# How do you know when to leave?



## sensationalmommy (Jan 26, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and we have two amazing boys together. Our relationship has always been rocky due to my husband's anger problem and constant lying. Lately, though, things have been getting worse. My husband was sexually abused as a child which I know is what triggers most of his issues. He saw a therapist as a child but has had no therapy as an adult. Right now we cannot afford counseling for him or marriage counseling for the two of us. Over the course of our relationship he has lied to me about many things, big and small. I have caught him talking to ex-girlfriends through inappropriate texts and Facebook messages. He lies about little things too, like why his shift changed at work. Every time he lies to me it opens up the wounds of all the previous stupid things he has done. I discuss all my feelings openly with him, but he never seems to have any real remorse, because he continues with the behavior. I'm at my wits end. Our 5 year old is really starting to be affected by his anger. I should mention that in no way has my husband ever tried to physically harm me or our children. I value marriage very highly, but I feel so disrespected in this relationship. I just want to feel loved and taken care of and I don't feel any of that. I have made so many sacrafices for our family whereas my husband has made none. My family means the world to me, but I just can't say that my husband feels the same. What do I do when he continues to apologize, and then repeat his behavior? He knows how I feel, but doesn't do anything to change that. Just for once I'd like to feel valued and be able to trust him. I don't know what to do anymore......


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## Mytime37 (Jan 27, 2013)

So sorry to hear about your situation. 

You can't fix a problem if the other person is not willing to change their behavior. The fact that he has an anger problem and you have a child is scary. What are you teaching your son by staying in this marriage? Everyone is affected by things that happen in their childhood and your son could turn out to emulate his father's behavior.

How do you know when to leave? When you can't sleep at night. When you dread coming home. When you feel anxious, depressed and unhappy all the time. When you feel better when you aren't around him. When you see your child is tense and afraid. When you feel like your spirit is dying. When you keep having the same issue over and over again with no end in sight.

That's when you know to leave.


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

What Mytime37 said.

Also, eventually, my husband started turning his disrespect for me onto our child, who says things to me like "sometimes I don't like daddy" and alludes to "last summer when daddy was mean" and now is starting to talk about our marital strife at school as a possible source for writing assignments (ugg)....my husband is verbally abusive to me in front of the child. 

My husband also suffered a severe trauma as a child which he never got shall I say proper therapy for, and I have recently begun to suspect that it may be worse than I will ever know.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Mommy, I agree with MyTime and GettingOut. I believe it would be helpful if you would provide us with additional information if you feel comfortable doing so. Specifically, have you seen strong occurrences of the following behaviors throughout your marriage:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.
If most of those behaviors are not strongly relevant, please ignore this list. On the other hand, if most seem to apply strongly to your H's behavior, it would be helpful to know which ones are pertinent.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its time to leave when your unhappiness outnumbers your happiness.


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## bluegreen (Jan 21, 2013)

I just want to say that Uptown's list scares the you-know-what out of me. My spouse is numbers 1 through 7; 8 towards the kids; and 9 through 17. Oh my.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

BlueGreen, I responded to you in your thread. My post is at
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...7-uncertainty-brings-me-here.html#post1412548.


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