# My Husband Wants Out



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I have been with my husband for 24 years. We just moved into our first home that we own at the end of October. Ever since we moved in here he has been different. On thursday he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. That I caused him to much heart ache from things I did in 2005 . We broke up and I was pretty harsh with him. I left the kids with him !

We got back together in 2006 , had another babe in 2007 ! Been back together for just about 5 years and now he is saying he can't handle the pain that I caused him during that time. 

I have begged and pleaded with him to give me a chance to prove that I have changed and that we can be happy together. He won't , but he did say he would go to counseling with me. We have our first session on Monday ! He said he will go cause he owes me to at least go and try ! 

Has anyone had a similar story and they went through counseling? 

I tired to talk to him this morning when he was leaving for work. I wanted a kiss from him , and he said that I need to stop. That his feelings have not changed. I said then why are you willing to go to counseling , do you think I have a chance ? I'm hoping that the counseling will help him deal with his anger from the past and that we can start fresh ! 

I have a little hope left in me cause he is still wearing his wedding ring. I would think if he is truly done he would take it off ! 

Any advice would be great thanks !


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Jaded Heart said:


> That I caused him to much heart ache from things I did in 2005 . We broke up and I was pretty harsh with him. I left the kids with him !


What did you do that you consider harsh?

And what did you do to repair things?


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Things I did to him when I left 

I had been talking to someone online and left him and my kids ! He hurt his back while looking after the kids and I didn't help them. They ended up losing the home and moving to another town, They lived there for about a month when I went to pick them all up and take them to my place to live. We tried then to make it work and I couldn't do it, he became controlling and having to know every move I made. 

He is angry at me for these things , and I agree that he is angry and mad. What I don't understand is why now. Why did he come back and for us to have another babe. It has been 4 years and he is now saying he can't handle it. 

I think that he is using those as excuses to get out of the marriage. Like I mentioned I love him with all my heart and I want this to work but he doesn't seem to think that we can make it work. He said he wants to be happy and he can't be happy with me. 

We really did nothing to repair our marriage when we got back together. We just went on with life, I thought it was all behind us but I guess not.

He is willing to go to counseling but I don't know if he is going to put the effort into it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm thinking you'll need to have an open mind regarding his reasons for wanting to leave.

You defining them for him sounds like a problem.

Go to the counseling session with less defensiveness.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

That's the problem you never atoned for the terrible pain you caused him and the kids. You cannot expect instant forgiveness with all of the misery that you caused. He has been holding this pain for 5 years telling himself he should be able to forgive and forget. It is not that easy. Why now, maybe because of the stress of the new house, maybe your attitude is less than grateful. At any rate he gave his forgiveness too cheaply and he is the one who suffers. You are going to have to feel his pain with him if there is any chance. . If he is willing to go to therapy that is a good sign.

But let me tell you, under no circumstance should you try to control or direct when, how and how long he expresses his pain. Your role is to carry with him the burden of the pain, answer all of his questions about the things that happened then. Answer as many times as he needs, give him the time to get through the pain. Let him express his rage and and anger and if you love as much as your words say then you will stand with him and feel the rage anger and agony. You are going back in time now and doing what you should have done then. Don't ask why he had the baby or why now, it does not matter it's not about you, it is about him and what he needs - except for you to consider that he has been carrying around this weight for all these years. 

Treat him with the greatest kindness respect and appreciation -after what you did, the fact that he took you back that is the very least you can do. He has been trying to ignore his pain I think he is close to a staint. Forget your self completely you are now at his service do what ever you need to do to atone for what you did to him and your children. No complaints, no resistance, he took you in now it is time for you to gather him in and nurture him. Look at the pattern of behavior that you adapted since you were both back together and fix it, once and for all. He sounds like quite a guy, make yourself into the woman such a man deserves. Words are cheat - action speaks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jabasag (Jan 5, 2011)

Here's the thing. You really wounded your husband. As if you had actually plunged in a knife—not to be too dramatic. Wounds need care or they fester and infect the whole body. They're tender for a long time. I also think, once you run off with someone online or anywhere, you need to spend some time being totally transparent with your spouse. What you saw as him being too controlling is him expressing his fear and lack of trust, which I'm sorry to say he totally had cause to have. But I honestly don't think it's too late for you guys. Counseling, definitely. He needs to know you love and cherish him, but also know that you did him a grave wrong. He needs to be able to say what angers and hurts him and you need to give him the space to do so, doing your very best to not get defensive. This stuff can pass and if he can forgive you he'll be really liberating himself from a lot of pain. Only you can't tell him that. Somebody neutral has to. ALl the best.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Jabasag said:


> Here's the thing. You really wounded your husband. As if you had actually plunged in a knife—not to be too dramatic. Wounds need care or they fester and infect the whole body. They're tender for a long time. I also think, once you run off with someone online or anywhere, you need to spend some time being totally transparent with your spouse. What you saw as him being too controlling is him expressing his fear and lack of trust, which I'm sorry to say he totally had cause to have. But I honestly don't think it's too late for you guys. Counseling, definitely. He needs to know you love and cherish him, but also know that you did him a grave wrong. He needs to be able to say what angers and hurts him and you need to give him the space to do so, doing your very best to not get defensive. This stuff can pass and if he can forgive you he'll be really liberating himself from a lot of pain. Only you can't tell him that. Somebody neutral has to. ALl the best.


Thanks , Love my husband more then anything. And to tell you the truth there is nothing I would change about himself. I need to figure this out and fast. I had an appointment with a psychologist my husband drove me . I ended up walking out on the appointment that doctor was brutal and it really hit home with me. I know I cant change what I did to him but I know if given the chance I can make it up to him. We are still young and I know we can get passed this , if given the chance . He means the whole world to me, and some people would say it is crazy to think like that but it is the truth.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Jaded Heart said:


> I had an appointment with a psychologist my husband drove me . I ended up walking out on the appointment that doctor was brutal and it really hit home with me.


Did this happen recently? You seem to want a quick fix, but until you are willing to put in the work to heal your marriage, I cannot see your husband feeling safe in the marriage. In 2005, you took off for greener grass & by bailing out on the appointment, if I were your husband I would take that as a trend...running when things get tough...vs. really doing the hard work involved in working through the past.

I agree you cannot change the past, but since you didn't deal with it back then, the aftermath, your husbands feelings, healing, you will need to do it now if he is to have any faith that the marriage can be rebuilt.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I don't want a fast fix, I want us to be happy ! We never took care the issues we had or what I did when we got back together in 2006. 
I'm willing to do anything I can to make this work. It is depending on him and if he wants to make it work,

Right now we are doing okay but more friends then husband and wife. We talk and laugh and do things together now more then we have in the past 6 months. I think we need to try and find that spark that made us fall in love again, We have never been him and I it has always been us and the kids. We have never tried to work on our marriage or take care of our marriage


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well, you are not alone there. It is hard to keep the marriage a top priority once kids come along. I hope counseling will help him to sort through the past, but it will be really important for you to be able to listen to his side, how he feels, even if it hurts to hear...if you try to defend your actions it will probably backfire so be prepared to be very patient & understanding while you work through this.


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