# wife started counseling



## OGNW (Oct 28, 2014)

I have a long story like most but am just too emotionally spent right now to go into it all. I have visited this forum over the last 2-3 years and gained some insight.

No, I'm not perfect. I admit I am part of the issues. Now that I write that, I'm not sure I ever admitted that to my wife. I believe I have but can't say for sure. 

Right now I need to ask. My wife started counseling today because she says she needs someone to talk too.

Should I be concerned this may bring the end? Or should I be hopeful that she may find the real reason for her unhappiness so we can discuss it instead of her keeping it inside?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Could it be the beginning of the end? Maybe. The IC is going to try to guide your wife to do what's right for her. Which, if you're part of her problem and you're not working on resolving it, may mean leaving you. Hard to say, especially with limited info. 

Is there a reason you're not both in counseling? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

OGNW said:


> I have a long story like most but am just too emotionally spent right now to go into it all. I have visited this forum over the last 2-3 years and gained some insight.
> 
> No, I'm not perfect. I admit I am part of the issues. Now that I write that, I'm not sure I ever admitted that to my wife. I believe I have but can't say for sure.
> 
> ...


It depends on why she wants to go to counseling. If she is trying to understand herself better and figuring out what makes her unhappy or is she just going to reinforce why she is unhappy. 

In IC the counselor is only going to hear one interpretation of events. Your spouse will get out what she puts into it so to speak.


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## OGNW (Oct 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> snip
> 
> Is there a reason you're not both in counseling?
> 
> ...


She doesn't want us both to go because "I don't want to rehash 30 years"


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what are you doing to address your part of the issues?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OGNW (Oct 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> So what are you doing to address your part of the issues?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right now I'm just trying to find a job. Wife retired a few years ago and I sort of retired early. We were both in agreement at the time. Unfortunately, I made some bad decisions in the market and we had some unexpected medical bills to cover.

I'm sure the money is part of the problem although she never says so. We (she) have had a lot of fights over nothing. I mean, really, how to turn off the TV? She started it, not me as usual. I don't like confrontation. Usually I just let her yell at me and attempt to stay calm. Doesn't always work.

Wife likes to keep things locked up until she just starts a fight. If I ask her what is wrong the answer is always nothing. She has always tried to keep her thoughts private in a way.

Interview tomorrow. Hope it goes well even if I don't want this job.


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## MickeyB (Oct 27, 2014)

OGNW said:


> Wife likes to keep things locked up until she just starts a fight. If I ask her what is wrong the answer is always nothing. She has always tried to keep her thoughts private in a way.


I'm like your wife in that way - bottle things up until you explode. When you've been together for a so long, you can sense when something is bothering your partner or when they're angry. When my wife asks me, "What's wrong?" and I respond with "Nothing", for me, that usually translates to "I'm too angry or upset to talk to you about it right at this moment. If you push the issue too much, I'll say some things that we both might regret." My wife has learned to give me a little time to cool down and sort out my emotions, or I will say something very hurtful. But if you wait too long, then "Nothing" may actually turn to "Nothing", since I will often dismiss the issue as petty or insignificant, until it happens again, and then everything compounds and I explode. At least, that's what happens to me.

Once you've given her some a little time when you can tell she's still upset, but not boiling, that's when you say something like, "I know something's bothering you. Are you able/ready to talk about it right now?"

Sometimes, if you might know what the issues is, don't ask her directly about it, but perhaps talk about how the issue affects you. However, be warned, this could backfire. It could either start another fight, because you brought up an unrelated issue that just compounded with the previous issue, or she might get very defensive and retaliate. But if you're able to tactfully pull it off, coming from a place of genuine empathy and understanding, then it could possibly open the lines of communication, or it could blow up in your face. I wouldn't play that card unless it was a last resort.

If you don't mind me asking, did she have some really bad experiences growing up, feeling alone, that she had to deal with these bad experiences herself, and no one else to confide in? I ask, coming from personal experience.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OGNW said:


> We (she) have had a lot of fights over nothing. I mean, really, how to turn off the TV? She started it, not me as usual. I don't like confrontation. Usually I just let her yell at me and attempt to stay calm. Doesn't always work.


That's weak. Women hate weak men. The more he gives in, the more she dislikes him.

Get the book No More Mr Nice Guy and start reading asap.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Any signs of systemic emotional disregulation?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I suggest getting into IC yourself as well. Just from the way you've described some experiences with your wife, it sounds like it would do you some good, as would MC with your wife too.

PBear nailed it. Her IC could certainly spell bad news for you, IF you are a big part of the problem in the marriage. If you're a wonderful husband, then you have nothing to worry about. A decent therapist will be able to figure out pretty quickly.


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## OGNW (Oct 28, 2014)

I may have started this thread in the incorrect location. Maybe it should have been under General Relationships.

Thanks for the feedback. My wife has been going through some changes since retirement. Part of it is finding herself without a job she loved so dearly.

We had an almost episode the other night. It was another stupid non-issue. She did have a few drinks which I believe she cannot or does not know how to handle.

Quick rundown:

Ceiling fan was on while she was baking. While she was cleaning up I asked if she was hot. She said she was but not anymore and I could turn off the fan (I was a bit cool). She had a glass of wine while baking.

We had some dinner and we both were having a drink of bourbon. She was done eating and sitting on the couch with TV on finishing her drink (maybe another, I didn't pay attention). I was still at the table having a bit more salad when she asked if I turned off the fan. I said yes.

Some time went by and I was still at the dining table and she comes over with "that" look on her face. Oh, how well I know that face. She says "Did you ask me about turning off the fan?" Oh crap, here it comes. At first I didn't say anything because a lot of things are going through my head. She says "Don't look at me with that deer in the headlights look". I responded yes. Off she goes to bed. I chalk it up to booze. I have mentioned to her in the past that she is a mean drunk.

Next day comes and she does not appear mad. We have coffee while in the office on our computers like every other morning. Then we go for our morning walk and back to the office to play crossword against each other while cooling down.

Now last nights "event" is still on my mind and I'm trying to bring it up in a non-confrontational way. So I say to her, "Were you really mad about the ceiling fan last night"? She didn't know what I was talking about. I explain the whole scenario and she has no memory.

Now is when she said she is depressed and that is one of the reasons she is going to counseling. She tells me she has been having memory lapses do things andforgetting or putting items in the refridgerator that do not belong and it is scaring her. This is not when she is having a drink so it's not that.

From my point of view, forgetting things is something that causes problems between us. Sometimes I get annoyed when she forgets. Maybe I make comments about it but I'm not a screamer or yeller. She calls it arrogance when I get upset at her for not remembering something we just talked about. As I think about it, one of the comments I may make is "I think you pay too much attention to the question and not the answer. This would be after she asks me the same thing two or three times in a short period of time.

Well, enough rambling. At least now I know "some" of the things that is causing her anguish and the reason for IC.

I just wish she would open up and let me in sometimes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You criticize your wife a lot.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

OGNW said:


> I may have started this thread in the incorrect location. Maybe it should have been under General Relationships.
> 
> Thanks for the feedback. My wife has been going through some changes since retirement. Part of it is finding herself without a job she loved so dearly.
> 
> ...


How old is she if your are both retired now? When was the last time she went to a doctor and had a full medical work-up? It sounds like with her forgetfulness and irritability she has something going on. Her depression is probably more a symptom of a medical problem would be my guess.


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## OGNW (Oct 28, 2014)

turnera said:


> You criticize your wife a lot.


You may be correct. That is something I need to pay closer attention to.


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## OGNW (Oct 28, 2014)

honcho said:


> How old is she if your are both retired now? When was the last time she went to a doctor and had a full medical work-up? It sounds like with her forgetfulness and irritability she has something going on. Her depression is probably more a symptom of a medical problem would be my guess.


I believe full medical last year and this year. One thing that showed up was low potassium. The doc felt this may be a reason she is more fatigue than she should be. I noticed more confusion which google says could be another symptom(along with many others). 

That was a few months ago. With diet changes her levels are back to normal and I noticed less confusion than she was experiencing. At the time I did mention I saw a big improvement in the way she was acting but never mentioned confusion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a HORRIBLE memory. Seriously can't remember 2/3 of things in my life. Always been this way. My H used to try to make me feel guilty about it, but it is what it is. How am I supposed to change it? Take a class? 

On another note, though, there was a story on NPR the other day that showed that the more water you drink, the better your memory is.


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## OGNW (Oct 28, 2014)

Are you suggesting its OK to attempt to start an argument and cause anguish to your SO and then just say, Oh, I don't remember that? That doesn't really make it go away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No I was referring to you considering her memory issue something you can criticize her for. Obviously if she's lying about cheating and remembering it, you should be upset.


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