# Trial Separation Do's and Don'ts



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

My wife and I have been separated for 3 weeks now. I am searching for a do's and don'ts list to insure I don't make her mad or do the wrong thing. She left me due to a problem with alcohol which came with verbal abuse. I want to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. I have apologized at least 50 times over that period and she is looking for change in my personal life. I quit drinking the day she walked out on me. Any help would be appreciated. I Love my wife with all my heart. It took her leaving for me to realize I had lost the most important thing in my life. I am unsure if she is just taking time off to heal the mental scars or if she plans to divorce me.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Are you in counseling?

Go to individual counseling if you are not all ready.

Ask her to also go to marriage counseling to prove you are serious.


----------



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

I have been in counseling for 2 weeks. I asked my wife to go with me to marriage counseling and her response was she was not the one with the problem. She stated to me she is looking for positive things in her life apparently I am negative to her at this point.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here's a do and a don't, *do* the changes for YOU *don't* do them to get her back. 

Do consider implementing the 180 degrees rules from the 'coping with infidelity' forum. The 180 degrees sole purpose is to make you emotionally strong enough to move on with your life whether or not your marriage survives.


----------



## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

StandbyMe said:


> She left me due to a problem with alcohol which came with verbal abuse.


 I'm sure that she's brought this up to your attention SEVERAL times and it just went in one ear and out the other.



StandbyMe said:


> I have apologized at least 50 times over that period


 Apologies at this point is USELESS (she has probably heard you apologize before) ... YOU need to take action to prove your sincerity. 



StandbyMe said:


> I quit drinking the day she walked out on me. * She is looking for change in my personal life. *


 This is the KEY to whether she has a change of heart or stay away permanently. It WON'T happen overnight. Just because you've quit for a couple of weeks or even a couple of months is NOT going to do the trick. She needs to see and be assured (through your actions) that this is a permanent change. So if you want her back bad enough ... you will remain with the program for as long as it takes.



StandbyMe said:


> It took her leaving for me to realize I had lost the most important thing in my life.


Unfortunately this is TRUE is most cases. It takes something DRASTIC to happen before the offending party wakes up to the reality of the situation.

All you can do at this point is to continue making improvements and hope that ONE day she'll realize that this change is PERMANENT and is for REAL.

* She is looking for change in my personal life. * Take this message at heart because she's giving you a chance ... if you blow this ... you may as well say GOODBYE permanently.

My daughter had the same problem with her ex and she basically said the same thing to him ... problem was he just went through the motions but didn't take it seriously.

She is now happily married to a different man, while he continues to drink himself silly on a daily basis.


----------



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks for the suggestion's and support. Morituri you have brought up a very good point. I have been focused on ways to change myself in order to get her back instead of changing for myself. I have suffered in the past with depression and I discovered when you mix alcohol with depression the results are verbal anger. I only drank on weekends when I did drink but that does not matter. I quit drinking the day she walked out of me. Kauaiguy, yes she has brought this up to me MANY MANY times and I was NOT listening, My wife is a very street smart lady .. she will know when I change. I know her too well if she sees I haven't she will not come back .... I have one chance at this.


----------



## manofhurt (Aug 12, 2011)

Stands, looks like we are in the same boat , or all of us in the boat, cause if we wearnt, we would not be on this site,,, look I had a or have a problem with my attitude being I would say what I was thinking,,I screwed up and after 32 years she had enough, I lost my job 2 weeks ago, an dshe left, I guess the bills just got to much but now im working an dtalking to my pastor maybe things will better itself,, she has been gone 8 days , seems like 8 months, not sure wgen she is coming back just got to keep looking toward god and asking him for peace, I know how you feel, hurt, sadnees, anger, all the above, and you ask what do I do know, good luck we need it


----------



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Well it is officially 4 weeks today since she has been gone. I like a lot of you have gone through the "going insane" mode, severe depression, and loneliness ... I still have that one because I miss her very much. I began a exercise routine ; twice a day, walking our dog at daybreak, I joined a gym and I work out for an hour every day for the past week. I did have to buy a few more clothes as I have dropped 25 lbs in the 4 weeks. "DelinquentGirl" suggestion a book by Michele Weiner Davis 7 Step Program to Save Your Marriage. On my own I picked up another called "Change Your Life and Everyone In It" also by Michele Davis. I have read the first one and probably read it again after I finish the 2nd one. She is a very good author and I suggest anyone going through this to pick one up. 
I have officially stopped e-mailing my wife and stopped the phone calls 3 days ago. It got to the point and many of you brought this up but I am from the South and must be a slow learner. "Stop e-mailing her your only making it worse" And it was making it worse, I felt that I was annoying her. When you e-mail someone and they don't respond it is time to let it go so I did. 
I had some assurance from one our friends, that knows about all of this .. there are only 3 people that know about this by the way. Anyway the friend said "She is hurting just as bad as you are" give her additional time and space do not e-mail her and let her gather her thoughts in her heart. She said this is going to take some time and you know it. 
The one think in the book when she talks about a depressed spouse which is me is to stay active and exercise. I sat in this house crying for weeks it was killing me. So now I am staying busy and when I am home I read most of the time. It has been 2 or 3 days since I posted here and I wanted to give you an update.

Thanks for the Support Everyone ... I will continue to the very end to be faithful, wear my wedding ring and wait ... I have never been a patient person I have developed a little patient in the last week.


----------



## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

I think you did the right thing. The point is become a better you then you have something to offer. My only caveat is that she says you're the one with the problem. That may be true but you both need counseling. Definitely go yourself. At some point you may get her to come. I would expect your therapist will want that eventually. Nonetheless, concentrate on yourself right now. it's not a matter of ignoring her, it's a matter of focus. She will see the changes.


----------



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Sprinter: She just started a new Job and she is telling me she is focusing her entire attention in learning it. She say's she does not have time to dwell on our personal issues. I can't look into the crystal ball .. I would think at some point she must dwell on it? The best friend I spoke of earlier told me she does not have the "D" word planned. As she has talked to her. 
Kauaiguy brought up a VERY GOOD POINT. 
"She is looking for change in my personal life. Take this message at heart because she's giving you a chance ... if you blow this ... you may as well say GOODBYE permanently".

I am NOT going to blow my chance .... whatever it takes.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

morituri said:


> Here's a do and a don't, *do* the changes for YOU *don't* do them to get her back.


This x100.

You will fail if you do it for only that reason.
You need to stop apologizing also. Chances are this isn't an isolated incident, and constantly apologizing yet repeating the same behavior to which you are apologizing for, you are not sorry.

Continue to go to counseling. Maybe in time your wife will join you, maybe not. I would suggest attending AA also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

StandbyMe said:


> Sprinter: She just started a new Job and she is telling me she is focusing her entire attention in learning it. She say's she does not have time to dwell on our personal issues. I can't look into the crystal ball .. I would think at some point she must dwell on it? The best friend I spoke of earlier told me she does not have the "D" word planned. As she has talked to her.
> Kauaiguy brought up a VERY GOOD POINT.
> "She is looking for change in my personal life. Take this message at heart because she's giving you a chance ... if you blow this ... you may as well say GOODBYE permanently".
> 
> I am NOT going to blow my chance .... whatever it takes.


It sounds like you have a good idea of what you want. That's good. My caveat is that she says work is her priority right now. OTOH, she's looking for a change in you. I say change, work on YOU. But if she persists in putting her job above her marriage, that's alarming to me. So I would make those changes but at some point she has to see some value in the marriage. I don't know what she's been through so this may sound judgmental.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Go to an AA meeting every day


----------



## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

I am struggling in this process too. She left mid-July and we both were kind of still contacting the other. I was much more desperately contacting her doing pretty much the exact opposite of the 180. I'm sure my desperation was less that attractive. As Of 08-05-11 she said we are setting boundaries (her counselors suggestion) and so no contact other than via email.

So now I am going to counseling and even considering going to support meetings. I am struggling with not knowing what church to attend because she and I never made that choice. Just another part of my selfishness that I am regretting. I know I need to make that choice and move forward mentally and spiritually. My counselor is suggesting a 12 step which is tough because I have never made God a big priority in life. I guess sometimes you just need to jump in and trust that things will get taken care of.

I still think about her constantly and realize so many little mistakes that I made along with the big ones. I have been writing and keeping a journal. Some things that I want to say to her and others that I know I will need to be able to reflect on down the road if she won't come back and work things out. The unknown is what stresses me every day. I know she is struggling with the same decisions though.

It truly took the kick in the head of her leaving for me to realize the selfishness that I was living.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Sometimes that is what happens. You take someone for granted and don't wake up until they are gone. I know, because it happened to me also.

Look, beating yourself up over this and all the coulda, shoulda, woulda's is counterproductive at this point. You can't erase what has already been done.
What is important is you DID have a wake up call and your doing something about it. 
You cannot move forward if you keep looking back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jeffsdesigns (Jul 19, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Sometimes that is what happens. You take someone for granted and don't wake up until they are gone. I know, because it happened to me also.
> 
> Look, beating yourself up over this and all the coulda, shoulda, woulda's is counterproductive at this point. You can't erase what has already been done.
> What is important is you DID have a wake up call and your doing something about it.
> ...


can i hear an AMEN!!
I also realized what I've done..and she keeps looking back in the past.
All, i can do is try to improve me and make changes for the future..so i don't do it again.
I cannot change the past..but I can change the future!


----------



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

I have not been on the site in a few days and reading the transcripts from different people like me. As of this minute I am looking for something positive. I will walk each of you through it. It has been over 4 weeks now since she walked out. I know that does not seem like a very long time to some of you based on what I have read. The second week She and I sat down with a lot of emotions she said "I cannot talk about it maybe we could another time. I took that as a positive. After the second week I began to work on myself mentally and physically to improve myself. Walking, working out at local gym and reading a lot. Books on how to save your marriage also books on improving yourself mentally. As I stated in early post my wife has a new job she started last week. She had been searching for a job for 3 years and finally found one. So we had been communicating on the phone until last Thursday. Last Thursday is the last time I spoke to her on the phone. I left voice mail messages no crying or begging for forgiveness none of that. Just give me a call if you would like to. I did that for 2 or 3 days then stopped. I visited a friend twice that my wife and I know .. (she is closer to my wife than I) who knows the situation. The first visit was very nice she was polite and understanding and told me just to give it some time. After I left She and my wife discussed the situation over the phone apparently 2 or 3 times and when I went back to see the friend on the 2nd visit it was not good. The friend informed me your wife said "To Little To Late" ... How can that happen in such a short period of time? 
Obviously all she sees right now are the negative things in the past related to me. I have some pride about myself as I did some things right in life. That does not take away the hurt and pain she has. After being married for 10 years and living with a selfish , jealous, verbal abusive person ... I know you can't see anything positive in your future when your spouse tells you he is changing for himself after a couple of weeks. "All I have asked her is to give it some time". I left a voice mail message to her today with that one sentence. I had not called her 5 days.


----------

