# looking for answers...



## just4me2have2use (Apr 27, 2010)

I have been married for 8 years. We met in college when we were 20 years old, when there were no worries or concerns with any "real life" issues. Things were great then, but slowly started going downhill once we were married. The passion & connection quickly slipped away as we both changed from who we were when we met. 

I've always noticed how curious I am about other women, which has become very strong over the past few years. The type of woman (physically + emotionally/personality) I am attracted to has also significantly changed since college - which is now very different from the type of person my wife is. Not to say she isn't a beautiful & amazing person, b/c she definitely is... I just feel myself slipping away from where I need to be for things to work with us in the long run.

We don't have any kids... although she definitely wants them, and I'm not sure about it (likely b/c of the above reasons - or possibly b/c it just may not be something I'm ready for yet). Her clock is "ticking" and I feel a great amount of pressure - I feel partly to blame for taking away that opportunity for her to have kids b/c I'm not sure about it. (I realize that this is also on her to decide to stay with me). 

We have a fairly good relationship, get along well, have a good life, etc... but something is just missing for me. This "something" is our sex life, it started off good in college, had a lot of promise to become more free as we were together longer, but instead has become very distant. To me she seems very happy with the same old routine every time & I want to be surprised by things. She doesn't like experimenting & doesn't like a LOT of things that could be done in that area of our life, and I can't help but daydream & fantasize what it is like to experience them - makes me think if the sex / intimacy connection was more natural that I wouldn't have as many issues with other things in our relationship. I want to explore & experience as many things as possible in my life - I feel I have so much love & connections to give & share with other people, but I don't know what to do with it. It is almost as if I have developed the viewpoint that marriage has put a box around me, allowing me to only be a certain type of person, when in reality I may very well be someone who doesn't completely fit inside that box... that it is possible there are hundreds of people who are "right" for me in a variety of different ways.

I keep feeling more & more that we are so much better at being friends than being in a relationship - what we want / need from the other person is becoming something that the other person doesn't quite seem to be able to "fit into" or "get just right" to where we each aren't bringing up issues with it all.

We have been going to counseling for quite some time now, working on things, which has helped us out individually as well as helping us to understand better where the other is coming from. However, I am now here... posting this to see what other people think, so that is what it is... (if you haven't figured it out already, I can keep going & going on this topic - a bit wordy I am)


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## barelyalive (Apr 27, 2010)

Join the club, dude. If she wont do it before she gets married, she wont do it. I am married nearly ten years, and experiment is a dirty word in my house. 

In a wierd way , I believe a wife will not experiment - because they are scared of the repercussions of what may come out of it or perhaps you wont respect her for it or she wont respect you anymore.

Have you told her point blank - although this stuff seems gross and weird to you, it is very important to me and I need to at least get it out of my system. I want you to be the one to do it, because you are my love and always will be.


To me, if I had to do it all again I would marry a good friend over a good lover as the longevity of friendship is sure to outlast the longevity of a "spark".


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't have any great advice, but I just wanted to offer up why some of the things my H wants to try I am not willing to do. He is really into trying to same room sex thing with another couple. I will not do this. My fear is that once we do this, whats going to be next? Inviting another person into our bed or swapping? And I really know I am not doing that. But I also do know for a fact that my H will pressure me daily about doing it. To avoid that, I avoid the entire scenario.


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## just4me2have2use (Apr 27, 2010)

It's not anything kinky that I'm necessarily wanting, it's some simple things like oral sex (in either direction) - she thinks both are gross, which didn't come out until we talked about some things I would like to occasionally experience. 

Then there is the fact that she is the only person I have had sex with, and out levels of "need" are on the opposite end of the spectrum - which can be understood since we got married so young & didn't truly understand our bodies & what we each wanted as a person. I want to know what it feels like to be with a woman who truly wants me, wants my body & looks forward to getting my clothes off... (and trust me, I've received plenty of compliments from other women for my body how it looks with clothes on). 

The main thing that bugs me is simple, really. I just want her to want similar things to me in the romantic, sexual, intimacy level. We're just in different places, which feels awkward... I definitely don't want her to do anything she is uncomfortable with (ref to you Dawn - definitely don't do anything you know you're not comfortable with) - that being said, I'll still want it... so how to deal with it?

Again, there are other issues aside from the sex... just funny how the sex gets so much of the focus. Part of me feels the sex part should be a huge catalyst for fun & enjoyment in a relationship - the 2 partners should click in this area, relieving so much pressure of all the other aspects.


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## snappy (Dec 16, 2010)

You say you want her to want you..to want to take you clothes off. I can say from my own experiences that making a woman feel beautiful...making her feel very wanted helps a lot. Saying it..and not just when you want sex helps too. It may come down to the fact that the attraction level is just not there. I do believe that the attraction makes all the difference in the want...if she truly feels sexy and beautiful she may be more willing to experiment....


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Here is my two cents as a woman. I am married, unhappily sad to say. Been married for 17 years. I can say that I married my best friend and put the sexual attraction, compatability on the back burner...believed that friendship and communication were more important and that is what will make a marriage last...Well, after 17 years I have found that is NOT TRUE. Our marriage is great in most aspects; we've had our issues, but those can be worked out and improved with counseling, communication, each one of us trying to improve ourselves, etc.

But the SEX is non-existant. That is my decision. I simply do not find him sexy, desireable, do not look at him in that way. We do not touch, kiss or anything. The times I've had sex with him, which was maybe 2x a month, I did it out of obligation, for his needs. Never for mine. He sexually repulses me. It's like I'm touching, having sex with a friend or brother. Not normal.

So I can say from personal experience, you need to have BOTH. Both a best friend AND that natural, sexual chemistry. Of course with years of marriage, it will die down a bit. But two people who really love each other in a healthy way should want to touch, kiss, be intimate. And it's not the quantity that matters, it's the quality when it happens. 

I do not want it to happen, could care less about sex with him. It is so sad, but the truth. We are going to counseling, but don't think it will matter, as I've felt this way for YEARS. Basically have stayed married because of the kids and financial reasons. I know, selfish and so wrong. But I think a lot of women feel this same way, from what I've read on this forum. 

I think I just married someone who should have been my friend, got married too young and too quickly, without taking the time to find out if we were truly a complete match. 

You HAVE to have that intimate, sexual connection - or it is NOT a marriage, it will be doomed. I know - mine is.


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