# Wife Cheated... don't know how to deal with this



## Husband of 4 (May 20, 2010)

Hello, I am 30 and have been married for 13 years. In that time I have been lucky enough to fathered four children with my wife. However my life seems to have been a lie for many years due to what I have found out recently. Deep down I have always known that my wife had had an affair with a guy that used to drive her home from work, but she had always denied it until recently. It turns out that seven years ago she started an affair with this guy, they would drive round the back of a local park and make out, this went on for a month... or so I have been told. Not sure if I totally believe this but that all I have been told. This apparently stopped for four years even though he still stayed in contact with her and drove her home most nights. Then one day she went to his place in a lunch break and had sex with him, while I was at home taking care of our four children. 

I only found out about this a few months ago after my wife moved out due to that fact I was tired of all the lies that I deep down felt she was telling. After a few weeks of her not living with me a the children I asked her to be totally honest with me or I couldnt even see us staying as friend, which she came clean or so she says about this affair. I know it sound like I dont believe her but sadly it doesnt ring true for me, over a four to five year period to only be intimate a hand full of times and have sex with him only once sounds wrong.

Having the children (I have been a househusband for 8 years) with me after I found out made things a little easier, but at night the images of what she had done did and still do haunt me. I am not saying I was a perfect but I am not a bad guy, I did everything I could do to make my wife happy. I knew things werent great after a few months of marriage when my wife spent a night at her sisters and ended up making out with a guy there and it does seem like she isnt fully happy with me as things like this seem to happen with her every few years. Which I have forgiven and tried to build a new each time.

However now it is different and this is why I am asking for advice. My wife has now moved back in for a few reasons. The biggest is that I children want there Mum back living with them and I can't keep saying no to them, it breaks my heart to see them sad. The second is that my wife has decided to see a councilor to work out why she does what she does and has changed her job so she can have more time with this children. Which while she worked in her previous job she only saw them probably three hours a day max. The third reason is, my eldest son has just be diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and every doctor says they need a stable home life. So I must do this for them, but I cant stop feeling and see the betrayal and I dont know how to coup. I see everything she has done with this guy and its ripping me apart. I don't feel inlove with my wife anymore and can't trust her, she doesnt seem to be able to be there for me when Im down from this and seems to think I should be over it by now. Any help please would be grateful as I need some kind words.... thank you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Now that she is able to spend more time with the kids, you need to get a little self determination and probably start working. 2 reasons. 1 self respect. 2 the ability to provide for yourself and your children, should the marriage not work out. Your wife is a serial cheater. But her attitude is the most troubling. Why? Because no one gets over IT until YOU get over it. Your wife did this because since she is the bread winner, she felt she was entitled to do it. Its the golden rule. The one who makes the gold, makes the rules. You need to not act angry with her. You need to get a job. You need to be the best person you can be for your kids and you. Then you need to decide. Can I live with what she has done. If you can, great, put it behind you. If you can't then divorce her and find someone who can be true. But you must work, so you have options. Either that or divorce her and go for alimony and child support. Work is better though. If you can't find anything, go back to school, or learn a trade. *Think about this. The more you empower yourself, the better you will feel about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more attractive you are. I can guarantee, the more empowered you are, the more contrite your wife will be over what she has done.*


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why do all of them only admit to "once" at first every time?

Why does only doing it once make it better?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Why do all of them only admit to "once" at first every time?
> 
> Why does only doing it once make it better?


Its easier to say "oh, that was a mistake"

It wouldn't be a mistake if you were doing it a hundred times now would it?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> Its easier to say "oh, that was a mistake"
> 
> It wouldn't be a mistake if you were doing it a hundred times now would it?


:iagree:

And it usually seems to work most of the time. How many times have we seen a BH/BW post here that they believe their spouse made a mistake or was caught up in the moment? Since I've been here, I've read the most incredible lies. 

There was a story here where the WW while attending a charity event, decided to have sex with her OM in a restroom stall. After he stuck his penis in, the WW felt guilty and told him to stop so he did. 

Then there's the usual, the WW/WH check into the hotel, start having sex, then stop because they feel guilty. Either that, or they just claim to have hugged their AP. 

Now there's one where they're in a pickup and the WW catches herpes from OM after he's been inside her for all of 10 seconds because she stops because she feels guilty. 

Heck there's a WW who had a 15 year affair with the OM, gave birth to the OM's daughter, then told the poster that they ONLY had sex once a month because the sex was no good and she felt guilty. Of course, the poster felt the OM took advantage of her and victimized her. 

Husband of 4 is yet another SAHD who posted and ran. He hasn't been here in 2 years.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

LM, we all go through that phase of denial it could be just a few moments or a few days or months or maybe forever, but whats disappointing to see is that people would rather look the other way even when there's overwhelming evidence staring at them.

I attribute it to the fact that we're still hooked to the person who was around before the affair. its fairly easy to justify things based on previous history.Its hard for a lot of folks to acknowledge that the person we knew is dead. The one who's been deceiving us is a stranger. I think this is a cruel trick our mind plays just assuage our fears and possibly minimize the effects and the pain.

One of the qualities I picked up after coming to the realization that my wife was having an affair was to play out each and every decision or scenario in third person. Its probably the only way that a BS can make decisions given that a there's a jumble of random thoughts that are going through his/her mind.

This is easier said than done of course, especially when you know that its your own movie you're watching in your head.

In the end it comes down to whether or not you can detach yourself emotionally from the situation to look at ways of staying on top of it. And this is bound to occur when there is an *acceptance* of the situation.

So essentially what your mind is doing is leading you around in circles. To rid yourself off the pain you need to overcome the problem, To overcome the problem you need to accept that it exists, To accept the problem you need to detach emotionally, you can't seem to detach emotionally because you're trying to deny that the problem exists. your mind is only doing this in an effort to minimize the pain. See what I tell you?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Having the children (I have been a househusband for 8 years)


Oh boy... Forget what you hear on TV. Forget about politically correct new age infected BS. You've been emasculated. In spite of what is trendy to say these days women don't respect men that can't make it in society, gathering resources one way or the other. 

She repeatedly cheated on you, and you should assume you're only hearing a little bit of truth. You need to start working on yourself.


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