# Wife is leaving, and I'm hurtin'



## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

I'm 49 and been married about 4 years. My first marriage, her second. She has 3 kids, all boys, with the twins 17 years old.

Yesterday, she sent me a text message to tell me she was leaving. She says she loves me, that I'm wonderful and any woman would be lucky to have me, but she can't deal with all the stress in her life and can't be in a relationship right now.

I'm devastated. I know I put on some weight since we've been dating (partly genetics, partly job stress), and I know she's not happy about that. But in every other way I can think of, I've worked to keep the marriage fresh. She says we don't communicate well and that's true -- mainly because she doesn't talk to me about what she's thinking and feeling. 

I feel I'm loosing everything. I have no family, no kids of my own and no one I can talk to. I guess that's why I signed up here. I don't know where my life is going now, and I don't know how to get through this. I just cry a lot. Guess I don't win a 'Tough Guy' award...


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

That's rough man. I think using a text message to do something like this says a lot about her, so maybe regardless of your actions this would have happened.

Being in a similar boat I feel some of the same pain. There seems to be a lot of knowledgeable and supportive people on this forum and reading what other people have posted about their own situation along with the responses from people has helped me somewhat.

I just got back from a nice long bike ride and went jogging for the first time in a long time the other day which also has helped. I feel like doing nothing so it took a lot of effort to get up and do something but it was worth it. Even a walk around the block can feel like an accomplishment.

I definitely felt like wallowing in my grief, and I did that, for a while, and I don't know if its healthy or not but acknowledging that I didn't want to feel better yet seemed to make sense. I guess just allowing myself to feel that it was ok to feel so bad seems like it was a good thing.

The one cliche people keep telling me is you have to take it one day at a time which is so simple but with a little (and I mean a very little) perspective the cliche seems so true to me.

Hope this helps.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

so sorry. this is going to be really hard for a while so learn to be your biggest fan and how to find ways to be more in your own corner.

exercise helps. getting out and being with other people help. read or listen to a ton of self-help material. all of these things will help you change your frame of reference. and of course, write a lot here. giving back here also helps you practice the behaviors you need for your own life.


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## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

MisterRitter said:


> I definitely felt like wallowing in my grief, and I did that, for a while, and I don't know if its healthy or not but acknowledging that I didn't want to feel better yet seemed to make sense. I guess just allowing myself to feel that it was ok to feel so bad seems like it was a good thing.
> 
> The one cliche people keep telling me is you have to take it one day at a time which is so simple but with a little (and I mean a very little) perspective the cliche seems so true to me.
> 
> Hope this helps.


I'm reading a lot of the threads, and at least I feel there are others going through a lot of similar stuff. I went to the bookstore and picked up a book, "Getting Past Your Breakup", so we'll see if that helps.

I hear a lot of people talking about going NC, and I probably need to do that, but it's really hard when I don't have anyone else to turn to. My whole life has been about her and the kids for a long time. I'm definitely scared, angry, sad, confused and everything else.

Thanks for reading my post and responding. I hope things get better for you. Maybe I'll check into group counseling. I wonder if that would be better or worse than IC.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sorry you're going through this. Many of us have been where you are.

Follow these items to the T and don't backtrack. Within a short period (few weeks) you will feel much stronger and as a possible bonus your wife might snap out of her selfishness. 

You are codependent. This ain't no joke. It's a serious issue and you MUST fix it.

Follow the commandments:

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this book in the next 24 hours: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend times with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dumped said:


> My whole life has been about her and the kids for a long time. I'm definitely scared, angry, sad, confused and everything else.


Many women may say that's what they want.

It's not.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Many women may say that's what they want.
> 
> It's not.


So true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Sorry you're going through this. Many of us have been where you are.
> 
> Follow these items to the T and don't backtrack. Within a short period (few weeks) you will feel much stronger and as a possible bonus your wife might snap out of her selfishness.


Thanks for the support. I've read through the first four chapters of "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and I just don't think that's me. Sure there are some area where I can see similar behavior in myself, but I don't think that really fits me overall. I have my own issues, but I'm not sure "Mr. Nice Guy" is me.

I'm still going to finish it, and see what I can learn and apply.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dumped said:


> Thanks for the support. I've read through the first four chapters of "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and I just don't think that's me. Sure there are some area where I can see similar behavior in myself, but I don't think that really fits me overall. I have my own issues, but I'm not sure "Mr. Nice Guy" is me.
> 
> I'm still going to finish it, and see what I can learn and apply.


Based on your description of what happened, it's likely you are codependent.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Dumped said:


> Thanks for the support. I've read through the first four chapters of "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and I just don't think that's me. Sure there are some area where I can see similar behavior in myself, but I don't think that really fits me overall. I have my own issues, but I'm not sure "Mr. Nice Guy" is me.
> 
> I'm still going to finish it, and see what I can learn and apply.


Every page doesn't have to make you feel like they wrote it for you. If you can get 2 or 3 things out of it that's 2 or 3 more then you had before reading it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Dumped said:


> Thanks for the support. I've read through the first four chapters of "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and I just don't think that's me. Sure there are some area where I can see similar behavior in myself, but I don't think that really fits me overall. I have my own issues, but I'm not sure "Mr. Nice Guy" is me.
> 
> I'm still going to finish it, and see what I can learn and apply.


*Codependency Test:* Take this test to find out if you're helping people who need or needing people to help:


1. Do you feel demeaned, hurt or offended when someone you love tells you they don't need your help?

2. In the last year, has anyone resorted to arguing, begging or raising their voice to get you to stop trying to help them?

3. If you had plenty of money and your child, sibling or parent had an addiction to drinking, spending, gambling or drugs, and they asked you for money to help with their necessary expenses (food, rent, clothes, bills), would you give them the money?

4. When someone shares a life or relationship problem with you, but doesn't ask for help, do you offer help or advice, anyway?

5. When you survey your relationships, do you find yourself surrounded by mostly people who need you?

6. Do you ever find yourself making excuses for the needy people in your life?

7. If someone you love has a substance abuse, emotional, spending or gambling problem, do you avoid confronting them?

8. * Do you measure your self-esteem by how much someone depends on you?*

9. Do you ever remind people where they would be without you?




A. If you answered 'yes' to any of the above, read the rest of this article and monitor yourself for the next 3 months to verify your answers.

B. If you answered 'yes' to 3 or more of the above, you may have a codependency problem. Read the rest of this article, get a trusted friend who is independent of you to keep you accountable, and read a couple books on the subject of codependence.

C. If you answered 'yes' to 5 or more of the above, do 'A' & 'B' above and ask your friend to attend an alanon, narconon or codependents anonymous meeting with you.

Codependency Test And Definition


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

While you're at it, for your own sanity right now, look at the biggest picture you can until your thoughts stop racing.

Detach, 50,000 feet, full afterburns with the stick pulled back as far as you can, as many Gs as you can tolerate. 

Trust me, this had to be beaten into my head by the people here.


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## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

Based on the co-dependency test, I'm not too codependent (only 2 yes's). Definitely something I'll watch out for, though.

I think most of my problem is just fear. Fear of the unknown, the future, rejection, even having to explain to people that we're getting divorced. If I had any friends (other than work friends), it would be easier, but I really don't. My wife was my best friend too.

My heart aches because I love her so much. If she thought she was going to be happier without me, I'd be crushed, but it might be easier to bear. Instead, she tells me she's leaving because she doesn't want me to have to deal with her issues, like her oldest son who is bipolar and a wreck. Or her health issues which are getting worse. She says "It's not fair" to me.

I was on vacation this week when she told me she's leaving. I've barely been able to think since then. Every time I get too deep in facing this, I'm suddenly exhausted and need to sleep. I have to be back in control of myself and emotions by Monday, so I can go back to work. I can't afford to be an emotional wreck there.

Trying my best to let go, while at the same time compartmentalizing so I can get through work time.

Damn, this sucks.


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Dumped said:


> Based on the co-dependency test, I'm not too codependent (only 2 yes's). Definitely something I'll watch out for, though.
> 
> I think most of my problem is just fear. Fear of the unknown, the future, rejection, even having to explain to people that we're getting divorced. If I had any friends (other than work friends), it would be easier, but I really don't. My wife was my best friend too.
> 
> ...


Dumped:

Often times it is difficult to see our own issues. Sometimes you have to go way back to childhood and get a feel for how they started in order to actually get a look at them. 

It sounds to me that you are hanging on to every word your wife is saying. I want to tell you that WHAT SHE SAYS is not really WHAT SHE MEANS. Those are just excuses for her feelings having changed for you.

Out of curiosity, what happened in your first marriage for it to lead to divorce? I am wondering if we can discern a pattern here and get a better look at where you need to improve.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Instead, she tells me she's leaving because she doesn't want me to have to deal with her issues


The typical bullsh1t excuse almost every walkaway spouse uses.

Give her what she's asking for. Stop dealing with her issues and stop being available. She should feel lucky to have your support. Instead she's rejecting it. Fair enough. Let her face life on her own and see the reality of your absence.

Follow the commandments.

And you're definitely codependent.


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## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

forumman83 said:


> Dumped:
> 
> Often times it is difficult to see our own issues. Sometimes you have to go way back to childhood and get a feel for how they started in order to actually get a look at them.
> 
> ...


I wish I knew what she means. I think we'd have a chance if I did. Without that, I don't know what could possibly be done.

As for first marriage, I don't have one. This is my first. I had a long term relationship that I ended. I knew she wasn't "the one", and I think she knew too. I entered that relationship "needing to be needed", but once I grew out of that, the relationship just wasn't working.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

I would have a talk with her and this is what I would say?

Honey, 

I've been thinking about what you said, stating you love me and you're leaving me because you are under a lot of stress and you want to spare me from that. I want to thank you for considering my feelings in all of this, but I knew what I signed up for when I married you. I also remember saying, "...for better or worse...". To me, those weren't just words, they had meaning. Although I'd hoped we'd never endure it, the worse is upon us, there is no escaping it. We can work through it together, and we will be stronger for it, but I'm not sure that's what this is really about.

I believe there is something greater causing you to feel this way and if it's simply that you are no longer "In love" with me, or there is another man, I will accept that move forward with my life, if you wish. But if what you told me about sparing me is true, I will not accept that. I will stand by your side, and together, we will get through it; I will be here for the duration because i love you, and that's what you do for the person you love.

So I ask you again, why are you leaving me?


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## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> I would have a talk with her and this is what I would say?
> 
> Honey,
> 
> ...


Had that talk. No real answers. 

She has totally gone NC, even though she's still living here until she's ready to move into her other house. Maybe she's already got a lawyer and plans on taking everything. No clue.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Mistake, stop caring about what she's doing.

She's a walkaway who left you over a TEXT message.

You owe her d!ck. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Nada. 

Her chaos is her own. Took me a long time to learn this. 

Focus on you, man. Set your sights back on you.


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## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

SkyHigh said:


> Mistake, stop caring about what she's doing.
> 
> She's a walkaway who left you over a TEXT message.
> 
> ...


I know she's the one that's leaving, but that doesn't change the fact that I love her. I know she's hurting, and it hurts me to see her in pain. She's feeling a lot of physical pain, too, and I just have to stand by and watch.

This isn't easy for anyone involved. I know I have to take care of myself, but I'm not going to do that by becoming a jerk who only cares about himself. I like who I am now, even though it's led me here. I'll be glad when I'm not on hold anymore.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

There's nothing wrong with loving her.

I love my wife dearly.

But do you love YOURSELF? Big question.

Until you do, you can't make any decisions. 

You're not being a jerk who only cares about himself. That's another habit that I need to break out of.

You can't "Nice Guy" your way through this, it'll consume you. 

Conrad has a very informative link in most of his posts, as does Synthetic. Check into them, man.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

And the thing I forgot to add...

...there's nothing selfish about focusing on yourself.

Focusing on yourself brings self-improvement. That's all it is. It's not being a selfish "Me me me" type.

It's actually healthy when you look at it from a 50,000 feet perspective.


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## Dumped (Sep 6, 2012)

SkyHigh said:


> And the thing I forgot to add...
> 
> ...there's nothing selfish about focusing on yourself.
> 
> ...


I've read the "Nice Guy" stuff, and it's really not who I am. I'm happy with who I am, and I know I'm strong enough to get through this (eventually). The problems are definitely on her side (and yes, I knew she had some issues WAY before we got married.) 

But there's "what you know", and "what you feel". That's the rub.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Homer McDonald states that giving into your feelings are your worst enemy. 

You can feel anyway you want. You can give into neurotic guilt, self-pity, or confidence. But feelings are just that, and they change.

It's rationality that brings about confirmation of those feelings. 

You love her. 

Why?

I can list a lot of reasons why I love my wife. 

Has nothing to do with feelings. 

I can also list a lot of reasons as to why things broke down.

Has nothing to do with feelings.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I know what you mean, Dumped. I keep saying that my head knows it's time to move on and let go, but my heart hasn't gotten the message just yet. These guys are absolutely right, though. You've got to stop thinking about and hanging on every word she says. She's giving you a ton of excuses. My STBXH is doing the same thing to me, and I finally decided if I'm going to keep my own sanity, I have to stop letting any of his words get to me. None of them match his actions so therein lies the truth. I have yet to find proof of another woman but I'm sure there is one, if not in his bed then in his head. But nothing I do or say can change ANY of that. Same goes for you, unfortunately. They are only projecting onto us with all their negativity. My STBXH says things about our marriage that aren't even true, but he has rewritten it so he can justify his own actions. You have to see that for what it is so you can stop dwelling on it. 

YOU likely didn't really do anything that wrong. Sure, we all have our own issues. Find yours and work on those but don't do it for her. Do it for yourself. If she sees this and decides she wants to give it another try, great, you can do that if you still want to, but don't have that be your ultimate goal or you will just be heartbroken over and over again at every turn. I speak from experience, unfortunately. I've learned to not expect or hope for anything because he will let me down. This is not the man I married. I'm not sure where that man went, but it's all I can do to maintain my own sanity so I cannot worry about his. Get me? Good luck!


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