# Help, I feel like I'm losing my mind.



## JoeM83 (Sep 23, 2020)

Recently, I've felt that my wife has been distant to me. I told her this and we got into a minor argument about it, which I came out of feeling insecure. We were talking today, and I said something to the effect of "we'll never get divorced, right," and she paused and said she hopes not but there are things that might lead to it such as name-calling. She brought up that I recently called her a f***ing complainer during an argument. I absolutely acknowledge that was wrong, and that I should try not to do that, but do you think I'm being held to a standard that I have a chance of meeting? I'd say something like the above happens every few months. We have two little kids and with everything else going on in the world things have been extra stressful. She acknowledges that I've gotten much better at not doing this, but I'm honestly concerned that in the heat of the moment I may occasionally say things like this. Again, I totally acknowledge that these words are not okay, but I'm not sure I'll ever be perfect here. I'm just trying to figure out if this is a reasonable request, or is she searching for a rationale to end the marriage. I love her very much, so I don't want this to happen, but at the same time, I don't want to fight this if it is inevitable. Thanks in advance for your advice.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Remember it’s okay to attack the argument not the person, nothing effective happens when you start name calling, and defeats your counter argument. Might I recommend couple therapy.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Honestly, hard to say what she is thinking about divorce -- you need to sit down and have a real in-depth discussion to find out what she wants to do.
But I will say this:


JoeM83 said:


> we'll never get divorced, right," and she paused and said she hopes not but there are things that might lead to it such as name-calling.


Her saying this sounds AWFULLY manipulative to me. Its a way for her to get you to back down. Now, maybe you DO need to back off and that is why she said it -- again hard to say from the context of your message here. You calling her a ****ing complainer is hardly the grounds for divorce -- unless this is something you routinely do (it which case it's emotional abuse).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

With 2 small children around using language like that is a bad idea anyway, they will copy it. Thats apart from your wife clearly not liking it. I would hate it if my husband swore at me, my first husband did occasionally when angry, even in front of the children sometimes, I hated it.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Swearing at home is bad enough, especially with children around. Swearing AT someone is unacceptable to me. It's childish and shows an inability to handle a situation, so you throw barbed verbal arrows instead. 
Do you use other derogatory terms in these arguments like stupid ***?

Are you like this with work colleagues or customers that annoy you? Or is it just your wife?

Depends how sensitive your wife is to these words and criticisms of her. It looks like she is closing her heart and putting up the protective wall, because she is hurting from them.

Do you balance this out with lots of positive words and encouragement?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly I think this is systemic of a bigger problem, namely the fact that we have lost ability and effectiveness to argue without resorting to using vulgar and ugly names on each other . 
Might I suggest that you and your wife calmly sit down and review the rules around arguing Gottman institute as several videos on how to properly argue...Now I get it and understand that in the heat of arguments we tend to lash out we tend to resort to the lowest form of insult.









A is for Arguments


In his "Relationship Alphabet" blog series, Certified Gottman Therapist Zach Brittle explains how arguments impact your relationship.




www.gottman.com





I didn’t think he would affective use of communication but you can slip so quickly into an ugly situation in which at times there is no coming back to.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

I have been guilty of the same thing and it almost led us to us divorcing. I didn't cuss at my wife, but could have a sharp tongue. I didn't handle stress well, and at times, would lash out at her. But I made changes and so can you. 

Verbally abusing your spouse is never good, especially when the man does it to his wife. Most men can tolerate more of that, but not a woman. She's falling out of love with you, that's why she hedged on the "never get a divorce question". Trust me, it may not seem like a reason to get divorced, but man you are headed in that direction. You need to act and act fast before permanent damage is done. 

I would seriously consider one on one counseling for your anxiety and stress. I got into counseling, starting going back to church, got involved in a Bible study and started exercising daily (hot spin is awesome). I'm much calmer and at such a better place. And talk to your wife....apologize...tell her you love her and don't mean to lash out. That you know you have stress issues and are going to take steps to improve. PM if you have any questions.


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## Divorcing1 (May 21, 2019)

I remember once sitting in church a few years back and the pastor was promoting a "Couples Retreat" designed to help couples continue building and maintaining a bond. I thought to myself at the time, "Hmm, that must be for couples who are having problems". Now, in my middle years I often times think back to that moment in church realizing that it wasn't for couple who were having problems, rather it was for couples to learn how to be more respectful and caring to one another, how to identify early on that the bond is in trouble and how to fix it, how to build bond, and keep it going forever. I look back and wish that my ex and I had gone on that retreat while things were still good between us. It's never too late to find a retreat, it doesn't have to be of religious sponsorship, if both parties have an interest in their marriage.


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