# The Best Advice comes from strangers...



## cmmcafee (Dec 28, 2008)

I believe that people who do not know you are able to see your live clearly and without bias... with that in mind. I would like to get your opinion on my situation.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 6 years ( I am 32 years old) Over the past 6 years, we have had a rocky relationship... we first moved in together (moving from PA to VA) after dating only 5 months. We started out happy little home life in a small apartment, we both worked a lot and Tim was very unhappy. I remember our sex life being bad then, but his excuse was that he was in "a funk" and would be fine when he didn't have to work so much. 

So, a few moves, some job and some "it will get better" promises later I had invested 3 years into the relationship..and things were not getting better, he was still in "funks" and such, and I just thought, well he needs to be on medication or something so he can stop and smell the roses so to speak... 

we got married with the promise that he will "get out of this funk" he get into and be happy.... then we bought a house a year later...
a few months after buying the house (Dec 2005) I got pregnant...we still had some problems and as he did in the past, he would put me down, try to belittle me and tell me how I do things wrong all of the time. I started to realize that I dont like him around me and I am happier without him but now I am pregnant..so What should I do. stick it out I guess? so I did. Our son Michael came on Nov 25th 2006. A beautiful day.
since then, my husband and I dont enjoy each other's company, we have had sex only 6 times INCLUDING the time I got pregnant with our son...(recap - 6 times in almost 3 years) and it's because he turned me down alot. I am a good looking girl who wears size 10-12 pants..so im not super skinny but i am not overweight..but he wasn't intersted in me. He told me once it was easier for him to just "do it" himself without me.

so, in October and November of this year three life changing events happened, my son, the love of my life was diagnosed with Autism. Then, I lost my job that paid 45,000 a year that allowed me to work FROM HOME. The first week of November, my husband lost his job (he made 90,000 a year). We have had a lot going on lately, so we have been worse than ever with eachother. i can still find joy in my life with little things and with my son who is starting to get a little better with all of the therapy I am taking him to... I feel I have no support from my husband with Michael's autism... I do all of this therapies, supplements, diet and caring for him all of the time.

A therapy that will help Michael is called ABA theraphy..but in the state of VA we have to pay out of pocket for it...and it cost 3,000 dollars a MONTH. yes, a month. we can not afford it, but Tim's sister who loves in another country has tons of money...and she said, she would pay that bill each month so our son can get the help he needs... Tim, Michael's Father - says NO. he is going to into debt...even though his sister doesn't want the money back. (Michael is going to that school, even though tim is not happy with it.)

Now, because of our job situation we can not afford to make payments on our house.. or our cars or our credit cards...(tim did get another job making only 40,000 a year, and I cant work now because I have to care for Michael)
so, with all of this, we are going to have to foreclose on our house, hand in our vehicles and file bankruptcy.

Well last weekend, after my husband was yelling at me and trying to make me feel bad and questioning me about everything.....I flipped out! I said to him "I do NOT love you anymore and I do not want to be married to you anymore. You are an unhappy horrible person" - it felt so good to say waht I have been thinking... I thought about it for years on and off...and kept pushing it aside thinking it would get better.....well, he was mad at me for saying that, but it shut him up. two days later we had a "heart to heart" talk for 3 hours. To sum it all up in a few sentences.... he said he treats me this way because he thinks he might have made the wrong decision to be with me. He never really "loved" me but I was a nice, pretty, funny girl that his family really liked so "why not" he said...so after realizing he wasn't sure he even loved me, he married me and had a child with me.... hoping it would all work out.

My thoughts on that... he stole a family and my youth from me. he stopped me finding that person I would have enjoyed the past 6 years with..who loved me. He also stole a family from me....my family that I didn't get a chance to have while I was still young, now I am 32 years old and I have a child with Autism and I have to "start over" with someone new.... in time to have more children and to deal with Michael on my own. for him, it will be easy to get a new girlfriend...he will only have a child on some weekends and holidays... me, I have a child who has special needs and I will have to work hard to support and care for Michael on our own. 

Any suggestions, thoughts? I need clarity,
Thank you, sorry it was really long.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Wow...my heart truly goes out to you. What awful circumstances all around.

Well, it's going to be hard. It's going to be more than hard, but both of you say you aren't meant to be together. It will take awhile, but once you separate and get on your feet, I'm sure you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted....living this long in a marriage neither of you want to be in must feel like you are walking under water with a very heavy load to carry. You have both finally admitted it....now it's time to part your ways.

As for your son...is you H in denial about his autism diagnosis, or just too lazy to help with at home therapy? Also, how functional is his autism?

It's going to be really hard, but you can do it. Do you have family or friends or some type of support structure where you live?

This may not be the way you thought your life would turn out. We very rarely get the dream we start out with. But the situation you are in isn't your dream either. 32 is young. You have some time to find the man who will cherish you, and honor both you and your son. You have some time to have more children if that is what you want. You can find that life that you've been dreaming of....you just have some very hard work ahead of you first.


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## cmmcafee (Dec 28, 2008)

Thank you for your kind words, it is hard and I am doing pretty well considering the one, two, three punch...and the unhappy relationship. My son will be fine...all of his therapists (he sees an OT, Speech, PT and ABA Therapist) they all said he's a mild case and with the right care he SHOULD be able to go to regular school...but he has a lot of sensory issues (need to rock, grunt and spin) and he has some communication delays (cant tell us what he wants or needs...doesn't call me anything, doesn't understand questions or speaks on his own, but he can repeat words and now he's starting to label things.) we caught it early, but my husband says since we having to file bankruptcy he feels we shouldn't go back into debt so Michael can go to school. I dont know why he does what he does, but my H just doesn't help or contribute to help recover our child... but he tells me that he loves him so very much. (as I roll my eyes). He leaves everything up to me, I take out the trash, do all the laundry, do the bills, clean teh house, care for our son 100%, read and educate myself regarding autism and what may help our son..and my H all he does is work, come home and get on the computer in teh basement..while Michael and I are in the main living area of the house. You are right, I dream about finding someone who will love me and my son. I look forward to having a connection with someone again... I miss that so much.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MsStacy said:


> This may not be the way you thought your life would turn out. We very rarely get the dream we start out with. But the situation you are in isn't your dream either. 32 is young. You have some time to find the man who will cherish you, and honor both you and your son. You have some time to have more children if that is what you want. You can find that life that you've been dreaming of....you just have some very hard work ahead of you first.


:iagree:


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