# I feel sexually assaulted by my fiance



## cookingirl78 (Oct 16, 2013)

I'll try to make this as quick as possible. 

I am a childhood sexual assault survivor who was also sexually assaulted again as a young adult (age 19). So I am VERY sensitive to men not respecting the word "no" in the bedroom. 

I've been with my fiance for about 3 years. We are planning to get married next summer. He knows all about my past, I haven't kept anything secret.

The problem is that he tries to be everyone's therapist, especially mine. He has no experience with professional counseling, nor does he have any education except for one or two psych classes at the community college.

He complains that he doesn't get enough sex, but he is by no means deprived. I have read stories on TAM of men and women not having sex for weeks or months. We have sex 1-4 times per week, depending on stress and other issues.

The other day, we were lying in bed together fully clothed for what I thought would be just a simple cuddle session. He started undoing my pants and touching my genital region. I pulled his hand gently away and told him that I just wasn't in the mood.

He then started complaining that he never gets to "explore" my body. He said it wasn't about sex, he just wanted to touch me. I told him we could do that another time, but I just wasn't in the mood to have my vagina touched.

I buttoned my pants back up and he grabbed my arm (not hard but firmly) and unbuttoned them again and started touching me. When I protested, he told me that I "sounded like a rape victim" and I need to "get over it" and this was the way to move on.

He finally stopped touching my vagina, but then insisted on rubbing my back and arms. I told him I did not want to be touched at all and wanted some space. He wouldn't stop touching me so I started having a panic attack. I have them once in a while. They aren't too bad and I'm not on medication or anything, so I would describe my panic issues as mild. 

I kept begging him to stop touching me and told him I needed some time alone. I even compromised by saying he could stay in the room, I just needed him to back up a few feet. He then grabbed me around the chest/stomach and wouldn't let go. He didn't physically harm me, but it made my attack much worse and I couldn't breathe. He just kept saying he was trying to show me that nothing bad would happen if he held me or touched me and that he was trying to "help" me. 

I fought back then because I couldn't breathe, and I admit I was physically abusive because I hit him as a way of trying to get him off of me. I know it's wrong to hit your partner. I never hit anyone before, I just needed him off like RIGHT NOW. I told him I had to use the bathroom, and he forced his way in there and wouldn't stop rubbing my arm even as I urinated. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he stopped and left me alone and I sobbed for an hour.

The next day, I asked him if he thought what he did was ok, and he said "absolutely. I would do it again. I want to help you and that's the only way you will get through this."

I feel sexually and physically violated. He says that I only feel that way because of my past. Am I over reacting? I don't have anyone I can talk to about this in my life so I am reaching out here.

Troll Post -Amp


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

if he can't learn to understand your needs on this, you should call off the engagement. dead serious about this.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

actually, let me rephrase that. it does not sound like he is capable of understanding your needs with regard to this, and you should consider calling off the engagement.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ugh what a creep: Even if you weren't sexually assulted in the past, his behavior is enough to scare someone. Does he get off in the fact that you were sexualy assulted?

I'd leave him, he's behavior is not only physically abusive it's also psychologically a abusive and cruel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

the fact that he thinks he is somehow helping you is at best idiotic and at worst disturbing


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It doesn't matter if you "only" feel that way because of your past. Your past is your past and we all respond to current situations based on our past experiences. Seriously--if you took his hand and held it over a stove burner, I'm guessing he'd try to pull it back because "his past experience" is that stoves are hot. 

I don't even know how you're sleeping in the same house with him after something like that. I'd be concerned because he didn't respect your requests, REPEATEDLY. I'd be concerned that he dismissed every single boundary that you clearly expressed to him. I'd be concerned that he seems to think his job is to "fix" you despite the fact that he has no idea how to do it (P.S. DIY exposure therapy is pretty much NEVER a good idea). I'd also be concerned that he seems to think that he is entitled to do anything he wants to your body anytime he feels like it.

I'd have a REALLY hard time coming back from an incident like that, I have to tell you. I don't think that you're over reacting in the least, he's the one who escalated the situation to the point of a panic attack.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Run like hell now. This is very abusive and will only get worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

UM, maybe time for a new fiance ? 

For him to disrespect you like that with full knowledge of your past trauma is a HUGE red flag.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Ugh what a creep: *Even if you weren't sexually assulted in the past, his behavior is enough to scare someone. *Does he get off in the fact that you were sexualy assulted?
> 
> I'd leave him, he's behavior is not only physically abusive it's also psychologically a abusive and cruel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he is not the man for a sexual abuse survivor.


think long and hard before you marry him.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It's hard for me to say what is right or wrong for you - if you feel that way you do. I would not have felt violated but I am not you. Your boyfriend was probably trying the desensitization technique as they use with agoraphobia and other phobias when he refused to give you space but typically phobias are _irrational_ fears whereas yours is more PTSD. I don't think it was the right approach. 

In a way you do need to get over it but it comes in the form of healing and empowerment. I think you need to find a counselor who specializes in this type of emotional trauma so you can take back your life and sexuality without feeling violated.

And meanwhile explain to him that no is no - especially in your case; he cannot push your boundaries right now but I think it should be followed by getting professional help and we aren't qualified to do that here.


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## cookingirl78 (Oct 16, 2013)

I'm glad to know that my feelings are valid. When you have someone you trust tell you over and over again that you need to just "get over it" you start second guessing yourself.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> he is not the man for a sexual abuse survivor.
> 
> 
> think long and hard before you marry him.


I don't think he's a man for anyone. He thinks he's a therapist and does innaprotpate things, he also doesn't know what "stop and no" mean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You also need to get therapy so that you can heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *COgypsy said:* I'd have a REALLY hard time coming back from an incident like that, I have to tell you. I don't think that you're over reacting in the least, he's the one who escalated the situation to the point of a panic attack.


:iagree:

He wouldn't be able to come near me again. I'm a sexual abuse survivor and he would have gotten a swift one to the nuts with what he pulled.

Next, a packed bag.  I'm out. He's unbalanced.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have childhood trauma and have issues with being touched when I don't want it.

So I'm with A Bit Much he wouldn't be able to come near me again. It wouldn't be 'safe' anymore. Any idiot who knows about sexual abuse knows this. Geesh.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have found that sometimes when you open yourself up in relationships, thinking you're being honest and up front about your hangups etc., the chance of it being used against you in some way comes up in less than mature, less than loving partners. They claim to care when they hear it, but later, will try to tell you just what your fiance did. It's not a big deal, that wasn't me, it happened a long time ago and you need to let it go.

Let me tell you, no partner will tell me WHEN I should let something go, nor will they tell me HOW I should do it... that's their terms. Being abused is being subject to someone else's control and if anybody with a brain thought about it, they would NOT do any of the above mentioned things. What a loving partner should be doing is understanding you and first and foremost RESPECTING your boundaries. 

Your fiance failed. Big time.


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Oh, honey, I hope you hear us. This is not good at all, in no way. Yes, you have a past & you may have been having a "trigger" moment because they happened no matter how much treatment you get. We just learn how to respond differently when triggered when we are on the road to becoming healthy after confronting & dealing with sexually abuse or assault.

So, you NEED a mate who can be sensitive, understanding & not PUSHY at all. Not
an arrogant, know it all who hasn't walked in your shoes. OMG

I don't know what it is but I've found in many cases where we can attract those who treat us in this matter and pick the type over & over again. It's like our compass for evaluting safe love is damaged & we fall for those who love us less than proper & can get abusive because majority of the time our abuser was someone who was suppose to love us. It's a twisted love cycle until we recognize & break it.

YOU deserve better. Leave, don't entertain anything he had to say. He's showed you who he is in words & deed.

Dear, please run, run, run!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cookingirl78 (Oct 16, 2013)

Once when he was really angry at me, he said implied that I enjoyed the abuse as a child. I stayed with my parents for a week after that and didn't talk to him. He apologized and said he'd never say something like that again and that he felt awful.

I'm not saying I've never said anything mean to him, but nothing like that ever.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

cookingirl78 said:


> Once when he was really angry at me, he said implied that I enjoyed the abuse as a child. I stayed with my parents for a week after that and didn't talk to him. He apologized and said he'd never say something like that again and that he felt awful.
> 
> I'm not saying I've never said anything mean to him, but nothing like that ever.


And NOW, he's touching you sexually when you clearly stated you didn't want to be touched that way.

Um, yeah. Stick a fork in him, he's done. You don't need that in your life. You should feel safe with your partner and you can't possibly with his warped thinking. He's the sick one, not you.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

cookingirl78 said:


> Once when he was really angry at me, he said implied that I enjoyed the abuse as a child. I stayed with my parents for a week after that and didn't talk to him. He apologized and said he'd never say something like that again and that he felt awful.
> 
> I'm not saying I've never said anything mean to him, but nothing like that ever.


And this time he feels entitled, not awful at all. 

There's a huge difference between saying something mean during a fight, and taking low blows.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Leave. Get away. This is not going to get better. There are flaws you can "work with" in a partner, but this is not one of them.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

You need to leave him. This will actually set you back in your recovery. If you are not in therapy, please consider it, so you can heal.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone else said, you should have kneed him in the nuts. If he can't understand how what he did was wrong, he's not a suitable partner for someone that's gone through what you've gone through. To be perfectly honest, he doesn't sound like a suitable partner for anyone. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm not going to jump the gun and say he's abusive just yet. I think you and he should both extend the engagement and go to couple's therapy ASAP. As much as he wants to be an arm chair psychologist, he's not going a very good job of understanding what has happened to you in your past.

ETA: I posted before I fully read the thread and didn't see what you wrote in message 19. He is insensitive and cold. You really should leave him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yeah, the guy's a major creep. Not husband material. Don't understand why you didn't just get off the bed and go in another room. If he was physically restraining you from leaving that is false imprisonment.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

I'm also a sexual abuse survivor. Regardless of your past history, he abused you sexually and emotionally and without any regret. He has already let you know that he WILL do it again because in his twisted reasoning, he thinks he's helping you. RUN FROM THIS MAN RIGHT NOW! Call it off today... immediately. End it. No apologies. No reason for long drawn out explanations. No accepting his rationale. Just end it.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

cookingirl78 said:


> I told him I had to use the bathroom, and he forced his way in there and wouldn't stop rubbing my arm even as I urinated.


Setting aside for the moment all of the far more serious behavior you mentioned, this alone is enough of a basis to peg this guy as a loon and next him.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You should take a long break from him.....maybe a break from dating also for a bit. Get back into IC if your not already. In his head he thinks he was helping but all he did was trigger past abuse.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Writer said:


> You need to leave him. This will actually set you back in your recovery.* If you are not in therapy, please consider it, so you can heal.*


This^^^ as well as leaving, _immediately_.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband would NEVER EVER treat me this way. When I say no, he immediately backs off. 

Run like hell from this guy and don't look back. Your finance will take advantage of you and has the possibility of raping you in the future. You do NOT need this. You can not change this guy, nor help him become a better person.


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

I've come across a few threads where men seem to think that we as women "owe" them sex - I don't think this is a healthy way of thinking, and I don't think this relationship is healthy, either.  I would deffo call this quits, and take some time to heal yourself before you move into a relationship after ending this one.


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## cookingirl78 (Oct 16, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Yeah, the guy's a major creep. Not husband material. Don't understand why you didn't just get off the bed and go in another room. If he was physically restraining you from leaving that is false imprisonment.


He didn't physically restrain me but he blocked the door. He's bigger than me so it's not like I can just push him out of the way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Blocking the door is also NOT okay. 

You know this right?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Blocking the door is also NOT okay.
> 
> You know this right?


Absolutely right! It's holding you hostage.

My ex h held me hostage in my home. It was a horrible experience. He also abused me on a daily basis.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

cookingirl78 said:


> I told him I had to use the bathroom, and he forced his way in there and wouldn't stop rubbing my arm even as I urinated..


He's a disgusting controlling pig.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

This is just painful to read. Instead of being everyone's therapist he needs to go see one. His behavior is way to aggressive and he doesn't understand how its making you trigger. 

Call off the engagement. There is no future for you two unless he can see how repulsive his actions are and has a better understanding of your pain.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

cookingirl78 said:


> He didn't physically restrain me but he blocked the door. He's bigger than me so it's not like I can just push him out of the way.



Please stop making excuses for him. Your life with him is going to be miserable. He's going to exploit your vulnerabilities anytime it suits him and then tell you it's for your own good. Next time he'll rape you and tell you it's for your own good. Get the hell away from him now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> It's hard for me to say what is right or wrong for you - if you feel that way you do. I would not have felt violated but I am not you. Your boyfriend was probably trying the desensitization technique as they use with agoraphobia and other phobias when he refused to give you space but typically phobias are _irrational_ fears whereas yours is more PTSD. I don't think it was the right approach.
> 
> In a way you do need to get over it but it comes in the form of healing and empowerment. I think you need to find a counselor who specializes in this type of emotional trauma so you can take back your life and sexuality without feeling violated.
> 
> And meanwhile explain to him that no is no - especially in your case; he cannot push your boundaries right now but I think it should be followed by getting professional help and we aren't qualified to do that here.


I agree. I don't think your fiancé is knowingly hurting you. Whatever he thinks he knows(he is arrogant about it), is grossly misguided but I don't think his intentions are bad. I think he wants to help you but he is doing it all wrong. I would suggest you both go to counseling so you can work on this together in an appropriate way. Hold off on marriage until you see that you can work together on this issue.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

inarut said:


> I agree. I don't think your fiancé is knowingly hurting you. Whatever he thinks he knows(he is arrogant about it), is grossly misguided but I don't think his intentions are bad. I think he wants to help you but he is doing it all wrong. I would suggest you both go to counseling so you can work on this together in an appropriate way. Hold off on marriage until you see that you can work together on this issue.


OP, PLEASE don't listen to that advice by inarut!!! (no offense inarut) Anybody who would tell you that you enjoy being abuse as a child is an abuser himself. He going to end up raping you and either tell you that he helping you or that you like it. 

WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM AFTER THIS TWO INCIDENTS??? You do not want to get to the place where you can't safely leave.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> OP, PLEASE don't listen to that advice by inarut!!! (no offense inarut) Anybody who would tell you that you enjoy being abuse as a child is an abuser himself. He going to end up raping you and either tell you that he helping you or that you like it.
> 
> WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM AFTER THIS TWO INCIDENTS??? You do not want to get to the place where you can't safely leave.


I did not see the post where he said she enjoyed it....no offense taken. I retract my previous comment...I do hope you leave this relationship behind and get counseling so you can overcome what you've been through.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm not a survivor of sexual abuse, and I find his behaviour extremely concerning. 

My husband would never ever do this.

Your post where he told you that you enjoyed being abused is also a big worry.

I'm still on the fence - not sure whether he is just extremely misguided (and arrogant to boot) or if he is an abusive pig. So, my advice below is based on this being a one off incident by a misguided idiot.

At the very least, I think you need to tell him over the phone or via email (not in person) that your trust in him has taken a huge hit and you no longer feel safe in his presence. Tell him that you're moving out and getting some therapy to see if your trust can be recovered or not. Don't worry about clothing or other belongings in the house, buy new ones if you have to, or send someone to get your favourite/important things.

But do not even think about going back, much less marrying him until you have had at least several sessions with a counsellor, and at least one where he is present, so the counsellor can tell him in no uncertain terms how inappropriate his behaviour was.

However, if this type of behaviour is a pattern for him you need to run like hell and don't look back.

You WERE violated. Make no mistake. You would still feel violated even if you hadn't previously been abused.

I'm so sorry you're going through this  xxx


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I have nothing against therapist, but I do think we overuse them in today's society.

Sometimes the best therapy for a guy is a few of your steroid juice taking friends coming over to deal some therapy, too...if you get my drift.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Blocking the door is also NOT okay.
> 
> You know this right?


Not only is it not ok, it is illegal. It is false imprisonment.

Your fiance sounds like bad news, I would think long and hard about spending my life with a man like this. He completely violated your boundaries and disrespected you.

My husband would never ever do this to me. It is inexcusable.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Troll Thread


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Blocking the door is also NOT okay.
> 
> You know this right?


True. Blocking one's egress from a room is often found in restraining orders as a reason to evict the transgressor from the home. Even if there is no physical abuse. Having been on the receiving end of such a (bogus) order I can state this to be fact.

I am aware this is a troll thread but some good conversation came out of it so thanks to the troll for wasting their time and providing the rest of us with some useful fodder for discussion.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

CookingGirl, your gut is telling you something very important here. What your fiancé did was violating and if you think marriage is going to make this better I can guarantee it will not. I know you may be very attached to this man by now but this type of behavior is wrong and he has shown that his needs and desires are more important than yours. He dismissed your telling him to stop, very wrong.

I was molested repeatedly as a child, fought off a rape as teenager and then later in my 20's. I can tell you that what you are feeling is not just about your past. This man is in the wrong. Thank goodness you did not allow it. You have a right to your body, he does not and do not forget that.

He complains about 1-4 times a week? I wonder if he might be a sex addict. 1-4 times a week is pretty good in my book. 

Some of what you said reminds me of my first husband. He would demand sex. There were times where we would have sex 8 times in one day and it was never enough for this man. After we were married if I didn't want to have sex he would threaten me that he would go find it else where. So I started just letting him do whatever to me and waited for it to be over. He ended up having an affair and when I found out I felt so thoroughly violated. I had allowed this man to use me, in order to keep our marriage together in my own thought process, and it wasn't enough. He still sought sex elsewhere.

I have sense learned that sex addicts cannot be pleased and they are very empty people. They look for sex to confirm that they are fine. They collect women like a serial killer collects items from their victims and the more women these addicts get the more confident they feel but inside they are terribly insecure.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Troll Thread


Just a reminder.

Troll.


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