# HUSBANDS: What is the biggest misunderstanding you and your wife have?



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I'm trying to lessen the misunderstandings my husband and I have. We're in this phase in which we take almost everything the other person says the wrong way.

For example, lately I've felt like I drag my husband everywhere. Like he only comes to "please" me even though he'd rather be elsewhere. (Like, sitting at home watching Netflix.) I've asked him over and over and he "assures" me he wants to be doing whatever it is I'm doing, but I never felt secure. There was always this feeling I had like he was miserable and I was dragging him along.

Anyway, I had a conversation with a man at work and he was talking about his relationship problems with me. We're pretty good friends/co-workers and he said something that struck me: He said he's always getting misunderstood for being passive because he likes to tag along with whatever the girl he's seeing is doing. He said even if it's something he doesn't care to do like wants to do it because SHE wants to do it. It was like a light bulb moment and I saw my husband in him. I hate that it took me too long to figure it out, lol, but I did. Now, I enjoy "dragging" him along. I feel like he genuinely doesn't mind being there.

Anyway, what is the biggest misunderstanding you have with your wife?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

She simply can't understand that I can be unhappy in the same circumstances that she is happy in.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

1). That sex matters to me. That it isn't just some random activity that we do occasionally.

2). That she has to get my attention before starting to talk or I'll "un huh" but not really listen. If I'm reading or somthing it takes a few seconds to get my brain in gear.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

uhtred said:


> 1). That sex matters to me. That it isn't just some random activity that we do occasionally.



I think your actions don't really match your words here. And frankly that's why your wife doesn't understand. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

She simply can't understand that I don't want to waste money or time on clothes, jewelry, hair styles, etc. I am a geek and none of these things are going to turn me into George Clooney. And if they don't, it won't be effective to get her attention. She is only attracted to TV, music artists, etc.... so it is useless energy being devoted to my improvement.
The improvement will be insufficient.

She thinks that being out of money at the next payday is "ok". I cannot be happy unless I have a year of living expenses banked, in addition to lots of long-term savings for retirement, and sufficient assets that no borrowing is ever required.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I could leave, that's about it. Its possible for something to be important but not important enough for a divorce. 





WorkingOnMe said:


> I think your actions don't really match your words here. And frankly that's why your wife doesn't understand.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think this will prove to be a very interesting thread! Keep going guys


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

My gf has a problem understanding that just because I can do something doesn't mean I'm going to do it.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> My gf has a problem understanding that just because I can do something doesn't mean I'm going to do it.


what r u good for then lol


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

TJW said:


> She simply can't understand that I don't want to waste money or time on clothes, jewelry, hair styles, etc. I am a geek and none of these things are going to turn me into George Clooney. And if they don't, it won't be effective to get her attention. She is only attracted to TV, music artists, etc.... so it is useless energy being devoted to my improvement.
> The improvement will be insufficient.
> 
> She thinks that being out of money at the next payday is "ok". I cannot be happy unless I have a year of living expenses banked, in addition to lots of long-term savings for retirement, and sufficient assets that no borrowing is ever required.


See this sounds like a clash in personality to me. I'm in between you guys. I;m frugal, but i like nice ****. I'll find a way to get nice ****, but Ib wont go completely broke for it. My house is an exception. I like a huge, glorious, house. Its just how I personally choose to live. I coud never imagine banking a YEAR of expenses, but we like to keep a solid 3 months at all times. I lived pay check to pay check when I was a student and I refuse to do that again, lol.

I think your differences are OK as long as there's genuine acceptance and no hostility towards how you each live? You guys coud be balancing each other out


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> 1). That sex matters to me. That it isn't just some random activity that we do occasionally.
> 
> 2). That she has to get my attention before starting to talk or I'll "un huh" but not really listen. If I'm reading or somthing it takes a few seconds to get my brain in gear.


Is that a misunderstanding, or does she just not care as much as you do?

My wife and I have a very similar disconnect, but I believe we understand each other perfectly. I suppose I could claim there was a misunderstanding if I was prepared to walk out the door and she didn't know it. But that's not the case, so we fully understand each other--

1a. she's happy the way things are
1b. she wants to please me, but not so much as to go through the changes necessary to do so to the level I'd like

2a. I"m not happy the way things are
2b. but not so much as to break my vows, abandon her and end what has otherwise been a smashing success of a union for over three decades


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> what r u good for then lol


She has this crazy idea that I should do my own laundry and home maintenance.
Not going to happen.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> 1). That sex matters to me. That it isn't just some random activity that we do occasionally.
> 
> 2). That she has to get my attention before starting to talk or I'll "un huh" but not really listen. If I'm reading or somthing it takes a few seconds to get my brain in gear.


Hmmmmmm. I wonder if she talks to her friends about how important it is for you to queue in on her when she speaks but won't divorce you preferring to be in a relationship without listening... even though it is important to her. I wonder how that works.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> She has this crazy idea that I should do my own laundry and home maintenance.
> Not going to happen.


Who is going to do it then?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Just husbands?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> Hmmmmmm. I wonder if she talks to her friends about how important it is for you to queue in on her when she speaks but won't divorce you preferring to be in a relationship without listening... even though it is important to her. I wonder how that works.


Do you have any evidence he doesn't listen attentively/pay attention/support her... or are you just assuming and/or triggering here?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Do you have any evidence he doesn't listen attentively/pay attention/support her... or are you just assuming and/or triggering here?


No. I am just often curious about reciprocity about changes that people are asking to be made compared to what their spouse would say about the same. We only ever get one side.


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## sissyphus (Feb 1, 2012)

sometimes the stuff she says or does, has me scratching my head. those are the times when I think I married an alien, and I don't mean from another country!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Interesting thought, but I suspect not. She has at least claimed that it is a fairly minor issue. 








NobodySpecial said:


> Hmmmmmm. I wonder if she talks to her friends about how important it is for you to queue in on her when she speaks but won't divorce you preferring to be in a relationship without listening... even though it is important to her. I wonder how that works.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> No. I am just often curious about reciprocity about changes that people are asking to be made compared to what their spouse would say about the same. We only ever get one side.


Right. But we can only go on what we have. Taken in isolation, it would be easy to think this one post may be indicative of an unbalanced presentation, but I've read enough of uh's posts over the months I've been on TAM and he seems genuine.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its of course possible to be biased and not realize it - but of course then you can't recognize your bias.

One value of posting to groups like this is to get independent feedback. Of course people can only comment on what they see, but its a bit pointless to get into a discussion like this an intentionally leave out important things. Unintentionally of course......






Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Right. But we can only go on what we have. Taken in isolation, it would be easy to think this one post may be indicative of an unbalanced presentation, but I've read enough of uh's posts over the months I've been on TAM and he seems genuine.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Don't talk to your H like you would talk to a girlfriend. Some women think H's are interested in what mostly women like to talk about. I have ZERO interest on which character did what on any "Daytime Drama" better know as a "soap opera."

My W talks to me bases on what SHE heard on the news and talks to me as if I heard the same news, so she leaves out the "who, what, and where" and mostly states her opinion about that situation. She will say "unions are the reason the job market is bad. They should outlaw unions. Well, I have no clue about what she is talking about. Later I find out General Motors declared bankruptcy partly because it couldn't pay the retirement benefits. OK, this is an old example but it makes a point. My w never mentioned GM, the pension issues, the $45 an hour most of the workers earn, and on and on. 

The point is do not assume your H has all of the information you have if you give an opinion or ask a question that you want him to respond to.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Its of course possible to be biased and not realize it - but of course then you can't recognize your bias.
> 
> One value of posting to groups like this is to get independent feedback. Of course people can only comment on what they see, but its a bit pointless to get into a discussion like this an intentionally leave out important things. Unintentionally of course......


True. But I've noticed if someone posts long enough, you can detect their bias or deception, no matter how dedicated they are to keeping it up. Narcissistic tendencies will always peek through in the words somewhere. Self-righteousness and inability to take responsibility will always manifest somehow. 

So if you had been putting forward a purely self-serving narrative, even unbeknownst to you in your bias, it wouldn't necessarily be unbeknownst to the many very perceptive people peeping in here.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Who is going to do it then?


I have household staff.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I have household staff.


J will have you doing your own laundry if you're not careful Andy,tell her you can't bear to lay your maids off. 
Again, when's the wedding or did you get married in Ireland,I heard there was a big wedding in one of the castles while you were over here.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Odo lives like a Vulcan. Logic dominates his decision-making.

I am a combination of emotion and logic, although logic only started influencing my decisions in my late 20s so emotion comes more naturally.

I see his side to things, but he often cannot see mine if it relates to feelings, impressions, or intuition. We disagree occasionally. He will always listen to my side, though, and usually I can inject logic into my emotional explanation so he can understand my view better.

I believe he would also say there's a fundamental difference between us about work ethic. He works hard, but only in things he likes. I just work hard, full stop. He thinks I need to be less dedicated. I just hold high standards in everything I do, even drudgery.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> Odo lives like a Vulcan. Logic dominates his decision-making.
> 
> I am a combination of emotion and logic, although logic only started influencing my decisions in my late 20s so emotion comes more naturally.
> 
> ...


I can fully see where he is coming from. When it comes to work I only do what is necessary and that's it.
I have been told I have a serious problem with empathy and I am trying to improve on that but the one thing I cannot stand about women is they don't make it clear what they want. If you want something from me then ask,don't expect me to figure out that when I ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee and you say no that you meant yes. And no I shouldn't want to do laundry or wash dishes.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Right. But we can only go on what we have. Taken in isolation, it would be easy to think this one post may be indicative of an unbalanced presentation, but I've read enough of uh's posts over the months I've been on TAM and he seems genuine.


I don't doubt for one second that he is genuine.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I have household staff.


I want some of those! Lucky duck. Ok, that is probably not fair. Hard working duck who can afford the help. It is hard to see how that is a problem unless that money could be spent elsewhere. The stuff gets done.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> > I have household staff.
> ...


Money is not an issue, it's my girlfriends work ethic and her catholic schoolgirl guilt lol.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With both my XW and my RSXW ~ specifying that things be done that were largely tantamount to being nothing more than "control issues" for yours truly! 

In retrospect, I'm hoping that I will never permit this ever to happen to me again! At least not with a new wife!*


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I can fully see where he is coming from. When it comes to work I only do what is necessary and that's it.
> I have been told I have a serious problem with empathy and I am trying to improve on that but the one thing I cannot stand about women is they don't make it clear what they want. If you want something from me then ask,don't expect me to figure out that when I ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee and you say no that you meant yes. And no I shouldn't want to do laundry or wash dishes.


I am not a big fan of pop-psych. But sometimes I almost do think men and women can be from different planets where communication is concerned. We were in counseling quite a while ago. One of the techniques the therapist used was to have us communicate what we wanted. The other then had to paraphrase it back to make sure s/he got it. DH thought it was dumb. Until he started paraphrasing back something that was exactly nothing like what I said. Big light bulb moment there. My response was often That's what you heard?? My problem was always taking the understanding into the right action plan. I swear there are days we need an interpreter. Thankfully we can laugh about it now. You meant THAT? Well, yah. Those were the words I used.

All joking aside, I actually don't think it is a gender divide. We all process inputs through our existing filters of thoughts, emotions and experience. He wanted to hear what he already thought was the truth. I wanted to do what I already thought was the right thing to do. It takes extra effort to think past those filters. 

When people talk about marriage and how communication is key, I think the half of communication that is the hardest is often ignored. Really LISTENING with the acceptance that their PoV might be radically different than yours. Listening past preconceived notions for understanding, empathy and resolution! Even accepting and admitting that you "don't get it" is far better than assuming you heard when you heard wrong. I have been reassured more than once when DH has said, I think you are saying xyz (paraphrased accurately). That's a bit of a mind f for me. I have to chew on that for a while. Yah ok. At least you HEARD me. I know he likes it when I say (and do) things he wants even when I think it is the wrong way. Ok you want housework issue y to be handled like this? I don't think that is super effective. But why don't we try it anyway, and if it isn't working we re-address? Luckily he knows I will forget and even if it is inefficient, I am pretty ok with new habits.

I am imaging (different from projecting? doubt it) the pastry conversation. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. The sense of passive aggression comes when the pastry becomes a symbol for something else like attention. Example from my life having nothing to do with pastries. DH comes home from a stressful day at work having attempted to lift heavier at the gym than usual. He is tired and sore and dinner and kids loom ahead of us for the evening. Ok, I step in and do some stuff that he normally does. We get it done. I ask him if he wants a back rub. For background, if you ask my husband if he wants a BJ or a back rub, it is a 50/50 proposition which he will choose. So if he is feeling like something is sketchy between us, despite REALLY wanting the back rub, he might say no. He knows I don't like giving them. Maybe he is trying to answer to my wants. So he says no. Maybe I don't catch on right away that we are not in regular do you want a back rub space and entered into ... hmmm... something else is going on. Later, he will say, I really wanted that back rub. Ok, full stop. SHOULD he have just said yes to the damned back rub? Of course. But it was only partly about the back rub. Maybe he wanted me to take care of him without thought. Reasonable? Hell no. But we have been at this long enough that I can say... hey, babe what's up? Are you not feeling taken care of? Get your ass in the bedroom for your back rub. If you feel like talking about it, ok. If you feel like just enjoying your back rub, that's cool. If it was just wanting to be taken care of, he takes the back rub. If it is something else, he tells my what it is as he sighs into his back rub knowing that I have put away the dinner, the kids, the other **** and am listening to him.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> I can fully see where he is coming from. When it comes to work I only do what is necessary and that's it.
> I have been told I have a serious problem with empathy and I am trying to improve on that but the one thing I cannot stand about women is they don't make it clear what they want. If you want something from me then ask,don't expect me to figure out that when I ask you do you want a pastry with your coffee and you say no that you meant yes. And no I shouldn't want to do laundry or wash dishes.


Andy, I get frustrated with other women that aren't clear. I'm clear, I learned that I needed to be clear a long time ago. I don't mince words nor speak Hintese. I just occasionally speak with feelings rather than fact... I realized that if I mix the two, Odo usually gets what I'm trying to convey.

But agreed... Women frustrate me too in that way, if they're not clear.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> > I can fully see where he is coming from. When it comes to work I only do what is necessary and that's it.
> ...


Hintese now that is funny. 
When my girlfriend and her son moved in with me late last year I had lived on my own for five years but I only ever had roommates before that,I never had a girlfriend live with me. I had two housekeepers employed to look after me and the house. 
I knew that there would be some teething problems so we had a talk every week about how things were working out and we all got a chance to say what we considered was annoying or disrespectful behaviour. This worked out great and everyone is happy. She just feels guilty about having a couple of housekeepers but I told her unless she is prepared to look after everything then the housekeepers stay. I'm not cleaning or doing laundry so that's that. Lol. 
Edit:I should say I have a very big house.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

W has the TV volume to loud, then she talks to me when I am in another room. I hear the TV OK but I onlu understand a few of her words.

W talks to me when she is close to me but she has her hand over her mouth AND the 
TV is on in another room or if we are in the car, the noise from the tires are louder than she speaks.

I will ask her what she wants to eat. She will not decide. I suggest things and get a no, then another no, then more no's. I have gone to do you want "A" or "B."

Also about food, I ask or state what is on the menu, she comes back that she ate recently something similar. There is rarely a yes or a no to what I proposed.

QVC shopping channel is a major problem. My W spends most of her money there, ex 50+ pair of shoes, more cooking items than I can learn to use, and makeup/hair care, she has to give away.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'll chime in about communication.

My husband tells me when he feels I communicate in a way that's blunt/bossy without (perceived) room for his input and that can rub him the wrong way. Whereas I feel I'm being helpful. Apparently there's a fine line. Sharing in the moment gives opportunity to keep understanding one another. I'll readily admit at times my communication with him sucks. Sometimes it's funny when he mirrors back to me or suggests a different way of approaching something that speaks more to him. Other times I try to word things less blunt, ask instead of state... then he questions why I'm not being direct. We can both become frustrated. This past weekend for example, in one of these moments, I responded to him with a look. He suggested 'Or, you can tell me to go **** myself..' Which I did. We both laughed, diffused things. So yeah, healthy communication is important folks.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

#1 My wife has stated numerous times that I am jealous that she earns more than I do. She brought it up so much I had to shut her down by telling her that if she continued I would be taking 25-35 percent of what she made and move on if that is what she wanted. Never heard about it since. I cannot believe she said it once. I carried the family as a sole provider for 18 years and never once held it over her.

#2 I would prefer some intimacy over just sex. I do know the difference. For her to be fully engaged she has to have been reading from her 50 Shades collection or some other trash like that.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Her meaning of unconditional love and the traditional meaning of unconditional love are two completely different things.


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