# How do you take things slow in a new relationship?



## PAgirl

After reading some threads in here and also my current situation... I wanted to ask this question to get some feedback. When you are newly divorced, or if things are still being finalized legally and you happen to meet someone who seems very compatible and start a relationship with that person... how do you go about taking things slow in order not to potentially screw things up? I have been seeing someone for a month now and his feelings for me are getting serious already. I dont want to rush anything because I still am living with my soon to be ex. My ex is moving out but waiting till the holidays are over for the kids sake. I dont want to NOT date him either because he is pretty much everything I want in another person and I dont want to let him go. But its still all so new and not too late to slow it down to keep things moving in a healthy direction, so I think Im gonna have a talk with him. But what is taking it slow? Going on a date once a week, no more? Texting each day but limiting it? I just want to know how some of you have done it...the right way. thanks!


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## Pbartender

"Going slow" is whatever you define it to be. Just be certain that he knows in no uncertain terms what you mean by it and that he is okay with it, because he may have a different definition.

Whatever you decide, it's simply a matter of talking it over with your new BF, and working out clear boundaries and limitations on the relationship... Explain the situation to him, so that fully he understands what he's getting into. Talk about how the situation will affect the way your relationship will work. Discuss possibilities for making the situation better or easier in the future and how long that may take.

What you don't want is unvoiced expectations for each or the relationship. That will almost certainly lead to disappointment or resentment. If something about the situation constitutes a deal-breaker, it's far better to find out now and back away, than to continue and have it turn into a mess.


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## Dedicated2Her

> he is pretty much everything I want in another person


How in the blazes could you possibly know that at this point? Fact is, you don't. You think that based upon what? What he has told you. Taking it slow is telling him you just want to be friends until you can get all your stuff squared away.

You are still living with your ex!


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## Dollystanford

I don't do slow, if it works out then marvellous and if it falls over i'll survive
However I didn't even want to start anything for months after my split - be single for a bit, it's amazing how much it does for your self-esteem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Hehe. After reading about SLOW hat it's funny to come here and read this threat title. 

There is no workbook for how to go to slow. As for the "potential to screw things up"-- there are simply no guarantees in life. That is something divorce is an amazing lesson in/reminder of.

I would tell this guy how you feel. 

I personally am not a fan of dating while separated/divorced because I think one should grieve the loss of their marriage first and the hurt that goes with it but that is my own personal feeling. I wasn't able to even consider dating someone else for a LONG a55 time after my own separation/divorce. 

Everyone needs at least one rebound, IMO.


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## Jellybeans

Dollystanford said:


> I don't do slow, if it works out then marvellous and if it falls over i'll survive
> However I didn't even want to start anything for months after my split - be single for a bit, it's amazing how much it does for your self-esteem
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL. I didn't want to start anything for YEARS (ok, a year and a half and maybe 2) after my split. And even then I knew it was just for the time.

Sh!t, now I think all relationships are "just for the time."

Divorce does that to you. Hee hee.


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## Jellybeans

Dedicated2Her said:


> How in the blazes could you possibly know that at this point? Fact is, you don't. You think that based upon what? What he has told you. Taking it slow is telling him you just want to be friends until you can get all your stuff squared away.
> 
> You are still living with your ex!


:iagree:

Btw, I love the phrase "how in the blazes" and am going to start using it all the time now. Hee hee.


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## PAgirl

Dedicated2Her said:


> How in the blazes could you possibly know that at this point? Fact is, you don't. You think that based upon what? What he has told you. Taking it slow is telling him you just want to be friends until you can get all your stuff squared away.
> 
> You are still living with your ex!


Ok fine, maybe I dont KNOW that. But this person SEEMS to have plenty of great qualities. Bc it is christmas, I ended up meeting his whole family already (went to holiday parties with him) and I saw firsthand that he is very close with them. Which just gives me more of the impression that he is a really good guy that I shouldnt let go too soon.


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## Jellybeans

To me, that would be going way too fast. Meeting families and doing Christmas holiday things together? And you are still married? And live with your husband? 

Have you filed for divorce yet?

How long have you known new guy?

That is going fast, IMO.


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## Jellybeans

PAgirl said:


> I have been seeing someone for a month now and his feelings for me are getting serious already.


A month is way too short of a time to know much about him. Also, he's getting "serious" after a month? That would be a red flag to me. I have learned to RUN away from men who want to go way too fast way too soon. No, thanks.



PAgirl said:


> I dont want to NOT date him either because he is pretty much everything I want in another person


Oxymoron.

Does he know you are married/living with husband? How'd you meet this guy? I ask because I think most men who are healthy would not want to get involved in a situation (married lady livin with husband and kids) like this and so soon get serious.


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## PAgirl

Divorce is filed. Just waiting for decree. He was only staying in our house through the holidays for the kids sake. He is moving out in the next couple weeks.


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## Dedicated2Her

> Ok fine, maybe I dont KNOW that. But this person SEEMS to have plenty of great qualities. Bc it is christmas, I ended up meeting his whole family already (went to holiday parties with him) and I saw firsthand that he is very close with them. Which just gives me more of the impression that he is a really good guy that I shouldnt let go too soon.


Well, here is a piece of advice. Take it or leave it. 

Much to life is about timing. Your timing is really not good right now. Do you not have any faith that you could meet a "really good guy" when the time is right for you? 

Even though your marriage could have been over for quite a while, you still are living with your ex. Your emotions are going everywhere. They blind you. It's hard to see things clearly as you go through divorce and dividing things up......it is emotionally taxing.

Take your time to value yourself more. It will pay HUGE dividends down the road.

AND you have children.....UGH


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## Mo42

PA girl-- you may have read my thread. We are in very similar situations and i just asked exactly the same question a few mins ago...


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## PAgirl

Mo42 said:


> PA girl-- you may have read my thread. We are in very similar situations and i just asked exactly the same question a few mins ago...


I just read your thread. In my opinion, EVERYONE's situation is unique and people here will give you their opinion based from their own experiences which are NOT your own. So you need to take the advice given here with a grain of salt. It sounds like you know that you need to take things slow. So do that. But go forward with your divorce as soon as possible. 

For me, the new guy I am seeing is moving too fast for me and I have to tell him to slow down big time. If he doesn't like it, oh well. Why deny the possibility though! Just don't make any huge decisions with the other woman for quite a while... like moving in together. Because you may not be seeing things clearly yet. I don't know if Im seeing things clearly either. But I think I rushed into marriage with my soon to be ex, so I don't plan on doing that again.


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## Married but Happy

Taking it slow: waiting until the second date to have sex.

Seriously though, we dated for a year (every other weekend the first few months because of distance and custody schedules), then moved in together and kept things at that level for another 6+ years before deciding to get married (though we had discussed it when moving in together).


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## PAgirl

Married but Happy said:


> Seriously though, we dated for a year (every other weekend the first few months because of distance and custody schedules), then moved in together and kept things at that level for another 6+ years before deciding to get married (though we had discussed it when moving in together).


That sounds reasonable! I was thinking at least a year before living together... if of course it feels right by then.


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## Dedicated2Her

> I was thinking at least a year before living together... if of course it feels right by then.


PAgirl----if you have children, this is an absolute no-no. It doesn't matter what your situation is. Do not live with anyone within 2 years of the divorce. Read up on the effects of "instant family" on children. Do not create unneeded anger and resentment in them.

It shocking how many people that go through this say things like "the kids are resilient, they will be ok." Yeah sure. They will grow up and survive, but the emotional baggage that comes with them will take lots of work. All because some parent thought their "needs" took precedent. 

Now is the time for 1. you to heal and 2. for you to learn and make the absolute best environment moving forward for your children

I've seen the effects personally of parents moving on quickly and someone moving in........devastating.


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## Mo42

PA girl, if/when I feel like things or going to fast I absolutely would make it clear too. New girl 'gets it' though; we both have kids and she has spent the last 10 years of her life protecting hers. She understands my position and would not want me to be anything less than a good father. My divorce should be final in about 2 months and I am not planning on having her meet my kids anytime soon. I cant even imagine that. I dont have any idea when i could be ready for that. 

In any case, good luck to you and I hope you grow from your experiences and also find peace in your heart.


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## Pbartender

Dedicated2Her said:


> It shocking how many people that go through this say things like "the kids are resilient, they will be ok." Yeah sure.


Children _are_ resilient... but they are also excellent actors and fantastic liars.

In these situations, they are very often not as "ok" as they might look.


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## Hardtohandle

I dated my Ex for 5 years before marrying her.. She looked to cheat or cheated 4 times in these 19 years.. 

My friend meet his wife and talked about getting married 4 months after dating her. She got pregnant and they were married 2 months later.. They are married 11 years with 1 boy and 1 girl. 

I've come to learn there is no right and wrong.. What I thought I did was extremely right, down to waiting for her to finish college to get married.. I don't think it could have been more right and it fell apart horribly.. We don't even speak to each other and my Ex has not really seen our oldest since April of 2013.. 

My Ex moved out and in in with a man she met twice for sex and spoke to for 90 days before I caught her.. They have been together since March of 2013.. We are still waiting on papers to finalized..


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## hereinthemidwest

Hardtohandle said:


> I dated my Ex for 5 years before marrying her.. She looked to cheat or cheated 4 times in these 19 years..
> 
> My friend meet his wife and talked about getting married 4 months after dating her. She got pregnant and they were married 2 months later.. They are married 11 years with 1 boy and 1 girl.
> 
> I've come to learn there is no right and wrong.. What I thought I did was extremely right, down to waiting for her to finish college to get married.. I don't think it could have been more right and it fell apart horribly.. We don't even speak to each other and my Ex has not really seen our oldest since April of 2013..
> My Ex moved out and in in with a man she met twice for sex and spoke to for 90 days before I caught her.. They have been together since March of 2013.. We are still waiting on papers to finalized..


I know first hand how hard this is. You think wow how fast they replaced you. That's called co-dependent. Will never last. Keep doing what you are doing. She looks like a fool not you. Cream always rises to the top!


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## hereinthemidwest

PAgirl said:


> After reading some threads in here and also my current situation... I wanted to ask this question to get some feedback. When you are newly divorced, or if things are still being finalized legally and you happen to meet someone who seems very compatible and start a relationship with that person... how do you go about taking things slow in order not to potentially screw things up? I have been seeing someone for a month now and his feelings for me are getting serious already. I dont want to rush anything because I still am living with my soon to be ex. My ex is moving out but waiting till the holidays are over for the kids sake. I dont want to NOT date him either because he is pretty much everything I want in another person and I dont want to let him go. But its still all so new and not too late to slow it down to keep things moving in a healthy direction, so I think Im gonna have a talk with him. But what is taking it slow? Going on a date once a week, no more? Texting each day but limiting it? I just want to know how some of you have done it...the right way. thanks!


Are you serious? :scratchhead: Clean up one relationship before starting another one. There is NO WAY you are emotionally available. Take time to heal and get to know yourself. Learn how to survive ALONE. It's time to be your kids mother and shine. Not jump from the frying pan into a fire. Makes me wonder what type of guy would be willing to see someone who lives with their spouse still. WTF


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## firebelly1

Satya said:


> I am one of the slow crowd. I did not even start dating seriously until two years after my separation (1.5 years after divorce was final). This was absolutely intentional on my part.
> 
> I think that getting involved with someone so soon does not give you ample time to heal from events. It also is unfair to the other person because your mind may still be riddled with all of the stress and strong feelings pulling you from all directions. Not everyone is the same though and sometimes it takes trial and error to know for sure if you are indeed ready.


Satya - for those of us newly divotced or separated - does the pain go away? Is that what takes a year or two?


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## firebelly1

PA - I was in exactly your boat a year and a half ago. I said exactly the same thing - he's too good to let go. But the fact that I wasn't healed from the demise of my marriage made me a bad partner and he ended up getting hurt in the end. Rebounds can be mean.


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## Satya

*Re: Re: How do you take things slow in a new relationship?*



firebelly1 said:


> Satya - for those of us newly divotced or separated - does the pain go away? Is that what takes a year or two?


The pain never really goes completely away, but it does become manageable and eventually it may give insight into the things that have brought you to the present. At least, this is what I discovered. I had to process a lot of resentment and hurt and I went through many phases until I reached a point where I was really feeling prepared to make myself vulnerable to another again (about 2 years). I did therapy, joined a good woman's group, and luckily had very good friends who respected my healing process but still got me back into social life. 

I was better equipped with boundaries and a wiser outlook, felt like I had "grown" in a way or evolved to better understand others and what types of behaviors to avoid. I also made a personal promise that if I gave dating a really good go and had no success that I would just focus on myself. One of the most important things I learned was that I could be alone for the rest of my life and live very happily and fulfilled. The thought did not scare me at all. I think there are quite a few who feel that way on TAM.


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## firebelly1

Satya said:


> The pain never really goes completely away, but it does become manageable and eventually it may give insight into the things that have brought you to the present. At least, this is what I discovered. I had to process a lot of resentment and hurt and I went through many phases until I reached a point where I was really feeling prepared to make myself vulnerable to another again (about 2 years). I did therapy, joined a good woman's group, and luckily had very good friends who respected my healing process but still got me back into social life.
> 
> I was better equipped with boundaries and a wiser outlook, felt like I had "grown" in a way or evolved to better understand others and what types of behaviors to avoid. I also made a personal promise that if I gave dating a really good go and had no success that I would just focus on myself. One of the most important things I learned was that I could be alone for the rest of my life and live very happily and fulfilled. The thought did not scare me at all. I think there are quite a few who feel that way on TAM.


Having gone the rebound route the first time I REALLY get that I need to be alone for a while. I also know that I really want to live this life with someone by my side. AND, I know that paradoxically, I really must be okay with being alone in order to find a good someone. Some days that paradox is REALLY annoying.


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