# I don't think I want to be married anymore, but my husband does



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

Background info: 
I have battled extreme anxiety my whole life that came about from abandonment issues as a child. I have felt numb most of my life because of this and have always attached myself to friends and boyfriends who I believe could take care of me. It is not that I did not love these friends and boyfriends or that they were unhappy, but I don't think I was ever fully invested. I have never lived by myself and have honestly never been single for more than a month or two.

I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 1. We have been arguing (the most horrible fights I have ever been in) for the past 2 years. We almost called off the wedding 2 weeks before the wedding date because of our fights, but we decided to go through with it because (in my mind) we thought everything would get better. Slowly, we have become more of best friends than a romantic couple. Our sex life is not great. Lately (in the past 3 months) I have been paying more attention to the guys that hit on me when I go out and find myself in the mindset that I want to be single again.

What I think changed is that I started taking anti-anxiety medication earlier this year, which has completely changed my life (in a good way). I am so much happier and see things more clearly now. I don't feel numb anymore. Because of that, I don't feel like I need to be attached to someone in fear that I need someone to take care of me. And, I'm realizing that I think of my husband as a friend more than a husband. I really want to be single, live by myself, and grow on my own.

I realize this is not fair to my husband. But, I honestly didn't know I felt this way until recently, when my mind became clearer. If I had known all of this when we were planning to get married, I would have called it off.

Currently, we are in marriage counseling to talk about our issues, but I just don't think I want to be in this anymore. My husband feels that he does not want to get divorced.

Am I crazy? Should I just stick with this? I feel like being unhappy in a marriage is even worse for both me and my husband. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Thanks,

Logan


----------



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

I should also mention that we have no kids.
I am 29. My husband is 40.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

It's your life. Only you can make yourself happy. Don't stay in a marriage if you don't want to be there. It isn't fair to you or him. Let him find someone that will love him back. 

Sounds like you know what you want.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

It will only get worse, trust me. I am a guy, 50 yo. If you are roommates now, it will only go downhill from there. Go have sex with kids your own age.


----------



## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

I have to agree with what they're saying. It sounds like you know what you want, but you're just at the beginning of your journey to separating.
If you don't leave in an honest way, you'll find reasons to make him look like a bad guy, even if he's not; you'll try to justify your wanting to leave.. and that's unfair to him.

Be honest with yourself, be honest with your husband, and discuss this in therapy.

It will hurt him, and probably you, too, but it's unfair to drag him through this is it's unnecessary.

HOWEVER; if you think there IS a part of you that wants to stay, and maybe work things out... explore that. You'll regret it if you don't... you'll always wonder if you made the wrong decision.

Trust your gut. It's rarely ever wrong.


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Do what you must, but please work out your personal issues before involving anybody else in a long term relationship. What you are doing to your husband is wrong, and he deserves a committed wife. You obviously don't fit that bill.

Divorce and be free.

Just stay away from me....(if I were single)


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

lolong1987 said:


> Background info:
> I have battled extreme anxiety my whole life that came about from abandonment issues as a child. I have felt numb most of my life because of this and have always attached myself to friends and boyfriends who I believe could take care of me. It is not that I did not love these friends and boyfriends or that they were unhappy, but I don't think I was ever fully invested. I have never lived by myself and have honestly never been single for more than a month or two.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 1. We have been arguing (the most horrible fights I have ever been in) for the past 2 years. We almost called off the wedding 2 weeks before the wedding date because of our fights, but we decided to go through with it because (in my mind) we thought everything would get better. Slowly, we have become more of best friends than a romantic couple. Our sex life is not great. Lately (in the past 3 months) I have been paying more attention to the guys that hit on me when I go out and find myself in the mindset that I want to be single again.
> ...


You started taking a medication...this medication has altered your outlook on many things. So much so that in 7-ish months...you have determined that you don't want to be married any longer. 

It would be prudent to stick with the MC..and probably start some IC before you make such a significant life change. Maybe...be sure...VERy sure...that this changed outlook on your husband and marriage is not wholly related to the meds.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I feel terrible for your husband. After the divorce stay single for a very long time.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

If you want to be independent, single & live on your own, then avoid dating for a while & figure out what you need in life & from a lover that will make you happy. 

I lived on my own from 2007 to 2010 and it was fantastic. 
I learned how to be independent from my family & to be strong emotionally. 

Always listen to your intuition & conquer your fear of abandonment. 
Make sure you have plenty of interests & hobbies so you don't become lonely. 

If your husband truly loves you, he will understand your needs. 







Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> You started taking a medication...this medication has altered your outlook on many things. So much so that in 7-ish months...you have determined that you don't want to be married any longer.
> 
> It would be prudent to stick with the MC..and probably start some IC before you make such a significant life change. Maybe...be sure...VERy sure...that this changed outlook on your husband and marriage is not wholly related to the meds.


I'm going to quote this for emphasis. 

There's a lot of folks on this site that promote D at the first sign of unhappiness, which is pitiful, selfish, and small IMO.

MC = Marriage Counseling. IC= Individula Counseling. Get some of both before you decide to turn your back on your H. Be certain this is what you want.

What made you want to marry in the first place?


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

And I want to state something else. "If your Spouse loves you they'll understand" is absolute tripe. Occasionally, maybe, but this is a tall order for the most philosophical, logical, non-emotional of people. For everyone else, it might as well be El Dorado.

Consider this: You promised someone you would forsake all others; for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Now, they've invested emotionally and financially in you, and you come back and say "I didn't mean that earlier promise. What I really meant was till I decide I'd rather be single to sleep with all the guys who are hitting on me. Or until I feel I have outgrown you."

Now, with that in mind, imagine being the person getting told that. Yeah. That's not a recipe for "understanding" no matter how much your spouse loves you.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Are you only wanting a divorce to go out with other guys? or is it that you are truly unhappy in your marriage because your husband is not a good one?

I would definitely get some counseling before you decide you are done, I think you owe that to yourself and husband.

As for the sex tell him what you want and need, if he is not already aware.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lolong1987 said:


> Slowly, we have become more of best friends than a romantic couple. Our sex life is not great. Lately (in the past 3 months) I have been paying more attention to the guys that hit on me when I go out and find myself in the mindset that I want to be single again.


Warning: this will probably hurt to read.

What's happening is that the STABILITY he has given you has allowed you to relax for probably the first time in your life, so that you have a false sense of 'being ok.'

But you're not. Not even close. The trauma/anxiety that is a BIG part of you has not gone away; it's just been soothed. And now that you feel safe from what he has done for you (much like a father would do, which you probably didn't have as a child) as well as the medicine, you falsely think you can now go out into the scary world and be ok.

You can't.

Your anxieties would return in a rush as soon as you pack up and move.

Why? 

Because you haven't done the hard work to FIX those issues within you. And unfortunately, that will take YEARS of therapy to dig deep enough down into why you feel that way and then what you can do to erase it. IIWY, I would be doing that from the relative safety of your marriage. Who knows what you might eventually turn into or who you might want to be with. 

But if you leave now, you will just continue to go through a string of guys - most likely losers because your dysfunction will draw their kind in - who will dump you as soon as your anxiety, neediness, and worse gets out of control. And then you'll find yourself ten years older, having wasted a good part of your adulthood chasing an elusive dream...all because you didn't do the hard work in the first place - on YOU.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What are all these horrible fights about?


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> What are all these horrible fights about?


Seeing as the OP is not likely coming back, my guess would be that she is not fully invested in the relationship (her words, non-verbatim), which causes resentment in both parties. When that happens fights are inevitable. No matter how much she plays it off with excuses (barring his being an abusive, manipulative complete azz), the fact of the matter is what she did, and is doing, is wrong. 

I feel sorry for her husband, and pray that she either fully invests herself into the marriage (the best scenario, so long as she truly does this, and holds to her marriage vows), or she divorces him and he finds a REAL WIFE.

I also feel sorry for the next man that falls for her poison, if she decides to leave the marriage. With her emotional and mental baggage, she is toxic.


----------



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

Lostme said:


> Are you only wanting a divorce to go out with other guys? or is it that you are truly unhappy in your marriage because your husband is not a good one?
> 
> I would definitely get some counseling before you decide you are done, I think you owe that to yourself and husband.
> 
> As for the sex tell him what you want and need, if he is not already aware.


No, I am not wanting to leave just to go out with other guys. I just feel that I have awoken to the fact that what I want from a marriage and life is different than what he wants.


----------



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

Thank you for your response.

I have been in therapy for many years dealing with the death of my parents. My father was a wonderful man and very much in my life when he was alive.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What is your therapist doing to figure out where your anxiety comes from and what is your therapist doing to work through it with you? How often do you go? What is your homework like?


----------



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> What are all these horrible fights about?


The fights vary from topic to topic. The reason I consider them the worst fights I've ever been in is because we have trouble reaching a point of understanding or to "agree to disagree," like most of the other arguments I've gotten in through life. It seems like we both want to be right, which is something we are working on in marriage counseling. Some of our fights have gotten to the point of throwing things and slamming doors, which is also new to me.


----------



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

turnera said:


> What is your therapist doing to figure out where your anxiety comes from and what is your therapist doing to work through it with you? How often do you go? What is your homework like?


What I have learned through therapy is that I have abandonment issues. Because I lost both of my parents and my brothers and I were pretty much ignored by our extended family, I constantly feel like everyone I love will leave me at some point. This has caused me to have panic attacks when being alone in a room by myself, social anxiety, and constantly looking for approval. None of those were great feelings. I have been given homework to visually picture scenarios where I am by myself and in social situations where everything turns out ok (which it usually always did). I also started working out on a regular basis to help with stress relief. I was going every two weeks, but now that we've started marriage counseling, I do not, mostly due to money issues.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Members could offer advice if they knew whether the fights are about: money, sex, housekeeping, time, friends, family, work etc.


----------



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

Luvher4life said:


> Seeing as the OP is not likely coming back, my guess would be that she is not fully invested in the relationship (her words, non-verbatim), which causes resentment in both parties. When that happens fights are inevitable. No matter how much she plays it off with excuses (barring his being an abusive, manipulative complete azz), the fact of the matter is what she did, and is doing, is wrong.
> 
> I feel sorry for her husband, and pray that she either fully invests herself into the marriage (the best scenario, so long as she truly does this, and holds to her marriage vows), or she divorces him and he finds a REAL WIFE.
> 
> I also feel sorry for the next man that falls for her poison, if she decides to leave the marriage. With her emotional and mental baggage, she is toxic.


I don't try to make my husband seem like an abusive, manipulative ass. I think he is a wonderful person.


----------



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Members could offer advice if they knew whether the fights are about: money, sex, housekeeping, time, friends, family, work etc.


A lot of the fights have been about sex, because there has been a lack there of. We never argue about housekeeping, family, money, time, or work. There have also been a lot of fights about feeling underappreciated (from both sides).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? Both of you would benefit from reading it. I recommend reading a paragraph each night, together. And then doing the worksheets that come with it.


----------



## lolong1987 (Jul 20, 2016)

turnera said:


> Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? Both of you would benefit from reading it. I recommend reading a paragraph each night, together. And then doing the worksheets that come with it.


I have not. Thank you for the recommendation. I will take a look at it!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Awesome! Pay particular attention to the part that talks about Love Busters, because that's what you and he are doing to each other right now, and you simply can't feel love for someone if they're continually Love Busting you, and that's where you both are at.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

lolong1987 said:


> Background info:
> I have battled extreme anxiety my whole life that came about from abandonment issues as a child. I have felt numb most of my life because of this and have always attached myself to friends and boyfriends who I believe could take care of me. It is not that I did not love these friends and boyfriends or that they were unhappy, but I don't think I was ever fully invested. I have never lived by myself and have honestly never been single for more than a month or two.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 1. We have been arguing (the most horrible fights I have ever been in) for the past 2 years. We almost called off the wedding 2 weeks before the wedding date because of our fights, but we decided to go through with it because (in my mind) we thought everything would get better. Slowly, we have become more of best friends than a romantic couple. Our sex life is not great. Lately (in the past 3 months) I have been paying more attention to the guys that hit on me when I go out and find myself in the mindset that I want to be single again.
> ...


The fights won't get better. The grass may not be greener but you have no kids so just live your life and go.


----------

