# Which is he afraid of?



## Lida (Aug 25, 2011)

I've been with "Ben" for nearly 16 months now. We just clicked from the time we first met and had one of the best summers of my life. He was in the process of buying a house then and he was so excited to share it with me. Every time I would refer to it as his home, he would correct me and say "our home". 

Five months into the relationship, he closed on his house and we moved in together. That's when things went downhill. I was there for 6 weeks. I came home from a meeting at 9pm on a Monday night. He was outside by the drive way waiting for me and looking very upset. I got out of the car and asked what was wrong. He said the whole relationship just wasn't going to work because we were very different people and I needed to get out. 

I was shocked! Just two days before we were talking about our wedding ideas.

I moved back in with my roommate and over the course of the next 3 months he was going from one extreme to another. One minute he couldn't be with me, the next he couldn't NOT be with me. Finally, I came to the end of my rope. I told him if he ever wanted to see me again, he needed to do 5 things. 
1. Respect me - i.e. answer my phone calls, return my text msg
2. Quit breaking up with me
3. Go see a counselor
4. Apologize to my mom (when i moved out he grossly insulted my family)
5. Confront his mom (she went from disapproving of me to detesting me in the midst of our 6 weeks living together)

That was 7 months ago. He has followed through on the first 3 items. He told his mom we're seeing each other again, but he has not addressed the issue. And she tells him it makes her sad that we are together.

In counseling he was diagnosed with depression (which I suffer from as well) and that as a coping strategy he learned to just shut down all emotion. However, when he met me I completely rocked his world. I'm a very open and honest person. I articulate what I think and feel very well. His counselor said it's part of what draws him to me and part of what makes him want to push me away. He's terrified of being vulnerable.

As you can imagine, it has caused a lot of stress and strain on me. I promised to stick by him while he worked this out. But this week (7 months after the diagnosis) I told him how I upset I was about the whole situation. I said to him, "Can't you see that I'm hurting? Every time you shove me away it hurts. Every time to keep me isolated from your family and refuse to deal with the issue it hurts. The way your family looks down on me and judges me hurts. It is your responsibility to undo this hurt because it is the mess you created."

He said something that indicated to me he was going to break up with me right there. I had considered that might happen if I said this to him and was prepared for it. But he never said it. We were traveling together this week for work and this conversation took place on Monday. Today is Wednesday...he's been quite distant most of the past two days and been a bit snarky at times.

Truly, I don't know what to do. Is it time to walk? Is this when you pull up your boot straps and refuse to give up on someone you deeply love? What more can I do to resolve the conflict between his family and me? I want to prove to them they've misjudged me, but I won't go around his back to do it. I'd love some advice and/or encouragement.

Thanks.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Lida, it's not time to walk away. It's time to run!
Ben obviously has some type of emotional/mental unbalance that he has not been able to get under control.
His Mom detests you.

Who do you think is going to have the major influence in this unbalanced man's life?

Move on, honey. Mr. Right is out there, but his name is not Ben.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He doesn't seem stable enough for a relationship. He's off, he's on, he's in-between. If in just 16 short months you have this much drama, my advice is to cut your losses and move on.

My bet is he demonized you to his mother/family when he was breaking up with you/about to break up with you to justify it in his mind but the fallout was huge and now his family doesn't like you. It happens all the time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lida said:


> He said something that indicated to me he was going to break up with me right there. I had considered that might happen if I said this to him and was prepared for it. But he never said it. We were traveling together this week for work and this conversation took place on Monday. Today is Wednesday...he's been quite distant most of the past two days and been a bit snarky at times.


This is the reaction you got after you told him how much it hurt you that he has isolated you from his family, and you told him to man-up and fix the mess he created.

Where is your confusion as to whether or not to leave this man-child? You deserve to be treated with respect; certainly not like this! The guy is immature and lacks the ability to make a serious commitment. You have given him enough time to get his act together.

My suggestion: you should exit, stage left, as quickly as possible. I wouldn't even give this character the benefit of a discussion or any explanations.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Love can only take a relationship so far. Don't spend anymore time thinking you may be able to help him. Just from personal experience, he will suck the life right out of you. You will lose yourself in his drama, don't think that if you love him enough he will eventually treat you the way you want...certainly didn't happen in my case. Get out now, it's for your own good.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

From what I can see, he's a momma's boy. You moved in together against mommy's wishes. Mommy is constantly on his case, he breaks up to make mommy happy. Feels sad wants you back, mommy again is sad and mad, breaks up with you again.

Rinse/repeat. Well that's my opinion anyways.

Why does his mom not like you, YOU'RE TAKING HER BABY AWAY!

My mom was the same, had to tell her this is the girl I want and that's that. Mom didn't say another word again about it and respected my decision. She didn't have to like it, but she had to respect it.


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