# How long do your arguments/fights go on?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I caught a bit of a Dr Phil earlier, and it was a couple stuck in 'right fighting', her losing her temper, him wanting resolution so following her around, kids losing out bigtime, etc etc.
I went on the DrPhil website and saw his tips for 'fair' fighting, one of which relates to how long you should argue for, or more precisely that it shouldn't be too long. 
But how long is too long? How many sentences do you each say, for example, or do you set yourself a 15minute 'timer'?? or what? One of my personal targets is to understand and start to use agreeing to disagree; that should shorten our rows no end but at what point to agree? So far I don't get that bit... I reckon it requires input from both parties to make the 'cessation' possible. What does anyone else think?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Very often we think that we are right, others are wrong!

When two people disagree with each other and they each has " I am right, you are wrong, you listen to me, you apologize!" attitude, then the argument will continue for a long time. 

Very often what we argue is just small thing, it is not life threatening, it is not death or live. But we keep on arguing and there is no end. Actually it is just an ego thing. 

We have to respect others for having their opinion, we may not agree with them, but giving them the courtesy for having a different opinion. Then we become more understanding. 

People who think they are right are actually too eager to defend themselves. Talking to them can be difficult! 

When you show people that you try to think from their point of view, you try to understand them from their point of view, arguments become conversation! 

My husband and I used to fight, the argument never lasted long, one hour or two hours maybe, we never had cold wars, we never gave each other silent treatment. 

We haven't had an unpleasant fight for about two years. I really don't want to waste my time over something small and silly. If I see him become impatient because of our conversation, I go up to him and shove my tongue into his mouth and stop the conversation. 

It is really not worthwhile to fight with our loved ones! Time is valuable, our health is important. Spending our time on something more positive is more fun!


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

madimoff said:


> One of my personal targets is to understand and start to use agreeing to disagree; that should shorten our rows no end *but at what point to agree?* So far I don't get that bit... I reckon it requires input from both parties to make the 'cessation' possible. What does anyone else think?


As soon as you realize that neither of you will give in to the other's arguement it is best to agree to disagree.

When tempers are stoked people tend to use words they wouldnt normally use. I always try to hear the meaning behind what my wife is saying, not the words she is using.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I wonder if the tongue in mouth technique would be effective at work? Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> As soon as you realize that neither of you will give in to the other's arguement it is best to agree to disagree.
> 
> When tempers are stoked people tend to use words they wouldnt normally use. I always try to hear the meaning behind what my wife is saying, not the words she is using.


So, at risk of getting reminded about right fighting and all that, do you actually stop yourselves, say what it is you're disagreeing about then agree to disagree? It sounds really stupid typing it so I guess it must be stupid.... it just bugs me not yet having got this one right.

(whoops, there's that word _right_ again.... didn't delete it, thought the fact that wanting to be sure what we were going to 'agree to disagree' about is probably significant)


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

My husband and I don't fight real often - mostly mild disagreements more than anything. We employ this philosophy - "never go to bed angry".

Saw some other people comment on the forum before that you should only fight when naked. That would probably curtail it pretty quick.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am actually at the point where if I see us getting to the point where its becoming a fight, I just ask if I can think on it for a little bit and talk to him in an hour or so. Then I try to see his side of it, look at my side of it, and then discuss it when I have had time to sit and do the logistics of it. My H and I have both grown from this since we both want to make sure we find the best answer. Sometimes my answer is the best route, sometimes his. I think when I take my feelings out of the equation and just look at it logistically it help a lot.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

madimoff said:


> I caught a bit of a Dr Phil earlier, and it was a couple stuck in 'right fighting', her losing her temper, him wanting resolution so following her around, kids losing out bigtime, etc etc.
> I went on the DrPhil website and saw his tips for 'fair' fighting, one of which relates to how long you should argue for, or more precisely that it shouldn't be too long.
> But how long is too long? How many sentences do you each say, for example, or do you set yourself a 15minute 'timer'?? or what? One of my personal targets is to understand and start to use agreeing to disagree; that should shorten our rows no end but at what point to agree? So far I don't get that bit... I reckon it requires input from both parties to make the 'cessation' possible. What does anyone else think?


I think the 1st thing people need to do when somene wants some conflict is - LISTEN, if you have to set down and say "Lay it on me " even if it is a tirad of whatever, let them do it, sometimes this is enough to have them STOP, feel like a fool and then calm down, without you even saying a word.

My husband rarely starts a fight, but I do sometimes. Thankfully, this is not often -It is usually over something really stupid, insignificant, but none the less, I get angry, irritated whatever, a by product of my choleric temperment. And out it comes. 

Our arguments, tiffs, conflicts usually last about 1-3 hours max, he always stays with me , If I even try to leave him alone, I can't seem to do it and go right back to him , and feel stupid-then he laughs at me cause he knows I can't stay away (he likes this). I couldn't even do that darn silent treatment if I wanted. I could never be marreid to someone who lived like that. We both know one thing about ourselves >>> We both feel utterly miserable until we settle whatever it is that is bothering us. 

We try to never let the sun go down on our anger. 

Living with another and not being their twin, you won't always agree on things. So agreeing to disagree is necessary so long as it doesn't fall into a "deal breaking" catagory. 

There are some things we just NEED in marraige from the other to be decently happy, so long as these fights are on a lessor scale, it shouldn't be too awful hard to come to some compromise.

All about listening to each other, weighing the options, feelings of each, asking alot of questions as well as stressing how the issue makes us feel, being considerate of each other , 
hopefully this is enough to reach a FAIR compromise .


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> I caught a bit of a Dr Phil earlier, and it was a couple stuck in 'right fighting', her losing her temper, him wanting resolution so following her around, kids losing out bigtime, etc etc.
> I went on the DrPhil website and saw his tips for 'fair' fighting, one of which relates to how long you should argue for, or more precisely that it shouldn't be too long.
> But how long is too long? How many sentences do you each say, for example, or do you set yourself a 15minute 'timer'?? or what? One of my personal targets is to understand and start to use agreeing to disagree; that should shorten our rows no end but at what point to agree? So far I don't get that bit... I reckon it requires input from both parties to make the 'cessation' possible. What does anyone else think?


:banghead:


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## saveamarriage101 (Jul 13, 2011)

Well if the fight is going on for days. It is too long! Honestly though, in face to face conflict stop it as soon as the yelling starts. It truly is an ego trip from then on. And will solve absolutely nothing.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> :banghead:





I am trying to get it, you know.... help would be good


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