# Long-term Dissatisfaction and Disinterest



## DogNerd (Dec 29, 2010)

Hi everyone,

Sorry this is so long!

I'm new here. I've spent a few hours reading through the threads on this forum, and have been really impressed by y'all  I'm really hoping that perhaps a few of you wont mind lending some of your experience to help me start to figure out what to do about my marriage. I have been struggling for quite awhile with a lack of attraction to my husband, which has led to me being extremely uninterested in sex. I am not physically un-attracted to him, but I have a lot of resentment that has built up over time. When I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, he shuts down or belittles me/tries to turn what I'm saying back on me. He also depends on me WAY too much for his own happiness. He has a hard time making friends, and is very antisocial, preferring to sit at home playing video games for hours to hanging out with "real" people. He has a hard time motivating himself to do anything. It's almost like he doesn't know how to do things for himself, which I resent as I am a very self-reliant person. This resentment has made me completely turn off of desiring him sexually. The thought of being intimate with him is almost repulsive to me. However, I don't have a low sex drive. I think about sex all the time! It's so frustrating.

A little back story... my husband and I have been together about five years, and married for almost three years. We met in college, and married pretty young. I was engaged at 19, married at 21. I am now 24. He was 23 when we started dating, and is 28 now. We do not have any kids, although we have talked about it in the past. 

My husband is, at heart, a good man. He treats me well for the most part, provides for our family, tries to be affectionate a lot of the time, etc. But, he is very immature. When he gets upset, or when we fight, he takes cheap shots at me to try and hit me where it hurts most. He plays games (i.e. packing bags like he's going to leave). He can be very mean, but never physically abusive. And he is not like this often... but when he IS, it takes me a long time to get over it. And it happens just often enough that the resentment has been building over time. He also keeps little things from me (like signing up for a "for money" Fantasy Football league, or buying something he knows I wouldn't like) and that bothers me, too. It makes me wonder what else he could be keeping from me.

A few other things have happened over the course of our relationship that make me feel more un-attracted to him. One of the biggest issues is the fact that he smokes pot. Yes, he had this habit before we met, but I (foolishly?) thought that he would grow out of it as he aged. But he hasn't. It doesn't help that most of his friends smoke and he can get it almost anytime he wants. He goes behind my back to smoke, or will harass me for hours (until I finally cave out of annoyance) until I give him "permission." I have told him numerous times that I really don't like to be put in that position. I also have expressed for all the years we've been together that I wish he would stop. He says he wants to quit, but never does. So, that's frustrating. 

Right now, I am living in our hometown finishing up graduate school. About the same time that I started school, he got his "dream job" in a neighboring state, about 5 hours away. He is currently living up there working (visiting on the weekends), and the plan is for me to join him after I graduate in May of 2011. We have been living apart for a year and a half, and for the most part, I've probably enjoyed it more than I should  I've never cheated on him and don't plan to.

We have not tried marriage counseling, although I have gone by myself and have encouraged him to do the same. It's hard when we live in different cities 99% of the time.

I feel like I have grown up a lot since we first started going out, but he has stayed the same. And he won't acknowledge there's a problem outside of "you don't have sex with me enough" or "you're not into it enough." Argh. When he visits on the weekends, he ALWAYS wants sex. Constantly. Every time I even just try to kiss him, I get groped. That really turns me off... these things happen better organically, ya know? His excuse is that he never sees me, so I should basically just put up with it. He doesn't understand why I don't want to constantly jump his bones when not only are we having relationship troubles, but I'm also up to my eyeballs in graduate work and teaching full time. 

Also, he can pretty much only "finish" doggy style which makes me feel even more distant from him. He does offer to give me oral sex and whatnot, but most of the time I'm not interested. I know that's my problem... and I really do make an effort to be more engaged in sex, but I just don't feel any passion. Sucks. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough?

I have thought a lot about divorce, but I really feel I owe it to him to give it my best shot to make it work. We have been together too long to just give up. I feel strongly that marriage should be taken very seriously and never thought I would consider divorce. But at this point, I'm almost ready to throw in the towel. I just can't deal with his emotional immaturity anymore. I'm just a mess about this. I love him, but don't feel "in love" with him anymore. The sad thing is, we have a good time together most of the time. We are great "friends"... but I don't feel we are compatible as lovers/partners. 

Are we totally doomed? 

I hope I'm making sense here...this is a lot of rambling, but I'm just so dang frustrated! Thanks for listening


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I hope you get other feedback, because I'm not sure mine will be the best way to go. But I offer it as a one point of view.

He needs a wake up call. Counseling would be a good place to start--you will need to say some things to him that are going to be very difficult for him to hear, which will make it very difficult for you to say. If you can do this without counseling, great, but he may not be able to "hear" you in a loving way. If you try and he becomes defensive/angry, then counseling may be essential.

He needs to know what you have said here, that your resentment at his behaviors has seriously damaged your sexual attraction to him. He needs to know that you see him as childish and irresponsible, for the reasons you state. His drug use is an addiction--real marriage killers. Doesn't matter that it is "just" weed. In this case, the weed is probably a big part of the problem, because it destroys motivation and he is stuck in a stage of development you have left (experimentation with drugs is a stage, not a way of life; most people outgrow that stage). 

He also needs to know you are thinking of divorce because of these issues. You want and deserve a healthy sex life but can't find it within this marriage as it is. You refuse to be a cheater, so leaving is your only option if he cannot grow. The only unanswered questions are, can he grow and does he love you enough to try? 

These are very tough issues and if you two work through them, the marriage could become very strong. Learning to say--and HEAR--the hard, painful things to each other in a loving way may be the hardest part of marriage for a lot of people. 

Good luck, and God bless.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

DogNerd said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Sorry this is so long!
> 
> ...



Sounds like his sexual desire is not getting to the point where he can cum easily in a variety of sexual acts and positions. This may sound strange in light of what you said about him wanting sex all the time but having enough sexual desire to want sex before he has it and actually maintaining that desire while having it can be two different things. Once you guys get going it sounds like his desire drops from its pre-sex level. 

Doggy is the most stimulating position for most men when it comes to vaginal sex because the vagina feels tighter and the stimulation is greater. It also is not as distracting because the man does not have to engage the woman face to face. This allows him to fantasize if he wants in order to raise his sexual desire up enough to cum. If the problem continues the next stage may very well be an inability to cum that way either and only being able to cum with oral or manual stimulation and not intercourse at all. After that only masturbating with his own hand will allow him to cum with you and usually, after that men with low desire turn away from partner sex altogether and end up masturbating alone, often using porn.

Find out why his sexual desire is lower than optimal and you will have your answer. Could be his dope smoking or even something as simple as health issues which make sex more difficult resulting in a less than satisfying experience once he gets started which lowers his desire during the intercourse phase of the lovemaking.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Marriage needs a lot of work, and to be honest with you, I think the only way to resolve these issues is to be honest with each other. Make a list of all the things that are a turn off for you and ask him to do the same. At the same time, do the same for a list of things you love about each other, then start talking about the one at the time....the thing about the pot smoking (don't over react)...you just needs rules...don't do it until night?....try to do it together once a week (you can just have a few puffs) the idea is showing that you are willing to meet him half a way....he must have issues and need to let them out...you need to share with him that facts about marriage and divorce and let him know that you are not happy and that you need to feel like he understand that if he doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem and start working in trying to figure out how to meet you half way, then the resentment will kill the love......rule number one in marriage, communicate all your feelings....if you don't, resentment will build....the more resentment and the more time, the less changes for the love to prevail....


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