# Is this a sign of him or his age?



## Gdaily (Sep 27, 2021)

I want some advice. I am 24 and dating a man that is 43. I know it may seem strange but I really enjoyed how he treated me and did act very gentlemanly and frankly most men my age I feel are very immature, no offense.

We have been dating going on 9 months and two months ago the lease on my apartment was going to expire and he suggested I move in with him. I did and at first it was fine, but since then I have noticed he seems to have some old school, some may even call sexist views.

Like he has said he wants me to clean his house, cook for him and when his buddies are over he asks me to supply the drinks and/or make a bunch of food. I pointed it out to him and he just laughed saying "well isn't that the kind of stuff most women do?". Granted he does take me out to eat now and then and always pays and will say nice and sweet things to me but honestly sometimes I feel like a maid. Oh, and he also has a 4 year old from a previous marriage that will come over and yet many times he will tell me to play with and take care of him while he goes out with his buddies golfing or says doing something else.

Though I do like his son and everything.

Am I over thinking this? Does he have more traditional views that are bad? If so is it due to his age? Thanks for any and all advice.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

That is absolutely not "due to his age". He is 43, not 90.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If you are unhappy, then you need to do something about it. It sounds like he wants a live-in housekeeper, cook, and nanny with extra privileges, not a partner.

He may have those views because it's how he was raised/his parent's marriage(s), or how a previous relationship was, but you can't blame his age.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're not overthinking it. Sounds like he does have traditional values, which if they are the same as yours, isn't an issue. It's not age, it's just him (43 is young btw lol)

The issue here is that they clearly aren't. You didn't sign up to be essentially a slave when you moved in.

You're so young OP, move on sweetie.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s not his age it’s who he is. I can only asssume his ex-wife didn’t like the setup either, I could be wrong.

if you’re happy with him and doing this, he’s been very clear and honest with what he needs from you, so believe him, and make your decision. You’re within your rights to decide if it’s not what you want. I hope you’re not stuck and can find somewhere else to live.

It doesn’t sound like he’s a very devoted dad, the kid’s not to blame, but I’d say if you don’t look after the son, he’ll find someone else to palm him off to if you’re not able to look after him. It’s clear the kid is not a priority if he’s out with friends while you’re left there to babysit. If I can recommend anything, it’s not to get to close to the little one, because if his dad isn’t interested in spending time with you the poor thing will be very attached to anyone that gives him attention.

So it’s great to see and hear this man’s wants and needs, in case you’re thinking of marrying him. Be careful not to get pregnant, you sound like a good thing, and he’d be the type to trap you with a child.

It doesn’t sound like a good situation at all. Have you still got regular contact with friends and family or your own hobbies and interests or have you given up a lot to tend to him only?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Having expectations of ones 'live in' partner is not sexist. 
You just don't like the expectations. And that of course, is fine.

What is your financial responsibility in the relationship?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Gdaily said:


> Am I over thinking this? Does he have more traditional views that are bad? If so is it due to his age? Thanks for any and all advice.


As his girlfriend, neither of you have made any commitment.
If you don't like the way he treats you, why not just move out?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Deejo said:


> Having expectations of ones 'live in' partner is not sexist.
> You just don't like the expectations. And that of course, is fine.
> 
> What is your financial responsibility in the relationship?


I agree.

The man is established, has his own living arrangements made, to include friends and HIS entertainment.

He seems rather independent.
No, he is independent.

GDaily is just starting out and learning the ropes of companionship.

For her, it is rather sudden and too serious and routine.


OP, you need to have your own likes and pastimes.
Your own friends.

You are young, but what you are going through is commonplace.

This age gap with your boyfriend is not helpful at all.

It sounds like the shine is off the apple, your love for him.

Reality is a relentless, and often a cruel copilot.

No one says you must stay with this man.

Some here will recommend that you leave him.

Weigh the pluses and minuses.

It sounds like you are not struggling with finances and daily comforts.
That is a plus.

The love for this man must be present in spades, at least this early in the relationship.

Don't let him use you, and don't use him for gain, only to later dump him.

Be fair to yourself, first, and then be fair to him.

You have time.
Don't get pregnant until you are sure you want to remain in this living arrangement.

He must marry you if you do wish to seriously start this life and have children with him.



_Are Dee-_

To be fair, (important things) are not in your favor going forward.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

It seems to me like his expectations for a relationship a more traditional than you are used to. If he is willing to uphold his end of things as the man in a traditional relationship, this arrangement is more than fair, IMO. I am the same way. 

As some others have asked, do you pay anything there? Is he taking care of the majority of the bills and all of that around the house? If you are staying there for free or close to it, I don't think the guy wanting some dinner here and there is an unreasonable expectation. If you are splitting the costs of everything, then he is definitely pushing his luck.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Having you do most of the chores is only fair if he’s paying all the bills. But even then, you’re not a maid / nanny and shouldn’t allow yourself to be treated as such. If you’re still working and contributing to the bills, then he should definitely be doing chores right along side you. 

Reading between the lines, it sounds like he’s real comfortable in the relationship and believes you’re either completely in love with him or need him to continue the lifestyle that his income provides.

To a 43 year old man, a young 24 year old woman is either a sex goddess or in your case, a servant. Have you guys discussed a future together? Don’t you eventually want a family of your own. At 24, you may think you do not but eventually you feel that desire. Do you think this guy will be a good husband and father?
with him already having a kid, he may feel like he’s done with that stage of his life.

I advise that not waste your limited youth and prime fertile years being some older dudes live in nanny. Most likely, this relationship will end and you will be back out on the dating market. How will you explain this relationship with a man old enough to be your father to potential future boyfriend/husband? Most will think you were a gold digger or a woman with daddy issues; both of those would be red flags for guys.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

jsmart said:


> How will you explain this relationship with a man old enough to be your father to potential future boyfriend/husband?


Why would anyone mention past lovers to future lovers?


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

As you are finding out, living with someone can often be totally different that just dating them....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

My fear is that he is grooming you, he spent 6 month chasing you and now you wake up and have discovered the true him, he wants you as a play thing, a babysitter and a domestic help.....this will not turn out well at all. You need to leave him and might i suggest seeking individual counseling for yourself to address your own father issues or I promise this will happen again there are a lot of guys like him out there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A lot of young women think the reason these older men are dating them is because they are younger and slimmer and prettier etc. 

That’s part of it, but another part is a younger, less experienced and less worldly woman is going to be easier to dominate and manipulate. 

The reason he’s not dating women his own age is most 40 year old women can smell a rat a mile away and tell him to F off. 

a younger, less experienced woman will be flattered by his attention and think that he is charming and chivalrous and gentlemanly. 

A 40 year old will see a manipulative jerk.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look at how he treats his own child - he's a jerk.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> A lot of young women think the reason these older men are dating them is because they are younger and slimmer and prettier etc.
> 
> That’s part of it, but another part is a younger, less experienced and less worldly woman is going to be easier to dominate and manipulate.
> 
> ...


Couldn't have said it better myself.

My ex hb was also 19 years older and younger me didn't see him for what he was.

Older me does ...thus he's now my ex. Don't waste 13 years of your life like I did.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ruuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Agree w/ those who say lots of men his age aren't like this.

But why does it matter if it's him the individual, or him of his generation? If you want to be his servant, you are home! If you don't, leave the way you came.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

He's probably not a jerk, just taking advantage of having a 24yo live with him a while. There will be no long term relationship here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yeah, he is a jerk. He has visitation time with his son and dumps the little guy on his live-in while he goes out with his buddies.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have almost a generation separating you. That works for some but not for others. This is who he is and if he’s supporting you (and even if he isn’t) he feels like he’s in charge of you — IOW, he’s not likely to change. I suggest you find your own place.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You have almost a generation separating you. That works for some but not for others. This is who he is and if he’s supporting you (and even if he isn’t) he feels like he’s in charge of you — IOW, he’s not likely to change. I suggest you find your own place.


I had the same age difference with my ex and not only did he not support me, I made more then him.

He thought he was in charge anyway because being older obviously means he knew better then me.


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