# My Story Part 2 - The Plot Sickens



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

A few mornings after he left, I opened the blinds and there was his car in the driveway. 

"He's bacK!" My heart soared. Till I noticed he wasn't there. Then I realized what he had done. Parked his car in the driveway and rode his bike to work. As if nothing had changed. 

At first, I thought at least I might catch a glimpse of him occasionally (talk about pathetic), but it was tearing me up seeing his car there. After about a week, I emailed him and asked him to stop. I also asked him not to use the Park 'N Ride down the road that I drive past on my way to work. He hasn't done it since.

When I told all this to my doctor who has been seeing me to make sure I don't slip into depression (also R's doctor), he thought it was cruel on R's part. But you know, it wasn't. R just doesn't think like other people. He grew up in a toxic family and doesn't 'get' what most of us do. I'm sure it never occurred to him that this would hurt me. 

And so we went on, communicating by email. Our emails were about house and finances and were friendly. I refuse to become a bitter old woman, so I've worked hard at keeping things civil and light. Then one day I got an email that bordered on ugly. It was long and listed a whole slew of complaints against me. I was stunned. I let it sit awhile, then responded, addressing each point. One complaint was that I should have opted at work to be paid over 12 months instead of the 10 school months. Well, when that option first became available a few years ago, R and I discussed it and decided to stay with 10 months so that we got the interest on the money. I reminded him of that. Another item was that I should have had my own savings account all these years so that I had money. I reminded him that we had discussed this when we got married and decided to only have joint accounts. A third complaint was that as he left at the end of April, I had two paid months to prepare for the summer. As if, having paid all the bills that were now solely mine to pay I would have had enough left over to get me and two kids through the summer. And the big one that hurt the most....I 'racked up huge credit card bills and expected him to pay'. I used my credit card to pay for groceries and other household costs, gas, things that my daughter needed, the occasional lunch with a friend, the occasional book, and clothes for myself (and I don't dress expensively). I don't smoke or do drugs and I rarely drink. And I earned almost half the money that came into the house. What the heck?!!

Anyway, I responded to each point in a calm, matter of fact way, and ended by remarking that he seemed to have a lot of resentment toward me. I also said that, if he was upset about my spending, he should have talked to me about it. 

Well, a little while after sending the email, I got a reply: Please ignore the email. i didn't write it. I need to assess the situation.

A while later another email: i did not write that email. My account must have been hacked or my computer has a virus. 

Really????! You think I'm that stupid?

The instant he said he didn't write it, I knew who had. 

Later, he let it slip that there had actually been two emails not written by him. I would never, ever, open someone else's mail, let alone pretend to be them. He has chosen that over me. I don't get it.

He did write me an email, still not admitting who had actually written the email, apologizing for hurting me by leaving. That is the only expression of any remorse on his part.

The thing that sparked the bogus email was that I had written that our son was ready to move. I had forgone pursuing child support for our child with a drug problem because R had said he would help financially when he moved to find a job. I emailed him and asked if he was still willing to help out. The response was no. He felt he had helped enough in the past. I wrote back that I guess things had changed since he moved out and that I would simply help our son the best I could. That's when I got the email written by a hacker or a virus.

So, I have arranged to get some money through an insurance policy that my parents started for me when I was a teenager. The same policy had a clause that my kids could get insurance with no medical. As my son has a history of drug abuse, he will be ineligible for life insurance for 12 years after cleaning himself up. But through my policy, he could be insured no questions asked. Twelve years is a long time, during which he could marry or have kids. As I was closing the policy and would lose that option, I insured both him and my daughter. For both, it is only just under $30 a month, which I will carry until they are working. It felt good that I thought about it, made the decision and am doing this for them myself. Yay me!

Because R always handled the finances, I am on a steep learning curve. I am so anxious about money, I feel sick every time a bill arrives. I know I will be all right. I am luckier than many women in my position in that I have a good job. But I still can't help worrying. Today I am going to the bank to talk to our advisor. R and I had a line of credit which we have used to pay for all the renos and some new furniture. Splitting the balance in half, I am $22,000 in debt. The monthly payments are simply covering the interest. This is not a good feeling. R has arranged his own line of credit and paid off his share of the joint one. He said he did this so that I would have the ability to borrow against the full available amount should I need to. Of course, as it is a still a joint account, it shows up when he accesses online banking and I don't think he should be seeing what I do with it, be that borrowing or paying. I'm going to see if I can get his name taken off the LOC. Or if I can get my own and pay off the joint one. Of course, as a single person, I may lose the larger available amount that the joint one is for. But hopefully I would never need to borrow that much. I don't know. Hopefully the financial advisor can steer me right. Last time I met with him, right after R left, I bawled the whole time! 

Thanks for listening. It really is therapeutic to do this.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

for 25 years, I never wrote a check...didn't even know where she kept the check book...been doing t for 2 years now and have survived...been racking up some debt as I struggle to keep the house so my youngest son can graduate from high school with his friends...never have any extra cash on hand, and frequently have to tell my son no, we can't do that because we have no money...I went to the post office for the first time in 30 years to buy stamps...

and we have survived...am able to start paying off some bills now that things have evened out...gonna take my son to a Royals game here in a few weeks for his birthday...we have survived and are closer than ever...


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Thanks, DjF. I know I will be okay. One good thing R did for me was arrange to get me a credit card in my maiden name. He did this after his Dad died last year and he saw all the problems his Mum was having as she had no credit rating. So at least I have that (plus through it, I'm racking up some air miles!).

My advice to my daughter if she ever gets married will be to keep and use a credit card in her maiden name and to have a bank account of her own with at least a bit in it just in case.

Enjoy the game with your son. My brother and his wife invited me and my daughter up to their trailer in the middle of nowhere. That's my kind of thing, but not my daughter's so I'm going alone. But I want to do something with my daughter. We need some mother-daughter time. I thought, what does she like to do? The answer....shop. So, I am going to take her to hit the discount malls across the border. I've found a cheap hotel and with some of the money from my cancelled insurance policy, we are going to spend a couple of days shopping and connecting. She has a partime job, so she can pay for whatever she buys, but whatever the cost, I think it will be well worth it. Our children grow and are gone so fast and I know, whether she admits it or not, her father's leaving has hurt her. So, she can drag me through American Eagle or whatever the latest 'in' stores are. I will look at all the size zero clothes and sigh. And we will make some memories.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious. Why didn't you call him on his BS? No hacker or virus would have had all those details that were in the email.

And have you talked to a lawyer to get a realistic expectation of both of your rights and responsibilities?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I don't know, PBear. I guess I just figured it was his way of saving face. People say I'm too nice and maybe that's so. But that's me. 

As for the lawyer, I spoke to one shortly after he left. She gave me the figures for child support, told me that although I am entitled to spousal, there wasn't enough left over in his paycheque after child support came off, so no spousal. And she told me I will be entitled to half his pension and he to half of mine (which is funny as there were years I didn't work 'cause there were no jobs in the places we lived because of his job and years I stayed home to raise the kids. So my pension will suck). That's about all I learned. Is there more I should know?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Just like me.. I don't think you want to stir the pot.. that is why you never called his BS.

It would kill me to see her car in the driveway in the morning.... but when i come home from work at night I pray that her car would be there so I know she came home... but it isn't gonna happen.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i can't get passed the whole "email hacking" thing. does he think you're stupid?!


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

He knows your not stupid... he is just trying to brush off his ignorance for doing it.

It's hard to do.. but sometimes you just need to read things a few times before hitting SEND.. he didn't do that and now he will pay for it.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I don't believe he did it, Sad. It was the OW (I'm slowly picking up the abbreviations everyone uses here!). The email was sent while he was at work which I thought was odd at the time, but I figured he had taken a day off. It came from his gmail account. His responses came from his work email. Considering it was the second email she had written in his name, she had likely been reading his gmail account all along. I thought he would come to his senses once he saw what she had done and leave her. Guess that was naive.

I think he knows that I know. When he wrote to tell me about the hacker or virus, I responded that I hoped he could get the virus under control as 'things like that can play havoc with one's life'. I think he was embarrassed and maybe shamed by what she had done and this was his way of saving face. 

I would stir the pot if I thought it get me anywhere, but it won't. I would just make him defensive and things would go downhill from there. I'll take the high road. But if he really does think I'm stupid, he's got a lot to learn


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

wow. she has a lot of nerve emailing you! she sounds like a realy winner. i would tell him to not contact you via email anymore, or until he gets rid of his "virus"


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> wow. she has a lot of nerve emailing you! she sounds like a realy winner. i would tell him to not contact you via email anymore, or until he gets rid of his "virus"


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A real winner! I can't believe he is still with her. how can he trust her?

I got a new email address, which I haven't given R. It felt yucky to continue using the old one. I did tell R that I would continue to check the old one for the time being as all my contacts don't have the new one yet. I told him that I would not respond to his gmail account. If he wants to email me, he is to use his work email, which is a government one. If he's given her access to that one, he's a bigger fool than I thought . I will only contact him through his work email.. I did say I would communicate by phone, but I he hasn't done that at all. Guess that's too personal. Probably just as well. using email, I have a record of all correspondence if I should ever need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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