# want to feel love for hubby after his affair



## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

i found out about 2 yrs and 3 months ago that hubby had had affair. he told me after the guilt became too much.

the affair/ sex happened about 3 yrs before that and he paid for it through a "massage therapist "
anyway when he first told me i totally blamed myself, that I wasn't being a good enough wife so i tried really hard in the bedroom, on a nightly basis for about 1 month then 3 or 4 times a week for another month...... slowly going back to our normal 2 or 3 times a week.

after about 5 months i felt i had forgiven him and moved on and everything seemed good. our relationship was better even, more honest i suppose and he wasnt angry anymore with me or himself because he wasnt carrying this lie/ deceit/ cheating :woohoo:

anyway we had been wanting to have another child and i fell pregnant in may which was 7 months after finding about the cheating .

during preg everything was ok til i started getting too fat and it became a little hard.... the intimacy went down to maybe 1 x week or less and in the last month only 1 time...:sleeping:

after bub came just before Christmas 2011 i was sore and it hurt so only 1 x month for maybe 5 months then maybe 1 x every 6 weeks.

well just before bub 1st bday hubby tells me that if we cant fix this ( meaning me ) then it will be fatal for our marriage.

the thing is since having bub i have resented hubby for what he did cause even though we had 3 kids we still were active doing things 2 times a week minimum and i like to try things and get revealing clothes and have fun even doing things with my mouth ( if you know what i mean )
not sure what words i can use
and actually enjoyed it and unless i actually was sick i never said no !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so now i tell him this and its my fault for not putting out ?????
he knows i am struggling with what he did ?? he says i need to stop living in the past ??

but how do i move past it. i dont want to be near him, i dont want him to touch me and i think about what he did cause he told me all the details at my request.:scratchhead:

i love him i think or i wouldnt still be here but i want t feel close to him again 

it just makes me angry cause he told me that he basically not been happy in the bedroom cause i dont make enough moves on him.....
even though i never say no and i had 3 kids also plus work and we were building a house .....

it wasnt enough 

i told him he has a problem with addiction or something ???

any help


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## poppy2012 (Jan 7, 2013)

i think you should leave him. he cheated. end of story. dont be a doormat. men never respect women who let them walk all over them


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> Others will come with more useful advice but I will start by saying that your husband's behaviour is unacceptable. I am a dad with two kids so I know a little about this stage of marriage/parenthood.
> 
> He needs to wake up and listen to you, THE MOTHER OF HIS KIDS and his WIFE!


Agreed. I would be totally compassionate for my wife baring all of those kids through that. He should take matters into his own hands (literally) if he needs to get his rocks off that bad. In my opinion it's the best tool a guy can have to help stay faithful. I know from experience. When my wife denied me sex to go cheat, I had to compensate because my urges were extreme. (TMI but true). Sorry to sound so vulgar, but sex is necessary. Even still, he should be WAY more patient with you. The way he acts is just not fair.

As for what you can do...the more creative you are the better. Use more imagination, maybe watch some porn or something. 

Besides the sex, when is the last time y'all did something exciting together? Something away from the kids and work and building a home? Maybe try a day trip somewhere to reconnect. Go to a lake or beach, spend the night at a nice hotel and watch comedy.


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

Sex is indeed needed, if you hold it back, for right reasons or any other, you lose your husbands connection. Bad, but true.

Goodwife4, if you have problems with flashbacks, the only thing you can do is overwrite it with good times you have/had with your husband. Hard but only thing that can help.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

goodwife,
It sounds like you have worked so hard at your marriage..and I can tell that you do want things to work out but are kinda stuck. Honestly, hon, I think you should consider marital counseling. It really will help you two to work through what has happened and give you tools that will help you move forward. If you're a reader, you may want to check out these two books; _Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity_ and _Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage_. Hopefully, your husband is as committed as you are to making this marriage work. It'll be work...but it'll be worth it...especially for your kiddos. Hugs!


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

*cofan:* we did do counselling back 2 yrs ago when i found out and he agreed to come ...but the councellor said i wasnt normal cause i wasnt angry with him at that time,...... not angry enough for her anyway and she told me i had probs and i was too nice ???? so at my request we stopped going ......
but i agree maybe now we try again ... with someone different :scratchhead:

*leuven:* thanks i am trying that.

*ballofemotion: * he used to take matters into his own hands also when i was never saying no, i got angry with him about it cause i was there and saying yes >???? 
as for me it is hard as i have baby 1 yr old who wakes during the night so i am tired and just seem not interested at all ??
we hardly get to do anything together. we went to a movie last month with no kids. its basically the first thing we've done kid free for a year .... i am still breastfeeding so it is hard.
thanks 

*justpuzzled:* it is interesting to hear this from a guy cause he said recentlly that their must be a lot of unhappy guys out there if they not having it 2 times a week then thats why so many guys have affairs ????? i had a go at him about saying this !!!!!!
he said guys need it that often or it is fatal for marriages.... *when he had it that often and it still wasnt enough ???*
i told him most guys pray for a wife like me ( before all this happened anyway) cause i never said no and liked it, even enjoyed it as it satisfied me ?
he is trying to listen to me now i think .


by the way i have read a book about breaking free after an affair and moving on with your marriage and i highlighted bits and wrote lots of notes to hubby in it. he is currently reading it and has been for a few weeks now and he said it is helping him understand how i feel.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

*cofan:* we did do counselling back 2 yrs ago when i found out and he agreed to come ...but the councellor said i wasnt normal cause i wasnt angry with him at that time,...... not angry enough for her anyway and she told me i had probs and i was too nice ???? so at my request we stopped going ......
but i agree maybe now we try again ... with someone different :scratchhead:

Feel free to PM me if you'd like a recommendation of a counselor in your area!


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

COfan said:


> *cofan:* we did do counselling back 2 yrs ago when i found out and he agreed to come ...but the councellor said i wasnt normal cause i wasnt angry with him at that time,...... not angry enough for her anyway and she told me i had probs and i was too nice ???? so at my request we stopped going ......
> but i agree maybe now we try again ... with someone different :scratchhead:
> 
> Feel free to PM me if you'd like a recommendation of a counselor in your area!


we are going to be getting a new person soon, just need a referral from a specialist which will be getting in next couple weeks. thanks
its very hard but willing to try


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Yea, definitely more counseling - but I wonder if she meant you should be doing the 180 instead of doormat.

Have you read up on the 180?


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Yea, definitely more counseling - but I wonder if she meant you should be doing the 180 instead of doormat.
> 
> Have you read up on the 180?



NO ????????????
dont know what that is ?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> NO ????????????
> dont know what that is ?


It's on my sig line. But it's more to help you focus on you and help you detach. Read through it and apply what you think is right.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

My husband cheated on me early in our marriage.

I tried to forgive him and thought I had but deep inside it had broken me, taken pieces if me.

Eventually the months will turn into years and before you know it 10 years have gone by and you still resent him for what he did.

Dont waste time....If its been 2 years and you still cant get over it I dont think you ever will.

Dont stay for the kids if the love is gone either...I have learned the long hard way this is NEVER a good idea.

Life is short...dont waste your life away being un happy, un loved and un appreciated.

I wish you the best.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> NO ????????????
> dont know what that is ?


As *Walkonmars* says above, look in his signature for the link.

What you do is start showing that you can live without him instead of knocking yourself out trying to win his favor.

They have been taking you for granted, so cutting them off wakes them up. But you really need to be sincere about turning away from them because that will give you strength regardless of how it works out. It is about respecting yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a link to the 180 in my signature block below. But no, I don't think that you should be doing the 180. It sounds like your husband is not cheating on you now. So no 180.

I can see why you have no interest in sex with your husband right now. To keep the passion in a marriage you two need to spend at least 15 hours a week doing date-like things, just the two of you, where the two of you are focused on each other.

How much does he pitch in around the house to help with housework, shopping, cooking, and child care? You sound somepletely over loaded. Is he filling his responsibilities at home so that you are not exhausted?

What has he done since you found out about his cheating to rebuild his trustworthiness?

YOu would benefit from reading the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. After that there are links to three books for building a possionate marriage in my signature block below. Start with "His Needs, Her Needs", then read "Love Busters" and then the 3rd one.

Hopefully your husband will read them as well and work with you to rebuild your marriage, bring back the passion and affair proof it.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There is a link to the 180 in my signature block below. But no, I don't think that you should be doing the 180. It sounds like your husband is not cheating on you now. So no 180.
> no more cheating, as it is he took 3 years to even tell me he did it and it was once
> 
> I can see why you have *no interest in sex with your husband *right now. To keep the passion in a marriage you two need to spend at least 15 hours a week doing date-like things, just the two of you, where the two of you are focused on each other.
> ...



thanks for your input. he is trying but it was just a few days before christmas that he told me if we didnt fix the intimacy it was fatal to our marriage ??:scratchhead:


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It seems incredibly unfair that HE cheated, HE played around while you struggled and suffered all the while. And now that he wants to make up - he isn't quite pulling his weight, being morose because he isn't getting enough sack time with you. 

Give your MC a chance. He effectively ended the marriage you knew and have every right to feel the way you do. Let him know that until you have made up your mind about establishing a new relationship with him it's going to be status quo. 

If he doesn't like it he should let you know - and you definitely have the last word if he wants to stay. Don't let his failing make your heart cold and don't be jaded. If you decide you just can't live with what he's done then move on. 

There are plenty of men who would give anything to be in a loving relationship with a family-oriented and faithful woman. 

But if you want to give him a second chance, then be "in" as much as you can. As, I said, it doesn't seem fair that you have to do some of the work too. Frankly, I couldn't and wouldn't do it if I didn't see actual deeds of contrition.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> well just before bub 1st bday hubby tells me that if we cant fix this ( meaning me ) then it will be fatal for our marriage.


On the contrary, your husband and his attitudes will be fatal to your marriage.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> On the contrary, your husband and his attitudes will be fatal to your marriage.


this is how i am feeling right now. i look at him sometimes and feel nothing ? its like we are just going thru the motions of being a family, i dont want to touch him, i dont want him to touch me.

i just feel so empty and sad

but i still love him

its just so hard


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