# Wife's Friendship



## goldfishsk (Nov 13, 2015)

I had found my wife texting her ex Co-Worker who is a guy. She used to sent messages as SMS, WhatsApp and FB Messenger. Number she uses is a combo number of my number and hence its bill used to come to my mail id. I noticed that these messages were sent on days when I am not in station. Also messages are deleted so don't have any clue of the discussion.

I discussed with her openly and she messaged that guy not to sent any more messages as I dislike. With her permission I have blocked him on FB and WhatsApp. Also in Phone I added him to reject list. So far every thing is going fine.

Can I trust on the present scenario or should be cautious? Your Opinion Please...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

goldfishsk said:


> I had found my wife texting her ex Co-Worker who is a guy. She used to sent messages as SMS, WhatsApp and FB Messenger. Number she uses is a combo number of my number and hence its bill used to come to my mail id. I noticed that these messages were sent on days when I am not in station. Also messages are deleted so don't have any clue of the discussion.
> 
> I discussed with her openly and she messaged that guy not to sent any more messages as I dislike. With her permission I have blocked him on FB and WhatsApp. Also in Phone I added him to reject list. So far every thing is going fine.
> 
> Can I trust on the present scenario or should be cautious? Your Opinion Please...


 The fact that she was deleting the messages and hiding the relationship shows that she has something to hide, and is an acknowledgement that she knew that her relationship with this other man was something that you would not like. If she want to continue her relationship with this other man without you knowing, she has many options, such as secret texting apps and using a burner phone. She has already show that she is willing to go behind your back for the other man, so no you cannot trust the present scenario.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Keep a silent watch on the matter. I suggest you VAR her car.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sports Fan said:


> Keep a silent watch on the matter. I suggest you VAR her car.


Trust but verify. :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

At this point take it as a huge red flag something is missing or an issue is unresolved in the marriage and she lacks the courage to confront you about it.

Jid and I recently went around on the issue of adultery vs issues. Bottom line we both agreed that most affairs begin because of unresolved issues in the marriage. 

Take this as a wake up call to renew your marriage. Most times women do a very poor job at communicating what is bothering them. When it hits the fan they say, I told you years ago I wasn't happy. Huh??? 

Care to post some thoughts on this subject?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Trust, but verify.

She has shown she is sneaky and needs to be monitored.

And the fault is all hers. Don't let her pretend otherwise at any future point.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

goldfishsk said:


> I had found my wife texting her ex Co-Worker who is a guy. She used to sent messages as SMS, WhatsApp and FB Messenger. Number she uses is a combo number of my number and hence its bill used to come to my mail id. I noticed that these messages were sent on days when I am not in station. Also messages are deleted so don't have any clue of the discussion.
> 
> I discussed with her openly and she messaged that guy not to sent any more messages as I dislike. With her permission I have blocked him on FB and WhatsApp. Also in Phone I added him to reject list. So far every thing is going fine.
> 
> Can I trust on the present scenario or should be cautious? Your Opinion Please...



The problem here is your wife, not this guy.

And notice again this part.



> she messaged that guy not to sent any more messages as I dislike


So, she is not sending only because you do not like, not because it is wrong.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You can not trust your wife to maintain no contact with this guy, the fact that she deleted the messages shows she can't be trusted. You need to continue to check both her electronic activity and if possible her physical activity. Remember, she works with this guy, it's very easy for them to remain in contact and develop/continue their emotional connection without you knowing about it. I would also contact the other man and issue him a warning. If he has a wife or girlfriend, her her know what you discovered.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It is entirely possible that you nipped a potential affair in the bud, but you must prepare yourself for the very real possibility that there is more, much MUCH MORE, to this than you already know.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Deleted messages to a male coworker. 

Verify it doesn't start back up. You are in the danger zone. Never a good thing


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Definitely need to stay vigilant. Get the software to retrieve deleted info. Also look for a burner phone and put a VAR in her car but like others have mentioned, this being a co-worker, they can get together at lunch or even sneak out for a 15 minute "smoke break." 

The whole sneaking around during an affair, causes a very exciting ****tail of addictive chemicals to be released in the brain that cause WWs in particular to throw caution away. A quick BJ in back of car parked at far end of parking lot doesn't show up in text logs unless talked about. These woman will do things for their POS that they would never do for their husband and father of their kid.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

goldfishsk said:


> I discussed with her openly and she messaged that guy not to sent any more messages as I dislike.


Here's an issue.

No more messages because husband doesn't like.

it should have been no more messages because I feel this is hurting my relationship with husband.

She has made you out to be the bad guy here.

Sounds like a major recipe for resentment.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

goldfishsk said:


> *Can I trust on the present scenario?*


Nope!

He a co-worker, she has daily contact with him... My bet it has already gone PA at some level.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

RWB said:


> Nope!
> 
> 
> 
> He a co-worker, she has daily contact with him... My bet it has already gone PA at some level.



He said ex co-worker, I assume that means they no longer work together. 

That doesn't preclude the possibility that she is contacting him from work, or has a burner phone.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

it might not hurt to see the deleted texts.
I would want to know


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Deleting messages so you won't see them = giant red flag. You must go underground and find out what is happening.
Read this thread and follow its advice: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Trust but verify is your choice of action. However, a long stern talk about boundaries is also in order. I would also mention a polygraph and the OM's wife ( if married) be informed. That should be done by you and nobody else. Also you need the contents of those text messages. You can PM Gus Polinsky on step by step instructions to recover deleted texts. 

Make sure you take her phone from her now so nothing can be rewritten over. Give her a pay by month phone without texting until you can search her phone. 

You should consider MC for your marriage as she may not be happy and seeking out others. Also have her do IC so she can fix her desire for validation by other men. I would also do some other investigative work to ensure she is on the correct path with your marriage. 

Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JohnA said:


> Bottom line we both agreed that most affairs begin because of unresolved issues in the marriage.


 What is wrong with this statement is that it allows a cheater to falsely rationalize part of the blame for the affair on to their cheated on spouse. The truth is that almost all long term marriages have issues on both sides. Marriages work only when each party decides that some issues are not important enough to make a big deal over getting changed. Cheaters looking to blame shift will take such issues and blow them up into big deals only after they start cheating. I am not saying that they should not work on these issues. I am just saying that they were not the cause of the affair, just the excuse used to rationalize it. Putting your energy into an affair partner rather than your spouse, is a piss poor way to try to fix issues in your marriage.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi TRy,

While I agree adultors will blame shift using issues, I stand by the truth of the statement.
Adulators are cowards and will seek approval for their actions, That does not involved them accepting responsibility for their actions. We know who and what she is. A coward who is destroying her family because she lacks the strength to confront the issues in her marriage and childhood. 

This is on her and only her. All the spouse can do is help them face up to the truth. 
Adultery and issues are two intertwined events that are two separate issues. At this point, best case, she wants to be like her SIL. All the OP can do is confront her on this and make clear she had only two choices, become the SIL and lose her family or commit to becoming a stronger person and a better spouse. 

This is not controlling. It is not controlling since she has two clear actions and the OP is willing to live up to the same boundaries. 
Boundaries are those restrictions and necessary actions we accept as worth while to preserve what we value. They serve no other purpose and need to be reviewed periodical to how effective they are.
Can we agree on these points?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JohnA said:


> While I agree adultors will blame shift using issues, I stand by the truth of the statement.


 I still disagree with your statement that "most affairs begin because of unresolved issues in the marriage". Since there's something wrong in almost every marriage, addressing issues with your spouse while not cheating is a normal and expected part of being married. I again say that putting your energy into an affair partner rather than your spouse, is a piss poor way to try to fix issues in your marriage.



JohnA said:


> Adulators are cowards and will seek approval for their actions, That does not involved them accepting responsibility for their actions. We know who and what she is. A coward who is destroying her family because she lacks the strength to confront the issues in her marriage and childhood.
> 
> This is on her and only her. All the spouse can do is help them face up to the truth.
> Adultery and issues are two intertwined events that are two separate issues. At this point, best case, she wants to be like her SIL. All the OP can do is confront her on this and make clear she had only two choices, become the SIL and lose her family or commit to becoming a stronger person and a better spouse.
> ...


 I do agree on these points.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

It is not just putting the energy into the affair, it is also not putting it into themselves. Adultery is like a house fire. There always a reason for them. She could have chosen to fire proof the home - she did not. The fire is on her. He could have not left rags laying around that help fuel the fire, but she lit the match, tossed it on the rags and walked away leaving her kids and husband to burn!!

The question on this point on this thread is has she already lit and tossed the match - not will she. She will!!!
Her choice of friends answered that question. Serial cheaters are hard to catch because they have learned how not to get caught. His wife is learning from a master and by not telling the BIL from the get go he enabled the learning process.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You need to find the truth my friend. If not you will never have a good marriage.

Del. messages are huge Red Flag for me. She knows she is doing something bad behind your back and with ex co-worker.

Are you 100%sure that they never crosed the line ?

Find what did they talk about,you will be suprised belive me.

Sorry you are here.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Lets be honest, you have no way of knowing that it hasn't gone physical....Why would she contact an ex co worker? I think she is MUCH more deeply involved than you think....You must lay low, and try to gather more evidence. This site has tons of evidence gathering information...


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