# This time last year...



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

This time last year, I had just discovered my wife had been texting an old friend from high school quite a bit, after getting the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech. Further observation revealed the classic signs of "something" going on, and having gone on for quite awhile. I think we had actually began the false "trying to work it out" game, whilst she simply went further undercover with her communications with him.

Fast forward to today, where I am legally divorced going on a month now. (Wow, still hard to get that thru my head!!)
I finally got word from the bank (seller) of the home I was trying to buy and it looks like I will close on it within 2 weeks.
Then, its going to be all about moving in, unpacking the boxes of all my stuff, and trying to establish some resemblance of a "life". For the most part I am happy about the house coming together and getting away from the marital home where my ex still resides, but of course with it comes a deep sense of loss.

I still cannot say to this minute, that I know why this happened. Perhaps its not a question with an answer to it. 
A year and 2 months prior to this day, I was still hearing those I love you's, and future plans were being made for bettering our life together. Looking forward to the holidays coming up, and the traditional holiday routines. Then, suddenly, SNAP!!!
Then it sort of all took a hugely dark turn downward. 
I found out there was another guy, found out about her meeting him in secret. And after much of the regular events, divorce was thrown out there as a means to an end. 
Something I never had any inclination would be remotely considered. 

I went yesterday to go take a look at the house i am buying. Stood in the backyard and just gelled with it a bit. Had a smoke and thought to myself how much work was going to be needed in the yard and all. How much like that house and yard that I was, needing work, cultivation, landscaping and care. 
Walked around the house, trying to get some idea of what I was going to do in terms of landscaping, and areas that could use some touch up paint. 

People say that forgiveness is more for the person forgiving, than for the sake of the person who hurt them. I am having a very hard time with that. My ex is already accepting date invitations from "friends" because she is too ashamed of herself to even say who its with. I guess I really dont want to know. 
I cant say my life with my ex wife while married was all that wonderful either. So whats this feeling of loss all about? I tell myself constantly that I could never go back to her. That life was more about what I saw it as thru my own rose colored glasses, self induced euphoria, as opposed to really "being" good. 
I guess I have to face the facts that I will never "know" what happened with her. I say it must have been something psychological or physiological. I keep picking at that wound, and dont know how to let it heal. 
Whats with this feeling of wanting to tell everyone I know how wrongly shes treated me and our kid? I just dont get it, and I guess I never will. Nobody really wants to hear about it anyways, and they mostly know about a quarter of the truth in its entirety, sure to offer suggestions as to my own hand in forcing my wife to cheat on me and our daughter.
I just want to stop thinking about it. Its like being forced to watch your family home burning down, and theres nothing you can do about it, and nothing salvageable in the ashes.

So who cares if shes going out on dates now? Just because it hurts me doesnt mean I want to be back with her. So why does it hurt me? Why cant I be just as nonchalant and careless about it as she is? Someone flip that switch in my head so I can move forward with excitement and hope, just like she is.
I feel like I have been done a great wrong, and that there should be some karma or retribution or vengence involved for me, but I am not one to propose that. 
I at least dont want to "see" her living it up right now. 
Of course I still dont wish any bad on anyone, either.
But then again theres times I want to go find this OM and beat him within an inch of his life for taking something so valueable to me. And now he's professing a belief in God and how religious he's become. Even has himself a belt with a cross on his buckle.
How I would like to imprint that on his forehead. I would love to beat him with it, buckle first.

I dont want to wait to find someone else. I know how slippery of a slope that moving on with someone new is, and I know that I am not honestly ready for that yet. It wouldnt be fair to them, and I would worry if I were involving myself for the right reasons as well. But I also worry that I am damaged goods, and will unwittingly make that persons life more difficult because of all this. I would hate to subject someone to undue mistrust or accusation, and ruin something that might be good.

So, as I have said, I guess I will fly solo for a good while. Even while laying next to my wife for many years, married and superficially content, I longed for the touch of a woman, and it was up to this wife of mine at the time, who had nothing but excuses and bullsh!t to give in return.

Let me get myself going, get my life back together, and not worry about all this. It really does feel like someone has died, and you are left with no explanation as to why or what, just left to grieve about it.
I could sure use some signs of hope for me. I wish I could get on to the positive side of things, instead of continuing to hit them days where I am just a step above breaking down in tears.
I didnt deserve this. 
For as much as I have stood by that woman in all her issues and anti-marriage methods of thinking and acting, I gave away soooo much. I think I grieve for that. I grieve that so much of it was such a waste. The only thing that brings any consolation is the daughter that I at one time took as a sign that this was going to be alright, and gave me hope between my ex and I.
Foolish, now that I think about it. 
I just hope that once I move away and am not witnessing the ex's life as she goes about it, that I will eventually start getting better. 
But for now, she can $#[email protected]@!!,,, and !#[email protected][email protected]##$,, and after that she can $%$#%%## a @#@# ##@#, with all the @#@#!, to !#@@!#@$$% while they @[email protected][email protected]$$ and @%!!#$$ a great big @#!##$! in the [email protected]!%##$!!!


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Shoo,

I beleive that our stories are similar with the exception of my wife did not cheat on me but instead decided she needed out so she could find herself. It has been roughly a year since we made the decision that I would leave the house but I wasn't able to until Feb. I spent 4 1/2 months still in the house with her and the children. It became sort of a tomb which you had to return to each night and wonder if you were going to have a conversation or just sit in silence.

Currently I'm ahead of your time table because I got the house back in February and did the fixing it up with the help of my family and friends. The first six months I went through a period of what I'd call social coma. I didn't interact with my old friends or much of the family. I needed that time to figure out who I was and what made me happy. Although I'm still trying to figure that out I get better everyday so I do see some pinhole of light at the end of the very long tunnel. The idea is take it one day at a time and keep yourself busy. I found that out the hard way and when not busy the lonliness sets in something fierce.

As for her she has started in a relationship with a mutual friend which she denied to all of our old friends. Since then they have all avoided her so the relationship she is in now has currently cost her the majority of her friends as well as my family. It is sad in a way because I truely want to see her happy. I thought I could give her happiness but apparently I couldn't. I beleive she is now starting to see what price she has paid but that is her issue now not mine.

That is the last hurdle I need to cross, the one where you can't stand to see them cry or get hurt. I have no control over it now and once I get that worked out I will have moved on. I think it will be a wonderful feeling that day. 

I have not dated either and right now I really do not have much of a desire to do so although I long for good conversations and affection. I have started to put myself out there a little to see how it all works now. It has been 23 years since I have been on a first date and it scares the crap out of me but I realize it is something I need to do to move on. You will get there one day but take the time to right yourself.

This site and your posts have helped me tremendously and I look forward to hearing your good stories in the future.

Take care,

Shoeguy


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoeguy said:


> ...The first six months I went through a period of what I'd call social coma. I didn't interact with my old friends or much of the family. I needed that time to figure out who I was and what made me happy. Although I'm still trying to figure that out I get better everyday so I do see some pinhole of light at the end of the very long tunnel. The idea is take it one day at a time and keep yourself busy. I found that out the hard way and when not busy the lonliness sets in something fierce.


Yup, I know this, it has been my life these past 5 months. You have so described exactly how it feels, its a social coma and the loneliness is fierce. I am trying my hardest to reach out but it takes time and the progress is slow. On the weekend I met up for a friendly date and just the anticipation of going out and having a conversation with an attractive woman made for a very positive few days... Unfortunately it is a little complicated (isn't it always) and was a bit of a let down that it ended abruptly, but atleast for now I am holding onto that feeling of having something to look forward to.

My brother is also moving into the house from another province for a job he accepted here, and I am looking forward to having him around - we have always been very distant and so this will be a good chance to bond a little as well as for him to get to know his nephew. But it sure doesn't take those little moments of loneliness much time or effort to break you down emotionally, it's those times when I have nothing to do, no purpose, feeling so much loss and grief that suddenly you feel the daggers inside, wounding you and bleeding all that emotion you never really pay attention to when you are occupied with happy thoughts.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Lots of good words here spoken by several good men.

My wife should be "gone" by January 1st.

I'm looking ahead with a big of fear and a bit of optimism.

Shoo - what are some things you're looking forward to? What are some old hobbies you can pick back up, or things you always wanted to do but didn't have the time?

Hang in there. I bet - when you post a year from now - its going to be a much, much better, healthier and happier post.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Shoo,

Things do get better as long as you keep moving forward. You'll still have bad days and even bad moments within an overall good day, but those will get further apart. 

As to why it happened you are correct, you will never know for certain. All you can do is look in the mirror, change for the better and keep moving forward. And one thing to always remember, you may have pushed her to cheating, but she CHOOSE to cross that line and all the consequences that come with it. Her choice. As an adult she has to live that.

If you haven't stumbled upon or heard of Atholk's blog marriedmensexlife.com I highly recommend it. There is no timetable until when you begin dating. For me, I needed to work on myself first and becoming a single parent. Learning how to handle that with the issues of dealing with an ex in my child's life and then her new husband (yes engaged before our divorce was finalized and remarried within 4 months of our divorce and not even the guy she originally cheated with).

And its funny how life works out Shoo. I wasn't looking for anything or anyone and boom I find someone who has opened my eyes to a whole new adventure in life. 

So just know it gets better, but you got to keep moving forward.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks for the responses.
It is good to hear from those who have been thru it for awhile now.
The part time single dad scenario is going to be a learning curve for me, although the ex has had vacations in the past where I was totally responsible for the youngin for a couple of weeks. Funny thing is, when the end of the weeks was over, I was in a good rhythm with it. 

i have had a couple of women contact me, asking me when I was going to go "hang out" with them, but really right now the thought seems distant to me, as if I know I will be distracted by recent events. If the BEST scenario works out, I will be moved into my new house within 2 weeks. I will be sleeping on the couch as I have no bed yet, and also facing the unknown of the whole monthly budget as it will be. 
I think once I have an indication of what expenses will be, have a good room set up for my kid, and get into some sort of routine again, I will feel a lot better.
There was a time in my life for about eight months that I lived as a bachelor. Had my own townhouse, was handling things alright. 
Then my ex called and was sobbing on the phone asking me to give her another chance, after a week of those calls I conceded, and here we are eleven years later divorced. BUT, we did have a wonderful little one out of it. Not all was lost.

I hope to be able to do a lot more work on my old mopar if time allows. Its a 1970 Dart, and its been sitting for awhile. Mostly finance situations prevented a whole lot of working on it.. 
And it may be the case that things will be so tight that it will have to wait for a while longer as well, but thats just how it goes.
I dont know what the heck is wrong with me lately.. It seems like I have periods of feeling excited and fine, but then I go thru the slumps again. The all too often referenced rollercoaster ride.....

I think that initially, getting this house going and moving in and landscaping, setting things up, getting "out" of boxes, etc., is going to be the primary goal and focus as well as keeping my child taken care of and focusing time on her.
I hope that once things get on an even keel, I can get to where Feelingalone is and I am sure it will be better.

You know I really do appreciate you guys' responses and even when you hear the same things out of me week by week, I begin to worry Im sounding like a broken record.

A good thing recently is that the bank has returned the contract signed for the house I am buying from them, and for awhile that was an unknown issue that had me worrying. So, positive step for sure.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Shoo...

I have those same thoughts almost verbatim...I am not very far into my journey but it already feels like a lifetime...
My divorce date is 10/17...
thanks for sharing them...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> A good thing recently is that the bank has returned the contract signed for the house I am buying from them, and for awhile that was an unknown issue that had me worrying. So, positive step for sure.


I think we all have those broken record moments.

Congrats on the house! Those "unknown issues" really do take an unusual toll, don't they. Nice to have some clue as to what life is going to really actually look like, and not have to just kind of "wonder!"


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Shoo:
It certainly has its' moments: being alone. So many new changes, some good and some not so good. For me, this is the first time I am renting for many, many years. I may do some gardening this fall for winter color (I live in Florida).

I have turned down a couple of dates because I am not ready. I need to heal and I understand it is going to take as long as it takes. I am not really looking either.

I am looking into Tai Chi and go to class tomorrow. I am back in school and working toward a new career. Made lots of new friends and mark my calendar for each day of no contact. I am divorced since July '11. And sold house in August and moved out that same month.

One day at a time. I know it will get much better and exciting as I try new things and take chances for adventure (healthy, of course). May even take karate or ball room dancing.

Hang in there and I will hang in there with you and all of us!


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