# Married less then a year, sex life non existent



## jcshishka (Jul 17, 2012)

My wife and I were married in September of last year but we've been together for 6 years and known each other around 14 years. We're both 23 and pretty easy going people but in probably the last 4 months our sex life has ground to a halt. Before we were married we were both pretty sexual people and being intimate was never a problem. But now I feel like sex is more of a chore for her than anything. Right now I work full time, do all the cleaning and laundry, cook for us and take care of all the bills. She's a full time student but since it's summer she doesn't have any classes. She works as a waitress around four nights a week and I've asked her to pick up shifts where she can so we can stay on top of bills, but I never seem to know when she's working and with all the cash floating around it's hard to keep track of. I'm doing everything I can for her, taking care of the home, finances, etc, I'm constantly telling her how much I love her and giving her compliments as heart felt as possible, but she never seems to be in the mood. Another issue seems to be that if she's not at work then she's asleep on the couch. Her sleep schedule is terrible so she'll sleep all day and be up all night and I'm much the opposite so I only end up getting to see her a few hours every day, and she rarely sleeps in the bed with me. I just don't know what to do. I finally got her to see the doctor and he prescribed her something for her anxiety and such but i have no idea if she's been taking it or not. This isn't the woman I fell in love with and I don't know what to do. I'd appreciate any advice


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

How often are you having sex?
Have you noticed any other changes in her behavior?
Sleeping all day could be bad sleep habits but it could also indicate some serious depression. Why is she taking anti-anxiety drugs?


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## jcshishka (Jul 17, 2012)

We have sex maybe once every two months, it might be longer but I can't be sure. She has a small anxiety problem hence the meds. The doctor said he doesn't believe she has depression and gave her something to help her sleep but I have no idea how frequently she takes it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OK, the obvious question here is have you talked to her at all about this?

This isn't right OR healthy for the marriage, especially one so young.

Have you noticed any other changes in her behavior? Changes in clothing, habits, etc?


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## jcshishka (Jul 17, 2012)

When we have talked about it it usually just comes down to I"'m not in the mood", or I think it might be my meds". Yet she's only been taking them for a week or two and those type of meds take weeks to build up in the body first. Nothings really changed, she quit her overnight job and went back to waitressing at her old job, she's always had bad sleeping habits but now it seems to be worse.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If she is already sleep deprived asking her to pick up extra shifts right now is probably not the best idea. Not just yet anyway. She needs to get her sleep under control first.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

That post is very rambling to me. It seems like there is a significant number of issues at play here, from sleeping issues and anxiety, to lack of desire and not enough communication.

You need to be blunt here. Just dump it all on the table about how you feel, and do it at a time when you'll likely have a few hours to talk without being interpruted. Don't argue or blame, just tell her how you feel. If she's really a good person, she'll work with you to sort this out. The worst that can happen is she knows everything about how you feel about everything (not just the sex issue) and the ball is in her court.

If she doesn't work to make a chance within a few months, then you have a more serious issue at hand. Just remind her that she isn't the same person she was when you got married, and she isn't holding up her end of the bargain right now.

I'd also pull back on some of the chores around the house. Being Mr. Clean will get your floors buffed, not your manhood.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

trey69 said:


> If she is already sleep deprived asking her to pick up extra shifts right now is probably not the best idea. Not just yet anyway. She needs to get her sleep under control first.


 This, and not to say anything against you....but you might just shoot for a little romance and see where that takes you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Has she changed birth control? BC can be a huge libidio killer for women

As others have said, time to get it all out in the open and even get her to her Dr to see if there's anything else going on

Get this fixed before you even THINK about having kids


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## jcshishka (Jul 17, 2012)

I don't think she's sleep deprived since he's asleep around 12 hours a day, and if I don't do the cleaning it wont get done. And any feedback is good feedback no worries. I try and do things for her, cook her breakfast before she goes to work, tell her she's beautiful, pay her compliments. I'm just lost at this point.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Maybe you need to back off doing so much for her, maybe she is taking you for granted.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jcshishka said:


> I don't think she's sleep deprived since he's asleep around 12 hours a day, and if I don't do the cleaning it wont get done. And any feedback is good feedback no worries. I try and do things for her, cook her breakfast before she goes to work, tell her she's beautiful, pay her compliments. I'm just lost at this point.


So what if it doesn't get done? Does she cook you breakfast?

I'm sorry, I'm not there living with you so I can only go off what you are posting here, but it sounds like you are doing the bulk of the work both in and out of the home while she works a bit and then lounges around and sleeps. If the roles were reversed, would you act the way she does and then expect that she cooks you breakfast and cleans up after you?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jcshishka said:


> I don't think she's sleep deprived since he's asleep around 12 hours a day, and if I don't do the cleaning it wont get done. And any feedback is good feedback no worries. I try and do things for her, cook her breakfast before she goes to work, tell her she's beautiful, pay her compliments. I'm just lost at this point.


You sound like her butler. Women aren't attracted to butlers. No woman, in her fantasy marriage life, dreams about how clean her floors will be. She fantasizes about having an exciting, assertive husband.

So stop doing her chores. Stop letting her sleep 12 hours a day. 8 hours a day is enough. If she slept 8 hours, she would have 4 hours a day to interact with you.

You're going to have to lead this transition. Don't just stop doing chores, say nothing, and hope she changes her behavior. If she won't naturally pick up the slack, then assign her some chores that you've been doing. If she doesn't do them, point out that she hasn't done them.

Also, read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some more information. It sounds like you need to add some alpha behaviors to your beta behaviors.

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

God I wish I had a dollar for every guy who comes on here talking about how much he cooks and cleans and is so confused because he never gets sex. Read this board for a while and you start to think that cooking and cleaning is the anti-sex.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> God I wish I had a dollar for every guy who comes on here talking about how much he cooks and cleans and is so confused because he never gets sex. Read this board for a while and you start to think that cooking and cleaning is the anti-sex.


Just to women. Sometimes I swear that for women (in general, not the ones who seem to post on this board) the more you do for them, the less interest they have. There is truth to the old saying "nice guys finish last." There's more sexual rewards in being a big A-hole than being nice it seems.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

I hope you manage to sort out your problem, as it is a very frustrating scenario. For men, the biggest thing for them is being close to their partner/wife, and enjoying each others bodies. If you don't have that in a relationship, you can often feel like a sexless, d1ckless, eunuch man-droid, who puts in all the effort, does tonnes of boring, relentless daily chores, and gets nothing back. I know a lot of guys, myself included, have felt this way.

If you can, speak to her about it, but this is easier said than done, and different women handle it differently. Express your thoughts at not being able to enjoy her body, but don't make it out to be all about you, and definitely do not make yourself sound frustrated, needy or desperate at any point - you'll only push her away more.


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## jcshishka (Jul 17, 2012)

We sat down and talked for awhile. I told her I was feeling sad and frustrated lately, that I felt like I was the only one doing any kind of cleaning, I asked her to sleep in the bed more often because I miss falling asleep with her. And i let her know that for the past few months I've felt like she's been disinterested in me physically and sexually. She apologized and said she would help more around the house, and has an appointment with our doctor to adjust her meds because she says she wants me but her body just isn't getting aroused. So ill just have to play it by ear for now and see what happens
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Some anxiety meds are mild tranquilizers. Lots of people have a hard time functioning on those things. That could be making things worse.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jcshishka said:


> We sat down and talked for awhile. I told her I was feeling sad and frustrated lately, that I felt like I was the only one doing any kind of cleaning, I asked her to sleep in the bed more often because I miss falling asleep with her. And i let her know that for the past few months I've felt like she's been disinterested in me physically and sexually. She apologized and said she would help more around the house, and has an appointment with our doctor to adjust her meds because she says she wants me but her body just isn't getting aroused. So ill just have to play it by ear for now and see what happens
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be sure to find out when the doctors appointment is and watch to see if she goes or not.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jcshishka said:


> She apologized and said she would help more around the house, and has an appointment with our doctor to adjust her meds because she says she wants me but her body just isn't getting aroused. So ill just have to play it by ear for now and see what happens
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has promised to take action. If she follows through, then you have a chance. If she doesn't, don't just let it slide. You don't want to set up a long-term pattern of her neglecting you until you explode, then she promises to change to pacify you, and then she promptly starts neglecting you again.

Good luck.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I concur with the previous post. 

I want to add that you should try everything you can to help her. Actually it seems like you are already doing that. However, if you do not see any change in her then ask yourself this question.

*Are you willing to be sex starved and rejected for the rest of your life?*

If your answer is no then I would get out of the marriage as quickly as possible. I know you are attached to her and she maybe a very good person in many ways but being sex starved and rejected will tear you down eventually. Then you will be no good for yourself or anyone else.

My suggestion is not a revenge thing it is self survival for you!!


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