# I have this huge fear...



## preso (May 1, 2009)

and maybe it'll help to write about it.

My husband has a daughter who is 20 and she is very irresponsible due to her mother constantly spoiling her and never giving her disipline...
and I fear since we are planning to move in a few years that his daughter will have a baby, her mother will refuse to help her anymore ( because she works and will not/ cannot leave her job to raise another infant)
and his daughter will look to us to help. My husband is a kind and caring man and I fear we will get stuck with her baby and raising it as our own.
I have nightmares about it, as it is too close to being a reality for us and I have been waiting all my adult life to retire, without KIDS !

anything I can do?
I've already talked to my husband about it but he assures me she is on birth control and not to worry but I am worrying. I don't think he will let the state or strangers rasise the baby as I'm sure she won't as she has no concept of any responsibility....
so its a constant nightmare.
Something I really fear. I think it would kill me as I couldn't bear the thought of raising children in my retirement years.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Cold turkey. Do not let her into your lives with her baby. She has to learn the consequences of her actions.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

i disagree with Dcrim... it doesnt matter if she is irresponcible neither you nor your husband should turn her out if she comes up pregnant. The child doesnt ask to be brought into this world, dont blame the baby for the mothers screw ups. It maybe a fear of yours, but right now you're saying you wouldnt help her, but if she happened to get pregnant, and the baby got here, your whole story would change. You not wanting to help your step-daughter raise her baby during your retirement years makes your sound selfish, as harsh as it may sound, thats how I look at it.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Not selfish! But having lived life...we each expect to live out ours in our own way...and that does NOT mean raising a new baby! It's the mother resaponsibility to do that!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Reality check ...

This is purely speculation correct? 

Wouldn't it be just as easy to speculate that she and the non-existent child's father would raise the baby?

Seems like you carry a pretty good grudge for this kid. What is it between you two?


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I too am confused is it the direct non-desire to deal with children period meaning you resent the fact that he's got a daughter at all? Does the fact that you've never had children mean you have no desire to have grandchildren either? Or is it really the fear of raising the child? 

I have to be honest here, I had my daughter at 19 and no she wasn't planned. But I wouldn't change it for the world. However I could have never made it to where I am today without my parents not to mention I believe she's been a true blessing in my parents lives as well and she's grandchild #6 out the now 8 existing. But she's brought along changes in my life and my parents that I could have never forseen taking place had she not come along. (can you tell I adore this little angel or what?!  )

Dig a little deeper share a little more, is there jealousy of this daughter somewhere?


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## mlc6633 (Jun 10, 2009)

You have the right to feel how you do. You are getting ready to live your second life with your husband. You should not have to feel like you have to raise your husbands childs child! NO way. You are ready to have your fun. Make sure you don't let your husband talk you into this!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Reality check ...
> 
> This is purely speculation correct?
> 
> ...


Speculation based on her history, she has lived with men in her mothers house ( with her mothers approval) since she was 16. We have no control over it. She is an adult now, 20 with a long string of men, some running like mad from her, others throwing bricks through the windows of her mothers house ( where she lives). She works waiting tables at night, part ime, sleeps all day and parties until dawn with her buddies most days after work or on her days off... she is a night life loving girl, who brings home men to live with her, then kicks them out when she tires of them or they go running from her screaming like a wild banche trying to get away.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mlc6633 said:


> You have the right to feel how you do. You are getting ready to live your second life with your husband. You should not have to feel like you have to raise your husbands childs child! NO way. You are ready to have your fun. Make sure you don't let your husband talk you into this!


Yeah I know........... 
the thing is, her mother apporves and enables this lifestyle of hers, 
and under her roof ! 
I feel she should be the one to give up her retirement, not us.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Rhea said:


> I too am confused is it the direct non-desire to deal with children period meaning you resent the fact that he's got a daughter at all? Does the fact that you've never had children mean you have no desire to have grandchildren either? Or is it really the fear of raising the child?
> 
> I have to be honest here, I had my daughter at 19 and no she wasn't planned. But I wouldn't change it for the world. However I could have never made it to where I am today without my parents not to mention I believe she's been a true blessing in my parents lives as well and she's grandchild #6 out the now 8 existing. But she's brought along changes in my life and my parents that I could have never forseen taking place had she not come along. (can you tell I adore this little angel or what?!  )
> 
> Dig a little deeper share a little more, is there jealousy of this daughter somewhere?



jealous of a little **** with no sense? ha, not hardly...
but thats downright funny.

My husband has been distancing himself from her and we have discussed it as its a very real possibility of her life going tragically wrong at any time. We have no control over it or her.
Husband says his daughter never wanted kids and he even called his ex to ask her if she planned to at the very least keep her on birth control.
Husband and I both have no desire to raise kids, I think he would do it out of pity to prevent the child from going to the sate and that would be a downright shame if we got stuck with a child neither of us want in our lives to raise.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

amberlynn said:


> i disagree with Dcrim... it doesnt matter if she is irresponcible neither you nor your husband should turn her out if she comes up pregnant. The child doesnt ask to be brought into this world, dont blame the baby for the mothers screw ups. It maybe a fear of yours, but right now you're saying you wouldnt help her, but if she happened to get pregnant, and the baby got here, your whole story would change. You not wanting to help your step-daughter raise her baby during your retirement years makes your sound selfish, as harsh as it may sound, thats how I look at it.


your right, we are not wanting to help her... we plan to move
and will be living in a recreational/ resort area. Its thousands of miles away from where we now live and she lives ( with her mother) There are no private or public schools, not many kids around... there and such an occurance would 
really screw us up in our lifes plans. 
I did not work hard all my life to retire early to help an irresponsible girl raise her kids, because she is too busy partying.
If we did take the child it would be because my husband would not want his grandchild to go into the states system and we would end up raising a baby we did not want and out of guilt.. and with resentment over ruining our lives as we have paid our dues and been responsible for ourselves.

WE KNOW PEOPLE OUR AGE WHO HAVE HAD THEIR LIVES RUINED DUE TO THIS SIUTATION !!!


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

If her lifestyle is how you say, then I think she is doing everything possible NOT to get pregnant (i know it still happens though). Being pregnant would put a huge damper on her partying and man-hopping.

That being said, if she did end up pregnant. She's 20, legally a grown-up. For some people, pregnancy can be a very positive, life altering experience.

If your fear does become a reality. I would offer help where I could, but draw the line at taking over her responsibilities. That's not doing her any favors in the long run. She needs to learn sooner or later. There are many ways you can help her without her moving in.

I'll cross my fingers for you that your fear doesn't come true though.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

scarletblue said:


> If her lifestyle is how you say, then I think she is doing everything possible NOT to get pregnant (i know it still happens though). Being pregnant would put a huge damper on her partying and man-hopping.
> 
> That being said, if she did end up pregnant. She's 20, legally a grown-up. For some people, pregnancy can be a very positive, life altering experience.
> 
> ...


We are doing that now and enforcing very strict boundries with her although she refuses to respect them.. at least we are telling her how it will be.
Her mother is just awful to allow her daughter to act this way but there is nothing we can do. His daughter has come over and told us she will sometimes be using our house to party and we laughed at her and told her no... she said we s u c k...
and we said yeah, too bad, time to grow up or get lost.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Have you had a conversation with your husband about that scenario? Your fears may be relieved by finding out that he has zero desire or intention of taking her in if she gets pregnant. Honestly, while our children are our children, there comes a point where forcing them to grow up is the best way in which we can help them. My sister was in similar situation as your stepdaughter (not as bad with the sexual activity, but bad enough) and my mother, despite complaining, established few boundaries. Indeed, my sister got pregnant. Of course, my mother helped her care for her infant. But, finally, my mother got fed up and asked her to move out and figure things out. Guess what? She did and she's doing amazingly. She has only managed to grow up and become responsible once she was REQUIRED to do so.

Another side of this issue is this: even if your husband took her in, it would not mean that you guys have to "raise the child". It's your home. You would assign her a room, request x amount in rent monthly, establish her responsibilities around the house and refuse to babysit (some may think it's harsh, but it is not ... responsible mothers don't have free, all-avaiable babysitters). If she can't stick to the agreement, evict her. That's life. Just because her mother enables her, doesn't mean you have to. So, if you know yourself and are strong enough to stand to your conviction of what is the right course of action, there's no way anyone can force you to raise a child. 

Of course, if your husband's not on the same page, then you have a problem. So the issue's not the girl and what she may or may not get herself into ... the issue is your husband and whether holds your convictions. Talk to him.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

preso said:


> your right, we are not wanting to help her... we plan to move
> and will be living in a recreational/ resort area. Its thousands of miles away from where we now live and she lives ( with her mother) There are no private or public schools, not many kids around... there and such an occurance would
> really screw us up in our lifes plans.
> I did not work hard all my life to retire early to help an irresponsible girl raise her kids, because she is too busy partying.
> ...


I read your post off to my husband, and he agrees with me, its selfish of you to want to put your retirement befor FAMILY. You might have worked hard to get where you are today, but it sounds like you're afraid of a little more hard work in helping someone with a child. I cant believe you would put a mother and her child out on the streets, thats just cold hearted. If I were in your shoes and my husband had a daughter and she needed help with a child, theres no way in this world I would turn her away, regaurdless of her life style. She would just have to understand that her ways would have to change and rules would have to be followed. I got married at 18 and had my son at 19. He's a blessing, he wasnt planed but sure isnt a mistake. Im thankful for him everyday. Having him made me grow up alot. And in my honest opinon, you need some kinda mental help puttin your retirement befor a baby. Thats just selfish, you're thinkin of yourself. Maybe her havin a baby will open her eyes and show her she has to grow up. Your husband is crazy if he lets you throw his daughter and grandchild out on the streets.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I don't understand why you are worrrying about this now, I too am worried about my children getting pregnant when I'm ready to retire and having to raise thier children, but I'm 28 and don't have kids so the chance of that happening right now is very small- why don't you try and make the relationship better between you and your husbands daughter... so she's been spoiled, she'll grow up eventually and you telling her that she's going to get knocked up and amount to nothing isn't going to make her change, there's more positive things you can do to help her then just worry about something that may or may not happen.


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## Betrayedagain (Jun 10, 2009)

I have a 19 year old stepdaughter, and she was spoiled, and was a brat growing up too. I have, nevertheless, accepted who she is and give advice to her whenever she asks. If she ever turned up pregnant (which there was actually a scare a few months ago), I would never ever turn her away if she needed help. Our doors are open if she needed. She knows she would be responsible in raising the baby, but I would gladly help out with the baby if she ever needed it. I don't think it would tie me down at all, as I would make my plans regardless and if my stepdaughter asked for some help on days I had plans, I would instead help her find other solutions to help her instead of cancelling my plans. Besides, I think worrying about a problem that does not even exist yet shouldn't hinder your life right now. I think if there are underlying issues such as your personal relationship with your stepdaughter, than maybe you should work on that a little more. Even though your stepdaughter is an adult, you are still a parent figure and need to initiate making that relationship better.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Preso, 

I have a hard time figuring you out. You seem very cold and detached and you and your husband seem to be married out of convenience and "common goals" in life not out of love. Sorry if that came out harsh and yes I know you cannot KNOW someone from a forum but your responses seem to be very cold to everyone, you seem to suggest that everyone else put themselves first and if others don't fit into that scenario then they've got to go no exceptions.

This daughter seems to be SCREAMING for someone to help her and love her and it seems as though your husband's ex is having a hard time doing so. People whom party all the time and sleep around with countless females/males are trying to fill a void they're unable to do themselves. She sounds like she has no self esteem but is trying to use these sexual acts to obtain some (THAT will never work). The ex needs to grow a set of balls and regain her home back from the daughter and all her shinanigans. 

I do admire you for being debt free and finding success on your own it's just something's not clicking for me on you.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

MsLady said:


> Have you had a conversation with your husband about that scenario? Your fears may be relieved by finding out that he has zero desire or intention of taking her in if she gets pregnant. Honestly, while our children are our children, there comes a point where forcing them to grow up is the best way in which we can help them. My sister was in similar situation as your stepdaughter (not as bad with the sexual activity, but bad enough) and my mother, despite complaining, established few boundaries. Indeed, my sister got pregnant. Of course, my mother helped her care for her infant. But, finally, my mother got fed up and asked her to move out and figure things out. Guess what? She did and she's doing amazingly. She has only managed to grow up and become responsible once she was REQUIRED to do so.
> 
> Another side of this issue is this: even if your husband took her in, it would not mean that you guys have to "raise the child". It's your home. You would assign her a room, request x amount in rent monthly, establish her responsibilities around the house and refuse to babysit (some may think it's harsh, but it is not ... responsible mothers don't have free, all-avaiable babysitters). If she can't stick to the agreement, evict her. That's life. Just because her mother enables her, doesn't mean you have to. So, if you know yourself and are strong enough to stand to your conviction of what is the right course of action, there's no way anyone can force you to raise a child.
> 
> Of course, if your husband's not on the same page, then you have a problem. So the issue's not the girl and what she may or may not get herself into ... the issue is your husband and whether holds your convictions. Talk to him.


yes I talked to Husband about it... HE DID NOT SAY HE WOULD TAKE HER IN...
but he did twinge at the thought the state would get the baby...
I believe he would stop the child from going into the state system ( foster homes or whatever)
due to the daughters irresponsible lifestyle... HE NEVER SAID HER WOULD TAKE HER IN !!! My god, no way !!!
I fear we will end up with the baby to raise AS OUR OWN...
which is equally as bad as the mother of the child living with us...
in other words, UNACCEPTABLE in my book.
Didn't work all my life to end up a martyr.
Husband would though... sad to say... he wouldn't let the baby go into state foster care or anything like that.

sure would suck big time !


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Rhea said:


> Preso,
> 
> I have a hard time figuring you out. You seem very cold and detached and you and your husband seem to be married out of convenience and "common goals" in life not out of love. Sorry if that came out harsh and yes I know you cannot KNOW someone from a forum but your responses seem to be very cold to everyone, you seem to suggest that everyone else put themselves first and if others don't fit into that scenario then they've got to go no exceptions.
> 
> ...


all I can say is maybe you should not try to figure me out then
and as far as his daughter.....
she may be screaming, but she is also punching, kicking and talking all kinds of evil.... in order to manipulate us.
Not happening... and she does have her mentor, her mother, who thinks its so cute when she comes over to terrorize us. We did not create her, her mother did... as we would never allow that behavior and were horrified to learn she was living with men under her mothers roof at 16 !!!
We can do nothing... the girl has her mother backing her up and on her side... as immature and stupid as that is.

That is how they are, real Jerry Springer material.
Far as why
my husband and I married, you have some nerve, but then... does not matter what you think... because you do not know me
and your well thought out opinion means little since its
not true.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I am having some of the same anxieties preso. only its with my sister. she did a really stupid, immature thing and decided to have a baby with a guy who cant hold a job- and she doesnt make that much. on top of that she moved a million miles away from all our other family. it just so happened that where she wanted to move was close to me. she is going to have baby soon and no doubt bad times will follow. im the closest one to her and she thinks i owe it to her to help her whenever she needs it (she will actually throw a temper tantrum if she doesnt get what she wants). but im afraid im not going to pick up the slack for her on this one. It is hard for some people to understand, but you do just have to draw the line.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

There is no line to draw when a baby is involved. I can not for the life of me figure out why people would turn a helpless baby away, a baby that WAS NOT asked to be brought into this world. Theres some cold hearted people in this world if they would turn a baby away, knowin its helpless and cant fend for itself. What would you do if something happened, and the mother couldnt feed her child, or theyre homeless and and the something really bad happens to the baby and the mother? It would fall all on the one that turned the mother and the baby away cause they dont fit into their life style. Its people like you that need help and need praying for. I really feel sorry for the babies brought into this world that need your help, lord knows you wont be there cause they dont fit into your perfect life style.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Well i can see you are passionate about this amberlynn. i have quite a few dysfunctional and irresponsible people in my family. two of them with babies. i can understand if you find my stance selfish. i know a few years ago- before either of my sisters had their babies- i would think the same exact thing. but i find your accusations a little exaggerated. if a mom wants to take care of her baby there are multiple ways to get help; other family, friends, church, or state help is available, or even adoption. I know im not comfortable with helping and so i have no guilt in telling my sister to utilize the many other avenues she has.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Last time I checked 20 years old qualifies as an adult. If this girl gets pregnant that is her burden to bear. Everyone has choices in this world. Most people know how babies are made. Going to have to let her make her own mistakes.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

a baby is NEVER a mistake. even if its unplanned, it will NEVER be a mistake. My sister turns 16 in aug, shes not a "wild child"..she doesnt get everything she wants, but if for some reason she came up pregnant, and my dad threw her out (which is unlikely) and she needed my help, i would be there for her.

My son turns 2 in Oct, and when he gets to an age where he knows where babies come from, and he goes out and makes one, im not gonna throw him on the street and say "you made this problem now you gotta fix it"... thats not how i was raised, ill be there for him, by his side, every step of the way. He will have to learn responcibilites, but no, i would never throw my child, step-child, sister, whoever.. out on the streets in the cold with a baby.


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