# I'm the OW



## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't know who to talk to and need to write my story. I've been in a relationship with a married man for about a year and had no idea until he told me a few days ago. I was devastated. Words cannot even describe how sick and disgusted I feel about the whole thing. It was without a doubt the most horrific conversation I've ever had in my life. It's been nearly a week and I still feel noxious every moment of the day. I’ve cried for days. We've talked several times since but I refuse to see to him. Until last Friday, I actually thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I could sense something was eating at him, but never in a million years did I think it would be that he has a wife and two kids he's been hiding from me. He says he's been totally honest about everything else, his story adds up but the web of lies is so thick, how can I ever possibly trust him again?
I met him at bar through an acquaintance in my acting class. A group of us often go out after class to a bar for dancing or karaoke or something. It was his friend’s birthday so he was there to celebrate. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him. I wasn’t looking for a ring, most of my friends are still single, but he definitely didn’t have one. I came to learn he is 40, but at the time I was actually thinking I was too old for him. I’m 28. He has boyish good looks. So “married” would not have crossed my mind in a million years. So we hit it off immediately with great conversation and chemistry. I didn't need the birthday shots of tequila and they only enhanced a fun festive night. We danced a bit but he never made a move – I figured he was shy. As we were parting ways, I volunteered my number innocently, like “let’s keep in touch” and we exchanged numbers, though I never heard from him. I was a little disappointed because I was certain we had a connection and he was going to call. But I have no problems getting dates so I quickly forgot about it.
Two months later I randomly bump into him in a supermarket. He’s alone and I’m pretty sure again no ring but again not looking. We chat and flirt again, teasing him about not calling. He told me he was living with someone and it didn’t feel right seeing other girls even though he was unhappy in the relationship. He said he was still in a relationship but we should be friends. We agreed to have lunch and did a few days later. Again it just felt “right” but respecting the friendship thing, we just hugged and I just filed it away as “a maybe something in the future”.
Then about a month later he texts me asking me if I’ll be at the same bar we met at after my acting class that week. The only way he would know that was through his friend in my class, Drew. I had no idea how sinister that little tidbit was going to be. I just thought he was interested and I liked him so I said “maybe” but was going for sure. So when I see him he tells me that he broke up with his GF for good and just moved out. Let’s just say it didn’t long for us to hookup and I was at his place that night. The place looked barely lived in but it made sense if he supposedly just moved out a couple weeks ago. We spent nearly every moment of the next two weeks together.
So for over a year he carried on a charade I was totally clueless about. I mean there were little hints everywhere and now in hindsight it is obvious. But I had absolutely no reason to suspect anything. I spent so many nights at his apartment sometimes I practically lived there. He travels a lot for work as do I. So it’s been completely normal to not see each other for like two weeks and then spend a great deal of time together. I’ve met people from his work and several of his friends and not a single person said a goddam word. I’m so pissed at Drew, his friend from the acting class because not only did he know this whole time, he facilitated it. We’re really just acquaintances through the class and WERE (past tense) casual friends at best.
So he tells me last week that when he met me that night, he knew I was the “one”, but he wouldn’t consider cheating even though he was miserable in his marriage. So he didn’t call me. He said he thought about me for several days but went on with his life. When we bumped into each other at the supermarket he took it as a sign. Then he said after our lunch he was 100% percent convinced he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So he proceeds to rent out an apartment and furnish it and recruits Drew to setup another meeting with me so that he can seduce me. He also timed it so that he’d be available because his wife and kids went to her parents place in Europe for two weeks every year. I want to vomit as I’m typing this. He didn’t see many of his friends because most of them were married now. He has a few very recent friends we did stuff with but I don’t know if they know he’s married. His parents live on the East Coast as does his brother. We’ve talked about going out this past holiday to meet them but never made any plans. He said he was not close to them, but in fact now reveals that he is. We’ve been friends from facebook since almost day one. Pictures with me are plastered all over his facebook page. He tells me now you can create groups of friends in facebook so you can basically live a double life online through one account. I don’t even know how to tell my friends or family about this, I’m so horrified. He says he confessed to me because he’s leaving his wife and want to marry me. He says there has been nobody else, there will be nobody else and I'm the only one for him. How can I believe him? I’m weeping so much I can’t even write anymore. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to reply but I thought just writing this would help. I haven't told anyone yet except my best friend. I have to log off…


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

something I found ion another site. I was thinking you posted this initially . read it



> Should I(25F) call my ex boyfriend's(40M) wife(57F)? (self.relationships)
> submitted 3 hours ago by sausagebox
> A couple of years ago I started seeing an older man. He was a coworker. The story I got was that he was going through a divorce. He didn't wear a wedding ring around me or at work. We saw each other for about three months. He would come over and we would have sex. He even spent the night at my place a couple of times. I was becoming very attached. I fell in love.
> He spent the night at my place on VALENTINE'S DAY. What married man would be allowed to do that?
> ...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Again, if you think about marrying this guy, regardless of whether or not you knew he was married, relationships that start as affairs only have a 3% chance of working out. As well, would you trust him? If I got together with a guy who was cheating on his wife..at some point I would think hmmmm I wonder if he will do the same thing to me. Good luck with that!!! You picked a winner!


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

So he bought another apartment just for you? There were never times where he wouldn't answer your phone call, ignore you for days? 

Just.. How can you NOT know! After a YEAR? Wow. 

Are you planning on telling his wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: I'm the OW*



greenetree said:


> I don't know who to talk to and need to write my story. I've been in a relationship with a married man for about a year and had no idea until he told me a few days ago. I was devastated. Words cannot even describe how sick and disgusted I feel about the whole thing. It was without a doubt the most horrific conversation I've ever had in my life. It's been nearly a week and I still feel noxious every moment of the day. I’ve cried for days. We've talked several times since but I refuse to see to him. Until last Friday, I actually thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I could sense something was eating at him, but never in a million years did I think it would be that he has a wife and two kids he's been hiding from me. He says he's been totally honest about everything else, his story adds up but the web of lies is so thick, how can I ever possibly trust him again?
> I met him at bar through an acquaintance in my acting class. A group of us often go out after class to a bar for dancing or karaoke or something. It was his friend’s birthday so he was there to celebrate. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him. I wasn’t looking for a ring, most of my friends are still single, but he definitely didn’t have one. I came to learn he is 40, but at the time I was actually thinking I was too old for him. I’m 28. He has boyish good looks. So “married” would not have crossed my mind in a million years. So we hit it off immediately with great conversation and chemistry. I didn't need the birthday shots of tequila and they only enhanced a fun festive night. We danced a bit but he never made a move – I figured he was shy. As we were parting ways, I volunteered my number innocently, like “let’s keep in touch” and we exchanged numbers, though I never heard from him. I was a little disappointed because I was certain we had a connection and he was going to call. But I have no problems getting dates so I quickly forgot about it.
> Two months later I randomly bump into him in a supermarket. He’s alone and I’m pretty sure again no ring but again not looking. We chat and flirt again, teasing him about not calling. He told me he was living with someone and it didn’t feel right seeing other girls even though he was unhappy in the relationship. He said he was still in a relationship but we should be friends. We agreed to have lunch and did a few days later. Again it just felt “right” but respecting the friendship thing, we just hugged and I just filed it away as “a maybe something in the future”.
> Then about a month later he texts me asking me if I’ll be at the same bar we met at after my acting class that week. The only way he would know that was through his friend in my class, Drew. I had no idea how sinister that little tidbit was going to be. I just thought he was interested and I liked him so I said “maybe” but was going for sure. So when I see him he tells me that he broke up with his GF for good and just moved out. Let’s just say it didn’t long for us to hookup and I was at his place that night. The place looked barely lived in but it made sense if he supposedly just moved out a couple weeks ago. We spent nearly every moment of the next two weeks together.
> ...


hi!


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

> how can I ever possibly trust him again?


 You don't. He's married. That's his wife's problem.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

So...he lied to you for a year and expects you to marry him?!

Bwahahahaaaa!! What a maroon.

You are reeling from this and he's like, "I want to marry you...". Do not talk to him. Do not talk to this Drew "friend". Get off his Facebook list and do your best to move on.

I know a bit how you feel. About 15 years ago, I met a woman at this place where I was a dancer. She got a private dance and well, that's a normal thing that happened. Somehow she found out where I worked and sent me flowers and saw me again the following week at the club. She asked me out to dinner. Blah, blah, blah...a few nights in some hotels here and there - she always paid by the way...and one morning we're out for breakfast. It was raining cats and dogs and after breakfast and in her car she tells me that she's married. She said that her husband gave her a free pass for 30 days to "work it out of her system".

I was crushed. I got out of the car and walked 2 miles back to the hotel and got in my car and left. I never spoke to her again.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know it seems so self centered that the OW is worrying about trusting her man (someone else's husband). 

How dare he cheat on you with his wife..what a bastard to do that to you (insert sarcasm here)

You also realize that you are only hearing one side of the story about their marriage as well...


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

OH. Another thing. 

He DOESN'T wanna marry you, he's just saying it so you have a reason to stay with him. I doubt he'll leave his wife otherwise he'd have done it already?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is one thing that the WS does quite well...they only reveal one side of the marriage. In my case, as if my H told his OW about the stuff that I had to put up with over 20+ years of being married to him...doubt he did!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

greenetree said:


> I came to learn he is 40, but at the time I was actually thinking I was too old for him. I’m 28. He has boyish good looks. So “married” would not have crossed my mind in a million years. So we hit it off immediately with great conversation and chemistry. …


oh dear, if youth is so valuable, why do these young women waste their time not only with married men, but men who will always be a father to another family. 

You can't find anyone decent if not closer to your age, then at least someone who can focus on you for therest of your life /or marriage in any case?


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

ubercoolpanda said:


> So he bought another apartment just for you? There were never times where he wouldn't answer your phone call, ignore you for days?
> 
> Just.. How can you NOT know! After a YEAR? Wow.
> 
> ...


I took a walk to clear my head.

He makes alot of money so he can afford it. I act and bartend, and also have a sales job that I travel for alot. My hours are totally irregular so some days I sleep til 1PM and am up pretty late most of the time. Sometimes he seemed overtired but I just chalked that off to being 40. He basically kept up with our lifestyle and obviously spent time with family when I was travelling or keeping odd hours. His apartment and office is near mine but his family lives about 15 miles away. In LA that's like the other side of the world... 

There we many times he didn't answer a call but he said he was with clients. He had two cells phones. One for work and one for personal. He'd get calls all hours of the night so it seemed perfectly reasonable to keep two phones. Little did I know I was on his "work" phone all this time and not on his "personal" phone. He is an attorney and has NDAs with his clients. Sometimes he'd take calls in front of me and assure the client the call was confidential. Other times he'd step out of the room. Now I know why.

I mean there was evidence all over the place but he was so damn calculating. On our first trip we went to Playa del Carmen last April I saw he was married on his passport. But like a week before he casually mentioned this Belgian friend, who I now realize is his wife, that he married so that she could get a green card. I asked if they were romantically involved and he said never and that he barely even saw her anymore after the INS interview, but they had to stay married a few more years. So there were a few other instances her name would appear and we just joked about it.

Just like two weeks ago we watched a movie on Netflix called Another Earth about a romance between a woman who killed the man's family in a car accident but he doesn't realize until she confesses. Afterwards we talked about if you could love someone after discovering some horrible lie. I said I could if I really loved the person but f**k him. Was that a setup too???

I have spent the last 4 days retracing and rethinking every single thing I did with this man for a YEAR!!!

I'm not stupid but I feel like the dummest woman on earth. I mean I'm way too street smart to have this **** pulled on me for a whole year.


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

highwood said:


> I know it seems so self centered that the OW is worrying about trusting her man (someone else's husband).
> 
> How dare he cheat on you with his wife..what a bastard to do that to you (insert sarcasm here)
> 
> You also realize that you are only hearing one side of the story about their marriage as well...


He says he already left her and is at the apartment all the time right now. I took all my **** Friday night. I don't want to be a homewrecker. I've never met her but I know where they live now. I've seen the entire REAL facebook page.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

I would contact her and tell her everything.
My husbands OW called me and told me. Dont tell her lie's, it only makes it worse. Just write to her and stick to the facts, She wont care how much you are hurt or sick etc. Facts without any lie's will help her to make a choice and believe you more then she believes him.

I strongly suggest you dont stay with him. Imagine your life in a few years, with a child and financially bonded to him, then he cheats on you, because he will cheat on you....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I feel for you. Because he cheated on you as well as on his wife.

What to do? For one thing, you need to out Drew as the cad, bounder and dastard that he is. After all, if he'll do this, what else might he do?

And out the cheater as well as Drew.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

greenetree said:


> He says he already left her and is at the apartment all the time right now. I took all my **** Friday night. I don't want to be a homewrecker. I've never met her but I know where they live now. I've seen the entire REAL facebook page.


Um, no. He hasn't left her. You want to find out for sure? Call her. Tell her who you are and that her husband has been having an affair with you for the past year (I'll bet that's going to answer a LOT of questions for her!) Say "I just wanted to call and find out if it's true that he has left you and plans to divorce." (Be ready for complete confirmation on what you've been hearing on this site.) When she expresses shock and dismay, beg her forgiveness for your willing ignorance and offer to give her all evidence you have of the affair. You will be doing this woman the biggest favor you will probably ever do for another human being. She deserves to know what she's married to; a hound-dog who will take money away from their children to set up a love nest for another woman who is naive enough to engage in an affair with a married man. 

And even if he DID leave her? (Unlikely!) It would be a temporary measure to convince you that he is serious. You don't EVEN want to go there - the volleyball game that would ensue is nothing anyone should willingly sign up for. He'd be with you Mon-Fri, spend weekends with the wife and kids, or vice-versa, etc. He would whine to you that she is a beeyotch who is making him watch the kids at the house all weekend. Or, he has to be there because dear son needs a root canal and wants him there for support, blah blah blah, ad nauseum. The truth of the matter would be that he is home with his family (where he SHOULD be) sharing fun and laughter with his wife and kids, visiting relatives, making love with his wife and snuggling up with her to sleep at night. Would you be even a passing thought in his head? Possibly. He might think of you in passing after a night of lovemaking with his wife, just before drifting off to sleep. And he will count his blessings that he has such a trusting and wonderful wife and family, AND a little bit of strange on the side to add a little forbidden excitement to his life. Is that what you want to be? 

Talk to his wife. And then CUT AND RUN. And consider yourself fortunate that you didn't get in any deeper with this piece of human waste.


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

He has completely betrayed you and is a rampant cheater. Don't continue to be involved. He's dispicable and you know it

Contact his wife immediately by phone when he's not around. 

Don't allow yourself to go down this road. Google "mistress" and read up. You'd be in for a life of disappointment. 

Do the right thing here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlexDeLarge (Jan 28, 2012)

ubercoolpanda said:


> So he bought another apartment just for you? There were never times where he wouldn't answer your phone call, ignore you for days?
> 
> Just.. How can you NOT know! After a YEAR? Wow.
> 
> ...


I used to think the same thing but apparently he has a lot of money to burn. I work in IT and we have some very well off clients. Once I had a jet setter client who JUST got back from his honeymoon and an IM popped up on the screen from a hooker/mistress talking dirty to him. It was a long thread back and forth. I shook my head and just went about my job.

I had another client who routinely had us go out to his "boom boom room" to setup WiFi etc. Then like 6 months later we setup "boom boom room #2". I casually asked him "What happened to "boom boom room #1?" He smiled and said "it was compromised". I felt so sorry for his wife...

I could share a dozen more stories. You get the gist.

OP, my point is, the guy from my first stories might as well be the guy from the second story who might as well be your "dream" guy. First he has a boom boom room (where you stayed with him), then later he sets up boom boom room #2 for his stripper friend to come over after he gets back from his honeymoon (with you).


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

committedwife said:


> Um, no. He hasn't left her. You want to find out for sure? Call her. Tell her who you are and that her husband has been having an affair with you for the past year (I'll bet that's going to answer a LOT of questions for her!) Say "I just wanted to call and find out if it's true that he has left you and plans to divorce." (Be ready for complete confirmation on what you've been hearing on this site.) When she expresses shock and dismay, beg her forgiveness for your willing ignorance and offer to give her all evidence you have of the affair. You will be doing this woman the biggest favor you will probably ever do for another human being. She deserves to know what she's married to; a hound-dog who will take money away from their children to set up a love nest for another woman who is naive enough to engage in an affair with a married man.


He told me I can talk to her if I want. But I still think that is the right thing to do. Do I do this FTF or by email? I don't know if I could handle FTF. I'm a wreck right now. I haven't really slept since Friday or gone to work all week. But I don't really give a **** about the bartending job. My sales job is contract work but it's my main source of income. I can't afford to blow that. I need to leave for Chicago tomorrow and be at the auto show for 10 days. I don't have any idea how I'm going to conduct myself or cope while I'm there.

He's texting me constantly.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Yes, contact her. Be honest with her.
This man is a con artist. He didn't leave his BW out of love for you.
How can you - anybody - trust someone capable of dealing this calculated double life for so long?
I'm very sorry you were duped. This man is no good news. At all. This is very clear, he will do with you the same. It's very likely he has been doing it for years and years, he's skilled lier.

It will take time for your heart follow your head but you must go NC with this man. Dark on him. Blsok him inthe cell, facebook, whatever. Get rid of mementoes, gifts...

I'm so sorry. Lean on real friends.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

greenetree said:


> He told me I can talk to her if I want. But I still think that is the right thing to do. Do I do this FTF or by email?


Go see her. He's being awfully free with his 'permission' to talk to his wife. I don't trust him. (As you shouldn't, either.) For all you know, you could be talking on the phone to his secretary. 

Plus, she deserves more than an email, don'tcha think?

ETA: He's texting you constantly? Next text: ask to immediately speak to his wife. Let's see what he says.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

greentree listen to commitedwife she knows what shes talking about, shes been there done that and knows all the lies


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

committedwife said:


> Go see her. He's being awfully free with his 'permission' to talk to his wife. I don't trust him. (As you shouldn't, either.) For all you know, you could be talking on the phone to his secretary.
> 
> Plus, she deserves more than an email, don'tcha think?
> 
> ETA: He's texting you constantly? Next text: ask to immediately speak to his wife. Let's see what he says.


If I were her I'd want FTF. But I'm leaving for 10 days tomorrow morning though. If go there now surely the kids are home. Maybe he is too. I can't deal with that. I haven't responded to a single text or call since Monday. Should I do it to demand to speak to her now?
I didn't do a single thing wrong here and I feel so dirty. It's not bad enough he a fraud, he's brought me down to his level.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

greenetree said:


> how can I ever possibly trust him again?…


Why are you even asking this?

Do you seriously think you should ever speak to him again?

You don't NEED to trust him again BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

You didn't do anything wrong before the reveal. Since you've known, though you haven't exactly taken the high road. Why would you want to be bothered with him even if his story IS true? A man with kids just beginning divorce proceedings? Remember, he's still married until that piece of paper is stamped. Surely you can do better? You must be attractive or he wouldn't have started something with you. 

Or go NC and wait it out. If he stays single and waits for you then maybe it would be worth a look. 

Hell, you're in love you're probably not going to take any of this advice anyway. But I hope you do move on before you get your heart really broken.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call his wife right now. Tell her you can meet with her next week when you return. That will give both of you time to get calm.


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

committedwife said:


> Go see her. He's being awfully free with his 'permission' to talk to his wife. I don't trust him. (As you shouldn't, either.) For all you know, you could be talking on the phone to his secretary.
> 
> Plus, she deserves more than an email, don'tcha think?
> 
> ETA: He's texting you constantly? Next text: ask to immediately speak to his wife. Let's see what he says.


I was in this position not so long ago, In my case the W was aware. I spoke to her in person and even if she did not want to know it made me feel like I had done my part as a decent member of society.
If it was your H you would want someone to have the decency to talk to you FTF, it shows that you are sincere. Also the majority of what we say is conveyed via body language, so FTF is the best way to go but it is hard. 

Good luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you are any evidence such as email, letters, notes, etc from this guy? If you do, put them on a CD to give his wife. Down load any txts you have on your phone to give her as well. 

Give her the address of the "love pad". if you have a key to it give her the key.

Do you have photos? Give her electronic copies of the photos you have of him and you.

She will need evidence because he will deny everything. He will most likely tell her that you are crazy and have been stalking him.

Ask her if he has cheated before that she knows of. He very likely has.


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

cherish said:


> You didn't do anything wrong before the reveal. Since you've known, though you haven't exactly taken the high road. Why would you want to be bothered with him even if his story IS true? A man with kids just beginning divorce proceedings? Remember, he's still married until that piece of paper is stamped. Surely you can do better? You must be attractive or he wouldn't have started something with you.
> 
> Or go NC and wait it out. If he stays single and waits for you then maybe it would be worth a look.
> 
> Hell, you're in love you're probably not going to take any of this advice anyway. But I hope you do move on before you get your heart really broken.


OK so I texted him back saying I wanted to talk to her immediately. He said he's at the aptmt and not with her. I said I wanted to call her and he texted me her cell phone. I called and it went to voice mail and it had a woman's voice with an accent. I couldn't leave a voice mail so hung up. I'll call later but how do I know this isn't just another premeditated ploy? He started offering for me to contact her once I went silent so who knows what he has setup. He's really smart and resourceful in case that wasn't obvious already.

I'm going to drive by the apartment to see if he's really home. Nobody worry I'm not going to see him.

Thanks for all the support and advice everyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You really should not have told him that you want to talk to her. There is no telling what he has told her.

Or, you might be right that it's her number at all. It could be just a female friend who is covering for him. 

After you make sure he's at the apartment, maybe you could drive to the house and see if she is there. And stop telling him what our plans are.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Don't fall for it. Period. Don't worry about talking to "her" and if you have a smartphone, you can block his texts. No contact. Move on with your life. This guy has played you for a year. Don't let him play you another day longer.


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do you are any evidence such as email, letters, notes, etc from this guy? If you do, put them on a CD to give his wife. Down load any txts you have on your phone to give her as well.
> 
> Give her the address of the "love pad". if you have a key to it give her the key.
> 
> ...


Are you kidding me??? We had pictures all over the apartment. I am all over his fake facebook. I must have instagrammed us like 50 different places. I have no shortage of evidence. I still can't believe this actually. I want someone to wake me up from this nightmare.

I mean he called me Friday and said he had something he wanted to talk to me about. When I saw him I thought he might propose because he was so serious. Then he tells me its something I wasn't going to like. I swear I thought even if he tells me he wants to become a woman or something I might have accepted it. But a relationship that has been one big enormous lie.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You really should not have told him that you want to talk to her. There is no telling what he has told her.
> 
> Or, you might be right that it's her number at all. It could be just a female friend who is covering for him.
> 
> After you make sure he's at the apartment, maybe you could drive to the house and see if she is there. And stop telling him what our plans are.


Agree, and now that you have done this (and screwed up) you really have no choice but to go FTF with this. This a$$hole is a player to the nth degree, and I'm sure he has a good stockpile of women ready to help him...as long as he takes care of them. And he will.

Are you absolutely sure the home info you have on him is correct? I would do some serious googling of this guy and see what you can find. I would bet you are in for one rude awakening as to how much you've been duped in this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

greenetree said:


> Are you kidding me??? We had pictures all over the apartment. I am all over his fake facebook. I must have instagrammed us like 50 different places. I have no shortage of evidence. I still can't believe this actually. I want someone to wake me up from this nightmare.
> 
> I mean he called me Friday and said he had something he wanted to talk to me about. When I saw him I thought he might propose because he was so serious. Then he tells me its something I wasn't going to like. I swear I thought even if he tells me he wants to become a woman or something I might have accepted it. But a relationship that has been one big enormous lie.


You are going out of town tomorrow right? Maybe your best bet is to lay low and not talk to her tonight since it's so late.

Take the next 10 days to investigate and find out where she works. Or find out for sure where they live.

If you find out where she works go to her work and tell her. You need to meet her somewhere that he does not expect and where he cannot stop you or get something you send her and keep her from getting it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And greenetree, you need to pick one friend or family member to tell. You need someone who knows you and cares about you for support. If it's a friend, it has to be a female.

Who is this person (not name.. just like sister, BBF, that kind of info on here)? So who can you tell to help support you?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He s a cheating liar. He cheated on his wife and kids, he lied to you and wasted your the with him.

Oh, me he's way older than you.

Dump this guy cold and permanently. You've seen now twice hw he treats women - look at how he's treated his wife and how he treated you.

Does thus guy sell used cars?


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

The OW that contacted me - she told my husband that she was going to tell me, and he said go ahead. It took her 6 months to finally say something. My husband said he didnt actually think she would call me because she threatened to do it so often, and he told her to just go ahead and call me... She sure surprised him.

I would have prefered she emailed me or wrote to me. I would have prefered she told me the whole truth instead of any type of lies, and I definately could have done without how bad she was hurting and that she was still in love with my husband. She actually ordered me to wake him up and put him on the phone... 

My advice to you is call her, or write to her. Write out the bare facts of things on a paper so you stick to it. Times you both went away, etc, then a line of comunication so she can contact you at a later time if she needs more information.

Please tell me you are done with him...


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

greenetree said:


> Are you kidding me??? We had pictures all over the apartment. I am all over his fake facebook. I must have instagrammed us like 50 different places. I have no shortage of evidence. I still can't believe this actually. I want someone to wake me up from this nightmare.
> 
> I mean he called me Friday and said he had something he wanted to talk to me about. When I saw him I thought he might propose because he was so serious. Then he tells me its something I wasn't going to like. I swear I thought even if he tells me he wants to become a woman or something I might have accepted it. But a relationship that has been one big enormous lie.


Honestly, why are you acting like the only victim in this situation? I realize you "just found out he was married", but come on now...his wife and kids are the real victims. And if you feel deceived I can only imagine how awful his wife will feel. And if you cared, are sick to your stomach and feel stupid...do something about it, like out him to his wife and move on with yours. Don't entertain the possibility of being with this "super selfish ******* douche"....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You really should not have told him that you want to talk to her. There is no telling what he has told her.
> 
> Or, you might be right that it's her number at all. It could be just a female friend who is covering for him.
> 
> After you make sure he's at the apartment, maybe you could drive to the house and see if she is there. And stop telling him what our plans are.


I did exactly what committedwife and terrence4159 advised!!! I was thinking of doing it anyway.

OK my turn to do some cloak and dagger. I did a public records search on the home address he gave me and it listed as a family trust in his last name. I assume that means he owns it?? He doesn't own the condo. I drove by his place and the lights were on but didn't see him. I called him *67 and heard his cell phone ring and hung up. So he must have been there. I verified that he is listed with the CA state bar - no surprise there but dont know what to believe anymore.


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> And greenetree, you need to pick one friend or family member to tell. You need someone who knows you and cares about you for support. If it's a friend, it has to be a female.
> 
> Who is this person (not name.. just like sister, BBF, that kind of info on here)? So who can you tell to help support you?


I already told my BBF. She was with me all weekend. She really liked him and was stunned. She said she now thinks in all likelihood he's a total scumbag but told me not to do anything rash. She told me to wait until I get back from Chicago. It will get me time away from the situation to calm down and assess. She's been incredibly supportive but has been working during the week.


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> Honestly, why are you acting like the only victim in this situation? I realize you "just found out he was married", but come on now...his wife and kids are the real victims. And if you feel deceived I can only imagine how awful his wife will feel. And if you cared, are sick to your stomach and feel stupid...do something about it, like out him to his wife and move on with yours. Don't entertain the possibility of being with this "super selfish ******* douche"....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly because whenever I think about it makes me feel ill. I'm really sad for his kids.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

This is awful. At least you did not know that he was married. I would say that he is not the type of guy you should take seriously, or make any sort of real commitments with, despite the time you've invested in him. This man ignored his children and his wife of who knows how many years, to be with you. Therefore, the likely hood of him finding another 'the one', while he is with you, remains high. You know the right thing for him to do was for him to divorce his wife and then come after you. He seems like a teenager with a crush. Except, he's an adult, at 40, he may even be going through a midlife crisis, who knows. He knows better and you know better. Unfortunately, if you continue with him now that you know he is married, you will become an accomplice in his little games. You and he will be collaboratively hurting his family. I do believe he could have hid this for you for over a year. My husband hid so much stuff from me over our marriage, that sometimes I even ask myself, how I could've been so blind, and I'm a smart woman. I'm sure you're smart too, so don't make a stupid decision. 
Let him solve his problem, he decided to stray and wants to drag you down with him. Do you really want to fall off this cliff with him? In the future, the children WILL know you were the other woman that caused their mother to hurt so much. There is a chance they will resent you. Is this really the best you can do? Settle for a cheater?, I think you can do a lot better.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

greenetree said:


> Honestly because whenever I think about it makes me feel ill. I'm really sad for his kids.


I did not mean to come off rude. I realize you too are a victim. However, to proof that you care about the effect on his children...quit seeing him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kaya62003 said:


> I did not mean to come off rude. I realize you too are a victim. However, to proof that you care about the effect on his children...quit seeing him!


She has quit seeing him.


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## greenetree (Feb 6, 2013)

I went to their house this morning and saw the wife. When she opened the door she immediately knew who I was. I told her I was sorry and I didn't know he was married. And I apologized for the kids. She was visibly distraught but didn't say much at first. Through it all I think I cried more than she did. She told me that he moved out already and left for me though he said I refused to see him. She suspects there were other women but he denied it. She said she has suspected for quite some time but had no confirmation until he confessed right before moving out. It all happened Thursday before he came and saw me. She said she doesn't have any anger towards me but doesn't want any further contact. So I left and went to the airport. I'm in the hotel in Chicago now. I'm so relieved to be here because I think I can sleep in this dark room away from it all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm proud of you. You did the right thing.

If you have her email, you may consider one last thing: tell her about this website so she can come for help.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

greenetree said:


> I went to their house this morning and saw the wife. When she opened the door she immediately knew who I was. I told her I was sorry and I didn't know he was married. And I apologized for the kids. She was visibly distraught but didn't say much at first. Through it all I think I cried more than she did. She told me that he moved out already and left for me though he said I refused to see him. She suspects there were other women but he denied it. She said she has suspected for quite some time but had no confirmation until he confessed right before moving out. It all happened Thursday before he came and saw me. She said she doesn't have any anger towards me but doesn't want any further contact. So I left and went to the airport. I'm in the hotel in Chicago now. I'm so relieved to be here because I think I can sleep in this dark room away from it all.


This was incredibly brave of you. You just restored my faith in humanity a little bit.

So sorry for the pain you are going through. I can't imagine what this must be like for you.

Hugs to you. You did the right thing. Long term, I hope that's enough for you to recover.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow. I knew I felt a goodness in the Force today.

Thank you and good luck. Take care of YOU. Don't contact this guy and don't let him contact you. Be at peace.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And have fun at the car show!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good for you!! What you did took a lot of strength.

Hopefully he will leave you alone now.

Enjoy Chicago and the show. It's a good change of scene for you right now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well done.

Now cut him out forever. No contact at all. Like he was dead and gone or never existed. Let him prey on some other woman.

Btw, you can help,the next victim. Post him on cheatervile.com.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

That is great that you did that. I do hope that you stay away from him. I do not believe that he will change, and will treat you the same way eventually. When could you trust him? Listen to your inner voice.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Good for you! I am glad you did the right thing...just stay strong and keep this man out of your life

What you did takes guts! That is one thing alot of the AP's do not have. I know my H's OW did not have the guts to contact me..she was a coward.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Which young (immature) woman, emotionally attached to a married man, is really going to not be flattered that he left his wife and children for her? Sounds like a typical screen play. I seriously doubt that this "NC" is going to last very long. One could only hope that greenetree values herself enough to not be a scorer of brownie points in determining her real worth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Crossing finger so greenetree stick to her deicision. She will regret endessly is she fails herself.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

greenetree said:


> I did exactly what committedwife and terrence4159 advised!!! I was thinking of doing it anyway.
> 
> OK my turn to do some cloak and dagger. I did a public records search on the home address he gave me and it listed as a family trust in his last name. I assume that means he owns it?? He doesn't own the condo. I drove by his place and the lights were on but didn't see him. I called him *67 and heard his cell phone ring and hung up. So he must have been there. I verified that he is listed with the CA state bar - no surprise there but dont know what to believe anymore.


His house is owned by a family trust because he's an attorney. Attorneys never put their homes in their own name - if they are sued, they don't want their homes threatened in a lawsuit. 

You need to knock on the door and talk to his wife when you know he's not at home. 

Best way to do that? Arrange to meet him at the love nest/apartment he's got. While he's there, waiting for you, go to his house to talk to her.

It is imperative that you talk to her and tell her about the affair.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

karma45 said:


> My advice to you is call her, or write to her.


Oh, dear, no. 

Give this woman the respect she deserves and give this situation the gravity it demands by meeting with her face to face. This is above and beyond an email, or a phone call, or a twitter or facebook comment - this is monumental in her life. This changes EVERYTHING she ever thought she knew about her life. She deserves better than a sterile, electronic notice that the world she knew is now over. 

And from a housekeeping standpoint: how easy would it be, for her dirt-bag husband to poo-poo an email or a phone call? VERY easy; "Oh, BW, that's Joe Blow's wife - he's never gotten over the day I got his job and he wasn't promoted, blah blah blah..."


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

greenetree said:


> I did exactly what committedwife and terrence4159 advised!!! I was thinking of doing it anyway.


No, greenetree, I would NEVER have advised you to give your hound-dog a head's up about talking to his wife. That is hugely counter-productive to what you need to do. 

I'm still getting caught up on your thread, but I had to comment on this - the worst thing a person can do is to give their wayward a head's up that they're going to expose to ANYONE.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

committedwife said:


> His house is owned by a family trust because he's an attorney. Attorneys never put their homes in their own name - if they are sued, they don't want their homes threatened in a lawsuit.
> 
> You need to knock on the door and talk to his wife when you know he's not at home.
> 
> ...


The OP has already gone to the family home and spoken to his wife. You must have missed that.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

greenetree said:


> I already told my BBF. She was with me all weekend. She really liked him and was stunned. She said she now thinks in all likelihood he's a total scumbag but told me not to do anything rash. She told me to wait until I get back from Chicago. It will get me time away from the situation to calm down and assess. She's been incredibly supportive but has been working during the week.


Okay. Let's look at this. 

He's married with kids. 

What do you need to calm down and assess?


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

greenetree said:


> I went to their house this morning and saw the wife. When she opened the door she immediately knew who I was. I told her I was sorry and I didn't know he was married. And I apologized for the kids. She was visibly distraught but didn't say much at first. Through it all I think I cried more than she did. She told me that he moved out already and left for me though he said I refused to see him. She suspects there were other women but he denied it. She said she has suspected for quite some time but had no confirmation until he confessed right before moving out. It all happened Thursday before he came and saw me. She said she doesn't have any anger towards me but doesn't want any further contact. So I left and went to the airport. I'm in the hotel in Chicago now. I'm so relieved to be here because I think I can sleep in this dark room away from it all.


Just got caught up to this post: GOOD FOR YOU for telling his wife what she's married to! She wouldn't say much; she is in shock. Did she actually say he told her that he moved out for you?

Doesn't matter. You're dealing with a man who has now left a wife and little kids for another woman with whom he has no history. He's a loser. You don't need this guy in your life.

You have a bit more to do: change your cell phone number and any other contact avenues: emails addresses, block him from your Facebook, etc.

You're done with this loser.


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