# New member and totally confused!



## Always working 123

New member! Hi all. Looking for some support, and maybe some help. 
My wife and a I have been married for 14 years. We have 2 boys, 13 & 14. I am 42, she is 34. First off, I love my wife as much as I could love anyone. She is the apple of my eye. She recently told me she no longer loves me, is not attracted to me, and is “done, just done”. I have had a really hard time with this. I am going to post more on this in another thread and maybe you all mite have be able to help.


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## jlg07

VERY sorry to hear this -- when you post, you will get a lot of folks that can help you through this.


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## MattMatt

Always working 123 said:


> New member! Hi all. Looking for some support, and maybe some help.
> My wife and a I have been married for 14 years. We have 2 boys, 13 & 14. I am 42, she is 34. First off, I love my wife as much as I could love anyone. She is the apple of my eye. She recently told me she no longer loves me, is not attracted to me, and is “done, just done”. I have had a really hard time with this. I am going to post more on this in another thread and maybe you all mite have be able to help.


Hi @Always working 123. How's it going?


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## Marc878

Go online and check your phone bill. I'd rule that out first.


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## arbitrator

*Sounds greatly like you've just heard the proverbial "ILYBINILWY!"

Time for a little sleuthing on your part!*


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## sokillme

She is probably cheating.


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## Mr.Married

Regardless if she is the apple of your eye or not, you can not change the way a person feels about you. Example: Look at someone you don't like ...... now make yourself like them. 

You can't make yourself like them ....... and even more so in a woman's case: You can not make her attracted to you. If the state of your marriage has come to this it is a really bad sign.

Here is a general rule of thumb: When a woman says "I'm done" .... she is done for good ..... she is finished ..... she has already made her escape plan ...probably been working on it for years.


If she is cheating: It may be possible ..... but if she is do you really want her back? Some women will break out of the brain fog and return to their husband. I couldn't do that myself but that is just me.
There are a few woman that indeed make all the right moves, come clean, do all the right work and recover from their affair in a proper manner .... they are the rare exception. Still ... for me I could not do it.
I have too much respect for myself.


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## Mr.Married

Always working 123 said:


> , I love my wife as much as I could love anyone. She is the apple of my eye. She recently told me she no longer loves me, is not attracted to me, and is “done, just done”. .


I wanted to add: Sorry you find yourself in this situation. 


A couple important things:

If she has stated this as a "I'm angry and blowing off steam because I have PMS" then that is one thing, BUT I get the feeling that we are talking about more than that. Hopefully I'm wrong.

If she truly meant what she said then there is something you very much need to understand: The relationship you had with your wife will not return. That is in the past. Do not try to bring
the past back.....also understand there is something about the past relationship that led you to where you are now.

Please do not beg and plead with your wife. That is a losing battle EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

One of the most important rules of life that most people never learn is: You can not change other people .... you can only change yourself.


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## Always working 123

G


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## MattMatt

Always working 123 said:


> G


Hello? Are you OK?


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## Numb26

Always working 123 said:


> New member! Hi all. Looking for some support, and maybe some help.
> My wife and a I have been married for 14 years. We have 2 boys, 13 & 14. I am 42, she is 34. First off, I love my wife as much as I could love anyone. She is the apple of my eye. She recently told me she no longer loves me, is not attracted to me, and is “done, just done”. I have had a really hard time with this. I am going to post more on this in another thread and maybe you all mite have be able to help.


Just from experience, it sounds like she may have someone else. It is time for.you to do some sleuthing and start to get you ducks in a row if it turns out she does. There are alot of good people here who can help you. Good luck


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## Tdbo

There is an old saying: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be."

With this in mind:

1. Do the 180 immediately.

2. Join a gym. Buy some new clothes. Take care of yourself. Belt in for the ride.

3. Do your due diligence (or hire it done): Go through her phone records, check house, her car, cellphone, financials, VAR's for car and for you during any discussions with her. Put a GPS on her car as well.

4. Lawyer up. Find "Shark" #1,2,and 3. Get appointment with them. Pick the best. At the minimum,explore your options. Better yet, have the paperwork drawn up.

5. Have her served, hopefully at work. Shock and awe all the way. Cold as dry ice.

If this doesn't start to draw her head out of her a##, nothing will. You can always slow the process or stop it if she shows true remorse or truly want to repair the marriage.

No matter what, if she wants to reconcile, IT IS INCUMBENT UPON HER TO DO THE LIFTING, REPAIR THE DAMAGE AND MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE IN THE MARRIAGE.


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## SunCMars

This IS a holiday weekend. 

AW123 could be busy, and may be back on Sunday night or sometimes next 'weep'.

Yes, some two-poster threads tilt down at one end....with the OP's sliding/signing off, to gone!

Keep in mind, it takes some nerve to post about a bed of nails, with strangers mingling all about in his bedroom, and remarking on the sharp points.

Then again, he may have lost his nerve. 

The bed of nails did him in. He is deflated!

Maybe, his wife walked into the room while he was typing and asked "What the bleep are ya' doin?"


It happens.

..............................................................................................

The "G" he posted could have been a test, merely to see how the blog works.

Or, his "G" was short for:

"Gee!"

"Gee whiz, I have been had! "
This,after reading the few initial responses.


TT I-


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## SunCMars

All of us had of our turkey dinner.

AW123 now feels the turkey in his marriage.

Only, his meat feels left out in the cold.

Our fears are with the wife's half-baked remarks.

Her menu instructions are well know, and are written in stone on TAM.

She may be ready to flee the coop.
She may have strayed, or not.

Either way, she is over/done, and her excuses are well planned and pre-cooked.

-DELETED-


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## Always working 123

Hi guys! I’m still here. Thank you all for posting. Yes the “G” post what by accident, I didn’t care to worry about deleting.

On to the problems,
I’m sure all of you have read my first post. Nothing has much changed. We lawyered up. She has now agreed to “work” on the marriage but I kinda have doubts. We’re going to couples Counciling but again, I ain’t holding my breath. She told her story, and I told mine. It’s probably the usual story posted here many times. She says I’m a controlling sex crazed narcissist who doesnt care about what she wants. I pretty much said the same thing about her, except the councilor said she was a narcissist and I wasn’t. I scheduled a trip to a physiatrist. I wanna get that diagnosis on paper. 
There is more but I can’t talk about it rite now. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marduk

Always working 123 said:


> Hi guys! I’m still here. Thank you all for posting. Yes the “G” post what by accident, I didn’t care to worry about deleting.
> 
> On to the problems,
> I’m sure all of you have read my first post. Nothing has much changed. We lawyered up. She has now agreed to “work” on the marriage but I kinda have doubts. We’re going to couples Counciling but again, I ain’t holding my breath. She told her story, and I told mine. It’s probably the usual story posted here many times. She says I’m a controlling sex crazed narcissist who doesnt care about what she wants. I pretty much said the same thing about her, except the councilor said she was a narcissist and I wasn’t. I scheduled a trip to a physiatrist. I wanna get that diagnosis on paper.
> There is more but I can’t talk about it rite now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If that’s true, then it’s probably best just to divorce.


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## .339971

It won't be easy, but if she wants out, let her out. Sometimes you have to put yourself first for a change. But in the event if you reconcile, the marriage won't ever be what it was before. She has to be as equally willing as you are.


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## Casual Observer

Always working 123 said:


> Hi guys! I’m still here. Thank you all for posting. Yes the “G” post what by accident, I didn’t care to worry about deleting.
> 
> On to the problems,
> I’m sure all of you have read my first post. Nothing has much changed. We lawyered up. She has now agreed to “work” on the marriage but I kinda have doubts. We’re going to couples Counciling but again, I ain’t holding my breath. She told her story, and I told mine. It’s probably the usual story posted here many times. She says I’m a controlling sex crazed narcissist who doesnt care about what she wants. I pretty much said the same thing about her, except the councilor said she was a narcissist and I wasn’t. I scheduled a trip to a physiatrist. I wanna get that diagnosis on paper.
> There is more but I can’t talk about it rite now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Your initial post was almost a month ago; in that amount of time I'd think you would have gotten a handle on whether she might be seeing someone else? Neither the psychiatrist nor MC are going to suggest you get to the real truth, but TAM certainly will. If you haven't gotten a voice activated recorder yet, do so, quickly, and get one planted in her car. And if she spends time at home when you're not around, that, too. I think it's important that you have as much clarity as possible about the situation.

Besides, from a practical standpoint, the MC is better off if not blind to what's actually going on. But the biggest issue here is that you really shouldn't be making any decisions about divorce or especially reconciliation if you don't have all the facts.


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## Hiner112

I'm a little jaded since I'm currently working on divorce paperwork after hearing this a little over a year ago so you might take this with a grain of salt.

Sometimes when someone backs away from being "done" and say that they want to "work on the marriage" that is code for the relationship with the Affair Partner (AP) not working out. It could mean that they need a bit of time to save up deposit and first month's rent (and buy furniture). It could mean that they are worried about moving out on their own. It could mean that they've consulted an attorney and they aren't entitled to as much assets or alimony as they thought so they are settling on the marriage for now. It rarely actually means that their feelings have changed and you are their first choice. Don't undo any preparations you might have started.


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