# It's me... or her...



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Just a long-time issue about our sexual relationship, and would appreciate any insights you could offer....

Being in a LTR, we aren't as hot as we once were for each other. Understandable, of course. I seem to need the sex more than her; but while she's reluctant to get into it, she ends up enjoying sex (and often orgasming) once she gets into it.

The problem is this: either I climax, or she does.

Like the typical male, I lose all interest after I climax. (This is not selfishness, it's physiological.) I know it's unfair to her, because, like all males, I'm having more orgasms, even if I need to masturbate to finish occasionally.

The problem is that the most intense feeling is usually 4-7 minutes after getting into sex. If I don't control myself, I can easily climax in this window. And there's nothing left for her.

Like most women, she would take more time to cum. Which is not a problem for me, since I consider myself to be a giver, and also enjoy pleasuring her, or just getting the oxytocin high from touching her all over.

But once she climaxes, she too loses all interest. (Is this what most women feel?) She doesn't seem to believe that she can, or should, climax more than once. 

So how does one handle this? Coming simultaneously is not a possibility because of the time-gap in what each one takes to get charged.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

After she finishes, tell her to help a guy out or risk waking up with sticky hair.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Both of you need to learn to give as much as you recieve. Just because one sexual partner no longer desires an O doesn't mean that they get to leave the other one hanging.

If you lack interest after having an O, so what? Get her off anyway -- lots of other ways than PIV for that.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

My wife is 99% one and done. I have tried multiple ideas and still end up with the same result. It's really no problem because I can go as long as needed and wait for her to go first and I soon follow.
I hate to be a drug pusher, but I'm just telling the truth. Viagra will let you go longer. Also, citalopram helped in that area too.

What you want to do is be in complete control of your orgasm. Play with her, tease, and rock her world. Let her hang for as long as you want to. The key is control. 20 years of issues NOT being able to control was a bummer. Now it's just right.

LTR are not destined for luke warm sex. I am having the best sex of my life after 24 years being married. I shiit you not.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

marduk said:


> Both of you need to learn to give as much as you recieve. Just because one sexual partner no longer desires an O doesn't mean that they get to leave the other one hanging.
> 
> If you lack interest after having an O, so what? Get her off anyway -- lots of other ways than PIV for that.


I get her off very easily before I come. It's easy for me -- masturbating her, sex toys sometimes, or oral (she doesn't like this unless very charged).

But after that, as she loses interest, I've got to go solo myself.... which is not very enjoyable.

On the other hand, if I climax first, she would end up deprived.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sounds like you are both the problem. You say you are a giving lover yet once you are done you lose all interest, how does that make you a giving lover?
Many of your comments on this forum show you really don't have a positive view about sex or women, you seem very closed to the idea that women are sexual.

The statements you have made in your OP are from a different world to how things happen in our bedroom. eg.


> because, like all males, I'm having more orgasms,


 um no this is not like ALL males and certainly not how things are IME. Your rigid and ill informed ideas are part of the problem.

Maybe it is time for you both to seek some counselling.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Holland said:


> Sounds like you are both the problem. You say you are a giving lover yet once you are done you lose all interest, how does that make you a giving lover?


I don't know if it's only me, but the phenomenon of a man losing interest in sex has been fairly well documented. Or so I thought:

https://www.google.co.in/search?q=m...ent=ubuntu&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=122&ie=UTF-8


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Sounds like you are both the problem. You say you are a giving lover yet once you are done you lose all interest, how does that make you a giving lover?
> Many of your comments on this forum show you really don't have a positive view about sex or women, you seem very closed to the idea that women are sexual.
> 
> The statements you have made in your OP are from a different world to how things happen in our bedroom. eg. um no this is not like ALL males and certainly not how things are IME. Your rigid and ill informed ideas are part of the problem.
> ...


Yeah, ummm, I was going to say...not close to how it is in my house either.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

brownmale said:


> But once she climaxes, she too loses all interest. (Is this what most women feel?) She doesn't seem to believe that she can, or should, climax more than once.



You should (if you are not already) try being as gentle as possible to get her to reach orgasm in a very relaxed state and be careful that you are not rubbing or thrusting too vigorously in an attempt to make her reach orgasm faster. This will help her to continue enjoying stimulation after an orgasm as opposed to it feeling irritable. 

Another approach is the game of erotic sexual denial in which you both avoid orgasm during PIV. People who practice this technique make love for extended periods of time and then put it on "pause" until they are ready to resume again (perhaps a day or two later). Lovemaking this way will take the focus away from orgasm, and give you an opportunity to learn more about each other. 

If all else fails and you want to try to approach this problem from the opposite direction... Get a vibrator that is an Hitachi or one just as strong. This may possibly demonstrate to your wife that for women the first orgasm is when she is "just getting started" and the best is yet to come! (pun intended). But as with all lovemaking techniques keep in mind that variety is the spice of life and that you should never overdo one technique.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

YOu both need to learn how to give and not check out once you got yours. Besides, if you keep going, you might get to pop the cork again...maybe.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

brownmale said:


> Like the typical male, I lose all interest after I climax.


Count me as one who is soooooo glad not to be with what you are calling a "typical male".


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Frankly, both of you sound like lazy and/or selfish lovers.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

I don't get it. OK, you're not hungry after dinner, but you can still lick the plate clean...


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I get that you don't want more orgasms after you've had one. But I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the rest of this.

Do you two feel that sexual contact is pointless without it ending in another orgasm for you?

Why can't you finish each other with oral or hands?

I find I can go for longer if my O is taken care of first. It's easier for me to be selfless if I'm satisfied and not still chasing my O.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

brownmale said:


> I don't know if it's only me, but the phenomenon of a man losing interest in sex has been fairly well documented. Or so I thought:
> 
> https://www.google.co.in/search?q=m...ent=ubuntu&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=122&ie=UTF-8


Many men do but that doesn't make them giving lovers. You still have hands and a mouth if you're out of steam and she needs to keep going.

Same with her. So when she Os- is it during PIV?
So if you finish in 4-5 minutes, you just stop and sex is done.
But if you focus and stop yourself you can do PIV for longer than that but then as soon as she Os sex is done?

How long would it take you to finish after she has during PIV? 

I think you should each take turns Oing first. 
So about half the time you finish after 4-5 minutes but then continue to pleasure her until she is done and about half the time you do PIV until she Os and then continues to pleasure you until you have. 

There shouldn't be a noticeable difference in the amount of orgasms each partner is having.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NoSizeQueen said:


> chasing my O.












@NoSizeQueen you should not be *chasing* your O. You should try being super cool and just let it be!


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Oh Santa, I wish it was that easy for me! I know it's all in my head, just haven't figured out what to do about it yet.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Let me discuss a slightly different approach for the OP.

First, it is a rare couple where the H and W have equal sexual desire levels. Usually one or the other has a higher desire level HD. Second, there is nothing wrong with taking turns as long as both get what they need.

In my case I am more HD than my W. That means that sometimes she has absolutely no desire to have sex, except to show me she loves me and hold me while I orgasm. 

I always try to arouse my W and bring her to a good toe curling orgasm. Sometimes after getting aroused, she will just pull me on top of her as she wants to pleasure me. It took a while, but I know it is both what she wants and what our marriage needs. So equal isn't always the right thing to do.

The rest of the time, I do bring her to orgasm. After she orgasms, I don't know if it is that she looses interest in or if she just has an overwhelming need to feel me inside her as soon as the orgasmic contractions stop. She has made it pretty clear to me that when she climaxes she wants to feel me insider her and wants to pleasure me. After I climax, she wants to cuddle and fall asleep.

The OP might want to be less concerned about who comes first and just figure out how each of them gets what they need. It doesn't have to be the same every time. It can be sharing who gets to climax on what night or improvising based on what they each feel.

I wish him and his W luck and this shouldn't be a huge problem to resolve.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Thanks for this. Really useful tips. Appreciate! 



Young at Heart said:


> Let me discuss a slightly different approach for the OP.
> 
> First, it is a rare couple where the H and W have equal sexual desire levels. Usually one or the other has a higher desire level HD. Second, there is nothing wrong with taking turns as long as both get what they need.
> 
> ...


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