# Unsupportive family



## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

Kind of a vent but also a question... how do you deal with family that's not really supportive? For the most part my family has been amazing during all of this but my brother and his wife just don't seem to support my decisions at all. They keep offering "advice" that's not helpful to me at all. They've recently reconciled after infidelity on his wife's part. They were headed towards divorce but my brother's a truck driver and talked his wife into going on the road with him for a month and they were able to reconnect. I'm really happy for them but it just seems like they expect me to do the same even though the circumstances are totally different. The biggest being this wasn't the first time my STBX cheated. 

It started right after I asked the STBX to leave. They started texting me and it started out them being really supportive but then it was all "if you want him you have to fight for him because if you don't you're going to lose him." and "he'll eventually realize what he lost and regret it and you have to decide whether you'll take him back". First of all, why should I be the only one fighting? I gave him a choice! I asked him to leave and figure out what it was he wanted and within hours of leaving, he picked right back up texting and calling the OW. Seems to me that he made his choice, right? After that, he never wanted to talk to me about us, only the kids. I even made the mistake of texting him one night at my saddest and just asking him why all this happened. All I got in reply was the runaround. He never could tell me why. They (brother & SIL) keep telling me that I'm letting the OW win by giving up so easily because she has "nothing to lose and everything to gain" but why should I keep fighting for someone who clearly doesn't want me? 

They've been over a few times on the weekends when STBX is visiting the kids and they spend most of that time talking to him in private. I have no idea what they talk about. I guess I just feel left out because it's my family and it doesn't even feel like they're on my side. Just this past weekend we took the oldest to the zoo for his birthday. STBX (who invited himself, btw) was over 3 hours late and he was supposed to be my ride. SIL was asking if I knew what happened to cause him not to show and I told her that I wasn't sure but I had checked the phone bill (first time in weeks) and he was up texting the OW until after 7:30 that morning. She says "well, when you have a lot on your mind, sometimes you just need someone to talk to." Yeah, I'm totally sure the 3000 texts they shared last month was all talk about our marriage problems.  He finally shows up like 45 minutes before the place closes and I asked my teenage sister to ride back with us and the kids but my SIL tells her to ride with them because "sometimes when people are fighting they just need some alone time to talk." But of course we didn't talk about anything but the kids and the zoo. Probably because we don't seem to have anything else to talk about these days. I try hard to be civil for my kids' sake and I asked my sister to ride with us to kind of be a buffer and it felt like they were pushing us to be alone together or something and that annoys me. They keep saying that it's my decision and no one else can make it for me but at the same time it doesn't seem like they support my decision at all. To quote them: "divorce is the easy way out. Anyone can do it. But staying together and fighting for your marriage isn't easy. It takes hard work and commitment." I actually agree for the most part but not every marriage can be saved and I really wish they'd realize that. 

OK, that's the end of my rant. Thanks for reading. I really needed a safe place to vent before I snap on them. :/


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Shake, I'm sorry you have to deal with an unsupportive brother and SIL on top of everything else! My sister actually had the nerve to ask, "You're still upset about that?!" Wow, such sensitivity. 

Like you said, every situation and relationship is different and requires it's own finesse. With my sister (who's approach to life and personality is opposite of mine), I had to set boundaries with her. I told her while I loved her and appreciated all that she has done for me in the past, I needed to deal with the end of my marriage at my pace and in my own way. I think she got the message because since then, she is less pushy and sometimes even thoughtful. When she's not, I walk away. We have enough stress, don't we?

Did I catch that right? Your brother and SIL talked privately with STBXH? And SIL bullies you into being alone with STBXH and even defends him? Not cool. Perhaps they feel like they're the experts now and their intentions may be kind, but this seems far too intrusive.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I think your brother and SIL have good intentions because they've been through it and have reconciled. Maybe they can see both sides of the story and feel that you two need a little 'nudging' to fix your marriage? It does seem like they are going overboard. Hopefully the next time you tell them to stay out, they will actually stay out. They've already done all they can. It's up to you two now.


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## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes, I do feel like they now think of themselves as "experts" since they've been through it themselves and were able to work it out. I only wish they'd see that are situations are different and that wanting a divorce from a man who cheated on me more than once isn't "taking the easy way out". It's finally realizing that my children and I deserve better. At times they make me feel like the bad guy and I didn't do anything other than refuse to put up with it any longer.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

shakeitout said:


> Yes, I do feel like they now think of themselves as "experts" since they've been through it themselves and were able to work it out. I only wish they'd see that are situations are different and that wanting a divorce from a man who cheated on me more than once isn't "taking the easy way out". It's finally realizing that my children and I deserve better. At times they make me feel like the bad guy and I didn't do anything other than refuse to put up with it any longer.


I agree with BV - You need to set some boundaries with them. Tell them you appreciate that they care and that they were successful but the only ones who make this work or not work are you and your STBX. Butt out


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