# Help please i need advice so badly



## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

24 Days of Marriage: TRAINWRECK

I’m 23 and a wife to a very ungrateful husband. I never thought it would be like this. I never thought I would be this unhappy and upset of the idea of marriage. My marriage. Never have I imagined that my marriage would last only for 24 days. I am not saying that I’m divorced, I am not saying that I’m giving up, but all I’m saying is—starting from now, I don’t want to be his slave. Yes. His slave. That’s what he makes me feel like—a slave. But, how?

Did he say gratitude without me telling him to tell so? Did he responsible for me financially? Did he get excited to know about my day? Did he talk politely and compassionately towards me? Did he treat me as his number one priority? The answer is NO for all of the above. So yeah, that’s exactly like a slave.

He did not say “thank you” (most of the times) or show emotions at least just to express his gratitude towards me; washing all the dishes, cleaning our two-floor house, doing the laundry, cooking for his breakfast-lunch-dinner, ironing his shirts, and making the house looking neat and organized.

Did he pay for me? Did he give me monthly salary for being a housewife? Did he simply buy me things just to make me smile and feel appreciated? No. He did not pay for me, unless it’s his to pay too. No. He did not give me monthly salary for being a housewife like he promised he would. No. He did not simply buy me things like flowers, cakes, or anything just to make me smile and feel appreciated.

He did not get excited to know about my day like. He did not ask nor did he cares. What he cares about is “what’s going on in youtube or instagram?”, “what’s going on with soccer?” and “what’s going on in his friends and circles?”. What’s more interesting is that he cares so much about his iPhone and less about me!

I am not saying that he is a bad person, he is a nice one, but… his attitude is unstable. It’s like he has this two personalities; the angle and the demon. But what concerns me is that he show he demonic side most of the times towards me. He’s acting very immature but somehow manage to show to the world that he is a damn mature person, but you know how impostor can be? GOOD AT IT. He nailed it for that. He is very temperamental. He likes to break stuff, punch things, and break things when he gets upset. It’s no unhealthy. It is scary too! It’s not safe for me to be around him when he gets upset. The worst part is, he is not being compassionate during sex. He likes it rough, the more I GET IN PAIN, the more HE FEELS PLEASURE. Oh—and also—subconsciously he asks me, or should I elaborate it more clearly, “DEMAND” to have a threesome. 

Last but not least, No. He did not treat me like I am his number one priority. His priority is himself. I don’t know why I can be so stupid and fell for his bull**** before I say “I Do”. Why I can’t see that he has this potential as an impostor. He is such a great pretender in a great disguise. If I’m his number one priority, it should be my needs, my feelings, and my happiness that is important for him and to him to fulfill. Am I right?

Please give me advice since I cannot tell my parents, his, or even my best friend. I want to try before giving up and telling them.

Thank you..:crying:


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I'm sorry, but you've only been married for 24 days. He must have been this way before you got married... Why did you get married if you don't like how he treats you?


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

@ihatethis 

that's why! only for 24 days and he did not treat me right. only 8 months of dating and he proposed to me, he wasnt like this at all, that's why i feel that he manipulated me.. the first day of us being a spouse he just like "tadaa" "hello, this is me, actually"..


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

alm28 said:


> @ihatethis
> 
> that's why! only for 24 days and he did not treat me right. only 8 months of dating and he proposed to me, he wasnt like this at all, that's why i feel that he manipulated me.. the first day of us being a spouse he just like "tadaa" "hello, this is me, actually"..


It just seems odd to me that all this behavior only comes overnight.

Have you discussed this with him?


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

a year.. and dated him for 8 months..


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

ihatethis said:


> It just seems odd to me that all this behavior only comes overnight.
> 
> Have you discussed this with him?


I did and he went upset and he said, "If you love me then you gotta accept me the way I am, unless you never really loved me." then I said "I do love you so much but for who you were not who you actually are." and he gave me his furious look and told me that I'm just being too sensitive and he told me that this is how he is and he just wanted me so much to be his wife that's why, for him, that's what every guys do. impress the woman to get her even if he has to pretend.. 

this is a nightmare!


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

alm28 said:


> I did and he went upset and he said, "If you love me then you gotta accept me the way I am, unless you never really loved me." then I said "I do love you so much but for who you were not who you actually are." and he gave me his furious look and told me that I'm just being too sensitive and he told me that this is how he is and he just wanted me so much to be his wife that's why, for him, that's what every guys do. impress the woman to get her even if he has to pretend..
> 
> this is a nightmare!


Well if he actually did a 180 and is completely the different person than when you were dating, I would just leave him. You cannot control that he hid who he was. If he is denying it and is saying there is nothing wrong with him, he will not change.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Is he from a chauvinist culture where men don't lift a finger around the house and feel entitled to be served and treated like a king? Was he a mama's boy, and did she treat him and his father like a king, her being their slave?


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

@imfarabove

What do you mean by annulment and not the D? I am not brave yet to call it off  of the shame to the society and to show that I've failed just like my parents..


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

May I ask what country you are from and what country your husband is from?


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

Yes he is a mama's boy! And i just found out after we got married...

He said nothing is wrong with him.. So that means.. He will never changed?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

alm28 said:


> I did and he went upset and he said, "If you love me then you gotta accept me the way I am, unless you never really loved me." then I said "I do love you so much but for who you were not who you actually are." and he gave me his furious look and told me that I'm just being too sensitive and he told me that this is how he is and he just wanted me so much to be his wife that's why, for him, that's what every guys do. impress the woman to get her even if he has to pretend..
> 
> this is a nightmare!


Well at least he is being honest with you now. He is telling you exactly what he thinks, and what he expects. Believe him. Can you move back with your family while you get an annulment or a divorce, whichever is done where you are at?

You don't want to have a child with this man, because a child will chain you to him in more ways.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

@ihatethis 

Indonesia. My background is I'm mixed. My parents both are mixed to. So I'm not really into indonesian culture. But this guy (at first) gave me an impression that being with indonesian is better especially we live here.. 

Turns out I kinda regret it and hated myself to trust him.. 

He is a full indonesian btw and rejects on being open minded


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

If I move to my mum's, she will be upset too and said "I told you so" because she knew she said, that she has this hunch that something is wrong about him. Because he is too perfect. 

And then, yes I don't want a have a child with him.. Im using the birth control pills.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If your mother warned you, then you should have no problem going to her for help. She will understand. 

Tell her that you screwed up and you should have listened to her. Better to admit you made a mistake and move on. The longer the marriage, the tougher it will be.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

alm28 said:


> If I move to my mum's, she will be upset too and said "I told you so" because she knew she said, that she has this hunch that something is wrong about him. Because he is too perfect.
> 
> And then, yes I don't want a have a child with him.. Im using the birth control pills.


Swallow your pride, tell your mom she was right, and that you wished you had listened to her. Ask her if she will help you now that you see who he really is.

You do not want to ruin your whole life because you don't want to let you mom know she is right?

Annulment is a legal process that merely "cancels" the marriage, like it never existed. The conditions to be able to have an annulment vary. One condition is that you haven't been married very long. It is easier than divorce. I do not know if it exists in Indonesia.

You need to get away from this man before you get pregnant or he begins abusing you. The longer you are with him, the harder it will be to get away. You can tell all your friends that he pretended to be someone he wasn't, and that he changed the day after you got married, but it took a month to figure out that the changes were really who he was.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

I think I will go tell my mum tomorrow.. thank you..


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Your husband was raised to believe he is the king. He will never change, as he believes he deserves to be waited on.
> 
> You will never change either. You believe in equality, not slavery. Call your mother today and tell her what has happened and that you are a slave and need her help to get away from him.


I will go to her house later since it's 12.24am in the morning.. thank you so much you really hellp me.. all of you.. im so glad i found this site.

I am crying right now. I am shaking like really? is this for real? is this really happening to me? If i'm really getting a divorce (there's no such thing as annulment in Indonesia), I definitely going to go abroad and stay with my grandma. I cannot handle the people in here.. 

Gosh.. I am so afraid. And you know what his family, especially his mom, would be so mad at me by leaving. he would think that I am the one to blame for all of this I am the one who cant make his son happy and blablabla.. even when the first time I told his mom that he is being rude while he mad, his mom say "oh he gets his tempered from his dad" im like WTH


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

alm28 said:


> I am not saying that he is a bad person, he is a nice one, but… his attitude is unstable. It’s like he has this two personalities; the angle and the demon. But what concerns me is that he show he demonic side most of the times towards me. He’s acting very immature but somehow manage to show to the world that he is a damn mature person, but you know how impostor can be? GOOD AT IT. He nailed it for that.
> 
> *He is very temperamental. He likes to break stuff, punch things, and break things when he gets upset. It’s no unhealthy. It is scary too! It’s not safe for me to be around him when he gets upset. The worst part is, he is not being compassionate during sex. He likes it rough, the more I GET IN PAIN, the more HE FEELS PLEASURE. Oh—and also—subconsciously he asks me, or should I elaborate it more clearly, “DEMAND” to have a threesome. *


This is abusive behavior. There is no way to deal with someone who gets pleasure out of hurting you.

Tell your parents immediately, leave this house, and get a divorce. Don't waste your life on someone who wants you to feel pain and feels good about it. 

Don't wait until he punches you. You don't have to accept this. It's up to you to save yourself.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> alm28, you have only seen the tip of the iceberg with your husband. He has a lot more expectations than he has exposed to you in 24 days. I am saying this as a person with experience. A chauvinist whose culture teaches him that he is superior to you has those ideas ingrained in every idea he has. You will become absolutely miserable if you don't also believe that way. You will feel yourself dying inside, and you will eventually wish you were dead as your husband expects you to give up more of yourself, so he can have everything his way. Can you call your mom today?


I went downstairs just a few minutes ago, he's there.. I am reaching out to my phone since I left it there and wanting to text my mom telling I'll be there in the morning. He asked me who do I text this early, then I said no one, then he start grabbing my phone and said "so now you lie to me, huh?" and i said "I just check my inbox thats all!" and then he said "whatever" 

I came up.. I really have no clue. I dont want him to sleep next to me tonight! should i lock the door?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

alm28 said:


> I will go to her house later since it's 12.24am in the morning.. thank you so much you really hellp me.. all of you.. im so glad i found this site.
> 
> I am crying right now. I am shaking like really? is this for real? is this really happening to me? If i'm really getting a divorce (there's no such thing as annulment in Indonesia), I definitely going to go abroad and stay with my grandma. I cannot handle the people in here..
> 
> Gosh.. I am so afraid. And you know what his family, especially his mom, would be so mad at me by leaving. he would think that I am the one to blame for all of this I am the one who cant make his son happy and blablabla.. even when the first time I told his mom that he is being rude while he mad, his mom say "oh he gets his tempered from his dad" im like WTH


Who cares what his family thinks? His family isn't there when he is hurting you, and they won't be there when he punches you and puts you in the hospital. For all you know, her husband beats her up regularly.

Pride, appearances, embarrassment...none of these things are more important than getting out of an abusive marriage.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

norajane said:


> This is abusive behavior. There is no way to deal with someone who gets pleasure out of hurting you.
> 
> Tell your parents immediately, leave this house, and get a divorce. Don't waste your life on someone who wants you to feel pain and feels good about it.
> 
> Don't wait until he punches you. You don't have to accept this. It's up to you to save yourself.


He said it's normal for guys to feel that way (about the sex)

Oh no.. who is the guy I'm marrying? :'(


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

norajane said:


> Who cares what his family thinks? His family isn't there when he is hurting you, and they won't be there when he punches you and puts you in the hospital. For all you know, her husband beats her up regularly.
> 
> Pride, appearances, embarrassment...none of these things are more important than getting out of an abusive marriage.


Thank you. I am just gonna tell my mum all about it first.. btw his family is like one of the powerful and well-knownfamily here.. so this will be a "thread" for them and will be "the talk" of people around town... 

I am not the person who likes to be involved in all that and im not the tough one to handle those people


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

alm28 said:


> He said it's normal for guys to feel that way (about the sex)
> 
> Oh no.. who is the guy I'm marrying? :'(


NO! It's not normal! That he thinks it's normal shows how messed up he is in his head, and it shows you that he has no interest in changing nor your pleasure. A man who thinks it's normal to hurt you is a psychopath, not a man.

I have never been hurt like that during sex by anyone. My SO likes me to be turned on and enjoying sex, and wants to make sure I have orgasms and am having fun. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

alm28 said:


> Gosh.. I am so afraid. And you know what his family, especially his mom, would be so mad at me by leaving. he would think that I am the one to blame for all of this I am the one who cant make his son happy and blablabla.. even when the first time I told his mom that he is being rude while he mad, his mom say "oh he gets his tempered from his dad" im like WTH


Tell yourself "Of course she is mad at me. She made him that way, and she is his father's slave, and his slave."

Do not care what she says, because she is part of the problem.

Listen to your self. You are smart. You realized he changed, and it only took you 24 days to reach out for support.

Be prepared for him to get really angry, maybe violent to intimidate you to stay. Know that is part of his sick mentality. Don't give in to it. Leave, and stay away from him, or he'll lie to get you back under his thumb.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

alm28 said:


> Thank you. I am just gonna tell my mum all about it first.. btw his family is like one of the powerful and well-knownfamily here.. so this will be a "thread" for them and will be "the talk" of people around town...
> 
> I am not the person who likes to be involved in all that and im not the tough one to handle those people


Then move away from the town if they are so gossipy about things that don't involve them.

Your life and health is at stake. Tell them all to f*ck off if they think you should stay with an abusive husband. None of those people will be there for you when you are bleeding and unconscious because he punched you in the nose.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

norajane said:


> NO! It's not normal! That he thinks it's normal shows how messed up he is in his head, and it shows you that he has no interest in changing nor your pleasure. A man who thinks it's normal to hurt you is a psychopath, not a man.
> 
> I have never been hurt like that during sex by anyone. My SO likes me to be turned on and enjoying sex, and wants to make sure I have orgasms and am having fun. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for you.


that is what i think it should feel like but i never had sex with him until i got married to him..


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Tell yourself "Of course she is mad at me. She made him that way, and she is his father's slave, and his slave."
> 
> Do not care what she says, because she is part of the problem.
> 
> ...


THANK YOU SO MUCHH! thank you! I feel like hugging you right now since I really need someone to comfort me..  thank you all.

first thing first, talk ASAP to my mum and tell her.
and I will tell my husband that Im no longer wanna be in this marriage.
Im pretty sure he'll get upset and might being abusive towards me, and BOOM. i'll take off the ring and just leave.

I am still 23... and divorced???? the marriage is not even a month ???? very sad..


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

A healthy person would not hurt their partner during sex. They want you to feel good, not hurt. 

Tell his mother and anyone else who tries to blame you for leaving that he wanted violent sex with you and wants to have threesomes. Tell his family that the more they gossip about you, the more you will have to tell people the truth. If they shut up, you will shut up, unless someone asks you.

Your husband has mental issues, even if his attitudes might be culturally "the norm."

You are normal.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Keep the ring. It is yours. You can take it to a gold dealer and get $ for it to help pay your expenses for the D or to just live on until you get your old life back.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

alm28 said:


> THANK YOU SO MUCHH! thank you! I feel like hugging you right now since I really need someone to comfort me..  thank you all.
> 
> first thing first, talk ASAP to my mum and tell her.
> *and I will tell my husband that Im no longer wanna be in this marriage.*
> ...


NO, don't tell him until you are safely at your parents house. He might get violent with you.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

norajane said:


> NO, don't tell him until you are safely at your parents house. He might get violent with you.


then how am i suppose to leave him and tell him the reasons im leaving???


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

alm28 said:


> I am still 23... and divorced???? the marriage is not even a month ???? very sad..


Accept that. It is better than being 40, with a lot of children, your confidence ruined, your face bashed in, having had a lot of painful sexual experiences, trapped and now way to get out, and him having a lover or two on the side because he isn't into you anymore.

You will be 24, divorced and HAPPY!!!!!


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Keep the ring. It is yours. You can take it to a gold dealer and get $ for it to help pay your expenses for the D or to just live on until you get your old life back.


yes you are actually right.. im keeping the ring.. just incase..


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

alm28 said:


> then how am i suppose to leave him and tell him the reasons im leaving???


While he is at work, pack a big suitcase of things you need. You can go back at another time for more with your mother, brother or cousins if you have them.

Take all your jewelry and valuables with you when you leave. Also take copies of your bank account info, so you can get out whatever is rightfully yours before he changes the passwords. Did you get cash for wedding gifts? It is 1/2 yours. You will need it.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Accept that. It is better than being 40, with a lot of children, your confidence ruined, your face bashed in, having had a lot of painful sexual experiences, trapped and now way to get out, and him having a lover or two on the side because he isn't into you anymore.
> 
> You will be 24, divorced and HAPPY!!!!!


24, divorced, happy... i wish I live in the western and that is going to be like that! GOSHH... thank you so much.. really. im glad I do this forum thing


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> While he is at work, pack a big suitcase of things you need. You can go back at another time for more with your mother, brother or cousins if you have them.
> 
> Take all your jewelry and valuables with you when you leave. Also take copies of your bank account info, so you can get out whatever is rightfully yours before he changes the passwords. Did you get cash for wedding gifts? It is 1/2 yours. You will need it.


good idea.
yes we have the money from wedding gift. but he put it all in his accounts, he said it is easier to pay for the house expenses like electricity, drivers, water, and groceries.. I dont want the money either. if he wants it the he can take it. im not gonna fuss about it,,


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

alm28 said:


> then how am i suppose to leave him and tell him the reasons im leaving???


You've already told him how you feel....for 24 days, right? Tell him to think back on those days. You don't have to tell him anything else. It will just open the door for him to blame you or to begin to try to win you back with lies.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> You've already told him how you feel....for 24 days, right? Tell him to think back on those days. You don't have to tell him anything else. It will just open the door for him to blame you or to begin to try to win you back with lies.


alright.. i'll do that..


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

alm28 said:


> then how am i suppose to leave him and tell him the reasons im leaving???


Just leave. Pack a bag, take any important things with you and leave the rest. Go to your parents house. Call him and tell him you've left him. Get the rest of your stuff later.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I think you should get an annulment, and go back home. And when your mum tells you I told you so, just say yes you did and now I need your help. You need to leave before he hurts you really bad, you need to leave before you get pregnant.


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## alm28 (Oct 27, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> alm28 said:
> 
> 
> > that is what i think it should feel like but i never had sex with him until i got married to him..
> ...


He told me he was dating 3 girls before me. And he had done it. And one of his ex is like the ultimate "sl*t" in town and he once did it also with a prostitute and he admot it to me that he watch porn everyday. Even there are times, several times that he wanted to watch porn while he's doing it with me...  

I did checked for STD and Thank God im clean from std's and HIV.. I did checked because ever since that, im having like a yeast infection and I got sore around my V.. But he said because this is the first time after Ive never done it in 2 years is like back being Virgin again.. I did once did it a long time ago with my first bf. And it's totally different. Like it's not sex it's making love. I feel something I felt love.. This time i just feel like he's using me to get his lust out. 

This morning I woke up, we did not talk. When he wanted to go to work, he hug me and kissing me and he did not say that he's sorry., i just stood there say nothing and looked away.. He told me to tell him if theres anything happen.. Then I just nodded and say bye. He told me "I love you, B" then I just STARED at him like giving "no u dont" look.. 

Now im about to call my mom.. Im not ready to tell her all this.. But I think I should.. Shouldnt I?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

alm28 said:


> Now im about to call my mom.. Im not ready to tell her all this.. But I think I should.. Shouldnt I?


Yes, it's time to tell her you're coming home.


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