# my sex life with husband i



## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

I am tired of always being the one to initiate sex.. i am tired of the amount of times he turns me down. i am heartbroken that he doesnt initiate sex... ya we i have had the talk with him.. and i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.. i am feeling annoyed very annoyed..


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If your husband seldom ever wants to share sex with you, it would be a good idea for you to instead seek shared sex elsewhere.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sorry you feel this way. In order to help, we need to know a couple of standard facts.

Are you married?
What are your ages?
Are you each other's first or first and only?
If not have you had a more extensive sexual history than your man?
Do you have children?

I hope there can be a joyful resolution found.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Personal said:


> If your husband seldom ever wants to share sex with you, it would be a good idea for you to instead seek shared sex elsewhere.


No, just simply no! You don't burn down the house because the hallway door is stuck.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

There is a long thread here about the sexless marriage. Many of us ladies, me included, have been in your shoes. I finally left my husband after 24 years. Now I have an excellent lover.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@Dictum Veritas, if your house doesn’t have a roof or any walls, there’s not much left to burn down.

Oh and if you settle for less shared sex, you ensure you will get less shared sex.

Of which if @Liz1972’s husband we’re up to the task and wanted to share sex with his wife, she would have no need to replace his reluctant ass.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Personal said:


> @Dictum Veritas, if your house doesn’t have a roof or any walls, there’s not much left to burn down.
> 
> Oh and if you settle for less shared sex, you ensure you will get less shared sex.
> 
> Of which if @Liz1972’s husband we’re up to the task and wanted to share sex with his wife, she would have no need to replace his reluctant ass.


Or she could just explain divorce is imminent if things don't change.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Benbutton said:


> Or she could just explain divorce is imminent if things don't change.


Divorce is a great way to help replace a spouse, who isn’t keen to share marital sex.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Personal said:


> Divorce is a great way to help replace a spouse, who isn’t keen to share marital sex.


Yes there are options.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Personal said:


> Of which if @Liz1972’s husband we’re up to the task and wanted to share sex with his wife, she would have no need to replace his reluctant ass.
> [/QUOTE]
> 
> It’s one thing to not have a high libido and not really be in the mood very often but at least be willing to try to take care of your partner and see if your responsive desire will fire up and kick in Vs. Simply rejecting your partner chronically and placing the blame on them.
> ...


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Personal said:


> If your husband seldom ever wants to share sex with you, it would be a good idea for you to instead seek shared sex elsewhere.


 cheating is never the answer. Please ignore this response by Personal It's a quick way to divorce and financial damage


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> No, just simply no! You don't burn down the house because the hallway door is stuck.


 Exactly. You are right. What a horrible response by Personal


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> There is a long thread here about the sexless marriage. Many of us ladies, me included, have been in your shoes. I finally left my husband after 24 years. Now I have an excellent lover.


Leaving is one thing. Cheating is another and btw, I know many more men who are in sexless marriages than women and most try to fix it. Are you really helping here ? Naah. Don't think so. Especailly with the lack of info provided by OP. Good God


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Liz1972 said:


> I am tired of always being the one to initiate sex.. i am tired of the amount of times he turns me down. i am heartbroken that he doesnt initiate sex... ya we i have had the talk with him.. and i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.. i am feeling annoyed very annoyed..


Make sure he doesn't have a physical problem, either low testosterone for low libido or maybe ED and ashamed to deal with it. Men do get embarrassed that they are not measuring up to the image of manhood and often push their loved ones away due to depression and embarrassment.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

wmn1 said:


> cheating is never the answer. Please ignore this response by Personal It's a quick way to divorce and financial damage


It doesn't necessarily have to mean cheating. 

Sometimes it's simply moving on with your own life regardless of what the other person thinks about it. 

If someone does not want to be with you and consistently and continuely rejects you and blames you for wanting to have a marital love life, then IMHO they waive their expectation of a continued relationship. 

Sure the proper thing to do is divorce and this situation may very well come to that. But divorces take many months if not actually years to exicute and complete. If someone does not want to be with their spouse and chronically neglects and rejects them, then IMHO I do not care whether the ink is dry on their divorce decree or not. 

Someone who chronically rejects their partner, blames them for wanting to have a sex life, refuses to address the issues or do MC or do anything to try to rectify the issues has no right to expect continued sexual exclusivity or continued marriage. It's not like it should be any surprise that someone who is constantly rejected might dissolve the relationship and/or get their needs met. 

If you constantly reject and neglect your partner's needs, ridicule and blame them for that rejection and refuse to address any of the relationship problems, you do not deserve their sexual exclusivity. 

Sexual exclusivity is only reasonable if one is making a good faith effort to meet their partner's needs. Once you cross over into intentionally rejecting and neglecting those needs, any exclusivity agreement or expectation of continuing relationship is null and void.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Liz1972 said:


> I am tired of always being the one to initiate sex.. i am tired of the amount of times he turns me down. i am heartbroken that he doesnt initiate sex... ya we i have had the talk with him.. and i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.. i am feeling annoyed very annoyed..


In March of 2020 you wrote about him withholding sex from you for two months after the two of you had an argument. In that thread you were planning to divorce. Why are you still together?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> cheating is never the answer. Please ignore this response by Personal It's a quick way to divorce and financial damage


At no point did I suggest cheating.

That said since you’re bringing it up, given her husband’s unwillingness that sounds like a great idea.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Unscientific reasons men don’t won’t sex from their wife….

1. Medical reasons (ED, low T, etc)
2. No longer attracted to wife (she’s let herself go)
3. Affair


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Personal said:


> If your husband seldom ever wants to share sex with you, it would be a good idea for you to instead seek shared sex elsewhere.


Maybe jumping the gun a little. Especially if they’re married.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Maybe jumping the gun a little. Especially if they’re married.


Not at all. If my wife decided she seldom ever wanted to share sex with me. I would have no hesitation in seeking to share sex with someone else or others. Either with the dissolution of our marriage, or not if my wife and I agree that is what we both want.


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## Gregory Chaucery (12 mo ago)

Liz1972 said:


> I am tired of always being the one to initiate sex.. i am tired of the amount of times he turns me down. i am heartbroken that he doesnt initiate sex... ya we i have had the talk with him.. and i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.. i am feeling annoyed very annoyed..


Before he met you, was he the type of guy that had an active dating life or is he the type of guy that a woman decides to settle down with because he's a good provider?

He may have learned to de-emphasize sex when he lived his life as a secluded male or he may have some resentments from his youth on this issue.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

WITHOUT MORE information on what your relationship is like , the type person he is , 
it is hard to say , 

for all we know he could be Asexual , OR 100 YEARS OLD 

Now it is nice to see that there are women Out there that want to have sex as many here on TAM convince us that women don't like it and they only do it out of DUTY or to keep the peace or reward husband for been a good boy


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## Gregory Chaucery (12 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Unscientific reasons men don’t won’t sex from their wife….
> 
> 1. Medical reasons (ED, low T, etc)
> 2. No longer attracted to wife (she’s let herself go)
> 3. Affair


4. They are a provider male who has learned to subsume his sexual desires into his personal interests. 

Not every male is ready to rip off his pants because some female is finally willing to be his sexual partner. 

It's pretty hard for anybody to suddenly become sexual, if much of their formative years was spent dealing with its absence.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ask him for an open marriage...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Ask him for an open marriage...


Ask?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> Ask?


That's the polite version...


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Ask him for an open marriage...


If my wife even suggested an open marriage, the divorce papers will be served as soon as a lawyer had them drawn up.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> If my wife even suggested an open marriage, the divorce papers will be served as soon as a lawyer had them drawn up.


and if the marriage as described by op was yours you might be right to drop them papers even before she asked for Open Marriage


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Dictum Veritas said:


> If my wife even suggested an open marriage, the divorce papers will be served as soon as a lawyer had them drawn up.


Problem solved!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Problem solved!


yes a win win


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Gregory Chaucery said:


> 4. They are a provider male who has learned to subsume his sexual desires into his personal interests.
> 
> Not every male is ready to rip off his pants because some female is finally willing to be his sexual partner.
> 
> It's pretty hard for anybody to suddenly become sexual, if much of their formative years was spent dealing with its absence.


I wouldn't think so. 
Just an opposing viewpoint.


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## Gregory Chaucery (12 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I wouldn't think so.
> Just an opposing viewpoint.


How do you think you get frigid males?
Formative years are very important in one's development.
Once we know his dating history prior to meeting her, that would be helpful.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Gregory Chaucery said:


> How do you think you get frigid males?
> Formative years are very important in one's development.


Yes but so is having understanding of circumstances and eliminating obstacles to achieve a change. Very important and once done and if one truly wants to have more sex one can embrace that whole heartedly.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I don't even understand the whole open marriage thing...Why be married ?...
It just wouldn't work for me or Mrs.Jimi


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## Gregory Chaucery (12 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> I don't even understand the whole open marriage thing...Why be married ?...
> It just wouldn't work for me or Mrs.Jimi


Security.
Having a home to go to afterwards 
It isn't for me either.


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## Gregory Chaucery (12 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yes but so is having understanding of circumstances and eliminating obstacles to achieve a change. Very important and once done and if one truly wants to have more sex one can embrace that whole heartedly.


He may be so used to his situation that any changes are not important to him


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Gregory Chaucery said:


> He may be so used to his situation that any changes are not important to him


Then it's not important enough to him, not a priority. He's choosing not to be more sexually active.

That's exactly my point. He's choosing. Which is a far distance from not being able.


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## Gregory Chaucery (12 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Then it's not important enough to him, not a priority. He's choosing not to be more sexually active.
> 
> That's exactly my point. He's choosing. Which is a far distance from not being able.


I never said he's not able. Not wanting to, because it has become him is different than an ability.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Jimi007 said:


> I don't even understand the whole open marriage thing...Why be married ?...
> It just wouldn't work for me or Mrs.Jimi


Some people are masters in wanting to stay married, denying at the same time a fundamental marriage need as sex. If you don't want it and don't want a divorce, just open the marriage. Everybody is happy... until it goes wrong, obviously...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Gregory Chaucery said:


> I never said he's not able. Not wanting to, because it has become him is different than an ability.


So I'm getting he's successful acting the way he's choosing to. Where's the problem?


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## Gregory Chaucery (12 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So I'm getting he's successful acting the way he's choosing to. Where's the problem?


Not on his side. He's doing what he wants.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You got a dud, throw him back!


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Liz1972 said:


> I am tired of always being the one to initiate sex.. i am tired of the amount of times he turns me down. i am heartbroken that he doesnt initiate sex... ya we i have had the talk with him.. and i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.. i am feeling annoyed very annoyed..


Wow. This is our situation. Except the roles are reversed here. She last initiated in 2015. Before that was the year 2000. Numerous talks. Nothing changes. 

One thing she suggested 4 years ago was sex each Sunday. Guess that’s progress. To some people, my wife your hubby, sex is simply not important. 

Wish I had a solution for you other than don’t give up. Keep trying. We wind up averaging twice a week. She once said she “plays along to keep the peace.” Kinda rude and cold, but that’s how she is. Keep the peace = getting action. Good luck!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Then it's not important enough to him, not a priority. He's choosing not to be more sexually active.
> 
> That's exactly my point. He's choosing. Which is a far distance from not being able.


OPs husband uses sex to control her. Read her other thread from 2020. Opposite usual gender roles. 

Where are the voices telling her once a week is the average and she had better stop pushing him for more? And if he doesnt want sex with her that is his right and she just needs to take care of herself.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@Liz1972 Read your other threads. You have a mess on your hands. 6 kids, even with 2 being adults and out of the house, you and your husband have had you hands full. What is disturbing though is your husband weaponizing sex and telling you he won't have sex with you for 2 months because he is mad. It is sad to say, but I doubt you will fix this. I doubt even a counselor will help. Your husband sounds borderline emotionally abusive with the blame he places on you for things and withholding sex because he is pissed at you. At the very least it is immature behavior. I think if you need to seriously look at divorce.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Personal said:


> Not at all. If my wife decided she seldom ever wanted to share sex with me. I would have no hesitation in seeking to share sex with someone else or others. Either with the dissolution of our marriage, or not if my wife and I agree that is what we both want.


At the risk of a TJ, how exactly do you draw that line? Does it also apply to certain acts. Like if she was still good with straight up PIV sex every day, but no more BJs, no more _insert your favorite non PIV sex act, etc. _Would you seek those elsewhere?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> think if you need to seriously look at divorce.


She wrote in 2020 that she was divorcing him. Not sure why, but they are still married,


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

We need to differentiate this situation from a low libido situation. 

This is not about a good guy who is loving and supportive and affectionate who is doing his best to be good husband but happens to have a lower libido than his wife. 

This is a very passive-aggressive or even emotionally abusive person that is INTENTIONALLY rejecting and denying her to HURT her and cause her distress. 

And he is ridiculing and blaming her for his rejection. 

For those of you fearful that if she asks for open marriage or finds someone else that he might divorce her - GOOD! 

Divorcing would probably be the healthiest thing they can do. And whether she divorces and moves on before or after getting with someone else that treats her like a human and gives her love and affection - I don't care. 

And whether her H cares about that or not,,,,, well I don't care about that either because in my book he waived his right to her emotional and sexual exclusivity when he started denying her just to hurt her and cause her pain. 

If getting with someone that treats her well and is loving to her shows her that there is a better life out there and gives her the confidence and motivation to get away from him - then so be it. Whether that comes before or after one or the other of them files for divorce or packs bags, I don't care.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Liz1972 said:



I am tired of always being the one to initiate sex.. i am tired of the amount of times he turns me down. i am heartbroken that he doesnt initiate sex... ya we i have had the talk with him.. and i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.. i am feeling annoyed very annoyed..

Click to expand...

*I see from your history you're married 25 years and have 6 kids. That's A LOT of kids.

And you're both still alive to tell the tale. By now, I would have probably buried my husband's body parts over the course of 3 states in order not to be caught.

Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine how after 25 years of the "same old same old," anyone would be eager for more of the same. Maybe that's just me.

Yes, I'm the resident pessimist, but it doesn't mean what I say has no merit to it. It obviously does.

He's not into it, OP. You can't force him, you can't bribe him, you can't shame him, and you can't cajole him into doing something he's just not feeling. Just being honest.

I haven't read your whole history but I'm now seeing posts about this guy being "abusive." Don't know anything about that, I'm going strictly on your first (and still ONLY) post in this thread.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> It doesn't necessarily have to mean cheating.
> 
> Sometimes it's simply moving on with your own life regardless of what the other person thinks about it.
> 
> ...


I didn't feel like chasing down the OP's prior posts, but it sounds like there is some history there, and much more to the story than what you'd get from simply reading this thread.

Having said that, I think oldshirt's post here definitely applies very well to other sexless relationships (or maybe there is sex but a severe mismatch between what both partners want). 

If a partner doesn't meet my needs, they aren't holding up their end of the deal, so there is no deal at that point and I owe them nothing.


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## ayushiest (Sep 26, 2021)

tell your partner what you want/like


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ayushiest said:


> tell your partner what you want/like


“i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.”

She has had numerous discussions over YEARS about this. She said in original post she was sick of talking and being ignored. Tell she has many many times. Didn’t work


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> At the risk of a TJ, how exactly do you draw that line? Does it also apply to certain acts. Like if she was still good with straight up PIV sex every day, but no more BJs, no more _insert your favorite non PIV sex act, etc. _Would you seek those elsewhere?


If my wife were to suddenly only want to share daily standalone PIV sex to the exclusion of the tremendous smorgasbord of sexual things we both enthusiastically share with each other. Yes after asking why, I would certainly seek to share some of those things with others. Since I would be bored out of my gourd, at having to only share that kind of sex daily.

Although I can't imagine what turning that off would be like. I mean this morning (Monday) just after we had a shower, my wife gave me some standalone analingus. This after a week, of I can't remember if we shared sex together eight times or nine times (one thing for sure though there was no sex on Tuesday).

That said given @Liz1972's situation, I think she would do well to dump her sexually manipulative husband (especially because of that manipulative behaviour) at her earliest convenience.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Personal said:


> If your husband seldom ever wants to share sex with you, it would be a good idea for you to instead seek shared sex elsewhere.


Dumb advice


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Liz1972 said:


> I am tired of always being the one to initiate sex.. i am tired of the amount of times he turns me down. i am heartbroken that he doesnt initiate sex... ya we i have had the talk with him.. and i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.. i am feeling annoyed very annoyed..


This applies to men and women, don't put out get out!!!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Personal said:


> If your husband seldom ever wants to share sex with you, it would be a good idea for you to instead seek shared sex elsewhere.





David60525 said:


> Dumb advice


🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 Really?

'cause you say exactly the same thing I said, just using different words.



David60525 said:


> This applies to men and women, *don't put out get out!!!*


Do keep up.









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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's a link to a thread that has some resources for women in your situation. It's a very long thread, so read at least the first few pages as they have the links to resources.

The Sex Starved Wife | Talk About Marriage


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

First I want to thank BigDaddyNY for summarizing her 2020 problem where the OP was going to divorce him. Weaponizing sex by saying I am not going to have sex with my wife for 2 months because he is angry at her, is childish at best.



Liz1972 said:


> I am tired of always being the one to initiate sex.. i am tired of the amount of times he turns me down. i am heartbroken that he doesnt initiate sex... ya we *i have had the talk with him.. and i am sick of talking to him about it!!!! i dont give a hoot about why he doesnt want sex he always has a reason amd usually puts the blame on me.. i am feeling annoyed very annoyed..*


Ok, you are angry. It is good to vent and get it off your chest. 

I was in a sex starved marriage. My wife told me she would never have sex with me again. Yes, even before that she didn't initiate. Rather than my throwing a fit, I decided to read everything I could about relationship books that others recommended to me.

My recommendation to you would be to read and study M.W. Davis book the sex starved wife. You might learn that you are not alone. You might also read some ideas that have helped other wives rekindle the love in their relationship.

From what you have posted you are fed up with your marriage and are emotionally checking out. You are free to do that. Just understand that if you emotionally check out, your marriage is not going to heal itself. If you emotionally check out, you will likely end up in a divorce. Actually, that might not be a bad thing for you. Not sure about how your children will feel about it, but it is your choice to make. 

Nothing you do, no matter how "tit for tat" it is will likely force your husband to treat you to the love you feel you deserve as his wife. 

My suggestions are that you become the adult in the relationship. Read as many books on this topic as you can, starting with the Sex Starved wife. Drop you anger, that will be hard work, but ultimately, if you divorce him you will be better off without a chip on your shoulder. Angry divorces do nothing be destroy marital assets. If you don't decide to divorce him, like you chose in 2020, then by all means drop your anger so the two of you can have a civil relationship at lest for your kids. 

You say you have talked to him about your feelings. Have you talked to him in such a way that he has really listened? Sometimes that can be really hard for a topic that is so emotional to you. You might want to pay a couple's counselor for a few sessions to discuss how upset you are at the lack of sex. You might learn that you are also part of the problem. In my sex starved marriage, I thought I was married to a frigid woman, who didn't love me. I learned instead that we still loved each other, but that she had not felt loved and cherished in her love languages (Chapman's 5 Languages of Love) and she misunderstood when I reached out to her in my love languages. The sex therapist who pointed this out to us, helped save our marriage. She provided other insights, training materials, home work, etc. that helped save our marriage.

Again, Vent to get it out of our system. Talk to him and make sure he has listened and if you can't engage a professional to help.

Good luck.


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