# Work relationship that's way too close for comfort...



## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

Something in my gut told me that there was something going on with my husband--his behavior was strange, he didn't call me on his lunch hour and he was getting home later.
I decided to look through his bank statements and discovered that he was going to lunch at nicer restaurants and the bill was high enough for me to realize that he was treating someone so I questioned him about it. He told me that he had taken a younger, single woman from work out. 
Not a big deal to some...but, I had a year long affair and we've been repairing and recovering from it for the last 16 months. The news that he had been treating this woman to lunch floored me and his attitude about it shook my insides up. He acted as if it was no big deal.
He swore to me that he'd never take her out again after I threatened to drop in for a visit at his workplace and speak to this woman face to face to let her know that I wasn't too happy about their alone time at lunch without my knowledge. He apologized up and down and although I was very skeptical about things I felt that I had communicated my feelings and fears about things and that he answered all my questions and helped me feel okay.
Well, while he went on a business trip the following week I ended up calling this woman and letting her know that I did NOT want her to accept another lunch invitation from my husband and that I did NOT approve of their being together. She sent my husband a text, he called her and promised to not have any further contact with her.
What pisses me off the most is that he shared with this woman about our marital problems...and after the hell that we've been through with my own affair--he KNOWS how easy it is to slip into the sin of adultery. He KNOWS my fears...I know his fears. We've been working on our marriage and I don't want anyone, especially a single woman from work to know what's going on in my life!!!
I checked his phone tonight...and found an email he sent her from work a few days ago during the work day. I know that she works with him...but he agreed that he wouldn't speak with her about anything other than business---and this email was all about her sore foot and how she should ride her bike by the trails by her house and it was light and cute and it made me sick.
I confronted him and asked him if he's had ANY communication with her and he said NO...then I asked him how he knew where she lived and how he knew that there were bike riding trails by her home. He got very defensive and swore that it was "nothing" and that "nothing's going on". 
My gut tells me otherwise. He's been more attentive lately and we've been intimate and I've been very open with him about my feelings/concerns/love, etc...
There is no accountability for him. His cell phone and laptop are from work---and I'm sure he deletes everything before he comes home anyway...well, he deletes select things and must've forgotten to delete what he sent her because there was nothing from her in his inbox.
I'm at a loss on what to do. I've told him that while our marriage is still so fragile and that I'm very upset that he shared our marital problems with her and paid for her lunches---I don't think that he should have any contact with her in any way other than business only.
His defensiveness has a red flag up in me. I'm not sure what to do or how to go about things now....help.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm surely no expert, but I think you already know it's clear (a) something *is* going on (EA at the very least), and (b) he is being deceitful about it.

The wrinkle of course is your own previous affair. You said DDay was 16 months ago, but how is he with it currently?

I'd treat it like an openly-discovered affair, because clearly it is EA, if not already PA too. You (a) decide what you want in that context, and (b) if you want to work at it with him, you confront him with all seriousness (do not be dismissed with "it's nothing" - if it's nothing, then he loses "nothing") and have him take appropriate actions (as I'm assuming you did when you were discovered). If he won't, you know where it stands.

I also think a key here is treating him throughout parallel to how you were treated when discovered....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Payback is a [email protected]@ch.

It may or may not b e a revenge affair. But your reaction of anger is kind of bewildering given the context of your marriage.

Hope you work it out.

the fall out from your own affair continues.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Undoubtedly his feelings for you now have been affected by your own affair. He i guess has been awakened to the possibility that there are other women out there who take an interest in him and who he can also take an interest in and boost his deflated self-esteem. Somehow I feel the ties to you arent as strong as they once were so he is exercising some of that devil-may care attitude.

I think you have done all you can under the circumstances, that is, calling her up and making her aware of how you feel and that yes he does have a wife on the scene. And letting him know how this is affecting you.

I dont know that you can stop something that he might have in his mind to do. If he is going to have some sort of relationship with this single woman he will find a way to do it.

And yes it is extremely painful to know that intimate and other details about you are shared with another woman. In fact it is a complete invasion of your privacy and hurts like hell.

Betrayed spouses are very vulnerable and hurt and sometimes wish to get attention from the opposite sex to know that they are still woth something because of the assault on their self-esteem a partner's affair has.

Have you heard that saying, "live by the sword, die by the sword"?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Granted that you had an affair which devastated him but he made the decision/choice to work it out with you. His behavior sabotages the marital recovery.

If he continues having contact with the OW, you must consider the possibility of moving on with your life. You may not want to but if he's dead set on developing an intimate relationship with the OW, you have to decide whether you can stay in the marriage or not.

In any case, I wish you luck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You may want to consider that he is taking his revenge out on you or he is having an exit affair, he has decided that he does not want to stay in the relationship. What ever the reason, I am certain you recognize where this is headed or may already have happened. 

No matter what happened in the past, if he said he was committed to making the marriage work he is going back on his word. He is lying to you and hiding what he is doing. If he is spending time with her and spending money on dates and talking to her rather than you, he is at the very lest having an EA. Your intuition is correct and I think you have proof that he is having an EA. So now you husband is having an affair and you must treat it as one. 

You can set boundaries as to what you want to do. Clearly he us not committed to you. If that is OK then just keep wondering and letting him have no consequences. Or you set a boundary he stops and commits or he can not be in a relationship with you. 

It makes no difference if you had an affair when it comes to him having an affair. You both have to decide if you want an open marriage or if you want monotony. Act decisively, if you want to see if it is salvageable. It may very well be that he is on his way out and this is his way of exiting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I'm not sure if things are salvagable. My husband doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with his continued communication with this woman. I couldn't sleep last night and I looked at his phone again...all emails that she sent him were deleted---he happened to forget to delete a couple that he sent her. He chose to tell her that they can't have lunch but that he made sure that I know that they work together and will remain friends. He then lied to her about several things and gave her every detail about what happened after I made the phone call to her.
It makes me crazy---and although I did have an affair and I am no better than he is...it's just wrong to deceive and hide and lie and think that ignoring my concerns is okay. After the hell that we've been through and the promises made to repair and move on....this has me spinning and out of my mind---especially when he's cold and says that he thought he was doing the "right" thing by telling her he couldn't take her out to lunch anymore. I was furious when I told him that sharing intimate details about MY life is none of her business!!!! He just doesn't get it...and the red flags are waving. I saw hope and thought that our recovery was something we both wanted and were working on...but inviting her into our marriage and telling me he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong has set the wheels in motion for a separation. My girlfriends even said what some of you did---that it seems he's trying to sabotage the marriage with this new relationship.
I'm honestly sick to my stomach.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Start separation proceedings ensure it is for adultery and name her. As he committed to work on the relationship be would find it very difficult to counter file using the same reason , once you have filed remind him you will have her in court as the reason for his adultery. He is out to seek revenge, two wrongs do not make a right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

_"Again, I have to completely leave this thing in God’s hands but if it turns out that we save our marriage I am going to give you a big kiss!!!! Oops, well maybe jut a high five in the hallway…"_ That is a quote from an email he sent to her. My husband feels that I'm exaggerating and my anger is misplaced when I tell him that THAT kind of email to a single woman in the workplace is completely inappropriate.
His attitude is flat. He's cold and his apology is insincere. He looks at ME as if I've done something wrong here and twists and distorts and throws my affair back in my face every chance he can get. I told him that I feel we need to separate and he threatened by telling me that "it'll be the biggest mistake I'll ever make". How much more can I put up with? I feel like a wall has been put up around me with barbed wire all around because I don't want to share a thing with him again...I don't even want to fight for fear of him telling this OW. 
I'm scared to file. I've been a SAHM the entire 23 years we've been married. I feel very alone.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Maybe he just wants you to feel a small piece of what you put him through when you cheated.

Not defending that, just putting that out there.

It doesn't sound as though he has been intimate with that woman.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> If he continues having contact with the OW, you must consider the possibility of moving on with your life.


Hit the nail on the head. 

If he won't cut off contact, you need to decide whether you want to toleate living in an open marriage or not. Cause that is what it comes down to.

I am curious--did he always throw your affair in your face or he's just doing it now that he's also stepped out? Or was it a recurring fight you had?


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

My affair gets thrown in my face when I present hard questions to my husband and he wants to deflect. It happens whenever we fight. I would take it before because I felt that I deserved it after what I did...but, after 16 months I'm standing up for myself and not allowing something that died to be raised up again every time we fight. He said he forgave me and I believe we were working towards repair.
He's apologized for his recent actions and told me that he spoke with this girl and told her there will be no lunches or personal emails ever again and that he wants to repair our marriage.
I'm full of anxiety though. He can tell her that..and then tell me that he wants our marriage----but after sharing such intimate things with someone from the opposite sex and reading one of their email exchanges with him thanking her for lunch and that "it felt normal having lunch with you"---and her responding with "we'll figure this stuff out with more time together"---I sigh a big sigh....and when you share SO much stuff with someone how can I trust that things are severed--especially in the workplace??


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