# Desperately in need of advice(long)



## silhouttes2006 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hello, I really need some advice about what to do in my relationship. I am at the point where I want to leave, I really love him and don't want to give up. I am a christian and we have started learning about relationships in church. The series we just started is called Relationship Rescue. It has me thinking maybe I need a new perspective on things. First, here is my current living situation. My boyfriend and I live in a two bedroom apartment with his sister and her son. They have been living with us since I moved in back in October. I admit my boyfriend and I rushed into things without really getting to know each other. We had been friends for about 5 months and only dating for about 2 months when we decided to take that next step. It has been a rocky road from the start. He and I both suffer from depression problems and are bipolar. So when we have our bad days we usually get into an argument. His family is what we fight about more than anything. His sister is older than him and sees him bascially as her other child. She interfers in our lives a lot and has a great influence on her brother. I basically have two people ganged up on me when he and I fight. His sister loves to tell me stuff about how selfish and immature I am. Her brother is 28 years old and I am only 23 years old. I admit, I can be very jealous at times, and the odd things is, it isn't of other women, but of his family. I don't even really have a reason to be jealous because he spends alot of his time with me. I told my mom and she said it has a lot to do with my bipolar disorder. Maybe I am secretly jealous of that type of relationship since I never had a close family. When I feel jealous, its more I feel left out. This relationship has been complicated from the start. Now let me get to the meat and potatoes of the problem. My boyfriend especially in the past few months has become very selfish and mean at times. Whenever I piss him off he tries to break up with me. He holds it over my head at times and I feel a lot of anxiety that if i screw up its over. He has said some horrible things when he was mad that couldn't be taken back ever. He once told me he didn't find me attractive anymore, that I was too fat. He knew I was a big girl ever since we met and it never mattered before. My boyfriend is a pretty fit guy but his body isn't perfect. Sometimes he looks in the mirror too much. He is always looking for a compliment on his body from me. I was abused as a child both sexually and mentally, so I have always had big problems with selfesteem. Those horrible words he said still sting just as bad as they did the first time. I try to forget but I can't. Yesterday was valentine's day, did he get me a simple card or even a flower, nope. I went out of my way to get him his favorite chocolates. He thinks a hug or kiss can make up for everything but honestly I can't just let that slide anymore. This is a common senario in our relationship. He got me my first gift ever from him last month. I figure it was because he felt bad about saying that stuff. I am always doing nice stuff for him like bringing special lunch at work or giving him little gifts. It hurts to be forgotten when he seems to remember everyone else. He can't even remember my birthday. I know his by heart. The little things really do matter. He is even selfish when it comes to intimacy, it is always about what he wants. He tells me he wants my opinion but when I actually voice it, he still does what he wants. When I do try to stand up for myself, he tells me I am being sassy and gets mad. Now is here how this all relates to marriage, he wants us to get married in May. I used to be really sure and wanted to marry him but this valentine's thing was the last straw. I keep thinking, do you want to marry someone who forgets your needs and only seems to think of themself. He is the golden boy to his friends and family, they think I am selfish but they have never been in a relationship with him. I used to be a very dominate person, never let anyone mess with me. I have become very submissive and my family even said to me that I am not acting like myself. I really love him and want to try and work it out somehow. Please if anyone can tell me how to start fixing it.


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## Thunderweasel (Feb 15, 2012)

I have recently been where you are. My relationship was always a little rocky and then I started learning what a healthy relationship should really be, though not in a church group like you. I want to share my thoughts with a few of the problems that you are having that I can relate to.

"I basically have two people ganged up on me when he and I fight. His sister loves to tell me stuff about how selfish and immature I am."

This is not healthy at all and it won't end well for you. The way I'm sure you feel when two people are attacking you is going to prolong the argument and turn it into an argument for arguments sake. You can't win these fights and you have to use every bit of self control that you have to stop the argument and let them know that you won't fight both of them. You should explain to your boyfriend that being tag teamed in an argument is not fair and isn't going to help resolve anything. He needs to tell his sister to not say anything to you about the arguments and if she can't do that he needs to stop sharing your relationship problems with her.



"I can be very jealous at times, and the odd things is, it isn't of other women, but of his family. I don't even really have a reason to be jealous because he spends alot of his time with me. I told my mom and she said it has a lot to do with my bipolar disorder. Maybe I am secretly jealous of that type of relationship since I never had a close family."


You mentioned in another portion that you had been abused as a child. I think that also ties into this. I am going to take a guess that you don't have a lot of friends that you really trust and you tend to put up walls so that people won't hurt you. If that isn't accurate then this next part won't apply as well. You have lowered your guard with your boyfriend and probably feel as though he is one of the few people you can trust. When he spends time with his family (a family you don't trust) you see it as him turning his back on you. You have come a long ways though since it seems you are aware that your past is affecting your present feelings. 

"He once told me he didn't find me attractive anymore, that I was too fat." 


This right here is the breaking point for me. The reason we get into relationships is so that we can have more support. Not only is he not giving you the support you need he is pushing you down. You have two options here. The first one is if you still want to save your relationship. You need to sit down and write out a list detailing your problems with the relationship. Try to not make this an accusation list but a list of problems you want to work on. Go through it a couple of times and make sure that your main concerns are all listed. Also, make a goal for each of your problems. For example, he needs to tell you once a day something he likes about you. I suggest you go out to dinner with him and explain that there are problems with the relationship that need to be fixed if you are going to stay together let alone get married. Make sure you give him a chance to explain what he needs to change so that he is happy. This is not a time to argue about who has done what. This is how you feel. Its not an argument about whether you should feel that way. If he start arguing then you need to tell him that this isn't an argument its just how you feel. If the conversation goes well you need to set up another date in a month to specifically review the goals you have both set up to make sure both of you are making improvements. If he is not progressing or this is not working go to option two.

Option two is to just leave him. I know its hard but he is not your soulmate. There is a better person out there for you. Get out of this relationship and try to form or reinforce some non romantice relationships so that you have a good support system and that will give your next relationship a good start.

I hope this helps and I am sorry it is so long. These are just my opinons. I would recommend seeing a counselor by yourself if thats possible. You deserve to be happy.


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