# SAHD / Woman in the Workplace



## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I saw a thread in CWI touching on this, but I wanted to get some other women's opinions.

The thread (paraphrasing) said basically women don't respect their partners when they don't have a job, that a man staying home vs. a woman staying home leads to resentment and lack of respect in a relationship.

Right now I am the primary breadwinner. My husband is a full-time college student. I will admit to occasionally wishing he still had a job, as the cut in income did hurt our finances a bit, but never a loss of attraction or respect.

What about you ladies? What do you think?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

No, it's the a choice you make as a family and sometimes a choice forced on by unemployment or illness. Plus in your case you're making a sacrifice as a family for a better future. I been there I can tell you it pays off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Over the long term, it's an attraction killer. I believe that people, both male and female want to be supportive of this dynamic, but it just doesn't pan out.

Logically it makes sense. Unfortunately I don't believe we function out of logic.

I don't believe that being a SAHD is unmanly, or emasculating. Being a good father, leader, and role-model is something every dad should strive for.

But ... the moment it impacts the dynamic with your spouse and how she feels about and responds to you, then that changes the picture. And in my experience with those that I know who have boldly embarked on this gender neutral experiment; it has always been for the worse.

I've said it before, I didn't choose to get married to raise kids. I got married to be with my wife. That relationship and dynamic is the lynch-pin for how the family functions.

Over the short term, we do what we must. But as a long term arrangement, I have seen the SAHD recipe end numerous marriages ... particularly resulting in tremendous lack of respect and inevitable infidelity.

All my personal opinion and experience. Your mileage may vary.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I would agree with you Deejo, that if (using my case as an example) my husband weren't in school and had no tangible ambitions to get a job or do anything besides sit around my house I'd be mad.

I think I would disagree with one caveat: I think the SAH spouse can work IF the spouse is bettering themselves in some way. Whether that's a wife joining a book club or a husband taking a boxing class. To me, as long as the other spouse is doing something other than sitting at home, it helps get rid of those feelings of "well all they do is sit around at home all day".

But that may vary couple to couple.

Thank you both for your responses! I just wanted to get an idea of what people thought and why.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

It depends on the needs of the family and what is agreeable to them.

My son is in seminary full- time, his wife is a teacher. My daughter is a SAHM which pisses me off to no end, but I say nothing. 

When we first got married, my salary was much higher then H's, now he out earns me by a mile.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm not married and my income alone would barely be enough to support a SAHM and kids so.............

I would want to marry a woman who has her sh*t together. We would figure out childcare (preferably grandparents if they are nearby). 

A woman who saves, has a job, knows how to handle money is actually a huge turn on. You know she is with you for you and not so I can support her.

I think that men who are turned off by accomplished/put together "career women" are crazy. I think they bring so much more to the table.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I would agree with you Deejo, that if (using my case as an example) my husband weren't in school and had no tangible ambitions to get a job or do anything besides sit around my house I'd be mad.


My wife's cousin had to divorce her SAHD. No job, did the very minimum at home and spent most of the time at cafes/bars. She worked 60+ hours a week and still had to do plenty of house work. And it was him who really wanted children in the first place.

OK, he made not be representative, he was an ass.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My son's father quit his job as an electrical engineer. He had an MS in EE. He went to medical school. I was supportive of his choice and was the sole support of the family until he got out of medical school. My respect for him never declined because he was not working. Now there were problems in that he had no respect for me.. he cheated all through medical school and residency. We divorced due to cheating and him being emotionally and physically abusive.

A few years after that divorce I married a guy with a good career. two years into the marriage he lost his job due to a layoff. that was in 2002. He has never worked again. I have lost all respect for him because all he has done all these years is play computer comes. I did divorce him 3/2013. But he still will not get a job and I need to toss him out. If he does not wake up one of these days he will be living on the street.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Thank you for your responses, Charlie and EleGirl!

I think you both touched on what I was saying/thinking - as long as a person isn't being stagnant (laying around the house all day) there is no need to lose respect. I believe that if we are lazy in our day-to-day lives we are likely to be lazy with our relationships, which is what leads to that lack of respect. So if a person, irregardless of gender, is always striving to better themselves, I believe that will flow into their work in the relationship.

tamph, you bring up an interesting point. What if you married a girl who was a "career woman", well put-together, independent, etc., and after marriage she says she wants to take a couple years off for the children? Does that make her no longer "have her sh!t together" in your eyes?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

To be clear, in the cases I'm familiar with, it wasn't a matter of dad was going to school so mom worked. 

It was the Mr. Mom thing. Dad was responsible for kids and household, mom brought home the bacon ... and often still felt compelled to criticize or comment on his home-making and parenting abilities. 

I think both genders are guilty of the, "So what exactly do you do with your day?" when evaluating the efficiency of the stay at home spouse.

My wife didn't cook. I'd come home and cook. She slacked on the house keeping front, and when given responsibility for our finances, ended up costing us an average at the time an extra 80 bucks a month in late or overdraft fees.

Yeah that kind of stuff is going to breed resentment regardless of who's doing it.

I don't think that Stay at Homes are by default, lazy, by any stretch of the imagination.

Just a bad combination.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> tamph, you bring up an interesting point. What if you married a girl who was a "career woman", well put-together, independent, etc., and after marriage she says she wants to take a couple years off for the children? Does that make her no longer "have her sh!t together" in your eyes?


Of course not. She's already proven her abilities. We would have a talk about it like rational adults and figure something out.

It's the fact that you were chosen by a woman who doesn't NEED you (financially) that allows you to be more confident that she WANTS you.

Even more important than working mom vs SAHM is how she handles money. I want a woman who is as conservative with money and avoids debt like the plague just like I do.

I want a SMART woman.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Ah, I see your point now!

Fiscal responsibility is an important factor in a relationship as well. I wonder if this is another part of the loss of respect...that is, the SAH spouse isn't trying to better themselves, and sits at home bored, so they spend money to occupy themselves/are less fiscally responsible...which leads to resentment and eventually loss of respect by their partner.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Hmmm he's in college so eventually he will work right? I don't see this as the same as being a lazy bum unwilling to work. That's an attraction killer in my mind. Being a SAHD is also work so again wouldn't bother me.

I know a couple where the dad stays at home (to take care of twins) but he's very "manly" as well. Has renovated their house, has a very good physique that he works on etc. not an attraction killer.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Over the long term, it's an attraction killer. I believe that people, both male and female want to be supportive of this dynamic, but it just doesn't pan out.


I agree!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I support SO in most things but I fear I'd be one of those people who would lose respect/attraction if we had children and he stayed home.It would be sweet and admirable for a while but it would wear off eventually.I wouldn't be happy to leave my job to stay home so that may have something to do with how I'd feel if he ever did that.
I make more than he makes currently but I still respect him.

It's a weird mix of reasons/feelings.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I support SO in most things but I fear I'd be one of those people who would lose respect/attraction if we had children and he stayed home.It would be sweet and admirable for a while but it would wear off eventually.I wouldn't be happy to leave my job to stay home so that may have something to do with how I'd feel if he ever did that.
> I make more than he makes currently but I still respect him.
> 
> It's a weird mix of reasons/feelings.


Exactly! I don't really know about 'regular' unemployment/illness. I haven't thought about that. But the SAHD thing, I just don't see that working in my relationship (current or previous). I really want to support it but I think I would lose some attraction. Total double standard.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

greenfern said:


> Exactly! I don't really know about 'regular' unemployment/illness. I haven't thought about that. But the SAHD thing, I just don't see that working in my relationship (current or previous). I really want to support it but I think I would lose some attraction. Total double standard.


yes,it's a double standard for me too and that's the part I don't like.Thankfully it will never be a real issue.
I feel if he was ill or injured and unable to work it would be different.It's beyond his choice or control so has nothing to do with my respect for him.

I'd like to be sunshiney and perfect always supporting my man in all his choices but with things like being a sahd,I know I couldn't handle that dynamic.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Too much of an over-generalization to respond to.

If the man is in school getting a degree, then he's making himself marketable and will hopefully have a job before long.

If the man is temporarily a SAHD because the wife is the main breadwinner, but plans to get back to work, then I can't see how a wife should lose respect for that.

If the man is actively looking for a job but simply can't get one because of the economy, his field, his education, then that is something that i HOPE a wife doesn't lose respect for him over. If she does then she's a selfish biatch. She should be supporting him as much as she can to help find him employment.

If the man is not employed but is active doing things that matter--taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, the property, dealing with bills, community work, taking care of himself, etc. etc., then again, he's active and not a lazy bum. 

If the man is just lazy, then yeah, I'd lose respect for them too.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> It depends on the needs of the family and what is agreeable to them.
> 
> My son is in seminary full- time, his wife is a teacher. *My daughter is a SAHM which pisses me off to no end, but I say nothing. *
> 
> When we first got married, my salary was much higher then H's, now he out earns me by a mile.


May I ask why ?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think from what I've seen, it's the reversal of the roles that's a major attraction killer.

IMO, I think absolutely nothing is wrong with a man being a stay at home DAD, and being very manly about it. Keeping himself fit and continue doing manly stuff. 
It's the " Mr. Mom " thing that eventually turns wives off. 
The reversal of traditional gender roles.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> yes,it's a double standard for me too and that's the part I don't like.Thankfully it will never be a real issue.
> I feel if he was ill or injured and unable to work it would be different.It's beyond his choice or control so has nothing to do with my respect for him.
> 
> I'd like to be sunshiney and perfect always supporting my man in all his choices but with things like being a sahd,I know I couldn't handle that dynamic.


Well, at least you're honest. I think a lot of guys that choose the SAHD route end up divorced or in sexless marriages because their wives are too hesitant to tell them that they feel this way. Their wives may actually feel bad about imparting a double standard on their husband.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

This was on my mind constantly. My wife is currently paying for me to go back to school full time to get my bachelor's degree. I felt I had to work as well, pride I guess. Had a part time job during the day and a full time graveyard shift at a warehouse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Every couple is different.

I personally was married to a man who worked his a$$ off and I worked, too, two full-timer workers a nd this is probably a dynamic I got used to.

So to me it is odd, and I mean this personally, when a woman is the one working and the guy isn't... FOR ME.
Just beause of my own life experiences/how I grew up (the environment). My father was/is always the breadwinner in my family unit. 

Now with that said, one of my bff's--she has always worked and her husband SAHH (stay at home husband). They have a child now so he works and she is a SAHM. But I will say, her husband, before the child, kept the house super clean and is one of the best cooks I know. So it all depends on the individual contributation.

Would this dynamic work for me? Probably not. Because I am not used to it and have never lived it. I admit, I dated a guy who was having trouble finding work, didn't have a stable job, and it turned me off. Because I have always been a full-timer worker and would go to school, sometimes full-time too. It is what I am used to.

So... to each their own. If it works for your marriage, then that is great. 

One size doesn't fit all. 

I personally daydream of being able to never work but realize that is probably not going to happen to me, barring I win the lottery. Also, I am used to working so I would feel odd/restless w/o a job. It's all I know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think from what I've seen, it's the reversal of the roles that's a major attraction killer.
> 
> 
> It's the " Mr. Mom " thing that eventually turns wives off.
> The reversal of traditional gender roles.


It's probably an evolutionary thing too.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Well, at least you're honest. I think a lot of guys that choose the SAHD route end up divorced or in sexless marriages because their wives are too hesitant to tell them that they feel this way. Their wives may actually feel bad about imparting a double standard on their husband.


More thought on this made me realize it isn't a double standard for us bc I wouldn't expect him to be ok with me staying home.

It's more of an exception to my support clause  Being honest that my support has limitations.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think from what I've seen, it's the reversal of the roles that's a major attraction killer.
> 
> IMO, I think absolutely nothing is wrong with a man being a stay at home DAD, and being very manly about it. Keeping himself fit and continue doing manly stuff.
> It's the " Mr. Mom " thing that eventually turns wives off.
> The reversal of traditional gender roles.


I hear you, but honestly I think that most men that we think of as manly would never choose to be a SAHD. Their employment circumstances may have them in this role temporarily, but I can't fathom a manly man choosing to be a SAHD on purpose.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

barbados said:


> May I ask why ?


Sure...

A. We paid mega-bucks for her college degree. She doesn't use it....I want to see some ROI for that chunk of change.

B. She whines about the cost of daycare but manages to volunteer at her church during working hours while paying a sitter. Both girls are in school as of this week...it's time she got on the payroll somewhere.

C. She needs the income. I'm tried of bailing her out of financial screw-ups. She has the education and the skill-set to earn a good salary, but she plays Suzy Homemaker while I, her mother, get up at 4am, have a 2.5 hour commute, go to school myself, maintain a much larger home then she has, and my two youngest (her little brother and sister) are still in elementary school. But while she won't work, she expects her parents to help her out with bills. She went thru a nasty divorce from a real jerk...we helped then, understandably. Now, she's remarried and stable. Even her H told her she needs to find a real job.... Selling Mary Kay is a joke.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it totally depends on the situation and the attitude of the SAH Spouse.

In my situation, we don't need the income. If we did and she chose to not work, there might be an issue.

When our three kids were young, my wife had a more difficult job at home than I did at work. She managed to keep a clean house, always have meals ready and was a great parent. If she wasn't doing these things (or even most of them), there might be an issue.

Our kids are all grown now (two in college and one in grade twelve). My wife still stays busy with exercising and cleaning and cooking and shopping . We don't need more money. So again no issue, but if she was sitting around watching tv, getting fat and not providing meals, etc. then, there might be an issue.

It isn't about staying home, it is about what they are doing.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> Sure...
> 
> A. We paid mega-bucks for her college degree. She doesn't use it....I want to see some ROI for that chunk of change.
> 
> ...


Can't blame you for being pissed!


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think it totally depends on the situation and the attitude of the SAH Spouse.
> 
> In my situation, we don't need the income. If we did and she chose to not work, there might be an issue.
> 
> ...


I think the point is more that if the situation were reversed would the woman lose attraction for the man. I would vote, for the majority of women, no matter how clean their H kept the house & no matter how great a dad he is, they would be more attracted to him if he were not a SAHD.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

greenfern said:


> I think the point is more that if the situation were reversed would the woman lose attraction for the man. I would vote, for the majority of women, no matter how clean their H kept the house & no matter how great a dad he is, they would be more attracted to him if he were not a SAHD.


Though I would agree with you to some degree, there are an overwhelming amount of threads over in CWI that are from men who did provided everything for their wives financially and it still wasn't enough for those wives to not loose attraction and cheat on their husbands.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

greenfern said:


> I think the point is more that if the situation were reversed would the woman lose attraction for the man. I would vote, for the majority of women, no matter how clean their H kept the house & no matter how great a dad he is, they would be more attracted to him if he were not a SAHD.


I agree with you! 

I guess that means that women's lib and equality between the sexes hasn't come as far as many people think.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

barbados said:


> Though I would agree with you to some degree, there are an overwhelming amount of threads over in CWI that are from men who did provided everything for their wives financially and it still wasn't enough for those wives to not loose attraction and cheat on their husbands.


Yes this is definitely true. Treating someone well & providing for them also doesn't guarantee they will stay attracted to you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ele Hypothetical

Had he at least gotten a job making say 30K as a make do job what would you have thought?

The market for 40-50 something males is very very soft.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I think this has been a really interesting conversation so far! 

I agree that it is a highly personal question, and I also agree the question is vague. I left it vague on purpose. I wanted to see what people's thoughts were about the idea of the SAH spouse, irregardless of specific situation.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I think generally it will lessen attraction over the LONG term.

That is not to say a trade-off of schooling where say wife gets degree first gets good job then supports husband while he gets his degree would be an attraction killer.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> I think generally it will lessen attraction over the LONG term.
> 
> That is not to say a trade-off of schooling where say wife gets degree first gets good job then supports husband while he gets his degree would be an attraction killer.


This is my situation. And for the longest I felt I had to make my own money. My wife was the opposite of the norm I guess. She was resentful that I worked all the time and didn't need to.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Despite feminist movements tradition and society will also dictate that the man be well... A MAN

Aka; he must work, be a breadwinner etc. Even though women can nowadays be just as capable financially as men. It's a bit of a double standard really but can't be helped as society will need to take time to re-evaluate the traditional gender roles.

Personally, I wouldn't even be able to respect MYSELF if I was to stay at home while my wife is out there making money! Just like rockclimbing, if a man chickens out but a woman somehow manages to reach the top, then ALL MEN will HAVE to climb and reach the top as well. Our ballsacs demand it!!!

We have to be in the lead 
Sorry ladies


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Ele Hypothetical
> 
> Had he at least gotten a job making say 30K as a make do job what would you have thought?
> 
> The market for 40-50 something males is very very soft.


I married the husband I talked about here in 2000. His experience was in IT and mine is in Software engineering.

In 1996 I had divorced my son's father. I was 48 years old and unemployed. I was able to find a job in 30 days. It was not the best paying job but it was in software development. A couple of months later I was offered a much better job in at an engineering firm doing software. Over the ext 1.5 years I worked my way into the position of software manager for special projects with a team of 20. Then I was offered an even better job in another engineering. I've been with this 3rd company for 15 years now.

The job market is also very soft for women in their late 40's and 50's. 

My point is that you have to start somewhere to get back working. So if he found a job for 30K-40K.. sure why not. Then he can start working to get a promotion or to find another job.

What I left out in my earlier post is that invested a lot of money more than once over the last 10 years buying equipment, software, etc for him to start a business. I helped tried working with him too. But he never finished a project and eventually gave up.

I would be happy if he was super stay at home husband and our home was taken care of and ran like clockwork.

I am not happy to support a man who spends his life playing computer games.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Refuse to be played said:


> This is my situation. And for the longest I felt I had to make my own money. My wife was the opposite of the norm I guess. She was resentful that I worked all the time and didn't need to.


There has to be a balance. Most women would not be happy with a husband who works all the time even if he does not have to.

There needs to be a balance... time for work, time for wife , time for family and time for self.

If you were not spending enough time with your wife, why wouldn't she be upset?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> This is my situation. And for the longest I felt I had to make my own money. My wife was the opposite of the norm I guess. She was resentful that I worked all the time and didn't need to.


Yours is a prototype. Its a trade amongst spouses. I remember your story well and sorry I kinda agree with her at least as it applied to jobs 2 and 3. Job 1... I kinda get.

Now should you decide to play video games all day after graduation... Then again. I don't see that in you.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There has to be a balance. Most women would not be happy with a husband who works all the time even if he does not have to.
> 
> There needs to be a balance... time for work, time for wife , time for family and time for self.
> 
> If you were not spending enough time with your wife, why wouldn't she be upset?


Thats the thing though she never told me that she had a problem with how much I worked. And I made an effort to get in quality time when I could. When I didn't have work or had to study I would go to her office and hang out or take her to lunch. When I had a few hours before my night job I would nap with her on the couch while she watch tv, would lay my head in her lap most of the time. Then we always hang out together on the weekends.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Yours is a prototype. Its a trade amongst spouses. I remember your story well and sorry I kinda agree with her at least as it applied to jobs 2 and 3. Job 1... I kinda get.
> 
> Now should you decide to play video games all day after graduation... Then again. I don't see that in you. (I'm kind of doing that now since the semester hasn't started yet. Its boring as hell so that definetly won't be a problem long term )


I know...I get it now. In MC she said she was insulted. I wouldn't just let her return the favor. I felt not useless but weird not contributing. But all she had to do was say something I would've quit one or both of them. It was never my intent to hurt her or anything, I just felt weird with her making all the money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Refuse to be played said:


> Thats the thing though she never told me that she had a problem with how much I worked. And I made an effort to get in quality time when I could. When I didn't have work or had to study I would go to her office and hang out or take her to lunch. When I had a few hours before my night job I would nap with her on the couch while she watch tv, would lay my head in her lap most of the time. Then we always hang out together on the weekends.


Have you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs"? I think it would help you realize what happened.

How many hours a week did you spend with her doing date-like things, just the two of you.

Napping does not count because the two of you are not interacting. Everything that you describe you did with her is spur of the moment things... except the lunch. She was low on your priority list.

She did not tell you anything because she did not know what was going on with her. Most people do not understand that a relationship needs to be nurtured, that a couple has to meet each other needs, how to talk about it or how to go about it.

So their connection dies a slow death. And then, it's gone and they don't know that they can get it back. Or maybe by then they don't care enough to want to get it back.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Have you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs"? I think it would help you realize what happened.
> 
> How many hours a week did you spend with her doing date-like things, just the two of you.
> 
> ...


No I haven't read that book yet but will order it off amazon. We have done the love language quiz though and her's is quality time followed by physical touch. I see kind of see where I screwed up now.

It was mostly the weekend were we did date stuff. On friday nights before I went to work we would usually see a movie or go out to eat. Saturdays we just hang out together most of the day. She really was my best friend. We'd play video games, go to the mall, or hang out downtown usually. I would often take her to bars and clubs close to my campus and parties I'd get invited to. So we had fun still and our sex life didn't take a real hit, roughly 3-4 times a week. She would initiate some times and I rarely got turned down. 

I had mentioned the napping thing because she mentioned she liked that. I honestly thought things were okay. It never was my intention to make her feel like she wasn't a priority or I was ungrateful.

Sorry OP for threadjack


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

For me, personally, I wouldn't be able to respect my DH if he wasn't contributing to our family's well-being. I am the breadwinner in the family- I don't need him to make as much or more money than me. I do need him to bring in something though.

I know from experience that I can respect him when he is between jobs (he works per project), because he still works on our house, takes care of my mom/his mom/his sister's homes, does side jobs, etc. 

I also know from experience that he will do whatever he needs to do to make sure our family is OK financially, including taking jobs outside his career. 

Now, if he were sick/unable to work, I would be OK. But, if he were able but chose not to contribute, then I would lose respect for him. 

I would lose respect for him if he spent his entire unemployment sitting around, drinking beer, and watching TV all day (the first is OK though, I consider that a vacation for him!). 

Honestly, I do not think I would be able to respect him as a SAHD. We really don't need an At-Home parent. We have discussed pulling our son from day care during DH's times of unemployment, but have decided it would be our last resort. Our son goes to a great place, he is doing really well, and we both believe that he is better there than at home. We have the household stuff (mostly) resolved, with both of us working, so it would be unnecessary for someone to be at home to take care of it.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

greenfern said:


> I think the point is more that if the situation were reversed would the woman lose attraction for the man. I would vote, for the majority of women, no matter how clean their H kept the house & no matter how great a dad he is, they would be more attracted to him if he were not a SAHD.


My husband is a SAHD and not a very good one (he doesn't cook, rarely cleans and rarely helps with the kids (he spends a lot of time with them but doing stuff he wants to do, not taking them to practices or appointments, etc.). But I don't think I would feel any differently (i.e., be more attracted to him) if he worked outside the house. He takes good care of himself and we get to spend a lot of time together (I work from home). I think others had said this upthread, it's not just the staying at home, it's what he is doing with his time. If he's generally a lazy ass, it doesn't matter if he works or not (you can be lazy and still have a job!), I'm probably going to be resentful to the point of not feeling attracted to him anymore.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I loved my job when I was raising my children & did not want to quit.

I would have LOVED having a partner who stayed home with the children, cooked, cleaned, brought the children to school, picked them up, helped with homework, drove them to all of their extracurricular activities, to their doctor/dentist appointments, did most of the errands, pet care & all of the other million things good parents do.

A good SAHM is no different from a good SAHD. There is no harder job than being an SAH parent regardless of gender.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Almost every single SAHD I know, is divorced including my very own brother in law.
His is a tragic story.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I wonder how many of these SAHD/H situations are ones where the couple agreed that he be a SAHD/H and how many of them are ones where the husband ended up doing it because he became unemployed and then never found work again so being SAHD/H was a fall back.

Few of the SAHD/H situations I've read about were ones that were decided up mutually. And it seems to be few where the SAHD/H takes on full responsibility for the children and household.

I wonder if my observation is wrong.

I do know of some cases in my real life where it was a mutual decision and the husband is truly pulling his weight with the children and the home. Those have been going on for a long while and working pretty well. It's only three of them. But it does fit.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder how many of these SAHD/H situations are ones where the couple agreed that he be a SAHD/H and how many of them are ones where the husband ended up doing it because he became unemployed and then never found work again so being SAHD/H was a fall back.
> 
> Few of the SAHD/H situations I've read about were ones that were decided up mutually. And it seems to be few where the SAHD/H takes on full responsibility for the children and household.
> 
> ...


In my brothers case they made a mutual decision for him to quit & become a SAHD. They both had really good careers but my SIL was more work-minded & he felt stronger that someone should be with the kids. It took a while but he got totally into the SAHD thing and they just grew apart. Divorced now.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I would quickly lose attraction. But I get this attitude from my H. When he lost his job temporarily but his lawyer assure him he was going to get it back (he did) he still got a job delivery newspaper in the morning and cleaning offices at night. At the time we were still living in what we affectionate call the "roach motel" so the rent was cheap and we had no DEBT. So he still was contribute almost half to expense. So he could have wait to the outcome but he said he couldn't sit and watch me go to work and he not bring in something. 

So he set the bar high that he could not watch me work and he was not working. 

Admit I absolutely have the double standard going. I will be a SAHM after the baby is born but no way would I be ok with him being a SAHD.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder how many of these SAHD/H situations are ones where the couple agreed that he be a SAHD/H


In my brother in law's case , both him and his wife owned a business. She had a son for notorious womanizer when they met , but he still married her.

The child was so young he actually thought that his mother's husband was his dad. He didn't really know his dad.

They decided to shut down the business when the kid started school because they needed someone to pick him up after school , make sure he did his homework and so on.
They both decided that the husband would stay home and become a SAHD because she was young, got a good job opportunity in a large regional corporation , with a bright future. 
Year one everything went fine.

Year two she got a promotion, and opportunity to travel , and was hardly ever home. But she was being well paid. She completely renovated the house , bought new furniture , got herself out of debt and had money to burn.

Year three all hell broke loose. She started doing the GNO thing with her" girlfriends ", " working late " till wee hours in the morning, and coming home drunk, _every night._
She was having a torrid sexual affair with her son's real father.
A filthy rich womanizer who , as we found out later , was instrumental in getting her that high paying job it the first place.

When he demanded that she stop working at the company, she bluntly refused, packed her stuff and left home with her son.
Her OM put her up in an expensive apartment, and she lived the high life for a while. He had even bought her an expensive car , which initaly we thought was a company vehicle.
Anyway,
OM picked up with another younger woman and dumped her.
She lost her job position to the younger woman, and she resigned.
But before all of that happened , they got divorced. She NEVER came back to her husband , neither did she ever allow her son to see him again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> In my brother in law's case , both him and his wife owned a business. She had a son for notorious womanizer when they met , but he still married her.
> 
> The child was so young he actually thought that his mother's husband was his dad. He didn't really know his dad.
> 
> ...


It sounds like he hooked up with a woman who used men for her advantage.

But she got dumped.. good to hear. I love bad endings to affairs.

I feel for the guy. What she did is awful. She probably would have done it even if he had not tried out the SAHD thing.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like he hooked up with a woman who used men for her advantage.
> 
> But she got dumped.. good to hear. I love bad endings to affairs.
> 
> I feel for the guy. What she did is awful. She probably would have done it even if he had not tried out the SAHD thing.


Actually I don't think so.
OM was her _first_ lover.
She was a well educated , hard working and independent woman.
Her husband dropped the ball by offering to be the SAHD. He was from a middle class family , but he became the " Mr. Mom" type of character, after choosing to close the business and stay home.
We used to go hunting , he stopped.
We used to go weekend long fishing expeditions , he stopped.
We used to go off road with his ATV's [ all terrain vehicle] in the mud tracks up in the mountains, he stopped.
He spent lots of time at home, doing stuff , and taking care of the kid whilst she was out * working.*
He never held her accountable in the beginning when he suspected something was wrong.
Had he checked on her job specks , renumeration and cross referenced it with her spending, [ she was a profiligate spender.] he would have found out the truth sooner.

She was NEVER a party girl. She grew up in a traditional Hindu family, just like my wife.
She's my wife's sister.
The OM had lots of money , and it blinded her.
What the OM did was pay her son's tuition at an exclusive private school , give her money to fix the home, pay off her debts ,give her access to credit, and so on.

But her husband didn't want to offend her by asking her questions about where all the money was coming from.
How dare he?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Nope... not a problem at all for us. My income afforded us the luxury that one of us could stay home and and it just made sense for him to retire early and stay home and take care of our home and pets. I love it, I get a stay at home "house hubby" and he gets to putter around the ranch and do the things he loves all day.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

My answer may be biased because our situation is quite different. When I had my third child at 28, I developed severe PPD, 

My SO had became partially disabled 3 months prior and was able to take over feedings, diaper changes, cuddles and most everything everything else, all while caring for a 6 and 8 yr. old.

If I didn't have his support, no telling where my baby and other 2 kids would be. My kids love their dad and me, they got through my mental illness episode without the stigma due to the remarkable job my man did.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

I'm a husband so I hope I'm not speaking out of place by posting in the women's forum.

I made this offer to my wife early in our marriage. With my profession I could work from home on a contract basis. I told my wife I would enjoy being a SAHD if she wanted to pop them out and go back to work. I probably wouldn't have made as much from home p/t but clean and take care of kids would be nice.


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