# Are these reasons for divorce.... or stay?



## zoid (Jul 19, 2012)

Been married for 14 years. Two kids. I have been devoted, loyal to my wife supported her. She has taken me for granted. I have always done the cleaning,-she is very messy and unorganized. I have talked to her constantly about this- things change temporarily and then go back to the same. Recently stopped cleaning which has caused strain on the kids and our relationship. she refuses counseling either by herself or together. I am currently seeing a counselor.We don't talk much anymore unless it has something to do with the kids. No intimacy for 11 months. 
Recently she has taking the lead in keeping the house clean...but i have since fallen out of love. I feel that if I would leave her...she would try to change...but it would not be the real her. The interests we have had in common are non existent. Her attitude toward my family and sometimes the kids is harsh. Constant arguing. I don't see myself growing old with her. I feel depressed and lonely. Is divorce worth it financially and emotionally with what I am going through? I love her but I am not in love with her. Living like room mates. I worry about the financial aspect and losing the sense of family for the kids....but I also worry if things don't work out in the years to come...I will be very depressed.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Zoid,

This is something you'll have to answer for yourself in the end.

There is an old joke that comes to mind though - "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!"

Actually, based on what you've put here (and just the one side of the story) I'd at least move toward divorce. I would see a lawyer and find out what my options and costs are and go from there.

After you know what the story is, I'd sit with the wife and tell her that unless the two of you commit to at least trying, it's done. But based on the fact that you're saying you don't love her, I don't even know if it's worth the effort

Good luck


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

zoid said:


> No intimacy for 11 months.


This is reason enough for me.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Short answer = yes.


Toffer said:


> I'd sit with the wife and tell her that unless the two of you commit to at least trying, it's done.


Agree, give it your best/last shot for at least a few more months. But, go learn your rights from a lawyer today, and start taking steps to protect yourself in a divorce. You don't have to follow through if the marriage starts improving.


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## lonelystar (Jul 16, 2012)

Sorry to hear about it. This is a tough situation to be in, especially when the kids are involved. Maybe try to persuade your wife to go to counseling together. Speak to her about all your concerns, even if she does not seem to listen. Try to give it a few more months, as things could still change. If not, divorce could be your only option.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I don't believe anything but abuse is automatically cause for divorce. I think everything else can and should be fought for and every effort put in to work it out. This doesn't dismiss your feelings and concerns because they are real to you and legitimate in my opinion. But, I do think it's still workable if you're willing to try.

When a spouse refuses marriage counseling, what she's saying is she is not willing to try and not willing to change. That leaves you no choice but to make the hard decision since you are not willing to accept her unwillingness, and you shouldn't have to. Your last ditch effort in that case is to impress upon her the importance that the two of you attend marriage counseling. Tell her the marriage depends on it. This is not a request. It is a demand and ultimatum for which she can acquiesce or refuse. What that means is unless she agrees to go (and does go and does fully participate), then she's telling you that the marriage is not worth the effort, and you are telling her you will not tolerate the status quo any longer.

You already know in all likelihood she will be willing to change and do practically anything once you are packing your bags. You fear it won't be a sincere effort on her part, but it will if you demand marriage counseling. 

The worst you can do is tell her. You have nothing to lose, so try this one last time.


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