# Coping mechanisms for the HD in a sexless marriage?



## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

What are they? If any, do they exist?

How do couples stay married for years and decades when the sex stops and the bitterness and anger sets in?

I'm entering the preliminary stages of a sexless marriage and through countless sleepless nights of deep thought on the issues as to why I've come to the sound conclusion that it will not change there is nothing that can be done to help him with his issues. It's not his fault and I'm not holding anything against him. 

The sexual part of me does not cease because he can't have sex, no matter how hard I try to dull or numb it I'm a highly sexual being which has prompted me to ask what coping mechanisms are out there for people who are HD but determined to remained with their partner in their sexless marriage?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Can I ask if he has health issues? How did you get to this point?

What does your Dh feel about it also?


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## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

over20 said:


> Can I ask if he has health issues? How did you get to this point?
> 
> What does your Dh feel about it also?


He has mental issues that make sex very hard for him. At first I used to work very hard to keep sex thriving but after a few years of this I've come to the conclusion that he just would rather not and I'm not into pity sex anymore. So I told him I will no longer initiate, will leave him in the drivers seat when he wants it I will be ready willing and able, he hasn't initiated for I honestly lost count how long. I refuse to talk about it because I don't want to pressure him. 

He over compensates the lack of sex with loving me very well in every other way. Dotes on me like crazy, treats me like a queen otherwise. 

I will never be able to change him but I also don't want to abandon him, I know there are many people out there with HDs that stay married to their partners and remain in sexless marriages what is their secret?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

From what I have read, HD partners find other avenues in life to pursue. Working out, friends, new hobbies can help channel our energy for the good. Also if the HD partner can find relief with masturbation, there is less pressure to pursue the LD spouse which can help lower the expectations of the HD spouse.

Of course the hardest but most important part is the fact that one is completely committed to the LD spouse for the long haul. The very fact that the HD partner does NOT want to become a statistic can bring some contentment and peace amidst a very tough relationship.

Never give up hope.....there are many seasons in marriage, good, bad and down right ugly.....Best of luck to you


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

confusedgirl123 said:


> What are they? If any, do they exist?
> 
> How do couples stay married for years and decades when the sex stops and the bitterness and anger sets in?
> 
> ...


I watch porn and masturbate to cope. 

I stop complaining about sex with my husband and try to not get my feeling hurt from being rejected. I play with myself all the time and my husband knows it. It turns him on sometimes to see me having such a HD. When he wants sex, it is a bonus in addition to masturbation.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Some people just masturbate, some people have FWB's some people just become asexual some people divorce/separate, some people have affairs and sadly some people probably commit suicide.

You just do what you have to do.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

When I was in that position. The only thing I found that helped was to just stop caring and dissolve all desire for my wife. Problem was I then started looking to other Women for the intimacy I desired from my wife and I was also fast falling out of love with her. Neither of which I wanted. In the end I took an option you can't and told my wife either we fix this or we will eventually be done. She chose to fix it. We're working on that now. 

Good luck girl. I've sat where you are and don't want to go back there. Maybe I'm shallow but nothing my wife could do in other areas could make up for rejecting me sexually. Of course your situation is a little bit different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Ray...good for you and your wife! Well done.

But if the damage done is so bad that it is beyond repair the options really come down to divorce, masturbate, affair or allow yourself to become asexual.


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

confusedgirl123 said:


> I will never be able to change him but I also don't want to abandon him, I know there are many people out there with HDs that stay married to their partners and remain in sexless marriages what is their secret?


Do you have children together? Can you survive financially without one another?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I tried to cope with exercise, masturbation, shutting down all thoughts of sex. Resentment grew and soured an otherwise good relationship. Eventually I got some thrills online thinking that would be enough. It wasn't. I nearly walked out and now we are reconciled and hubby is working hard on the sex issue. So I have no secret to share and if my experience is anything to go by you may eventually crack too. Good luck.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Masturbation does it for me. In the shower thinking of the nutty ex-GF that wanted it all the time gets me off. She had a screw loose, but we had more sex in one weekend that my wife and I have had in the past four years, at least. 

Occasionally, porn helps, but only the real stuff (meaning ones where couple film themselves having sex, not the stuff with a production crew filming).


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

The main thing is to get past the resentment and feeling rejected. Masturbation may not be optimal but it should take care of basic needs. What is left is mostly emotional support. Feeling desirable, wanted etc.. 

So are there ways he can support you better in those areas where he does not actually need to have an erection?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

over20 said:


> From what I have read, HD partners find other avenues in life to pursue. Working out, friends, new hobbies can help channel our energy for the good. Also if the HD partner can find relief with masturbation, there is less pressure to pursue the LD spouse which can help lower the expectations of the HD spouse.
> 
> Of course the hardest but most important part is the fact that one is completely committed to the LD spouse for the long haul. The very fact that the HD partner does NOT want to become a statistic can bring some contentment and peace amidst a very tough relationship.


I agree with this. I will add two things. First, if you keep in mind that he has genuine health issues (assuming effort is being made to overcome them, or that it isn't really treatable), that may help some. The vast majority of us here on TAM have spouses who are either willfully oblivious to the HD partner's needs or have legitimate hang-ups but refuse to address them.

Two, distracting yourself from your unmet needs by pursuing other interests does not correct your situation. While you might feel better, your husband probably will not. By doing more on your own, you are impacting the things he does enjoy (spending time with you and doting on you). LD spouses tend to resent their marital happiness being disrupted even though their lack of sexual provision is the root cause of the problem.

I'm not saying you should not maximize your own enjoyment just to prop him up, so to speak, if he indeed would feel slighted. But, he may confront you about your behavior and you'd wind up having a talk that still comes back to the bad / no sex issue.

So, consider whether you should tell him up front what you need to do with your life and why. Mention you are committed to the relationship but need substantial time away from him to maintain yourself and try to fill in the gaps left by his inability to perform. I suspect the issue will have to be addressed at some point anyways, and doing so up front may prevent resentment on his part. It may even prompt him to try harder to address his mental health issues.


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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

Bottom line: you can try, but you may end up full of bitterness/anger/resentment. Certainly happened to me. I hated the person I was around my spouse due to the chronic rejection and other things. Spent time by myself/with friends and was much happier. That was the final straw, when I decided that things were not ever going to change, and it was either continue to deal with it, and be unhappy, or to move on, and be happy, even if alone. With no kids, I've chosen the second path...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

confusedgirl123 said:


> What are they? If any, do they exist?
> 
> How do couples stay married for years and decades when the sex stops and the bitterness and anger sets in?
> 
> ...



I too am high sex drive HD and my wifee is the Low sex drive LD one.

For 14 years, we had sex maybe 1x month, she would wait until we weren't talking much and then want sex, once, and thinks everything is okay....she would never initiate, never do anything other than vanilla (boring) sex, and she needed to loose a lot of weight.

During the last 2 months, she finally got it. Figured out how many calories she needs to gain, maintain and loose weight so now she eat up to 1400 calories a day and is for the first time, loosing weight. 17 lbs in 7 weeks now. Her sex drive still isn't high like mine but we have sex about 3x week now. No more I'm tired, its too late or excusing anymore either. She comes to bed sometimes only wearing her shirt instead of being clothed from head to toe. All because of her on going weight loss. We also took the 5 love languages quiz and that made the biggest difference because we now both know each others needs and we posted the results on the fridge as our daily reminders.

I have relieved myself thousands of times and, yes, viewed porn and even cyber sex a few times way way back. I only view porn on rare occasion now, when I'm really in the mood and no more cyber anything. Ideally, I'd like my wifee to want sex 3 - 4x every week and that would be enough so I don't get weak and relieve myself and to porn. She takes care of my needs and porn disappears.

Sometimes I tried no porn or relieving myself and having sex only 1x month. I went stir crazy.......!!!

Has your man made any serious efforts to take care of your sexual needs? Using vibrators on you, giving you lots of oral?

Viagra?

Does he smoke, drink? Really over weight?

Trying to figure out why he has issues?

Is he viewing too much porn? Seeing someone else?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If I was in that position, I would study up on what psych drug lowers the libido and ask my doc to put me on it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

That's not healthy at all.


I would ask the Dr. to find drugs and supplements to get my wifee or your man a high sex drive and find out why he has those issues, therapist, etc.

After you take the 5 love languages quiz, I bet you are Physical (12)........

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Were you addressing me when you said that's not healthy at all?

I'm not sure why not. If I was married to someone I loved but for some reason couldn't have a sex life with them (or anyone) I sure as hell would get depressed.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I wasn't addressing you in person, but men and women and the OP who have high sex drives.

Lowering a sex drive with drugs isn't the healthy way to go. Having a high sex drive is the way some people are built.

5 love languages together. Therapist. Marriage Counseling. Relieving oneself.

I hear yah.

If my wifee wanted no sex and did nothing about it, affairs or divorce for me.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I am not having issues lately but when the wife was having absolutely no desire, I coped with it in two ways; masturbation and long bike rides. Masturbation would kill the urge most of the time. The bike rides wore me out to the point that I could not care less whether she wanted it or not.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You say he has mental issues. What mental issues? Most mental issues can be fixed with a good IC or therapist. Is he on any phych meds that may be lowering his libido? Has he had his testosterone levels checked?

A sexless marriage is no marriage at all in my book. It would be grounds for divorce, AFAIC.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

sandc said:


> You say he has mental issues. What mental issues? Most mental issues can be fixed with a good IC or therapist. Is he on any phych meds that may be lowering his libido? Has he had his testosterone levels checked?
> 
> A sexless marriage is no marriage at all in my book. It would be grounds for divorce, AFAIC.



AMEN Brother:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Chloesmum (Dec 27, 2013)

I'm in the same position. I have a very high sex drive buy my husband just isn't interested……period. His beer is more important than I am apparently. We haven't had sex in 10 years and I really miss that part of marriage. He has told me to find someone else for sex, but I suspect that's the alcohol talking.


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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

*cough*10 years??!?!?!?*cough*

Has he ever had his testosterone checked? Does he watch/use porn?

After 18 1/2 years of marriage and not much, and nothing the past 3+ years, I am getting a divorce over this (and other) issues.

Why do you stay? Finding a "friend with benefits" might be OK until one of you becomes emotionally attached. Best to just bail if possible.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My ex wouldn't agree to an open marriage, so eventually I divorced her, *cop*acetically!


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## Chloesmum (Dec 27, 2013)

I wonder if my husband would agree to an "open" marriage. I may just have to leave him if things don't change. He is making an effort by going to AA, I go to Al-Anon, but I wonder if our marriage is far too broken to fix now. There are a lot of issues in our marriage and lack of sex is but one of them. But it is important to me. I know some women can live without it forever, but I'd be happy to get it once a day, more if possible, or at the very least once a week. Sometimes I just cry as it feels so hopeless.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Chloesmum said:


> I wonder if my husband would agree to an "open" marriage. I may just have to leave him if things don't change. He is making an effort by going to AA, I go to Al-Anon, but I wonder if our marriage is far too broken to fix now. There are a lot of issues in our marriage and lack of sex is but one of them. But it is important to me. I know some women can live without it forever, but I'd be happy to get it once a day, more if possible, or at the very least once a week. Sometimes I just cry as it feels so hopeless.


Why burden yourself with an open marriage. D him so you can be free to commit to someone who will treasure you. A sexless marriage is no marriage.


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## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

I did as much reading on open marriages as I could before trying it out and it is surprising how high the proportion is of people doing it that feel it adds to the marriage. But these are not generally people that have sexless marriages. Quite the opposite. That isn't to say it can't be a solution for a sexless marriage but rather that the reasons behind trying it matter very much to its success. 

If your husband is an alcoholic then that is a problem that needs to be fixed as opposed to thinking having sex with someone else will fix the problems alcohol has caused in a marriage.


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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

Generally, marriages that are sexless have some underlying issue or issues which are preventing the intimacy from occurring. Addressing the sexless part won't fix the other issues. Which is why sometimes it's easier to just end the marriage and move on (especially if things have degraded to the point where there is anger and/or resentment by one or both parties, and one party is resistant to change/therapy/counseling/etc.).


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

ZaphodBeeblebrox said:


> Generally, marriages that are sexless have some underlying issue or issues which are preventing the intimacy from occurring. Addressing the sexless part won't fix the other issues. Which is why sometimes it's easier to just end the marriage and move on (especially if things have degraded to the point where there is anger and/or resentment by one or both parties, and one party is resistant to change/therapy/counseling/etc.).


This is so true. 
I am angry and very resentful towards my wife of 18 years. At the very beginning the sex was frequent - 3-4 times a week, but she refuses to tongue kiss, refuses to go anywhere near me with her mouth, won't let me near her tit$ etc. very vanilla and boring. She knows how much a BJ would mean to me, even if I wore a condom...her response is 'over my dead body'. 

I've given up. I have tried to be a good husband over the years but she has done nothing to try and meet me half way. If she isnt interested then thats it. No compromise.
We went to marriage counselling....but when the topic moved to sex, she just stopped going. 
I still go...it helps me deal with my situation.

I have lost all respect for her. I resent her and I am very angry towards her. I could have spent the last 18 years in a good, sexula and loving marriage. I have wasted these years...to her.

Only two good things have come out of this marriage; my son and daughter. When they are old enough to understand about relationships etc I am out.

Perhaps I am being too selfish...but I am already thinking ahead and about finance. When my elderly parents die, I will inherit a good 'package'. I am quite happy to let my wife have everything that we have built up during our marriage..but I am not prepared to let her get her hands on half my inheritance.

Am I unreasonable?


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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

No you are not. I can certainly have sympathized with your message - 18 1/2 years of marriage (except no kids), and didn't have as much sex in 18 1/2 years than we did in the year plus of courtship. You went to counseling, I didn't, just left right after Christmas. Couldn't be happier. And am also being pursued by somebody new who found out that I'd moved out... trying to keep that for down the road a bit.

I will be filing soon, because my elderly mom's house will hopefully sell soon. She's not in the best of health (strokes) and there will be an inheritance there when she passes. I don't feel obligated to my STBX because I also worked 19+ years straight through (most at one job) and always covered her expensive healthcare and times between jobs (last one Dec 2009 - June 2012), ended up cashing in huge chunks of my 401k to keep us afloat...


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