# Romance on a Budget



## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

My wife and I had a long talk this weekend about our marriage, sex life, intimacy etc... and we've come to the conclusion that our marriage is lacking romance. We've been happily and faithfully married for 6 going on 7 years, have two small kids, she's a stay at home mom, I work a normal 9-5er and we have a great partnership as far as the household duties go. It's taken some time but we've grown to learn each other expectations. But within the past few years we've had this growing problem of romance. We're beginning to feel more like roommates who care about each other than husband and wife. We're aware of the problem and we want to fix it. We both agree that we need more romance, but I don't know what she wants when it comes to romance and I told her that yesterday. What is it you think would be romantic and she couldn't answer... so my question is... on a budget (not because I'm cheap but because we're living payday to payday with little extra money coming in) what are some romantic ideas? If I could afford it, I'd drape her in diamonds, wine and dine every weekend, whisk her away on a romantic adventure somewhere, make sure she's got fresh flowers every Monday morning... But, I've already gotten the following suggestions:

Hidden love notes around the house that she'll find

Go for a drive just the two of us

Random text messages/emails etc - which I already do

Date night at home - which we did and we both sat there asking the other one, what do you want to do, I dunno, what do you want to do? 

Our bathtub is too small for two people to take a tub, it's the original tub from when the house was built in the 50's...

What are some other ideas? What are some other romantic gestures?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

All your ideas are about romancing HER. What is she willing to do? Anything?

Without some radical changes on your part you're not going to fix this on your own.


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## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> All your ideas are about romancing HER. What is she willing to do? Anything?
> 
> Without some radical changes on your part you're not going to fix this on your own.


I'm one of those guys that doesn't need very much romance... I just want her to willingly show up naked once in while... lol I'm a simple creature. 

What's wrong with wanting to romance her anyway?! Isn't that what we're supposed to do?!

..and what do you mean by radical changes?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mchalliar said:


> I'm one of those guys that doesn't need very much romance... I just want her to willingly show up naked once in while... lol I'm a simple creature.
> 
> What's wrong with wanting to romance her anyway?! Isn't that what we're supposed to do?!
> 
> ..and what do you mean by radical changes?


Okay that's what I thought. You're trying to romance her into giving you more sex. Did she agree to this or is it wishful thinking on your part?

Hate to be cynical but I've read this story countless times on TAM. You can't 'nice' your wife into wanting more sex with you. In fact it usually backfires.

Radical involves doing the exact OPPOSITE of what you think will work. She's likely taking you for granted so the cure is to do LESS not more.


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## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Okay that's what I thought. You're trying to romance her into giving you more sex. Did she agree to this or is it wishful thinking on your part?
> 
> Hate to be cynical but I've read this story countless times on TAM. You can't 'nice' your wife into wanting more sex with you. In fact it usually backfires.
> 
> Radical involves doing the exact OPPOSITE of what you think will work. She's likely taking you for granted so the cure is to do LESS not more.


What's wrong with wanting sex for being a good husband and dad? 

She said "you can't expect me to want to have sex the minute we get the chance if we haven't had any build up to it." We had the house to ourselves ALL DAY yesterday which never happens. We had been flirty all day, she flashed me a couple times, I playfully depantsed her, I dropped hints about it all day and then when I went it for it she got all pissed. 

So that's what lead into our discussion about romance... she wants romance but doesn't know what she wants. So I'm at a loss.... and if I should do LESS for her that's just gonna backfire too. She appreciates me and appreciates the what I do to help out but I'd like some reward, other than a pat on the back.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mchalliar said:


> What's wrong with wanting sex for being a good husband and dad?
> 
> So I'm at a loss.... and if I should do LESS for her that's just gonna backfire too. She appreciates me and appreciates the what I do to help out but I'd like some reward, other than a pat on the back.


There is nothing wrong with wanting sex but the problem is she doesn't want it.

The reason she has no specific instructions for you is because she's hoping to send you on a wild goose chase to distract you from the real problem. It's an excuse and she doesn't have the backbone to say it out loud.

Now I have no idea why she doesn't want sex with you. What I do know is continuing to meet her needs while she doesn't meet yours is rewarding bad behavior. She doesn't change because she doesn't have to. You support her, pay all her bills, help out and she doesn't have to lift a finger.

The cure is to STOP being so nice. She isn't meeting your needs so you don't meet hers. Read Married Mans Sex life and he will explain it better than I can. He also has a blog that is eye opening.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I commented on your other post 

Like I said there, the key is giving her intimacy WITHOUT expecting anything in return.

I was your wife at one point. Every touch, every kiss, I thought to myself "great, he wants sex". It was nice at first but it got old fast, and led to me thinking I was just a physical object only worthy of affection and intimacy when he wanted physical connection. So I never wanted sex in part because I didn't feel loved or appreciated.

Give her a backrub or a foot rub just because. Hold her hand. Kiss her or makeout without the clothes coming off. It means something.

Now, if you are doing all that and it really is leading nowhere, that may need to be a discussion. Like I mention above, that was only a part of the issue for us, and we're working through the other issues. But it really does have to be a two-way street, and she has to be working with you.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Every woman wants romance! I applaud you for taking this step. Some more ideas might be:
Moonlit walk
Hiking together
Pour her a bubble bath and wash her from head to toe
Massage
Paint her nails
Breakfast in bed
Whenever you go out bring back a little treat to let her know you were thinking of her. This is my favourite. Could be anything from a single rose/flower to a bottle of my favourite lemonade. Anything!



> You support her, pay all her bills, help out and she doesn't have to lift a finger.


Doesn't lift a finger? She is raising his children. How much would he be paying fir childcare without her? Plus the other things she might do? SAHM's do a lot thank you very much. My husband wouldn't be able to afford what I provide


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

FemBot said:


> Doesn't lift a finger? She is raising his children. How much would he be paying fir childcare without her? Plus the other things she might do? SAHM's do a lot thank you very much. My husband wouldn't be able to afford what I provide


I know she's raising his kids but she's forgetting she's a WIFE too.

She got pissed at him for wanting to have sex with her.

The nerve of her. 

Do you have sex with your husband?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I know she's raising his kids but she's forgetting she's a WIFE too.
> 
> She got pissed at him for wanting to have sex with her.
> 
> ...


She might be forgetting she's a wife but you made it sound like she "owed" him sex because she's a SAHM who gets everything handed to her. It sounds like all she is wanting is a little more romance before she jumps into bed and as a woman myself, romance is key to feeling like having sex.

And yes sir I DO have sex with my husband. He wouldn't be able to afford me in that department either


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> It sounds like all she is wanting is a little more romance before she jumps into bed and as a woman myself, romance is key to feeling like having sex.


Here is his quote:



> We had the house to ourselves ALL DAY yesterday which never happens. We had been flirty all day, she flashed me a couple times, I playfully depantsed her, I dropped hints about it all day and then when I went it for it *she got all pissed*.
> 
> So that's what lead into our discussion about romance... she wants romance but *doesn't know what she wants*.


She's being passive aggressive. It's not about needing more romance.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I bet he could buy her a dozen roses, wine and dine her and do all those nice things and she'd still get pissed when he wanted to have sex.

What ultimately needs to happen is he needs to find out WHY the sex stopped or slowed in the first place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mchalliar said:


> What's wrong with wanting sex for being a good husband and dad?
> 
> She said "you can't expect me to want to have sex the minute we get the chance if we haven't had any build up to it." We had the house to ourselves ALL DAY yesterday which never happens. We had been flirty all day, she flashed me a couple times, I playfully depantsed her, I dropped hints about it all day and then when I went it for it she got all pissed.
> 
> So that's what lead into our discussion about romance... she wants romance but doesn't know what she wants. So I'm at a loss.... and if I should do LESS for her that's just gonna backfire too. She appreciates me and appreciates the what I do to help out but I'd like some reward, other than a pat on the back.


Start with the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It will explain a lot of what each of you needs.

The reason one day of flirting does not work is that it feels like all you were after was sex. 

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week doing date like things together, just the two of you, to build the romantic connection that is required for a passionate marriage.

That usually means a couple of hours every evening after the children are in bed and then one or two longer dates on the weekends.

Now these dates, even the long ones can be in-home dates.

You say that you tried an in home date and the two of you did not even know what to do or what to say to each other. HUGE red flag telling you how broken your relationship is.

So what do you do? You put the work into figuring out how to make the next one go better. It might sound corny but using conversation starters is a really good idea. I've used them before and it works.

There are websites and books with conversation starters. I have a few books. What we did was to take turns. One person picks a question and the other answers it. The asking person answers the question. You two take turns asking questions. Usually the conversations takes off and it can take a long time to finish even one question.

Here are just a few from a Google search for "conversation starters lovers"

Romantic Questions For Couples – 10 Conversation Starters to Get the Romance Flowing By Stacy Fox - The Cata Network Readers’ Lounge

30 Questions for Couples to Keep the Spark Alive - Lovepanky

Romantic Questions to Ask Your Lover


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mchalliar said:


> What's wrong with wanting sex for being a good husband and dad?
> 
> She said "you can't expect me to want to have sex the minute we get the chance if we haven't had any build up to it." We had the house to ourselves ALL DAY yesterday which never happens. We had been flirty all day, she flashed me a couple times, I playfully depantsed her, I dropped hints about it all day and then when I went it for it she got all pissed.
> 
> So that's what lead into our discussion about romance... she wants romance but doesn't know what she wants. So I'm at a loss.... and if I should do LESS for her that's just gonna backfire too. She appreciates me and appreciates the what I do to help out but I'd like some reward, other than a pat on the back.


She, like most men and women do does not know what is missing. She just knows that something is missing.

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" guide a couple through the discussion that's needed to find out what each of you needs and how to get.

From what you have said so far, I think it's a good guess that she's missing mostly non-sexual intimacy. Most women seem to have a much higher need for this than many men do.

So for starters...

"His Needs, Her Needs"

Come up with conversation starters and plan another in-home date, or a date at the park.. and fill her need for nonsexual intimacy.

And another good book: “1001 Ways to be Romantic” by Gergory Godek.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In the book no more mr nice guy he recommends men give up pursuing their wives for sex for a period of 6 months. Back off and learn to connect in other ways. These covert contracts of giving to get sex never work.

Good post EleGirl.


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## Senior Citizen (Jul 25, 2013)

I love that you are looking for ways to romance your wife.......good for you! My favorite saying is...Making love to your wife begins the moment she walks in the door.......way before you go in the bedroom. It is expensive to eat out.......but maybe a date for a drink.....or dessert. Fresh flowers from the garden. Compliment her for anything she does for you....or when she cleans up before a date. Buy her favorite perfume.......set up a spa day for her....babysit and allow her to go out.....do the dishes


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Candles on the table & set place settings for two.
Then make her a normal dinner...


Massage time special just for relaxing massage. After kids are in bed... Rub time without expect sex time.

Bake her a cake or some cookies.

Pull out old pics of yoursleves & make a mini scrapbook.. that you can sit down & "Take a trip down memory lane" with her.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I've found that returning to the things that he and I did when were dating helps to reignite the flame that we had when the relationship was new. Playing cards, cuddling and listening to some of our favorite songs, playing some of our favorite boardgames, going for drives, going out for drinks and dessert after having dinner at home...

Just some ideas.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Kudos to you for wanting to put a little romance back into the marriage. Here's some economical ideas:

~A day trip to the beach
~A walk & picnic in the park. (Includes a bottle of wine, some cheese, crackers & grapes)
~Go to a beautiful setting and do a photo shoot of each other. See how each of you see and capture one another on film.
~A local winery for a wine tasting
~Take a cooking class together or a dance class.
~An evening at a local carnival or fair (share a cotton candy)
~A game of strip poker ( after the kids are in bed)
~A trip to a gourmet coffee house and share a dessert

I hope some of these help! Most of all, make sure your confidence and smile are beaming whatever you do. Go get her Tiger! :smthumbup:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And the mating dance continues...

I agree with Mavash on this one...


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I bet he could buy her a dozen roses, wine and dine her and do all those nice things and she'd still get pissed when he wanted to have sex.
> 
> What ultimately needs to happen is he needs to find out WHY the sex stopped or slowed in the first place.


I've seen this pattern as well..

Give her everything she asks for... and she'll just move the goal post!


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

My wife likes nature and animals. She loves a picnic or small meal at the park. We feed birds, squirrels, and such, but she loves to feed the ducks and geese. Too her this is a romantic date.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

hambone said:


> I've seen this pattern as well..
> 
> Give her everything she asks for... and *she'll just move the goal post*!


Yep.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

"The reason she has no specific instructions for you is because she's hoping to send you on a wild goose chase to distract you from the real problem. It's an excuse and she doesn't have the backbone to say it out loud.

Now I have no idea why she doesn't want sex with you. What I do know is continuing to meet her needs while she doesn't meet yours is rewarding bad behavior. She doesn't change because she doesn't have to. You support her, pay all her bills, help out and she doesn't have to lift a finger.

The cure is to STOP being so nice. She isn't meeting your needs so you don't meet hers. Read Married Mans Sex life and he will explain it better than I can. He also has a blog that is eye opening"

Isnt this the truth!! I lived this. My AxW would constantly do this to keep me preoccupied. She would never discuss any of her real issues. I was always expected to read her mind, and when I didnt get it right, her resentment in me grew. Instead, she satisfied herself with multiple PA's.


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