# Thing seem to be improving... I think?



## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

Short recap:
Wife:30
Me:32
Together: 14 yrs
Married: 10yrs
Separated: 1yr

A couple years ago I had an EA. In the process of my wife asking for details she found out that I had been emotionally wayward most of our relationship (unfaithful thoughts, porn addiction). My wife was my first everything practically (which I know, doesn't excuse my actions). But I spent most of the relationship extremely immature. During the course of us dealing with the EA and trying to salvage things we fought a lot, I developed a drinking problem, lost my job a couple times and got us into a lot of debt.

She seemed willing and wanting for us to remain married and work through things, but my emotions were unraveling and I sought medical help (therapist/psyc) and was diagnosed as bipolar. I was committed to a hospital for 2 weeks after a violent/suicidal outbreak while home alone and intoxicated.

Shortly after, she left to live with her grandmother 120 miles away.

We remained in frequent contact (text, intimate, activities) but I continued to struggle with drinking and there were periods of her cutting off contact. I'll admit that I wasted a good portion of that first year as far as being there for her is concerned. I remained selfish and made little attempt to take care of alcoholism and being bipolar (sporadic dr's visits, etc...). I was clingy and needy and violated most rules of giving my wife space to heal/recover.

Currently, I've been sober 3 months, free from porn and any desire to drink or even think twice about another woman. My wife says she notices changes (physical and emotional/maturity), we've spent the last 5 weekends together with one 2-day weekend that I presented as a "date". We are going to a concert next month and the bands are two of our favorite bands from when we were dating (she seems very excited).

The problem: she will say "i love you", "i miss you". We have sex and she proposed that I might spend thanksgiving this year with her family as mine is in a different state. BUT, she is very tight-lipped with any real emotions concerning what she thinks of me, our future, what she hopes will happen. She has stated that she retains the right to date and any actions towards that are none of my business. I've told her that I can understand and respect her feelings of wanting space and time to find her way.

To clarify, yes, I know I destroyed her trust and cannot possibly expect her to just open up and expose herself to possible hurt. Especially given the relatively short time that I've been a decent man.

I'm just confused as to what our current interactions can say about our chances of regaining a relationship of commitment to each other. The dating issue is also constantly a plague on my heart. I understand why she would not want to commit herself to just me given all that I've done. She has promised me that there has been no sex with other men, but that she would not answer any other questions on the matter. I've known my wife 14 years, she has a higher moral code than anyone I've known, so I believe her.

Any advice? Are these good signs that we have a chance? I've tried to put more effort into my own growth and improvement, but I'm stuck in the fabled "limbo" state.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

My initial thought on your situation was this.....

You cannot really be working on anything in your M if your W is seeing other men.

Even if you believe her about there being nothing physical (and I would be highly suspicious of this claim given that she refuses to answer any questions about the matter), she will be constantly comparing you to other men rather than actively working through what she truly wants from the M she already has.

Basically, she has you doing the stupid and futile 'pick me' dance while you are also kept at a distance, and deprived of any knowledge of what she is truly doing with these other men.

Personally, I would tell her you plan to prepare for D given that she wants to see other men, and keep it secret from you.

THAT is not working on the M....it is cruelly keeping you in limbo while she goes and tries out new guys to see if she finds someone she likes better.

Screw that noise, IMO.

Just tell her that her seeing other men, and doing heavens knows what with them, is a dealbreaker for you.

Either she ends the OM dating or you will file and move on.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

I've spoken to this with my personal therapist. He had advised that if I truly want things to work out between us, that I focus on my end of that becoming a reality and give her space without the ultimatums. The thoughts of her dating or spending time with other men are hard to deal with, but again, I can understand why she would at least insist on the "possibility" of that option given my past actions.

From all that I've read on this matter (and I've done extensive reading) there are so many options on how to (or not to) react to the spouse that is asking for space. I've been finding that giving her that space has seemed to result in her opening up to me more and more.

She has stated in no uncertain terms that she is not wanting to work on the marriage and isn't interested in our "old" marriage, but that something new between us isn't out of the picture. I understand that hot/cold reactions on her part mean many things, but I'm interested in opinions on whether or not our recent involvements signal that for her there is more of a desire for a new relationship. Mainly: she has an increased interested in seeing me and being with me, an increased showing of affection, an increased interest in physical intimacy (how emotional it is for her I am unsure of), and she has an increased positive response to me as a person.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

survive_to_die said:


> I've spoken to this with my personal therapist. He had advised that if I truly want things to work out between us, that I focus on my end of that becoming a reality and give her space without the ultimatums. The thoughts of her dating or spending time with other men are hard to deal with, but again, I can understand why she would at least insist on the "possibility" of that option given my past actions.
> 
> From all that I've read on this matter (and I've done extensive reading) there are so many options on how to (or not to) react to the spouse that is asking for space. I've been finding that giving her that space has seemed to result in her opening up to me more and more.
> 
> She has stated in no uncertain terms that she is not wanting to work on the marriage and isn't interested in our "old" marriage, but that something new between us isn't out of the picture. I understand that hot/cold reactions on her part mean many things, but I'm interested in opinions on whether or not our recent involvements signal that for her there is more of a desire for a new relationship. Mainly: she has an increased interested in seeing me and being with me, an increased showing of affection, an increased interest in physical intimacy (how emotional it is for her I am unsure of), and she has an increased positive response to me as a person.


There is nothing wrong with her desire to not return to the 'old' M and insisting on building a new one.

But dating other men is NOT working on building a new M.

She needs to make up her mind about what she truly wants....if she needs space to do that fine.

But space to reconsider what she wants in life is very different from fooling around with other men while she keeps you stuck in limbo as a potential Plan B.....and in the dark about what she is actually doing with these other guys/relationships to boot.

Right now, she is giving you just enough to keep you hooked and secure as her back up plan if she can't find a guy she likes more.

And if she does connect with one of these other men, you are going to be unceremoniously cut off and dumped when she commits to him.

You won't even see it coming because she refuses to even communicate to you what she is really up to with these guys.

It is your life, but I would tell any person in your situation to free themselves from such a horrible limbo.

Tell her you will not live like this and are moving to file for D.

If she really wants to rebuild a new M, she will end her shenanigans and start doing what is necessary to repair your M.

If she lets you go, then she was never going to come back anyway and you will be saving yourself all the horrible pain and misery of watching her chase other men while keeping you in limbo, only to then dump you when she found someone new.

Don't do it to yourself....the pain and damage to yourself will be horrendous.


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