# Looking for good book to help my marriage



## ohmaggiemae

Can anyone recommend a good book that will help me to feel more positively towards my marriage and my husband? We are a Christian couple so I prefer books that are faith based. In other words, no books like "Fifty Shades of Grey"! 

Our marriage is okay, I guess. I'm just feeling very smothered by him because he works at home and I'm home all day long taking care of our kids. We are together soooo much that I don't have anything to talk to him about and I am taking him for granted. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.


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## Starstarfish

Could you perhaps provide a few details?

- Is it just him working from home that makes you feel smothered? Or does he "back seat parent" when he's home without totally getting involved? 

- How do you feel you are taking him for granted? 

That might help produce an answer best suited for your situation. 

But - if you haven't read them before - the books I'd recommend for general faith-based relationship advice are The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.


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## Janie

His Needs Her Needs - Willard Harley


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## ohmaggiemae

Starstarfish said:


> Could you perhaps provide a few details?
> 
> - Is it just him working from home that makes you feel smothered? Or does he "back seat parent" when he's home without totally getting involved?
> 
> - How do you feel you are taking him for granted?
> 
> That might help produce an answer best suited for your situation.
> 
> But - if you haven't read them before - the books I'd recommend for general faith-based relationship advice are The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.


I am currently reading Love and Respect. I'll stick with it. I have also read The Five Love Languages. I can always read it again to freshen up!

As far as feeling smothered, he has an office on our second floor. He works there every week day while I pretty much stay on the first floor with our two kids. Since the kids are on summer break, I have no time to myself. If I do get a few minutes because the kids are at a friends house or something, my husband will chose to come downstairs at that time because he knows the kids aren't around. He will look for me and just kind of hang around me regardless of what I'm doing. I'm thinking, "Go away!" but of course I don't say that. For instance, this morning I go outside with my coffee and magazines to sit by myself for a bit. Mostly to get away from him because he's barking orders at the kids. Next thing you know, he comes out. He asks, "Is it okay if I sit here with you?" What am I supposed to say? No? There is no nice way to tell him that I just wanted to be alone. He would get hurt and angry and pout for the rest of the day. So I say sure. He sits down and that's it. He just sat there while I read and drank my coffee. It was so uncomfortable! I wanted to get up and get away from him again! That about sums it all up, too. I feel like I'm constantly getting up and trying to get away from him! I think he's bored and turns to me as a result. Problem is, I'M not bored! I love being by myself and can easily find things to do, not to mention all the things I HAVE to do as a mom, homemaker and wife.

We've talked about this before in marriage counseling, but it's like he's back to his old ways. Plus he cops an attitude and says things like, "Oh that's right. I'm not supposed to talk to you right now." He interrupts what I'm doing, I have no privacy, I'm never alone. If I want to write in my journal or read my bible or anything like that, I need to get up really early, like 5am, to be alone. Even then, I kid you not, he'll come down early too! "Hey." He'll say. "What are you doing up so early?" You can guess how I want to respond. He makes his own work schedule and no matter how many times I tell him to take a trip for a few days, he won't. Honestly he doesn't work very hard at his job. He doesn't really need to because that's just the way his job is and financially we're fine. But it wouldn't hurt him to work a little more!

I feel like I take him for granted because he IS a good husband. He helps around the house, plays with our kids, is very giving and generous and helpful. It'd be nice if he took more of the initiative when it comes to planning family things, like weekend activities. I feel like I'm more of the "leader" in this marriage and I don't believe that's how God designed marriage to be. But my husband is just more of a follower, so if I want anything to get done, I have to do it! So, as you can see, he's a follower. He follows me around the house, he follows my parenting, he follows my ideas. I don't want to always be the leader. I am so frustrated.

I hope you're not sorry you asked.


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## ohmaggiemae

Janie said:


> His Needs Her Needs - Willard Harley


I may have that. I'll give it a shot. Thanks!


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## Janie

Have you considered an offsite activity? A yoga class would go a long way toward satisfying your need for solitude. Do you love outdoors? Long walks in the woods are very soothing. Do you live near water? My dream someday is to have the option to go for a beach walk whenever I choose. 

Find your solitude. It is all around you. Be proactive & go get it.


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## anchorwatch

ohmaggiemae said:


> I may have that. I'll give it a shot. Thanks!


"His Needs, Her Needs" Dr. W. Hartley

That's the one. Find it, read it, do it. 
Make sure you spend at least 15 hours a week, of undivided attention together. Reading a book with him watching doesn't count. Good luck.


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## ohmaggiemae

Good ideas. I dream of living near the beach, too. And I love being outdoors. It's just tough right now because the kids are home 24/7 and I'm going to be homeschooling my daughter. Even though hubby is home 24/7, too, he doesn't want the responsibility of having the watch the kids while he's supposed to be working. And, honestly, I don't really trust him to. He can't hear them or see what they're doing, so that's not watching them.

It was refreshing to go to the gym everyday last summer, though. I never thought about how good it was for me. I was just doing it so the kids could go swimming. But they started to hate going so I didn't join again this summer. Bad idea, I see that now.

I'm going to consider that option. Thanks for that!


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## Janie

Even a brisk 20-minute morning walk while the kids are eating (with hubby in charge) is a good start to the day.


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## Starstarfish

Just to be a detractor, I personally hated the book His Needs/Her Needs. I've avoided commenting about that on all the other threads that mentioned it, but - as this is specifically requesting faith base materials, I feel compelled to say something. I worked as the assistant-manager as a faith-based bookstore for two years, and with absolute frankness, it was one of the few books in the store I would unabashedly tell people to avoid. 

Despite the fact that it is sold and toted in faith-based circles. The book is indeed -not- faith based, and doesn't not indeed draw it 's advice or suggestions from Scripture. 

Instead, I feel that it is based on very selfish and base assumptions of people. IE - that you should check with your husband about the cut and color of your hair, otherwise it is a free license to have an affair with someone who has the cut/color he prefers. Further, that every wife should regularly compare herself to her wedding day photo and if she's changed she should even consider *-plastic surgery-*. 

_
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. _ - Song of Solomon - 4:7 

So, sorry, I disagree wholeheartedly about  His Needs/Her Needs  being a faith based marriage book. Suggesting plastic surgery, rather than embracing the beauty that God imbued you with in His imagine, doesn't really seem right. 

I'd recommend reading Wild at Heart and Captivating by the Eldredges, instead if you want to learn more about the emotional differences of the the sexes based on Scripture. You can even do this as a devotional with your husband, as you can get them in a pack with study guides.


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## Starstarfish

Also, no, I'm not sorry I asked at all. 

My husband doesn't work at home, so - he isn't at home, but - I also am a SAHM, and also have a relative who lives with us, so - I'm never home alone either. I know what it's like to pray just to go to the bathroom in peace without someone knocking on the door. :lol:

I'm uncertain how old your children are, as you didn't mention, but - perhaps you need to figure out a schedule so you are out of the house more. Whether it's going to the gym so they can swim, or - going to the library, or just - getting out of the house, as - it can make you a bit stir-crazy. This is likely going to be even more important once you begin homeschooling. Planning trips to museums or historical sites, or - whatnot. 

Something that will get the pressure off for a bit of everyone all being compressed into the same space. 

Are the kids old enough to get involved in sports or an activity? Could you get them involved in something like that, and you could even sit in the car a bit for some alone time? 

Also, the husband can't be expecting to work 24/7, right? He can't carve out a few hours a week to give you a break? What happens if you bring this idea up?

Also, is your husband a Christian? Even if he isn't, perhaps you could explain to him that sometimes you need alone time for reflection/prayer and your spiritual health?


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## voivod

ohmaggiemae said:


> I am currently reading Love and Respect. I'll stick with it. I have also read The Five Love Languages.


These two are great. Unfortunately, it seems by the time you need these books, you're near too late.


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## EleGirl

Good books...

"Divorce Busting"

"His Needs, Her Needs"

"Love Busters"


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