm, he won't say. In-person we have great conversation, we're both very affectionate and always touching each other even when we're just talking.
> 
> The last time we were together, he couldn't perform, I know it bothered him a lot and I tried to console him and placed no expectations, but we haven't talked about it since. We spent that night in each other's arms sleeping, it was very intimate. I can't remember the last time I had that kind of intimacy with a man, not even with the ex!
> 
> I think I'm starting to fall for him, but the limited communication between is really hard and I'm not sure what to do. I know we need to talk, but we've both been busy this week he's had his son this weekend and I didn't want to intrude on that- he doesn't see him as much as he 'd like. I've been so distracted, I've had a hard time keeping focus on my class and I feel myself starting to pull away. He's a really great guy, but I'm not interested in "making" anyone to want to be with me. I don't want to get too serious immediately or nail him down, I just need to know its safe to allow myself to fall in love with him, I see the potential.
> 
> Any advice?


I say protect your heart at this time. Slow down until this compatibility issue gets brought out fully into the light and resolved. I will always be the last person to rain on a parade but this doesn’t sound good. It sounds like he has performance anxiety but won’t talk about why which really bothers me because the cat is out of the bag and he’s trying to pretend it’s not. Not good.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I feel you. I just moved house and have been dealing with getting everything in place and learning fast- YouTube is the **** for that. The maybe bf wants to fix things, but I'm more interested in him taking care of me, I don't want a man doing things for me unless we're in a relationship. I'm happy you have help, but you can do it!


I’m the same way, I won’t let a guy help me if we’re not together. I had a guy offer to change my brakes last month but I told him thank you but no. That totally wouldn’t feel right. 

And you tube is the bomb! That’s how I figured out that temperature cartridge adjustment rings exist and that’s why my daughter wasn’t getting any hot water in her shower. Momma fixed it lol!


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I say protect your heart at this time. Slow down until this compatibility issue gets brought out fully into the light and resolved. I will always be the last person to rain on a parade but this doesn’t sound good. It sounds like he has performance anxiety but won’t talk about why which really bothers me because the cat is out of the bag and he’s trying to pretend it’s not. Not good.


He's had no performance anxiety up to this point, uhm, we kinda couldn't wait a "decent amount of time" to get things going:surprise: He did say his drive is a lot lower than mine. I'm ok with that IF it's worth it to me i.e. there's more intimacy and real feelings. I'm the kind of woman who falls into with a man with intimacy, my drive is a double-edged sword.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> The strangest thing happened to me. I met someone in real life at that anti Valentine's day party I went to a couple of weeks ago. He is a great guy - I find him attractive and he checks off every item. He asked me out on a date. Yeay, right? Well no, not really. I turned him down.
> 
> Just thinking of the amount of energy needed to go through the whole "getting to know you" process made me 'nope' right out of there.


Wow Lila! I’m kind of shocked just because you had been wishing to just meet someone organically (not on the apps) who checks all the boxes.

But you must be just doing well with yourself right now, because the thought of spending that much energy wasn’t appealing. So good for you, love yourself and take care of yourself. Much less energy doing this than having a relationship with someone else.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> He's had no performance anxiety up to this point, uhm, we kinda couldn't wait a "decent amount of time" to get things going:surprise: He did say his drive is a lot lower than mine. I'm ok with that IF it's worth it to me i.e. there's more intimacy and real feelings. I'm the kind of woman who falls into with a man with intimacy, my drive is a double-edged sword.


I also make concessions for intimacy so I get you. 

It sounds like he’s got a lot on his mind if it’s affecting him in the bedroom. I know that if it were me I’d be doing the same thing you’re already doing, pulling back. I don’t see a whole lot you can do without having the necessary info he needs to provide you so you can figure out what you want to do about whatever it is! Not fair for you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Hey guys, glad to see this thread is alive. I've been MIA dealing with a few things and am quite overwhelmed atm.
> 
> I'm still seeing the guy I started dating, though not as much as I'd love to. We've been exclusive from the getgo (we had the conversation on the first date, b/c the chemistry was irresistible). Our date morphed from a nice friendly museum trip (he walked right up to me and kissed me soundly in front of everyone in the gift shop!) to walking and talking in the park to a very hot makeout session in the carpark lol, dinner and long conversation after that before finally parting - a good 8 hrs in all.
> 
> It's been just over a month since we've been seeing each other, including a few overnights now that I've moved closer (we were a good 2hrs apart at the time of the first date, but still 30-40 mins now). The trouble is, he's not much of a talker/texter in between and I love communication. He's a man of few words and believes in action, which is all good, but a woman likes to hear a man voice his intent at least once.
> 
> I'm trying to hold back emotionally until I know where his head is at, we're very compatible in almost every way and I really like him and have been open about it. I asked about the scope of his interest outright the last time we were together (Monday) and he said he thought we were in the "feeling each other out stage". Fair enough, but he also mentioned our mismatched drives and I'm not exactly sure what's in his head atm, he won't say. In-person we have great conversation, we're both very affectionate and always touching each other even when we're just talking.
> 
> The last time we were together, he couldn't perform, I know it bothered him a lot and I tried to console him and placed no expectations, but we haven't talked about it since. We spent that night in each other's arms sleeping, it was very intimate. I can't remember the last time I had that kind of intimacy with a man, not even with the ex!
> 
> I think I'm starting to fall for him, but the limited communication between is really hard and I'm not sure what to do. I know we need to talk, but we've both been busy this week he's had his son this weekend and I didn't want to intrude on that- he doesn't see him as much as he 'd like. I've been so distracted, I've had a hard time keeping focus on my class and I feel myself starting to pull away. He's a really great guy, but I'm not interested in "making" anyone to want to be with me. I don't want to get too serious immediately or nail him down, I just need to know its safe to allow myself to fall in love with him, I see the potential.
> 
> Any advice?


How old is he? I had a situation with performance anxiety when I met stbx. I was into her, so the pressure to perform well got into my head. I was in my early 30’s and a temporary RX fixed the issue. I did talk to her about it and she was cool. No reason for the 1000 pound gorilla to be in the room. I was off the RX within 2-3 weeks. 

I say this and share my own humbling, humiliating example to show that what’s going on in a man’s head effects the other head.


----------



## Lila

notmyjamie said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> The strangest thing happened to me. I met someone in real life at that anti Valentine's day party I went to a couple of weeks ago. He is a great guy - I find him attractive and he checks off every item. He asked me out on a date. Yeay, right? Well no, not really. I turned him down.
> 
> Just thinking of the amount of energy needed to go through the whole "getting to know you" process made me 'nope' right out of there.
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like you're a little burnt out with dating. Take a break...nothing wrong with that.
Click to expand...

I haven't been on a date since fall last year, lol. 

I think I've taken so long of a break, I've become content with my situation. I just don't want to put in the effort to meet someone new.

Eta:. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd rather stay home than go on a date.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I also make concessions for intimacy so I get you.
> 
> It sounds like he’s got a lot on his mind if it’s affecting him in the bedroom. I know that if it were me I’d be doing the same thing you’re already doing, pulling back. I don’t see a whole lot you can do without having the necessary info he needs to provide you so you can figure out what you want to do about whatever it is! Not fair for you.


I know he has a lot on his mind, I do too, but I still make time for him when he needs me. It just gets old feeling like I'm more into someone than he is into me. Then I see him and he just looks at me and smiles and touches my face and I melt. I'm just confused and I don't like it. I'm not a pushy person, I'd just rather go my way if he's not feeling me. It's not like I don't have options, I have more than I can handle and some of them are quite tempting.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> notmyjamie said:
> 
> 
> 
> The fact that I'm single is about to really hit home...my furnace was spewing water all over the basement, looks like a pipe is rusted through. ExH is on vacation. I'm gonna have to deal with the plumber tomorrow myself. I despise dealing with this crap. Thankfully, my boyfriend knows a thing or two so I will sound somewhat intelligent about things and hopefully not get screwed.
> 
> Still better than being married though <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_devil.png" border="0" alt="" title="Devil" ></a>
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I feel you! My furnace keeps going out and it’s only five years old. Had a guy over three times this week and after $600 in labor and many parts being replaced I think it’s finally fixed. I was in a panic at first...cause you know...single woman who knows nothing! I actually tried to figure it out myself at first, you tube, looking up the codes it was flashing and shutting it fully down hoping it would reset something. But nooooooo, it had to be something bizarre these Lennox repairs guys had never seen before lol!
Click to expand...

They need that magic wrench dontcha know


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> How old is he? I had a situation with performance anxiety when I met stbx. I was into her, so the pressure to perform well got into my head. I was in my early 30’s and a temporary RX fixed the issue. I did talk to her about it and she was cool. No reason for the 1000 pound gorilla to be in the room. I was off the RX within 2-3 weeks.
> 
> I say this and share my own humbling, humiliating example to show that what’s going on in a man’s head effects the other head.


Thank you for sharing your vulnerability RebuildingMe, I appreciate the male perspective. I've been very sensitive and caring and careful not to bruise his masculinity. 

He's 45, I'm 40. He's in good shape, better than me atm, but I have more stamina. I'm fine once I know what's going on. We're both introverted, funnily enough, the same type. We have great conversation, he expressed his amazement that we can have controversial discussions and opposite opinions without conflict on many topics. He's been game using other means to "do the job' so to speak, but I didn't ask for that on that occasion, just enjoyed the intimacy of being together, cuddling and talking. 

What's the best way to reassure a man in that situation?


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> The strangest thing happened to me. I met someone in real life at that anti Valentine's day party I went to a couple of weeks ago. He is a great guy - I find him attractive and he checks off every item. He asked me out on a date. Yeay, right? Well no, not really. I turned him down.
> 
> Just thinking of the amount of energy needed to go through the whole "getting to know you" process made me 'nope' right out of there.
> 
> 
> 
> Wow Lila! I’m kind of shocked just because you had been wishing to just meet someone organically (not on the apps) who checks all the boxes.
> 
> But you must be just doing well with yourself right now, because the thought of spending that much energy wasn’t appealing. So good for you, love yourself and take care of yourself. Much less energy doing this than having a relationship with someone else.
Click to expand...

I know, right? It's crazy. Caught me by surprise. This guy is great but I caught myself doing mental gymnastics to convince myself to go on this date. That wouldn't have happened a month ago. 

And don't get me wrong, i still enjoy going out and meeting new people but I don't want to put in the effort to date. I feel like dating is so draining. I'm still hopeful that I'm meet someone organically who starts as a friend and then evolves into something more.


----------



## Cynthia

TXTrini said:


> I know he has a lot on his mind, I do too, but I still make time for him when he needs me. It just gets old feeling like I'm more into someone than he is into me. Then I see him and he just looks at me and smiles and touches my face and I melt. I'm just confused and I don't like it. I'm not a pushy person, I'd just rather go my way if he's not feeling me. It's not like I don't have options, I have more than I can handle and some of them are quite tempting.


It sounds like he's not meeting your relationship needs.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Thank you for sharing your vulnerability RebuildingMe, I appreciate the male perspective. I've been very sensitive and caring and careful not to bruise his masculinity.
> 
> He's 45, I'm 40. He's in good shape, better than me atm, but I have more stamina. I'm fine once I know what's going on. We're both introverted, funnily enough, the same type. We have great conversation, he expressed his amazement that we can have controversial discussions and opposite opinions without conflict on many topics. He's been game using other means to "do the job' so to speak, but I didn't ask for that on that occasion, just enjoyed the intimacy of being together, cuddling and talking.
> 
> What's the best way to reassure a man in that situation?


I'm not sure there is anything you can do to reassure him. The reason I say this is that it sounds like he's not interested in either talking about it or fixing it. He's told you that he's LD compared to you and he's said he's still getting comfortable with the relationship. 

My opinion - HE needs to be reassuring YOU that your needs are being met. Treat him with respect but don't twist yourself into a pretzel solving his issues.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> I know he has a lot on his mind, I do too, but I still make time for him when he needs me. It just gets old feeling like I'm more into someone than he is into me. Then I see him and he just looks at me and smiles and touches my face and I melt. I'm just confused and I don't like it. I'm not a pushy person, I'd just rather go my way if he's not feeling me. It's not like I don't have options, I have more than I can handle and some of them are quite tempting.



In a healthy relationship, even a young one if both are communicating, confusion shouldn’t be happening. I see that as a red flag that something is out of whack. I know things can be bumpy in the beginning but if both parties are into each other equally and talk things out confusion shouldn’t be present. Listen to what your gut is saying. Something is off.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> I'm not sure there is anything you can do to reassure him. The reason I say this is that it sounds like he's not interested in either talking about it or fixing it. He's told you that he's LD compared to you and he's said he's still getting comfortable with the relationship.
> 
> My opinion - HE needs to be reassuring YOU that your needs are being met. Treat him with respect but don't twist yourself into a pretzel solving his issues.




Amen sister!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Cynthia said:


> It sounds like he's not meeting your relationship needs.


We're just a month into seeing each other, kinda early to be holding that against him considering we haven't exactly declared it a relationship yet. 

I'd just like to know we are headed in the same direction, or not. I wouldn't like to be pressured either, so I'm patient- I just hate not knowing.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I'm not sure there is anything you can do to reassure him. The reason I say this is that it sounds like he's not interested in either talking about it or fixing it. He's told you that he's LD compared to you and he's said he's still getting comfortable with the relationship.
> 
> My opinion - HE needs to be reassuring YOU that your needs are being met. Treat him with respect but don't twist yourself into a pretzel solving his issues.


To be fair, while I am open, and not avoidant, I don't push issues. IMO, people should be able to discuss the obvious and I don't care to "parent" a partner. I'm not in a hurry to jump onto someone else, so I'm ok giving things time, but I'll cut and run before I become too emotionally invested. I've just been trying not to drive myself nuts this weekend while he had his son, it would be terrible timing to force the issue and mar that time.

He was sick last week and still came over because he said he would, I like a man who does what he says he will. He also spends time with his elderly mother who lives alone and has expressed his desire to do more than be physical, I find his commitment to family and followthrough very attractive.

I've probably been demanding physically, we've had a very strong attraction from the getgo and after coming out of sexless marriage, I'm kinda thirsty :grin2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> What's the best way to reassure a man in that situation?


For me, it was that she was completely understanding about the situation. It was no big deal to her. She never made it a big deal. Quite honestly, and this was 15 years ago, she texted me a day or two later “you want a bj”? I remember it like yesterday. It was the best bj I ever had in my life. She made it all about me that night. Within a few nights, we were having sex successfully (for lack of a better word). It was all in my head, but her reaction to it is what got me right back on track. She was a good person back then, but she is now unrecognizable to me. That’s a story for another thread, lol.


----------



## Hiner112

Banter as a test:

I've been physical with someone once since mid 2018. If I was given a little bit of rope as a test, I'd almost certainly hang myself. Metaphorically speaking of course. 

The other likely outcome is that I completely miss or subconsciously ignore any suggestive banter. Participating in that kind of interaction was a recipe for disappointment the last couple years.

Performance issue:

I can confirm that wiggling him around and asking why it isn't hard yet is *not* the way to approach it. If I had that problem as an isolated incident I would try to forget it happened. I would definitely not masturbate before the next attempt and hope my SO didn't make a big deal about it either (and hope everything worked next time). If it happened more than once close together, I would then get the plumbing checked out and start to have serious (uncomfortable) discussions with my SO and doctor. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

So I just signed up for my first two meetup events. A brunch next Sunday and a bowling mixer in a couple of weeks. It’s time for me to move forward and have some activities away from this house. I’ll be sure to post my experiences. I was going to do the Sadie Hawkins dance, but reconsidered because this is all new to me.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> So I just signed up for my first two meetup events. A brunch next Sunday and a bowling mixer in a couple of weeks. It’s time for me to move forward and have some activities away from this house. I’ll be sure to post my experiences. I was going to do the Sadie Hawkins dance, but reconsidered because this is all new to me.


Yay, bowling!!

Do you bowl well? I’m always turned on by a man who does any sport well. Most men can beat me without even trying, so easy points!!


----------



## Faithful Wife

I have an update but I’m going to wait a bit before I post it all here.

The short version is that I reconnected with someone I was seeing about a year and a half ago, and we are going to try again and see how it goes. There have been a lot of changes in both of our lives since we were dating, and we are both happy to give this another chance.

I’m happy! And also I get to have sex tomorrow night, which wasn’t expected and came out of the blue because of this reconnection. Woot!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Yay, bowling!!
> 
> Do you bowl well? I’m always turned on by a man who does any sport well. Most men can beat me without even trying, so easy points!!


I do. I used to be in a league years ago and my high game was 261. I also golf very well, my dad taught me when I was about 12. I guess “team” sports are not my thing. 

I’m feeling some comedy coming out of these upcoming events. I hope I have a story to share with you guys.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Deleted. Not appropriate for this thread.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> I have an update but I’m going to wait a bit before I post it all here.
> 
> The short version is that I reconnected with someone I was seeing about a year and a half ago, and we are going to try again and see how it goes. There have been a lot of changes in both of our lives since we were dating, and we are both happy to give this another chance.
> 
> I’m happy! And also I get to have sex tomorrow night, which wasn’t expected and came out of the blue because of this reconnection. Woot!


I am jealous. I thought we were having dinner in Portland, lol. 

Serious question for you experienced daters. Does going back to the dry well again ever give you water? In other words, does dating an ex ever work for the exception of a cheating spouse?


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have an update but I’m going to wait a bit before I post it all here.
> 
> The short version is that I reconnected with someone I was seeing about a year and a half ago, and we are going to try again and see how it goes. There have been a lot of changes in both of our lives since we were dating, and we are both happy to give this another chance.
> 
> I’m happy! And also I get to have sex tomorrow night, which wasn’t expected and came out of the blue because of this reconnection. Woot!
> 
> 
> 
> I am jealous. I thought we were having dinner in Portland, lol.
> 
> Serious question for you experienced daters. Does going back to the dry well again ever give you water? In other words, does dating an ex ever work for the exception of a cheating spouse?
Click to expand...

Offer still stands for if you are in Portland!!

As for your question...I’ve gone back to the well a couple of times before and yes it was nice for a minute. Then you remember why you broke up. Maybe it was something you could have worked through the first time. Or maybe it is something you wish you had not agreed to try again.

In my case, the way and the reasons we broke up give me a good feeling, not a bad one. And so far I don’t have any thoughts like ugh no, I don’t want to proceed because it will be bad again.

Instead I have a feeling like, oh wow, I wish we had talked before now and really laid our hearts on the table.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> For me, it was that she was completely understanding about the situation. It was no big deal to her. She never made it a big deal. Quite honestly, and this was 15 years ago, she texted me a day or two later “you want a bj”? I remember it like yesterday. It was the best bj I ever had in my life. She made it all about me that night. Within a few nights, we were having sex successfully (for lack of a better word). It was all in my head, but her reaction to it is what got me right back on track. She was a good person back then, but she is now unrecognizable to me. That’s a story for another thread, lol.


Thank you for sharing that, I didn't want to make a big deal about it and cross-question him, he was very upset when it happened. Stupid me thought he was being extra affectionate and teasing, I didn't even realize what was happening until I asked if he was trying to drive me nuts :grin2:
I told him it was ok and suggested we just cuddle and enjoy the intimacy with no pressure and he seemed happy about that. We had a great night and conversation in the morning during breakfast before he left for work.

I'm just stressed out this week and everything's kicking me in the ass, so I'm probably just overthinking it.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> Banter as a test:
> 
> I've been physical with someone once since mid 2018. If I was given a little bit of rope as a test, I'd almost certainly hang myself. Metaphorically speaking of course.
> 
> The other likely outcome is that I completely miss or subconsciously ignore any suggestive banter. Participating in that kind of interaction was a recipe for disappointment the last couple years.
> 
> Performance issue:
> 
> I can confirm that wiggling him around and asking why it isn't hard yet is *not* the way to approach it. If I had that problem as an isolated incident I would try to forget it happened. I would definitely not masturbate before the next attempt and hope my SO didn't make a big deal about it either (and hope everything worked next time). If it happened more than once close together, I would then get the plumbing checked out and start to have serious (uncomfortable) discussions with my SO and doctor.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


Thanks for the insight Hiner. I never dated before 11/19, so I'm dumb about men in general :grin2: 

I really love this threat, it's been so helpful to navigate the unchartered territory of modern dating.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> I have an update but I’m going to wait a bit before I post it all here.
> 
> The short version is that I reconnected with someone I was seeing about a year and a half ago, and we are going to try again and see how it goes. There have been a lot of changes in both of our lives since we were dating, and we are both happy to give this another chance.
> 
> I’m happy! And also I get to have sex tomorrow night, which wasn’t expected and came out of the blue because of this reconnection. Woot!


lol I'm too excited anyone is getting to have sex, it's ridiculous. I hope you guys can talk it through this time.


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have an update but I’m going to wait a bit before I post it all here.
> 
> The short version is that I reconnected with someone I was seeing about a year and a half ago, and we are going to try again and see how it goes. There have been a lot of changes in both of our lives since we were dating, and we are both happy to give this another chance.
> 
> I’m happy! And also I get to have sex tomorrow night, which wasn’t expected and came out of the blue because of this reconnection. Woot!
> 
> 
> 
> lol I'm too excited anyone is getting to have sex, it's ridiculous. I hope you guys can talk it through this time.
Click to expand...

I’m way too excited to have sex too, woohoooo!!!!!

What we have talked through so far seems like tomorrow night is a sure thing. Swoon!


----------



## ReformedHubby

I had a bit of an awkward day yesterday. Ever since I started my newest relationship I do avoid places that my ex-girlfriend used to hang out at just because things were a bit crazy when things ended as far as her vandalizing my car, harassing my current girlfriend, and even my ex-wife. Yesterday the strangest thing happened. I was on a weekend getaway about 1000 miles from home and I am relaxing by the pool with my current girlfriend. I look over and there standing about 75 feet from me is my ex-girlfriend and two of her friends. They saw me and I saw them. It was surreal.

Looking back I took quite a bit of verbal and psychological abuse in that relationship. I guess I just wished they had showed up anywhere else. I never imagined they would pick the same city and same hotel to do a girls trip. Truth be told I wouldn't have thought the place was fancy enough for them. I guess God has a sense of humor and thought it would be funny to show me how small the world is. She looked really unhappy, after she saw me, she didn't come into the pool area at all. She sat alone by herself at a table off to the side while her friends came to layout by the pool. It appeared she was texting back and forth with them. I left after about an hour and she was still sitting alone at the table by herself in a bikini. I guess it was just as awkward for her. I did think it was kind of weird that her friends weren't more supportive. The resort had more than one pool, if she was uncomfortable they could have all went to one of the other ones. Not sure why I care about her feelings after what she put me through, but I did, and I really couldn't acknowledge that in front of my girlfriend. Definitely a weird Sunday afternoon.


----------



## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> I had a bit of an awkward day yesterday. Ever since I started my newest relationship I do avoid places that my ex-girlfriend used to hang out at just because things were a bit crazy when things ended as far as her vandalizing my car, harassing my current girlfriend, and even my ex-wife. Yesterday the strangest thing happened. I was on a weekend getaway about 1000 miles from home and I am relaxing by the pool with my current girlfriend. I look over and there standing about 75 feet from me is my ex-girlfriend and two of her friends. They saw me and I saw them. It was surreal.
> 
> Looking back I took quite a bit of verbal and psychological abuse in that relationship. I guess I just wished they had showed up anywhere else. I never imagined they would pick the same city and same hotel to do a girls trip. Truth be told I wouldn't have thought the place was fancy enough for them. I guess God has a sense of humor and thought it would be funny to show me how small the world is. She looked really unhappy, after she saw me, she didn't come into the pool area at all. She sat alone by herself at a table off to the side while her friends came to layout by the pool. It appeared she was texting back and forth with them. I left after about an hour and she was still sitting alone at the table by herself in a bikini. I guess it was just as awkward for her. I did think it was kind of weird that her friends weren't more supportive. The resort had more than one pool, if she was uncomfortable they could have all went to one of the other ones. Not sure why I care about her feelings after what she put me through, but I did, and I really couldn't acknowledge that in front of my girlfriend. Definitely a weird Sunday afternoon.


Wow, so your current girlfriend never realized the ex-gf was there?? How did you keep that to yourself? 

But the whole thing - So weird!!!


----------



## wilson

ReformedHubby said:


> I was on a weekend getaway about 1000 miles from home and I am relaxing by the pool with my current girlfriend. I look over and there standing about 75 feet from me is my ex-girlfriend and two of her friends.


That coincidence is so unbelievable that I think you would be remiss in not considering all possibilities of how she ended up at the same hotel as you. Do you have any idea why she would have gone to that hotel? Is there any chance that she found out you were going to be there?


----------



## Faithful Wife

wilson said:


> That coincidence is so unbelievable that I think you would be remiss in not considering all possibilities of how she ended up at the same hotel as you. Do you have any idea why she would have gone to that hotel? Is there any chance that she found out you were going to be there?


That's what I thought too....she was stalking him electronically and found out where he was going!! :surprise:

Then when his gf was there too, she sulked the whole time instead of moving in on him like she wanted to.

The whole thing is WEIRD!!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

wilson said:


> That coincidence is so unbelievable that I think you would be remiss in not considering all possibilities of how she ended up at the same hotel as you. Do you have any idea why she would have gone to that hotel? Is there any chance that she found out you were going to be there?


Yup, exactly what I’m thinking. It’s a small world, but not this small. Somehow, someway she intentionally picked the same place as you. Stalker!!


----------



## notmyjamie

ReformedHubby said:


> I guess it was just as awkward for her. I did think it was kind of weird that her friends weren't more supportive. The resort had more than one pool, if she was uncomfortable they could have all went to one of the other ones. Not sure why I care about her feelings after what she put me through, but I did, and I really couldn't acknowledge that in front of my girlfriend. Definitely a weird Sunday afternoon.


It's possible they weren't supportive because they know she didn't treat you well and they weren't about to let her ruin their trip. Or, they figured out she maneuvered to come to the same place as you and they didn't know about it. 

And I think you caring about her feelings means you're a good person.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Faithful Wife said:


> Wow, so your current girlfriend never realized the ex-gf was there?? How did you keep that to yourself?
> 
> But the whole thing - So weird!!!


No she definitely realized I told her. Even if I wanted to keep it to myself the look on my face would have let her know something was up. My current girlfriend got up to "use the bathroom" to get a closer look at her. I guess thats a thing for some women?


----------



## ReformedHubby

Faithful Wife said:


> That's what I thought too....she was stalking him electronically and found out where he was going!! :surprise:
> 
> Then when his gf was there too, she sulked the whole time instead of moving in on him like she wanted to.
> 
> The whole thing is WEIRD!!!


Well my current girlfriend did check in on facebook on Friday night at our location. But her and my ex aren't FB friends, and my current girlfriend deleted the two friends they had in common. Plus it wasn't a public post. So, she really shouldn't have seen it. Plus I really hope she wouldn't hop a freaking plane all the way to Miami last minute like that. It is a common weekend getaway spot, but the hotel I picked definitely wasn't a place my ex would give a second look, I also know for a fact her girlfriend owns a condo much nicer than where I stayed, so why were they at my hotel. I agree it was weird


----------



## Not

ReformedHubby said:


> No she definitely realized I told her. Even if I wanted to keep it to myself the look on my face would have let her know something was up. My current girlfriend got up to "use the bathroom" to get a closer look at her. I guess thats a thing for some women?


Yes, we do that. I know I would have wanted a closer look to see what a crazy chick looks like.


----------



## ReformedHubby

notmyjamie said:


> It's possible they weren't supportive because they know she didn't treat you well and they weren't about to let her ruin their trip. Or, they figured out she maneuvered to come to the same place as you and they didn't know about it.
> 
> And I think you caring about her feelings means you're a good person.


^^^This, i think her girlfriends are like, "get over it already". Friends are supportive but at some point they get frustrated, and yes her bestie in particular did think she should have treated me better. But....its been over two years at this point. I would never have thought she would still be stuck in the same place. I am hoping its at least an out of sight out of mind kind of thing. But yes, I did feel bad. It was obvious she was texting her girlfriends and they were texting her back from inside the pool area.


----------



## Not

Question for the (very few lol!) men on this thread. I’ve been re-thinking the pictures I’ve used on my profiles over the past year. All my pictures are tomboy-ish. Jeans and boots or headshots. No dresses, heels or tons of makeup etc. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m attracting a certain type because of my pics. 

My question(s), as far as pics go do the clothes matter to you? Do you like to see dresses versus jeans? Or variety or does it even matter as long as she’s cute and doesn’t look trashy? Do you judge a women’s potential financial worth by her clothes? Do her clothes have you judging her in other ways? If she’s totally decked out with hair, makeup, jewelry and nails does that leave you thinking she may be high maintenance and would be expensive to keep? Just trying to get an idea of how men may be interpreting my pics.


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> Question for the (very few lol!) men on this thread. I’ve been re-thinking the pictures I’ve used on my profiles over the past year. All my pictures are tomboy-ish. Jeans and boots or headshots. No dresses, heels or tons of makeup etc. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m attracting a certain type because of my pics.
> 
> My question(s), as far as pics go do the clothes matter to you? Do you like to see dresses versus jeans? Or variety or does it even matter as long as she’s cute and doesn’t look trashy? Do you judge a women’s potential financial worth by her clothes? Do her clothes have you judging her in other ways? If she’s totally decked out with hair, makeup, jewelry and nails does that leave you thinking she may be high maintenance and would be expensive to keep? Just trying to get an idea of how men may be interpreting my pics.


I would think you would be attracting types that like tomboy-ish women. Actually, I don't even like the term.

Believe it or not, I use the pictures as well as read the profile (which is why I am more comfortable with Match).

I think you should display who you are, not who you think others want.


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> I would think you would be attracting types that like tomboy-ish women. Actually, I don't even like the term.
> 
> Believe it or not, I use the pictures as well as read the profile (which is why I am more comfortable with Match).
> 
> I think you should display who you are, not who you think others want.


Thanks attheend. I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out. What kind of men are attracted to the jeans and t-shirts type of woman. I’m definitely feminine but I’m not a princess and that’s what I want to reflect but I think I may be leaning heavily on the not a princess look. 

And what about the word tomboy don’t you like? I’m seriously curious.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> Question for the (very few lol!) men on this thread. I’ve been re-thinking the pictures I’ve used on my profiles over the past year. All my pictures are tomboy-ish. Jeans and boots or headshots. No dresses, heels or tons of makeup etc. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m attracting a certain type because of my pics.
> 
> My question(s), as far as pics go do the clothes matter to you? Do you like to see dresses versus jeans? Or variety or does it even matter as long as she’s cute and doesn’t look trashy? Do you judge a women’s potential financial worth by her clothes? Do her clothes have you judging her in other ways? If she’s totally decked out with hair, makeup, jewelry and nails does that leave you thinking she may be high maintenance and would be expensive to keep? Just trying to get an idea of how men may be interpreting my pics.


First of all, I think all guys look at different things. For me, I like to see at least 5 photos. I don’t want all headshots because then I think they are hiding something. The hair is important to me. It lets me know if they take care of themselves. I’d only use jean shots if you are fit. I don’t want to sound like I am body shaming, but this is kind of a loaded question, lol. It’s a turn off to see an overweight woman in jeans. I think in that case the dress looks better. 

I never look at the shoes. Most photos should show your feminine side, but not all have to. I love a woman wearing a sports jersey. Big plus for me!

Also, NO filters and NO duck lips. I next right away. 

Hope this helps without offending anyone.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Not said:


> Question for the (very few lol!) men on this thread. I’ve been re-thinking the pictures I’ve used on my profiles over the past year. All my pictures are tomboy-ish. Jeans and boots or headshots. No dresses, heels or tons of makeup etc. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m attracting a certain type because of my pics.



Funny you mention this, because I’m like you evidently lol. In my dating profiles (back in the day lol) I said outright that I’m a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl, so if you want a frilly girl who wears dresses, then I’m not the one for you! And omg you wouldn’t believe the number of men that messaged me and asked me about this! Like, “so you don’t even dress up for special occasions??” What about this, what about that? Ugh! Sooo frustrating! Here I put out there exactly who I am, and it still brought unwanted attention! Why? Why do that? If you don’t dig my type, then keep scrolling and leave me be! I just don’t get it. 

Not, keep true to who you are. You are exactly who the right guy is looking for, after all. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> Thanks attheend. I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out. What kind of men are attracted to the jeans and t-shirts type of woman. I’m definitely feminine but I’m not a princess and that’s what I want to reflect but I think I may be leaning heavily on the not a princess look.
> 
> And what about the word tomboy don’t you like? I’m seriously curious.



I am attracted to woman in all types of clothes. If you can rock jeans and t-shirts, I would be attracted to you. If you looked hot in a dress, I would be attracted to you.

There are definitely pictures of women on line that say to me "conservative" and that probably isn't for me. 


I think of the word tomboy as anachronistic. Roles aren't as rigid as they used to be so it doesn't really make sense anymore.

My style is button down oxford and Levi jeans. What kind of women are attracted to that?


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> First of all, I think all guys look at different things. For me, I like to see at least 5 photos. I don’t want all headshots because then I think they are hiding something. The hair is important to me. It lets me know if they take care of themselves. I’d only use jean shots if you are fit. I don’t want to sound like I am body shaming, but this is kind of a loaded question, lol. It’s a turn off to see an overweight woman in jeans. I think in that case the dress looks better.
> 
> I never look at the shoes. Most photos should show your feminine side, but not all have to. I love a woman wearing a sports jersey. Big plus for me!
> 
> Also, NO filters and NO duck lips. I next right away.
> 
> Hope this helps without offending anyone.


That does help, thanks. So your aren’t looking for hints to her personality in her clothes, correct? I do that with men.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> Funny you mention this, because I’m like you evidently lol. In my dating profiles (back in the day lol) I said outright that I’m a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl, so if you want a frilly girl who wears dresses, then I’m not the one for you! And omg you wouldn’t believe the number of men that messaged me and asked me about this! Like, “so you don’t even dress up for special occasions??” What about this, what about that? Ugh! Sooo frustrating! Here I put out there exactly who I am, and it still brought unwanted attention! Why? Why do that? If you don’t dig my type, then keep scrolling and leave me be! I just don’t get it.


Superman was doing that. Dresses and heels he said. I’ve also stated I’m the jeans and t-shirt type in my past profiles and that I owned one purse lol! I just cant do the girly look, it just doesn’t fit me. 



> Not, keep true to who you are. You are exactly who the right guy is looking for, after all.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


As you can see I’m still doing a lot of thinking as to what I’m attracting lol! From all angles apparently. :grin2:


----------



## Not

attheend02 said:


> I am attracted to woman in all types of clothes. If you can rock jeans and t-shirts, I would be attracted to you. If you looked hot in a dress, I would be attracted to you.
> 
> There are definitely pictures of women on line that say to me "conservative" and that probably isn't for me.
> 
> 
> I think of the word tomboy as anachronistic. Roles aren't as rigid as they used to be so it doesn't really make sense anymore.
> 
> My style is button down oxford and Levi jeans. What kind of women are attracted to that?


Yeah, the word is older so I guess it reflects where and when I come from. 

Oxfords and Levi’s are fairly common so I’d say women who aren’t worried about their man standing out which says to me the woman will be the mellow type versus the more finicky type which tells me she won’t be high maintenance or materialistic. Yes, that’s how my mind works.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> That does help, thanks. So your aren’t looking for hints to her personality in her clothes, correct? I do that with men.


No not at all. People can wear different clothes for different reasons. Now if every shot she’s with her girlfriends with a drink in her hand and a skirt barely covering her panties, yes I like to take her home but never see her again afterwards.


----------



## Hiner112

Not said:


> Question for the (very few lol!) men on this thread. I’ve been re-thinking the pictures I’ve used on my profiles over the past year. All my pictures are tomboy-ish. Jeans and boots or headshots. No dresses, heels or tons of makeup etc. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m attracting a certain type because of my pics.
> 
> My question(s), as far as pics go do the clothes matter to you? Do you like to see dresses versus jeans? Or variety or does it even matter as long as she’s cute and doesn’t look trashy? Do you judge a women’s potential financial worth by her clothes? Do her clothes have you judging her in other ways? If she’s totally decked out with hair, makeup, jewelry and nails does that leave you thinking she may be high maintenance and would be expensive to keep? Just trying to get an idea of how men may be interpreting my pics.


Caveat: I have yet to actually "like" or "swipe" a profile / picture much less go out on a date.

There were a couple pictures that I've seen where I had to look close to be sure that it wasn't a closeup of a plastic doll. Way. Too. Much. Makeup. Looking close you could tell that there was a real person somewhere under there but fairly pointless as far as profile pictures go (except as a warning not to click on it).

I think there are some things that you can gather from the way that people dress. I would probably not get along with someone that only had immaculately made up pictures on their profile. I could live my entire life without hearing, "You're not wearing that, are you?" again and I would not feel like I've missed a thing. I'm not going to get dressed up to go to Wal-Mart or Food Lion so someone that insists on looking good at all times isn't for me.

I might make a slight judgement call about the financial worth she is displaying but only because I doubt that I'd get along well with someone for whom it was important to look expensive. Sometimes the clothes that are worn in the pictures are sending a message (low cut taken from a high angle for instance) but I'd personally be more likely to look closer at a woman in jeans than a fancy dress.

Of course, as with all things, men aren't a monolithic group any more than women so your mileage will vary.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Not said:
> 
> 
> 
> That does help, thanks. So your aren’t looking for hints to her personality in her clothes, correct? I do that with men.
> 
> 
> 
> No not at all. People can wear different clothes for different reasons. Now if every shot she’s with her girlfriends with a drink in her hand and a skirt barely covering her panties, yes I like to take her home but never see her again afterwards.
Click to expand...

Please don’t do this. It reflects badly on you, not her.

Don’t have sex with a girl you don’t respect and then ghost her. It means you yourself are not behaving respectfully.


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t want all headshots because then I think they are hiding something.
> 
> I never look at the shoes.
> 
> Also, NO filters and NO duck lips. I next right away.


I agree with all of these points.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I'm a jeans and tshirt girl myself, and I don't think one could get much more tomboyish then me.
I mean, I wear jeans and old running shoes to work, I run 40 miles a week, ride 110 per week, and lift weights once or twice a week. 

And I have a 3rd degree black belt and know how to fight, and am quite handy around the house. 

I spend a lot of my life smelly and sweaty.

My guy likes this about me....but he also likes that I have long strawberry hair, get my nails done on occasion, and have been known to put on a dress once in a while. I think this puts a little mystery element and adds a bit of femininity that I might not otherwise have, so I'd encourage you to add a bit of this once in while....it keeps them on their toes.

Because I wear jeans so much I want it known that I do indeed rock them.

My guy is a jeans guy and I'm ok with that....I rather like the loose jeans and tshirt/polo look on broad shoulders, as long as the clothes aren't grungy. That looks like a bum.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Please don’t do this. It reflects badly on you, not her.
> 
> Don’t have sex with a girl you don’t respect and then ghost her. It means you yourself are not behaving respectfully.


What I meant by that comment is that I wouldn’t be looking for a relationship with a woman who lacked enough self respect to only dress like this (thus my comment about every picture). 

I’m not a hit it and quit it type of guy. So I should’ve just responded that I wouldn’t be looking for this type of woman. Sorry if you were offended.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Question for the (very few lol!) men on this thread. I’ve been re-thinking the pictures I’ve used on my profiles over the past year. All my pictures are tomboy-ish. Jeans and boots or headshots. No dresses, heels or tons of makeup etc. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m attracting a certain type because of my pics.
> 
> My question(s), as far as pics go do the clothes matter to you? Do you like to see dresses versus jeans? Or variety or does it even matter as long as she’s cute and doesn’t look trashy? Do you judge a women’s potential financial worth by her clothes? Do her clothes have you judging her in other ways? If she’s totally decked out with hair, makeup, jewelry and nails does that leave you thinking she may be high maintenance and would be expensive to keep? Just trying to get an idea of how men may be interpreting my pics.


I'm not a dude, but I've met all sorts of men from all kinds of backgrounds who wanted to date me and I just plonked on a couple of headshots (unretouched showing my acne scars and all) and one body shot and called it good. I wore some makeup, but not a ton b/c I was out and about those days and not wearing anything fancy in the most recent pic - leggings, a belted sweater, shirt, and boots. I have a hard time smiling for pics, so they're just neutral facial expressions, no duckface, no editing, no skimpy outfits, etc. I mostly sport wild hair and no nail polish.

Most of them kept the compliments decent, though some were freaaakkkkkky (got a marriage proposal in one intro, a MFM request in another) but few of them bother to READ profiles. I don't think it matters what you look like in your profile pics, just be your authentic self. If you are a tomboy, own it! If you like dresses, wear them. Ask some guy out if you find him attractive and you're matched! 

Every man I went out with commented that they were pleasantly surprised I looked like my pic. Funnily enough, it seemed a few were about to drive off if I didn't match my profile pics :grin2: which I thought was hilarious and sad all at once.

I've asked some of them what goes on on the other side of the aisle, they complained that many women use old pics, filters, photoshop, etc and then arrive looking very much different in person. That's not even mentioning the cam girls that hit them up for money!


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Love this tread! I’m learning a lot of do’s and don’ts. It’s interesting to also see this from the other genders perspective.
> 
> 
> 
> I’ve joined the meetup app. It’s seems interesting to me and I think I’m going to try that first as a way to meet people, when ready. I think I make a better overall appearance in person than online.


Go ahead and start going to Meetups now, not to meet potential dates, just to be social and get out and have fun! It will help you get through the now, I promise.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Not said:


> Superman was doing that. Dresses and heels he said. I’ve also stated I’m the jeans and t-shirt type in my past profiles and that I owned one purse lol! I just cant do the girly look, it just doesn’t fit me.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> As you can see I’m still doing a lot of thinking as to what I’m attracting lol! From all angles apparently. :grin2:



See this is exactly what I was talking about! You put out there and even told him directly exactly who you are, which was evidently the opposite of what he actually liked, but yet he still just kept trying to push onto you what HE likes! I guess he thought you were an easy target because you were actually talking to him?? Because clearly you weren’t a match. 

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them! (And if they aren’t what you want, leave them alone!)



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> I am jealous. I thought we were having dinner in Portland, lol.
> 
> 
> 
> Serious question for you experienced daters. Does going back to the dry well again ever give you water? In other words, does dating an ex ever work for the exception of a cheating spouse?


For me, there's no point in going backwards. The relationship ended for a reason. 

The only circumstance in which I might get back with an ex was if he did the work and fixed his issues (if that was the reason) for the breakup. And that is only a maybe. 

Honestly, I can't think of any ex with whom I'd want to try again. I've outgrown those men and those relationships.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

TXTrini said:


> I'm not a dude, but I've met all sorts of men from all kinds of backgrounds who wanted to date me and I just plonked on a couple of headshots (unretouched showing my acne scars and all) and one body shot and called it good. I wore some makeup, but not a ton b/c I was out and about those days and not wearing anything fancy in the most recent pic - leggings, a belted sweater, shirt, and boots. I have a hard time smiling for pics, so they're just neutral facial expressions, no duckface, no editing, no skimpy outfits, etc. I mostly sport wild hair and no nail polish.
> 
> Most of them kept the compliments decent, though some were freaaakkkkkky (got a marriage proposal in one intro, a MFM request in another) but few of them bother to READ profiles. I don't think it matters what you look like in your profile pics, just be your authentic self. If you are a tomboy, own it! If you like dresses, wear them. Ask some guy out if you find him attractive and you're matched!
> 
> *Every man I went out with commented that they were pleasantly surprised I looked like my pic. Funnily enough, it seemed a few were about to drive off if I didn't match my profile pics :grin2: which I thought was hilarious and sad all at once.*
> 
> I've asked some of them what goes on on the other side of the aisle, they complained that many women use old pics, filters, photoshop, etc and then arrive looking very much different in person. That's not even mentioning the cam girls that hit them up for money!


For me authenticity is key. 

Filtered pictures are just noise to me. I can't really fault someone for wanting to make themselves look "cute".

Looking like your pictures is important to me. But I have also found that pictures lie both ways. 

The cam girls are are so obvious, I can't believe anyone falls for it (unless they are looking for that kind of thing).


----------



## ReformedHubby

Not said:


> Question for the (very few lol!) men on this thread. I’ve been re-thinking the pictures I’ve used on my profiles over the past year. All my pictures are tomboy-ish. Jeans and boots or headshots. No dresses, heels or tons of makeup etc. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m attracting a certain type because of my pics.
> 
> My question(s), as far as pics go do the clothes matter to you? Do you like to see dresses versus jeans? Or variety or does it even matter as long as she’s cute and doesn’t look trashy? Do you judge a women’s potential financial worth by her clothes? Do her clothes have you judging her in other ways? If she’s totally decked out with hair, makeup, jewelry and nails does that leave you thinking she may be high maintenance and would be expensive to keep? Just trying to get an idea of how men may be interpreting my pics.


Its been a while sine I was perusing profiles, but I always looked for well rounded. I don't want to generalize, but I have gone out with the kind of woman that does the same face pose in every pic while dolled up, and what I found is that they were lacking in substance somewhat. Again that's generalizing but to me they were the kind of people that enjoyed posting about how much fun they were having, instead of *actually* having fun and enjoying the moment. I would say mix it up in your profile. Show some of the casually dressed you, and some of the well dressed you. That will hopefully show men that you are multifaceted. Which is what I think most normal guys want.

With that said no guarantees on the type you attract, you're just going to have to meet people and see how they are. What I mean is some men don't like it when their girlfriend is dolled up (insecurity?). Others, like myself absolutely love it, but not all the time. I personally love it when I have someone that can do cool outdoors stuff, and still hit the evening dressed to kill when its the time for that, and can also dress sexy sometimes for intimate occasions if you know what I mean. So I don't think it will be too hard to find a man that appreciates all that you have to offer. Just be wary of the insecure types that always want you to dress down, or the ones that always want you dolled up. Go for who accepts you....as you. Hope that makes sense. Writing this prior to coffee.


----------



## 2&out

I'm not an online dater but I absolutely pay attention to what women wear - and yes likely make incorrect assumptions based on how they dress/look. Dressing well is somewhat important to me and I try to. Not all the time but most of it.

Here is the question in reverse. How likely are you to respond to a mans profile with primarily jeans and wife beater T-shirt pics ? If that's your guy than dress/advertise to attract him.


----------



## Cynthia

Dating sites conduct research that may be helpful in putting together a profile. Here's an article that you may find interesting: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/online-dating-profile/


----------



## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> For me, there's no point in going backwards. The relationship ended for a reason.
> 
> The only circumstance in which I might get back with an ex was if he did the work and fixed his issues (if that was the reason) for the breakup. And that is only a maybe.
> 
> Honestly, I can't think of any ex with whom I'd want to try again. I've outgrown those men and those relationships.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I guess I wanted the female version of going back to an ex. Would it make a difference if the ex was actually seeking help for his issues that he might of had? What if he was a slow learner, would you extend patience?

On the flip side, for me as a guy, I think the hardest thing about taking back an ex is thinking who she was with in between. The sex she had, etc. I also know it’s not fair to judge someone when you are separated for their sexual actions during the separation. 

I just wonder if it’s all worth it in the end. How many truly develop a “new” marriage? How many are happier after they go back than when they left?


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> What I meant by that comment is that I wouldn’t be looking for a relationship with a woman who lacked enough self respect to only dress like this (thus my comment about every picture).
> 
> I’m not a hit it and quit it type of guy. So I should’ve just responded that I wouldn’t be looking for this type of woman. Sorry if you were offended.


But what you actually said was "yes I like to take her home but never see her again afterwards". So I don't think I misinterpreted it. Sounds pretty much like hit and and quit it to me.

I'm not offended. I'm just saying please don't be a jerk. A guy who hits and quits is a jerk. There is nothing wrong with saying "I would not date a woman like x, y, or z" but when you add "I would sleep with her then never see her again"....

But maybe you were just tossing the words out there and didn't actually mean them.


----------



## Faithful Wife

FeministInPink said:


> For me, there's no point in going backwards. *The relationship ended for a reason*.
> 
> The only circumstance in which I might get back with an ex was if he did the work and fixed his issues (if that was the reason) for the breakup. And that is only a maybe.
> 
> Honestly, I can't think of any ex with whom I'd want to try again. I've outgrown those men and those relationships.


For this and only this guy I just reconnected with, we didn't actually end for a reason. It was more like a misunderstanding.

He did not have any issues to fix, there was actually nothing off about our connection.

He is the only one though!! In every other case of an ex, you are right, there's no point going backwards.

In this one and only case....omg I'm so glad we reconnected. Swoon!!


----------



## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> No she definitely realized I told her. Even if I wanted to keep it to myself the look on my face would have let her know something was up. My current girlfriend got up to "use the bathroom" to get a closer look at her. I guess thats a thing for some women?


Ok so...you guys didn't just say hey, let's go stay at another resort? That part is confusing. 

But heck, I'm sure your girl knows she's got nothing to worry about with the bunny boiler (including your girl could kick her ass anyway) so she is probably secure enough about it all to not want to leave.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Faithful Wife said:


> ReformedHubby said:
> 
> 
> 
> No she definitely realized I told her. Even if I wanted to keep it to myself the look on my face would have let her know something was up. My current girlfriend got up to "use the bathroom" to get a closer look at her. I guess thats a thing for some women?
> 
> 
> 
> Ok so...you guys didn't just say hey, let's go stay at another resort? That part is confusing.
> 
> But heck, I'm sure your girl knows she's got nothing to worry about with the bunny boiler (including your girl could kick her ass anyway) so she is probably secure enough about it all to not want to leave.
Click to expand...

It was our last night in town so while an option, it would have been a pain to pack everything up and move for just one night. Plus being honest, we are tired of planning our lives around her. She lives close to me and i have to avoid so many places. My girlfriend and i can't even grocery shop together. Feels like I shouldn't have to do that after two years of things ending. I am glad my current girlfriend handled it with grace. My ex literally once sent my girlfriend a FB message making fun of her kids before she was blocked. That's about as low as a person can stoop. It actually bothers me that part of me feels bad for her. She doesn't deserve my empathy. I feel bad because she isn't well, keeping my distance and not acknowledging her is my only option. Anything else dumps gasoline on the situation. Not complaining though. My life is good for the most part. Unfortunately for me all of my replacements on her life were smart enough to exit before I did.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> But what you actually said was "yes I like to take her home but never see her again afterwards". So I don't think I misinterpreted it. Sounds pretty much like hit and and quit it to me.
> 
> I'm not offended. I'm just saying please don't be a jerk. A guy who hits and quits is a jerk. There is nothing wrong with saying "I would not date a woman like x, y, or z" but when you add "I would sleep with her then never see her again"....
> 
> But maybe you were just tossing the words out there and didn't actually mean them.


I personally "next" guys with even a hint of that attitude. It doesn't matter how handsome he is, it's very unattractive. It's human nature to judge others, fine. But to treat people as disposable regardless of how little they respect themselves says more about you than them.


----------



## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> It actually bothers me that part of me feels bad for her. She doesn't deserve my empathy. I feel bad because she isn't well, keeping my distance and not acknowledging her is my only option. Anything else dumps gasoline on the situation.


She has a disorder. It is fair to have empathy for her because she isn't right in the head. But not necessary to acknowledge her at all as you said, that's just gasoline.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> For this and only this guy I just reconnected with, we didn't actually end for a reason. It was more like a misunderstanding.
> 
> He did not have any issues to fix, there was actually nothing off about our connection.
> 
> He is the only one though!! In every other case of an ex, you are right, there's no point going backwards.
> 
> In this one and only case....omg I'm so glad we reconnected. Swoon!!


How was the big night??!


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> How was the big night??!


:grin2:0>:x:laugh::smile2:

All of those and more!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> But what you actually said was "yes I like to take her home but never see her again afterwards". So I don't think I misinterpreted it. Sounds pretty much like hit and and quit it to me.
> 
> I'm not offended. I'm just saying please don't be a jerk. A guy who hits and quits is a jerk. There is nothing wrong with saying "I would not date a woman like x, y, or z" but when you add "I would sleep with her then never see her again"....
> 
> But maybe you were just tossing the words out there and didn't actually mean them.


I don’t get it. Two consenting adults are on a dating site. They hook up. The guy doesn’t want a relationship, but he’s the “jerk”?

I almost forgot how many feminists are on this board. The guy’s the jerk and the girl is the victim. I think I got it.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t get it. Two consenting adults are on a dating site. They hook up. The guy doesn’t want a relationship, but he’s the “jerk”?
> 
> I almost forgot how many feminists are on this board. The guy’s the jerk and the girl is the victim. I think I got it.


I am not going to speak for @Faithful Wife but I think the jerks are those who say they are looking for long term as a front to get women. Then they hit it and quit it. That's an ******* move.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t get it. Two consenting adults are on a dating site. They hook up. The guy doesn’t want a relationship, but he’s the “jerk”?
> 
> I almost forgot how many feminists are on this board. The guy’s the jerk and the girl is the victim. I think I got it.


As long as you literally say to her the truth, which is that you see no relationship with HER but you still would like to have sex with her, and then you will never speak to her again (your words), and you say all of this before negotiating sex...then sure, no harm no foul.

That is not what it sounded like you were saying in the post I quoted. But if that is what you meant, full disclosure up front that you see no relationship with HER but still want sex and she agrees, then yeah, it's all good.

Does feminism even need to be brought into this? Not sure what that was about.

Do you have daughters or sisters? How about just relate to this topic because of that. Your daughters and sisters are free to bone whoever they want, but wouldn't you dislike a man very much if he did not disclose before the sex that he sees no relationship with HER?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> I am not going to speak for @Faithful Wife but I think the jerks are those who say they are looking for long term as a front to get women. Then they hit it and quit it. That's an ******* move.


I never said that. I said based upon the photos (I won’t repeat my example but it’s there to see) I wouldn’t turn down sex (what man would, lol) but she wouldn’t be someone I’d have a relationship with (maybe I should have said that instead of never see again). It’s semantics.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> As long as you literally say to her the truth, which is that you see no relationship with HER but you still would like to have sex with her, and then you will never speak to her again (your words), and you say all of this before negotiating sex...then sure, no harm no foul.
> 
> That is not what it sounded like you were saying in the post I quoted. But if that is what you meant, full disclosure up front that you see no relationship with HER but still want sex and she agrees, then yeah, it's all good.
> 
> Does feminism even need to be brought into this? Not sure what that was about.
> 
> Do you have daughters or sisters? How about just relate to this topic because of that. Your daughters and sisters are free to bone whoever they want, but wouldn't you dislike a man very much if he did not disclose before the sex that he sees no relationship with HER?


Well that’s just it. I never said anything about misleading anybody. You assumed that. Then the guy is the jerk, never the woman. That’s where the feminism comes in. Yes, I have two daughters. 

It just seemed like you were reaching a lot from my post to fill your narrative of the bad, bad man and the poor hopeless girl.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Well that’s just it. I never said anything about misleading anybody. You assumed that. Then the guy is the jerk, never the woman. That’s where the feminism comes in. Yes, I have two daughters.
> 
> It just seemed like you were reaching a lot from my post to fill your narrative of the bad, bad man and the poor hopeless girl.


I don't have any thoughts about bad "men", it would be bad for a woman to do this as well. She would be a jerk. 

There are lot of guys who actually want a relationship and a lot of women who just want a romp in the hay. If she dated him making him think she was seeing him as relationship material but she actually just wanted in his pants, SHE would be a total jerk. And yes when friends of mine have done things like this (or have cheated, or otherwise treated men poorly due to their own jerk-ness) I usually let that friendship cool and disappear. Or another example would be to lead him on with sex just because she wants to be wined and dined or presents or something like that, but she actually has no interest in a relationship or sex with him. She's still the jerk.

I'm just not into anyone being a jerk to others in the love and dating game.

When both are on the same page, as long as all the cards are on the table from both sides, then nothing they choose to do fully informed is "bad".

You may not have seen it yet, but if a woman posts something that makes me think "what you just said makes you a jerk", I've got no problem posting exactly that to her here and have done so many times.


----------



## Cynthia

RebuildingMe said:


> Well that’s just it. I never said anything about misleading anybody. You assumed that. Then the guy is the jerk, never the woman. That’s where the feminism comes in. Yes, I have two daughters.
> 
> It just seemed like you were reaching a lot from my post to fill your narrative of the bad, bad man and the poor hopeless girl.


 Wow. Where did that come from? This is way off base.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Cynthia said:


> Wow. Where did that come from? This is way off base.


Chalk it up to a very bad day, week, month, etc.


----------



## Cynthia

RebuildingMe said:


> Chalk it up to a very bad day, week, month, etc.


Take a breath. Get something to eat. Get some rest. No one is attacking you. If you are having a hard time, please don't take it out on anyone else, especially not a group of people who are trying to be supportive towards you.


----------



## Not

I got what you meant Rebuilding me. I think some men post pics like that too. The pics just scream “player” and give the impression they’re seeking party girls. I avoid those of course.


----------



## 2&out

Your good RebuildingMe... Remember the crowd. Take your time and do that rebuilding. The ladies here may try to convince U they are more honest and "true" than us dog guys but U an I both know that isn't the case. Haven't followed U close and don't know your age but U may get to it's my way or the highway - it's unlikely we can meet their expectations/wants anyway - if your not a beta wimp willing to compromise yourself just to be with someone. JMO.


----------



## Hiner112

I think I may have a problem. My ex is moving into a new house from her separation apartment and was telling me how moving was going. 

Her: I put up a cool pot rack. You should come check it out. 

Me: ...That is sort of funny but in a bad way.

Her: what do you mean?

Me: You just invited me over to check out your rack and show me where you are keeping pot(s) in your kitchen.

Her: ...*sighs deeply remembering why I'm her ex* My rack isn't worth checking out. At my age it just is what it is.

Me: Anyway, I need to go pick up DD1 from school and I'll have supper tonight since you're in the middle of moving. 



edit: in the kitchen not is the kitchen.


----------



## Not

Thank you for the replies everyone. And to the men, thank you for sharing your man thoughts on the topic. 

I do judge men by the way they dress so I figured men would be doing the same thing. 

I think I rock my jeans just fine and I dress them up for work everyday with nice tops instead of the t-shirts and flannels I wear outside of work. After giving this more thought I think I’m going to experiment with different types of pics and just see what happens. I do dress nicer for work so I won’t be doing anything outside of what I already do.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Thank you for the replies everyone. And to the men, thank you for sharing your man thoughts on the topic.
> 
> I do judge men by the way they dress so I figured men would be doing the same thing.
> 
> I think I rock my jeans just fine and I dress them up for work everyday with nice tops instead of the t-shirts and flannels I wear outside of work. After giving this more thought I think I’m going to experiment with different types of pics and just see what happens. I do dress nicer for work so I won’t be doing anything outside of what I already do.


What would you wear on a date or first meet? Maybe put up pics of what that type of outfit would be. At least a few like that and then some other types.


----------



## Not

Hiner112 said:


> I think I may have a problem. My ex is moving into a new house from her separation apartment and was telling me how moving was going.
> 
> Her: I put up a cool pot rack. You should come check it out.
> 
> Me: ...That is sort of funny but in a bad way.
> 
> Her: what do you mean?
> 
> Me: You just invited me over to check out your rack and show me where you are keeping pot(s) is your kitchen.
> 
> Her: ...*sighs deeply remembering why I'm her ex* My rack isn't worth checking out. At my age it just is what it is.
> 
> Me: Anyway, I need to go pick up DD1 from school and I'll have supper tonight since you're in the middle of moving.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


That’s hilarious lol! You and I have a similar sense of humor. :grin2:

She sounds grumpy and uptight.


----------



## notmyjamie

Not said:


> That’s hilarious lol! You and I have a similar sense of humor. :grin2:
> 
> She sounds grumpy and uptight.


I would have laughed at it too! She does sound grumpy but moving can sure do that to a person.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> :grin2:0>:x:laugh::smile2:
> 
> All of those and more!!


Meow baby! I'm so jealous :surprise::wink2::grin2:

I'm happy for you chick. I'm trying to cool it atm. My guy asked to do other stuff when we see each other >


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I got what you meant Rebuilding me. I think some men post pics like that too. The pics just scream “player” and give the impression they’re seeking party girls. I avoid those of course.


I avoided the players too, but some of them pretend so well. There's a huge difference between avoiding people who scream "not relationship material" and doing a drive-by. 

I've completely avoided any man who included hookups/casual with their list of what they're interested in, even if they were looking for marriage. If you're interested in a real relationship, there's no point wasting time/energy on someone you know you will never seriously date. That screams desperation to get your rocks off so badly, any peg/hole will do.


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> All of those and more!!
> 
> 
> 
> Meow baby! I'm so jealous
> 
> I'm happy for you chick. I'm trying to cool it atm. My guy asked to do other stuff when we see each other
Click to expand...

Wait...”other stuff”? Do you mean he asked to try new sex stuff or he asked to do stuff other than sex?


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> Not said:
> 
> 
> 
> I got what you meant Rebuilding me. I think some men post pics like that too. The pics just scream “player” and give the impression they’re seeking party girls. I avoid those of course.
> 
> 
> 
> I avoided the players too, but some of them pretend so well. There's a huge difference between avoiding people who scream "not relationship material" and doing a drive-by.
> 
> I've completely avoided any man who included hookups/casual with their list of what they're interested in, even if they were looking for marriage. If you're interested in a real relationship, there's no point wasting time/energy on someone you know you will never seriously date. That screams desperation to get your rocks off so badly, any peg/hole will do.
Click to expand...

It’s hard to tell the difference between guys sometimes. The ones who want relationships and/or marriage but also are ok with hookups and casual...yes that is so many mixed messages it’s just not worth even saying hello. Buh bye.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> Wait...”other stuff”? Do you mean he asked to try new sex stuff or he asked to do stuff other than sex?


He asked to do things together, other than sex. We don't see each other often, were a good 40 mins apart, so it's mostly once or twice on a weekend. Though I took advantage of a few nights I was alone when I was moving in and had him over :grin2: I admit I've been one-tracked and kept jumping his bones, though we've had a lot of conversation about everything from family to philosophy and religion, and we're on opposite sides on some things, the conversation is very stimulating. 

Our situations are a bit complicated. I bought a house with my mom, he lives alone, but close to his children and his mom who's on her own, but he spends a lot of time with her, doing things around the ranch. Anyway, we're taking a day trip out of town to go to his son's match on Saturday. Depending on how early we have to leave, I might ask him to stay over Friday night to save him the back and forth (he suggested we see each other Friday night and leave together from there).

He'll definitely be meeting my Mom at some point over the weekend and I might meet his son and his ex-wife and new husband :surprise:


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> I guess I wanted the female version of going back to an ex. Would it make a difference if the ex was actually seeking help for his issues that he might of had? What if he was a slow learner, would you extend patience?
> 
> 
> 
> On the flip side, for me as a guy, I think the hardest thing about taking back an ex is thinking who she was with in between. The sex she had, etc. I also know it’s not fair to judge someone when you are separated for their sexual actions during the separation.
> 
> 
> 
> I just wonder if it’s all worth it in the end. How many truly develop a “new” marriage? How many are happier after they go back than when they left?


Answering your first paragraph... it would really depend where he was in the process. If he's like, "I'll go to therapy and change for you!" I would say, "Go to therapy and don't date anybody else for a year. Then we can talk about getting back together."

Real change takes time, it's easy to make short term changes for the sake or appearances. I want to make sure change is real, and not for appearances.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

FeministInPink said:


> Answering your first paragraph... it would really depend where he was in the process. If he's like, "I'll go to therapy and change for you!" I would say, "Go to therapy and don't date anybody else for a year. Then we can talk about getting back together."
> 
> Real change takes time, it's easy to make short term changes for the sake or appearances. I want to make sure change is real, and not for appearances.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk




Real change is rare in my experience. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## 2&out

Not that anyone here is interested, but I've had a change, but no change, in my few yrs "relationship". Had a rough month about 2 back. She had a new suitor. She liked the more attention. I took exception to. We discussed. I for a week or so said yes I would try to give more of. I do like her. 

And then my life got in the way - with my family and friends. Which I am not willing to change. So another "serious" relationship conversation. Which was... this is who I am and all your going to get. If not enough and U don't like what is, I am sorry not enough for U. We can part on good terms - I respect your want but am unable/willing. If U decide to go, do not contact me again. 

She so far has not dumped me.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

Elizabeth001 said:


> Real change is rare in my experience.


Why all the single people here remain single indefinitely. Guess they expect everyone else to change


----------



## Livvie

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Elizabeth001 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Real change is rare in my experience.
> 
> 
> 
> Why all the single people here remain single indefinitely. Guess they expect everyone else to change <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/whistle.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Whistle" ></a>
Click to expand...

So what are you saying?

If someone is really dysfunctional and can't provide a healthy relationship to a partner, it only makes sense that a previous partner would require that dysfunction to change in order to enter a relationship with them again. That's what the discussion was about.

Or do you advocate signing up for unhealthy, abusive relationships because.... be in a relationship at any cost?


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

Livvie said:


> So what are you saying?
> 
> If someone is really dysfunctional and can't provide a healthy relationship to a partner, it only makes sense that a previous partner would require that dysfunction to change in order to enter a relationship with them again. That's what the discussion was about.
> 
> Or do you advocate signing up for unhealthy, abusive relationships because.... be in a relationship at any cost?


I advocate that dysfunction within a relationship is never one sided. If someone was in a relationship with another who couldn't provide a healthy relationship, the end result still says that you were in a toxic relationship and part of the dysfunction. 

Demanding the others to change, instead of looking at what makes one continue to go into these dysfunctional relationships, will always yield the same results. 

Most of this thread, and this site for that matter, is a bunch of folks sat around *****ing about others. If there's been minimal effort to change negative patterns within yourself, and you are out here dating, those would be the ones who seem to advocate for being in unhealthy, abusive relationships because, be in a relationship at any cost. Of course, you can spot these people because they all say the same things. That the dating pool is garbage. Well, I mean they are part of that dating pool too, so ... What does that statement say about themselves?


----------



## Livvie

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> So what are you saying?
> 
> If someone is really dysfunctional and can't provide a healthy relationship to a partner, it only makes sense that a previous partner would require that dysfunction to change in order to enter a relationship with them again. That's what the discussion was about.
> 
> Or do you advocate signing up for unhealthy, abusive relationships because.... be in a relationship at any cost?
> 
> 
> 
> I advocate that dysfunction within a relationship is never one sided. If someone was in a relationship with another who couldn't provide a healthy relationship, the end result still says that you were in a toxic relationship and part of the dysfunction.
> 
> Demanding the others to change, instead of looking at what makes one continue to go into these dysfunctional relationships, will always yield the same results.
> 
> Most of this thread, and this site for that matter, is a bunch of folks sat around *****ing about others. If there's been minimal effort to change negative patterns within yourself, and you are out here dating, those would be the ones who seem to advocate for being in unhealthy, abusive relationships because, be in a relationship at any cost. Of course, you can spot these people because they all say the same things. That the dating pool is garbage. Well, I mean they are part of that dating pool too, so ... What does that statement say about themselves?
Click to expand...

I heartily disagree.

Let's say there is a nice, normal woman in an long term marriage whose husband had a mid life crisis and had an affair with a woman at work 25 years his junior. Wife finds out and infidelity is a deal breaker for her and they divorce.

Woman starts dating a few years after the divorce. She finds the dating pool full of a lot of men with some significant issues. She thinks the dating pool is garbage. Are you saying because she is "part of the dating pool" she is garbage herself and*automatically* has problems in herself she needs to solve?

Pfft no.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

Livvie said:


> I heartily disagree.
> 
> Let's say there is a nice, normal woman in an long term marriage whose husband had a mid life crisis and had an affair with a woman at work 25 years his junior. Wife finds out and infidelity is a deal breaker for her and they divorce.
> 
> Woman starts dating a few years after the divorce. She finds the dating pool full of a lot of men with some significant issues. She thinks the dating pool is garbage. Are you saying because she is "part of the dating pool" she is garbage herself and*automatically* has problems in herself she needs to solve?
> 
> Pfft no.


At what point does a person reach the conclusion "maybe everyone else isn't the problem. Maybe its me!" ?

As for your scenario, I still stick by what I said. I don't believe a perfect marriage has ever ended. Cause one has never existed. The woman in your scenario, does she believe herself to be perfect? Does she believe that many men wouldn't also look at her and say "she has issues" cause I can guarantee they do. 

Is every single person on this site garbage? You all are in the dating pool here. Why dont some of y'all hook up? Nobody here would call anyone garbage right? So here's a whole site of fully adjusted, healed, completely sane individuals right? Nothing wrong with any of you its like perfection around here. So why don't some of y'all hook up?

Guess I just see things differently cause I think just about everyone on this site is kinda ****ed up. However, that doesn't mean I think anyone here is garbage. Well, maybe a couple people on this site, but like only 1 or 2. There's just a lot of people who haven't yet healed. Doesn't mean anyone is garbage. They are stuck and haven't moved past what happened to them. Its actually very sad. 

Maybe I see a lot more self sabotage coupled with justifications for it in the form of being hyper critical of others, than you do on this site? Maybe I'm getting a bad read?


----------



## Livvie

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> I heartily disagree.
> 
> Let's say there is a nice, normal woman in an long term marriage whose husband had a mid life crisis and had an affair with a woman at work 25 years his junior. Wife finds out and infidelity is a deal breaker for her and they divorce.
> 
> Woman starts dating a few years after the divorce. She finds the dating pool full of a lot of men with some significant issues. She thinks the dating pool is garbage. Are you saying because she is "part of the dating pool" she is garbage herself and*automatically* has problems in herself she needs to solve?
> 
> Pfft no.
> 
> 
> 
> At what point does a person reach the conclusion "maybe everyone else isn't the problem. Maybe its me!" ?
> 
> As for your scenario, I still stick by what I said. I don't believe a perfect marriage has ever ended. Cause one has never existed. The woman in your scenario, does she believe herself to be perfect? Does she believe that many men wouldn't also look at her and say "she has issues" cause I can guarantee they do.
> 
> Is every single person on this site garbage? You all are in the dating pool here. Why dont some of y'all hook up? Nobody here would call anyone garbage right? So here's a whole site of fully adjusted, healed, completely sane individuals right? Nothing wrong with any of you its like perfection around here. So why don't some of y'all hook up?
> 
> Guess I just see things differently cause I think just about everyone on this site is kinda ****ed up. However, that doesn't mean I think anyone here is garbage. Well, maybe a couple people on this site, but like only 1 or 2. There's just a lot of people who haven't yet healed. Doesn't mean anyone is garbage. They are stuck and haven't moved past what happened to them. Its actually very sad.
> 
> Maybe I see a lot more self sabotage coupled with justifications for it in the form of being hyper critical of others, than you do on this site? Maybe I'm getting a bad read?
Click to expand...

No one was talking about people who think they behaved perfectly in their marriage or who think they are "perfect".

That does not change the fact that there really are some nice, normal single people who are dealing with a lot of ****ed up people in the dating pool. Who aren't interested in dating said ****ed up people.

Why are you so resistant to the fact that A. some divorced/single people really are quite nice and emotionally healthy and can offer a healthy relationship to another and B. there aren't a lot of these kinds of people, and many in the dating pool have *significant* issues that preclude a healthy relationship?

It's not rocket science to understand or even to observe.


----------



## FeministInPink

There are certainly a lot of people on TAM who have issues, but I also see a lot of people on TAM trying to grow and work through those issues, and become a better version of themselves. I am one of them.

I know that my response to a question posed by @RebuildingMe has been the catalyst for the current direction of the discussion, but oddly enough, no one has actually directed their response to me, and perhaps you should have, because I could have clarified.

I said, to paraphrase, I would only consider taking an ex back if they had begun working through their issues and had made significant progress. I was only speaking for myself, and taking my specific situation into account... the fact that I have also been working through my issues was implied in my response. Anyone who has known me for any length of time on TAM knows that I'm pretty much constantly working on myself.

My response wasn't meant to be a blanket statement that everyone should apply when considering if they would get back with an ex. I was answering for myself only; I was not responding on behalf of the greater TAM community.

And I would like to point out that we are all flawed, because we are human, and to be flawed is inherent in human nature. That doesn't mean that we aren't worthy of love, and even flawed people can strive towards healthy relationships.
@TheDudeLebowski I would suggest that you be a bit more introspective when you want to hurl insults and accusations at other people here. The flaws we call out and condemn in others is usually the flaw we detest the most in ourselves. Worry more about yourself and less about other people.

Oh, and BTW... TAMers do hook up IRL. You don't know about it because the ones who do are adults and don't spread it all over the forum.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

Livvie said:


> No one was talking about people who think they behaved perfectly in their marriage or who think they are "perfect".
> 
> That does not change the fact that there really are some nice, normal single people who are dealing with a lot of ****ed up people in the dating pool. Who aren't interested in dating said ****ed up people.
> 
> Why are you so resistant to the fact that A. some divorced/single people really are quite nice and emotionally healthy and can offer a healthy relationship to another and B. there aren't a lot of these kinds of people, and many in the dating pool have *significant* issues that preclude a healthy relationship?
> 
> It's not rocket science to understand or even to observe.


And I would argue that my divorce happened because I wanted a happy healthy relationship, and I wasn't going to get that with my XH--an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Our marriage counselor said to me, at the very end of everything, when she and I were alone together, "You know what a healthy relationship is. You've been trying for years to get him to have a healthy relationship with you, and he simply won't do it. You will never have a healthy relationship if you stay with him, because he will never change."

It takes two people to have a happy, healthy relationship. But it only takes one person to ruin a relationship and make it dysfunctional.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

Here is my update...

This is a very special but bittersweet situation. My boyfriend I had a year and a half ago, who I adored, we split over what we understand NOW was essentially a misunderstanding. And then we spent the year and a half in between both thinking the other one had friend zoned us and they did not have romantic feelings anymore. But we DID both still have those feelings for each other, we just thought so strongly we had been friend zoned by the other that neither of us tried to bring it up or try again. We both respected that the other had moved on...even though neither of us really had.

We had dinner a handful of times as friends over that year and a half. Each time, we both hoped the other one would bring it up, make a move, try again or somehow have changed their mind. We feel so silly about this now, and have discussed each of those dinners and how much we both hoped the other one would maybe go for a kiss at the end, or ask some questions leading to a new beginning. But neither of us wanted to be rejected, it would have hurt a lot to say "do you think we could try again" only to hear "no, sorry I'm happy with just friendship". So we never said anything!!!!

He contacted me last week by text. We were chatting and he did finally say something about the past. About how much I meant to him and how hard it was after we broke up. I started talking about how it was hard for me too, and that I kept hoping he would maybe reach back out to me. Then he said something about what he thought had been the reason we broke up, and that's when I said things that made him realize he had totally misunderstood what I had said back then. Over text, he was saying omg, that's right you didn't say this thing I thought, you actually said that thing you really meant. After that he asked if we could have dinner and I said sure.

When I got to dinner, I had new hope! I thought we could talk this out and maybe get back together!

But it turns out, the reason he was reaching out was to tell me goodbye because he is moving to another state for a year for a new job!! :surprise::frown2::crying:

He did not think we would end up talking and clear up the misunderstanding. He just thought he would tell me how much I had meant to him and that he loved knowing me and say goodbye. So at dinner we sat there all misty because NOW we actually have cleared up the misunderstanding but NOW he is leaving in a week!

So we quickly turned it around and just said well, we can do this, can't we? It will be long distance but we could travel to each other probably once a month at least. It is about a 4 hour plane ride and flights are pretty cheap. 

I would not go in to a LDR on purpose or start out that way in most circumstances. But this isn't starting out that way, it's ending up that way. And we do feel very solid about each other, I have no reservations about doing this LDR with him specifically. 

Since Monday, he has been staying at my place every night so we can spend as much time as possible together. And it has been really, really great. We both feel so stupid about the lost time! But we can laugh about it too because of how stupid we both actually were not to have figured this out sooner. :laugh:

Tomorrow he is going to meet my family. This is something I was planning on happening when we were together before, but we split up before we got around to it. Since he leaves Saturday morning, I'm not going to let the opportunity pass this time for him to meet them before he leaves. My family are all happy about this too and look forward to meeting him.

I'll take him to the airport Saturday morning...and then when he gets settled in we will plan our first visit weekend.

His new job is a one year contract and then he plans to move back to my city or at least the Pac NW where it would be a lot closer. Like I said, it is all bittersweet, but a lot more sweet than bitter. I'd rather be in an LDR with him than date anyone who lives here.

If you have watched the show The Good Place, the character Chidi reminds me a lot of my guy. Not in the full time anxiety and stomach aches :laugh: but just in how Chidi can get in his head too far and then not figure out how to do something that should have been obvious to other people. He is very endearing and sweet, but sometimes such a dumb boy (and also there is a cultural difference between us so that didn't help). I also have been a dumbass during this, I should have just told him more directly how I was feeling and all of this would have been fixed a long time ago!!! 

But it played out how it did, and we are both happy to make this work. :smile2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

FW- this is such a beautiful story. When I was reading towards the end, I was thinking, once a month? What do you all the other days? But then I saw it’s only a year and he’ll be back. Then I was so happy for you. I actually think based upon your past history with each other that this can work. Not only work, but be very powerful and meaningful for both him and you! Good luck and enjoy this week together. I’m sure your family will like him!


----------



## Lila

@Faithful Wife, if you're happy, I'm happy for you. Hope this is the beginning of a wonderful relationship.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> @Faithful Wife, if you're happy, I'm happy for you. Hope this is the beginning of a wonderful relationship.


I'm definitely not happy he is moving. But I am happy we have a second chance and that I think we can work this out for the next year. Thanks, lady :x


----------



## Cynthia

This sounds like the plot of a romantic comedy. 



Faithful Wife said:


> Here is my update...
> 
> This is a very special but bittersweet situation. My boyfriend I had a year and a half ago, who I adored, we split over what we understand NOW was essentially a misunderstanding. And then we spent the year and a half in between both thinking the other one had friend zoned us and they did not have romantic feelings anymore. But we DID both still have those feelings for each other, we just thought so strongly we had been friend zoned by the other that neither of us tried to bring it up or try again. We both respected that the other had moved on...even though neither of us really had.
> 
> We had dinner a handful of times as friends over that year and a half. Each time, we both hoped the other one would bring it up, make a move, try again or somehow have changed their mind. We feel so silly about this now, and have discussed each of those dinners and how much we both hoped the other one would maybe go for a kiss at the end, or ask some questions leading to a new beginning. But neither of us wanted to be rejected, it would have hurt a lot to say "do you think we could try again" only to hear "no, sorry I'm happy with just friendship". So we never said anything!!!!
> 
> He contacted me last week by text. We were chatting and he did finally say something about the past. About how much I meant to him and how hard it was after we broke up. I started talking about how it was hard for me too, and that I kept hoping he would maybe reach back out to me. Then he said something about what he thought had been the reason we broke up, and that's when I said things that made him realize he had totally misunderstood what I had said back then. Over text, he was saying omg, that's right you didn't say this thing I thought, you actually said that thing you really meant. After that he asked if we could have dinner and I said sure.
> 
> When I got to dinner, I had new hope! I thought we could talk this out and maybe get back together!
> 
> But it turns out, the reason he was reaching out was to tell me goodbye because he is moving to another state for a year for a new job!! :surprise::frown2::crying:
> 
> He did not think we would end up talking and clear up the misunderstanding. He just thought he would tell me how much I had meant to him and that he loved knowing me and say goodbye. So at dinner we sat there all misty because NOW we actually have cleared up the misunderstanding but NOW he is leaving in a week!
> 
> So we quickly turned it around and just said well, we can do this, can't we? It will be long distance but we could travel to each other probably once a month at least. It is about a 4 hour plane ride and flights are pretty cheap.
> 
> I would not go in to a LDR on purpose or start out that way in most circumstances. But this isn't starting out that way, it's ending up that way. And we do feel very solid about each other, I have no reservations about doing this LDR with him specifically.
> 
> Since Monday, he has been staying at my place every night so we can spend as much time as possible together. And it has been really, really great. We both feel so stupid about the lost time! But we can laugh about it too because of how stupid we both actually were not to have figured this out sooner. :laugh:
> 
> Tomorrow he is going to meet my family. This is something I was planning on happening when we were together before, but we split up before we got around to it. Since he leaves Saturday morning, I'm not going to let the opportunity pass this time for him to meet them before he leaves. My family are all happy about this too and look forward to meeting him.
> 
> I'll take him to the airport Saturday morning...and then when he gets settled in we will plan our first visit weekend.
> 
> His new job is a one year contract and then he plans to move back to my city or at least the Pac NW where it would be a lot closer. Like I said, it is all bittersweet, but a lot more sweet than bitter. I'd rather be in an LDR with him than date anyone who lives here.
> 
> If you have watched the show The Good Place, the character Chidi reminds me a lot of my guy. Not in the full time anxiety and stomach aches :laugh: but just in how Chidi can get in his head too far and then not figure out how to do something that should have been obvious to other people. He is very endearing and sweet, but sometimes such a dumb boy (and also there is a cultural difference between us so that didn't help). I also have been a dumbass during this, I should have just told him more directly how I was feeling and all of this would have been fixed a long time ago!!!
> 
> But it played out how it did, and we are both happy to make this work. :smile2:


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Here is my update...
> 
> This is a very special but bittersweet situation. My boyfriend I had a year and a half ago, who I adored, we split over what we understand NOW was essentially a misunderstanding. And then we spent the year and a half in between both thinking the other one had friend zoned us and they did not have romantic feelings anymore. But we DID both still have those feelings for each other, we just thought so strongly we had been friend zoned by the other that neither of us tried to bring it up or try again. We both respected that the other had moved on...even though neither of us really had.
> 
> We had dinner a handful of times as friends over that year and a half. Each time, we both hoped the other one would bring it up, make a move, try again or somehow have changed their mind. We feel so silly about this now, and have discussed each of those dinners and how much we both hoped the other one would maybe go for a kiss at the end, or ask some questions leading to a new beginning. But neither of us wanted to be rejected, it would have hurt a lot to say "do you think we could try again" only to hear "no, sorry I'm happy with just friendship". So we never said anything!!!!
> 
> He contacted me last week by text. We were chatting and he did finally say something about the past. About how much I meant to him and how hard it was after we broke up. I started talking about how it was hard for me too, and that I kept hoping he would maybe reach back out to me. Then he said something about what he thought had been the reason we broke up, and that's when I said things that made him realize he had totally misunderstood what I had said back then. Over text, he was saying omg, that's right you didn't say this thing I thought, you actually said that thing you really meant. After that he asked if we could have dinner and I said sure.
> 
> When I got to dinner, I had new hope! I thought we could talk this out and maybe get back together!
> 
> But it turns out, the reason he was reaching out was to tell me goodbye because he is moving to another state for a year for a new job!! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_surprise.png" border="0" alt="" title="EEK! Surprise!" ></a><a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_sad.png" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a><a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_crying.png" border="0" alt="" title="Crying" ></a>
> 
> He did not think we would end up talking and clear up the misunderstanding. He just thought he would tell me how much I had meant to him and that he loved knowing me and say goodbye. So at dinner we sat there all misty because NOW we actually have cleared up the misunderstanding but NOW he is leaving in a week!
> 
> So we quickly turned it around and just said well, we can do this, can't we? It will be long distance but we could travel to each other probably once a month at least. It is about a 4 hour plane ride and flights are pretty cheap.
> 
> I would not go in to a LDR on purpose or start out that way in most circumstances. But this isn't starting out that way, it's ending up that way. And we do feel very solid about each other, I have no reservations about doing this LDR with him specifically.
> 
> Since Monday, he has been staying at my place every night so we can spend as much time as possible together. And it has been really, really great. We both feel so stupid about the lost time! But we can laugh about it too because of how stupid we both actually were not to have figured this out sooner. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" ></a>
> 
> Tomorrow he is going to meet my family. This is something I was planning on happening when we were together before, but we split up before we got around to it. Since he leaves Saturday morning, I'm not going to let the opportunity pass this time for him to meet them before he leaves. My family are all happy about this too and look forward to meeting him.
> 
> I'll take him to the airport Saturday morning...and then when he gets settled in we will plan our first visit weekend.
> 
> His new job is a one year contract and then he plans to move back to my city or at least the Pac NW where it would be a lot closer. Like I said, it is all bittersweet, but a lot more sweet than bitter. I'd rather be in an LDR with him than date anyone who lives here.
> 
> If you have watched the show The Good Place, the character Chidi reminds me a lot of my guy. Not in the full time anxiety and stomach aches <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile_big.png" border="0" alt="" title="Laugh" ></a> but just in how Chidi can get in his head too far and then not figure out how to do something that should have been obvious to other people. He is very endearing and sweet, but sometimes such a dumb boy (and also there is a cultural difference between us so that didn't help). I also have been a dumbass during this, I should have just told him more directly how I was feeling and all of this would have been fixed a long time ago!!!
> 
> But it played out how it did, and we are both happy to make this work. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile.png" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>


I am glad that you have found happiness. It is only a year, it will go by fast!


----------



## Not

FW- Wow, I give you both kudos. He must be one heck of a guy! I don’t know that I could do a LDR.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> FW- Wow, I give you both kudos. He must be one heck of a guy! I don’t know that I could do a LDR.


I did not think I could do one either and I definitely wish this one wasn’t going to be LD! And honestly if it was not just a one year job with him planning to come back, we would probably not have chosen to proceed like this. 

But yeah he is a heck of a guy, I’ve never met anyone like him and our time together before was always awesome. He’s worth it.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Cynthia said:


> This sounds like the plot of a romantic comedy.


That’s what my mom said! :laugh:


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> I am glad that you have found happiness. It is only a year, it will go by fast!


Yes, a year goes by very fast. And at least we will have quite a few full weekend visits in that year.

My bff of over 20 years has had a couple of work assignments that had her move somewhere else for up to two years at a time. We are very close and I really hated it when she had these assignments. And although it’s not the same, when considering making this one year agreement to be long distance with my Chidi, it went through my mind, hey bff has moved away from me for longer than that and it went by really fast. We can do this!


----------



## Numb26

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am glad that you have found happiness. It is only a year, it will go by fast!
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, a year goes by very fast. And at least we will have quite a few full weekend visits in that year.
> 
> My bff of over 20 years has had a couple of work assignments that had her move somewhere else for up to two years at a time. We are very close and I really hated it when she had these assignments. And although it’s not the same, when considering making this one year agreement to be long distance with my Chidi, it went through my mind, hey bff has moved away from me for longer than that and it went by really fast. We can do this!
Click to expand...

You can do this standing on your head because it is something that's worth it! Maybe your luck will rub off and I will meet another 6.2. Haha


----------



## Faithful Wife

Numb26 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am glad that you have found happiness. It is only a year, it will go by fast!
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, a year goes by very fast. And at least we will have quite a few full weekend visits in that year.
> 
> My bff of over 20 years has had a couple of work assignments that had her move somewhere else for up to two years at a time. We are very close and I really hated it when she had these assignments. And although it’s not the same, when considering making this one year agreement to be long distance with my Chidi, it went through my mind, hey bff has moved away from me for longer than that and it went by really fast. We can do this!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> You can do this standing on your head because it is something that's worth it! Maybe your luck will rub off and I will meet another 6.2. Haha
Click to expand...

No way on 6.2, man! My guy is a solid 8.5 so if my luck rubs off on you, you should expect a much higher ranked gal than 6.2

Wheeee!


----------



## TXTrini

TheDudeLebowski said:


> At what point does a person reach the conclusion "maybe everyone else isn't the problem. Maybe its me!" ?
> 
> As for your scenario, I still stick by what I said. I don't believe a perfect marriage has ever ended. Cause one has never existed. The woman in your scenario, does she believe herself to be perfect? Does she believe that many men wouldn't also look at her and say "she has issues" cause I can guarantee they do.
> 
> Is every single person on this site garbage? You all are in the dating pool here. Why dont some of y'all hook up? Nobody here would call anyone garbage right? So here's a whole site of fully adjusted, healed, completely sane individuals right? Nothing wrong with any of you its like perfection around here. So why don't some of y'all hook up?
> 
> Guess I just see things differently cause I think just about everyone on this site is kinda ****ed up. However, that doesn't mean I think anyone here is garbage. Well, maybe a couple people on this site, but like only 1 or 2. There's just a lot of people who haven't yet healed. Doesn't mean anyone is garbage. They are stuck and haven't moved past what happened to them. Its actually very sad.
> 
> Maybe I see a lot more self sabotage coupled with justifications for it in the form of being hyper critical of others, than you do on this site? Maybe I'm getting a bad read?


Not everyone on this site is single, but every single person on this site has issues. Am I the only one amused by the utter lack of irony here?:grin2: You must be super fun at parties :laugh: 

After the initial shock of a cheating husband who apparently had a mid-life crisis and is "in love with a 19 y/o at 40", I am the happiest and most positive I've been in a decade swimming in the cesspool with the rest of the garbage instead of having every bit of joy sucked out of me.


----------



## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> No one was talking about people who think they behaved perfectly in their marriage or who think they are "perfect".
> 
> That does not change the fact that there really are some nice, normal single people who are dealing with a lot of ****ed up people in the dating pool. Who aren't interested in dating said ****ed up people.
> 
> Why are you so resistant to the fact that A. some divorced/single people really are quite nice and emotionally healthy and can offer a healthy relationship to another and B. there aren't a lot of these kinds of people, and many in the dating pool have *significant* issues that preclude a healthy relationship?
> 
> It's not rocket science to understand or even to observe.


Don't waste your time girl. I'm seeing a kid doubling down, huffing and puffing, looking all indignant.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> Here is my update...
> 
> This is a very special but bittersweet situation. My boyfriend I had a year and a half ago, who I adored, we split over what we understand NOW was essentially a misunderstanding. And then we spent the year and a half in between both thinking the other one had friend zoned us and they did not have romantic feelings anymore. But we DID both still have those feelings for each other, we just thought so strongly we had been friend zoned by the other that neither of us tried to bring it up or try again. We both respected that the other had moved on...even though neither of us really had.
> 
> We had dinner a handful of times as friends over that year and a half. Each time, we both hoped the other one would bring it up, make a move, try again or somehow have changed their mind. We feel so silly about this now, and have discussed each of those dinners and how much we both hoped the other one would maybe go for a kiss at the end, or ask some questions leading to a new beginning. But neither of us wanted to be rejected, it would have hurt a lot to say "do you think we could try again" only to hear "no, sorry I'm happy with just friendship". So we never said anything!!!!
> 
> He contacted me last week by text. We were chatting and he did finally say something about the past. About how much I meant to him and how hard it was after we broke up. I started talking about how it was hard for me too, and that I kept hoping he would maybe reach back out to me. Then he said something about what he thought had been the reason we broke up, and that's when I said things that made him realize he had totally misunderstood what I had said back then. Over text, he was saying omg, that's right you didn't say this thing I thought, you actually said that thing you really meant. After that he asked if we could have dinner and I said sure.
> 
> When I got to dinner, I had new hope! I thought we could talk this out and maybe get back together!
> 
> But it turns out, the reason he was reaching out was to tell me goodbye because he is moving to another state for a year for a new job!! :surprise::frown2::crying:
> 
> He did not think we would end up talking and clear up the misunderstanding. He just thought he would tell me how much I had meant to him and that he loved knowing me and say goodbye. So at dinner we sat there all misty because NOW we actually have cleared up the misunderstanding but NOW he is leaving in a week!
> 
> So we quickly turned it around and just said well, we can do this, can't we? It will be long distance but we could travel to each other probably once a month at least. It is about a 4 hour plane ride and flights are pretty cheap.
> 
> I would not go in to a LDR on purpose or start out that way in most circumstances. But this isn't starting out that way, it's ending up that way. And we do feel very solid about each other, I have no reservations about doing this LDR with him specifically.
> 
> Since Monday, he has been staying at my place every night so we can spend as much time as possible together. And it has been really, really great. We both feel so stupid about the lost time! But we can laugh about it too because of how stupid we both actually were not to have figured this out sooner. :laugh:
> 
> Tomorrow he is going to meet my family. This is something I was planning on happening when we were together before, but we split up before we got around to it. Since he leaves Saturday morning, I'm not going to let the opportunity pass this time for him to meet them before he leaves. My family are all happy about this too and look forward to meeting him.
> 
> I'll take him to the airport Saturday morning...and then when he gets settled in we will plan our first visit weekend.
> 
> His new job is a one year contract and then he plans to move back to my city or at least the Pac NW where it would be a lot closer. Like I said, it is all bittersweet, but a lot more sweet than bitter. I'd rather be in an LDR with him than date anyone who lives here.
> 
> If you have watched the show The Good Place, the character Chidi reminds me a lot of my guy. Not in the full time anxiety and stomach aches :laugh: but just in how Chidi can get in his head too far and then not figure out how to do something that should have been obvious to other people. He is very endearing and sweet, but sometimes such a dumb boy (and also there is a cultural difference between us so that didn't help). I also have been a dumbass during this, I should have just told him more directly how I was feeling and all of this would have been fixed a long time ago!!!
> 
> But it played out how it did, and we are both happy to make this work. :smile2:


I am so happy for you *hugs*. It'll be ok. Thank you for providing the update! Btw, what cultural differences are you experiencing? I'm asking b/c I'm trying to avoid some myself. I am a Caribbean ex-pat, and I have to constantly remind myself I need to be sensitive to paradigm differences in many areas since I'm starting over.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Some I’m starting to get the lingo for online dating:

-self employed or entrepreneur means no job
-some college means barely a HS diploma or maybe a GED
-have kids and they live at home means I can’t get free time to go on a date 
-if a 25 year old hot female likes me but lives in another country or 3000 miles away, she’s a cam girl that wants money


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm definitely not happy he is moving. But I am happy we have a second chance and that I think we can work this out for the next year. Thanks, lady :x


And if it wasn't for this move, he probably wouldn't have said the things that put all this in motion. So, in a sense, you have his move/job change to thank!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## minimalME

Genuine question - is this offensive?



RebuildingMe said:


> ...self employed or entrepreneur means no job


I don't know how old you are, but I'm in my early 50s, and I consider myself retired/entrepreneurial.

So, I have no 'job', but I also have no debt (not for last two decades, and before that, it was only house/car debt), and I'm financially independent.

Perhaps, if you're truly interested, ask more questions? 

I'd never put that I don't need to work on a dating profile. Some information simply isn't appropriate.


----------



## Elizabeth001

minimalME said:


> Genuine question - is this offensive?
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know how old you are, but I'm in my early 50s, and I consider myself retired/entrepreneurial.
> 
> So, I have no 'job', but I also have no debt (not for last two decades, and before that, it was only house/car debt), and I'm financially independent.
> 
> Perhaps, if you're truly interested, ask more questions?
> 
> I'd never put that I don't need to work on a dating profile. Some information simply isn't appropriate.




I think he’s talking in a general sense. I found the same thing when I was doing OLD. You are an exception 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## attheend02

Elizabeth001 said:


> I think he’s talking in a general sense. I found the same thing when I was doing OLD. You are an exception
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



But aren't we all looking for the "exception"?

Edit: But aren't we all looking for the exceptional?


----------



## Faithful Wife

minimalME said:


> Genuine question - is this offensive?
> 
> 
> 
> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...self employed or entrepreneur means no job
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know how old you are, but I'm in my early 50s, and I consider myself retired/entrepreneurial.
> 
> So, I have no 'job', but I also have no debt (not for last two decades, and before that, it was only house/car debt), and I'm financially independent.
> 
> Perhaps, if you're truly interested, ask more questions?
> 
> I'd never put that I don't need to work on a dating profile. Some information simply isn't appropriate.
Click to expand...

In our age bracket I think it’s more common for people to be retired or semi retired or in other words, don’t need to have a full time income because they have other assets and types of income. I don’t assume it means they are broke and unemployed when it is someone in our age group. Though it might mean that, but a few questions will sort that out pretty quick. 

Like a guy I was talking to who talked about his sailboat on his profile....making it seem like he had a wealthy lifestyle....in talking a bit more that sailboat isn’t his and he lives on a houseboat on the river. 

Some houseboats are quite expensive and luxurious, so a bit more conversation sussed out that his was a floating dump.


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> I am so happy for you *hugs*. It'll be ok. Thank you for providing the update! Btw, what cultural differences are you experiencing? I'm asking b/c I'm trying to avoid some myself. I am a Caribbean ex-pat, and I have to constantly remind myself I need to be sensitive to paradigm differences in many areas since I'm starting over.


He is from an entirely different culture and continent and there are some ways in dating him that this comes out. But mostly, American guys are kind of bold and maybe a tad cocky or just sort of boyish. My guy is none of those. He is intelligent and always acts properly. He can also be hilarious and free spirited, but when it comes to dating and relationship stuff he is very proper and will never be what we consider here to be bold. It is not how he was raised. He would not think of trying to change someone’s mind about anything, he would just accept their answer in every case. I’m still just talking about dating right now, as he may join a debate and definitely try to change someone’s mind about certain things, and also as a scientist he and others are changing each other’s minds all the time as they work through things. But in dating, there is no pushing or asking twice or anything like that. He is polite and dignified, always.

So when we broke up, this worked against us because a quick meet up with him just asking for clarification would have had us back together right away. But instead, he believed what I was saying was that I was done and over him, so he never asked for clarification. (That was never what I was saying).

Also, he is humble to a fault and so could really never see that I was really into him. He just couldn’t quite believe that, even though I always was and am totally into him.

I think this time he can see how he will need to be a tiny bit less humble and allow himself to believe that I’m totes into him!! :grin2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

minimalME said:


> Genuine question - is this offensive?
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know how old you are, but I'm in my early 50s, and I consider myself retired/entrepreneurial.
> 
> So, I have no 'job', but I also have no debt (not for last two decades, and before that, it was only house/car debt), and I'm financially independent.
> 
> Perhaps, if you're truly interested, ask more questions?
> 
> I'd never put that I don't need to work on a dating profile. Some information simply isn't appropriate.


I’m late 40’s. I work and I need to work. I’m not talking about people retired like yourself. I’m talking about women in their early 40’s who are “self employed” only to find out that self employed means they collect alimony and child support as their career.


----------



## minimalME

Okay, but I didn't earn my money - my dad did. Everything I have is from him.

Is that offensive? If it's not 'self-earned'?



RebuildingMe said:


> I’m late 40’s. I work and I need to work. I’m not talking about people retired like yourself. I’m talking about women in their early 40’s who are “self employed” only to find out that self employed means they collect alimony and child support as their career.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Some I’m starting to get the lingo for online dating:
> 
> -self employed or entrepreneur means no job
> -some college means barely a HS diploma or maybe a GED
> -have kids and they live at home means I can’t get free time to go on a date
> -if a 25 year old hot female likes me but lives in another country or 3000 miles away, she’s a cam girl that wants money


Please keep adding to this, it's hysterical! :grin2: Plus I might need dating for dummies if whatever this is I'm involved with doesn't work out.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> He is from an entirely different culture and continent and there are some ways in dating him that this comes out. But mostly, American guys are kind of bold and maybe a tad cocky or just sort of boyish. My guy is none of those. He is intelligent and always acts properly. He can also be hilarious and free spirited, but when it comes to dating and relationship stuff he is very proper and will never be what we consider here to be bold. It is not how he was raised. He would not think of trying to change someone’s mind about anything, he would just accept their answer in every case. I’m still just talking about dating right now, as he may join a debate and definitely try to change someone’s mind about certain things, and also as a scientist he and others are changing each other’s minds all the time as they work through things. But in dating, there is no pushing or asking twice or anything like that. He is polite and dignified, always.
> 
> So when we broke up, this worked against us because a quick meet up with him just asking for clarification would have had us back together right away. But instead, he believed what I was saying was that I was done and over him, so he never asked for clarification. (That was never what I was saying).
> 
> Also, he is humble to a fault and so could really never see that I was really into him. He just couldn’t quite believe that, even though I always was and am totally into him.
> 
> I think this time he can see how he will need to be a tiny bit less humble and allow himself to believe that I’m totes into him!! :grin2:


He sounds wonderful. I can see where he's coming from. Which culture and continent? I'm cursed with unending curiousity. :grin2:, so feel free to tell me when to sod off and stop minding your business :grin2:. I love to see people happy, so I'm living vicariously through you atm until it's my time. 

Funnily enough, my guy is a geologist and he's very intelligent, humble, reserved and dignified. He's an old-fashioned southern gentleman with a naughty streak that I very much enjoy. I'm trying to be patient while we get to know each other's quirks, he's too used to women obfuscating the truth and reading into things and he's afraid to put himself out there. This trip, for example, he claimed he was asking me "again" if I'd be interested in going with him. He never asked me lol, he was saying what he had to do and talking generally, I didn't assume I was going b/c he said we're "feeling each other out".

I'm "**** or get off the pot" kind of gal, I like to KNOW, so I don't beat around the bush or assume anything. I just say what I have to say, as nicely as I can manage. So we're having our own little culture clash :laugh: Argh, why can't people just say what they mean so we can just move along?!


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> He is from an entirely different culture and continent and there are some ways in dating him that this comes out. But mostly, American guys are kind of bold and maybe a tad cocky or just sort of boyish. My guy is none of those. He is intelligent and always acts properly. He can also be hilarious and free spirited, but when it comes to dating and relationship stuff he is very proper and will never be what we consider here to be bold. It is not how he was raised. He would not think of trying to change someone’s mind about anything, he would just accept their answer in every case. I’m still just talking about dating right now, as he may join a debate and definitely try to change someone’s mind about certain things, and also as a scientist he and others are changing each other’s minds all the time as they work through things. But in dating, there is no pushing or asking twice or anything like that. He is polite and dignified, always.
> 
> So when we broke up, this worked against us because a quick meet up with him just asking for clarification would have had us back together right away. But instead, he believed what I was saying was that I was done and over him, so he never asked for clarification. (That was never what I was saying).
> 
> Also, he is humble to a fault and so could really never see that I was really into him. He just couldn’t quite believe that, even though I always was and am totally into him.
> 
> I think this time he can see how he will need to be a tiny bit less humble and allow himself to believe that I’m totes into him!! :grin2:


So happy for you.

Be careful with this one. You might need to pull some punches a bit compared to some other guys. Not saying you punch, but I'm saying be clear with everything. He sounds sensitive, which is good, but he also sounds like he defaults to taking it on the chin, assuming that he's been dumped, and then leaving you alone because he may think that's what you want.

He may need some hand holding through this. The song "criminal" by fiona apple sprang to mind when I wrote this post. He sounds like he lives with his shields down, so to speak, and all up in his intellect, so his emotional reasoning might not be as fast, sharp, or coherent as yours.

Fingers crossed for you. Hope you find every happiness. Don't forget, there's always facetime!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Marduk said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> He is from an entirely different culture and continent and there are some ways in dating him that this comes out. But mostly, American guys are kind of bold and maybe a tad cocky or just sort of boyish. My guy is none of those. He is intelligent and always acts properly. He can also be hilarious and free spirited, but when it comes to dating and relationship stuff he is very proper and will never be what we consider here to be bold. It is not how he was raised. He would not think of trying to change someone’s mind about anything, he would just accept their answer in every case. I’m still just talking about dating right now, as he may join a debate and definitely try to change someone’s mind about certain things, and also as a scientist he and others are changing each other’s minds all the time as they work through things. But in dating, there is no pushing or asking twice or anything like that. He is polite and dignified, always.
> 
> So when we broke up, this worked against us because a quick meet up with him just asking for clarification would have had us back together right away. But instead, he believed what I was saying was that I was done and over him, so he never asked for clarification. (That was never what I was saying).
> 
> Also, he is humble to a fault and so could really never see that I was really into him. He just couldn’t quite believe that, even though I always was and am totally into him.
> 
> I think this time he can see how he will need to be a tiny bit less humble and allow himself to believe that I’m totes into him!! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>
> 
> 
> 
> So happy for you.
> 
> Be careful with this one. You might need to pull some punches a bit compared to some other guys. Not saying you punch, but I'm saying be clear with everything. He sounds sensitive, which is good, but he also sounds like he defaults to taking it on the chin, assuming that he's been dumped, and then leaving you alone because he may think that's what you want.
> 
> He may need some hand holding through this. The song "criminal" by fiona apple sprang to mind when I wrote this post. He sounds like he lives with his shields down, so to speak, and all up in his intellect, so his emotional reasoning might not be as fast, sharp, or coherent as yours.
> 
> Fingers crossed for you. Hope you find every happiness. Don't forget, there's always facetime!
Click to expand...

That lesson has been learned and I totally get it now that if he doesn’t seem to understand me, I can shake him by the shoulders and say “dude, I am going to make you understand!”

And he told me to do that himself. Ha ha!


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Hey all....well I suppose it’s time I move myself right on over to this thread and get comfortable! Going out with friends from work tonight and kind of pumped about it! Kind of the first *real* thing I’ve done so far since this has all gone the way it has!!! 


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## RebuildingMe

minimalME said:


> Okay, but I didn't earn my money - my dad did. Everything I have is from him.
> 
> Is that offensive? If it's not 'self-earned'?


I’m not sure where “offensive” came from? I never said that. Your case may be different, but I’m not talking about you. I’m taking about my brief experiences I’ve had with OLD.


----------



## RebuildingMe

hubbyintrubby said:


> Hey all....well I suppose it’s time I move myself right on over to this thread and get comfortable! Going out with friends from work tonight and kind of pumped about it! Kind of the first *real* thing I’ve done so far since this has all gone the way it has!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Have fun and enjoy yourself! I’m going to my first singles meetup event on Sunday for brunch. We can exchange some stories! Lol


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## Faithful Wife

hubbyintrubby said:


> Hey all....well I suppose it’s time I move myself right on over to this thread and get comfortable! Going out with friends from work tonight and kind of pumped about it! Kind of the first *real* thing I’ve done so far since this has all gone the way it has!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Welcome hubby! So glad you’re here! I actually missed the thread or post where we hear you are breaking up so I don’t know what happened, but all I know is it’s a good thing that you are here. 

Cheers!


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Some I’m starting to get the lingo for online dating:
> 
> -self employed or entrepreneur means no job
> -some college means barely a HS diploma or maybe a GED
> -have kids and they live at home means I can’t get free time to go on a date
> -if a 25 year old hot female likes me but lives in another country or 3000 miles away, she’s a cam girl that wants money


To the last one, YES! Those are the fake accounts I mentioned previously.

I’ve heard some women will fill in “it’s complicated” for their job description lol! I filled in “Master of multitasking and snarky stares” for mine. :grin2: I work for a state agency and don’t want to actually state what I do for a living until I’ve talked with someone for at least a little bit. Anyone could locate my place of employment otherwise. Simple google search. 

Kids and no time to actually date.....see it all the time from men too. Superman has two year old twins and a 4 year old and wanted me to come to his place one evening after work for our “meet”. They had the flu. SMH.

Oh! And I got a message from Big Show today! He apparently uses POF too lol! So I ask the guy to show me a real picture, it was like one of those wish.com memes.


----------



## Elizabeth001

minimalME said:


> Okay, but I didn't earn my money - my dad did. Everything I have is from him.
> 
> 
> 
> Is that offensive? If it's not 'self-earned'?



Oops... I pre-posted again. lol 

I wouldn’t say offensive...just not admirable in the working class crowd. We know what it means to work hard for every minimal thing you own. Birds flock together and all that...




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## hubbyintrubby

Faithful Wife said:


> Welcome hubby! So glad you’re here! I actually missed the thread or post where we hear you are breaking up so I don’t know what happened, but all I know is it’s a good thing that you are here.
> 
> Cheers!




Thanks!!! Honestly there wasn’t much too it. Finally grew a set, told her I was done. We are still living together and that’s rough some days, but c’est la vie! 


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## RebuildingMe

hubbyintrubby said:


> Thanks!!! Honestly there wasn’t much too it. Finally grew a set, told her I was done. We are still living together and that’s rough some days, but c’est la vie!
> 
> I’m glad you are now here. Takes some pressure off of us other guys, lol
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## minimalME

You mentioned alimony in a disparaging way, so I was wondering if you held that opinion of other unearned money. 



RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not sure where “offensive” came from? I never said that. Your case may be different, but I’m not talking about you. I’m taking about my brief experiences I’ve had with OLD.


----------



## RebuildingMe

minimalME said:


> You mentioned alimony in a disparaging way, so I was wondering if you held that opinion of other unearned money.


When someone collects alimony and child support and thinks it’s a career, I next them. That’s all I’m saying and I can’t be any clearer than that.


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## hubbyintrubby

Ha....I’ll add what I can....but in all honesty I haven’t been a single man since I was 17. Oy.


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## Chuck71

RebuildingMe said:


> Some I’m starting to get the lingo for online dating:
> 
> -self employed or entrepreneur means no job
> -some college means barely a HS diploma or maybe a GED
> -have kids and they live at home means I can’t get free time to go on a date
> -if a 25 year old hot female likes me but lives in another country or 3000 miles away, she’s a cam girl that wants money


Things haven't changed since I was on them in 2015-16. Reason why you meet ASAP.

Many "fudge" on certain questions


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## Faithful Wife

Dropped my Chidi off at the airport this morning after spending as much of the week I could with him.

Sad but not terrible as we know we can make it a month until we see each other again.

Decided not to do the family meet because I wanted him all to myself for all of those hours! He will meet them when he comes to visit soon.

I haven’t had a man in my bed and in my space for 5 nights in a row since my divorce or about 5 years ago. It was fun and sweet and I introduced him to The Good Place. Which he had not seen but was interested in after I told him about the Chidi character. Now he’s hooked! And we watched some episodes all snuggled up in bed together and when the Eleanor and Chidi part came where they are on the tape of Mindi St. Clair all wrapped up in bed together...that’s how we were too and wow, it was adorable and romantic. He hugged me so tight at that moment.


----------



## In Absentia

How many of you feel that dating at 57 is just a waste of time? Just trying to look ahead when I will be single again, and, to be honest, I can't really see myself dating after 30 years of marriage and together with the same person for 35. I was 22 when we met. The thought of being with another woman is just so alien to me...


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## ReformedHubby

In Absentia said:


> How many of you feel that dating at 57 is just a waste of time? Just trying to look ahead when I will be single again, and, to be honest, I can't really see myself dating after 30 years of marriage and together with the same person for 35. I was 22 when we met. The thought of being with another woman is just so *exciting* to me...


^^^ Fixed that for you :wink2:. Not discounting how you feel at all, but maybe slowly start to think of it as an opportunity to experience something new, and yes exciting too.


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## Livvie

In Absentia said:


> How many of you feel that dating at 57 is just a waste of time? Just trying to look ahead when I will be single again, and, to be honest, I can't really see myself dating after 30 years of marriage and together with the same person for 35. I was 22 when we met. The thought of being with another woman is just so alien to me...


Your wife isn't interested in you sexually, and unfortunately nor is she interested in you as a close, emotionally intimate, treasured friend -- from what you shared of her reaction to you when you halted talk of divorce and "came back" to the marriage.

Many people would be yearning to experience a full, mutual relationship after being with someone who was as disconnected (and detrimental to you) as your wife is for so long. I've seen people in their 70s have a wonderful time forming love relationships, living together and even getting married.

That doesn't have to be you, though. You don't have to date anyone every if you don't want to. Only you get to decide how much you let your feelings for her dictate your life.


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## In Absentia

Livvie said:


> Only you get to decide how much you let your feelings for her dictate your life.



I'm aware of that. But it would not be that stopping me. It wouldn't be the feelings for my wife, but what I have become, which I don't like anymore. Even with therapy, I just don't like myself and I can't get past it. I can't date if I don't like who I am.


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## Lila

In Absentia said:


> How many of you feel that dating at 57 is just a waste of time? Just trying to look ahead when I will be single again, and, to be honest, I can't really see myself dating after 30 years of marriage and together with the same person for 35. I was 22 when we met. The thought of being with another woman is just so alien to me...


You don't have to be 57 to feel that way. I'm 45 and feel that way now. I find the effort necessary to date to outweigh the benefits I'm getting out of it. 

I think the less you expect from dating, the happier you'll be doing it. In other words, why do you want to date? If you use dating as a way to meet new people or to get out of the house, you might do pretty good. If you actually want to find a relationship, you might find it a tougher road.


----------



## In Absentia

ReformedHubby said:


> ^^^ Fixed that for you :wink2:. Not discounting how you feel at all, but maybe slowly start to think of it as an opportunity to experience something new, and yes exciting too.


Thanks... I find it terrifying... :laugh:


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## In Absentia

Lila said:


> You don't have to be 57 to feel that way. I'm 45 and feel that way now. I find the effort necessary to date to outweigh the benefits I'm getting out of it.
> 
> I think the less you expect from dating, the happier you'll be doing it. In other words, why do you want to date? If you use dating as a way to meet new people or to get out of the house, you might do pretty good. If you actually want to find a relationship, you might find it a tougher road.



I still don't know what I want, really. I don't really see myself dating to find a new relationship.


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## Lila

In Absentia said:


> I still don't know what I want, really. *I don't really see myself dating to find a new relationship*.


Then don't worry about dating. You are not required to do it. Do the stuff you enjoy doing.


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## AVR1962

In Absentia said:


> How many of you feel that dating at 57 is just a waste of time? Just trying to look ahead when I will be single again, and, to be honest, I can't really see myself dating after 30 years of marriage and together with the same person for 35. I was 22 when we met. The thought of being with another woman is just so alien to me...


It is not a waste of time. I am 57, female...married twice (7 years and 24 years). I can I was not comfortable dating at first, much has changed since I was dating in my 20's. People, in general, are on their phones where ever you go so catching an eye to engage in possible conversation is much more difficult. As a woman I don't feel comfortable asking a man out, or seeing someone I am attracted to and seating by them to start a conversation. On-line dating is crazy....tried all kind of different dating site, had the most success with Match. You really have to screen people though. I am active in the gym, keep up my appearance and I have found lots of men my age have not so that, for me, makes it a challenge. Men are attracted to me but even with those that I was mutually interested in I find that true connection is hard to find. Maybe we talk easily on the phone but then in person there is no chemistry, or maybe we hit it off in person but things fizzle for one of us. 

Divorced now for 3 1/2 years and have had a few relationships and I can tell you that hormonal stage is still very real and alive in us at our age. For me those hormones can be very blinding and confusing but I have reminded myself that you have to get beyond the first 6 months when the heart isn't racing quite so fast before you really get to know the person. I think us ladies tend to fantasize about the future with the person we are dating and keeping that in perspective takes a great deal of mental work for me. 

I feel that I got caught up in hormones with both my husbands and had we waited, and if I had of heeded the warning signs (those obvious red flags) I would not have married either man. My perspective now is different. I enjoy my time with whoever I am out on a date with. If something comes of it, it does and if not, it was interesting to meet the person and life moves on. In dating now at my age I have realized more than before what is important to me rather feeling I needed to please the person I am with to win them. I don't feel any need to win anyone. 

I have been seeing the man I call my 'tiger' for over 8 months now. The way I see it, we are still getting to know each other. I do not pressure him, he does not pressure me, we enjoy each other's company without expectations. Is he prefect? No, and neither am I but nothing has jumped out at me to cause alarm.

So is it worth it? Yes! (I am being long-winded here) It is a matter of what your perspective is.


----------



## Livvie

Lila said:


> In Absentia said:
> 
> 
> 
> I still don't know what I want, really. *I don't really see myself dating to find a new relationship*.
> 
> 
> 
> Then don't worry about dating. You are not required to do it. Do the stuff you enjoy doing.
Click to expand...

This. Also, you are not divorced, not even separated, and are still living with your wife and presenting as a married couple. You thoughts might change in the future in the event you actually are single.


----------



## AVR1962

In Absentia said:


> Thanks... I find it terrifying... :laugh:


I was just talking to a friend about the first date situation I had after my divorce after being with my husband for 27 years. The man asked me to go to Golden Corral which I posted on here about and got quite a humorous reaction to. My thoughts were "Golden Corral, who takes a first date to Golden Corral?" I cancelled the date and not just because of the place but I was terribly nervous. He and I had a mutual friend, he contacted our friend and was upset that I had cancelled the date. That for me was enough that I had no intentions to see him again. Who does that? and why? Five months later my friend showed me a picture asking me if this was the man that had asked me out and here he is in a picture marrying his wife on the beach (new pic). So either things went very fast for them or he was engaged to be married when he asked me out.


----------



## In Absentia

Livvie said:


> This. Also, you are not divorced, not even separated, and are still living with your wife and presenting as a married couple. You thoughts might change in the future in the event you actually are single.


That's true. I guess it must a change of mentality/approach that can only pursued by breaking every chain. I'm not at that stage yet. But I can't help thinking about the new future. And that scares me.


----------



## Not

Meeting someone in a couple of hours. I’m forcing myself to go lol! I’m not real excited but he seems nice (very polite) and he’s trying really hard with me so I give him an A for effort. His pics are ok (beautiful eyes though), I’m hoping the 3D version is good.

I stopped at a gas station last night and as I was standing in line I noticed the guy up at the register was someone from POF who had sent me messages in the past. When he turned to walk away from the register he saw me and walked by slowly and stopped and stared at me for about 3 seconds. I looked over at him and he apologized, said he thought he knew me. That was a first. I remember his pictures. He’s a decent looking guy but not my type. He looked better in person.

I remember thinking the same thing about B. He looked better in 3D. Seeing the face and body in motion really matters, the pics will never do a person justice. Some will lie and be heavier or shorter yes but others need to be seen in person to get an accurate impression and I’ve discovered this can really change things. Attraction may not be there when looking at pics but will be there in person. 

I need to date more and give more of these guys chances. I’ve been on 3 dates in six months, not including Sky, and two of them I agreed to meet not because I was interested in them as relationship material but because they had fascinating lives and I wanted to hear their stories. The other guy, my first date right after B, was a rebound date and didn’t stand a chance at that point in time. So I haven’t had a date I was seriously interested in since May!!

I hope I’ll be pleasantly surprised today.


----------



## In Absentia

AVR1962 said:


> So is it worth it? Yes! (I am being long-winded here) It is a matter of what your perspective is.


I don't have a perspective... :smile2: I guess I'm putting the cart before the horse.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Meeting someone in a couple of hours. I’m forcing myself to go lol! I’m not real excited but he seems nice (very polite) and he’s trying really hard with me so I give him an A for effort. His pics are ok (beautiful eyes though), I’m hoping the 3D version is good.
> 
> I stopped at a gas station last night and as I was standing in line I noticed the guy up at the register was someone from POF who had sent me messages in the past. When he turned to walk away from the register he saw me and walked by slowly and stopped and stared at me for about 3 seconds. I looked over at him and he apologized, said he thought he knew me. That was a first. I remember his pictures. He’s a decent looking guy but not my type. He looked better in person.
> 
> I remember thinking the same thing about B. He looked better in 3D. Seeing the face and body in motion really matters, the pics will never do a person justice. Some will lie and be heavier or shorter yes but others need to be seen in person to get an accurate impression and I’ve discovered this can really change things. Attraction may not be there when looking at pics but will be there in person.
> 
> I need to date more and give more of these guys chances. I’ve been on 3 dates in six months, not including Sky, and two of them I agreed to meet not because I was interested in them as relationship material but because they had fascinating lives and I wanted to hear their stories. The other guy, my first date right after B, was a rebound date and didn’t stand a chance at that point in time. So I haven’t had a date I was seriously interested in since May!!
> 
> I hope I’ll be pleasantly surprised today.


Good luck! Hope you update us later.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So I had my first meetup singles event. It was a co-ed brunch, but is normally women only the first Sunday of every month. I was one of 4 men there, with about 30 women. I was one of the youngest at 48, and I look a lot younger than my age. I would say the average age in the room was about 55-60. I got there early because it is on the south shore of where I live and I am not familiar. After I sit, I see a woman walk in who looks very familiar. I live in a very populated area of millions. Later, during the brunch I spoke to this woman and it turns out we just matched yesterday on Match. What are the odds? We had sent each other a couple of messages yesterday, but that was it. We didn't seem to hit it off. 

At my table walks in a very attractive woman who looks like she's young, early 30's and she sits across from me. We had a nice conversation for about 10 minutes. She had never been married and just got out of an abusive relationship. Come to find out that she is 38. Another woman at our table who looks like she is 65ish tells me she can guess my age. I say give it a shot. She says 38-40. I tell her I'm 48. She is shocked and the attractive female gets up and moves to another table for the rest of the brunch, never to be heard from again. Was it something that I said??? People are crazy.

I ended up meeting a guy who was my age and was very cool and went through a divorce 4 years ago with young children. He seems very cool and encouraged me to do the speed dating with him. He's someone I'd hang out with and have a beer with. He knows my IHS is rough, as he did it for about a year himself.

So I guess it was mixed. I went there to meet people and I met a guy my age, lol. I'd do it again and have signed up for the bowling event in 2 weeks. I am hoping the crowd is a bit younger for the next event.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

RM, good for you for getting out there and taking a chance! 

Struggling a bit today. So my recent ex and I have been talking over the last several weeks. Not talking like about getting back together... just, chat, like we used to. (He tried at first.) I hate to admit, he’s still the first one I want to share things with, and I enjoy hearing about what’s going on with him. He had gone out last night and we texted a couple times. Well he drops this giant wall of text on me at 3:30 this morning, telling me that he wants to start trying to meet someone, that he’s lonely emotionally. He told me this he said, out of respect and to “handle his business” before hand and so I didn’t find out another way. (He’s always said people should handle their business before moving on to someone else) Says there isn’t anyone right now but he wants to start looking. He also threw in a couple of indirect shots about not being able to live with uncertainty about losing his partner if he lost his job, and needing someone who hasn’t judged in difficult times. Said that he never lied to me (that IS a lie) or cheated, had always been by my side, and what he has to offer is in high demand. But that I had made up my mind twice and he will respect that. 

Hate to admit it but I am heartbroken. I’m not supposed to be. But I am. That was my best friend. I responded, took a shot that I didn’t appreciate a cryptic text at 3 in the morning instead of us being able to talk about it. What if I had done that to him? Called out a couple other things. But did thank him for being up front and letting me know, I know he didn’t have to and I respect that. But I am crushed and just really so sad. 

I just turned my life upside down with my job. I found and started another job on Monday (long story about the previous one!) and got another offer on Tuesday. So I have accepted the new one and quit the other on Friday! This is a work from home position working under my last supervisor, who recommended me. So I’m off this next week. I don’t do things like this! I’m way out of my comfort zone and a little panicky. Someone tell me this will be ok?? 




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## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> So I had my first meetup singles event. It was a co-ed brunch, but is normally women only the first Sunday of every month. I was one of 4 men there, with about 30 women. I was one of the youngest at 48, and I look a lot younger than my age. I would say the average age in the room was about 55-60. I got there early because it is on the south shore of where I live and I am not familiar. After I sit, I see a woman walk in who looks very familiar. I live in a very populated area of millions. Later, during the brunch I spoke to this woman and it turns out we just matched yesterday on Match. What are the odds? We had sent each other a couple of messages yesterday, but that was it. We didn't seem to hit it off.
> 
> At my table walks in a very attractive woman who looks like she's young, early 30's and she sits across from me. We had a nice conversation for about 10 minutes. She had never been married and just got out of an abusive relationship. Come to find out that she is 38. Another woman at our table who looks like she is 65ish tells me she can guess my age. I say give it a shot. She says 38-40. I tell her I'm 48. She is shocked and the attractive female gets up and moves to another table for the rest of the brunch, never to be heard from again. Was it something that I said??? People are crazy.
> 
> I ended up meeting a guy who was my age and was very cool and went through a divorce 4 years ago with young children. He seems very cool and encouraged me to do the speed dating with him. He's someone I'd hang out with and have a beer with. He knows my IHS is rough, as he did it for about a year himself.
> 
> So I guess it was mixed. I went there to meet people and I met a guy my age, lol. I'd do it again and have signed up for the bowling event in 2 weeks. I am hoping the crowd is a bit younger for the next event.


Sounds fun to me! Was there anyone there you wanted to talk to but didn’t?


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> Good luck! Hope you update us later.


Nothing to report, unfortunately. Another no go. Maybe I’m still not ready.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Not said:


> Nothing to report, unfortunately. Another no go. Maybe I’m still not ready.




You cancelled? You seemed so determined! 

I get it. 



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----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Sounds fun to me! Was there anyone there you wanted to talk to but didn’t?


I picked out the people in my age bracket (two women and one guy) and those are the ones I approached. I am not shy. A few other women talked to me. Mainly asking how I dropped 50 pounds and I felt like a spokesman for the keto diet. I gave them my attention and my thoughts, but wasn’t interested in them physically. I did win a raffle for a free registration at their next event.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> You cancelled? You seemed so determined!
> 
> I get it.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah, I cancelled. I realized I agreed to meet him only because he had put so much effort in, not out of genuine interest on my part. It would have been like a pity date and that’s not cool. I can’t seem to get interested in anyone still.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> RM, good for you for getting out there and taking a chance!
> 
> Struggling a bit today. So my recent ex and I have been talking over the last several weeks. Not talking like about getting back together... just, chat, like we used to. (He tried at first.) I hate to admit, he’s still the first one I want to share things with, and I enjoy hearing about what’s going on with him. He had gone out last night and we texted a couple times. Well he drops this giant wall of text on me at 3:30 this morning, telling me that he wants to start trying to meet someone, that he’s lonely emotionally. He told me this he said, out of respect and to “handle his business” before hand and so I didn’t find out another way. (He’s always said people should handle their business before moving on to someone else) Says there isn’t anyone right now but he wants to start looking. He also threw in a couple of indirect shots about not being able to live with uncertainty about losing his partner if he lost his job, and needing someone who hasn’t judged in difficult times. Said that he never lied to me (that IS a lie) or cheated, had always been by my side, and what he has to offer is in high demand. But that I had made up my mind twice and he will respect that.
> 
> Hate to admit it but I am heartbroken. I’m not supposed to be. But I am. That was my best friend. I responded, took a shot that I didn’t appreciate a cryptic text at 3 in the morning instead of us being able to talk about it. What if I had done that to him? Called out a couple other things. But did thank him for being up front and letting me know, I know he didn’t have to and I respect that. But I am crushed and just really so sad.
> 
> I just turned my life upside down with my job. I found and started another job on Monday (long story about the previous one!) and got another offer on Tuesday. So I have accepted the new one and quit the other on Friday! This is a work from home position working under my last supervisor, who recommended me. So I’m off this next week. I don’t do things like this! I’m way out of my comfort zone and a little panicky. Someone tell me this will be ok??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I feel you 3x. We can’t rationalize our feelings away. Even though the relationship wasn’t healthy it was still a loss and you need to go through the mourning process. 

As to your new job....is there any excitement at all? Is this the first time you’ll be working from home?


----------



## attheend02

3Xnocharm said:


> RM, good for you for getting out there and taking a chance!
> 
> Struggling a bit today. So my recent ex and I have been talking over the last several weeks. Not talking like about getting back together... just, chat, like we used to. (He tried at first.) I hate to admit, he’s still the first one I want to share things with, and I enjoy hearing about what’s going on with him. He had gone out last night and we texted a couple times. Well he drops this giant wall of text on me at 3:30 this morning, telling me that he wants to start trying to meet someone, that he’s lonely emotionally. He told me this he said, out of respect and to “handle his business” before hand and so I didn’t find out another way. (He’s always said people should handle their business before moving on to someone else) Says there isn’t anyone right now but he wants to start looking. He also threw in a couple of indirect shots about not being able to live with uncertainty about losing his partner if he lost his job, and needing someone who hasn’t judged in difficult times. Said that he never lied to me (that IS a lie) or cheated, had always been by my side, and what he has to offer is in high demand. But that I had made up my mind twice and he will respect that.
> 
> Hate to admit it but I am heartbroken. I’m not supposed to be. But I am. That was my best friend. I responded, took a shot that I didn’t appreciate a cryptic text at 3 in the morning instead of us being able to talk about it. What if I had done that to him? Called out a couple other things. But did thank him for being up front and letting me know, I know he didn’t have to and I respect that. But I am crushed and just really so sad.
> 
> I just turned my life upside down with my job. I found and started another job on Monday (long story about the previous one!) and got another offer on Tuesday. So I have accepted the new one and quit the other on Friday! This is a work from home position working under my last supervisor, who recommended me. So I’m off this next week. I don’t do things like this! I’m way out of my comfort zone and a little panicky. Someone tell me this will be ok??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Hi 3Xnocharm, I'm sorry you are going through this with your ex. I really think you should go NC. 

I'm sure your new job will be great! What are you worried about? Working for a supervisor who wants you is the best!


----------



## Faithful Wife

3Xnocharm said:


> RM, good for you for getting out there and taking a chance!
> 
> Struggling a bit today. So my recent ex and I have been talking over the last several weeks. Not talking like about getting back together... just, chat, like we used to. (He tried at first.) I hate to admit, he’s still the first one I want to share things with, and I enjoy hearing about what’s going on with him. He had gone out last night and we texted a couple times. Well he drops this giant wall of text on me at 3:30 this morning, telling me that he wants to start trying to meet someone, that he’s lonely emotionally. He told me this he said, out of respect and to “handle his business” before hand and so I didn’t find out another way. (He’s always said people should handle their business before moving on to someone else) Says there isn’t anyone right now but he wants to start looking. He also threw in a couple of indirect shots about not being able to live with uncertainty about losing his partner if he lost his job, and needing someone who hasn’t judged in difficult times. Said that he never lied to me (that IS a lie) or cheated, had always been by my side, and what he has to offer is in high demand. But that I had made up my mind twice and he will respect that.
> 
> Hate to admit it but I am heartbroken. I’m not supposed to be. But I am. That was my best friend. I responded, took a shot that I didn’t appreciate a cryptic text at 3 in the morning instead of us being able to talk about it. What if I had done that to him? Called out a couple other things. But did thank him for being up front and letting me know, I know he didn’t have to and I respect that. But I am crushed and just really so sad.
> 
> I just turned my life upside down with my job. I found and started another job on Monday (long story about the previous one!) and got another offer on Tuesday. So I have accepted the new one and quit the other on Friday! This is a work from home position working under my last supervisor, who recommended me. So I’m off this next week. I don’t do things like this! I’m way out of my comfort zone and a little panicky. Someone tell me this will be ok??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It will be ok!! Breathe, meditate, post here! We will help.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Thanks for the support guys. This will be my first time working from home, and I have no real details yet, since I just accepted Friday. I am floored by the amount of support from my supervisor, she talked up me and another coworker so much that they extended an offer with no interview! So yes I’m a little excited, I’m just always very cautious lol. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks for the support guys. This will be my first time working from home, and I have no real details yet, since I just accepted Friday. I am floored by the amount of support from my supervisor, she talked up me and another coworker so much that they extended an offer with no interview! So yes I’m a little excited, I’m just always very cautious lol.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I’m sorry your struggling tonight. I’ve had many a night where I felt like garbage. We are here for you!


----------



## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks for the support guys. This will be my first time working from home, and I have no real details yet, since I just accepted Friday. I am floored by the amount of support from my supervisor, she talked up me and another coworker so much that they extended an offer with no interview! So yes I’m a little excited, I’m just always very cautious lol.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Working from home is awesome once you're disciplined. I'm going to miss it when I find another job, if I can't find one in my field when I'm done with school. Congrats and good luck!


----------



## In Absentia

RebuildingMe said:


> I did win a raffle for a free registration at their next event.


Sounds exciting! Sorry, don't mean to tease you, but what you just described (your meet-up) is exactly what I don't want to do. I just find it a bit depressing. I think I will go for some extreme adventure... :surprise: but I need to lose 2 stones first... :laugh:


----------



## Faithful Wife

In Absentia said:


> How many of you feel that dating at 57 is just a waste of time? Just trying to look ahead when I will be single again, and, to be honest, I can't really see myself dating after 30 years of marriage and together with the same person for 35. I was 22 when we met. The thought of being with another woman is just so alien to me...


I meant to reply to this before....

No dating is not a waste of time at any age. But also, at any age, dating can be either really fun and great or it can suck. There seems to be times in dating when you are "on a roll", sort of like gambling, lol. And other times when you hit a "dry spell". But over all when considered over time, these ups and downs balance each other out.

I have dated men your age and all of them have been delightful and worthy guys (even if not a match for me). I'm sure all of them have now moved on and found good matches. The first guy I dated after my D was 56 at the time and was totally ready to be married again after being divorced for 6 years. I was absolutely not in the same place so we eventually broke up, but I know (from stalking him on FB, lol) that he has now matched up with a really great woman (stalked her too, ha!) and I'm positive they will be announcing an engagement soon. They made it Facebook official "in a relationship" last April, so now that it has been a year I expect a new announcement coming soon. I'm super happy for them both, she seems awesome from what I can see on her page.


----------



## Marduk

3Xnocharm said:


> RM, good for you for getting out there and taking a chance!
> 
> Struggling a bit today. So my recent ex and I have been talking over the last several weeks. Not talking like about getting back together... just, chat, like we used to. (He tried at first.) I hate to admit, he’s still the first one I want to share things with, and I enjoy hearing about what’s going on with him. He had gone out last night and we texted a couple times. Well he drops this giant wall of text on me at 3:30 this morning, telling me that he wants to start trying to meet someone, that he’s lonely emotionally. He told me this he said, out of respect and to “handle his business” before hand and so I didn’t find out another way. (He’s always said people should handle their business before moving on to someone else) Says there isn’t anyone right now but he wants to start looking. He also threw in a couple of indirect shots about not being able to live with uncertainty about losing his partner if he lost his job, and needing someone who hasn’t judged in difficult times. Said that he never lied to me (that IS a lie) or cheated, had always been by my side, and what he has to offer is in high demand. But that I had made up my mind twice and he will respect that.
> 
> Hate to admit it but I am heartbroken. I’m not supposed to be. But I am. That was my best friend. I responded, took a shot that I didn’t appreciate a cryptic text at 3 in the morning instead of us being able to talk about it. What if I had done that to him? Called out a couple other things. But did thank him for being up front and letting me know, I know he didn’t have to and I respect that. But I am crushed and just really so sad.
> 
> I just turned my life upside down with my job. I found and started another job on Monday (long story about the previous one!) and got another offer on Tuesday. So I have accepted the new one and quit the other on Friday! This is a work from home position working under my last supervisor, who recommended me. So I’m off this next week. I don’t do things like this! I’m way out of my comfort zone and a little panicky. Someone tell me this will be ok??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sorry it didn't work out. Sounds like it's for the best, but it sucks to go through it.


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> I meant to reply to this before....
> 
> No dating is not a waste of time at any age. But also, at any age, dating can be either really fun and great or it can suck. There seems to be times in dating when you are "on a roll", sort of like gambling, lol. And other times when you hit a "dry spell". But over all when considered over time, these ups and downs balance each other out.
> 
> I have dated men your age and all of them have been delightful and worthy guys (even if not a match for me). I'm sure all of them have now moved on and found good matches. The first guy I dated after my D was 56 at the time and was totally ready to be married again after being divorced for 6 years. I was absolutely not in the same place so we eventually broke up, but I know (from stalking him on FB, lol) that he has now matched up with a really great woman (stalked her too, ha!) and I'm positive they will be announcing an engagement soon. They made it Facebook official "in a relationship" last April, so now that it has been a year I expect a new announcement coming soon. I'm super happy for them both, she seems awesome from what I can see on her page.


Burstiness is a side effect of randomness. This is why things happen 'all at once' and then go quiet for long stretches of time - it's because uncoupled random events happen randomly, therefore they tend to batch together. It shows up in network traffic, 

There was some very interesting work by Ugo Fano, an American physicist, on burstiness, which actually is a measure of randomized distribution. It's called the "Fano factor" and measures "Fano Noise."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fano_factor

See also https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisson_point_process for some interesting math.

/math geek rant over


----------



## Faithful Wife

Marduk said:


> Burstiness is a side effect of randomness. This is why things happen 'all at once' and then go quiet for long stretches of time - it's because uncoupled random events happen randomly, therefore they tend to batch together. It shows up in network traffic,
> 
> There was some very interesting work by Ugo Fano, an American physicist, on burstiness, which actually is a measure of randomized distribution. It's called the "Fano factor" and measures "Fano Noise."
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fano_factor
> 
> See also https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisson_point_process for some interesting math.
> 
> /math geek rant over


My own geek submission: All of that you just described is scientists trying to find the math of the law of attraction (like the woo woo kind). :grin2:

Too much woo woo geek speak to go into it further than that, but I have learned how to see these patterns for myself in my own life, as our own law of attraction is at work all the time and is specific to us.

Back to regular discussion....:laugh:


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> My own geek submission: All of that you just described is scientists trying to find the math of the law of attraction (like the woo woo kind). :grin2:
> 
> Too much woo woo geek speak to go into it further than that, but I have learned how to see these patterns for myself in my own life, as our own law of attraction is at work all the time and is specific to us.
> 
> Back to regular discussion....:laugh:


Mmm... no. More like the opposite law of attraction. I didn't "get it" until one of my pure math profs explained it somewhat like the following:

'Ever go to the store and wonder why it's always busy right when you want to go to the cash register? It's because everyone behaves randomly in ways that are uncoupled from each other. In true randomness, you get 'bursts' of activity that are measurable, and themselves are random artifacts. But because of things like the pigeonhole principle and the law of averages, you are more likely to go during a bursty time than you are not - simply because most others are, too. In fact, burstiness itself is a side effect of randomness.'









This is a random distribution of dots. As you can see, there are clusters - and if you're one of the dots, you're more likely to belong to a cluster than you are not (because clusters contain more than one dot).

In other words, you don't just have good or bad luck - the math itself says that you are more likely to encounter random things together than you are likely to encounter them apart. But only when you view them in aggregate. Pick any one random event, like checking out, and it doesn't impact the likelihood of the next time you check out. But over time it generally forms a gaussian-like distribution (like a bell curve).









I once tried to relate it to gravity for a physics paper, thinking that it could explain gravity by a tendency for random events to cluster. Even a lot of mushrooms couldn't make that math work.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I get it. Math and science want to figure out how it all works and have formulas to show it. 

But - - what if there are infinite parallel universes all intersecting, and in some of those universes, math is not the same as it is in this universe (as would have to be true because all things are possible and exist in that model). Just like, in one of those universes, the bible version of heaven and hell are true. And in others of those universes, fairies and monsters roam whatever physical dimensions exist.

Don't worry! I don't expect to be taken seriously.

PS...we can take this to PM's so as not to threadjack, and so that I don't get hammered by people who think I'm ignorant. lolz


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> I get it. Math and science want to figure out how it all works and have formulas to show it.
> 
> But - - what if there are infinite parallel universes all intersecting, and in some of those universes, math is not the same as it is in this universe (as would have to be true because all things are possible and exist in that model). Just like, in one of those universes, the bible version of heaven and hell are true. And in others of those universes, fairies and monsters roam whatever physical dimensions exist.
> 
> Don't worry! I don't expect to be taken seriously.


This might literally be true - this is essentially the multiverse theory that solves quantum mechanics via brute force - meaning, every time a quantum event like a superposition collapse or decoherence results in multiple universes being spawned - one for each answer. Quantum computers therefore would work by having each qbit exist in an infinite amount of universes, therefore solving certain problem sets infinitely fast. It also resolves the dual slit problem, where photons appear to interfere with themselves through time. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double-slit_experiment). 

Now, it's more than likely not true (it's very anti-parsimonious), but it is fun to think about.

Now, the math would be the same in all those universes, but the laws of physics might not be. They all essentially 'froze out' probably randomly after the big bang, and could have been very different. There's a cool book on it if you're interested: https://www.amazon.ca/Just-Six-Numbers-Forces-Universe/dp/0465036732

Interestingly, you might ask why our universe appears to be 'tuned' for us to exist within it, and an answer might be related to what we're discussing above with the cash register metaphor: we exist in a universe tuned for us to exist within it, because if it wasn't, we wouldn't be here to navel gaze about it. Since we are, the universe must therefore be friendly to intelligent life. Probably lots of it, because again, burstiness is a thing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthropic_principle

To make up reasons why this isn't a threadjack: this means you're probably not gonna meet someone for long stretches of time and have dry spells. Then you're gonna meet several 'someone's' and might have to pick between them. And then if you break up, you're probably gonna find yourself in another dry spell. This is normal and to be expected and just a side effect of how the universe works. Nobody's ganging up on you.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Okee doke. I don't want to engage when there is no actual engagement, just a "it can only be this" answer from you to me. But it's irrelevant to the thread anyway! Cheers.


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> Okee doke. I don't want to engage when there is no actual engagement, just a "it can only be this" answer from you to me. But it's irrelevant to the thread anyway! Cheers.


huh? we weren't engaging?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Question for the women, if I like someone on OLD, then they read my profile and like me back, why not just send a message? Also, after a mutual match, I send a message they don’t reply? Why is this? What was the point of liking my profile just not to respond?

Final question. If there is a mutual match and an initial message exchange, is it proper for me to ask the person if they want to talk over the phone right away? I hate the texts back and forth, especially using the OLD platform.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Question for the women, if I like someone on OLD, then they read my profile and like me back, why not just send a message? Also, after a mutual match, I send a message they don’t reply? Why is this? What was the point of liking my profile just not to respond?
> 
> Final question. If there is a mutual match and an initial message exchange, is it proper for me to ask the person if they want to talk over the phone right away? I hate the texts back and forth, especially using the OLD platform.


Why match and don't respond or message....I don't know how to explain this, but one day it will happen to you too. Where you match but you don't reply to their message. Usually it means you/they are talking to other people, or were only kind of into the match but not enough to engage. Sometimes it just means we are fickle and one day we thought you/we were a match and then next day we don't. Again, you will find yourself doing this some day.

When you match and exchange messages...some people like to talk right away, some don't. There is no harm in asking.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Why match and don't respond or message....I don't know how to explain this, but one day it will happen to you too. Where you match but you don't reply to their message. Usually it means you/they are talking to other people, or were only kind of into the match but not enough to engage. Sometimes it just means we are fickle and one day we thought you/we were a match and then next day we don't. Again, you will find yourself doing this some day.
> 
> When you match and exchange messages...some people like to talk right away, some don't. There is no harm in asking.


Thank you! Match one day but not the next, OLD is one special kind of crazy, lol


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why match and don't respond or message....I don't know how to explain this, but one day it will happen to you too. Where you match but you don't reply to their message. Usually it means you/they are talking to other people, or were only kind of into the match but not enough to engage. Sometimes it just means we are fickle and one day we thought you/we were a match and then next day we don't. Again, you will find yourself doing this some day.
> 
> When you match and exchange messages...some people like to talk right away, some don't. There is no harm in asking.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you! Match one day but not the next, OLD is one special kind of crazy, lol
Click to expand...

It’s just the way things are and like I said, you will find yourself doing it too one day.

If I have only matched with one person, I’m going to be more focused on that person and likely to message them. But if I’m matching with 2 dozen people, my tendency will be to only message those I feel more drawn toward. It will seem like a waste of time to message with all of them as I can’t possibly make time to meet them all in person.

What I have done is that when I match with anyone, I immediately assume they are talking to lots of people and that they may or may not ever message me. If they message sporadically and then disappear, I just wish them well and assume they are now talking to someone who they feel is a better match for them.


----------



## wilson

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you! Match one day but not the next, OLD is one special kind of crazy, lol


One possibility is that the other person liked many profiles to see who would respond. You're not always going to get a reply to every contact, so it might make sense to like a handful of profiles at once knowing that not all of them will respond. Then based on whatever replies come back, proceed from there.


----------



## RebuildingMe

RebuildingMe said:


> Some I’m starting to get the lingo for online dating:
> 
> -self employed or entrepreneur means no job
> -some college means barely a HS diploma or maybe a GED
> -have kids and they live at home means I can’t get free time to go on a date
> -if a 25 year old hot female likes me but lives in another country or 3000 miles away, she’s a cam girl that wants money


Adding to the list:

-smokes occasionally means chain smoker
-trying to quit means they’ve cut down to a pack a day
-weight (this is where I get blasted from the women):
A) about average means 20-40lbs over weight
B) curvy is another way of saying obese
C) a few extra pounds means I should have seen a cardiologist 5 years ago, and things have spun out of control


----------



## RebuildingMe

wilson said:


> One possibility is that the other person liked many profiles to see who would respond. You're not always going to get a reply to every contact, so it might make sense to like a handful of profiles at once knowing that not all of them will respond. Then based on whatever replies come back, proceed from there.


Yes, I’ve already deployed that strategy. I like a bunch at once, knowing the the law of numbers.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> Some I’m starting to get the lingo for online dating:
> 
> -self employed or entrepreneur means no job
> -some college means barely a HS diploma or maybe a GED
> -have kids and they live at home means I can’t get free time to go on a date
> -if a 25 year old hot female likes me but lives in another country or 3000 miles away, she’s a cam girl that wants money
> 
> 
> 
> Adding to the list:
> 
> -smokes occasionally means chain smoker
> -trying to quit means they’ve cut down to a pack a day
> -weight (this is where I get blasted from the women):
> A) about average means 20-40lbs over weight
> B) curvy is another way of saying obese
> C) a few extra pounds means I should have seen a cardiologist 5 years ago, and this have spun out of control
Click to expand...

I would say all of those apply to men too.

Adding for men’s profiles:

Whatever height they have listed is actually 1-2 inches taller than they actually are.

Exception being if they are 6’2 or taller. In those cases it is more likely to be accurate or only 1 inch of an exaggeration.

Not listing their height at all usually means they are 5’7 or under. Or sometimes it means they honestly don’t know that women care about height and they may actually be tall-ish. Some men lose out on swipes for not listing their height because some women (myself included) won’t take the chance that they may be shorter than us.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> I would say all of those apply to men too.
> 
> Adding for men’s profiles:
> 
> Whatever height they have listed is actually 1-2 inches taller than they actually are.
> 
> Exception being if they are 6’2 or taller. In those cases it is more likely to be accurate or only 1 inch of an exaggeration.
> 
> Not listing their height at all usually means they are 5’7 or under. Or sometimes it means they honestly don’t know that women care about height and they may actually be tall-ish. Some men lose out on swipes for not listing their height because some women (myself included) won’t take the chance that they may be shorter than us.


Oh, I’m sure they are equal on both sides of the gender isle! I’m just not looking at men’s profiles.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> I would say all of those apply to men too.
> 
> Adding for men’s profiles:
> 
> Whatever height they have listed is actually 1-2 inches taller than they actually are.
> 
> Exception being if they are 6’2 or taller. In those cases it is more likely to be accurate or only 1 inch of an exaggeration.
> 
> Not listing their height at all usually means they are 5’7 or under. Or sometimes it means they honestly don’t know that women care about height and they may actually be tall-ish. Some men lose out on swipes for not listing their height because some women (myself included) won’t take the chance that they may be shorter than us.


I’ve seen height requirements on quite a few profiles. It appears at 5’10”, I just slip in the door.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I would say all of those apply to men too.
> 
> Adding for men’s profiles:
> 
> Whatever height they have listed is actually 1-2 inches taller than they actually are.
> 
> Exception being if they are 6’2 or taller. In those cases it is more likely to be accurate or only 1 inch of an exaggeration.
> 
> Not listing their height at all usually means they are 5’7 or under. Or sometimes it means they honestly don’t know that women care about height and they may actually be tall-ish. Some men lose out on swipes for not listing their height because some women (myself included) won’t take the chance that they may be shorter than us.
> 
> 
> 
> I’ve seen height requirements on quite a few profiles. It appears at 5’10”, I just slip in the door.
Click to expand...

I find the height requirement fascinating. At 5'2" just about anyone I'll date is taller than me so I've never had height requirement for a man on my radar. So, women list height requirements. Do men list breast size requirements?


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Question for the women, if I like someone on OLD, then they read my profile and like me back, why not just send a message? Also, after a mutual match, I send a message they don’t reply? Why is this? What was the point of liking my profile just not to respond?
> 
> Final question. If there is a mutual match and an initial message exchange, is it proper for me to ask the person if they want to talk over the phone right away? I hate the texts back and forth, especially using the OLD platform.


Re: talking on the phone. That's what I prefer and I can't be the only women who does. I would definitely ask if they'd like to talk on the phone.

I don't use the meet me feature but I do look at all the men who want to meet me. That's part of how I browse.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Livvie said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I would say all of those apply to men too.
> 
> Adding for men’s profiles:
> 
> Whatever height they have listed is actually 1-2 inches taller than they actually are.
> 
> Exception being if they are 6’2 or taller. In those cases it is more likely to be accurate or only 1 inch of an exaggeration.
> 
> Not listing their height at all usually means they are 5’7 or under. Or sometimes it means they honestly don’t know that women care about height and they may actually be tall-ish. Some men lose out on swipes for not listing their height because some women (myself included) won’t take the chance that they may be shorter than us.
> 
> 
> 
> I’ve seen height requirements on quite a few profiles. It appears at 5’10”, I just slip in the door.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I find the height requirement fascinating. At 5'2" just about anyone I'll date is taller than me so I've never had height requirement for a man on my radar. So, women list height requirements. Do men list breast size requirements?
Click to expand...

I have not seen breast size requirements but have certainly seen size requirements. Such as “fit and toned” or “thin” only, everyone else move along. 

I have seen a few men who have a boob fetish talking about boobs and boob size. Not very many though. And have also seen very tall men say they want a tall woman. Which cuts me out but I feel is totally fair.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Adding to the list:
> 
> -smokes occasionally means chain smoker
> -trying to quit means they’ve cut down to a pack a day
> -weight (this is where I get blasted from the women):
> A) about average means 20-40lbs over weight
> B) curvy is another way of saying obese
> C) a few extra pounds means I should have seen a cardiologist 5 years ago, and things have spun out of control


-I vape but there is no option to show that I do so I use "smokes occasionally".
-
-weight
A)I describe myself as average but I look athletic in my clothes. (See my pic on my profile here)
B)I've also described myself as curvy because in person I'm a lot curvier than I look in my pics.
C)I most definitely have a few extra pounds, about 20 to be exact, that I could stand to lose. I'm 
a lot heavier than I look in my pics. I look about 140 but weigh 180. I'm tall though.

I try to be as honest as possible. When I'm texting with someone and they mention my athletic build I correct them and remind them I stated average build on my profile and I meant it. Just be sure to give some ladies credit. Some are lying for sure but not all of them.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> -smokes occasionally means chain smoker
> -trying to quit means they’ve cut down to a pack a day
> -weight (this is where I get blasted from the women):
> A) about average means 20-40lbs over weight
> B) curvy is another way of saying obese
> C) a few extra pounds means I should have seen a cardiologist 5 years ago, and things have spun out of control


That's interesting. When I was doing OLD, I described myself as curvy. I'm overweight but not what would be considered obese. If I ever jump back in the shark tank, I'll select average for the win.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> I have not seen breast size requirements but have certainly seen size requirements. Such as “fit and toned” or “thin” only, everyone else move along.
> 
> I have seen a few men who have a boob fetish talking about boobs and boob size. Not very many though. And have also seen very tall men say they want a tall woman. Which cuts me out but I feel is totally fair.


I've also seen "no fatties" but then again, I've heard men say some women's profiles say "no shorties".


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> That's interesting. When I was doing OLD, I described myself as curvy. I'm overweight but not what would be considered obese. If I ever jump back in the shark tank, I'll select average for the win.


I think you should use curvy still, because technically you are full of curves, and IMO you have an ABOVE average bod.

Also by your pictures, it will be obvious that you have dangerous curves.

I think the pictures tell all anyway, as long as they are recent. No one is going to pass you over for what you described yourself as, in fact they won't actually even care, they only care about the pictures.

It sounds so shallow to say this, but I only care about the pictures, too. Even then, pics can be deceiving.

One thing that is a little hard to gauge is extremely thin men. In pictures they can appear to be muscular and most times will describe themselves as fit. When meeting in person, a lot of these men are smaller than I am (even if a lot taller) and I can't get into that. 

I've gotten really good at sleuthing this out via pics recently though. Generally speaking, if they have a smallish neck versus a thicker one, they tend to be too thin for me.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> I've also seen "no fatties" but then again, I've heard men say some women's profiles say "no shorties".


Even though I do have a height requirement, I never say so on my profile.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I don't actually fill out the part that describes my body except my height. I just let my pics speak for themselves. The sometimes problem with this is that I am thicker and more muscly than can be determined from my pics, so that's how I sometimes end up meeting men who are too thin (or rather, not thick enough) for me.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> I think you should use curvy still, because technically you are full of curves, and IMO you have an ABOVE average bod.
> 
> Also by your pictures, it will be obvious that you have dangerous curves.
> 
> I think the pictures tell all anyway, as long as they are recent. No one is going to pass you over for what you described yourself as, in fact they won't actually even care, they only care about the pictures.
> 
> It sounds so shallow to say this, but I only care about the pictures, too. Even then, pics can be deceiving.
> 
> One thing that is a little hard to gauge is extremely thin men. In pictures they can appear to be muscular and most times will describe themselves as fit. When meeting in person, a lot of these men are smaller than I am (even if a lot taller) and I can't get into that.
> 
> I've gotten really good at sleuthing this out via pics recently though. Generally speaking, if they have a smallish neck versus a thicker one, they tend to be too thin for me.


 @Faithful Wife, you are great for my ego! 

I do agree that it's all about the pics. I never filtered for body type and used the pics instead. One of the guys I was absolutely smitten with classified himself as overweight which technically is correct but he was a 6'5 powerlifter. Man could ragdoll my "curvy" ass all over the house lol. I soooo wanted him to like my profile but he was looking for women over 5'10. I'm 5'4


----------



## bkyln309

Faithful Wife said:


> Even though I do have a height requirement, I never say so on my profile.


I have a weight requirement. My ex was morbidly obese and I am into fitness. He gained over 100 pounds. 380 at 5'9. It was a major strain in our marriage. I will never date an out of shape man again. 


I always put average on my profile even though I am not overweight and quite fit and toned. I was surprised that some single gfs put average when they were clearly larger. It became a discussion in our singles group as the women considered themselves average and the men said the same women were overweight or obese. I think its best to post full body pics so there are no surprises since your idea of average may be obese to someone else.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> -I vape but there is no option to show that I do so I use "smokes occasionally".
> -
> -weight
> A)I describe myself as average but I look athletic in my clothes. (See my pic on my profile here)
> B)I've also described myself as curvy because in person I'm a lot curvier than I look in my pics.
> C)I most definitely have a few extra pounds, about 20 to be exact, that I could stand to lose. I'm
> a lot heavier than I look in my pics. I look about 140 but weigh 180. I'm tall though.
> 
> I try to be as honest as possible. When I'm texting with someone and they mention my athletic build I correct them and remind them I stated average build on my profile and I meant it. Just be sure to give some ladies credit. Some are lying for sure but not all of them.


 @Not. Kick ass look in that pic! You've described yourself perfectly.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> @Faithful Wife, you are great for my ego!
> 
> I do agree that it's all about the pics. I never filtered for body type and used the pics instead. One of the guys I was absolutely smitten with classified himself as overweight which technically is correct but he was a 6'5 powerlifter. Man could ragdoll my "curvy" ass all over the house lol. I soooo wanted him to like my profile but he was looking for women over 5'10. I'm 5'4


Yeah I have been rejected by some of the 6'5" hulks for being too short, too. It's a bummer, but hey, can't blame them as they likely know what body types fit best with their own.


----------



## Lila

Here's my update. It's a little different but I have a visitor staying at my house for the next 2 months. He's young, super handsome, and very very sweet..............


He's also got 4 legs and likes to chase squirrels lol. I forgot how nice it was to have a dog in the house. I may run away with him.


----------



## Faithful Wife

bkyln309 said:


> I have a weight requirement. My ex was morbidly obese and I am into fitness. He gained over 100 pounds. 380 at 5'9. It was a major strain in our marriage. I will never date an out of shape man again.
> 
> 
> I always put average on my profile even though I am not overweight and quite fit and toned. I was surprised that some single gfs put average when they were clearly larger. It became a discussion in our singles group as the women considered themselves average and the men said the same women were overweight or obese. I think its best to post full body pics so there are no surprises since your idea of average may be obese to someone else.


Yeah that is why I don't use the descriptors. They aren't always interpreted the same by different people. 

And a guy may describe himself as fit, and he really IS fit, such as a runner. But even if that guy is 6'3", his thighs may be smaller than mine. I just can't do that. Need some leg meat.

I have thighs like an ice skater even though the rest of me is somewhat petite. This is not obvious in my pics. So I have to sort of try to suss that out by his pics. If I could I would just ask them to measure their thigh thickness and send me that, it would be easier.

Thick thighs save lives!!!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> Here's my update. It's a little different but I have a visitor staying at my house for the next 2 months. He's young, super handsome, and very very sweet..............
> 
> 
> He's also got 4 legs and likes to chase squirrels lol. I forgot how nice it was to have a dog in the house. I may run away with him.


Pictures please!!!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

I had no idea people can post pictures of themselves. I’m game. How do I do this and where do I find them?


----------



## RebuildingMe

I love @Marduk, but I’m glad we are off the circles he was posting. I thought it was an astronomy class.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> Pictures please!!!!


I added his pic to my profile. You should be able to see it.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> I had no idea people can post pictures of themselves. I’m game. How do I do this and where do I find them?


You mean here at TAM? You can create an album in your profile, or you can drop a pic into a post. That's how some of us have been showing profiles of other people here on this thread, they are screen shots dropped as an attachment.

The albums in profiles are difficult to do from your phone, I have found. But a tablet or desktop, much easier.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> I added his pic to my profile. You should be able to see it.


Awwww isn't he adorable?!?!


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I had no idea people can post pictures of themselves. I’m game. How do I do this and where do I find them?



You can't add pics using the enhanced mobile for TAM. You have to exit the enhanced mobile setting and then go to you your user CP. Create an album, set the privacy settings, and upload photos. If you don't care who sees your pics, set your privacy to public. If you'd rather limit who sees your pics to those you give permission to, then set it to private and add those people you want to see your pics to your contacts list.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> Awwww isn't he adorable?!?!


He's a sweetie pie and so very calm. He adores my son.


----------



## wilson

Lila said:


> He's also got 4 legs and likes to chase squirrels lol. I forgot how nice it was to have a dog in the house. I may run away with him.


As this is the singles thread, keep in mind that hanging out at the dog park is a great way to meet a fellow dog lover.


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> Adding to the list:
> 
> -smokes occasionally means chain smoker
> -trying to quit means they’ve cut down to a pack a day
> -weight (this is where I get blasted from the women):
> A) about average means 20-40lbs over weight
> B) curvy is another way of saying obese
> C) a few extra pounds means I should have seen a cardiologist 5 years ago, and things have spun out of control



Man.. you seem pretty critical and negative. People are people.


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> -I vape but there is no option to show that I do so I use "smokes occasionally".
> -
> -weight
> A)I describe myself as average but I look athletic in my clothes. (*See my pic on my profile here)*
> B)I've also described myself as curvy because in person I'm a lot curvier than I look in my pics.
> C)I most definitely have a few extra pounds, about 20 to be exact, that I could stand to lose. I'm
> a lot heavier than I look in my pics. I look about 140 but weigh 180. I'm tall though.
> 
> I try to be as honest as possible. When I'm texting with someone and they mention my athletic build I correct them and remind them I stated average build on my profile and I meant it. Just be sure to give some ladies credit. Some are lying for sure but not all of them.


 I wouldn't consider you tomboyish.


----------



## RebuildingMe

attheend02 said:


> Man.. you seem pretty critical and negative. People are people.


You’re taking it out of context. It’s meant to be a humerus post about someone new to OLD. I am actually pretty kind and compassionate IRL.


----------



## FeministInPink

3Xnocharm said:


> RM, good for you for getting out there and taking a chance!
> 
> Struggling a bit today. So my recent ex and I have been talking over the last several weeks. Not talking like about getting back together... just, chat, like we used to. (He tried at first.) I hate to admit, he’s still the first one I want to share things with, and I enjoy hearing about what’s going on with him. He had gone out last night and we texted a couple times. Well he drops this giant wall of text on me at 3:30 this morning, telling me that he wants to start trying to meet someone, that he’s lonely emotionally. He told me this he said, out of respect and to “handle his business” before hand and so I didn’t find out another way. (He’s always said people should handle their business before moving on to someone else) Says there isn’t anyone right now but he wants to start looking. He also threw in a couple of indirect shots about not being able to live with uncertainty about losing his partner if he lost his job, and needing someone who hasn’t judged in difficult times. Said that he never lied to me (that IS a lie) or cheated, had always been by my side, and what he has to offer is in high demand. But that I had made up my mind twice and he will respect that.
> 
> Hate to admit it but I am heartbroken. I’m not supposed to be. But I am. That was my best friend. I responded, took a shot that I didn’t appreciate a cryptic text at 3 in the morning instead of us being able to talk about it. What if I had done that to him? Called out a couple other things. But did thank him for being up front and letting me know, I know he didn’t have to and I respect that. But I am crushed and just really so sad.
> 
> I just turned my life upside down with my job. I found and started another job on Monday (long story about the previous one!) and got another offer on Tuesday. So I have accepted the new one and quit the other on Friday! This is a work from home position working under my last supervisor, who recommended me. So I’m off this next week. I don’t do things like this! I’m way out of my comfort zone and a little panicky. Someone tell me this will be ok??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Your ex can go F himself, that text was a crappy thing to do. He's trying to hurt you. He wants to make you jealous that he's decided he wants to meet someone new, AND he's negging you bu saying he really needs someone who will stand my him and have confidence in him, blah blah blah (implying that you were the bad partner, not him).

What a tool! You are so better off without his punk ass.

Rock on with the new job, I hope it works out well for you! 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> He's a sweetie pie and so very calm. He adores my son.




Please post a pic in the thread. I can’t see from Tapatalk. So happy for you! 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Question for the women, if I like someone on OLD, then they read my profile and like me back, why not just send a message? Also, after a mutual match, I send a message they don’t reply? Why is this? What was the point of liking my profile just not to respond?
> 
> Final question. If there is a mutual match and an initial message exchange, is it proper for me to ask the person if they want to talk over the phone right away? I hate the texts back and forth, especially using the OLD platform.





Faithful Wife said:


> Why match and don't respond or message....I don't know how to explain this, but one day it will happen to you too. Where you match but you don't reply to their message. Usually it means you/they are talking to other people, or were only kind of into the match but not enough to engage. Sometimes it just means we are fickle and one day we thought you/we were a match and then next day we don't. Again, you will find yourself doing this some day.
> 
> When you match and exchange messages...some people like to talk right away, some don't. There is no harm in asking.


I will also add that I frequently don't message because a) a lot of guys will "swipe right" on literally every profile just to see how many matches they can get, so I'm not going to waste my time; b) I clearly state on my profile that I expect a man to have the initiative to message first.

I would say that out of every 10 messages I send, 8-9 don't respond. It's bad enough that I don't really bother anymore.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Hiner112

Well, I might be single. The judge said that we would be officially divorced as soon as he signed the paperwork and he didn't see anything in our agreement that would prevent that. We'll get the official copies in the mail within two weeks.

Once I have the official copy I think I only have two things on my to do list. Sending the QDRO to Vanguard and the Release of Liability to the VA. I can finally see the finish line, I think (sort of). We'll be co-parenting regularly for quite some time since the kids are still only in middle school though.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Question for the women, if I like someone on OLD, then they read my profile and like me back, why not just send a message? Also, after a mutual match, I send a message they don’t reply? Why is this? What was the point of liking my profile just not to respond?
> 
> Final question. If there is a mutual match and an initial message exchange, is it proper for me to ask the person if they want to talk over the phone right away? I hate the texts back and forth, especially using the OLD platform.


Some women, like myself like the man to make the first move. "Liking" you back shows your interest is welcome. I know both men and women are "liking" everyone that catches their eye. There were a few men I liked first, we were a match, and there was never a conversation. There were also hundreds of men I skipped over for many reasons: interest in hookups, non-monogamy, DISGUSTING intros, to name a few. So, waiting for him to message first was another test to see if a man is really interested in dating, or looking for an easy lay. Plus, I was married to a man who waited for me to do everything first, and I refuse to deal with that crap again, so that's my way to weed anyone the least bit similar out.

Now if they don't reply after a mutual match, that's just rude and inexcusable. Presumably, you've both read each other's profiles, after already finding each other attractive enough in the first place. I'm assuming you don't send any weird messages, cause that's the only other reason to ignore you. :grin2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Some women, like myself like the man to make the first move. "Liking" you back shows your interest is welcome. I know both men and women are "liking" everyone that catches their eye. There were a few men I liked first, we were a match, and there was never a conversation. There were also hundreds of men I skipped over for many reasons: interest in hookups, non-monogamy, DISGUSTING intros, to name a few. So, waiting for him to message first was another test to see if a man is really interested in dating, or looking for an easy lay. Plus, I was married to a man who waited for me to do everything first, and I refuse to deal with that crap again, so that's my way to weed anyone the least bit similar out.
> 
> Now if they don't reply after a mutual match, that's just rude and inexcusable. Presumably, you've both read each other's profiles, after already finding each other attractive enough in the first place. I'm assuming you don't send any weird messages, cause that's the only other reason to ignore you. :grin2:


The only weird thing I can think of was asking someone if they wanted to talk on the phone. But I asked that here and no one thought it was weird or inappropriate. I do know that I haven’t really given OLD much of a chance, but today I ramped it up and got some activity. Trial and error I suppose...

I noticed that the time and effort I put on OLD today did take my mind off of stbx and her dubious activities, lol.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I am going out on a date tomorrow night. She’s someone I’ve been speaking to for a while now. We met up once for about an hour. She has some more free time tomorrow so we’ll see what happens. I’m looking forward to getting out with a woman, no kids for hopefully a fun night and a few drinks.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> I am going out on a date tomorrow night. She’s someone I’ve been speaking to for a while now. We met up once for about an hour. She has some more free time tomorrow so we’ll see what happens. I’m looking forward to getting out with a woman, no kids for hopefully a fun night and a few drinks.


Good luck! I found that I always looked at dates like this. Just a night doing something different with another adult. No expectations. If something sparked up, then a nice surprise but if not, no let down.


----------



## Cynthia

FeministInPink said:


> Your ex can go F himself, that text was a crappy thing to do. He's trying to hurt you. He wants to make you jealous that he's decided he wants to meet someone new, AND he's negging you bu saying he really needs someone who will stand my him and have confidence in him, blah blah blah (implying that you were the bad partner, not him).
> 
> What a tool! You are so better off without his punk ass.
> 
> Rock on with the new job, I hope it works out well for you!


I think this is a good assessment of the situation.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> The only weird thing I can think of was asking someone if they wanted to talk on the phone. But I asked that here and no one thought it was weird or inappropriate. I do know that I haven’t really given OLD much of a chance, but today I ramped it up and got some activity. Trial and error I suppose...
> 
> I noticed that the time and effort I put on OLD today did take my mind off of stbx and her dubious activities, lol.


So you have this point of reference now...the same way you are using OLD as a distraction from some unpleasant aspects of your life, you should assume a large percentage of others you are matching with are doing the same. 

Swiping just to swipe is a thing. I have hopped on and off OLD dozens of times. Sometimes I would say to myself, swiping is getting me no where. I’ll just shut my profile down and wait for a bit and then get back on later and see if I match with anyone who seems amazing.

So I shut down my profiles for a week. Then I get bored and want a distraction from my life. I do have friends and other ways I could get social interaction (and I do still maintain frequent social visits with friends and family). But bottom line is - as an HD person - I want to have a sex life. So eventually my desire for one wins out over my desire to stop going on dates that don’t lead anywhere.

No matter how long it takes, I will be seeking a sex life. I have finally accepted that about myself and just know that although I can go months or even a year or more at a time without sex, I will always be seeking it and will eventually find my way to a lover. I can go without to readjust. But I will not go forever.

Whether it is a week or month or year, I will eventually get back on the apps. I will swipe through and right swipe some. If there is an instant match I will check them out further and decide if I want to message them or not.

After half an hour of swiping, I may decide that it’s all the same people and close down my profile again. I think when that happens, anyone I may have right swiped before I shut down the profile will see the match. Then it will look to them like I disappeared as soon as we matched. Or some other flakiness.

I don’t worry about any of their feelings at that point, at least as far as someone I just matched but never spoke to. I just do what’s best for me and try to stay positive.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> The only weird thing I can think of was asking someone if they wanted to talk on the phone. But I asked that here and no one thought it was weird or inappropriate. I do know that I haven’t really given OLD much of a chance, but today I ramped it up and got some activity. Trial and error I suppose...
> 
> I noticed that the time and effort I put on OLD today did take my mind off of stbx and her dubious activities, lol.


I don't think wanting to chat on the phone is weird at all. You can get a feeling sometimes if you'll have chemistry just talking. Besides, you don't want to bust out laughing if someone sounds like Mickey/Minnie mouse and have to leave.:grin2: That would be too upsetting for the person. 

Have fun with it! I really hate the part when you know you like each other, but you're not sure what you are yet. It's driving me nuts.


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> The only weird thing I can think of was asking someone if they wanted to talk on the phone. But I asked that here and no one thought it was weird or inappropriate. I do know that I haven’t really given OLD much of a chance, but today I ramped it up and got some activity. Trial and error I suppose...
> 
> I noticed that the time and effort I put on OLD today did take my mind off of stbx and her dubious activities, lol.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think wanting to chat on the phone is weird at all. You can get a feeling sometimes if you'll have chemistry just talking. Besides, you don't want to bust out laughing if someone sounds like Mickey/Minnie mouse and have to leave.<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a> That would be too upsetting for the person.
> 
> Have fun with it! I really hate the part when you know you like each other, but you're not sure what you are yet. It's driving me nuts.
Click to expand...

Omg, I had this experience once! A guy I was talking to via messaging through ok Cupid wanted to talk on the phone right before our first date.

I dislike talking on the phone but I forced myself through as I always do if they want to talk. His voice was some kind of cartoon! I was shocked! It turned me off immediately!

Unfortunately I ignored this cue and met him anyway. He became an unhealthy rebound, as I was unhealthy (or rather, unhealed) at that time. I finally booted him and began to grow and heal after that. 

Thereafter I always paid attention to how a mans voice struck me. If it made me repel, I had to listen to my gut on that. It meant we are not a match.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> I added his pic to my profile. You should be able to see it.


I can't see it...


----------



## In Absentia

Faithful Wife said:


> I meant to reply to this before....
> 
> I have dated men your age and all of them have been delightful and worthy guys (even if not a match for me). I'm sure all of them have now moved on and found good matches. The first guy I dated after my D was 56 at the time and was totally ready to be married again after being divorced for 6 years.


Well, that's encouraging... thank you for sharing this...


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> I can't see it...


You should be able to now.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> You should be able to now.


Thanks! He is lovely... I have a lab-retriever right now after my adorable springador left us for the bridge 5 years ago... he had a tumor and it has been one of the most difficult thing I had to go through in my life.


----------



## Not

I rarely dream but I did last night. It was like looking at a picture. No movement at all. It was an image of B superimposed with my ex H. Weirdest thing to see. It was clearly both of them but as one person. My mind apparently isn’t done with my relationship issues.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> I rarely dream but I did last night. It was like looking at a picture. No movement at all. It was an image of B superimposed with my ex H. Weirdest thing to see. It was clearly both of them but as one person. My mind apparently isn’t done with my relationship issues.


I think everyone dreams but most don’t remember them unless your subconscious mind brings it out the next morning. Most dreams make no sense. Although they’re highly paid people that will try to convince you otherwise, don’t dwell on it all that much.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Okay, new question:
Day old match, two messages back and forth. I ask to text/talk offline and she just wants to meet face to face. Normal? I have no info on her other than what’s on her profile. She’s seems to be an OLD veteran and knows exactly what she wants. 

Also, I am finding out that juggling multiple conversations with multiple women is hard, confusing and time consuming (in a good way). 😀


----------



## 3Xnocharm

That’s normal, especially if she is a veteran of the sites like you say. The sooner you meet the better, because then you don’t waste so much time on someone you don’t click with in real life. She has learned this, obviously lol!




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Okay, new question:
> Day old match, two messages back and forth. I ask to text/talk offline and she just wants to meet face to face. Normal? I have no info on her other than what’s on her profile. She’s seems to be an OLD veteran and knows exactly what she wants.
> 
> Also, I am finding out that juggling multiple conversations with multiple women is hard, confusing and time consuming (in a good way). 😀


Some want to meet right away rather than message or talk on the phone. I actually prefer to message more than twice before meeting because I want to ask additional questions and make sure we are on the same page. Especially with regard to what they are looking for. I don’t meet people at all if they don’t tell me they are looking for the same thing I am. Also sometimes in messaging they will say something that raises a red flag. Two messages isn’t enough for me to suss that stuff out.

But I’m looking for something very specific so if I wasn’t and I just wanted to meet people and see how it goes the messaging first wouldn’t matter as much.

I’ve learned that without messaging a bit more and meeting right away I have hit more dead ends that way so I never do that anymore. 

Still there’s no real harm in it, just because it was a dead end date didn’t mean it was a bad date.


----------



## Marduk

RebuildingMe said:


> I love @Marduk, but I’m glad we are off the circles he was posting. I thought it was an astronomy class.


Sorry, my bad.

The entirety of my point was that it's just a side effect of existence that you're going to have dry spells, and then a bunch of interest. It may have everything or nothing at all to do with anything you're doing, and to be expected.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Okay, new question:
> Day old match, two messages back and forth. I ask to text/talk offline and she just wants to meet face to face. Normal? I have no info on her other than what’s on her profile. She’s seems to be an OLD veteran and knows exactly what she wants.
> 
> Also, I am finding out that juggling multiple conversations with multiple women is hard, confusing and time consuming (in a good way). 😀


Meeting right away is exactly what I prefer. Face to face interaction is where the rubber hits the road for me.


----------



## curious2

I prefer to meet right away because several times I spent too much time talking and clicking then felt really bad when we met and I wasn’t physically attracted.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So this one who wanted to meet right away is set up for a Friday lunch. Looking forward to tonight’s date, we’ve been texting all day. I really do now know how time consuming this all is. I would have preferred my stbx waited until after I was out of the house, but she has set the ball in motion and there is no coming back. I am happy that she did, because I will say the attention, conversation and dates to look forward to has been very therapeutic for me. Not that I need anyone else to fill a void, it’s just nice to know that I’m still interesting enough that others would want to meet me and spend time with me.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> So this one who wanted to meet right away is set up for a Friday lunch. Looking forward to tonight’s date, we’ve been texting all day. I really do now know how time consuming this all is. I would have preferred my stbx waited until after I was out of the house, but she has set the ball in motion and there is no coming back. I am happy that she did, because I will say the attention, conversation and dates to look forward to has been very therapeutic for me. Not that I need anyone else to fill a void, it’s just nice to know that I’m still interesting enough that others would want to meet me and spend time with me.


See, it's fun, right?? This is why I don't quite get why people are so down on OLD. It is whatever you make of it. It may be full of weirdos and creepos, but it is also full of really cool and fun people. When people call it a cesspool, I just feel insulted. People are people wherever you go. I don't think there are more weirdos and creepos on OLD than there are in any given public group.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> So this one who wanted to meet right away is set up for a Friday lunch. Looking forward to tonight’s date, we’ve been texting all day. I really do now know how time consuming this all is. I would have preferred my stbx waited until after I was out of the house, but she has set the ball in motion and there is no coming back. I am happy that she did, because I will say the attention, conversation and dates to look forward to has been very therapeutic for me. Not that I need anyone else to fill a void, it’s just nice to know that I’m still interesting enough that others would want to meet me and spend time with me.


This is exactly the reason I started dating before my divorce was final. I've only gone out with 4 men, but the difference in my mentality is markedly different from when I went on my first date. 

You don't realize how beaten down you are by your failed marriage until you go out there and see you do indeed have a lot to offer and other people are most definitely interested. 

I'm happy for you to feel that way again, though it must be so awkward living in the same house:surprise:


----------



## Cynthia

Faithful Wife said:


> See, it's fun, right?? This is why I don't quite get why people are so down on OLD. It is whatever you make of it. It may be full of weirdos and creepos, but it is also full of really cool and fun people. When people call it a cesspool, I just feel insulted. People are people wherever you go. I don't think there are more weirdos and creepos on OLD than there are in any given public group.


I've never done OLD. It wasn't even invented when I was single. However, what you are saying makes sense. I think the reason why people think there are more creeps on OLD than around them is that they aren't listening to everyone around them tell about themselves and what they want in life. When you pass people in the grocery store, there's no telling what they're thinking. Or the guy sitting next to you working. You don't know what's going on in his brain either. But when you get on a site where people put themselves out there for a date or a mate, you learn more about the inner workings of their minds, which isn't always great. I hope this doesn't make anyone nervous about the person at the next desk.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> This is exactly the reason I started dating before my divorce was final. I've only gone out with 4 men, but the difference in my mentality is markedly different from when I went on my first date.
> 
> You don't realize how beaten down you are by your failed marriage until you go out there and see you do indeed have a lot to offer and other people are most definitely interested.
> 
> I'm happy for you to feel that way again, though it must be so awkward living in the same house:surprise:


Thank you. IHS is beyond awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I do think of a time when I am in my own place, have my own schedule and I can put "divorced" instead of "separated" on my OLD profile!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> See, it's fun, right?? This is why I don't quite get why people are so down on OLD. It is whatever you make of it. It may be full of weirdos and creepos, but it is also full of really cool and fun people. When people call it a cesspool, I just feel insulted. People are people wherever you go. I don't think there are more weirdos and creepos on OLD than there are in any given public group.


I'm not quite sure I am ready to say "fun" yet, but insofar as it has taken my mind off of other negative things going on and things that I see with my own two eyes every night, it's been refreshing for me the last few days.


----------



## In Absentia

Well, I have to get my EA in motion... but where to look? :smile2:


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> Well, I have to get my EA in motion... but where to look? :smile2:


EA? Please don't have an affair. Get that divorce finalized and then spend some time working on yourself before jumping back in the pool.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> EA? Please don't have an affair. Get that divorce finalized and then spend some time working on yourself before jumping back in the pool.


I wasn't being serious... someone said somewhere - jokingly - that I should have one so to snap out of my lethargy/co-dependency... :smile2:


----------



## Cynthia

In Absentia said:


> I wasn't being serious... someone said somewhere - jokingly - that I should have one so to snap out of my lethargy/co-dependency... :smile2:


I'm glad you're joking. I saw the post you're referring to.

I think you feel responsible for your wife, but she is abusive. She's not going to stop being abusive if you continue to take the bait and engage in her dysfunction. Even if you stop, she may be too far gone to change, but at least you will get your dignity back.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So I went on my date last night. We were supposed to bowl, but ended up staying at the bowling alley bar and having drinks, dinner and great conversation for 3 hours. She’s really nice and we are into each other. When I walked her to her car, she made the move and we made out like teenagers. They way she looked at me and kissed me is a way I haven’t seen in years. It felt really nice. We’ve been texting all day today. We will definitely see each other very soon.


----------



## wilson

RebuildingMe said:


> So I went on my date last night. We were supposed to bowl, but ended up staying at the bowling alley bar and having drinks, dinner and great conversation for 3 hours. She’s really nice and we are into each other. When I walked her to her car, she made the move and we made out like teenagers. They way she looked at me and kissed me is a way I haven’t seen in years. It felt really nice. We’ve been texting all day today. We will definitely see each other very soon.


Congrats! I always think it's a good sign when people go on a simple first date and have a great time.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> So I went on my date last night. We were supposed to bowl, but ended up staying at the bowling alley bar and having drinks, dinner and great conversation for 3 hours. She’s really nice and we are into each other. When I walked her to her car, she made the move and we made out like teenagers. They way she looked at me and kissed me is a way I haven’t seen in years. It felt really nice. We’ve been texting all day today. We will definitely see each other very soon.


Ready to call it "fun" now? :laugh:


----------



## PieceOfSky

In Absentia said:


> Well, I have to get my EA in motion... but where to look? :smile2:





Lila said:


> EA? Please don't have an affair. Get that divorce finalized and then spend some time working on yourself before jumping back in the pool.





In Absentia said:


> I wasn't being serious... someone said somewhere - jokingly - that I should have one so to snap out of my lethargy/co-dependency... :smile2:





Cynthia said:


> I'm glad you're joking. I saw the post you're referring...


 @Lila, I’m not sure exactly what you meant by “Get that divorce finalized”. 

EA, as in before officially starting the divorce process, well, I doubt anyone here would disagree that’s a very bad idea.

But I don’t think it’s unusual to communicate with the attractive sex or date after the marriage partners have deemed themselves separated, or after the papers initiating the divorce process have been filed but while the divorce is still pending. Even on this thread that seems pretty common and even respected.

That said, “spend more time working on yourself before jumping back in” sounds like generally good advice. But, is it not possible to dip a toe in — being clear to whomever one is talking to (at a meetup, or via OLD) that that is all one is ready to do at that time? Being very clear and direct about the situation?

Of course there is the serious risk emotions would get ahead and steer one off course, and one fall in over ones head. But, in IA’s case there is a huge risk of him never permanently leaving until his life is over, and so I wonder if dipping his toe in — after physical separation and filing, but before the divorce is final — is worth the risk.

My advice to IA would be to file for divorce ASAP and move out of the house ASAP, making your “separation“ as unambiguous as possible to your wife. But, then in consultation with your IC, seek to have some sort ”safe” and “fair (to her)” contact with an available woman that is not your wife. Even if it’s just going to a brunch meetup like someone, also mid-divorce process, posted above.

In IA’s case, I think it would be healthier to have such experiences sooner than later, to help break the spell binding him to his wife. I’d guess the notion someday he could have someone else in his life is very foreign to him except maybe intellectually. Self-concept is destiny.


----------



## Lila

PieceOfSky said:


> @Lila, I’m not sure exactly what you meant by “Get that divorce finalized”.
> 
> EA, as in before officially starting the divorce process, well, I doubt anyone here would disagree that’s a very bad idea.
> 
> But I don’t think it’s unusual to communicate with the attractive sex or date after the marriage partners have deemed themselves separated, or after the papers initiating the divorce process have been filed but while the divorce is still pending. Even on this thread that seems pretty common and even respected.
> 
> That said, “spend more time working on yourself before jumping back in” sounds like generally good advice. But, is it not possible to dip a toe in — being clear to whomever one is talking to (at a meetup, or via OLD) that that is all one is ready to do at that time? Being very clear and direct about the situation?
> 
> Of course there is the serious risk emotions would get ahead and steer one off course, and one fall in over ones head. *But, in IA’s case there is a huge risk of him never permanently leaving until his life is over, and so I wonder if dipping his toe in — after physical separation and filing, but before the divorce is final — is worth the risk.*
> 
> My advice to IA would be to file for divorce ASAP and move out of the house ASAP, making your “separation“ as unambiguous as possible to your wife. But, then in consultation with your IC, seek to have some sort ”safe” and “fair (to her)” contact with an available woman that is not your wife. Even if it’s just going to a brunch meetup like someone, also mid-divorce process, posted above.
> 
> In IA’s case, I think it would be healthier to have such experiences sooner than later, to help break the spell binding him to his wife. I’d guess the notion someday he could have someone else in his life is very foreign to him except maybe intellectually. Self-concept is destiny.


IA should not rely on his success or failure after dipping his toes in the dating pond to make the decision to divorce. My personal belief is that people should make the decision to divorce (move on) prior to deciding to date/meet other people. The divorce does not have to be final but the person should not be riding the fence on a go/no go decision. They should be committed to ending the relationship. 

Finding someone else before making the jump to divorce is what I like to call finding a soft place to land or monkey branching.


----------



## PieceOfSky

Lila said:


> IA should not rely on his success or failure after dipping his toes in the dating pond to make the decision to divorce. My personal belief is that people should make the decision to divorce (move on) prior to deciding to date/meet other people. The divorce does not have to be final but the person should not be riding the fence on a go/no go decision. They should be committed to ending the relationship.
> 
> Finding someone else before making the jump to divorce is what I like to call finding a soft place to land or monkey branching.



Thanks, @Lila. I think I understand your position now. And I’d agree in part. Maybe we were talking about different situations, not sure.

I think there are some people who make the decision to leave, consciously want to leave, but have difficulty with the execution. Fear is a deadly. Subconscious drivers keeping them stuck theoretically can be overcome, but that takes time, and a healthy environment. IMHO, people “officially leaving” unhealthy, unloving, isolating marriages with or without abuse shouldn’t feel discouraged from seeking a positive experience from someone attractive and available, as a means to gain some confidence or maintain hope and strengthen resolve. If that’s what it takes for someone to leave something unhealthy, so be it. I’m happy if they manage to supplant the “unfair advantage” the familiar/dysfunctional choice had over them, by having some new positive experiences.

Edit: To be clear, by “officially leaving” I mean having filed for divorce. Or, perhaps some form of “legal” or mutually agreed upon separation.


----------



## Lila

PieceOfSky said:


> @Lila. I think I understand your position now. And I’d agree in part. Maybe we were talking about different situations, not sure.
> 
> *I think there are some people who make the decision to leave, consciously want to leave, but have difficulty with the execution. Fear is a deadly. Subconscious drivers keeping them stuck theoretically can be overcome, but that takes time, and a healthy environment. IMHO, people “officially leaving” unhealthy, unloving, isolating marriages with or without abuse shouldn’t feel discouraged from seeking a positive experience from someone attractive and available, as a means to gain some confidence or maintain hope and strengthen resolve. If that’s what it takes for someone to leave something unhealthy, so be it.* I’m happy if they manage to supplant the “unfair advantage” the familiar/dysfunctional choice had over them, by having some new positive experiences.
> 
> Edit: To be clear, by “officially leaving” I mean having filed for divorce. Or, perhaps some form of “legal” or mutually agreed upon separation.


The reason I don't agree with the bolded is two-fold. The reason to leave a marriage, whether it's abusive or not, should not be too find "the next Mr./Mrs Right". People should leave because they feel they'll be happier alone than in the relationship. 

Someone else is not guaranteed. In fact the latest statistics show that the majority of divorced people (>50%) over 40 are unpartnered (truly single/ no partner) whether by choice or not. 

Which brings me to my second reason....dating over 40 can be brutal. No one should use it as a crutch to leave a marriage. They will be let down. It may make people even more fearful of leaving a crappy partner.


----------



## RebuildingMe

PieceOfSky said:


> @Lila, I’m not sure exactly what you meant by “Get that divorce finalized”.
> 
> EA, as in before officially starting the divorce process, well, I doubt anyone here would disagree that’s a very bad idea.
> 
> But I don’t think it’s unusual to communicate with the attractive sex or date after the marriage partners have deemed themselves separated, or after the papers initiating the divorce process have been filed but while the divorce is still pending. Even on this thread that seems pretty common and even respected.
> 
> That said, “spend more time working on yourself before jumping back in” sounds like generally good advice. But, is it not possible to dip a toe in — being clear to whomever one is talking to (at a meetup, or via OLD) that that is all one is ready to do at that time? Being very clear and direct about the situation?
> 
> Of course there is the serious risk emotions would get ahead and steer one off course, and one fall in over ones head. But, in IA’s case there is a huge risk of him never permanently leaving until his life is over, and so I wonder if dipping his toe in — after physical separation and filing, but before the divorce is final — is worth the risk.
> 
> My advice to IA would be to file for divorce ASAP and move out of the house ASAP, making your “separation“ as unambiguous as possible to your wife. But, then in consultation with your IC, seek to have some sort ”safe” and “fair (to her)” contact with an available woman that is not your wife. Even if it’s just going to a brunch meetup like someone, also mid-divorce process, posted above.
> 
> In IA’s case, I think it would be healthier to have such experiences sooner than later, to help break the spell binding him to his wife. I’d guess the notion someday he could have someone else in his life is very foreign to him except maybe intellectually. Self-concept is destiny.


I agree with you. I think that part of working on yourself includes dipping your toe in the water to reassure you there is indeed life and love after divorce.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> The reason I don't agree with the bolded is two-fold. The reason to leave a marriage, whether it's abusive or not, should not be too find "the next Mr./Mrs Right". People should leave because they feel they'll be happier alone than in the relationship.
> 
> Someone else is not guaranteed. In fact the latest statistics show that the majority of divorced people (>50%) over 40 are unpartnered (truly single/ no partner) whether by choice or not.
> 
> Which brings me to my second reason....dating over 40 can be brutal. No one should use it as a crutch to leave a marriage. They will be let down. It may make people even more fearful of leaving a crappy partner.


I agree to a point. However, if you know your marriage is over, and you are taking steps to end it (filing for divorce) I still say that conversations with the opposite sex is healthy and normal. I would not recommend it in IA’s case, mainly because he has not taken any active steps to end his horrific situation. That is not the case for most on this thread.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree to a point. However, if you know your marriage is over, and you are taking steps to end it (filing for divorce) I still say that conversations with the opposite sex is healthy and normal. I would not recommend it in IA’s case, mainly because he has not taken any active steps to end his horrific situation. That is not the case for most on this thread.


I agree that once the decision to divorce is made then everyone is free to explore, or not, as they see fit. My argument is don't use dating to make the go/no go decision for divorce.


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you. IHS is beyond awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I do think of a time when I am in my own place, have my own schedule and I can put "divorced" instead of "separated" on my OLD profile!


 I couldn't wait until I could actually say I was divorced on OLD either!

I'm not sure it made any difference, though. Hard to tell, because I met someone very soon after IRL and we have really hit it off.

I've been feeling like a teenager again for the first time since I was a teenager


----------



## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> I'm not quite sure I am ready to say "fun" yet, but insofar as it has taken my mind off of other negative things going on and things that I see with my own two eyes every night, it's been refreshing for me the last few days.


If you were like me, distracting is a better word. It was too stressful at first to be fun. Too important to prove that I could still be attractive to someone.

I remember a discussion on one of these threads that talked about how a bad kisser could really turn someone off. I had severe anxiety about that as I hadn't kissed anyone but my wife for 28 years.

My new girlfriend has told me repeatedly what a great kisser I am... Phew! Take that off the list!


----------



## RebuildingMe

attheend02 said:


> If you were like me, distracting is a better word. It was too stressful at first to be fun. Too important to prove that I could still be attractive to someone.
> 
> I remember a discussion on one of these threads that talked about how a bad kisser could really turn someone off. I had severe anxiety about that as I hadn't kissed anyone but my wife for 28 years.
> 
> My new girlfriend has told me repeatedly what a great kisser I am... Phew! Take that off the list!


100% agree with this. OLD is not necessarily fun as it is more of a confidence booster. I too, was questioning myself, my abilities and my attractiveness. Last night changed all that for me, and nothing really happened last night. The woman that I was with will never know how much more last night meant to me that it probably did to her.


----------



## PieceOfSky

Lila said:


> The reason I don't agree with the bolded is two-fold. The reason to leave a marriage, whether it's abusive or not, should not be too find "the next Mr./Mrs Right". People should leave because they feel they'll be happier alone than in the relationship.
> 
> Someone else is not guaranteed. In fact the latest statistics show that the majority of divorced people (>50%) over 40 are unpartnered (truly single/ no partner) whether by choice or not.
> 
> Which brings me to my second reason....dating over 40 can be brutal. No one should use it as a crutch to leave a marriage. They will be let down. It may make people even more fearful of leaving a crappy partner.


Feeling more like we are talking about different situations, which is easy for me to do typing short thoughts via my phone.

Just wanted to say, I’m not at all advocating looking for Mr/Mrs Right. Just thinking it’d be good for some of us to seek some positive experiences involving the attractive sex, as soon as the divorce process reaches a certain point, to break the mental fog and, with any luck, start to feel alive again.

Yes, that could backfire, if the experience is bad enough. But at least it’d be something different than the dysfunction one might be used to. In any case, you raise a good point. IMHO, best to approach any such experience with professional support, and have well-informed expectations.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> attheend02 said:
> 
> 
> 
> If you were like me, distracting is a better word. It was too stressful at first to be fun. Too important to prove that I could still be attractive to someone.
> 
> I remember a discussion on one of these threads that talked about how a bad kisser could really turn someone off. I had severe anxiety about that as I hadn't kissed anyone but my wife for 28 years.
> 
> My new girlfriend has told me repeatedly what a great kisser I am... Phew! Take that off the list!
> 
> 
> 
> 100% agree with this. OLD is not necessarily fun as it is more of a confidence booster. I too, was questioning myself, my abilities and my attractiveness. Last night changed all that for me, and nothing really happened last night. The woman that I was with will never know how much more last night meant to me that it probably did to her.
Click to expand...

Are you still going to go on your other date you had lined up?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Are you still going to go on your other date you had lined up?


So the woman from last night works from home in the same town as I work in. She just invited me over for lunch tomorrow as her kids will be in school. I told her it depends on my work calendar, but if I can make it work I will. 

Regarding Friday’s lunch date, we are supposed to confirm Friday morning. I am very intrigued by the mysterious of all of it, I am still undecided. I am digging the girl from last night. She has reservations about me and my status as newly separated. She gave me the analogy of a bird with a broken wing. Someone picks them up, brings them home and nurses them back to health. As soon as they can fly again, they fly away. I guess she has had her heart broken before, as we all have I suppose.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Are you still going to go on your other date you had lined up?
> 
> 
> 
> So the woman from last night works from home in the same town as I work in. She just invited me over for lunch tomorrow as her kids will be in school. I told her it depends on my work calendar, but if I can make it work I will.
> 
> Regarding Friday’s lunch date, we are supposed to confirm Friday morning. I am very intrigued by the mysterious of all of it, I am still undecided. I am digging the girl from last night. She has reservations about me and my status as newly separated. She gave me the analogy of a bird with a broken wing. Someone picks them up, brings them home and nurses them back to health. As soon as they can fly again, they fly away. I guess she has had her heart broken before, as we all have I suppose.
Click to expand...

Yes, she doesn’t want to be your rebound. It’s a hard thing to be. 

But it can be ok, and things will turn out as they are supposed to.

You can’t help or speed up your process. It just is what it is.

I’m glad you are finding out that women will want you, that you will have options and that you will not be crushed by your wife or divorce. You have had some glimpses of how wonderful it can be to simply be an adult (dating) and a man again (being wanted by women).


----------



## In Absentia

Cynthia said:


> I'm glad you're joking. I saw the post you're referring to.
> 
> I think you feel responsible for your wife, but she is abusive. She's not going to stop being abusive if you continue to take the bait and engage in her dysfunction. Even if you stop, she may be too far gone to change, but at least you will get your dignity back.



I wouldn't do it. I'm not like that. I wouldn't have come back, otherwise. I'm feeling better and things are going better with the detaching...


----------



## In Absentia

PieceOfSky said:


> In IA’s case, I think it would be healthier to have such experiences sooner than later, to help break the spell binding him to his wife. I’d guess the notion someday he could have someone else in his life is very foreign to him except maybe intellectually. Self-concept is destiny.


We are not officially separated (I "cancelled" the separation because of my wife's mental state), but we are separated "de facto" (according to me). The thing is, I don't believe my wife realises that. She thinks I've come back and I have accepted the sexless marriage. We sleep in separate rooms and we lead separate lives. But she also knows that I said "for the time being... let's see how it goes...", so I pretty much believe she would want me to declare an official separation before engaging with other women. And I agree with this. Engaging with other women would make my detaching a lot easier, but I feel that I have to be here until my wife sorts herself out. I have a time-limit, which is September. Many on this board don't agree with this "deadline", but it's the only viable solution _for me_.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, she doesn’t want to be your rebound. It’s a hard thing to be.
> 
> But it can be ok, and things will turn out as they are supposed to.
> 
> You can’t help or speed up your process. It just is what it is.
> 
> I’m glad you are finding out that women will want you, that you will have options and that you will not be crushed by your wife or divorce. You have had some glimpses of how wonderful it can be to simply be an adult (dating) and a man again (being wanted by women).


That is exactly what she has been scared of from the beginning. She been divorced 10 years, has her own house, life, job, etc. She’s looking to to share her life with someone, not support a newbie through a divorce. 

I cancelled tomorrow’s lunch date with the other woman. I’m just not a guy that juggles multiple women. I have too much else going on right now. Plus, I like this one


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> 100% agree with this. OLD is not necessarily fun as it is more of a confidence booster. I too, was questioning myself, my abilities and my attractiveness. Last night changed all that for me, and nothing really happened last night. The woman that I was with will never know how much more last night meant to me that it probably did to her.


I am very glad to hear the OLD is helping you boost your confidence. It had the exact opposite effect on me that's why I like to present "the other side" of the story.


----------



## AVR1962

In Absentia said:


> I don't have a perspective... :smile2: I guess I'm putting the cart before the horse.


One step at a time. It takes time to heal the wounds, understand how your actions or reaction or lack of contributed to the demise of your relationship, how you can learn from your past relationship to move forward without carry baggage. Being in a long marriage there becomes deep scars....scars from how the two of you danced. You learned their reaction and you learned how to not feed into the negative, or not participate. At least for myself, at first, I was still expecting these same behaviors from men I dated so it kept me bound, in a sense. What I learned though is I could let that go as my experiences with other men were showing me that the behavior of my ex was his behavior and not that of others. 3 1/2 years later I can say I would not want to be living with a partner even now. Perhaps one day that will be comfortable for me again. It is a process.


----------



## wilson

RebuildingMe said:


> I cancelled tomorrow’s lunch date with the other woman. I’m just not a guy that juggles multiple women. I have too much else going on right now. Plus, I like this one


That's probably a good idea. If you end up getting emotionally tangled with several women at once, it will make it harder to decide between them and lead to a lot of misunderstandings and complicated drama.


----------



## ReformedHubby

RebuildingMe said:


> That is exactly what she has been scared of from the beginning. *She been divorced 10 years, has her own house, life, job, etc. She’s looking to to share her life with someone, not support a newbie through a divorce. *


Wise woman. I had a first date tell me that guys really don't know what they want until about five years after their marriage ends. I didn't necessarily agree with her but I respected her opinion. Its not like she wasn't interested, but she made it clear she didn't take recently separated guys seriously. Looking back she was 100 percent correct. It hasn't quite been five years for me, but I can say that what I thought I wanted and what I actually want has shifted over time. I can't say that women should have avoided me because I was only looking to get laid, but admittedly I was looking for "perfect", which was dumb because it held some really cool people I met to very unrealistic standards. I think I threw in the towel too soon on one or two situations.


----------



## minimalME

I hope you're feeling better about yourself, Lila.

I tried online dating for 8 years. I never enjoyed it and consistently felt unattractive, unloveable and unwanted. I kept trying and trying because that's what books and articles tell you to do - 'Don't give up!'

But the reality is that modern dating doesn't line up with the person I want to be. 

Now that I've been out of it for over 1.5 years, I don't have any of those bad feelings/thoughts about myself anymore. I accept who I am, and I've made peace with the fact that I may be on my own for the rest of my life.

Is it the ideal? No, but there are always both good and bad in every choice. 

I'm very fortunate - and super thankful for the life I have.




Lila said:


> I am very glad to hear the OLD is helping you boost your confidence. It had the exact opposite effect on me that's why I like to present "the other side" of the story.


----------



## 2&out

Reading/following along, OLD sounds awful to me. As unfair as it might be, I've always viewed it as strictly a last resort desperation option and expect that is the type of people I would meet. My view is not quite so critical anymore - but still - I'll never do it. I don't need someone and most times don't want someone. But I am also tainted and truly feel "having a partner" is or would be an improvement in my life. My experience is having one is much more work and frustration than the reward is worth for me.


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> I hope you're feeling better about yourself, Lila.
> 
> I tried online dating for 8 years. I never enjoyed it and consistently felt unattractive, unloveable and unwanted. I kept trying and trying because that's what books and articles tell you to do - 'Don't give up!'
> 
> But the reality is that modern dating doesn't line up with the person I want to be.
> 
> Now that I've been out of it for over 1.5 years, I don't have any of those bad feelings/thoughts about myself anymore. I accept who I am, and I've made peace with the fact that I may be on my own for the rest of my life.
> 
> Is it the ideal? No, but there are always both good and bad in every choice.
> 
> I'm very fortunate - and super thankful for the life I have.


Thanks @minimalME. I do feel better but like you, I have stayed the hell away from OLD. I'm just not cut out for it.

I think where I struggle is that I still have not made peace with the fact that I may be on my own for the rest of my life.


----------



## TXTrini

So today's the official start of a new era in my life- single @ 40 and starting over. I was first in/first out of court this morning, bright and early, just awaiting my final papers before I go ahead with my name official change.


----------



## notmyjamie

TXTrini said:


> So today's the official start of a new era in my life- single @ 40 and starting over. I was first in/first out of court this morning, bright and early, just awaiting my final papers before I go ahead with my name official change.


Congratulations seems weird to say at a time like this but I'll say it anyway. Congratulations. Divorce is tough and having it behind you helps you to truly start to heal I would imagine. I was in your shoes about a month ago and my certificate came today which means I can now legally change my name. I've been looking forward to this day for a long time!!!

And while I'm excited and happy to get my certificate today, there is an element of sadness to it. So *hugs* to you if you need them.


----------



## Faithful Wife

2&out said:


> Reading/following along, OLD sounds awful to me. As unfair as it might be, I've always viewed it as strictly a last resort desperation option and expect that is the type of people I would meet. My view is not quite so critical anymore - but still - I'll never do it. I don't need someone and most times don't want someone. But I am also tainted and truly feel "having a partner" is or would be an improvement in my life. My experience is having one is much more work and frustration than the reward is worth for me.


But you do have a relationship, I thought? Not necessarily a fully committed one but it is definitely a relationship, based on what you have shared.


----------



## TXTrini

notmyjamie said:


> Congratulations seems weird to say at a time like this but I'll say it anyway. Congratulations. Divorce is tough and having it behind you helps you to truly start to heal I would imagine. I was in your shoes about a month ago and my certificate came today which means I can now legally change my name. I've been looking forward to this day for a long time!!!
> 
> And while I'm excited and happy to get my certificate today, there is an element of sadness to it. So *hugs* to you if you need them.


I'm ok, I honestly don't know how to feel, but I am relieved. It's amazing how much happier, positive and more physically energetic I've been since I decided to walk. I saw my therapist biweekly for about 6 months and I'm in a much better place than I was at the beginning, when I didn't know my ass from my elbow.

Thank you for the encouragement, here's to new beginnings for us both *cheers*


----------



## attheend02

TXTrini said:


> So today's the official start of a new era in my life- single @ 40 and starting over. I was first in/first out of court this morning, bright and early, just awaiting my final papers before I go ahead with my name official change.


Congratulations on your new era TXTrini!


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> So the woman from last night works from home in the same town as I work in. She just invited me over for lunch tomorrow as her kids will be in school. I told her it depends on my work calendar, but if I can make it work I will.
> 
> 
> 
> Regarding Friday’s lunch date, we are supposed to confirm Friday morning. I am very intrigued by the mysterious of all of it, I am still undecided. I am digging the girl from last night. She has reservations about me and my status as newly separated. She gave me the analogy of a bird with a broken wing. Someone picks them up, brings them home and nurses them back to health. As soon as they can fly again, they fly away. I guess she has had her heart broken before, as we all have I suppose.


This is why a lot of women avoid dating separated men, or men who are newly divorced.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

FeministInPink said:


> This is why a lot of women avoid dating separated men, or men who are newly divorced.


Men who are ready for a relationship also avoid newly separated or divorced women, also. Generally speaking, I think people should only date newly divorced or separated people if you are not looking for anything serious, committed, or lasting. If you are looking to just spread your own wings a little, then a newly S/D person is an excellent date.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> Men who are ready for a relationship also avoid newly separated or divorced women, also. Generally speaking, I think people should only date newly divorced or separated people if you are not looking for anything serious, committed, or lasting. If you are looking to just spread your own wings a little, then a newly S/D person is an excellent date.


Sometimes you just click so well, it goes out the window. Ironically, despite not wanting to be serious, I want to be serious enough to know hes' into me.


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> Sometimes you just click so well, it goes out the window. Ironically, despite not wanting to be serious, I want to be serious enough to know hes' into me.


I totally get that. And sometimes a great connection is worth the risk of possible heartache.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> I totally get that. And sometimes a great connection is worth the risk of possible heartache.


Girl, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson lol. I've been open about how I feel, he's still closemouthed, but becoming more passionate with me now that everything is official.

Why do I seem to like the "men of few words" types? It's a sickness, I swear! I know he says he's an action man but omg, women like to hear the words too. The man never bores me, we can talk about so many topics, but not one freaking hint. I'm trying to be patient, I know he's afraid I'm not wanting a relationship. I'm totally into him and want to see where it goes, but I have to protect my heart too. 

How do you guys balance your desires with common freaking sense? I need a good hard slap lol


----------



## Faithful Wife

TXTrini said:


> Girl, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson lol. I've been open about how I feel, he's still closemouthed, but becoming more passionate with me now that everything is official.
> 
> Why do I seem to like the "men of few words" types? It's a sickness, I swear! I know he says he's an action man but omg, women like to hear the words too. The man never bores me, we can talk about so many topics, but not one freaking hint. I'm trying to be patient, I know he's afraid I'm not wanting a relationship. I'm totally into him and want to see where it goes, but I have to protect my heart too.
> 
> How do you guys balance your desires with common freaking sense? I need a good hard slap lol


Do you mean no hints about how he feels about you? Can you expand on that, want to make sure I’m understanding.

If that’s what you mean, yes, I hate that!!!


----------



## In Absentia

Thanks you for your support...

man, after 26 months with no sex, I'm going mad... :frown2:


----------



## notmyjamie

In Absentia said:


> Thanks you for your support...
> 
> man, after 26 months with no sex, I'm going mad... :frown2:


You have my sympathies. I went 4 years with almost nothing, then 3 years with nothing. I’m surprised I didn’t jump my boyfriends bones on the first date. LOL


----------



## In Absentia

notmyjamie said:


> You have my sympathies. I went 4 years with almost nothing, then 3 years with nothing. I’m surprised I didn’t jump my boyfriends bones on the first date. LOL


I don't understand how people can be so cruel... she did it to please me for 10 years, she could have carried on... :smile2:


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## Cynthia

In Absentia said:


> I don't understand how people can be so cruel... she did it to please me for 10 years, she could have carried on... :smile2:


You are choosing to remain in the marriage. The no sex is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of marriage problems that you have. You mentioned that you have a time limit. Is she aware of this? Have you told her what your requirements are to remain in the marriage and asked her if she wants to remain married to you?


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## FeministInPink

Remember... this is the SINGLES THREAD, folks. Please keep topics of discussion relevant to the single life... not the place to discuss TAMers' marital issues. There are other subforums for that.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

FeministInPink said:


> Remember... this is the SINGLES THREAD, folks. Please keep topics of discussion relevant to the single life... not the place to discuss TAMers' marital issues. There are other subforums for that.


Good point. @In Absentia, can you start a thread on your issue so you can get support without disrupting the singles thread?


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## Livvie

.


----------



## As'laDain

Just out of curiosity, has anyone tried finding social groups to be members of, as a means of meeting people? Things like hobby groups and whatnot? 

I imagine this would not work very well unless you actually enjoy the subject/topic of the group, but i find it a really good way of meeting people. 

Sometimes, i read the stories here of people striking out with online dating and wonder if they would have better luck just joining social groups...


----------



## attheend02

As'laDain said:


> Just out of curiosity, has anyone tried finding social groups to be members of, as a means of meeting people? Things like hobby groups and whatnot?
> 
> I imagine this would not work very well unless you actually enjoy the subject/topic of the group, but i find it a really good way of meeting people.
> 
> Sometimes, i read the stories here of people striking out with online dating and wonder if they would have better luck just joining social groups...



I do meetups - Music and Hiking. I have met men friends and women from those. 

My current girlfriend was from a Hiking meetup... actually a one off concert meet hosted by the hiking meetup. Nothing like the love of shared band for me.


----------



## Lila

As'laDain said:


> Just out of curiosity, has anyone tried finding social groups to be members of, as a means of meeting people? Things like hobby groups and whatnot?
> 
> 
> 
> I imagine this would not work very well unless you actually enjoy the subject/topic of the group, but i find it a really good way of meeting people.
> 
> 
> 
> Sometimes, i read the stories here of people striking out with online dating and wonder if they would have better luck just joining social groups...


I have and still do. Most of my single girlfriends are women I met through social groups. 

I do have a hobby that I enjoy and have met some nice men, but I seem to always be the friend never the girl-friend. Every man needs a wing woman and that seems to be me. 

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


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## minimalME

The meetup groups don't really have my interests. I did try one lunch with an introvert group, and no one came. 

Right now, I'm teaching myself about optics, photonics and a little quantum theory. Then I want to take that knowledge and incorporate it into my artwork.

My plan is to have an instagram page, so perhaps that will help me connect with like-minded people.



As'laDain said:


> Sometimes, i read the stories here of people striking out with online dating and wonder if they would have better luck just joining social groups...


----------



## RebuildingMe

This girl I have been seeing has checked all my boxes. She has a double masters, she is independent, owns her own house, her parents live 1500 miles away in Florida. She has it all. We have been getting along well. However, she has been dieting and is a diabetic. So she has to watch her levels. I told her to eat and not worry about dieting, that she looks great (I’d put her at a size 10 but what do I know). She responded that she “doesn’t have a good body image”. This is my first red flag. My stbx has/had body image issues. She now feels great because she has lost 40lbs and is down to a size 6/8. However, I lived with the fallout of her body issues for years. Sex with the lights off, unflattering clothes and barely took her pants off for sex, forget her top and bra. Now I’m thinking, is this new woman going to be the same way? I couldn’t live through that again. All the compliments in the world never makes them happy if they are not happy with themselves.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> This girl I have been seeing has checked all my boxes. She has a double masters, she is independent, owns her own house, her parents live 1500 miles away in Florida. She has it all. We have been getting along well. However, she has been dieting and is a diabetic. So she has to watch her levels. I told her to eat and not worry about dieting, that she looks great (I’d put her at a size 10 but what do I know). She responded that she “doesn’t have a good body image”. This is my first red flag. My stbx has/had body image issues. She now feels great because she has lost 40lbs and is down to a size 6/8. However, I lived with the fallout of her body issues for years. Sex with the lights off, unflattering clothes and barely took her pants off for sex, forget her top and bra. Now I’m thinking, is this new woman going to be the same way? I couldn’t live through that again. All the compliments in the world never makes them happy if they are not happy with themselves.


I think the only thing you can do is lay all out in the open. Tell her you have a concern and tell her your story.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I think you are going to find the majority of us women do not have a good body image, so I would not immediately rule her out just because of that. Just pay attention since you have been tipped off, and see how extreme it is. Or isn’t. Your ex’s issues sound extreme. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RebuildingMe

3Xnocharm said:


> I think you are going to find the majority of us women do not have a good body image, so I would not immediately rule her out just because of that. Just pay attention since you have been tipped off, and see how extreme it is. Or isn’t. Your ex’s issues sound extreme.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


For the women who do have body issues, I don’t know if you realize what a toll it not only takes on you, but your partner and your relationship. Guys are turned on by turning on their partner. If you (the woman) cannot be turned on because of how your feel about your body, the man will take this to heart, and not in a good way. 

I’m not ready to end anything, but this is indeed my first red flag. I’ve been through this all before. I’m hoping you are correct and that my ex’s feelings were the extreme and not the norm. I can’t go through this again. Waiting and observing....


----------



## Hiner112

So, I have a bit of a situation and might need some help in the best way to handle it and express myself. One of my defining characteristics is curiosity. I had questions like, "what do the apps look like?", "Is there a bias in which ones are relevant in my area?", and stuff like that. For instance, the searching and filtering of Match appeals to me a lot more than the Tinder swiping interface.

Well, I accidentally put myself in a weird situation (at least for me). As I was checking out the Facebook dating app and as I was getting ready to deactivate it, I got a like. Typing that made me feel slightly juvenile, sigh. Anyway, how would you respond to a 'like' you weren't really looking for? I mean where the kids will be any particular day isn't settled at all so I don't know when I would see her. I've not yet put a ton of thought in to what I would look for in a date or relationship yet. I wouldn't want her to think that I'm blowing her off because I don't think she's attractive because she is.

How would one clearly express enough of that to be clear while typing on a phone?

There is a 1000% chance that I am overthinking it but that is what I do.


----------



## FeministInPink

As'laDain said:


> Just out of curiosity, has anyone tried finding social groups to be members of, as a means of meeting people? Things like hobby groups and whatnot?
> 
> 
> 
> I imagine this would not work very well unless you actually enjoy the subject/topic of the group, but i find it a really good way of meeting people.
> 
> 
> 
> Sometimes, i read the stories here of people striking out with online dating and wonder if they would have better luck just joining social groups...


I go to MeetUps all the time. They're really big in the DC area, so there are a ton of them for all different interests.

I actually run a karaoke MeetUp!

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

Hiner112 said:


> So, I have a bit of a situation and might need some help in the best way to handle it and express myself. One of my defining characteristics is curiosity. I had questions like, "what do the apps look like?", "Is there a bias in which ones are relevant in my area?", and stuff like that. For instance, the searching and filtering of Match appeals to me a lot more than the Tinder swiping interface.
> 
> 
> 
> Well, I accidentally put myself in a weird situation (at least for me). As I was checking out the Facebook dating app and as I was getting ready to deactivate it, I got a like. Typing that made me feel slightly juvenile, sigh. Anyway, how would you respond to a 'like' you weren't really looking for? I mean where the kids will be any particular day isn't settled at all so I don't know when I would see her. I've not yet put a ton of thought in to what I would look for in a date or relationship yet. I wouldn't want her to think that I'm blowing her off because I don't think she's attractive because she is.
> 
> 
> 
> How would one clearly express enough of that to be clear while typing on a phone?
> 
> 
> 
> There is a 1000% chance that I am overthinking it but that is what I do.


Yes, you are absolutely overthinking this. If you don't actually want the like, don't do anything. I only receive a message from maybe 1 in 10 matches. Seriously, don't sweat it. My experience is that most people don't take the free dating apps seriously.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

Hiner112 said:


> So, I have a bit of a situation and might need some help in the best way to handle it and express myself. One of my defining characteristics is curiosity. I had questions like, "what do the apps look like?", "Is there a bias in which ones are relevant in my area?", and stuff like that. For instance, the searching and filtering of Match appeals to me a lot more than the Tinder swiping interface.
> 
> Well, I accidentally put myself in a weird situation (at least for me). As I was checking out the Facebook dating app and as I was getting ready to deactivate it, I got a like. Typing that made me feel slightly juvenile, sigh. Anyway, how would you respond to a 'like' you weren't really looking for? I mean where the kids will be any particular day isn't settled at all so I don't know when I would see her. I've not yet put a ton of thought in to what I would look for in a date or relationship yet. I wouldn't want her to think that I'm blowing her off because I don't think she's attractive because she is.
> 
> How would one clearly express enough of that to be clear while typing on a phone?
> 
> There is a 1000% chance that I am overthinking it but that is what I do.


As an online dater, getting a like doesn’t mean much. It might mean “oh hey, she’s cute” or it may mean “wow this woman seems to have exactly what I’m looking for!” or it may mean “I want to shag this chick”.

Since I don’t know which of these it is, I don’t put much stock into it. I just look over their profile and decide if it seems worth it to like them back.

Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. If they put any stock into getting a response from me, that’s on them. I can’t control how they feel and I don’t even know if they really meant they like me, just want to shag me, or maybe even accidentally swiped. Who knows? I don’t and I don’t care. 

I worry about my own feelings. If my feelings at the time are “hmmm...he’s kind of cute” (which is normally the most effort or thought I put into it) I might like them back or message them. 

Even if I do message them, they may not respond even though they liked me first. We don’t know what is going on with the other person. They may be a total fake, they may be married, they may be using pictures of someone else, they may have been “bored swiping” which means they didn’t actually look that close or read my profile. 

You will learn over time that some likes and swipes do end up meaning something but most don’t.

Do what feels right to you. Don’t worry about the other person after just a like or swipe. If you do message them, don’t have any expectations.

Sometimes a like or swipe ends up being a wonderful mutually fulfilling relationship. Sometimes it is a dead end. Sometimes it is something in between. All you should worry about is what is best for you at this time. If it’s best for you to shut down your profile without saying hello, do it.

We are not there to be the savior of other people’s feelings or self esteem. We are all there for our own reasons. Some of us are ready to meet and date. Some are not ready for anything at all and are just testing the waters. Any of these is ok.


----------



## Faithful Wife

RebuildingMe said:


> For the women who do have body issues, I don’t know if you realize what a toll it not only takes on you, but your partner and your relationship. Guys are turned on by turning on their partner. If you (the woman) cannot be turned on because of how your feel about your body, the man will take this to heart, and not in a good way.
> 
> I’m not ready to end anything, but this is indeed my first red flag. I’ve been through this all before. I’m hoping you are correct and that my ex’s feelings were the extreme and not the norm. I can’t go through this again. Waiting and observing....


Start a conversation about sex and sexual expectations. Ask her if she feels comfortable naked during sex or just laying around in bed. Tell her that you long to be with a woman who happily shares her body with you. 

These are fair questions and a normal adult dating discussion.

However, since you still live with your wife, be prepared for her to mention this. That is going to be a point of contention for her. If you two have sex it will always have to be at her place for the time being. I’m sure she would prefer a man who doesn’t live with his wife and even though you won’t see that as equivalent, to her it might be.

So you don’t want a woman who hides under the covers and she doesn’t want a man who live with his wife.

Be prepared to be open about things and discuss them. You aren’t the only one seeing red flags, she is too. Be sensitive to her as much as you expect her to be sensitive to you.


----------



## In Absentia

Cynthia said:


> Good point. @In Absentia, can you start a thread on your issue so you can get support without disrupting the singles thread?


No need to do open a new thread... 

Just to recap: I have a time limit, she doesn't know about it because I don't want to damage her mental health since she is better. She will accept the marriage is over when I mention it...

Sorry for the thread-jack!


----------



## In Absentia

RebuildingMe said:


> Now I’m thinking, is this new woman going to be the same way?


Only one way to find out! :wink2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

Faithful Wife said:


> Start a conversation about sex and sexual expectations. Ask her if she feels comfortable naked during sex or just laying around in bed. Tell her that you long to be with a woman who happily shares her body with you.
> 
> These are fair questions and a normal adult dating discussion.
> 
> However, since you still live with your wife, be prepared for her to mention this. That is going to be a point of contention for her. If you two have sex it will always have to be at her place for the time being. I’m sure she would prefer a man who doesn’t live with his wife and even though you won’t see that as equivalent, to her it might be.
> 
> So you don’t want a woman who hides under the covers and she doesn’t want a man who live with his wife.
> 
> Be prepared to be open about things and discuss them. You aren’t the only one seeing red flags, she is too. Be sensitive to her as much as you expect her to be sensitive to you.


We’ve already talked about sex and oral sex. There are no issues there. I didn’t get into how comfortable she is naked because at that time, the body issue comment wasn’t made. I think if things continue to take the current course, I will have my answer soon. 

Yes, I know she probably has her own red flags. Based upon our conversations, me living with my ex is high on the list. However, that’s temporary. Body image issues can last a lifetime, and an unpleasant one at that.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> For the women who do have body issues, I don’t know if you realize what a toll it not only takes on you, but your partner and your relationship. Guys are turned on by turning on their partner. If you (the woman) cannot be turned on because of how your feel about your body, the man will take this to heart, and not in a good way.
> 
> 
> 
> I’m not ready to end anything, but this is indeed my first red flag. I’ve been through this all before. I’m hoping you are correct and that my ex’s feelings were the extreme and not the norm. I can’t go through this again. Waiting and observing....


 @RebuildingMe is she overweight? 

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## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> For the women who do have body issues, I don’t know if you realize what a toll it not only takes on you, but your partner and your relationship. Guys are turned on by turning on their partner. If you (the woman) cannot be turned on because of how your feel about your body, the man will take this to heart, and not in a good way.
> 
> 
> 
> I’m not ready to end anything, but this is indeed my first red flag. I’ve been through this all before. I’m hoping you are correct and that my ex’s feelings were the extreme and not the norm. I can’t go through this again. Waiting and observing....[/quote @RebuildingMe is she overweight?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> I don’t think so. She told me she wants to lose 15 pounds. She said she is comfortable at 130, so I can old assume she’s 145?
Click to expand...


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t think so. She told me she wants to lose 15 pounds. She said she is comfortable at 130, so I can old assume she’s 145?


Hmm....that's interesting. I guess we all have our own issues to deal with. 

I'm overweight but have zero issues with getting naked. At 145 I would be clothed as little as possible lol. 

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Hmm....that's interesting. I guess we all have our own issues to deal with.
> 
> I'm overweight but have zero issues with getting naked.  At 145 I would be clothed as little as possible lol.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


Lila, I always thought you were a female? I see you are a male. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, lol. I wish there was a better way to see genders on TAM.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

RebuildingMe said:


> Lila, I always thought you were a female? I see you are a male. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, lol. I wish there was a better way to see genders on TAM.




Lila is a she lol


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## In Absentia

RebuildingMe said:


> Lila, I always thought you were a female? I see you are a male. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, lol. I wish there was a better way to see genders on TAM.


where do you see she is a man? :smile2:


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Lila, I always thought you were a female? I see you are a male. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, lol. I wish there was a better way to see genders on TAM.


Lol, I'm a woman. I think when I went over to Tapatalk, the profile defaulted to male. 

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

In Absentia said:


> where do you see she is a man? :smile2:


It’s on her profile. What the heck do I know, lol?


----------



## Lila

Has anyone here done energy healing work?

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> Has anyone here done energy healing work?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


My cousin learned reiki and other energy healing and practiced it for a long time. I have been worked on by her and some others.

Mostly I have found ways to work on my own energy.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> My cousin learned reiki and other energy healing and practiced it for a long time. I have been worked on by her and some others.
> 
> Mostly I have found ways to work on my own energy.


I know someone who does it. They've offered to help me. I'm thinking about doing it. It's not reiki though. It's something else. 

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> My cousin learned reiki and other energy healing and practiced it for a long time. I have been worked on by her and some others.
> 
> Mostly I have found ways to work on my own energy.
> 
> 
> 
> I know someone who does it. They've offered to help me. I'm thinking about doing it. It's not reiki though. It's something else.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I’ve had various kinds of energy work. It can’t hurt! I don’t know if it will help but there is no risk really. Go for it!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Has anyone here done energy healing work?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


Can you explain what this is? Sounds interesting. “Energy” and “healing” caught my eye.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Can you explain what this is? Sounds interesting. “Energy” and “healing” caught my eye.


I honestly have no idea what it is. I've been really sad lately and they told me they can help me move the negative emotions out. I'm all for it if it'll help me not feel like this. 

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

I’ve been tiptoeing around a guys profile on POF for weeks. More like a few months. He did the meet me thing with me but never messaged me. I don’t use meet me and I won’t message anyone, it takes a lot to get me to do that. I think he may be the same way. 

Anyway, out of boredom yesterday I joined Facebook dating and he “liked” my profile. I thought about it for a while then sucked it up and messaged him. We chatted on and off for about an hour. Funny guy, friendly and seems very interested. His name is B though lol! B 2.0. Hopefully a fully upgraded version with all the bugs worked out and a, ahem, battery that holds a charge. I can’t flake on this guy if we decide to meet. If I do I’m taking myself out of the game for a good long time.


----------



## FeministInPink

Not said:


> I’ve been tiptoeing around a guys profile on POF for weeks. More like a few months. He did the meet me thing with me but never messaged me. I don’t use meet me and I won’t message anyone, it takes a lot to get me to do that. I think he may be the same way.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyway, out of boredom yesterday I joined Facebook dating and he “liked” my profile. I thought about it for a while then sucked it up and messaged him. We chatted on and off for about an hour. Funny guy, friendly and seems very interested. His name is B though lol! B 2.0. Hopefully a fully upgraded version with all the bugs worked out and a, ahem, battery that holds a charge. I can’t flake on this guy if we decide to meet. If I do I’m taking myself out of the game for a good long time.


Take a chance... you never know!

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## heartsbeating

Hey all, I've momentarily jumped in for @RebuildingMe - as I know you regularly post in this thread. There's been positive shared camaraderie in this thread, and you are part of that. So, from one random being on the interwebz to another, whatever you've been going through recently, I hope you're okay.


----------



## Affaircare

RebuildingMe said:


> For the women who do have body issues, I don’t know if you realize what a toll it not only takes on you, but your partner and your relationship. Guys are turned on by turning on their partner. If you (the woman) cannot be turned on because of how your feel about your body, the man will take this to heart, and not in a good way.
> 
> I’m not ready to end anything, but this is indeed my first red flag. I’ve been through this all before. I’m hoping you are correct and that my ex’s feelings were the extreme and not the norm. I can’t go through this again. Waiting and observing....


 @RebuildingMe, 

When @EmergingBuddhist and I were dating, we ran into situations similar to this and we called them "landmines"... here's why. Your new gal said or used the term "body issues" and because your STBXW has extreme negativity and also used terms similar to that, your response was almost like PTSD. Sort of like she stepped on a hidden landmine. In other words, your mind and emotions may have exploded hearing that same/similar terminology when to her, it just means something completely different. You partially reacted to your past and the extreme problems your STBXW had--not to this new, different lady. 

So the first thing you can do is to begin to recognize when something is a landmine, and when it is legitimately in the present. For example, with your new gal, if you've spoken openly about sexual topics and she's comfortable, and if you've made out a bit and she doesn't mind you touching her, and if you've seen some but maybe not all yet--in the present it seems like she has at least a level of self-comfort that your STBXW doesn't even begin to comprehend! It may be that your new gal, looks at herself in the mirror (like I do), sees an okay person who just is not a Hollywood beauty, sees a mom-bod and some wrinkles or grays, and maybe just feels "Meh I'm not bad but not great" and she calls that "body issues." Or she holds herself to maintain a certain weight and she isn't happy right now that she's gained 5 lbs. Or she has a scar that she just sees as ugly. All those things could be described as "body issues" but she's completely comfortable in her sexuality, in her pleasure, and in her self. In that instance, your "red-flag, oh my god, she's got issues just like my ex had!" reaction is probably a landmine. It's a reaction in the present to something that is past. 

To switch it around, if your new gal was uncomfortable talking about sexual topics, if she didn't enjoy making out, if she shrunk at your touch, if she wouldn't let you see ANYTHING--then in the present she would be exhibiting red-flag issues around her self, her body, and her sexuality. Then a reaction of "red-flag, oh my god, she's got issues just like my ex had!" would not be a landmine but rather RECOGNITION. Make sense? 

Once you'd determined if it is a landmine--let's imagine you realize "Yep, that was a landmine she just stepped on"--that means two things: 1) it's not her and 2) it's up to you to change your reaction. 

#1 is important because you need to learn what IS and IS NOT "her" and what is a ghost of a fear from the past. If you can see that it was a landmine, then it is really helpful to remind yourself that the landmine is not her...and here's what IS HER. I was, and often still am, afraid of being unimportant. I often feel invisible. So when EB trips on that landmine, once I recognize "Oops that is a landmine and not in the present", then the next thing I do is remind myself of who HE IS. Does he think I'm unimportant? No. Does he act like I'm unimportant? No. Does he treat me like I'm invisible? NO! What does he do? He says and acts and treats me as if I am significant in his life. So remind yourself of what IS her, and what IS NOT her. 

#2 is important because we can ask the significant people all we want to try to skip around our landmines and not do this or that to set them off, and if they love us they may even make the attempt...but in the end we are personally responsible for what we think and feel. In the end, if a person has a landmine, what will really make the landmine deactivate is working on the landmine and learning how to cope in a healthy way, how to be assertive and ask for what we need, and how to deal with the fear and face it. Sometimes this takes counseling. Sometimes a person can just think about it, decide what to change or do better next time, and change their own reaction. Either way, it's not her job to make you less afraid of "body issues"--that is your job. It's your landmine. So next time you hear that term, maybe decide how you'd deal with it better. Would you ask a question? Would you make a statement of one of your boundaries? What would you do to change your trigger reaction?


----------



## Not

New experience for me. I’ve never talked with a man who’s been cheated on. B2.0 has. I need to find out how long it’s been, it sounds like it’s not recent recent but obviously recent enough. I was right about him though, he’s not messaging anyone and just looking around. Like me. He noticed me a while ago and says he’s been to hesitant to message me. 

I have no idea what to expect.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> New experience for me. I’ve never talked with a man who’s been cheated on. B2.0 has. I need to find out how long it’s been, it sounds like it’s not recent recent but obviously recent enough. I was right about him though, he’s not messaging anyone and just looking around. Like me. He noticed me a while ago and says he’s been to hesitant to message me.
> 
> I have no idea what to expect.


I’ve dated a couple of guys who have been cheated on.

I just felt sympathy for them and did all I could to show them I was never going to treat them that way.

Having said that, they also seemed to have moved past it enough to at least not make me feel I had to pay for their ex’s sins. Sometimes they did show some insecurity, but they tried very hard not to make it seem like they were going to accuse me of anything. 

If they had not moved on at least somewhat and if they had accused me of things, I would have had to end it.

Good luck with this guy! I hope he turns out to be a nice date or more.


----------



## attheend02

Not said:


> New experience for me. I’ve never talked with a man who’s been cheated on. B2.0 has. I need to find out how long it’s been, it sounds like it’s not recent recent but obviously recent enough. I was right about him though, he’s not messaging anyone and just looking around. Like me. He noticed me a while ago and says he’s been to hesitant to message me.
> 
> I have no idea what to expect.


...


----------



## RebuildingMe

heartsbeating said:


> Hey all, I've momentarily jumped in for @RebuildingMe - as I know you regularly post in this thread. There's been positive shared camaraderie in this thread, and you are part of that. So, from one random being on the interwebz to another, whatever you've been going through recently, I hope you're okay.


 @heartsbeating wow, thank you for this. You are a truly genuine human and I am humbled.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Affaircare said:


> @RebuildingMe,
> 
> When @EmergingBuddhist and I were dating, we ran into situations similar to this and we called them "landmines"... here's why. Your new gal said or used the term "body issues" and because your STBXW has extreme negativity and also used terms similar to that, your response was almost like PTSD. Sort of like she stepped on a hidden landmine. In other words, your mind and emotions may have exploded hearing that same/similar terminology when to her, it just means something completely different. You partially reacted to your past and the extreme problems your STBXW had--not to this new, different lady.
> 
> So the first thing you can do is to begin to recognize when something is a landmine, and when it is legitimately in the present. For example, with your new gal, if you've spoken openly about sexual topics and she's comfortable, and if you've made out a bit and she doesn't mind you touching her, and if you've seen some but maybe not all yet--in the present it seems like she has at least a level of self-comfort that your STBXW doesn't even begin to comprehend! It may be that your new gal, looks at herself in the mirror (like I do), sees an okay person who just is not a Hollywood beauty, sees a mom-bod and some wrinkles or grays, and maybe just feels "Meh I'm not bad but not great" and she calls that "body issues." Or she holds herself to maintain a certain weight and she isn't happy right now that she's gained 5 lbs. Or she has a scar that she just sees as ugly. All those things could be described as "body issues" but she's completely comfortable in her sexuality, in her pleasure, and in her self. In that instance, your "red-flag, oh my god, she's got issues just like my ex had!" reaction is probably a landmine. It's a reaction in the present to something that is past.
> 
> To switch it around, if your new gal was uncomfortable talking about sexual topics, if she didn't enjoy making out, if she shrunk at your touch, if she wouldn't let you see ANYTHING--then in the present she would be exhibiting red-flag issues around her self, her body, and her sexuality. Then a reaction of "red-flag, oh my god, she's got issues just like my ex had!" would not be a landmine but rather RECOGNITION. Make sense?
> 
> Once you'd determined if it is a landmine--let's imagine you realize "Yep, that was a landmine she just stepped on"--that means two things: 1) it's not her and 2) it's up to you to change your reaction.
> 
> #1 is important because you need to learn what IS and IS NOT "her" and what is a ghost of a fear from the past. If you can see that it was a landmine, then it is really helpful to remind yourself that the landmine is not her...and here's what IS HER. I was, and often still am, afraid of being unimportant. I often feel invisible. So when EB trips on that landmine, once I recognize "Oops that is a landmine and not in the present", then the next thing I do is remind myself of who HE IS. Does he think I'm unimportant? No. Does he act like I'm unimportant? No. Does he treat me like I'm invisible? NO! What does he do? He says and acts and treats me as if I am significant in his life. So remind yourself of what IS her, and what IS NOT her.
> 
> #2 is important because we can ask the significant people all we want to try to skip around our landmines and not do this or that to set them off, and if they love us they may even make the attempt...but in the end we are personally responsible for what we think and feel. In the end, if a person has a landmine, what will really make the landmine deactivate is working on the landmine and learning how to cope in a healthy way, how to be assertive and ask for what we need, and how to deal with the fear and face it. Sometimes this takes counseling. Sometimes a person can just think about it, decide what to change or do better next time, and change their own reaction. Either way, it's not her job to make you less afraid of "body issues"--that is your job. It's your landmine. So next time you hear that term, maybe decide how you'd deal with it better. Would you ask a question? Would you make a statement of one of your boundaries? What would you do to change your trigger reaction?


 @Affaircare there is so much wisdom in your words. Yes, these are “land mines” to navigate. Some are real and some are in our heads based upon our life experiences. I saw her again tonight and told her how wonderful I think she looked. She had a genuine smile on her face like I made her night with my comment. Maybe she is not used to receiving compliments? Everyone draws on our past experiences but things are not always how they appear. Learning that. Learning to leave my baggage at the door. 

Had a real bad experience in court yesterday at our first hearing. However, I left that baggage at the door before I met up with new girl tonight. I enjoy the night for what it was. Two people enjoying each other’s company. 

I also learned don’t post when your angry at the world. Lesson learned.


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> @Affaircare there is so much wisdom in your words. Yes, these are “land mines” to navigate. Some are real and some are in our heads based upon our life experiences. I saw her again tonight and told her how wonderful I think she looked. She had a genuine smile on her face like I made her night with my comment. Maybe she is not used to receiving compliments? Everyone draws on our past experiences but things are not always how they appear. Learning that. Learning to leave my baggage at the door.
> 
> 
> 
> Had a real bad experience in court yesterday at our first hearing. However, I left that baggage at the door before I met up with new girl tonight. I enjoy the night for what it was. Two people enjoying each other’s company.
> 
> 
> 
> I also learned don’t post when your angry at the world. Lesson learned.


There are a LOT of things that one shouldn't do when angry at the world... we say and do things when we experience emotional distress, which we wouldn't otherwise.

Anger, as an emotion, is actually a surrogate for other more difficult emotions, which many men have a difficult time unpacking/expressing. When you are feeling angry at the world, channel that energy into something that is good for you, like working out or something like that.

I don't remember if you are seeing a therapist or not, but it would be worth seeing a therapist to figure out what is underlying that anger and to help you deal with it.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> @Affaircare there is so much wisdom in your words. Yes, these are “land mines” to navigate. Some are real and some are in our heads based upon our life experiences. I saw her again tonight and told her how wonderful I think she looked. She had a genuine smile on her face like I made her night with my comment. Maybe she is not used to receiving compliments? Everyone draws on our past experiences but things are not always how they appear. Learning that. Learning to leave my baggage at the door.
> 
> Had a real bad experience in court yesterday at our first hearing. However, I left that baggage at the door before I met up with new girl tonight. I enjoy the night for what it was. Two people enjoying each other’s company.
> 
> I also learned don’t post when your angry at the world. Lesson learned.





FeministInPink said:


> There are a LOT of things that one shouldn't do when angry at the world... we say and do things when we experience emotional distress, which we wouldn't otherwise.
> 
> Anger, as an emotion, is actually a surrogate for other more difficult emotions, which many men have a difficult time unpacking/expressing. When you are feeling angry at the world, channel that energy into something that is good for you, like working out or something like that.
> 
> I don't remember if you are seeing a therapist or not, but it would be worth seeing a therapist to figure out what is underlying that anger and to help you deal with it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


And this is why you really should start a dedicated thread, so you have a place to vent and where you can get constructive feedback from other TAMers.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## heartsbeating

RebuildingMe said:


> @heartsbeating wow, thank you for this. You are a truly genuine human and I am humbled.


s'all good... the TAM folks (you included) can be a supportive bunch.


----------



## heartsbeating

Not said:


> New experience for me. I’ve never talked with a man who’s been cheated on. B2.0 has. I need to find out how long it’s been, it sounds like it’s not recent recent but obviously recent enough. I was right about him though, he’s not messaging anyone and just looking around. Like me. He noticed me a while ago and says he’s been to hesitant to message me.
> 
> I have no idea what to expect.


You look lovely in your photo, by the way.

Good luck with the new guy... and from here, I will exit stage left from this thread.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> Do you mean no hints about how he feels about you? Can you expand on that, want to make sure I’m understanding.
> 
> If that’s what you mean, yes, I hate that!!!


That's exactly what I mean.

Hey folks, it's been a long week and it just started :surprise: I played the fool and didn't get checked after court as I should have, so Friday I couldn't get off the bed, with a fever that was too legit to quit (totally dating myself :grin2 Anyway, paramedics had to rush me to the ER and stabilize my fever on the way, while I was trying to keep meditating to keep my pain from raising my heart rate. 

So for any of you naysayers, meditation works. I maintained 115/110 the whole ride. Anyways, I went home that night with an unwelcome houseguest - a severe kidney infection that was spreading to my other kidney. So any of you folks tempted to play the hero and tough it out, please watch this fool here and take heed.

I'm fine, just very weak. Sadly, I was forced to withdraw for the rest of the semester, I'm simply too worn down. So, for the next 8 weeks, I'm going to have to focus on self-care while I work my way up from apple and mashed potatoes. I kept my bit of baked chicken today, so I'm happy. Hopefully, you guys have been having a way better time during my short hiatus.


----------



## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> Thanks you for your support...
> 
> man, after 26 months with no sex, I'm going mad... :frown2:


Try 10 yr buddy. Been there, done that. **** or get off the pot. Said with much, much love.


----------



## TXTrini

notmyjamie said:


> You have my sympathies. I went 4 years with almost nothing, then 3 years with nothing. I’m surprised I didn’t jump my boyfriends bones on the first date. LOL


I did > I plea temporary insanity. It's hard to resist the oasis after being in the desert when the oasis is all over you. Bow Chicka wow wowwww.


----------



## TXTrini

As'laDain said:


> Just out of curiosity, has anyone tried finding social groups to be members of, as a means of meeting people? Things like hobby groups and whatnot?
> 
> I imagine this would not work very well unless you actually enjoy the subject/topic of the group, but i find it a really good way of meeting people.
> 
> Sometimes, i read the stories here of people striking out with online dating and wonder if they would have better luck just joining social groups...


That might work for extroverts. I like people on an individual level, en massse, I frick hate em. I get ragey when people are too loud, too obnoxious, too stupid... I can chat people up IF I'm in the mood, or if they look particularly upset and lonely. 

I already have issues when people cut in front of me and then just ... slow... down... It's all I can do not to kick them in the ass and trample them. FYI, I'm 5ft2, 140 atm, curvy "chubscular" I've got some blubber plastering my muscles.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> That's exactly what I mean.
> 
> Hey folks, it's been a long week and it just started :surprise: I played the fool and didn't get checked after court as I should have, so Friday I couldn't get off the bed, with a fever that was too legit to quit (totally dating myself :grin2 Anyway, paramedics had to rush me to the ER and stabilize my fever on the way, while I was trying to keep meditating to keep my pain from raising my heart rate.
> 
> So for any of you naysayers, meditation works. I maintained 115/110 the whole ride. Anyways, I went home that night with an unwelcome houseguest - a severe kidney infection that was spreading to my other kidney. So any of you folks tempted to play the hero and tough it out, please watch this fool here and take heed.
> 
> I'm fine, just very weak. Sadly, I was forced to withdraw for the rest of the semester, I'm simply too worn down. So, for the next 8 weeks, I'm going to have to focus on self-care while I work my way up from apple and mashed potatoes. I kept my bit of baked chicken today, so I'm happy. Hopefully, you guys have been having a way better time during my short hiatus.



Holy cow! I’m glad you’re ok, that’s some scary stuff! Take advantage of the next eight weeks and get lots of rest, so good for the soul.


----------



## Not

Still talking to B2.0. He’ll get a new name here after we meet Friday night. Yep, we’re going to meet and I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s early days and I know things can change on a dime with online dating but I’m hoping things go well with this guy. I like him.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Still talking to B2.0. He’ll get a new name here after we meet Friday night. Yep, we’re going to meet and I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s early days and I know things can change on a dime with online dating but I’m hoping things go well with this guy. I like him.


Yay!! Good luck!!


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Holy cow! I’m glad you’re ok, that’s some scary stuff! Take advantage of the next eight weeks and get lots of rest, so good for the soul.


Thanks love. I'm strong enough now to have my laptop, so I've come to see what my peeps are up to. The plan is to rest, recover and practice self-care. Not to mention the myriad of things piling up on my to-do list.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Still talking to B2.0. He’ll get a new name here after we meet Friday night. Yep, we’re going to meet and I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s early days and I know things can change on a dime with online dating but I’m hoping things go well with this guy. I like him.


I'm dying to hear how this goes! This is how I started with my guy, but it got kinda naughty before we met. I hope this is the start of something beautiful for you! He sounds like he's really into you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> There are a LOT of things that one shouldn't do when angry at the world... we say and do things when we experience emotional distress, which we wouldn't otherwise.
> 
> Anger, as an emotion, is actually a surrogate for other more difficult emotions, which many men have a difficult time unpacking/expressing. When you are feeling angry at the world, channel that energy into something that is good for you, like working out or something like that.
> 
> I don't remember if you are seeing a therapist or not, but it would be worth seeing a therapist to figure out what is underlying that anger and to help you deal with it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


I am seeing an IC for over a year now. Anger creeps up from time to time but I have to control it better than I usually do. I’m working on it.


----------



## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> And this is why you really should start a dedicated thread, so you have a place to vent and where you can get constructive feedback from other TAMers.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


I think I have a couple of them out there. Lol.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> I'm dying to hear how this goes! This is how I started with my guy, but it got kinda naughty before we met. I hope this is the start of something beautiful for you! He sounds like he's really into you.


If lightening is flying between us Friday I wouldn't mind some naughty at all! I'd welcome it fully!


----------



## Lila

I had plans to meet a group of friends tonight at a club but those got cancelled due to virus spread concerns. 

Anyone else here had their plans cancelled because of Coronavirus?


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> I had plans to meet a group of friends tonight at a club but those got cancelled due to virus spread concerns.
> 
> Anyone else here had their plans cancelled because of Coronavirus?


School was just closed for 2 weeks starting today, all afterschool activities have been cancelled, my gym is closed and college has gone to all online classes. Looks like I am sequestered at the ranch for the duration of this


----------



## FeministInPink

Lila said:


> I had plans to meet a group of friends tonight at a club but those got cancelled due to virus spread concerns.
> 
> Anyone else here had their plans cancelled because of Coronavirus?


I was supposed to have a karaoke Meetup last night, but the bar canceled the karaoke... so no MeetUp. The same KJ (DJ) has his Saturday show canceled by the bar as well, so I'm not going out on Saturday. A friend was going to have a Purim party on Sunday, but it looks like that might not happen... or he may still have it, and some die-hards may show up.

There are now 59 known cases in the DC Metro area. I'm thinking I will skip the party.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> I had plans to meet a group of friends tonight at a club but those got cancelled due to virus spread concerns.
> 
> Anyone else here had their plans cancelled because of Coronavirus?


Ugh, kids school closed at least next week. My stbx’s school just closed for at least a week. My company announced employees should work from home for two weeks. IHS just got a lot harder!

I have a singles bowling meetup tomorrow. It’s still on as of now.


----------



## Not

No cases in our county yet but schools are now closed for a month. No word from our local officials yet as to any restrictions being put in place for restaurants and such. I’m meeting B2.0 in an hour. I have a good feeling but I also have my youngest sending me a rescue text 45 minutes in, just in case.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> No cases in our county yet but schools are now closed for a month. No word from our local officials yet as to any restrictions being put in place for restaurants and such. I’m meeting B2.0 in an hour. I have a good feeling but I also have my youngest sending me a rescue text 45 minutes in, just in case.


Have fun tonight! The possibilities are endless!


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> School was just closed for 2 weeks starting today, all afterschool activities have been cancelled, my gym is closed and college has gone to all online classes. Looks like I am sequestered at the ranch for the duration of this


I'm in the same boat. My kid's school is going online for the next 2 weeks then he has Spring break. Thankfully, I'm allowed to work from home. 

I'm actually excited about it. His dad has to go into work so I'm be keeping son here with me at least during the weekdays during that time. Woohoo!!


----------



## Lila

FeministInPink said:


> I was supposed to have a karaoke Meetup last night, but the bar canceled the karaoke... so no MeetUp. The same KJ (DJ) has his Saturday show canceled by the bar as well, so I'm not going out on Saturday. A friend was going to have a Purim party on Sunday, but it looks like that might not happen... or he may still have it, and some die-hards may show up.
> 
> There are now 59 known cases in the DC Metro area. I'm thinking I will skip the party.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


I feel your pain. I was looking forward to dancing this weekend. 

This is a great weekend for Netflix and chill.... Or even virtual karaoke if you can pull that off.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Ugh, kids school closed at least next week. My stbx’s school just closed for at least a week. My company announced employees should work from home for two weeks. IHS just got a lot harder!
> 
> 
> 
> I have a singles bowling meetup tomorrow. It’s still on as of now.


Yikes. I don't envy you. I hear doctor's are handing out xanex left and right. You should isn't no problem getting some of you just share your situation. :Smile,:

If you do go bowling, bring a large hula hoop. You can be the social distancing guy. No one will ever forget you.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> No cases in our county yet but schools are now closed for a month. No word from our local officials yet as to any restrictions being put in place for restaurants and such. I’m meeting B2.0 in an hour. I have a good feeling but I also have my youngest sending me a rescue text 45 minutes in, just in case.


Keep us posted. I'm excited to hear how your date goes. Would a live update be asking too much? Lol. Just kidding. But don't forget about us tomorrow. Have fun.


----------



## Not

Date is over. He’s friend material. Nice guy but he was just cheated on in December and I’m not going there AND he lied about his height! Claimed to be 5’11 but was maybe 5’8. Back to the drawing board. A good sign though is that I left that date not feeling depressed about it being a dud. I usually walk away from something like that feeling lonely but I don’t. Feels good.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Date is over. He’s friend material. Nice guy but he was just cheated on in December and I’m not going there AND he lied about his height! Claimed to be 5’11 but was maybe 5’8. Back to the drawing board. A good sign though is that I left that date not feeling depressed about it being a dud. I usually walk away from something like that feeling lonely but I don’t. Feels good.


That was quick! I'm sorry it was disappointing. Why is everyone so bothered by a few inches? I'm pretty sure the guys I dated fudged their height, b/c I was married to a 6ft1 man for years, I know where I'm supposed to reach.

Anyway darlin, better luck next time. At least you put yourself out there! *passes you a quarantini*


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Not said:
> 
> 
> 
> Date is over. He’s friend material. Nice guy but he was just cheated on in December and I’m not going there AND he lied about his height! Claimed to be 5’11 but was maybe 5’8. Back to the drawing board. A good sign though is that I left that date not feeling depressed about it being a dud. I usually walk away from something like that feeling lonely but I don’t. Feels good.
> 
> 
> 
> That was quick! I'm sorry it was disappointing. Why is everyone so bothered by a few inches? I'm pretty sure the guys I dated fudged their height, b/c I was married to a 6ft1 man for years, I know where I'm supposed to reach.
> 
> Anyway darlin, better luck next time. At least you put yourself out there! *passes you a quarantini*
Click to expand...

The height thing bothers me because I’m a taller girl so I seek out taller men. When a profile promises one thing but delivers another it irks me. Knocks their integrity down a notch for me. 

I’ll take that quarantini lol! Thank you! I’m going to be off work for three weeks and plan on drinking several more! Hmm... maybe those three weeks would be a good time to try to meet someone, nothing else to do!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> The height thing bothers me because I’m a taller girl so I seek out taller men. When a profile promises one thing but delivers another it irks me. Knocks their integrity down a notch for me.
> 
> I’ll take that quarantini lol! Thank you! I’m going to be off work for three weeks and plan on drinking several more! Hmm... maybe those three weeks would be a good time to try to meet someone, nothing else to do!


Make sure you change your profile to “not infected seeking someone also not infected”.


----------



## attheend02

My girlfriend and I made plans for a roadtrip next week to the coast to see the band that was playing when we met.

We are both crossing our fingers that the show isn't cancelled. It will be our first getaway together.


----------



## ReformedHubby

attheend02 said:


> My girlfriend and I made plans for a roadtrip next week to the coast to see the band that was playing when we met.
> 
> We are both crossing our fingers that the show isn't cancelled. It will be our first getaway together.


Its very tempting to do some travel even though it puts you at risk. The prices for weekend getaways are really good. Sitting here thinking hmmmmm....why not. But ultimately I will stay put. Just found out one of my employees has tested positive, I am worried about him because he wasn't the healthiest individual .


----------



## RebuildingMe

attheend02 said:


> My girlfriend and I made plans for a roadtrip next week to the coast to see the band that was playing when we met.
> 
> We are both crossing our fingers that the show isn't cancelled. It will be our first getaway together.


I think you still have to live your life. When people panic and don’t leave the house, they are letting this get the best of them. That is why I’m still going to my singles bowling event tonight, that and I have my own ball and won a free ticket to the event!

Hoping your trip is still on!


----------



## notmyjamie

ReformedHubby said:


> Its very tempting to do some travel even though it puts you at risk. The prices for weekend getaways are really good. Sitting here thinking hmmmmm....why not. But ultimately I will stay put. Just found out one of my employees has tested positive, I am worried about him because he wasn't the healthiest individual .


If you've been around this employee anytime in the last 2 weeks you really should stay put I'm sorry to say. You'd hate to have it and spread to others who are elderly or have underlying health problems. I hope and pray he does well with this illness.


----------



## ReformedHubby

notmyjamie said:


> If you've been around this employee anytime in the last 2 weeks you really should stay put I'm sorry to say. You'd hate to have it and spread to others who are elderly or have underlying health problems. I hope and pray he does well with this illness.


I haven't had contact with him. He is one of the cases in Georgia. I am in the DC area. The reality is I think we are kidding ourselves for the most part. At this point I am convinced my oldest son actually had it. About two and a half weeks ago I left work early to take him to the ER. His temp was over 103. He was negative for strep and the flu. I mentioned coronavirus, and they didn't want to test for it unless he got a lot sicker. They said let him rest at home. We battled the fever with advil/tylenol rotations and he was fine in about 3 to 4 days. Lots of his classmates had the same thing going on with them around the time he got sick.


----------



## notmyjamie

ReformedHubby said:


> I haven't had contact with him. He is one of the cases in Georgia. I am in the DC area. The reality is I think we are kidding ourselves for the most part. At this point I am convinced my oldest son actually had it. About two and a half weeks ago I left work early to take him to the ER. His temp was over 103. He was negative for strep and the flu. I mentioned coronavirus, and they didn't want to test for it unless he got a lot sicker. They said let him rest at home. We battled the fever with advil/tylenol rotations and he was fine in about 3 to 4 days. Lots of his classmates had the same thing going on with them around the time he got sick.


Oh man...glad he's better. Hope you managed to avoid it for yourself...you'll know soon enough I guess.


----------



## Cynthia

RebuildingMe said:


> I think you still have to live your life. When people panic and don’t leave the house, they are letting this get the best of them. That is why I’m still going to my singles bowling event tonight, that and I have my own ball and won a free ticket to the event!
> 
> Hoping your trip is still on!


Staying home is not panicking. My mother is elderly and she's staying home. My husband has COPD. Although he continues to work, his work has scaled back all meetings. He was scheduled to go into a busy high rise for an important meeting, but it was cancelled and the entire building shut down due to someone who worked there testing positive for the virus. Fortunately, the job my husband has can be done without a lot of interpersonal contact and we don't have a lot of people coming and going from our home.

I don't feel panicky. I feel that this is a difficult situation that I'm taking seriously.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> The height thing bothers me because I’m a taller girl so I seek out taller men. When a profile promises one thing but delivers another it irks me. Knocks their integrity down a notch for me.
> 
> I’ll take that quarantini lol! Thank you! I’m going to be off work for three weeks and plan on drinking several more! Hmm... maybe those three weeks would be a good time to try to meet someone, nothing else to do!



Gotcha. Being a shorty, I never considered what it's like for my Amazon sisters. I've never had height requirements, just not my size or too small, I like a beefy man. Somehow the tall dudes like me, but I don't discriminate. 

As you wish darlin. Quarantinis all 'round.









For some reason my link isn't posting *pouts*


----------



## Lila

@TXTrini I read this post on the other thread and figured it was best to respond to it here....



TXTrini said:


> Yes, it is. I met someone I really like, he's made me reconsider not wanting anything serious. Fine, I'm there. Now my heart is breaking because he's too much of an introvert to give me the affection I need. It's the luck of the draw indeed. I seem to be the type of woman men say they want, then when they get them, take for granted.
> 
> 
> 
> I know exactly why too and am not sure what to change. I don't make demands, I state what I want, how I feel and expect a man to do the same. I don't care for games or subterfuge and it seems people can't handle that level of straightforwardness. What you see is what you get, take it or leave it. Unfortunately, because I don't make demands, I don't have my needs met, I'm honestly not sure how to go from there.
> 
> 
> 
> I have no idea how to date, though I'm trying to learn.


I'm so sorry to hear things are not exactly working out with your stoic man. I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm a super affectionate person and seem to attract 'colder' men. My ex husband was like this and it took years to wear him down. 

Have you had the discussion with your guy about needing more affection?


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> @TXTrini I read this post on the other thread and figured it was best to respond to it here....
> 
> 
> 
> I'm so sorry to hear things are not exactly working out with your stoic man. I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm a super affectionate person and seem to attract 'colder' men. My ex husband was like this and it took years to wear him down.
> 
> Have you had the discussion with your guy about needing more affection?


Hello Lila, I need to figure out what it is about me that attracts these kinds of men and squash it. This guy started out super affectionate and all over me, in person he is, but he just does not text/call much. He says he's a man of action and not words, fair enough. But people need to hear the words too! He seems to like hearing mine.

This week has been very hard for me, and a little affection would have gone a long way. I haven't spoken to him yet about it, and I will. As usual, though, everything happens at the wrong freaking time. He's had his son all week, so I didn't want to ruin that for him, it means a lot to him. But would it kill a man to send a text to check-in? Ugh. I'm not texting at all, I won't push myself on anyone who doesn't want me, I have options. 

We'll be talking as soon as HE makes contact. I'm not huffing and puffing to chase him, I have **** to do.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Hello Lila, I need to figure out what it is about me that attracts these kinds of men and squash it. This guy started out super affectionate and all over me, in person he is, but he just does not text/call much. He says he's a man of action and not words, fair enough. But people need to hear the words too! He seems to like hearing mine.
> 
> This week has been very hard for me, and a little affection would have gone a long way. I haven't spoken to him yet about it, and I will. As usual, though, everything happens at the wrong freaking time. He's had his son all week, so I didn't want to ruin that for him, it means a lot to him. But would it kill a man to send a text to check-in? Ugh. I'm not texting at all, I won't push myself on anyone who doesn't want me, I have options.
> 
> We'll be talking as soon as HE makes contact. I'm not huffing and puffing to chase him, I have **** to do.


If you have to chase him this early on, big red flag. I think coming out of a long relationship we want so much to be happy, appreciated, respected and loved. All too often, the other person is not ready for this. It’s okay though. You’re okay. I suppose we will know when we hit a match. Yes, you have options. We all do. There is no rush to get there, but yet we think there is a rush. Reading stories about how people coming off a divorce are still single 5, 10, 20 years down the road makes us want to fit a square peg into a round hole sometimes. I hope your week gets better!


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> If you have to chase him this early on, big red flag. I think coming out of a long relationship we want so much to be happy, appreciated, respected and loved. All too often, the other person is not ready for this. It’s okay though. You’re okay. I suppose we will know when we hit a match. Yes, you have options. We all do. There is no rush to get there, but yet we think there is a rush. Reading stories about how people coming off a divorce are still single 5, 10, 20 years down the road makes us want to fit a square peg into a round hole sometimes. I hope your week gets better!


Thanks, RebuildingMe.

I haven't been chasing him, and I'm not going to start. In my opinion, we're not teenagers anymore. I already laid out my feelings, though I didn't actually tell him I was in love with him. He has to be a real dumbass not to be able to read between the lines there, but I made my interest clear. If he's not feeling it, fine, just say so, we can part ways. 

It's just so ironic that after all his concerns about me just looking for sex and not a real relationship, it's me who's fallen first. I guess I never half-ass anything, it's all or nothing for me. I'm not worried about it, I'm not afraid of being hurt, after all, my ex did a number on me and I survived and am not jaded.

I'd just be interested in how to weed out men emotionally unavailable men ASAP before I get too interested. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to become an immediate priority, but his lack of urgency tells me all I need to know about how he feels about me. Is it too soon to break? It's been just over 2 months, we've been exclusive from the getgo. I'm trying to gauge if my expectations are unrealistic, they might be. I know I am a very sensitive and emotional but, impatient person. Honestly, I don't know how grown men operate in relationships, this is a whole new experience for me.


----------



## bkyln309

TXTrini said:


> Thanks, RebuildingMe.
> 
> 
> 
> I haven't been chasing him, and I'm not going to start. In my opinion, we're not teenagers anymore. I already laid out my feelings, though I didn't actually tell him I was in love with him. He has to be a real dumbass not to be able to read between the lines there, but I made my interest clear. If he's not feeling it, fine, just say so, we can part ways.
> 
> 
> 
> It's just so ironic that after all his concerns about me just looking for sex and not a real relationship, it's me who's fallen first. I guess I never half-ass anything, it's all or nothing for me. I'm not worried about it, I'm not afraid of being hurt, after all, my ex did a number on me and I survived and am not jaded.
> 
> 
> 
> I'd just be interested in how to weed out men emotionally unavailable men ASAP before I get too interested. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to become an immediate priority, but his lack of urgency tells me all I need to know about how he feels about me. Is it too soon to break? It's been just over 2 months, we've been exclusive from the getgo. I'm trying to gauge if my expectations are unrealistic, they might be. I know I am a very sensitive and emotional but, impatient person. Honestly, I don't know how grown men operate in relationships, this is a whole new experience for me.




If he is with his son, he is busy! I know i don’t text a whole day when I’m with my two kids alone. They commit my attention! I look up and it’s bedtime. Sometimes my guy has to text at 9 pm and ask if I’m up for a call. Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m exhausted from the day. 

It doesn’t mean he isn’t important, it just means i have my hands full being a single parent.

Your guy might just have his hands full!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> Gotcha. Being a shorty, I never considered what it's like for my Amazon sisters. I've never had height requirements, just not my size or too small, I like a beefy man. Somehow the tall dudes like me, but I don't discriminate.
> 
> As you wish darlin. Quarantinis all 'round.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> For some reason my link isn't posting *pouts*


Sometimes I do feel a tiny bit bad dating a 6'3 guy as a barely 5'4 woman because I know guys like him are in short supply for our Amazon sisters.

But not bad enough to give him up >

Besides.....he'd been single for some time before I met him so said sisters had their chance. He and I are a great match on many levels.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Thanks, RebuildingMe.
> 
> I haven't been chasing him, and I'm not going to start. In my opinion, we're not teenagers anymore. I already laid out my feelings, though I didn't actually tell him I was in love with him. He has to be a real dumbass not to be able to read between the lines there, but I made my interest clear. If he's not feeling it, fine, just say so, we can part ways.
> 
> It's just so ironic that after all his concerns about me just looking for sex and not a real relationship, it's me who's fallen first. I guess I never half-ass anything, it's all or nothing for me. I'm not worried about it, I'm not afraid of being hurt, after all, my ex did a number on me and I survived and am not jaded.
> 
> I'd just be interested in how to weed out men emotionally unavailable men ASAP before I get too interested. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to become an immediate priority, but his lack of urgency tells me all I need to know about how he feels about me. Is it too soon to break? It's been just over 2 months, we've been exclusive from the getgo. I'm trying to gauge if my expectations are unrealistic, they might be. I know I am a very sensitive and emotional but, impatient person. Honestly, I don't know how grown men operate in relationships, this is a whole new experience for me.


I understand what you are saying. I will only caution you that decisions made impatiently are usually flawed. You can’t rush someone that doesn’t want to be rushed. You have to both be on the same timeline.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

RebuildingMe said:


> I understand what you are saying. I will only caution you that decisions made impatiently are usually flawed. You can’t rush someone that doesn’t want to be rushed. You have to both be on the same timeline.




Truth. Also... this may be just how he is. Period. You’d need to decide if it’s something you can deal with in the daily life of this relationship going forward. I wouldn’t be able to stand that kind of lack of contact personally. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Affaircare

Quarantini's for everyone!


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> I understand what you are saying. I will only caution you that decisions made impatiently are usually flawed. You can’t rush someone that doesn’t want to be rushed. You have to both be on the same timeline.


I understand that. I just find the irony of the whole situation darkly funny. I really hate not being able to control my emotions, but I feel how I feel. It's just been a very hard week, and one word the last few days could have made it better. I'm not sure how to broach my thoughts without coming across like a total idiot yet, so I'll have to think about it. 

Thanks for the input.


----------



## TXTrini

bkyln309 said:


> If he is with his son, he is busy! I know i don’t text a whole day when I’m with my two kids alone. They commit my attention! I look up and it’s bedtime. Sometimes my guy has to text at 9 pm and ask if I’m up for a call. Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m exhausted from the day.
> 
> It doesn’t mean he isn’t important, it just means i have my hands full being a single parent.
> 
> Your guy might just have his hands full!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's Sunday, I haven't heard a word from him since Tuesday night. I want to believe this, but I can't.


----------



## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> Sometimes I do feel a tiny bit bad dating a 6'3 guy as a barely 5'4 woman because I know guys like him are in short supply for our Amazon sisters.
> 
> But not bad enough to give him up >
> 
> Besides.....he'd been single for some time before I met him so said sisters had their chance. He and I are a great match on many levels.


People like who they like. It's so rare that I'm attracted to a man in more than passing, that I don't care about that either if there's mutual interest. I get bored of men easily if they can't hold a decent conversation, worse yet if they have no clue what is going on in the world. I think that's why it was so easy for me to let my ex-husband go in the end, even though the change was hard.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> It's Sunday, I haven't heard a word from him since Tuesday night. I want to believe this, but I can't.




Girl... he could have taken a few minutes to at least send you a text. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> People like who they like. It's so rare that I'm attracted to a man in more than passing, that I don't care about that either if there's mutual interest. I get bored of men easily if they can't hold a decent conversation, worse yet if they have no clue what is going on in the world. I think that's why it was so easy for me to let my ex-husband go in the end, even though the change was hard.


I typically am not necessarily attracted to anyone up front. That comes from a certain amount of bonding....I'm sure my FOO issues are behind to this.

I wasn't particularly interested in my current guy at first, but as luck would have it we just happened to spend a good bit of time riding and chatting. I was brand new to cycling and every time I couldn't keep up he'd drop back to keep me company. As I look back I can see that I caught his eye on day one, but it took a bit for him to grow on me. We discovered we actually did have a lot in common.

Now I wonder what I was thinking to take so long....he's great!


----------



## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> Truth. Also... this may be just how he is. Period. You’d need to decide if it’s something you can deal with in the daily life of this relationship going forward. I wouldn’t be able to stand that kind of lack of contact personally.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He did tell me he's very introverted and has a hard time making himself want to contact others, so he was honest about that. I can't make a decision until we talk though, I'm just waiting for his son and him to have that time without spoiling it. If he's willing to compromise on that, I could consider dealing with that. 

So far, he's a man of his word and he's been a gentleman and hasn't complained once of the distance between us. We live 30-40 mins away depending on traffic and he's been doing all the driving to see me. I'm working on getting my license, this damned infection put the kibosh on that for now. We have a lot in common and can talk about all sorts of controversial things without arguing, even though we don't see eye to eye on a lot. That's huge for me, I was dying for intellectual stimulation in my marriage and watched a lot of documentaries and youTube personalities to get something like it.

And then there's the man himself. Hot, sexy and affectionate in person. There's always been something about the way he looks at me that makes me think he's very sensitive too, but he won't say. I get he has commitments, I do too. We've both got a lot on our plate, but I make time for him. As you say though, I have to decide if I can deal, no-one is perfect. I'm in no hurry to move onto someone else, so I suppose giving it some moe time won't kill me.


----------



## TXTrini

Affaircare said:


> Quarantini's for everyone!


Thank you! Darned thing wouldn't attach. I notice you are a forum supporter, is that perhaps the reason?


----------



## Livvie

TXTrini said:


> bkyln309 said:
> 
> 
> 
> If he is with his son, he is busy! I know i don’t text a whole day when I’m with my two kids alone. They commit my attention! I look up and it’s bedtime. Sometimes my guy has to text at 9 pm and ask if I’m up for a call. Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m exhausted from the day.
> 
> It doesn’t mean he isn’t important, it just means i have my hands full being a single parent.
> 
> Your guy might just have his hands full!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> It's Sunday, I haven't heard a word from him since Tuesday night. I want to believe this, but I can't.
Click to expand...

Yeah, as someone who has been a single mom to two children, I'll tell you he can certainly find time to text you in... 5 days. No. That wouldn't work for me. People who are parents of even babies and toddlers can keep in touch with others on a daily basis.

How old is the child?

I'd only give him the benefit of the doubt if his son is a young baby.


----------



## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> Yeah, as someone who has been a single mom to two children, I'll tell you he can certainly find time to text you in... 5 days. No. That wouldn't work for me. People who are parents of even babies and toddlers can keep in touch with others on a daily basis.
> 
> How old is the child?
> 
> I'd only give him the benefit of the doubt if his son is a young baby.


He's 15, I met him the weekend before last actually. He had a sports tournament this weekend too. But you're right, he should have made time to text me. So far, I've managed to control the impulse to text him. The ball is in his court, let's see what he comes up with.


----------



## PieceOfSky

@TXTrini,

Is there a chance he is similarly wondering why he hasn’t heard from you? (Sorry, I’ve lost track of whether you texted him but then he did not respond, or if there is some other reason it is your shared understanding the next contact should be initiated from him not you.)


----------



## TXTrini

PieceOfSky said:


> @TXTrini,
> 
> Is there a chance he is similarly wondering why he hasn’t heard from you? (Sorry, I’ve lost track of whether you texted him but then he did not respond, or if there is some other reason it is your shared understanding the next contact should be initiated from him not you.)


The last text between us was sent by me, he was taking his son on a small trip and I passed on some coupon info for nearby attractions. I've been ill (I was rushed to the ER by paramedics last Friday with a 105 fever and abdominal pain), I don't know why he'd be wondering why he hasn't heard from me. 

I already put myself out there, he knows how I feel, I'm feeling too vulnerable now to say anything more. Funnily enough, we're the same personality type, but don't understand each other. It's times like this I feel I'm not cut out for a relationship, so much BS! Why can't people just speak their mind?


----------



## RebuildingMe

So I know this girl I’ve been hanging out with is not LTR material for me. However, we haven’t discussed what either of us wants anyway. She cool to talk to, she’s been divorced 10 years and I am in the middle of the process, still living with stbx. She has been supportive of me verbally, but is very opinionated. The issues I have are she has her 3 kids all but two days a month, which doesn’t work for me. Also, when I’m on the phone with her, sometimes she is distracted or will start up a conversation in the background with her dogs, kids, nail technician and a fellow shopper at target. That doesn’t fly with me. We talk maybe once a day. I’d like to have some attention and not lose out to one of her three dogs. Finally, she is of a different religion and background and although I am not religious at all and don’t care, she whines and complains a lot. So, my question is, do I just end it? We don’t really have any relationship status. It is unfair of me to keep seeing her? I don’t want to feel like I’m using her. We’ve been out 3 times for about 5 hours total. We haven’t had sex or anything close to it yet. Not sure why I’d even think I’m using her? I’m not getting anything out of this anyway. I think we are just sounding boards for each other with a few “good mornings” or “how’s your day” sprinkled in.


----------



## Livvie

TXTrini said:


> PieceOfSky said:
> 
> 
> 
> @TXTrini,
> 
> Is there a chance he is similarly wondering why he hasn’t heard from you? (Sorry, I’ve lost track of whether you texted him but then he did not respond, or if there is some other reason it is your shared understanding the next contact should be initiated from him not you.)
> 
> 
> 
> The last text between us was sent by me, he was taking his son on a small trip and I passed on some coupon info for nearby attractions. I've been ill (I was rushed to the ER by paramedics last Friday with a 105 fever and abdominal pain), I don't know why he'd be wondering why he hasn't heard from me.
> 
> I already put myself out there, he knows how I feel, I'm feeling too vulnerable now to say anything more. Funnily enough, we're the same personality type, but don't understand each other. It's times like this I feel I'm not cut out for a relationship, so much BS! Why can't people just speak their mind?
Click to expand...

OMG!!! I hope you are feeling better!

His son is 15... holy ****. The son is most likely messaging all of HIS friends.15! And the man hasn't texted you, while having a serious health issue. I'd let this one go like a hot potato-- that was contaminated with coronavirus. Fast and don't even look back.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Livvie said:


> OMG!!! I hope you are feeling better!
> 
> His son is 15... holy ****. The son is most likely messaging all of HIS friends.15! And the man hasn't texted you, while having a serious health issue. I'd let this one go like a hot potato-- that was contaminated with coronavirus. Fast and don't even look back.




X2


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Lila

@TXTrini I have to agree with @Livvie and @Elizabeth001, 5 days without a response to your text message when his kid is 15 years old means he's not thinking about you two as a relationship. You're an afterthought not a priority. Do you want a relationship with someone who thinks of you like this?
@RebuildingMe I think you need to meet the lady you're seeing know that you're not romantically interested in her. There's obvious incompatibility issues amongst other things. Be kind and let her know sooner rather than later.


----------



## TXTrini

The ****er just texted me. I knew it was going to be today since he took his son back home. So let's see what ensues. I was pretty direct, there's nothing left for interpretation.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> The ****er just texted me. I knew it was going to be today since he took his son back home. So let's see what ensues. I was pretty direct, there's nothing left for interpretation.


Why must this **** be so difficult? You, Lila, Not, me all striking out. It's getting depressing around here, lol


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> Why must this **** be so difficult? You, Lila, Not, me all striking out. It's getting depressing around here, lol




You’re going to look back in a couple of years and realize that you were (are) nowhere near close to being ready to date.


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## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> You’re going to look back in a couple of years and realize that you were (are) nowhere near close to being ready to date.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I respectfully disagree. I’m ready to date. I’m not ready for any relationship, but never pretended to be.


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> I respectfully disagree. I’m ready to date. I’m not ready for any relationship, but never pretended to be.




It’s ok...I knew it would fall on deaf ears. It did for me too 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

So, it was my own big mouth that got me. He was scared after I told him I thought I was falling for him, and he's not quite there yet so he was afraid to check in on me. Fair enough. I don't want to break things off yet, but I'll have to keep my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> So, it was my own big mouth that got me. He was scared after I told him I thought I was falling for him, and he's not quite there yet so he was afraid to check in on me. Fair enough. I don't want to break things off yet, but I'll have to keep my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut.




Ouch. 


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## Elizabeth001

Elizabeth001 said:


> Ouch.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




So basically, he was avoiding you. Hmmmm...

I would drop this one girl. 


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## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> It’s ok...I knew it would fall on deaf ears. It did for me too
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not deaf ears. I’m all ears. Yes, I’m revenge dating while my stbx is out almost every night and met the love of her life already (if she is to be believed). I know it will crash and burn. But, back to me. Why can’t I have some fun and meet new people? I am honest upfront (if asked) that I’m not looking for a relationship. So what am I doing so wrong? I ask from a place of sincerity. I thought this was a personal choice as long as no one gets hurt?


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## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> So basically, he was avoiding you. Hmmmm...
> 
> I would drop this one girl.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Girl, I'm not sure what to do. I already caught the feels. Maybe you men can chime in about how long does it take before you know you want to be with someone or not?


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## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I'm not sure what to do. I already caught the feels. Maybe you men can chime in about how long does it take before you know you want to be with someone or not?


Sending you a PM.


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## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Why must this **** be so difficult? You, Lila, Not, me all striking out. It's getting depressing around here, lol


I don't know. I've decided not to cut it off yet. I was very clear that I didn't like it one bit, he got defensive at first, then apologized. He still wants to see me, I still want to see him. But I'll let him do all of the pursuing now. He knows how I feel about him, so either he comes up to scratch, or he doesn't, but I won't be putting any pressure on him. 

Now to figure out how to close "Pandora's Box" :grin2: Because not being too eager is easier said than done...


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I'm not sure what to do. I already caught the feels. Maybe you men can chime in about how long does it take before you know you want to be with someone or not?


I think you need to figure out what he wants out of dating and see if it lines up with what you are looking for. He may not be ready to engage in an emotionally involved and committed relationship. He may only want a sexually exclusive, casual dating relationship. Ask him and don't let up until he answers you.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Why must this **** be so difficult? You, Lila, Not, me all striking out. It's getting depressing around here, lol


Lol, it's called modern dating. You actually did pretty good. You got to 3 dates. 

I gave up a while back after my last strike out. I wish I could have been a heavy hitter but recognized that I have no talent for that endevour. My time is better spent doing things I'm actually good at.


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## ReformedHubby

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I'm not sure what to do. I already caught the feels. Maybe you men can chime in about how long does it take before you know you want to be with someone or not?


I say throw this one back. This is not a good situation for you. Looking back at my life this situation is the exact same scenario I ended up hurting people in the past, and yes I have been hurt under the same scenario. He has basically told you that he is attracted to you, but is not as into you as you are into him. This means that if you keep hanging out you'll either not want to say how you really feel anymore because you'll "ruin" things, or even worse, because the sex and the company is good you are going to be thinking that over time he is going to change his mind about you and want to get serious. Its not likely that he will.


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I think you need to figure out what he wants out of dating and see if it lines up with what you are looking for. He may not be ready to engage in an emotionally involved and committed relationship. He may only want a sexually exclusive, casual dating relationship. Ask him and don't let up until he answers you.


The hilariously ironic thing about that is, that is what I wanted to start with and he was the one who gave me a speech about not wanting to start having sex if he was just going to be used and thrown away. So, I let down my guard. We'll be having this conversation again, but not on text/phone, when next I see him. I want him to look me in the eye and be straight with me, he's much more communicative in person. I'll be able to get a better read on him then. My ex-husband avoided talking to me, for good reason, I can read body language pretty darned well.


----------



## TXTrini

ReformedHubby said:


> I say throw this one back. This is not a good situation for you. Looking back at my life this situation is the exact same scenario I ended up hurting people in the past, and yes I have been hurt under the same scenario. He has basically told you that he is attracted to you, but is not as into you as you are into him. This means that if you keep hanging out you'll either not want to say how you really feel anymore because you'll "ruin" things, or even worse, because the sex and the company is good you are going to be thinking that over time he is going to change his mind about you and want to get serious. Its not likely that he will.


Thanks ReformedHubby. I get what you're saying, and honestly, I'm wondering if it's not precisely what I need now instead of falling into something serious. I'll have to think about it some and decide what it is I really want out of this. If he never gets serious with me, I don't have to feel guilty when I'm ready for something serious and break it off. The thing about me is, once I get rebuffed, it's very hard for me to get back there emotionally, I've already started cooling after getting my suspicions confirmed. For the moment, I'm content now to let him always make the first move and gauge his interest, and let it die if needs be.


----------



## ReformedHubby

TXTrini said:


> The thing about me is, once I get rebuffed, it's very hard for me to get back there emotionally, I've already started cooling after getting my suspicions confirmed. For the moment, I'm content now to let him always make the first move and gauge his interest, and let it die if needs be.


Ok cool, so long as you're being honest with yourself. If you don't have a handle on it though I'd advise you not to move forward. Its easy to say you have a handle on it when you are thinking about it pragmatically, but its a whole different ball game when you're laying there next to each other in the "afterglow", if you know what I mean. It plays tricks on your mind. You could find yourself feeling things that for him just aren't there for him. I still think you should press the reset button and find someone else, because ultimately even this situation doesn't cause you heartbreak, from where I stand, I can see that it will at least cause you frustration.


----------



## TXTrini

ReformedHubby said:


> Ok cool, so long as you're being honest with yourself. If you don't have a handle on it though I'd advise you not to move forward. Its easy to say you have a handle on it when you are thinking about it pragmatically, but its a whole different ball game when you're laying there next to each other in the "afterglow", if you know what I mean. It plays tricks on your mind. You could find yourself feeling things that for him just aren't there for him. I still think you should press the reset button and find someone else, because ultimately even this situation doesn't cause you heartbreak, from where I stand, I can see that it will at least cause you frustration.


I won't know unless I try. I probably would have been best served to keep my ass quiet in the first place and said nothing. I said stupid things too at the start- I was happy to date and have a relationship, but never saw myself remarrying. That's not true, I still want to get married again one day, if I meet someone who stirs my soul and I can have real, abiding love with. It still saddens me that I will never have the 50+ year marriage my grandparents had, and be like some of those older folks I see still walking hand in hand. 

It's not just him acting/reacting in a vacuum, it's just hard to recount and list everything up until this point. It's been 2 months to the day we met, maybe that's just too fast. In any case, I don't see this being sustainable forever, but I don't want to look back and wonder about what could have been. I'd rather take the chance and be hurt, and have no regrets before I move on. It's how I feel about my marriage- I did everything I could have done, and I'm still being very considerate to the ex, not wanting to see him in a financial mess. I can move on and have a fresh start with no regrets.


----------



## Cynthia

TXTrini said:


> It still saddens me that I will never have the 50+ year marriage my grandparents had, and be like some of those older folks I see still walking hand in hand.


It is sad to have your dreams washed away, but some of those older folks you see walking hand in hand have only been married a short while. Just because they're old, don't assume they've been together since their youth.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

@RebuildingMe, let this one go. She sounds like an utter drag who really isn’t into you. 

Next!




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## TXTrini

Cynthia said:


> It is sad to have your dreams washed away, but some of those older folks you see walking hand in hand have only been married a short while. Just because they're old, don't assume they've been together since their youth.


That's true. I've always wanted a relationship where I'm loved for who I am, and to love someone with all that I am. No secrets, no lies, no bull****. I know that is a tall order, but if I want it, I have to risk it all. I thought I had and was open, but my therapist enlightened me to something I was doing, and I'm working on it. He said I tend to minimize pain and traumatic experiences and do not share my authentic self, and that if I want a real connection with anyone, be it love or even just friendship, I must be authentic.

Unfortunately, a side effect of that for me is feeling emotions strongly. It's part of who I am, and I am trying to learn how to embrace that, for better or for worse. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I feel things strongly or not at all. No guts, no glory, right?!


----------



## FeministInPink

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I'm not sure what to do. I already caught the feels. Maybe you men can chime in about how long does it take before you know you want to be with someone or not?


Gurrrrrrl, he has communication issues, avoids conflict, and it sounds like he is emotionally unavailable. He freaked out because you said you were falling for him? If you're seeing each other once or twice a week and it's been 2 months, your "I think I'm falling for you" is totally normal and nothing for him to freak about.

Throw this fish back in the sea.


----------



## FeministInPink

@TXTrini 

PS I also don't like how this whole thing has you questioning how you feel about this. His behavior has you feeling like you're on uneven footing with him and questioning your own reactions/feelings, and while I'm NOT saying this guy is abusive or manipulative, abusers WILL intentionally engage in behavior that invokes this type of emotional response in their partner.

If you are with the right person, you won't question your own feelings/behaviors, or how he feels about you.

I don't think he is is necessarily an abuser, but I definitely see some unhealthy behaviors here.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

FeministInPink said:


> Gurrrrrrl, he has communication issues, avoids conflict, and it sounds like he is emotionally unavailable. He freaked out because you said you were falling for him? If you're seeing each other once or twice a week and it's been 2 months, your "I think I'm falling for you" is totally normal and nothing for him to freak about.
> 
> Throw this fish back in the sea.


This is a succinctly put overview of the entire situation. FIP is right. This man is emotionally unavailable and he sends you mixed signals. Trying to negotiation a relationship with him is not going to get you the love you dream of. Instead you will always be off balance and confused. That is no way to live. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Yes...you shouldn’t have to hide how you feel and second guess yourself!


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## Cynthia

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes...you shouldn’t have to hide how you feel and second guess yourself!


 Exactly. How is this a safe, healthy relationship? It's not like you are a stalker or crazy.


----------



## TXTrini

Hey guys, there's some pros and cons. At the risk of sounding extremely sexually mercenary. I know he might not be relationship material, and I'm ok with that for the moment, b/c I'm not sure I'm ready for anything serious. Yes, I have feelings, I can't not feel for someone I'm intimate with, but at the same time, I have some serious needs. If he were a more decent man, I'd feel guilty with him being a "rebound man". I've dated a few guys before him, but I didn't like any well enough to continue seeing them in any capacity, except the one who ghosted me. I also am not interested in running through a bunch of man-hos. 

I'm working my way through" Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti, Virginia M. Satir and just working on me for the moment. Maybe I'll get burned, maybe it'll turn out well, who knows? I've become very pragmatic as I've gotten older, however awful my take will sound to some of you. And yes, I did try to whole FWB thing, I got ghosted.


----------



## FeministInPink

TXTrini said:


> Hey guys, there's some pros and cons. At the risk of sounding extremely sexually mercenary. I know he might not be relationship material, and I'm ok with that for the moment, b/c I'm not sure I'm ready for anything serious. Yes, I have feelings, I can't not feel for someone I'm intimate with, but at the same time, I have some serious needs. If he were a more decent man, I'd feel guilty with him being a "rebound man". I've dated a few guys before him, but I didn't like any well enough to continue seeing them in any capacity, except the one who ghosted me. I also am not interested in running through a bunch of man-hos.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm working my way through" Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti, Virginia M. Satir and just working on me for the moment. Maybe I'll get burned, maybe it'll turn out well, who knows? I've become very pragmatic as I've gotten older, however awful my take will sound to some of you. And yes, I did try to whole FWB thing, I got ghosted.


Hey, if you're just looking for sex on the regular, and you can do it without getting attached/emotionally involved with this guy, great. Then go for it.

But you've already said you think you might be falling for him, and if that is true, then this whole situation is bad news.

If you need sex, find someone you're not going to get attached to.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

TXTrini said:


> Hey guys, there's some pros and cons. At the risk of sounding extremely sexually mercenary. I know he might not be relationship material, and I'm ok with that for the moment, b/c I'm not sure I'm ready for anything serious. Yes, I have feelings, I can't not feel for someone I'm intimate with, but at the same time, I have some serious needs. If he were a more decent man, I'd feel guilty with him being a "rebound man". I've dated a few guys before him, but I didn't like any well enough to continue seeing them in any capacity, except the one who ghosted me. I also am not interested in running through a bunch of man-hos.
> 
> I'm working my way through" Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti, Virginia M. Satir and just working on me for the moment. Maybe I'll get burned, maybe it'll turn out well, who knows? I've become very pragmatic as I've gotten older, however awful my take will sound to some of you. And yes, I did try to whole FWB thing, I got ghosted.


Pretty sure you have an idea of how unhealthy this is. I don't want to sound mean, so please don't take it this way, but you sound desperate to me. If you sound desperate to me, you are going to sound desperate to the man that is emotionally unavailable. Prepare to be used and dumped when you aren't convenient.


----------



## Elizabeth001

FeministInPink said:


> Hey, if you're just looking for sex on the regular, and you can do it without getting attached/emotionally involved with this guy, great. Then go for it.
> 
> But you've already said you think you might be falling for him, and if that is true, then this whole situation is bad news.
> 
> If you need sex, find someone you're not going to get attached to.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk




Yaaaaassssss!


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----------



## Livvie

Cynthia said:


> FeministInPink said:
> 
> 
> 
> Gurrrrrrl, he has communication issues, avoids conflict, and it sounds like he is emotionally unavailable. He freaked out because you said you were falling for him? If you're seeing each other once or twice a week and it's been 2 months, your "I think I'm falling for you" is totally normal and nothing for him to freak about.
> 
> Throw this fish back in the sea.
> 
> 
> 
> This is a succinctly put overview of the entire situation. FIP is right. This man is emotionally unavailable and he sends you mixed signals. Trying to negotiation a relationship with him is not going to get you the love you dream of. Instead you will always be off balance and confused. That is no way to live. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.
Click to expand...

I'm going to fourth or fifth what everyone has said.

The phrase - trying to negotiate a relationship with him- is apt. He leaves you off balance. Goes dark instead of communicating. Not good.


----------



## TXTrini

FeministInPink said:


> Hey, if you're just looking for sex on the regular, and you can do it without getting attached/emotionally involved with this guy, great. Then go for it.
> 
> But you've already said you think you might be falling for him, and if that is true, then this whole situation is bad news.
> 
> If you need sex, find someone you're not going to get attached to.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


I tried that, I can't stand it. I actually have to like who I'm with.


----------



## TXTrini

Cynthia said:


> Pretty sure you have an idea of how unhealthy this is. I don't want to sound mean, so please don't take it this way, but you sound desperate to me. If you sound desperate to me, you are going to sound desperate to the man that is emotionally unavailable. Prepare to be used and dumped when you aren't convenient.


Maybe I am jaded after all, it's what my ex-husband did, and I'm not expecting much different at the moment.


----------



## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> I'm going to fourth or fifth what everyone has said.
> 
> The phrase - trying to negotiate a relationship with him- is apt. He leaves you off balance. Goes dark instead of communicating. Not good.


I've gone dark too, I'm not moving forward. I reactivated my dating profile, when I get bored enough, I'll move on. I told him early on, I lose interest when there's no communication. I'm not above playing games if people are messing with me, I'm no saint.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TXTrini said:


> Maybe I am jaded after all, it's what my ex-husband did, and I'm not expecting much different at the moment.




Reading this, you probably should not be dating at all then, right now. This sounds very self-destructive. 




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----------



## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> Reading this, you probably should not be dating at all then, right now. This sounds very self-destructive.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


People do things they shouldn't be all the time, I guess I'm no different. I lived through a sexless marriage for 10 yrs, and my hormones are ablaze now. I've tried taking care of business, and that only fans the flames. I'm not willing to hop on every **** that comes my way, and I've had and continue to have MANY offers. At least I know where I stand with this one. Maybe the trade-off on being hurt, for monogamy will be worth it, who knows? I've been doing a lot of things I never would have considered 6 months ago. I'm pretty much learning now what most people have spent the last 20 yrs learning about dating, so some collateral damage is expected, personally, Id rather it be me, than to destroy some decent man along the way. 

Since I'm going my own way on this one, despite the disapproval, I shall now bow out of discussing this further. Thank you everyone who's contributed to my education and well-being.


----------



## attheend02

TXTrini said:


> People do things they shouldn't be all the time, I guess I'm no different. I lived through a sexless marriage for 10 yrs, and my hormones are ablaze now. I've tried taking care of business, and that only fans the flames. I'm not willing to hop on every **** that comes my way, and I've had and continue to have MANY offers. At least I know where I stand with this one. Maybe the trade-off on being hurt, for monogamy will be worth it, who knows? I've been doing a lot of things I never would have considered 6 months ago. I'm pretty much learning now what most people have spent the last 20 yrs learning about dating, so some collateral damage is expected, personally, Id rather it be me, than to destroy some decent man along the way.
> 
> Since I'm going my own way on this one, despite the disapproval, I shall now bow out of discussing this further. Thank you everyone who's contributed to my education and well-being.


Disapproval is a little strong isn't it? I see it as opinions.

I enjoy reading your threads TXTrini. I hope you keep posting!


----------



## ReformedHubby

Elizabeth001 said:


> It’s ok...I knew it would fall on deaf ears. It did for me too
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





attheend02 said:


> Disapproval is a little strong isn't it? I see it as opinions.
> 
> I enjoy reading your threads TXTrini. I hope you keep posting!


Well...she didn't misread my thoughts on it. I'm not upset that she is going her own way though. When it comes to matters of the heart do any of us really listen to anyone? We don't. We already know what we want to do when we ask for advice, if someone advises us otherwise, most of us respond with our own rationalization. I wish her luck, I truly do, and if it goes south I won't be on here saying I told you so. I'll be supportive. If it works out for her though, I will happily eat crow.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I've gone dark too, I'm not moving forward. I reactivated my dating profile, when I get bored enough, I'll move on. I told him early on, I lose interest when there's no communication. I'm not above playing games if people are messing with me, I'm no saint.


I may be going against the grain but I don't think there is anything wrong with finding someone you like to have mutually enjoyable sex within the confines of an exclusive arrangement. The key is to not fall in love. 

I'm no saint either but I don't think reactivating your dating profile is playing games. It is reality. You're not married to this guy and it doesn't sound like it's a mutually committed relationship. Opening yourself up to other dating possibilities may help you pull back and reassess the current situation (can't call it a relationship) with this guy. 

Take a page out of his book and treat him like an afterthought. Don't make him a priority over all of your other responsibilities. If you have some free time and it's convenient for you, then send him a message, go on a date, have fun with him.....but don't make him a priority.


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## RandomDude

I'm surprised people are still dating in such a time.


----------



## TXTrini

ReformedHubby said:


> Well...she didn't misread my thoughts on it. I'm not upset that she is going her own way though. When it comes to matters of the heart do any of us really listen to anyone? We don't. We already know what we want to do when we ask for advice, if someone advises us otherwise, most of us respond with our own rationalization. I wish her luck, I truly do, and if it goes south I won't be on here saying I told you so. I'll be supportive. If it works out for her though, I will happily eat crow.


Thanks. My opinion is, after being with a man I thought I knew for nearly 2 decades who changed so much he horrified his OWN family, I'm not afraid to take risks. I'm not perfect, I have my own issues, so I'm trying to offer the same non-judgment. I'm not head over heels yet, I don't know him well enough, but it's so easy to be with him. In person.

I just wanted to know people's take, since I'm no mindreader, especially men. I know men and women fall in love differently and on different time tables or just people on the whole. I've only been dating for 4 months or so now, but have already nexted over 800 men on e-harmony, match.com and ******* combined, men don't approach me in person, they just smile and look. It's rare that I meet someone who does it for me intellectually and physically, so I am willing to give him time until I'm checked out. 

He's a very shy, self-contained person, who apparently isn't used to a woman just saying what she wants LOL. He was very anxious when we started dating and I was still waiting on my court date, so I get it. I see people on here saying they don't want to date anyone newly divorced b/c they'll be a rebound and writing people off immediately for the smallest transgressions as if we're all perfect and don't make mistakes. 

Personally, I'm not a woman who can move physically from man to man with ease, so it's not easy for me to "just get sex from someone appropriate". If that's your thing, good for you. I'm not shaming anyone, but I don't work that way. I tried it when I just started dating and it felt so e,pty and hollow, it wasn't worth it to me. Never again. 

Anyway, if it doesn't work out, at least I will know I tried and have no regrets. I feel like I have a new lease on life, I have the opportunity to go after what I want, for a change. I know most of you are much more experienced and can "see things coming" but life is for living. Part of that is making mistakes and I realized a long time ago, if you don;t risk it all, you can never get what you want. I apologize if I come across as defensive, but it's been so long since I was something resembling happy, and I actually am, despite everything that's been going on.


----------



## FeministInPink

RandomDude said:


> I'm surprised people are still dating in such a time.


I know. I have one friend who just broke up with his girlfriend a week or two ago, and he's like, "I'm going to reactivate all my dating profiles!" And I'm like, "Now is not the time for that."

Another friend, who is really worried about the whole pandemic situation said to me last Friday, as she is planning to temporarily close the CrossFit gym she owns and is freaking out that her parents aren't social distancing...

HER: "I have a date on Saturday, should I go?"

ME: "No, you should cancel."

HER: "I'll just move it somewhere outside, it will be fine."

ME: "If you don't want to cancel, have a Skype date."

HER: "Taking a walk outside and holding hands would be really romantic."

ME: "That's the exact opposite of social distancing."

HER: "As long as we don't go near other people, we'll be fine!"

ME: *facepalm*

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I may be going against the grain but I don't think there is anything wrong with finding someone you like to have mutually enjoyable sex within the confines of an exclusive arrangement. The key is to not fall in love.
> 
> I'm no saint either but I don't think reactivating your dating profile is playing games. It is reality. You're not married to this guy and it doesn't sound like it's a mutually committed relationship. Opening yourself up to other dating possibilities may help you pull back and reassess the current situation (can't call it a relationship) with this guy.
> 
> Take a page out of his book and treat him like an afterthought. Don't make him a priority over all of your other responsibilities. If you have some free time and it's convenient for you, then send him a message, go on a date, have fun with him.....but don't make him a priority.


I wish it worked like that for me. I'm very sensitive, I will eventually fall in love with a man I like that I'm intimate with, it's just how I am. That's why I can't just pick someone and have an arrangement. Unfortunately, I'm also high drive, so celibacy is not an option for me, now that I'm free and really want a connection. I made some very stupid dating decisions early on when it became almost uncontrollable and I'd rather not go back to that.

The rest of what you advised is exactly what I've been doing. I'm not texting first, however long that takes, I'm very strong-willed. As far as I'm concerned, we aren't bf/gf, and I have no idea why he even bothered to tell his family about me, much less introduce me to his son. He only met my mother b/c we bought a house together, I haven't told anyone else besides a few friends I'm seeing him. In any case, I'm on self-quarantine atm. I just found out my infection is gone, thankfully, but I'm advised not to risk exposure b/c I tend towards pneumonia when I'm sick until I'm much stronger.


----------



## RandomDude

FeministInPink said:


> I know. I have one friend who just broke up with his girlfriend a week or two ago, and he's like, "I'm going to reactivate all my dating profiles!" And I'm like, "Now is not the time for that."
> 
> Another friend, who is really worried about the whole pandemic situation said to me last Friday, as she is planning to temporarily close the CrossFit gym she owns and is freaking out that her parents aren't social distancing...
> 
> HER: "I have a date on Saturday, should I go?"
> ME: "No, you should cancel."
> HER: "I'll just move it somewhere outside, it will be fine."
> ME: "If you don't want to cancel, have a Skype date."
> HER: "Taking a walk outside and holding hands would be really romantic."
> ME: "That's the exact opposite of social distancing."
> HER: "As long as we don't go near other people, we'll be fine!"
> ME: *facepalm*
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


:rofl:

Wow lol


----------



## Red Sonja

RandomDude said:


> I'm surprised people are still dating in such a time.


In my city there is no where to meet for a "date", everything is closed ... restaurants, bars, gyms, cinemas and all public places ... _everything_ except medical facilities and grocery stores.

Although, I suppose you could go for a drive ... the freeways are near empty, that never happens in Los Angeles.


----------



## TXTrini

Red Sonja said:


> In my city there is no where to meet for a "date", everything is closed ... restaurants, bars, gyms, cinemas and all public places ... _everything_ except medical facilities and grocery stores.
> 
> Although, I suppose you could go for a drive ... the freeways are near empty, that never happens in Los Angeles.


I guess people don't consider talking, dating? It's still getting to know someone and connect on a less superficial level. I prefer to talk to someone first a bit before I meet.


----------



## Livvie

FeministInPink said:


> RandomDude said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm surprised people are still dating in such a time.
> 
> 
> 
> I know. I have one friend who just broke up with his girlfriend a week or two ago, and he's like, "I'm going to reactivate all my dating profiles!" And I'm like, "Now is not the time for that."
> 
> Another friend, who is really worried about the whole pandemic situation said to me last Friday, as she is planning to temporarily close the CrossFit gym she owns and is freaking out that her parents aren't social distancing...
> 
> HER: "I have a date on Saturday, should I go?"
> 
> ME: "No, you should cancel."
> 
> HER: "I'll just move it somewhere outside, it will be fine."
> 
> ME: "If you don't want to cancel, have a Skype date."
> 
> HER: "Taking a walk outside and holding hands would be really romantic."
> 
> ME: "That's the exact opposite of social distancing."
> 
> HER: "As long as we don't go near other people, we'll be fine!"
> 
> ME: *facepalm*
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

While I totally and completely agree, and I personally am not going near anyone and am practicing hygiene to an extreme degree...

A part of me also is thinking, if you decide to date just one person, how is that different than spending time with and even living with a significant other? *Unless you are both quarantined together*, just because someone is a significant other doesn't make that person less likely to have the virus over one person you are dating. Getting close to ANYONE not quarantined carries risk. In fact, someone's significant other could have worse hygiene protocols in place and work in a higher risk situation than one person you go on a date with. Sharing space with or touching anyone is risky. If you (the collective you, not singling anyone out) judge someone for going on a date, are you judging people for having that same amount of contact with a significant other?


----------



## PieceOfSky

TXTrini said:


> I just wanted to know people's take, since I'm no mindreader, especially men. I know men and women fall in love differently and on different time tables or just people on the whole.


I don’t think there is a meaningful generalization to be made here along gender lines, and I think there is more involved than timing. 

I’ve known men (myself, friends, friends of friends, or anecdotes reported here), to develop feelings fast —too fast. Some have been more “typical guys”, some not. We’re all different, and each is sometimes different in different circumstances. Disclaimer: much of what I recall is from 30 years ago, but not all. 

I think attachment styles vary. So do communication styles, and the ability to empathize and to read other people’s emotional states and needs. As does interest in being in relationship with another.

And some people are just closed to any real connection. Or closed to connecting to one particular other (my wife comes to mind, being closed to me).

Anecdotes have their limits, but it occurs to me my wife was elusive, ambivalent towards a future with me, in the beginning. It didn’t feel good then, but I wasn’t sure something better could exist, and I foolishly thought the resistance was temporary and circumstantial. My advice is, if it doesn’t feel good now, then it is a big risk pursuing it. Be open to finding that which fits well, and don’t let any need or want get in the way of it in the short term.

Expect to find what it is you want, and keep looking. Don’t settle.


----------



## Red Sonja

TXTrini said:


> I guess people don't consider talking, dating? It's still getting to know someone and connect on a less superficial level. I prefer to talk to someone first a bit before I meet.


And, some of us prefer in-person talking because people these days can pretend to be anyone they want to be otherwise.


----------



## TXTrini

Red Sonja said:


> And, some of us prefer in-person talking because people these days can pretend to be anyone they want to be otherwise.


People can pretend to be anyone they want to be right in front of you. Otherwise, many of us wouldn't be here.


----------



## Not

TXTrini, If your sick of advice just tell me to shut the heck up ok lol? 😁

Here goes....through my one year of online dating experience which included a 3 month relationship I‘ve developed sort of a litmus test for myself that I’ll be using from now on. If I start to feel uncertain about someone at any point while I’m getting to know them I’ll be doing two things.

1) A budding relationship is like a garden, the seeds that get planted in the beginning *will* grow. I’ll be watching what seeds he’s planting very closely. Are those seeds something I want to see grow and continue in this garden? 

2) This pertains to not compromising on my boundaries, an example. When I had been with B about 2 months he told me one night he answered a call that day, and had a several minute conversation with, someone he was dating right before me. And I’m going to stop the story right there. I need to be with someone who would have had zero interest in answering that call, end of story. No compromise. That’s my boundary on that topic. The person I want to be with wouldn’t do that. Anytime a boundary button gets pushed ask yourself if the person you want to be with would do/say/behave like they are. If no, then it’s just no. 

You have some very obvious “no’s” happening.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> TXTrini, If your sick of advice just tell me to shut the heck up ok lol? 😁
> 
> Here goes....through my one year of online dating experience which included a 3 month relationship I‘ve developed sort of a litmus test for myself that I’ll be using from now on. If I start to feel uncertain about someone at any point while I’m getting to know them I’ll be doing two things.
> 
> 1) A budding relationship is like a garden, the seeds that get planted in the beginning *will* grow. I’ll be watching what seeds he’s planting very closely. Are those seeds something I want to see grow and continue in this garden?
> 
> 2) This pertains to not compromising on my boundaries, an example. When I had been with B about 2 months he told me one night he answered a call that day, and had a several minute conversation with, someone he was dating right before me. And I’m going to stop the story right there. I need to be with someone who would have had zero interest in answering that call, end of story. No compromise. That’s my boundary on that topic. The person I want to be with wouldn’t do that. Anytime a boundary button gets pushed ask yourself if the person you want to be with would do/say/behave like they are. If no, then it’s just no.
> 
> You have some very obvious “no’s” happening.


Hey love, I know you mean well. I'm not sick of advice, I was just surprised at some conflicting advice after reading how adamantly people were advised against dating newly divorced people. I happen to be one, so maybe he has the same concerns about me, he did mention he wouldn;t be in a hurry to get too close to me until my papers were final. 

I still love reading everyone's experiences and learning from you guys. I'm still figuring myself out, what exactly I want, I have some ideas, but it will take me time to sort it all out. 

Would you advise a man looking for a serious relationship to date me right now, as I am?


----------



## FeministInPink

Livvie said:


> While I totally and completely agree, and I personally am not going near anyone and am practicing hygiene to an extreme degree...
> 
> A part of me also is thinking, if you decide to date just one person, how is that different than spending time with and even living with a significant other? *Unless you are both quarantined together*, just because someone is a significant other doesn't make that person less likely to have the virus over one person you are dating. Getting close to ANYONE not quarantined carries risk. In fact, someone's significant other could have worse hygiene protocols in place and work in a higher risk situation than one person you go on a date with. Sharing space with or touching anyone is risky. If you (the collective you, not singling anyone out) judge someone for going on a date, are you judging people for having that same amount of contact with a significant other?


I read an article on social distancing which recommended that people refrain from having sex with their spouse! The reasoning the author presented was that even your spouse could have it and be contagious, so you should social distance from your spouse the same as you would anyone else.

The rest of the advice made complete sense, but this one was ridiculous. If you are living with someone day in and day out, and that someone is contagious, you're going to catch it even if you're maintaining 3 ft distance at all times. You might as well continue to have sex!

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

RandomDude said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> Wow lol


I love her dearly, but she is THIRSTY. She cannot be single for a minute... she goes through a breakup, and she's back on the apps right away. In a normal week, she goes on 3 or 4 dates, sometimes 2 in a night! The social isolation is going to drive her insane.

She's also turning 35 this week, so I think her clock is ticking.

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----------



## Livvie

FeministInPink said:


> RandomDude said:
> 
> 
> 
> <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rofl.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Rofl" ></a>
> 
> 
> 
> Wow lol
> 
> 
> 
> I love her dearly, but she is THIRSTY. She cannot be single for a minute... she goes through a breakup, and she's back on the apps right away. In a normal week, she goes on 3 or 4 dates, sometimes 2 in a night! The social isolation is going to drive her insane.
> 
> She's also turning 35 this week, so I think her clock is ticking.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Wow, isn't she eventually going to run out of new men in her dating pool/ area?


----------



## FeministInPink

Livvie said:


> Wow, isn't she eventually going to run out of new men in her dating pool/ area?


Perhaps, but in/around DC, there's a lot of people replenishment... people are constantly moving here, and others move away. There's a lot of transient people. You get used to making new friends all the time, because the friends you have already keep moving away! 

And this area is very densely populated, and there are a lot of singles people. Sadly, a lot of the single men fall into the dudebro/political douche canoe category. A fair bit of elitism and entitlement.


----------



## SunCMars

FeministInPink said:


> Perhaps, but in/around DC, there's a lot of people replenishment... people are constantly moving here, and others move away. There's a lot of transient people. You get used to making new friends all the time, because the friends you have already keep moving away!
> 
> And this area is very densely populated, and there are a lot of singles people. *Sadly, a lot of the single men fall into the dudebro/political douche canoe category. A fair bit of elitism and entitlement.*


With that said....

This is 'their' realm, their territory, _ The trick and hoarder Swamp_.


All others, not emulating that mold are _The Outliers._
Many, the denizens who live there are _Outright Liars._


This, a code name for political operative.


----------



## ReformedHubby

FeministInPink said:


> And this area is very densely populated, and there are a lot of singles people. Sadly, a lot of the single men fall into the dudebro/political douche canoe category. A fair bit of elitism and entitlement.


I am always interested in woman's perspective of the DC dating scene. There certainly are a lot of singles, although it feels like most don't really want a deep connection. I won't say its because they're all jaded, I think its because everyone thinks they are so freaking important! We all kind of have that open box that says girlfriend/boyfriend and we expect a person to stay in that space and not disrupt anything else, or else we next them. Just my thoughts.

I too have thirsty friends. It sounds funny but depending on where you are in life it can actually be annoying. Its to the point I don't really do guys night out with my newly single friends. I can't play wingman because I'm in a serious relationship, and truth be told its not as fun going out with them. Because if you take your single friends out they are too busy scoping things out to even have a real conversation. Then they make comments about your relationship which is funny, because you know if they had the same thing going on they wouldn't even bother to hang out! Geez....I make my friends sound awful. They aren't. Just human thats all.


----------



## Hiner112

FeministInPink said:


> Perhaps, but in/around DC, there's a lot of people replenishment... people are constantly moving here, and others move away. *There's a lot of transient people.* You get used to making new friends all the time, because the friends you have already keep moving away!
> 
> And this area is very densely populated, and there are a lot of singles people. Sadly, a lot of the single men fall into the dudebro/political douche canoe category. A fair bit of elitism and entitlement.


Apologies in advance.

*cough* Yes, there are a lot of homeless people there but they usually aren't a big part of the dating pool. *cough*

My company has an office near there that I had to go to recently. Out of curiosity I did the same search on Match that I did at home as an experiment comparing men vs women in the dating pool (190 vs 400 within a decade of my age and 25 miles of my house) and got 2000+ women within 25 miles of my company's office. I would assume that the number of men would be significantly higher but didn't bother checking. Even dating two a day it would take a significant amount of time to work through that population.

I can't speak to the overall personality of the residents because I usually go there for a meeting or whatever and then just go home. I don't hang out with the natives in social settings.


----------



## In Absentia

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I'm not sure what to do. I already caught the feels. Maybe you men can chime in about how long does it take before you know you want to be with someone or not?


About a week... :smile2:


----------



## FeministInPink

Hiner112 said:


> Apologies in advance.
> 
> 
> 
> *cough* Yes, there are a lot of homeless people there but they usually aren't a big part of the dating pool. *cough*
> 
> 
> 
> My company has an office near there that I had to go to recently. Out of curiosity I did the same search on Match that I did at home as an experiment comparing men vs women in the dating pool (190 vs 400 within a decade of my age and 25 miles of my house) and got 2000+ women within 25 miles of my company's office. I would assume that the number of men would be significantly higher but didn't bother checking. Even dating two a day it would take a significant amount of time to work through that population.
> 
> 
> 
> I can't speak to the overall personality of the residents because I usually go there for a meeting or whatever and then just go home. I don't hang out with the natives in social settings.


Actually, in DC, the number of single [straight] women is higher than the number of single [straight] men is higher by about 4%... the overall number of single men may be higher, but there's a very large gay [male] community in DC.

But yes, the number/quantity of singles in general is very high. It does feel like you could scroll through potential matches endlessly, and even if you do reach the end of that list, there are new people moving to town all the time.

But... most people use a narrower distance when searching, because the area is so dense and it takes a really long time to go just a few miles. For example, I live in Arlington, directly south of and adjacent to the District of Columbia; Bethesda is on only 10 miles away, on the northwest side of and adjacent to DC. These two places are 10 miles apart... but I wouldn't want to date someone who lives in Bethesda, because it takes a minimum of 35 minutes to get there by car when there's no traffic; if there is traffic or you are using mass transit, is could take as long as 90 minutes. Now, if I'm already spending upwards of 2 hrs commuting (round-trip) a day (which I'm not now, but I expect that will change in the future), I don't want to travel that far to date somebody because, frankly, that's a lot of time if I'm going to see them several times a week, which I expect if I'm in a relationship. Using a search radius of 5 miles is much more realistic and still gives me a lot of potential matches... I might even expand that, but I'm only really going to consider men in that expanded radius who live in the southern half of that expanded circle, because they will be closer in terms of time.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

ReformedHubby said:


> I am always interested in woman's perspective of the DC dating scene. There certainly are a lot of singles, although it feels like most don't really want a deep connection. I won't say its because they're all jaded, I think its because everyone thinks they are so freaking important! We all kind of have that open box that says girlfriend/boyfriend and we expect a person to stay in that space and not disrupt anything else, or else we next them. Just my thoughts.


TBH, I've been really underwhelmed since I've been back on the dating scene. You're right, very few want a real relationship or a deep connection. So many people are super focused on their career, and they don't have the time or energy for a real relationship. And for me it's a real struggle, because a) I'm a plus-sized curvy girl in one of the fittest cities in the country... I'm average according to national statistics, but here I'm the fat girl; b) I'm looking for something very specific (late 30s/early 40s, child-free, kinky, educated, and not a dudebro) that isn't easy to find; c) I dislike dating and meeting new people. I'm not going to say that I'm giving up on dating, but I've had crap luck in this arena over the last 6 years, to the extent that I'm not really looking or trying anymore. 

It may be because I'm only using the free dating apps, and they've pretty much all devolved into hookup sites, or fake profiles. If I went on a premium site, I might have better luck. I'm actually looking forward to the social distancing so I can focus on getting my **** together, and maybe afterwards I'll give dating a real effort and maybe get on Match.





ReformedHubby said:


> I too have thirsty friends. It sounds funny but depending on where you are in life it can actually be annoying. Its to the point I don't really do guys night out with my newly single friends. I can't play wingman because I'm in a serious relationship, and truth be told its not as fun going out with them. Because if you take your single friends out they are too busy scoping things out to even have a real conversation. Then they make comments about your relationship which is funny, because you know if they had the same thing going on they wouldn't even bother to hang out! Geez....I make my friends sound awful. They aren't. Just human thats all.


It's funny... post divorce, most of my female friends were older than me, either also divorced or married, which led to a certain dynamic. We would get together and just hang out and enjoy each other's company. My social circle has evolved, and some of those women have dropped off... and I have found that I am now friends with several younger women, all of whom are single, never married. The dynamic is quite different. The younger friend set enjoy going out [dancing] more and doing other fun activities. They might be scoping out guys, but so am I; and they're all very active on dating apps, so they're not looking to find someone to hook up with when we go out.



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----------



## lifeistooshort

Not said:


> TXTrini, If your sick of advice just tell me to shut the heck up ok lol? 😁
> 
> Here goes....through my one year of online dating experience which included a 3 month relationship I‘ve developed sort of a litmus test for myself that I’ll be using from now on. If I start to feel uncertain about someone at any point while I’m getting to know them I’ll be doing two things.
> 
> 1) A budding relationship is like a garden, the seeds that get planted in the beginning *will* grow. I’ll be watching what seeds he’s planting very closely. Are those seeds something I want to see grow and continue in this garden?
> 
> 2) This pertains to not compromising on my boundaries, an example. When I had been with B about 2 months he told me one night he answered a call that day, and had a several minute conversation with, someone he was dating right before me. And I’m going to stop the story right there. I need to be with someone who would have had zero interest in answering that call, end of story. No compromise. That’s my boundary on that topic. The person I want to be with wouldn’t do that. Anytime a boundary button gets pushed ask yourself if the person you want to be with would do/say/behave like they are. If no, then it’s just no.
> 
> You have some very obvious “no’s” happening.


I like this and feel the same way. You're either all in with me or there's nothing to discuss. If you need to take calls from exes you're not ready to be seeing me (kid related business is ok of course).

If I had known my now ex was still talking to his ex gf early on in our relationship I would've dumped him and saved myself years of his crap, but he hid it. Of course when I found out he simultaneously claimed it meant nothing, lied about the extent, and admitted that he didn't want me to find out. And of course I was never mentioned during their communications.

So much for it meaning nothing.

Too many people try to have a foot in more then one door at a time and I don't have time for that.


----------



## PieceOfSky

lifeistooshort said:


> I like this and feel the same way. You're either all in with me or there's nothing to discuss. If you need to take calls from exes you're not ready to be seeing me (kid related business is ok of course).
> 
> If I had known my now ex was still talking to his ex gf early on in our relationship I would've dumped him and saved myself years of his crap, but he hid it. Of course when I found out he simultaneously claimed it meant nothing, lied about the extent, and admitted that he didn't want me to find out. And of course I was never mentioned during their communications.
> 
> So much for it meaning nothing.
> 
> Too many people try to have a foot in more then one door at a time and I don't have time for that.


In my young, most naive, single days I wasn’t that wise. There was communication (and worse) that made me uncomfortable, but I convinced myself I was too sensitive and wanting too much too soon, coming from a lonely and inexperienced existence. In reality, I wanted what I wanted, and it wasn’t something she naturally and easily could provide.

I hope I’ve learned.


----------



## RandomDude

FeministInPink said:


> And this area is very densely populated, and there are a lot of singles people. Sadly, a lot of the single men fall into the dudebro/political douche canoe category. A fair bit of elitism and entitlement.


My girlfriend showed me this popular TikTok song amongst her friends recently, goes something like "my b---- got a body like Alba, what up dog I'm the alpha, so you'd better watch out bruh"

:rofl: 

*cringe* I wonder if this is just a millenial thing though lol


----------



## FeministInPink

RandomDude said:


> My girlfriend showed me this popular TikTok song amongst her friends recently, goes something like "my b---- got a body like Alba, what up dog I'm the alpha, so you'd better watch out bruh"
> 
> 
> 
> :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> *cringe* I wonder if this is just a millenial thing though lol


Perhaps the language is millennial, but the attitude spans across generations.

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----------



## Not

I want to catch up on the latest but need to go bed but want to share my news! I’ve met someone. I knew the second he walked in the door. He’s a perfect combo of chivalrous/respectful/sweet but sexy/fun/lusty too. He totally rings my bell lol! He actually looked tons better in person than he did in his pics, such a nice change from previous dates.

Everything is closed so we met at Meijer tonight to get groceries together for our first date and wound up sitting in the lawn and garden department talking forever and sparks were just flying! Holy cow we made out right there lol! That was the first time I’ve kissed on a first date, no regrets!

Now I’m not going to be able to sleep, it’s going to be a long night lol!


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Hey love, I know you mean well. I'm not sick of advice, I was just surprised at some conflicting advice after reading how adamantly people were advised against dating newly divorced people. I happen to be one, so maybe he has the same concerns about me, he did mention he wouldn;t be in a hurry to get too close to me until my papers were final.
> 
> I still love reading everyone's experiences and learning from you guys. I'm still figuring myself out, what exactly I want, I have some ideas, but it will take me time to sort it all out.
> 
> Would you advise a man looking for a serious relationship to date me right now, as I am?



Going by what I’ve read from you here I would not tell a man to avoid you. You’re intelligent, sweet, funny and you’ve been working on yourself for what, a year? Therapy right? You sound like you have your head on straight for the most part and what I mean by that is that I think your current guy has you sort of stuck but not because there’s anything wrong with you. He’s the one with issues and you’re trying to give him a chance which is something a lot of us would do.


----------



## Not

Today was my last day of work. We can’t return to our building for six weeks, subject to change. We’re a fortunate bunch and will still be getting paid our regular pays and salaries. Thank god! I do have a nest egg but for emergencies not this! It’s all just surreal.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Not said:


> Today was my last day of work. We can’t return to our building for six weeks, subject to change. We’re a fortunate bunch and will still be getting paid our regular pays and salaries. Thank god! I do have a nest egg but for emergencies not this! It’s all just surreal.


It is surreal... I am leaving a management position to go back to being a tech in the middle of this.

Was hired 2 weeks ago by a different organization in the same field and start the second week in April, finishing my current job next week, both orgs covering my salary though this time.

Since we are both in the same business you know how it is.


----------



## Not

Emerging Buddhist said:


> It is surreal... I am leaving a management position to go back to being a tech in the middle of this.
> 
> Was hired 2 weeks ago by a different organization in the same field and start the second week in April, finishing my current job next week, both orgs covering my salary though this time.
> 
> Since we are both in the same business you know how it is.



We are truly fortunate EB.


----------



## RandomDude

In a month may be laying off everyone and close down, and I myself might be helping stacking shelves at the local supermarket perhaps alongside everyone else. Our national airlines laid off 20,000 workers however so could even be competition for the few jobs left. Surely feels like the end of the world, literally apocalyptic!

Being able to wipe my ass has become an irrelevant concern to the grand scheme of things lol


----------



## RebuildingMe

RandomDude said:


> In a month may be laying off everyone and close down, and I myself might be helping stacking shelves at the local supermarket perhaps alongside everyone else. Our national airlines laid off 20,000 workers however so could even be competition for the few jobs left. Surely feels like the end of the world, literally apocalyptic!
> 
> Being able to wipe my ass has become an irrelevant concern to the grand scheme of things lol


So has dating. It’s the last thing I’m worried about right now. My job just announced we are to continue working from home through April 10th. I fear layoffs are next. Good luck to everyone.


----------



## notmyjamie

And here I sit, making preparations for not being home for a few weeks. Gave my eldest the tour of my food supplies and gave her instructions on how to make it last the longest and serve healthy meals while I'm gone. 

If there is one thing I've got in all this it's job security. I'm curious how hospitals will compensate the staff who end up staying for weeks at a time as they've been doing in Italy? Been reading that some nurses in Italy are working 24 hour stretches and haven't been home for over 2 weeks. If normal pay rates apply, that would be almost $20K for a 2 week stretch of 16 hour days just for me. No hospital can afford that to pay all their nurses, never mind all the other people that will need to be there, doctors, radiology techs, respiratory therapists, cleaning staff, etc. It makes my head spin just thinking about it.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Going by what I’ve read from you here I would not tell a man to avoid you. You’re intelligent, sweet, funny and you’ve been working on yourself for what, a year? Therapy right? You sound like you have your head on straight for the most part and what I mean by that is that I think your current guy has you sort of stuck but not because there’s anything wrong with you. He’s the one with issues and you’re trying to give him a chance which is something a lot of us would do.


Thanks, love. Actually, it's been about 6 months, D Day for me was 09/03/19, and I filed a few weeks after that once I accepted there was no going back. I was in Therapy for a few months, that's on hold at the moment, due to health issues, I got really run down with everything happening at the same time then got flattened by this kidney infection.

The funny thing is, now I am cooling on him, and only replying to him, and being completely blunt, he's suddenly wanting to talk. It may be too little too late, I haven't decided yet, but we'll see. Not like we can do much during this soft lockdown anyway. Anyway, it seems like a lot of men take caring women for granted and chase after ones who don't give 2 ****s about them. I've noticed this pattern in most of the men in my life, not just romantic partners.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I want to catch up on the latest but need to go bed but want to share my news! I’ve met someone. I knew the second he walked in the door. He’s a perfect combo of chivalrous/respectful/sweet but sexy/fun/lusty too. He totally rings my bell lol! He actually looked tons better in person than he did in his pics, such a nice change from previous dates.
> 
> Everything is closed so we met at Meijer tonight to get groceries together for our first date and wound up sitting in the lawn and garden department talking forever and sparks were just flying! Holy cow we made out right there lol! That was the first time I’ve kissed on a first date, no regrets!
> 
> Now I’m not going to be able to sleep, it’s going to be a long night lol!


Sounds hot! Looking forward to hearing how this develops, I hope it's the start of something wonderful.:grin2:


----------



## Not

Dates number 2 and 3 were last night and today, w00t! We met at a park last night and sat in my car talking and smooching then he made me dinner at his place today. He lives just 25 minutes away. We’ve got some serious chemistry going on and had the talk about dating just each other exclusively. We’re now a thing but not a BF/GF kind of thing. The sex is outstanding! He wanted me to stay tonight but I told him it’s to soon for that, my youngest needs time to adjust to the idea of mom dating again. I wanted to though lol! So it looks like we’re going to give this a go. Lots of boxes are checked. We’ll be limited as far as meeting goes because of the pandemic and we both have kids at home part time but we both think it’ll be kind of a cool story that we met at such a time.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Dates number 2 and 3 were last night and today, w00t! We met at a park last night and sat in my car talking and smooching then he made me dinner at his place today. He lives just 25 minutes away. We’ve got some serious chemistry going on and had the talk about dating just each other exclusively. We’re now a thing but not a BF/GF kind of thing. The sex is outstanding! He wanted me to stay tonight but I told him it’s to soon for that, my youngest needs time to adjust to the idea of mom dating again. I wanted to though lol! So it looks like we’re going to give this a go. Lots of boxes are checked. We’ll be limited as far as meeting goes because of the pandemic and we both have kids at home part time but we both think it’ll be kind of a cool story that we met at such a time.


Yay!!!!! Finally, a good one! Congrats @Not.


----------



## Faithful Wife

So my mom was critically ill for the past 2 weeks and died last Friday morning. That whole time, my kids and I were in the hospital with her, kind of sheltered from the world. Once she was gone, it was like we had woken up in a sci-fi movie.

And my Chidi...he is many states away, also on stay at home orders. We understand it could be months before we can travel by air to see each other. We had hoped to have a visit in April but now, no way we can do that. I miss him a lot. We wish we could be there for each other.

So it's good and bad...my mom went out very peacefully and lovingly, and my Chidi and I are doing very well and emotionally supporting each other. But at the same time, I miss my mom and my Chidi a whole lot. :crying:


----------



## Cynthia

@Faithful Wife, I'm sorry to hear this. What a time to deal with this situation. I hope you find comfort and strength during this time of grief.


----------



## 2&out

My relationship pretty much retired 3 weeks ago. I am no longer able, willing to give the attention she "needs" / wants. She has a suiter. I thought I wanted to step it up to make her feel secure and want to be with me. But soon I realized that isn't me, and what I want to do - as a natural feeling, not "work" (insert should a relationship be work by G-power) thing for me. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. I have seen this discussed on TAM more than a few times. I am not familiar or know METOW - or whatever that acromin is - but probably is me. I've been married and burned twice. 2&out. I feel I can love but there is a limit to my effort/ability. 

Am I sad about ? Yes. She is a very smart, desirable woman. But the more things that developed over the last 6 months, it became more evident I can't, or am unwilling, to give her what she desires/wants. I admit I am not up to it. I wish her the best and think we departed not angry and will say hi to each other on occasion. I wish her well and hope she finds the attention and commitment she desires which her recent pursuer might be able to/willing. 

The odd but maybe some others here can relate to. I feel somewhat relieved. I am not now trying to hold myself to a standard I think is expected - or maybe that I felt I needed/wanted to project. I feel calm and now that it has been a few weeks somewhat renewed. The only expectations I have to meet now are mine. Which in my now older age have been adjusted lower... lol. 

I'm OK. Do I think I'll find another to share life with ? Don't know. But also like has been for a while, is not a priority to/for me. I feel pretty good about myself but IMO I'm not so great anymore - I can't bang a babe daily anymore - age has made that not realistic and not important enough to me to take any stimulants for - as never have. I've had a few, more than my share. Then again my desire/want on that could change. And somehow I seem to be able to find, attract, so I am not ruling out if she crosses my path and lights my fire I could expose my ego to deflation... .


----------



## sunsetmist

@Faithful Wife you have been so good to your mom. Sorry for your loss and glad for your kids support. Glad your Chidi offers emotional support. Tam cares about you and yours.


----------



## Sue4473

@Faithful Wife- I’m so sorry for your loss...thinking of you at this time. 😔


----------



## In Absentia

Faithful Wife said:


> So my mom was critically ill for the past 2 weeks and died last Friday morning.


Sorry to hear that... hugs...


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> So my mom was critically ill for the past 2 weeks and died last Friday morning.


I’m sorry FF, thinking of you of your kids.


----------



## TXTrini

2&out said:


> My relationship pretty much retired 3 weeks ago. I am no longer able, willing to give the attention she "needs" / wants. She has a suiter. I thought I wanted to step it up to make her feel secure and want to be with me. But soon I realized that isn't me, and what I want to do - as a natural feeling, not "work" (insert should a relationship be work by G-power) thing for me. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. I have seen this discussed on TAM more than a few times. I am not familiar or know METOW - or whatever that acromin is - but probably is me. I've been married and burned twice. 2&out. I feel I can love but there is a limit to my effort/ability.
> 
> Am I sad about ? Yes. She is a very smart, desirable woman. But the more things that developed over the last 6 months, it became more evident I can't, or am unwilling, to give her what she desires/wants. I admit I am not up to it. I wish her the best and think we departed not angry and will say hi to each other on occasion. I wish her well and hope she finds the attention and commitment she desires which her recent pursuer might be able to/willing.
> 
> The odd but maybe some others here can relate to. I feel somewhat relieved. I am not now trying to hold myself to a standard I think is expected - or maybe that I felt I needed/wanted to project. I feel calm and now that it has been a few weeks somewhat renewed. The only expectations I have to meet now are mine. Which in my now older age have been adjusted lower... lol.
> 
> I'm OK. Do I think I'll find another to share life with ? Don't know. But also like has been for a while, is not a priority to/for me. I feel pretty good about myself but IMO I'm not so great anymore - I can't bang a babe daily anymore - age has made that not realistic and not important enough to me to take any stimulants for - as never have. I've had a few, more than my share. Then again my desire/want on that could change. And somehow I seem to be able to find, attract, so I am not ruling out if she crosses my path and lights my fire I could expose my ego to deflation... .


I am in the position of your chick. Not to be harsh, but I'm trying to figure out how to weed out men like you because I want something similar to what your lady wanted. There are many women out there who would be fine with what you can offer, so I doubt you'll have any trouble finding one. Just please be honest immediately, it really sucks to be into a man who knows he will never be able to offer what you're looking for.


----------



## TXTrini

Faithful Wife said:


> So my mom was critically ill for the past 2 weeks and died last Friday morning. That whole time, my kids and I were in the hospital with her, kind of sheltered from the world. Once she was gone, it was like we had woken up in a sci-fi movie.
> 
> And my Chidi...he is many states away, also on stay at home orders. We understand it could be months before we can travel by air to see each other. We had hoped to have a visit in April but now, no way we can do that. I miss him a lot. We wish we could be there for each other.
> 
> So it's good and bad...my mom went out very peacefully and lovingly, and my Chidi and I are doing very well and emotionally supporting each other. But at the same time, I miss my mom and my Chidi a whole lot. :crying:


Hey chick, I tried to send you a PM, but you're flooded atm. I hope you're holding up alright, and remembering to eat. *hugs* I wish I could say something to help make it better, but shoot me a PM for my number, I'm available at crazy hrs if you just need to vent or want some company.


----------



## Andy1001

@Faithful Wife I’m very sorry to hear about your mother. Please don’t forget to look after yourself at this time.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Thanks, everyone. One of the difficult parts with this is that we cannot have a memorial service for her right now. My mom was loved by hundreds of people who are all pouring out their feelings for her on Facebook...and we won't all be able to be together to celebrate her life. Hoping we can by August.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

@faithfulwife, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. The timing just makes it even more difficult, my heart goes out to you. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

Faithful Wife said:


> Thanks, everyone. One of the difficult parts with this is that we cannot have a memorial service for her right now. My mom was loved by hundreds of people who are all pouring out their feelings for her on Facebook...and we won't all be able to be together to celebrate her life. Hoping we can by August.


I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have a little understanding of how you feel. My dear uncle passed away and we have been unable to have a service for him either. It makes a sad time even worse when you want to honor the life of your loved one and commiserate with others, but it's not allowed. In WA, the governor even mentioned weddings and funerals in his speech. My daughter's wedding was cancelled as well.

I hope this separation works to slow the virus and help save the lives of many.

Virtual hugs to you.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> Thanks, everyone. One of the difficult parts with this is that we cannot have a memorial service for her right now. My mom was loved by hundreds of people who are all pouring out their feelings for her on Facebook...and we won't all be able to be together to celebrate her life. Hoping we can by August.


 @Faithful Wife , it breaks my heart to read this. I don't think anything I say can make you feel better but know my thoughts are with you. 

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


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## 2&out

TXTrini said:


> I am in the position of your chick. Not to be harsh, but I'm trying to figure out how to weed out men like you because I want something similar to what your lady wanted. There are many women out there who would be fine with what you can offer, so I doubt you'll have any trouble finding one. Just please be honest immediately, it really sucks to be into a man who knows he will never be able to offer what you're looking for.


No offense taken. It wasn't me who changed wants/expectations. I WAS honest with her from the beginning and always. For 3 yrs a few times a week get together worked. Then last fall her daughter went off to college. She then had more free time and wanted to spend it with me/us. I tried to accommodate but soon found it cramped my style/life. She would be at my house after work (she is an outside sales person who mostly makes her own hours) with dinner cooked or plans for us. Every guys dream - right ? Not mine. I like/need my unwind time. I like coming home to my empty house unless pre-planned (which usually was). I explained this (poorly after a not great day) and things started to go downhill from there.

Then she met another who aggressively pursued her. Then the our relationship questions started. What is our future, where/what is she to me and in my life, yada yada. And I started to retreat... been there done that, no like these "we need to talk" define us in my experience no win discussions. I thought we had an understanding on our relationship. Well, now things have changed. She got frustrated and mad at me. Reminded/stated I wasn't the only guy who liked her. She called me an Ahole. I responded with sorry - guess I am not the guy for you anymore. Go home and tomorrow come get your stuff and leave my keys.

And yes - I went dark on her and didn't answer her txt or calls for a couple days until she had all her stuff out.


----------



## Lila

2&out said:


> No offense taken. It wasn't me who changed wants/expectations. I WAS honest with her from the beginning and always. For 3 yrs a few times a week get together worked. Then last fall her daughter went off to college. She then had more free time and wanted to spend it with me/us. I tried to accommodate but soon found it cramped my style/life. She would be at my house after work (she is an outside sales person who mostly makes her own hours) with dinner cooked or plans for us. Every guys dream - right ? Not mine. I like/need my unwind time. I like coming home to my empty house unless pre-planned (which usually was). I explained this (poorly after a not great day) and things started to go downhill from there.
> 
> Then she met another who aggressively pursued her. Then the our relationship questions started. What is our future, where/what is she to me and in my life, yada yada. And I started to retreat... been there done that, no like these "we need to talk" define us in my experience no win discussions. I thought we had an understanding on our relationship. Well, now things have changed. She got frustrated and mad at me. Reminded/stated I wasn't the only guy who liked her. She called me an Ahole. I responded with sorry - guess I am not the guy for you anymore. Go home and tomorrow come get your stuff and leave my keys.
> 
> And yes - I went dark on her and didn't answer her txt or calls for a couple days until she had all her stuff out.


People change. You did the right thing by reiterating your relationship boundaries and making a clean break. You were 100% honest with her from the start and were consistent in your messaging. 

You don't sound happy right now but be proud of the fact that you were honest and stuck to your boundaries. Bravo!

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

It’s pretty much impossible for a relationship like this to last long term and stay the same, because at least one of you is going to either develop feelings, or outgrow it and want something more meaningful. It’s good that you stayed honest about where you were with things. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

Things are moving along nicely with Tank, double meaning there. :wink2: We’ve spent 27 hours on the phone together over the past ten days plus texting all day in between. This is not like me, or him, at all. I avoid texting like the plague, I can’t stand small talk but this is different. It’s very playful and fun as well as flirty too. We’re very much drawn to each other. I mentioned the sex being fantastic but it’s not just that. There’s a genuine mutual interest in the person outside of the bedroom as well. We talk for hours at a time. Last night was just under 5 hours on the phone as well as the night before. 

We have quite a bit in common. Music, food, sex, parenting styles, past relationships, religion, politics, life philosophies. We seem to fall onto the same page with almost everything, so far. And he’s 6 foot lol! Had to throw that in there lol! 

His exW cheated (eight years divorced from her) and he broke up with a girlfriend back in October who was a bit of a drama queen as well as a cheater. She didn’t cheat on Tank but he didn’t know she had cheated in the past on her exH while he was with her. He wants nothing to do with people like that. After he broke up with her he began researching relationships and toxic traits, he wanted to know why he was attracting these women. Sound familiar? So between my experience with liars and his with cheaters we’ve had lots of very good talks. He’s the kind of guy who showers his woman with affection and is in love with the female form. He thinks he may be attracting women who see that and want that but have no interest in reciprocating or putting much effort in at all. He’s no doormat but I can see women pursuing him for how he is and him falling for it with women who don’t have the best character. We talk a lot about observing and reading people.

This is going very well. We’re meeting at his place this weekend for pizza and Zombie Land 2 lol! Can’t wait lol! I loved the first Zombie Land! We’ve decided to focus on just hanging out, talking and chilling. No bedroom activities this time. Yeah, we’re going to talk ourselves out of that, see it coming 20 miles away lol!


----------



## TXTrini

2&out said:


> No offense taken. It wasn't me who changed wants/expectations. I WAS honest with her from the beginning and always. For 3 yrs a few times a week get together worked. Then last fall her daughter went off to college. She then had more free time and wanted to spend it with me/us. I tried to accommodate but soon found it cramped my style/life. She would be at my house after work (she is an outside sales person who mostly makes her own hours) with dinner cooked or plans for us. Every guys dream - right ? Not mine. I like/need my unwind time. I like coming home to my empty house unless pre-planned (which usually was). I explained this (poorly after a not great day) and things started to go downhill from there.
> 
> Then she met another who aggressively pursued her. Then the our relationship questions started. What is our future, where/what is she to me and in my life, yada yada. And I started to retreat... been there done that, no like these "we need to talk" define us in my experience no win discussions. I thought we had an understanding on our relationship. Well, now things have changed. She got frustrated and mad at me. Reminded/stated I wasn't the only guy who liked her. She called me an Ahole. I responded with sorry - guess I am not the guy for you anymore. Go home and tomorrow come get your stuff and leave my keys.
> 
> And yes - I went dark on her and didn't answer her txt or calls for a couple days until she had all her stuff out.


It was good of you to be honest. It sounds like she fell in love with you and wanted to see you more. Did you think that if she didn't just show up at your home unannounced that you would have felt less smothered? It sounds like you'd prefer a FWB situation and aren't interested in a serious relationship. You also mentioned in your previous post, she was HD than you, are you two close in age, or is there a considerable age difference? I'm not trying to pry, so please tell me to ****** off if you aren't comfortable answering these questions, I won't be offended. My purpose is to understand, so I won't keep choosing unavailable men, and learn to discern the difference between them and quieter men.

Thanks for being forthright with your experience, I appreciate your perspective.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

@Not, I’m so glad you’ve found someone to be excited about! Just keep your eyes open that you aren’t being love bombed. It’s so easy to fall for... I know I fall for that crap every time, sad to say. I’m hoping if I ever venture back into dating that I can keep that from happening again. 

So enjoy.. but be vigilant and keep your wits about ya. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> @Not, I’m so glad you’ve found someone to be excited about! Just keep your eyes open that you aren’t being love bombed. It’s so easy to fall for... I know I fall for that crap every time, sad to say. I’m hoping if I ever venture back into dating that I can keep that from happening again.
> 
> So enjoy.. but be vigilant and keep your wits about ya.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


For sure! Watching like a hawk.


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## Faithful Wife

Ok this is weird and hilarious. I’ve been checking my mom’s bank account online because I want to make sure nothing unusual is going on as I make my way through how to cancel her income and expenses after her death. 

This morning her account is 200 billion dollars overdrawn!! Not joking!!

It is clearly some kind of clerical error. There are no transactions showing since the last ones I know are legit (and are under $100). So I’m confident the total overdraft showing is just incorrect on its own. 

What a trip! I can’t wait to see what happens next. I had called the bank yesterday to let them know she had died and they said I have to wait 72 days after her death and come in with a death certificate in order to officially close her account. But the guy on the phone said he would note the account in the meantime.

Maybe whatever note he did made this error.

Strange times.


----------



## FeministInPink

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok this is weird and hilarious. I’ve been checking my mom’s bank account online because I want to make sure nothing unusual is going on as I make my way through how to cancel her income and expenses after her death.
> 
> This morning her account is 200 billion dollars overdrawn!! Not joking!!
> 
> It is clearly some kind of clerical error. There are no transactions showing since the last ones I know are legit (and are under $100). So I’m confident the total overdraft showing is just incorrect on its own.
> 
> What a trip! I can’t wait to see what happens next. I had called the bank yesterday to let them know she had died and they said I have to wait 72 days after her death and come in with a death certificate in order to officially close her account. But the guy on the phone said he would note the account in the meantime.
> 
> Maybe whatever note he did made this error.
> 
> Strange times.


Wow! I hope the bank makes this easy to resolve.

I'm glad you're able to take this in stride.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife

FeministInPink said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok this is weird and hilarious. I’ve been checking my mom’s bank account online because I want to make sure nothing unusual is going on as I make my way through how to cancel her income and expenses after her death.
> 
> This morning her account is 200 billion dollars overdrawn!! Not joking!!
> 
> It is clearly some kind of clerical error. There are no transactions showing since the last ones I know are legit (and are under $100). So I’m confident the total overdraft showing is just incorrect on its own.
> 
> What a trip! I can’t wait to see what happens next. I had called the bank yesterday to let them know she had died and they said I have to wait 72 days after her death and come in with a death certificate in order to officially close her account. But the guy on the phone said he would note the account in the meantime.
> 
> Maybe whatever note he did made this error.
> 
> Strange times.
> 
> 
> 
> Wow! I hope the bank makes this easy to resolve.
> 
> I'm glad you're able to take this in stride.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Honestly I don’t plan to do anything about it. The bank can figure it out on its own. It clearly has nothing to do with us. I’ll just keep watching to see if the number changes over the next few days. What a trip!


----------



## notmyjamie

@faithfulwife I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. In times like these I often think of this quote - "To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die." I've seen it attributed to a few different sources so I'm not sure who actually said it. But having lost my Mom a few years ago I do know it's true. My Mom is still alive in my family's heart and your Mom will be alive in yours for many many years to come. 

*hugs*


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## Faithful Wife

Here’s the screen shot of my moms accounts this morning. Hilarious!! My kids and brother and I are joking that she helped pay for the stimulus package. You’re welcome everyone!!


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## Laurentium

Maybe that's some kind of way they "flag" accounts when the owner is deceased, to prevent any funds being moved?


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## Faithful Wife

Laurentium said:


> Maybe that's some kind of way they "flag" accounts when the owner is deceased, to prevent any funds being moved?


It could be. I did call them yesterday to report she had died and he said he would make a note. Maybe this is the note! Still hilarious to see it on the screen. :laugh:


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## lifeistooshort

Faithful Wife said:


> Honestly I don’t plan to do anything about it. The bank can figure it out on its own. It clearly has nothing to do with us. I’ll just keep watching to see if the number changes over the next few days. What a trip!


FW, I have friends in banking. This happens because the bank flagged the account as being susceptible to fraudulent activity and they throw a huge negative in as a dummy number. This prevents withdrawals while the bank works it out.

Contact them with all legal paperwork.


----------



## Faithful Wife

lifeistooshort said:


> FW, I have friends in banking. This happens because the bank flagged the account as being susceptible to fraudulent activity and they throw a huge negative in as a dummy number. This prevents withdrawals while the bank works it out.
> 
> *Contact them with all legal paperwork*.


Bank told me that unless her estate is in probate (it isn't), I have to wait 72 days after her death and go in with the death certificate. (Death certificate will take a few weeks because of all of the issues going on right now).

I don't plan to contact them before then. I don't really have to worry about anything else on her account now, since no transactions will go through.


----------



## Laurentium

Faithful Wife said:


> (Death certificate will take a few weeks because of all of the issues going on right now).


Yeah, I'm not trying to be funny, but, the processing of death certificates may have quite a backlog.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, I'm not trying to be funny, but, the processing of death certificates may have quite a backlog.


Yes and it will get harder and harder to find funeral homes who can pick up bodies from hospitals or from people's homes. My mom went out right before these death numbers began to rise. We feel fortunate for that.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Faithful Wife said:


> Bank told me that unless her estate is in probate (it isn't), I have to wait 72 days after her death and go in with the death certificate. (Death certificate will take a few weeks because of all of the issues going on right now).
> 
> I don't plan to contact them before then. I don't really have to worry about anything else on her account now, since no transactions will go through.


One of my banking friends just shared a story of this same thing, except the thief came into the bank. He tried to fraudulently withdraw money from a flagged account and actually went into the bank to ask them to fix the -800K "mistake" on the account.

He proceeded to produce a fake passport after claiming he'd "forgotten" his license. When asked to confirm his address he first messed up the house number, then when asked for the city pretended not to hear her while he surfed his phone to find it. My friend called the cops and he ran....don't know if he was picked up.


----------



## 2&out

TXTrini said:


> It was good of you to be honest. Thank U.
> 
> Responses added after your questions.
> 
> 
> It sounds like she fell in love with you and wanted to see you more. Did you think that if she didn't just show up at your home unannounced that you would have felt less smothered? Yes.
> 
> It sounds like you'd prefer a FWB situation and aren't interested in a serious relationship. No. I have never done a FWB. It isn't me. Depends what U consider a serious relationship. What I want is a permanent girlfriend. I am monogamous - 1 lady in my life. Just the way I am built. 1 and only 1 that I do things/sex with.
> 
> You also mentioned in your previous post, she was HD than you, are you two close in age, or is there a considerable age difference? She was 10-1/2 yrs younger than me. I was HD on the I guess lower side of. All things are relative - am semi still. But my age, body doesn't do twice a day back to back any more. Was never an issue before but she knew and was thing she could man drop my confidence of/in.
> 
> I'm not trying to pry, so please tell me to ****** off if you aren't comfortable answering these questions, I won't be offended. My purpose is to understand, so I won't keep choosing unavailable men, and learn to discern the difference between them and quieter men. No prob. Maybe I can help a little on the mindset of late 50's burned in past, no want/plan to marry again guy.
> 
> Thanks for being forthright with your experience, I appreciate your perspective.


 Thx.


----------



## 2&out

Thank U for your response Lila. I value your opinion. Yes I'm a little bitter. I'll get over it. We had what I thought was a really great thing going for quite a while. Is a bummer things changed. But maybe this is how it goes with no permanent and "want to be my Gfriend forever" but no ring promise forever relationship.

I am bad at anger. When that starts all I see is bad. I am not good at dealing with. As soon as I see I get scared. I know it's dumb, but my second Ex took a ball bat and beat the crap out of my Jag XKE because she knew it was a way to hurt me. And it did. I just can't go near there again.


----------



## TXTrini

2&out said:


> Thx.


Thank you for the insight 2&out. I'm still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, also at 2, but not out... yet. It might be wishful thinking, hopefully not. 
Btw, FWB is not necessarily non-monogamous or just sex, it is what you make it and sounds about what you described as ideal. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for, there are many women who want that too, and like their independence and separate households.


----------



## Lila

2&out said:


> Thank U for your response Lila. I value your opinion. Yes I'm a little bitter. I'll get over it. We had what I thought was a really great thing going for quite a while. Is a bummer things changed. But maybe this is how it goes with no permanent and "want to be my Gfriend forever" but no ring promise forever relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> I am bad at anger. When that starts all I see is bad. I am not good at dealing with. As soon as I see I get scared. I know it's dumb, but my second Ex took a ball bat and beat the crap out of my Jag XKE because she knew it was a way to hurt me. And it did. I just can't go near there again.


Yikes! There's only two reasons I know women go after the guy's treasured possessions- 1) dude got busted cheating or 2) she's mentally ill. 

But I get more and more why people (men and women) don't want to entangle themselves to someone else. The only problem is that yes, relationships like that tend to have a short shelf life. Gotta weigh the pros versus the cons. 

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk


----------



## lifeistooshort

2&out said:


> Thank U for your response Lila. I value your opinion. Yes I'm a little bitter. I'll get over it. We had what I thought was a really great thing going for quite a while. Is a bummer things changed. But maybe this is how it goes with no permanent and "want to be my Gfriend forever" but no ring promise forever relationship.
> 
> I am bad at anger. When that starts all I see is bad. I am not good at dealing with. As soon as I see I get scared. I know it's dumb, but my second Ex took a ball bat and beat the crap out of my Jag XKE because she knew it was a way to hurt me. And it did. I just can't go near there again.


I too commend you for your honesty....a lot of guys will bull**** and string the woman along and you didn't. Speaks well of your character.

But think carefully about the bitterness, because it's predicated on the assumption that you are entitled to a relationship on your terms, which you're not.

Things change, people change, and I would think a lot of people would start to want more after 3 years. In addition, her kids have now left and you're asking her to spend a lot of time alone to accommodate your need for space. It's not fair....the relationship needs to meet the needs of both of you, not just you.

Of course you are free to lay out the parameters you want, but I'd urge you to think carefully about the extent to which you're making a woman in your life pay for the sins of others. You wouldn't want to pay for the sins of scumbags before you, so why is it fair to make your partner pay?

Take some time to think about these things.


----------



## 2&out

lifeistooshort said:


> I too commend you for your honesty....a lot of guys will bull**** and string the woman along and you didn't. Speaks well of your character.
> 
> But think carefully about the bitterness, because it's predicated on the assumption that you are entitled to a relationship on your terms, which you're not.
> 
> Things change, people change, and I would think a lot of people would start to want more after 3 years. In addition, her kids have now left and you're asking her to spend a lot of time alone to accommodate your need for space. It's not fair....the relationship needs to meet the needs of both of you, not just you.
> 
> Of course you are free to lay out the parameters you want, but I'd urge you to think carefully about the extent to which you're making a woman in your life pay for the sins of others. You wouldn't want to pay for the sins of scumbags before you, so why is it fair to make your partner pay?
> 
> Take some time to think about these things.



Thx. IMHO good advice, and thank U for. I guess I think bitter is not the correct word for. I don't really feel bitter. More disappointed it ended. Was fun. I really enjoyed going places, doing stuff, and talking with her. But not every day. Think I am not interesting enough to fill all that space one on one. 

Space for a woman is an issue "being with me". I only have maybe about 1/2 my life (depending on interest in) available. My family, my century+ house that I prefer to repair/maintain myself, a hobby I like, friends time (maybe shocking but I have a few), and a full time job for the time being that I am not a only 8 hr clock puncher at.

Onward and upward.


----------



## Not

Well poo. I’ve discovered I don’t do well with overly affectionate men. Tank is so affectionate it’s been leaving me feeling squirmy, like I need to get away. Smothering I guess. He wasn’t kidding in the least when he said he adores women and showers them with affection. I want to be able to sit and just talk and hang out without being constantly rubbed, massaged complimented etc. I don’t see myself being able to adjust to this. Ugh. Every woman’s dream right? Apparently not mine.


----------



## Blondilocks

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't plan to contact them before then. I don't really have to worry about anything else on her account now, since no transactions will go through.


FW, don't be surprised to see a debit for her last social security check. My husband died on the 31st of the month and the entire amount of his last check was taken back.


----------



## 2&out

Not said:


> Well poo. I’ve discovered I don’t do well with overly affectionate men. Tank is so affectionate it’s been leaving me feeling squirmy, like I need to get away. Smothering I guess. He wasn’t kidding in the least when he said he adores women and showers them with affection. I want to be able to sit and just talk and hang out without being constantly rubbed, massaged complimented etc. I don’t see myself being able to adjust to this. Ugh. Every woman’s dream right? Apparently not mine.


Tell him that. Maybe he thinks that is what U want.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Not said:


> Well poo. I’ve discovered I don’t do well with overly affectionate men. Tank is so affectionate it’s been leaving me feeling squirmy, like I need to get away. Smothering I guess. He wasn’t kidding in the least when he said he adores women and showers them with affection. I want to be able to sit and just talk and hang out without being constantly rubbed, massaged complimented etc. I don’t see myself being able to adjust to this. Ugh. Every woman’s dream right? Apparently not mine.


Well damn this IS my dream LOL! This is how I am, and a lot times, men are like you and just can’t take it. So I’m glad to hear men who are like me do exist! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Well poo. I’ve discovered I don’t do well with overly affectionate men. Tank is so affectionate it’s been leaving me feeling squirmy, like I need to get away. Smothering I guess. He wasn’t kidding in the least when he said he adores women and showers them with affection. I want to be able to sit and just talk and hang out without being constantly rubbed, massaged complimented etc. I don’t see myself being able to adjust to this. Ugh. Every woman’s dream right? Apparently not mine.


Keep his mouth busy doing something else .


----------



## Livvie

Not said:


> Well poo. I’ve discovered I don’t do well with overly affectionate men. Tank is so affectionate it’s been leaving me feeling squirmy, like I need to get away. Smothering I guess. He wasn’t kidding in the least when he said he adores women and showers them with affection. I want to be able to sit and just talk and hang out without being constantly rubbed, massaged complimented etc. I don’t see myself being able to adjust to this. Ugh. Every woman’s dream right? Apparently not mine.


I can relate the this! It would make me feel squirmy, too. Especially knowing the guy is like this with everyone he's in a relationship with.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This constant rubbing, comolimenting, etc. kind of stuff is TOTALLY different than mutual, smoking, on fire mental and physical passion for each other where you can't keep your hands off of each other.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Not said:


> Well poo. I’ve discovered I don’t do well with overly affectionate men. Tank is so affectionate it’s been leaving me feeling squirmy, like I need to get away. Smothering I guess. He wasn’t kidding in the least when he said he adores women and showers them with affection. I want to be able to sit and just talk and hang out without being constantly rubbed, massaged complimented etc. I don’t see myself being able to adjust to this. Ugh. Every woman’s dream right? Apparently not mine.


Girl...when you’ve been wandering in the desert forever, a cool glass of water is heaven, but you don’t want to move to the rain forest either 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

Not said:


> Well poo. I’ve discovered I don’t do well with overly affectionate men. Tank is so affectionate it’s been leaving me feeling squirmy, like I need to get away. Smothering I guess. He wasn’t kidding in the least when he said he adores women and showers them with affection. I want to be able to sit and just talk and hang out without being constantly rubbed, massaged complimented etc. I don’t see myself being able to adjust to this. Ugh. Every woman’s dream right? Apparently not mine.


So did you break things off? Or are you saying you just know eventually you will.


----------



## Not

2&out said:


> Tell him that. Maybe he thinks that is what U want.


Actually he brings it up and I tell him to just always be himself. He shouldn’t have to change for me. I need to figure out if this is something I can do.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> Well damn this IS my dream LOL! This is how I am, and a lot times, men are like you and just can’t take it. So I’m glad to hear men who are like me do exist!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh they definitely walk among us lol! He says he can’t help it and can’t figure out why he’s like this. It’s like a need for him. I sat down to watch Zombieland with him, he got up and grabbed a bottle of lotion, grabbed my feet and went to town lol! Some of it is very nice but at times it gets awkward for me. Mostly the compliments are whats hard to receive. I think I prefer the physical acts over the verbal.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Keep his mouth busy doing something else .


His passion definitely spills over into the bedroom and I have zero complaints there lol! He’s very attentive.😁


----------



## Not

Livvie said:


> I can relate the this! It would make me feel squirmy, too. Especially knowing the guy is like this with everyone he's in a relationship with.
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE: This constant rubbing, comolimenting, etc. kind of stuff is TOTALLY different than mutual, smoking, on fire mental and physical passion for each other where you can't keep your hands off of each other.


Yeah, being with someone like this is definitely a little overwhelming. He does say he knows he can come on strong so he’s aware of it and keeps saying he’ll try to tone it down. That’s what has me wondering if I should cut and run now, he shouldn’t have to try to be something he’s not for my benefit.


----------



## Not

Faithful Wife said:


> So did you break things off? Or are you saying you just know eventually you will.


I can’t decide what the hell to do. None of it is anything sinister it just drives me a little batty so doesn’t seem like a good reason to not give it more time. I feel like I should get to know him better before I bail. I keep thinking maybe I’ll see it all differently after more time passes. I don’t know what to do so, for now, I’ll do nothing.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Think about where you came from... this may be more a "too used to the old (vacant/missing)" and not enough "exposure to the new (normal)" at the moment.

It can be a little different when someone truly "digs" you...


----------



## Livvie

Not said:


> I can’t decide what the hell to do. None of it is anything sinister it just drives me a little batty so doesn’t seem like a good reason to not give it more time. I feel like I should get to know him better before I bail. I keep thinking maybe I’ll see it all differently after more time passes. I don’t know what to do so, for now, I’ll do nothing.


Well, are you passionately on fire for HIM? Are you not able to keep your hands off him? It seems if this was a mutual crazy about each other kind of thing, perhaps he wouldn't drive you so batty. Maybe you will be fine with it all if your feelings for him grow.

Is he on fire for you? Or is this how he is with all of his girlfriends--- and if so, what are your thoughts about that?


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> His passion definitely spills over into the bedroom and I have zero complaints there lol! He’s very attentive.😁


Giiiiirl. Now you're just teasing us (me) ! I'd totally trade you right now.


----------



## Blondilocks

Not said:


> I can’t decide what the hell to do. None of it is anything sinister it just drives me a little batty so doesn’t seem like a good reason to not give it more time. I feel like I should get to know him better before I bail. I keep thinking maybe I’ll see it all differently after more time passes. I don’t know what to do so, for now, I’ll do nothing.


I call this 'the teddy bear syndrome'. You're his real life teddy bear. My husband was the same way when I first met him. Had to gently explain that I wasn't used to being touched that much and asked him to cool it a bit. He stepped it down some and I upped my tolerance level. After a while it evened out. Try reaching out to him (more than usual) and touching him. I think it's a combo of wanting that human touch and insecurities.

It can also be seen as a red flag. It sounds like he's encountered problems in the past because of this behavior. Keep an eye out and note his progress.


----------



## Not

Thanks for the advice everyone. Tank and I talk a lot all the time so it will be an easy thing to bring this up again. For all I know it could be like EB says, it could be me not being used to this level of affection because of what I’ve come from, rock bottom. Actually Tank mentions that, says I deserved better. I really don’t know if he’s normal or over the top. I have no yardstick. My exH wasn’t anything like this and B was, just not as intensely, and that’s all I’ve got to go on.

We do have some fantastic fireworks physically and connect really well mentally. I have no idea if it’s him or me.


----------



## Not

Just checking in. Our state has extended the stay at home order till April 20th. People complain a lot about being stuck in the house so much but it hasn’t been that big a change for me. I wasn’t doing anything ever anyway, like all winter lol! So I’m coping with being cooped up pretty well.

I do wonder about the TP shortage. What the heck is happening? It almost seems as if there have to be people stalking the stores on a daily basis and wiping each and every store out of TP stock every single day. Or there are no deliveries of TP going out anywhere at all. It’s the strangest thing. Thank god I had just bought clorox wipes and TP right before all of this started.

I‘ve been going for drives to get out of the house. I don’t leave my car so no possibility of transmission. Today was beautiful, 79 degrees. Went for a long drive with the top open soaking up some sun. With my iced coffee and my music playing it felt pretty close to a normal pre-pandemic day, soooo nice.

I’m still seeing Tank. He’ll stop by on his way home from work and have dinner with me and hang out for a little bit. I’m discovering this man is very observant and will call me out on my BS. We’ve had some intense discussions lately addressing my issues with his level of affection. I‘ve discovered I‘ll look for or invent reasons why things won’t work once things start to get intimate on an emotional level. I get skittish and tend to want to bail and run away from the risk involved with becoming attached to someone.

He pushed hard on this topic and I’m glad he did because I’m doing things I’m not even aware I’m doing. For instance, he said I seem like I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and he’s right, I’m constantly preparing myself for the end and I explain it away to myself as if it’s a non compatibility issue. I even told him I’d understand if he wanted to bail on me because of the way I am and he pointed that out as another example of what I do to avoid having to put myself out there and show affection. He’s right again. Showing affection means things are getting serious which leads to people getting hurt so affection has become a negative thing for me. So much so that I freeze and literally want to physically remove myself from his presence. Pretty messed up. He’s nuts, he still wants to continue getting to know me but acknowledges he’s taking a huge risk with me and it scares the crap out of him. I wouldn’t date me, no way, at least not at this time. He’s going in eyes wide open though, he knows what he’s getting into which tells me he sees something in me he likes which in turn makes me appreciate him. What a mess though.


----------



## Blondilocks

Not said:


> I get skittish and tend to want to bail and run away from the risk involved with becoming attached to someone.


Keep in mind that you just met him on March 19th. That's only 19 days ago. If you feel that you are being rushed into a relationship, then listen to your gut. Skepticism at this stage is normal. You two are just getting to know one another so you will not be totally comfortable going all in right now. 

Unless he is a trained therapist, he can cool it with the amateur psychology diagnosing. That can be used as a manipulation tool.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Blondilocks said:


> Keep in mind that you just met him on March 19th. That's only 19 days ago. If you feel that you are being rushed into a relationship, then listen to your gut. Skepticism at this stage is normal. You two are just getting to know one another so you will not be totally comfortable going all in right now.
> 
> *Unless he is a trained therapist, he can cool it with the amateur psychology diagnosing. That can be used as a manipulation tool.*



^^^^This....I am not at all saying she should run, but we all have our quirks. There are some things about myself that I would like to change, or that I am willing to compromise on. But for the most part I am me and whomever I am with just needs to accept that. I am a little worried that @Not is finding fault in herself for things that are normal for the most part. We have protection mechanisms for a reason. You really shouldn't let your guard down completely for someone you haven't even been seeing for three full weeks yet. You guys are still getting to know each other. 

Be cautious here. Don't go changing yourself just because he says so. IMO he hasn't been in your life long enough to be as opinionated as he is. Lastly, remember that you are a prize too. You are worth pursuing. I guess I am saying that because in your post you seem to be downplaying yourself a bit. But....then again I don't really know you. So I could be misreading.


----------



## Blondilocks

ReformedHubby said:


> IMO he hasn't been in your life long enough to be as opinionated as he is.


Exactly! He has her second-guessing herself. I'll keep the rest of my thoughts to myself.


----------



## attheend02

Man... this is such a tough crowd.

I say enjoy it while its there.


----------



## bkyln309

I say dont listen to the critics. Enjoy it. Take it one day at a time. If you want to change, change. If you dont, dont. But it sounds like he is only pointing things out, you already know you need to change. Its up to you what you do with it.

Relax and dont take the relationship too seriously right now. Just enjoy it for what it is. You have time to let it develop both for the good and bad.

Its too early to tell if it will work out or not. Dont miss the blessing of today over analyzing the relationship that could develop tomorrow. Too many people pick apart the people they date finding flags at every turn. I say that is a bigger red flag than the person they are dating. 
Dating is a time to explore and enjoy. Do that and time will tell if Tank is the person for you or not.


----------



## Not

Blondilocks said:


> Keep in mind that you just met him on March 19th. That's only 19 days ago. If you feel that you are being rushed into a relationship, then listen to your gut. Skepticism at this stage is normal. You two are just getting to know one another so you will not be totally comfortable going all in right now.
> 
> Unless he is a trained therapist, he can cool it with the amateur psychology diagnosing. That can be used as a manipulation tool.



Thanks Blondi. I don’t think my level of discomfort is typical. I can’t even hold the guys hand without feeling like holding hands means things are moving way to fast. I should be able able to be at ease with something so simple and harmless. And this isn’t him diagnosing me, it’s him seeing me tense up and wondering what’s wrong and asking me about it. I’d rather he ask than act as if things didn’t suddenly get awkward just because he reached out to hold my hand on a walk.


----------



## Not

bkyln309 said:


> I say dont listen to the critics. Enjoy it. Take it one day at a time. If you want to change, change. If you dont, dont. But it sounds like he is only pointing things out, you already know you need to change. Its up to you what you do with it.
> 
> Relax and dont take the relationship too seriously right now. Just enjoy it for what it is. You have time to let it develop both for the good and bad.
> 
> Its too early to tell if it will work out or not. Dont miss the blessing of today over analyzing the relationship that could develop tomorrow. Too many people pick apart the people they date finding flags at every turn. I say that is a bigger red flag than the person they are dating.
> Dating is a time to explore and enjoy. Do that and time will tell if Tank is the person for you or not.


And that’s exactly what I’m doing, over analyzing to the point I want to give up before we can continue to get to know each other. With sex I’m perfectly fine but cuddling after or talks after, anything that can lead to getting closer personally, has me shutting down. I need to chill the hell out and do like you say, just enjoy it for what it is. And I agree, what I’m doing is a big red flag.


----------



## Not

ReformedHubby said:


> ^^^^This....I am not at all saying she should run, but we all have our quirks. There are some things about myself that I would like to change, or that I am willing to compromise on. But for the most part I am me and whomever I am with just needs to accept that. I am a little worried that @Not is finding fault in herself for things that are normal for the most part. We have protection mechanisms for a reason. You really shouldn't let your guard down completely for someone you haven't even been seeing for three full weeks yet. You guys are still getting to know each other.
> 
> Be cautious here. Don't go changing yourself just because he says so. IMO he hasn't been in your life long enough to be as opinionated as he is. Lastly, remember that you are a prize too. You are worth pursuing. I guess I am saying that because in your post you seem to be downplaying yourself a bit. But....then again I don't really know you. So I could be misreading.


Thanks RH. My background is slightly messed up. Married for 25 years to an emotionally abusive chronic liar who needed to constantly knock me down in order to feel good about himself, among other things. I don’t trust easily and never really learned how to connect with someone on a deeper level. I tend to keep things at a surface level. Going any further than that takes me to a place I’ve never been and it’s a bit terrifying, a complete unknown.


----------



## lifeistooshort

ReformedHubby said:


> ^^^^This....I am not at all saying she should run, but we all have our quirks. There are some things about myself that I would like to change, or that I am willing to compromise on. But for the most part I am me and whomever I am with just needs to accept that. I am a little worried that @Not is finding fault in herself for things that are normal for the most part. We have protection mechanisms for a reason. You really shouldn't let your guard down completely for someone you haven't even been seeing for three full weeks yet. You guys are still getting to know each other.
> 
> Be cautious here. Don't go changing yourself just because he says so. IMO he hasn't been in your life long enough to be as opinionated as he is. Lastly, remember that you are a prize too. You are worth pursuing. I guess I am saying that because in your post you seem to be downplaying yourself a bit. But....then again I don't really know you. So I could be misreading.


I agree. In looking back on the development of my relationship with my ex I can see that he love bombed me, which masked how incredibly phony and lacking in integrity he was. I was not in a position after leaving my kids abusive father to make good judgements.

When you're still scarred from an abuser anyone who's not a complete asshole looks good.

I had a lot of therapy toward the end of my marriage to the phony and feel like I'm in a much better position to make judgments now. And one thing I really love about my current relationship is that he's never pushed me for anything and I don't push him. We mesh with each one of us behaving as we really are. I feel free to be myself and I hope he does as well.

That's the key. The fact that this guy feels he has to push tells me that you're not compatible right now. Maybe at a later date you could be, but you're not now.

If he wasn't pushing and you were asking yourself questions of your own accord that would be different.

Just something to think about.


----------



## Not

lifeistooshort said:


> snipped
> 
> That's the key. The fact that this guy feels he has to push tells me that you're not compatible right now. Maybe at a later date you could be, but you're not now.
> 
> If he wasn't pushing and you were asking yourself questions of your own accord that would be different.
> 
> Just something to think about.


You make a good point but I feel like there’s one thing being over looked, his right to decide what he wants. He needs to know if I’m someone he wants to continue seeing and I feel he has an absolute right to the information required in order for him to figure that out. If I began dating someone who I suspected was still deeply in love with his ex I’d be asking some hard questions and I’d definitely be pushing for some answers. If he refused to answer or talk about it at all I’d run away instantly. Tank suspected an inability or fear of connecting with another person, that’s a huge deal and is definitely something he has a right to know for his own protection.


----------



## Blondilocks

I guess I just don't understand the urgency.

One thing I have noticed about you is you feel the need to defend the guys you are dating. You glossed over the concerns posted about B, too. Tank may turn out to be the best thing since sliced bread; but, will it hurt to let the relationship develop naturally in its own time?


----------



## Tilted 1

Blondilocks said:


> Exactly! He has her second-guessing herself. I'll keep the rest of my thoughts to myself.


Why?, Blondi knowledge is good.


----------



## Blondilocks

Tilted 1 said:


> Why?, Blondi knowledge is good.


Self-knowledge is good. At this point, the OP doesn't really know if her discoveries about herself are true or manifestations of manipulation. 

Take the hand-holding situation. She feels she should be able to do something as simple as holding his hand and feels she is lacking in this area. The truth is she just isn't comfortable at this stage of the relationship to hold his hand. It doesn't mean she is deficient; it just means she isn't comfortable with this type of affection, yet. It may be a case of she doesn't like holding hands (not everyone does) or a case of she doesn't like holding* his* hand. This relationship has been pedal to the metal since day 1. If she is feeling overwhelmed, she has reason to.


----------



## minimalME

I've only skimmed Not's posts so I could be wrong, but aren't they having sex already?

So, all these issues/problems are now coming up _after_ sex? 

Sex is okay, but no hand holding? 

Crazy me. It all seems backwards. 🙃




Blondilocks said:


> Self-knowledge is good. At this point, the OP doesn't really know if her discoveries about herself are true or manifestations of manipulation.
> 
> Take the hand-holding situation. She feels she should be able to do something as simple as holding his hand and feels she is lacking in this area. The truth is she just isn't comfortable at this stage of the relationship to hold his hand. It doesn't mean she is deficient; it just means she isn't comfortable with this type of affection, yet. It may be a case of she doesn't like holding hands (not everyone does) or a case of she doesn't like holding* his* hand. This relationship has been pedal to the metal since day 1. If she is feeling overwhelmed, she has reason to.


----------



## Blondilocks

minimalME said:


> I've only skimmed Not's posts so I could be wrong, but aren't they having sex already?
> 
> So, all these issues/problems are now coming up _after_ sex?
> 
> Sex is okay, but no hand holding?
> 
> Crazy me. It all seems backwards. 🙃


Yes, yes, yes, yes. Pedal to the metal.


----------



## Livvie

Blondilocks said:


> Yes, yes, yes, yes. Pedal to the metal.


Maybe if he wasn't doing so much rubbing, massaging, complementing, and now needing to talk so much about it all, she wouldn't have those feelings about holding his hand!


----------



## attheend02

Blondilocks said:


> Self-knowledge is good. At this point, the OP doesn't really know if her discoveries about herself are true or manifestations of manipulation.
> 
> Take the hand-holding situation. She feels she should be able to do something as simple as holding his hand and feels she is lacking in this area. The truth is she just isn't comfortable at this stage of the relationship to hold his hand. It doesn't mean she is deficient; it just means she isn't comfortable with this type of affection, yet. It may be a case of she doesn't like holding hands (not everyone does) or a case of she doesn't like holding* his* hand. This relationship has been pedal to the metal since day 1. If she is feeling overwhelmed, she has reason to.


I agree with this, 
That doesn't mean that the problem is him, though, which is what I got from previous posts.


----------



## Not

Blondilocks said:


> I guess I just don't understand the urgency.
> 
> One thing I have noticed about you is you feel the need to defend the guys you are dating. You glossed over the concerns posted about B, too. Tank may turn out to be the best thing since sliced bread; but, will it hurt to let the relationship develop naturally in its own time?


I’m not sure about the glossing over thing with B because I don’t know exactly what you mean without knowing which of those older posts you’re referring to.

I’m also not sure why you say we’re rushing things?? Talking about important points to figure out where we want this to go is not rushing things. I don’t think we’re doing anything different than other people who are dating do at this point in time. We’re getting to know each other. We aren’t introducing each other to friends or family or professing undying devotion to one another. Maybe my history has you concerned that my ability to judge a situation with a man is flat out broken? 

And as for the speed at which sex occurred, mentioned in another post, yep that’s something extremely important to me. I’ve experienced to much disaster in that area so I prefer to get that figured out ASAP. No way will I waste time with someone who’s clueless or inept in the bedroom, been there and won’t do it again. Tank and I both needed to know we were good to go in that department.


----------



## Not

Blondilocks said:


> Self-knowledge is good. At this point, the OP doesn't really know if her discoveries about herself are true or manifestations of manipulation.
> 
> Take the hand-holding situation. She feels she should be able to do something as simple as holding his hand and feels she is lacking in this area. The truth is she just isn't comfortable at this stage of the relationship to hold his hand. It doesn't mean she is deficient; it just means she isn't comfortable with this type of affection, yet. It may be a case of she doesn't like holding hands (not everyone does) or a case of she doesn't like holding* his* hand. This relationship has been pedal to the metal since day 1. If she is feeling overwhelmed, she has reason to.


Actually I do know these points are true. This is something I’ve been looking at for quite some time, before I knew Tank. I started a thread in the Men’s Clubhouse a few months back asking a question to the men that’s related to my thoughts on all of this. I feel totally inept at some things and got to where I just avoided these issues altogether, hence me cancelling my dates so often or just not dating at all. Life got much easier but very lonely.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Hmmm....I did say that she shouldn't r


Not said:


> Thanks Blondi. I don’t think my level of discomfort is typical. I can’t even hold the guys hand without feeling like holding hands means things are moving way to fast. I should be able able to be at ease with something so simple and harmless. And this isn’t him diagnosing me, it’s him seeing me tense up and wondering what’s wrong and asking me about it. I’d rather he ask than act as if things didn’t suddenly get awkward just because he reached out to hold my hand on a walk.


Yeah, this makes me understand where is coming from.


Blondilocks said:


> Self-knowledge is good. At this point, the OP doesn't really know if her discoveries about herself are true or manifestations of manipulation.
> 
> Take the hand-holding situation. She feels she should be able to do something as simple as holding his hand and feels she is lacking in this area. The truth is she just isn't comfortable at this stage of the relationship to hold his hand. It doesn't mean she is deficient; it just means she isn't comfortable with this type of affection, yet. It may be a case of she doesn't like holding hands (not everyone does) or a case of she doesn't like holding* his* hand. This relationship has been pedal to the metal since day 1. If she is feeling overwhelmed, she has reason to.



^^^ This. Ding ding ding, winner winner , chicken dinner. For all of those that think she should just relax, and go with it, and "just have fun". I question if you have really been just out of a marriage. It simply isn't possible to go with the flow, you might think it is, but when you look back at your life and the decisions you made. You'll realize you weren't ready. 

Even if your marriage ended on decent terms, you'll still be carrying baggage. Its not really a lesson that advice can teach you. You simply need to live it. But...a laissez faire attitude is not the way to go about it IMO. I didn't tell her to dump the dude. I only wanted her to be cautious. Because to me it looks like he is on a pedestal and she is downplaying herself. My advice is gender neutral. I guess I feel if she was a guy we'd be saying alpha up.


----------



## jlg07

Not said:


> And that’s exactly what I’m doing, over analyzing to the point I want to give up before we can continue to get to know each other. With sex I’m perfectly fine but cuddling after or talks after, anything that can lead to getting closer personally, has me shutting down. I need to chill the hell out and do like you say, just enjoy it for what it is. And I agree, what I’m doing is a big red flag.


So having SEX is ok and not that intimate, but HOLDING HANDS is? ?????? Umm, WHAT???? If this is the case, no wonder he is a bit confused...

When I was reading some of your comments, I was wondering to myself if you were trying to self-sabotage. You were REALLY into it, and then BAM -- he's too physical and touchy.
* I am NOT saying that you need to accept that if it is way beyond your comfort level (so please don't interpret any of this like that), but it IS new to you and something you MAY learn to enjoy. * Part of ANY relationship is that you can grow to enjoy new things that maybe you weren't comfortable with or knew about before.

HE acts like he does, you act like you do. It will come to some sort of quiescent point after you've been together for a while. You will reach a normal point for the both of you if you give it enough time.

I'd hate for you to miss out on something that could be GREAT for you because you pulled the trigger too quickly.


----------



## Blondilocks

Not said:


> ’m not sure about the glossing over thing with B because I don’t know exactly what you mean without knowing which of those older posts you’re referring to.


I didn't go back to check; but, two areas come to mind:
1. B told you he didn't know why his wife divorced him
2. His borrowing money from you when his truck was repossessed. You hadn't been with him very long at that point. As I recall, you had to take him to court to get the money back.

Situations like these are funny - they're like the picture where if you look at it from one angle you can see a witch or from another angle a beautiful girl. Where some of us see the witch, you see the beautiful girl. 

This isn't a matter of being right or wrong - it's a matter of considering other motives or explanations for behavior.


----------



## 2&out

umm - NOT. IMHO he must like U a lot as he is inquiring, asking questions as sounds like he wants to continue. Not to offend, but U sound like a lot of work/effort as Gfriend. What I think I read is him doing 70% and U doing 30. Is that all your willing to do for, in this relationship ? 

I think U need to make a Pro/Con list to help U decide whether to go forward with him/ "this". Not only for U but to be fair to him. Which IMO U should be/owe to him.


----------



## Not

Blondilocks said:


> I didn't go back to check; but, two areas come to mind:
> 1. B told you he didn't know why his wife divorced him
> 2. His borrowing money from you when his truck was repossessed. You hadn't been with him very long at that point. As I recall, you had to take him to court to get the money back.
> 
> Situations like these are funny - they're like the picture where if you look at it from one angle you can see a witch or from another angle a beautiful girl. Where some of us see the witch, you see the beautiful girl.
> 
> This isn't a matter of being right or wrong - it's a matter of considering other motives or explanations for behavior.


I gotcha. This is something Tank and I talk about. My distrust or what I prefer to call my caution. He gets it but at the same time dislikes that he has to pay the price for something he didn’t do. He’s got baggage too and I honestly haven’t seen him project anything onto me yet so I feel kind of crappy about that. I am seeing the ugly witch and he’s seeing the beautiful girl. I think what you see me doing here at TAM is trying to talk this out, trying to see the beautiful girl. Everything I’ve mentioned here has stemmed from talks with Tank where I am constantly introducing the witch.

With B I wasn’t nearly as cautious and chose to trust him from the get go. I had no reason not to trust him.


----------



## Not

2&out said:


> umm - NOT. IMHO he must like U a lot as he is inquiring, asking questions as sounds like he wants to continue. Not to offend, but U sound like a lot of work/effort as Gfriend. What I think I read is him doing 70% and U doing 30. Is that all your willing to do for, in this relationship ?
> 
> I think U need to make a Pro/Con list to help U decide whether to go forward with him/ "this". Not only for U but to be fair to him. Which IMO U should be/owe to him.


This mirrors some of my own thoughts exactly. I do like him a lot. He’s a good looking guy who has his **** together, not just financially but emotionally and intellectually. He’s a great catch. I most definitely am being a lot of work/effort if you look at this situation from a psychologically normal healthy perspective.


----------



## Not

jlg07 said:


> So having SEX is ok and not that intimate, but HOLDING HANDS is? ?????? Umm, WHAT???? If this is the case, no wonder he is a bit confused...
> 
> When I was reading some of your comments, I was wondering to myself if you were trying to self-sabotage. You were REALLY into it, and then BAM -- he's too physical and touchy.
> * I am NOT saying that you need to accept that if it is way beyond your comfort level (so please don't interpret any of this like that), but it IS new to you and something you MAY learn to enjoy. * Part of ANY relationship is that you can grow to enjoy new things that maybe you weren't comfortable with or knew about before.
> 
> HE acts like he does, you act like you do. It will come to some sort of quiescent point after you've been together for a while. You will reach a normal point for the both of you if you give it enough time.
> 
> I'd hate for you to miss out on something that could be GREAT for you because you pulled the trigger too quickly.


I _was_ trying to self sabotage and yes, the mixed signals coming from me confused the hell out of him. I’m taking this one day at a time, he’s taking it one day at a time. Thank you jlg.


----------



## Blondilocks

Well, after only 3 weeks, I don't think she owes him jack-****. 

He knows the score. She is new at working through her baggage and it will take her time. Being an octopus and pushing her to be what he wants her to be will backfire on him.

Not, take your time! Maybe stop seeing him every day so you can get a breather and really think about what you're feeling. If that doesn't sit well with him, then you'll know he's trying to manipulate you. Don't worry about losing him - you guys aren't in high school.


----------



## Not

Blondilocks said:


> Well, after only 3 weeks, I don't think she owes him jack-****.
> 
> He knows the score. She is new at working through her baggage and it will take her time. Being an octopus and pushing her to be what he wants her to be will backfire on him.
> 
> Not, take your time! Maybe stop seeing him every day so you can get a breather and really think about what you're feeling. If that doesn't sit well with him, then you'll know he's trying to manipulate you. Don't worry about losing him - you guys aren't in high school.


Things are actually moving quite slowly. We see each other for a couple of hours about once or twice a week then again for a few hours one evening each weekend. Most of our interacting is via phone right now. 

I just got off the phone with him as a matter of fact. He told me he couldn’t hang out today and I could hear the paranoia in his voice. His ex girlfriend would have flipped out so he was nervous about how I’d react lol! His first time letting his baggage enter the picture.


----------



## Blondilocks

Not said:


> I’m still seeing Tank. He’ll stop by on his way home from work and have dinner with me and hang out for a little bit.


This gave me the impression that you were seeing him quite frequently.


----------



## Not

Blondilocks said:


> This gave me the impression that you were seeing him quite frequently.


Ah, I can see why but no.


----------



## gdtm0111

Good morning, I haven’t posted in a while to any thread. Separated last Nov and tried the dating sites in Jan and Feb. Introduced to a woman in Feb and things were going well till the Stay Home Order.

How is everyone else taking this order while trying to get to know someone?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ReformedHubby

nasty69 said:


> I am tired of using dating apps. Next month I am going to Colombia. I am 25 years old and single for the last two years. I'm tired of the attitude and cheats of Asian women and now I want to have a relationship with a foreign girl. So next month, I'm going to Colombia to spend my holidays. So I hope I'll find a good partner there. But I don't know anything about Colombian Culture and girls there. No idea how I'll find a girl for a date. I am searching the internet about Colombian dating sites. I found an article online4.love/Colombian-dating-sites/ that is specifically written about dating in Colombia. what you think the information in this article is based on facts? Is there anyone who has experience dating there? or know about the most popular dating website in Colombia? Is it easy to find a soulmate there in Colombia, or should I change my destination? Your advice will be very meaningful to me.


LoL, I guess its easier to post an ad if you pretend to be seeking advice. With that said no matter what culture you are in. I wouldn't think you would want nasty69 to be your username if you want to be taken seriously in a legitimate dating app.


----------



## FeministInPink

gdtm0111 said:


> Good morning, I haven’t posted in a while to any thread. Separated last Nov and tried the dating sites in Jan and Feb. Introduced to a woman in Feb and things were going well till the Stay Home Order.
> 
> How is everyone else taking this order while trying to get to know someone?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm not using this time to get to know anyone. I'm on the verge of deleting my apps right now. (Actually, I just deleted one of them.) I want to use this time to focus on myself and maintaining the other relationships in my life, not necessarily getting to know new people.

TBH, I've had a really crappy experience with dating apps... I never get anywhere with them. The men I match with are either the ones who are happy to occasionally text FOREVER but never actually want to meet... or catfish/scammers.

I have friends who are still trying to date. Some of them are doing the responsible thing, and they are doing virtual dates. I have at least one other friend who is very concerned about the virus, but she has some impulse control problems... and she's also DYING for some real human interactions, so she has gone on some in-person dates, but outside and they stay 6 ft apart. Until this guy who she met that she really likes, and they had an outdoor date, and then she invited him back to her place for dinner. (6 ft rule broken, obviously.)

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

6 ft rule. 😄 

Mrs. C went to the store with me yesterday, first time since this started, and tried to socially distance herself from me.

She stopped trying to keep her distance after I glommed her with bear hugs, kisses and a butt squeeze or three.


----------



## Cynthia

FeministInPink said:


> I have friends who are still trying to date. Some of them are doing the responsible thing, and they are doing virtual dates. I have at least one other friend who is very concerned about the virus, but she has some impulse control problems... and she's also DYING for some real human interactions, so she has gone on some in-person dates, but outside and they stay 6 ft apart. Until this guy who she met that she really likes, and they had an outdoor date, and then she invited him back to her place for dinner. (6 ft rule broken, obviously.)


I feel sad for extroverts who are stuck at home. I'm thankful that I'm more of an introvert. It's also a lot more difficult for people who live alone.


----------



## FeministInPink

Cynthia said:


> I feel sad for extroverts who are stuck at home. I'm thankful that I'm more of an introvert. It's also a lot more difficult for people who live alone.


The friend that I mentioned is a super extrovert, this is all really emotionally taxing for her. She is on the verge of tears when she video chats with me and talks about how much she misses hugs and seeing her friends, and how lonely she is (she lives alone). It breaks my heart to see her like that... because I'm sure she is trying to be strong on the phone. I have no doubt that she cries about it when she is not on the phone. 

Plus, she is already really stressed because she is a small business owner trying to keep her business afloat. She owns her own Cross Fit gym, and she's been doing an insane number of video training sessions... she's working her ass off, but she's right now only covering her business losses because she can't do full classes. She's even had new clients sign on with her, but she's not actually MAKING money right now.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia

Poor lady. That sounds very hard.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

Cynthia said:


> Poor lady. That sounds very hard.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


It is very difficult for her, emotionally. I've been coaching her on how to talk herself through these moments when they happen, which seems to be helping. Or I talk her through it, if we're on the phone together. Sometimes just being able to talk with and see someone via video chat helps.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## AVR1962

gdtm0111 said:


> Good morning, I haven’t posted in a while to any thread. Separated last Nov and tried the dating sites in Jan and Feb. Introduced to a woman in Feb and things were going well till the Stay Home Order.
> 
> How is everyone else taking this order while trying to get to know someone?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Dating a man now for 10 months. He works in ER and has not seen one positive case yet so we have continued to see each other. I work with children mostly (teaching) and now have all but 4 students online. I do get out and do yard work and go for my walks but I can say I am pretty tired of staying at home.


----------



## RandomDude

FeministInPink said:


> Plus, she is already really stressed because she is a small business owner trying to keep her business afloat. She owns her own Cross Fit gym, and she's been doing an insane number of video training sessions... she's working her ass off, but she's right now only covering her business losses because she can't do full classes. She's even had new clients sign on with her, but she's not actually MAKING money right now.


Well at least she's getting some money in, my revenue has dried up to near zero and closing up for six months. Can't do video sessions for accommodation. Food deliveries still breaking even, but overall, relying on the government to not close down permanently. My industry, along with tourism and aviation has just been hit with a mega atomic world-shattering sledge hammer.

Even after six months I'm not so sure, my business relies on tourism and open borders. If the world doesn't recover by then, well, I'm f---ed.


----------



## Cynthia

I certainly hope that things improve just as radically as they have fallen.


----------



## Not

Our stay at home order was just extended to May 1st. I’m about to go nuts. If the weather would hurry up and turn (3 inches of snow yesterday) I’d be coping better but I’m starting to get depressed and I’m an introvert who never does anything!

Tank and I are making tons of plans for when this is finally over. We’re going to hit the gym hard, bicycle, hike, river tubing but the first thing we’ll do is go have our first real date with drinks to celebrate.

I’m getting really stiff from all the sitting I’m doing so I bought a yoga mat to do some stretching. If anyone knows of a good YouTube beginner yoga channel let me know!


----------



## minimalME

Tons of great workouts on YouTube!!! Yoga with Adriene is one of my favorite channels. 🤗 



Not said:


> I’m getting really stiff from all the sitting I’m doing so I bought a yoga mat to do some stretching. If anyone knows of a good YouTube beginner yoga channel let me know!











Yoga With Adriene


WELCOME to Yoga With Adriene! Our mission is to connect as many people as possible through high-quality free yoga videos. We welcome all levels, all bodies, ...




www.youtube.com


----------



## Not

minimalME said:


> Tons of great workouts on YouTube!!! Yoga with Adriene is one of my favorite channels. 🤗
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yoga With Adriene
> 
> 
> WELCOME to Yoga With Adriene! Our mission is to connect as many people as possible through high-quality free yoga videos. We welcome all levels, all bodies, ...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.youtube.com


Thank you!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

I had my first “virtual” date. Weird. First time we saw each other live other than profile pics. This lockdown has to end soon!!


----------



## TXTrini

Hi everyone, hope you all are staying sane and not bouncing off the walls. I'm actually starting to feel the walls close in and I want to break out _laughs_ and I love being home. Nothing much to report, still talking to the guy I've been seeing and maintaining current relationships, like FeministinPink mentioned.



RandomDude said:


> Well at least she's getting some money in, my revenue has dried up to near zero and closing up for six months. Can't do video sessions for accommodation. Food deliveries still breaking even, but overall, relying on the government to not close down permanently. My industry, along with tourism and aviation has just been hit with a mega atomic world-shattering sledge hammer.
> 
> Even after six months I'm not so sure, my business relies on tourism and open borders. If the world doesn't recover by then, well, I'm f---ed.


 Dude, I feel you. I was just coming out of extended medical leave and the ****storm started when all the ships started getting quarantined. I and many of my colleagues were laid off, maybe 50% of the company, more waves to come. Cruise ships are getting bailed out, but not affiliated Travel Agents. Unfortunately, change is inevitable, good luck to you, my friend. 



minimalME said:


> Tons of great workouts on YouTube!!! Yoga with Adriene is one of my favorite channels. 🤗
> 
> I love Adriene! I use her workouts too when I can't manage anything strenuous or "hoppy".
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yoga With Adriene
> 
> 
> WELCOME to Yoga With Adriene! Our mission is to connect as many people as possible through high-quality free yoga videos. We welcome all levels, all bodies, ...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.youtube.com





RebuildingMe said:


> I had my first “virtual” date. Weird. First time we saw each other live other than profile pics. This lockdown has to end soon!!


Congrats! This happened way faster than that other lady you talked about, so some serious progress.


----------



## Numb26

Not really concerned with dating right now, with everything else that is going on seems like that energy can be put to better use. I have my FWB, thats enough for me right now.


----------



## ReformedHubby

I haven't provided any updates in a while. Had something weird happen on Friday night. My lady friend came over, and shortly after she arrived, she told me that while she was driving to see me (she lives out of state), that a woman began sending her strange facebook messages. She showed me her phone and sure enough. A woman was asking her if she was dating "Stephen". Since she was driving and couldn't reply the woman kept messaging. Saying all kinds of crazy things. Like, "I know its you" and "Answer me!" also "??????", and "Don't pretend you don't know him". It was strange. She asked me for advice and I said lets just tell her we really don't even know who he is.

So she replied, and said she wasn't dating a Stephen, and doesn't even have any facebook friends with that name. The woman then told her Stephen's last name and still neither of us knew whom she was talking about. We were curious how she found my girlfriend, especially since she was so sure sure who Stephen was dating. Surely she she had some evidence or someone told her something. But nope. The woman's reply floored me. All of the messages and accusations were because my girlfriend popped-up under her "People you may know" section. Turns out this woman and Stephen recently separated, and I guess she was looking for the other woman. Honestly we both felt really bad for her. 

When we stopped messaging her, we went to the woman's facebook page and browsed it. I clicked on the About tab and under books she had one book listed as a favorite. The title of it was, "The Desperate Woman's Guide". You really can't make this stuff up. I still feel bad for her though. Clearly she is grieving over the loss of her marriage if she is reaching out to random strangers and accusing them of being the other woman. Whomever Stephen is, I hope he comes clean with his wife. The whole thing was weird, makes me really glad I am not really that into facebook.

On another note things are going really well with my relationship, I said I would never get married again, but honestly with her, I am strongly considering it. I haven't told her I am rethinking that. Part of me is wondering if all this isolation with just us is influencing those feelings.


----------



## notmyjamie

That’s so sad. Poor woman. But if she’s that obsessive it could be why he left.

As for me, I’ve temporarily moved in with my BF of 11 months. My 3 kids are all high risk with asthma and cardiac conditions and I am afraid of bringing this virus home from work. I’m missing them like mad but it’s worth it if they stay healthy.

Things are going well with BF. Yesterday I had a moment of worrying my being there was crowding him so I told him he can feel free to tell me and I’ll get out of his way. He told me he thinks he’s having the opposite problem. He's very happy with me there and dreading when I have to move home. That feels great on the one hand but sad on the other. Except for missing my kids I’m having a blast spending all my time with him. We’re cooking together every night, binge watching some great shows, talking about anything and everything and loving it.

I’ll be very sad to go home but very happy at the same time.

Hope everyone else is doing well!!


----------



## ReformedHubby

notmyjamie said:


> Things are going well with BF. Yesterday I had a moment of worrying my being there was crowding him so I told him he can feel free to tell me and I’ll get out of his way. He told me he thinks he’s having the opposite problem. He's very happy with me there and dreading when I have to move home. That feels great on the one hand but sad on the other. Except for missing my kids I’m having a blast spending all my time with him. We’re cooking together every night, binge watching some great shows, talking about anything and everything and loving it.


Good to hear things are going well. I can relate. I really didn't know what to expect going into lockdown as a couple. Was worried we just might get on each others nerves. But like your situation its just been awesome. I feel closer to her now than I ever have.


----------



## RebuildingMe

These are some great updates!

TX- hang in there. I know it will get better for you. You seem like a wonderful person with a lot to offer! Yes, the first girl turned out to be very annoying!

numb- understandable. There’s nothing wrong with FWB. I know a while back you were feeling weak with the ex, I hope your stronger now and regular sex I imagine would help with that. I’ll let you know when I finally get some, lol.

Jamie- that’s wonderful how well you all get along. This was certainly a good test for the future of your relationship!


----------



## notmyjamie

ReformedHubby said:


> Good to hear things are going well. I can relate. I really didn't know what to expect going into lockdown as a couple. Was worried we just might get on each others nerves. But like your situation its just been awesome. I feel closer to her now than I ever have.



Thanks. I've had just enough White Russians tonight to say two things...one...I never in a million years thought I could ever be so happy with someone after my divorce. I was convinced I was soiled somehow and not worthy of a relationship.

2) I can’t thank this group of people enough for all the support and encouragement I’ve gotten over the last year+. I’m not sure I would have survived leaving my husband and trying again without all of you.

thank you all from the bottom of my heart.


----------



## TXTrini

ReformedHubby said:


> On another note things are going really well with my relationship, I said I would never get married again, but honestly with her, I am strongly considering it. I haven't told her I am rethinking that. Part of me is wondering if all this isolation with just us is influencing those feelings.


Awwww, the lovebug is biting, good for you darling! I felt like that after my life exploded, then I realized I can't let anyone put me off what I want for myself just because they weren't suitable. So I think I will be like Liz Taylor: keep trying, look fabulous while doing so and live like every day is my last.




notmyjamie said:


> He told me he thinks he’s having the opposite problem. He's very happy with me there and dreading when I have to move home. That feels great on the one hand but sad on the other. Except for missing my kids I’m having a blast spending all my time with him. We’re cooking together every night, binge watching some great shows, talking about anything and everything and loving it.
> 
> I’ll be very sad to go home but very happy at the same time.
> 
> Hope everyone else is doing well!!


That's wonderful! I can't wait to have that with someone again one day.



RebuildingMe said:


> These are some great updates!
> 
> TX- hang in there. I know it will get better for you. You seem like a wonderful person with a lot to offer! Yes, the first girl turned out to be very annoying!
> /QUOTE]
> 
> 
> Thank you. I know they will, b/c it' been a hell of a climb from rock bottom, so things are better every day. Boy, the first dude I dated was a real piece of work, so annoying is a huge step up lmao


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Dude, I feel you. I was just coming out of extended medical leave and the ****storm started when all the ships started getting quarantined. I and many of my colleagues were laid off, maybe 50% of the company, more waves to come. Cruise ships are getting bailed out, but not affiliated Travel Agents. Unfortunately, change is inevitable, good luck to you, my friend.


Thanks, I've never seen something go south so fast in my life.

I also now have this problem, my girlfriend on the left, and myself on the right:










lol


----------



## ReformedHubby

RandomDude said:


> I also now have this problem, my girlfriend on the left, and myself on the right:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lol


This is very true. I am social, and very gregarious, but definitely an introvert, so I don't actually mind being away from people during this time. I do feel bad for my extroverted friends that live alone and don't have any interaction with others right now. When they do reach out I can definitely tell this is starting to take a toll on them.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Thanks, I've never seen something go south so fast in my life.
> 
> I also now have this problem, my girlfriend on the left, and myself on the right:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lol



hehe My mom and I bought a house together and move out of the city a few months ago, so we left most of the madness behind. We're both introverts, but I'm currently the one on the left, cause I need a just a tiny break from her lol


----------



## gdtm0111

For anyone trying to date during these days of Social Distancing, how is it going? Are you just using Zoom for virtual dates?

The woman I was introduced to in February, suddenly stopped talking to me this past weekend. No idea why, maybe she’s back with her ex since her kids live with him. Anyway, back to the dating sites I guess.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

gdtm0111 said:


> For anyone trying to date during these days of Social Distancing, how is it going? Are you just using Zoom for virtual dates?
> 
> The woman I was introduced to in February, suddenly stopped talking to me this past weekend. No idea why, maybe she’s back with her ex since her kids live with him. Anyway, back to the dating sites I guess.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm sorry darling, that sucks. That happened to me with a guy I was seeing a few months ago. Ghosting always sucks, but it just highlights her weak, avoidant character. I hope you don't think that's a reflection on you. _hugs_

I'm "seeing" (more like talking) to someone I started dating in mid-January, before this crap happened, so I can't answer you there.


----------



## AVR1962

ReformedHubby said:


> I haven't provided any updates in a while. Had something weird happen on Friday night. My lady friend came over, and shortly after she arrived, she told me that while she was driving to see me (she lives out of state), that a woman began sending her strange facebook messages. She showed me her phone and sure enough. A woman was asking her if she was dating "Stephen". Since she was driving and couldn't reply the woman kept messaging. Saying all kinds of crazy things. Like, "I know its you" and "Answer me!" also "??????", and "Don't pretend you don't know him". It was strange. She asked me for advice and I said lets just tell her we really don't even know who he is.
> 
> So she replied, and said she wasn't dating a Stephen, and doesn't even have any facebook friends with that name. The woman then told her Stephen's last name and still neither of us knew whom she was talking about. We were curious how she found my girlfriend, especially since she was so sure sure who Stephen was dating. Surely she she had some evidence or someone told her something. But nope. The woman's reply floored me. All of the messages and accusations were because my girlfriend popped-up under her "People you may know" section. Turns out this woman and Stephen recently separated, and I guess she was looking for the other woman. Honestly we both felt really bad for her.
> 
> When we stopped messaging her, we went to the woman's facebook page and browsed it. I clicked on the About tab and under books she had one book listed as a favorite. The title of it was, "The Desperate Woman's Guide". You really can't make this stuff up. I still feel bad for her though. Clearly she is grieving over the loss of her marriage if she is reaching out to random strangers and accusing them of being the other woman. Whomever Stephen is, I hope he comes clean with his wife. The whole thing was weird, makes me really glad I am not really that into facebook.
> 
> On another note things are going really well with my relationship, I said I would never get married again, but honestly with her, I am strongly considering it. I haven't told her I am rethinking that. Part of me is wondering if all this isolation with just us is influencing those feelings.


Have you ever watched an episode of "Catfish"? People do some crazy things!!!


----------



## Elizabeth001

@Not ...update girl.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

So I saw my dude this last weekend, it was great and I'm looking forward to seeing him again when next we can swing it. He's a lot slower and more deliberate than I'm used to, but maybe that's not a bad thing. My ex-husband love-bombed me at the beginning and then pretty much turned off not long after we married. 

It's so weird relearning how to have a relationship at this time of my life. I honestly have no idea how 40+ men think, and looking back my ex never grew up.


----------



## Not

Elizabeth001 said:


> @Not ...update girl.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Things with Tank are going slow but good! We see each other a couple of times a week for a few hours with an overnight thrown in there every now and then and talk all day everyday. We were supposed to spend this past weekend together but about 20 minutes after I showered on Friday my chest got really tight and I already had a bit of a cough with headaches so we cancelled because I became worried. My youngest is an essential worker so I’m exposed to her frequently and I panicked a little. Turned out to be a fluke with my chest and my sinuses went nuts with drainage over the weekend so that explained my cough and headaches. Better to be safe than sorry but it sucks we missed a whole weekend together, total bummer!

I really like him so far. I had been avoiding the ******* types which are all over out here and he is part ******* but he’s a ******* who grew up just outside of Chicago so he’s got the city in him too. It works for me. He used to be quite heavy but works out religiously and eats healthy and looks really good so the physical attraction is definitely strong. And I’ve gotten much better with the compliments and attention! I don’t mind being called a sexy ass and having my butt spanked when he comes over and asks me to give him my feet for a massage as we sit and watch a movie. I’ve learned to appreciate these little things and not be so uptight. And he’s taught me a thing or two in the bedroom as well lol! Things I didn’t know I liked but do. So he’s expanded my horizons in some areas and I have no complaints lol!

So.....I’m looking forward to continuing to get to know him. The only thing I may have a little trouble getting used to is he rides a Harley and I’ve never seen myself as a motorcycle woman type. Not sure how to do the Harley chick thing.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Things with Tank are going slow but good! We see each other a couple of times a week for a few hours with an overnight thrown in there every now and then and talk all day everyday. We were supposed to spend this past weekend together but about 20 minutes after I showered on Friday my chest got really tight and I already had a bit of a cough with headaches so we cancelled because I became worried. My youngest is an essential worker so I’m exposed to her frequently and I panicked a little. Turned out to be a fluke with my chest and my sinuses went nuts with drainage over the weekend so that explained my cough and headaches. Better to be safe than sorry but it sucks we missed a whole weekend together, total bummer!
> 
> I really like him so far. I had been avoiding the ******* types which are all over out here and he is part ******* but he’s a ******* who grew up just outside of Chicago so he’s got the city in him too. It works for me. He used to be quite heavy but works out religiously and eats healthy and looks really good so the physical attraction is definitely strong. And I’ve gotten much better with the compliments and attention! I don’t mind being called a sexy ass and having my butt spanked when he comes over and asks me to give him my feet for a massage as we sit and watch a movie. I’ve learned to appreciate these little things and not be so uptight. And he’s taught me a thing or two in the bedroom as well lol! Things I didn’t know I liked but do. So he’s expanded my horizons in some areas and I have no complaints lol!
> 
> So.....I’m looking forward to continuing to get to know him. The only thing I may have a little trouble getting used to is he rides a Harley and I’ve never seen myself as a motorcycle woman type. Not sure how to do the Harley chick thing.


Are you feeling less self-conscious with him now that you guys have dated for a bit? I'm happy to hear things are going well, you sound more relaxed.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Not said:


> Things with Tank are going slow but good! We see each other a couple of times a week for a few hours with an overnight thrown in there every now and then and talk all day everyday. We were supposed to spend this past weekend together but about 20 minutes after I showered on Friday my chest got really tight and I already had a bit of a cough with headaches so we cancelled because I became worried. My youngest is an essential worker so I’m exposed to her frequently and I panicked a little. Turned out to be a fluke with my chest and my sinuses went nuts with drainage over the weekend so that explained my cough and headaches. Better to be safe than sorry but it sucks we missed a whole weekend together, total bummer!
> 
> I really like him so far. I had been avoiding the ******* types which are all over out here and he is part ******* but he’s a ******* who grew up just outside of Chicago so he’s got the city in him too. It works for me. He used to be quite heavy but works out religiously and eats healthy and looks really good so the physical attraction is definitely strong. And I’ve gotten much better with the compliments and attention! I don’t mind being called a sexy ass and having my butt spanked when he comes over and asks me to give him my feet for a massage as we sit and watch a movie. I’ve learned to appreciate these little things and not be so uptight. And he’s taught me a thing or two in the bedroom as well lol! Things I didn’t know I liked but do. So he’s expanded my horizons in some areas and I have no complaints lol!
> 
> So.....I’m looking forward to continuing to get to know him. The only thing I may have a little trouble getting used to is he rides a Harley and I’ve never seen myself as a motorcycle woman type. Not sure how to do the Harley chick thing.


Ummmm...I am a dude, and your man sounds sexy LoL. Good for you!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Not said:


> Things with Tank are going slow but good! We see each other a couple of times a week for a few hours with an overnight thrown in there every now and then and talk all day everyday. We were supposed to spend this past weekend together but about 20 minutes after I showered on Friday my chest got really tight and I already had a bit of a cough with headaches so we cancelled because I became worried. My youngest is an essential worker so I’m exposed to her frequently and I panicked a little. Turned out to be a fluke with my chest and my sinuses went nuts with drainage over the weekend so that explained my cough and headaches. Better to be safe than sorry but it sucks we missed a whole weekend together, total bummer!
> 
> I really like him so far. I had been avoiding the ******* types which are all over out here and he is part ******* but he’s a ******* who grew up just outside of Chicago so he’s got the city in him too. It works for me. He used to be quite heavy but works out religiously and eats healthy and looks really good so the physical attraction is definitely strong. And I’ve gotten much better with the compliments and attention! I don’t mind being called a sexy ass and having my butt spanked when he comes over and asks me to give him my feet for a massage as we sit and watch a movie. I’ve learned to appreciate these little things and not be so uptight. And he’s taught me a thing or two in the bedroom as well lol! Things I didn’t know I liked but do. So he’s expanded my horizons in some areas and I have no complaints lol!
> 
> So.....I’m looking forward to continuing to get to know him. The only thing I may have a little trouble getting used to is he rides a Harley and I’ve never seen myself as a motorcycle woman type. Not sure how to do the Harley chick thing.


I can make you a Harley sticker for your helmet that says Tank’s B1tch  


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Are you feeling less self-conscious with him now that you guys have dated for a bit? I'm happy to hear things are going well, you sound more relaxed.


I think so. My attitude toward relationships in general wasn’t good. Just didn’t want to hassle with the complications and potential hurt feelings so I had gotten good at shutting it down and not giving anyone a chance. I’m a lot more relaxed now.


----------



## Not

ReformedHubby said:


> Ummmm...I am a dude, and your man sounds sexy LoL. Good for you!


This made me laugh lol! Thanks for the humor RH!


----------



## Not

Elizabeth001 said:


> I can make you a Harley sticker for your helmet that says Tank’s B1tch
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


We’ll see if we get to that point lol! Helmet shopping....so romantic lol!


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I think so. My attitude toward relationships in general wasn’t good. Just didn’t want to hassle with the complications and potential hurt feelings so I had gotten good at shutting it down and not giving anyone a chance. I’m a lot more relaxed now.


I sense that from the way you're talking, you seem lighter. Let yourself be happy, you deserve something great in your life.


----------



## Lila

So nice to read all of the positive updates. Keep 'em coming.

As for me, well, things are going pretty good. Somewhere along the way I turned a corner and am really, really happy all by my lonesome self  Can't complain.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I just wish the women I meet would actually come out of hiding from their basements and closets. Everyone I’ve met has taken the covid so seriously it messing with my game! Lol


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> I just wish the women I meet would actually come out of hiding from their basements and closets. Everyone I’ve met has taken the covid so seriously it messing with my game! Lol


Dude, SERIOUSLY? Stop thinking with your penis. 

Do you really expect a self-respecting woman to endanger her health and well-being to meet you for a date right now? WTF is wrong with you? 

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## Hiner112

Some people here laughed at my questionable humor before so I thought I would share some more.

J: I broke my bed.
Me: That's always fun.
J: I didn't have something screwed in correctly.
Me: Lol, generally it is better breaking it by screwing properly.
J: I guess I'm a little rough on things.


----------



## RebuildingMe

FeministInPink said:


> Dude, SERIOUSLY? Stop thinking with your penis.
> 
> Do you really expect a self-respecting woman to endanger her health and well-being to meet you for a date right now? WTF is wrong with you?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


Having a bad day??? It sounds like you’ve been in your basement far too long, lol. Get out, you won’t die.


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> Having a bad day??? It sounds like you’ve been in your basement far too long, lol. Get out, you won’t die.


No, I'm not. I'm having great day.. But I know a great many people who work in healthcare, and I know how serious this is. I live a few miles from my region's epicenter.

They say ignorance is bliss. You're evidence of that.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> Having a bad day??? It sounds like you’ve been in your basement far too long, lol. Get out, you won’t die.


You don't know that. Anyone can die from this virus, even the young and healthy. It's a crapshoot.


----------



## Marduk

RebuildingMe said:


> Having a bad day??? It sounds like you’ve been in your basement far too long, lol. Get out, you won’t die.


Interesting that your avatar is the temple of Kukulcan. I've climbed it many times before they closed that down. Visited both the temple at the top and jaguar throne at the bottom.

I love watching the serpent crawl down the sides at sunset, and love the stories of sacrifices having their hearts ripped out, skin cut off, and the skinless bodies being kicked down the steps, followed by the priest wearing the victim's skin.

I'm not at all sure those stories are true - for example, the sacrificial site seems to be more aligned with the local cenote and the temple of Chacmool. But the story is cool.

Which kinda brings me full circle to your comments about throwing your health to the sacrificial altar so you can try to get laid.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Marduk said:


> Interesting that your avatar is the temple of Kukulcan. I've climbed it many times before they closed that down. Visited both the temple at the top and jaguar throne at the bottom.
> 
> I love watching the serpent crawl down the sides at sunset, and love the stories of sacrifices having their hearts ripped out, skin cut off, and the skinless bodies being kicked down the steps, followed by the priest wearing the victim's skin.
> 
> I'm not at all sure those stories are true - for example, the sacrificial site seems to be more aligned with the local cenote and the temple of Chacmool. But the story is cool.
> 
> Which kinda brings me full circle to your comments about throwing your health to the sacrificial altar so you can try to get laid.


I’ve been to Chichen Itza twice. This photo was taken by me the second time. I know all about the Mayan civilization. You don’t have to explain it to me. My health is my concern, so are the job losses, the economy tanking, the airline industry’s death (my brother is a pilot for United and my SIL is a flight attendant for Delta). I don’t need anymore liberals making up stories just to get sleepy joe elected.

Yes, it would be nice to meet someone that doesn’t believe in the Great Hoax. You only live once, what a shame when all this passes and you’ve realized you’ve wasted a year of you life being held captive in your house.

There is a woman on this thread, who through her own courage and fortitude met her man during “lockdown”. I give her tons of credit. Good for her. I’d like to meet someone like that.


----------



## Marduk

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ve been to Chichen Itza twice. This photo was taken by me the second time. I know all about the Mayan civilization. You don’t have to explain it to me. My health is my concern, so are the job losses, the economy tanking, the airline industry’s death (my brother is a pilot for United and my SIL is a flight attendant for Delta). I don’t need anymore liberals making up stories just to get sleepy joe elected.
> 
> Yes, it would be nice to meet someone that doesn’t believe in the Great Hoax. You only live once, what a shame when all this passes and you’ve realized you’ve wasted a year of you life being held captive in your house.
> 
> There is a woman on this thread, who through her own courage and fortitude met her man during “lockdown”. I give her tons of credit. Good for her. I’d like to meet someone like that.


You do know the Mayan civilization ended, right?


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ve been to Chichen Itza twice. This photo was taken by me the second time. I know all about the Mayan civilization. You don’t have to explain it to me. My health is my concern, so are the job losses, the economy tanking, the airline industry’s death (my brother is a pilot for United and my SIL is a flight attendant for Delta). I don’t need anymore liberals making up stories just to get sleepy joe elected.
> 
> Yes, it would be nice to meet someone that doesn’t believe in the Great Hoax. You only live once, what a shame when all this passes and you’ve realized you’ve wasted a year of you life being held captive in your house.
> 
> There is a woman on this thread, who through her own courage and fortitude met her man during “lockdown”. I give her tons of credit. Good for her. I’d like to meet someone like that.


They are out there, just got to look. Met my current FWB when I was out and about. Keep you chin up!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Marduk said:


> You do know the Mayan civilization ended, right?


Sure do. Spain did to them what China is doing to us. Let me guess, sleepy joe and the dems are going to stand up to China? The United States will end up like the Mayans.

Just to think, I was just hoping to find a woman willing to come out of her house. Shame on me.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> They are out there, just got to look. Met my current FWB when I was out and about. Keep you chin up!


Be careful what you say here. Some feminist will come along and tell you how you’re thinking with your wrong head, lol.

However, a well documented, very brave woman does it and all you hear are crickets...


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Just to think, I was just hoping to find a woman willing to come out of her house. Shame on me.


I'm thinking you live in the wrong area, people there turning in their neighbors?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> I'm thinking you live in the wrong area, people there turning in their neighbors?


Bingo, all encouraged by the worst mayor in the US.


----------



## MattMatt

MODERATOR NOTE: Please keep this thread politics free.


----------



## ReformedHubby

FeministInPink said:


> Dude, SERIOUSLY? Stop thinking with your penis.
> 
> Do you really expect a self-respecting woman to endanger her health and well-being to meet you for a date right now? WTF is wrong with you?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


I read his post as just venting. While the situation is serious, I am at a point where I do day dream about how things used to be, and it is frustrating when you dwell on it too long. For me, I have this strange desire to do Disney World. I certainly wouldn't go if it was open, but yes....I do understand the the frustration. I see many acquaintances slowly unraveling on social media.


----------



## ReformedHubby

ReformedHubby said:


> I read his post as just venting. While the situation is serious, I am at a point where I do day dream about how things used to be, and it is frustrating when you dwell on it too long. For me, I have this strange desire to do Disney World. I certainly wouldn't go if it was open, but yes....I do understand the the frustration. I see many acquaintances slowly unraveling on social media.
> 
> _*Added Later: LoL nevermind @FeministInPink I continued reading his posts. Definitely not a hoax, I employ many, and several of my employees have been significantly impacted by this "hoax"*_


----------



## Numb26

The only ones unraveling are the ones who have totally bought into the fear the media is selling. Stop daydreaming and just live your life.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Numb26 said:


> The only ones unraveling are the ones who have totally bought into the fear the media is selling. Stop daydreaming and just live your life.


I don't think its fear that has the people I know acting "off." I think its the loneliness and isolation.


----------



## RebuildingMe

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't think its fear that has the people I know acting "off." I think its the loneliness and isolation.


Yes and they are creating their own isolation because they think if the step outside they will die. It they touch another human being, they will die. It’s such a sad, sad way to live.


----------



## Lila

As much as I hate, (and yes fear) the death and illness associated with the Covid19 virus, I am enjoying the changes I'm seeing on a deeper, social level. I'll caveat by saying that I am blessed in that I didn't lose my job; (I "only" had to contend with a 20% pay cut) and I'm in Georgia where Spring is absolutely gorgeous. 

In my area, I have seen more people enjoying the outdoors during "lockdown" than ever. Neighbors are getting to know one another and helping out where they can. People are taking their health more seriously by taking up new healthy hobbies. I have seen more people walking/jogging/bike riding than probably ever before. Kids/families are actually outside on their driveways playing games or doing creative activities. Crime and traffic are 10% of what they were last year. I know people are worried about the economy (I certainly am) but socially speaking, the stress levels have dropped dramatically.

On a personal note, I have bonded in sisterhood with my core group of girlfriends and have grown closer to my immediate family. I talk to them more now than ever before. We have time to talk or video chat by phone and video chat. No more getting important news from reading a facebook post. 

I'm also LOVING the time spent with my son. He's awesome but he IS a teenager. Before the lockdown it was all about "where he needed to be, at what time" and now it's about "what are we eating for dinner and family activity are we doing afterwards". With all this time spent together, we've had some wonderful discussion. They have given me a view into his blossoming personality and thoughts. He hides it by being a jokester and smiley happy but Holy ****! is he deep. I'm not sure I would have gotten this opportunity if lockdown hadn't forced it upon us.

I am not looking to date during the pandemic but will share one observation. The current dating pool is to dating what paper products (toilet paper, paper towels) is to stores. Shoppers are not being too picky about the brand, quality, or type. For those that want it badly enough, you're happy to get whatever is available.


----------



## TXTrini

Hi all, 

Politics aside, I have been feeling very isolated and decided no more. My guy and I saw each other last weekend, (not this one gone) and probably will again this weekend. He's been working full time and seeing his family throughout the lockdown at their homes. Everyone's being sensible and trying not to let fear rule them, there's so much misinformation out there, who knows what's true/not anymore?

I live outside of the city, people are going about their lives as normally as they can manage. Kids are playing together outside, people are walking and biking, everyone looks pretty healthy. My neighbors say hi, we talk a little, but keep our distance. I stayed home because of my cough (now gone!) to not freak people out, plus I really don't need to get anything. I plan on going to my appointments as normal when businesses I frequent reopen. 

Logically, a continuous lockdown is unsustainable, eventually, we'll all have to emerge, ready or not when the money runs out. Then what? Another spike? So, best we keep our vulnerable people safe, while the rest of us emerge and try to rebuild for the good of all. Honestly, I'm more afraid of rioting and looting happening than dying from the virus. I'm super aware that I'm a single woman alone and vulnerable. I am armed, but I haven't practiced consistently, so 
that's something else on my to-do list. 

Anyway, I hope you all are doing the best you can, physically and mentally. These are tough times and we won't emerge unscathed.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I guess to phrase it another way, why are people (men and women) swiping right if they have no intention of leaving their house? What are they looking to gain? A friend? A texting buddy? I just don’t get it. If you are that fearful, why are you on dating sites liking people? Get a dog. Zoom your friends and family. Watch Netflix. If I see another person in a mask as a dating profile picture, I’m going to scream. Hint, it’s not funny and you don’t look cute in your mask, lol.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> I guess to phrase it another way, why are people (men and women) swiping right if they have no intention of leaving their house? What are they looking to gain? A friend? A texting buddy? I just don’t get it. If you are that fearful, why are you on dating sites liking people? Get a dog. Zoom your friends and family. Watch Netflix. If I see another person in a mask as a dating profile picture, I’m going to scream. Hint, it’s not funny and you don’t look cute in your mask, lol.


Everyone's lonely and antsy, some people are suddenly realizing what they're missing in life that's more important than tangible things. 

People are really wearing masks in their profiles? 😆😂🤣 
Welcome to the apocalypse!


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Everyone's lonely and antsy, some people are suddenly realizing what they're missing in life that's more important than tangible things.
> 
> People are really wearing masks in their profiles? 😆😂🤣
> Welcome to the apocalypse!


I get that people are lonely, thus my suggestion of getting a dog. The people on dating sites with no intention of leaving their houses until 2021 have me perplexed and frustrated. All they are doing is clogging the line. Step aside and let others pass.

I can’t speak for men, but I’ve seen way too many women posing in masks on their profile pictures. They get a next faster then if they used instagram bunny ears.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I guess to phrase it another way, why are people (men and women) swiping right if they have no intention of leaving their house? What are they looking to gain? A friend? A texting buddy? I just don’t get it. If you are that fearful, why are you on dating sites liking people? Get a dog. Zoom your friends and family. Watch Netflix. If I see another person in a mask as a dating profile picture, I’m going to scream. Hint, it’s not funny and you don’t look cute in your mask, lol.


People are swiping right with no intention of meeting for the same reason that people only looking for NSA sex message those who say they are only interested in committed relationships. Neither gives a **** about anyone else but themselves. They are only interested making themselves happy even if it means wasting other people's time. 

Online dating is mostly anonymous and there are very little repercussions for wasting other people's lives. You can be or say whatever the other person needs to hear with no intentions of following through. It's very low risk and there's little to no responsibility to the person on the other end. Dogs are a lifetime of responsibility. 

You're essentially going to have to weed through a whole lot of profiles to find that needle in the haystack who shares you're relationship expectations during the pandemic. I recommend you state those expectations EXACTLY in your profile. You may not see as much movement as you're seeing now but when you do, it'll be someone who wants to share your expectations.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> People are swiping right with no intention of meeting for the same reason that people only looking for NSA sex message those who say they are only interested in committed relationships. Neither gives a **** about anyone else but themselves. They are only interested making themselves happy even if it means wasting other people's time.
> 
> Online dating is mostly anonymous and there are very little repercussions for wasting other people's lives. You can be or say whatever the other person needs to hear with no intentions of following through. It's very low risk and there's little to no responsibility to the person on the other end. Dogs are a lifetime of responsibility.
> 
> You're essentially going to have to weed through a whole lot of profiles to find that needle in the haystack who shares you're relationship expectations during the pandemic. I recommend you state those expectations EXACTLY in your profile. You may not see as much movement as you're seeing now but when you do, it'll be someone who wants to share your expectations.


There are a lot of weeds out there now. I have to get me some internet roundup


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> There are a lot of weeds out there now. I have to get me some internet roundup


Round up is too weak. I think you're going to need one of these for the amount of weeding needed with online dating









But seriously, do you have it in your profile that you're only interested in women who are open to meeting in person during the pandemic?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Round up is too weak. I think you're going to need one of these for the amount of weeding needed with online dating
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> But seriously, do you have it in your profile that you're only interested in women who are open to meeting in person during the pandemic?


I do not. However, it’s one of the first questions I ask now. I don’t need another texting buddy. I don’t need another “friend”. It’s not like I’m looking to meet face to face after a few days of talking, but if you are locking yourself in your basement for 6 months, I ain’t interested.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I do not. However, it’s one of the first questions I ask now. I don’t need another texting buddy. I don’t need another “friend”. It’s not like I’m looking to meet face to face after a few days of talking, but if you are locking yourself in your basement for 6 months, I ain’t interested.


If you want to save yourself some time then I recommend you add that to your profile. I think in the current environment, you're going to find this question is the equivalent to political views. In the majority of cases there is a clear divide and you're not going to convince either camp to switch sides.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> I guess to phrase it another way, why are people (men and women) swiping right if they have no intention of leaving their house? What are they looking to gain? A friend? A texting buddy? I just don’t get it. If you are that fearful, why are you on dating sites liking people? Get a dog. Zoom your friends and family. Watch Netflix. If I see another person in a mask as a dating profile picture, I’m going to scream. Hint, it’s not funny and you don’t look cute in your mask, lol.


You should copy and paste this post and use it in your profile. Why not? This totally gets your point across and you’re more likely to find that needle in a hay stack.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> You should copy and paste this post and use it in your profile. Why not? This totally gets your point across and you’re more likely to find that needle in a hay stack.


You know, I just might. It would make a good experiment at the very least.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So, I’ve been talking to several women across multiple sites. One woman that Is new and we just matched yesterday (so she is very new) I basically copied and pasted what I wrote above. Just asking why people are swiping right when they have no intentions of leaving their house. She ended the conversation and deleted the match. LOL!!!


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> So, I’ve been talking to several women across multiple sites. One woman that Is new and we just matched yesterday (so she is very new) I basically copied and pasted what I wrote above. Just asking why people are swiping right when they have no intentions of leaving their house. She ended the conversation and deleted the match. LOL!!!


That's exactly what you want. You don't want to invest time and energy into someone who doesn't share your expectations on dating during the pandemic. That's why I suggested you include something like "only interested in people who are open to meeting in person during pandemic" in your profile.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> That's exactly what you want. You don't want to invest time and energy into someone who doesn't share your expectations on dating during the pandemic. That's why I suggested you include something like "only interested in people who are open to meeting in person during pandemic" in your profile.


Lol, can’t help but read that Lila and find a hidden ‘you’re an asshole’ in your post.


----------



## Livvie

Off topic but, swear words are not bleeped out on the forum anymore? Cool!


----------



## LisaDiane

Not said:


> I’m getting really stiff from all the sitting I’m doing so I bought a yoga mat to do some stretching. If anyone knows of a good YouTube beginner yoga channel let me know!


Hi!!! You got a great recommendation for Yoga with Adriene, but I also wanted to add Yoga with Kassandra...the link below is for a 10 minute practice that is a more rapid "flow" (Vinyasa) which I LOVE and have been using as a basic practice every day for the past 3 months, with terrific results!!! It's never boring and can be as challenging as I want it to be, and I can easily add my other favorite poses to it!






Adriene and Kassandra are the two I always do yoga with!!!


----------



## minimalME

Have you seen the flows from Alo Moves? Yoga goals! 🤭






Explore Yoga, Fitness, & Mindfulness Classes | Alo Moves


Test Find the right series to help you meet your yoga, fitness, or meditation goals. On our explore page, see what we offer by style, then see more in each category.




www.alomoves.com







LisaDiane said:


> Hi!!! You got a great recommendation for Yoga with Adriene, but I also wanted to add Yoga with Kassandra...the link below is for a 10 minute practice that is a more rapid "flow" (Vinyasa) which I LOVE and have been using as a basic practice every day for the past 3 months, with terrific results!!! It's never boring and can be as challenging as I want it to be, and I can easily add my other favorite poses to it!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Adriene and Kassandra are the two I always do yoga with!!!


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Lol, can’t help but read that Lila and find a hidden ‘you’re an asshole’ in your post.


What have I posted to make you think that? 

You complained about women wanting to be text buddies and never wanting to meet in person. I'm only telling you to be honest in your profile so that neither you, or anyone that's continuing to observer social distancing, wastes time.


----------



## Lila

Livvie said:


> Off topic but, swear words are not bleeped out on the forum anymore? Cool!


I think the George Carlin bad words are banned.


----------



## LisaDiane

minimalME said:


> Have you seen the flows from Alo Moves? Yoga goals! 🤭
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Explore Yoga, Fitness, & Mindfulness Classes | Alo Moves
> 
> 
> Test Find the right series to help you meet your yoga, fitness, or meditation goals. On our explore page, see what we offer by style, then see more in each category.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.alomoves.com


Oooh...NO I hadn't before you posted that...THANKS!!!! 
I love the "goals" part...I usually do that on my own!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> What have I posted to make you think that?
> 
> You complained about women wanting to be text buddies and never wanting to meet in person. I'm only telling you to be honest in your profile so that neither you, or anyone that's continuing to observer social distancing, wastes time.


I guess it was the “dating during pandemic” comment twice. No worries. Many people think I’m an asshole, lol. I know two in particular


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I guess it was the “dating during pandemic” comment twice. No worries. Many people think I’m an asshole, lol. I know two in particular


I did say pandemic twice but you ARE interested in finding people to date IRL during the pandemic. Be honest about that. Saying "I'm interested in people who want to meet in real life" leaves a lot of real estate for misunderstandings. The women you complained about are thinking "at some point in the future when I feel it's safe to do so but in the meantime we can cyber date". The more specific you are, the less room there will be for misleading or being mislead. See what I mean?


----------



## PieceOfSky

RebuildingMe said:


> Lol, can’t help but read that Lila and find a hidden ‘you’re an asshole’ in your post.


Seems to me you are projecting hidden meaning onto Lila. I didn’t read a hidden meaning from her at all.


----------



## RebuildingMe

PieceOfSky said:


> Seems to me you are projecting hidden meaning onto Lila. I didn’t read a hidden meaning from her at all.


No, not at all. I like Lila’s POV on topics. I think the projection was the other way around. After all, I’m the knucklehead that wants to meet people as the world is coming to an end. I’d guess I’d rather go out having sex than someone finding my corpse in a basement wearing a mask.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> I did say pandemic twice but you ARE interested in finding people to date IRL during the pandemic. Be honest about that. Saying "I'm interested in people who want to meet in real life" leaves a lot of real estate for misunderstandings. The women you complained about are thinking "at some point in the future when I feel it's safe to do so but in the meantime we can cyber date". The more specific you are, the less room there will be for misleading or being mislead. See what I mean?


It’s cool. I get that I’m in the minority here. Had to slip in pandemic again?


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> No, not at all. I like Lila’s POV on topics. *I think the projection was the other way around. *After all, I’m the knucklehead that wants to meet people as the world is coming to an end. I’d guess I’d rather go out having sex than someone finding my corpse in a basement wearing a mask.


Why do you think I'm projecting onto you my personal opinions on dating? I don't have a dog in the fight but my ADVICE is to be honest about what you want. It will help you find a fellow "knucklehead that wants to meet people as the world is coming to an end". Believe me, there are women out there who "would rather go out having sex" than be found dead in the basement wearing a mask. 



RebuildingMe said:


> It’s cool. I get that I’m in the minority here. Had to slip in pandemic again?


I'm a scientist I call it what the science community calls it - pandemic. You are welcome to call it whatever you like. The key is finding a compatible person who calls it what you call it. That's my point.


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> No, not at all. I like Lila’s POV on topics. I think the projection was the other way around. After all, I’m the knucklehead that wants to meet people as the world is coming to an end. I’d guess I’d rather go out having sex than someone finding my corpse in a basement wearing a mask.


Lol!!! And IF I'm going to die, I at least want to have had sex in the past week!!!! ;-)


----------



## Livvie

My thought of the day as a current single:

As I read here about the incredibly crappy marriages many people have, I sometimes sit here and have moments of true thankfulness that I'm single!!


----------



## Not

Businesses are starting to open back up here. 50% capacity starting yesterday, we’ll see how it goes. If our numbers of infected start to increase we’ll go a step back and resume curbside etc only. Fingers crossed. If people adhere to the six foot rule I’m hoping that will be enough and we’ll be ok to continue our process of getting back up on our feet.

I’m going to try something I’ve never done before, waxing. I have an appointment for the 26th. Full leg and Brazilian. I’ve watched videos on YouTube and read up on it so I feel I’m as prepared as I can be but holy cow it’s going to hurt lol! The things a girl will do for her man. Not that he’s asking me to, it’s more for the convenience of not having to shave almost every damn day. I hate shaving with a passion lol! 

Tank is introducing me to his kids on Memorial Day. I’d be ok waiting a bit longer just to be double triple sure but at the same time I know he puts a lot of thought into these things so if he feels ready I’m not going to question him. He’s the over-protective type so I know he didn’t make this decision lightly. That’ll be just after the two month mark.

No other news from this very quiet corner of the world.


----------



## Not

LisaDiane said:


> Hi!!! You got a great recommendation for Yoga with Adriene, but I also wanted to add Yoga with Kassandra...the link below is for a 10 minute practice that is a more rapid "flow" (Vinyasa) which I LOVE and have been using as a basic practice every day for the past 3 months, with terrific results!!! It's never boring and can be as challenging as I want it to be, and I can easily add my other favorite poses to it!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Adriene and Kassandra are the two I always do yoga with!!!


Thank you!


----------



## TXTrini

I spent quite a bit of the weekend with my guy, the first time at his place, and we had a really great time. He was more relaxed in his environment and more easygoing and affectionate. It's been a slow but steady burn, I'm glad I didn't move on. He's starting to come out of his shell and we've been silly and having fun together. He commented it was so easy between us, even though we talked about so many things, from ridiculous to profound and he was very happy. 

So the pet names have started more frequently and now on phone calls/in person, so I think he's feeling more comfortable. He kept asking me what was "that look", but he was looking at me the same way. I'm much more relaxed and content now, and not feeling anxious anymore. He's mentioned wanting to introduce me to his social circle once things stabilize. We've both been semi-isolated, and haven't been going out in public spaces.

Classes are back in full swing for me, so just came to give a quick update, hope all is well with everyone. Catch up with you guys later.


----------



## Faithful Wife

An update. Things are mostly the same. My BF is in a different state and we can't visit until it is safer to fly....not knowing when that will be but hoping soon. Tentatively scheduled a visit for the 4th of July weekend. Just praying things don't change for the worse by then and get in the way of flying. Meanwhile, we chat and text and stay in touch. Not much going on for either of us because we are both on lockdown.

Currently obsessed with alllllll the 90 Day Fiance shows! OMG I love this show!!! And a couple of the seasons feature someone from my BF's country, so it's really cool to see scenes from his country and culture and also to compare what those people say and do with my BF's attitudes, etc. It also prompted me to ask BF if he has traditional clothing from his country, something I've never asked him before because I knew he didn't have any clothes like that here and I wasn't sure if those types of clothes were actually common there or if that is just something American TV shows like to focus on. He said yes, he had clothes like that back at home but they would all be old and out of style now. He said he would send me a picture of him in the clothes if he can find one, and also said next time he goes home to visit he will get a new suit made and take pics and also bring it home with him. Squeee!!! That's super sexy to me and I can't wait to see him in that.

Grief after my mom's death is really beating me up. It hurts so much worse than I thought it would. But I know this is just normal and will pass as I go through the grief process. A huge part of why this is hard is because I still have not been able to see my brother after she died. We really needed to hug it out and talk about the whole ordeal after she died (it was a slow and very sad last week with her). Also she had so many close friends who loved her so much, I really wanted to hug them too and just talk about it all. We don't know when we will be able to have a service but hopefully by August. Finally then we can all be together and celebrate and grieve her passing. It has been so hard not to have that time with everyone who loved her. We all feel so lost without her AND without each other. I know it will feel better one day, but for now it just really sucks not having her around.


----------



## Cynthia

@Faithful Wife, I'm so sorry that you are having to suffer alone in your grief. That's so unfair and hard. I don't know if the grief ever goes away for some. For me, in the loss of my grandparents, it takes on a new form over time, but the grief of their loss never goes away. I actually shed tears over memories of my grandfather this morning while reading an essay I wrote about being a grandparent. It is a blessing to have people in our lives who love us so much and we love them back. Your mother will always be a part of you. Everything that she was to you will remain in your heart. Peace to you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Update, this disclaimer has been added to all of my online profiles:


Covid disclaimer:

If you want to text forever, then please move on. If you never want to meet up because covid will kill you, then please move on. If you’d rather your corpse be found in your basement with your mask on, please move on. I’m not here to waste my time or yours.

I’ll keep you posted on how this experiment works.


----------



## minimalME

It sounds very negative. 😌



RebuildingMe said:


> Update, this disclaimer has been added to all of my online profiles:
> 
> 
> Covid disclaimer:
> 
> If you want to text forever, then please move on. If you never want to meet up because covid will kill you, then please move on. If you’d rather your corpse be found in your basement with your mask on, please move on. I’m not here to waste my time or yours.
> 
> I’ll keep you posted on how this experiment works.


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Update, this disclaimer has been added to all of my online profiles:
> 
> 
> Covid disclaimer:
> 
> If you want to text forever, then please move on. If you never want to meet up because covid will kill you, then please move on. If you’d rather your corpse be found in your basement with your mask on, please move on. I’m not here to waste my time or yours.
> 
> I’ll keep you posted on how this experiment works.


Hope this isn't copyrighted because I'm stealing it!


----------



## Blondilocks

RebuildingMe said:


> Update, this disclaimer has been added to all of my online profiles:
> 
> 
> Covid disclaimer:
> 
> If you want to text forever, then please move on. If you never want to meet up because covid will kill you, then please move on. If you’d rather your corpse be found in your basement with your mask on, please move on. I’m not here to waste my time or yours.
> 
> I’ll keep you posted on how this experiment works.


Waiting, waiting...hmmm, it's now 2029 and you still don't have a date? Wonder why?


----------



## RebuildingMe

minimalME said:


> It sounds very negative. 😌


I was trying for direct, not negative


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> Hope this isn't copyrighted because I'm stealing it!


Dude, it’s all yours. Don’t let the negative, liberal, never reopeners get you down


----------



## RebuildingMe

Blondilocks said:


> Waiting, waiting...hmmm, it's now 2029 and you still don't have a date? Wonder why?


Yes, and I’ll be thinking about all the time I saved in 9 years not putting up with the covid idiots out there


----------



## minimalME

Well, you can be direct and say the same thing, but in an opposite way - something other than, 'don't write to me, don't write to me, don't waste my time.' 😂

Perhaps state your preferences, instead of lambasting a woman for hers?



RebuildingMe said:


> I was trying for direct, not negative


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Update, this disclaimer has been added to all of my online profiles:
> 
> 
> Covid disclaimer:
> 
> If you want to text forever, then please move on. If you never want to meet up because covid will kill you, then please move on. If you’d rather your corpse be found in your basement with your mask on, please move on. I’m not here to waste my time or yours.
> 
> I’ll keep you posted on how this experiment works.


I'm going to take a different point of view. If this is truly how you feel, then keep it as it is. Like you said, you don't want to waste your time nor waste anybody else's time. 

I think you'll find there are less women interested in you after they read your profile but the ones that are, will be more compatible.


----------



## Livvie

The sentence about the basement and mask makes it negative. It's a slam on those who might be a little cautious-- comparing caution to hiding in a basement-- with a mask on... getting in your little dig at someone who wears a mask, as well. You say "move on" three times. It's aggressive and negative.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> The sentence about the basement and mask makes it negative. It's a slam on those who might be a little cautious-- comparing caution to hiding in a basement-- with a mask on... getting in your little dig at someone who wears a mask, as well. You say "move on" three times. It's aggressive and negative.


I appreciate your insight as well as everyone else’s. It’s an experiment so it may need to be tweaked. I’ll give it a few days before I make any changes. I’ve continued to get likes, but no one I’m attracted to. I’m also interested to see how many actually read the profile.


----------



## TXTrini

So I spent a couple of days with my dude, we had a good time, he went home not long ago. We met his best friend and his wife yesterday for a double date kind of thing. It seems he wants to see how well I get along with the people in his life, so I suppose we're past "feeling each other out". Funnily, he told me I could be more touchy/feely in public ( I didn't even move to hold his hand when we were walking around), so I said I don't do PDA in front of people's social circles if I don't know where I am in their life.

He thought it would be funny to ask his friend to ask me what my intentions were with him . Of course, being me, I pointed out how ironic, considering he doesn't "like labels" that was and it's a good thing his friend didn't ask, because he may not have liked the answer, especially in front of other people . So that shut that down real quick, I'm not hard and fast on anything, I'm good with direction, and I'm seeing where this is heading, so I'm cool. I hope that's enough to keep other people at bay for the moment, b/c I have no intention of introducing him to anyone else in my life, what would I say? Here's the guy I'm bumping uglies with and we kinda like each other, but I'm not sure what to call it?  Yeah, no. 

Anyways, things are good, I'm much more confident of what I have to offer in a relationship and as a woman. I spent some time after I was starting to get attached super early contemplating why I was feeling so much so soon because I really don't want to rush into anything serious immediately. Everyone kept saying what a crapshoot online dating was, so I thought it might take a while to meet someone who held my interest (I get bored fast if conversation sucks, or a man is too cocky or not well-read or update in current events). I didn't expect to meet someone I really liked this soon, so it really threw me off. 

It's nice to see things are picking up in the world, at least here in Texas- it was a truly beautiful day out. Of the hundreds of people out and about, no-one was social distancing more than usual, and I only saw one woman wearing a mask. All the restaurant workers were masked, and one guy chased me down to read my temperature at the pub we went to. That ****er had to book it to catch up to me, cause I didn't stop for him. I just made sure to wash my hands frequently and step up on my vitamins and supplements to boost my immunity.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> So I spent a couple of days with my dude, we had a good time, he went home not long ago. We met his best friend and his wife yesterday for a double date kind of thing. It seems he wants to see how well I get along with the people in his life, so I suppose we're past "feeling each other out". Funnily, he told me I could be more touchy/feely in public ( I didn't even move to hold his hand when we were walking around), so I said I don't do PDA in front of people's social circles if I don't know where I am in their life.
> 
> He thought it would be funny to ask his friend to ask me what my intentions were with him . Of course, being me, I pointed out how ironic, considering he doesn't "like labels" that was and it's a good thing his friend didn't ask, because he may not have liked the answer, especially in front of other people . So that shut that down real quick, I'm not hard and fast on anything, I'm good with direction, and I'm seeing where this is heading, so I'm cool. I hope that's enough to keep other people at bay for the moment, b/c I have no intention of introducing him to anyone else in my life, what would I say? Here's the guy I'm bumping uglies with and we kinda like each other, but I'm not sure what to call it?  Yeah, no.
> 
> Anyways, things are good, I'm much more confident of what I have to offer in a relationship and as a woman. I spent some time after I was starting to get attached super early contemplating why I was feeling so much so soon because I really don't want to rush into anything serious immediately. Everyone kept saying what a crapshoot online dating was, so I thought it might take a while to meet someone who held my interest (I get bored fast if conversation sucks, or a man is too cocky or not well-read or update in current events). I didn't expect to meet someone I really liked this soon, so it really threw me off.
> 
> It's nice to see things are picking up in the world, at least here in Texas- it was a truly beautiful day out. Of the hundreds of people out and about, no-one was social distancing more than usual, and I only saw one woman wearing a mask. All the restaurant workers were masked, and one guy chased me down to read my temperature at the pub we went to. That ****er had to book it to catch up to me, cause I didn't stop for him. I just made sure to wash my hands frequently and step up on my vitamins and supplements to boost my immunity.


Nice update Texas! I’m happy you had a good weekend and that you live in a state that’s not afraid to open.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So, I have a date today. Going to the beach with drinks, music and a great sense of humor. I’ll let you all know how it works out, if anyone cares, lol. Neither one of us is bringing along PPE. I’m so glad I didn’t have to wait until 2029...before anyone gets cute, the date is with a woman (I hope).


----------



## Not

Gotta add my update too!

Just spent an entire weekend with Tank and had a blast! Motorcycle helmet shopping, riding, sunny beautiful days, met two of his riding friends twice for lunch and drinks, great sex!, movies, bonfire, homemade smoked ribs and got to meet his two kids today.

He also sort of kind of made it official on FB. Posted a pic from the bonfire. We hadn’t told anyone but those closest to us so it was a big baby step.

We had our first argument Friday and emotions got a little high for both of us. There’s a female openly pursuing him who knows about me but is choosing to play dumb. She’s kind of a strange cookie and he doesn’t know how to deal with her and me being a very direct person sort of reamed his ass for not being more direct with her. Defenses went up and things got very quiet between us for the rest of the day. I’m glad this happened though because we learned quite a bit about each other because of it. He handled the situation very well after he cooled off and we had some very good conversation about it and various related topics.

He then told me that his ex girlfriend of two years who he broke up with in October sent him a text while we weren’t talking that day and she wants him back lol! He had a really ****ty day that day. It was just bizarre that she chose that day of all days to contact him. So he replied to her, in front of me, and agreed with her that yes, sending him that text was a selfish thing to do and that he’s with someone new and he doesn’t want her disrespecting me with anymore messages. Then she wanted to know who I was. Unbelievable. Blocked. More good conversation. It’s funny because both incidents had us feeling closer after the dust settled. He was worried he was going to lose me because of these two women. 

Moving onward and upward.

I’ll end with the little tidbit that I had a blast on his bike and may have to adjust to the idea of being a Harley chick. 😃


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Not said:


> Gotta add my update too!
> 
> Moving onward and upward.
> 
> I’ll end with the little tidbit that I had a blast on his bike and may have to adjust to the idea of being a Harley chick. 😃


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> So, I have a date today. Going to the beach with drinks, music and a great sense of humor. I’ll let you all know how it works out, if anyone cares, lol. Neither one of us is bringing along PPE. I’m so glad I didn’t have to wait until 2029...before anyone gets cute, the date is with a woman (I hope).


So how did your date at the beach go?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Date on the beach was pretty good. We had never met or did facetime prior to this, so we both didn't know what to expect. She was just like her photos and she said the same about me. We met at the beach at 4pm, hung out with music, wine and a blanket. She's a little on the old side for me, but she was in great shape. I'd kept checking her out while she wasn't looking. I wore jeans and she was in daisy dukes, so 5 minutes after we met, I was changing in the parking lot into shorts. At this point in my life I don't care and neither does she. We ended up going back to her house and she has a huge house with a 3 tiered deck, pool on an acre of property on the north shore of Long Island. We talked, we went out for dinner (she paid), came back to eat, hung out at the fire pit. She went a little too far down the rabbit hole talking about her ex (she is separated like me, but I am 8 months into divorce and she hasn't even filed yet) which turned me off a little. We hung out about six hours. We made out, but that was it. She has a similar personality to me and is very sarcastic, which I love. She is 7 years older than I though. Not sure how I feel about that. We've been texting all day and she wants to get together again. Also, her 23 year old son lives with her and I met him and his GF. Nice kid, well mannered kid and appears to have be raised right.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

So glad it went mostly well @RebuildingMe !!!!


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Date on the beach was pretty good. We had never met or did facetime prior to this, so we both didn't know what to expect. She was just like her photos and she said the same about me. We met at the beach at 4pm, hung out with music, wine and a blanket. She's a little on the old side for me, but she was in great shape. I'd kept checking her out while she wasn't looking. I wore jeans and she was in daisy dukes, so 5 minutes after we met, I was changing in the parking lot into shorts. At this point in my life I don't care and neither does she. We ended up going back to her house and she has a huge house with a 3 tiered deck, pool on an acre of property on the north shore of Long Island. We talked, we went out for dinner (she paid), came back to eat, hung out at the fire pit. She went a little too far down the rabbit hole talking about her ex (she is separated like me, but I am 8 months into divorce and she hasn't even filed yet) which turned me off a little. We hung out about six hours. We made out, but that was it. She has a similar personality to me and is very sarcastic, which I love. She is 7 years older than I though. Not sure how I feel about that. We've been texting all day and she wants to get together again. Also, her 23 year old son lives with her and I met him and his GF. Nice kid, well mannered kid and appears to have be raised right.


Glad it went so well. See... If you're honest in your profile, you'll find a good match. 

As far as the age difference, what is it about that that you are having trouble with?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Glad it went so well. See... If you're honest in your profile, you'll find a good match.
> 
> As far as the age difference, what is it about that that you are having trouble with?


I’m not sure. I guess I grew up thinking everyone should be about the same age. 7 years is quite a bit older, I think. But I really can’t come up with a logical reason why it’s a hang up for me?


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not sure. I guess I grew up thinking everyone should be about the same age. 7 years is quite a bit older, I think. But I really can’t come up with a logical reason why it’s a hang up for me?


If it don’t feel right, it ain’t right. The particulars won’t matter when it’s right. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## RebuildingMe

So, just an update re: my covid 19 disclaimer. I met another woman (45) about three weeks ago. We've been talking through text and on the phone. I never saw her in person. She had apparently looked back again at my profile and saw the disclaimer and asked me about it. I told her that I wasn't interested in texting relationships. She asked what that meant for her and I said it's pretty self explanatory. Long story short, she invited me over last night to her house last night. She originally canceled and then rescheduled because she felt she was under the gun with my disclaimer. I said to her no pressure at all and no time frames, but I wasn't interested in women who were planning to meet in 2021. Well, she was much more interested in me than I was in her last night. However, I drove an hour and figured we hang out. She made a fire in her backyard and we were listening to music and drinking and have good conversation. Then she got all horny on me and was really into me. I spent about 5 hours with her and she wanted me to spend the night. I declined because I had to pick up the kids today for my birthday and didn't want to lead her on anymore than she was. I was a gentleman. I gave her numerous outs. I also told her that I was speaking to a few women. She didn't care. Long story short, I don't want to be one of "those guys", but I was pretty open and honest with her. It was something I think we both needed at this point in out lives. Truthfully, I am glad to have it behind me as I haven't been with another woman since my separation/divorce filing in December. I was starting to get anxious. 

My point to the update is the cover disclaimer experiment is working. The matches I am getting are much more in touch with what I am looking for. I know some may think I am harsh or direct, but it is having the desired outcome for me.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> So, just an update re: my covid 19 disclaimer. I met another woman (45) about three weeks ago. We've been talking through text and on the phone. I never saw her in person. She had apparently looked back again at my profile and saw the disclaimer and asked me about it. I told her that I wasn't interested in texting relationships. She asked what that meant for her and I said it's pretty self explanatory. Long story short, she invited me over last night to her house last night. She originally canceled and then rescheduled because she felt she was under the gun with my disclaimer. I said to her no pressure at all and no time frames, but I wasn't interested in women who were planning to meet in 2021. Well, she was much more interested in me than I was in her last night. However, I drove an hour and figured we hang out. She made a fire in her backyard and we were listening to music and drinking and have good conversation. Then she got all horny on me and was really into me. I spent about 5 hours with her and she wanted me to spend the night. I declined because I had to pick up the kids today for my birthday and didn't want to lead her on anymore than she was. I was a gentleman. I gave her numerous outs. I also told her that I was speaking to a few women. She didn't care. Long story short, I don't want to be one of "those guys", but I was pretty open and honest with her. It was something I think we both needed at this point in out lives. Truthfully, I am glad to have it behind me as I haven't been with another woman since my separation/divorce filing in December. I was starting to get anxious.
> 
> My point to the update is the cover disclaimer experiment is working. The matches I am getting are much more in touch with what I am looking for. I know some may think I am harsh or direct, but it is having the desired outcome for me.


Well, damn son. You literally started out with a bang! I hope you both outline what it is you are looking for out of this and don't leave any wreckage behind. Good luck and have fun with dating!


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Well, damn son. You literally started out with a bang! I hope you both outline what it is you are looking for out of this and don't leave any wreckage behind. Good luck and have fun with dating!


Thank you! I promise, no wreckage. We are all adults and everyone puts their cards on the table!


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## Affaircare

I have to say, I am encouraged to hear this @RebuildingMe. I have personally thought, for a long time, that if you honestly be You when dating, you will either find those who "like" You and want to try getting together, or they will see You for who you truly are, and just say "no thanks not my cuppa tea." Well HUZZAH--just saved a bunch of time and heartache! 

Be You. There's only the one You and the idea is to find someone who can see You, and know You...and still like You.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you! I promise, no wreckage. We are all adults and everyone puts their cards on the table!


Best way to be, imo! People already get hurt unintentionally, so transparency is always best. Nothing wrong with adults having fun, once they are mature about it. Sounds like you're at a great starting point. 




Affaircare said:


> I have to say, I am encouraged to hear this @RebuildingMe. I have personally thought, for a long time, that if you honestly be You when dating, you will either find those who "like" You and want to try getting together, or they will see You for who you truly are, and just say "no thanks not my cuppa tea." Well HUZZAH--just saved a bunch of time and heartache!
> 
> Be You. There's only the one You and the idea is to find someone who can see You, and know You...and still like You.


I totally agree Affaircare! There's no point in trying to be anything other than yourself, it's just a matter of time before masks fall. Might as well put your best and worst feet forward, there's so much less artifice and misunderstandings when you present yourself unapologetically.


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you! I promise, no wreckage. We are all adults and everyone puts their cards on the table!


Sometimes that doesn't work. Haha Even after both of us being upfront and setting boundaries my FWB was getting too attached so I had to distance myself.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> Sometimes that doesn't work. Haha Even after both of us being upfront and setting boundaries my FWB was getting too attached so I had to distance myself.


Yep, I hear they never seem to work out (FWB). However, like an ass I’m trying to be the exception. LOL


----------



## RebuildingMe

Affaircare said:


> I have to say, I am encouraged to hear this @RebuildingMe. I have personally thought, for a long time, that if you honestly be You when dating, you will either find those who "like" You and want to try getting together, or they will see You for who you truly are, and just say "no thanks not my cuppa tea." Well HUZZAH--just saved a bunch of time and heartache!
> 
> Be You. There's only the one You and the idea is to find someone who can see You, and know You...and still like You.


I’m trying to be totally honest with everyone I meet right up front. Some women appreciate it and some others are turned off by the baggage. Either way, I sleep well at night. I’m not a player, and I hope I express that. Either way, I’m far happier than I ever was in my marriage.


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Yep, I hear they never seem to work out (FWB). However, like an ass I’m trying to be the exception. LOL


It worked for a couple of months. Ill take a couple months off then try again when I get that itch LOL


----------



## bkyln309

Not sure if I shared it here or not, my ex husband passed away suddenly. So I went from a co-parenting situation to a situation where I am a full time single parent. Luckily, I had not been doing much dating except with the older man. Thanks to therapy it seems to be going alot better with us. Dont know if there is a future or not but the discussion is happening and the communication has been great.


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## 3Xnocharm

Oh no! I’m so sorry! Can you share what happened? I hope your kids are okay. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

bkyln309 said:


> Not sure if I shared it here or not, my ex husband passed away suddenly. So I went from a co-parenting situation to a situation where I am a full time single parent. Luckily, I had not been doing much dating except with the older man. Thanks to therapy it seems to be going alot better with us. Dont know if there is a future or not but the discussion is happening and the communication has been great.


That's definitely an adjustment. How is everyone doing?

ETA: And my condolences as well. I'm sorry to hear that your children have lost their father. I didn't mean to be insensitive by not expressing this earlier.


----------



## Blondilocks

bkyln309 said:


> Not sure if I shared it here or not, my ex husband passed away suddenly. So I went from a co-parenting situation to a situation where I am a full time single parent. Luckily, I had not been doing much dating except with the older man. Thanks to therapy it seems to be going alot better with us. Dont know if there is a future or not but the discussion is happening and the communication has been great.


I'm so sorry your children have lost their father.


----------



## TXTrini

So when are you not considered a "New Single of TAM"? Asking for a friend! 

All kidding aside, though, my guy and I are "officially" in a relationship, though we decided very early on to be exclusive, neither of us cared to "spin plates" to use the PUA term. I've been periodically squashing my feelings for him to keep it manageable while I waited because, in all honesty, I'm in no rush, so I didn't mind waiting to see. 

I put the brakes on meeting his peeps after meeting a few of his friends, as he wasn't happy about the lack of PDA during the double date. Honestly, I have no problem with PDA in front of strangers, but I'm reserved in front of people who matter unless I know where I stand. I wasn't trying to apply pressure, but that was my line in the sand. He mistakenly thought I wanted serious commitment when I asked about relationship status.


Now I assume he's still anti-label, and that's ok, but I don't care to be introduced to anyone as "this chick I'm banging." We had some great moments this weekend, though I've been careful about giving him his space now he's back home and "recovering." That's hard! When I'm into someone, I want to be up to their butt... Not really, but you get the picture. He mostly prefers to come over; I suspect it's my pancakes, my pancakes brings the boys to my yard (it's a long drive, and it's easier just to stay the weekend). I won't lie though; I do take pride showing off ma skillz. 

Anyway, despite everything still being new and uncertain, I'm very happy. You know, I'd gotten used to the misery my life was before and stopped wanting things for myself.


----------



## TXTrini

bkyln309 said:


> Not sure if I shared it here or not, my ex husband passed away suddenly. So I went from a co-parenting situation to a situation where I am a full time single parent. Luckily, I had not been doing much dating except with the older man. Thanks to therapy it seems to be going alot better with us. Dont know if there is a future or not but the discussion is happening and the communication has been great.


I hope your kids are ok. I don't know your story to know if it's appropriate, but please accept my heartfelt condolences.


----------



## FeministInPink

@TXTrini The NEW in the title refers to this being a new thread, not new singles vs old singles. This thread has been going on at least 6 years, maybe longer. After the new year, someone who's been on a while starts a new thread, directs folks to pickup their convos on the new thread, and asks a mod to close the old thread.

Re your guy--in my experience, guys who take issue with labels are usually the ones who also have commitment "issues." I put that in quotes because sometimes it's only an issue if the woman wants a commitment and he doesn't.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## cma62

Not said:


> Yay! New thread lol!
> 
> My trip cross country was awesome. I drove from the Great Lakes area to southern Washington state by myself and absolutely loved it. I love to drive anyway. I had my caffeine, nicotine and my music and made it out there in two days. I spent the night in Cheyenne. From there D24 and I drove south to the Lake Tahoe area and spent Christmas with my family and relaxed for three days then got back home one week after I left. I love doing things like that but it did kick my butt lol! It took me a good week to recover catching up on all the sleep I didn’t get while I was gone.
> 
> The latest with me is Sky is no longer in the picture, just to much going on with his daughter. I’m really ok with that because I just couldn’t get into him like I did the first time I was seeing him. It wasn’t working for me.
> 
> Also, I’m pretty sure I have gallstones. I mentioned in the old thread I had something going on and it’s only getting worse. My doc has me doing an elimination diet but that hasn’t helped at all. It’s getting to the point where I’m having trouble coping with the pain and vomiting. Time to tell my doc this is NOT a food sensitivity, not when a sneeze or cough or a bumpy road can set off an attack. Sooo, I see surgery in my near future.
> 
> Life is good otherwise.
> 
> I’m back on plenty of fish and wondering why I bother lol! The sheer number of “oh hell no” and “you have got to be kidding” is as bad as ever. I’ve seen ONE guy who had me all excited but he lives a few hours away. It’s ironic how my desire to meet someone lessens more and more as I spend more time on that site. Kind of good therapy actually lol! It shows me how good my life is just the way it is.


@Not ...Good to hear life is working out for you.
After years of fence sitting , I finally left 11 months ago. Legal proceedings still active, so not single and not ready to date yet. Too much baggage from a 34 year marriage, but in time I will get there. @3Xnocharm ... yes you are reading correctly. After encouraging others and offering support regarding whether to stay or go, I finally took some of my own advice.


----------



## TXTrini

FeministInPink said:


> @TXTrini The NEW in the title refers to this being a new thread, not new singles vs old singles. This thread has been going on at least 6 years, maybe longer. After the new year, someone who's been on a while starts a new thread, directs folks to pickup their convos on the new thread, and asks a mod to close the old thread.
> 
> Re your guy--in my experience, guys who take issue with labels are usually the ones who also have commitment "issues." I put that in quotes because sometimes it's only an issue if the woman wants a commitment and he doesn't.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


Hey FeministinPink, thank for the clarification. I'm rather enjoying sharing everyone's journeys, my social network is rather limited atm, so you guys are it, as sad as that sounds. 

I'm not taking issue with serious commitment at this point in my life if it turns out to be that. It hasn't been a year yet since my life blew up and I have quite a road ahead. If it works out, great, I really like him so far. If it doesn't, I know I'll definitely be ok and continued my journey, I've come through much worse.

How are things with my party people?! Yes, I just totally dated myself as coming of age in the 90's


----------



## 3Xnocharm

cma62 said:


> @Not ...Good to hear life is working out for you.
> After years of fence sitting , I finally left 11 months ago. Legal proceedings still active, so not single and not ready to date yet. Too much baggage from a 34 year marriage, but in time I will get there. @3Xnocharm ... yes you are reading correctly. After encouraging others and offering support regarding whether to stay or go, I finally took some of my own advice.


Omg I’m so happy for you and proud of you!! I hope you are finding your way and coming into peace!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## bkyln309

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh no! I’m so sorry! Can you share what happened? I hope your kids are okay.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He was morbidly obese with out of control diabetes. Apparently he got a cut on his feet but couldnt feel it due to swelling and he went into sepsis and it killed him. My daughter believes he allowed himself to die. He always struggled with his mental health and she believes he knew he was sick and let himself die. 
Both kids are acting normal but I have them in contact with the Child Bereavement Center in my city. The therapist there says it takes about 2-4 weeks for the reality to hit.

The funeral was hard because my ex SIL made a scene at the wake and was screaming at me. Long story but totally inappropriate (she thinks I am the devil for divorcing him). The whole family has issues. My therapist thinks I will have less anxiety since I do not have to deal with this family.


----------



## Not

cma62 said:


> @Not ...Good to hear life is working out for you.
> After years of fence sitting , I finally left 11 months ago. Legal proceedings still active, so not single and not ready to date yet. Too much baggage from a 34 year marriage, but in time I will get there. @3Xnocharm ... yes you are reading correctly. After encouraging others and offering support regarding whether to stay or go, I finally took some of my own advice.


OMG, I’ve thought of you often and wondered what ever happened with you! I’m so glad you popped in and updated! You‘re not still under the same roof are you? I hope not. The relief in getting away is indescribable and I hope you’re experiencing that now. I still feel it. He was here a few days ago to drop off a prescription for D18 and it’s now like talking to a neighbor, so strange after so many years spent with him. No animosity, no anger and no nastiness. No Regret! Just total acceptance that it’s all in the past now.

I understand the baggage issue very well, I’m still dealing with it. Years of that training to undo. I was just thinking about it yesterday. The behaviors I adopted to make it through are now so damaging when it comes to forming new relationships. Communication is a big one. Allowing myself to be vulnerable is another. I do get angry that I have to go through this but the anger fuels me to keep moving forward and get better and better. 

Please keep us posted on your progress. I hope he’s behaving himself with the legal issues!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

bkyln309 said:


> He was morbidly obese with out of control diabetes. Apparently he got a cut on his feet but couldnt feel it due to swelling and he went into sepsis and it killed him. My daughter believes he allowed himself to die. He always struggled with his mental health and she believes he knew he was sick and let himself die.
> Both kids are acting normal but I have them in contact with the Child Bereavement Center in my city. The therapist there says it takes about 2-4 weeks for the reality to hit.
> 
> The funeral was hard because my ex SIL made a scene at the wake and was screaming at me. Long story but totally inappropriate (she thinks I am the devil for divorcing him). The whole family has issues. My therapist thinks I will have less anxiety since I do not have to deal with this family.


Oh wow, that’s awful. How old are your children? My daughter was 19 when her dad (my first XH) committed suicide. I hope they take the help offered with the therapist. 

I’m so sorry this happened. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## bkyln309

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh wow, that’s awful. How old are your children? My daughter was 19 when her dad (my first XH) committed suicide. I hope they take the help offered with the therapist.
> 
> I’m so sorry this happened.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


They are 12 and 13. Going to start group grief therapy for teens and individual therapy.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> So when are you not considered a "New Single of TAM"? Asking for a friend!
> 
> All kidding aside, though, my guy and I are "officially" in a relationship, though we decided very early on to be exclusive, neither of us cared to "spin plates" to use the PUA term. I've been periodically squashing my feelings for him to keep it manageable while I waited because, in all honesty, I'm in no rush, so I didn't mind waiting to see.
> 
> I put the brakes on meeting his peeps after meeting a few of his friends, as he wasn't happy about the lack of PDA during the double date. Honestly, I have no problem with PDA in front of strangers, but I'm reserved in front of people who matter unless I know where I stand. I wasn't trying to apply pressure, but that was my line in the sand. He mistakenly thought I wanted serious commitment when I asked about relationship status.
> 
> 
> Now I assume he's still anti-label, and that's ok, but I don't care to be introduced to anyone as "this chick I'm banging." We had some great moments this weekend, though I've been careful about giving him his space now he's back home and "recovering." That's hard! When I'm into someone, I want to be up to their butt... Not really, but you get the picture. He mostly prefers to come over; I suspect it's my pancakes, my pancakes brings the boys to my yard (it's a long drive, and it's easier just to stay the weekend). I won't lie though; I do take pride showing off ma skillz.
> 
> Anyway, despite everything still being new and uncertain, I'm very happy. You know, I'd gotten used to the misery my life was before and stopped wanting things for myself.


Texas, I’m real happy for you that things are progressing. I don’t like to hear people “hung up” on labels. To me, it’s a little bit childish of him. You deserve to know where you stand in his heart. I hope things continue to progress for you, whichever path that is.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Update: FWB doesn’t seem to be panning out as she is catching feelings. We are taking a break from that. I have been speaking to this new girl for a week. We are meeting tomorrow at the beach. Covid disclaimer is working just fine. No one can ever accuse me of being dishonest, other things maybe, but not dishonesty, lol. 

For those keeping track at home, the older girl I met at the beach a few weeks ago was fun.I enjoyed her company. We met twice and I thought we both had a great time. However, she is two months removed from kicking out her husband and she has no clue what she wants. At this time, moving onward and upward.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Texas, I’m real happy for you that things are progressing. I don’t like to hear people “hung up” on labels. To me, it’s a little bit childish of him. You deserve to know where you stand in his heart. I hope things continue to progress for you, whichever path that is.


Thank you. He's still getting used to taking me at my word. Apparently, he's had some very bad experiences with previous relationships. I don't hold that against him though, I of all people understand how that goes. Otherwise, he's been very kind and sensitive with me, in and out of the bedroom. I'm still learning to trust myself and my judgment again. It's funny, I don't have an issue trusting him for some reason. I thought I would have issues, but I'm convinced my instincts that he is just as sensitive and afraid of being vulnerable as I am are spot on. Only time will tell, right?



RebuildingMe said:


> Update: FWB doesn’t seem to be panning out as she is catching feelings. We are taking a break from that. I have been speaking to this new girl for a week. We are meeting tomorrow at the beach. Covid disclaimer is working just fine. No one can ever accuse me of being dishonest, other things maybe, but not dishonesty, lol.
> 
> For those keeping track at home, the older girl I met at the beach a few weeks ago was fun.I enjoyed her company. We met twice and I thought we both had a great time. However, she is two months removed from kicking out her husband and she has no clue what she wants. At this time, moving onward and upward.


Well it sounds like someone has more than they can handle! I'm glad you were honest and mature about things with FWB. It sucks to be ghosted; even if it wasn't anything emotional, it's a huge and unnecessary blow to someone's confidence. I had the misfortune to have that happen, it wasn't fun. 

I'd definitely recommend being yourself, and eventually, you'll find a lady that compliments you in every way, once you are ready and open to that.


----------



## cma62

Not said:


> OMG, I’ve thought of you often and wondered what ever happened with you! I’m so glad you popped in and updated! You‘re not still under the same roof are you? I hope not. The relief in getting away is indescribable and I hope you’re experiencing that now. I still feel it. He was here a few days ago to drop off a prescription for D18 and it’s now like talking to a neighbor, so strange after so many years spent with him. No animosity, no anger and no nastiness. No Regret! Just total acceptance that it’s all in the past now.
> 
> I understand the baggage issue very well, I’m still dealing with it. Years of that training to undo. I was just thinking about it yesterday. The behaviors I adopted to make it through are now so damaging when it comes to forming new relationships. Communication is a big one. Allowing myself to be vulnerable is another. I do get angry that I have to go through this but the anger fuels me to keep moving forward and get better and better.
> 
> Please keep us posted on your progress. I hope he’s behaving himself with the legal issues!


Thank you ...no not living under the same roof. My oldest son is single and welcomed me into his home. Leaving I could finally see the forest for the trees and how toxic and dysfunctional the marriage had become. I know how you feel about adapting certain behaviours and coping mechanisms to keep the peace and not ruffle feathers for my kids sake.
It’s liberating, no more walking on eggshells , no more acquiescing him at my own detriment, I could go on but you get it.
Unfortunately he is playing games legally.... won’t answer my lawyers letters etc... courts will be open soon, that might be the only thing to force his hand if he is stalling and not complying.
It is not going to be easy at all, and 34 years is a long time, but this was a necessity for my mental health.
I like myself again which I haven’t for many years as I had no self respect for what I was enduring and not doing anything about.
My future looks so much brighter. Still a long way to go as legal proceedings have just started.
Thank you so much for reaching out.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Met this new girl on Friday at the beach. We hung out most of the night. Met her again Saturday night at a makeshift drive in movie. Didn’t get home until 6am. The first one that I’ve met that I really like. She’s the same age as me and is divorced with three boys. She knows my current situation. Hopefully there is potential with us. I paused my dating profiles atm.


----------



## heartsbeating

Wow they must have been showing a trilogy..! I joke, good stuff.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Met this new girl on Friday at the beach. We hung out most of the night. Met her again Saturday night at a makeshift drive in movie. Didn’t get home until 6am. The first one that I’ve met that I really like. She’s the same age as me and is divorced with three boys. She knows my current situation. Hopefully there is potential with us. I paused my dating profiles atm.


Paused your dating profiles! Someone got bit in the ass by the lurve bug


----------



## Not

Tank got me into his gym for the first time last week. I had signed up at my local gym back in October but then began having trouble with possible gallstones and never got my butt in there. I rediscovered my competitive side on that treadmill last week. When I find something I like, really like, I tend to go full tilt with it but hadn’t experienced that in so long. I’m going to like this!

Before lockdown and everything closing Tank was in the gym all the time, he’s been going nuts without access. I’m so looking forward to this with him and I need it.

I lost an old friend Sunday. When xH and I first moved here after his discharge from the USMC we had a roommate, Eric. Eric was just one year younger than me, skinny butt his whole life and didn’t smoke or do drugs and stayed in shape, both him and his wife. He passed away very suddenly from an assumed heart attack, still waiting to hear on the autopsy results.

I’m so sad and for the first time really feeling my age with this happening.

Eric gave me one of my first tattoos. He was just starting out, fresh out of high school so I was one of his many ”guinea pigs” from back then. There were a lot of us lol! He became successful and eventually opened a shop. I look at this tattoo and can’t believe he’s gone. He was 20 and I was 21. In a way it feels like the beginning of my own death, a part of my history just vanishing like that. Sort of like the nothing taking everything in the Never Ending Story.


----------



## Hiner112

I'm not dating yet but I have created a profile on Match. They've recently (in the last couple of months, I think) made a change that I think is for the worse. They used to have a section at the bottom of the profiles that would summarize the ways that their preferences and your profile matched up or not. It would say "Looking for Divorced, separated, singe - you are divorced" in the matched section and then below that was a section for mismatches "Looking for 5'10" - 6'8" - you are short". It is going to lead to so many wasted messages and lots of wasted time. For instance if a woman is looking for "tall, dark, and handsome" I shouldn't bother starting a conversation since I'm "short, pale, and meh". There is a "percentage match" there but that is of usefulness since I can only guess that it has an equal weight to things but the amount that someone drinks or smokes isn't as important as things like body type and marital status generally (and weighting could vary from person to person).


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I'm not dating yet but I have created a profile on Match. They've recently (in the last couple of months, I think) made a change that I think is for the worse. They used to have a section at the bottom of the profiles that would summarize the ways that their preferences and your profile matched up or not. It would say "Looking for Divorced, separated, singe - you are divorced" in the matched section and then below that was a section for mismatches "Looking for 5'10" - 6'8" - you are short". It is going to lead to so many wasted messages and lots of wasted time. For instance if a woman is looking for "tall, dark, and handsome" I shouldn't bother starting a conversation since I'm "short, pale, and meh". There is a "percentage match" there but that is of usefulness since I can only guess that it has an equal weight to things but the amount that someone drinks or smokes isn't as important as things like body type and marital status generally (and weighting could vary from person to person).


Just read! You'll be ok. The worst someone could say is no, or just not like you back. Honestly, no matter how good things look on paper, people either lie to make themselves look good sometimes, or there's no spark when you meet. It's just another means of introduction, nothing more.


----------



## RandomDude

Just thought this was a cute song about hope:


----------



## minimalME

I love this song! 🥰



RandomDude said:


> Just thought this was a cute song about hope:


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Just read! You'll be ok. *The worst someone could say is no, or just not like you back.* Honestly, no matter how good things look on paper, people either lie to make themselves look good sometimes, or there's no spark when you meet. It's just another means of introduction, nothing more.


One time when I was a kid I whined to my mom about missing my favorite cartoon. Her response was, "If that is the worst thing that happens to you, you'll have a great life." I would hope that over the last two decades that I've been out of the dating pool that my peers have learned at least that much tact and empathy but the worst they could say is definitely worse than just "no".


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner, it’s actually fun so give it time. Be specific as to what you are looking for in a potential match, and realize no one is likely to check every single one of your boxes and that’s ok too. This was something I needed to learn myself. I’ve met 6-7 women in person the last 2-3 months. Some were a no go, some I saw again, one was a quick FWB and one has me hooked already...lol. Good luck brother! Keep us posted.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> One time when I was a kid I whined to my mom about missing my favorite cartoon. Her response was, "If that is the worst thing that happens to you, you'll have a great life." I would hope that over the last two decades that I've been out of the dating pool that my peers have learned at least that much tact and empathy but the worst they could say is definitely worse than just "no".


If they say worse to you, then be thankful you saw their ugly side before you wasted time and emotion on them, my dear. Crass, inconsiderate people aren't worth your time.


----------



## Lila

@Hiner112 I too am torn. On one hand, I would like to get out there and start dating again but on the other, I'm in a good place mentally - no anxiety, happy, content. I know if I go back to online dating, all of that will change but meeting people in real life right now is pretty much impossible. 

Life as a hermit has it's perks. I leave the house to go to the gym, groceries, or the occasional doctor's appointment. I can count on one hand the number of times I've worn makeup... no need when I'm wearing a face mask whenever I leave the house. And I finally wore my beloved heels for the first time last Thursday (girlfriend's birthday forced me to get dolled up and out of the house for the first time since Valentine's day). There's no pressure to "keep up with the Kardashians". Lol. 

I wish there was more happening to allow people to meet in real life. (Sigh). I think that's what I'm missing. The social interaction.


----------



## Not

I go back to work the first week of July! With everything opening back up I’m keeping my fingers crossed that all goes according to plan and I can stay back at work. If we have another shut down due to another resurgence of new cases I don’t know that my employer can be as generous a second time and keep paying us to be home. Fingers crossed!

Tank and I hit the three month mark this month, things are really good. We see each other once or twice during the week for dinner and overnight and usually both days every other weekend. We live close enough to each other that this shouldn’t change much once I go back to work. We can leave for work from each other’s houses.

He surprised me one day last week and showed up at my place after work because he missed me. We were on the same wavelength that day because I was missing him pretty bad that day too but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make him feel like he was obligated to see me. So the fact that he showed up like that when it was actually a huge hassle for him to do so with his work schedule that day was super sweet. He went way out of his way for that visit.

We get to missing each other like that and I love that. It’s that missing each other that has me thinking I don’t want anything to change, at least not for a good long time. Seeing each other everyday doesn’t seem like it would be as special. We really value the time we do spend together because we don’t get a ton of time together. And he’s a project guy, always working on something, so this gives him plenty of time for himself and the things he likes to do around his house and with his bikes. Although he does say he would like for me to be there so he can just look at me lol! I’m happy with the way things are for now.


----------



## Numb26

I am officially a "New Single in 2020". Yaa me!


----------



## OnTheFly

Numb26 said:


> I am officially a "New Single in 2020". Yaa me!


 Congrats! That thread on who pays for dates must have you excited to get back out there, eh!


----------



## Numb26

OnTheFly said:


> Congrats! That thread on who pays for dates must have you excited to get back out there, eh!


That's a "no" from me. Haha


----------



## LisaDiane

OnTheFly said:


> Congrats! That thread on who pays for dates must have you excited to get back out there, eh!


Lolol!!!!!! You are SO funny!!!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

My girl and I have been dating for 3 weeks now. I haven’t met her kids and she hasn’t met mine, with NO plans to do so in the near future. Yesterday was a big day. She picked me up at my apartment (I am living with my brother until divorce is final) and she met my bother and SIL. She bought a bottle of wine and flowers. She saw my apartment. We the went shopping for stuff to bring over her friends house for a backyard party. She spent $45. I met her friends and their SO. No one wore masks and we all had a good time. We then had our first “sleepover” at her house. I noticed some things that were annoying me such as a running toilet, clogged sink and a missing screen in her son’s room. We got up late, went to home depot and I fixed the three annoyances. I left a little while ago and as she walked me out to my car, I left $45 on her kitchen counter. Just wanted to make that point for my haters in the previously mentioned “men pay for dates thread”. Things are progressing nicely so far.


----------



## RandomDude

**** money, it comes and goes. My girlfriend and I laugh at people who split bills. It's just stupid and what a way to kill a vibe.

You shouldn't have to force someone to want to contribute. We spend hundreds on dollars on each other and still fight over who pays (we both want to pay) to this day.


----------



## TXTrini

So I just spent the last weekend with my guy before his month with his son. We had a great time together and I miss him already. He was quite emotional today, worried that I'd find someone else in the meantime - I was worried he mightn't keep up communication with me, but we talked things out. You know, I never realized things could be that way... if I said something that displeased my ex, he'd get angry, then cold and not talk to me for days and renewed that if I brought it up again. I'd resigned myself to that, largely because I never dreamed of divorcing because I didn't consider that "bad enough"

It looks like my instincts about him at the beginning were right, I got my instinct mojo back, yeahhh boi . We still haven't said those three little words, but I feel it's there anyway judging from the emotion in his eyes when he looked at me when we talked and we both had to grab for the tissues. Honestly, I'm content now and appreciate the breathing space and the pace. There's been so many adjustments the last 6 months and I'm still catching my breath. I've never been one to move super fast anyway, I tend to be cynical, like most people when emotions are involved I suppose.

Anyway, just a little update on my end. I hope you all are doing well and enjoying life a little despite the current turmoil.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> So I just spent the last weekend with my guy before his month with his son. We had a great time together and I miss him already. He was quite emotional today, worried that I'd find someone else in the meantime - I was worried he mightn't keep up communication with me, but we talked things out. You know, I never realized things could be that way... if I said something that displeased my ex, he'd get angry, then cold and not talk to me for days and renewed that if I brought it up again. I'd resigned myself to that, largely because I never dreamed of divorcing because I didn't consider that "bad enough"
> 
> It looks like my instincts about him at the beginning were right, I got my instinct mojo back, yeahhh boi . We still haven't said those three little words, but I feel it's there anyway judging from the emotion in his eyes when he looked at me when we talked and we both had to grab for the tissues. Honestly, I'm content now and appreciate the breathing space and the pace. There's been so many adjustments the last 6 months and I'm still catching my breath. I've never been one to move super fast anyway, I tend to be cynical, like most people when emotions are involved I suppose.
> 
> Anyway, just a little update on my end. I hope you all are doing well and enjoying life a little despite the current turmoil.


I know you had your doubts over the last several months. I’m glad you are now seeing things more clearly.


----------



## Lila

The more I interact with single people (women and men), the less desire I have to date. 

They say that wisdom comes with age but I spent the weekend watching middle aged people (mostly single/dating) act just like the typical 20 year old. I learned most people don't outgrow their crazy.


----------



## Livvie

Lila said:


> The more I interact with single people (women and men), the less desire I have to date.
> 
> They say that wisdom comes with age but I spent the weekend watching middle aged people (mostly single/dating) act just like the typical 20 year old. I learned most people don't outgrow their crazy.


Yes. Nor do they outgrow their big dysfunction, usually.


----------



## Openminded

The old saying that people grow older but don’t always grow up applies to many, unfortunately.


----------



## Hiner112

I'm going to add some positivity. It was a bit of an odd experience at the dentist. It felt kind of like a good date.

When the dental hygienist brought me in from the parking lot she seemed genuinely interested in the book I brought along. We talked about the themes in the book and wondered if this sci fi author lived long enough to see how some of the predictions turned out. We talked about my working from home, my long commute, and we laughed about trying to work from home as a dental hygienist. She complimented my "beautiful teeth".

It wasn't flirting but it felt like it.


----------



## RandomDude

That could be anything, but were you interested? If so, did you capitalise on the opportunity she presented? Do you have a date?


----------



## Hiner112

I'll assume that was directed to me. In retrospect the "anything" was just a friendly woman in her professional setting.

One of the first things she said to me was that she loves sci fi so she would be of my tribe. I'm sure that we would get along well at the book club. She was interesting to talk to, friendly, and had very pretty eyes. Was I interested? To quote Tom Petty "Oh my my. Oh hell yes".

However, she has a toddler at home and I'm relatively certain there was a ring of some kind on the third finger of her left hand though she only had hands without gloves for a very short time so I'm not 100% sure. Two indications that we're in different places in life (my kids are at least a decade older) and she's likely actually unavailable.

No date but honestly, it kind of made my day.


----------



## RandomDude

Well, you have to follow your instincts. If you believe it's purely platonic, then yeah, however if inside you believe there could be more, dip your toe in the water so to speak...

Due to a large age gap, my girlfriend and I were in two completely different places in life, I was semi-retiring and she was only beginning her studies for her career. Then the virus hit, and now I'm on a financial decline with my business on ice while looking for an alternate industry and she's continuing her studies so overall same boat. I also have a child while she has yet to bear a child of her own.

You are also not sure if that was a marital ring, you said third finger? So all I see right now is an opportunity, and they should always be seized especially if you are interested. I saw my girlfriend at a reception, was interested, came back and wrote a note with my number on it, was even the third pick-up attempt she received that day (she gets hordes of men after her), and three years later still together.


----------



## Hiner112

Good news, bad news for me this week. 

Bad news: without doing any traveling, visiting, or being visited we somehow managed to get bedbugs. 

Good news: part of the preparation for the treatment is taking everything off the walls and removing all the pictures so the marriage paraphernalia that I hadn't taken down or dealt with has been.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## 2&out

The not growing up stuff made me grin - thanks  I started hanging with someone a little but an evening with a couple attempts at some serious topics/discussion that I didn't take "serious", and then a "that's your 4th drink !" ended that. Being mature isn't my best trait.... LOL


----------



## RebuildingMe

2&out said:


> The not growing up stuff made me grin - thanks  I started hanging with someone a little but an evening with a couple attempts at some serious topics/discussion that I didn't take "serious", and then a "that's your 4th drink !" ended that. Being mature isn't my best trait.... LOL


If she’s already counting your drinks....run. Run fast and run far. Don’t fall for a lifetime of “isn’t that your 4th drink”? I’m cringing...


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> If she’s already counting your drinks....run. Run fast and run far. Don’t fall for a lifetime of “isn’t that your 4th drink”? I’m cringing...


I would never mention the drinks out loud, but I would definitely notice if he tended to be a heavy drinker...!!!
No matter how much you like someone or how wonderful they are when they are sober, alcohol can change EVERYTHING about them!


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> If she’s already counting your drinks....run. Run fast and run far. Don’t fall for a lifetime of “isn’t that your 4th drink”? I’m cringing...


Like THIS...Lolol!!!!!


----------



## OnTheFly

Maybe @2&out can clarify, was it four drinks in the last 20 minutes or all evening? Lol,


----------



## RebuildingMe

LisaDiane said:


> I would never mention the drinks out loud, but I would definitely notice if he tended to be a heavy drinker...!!!
> No matter how much you like someone or how wonderful they are when they are sober, alcohol can change EVERYTHING about them!


But they just started hanging out. She’s already counting drinks....red flag. I suppose those married to an alcoholic feel different. However, at 49, I don’t want to be nagged or lectured to. Just me...


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> But they just started hanging out. She’s already counting drinks....red flag. I suppose those married to an alcoholic feel different. However, at 49, I don’t want to be nagged or lectured to. Just me...


Oh sure!! I don't blame you! Nagging never works anyway...


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> I would never mention the drinks out loud, but I would definitely notice if he tended to be a heavy drinker...!!!
> *No matter how much you like someone or how wonderful they are when they are sober, alcohol can change EVERYTHING about them!*


9/10 this is exactly what I have seen happen. Super gracious and nice people turn into suspicious, obnoxious, argumentative, belligerent and/or overly flirtatious assholes. 

For ex. I was at a small house party at the lake not long ago. Everyone was having a good time until they passed the tipping point from tipsy to drunk. The host got into a fight with her SO because, in her drunk mind, he was using me to make her jealous. These people are older than me! Who does that outside of high school? Another guest kept invading my personal space the more he drank. I took off when he tried to corner me outside the bathroom. Again, who does that outside of high school? Crazy, drunk people. That's who.


----------



## OnTheFly

I get sleepy if I have too much, this is dangerous if you have smartass friends. Needless to say, I rarely over imbibed around them. I had a friend (he was 6’4” in highschool) who liked to “wrestle” when drunk. Just imagine a drunk, tall orangutan . Not fun!


----------



## LisaDiane

I would always be happy and oblivious when I drank too much (I quit drinking when I was 23 to support my first husband quitting)...I remember my friends stopping me from going outside with some strange guy I met at the bar who wanted to "show me something" in his car...and I was like, "Oh NEAT!! Sure!" -- NOT good for a 5'0" girl...!!!!


----------



## OnTheFly

LisaDiane said:


> I would always be happy and oblivious when I drank too much (I quit drinking when I was 23 to support my first husband quitting)...I remember my friends stopping me from going outside with some strange guy I met at the bar *who wanted to "show me something" in his ca*r...and I was like, "Oh NEAT!! Sure!" -- NOT good for a 5'0" girl...!!!!


The gearshifter?

I can't imagine what else it could've been??


----------



## LisaDiane

OnTheFly said:


> The gearshifter?
> 
> I can't imagine what else it could've been??


Lol!!! Well, it was a LOOOOONG time ago and I was drunk...I barely remember!! I just remember my friends grabbing my arm as I was going out the door, saying, "Ah, NOOOOO!!!!"

EVERYTHING seems like a harmless, great idea to me when I drink...Lol!


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> I would never mention the drinks out loud, but I would definitely notice if he tended to be a heavy drinker...!!!
> No matter how much you like someone or how wonderful they are when they are sober, alcohol can change EVERYTHING about them!


My ex is a functional alcoholic, his mother was a non-functional alcoholic. There is no way in hell I want to deal with anything like that again, it wore me down. It's definitely a dealbreaker for me, and I don't care how many drinks before they get drunk, I wouldn't Police, I'd just not be interested. I rarely drink but have nothing against alcohol itself, it's all about self-control and self-indulgence. 



LisaDiane said:


> I would always be happy and oblivious when I drank too much (I quit drinking when I was 23 to support my first husband quitting)...I remember my friends stopping me from going outside with some strange guy I met at the bar who wanted to "show me something" in his car...and I was like, "Oh NEAT!! Sure!" -- NOT good for a 5'0" girl...!!!!


Yeah, I'm a horny drunk. I would find myself banging some stranger, no thanks!


----------



## Hiner112

I've been around and helped to clean up after my fair share of drunks. I'm not going to be in a relationship with one. It would have to be a very rare occurrence for me to accept it in a partner.

I have only very rarely indulged (maybe two dozen times in as many years). I don't think that the people that were around me could tell that I had been in terms of personality. I would lose the ability to vocalize and walk though.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> My ex is a functional alcoholic, his mother was a non-functional alcoholic. There is no way in hell I want to deal with anything like that again, it wore me down. *It's definitely a dealbreaker for me, and I don't care how many drinks before they get drunk, I wouldn't Police, I'd just not be interested.* I rarely drink but have nothing against alcohol itself, it's all about self-control and self-indulgence.


This is EXACTLY how I feel...I would never say "No drinking", I would simply watch him and decide he wasn't the right guy for me! If someone wants to drink, that's fine with me, of course they should be able to, but I don't want it in my life. It's too unpredictable for me!



TXTrini said:


> Yeah, I'm a horny drunk. I would find myself banging some stranger, no thanks!


OMG...you are SO FUNNY!!!! Lolol! I LOVE this!!!


----------



## RandomDude

My girlfriend and I don't drink, though we are planning a night to get drunk together just to see what happens.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I've been around and helped to clean up after my fair share of drunks. I'm not going to be in a relationship with one. It would have to be a very rare occurrence for me to accept it in a partner.
> 
> I have only very rarely indulged (maybe two dozen times in as many years). I don't think that the people that were around me could tell that I had been in terms of personality. I would lose the ability to vocalize and walk though.


I've been drunk once in my life, I was 31, and it was out of sheer boredom. Everyone at the table was talking about work and drinking beers seemed like a good idea at the time. Dunno how I didn't explode in a shower of piss, usually that ****e runs right through me. 



LisaDiane said:


> OMG...you are SO FUNNY!!!! Lolol! I LOVE this!!!


Girl... you don't know the half of it. Let's just say, in the right (wrong?🤔 ) mood, I don't need ANY encouragement for to unleash my hedonism - 10 yrs of a starvation diet will do that to you. My bf is now starting to recover, though we've been dating for 6 months and only b/c we're on a break while he has his son. Alcohol for me is like throwing gasoline on that bonfire, so best I stay clear if I want to keep my self-respect intact. I'm too emotional to play with others unrestricted. 



RandomDude said:


> My girlfriend and I don't drink, though we are planning a night to get drunk together just to see what happens.


I wish my bf would do that, I have a feeling he's a horny drunk too. I've been trying to get him to indulge, no go yet.


----------



## Numb26

So I met someone that I am interested in getting to know better. Am I ready? I don't know but we are going to find our because its been a long time since anyone has piqued my interest enough to want to spend time with. Wish me luck!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> So I met someone that I am interested in getting to know better. Am I ready? I don't know but we are going to find our because its been a long time since anyone has piqued my interest enough to want to spend time with. Wish me luck!


Was it the covid disclaimer you borrowed? Lol. Where did you meet? Good luck brother and have fun!!


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Was it the covid disclaimer you borrowed? Lol. Where did you meet? Good luck brother and have fun!!


Didn't need the disclaimer. LOL met at the range.....fingers crossed. Going for dinner tonight


----------



## OnTheFly

Numb26 said:


> Didn't need the disclaimer. LOL *met at the range*.....fingers crossed. Going for dinner tonight


So far, so good!


----------



## Numb26

There will definitely be a second date! It went well; though, to be honest, I felt like a teenager on his first date. Been 20 years since I have been on an official date


----------



## jlg07

Congrats Numb -- you deserve this after the sh*t storm you went through.


----------



## Numb26

jlg07 said:


> Congrats Numb -- you desercve this after the sh*t storm you went through.


Oh, the D may be final but that storm is still going on! Just in a different way now. 

But your are right, I really enjoyed myself and didn't make to big an ass out of myself. Haha


----------



## jlg07

Numb26 said:


> Oh, the D may be final but that storm is still going on! Just in a different way now.
> 
> But your are right, I really enjoyed myself and didn't make to big an ass out of myself. Haha


Sorry to hear you are still in the storm -- I thought you had pretty much moved on and your ex was pretty much out of the picture? I guess NOT from what you posted. Ugh.


----------



## Numb26

jlg07 said:


> Sorry to hear you are still in the storm -- I thought you had pretty much moved on and your ex was pretty much out of the picture? I guess NOT from what you posted. Ugh.


I've moved on but she is still trying to get back into my bed. I ignore her and her not so subtle innuendos. She will never really be out of the picture because of the kids and some other things but it is what it is.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Numb26 said:


> I've moved on but she is still trying to get back into my bed. I ignore her and her not so subtle innuendos. She will never really be out of the picture because of the kids and some other things but it is what it is.


Make sure you put a hard stop to that **** when you get involved with someone. No woman deserves to have to deal with an ex wife like this!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

3Xnocharm said:


> Make sure you put a hard stop to that **** when you get involved with someone. No woman deserves to have to deal with an ex wife like this!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, she isn't allow on the ranch. I only really see her on weekly basis when I bring kids for her visitations. And I don't answer 90% of her calls/texts. I can't really cut more then that


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb, my ex has been blocking my calls to the kids for a week. She blocked me on the home phone, disabled texting on their iPads and deleted my number from their iPads. They are only 8. I let my lawyer know as well as the kids law guardian. I pick them up today straight from work cause it’s my night and I have a suit on. She greats me at the door and tells me I look handsome? I didn’t acknowledge and just took the kids. There’s no answer for crazy brother...

Glad to hear the date went well!


----------



## Numb26

Thankfully she hasn't drifted into the "crazy" area, more just endless flirting.

Date went really well! Good convo, similar interests, she actually ate something besides a salad! LOL Only thing that is bugging me is the age difference


----------



## farsidejunky

Numb26 said:


> Thankfully she hasn't drifted into the "crazy" area, more just endless flirting.
> 
> Date went really well! Good convo, similar interests, she actually ate something besides a salad! LOL Only thing that is bugging me is the age difference


That's because your ex has not seen you with another woman yet.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

farsidejunky said:


> That's because your ex has not seen you with another woman yet.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


That is true!


----------



## notmyjamie

Numb26 said:


> That is true!


It blows my mind that someone can betray a person the way your wife did and think she has a snowball’s chance in hell of enticing you back into her very crowded bed. Blech.

Glad you met someone nice. What is the age difference?


----------



## Numb26

notmyjamie said:


> It blows my mind that someone can betray a person the way your wife did and think she has a snowball’s chance in hell of enticing you back into her very crowded bed. Blech.
> 
> Glad you met someone nice. What is the age difference?


12 years younger then me. I guess at our age it really doesn't make that much of a difference but still


----------



## notmyjamie

Numb26 said:


> 12 years younger then me. I guess at our age it really doesn't make that much of a difference but still


i think that more important than the chronological age difference is the difference in where you’re at in your lives. For example, you’re done having kids and she wants kids. If your life goals are the same then 12 years is not a big deal at your age now.


----------



## Numb26

notmyjamie said:


> i think that more important than the chronological age difference is the difference in where you’re at in your lives. For example, you’re done having kids and she wants kids. If your life goals are the same then 12 years is not a big deal at your age now.


That won't be an issue. We are both past wanting anymore kids. Haha


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> That won't be an issue. We are both past wanting anymore kids. Haha


Make it official and get snipped


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Make it official and get snipped


Been done since 2017 LOL


----------



## 2&out

Think I dodged one... I thought she had written me off and we were done. She contacted me and wanted to know why I hadn't contacted her and when we were getting together again. I said it didn't seem like we were getting on that well especially after the last time we got together. "why would I think that ?" Umm.. you left kind of pissed ?? She has texted me like 15 times since 7 this morning. Sent her a txt back saying I don't want to be mean but am not interested in continuing so please stop - best of luck to U. We'll see if she accepts it or if I have to block her.

As a side note... I'm a happy type drunk when I drink and go out of my way to avoid conflict. Alcohol can/is definitely be a touchy thing and if comes up early in getting to know someone, I'll pass.


----------



## RebuildingMe

2&out said:


> Think I dodged one... I thought she had written me off and we were done. She contacted me and wanted to know why I hadn't contacted her and when we were getting together again. I said it didn't seem like we were getting on that well especially after the last time we got together. "why would I think that ?" Umm.. you left kind of pissed ?? She has texted me like 15 times since 7 this morning. Sent her a txt back saying I don't want to be mean but am not interested in continuing so please stop - best of luck to U. We'll see if she accepts it or if I have to block her.
> 
> As a side note... I'm a happy type drunk when I drink and go out of my way to avoid conflict. Alcohol can/is definitely be a touchy thing and if comes up early in getting to know someone, I'll pass.


Good call. If she’s questioning your drinking early on, it’s a prelude to:
-when are you cutting the grass?
-you are going out with your friends again? Didn’t you just see them last month?
-how many fantasy leagues are you in?
-not tonight babe, I’m tired


----------



## notmyjamie

RebuildingMe said:


> Good call. If she’s questioning your drinking early on, it’s a prelude to:
> -when are you cutting the grass?
> -you are going out with your friends again? Didn’t you just see them last month?
> -how many fantasy leagues are you in?
> -not tonight babe, I’m tired


Depends on how much he drinks. She just might be trying to dodge her own bullet. Different people have different comfort levels with amounts of drinking. I wouldn't want to date a guy that gets drunk all the time. (not saying he does...just giving an example of a bullet I'd want to dodge.) And I never say not tonight babe. LOL


----------



## 2&out

I don't get drunk all the time - just most of it. LOL  Actually I don't really "get drunk" very often. I'll have a few here and there and maybe a few extra couple times a month - but never to the point I forget stuff or fall or any of that crap. I'm comfortable with my level. I'm 59 and past the point of being told how I should live or act - and way past trying/caring what anyone but my close family thinks.


----------



## LisaDiane

2&out said:


> I don't get drunk all the time - just most of it. LOL  Actually I don't really "get drunk" very often. I'll have a few here and there and maybe a few extra couple times a month - but never to the point I forget stuff or fall or any of that crap. I'm comfortable with my level. I'm 59 and past the point of being told how I should live or act - and way past trying/caring what anyone but my close family thinks.


And that's great that you are clear on that! What I hate is when people tell you they don't drink alot, but actually DO, so they can appear compatible, when they really aren't. 

The cold truth is that people who get buzzed or drunk become DIFFERENT people from when they are sober...maybe they are happy and fun, but that's not the point, they CHANGE. So if you are going to accept drinking, you have got to look at how they are when they drink and decide if you like THAT person too.

I knew someone who like her husband MORE when he had been drinking...Lol!!! So it CAN work for people, if you know what you are getting going into it.


----------



## Lila

So I have a dilemma. I haven't been on a _real_ date since late last year and prior to this month, hadn't socialized outside of my 4 bffs since February of this year. I need to be talked down from the ledge. I'm considering going back online (God help me).


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> So I have a dilemma. I haven't been on a _real_ date since late last year and prior to this month, hadn't socialized outside of my 4 bffs since February of this year. I need to be talked down from the ledge. I'm considering going back online (God help me).


Have you had bad online experiences before...?? I have to admit, listening to everyone, it sounds VERY intimidating!!!


----------



## minimalME

Lila, you are a wise woman, and I’m confident that whatever you choose to do, you’ll do well. 🤗



Lila said:


> So I have a dilemma. I haven't been on a _real_ date since late last year and prior to this month, hadn't socialized outside of my 4 bffs since February of this year. I need to be talked down from the ledge. I'm considering going back online (God help me).


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> Have you had bad online experiences before...?? I have to admit, listening to everyone, it sounds VERY intimidating!!!


It's not that I have had bad experiences online per se (although I have had a few doozies) but it's a lot of work to weed through profiles to find one that may be mutually interested. It's a very superficial process which leaves me feeling empty.

There's also the fact that OLD seems to be full of very busy people. Everyone is into back packing, skydiving, rock climbing, running (gosh everyone is running all of the time), traveling the world, etc... I'm a very simple person. As long as I'm with someone whose company I enjoy, and they are willing to spend some quality time with me, I could really give a **** what we do. I treat family and friends the same way.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> 'm considering going back online (God help me).


 _dances around on your shoulder screaming "do eeeet do eeeet"_



Lila said:


> There's also the fact that OLD seems to be full of very busy people. Everyone is into back packing, skydiving, rock climbing, running (gosh everyone is running all of the time), traveling the world, etc... I'm a very simple person. As long as I'm with someone whose company I enjoy, and they are willing to spend some quality time with me, I could really give a **** what we do. I treat family and friends the same way.


Girl, I'm a freaking hermit and I found a compatible man. No everyone likes to hotfoot it here there and everywhere.

The question is, Feeling horny today babee? "best Clint Eastwood impression"


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> It's not that I have had bad experiences online per se (although I have had a few doozies) but it's a lot of work to weed through profiles to find one that may be mutually interested. It's a very superficial process which leaves me feeling empty.
> 
> There's also the fact that OLD seems to be full of very busy people. Everyone is into back packing, skydiving, rock climbing, running (gosh everyone is running all of the time), traveling the world, etc... I'm a very simple person. As long as I'm with someone whose company I enjoy, and they are willing to spend some quality time with me, I could really give a **** what we do. I treat family and friends the same way.


This may not be popular, but I think it was you who once posted like 20 dealbreakers. If it wasn’t you, I apologize. I have a list also, but it is just 5. I would ‘relax’ your requirements a little and give online a chance to work. If you are looking for a needle in a haystack, most likely you will never find that needle. Good luck Lila!


----------



## notmyjamie

TXTrini said:


> _dances around on your shoulder screaming "do eeeet do eeeet"_
> 
> 
> Girl, I'm a freaking hermit and I found a compatible man. No everyone likes to hotfoot it here there and everywhere.
> 
> The question is, Feeling horny today babee? "best Clint Eastwood impression"



LOL...same here. I don't run, don't backpack, don't ski, etc, etc. I like my life and I was honest on my profile. I talked about enjoying quiet evenings most of the time. I realize how incredibly lucky I was to hit the jackpot right out of the gate. I found a guy that thinks like I do, has the exact same sense of humor, same temperament, same politics, and is awesome in bed and doesn't really do any of that high activity stuff either. 

Not that we never go out, we're going away this weekend in fact but we like to hang out, watch a movie, talk, cook dinner together. We both like to camp but haven't really done that together yet. But we've enjoyed researching RV's together as our dream is to see the country together. 

And he doesn't get falling down drunk so I'd say he's just about perfect for me!!!! 

So I believe there is someone out there for you Lila!!!!! Go get him!!!!


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> _dances around on your shoulder screaming "do eeeet do eeeet"_
> 
> 
> Girl, I'm a freaking hermit and I found a compatible man. No everyone likes to hotfoot it here there and everywhere.
> 
> The question is, Feeling horny today babee? "best Clint Eastwood impression"


LOL. I wish I could find someone to screen profiles for me and do the initial chats. Kind of like an HR department does when new jobs get posted. They screen for potential candidates. That would cut down the wasted time by 2/3. 

And I gotta hold back on the feeling horny today bit until I actually have one that I want to release the horny on 😅


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> LOL. I wish I could find someone to screen profiles for me and do the initial chats. Kind of like an HR department does when new jobs get posted. They screen for potential candidates. That would cut down the wasted time by 2/3.
> 
> And I gotta hold back on the feeling horny today bit until I actually have one that I want to release the horny on 😅


I’ll just say, the “screening” process can be fun it you have fun with it. Don’t be so serious and don’t treat it like a job interview. Relax a bit. Be funny, be sarcastic, be yourself. Remember my covid disclaimer? Have fun with it and don’t be a stick in the mud, lol.


----------



## TXTrini

notmyjamie said:


> LOL...same here. I don't run, don't backpack, don't ski, etc, etc. I like my life and I was honest on my profile. I talked about enjoying quiet evenings most of the time. I realize how incredibly lucky I was to hit the jackpot right out of the gate. I found a guy that thinks like I do, has the exact same sense of humor, same temperament, same politics, and is awesome in bed and doesn't really do any of that high activity stuff either.
> 
> Not that we never go out, we're going away this weekend in fact but we like to hang out, watch a movie, talk, cook dinner together. We both like to camp but haven't really done that together yet. But we've enjoyed researching RV's together as our dream is to see the country together.
> 
> And he doesn't get falling down drunk so I'd say he's just about perfect for me!!!!
> 
> So I believe there is someone out there for you Lila!!!!! Go get him!!!!


Honesty is key. I'm a homebody, I don't mind going out and doing things, but I have to psyche myself to be around people socially. This lockdown has kinda put the kibosh of doing a whole lot, the parks and museums are still closed. I'm not a huge fan of eating out, b/c of my food allergies, it's a real PITA to be on hyperalert if anyone orders shellfish around me. 



Lila said:


> And I gotta hold back on the feeling horny today bit until I actually have one that I want to release the horny on 😅


Girl, I know all about that feeling. That man's going to be roadkill ,.Definitely consider RebuildingMe's advice about the list. Sometimes people surprise you, and sometimes you surprise yourself when the things you think are important aren't what you think they are. I think Mr. Roadkill is patiently (maybe not so much if he's horny too ) awaiting you.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> This may not be popular, but I think it was you who once posted like 20 dealbreakers. If it wasn’t you, I apologize. I have a list also, but it is just 5. I would ‘relax’ your requirements a little and give online a chance to work. If you are looking for a needle in a haystack, most likely you will never find that needle. Good luck Lila!


I get what you're saying but it's not like my list was anything crazy. Beyond the obvious ones like kind,caring, not being emotionally or physically violent, etc... my "extreme" dealbreakers are 1) non-smokers, non-drug users or habitual pot smokers, non-heavy drinkers; 2) mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually healthy; 3) no convicted felons or those with recent DUIs (been there done that); 4) no kids under 12; and 5) monogamous.

Then there's the goldilocks traits where I'm NOT looking for extremes in either direction but there is A LOT of middle ground: religion, politics, personality, palate, physical fitness routines/care, sexual preferences, intelligence, work life.

Then there's things that turn me on. These are things that someone may not possess but which I find naturally attractive and will always gravitate towards - traditional/chivalrous, generous with his time, resources, and talents, and able to communicate boundaries and desires.

Finally there are turn-offs. These are the things that will automatically shut me down 1) 'Elliots", 2) passive aggressiveness,and 3) non-physically affectionate / cold men. 

I know that finding one person with everything I want is not going to happen but I also think there are is lot of room to work with beyond my dealbreakers, extremes on the goldilocks traits, or turn-offs.


----------



## notmyjamie

Forgive me ignorance but what are Elliots?


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ll just say, the “screening” process can be fun it you have fun with it. Don’t be so serious and don’t treat it like a job interview. Relax a bit. Be funny, be sarcastic, be yourself. Remember my covid disclaimer? Have fun with it and don’t be a stick in the mud, lol.


You may not believe it but I am open to meeting people IRL to see if there is chemistry. I have a very hard time judging people based on a handful of pics and some words on a page. I always want to meet people in real life if they seem safe and sane. Usually within a couple of days. I'm not on to sit and message all day long. 

None of my adventures with online dating have lasted more than a month at a time. I've done it three times. The first was with Match and I met (went on a date) with 16 guys in 4 weeks before I shut it down (I met 3 great guys - I ended up staying friends with 2 and the one I dated killed himself shortly after we started seeing each other). My second was on hinge and I met 5 guys in 3 weeks before shutting it down. I didn't like Hinge at all - there was not much meat to it so I kept going on dates where it was obvious from the get go it wasn't going to work out. The last was on Match again where I met 5 guys in 3 weeks before shutting it down (I met a great guy but he has very young children and a contentious relationship with his ex. I called it quits after date #3). All this to say that I'm not closed off to meeting people but it is a lot of work.


----------



## Lila

notmyjamie said:


> Forgive me ignorance but what are Elliots?



[aml]


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> I get what you're saying but it's not like my list was anything crazy. Beyond the obvious ones like kind,caring, not being emotionally or physically violent, etc... my "extreme" dealbreakers are 1) non-smokers, non-drug users or habitual pot smokers, non-heavy drinkers; 2) mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually healthy; 3) no convicted felons or those with recent DUIs (been there done that); 4) no kids under 12; and 5) monogamous.
> 
> Then there's the goldilocks traits where I'm NOT looking for extremes in either direction but there is A LOT of middle ground: religion, politics, personality, palate, physical fitness routines/care, sexual preferences, intelligence, work life.
> 
> Then there's things that turn me on. These are things that someone may not possess but which I find naturally attractive and will always gravitate towards - traditional/chivalrous, generous with his time, resources, and talents, and able to communicate boundaries and desires.
> 
> Finally there are turn-offs. These are the things that will automatically shut me down 1) 'Elliots", 2) passive aggressiveness,and 3) non-physically affectionate / cold men.
> 
> I know that finding one person with everything I want is not going to happen but I also think there are is lot of room to work with beyond my dealbreakers, extremes on the goldilocks traits, or turn-offs.


You are setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. I’d recommend not going back online yet. Your list is far too long. You’re trying to disguise it as ‘nice to have’s’, but your expectations are far to great.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> You are setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. I’d recommend not going back online yet. Your list is far too long. You’re trying to disguise it as ‘nice to have’s’, but your expectations are far to great.


Two questions: What are your 5 must haves?

And which 5 do you think I should keep?


----------



## Not

I think everyone has a basic nature, something that’s pretty much set and can easily be seen by just about everyone. It takes some time but that’s what I try to suss out. If the basic nature is good/kind/thoughtful then almost everything else becomes negotiable.

Tank does a couple of things that drive me a little batty but he’s such a good guy who treats me so well that those things just don’t matter when looking at the bigger picture. Two examples...One, I’m not a phone person, I don’t enjoy spending hours on the phone but he does, Mr. Motormouth lol! Drives me nuts at times but he’s so damn sweet I give in on that. Won’t do it for anyone else though. And two, I hate politics and was trying to avoid someone with strong political opinions. He’s not extreme but definitely more opinionated than I am though he doesn’t see himself as strongly opinionated. If I had known this about him before we met I probably wouldn’t have agreed to meet him and I would have missed out because there’s so much more to him than that.

Then there’s the Harley, sooo not me but it’s literally a passion for him. He’s been riding since the age of about seven. He can take these things and tear them apart into a hundred peices and put it all back together on his own. This is something else I wasn’t interested in at all but after seeing his passion for it I changed my mind. It’s something I do with him now because he genuinely loves it and I think that’s pretty damn cool.

There were so many men I didn’t give a chance and I may have missed out on some really good ones because I was telling myself I knew what I wanted and I did know what I wanted but I’ve discovered that the things I didn’t want were going to be just a small part of a very big, very complex package.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Two questions: What are your 5 must haves?
> 
> And which 5 do you think I should keep?


My 5 are:
-honesty
-independence (financially)
-kindness
-sexual chemistry/attraction 
-intelligence 

Sure it’s nice to see the same way on politics, religion, have older kids, eat the same foods, etc. However, I keep it simple to these 5.They are my only dealbreakers. Everything else, I can live with or learn to agree to disagree. I can’t possibly pick your 5 for you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> I think everyone has a basic nature, something that’s pretty much set and can easily be seen by just about everyone. It takes some time but that’s what I try to suss out. If the basic nature is good/kind/thoughtful then almost everything else becomes negotiable.
> 
> Tank does a couple of things that drive me a little batty but he’s such a good guy who treats me so well that those things just don’t matter when looking at the bigger picture. Two examples...One, I’m not a phone person, I don’t enjoy spending hours on the phone but he does, Mr. Motormouth lol! Drives me nuts at times but he’s so damn sweet I give in on that. Won’t do it for anyone else though. And two, I hate politics and was trying to avoid someone with strong political opinions. He’s not extreme but definitely more opinionated than I am though he doesn’t see himself as strongly opinionated. If I had known this about him before we met I probably wouldn’t have agreed to meet him and I would have missed out because there’s so much more to him than that.
> 
> Then there’s the Harley, sooo not me but it’s literally a passion for him. He’s been riding since the age of about seven. He can take these things and tear them apart into a hundred peices and put it all back together on his own. This is something else I wasn’t interested in at all but after seeing his passion for it I changed my mind. It’s something I do with him now because he genuinely loves it and I think that’s pretty damn cool.
> 
> There were so many men I didn’t give a chance and I may have missed out on some really good ones because I was telling myself I knew what I wanted and I did know what I wanted but I’ve discovered that the things I didn’t want were going to be just a small part of a very big, very complex package.


Not, you said it better than I could have. A picky person is a complete turn off for me. What you see is what you get. You want more? Keep looking and I hope you find it one day...


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> My 5 are:
> -honesty
> -independence (financially)
> -kindness
> -sexual chemistry/attraction
> -intelligence
> 
> Sure it’s nice to see the same way on politics, religion, have older kids, eat the same foods, etc. However, I keep it simple to these 5.They are my only dealbreakers. Everything else, I can live with or learn to agree to disagree. I can’t possibly pick your 5 for you.


I think you genuinely think you only have a few deal breakers but I think you have more. For example would you date someone who does heroin, crack, meth, etc.? Would you date someone who drinks a 6 pack everyday? Would you date someone with a felony criminal record - assault with a deadly weapon, embezzlement, theft, identity theft, child abuse, prostitution, ect? 

I think your deal breakers are broad where mine are specific. I have gone through the exercise to define what sexual compatibility/attraction means to me, more specifically what it DOES NOT mean. To me a mentally, physically, sexually, financially, and/or emotionally unhealthy person is a turn off. An unaffectionate person is a turn off. A frugal person (time, resources, talent) is a turn off. A person who has no boundaries, is passive aggressive, or can't communicate effectively is a huge turn off. People who take things to extremes whether it be politics, religion, -aholics, or even diets (try dating someone whose palate goes no further than pizza and chicken fingers) are turn offs, and yes there is a fine line between a passion and an obsession. 

Now all of these conditions are based on the assumption that 
I'm looking for someone for a long term relationship. I guess if I was looking for someone to casually date, then I'd probably not care as much about the Goldilocks stuff.
I can shutter opinions and keep things impersonal and superficial. 
If I'm just looking for a good lover to scratch an itch every once in a while then all he needs to be is safe, sane, and hot. I could care less if he has young kids, is a religious zealot, or eats chicken fingers for every meal because frankly, I'm not going to ask. It's all relative.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> I think you genuinely think you only have a few deal breakers but I think you have more. For example would you date someone who does heroin, crack, meth, etc.? Would you date someone who drinks a 6 pack everyday? Would you date someone with a felony criminal record - assault with a deadly weapon, embezzlement, theft, identity theft, child abuse, prostitution, ect?
> 
> I think your deal breakers are broad where mine are specific. I have gone through the exercise to define what sexual compatibility/attraction means to me, more specifically what it DOES NOT mean. To me a mentally, physically, sexually, financially, and/or emotionally unhealthy person is a turn off. An unaffectionate person is a turn off. A frugal person (time, resources, talent) is a turn off. A person who has no boundaries, is passive aggressive, or can't communicate effectively is a huge turn off. People who take things to extremes whether it be politics, religion, -aholics, or even diets (try dating someone whose palate goes no further than pizza and chicken fingers) are turn offs, and yes there is a fine line between a passion and an obsession.
> 
> Now all of these conditions are based on the assumption that
> I'm looking for someone for a long term relationship. I guess if I was looking for someone to casually date, then I'd probably not care as much about the Goldilocks stuff.
> I can shutter opinions and keep things impersonal and superficial.
> If I'm just looking for a good lover to scratch an itch every once in a while then all he needs to be is safe, sane, and hot. I could care less if he has young kids, is a religious zealot, or eats chicken fingers for every meal because frankly, I'm not going to ask. It's all relative.


I don’t think I really have more. Let me rephrase:
-don’t lie
-have a job cause I’m not supporting you
-don’t be an asshole to others
-I have to find you attractive and you must be into sex multiple times a week
-be able to hold a conversation 

I like chicken wings, beer and pizza. Let me eat what I want and I’ll let you eat what you want. All the rest comes in time or it doesn’t. I’m getting too old to play games or be picky. Be cool, fun and genuine or be gone. I either enjoy your company or I don’t. It’s really not all that complicated.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I think everyone has a basic nature, something that’s pretty much set and can easily be seen by just about everyone. It takes some time but that’s what I try to suss out. If the basic nature is good/kind/thoughtful then almost everything else becomes negotiable.
> 
> Tank does a couple of things that drive me a little batty but he’s such a good guy who treats me so well that those things just don’t matter when looking at the bigger picture. Two examples...One, I’m not a phone person, I don’t enjoy spending hours on the phone but he does, Mr. Motormouth lol! Drives me nuts at times but he’s so damn sweet I give in on that. Won’t do it for anyone else though. And two, I hate politics and was trying to avoid someone with strong political opinions. He’s not extreme but definitely more opinionated than I am though he doesn’t see himself as strongly opinionated. If I had known this about him before we met I probably wouldn’t have agreed to meet him and I would have missed out because there’s so much more to him than that.
> 
> Then there’s the Harley, sooo not me but it’s literally a passion for him. He’s been riding since the age of about seven. He can take these things and tear them apart into a hundred peices and put it all back together on his own. This is something else I wasn’t interested in at all but after seeing his passion for it I changed my mind. It’s something I do with him now because he genuinely loves it and I think that’s pretty damn cool.
> 
> There were so many men I didn’t give a chance and I may have missed out on some really good ones because I was telling myself I knew what I wanted and I did know what I wanted but I’ve discovered that the things I didn’t want were going to be just a small part of a very big, very complex package.


You two sound like a reverse of my bf and I. He hates to talk on the phone, I could talk for hours, but I don't "mind" texting. We do talk for hours and stay up late when we're together, even though he's an early bird. I have strong political opinions, he hates politics and is an atheist... I thought the atheist thing would be a hard no for me, but I wanted to meet him anyway. I love intelligent conversation and sexy banter, but a combination of the two?! Yowza!  

Hmm so yours is Tank, what should I nickname mine? I need to think about a nice, neutral descriptor, otherwise, I might get myself banned🤔


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t think I really have more. Let me rephrase:
> -don’t lie
> -have a job cause I’m not supporting you
> -don’t be an asshole to others
> -I have to find you attractive and you must be into sex multiple times a week
> -be able to hold a conversation
> 
> I like chicken wings, beer and pizza. Let me eat what I want and I’ll let you eat what you want. All the rest comes in time or it doesn’t. I’m getting too old to play games or be picky. Be cool, fun and genuine or be gone. I either enjoy your company or I don’t. It’s really not all that complicated.


Again it's all relative. You have said ion more than one occasion that you're not looking for anything serious or long term. 

If I was only interested in casually dating or just sex then I would only care about the minimum things that will help me reach my goals.


----------



## notmyjamie

Lila said:


> [aml]


 Oh my!!! Do men like this exist? Yikes!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Again it's all relative. You have said ion more than one occasion that you're not looking for anything serious or long term.
> 
> If I was only interested in casually dating or just sex then I would only care about the minimum things that will help me reach my goals.


Not necessarily. I am I open. I have met all types, from friends, FWB and a 7 week current relationship where we have agreed to be exclusive. My *minimum* expectations allow me the flexibility to meet a lot of different people and give us both a chance to see where it goes.


----------



## Lila

notmyjamie said:


> Oh my!!! Do men like this exist? Yikes!


Lol. It's an exaggeration that's supposed to represent excessive sensitivity.


----------



## Hiner112

notmyjamie said:


> Oh my!!! Do men like this exist? Yikes!


It is kind of a pendulum swing. I haven't seen someone like that personally (probably because where I live is kind of conservative) but I have heard some stories. A nephew or cousin of someone still local that has decided that since being masculine is by definition "toxic" their son should be raised to be the opposite. The video is basically how the people I know describe the results but I am just getting a judgemental second hand account. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

Lila said:


> Lol. It's an exaggeration that's supposed to represent excessive sensitivity.


I get that...but even heavily exaggerated...no thanks!!! Even if you halve that...no thanks!!


----------



## RandomDude

Hiner112 said:


> It is kind of a pendulum swing. I haven't seen someone like that personally (probably because where I live is kind of conservative) but I have heard some stories. *A nephew or cousin of someone still local that has decided that since being masculine is by definition "toxic" their son should be raised to be the opposite.* The video is basically how the people I know describe the results but I am just getting a judgemental second hand account.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


Oooooh, so that's how doormats are made.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> You two sound like a reverse of my bf and I. He hates to talk on the phone, I could talk for hours, but I don't "mind" texting. We do talk for hours and stay up late when we're together, even though he's an early bird. I have strong political opinions, he hates politics and is an atheist... I thought the atheist thing would be a hard no for me, but I wanted to meet him anyway. I love intelligent conversation and sexy banter, but a combination of the two?! Yowza!
> 
> Hmm so yours is Tank, what should I nickname mine? I need to think about a nice, neutral descriptor, otherwise, I might get myself banned🤔


Four hours on the phone yesterday lol! I'm like your BF, no politics or religion unless it's pretty tame. Tank believes but it's not a central part of his life so it works for me. I could not attend church and so on. I'm not an atheist but nor am I a believer. I need to be with someone who can live with that.

As far as my nickname for Tank goes, cute story. I chose that name because it's related to his job and something else I really like about him _ahem_ (neutral descriptor lol!) . After I chose that name I found out it's his nickname for his son. What are the chances lol?

Your man does need a name here. I want to see what kind of neutral descriptor you can come up with lol!!


----------



## Not

I was thinking more about this latest topic and wanted to add that even the physical attraction aspect is unpredictable. If I had run across Tank in a bar/club/restaurant before I knew him I would have kept moving, probably wouldn't have even taken a second glance based on general looks. But man, this average looking man, the way he moves and the self confidence that oozes from him changes everything. Dude is hot lol!

I actually had some trouble with this part in the beginning. He wasn't quite what I was looking for looks wise. But he had this certain something about him that created a fantastic physical chemistry between us, we were on fire from the get go. I was so confused by this lol! My last BF was very physically hot but he didn't have this magnetism that Tank's got and I'd now choose that over physical beauty. It's a much bigger turn on.


----------



## Numb26

Not said:


> I was thinking more about this latest topic and wanted to add that even the physical attraction aspect is unpredictable. If I had run across Tank in a bar/club/restaurant before I knew him I would have kept moving, probably wouldn't have even taken a second glance based on general looks. But man, this average looking man, the way he moves and the self confidence that oozes from him changes everything. Dude is hot lol!
> 
> I actually had some trouble with this part in the beginning. He wasn't quite what I was looking for looks wise. But he had this certain something about him that created a fantastic physical chemistry between us, we were on fire from the get go. I was so confused by this lol! My last BF was very physically hot but he didn't have this magnetism that Tank's got and I'd now choose that over physical beauty. It's a much bigger turn on.


Confidence is sexy.....isn't it?


----------



## Not

Numb26 said:


> Confidence is sexy.....isn't it?


It most certainly is a major turn on lol!


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Four hours on the phone yesterday lol! I'm like your BF, no politics or religion unless it's pretty tame. Tank believes but it's not a central part of his life so it works for me. I could not attend church and so on. I'm not an atheist but nor am I a believer. I need to be with someone who can live with that.
> 
> As far as my nickname for Tank goes, cute story. I chose that name because it's related to his job and something else I really like about him _ahem_ (neutral descriptor lol!) . After I chose that name I found out it's his nickname for his son. What are the chances lol?
> 
> Your man does need a name here. I want to see what kind of neutral descriptor you can come up with lol!!


I haven't been able to think of anything PG friendly 😂. 

Unfortunately, I don't have time to ponder it, I'm on deadlines and he had an unexpected upheaval yesterday. I haven’t gone to him yet, he asked for time to get his head on straight, although we've been in constant communication. Hopefully it doesn't cause him to pull away from me, it's too soon to know, but it would be so sad if that's the case.

**** got super real earlier this week when I cracked under pressure and took something he said wrong and I tried to end things. I've been extremely stretched and something had to give, it was not meant to manipulate him. We ended up being completely open about what we want from each other and laid bare and have been in constant contact everyday since. I was finally fully vindicated in knowing he was feeling the same and I wasn't crazy.

Then this... I don't know how to feel right now, I'm trying to be positive for him. He told me despite how broken he feels after facing his son yesterday with the news, he feels uplifted everytime he talks to me. I feel like this will break me if he withdraws now, but I can't put that on his shoulders now, he has enough to deal with.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> I haven't been able to think of anything PG friendly 😂.
> 
> Unfortunately, I don't have time to ponder it, I'm on deadlines and he had an unexpected upheaval yesterday. I haven’t gone to him yet, he asked for time to get his head on straight, although we've been in constant communication. Hopefully it doesn't cause him to pull away from me, it's too soon to know, but it would be so sad if that's the case.
> 
> **** got super real earlier this week when I cracked under pressure and took something he said wrong and I tried to end things. I've been extremely stretched and something had to give, it was not meant to manipulate him. We ended up being completely open about what we want from each other and laid bare and have been in constant contact everyday since. I was finally fully vindicated in knowing he was feeling the same and I wasn't crazy.
> 
> Then this... I don't know how to feel right now, I'm trying to be positive for him. He told me despite how broken he feels after facing his son yesterday with the news, he feels uplifted everytime he talks to me. I feel like this will break me if he withdraws now, but I can't put that on his shoulders now, he has enough to deal with.


It won't break you - look at what you've already been through! You are STRONG - it will be hard, like so many things are, but you can handle ANYTHING that happens!!


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> It won't break you - look at what you've already been through! You are STRONG - it will be hard, like so many things are, but you can handle ANYTHING that happens!!


Girl, this whole thing took me unawares. After seeing everyone's experience with dating, I thought it would take a long time to meet anyone I really liked. I thought I had all the time in the world to get my **** together.

I know I can handle anything I need to, but it's hard to see what you've always wanted and then face the possibility of it disappear because of things beyond both of our control. What we both want from each other is not ... typical, to put it respectably. It was never a possibility in my marriage and I had pushed it aside. .


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> I haven't been able to think of anything PG friendly 😂.
> 
> Unfortunately, I don't have time to ponder it, I'm on deadlines and he had an unexpected upheaval yesterday. I haven’t gone to him yet, he asked for time to get his head on straight, although we've been in constant communication. Hopefully it doesn't cause him to pull away from me, it's too soon to know, but it would be so sad if that's the case.
> 
> **** got super real earlier this week when I cracked under pressure and took something he said wrong and I tried to end things. I've been extremely stretched and something had to give, it was not meant to manipulate him. We ended up being completely open about what we want from each other and laid bare and have been in constant contact everyday since. I was finally fully vindicated in knowing he was feeling the same and I wasn't crazy.
> 
> Then this... I don't know how to feel right now, I'm trying to be positive  for him. He told me despite how broken he feels after facing his son yesterday with the news, he feels uplifted everytime he talks to me. I feel like this will break me if he withdraws now, but I can't put that on his shoulders now, he has enough to deal with.


Whatever your man is going through sounds serious but it also sounds like you two have some serious bonding going on that neither of you wants to lose, hold tight to that. Tank is going through something too. His mom passed today, she didn’t become ill until just this week, Tuesday, it all happened so fast. (Not Corona) His whole family has been kicked in the gut.

I had a huge smile on my face after reading your second paragraph btw lol! 

Why can’t things ever be easy....

I almost screwed everything up too. Long story short....4th of July party, I was quite inebriated, Tank drops the L bomb and I was in no condition to respond properly. Plus I panicked. To his credit he didn’t realize I was that toasty and thought he was talking to regular ol’ me. God did I fudge that up. Drunk me is very mellow but do not start a serious conversation with me! This man has the patience of a saint. But, like you and your man, that incident opened a door. 

Why can’t things ever be easy lol?


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Whatever your man is going through sounds serious but it also sounds like you two have some serious bonding going on that neither of you wants to lose, hold tight to that. Tank is going through something too. His mom passed today, she didn’t become ill until just this week, Tuesday, it all happened so fast. (Not Corona) His whole family has been kicked in the gut.
> 
> I had a huge smile on my face after reading your second paragraph btw lol!
> 
> Why can’t things ever be easy....
> 
> I almost screwed everything up too. Long story short....4th of July party, I was quite inebriated, Tank drops the L bomb and I was in no condition to respond properly. Plus I panicked. To his credit he didn’t realize I was that toasty and thought he was talking to regular ol’ me. God did I fudge that up. Drunk me is very mellow but do not start a serious conversation with me! This man has the patience of a saint. But, like you and your man, that incident opened a door.
> 
> Why can’t things ever be easy lol?


He's been talking to me, but I'm trying really hard not to put pressure on him, he's already feeling horrible. I'm so sorry about Tank's Mom, that must have been quite a shock! I'm glad you two aren't too new, so he has you behind him, he's going to need you, especially if they were close. 

Omg! Tank sounds like my twin  I explained the reason for my retreat, and yes, the L word came out, I told him how afraid I was to get too close to someone who didn't seem to be as invested. That's when he told me I was what he's been looking for and he didn't want to lose me.

That's been the gist of our conversations this week, until yesterday's bomb, I'm devastated for him, and I just want to help him, but at the same time, I know he needs space to think. I mentioned on another thread we're the same personality type, and have a lot in common, except he has much more self-control than I do when it comes to emotions. I've never been particularly patient, and I suppose it's about time to learn. I guess I will just submerge myself in my work while I wait for him. 

Thanks for sharing your experience, it gives me some hope, and I truly appreciate that right now.


----------



## Numb26

Update: Had a spontaneous "sort of" second date last night. She came over to go swimming because "it was to hot" to sleep. Hehe Been a long time since I went midnight swimming with a woman. Oh, she looks really good in a one piece! 

Man, I'm tired this morning!


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Girl, this whole thing took me unawares. After seeing everyone's experience with dating, I thought it would take a long time to meet anyone I really liked. I thought I had all the time in the world to get my **** together.
> 
> I know I can handle anything I need to, but it's hard to see what you've always wanted and then face the possibility of it disappear because of things beyond both of our control. What we both want from each other is not ... typical, to put it respectably. It was never a possibility in my marriage and I had pushed it aside. .


I know what you mean, feeling disappointed with relationships is SO painful and can be hard to get over...but nothing bad has happened yet, right...? You are only worried that it could be bad, at some point...?
THIS is where TRUST comes in, I think - trust in him, trust in yourself, trust in the process - and patience...both things are so hard for me!! Lol! But try not to cause yourself more distress and pain until bad things really happen - could this be something that would work out at some point and make you both stronger together...??

Whatever it is, I know you can handle it - I've read your posts on here long enough to know you have ALOT of strength!!!


----------



## Lila

@Not and @TXTrini you two seem to have good communications with your SOs. That's half the battle right there.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> I was thinking more about this latest topic and wanted to add that even the physical attraction aspect is unpredictable. If I had run across Tank in a bar/club/restaurant before I knew him I would have kept moving, probably wouldn't have even taken a second glance based on general looks. But man, this average looking man, the way he moves and the self confidence that oozes from him changes everything. Dude is hot lol!
> 
> I actually had some trouble with this part in the beginning. He wasn't quite what I was looking for looks wise. But he had this certain something about him that created a fantastic physical chemistry between us, we were on fire from the get go. I was so confused by this lol! My last BF was very physically hot but he didn't have this magnetism that Tank's got and I'd now choose that over physical beauty. It's a much bigger turn on.


This is why I have such a hard time with OLD. I need to interact with people in order to get a good feel for them. Mannerisms, voice tone and pace, energy, facial expressions, confidence. Those attributes can make or break it for me.


----------



## Lila

So random question about OLD profiles, would you include a bikini / one piece photo? I have recent pics showing me fishing at the lake but I'm in a bikini. I enjoy fishing but am wondering if it's a bad idea to include?


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> I know what you mean, feeling disappointed with relationships is SO painful and can be hard to get over...but nothing bad has happened yet, right...? You are only worried that it could be bad, at some point...?
> THIS is where TRUST comes in, I think - trust in him, trust in yourself, trust in the process - and patience...both things are so hard for me!! Lol! But try not to cause yourself more distress and pain until bad things really happen - could this be something that would work out at some point and make you both stronger together...??
> 
> Whatever it is, I know you can handle it - I've read your posts on here long enough to know you have ALOT of strength!!!


That's correct, nothing bad has happened to us yet, I guess I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, it is a very stressful time for him. He wants to see me tomorrow, I asked him to make sure his son is ok with that first, I wouldn't want to start off badly. That's another thing that worries me, I've never had/can't have children, but I need to figure out how to have another decent rapport. My bf has never said anything, but he's mentioned his son not feeling comfortable with his last gf.

Trust is hard for me, not just because of my cheating ex, but I'm a very suspicious person and a huge overthinker. The funny thing is, so is he, so we've been engaged in this struggle to not be too vulnerable to the other. Then crisis hit, and everything's on the table. He was so patient and considerate with me when I was trying to breakup, if I wasn't already, I'd have fallen in love with him right then. I'm trying to be sensitive now to his needs and not place more burdens on him. We weren't going to see each other this month, and it's been so hard not to run to him without checking first. It's amazing that he's become so important to me so quickly, I know 6 months is long for some people, but it's super fast for me to get that serious about someone.



Lila said:


> @Not and @TXTrini you two seem to have good communications with your SOs. That's half the battle right there.


That's a pretty new development. His words and actions were contradictory, and I got fed up of dealing with it. It's only this week, we put it all out there and been in constant communication. I hope it continues, communication is huge for me.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> So random question about OLD profiles, would you include a bikini / one piece photo? I have recent pics showing me fishing at the lake but I'm in a bikini. I enjoy fishing but am wondering if it's a bad idea to include?


Personally I never included revealing pics, except for a little cleavage on my profile. I had up-to-date full body shots in figure hugging outfits. I think it depends on how comfortable you are having your body on display and with the attention that comes with it. Some men I talked to commented that some women had revealing pics, but then didn't like being "objectified" if they complimented their figure and it was a huge turnoff.


----------



## TXTrini

Deleted. Double post.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> So random question about OLD profiles, would you include a bikini / one piece photo? I have recent pics showing me fishing at the lake but I'm in a bikini. I enjoy fishing but am wondering if it's a bad idea to include?


I agree with Texas on this one. It’s okay to include, but depending on how you look in it and how ‘revealing’ it is, expect more of a ‘weeding out’ process. There are creeps on OLD. You have already mentioned you dread the process, so for you, it may be best you don’t post that photo.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I was thinking more about this latest topic and wanted to add that even the physical attraction aspect is unpredictable. If I had run across Tank in a bar/club/restaurant before I knew him I would have kept moving, probably wouldn't have even taken a second glance based on general looks. But man, this average looking man, the way he moves and the self confidence that oozes from him changes everything. Dude is hot lol!
> 
> I actually had some trouble with this part in the beginning. He wasn't quite what I was looking for looks wise. But he had this certain something about him that created a fantastic physical chemistry between us, we were on fire from the get go. I was so confused by this lol! My last BF was very physically hot but he didn't have this magnetism that Tank's got and I'd now choose that over physical beauty. It's a much bigger turn on.


I'm attracted to quite a variety of men, either I'm attracted or not. It's more about mental connection, rapport, heat. How a man carries himself tells me a lot about him, physical looks is not enough to hold my attention. I ogled the hotties up and down when I was OLD but passed. Looks matter, but it's not all that matters. I can't respect a man I can control or trample, but I also want openness and vulnerability. It's a hard balance to find.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Question for you single ladies: assume you are sexually on the more inexperienced side. You’re middle aged and have not tried certain things for whatever reasons. You meet someone who has done those things. Let’s just say anal or bondage or public sex for argument sake. You tell your new partner that you’ve never done it even though you’ve been sexually active with multiple partners in your life. Two questions:

1) how open would you be to exploring if you were comfortable with the guy?

2) if you were open, would it be to just satisfy your partner or would you explore for your own curiosity?

Edited to say that the reason I ask is because I am living it current gf. While I appreciate her openness, I’d prefer she doesn’t change just for me. I don’t want that weight on my shoulders nor have I asked her to. Yes, before anyone asks, I do plan on talking to her about it because we can talk about anything. I was just looking for insight going into that conversation.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> I'm attracted to quite a variety of men, either I'm attracted or not. It's more about mental connection, rapport, heat. How a man carries himself tells me a lot about him, physical looks is not enough to hold my attention. I ogled the hotties up and down when I was OLD but passed. Looks matter, but it's not all that matters. I can't respect a man I can control or trample, but I also want openness and vulnerability. It's a hard balance to find.


For me its different, I am physically attracted to a certain type.of woman. Which lowers the chances of making a potential match based on mental, emotional, etc. compatibilty that much lower


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> For me its different, I am physically attracted to a certain type.of woman. Which lowers the chances of making a potential match based on mental, emotional, etc. compatibilty that much lower


I think it’s that way for most of us men. Let’s face it, pictures come first, profile second. If I’m physically attracted, most likely she will get a message. It will be then the weeding out process will begin. If she’s hot, I’d probably want to meet and weed out in person. Just being honest.


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> I think it’s that way for most of us men. Let’s face it, pictures come first, profile second. If I’m physically attracted, most likely she will get a message. It will be then the weeding out process will begin. If she’s hot, I’d probably want to meet and weed out in person. Just being honest.


I've never done OLD so I can't really comment on how it would work for me.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Question for you single ladies: assume you are sexually on the more inexperienced side. You’re middle aged and have not tried certain things for whatever reasons. You meet someone who has done those things. Let’s just say anal or bondage or public sex for argument sake. You tell your new partner that you’ve never done it even though you’ve been sexually active with multiple partners in your life. Two questions:
> 
> 1) how open would you be to exploring if you were comfortable with the guy?
> 
> 2) if you were open, would it be to just satisfy your partner or would you explore for your own curiosity?


I'll bite, I fit your criteria, except for the single part. Funnily enough, that's what I meant in my earlier post when I said what we wanted from each other was not typical.
1. Very open 
2. Both 

Personally, that's what I was looking for blended with a very intimate relationship. There needs to be a greater level of trust and real love on both sides for me to want to explore past a certain point.

If you are truly interested in those things, consider where you are right now and how serious you want to get. If you're just want some thrills, make sure and be clear about that, just in case she's secretly wanting something more deeply intimate than you are prepared to give.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> For me its different, I am physically attracted to a certain type.of woman. Which lowers the chances of making a potential match based on mental, emotional, etc. compatibilty that much lower





RebuildingMe said:


> I think it’s that way for most of us men. Let’s face it, pictures come first, profile second. If I’m physically attracted, most likely she will get a message. It will be then the weeding out process will begin. If she’s hot, I’d probably want to meet and weed out in person. Just being honest.


Oh, I have certain things I like physically, don't get me wrong, but what is like is pretty basic. I don't like bald men, skinny men or effeminate looking men, everything else is negotiable. I'm not going to even talk to a man I don't find attractive. That sounds bad, but when I talked to men bc they sent really nice intros, to let them down gently, they got nasty.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Oh, I have certain things I like physically, don't get me wrong, but what is like is pretty basic. I don't like bald men, skinny men or effeminate looking men, everything else is negotiable. I'm not going to even talk to a man I don't find attractive. That sounds bad, but when I talked to men bc they sent really nice intros, to let them down gently, they got nasty.


 Makes me glad I never did OLD! People can get nasty when rejected


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree with Texas on this one. It’s okay to include, but depending on how you look in it and how ‘revealing’ it is, expect more of a ‘weeding out’ process. There are creeps on OLD. You have already mentioned you dread the process, so for you, it may be best you don’t post that photo.



I taking your advice and skipping the lake pics. I'm wearing a huge straw hat in all of them. Face is hard to see. 

I hate using pics older than 6 months but I don't have many since February.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> Makes me glad I never did OLD! People can get nasty when rejected


I give as good as I get, that didn't intimidate me in the least . I don't owe anyone access to my body, so they could stick it as far as I was concerned. I replied in kind (if I even bothered), blocked, and moved on. 



Lila said:


> I taking your advice and skipping the lake pics. I'm wearing a huge straw hat in all of them. Face is hard to see.
> 
> I hate using pics older than 6 months but I don't have many since February.


You could always send it one on one when you are communicating with potential dates. I might have been provocative with my bf 😆, but I knew I wanted him before we went out. 

My full body pic was taken in front of a full length mirror in a store dressing room, it ain't fancy. I hate taking pics and am not a selfie person. You don't need many pics, I think I just had 4 or 5 max. You can send more one on one if you find someone mutually interested.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Edited to say that the reason I ask is because I am living it current gf. While I appreciate her openness, I’d prefer she doesn’t change just for me. I don’t want that weight on my shoulders nor have I asked her to. Yes, before anyone asks, I do plan on talking to her about it because we can talk about anything. I was just looking for insight going into that conversation.


Tell her straight out you don't want a D/s relationship (until you decide you want that responsibility anyway), but you would like to spice things up. It's not like things are set in stone or everything has to happen at once immediately. If it does, I want details


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> You could always send it one on one when you are communicating with potential dates. I might have been provocative with my bf 😆, but I knew I wanted him before we went out.
> 
> My full body pic was taken in front of a full length mirror in a store dressing room, it ain't fancy. I hate taking pics and am not a selfie person. You don't need many pics, I think I just had 4 or 5 max. You can send more one on one if you find someone mutually interested.


I might get my son to take some pics of me going about my normal day. Working on computer, washing dishes, mowing lawn, sleeping, lol. 

In all seriousness, after learning my lesson after my first stint on Match, I do not move the conversation off the site until after we've met face to face and agreed we're mutually attracted. No need to keep sending pics because I usually push to meet within a couple of days after initially matching.


----------



## Numb26

I am not asking this to be disrespectful in any way but.....For the people who are using OLD. is meeting people in everyday situations that rare where you are from?


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Question for you single ladies: assume you are sexually on the more inexperienced side. You’re middle aged and have not tried certain things for whatever reasons. You meet someone who has done those things. Let’s just say anal or bondage or public sex for argument sake. You tell your new partner that you’ve never done it even though you’ve been sexually active with multiple partners in your life. Two questions:
> 
> 1) how open would you be to exploring if you were comfortable with the guy?
> 
> 2) if you were open, would it be to just satisfy your partner or would you explore for your own curiosity?
> 
> Edited to say that the reason I ask is because I am living it current gf. While I appreciate her openness, I’d prefer she doesn’t change just for me. I don’t want that weight on my shoulders nor have I asked her to. Yes, before anyone asks, I do plan on talking to her about it because we can talk about anything. I was just looking for insight going into that conversation.


Personally, I'm not going to do anything sexually that I'm not interested in doing, regardless how much my partner wants to try it. At this age, I'd rather find a mutually sexually compatible partner than one where I have to placate or be placated. I'm willing to placate in other areas but not with sex.

I do think it's the responsibility of the more experienced partner to figure out their less experienced partner's boundaries and how comfortable they are with experimenting. A big part of that conversation is knowing they can change their mind at any point and it won't be held against them.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

RebuildingMe said:


> Question for you single ladies: assume you are sexually on the more inexperienced side. You’re middle aged and have not tried certain things for whatever reasons. You meet someone who has done those things. Let’s just say anal or bondage or public sex for argument sake. You tell your new partner that you’ve never done it even though you’ve been sexually active with multiple partners in your life. Two questions:
> 
> 1) how open would you be to exploring if you were comfortable with the guy?
> 
> 2) if you were open, would it be to just satisfy your partner or would you explore for your own curiosity?
> 
> Edited to say that the reason I ask is because I am living it current gf. While I appreciate her openness, I’d prefer she doesn’t change just for me. I don’t want that weight on my shoulders nor have I asked her to. Yes, before anyone asks, I do plan on talking to her about it because we can talk about anything. I was just looking for insight going into that conversation.


Honestly, if she's middle aged and had a few partners and not done these things, it's probably because she doesn't want to. Typically, it's young women who try things to find out if they like them. They hear all about it and try it to see if they like it, but then a lot of things actually aren't pleasurable for women, different women, different things, so they stop or slow down doing them or save them for a special occasion for the man. I mean, if the woman had been married to the same guy for decades or something and truly hadn't had much sexual experience outside of marriage, that might be different and she might be wanting to explore what she didn't before marriage.

Also, keep in mind a woman who doesn't want to be tied up might be willing to tie YOU up. A woman who doesn't want you to do anal on her might be okay doing it on you, or might be okay with just a finger.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I am not asking this to be disrespectful in any way but.....For the people who are using OLD. is meeting people in everyday situations that rare where you are from?


I think in general, it gets harder to meet people the older we get. Meeting the traditional way is harder than online dating but not impossible under normal circumstances. Covid has made it almost impossible. 

Where I live, bars and entertainment venues are shut down. We have a limit on the number of people that can gather which means outdoor music festivals and summer gatherings have been cancelled. Most places require people to wear masks and/or social distance. Kind of hard to meet people that way.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I might get my son to take some pics of me going about my normal day. Working on computer, washing dishes, mowing lawn, sleeping, lol.
> 
> In all seriousness, after learning my lesson after my first stint on Match, I do not move the conversation off the site until after we've met face to face and agreed we're mutually attracted. No need to keep sending pics because I usually push to meet within a couple of days after initially matching.


You don't want to be too mundane, just remember you're looking for a bf, not a buddy. Bring on the sex appeal, without being a bimbo. You want your milkshake to bring da boyz to your yard girl! . I personally wouldn't ask my kid (if I had one) to take sexy pics of me., that's just a bit TOO pervy for me, and that's saying a lot . Mind you, I'm not talking about trotting out the goodies, sexy is a state of mind.

I'm a homebody, a man had best be worth my time and effort to doll up and head out, so I preferred to make sure of that. I spoke to 2-3 men at a time. Depending on how the conversation went, I had a pretty good idea if I would be attracted or not, then met up. Not too long though, maybe 1-2 weeks, depending on the man. 

My bf was very shy and felt uncomfortable meeting up under a few weeks, but he stepped it up when I told him someone else asked me out and I was going, even though I would have preferred if it were him.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> I am not asking this to be disrespectful in any way but.....For the people who are using OLD. is meeting people in everyday situations that rare where you are from?


Most in-person interaction is fleeting unless one/both of you is super confident or in the mood to be flirty with someone on the spot if you see someone you find interesting. Honestly, I don't find a man attractive enough to hold my interest without good conversation, then my interest:  >  over time. I don't like mouthy, overflattering men, it makes me instantly retreat for the hills, so I don't do well with one on one flirting. I prefer to know a little bit about a man before assessing him for a potential relationship. Most men do NOT handle rejection well, I've had some horrible in-person experiences I do not ever care to repeat.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> You don't want to be too mundane, just remember you're looking for a bf, not a buddy. Bring on the sex appeal, without being a bimbo. You want your milkshake to bring da boyz to your yard girl! . I personally wouldn't ask my kid (if I had one) to take sexy pics of me., that's just a bit TOO pervy for me, and that's saying a lot . Mind you, I'm not talking about trotting out the goodies, sexy is a state of mind.
> 
> I'm a homebody, a man had best be worth my time and effort to doll up and head out, so I preferred to make sure of that. I spoke to 2-3 men at a time. Depending on how the conversation went, I had a pretty good idea if I would be attracted or not, then met up. Not too long though, maybe 1-2 weeks, depending on the man.
> 
> My bf was very shy and felt uncomfortable meeting up under a few weeks, but he stepped it up when I told him someone else asked me out and I was going, even though I would have preferred if it were him.


1-2 weeks?!?!? 


Do you shut down your account during that time?


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I do think it's the responsibility of the more experienced partner to figure out their less experienced partner's boundaries and how comfortable they are with experimenting. A big part of that conversation is knowing they can change their mind at any point and it won't be held against them.


I don't agree with this. Once you're an adult, it is your own responsibility to figure out your own/likes dislikes and discuss it with your partner. Open communication is key, plus it's only smart to update your mindset with additional information, changing your mind should never be held against a person. 



DownByTheRiver said:


> Honestly, if she's middle aged and had a few partners and not done these things, it's probably because she doesn't want to. Typically, it's young women who try things to find out if they like them. They hear all about it and try it to see if they like it, but then a lot of things actually aren't pleasurable for women, different women, different things, so they stop or slow down doing them or save them for a special occasion for the man. I mean, if the woman had been married to the same guy for decades or something and truly hadn't had much sexual experience outside of marriage, that might be different and she might be wanting to explore what she didn't before marriage.
> 
> Also, keep in mind a woman who doesn't want to be tied up might be willing to tie YOU up. A woman who doesn't want you to do anal on her might be okay doing it on you, or might be okay with just a finger.


You're making some serious assumptions here:
1. All women sleep around when they're younger, or are more adventurous then
2. They had the opportunity to do these things - it takes 2 (or more if that's your thing) to "do these things"
3. Her tastes never developed 

I'm glad you qualified your statements later, some of us married early, and ended up with men who didn't grow with us or want to explore anything. My ex was super vanilla, never wanted to talk about anything, got silent when he didn't want to discuss a topic, but yet got the balls to step out to "find himself" or whatever.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> 1-2 weeks?!?!?
> 
> Do you shut down your account during that time?


I told you, I don't like to be rushed . I only paused my account when the bf and I decided to date exclusively (after our first date), and even then, I didn't shut it down until we slept together a few weeks later. I think I was talking to just one other guy at the time, the one I was supposed to go out with. He canceled our date (we weren't very flirty at all, I was too into my bf), and I asked the bf out. That one faded out and I let it, and I didn't start any new conversations when my bf and I decided to go out, so there was nothing to pause.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

TXTrini said:


> You're making some serious assumptions here:
> 1. All women sleep around when they're younger, or are more adventurous then
> 2. They had the opportunity to do these things - it takes 2 (or more if that's your thing) to "do these things"
> 3. Her tastes never developed
> 
> I'm glad you qualified your statements later, some of us married early, and ended up with men who didn't grow with us or want to explore anything. My ex was super vanilla, never wanted to talk about anything, got silent when he didn't want to discuss a topic, but yet got the balls to step out to "find himself" or whatever.


1) I went by what the original poster said about the woman had had a few partners in his hypothetical. 

2) I certainly never said all young women sleep around. I also qualified that entire thought by saying "typically." 
3) Never said a word about her tastes never developing either.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> I think in general, it gets harder to meet people the older we get. Meeting the traditional way is harder than online dating but not impossible under normal circumstances. Covid has made it almost impossible.
> 
> Where I live, bars and entertainment venues are shut down. We have a limit on the number of people that can gather which means outdoor music festivals and summer gatherings have been cancelled. Most places require people to wear masks and/or social distance. Kind of hard to meet people that way.


Guess it would be hard to get to know somebody the way things are now


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Most in-person interaction is fleeting unless one/both of you is super confident or in the mood to be flirty with someone on the spot if you see someone you find interesting. Honestly, I don't find a man attractive enough to hold my interest without good conversation, then my interest:  >  over time. I don't like mouthy, overflattering men, it makes me instantly retreat for the hills, so I don't do well with one on one flirting. I prefer to know a little bit about a man before assessing him for a potential relationship. Most men do NOT handle rejection well, I've had some horrible in-person experiences I do not ever care to repeat.


Maybe its just me but I can usually have a conversation with someone long enough to know if I am interested in getting to know the person better. And it is mostly reciprocated. Than again, I am a talker so if you cant have a conversation with me then that's on you. Haha


----------



## RebuildingMe

So, without quoting anyone, my new gf has been with quite a few partners, mostly before her 18 year marriage and and a few after. She has way more partners than I have, because, well I’ve pretty much been married my entire adult like to two ex’s. That being said, she made it clear what’s she done and hasn’t done. I’ve done a lot more. She wants to explore and we have been. So my question was, is she exploring at 48 because she’s trying to please me, or is it possible she really wants to explore? I hope it the latter, because I don’t want a woman changing for me. I don’t want that burden. So I was asking if other women would be adventurous later in life or not. Make sense?


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I don't agree with this. Once you're an adult, it is your own responsibility to figure out your own/likes dislikes and discuss it with your partner. Open communication is key, plus it's only smart to update your mindset with additional information, changing your mind should never be held against a person.


The problem is that the lesser experienced person will usually not bring up experimenting because well, they are not experienced and have no idea whether they might like it or not unless it's brought up by a more experienced partner. It's a circular argument. 

In @RebuildingMe example, he'd be waiting forever waiting on his gf to bring up new things to try. It's best if he just takes the reigns and says "I am interested in XYZ. How do you feel about that?". That's what I mean by taking responsibility


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Just ask her. Because it is true that sometimes women are just trying to please you or hesitant to deny you. So sometime while not in bed, just ask her. Don't do it when there's sex impending. Or you can just flat out tell her, Look, I won't be a big baby if you don't want to do some of this stuff, so just say so....

It's nice to be considerate like you're being. But like others have noted, in the bedroom, not being hesitant and being confident goes a long way, so discuss this out of the bedroom and not right before sex.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> I'll bite, I fit your criteria, except for the single part. Funnily enough, that's what I meant in my earlier post when I said what we wanted from each other was not typical.
> 1. Very open
> 2. Both
> 
> Personally, that's what I was looking for blended with a very intimate relationship. There needs to be a greater level of trust and real love on both sides for me to want to explore past a certain point.
> 
> If you are truly interested in those things, consider where you are right now and how serious you want to get. If you're just want some thrills, make sure and be clear about that, just in case she's secretly wanting something more deeply intimate than you are prepared to give.


How did I know you’d “bite”? Lol. I have no problems getting as serious as I can while still being married. She knows exactly what she’s in for, I’ve made that crystal clear. For some reason, she’s really into me nonetheless.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> The problem is that the lesser experienced person will usually not bring up experimenting because well, they are not experienced and have no idea whether they might like it or not unless it's brought up by a more experienced partner. It's a circular argument.
> 
> In @RebuildingMe example, he'd be waiting forever waiting on his gf to bring up new things to try. It's best if he just takes the reigns and says "I am interested in XYZ. How do you feel about that?". That's what I mean by taking responsibility


She flat out asked what I like. I told her. She said she didn’t ever do those things but she’s open. Now she slowly doing those things. I’m hoping it’s because she wants to and not just to please me. I never asked her to do anything, nor did I expect it.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> So, without quoting anyone, my new gf has been with quite a few partners, mostly before her 18 year marriage and and a few after. She has way more partners than I have, because, well I’ve pretty much been married my entire adult like to two ex’s. That being said, she made it clear what’s she done and hasn’t done. I’ve done a lot more. She wants to explore and we have been. So my question was, is she exploring at 48 because she’s trying to please me, or is it possible she really wants to explore? I hope it the latter, because I don’t want a woman changing for me. I don’t want that burden. So I was asking if other women would be adventurous later in life or not. Make sense?



Without knowing her personality, I don't think there's anyone who can give you a straight answer. Is she a people pleaser? Submissive personality? Direct? No nonsense? It makes a difference.


----------



## RebuildingMe

BTW, I over analyze just about everything in my life. My brain never shuts off. I can’t sleep at night without ambien for this very reason. It’s quite possible I just found a really cool woman...but I don’t accept that without investigation. It’s just how I’m wired.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> She flat out asked what I like. I told her. She said she didn’t ever do those things but she’s open. Now she slowly doing those things. I’m hoping it’s because she wants to and not just to please me. I never asked her to do anything, nor did I expect it.


Then I recommend you count your blessings and don't look a gift horse in the mouth. 😉.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> BTW, I over analyze just about everything in my life. My brain never shuts off. I can’t sleep at night without ambien for this very reason. It’s quite possible I just found a really cool woman...but I don’t accept that without investigation. It’s just how I’m wired.


Lol see my last reply to you. Posted before reading this.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> 1-2 weeks?!?!?
> 
> 
> Do you shut down your account during that time?


Yes, please, 1-2 weeks of talking/texting and be ready to meet if there is mutual interest. Don’t shut anything down until you find the one that you want to be with exclusively. It should be a mutual conversation. Be prepared to be juggling multiple people and multiple conversations at any one time. It’s effort, yes, but it could also be fun.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, please, 1-2 weeks of talking/texting and be ready to meet if there is mutual interest. Don’t shut anything down until you find the one that you want to be with exclusively. It should be a mutual conversation. Be prepared to be juggling multiple people and multiple conversations at any one time. It’s effort, yes, but it could also be fun.


I meant 1-2 weeks is way too long for me to chat/message before meeting. I'm in the 2-3 days time frame. 

I learned early on that I didn't want to invest weeks getting to know someone only to meet and realize there was no mutual chemistry.

I am also a crappy pen pal. Texting is not my forte. I'm okay with not textimg for a few days and just waiting until we see each other to catch up.


----------



## TXTrini

DownByTheRiver said:


> 1) I went by what the original poster said about the woman had had a few partners in his hypothetical.
> 
> 2) I certainly never said all young women sleep around. I also qualified that entire thought by saying "typically."
> 3) Never said a word about her tastes never developing either.


I qualified my statements in the following paragraph.



Numb26 said:


> Maybe its just me but I can usually have a conversation with someone long enough to know if I am interested in getting to know the person better. And it is mostly reciprocated. Than again, I am a talker so if you cant have a conversation with me then that's on you. Haha


I'm a thinker and a feeler, I like to mull things over before accepting an invitation for further interaction and I have to feel something to want to make an effort. A slow burn to get started, while I can assess my reaction to a man before chemistry wallops me, prevents me from doing naughty naughty things I'll regret later.



Lila said:


> The problem is that the lesser experienced person will usually not bring up experimenting because well, they are not experienced and have no idea whether they might like it or not unless it's brought up by a more experienced partner. It's a circular argument.
> 
> In @RebuildingMe example, he'd be waiting forever waiting on his gf to bring up new things to try. It's best if he just takes the reigns and says "I am interested in XYZ. How do you feel about that?". That's what I mean by taking responsibility


This is an individual thing, I'll agree to disagree on nuance.



DownByTheRiver said:


> Just ask her. Because it is true that sometimes women are just trying to please you or hesitant to deny you. So sometime while not in bed, just ask her. Don't do it when there's sex impending. Or you can just flat out tell her, Look, I won't be a big baby if you don't want to do some of this stuff, so just say so....
> 
> It's nice to be considerate like you're being. But like others have noted, in the bedroom, not being hesitant and being confident goes a long way, so discuss this out of the bedroom and not right before sex.


Best piece of advice! Nothing kills a lady boner faster than a hesitant man. Definitely have the sex talk prior to bedroom Olympics. Hell, that alone is like one long flirty foreplay session.



RebuildingMe said:


> How did I know you’d “bite”? Lol. I have no problems getting as serious as I can while still being married. She knows exactly what she’s in for, I’ve made that crystal clear. For some reason, she’s really into me nonetheless.


I wasn't talking about commitment, I was referring to a more intimate bdsm relationship vs. getting your jollies off spicing it up a little. Though come to think of it, that IS a commitment of sorts , I'm not sure how to explain it with better clarity.



RebuildingMe said:


> BTW, I over analyze just about everything in my life. My brain never shuts off. I can’t sleep at night without ambien for this very reason. It’s quite possible I just found a really cool woman...but I don’t accept that without investigation. It’s just how I’m wired.


I do it to, that's why I was overwhelmed and nearly called it quits. Don't be me, not everyone gets a second chance. 



Lila said:


> I meant 1-2 weeks is way too long for me to chat/message before meeting. I'm in the 2-3 days time frame.
> 
> I learned early on that I didn't want to invest weeks getting to know someone only to meet and realize there was no mutual chemistry.
> 
> I am also a crappy pen pal. Texting is not my forte. I'm okay with not textimg for a few days and just waiting until we see each other to catch up.


I'm a chatterbox with the right person. It's a good way to weed out people who will find me too needy before anyone gets hurt. They'll simply fade, or I won't be interested. Also, I didn't care to rack up the numbers, and being horny is a *****. I found myself thinking "Well I'm here, he's here and amenable, let's do this!". That **** just clouds my judgment, especially if the dude is rocking my world. 

Be true to yourself! You'll meet someone that clicks and values you.


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> This is why I have such a hard time with OLD. I need to interact with people in order to get a good feel for them. Mannerisms, voice tone and pace, energy, facial expressions, confidence. Those attributes can make or break it for me.


Yeah, I think it’s the same for all of us. I prefer the 3D version hands down and push for meeting sooner than later also. A great personality over the phone is wonderful but the whole package has to mesh.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Question for you single ladies: assume you are sexually on the more inexperienced side. You’re middle aged and have not tried certain things for whatever reasons. You meet someone who has done those things. Let’s just say anal or bondage or public sex for argument sake. You tell your new partner that you’ve never done it even though you’ve been sexually active with multiple partners in your life. Two questions:
> 
> 1) how open would you be to exploring if you were comfortable with the guy?
> 
> 2) if you were open, would it be to just satisfy your partner or would you explore for your own curiosity?
> 
> Edited to say that the reason I ask is because I am living it current gf. While I appreciate her openness, I’d prefer she doesn’t change just for me. I don’t want that weight on my shoulders nor have I asked her to. Yes, before anyone asks, I do plan on talking to her about it because we can talk about anything. I was just looking for insight going into that conversation.


Oh this post was tailor made for me lol! I have the exact same background as your GF. She’s a big girl and will do or not do what she wants.

I personally had limited experience as an adult (long story) but always knew I was way more into sex than my situation would allow. The drive was there but the know how, for lack of better terminology, and opportunity wasn’t. I am currently unleashing the lion with my SO and he’s more then ecstatic to have a willing student. He’s got a ton more experience than I do and I look at it like I’m the one reaping all the benefits from his past.

I think you two should have a good talk. If she’s willing to experiment that’s a good sign. I’m willing to try anything at least once with a few exceptions. Find out what her exceptions are and work from there.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Personally, I'm not going to do anything sexually that I'm not interested in doing, regardless how much my partner wants to try it. At this age, I'd rather find a mutually sexually compatible partner than one where I have to placate or be placated. I'm willing to placate in other areas but not with sex.
> 
> I do think it's the responsibility of the more experienced partner to figure out their less experienced partner's boundaries and how comfortable they are with experimenting. A big part of that conversation is knowing they can change their mind at any point and it won't be held against them.


I have to be honest, this sounds a lot like a prelude to HD/LD and gatekeeping sex from the more experienced person. I would agree that if you are LD or vanilla, you should meet someone that matches that. If not....well, there’s a thousand threads on TAM that will show everyone how that plays out. Lol


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> Oh this post was tailor made for me lol! I have the exact same background as your GF. She’s a big girl and will do or not do what she wants.
> 
> I personally had limited experience as an adult (long story) but always knew I was way more into sex than my situation would allow. The drive was there but the know how, for lack of better terminology, and opportunity wasn’t. I am currently unleashing the lion with my SO and he’s more then ecstatic to have a willing student. He’s got a ton more experience than I do and I look at it like I’m the one reaping all the benefits from his past.
> 
> I think you two should have a good talk. If she’s willing to experiment that’s a good sign. I’m willing to try anything at least once with a few exceptions. Find out what her exceptions are and work from there.


Thank you for that, Not. It sounds like a similar situation as mine and you are handling it much like my gf is. Thank you for admitting that you are trying and actually enjoy going outside your comfort zone. Maybe not comfort zone, but you are trying new thinks that you hadn’t previously for whatever reasons. Too many relationships are killed by vanilla people staying vanilla without even trying. Having said that, I am a firm believer in trying, and if you don’t like something, you can take a pass. It’s the way I feel about seafood. I hate it, won’t ever eat it, but I have certainly tried it multiple times.


----------



## Hiner112

The current discussion about establishing boundaries and suggesting activities is both exciting and has a little anxiety. The last time I was starting a relationship we were both virgins so there weren't any preconceived opinions or limits. 

The first time I suggested something she called a friend to ask if I was asking to do something weird to her (oral sex). That is, was I some kind of pervert she should avoid and was it something she might enjoy. When she had her first ever orgasm that time, it was basically a perpetual green light for anything I suggested for about a decade. 

The next relationship is not going to be with a naive virgin. There's going to be previous experience and opinions. I'm going to have to discuss things like that in ways I haven't ever had to do before. That could be exciting foreplay or (especially since I haven't really had to have those discussions before) it could come across as "girl boner" killing tentativeness.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you for that, Not. It sounds like a similar situation as mine and you are handling it much like my gf is. Thank you for admitting that you are trying and actually enjoy going outside your comfort zone. Maybe not comfort zone, but you are trying new thinks that you hadn’t previously for whatever reasons. Too many relationships are killed by vanilla people staying vanilla without even trying. Having said that, I am a firm believer in trying, and if you don’t like something, you can take a pass. It’s the way I feel about seafood. I hate it, won’t ever eat it, but I have certainly tried it multiple times.


I think, now, the experimenting will be something that sort of happens on its own. Like a natural excitement when two compatible people meet and they can’t wait to take these adventures together. My ex husband and I weren’t compatible at all so the adventures never would have happened, ever. It was all vanilla. But there was no natural passion either, we never connected that way so it wasn’t possible to have that excitement between us. No ones fault, it just was what it was.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I have to be honest, this sounds a lot like a prelude to HD/LD and gatekeeping sex from the more experienced person. I would agree that if you are LD or vanilla, you should meet someone that matches that. If not....well, there’s a thousand threads on TAM that will show everyone how that plays out. Lol



Maybe I didn't make myself clear on the more experienced person being responsible. What I meant by that is that if you wait until the inexperienced partner brings up non-vanilla ideas then you're (general you) probably going to be waiting a long time. 

The best way to find out if you're (general you) sexually compatible is for the more experienced person to bring up the non-vanilla things they find enjoyable and would like to try with the non-experienced person. If the non-experienced person shows no interest to experiment then the more experienced person has a decision to make.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Maybe I didn't make myself clear on the more experienced person being responsible. What I meant by that is that if you wait until the inexperienced partner brings up non-vanilla ideas then you're (general you) probably going to be waiting a long time.
> 
> The best way to find out if you're (general you) sexually compatible is for the more experienced person to bring up the non-vanilla things they find enjoyable and would like to try with the non-experienced person. If the non-experienced person shows no interest to experiment then the more experienced person has a decision to make.


I understand what you are saying. I didn’t have to bring it up because she asked what I liked and I told her. There were a couple of things she hadn’t tried in her life and told me that. It (the discussions) didn’t go any further. Now she is just doing them. I’m just curious as to why? Please me? Her curiosity? I can ask, but I think I’m going to just go with it. I’m trying not to over analyze this situation (which is hard for me).

By the way, it’s a two way street. I have gone hiking with her twice and we spent a day at an arboretum, two things I’ve never done.

Edited to say, I didn’t even know what an arboretum was. Also, this is all new to me because I guess the give and take and new experiences (sexual and non sexual) is how a relationship is supposed to work. I’ve only known dysfunction in the past.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

RebuildingMe said:


> So, without quoting anyone, my new gf has been with quite a few partners, mostly before her 18 year marriage and and a few after. She has way more partners than I have, because, well I’ve pretty much been married my entire adult like to two ex’s. That being said, she made it clear what’s she done and hasn’t done. I’ve done a lot more. She wants to explore and we have been. So my question was, is she exploring at 48 because she’s trying to please me, or is it possible she really wants to explore? I hope it the latter, because I don’t want a woman changing for me. I don’t want that burden. So I was asking if other women would be adventurous later in life or not. Make sense?


I think you should be asking her for specifics, not us for generalities.

Either she'll be honest and introspective about being open to trying new things, or she'll be manipulative and only doing it to keep you on the hook. Hopefully you have some inkling of which kind of reaction you get by previous experience with her. Has she been open to doing new activities or trying new foods with you? Does she have a sense of adventure in other ways?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

I think during that conversation you need to focus on whether she wants to try certain things and leave her number of partners completely out of it so that that doesn't become an issue.

Unless the reason you want to try these things is because you have less experience and therefore never got a chance to, in which case you could tell her I never got a chance to try these, how do you feel about it. If you have no experience doing it and she is hesitant to try, she might be less so if she knew that wasn't your focus or thing but just something you never tried. I do hope we're talking about someone that you've already been dating awhile and not just someone you're talking to on the internet thinking about asking out because this is way too much information to be talkin about to anyone you haven't already been sleeping with.


----------



## Numb26

My summer of "ME" continues......finally bought myself the Harley I have always wanted. Single life is so much better then I thought it would be


----------



## Livvie

Numb26 said:


> My summer of "ME" continues......finally bought myself the Harley I have always wanted. Single life is so much better then I thought it would be


Why couldn't you buy one while married?


----------



## Numb26

Livvie said:


> Why couldn't you buy one while married?


Because, as silly as it sounds, I always felt guilty if I did or spent anything for myself. I know, I can't blame that on the XW, that it was my own insecurity. I am learning to treat myself better these days.


----------



## Not

The last week has been utter poo. A death in my family of a very young one from OD as well as a cancer diagnosis with a three month life expectancy. Life just keeps hammering away at so many people this year. My D25 will now be staying with great grandma on a daily basis to help with her care. D25 moved back home from the west coast end of December and was taking her time looking for the right job, which I told her to do. Then Covid hit and no jobs. So I guess life has decided what direction her life will take for the time being. 

Great Grandma is exH's grandmother. I've known this woman for almost 30 years. His family would never exclude me and I'm so glad because she's been a big part of my life and I want to be there and say goodbye when the time comes. My son is very close to her. She would spend hours at night rocking him when he had colick and she became so attached, he's been "hers" ever since. My son is coming home now (military) so that he can see her while she's still here and before the cancer begins to turn her into something he won't want to see. He's not going to want to go back, this is going to be so hard on him.

Today is the funeral for Tanks mom. Several days ago he asked me to go with him. This man touches me in ways no man ever has, he is so sweet. Typically I would be uncomfortable attending because we've only been dating for four months but his family has been very warm toward me and one sister in particular has been very welcoming. 

I had bought some sky lanterns for the fourth of July that never got used and gave them to Tank with the suggestion that maybe he could release them with his kids in her honor one night. He's going to release them with his family and kids tonight. Part of me feels like an intruder and that I shouldn't be there but another part of me feels like I should go with the flow and let him pull me into his family. The fact that he wants me there tells me a lot.


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> Because, as silly as it sounds, I always felt guilty if I did or spent anything for myself. I know, I can't blame that on the XW, that it was my own insecurity. I am learning to treat myself better these days.


I've always WANTED my husband to buy a Harley!!! Lol! 
I think it's wonderful that you bought one! How FUN!!!


----------



## RandomDude

Just realised something from another thread... almost 3 years ago my girlfriend when I first met her worked at as corporate reception, and was hit on 60-100x a day. The love note I gave her that day was actually the third she already received - the other two she dumped straight in the bin. Then she decided enough was enough and work at a bank, and I thought that people would be more reserved but she got hit on 3-5x a day by her colleagues instead!!! I was shocked. 

Then she worked in customer care and it was back to 20-100x again depending on where they placed her. Then the virus hit and she studied online for a while after being stood down, was a nice break! But then... since we are on our road to recovery our universities are bringing students back in. And I thought... oh ****, here we go again. But guess how many people hit on her? NONE! And now I know why... she now has to wear a mask 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 !!! Feels SOOO weird, like I've been so used to it last 3 years.

Anyway... carry on lol


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> The last week has been utter poo.


Hang in there, love.



Not said:


> Today is the funeral for Tanks mom. Several days ago he asked me to go with him. This man touches me in ways no man ever has, he is so sweet. Typically I would be uncomfortable attending because we've only been dating for four months but his family has been very warm toward me and one sister in particular has been very welcoming.
> 
> I had bought some sky lanterns for the fourth of July that never got used and gave them to Tank with the suggestion that maybe he could release them with his kids in her honor one night. He's going to release them with his family and kids tonight. Part of me feels like an intruder and that I shouldn't be there but another part of me feels like I should go with the flow and let him pull me into his family. The fact that he wants me there tells me a lot.


Don't be afraid to go, it's awesome how much he trusts you. You sound like you always behave appropriately wherever you go, so, I'm sure you won't intrude at all. Personally, I'd go as a show of support, and hang back to let them do their thing. Your instincts are already speaking to you, trust them. Yes, I know that's hard, but think objectively, how often they're been right.


----------



## WandaJ

RebuildingMe said:


> She wants to explore and we have been. So my question was, is she exploring at 48 because she’s trying to please me, or is it possible she really wants to explore? I hope it the latter, because I don’t want a woman changing for me. I don’t want that burden. So I was asking if other women would be adventurous later in life or not. Make sense?


Many women are becoming moree adventerous later in life because finally they feel free and they know what they want and are no longer afraid to ask for it.


----------



## WandaJ

That’s interesting exchange you guys are having on here. Place to learn for someone who will be back to dating game after 25 years...


----------



## RebuildingMe

WandaJ said:


> That’s interesting exchange you guys are having on here. Place to learn for someone who will be back to dating game after 25 years...


I’m sorry to hear that, or maybe it’s a good thing? Don’t know your backstory but I wanted to say dating has been fun. Keep your expectations reasonable, and you will have a good time. One thing I learned is to keep an open mind. Who you date is NOT your ex, so keep prior life’s baggage out of the way. Easier said than done, but I’m learning. Good luck!


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Hang in there, love.
> 
> 
> Don't be afraid to go, it's awesome how much he trusts you. You sound like you always behave appropriately wherever you go, so, I'm sure you won't intrude at all. Personally, I'd go as a show of support, and hang back to let them do their thing. Your instincts are already speaking to you, trust them. Yes, I know that's hard, but think objectively, how often they're been right.


Thanks TX. I’m glad I went. I do tend to overthink but decided to follow his lead versus questioning him as to wether or not he was sure about it. If he’s comfortable with it I should be too.


----------



## Lila

Good update: I have a boyfriend!!

He's someone I met through a friend's social group. We've known each other for over a year and have hung out quite a bit during that time but I never took his flirtatiousness seriously. He's very attractive and I always dismissed him as being "out of my league". I sort of forced him into friend zone.

I hadn't seen him since before the lockdowns began when lo and behold, I got a message from him in late May asking how I was doing and if I wanted to go boating on the lake. This is why texting is not the best form of communication I thought it was going to be a social group activity so imagine my surprise when I realize it's just him and me. I literally asked if it was a date. Little awkward but he was not shy about saying he was interested in more. 

Anyways, the rest is history. He's a great guy. He saved me from doing online dating again! The best part is he's super humble and he makes me feel safe and secure. Not sure how long this will last but I'm enjoying every second of it.


----------



## WandaJ

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m sorry to hear that, or maybe it’s a good thing? Don’t know your backstory but I wanted to say dating has been fun. Keep your expectations reasonable, and you will have a good time. One thing I learned is to keep an open mind. Who you date is NOT your ex, so keep prior life’s baggage out of the way. Easier said than done, but I’m learning. Good luck!


Thank you. My divorce hasn’t started yet so it will be a while before I am ready for dating. But it is something to look forward to


----------



## WandaJ

Lila said:


> Good update: I have a boyfriend!!
> 
> He's someone I met through a friend's social group. We've known each other for over a year and have hung out quite a bit during that time but I never took his flirtatiousness seriously. He's very attractive and I always dismissed him as being "out of my league". I sort of forced him into friend zone.
> 
> I hadn't seen him since before the lockdowns began when lo and behold, I got a message from him in late May asking how I was doing and if I wanted to go boating on the lake. This is why texting is not the best form of communication I thought it was going to be a social group activity so imagine my surprise when I realize it's just him and me. I literally asked if it was a date. Little awkward but he was not shy about saying he was interested in more.
> 
> Anyways, the rest is history. He's a great guy. He saved me from doing online dating again! The best part is he's super humble and he makes me feel safe and secure. Not sure how long this will last but I'm enjoying every second of it.


Great story! Happy for you!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Lila that’s so awesome! I’m so happy for you!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

Lila said:


> Good update: I have a boyfriend!!
> 
> He's someone I met through a friend's social group. We've known each other for over a year and have hung out quite a bit during that time but I never took his flirtatiousness seriously. He's very attractive and I always dismissed him as being "out of my league". I sort of forced him into friend zone.
> 
> I hadn't seen him since before the lockdowns began when lo and behold, I got a message from him in late May asking how I was doing and if I wanted to go boating on the lake. This is why texting is not the best form of communication I thought it was going to be a social group activity so imagine my surprise when I realize it's just him and me. I literally asked if it was a date. Little awkward but he was not shy about saying he was interested in more.
> 
> Anyways, the rest is history. He's a great guy. He saved me from doing online dating again! The best part is he's super humble and he makes me feel safe and secure. Not sure how long this will last but I'm enjoying every second of it.


Awesome!

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Thanks TX. I’m glad I went. I do tend to overthink but decided to follow his lead versus questioning him as to wether or not he was sure about it. If he’s comfortable with it I should be too.


That's still something I am learning to do too, it surely is a work in progress! I'm glad you went, it shows that you're not a "good-time gal".



Lila said:


> Good update: I have a boyfriend!!
> 
> He's someone I met through a friend's social group. We've known each other for over a year and have hung out quite a bit during that time but I never took his flirtatiousness seriously. He's very attractive and I always dismissed him as being "out of my league". I sort of forced him into friend zone.
> 
> I hadn't seen him since before the lockdowns began when lo and behold, I got a message from him in late May asking how I was doing and if I wanted to go boating on the lake. This is why texting is not the best form of communication I thought it was going to be a social group activity so imagine my surprise when I realize it's just him and me. I literally asked if it was a date. Little awkward but he was not shy about saying he was interested in more.
> 
> Anyways, the rest is history. He's a great guy. He saved me from doing online dating again! The best part is he's super humble and he makes me feel safe and secure. Not sure how long this will last but I'm enjoying every second of it.


That's wonderful news Lila, I'm so happy for you! My only criticism is about your last comment....


Lila said:


> Not sure how long this will last but I'm enjoying every second of it.


Please clear out the negativity and just look at what is in front of you. I know you've been at this a lot longer, and you're afraid of the next shoe dropping. Unfortunately, sometimes you find exactly what you go looking for... mind manifest matter. I used to think that was crap until I realized I was doing it for a lot of things and it affected my mindset. Can't wait to hear some updates!!!!


----------



## Numb26

So, if you spend a lot of time with a person but haven't had any sort of talk about the specifics, is you considered dating?
We have been spending quite a bit of time together but haven't defined what it is yet. I'm just enjoy it.


----------



## Hiner112

Numb26 said:


> So, if you spend a lot of time with a person but haven't had any sort of talk about the specifics, is you considered dating?
> We have been spending quite a bit of time together but haven't defined what it is yet. I'm just enjoy it.


Well, how would you feel if they spent time with someone else?

How would they feel if you spent with someone else?

The answers to those questions will probably tell you if you're dating or something else, I think.


----------



## Numb26

Hiner112 said:


> Well, how would you feel if they spent time with someone else?
> 
> How would they feel if you spent with someone else?
> 
> The answers to those questions will probably tell you if you're dating or something else, I think.


Honestly, never really thought about if she was spending time with someone else. Maybe that means I'm not there yet


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Ok y'all fellow singles... I am struggling and need to ramble. 

I cut contact with my ex bf about three weeks ago. We were still texting every day. After a stupid period of me trying to get him to give us another chance (because I'm an idiot, pretty sure I mentioned it here at the time), we were just talking "as friends". Mosty about him as usual. He couldnt be bothered to even ask me how I was or what I was up to, and between realizing he wasnt actively being a friend to me and dealing with him having lied to me, I decided I was only keeping myself from being able to move on and I cut contact. I texted him to let him know I was done so he wouldnt keep texting. 

So I even though I ended contact, I still stalk. Yep... stupid. Anyway, I found this girl in my stalking ventures who I was pretty sure he was getting involved with. I reached out to a friend that I know talks to him sometimes and she did say he mentioned that he had been talking to someone, and we figured out it was the girl I suspected. OMG... she is beyond trash. Like 15 years younger than him. She is one of the types that he always made fun of before and was put off by because of how trashy and low class they are, and never in a million years would I have picked her as someone he would have been interested in. I am beyond disgusted and honestly I am disappointed in him. My friend told me that he told her that this girl is a freak sex-wise, they sext and she talks all this kinky shyt. (those familiar know that chatting online was always an issue with him that seems to be his thing) Now he took down his single status on FB and she changed her cover photo to a pic of a leather collar with "OWNED" on it in these metal letters. They did this at the same time. She lives about an hour from where we are so I guess they maybe decided to finally hook up, but I have no further info from here. I sent him a really nasty text calling him out and took a good shot at him below the belt... literally LOL. He never responded... which for him is WAY out of the norm lol... but he blocked me on FB so I know he got it. 

Anyway. Here is why I am struggling. NOW HE WANTS SEX?? REALLY?? Those who are familiar with my story know... that he wouldnt have sex with me! I am SO SO pissed! I mean like deep seated anger, pissed! All that time he had no interest in me, and now THIS is what he wants?? GROSS. Just proves to me that I was right... that he never was into me, never was really attracted to me. Any time I ever brought that up, it was always no,no, that isnt true, I just have issues, blah blah blah. (we had a small number of attempts, but it never worked.. he couldnt keep it up with me for more than a minute or so) But I mean I should be glad right, if THIS is what gets him off? I should be glad Im not trash! But here I am feeling undesirable and less than a woman. 

Yes, I am very aware that I am the idiot who stayed in this for so long, so I accept my blame too. After a while it just seems to become your normal or something. I always loved sex, but it comes with emotion for me, so as long as I loved him, I wasnt going to be able to be with anyone else in that way. 

But. Here I am about to face the world of dating at some point soon. No I am not ready yet, but hope to be one day, sooner than later. And I dont even know if I CAN have sex any more. Before my years long dry spell. starting around the time I was 40-41, I had started having issues with vaginal tearing with sex. It mainly happened if there was kind of a break in my activity. Well I have had one hell of a break now, and honestly I am terrified of how this may go. My dr gave me an rx for estrogen cream to apply but I havent used it in a long time because, well.. nothing was happening. So I am scared. I still need to get myself checked for warts because of him. I keep an eye on where I can see, but I know there could be things I cant. Between trying to process all that for a couple months, and then at the same time Covid hit, I had no health coverage from early March to June because I started a new job. Now I just seem paralyzed about it. I need to get in for my yearly check anyway, but the whole process is just UGH. I have fear that maybe I am the one who has it... I went through this over 20 years ago with someone who came up with one, and when I got checked, I had nothing. But now that this happened, I am completely freaked that maybe I carry it and dont know?? But I obviously had other partners over 20 years with no issues. 

Besides my sex issues... I just, dont know how to date. I am not going to do OLD, I hated it after a while and shut them all down back in 2014. We all know what a defective picker I have.. my history has been that I have always been the initiator, because men dont approach me. Well THAT hasnt worked out, clearly. So my natural thought is that I need to wait to be approached, right? How the hell is that going to work when men wont approach me?? This has always been an issue for me and I dont know why. Even back in the day when I was somewhat attractive, I wasnt intimidating. Now I'm older and less attractive. I have aged A LOT over the last five years, Tons of stress... from deaths and loss and the stupid situationship Ive been in... and too many late nights and alcohol for a couple years there took their toll. I used to look young for my age, but now I very much look my age. I am flabby and out of shape with no motivation to change it, even thought I hate it. Now there is REALLY no chance that men will approach me. Im terrified about picking wrong again, I mean they ALL start out awesome, right? How do you know?? Will I see that I really have learned some things over the years of my failures? Ugh. 

Apologies that this is so long and thanks if you've read this. I dont post about me very often, now you see why...Im a mess LOL! I expect FIP to be along soon to kick my ass.


----------



## Hiner112

3Xnocharm said:


> Anyway. Here is why I am struggling. NOW HE WANTS SEX?? REALLY?? Those who are familiar with my story know... that he wouldnt have sex with me! I am SO SO pissed! I mean like deep seated anger, pissed! All that time he had no interest in me, and now THIS is what he wants?? GROSS. Just proves to me that I was right... that he never was into me, never was really attracted to me. Any time I ever brought that up, it was always no,no, that isnt true, I just have issues, blah blah blah. (we had a small number of attempts, but it never worked.. he couldnt keep it up with me for more than a minute or so) But I mean I should be glad right, if THIS is what gets him off? I should be glad Im not trash! But here I am feeling undesirable and less than a woman.
> 
> Yes, I am very aware that I am the idiot who stayed in this for so long, so I accept my blame too. After a while it just seems to become your normal or something. I always loved sex, but it comes with emotion for me, so as long as I loved him, I wasnt going to be able to be with anyone else in that way.


Several months ago @Girl_power started a thread about the feelings and reasoning around why people decide to have sex and be more adventurous / do more things with certain people. It was written from a gender swapped perspective but might be helpful:









Why I did it with him and not you


Just sharing my limited experience and point of view hoping it will help some men. I am HD, I consider myself a “disgusting pervert” but I am not very kinky. I have had 3 sexual partners. The first was my exH. And he was a “disgusting pervert” like me. He made me feel like he was obsessed...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com







3Xnocharm said:


> Besides my sex issues... I just, dont know how to date. I am not going to do OLD, I hated it after a while and shut them all down back in 2014. We all know what a defective picker I have.. my history has been that I have always been the initiator, because men dont approach me. Well THAT hasnt worked out, clearly. So my natural thought is that I need to wait to be approached, right? How the hell is that going to work when men wont approach me?? This has always been an issue for me and I dont know why. Even back in the day when I was somewhat attractive, I wasnt intimidating. Now I'm older and less attractive. I have aged A LOT over the last five years, Tons of stress... from deaths and loss and the stupid situationship Ive been in... and too many late nights and alcohol for a couple years there took their toll. I used to look young for my age, but now I very much look my age. I am flabby and out of shape with no motivation to change it, even thought I hate it. Now there is REALLY no chance that men will approach me. Im terrified about picking wrong again, I mean they ALL start out awesome, right? How do you know?? Will I see that I really have learned some things over the years of my failures? Ugh.
> 
> Apologies that this is so long and thanks if you've read this. I dont post about me very often, now you see why...Im a mess LOL! I expect FIP to be along soon to kick my ass.


I've seen enough stories at online places like the reddit's dating over 40 group to know that they definitely don't all start out great. You might be running into a demographics problem. Men start having major health issues after 40 or 50 that either kill them off or remove them from the dating pool. Conventional wisdom says that there will be men out there that will approach you even if you do look your age or worse but I don't know that for certain.

I have kind of the opposite problem as far as approaching people. I have either been asked out or been set up on blind dates and will have to learn to approach someone while you've always approached someone to date and now want to get someone to come to you. I wish you luck.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I think it should be a requirement for anyone about to embark on a LTR to go away together first. My girl and I did, and what an eye opening experience. You really get to know someone outside of the day to day life stressors. For us, it was a complete and utter disaster. Better to find out now, I suppose.


----------



## RebuildingMe

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok y'all fellow singles... I am struggling and need to ramble.
> 
> I cut contact with my ex bf about three weeks ago. We were still texting every day. After a stupid period of me trying to get him to give us another chance (because I'm an idiot, pretty sure I mentioned it here at the time), we were just talking "as friends". Mosty about him as usual. He couldnt be bothered to even ask me how I was or what I was up to, and between realizing he wasnt actively being a friend to me and dealing with him having lied to me, I decided I was only keeping myself from being able to move on and I cut contact. I texted him to let him know I was done so he wouldnt keep texting.
> 
> So I even though I ended contact, I still stalk. Yep... stupid. Anyway, I found this girl in my stalking ventures who I was pretty sure he was getting involved with. I reached out to a friend that I know talks to him sometimes and she did say he mentioned that he had been talking to someone, and we figured out it was the girl I suspected. OMG... she is beyond trash. Like 15 years younger than him. She is one of the types that he always made fun of before and was put off by because of how trashy and low class they are, and never in a million years would I have picked her as someone he would have been interested in. I am beyond disgusted and honestly I am disappointed in him. My friend told me that he told her that this girl is a freak sex-wise, they sext and she talks all this kinky shyt. (those familiar know that chatting online was always an issue with him that seems to be his thing) Now he took down his single status on FB and she changed her cover photo to a pic of a leather collar with "OWNED" on it in these metal letters. They did this at the same time. She lives about an hour from where we are so I guess they maybe decided to finally hook up, but I have no further info from here. I sent him a really nasty text calling him out and took a good shot at him below the belt... literally LOL. He never responded... which for him is WAY out of the norm lol... but he blocked me on FB so I know he got it.
> 
> Anyway. Here is why I am struggling. NOW HE WANTS SEX?? REALLY?? Those who are familiar with my story know... that he wouldnt have sex with me! I am SO SO pissed! I mean like deep seated anger, pissed! All that time he had no interest in me, and now THIS is what he wants?? GROSS. Just proves to me that I was right... that he never was into me, never was really attracted to me. Any time I ever brought that up, it was always no,no, that isnt true, I just have issues, blah blah blah. (we had a small number of attempts, but it never worked.. he couldnt keep it up with me for more than a minute or so) But I mean I should be glad right, if THIS is what gets him off? I should be glad Im not trash! But here I am feeling undesirable and less than a woman.
> 
> Yes, I am very aware that I am the idiot who stayed in this for so long, so I accept my blame too. After a while it just seems to become your normal or something. I always loved sex, but it comes with emotion for me, so as long as I loved him, I wasnt going to be able to be with anyone else in that way.
> 
> But. Here I am about to face the world of dating at some point soon. No I am not ready yet, but hope to be one day, sooner than later. And I dont even know if I CAN have sex any more. Before my years long dry spell. starting around the time I was 40-41, I had started having issues with vaginal tearing with sex. It mainly happened if there was kind of a break in my activity. Well I have had one hell of a break now, and honestly I am terrified of how this may go. My dr gave me an rx for estrogen cream to apply but I havent used it in a long time because, well.. nothing was happening. So I am scared. I still need to get myself checked for warts because of him. I keep an eye on where I can see, but I know there could be things I cant. Between trying to process all that for a couple months, and then at the same time Covid hit, I had no health coverage from early March to June because I started a new job. Now I just seem paralyzed about it. I need to get in for my yearly check anyway, but the whole process is just UGH. I have fear that maybe I am the one who has it... I went through this over 20 years ago with someone who came up with one, and when I got checked, I had nothing. But now that this happened, I am completely freaked that maybe I carry it and dont know?? But I obviously had other partners over 20 years with no issues.
> 
> Besides my sex issues... I just, dont know how to date. I am not going to do OLD, I hated it after a while and shut them all down back in 2014. We all know what a defective picker I have.. my history has been that I have always been the initiator, because men dont approach me. Well THAT hasnt worked out, clearly. So my natural thought is that I need to wait to be approached, right? How the hell is that going to work when men wont approach me?? This has always been an issue for me and I dont know why. Even back in the day when I was somewhat attractive, I wasnt intimidating. Now I'm older and less attractive. I have aged A LOT over the last five years, Tons of stress... from deaths and loss and the stupid situationship Ive been in... and too many late nights and alcohol for a couple years there took their toll. I used to look young for my age, but now I very much look my age. I am flabby and out of shape with no motivation to change it, even thought I hate it. Now there is REALLY no chance that men will approach me. Im terrified about picking wrong again, I mean they ALL start out awesome, right? How do you know?? Will I see that I really have learned some things over the years of my failures? Ugh.
> 
> Apologies that this is so long and thanks if you've read this. I dont post about me very often, now you see why...Im a mess LOL! I expect FIP to be along soon to kick my ass.


I am sorry you are feeling so down. Already having low self esteem coupled with a desire not to change anything is tough. There isn’t much to work with. I subscribe to the notion that it’s never too late to change. Would therapy help? I’m so sorry 3X


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Maybe I do need therapy. I’m struggling and sick this morning, he went “FB official” with her this morning and I just want to vomit. I’m so disgusted. And he’s so stupid. Ugh. 

I feel so completely inadequate. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## minimalME

I just wanted to give you a hug. I'm sorry that you're suffering.












3Xnocharm said:


> I feel so completely inadequate.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> I think it should be a requirement for anyone about to embark on a LTR to go away together first. My girl and I did, and what an eye opening experience. You really get to know someone outside of the day to day life stressors. For us, it was a complete and utter disaster. Better to find out now, I suppose.


Sorry it was disappointing. What were the issues? Anything that can be fixed?


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> I think it should be a requirement for anyone about to embark on a LTR to go away together first. My girl and I did, and what an eye opening experience. You really get to know someone outside of the day to day life stressors. For us, it was a complete and utter disaster. Better to find out now, I suppose.


I'm SO sorry to hear this...I was rooting for you with this relationship...


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## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> Maybe I do need therapy. I’m struggling and sick this morning, he went “FB official” with her this morning and I just want to vomit. I’m so disgusted. And he’s so stupid. Ugh.
> 
> I feel so completely inadequate.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am so sorry you feel crappy but please know this.... You should not feel inadequate in any way. You are a wonderful person with an amazing heart. The new girl just happens to be a shiny new toy who is obviously oblivious to your ex's issues and shenanigans. Their relationship may well be one made on heaven or it may blow up like an atomic bomb, but none of that is a reflection of you. 

I wish you lived closer. I'd bring you with me on my next girls fun night out. If there was one thing I did right after my ex left, it was to surround myself with my girls. Nothing helps the soul heal better than good girlfriends.

Hugs.


----------



## Lila

Livvie said:


> Sorry it was disappointing. What were the issues? Anything that can be fixed?


Yes, inquiry minds want to know.


----------



## WandaJ

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok y'all fellow singles... I am struggling and need to ramble.
> 
> I cut contact with my ex bf about three weeks ago. We were still texting every day. After a stupid period of me trying to get him to give us another chance (because I'm an idiot, pretty sure I mentioned it here at the time), we were just talking "as friends". Mosty about him as usual. He couldnt be bothered to even ask me how I was or what I was up to, and between realizing he wasnt actively being a friend to me and dealing with him having lied to me, I decided I was only keeping myself from being able to move on and I cut contact. I texted him to let him know I was done so he wouldnt keep texting.
> 
> So I even though I ended contact, I still stalk. Yep... stupid. Anyway, I found this girl in my stalking ventures who I was pretty sure he was getting involved with. I reached out to a friend that I know talks to him sometimes and she did say he mentioned that he had been talking to someone, and we figured out it was the girl I suspected. OMG... she is beyond trash. Like 15 years younger than him. She is one of the types that he always made fun of before and was put off by because of how trashy and low class they are, and never in a million years would I have picked her as someone he would have been interested in. I am beyond disgusted and honestly I am disappointed in him. My friend told me that he told her that this girl is a freak sex-wise, they sext and she talks all this kinky shyt. (those familiar know that chatting online was always an issue with him that seems to be his thing) Now he took down his single status on FB and she changed her cover photo to a pic of a leather collar with "OWNED" on it in these metal letters. They did this at the same time. She lives about an hour from where we are so I guess they maybe decided to finally hook up, but I have no further info from here. I sent him a really nasty text calling him out and took a good shot at him below the belt... literally LOL. He never responded... which for him is WAY out of the norm lol... but he blocked me on FB so I know he got it.
> 
> Anyway. Here is why I am struggling. NOW HE WANTS SEX?? REALLY?? Those who are familiar with my story know... that he wouldnt have sex with me! I am SO SO pissed! I mean like deep seated anger, pissed! All that time he had no interest in me, and now THIS is what he wants?? GROSS. Just proves to me that I was right... that he never was into me, never was really attracted to me. Any time I ever brought that up, it was always no,no, that isnt true, I just have issues, blah blah blah. (we had a small number of attempts, but it never worked.. he couldnt keep it up with me for more than a minute or so) But I mean I should be glad right, if THIS is what gets him off? I should be glad Im not trash! But here I am feeling undesirable and less than a woman.
> 
> Yes, I am very aware that I am the idiot who stayed in this for so long, so I accept my blame too. After a while it just seems to become your normal or something. I always loved sex, but it comes with emotion for me, so as long as I loved him, I wasnt going to be able to be with anyone else in that way.
> 
> But. Here I am about to face the world of dating at some point soon. No I am not ready yet, but hope to be one day, sooner than later. And I dont even know if I CAN have sex any more. Before my years long dry spell. starting around the time I was 40-41, I had started having issues with vaginal tearing with sex. It mainly happened if there was kind of a break in my activity. Well I have had one hell of a break now, and honestly I am terrified of how this may go. My dr gave me an rx for estrogen cream to apply but I havent used it in a long time because, well.. nothing was happening. So I am scared. I still need to get myself checked for warts because of him. I keep an eye on where I can see, but I know there could be things I cant. Between trying to process all that for a couple months, and then at the same time Covid hit, I had no health coverage from early March to June because I started a new job. Now I just seem paralyzed about it. I need to get in for my yearly check anyway, but the whole process is just UGH. I have fear that maybe I am the one who has it... I went through this over 20 years ago with someone who came up with one, and when I got checked, I had nothing. But now that this happened, I am completely freaked that maybe I carry it and dont know?? But I obviously had other partners over 20 years with no issues.
> 
> Besides my sex issues... I just, dont know how to date. I am not going to do OLD, I hated it after a while and shut them all down back in 2014. We all know what a defective picker I have.. my history has been that I have always been the initiator, because men dont approach me. Well THAT hasnt worked out, clearly. So my natural thought is that I need to wait to be approached, right? How the hell is that going to work when men wont approach me?? This has always been an issue for me and I dont know why. Even back in the day when I was somewhat attractive, I wasnt intimidating. Now I'm older and less attractive. I have aged A LOT over the last five years, Tons of stress... from deaths and loss and the stupid situationship Ive been in... and too many late nights and alcohol for a couple years there took their toll. I used to look young for my age, but now I very much look my age. I am flabby and out of shape with no motivation to change it, even thought I hate it. Now there is REALLY no chance that men will approach me. Im terrified about picking wrong again, I mean they ALL start out awesome, right? How do you know?? Will I see that I really have learned some things over the years of my failures? Ugh.
> 
> Apologies that this is so long and thanks if you've read this. I dont post about me very often, now you see why...Im a mess LOL! I expect FIP to be along soon to kick my ass.


I am sorry that you are going through this very disappointing time. Please do not text or try to contact hat guy again, just let him go.

There are times in life that many of us need to reach for outside help. Getting counseling is one thing. Sometimes medication may be needed for a while. If you are down, and can not get your motivation to take care of yourself, maybe consider this to help you get out of the whole?


----------



## WandaJ

RebuildingMe said:


> I think it should be a requirement for anyone about to embark on a LTR to go away together first. My girl and I did, and what an eye opening experience. You really get to know someone outside of the day to day life stressors. For us, it was a complete and utter disaster. Better to find out now, I suppose.


What happened? Things seemed to be going so well for you?


----------



## Affaircare

^^^ Yes this! Inquiring minds want to know


----------



## TXTrini

Oh darling, your pain speaks to me, and as weird as this is coming from a stranger, I wish I could give you a big hug and say it will be ok. As much as you feel stupid to remain in contact and stalk him, at least now you know it's truly over, he's with someone else and the finality has hit home. Interesting he choose someone he himself denigrated before, he obviously has no idea what he wants or who he is or is having difficulty resolving that. 

I hear you about the sex thing, use that anger to help you now. He cheated you of intimacy and pleasure with his dishonesty and cowardice. It's ok not to feel motivated to change right now, just breathe for a bit. It's hard to be motivated to do anything, much less to "do better" when you feel utterly worn down and defeated and it sounds like you feel that way now. Just know you are enough right now, as you are, it doesn't matter how other people are/look.

If you can, do a little meditation, thehonestguys' talkdowns on YouTube are wonderful, practice some self-care, to reconnect with yourself - do a home facial, have a bath, get a haircut, splurge on a mani/pedi if you don't usually do that. If you need to vent, shoot me a PM. I'm trying to be a "better friend to myself" and sometimes it's so hard to see your worth and what you have to offer when you feel hopeless. 




3Xnocharm said:


> Ok y'all fellow singles... I am struggling and need to ramble.
> 
> I cut contact with my ex bf about three weeks ago. We were still texting every day. After a stupid period of me trying to get him to give us another chance (because I'm an idiot, pretty sure I mentioned it here at the time), we were just talking "as friends". Mosty about him as usual. He couldnt be bothered to even ask me how I was or what I was up to, and between realizing he wasnt actively being a friend to me and dealing with him having lied to me, I decided I was only keeping myself from being able to move on and I cut contact. I texted him to let him know I was done so he wouldnt keep texting.
> 
> So I even though I ended contact, I still stalk. Yep... stupid. Anyway, I found this girl in my stalking ventures who I was pretty sure he was getting involved with. I reached out to a friend that I know talks to him sometimes and she did say he mentioned that he had been talking to someone, and we figured out it was the girl I suspected. OMG... she is beyond trash. Like 15 years younger than him. She is one of the types that he always made fun of before and was put off by because of how trashy and low class they are, and never in a million years would I have picked her as someone he would have been interested in. I am beyond disgusted and honestly I am disappointed in him. My friend told me that he told her that this girl is a freak sex-wise, they sext and she talks all this kinky shyt. (those familiar know that chatting online was always an issue with him that seems to be his thing) Now he took down his single status on FB and she changed her cover photo to a pic of a leather collar with "OWNED" on it in these metal letters. They did this at the same time. She lives about an hour from where we are so I guess they maybe decided to finally hook up, but I have no further info from here. I sent him a really nasty text calling him out and took a good shot at him below the belt... literally LOL. He never responded... which for him is WAY out of the norm lol... but he blocked me on FB so I know he got it.
> 
> Anyway. Here is why I am struggling. NOW HE WANTS SEX?? REALLY?? Those who are familiar with my story know... that he wouldnt have sex with me! I am SO SO pissed! I mean like deep seated anger, pissed! All that time he had no interest in me, and now THIS is what he wants?? GROSS. Just proves to me that I was right... that he never was into me, never was really attracted to me. Any time I ever brought that up, it was always no,no, that isnt true, I just have issues, blah blah blah. (we had a small number of attempts, but it never worked.. he couldnt keep it up with me for more than a minute or so) But I mean I should be glad right, if THIS is what gets him off? I should be glad Im not trash! But here I am feeling undesirable and less than a woman.
> 
> Yes, I am very aware that I am the idiot who stayed in this for so long, so I accept my blame too. After a while it just seems to become your normal or something. I always loved sex, but it comes with emotion for me, so as long as I loved him, I wasnt going to be able to be with anyone else in that way.
> 
> But. Here I am about to face the world of dating at some point soon. No I am not ready yet, but hope to be one day, sooner than later. And I dont even know if I CAN have sex any more. Before my years long dry spell. starting around the time I was 40-41, I had started having issues with vaginal tearing with sex. It mainly happened if there was kind of a break in my activity. Well I have had one hell of a break now, and honestly I am terrified of how this may go. My dr gave me an rx for estrogen cream to apply but I havent used it in a long time because, well.. nothing was happening. So I am scared. I still need to get myself checked for warts because of him. I keep an eye on where I can see, but I know there could be things I cant. Between trying to process all that for a couple months, and then at the same time Covid hit, I had no health coverage from early March to June because I started a new job. Now I just seem paralyzed about it. I need to get in for my yearly check anyway, but the whole process is just UGH. I have fear that maybe I am the one who has it... I went through this over 20 years ago with someone who came up with one, and when I got checked, I had nothing. But now that this happened, I am completely freaked that maybe I carry it and dont know?? But I obviously had other partners over 20 years with no issues.
> 
> Besides my sex issues... I just, dont know how to date. I am not going to do OLD, I hated it after a while and shut them all down back in 2014. We all know what a defective picker I have.. my history has been that I have always been the initiator, because men dont approach me. Well THAT hasnt worked out, clearly. So my natural thought is that I need to wait to be approached, right? How the hell is that going to work when men wont approach me?? This has always been an issue for me and I dont know why. Even back in the day when I was somewhat attractive, I wasnt intimidating. Now I'm older and less attractive. I have aged A LOT over the last five years, Tons of stress... from deaths and loss and the stupid situationship Ive been in... and too many late nights and alcohol for a couple years there took their toll. I used to look young for my age, but now I very much look my age. I am flabby and out of shape with no motivation to change it, even thought I hate it. Now there is REALLY no chance that men will approach me. Im terrified about picking wrong again, I mean they ALL start out awesome, right? How do you know?? Will I see that I really have learned some things over the years of my failures? Ugh.
> 
> Apologies that this is so long and thanks if you've read this. I dont post about me very often, now you see why...Im a mess LOL! I expect FIP to be along soon to kick my ass.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok y'all fellow singles... I am struggling and need to ramble.
> 
> I cut contact with my ex bf about three weeks ago. We were still texting every day. After a stupid period of me trying to get him to give us another chance (because I'm an idiot, pretty sure I mentioned it here at the time), we were just talking "as friends". Mosty about him as usual. He couldnt be bothered to even ask me how I was or what I was up to, and between realizing he wasnt actively being a friend to me and dealing with him having lied to me, I decided I was only keeping myself from being able to move on and I cut contact. I texted him to let him know I was done so he wouldnt keep texting.
> 
> So I even though I ended contact, I still stalk. Yep... stupid. Anyway, I found this girl in my stalking ventures who I was pretty sure he was getting involved with. I reached out to a friend that I know talks to him sometimes and she did say he mentioned that he had been talking to someone, and we figured out it was the girl I suspected. OMG... she is beyond trash. Like 15 years younger than him. She is one of the types that he always made fun of before and was put off by because of how trashy and low class they are, and never in a million years would I have picked her as someone he would have been interested in. I am beyond disgusted and honestly I am disappointed in him. My friend told me that he told her that this girl is a freak sex-wise, they sext and she talks all this kinky shyt. (those familiar know that chatting online was always an issue with him that seems to be his thing) Now he took down his single status on FB and she changed her cover photo to a pic of a leather collar with "OWNED" on it in these metal letters. They did this at the same time. She lives about an hour from where we are so I guess they maybe decided to finally hook up, but I have no further info from here. I sent him a really nasty text calling him out and took a good shot at him below the belt... literally LOL. He never responded... which for him is WAY out of the norm lol... but he blocked me on FB so I know he got it.
> 
> Anyway. Here is why I am struggling. NOW HE WANTS SEX?? REALLY?? Those who are familiar with my story know... that he wouldnt have sex with me! I am SO SO pissed! I mean like deep seated anger, pissed! All that time he had no interest in me, and now THIS is what he wants?? GROSS. Just proves to me that I was right... that he never was into me, never was really attracted to me. Any time I ever brought that up, it was always no,no, that isnt true, I just have issues, blah blah blah. (we had a small number of attempts, but it never worked.. he couldnt keep it up with me for more than a minute or so) But I mean I should be glad right, if THIS is what gets him off? I should be glad Im not trash! But here I am feeling undesirable and less than a woman.
> 
> Yes, I am very aware that I am the idiot who stayed in this for so long, so I accept my blame too. After a while it just seems to become your normal or something. I always loved sex, but it comes with emotion for me, so as long as I loved him, I wasnt going to be able to be with anyone else in that way.
> 
> But. Here I am about to face the world of dating at some point soon. No I am not ready yet, but hope to be one day, sooner than later. And I dont even know if I CAN have sex any more. Before my years long dry spell. starting around the time I was 40-41, I had started having issues with vaginal tearing with sex. It mainly happened if there was kind of a break in my activity. Well I have had one hell of a break now, and honestly I am terrified of how this may go. My dr gave me an rx for estrogen cream to apply but I havent used it in a long time because, well.. nothing was happening. So I am scared. I still need to get myself checked for warts because of him. I keep an eye on where I can see, but I know there could be things I cant. Between trying to process all that for a couple months, and then at the same time Covid hit, I had no health coverage from early March to June because I started a new job. Now I just seem paralyzed about it. I need to get in for my yearly check anyway, but the whole process is just UGH. I have fear that maybe I am the one who has it... I went through this over 20 years ago with someone who came up with one, and when I got checked, I had nothing. But now that this happened, I am completely freaked that maybe I carry it and dont know?? But I obviously had other partners over 20 years with no issues.
> 
> Besides my sex issues... I just, dont know how to date. I am not going to do OLD, I hated it after a while and shut them all down back in 2014. We all know what a defective picker I have.. my history has been that I have always been the initiator, because men dont approach me. Well THAT hasnt worked out, clearly. So my natural thought is that I need to wait to be approached, right? How the hell is that going to work when men wont approach me?? This has always been an issue for me and I dont know why. Even back in the day when I was somewhat attractive, I wasnt intimidating. Now I'm older and less attractive. I have aged A LOT over the last five years, Tons of stress... from deaths and loss and the stupid situationship Ive been in... and too many late nights and alcohol for a couple years there took their toll. I used to look young for my age, but now I very much look my age. I am flabby and out of shape with no motivation to change it, even thought I hate it. Now there is REALLY no chance that men will approach me. Im terrified about picking wrong again, I mean they ALL start out awesome, right? How do you know?? Will I see that I really have learned some things over the years of my failures? Ugh.
> 
> Apologies that this is so long and thanks if you've read this. I dont post about me very often, now you see why...Im a mess LOL! I expect FIP to be along soon to kick my ass.


You don't need to have your ass kicked. You just need to mull things over a while, and sort yourself out. I think you learned a LOT from this relationship, even if you don't see it right now. Obviously, he wasn't right for you, but for whatever reason, you ignored the difficulties and persisted. Then, you did the right thing and broke it off, and had your gut feeling confirmed ten-fold by his post-break-up behaviour. It's nothing to do with you, and how attractive or old you are or aren't. It's everything to do with him being selfish and inconsiderate as a person. Your picker didn't fail you. It maybe needs to be sped up a bit, but it was there when you needed it. It does seem to have an uphill battle against your sense of loyalty.

Now, do yourself a favour and block him and his new tramp on social media. You don't need their negativity in your life. Resist the urge to stalk them. It only holds you back.

Heal. Find yourself as a person. Don't worry about dating for a while. Just be human. Be loyal to YOURSELF.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok y'all fellow singles... I am struggling and need to ramble.
> 
> I cut contact with my ex bf about three weeks ago. We were still texting every day. After a stupid period of me trying to get him to give us another chance (because I'm an idiot, pretty sure I mentioned it here at the time), we were just talking "as friends". Mosty about him as usual. He couldnt be bothered to even ask me how I was or what I was up to, and between realizing he wasnt actively being a friend to me and dealing with him having lied to me, I decided I was only keeping myself from being able to move on and I cut contact. I texted him to let him know I was done so he wouldnt keep texting.
> 
> So I even though I ended contact, I still stalk. Yep... stupid. Anyway, I found this girl in my stalking ventures who I was pretty sure he was getting involved with. I reached out to a friend that I know talks to him sometimes and she did say he mentioned that he had been talking to someone, and we figured out it was the girl I suspected. OMG... she is beyond trash. Like 15 years younger than him. She is one of the types that he always made fun of before and was put off by because of how trashy and low class they are, and never in a million years would I have picked her as someone he would have been interested in. I am beyond disgusted and honestly I am disappointed in him. My friend told me that he told her that this girl is a freak sex-wise, they sext and she talks all this kinky shyt. (those familiar know that chatting online was always an issue with him that seems to be his thing) Now he took down his single status on FB and she changed her cover photo to a pic of a leather collar with "OWNED" on it in these metal letters. They did this at the same time. She lives about an hour from where we are so I guess they maybe decided to finally hook up, but I have no further info from here. I sent him a really nasty text calling him out and took a good shot at him below the belt... literally LOL. He never responded... which for him is WAY out of the norm lol... but he blocked me on FB so I know he got it.
> 
> Anyway. Here is why I am struggling. NOW HE WANTS SEX?? REALLY?? Those who are familiar with my story know... that he wouldnt have sex with me! I am SO SO pissed! I mean like deep seated anger, pissed! All that time he had no interest in me, and now THIS is what he wants?? GROSS. Just proves to me that I was right... that he never was into me, never was really attracted to me. Any time I ever brought that up, it was always no,no, that isnt true, I just have issues, blah blah blah. (we had a small number of attempts, but it never worked.. he couldnt keep it up with me for more than a minute or so) But I mean I should be glad right, if THIS is what gets him off? I should be glad Im not trash! But here I am feeling undesirable and less than a woman.
> 
> Yes, I am very aware that I am the idiot who stayed in this for so long, so I accept my blame too. After a while it just seems to become your normal or something. I always loved sex, but it comes with emotion for me, so as long as I loved him, I wasnt going to be able to be with anyone else in that way.
> 
> But. Here I am about to face the world of dating at some point soon. No I am not ready yet, but hope to be one day, sooner than later. And I dont even know if I CAN have sex any more. Before my years long dry spell. starting around the time I was 40-41, I had started having issues with vaginal tearing with sex. It mainly happened if there was kind of a break in my activity. Well I have had one hell of a break now, and honestly I am terrified of how this may go. My dr gave me an rx for estrogen cream to apply but I havent used it in a long time because, well.. nothing was happening. So I am scared. I still need to get myself checked for warts because of him. I keep an eye on where I can see, but I know there could be things I cant. Between trying to process all that for a couple months, and then at the same time Covid hit, I had no health coverage from early March to June because I started a new job. Now I just seem paralyzed about it. I need to get in for my yearly check anyway, but the whole process is just UGH. I have fear that maybe I am the one who has it... I went through this over 20 years ago with someone who came up with one, and when I got checked, I had nothing. But now that this happened, I am completely freaked that maybe I carry it and dont know?? But I obviously had other partners over 20 years with no issues.
> 
> Besides my sex issues... I just, dont know how to date. I am not going to do OLD, I hated it after a while and shut them all down back in 2014. We all know what a defective picker I have.. my history has been that I have always been the initiator, because men dont approach me. Well THAT hasnt worked out, clearly. So my natural thought is that I need to wait to be approached, right? How the hell is that going to work when men wont approach me?? This has always been an issue for me and I dont know why. Even back in the day when I was somewhat attractive, I wasnt intimidating. Now I'm older and less attractive. I have aged A LOT over the last five years, Tons of stress... from deaths and loss and the stupid situationship Ive been in... and too many late nights and alcohol for a couple years there took their toll. I used to look young for my age, but now I very much look my age. I am flabby and out of shape with no motivation to change it, even thought I hate it. Now there is REALLY no chance that men will approach me. Im terrified about picking wrong again, I mean they ALL start out awesome, right? How do you know?? Will I see that I really have learned some things over the years of my failures? Ugh.
> 
> Apologies that this is so long and thanks if you've read this. I dont post about me very often, now you see why...Im a mess LOL! I expect FIP to be along soon to kick my ass.


Damn 3x, he’s all kinds of messed up. You need to take all that energy you put into stalking him and invest that same energy in yourself. He never deserved one bit of what you put into him but you do.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Thanks you guys for the sweet words and the support, it means more than I can tell you. It’s been a damn long day. I still feel sick and am still beyond disgusted, but I did even out for the lost part. I guess I need to wallow for a minute then get up and make a plan for myself. 

I love this forum and my TAM fam. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks you guys for the sweet words and the support, it means more than I can tell you. It’s been a damn long day. I still feel sick and am still beyond disgusted, but I did even out for the lost part. I guess I need to wallow for a minute then get up and make a plan for myself.
> 
> I love this forum and my TAM fam.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Nothing wrong with laying down for a minute to catch your breath, girl, you are only human and not infallible. When you're ready, you'll put on your **** kickers and kick some ****!


----------



## RebuildingMe

In Lake George with her now. I’ll update when I get back. Argument (probably my fault involving sex) but I got the silent treatment for the entire day. Not easy when you are 5 hours from home. I did get an apology finally this morning, a full 24 hours later with an excuse that her marriage had no communication and she is not used to being able to talk to someone that actually wants to communicate their feelings. After an agreement to cut the trip short today, I agreed to continue with the next two scheduled days. Treading lightly until I get back.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

No excuse for the silent treatment, it’s manipulative, passive aggressive and abusive. Sorry things went south like this, but better sooner than later!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## heartsbeating

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks you guys for the sweet words and the support, it means more than I can tell you. It’s been a damn long day. I still feel sick and am still beyond disgusted, but I did even out for the lost part. I guess I need to wallow for a minute then get up and make a plan for myself.
> 
> I love this forum and my TAM fam.


I dig how you wrote you're going to make a plan for yourself.

I don't know if you're up for suggestions at this point... not about dating... just about taking it easy on yourself. To just do one good thing for yourself a day. Could be a good night's sleep. Healthy meal. Skipping alcohol. Going for a walk. Just something to support you in a very simple and not-very-demanding way. 

Like the others have expressed, would love to give you a big (((( virtual hug )))) and surround you with supportive women. Deep breath.


----------



## lifeistooshort

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks you guys for the sweet words and the support, it means more than I can tell you. It’s been a damn long day. I still feel sick and am still beyond disgusted, but I did even out for the lost part. I guess I need to wallow for a minute then get up and make a plan for myself.
> 
> I love this forum and my TAM fam.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I know it doesn't seem like it but he's actually doing you an enormous favor by behaving in such a way that you cut him off because you've always needed to cut him off.

Its just like me finding out about my ex and his skank was the push I needed to leave and cut him off.

And for whatever reason this guy just didn't want sex with you so whether he wants it with someone else doesn't matter except to the extent he was dishonest, but as you've already acknowledge you were an eyes open participant.

As for his trash, you don't know that he's actually doing anything besides running his mouth but either way who cares? You two weren't a good match and that's all that matters.

You know my ex refused to deal with his ED and my self esteem started to take a hit....if I'd stuck around longer it would've had a much bigger impact.

Now I have a guy that gets it up, keeps it up, and comes on to me. Its amazing and you will have this too, but you were never really going to be available for a decent guy as long as you were talking to your ex.

**** him and the horse he rode in on.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> In Lake George with her now. I’ll update when I get back. Argument (probably my fault involving sex) but I got the silent treatment for the entire day. Not easy when you are 5 hours from home. I did get an apology finally this morning, a full 24 hours later with an excuse that her marriage had no communication and she is not used to being able to talk to someone that actually wants to communicate their feelings. After an agreement to cut the trip short today, I agreed to continue with the next two scheduled days. Treading lightly until I get back.


This is too bad. After my divorce I was involved with a man who did the exact same thing to me! We were away on our first trip, it was only for a weekend though, and I got the silent treatment. Later we talked about it and I got excuses, too. 

Someone who dishes out the silent treatment will probably also have other goodies in store for you, such as withdrawal, withholding, and other same types of punishment.

As an adult in your 30s or 40s these are ingrained personality traits and won't change without _substantial_ counseling and self work.

If i were you, I'd let this one go. That's the advice I'd give myself if I could go back. No emotionally any kind of near healthy adult does what she did. THAT'S how she handles conflict. She just gave you a taste of how she operates.


----------



## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> I know it doesn't seem like it but he's actually doing you an enormous favor by behaving in such a way that you cut him off because you've always needed to cut him off.
> 
> Its just like me finding out about my ex and his skank was the push I needed to leave and cut him off.
> 
> And for whatever reason this guy just didn't want sex with you so whether he wants it with someone else doesn't matter except to the extent he was dishonest, but as you've already acknowledge you were an eyes open participant.
> 
> As for his trash, you don't know that he's actually doing anything besides running his mouth but either way who cares? You two weren't a good match and that's all that matters.
> 
> You know my ex refused to deal with his ED and my self esteem started to take a hit....if I'd stuck around longer it would've had a much bigger impact.
> 
> Now I have a guy that gets it up, keeps it up, and comes on to me. Its amazing and you will have this too, but you were never really going to be available for a decent guy as long as you were talking to your ex.
> 
> **** him and the horse he rode in on.


What is it with all these damned men with ED messing with our heads? I stayed with one who claimed that for over 10 yrs (who didn't do anything about it), it truly does wreck your self-esteem! I was a mess when I first started dating, I couldn't believe ANY man wanted me. He did me a favor with his betrayal, the pain of that was enough for me to walk. Now I'm with a man who desires me NOW, not when I get in better shape who is a very ardent lover. Nothing like a good lay to make you feel alive! There's much better out there for you!


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## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> What is it with all these damned men with ED messing with our heads? I stayed with one who claimed that for over 10 yrs (who didn't do anything about it), it truly does wreck your self-esteem! I was a mess when I first started dating, I couldn't believe ANY man wanted me. He did me a favor with his betrayal, the pain of that was enough for me to walk. Now I'm with a man who desires me NOW, not when I get in better shape who is a very ardent lover. Nothing like a good lay to make you feel alive! There's much better out there for you!



What's interesting to me is that because my ex was 50 to my 31 when we met and he was the oldest guy I'd been with i just thought that men over 50 just didn't have that great of a drive.

Imagine my surprise when I got on TAM and discovered that this was false....men over 50 do indeed have good sex drives.

My guy is 54 and type 1 diabetic and still has a great sex drive, and better yet it's directed my way! I'll throw in that he's very careful with his diet and manages his diabetes well.


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## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> What's interesting to me is that because my ex was 50 to my 31 when we met and he was the oldest guy I'd been with i just thought that men over 50 just didn't have that great of a drive.
> 
> Imagine my surprise when I got on TAM and discovered that this was false....men over 50 do indeed have good sex drives.
> 
> My guy is 54 and type 1 diabetic and still has a great sex drive, and better yet it's directed my way! I'll throw in that he's very careful with his diet and manages his diabetes well.


My ex and I were about the same age (I'm 41 now), our therapist said it was all mental. He got it up good enough for his teenage strumpet, he's an alcoholic, so who knows how long that will last. The hilarious part was when he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore (I'm 15 lbs over what I was when we got married, but working on my fitness), he was 60 lbs over his married weight at the time. I scoffed at that one, I had health issues that resulted in a couple of surgeries, he had no medical issues at the time. 

I know not all older men will have ED but I have a lot of life in me yet and I'm not interested in a much older man, men die first most of the time. My bf is about 4.5yrs older and we're doing well so far. He thought he was lower drive, but it's been surprising him by picking up, so it's been lots of fun. Now it's getting interesting, as things are getting more emotional, but still very fun- time will tell.


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## WandaJ

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks you guys for the sweet words and the support, it means more than I can tell you. It’s been a damn long day. I still feel sick and am still beyond disgusted, but I did even out for the lost part. I guess I need to wallow for a minute then get up and make a plan for myself.
> 
> I love this forum and my TAM fam.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It is all fresh, don't beat yourself up about feeling like crap and feeling sorry for yourself. You have every right to feel that way at this moment. Cry, binge on netflix, take a bath. Take it easy. From the bottom you can only go up


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## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> What is it with all these damned men with ED messing with our heads? I stayed with one who claimed that for over 10 yrs (who didn't do anything about it), it truly does wreck your self-esteem! I was a mess when I first started dating, I couldn't believe ANY man wanted me. He did me a favor with his betrayal, the pain of that was enough for me to walk. Now I'm with a man who desires me NOW, not when I get in better shape who is a very ardent lover. Nothing like a good lay to make you feel alive! There's much better out there for you!



What's interesting to me is that because my ex was 50 to my 31 when we met and he was the oldest guy I'd been with i just thought that men over 50 just didn't have that great of a drive.

Imagine my surprise when I got on TAM and discovered that this was false....men over 50 do indeed have good sex drives.

My guy is 54 and type 1 diabetic and still has a great sex drive, and better yet it's directed my way! I'll throw in that he's very careful with his diet and mqna


TXTrini said:


> My ex and I were about the same age (I'm 41 now), our therapist said it was all mental. He got it up good enough for his teenage strumpet, he's an alcoholic, so who knows how long that will last. The hilarious part was when he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore (I'm 15 lbs over what I was when we got married, but working on my fitness), he was 60 lbs over his married weight at the time. I scoffed at that one, I had health issues that resulted in a couple of surgeries, he had no medical issues at the time.
> 
> I know not all older men will have ED but I have a lot of life in me yet and I'm not interested in a much older man, men die first most of the time. My bf is about 4.5yrs older and we're doing well so far. He thought he was lower drive, but it's been surprising him by picking up, so it's been lots of fun. Now it's getting interesting, as things are getting more emotional, but still very fun- time will tell.



My bf is 8.5 years older and I'm ok with that. My therapist and I talked about this.....her opinion was 10 years or less was ideal because after that you run into generational differences.

We are close enough that we can have shared memories and experiences, which is something else you lack with a large age difference.

Statistically I suppose he'll die sooner but I'm really not thinking that far down the road. Besides...his parents are in their 80's and doing ok. And he's very health conscious.


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## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> My bf is 8.5 years older and I'm ok with that. My therapist and I talked about this.....her opinion was 10 years or less was ideal because after that you run into generational differences.
> 
> We are close enough that we can have shared memories and experiences, which is something else you lack with a large age difference.
> 
> Statistically I suppose he'll die sooner but I'm really not thinking that far down the road. Besides...his parents are in their 80's and doing ok. And he's very health conscious.


I've heard that too, my first bf was about that much older, but I was jailbait at the time. I've been with men my age ever since, nothing I planned, it just worked out that way. I love being able to relate with a peer, I went on a date with a 36 y/o and he was nice and all, but I was WAY too conscious of the age difference. Let's just say I feel a little bit too energetic for an older man, unless he looks and move like Gianluca Vacchi. 😝 That man can move his hips


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## notmyjamie

@3Xnocharm 

Has it occurred to you that he's hunting for your replacement? That means, in the beginning at least, he needs to draw someone in until she's stuck and then he can be his real self again?? You said he thinks someone like her is dumb...well, who better to draw in with false promises. Also, if she's posting "owned" pictures she is probably very submissive and so he's going to be in charge. Soon enough he'll use his power with her to sit on his ass and not have sex with her either. 

There is NOTHING wrong with you. I'm sure any guy would love a crack at a night, or more! with you. Everything you've written about your ex tells me this girl is going to be wondering why he won't have sex with her anymore soon enough. 

You don't sound healed enough to start dating. Stop stalking him and her and get on with living your own life. You'll be much happier for it in the end. _hugs_

@RebuildingMe Sorry to hear about your troubles on the trip. I agree...going away is a huge eye opener, but there is no excuse for an entire day of a silent treatment. BF and I got into our first fight a couple months ago. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night so when he texted me at 7:30am, a time I am always awake, I didn't answer as I had finally fallen asleep. A couple hours later he texted "silent treatment huh?" because that's what his ex wife used to do to him. The text woke me up and I made sure he knew I had been sleeping. We worked it all out the next day...some of it was a miscommunication and some of it was just a difference of opinion about something.We learned a few things about each other and moved on from it. But that won't happen if you stop talking to each other. Better to learn early if she's not up to the task of a mature, healthy relationship.


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## lifeistooshort

notmyjamie said:


> @3Xnocharm
> 
> Has it occurred to you that he's hunting for your replacement? That means, in the beginning at least, he needs to draw someone in until she's stuck and then he can be his real self again?? You said he thinks someone like her is dumb...well, who better to draw in with false promises. Also, if she's posting "owned" pictures she is probably very submissive and so he's going to be in charge. Soon enough he'll use his power with her to sit on his ass and not have sex with her either.
> 
> There is NOTHING wrong with you. I'm sure any guy would love a crack at a night, or more! with you. Everything you've written about your ex tells me this girl is going to be wondering why he won't have sex with her anymore soon enough.
> 
> You don't sound healed enough to start dating. Stop stalking him and her and get on with living your own life. You'll be much happier for it in the end. _hugs_
> 
> @RebuildingMe Sorry to hear about your troubles on the trip. I agree...going away is a huge eye opener, but there is no excuse for an entire day of a silent treatment. BF and I got into our first fight a couple months ago. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night so when he texted me at 7:30am, a time I am always awake, I didn't answer as I had finally fallen asleep. A couple hours later he texted "silent treatment huh?" because that's what his ex wife used to do to him. The text woke me up and I made sure he knew I had been sleeping. We worked it all out the next day...some of it was a miscommunication and some of it was just a difference of opinion about something.We learned a few things about each other and moved on from it. But that won't happen if you stop talking to each other. Better to learn early if she's not up to the task of a mature, healthy relationship.


Oh, that's a really good point. If he packaged himself as 3x experienced nobody in their right mind would go for it, so he has to ******** until he can hook them.

Hadn't thought of that!


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## Hopeful Cynic

RebuildingMe said:


> In Lake George with her now. I’ll update when I get back. Argument (probably my fault involving sex) but I got the silent treatment for the entire day. Not easy when you are 5 hours from home. I did get an apology finally this morning, a full 24 hours later with an excuse that her marriage had no communication and she is not used to being able to talk to someone that actually wants to communicate their feelings. After an agreement to cut the trip short today, I agreed to continue with the next two scheduled days. Treading lightly until I get back.


Silent treatment for a whole day? Methinks you now know the source of her marriage's communications problems.

Living with a person is definitely enlightening!


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## 3Xnocharm

notmyjamie said:


> @3Xnocharm
> 
> Has it occurred to you that he's hunting for your replacement? That means, in the beginning at least, he needs to draw someone in until she's stuck and then he can be his real self again?? You said he thinks someone like her is dumb...well, who better to draw in with false promises. Also, if she's posting "owned" pictures she is probably very submissive and so he's going to be in charge. Soon enough he'll use his power with her to sit on his ass and not have sex with her either.
> 
> There is NOTHING wrong with you. I'm sure any guy would love a crack at a night, or more! with you. Everything you've written about your ex tells me this girl is going to be wondering why he won't have sex with her anymore soon enough.
> 
> You don't sound healed enough to start dating. Stop stalking him and her and get on with living your own life. You'll be much happier for it in the end. _hugs_
> 
> .


Well here is what I’m confused about regarding the whole “owned” thing... this girl comes off to me as very aggressive and in your face. Seems to me SHE would be the dom.. if she thinks that HE is going to be the dominant one, she is in for a rude awakening. He has no spine, no balls. He is a mr nice guy. He may be able to pull off this act for a short time in the beginning, but it’s not who he is. I can’t believe all this because this crap isn’t anything he ever expressed interest in, even when we talked porn and stuff. And yeah the whole ED thing will eventually kick in too. Hell, maybe he got some viagra or something... but it’s will be an issue at some point. She’s 14 years younger than him and there is no way possible he’s going to be able to keep up with her for a long, if at all. Oh and as of late March he still had warts that weren’t going away!

Nobody knows this girl, so I’m not getting any info at all. I know I know, stop stalking and stop worrying about it. It’s just really hard when I have no answers to anything!

It will all crash down. I give it two months. Let’s see how close I come to that number lol. 

I did get an offer from a guy I know for some no strings sex to help get over it when I’m ready! Lol! He is recently divorced so isn’t looking to be serious with anyone, I appreciated the offer and once I get a clean bill of down there health, I may take him up on it!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Affaircare

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok y'all fellow singles... I am struggling and need to ramble.
> 
> I cut contact with my ex bf about three weeks ago. We were still texting every day. After a stupid period of me trying to get him to give us another chance (because I'm an idiot, pretty sure I mentioned it here at the time), we were just talking "as friends". Mosty about him as usual. He couldnt be bothered to even ask me how I was or what I was up to, and between realizing he wasnt actively being a friend to me and dealing with him having lied to me, I decided I was only keeping myself from being able to move on and I cut contact. I texted him to let him know I was done so he wouldnt keep texting.


I think cutting contact with your exBF was a wise idea, because @3Xnocharm when a man is into you, he will be the one wanting to be with you, not you having to sort of beg him for a chance...or having to sort of beg him to ask about you. You'll know it's a more healthy relationship when his interest in you is similar to your interest in him. So good job recognizing that there was not balance, and good job also recognizing that texting "as friends" was keeping you from being able to move on. Well done!



> So I even though I ended contact, I still stalk. Yep... stupid. Anyway, I found this girl in my stalking ventures who I was pretty sure he was getting involved with. I reached out to a friend that I know talks to him sometimes and she did say he mentioned that he had been talking to someone, and we figured out it was the girl I suspected. OMG... she is beyond trash. Like 15 years younger than him. She is one of the types that he always made fun of before and was put off by because of how trashy and low class they are, and never in a million years would I have picked her as someone he would have been interested in. I am beyond disgusted and honestly I am disappointed in him. My friend told me that he told her that this girl is a freak sex-wise, they sext and she talks all this kinky shyt. (those familiar know that chatting online was always an issue with him that seems to be his thing) Now he took down his single status on FB and she changed her cover photo to a pic of a leather collar with "OWNED" on it in these metal letters. They did this at the same time. She lives about an hour from where we are so I guess they maybe decided to finally hook up, but I have no further info from here.


* Sigh * @3Xnocharm I know that you know this, but when you end contact, that means that you disentangle yourself and your life and your emotions from the other person ENTIRELY... and you go right on ahead and live your life your way without them AT ALL. If a person was cheating and they "ended contact" that doesn't mean you keep stalking and ask a friend of a friend who knows a guy to find out information. That's continuing contact! No Contact, means none. Not even rumors. You end all contact with the person in every way you two ever connected AND every way you possible could connect...AND you end all contact with those who knew the two of you "as a couple"...and you end contact with mutual friends or relative who might tell you about them "on accident" (maybe not for forever with those friends/relatives but for a little while until you are utter over the person). You END ALL CONTACT. 

So the person he is with is "beyond trash." So what? He's not with you anymore. In fact, YOU aren't with him anymore because he wasn't good enough for you!! And it makes sense he'd go after trash (in a completely messed up, mentally unhealthy way) because when he was with a person like you who is intelligent, moral, and decent, he felt "less than"...and with WhiteTrashTrailerTramp he feels like HE is the good one and feels "more than" her cuz she's trashy! The only attractive thing she has to catch a man's interest is her disgusting freaky sexual antics, and yeah a man may look twice at that to get off and use her, but that's not the kind of attraction that will keep a long-term, committed, honest, loving, decent, caring man. Soooo...if he's with trash, who cares?



> I sent him a really nasty text calling him out and took a good shot at him below the belt... literally LOL. He never responded... which for him is WAY out of the norm lol... but he blocked me on FB so I know he got it.


All this accomplished was that now he knows you still care. Do you know why I didn't send him a nasty-gram about being with WhiteTrashTrailerTramp? Cuz I don't care. He's less than the mailman to me. He can have her, I don't care. In fact, I don't care so much that I never even looked up his FB status. And if he picks a flea-infested mutt (shrug).... soooooo? Doesn't mean a thing to me. Next time you're tempted to send a nasty-gram, just remember that he is the equivalent of the plumber to you. Do you care who the plumber sleeps with? Do you care if the plumber puts a dog-collar on a hoe? NOPE! He is the plumber! Shake it off. 



> Anyway. Here is why I am struggling. NOW HE WANTS SEX?? REALLY?? Those who are familiar with my story know... that he wouldnt have sex with me! I am SO SO pissed! I mean like deep seated anger, pissed! All that time he had no interest in me, and now THIS is what he wants?? GROSS. Just proves to me that I was right... that he never was into me, never was really attracted to me. Any time I ever brought that up, it was always no,no, that isnt true, I just have issues, blah blah blah. (we had a small number of attempts, but it never worked.. he couldnt keep it up with me for more than a minute or so) But I mean I should be glad right, if THIS is what gets him off? I should be glad Im not trash! But here I am feeling undesirable and less than a woman.


You know, I totally get this. So many times, we feel like as women that if our man was "into us" all we'd have to do is brush past...and he'd run right up the flagpole and salute! LOL And if he doesn't run up the flagpole, or if the flagpole turns more into a willow branch, we kind of feel like it must be us: we're not attractive enough or we're too fat or we're not desirable. Here's the thing: a penis is not the biggest sexual organ on a man (no matter how "hung" he is). The biggest sex organ is his BRAIN. A lot of sex and attraction and pleasure has to do with your mind, and that includes being relatively stress-free, being able to concentrate, being able to quiet the voices in your head and get into it...all kinds of stuff like that! And if the mind overrides, sometimes I don't care WHAT you do...the body won't respond. I used to think that if your mind was just plain turned off, you could stroke a penis and he'd rise up responding to the physical stimulus, but NOPE! Other way round! The penis and mind have to work together (and even then sometimes there may be issues like illnesses or physical preventions). In fact, sometimes a guy REALLY WANTS to get with a gal and get hard, and if little head won't cooperate, then he gets nervous and anxious "Is it gonna work this time?" and the more scared he gets, the less that little head will pop up! 

So I'm saying all this cuz it wasn't you. Chances are about 99.99% that it was him, something within him, something in his body or his head wasn't connecting right and he felt ashamed, nervous, or anxious about it and kept feeling like he was disappointing you. With WhiteTrashTrailerTramp he doesn't have to fact that--she's a tramp! If she wears a dog collar, he OWNS her and doesn't have to explain himself to something he OWNS. Make sense?



> Yes, I am very aware that I am the idiot who stayed in this for so long, so I accept my blame too. After a while it just seems to become your normal or something. I always loved sex, but it comes with emotion for me, so as long as I loved him, I wasnt going to be able to be with anyone else in that way.


Well that is how you are and those are your values. That is alignment with your inner core! Cool! Now all you need to do is find a human male who has those same values and who also aligns with his own inner core, and your two inner cores will be compatible!



> But. Here I am about to face the world of dating at some point soon. No I am not ready yet, but hope to be one day, sooner than later. And I dont even know if I CAN have sex any more. Before my years long dry spell. starting around the time I was 40-41, I had started having issues with vaginal tearing with sex. It mainly happened if there was kind of a break in my activity. Well I have had one hell of a break now, and honestly I am terrified of how this may go. My dr gave me an rx for estrogen cream to apply but I havent used it in a long time because, well.. nothing was happening. So I am scared. I still need to get myself checked for warts because of him. I keep an eye on where I can see, but I know there could be things I cant. Between trying to process all that for a couple months, and then at the same time Covid hit, I had no health coverage from early March to June because I started a new job. Now I just seem paralyzed about it. I need to get in for my yearly check anyway, but the whole process is just UGH. I have fear that maybe I am the one who has it... I went through this over 20 years ago with someone who came up with one, and when I got checked, I had nothing. But now that this happened, I am completely freaked that maybe I carry it and dont know?? But I obviously had other partners over 20 years with no issues.


Here's the thing, @3Xnocharm ... you be you. If you have warts, you've got warts, and someone who loves you and cares for you will figure out how to work around that with you. If you've got vaginal tearing with sex, then you need a gentle partner, and someone who loves you and cares for you will figure out how to work around that with you. If you need estrogen cream (welcome to the club of "personal summer" UGH), then you need a fan, and someone who loves you and cares for you will figure out how to work around that with you. You are worth taking care of. You are worth looking after your health. You are worth taking the time to figure out how to have mutually pleasing sex together (and no it is not mutually pleasing to TEAR you). You are worth this!



> Besides my sex issues... I just, dont know how to date. I am not going to do OLD, I hated it after a while and shut them all down back in 2014. We all know what a defective picker I have.. my history has been that I have always been the initiator, because men dont approach me. Well THAT hasnt worked out, clearly. So my natural thought is that I need to wait to be approached, right? How the hell is that going to work when men won't approach me?? This has always been an issue for me and I dont know why. Even back in the day when I was somewhat attractive, I wasn't intimidating. Now I'm older and less attractive. I have aged A LOT over the last five years, Tons of stress... from deaths and loss and the stupid situationship Ive been in... and too many late nights and alcohol for a couple years there took their toll. I used to look young for my age, but now I very much look my age. I am flabby and out of shape with no motivation to change it, even thought I hate it. Now there is REALLY no chance that men will approach me. Im terrified about picking wrong again, I mean they ALL start out awesome, right? How do you know?? Will I see that I really have learned some things over the years of my failures? Ugh.


#1 You know my story right? First marriage, my exH cheated and left me and the 2 kids for his Wistress. I was mid-30's and figured "who would want a 30-something with built in kids?" so I decided to just live my life, be happy, and raise my kids. I went to some counseling to build my self-esteem and figure out what a healthy relationship would even look like. And you know who wanted a 30-something with built-in kids? A guy in his early 40's with 5 kids of his own and a walk-away wife! Second marriage, Dear Hubby, I was a mom and step-mom to seven, and I had an emotional affair, but we did the hard work and not only reconciled--we rebuilt a whole new marriage. I loved the man, and he died at age 59yo of heart failure. By then I was early 50's and I figured "who would want a 50-something with kids and step-kids and an affair?" so I decided to just live my life, be happy, and learn to live inspite of the fact that my husband died. You know who wanted a 50-something with kids and step-kids and an affair? A buddhist who had kids and an almost 30-year marriage of his own that ended. 

All I'm saying is that three times I thought my life was over. I figured each time I'd never have sex again, much less love someone and get married! So if I can find love, you can too. We aren't Barbie Doll beauties, but you know what we are? We have AMAZINGLY beautiful hearts. And someone will see how beautiful your heart is and love it. 

#2 If you feel like you have a defective picker, go to counseling or a support group or something, and fix that!

#3 Dating--Ugh I've never had luck with OLD so I wouldn't go there. What I've always done is just live my life doing things I enjoy and eventually you run into a regular at the coffee shop, a guy in your yoga class, or someone at your Divorce Recovery group...and you talk. And you ask him to lunch. And he asks you to dinner. In my case, I met Dear Hubby and Beloved Buddhist online on forums, writing about what I am passionate about. So it's not so much a "meat market" unless you go to the meat market and hang yourself on the hook! Just be you. And don't look for men at the bar, cuz then you meet men who frequent a bar--drinkers! LOL

#4 Last thing: think about the women in your life whom you love. I mean the women who have nurtured you, supported you, smiled at you, been loving friends... got them in your head? How many are "Hollywood Pretty"? And yet when you think of them, they are BEAUTIFUL, aren't they? RADIANT! The beauty from their hearts spills over onto their face and shows in their actions and how they treat others. Your beauty, my friend, is not in your skin or hair or even your face--your beauty is within you. Your beauty GROWS each year--it doesn't diminish. Think of it like a light of love inside yourself that gets bigger and brighter and more lovely as you grow more and more as a person. THAT is what will attract a man to you! Any man who wants no wrinkles and no gray hair is not a man of quality. Shake him off. 



> Apologies that this is so long and thanks if you've read this. I dont post about me very often, now you see why...Im a mess LOL! I expect FIP to be along soon to kick my ass.


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## Elizabeth001

Most excellent post!!! @Affaircare


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## 3Xnocharm

@Affaircare thank you 


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## WandaJ

great, supportive post @Affaircare !


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## 2&out

Nice post. Probably should save it for next time to post again. Didn't she break up/cut of contact with this guy like 3 plus years ago and several times since ? She didn't mean it then and looks to me like she doesn't mean it now. She is already planning her strategy.... "It will all crash down. I give it two months. Let’s see how close I come to that number lol." She'll be stalking his every move and as soon as she sees an opening she'll be contacting him. 

Wish I could say "not this time" but sorry to say... bet I'm right. We'll be hearing again how they are "breaking up".


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## 3Xnocharm

Bet you’re not. 

I don’t want him back. What I’m struggling with is reconciling with the fact that he is gushing over this trashy girl in a way he never did over me. The fact that such an obvious downgrade gets the good stuff from him that I never did, and I knew this would happen once we broke for good. I’m trying to deal with my disgust... both with him and with myself for having put up with so much less than I deserved for too long. 


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## attheend02

3Xnocharm said:


> Bet you’re not.
> 
> I don’t want him back. What I’m struggling with is reconciling with the fact that he is gushing over this trashy girl in a way he never did over me. The fact that such an obvious downgrade gets the good stuff from him that I never did, and I knew this would happen once we broke for good. I’m trying to deal with my disgust... both with him and with myself for having put up with so much less than I deserved for too long.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Keep strong #3Xnocharm! you know what you must do as you always give great advice to others.


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## jlg07

3Xnocharm said:


> Bet you’re not.
> 
> I don’t want him back. What I’m struggling with is reconciling with the fact that he is gushing over this trashy girl in a way he never did over me. The fact that such an obvious downgrade gets the good stuff from him that I never did, and I knew this would happen once we broke for good. I’m trying to deal with my disgust... both with him and with myself for having put up with so much less than I deserved for too long.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So 3X, can you AVOID looking at any of his stuff or hearing about him? Sounds a bit like pain shopping here. Just go about YOUR life. If she is so trashy, you DO realize that SHE will be his own karma bus, so think of it like YOU are now free.


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## lifeistooshort

3Xnocharm said:


> Bet you’re not.
> 
> I don’t want him back. What I’m struggling with is reconciling with the fact that he is gushing over this trashy girl in a way he never did over me. The fact that such an obvious downgrade gets the good stuff from him that I never did, and I knew this would happen once we broke for good. I’m trying to deal with my disgust... both with him and with myself for having put up with so much less than I deserved for too long.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is what chump lady calls "untangling the skein" and it's pointless.

Who cares why he's pursuing trash?

Stop trying to understand him. It's no longer your circus and he's no longer your monkey.

The sooner you cut him out of your life the better off you'll be.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> Bet you’re not.
> 
> I don’t want him back. What I’m struggling with is reconciling with the fact that he is gushing over this trashy girl in a way he never did over me. The fact that such an obvious downgrade gets the good stuff from him that I never did, and I knew this would happen once we broke for good. I’m trying to deal with my disgust... both with him and with myself for having put up with so much less than I deserved for too long.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is your process and you’ll do it how you do it. It may look messy but it’s how you do the process so it’s perfect. You’ll move forward one step at a time according to your own timeline and not before. If you‘re not ready for the next step then your just not ready but I’ve seen the advice you give out here so I believe you know what you’re doing, you’re just a bit angry right now lol! Gotta let that angry energy run it’s course first.


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## Affaircare

Hey @3Xnocharm ...


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## 3Xnocharm

jlg07 said:


> So 3X, can you AVOID looking at any of his stuff or hearing about him? Sounds a bit like pain shopping here. Just go about YOUR life. If she is so trashy, you DO realize that SHE will be his own karma bus, so think of it like YOU are now free.


Yes I can avoid it and you are right on the pain shopping. It’s stupid. I have a close friend who is doing the same thing and we are trying to talk each other into better things for ourselves. And yes, that girl will be the karma bus for sure, this isn’t going to end well for him LOL! One thing I never thought him to be was stupid but evidently I was wrong...


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## RandomDude

Wonder if 3 years is too soon to marry for a divorcee.


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## 3Xnocharm

Well I’m still here, made it through the week lol... going to the dr tomorrow afternoon. Ugh. 


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## 3Xnocharm

Well I’m still here, made it through the week lol... going to the dr tomorrow afternoon. Ugh. 


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## Elizabeth001

3Xnocharm said:


> Well I’m still here, made it through the week lol... going to the dr tomorrow afternoon. Ugh.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Knowledge is power.


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## WandaJ

RandomDude said:


> Wonder if 3 years is too soon to marry for a divorcee.


Are you asking for yourself? Did you used that time to re-group, to figure out what went wrong?

But bear in mind that things feel rosy at the beginning of the relationship. Maybe it’s worth to wait a little to see if relationship is still good after the novelty wears off?


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## RandomDude

WandaJ said:


> Are you asking for yourself? Did you used that time to re-group, to figure out what went wrong?
> 
> But bear in mind that things feel rosy at the beginning of the relationship. Maybe it’s worth to wait a little to see if relationship is still good after the novelty wears off?


With my marriage it was very simple what went wrong, I simply did not know what love was. Not being in love at least.

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, it's completely different with and without the novelty. We already live together and she's implanted into mine and my daughter's life already. 
Still, I am paranoid, don't know what it would take for me to be sure anymore, or if even I can be ever sure.


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## bkyln309

Just wanted to post an update: Older Man and I have decided we are going to move in together. It has been 5.5 years. We have a few breakups but have ended up back together. Going to therapy helped me tremendously set correct boundaries and expectations with him and with myself. It has been a long road but we are in a really wonderful place. His relationship with my kids has grown and he has really stepped up after the death of their dad. So the plan is to move in in about 3 months or so. If all goes well in the next 6 months after he moves in, we will buy a larger house together and sell this one.


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## 3Xnocharm

3Xnocharm said:


> Well I’m still here, made it through the week lol... going to the dr tomorrow afternoon. Ugh.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


All good!! Happy dance! 


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## Elizabeth001

3Xnocharm said:


> All good!! Happy dance!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yay!!!


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## Not

So when does one start to relax and stop being on the lookout for red flags? It's been five months. I think it's become an ingrained habit for me and I'm tired. Like I don't know how to stop. Tank hasn't done anything wrong, he's been great but there's a part of me that keeps watching and analyzing. I want to know what it's like to not live like that.


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## WandaJ

Not said:


> So when does one start to relax and stop being on the lookout for red flags? It's been five months. I think it's become an ingrained habit for me and I'm tired. Like I don't know how to stop. Tank hasn't done anything wrong, he's been great but there's a part of me that keeps watching and analyzing. I want to know what it's like to not live like that.


 not sure . I think some of us are scarred for life and will be always looking for things to crumble.


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## RebuildingMe

RandomDude said:


> With my marriage it was very simple what went wrong, I simply did not know what love was. Not being in love at least.
> 
> I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, it's completely different with and without the novelty. We already live together and she's implanted into mine and my daughter's life already.
> Still, I am paranoid, don't know what it would take for me to be sure anymore, or if even I can be ever sure.


Sounds like things are good. Why on God’s green earth would you want to marry again? Leave well enough alone?


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## TXTrini

Not said:


> So when does one start to relax and stop being on the lookout for red flags? It's been five months. I think it's become an ingrained habit for me and I'm tired. Like I don't know how to stop. Tank hasn't done anything wrong, he's been great but there's a part of me that keeps watching and analyzing. I want to know what it's like to not live like that.


Girl, I totally get it. For me, it's not about what he does/does not do, it's about my judgement. Do you think that it might be a little bit of that? 



WandaJ said:


> not sure . I think some of us are scarred for life and will be always looking for things to crumble.


I'm struggling with this. Imo there are two choices: be jaded and always waiting for the other shoe to drop, or be at peace and trust myself enough to know I will always be ok, no matter what anyone does/ doesn't do.

Even though the choice is obvious, it is incredibly difficult to put into practice. 



RebuildingMe said:


> Sounds like things are good. Why on God’s green earth would you want to marry again? Leave well enough alone?


Some people don't view bf/gf as anything permanent or meaningful, heck it even sounds juvenile. On the one hand, it's like comparing someone you love now and punishing them for what went wrong in your past relationships by offering a "lesser" commitment. I know this will piss off the "I don'tbelieve in a piece of paper" people, but you know what, this is Talk About Marriage, so tough titties.


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## RandomDude

RebuildingMe said:


> Sounds like things are good. Why on God’s green earth would you want to marry again? Leave well enough alone?


@TXTrini pretty much nailed it, and my girlfriend has never been married, so you can imagine the desire for permanent arrangements.


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## notmyjamie

TXTrini said:


> Some people don't view bf/gf as anything permanent or meaningful, heck it even sounds juvenile. On the one hand, it's like comparing someone you love now and punishing them for what went wrong in your past relationships by offering a "lesser" commitment. I know this will piss off the "I don'tbelieve in a piece of paper" people, but you know what, this is Talk About Marriage, so tough titties.



It’s funny...even though I have no burning need to be “married” again, I don’t like the idea of having to call my BF “my boyfriend” for the rest of my life. For financial reasons it’s better if we don't marry until after we retire but saying “boyfriend” in my 60’s and beyond just sounds stupid. But getting married just to avoid that is more stupid I guess. LOL


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## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> @TXTrini pretty much nailed it, and my girlfriend has never been married, so you can imagine the desire for permanent arrangements.


Just get a prenup to protect your assets and daughter's inheritance to CYA man. I wish you both the best!



notmyjamie said:


> It’s funny...even though I have no burning need to be “married” again, I don’t like the idea of having to call my BF “my boyfriend” for the rest of my life. For financial reasons it’s better if we don't marry until after we retire but saying “boyfriend” in my 60’s and beyond just sounds stupid. But getting married just to avoid that is more stupid I guess. LOL


Tell me about it girl! How long have you two been seeing each other? I thought it was cheaper to live together, does it push you guys over a backet or something?

For you folks who've been divorced, how long did it take you to sort out what you wanted? Do you know for sure, now? Or are you just open if someone who knocks your socks off struts in?

I'm not even a year out, but I started thinking about what I want since my bf starting making future-oriented comments. I don't want to let too much time pass with him without giving that some thought just in case. I'm in no hurry, even if that's what I decide I want, but I don't see the point in dating someone with no thought of the future either, you know?


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## 3Xnocharm

Not said:


> So when does one start to relax and stop being on the lookout for red flags? It's been five months. I think it's become an ingrained habit for me and I'm tired. Like I don't know how to stop. Tank hasn't done anything wrong, he's been great but there's a part of me that keeps watching and analyzing. I want to know what it's like to not live like that.


Well, it’s only been five months, so maybe after a year you can start to relax more. currently he is most likely still on his best behavior. After a year, it would get harder for a man to keep up any kind of façade he may be presenting. I think it’s a good idea to always be on the lookout though, you don’t want to get complacent and allow those bad things to creep in. Narcissists can keep up their act for quite some time, before their real colors start to show. Once the love bombing ends, and they feel like they have you secured, that’s when they start to show you who they are. My ex-husband started to show his real self in probably the 2nd to 3rd year of our relationship. This is why the idea of going into a new relationship pretty much terrifies me. I am really hoping that I am able to pick up on flags now that I have been through so much. 


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## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Just get a prenup to protect your assets and daughter's inheritance to CYA man. I wish you both the best!


Thanks, though my reservations aren't financial at all. It's more the worry if we are ready, or we should wait. I know deep down I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I also fear if marrying her soon instead of later will negatively affect our dynamics. I've been through it all, and even as amicable as my divorce was it still shook me up somewhat. My daughter's inheritance will be secured sure, however, she also wants children of her own, so you know, parenting half-siblings... along with a lot of other things to consider.


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## notmyjamie

TXTrini said:


> Tell me about it girl! How long have you two been seeing each other? I thought it was cheaper to live together, does it push you guys over a backet or something?



We've been seeing each other for a little over a year...met in May of last year. The financial reasons have to do with our divorce settlements. (too long to go into) But also, for me, he's paying off some old debt from a failed business when the market crashed in 2008. That debt is all tied up with his ex-wife. I don't want to get into the middle of any of that via marriage. Also, my exH did not handle our money well and I'm much worse off for it now. If I hadn't mingled my money with his I'd be in a much better position right now. I should have paid better attention for sure so I can't blame him entirely, but it makes me not in a hurry to mingle my money with someone else's anytime soon. 

BF and I do talk about the future for sure and we'd love to live together. Due to my strange divorce settlement I can't sell my house until Jan 2023, after my youngest graduates from high school. At that time I will need to decide if I want to buy out my exH or just take my share of the profits and go buy something new. Either way, I've already decided I'm buying alone. If BF moves in with me he can pay me some rent but the house will be mine. My inheritance from my mother originally helped me buy this house so it's bad enough I have to buy out the ex, which is essentially giving him some of my inheritance...I don't want it tied up into someone else if I decide to keep it.

Sorry...probably more than you wanted to know but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I feel bad like feeling that way means I'm not committed to my BF but I can't shake a need to be financially independent. (He has zero issue with my feelings so it's not about that.)


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## Hiner112

> For you folks who've been divorced, how long did it take you to sort out what you wanted? Do you know for sure, now? Or are you just open if someone who knocks your socks off struts in?


Short version: For me, I'm 2 years out from the ex moving out and I don't know yet.

One of the reasons that I haven't pursued a date or relationship is because I'm not sure what it is I want. Besides single dates in high school, I've only had a serious long term relationship. I think it would be nice to have someone to do stuff with when I'm not with the kids but honestly that only leaves a couple days every other week. That's not much time to develop a relationship. If I don't want it to be serious, am I even capable of having a casual relationship since I've never had one? I created a Match profile after I had been separated a year and have rewritten it several times. It has never been unhidden. As for timing, next month will be two years since the ex moved out and 6 months since the divorce being final (and 21 years since we moved in together).


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I totally get it. For me, it's not about what he does/does not do, it's about my judgement. Do you think that it might be a little bit of that?


I think it's more of me being tired of feeling like I can't trust anyone to just simply be them self with no hidden agenda or secrets. I have no agenda or secrets and if I don't then it's sort of messed up for me to assume every single man I meet should be viewed with suspicion. Just tired of being on guard all the time.




> I'm struggling with this. Imo there are two choices: be jaded and always waiting for the other shoe to drop, or be at peace and trust myself enough to know I will always be ok, no matter what anyone does/ doesn't do.
> 
> Even though the choice is obvious, it is incredibly difficult to put into practice.


^^^^This. I know I'll always be ok, even if it hurts like hell for a while first if something goes wrong. I think I'm just done with this distrustful mindset, ready to throw it to the curb and feel lighter and freer. If things head south then things were going to head south anyway.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> Well, it’s only been five months, so maybe after a year you can start to relax more. currently he is most likely still on his best behavior. After a year, it would get harder for a man to keep up any kind of façade he may be presenting. I think it’s a good idea to always be on the lookout though, you don’t want to get complacent and allow those bad things to creep in. Narcissists can keep up their act for quite some time, before their real colors start to show. Once the love bombing ends, and they feel like they have you secured, that’s when they start to show you who they are. My ex-husband started to show his real self in probably the 2nd to 3rd year of our relationship. This is why the idea of going into a new relationship pretty much terrifies me. I am really hoping that I am able to pick up on flags now that I have been through so much.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree with everything you've said and I have had experiences that seem to point to me being a narcissist magnet but I can't help but feel that people in our position will then tend to punish men for the actions of others which then causes problems itself. I don't want that.

I know I've caused issue's with Tank that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my past experiences. Not fair to him and I got damn lucky he chose to hang around because he could certainly find someone else who'd make his life easier in that respect. It's that part that bothers me the most. A barrier is created. Being cautious is the smart thing to do but at the same time being cautious can produce some overly cautious behavior that's not very healthy and will scare men off. It's very difficult if not impossible to fully connect with someone if you feel that you aren't sure yet that you can trust them.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I think it's more of me being tired of feeling like I can't trust anyone to just simply be them self with no hidden agenda or secrets. I have no agenda or secrets and if I don't then it's sort of messed up for me to assume every single man I meet should be viewed with suspicion. Just tired of being on guard all the time.
> 
> ^^^^This. I know I'll always be ok, even if it hurts like hell for a while first if something goes wrong. I think I'm just done with this distrustful mindset, ready to throw it to the curb and feel lighter and freer. If things head south then things were going to head south anyway.


Here's the thing, regardless of what someone else does/doesn't do, you are still you. Everyone's scared of being hurt, so we walk around guarded by social masks. Even though I've been open with my feelings, my bf thinks I can run hot/cold, and after thinking about it for a bit I've concluded that's it's fear. Everything is so transactional .... you scratch my back, I scratch yours, you hurt me, I burn that mofo to the ground 😆. 

Here's the deal, someone is always going to have to pioneer through the unknown and risk it all, but since noone wants to get hurt, we pass each other like ships in the night, not really seeing what is there. How do you measure compatibility, if you're afraid to "mess things up" with someone you THINK you really like...Why do you even like someone if they're flying incognito too... b/c they're nice to look at? Super in the sack? How can anyone ever really KNOW you or love you and vice versa if both people are 'en guarde? 

I remember something my therapist said that really spoke to me after he had me read "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz. He said we start out pure and curious as children and learn to be afraid of pain and disappointment as we go through life, that colors everything in our relationships with other people. His aim was to get me to love myself again and overcome my fear of being seen, bc being authentic no matter what other people do/say/think is the key to find the connection and love I want so badly.

Forget about trusting anyone, darling. Love you and trust you. Now, I'm not advocating you go around like around f'ing idiot, mmmkkk? I've found deceitful people get worn down the more time they spend with you if you are open, their own dishonesty destroys them in some way, so just keep an eye out for signs of that. I totally understand how you feel, I have the same fears, but I've felt so much freer since I decided to gamble again. Are you feelin' lucky? 😆



Not said:


> I agree with everything you've said and I have had experiences that seem to point to me being a narcissist magnet but I can't help but feel that people in our position will then tend to punish men for the actions of others which then causes problems itself. I don't want that.
> 
> I know I've caused issue's with Tank that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my past experiences. Not fair to him and I got damn lucky he chose to hang around because he could certainly find someone else who'd make his life easier in that respect. It's that part that bothers me the most. A barrier is created. Being cautious is the smart thing to do but at the same time being cautious can produce some overly cautious behavior that's not very healthy and will scare men off. It's very difficult if not impossible to fully connect with someone if you feel that you aren't sure yet that you can trust them.


----------



## WandaJ

How do learn to trust yourself again, and the choices you make? What did you guys do?


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Thanks, though my reservations aren't financial at all. It's more the worry if we are ready, or we should wait. I know deep down I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I also fear if marrying her soon instead of later will negatively affect our dynamics. I've been through it all, and even as amicable as my divorce was it still shook me up somewhat. My daughter's inheritance will be secured sure, however, she also wants children of her own, so you know, parenting half-siblings... along with a lot of other things to consider.


How long have you been seeing each other? Long enough for the fresh bloom of infatuation to fall away? Do you live together and split chores and agreed on finances already?

Everything affects dynamics, marrying /marrying/asking, life is change. It used to be people got engaged and waited aren't while to get married, which is the perfect opportunity to see how someone changes under pressure and with security.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> How long have you been seeing each other? Long enough for the fresh bloom of infatuation to fall away? Do you live together and split chores and agreed on finances already?
> 
> Everything affects dynamics, marrying /marrying/asking, life is change. It used to be people got engaged and waited aren't while to get married, which is the perfect opportunity to see how someone changes under pressure and with security.


3 years, we live together, we contribute equally with finances/chores and have no arguments about it.

I never went through the engagement period with my ex, everything was rushed due to baby bells. However with how we are living now, is it worth taking the next step?


----------



## TXTrini

notmyjamie said:


> We've been seeing each other for a little over a year...met in May of last year. The financial reasons have to do with our divorce settlements. (too long to go into) But also, for me, he's paying off some old debt from a failed business when the market crashed in 2008. That debt is all tied up with his ex-wife. I don't want to get into the middle of any of that via marriage. Also, my exH did not handle our money well and I'm much worse off for it now. If I hadn't mingled my money with his I'd be in a much better position right now. I should have paid better attention for sure so I can't blame him entirely, but it makes me not in a hurry to mingle my money with someone else's anytime soon.
> 
> BF and I do talk about the future for sure and we'd love to live together. Due to my strange divorce settlement I can't sell my house until Jan 2023, after my youngest graduates from high school. At that time I will need to decide if I want to buy out my exH or just take my share of the profits and go buy something new. Either way, I've already decided I'm buying alone. If BF moves in with me he can pay me some rent but the house will be mine. My inheritance from my mother originally helped me buy this house so it's bad enough I have to buy out the ex, which is essentially giving him some of my inheritance...I don't want it tied up into someone else if I decide to keep it.
> 
> Sorry...probably more than you wanted to know but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I feel bad like feeling that way means I'm not committed to my BF but I can't shake a need to be financially independent. (He has zero issue with my feelings so it's not about that.)


No need to apologize, you explanation puts things into perspective. You guys are only one year in, I'm surprised you've discussed things in that much detail, you two must really get on! I totally get the need to push through obstacles first before you can even think of co-mingling lives, I'm in the process of that now. Kids really complicate things, hmm? Does your bf have kids too?

I don't fault you for wanting to keep things financially separate, my ex was also a spendthrift and philanderer, and I'm leery of relying on someone else to make good decisions. The stress of that is so extraordinary, I'm happy your bf understands your concerns. You know, I find it funny when men complain about not wanting to remarry bc of their fear of gold diggers when woman also have those concerns on top of being wary of becoming a household appliance to a man baby. That alone tells me many of them are not dating their equals or they are f*** bois, I keep an eye out for those and avoid them at all costs.


----------



## TXTrini

WandaJ said:


> How do learn to trust yourself again, and the choices you make? What did you guys do?


Girl, if I knew, I'd already have everything I want. I'm super emotional and sometimes impulsive, but analytical and logical and can really piss myself off when my lizard brain overrides my common sense.

It all comes down to control of your own actions/reactions to constantly changing circumstances. You make the best decision when you need to with the information you have right then, and you live with the fallout, no matter what that is. You can spend forever looking backwards, second guessing yourself or be afraid to act and lose sight of what you want for yourself and your ability to live in the moment.

I've done some really stupid things in my life (like serial killer fodder stupid), but who hasn’t? Ok, so I'm still alive and kicking, where there is life, there is hope and hopefully growth. 

Forgive yourself, do your best and forget the rest.


----------



## Hiner112

WandaJ said:


> How do learn to trust yourself again, and the choices you make? What did you guys do?


I don't really have anything constructive, sorry.

It is funny how much of a disconnect there can be between relationship decisions and other decisions. I've been making life decisions with little to no external input since my mid-teens (classes to take, college to go to, major to pursue, saving for college / retirement, etc for 25 years). Professionally, people I work with often come to me with the problems they don't know how to approach. On the relationship side, I have a year old dating profile I haven't decided how to fill out much less whom to "like".


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> 3 years, we live together, we contribute equally with finances/chores and have no arguments about it.
> 
> I never went through the engagement period with my ex, everything was rushed due to baby bells. However with how we are living now, is it worth taking the next step?


Ok, so you've seen each other's pecadillos by now and survived. You mentioned she wants children, how does she feel about having them out of wedlock and how loudly is her clock ticking?

Unpopular opinion alert: I personally believe kids are better off with married parents, simply bc it's harder to pick up and go when things gets a little rough, so there's more stability. Bear in mind, I grew up with divorced parents and never had/will have children, but just looking at the news, observing the actions of young people and reading about their family babckgrounds speaks volumes.

The best person to talk to is your gf. What do you really want? Only you can answer that one, boyo.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Ok, so you've seen each other's pecadillos by now and survived. You mentioned she wants children, how does she feel about having them out of wedlock and how loudly is her clock ticking?
> 
> Unpopular opinion alert: I personally believe kids are better off with married parents, simply bc it's harder to pick up and go when things gets a little rough, so there's more stability. Bear in mind, I grew up with divorced parents and never had/will have children, but just looking at the news, observing the actions of young people and reading about their family babckgrounds speaks volumes.
> 
> The best person to talk to is your gf. What do you really want? Only you can answer that one, boyo.


She wants marriage before children, and I do have some time, but I have exhausted pre-engagement progression so naturally without an engagement she may question my commitment to our future.

I'm still waiting to see if any skeletons fall out of the closet though


----------



## notmyjamie

TXTrini said:


> No need to apologize, you explanation puts things into perspective. You guys are only one year in, I'm surprised you've discussed things in that much detail, you two must really get on! I totally get the need to push through obstacles first before you can even think of co-mingling lives, I'm in the process of that now. Kids really complicate things, hmm? Does your bf have kids too?
> 
> I don't fault you for wanting to keep things financially separate, my ex was also a spendthrift and philanderer, and I'm leery of relying on someone else to make good decisions. The stress of that is so extraordinary, I'm happy your bf understands your concerns. You know, I find it funny when men complain about not wanting to remarry bc of their fear of gold diggers when woman also have those concerns on top of being wary of becoming a household appliance to a man baby. That alone tells me many of them are not dating their equals or they are f*** bois, I keep an eye out for those and avoid them at all costs.


Yes, BF has 3 kids. We haven't really spoken in that much detail to be honest. I've just said that I want to be financially independent from now on and he has no problem with that concept, he thinks it's a good idea for women to be that way. He doesn't take it as a sign of lack of commitment between a couple. We were more talking in the abstract about our futures, not so much as in our future together, if that makes any sense. 

I think men who have lost a lot of the assets in a divorce are going to worry about gold diggers and women who married deadbeats are going to worry about that in a future mate. There are some of both in this world unfortunately and each person usually thinks about things from their own vantage point. Just like I was very wary of finding another guy who was hiding his true sexuality. I think I avoided it...sure seems like it...things are like night and day in that regard so I really hope so!!! LOL


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Here's the thing, regardless of what someone else does/doesn't do, you are still you. Everyone's scared of being hurt, so we walk around guarded by social masks. Even though I've been open with my feelings, my bf thinks I can run hot/cold, and after thinking about it for a bit I've concluded that's it's fear. Everything is so transactional .... you scratch my back, I scratch yours, you hurt me, I burn that mofo to the ground 😆.
> 
> Here's the deal, someone is always going to have to pioneer through the unknown and risk it all, but since noone wants to get hurt, we pass each other like ships in the night, not really seeing what is there. How do you measure compatibility, if you're afraid to "mess things up" with someone you THINK you really like...Why do you even like someone if they're flying incognito too... b/c they're nice to look at? Super in the sack? How can anyone ever really KNOW you or love you and vice versa if both people are 'en guarde?
> 
> I remember something my therapist said that really spoke to me after he had me read "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz. He said we start out pure and curious as children and learn to be afraid of pain and disappointment as we go through life, that colors everything in our relationships with other people. His aim was to get me to love myself again and overcome my fear of being seen, bc being authentic no matter what other people do/say/think is the key to find the connection and love I want so badly.
> 
> Forget about trusting anyone, darling. Love you and trust you. Now, I'm not advocating you go around like around f'ing idiot, mmmkkk? I've found deceitful people get worn down the more time they spend with you if you are open, their own dishonesty destroys them in some way, so just keep an eye out for signs of that. I totally understand how you feel, I have the same fears, but I've felt so much freer since I decided to gamble again. Are you feelin' lucky? 😆


Yes, yes and yes to all of that. You pretty much listed out everything I've been thinking about. It _is_ fear. I had a breakdown almost two years ago, just too much stress for too long. It finally got me. I have a ton of fear about going through another breakdown, little stressors sometimes bring some of the symptoms back and that keeps the fear alive. I worry that a painful breakup will send me right back to that place. So I have that on top of the usual trust issues that stem from the fear of exposing myself. I am a chicken.

BUT....it's like a vicious self feeding circle that'll never end and I need to jump off this ride now. My fear of losing it is making me lose it lol! My fear of being hurt, hurts. Stupid, stupid stupid. I'm doing it all to myself and I think I'm done now.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

@Not my friend, perhaps it is doubt that you have not become friendly enough with yet. Doubt should be looked as a friend that says "come and see the truth (have clarity)" and not as a burdensome challenge.

If we look for hurdles around every corner our journey in happiness is delayed, why not spend a moment and think about these "flags" you are looking for... are they the same flag or are they different? It takes effort sometimes to know the difference as many flags may seem different but branch from the same root.

When we stay angry or disappointed from our hurt, those emotions breed the mistrust and chain us instead of being able to say "boy that was a hard one", give a smile of recognition and continue walking with healthy awareness... more or less a boundary we have with ourselves that is observant and kind in understanding that our fears came from hard experiences and are there to show us that we will be ok if we realize that too many minds of old truths that no longer truly exist (worrying about being disappointed, hurt, deceived, devalued) confuse the good truths in our life.

_I removed a line because I want to talk more about it in a separate post_


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> She wants marriage before children, and I do have some time, but I have exhausted pre-engagement progression so naturally without an engagement she may question my commitment to our future.
> 
> I'm still waiting to see if any skeletons fall out of the closet though


Sometimes skeletons take years ... I had a 19+ yr wait. Maybe quietly run a few checks on her and never breathe a word of it?


----------



## TXTrini

notmyjamie said:


> Yes, BF has 3 kids. We haven't really spoken in that much detail to be honest. I've just said that I want to be financially independent from now on and he has no problem with that concept, he thinks it's a good idea for women to be that way. He doesn't take it as a sign of lack of commitment between a couple. We were more talking in the abstract about our futures, not so much as in our future together, if that makes any sense.
> 
> I think men who have lost a lot of the assets in a divorce are going to worry about gold diggers and women who married deadbeats are going to worry about that in a future mate. There are some of both in this world unfortunately and each person usually thinks about things from their own vantage point. Just like I was very wary of finding another guy who was hiding his true sexuality. I think I avoided it...sure seems like it...things are like night and day in that regard so I really hope so!!! LOL


Ah, gotcha. Bf's been feeling me out for the same, though I'm observing and letting him talk, I'm not much of a questions/response person unless I really want to know something right then. It's really different building a life with someone later on life, combining households and families, instead of fresh and new, for sure.

I truly empathize with men who've been unfairly short-changed. Many men still have the idea that women are responsible for everything at home but must still pull their weight financially, and it just doesn't work that way. That's what I'm leery of, more so than a deadbeat, b/c if I am supporting myself fully, I'll be assed if I'm going to do everything too, I'd be better off living alone and meeting for couples time.

Girl, I can't imagine how you must have felt discovering that. I actually thought my ex was getting popped by his best friend at one point and asked him baldfaced to confirm it before I found out the details of his shenanigans.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Yes, yes and yes to all of that. You pretty much listed out everything I've been thinking about. It _is_ fear. I had a breakdown almost two years ago, just too much stress for too long. It finally got me. I have a ton of fear about going through another breakdown, little stressors sometimes bring some of the symptoms back and that keeps the fear alive. I worry that a painful breakup will send me right back to that place. So I have that on top of the usual trust issues that stem from the fear of exposing myself. I am a chicken.
> 
> BUT....it's like a vicious self feeding circle that'll never end and I need to jump off this ride now. My fear of losing it is making me lose it lol! My fear of being hurt, hurts. Stupid, stupid stupid. I'm doing it all to myself and I think I'm done now.


Girl, I get it, I really do, you sound like me. I totally understand the vicious cycle and triggers. I never recognized my anxiety was rooted in fear/stress and I feel like an idiot too, but we're only human. I tried to cut and run a few weeks ago, b/c I was at my mental breaking point with cumulative stress. People are always surprised to discover how anxious, impatient, and squirrel brained I can be, b/c I "seem" calm, collected, and logical to a fault. What I've found helpful for me was pre-emptive self-care and stress management. 

My therapist had me read "The Four Agreements" a few times b/c I'm pig-headed about things  . Another one I found enlightening was "10% Happier" by Dan Harris - a man who also had the same kind of anxious mental chatter much like myself. He LOST it on national TV one day and had to rework himself mentally. I need to get back to reading it, I thought it was very helpful in working through my disdainful excuses for not meditating, b/c his mind kept straying like mine always does to really random thoughts.

Meditation and mindfulness have truly helped me to release tension, though I have to say, lots of sex blows off steam really well too  . Anyway, it doesn't have to be for long periods of time, just 1-3 minutes, breathe in and focus on the in-breath and out-breath, 5 times, 10 times, etc, as much as you need to clear your mind. The first time I was able to push away the mental chatter and really do it, I was amazed at how mentally focused and lighter I felt. I need to practice that more often, I've been so stressed out, my back and neck are stiff as a board. I've also found that immediately after I do that, yoga and stretching are so much more effective.

I know it might take some time to get used to the idea, before you actually do it if you're anything like me, but when you do, let me know how it works out for you. I truly hope it helps.


----------



## Not

Emerging Buddhist said:


> @Not my friend, perhaps it is doubt that you have not become friendly enough with yet. Doubt should be looked as a friend that says "come and see the truth (have clarity)" and not as a burdensome challenge.
> 
> If we look for hurdles around every corner our journey in happiness is delayed, why not spend a moment and think about these "flags" you are looking for... are they the same flag or are they different? It takes effort sometimes to know the difference as many flags may seem different but branch from the same root.


Thanks EB. I like that view of doubt, it's a healthy balanced view point. I think, for me, it's become an issue of being stuck in a mindset where I'm actively watching for hurdles, doubting everything, instead of allowing the hurdles to simply appear on their own. If that makes sense. So always on guard, always pouring energy into the "surveillance" , not a fun way to live.




> When we stay angry or disappointed from our hurt, those emotions breed the mistrust and chain us instead of being able to say "boy that was a hard one", give a smile of recognition and continue walking with healthy awareness... more or less a boundary we have with ourselves that is observant and kind in understanding that our fears came from hard experiences and are there to show us that we will be ok if we realize that too many minds of old truths that no longer truly exist (worrying about being disappointed, hurt, deceived, devalued) confuse the good truths in our life.


Yes, I've been taking this class for the last couple of years! The lessons take quite some time to sink in. I've made it through just find so far, it's sucked really bad but I made it lol! The hard part is the kicks to the gut that you don't see coming and the very real, very intense affects. But like broken bones, broken hearts/minds do mend. It's just the recovery period that's so hard and that's what I've been fighting so hard to avoid. I need a break from those recovery periods and the only way to do that is to not get to that point to begin with, hence the vigilance.

_



I removed a line because I want to talk more about it in a separate post

Click to expand...

_I saw what you wrote before you removed it and I smiled at the accuracy, so true. I'm experiencing exactly that right now with Tank. A barrier is there because of me being on guard.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Sometimes skeletons take years ... I had a 19+ yr wait. Maybe quietly run a few checks on her and never breathe a word of it?


Heh yeah 19+ yrs isn't an option, already did a few checks throughout our relationship, she checks out. She's perfect as she is now, but you know the whole bait and switch...
Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it's hard to get over the fear, I've seen divorce twice already, my own parents, and then my ex. I may not survive a third one.

But will see how it goes...


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Heh yeah 19+ yrs isn't an option, already did a few checks throughout our relationship, she checks out. She's perfect as she is now, but you know the whole bait and switch...
> Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it's hard to get over the fear, I've seen divorce twice already, my own parents, and then my ex. I may not survive a third one.
> 
> But will see how it goes...


Everything is always perfect until it isn't, can't do much about it but adapt/adjust. I get it, I've been divorced twice and am questioning everything too. However, you said your gf has never been married and wants marriage before kids. Although you're afraid, she has hopes and dreams for her life, so it's not all about you. Both your concerns are valid, so it's **** or get off the pot time, my friend. If your dreams are not compatible, it's time to let her go to realize hers. One of you has to comprise if you opt to remain together, and eventually the "loser" will resent the "winner".


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Everything is always perfect until it isn't, can't do much about it but adapt/adjust. I get it, I've been divorced twice and am questioning everything too. However, you said your gf has never been married and wants marriage before kids. Although you're afraid, she has hopes and dreams for her life, so it's not all about you. Both your concerns are valid, so it's **** or get off the pot time, my friend. If your dreams are not compatible, it's time to let her go to realize hers. One of you has to comprise if you opt to remain together, and eventually the "loser" will resent the "winner".


Well, guess if there's anyone I would take the risk for, it's her.  Time will tell


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Well, guess if there's anyone I would take the risk for, it's her.  Time will tell


Well boy, it's like Forrest Gump said, "life is like a bunch of chocolates, never know which one you gonna get." Are you willing to chomp a few turds to get to your favorite flavor? I was watching "Adam ruins everything" yesterday, he did one on marriage. Feelings change (4 stages o love), priorities change as life and circumstances change. Sometimes even people change: either as masks fall, as a response to "life" or with growth.

Can you say you're the same person after your daughter came along? Divorce is available to be used if you find yourself in a bad marriage, though noone hopes to do it. I feel very similarly to you, doubting I can survive another divorce. It will still be super disruptive if you live together and have kids. Maybe I'm too much of a cynic, but I'm becoming more certain that romantic love is finite and the marriages of earlier generations were a combination of facades and fear of social ostracism of being a divorced person.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Not said:


> I saw what you wrote before you removed it and I smiled at the accuracy, so true. I'm experiencing exactly that right now with Tank. A barrier is there because of me being on guard.


So let's talk about that barrier a minute... you know that is choice, right?

It is so easy to turn emotions into thoughts, and then follow those thoughts into actions... and being on guard is an action, is it not? The wrong attachment to the past hurts when there is really no fertile ground in the present yet we find a way to connect it either in awareness or we are unaware.

If we are aware, it is because we are still wanting a meaning to explain why we lived the way we did for and have an expectation we deserve to know why it went so unresolved for so long.

If we really think we were unaware, I wonder if we are being truthful with ourselves because often there is no unaware, just our desire in wanting to see something different than what is really there ( desire for a kind spouse, a trusting relationship free of unhealthy motives (games), healthy selfless love.

We are always with emotions... there is a lot of "learned" in us that will either build bridges or walls that we use daily and it is up to us to know (yes, that awareness state again) with kindness and compassion for ourselves to say "wait a minute, why am I doing this?" without judgement of why it is happening because with judgement we have conditioned negativity, and nothing shoots us down faster than looking at ourselves poorly about something we are suffering through.

Every now and then, AC will say or do something that reminds me sharply about a similar scenario in the past that my ex did that brought hurt and suffering. Did you notice I said "similar"? I use that word because while the thought tied to it is truly similar (ie. wanting to know where I am, asking why I am doing something a certain way), the outcome is far different. It's far to easy to get wrapped up in our own story of protection and guarded ways, as my ex used my examples as measures of control and AC's is in a very kind and loving way because she wants my presence and to be together and it is my responsibility to recognize that the past is just that, the past and the present is just that... free of the past.

So the responsibility in recognizing choice is a good first step and keeps emotions in alignment as thoughts begin because if you are going to form thoughts, form good ones.

I know how hard this is when emotions can still be raw. In many ways I prepared myself for the truth of hurt for over a decade before my divorce, my ex constantly told me I needed to work on myself, my path was not hers, fix myself before offering any advice... I practiced how those raw emotions of feeling unliked, without respect, unloved, disappointing, and disposable affected my actions far more than I realistically cared because by getting my hands dirty it built kindness and trust in my actions though the most difficult of times so when the time came and the marriage ended at her desire, it came to trusting the process on a stormy Pacific beach as I let go of much of my hurt the weekend my divorce was to be finalized.

Your beach begins with smiling at your barriers and not looking at it like vigilance... that is a word like "guard duty" and makes it seem protective like a wall. Think of it more as sitting on the top of a hill with all the busyness fluttering around you and choose one busy thing that seems to annoy you and gets in your way and think about it in a kind way. Sure, it hurt awhile ago but today it is just something that flutters between and sometimes blocks your view of what happiness is meant to be seen. Think about it and focus on if it has a place in your life, draw in a breath with that thought, hold it, and then release your breath slowly as you realize that in that last moment, that hurt, resentment, bad feeling had no more place in you in than that expelled breath did, buffered with kindness.

Do this a few times each time that emotion blocks your view of peace, train your heart and mind to take those emotions, prepare them for thought, and then release them in heathy actions loving yourself more... I guarantee you those actions as they hit the water will ripple out to the ones you care about.

Namaste my friend.


----------



## misschris85

Hello. Just recently joined TAM and TXTrini told me about this particular forum. Read through some posts and some of them resonate with me.

Are any of you dating during this covid period? I tried some online dating apps but it is a little overwhelming. Besides, I am not keen on trying to meet people in person since I need to be careful.

I am also somewhat of an introvert so making the first move is not exactly easy for me. I am also not very experienced in dating. I have only ever dated my ex husband.

I am trying to work on rebuilding my confidence and self esteem. I have insecurities from the issues I had with my ex but also never really felt like the person guys gravitated towards except as friends.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Well boy, it's like Forrest Gump said, "life is like a bunch of chocolates, never know which one you gonna get." Are you willing to chomp a few turds to get to your favorite flavor? I was watching "Adam ruins everything" yesterday, he did one on marriage. Feelings change (4 stages o love), priorities change as life and circumstances change. Sometimes even people change: either as masks fall, as a response to "life" or with growth.
> 
> Can you say you're the same person after your daughter came along? Divorce is available to be used if you find yourself in a bad marriage, though noone hopes to do it. I feel very similarly to you, doubting I can survive another divorce. It will still be super disruptive if you live together and have kids. Maybe I'm too much of a cynic, but I'm becoming more certain that romantic love is finite and the marriages of earlier generations were a combination of facades and fear of social ostracism of being a divorced person.


Heh I've found my favorite flavor, just hope I don't die from it 🤣 

You're right though - as we never know what may happen.


----------



## RebuildingMe

misschris85 said:


> Hello. Just recently joined TAM and TXTrini told me about this particular forum. Read through some posts and some of them resonate with me.
> 
> Are any of you dating during this covid period? I tried some online dating apps but it is a little overwhelming. Besides, I am not keen on trying to meet people in person since I need to be careful.
> 
> I am also somewhat of an introvert so making the first move is not exactly easy for me. I am also not very experienced in dating. I have only ever dated my ex husband.
> 
> I am trying to work on rebuilding my confidence and self esteem. I have insecurities from the issues I had with my ex but also never really felt like the person guys gravitated towards except as friends.


Welcome. I will say if you are not keen on meeting people in person, stay off the dating apps. There is nothing worse then spending weeks talking to someone only to find out they are Covid scared. If you truly feel that way, back away until you feel safe. It not only helps you, but it helps the rest of the dating community that wants to forge ahead.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Welcome. I will say if you are not keen on meeting people in person, stay off the dating apps. There is nothing worse then spending weeks talking to someone only to find out they are Covid scared. If you truly feel that way, back away until you feel safe. It not only helps you, but it helps the rest of the dating community that wants to forge ahead.


Don't be such a hard ass, man. There's all sorts on "the apps" including people who will suit misschris85, obviously that's not you.

Don't be put off by this old grump, chick. Have fun, be upfront and be yourself. Men who don't dig you can mosley along on.


----------



## misschris85

RebuildingMe said:


> Welcome. I will say if you are not keen on meeting people in person, stay off the dating apps. There is nothing worse then spending weeks talking to someone only to find out they are Covid scared. If you truly feel that way, back away until you feel safe. It not only helps you, but it helps the rest of the dating community that wants to forge ahead.


Yes, I have stopped being on the apps at least for now. I even stopped talking to one of the guys I very briefly dated only because I was finding it difficult to sustain or build a rapport when we could not see or spend time with each other in person. And, as you mentioned, it didn’t seem fair to him (even if he said he was willing to wait)


----------



## misschris85

TXTrini said:


> Don't be such a hard ass, man. There's all sorts on "the apps" including people who will suit misschris85, obviously that's not you.
> 
> Don't be put off by this old grump, chick. Have fun, be upfront and be yourself. Men who don't dig you can mosley along on.


It’s all good. 😁 my short stint on them of a few months have not exactly been the best. Like some of you have said before, there are a lot of people looking to just hook up (which I am not interested in) and it definitely takes time to sort through those who are looking for something real. 

I haven’t given up on it entirely and will probably go back on them in a few months when covid is more under control (hopefully). Have also told friends as well to keep their eye out for anyone they think might be suitable for me that they know. 

In the meantime, just going to focus on trying to get over insecurities and building self esteem as best I can during this time.


----------



## RebuildingMe

misschris85 said:


> Yes, I have stopped being on the apps at least for now. I even stopped talking to one of the guys I very briefly dated only because I was finding it difficult to sustain or build a rapport when we could not see or spend time with each other in person. And, as you mentioned, it didn’t seem fair to him (even if he said he was willing to wait)


Contrary to popular belief, most guys on the dating apps want to meet. Texts and video chats aren’t going to cut it. I’m just being real with you.


----------



## misschris85

And I g


RebuildingMe said:


> Contrary to popular belief, most guys on the dating apps want to meet. Texts and video chats aren’t going to cut it. I’m just being real with you.



And, text and video chat doesn’t work out for me either. 😁 
I’m not trying to rush into anything. Divorce was finalized about 10 months ago (after being together for 12 years, 5 of which was married) which was not that long ago.


----------



## TXTrini

misschris85 said:


> It’s all good. 😁 my short stint on them of a few months have not exactly been the best. Like some of you have said before, there are a lot of people looking to just hook up (which I am not interested in) and it definitely takes time to sort through those who are looking for something real.
> 
> I haven’t given up on it entirely and will probably go back on them in a few months when covid is more under control (hopefully). Have also told friends as well to keep their eye out for anyone they think might be suitable for me that they know.
> 
> In the meantime, just going to focus on trying to get over insecurities and building self esteem as best I can during this time.


I didn't want you to get frightened off immediately, it's hard to expose yourself when you're already feeling insecure -at least for me. I was a wee bit protective of you, but you're a big girl and can handle yourself amongst the wolves. 

Welcome to the jungle!


----------



## misschris85

TXTrini said:


> I didn't want you to get frightened off immediately, it's hard to expose yourself when you're already feeling insecure -at least for me. I was a wee bit protective of you, but you're a big girl and can handle yourself amongst the wolves.
> 
> Welcome to the jungle!


Thanks txtrini. I appreciate it. 
Definitely a work in progress. I just need to learn to focus on the small steps of progress I make and not focus on the bigger picture (or future yet). 

I read another post from someone else that resonated with me too. They were killing it at work and people see their help. And yet, when it comes to their personal life, they are not as confident. That is me to a T. I am doing amazing at work, outgoing and outspoken and someone people seek out when they need assistance. My personal life is the opposite so I am trying to take some of that confidence and have that seep or translate into my personal life but have not figured out how.


----------



## WandaJ

Emerging Buddhist said:


> So let's talk about that barrier a minute... you know that is choice, right?
> 
> It is so easy to turn emotions into thoughts, and then follow those thoughts into actions... and being on guard is an action, is it not? The wrong attachment to the past hurts when there is really no fertile ground in the present yet we find a way to connect it either in awareness or we are unaware.
> 
> If we are aware, it is because we are still wanting a meaning to explain why we lived the way we did for and have an expectation we deserve to know why it went so unresolved for so long.
> 
> If we really think we were unaware, I wonder if we are being truthful with ourselves because often there is no unaware, just our desire in wanting to see something different than what is really there ( desire for a kind spouse, a trusting relationship free of unhealthy motives (games), healthy selfless love.
> 
> We are always with emotions... there is a lot of "learned" in us that will either build bridges or walls that we use daily and it is up to us to know (yes, that awareness state again) with kindness and compassion for ourselves to say "wait a minute, why am I doing this?" without judgement of why it is happening because with judgement we have conditioned negativity, and nothing shoots us down faster than looking at ourselves poorly about something we are suffering through.
> 
> Every now and then, AC will say or do something that reminds me sharply about a similar scenario in the past that my ex did that brought hurt and suffering. Did you notice I said "similar"? I use that word because while the thought tied to it is truly similar (ie. wanting to know where I am, asking why I am doing something a certain way), the outcome is far different. It's far to easy to get wrapped up in our own story of protection and guarded ways, as my ex used my examples as measures of control and AC's is in a very kind and loving way because she wants my presence and to be together and it is my responsibility to recognize that the past is just that, the past and the present is just that... free of the past.
> 
> So the responsibility in recognizing choice is a good first step and keeps emotions in alignment as thoughts begin because if you are going to form thoughts, form good ones.
> 
> I know how hard this is when emotions can still be raw. In many ways I prepared myself for the truth of hurt for over a decade before my divorce, my ex constantly told me I needed to work on myself, my path was not hers, fix myself before offering any advice... I practiced how those raw emotions of feeling unliked, without respect, unloved, disappointing, and disposable affected my actions far more than I realistically cared because by getting my hands dirty it built kindness and trust in my actions though the most difficult of times so when the time came and the marriage ended at her desire, it came to trusting the process on a stormy Pacific beach as I let go of much of my hurt the weekend my divorce was to be finalized.
> 
> Your beach begins with smiling at your barriers and not looking at it like vigilance... that is a word like "guard duty" and makes it seem protective like a wall. Think of it more as sitting on the top of a hill with all the busyness fluttering around you and choose one busy thing that seems to annoy you and gets in your way and think about it in a kind way. Sure, it hurt awhile ago but today it is just something that flutters between and sometimes blocks your view of what happiness is meant to be seen. Think about it and focus on if it has a place in your life, draw in a breath with that thought, hold it, and then release your breath slowly as you realize that in that last moment, that hurt, resentment, bad feeling had no more place in you in than that expelled breath did, buffered with kindness.
> 
> Do this a few times each time that emotion blocks your view of peace, train your heart and mind to take those emotions, prepare them for thought, and then release them in heathy actions loving yourself more... I guarantee you those actions as they hit the water will ripple out to the ones you care about.
> 
> Namaste my friend.


Thank you @Emerging Buddhist for this excellent post. These are the thought that some of us, bruised from past reletionship, really need to move forward. I allowed myself to copy this post into my secret journal so I always have it handy. I hope you don't mind?


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> I didn't want you to get frightened off immediately, it's hard to expose yourself when you're already feeling insecure -at least for me. I was a wee bit protective of you, but you're a big girl and can handle yourself amongst the wolves.
> 
> Welcome to the jungle!


Your posts to misschris85 in the intro thread warmed my heart. ugh.. I know I'm being mushy. And, there's no wine involved.! But really, there was such a sense of welcoming and understanding in your posts. What a sweetheart you are.


----------



## Not

Emerging Buddhist said:


> So let's talk about that barrier a minute... you know that is choice, right?
> 
> It is so easy to turn emotions into thoughts, and then follow those thoughts into actions... and being on guard is an action, is it not? The wrong attachment to the past hurts when there is really no fertile ground in the present yet we find a way to connect it either in awareness or we are unaware.
> 
> If we are aware, it is because we are still wanting a meaning to explain why we lived the way we did for and have an expectation we deserve to know why it went so unresolved for so long.
> 
> If we really think we were unaware, I wonder if we are being truthful with ourselves because often there is no unaware, just our desire in wanting to see something different than what is really there ( desire for a kind spouse, a trusting relationship free of unhealthy motives (games), healthy selfless love.
> 
> We are always with emotions... there is a lot of "learned" in us that will either build bridges or walls that we use daily and it is up to us to know (yes, that awareness state again) with kindness and compassion for ourselves to say "wait a minute, why am I doing this?" without judgement of why it is happening because with judgement we have conditioned negativity, and nothing shoots us down faster than looking at ourselves poorly about something we are suffering through.
> 
> Every now and then, AC will say or do something that reminds me sharply about a similar scenario in the past that my ex did that brought hurt and suffering. Did you notice I said "similar"? I use that word because while the thought tied to it is truly similar (ie. wanting to know where I am, asking why I am doing something a certain way), the outcome is far different. It's far to easy to get wrapped up in our own story of protection and guarded ways, as my ex used my examples as measures of control and AC's is in a very kind and loving way because she wants my presence and to be together and it is my responsibility to recognize that the past is just that, the past and the present is just that... free of the past.
> 
> So the responsibility in recognizing choice is a good first step and keeps emotions in alignment as thoughts begin because if you are going to form thoughts, form good ones.
> 
> I know how hard this is when emotions can still be raw. In many ways I prepared myself for the truth of hurt for over a decade before my divorce, my ex constantly told me I needed to work on myself, my path was not hers, fix myself before offering any advice... I practiced how those raw emotions of feeling unliked, without respect, unloved, disappointing, and disposable affected my actions far more than I realistically cared because by getting my hands dirty it built kindness and trust in my actions though the most difficult of times so when the time came and the marriage ended at her desire, it came to trusting the process on a stormy Pacific beach as I let go of much of my hurt the weekend my divorce was to be finalized.
> 
> Your beach begins with smiling at your barriers and not looking at it like vigilance... that is a word like "guard duty" and makes it seem protective like a wall. Think of it more as sitting on the top of a hill with all the busyness fluttering around you and choose one busy thing that seems to annoy you and gets in your way and think about it in a kind way. Sure, it hurt awhile ago but today it is just something that flutters between and sometimes blocks your view of what happiness is meant to be seen. Think about it and focus on if it has a place in your life, draw in a breath with that thought, hold it, and then release your breath slowly as you realize that in that last moment, that hurt, resentment, bad feeling had no more place in you in than that expelled breath did, buffered with kindness.
> 
> Do this a few times each time that emotion blocks your view of peace, train your heart and mind to take those emotions, prepare them for thought, and then release them in heathy actions loving yourself more... I guarantee you those actions as they hit the water will ripple out to the ones you care about.
> 
> Namaste my friend.


Thank you for your time EB, much appreciated. Tank and I have talked since you wrote this, this is one of the things I like most about him. He communicates! Our talk touched on a lot of what you mention here. He told me he's also been dealing with some baggage he's been trying not to project onto me and it hasn't been easy for him. 

So he and I are both wearing the same shoes which actually makes this so much easier because we can talk about it and look at it even though we can't make it just magically disappear. But we're both aware of the walls we're each holding up and we both want those walls gone but we both know it's not going to be instantaneous so we both know to cut each other lots of slack in regards to specific issues.

He's terrified I'm going to change after about a year. That I'm going to present this wonderful sweet facade to lure him in, like the present is just to good to be true, can't be true and it's going to go up in flames later. His last girlfriend really did a number on him. BUT he's aware that he's doing this which is good! And now I'm aware of this fear he has which is good! He's known about my issues from the start, I hid nothing.

Our talk turned to how long does it take to really get to know someone. So that's where we are, both of us looking at whether or not we can trust that each of us is being honest and genuine right now. We're both a little untrusting but both of us want to trust so very good!

This man is awesome!


----------



## notmyjamie

Not said:


> Our talk turned to how long does it take to really get to know someone. So that's where we are, both of us looking at whether or not we can trust that each of us is being honest and genuine right now. We're both a little untrusting but both of us want to trust so very good!
> 
> This man is awesome!


This is a very good question. I have been with my BF for over a year now. I'm noticing some differences in our relationship as we're getting more comfortable with things and we've fallen into a routine of life together. These are not necessarily bad things mind you but I have noticed. I'm wondering how much more I will notice over time. So far I'm good with all the changes...to me they've shown we're more secure with each other and feel comfortable showing each other our true selves. He does some things that bug me but I'm sure I do some things that bug him...so far they are things we can live with pretty easily. He asked me to name something once and I did and he said "well, I've been told that all my life and tried to change it and haven't succeeded yet so if you want to be with me, you're gonna have to be able to live with it" and thankfully, I can. I didn't ask him about me but he volunteered that he can live with mine too. And that's what it comes down to...but it does take some time for some of those things to reveal themselves.


----------



## RebuildingMe

notmyjamie said:


> This is a very good question. I have been with my BF for over a year now. I'm noticing some differences in our relationship as we're getting more comfortable with things and we've fallen into a routine of life together. These are not necessarily bad things mind you but I haven't noticed. I'm wondering how much more I will notice over time. So far I'm good with all the changes...to me they've shown we're more secure with each other and feel comfortable showing each other our true selves. He does some things that bug me but I'm sure I do some things that bug him...so far they are things we can live with pretty easily. He asked me to name something once and I did and he said "well, I've been told that all my life and tried to change it and haven't succeeded yet so if you want to be with me, you're gonna have to be able to live with it" and thankfully, I can. I didn't ask him about me but he volunteered that he can live with mine too. And that's what it comes down to...but it does take some time for some of those things to reveal themselves.


I think that was a very honest response from him. I’m glad, whatever it was, is not a dealbreaker for you. I was asked recently about something I do. Mind you, I am only 3 months into my relationship. I had a similar response as your bf did. I do try to change, I’m successful at times, but there are some things about me that will just never change. I’m comfortable with that. If she is too, and we are upfront, then so be it.

I think the singles here at TAM are much more in touch with themselves and their feelings. They are also much more in touch with the feelings of the opposite gender, or at least they should be if they read here. I wonder if a single TAM member dated another single TAM member, would it be any different? Would the chances of success be any higher? Considering how we are forever ‘working on ourselves’ and all of that. Would it make a difference in the real world of dating?


----------



## 2&out

Reading this recent stuff just reinforces to me that going forward I'm meant to be single. This relationship introspection, analysis, and "discussions" sounds just awful to me.


----------



## Not

notmyjamie said:


> This is a very good question. I have been with my BF for over a year now. I'm noticing some differences in our relationship as we're getting more comfortable with things and we've fallen into a routine of life together. These are not necessarily bad things mind you but I haven't noticed. I'm wondering how much more I will notice over time. So far I'm good with all the changes...to me they've shown we're more secure with each other and feel comfortable showing each other our true selves. He does some things that bug me but I'm sure I do some things that bug him...so far they are things we can live with pretty easily. He asked me to name something once and I did and he said "well, I've been told that all my life and tried to change it and haven't succeeded yet so if you want to be with me, you're gonna have to be able to live with it" and thankfully, I can. I didn't ask him about me but he volunteered that he can live with mine too. And that's what it comes down to...but it does take some time for some of those things to reveal themselves.


I think so too, that it just takes time and that's something Tank and I covered during our talk as well. We'll be learning a lot about each other as time passes and various situations and scenarios pop up. 

I also mentioned to him that I think everyone has a basic nature and that nature is very easy to see from the beginning, it's what fuels our personalities and determines our behavior and reveals our intentions. That's what I look for/at, it's what matters the most and everything else is small beans that can be worked on together. It's what either attracts or repels in the beginning, at least for me.

With my exBF from last summer there were all kinds of little red flags right away that blurred my abililty to pick up on his basic nature. I should have walked away much earlier than I did but I'm cutting myself some slack for trying to be open minded with him lol! I'm so glad I met him though because he has been exactly what I need now to see the contrast between someone like him and my current BF. The differences between the cues and signals from each man are just huge.

I think, as long as there are no red flags in the first several months, that we can know someone pretty well after say six months or so. The rest of the learning about each other is filling in the blanks, little quirks or habits that may not be obvious or appear right away. And I think for us older people this part of the process is much easier than it would be for younger ones. We've already been around the block and know the drill, what matters and what doesn't, ultimately.


----------



## Not

2&out said:


> Reading this recent stuff just reinforces to me that going forward I'm meant to be single. This relationship introspection, analysis, and "discussions" sounds just awful to me.


I've always been the philosophical type who's also interested in psychology so I actually enjoy this stuff! I like to try to figure out how and why people do what they do, including myself.


----------



## notmyjamie

2&out said:


> Reading this recent stuff just reinforces to me that going forward I'm meant to be single. This relationship introspection, analysis, and "discussions" sounds just awful to me.


LOL...well, in my defense, the conversation I mentioned was a quick, off the cuff one that we mostly laughed through. We don't spend a lot of time being "deep" but when people mention things here it makes me think more critically of those moments.


----------



## TXTrini

heartsbeating said:


> Your posts to misschris85 in the intro thread warmed my heart. ugh.. I know I'm being mushy. And, there's no wine involved.! But really, there was such a sense of welcoming and understanding in your posts. What a sweetheart you are.


Aww shucks. It's most kind of you to say that, I just remembered how I felt when I was the new kid on the block and it wasn't real fun. I nearly didn't come back.


----------



## Lila

Tonight is going to be a test for my boyfriend. I'm taking him salsa dancing but not to a "formal" ballroom event (he was cool with that). We're going to a latin club. Go ethnic or go home baby! I'll be surprised if he hears one word of English the whole night 😁. If he can handle that then he can definitely handle anything else ethnic (cough*family*cough) i throw at him. Wish me luck.


----------



## minimalME

@Lila, it makes me so happy that you're happy. 😙


----------



## WandaJ

Lila said:


> Tonight is going to be a test for my boyfriend. I'm taking him salsa dancing but not to a "formal" ballroom event (he was cool with that). We're going to a latin club. Go ethnic or go home baby! I'll be surprised if he hears one word of English the whole night 😁. If he can handle that then he can definitely handle anything else ethnic (cough*family*cough) i throw at him. Wish me luck.


He will have fun in there, I’m sure. By accident we ended up once in latino dance club for our girls night out and it was awesome!


----------



## Not

Friday afternoon I received a text from someone wanting to know if she can talk to me about someone she met online, someone she thinks I may have dated last summer. It had to be B and she had to have been picking up on weird vibes from him, I knew instantly. It was him, she's been dating him for a month.

For those who don't know, B is someone I dated for a few months last summer, it was a disaster. This guy's credit was shot before I met him but he hid it. He was living in a room at a buddies house (and not paying his alcoholic extremely lonely buddy any of the rent he agreed to pay monthly) while he waited to get his divorce settlement so he could buy the house he never planned on buying. He's looking for a woman to move in with.

His sixty thousand dollar truck got repo'd in July and I loaned him the money to get it back. Like a dumbarse I believed the story he told about how it came to be and of course it wasn't his fault. He promised to repay me when he got his divorce settlement which was right about $50K I believe. I broke up with him two weeks later because of the nude pics of his exwife he was planning to use to black mail her to get the wedding ring back. Couldn't make this stuff up if I tried! Needless to say, he didn't want to pay me back after the breakup and I wound up having to sue him three months later to get him to pay me. Oh, but he did buy a corvette, snow mobile and trailer, another car and took vacations before I got the suit filed. When B tried to tell the judge I had jumped the gun on the suit the judge was pissed and ripped him to shreds right there. He's been sued three times since I broke up with him. SMH! The guy is a complete disaster/mess.

So the woman texting me told me she had hopped online to research him and ran across my suit and was asking me to share what happened. Said she wanted to protect herself. I sat there looking at her text thinking this woman has no idea what she's getting into. I told her about the suit and the pics. There was a lot more I could say but I didn't want to come off as the vindictive ex girlfriend. I wanted her to take me seriously and listen! I hope I had an affect.

Now I'm wondering how many more of these texts or calls I may get in the future from other women.


----------



## Blondilocks

Not said:


> Friday afternoon I received a text from someone wanting to know if she can talk to me about someone she met online, someone she thinks I may have dated last summer. It had to be B and she had to have been picking up on weird vibes from him, I knew instantly. It was him, she's been dating him for a month.
> 
> For those who don't know, B is someone I dated for a few months last summer, it was a disaster. This guy's credit was shot before I met him but he hid it. He was living in a room at a buddies house (and not paying his alcoholic extremely lonely buddy any of the rent he agreed to pay monthly) while he waited to get his divorce settlement so he could buy the house he never planned on buying. He's looking for a woman to move in with.
> 
> His sixty thousand dollar truck got repo'd in July and I loaned him the money to get it back. Like a dumbarse I believed the story he told about how it came to be and of course it wasn't his fault. He promised to repay me when he got his divorce settlement which was right about $50K I believe. I broke up with him two weeks later because of the nude pics of his exwife he was planning to use to black mail her to get the wedding ring back. Couldn't make this stuff up if I tried! Needless to say, he didn't want to pay me back after the breakup and I wound up having to sue him three months later to get him to pay me. Oh, but he did buy a corvette, snow mobile and trailer, another car and took vacations before I got the suit filed. When B tried to tell the judge I had jumped the gun on the suit the judge was pissed and ripped him to shreds right there. He's been sued three times since I broke up with him. SMH! The guy is a complete disaster/mess.
> 
> So the woman texting me told me she had hopped online to research him and ran across my suit and was asking me to share what happened. Said she wanted to protect herself. I sat there looking at her text thinking this woman has no idea what she's getting into. I told her about the suit and the pics. There was a lot more I could say but I didn't want to come off as the vindictive ex girlfriend. I wanted her to take me seriously and listen! I hope I had an affect.
> 
> Now I'm wondering how many more of these texts or calls I may get in the future from other women.


You did good. You can't say you weren't warned, though. He had red flags from the get go. I still get a laugh out of him telling you that he didn't know why his wife divorced him.

Maybe, you'll have saved another woman from this clown.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> I know this will piss off the "I don't believe in a piece of paper" people, but you know what, this is Talk About Marriage, *so tough titties.*


I'm one of those "I don't believe in a piece of paper" people, and you don't piss me off at all - you crack me up!!!! I think you're awesome!!!


----------



## Not

Blondilocks said:


> You did good. You can't say you weren't warned, though. He had red flags from the get go. I still get a laugh out of him telling you that he didn't know why his wife divorced him.
> 
> Maybe, you'll have saved another woman from this clown.



I remember you jumping on that comment of his. He was good though, the reasons he gave for her leaving happen in other marriages all the time. So not totally unbelievable. My problem was that I chose to trust him on something I had no way to verify.


----------



## LisaDiane

Not said:


> I agree with everything you've said and I have had experiences that seem to point to me being a narcissist magnet but I can't help but feel that people in our position will then tend to punish men for the actions of others which then causes problems itself. I don't want that.
> 
> I know I've caused issue's with Tank that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my past experiences. Not fair to him and I got damn lucky he chose to hang around because he could certainly find someone else who'd make his life easier in that respect. It's that part that bothers me the most. A barrier is created. Being cautious is the smart thing to do but at the same time being cautious can produce some overly cautious behavior that's not very healthy and will scare men off. It's very difficult if not impossible to fully connect with someone if you feel that you aren't sure yet that you can trust them.


I bet this is difficult!!! I agree with @WandaJ...it's about trusting someone else, but also about trusting OURSELVES. And I don't think you ever get to a place where you can fully trust, because you never truly know someone...so you have to find a way to cope with what you have RIGHT NOW, with what you DO know, and find a way to trust in YOUR OWN judgement about him. And ENJOY THE MOMENTS that are good!!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Good job, Not. I’m sure you saved that poor woman a ton of angst and grief! We need to look out for each other out there. Even if my ex’s trailer trash gf reached out to me with questions, I’d tell her the truth. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Friday afternoon I received a text from someone wanting to know if she can talk to me about someone she met online, someone she thinks I may have dated last summer. It had to be B and she had to have been picking up on weird vibes from him, I knew instantly. It was him, she's been dating him for a month.
> 
> For those who don't know, B is someone I dated for a few months last summer, it was a disaster. This guy's credit was shot before I met him but he hid it. He was living in a room at a buddies house (and not paying his alcoholic extremely lonely buddy any of the rent he agreed to pay monthly) while he waited to get his divorce settlement so he could buy the house he never planned on buying. He's looking for a woman to move in with.
> 
> His sixty thousand dollar truck got repo'd in July and I loaned him the money to get it back. Like a dumbarse I believed the story he told about how it came to be and of course it wasn't his fault. He promised to repay me when he got his divorce settlement which was right about $50K I believe. I broke up with him two weeks later because of the nude pics of his exwife he was planning to use to black mail her to get the wedding ring back. Couldn't make this stuff up if I tried! Needless to say, he didn't want to pay me back after the breakup and I wound up having to sue him three months later to get him to pay me. Oh, but he did buy a corvette, snow mobile and trailer, another car and took vacations before I got the suit filed. When B tried to tell the judge I had jumped the gun on the suit the judge was pissed and ripped him to shreds right there. He's been sued three times since I broke up with him. SMH! The guy is a complete disaster/mess.
> 
> So the woman texting me told me she had hopped online to research him and ran across my suit and was asking me to share what happened. Said she wanted to protect herself. I sat there looking at her text thinking this woman has no idea what she's getting into. I told her about the suit and the pics. There was a lot more I could say but I didn't want to come off as the vindictive ex girlfriend. I wanted her to take me seriously and listen! I hope I had an affect.
> 
> Now I'm wondering how many more of these texts or calls I may get in the future from other women.


Wow, that sounds like a bad acid trip you see on TV . She's lucky to have a warning, that sounds eerily similar to the warning my Mom got about my dad from other people. Don't worry about coming off as the vindictive gf, if you keep your tone neutral like you couldn't give a rat's ass about him, you won't be perceived as bitter. Hopefully, she heeds your warning and runs away like candy being chased by a fat kid.


----------



## Hiner112

This is going to be a bit of a ramble because it was more or less sprung on me a couple minutes ago and I'm just trying to put my thoughts in order.

I'm going to have a weird / awkward time tomorrow. A friend of mine that I slept with 15 years ago just got dumped by their significant other. They've been calling asking if they were good and if they could come over. I don't have any particular objections personally to the act itself (no current relationship, she's attractive or at least was when I saw her in person a couple years ago). It has been 1 year, 1 month and 3 weeks since I've had sex so there's that too.

I don't know if it is what she really needs, really. I'm not sure about what the kids would pick up on and I don't think it would set a good example. Honestly, when she started flirting I got stressed the F out and didn't know what to say.


----------



## attheend02

Hiner112 said:


> This is going to be a bit of a ramble because it was more or less sprung on me a couple minutes ago and I'm just trying to put my thoughts in order.
> 
> I'm going to have a weird / awkward time tomorrow. A friend of mine that I slept with 15 years ago just got dumped by their significant other. They've been calling asking if they were good and if they could come over. I don't have any particular objections personally to the act itself (no current relationship, she's attractive or at least was when I saw her in person a couple years ago). It has been 1 year, 1 month and 3 weeks since I've had sex so there's that too.
> 
> I don't know if it is what she really needs, really. I'm not sure about what the kids would pick up on and I don't think it would set a good example. Honestly, when she started flirting I got stressed the F out and didn't know what to say.


1 year, y 1month, and 3 weeks... but whos counting 

lighten up man ... you are an adult who may have sex ... Yippeee!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

If it makes you that uncomfortable, then you shouldn’t do it


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## jlg07

@Hiner112, 


Hiner112 said:


> just got dumped by their significant other. They've been calling asking if they were good and if they could come over


Looks like she is in a tough spot and looking for some validation. I THINK you can do this without having sex (at least right away). TALK with her first. LISTEN to her mostly. If things develop, then they do, but just realize she is probably very fragile at the moment.


----------



## Blondilocks

Hiner112 said:


> They've been calling *asking if they were good* and if they could come over


Good at sex???


----------



## Hiner112

Blondilocks said:


> Good at sex???


Yes. Was sleeping with her good, did I like it, did I remember it since it was so long ago, did I remember what she looked like naked, etc.

Just from the sort of the questions she was asking it seemed like that was at least part of why the guy broke up with her. She didn't want to talk about him or the details of the breakup though. 

It was 2 or 3 hours on the phone so I'm summarizing but I get the feeling that the first hour was leading up to this line of questions.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## Lila

minimalME said:


> @Lila, it makes me so happy that you're happy. 😙


You're so sweet @minimalME. It's a fun relationship. I don't see him as my happily-ever-after but he sure is fun-for-now. 😉




WandaJ said:


> He will have fun in there, I’m sure. By accident we ended up once in latino dance club for our girls night out and it was awesome!


We had a great time and he's hooked. He wants to take dance lessons. Now if we can just get our child custody schedules to sync up.


----------



## LisaDiane

Hiner112 said:


> This is going to be a bit of a ramble because it was more or less sprung on me a couple minutes ago and I'm just trying to put my thoughts in order.
> 
> I'm going to have a weird / awkward time tomorrow. A friend of mine that I slept with 15 years ago just got dumped by their significant other. They've been calling asking if they were good and if they could come over. I don't have any particular objections personally to the act itself (no current relationship, she's attractive or at least was when I saw her in person a couple years ago). It has been 1 year, 1 month and 3 weeks since I've had sex so there's that too.
> 
> I don't know if it is what she really needs, really. I'm not sure about what the kids would pick up on and I don't think it would set a good example. Honestly, when she started flirting I got stressed the F out and didn't know what to say.


Umm...HELLO?? GO FOR IT!!!! Lol!!!


----------



## Hiner112

Somewhat of an update. She is not doing in person validation. Judging from the texts, she's busy drowning her sorrows instead which was probably why yesterday was so weird / sudden.


----------



## WandaJ

I am coming to conclusion that going forward after divorce (23 year old marriage, dysfunctional) i will follow Meatloaf’s song “Two out of three ain’t bad”..... not looking for anything permanent, and keeping my freedom. 
That’s my plan, at least for now


----------



## Not

LisaDiane said:


> I bet this is difficult!!! I agree with @WandaJ...it's about trusting someone else, but also about trusting OURSELVES. And I don't think you ever get to a place where you can fully trust, because you never truly know someone...so you have to find a way to cope with what you have RIGHT NOW, with what you DO know, and find a way to trust in YOUR OWN judgement about him. And ENJOY THE MOMENTS that are good!!!


Sooo agree. I guess one gets to a point where a choice is made. Take the risk and continue on with this new person knowing trust can only come in time or not take the risk and cut them loose, but that gets awfully lonely.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> Good job, Not. I’m sure you saved that poor woman a ton of angst and grief! We need to look out for each other out there. Even if my ex’s trailer trash gf reached out to me with questions, I’d tell her the truth.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes! I'll gladly talk with these women. And it's not that I have any interest in making his life hard but I do have an interest in saving another woman all the potential trouble she could run into. That man is a gold digger.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Wow, that sounds like a bad acid trip you see on TV . She's lucky to have a warning, that sounds eerily similar to the warning my Mom got about my dad from other people. Don't worry about coming off as the vindictive gf, if you keep your tone neutral like you couldn't give a rat's ass about him, you won't be perceived as bitter. Hopefully, she heeds your warning and runs away like candy being chased by a fat kid.


Yeah, he was my online dating horror story. Tank and I were talking about it, trying to guesstimate how long it'll be before he shows his true colors and she contacts me again. We decided mid-October at the latest lol! She'll get the facts, nothing more and nothing less.


----------



## Not

Hiner112 said:


> This is going to be a bit of a ramble because it was more or less sprung on me a couple minutes ago and I'm just trying to put my thoughts in order.
> 
> I'm going to have a weird / awkward time tomorrow. A friend of mine that I slept with 15 years ago just got dumped by their significant other. They've been calling asking if they were good and if they could come over. I don't have any particular objections personally to the act itself (no current relationship, she's attractive or at least was when I saw her in person a couple years ago). It has been 1 year, 1 month and 3 weeks since I've had sex so there's that too.
> 
> I don't know if it is what she really needs, really. I'm not sure about what the kids would pick up on and I don't think it would set a good example. Honestly, when she started flirting I got stressed the F out and didn't know what to say.


If it doesn't feel good or right abandon ship. It's an odd situation anyway.


----------



## Hiner112

WandaJ said:


> I am coming to conclusion that going forward after divorce (23 year old marriage, dysfunctional) i will follow Meatloaf’s song “Two out of three ain’t bad”..... not looking for anything permanent, and keeping my freedom.
> That’s my plan, at least for now


It might depend on which two you pick. Looking back there was a significant part of my marriage that my ex needed me (for housing, car payments, insurance, etc) and wanted me (to rub her feet, back, etc) but didn't love me. The wanting and needing without love led to resentment and the last few years were a 2/10, would not recommend. Both people being independent, especially at our ages is a must so neither person feels trapped. I certainly don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone that is "stuck with me" ever again.


----------



## WandaJ

Hiner112 said:


> It might depend on which two you pick. Looking back there was a significant part of my marriage that my ex needed me (for housing, car payments, insurance, etc) and wanted me (to rub her feet, back, etc) but didn't love me. The wanting and needing without love led to resentment and the last few years were a 2/10, would not recommend. Both people being independent, especially at our ages is a must so neither person feels trapped. I certainly don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone that is "stuck with me" ever again.


Exactly the same for me -independence from now on. It took me so long to leave my marriage because of all that: small children together, mortgage, business together. I did not see way out of it. Until I did... I will have smaller house, and leave successful business in order to work for someone else. Can not wait!

I will never let myself be in that corner ever again. 50 years old and free, and now I can really breathe. Even a thought of getting into permanent relationship with all the entanglements suffocates me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

So weirdly enough, I had a date on Friday night. He is a friend of one of my close friends, and we had previously spent some time together before, so we weren’t totally new people to each other. We had a good date and I really enjoyed myself. But... 

He smokes and he chews tobacco. He asked me the next day after our date if that was a dealbreaker for me or if I wanted to give another date a try. I was honest and let him know that yes, it is a dealbreaker for me. I asked if we could still be friends and he did agree and was very nice. But I haven’t heard from him since. I feel terrible because he was so super nice and I really did enjoy his company. My friend is making me feel kind of bad because she says that I am letting this one thing stop me from a possible good thing with a good guy. I had previously broke my own boundary about the smoking thing with my recent ex-boyfriend. I’ve always hated smoking, but because of my feelings for him, I let it go to pursue the relationship. I told myself I would not do that going forward. Honestly the chewing tobacco is even grosser to me than the smoking. 

So what say you guys? Was I stupid to possibly miss out on a good guy because of this one thing? Or am I right to stick to my guns?


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## minimalME

I think it's awesome that you were honest with yourself. 🤗

To me, things like this become future resentments/problems.



3Xnocharm said:


> Was I stupid to possibly miss out on a good guy because of this one thing? Or am I right to stick to my guns?


----------



## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> So what say you guys? Was I stupid to possibly miss out on a good guy because of this one thing? Or am I right to stick to my guns?


I went out with a guy once who claimed he didn't smoke, he chain-smoked the entire date. Kissing him was like kissing an ashtray, it was beyond disgusting. I can't imagine being around someone like that long-term, so no point in wasting both of your time. If your friends likes him so much, she can date him and clean his chimney.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

minimalME said:


> To me, things like this become future resentments/problems.


Thank you! This right here is my thinking too. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

TXTrini said:


> I went out with a guy once who claimed he didn't smoke, he chain-smoked the entire date. Kissing him was like kissing an ashtray, it was beyond disgusting. I can't imagine being around someone like that long-term, so no point in wasting both of your time. If your friends likes him so much, she can date him and clean his chimney.


When I think of how my ex used to smell when he’d walk into my house with his coat on, because the leather coat really seemed to hang onto that smoke smell...how he’d go outside to smoke several times during a visit... or same thing when we’d be out at a smoke free establishment and there i would sit by myself, or have to go outside and freeze with the rest of the smokers around...how my ex husband had nicotine staining on his mustache.... 

All just UGH. 


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## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> So weirdly enough, I had a date on Friday night. He is a friend of one of my close friends, and we had previously spent some time together before, so we weren’t totally new people to each other. We had a good date and I really enjoyed myself. But...
> 
> He smokes and he chews tobacco. He asked me the next day after our date if that was a dealbreaker for me or if I wanted to give another date a try. I was honest and let him know that yes, it is a dealbreaker for me. I asked if we could still be friends and he did agree and was very nice. But I haven’t heard from him since. I feel terrible because he was so super nice and I really did enjoy his company. My friend is making me feel kind of bad because she says that I am letting this one thing stop me from a possible good thing with a good guy. I had previously broke my own boundary about the smoking thing with my recent ex-boyfriend. I’ve always hated smoking, but because of my feelings for him, I let it go to pursue the relationship. I told myself I would not do that going forward. Honestly the chewing tobacco is even grosser to me than the smoking.
> 
> So what say you guys? Was I stupid to possibly miss out on a good guy because of this one thing? Or am I right to stick to my guns?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Just the thought of kissing a man who chews makes me gag so no, I think your friend is wrong.


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## WandaJ

Oh my gosh, after 25 years, I completely forgot how stressful dating can be! It’s like high school again.. how do you do that? I tried for few weeks and decided I am not ready for this yet. My life is calmer again, lol.


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## Laurentium

TXTrini said:


> I went out with a guy once who claimed he didn't smoke, he chain-smoked the entire date. Kissing him was like kissing an ashtray


Why were you kissing him when you already knew he was a liar?


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## TXTrini

Laurentium said:


> Why were you kissing him when you already knew he was a liar?


12.5 yrs of a sexless marriage takes its toll. What can I say?  
I didn't want anything remotely serious at that point.


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## Hiner112

WandaJ said:


> Oh my gosh, after 25 years, I completely forgot how stressful dating can be! It’s like high school again.. how do you do that? I tried for few weeks and decided I am not ready for this yet. My life is calmer again, lol.


High school? Years of nothing followed by a few casual movie / dinner dates over as many months culminating in a peck on the cheek? It doesn't sound that bad. At least I won't have homework this time.


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## 3Xnocharm

I called it. Two months. 


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## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> I called it. Two months.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What was two months?


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## Lila

Slightly sad update. I decided to break up with the guy I was seeing. He's a great guy but he has baby momma drama. He tried to shelter me from his ex's antics but I decided to call it off after she found out my personal information and started harassing me. It caused unnecessary stress and anxiety in my life. 

I try to keep my life like a calm pond. I boot the rock and boulder tossers out.


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## 3Xnocharm

Lila said:


> What was two months?


My ex’s new “relationship”


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## 3Xnocharm

Lila said:


> Slightly sad update. I decided to break up with the guy I was seeing. He's a great guy but he has baby momma drama. He tried to shelter me from his ex's antics but I decided to call it off after she found out my personal information and started harassing me. It caused unnecessary stress and anxiety in my life.
> 
> I try to keep my life like a calm pond. I boot the rock and boulder tossers out.


Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that! I bet he’s lost other relationships that way because of her. What a psycho. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ

Lila said:


> Slightly sad update. I decided to break up with the guy I was seeing. He's a great guy but he has baby momma drama. He tried to shelter me from his ex's antics but I decided to call it off after she found out my personal information and started harassing me. It caused unnecessary stress and anxiety in my life.
> 
> I try to keep my life like a calm pond. I boot the rock and boulder tossers out.


that sucks, I'm sorry!


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## bobsmith

3Xnocharm said:


> He smokes and he chews tobacco. He asked me the next day after our date if that was a dealbreaker for me or if I wanted to give another date a try. I was honest and let him know that yes, it is a dealbreaker for me.
> 
> So what say you guys? Was I stupid to possibly miss out on a good guy because of this one thing? Or am I right to stick to my guns?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Totally justified! Another angle on that is signing up for dealing with their health problems in later life. I think smoking alters the brain because my best friend is convinced he is healthy as a horse, but nearly chain smokes. He is already dealing with pneumonia about 2x/yr which is NOT normal!

Stick to your guns. Many people "quit" but so many eventually go right back to it. I have an aunt on O2 now.... Smoking killed her husband, and she is now hanging on by a thread.....STILL smoking!!!!


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## Hiner112

I saw this on the new on Netflix list: "The Unicorn". He's not factory fresh but he is certified pre-owned. 









The Unicorn | Netflix


A widowed father of two girls navigates the world of dating, surprised to learn that many women consider him a hot commodity.




www.netflix.com





I might watch it for the escapist fantasy that it is.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I saw this on the new on Netflix list: "The Unicorn". He's not factory fresh but he is certified pre-owned.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Unicorn | Netflix
> 
> 
> A widowed father of two girls navigates the world of dating, surprised to learn that many women consider him a hot commodity.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.netflix.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I might watch it for the escapist fantasy that it is.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


I love that show! It's hilarious, but down to earth.


----------



## Not

Six months down with Tank. Things are still really good. It's funny, dating in the upper 40's, how different it is from dating earlier in life when energy is endless and there are no serious responsibilities to worry about. We have all these things we always want to do but we get worn out! We're always on the go on the weekends when his ex has his kids. Then evening hits and instead of hot steamy sex we crash into bed and zonk out lol! Or we're working on a project and pull something and the back is out of commission and we can't go to the gym lol! He's still sexy even though he'll be crashed out on his couch after a long work week when I arrive at his place, sleeping with his mouth wide open. 

We're at the point where we're trying to figure out how to balance life and two households and still spend as much time together as we can. Not easy but when we do see each other it's so nice because we really missed each other, makes it much sweeter. Life is complicated but very good.


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## TXTrini

Not said:


> Six months down with Tank. Things are still really good. It's funny, dating in the upper 40's, how different it is from dating earlier in life when energy is endless and there are no serious responsibilities to worry about. We have all these things we always want to do but we get worn out! We're always on the go on the weekends when his ex has his kids. Then evening hits and instead of hot steamy sex we crash into bed and zonk out lol! Or we're working on a project and pull something and the back is out of commission and we can't go to the gym lol! He's still sexy even though he'll be crashed out on his couch after a long work week when I arrive at his place, sleeping with his mouth wide open.
> 
> We're at the point where we're trying to figure out how to balance life and two households and still spend as much time together as we can. Not easy but when we do see each other it's so nice because we really missed each other, makes it much sweeter. Life is complicated but very good.


I'm so happy to hear this Not! It sounds blissful but busy. It's been just over 8 months with my guy, and I definitely see the difference between relationships now. You sound truly happy, not at all where you were when things had just started out between you two. I hope things continue going well _hugs_


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## RandomDude

Been looking back at my posts/threads years ago, when I was married, when I was divorced and single, before I met my partner... it's scary really, it's like I was a completely different person each time.


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## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Been looking back at my posts/threads years ago, when I was married, when I was divorced and single, before I met my partner... it's scary really, it's like I was a completely different person each time.


That's an interesting observation 🤔. Did you like who you were each time? Was it at least a better version of you every time or did you take on a new identity for each relationship?


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## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> That's an interesting observation 🤔. Did you like who you were each time? Was it at least a better version of you every time or did you take on a new identity for each relationship?


More like my maturity level was that of a teenager even just 3 years ago, a child when single post divorce, and at marriage was an infant. Can't say I've matured that much either, but still, my views on relationships, I honestly don't know how I got by. I had to spend 10 years on this forum to understand even basic principles, and I still didn't even get it until I finally fell in love first time in my life. I didn't understand transparency, true sacrifice, not until I met my partner. Where as my partner for some reason already knew and understood. We talked about what it would have been like if we were of the same age. She would have been way too mature for me, kinda disturbing in fact when I'm 14 years older.

Actually I also read my own stuff sometimes and just cringe...


----------



## TXTrini

So I'm playing hookey and decided to come to look in on you guys. I hope all is well with y'all. It's been busy busy busy the last couple of months, but here's an update...

A couple months ago my bf (it still feels super weird to call him that  , makes me feel like a teenager) was laid off and he took it really hard. Thankfully, he's doing ok, and we've been supporting each other through everything. We've had some real heart to hearts about us since we've spent much more time together and I've thought a lot about how I feel about how things have unfolded.

I realize that I was extremely guarded and still am to some extent, and have been hard to get to know. I've always been a very private, self-contained person and never was one to confide in people, which is hilarious, seeing as how I've spilled my guts on here. I'm not used to someone wanting to hear me complain about things, my ex would tune me out and be a rock, so I stopped trying. 

My therapist drew my attention to my tendency to minimize traumatic events and laugh it off to hide and if I want a genuine connection with anyone, not just a significant other, I need to show the ****** in my armor. So all this time, I was sabotaging his efforts in trying to get to know me, bc he told me he found me very hard to read. He confessed he didn't want to risk messing anything up because he sees a future with me and was afraid he was just a passing fancy to me. I've been crazy infatuated with the man from the beginning, and have been in love with him for months. 

It has been wonderful to discover that my instincts that he was as sensitive as I am, and sharing the same feelings from the start have been correct. I do know that it feels "right" when we're together, I enjoy spending time with him (in and out of the bedroom), I like how he involves me in his life and I miss him when he's not there. He always tells me he's a patient man, and he's fine waiting as long as it takes for me to be ready. I didn't know what he meant until I acknowledged that I don't know what exactly I want the end goal of a relationship to be (living together/marriage, etc). I'm afraid of what it means to have what I always wanted, a close loving partnership. 

I thought I was being honest, but that's not the same as being open. How do you allow yourself to be open with someone when you are vulnerable? It's not something I've ever been good at.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> More like my maturity level was that of a teenager even just 3 years ago, a child when single post divorce, and at marriage was an infant. Can't say I've matured that much either, but still, my views on relationships, I honestly don't know how I got by. I had to spend 10 years on this forum to understand even basic principles, and I still didn't even get it until I finally fell in love first time in my life. I didn't understand transparency, true sacrifice, not until I met my partner. Where as my partner for some reason already knew and understood. We talked about what it would have been like if we were of the same age. She would have been way too mature for me, kinda disturbing in fact when I'm 14 years older.
> 
> Actually I also read my own stuff sometimes and just cringe...


At least you grew up, some people never do. Nothing wrong with being ashamed of who you USED to be, that's not you now. Many people go through life doing the same thing and never learn, however, something in the former you decided to improve your outlook. 

How are you two doing these days?


----------



## minimalME

@RandomDude, thank you for your honesty! 🤗


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> At least you grew up, some people never do. Nothing wrong with being ashamed of who you USED to be, that's not you now. Many people go through life doing the same thing and never learn, however, something in the former you decided to improve your outlook.
> 
> How are you two doing these days?


Been enjoying alot of free time! Business-wise I'm still holding on having adapted to the new circumstances of Covid and thankfully I'm not in Melbourne where it's completed fked up. I'm also doing my own studies to move onto a completely different industry since hospitality and tourism will simply not recover for years. She had lost her job unfortunately earlier this year and focused on her studies but kept trying and trying despite like, mere single pages of available jobs per day and just today managed to get a job offer! Sheer determination really, despite me telling her she doesn't have to work and I can still support us.

Relationship-wise, we are very intimate and haven't slowed down, we also have alot of fun together and still go out on dates. We are still opposites in many ways and although we complement each other very well sometimes we do clash but we always work it out. It's become obvious she's become integral to my life in every way and I can't really see myself living without her so planning to seal the deal sooner than later 

Also we noticed since Covid alot of couples end up seeing each other more and the results have been devastating! Like increase in domestic abuse, divorce, breakups, etc. It's nice to know we can both sit at home and not have such problems!


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> So I'm playing hookey and decided to come to look in on you guys. I hope all is well with y'all. It's been busy busy busy the last couple of months, but here's an update...
> 
> A couple months ago my bf (it still feels super weird to call him that  , makes me feel like a teenager) was laid off and he took it really hard. Thankfully, he's doing ok, and we've been supporting each other through everything. We've had some real heart to hearts about us since we've spent much more time together and I've thought a lot about how I feel about how things have unfolded.
> 
> I realize that I was extremely guarded and still am to some extent, and have been hard to get to know. I've always been a very private, self-contained person and never was one to confide in people, which is hilarious, seeing as how I've spilled my guts on here. I'm not used to someone wanting to hear me complain about things, my ex would tune me out and be a rock, so I stopped trying.
> 
> My therapist drew my attention to my tendency to minimize traumatic events and laugh it off to hide and if I want a genuine connection with anyone, not just a significant other, I need to show the ****** in my armor. So all this time, I was sabotaging his efforts in trying to get to know me, bc he told me he found me very hard to read. He confessed he didn't want to risk messing anything up because he sees a future with me and was afraid he was just a passing fancy to me. I've been crazy infatuated with the man from the beginning, and have been in love with him for months.
> 
> It has been wonderful to discover that my instincts that he was as sensitive as I am, and sharing the same feelings from the start have been correct. I do know that it feels "right" when we're together, I enjoy spending time with him (in and out of the bedroom), I like how he involves me in his life and I miss him when he's not there. He always tells me he's a patient man, and he's fine waiting as long as it takes for me to be ready. I didn't know what he meant until I acknowledged that I don't know what exactly I want the end goal of a relationship to be (living together/marriage, etc). I'm afraid of what it means to have what I always wanted, a close loving partnership.
> 
> I thought I was being honest, but that's not the same as being open. How do you allow yourself to be open with someone when you are vulnerable? It's not something I've ever been good at.


TX, you are my wonder twin!  Something I've noticed I do is I won't even realize I'm being closed off because I don't _feel_ closed off. It's to ingrained to feel like anything but "normal". He has been good about dragging things out of me though and I'm picking up on how to do that opening up stuff along the way. I'll have all kinds of stuff going through my mind but it honestly doesn't occur to me to put it out there. Or if I feel put on the spot to open up, my mind goes blank and I sort of freeze. (wondering if you do that too?) It's taking lots of practice/self observation.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Been enjoying alot of free time! Business-wise I'm still holding on having adapted to the new circumstances of Covid and thankfully I'm not in Melbourne where it's completed fked up. I'm also doing my own studies to move onto a completely different industry since hospitality and tourism will simply not recover for years. She had lost her job unfortunately earlier this year and focused on her studies but kept trying and trying despite like, mere single pages of available jobs per day and just today managed to get a job offer! Sheer determination really, despite me telling her she doesn't have to work and I can still support us.
> 
> Relationship-wise, we are very intimate and haven't slowed down, we also have alot of fun together and still go out on dates. We are still opposites in many ways and although we complement each other very well sometimes we do clash but we always work it out. It's become obvious she's become integral to my life in every way and I can't really see myself living without her so planning to seal the deal sooner than later
> 
> Also we noticed since Covid alot of couples end up seeing each other more and the results have been devastating! Like increase in domestic abuse, divorce, breakups, etc. It's nice to know we can both sit at home and not have such problems!


I have to confess, I do remember a few of your early posts (long-time lurker), and you did come across like a tool  - drama-ridden and superficial. It's been lovely to watch your evolution into a man any woman would be proud to have as a partner.

I'm in a very similar position, I'll be halfway through my program at the end of the year, in a completely different industry. Your assessment of travel and hospitality is chillingly accurate, I am so thankful I decided to switch last year, so it wasn't such a huge shock when the **** hit the fan. 

It's wonderful that circumstances have brought you two closer, it's horrible to see how many relationships have gone down the crapper with the current insanity, as if that weren't stressful enough. Keep on keeping on, brah! Do update us with the happy news when you decide to dive in 💍💑! Like many people, I enjoy hearing about other people finding joy together, it gives the rest of us plebs some hope. 🙏


----------



## TXTrini

Girl, you hit it on the nail with this...


Not said:


> I won't even realize I'm being closed off because I don't _feel_ closed off. It's to ingrained to feel like anything but "normal".


and


Not said:


> I'll have all kinds of stuff going through my mind but it honestly doesn't occur to me to put it out there. Or if I feel put on the spot to open up, my mind goes blank and I sort of freeze. (wondering if you do that too?) It's taking lots of practice/self observation.


I am so guilty of all of the above. I suppose years of rejection and minimal affection wore me down, so it seemed useless to keep putting myself out there to get shot down.

It's hard to conceive that someone wants me to be their everything, as I am at this moment when I consider myself a bit of a wreck and am working on self-improvement. He thinks I am sweet, kind, considerate, and very affectionate, and he's said I've treated him better than any of his exes. While I'm here knowing full well I am being a bit standoffish and suspicious and think I'm not making that big of an effort, considering what I used to do for my ex.

It helps to put emotions aside (extremely difficult for me at times!) and dispassionately examine the facts that it's unreasonable to expect someone to be vulnerable if _I _can't? For the most part, I believe you get what you give, why is that so hard when it comes to the heart?


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> I have to confess, I do remember a few of your early posts (long-time lurker), and you did come across like a tool  - drama-ridden and superficial. It's been lovely to watch your evolution into a man any woman would be proud to have as a partner.
> 
> I'm in a very similar position, I'll be halfway through my program at the end of the year, in a completely different industry. Your assessment of travel and hospitality is chillingly accurate, I am so thankful I decided to switch last year, so it wasn't such a huge shock when the **** hit the fan.
> 
> It's wonderful that circumstances have brought you two closer, it's horrible to see how many relationships have gone down the crapper with the current insanity, as if that weren't stressful enough. Keep on keeping on, brah! Do update us with the happy news when you decide to dive in 💍💑! Like many people, I enjoy hearing about other people finding joy together, it gives the rest of us plebs some hope. 🙏


Lol thanks though I'm still quite a tool and may read my own posts next year and cringe again haha, but that's life isn't it? We grow 

I did lose hope actually, was content with being unable to ever find a real connection for the rest of my life. If only I can express what it feels like to have absolutely no hope only to watch as the stars just literally align for you the next day... just incredible really.

It feels weird even talking about sometimes because I cant even honestly believe how I got this lucky and actually have all this happen to me. And it happened right when I was finally, truly, ready for it.


----------



## Rivercat

Andy1001 said:


> I own a gym and during December over a hundred women had gym membership for their husband/boyfriend as a Christmas gift.
> The amount of men who bought it for the woman in their lives?
> Zero.


Had to comment, Im guessing this would point to the fact that most women (even highly attractive by todays image standards) not already going to the gym are insecure and anything that implies discontent in their physical shape is taken as an insult. Its kinda like buying her a dress thats knowingly too small. Am I right? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Lol thanks though I'm still quite a tool and may read my own posts next year and cringe again haha, but that's life isn't it? We grow
> 
> I did lose hope actually, was content with being unable to ever find a real connection for the rest of my life. If only I can express what it feels like to have absolutely no hope only to watch as the stars just literally align for you the next day... just incredible really.
> 
> It feels weird even talking about sometimes because I cant even honestly believe how I got this lucky and actually have all this happen to me. And it happened right when I was finally, truly, ready for it.


Nah I think you've ascended to loveable asshole status, or reformed rake, if you will. Growth isn' t easy, or for the weak, I've been trying to find my own sweet spot, somewhere between too opinionated and too nice. People often mistake kindness for weakness, which forces me to be an asshole and I hate that. 

You know, if everyone was able to find that, I think the world would be a much happier place. Thank you for sharing.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> It's hard to conceive that someone wants me to be their everything, as I am at this moment when I consider myself a bit of a wreck and am working on self-improvement. He thinks I am sweet, kind, considerate, and very affectionate, and he's said I've treated him better than any of his exes. While I'm here knowing full well I am being a bit standoffish and suspicious and think I'm not making that big of an effort, considering what I used to do for my ex.


What crossed my mind while reading this is this.....you are aware. You're aware of what you're doing and what you're feeling as your doing it and I'm guessing your reactions/words/interactions with him are measured. Meaning, you're careful with how you treat him because you're aware of how you are. I think, ironically, the more aware one is of their own BS the better they treat others. What he says about you, being kind, affectionate etc, bears that out.



> It helps to put emotions aside (extremely difficult for me at times!) and dispassionately examine the facts that it's unreasonable to expect someone to be vulnerable if _I _can't? For the most part, I believe you get what you give, why is that so hard when it comes to the heart?


Agree.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> What crossed my mind while reading this is this.....you are aware. You're aware of what you're doing and what you're feeling as your doing it and I'm guessing your reactions/words/interactions with him are measured. Meaning, you're careful with how you treat him because you're aware of how you are. I think, ironically, the more aware one is of their own BS the better they treat others. What he says about you, being kind, affectionate etc, bears that out.
> 
> Agree.


Oh, I'm well aware of my shortcomings, I've been introspective all my life and dealt with enough pain to not want to intentionally cause such in others. I want to be more forthcoming, but I'm not quite sure how. I know it's fear, fear of opening myself up to caring too much and then having things fall apart. My problem is I get overly invested in people, b/c I just feel things very deeply. I know that mindset is counterproductive, b/c it ends up doing JUST that.

What's the answer though? I could sure use some advice.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Oh, I'm well aware of my shortcomings, I've been introspective all my life and dealt with enough pain to not want to intentionally cause such in others. I want to be more forthcoming, but I'm not quite sure how. I know it's fear, fear of opening myself up to caring too much and then having things fall apart. My problem is I get overly invested in people, b/c I just feel things very deeply. I know that mindset is counterproductive, b/c it ends up doing JUST that.
> 
> What's the answer though? I could sure use some advice.


I’m with you & I want that answer too. I’m at the opposite end though...cowering in my house with my dogs afraid to trust anybody. At least you guys are out there trying  


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m with you & I want that answer too. I’m at the opposite end though...cowering in my house with my dogs afraid to trust anybody. At least you guys are out there trying
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Does anyone of us really trust anyone who's not blood family just like that? Maybe I'm just a suspicious little ****, but it takes time 😀. At least most people dating at our age have survived the battlefieldand understand how you feel. 

When you are ready to sally forth from yonder fortress, you shall. _hugs_ At least you have good company, nothing can beat the sheer love and loyalty of a doggie.


----------



## Affaircare

First, I'm just going to say that I had the love of a good dog. His name was Wolfie (as I am actually a Wolf in human clothing), and he was a little, tiny 5lb. Maltese. Now, I am NOT a small dog person, but my exH bought him (for $800 abour 20 years ago!) and then took off and left me with an ankle-biter! I was LESS than amused, but I thought I'd "Well, I own him now. Might as well give him a chance." He was just a little 8 week ball of cute, then, but what I needed so much was that when I'd come home (like from work), he was right at the door waiting and would JUMP up and down like he was excited to see me! Then, wherever I went...he went. He just liked to be with me. My god, I can not tell you how often that little dog just saved me. He passed over the rainbow bridge in 2016. Here he is:









I would point out, though, that he taught me a LOT of lessons about loving and being dedicated...that it was okay to love me as I am. But he wasn't another human soul with whom to share my human soul. I did love him, and through him learned SOME of how to love again...but to truly learn I did eventually need a partner. I'm with you guys--I don't trust easy and there's often this little part of me that doesn't really believe it (the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" side of me). Honestly--I figure about the time someone truly "gets to know me" that they'll run away screaming in the other direction! LOL 

Being transparent, to me, is like being a Christian. It's a practice. You don't just "achieve it"--you practice every day. You try to grow in it. You do a little more--go a little further than your comfort zone. You try it--fail miserably--and say "Next time, I'll do this!"--and try again. In a way, being vulnerable in front of your partner is a lot like learning how to be naked in the daylight in front of your partner--they are going to see EVERYTHING and at first it is just awkward! How can you LIKE this? Well... here I am. I've got a tummy. I have boobs to my belly button. And I have curves and legs that you've only dreamed of. And all that is 50-something years old--you sure you WANT to see that? LOL After a while, you know that they do know your bod and being nude is kind of delightful and freeing, and that's the same with being transparent. 

I will say this--transparency is the one thing I worked the HARDEST on after my infidelity. I was used to living "semi-covered" and I had to learn to not only "let another in" but also to be comfortable with that! It was not easy, and frankly it was probably the scariest part.


----------



## TXTrini

Affaircare said:


> First, I'm just going to say that I had the love of a good dog. His name was Wolfie (as I am actually a Wolf in human clothing), and he was a little, tiny 5lb. Maltese. Now, I am NOT a small dog person, but my exH bought him (for $800 abour 20 years ago!) and then took off and left me with an ankle-biter! I was LESS than amused, but I thought I'd "Well, I own him now. Might as well give him a chance." He was just a little 8 week ball of cute, then, but what I needed so much was that when I'd come home (like from work), he was right at the door waiting and would JUMP up and down like he was excited to see me! Then, wherever I went...he went. He just liked to be with me. My god, I can not tell you how often that little dog just saved me. He passed over the rainbow bridge in 2016. Here he is:
> View attachment 71915
> 
> 
> I would point out, though, that he taught me a LOT of lessons about loving and being dedicated...that it was okay to love me as I am. But he wasn't another human soul with whom to share my human soul. I did love him, and through him learned SOME of how to love again...but to truly learn I did eventually need a partner. I'm with you guys--I don't trust easy and there's often this little part of me that doesn't really believe it (the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" side of me). Honestly--I figure about the time someone truly "gets to know me" that they'll run away screaming in the other direction! LOL
> 
> Being transparent, to me, is like being a Christian. It's a practice. You don't just "achieve it"--you practice every day. You try to grow in it. You do a little more--go a little further than your comfort zone. You try it--fail miserably--and say "Next time, I'll do this!"--and try again. In a way, being vulnerable in front of your partner is a lot like learning how to be naked in the daylight in front of your partner--they are going to see EVERYTHING and at first it is just awkward! How can you LIKE this? Well... here I am. I've got a tummy. I have boobs to my belly button. And I have curves and legs that you've only dreamed of. And all that is 50-something years old--you sure you WANT to see that? LOL After a while, you know that they do know your bod and being nude is kind of delightful and freeing, and that's the same with being transparent.
> 
> I will say this--transparency is the one thing I worked the HARDEST on after my infidelity. I was used to living "semi-covered" and I had to learn to not only "let another in" but also to be comfortable with that! It was not easy, and frankly it was probably the scariest part.


AC's in da house! Whoohoo! I've been waiting for you or EB to come to our rescue and dayum baybee, you do not disappoint! 

All kidding aside, thank you for your thoughtful post, you are so right that nothing compares to the love of a human partner. I have no problem loving someone, or being selfless, unfortunately it has been my experience that love is pain. So when things go "too well", I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, like you mentioned. I love myself, am content with who I am and can be quite irresistible to people if I want to be, so I highly doubt it's low self esteem like people love to harp about. 

I need to figure out how to be comfortable letting someone in. Thankfully, my guy describes himself as a very patient man, and he has been. What did you do?


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Oh, I'm well aware of my shortcomings, I've been introspective all my life and dealt with enough pain to not want to intentionally cause such in others. I want to be more forthcoming, but I'm not quite sure how. I know it's fear, fear of opening myself up to caring too much and then having things fall apart. My problem is I get overly invested in people, b/c I just feel things very deeply. I know that mindset is counterproductive, b/c it ends up doing JUST that.
> 
> What's the answer though? I could sure use some advice.


I'm beginning to believe the answer is some people just simply have the balls to dive in face first, others not so much and still others not at all.

I know my grandfathers death played a part in why I am the way I am. I was 21-22 or so. When he died the pain was too much. I literally laid on my couch that whole day mentally forcing the pain down, over and over and over, until I had it down pat. About 12 hours laying on that couch staring at the ceiling. When the pain began to rise I knew what to do. It took me a long time to realize the level of that pain was in direct proportion to how much I loved him. I thought of the pain like it was a monument to love, which is beautiful, but no way did I want to go through that again. Then the rest of life happened which then reinforced that.

I look at Tank and how he is and how he tries with me. His ex-wife was a selfish crappy person and then she cheated, he's been through the ringer. His dad was his best friend and passed away a few years ago. I know he's been through just as much as I have so what's different about him, what allows him to be so open and transparent? He's got just as much at stake. All I can come up with is that he's stuffing his fear down, drowning it out maybe. He can't be all that different than me but he's conquering his fear and I'm not, how? Strength maybe and seeing what you want and going for it and not letting anything get in the way. That's how I see him.


----------



## PieceOfSky

I don’t mean to pry. And don’t feel the need to answer.

But it’s not clear to me what some of you ladies are holding back, and in what manner?

I get that there is something you perceive yourself to be holding back. Or perhaps, you’re giving yourself freely to your partners and possibilities, but have an uneasy feeling you cannot shake?

What would it look like to you to have resolved/conquered this sort of problem? How would your life, relationship, and/or your behavior be different than it currently is?

Sorry if you said it already and I missed it.


----------



## PieceOfSky

Not said:


> All I can come up with is that he's stuffing his fear down, drowning it out maybe. He can't be all that different than me but he's conquering his fear and I'm not, how? Strength maybe and seeing what you want and going for it and not letting anything get in the way. That's how I see him.


I suppose there are ways to coexist with fear, without stuffing it down, without conquering it in a struggle-against it sense.

I suppose there are ways to become more comfortable with the fear being present, and that lessens the impact its presence can have on you.

I don’t claim to be good at it. But, I suspect that’s a path worth pursuing.

Ive mentioned this before, and still like it’s relevance to this topic: https://link.medium.com/d3lNCntRgab


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

...fear was my enlightenment.

We have many fears... often the longer we are with someone the more our fear can take hold, and then often we transfer if we do not take the time to understand how it came to be. For me, there was something about being in a place after all was said and done where I realized that no longer having value and being disposable was a part of change in a relationship that suffers, part of a cycle where being in a place where one simply does not belong especially if what was there was more of an endurance than what was meant to be. In the end I was just that for one... heck, I was disposable for several really but that was not meant to define who I am.

Was I the best version of me? I know my heart is better today than it has ever been but I hope not!

I trust the process of my love with AC to grow as nothing will ever remain the same... you never step into the same creek twice nor do you love exactly the same way every day.

That is not to say that promises don't hold true... you do promise many things, I have made many in my life and the intent to keep such even when it was not possible under the circumstances is what allowed me to find the peace I needed... we cannot control everything, and there are times that we will simply fail when little is in our control.

Some things I did not do very well as I learned, others came to me later as I reached different moments and clarities. A great teacher once said "Do not abandon your commitments... Just pick up where you left off". And it's true... learn to know your heart as your heart knows you.

What your heart knows is it can be afraid... and being afraid is ok.

Allowing it (fear) to control you is always the challenge.

I say that because fear can scream louder than you do... at some point you have to take a breath and realize that fear is there as a lesson if one only listens to it and a lesson does not leave you until it is learned. Fear is worrying more about how others love you than you love yourself... and loving yourself in a healthy way will lead you to a healthy place that will be shared with others so as fear is noisy, it is also noisy for a reason.

Sometimes it is the lack of patience, other times it is attention.

It also may be asking the simple things, such as asking you "to thine own self be true, so what are you going to do about it"? Well... perhaps to be honest in your ways and relations. To tear down walls, not build them is a good approach yet we often do just the opposite.

We naturally want to be safe but fear can have us shut down, clam up, distance ourselves, tell ourselves something different than we and others believe if we let it fully take over... often to a detrimental impact in our lives and relationships. It's hard not to... my time on that beach could have been much different on my intended divorce weekend as I faced fear in it's most raw.

Instead, we left understanding another and we have been on friendly terms ever since... no competition.

Since that beach and from that enlightenment I knew I could share openly with Cindy... I do my best to live that transparency every day.

She doesn't have a Wolfie any more... but she does have a Tigre.

I don't run and and falling shoes do not frighten me.

Sometimes you just have to trust the process...

(edited for clarity in my thoughts and writing)


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I'm beginning to believe the answer is some people just simply have the balls to dive in face first, others not so much and still others not at all.
> 
> I know my grandfathers death played a part in why I am the way I am. I was 21-22 or so. When he died the pain was too much. I literally laid on my couch that whole day mentally forcing the pain down, over and over and over, until I had it down pat. About 12 hours laying on that couch staring at the ceiling. When the pain began to rise I knew what to do. It took me a long time to realize the level of that pain was in direct proportion to how much I loved him. I thought of the pain like it was a monument to love, which is beautiful, but no way did I want to go through that again. Then the rest of life happened which then reinforced that.
> 
> I look at Tank and how he is and how he tries with me. His ex-wife was a selfish crappy person and then she cheated, he's been through the ringer. His dad was his best friend and passed away a few years ago. I know he's been through just as much as I have so what's different about him, what allows him to be so open and transparent? He's got just as much at stake. All I can come up with is that he's stuffing his fear down, drowning it out maybe. He can't be all that different than me but he's conquering his fear and I'm not, how? Strength maybe and seeing what you want and going for it and not letting anything get in the way. That's how I see him.


You know people always tell me I'm brave, and I just laugh, because I certainly don't see/feel it. We have just this one life, and I hope there's something after, but there are no guarantees, so I just want to be happy for as long as I can be, before it all ends. Happiness for me is love: familial, friends, mate. I've dealt with a lot of pain in my life, from the time I was very young, but I always came through and bounced back by the grace of God and the love of my family. 

I try not to think too much of what was, or what could be. ****, these days, I don't really care to dwell much on what IS . In the words of a very wise teacher "Do or do not, there is no try". Maybe Tank shares my outlook; do what you can forget the rest. You can't change the past or control the future, so live in the moment! You can drop dead at any moment, especially with all the **** in 2020 trying to kill us.

I realized I was clamming up the other day, so I've started to talk more about stuff going on with me. I'm just not used to that, I'm used to dealing with my own crap as it happens. When I was married, if I didn't do/organize for things to happen, it didn't, so I'm unaccustomed to discussing stuff with a partner. Thankfully he's patient, I am NOT, so I piss myself off sometimes . I'm a doer, not a dawdler.


----------



## TXTrini

PieceOfSky said:


> I don’t mean to pry. And don’t feel the need to answer.
> 
> But it’s not clear to me what some of you ladies are holding back, and in what manner?
> 
> I get that there is something you perceive yourself to be holding back. Or perhaps, you’re giving yourself freely to your partners and possibilities, but have an uneasy feeling you cannot shake?
> 
> What would it look like to you to have resolved/conquered this sort of problem? How would your life, relationship, and/or your behavior be different than it currently is?
> 
> Sorry if you said it already and I missed it.


I'll bite. My version of holding back is trying not to get too entangled emotionally until I see a clear path forward. No ILYs have been said, but the feeling is definitely there on both sides. I kinda cheated saying I thought I was falling in love with him a few months ago. After my experience, I don't want to invest in someone who won't invest in me. My guy is afraid to say the words b/c of past experiences, I get it, fear's a *****. 

I've met some of his social circle, he's met my very limited one (I'm a hermit and my family and some friends are far-flung in other countries). I told him flat out, I don't want to get closer to his peeps or meet his mom until we're something more. Imo, bf/gf is just not that serious, and I'm certainly not looking to cohabitate/marry in a hurry. 

When we "feel" more serious, I'd be more amenable to integrating my life/plans with his, until then, my focus is on my goals. Honestly, I would be happier when we voice the ILYs, even though it would be a formality. It just doesn't feel "real" to me without the words to qualify the actions. I'm a naturally affectionate person, so my behavior wouldn't change much, but I would stop reigning myself in if I felt more secure. 

I've had 3 bf's in my life and married 2 of them, so I still have a lot to learn about relationships.


----------



## TXTrini

Emerging Buddhist said:


> ...fear was my enlightenment.
> 
> We have many fears... often the longer we are with someone the more our fear can take hold, and then often we transfer if we do not take the time to understand how it came to be. For me, there was something about being in a place after all was said and done where I realized that no longer having value and being disposable was a part of change in a relationship that suffers, part of a cycle where being in a place where one simply does not belong especially if what was there was more of an endurance than what was meant to be. In the end I was just that for one... heck, I was disposable for several really but that was not meant to define who I am.
> 
> Was I the best version of me? I know my heart is better today than it has ever been but I hope not!
> 
> I trust the process of my love with AC to grow as nothing will ever remain the same... you never step into the same creek twice nor do you love exactly the same way every day.
> 
> That is not to say that promises don't hold true... you do promise many things, I have made many in my life and the intent to keep such even when it was not possible under the circumstances is what allowed me to find the peace I needed... we cannot control everything, and there are times that we will simply fail when little is in our control.
> 
> Some things I did not do very well as I learned, others came to me later as I reached different moments and clarities. A great teacher once said "Do not abandon your commitments... Just pick up where you left off". And it's true... learn to know your heart as your heart knows you.
> 
> What your heart knows is it can be afraid... and being afraid is ok.
> 
> Allowing it (fear) to control you is always the challenge.
> 
> I say that because fear can scream louder than you do... at some point you have to take a breath and realize that fear is there as a lesson if one only listens to it and a lesson does not leave you until it is learned. Fear is worrying more about how others love you than you love yourself... and loving yourself in a healthy way will lead you to a healthy place that will be shared with others so as fear is noisy, it is also noisy for a reason.
> 
> Sometimes it is the lack of patience, other times it is attention.
> 
> It also may be asking the simple things, such as asking you "to thine own self be true, so what are you going to do about it"? Well... perhaps to be honest in your ways and relations. To tear down walls, not build them is a good approach yet we often do just the opposite.
> 
> We naturally want to be safe but fear can have us shut down, clam up, distance ourselves, tell ourselves something different than we and others believe if we let it fully take over... often to a detrimental impact in our lives and relationships. It's hard not to... my time on that beach could have been much different on my intended divorce weekend as I faced fear in it's most raw.
> 
> Instead, we left understanding another and we have been on friendly terms ever since... no competition.
> 
> Since that beach and from that enlightenment I knew I could share openly with Cindy... I do my best to live that transparency every day.
> 
> She doesn't have a Wolfie any more... but she does have a Tigre.
> 
> I don't run and and falling shoes do not frighten me.
> 
> Sometimes you just have to trust the process...
> 
> (edited for clarity in my thoughts and writing)


Thank you for sharing EB. I definitely try to live "to thine own self be true", the good, bad, and the ugly. What's the point in pretending, eventually what's in the dark comes to light. 

Unfortunately, my true self is impatient and somewhat tactless, so there's that.... My adaptation to socializing with hoof-in-mouth disease was to keep my trap shut when I had nothing positive to say, so I can come across as aloof and detached at times and apparently hard to read.

It is difficult to be open and vulnerable, but I have been making small attempts to voice my thoughts in the moment instead of compartmentalizing and dealing with things later. I'm not sure what else I can do, but I am a work-in-progress.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

TXTrini said:


> Thank you for sharing EB. I definitely try to live "to thine own self be true", the good, bad, and the ugly. What's the point in pretending, eventually what's in the dark comes to light.
> 
> Unfortunately, my true self is impatient and somewhat tactless, so there's that.... My adaptation to socializing with hoof-in-mouth disease was to keep my trap shut when I had nothing positive to say, so I can come across as aloof and detached at times and apparently hard to read.
> 
> It is difficult to be open and vulnerable, but I have been making small attempts to voice my thoughts in the moment instead of compartmentalizing and dealing with things later. I'm not sure what else I can do, but I am a work-in-progress.


We are all work in progress... that is the beauty of each new day.

I almost deleted what I wrote... after re-reading it came across as too intensive to me, but I can honestly share that those 3 days of were as intense as they were transforming and was what I sometimes call my "Gandalf moment"... it was truly life-changing in how I understood my suffering.

Perhaps as close to enlightenment as I may experience in this life.

I asked AC if she though it should stay and with her encouragement I left it as I trust her dearly.

It is hard to be open and vulnerable as the truth in it is what you see is what you get, but that is also the blessing as you never have to worry about living each day differently. 

Peace be with you my friend.


----------



## Not

PieceOfSky said:


> I don’t mean to pry. And don’t feel the need to answer.
> 
> But it’s not clear to me what some of you ladies are holding back, and in what manner?
> 
> I get that there is something you perceive yourself to be holding back. Or perhaps, you’re giving yourself freely to your partners and possibilities, but have an uneasy feeling you cannot shake?
> 
> What would it look like to you to have resolved/conquered this sort of problem? How would your life, relationship, and/or your behavior be different than it currently is?
> 
> Sorry if you said it already and I missed it.


For me, I think what Tank would see from me is what you guys see here. I'm an open book here but I'm not emotionally invested here. There are times when I have something I'd like to say to him but don't. Part of that is habit, I keep my own counsel, and another part is it feels risky? Sort of. Not quite accurate.

Sometimes I feel like there's some unspoken rule to relationships that I don't understand. I'd like to be best friends as well as lovers and share everything with each other but I guess I don't know what that looks like so I fumble a lot.


----------



## WandaJ

Emerging Buddhist said:


> ...fear was my enlightenment.
> 
> Allowing it (fear) to control you is always the challenge.
> 
> I say that because fear can scream louder than you do... at some point you have to take a breath and realize that fear is there as a lesson if one only listens to it and a lesson does not leave you until it is learned. Fear is worrying more about how others love you than you love yourself... and loving yourself in a healthy way will lead you to a healthy place that will be shared with others so as fear is noisy, it is also noisy for a reason.


thank you for this paragraph. something that many of us has to work on


----------



## jlg07

TXTrini said:


> 'm just not used to that, I'm used to dealing with my own crap as it happens.


Just wanted to make a comment about this. It is admirable that you do this, but is there anything wrong with, as you do or after you take care of it, discussing it with your partner? You can TALK about this stuff -- doesn't mean you give up your respsonsibility to deal with it. Sometimes just talking can help YOU get a different view on things -- doesn't mean HE makes the decision for you.
Partners are meant to be there to HELP you with stuff like this, not control you.


----------



## notmyjamie

jlg07 said:


> Just wanted to make a comment about this. It is admirable that you do this, but is there anything wrong with, as you do or after you take care of it, discussing it with your partner? You can TALK about this stuff -- doesn't mean you give up your respsonsibility to deal with it. Sometimes just talking can help YOU get a different view on things -- doesn't mean HE makes the decision for you.
> Partners are meant to be there to HELP you with stuff like this, not control you.


I've been known to frequently say "I don't want you to solve it...I just want you to listen."


----------



## jlg07

notmyjamie said:


> I've been known to frequently say "I don't want you to solve it...I just want you to listen."


Yeah, the problem with us stupid men is that we IMMEDIATELY go to "I need to jump in and solve this".
I am way guilty of this early on in my marriage -- it took a LONG time before I realize that sometimes, my wife just wants to vent and have my sympathetic ear. Many times there is NO real "solution" so I need to constantly keep that in mind and keep my mouth shut! Just not natural I think for most men!


----------



## notmyjamie

jlg07 said:


> Yeah, the problem with us stupid men is that we IMMEDIATELY go to "I need to jump in and solve this".
> I am way guilty of this early on in my marriage -- it took a LONG time before I realize that sometimes, by wife just wants to vent and have my sympathetic ear. Many times there is NO real "solution" so I need to constantly keep that in mind and keep my mouth shut! Just not natural I think for most men!


it's good that you try at least. My boyfriend will listen and try really hard not to solve it but eventually he gives a suggestion. LOL


----------



## jlg07

So, this is a bit of my personal philosophy about men and women.
MEN think from a to b to c to...... Very linear, VERY deep. we want to go from the problem, to the solution, and then we are done and move on to the next thing.

Women are mutli-tasking machines -- they think of a, b, c, d...... ALL AT THE SAME TIME (so, ya know, WAY more capable then men), but they don't go SUPER deep on any one of those things.

Example:
Situation: going to a party at the neighbors.

Man thinks: I wonder if Joe is going to be there..... and yeah, that's it.

Woman thinks (ALL at the same time): I have to make sure I pick up the cleaning today, because I want to wear that dress, I hope the baby sitter shows up on time, I really hope that b*tch Betty isn't going to be there, I wonder if we should show up exactly on time, because I KNOW my husband will leave getting ready all to me and I have to feed the dog, get the kids dinner, make sure our clothes are ready, I wonder if the kids have finished their homework, etc..

Again ALL at the same time.

So, Men are wired to find solutions. Women are wired to find problems.

Ancillary to my philosopy:

Men: 1)want to have sex 2)want to eat, 3) want to be left alone and not bothered about anything.

Women: 1)want to have sex, 2)want to eat, 3) LOVE to be bothered about EVERYTHING (because, they think of everything all at the same time).

So, #3 is pretty much where all the issues between men and women come from.
You may argue that Men are NOT that simple, but yeah, we are. Wait! What about sports? What about politics? What about cars. Well, all of THAT is just something to do to take up time between doing #1 or #2.


----------



## RandomDude

Main issue I have with the multi-tasking is when my partner texts me. No matter what she does, whether work, studies, chores, friends, family, she never has issues texting me. And then there's me, doing like - one thing at a time, for like a few hours. And then she wonders why it took me so long to text her back. 😄 

She gets it, but she always gives me sh-t for it, because I'm a man lol. But not to worry, I give as good as I get, with playful fury I can't exactly repeat here on this forum


----------



## jlg07

So @RandomDude, tell your partner my theory so that she will understand from now on instead of giving you crap!

Oh, I forgot my corollary to this.
Ladies, if you send a man to the grocery store, and it is MORE than three things, WRITE IT DOWN if you actually want to get it.
If my wife gives me more than 3 things to remember, say 5 things, I will come back with 5 things, but it's probably NOT the 5 things she wanted. She learned that early on!


----------



## WandaJ

RandomDude said:


> Main issue I have with the multi-tasking is when my partner texts me. No matter what she does, whether work, studies, chores, friends, family, she never has issues texting me. And then there's me, doing like - one thing at a time, for like a few hours. And then she wonders why it took me so long to text her back. 😄
> 
> She gets it, but she always gives me sh-t for it, because I'm a man lol. But not to worry, I give as good as I get, with playful fury I can't exactly repeat here on this forum


lol, that might explain why I have to wait that long for the text to come back sometimes


----------



## RandomDude

@jlg07 Hahahahha she gets it (after 3 years), but doesn't stop her giving me sh-t 😄

Though I WILL be using this line when she wakes up: "So, Men are wired to find solutions. Women are wired to find problems. "
I also got my hazmat suit ready to go in anticipation of her reaction! 



> Oh, I forgot my corollary to this.
> Ladies, if you send a man to the grocery store, and it is MORE than three things, WRITE IT DOWN if you actually want to get it.
> If my wife gives me more than 3 things to remember, say 5 things, I will come back with 5 things, but it's probably NOT the 5 things she wanted. She learned that early on!


Yeah she gives me sh-t for this too, calls it my "goldfish memory" lol


----------



## RandomDude

WandaJ said:


> lol, that might explain why I have to wait that long for the text to come back sometimes


Lol would almost guarantee it 😄


----------



## Not

jlg07 said:


> So, this is a bit of my personal philosophy about men and women.
> MEN think from a to b to c to...... Very linear, VERY deep. we want to go from the problem, to the solution, and then we are done and move on to the next thing.
> 
> Women are mutli-tasking machines -- they think of a, b, c, d...... ALL AT THE SAME TIME (so, ya know, WAY more capable then men), but they don't go SUPER deep on any one of those things.
> 
> Example:
> Situation: going to a party at the neighbors.
> 
> Man thinks: I wonder if Joe is going to be there..... and yeah, that's it.
> 
> Woman thinks (ALL at the same time): I have to make sure I pick up the cleaning today, because I want to wear that dress, I hope the baby sitter shows up on time, I really hope that b*tch Betty isn't going to be there, I wonder if we should show up exactly on time, because I KNOW my husband will leave getting ready all to me and I have to feed the dog, get the kids dinner, make sure our clothes are ready, I wonder if the kids have finished their homework, etc..
> 
> Again ALL at the same time.
> 
> So, Men are wired to find solutions. Women are wired to find problems.
> 
> Ancillary to my philosopy:
> 
> Men: 1)want to have sex 2)want to eat, 3) want to be left alone and not bothered about anything.
> 
> Women: 1)want to have sex, 2)want to eat, 3) LOVE to be bothered about EVERYTHING (because, they think of everything all at the same time).
> 
> So, #3 is pretty much where all the issues between men and women come from.
> You may argue that Men are NOT that simple, but yeah, we are. Wait! What about sports? What about politics? What about cars. Well, all of THAT is just something to do to take up time between doing #1 or #2.


I agree with all of that. I know that I tend to look at all possible scenarios, figure out what could go wrong and then figure out the solutions before the problems have a chance to rear their head! BF tells me I overthink lol! I can't imagine thinking like a man, not the way you describe lol!


----------



## WandaJ

Not said:


> I agree with all of that. I know that I tend to look at all possible scenarios, figure out what could go wrong and then figure out the solutions before the problems have a chance to rear their head! BF tells me I overthink lol! I can't imagine thinking like a man, not the way you describe lol!


yeah, looking for problems everywhere, me too....


----------



## TXTrini

Emerging Buddhist said:


> We are all work in progress... that is the beauty of each new day.
> 
> I almost deleted what I wrote... after re-reading it came across as too intensive to me, but I can honestly share that those 3 days of were as intense as they were transforming and was what I sometimes call my "Gandalf moment"... it was truly life-changing in how I understood my suffering.
> 
> Perhaps as close to enlightenment as I may experience in this life.
> 
> I asked AC if she though it should stay and with her encouragement I left it as I trust her dearly.
> 
> It is hard to be open and vulnerable as the truth in it is what you see is what you get, but that is also the blessing as you never have to worry about living each day differently.
> 
> Peace be with you my friend.


Thank you EB. I'm glad you didn't delete it, some things cannot be explained too succinctly or the message gets lost. 

I had experiences throughout childhood into adulthood that taught me vulnerability painted a target on my back from people who were supposed to love and protect me, so I learned to keep my own counsel. I am not used to discussing my problems or showing weakness. I am the person everyone looks to in crisis and is perfectly calm and does what must be done, regardless of how I feel. 

I let my guard down completely with my ex, I thought he was my best friend, but he hadn't been in a long time, even before things went sour. I endured more than I should in my marriage, b/c I didn't want to give up so easily. I fought hard, but I fought alone in the end. 

I'm not sure what vulnerability in daily life is supposed to look like, quite frankly, but I want to learn. That seems to be the key to having the kind of relationship I want. I am tired of being the lone wolf.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> For me, I think what Tank would see from me is what you guys see here. I'm an open book here but I'm not emotionally invested here. There are times when I have something I'd like to say to him but don't. Part of that is habit, I keep my own counsel, and another part is it feels risky? Sort of. Not quite accurate.
> 
> Sometimes I feel like there's some unspoken rule to relationships that I don't understand. I'd like to be best friends as well as lovers and share everything with each other but I guess I don't know what that looks like so I fumble a lot.


Dayum girl, we really are twins! Come here sister _smacks yo ass_👋🍑



Not said:


> I agree with all of that. I know that I tend to look at all possible scenarios, figure out what could go wrong and then figure out the solutions before the problems have a chance to rear their head! BF tells me I overthink lol! I can't imagine thinking like a man, not the way you describe lol!


Yup, yup and yup. This is not a conscious process for me, I can see possibilities in some situations immediately and automatically react to head off the **** before it hitteth the fan. My bf also tells me I overthink ****, but he has to eat crow, b/c I'm only too happy to point out that he does it too.


----------



## TXTrini

jlg07 said:


> Just wanted to make a comment about this. It is admirable that you do this, but is there anything wrong with, as you do or after you take care of it, discussing it with your partner? You can TALK about this stuff -- doesn't mean you give up your respsonsibility to deal with it. Sometimes just talking can help YOU get a different view on things -- doesn't mean HE makes the decision for you.
> Partners are meant to be there to HELP you with stuff like this, not control you.


I'm used to just dealing with stuff and moving on. I HATE to complain, it annoys me 🤣, can't very well piss my own self off on the reg, it would drive me up a wall. I like my peace, that's why meditation is awesome to GTFO out of my own head when I have trouble shutting my mind off to sleep.



jlg07 said:


> Yeah, the problem with us stupid men is that we IMMEDIATELY go to "I need to jump in and solve this".
> I am way guilty of this early on in my marriage -- it took a LONG time before I realize that sometimes, my wife just wants to vent and have my sympathetic ear. Many times there is NO real "solution" so I need to constantly keep that in mind and keep my mouth shut! Just not natural I think for most men!


I guess I must be a man then. I instantly start to problem-solve and have to bite my tongue not to irritate the crap out of people.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

TXTrini said:


> Thank you EB. I'm glad you didn't delete it, some things cannot be explained too succinctly or the message gets lost.
> 
> I had experiences throughout childhood into adulthood that taught me vulnerability painted a target on my back from people who were supposed to love and protect me, so I learned to keep my own counsel. I am not used to discussing my problems or showing weakness. I am the person everyone looks to in crisis and is perfectly calm and does what must be done, regardless of how I feel.
> 
> I let my guard down completely with my ex, I thought he was my best friend, but he hadn't been in a long time, even before things went sour. I endured more than I should in my marriage, b/c I didn't want to give up so easily. I fought hard, but I fought alone in the end.
> 
> I'm not sure what vulnerability in daily life is supposed to look like, quite frankly, but I want to learn. That seems to be the key to having the kind of relationship I want. I am tired of being the lone wolf.


Vulnerability and walls go hand in hand... if you look at it like a see-saw:

If your wall goes up, you feel safer and less vulnerable.

If the wall goes down, vulnerability is now fully open as it rises to the top of the teeter.

When we hide behind our fears, we never get to see what is past the wall... that is the making friends with the fears in our lives I talk about. Yes it opens up to many things that might turn abusive, but if it goes that way whose behavior is not the right effort, those who abuse or ours?

That is when you have to look with compassion and say "I can be myself and learn when I am wrong, I will offer you the same compassion unless our actions do not show loving ourselves, and another more"

That is when we find strength and happiness alone, too often we double down on the suffering instead of understanding why we have suffered.

Like you, I was alone far too long in my last relationship... taking the time to understand what that grew is now how I water my love for and with Cindy.

What right efforts did you learn?


----------



## TXTrini

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Vulnerability and walls go hand in hand... if you look at it like a see-saw:
> 
> If your wall goes up, you feel safer and less vulnerable.
> 
> If the wall goes down, vulnerability is now fully open as it rises to the top of the teeter.
> 
> When we hide behind our fears, we never get to see what is past the wall... that is the making friends with the fears in our lives I talk about. Yes it opens up to many things that might turn abusive, but if it goes that way whose behavior is not the right effort, those who abuse or ours?
> 
> That is when you have to look with compassion and say "I can be myself and learn when I am wrong, I will offer you the same compassion unless our actions do not show loving ourselves, and another more"
> 
> That is when we find strength and happiness alone, too often we double down on the suffering instead of understanding why we have suffered.
> 
> Like you, I was alone far too long in my last relationship... taking the time to understand what that grew is now how I water my love for and with Cindy.
> 
> What right efforts did you learn?


I have thought a lot about when things went wrong, what I could have done better during the process of letting go. There were some things beyond my control (medical issues- chronic illness, major surgeries, etc), and I don't know what else I could have done to deal with it. In the end, I was on a few different anti-meds (been off one since the move, maybe 9 months or so, off the other a year before that) just to cope. I realize I needed help when I would randomly burst into crying fits (I HATE to cry, it makes me physically ill, so I avoid it as much as possible) just like that. All this time, he was pretending to be caring and affectionate (no sex though) while screwing someone else.

Some things I learned were:
-_ Better communication_- I need to stand up for myself and not just accept being stonewalled, "hoping" things will change. I realized I did not stand up for my needs (physical touch, quality time, acts of service), while still trying to provide his. It turns out he lied about his needs (did the exercise as part of therapy), he claimed it was quality time and physical touch, but judging from the things he said he got out of his affair, it may be affirmation and quality time for things HE likes to do (gaming, going to concerts)

- _Better stress management_ - I don't crack under pressure, I become more self-contained and that can seem like I am pulling away. I think I was also depressed, as hard as it is to admit that. Mental illness is still very taboo in the Caribbean. I mistook the physical pain and lack of energy for symptoms of my chronic illness, it occurs much less frequently now, when I'm overextended and need to skip a beat.

- _Knowing when to walk_ - I told my ex before we married infidelity was an automatic divorce, I didn't leave him after the first of 2 EAs and the 2nd went full-blown EA/PA. I found it hard to throw away half of my life of loving someone, and it ended up worse than if I walked immediately. It was hard to give up after overcoming family death, multiple job losses, major medical illness together. I made all sorts of excuses why I needed to stick it out. Failure really rankles me, I suppose I just didn't want to fail at another marriage.

Going forward, I'm trying to figure **** out one day at a time. After reading the horror stories on here, I thought it would be a while before I met anyone who "spoke to me", but I did. Luckily for me, he's very patient, unluckily for me, he's very perceptive and accurate with his assessments . I've been trying so hard not to "overdo", I am afraid of being taken for granted again.

Only time will tell if we can make it for the long haul, but he wants to try, even though he knows I am still putting myself back together. I try to put forward a balanced view of who I am, good and bad, to avoid unrealistic expectations and another mismatch of priorities. I like that he calls me on my BS, but isn't assholish about it, that's kinda hot . He cringes when I get into a political tirade (he hates politics and doesn't follow as closely), but I try to be mindful not to do that too much.

I like what I see so far, he's very measured and steady, and strangely enough, it makes me feel safe. I am more emotional and headstrong and it can be a real effort to reign things in.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Yup, yup and yup. This is not a conscious process for me, I can see possibilities in some situations immediately and automatically react to head off the *** before it hitteth the fan. My bf also tells me I overthink ***, but he has to eat crow, b/c I'm only too happy to point out that he does it too.


Yes, unconscious for me too, it's just the way my mind works. In some situations, like the party example, it's useful but in personal situations not as much lol! 

Tank overthinks too, I just do it more. One weekend he thought something was bothering me when I arrived when I was actually perfectly content and quite happy. He likes to try to read me but gets it wrong at times and that has caused issues because then he thinks I'm keeping something from him then he gets worried something's wrong. Total over thinker at times lol! I think men are just as prone to overthinking as women are when emotionally invested, especially in new relationships.


----------



## AVR1962

Changing the subject here.....an update, it's been a whirlwind. Many of you might recall I dated a dentist back in 2017, we broke up and I had a hard time moving forward. As mentioned here previously, he contacted me on July 4 of this year wanting to talk. He had prostate cancer and was scheduled for surgery. I supported him thru the surgery....realize I was still dating the ER doc who I have referred to as "tiger." I open with ER doc and told him about the dentist and that I was planning to support the dentist in his journey. My head was swimming for a couple weeks as here the man I had had such a hard time moving forward from was back in my life and gushing all over me once again with compliments, telling me he was wrong to not support me before, told me that he was ready to tell his family about me, wanted me to know that he was serious about me, told me he loved me. It was everything I wanted to hear but I knew how things had gone before and I was going to listen but keep my eyes wide open.

Surgery was a success, lymph nodes came back clean so no cancer, hooray!!!!! 6 weeks after surgery he tells me that he is still in love with the woman he was dating before me....she had passed away. he told me he needed time to himself that weekend. We saw each other the next weekend, showed up to his house and he'd been drinking and this was the the first time he'd been drinking before we met up but this time the alcohol was taking effect. The next weekend he tells me he really needs time to work on his things around the house and asked if we could see each other every other weekend until he gets his health back in order. 

For those who do not know, when a man has prostate surgery they become impotent for a time so as much as he tried that was a missing part of our relationship. He had not told his family about me which I suspected would be the case. So I told him I felt he was not ready for a relationship and I needed to move on. I told him I was happy to have been part of his support thru his surgery and recovery and wished him well, told him I hoped we could remain friends. This absolutely was NOT easy in any way. I have felt terrible, I had real feelings for the man and I know what he was dealing with post-op but I can't wait a year, or whatever it would take, for him to deal with his dead girlfriend and recover fully from surgery. I chose in my best interest.


----------



## bkyln309

AVR1962 said:


> Changing the subject here.....an update, it's been a whirlwind. Many of you might recall I dated a dentist back in 2017, we broke up and I had a hard time moving forward. As mentioned here previously, he contacted me on July 4 of this year wanting to talk. He had prostate cancer and was scheduled for surgery. I supported him thru the surgery....realize I was still dating the ER doc who I have referred to as "tiger." I open with ER doc and told him about the dentist and that I was planning to support the dentist in his journey. My head was swimming for a couple weeks as here the man I had had such a hard time moving forward from was back in my life and gushing all over me once again with compliments, telling me he was wrong to not support me before, told me that he was ready to tell his family about me, wanted me to know that he was serious about me, told me he loved me. It was everything I wanted to hear but I knew how things had gone before and I was going to listen but keep my eyes wide open.
> 
> Surgery was a success, lymph nodes came back clean so no cancer, hooray!!!!! 6 weeks after surgery he tells me that he is still in love with the woman he was dating before me....she had passed away. he told me he needed time to himself that weekend. We saw each other the next weekend, showed up to his house and he'd been drinking and this was the the first time he'd been drinking before we met up but this time the alcohol was taking effect. The next weekend he tells me he really needs time to work on his things around the house and asked if we could see each other every other weekend until he gets his health back in order.
> 
> For those who do not know, when a man has prostate surgery they become impotent for a time so as much as he tried that was a missing part of our relationship. He had not told his family about me which I suspected would be the case. So I told him I felt he was not ready for a relationship and I needed to move on. I told him I was happy to have been part of his support thru his surgery and recovery and wished him well, told him I hoped we could remain friends. This absolutely was NOT easy in any way. I have felt terrible, I had real feelings for the man and I know what he was dealing with post-op but I can't wait a year, or whatever it would take, for him to deal with his dead girlfriend and recover fully from surgery. I chose in my best interest.


He used you plain and simple. He played on your sympathies because he needed someone there for him. Once his surgery was over, he blew you back into the wind. I hope you block him and have nothing to do with him. Sounds like you have a very co-dependent relationship with him .

I hope you look into yourself and see how you can put your best interests first. This was not healthy for you in anyway and speaks of work that needs to be done within yourself. Being friends with him is not in your best mental interest. He will take from any "friendship" you have and not give anything back to you. Dont fool yourself. You deserve better! You need to be in a relationship that is going to foster a healthy mindset. This relationship is not that.


----------



## PieceOfSky

AVR1962 said:


> I chose in my best interest.


Good for you. You deserve it. Anyone does.


----------



## WandaJ

I am sorry @AVR1962 , but that man is bad news for you. Don't let him in your life, you are not his first choice.

What about ER doctor - is he still around, or this pushed him away?


----------



## AVR1962

WandaJ said:


> I am sorry @AVR1962 , but that man is bad news for you. Don't let him in your life, you are not his first choice.
> 
> What about ER doctor - is he still around, or this pushed him away?


ER doc is still in my life. I was so confused for the longest time as the dentist had really left a mark on me 3 years ago when we broke up so his coming back in my life initially, I thought was the answer and it was what I wanted so I broke things off with ER doc but ER doc was not having it and asked me to go away with him so we could spend time together and I took him up on it. He did tell me that if I really did not want to see him he would honor that. I continued to see them both and then when the dentist said what he did my choice was clear. ER doc is a good man....he honors his word, he means what he says. He does not come on with lots of empty charming statements, he is genuine. We have been together for 16 months now.


----------



## WandaJ

AVR1962 said:


> ER doc is still in my life. I was so confused for the longest time as the dentist had really left a mark on me 3 years ago when we broke up so his coming back in my life initially, I thought was the answer and it was what I wanted so I broke things off with ER doc but ER doc was not having it and asked me to go away with him so we could spend time together and I took him up on it. He did tell me that if I really did not want to see him he would honor that. I continued to see them both and then when the dentist said what he did my choice was clear. ER doc is a good man....he honors his word, he means what he says. He does not come on with lots of empty charming statements, he is genuine. We have been together for 16 months now.


ER doc sounds great. Is he YOUR FIRST CHOICE?


----------



## jlg07

AVR1962 said:


> ER doc is still in my life. I was so confused for the longest time as the dentist had really left a mark on me 3 years ago when we broke up so his coming back in my life initially, I thought was the answer and it was what I wanted so I broke things off with ER doc but ER doc was not having it and asked me to go away with him so we could spend time together and I took him up on it. He did tell me that if I really did not want to see him he would honor that. I continued to see them both and then when the dentist said what he did my choice was clear. ER doc is a good man....he honors his word, he means what he says. He does not come on with lots of empty charming statements, he is genuine. We have been together for 16 months now.


I have to say that honestly, you are lucky that ER Doc decided to stay around while you went back to the dentist.
Clearly the dentist is full of it. He didn't talk to you since 2017, but he's "Still in love with you"? Umm, I find that hard to believe esp. after not talking with you for so long.
I think you are MUCH better off with the ER Doc -- he sounds much more mature, and a together person.


----------



## TXTrini

AVR1962 said:


> ER doc is still in my life. I was so confused for the longest time as the dentist had really left a mark on me 3 years ago when we broke up so his coming back in my life initially, I thought was the answer and it was what I wanted so I broke things off with ER doc but ER doc was not having it and asked me to go away with him so we could spend time together and I took him up on it. He did tell me that if I really did not want to see him he would honor that. I continued to see them both and then when the dentist said what he did my choice was clear. ER doc is a good man....he honors his word, he means what he says. He does not come on with lots of empty charming statements, he is genuine. We have been together for 16 months now.


What's there to be confused about? An ex is an ex for a reason, why did you and the dentist break up? He sounds like a complete douche, turning up 3 yrs later to use you as a pillar. ER doctor see,s to be getting the short end of the stick here, you're lucky he still wants anything to do with you.


WandaJ said:


> ER doc sounds great. Is he YOUR FIRST CHOICE?


If he were, I doubt she'd be confused by the douche dentist. This isn't fair to ER Dr, unless you guys are in an open relationship or FWB. What's the deal?


----------



## Affaircare

@AVR1962 ,

At this point your actions have shown ER doc that if someone you perceive as “better” comes along, that you will leave him and try to come back when the going doesn’t go so good. Your words may not have said that, but your actions did. Thus I think it would be reasonable for you to use your mature mind and decide who you choose to be with BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE THEM ABOVE ALL OTHERS and then be more serious about commitment. If your choice is ER doc, then take the next 6-9 months proving your commitment to him.


----------



## TXTrini

jlg07 said:


> I have to say that honestly, you are lucky that ER Doc decided to stay around while you went back to the dentist.
> Clearly the dentist is full of it. He didn't talk to you since 2017, but he's "Still in love with you"? Umm, I find that hard to believe esp. after not talking with you for so long.
> I think you are MUCH better off with the ER Doc -- he sounds much more mature, and a together person.


But is ER Dr better off with her? I'm obviously too conservative to be playing (presumably screwing) multiple men, so my principles may not align if all three (and more if other women are involved) have a free for all arrangement.


----------



## WandaJ

AVR1962 said:


> ER doc is still in my life. I was so confused for the longest time as the dentist had really left a mark on me 3 years ago when we broke up so his coming back in my life initially, I thought was the answer and it was what I wanted so I broke things off with ER doc but ER doc was not having it and asked me to go away with him so we could spend time together and I took him up on it. He did tell me that if I really did not want to see him he would honor that. I continued to see them both and then when the dentist said what he did my choice was clear. ER doc is a good man....he honors his word, he means what he says. He does not come on with lots of empty charming statements, he is genuine. We have been together for 16 months now.


@AVR1962 - all your focus now should be on showing your ER doc that this was a lapse in judgement, and he is as important to you as you are to him. He waited for you, but his heart got broken. 
Make sure that he not just a safe choice for you, but you really do care about him. It is complicated, I know, and you have to put things in the right order in your head. Good luck!


----------



## Blondilocks

@AVR1962 traditionally likes to chase her men. It can be seen as a conquest thing for her. When dentist dumped her, she felt rejected and then jumped at the chance to win him. Those who play hard to get usually aren't worth the getting. I hope she finds the path to her happiness, soon.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Blondilocks said:


> @AVR1962 traditionally likes to chase her men. It can be seen as a conquest thing for her. When dentist dumped her, she felt rejected and then jumped at the chance to win him. Those who play hard to get usually aren't worth the getting. I hope she finds the path to her happiness, soon.


Dude...I saw the initial post earlier and decided to try not to ruin anyones Friday. But DAYum.

Truth: Wish I knew the ER Doc so I could tell him to run like Forrest. If AVR is the age of her handle @ being born in 1962, you are too old for these games. You need some introspection...unless you just need someone to pay the bills. Really...er doc? dentist? Shop much?










Ps: Thank you CC forever for this gif 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort

Blondilocks said:


> @AVR1962 traditionally likes to chase her men. It can be seen as a conquest thing for her. When dentist dumped her, she felt rejected and then jumped at the chance to win him. Those who play hard to get usually aren't worth the getting. I hope she finds the path to her happiness, soon.


I don't know her well enough to know if the part about her preferring to chase is true, but IMO it's always better if a guy chases you. Men are basically lazy in that they will often go for a woman they aren't interested enough in to actually chase if she makes it easy, but they're not fully invested.

When a guy is interested he'll chase you provided you let him know you're interested. That's how you weed out the ones who really want you.


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## AVR1962

Blondilocks said:


> @AVR1962 traditionally likes to chase her men. It can be seen as a conquest thing for her. When dentist dumped her, she felt rejected and then jumped at the chance to win him. Those who play hard to get usually aren't worth the getting. I hope she finds the path to her happiness, soon.


Blondilocks, you continue to amaze me. I have read your responses to various post. I just get the feel you are someone with chip on your shoulder.....always pointing a finger but can never show compassion. Not chasing any men here, trust me!!!!!


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## AVR1962

Elizabeth001 said:


> Dude...I saw the initial post earlier and decided to try not to ruin anyones Friday. But DAYum.
> 
> Truth: Wish I knew the ER Doc so I could tell him to run like Forrest. If AVR is the age of her handle @ being born in 1962, you are too old for these games. You need some introspection...unless you just need someone to pay the bills. Really...er doc? dentist? Shop much?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ps: Thank you CC forever for this gif
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


REALLY???? Geesh!!!! Unbelievable....do not need anyone to pay my freakin' bills. Yeah, 1962 and the men are my age....how amazing is that?


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## AVR1962

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't know her well enough to know if the part about her preferring to chase is true, but IMO it's always better if a guy chases you. Men are basically lazy in that they will often go for a woman they aren't interested enough in to actually chase if she makes it easy, but they're not fully invested.
> 
> When a guy is interested he'll chase you provided you let him know you're interested. That's how you weed out the ones who really want you.


EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## AVR1962

WandaJ said:


> ER doc sounds great. Is he YOUR FIRST CHOICE?


No, actually this has a been a very slow burner and that is why I entertained the thought of the dentist. The dentist is extremely charming, all words and looks....oh my goodness!!!!! ER doc is kind of the man that fall on the way-side and no one notices him because people aren't paying attention. Mr Flattery Dude (dentist) is raking the people in, he has the gift of gab while ER doc is wondering why no one takes him seriously.....you know what I am saying? When I listen to the two men and see how they respond to me, it is hands down that ER doc is genuine while the dentist is playing a game.


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## AVR1962

jlg07 said:


> I have to say that honestly, you are lucky that ER Doc decided to stay around while you went back to the dentist.
> Clearly the dentist is full of it. He didn't talk to you since 2017, but he's "Still in love with you"? Umm, I find that hard to believe esp. after not talking with you for so long.
> I think you are MUCH better off with the ER Doc -- he sounds much more mature, and a together person.


Exactly!!!!


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## AVR1962

TXTrini said:


> What's there to be confused about? An ex is an ex for a reason, why did you and the dentist break up? He sounds like a complete douche, turning up 3 yrs later to use you as a pillar. ER doctor see,s to be getting the short end of the stick here, you're lucky he still wants anything to do with you.
> 
> If he were, I doubt she'd be confused by the douche dentist. This isn't fair to ER Dr, unless you guys are in an open relationship or FWB. What's the deal?


I think he was running scared actually. The dentist is a deep thinker and being diagnosed with cancer I feel made him think his life was at its end. He had moved on with his life after we broke up but he knew I was hurt from the break up and I feel he wanted to clean his slate before he left this world. 

With ER doc, our agreement from day one was that we would either grow together or grow apart but we agreed to be "without obligation" to one another so we enjoy our time together for what it is. I cannot be locked down right now. I have to know who the person is before I decide this is the one for me......I sometimes think my thoughts are more like a man. I realize it takes many aspects to make a relationship work, it also takes time, and there are certain avenues I am not willing to go and only time can tell me what is right for me.


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## AVR1962

Affaircare said:


> @AVR1962 ,
> 
> At this point your actions have shown ER doc that if someone you perceive as “better” comes along, that you will leave him and try to come back when the going doesn’t go so good. Your words may not have said that, but your actions did. Thus I think it would be reasonable for you to use your mature mind and decide who you choose to be with BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE THEM ABOVE ALL OTHERS and then be more serious about commitment. If your choice is ER doc, then take the next 6-9 months proving your commitment to him.


Here is my trouble with ER doc and this is where my head gets so conflicted......he is amazing in sooooo many ways and at this point I cannot see myself with someone else but here is my hang-up....communication. When I broke things off with the man I told him that we were not seeing each other enough and that it felt to me like we were more like friend with benefits which was something I did not want. His reply was that he sure hoped that I didn't see us as just friends with benefits because we are more than that. We really are amazing together, he is like my best friend but there is little communication between the times we see each other. He does go to the extra effort to please, he is real sweet that way. I know he is attracted to me, that is obvious.


----------



## jlg07

AVR1962 said:


> Exactly!!!!


So, then you need to decide to devote your efforts to the ER doc and NOT let anyone else manipulate you away from him. Give the guy a chance!
And from your other stuff, giving him a chance doesn't mean being locked down.
BUT I will tell you this - if you continue to play the field and NOT be exclusive to him, he will see that you really DO see him as nothing more than FWB, and he will move on.

I am a guy, and if I was dating a woman seriously who did what you did (went BACK to the other guy and then came back) I know I would feel like "wow, i'm plan b, and I really don't want to be anyone's plan b".


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## Blondilocks

AVR1962 said:


> Blondilocks, you continue to amaze me. I have read your responses to various post. I just get the feel you are someone with chip on your shoulder.....always pointing a finger but can never show compassion. Not chasing any men here, trust me!!!!!


You don't need me to remind you of how your second marriage started out and played out. If a man never tells you he loves you and never makes a sexual advancement (not even the first), you can figure he isn't into you. You consistently ignore red flags that would have any other woman running for the hills. 

Sometimes, a crying towel isn't what's needed. Take off the blinders and examine your history. Your first husband used you, your second husband used you and the dentist used you. Don't you deserve better? Don't you want better?


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## TXTrini

AVR1962 said:


> No, actually this has a been a very slow burner and that is why I entertained the thought of the dentist. The dentist is extremely charming, all words and looks....oh my goodness!!!!! ER doc is kind of the man that fall on the way-side and no one notices him because people aren't paying attention. Mr Flattery Dude (dentist) is raking the people in, he has the gift of gab while ER doc is wondering why no one takes him seriously.....you know what I am saying? When I listen to the two men and see how they respond to me, it is hands down that ER doc is genuine while the dentist is playing a game.





AVR1962 said:


> I think he was running scared actually. The dentist is a deep thinker and being diagnosed with cancer I feel made him think his life was at its end. He had moved on with his life after we broke up but he knew I was hurt from the break up and I feel he wanted to clean his slate before he left this world.
> 
> With ER doc, our agreement from day one was that we would either grow together or grow apart but we agreed to be "without obligation" to one another so we enjoy our time together for what it is. I cannot be locked down right now. I have to know who the person is before I decide this is the one for me......I sometimes think my thoughts are more like a man. I realize it takes many aspects to make a relationship work, it also takes time, and there are certain avenues I am not willing to go and only time can tell me what is right for me.


Honestly, I don't see how anyone; man or woman can be flitting around between multiple partners at the same time and expect to go beyond being a FWB to any of them. That seems to be shooting yourself in the foot if you really want a relationship at all. How is dating one person at a time to determine compatibility being locked down? Heck, even marrying someone doesn't mean you're locked down if it goes tits up. 

I don't care if someone's about to croak, they have no right to use someone's feelings to give themselves a soft cushion when they need it. You said he told you he was still in love with his dead ex after he suckered you with false words, total **** move. Mofo must be seriously smoking with a rockin body and magic **** to be given a 2nd thought after all that BS.

It doesn't sound like ER doc can ever compete, b/c he simply isn't giving you what you need and it sounds like you don't think he's hot, so why bother with him? 16 months and you don't know if he's a good fit sounds like you're best walking away from both men.


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## lifeistooshort

AVR1962 said:


> I think he was running scared actually. The dentist is a deep thinker and being diagnosed with cancer I feel made him think his life was at its end. He had moved on with his life after we broke up but he knew I was hurt from the break up and I feel he wanted to clean his slate before he left this world.
> 
> With ER doc, our agreement from day one was that we would either grow together or grow apart but we agreed to be "without obligation" to one another so we enjoy our time together for what it is. I cannot be locked down right now. I have to know who the person is before I decide this is the one for me......I sometimes think my thoughts are more like a man. I realize it takes many aspects to make a relationship work, it also takes time, and there are certain avenues I am not willing to go and only time can tell me what is right for me.


Girlfriend, the dentist may or may not be a deep thinker but it's clear that he's a user. His behavior broadcasts that he waa happy to use you when he thought his end might be near and he didn't have any options. As soon as he realized he was going to live that meant options, and he conveniently decides he's still in love with ex gf. That's a crock of ****.. he's just not that into you and that was the line of ******** he gave you.

And frankly if its true that your two husbands used you then you have a pattern here you haven't broken. If ER doc doesn't do it for you that's fine, but deal with your pattern of accepting users. Once a guy is willing to drop you then **** him.

I'm divorced twice too, and I've done a lot of therapy and soul searching. Let's just say that my current guy is different, but I'm crazy about him. He's very different from my two exes and not ONCE has he been hesitant about me.

Please do not accept a guy who pops in and out of your life.


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## RandomDude

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm divorced twice too, and I've done a lot of therapy and soul searching. Let's just say that my current guy is different, but I'm crazy about him. He's very different from my two exes and not ONCE has he been hesitant about me.
> Please do not accept a guy who pops in and out of your life.


Yeah I believe people need to raise their standards in general.
When I told my partner how I treated my ex-wife she couldn't believe it, no transparency, no vulnerability, man-caving, love but not in love. Comparing that to how I treat my partner who I went all-in with, think it's important people don't waste their time with someone who clearly isn't that interested.


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## AVR1962

TXTrini said:


> What's there to be confused about? An ex is an ex for a reason, why did you and the dentist break up? He sounds like a complete douche, turning up 3 yrs later to use you as a pillar. ER doctor see,s to be getting the short end of the stick here, you're lucky he still wants anything to do with you.
> 
> If he were, I doubt she'd be confused by the douche dentist. This isn't fair to ER Dr, unless you guys are in an open relationship or FWB. What's the deal?


When we met (the ER doc and I) basically I told him that ultimately I would one day want to remarry but I was not rushing into anything, it had to be the right person as I am not planning to do this again unless I feel sure, he said he felt the same. I told him that either we will grow together or grow apart and only time will tell that. We agreed to date without obligation to each other. We have done more together than anyone I have ever dated and for the most part he is the one with the ideas which I have really enjoyed. He and I have truly got to know one another, he asks all kinds of questions which most guys do not ask so it has felt more on the table and transparent. He knows more about me than anyone and he has told me all kinds of things he could have easily kept to himself. He has told me he appreciates me, I know he is attracted to me. Being with him makes me happy and I am comfortable with him. 

I have kept some emotional distance as I have wanted to really get to know him well before jumping into more. He has 3 children still in school....ages 10, 15, 17....oldest is a senior in high school this year. I was in a marriage for 24 years and it was a step family situation that did not turn out well. There was a great deal of rejection, problems with the bio mom saying things to try to keep her position in her children's lives and she did not want to allow them to love me, my ex was very cowardly and not supportive. Due to those experiences I have not pushed for more with this man. I could not deal with another rejection from a family I am trying to get to know. My kids are all grown and on their own. We talk about his kids and mine, I feel like I know his kids but we have not talked about meeting. 

When we are apart there is little communication. I know is a bit overwhelmed with work right now as his unit has changed management and he is now working more hours with less pay and is looking for another position due to the situation. He will work 24 hours, sleep the next day and have to hit another 24 hour shift. He has his kids 4 days every other week and 1 day every week so he is a busy man. 
As much as I dislike the term and the thought it seems like a friends with benefits relationship. I once mentioned this to him and he told me that we were much more than that and he hoped I didn't see it that way but to me that is what it feel like.


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## lifeistooshort

To my mind you're either exclusive or you're FWB. We all have some degree of emotional investment in our friends, so what's the difference?

I suppose you could argue that a FWB situation doesn't have exclusivity or anything long term as a goal/possibility, but the lines are blurry when you have multiple people in your life and even in a FWB situation it's seldom that one doesn't develop more attachment..

And sex without being exclusive is risky anyway. My guy and i never had a talk specifically about being exclusive, but we did talk about sex with others being a no go. Neither of us wants to be exposed to anything, so the end result of that is that we're exclusive.

I wouldn't waste my time with this stuff. If you aren't getting what you need then end it and look elsewhere.


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## jlg07

The other issue AVR1962, YOU view the ER Dr as FWB, non-exclusive. HE is viewing this as way more than FWB and has said that to you. I bet HE thinks it's exclusive.

You either need to be really blunt and TELL him you are not that into him, or there will be a ton of heartache down the line.


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## TXTrini

AVR1962 said:


> When we met (the ER doc and I) basically I told him that ultimately I would one day want to remarry but I was not rushing into anything, it had to be the right person as I am not planning to do this again unless I feel sure, he said he felt the same. I told him that either we will grow together or grow apart and only time will tell that. We agreed to date without obligation to each other. We have done more together than anyone I have ever dated and for the most part he is the one with the ideas which I have really enjoyed. He and I have truly got to know one another, he asks all kinds of questions which most guys do not ask so it has felt more on the table and transparent. He knows more about me than anyone and he has told me all kinds of things he could have easily kept to himself. He has told me he appreciates me, I know he is attracted to me. Being with him makes me happy and I am comfortable with him.
> 
> I have kept some emotional distance as I have wanted to really get to know him well before jumping into more. He has 3 children still in school....ages 10, 15, 17....oldest is a senior in high school this year. I was in a marriage for 24 years and it was a step family situation that did not turn out well. There was a great deal of rejection, problems with the bio mom saying things to try to keep her position in her children's lives and she did not want to allow them to love me, my ex was very cowardly and not supportive. Due to those experiences I have not pushed for more with this man. I could not deal with another rejection from a family I am trying to get to know. My kids are all grown and on their own. We talk about his kids and mine, I feel like I know his kids but we have not talked about meeting.
> 
> When we are apart there is little communication. I know is a bit overwhelmed with work right now as his unit has changed management and he is now working more hours with less pay and is looking for another position due to the situation. He will work 24 hours, sleep the next day and have to hit another 24 hour shift. He has his kids 4 days every other week and 1 day every week so he is a busy man.
> As much as I dislike the term and the thought it seems like a friends with benefits relationship. I once mentioned this to him and he told me that we were much more than that and he hoped I didn't see it that way but to me that is what it feel like.


I'm just over a year out from when I filed for divorce and have been divorced for about 6 months now. I also happened to meet a man I really hit it off with and while he REALLY frustrated me at the beginning with less communication that I wanted, I couldn't imagine seeing anyone else at the same time. Instead, I told him we'd be best off going our separate ways b/c we seemed to want different things or at least thought differently on how to achieve them wrt communication. 

Right now my focus is on rebuilding my life and I have to be selfish, so I totally understand what you mean by not being in a hurry to get remarried or get too emotionally invested in someone who seemingly isn't invested in you. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to remarry, but like you, I am open to the possibility with the right person. However, it sounds like ER Doc thinks he is investing in you, b/c he doesn't think you are FWB, but you do, no matter how good you say everything else is. 

I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm asking, b/c I found myself being inclined towards this same thing before we expressed clearly what we were to each other. Quite simply my needs for clarity and communication were going unmet, so I was inclined to find it elsewhere. This is where you need to ask yourself what you need and examine the balance in your relationship with ER Doc. He's happy with the status quo, b/c it suits him, with all he has going on in his life, but you aren't. 

It's been 16 months though, why are you guys not having conversations openly? Are you communicating your needs clearly to him, or expecting him to fulfill them and then being secretly disappointed? It seems like it is time for one/both of you to **** or get off the pot. What are you going to do?


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## AVR1962

Blondilocks said:


> @AVR1962 traditionally likes to chase her men. It can be seen as a conquest thing for her. When dentist dumped her, she felt rejected and then jumped at the chance to win him. Those who play hard to get usually aren't worth the getting. I hope she finds the path to her happiness, soon.


When did I jump on the chance to win him? When he came back to me telling me he had prostate cancer? What would you have done? Just said, "Okay, thank you for telling me, good luck." I have a very big heart and a great deal of compassion for people. This whole situation was truly very difficult to deal with and my heart was very torn.


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## AVR1962

jlg07 said:


> The other issue AVR1962, YOU view the ER Dr as FWB, non-exclusive. HE is viewing this as way more than FWB and has said that to you. I bet HE thinks it's exclusive.
> 
> You either need to be really blunt and TELL him you are not that into him, or there will be a ton of heartache down the line.


I need to talk to him.


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## AVR1962

Monday I was given some news I have had to digest. This Friday I go in for a biopsy to test for cervical cancer. So much has happened since July when I learned of the dentist's cancer and supporting him thru his ordeal and now I am dealing with my own health issue. I have had no signs or symptoms. This came up from test results during a recent annual exam. I am not telling my family right now until I have the biopsy and know the results. Needless to say this is on my mind and very bothersome. Dating and men in my life right now are not taking priority, I have to take care of me. Hearing news of possible cancer has changes my reality. I am trying to concentrate on my work and keep up my routine. I will do what needs to be done to work thru this.


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## Blondilocks

AVR1962 said:


> Monday I was given some news I have had to digest. This Friday I go in for a biopsy to test for cervical cancer. So much has happened since July when I learned of the dentist's cancer and supporting him thru his ordeal and now I am dealing with my own health issue. I have had no signs or symptoms. This came up from test results during a recent annual exam. I am not telling my family right now until I have the biopsy and know the results. Needless to say this is on my mind and very bothersome. Dating and men in my life right now are not taking priority, I have to take care of me. Hearing news of possible cancer has changes my reality. I am trying to concentrate on my work and keep up my routine. I will do what needs to be done to work thru this.


I am sorry you have to endure this worry. It is so hard to await news of biopsy results. My go-to approach is to try not to worry because it is useless until the results are in. There will be plenty of time to worry if the results are not in your favor. Take care and make sure to get some fun in to distract you.


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## TXTrini

AVR1962 said:


> Monday I was given some news I have had to digest. This Friday I go in for a biopsy to test for cervical cancer. So much has happened since July when I learned of the dentist's cancer and supporting him thru his ordeal and now I am dealing with my own health issue. I have had no signs or symptoms. This came up from test results during a recent annual exam. I am not telling my family right now until I have the biopsy and know the results. Needless to say this is on my mind and very bothersome. Dating and men in my life right now are not taking priority, I have to take care of me. Hearing news of possible cancer has changes my reality. I am trying to concentrate on my work and keep up my routine. I will do what needs to be done to work thru this.


I'm so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this AVR1962. It's harder to deal with this alone, I understand that you may not want to worry anyone until you know for sure, but the emotional strain can really take a toll. People who care about you want to be there for you in your time of need, so let them. 

Definitely take Blondilocks' advice and do something for yourself. I know it sounds kooky and dumb when people say, to take care of yourself, when you feel your world is starting to crumble, but attitude and mindset are everything. Get a pedicure, a massage or heck, indulge a little with your favorite meal or dessert. 

If you're lonely and need someone to talk to, we're all ears, feel free to PM. I'll keep you in my prayers, it will be ok no matter what, you've got this!


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## Hiner112

So funny thing happened today. My ex was picking up the kids and told me that she had gotten a Facebook message about me. Apparently, one of her friends is on Match and saw that I had a profile on there and was basically confirming that it was who they thought it was. My ex said that it seemed like her friend was fishing for some kind of offended reaction and was kind of freaked out by our civility.

My ex wife has now officially gotten just as many responses about my Match profile as I have.


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## AVR1962

UPDATE: Got my results back and the test came back negative for cancer!!!!!!!! I will retest in 6 more months. That was a crazy scary ride waiting. I did tell my daughters and a few close good friends who were amazing support. This past weekend with the weight lifted from my shoulders I took a trip to see the lovely fall colors of the leave turning, it was a very much needed get-away!


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## notmyjamie

@AVR1962 Glad to hear your colposcopy results were negative. It's scary waiting for results. I wish I had seen your post when you wrote it as I might have been able to offer some support. If I had a dime for every woman who needed a colposcopy but had no real issues I'd be rich. Continue your follow ups though, it's very important!!!


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## AVR1962

notmyjamie said:


> @AVR1962 Glad to hear your colposcopy results were negative. It's scary waiting for results. I wish I had seen your post when you wrote it as I might have been able to offer some support. If I had a dime for every woman who needed a colposcopy but had no real issues I'd be rich. Continue your follow ups though, it's very important!!!


This was actually not my first but this time was different for me. I had just supported my dentist friend thru his whole ordeal and I for me it was like running into a brick wall. It most certainly weighed on my mind more heavily this time.


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## notmyjamie

AVR1962 said:


> This was actually not my first but this time was different for me. I had just supported my dentist friend thru his whole ordeal and I for me it was like running into a brick wall. It most certainly weighed on my mind more heavily this time.


I'm sure it did. Glad it all turned out okay!!!


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## Hiner112

Vent/rant time, sorry.

23 years ago today was when I went on my last first date. My ex just sent me a "Happy Anniversary" text. What. The. Actual. ****.

Maybe I should have sent my "Happy Anniversary" text 3 months ago on the second anniversary of her moving out.


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## jlg07

Sounds like she is regretting divorcing you, or is just having a fond nostalgic memory. Hard to say which.


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## Chuck71

Hiner112 said:


> Vent/rant time, sorry.
> 
> 23 years ago today was when I went on my last first date. My ex just sent me a "Happy Anniversary" text. What. The. Actual. ****.
> 
> Maybe I should have sent my "Happy Anniversary" text 3 months ago on the second anniversary of her moving out.


She has either buyer's remorse or....wants to keep you at arm's length, just in case her fantasy explodes....which they usually do.

Act accordingly......cool...........firm..........dispassionate. 

If you aren't "there" yet, do you have a thread?


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## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> Vent/rant time, sorry.
> 
> 23 years ago today was when I went on my last first date. My ex just sent me a "Happy Anniversary" text. What. The. Actual. ****.
> 
> Maybe I should have sent my "Happy Anniversary" text 3 months ago on the second anniversary of her moving out.


Dude, this is the reason I moved, blocked on all social media without a word. Of course, there's all sorts of tools to find people nowadays, but complete dispassion and serenity seems to irk them more 😂.


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## Hiner112

Chuck71 said:


> She has either buyer's remorse or....wants to keep you at arm's length, just in case her fantasy explodes....which they usually do.
> 
> Act accordingly......cool...........firm..........dispassionate.
> 
> If you aren't "there" yet, do you have a thread?


Dispassionate is a good word. When she told me that we were going to separate she was freaked out that I was neither demonstrably angry or sad. I was just tired when I thought about all the wasted time and effort I had put into the relationship.

When she originally moved out, there was some talking about possibly getting back together once she'd gotten some perspective but that didn't last long. One day about two months into the separation she said and I quote, "Talking about reconciliation or going to marriage counseling would be pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you" and that was the end of any interest on my part. I basically did the 180 thing months before I heard about it. She was the one to bring up the separation but I was the one that put the paperwork together, did the research to see what forms needed to be filled out and with whom, and saved enough to pay her for the home equity during the separation.



TXTrini said:


> Dude, this is the reason I moved, blocked on all social media without a word. Of course, there's all sorts of tools to find people nowadays, but complete dispassion and serenity seems to irk them more 😂.


The kids are not driving yet and our schedules can vary from week to week sometimes so we literally talk either by voice or text almost every day. 

In general our interactions range between civil and friendly but every now and then something like this will come up and my mind is blown. Almost everyone I know is someone that we'd both interact with at kid events so I didn't feel like it would be right to shame her to my friends so I did it to internet strangers instead.


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## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> Dispassionate is a good word. When she told me that we were going to separate she was freaked out that I was neither demonstrably angry or sad. I was just tired when I thought about all the wasted time and effort I had put into the relationship.
> 
> When she originally moved out, there was some talking about possibly getting back together once she'd gotten some perspective but that didn't last long. One day about two months into the separation she said and I quote, "Talking about reconciliation or going to marriage counseling would be pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you" and that was the end of any interest on my part. I basically did the 180 thing months before I heard about it. She was the one to bring up the separation but I was the one that put the paperwork together, did the research to see what forms needed to be filled out and with whom, and saved enough to pay her for the home equity during the separation.
> 
> 
> 
> The kids are not driving yet and our schedules can vary from week to week sometimes so we literally talk either by voice or text almost every day.
> 
> In general our interactions range between civil and friendly but every now and then something like this will come up and my mind is blown. Almost everyone I know is someone that we'd both interact with at kid events so I didn't feel like it would be right to shame her to my friends so I did it to internet strangers instead.


Kids definitely complicate things. I know the "blow-****-up" crowd might want to put everything on blast, but I understand your approach. Your kids will see one day what a decent man you are (if they don't already). My bf chose this route also, b/c no matter what a ***** she is to you, she's still their mom. People will eventually see her true character. Stay strong, my friend.


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## jlg07

Hiner112 said:


> Dispassionate is a good word. When she told me that we were going to separate she was freaked out that I was neither demonstrably angry or sad. I was just tired when I thought about all the wasted time and effort I had put into the relationship.
> 
> When she originally moved out, there was some talking about possibly getting back together once she'd gotten some perspective but that didn't last long. One day about two months into the separation she said and I quote, "Talking about reconciliation or going to marriage counseling would be pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you" and that was the end of any interest on my part. I basically did the 180 thing months before I heard about it. She was the one to bring up the separation but I was the one that put the paperwork together, did the research to see what forms needed to be filled out and with whom, and saved enough to pay her for the home equity during the separation.
> 
> 
> 
> The kids are not driving yet and our schedules can vary from week to week sometimes so we literally talk either by voice or text almost every day.
> 
> In general our interactions range between civil and friendly but every now and then something like this will come up and my mind is blown. Almost everyone I know is someone that we'd both interact with at kid events so I didn't feel like it would be right to shame her to my friends so I did it to internet strangers instead.


Can you setup a co-parenting software site so that you don't have to talk? I'm sure others here will give you some examples, but at least that way you can have a calendar and chat over the app rather than having to deal with her.
I guess that still doesn't solve the issue of when you have to interact at events, but you could just keep your distance from her.


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## Blondilocks

Hiner112 said:


> Vent/rant time, sorry.
> 
> 23 years ago today was when I went on my last first date. My ex just sent me a "Happy Anniversary" text. What. The. Actual. ****.
> 
> Maybe I should have sent my "Happy Anniversary" text 3 months ago on the second anniversary of her moving out.


Response: "Huh?" That piece of data is no longer in your memory bank.


----------



## Not

She may be feeling a bit of nostalgia. I'm sure at the time of the marriage things were really good so good memories ya know? My ex and I did have some times when things were positive and even happy and I see no reason to push those memories away. At least we had that. I think my ex would agree with me on this.


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## Blondilocks

Just wait until the kids start talking about Daddy's new girlfriend. There will go her sense of security in having a fall-back position. All of a sudden, Hiner is going to start to look oh-so-good to her.


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## Blondilocks

Where is our lovely Lila? Hope she is well.


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## ConanHub

Blondilocks said:


> Just wait until the kids start talking about Daddy's new girlfriend. There will go her sense of security in having a fall-back position. All of a sudden, Hiner is going to start to look oh-so-good to her.


A close friend of mine is going through a very similar situation and, while romance is the last thing on his mind right now, I think his stbx is still going to be shocked when her place in his bed has been filled by someone else.

Her head is still spinning from how fast he got a lawyer and had her served. His head was all messed up about her telling him she wanted a separation to "Find herself" and figure out what she wants but he contacted me and I got him to think clearly and act decisively and now the initial judgement is he gets primary custody of their two children and she has to start paying child support and help with other costs as well starting in February.

She thought she was just going to walk all over him and he was going to take it.

It didn't quite work out the way her deranged mind imagined or the way her deranged sisters and friends advised her.


----------



## ConanHub

Blondilocks said:


> Where is our lovely Lila? Hope she is well.


I've been missing her as well. I'm so worried about everyone during this crazy time.


----------



## RebuildingMe

ConanHub said:


> A close friend of mine is going through a very similar situation and, while romance is the last thing on his mind right now, I think his stbx is still going to be shocked when her place in his bed has been filled by someone else.
> 
> Her head is still spinning from how fast he got a lawyer and had her served. His head was all messed up about her telling him she wanted a separation to "Find herself" and figure out what she wants but he contacted me and I got him to think clearly and act decisively and now the initial judgement is he gets primary custody of their two children and she has to start paying child support and help with other costs as well starting in February.
> 
> She thought she was just going to walk all over him and he was going to take it.
> 
> It didn't quite work out the way her deranged mind imagined or the way her deranged sisters and friends advised her.


What a fantastic story. My dream ending!


----------



## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> A close friend of mine is going through a very similar situation and, while romance is the last thing on his mind right now, I think his stbx is still going to be shocked when her place in his bed has been filled by someone else.
> 
> Her head is still spinning from how fast he got a lawyer and had her served. His head was all messed up about her telling him she wanted a separation to "Find herself" and figure out what she wants but he contacted me and I got him to think clearly and act decisively and now the initial judgement is he gets primary custody of their two children and she has to start paying child support and help with other costs as well starting in February.
> 
> She thought she was just going to walk all over him and he was going to take it.
> 
> It didn't quite work out the way her deranged mind imagined or the way her deranged sisters and friends advised her.


How old are they? And he must make less money than she does...??


----------



## ConanHub

RebuildingMe said:


> What a fantastic story. My dream ending!


Well.... I won't call it fantastic but I'm good at war and my friend wasn't so I gave him counsel that he followed well.

His stbx set herself up for this because my friend is a fairly typical "nice guy" and she was banking on 14 years of experiencing him trying to bend over backwards to be a good husband.

I don't think some women know how to manage a marriage to these guys but they aren't bad mates and very good providers.

They are more attracted to a holes like me but marry good but nice men who don't have the tools to put them in their place occasionally.

I think Trisha spells it out here pretty good.

I am a recovering A hole that learned to be soft sometimes. My friend, and many like him, started soft and had difficulty learning to be hard when he or his family needed him to be.


----------



## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> How old are they? And he must make less money than she does...??


The boy is about 7 and I think the girl is 3 or 4 now. She makes zilch and he makes six figures.


----------



## Hiner112

LisaDiane said:


> How old are they? And he must make less money than she does...??


If she doesn't have the kids at all then he'd get child support regardless of who made more money.

Spousal support or alimony is an entirely different story.

In either case, she'd have an "imputed" income if she chooses not to work (or work less), especially if she has a degree and isn't disabled.


----------



## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> The boy is about 7 and I think the girl is 3 or 4 now. She makes zilch and he makes six figures.


Well, I guess she found what she was "looking" for...


----------



## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I guess she found what she was "looking" for...


She got what was coming to her which wasn't what she was expecting.


----------



## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I guess she found what she was "looking" for...


It's sad because we have been friends for over a decade and Mrs. C and I really like her.

She just chose to go down a rabbit hole and become evil.


----------



## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> It's sad because we have been friends for over a decade and Mrs. C and I really like her.
> 
> She just chose to go down a rabbit hole and become evil.


It's like I said - SELFISHNESS...it's poison...


----------



## minimalME

I think a lot of people see me this way. And I understand - divorce_ is_ a selfish option.

Even after 10 years, I think my ex-husband is still waiting for me to be miserable and fail - and is genuinely disappointed that I'm just fine.



ConanHub said:


> She just chose to go down a rabbit hole and become evil.


----------



## Red Sonja

Blondilocks said:


> Where is our lovely Lila? Hope she is well.


Yes. I wonder the same about @Faithful Wife given that she lives in Portland. Perhaps she is just taking a TAM break?


----------



## ConanHub

minimalME said:


> I think a lot of people see me this way. And I understand - divorce_ is_ a selfish option.
> 
> Even after 10 years, I think my ex-husband is still waiting for me to be miserable and fail - and is genuinely disappointed that I'm just fine.


I sincerely doubt you behaved like E. That is what I'll call her here.

I don't believe any of us including J, what I will call him here, wants her to be miserable.

She is possibly going to be miserable because she became a miserable person. 

This is the third time she has pulled this bull ****.

The first two were in quick sequence and she seemed to really reform afterwards.

She has been behaving like an idiot for a couple years now culminating in her third and final affair of this marriage.

There are good reasons why J got primary custody.


----------



## LisaDiane

minimalME said:


> *I think a lot of people see me this way.* And I understand - divorce_ is_ a selfish option.
> 
> Even after 10 years, I think my ex-husband is still waiting for me to be miserable and fail - and is genuinely disappointed that I'm just fine.


NO WAY!!! Then they aren't taking the time to KNOW you, that's all.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Red Sonja said:


> Yes. I wonder the same about @Faithful Wife given that she lives in Portland. Perhaps she is just taking a TAM break?


And FIP. I miss them both!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## ConanHub

Red Sonja said:


> Yes. I wonder the same about @Faithful Wife given that she lives in Portland. Perhaps she is just taking a TAM break?


Mrs. Conan and I will be able to see first hand soon.

We are transferring to the west coast after Christmas.

I hope she is well and her children too.


----------



## AVR1962

Merry Christmas to all of you on TAM! For some of us like myself your day will be spent alone, my heart goes out to you!!! My youngest daughter who lives nearby tested positive for COVID two days ago on my birthday. The guy I have been dated also tested positive the same day. Two weeks ago an old boyfriend from highschool passed away from the virus. he had contacted me just a month before he passed. This morning I found out a friend's father passed away from COVID. Be careful and be safe, this virus is nothing to mess with.

On a different topic, I had a long talk with the man I have been dating for the past 1 1/2 years. He and I will be going away to Costa Rica to vacation in about a month. I know he likes me, it is obvious by the way he reacts to me and I am very comfortable with him but there was some disconnects that I wanted to talk about. It was like I felt being waved in by one hand and the other hand had a stop sign up. How it turned out he basically said he was not sure if he wants to ever be with any one person long-term and if he did it probably would not come to him naturally. He told me that he basically saw relationships as having a time....you enjoy that person until the relationship no longer serves one person or the other. He said he doesn't want to be locked into exclusivity as he wants his freedom to do what he wants to do and he feels exclusiveness means doing more together than he wants, basically he doesn't want the obligation to a relationship. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he told me he was not, told me he is not a player and that if he met someone else he wanted to be with he would not keep seeing me. He told me that he enjoys *__, __*, ____ (listed what he likes about me) and is enjoying getting to know me. The conversation did not feel good to me. I was hoping we were working towards something more solid, more stable.....dating forever is not what I have wanted ever. He obviously is not seeing a future with me or even thinking that way, perhaps more typical of men but painful to hear regardless. he claims we are not friends with benefits but how else do you term what he said? Am I the one getting this confused? He assure me this is just about sex for him......I didn't ask as I have not felt it was just sex between us, not sure why he mentioned that. He an I have done all kinds of things together. He is always asking me questions about my past, my kids, my family so he knows me better than anyone....we have shared an awful lot and of everyone I have dated since my divorce, he and I have the most in common. I am ready for a relationship where we integrate our lives and he definitely is not.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

AVR1962 said:


> Merry Christmas to all of you on TAM! For some of us like myself your day will be spent alone, my heart goes out to you!!! My youngest daughter who lives nearby tested positive for COVID two days ago on my birthday. The guy I have been dated also tested positive the same day. Two weeks ago an old boyfriend from highschool passed away from the virus. he had contacted me just a month before he passed. This morning I found out a friend's father passed away from COVID. Be careful and be safe, this virus is nothing to mess with.
> 
> On a different topic, I had a long talk with the man I have been dating for the past 1 1/2 years. He and I will be going away to Costa Rica to vacation in about a month. I know he likes me, it is obvious by the way he reacts to me and I am very comfortable with him but there was some disconnects that I wanted to talk about. It was like I felt being waved in by one hand and the other hand had a stop sign up. How it turned out he basically said he was not sure if he wants to ever be with any one person long-term and if he did it probably would not come to him naturally. He told me that he basically saw relationships as having a time....you enjoy that person until the relationship no longer serves one person or the other. He said he doesn't want to be locked into exclusivity as he wants his freedom to do what he wants to do and he feels exclusiveness means doing more together than he wants, basically he doesn't want the obligation to a relationship. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he told me he was not, told me he is not a player and that if he met someone else he wanted to be with he would not keep seeing me. He told me that he enjoys *, __, __* (listed what he likes about me) and is enjoying getting to know me. The conversation did not feel good to me. I was hoping we were working towards something more solid, more stable.....dating forever is not what I have wanted ever. He obviously is not seeing a future with me or even thinking that way, perhaps more typical of men but painful to hear regardless. he claims we are not friends with benefits but how else do you term what he said? Am I the one getting this confused? He assure me this is just about sex for him......I didn't ask as I have not felt it was just sex between us, not sure why he mentioned that. He an I have done all kinds of things together. He is always asking me questions about my past, my kids, my family so he knows me better than anyone....we have shared an awful lot and of everyone I have dated since my divorce, he and I have the most in common. I am ready for a relationship where we integrate our lives and he definitely is not.


AVR, why are you going on a trip with this man? Clearly you need to get away from him, he sounds like nothing you need in your life. 

Much love to you and merry Christmas 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## AVR1962

That's how all this came up in the first place. I agreed to this trip but then I wanted to know just what he was feeling as I had sensed intentional distance when we were apart. Last night when he told me that he liked me and wanted to get to know me better but didn't want exclusivity because he wanted his freedom to do what he wanted I realized we are not on the same page. I told him I cannot be with him knowing that he might be dating other women or wanting to meet other women. I told him that two people in an exclusive relationship have the opportunity to build the relationship together and that I cannot give to him knowing otherwise. Even though he is being honest with his feelings I do feel at the same time there is some manipulation here. He has been clear, he does not want to be exclusive and it is my choice as to whether I want to continue to see him. And I have made it clear what I want and what I am looking for, being exclusive is part of this. So I am thinking of opening my online dating account again, cancelling the trip and start over once again. I was clear right from date one, I told him I was ultimately looking for my best friend and partner in life, he said he was also. That is why I decided to get to know him.


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## minimalME

I think this is a great idea! 🤗 



AVR1962 said:


> So I am thinking of opening my online dating account again, cancelling the trip and start over once again.


----------



## AVR1962

minimalME said:


> I think this is a great idea! 🤗


This is going to take alot of strength on my part, I have a great deal of feelings for this man.


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## minimalME

It is hard - I've been there. 

It's like an addiciton that you have to withdraw from. But if you can stick with no contact for a couple of weeks, you'll start to feel stronger. 💙



AVR1962 said:


> This is going to take alot of strength on my part, I have a great deal of feelings for this man.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

If you are wanting commitment you may as well dump him right now. He wants no string sex and companionship. At least he told you because a lot of guys would just string you along for as long as it suited them. He doesn't want any responsibility or obligation and would probably be useless in any way other than a lover or someone to talk to. 

It's good that he told you but on the other hand you have to just take that as a warning because now that he's told you, that frees him up to treat you any way he wants to and see whoever he wants to and do whatever he wants to and just have no conscience about it.


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## DownByTheRiver

AVR1962 said:


> This is going to take alot of strength on my part, I have a great deal of feelings for this man.


You just have to realize that the man you have a lot of feelings for isn't the man you hoped he was. If you knew this about him from day one you would not have feelings for him.


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## lifeistooshort

I commend him for his honesty and you should tell him you appreciate that.

I agree that cancelling the trip and opening up your account is a good idea.

He wants his freedom is code for he likes you and probably doesn't have anyone else, but wants the option if something better comes along.

That makes you a place holder.

Sorry 

You're worth more and you'll find another guy who thinks so.


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## Elizabeth001

I just wanted to say what they said ^

Life is too short to waste any additional time on this fish. Throw him back. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

One has to wonder if his changed stance is because of your attachment to and support for the dentist during his time of need which you told Tiger about. If the dentist hadn't dropped you like a hot potato, would you have still been dating Tiger?


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## Openminded

What you want and what he wants aren’t the same. Don’t go on vacation with him.


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## nypsychnurse

I agree with the others...now that you know that he doesn't want the same things, staying will just lead to heartbreak...walk away this minute!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## AVR1962

DownByTheRiver said:


> You just have to realize that the man you have a lot of feelings for isn't the man you hoped he was. If you knew this about him from day one you would not have feelings for him.


Very true, good point!


----------



## AVR1962

Blondilocks said:


> One has to wonder if his changed stance is because of your attachment to and support for the dentist during his time of need which you told Tiger about. If the dentist hadn't dropped you like a hot potato, would you have still been dating Tiger?


He actually had more contact with me knowing the dentist was out of the picture.


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## Openminded

Maybe he always felt this way or maybe he changed his mind as time went on. He’s the only one who knows what the truth is. But it doesn’t benefit you to continue to see him if you want a long-term relationship and he doesn’t.


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## LisaDiane

AVR1962 said:


> This is going to take alot of strength on my part, I have a great deal of feelings for this man.


What are you going to do? How did you leave it with him?


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## Elizabeth001

Blondilocks said:


> One has to wonder if his changed stance is because of your attachment to and support for the dentist during his time of need which you told Tiger about. If the dentist hadn't dropped you like a hot potato, would you have still been dating Tiger?


And if Tiger was the “one”, she would have wished the dentist well and carried on.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort

AVR1962 said:


> He actually had more contact with me knowing the dentist was out of the picture.


Maybe, but he may also feel like plan B and that could cause him to keep your at arm's length.

In the back of his mind he may feel like given the option you would've chosen the other guy, so he'll enjoy you until something better comes along.

Is this a conversation you could have with him?


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## AVR1962

LisaDiane said:


> What are you going to do? How did you leave it with him?


We video chatted, can't see each other since he has the virus. We told each other that when we first met that we each dated other people. I told him at some point I could not see others and he said he did the same. He said that I decided where to continue commit my time and that if his company was not worth my time he would no longer be a priority to me. He assured me, his word, that he feels the very same. I told him I spilled alot on him and he said he was fine. He did ask me not to call him a playboy as that suggests that he is manipulative and he is not trying to manipulate anyone. He had me laughing by the end of the conversation. He sent me a text with a tiger picture as he knows I refer to him as my tiger. I then went out to dinner by myself to celebrate my birthday. Still feeling really strange about it all.


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## AVR1962

Elizabeth001 said:


> And if Tiger was the “one”, she would have wished the dentist well and carried on.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


It's more complicated than that, for sure.


----------



## LisaDiane

AVR1962 said:


> We video chatted, can't see each other since he has the virus. We told each other that when we first met that we each dated other people. I told him at some point I could not see others and he said he did the same. He said that I decided where to continue commit my time and that if his company was not worth my time he would no longer be a priority to me. He assured me, his word, that he feels the very same. I told him I spilled alot on him and he said he was fine. He did ask me not to call him a playboy as that suggests that he is manipulative and he is not trying to manipulate anyone. He had me laughing by the end of the conversation. He sent me a text with a tiger picture as he knows I refer to him as my tiger. I then went out to dinner by myself to celebrate my birthday. Still feeling really strange about it all.


But did he say that he's changed his mind and now wants a LTR like you do...? Or have YOU changed your mind and decided you are ok with a FWB relationship with him only...?

I think you are feeling strange about it because he was being vague and you were grasping for reassurance in anything he said. If you were honest with yourself about what he said he wants, you would have to accept that you do not want the same things, and I think you are resisting that because of your feelings for him. But that's a MISTAKE. And you are going to end up hurting yourself more down the line when he doesn't change his views of relationships for you.

You are going to have to trump your strong feelings for him with common sense and reality -- and if anyone has a way to do that, I'd love to hear it!! Lol!


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## Blondilocks

He threw some word salad at you to appease you and keep the booty calls coming.


----------



## Not

Not said:


> I want to catch up on the latest but need to go bed but want to share my news! I’ve met someone. I knew the second he walked in the door. He’s a perfect combo of chivalrous/respectful/sweet but sexy/fun/lusty too. He totally rings my bell lol! He actually looked tons better in person than he did in his pics, such a nice change from previous dates.
> 
> Everything is closed so we met at Meijer tonight to get groceries together for our first date and wound up sitting in the lawn and garden department talking forever and sparks were just flying! Holy cow we made out right there lol! That was the first time I’ve kissed on a first date, no regrets!
> 
> Now I’m not going to be able to sleep, it’s going to be a long night lol!


I had to go back and find this post and read how excited I was lol! Nine months down and he still kisses me all the time in stores! Smooching through our masks lol! I've had more kisses in the last nine months than I had the entire 25 years I was married. This man is so damn sweet and definitely still ringing my bell ! Always asking if he can keep me and I promise him he can...for the weekend lol! Gotta be a tease and keep things lively ya know? I like those spankings lol ! 

I'm so glad he logged onto POF when he did and I'm doubly glad I didn't have my account set to hidden like I always would do. Lucky I am.


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## happyhusband0005

Man I was duped. I assumed this was a kind of calendar shoot thread. Dang clickbate thread titles.


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## LisaDiane

happyhusband0005 said:


> Man I was duped. I assumed this was a kind of calendar shoot thread. Dang clickbate thread titles.


Lol!!! It took you 1900+ posts to notice this thread??


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## happyhusband0005

LisaDiane said:


> Lol!!! It took you 1900+ posts to notice this thread??


No I just figured I had some time so I'd come take a look at the thousand plus bikini and speedo pics. LOL.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Not said:


> I had to go back and find this post and read how excited I was lol! Nine months down and he still kisses me all the time in stores! Smooching through our masks lol! I've had more kisses in the last nine months than I had the entire 25 years I was married. This man is so damn sweet and definitely still ringing my bell ! Always asking if he can keep me and I promise him he can...for the weekend lol! Gotta be a tease and keep things lively ya know? I like those spankings lol !
> 
> I'm so glad he logged onto POF when he did and I'm doubly glad I didn't have my account set to hidden like I always would do. Lucky I am.


Isn't it crazy how that works?

I decided on a whim to show up at a bike club ride and ran into my guy the first time I went.

That was 2 1/2 years ago. He told me that the day we met he rode with a group he didn't usually go with and it turned out to be the one I joined.

It's been closer to 2 years that we've been dating because even though my marriage was coming to an end it hadn't yet and I didn't want to start until the marriage was resolved.

My father used to say that 80 percent of life is timing.


----------



## Not

lifeistooshort said:


> Isn't it crazy how that works?
> 
> I decided on a whim to show up at a bike club ride and ran into my guy the first time I went.
> 
> That was 2 1/2 years ago. He told me that the day we met he rode with a group he didn't usually go with and it turned out to be the one I joined.
> 
> It's been closer to 2 years that we've been dating because even though my marriage was coming to an end it hadn't yet and I didn't want to start until the marriage was resolved.
> 
> My father used to say that 80 percent of life is timing.


So true in our case. Less than a week after he first contacted me we went on lockdown. I was off work for four months with nothing but time on my hands and he just happens to have a job that allows him to be on the phone whenever he wants.

We literally talked for hours and hours everyday while he worked and I was completely free to go see him whenever he was available. Lockdown was perfect for us.


----------



## AVR1962

LisaDiane said:


> But did he say that he's changed his mind and now wants a LTR like you do...? Or have YOU changed your mind and decided you are ok with a FWB relationship with him only...?
> 
> I think you are feeling strange about it because he was being vague and you were grasping for reassurance in anything he said. If you were honest with yourself about what he said he wants, you would have to accept that you do not want the same things, and I think you are resisting that because of your feelings for him. But that's a MISTAKE. And you are going to end up hurting yourself more down the line when he doesn't change his views of relationships for you.
> 
> You are going to have to trump your strong feelings for him with common sense and reality -- and if anyone has a way to do that, I'd love to hear it!! Lol!


I do not want a FWB relationship which I have already told him. I also do not want to be a place holder and I am not just looking for a hook-up when I want sex. I was very clear on what I wanted and he was clear too, that he is not going to become exclusive naturally so that leave me no choice but to move on. He has not contacted me since and I will not contact him. I tried to call the travel agency to see if I can get a refund of the money I paid in for our trip which was planned for next month. Did not reach anyone but I will try again. I also have reopened one of my accounts for singles. I spoke with my counselor who suggested I move on. She feels he does not know how to have a relationship with a woman which very well may be. That is where I am at.


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## RebuildingMe

Are we making a 2021 thread?

In other news, after almost a year and a half, I finally got a trial date for my divorce. Nothing has been agreed to, after 13 mediations, 40k in the hole, I am happy to get a date. Everything is on the table. Custody, visitation, child support and financials including two homes and pensions.

Today is also seven months with the new girl. I am lucky to have her in my life and thanked her today for being so supportive throughout this ordeal.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I think FIP started this one and she doesn’t hang here any longer 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## minimalME

Wow. 😳

I can’t imagine going through this. I’m so sorry.



RebuildingMe said:


> Nothing has been agreed to, after 13 mediations, 40k in the hole...


----------



## RebuildingMe

minimalME said:


> Wow. 😳
> 
> I can’t imagine going through this. I’m so sorry.


Thank you. This experience has changed my life, physically, mentally and my *entire* outlook on relationships. Seriously though, believe it or not, most of my changes were and continue to be positive ones. I’ll get through this. It’s becoming real for her now. Her lawyer is blowing my lawyer’s phone to settle and I told my lawyer to ignore. Judge proposed a settlement yesterday. I told my lawyer to decline and obtain a trial date. The ‘settlement ship’ has sailed. I’m mentally prepared for trial. We are looking at a 3-5 day trial and another 40k. She will break long before I ever will. She should have acted sanely during the first couple of mediations and we would have been done. Now, it’s up to a judge to decide if her extremely poor behavior is enough for her to possibly lose her kids, child support and the house.


----------



## Not

Wow, RebuildingMe, that is the divorce from hell. I'm sorry it turned out that way.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So my stbx just fired her lawyer today a couple of months before trial and well over a year into this divorce. There seems to be some dissension in her camp between her, her mother and her lawyer. My lawyer told me that the optics look bad for anyone changing attorney’s so close to trial. It makes them look like the more difficult party to get along with. She can’t even get along with her lawyer, who’s a very prominent trial lawyer and was charging her $550/hour. Interesting.


----------



## Affaircare

RebuildingMe said:


> ...She can’t even get along with her lawyer, who’s a very prominent trial lawyer and was charging her $550/hour. Interesting.


Hey maybe it's just me, but if someone was paying me $550/hour, I would find a way to "get along" with them. The fact that she can't get along with a professional, WHOM SHE IS PAYING? Pffffft...that's telling!


----------



## Hiner112

One of the insightful things that I read when I was going through my divorce was that you need to make sure that you're not spending more on the lawyers and legal process than the things that you would get out of it. At $550/hr it wouldn't take long to pay for furniture, cars, and it would take a long time to recoup it with alimony / child support especially since you'd be measuring against a baseline "fair" split.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> One of the insightful things that I read when I was going through my divorce was that you need to make sure that you're not spending more on the lawyers and legal process than the things that you would get out of it. At $550/hr it wouldn't take long to pay for furniture, cars, and it would take a long time to recoup it with alimony / child support especially since you'd be measuring against a baseline "fair" split.


I agree 100%. We are both in this for well over $40k each. However, there comes a point (I am at that point) where it’s more cost effective to move forward than to take the one sided offer that’s on the table. In this last year, I was willing to take a buyout on one of the homes at 525k. She accepted but wanted to throw in child support into the mix. We couldn’t agree, and we suggested just the buyout. She refused. A year later, the house is now worth 625k. My share of the increase of this one asset pays for my legal bill thus far. She was penny wise and pound foolish, which I’m sure is playing a big factor into why her attorney was relived of his duties.


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree 100%. We are both in this for well over $40k each. However, there comes a point (I am at that point) where it’s more cost effective to move forward than to take the one sided offer that’s on the table. In this last year, I was willing to take a buyout on one of the homes at 525k. She accepted but wanted to throw in child support into the mix. We couldn’t agree, and we suggested just the buyout. She refused. A year later, the house is now worth 625k. My share of the increase of this one asset pays for my legal bill thus far. She was penny wise and pound foolish, which I’m sure is playing a big factor into why her attorney was relived of his duties.


I was very lucky in many ways. By the time my wife told me that she was leaving she'd already gotten a free consultation from a lawyer that basically told her that since she had a nursing degree she shouldn't expect much if anything in the way of spousal support, the child support for our state comes straight off a chart, and by far the biggest asset was the 401k which was an easy split. The house buyout that we had to deal with was ~1/5 of each of our 401k shares and less than your legal bill.

You have my sympathies.


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## farsidejunky

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree 100%. We are both in this for well over $40k each. However, there comes a point (I am at that point) where it’s more cost effective to move forward than to take the one sided offer that’s on the table. In this last year, I was willing to take a buyout on one of the homes at 525k. She accepted but wanted to throw in child support into the mix. We couldn’t agree, and we suggested just the buyout. She refused. A year later, the house is now worth 625k. My share of the increase of this one asset pays for my legal bill thus far. She was penny wise and pound foolish, which I’m sure is playing a big factor into why her attorney was relived of his duties.


There was a poster on this site years ago who approached his STBXW with something akin to the following:

"We can come to a rational, fair settlement. If not, I will spend every last penny of our assets to make sure we have nothing to divide. The choice is yours."

I tend to agree with him. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001

I’m in a quandary. I’ve met an awesome guy on POF (at last). We are really hitting it off and text A LOT. The issue is when we actually call, I get all nervous and tongue-tied and sound like an idiot! Wth?

He’s British and my whole body melts when I hear his accent. I’m feeling really silly about it.

Also...he is pretty quiet on the phone and I’m a motor mouth. I tried to dial it back last night but then there was just a bunch of uncomfortable silences so I made my excuses (he was tired and I was headed to bed anyway) and ended the call.

I’m not one that tends to be at a loss for words. I think of so many things I want to ask him but totally space out when he calls.

Help!


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## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m in a quandary. I’ve met an awesome guy on POF (at last). We are really hitting it off and text A LOT. The issue is when we actually call, I get all nervous and tongue-tied and sound like an idiot! Wth?
> 
> He’s British and my whole body melts when I hear his accent. I’m feeling really silly about it.
> 
> Also...he is pretty quiet on the phone and I’m a motor mouth. I tried to dial it back last night but then there was just a bunch of uncomfortable silences so I made my excuses (he was tired and I was headed to bed anyway) and ended the call.
> 
> I’m not one that tends to be at a loss for words. I think of so many things I want to ask him but totally space out when he calls.
> 
> Help!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


First, I am happy to hear you met someone that brightens your day! Have you two met IRL yet? If not, I’d suggest doing that very quickly. You know, as well as anyone, the conversations will get better in time. As you get to know each other you will have more things to discuss. At this stage, it sounds like a deposition while you both get the intel you need to determine if the light is red or green. He’s probably just as tongue tied as you, but you are understandably more focused on your own communication. It’s human nature.


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## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> First, I am happy to hear you met someone that brightens your day! Have you two met IRL yet? If not, I’d suggest doing that very quickly. You know, as well as anyone, the conversations will get better in time. As you get to know each other you will have more things to discuss. At this stage, it sounds like a deposition while you both get the intel you need to determine if the light is red or green. He’s probably just as tongue tied as you, but you are understandably more focused on your own communication. It’s human nature.


Yaaa...we do need to meet soon because you never know if the chemistry will be there or not. He’s about 2.5/3 hours away so it’s going to be a little tricky. He is self-employed but very busy & I am M-F so it will need to be a weekend. Oy 


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## Hiner112

@Elizabeth001 He's probably more bothered or worried about the silences and issues with conversation than you are since you seem to be carrying it on your shoulders. The distance and limited availability sound like they'll be a significant challenge. Good luck.


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## Elizabeth001

Hiner112 said:


> @Elizabeth001 He's probably more bothered or worried about the silences and issues with conversation than you are since you seem to be carrying it on your shoulders. The distance and limited availability sound like they'll be a significant challenge. Good luck.


Not to mention the completely different culture. I’m wondering if we will have enough in common for sustainability.

Another thing I’m worried about is that he is a widower. I don’t know what happened but I think it’s a subject best addressed in person. On a lighter note, I told him my XH almost died...but I changed my mind. He thinks I’m very funny 


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## Hiner112

So I got another awkward / weird email from the ex recently. I kind of feel like sharing with someone but I don't think it would necessarily be appropriate to share with any local acquaintances so internet strangers it is.



> Why did you agree to divorce me? This is the main question I've thought about for years now. Am I that bad of a person? Did I make you that miserable? I apologize If I did. I know you are okay being alone. You are very independent. I knew you would be fine without me. I knew deep down you didn't need me.


What other response was I supposed to give to "I want to get a divorce."? I groveled a bit at 22 when she broke up with me but I'm in my 40s now and (hopefully) a bit wiser. "Convincing" someone to stay is a fool's errand. I cared for her but being told "Going to marriage counseling or talking about reconciliation is pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you." is a quick cure for hope and feelings.



> Are you proud of me? I've tried these past few years to prove I'm worthy. I can manage my finances, hold a full time job, and have tried to pick up cooking. I only enjoy this if I have people to cook for.


Why would she want her ex-husband to be proud of her? She's in her 40s so she should be able to do those things anyway. I know that she didn't really try to do most of that stuff until she moved out of my house at 38 but doing them isn't a huge personal accomplishment. It kind of warms my heart to hear her say things like, "I can't afford to do / buy {thing}" since she almost never said it while we were together and _always_ got pissed if I said it.



> I don't understand this transgender they/them thing. I am refusing to wrap my head around it.
> 
> Today on the way to your home, they basically stated that I don't know them or want to know them. This is very upsetting to me. Why would they think that?


She answered her question and then asked it. How ironic.



> What if I would have stayed? Pushed through my misery. Would my children be different? Would they want to be girls instead of them/they? Would they believe in GOD? Would they still have their Joy?


Staying in a marriage you don't want to be in isn't going to make anything better. Its definitely not going to change your kids' sexuality..._sigh_. They would still be teenagers and sarcasm and life dissatisfaction are pretty stereotypical of that age.


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## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> Not to mention the completely different culture. I’m wondering if we will have enough in common for sustainability.
> 
> Another thing I’m worried about is that he is a widower. I don’t know what happened but I think it’s a subject best addressed in person. On a lighter note, I told him my XH almost died...but I changed my mind. He thinks I’m very funny
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I’m sorry Liz, this doesn’t sound very promising but maybe you’ve made a new friend? 3 hours? Full time job? Hard no! You may need to re-set you distance on POF. 30 miles...tops.


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## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m sorry Liz, this doesn’t sound very promising but maybe you’ve made a new friend? 3 hours? Full time job? Hard no! You may need to re-set you distance on POF. 30 miles...tops.


Yeah yeah...lemme daydream a bit longer. lol 


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## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> So I got another awkward / weird email from the ex recently. I kind of feel like sharing with someone but I don't think it would necessarily be appropriate to share with any local acquaintances so internet strangers it is.
> 
> What other response was I supposed to give to "I want to get a divorce."? I groveled a bit at 22 when she broke up with me but I'm in my 40s now and (hopefully) a bit wiser. "Convincing" someone to stay is a fool's errand. I cared for her but being told "Going to marriage counseling or talking about reconciliation is pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you." is a quick cure for hope and feelings.
> 
> Why would she want her ex-husband to be proud of her? She's in her 40s so she should be able to do those things anyway. I know that she didn't really try to do most of that stuff until she moved out of my house at 38 but doing them isn't a huge personal accomplishment. It kind of warms my heart to hear her say things like, "I can't afford to do / buy {thing}" since she almost never said it while we were together and _always_ got pissed if I said it.
> 
> She answered her question and then asked it. How ironic.
> 
> Staying in a marriage you don't want to be in isn't going to make anything better. Its definitely not going to change your kids' sexuality..._sigh_. They would still be teenagers and sarcasm and life dissatisfaction are pretty stereotypical of that age.


So proud of how you handled this! You're too decent to be anyone's backup plan. She sounds,like she wanted you to fight for her, for an ego boost, maybe? Maybe single life is not what she expected and shes feeling you out to come back. Stick to your guns, brah! You deserve better than this pile of ****.


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## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yeah yeah...lemme daydream a bit longer. lol
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Really...?? I don't think 3 hours is too long at all, especially if you really like him and think he's special!!


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## Hopeful Cynic

Hiner112 said:


> Why did you agree to divorce me? This is the main question I've thought about for years now. Am I that bad of a person? Did I make you that miserable? I apologize If I did. I know you are okay being alone. You are very independent. I knew you would be fine without me. I knew deep down you didn't need me.
> 
> 
> 
> What other response was I supposed to give to "I want to get a divorce."? I groveled a bit at 22 when she broke up with me but I'm in my 40s now and (hopefully) a bit wiser. "Convincing" someone to stay is a fool's errand. I cared for her but being told "Going to marriage counseling or talking about reconciliation is pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you." is a quick cure for hope and feelings.
Click to expand...

Yeah, when one person wants a divorce, even if the other person doesn't, it's not going to be much of a marriage anymore, so why stay in it? "I agreed to divorce you because I didn't want to keep you in a marriage you didn't want anymore." Nothing to do with her being a bad person, or any effect she may have had on you, or how independent you were. And that's how divorce works. When one person wants it, it can legally go ahead no matter what the other person wants.

Her choice of language "why did YOU agree" makes it sound like she's blaming you for being divorced instead of herself. She's mad at you for agreeing rather than herself for initiating it. Seems like her mention of divorce back then was supposed to magically transform you into her idea of a better husband so the marriage could continue, instead of, you know, leading to divorce.



Hiner112 said:


> Are you proud of me? I've tried these past few years to prove I'm worthy. I can manage my finances, hold a full time job, and have tried to pick up cooking. I only enjoy this if I have people to cook for.
> 
> 
> 
> Why would she want her ex-husband to be proud of her? She's in her 40s so she should be able to do those things anyway. I know that she didn't really try to do most of that stuff until she moved out of my house at 38 but doing them isn't a huge personal accomplishment. It kind of warms my heart to hear her say things like, "I can't afford to do / buy {thing}" since she almost never said it while we were together and _always_ got pissed if I said it.
Click to expand...

She still cares what you think, I guess. Too bad she didn't develop that maturity far earlier. Your marriage could have been quite different. but it's clear that she didn't think she needed to change anything back then, or she would have. See above where she blames you for everything.



Hiner112 said:


> I don't understand this transgender they/them thing. I am refusing to wrap my head around it.
> 
> Today on the way to your home, they basically stated that I don't know them or want to know them. This is very upsetting to me. Why would they think that?
> 
> 
> 
> She answered her question and then asked it. How ironic.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What if I would have stayed? Pushed through my misery. Would my children be different? Would they want to be girls instead of them/they? Would they believe in GOD? Would they still have their Joy?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Staying in a marriage you don't want to be in isn't going to make anything better. Its definitely not going to change your kids' sexuality..._sigh_. They would still be teenagers and sarcasm and life dissatisfaction are pretty stereotypical of that age.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I don't think she has a good grasp of her kid's identity, and I feel sad for the kid. Staying in the marriage wouldn't have had any effect on the kid's gender, and probably little effect on the rest of it. I don't know anything about the circumstances of your divorce, but maybe the kids are rebelling against her poor example of womanhood, who knows.

Overall, I would say these messages signal that she's second-guessing having ended the marriage. Watch out for her testing the waters about if you might be open to trying again. MANY women (and men) who leave a marriage feel like their ex is supposed to be hanging on, waiting for them in case they change their mind and return. Like a toy you put down when you got tired of it, but may want to play with again later. I'm getting that kind of vibe here from her.


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## Openminded

She did that because life didn’t turn out quite like she thought so she’s checking to see if you might take her back.


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## Affaircare

> RebuildingMe said:
> I’m sorry Liz, this doesn’t sound very promising but maybe you’ve made a new friend? 3 hours? Full time job? Hard no! You may need to re-set you distance on POF. 30 miles...tops.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Elizabeth001 said:
> Yeah yeah...lemme daydream a bit longer. lol
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Hey @Elizabeth001

I would like to encourage you a little. I first met my beloved @Emerging Buddhist here on TAM and we started with Private Messages. My hubby had died and he was divorcing, and we were just friends and talked to each other for encouragement and fun. He was a neat person, and like you with your fella, I was just really impressed with him, so I decided to take the time to get to know him AND LET HIM GET TO KNOW ME!

@Elizabeth001, no one is going to be the exact perfect match to you, because then you'd be dating yourself. LOL  Any human being you meet and love is going to have "some" differences! My Beloved Hubby is a strong buddhist, and I'm not. He's a ex-soldier and I'm not. He's him and I'm not. So having similiarities is a good, strong foundation on which to build, but having some differences is not only "to be expected" but fun! You can learn new things and try new things. His culture will be somewhat different than yours, but it's still a civilized, English-speaking culture, so it will be more like "Oh a new tradition" than "You eat WHAT?????"

EB and I started off and we PM'ed, texted, emailed, wrote actual snail mail letters, you name it! Then we called on the phone and did facetime. Then we started doing that at regular times of day to check in with each other and share time. Eventually the day came that we decided to meet in person, and you know what? We lived 7 hours apart from each other. We took turns visiting once-a-month: I'd go up...he'd come down. I had a little more freedom and flexibility in my work schedule, so I made the drive more often than he did, but I made the decision he was worth the effort. He showed reciprocal interest, so it wasn't just me chasing him  But as adults we decided together who'd visit whom and when. And a couple times, I drove up and surprised him! Yes a 7 hour surprise! One time, he called and said he was overwhelmed and needed help--I came. It's just what people do in a relationship.

All I'm saying is that if he's a good man, and someone you determine is worth the effort, a 3 hour drive is not that much. You two can and will overcome that. Take it one step at a time, get to know him better and let him get to know you, and the two of can work together on how to "get" together!


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## Elizabeth001

Thank you AC...he sure does seem to be smitten with me so I’m going to give it a little longer. He’s the sort of man I feel like I deserve and it’s been a great while since I felt butterflies in my tummy! I just wish I could get past the stumbles on the phone :/


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## jlg07

Elizabeth001 said:


> Not to mention the completely different culture. I’m wondering if we will have enough in common for sustainability.
> 
> Another thing I’m worried about is that he is a widower. I don’t know what happened but I think it’s a subject best addressed in person. On a lighter note, I told him my XH almost died...but I changed my mind. He thinks I’m very funny
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


How about writing DOWN stuff you want to discuss with him and have that in front of you while you talk on the phone? It may help with the nervous tongue-tied stuff.


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## Elizabeth001

jlg07 said:


> How about writing DOWN stuff you want to discuss with him and have that in front of you while you talk on the phone? It may help with the nervous tongue-tied stuff.


Great idea!! 


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## Chuck71

Cut the tech chats..........more in person. Bring him to your playground. Never be nervous being yourself.

Find a hobby he likes that you are unaware of. Have a date with that as topic. He will notice.


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## Elizabeth001

Chuck71 said:


> Cut the tech chats..........more in person. Bring him to your playground. Never be nervous being yourself.
> 
> Find a hobby he likes that you are unaware of. Have a date with that as topic. He will notice.


I’m very comfortable in my own skin & not normally nervous. That’s what’s throwing me off.

He agrees we should meet soon, so that’s great. Dang...my stomach is doing flip flops! I thought I was waaayyyy past this at my age. Oy...


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## 3Xnocharm

Hiner112 said:


> So I got another awkward / weird email from the ex recently. I kind of feel like sharing with someone but I don't think it would necessarily be appropriate to share with any local acquaintances so internet strangers it is.
> 
> 
> 
> What other response was I supposed to give to "I want to get a divorce."? I groveled a bit at 22 when she broke up with me but I'm in my 40s now and (hopefully) a bit wiser. "Convincing" someone to stay is a fool's errand. I cared for her but being told "Going to marriage counseling or talking about reconciliation is pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you." is a quick cure for hope and feelings.
> 
> 
> 
> Why would she want her ex-husband to be proud of her? She's in her 40s so she should be able to do those things anyway. I know that she didn't really try to do most of that stuff until she moved out of my house at 38 but doing them isn't a huge personal accomplishment. It kind of warms my heart to hear her say things like, "I can't afford to do / buy {thing}" since she almost never said it while we were together and _always_ got pissed if I said it.
> 
> 
> 
> She answered her question and then asked it. How ironic.
> 
> 
> 
> Staying in a marriage you don't want to be in isn't going to make anything better. Its definitely not going to change your kids' sexuality..._sigh_. They would still be teenagers and sarcasm and life dissatisfaction are pretty stereotypical of that age.


I have not read to the end yet, but if I were you I would just not even acknowledge that email. Screw her. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

3Xnocharm said:


> I have not read to the end yet, but if I were you I would just not even acknowledge that email. Screw her.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Exactly. She was probably in her cups and got the feels.


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## heartsbeating

3Xnocharm said:


> I have not read to the end yet, but if I were you I would just not even acknowledge that email. Screw her.


I agree.... however, if you deemed a response of some kind was needed, it doesn't mean you need to answer the questions.

Also, maybe I'm old-school in this way, or potentially just old, but if she's having a soul-searching kind of moment (which is not your responsibility, anyway) I personally would respect that more if that's done in person. If it was an option, intention made clear, amicable and such. Otherwise you could both also end up in a back-and-forth over email. I'd be for verbal dialogue, with the benefit of tone and such, too. Anyway, I'm not suggesting you offer that to her.


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## Hiner112

Since a few have expressed some interest in the exchange here was the original in entirety and my response (which I had sent before sharing here):



> I have been pondering these thoughts for a while. Trying to decide if I should verbalize them to you or not. Not in a scolding way. In a childish, curious way. Do not feel the need to respond.
> 
> 1. Why did you agree to divorce me? This is the main question I've thought about for years now. Am I that bad of a person? Did I make you that miserable? I apologize If I did. I know you are okay being alone. You are very independent. I knew you would be fine without me. I knew deep down you didn't need me.
> 
> 2. Are you proud of me? I've tried these past few years to prove I'm worthy. I can manage my finances, hold a full time job, and have tried to pick up cooking. I only enjoy this if I have people to cook for. I'm still working on being physically fit. It's my downfall....I know.
> 
> I know these things are silly questions at this point.
> I worry about our children. I do not like the road they are heading down. Yes, they are very smart. I feel like they have lost their joy in life. They don't explore or find the worl interesting anymore. I feel like they are sucked into their devices, whether it be a phone, chromebook, or TV. I don't understand this transgender they/them thing. I am refusing to wrap my head around it. I also don't like the fact that they don't believe in GOD anymore. It saddens me. But this is a personal choice that one needs to decide upon.
> 
> Today on the way to your home, they basically stated that I don't know them or want to know them. This is very upsetting to me. Why would they think that? Even before I left, I felt like an outsider in the home. Like I didn't belong because I didn't act or think like the 3 of you. This is the main reason I left.
> 
> What if I would have stayed? Pushed through my misery. Would my children be different? Would they want to be girls instead of them/they? Would they believe in GOD? Would they still have their Joy?


Response



> I had done my best. I had tried to do things to make your life easy and to keep you happy. I might not have been doing the right things and I might not have done them well but there was no more effort that I could give. Asking you to stay when you want to leave is a recipe for misery for everyone. Everyone. I don't want to be settled for. If I am in a relationship, I want that person to want to be with me and like me for who I am and not just because they couldn't find someone better. "Going to marriage counseling or talking about reconciliation is pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you." is what you told me.
> 
> I grew up expecting to be alone. For a while I hoped and believed that it might not be that way but it wasn't a huge shock or unbelievable development when life started heading that way again.
> 
> You're a skilled and talented nurse. You're doing fine surviving on your own.
> 
> As for the knowing them or getting to know them, it might have to do with the parts of their life you're having trouble processing or understanding.
> 
> If you were miserable and didn't want to be there, "pushing through" and staying would have probably just made you more resentful and angry. You can let go of your guilt about the kids' gender identity / sexuality / happiness. They were probably going to be who they are regardless of our relationship status.


As for doing it in person, I have a verbal tick / stutter that has annoyed her for years if not for the entirety of our relationship and at this point she would probably prefer text communication.


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## heartsbeating

For what it's worth, you expressed yourself well. 

My personal stance is if she replies back again - leave it be. 

And I'll admit that I prickled when reading your stutter annoyed her for years.


----------



## Not

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m in a quandary. I’ve met an awesome guy on POF (at last). We are really hitting it off and text A LOT. The issue is when we actually call, I get all nervous and tongue-tied and sound like an idiot! Wth?
> 
> He’s British and my whole body melts when I hear his accent. I’m feeling really silly about it.
> 
> Also...he is pretty quiet on the phone and I’m a motor mouth. I tried to dial it back last night but then there was just a bunch of uncomfortable silences so I made my excuses (he was tired and I was headed to bed anyway) and ended the call.
> 
> I’m not one that tends to be at a loss for words. I think of so many things I want to ask him but totally space out when he calls.
> 
> Help!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



My BF is a total motor mouth and I love it because I'm quiet! Don't hold back lol! It takes a lot of pressure off us quiet people. And I'm betting the tongue twisting will lessen as you guys continue to talk.

I was going to suggest a list of topics to bring up with him but someone beat me to it. I've done it and was so glad because those awkward silences suck buttermilk!


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## PieceOfSky

@Elizabeth001,

Next time there is an awkward silence, or something you’re not feeling comfortable with and wonder if he is feeling uncomfortable too, why not mention the uncomfortableness and be open and vulnerable about it?


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## farsidejunky

heartsbeating said:


> And I'll admit that I prickled when reading your stutter annoyed her for years.


Same here.

She really sounds like a self centered ass. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Numb26

Even after all this time, I still don't really know how to be "single". Maybe this means I am not ready to date , or maybe I am not really over it (I feel that I am)., or maybe I am just comfortable with the life I have made for myself and the kids. Anybody else feel like this?


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> Even after all this time, I still don't really know how to be "single". Maybe this means I am not ready to date , or maybe I am not really over it (I feel that I am)., or maybe I am just comfortable with the life I have made for myself and the kids. Anybody else feel like this?


What do you mean by knowing how to be single? Do you mean being comfortable with it...or dating around?


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## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> What do you mean by knowing how to be single? Do you mean being comfortable with it...or dating around?


Maybe being comfortable with it? You spend years with someone; building a life, sharing responsibilities, etc. then you are on your own. Making decisions without anyone else's input, daily life stuff. I don't know if I am making sense. 

Dont get me wrong, I am doing well on my own raising the kids and living my life but it still feels weird.


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## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> Maybe being comfortable with it? You spend years with someone; building a life, sharing responsibilities, etc. then you are on your own. Making decisions without anyone else's input, daily life stuff. I don't know if I am making sense.
> 
> Dont get me wrong, I am doing well on my own raising the kids and living my life but it still feels weird.


I DO understand this, kind of, except my situation is different because he is still here, we are just behaving as roommates and planning on divorcing when he is able to move out (hopefully in March).

It IS weird to not have to consider him, to not run things by him, to be completely detached from him. He was extremely important to me when I loved him, so to be so detached from him now, and to be only living for myself doesn't feel right. There are times when it feels GREAT - especially when I am reminded of the pain I felt while loving him and trying to make a selfish, moody man happy - but it doesn't feel natural for me to be emotionally isolated like I am now.

That doesn't mean it isn't good for you (and me) to be uncomfortable and readjusting yourself to your new situation!! There are some life-lessons going on here that will be valuable going forward if you keep your heart open and remain flexible!


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## Hiner112

Numb26 said:


> Even after all this time, I still don't really know how to be "single". Maybe this means I am not ready to date , or maybe I am not really over it (I feel that I am)., or maybe I am just comfortable with the life I have made for myself and the kids. Anybody else feel like this?


When people talk about knowing how to be single, I think they mean you should be able to function without someone there to support and guide you and you have your own life and goals. If you don't _need_ someone else, then you wouldn't accept bad behavior and wouldn't come across as desperate or needy / clingy.


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> It IS weird to not have to consider him, to not run things by him, to be completely detached from him.
> 
> He was extremely important to me when I loved him, so to be so detached from him now.


This is EXACTLY how I feel!


----------



## Numb26

Hiner112 said:


> When people talk about knowing how to be single, I think they mean you should be able to function without someone there to support and guide you and you have your own life and goals. If you don't _need_ someone else, then you wouldn't accept bad behavior and wouldn't come across as desperate or needy / clingy.


Took me awhile to understand I could function without that support and guidance. Now that I have learned to be self sufficient, for myself and the kids there are still times when I get that weird feeling. Mostly it's the daily mundane things. For example, cooking. I can now cook without regards to the exs likes and dislikes. I know it sounds stupid but it I will be in the kitchen and it will hit me. I will stand there and have the feeling of something being off. Am I making sense?


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Even after all this time, I still don't really know how to be "single". Maybe this means I am not ready to date , or maybe I am not really over it (I feel that I am)., or maybe I am just comfortable with the life I have made for myself and the kids. Anybody else feel like this?


How long have you been "single"?

It takes time to get comfortable with the new status quo and then there are those who never get comfortable with it. It's taken me over 2 years but I'm no longer chasing what I previously had, if that makes sense. 

Human beings adapt to their environment but sometimes it takes time. You'll find your groove eventually.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> How long have you been "single"?
> 
> It takes time to get comfortable with the new status quo and then there are those who never get comfortable with it. It's taken me over 2 years but I'm no longer chasing what I previously had, if that makes sense.
> 
> Human beings adapt to their environment but sometimes it takes time. You'll find your groove eventually.


September of 2019. I think what it is is that now that everything is over; the divorce, the court hearings, etc, and I have settled into my new life I don't have those excuses to use anymore


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> September of 2019. I think what it is is that now that everything is over; the divorce, the court hearings, etc, and I have settled into my new life I don't have those excuses to use anymore


Give it to the 2 year mark. Are you finding happiness in your new normal routines? That was a key for me.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Give it to the 2 year mark. Are you finding happiness in your new normal routines? That was a key for me.


I don't know if I would call it happiness. Maybe better words would be comfort and sanity.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I don't know if I would call it happiness. Maybe better words would be comfort and sanity.


That's a GREAT start. Comfort and sanity = stability and safety. Two basic building blocks to happiness. You'll know when you're ready to level up.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> That's a GREAT start. Comfort and sanity = stability and safety. Two basic building blocks to happiness. You'll know when you're ready to level up.


Now if there was a quick fix for loneliness, I would be set


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Now if there was a quick fix for loneliness, I would be set


Oooh, i know all about feeling lonely. There's no quick fix however what did help me was to understand and accept that loneliness is all too common. You and I are not unique in our feelings nor is there anything wrong with us. It's a very normal part of life. The key is not to let it drown us. 

My fix to loneliness was to nurture the existing relationships I had in my life. As part of this process I culled the herd, so to speak. I removed relationships that brought me sadness, angst, anger, or any one of the other negative feelings. This left me with more time and energy to cultivate the positive relationships in my life. This one act set me up with a robust social support network. Don't get me wrong, I still miss have a significant other....on occasion.... But I don't feel lonely.... Ever.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Oooh, i know all about feeling lonely. There's no quick fix however what did help me was to understand and accept that loneliness is all too common. You and I are not unique in our feelings nor is there anything wrong with us. It's a very normal part of life. The key is not to let it drown us.
> 
> My fix to loneliness was to nurture the existing relationships I had in my life. As part of this process I culled the herd, so to speak. I removed relationships that brought me sadness, angst, anger, or any one of the other negative feelings. This left me with more time and energy to cultivate the positive relationships in my life. This one act set me up with a robust social support network. Don't get me wrong, I still miss have a significant other....on occasion.... But I don't feel lonely.... Ever.


My fix was to throw myself into all the things I do to better myself and the life I want for my kids and I. Moved, work, competitions, hobbies, kids activities..... all fill my days. But at night, when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet. Thats the worst time of day


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> Now if there was a quick fix for loneliness, I would be set


There are rarely ever any quick fixes for anything, especially things that are valuable and need time to deepen and grow into something that meets our needs as human beings - relationships (of any kind) are in that category. 

Also, there ARE people who need relationships in order to feel whole, and that's NOT a weakness in my opinion. In fact, it takes a certain strength to connect emotionally with other people, and I've noticed when I feel strong, I reach out, but when I feel weak, I retreat. If you discover you are someone who needs and wants a significant relationship to be fully happy, GOOD for YOU!! Of course, that doesn't make the finding of one any easier, but if you know what you need, you can focus on finding it instead of denying that part of yourself trying to be a different person than you really are.

But with that being said, there are things you can do that will help you feel more connected and less lonely. You can come on here and post, you can go on other sites for people with similar interests to you and post, you can get out and meet new people...do you have family? When my kids were babies, and I'd be up late into the night feeding them or rocking them or whatever, I could call my aunt, who was a night-owl too, and have the best talks!! It made the tedium enjoyable and are some of my FAVORITE memories!!!

The important thing is to readjust your expectations of how to get your needs met, and find new ways to accomplish that. There are a whole bunch of different experiences available to you, you just need to find them and welcome them!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> My fix was to throw myself into all the things I do to better myself and the life I want for my kids and I. Moved, work, competitions, hobbies, kids activities..... all fill my days. But at night, when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet. Thats the worst time of day


People tend to find their way back to TAM at times of despair. There’s nothing wrong with that. Look at the bright side, you have your sleeping children with you at night. Many single dad’s don’t. Read, post, research, watch a good movie, get into a Netflix series...all things you can do at night. Have you tried OLD? I go to the gym at night, takes my mind off of things for an hour or so. Every hour counts for mental sanity.


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> People tend to find their way back to TAM at times of despair. There’s nothing wrong with that. Look at the bright side, you have your sleeping children with you at night. Many single dad’s don’t. Read, post, research, watch a good movie, get into a Netflix series...all things you can do at night. Have you tried OLD? I go to the gym at night, takes my mind off of things for an hour or so. Every hour counts for mental sanity.


I still lift 2 hours every day in the morning and work on my classes at night after kids go down for the night. In between is just as busy. Keeping busy was my salvation in the beginning, now it has become a way of life. As far as dating, I do have them on occasion but I am not ready for anything more then casual right now.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> September of 2019. I think what it is is that now that everything is over; the divorce, the court hearings, etc, and I have settled into my new life I don't have those excuses to use anymore


I'm operating on the same time frame as you and it is weird to be single. Granted I have a bf, but even that is nowhere near the same. We live our lives autonomously and spend every other weekend together. Right now, we're split dealing with separate households, and caring for our loved ones in the current winter crisis. 

I caught myself thinking Hmm it would have been easier to deal with this crap with my ex, but I don't miss him. Then again, I realized I was the one making all the critical decisions ANYWAY very decisively, so it's business as usual and while I miss having the backup in the same household, I'm fine without it. 

It's been a really weird week for me and I feel "off" not being part of a team. It's really highlighting the difference for me between a bf and a husband, I just don't consider them on the same level b/c I don't feel nearly as invested.


LisaDiane said:


> There are rarely ever any quick fixes for anything, especially things that are valuable and need time to deepen and grow into something that meets our needs as human beings - relationships (of any kind) are in that category.
> 
> Also, there ARE people who need relationships in order to feel whole, and that's NOT a weakness in my opinion. In fact, it takes a certain strength to connect emotionally with other people, and I've noticed when I feel strong, I reach out, but when I feel weak, I retreat. If you discover you are someone who needs and wants a significant relationship to be fully happy, GOOD for YOU!! Of course, that doesn't make the finding of one any easier, but if you know what you need, you can focus on finding it instead of denying that part of yourself trying to be a different person than you really are.
> 
> But with that being said, there are things you can do that will help you feel more connected and less lonely. You can come on here and post, you can go on other sites for people with similar interests to you and post, you can get out and meet new people...do you have family? When my kids were babies, and I'd be up late into the night feeding them or rocking them or whatever, I could call my aunt, who was a night-owl too, and have the best talks!! It made the tedium enjoyable and are some of my FAVORITE memories!!!
> 
> The important thing is to readjust your expectations of how to get your needs met, and find new ways to accomplish that. There are a whole bunch of different experiences available to you, you just need to find them and welcome them!!


You know, I think I might be one of the people who don't feel right being completely on my own. I still don't know what that means for long-term relationships. I don't need anyone to make decisions for me, or even be a sounding board. I definitely withdraw when I'm dealing with things and having to make a mental note to check-in. 

TAM has been a lifeline for me when I get lonely. I have friends I keep up with, but they're busy with their lives and I've always had a hard time reaching out and asking for help, etc when I need it.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> I still lift 2 hours every day in the morning and work on my classes at night after kids go down for the night. In between is just as busy. Keeping busy was my salvation in the beginning, now it has become a way of life. As far as dating, I do have them on occasion but I am not ready for anything more then casual right now.


It sounds like you are ahead of most. I think you’re doing really well. I think it was you that said you lost a ton of weight going through the crap storm. Did you keep it off? That’s important when you seriously start dating again.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> I'm operating on the same time frame as you and it is weird to be single. Granted I have a bf, but even that is nowhere near the same. We live our lives autonomously and spend every other weekend together. Right now, we're split dealing with separate households, and caring for our loved ones in the current winter crisis.
> 
> I caught myself thinking Hmm it would have been easier to deal with this crap with my ex, but I don't miss him. Then again, I realized I was the one making all the critical decisions ANYWAY very decisively, so it's business as usual and while I miss having the backup in the same household, I'm fine without it.
> 
> It's been a really weird week for me and I feel "off" not being part of a team. It's really highlighting the difference for me between a bf and a husband, I just don't consider them on the same level b/c I don't feel nearly as invested.
> 
> You know, I think I might be one of the people who don't feel right being completely on my own. I still don't know what that means for long-term relationships. I don't need anyone to make decisions for me, or even be a sounding board. I definitely withdraw when I'm dealing with things and having to make a mental note to check-in.
> 
> TAM has been a lifeline for me when I get lonely. I have friends I keep up with, but they're busy with their lives and I've always had a hard time reaching out and asking for help, etc when I need it.


Very well said. I feel very much the same as you. I feel my gf is far more invested in our relationship now than I am. I am hoping that changes as things finalize in my life, but I’m not so sure. TAM can help me feel connected, I just have to learn not to pick so many fights


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> It sounds like you are ahead of most. I think you’re doing really well. I think it was you that said you lost a ton of weight going through the crap storm. Did you keep it off? That’s important when you seriously start dating again.


Oh yeah, I have kept it of and lost a little more. Lost a total of about 70 pounds. I am at 240 which is about as small as I can get and still be able to compete.


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> Very well said. I feel very much the same as you. I feel my gf is far more invested in our relationship now than I am. I am hoping that changes as things finalize in my life, but I’m not so sure. TAM can help me feel connected, I just have to learn not to pick so many fights


NO WORRIES, Bam Bam...we all love you!!!!


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> NO WORRIES, Bam Bam...we all love you!!!!


Even when he gets curmudgeonly


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Even when he gets curmudgeonly


Lolol!!!! Definitely!!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

What a disaster


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## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> What a disaster


Oh no...!!!!


----------



## ConanHub

Numb26 said:


> My fix was to throw myself into all the things I do to better myself and the life I want for my kids and I. Moved, work, competitions, hobbies, kids activities..... all fill my days. But at night, when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet. Thats the worst time of day


Hang in there. You are a hero for your kids. I have a friend who just found himself in the same boat and he sends me pictures of him and the kiddos. Mrs. C and I both communicate with him but he is struggling with loneliness and feelings of abandonment.


----------



## Numb26

ConanHub said:


> Hang in there. You are a hero for your kids. I have a friend who just found himself in the same boat and he sends me pictures of him and the kiddos. Mrs. C and I both communicate with him but he is struggling with loneliness and feelings of abandonment.


Taking it day by day. All I can do really


----------



## notmyjamie

@Numb26 How strange that you're posting again. Because of the similarities in our situations I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing. I left my exH in Oct of 2018 and the divorce was final Feb 2020 (one year next week!!) and I still have those feelings of weirdness. 

The worst times for me are the holidays...I can't get used to all my normal traditions and routines being off. Everything is so very different than it was for the previous 22 years. But my daily life is very different too. I'm not lonely as I have BF...we've been together a while now so we're comfortable together. Our life is on hold until Jan 2023 when I can sell the house exH and I share. But even that seems strange...when we do sell or I decide to buy him out I won't involve BF. I never want to own property with someone else again. So I will do it on my own but at times, I ask him his needs for a new place as if he's going to be a co-owner...I just can't embrace that "I'm doing this on my own" feeling. It's weird and hard to describe. 

I'm guessing it just takes time...it took me a few years to get used to having a husband it will take some time to get used to not having one, right? Glad you and the kids are doing well!!


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Taking it day by day. All I can do really


@Numb26 do you have someone who you can open up to about your feelings and emotions? Having people in my life that I can express my frustrations and my disappointments was pivotal to helping me let go of those feelings I had with regards to my marriage. I ended up finding a great counselor who is less about psychotherapy and more like my parent. 

Hang in there. Time heals all wounds.... Or at least makes them a memory.


----------



## Numb26

notmyjamie said:


> @Numb26 How strange that you're posting again. Because of the similarities in our situations I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing. I left my exH in Oct of 2018 and the divorce was final Feb 2020 (one year next week!!) and I still have those feelings of weirdness.
> 
> The worst times for me are the holidays...I can't get used to all my normal traditions and routines being off. Everything is so very different than it was for the previous 22 years. But my daily life is very different too. I'm not lonely as I have BF...we've been together a while now so we're comfortable together. Our life is on hold until Jan 2023 when I can sell the house exH and I share. But even that seems strange...when we do sell or I decide to buy him out I won't involve BF. I never want to own property with someone else again. So I will do it on my own but at times, I ask him his needs for a new place as if he's going to be a co-owner...I just can't embrace that "I'm doing this on my own" feeling. It's weird and hard to describe.
> 
> I'm guessing it just takes time...it took me a few years to get used to having a husband it will take some time to get used to not having one, right? Glad you and the kids are doing well!!


I have tried to keep the holidays as close as normal for the kids as a can. Actually, I have tried to keep most things as close to normal for them. To varying results. LOL 

For me, I don't feel the weirdness anymore. This is my life now and I have thrown myself into it. If that makes sense?


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> @Numb26 do you have someone who you can open up to about your feelings and emotions? Having people in my life that I can express my frustrations and my disappointments was pivotal to helping me let go of those feelings I had with regards to my marriage. I ended up finding a great counselor who is less about psychotherapy and more like my parent.
> 
> Hang in there. Time heals all wounds.... Or at least makes them a memory.


Thanks! I think my wounds are finally starting to heal. I don't think about what happen anymore and it doesn't tear me up inside during those times when I do have to talk/see the ex. Isn't progress great?!?


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Thanks! I think my wounds are finally starting to heal. I don't think about what happen anymore and it doesn't tear me up inside during those times when I do have to talk/see the ex. Isn't progress great?!?


That's great progress. Next thing you'll know, she won't even register on your radar when you do see her. She's the equivalent of the pizza delivery guy or the random stranger you interact with at a store.

I knew I was okay when my ex came to pick up my son and I felt absolutely nothing for him. The rose colored glasses had fallen off.

If I didn't know him, had not history with him, and I met him today, I wouldn't associate with him. Not because he's a bad person but we have nothing in common and I find him so boring.


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> I have tried to keep the holidays as close as normal for the kids as a can. Actually, I have tried to keep most things as close to normal for them. To varying results. LOL
> 
> For me, I don't feel the weirdness anymore. This is my life now and I have thrown myself into it. If that makes sense?


How many kids do you have, and how old are they? Do you have full custody?



Numb26 said:


> Thanks! I think my wounds are finally starting to heal. I don't think about what happen anymore and it doesn't tear me up inside during those times when I do have to talk/see the ex. Isn't progress great?!?


This is great for you!! Just remember, the end of significant relationships is really like a death, and you are going to fully go through the grieving process...there is NO way to circumvent any of it. You have to just deal with it the best you can, and be ready for how painful it can be. BUT...there IS healing on the other side!! And freedom...and PEACE.


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> How many kids do you have, and how old are they? Do you have full custody?
> 
> 
> This is great for you!! Just remember, the end of significant relationships is really like a death, and you are going to fully go through the grieving process...there is NO way to circumvent any of it. You have to just deal with it the best you can, and be ready for how painful it can be. BUT...there IS healing on the other side!! And freedom...and PEACE.


3 kids. 2 girls 12 and 6, boy 10. I have full custody, ex has state supervised visitations.


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> 3 kids. 2 girls 12 and 6, boy 10. I have full custody, ex has state supervised visitations.


Oh boy...I can't imagine the horror-show that lead to that, but you seem like you are climbing out of it now at least. 
I'm sure you know, but there are still going to be emotional lows for you before you are even close to fully healed, you just keep marching forward. Feel the sad/hurt/hopeless feelings and then let them go!

I hope your kids are doing well...what a terrible age for them to go through this. Mine were a little younger, but that almost made it easier, because they weren't fully aware of what was happening, and I could tell them any fairy tale story about things, and they would feel secure and happy with it. Just love them fiercely, and alot of it will heal on it's own for them.


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> Oh boy...I can't imagine the horror-show that lead to that, but you seem like you are climbing out of it now at least.
> I'm sure you know, but there are still going to be emotional lows for you before you are even close to fully healed, you just keep marching forward. Feel the sad/hurt/hopeless feelings and then let them go!
> 
> I hope your kids are doing well...what a terrible age for them to go through this. Mine were a little younger, but that almost made it easier, because they weren't fully aware of what was happening, and I could tell them any fairy tale story about things, and they would feel secure and happy with it. Just love them fiercely, and alot of it will heal on it's own for them.


 It's the oldest that is having the most issues


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## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> It's the oldest that is having the most issues


How awful...she's at the worst age for all that mess. Is she able to see a counselor where she can vent all her painful feelings?


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> How awful...she's at the worst age for all that mess. Is she able to see a counselor where she can vent all her painful feelings?


I have her in therapy but she refuses to talk to her mother


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> I have her in therapy but she refuses to talk to her mother


Well, as someone who has always had a very contentious relationship with her own mother, I hope her choice is being respected and supported. It might make her mom feel bad, but that's not really your daughter's responsibility to fix...SHE is the child, her responsibility in any relationship with her parents is to be the one allowed to BE herself, and FEEL the way she needs to feel. No child's job is to protect or take care of their parent, especially emotionally. It's too great a burden for any child. Of course she's angry, she's right and deserves to have permission to feel that way. 

Not that you aren't doing that, or doing anything wrong, but it's similar to the burden that my mom put on me (and my siblings), so I definitely identify with your daughter more than her mother. 

It's great that she is in therapy...she will learn coping skills that she will be able to use for the rest of her life!


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> Well, as someone who has always had a very contentious relationship with her own mother, I hope her choice is being respected and supported. It might make her mom feel bad, but that's not really your daughter's responsibility to fix...SHE is the child, her responsibility in any relationship with her parents is to be the one allowed to BE herself, and FEEL the way she needs to feel. No child's job is to protect or take care of their parent, especially emotionally. It's too great a burden for any child. Of course she's angry, she's right and deserves to have permission to feel that way.
> 
> Not that you aren't doing that, or doing anything wrong, but it's similar to the burden that my mom put on me (and my siblings), so I definitely identify with your daughter more than her mother.
> 
> It's great that she is in therapy...she will learn coping skills that she will be able to use for the rest of her life!


Believe me, I have never once forced her to see or talk to her mom. All I have ever said was that no matter what has happened that the ex will always be her mother.


----------



## Lila

Being as this is the singles thread, and most of us are trying to date, I thought it would be interesting to talk about..... Talking. 

What are some of your secrets to being a good conversationalist?


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Being as this is the singles thread, and most of us are trying to date, I thought it would be interesting to talk about..... Talking.
> 
> What are some of your secrets to being a good conversationalist?


Although I'm an introvert, I can talk to anyone about quite a variety of topics. My tips are to be observant, listen not just to give a retort, but to ask questions that show interest and garner info on the down-low. Paying attention to body language can also indicate if someone is bored, upset, or annoyed. 

Not to mention, people love when you're interested in them, especially if you bring up relevant details they may have mentioned earlier in that conversation, or previous conversations. It shows you care and makes them feel seen. I've maintained friendships with men who I didn't hit it off romantically, but they valued candor, humor, and kindness.

I try to be authentic, even if it makes me look stupid, not everyone appreciates my sense of humor, but I rather offend someone right off the bat cause if a dude's too serious or judgy, we're not going to get along, much less go to boogytown. I've found it makes other people comfortable with me, b/c they see me in my imperfection and they become less anxious and free to talk about all sorts of things. 

I find that if you can ferret out something someone is passionate about, you can gain a lot of insight into their character. Even simple topics can leader to deeper conversation on someone's values. When I was dating, I didn't do pointed 20 questions, I'd share something about me, and usually that led to them sharing something about them, and so it went.


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> Believe me, I have never once forced her to see or talk to her mom. All I have ever said was that no matter what has happened that the ex will always be her mother.


I wasn't trying to judge you or tell you what to do at all - you know your daughter, her mother, and the situation more than I do!!

I know how trying and overwhelming what you are dealing with is, my kids have had NO contact with their father since we left, and they are all in their early 20s. They are happy and well-adjusted, and actually really fun people for me to be around!! That's the best part of being a parent to me, I've created my own "tribe" of my most favorite people in the world!!!! It's been worth all the struggle and sacrifice. Hang in there...you sound like you are doing just fine!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Being as this is the singles thread, and most of us are trying to date, I thought it would be interesting to talk about..... Talking.
> 
> What are some of your secrets to being a good conversationalist?


I try to listen and ask follow up questions on what they are speaking about, even if I have no interest. I remember specific things they say and bring them up at later times. You’d be surprised how impressed people can be when you remembered the littlest detail. I have been a manager for a very long time and I’ve had to work on conversations over the years. I’ve gotten better, I think. I’m still rather direct and that turns some people off. More so on TAM then in real life.


----------



## Hiner112

It's kind of interesting how all of the separations and divorces overlap. 

@notmyjamie separated Oct 2018 and divorced Feb 2020
@Numb26 single since Sept 2019
I separated Sept 2018 and divorced March 2020
@RebuildingMe has been in divorce purgatory forever but when I first got here when I was separating he seemed to be in a similar situation then.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Although I'm an introvert, I can talk to anyone about quite a variety of topics. My tips are to be observant, listen not just to give a retort, but to ask questions that show interest and garner info on the down-low. *Paying attention to body language can also indicate if someone is bored, upset, or annoyed.*
> 
> Not to mention, people love when you're interested in them, especially if you bring up relevant details they may have mentioned earlier in that conversation, or previous conversations. It shows you care and makes them feel seen. I've maintained friendships with men who I didn't hit it off romantically, but they valued candor, humor, and kindness.
> 
> I try to be authentic, even if it makes me look stupid, not everyone appreciates my sense of humor, but I rather offend someone right off the bat cause if a dude's too serious or judgy, we're not going to get along, much less go to boogytown. I've found it makes other people comfortable with me, b/c they see me in my imperfection and they become less anxious and free to talk about all sorts of things.
> 
> I find that if you can ferret out something someone is passionate about, you can gain a lot of insight into their character. *Even simple topics can leader to deeper conversation on someone's values. When I was dating, I didn't do pointed 20 questions, I'd share something about me, and usually that led to them sharing something about them, and so it went.*


I share many of the same communication styles that you mention above. 

I rely a lot on body language and voice inflection/tone/pace to communicate in a "not just the facts/lawyerish" way. Texting and other non verbal ways of communicating are very difficult for me. I come off as a robot when I don't have the body language or voice to tell me how the other person feels. Is there a trick to sounding smooth in text?


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I try to listen and ask follow up questions on what they are speaking about, even if I have no interest. I remember specific things they say and bring them up at later times. You’d be surprised how impressed people can be when you remembered the littlest detail. I have been a manager for a very long time and I’ve had to work on conversations over the years. I’ve gotten better, I think. I’m still rather direct and that turns some people off. More so on TAM then in real life.


Listening is a dying art. Ever read the one minute manager? 

I understand asking questions to not be rude but in a date situation, why would you continue down s line if questioning where you have no interest? No right or wrong answer, just curious.


----------



## Lila

Hiner112 said:


> It's kind of interesting how all of the separations and divorces overlap.
> 
> @notmyjamie separated Oct 2018 and divorced Feb 2020
> @Numb26 single since Sept 2019
> I separated Sept 2018 and divorced March 2020
> @RebuildingMe has been in divorce purgatory forever but when I first got here when I was separating he seemed to be in a similar situation then.



I'm in that pack as well. Separated August 2018, divorced December 2018.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Listening is a dying art. Ever read the one minute manager?
> 
> I understand asking questions to not be rude but in a date situation, why would you continue down s line if questioning where you have no interest? No right or wrong answer, just curious.


Yes I have read that book. Also, who moved my cheese. I think it’s required reading for all managers at one point or another.

I may have interest in the person, not the topic. So asking about something that excites them enough that they want to talk about it shows overall interest.


----------



## Affaircare

RebuildingMe said:


> What a disaster


I realize you wrote this 3 days ago, but you never went any further. You okay?


----------



## lifeistooshort

I find that acknowledging what you heard goes a long way and asking more questions is a bonus. Even if its not something you think you'd be interested in you might be surprised if you keep an open mind.

Ask questions that you would like to know about and you can find many things interesting. Don't wait for your partner to offer things you find interesting.

My bf's job isn't one I'd want but I'll still ask him about his more difficult cases and I do find the answers interesting.

An engaged partner if both a more interested and interesting partner, and you can learn a lot about someone just by listening to their day to day stories.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I share many of the same communication styles that you mention above.
> 
> I rely a lot on body language and voice inflection/tone/pace to communicate in a "not just the facts/lawyerish" way. Texting and other non verbal ways of communicating are very difficult for me. I come off as a robot when I don't have the body language or voice to tell me how the other person feels. Is there a trick to sounding smooth in text?


Ha! You're my com twin then. I HATE text and come across as "clinical" or grumpy to quote my bf. His problem, since he prefers texting to calling and I take great pleasur in reminding him of that every time he complains when I'm too logical or short.  

If there's a trick to sounding smooth in text, share it! 



Lila said:


> I'm in that pack as well. Separated August 2018, divorced December 2018.


Add me in. DD 09/19, filed 10/19, divorce final 03/20.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Ha! You're my com twin then. I HATE text and come across as "clinical" or grumpy to quote my bf. His problem, since he prefers texting to calling and I take great pleasur in reminding him of that every time he complains when I'm too logical or short.
> 
> If there's a trick to sounding smooth in text, share it!
> 
> 
> Add me in. DD 09/19, filed 10/19, divorce final 03/20.


You and I are almost on the same exact timeline!


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> You and I are almost on the same exact timeline!


Yeah, that's why I was asking how you were managing. I didn't have kids to worry about though, just myself. Hope you all are doing better, I see you've got some issues. No advice, just good wishes.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Affaircare said:


> I realize you wrote this 3 days ago, but you never went any further. You okay?


STBX “beat” me to the tax return and claimed both of our kids after i nicely emailed her two weeks ago telling we’d split the kids and which one I was claiming. My return was rejected. My filing status is now changed and this cost me a difference $8000. Already spoke to my lawyer, but filing a motion will cost another $3000 and it’s a gray area because custody hasn’t been established either way. She continues to wage war in every way possible. I just hope the judge sees her behavior and holds her accountable.


----------



## Affaircare

RebuildingMe said:


> STBX “beat” me to the tax return and claimed both of our kids after i nicely emailed her two weeks ago telling we’d split the kids and which one I was claiming. My return was rejected. My filing status is now changed and this cost me a difference $8000. Already spoke to my lawyer, but filing a motion will cost another $3000 and it’s a gray area because custody hasn’t been established either way. She continues to wage war in every way possible. I just hope the judge sees her behavior and holds her accountable.


The exW of my dear hubby who passed did this to us one year. We literally kept the kids 95% of the time (documented) and she had a JD degree and everything but didn't pay child support...and she took the tax refund for all three kids. I was so mad I just about blew a gasket. Our position was "if you want they tax advantage, you also need to take the responsibility" but you know...she was just doing it to be spiteful. I mean, she was working in a legal firm, was single, had no kids...and we were barely scraping by, working just above minimum wage, and had five kids between the two of us. She didn't need it and we really could have used it. 

But oh well. Life's not fair. 

*Note to self:* the IRS determines "custodial parent" by federal tax law when there isn't a custody order in place. Federal tax law says that a custodial parent (_for tax purposes, anyways_) is the parent who the child lives with for the majority of nights per year. If both parents spent an equal amount of time with the child, then the parent with the highest adjusted gross income is the custodial parent (by default). 

Thus, since your return was rejected, if you are the custodial parent for tax purposes, what you can do is PAPER FILE it and snail mail it. That way an actual person opens it and looks it over. Before you snail mail in your return, you probably want to contact the IRS (for an individual, call 800-829-1040 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. local time) and tell them what happened, and they may require you to include documentation of your dependent when you initially mail your return in. 

If they don't, once they get your snail mail return, you and/or your ex will receive audit request letters from the IRS. Read this letter over carefully as it will let you know exactly what documentation you will need to provide to the IRS to prove you are the custodial parent for tax purposes. Mail the requested documentation to the IRS. Finally, wait for a response from the IRS. Now, this is time consuming and there’s really no way around that. In most cases, the IRS needs to wait on both parties involved to submit documentation and make their determination on who can claim the dependent child.

Long story short, if an ex or STBW claims a dependent when they are not legally permitted to do so, it opens them up to liability for taxes, penalties, and interest from the IRS (in other words, SHE would owe the +$8k or whatever, plus penalties and interest) as well as repercussions with the family law court when the custody is decided! If they find that the claiming of the child was intentional, a parent may have committed tax fraud, which can be a criminal offense. Likewise, if one parent can show that the other committed tax fraud, let's just say that the judge would take that into consideration when determining custody. 

So I get it +$8k is ****ty, but don't just necessarily "accept it"...just PAPER FILE and let them audit you and her, and prove you should have been the custodial parent. She will have her taxes reversed along with taxes, penalty and interest she didn't pay...and you will have your proper return. HOWEVER, it will take a long time to finally get it all straightened out so just hang in there and be patient.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> STBX “beat” me to the tax return and claimed both of our kids after i nicely emailed her two weeks ago telling we’d split the kids and which one I was claiming. My return was rejected. My filing status is now changed and this cost me a difference $8000. Already spoke to my lawyer, but filing a motion will cost another $3000 and it’s a gray area because custody hasn’t been established either way. She continues to wage war in every way possible. I just hope the judge sees her behavior and holds her accountable.


UGH, I hope she gets something nasty from her latest ****boi. What a despicable female.


Affaircare said:


> So I get it +$8k is ****ty, but don't just necessarily "accept it"...just PAPER FILE and let them audit you and her, and prove you should have been the custodial parent. She will have her taxes reversed along with taxes, penalty and interest she didn't pay...and you will have your proper return. HOWEVER, it will take a long time to finally get it all straightened out so just hang in there and be patient.


***** want to throw Molotovs? Burn that mofo to the ground! Force that audit!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Affaircare said:


> The exW of my dear hubby who passed did this to us one year. We literally kept the kids 95% of the time (documented) and she had a JD degree and everything but didn't pay child support...and she took the tax refund for all three kids. I was so mad I just about blew a gasket. Our position was "if you want they tax advantage, you also need to take the responsibility" but you know...she was just doing it to be spiteful. I mean, she was working in a legal firm, was single, had no kids...and we were barely scraping by, working just above minimum wage, and had five kids between the two of us. She didn't need it and we really could have used it.
> 
> But oh well. Life's not fair.
> 
> *Note to self:* the IRS determines "custodial parent" by federal tax law when there isn't a custody order in place. Federal tax law says that a custodial parent (_for tax purposes, anyways_) is the parent who the child lives with for the majority of nights per year. If both parents spent an equal amount of time with the child, then the parent with the highest adjusted gross income is the custodial parent (by default).
> 
> Thus, since your return was rejected, if you are the custodial parent for tax purposes, what you can do is PAPER FILE it and snail mail it. That way an actual person opens it and looks it over. Before you snail mail in your return, you probably want to contact the IRS (for an individual, call 800-829-1040 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. local time) and tell them what happened, and they may require you to include documentation of your dependent when you initially mail your return in.
> 
> If they don't, once they get your snail mail return, you and/or your ex will receive audit request letters from the IRS. Read this letter over carefully as it will let you know exactly what documentation you will need to provide to the IRS to prove you are the custodial parent for tax purposes. Mail the requested documentation to the IRS. Finally, wait for a response from the IRS. Now, this is time consuming and there’s really no way around that. In most cases, the IRS needs to wait on both parties involved to submit documentation and make their determination on who can claim the dependent child.
> 
> Long story short, if an ex or STBW claims a dependent when they are not legally permitted to do so, it opens them up to liability for taxes, penalties, and interest from the IRS (in other words, SHE would owe the +$8k or whatever, plus penalties and interest) as well as repercussions with the family law court when the custody is decided! If they find that the claiming of the child was intentional, a parent may have committed tax fraud, which can be a criminal offense. Likewise, if one parent can show that the other committed tax fraud, let's just say that the judge would take that into consideration when determining custody.
> 
> So I get it +$8k is ****ty, but don't just necessarily "accept it"...just PAPER FILE and let them audit you and her, and prove you should have been the custodial parent. She will have her taxes reversed along with taxes, penalty and interest she didn't pay...and you will have your proper return. HOWEVER, it will take a long time to finally get it all straightened out so just hang in there and be patient.


My lawyer sent her new lawyer an email asking her to amend her return or else we will seek an 8k “marital waste” claim at time of trial and seek costs and legal fees against the sale of the house. Her difficult nature is clearly documented, I just hope the judges sees it and rules accordingly.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> UGH, I hope she gets something nasty from her latest ****boi. What a despicable female.
> 
> *** want to throw Molotovs? Burn that mofo to the ground! Force that audit!


You crack me up! You also make me smile


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> You crack me up! You also make me smile


My comment might sound funny, but it comes from absolute disgust and outrage. Even if she hates you, I can't imagine how she can behave like this with innocent, impressionable children in the mix soaking all this poison up like a sponge.

Some people don't respect anything but strength and annihilation tactics.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> My comment might sound funny, but it comes from absolute disgust and outrage. Even if she hates you, I can't imagine how she can behave like this with innocent, impressionable children in the mix soaking all this position up like a sponge.


You are fast becoming my favorite person and my hero...Lol!!!


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> You are fast becoming my favorite person and my hero...Lol!!!


Awww thanks chick. You're a doll, don't let my degenerate self corrupt you!


----------



## Not

BF has been dropping hints. 

He's had plans to gut and redo his bathroom for a couple of years and has decided to do it this summer. He bought a fixer upper about 5 years ago and has been busy renovating ever since. A few months ago he said his plan is to rip out the tub and install a shower stall instead but the other night as we walked through Lowe's past the shower/tub section he said he had changed his mind. He's decided to put a new tub in, for me. Said he put a lot of thought into it. He knows I like my baths.

He's also saying he's going to get his hands on another night stand, for my side of the bed. Also a cushy patio bench for the front porch for our morning coffee and sunrises. He gets to sounding serious when he's saying these things, sort of like he's testing the waters and nervous about my reaction to these plans. Heck, I get nervous when he's saying these things lol! I think he picks up on that and that's why he hasn't said anything outright. I do get nervous but at the same time I'm all excited on the inside!

We met a year ago next month. I've been putting a lot of thought into this as well but I'm waiting for the one year mark before I'll say anything to him. We spend so much time together, 5 days/nights a week on average for months now. We have a really good idea what living together would be like. I'm seriously liking the idea of co-habitating. It's so pathetic to say but I dreamed about meeting someone like BF for the last decade I was married. Someone to share everything with, someone to navigate life with-together. I never had that special connection when I was married.

I have no reason for putting this all out there outside of just needing to say it out loud. Until last night I hadn't told anyone but last night as I talked with my sister I mentioned it. She's looking into moving out here and I told her she and her family has to stay with me and if I end up moving in with BF she could stay at my house for as long as she needed, rent free, because I had planned on letting it sit empty for about a year after I move into BF's anyway, enough time to make sure things would work out. I wouldn't move in with BF until after the bathroom remodel is finished, sometime this coming summer. 

If my sis moves out here she'd be set with a place to stay while she gets established and I'll have someone I trust in my home to sort of house sit for a year. It'd be a win-win for both of us. If it works out for the first year I'll then rent my place out after sis and family find their own place. It's paid for and I'm keeping it, not giving up my house for anything. I love that place to much and it'll be easy to find renters in this area.

Child support ends in May for my DD18 who will then be 19 and has plans to get an apartment with her BF at some point in the near future. DD25 moved into her own place back in December. This is the only part that has me feeling hesitant. What if they need me? I've always been there for my girls and I'm feeling guilty, like I'd somehow be abandoning them. They're older and ready to start their own lives but I still feel like moving into a place where there is no room for them is a bad mom move. Don't get me wrong! I want them out on their own but I worry about them too!

Ok, I got it all out lol! Thoughts that've been swirling and need to be let loose.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> BF has been dropping hints.
> 
> He's had plans to gut and redo his bathroom for a couple of years and has decided to do it this summer. He bought a fixer upper about 5 years ago and has been busy renovating ever since. A few months ago he said his plan is to rip out the tub and install a shower stall instead but the other night as we walked through Lowe's past the shower/tub section he said he had changed his mind. He's decided to put a new tub in, for me. Said he put a lot of thought into it. He knows I like my baths.
> 
> He's also saying he's going to get his hands on another night stand, for my side of the bed. Also a cushy patio bench for the front porch for our morning coffee and sunrises. He gets to sounding serious when he's saying these things, sort of like he's testing the waters and nervous about my reaction to these plans. Heck, I get nervous when he's saying these things lol! I think he picks up on that and that's why he hasn't said anything outright. I do get nervous but at the same time I'm all excited on the inside!
> 
> We met a year ago next month. I've been putting a lot of thought into this as well but I'm waiting for the one year mark before I'll say anything to him. We spend so much time together, 5 days/nights a week on average for months now. We have a really good idea what living together would be like. I'm seriously liking the idea of co-habitating. It's so pathetic to say but I dreamed about meeting someone like BF for the last decade I was married. Someone to share everything with, someone to navigate life with-together. I never had that special connection when I was married.
> 
> I have no reason for putting this all out there outside of just needing to say it out loud. Until last night I hadn't told anyone but last night as I talked with my sister I mentioned it. She's looking into moving out here and I told her she and her family has to stay with me and if I end up moving in with BF she could stay at my house for as long as she needed, rent free, because I had planned on letting it sit empty for about a year after I move into BF's anyway, enough time to make sure things would work out. I wouldn't move in with BF until after the bathroom remodel is finished, sometime this coming summer.
> 
> If my sis moves out here she'd be set with a place to stay while she gets established and I'll have someone I trust in my home to sort of house sit for a year. It'd be a win-win for both of us. If it works out for the first year I'll then rent my place out after sis and family find their own place. It's paid for and I'm keeping it, not giving up my house for anything. I love that place to much and it'll be easy to find renters in this area.
> 
> Child support ends in May for my DD18 who will then be 19 and has plans to get an apartment with her BF at some point in the near future. DD25 moved into her own place back in December. This is the only part that has me feeling hesitant. What if they need me? I've always been there for my girls and I'm feeling guilty, like I'd somehow be abandoning them. They're older and ready to start their own lives but I still feel like moving into a place where there is no room for them is a bad mom move. Don't get me wrong! I want them out on their own but I worry about them too!
> 
> Ok, I got it all out lol! Thoughts that've been swirling and need to be let loose.


Wow! Congratulations! Please don't feel the need to answer, but uhm, how long have you been divorced? I'm asking, b/c I can't imagine living together yet and I met my bf 13 months ago. We don't spend as much time together as you guys do though.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Not said:


> BF has been dropping hints.
> 
> He's had plans to gut and redo his bathroom for a couple of years and has decided to do it this summer. He bought a fixer upper about 5 years ago and has been busy renovating ever since. A few months ago he said his plan is to rip out the tub and install a shower stall instead but the other night as we walked through Lowe's past the shower/tub section he said he had changed his mind. He's decided to put a new tub in, for me. Said he put a lot of thought into it. He knows I like my baths.
> 
> He's also saying he's going to get his hands on another night stand, for my side of the bed. Also a cushy patio bench for the front porch for our morning coffee and sunrises. He gets to sounding serious when he's saying these things, sort of like he's testing the waters and nervous about my reaction to these plans. Heck, I get nervous when he's saying these things lol! I think he picks up on that and that's why he hasn't said anything outright. I do get nervous but at the same time I'm all excited on the inside!
> 
> We met a year ago next month. I've been putting a lot of thought into this as well but I'm waiting for the one year mark before I'll say anything to him. We spend so much time together, 5 days/nights a week on average for months now. We have a really good idea what living together would be like. I'm seriously liking the idea of co-habitating. It's so pathetic to say but I dreamed about meeting someone like BF for the last decade I was married. Someone to share everything with, someone to navigate life with-together. I never had that special connection when I was married.
> 
> I have no reason for putting this all out there outside of just needing to say it out loud. Until last night I hadn't told anyone but last night as I talked with my sister I mentioned it. She's looking into moving out here and I told her she and her family has to stay with me and if I end up moving in with BF she could stay at my house for as long as she needed, rent free, because I had planned on letting it sit empty for about a year after I move into BF's anyway, enough time to make sure things would work out. I wouldn't move in with BF until after the bathroom remodel is finished, sometime this coming summer.
> 
> If my sis moves out here she'd be set with a place to stay while she gets established and I'll have someone I trust in my home to sort of house sit for a year. It'd be a win-win for both of us. If it works out for the first year I'll then rent my place out after sis and family find their own place. It's paid for and I'm keeping it, not giving up my house for anything. I love that place to much and it'll be easy to find renters in this area.
> 
> Child support ends in May for my DD18 who will then be 19 and has plans to get an apartment with her BF at some point in the near future. DD25 moved into her own place back in December. This is the only part that has me feeling hesitant. What if they need me? I've always been there for my girls and I'm feeling guilty, like I'd somehow be abandoning them. They're older and ready to start their own lives but I still feel like moving into a place where there is no room for them is a bad mom move. Don't get me wrong! I want them out on their own but I worry about them too!
> 
> Ok, I got it all out lol! Thoughts that've been swirling and need to be let loose.


I’m excited for you. You and your bf really hit it off from the start. Keeping your house is a great idea. Safety net, should you need it. It keeps you in the correct frame of mind to do what’s best for you. I hope it works out. Since you two spend so much time together, hopefully there won’t be any surprises.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Wow! Congratulations! Please don't feel the need to answer, but uhm, how long have you been divorced? I'm asking, b/c I can't imagine living together yet and I met my bf 13 months ago. We don't spend as much time together as you guys do though.


My divorce was final 2/2018. I don't look at it that way though. I look at it in terms of how long I've been alone. I was alone long before my marriage ended. The marriage died way back, 2010.


----------



## Not

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m excited for you. You and your bf really hit it off from the start. Keeping your house is a great idea. Safety net, should you need it. It keeps you in the correct frame of mind to do what’s best for you. I hope it works out. Since you two spend so much time together, hopefully there won’t be any surprises.



Thank you Rebuilding. I'm really happy with him, he's a great guy.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> My divorce was final 2/2018. I don't look at it that way though. I look at it in terms of how long I've been alone. I was alone long before my marriage ended. The marriage died way back, 2010.


Oh, I'm not judging I'm happy for you, I remember the dudes you mentioned dating before, and Tank always stood out. I understand exactly what you mean about being lonely long before your marriage ended. If I'm honest, mine died in 2011 when I found out about the first EA, we'd already been sexless by that point. 

The reason I asked is b/c I'm trying to gauge my own feelings about cohabitating and I thought we had a lot of thoughts in common reading some of your posts earlier in this thread. Anyway, I'm trying to think forward about what I want, long-term. I've never lived with a man without marriage and I'm not sure if I want to remarry and trying to sort that out.

It's come up in conversation within the last few months, my bf would like to live together at some point, but we're both otherwise committed for at least another year or two. I'm comfortable now, but I have to consider my bf's needs too, so I'm just collecting information here.


----------



## Hiner112

Reading stories like @RebuildingMe 's makes me appreciate the relationship I have with my ex. For instance, she said I should claim both the kids since I had higher income but after doing my taxes, I realized that her being able to claim one of them would make a bigger difference to her (head of household filing, EIC, and child tax credit) than me not being able to claim both (only half the child tax credit), so I told her to claim one. She confirmed I was sure before telling the person doing her taxes to claim one.

I'm pretty sure what we do is how its _supposed_ to work instead of whatever is going on with him.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> Reading stories like @RebuildingMe 's makes me appreciate the relationship I have with my ex. For instance, she said I should claim both the kids since I had higher income but after doing my taxes, I realized that her being able to claim one of them would make a bigger difference to her (head of household filing, EIC, and child tax credit) than me not being able to claim both (only half the child tax credit), so I told her to claim one. She confirmed I was sure before telling the person doing her taxes to claim one.
> 
> I'm pretty sure what we do is how its _supposed_ to work instead of whatever is going on with him.


It is how it’s supposed to work. It’s better for the mental health of the kids as well as the parents. I never had that opportunity. As soon as I asked for 50/50 visitation and declined her every other weekend offer, the divorce went off a cliff. It was doomed from the start.


----------



## farsidejunky

Lila said:


> Being as this is the singles thread, and most of us are trying to date, I thought it would be interesting to talk about..... Talking.
> 
> What are some of your secrets to being a good conversationalist?


One of my old bosses from recruiting had what he called the three bridges. He would ask an open-ended question, then follow up with one of them:

*In what way?

*How so?

*Tell me more about X.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Hiner112

On a related note, my ex has a friend that is heading towards divorce because she caught her husband cheating and my ex is really frustrated with her unrealistic expectations and lack of regular adult knowledge. Some examples:


She didn't know that the house they lived in actually belonged to her mother in law.
She wants full custody because she won't be able to maintain a decent (to her) lifestyle without child support.
She has no idea how much her STBXH makes.
She has no idea how budgets work and what she can afford, especially on her own.
She has no idea if there was any savings anywhere or not.
She's outraged about the affair but has already taken their kids to the house of guys (plural) she's been dating since the separation / DD.
She makes a little over half what my ex does and recently visited my ex's house. She called it "cute but really outdated". She still hasn't figured out that she probably couldn't afford it.
She has no idea what bills like health and car insurance actually cost since she's never paid any of it or paid any attention.
My ex and I have used this as a teachable moment for our kids. (IE don't be this person).

We both (the ex and I) expect a terrible legal battle and financial ruin for everyone. Probably less so for the XH since he must have actually known what was going on financially and can actually adult. Presumably.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Oh, I'm not judging I'm happy for you, I remember the dudes you mentioned dating before, and Tank always stood out. I understand exactly what you mean about being lonely long before your marriage ended. If I'm honest, mine died in 2011 when I found out about the first EA, we'd already been sexless by that point.
> 
> The reason I asked is b/c I'm trying to gauge my own feelings about cohabitating and I thought we had a lot of thoughts in common reading some of your posts earlier in this thread. Anyway, I'm trying to think forward about what I want, long-term. I've never lived with a man without marriage and I'm not sure if I want to remarry and trying to sort that out.
> 
> It's come up in conversation within the last few months, my bf would like to live together at some point, but we're both otherwise committed for at least another year or two. I'm comfortable now, but I have to consider my bf's needs too, so I'm just collecting information here.


I've been open to the idea of cohabitating if I wound up meeting the right person and I have but at the same time I so value having my own space and home but that's the introvert side of me talking. I do ask myself if I've given myself enough time being out on my own, time for me to do my thing. 

I was married for so long and after my divorce I felt strongly about having time and space to myself, something I had never had before. I wanted to see how I would do out on my own and I wanted space so I could live my life for me and me alone but at the same time all I had ever wanted from the start was to know what a great relationship is like, to live that with someone special. A true partner. I value family and want that with someone.

Right now my thought process is this...I've got a great guy so why not take the chance? He's shown that he's willing to make compromises in his life for me, change little things he thinks benefit me and would make me happy. He wants us to work so he's doing what he thinks needs to be done for that to happen. I'll be compromising for him in my own ways. We're both happily willing to do this so why not take the plunge?

Marriage? That's something I'm open to later on but it's not a goal. If we arrive there, if we find that we've traveled along a road that led us to that place then I wouldn't turn back but it's not something I'm willing to jump into without traveling along the road that leads us there first. If that makes any sense at all lol!


----------



## Lila

farsidejunky said:


> One of my old bosses from recruiting had what he called the three bridges. He would ask an open-ended question, then follow up with one of them:
> 
> *In what way?
> 
> **How so?*
> 
> *Tell me more about X.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


That's my go to question. Mostly because I'm genuinely interested but it's also a great way to get the other person to open up.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I've been open to the idea of cohabitating if I wound up meeting the right person and I have but at the same time I so value having my own space and home but that's the introvert side of me talking. I do ask myself if I've given myself enough time being out on my own, time for me to do my thing.
> 
> I was married for so long and after my divorce I felt strongly about having time and space to myself, something I had never had before. I wanted to see how I would do out on my own and I wanted space so I could live my life for me and me alone but at the same time all I had ever wanted from the start was to know what a great relationship is like, to live that with someone special. A true partner. I value family and want that with someone.
> 
> Right now my thought process is this...I've got a great guy so why not take the chance? He's shown that he's willing to make compromises in his life for me, change little things he thinks benefit me and would make me happy. He wants us to work so he's doing what he thinks needs to be done for that to happen. I'll be compromising for him in my own ways. We're both happily willing to do this so why not take the plunge?
> 
> Marriage? That's something I'm open to later on but it's not a goal. If we arrive there, if we find that we've traveled along a road that led us to that place then I wouldn't turn back but it's not something I'm willing to jump into without traveling along the road that leads us there first. If that makes any sense at all lol!


Thank you for sharing your perspective, I guess I'm trying to determine the true reason for my anxiety if it's us or just my life-stage. Like you, I value family although I don't have children and want a true partnership. I think the main difference between you and me is you have everything together, and I'm still a work-in-progress.

My bf is open to marriage with the right person but doesn't necessarily need it, but he does want to cohabitate eventually. I thought it was too soon to consider it, but then I'm seeing other couples considering serious milestones that made me reconsider. We're both introverts who like our alone time, so I doubt we'd be up each other's butt. 

I have reservations about living together, b/c one thing that could be contentious is levels of cleanliness. I'm not a neat freak, I have an acceptable level of disorder I can live with, but I need a clean kitchen and bathroom. I did 100% of the housework in my marriage, even after I worked FT b/c I worked from home and had more "free time", despite my health issues. 

I don't want to deal with unequal household burdens again, especially since I know I'd be doing 100% of the cooking (I'm a picky eater and the more skilled cook by far). I don't see the point of being the "wife" if I'm not the wife, but it would be nice to spend more time together, hence the conundrum. You know how men don't see the logic in buying the cow if they can get the milk for free? Well, I'm wondering if cohabitating is worth it to get a little sausage.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Not said:


> BF has been dropping hints.
> 
> He's had plans to gut and redo his bathroom for a couple of years and has decided to do it this summer. He bought a fixer upper about 5 years ago and has been busy renovating ever since. A few months ago he said his plan is to rip out the tub and install a shower stall instead but the other night as we walked through Lowe's past the shower/tub section he said he had changed his mind. He's decided to put a new tub in, for me. Said he put a lot of thought into it. He knows I like my baths.
> 
> He's also saying he's going to get his hands on another night stand, for my side of the bed. Also a cushy patio bench for the front porch for our morning coffee and sunrises. He gets to sounding serious when he's saying these things, sort of like he's testing the waters and nervous about my reaction to these plans. Heck, I get nervous when he's saying these things lol! I think he picks up on that and that's why he hasn't said anything outright. I do get nervous but at the same time I'm all excited on the inside!
> 
> We met a year ago next month. I've been putting a lot of thought into this as well but I'm waiting for the one year mark before I'll say anything to him. We spend so much time together, 5 days/nights a week on average for months now. We have a really good idea what living together would be like. I'm seriously liking the idea of co-habitating. It's so pathetic to say but I dreamed about meeting someone like BF for the last decade I was married. Someone to share everything with, someone to navigate life with-together. I never had that special connection when I was married.
> 
> I have no reason for putting this all out there outside of just needing to say it out loud. Until last night I hadn't told anyone but last night as I talked with my sister I mentioned it. She's looking into moving out here and I told her she and her family has to stay with me and if I end up moving in with BF she could stay at my house for as long as she needed, rent free, because I had planned on letting it sit empty for about a year after I move into BF's anyway, enough time to make sure things would work out. I wouldn't move in with BF until after the bathroom remodel is finished, sometime this coming summer.
> 
> If my sis moves out here she'd be set with a place to stay while she gets established and I'll have someone I trust in my home to sort of house sit for a year. It'd be a win-win for both of us. If it works out for the first year I'll then rent my place out after sis and family find their own place. It's paid for and I'm keeping it, not giving up my house for anything. I love that place to much and it'll be easy to find renters in this area.
> 
> Child support ends in May for my DD18 who will then be 19 and has plans to get an apartment with her BF at some point in the near future. DD25 moved into her own place back in December. This is the only part that has me feeling hesitant. What if they need me? I've always been there for my girls and I'm feeling guilty, like I'd somehow be abandoning them. They're older and ready to start their own lives but I still feel like moving into a place where there is no room for them is a bad mom move. Don't get me wrong! I want them out on their own but I worry about them too!
> 
> Ok, I got it all out lol! Thoughts that've been swirling and need to be let loose.


Yes...keep the house. It will always be there for you. The rental income is nice too. You can even turn it over to a rental management place and not have to worry about it. You’ll bring in less but it might be worth it to you.

I have an apartment attached to my house that I rent. It pays all but $150/month of my entire mortgage. Should I move to someone else’s house, I will rent the main house out as well. If I move far away, I will turn it over to a company. I would feel much better knowing I have a place that is mine, should I need it 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes...keep the house. It will always be there for you. The rental income is nice too. You can even turn it over to a rental management place and not have to worry about it. You’ll bring in less but it might be worth it to you.
> 
> I have an apartment attached to my house that I rent. It pays all but $150/month of my entire mortgage. Should I move to someone else’s house, I will rent the main house out as well. If I move far away, I will turn it over to a company. I would feel much better knowing I have a place that is mine, should I need it
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Real estate is one of the best ways to create wealth. I have an oceanfront condo in Myrtle Beach that I rent out and I use a management company. If you’re not using the space, rent it out. Good for you.


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> Real estate is one of the best ways to create wealth. I have an oceanfront condo in Myrtle Beach that I rent out and I use a management company. If you’re not using the space, rent it out. Good for you.


Oooh...what’s the July rent look like? Do you do weekly rents?

ETA: dog friendly?


----------



## Laurentium

RebuildingMe said:


> Real estate is one of the best ways to create wealth. I have an oceanfront condo in Myrtle Beach that I rent out and I use a management company. If you’re not using the space, rent it out.


I have to say that my experience has been the opposite. I own what used to be my family home. A while back, I wanted to live in a different area, but wasn't sure if it was permanent. So rather than sell up and move home, I rented out the home, using a management company like you say, and rented a small place to live in the other area. 

Biggest mistake ever, for me. It's a disaster, taxwise. The rental income is taxed at the full rate, but the rent I pay out for where I now live isn't deductible, so I now owe a lot more taxes. Somehow it seems I have to insure both places. I have to pay for a lot of safety inspections of the one I rent out, because I'm now a "landlord", although such inspections are not required if you own your home. If the place I rent out should rise in value, that too will be highly taxed, because I don't live there, but if it falls, I can't deduct that from my taxes. Basically the government now says "you are a landlord, and thus an enemy of the people", even though I don't think of myself as a landlord, because I own exactly one home, and might go back to living there. And thank goodness, I seem to have a reasonable tenant, but if they started damaging my home or refusing to pay rent, it's almost impossible to force them to leave. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to do it.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Thank you for sharing your perspective, I guess I'm trying to determine the true reason for my anxiety if it's us or just my life-stage. Like you, I value family although I don't have children and want a true partnership. I think the main difference between you and me is you have everything together, and I'm still a work-in-progress.
> 
> My bf is open to marriage with the right person but doesn't necessarily need it, but he does want to cohabitate eventually. I thought it was too soon to consider it, but then I'm seeing other couples considering serious milestones that made me reconsider. We're both introverts who like our alone time, so I doubt we'd be up each other's butt.
> 
> I have reservations about living together, b/c one thing that could be contentious is levels of cleanliness. I'm not a neat freak, I have an acceptable level of disorder I can live with, but I need a clean kitchen and bathroom. I did 100% of the housework in my marriage, even after I worked FT b/c I worked from home and had more "free time", despite my health issues.
> 
> I don't want to deal with unequal household burdens again, especially since I know I'd be doing 100% of the cooking (I'm a picky eater and the more skilled cook by far). I don't see the point of being the "wife" if I'm not the wife, but it would be nice to spend more time together, hence the conundrum. You know how men don't see the logic in buying the cow if they can get the milk for free? Well, I'm wondering if cohabitating is worth it to get a little sausage.


I’ve thought a lot about all of that as well. There are little things he does that irk me and I’m sure vice versa. He leaves globs of toothpaste in the sink which I just can’t wrap my mind around lol! How does that even happen? 😆 He’s very gung ho with projects and is always on the go but I am way more laid back and really enjoy my downtime. I know he'll be dragging me up off the couch at times and I'll be dragging him down onto the couch to cuddle and make him take a break at other times. We definitely have our differences but nothing worth giving up on each other for.

Another thing is kids. Mine are all grown but his are 10 and 13 so that was a big concern for me. His kids and I get along very well though but me moving in may change that dynamic. I’ve seriously had it up to my eyeballs after 25 years of doing everyone else’s laundry so that’ll be a topic for conversation and meals and dishes and everything else that goes along with day to day life. He’s a very good dad and keeps on top of his cooking, cleaning and shopping so I don’t see any of this being a huge problem but I do need to contribute and I’m not sure exactly how that will end up playing out.

All definitely worth it for the sausage though! 

I've told him from the beginning that my fear, as far as relationships go, is the mundane everyday stuff will take over and smother the love and affection. The chores and bills and everything else will create resentment and make us dig our heels in. I'm determined to not let that happen. I don't want to sweat the little things, all the stuff that really doesn't matter in the bigger picture.


----------



## Not

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes...keep the house. It will always be there for you. The rental income is nice too. You can even turn it over to a rental management place and not have to worry about it. You’ll bring in less but it might be worth it to you.
> 
> I have an apartment attached to my house that I rent. It pays all but $150/month of my entire mortgage. Should I move to someone else’s house, I will rent the main house out as well. If I move far away, I will turn it over to a company. I would feel much better knowing I have a place that is mine, should I need it
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


When I divorced I had to use my half of the retirement to buy and furnish my place and pay off my car so I didn't have much left over to put toward my own retirement. At the time I wasn't sure where my pay with my new position at work would end up so I wanted to make sure I at least had a place to live worry free. That's the direction I'm coming from with renting my place out and may be the only way for me to catch back up to where I need to be as far as retirement goes. I'm 48 and pretty much starting over with retirement.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Laurentium said:


> I have to say that my experience has been the opposite. I own what used to be my family home. A while back, I wanted to live in a different area, but wasn't sure if it was permanent. So rather than sell up and move home, I rented out the home, using a management company like you say, and rented a small place to live in the other area.
> 
> Biggest mistake ever, for me. It's a disaster, taxwise. The rental income is taxed at the full rate, but the rent I pay out for where I now live isn't deductible, so I now owe a lot more taxes. Somehow it seems I have to insure both places. I have to pay for a lot of safety inspections of the one I rent out, because I'm now a "landlord", although such inspections are not required if you own your home. If the place I rent out should rise in value, that too will be highly taxed, because I don't live there, but if it falls, I can't deduct that from my taxes. Basically the government now says "you are a landlord, and thus an enemy of the people", even though I don't think of myself as a landlord, because I own exactly one home, and might go back to living there. And thank goodness, I seem to have a reasonable tenant, but if they started damaging my home or refusing to pay rent, it's almost impossible to force them to leave. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to do it.


You can deduct quite a lot from your rental property. HOA fees, management fees, property taxes, repairs, advertising, two trips to your rental property, insurance, etc. when it’s all said and done, my investment doesn’t show much of a profit as far as what’s reportable.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> Oooh...what’s the July rent look like? Do you do weekly rents?
> 
> ETA: dog friendly?


LOL, hopefully by July, I will be the sole owner. Dogs allowed for owners only  and I don’t have a pet.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I’ve thought a lot about all of that as well. There are little things he does that irk me and I’m sure vice versa. He leaves globs of toothpaste in the sink which I just can’t wrap my mind around lol! How does that even happen? 😆 He’s very gung ho with projects and is always on the go but I am way more laid back and really enjoy my downtime. I know he'll be dragging me up off the couch at times and I'll be dragging him down onto the couch to cuddle and make him take a break at other times. We definitely have our differences but nothing worth giving up on each other for.
> 
> Another thing is kids. Mine are all grown but his are 10 and 13 so that was a big concern for me. His kids and I get along very well though but me moving in may change that dynamic. I’ve seriously had it up to my eyeballs after 25 years of doing everyone else’s laundry so that’ll be a topic for conversation and meals and dishes and everything else that goes along with day to day life. He’s a very good dad and keeps on top of his cooking, cleaning and shopping so I don’t see any of this being a huge problem but I do need to contribute and I’m not sure exactly how that will end up playing out.
> 
> All definitely worth it for the sausage though!
> 
> I've told him from the beginning that my fear, as far as relationships go, is the mundane everyday stuff will take over and smother the love and affection. The chores and bills and everything else will create resentment and make us dig our heels in. I'm determined to not let that happen. I don't want to sweat the little things, all the stuff that really doesn't matter in the bigger picture.


Have you two discussed these things? They might seem little and mundane now, but how many times have we seen people complain about unequal household labor? What's his custody arrangement? does he have them 50% or every other weekend? 

My b/f's son is 16 now, and he's fully committed to prioritizing him for the next 2 years while he still has that arrangement. The ONLY reason I'm ok with that, is b/c I have other priorities at the moment on the same timeline. He's lost a relationship b/c of this, ironically with a woman who had kids who _should _have been more understanding. 

If we decide to cohabitate in the future, I'd definitely discuss splitting household expenses and labor first. I have no intention to be an "appliance" again. He stays on top of shopping, meals, and laundry, but our idea of running a house is worlds apart. He does convenience food, and I cook almost everything. 

I'm a "princess" for wanting a clean bathroom, said jokingly, but I'm not blind to how those things play out IRL. I love the man, but I'm definitely not viewing him with rose-colored glasses. I'm just at the point where I want peace, and anything that does not add to my life can GTFO. Eh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but something to think about for sure.


----------



## notmyjamie

My exH and I literally JUST finished discussing our taxes and who will claim whom. We have 2 in college and one high schooler...one is taking both college age kids and the other the high schooler since we get a bigger break for her. It's all very civilized. We split everything 50/50 and it all works out great. I can't imagine ever screwing him over and thinking he's just gonna lie down and take it. Not that I'd want to anyway. Amicable works SO much better for coparenting...and since we love our kids we want that to work well. I just don't understand people.

BF and I practically live together. I moved in with him for a while last year due to Covid. I kept getting exposed at work and was terrified of bringing it home to my kids, who are all very high risk with a cardiac problem. So after dating for less than a year, BAM...we were together all the time. We found that we LOVE living together. We fell into it and had no discussions on finances, splitting chores, etc, etc but it all fell into place perfectly. He gravitates towards some chores and I gravitate towards others and we complement each other's strengths very well. If I cook he cleans up and vice versa. Ironically, my ex went to Disney and brought Covid home and infected 2 of my 3 kids. My oldest never got it as I think she actually had it last December but that's a whole 'nother story.

But...we don't really live together even though I sleep there every night. I still have my apartment. I live in two places and it's getting very old. Can't sell or buy my house for another 22 months though so I'm stuck. I'm lucky he is willing to be stuck with me.


----------



## TXTrini

notmyjamie said:


> So after dating for less than a year, BAM...we were together all the time. We found that we LOVE living together. We fell into it and had no discussions on finances, splitting chores, etc, etc but it all fell into place perfectly. He gravitates towards some chores and I gravitate towards others and we complement each other's strengths very well. If I cook he cleans up and vice versa. Ironically, my ex went to Disney and brought him home infected 2 of my 3 kids. My oldest never got it as I think she actually had it last December but that's a whole 'nother story.


I'm glad everything worked out for you, I'm more of a thinker/contingency planner, so I prefer to ensure/negotiate a smooth operation and not depend on things to fall into place.


----------



## notmyjamie

TXTrini said:


> I'm glad everything worked out for you, I'm more of a thinker/contingency planner, so I prefer to ensure/negotiate a smooth operation and not depend on things to fall into place.


I'm usually like that too which is why it's so strange for me. We were thrown into it due to Covid and it's worked out really well. Could have been just the thing to make us break up but thankfully not.


----------



## Lila

I'm still working, yuck, but it's time to live vicariously. 


Anyone doing anything fun this weekend?


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I'm still working, yuck, but it's time to live vicariously.
> 
> 
> Anyone doing anything fun this weekend?


Sorta lol. The current course ends tonight, so scrambling to get **** done and submitted. B/fs here too, so it's definitely more fun  

Hope you have a great one!


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> I'm still working, yuck, but it's time to live vicariously.
> 
> 
> Anyone doing anything fun this weekend?


Had a competition this weekend. Came in fourth!


----------



## Hiner112

Lila said:


> I'm still working, yuck, but it's time to live vicariously.
> 
> 
> Anyone doing anything fun this weekend?


Scrubbing floors, cleaning bathrooms, and finishing taxes.

Also, my oldest's high school musical (Freaky Friday) is streaming tonight at 7 and tomorrow at 2:30.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Starting a kitchen reno. Yay demo day!


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Sorta lol. The current course ends tonight, so scrambling to get **** done and submitted. B/fs here too, so it's definitely more fun
> 
> Hope you have a great one!


That was me last night. I have a deliverable due at midnight tomorrow. I didn't want to have to work on it this weekend so just stayed up last night. Pressed send this morning. Woohoo. Isn't it satisfying as soon as it's submitted?


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Had a competition this weekend. Came in fourth!


Dancing competition??


----------



## Lila

Hiner112 said:


> Scrubbing floors, cleaning bathrooms, and finishing taxes.
> 
> Also, my oldest's high school musical (Freaky Friday) is streaming tonight at 7 and tomorrow at 2:30.


Sounds like my mind of fun weekend. 😁

They are doing virtual musical presentations?


----------



## Lila

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Starting a kitchen reno. Yay demo day!


I hope you can keep that positive attitude going throughout. My Covid project was complete renovation of 2 bathrooms. I started all "yeay" and was about ready to slap someone by the time it was done....3 1/2 months later. 

Hope yours goes much better than mine.


----------



## Hiner112

Lila said:


> Sounds like my mind of fun weekend. 😁
> 
> They are doing virtual musical presentations?


They recorded it over the course of a couple months and then another month or two while they edited and combined all of the video and voice recordings. The license or whatever means that they have to be presentations that cant be paused / recorded so they have set times they are "presenting" it online. Its a lot more like a movie since only half of the scenes are actually on the stage that represents the home.


----------



## Lila

Hiner112 said:


> They recorded it over the course of a couple months and then another month or two while they edited and combined all of the video and voice recordings. The license or whatever means that they have to be presentations that cant be paused / recorded so they have set times they are "presenting" it online. Its a lot more like a movie since only half of the scenes are actually on the stage that represents the home.


That's really cool. Great way to keep the kids involved in drama club during Covid.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Dancing competition??


You DO NOT want to see me dance!! Haha


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> You DO NOT want to see me dance!! Haha


Most men say that before the alcohol starts flowing. Then they turn into John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.... Or they try. Lol


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Most men say that before the alcohol starts flowing. Then they turn into John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.... Or they try. Lol


I couldn't drink enough to get my uncoordinated ass on the floor LOL

No, I had a Strongman Comp Friday and Saturday


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I couldn't drink enough to get my uncoordinated ass on the floor LOL
> 
> No, I had a Strongman Comp Friday and Saturday


Wow! Congratulations on your 4th place finish. Those competitions are brutal. I used to watch them on tv. Never failed someone would blow something out. 

Stay safe!


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Lila said:


> I hope you can keep that positive attitude going throughout. My Covid project was complete renovation of 2 bathrooms. I started all "yeay" and was about ready to slap someone by the time it was done....3 1/2 months later.
> 
> Hope yours goes much better than mine.


I'll let you know on Monday when the contractor tells me how easy it will be to move some ducts, and if my wall is loadbearing and needs a beam. I might feel slappy that soon.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> That was me last night. I have a deliverable due at midnight tomorrow. I didn't want to have to work on it this weekend so just stayed up last night. Pressed send this morning. Woohoo. Isn't it satisfying as soon as it's submitted?


Yup, I got done 3 hrs before deadline and getting some time with the bf. He wanted to come to spend time with me even though I had to work.


----------



## Lila

As part of my life journey as a single person, I often ask myself what is it that the universe/higher power/God is trying to teach me with each experience. I am still processing this last interaction. 

Yesterday I heard from someone in my social circle who I was interested in (he knew it) but who didn't feel the same about me. He started dating a woman almost 20 years his junior in mid 2019. She was, to put it lightly, not sane and drama prone. Before last night, I hadn't heard from him in 2 years. He calls me to "catch up". Says all the right things, "you're such a great catch, you have your **** together, you are the one that got away, yadda, yadda, yadda". Then he tells me how younger/hotter and he broke up soon after the baby was born. I'm like "THE BABY???". It seems he's now starting over (he's got a 25 and 21 year old) with a baby at the age of 53! Apparently he's now having regrets above his life choices. I told him the only appropriate thing I could..."enjoy your time with the new baby. They grow up fast!".


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> As part of my life journey as a single person, I often ask myself what is it that the universe/higher power/God is trying to teach me with each experience. I am still processing this last interaction.
> 
> Yesterday I heard from someone in my social circle who I was interested in (he knew it) but who didn't feel the same about me. He started dating a woman almost 20 years his junior in mid 2019. She was, to put it lightly, not sane and drama prone. Before last night, I hadn't heard from him in 2 years. He calls me to "catch up". Says all the right things, "you're such a great catch, you have your **** together, you are the one that got away, yadda, yadda, yadda". Then he tells me how younger/hotter and he broke up soon after the baby was born. I'm like "THE BABY???". It seems he's now starting over (he's got a 25 and 21 year old) with a baby at the age of 53! Apparently he's now having regrets above his life choices. I told him the only appropriate thing I could..."enjoy your time with the new baby. They grow up fast!".


Sounds like he was fishing


----------



## DownByTheRiver

He's fishing around trying to find someone to have sex with probably.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Sounds like he was fishing


Oh he was fishing alright but I'm not biting. As a matter of fact, I am not even in the same pond as he is (53 year old with a baby). 😳


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> *As part of my life journey as a single person, I often ask myself what is it that the universe/higher power/God is trying to teach me with each experience. I am still processing this last interaction.*
> 
> Yesterday I heard from someone in my social circle who I was interested in (he knew it) but who didn't feel the same about me. He started dating a woman almost 20 years his junior in mid 2019. She was, to put it lightly, not sane and drama prone. Before last night, I hadn't heard from him in 2 years. He calls me to "catch up". Says all the right things, "you're such a great catch, you have your **** together, you are the one that got away, yadda, yadda, yadda". Then he tells me how younger/hotter and he broke up soon after the baby was born. I'm like "THE BABY???". It seems he's now starting over (he's got a 25 and 21 year old) with a baby at the age of 53! Apparently he's now having regrets above his life choices. I told him the only appropriate thing I could..."enjoy your time with the new baby. They grow up fast!".


The lesson is that sometimes bullets are dodged but we're not aware of it at the time.


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## Lila

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's fishing around trying to find someone to have sex with probably.


He can go on looking then because even without all of his baggage, it wasn't going to happen. I may not have been his type 2 years ago, but he's definitely not my type now.


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## Lila

Not said:


> The lesson is that sometimes bullets are dodged but we're not aware of it at the time.


I actually think the universe/higher power/God delivers in strange ways. I have been doubting myself lately. That experience made me realize that things happen for a reason even when they don't feel great at the time.


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## Numb26

Lila said:


> I actually think the universe/higher power/God delivers in strange ways. I have been doubting myself lately. That experience made me realize that things happen for a reason even when they don't feel great at the time.


I don't believe in coincidences either


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## Not

Lila said:


> I actually think the universe/higher power/God delivers in strange ways. I have been doubting myself lately. That experience made me realize that things happen for a reason even when they don't feel great at the time.


And that is exactly what I mean. It may have hurt at the time but it was the perfect thing to happen as far as your life is concerned.


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I don't believe in coincidences either





Not said:


> And that is exactly what I mean. It may have hurt at the time but it was the perfect thing to happen as far as your life is concerned.


I used to tell people that when it came to sins and virtues, I skipped patience and instead doubled down on pride. Hurt pride can be a mind **** for me but I am starting to learn to let it go and have patience. 9/10 times there is reason behind those experiences.


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## Hiner112

Lila said:


> As part of my life journey as a single person, I often ask myself what is it that the universe/higher power/God is trying to teach me with each experience. I am still processing this last interaction.
> 
> Yesterday I heard from someone in my social circle who I was interested in (he knew it) but who didn't feel the same about me. He started dating a woman almost 20 years his junior in mid 2019. She was, to put it lightly, not sane and drama prone. Before last night, I hadn't heard from him in 2 years. He calls me to "catch up". Says all the right things, "you're such a great catch, you have your **** together, you are the one that got away, yadda, yadda, yadda". Then he tells me how younger/hotter and he broke up soon after the baby was born. I'm like "THE BABY???". It seems he's now starting over (he's got a 25 and 21 year old) with a baby at the age of 53! Apparently he's now having regrets above his life choices. I told him the only appropriate thing I could..."enjoy your time with the new baby. They grow up fast!".


I think I get a similar feeling whenever I read women's complaints about their dating pool. My experience so far as been more indirect though. Blanket "men are ..." or "the dating pool sucks" from anonymous internet strangers or HS Facebook "friends". It is hard to not take personally or respond sometimes. I've not run into any fishers of men yet.

The two of them kind of deserved each other since she was crazy and he chose crazy.


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## Numb26

Lila said:


> I used to tell people that when it came to sins and virtues, I skipped patience and instead doubled down on pride. Hurt pride can be a mind **** for me but I am starting to learn to let it go and have patience. 9/10 times there is reason behind those experiences.


Pride can be a devastating thing if not properly controlled, that's for sure


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## Numb26

Hiner112 said:


> I think I get a similar feeling whenever I read women's complaints about their dating pool. My experience so far as been more indirect though. Blanket "men are ..." or "the dating pool sucks" from anonymous internet strangers or HS Facebook "friends". It is sometimes hard to not take personally or respond sometimes. I've not run into any fishers of men yet.
> 
> The two of them kind of deserved each other since she was crazy and he chose crazy.


Seems to me that the "fishers" come out of the woodwork when they either breakup or hear you broke up. At least that's what happened to me.


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## Lila

Hiner112 said:


> I think I get a similar feeling whenever I read women's complaints about their dating pool. My experience so far as been more indirect though. Blanket "men are ..." or *"the dating pool sucks" *from anonymous internet strangers or HS Facebook "friends". It is sometimes hard to not take personally or respond sometimes. I've not run into any fishers of men yet.


I don't think the dating pool sucks but I do think finding compatible partners is harder the older we get. We have more life experience which means more scars, fears, and in general, more responsibilities (kids, mortgages, careers, aging parents)



> The two of them kind of deserved each other since she was crazy and he chose crazy.


I didn't say that to him (no sense rubbing salt into his wound) but I do agree with you. He's got to live with his decision and based on what he said is already taking a heavy toll on him.


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## Andy1001

Numb26 said:


> Seems to me that the "fishers" come out of the woodwork when they either breakup or hear you broke up. At least that's what happened to me.


It’s called being plan B. 
And plan B never becomes plan A.


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Pride can be a devastating thing if not properly controlled, that's for sure


Trust me, I know. You know that saying "pride comes before the fall", well I have the bruises from hitting every darn step down.


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## Numb26

Lila said:


> Trust me, I know. You know that saying "pride comes before the fall", well I have the bruises from hitting every darn step down.


I am lucky that I was able to control it when it came to my EX or things might have gotten ugly


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## Numb26

Andy1001 said:


> It’s called being plan B.
> And plan B never becomes plan A.


Those women can be my plan 🖕


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## DownByTheRiver

Lila said:


> He can go on looking then because even without all of his baggage, it wasn't going to happen. I may not have been his type 2 years ago, but he's definitely not my type now.


Exactly.


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I am lucky that I was able to control it when it came to my EX or things might have gotten ugly


Oh I can tell you a story about swallowing my pride when it came to my ex. I think the difference was that I knew I was holding the Ace of Spade in my hand which made swallowing my pride very, very easy.


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## Numb26

Lila said:


> Oh I can tell you a story about swallowing my pride when it came to my ex. I think the difference was that I knew I was holding the Ace of Spade in my hand which made swallowing my pride very, very easy.


The kids forced me to swallow my pride. And I am thankful for that because I sometimes can be resentful


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Those women can be my plan 🖕


Lololol. I am blind as a bat and saw your little emoji as a thumbs up. I was like "nooooooooo"


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## Numb26

Lila said:


> Lololol. I am blind as a bat and saw your little emoji as a thumbs up. I was like "nooooooooo"


I figured that emoji wouldn't get tagged lol


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> The kids forced me to swallow my pride. And I am thankful for that because I sometimes can be resentful


Unfortunately the cure for resentfulness is in and of itself a bitter pill (forgiveness) but after you've taken it, life gets better.


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## Numb26

Lila said:


> Unfortunately the cure for resentfulness is in and of itself a bitter pill (forgiveness) but after you've taken it, life gets better.


Yeah, still working on forgiving the Ex. Isn't going well


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## Openminded

Lila said:


> Oh he was fishing alright but I'm not biting. As a matter of fact, I am not even in the same pond as he is (53 year old with a baby). 😳


He wanted young and crazy and he got that — along with a baby. He may not find as many women who are willing to take him on now as there were before. Therefore, the call to you to see if you were still interested.


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> As part of my life journey as a single person, I often ask myself what is it that the universe/higher power/God is trying to teach me with each experience. I am still processing this last interaction.
> 
> Yesterday I heard from someone in my social circle who I was interested in (he knew it) but who didn't feel the same about me. He started dating a woman almost 20 years his junior in mid 2019. She was, to put it lightly, not sane and drama prone. Before last night, I hadn't heard from him in 2 years. He calls me to "catch up". Says all the right things, "you're such a great catch, you have your **** together, you are the one that got away, yadda, yadda, yadda". Then he tells me how younger/hotter and he broke up soon after the baby was born. I'm like "THE BABY???". It seems he's now starting over (he's got a 25 and 21 year old) with a baby at the age of 53! Apparently he's now having regrets above his life choices. I told him the only appropriate thing I could..."enjoy your time with the new baby. They grow up fast!".


That's NUTS! You dodged a fricking missile! 


Not said:


> The lesson is that sometimes bullets are dodged but we're not aware of it at the time.


This is so true!


Lila said:


> I used to tell people that when it came to sins and virtues, I skipped patience and instead doubled down on pride. Hurt pride can be a mind **** for me but I am starting to learn to let it go and have patience. 9/10 times there is reason behind those experiences.


I'm horribly impatient too, and that makes things incredibly difficult to deal with sometimes, so I really feel for you. It's hard reconciling your logical mind and emotional state. The analytical overthinker in me will follow a pathway and be satisfied with the answer, and I can move on. 

For example, that dude. You were really attracted to him at the time, but it wasn't mutual. What made him "all that"? You didn't know anything but what you could see. People can say all kinds of things to sound great, but everyone trots out their Sunday best to go courting. 



Hiner112 said:


> I think I get a similar feeling whenever I read women's complaints about their dating pool. My experience so far as been more indirect though. Blanket "men are ..." or "the dating pool sucks" from anonymous internet strangers or HS Facebook "friends". It is hard to not take personally or respond sometimes. I've not run into any fishers of men yet.
> 
> The two of them kind of deserved each other since she was crazy and he chose crazy.


I don't think dating organically makes you immune from **** that happens OLD, you still have to take people at their word and trust them while keeping your eyes open. You're still vulnerable to meeting dishonest, assholish people either way, so why limit yourself? I really hate blanket statements about either sex, they're all people and people can be stupid (myself included). I think it just seems worse, b/c of the sheer amount of people you interact with within a comparatively short amount of time. IRL, you wouldn't meet someone you're interested in who's also single and interested in you that often.

I didn't spend a ton of time OLD, but I encountered a LOT of men, talked with several dozen, and went out with 4. I took my time to sort through all of the ones on there before accepting any dates. After going out with 1 weirdo (I'm too embarrassed to explain) and one ghost, I reevaluated what I wanted, and how that affected my criteria. I put a lot of time and thought into my profile, and nexted anyone who didn't put any effort into theirs, no matter how yummy they looked or how "nice" a person they thought they were. 

My advice is, get on the app of your choice (not PoF, or Tinder please, that's dumpster diving), and stay invisible until you make a profile that reflects who you are and what you want. Take a peek at what's out there, one might grab you and then you will have to seize the moment. I don't recommend dating anyone who doesn't move you in some way, it's not worth it going out with a ton of people to have "choices" if they're not what you really want. Reevaluate what you want after every "failed" selection and adjust your profile to suit.

I personally didn't care to multidate, I think that splits your focus, getting to know someone, and also clouds how you feel about one person. I think multi-dating is precisely what leads to the "paradox of choice" and "analysis paralysis" and leads to always looking for the next best thing. Most people can't do that with organic dating, there simply aren't enough temptations in your vicinity. 



Lila said:


> I didn't say that to him (no sense rubbing salt into his wound) but I do agree with you. He's got to live with his decision and based on what he said is already taking a heavy toll on him.


This is pure class!


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## Lila

TXTrini said:


> My advice is, get on the app of your choice (not PoF, or Tinder please, that's dumpster diving), and stay invisible until you make a profile that reflects who you are and what you want


I agree with your entire post except that my last online dating experiment was with Tinder. I'll admit that of all the apps I tried, I had the best experience with it. This isn't to say that I found Mr. Right but the people I did interact with (the short time I was on there) were kind. They were also, in real life, as they presented in their profile. 

I found a few guys that I liked to spend time with but it never developed into more. The timing was off for me.

Online dating is really hard for me. It takes a lot of energy and I feel overwhelmed by the stress of expectations. I mean, you're on there to find someone to date so the expectation is to make a go/no go decision ASAP based on a few lines, some pics, and potentially a couple of dates. That's a lot of pressure. I was anxious all of the time.


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## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I agree with your entire post except that my last online dating experiment was with Tinder. I'll admit that of all the apps I tried, I had the best experience with it. This isn't to say that I found Mr. Right but the people I did interact with (the short time I was on there) were kind. They were also, in real life, as they presented in their profile.
> 
> I found a few guys that I liked to spend time with but it never developed into more. The timing was off for me.
> 
> Online dating is really hard for me. It takes a lot of energy and I feel overwhelmed by the stress of expectations. I mean, you're on there to find someone to date so the expectation is to make a go/no go decision ASAP based on a few lines, some pics, and potentially a couple of dates. That's a lot of pressure. I was anxious all of the time.


My impression of Tinder is based on when it first popped up, as a hook-up site. I was married then and thought it was tawdry. Fast forward years later, I've heard people talk about it, and it seemed to still have that taint, so I avoided it like the plague when I was OLD.

I'm not saying the people are defective, just their intent may be based on Tinder's reputation. People look for different things depending on their state of mind, I'm not judging anyone from wanting to get jiggy with it, but that's not for me if it's not what I'm looking for. When I was OLD, I saw some of the same men on different sites, and strangely enough, they seemed to be looking for different things in different places.


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## Hiner112

So I just had a funny experience with some shorts. 

I pulled the next pair out of the drawer and when I put them on I started noticing some weird things. The button and zipper were on the wrong side so they were a left handed pair of pants. When I put my hands into the pockets I had to curl my fingers to put my whole hand in them. The kids and I laughed about my pair of lefthanded shorts with "girl pockets".

Next I noticed that they seemed new but were a little loose. I asked my oldest to see if there was a tag to see what size they were and when she found it she started laughing. The shorts are 10p. Apparently I had gotten a pair of their shorts mixed in with mine and I'm a size 8-ish. _cough_

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## Laurentium

Lila said:


> I don't think the dating pool sucks but I do think finding compatible partners is harder the older we get. We have more life experience which means more scars, fears, and in general, more responsibilities (kids, mortgages, careers, aging parents)


And then it changes again .... I'm at the age and stage where I no longer have kids, mortgage, career, or parents. Nor a lot in the way of fears. I have friends, adult children, grandchildren, money, and free time. And, now, high standards.


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## Elizabeth001

Hiner112 said:


> So I just had a funny experience with some shorts.
> 
> I pulled the next pair out of the drawer and when I put them on I started noticing some weird things. The button and zipper were on the wrong side so they were a left handed pair of pants. When I put my hands into the pockets I had to curl my fingers to put my whole hand in them. The kids and I laughed about my pair of lefthanded shorts with "girl pockets".
> 
> Next I noticed that they seemed new but were a little loose. I asked my oldest to see if there was a tag to see what size they were and when she found it she started laughing. The shorts are 10p. Apparently I had gotten a pair of their shorts mixed in with mine and I'm a size 8-ish. _cough_
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


Knew it when you said left zipper. I rarely wear women’s jackets (sleeves too short and shoulders too narrow) but this morning I grabbed one of the girly ones. HATE the left handed zipper 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> Knew it when you said left zipper. I rarely wear women’s jackets (sleeves too short and shoulders too narrow) but this morning I grabbed one of the girly ones. HATE the left handed zipper
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So uhm, I didn't know zippers and buttons were on different sides for male/female clothes...I wear whatever fits


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## Lila

Laurentium said:


> And then it changes again .... I'm at the age and stage where I no longer have kids, mortgage, career, or parents. Nor a lot in the way of fears. I have friends, adult children, grandchildren, money, and free time. And, now, high standards.


@Laurentium, i understand what you're saying but you must carry some scars? The lessons learned are not true lessons if we keep repeating the same behaviors and/or mistakes.


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## Laurentium

Lila said:


> i understand what you're saying but you must carry some scars? The lessons learned are not true lessons if we keep repeating the same behaviors and/or mistakes.


Oh yes, scars definitely. I've been widowed once and divorced once. And I think I've learned some lessons. No, I just meant I'm not quite as overrun with the demands of elderly parents, young children, or demanding jobs, as I was 20 years ago. I kind of do what I want now.


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## bkyln309

I think we need to start a 2021 Thread. Its March!!


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## Hiner112

bkyln309 said:


> I think we need to start a 2021 Thread. Its March!!


Without @FeministInPink here, who's going to do it?


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## TXTrini

bkyln309 said:


> I think we need to start a 2021 Thread. Its March!!


So start one!


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## Elizabeth001

If someone does, don’t forget to post a link here!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating

Oh my goodness, 4 posts about this (and now 5) and I'm getting trigger-happy to start the damn thing myself... but that would seem weird given I have no place in this thread.

Next person to post - starts the 2021 thread and please include the link here as requested by Elizabeth.


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## LisaDiane

heartsbeating said:


> Oh my goodness, 4 posts about this (and now 5) and I'm getting trigger-happy to start the damn thing myself... but that would seem weird given I have no place in this thread.
> 
> Next person to post - starts the 2021 thread and please include the link here as requested by Elizabeth.


Oh FINE...should I do it then?? I might be the newest "single" on TAM...

Wait...do you have to be actually DIVORCED to be considered single, because I'm not at that point yet!!

Here's the LINK... 









The NEW Singles of TAM, 2021 Edition!!!


Farewell, old thread!!!!!! Should this be the anthem for this thread...?? :D




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## MattMatt

Time this thread was put to bed, I think...


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