# Out of the frying pan into the fire



## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

So I'm officially "moving on" with my life. I'm involved with someone and it has my kids' blessing. I'm quite content really. Here's the problem.
If any of you have read my previous posts you'll know the woman I'm seeing is going through a tough time. The man she has lived with for the past 18 months (9 of which have been platonic) is still in hospital recovering from a ruptured brain aneurysm. He is now out of ICU, but the amount of damage that has been done is extensive. He will need a lot of long term physio and his short term memory loss is likely permanent. 
There were problems in their relationship before this ( he has a physical ED issue he seems to have no interest in fixing, has never had children and isn't overly fond of them and is generally an unaffectionate man) , but I know she is quilt ridden about leaving him now. We have agreed we are a perfect couple, but we stay at arm's length for the most part out of respect for him and his friends/family. She is, after all, still living in his house and managing his business in his absence. It could be while before she makes a permanent move.
I have told her it isn't wrong to be thinking of herself at this point in her life. She's only 38, has a young son and a whole life ahead of her. She worries about having to work, raise her family, take care of the house and take care of him. She has said he won't be the same person anymore. I try not to give her too much advice....just listen. I'm not objective on this. 
She is very fond of my daughter and they have already extablished a rapport. I know she wants to be with me and we have agreed we could have a great life together. We're both family people and love kids. 
Any advice folks? Patience? I can't see me being pushy about her making a decision. Right now it seems the best idea is to stay her friend and just be there for her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think you are doing the right thing. 

Somebody will always judge you in a situation like this, as he is just getting out of the hospital & needs his friends, her more than ever. There is no way getting around the judgements of others, but ultimately we all seek out own happiness in the long run. What good will she be staying with him if she has fallen in love with someone else? Sounds like he had a hand in letting her slip away before she met you.

So long as she is living in his house though, you should remain at arms length out of respect for him, but she needs to get her things in order and make the break -for herself & you, if that is what you both want. 

Keep listening, waiting and some prayers along the way. Sounds like you might have found your match.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sounds like you might have found your match.


I really hope so. I don't think I can take that much rejection in such a short period of time


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Looks like this could take a while. "W" will not just abandon her BF in spite of her feelings for me. She says she wouldn't be much of a human being if she walked out on him now after what's happened to him. I can't disagree. I wouldn't want to be with someone that would.
She admits she wants to run and wants to be with me. Guilt is not a nice emotion. I told her I'm a patient man. 
The latest update on his condition is that he is now on a long waiting list for a bed in a rehab hospital. His brain injurries are extensive. He will need rehab to walk again and his short term memory problems are likely permanent. His "confusion" and inability to understand his situation may be permanent as well.
All I know is we love each other. What's worth having is worth waiting for


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

If you are happy together as you say than apart from not making her any problems and not pushing her to make any decisions at this moment you can give her even some support. She's in very difficult situation so to encourage her and help. I am sure you are both nice persons and have bright future.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

mariem1967 said:


> If you are happy together as you say than apart from not making her any problems and not pushing her to make any decisions at this moment you can give her even some support. She's in very difficult situation so to encourage her and help. I am sure you are both nice persons and have bright future.


Thank-you. I will be driving her to Toronto on Saturday to visit him. This will be the 2nd time I've taken her. I wish I could do somthing to alleviate her guilt, but only time can do that.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

So life gives me another kick in the gonads. My new love has now told me she loves me, she wants to be with me, but she cannot leave him because she will forever be known as the woman that left him when he was ill. She says her own mother and sister wouldn't understand. I think she's crazy. Of course they will understand. They should want what makes her happy. 
She told me over dinner that she feels old. She doesn't do any of the things she used to do for fun. Then she admitted that all started when she met him. She said she hates Christmas. Didn't even put up a tree last year. This weekend we spent a whole day together buying gifts for her kids and mine. She had a blast. 
In the early hours of the morning after a great day together she unloaded all this stuff about not being able to live with the guilt and that if we kept on we'd both get hurt. 5 minutes later we're rolling around on the living room floor. Clearly she's conflicted. She loves me and wants a life with me, but is driven by guilt. Funny, my wife recently told me she had to live with the fact that since she left me all our old neighbours of 15 years turn their back to her and most of her friends don't speak to her anymore. That was the price she has to pay.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

It's getting so you can't get much in the way of feedback unless the thread isn't about taboo sex  Too boring I guess,

I posted a new thread in Dating Scene and got nada for response, so I'll try it here. 

When my gf told me all this stuff about staying with her estranged BF she literally sat with her back against the couch and pulled a coffee table in front of her. She boxed herself into corner. Her voive wavered, her feet wouldn't stop twitching and she looked at the floor a lot. I'm no expert on body language, but this looks like someone that was lying. Someone that was in no way convinced that what she was saying was what she really wanted. Does anyone have a better insight into this sort of thing? Does this sound like someone speaking with conviction?


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> It's getting so you can't get much in the way of feedback unless the thread isn't about taboo sex  Too boring I guess,
> 
> I posted a new thread in Dating Scene and got nada for response, so I'll try it here.
> 
> When my gf told me all this stuff about staying with her estranged BF she literally sat with her back against the couch and pulled a coffee table in front of her. She boxed herself into corner. Her voive wavered, her feet wouldn't stop twitching and she looked at the floor a lot. I'm no expert on body language, but this looks like someone that was lying. Someone that was in no way convinced that what she was saying was what she really wanted. Does anyone have a better insight into this sort of thing? Does this sound like someone speaking with conviction?


I've answered your other post before seeing this one.....

Now with these few more signs I would say she was trying to avoid telling you the whole truth....

Like "It's not you, it's me" type of thing.....

I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like that....


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Update.....

My new girlfriend (?) reiterated her intention to remain with her man despite being in love with me. His first weekend pass home from the hospital he laid down on the couch and she played on the computer. She told him " I see it didn't take long to get right back to where we were. We better find something in common fast because we're going to see an awful lot of each other in the next few months". 
Sounds happy doesn't she? She told him about us and he doesn't even appear to care. Guilt is the most heinous of all emotions, isn't it?


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Not getting much input on this dilemma and I'd surely welcome all I can get. My lady friend has confessed her feelings for me, but still refuses to part ways with her hubby. All I can think of to do is be patient and be her friend as I have been all along. I don't know what else to do. She seems to be trying to avoid too much contact with me face to face as it's so difficult to part each time. I can't believe I've got myself into such a stupid situation.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't think there is much to say. She made a decision. You need to move on.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> I don't think there is much to say. She made a decision. You need to move on.


Not what I wanted to hear


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I know, and I'm sorry that's all I can offer.

Might I ask a few questions? How long between the end of your marriage and starting up with someone new? How long before you "fell in love" with this new woman?


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> I know, and I'm sorry that's all I can offer.
> 
> Might I ask a few questions? How long between the end of your marriage and starting up with someone new? How long before you "fell in love" with this new woman?


We've known each other for over 2 years. There had been something between us for a very long time, but it was never allowed to go any further because relationship status. It's been about 4 months now since my wife left. We began getting closer and closer by the day. I know what you're suggesting, but I'm not some gullible, impressionable kid. I'm 50 and was with my wife for 21 years.


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

this is a nasty situation for both you and your gf... i cant offer any advice really, (or none that you would want to hear) i just hope it all works out for you. x


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