# Wife's behavior is driving me crazy



## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

I married Lorelei Gilmore. Or maybe Phoebe from Friends. Or maybe she's Hannah Montana. I don't know. All I know is, you read about men and Peter Pan syndrome - well, my wife has a lot of aspects of it. She's 27 years old and she still acts like a kid most of the time.

I'm not talking like bratty teenage behavior I've known her since she was 15 and she actually never showed that type of behavior with me. I'm talking childish - or maybe the more appropriate term is child-like. She's still stuck in her preteens - like 11 or 12 years old. And she doesn't have to be because she doesn't do it with everyone - just around me and her family, and the kids she takes care of every day as a daycare worker. With them you'd think she was an overgrown 4 year old. With her clients she's definitely a mature, responsible adult.

Examples - She's decorated our entire house like a preteen girls bedroom. We have dolls and stuffed animals and children's books and sports equipment and toy horses and just all this freaking kids stuff coming out of the woodwork. All she reads is kids books. She watches kids movies and kids TV. She plays Candy Crush and Tetris and other stupid games on her phone because they're "cutesy" and "bubbly" and "colorful". She does keep the house clean but that's only because the daycare is based here and she has to because of health code. She can't cook and is constantly getting pizza and Chinese or insisting we go out for fast food - she never wants to go to a nice restaurant. As a result of which she is also overweight. She likes sex once or twice a week but she's too playful in bed for my liking (her idea of foreplay is a pillow fight that turns into a wrestling match - I'd rather do something more obviously sexual). She treats our pets like babies and talks to them in baby talk. She still pretends to believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny and expects me to fill those roles for HER every year since we don't have kids. She drinks chocolate milk with a straw and blows bubbles all day long. Her idea of a fun weekend date is going to a carnival or parade or the zoo. I'd rather go to a baseball game or a sports bar. She does things that just weird me out on a regular basis, like refusing to sleep if she can't find her favorite teddy bear. She'll be all like "where's bear" and practically be in tears until we find it. She's bad enough at home with me but she completely reverts to childhood around her parents and they just enable it. I thought it was cute when we started dating, it came across as being fun and quirky, but I also kind of always assumed she'd outgrow it. But here we are almost 10 years into marriage and she's still doing it and it makes me crazy! It's like she's permanently stuck in 12 year old land.

This is a simplified version of the conversation today that sent me here:

Me: We should be getting our tax refund in a few weeks. (Told her the amount and that I planned to put 50% into savings). I think maybe we should make some car repairs and do some upgrades in the bathroom.
Her: Aw come on, that's no fun at all. Why don't we take a fun vacation for Valentine's Day and go to the indoor amusement park that weekend? (This is where it gets weird) Please pretty please pretty please please please? Can we PLEEEEEEASE it'd be so cool! I've always wanted to go there let's do it do it do it!
Me: You know both cars need new tires and brake work. And the shower door really needs to be replaced.
Her: Why do you have to be so practical? I want to have some fun winter is so boring and i want to get out of the house and go play somewhere! You know that park has zip lining and water slides right? That's way better than new tires and bathroom fixtures! 

Yes, she talks like that a lot. Like the old Valley Girls or just like a kid. Always giggling and squealing and being generally silly. It's just not appropriate for an almost 30 year old woman. And she does it in public which I find incredibly embarrassing. Plus it's just the irresponsibility. Both our cars need work to pass inspection this spring and yet she broke down in tears when I insisted that we get the work done on them rather than going to the park like she wanted. I just don't get how she can't see that there are more important things in life than "playtime." I suppose that's why she decided to go into the daycare business - she can act like a kid all day with the toddlers in her center. But why can't she keep that behavior to her time with them and not let it run over into her time with me?

Don't get me wrong. I love her and this isn't something I'd leave her over. At least not yet. When I think of the idea of another 10 or 30 or 50 years of it I'm not sure I can take it. We've had a good marriage in general, she's a hard worker and her clients at her daycare center love her and it brings in good money. It's just this refusal on her part to act like a grown adult most of the time. It drives me right up a wall. I've tried to talk to her about it and honestly she says she'll try to stop but I'm not even entirely sure she's aware she's doing it most of the time because it's just part of who she is. Although like I said she is capable of acting professionally when the situation requires it.

Is anyone else married to a spouse like this? My mother calls her a "woman child" and I guess that's about as accurate a description as I can put to it. I really need some advice on how to deal with this.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Maximilian said:


> I thought it was cute when we started dating, it came across as being fun and quirky, but I also kind of always assumed she'd outgrow it. But here we are almost 10 years into marriage and she's still doing it and it makes me crazy! It's like she's permanently stuck in 12 year old land.


It's your fault, 100%. She was like this when you dated so you can't expect her to change. 

This is what YOU married so YOU need to change and deal with it. Get counseling and figure it out.

Suck it up pal, it's going to be a LONG marriage. It would be vile if you left her because of your foolish decision.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> It's your 100% fault. She was like this when you dated so you can't expect her to change.
> 
> This is what YOU married so YOU need to change and deal with it.
> 
> Suck it up pal, it's going to be a LONG marriage.


She was only 19 when we got married. I can't expect a teenage girl to turn into an adult? I've certainly matured a lot since we got married. I don't spend all my time drinking and smoking pot and driving too fast and wasting my time playing video games like I did when I was 19! I'm an adult now and I d*mn well act like one...is it too much to expect her to grow up as well?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*A word of advice ~ your W needs counseling help and needs it right now!*


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Maximilian said:


> She was only 19 when we got married. I can't expect a teenage girl to turn into an adult? I've certainly matured a lot since we got married. I don't spend all my time drinking and smoking pot and driving too fast and wasting my time playing video games like I did when I was 19! I'm an adult now and I d*mn well act like one...*is it too much to expect her to grow up as well?*


Yup. If you expected her to "grow up" more then you should of waited until she did then you wouldn't be in this mess.

It's great you changed for the better but if you were still some pothead, video gaming loser, I'd of told her the same thing.

If she was mature enough to marry in your eyes then she has no obligation to "mature" any further. 

YOU CHANGE if you don't like it. Why should she? She's exactly the same person you were okay marrying.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She needs to knock it off and you need to be more firm about that. The more you allow her to behave like this the more she'll do it. She is capable of mature behavior with her clients, you need to demand she's like that all the time or you will file.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Like others have already said, she was like this when you met her, and you made the mistake of assuming she'd grow out of it. I mean, it was a reasonable guess that she would, most of us do, but some of us have personality disorders and things just don't change. You married her anyway and now you're sort of stuck.

You say two different things in your first post.



Maximilian said:


> I'm not talking like bratty teenage behavior I've known her since she was 15 and she actually never showed that type of behavior with me.





Maximilian said:


> I thought it was cute when we started dating, it came across as being fun and quirky, but I also kind of always assumed she'd outgrow it. But here we are almost 10 years into marriage and she's still doing it and it makes me crazy! It's like she's permanently stuck in 12 year old land.


On one hand she NEVER showed that type of behavior around you until you were married and then you say that behavior was cute but assumed she'd grow out of it.

Perhaps you can explain the obvious discrepancy but either way it's obvious that you jumped into marriage too quickly with a person who is at the very least, somewhat odd and at worst, in need of drastic mental health therapy.

Don't have children with her, she's enough as it is and if you decide to pull the plug it will be easier if she's the only child.



Maximilian said:


> She was only 19 when we got married. I can't expect a teenage girl to turn into an adult?


You can't expect a 19 year teenager to know much of anything, certainly not enough to make a lifelong commitment. 

Getting married at such a young age is a recipe for disaster as you are now finding out.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

Well you married her knowing full well this was who she was. Even at 19 years old those things arent exactly normal either.
Now you're going back and resenting her for the way she is wired. 
Now, I'm 26 and I find some of her behaviour you described not that terrible. She's not as practical as you are, wants to enjoy life and live in the moment a little more while you want to stick to the rules. 
Not being able to sleep until you find her teddy bear however is a little concerning.

You are going to have to sit her down and explain exactly how you feel and come to some kind of middle ground together. You loosen up a little, she skips expecting Santa to come down the chimney on Christmas.

If she can't change to your liking, probably likely since you say she has always been this way and actually a little unfair to expect her to, then you need to accept it and love her the way she deserves or leave so she can find someone who appreciates her.

Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She sounds like she has some sort of mental condition. I'd take her to a psychologist.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

turnera said:


> She sounds like she has some sort of mental condition. I'd take her to a psychologist.


She sounds like she has some sort of mental condition. I'd take her to Disney World.
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And leave her there.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

browser's post FTW!!

You get one life. If she doesn't become normal and drop the weight, you move on. It's simple. I and many others posting in this thread have done it. You change as you get older and figure out what you really want in life. Sometimes the marriage needs to die. No shame in it. 

Do you have kids? If no, then it's a simple business transaction. You will love someone else that is a better fit for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You had every right to expect her to grow up. That said, the fact you ASSUMED she would grow up was a mistake.

Although I have a feeling that even if this was something you'd discussed with her before you married, she'd have just told you what you wanted to hear.

I think the mistake you made was marrying someone who is mentally unbalanced. She REALLY needs to see a psychiatrist or someone and figure out why the hell she acts that way. And you have every right to tell her that this WILL eventually become a dealbreaker for you. (it sure as hell would be a dealbreaker for ME!)


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

Sorry I started to reply to arbitrators post but had to step away to drive my sister and her oldest boy to urgent care because he's running a high fever and her car is in the shop. Now I'm sitting in the waiting room and probably will be for the rest of the night. My wife is at my sisters house watching the other 3 kids (their father is dead).

So I'll try to answer your posts while I'm sitting here.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You know, I am kinda surprised people are willing to leave their toddlers with someone who acts like a 12 year old. I wanted a responsible adult watching my kids when they were that age.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *A word of advice ~ your W needs counseling help and needs it right now!*


My wife is the type who wouldn't go to a dr if she was dying. She's terrified of them. She goes once a year for the mandatory physical and immunizations required of childcare providers and that is it. I doubt very much that she would agree to see a mental health provider. Besides, she doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. I think mostly because not only do her parents enable it, I think they're pretty much responsible for creating it. They treat her and her younger sister like they're still in grade school. As a matter of fact, her mother sometimes behaves in a similar manner now that I think about it. The 3 of them (wife, MIL, & SIL) get together and it's like a bunch of giggly girls having a sleepover. Their favorite words seem to be "it's soooo cuuuuute!" or "how ADORABLE" or "oh how precious! Her dad and I generally retreat to the back yard to play with his shotgun collection.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Maximilian said:


> My wife is the type who wouldn't go to a dr if she was dying. She's terrified of them. She goes once a year for the mandatory physical and immunizations required of childcare providers and that is it.


Does she still get examined by a pediatrician?


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> Yup. If you expected her to "grow up" more then you should of waited until she did then you wouldn't be in this mess.
> 
> It's great you changed for the better but if you were still some pothead, video gaming loser, I'd of told her the same thing.
> 
> ...


We had what was literally a shotgun wedding. She got pregnant (birth control failure) and her father aimed his 12 gauge at me and told me he would blow my balls off if I didn't marry her (no, not joking here). She lost the baby just 3 weeks after the wedding, at about 24 weeks. Due to severe hemorraghing, she also lost the ability to have children (and we both wanted kids). Believe me, I wouldn't have married her that early if it hadn't been for the pregnancy. I would have waited until we were both done with college.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Maximilian said:


> We had what was literally a shotgun wedding. She got pregnant (birth control failure) and her father aimed his 12 gauge at me and told me he would blow my balls off if I didn't marry her (no, not joking here). .


I would have grabbed the gun, pointed it at the floor and said if you ever point that thing at me again you'll be explaining yourself to the police.

Don't let anyone push you around, especially when it's a lifelong commitment to a person who isn't old enough to have a clue what she wants.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

browser said:


> Like others have already said, she was like this when you met her, and you made the mistake of assuming she'd grow out of it. I mean, it was a reasonable guess that she would, most of us do, but some of us have personality disorders and things just don't change. You married her anyway and now you're sort of stuck.
> 
> You say two different things in your first post.
> 
> ...


Sorry I guess I didn't explain myself well. When I said she never acted like a bratty teenager I mean she was never *****y and sullen and hormonal like a 15 or 16 year old. Her behavior is more like that of a 10 or 12 year old.

See above as to why we got married so young. Although actually I was 22. We started dating when she was 15 and I was 18.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Maximilian said:


> Sorry I guess I didn't explain myself well. When I said she never acted like a bratty teenager I mean she was never *****y and sullen and hormonal like a 15 or 16 year old. Her behavior is more like that of a 10 or 12 year old.


You're saying she's never even attained the maturity level of a teenager. Nice.

Well anyway you've gotten pretty much all the advice you can use. You made a mistake marrying her, she's got serious mental issues, dad's got a shotgun that he at least acts like he's not afraid to use, and you're growing increasingly frustrated with this very messed up woman/child who cries when she can't find her stuffed teddy bear. You already know if you stay with her long enough you'll be babbling even worse than she is when she can't find her teddy bear. 

Therapy and medications won't make a difference for a looong time, if ever.

You already know what you need to do. But first file down the firing pin on father-in-law's shotgun.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> browser's post FTW!!
> 
> You get one life. If she doesn't become normal and drop the weight, you move on. It's simple. I and many others posting in this thread have done it. You change as you get older and figure out what you really want in life. Sometimes the marriage needs to die. No shame in it.
> 
> Do you have kids? If no, then it's a simple business transaction. You will love someone else that is a better fit for you.


#1 she's not that overweight. Maybe 20 pounds.

#2 I still love her and besides I would feel very guilty leaving her. She is infertile because she miscarried MY baby and ruptured during the miscarriage requiring an emergency partial hysterectomy. That feels to some extent like my fault.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Maximilian said:


> #1 she's not that overweight. Maybe 20 pounds.
> 
> #2 I still love her and besides I would feel very guilty leaving her. She is infertile because she miscarried MY baby and ruptured during the miscarriage requiring an emergency partial hysterectomy. That feels to some extent like my fault.


Ok so don't leave her. At least she's easy to buy presents for.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

browser said:


> You're saying she's never even attained the maturity level of a teenager. Nice.
> 
> Well anyway you've gotten pretty much all the advice you can use. You made a mistake marrying her, she's got serious mental issues, dad's got a shotgun that he at least acts like he's not afraid to use, and you're growing increasingly frustrated with this very messed up woman/child who cries when she can't find her stuffed teddy bear. You already know if you stay with her long enough you'll be babbling even worse than she is when she can't find her teddy bear.
> 
> ...


Well and that's just it. I feel like she's faking it sometimes or at the very least thinks she can get away with it with me like she does with her parents. But this is a woman who has a bachelors degree in Early Childhood Education and not only has it she graduated with a perfect 4.0 GPA. That's not something a truly immature person could achieve. On top of that, she's been running her own - very successful I might add - childcare business. Her clients think she's wonderful. I've watched her interacting with her clients and she's definitely capable of showing a professional businesswoman persona. But when she's with me, or her parents, or her other family members, she reverts to being a little girl again. I don't know if it's a comfort level - if it's just that she feels safe to show that side of herself to me. If that's the case, I'd like to be able to communicate to her that even though she's "safe" with me, I don't consider it acceptable behavior.

I must admit that I've wondered if I'd actually be doing her a favor if I left. Perhaps she'd have to grow up finally. Either that or she'd just move back home with her parents.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Some women behave like that because they actually think it endears them to men. Have you tried explicitly stating that her childlike behavior is annoying and you need her to grow the f*ck up already?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Maximilian said:


> I must admit that I've wondered if I'd actually be doing her a favor if I left. Perhaps she'd have to grow up finally. Either that or she'd just move back home with her parents.


Or she'd build herself a really cool treehouse.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Maximilian said:


> We had what was literally a shotgun wedding. She got pregnant (birth control failure) and her father aimed his 12 gauge at me and told me he would blow my balls off if I didn't marry her (no, not joking here). She lost the baby just 3 weeks after the wedding, at about 24 weeks. Due to severe hemorraghing, she also lost the ability to have children (and we both wanted kids). Believe me, I wouldn't have married her that early if it hadn't been for the pregnancy. I would have waited until we were both done with college.


Common dude.... 

Thanks for confirming my suspicions from your first post.

Good luck with your short stay on TAM.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Common dude....
> 
> Thanks for confirming my suspicions from your first post.
> 
> Good luck with your short stay on TAM.


You were only suspicious?

This part leaves no shadow of a doubt.



Maximilian said:


> She still pretends to believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny and expects me to fill those roles for HER every year since we don't have kids.


I lol'd picturing a clueless husband dressing up for his wife and acting the part. 

It's a fun thread, just go with it.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

browser said:


> It's a fun thread, just go with it.


Wouldn't it be fun to have a "fake thread" subsection where people post these ridiculous stories and we all have to try to offer serious advice?

Example: My wife cheated on me with a goat because I can't grow a beard. Help!

I'd be on that section daily...... Seriously.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

She acts like that and runs a daycare and cannot have kids because of a massive traumatic experience in her life?

She probably has PTSD.

Get her to a doctor.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I assume this thread is fake, but I have a friend who actually acts this way. Her husband doesn't seem to mind (which I personally can't wrap my head around). I was amazed to read about another human being that behaves that way.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Wouldn't it be fun to have a "fake thread" subsection where people post these ridiculous stories and we all have to try to offer serious advice?
> 
> Example: My wife cheated on me with a goat because I can't grow a beard. Help!
> 
> I'd be on that section daily...... Seriously.


Two lies and a truth? I'd be all over that.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Some women behave like that because they actually think it endears them to men. Have you tried explicitly stating that her childlike behavior is annoying and you need her to grow the f*ck up already?



What's extra squicky, is that some women behave that way _because some men actually do find it attractive_.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Max, I agree with @*turnera* that your W should be evaluated by a psychologist because the regressive behavior you describe is a warning sign for several mental conditions. As @*xMadame* stated, one of these conditions is PTSD. However, the condition most heavily associated with childish behavior is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

*As to the stuffed toys*, for example, BPD is so strongly associated an adult wanting stuffed toys that one toy store has an online website suggesting a "cute BPD Teddy Bear" and other gifts that make appropriate gifts to BPDer adults. See BPD Toys at CafePress. 

Although the association between adult use of "transitional objects" like stuffed animals is strong, there is no convincing evidence showing just how strong that association is. No large studies have been done that I'm aware of. A very small study, however, was done in 1996. It found that, of 36 female psychiatric patients displaying a stuffed animal in their rooms, 61% of them were diagnosed has having BPD. See Bedside Stuffed Animals and BPD. 

Similarly, a 2012 study concludes, _"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by tumultuous, unstable personal relationships, difficulty being alone, and an inability to self-soothe. This may explain why patients with BPD tend to develop strong attachments to transitional objects such as stuffed animals."_ See Adult Attachment to Transitional Objects and BPD.

*As to the baby talk*, this regressive behavior also seems to be fairly common with BPDer adults. Again, I've seen no convincing evidence showing how strong that relationship is. It nonetheless is common to see the partners of BPDers asking why those BPDers frequently engage in baby talk. See, e.g., the thread titled, "Why do BPDers Sometimes Speak with a Childlike Voice?. Also see the BPDfamily thread titled, "Baby Talk." Another one is "My BPD Boyfriend Has Started to Talk Only in Baby Tones." 



> I'm talking childish - or maybe the more appropriate term is child-like. She's still stuck in her preteens - *like 11 or 12 years old*.


If she really is a BPDer, you likely are overestimating her emotional age by about 7 years. A BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old. She therefore is reliant on the primitive ego defenses that young children must rely on. These include, e.g., projection, denial, temper tantrums, sulking, magical thinking, frequent daydreaming, and black-white thinking.



Maximilian said:


> This is a woman who has a bachelors degree in Early Childhood Education and not only has it she graduated with a perfect 4.0 GPA. That's not something a truly immature person could achieve.


If your W really does have strong traits of BPD or another personality disorder, she can be very educated, very intelligent, and very mature in many respects -- while also having the emotional development of a four year old. Many BPDers, for example, become very successful in demanding professions, e.g., becoming psychologists, politicians, social workers, doctors, and famous actors.



> Her clients think she's wonderful. I've watched her interacting with her clients and she's definitely capable of showing a professional businesswoman persona.


That ability does not rule out BPD or another PD. The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people who interact well with business associates, casual friends, clients, and total strangers. The reason is that none of those people pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. 

There is no close relationship that can be abandoned. And there is no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. When a person draws close to the BPDer in a LTR, however, they will start triggering the two fears. This is why a BPDer typically behaves very differently around family members and very close friends than she does around other people.



> But when she's with me, or her parents, or her other family members, she reverts to being a little girl again.


As I just noted, a BPDer or person with another PD typically behaves differently around loved ones -- because they can trigger her fears.



> I really need some advice on how to deal with this.


My advice, Max, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself _-- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

At this point, I am very skeptical about her exhibiting strong BPD behavior because you have not mentioned most of the warning signs. You do not mention, for example, her having an inability to regulate her own emotions or her being emotionally unstable. Nor do you mention her flipping back and forth between loving you and devaluing you. Yet, due to your mention of the stuffed animals, baby talk, and other childlike behaviors, I believe it may be worth your time to take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. 

If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join @*turnera*, @*xMadame*, the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Max.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@Uptown just started reading this thread this morning. Half way though the first post I thpught of you. 

Max, what eise do you see/experience?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sounds like my wife now! lol

several years ago, my wife fit the BPD crazy description. today, she can still lash out, but its rare. 

the age regression is how she prefers to act because she is happy. that does not mean that she is not a capable adult. she ran her own business for two years and made it profitable, in a male dominated field. she takes care of our daughter and our house through years of continuous TDYs and deployments. she does all of that, and she sleeps with a 12 inch stuffed stitch. 

truth is, i love her to death. why should i care if she enjoys little girl stuff? IT MAKES HER HAPPY! that is all i really care about. she is not cheating on me, she is not constantly attacking me, she is not denying me sex, she is not doing any of the things that would break up a marriage when she is feeling safe enough to act like a little girl without judgement. 

OP, i dont know if your story is true or not, but i can tell you one thing: there ARE a lot of men who would kill to have a wife that acts exactly the way yours does. grown women who have real life experience and can successfully manage their own businesses. if you leave her, she is not likely to just "grow up". she is likely to find a man who appreciates her child like joy. 

your wife doesnt need therapy. she is productive and happy. YOU just dont like her personality quirks. you are the one who is not happy. 

go to therapy and figure out what you want to do about it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *A word of advice ~ your W needs counseling help and needs it right now!*


that advice makes no sense. she is productive and happy, and is not doing anything damaging or harmful to herself or the people around her. 

her husband does not like her personality quirks. but why does that mean there is something wrong with _her_?

her husband is basically telling her "you and everyone around us are happy. but you need to change so that i can be happy."

how does that make any sense?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Rowan said:


> What's extra squicky, is that some women behave that way _because some men actually do find it attractive_.


Eww. Just eww. I just can't fathom how someone would find a grown woman behaving like a child attractive unless that person has some serious mental health issues.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> Eww. Just eww. I just can't fathom how someone would find a grown woman behaving like a child attractive unless that person has some serious mental health issues.


i find it adorable. then again, i never claimed to be sane.

:grin2:


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

Sorry didn't mean to disappear things were rough last night didn't get to bed until after midnight and just woke up. My nephew has meningitis and my sister is understandably freaked out. Wife as well. Sister's 3 other kids have to go in for testing today and since her youngest is in my wife's daycare she has decided to close the center for a few days to make sure none of the other kids develop symptoms. My poor wife is now dealing with calling all the parents to let them know about this. I have to give her credit she's dealing with this very well. Which is normal for her - flip out over the little things, calm cool and collected in a crisis.

Uptown I just saw your response and I'll check out the links later, thanks. Right now I have to get ready to take sister's kids to get their blood tests. I suppose we'll have to get tested too although no one mentioned it last night. Gonna be a long day.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

As'laDain said:


> i find it adorable. then again, i never claimed to be sane.
> 
> :grin2:


Every pot has a lid. :laugh:

OP doesn't seem to find his wife's childish behavior acceptable, much less adorable. If she can't/won't grow up, then I'd chalk it up to basic incompatibility and encourage OP to divorce and seek out a compatible partner who mentally and emotionally matured past adolescence.

Did you read the text exchange where she literally begged like a freakin 10 year old to go to an indoor amusement park rather than use the money to pay for necessary car repairs? I can't even tolerate actual teenagers behaving that way, much less an adult. Living with that for years with no end in sight would make me violently insane.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Maximilian said:


> Sorry didn't mean to disappear things were rough last night didn't get to bed until after midnight and just woke up. My nephew has meningitis and my sister is understandably freaked out. Wife as well. Sister's 3 other kids have to go in for testing today and since her youngest is in my wife's daycare she has decided to close the center for a few days to make sure none of the other kids develop symptoms. My poor wife is now dealing with calling all the parents to let them know about this. I have to give her credit she's dealing with this very well. Which is normal for her - flip out over the little things, calm cool and collected in a crisis.
> 
> Uptown I just saw your response and I'll check out the links later, thanks. Right now I have to get ready to take sister's kids to get their blood tests. I suppose we'll have to get tested too although no one mentioned it last night. Gonna be a long day.


I don't know about your location, but here meningitis vaccines are required for daycare and school. Hopefully, most of the children are vaccinated. 

Please keep us updated. Meningitis is scary. Saying a prayer for your family and the daycare kids.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> Every pot has a lid. :laugh:
> 
> OP doesn't seem to find his wife's childish behavior acceptable, much less adorable. If she can't/won't grow up, then I'd chalk it up to basic incompatibility and encourage OP to divorce and seek out a compatible partner who mentally and emotionally matured past adolescence.
> 
> Did you read the text exchange where she literally begged like a freakin 10 year old to go to an indoor amusement park rather than use the money to pay for necessary car repairs? I can't even tolerate actual teenagers behaving that way, much less an adult. Living with that for years with no end in sight would make me violently insane.


yeah, i read it. my wife does that kind of stuff with me all the time. i dont mind it at all. its not like i will change my mind without a really good reason.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> I don't know about your location, but here meningitis vaccines are required for daycare and school. Hopefully, most of the children are vaccinated.
> 
> Please keep us updated. Meningitis is scary. Saying a prayer for your family and the daycare kids.


really scary... especially considering that a boy just died in Pennsylvania from meningitis a few weeks ago...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> that advice makes no sense. she is productive and happy, and is not doing anything damaging or harmful to herself or the people around her.
> 
> her husband does not like her personality quirks. but why does that mean there is something wrong with _her_?
> 
> ...


*The OP had concerns over the behavior of his wife and other family members in that none of them appeared to be very serious about anything. 

To that end, I was only offering tacit agreement to his initial thought process! Nothing more ~ nothing less!
*


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

Been reading the new posts and thinking them over. I do think a lot of her behavior comes from her upbringing. I haven't spent a ton of time with her parents but I do see her mother and her sister act the same way around her father and yes I think he encourages it so I suppose he must be one of those men who like it. I'm not even sure why it bothers me so much lately it didn't used to get to me so much. But lately her little girl behavior has been getting on my nerves more and more, and quite honestly it's really embarrassing when she does it in public. And it's starting to affect my sexual attraction to her as well. Quite honestly it's not attractive having sex with a woman who came to bed wearing teddy bear footie pyjamas. Especially when she's been doing something like wearing pigtails all day. Makes me feel like a cradle robber or worse.

Uptown I haven't had a chance to read your links yet. Maybe when everyone else has gone to bed for the night. My sister is at the hospital and we have the other kids for the night. Wife is happily watching Frozen with them in the other room. Oh how I hate that movie.

FYI the other 3 kids tested negative. They're all up to date on their immunizations. The oldest has epilepsy and for reasons I don't understand it means he can't get immunizations. Unfortunately it also means the high fever could be even more dangerous to him than to healthy kids.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Have you actually sat down with your wife and discussed how her behavior is turning you off? Does she know she's creeping you out?


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

Uptown I finally got through your links and no I don't think that fits her at all. She is actually probably one of the most well adjusted, happy people I know. No anger, no temper tantrums, none of that. The only things from the list that stood out to me were the poor impulse control, the inability to self soothe, and the personality changing depending on who she is with. All of which are actually normal behaviors - for children.

I know some of you think I'm crazy for being bothered by a happy, playful, easy to get along with spouse. But I feel more like her father than her husband. Yes I'm proud of her for her success as a business owner but then again her job is a perfect fit for her personality. She gets to play with little kids all day. I just wish she could be more of an adult when she's with me, especially when we are in public. And I wish she would be more grown woman sexy rather than little girl cutesy, especially in bed.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

Celes said:


> Have you actually sat down with your wife and discussed how her behavior is turning you off? Does she know she's creeping you out?


Yes actually I have. Multiple times in fact. She doesn't understand why it bothers me but she always promises to try to change. And usually she does change for a little while but it never lasts. And there are things I would like from her that I have spoken to her about that she has never done, like worn sexy lingerie or trying something new in bed. For all we have what I would consider a comfortable amount of sex, our sex life is predictable and much as I hate to say it, it's boring. To the point where I really don't enjoy it or even want it much anymore. I would say she's not really a very sexual person she doesn't even seem to notice that we don't do it much anymore.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think your wife is who she is and it's not going to change much going forward. I also think that as she ages, these behaviors might be even more generally off-putting (picture a 50 year old woman exhibiting these behaviors).

I think you owe it to her to have a heartfelt completely honest conversation again about this, in the most non blaming but honest way possible. Completely open, sharing, full of love, but also truth. She seems like a good person, this is just how she wants to live, how she wants to present herself and experience life.

That doesn't mean that it works for YOU. It wouldn't work for a lot of people. After your disclosure about how you are feeling, if she decides she doesn't want to partner with you on this and add another dimension to the relationship with some different, more mature and adult behavior and experiences, I think you need to decide if you can live this relationship dynamic for the rest of your life, or not. And then take action either way toward embracing who she is as is, or moving on.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Maximilian said:


> Yes actually I have. Multiple times in fact. She doesn't understand why it bothers me but she always promises to try to change. And usually she does change for a little while but it never lasts. And there are things I would like from her that I have spoken to her about that she has never done, like worn sexy lingerie or trying something new in bed. For all we have what I would consider a comfortable amount of sex, our sex life is predictable and much as I hate to say it, it's boring. To the point where I really don't enjoy it or even want it much anymore. I would say she's not really a very sexual person she doesn't even seem to notice that we don't do it much anymore.


Have you tried _showing_ her? For example, she starts acting like a child and you just simply turn and walk away each and every time, no matter what is going on. If she asks why you walked away, calmly tell her. Eventually, she'll get the hint and stop acting that way around you.

The refusal to try anything new, wear lingerie, and boring sex life I can't help with. If she's "not very sexual", that's just who she is and you are either going to live with it or not, but don't expect it to change.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> Have you tried _showing_ her? For example, she starts acting like a child and you just simply turn and walk away each and every time, no matter what is going on. If she asks why you walked away, calmly tell her. Eventually, she'll get the hint and stop acting that way around you.


That's actually not a bad idea. This is a boundaries/consequences issue. You've explained it makes you unhappy that she CHOOSES to act that way - that is called a Love Buster, look it up - and she still chooses not to change. So your resultant consequence (what YOU do to protect yourself, not something you do 'to' her) would be to leave the room. If she gets upset enough that you keep doing it, she just might decide she wants to change.

fwiw, I know a young lady like your wife. Depending on who she's talking to, she uses her baby voice or her grownup voice. It's really fascinating to watch who she uses which voice for. But it proves that she KNOWS she can change it if she wants to.



> The refusal to try anything new, wear lingerie, and boring sex life I can't help with. If she's "not very sexual", that's just who she is and you are either going to live with it or not, but don't expect it to change.


Here's my suggestion for this. Get this book and sit down and show it to her and tell her you'd like her to participate in it with you. It may be hard to find. It is a set of 52 'invitations' - 26 for the man and 26 for the woman. Basically, you 'invite' your spouse to an event based on each invitation. It gives instructions on what to bring and what to tell the other person to bring. And it gives instructions on how to conduct the evening, which might be perfect for her, since she hasn't reached her 'adult' version yet and it will guide her to having 'grownup' sex. And it's a great bonding experience. 

It's set up to do one a week. So you kind of surprise each other with whichever one you choose that week. An example for the female: invite the guy to a place and time and tell him to bring a can of whipped cream. That's it. Meanwhile, she has bought some fruit like strawberries or pineapple and strung them on a string like you'd string popcorn for a Christmas tree. When he shows up, all she is wearing is the fruit, wrapped around her body. His job is to eat his way to an awesome night, with the whipped cream being the icing on the cake.

I've heard the book is hard to find and may be expensive since it's so rare, but if you can get into the process, it will be well worth the money.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

So we had a really long talk that has lasted pretty much all day today and I appreciate all of the advice here because I definitely made use of it. Based on some of the threads here I guess I should consider myself lucky that we are able to have serious discussions without arguments or tears.

So basically, having tried and failed in the past, she doesn't believe she can change her behavior. She's not even sure she wants to try. Wants to know why it bothers me when it doesn't bother anyone else she knows.

She is absolutely unwilling to change/spice up our sex life. She is content with the way it is and she says the other things I have tried in the past, normal as many couples would consider them, make her feel dirty and used.

There was obviously more to it than this, but at the end of the day, the #1 thing I got from our conversation is that she wants me to be a father figure more than she wants me to be a husband. But I want a wife not a 12 year old daughter.

We are going to find a marriage counselor. At the end of six months we are going to take stock of the situation and if we both still feel the way we do right now, I am going to move out and we will try a trial separation. I have to admit I'm hurt. I'm willing to try to meet her halfway but I feel like she's not willing to compromise at all. In fact she seems so willing to just throw it all in right now (if you're that unhappy why don't you just leave came out of her mouth at least twice) that I would think she had someone else waiting in the wings if I could figure out where she would ever have time to even meet someone else. Hard to start an affair when you're in your own home surrounded by toddlers 5-6 days per week. Although that may be just paranoia from reading too many affair threads here since the thought had never even crossed my mind in the past.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think she just knows who she is. She is right to be so honest and open and clear with you.

And you are right to leave if you cannot love her just the way she is.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

jld said:


> I think she just knows who she is. She is right to be so honest and open and clear with you.
> 
> And you are right to leave if you cannot love her just the way she is.


I agree with what you are saying. Thing is, I do love her. But lately I find there are a lot of times when I don't LIKE her very much. Mostly when she acts in an embarrassing manner in public. Which she did actually agree she would work on because she could see how it would be from my point of view. I'm not sure yet if having her stop acting out in public will be enough of a change for me. Especially now that I know our sex life is NEVER going to change. I think I would have put up with her childishness a lot longer if we had a satisfying sex life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maximilian said:


> I agree with what you are saying. Thing is, I do love her. But lately I find there are a lot of times when I don't LIKE her very much. Mostly when she acts in an embarrassing manner in public. Which she did actually agree she would work on because she could see how it would be from my point of view. I'm not sure yet if having her stop acting out in public will be enough of a change for me. Especially now that I know our sex life is NEVER going to change. I think I would have put up with her childishness a lot longer if we had a satisfying sex life.


Yes, even when people try to change, their natural temperament seems to come out during times of stress. And she may just decide it is not worth it to even work on it, especially when a different man might find her fine just the way she is. Much less stressful all around.

It is possible to love someone and still realize that you both are better suited to different partners. You can liberate each other to find more naturally satisfying spouses.

I knew a girl in college who used to get really excited about Disney. She, too, was great with little kids. Loved crafts, had tons of stuffed animals in her dorm room, drew smiley faces everywhere, was always snacking on teddy-bear shaped graham crackers. She studied elementary education, a perfect fit for her personality.

I don't know who she ended up marrying, but I hope it was someone who really appreciated those things in her. Because I can totally see how it could drive a different type of man crazy.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Maximilian said:


> I married Lorelei Gilmore. Or maybe Phoebe from Friends. Or maybe she's Hannah Montana. I don't know. All I know is, you read about men and Peter Pan syndrome - well, my wife has a lot of aspects of it. She's 27 years old and she still acts like a kid most of the time.
> 
> I'm not talking like bratty teenage behavior I've known her since she was 15 and she actually never showed that type of behavior with me. I'm talking childish - or maybe the more appropriate term is child-like. She's still stuck in her preteens - like 11 or 12 years old. And she doesn't have to be because she doesn't do it with everyone - just around me and her family, and the kids she takes care of every day as a daycare worker. With them you'd think she was an overgrown 4 year old. With her clients she's definitely a mature, responsible adult.
> 
> ...



This is hilarious! I would love to see it in person. I didn't read the entire thread but have you had a come-to-Jesus moment with her telling her she needs to stop being so childish?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> Yes, even when people try to change, their natural temperament seems to come out during times of stress. And she may just decide it is not worth it to even work on it, especially when a different man might find her fine just the way she is. Much less stressful all around.
> 
> It is possible to love someone and still realize that you both are better suited to different partners. You can liberate each other to find more naturally satisfying spouses.
> *
> ...


Maybe she married OP.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

jld said:


> Yes, even when people try to change, their natural temperament seems to come out during times of stress. And she may just decide it is not worth it to even work on it, especially when a different man might find her fine just the way she is. Much less stressful all around.
> 
> It is possible to love someone and still realize that you both are better suited to different partners. You can liberate each other to find more naturally satisfying spouses.
> 
> ...


Thanks jld. What you say makes sense. I guess perhaps when we were dating and earlier in our marriage I was immature enough myself to not be bothered by her behavior. But I feel like I've grown up in the past 5 years or so and she hasnt. Although I have to give her a lot of credit for her business success. Although like you say it suits her personality. I suppose if she were truly immature she wouldn't be able to handle the business end of things so well no matter how good she is with the kids. But then it's not really immaturity anyway. It's childishness which is a very different thing. And I can see where it would be attractive to some men especially since my FIL is obviously one of them. He treats his wife the same way he treats his daughters and granddaughters. Like they are all the same age and he's the only adult in the family. It's a strange dynamic and I wish I had recognized it 10 years ago.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maximilian said:


> Thanks jld. What you say makes sense. I guess perhaps when we were dating and earlier in our marriage I was immature enough myself to not be bothered by her behavior. But I feel like I've grown up in the past 5 years or so and she hasnt. Although I have to give her a lot of credit for her business success. Although like you say it suits her personality. I suppose if she were truly immature she wouldn't be able to handle the business end of things so well no matter how good she is with the kids. But then it's not really immaturity anyway. It's childishness which is a very different thing. And I can see where it would be attractive to some men especially since my FIL is obviously one of them. He treats his wife the same way he treats his daughters and granddaughters. Like they are all the same age and he's the only adult in the family. It's a strange dynamic and I wish I had recognized it 10 years ago.


Just be grateful you do not have any children with her. That would make things so much harder.

It sounds like you have basically outgrown this relationship. I think you will both be happier once you allow yourselves to move on.

Do you think her dad will give you any trouble?


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

jld said:


> Just be grateful you do not have any children with her. That would make things so much harder.
> 
> It sounds like you have basically outgrown this relationship. I think you will both be happier once you allow yourselves to move on.
> 
> Do you think her dad will give you any trouble?


If we split up you mean? My guess is he'd be thrilled. I doubt she'd move back home because the daycare center is in our rental house but I would guess she'd be home most of the time if she's not working. Considering SIL moved back home (with 4 kids no less) after her husband died, they can all be one big happy family again. I don't think he was really that thrilled we got married, but we live in a community where being an unwed mother is still considered extremely shameful.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Maximilian said:


> Thanks jld. What you say makes sense. I guess perhaps when we were dating and earlier in our marriage I was immature enough myself to not be bothered by her behavior. But I feel like I've grown up in the past 5 years or so and she hasnt. Although I have to give her a lot of credit for her business success. Although like you say it suits her personality. I suppose if she were truly immature she wouldn't be able to handle the business end of things so well no matter how good she is with the kids. But then it's not really immaturity anyway. It's childishness which is a very different thing. And I can see where it would be attractive to some men especially since my FIL is obviously one of them. He treats his wife the same way he treats his daughters and granddaughters. Like they are all the same age and he's the only adult in the family. It's a strange dynamic and I wish I had recognized it 10 years ago.


Now that you said this, it makes a lot of sense. And my friend who has the same personality had the same dynamic growing up. The man of the house runs the show, no questions asked. The children and other relatives are clearly expected to do as they are told and not to think for themselves. As a result it's as if they never grew up fully. 

Did your wife ever live on her own for any period of time before you dated? It sounds like she was looking for a surrogate daddy more than a husband. 

There are lots of men and cultures out there that do want this dynamic - not the cutesy childlike part - but the leadership role never questioned part. 

I assume your kids are young? What will happen when they are teenagers or young adults and find their own mother embarrassing? Most teens don't want their mom to speak to them like they are babies.


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

Um wow you have got to be joking!? Some of that behavior is good in a relationship but a lot of that is disturbing. Why don't you split the bills 50/50 and let her see the money fly out the window. Also let her know that if you don't upkeep the house it will cost your more money later on. It's good for her to have a good relationship with her family but damn my mother would have never ever let me act like that. Now I'm 33 and I like having fun but honestly I can't because I'm the level headed one in the relationship my husband and I have two children. He makes the money and I spend it (not like I would like to). I make all of the choices major and minor. He's like a child too but a man child. He sees something he wants and starts a fight because he knows I'm going to say no because we don't have the money. I know this is scary but what about putting her in charge of some responsibilities like paying bills. Have you ever sat down and showed her yalls expenses and the upcoming things y'all have to do? I wish I had a husband that would allow me to act like that it sounds like a care free life for her must be nice. Honestly you sound too good for her. At 27 I still wanted to have fun but couldn't because I had two children to look out after and a husband that wouldn't act like a father. Every time I would let him take over the money we wouldn't have enough to pay the bills because he would buy anything he wanted. He said well we have the money why not spend it I told him hello we have a house and bills. He couldn't understand that. I don't know if I would stick with this girl but some men a girl like that is music to their ears. Ha if she got with a man like her they wouldn't have a dime to their name. Unfortunately that's probably what she needs. I came from a very well to do family and I have so much work piled on me and stress it's pulling me down I could have been very successful with a family if I wasn't babysitting a grown man. A man like you needs a woman that knows when to have fun and when to be serous. Oh and acting like a kid with stuffed animals and watching kids shows isn't that bad. During the day I watch the food network but in the afternoon I love watching cartoons with my kids I guess I wouldn't do it by myself though. And the pillow fight before sex um what the hell is that about!? Pillow fight sounds fun but before bed is a little strange....that gets her aroused?! My husband used to rip my cloths I would get so pissed I buy nice cloths on clearance after the season so I work hard to look nice and save money. By the way how old are you? Sounds like there maybe an age gap me and my husband are only 6 months apart.


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## noloverelation (Jun 21, 2013)

I read a little more of the post do you watch porn? When you ask her to do new things she maybe thinking that. Where you her first? It took me awhile to open up to my husband and not feel dirty if you make her feel like that then it doesn't feel like y'all are making love. And the kid stuff that's her job she may not know how to live any other way. I understand the sex problem that's a big one you need to feel like a man while she needs to feel safe. The cooking thing she's still young and runs a daycare out of yalls rent house she probably doesn't have time to learn how. I had my basics all these years but honestly it cost lots of money to buy the food and prep it and most of the time it doesn't turn out just right it takes practice. I hate experimenting with food then having to throw it out I see dollar signs when I throw food in the trash. I don't know you maybe being a little to hard on her. Honestly if my husband would come to me with a father like mentality it would anger me real fast. She works hard taking care of kids all day and she wants to have a little fun. Hell I used to want to have fun every day after a hard days work. I would get the kids ready for bed then I wanted forplay then sex but that never happened he would stick his head in his phone and play games. Over the last year I've decided to do the same and he comes to me when he wants it which is like once a month. The sex talk with her probably was a huge insult I would bring it up again on a nicer note she may eventually warm up to it. Trust me you put it in her head but don't ever make her feel less of a woman for not wanting to do more. Did you ever buy her something sexy to wear? Like I said it could be hard for her to go from having to be child like for her job which is great to a sexy woman in the afternoon. Why don't you get her some candles and run a nice bubble bath for her and tell her to enjoy herself. Kids can wind you up so tight it's crazy. Talk to her about her day if she doesn't want to do that talk to her about your day not business but things you talk about with coworkers personal stuff. Remember she's going to be sore from yalls other talk it may take some time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> Maybe she married OP.


OP does she like teddygrams?!! :corkysm60:


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

My sister is 40 and acts a lot like this. She does have mental issues and her exH left her over it. Of course, she showed zero ambition with her early childhood education MASTERS. (And in her defense, her ex was a D*CK.)

No advice, I just know this is a thing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Maximilian said:


> I married Lorelei Gilmore. Or maybe Phoebe from Friends. Or maybe she's Hannah Montana. I don't know. All I know is, you read about men and Peter Pan syndrome - well, my wife has a lot of aspects of it. She's 27 years old and she still acts like a kid most of the time.
> 
> I'm not talking like bratty teenage behavior I've known her since she was 15 and she actually never showed that type of behavior with me. I'm talking childish - or maybe the more appropriate term is child-like. She's still stuck in her preteens - like 11 or 12 years old. And she doesn't have to be because she doesn't do it with everyone - just around me and her family, and the kids she takes care of every day as a daycare worker. With them you'd think she was an overgrown 4 year old. With her clients she's definitely a mature, responsible adult.
> 
> ...


Please tell me your joking. 

If not, your wife needs help, the professional kind.


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