# Relocating for a job



## entropy4hunt (Nov 26, 2017)

Hi all.

My wife and I are both successful young professionals, she is a computer scientist, and I am a R&D Engineer. I have a great job in a really nice state in the northeast, and she also has a great job while she finishes her master's degree. We are happy here, have plenty of money, and enough to buy a really nice house. We were planing on buying a house next year, I got a great promotion at work, but everything changed when she went to this conference for computer scientists. She started getting interviews at top companies like Google, Microsoft, JPL (NASA), John Hopkins Applied physics labs (APL), etc.. She did amazingly well and ended up getting a bunch of offers, she is young, and so am I.

She was super excited about all these options, but it was a no brainer. I mean she is young, she is getting great opportunities, and she seemed so happy. I agreed to move somewhere else, and change our plans. However, we started arguing, because she got an absurdly high offer from APL and a mediocre offer from JPL. I wanted to take the one at APL, because it was a great job and compensation was literally 30% higher. I would have jumped directly to APL if it was my choice, plus housing in Maryland is not as bad as it is in the Los Angeles, CA area, which is where JPL is. She said she couldn't take the job, because she said she wouldn't be so happy working for defense, and she really likes space exploration. She called her mom, and her mom told her "money isn't everything", so that made her decision even more clear. Her mom always looks down on me if I bring the money thing which is annoying me because it is OUR marriage. She also looks down on me because of what her mom thinks.

I couldn't convince her otherwise, and in all honesty I can't make her take a job that she says would make her unhappy. But the offer from JPL was pretty mediocre, and LA is absurdly expensive, forget about buying a house... She tried negotiating with JPL, but couldn't get very far, they just don't have a big budget because they're funded by NASA, and they just pay people less than they deserve. She ended up taking the job at JPL even though it was a lot less than offered by APL and less than she is making here.... I now have to quit my job and find some job in the LA area, which shouldn't be much of a problem. I told her I loved her, and that I am moving with her and we will make it work.

Here is the problem though, I agree that "money isn't everything in life". But money is a god damn big factor on standard of living because of the society we live in. Money matters, like it or not. It definitely matters to me, and I am the type of person who puts life before career. Reality is, I am mad. I don't want to move to LA, and I am pissed this is happening. I love lakes, forest, green, solitude, backcountry skiing, winter, bow hunting, and now I am moving to a God damn expensive hot desert full of millions of people. I lived in a big city most of my life, and I don't want to go back to it. I can't hide it, and every single time I try to talk about it, she freaks out, gets mad at me, or cries. I know this is good for her career, and I am willing to sacrifice a bit for her. But it is really difficult, and I am having doubts about this marriage thing. My dad talked to me and he told me, he thinks there is no point moving if our standard of living is not going to improve. I agree with him. However, if she doesn't make the move, she will never know, and she might resent me forever. She wants to do it, she is going to do it... and I am just going to have to go through this with her, knowing it is going to make things harder. I just need the strength for our marriage to survive through it, and I honestly don't think I can pull through it.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

You state at the end that if she doesn't take the job and go through with the move she may resent you. If I understand... Aren't you afraid that you may end up resenting her? You will be in a place you do not wish to be, not living up to a standard of living you have worked hard to have. It is tough situation. 

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## entropy4hunt (Nov 26, 2017)

BAN919 said:


> You state at the end that if she doesn't take the job and go through with the move she may resent you. If I understand... Aren't you afraid that you may end up resenting her? You will be in a place you do not wish to be, not living up to a standard of living you have worked hard to have. It is tough situation.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


Yes. and she knows this, and said "if it really sucks we can always move". But it isn't that simple, we are moving across the country, making a huge move, we can't just pack and come back after I quit my job, we can't just pack and go somewhere else. It is not that easy, it would take a few years for us to move somewhere else if we don't like it. I really think she is not thinking this through, and she is blinded by the idea of working for NASA.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

I am all for people achieving their dreams but if she knows you will be unhappy it is a bit ****ty she is still adamant about taking the job. Especially when it sounds like she is capable of getting other great offers with more agreeable locations.


My husband always told me that places don't matter it is people. I disagree. I lived in an area I did not like and was very unhappy. After years of doing it I eventually gave him an ultimatum. I let him know he is more than welcome to stay. However I could not do it any longer. We ended moving to somewhere with more family and support and I am happy. I feel he is too. 

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I agree completely that money isn't everything, I would far rather my husband had a job that he enjoyed that earned less, that one he didn't like that earned more. 
However I wouldn't want to live in a hot desert city either, so I can see your point. I cant imagine wanting to move anywhere that my husband didn't want to. 

My thought is that she waits and goes after jobs in areas that you would both be happy to live in. Surely there will be other opportunities? In the mean time, you said that you are both doing well so you have no real need to move yet do you? Why do you need to move anyway if you both have good jobs and like it there?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I think she needs to consider your feelings as well, could she go before you and see if she ill even like it before you pull up your roots?

This is a tough one, but life is all about money it's how we survive.


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## entropy4hunt (Nov 26, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I agree completely that money isn't everything, I would far rather my husband had a job that he enjoyed that earned less, that one he didn't like that earned more.
> However I wouldn't want to live in a hot desert city either, so I can see your point. I cant imagine wanting to move anywhere that my husband didn't want to.
> 
> My thought is that she waits and goes after jobs in areas that you would both be happy to live in. Surely there will be other opportunities? In the mean time, you said that you are both doing well so you have no real need to move yet do you? Why do you need to move anyway if you both have good jobs and like it there?


Good points and thanks for answering. We are both happy here, the problem is that we don't know if this is going to last. There are not many career options for our interests where we live, so it is a little of a challenge to stay here, and we were willing to take that challenge. Basically because we both have good jobs, the idea of owning a house and some land seemed worth the challenge of building our careers here. The plan was to stay here for a while and see how things developed, if we felt our careers got "stuck" we would move somewhere else, similar, but with more opportunities. However, the opportunity presented itself, she didn't really look for it. It happened. She never thought she would get an opportunity to work for NASA. And I get it, some people love southern California, but it really isn't the place for us. On the other hand, I have to quit my job and look for a new job in a place where I don't even want to live. We are not even used to traffic. I am mostly stressed, worried, and mad that it had to be L.A. Having this job on her resume would be huge, and facilitate things for us in the future, but so would have been APL, and we would have been able to buy a house and be near places that we both like.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Damn... tough situation. Worse case scenario; sounds like the beginning of the end, considering either way, one partner will begin to resent the other. You are already beginning to resent her. Every negative experience in LA from now on you will blame her, fueling the wedge between the two of you in your marriage. She made the decision as well, irrespective of your feelings - unless you failed to make your feelings clear.

Did you? Have you told her everything you have told us here? What is her response to your concerns? Each individual one?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

If it makes you feel any better at all, the comparison between MD and LA isn't as peachy as you're making it out to be. I live close to the APL and we've got big city traffic here, high cost of living and a ton of people. I commute 1.25 hrs each way to work and thats fairly normal here. It's also miserably hot from June - September with air quality warnings to encourage people inside because of the smog. It wouldn't have been an ideal walk in the park had you moved here, either.

Have you been out to LA to visit? Maybe take a trip and just tour the area with an open mind to see if it's workable for you. 

Have you told her that you are questioning the marriage over this? 

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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I've been many times to LA, I hate it there. South or North of it I like it, but LA sucks, at least for me.

You need to look at the big picture, protecting toward the future: are kids in your near future? Would your wife stay at home or part time if kids are part of that near future? If so, such big move makes no sense.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

kag123 said:


> If it makes you feel any better at all, the comparison between MD and LA isn't as peachy as you're making it out to be. I live close to the APL and we've got big city traffic here, high cost of living and a ton of people. I commute 1.25 hrs each way to work and thats fairly normal here. It's also miserably hot from June - September with air quality warnings to encourage people inside because of the smog. It wouldn't have been an ideal walk in the park had you moved here, either.


Grass isn't so green after all

Ah, abandoning a quiet, peaceful country life for the big city in search of opportunity... I live in a big city, I also find it horrible, but there are ways. To have a quiet neighborhood, chances are the commutes are long, but to live closer to the central business districts would mean traffic noise, smaller spaces, and lack of green. But, I just got an apartment with an atrium with a garden, so with 15 minutes commute to work and when I'm at home, even if I can't look to the great beyond (and see just... more houses/apartments/planes... yay... not!), I have a feeling of solitute and isolation that I missed from country living. And a cat.

If it's hot, get air-cond. High cost of living? Higher pay, it balances itself out. My area is also expensive, costs $2M for a run down apartment with holes in the roof lol. But your income should suffice. Still, I would take the country life again if I had a choice, but it doesn't mean city living is unbearable, you just have to adapt.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Personally I would prefer a balance of both sides, because to me while happiness at work is important, money is also important. Our lives and hobbies don’t get funded by air and to build a family and have freedom we need money. Freedom to have better healthcare, freedom to do what we like, to not worry about the bills, even freedom to change jobs and our lives if we don’t like our current job.

But arguing about this is irrelevant since everyone has a say on their priorities. What matters here is if you guys have different priorities, can they be worked out?

Being in a relationship means that our career choices would end up affecting epthe other and can’t simply decide by ourselves. One can’t simply take a less paying job if it means burdening the other a lot more, unless the othe agrees.

In your case you must talk to her and come to a compromise that both can be happy with. Is woking with NASA that great?Would she not be happy with other opoortunities? Opportunities in IT are endless and there are more projects that can be big. And then sometimes we might expect it to be great just to find out the project actually is not and maybe in a few years she changes jobs which is not uncommon in IT.
Can she find something else where she might also love and work where you guys might live happier? You moving with her also means sacrificing from your part and you both need to be happy about it. It can’t be just for the sake of one.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This is going to be unpopular but I don't think she's selfish at all for taking the job. 

If she really wants to work in space exploration the jobs are not that plentiful and she has to take the opportunity. You guys are young and have no kids so you may just be incompatible, and this is the time to figure that out.

I personally would take that job and offer you an amicable out. 

Maybe you should consider going your separate ways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Once she starts her job with JPL, what percentage of your joint income (with your current salary) will she be making?

I am with you about the LA area. I consider it a step down in standard of living for most people.

For example I have brother who live there. He pays $1,900 a month for a small 2 bedroom apartment. It's rather run down. Here were I live, the same place would go for about $800 a month.

If she is hell bent on taking this job, are you going to job hunt and secure a job before you move out there? With today's economy, there is no way I would quit a job to move to LA in hopes of finding another... even in your field. 

This is a real problem because someone has to give up something.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Wife's cousin worked for a NASA contractor for two decades. Made mid six figures as director. Was canned when the Mars program went belly up. 

JPL is not a bad gig but to do meaningful work there or in any agency you better have a PhD as the sheepskin culture is alive and well. That's r&d mentality in general and the reason I spent my mid 30s pursuing a doctorate. 

Ask her to find what's the plan for after JPL. Defense and aerospace are very finicky employment wise. While many people with my background ended up there I was always too chicken to "watch my job debated in Congress on C-SPAN TV" as my colleague who worked on defense for a while put it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

This all comes down to priorities. If her career is top priority, you will always be second place at best.

I don't think she is wrong for wanting this job, but it may be a good indication that her own sense of professional fulfillment means a lot more to her than your happiness. The fact that she refuses to have an open discussion with you about the situation reinforces this. 

You have some time thinking to do. What will happen when the next job offer comes. Or the next? Will you always be expected to uproot yourself in sacrifice to her career? 

Do you plan to have kids? It behooves you to figure this out before you do.

All that said, if you agree to go with her make your best effort to be happy there. It sounds as though you have already decided that you will hate LA. If that is your attitude, it is a certainty that you will. Don't even bother going if you are going to constantly remind her of how much you hate it and make zero effort to find happiness.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Gotta admit, it would hard for me to turn down a job offer from NASA. I wanna be launched into space too! lol

Also what EleGirl said:



EleGirl said:


> If she is hell bent on taking this job, are you going to job hunt and secure a job before you move out there? With today's economy, there is no way I would quit a job to move to LA in hopes of finding another... even in your field.


Big city dynamics is not like the country, there is TONS of competition, with applicants everywhere, even from overseas. I put out one ad and there's hundreds of applicants, I give each CV 1-2 seconds to impress me. The more specialised your field, the better, but it pays to know people there - which you don't. I also recommend job hunting first before the move. Curious though, do you have a time limit - has she accepted the offer?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> This all comes down to priorities. If her career is top priority, you will always be second place at best.
> 
> I don't think she is wrong for wanting this job, but it may be a good indication that her own sense of professional fulfillment means a lot more to her than your happiness. The fact that she refuses to have an open discussion with you about the situation reinforces this.
> 
> ...


That's difficult to say. Her priorities may well change as she gets older or starts a family.....lots of people's do. It's one of the reasons that marrying young is risky.

But he can't know that so he has to decide if he's in right now.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why aren't you telling her how you honestly feel? She's been honest with you.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you keep on saying that you are young. How young is young for you? If you are that young, you can take greater risks. The real estate investment for your home in Los Angeles will rise in value in a faster rate than many cities in the U.S. I grew up & lived there when I was young. Los Angeles is only 45 minutes from Big Bear, a forested area with ski resorts. You have access to beaches & hiking trails as well. This is not a dismal desert as you picture.

When you are out in a conference you just don't get offers anywhere & everywhere. You have to actively seek out the prospective employers and have your resume ready for an initial interview. Your wife has done this, so she wanted to change jobs. In addition to that, second interviews are arranged in committees. Committee members are chosen carefully and have a say on the final decision in hiring.

I am a textile scientist and have a Ph.D. I am in a tenured position as a university professor, not in California but in another state. We serve as research contractors to some of the agencies that you've mentioned. I have served in search committees for major companies & government agencies. My parents moved out from California to Virginia (when they retired) & did very well on the equity of their former home. You need to research further on the pros & cons of your situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is going to be unpopular but I don't think she's selfish at all for taking the job.
> 
> If she really wants to work in space exploration the jobs are not that plentiful and she has to take the opportunity. You guys are young and have no kids so you may just be incompatible, and this is the time to figure that out.
> 
> ...


That's so sad. :frown2: They are married and made promises to each other. She isn't single any more so cant make decisions on her own. This is a massive decision that will affect both of them for the rest of their lives. I just dont get how any married person could be selfish enough to go ahead with what THEY want when spouse is so unhappy about it. Marriage is all about compromise and thinking of the other. She seems very immature and self centered.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*California is a step down, IMHO, because of the higher cost of living and its reduced “bang for the buck!”

I’d much rather start and maintain a family right where you’re situated already!*


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> *OP, you keep on saying that you are young. How young is young for you? If you are that young, you can take greater risks. The real estate investment for your home in Los Angeles will rise in value in a faster rate than many cities in the U.S. I grew up & lived there when I was young. Los Angeles is only 45 minutes from Big Bear, a forested area with ski resorts. You have access to beaches & hiking trails as well. This is not a dismal desert as you picture.*
> 
> When you are out in a conference you just don't get offers anywhere & everywhere. You have to actively seek out the prospective employers and have your resume ready for an initial interview. Your wife has done this, so she wanted to change jobs. In addition to that, second interviews are arranged in committees. Committee members are chosen carefully and have a say on the final decision in hiring.
> 
> I am a textile scientist and have a Ph.D. I am in a tenured position as a university professor, not in California but in another state. We serve as research contractors to some of the agencies that you've mentioned. I have served in search committees for major companies & government agencies. My parents moved out from California to Virginia (when they retired) & did very well on the equity of their former home. You need to research further on the pros & cons of your situation.


You should also bear in mind the possibility of losing the state income tax deduction that's in the current tax reform bill. I don't think I'd want to be moving to one of the highest tax states in the country if you're going to have to pay federal income tax on the money you paid to the state.


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## entropy4hunt (Nov 26, 2017)

Roselyn said:


> OP, you keep on saying that you are young. How young is young for you? If you are that young, you can take greater risks. The real estate investment for your home in Los Angeles will rise in value in a faster rate than many cities in the U.S. I grew up & lived there when I was young. Los Angeles is only 45 minutes from Big Bear, a forested area with ski resorts. You have access to beaches & hiking trails as well. This is not a dismal desert as you picture.
> 
> When you are out in a conference you just don't get offers anywhere & everywhere. You have to actively seek out the prospective employers and have your resume ready for an initial interview. Your wife has done this, so she wanted to change jobs. In addition to that, second interviews are arranged in committees. Committee members are chosen carefully and have a say on the final decision in hiring.
> 
> I am a textile scientist and have a Ph.D. I am in a tenured position as a university professor, not in California but in another state. We serve as research contractors to some of the agencies that you've mentioned. I have served in search committees for major companies & government agencies. My parents moved out from California to Virginia (when they retired) & did very well on the equity of their former home. You need to research further on the pros & cons of your situation.


We are in our late 20s, I am 3 years older than her. The problem here is that I have a good job, that I am going to have to quit and try to find a job in L.A. I am making the sacrifice for her. It is not all about money, but she also has a good job offer here, and she is actually taking a pay cut to go to JPL.

We probably wont be buying a house in the LA area, the market seems to be on a bubble there right now.

I did some research. I do backcountry skiing, I don't like resorts. There is not good backcountry skiing near LA. There is great hiking, and good fishing. I am big on bowhunting, and there is just no decent hunting near the area. I like living in a rural area, and so does she. I grew up in a big city so I know I will be able to handle somehow... but not forever.

We are making the move. She knows I am not happy about it, she knows I have to quit my job, she knows I am making a lot of sacrifices to move there with her and support her with her new job. The way I see it, it will be a new experience for both of us and even if we hate it, we will learn. We have no kids, and nothing to lose. This is one of the risks of marrying in your 20s, when you are just starting your career. Big things happen, specially in today's world. We took that risk, and now I have to sacrifice if I want to stay with her.

My biggest fear is about finding a job. I am pretty stressed about the situation. If I find a decent job I am sure it would be fine. I have mild Aspergers syndrome and the idea of such a big change is terrifying. Really terrifying.


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## entropy4hunt (Nov 26, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Gotta admit, it would hard for me to turn down a job offer from NASA. I wanna be launched into space too! lol
> 
> Also what EleGirl said:
> 
> ...


She just accepted. She waited until the last possible day to accept. Yeah I am afraid of job hunting, lots of opportunities, but also lots of competition.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

entropy4hunt said:


> We are in our late 20s, I am 3 years older than her. The problem here is that I have a good job, that I am going to have to quit and try to find a job in L.A. I am making the sacrifice for her. It is not all about money, but she also has a good job offer here, and she is actually taking a pay cut to go to JPL.
> 
> We probably wont be buying a house in the LA area, the market seems to be on a bubble there right now.
> 
> ...


Do not quit your job unless you have another one waiting in LA.You allready resent your wife,a few months or more without work and you will resent her a lot more and she will probably start to lose respect for you.How does she feel about being the main breadwinner while you look for work?
This following her dream is all very well but she should also follow the money.You are going to get lots of people telling you to just go with the flow but that is Bull****.I work with highly qualified people including a few PHD’s and they all agree that in this economy anyone who has a well paid job should never give it up without another one lined up.Even a few months break in your cv can make the difference between getting a job or not.
It is easier to find a job in your field if you are allready employed.
Harsh but true.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You like lakes?
Hell, you will have an ocean.
Get a sturdy boat, maybe a sailboat.

Look at it as an adventure.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And a job at Google is fine. Until they want you to move to Mountain View, or Dublin, or London, Manchester, Mumbai, or Sydney or wherever.

And the average stay in one location is not all that long for a Googler.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

entropy4hunt said:


> We are in our late 20s, I am 3 years older than her. The problem here is that I have a good job, that I am going to have to quit and try to find a job in L.A. I am making the sacrifice for her. It is not all about money, but she also has a good job offer here, and she is actually taking a pay cut to go to JPL.
> 
> We probably wont be buying a house in the LA area, the market seems to be on a bubble there right now.
> 
> ...


When does she start the new job?

Is the new job paying any relocation expenses for her? Will she go ahead on her own while you stay behind to finish out your current job?

If there was ever a time to pick up and move across the country, at your age right now is the best time to do it. It only gets harder as you get older, in my opinion. It's also probably the only time in her life where she would have the freedom to choose to take a job far away and for less pay. You don't have kids and I assume don't have a house to sell? 

If I were in your shoes, I'd be nervous but I'd give it a chance. This is one of those make it or break it moments of a marriage, where you'll either look back years from now and laugh together about how crazy it was or you'll be well on your way in a different life altogether. You can survive anything for one year, right? Give it a year and see where you are...you can always move back. 

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## entropy4hunt (Nov 26, 2017)

kag123 said:


> When does she start the new job?
> 
> Is the new job paying any relocation expenses for her? Will she go ahead on her own while you stay behind to finish out your current job?
> 
> ...


Nailed it. Yes, the job is paying all relocation expenses for both of us. They even recently offered help for me to look for a job. We are not moving until summer next year so I should have plenty of time to look around and get my resume at some places. No kids no house. That's how I saw it rationally and why I told her "take it". Rationally I think I get it, and I truly think the best choice for us is for her to go. I've been successful in my career, I've been invited to talk at conferences and I've published a few papers as well as patented 2 ideas, so rational tells me it is a no brainer and I should find a job. But emotionally I am pretty dumb, and I am just super scared and worried and don't know how to deal with the emotions. We've already had a few fights because I get mad about it and can't handle it. And it is understandable for her to fight with me about this, because I supported her with taking the job. When I started this thread I was really mad. But in the end I know it is the right choice, and I know I love her and it will work out no matter what. 



SunCMars said:


> You like lakes?
> Hell, you will have an ocean.
> Get a sturdy boat, maybe a sailboat.
> 
> ...


Thank you, that's how I am trying to think about it. Yes I already started the conversation of getting a boat. I grew up near the ocean so it is something I miss. And boats cost money, lots of money, and they bring happiness. Money does matter, I know it is kind of a sad reality. But it does matter. Money doesn't bring happiness, but if you use it wisely, it is a tool for happiness. 



Andy1001 said:


> Do not quit your job unless you have another one waiting in LA.You allready resent your wife,a few months or more without work and you will resent her a lot more and she will probably start to lose respect for you.How does she feel about being the main breadwinner while you look for work?
> This following her dream is all very well but she should also follow the money.You are going to get lots of people telling you to just go with the flow but that is Bull****.I work with highly qualified people including a few PHD’s and they all agree that in this economy anyone who has a well paid job should never give it up without another one lined up.Even a few months break in your cv can make the difference between getting a job or not.
> It is easier to find a job in your field if you are allready employed.
> Harsh but true.


She feels bad and is offering to help me as much as she can for me to get a job. I agree with you, I still think money matters, but if I get a job in my field we both will be well off. So it wont be the end of the world. I think it all resume to that, me getting a job, then things will be piece of cake. I'll put a lot of effort in the job hunt and make sure it happens, fingers crossed. Thanks.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Remember this.

That wife, that beauty is one so rare.
An accomplished person, with many deeds done
All this, and she is still a women if I may dare.

She has the mind, body and spirit in one package.
And this is so rare.

Let her soar, be the wind under her wings.
She is the women in your bedstead, under your frame.
She is the women that you kiss, caress, until she sings.

She, in this troubled world, is so rare.
Nourish her, let her not fare...
Fare badly, under thy care.


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