# Wife shows zero interest towards me



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I'm 35 and my wife is 34, we have two children (5&7) and have been married since 2005 but together since 1998.
I run my own business and my wife has a stressful job in finance.

Over the last 4-5 years I've noticed a gradual decline in her showing any interest towards me. She leaves the house at 8am and gets home at 6pm most nights and i know her work is stressful but i'm stick of it being used as an excuse in our relationship.
I'll start first with affection as we are husband and wife, not house sharers which is what it feels like. She will never show me any affection with a hug or kiss. She will not initiate sex. She will not have sex sober. Our sex life if you can call it that happens at 2am maybe 1/2 month on a weekend if there's alcohol in involved. I cannot see how we can have a happy marriage when my wife will not have sex without 10 vodkas down her or a bottle of wine.

Outside the bedroom, i take care of the kids, i pay her compliments, i pay for a cleaner out of my business to help with house chores. I listen to her when she talks, i ask her how her day was. I get absolutely nothing in return.
The one thing i can't do at the moment is earn enough for her to quit her job unfortunately and we can't afford for her not to work.

If ever mention anything about our relationship, i get the response "ahhh poor you, it's all about you". And i get it thrown in my face how much her job takes it out of her.

My job is very stressful but it doesn't mean i come home from work like a red rag to a bull. I even stay downstairs now watching TV whilst she's upstairs on her phone in bed most nights. I wait for her to go to sleep because the fact that she'll just turn over and go to sleep night after night makes me feel sick inside. 

I love my wife but i can't live like this. There's always going to be stresses in life. I just feel like it's all one sided all the time.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

2 kids and a stressful job can be quite a downer on the libido.

But this sounds like there is more. Maybe there is someone else she is interested in? At work perhaps.

Seems she is not prepared to talk about it and just deflects your question into blame.

The alcohol is not on at all - hookers can do this - get tanked up on booze before they start their shift - it's the only way some of them can get through it.

Doesnt sound good. Have you asked her why she needs a skinful of alcohol before sex?


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I've got no idea if there is someone else and if there was it would have to be someone at work because she's doesn't go many other places.
The alcohol thing regarding sex has been there for a while, says she needs it to relax. 
We were recently on holiday and no problems there but again we were drinking every day.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Do you two go out on dates, without the kids?


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> I wait (to go to bed) for her to go to sleep because the fact that she'll just turn over and go to sleep night after night makes me feel sick inside.


My wife knows she only has to do one teeny tiny little thing to show me she gives a SRED of a crap about me: Just NOT do that. Just once or twice a week. She refuses.

You have 2 choices:


Do the 180 and live your life this way for the rest of your life. It was my choice. I'm still here. She's still here. I do my own thing. She does nothing. I literally think my depression is killing me. Slowly.
GTFO and see what love feels like again.

Good luck. They rarely come back after they leave like this.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Yes we do go on dates and try and go out at least once a month on our own. Usually for a meal and a drink.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

1. She may be cheating 
or
2. She's extremely stressed out and is having a really bad time coping. 

I'm leaning towards #2 for 2 main reasons:

- She's making an attempt to have sex with you: I think you know her explanation for the alcohol is bs. She's using the alcohol because for whatever reason, she can't enjoy sex with you when she's sober. I've done this with an ex because I had lost all sexual attraction towards him and it was the only way I could enjoy being sexual without faking it. She may be doing this because she really just needs a release or because she knows you have a strong need and still wants to satisfy you. 

- Her comments about things being all about you: that suggests to me that she's struggling and wants some of the focus to be on helping her cope and feel better. Instead of being consoled, she's getting complaints from you.

I think her turning away from you in bed is a passive aggressive way of telling you she's upset with you. If I were in your shoes, I would first eliminate the possibility of an affair with a little snooping, then try a compassionate approach. And definitely stop having sex with her when she drinks. That will cause more harm than good in the long run. She needs to know that's not acceptable to you and you're not so desperate for sex that you're willing to do it with her when she's semi-drunk. It may piss her off temporarily but she'll respect you a lot more ( she'll never admit this).


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> 1. She may be cheating
> or
> 2. She's extremely stressed out and is having a really bad time coping.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I stopped trying to initiate sober sex a while ago now as i was sick of the rejection. I know 100% that i don't initiate sex when she's had a drink we won't have sex at all. Maybe i do need to that to force out the underlying issues. She did tell me a few months back she's just not touchy feely type of person. She'll quite happily kiss our two kids goodbye on the way out to work and then just walk past with a see you later comment to me.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

This sounds exactly how the problems in my marriage started. My wife was always stressed from work and never wanted to talk about it. She was only ever in the mood for sex when she was drunk and even then would never initiate anything. And any time I brought up anything having to do with my feelings about our relationship, I was accused of playing the victim. It led to both of us disconnecting from each other and basically becoming roommates who barely talked or interacted with each other, and it sucked.

Long story short it led me to find myself in an online EA with another woman, she found out about it and I ended it. Then I found out about her texting all day everyday with another man, I confronted her about it and it stopped. Then I found her texting with a different man more recently and confronted her again. I have investigated all of this up and down and haven't found anything that points to anything more than just texting, but there have still been oddities in her behavior at times that just don't make any sense. Like she tells me one thing and I find out something totally different about what she said. The odd part is that the difference in the story that I find out is completely innocent but I don't understand why she would lie to me about it.

Either way, try to gain access to your wife's phone without her knowing. Look at her texts, look for apps like Whatsapp, Viber and other third party messaging apps, that's what my wife was using. Look for inconsistencies in her stories and try to find out more about those through texts with her friends. Look at the usage logs for her cell phone and see if there has been an increase in data usage or a number that shows up a lot on her text log. The big thing here is no matter what you see or find, DO NOT confront her until you have a collection of rock solid proof that something's going on. I made the mistake of freaking out and confronting too soon without solid proof of something going on and it caused her to withdraw even more.

In the mean time while you are keeping a watchfull eye on things, start doing more and taking care of yourself and stop worry about her and her needs. Concentrate on you and your children, do things with them, on your own, and with your friends and don't include her. Limit your communication and interaction with her to only essential home and family matters. And the biggest things, do not let her see that you're unhappy with her or your situation, and do not give her any reason to suspect you're monitoring her. Brush off confrontational things she may say to you, ignore them and change the topic if you have to. Just don't get involved in any arguments about anything, let her see that you're happy with your life and that her negative attitude isn't going to bring you down at all.

I did this with my wife and things have started to change in a positive way. My marriage is far from happy but it is on the right track. Our conversation and interaction together has improved greatly, we haven't argued about anything in over a month, and I'm starting to see affection from her again. It's not easy at all, but it has worked for me. And worst case is you do end up splitting, but at least you have worked on yourself, learned from everything and have become a better person for the next time around.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I stopped trying to initiate sober sex a while ago now as i was sick of the rejection. I know 100% that i don't initiate sex when she's had a drink we won't have sex at all. Maybe i do need to that to force out the underlying issues. She did tell me a few months back she's just not touchy feely type of person. She'll quite happily kiss our two kids goodbye on the way out to work and then just walk past with a see you later comment to me.


Roommates it appears you two have become. The getting drunk to have sex would concern me. That is just odd and appears to me to be someone who is not in love with the other.

Lay it out on the table concerning feeling rejected, roommates and simply unappreciated. If you W chooses to remain the same perhaps it is time to cut and run.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I stopped trying to initiate sober sex a while ago now as i was sick of the rejection. I know 100% that i don't initiate sex when she's had a drink we won't have sex at all. Maybe i do need to that to force out the underlying issues. She did tell me a few months back she's just not touchy feely type of person. She'll quite happily kiss our two kids goodbye on the way out to work and then just walk past with a see you later comment to me.


It's simple: Your wife doesn't love you. IF she's not involved with another man, she will eventually.

My advice: You should do the 180 and detach, or go to marriage counseling and a sex therapist and try to salvage the marriage. Your wife is obviously not in love with you.
Has to be drunk to have sex with her husband? C'mon now, you know that's not right.

Good news: You can get a divorce and find someone that will love you and crave sex with you. She is not the only fish. She is one of many. You can get over this.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

BIL310 said:


> Outside the bedroom, *i take care of the kids, i pay her compliments, i pay for a cleaner out of my business to help with house chores.* I listen to her when she talks, i ask her how her day was. I get absolutely nothing in return.
> The one thing i can't do at the moment is earn enough for her to quit her job unfortunately and we can't afford for her not to work.


Do you know what her top 5 needs are based on His Needs Her Needs? You may think that you're communicating love by doing the bolded above and I see a lot of men come on saying this very thing but to a woman, it does not really work that way. That's simply you taking responsibility for your share of the domestic work.

If she gets the sense that you're assuming she should be grateful or you're expecting something in return by helping out with domestic duties, it will only add to her negative feelings towards you.

She needs more than that. A massage, a warm bath waiting, a special dinner for her prepared by you and the kids, a spa treatment etc...

Affection/physical touch is my top need and my partner knows this. When I'm stressed out or pissed off with him he'll amp up the touching by holding my hands while we're driving, giving me a foot/body massage, showering with me and scrubbing me down, he'll wake up early to cuddle with me, make me lie on him to watch movie/documentary, put me to sit on him and feed me... He'll think of any excuse for physical contact. It always works and really softens me up to him so we can have a calm conversation (in the event that I was pissed with him).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

People definitely handle stress differently, so I'd be careful about assuming that she should react to it like you.

Does she like her job? A stressful job you like is very different from one you hate.

This week is very stressful for me but I like my job. If I hated it I'd be miserable to live with.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> It's simple: Your wife doesn't love you. IF she's not involved with another man, she will eventually.
> 
> My advice: You should do the 180 and detach, or go to marriage counseling and a sex therapist and try to salvage the marriage. Your wife is obviously not in love with you.
> Has to be drunk to have sex with her husband? C'mon now, you know that's not right.
> ...


She doesn't have to be drunk to have sex. She does however need a drink it could be a couple of glasses of wine, the bottle. It varies depending on the occasion. I do know however that's it not normal although having a look around online it's not as uncommon as i thought.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> If she gets the sense that you're assuming she should be grateful or you're expecting something in return by helping out with domestic duties, it will only add to her negative feelings towards you.


A simple, "Thank you for doing that or I appreciate all you do." every now and then does not take but a moment of ones time and goes a long way. Consistent doing with zero affirmation of appreciation gets people in a funk like the OP is currently. It appears he expects nothing but a bit of appreciation. Appreciation costs nothing. 

My W and I will say we appreciate all that we do for the family and each other. Saying so makes us want to do more. 

Just what negative feelings is the W having?


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> People definitely handle stress differently, so I'd be careful about assuming that she should react to it like you.
> 
> Does she like her job? A stressful job you like is very different from one you hate.
> 
> This week is very stressful for me but I like my job. If I hated it I'd be miserable to live with.



She hates her job. She's handed her notice in and she's leaving in 2 weeks. The fact she's not got a job lined up is stressing her even more. 
So we've now gone from stressing about the job he hated to stressing about a job she doesn't have. 
If this was just an overnight thing i'd put it down the fact she's looking for a new job but its been going on for years. I think she's just using it as an excuse myself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BIL310 said:


> She doesn't have to be drunk to have sex. She does however need a drink it could be a couple of glasses of wine, the bottle. It varies depending on the occasion. I do know however that's it not normal although having a look around online it's not as uncommon as i thought.


Have you considered that your wife could be a functioning alcoholic?

It's not that uncommon..... I'm in a related field and I see it regularly.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> People definitely handle stress differently, so I'd be careful about assuming that she should react to it like you.
> 
> Does she like her job? A stressful job you like is very different from one you hate.
> 
> This week is very stressful for me but I like my job. If I hated it I'd be miserable to live with.


Well here is the thing....are individuals supposed to continue on a stressful job, be miserable at home and dump the misery on others in the home? I tried that for years. It does not work for anyone. 

It is not fair to my W to dump my miserable day on my her. The job stays at the job. Home life stays at home.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> A simple, "Thank you for doing that or I appreciate all you do." every now and then does not take but a moment of ones time and goes a long way. Consistent doing with zero affirmation of appreciation gets people in a funk like the OP is currently. It appears he expects nothing but a bit of appreciation. Appreciation costs nothing.
> 
> My W and I will say we appreciate all that we do for the family and each other. Saying so makes us want to do more.
> 
> Just what negative feelings is the W having?


thank you. It's not just about non sober sex, it's the fact that i get absolutely zilch in return. Not even a simple hope you've had a nice day. I'll often text her in the day saying this to her. She'll ring me everyday on the way home from work and moan about it. No questions or anything about how my day's been. I know for a fact she resents it that i can work from home.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Have you considered that your wife could be a functioning alcoholic?
> 
> It's not that uncommon..... I'm in a related field and I see it regularly.


No. She only drinks maybe once a week. She has to drive 40 mins each way to work every day so drinking is limited to usually a Friday or Saturday night.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> She hates her job. She's handed her notice in and she's leaving in 2 weeks. The fact she's not got a job lined up is stressing her even more.
> So we've now gone from stressing about the job he hated to stressing about a job she doesn't have.
> If this was just an overnight thing i'd put it down the fact she's looking for a new job but its been going on for years. I think she's just using it as an excuse myself.


Ok, it does appear your W job sucks and causing stress. Perhaps this job has caused stress for many years. If so, I can understand where your W is coming from. I would bring that crap home and it did affect my marriage. My W commented that I'm only happy and have lots of sex when we are on vacation. ALL TRUE!!! I was let go from that job and it was the best thing that happened me and our marriage.

I do not see your W using it as in excuse. If the job really sucks then yes it will affect home life.

Being in that same position as your W the one best thing I could have heard from my W when I was let go from the stressful job without a new job lined up was, "I support and appreciate you for putting up with that crap job to keep us going. We will be fine. Let me know if I can help in your job search." That put wind in my sails and I felt supported(not a loser for losing my crappy job).


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Ok, it does appear your W job sucks and causing stress. Perhaps this job has caused stress for many years. If so, I can understand where your W is coming from. I would bring that crap home and it did affect my marriage. My W commented that I'm only happy and have lots of sex when we are on vacation. ALL TRUE!!! I was let go from that job and it was the best thing that happened me and our marriage.
> 
> I do not see your W using it as in excuse. If the job really sucks then yes it will affect home life.
> 
> Being in that same position as your W the one best thing I could have heard from my W when I was let go from the stressful job without a new job lined up was, "I support and appreciate you for putting up with that crap job to keep us going. We will be fine. Let me know if I can help in your job search." That put wind in my sails and I felt supported(not a loser for losing my crappy job).


Yes her job has caused a lot of stress and issues i admit that. It's also highly paid. The fact that we've lived a lifestyle with that income and have loans still outstanding means that she'll probably have to find a similiar paid job. The issue now is that most of the jobs that are coming up are 1 hour away from home. The idea of her quitting her job was because of the stress, now it looks as though she may have to leave the house at 6am if the gets one of the jobs shes applied for. I must also admit i feel like a failure for not being able to provide for both of us. Finding an extra £85,000 a year out of my business is not possible at the moment.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> I'm 35 and my wife is 34, we have two children (5&7) and have been married since 2005 but together since 1998.
> I run my own business and my wife has a stressful job in finance.
> 
> Over the last 4-5 years I've noticed a gradual decline in her showing any interest towards me. She leaves the house at 8am and gets home at 6pm most nights and i know her work is stressful but i'm stick of it being used as an excuse in our relationship.
> ...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@BIL310

Could she be depressed? Does she have any interests or hobbies?


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> @BIL310
> 
> Could she be depressed? Does she have any interests or hobbies?


I know she was unhappy with her body and stretch marks after our second child was born. She did put some weight on which was getting her down but the last month or she's started going to a personal trainer twice a week after work which she seems to enjoy.

She doesn't really have any interests or hobbies, she has girls nights out with friends but no more or less than most people her age.
She can be very highly strung. I can visibly see the work dread face and sighs appearing at around 9pm on a Sunday night. Apart from when we're on holiday and she's completely different - relaxed etc.

In the real world however we have to endure the daily stresses of life and unfortunately it looks as though i'm the sacrificial lamb to the cause. Kids, first, then work, everything else, then me. In that order.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> Over the last 4-5 years I've noticed a gradual decline in her showing any interest towards me. She leaves the house at 8am and gets home at 6pm most nights and i know her work is stressful but i'm stick of it being used as an excuse in our relationship.
> I'll start first with affection as we are husband and wife, not house sharers which is what it feels like. She will never show me any affection with a hug or kiss. She will not initiate sex. She will not have sex sober. Our sex life if you can call it that happens at 2am maybe 1/2 month on a weekend if there's alcohol in involved. I cannot see how we can have a happy marriage when my wife will not have sex without 10 vodkas down her or a bottle of wine.


Sounds similar to my situation. People often do things, I've noticed, to get away from something else. My wife's career is more important than I am ... okay, I get that. Where it get ridiculous is where she eats gummy bears and reads mystery novels on the couch night after night for an entire year (true story). Now you're probably looking at mental illness ... or not. Seems like the message she is sending you there is that your feelings don't matter--_but they do_. But that's my own background talking. I just don't have enough info here to say anything intelligent.



> Outside the bedroom, i take care of the kids, i pay her compliments, i pay for a cleaner out of my business to help with house chores. I listen to her when she talks, i ask her how her day was. I get absolutely nothing in return.
> The one thing i can't do at the moment is earn enough for her to quit her job unfortunately and we can't afford for her not to work.


Yea, yea, yea, sure you do. (KIDDING!) Look, I'm sure you doing great. We're all trying to do our best with what life has handed us. There's also the possibility that her job and the long hours are exactly what she wants. My point is that she has indicated to you that you are a nice, stable "house-man" (German phrase) ... but you are also a very low priority. A lot of us are, if not completely at the bottom. That's the fun of marriage.



> If ever mention anything about our relationship, i get the response "ahhh poor you, it's all about you". And i get it thrown in my face how much her job takes it out of her.


I'm headed for a confrontation tonight, in fact. Looking forward to it like a root canal.



> My job is very stressful but it doesn't mean i come home from work like a red rag to a bull. I even stay downstairs now watching TV whilst she's upstairs on her phone in bed most nights. I wait for her to go to sleep because the fact that she'll just turn over and go to sleep night after night makes me feel sick inside.


No kidding it is. You're self-employed. Yea, those goddamn phones ... worst invention ever. I sympathize with how you feel. Most days I feel like an empty shell.



> I love my wife but i can't live like this. There's always going to be stresses in life. I just feel like it's all one sided all the time.


It's not the challenges themselves, but how we respond to them that makes all the difference in the world.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> Yes her job has caused a lot of stress and issues i admit that. It's also highly paid. The fact that we've lived a lifestyle with that income and have loans still outstanding means that she'll probably have to find a similiar paid job. The issue now is that most of the jobs that are coming up are 1 hour away from home. The idea of her quitting her job was because of the stress, now it looks as though she may have to leave the house at 6am if the gets one of the jobs shes applied for. I must also admit i feel like a failure for not being able to provide for both of us. Finding an extra £85,000 a year out of my business is not possible at the moment.


It is tough BIL310. My story... I am the sole breadwinner for my family. Getting let go from my very stressful job knowing next week I had no paycheck coming added additional stress. I had a mortgage and a family to feed. I had a small 401K started. I could lean on that to keep us going for a month or two. Surviving the stressful job over the years I did very little in the sex department with my W. Like I said, vacation time I was all about sex. The stressful job was left behind for a week as well as daily responsibility of carrying the home. Anyway, I felt like a loser for losing that job. More stress.

At this juncture, I would put 100% into supporting your W in her finding a better job. Support her as best you can. It may be a good time to put the lack of affection and appreciate on the back burner for the moment. My W did not push me for anything when I was working daily getting out my resume and interviewing. Eventually I was hired on to a company I love and will retire with. I hope your W will find that company too. There is only one way to find out....quit the crap job she has. Find a good one and be happy at home and work. Things can change for the better.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> No kidding it is. You're self-employed. Yea, those goddamn phones ... worst invention ever. I sympathize with how you feel. Most days I feel like an empty shell.


Cellphone are an electronic leash. Even my kids gets text from her employer asking for things. One is never away from work if they have a cell. Personally I think it is one of the most stressful things of my job. I'm always on call.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> It's simple: Your wife doesn't love you.


What do you think about this statement? I try not to go there too often, but it's been my default. It's my problem. Hit me like a ton of bricks when I figured it out. 

Do you think it applies here?


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> What do you think about this statement? I try not to go there too often, but it's been my default. It's my problem. Hit me like a ton of bricks when I figured it out.
> 
> Do you think it applies here?


I honestly don't know. We've been together nearly 20 years so its obviously not going to be like when we were first together.
She'll ring me every day on the home from work. 
She also get's annoyed if i for example i went out on a bender with my friends. I'd like to think if she didn't love me she wouldn't be bothered what i do.

And like i said above, when we're on holiday everything is great.


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## MarriedWKids (Apr 26, 2017)

Hi there,

First I want to say my heart goes out to you and I applaud you on sticking with your marriage even though things are tough. There's a lot of comments here that point to cheating, I want to encourage you not to jump to this as the 1st assumption. You cannot assume this if you don't know for sure. You have to start with trust.

I'd also like to stress that a stressful job, kids, being tired is NEVER an excuse to neglect your significant other. Especially the fact that she only is intimate while drunk is extremely hurtful as it makes the other feel like "I'm just a warm body when you feel horny" and there's no effort to be intimate or connect. 

I'm sure you have already but I hope you will find a way to directly communicate with her. Star the conversation in a place of love and understanding. How much you appreciate how hard she's working, and that you'd do anything to help relieve that stress at do your part taking care of the household. Tell her if you could make so she never had to work you would take on all the burden. But the reality is that you're both working hard to provide for your family. She needs to be present, that your marriage needs to come FIRST because it's the foundation of what your family is built on. Physical intimacy as well emotional connection that comes from sex is something a marriage needs and will DIE without. It doesn't have to be sex everynight all night but simple act of cuddling, holding eachother, or just showing interest/flirting is what every husband needs and deserves. One person can't fix it, she needs to show up and be willing to try. If she wants this family to work she needs to put in effort and try for you AND for the kids, but mostly for her own happiness. She has a husband is works hard, helps with the kids, and wants to be intimate with her. If she does not put in effort, than she is hurting your family and throwing away the happiness that could be. 
The fact is if she always refuses to put in effort, sooner or later things will fall apart. I hope that you confront her in a loving but firm way. Call her out and tell her you're doing because you love your marriage so much and you need it work for you, the kids, and for her.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> A simple, "Thank you for doing that or I appreciate all you do." every now and then does not take but a moment of ones time and goes a long way. Consistent doing with zero affirmation of appreciation gets people in a funk like the OP is currently. It appears he expects nothing but a bit of appreciation. Appreciation costs nothing.
> 
> My W and I will say we appreciate all that we do for the family and each other. Saying so makes us want to do more.
> 
> Just what negative feelings is the W having?


I absolutely agree that it would take nothing from her to be appreciative. The negative feelings she's having surround her stressful job and her misdirected anger regarding her job situation. 

I'm not saying that the way OP's wife is handling the situation is correct. I'm saying a little compassion from his end will likely work better than fighting fire with fire. She's extremely stressed out and likely depressed, she needs a lot more from him than contributing to the domestic duties to help her through this period.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like you guys need to revisit your lifestyle.

Your wife can't handle the stress of what she's currently dealing with. Period. You complaining about lack of sex minimizes what is really the much bigger picture, and that is that your wife is stressed beyond what she can handle.

Maybe what she needs is some leadership from her husband in the form of "sweetheart, it's clear that your stress level is affecting our marriage. You're miserable, we don't have a sex life, and this is no good for our children. Let's discuss how to downsize our lifestyle, even if that includes moving, so we can live a happier life together".

Men sometimes get wrapped up in the sex life to the detriment of all else because it's what they need to be happy. The thing is that even if she starts having sex it would not address the stress issue, so you making the issue about sex doesn't solve anything and in fact makes you both more resentful.

You because you feel like you're not getting your needs met and her because that comes across as all about you....as in it's fine that she's extremely stressed in a job she hates but as long as you're getting yours all is we'll. At least that's how she will see it.

Men and women are different.

Besides, if you divorce for the possibility of more sex, you won't have her income and will have to alter your lifestyle. Why not do it while your family is intact and see if it helps?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

What I was told by a psychologist who specialized in marriages is to schedule one date night a week. No excuses and attendance in mandator. You do not have to have sex. You can just talk, cuddle, etc.. The trick is that when we have sex we release the hormone Oxytocin. Its job is to emotionally bond a couple. It can affect you even if you just cuddle. The more sex you have, the more emotionally bonded you are. The less sex, the less sex you have.

Yours is a common story. After all, sex with the same person gets boring and routine. She may not feel sexually attracted to you anymore so she has to drink to do it. We went through something similar and the mandatory date night worked wonders for us several times in our 44 year marriage. I should disclose that the psychologist friend of mine divorced his wife for cheating. 

One other thing we did was to choose our marriage over monogamy. Most rather go down with the monogamy ship then jump aboard a different ship. Read the articles below. You do not need to accept non monogamy but they will explain your situation and provide some tips. We opened our marriage at about the same time you are experiencing your problems. It was scary at first and we did not just go our looking for sex partners. In fact, combined we only had 10 in 44 years and half of those were shared between us. We always put our marriage and each other above all else and a fling was OK as long as it was the exception and not the rule. You will be surprised at how much having sex with others can make you happy and reinvigorate your marriage. No lying and cheating because it is all out in the open. To make it work you need to be secure and not fear losing your spouse. That is what makes up jealousy. I had to remember that the way I feel about my wife having sex with someone else is because of what I have been taught all my life. It is just sex and its sinfulness is only what we assign to it. While not for everyone, the links below will give you some insight into why your marriage is the way it is and they do not say that opening your marriage is the only answer. It is only one of many answers. 

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html


https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Is she drinking 10 vodkas on the weekends regularly? If so, she may have a problem with alcohol, which is a huge libido killer. 

I'm of the mind that if a mom wants to be with her kids more and is resentful of having to work full-time, the two of you need to brainstorm ways to make that happen. By creating a plan to eliminate debt, simplify your lifestyle, budget, move, change jobs, etc. you can show her what you are willing to do to help meet this need for her. Obviously, it will not happen over night, but with a plan she may feel more supported.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> And like i said above, when we're on holiday everything is great.


Bingo! Just like me years ago. On holiday I was the sexual dynamo. Back at home and stress of work....forget it. Took me years to learn to separate work life from home life.

Fortunate for me my W is very understanding and prayed like crazy I figure it out. Took 20 years but I finally figured it out. Leave work at work and go home being happy that I have a home and wonderful W there to greet me. Once I did that my marriage turned around.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sounds like you guys need to revisit your lifestyle.
> 
> Your wife can't handle the stress of what she's currently dealing with. Period. You complaining about lack of sex minimizes what is really the much bigger picture, and that is that your wife is stressed beyond what she can handle.
> 
> ...


Yes this contains some good advice although i must stress that it's not just lack of sex i'm unhappy with. It's the complete lack of affection in all areas. Moving house won't solve the problem finance wise, its the loans and credit card debt we have, only option is to pay it off as quickly as possible and suck it up job wise until thats done. I'm also trying my best to make more profit in my company so that my wife does not have to work or at least be able to take a less stressful job but it's not an overnight thing. Plus i think my Wife is finding it hard to downsize her career. She always says she can't see herself doing a normal job like working in a supermarket etc.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> Yes this contains some good advice although i must stress that it's not just lack of sex i'm unhappy with. It's the complete lack of affection in all areas. Moving house won't solve the problem finance wise, its the loans and credit card debt we have, only option is to pay it off as quickly as possible and suck it up job wise until thats done. I'm also trying my best to make more profit in my company so that my wife does not have to work or at least be able to take a less stressful job but it's not an overnight thing. Plus i think my Wife is finding it hard to downsize her career. She always says she can't see herself doing a normal job like working in a supermarket etc.


You do have a lot going on(your W a bit more with her job change). I too did not like going from a position with some seniority to starting all over again. Judging by your description of your W and her situation it is a lot like mine was. I was anything but affectionate to my W. In short, I was horrible.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> You do have a lot going on(your W a bit more with her job change). I too did not like going from a position with some seniority to starting all over again. Judging by your description of your W and her situation it is a lot like mine was. I was anything but affectionate to my W. In short, I was horrible.


Yep sounds like her.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

What time does she get up in the morning?

I get up at 4.45 am - as we need to drive our son 25 miles to school and it takes ages and ages to get ready. My son drags himself out of bed at 5.30 and my wife at 6.15. How do you think I feel when we go to bed? I dream about sleep most of the day - turn my back and I'm out. She's not that bothered as she is also whacked.

debt eh! that's another libido killer - yes I have that too and lots of it.

Do you have children? If you have debt - chances are you have kids too. As both of you work I cant imagine why you would have debt if you dont have kids.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

MrRight said:


> What time does she get up in the morning?
> 
> I get up at 4.45 am - as we need to drive our son 25 miles to school and it takes ages and ages to get ready. My son drags himself out of bed at 5.30 and my wife at 6.15. How do you think I feel when we go to bed? I dream about sleep most of the day - turn my back and I'm out. She's not that bothered as she is also whacked.
> 
> ...


She gets up at around 6.45am. Yep two children. I understand the stress, i start my day my getting two young children ready for school and all the fun that entails, i pick them up, feed them tea, in between i'm running my own business with staff, then at night i end it either by watching TV downstairs on my own or sometimes i'll go upstairs and she will still be awake looking at facebook or shopping etc. Then it will be phone down, and then usually face the opposite way to me or she lies on her stomach in some kind of defensive position as if to say don't even try it. 
Once or twice last week, i leaned over and kissed her but i'd never get that in return. 

I watch programmes on TV and see how other spouses are to their partner, caring and loving and it just makes me sad. It's getting to the point now where when i go out with friends and i can feel myself craving attention from the opposite sex. To be honest a lot of the time i get it but however i remain faithful but i know it will only be a matter of time before i snap.

I'm 35 years of age and don't want to be living a life without affection. Especially when i also get the earache most wifes give their husbands about not doing enough around the house, spending too much money etc. I get the flat mate, but also the one that tells me what to do and moans at me.
If i didn't have kids and this makes me probably feel the saddest when i say this but i'd have left a long time ago.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> sometimes i'll go upstairs and she will still be awake looking at facebook or shopping etc. Then it will be phone down, and then usually face the opposite way to me or she lies on her stomach in some kind of defensive position as if to say don't even try it.
> Once or twice last week, i leaned over and kissed her but i'd never get that in return.
> 
> *That is bad. I can sense the rejection you feel in your post. I too did the same to my W. My W told me after many years of my crappy way to be a H that she would sometimes go in the bathroom late after I did my fall asleep routine(like your W) and cry. She felt rejected and ugly. You see, I felt I was doing all the right things as a H. Provided and looked after kids. I was missing the mark on be a loving affectionate making my W FIRST in all things. Took me 20 years to figure out I was screwing up big time and my W had every right to go find another life with another man. Thankfully she stayed the course and prayed I would figure it out. There is a common theme on those that cheat. They all say I feel no love and neglected. My W felt all of this but did not stray. After my revelation my entire marriage turned around for the better and is still great after 4 years of me seeing the light. *
> ...


You need to sit your W down and explain/convey what you are feeling. If you don't, resentment will set in and it appears to have. Also, if one day you had your W separation papers because you have had enough there will be no surprises because you have already made your position known. 

Talk to your W.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> She gets up at around 6.45am. Yep two children. I understand the stress, i start my day my getting two young children ready for school and all the fun that entails, i pick them up, feed them tea, in between i'm running my own business with staff, then at night i end it either by watching TV downstairs on my own or sometimes i'll go upstairs and she will still be awake looking at facebook or shopping etc. Then it will be phone down, and then usually face the opposite way to me or she lies on her stomach in some kind of defensive position as if to say don't even try it.
> Once or twice last week, i leaned over and kissed her but i'd never get that in return.
> 
> I watch programmes on TV and see how other spouses are to their partner, caring and loving and it just makes me sad. It's getting to the point now where when i go out with friends and i can feel myself craving attention from the opposite sex. To be honest a lot of the time i get it but however i remain faithful but i know it will only be a matter of time before i snap.
> ...


This sounds just like me, the way things have been with my marriage, if it weren't for my son I would've probably left 2 years ago. And I totally understand how you want and miss the affection you see from other couples. One of my wife's biggest issues with me that she always brings up is that I don't go out enough with my friends. Well the truth of it is that I don't, but for good reason. Most of my friends either work late, work early or are just too tired at the end of the day to go out during the week to grab a drink or something. And the other things is, they actually seem to enjoy doing things with their wives and families, lol. That hurts me even more because I have gone out to play cards with friends on a weekend, and the kicker is that their wives and kids are all there having fun too but mine isn't.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

I feel for you, buddy. I really do. If you were both 10 years older you'd almost be describing my life verbatum. I don't doubt your wife is stressed but it sounds like she's depressed too - and probably over the lopsided incomes and financial uncertainty with unvoiced dissatisfaction at being shouldered with most of the responsibility. Binge drinking is a big red flag for that. What used to make her happy? 

You said you're self employed. Is there any way that you can grow your business and bring her on board? Is there any way you can cut expenses, like maybe cable TV or gym membership, etc.?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> 1. She may be cheating
> or
> 2. She's extremely stressed out and is having a really bad time coping.
> 
> ...


I think there is a distinct possibility for #3: she doesn't give a **** about marriage and your relationship anymore. This can of course be borne out of #2 and can easily become #1 at some point. 

It doesn't matter which one it is: I think you should not feel ashamed or guilty of the fact that you have emotional needs. You married someone for love and you are not getting any. Next time she says 'poor you', you say, "damn right poor me: I don't want to be married to a cold piece of furniture, but a human being" Ok you don't have to insult her. It depends on the conversation.

Marriages often get stale. It takes work, commitment and bother, *from both sides*, not just one. You have to be prepared to take a stand and bear the consequences (which might be for the best if she has absolutely no interest in working on it togetehr).

Anyway, I wouldn't give up just yet. She might just need a little kick up the butt. Ask her is she is happy living like this. Because you aren't. Have you spoken to her about it at all? (without her putting you down). She may not be aware how you are feeling.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I think you're too nice, do way too much around the house, are too needy, don't make enough money, and don't call her on her ****tests.

Sorry but TTH

I work in finance and many women are more traditionally "manly" in the sense that they are factual, can be abrupt, aren't particularly empathetic, and don't respect people who don't stand up for their positions. Much of finance is competing for ideas and dollars; justifying past expenses or vying for new money.

If that describes your w, then she may react very negatively to someone with emotional needs or a sulky attitude when she gets home. She may be in no mood to look around and marvel at what a good job you've done around the house.

Many women need financial stability to feel personally secure.

My prescription would be to do far less around the house. Have fun with the kids but who cares if the place is a mess. Go to the gym and take time for yourself. Ge new clothes and wear cologne. Show an independent, happy, content and self confident guy. From this position of strength and lack of neediness, invite her to be a partner in fun with you.

You would be surprise what happens when a spouse moves out of a funk and appears happy and complete alone. Sometimes it's infectious. Sometimes the other spouse starts to realize they had been taking their partner for granted. In any event, it puts you in a better position to do any number of things - from insisting on MC to cajoling her into more together time to outright moving on.

Make yourself happy and whole and then see what happens 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I don't actually do anything around the house except pay for the cleaner once a week. That's another bone of contention. If the house has been done by the cleaner and she comes home from work and the kids and myself have "lived" in it and its not clean she goes mad! 

I agree though, i need to just make myself happy first. Conscious uncoupling i believe its called in the celebrity break up world!


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

m00nman said:


> I feel for you, buddy. I really do. If you were both 10 years older you'd almost be describing my life verbatum. I don't doubt your wife is stressed but it sounds like she's depressed too - and probably over the lopsided incomes and financial uncertainty with unvoiced dissatisfaction at being shouldered with most of the responsibility. Binge drinking is a big red flag for that. What used to make her happy?
> 
> You said you're self employed. Is there any way that you can grow your business and bring her on board? Is there any way you can cut expenses, like maybe cable TV or gym membership, etc.?


We've also drank of a weekend to be honest since we were young. Our family does it so do our friends. We generally do stuff with the kids then maybe saturday night we go for a meal and a few drinks, then home kids to bed and we have some more drinks. After a few drinks my wife is like a different person, i can see the stress being relieved. So basically for a few hours once a week my wife is nice loving person but for the rest of the week she can be a real *****.

I'm trying my best business wise to get her on board. It's just not going to be an overnight thing unfortunately.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> We've also drank of a weekend to be honest since we were young. Our family does it so do our friends. We generally do stuff with the kids then maybe saturday night we go for a meal and a few drinks, then home kids to bed and we have some more drinks. *After a few drinks my wife is like a different person,* i can see the stress being relieved. So basically for a few hours once a week my wife is nice loving person but for the rest of the week she can be a real ***.
> 
> I'm trying my best business wise to get her on board. It's just not going to be an overnight thing unfortunately.


You dont need me to tell you it shouldnt take alcohol to make your wife into the loving woman you married. There is no safe level of alcohol consumption according to the WHO - so clearly - drinking as a way of relieving stress so you can be happy with your partner is a very dangerous choice. Also a poor example to set the children.

I think you should find a way of agreeing with your wife that drinking in the house is forbidden. Being drunk in front of them or even a little tipsy is poor parental behaviour. You come home from the restaurant smelling of alcohol - kids can smell it. As you say - you come from a family and social circle that drinks - why not break that pattern and give your children a chance to grow up without needing alcohol to get them through the day, or through their marriages. This is much more important than your sex life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I work in finance and many women are more traditionally "manly" in the sense that they are factual, can be abrupt, aren't particularly empathetic, and don't respect people who don't stand up for their positions. Much of finance is competing for ideas and dollars; justifying past expenses or vying for new money.


I also work for an accounting firm, but I've worked in many other industries. IME, this attitude has almost nothing to do with finance, although I do not disagree with your overall assessment. It's how many (not all, many) women are in the corporate workplace in general. Less so in NPOs, education, and social work - areas where more empathy is a necessity for job success and performance.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

I feel for you as I too am in a sexless marriage where we are still young, have children and I love her unconditionally. I have no answer, brother, but you are not alone. 

I pray about it a lot, Read here, and listen to marriage strengthening podcasts from strengtheningmarriage.com.

My hope is that if I continue to persue her in love with kindness that she will someday be loving towards me again. 

It is difficult every day. Please do not give up. Change what you can about your actions and behaviors and try to resist acting on feelings of resentment that you must have. Try to make her feel that you would choose her all over again.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

BIL310 said:


> I run my own business and my wife has a stressful job in finance.


Are the relative contributions to the combined income about equal? Or, does your wife see herself as contributing more? If your wife earns more, it could be that she feels obligated to do less in the relationship outside of bringing home her paycheck.

How is her stress manifesting itself at home?

Is she bringing work home? Do you see her working on her computer, or is she constantly on a company phone? Or, is she rarely bringing work home?

Does she talk about particular situations at work that are stressing her? Or, is it vague statements she's making about how demanding her job is?

If she's not bringing work home and there's no details about stress at work, I would suspect she's making her job to seem more stressful than it really is.

Finance jobs outside of investment banking and private equity have periods of high stress, but these periods are not the norm. Given her hours, I doubt she's working in a investment bank/private equity shop. From your post, it seems she's claiming to be be stressed all the time. Be wary. Validate your wife when she complains and don't voice doubt in her, just read between the lines.



BIL310 said:


> Over the last 4-5 years I've noticed a gradual decline in her showing any interest towards me.
> 
> She will never show me any affection with a hug or kiss. She will not initiate sex. She will not have sex sober. Our sex life... happens... maybe 1/2 month... if there's alcohol in involved. _10 vodkas, or bottle of wine_


I honestly think your wife has an alcohol problem. For a married woman and mother, drinking this much (even on the weekend) seems abnormal. Does she drink a lesser amount each weekday night?



BIL310 said:


> Outside the bedroom, i take care of the kids, i pay her compliments, i pay for a cleaner out of my business to help with house chores. I listen to her when she talks, i ask her how her day was. I get absolutely nothing in return.


I wouldn't change any of this. Seems like you're doing the right things, despite her coldness toward you.

Echoing the advice of other posters, I wouldn't go overboard in trying to do more for your wife. This does nothing good for your wife's expectations. If anything, do less. Just don't short your kids on account of your wife; they're not part of the problem.



BIL310 said:


> The one thing i can't do at the moment is earn enough for her to quit her job unfortunately and we can't afford for her not to work.


While it's nice if one spouse earns enough for the other spouse to stop working and stay in the home, don't think of this as some obligation to your wife that you're depriving her of. If anything, you two should be partners and "have each others' back" by both working, and having two incomes instead of one.

Just think if in the future, you book less revenues in your business, or your costs rise... your profits go down, and you'll rely more on your wife's income. Along the same lines, if her firm downsizes and she's out of a job, she can rely on you.

Just because you're the man doesn't mean the financial burden of the household is completely on you; you married someone with skills that are valued in the labor market, and she ought to exchange those skills for a wage, in the interest of your partnership. If she truly is stressed at work, encourage her to find a new job. But do not, and I repeat, do not think that you have to earn more money so that her skills can go unused. In general, it's healthy for people to work jobs that fulfill them and give them purpose.



BIL310 said:


> If ever mention anything about our relationship, i get the response "ahhh poor you, it's all about you". And i get it thrown in my face how much her job takes it out of her.


Make your concerns about "us" versus "you". It'll be harder for her to discount them. It seems like she has some envy over your work arrangement vs. her own. You shouldn't accept inaction and dismissal of all your concerns because of her career choice, so I'd recommend that you bring the discussion back on point if she somehow shifts the focus to her job and its stress.



BIL310 said:


> My job is very stressful but it doesn't mean i come home from work like a red rag to a bull. I even stay downstairs now watching TV whilst she's upstairs on her phone in bed most nights.


I fight the same battles with my wife; you're not alone. Stand your ground, and don't tolerate this. I'm not suggesting you fight with her, but a firm "look, it's not my fault you're stressed at work, so don't take it out on me" and retreating is a decent way of dealing with an isolated instance of her being pissy after work.

Realize though that this is a recurring problem for you, and in this case, avoidance isn't a great way of addressing the issue. You certainly want to minimize conflict if you two can't speak calmly about the situation. Toward improving the recurring problem, I do think you and the wife need marriage counseling to discuss how she's destructively coping with stress at work by bringing it home.

To the point of other posters, there needs to be better separation. Doesn't mean couples can never chat about stuff happening at work. Does mean that poor work life can't spoil the relationship in the home.



BIL310 said:


> I love my wife but i can't live like this. There's always going to be stresses in life. I just feel like it's all one sided all the time.


I empathize with you. But hang in there. Life can (and will) get better. Good luck!


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Yes she currently earns more than me and i haven't been able to take a pay rise in a few years which i've been reminded of on numerous occasions. She earns 60% and i earn 40%. 
However the flexibility in running my own business enables me to look after the kids when they are sick, take them to school and pick them up etc.

She's doesn't bring work home, just the stress from work. If anything i'm the one who works from home all the time on my laptop or in my office. She's moaned about that also. On one hand i don't earn enough money but on the other hand i'm always working. Can't win. Personally i'd rather work that watch boring TV.

We both probably drink the same amount on a weekend. We very rarely drink on a weekday. Only usually a Friday or Saturday night. 

She simply can't switch off as soon as she leaves the office.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> Yes she currently earns more than me and i haven't been able to take a pay rise in a few years which i've been reminded of on numerous occasions. She earns 60% and i earn 40%.
> However the flexibility in running my own business enables me to look after the kids when they are sick, take them to school and pick them up etc.
> 
> She's doesn't bring work home, just the stress from work. If anything i'm the one who works from home all the time on my laptop or in my office. She's moaned about that also. On one hand i don't earn enough money but on the other hand i'm always working. Can't win. Personally i'd rather work that watch boring TV.
> ...


Again, totally sounds like my situation only I don't work from home. I do work very close to home so I'm more available to take our son to his sports and whatever else. She also makes more money than I do by about the same margin as you. The difference in my view and hers though is that I make enough money to support us and a comfortable life. I love what I do and I love being able to spend time with our son and around the house. Her on the other hand, it's never enough. She lives most times above our means and needs and that has caused a lot of stress in our relationship. She always tells me that I should be making more money than I am, years ago I started working a side job a couple times a week. Again it's not great money but I really enjoy the work and the people I work with. When I go out to work the side job I look at it as going out to hang out with the boys, and for what it is, it is decent side money. But then I also get attitude from her sometimes when she wants to do something and I'm scheduled to work the side job, I tell her I can't because I have to work and her response is "No, you choose to work". Like WTF? First I don't make enough and then when I do something to increase my income it's an inconvenience for her.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

The bright side is that your wife is at least working and earning a good income. I get the same type of treatment and my wife brings in about $100 per week lol. Kids are in middle and high school. I'm part owner of a small business. She's asked me numerous times when I plan on giving myself a raise and that I should consider getting a second job. I just laugh at her and ask her how the 5 year job search is going.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Have you sat down with your wife and asked, in her opinion, what you should be doing? How does she think you should handle it? I'm serious. If she's not happy with the way you split work/home, and you're doing the best as you know it, then ask her to help create a solution. 

Honestly though, it just sounds like she resents you and doesn't appreciate the value you are trying to bring.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Personally, I think you're doing enough but if you're complaining about it to her it probably isn't helping. That just lays blame on her from her perspective. She clearly feels that there is an imbalance, but is under so much stress that she can't express it to you. I feel that way in my own marriage. 

The good news is that the two of you do seem to make time for each other, but then there's the issue where you feel like she is relying on alcohol (often beyond just a drink or two) to relax. That's called binge drinking and even on a limited basis, it is NOT good - even if your wife is not an angry drunk. Perhaps you should suggest a different agenda where you do something else that you two would like to do but where alcohol consumption would be inappropriate? I'd suggest something thrilling, requiring of skill and/or competitive where there's not a whole lot of sitting around. It could be something as simple as going to a driving range to something that you'd see in a bad commercial like going horseback riding to something extreme like whitewater rafting. 

As for the money angle, if she's not bringing it up - and least not in any constructive way - and you feel like it's a problem then you should be the one to broach the subject. Come up with some ideas before doing so. If figuring out how to make more money is problematic or if you feel like it would pose too much of a risk given your current problems, then consider some ways of cutting back on expenses. Skip going out to fancy restaurants as much or cancel an underused gym membership. Maybe even ditch the cable bill or the landline telephone. Who knows? Maybe even buying less addictive or prepared foods/mixes and buying more of "simpler" foods (like beans, rice, soups, etc.) might also have some side benefits? 

Hell, maybe the OPPOSITE thing might work where you take a risk - or maybe even just a vacation with the two of you so that you can both get out of your element and experience something different together? 

I don't know though. I'm reaching here. Sometimes the hardest thing is breaking the ice.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I'm definitely missing something. 

My wife finishes the stressful job she has in two weeks. She's got interviews lined up but no offer for a new job yet. In the past week she's booked a two night stay in Spain (her friend is paying), a guy knocked before as my wife had called him to come and price up a new garden patio and she's spent the last 3 hours discussing plantation blinds for our house which we don't need. She's just informed me she's agreed to get them done at a cost of £5,000. It's on finance.

We've got no savings except 1 month of her pay to cover for month from the date she leaves her job. My income does not come all our outgoings. We usually have a men only and girls only break with friends in Spain for 3-4 days each year. I've sacrificed mine whilst we were waiting to see what happened on the job front. With the two night she's just booked, she's now going on two. A 3 night one in July also.

I'm getting walked all over here arent i. **** this, i'm done. 
I'm doing my own thing from now on, starting tomorrow when i book my own trip away.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Last night we went to be with the usual she turns one way and i turn another but my Wife actually gave me a hug in bed this morning! 
It's a start although i'm thinking it's because she was feeling guilty for putting us another £5,000 in debt.
It's like me, myself an irene it really is!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why don't you communicate with her and compromise? Also, why aren't you going on this trip with her, hmm?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> I'm definitely missing something.
> 
> My wife finishes the stressful job she has in two weeks. She's got interviews lined up but no offer for a new job yet. In the past week she's booked a two night stay in Spain (her friend is paying), a guy knocked before as my wife had called him to come and price up a new garden patio and she's spent the last 3 hours discussing plantation blinds for our house which we don't need. She's just informed me she's agreed to get them done at a cost of £5,000. It's on finance.
> 
> ...


*The two of you need a trip together ~ alone! If for no other reason than to talk things out, sans alcohol! 

If something doesn't happen soon, don't be surprised to hear her utter the infamous ILYBINILWY!*


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Another weekend passes without any intimacy. 
We ended up drinking 3 nights and this usually results in some action. Not anymore it seems. We've progressed to the not having sex sober to not have sex with alcohol now.

First night she mentioned her job again in bed and i mumbled something in the return then i got accused of drinking too much. 

Second night we went to a family party, we both ended up drinking too much. And on Sunday we took the kids out for day with in laws and after meal they took our kids home to leave me and the Mrs with a few hours together. Perfect i thought this is exactly what we need.

We went for a few drinks, i gave her quite a few kisses, holding hands etc whilst we were out and my wife didn't see too bad but fell asleep in taxi home. She asked me to make her a sandwich when we got in whilst she got changed so i did. I then went upstairs to unchange and get ready for bed. It was all quiet downstairs so i went and checked on her. She was asleep head down on kitchen table. I just woke her up and she came upstairs got in bed and was asleep in 2 minutes.

I just lied there for what seemed like hours. I thought in the morning as the house was child free i might get a look in. Nope she got up, unplugged her phone and went down downstairs. Why was i kidding myself?

Last night we both went to bed together, kids were asleep. She got in bed and lay there like a dead body as usual. I leaned over and gave her a hug and a kiss. She kissed me back for a few seconds. Then said she was hot and got up and opened the window. I just turned over and retreated to the farthest edge of the bed i could. Another night of rejection.

The last night of rejection. It's time of the month any day now also so that will another week without intimacy. I've decided i'm not even going to try anymore. Sober or not. It's not a nice feeling knowing your wife doesn't want to be intimate but thats the situation whether i like it or now. I'm even going to go to bed at the same time as her. I've had enough. Might even sleep on the couch a few nights and when she asks why i'll just tell her i'm sick of the situation.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Or she won't ask and be happy. She's not a mind reader and your actions are passive aggressive.

Tell her you want to have sex tonight. If it doesn't happen, do it every single day from now on. Then after 30 straight days, tell her it's over.

If she has a real gripe with you, your persistence might actually cause her to tell you what it is.

This back and forth without talking is nonsense IMO


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

AtMyEnd said:


> Again, totally sounds like my situation only I don't work from home. I do work very close to home so I'm more available to take our son to his sports and whatever else. She also makes more money than I do by about the same margin as you. The difference in my view and hers though is that I make enough money to support us and a comfortable life. I love what I do and I love being able to spend time with our son and around the house. Her on the other hand, it's never enough. She lives most times above our means and needs and that has caused a lot of stress in our relationship. She always tells me that I should be making more money than I am, years ago I started working a side job a couple times a week. Again it's not great money but I really enjoy the work and the people I work with. When I go out to work the side job I look at it as going out to hang out with the boys, and for what it is, it is decent side money. But then I also get attitude from her sometimes when she wants to do something and I'm scheduled to work the side job, I tell her I can't because I have to work and her response is "No, you choose to work". Like WTF? First I don't make enough and then when I do something to increase my income it's an inconvenience for her.


This is a **** test.

When you work more because she wants more, you lose.

When you argue after she accuses you of choosing work, you lose.

How do you win? You do what you feel is right.

"Wife, I am happy in what I do and how much I work. If you feel you need more money, feel free to pursue it."

If she complains, shrug your shoulders and tell her, "I'm sorry you feel that way". 

Explain things one time, and one time only. Stand for that which you believe. If she continues​ harp on money:

"Your need to spend more, and the subsequent expectation for me to earn more, is starting to make me feel like we are not compatible as a couple."


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Or she won't ask and be happy. She's not a mind reader and your actions are passive aggressive.
> 
> Tell her you want to have sex tonight. If it doesn't happen, do it every single day from now on. Then after 30 straight days, tell her it's over.
> 
> ...


She's fully aware about my unhappiness regarding the situation. I usually get the response "i never shut up about it" but the thing is when i don't actually talk about it never happens anyway. Just another excuse.

We've talked in the past about her not taking any initiative, she replied with she's always been like that so why i am thinking she'll change now? The thing is i don't remember it always being like that and even if it was she was a lot more receptive than she is now. What i am supposed to do, make a fool of myself every night? 

It will be time of the month any time now so she's got the perfect excuse to get through another week.
Funny thing is, another woman actually came onto me at the weekend when i was out with my wife. She was one side and the woman sat the other side chatting me up!. 

My wife was not happy and told me what she thought of her when we left!

With hindsight i picked the wrong to take home! ha.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BIL310 said:


> She's fully aware about my unhappiness regarding the situation. I usually get the response "i never shut up about it" but the thing is when i don't actually talk about it never happens anyway. Just another excuse.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I never suggested you communicate your unhappiness. I said ask directly for sex every day. There is a huge difference. You are trying to discuss your emotional state and many women don't find that attractive at all (and your w says she doesn't care). My suggestion is to NOT talk about your emotional state at all. Just TELL her your needs and expectations EVERY day. Make it about HER failing to meet your needs, not YOUR emotional state and unhappiness.

Do you understand the difference? This is not subtle stuff. It's a man saying "I may not be a cave man but I'm damn well descended from one" and acting like it. The ONLY difference with a modern man is he doesn't TAKE he says I WANT and says I EXPECT.

This is basic relationship stuff. She has every right to state her needs. Every f'ing day.

Then you will be able to state that you clearly made your needs known and she clearly has no intention of meeting them.

Btw the cave man reference may help you understand what many women refer to when they are attracted to confidence. The difference between being confidence and being a **** is often only in the level of receptiveness of the female


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Tell her you are done and want out. You are going to find someone who needs you, who yearns for you and who you want in return. Then do it.


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