# Growing Apart, and it hurts



## Comitted75 (Sep 21, 2012)

I see a lot of threads here asking about advice but there's normally some defined point driving the separation- abuse, infidelity, financial issues, etc. We have none of those. 

We've been married for 8 years and we have a child together. Our marriage has survived the typical ups and downs. We have open communication, we don't argue intensely very often, and we've been good about putting an honest effort into the marriage.

I've always fought very hard for this relationship and marriage, to work on myself and my behaviors and do my best to provide for this family. I've always felt very emotionally connected to my wife, even through times when I wasn't physically connected. 

Something clicked this summer though, where like a light switch, I'm just entirely not attracted to her on any level. I still put 110% into my husband & father duties, but I do it out of commitment. My wife and I have never had an outstanding sexual relationship, but we've always seemed to compensate for that by having an excellent relationship otherwise. Now I just feel like we are roommates. We've talked about all this but it's not improving for me. I'm not happy and neither is she, we're both sort of "co-existing" and we believe in trying to make this work. 

Not only do I pay the bills, I do the vast majority of housework, cooking, and I help as much as possible with our child. I have a handful of reasonable expectations and they aren't being met. My wife and I are from two completely different upbringings. I was raised very blue-collar and do it for yourself type of mentality. She was raised in a more entitled, Mommy will do it for you type of household. This was easier to overcome before we became parents. 

To summarize, I suddenly and vigorously feel that we are two completely different, incompatible people on all levels- physically, sexually, emotionally, the gamut. I crave affection, she shuns it; I crave order, she creates chaos & mess; I take pride in earning and hard work, she feels that's someone else's job. 

What to do when there is no specific driving forces? I feel like I am condemning myself to a life of unhappiness by staying in this marriage? I also feel ashamed to put our child through the pains of divorce, when we should exhaust all other options first. 

Anyone else just growing apart? Can we rescue this somehow?


----------



## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

Two books will help you here:

"Divorce Busters"

"Hold on to your N.U.T.s"

Read these books, reflect on the content, and then come back here and answer your own question, "Can we rescue this somehow?"

:smthumbup:


----------



## Comitted75 (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks WalkingInLight, heading to Amazon now. 

I do want to add some clarity to my post. I'm by no means blaming my wife, or expecting her to change. I accept that what she brings to this relationship is 100% of what she can give. I know this issue is with me & my expectations of what I think a marriage could, should be. I want to FEEL something for someone else. Holidays are just BLAH, Vacations? BLAH, day to day grind is somewhere less than BLAH. I want more, but I know that's my issue. Anyway, off to check out those books, thanks.


----------



## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

^ Good on ya!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Have you two been to marital counseling? Maybe a couples counselor will help you make better inroads into HOW/WHAT you two can compromise on so you both feel like YOUR MOST IMPORTANT NEEDS are getting met (realizing, of course, that ALL of your needs will never be met.)

Have you two ever read any self-help books for couples TOGETHER? Either buy 2 copies or you each read the same chapter and then discuss it.

Have you tried buying a sex manual and reading it together just to get some new/fresh ideas?

Don't know what else to offer here. I do give you props, Committed; your name says it all! At least you're CARING and TRYING to make your marriage work. How many of us here wish our STBXs and actual ex's had TRIED....or even CARED?


----------



## sunyata (May 3, 2010)

Hang in there as this is a hard time. I had a similar situation but with no children. Both of you really need to attend counseling. This will open up a lot of things that you might not even notice right now. 

Based on the way you describe your situation, your wife needs to really step up to the plate and participate or she is going to lose you. My ex didn't really understand and value my needs in our marriage which caused its end. We loved each other greatly and were best of friends as well. There are compromises for sure in a marriage but some needs just cannot be ignored and just build up over time. I think that there is hope for you both, only if your wife can come around and participate and give you what you need in the relationship. If she is smart and wants to keep you, this act of giving from her will bring you two even closer together.


----------



## unconnected (Oct 7, 2012)

just came across you posting. Have things moved on?
I can really identify with you; have been through some similar issues but over a longer time frame. Still havnt found the courage to do anything about it but I'm getting there slowly. 

"Something clicked this summer though, where like a light switch, I'm just entirely not attracted to her on any level. I still put 110% into my husband & father duties, but I do it out of commitment."

now if you really have lost attraction and it is not just a matter of lacking physical attention from her, then from my experience there is only one way that your relationship is heading, a slow death. Staying out of a sense of commitment is miserable and in the end you will start looking (maybe you already have) for someone else. I stayed in my marriage until my children left home (the last 10 years of unhappy commitment to my family)...and now I wish I had left many years ago. I am now 'free' to move on having found somebody but am so used to the trappings and comfort of homelife that I am torn between a future of fulfilled happiness (leaving) and a future of unfulfilled mediocrity (staying). Don't waste your life 'doing the right thing' if the 'light-switch' really has gone off...if it's just a fuse that has blown that's another matter, fuses can be repaired!


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Married man sexlife and no more mister nice guy sound like great books for you. You ate doing too much and letting her take advantage and she isn't attracted to that. The guys in the men's lounge will advise you better than I can, they are experts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

