# Confronted him about the escort searches....



## Goodwoman (Dec 11, 2009)

So, I confronted the H about why was he searching for escorts in our city and zipcode, and that he obviously lied about the backpage girls' numbers that were in his phone when he was in Oklahoma a year ago who also had escort ads. His reponse was some story about how he saw on tv that the "video vixen" girls were used and then turned into *****s on the internet and he was curious as to if that were true." Okay....but the searches weren't for video vixens--they were for escorts and escort service places of business, and an escort's phone number had been googled. Am I really supposed to believe that explanation? I've let him know how hurt I am, and that even if he didn't "do anything" as he claims, the fact that he went online searching for escorts in our zipcode is a red flag problem to me. If I couple that with the numbers in his old work phone that he tried to explain away as being there because someone else that he was letting use his phone put them there (and there were middle of the night calls made to those numbers while he was in their city), then what am I supposed to think? What else should I do? I can't get to his phone records, and he rarely brings his office computer (where he spends the vast majority of his time) home. The searches I found were on our home computer that he is rarely on.:scratchhead:


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Your instincts are most certainly right. 
If you approach him with force, with a fight, it will be what he is expecting and he may in his mind further justify his actions.
If you approach him with your ego down, and show you're hurt, and explain why it hurts and that you love him, he would hopefully soften - and perhaps give some truth. In his mind he is finding a reason to do this. Work with him to figure out why he feels he needs to and see if he will agree to counseling. My H justified his by saying that he didn't think I liked him any more - and he didn't think i'd care. ?  
And please read this together. It really helped us: His Needs Her Needs.
Good luck. Trust yourself.


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## Goodwoman (Dec 11, 2009)

Thanks. I let him know how hurt I am, and did it in a conversational tone, but he still swears he didn't do anything. But, I find that hard to believe because the numbers from before were stored in his phone. I sent him a note telling him that I'm hurt, and it really can't hurt any worse for him to tell me the truth. I need to hear it from his mouth so that I can begin to move on from it. I still don't know what to do, I think this is different than actually developing a relationship, but definitely putting my health at risk, and it's still cheating, and to me a huge blow to my self-esteem. He's also a jerk at least 50% of the time in how he talks to me, and he is always with his twin brother (or so he says). I've let him know that all of the emotional abuse and everything stops here and now, and he needs to decide on if he really wants to be a husband, because I cannot be the only one giving 100%. This whole thing just really makes me sick to my stomach!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes. That sounds like the right direction. My H was also really mean to me until he hit rock bottom, had an affair, got caught (really let himself get caught), then saw my hurt and almost lost me. Then he realized what a jerk he'd been. 

I used to say that 
"I was married to a "nice guy" who always acted like an a-hole.
Now I'm married to an a-hole but he's always acting like a nice guy."

It took him really go over the line - and truly risk losing me to snap out of it. We're still working on it and my connection to him has forever changed. 

Read: His Needs Her Needs. I'm mentioning this in posts all over the place! But it really helped me understand my H's need for sex. He used to say the meanest things to me - come to find out it was his way of asking for sex. He would stare at women in front of me making me feel like a pig and idiot. 

I don't know how to get your H there. Sounds like he may not have hit rock bottom yet - but looks like its on its way. How to prevent? I don't know. Just check out the book.


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