# My sister wants to marry and its causing problems.



## rosem (Apr 11, 2010)

My sister has been with someone from a different culture for a few years and my parents have been accepting of it.

Recently my sister and her boyfriend have decided they want to get married. My sisters boyfriend has attempted to talk to my dad about it but my dad wants to act like nothing is happening and has been ignoring it.
Its been causing awful arguments between my parents, Ive heard my mum bringing up some really nasty things to my dad that have nothing to do with the situation.
She has been really confrontational so my dad has been closing up more and more and is now barely talking.
I spoke to my mum and told her to try calmly asking my dad why he is so worried and upset about the situation but she just shouts at him telling him to deal with it.

I feel so awkward, its not my place to ask my dad about these things, I know for sure he wouldnt want to open up or break down in front of me.
My dad becomes defensive in front of my sister and acts like he doesnt care when I know it really upsets him.
My mums the person who should be talking to him and understanding whatever his worries are, but she just shouts at him.

I know we all just want each other to be happy but its not happening.
Part of me feels that culture might be the issue for my dad because he is worried about difficult situations that might come up in the future especially if they had children. 
I also think that he is having trouble dealing with the fact that me and my sister have grown up and are going to start our own lives.
It makes me so sad thinking about this because if he could just talk to someone about it he would understand that he isnt the only one who goes through these things, but he doesnt have anyone to talk to.

I dont know what Im supposed to do so Ive just been staying out of the situation but I hate seeing my family like this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

rosem said:


> I dont know what Im supposed to do so Ive just been staying out of the situation but I hate seeing my family like this.


staying out of it, although hard, is the best thing you can do. i have had many rifts in my family and at first i tried to be the one to make things better. but you have to step back and let them go through their trials their own way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you could ask each of them to write a letter telling how they feel.


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## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

I would stay out of it, hard as it may be to watch what is happening. 

The fact is, your sister will marry if she wants to, with or without your parents blessing. How your parents deal with that is their problem, not yours. 

I remarried someone form England, and as unexotic as that is, it STILL caused and causes a rift with my parents. and I'm 40 years old! For a short time the whole thing was driving me crazy, until I realized that my own happiness comes first, and that I am not responsible for how others feel about my decision.

Keep in mind that parents often have dreams of how their children's lives will turn out. When the reality is different, parents often go through mourning as they let go of those dreams. Give your parents the space they need to come to terms with things.


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## rosem (Apr 11, 2010)

turnera thats a really nice idea, its the kind of thing I would do when I cant talk to people to get out how I feel. I know my family wouldnt do it though. Thank you anyway.

Blanca and Q*bert thank you for your comments. I know staying out of it is the only thing I can do. I just feel a bit helpless. 
I think you are both right in saying that its something they have to deal with themselves but I just feel shouting and arguing is the wrong way to do it.

Q*bert what you said is the best way anyone could have put it. I dont think its that they have a problem, I think its just not what they dreamed of for my sisters future. 
I know she could marry with or without their blessing and Im also quite sure they will accept this. I just feel that she wants to marry with their blessing and for it not to be something thats accepted because it has to be but for everyone to genuinely be happy about.


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## savevsdeath (Nov 9, 2010)

While normally I would agree with others who say 'stay out of it', might i recommend that your sister might appreciate having some backup? I have experienced this very issue in the past; i am black and my wife is a caucasian woman from rural Virginia. Ironically it was my family that had a problem with her at first, but thanks to some support from a good portion of my relatives they gave her a chance and eventually found that they really loved her.

Your sister needs you, so support her and do it because it's the right thing to do. Anyone who tries to give you a hard time for it needs to be put in thier place too, and you would be well within your rights to do so.


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