# Facebook Issues



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi everyone, 

I think I have commented on a thread here and there about this but its a real issue for me so creating another one and promise to follow this one. Lol

I am a huge facebooker and post pics of my family all of the time. I speak about my husband and daughter. My privacy settings are pretty high because I don't like random people in my life but we have a ton of family and friends to keep up with. My husband had his OW as a friend on FB the entire time they were together. Unknowingly, we would both comment on some of his posts. Now after the affair ended, they are no longer FB friends. 

My problem is this, he hardly ever posts public profile pics of me and our daughter. He has in the past put up a picture of my daughter and him but I can only recall one time he put up a picture of just me and him (over five years ago). He has photo albums of us but I'm talking about a public profile pic that anyone should be able to see and not just our friends. He has put up three family pictures in four years (none of just me and him, always with our daughter) for a few weeks at a time. In the past year, only one of our family he had up for about two or three weeks. All of his profile pics are of himself. Even his cover photos are of himself or people other than me.

I am upset about this. Granted he does make status updates about our daughter, and I make sure I comment on those. (haven't seen a public post about only me in a long time) His public marital status is not evident so unless you are a friend, you don't know if he is. 

Is this an important part in R? Am I making too big of a deal about this? We both communicate on FB frequently so it's not like he isn't on much. He's on everyday, a few times a day. He has deactivated his account twice because of this but when he gets back online, its the same thing.

I feel like he is still promoting himself like a single man on his page. I always have me and him as my profile pic, always. I want everyone to know he is my husband, why won't he do the same? If I make him deactivate again, then does that really solve my true problem?

Sorry if I am repeating myself, I really need some outside help on this topic. Thanks in advance.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I can't speak for your husband, but I, and most men I know, don't post pictures of us and our spouse/ family in or profile pics. I know for me it was about privacy and I would not want someone getting their pics and using them inappropriately (think capturing them off of a screen capturing and using them for improprieties. Since my W's A, we have both closed our FB accounts, as they seem to cause more issues than they are worth for us. I also never used a picture of myself either (same reason as I stated previously).

I guess is it a matter of personal preference, but would you want him to do the same for a linked-in account he may have? I think there is nothing wrong with not having multiple people, objects, items in a profile pic but that is just my opinion.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I wish that were the case. He doesn't do it to protect us. If that was the case, we wouldn't be on FB at all.


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## Air Texas (May 30, 2013)

Facebook is the devil. Ever notice how often it comes up on CWI?


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

LOL! It sure does come up a lot, Air Texas.

Any advice you could give me? I am really worrying about this. Guess this comes with the toll of being a BS.


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## Air Texas (May 30, 2013)

I'm not a Facebook guy, but it seems a reasonable request to have each other listed as husband and wife - you can do that, right? Also seems totally appropriate to give him your password and ask for his. If he refuses and acts funny about it then you might have issues. I don't know enough about Facebook (by design) to help. Good luck!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I would deactivate both your accounts. Being a " huge" Facebook user probably takes up a lot of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Air Texas said:


> I'm not a Facebook guy, but it seems a reasonable request to have each other listed as husband and wife - you can do that, right? Also seems totally appropriate to give him your password and ask for his. If he refuses and acts funny about it then you might have issues. I don't know enough about Facebook (by design) to help. Good luck!



It was never said anything that you are suggesting be done has not been done. 

The OP is saying that the status is not easily discernible (it can be a hidden from public item, and could be done for various reasons) to the average user and that his profile picture is not of him and her together. I am not saying one way or another, but don't think it should matter and from what I have seen it will not stop inappropriate behavior that either of these requests are adhered to. This seems like a battle that is better not fought, as it will never be "won". I would suggest that maybe you lose FB altogether, but that is to each his own and my own opinion.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Asia, i would feel uncomfortable too. Yes, he should add you as his wife, and you add him as your husband. That way it is *crystal clear* and there is no confusion. My husband does acknowledge me as his wife on FC, but does not have profile photos of me and never mentions me anywhere else on the internet as his wife (various forums) - he only mentions the kids and being a father, but never a wife and being a husband. <eye roll> These guys .. they are not trustworthy. Sorry, they just are not, imo.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

asia said:


> All of his profile pics are of himself. Even his cover photos are of himself or people other than me.


I don't know your background story, but based on this post alone, I can only say what I would do if I was in your position. If it was me I would post just my picture on my profile and un-friend my spouse. Period.

Do that and wait.

T


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

janefw said:


> Asia, i would feel uncomfortable too. Yes, he should add you as his wife, and you add him as your husband. That way it is *crystal clear* and there is no confusion. My husband does acknowledge me as his wife on FC, but does not have profile photos of me and never mentions me anywhere else on the internet as his wife (various forums) - he only mentions the kids and being a father, but never a wife and being a husband. <eye roll> These guys .. they are not trustworthy. Sorry, they just are not, imo.


I would say that this applies to both sexes, once again not just the men. My wife had me as a FB friend and her status as married, but we weren't linked and I can tell you that even that wouldn't have stopped her having her A start through FB, as her AP had his wife and all the other things on FB and AP and WW still did it with little concern for anyone (the FB niceties stopped nothing).


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

It is definitely not a 'guy thing' !!!!!

My STBX is not on FB at all. Not even Linkedin. In fact, he only uses the internet for emails, travel bookings and maybe to catch up with sports news.

On the other hand, I can be considered a medium-heavy user of the information superhighway ... Regular on FB but have a friends list of less than 40. Even long before my world came crashing down and when I really believed we were all hunky dory, I had never posted any photo of me and him, or my H on his own, on my profile. Usually it is that of our son. Otherwise, a football (read:soccer!!) emblem !!!

Should STBX be suspicious of me ?? Well, he wouldn't have been bothered as he had no interest at all in FB. But then, my omission didn't mean anything sinister either.

Don't think you should read too much into it, JMO.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Are you saying he hides his married status from everyone, or only friends can see it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

My husband is a constant Fb person, so am I. We always chat on each other status, links, stuff like that. He cheated and had his mistress on his page doing the same things we do on each others. Its over with them but I feel like we should be a united family online as well. My pictures are of us, why not his? Why is it he can post new profile pictures of himself but not with me? When we do new things, I put up our pictures together so anyone who sees me knows I am a married woman. 

I just feel like he should post pics of me and him, in light of his tendency to cheat. I get great comments on our pics on my page. It just seems like he would "want" to have me upfront for any and all to see his wife. If he can post one of the three of us, why not me and him? We took family photos and not once did he post him and me on his profile. Ugh!


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Are you saying he hides his married status from everyone, or only friends can see it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah only a friend of his can see his status. To the general public, it is not stated. He also has it blocked on certain lists of friends on FB along with our family pictures. Just his professional ones. I don't really have a problem with that but his marital status should be seen by everyone.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I don't have my marital status as public because I have everything as only friends. I wouldn't worry about that as much as the profile picture. If you are in R, make that one of the terms. Doesn't seem hard to abide by if he has good intentions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Naaaaah, I don't even include my marital status in my profile ... A big bonus cos I would have been compelled to change it in the very near future 

On a trivial front ... Heard of this joke ?? Why is it that when couples argue, they don't think twice about changing their FB status from married / in a relationship to single ... Does it mean if I had an argument with my parents, I should change my FB status to "Orphan" ???


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Well if married people genuinely are changing their FB status whenever they quarrel, that's very sad - and something I have never seen, ever, in the 4-5 years I have had my FB account, and I have many married couples on my FB. Anyone who does that is extremely stupid and immature. The only one I can think of who has done that is my eldest son's gf, who can be that immature and stupid. She once changed her status from "in a relationship" to "single" and posted a whole bunch of crap about him, and I unfriended her right there and then. That's only ONE person in all that time.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Overthemoon88 said:


> Naaaaah, I don't even include my marital status in my profile ... A big bonus cos I would have been compelled to change it in the very near future
> 
> On a trivial front ... Heard of this joke ?? Why is it that when couples argue, they don't think twice about changing their FB status from married / in a relationship to single ... Does it mean if I had an argument with my parents, I should change my FB status to "Orphan" ???


Hahahahaha!!


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

My primary issue is the public profile picture. Am I making too much out of that?


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

No you are not. I use FB, my husband does not. If he said to me I would like your profile pic to be of the two of us, I would change it to that in a heartbeat. Why would I not do that if I knew it was important to him? This is a picture on a social network. Tell him what you want him to do and that it is important to you. If he has an issue with it, that's a problem.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

asia said:


> My primary issue is the public profile picture. Am I making too much out of that?


Have you asked him about it? IF it means so much to you, maybe you should ask him why he is against it (or if he is against it)?

I think it is nothing and generally don't want any of my accounts showing any of my pics, but I have never been a picture person anyway and hate the fact that they can be captured and used elsewhere. As far as I am concerned, when I see two people in a profile picture, I don't think automatically that they are married, so I don't know that it will give that impression (and when I do see such a thing, I generally see it on a woman's FB and not a man's FB).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have a Facebook account. I never put photos of my wife on it. She would not like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It depends on how integral FB was with his affair, OW and 'trolling'. 

My wife used FB chat to Cyber with a couple of different guys. I was woefully absent from her page. As a condition of our reconciliation, she had to have me listed as her spouse, her status as married and at least 50% her profile pic has to be us as a couple. And she had to disable the chat feature. It is never to be turned on again. Period. Ever. Sure, it's easy enough to turn on and off. But if I catch her doing that, or see her 'on line'. Bye bye.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I wouldn't make a big deal about the privacy of the relationship status.

What is more telling is that he never posts pictures of you. I noticed that about my ex. It was always herself or the kids, but never ME and her or the kids. Why was that I wonder.....


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

FB had alot to do with my STBXH's As. Prior to D-day, his status was not public displayed, he posted no pictures of me, and indicated in his interests that he was interested in men & women. I (stupidly) never paid attention to all that. Guess what, when random people don't obviously know you are married, they often assume you are not, or else why not share that, too. Now that we are split, his "in a relationship" status is public (no link to her). I don't know if posting public pictures would have done anything, but after the fact I think it might have. 
You should discuss this with him. Tell him it matters to you, because I guarantee he is not reading your mind and if you are in R it would be best to resolve this before any resentment builds.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Asia,

I think for me it would come down to asking for what you wanted,
and if there was some issue there as to why he does not want to do this, then there is your real issue.

As much as he "should know" to do the things that make you feel better. And (trust me I know how that feels) 
I think the proof is in the pudding so to speak esp with things like FB where we are all learning new "social norms" every body knows
that a married man should not take off his ring and flirt, but we are having to establish new boundaries for new technology. 

What I have found out in my own experience is you can waste a lot of time, forever in fact and suffer a whole lot wanting someone to do something that they "should know to do" 

I think it's far better for your sanity to just know what you want, then look deep down and realize exactly why you want it (you have to know this so you will be strong in your beliefs and to know that there are not unhealthy motives on your end) then stand up for what you want and why you want it.

And know that if there is a issue as to why someone does not like your boundaries, then you need to work through it aka MC.
Because something small now might become a much bigger issue latter on your end or your partners or both.

Sure there are small issues and some battles are not worth fighting but only you can know what those are.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

FB is how he maintained contact with all of the OW he has ever had. He is talking about removing his account because it causes too many problems. I said your cheating caused the problems, not social media. I really enjoy using it and we use it heavily in our relationship, its fun for us. But if I am never on his public profile, then I am upset over it. If you take 12 months out of the year, I may be on their once with our daughter, NEVER with just me and him. On my public profile pictures of me and him are the only ones I display 90% of the time. 

It looks so bad. I can only guess what other people think when they never see me. But in all other areas of R, he is doing well. I don't want to thwart our R.


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## tiamaria02 (Jun 18, 2013)

Take photos together and tag the crap out of them w/ his name? Maybe other people will clue in? I'm kind of a sh** disturber though. I can admit my faults.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

I am a WS and had a 4 month A that was primarily online. FB figured in the online communication mix. I maintained my FB page after DDay but basically turned control over it to my wife and rarely went back on since (over 4 years now). During that time she put pictures of our dogs up as my profile pic. I've only just started to do more on FB (mostly just posting pics of the kids when we are out doing things and saying Happy Birthday to old friends) and switched the profile pic to one of me and my wife. It's funny that our dynamic on FB is almost tghe exact opposite of yours: I'm not in any of the pics on her page and she very rarely mentions me in any of her posts, mine is almost solely about her and the kids.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Good lord !! FB is out of control. It's ruling everyones lives. 

My exwife used FB to reconnect with old school friends and ultimately with her AP. It's an avenue that's too easy to use for the weak. I used to be on FB and thought it was fun catching up. Now? Haven't been on it in a year. Haven't missed it one bit. If I have people I need to contact, I do it. I don't use FB.

Just get off the damn site or have a joint account.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

A joint account sounds like a good idea...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I second the joint account notion. Also, what would thwart your R is if you aren't honest about your needs and how to help you feel secure again. You can sweep it under the rug but it will still be there, festering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

asia said:


> FB is how he maintained contact with all of the OW he has ever had. He is talking about removing his account because it causes too many problems. I said your cheating caused the problems, not social media. I really enjoy using it and we use it heavily in our relationship, its fun for us. But if I am never on his public profile, then I am upset over it. If you take 12 months out of the year, I may be on their once with our daughter, NEVER with just me and him. On my public profile pictures of me and him are the only ones I display 90% of the time.
> 
> It looks so bad. I can only guess what other people think when they never see me. But in all other areas of R, he is doing well. I don't want to thwart our R.


You need to seriously take the advice given on here and sit down and talk to him. I don't personally think it is a big deal (but hey that is me and I am the BS and my WS used her FB to maintain her contact, and putting my pics on there wouldn't have stopped her in the least I know that for a fact). I wouldn't worry about what others think, and most will not even know of your situation or judge even if they did.

You need to focus on your marriage and if this bothers you so much make it known to him. Until you do, it is just rehashing out your concerns here and not approaching them which would be the best.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

why are you with this guy Asia...still.
get your peace of mind back...divorce him .
set yourself and your daughter free.I have been reading your posts for about many months now ,here and there.......


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