# How soon do you tell your spouse you want a divorce?



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

I am in no shape to pack and leave any time soon, I have college to finish which my father in law helps out with, I have barely any job experience and I am terrified. I have never been on my own before. They know how to raise women out here to become dependent. Straight from parents house to my husband's. 

I have been contemplating divorce for a while and have finally decided to do it. I just don't know how or when to tell him. He has a temper and im also afraid of that. I have my parents I can move in with my family in texas (i live in Egypt right now) but they don't have the finances to support me while I find a job and im kinda scared my husband will not help me out, should our divorce go through, even though he said he would hypothetically. 

Some friends have told me to stick around till I get my degree (in 2 years). My husband also recently decided to move uw to Texas as well next year or so, and friends have also suggested I stay with him and move with him to make the transition easier.

Im 25 (yes I know 25 without a BA is ridiculous - I had panic disorder and took a lot of time off) and study broadcast journalism. I'm scared of not being able to make it on my own. Or because I have not been really 'out there', that I would crack from the pressure. I'm multi talented however. 

I don't want to act like everything is fine and use him for his money or support like that, it's not fair. But I can't even transfer to a university in Texas until I get my GPA up, which I plan to do this semester. 

I dunno what to do.

Do I express my desire for divorce now? Or wait till I have saved some money on the side and established a back up plan and a bit more independence? I want to be honest, im just scared he will turn on me or that our time together until we split will be unbearable.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

If you don't have children and can't bear your circumstances, would you consider staying with your parents and getting a job, putting your education on hold, while you figure out if you actually want to live with your husband anymore? Sounds like you're at your wits end, something has to give. Being in a foreign country probably isn't helping with your stress level.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> I am in no shape to pack and leave any time soon, I have college to finish which my father in law helps out with, I have barely any job experience and I am terrified. I have never been on my own before. They know how to raise women out here to become dependent. Straight from parents house to my husband's.
> 
> I have been contemplating divorce for a while and have finally decided to do it. I just don't know how or when to tell him. He has a temper and im also afraid of that.* I have my parents I can move in with in texas (i live in Egypt right now) but they don't have the finances to support me *while I find a job and im kinda scared my husband will not help me out, should our divorce go through, even though he said he would hypothetically.
> 
> ...


You tell him today that you want a divorce, or go to counseling and get a professional to help you. Your whole post is about how you cannot take care of yourself and justifications for *using* your husband for money and support. You are getting some really bad advice from your friends, I'm sure they would be upset if they found out the person who they thought loved them, only loved their money.

Also you are not only taking his money from him, you are stealing away his time, time he could be spending with a loving caring woman. Someone who actually loves him and doesn't just see him as a dollar sign.

If you are so afraid of him, go to a shelter, if they have them there. Or better yet, just go home to your parents. You say they do not have the funds to support you? Do you mean they don't have enough money to feed you for awhile, until you get a job? Or do you mean they can't pay for your schooling? If it's the latter, you shouldn't have any problem applying for student loans yourself.

People aren't just a stepping stone that can be used to get you where you want to be. They are real people with real emotions, regardless of their temper. Treat others as you would want to be treated. How would you feel if your H turned around and told you later he was just with you until someone better came along?

Is it possible some of these feelings are associated with your anxieties? Are you taking any medications or seeing a counselor to help you?


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: How soon do you tell your spouse you want a divorce?*



always_hopefull said:


> You tell him today that you want a divorce, or go to counseling and get a professional to help you. Your whole post is about how you cannot take care of yourself and justifications for *using* your husband for money and support. You are getting some really bad advice from your friends, I'm sure they would be upset if they found out the person who they thought loved them, only loved their money.
> 
> Also you are not only taking his money from him, you are stealing away his time, time he could be spending with a loving caring woman. Someone who actually loves him and doesn't just see him as a dollar sign.
> 
> ...


Oh no no no no... I love him. I always have. I'm just at a point where I feel more hurt than love.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: How soon do you tell your spouse you want a divorce?*



always_hopefull said:


> You tell him today that you want a divorce, or go to counseling and get a professional to help you. Your whole post is about how you cannot take care of yourself and justifications for *using* your husband for money and support. You are getting some really bad advice from your friends, I'm sure they would be upset if they found out the person who they thought loved them, only loved their money.
> 
> Also you are not only taking his money from him, you are stealing away his time, time he could be spending with a loving caring woman. Someone who actually loves him and doesn't just see him as a dollar sign.
> 
> ...


This is why I have been beating myself up all year about this. I don't want to use him like this at all. Even though we came close to splitting a few months ago and he said he would take care of me. 

My family lives by the dime right now but I guess my brothers could help. There's also a chance my Egyptian father might make a big deal out of me leaving and tell me not to come home and that I belong with my husband. He can be a bit controlling and he is very traditional. 

There are no shelters here. A lot of women stay with their husbands out here because there is no other place to go or their parents won't take them back. 

Gosh this is all such a huge change. And no I don't see my husband as a dollar sign. He actually barely makes any money for other than food. His dad has been supporting both of us. 

Sometimes I also find myself going back and forth about leaving. Like I said. i love him. Sometimes we start acting like we used to when we were good together and I feel connected again. 

I just feel like I need to start over and figure myself out cuz like you said, he deserves to spend his time with someone who wants to be with him, 100%.

Yes I think its partly due to my anxiety. However I have reduced that about 80 percent since when I had panic disorder. I used to be on medication but I no longer need it - doctor said so.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Also he wants out of Egypt and wants to move to Texas but he has no greencard, and im american.. So he in a way is using me back. I don't know if its wise to give him that, but I feel it's the least I can do. (will have to stay legally married for 3 years until he can apply for citizenship and for his greencard to stick, i think)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yes to the above. He can get the real card fairly quickly and it will "stick" after a while but the 3 year is for citizenship etc.


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