# Need Advice from a Woman's Perspective...



## Paul (May 26, 2008)

My wife and I have been married 16 years and for about the past 9 years, our marriage has lacked intimacy and complete closesness. Everything is fine on a day to day basis, but I feel like we are roomates more then husband and wife. There is no passion or emotion in our marriage. Also, our sex life is pathetic (twice in 08).

Everything came to a head recently when my best friend's wife passed away from cancer and my wife gave me no emotional support during this. Ultimately, I ended up becoming very close to someone to talk to and we ended up having an emotional affair (has now stopped) The woman I became close to opened up my eyes to see what I was really missing in life and made me realize what it could be like with someone who is passionate.

I am 43, my wife is 45, and I don't think it is a mid-life crisis thing. I am currently going through counseling and I do want my marriage to work but if it doesn't, I think I could be happier with someone else because I am very unhappy now.

I guess my question is...am I expecting too much from my wife?

Thanks,
Paul


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

Paul, your situation is so classic; millions of people have been through what you are going through. After a few years of marriage it can seem like a married couple are just room mates. You don't feel like you can be tender with your wife, but here is your friends widow, and what you need to feel to a woman, you can feel for her. You say your emotional affair is over; make sure it is. This is going to probably hurt a bit, but you have to woo your wife back into your loving arms. It's going to take awhile, and she won't get the hint for awhile. If your wife is like most women, she wants you to do it, but won't go out on an emotional limb and ask for it. You persist, and maybe the woman you fell in love with will make a comeback.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> You have to resolve the problems with your wife. If not, you'll just be going through those same problems with someone else a few years from now.


:iagree:
There does tend to be a lot of passion with someone you first meet and are attracted to, but it does eventually fade. It definitely does sound like you need to reconnect with your wife. I would recommend reading the 5 Love Languages by Chapman and see if you can reignite the spark within your marriage.


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## Paul (May 26, 2008)

Thanks for the advice! Mommy22, I am going to a counselor on my own (will only be 2nd time this week) to seek some help.

I guess I was so hurt that my wife wasn't emotionally there for me when my best friend's wife had died. In my mind I am thinking, what is the point of married to her when she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most?? The woman whom I had the emotional affair with actually pushed me away and told me to concentrate on my wife. I just so feel alone in this marriage.

Day to day, life seems OK but I am really miserable inside until this can get resolved. Thanks again for listening.

Paul


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hello. Wet blanket here ...
Paul, is your spouse aware that you are going to counseling? Is she even vaguely aware that you perceive that there are significant issues with the relationship?

I have come here recognizing that the advice, and perspectives offered are all going to be colored by the experiences of those providing insight. That's pretty much the way people work. It's a good thing. I fundamentally believe that nobody wants to see someone else hurt, in any capacity.

However, where others may counsel communication, efforts to reconnect, work at being a better partner ... I make the assumption that by the time someone has come here - they have tried most of those inarguably positive steps.

I know all too well that it takes two, to address whatever challenges you face as a couple. The problems deepen if you discover that only _one_ of you believes there are problems. Or, if only _one_ of you is invested in addressing those problems.

So, here is my obscure analogy; "Use a hammer instead of a pillow to drive a nail home."

If your wife is open to the steps that you are taking, and even if reluctantly - is willing to participate in counseling or working to repair the marriage, then go that route. 

If as in my case, it is easier for your spouse to avoid, dismiss, or belittle your desire to repair the rift and rediscover intimacy, try something less subtle to gauge her investment in your marriage:


Ask if she is aware of _why_ you have chosen to go to counseling. If her response is luke-warm, and is along the lines of 'because *you* think we have problems.' or, 'because *you're* not happy ..'
you can emphasize the impact, urgency and gravity of the situation by telling her, what is ultimately the truth: "I am going to counseling to determine if I want to remain married to you."

That statement is far more about an outcome than something as intangible as working through _feelings_.
Many here may think it harsh, but it drives the point home. After putting it in those terms you will know if your spouse is _with_ you, or not.


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## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

I have to say that i am having some of the thoughts that Deejo is having...

Have you spoken to your wife about all this? There is a toouch of 'grass is greener' about your post regarding the 'other' woman... Perhaps your wife is also unhappy about the emotional aspect of your marriage. You should be going to counselling together.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Paul said:


> I guess I was so hurt that my wife wasn't emotionally there for me when my best friend's wife had died. In my mind I am thinking, what is the point of married to her when she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most??


Hi Paul,

I can relate to that. There were a few critical times within my 1st marriage that I really needed his support and he wasn't there for me. Each time, my resentment towards him grew. I'm glad you are trying to sort this out and I hope you are able to reconnect with your wife. She _should _be the one there supporting you & I hope in your case she will be and will put forth more effort into your marriage.


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## Paul (May 26, 2008)

Thanks everyone again for all of your support!! You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Basically my wife feels there are absolutely no issues in our marriage and I have explained to her I am going to counseling because I want our marriage to be better and stronger. As far as the "other woman," she has pushed me away because she wants her marriage to work and obviously I respect that. I still deal with her on a business level and when I talked to her today about business, we both admitted how difficult it is not being able to talk to each other like we once did.

Deejo, you are right, I am going to counseling to determine if I ultimately want to be married to my wife. Don't get me wrong, I do love her and divorce is a very last option, but something needs to give.

On the surface, my wife is a very nice person. However, she has no emotion, patience, and tolerance with others. I openly asked her why no sex, and her response was there won't be any until I am back to "normal?" What the h...???

I have tried talking to my wife to determine if she is unhappy or if there is anything I can do, and I get nowhere and she denies anything is wrong. If there is anything positive about this whole thing, I have become closer to my parents.

Again, thanks everyone for the advice. This whole thing is very very difficult for me. I meet with my counselor again Thurs. after work and will keep you posted.

Paul


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

The passion that people say they seek, is not sustainable in a sane human. Our brain's chemistry settles down when a person becomes familiar, and that feeling of butterflies in th gut, which is a form of anxiety, goes away.

This is why it is wise to find common interests that don't focus on the two of you, but add a third component. Shared goals fill this void.

What goals do you and your wife share outside of raising children, if you have any?

Sometimes it is better to look at what is directly in front of us before we seek counseling.

What did she mean by "normal"? Have you asked her?

Since this lack of passion seems to be common, perhaps your marriage is normal, and your upset is linked to your keen awareness of your mortality, brought on by your friend's loss.

Before you start looking for easy fixes, I suggest you actually write your thoughts down. The information you come up with may help you formulate suggestions to present to your wife.
Many people have complaints, confront their spouse with them, and then never come up with solutions.

In your shoes, I would try to come up with solutions before I went to counseling.


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## Paul (May 26, 2008)

Well, after meeting with my counselor last week, the main issue I have is that I need to face my feelings myself and convey those feelings to my wife.

When I have started to talk to her about things, I find myself apologizing to avoid any potential conflict. My counselor had suggested that I need to think about myself first, let my feelings do the talking instead of my brain and go from there. Please wish me luck.....

Thanks,
Paul


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## bobby4675 (Jun 3, 2008)

hi 
i am new to this forum. i am having trouble in my marriage . is there any help available


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

bobby4675 said:


> hi
> i am new to this forum. i am having trouble in my marriage . is there any help available



Yes but instead of highjacking this thread start a new thread with your issues.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Paul said:


> Well, after meeting with my counselor last week, the main issue I have is that I need to face my feelings myself and convey those feelings to my wife.
> 
> When I have started to talk to her about things, I find myself apologizing to avoid any potential conflict. My counselor had suggested that I need to think about myself first, let my feelings do the talking instead of my brain and go from there. Please wish me luck.....
> 
> ...


Hi Paul,

It sounds as though your meeting went well and your counselor has given you good advice. I have also been working on confronting my husband (and others) when things bother me and I normally avoid conflict/confrontation, but confronting it head on is sometimes the only way to get the results we want.

I wish you the best and truly believe if you put the effort into this you will see results. It has made a big difference for me and if I didn't start talking about my feelings I can be pretty sure that my marriage would have ended and I would have continued to keep things to myself in future relationships and gotten the same results.


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## Paul (May 26, 2008)

Swedish,

Well, I took the plunge in the deep end and talked about things w/my wife. I followed the advice of my counselor, did not apologize to avoid conflict, and stated my true feelings. Things are pretty tense around here right now and at a standstill. 

My wife feels betrayed because I have talked to my parents, my best friend, and counselor about how I have felt. Now I am second guessing myself and I feel like I did indeed betray her?

Paul


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Paul,

I can tell you from my perspective, I want my husband to come to me when he has issues, not take them outside of our marriage or keep them to himself to fester. For me, issues related to our sex life are very private and I'd be very uncomfortable if he spoke to family and friends about problems without coming to me. I also know he is hesitant to talk to me because I'm very sensitive (ok big baby) but we are both working on that.

I can understand why she is feeling betrayed. If she feels that she is the one person you know you can turn to and share your feelings you will have the closeness and emotional connection that has been missing. Since this is all new for you within the relationship, make it clear to her that your goal is to change that because you WANT her to be the one you talk to because you need and miss the closeness but that it is difficult because you love her and do not want to hurt her feelings or cause any arguments (which is why talking to an outsider is easier)

Don't feel you've made a bad decision by opening up. In time, these discussions will be easier to take in. If you keep things in, your feelings and your marriage will stay on auto pilot. Choosing to speak is speaking volumes to me. That your marriage is a high priority and you want to make it the best possible, even if it means bringing up difficult issues. I would much rather have my feelings hurt temporarily and be able to do something to address the issue then not even know about it and have him share it with someone else because he's frustrated.

Confrontation actually helps people look at themselves and hopefully make positive change. I think of in a restaurant when you don't like the meal and the waitress asks "how is everything" and my response is "fine"...they would probably rather hear the truth so they can improve the dish, talk to the cook, whatever rather than have me leave thinking I don't want to eat there again.

So, she feels betrayed. That gives you the opportunity to decide what to do next. You could apologize for making her feel that way, but that's the very thing you are trying to get past. What about just letting her feel hurt and betrayed and just be understanding? You could have some discussion along the lines of "I understand why you feel betrayed. Opening up about how I feel is new to me and I do want you to be the one I talk to so I hope you will be patient with me and I will plan to keep the marriage discussions between us and open up to others in situations that involve them."

I sort of feel like the blind leading the blind here because this is not my strong area either but I can certainly relate.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

oh, with one exception...speaking with a counselor is to help you sort through your thoughts and be a stronger person...I would hope she can appreciate your need to be open with the counselor.


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