# What do you think?



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Now knowing that he never will come back to me, I asked my STBXH to meet me for one last time. I wanted some answers for what happened to cause him to close his heart to me and leave what I thought was a loving marriage. I have contemplated my role in things, but I need to know his side. So far during our separation, he's only given me the ILYBNILWY line, "i've changed", "I don't want to be married anymore", and "I still want you in my life". 

Some of you may be familiar with parts of my story, but to give background, here you go. 

It's been a tumultuous year with him first telling me not to give up on us and that he just needed to figure himself out. Come to find out, he had been seeing the posOW for at least two weeks before he dropped the bomb (and she seduced him knowing he was married). With this information, I was devastated and filed for divorce (knee-jerk reaction, still in shock). 

After months of little contact, he calls me saying he needs me and wants to get back together. Then he's unsure. Back and forth, putting me through hell, until he finally tells me he needs to be on his own (without me or the posOW) to figure things out and discover himself. Later, I find out he's back with her (a text from my sister saying they are kissing at the tennis court). There is more drama where, in my continuing devotion and love to him and a weak set of boundaries and little self-respect, I come rushing to his aid. Turns out, all that time he kept coming to me was when the posOW would break things off with him and he would feel lonely or apparently find need for our established roles, mine being codependant caregiver. 

Again, more of "I'm unsure, I'm confused, I don't know what I want, not sure if (posOW) and I are serious", etc. Maybe he really was confused, but hindsight certainly tells me I was being strung along and used. Since he was so distraught and I thought a little space would do me good, I offered to give him time to work things out. Anyway, I don't hear from him for the longest time and this is when solitude, reflection, and (finally, duh) my intuition tells me that he's done with me. Last week, I asked him to get the last of his things from the apartment. He had the audacity to bring posOW to help him. I'm sure he didn't think I would show up. This is when he finally decides to be clear. He doesn't want me anymore. Even after all his sh*t, why do I still love him? Why can't I just eat my sh*t sandwich and accept it?

So, I ask him if we can schedule a time to really talk and he keeps putting me off. I get a text today if this afternoon is good. I can't- working. So, I ask him how about this evening? "I can't do evenings." Why not? "It's not that simple. Trying." What's the problem? Eventually, he texts back:

"It's like choosing who to hurt. I don't want to go back and that hurts you. I continue to talk to you about it and that hurts (posOW). I know that it's not fair & selfish & I've done you wrong, but I'm trying to move forward. I want to be and be happy. I am profoundly sorry, ashamed and sick with guilt over how I've taken so much from you, and you did nothing wrong."

First of all, "continue to talk to you about it"? It must have been somebody else, because I don't recall. And given the way this all went down, is that posOW so heartless that she can't understand how my STBXH and I have had fifteen years together and it can't go away overnight? She's going through a divorce herself and not too long ago, she had the nerve to tell me that she respected me. 

I'm glad he can acknowledge that he's caused me pain and that his behavior is deplorable, but how can he move forward and leave this mess behind him? After being so close for so long, how can he (what seems) suddenly wipe me out of his life? "I don't want to go back". That is only the second time he's said this and within the past week. Our time apart must have solidified it for him, but he never bothered to tell me. If I hadn't asked him to come pick up his remaining things from the apartment last week, would he ever have told me?

This is so very difficult for me to absorb. I feel so rejected and abandoned. My worst fears come true. Any insight or words of wisdom I will be grateful for. After moving some things around, we will meet tomorrow at 3pm EST. I'm so nervous and I have been going over and over in my mind what I will ask him and what I want to say. I also have some dread of what he might say, but I don't think I can move on until I get some clarity. I'm trying not to expect too much from him, but is it too much to ask for some honesty and a forthright discussion? I am hoping I can maintain some dignity, as that has not exactly always been the case thus far.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronte,

For your own mental health, you simply must remove your focus from him and what he thinks, does, or says.

Hard 180.

Make this the last time for this sort of reflection. There are no answers that will satisfy.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I agree with Conrad. 

My STBXH basically did the same thing to me and left without any real reasons other than posOW was making him "feel good" about himself. 

You'll never get the answers you want. Our husbands are broken people who left a trail of destruction and despair behind them, which are manifestations of their low self-worth, self-image, and self-esteem. They are in PAIN. But they don't know know how to fix it.

Your husband still doesn't want to face himself and who he is. So, he continues to push you away and use posOW to remain in fantasy land. It won't last, though. But even when that ends, he still may not give you any answers.

You just need to rise above all that...I know it's easier said than done...and let him go.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I hope you find peace. My stbxh left 4 months ago and other than a little back and forth the first two weeks, I have not heard a word from him. Don't know where he is living. Left behind all the bills and debt. Never even told me he wanted a divorce. Sometimes weak people simply run away. Ignoring the situation is the easiest way for them to not deal with their responsibilities. Perhaps your ex is running away from his life, not just you. He sounds like my ex, who doesn't have a clue what he wants in life, nevermind a partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I think you will begin to detach when you realize that you want something he isn't going to give you. Stability. Trust. Love. All of the above. That is when it clicked for me. I still get sad and cry, but my intuition tells me my future will be much brighter than i would have been with him. (Logic too...in my case this is not much of a debate!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Well, I did meet with STBXH today for a couple of hours. We sat at a picnic table under some trees at the marina. There was a breeze and despite the circumstances, it felt peaceful. I had a bunch of questions and things I wanted to say that we never seemed to get around to- conversations having a way of leading one place or another. But I wasn't going to stress over it. I was just trying to stay in the moment. When I arrived, he was already there. So I smiled and gave him a hug. I think that put him at ease and set the tone for our talk. 

He did answer the one major question in what is the most honesty I've gotten from him in a long time. In a nutshell, he said the reason he left our marriage was that he felt he wasn't really living. That due to my depression, we never went out or did anything fun. The toll this took resulted in the loss of passion. He didn't resent _me_, but what my depression did to _us_. There were other things, like how we became so emeshed that we were no longer individuals. And our dynamic of both being people pleasers. He admitted that he should have discussed it with me, but that his tendency is to avoid or ignore problems. A lot of other things were discussed, but they mostly stem from this. 

He was tearful and expressed guilt over hurting me. For my part, I know logically that I shouldn't blame myself for living with a mental illness but I can't help but regret and feel shame for my lethargy and the effect it had on our marriage (and my life). I've always feared rejection and abandonment. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Much of what he said I long suspected, but I needed to hear it from him. We both agreed it was best not see each other again for awhile. He said that this was not good-bye and he didn't want me out of his life, but that we both needed this time to heal and give us a chance to move forward. I don't know what is going to happen. Some day down the road, we may end up being friends or I may never see him again. I'm still so crushed, that neither one sounds like something I want. I want my husband back. I want for him to want to fight for us and make it work. It's just not going to happen, though. 

Now that I have had some time to absorb the heavy things we talked about, I have even more questions. I guess what the folks on TAM say is true, you will never be satisfied or get the answers you want. 

I actually feel a little numb right now. After my STBXH and I spoke, I went back to my apartment and tried to reflect on what he said. When my brain felt swamped, I drove out to my mother's for relief. There, my mother and my sister were so kind and loving to me. And as if she could sense it, my sister who lives out of town called me on the phone and she let me cry it out. I am so grateful for their support today. I really needed it. 

I'm going to let this all sink in and begin the process of focusing on me and what I must do to create a better life for myself. He is broken, but I can't do anything about that now, nor is it my problem anymore. He can't give me what I need, which is a solid sense of self worth. I am sure that I will always love him, but I need to love me more. I have a long road ahead of me.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Your last paragraph says it all -- you have such a healthy attitude, and I am soooo proud of you for holding your head up in the face of your fears! What you did was so hard. I am so glad that you have such wonderful women in your life. Sometimes we do not get what we want, but we do get what we need -- more so when we are grateful. I hope you will continue to treat yourself with this same level of integrity and love!

As you said, HE couldn't handle the situation. Your depression was not the reason the marriage ended. Many many people struggle with depression and anxiety and other illnesses (many much worse!) and their spouses don't walk away. You know this. He was not right for you, just as mine was not good for me. Let's stick together, Bronte. We have so many good things to look forward to!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

> I've done you wrong, but I'm trying to move forward. I want to be and be happy.


Yes, exactly
*I've* done you wrong. (feeling good about being honest)
*I'm* tring to move forward. (seeking pity)
*I* want to be happy. (justifying actions)

ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! & F**K YOU!

Just exactly like my wife.

Pure selfishness is normal in these broken human beings.
Treat them with extreme caution or they will suck you under.


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## Cocoabean (Jul 18, 2012)

Wow Bronte, thankyou for posting. You have mirrored by situation, scarily similar. I have been reading these posts for about a month and never really saw anything like what I was experiencing. But you have obviously been living my life too.

I am heartened by your honesty and I can take something away for your wonderful insights. I now finally have an understanding of my stbxh, that I was struggling to get my head around. I too have suffered from depression but that doesn't mean we are less than.

I hope you find peace and happiness.


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

Cocoabean said:


> Wow Bronte, thankyou for posting. You have mirrored by situation, scarily similar. I have been reading these posts for about a month and never really saw anything like what I was experiencing. But you have obviously been living my life too.
> 
> I am heartened by your honesty and I can take something away for your wonderful insights. I now finally have an understanding of my stbxh, that I was struggling to get my head around. I too have suffered from depression but that doesn't mean we are less than.
> 
> I hope you find peace and happiness.


Yes Bronte. I thank you too.
I think after a year I am only beginning to wake up out of this nightmare and see things as others do.
Nobody has the right to treat you that way and expect to be a "friend" or anything at all except maybe the most despicable slug on the planet.
Break their dream bubble by getting out of the equation is what I think.


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## Samcro (Feb 12, 2012)

This is kinda like what I going thru a little too.living with Chronic pain and that begets depression and makes you a numb robot and then the other half becomes resentful and pulls away and you don't pick up the clues till the hammer falls. 

Try to seek help with your depression and get yourself into IC if your not in it yet. It will help you pull your head out of the clouds and help you put yourself back together and heal. Working for me, but I just started a few weeks ago healing myself.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thank you all for your comments. You guys help me so much to keep positive. This is what I love about this forum. By seeking help and guidance, we sometimes can help others to find it, too. I've learned so much since I started posting and following other's stories and I am glad that my story might help someone else. 

MyselfAgain- You are so right! What happened to "in sickness and in health"? I actually had a good chuckle with your comment about having a healthy attitude. No one has ever have described me as healthy before as I have struggled with this illness my whole life. I really do think I am getting there- it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do (reprogramming a lifetime of shame), but I am making the effort. 

Now that the blinders are coming off, I believe more and more that my STBXH _is_ running away from his life. I feel sorry for him because I know he won't get far. By making pains to remove myself from the situation emotionally and physically, I have gained some clarity. I am beginning to really see how selfish he is and has been. 

Despite realizing his flaws and having been treated so poorly by my STBXH, I love him still. I think I always will in one form or another. He was a big part of me and my life and for a long time we did share a deep connection. While I have every right to feel anger, I don't want to become bitter about it. I think that will only harm me. I want to take this experience as a life lesson learned and grow from it. I am afraid of what the future holds, but nothing in life ever runs in a straight line- it's fluid and I'd like to be able to take the good with the bad. 

Today I feel okay with this. It has actually been a great relief to finally get some explanation from STBXH. I think I have been holding my breath, waiting for him to just tell me _why_. Tomorrow might be a different story, but as we've all heard many times before, this is a process. My STBXH did have a point about not fully living our lives. It's true that I can't help that I live with depression and it's not right to abandon a partner because of it, but I feel as though I _have_ been hiding behind my illness. It's a self-perpetuating problem. I would get invited to do things, but because of my mood I would always refuse, isolate, and withdraw into myself (thus creating more bad feelings). 

I have been taking medication on and off (and going to therapy sporadically) since I was a teenager (38 now), but nothing ever seemed to help. I don't think I need to be on anti-depressants long term, perhaps only to help me through those really nasty episodes. I made the decision to quit Cymbalta (that I was on for years) about four months after he left. It has surprised me that even with current circumstances, I have been doing fine (well sorta- still functioning, ie. getting out of bed). For me, I certainly think some long term therapy with the right counsel is the way to go. There may be a chemical imbalance, but I mostly think it's my life perspective and self image that is out of whack. I'm going to go to the doctors' and see what they have to say about it. 

My sister said something interesting to me yesterday- just a little food for thought. It is important listen to our gut, our heart, and our head to really know what is right for us. We can take advice and observations from others, but in the end we must pick and choose what we need, discard the rest, and learn to trust ourselves. I'm usually wary of platitudes (or am I just cynical?), but this rang true for me.

Love to you all, my friends.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Trusting yourself is exactly what makes you authentic...and the more you are YOU without apologies, the happier you will be in your own skin...and the easier it will be for you to attract good people into your life.

Like severe anxiety which I deal with, depression is something that I believe can not be managed with drugs alone. I am on something, have been for years, but it is the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) that saves me when I have really tough periods. Check out a book called "The Feeling Good Handbook"...if you really do the exercises, they may help you on days when you don't want to push yourself out the door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks! Anxiety has been an issue for me, as well. I'll add that to my list of books to get at the library. You've mentioned CBT before and I am looking for a therapist that uses this technique. 

Had a few setbacks this evening. My mother mentioned there was a mariachi band playing at a local restaurant (we went to Mexico for honeymoon and were serenaded nightly by mariachi band), reading the paper and the date October 19th was mentioned (wedding anniversary), etc. I tried to keep busy today, but there were lulls in activity when I would start to think, what is he doing right now? 

Just little things that made my stomach sink and my heart ache, but I got through it. In the spirit of CBT, I consciously challenged my thoughts, but allowed myself to feel the emotions, and let it pass. I reminded myself that though I feel love for him, he is not good for me and I deserve better treatment. Still fragile, but finding my power!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Good job! Keep practicing, it gets easier. Finding your anger will allow you to detach too. I stopped thinking about where my ex was early on...I told myself that thinking about it would only make me sad, and why care if he doesn't care what I'm doing? Now I don't think about it at all. I am so mad at him for being an a$$ to me that I can call up that feeling the instant I have any kind of positive thought about him. Practice, practice, practice.  I still get sad sometimes, but I remind myself of what I want in life, and that my ex is unable to give me any of that. So be it. You are so intelligent and compassionate, Bronte...you can and will do better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks. Much love!


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