# Going out alone after fight



## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

Hello everyone I need some advice. I have been married for 2 years now. I moved to a new city after I got married for my husband as he has a good paying job. I have been looking for opportunities for a year now after my contract ended in my last job and I haven't been able to find anything. As I don't have any family here and few and far in between friends it us very difficult to not make my husband the center if my life. He grew up here and has many high school friends who live close by and his parents, grandparents. Anyways I need some advice on this situation: 
- When my husband and I fight on thurs and there is some mean words being thrown, I get hurt, eventually he wants to make up but I don't and we go to sleep... Next day (fri)all day I am looking for jobs at a cafe(that's what I do everyday) he goes to work. I make an effort to talk to him when he comes home and he talks back and things are civil with some tension still. But then he says he is going out with a friend for the night (730-12am) for a few beers at a local bar. He doesn't come home drunk. He tells me before he goes but it is also my Friday and he knows I feel lonely and depressed to be home alone. I am alone all day and have no friends who I can text impromptu for happy hour etc. my few friends here live in the city as we are in suburbs (20 mins in car) and they are not so close that I can just text immediate for drinks. I have told him repeatedly to not do this last min make plans and leave me alone. If he wants to hang out once in a while with friends then make plans a day before so I know and am prepared. He doesn't do this after every fight but once in a while he will. I feel so lonely and he knows this yet he is so selfish and uncaring that he does it anyway. It's not like he needs to get space cause we both were angry at each other and he was the one who wanted to make up and move on. It's not like I did st wrong and he got angry and wanted to leave the house to get space. There is a way to hang out with his friends and knowing my situation I feel he is very selfish and uncaring towards my predicament. I feel very sad when he leaves. I think there is st wrong with me. Am I too clingy? Am I overly being selfish? I let him hang out w friends alone once in a whole or take boy trips but all I ask is he not do it last min like this just cause we are not lovey dovey and had a fight the night before.
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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Do you ever go out as a couple to hang out with couple friends? 

You said you moved there when you got married, so that's 2 years? What have you done to make your own friends near you? Have you tried meet-up . com? There you can meet friends with similar interests.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> Do you ever go out as a couple to hang out with couple friends?
> 
> You said you moved there when you got married, so that's 2 years? What have you done to make your own friends near you? Have you tried meet-up . com? There you can meet friends with similar interests.


We do go out sometimes with other couples but most of his friends are singles. I have tried meet up and made some friends but no one I can text and say let's oh for drinks at 730 and they will say ok like his high school buddies. Mainly cause they don't all live nearby and are not so close to me that they will drop plans to hang out with me. I am having problems building social life here. It's difficult when you don't have high school college network or prof network to build from. I'm actually from another country all together.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together that you both enjoy?

I agree with you that he should not be making plans like this without letting you know in advance. He's married. He needs to be giving time with you his highest priority.

I also think that you need to start getting active and meet people. check out Find your people - Meetup Find things that you like that you can do during the day to meet people. Then also find things that you and he can do when he's not at work.

If you cannot find a job, start doing volunteer work. What line of work do you do? Maybe you can volunteer doing something using your skills.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together that you both enjoy?
> 
> I agree with you that he should not be making plans like this without letting you know in advance. He's married. He needs to be giving time with you his highest priority.
> 
> ...


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together that you both enjoy?
> 
> I agree with you that he should not be making plans like this without letting you know in advance. He's married. He needs to be giving time with you his highest priority.
> 
> ...


He goes to work and comes home at 630 then goes to the gym and returns at 830ish. Mon to thurs is this routine. Fri night and sat sun we spend together doing diff activities such as fun things, chores, visiting his fam, or hanging out with his friends depending in each week. Most of the time we do things together, occasionally he might have something with friends that I don't want to go to cause most of then are guys. I have tried meet up but I am not that impressed with it...
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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

He goes to work and comes home at 630 then goes to the gym and returns at 830ish. Mon to thurs is this routine. Fri night and sat sun we spend tome together doing diff activities alone or with others such as fun things, chores, visiting his fam, or hanging out alone or with his friends depending in each week. Sometimes we will hang out with a couple( friends I have made )once in a while. Most of the time we do things together, occasionally he might have something with friends that I don't want to go to cause most of then are guys. I have tried meet up but I am not that impressed with it...
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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

It is 1239 am now and he is still not home.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

trini said:


> It is 1239 am now and he is still not home.


Do you know where he went?

I would be tempted to go stay somewhere for a few days. Let him come home to you being gone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

trini said:


> He goes to work and comes home at 630 then goes to the gym and returns at 830ish. Mon to thurs is this routine. Fri night and sat sun we spend tome together doing diff activities alone or with others such as fun things, chores, visiting his fam, or hanging out alone or with his friends depending in each week. Sometimes we will hang out with a couple( friends I have made )once in a while. Most of the time we do things together, occasionally he might have something with friends that I don't want to go to cause most of then are guys. I have tried meet up but I am not that impressed with it...


He's gone from 6:30am to 8:30pm most of the week? So you are basically alone 4 days out of the week. then he blows you off like this?

Do you spend at least 15 hours a week with just him, doing fun tings, talking, etc? Not doing chores, etc? Not with family and/or friends?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

He went to downtown bars 10 mins drive from out place. He comes home then we eat and we watch some tv talk a little weekdays, in daytime weekend we usually run errands visit fam or just hang out doing things like beer tasting and in evenings of weekends we stay in sometimes or we go out depends. I would say we spend most of the weekend together. Last weekend we went to watch a movie with a couple one night then went to eat and then a bar. The next day (sun) he had to work. He does fairs.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe you ought to get some sleep. Staying up all night is not going to make you feel better.

When he does this kind of thing, how do you usually react?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

It's 130 am he's home. I go to meetup myself or stay home and go to bed. If he comes late like this (has only done a few times in our marriage so far) I don't talk to him until he comes to me to make up. He told me he would try to not do this again from last time cause he knew how much it hurt me even if he thinks it is ok to go out impromptu once in a while. He came home and slept on the couch. He also drinks and drives (not intoxicating drunk but tipsy). I have told him not to do this.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you thought about going to counseling? It might help you figure out how to set boundaries.

We teach people who to treat us. He is apparently not overly concerned about doing this because he knows that he can.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think he may be hiding from you. You punish him by shutting down and not speaking, so what's the point of hanging around? 

Thur. you get in a fight and won't let him "make up", so Friday he makes plans so he doesn't have to deal with you. Fri. night he knows that when he comes home you're still going to be mad, so what's the hurry about coming home? 

Why I agree he seems to spend a lot of time away from home you can't expect him to be your entertainment every day. By that I mean YOUR world can not revolve around waiting for him to come home and make you happy, you need to develop your own interest, activities and friendships. Maybe take any job you can find just to get yourself out of the house and around other people, you can still continue looking for a job in your field. Maybe even volunteer some place, that will certainly give you a feeling of worth and get you out and about. Heck I'm more introverted than most people yet I can always find ways to entertain myself, and that's a must to be an emotionally healthy person, and having some friends is important also.

Please stop punishing your husband by shutting down communication, that accomplishes nothing. He knows the area you live in, ask him to help you find activities you enjoy. I'm not sure where you are from but many areas have meet up groups for different ethnicities, maybe being around people of your own culture would help your new town feel more like home.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying I think your husband is perfect and things are your fault. What I'm saying is depending on him to make you happy is hard for both of you, I think if you nurture more independence it will benefit both your personal health and the health of your marriage.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

But If he hurt my feelings I have the right to sleep it off angry one night and not make up immediately no? The next day he and I were already talking normally when he announced he would be going out with his friend. I He came home and puked...His attitude is I'm allowed to hang out with a friend whenever I want once in a while.

I feel like you are right, I need him to respect me but he thinks he can get away with it... How do I get RESPECT? Just by making up whenever he wants and not doing a Cold War and having my own life? Despite these things I feel after a fight he will continue to once in a while go out with his buddies, old habits die hard. He has many friends and most of then love drinking.

I feel so helpless because he has power and crosses boundaries I set yet I can do nothing about it. Yes I do some hobbies here and there some nights I go dance classes and go to meet ups but it's hard to make new friends in a new country and it's even harder to be emotionally independent when you are married and your weekends you spend time together with spouse most of the time.
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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

What do you mean with it's hard "to be emotionally independent"? Do you mind me asking what the fight was about?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You don't "get" respect, you EARN it.

Honestly, it seems you give too many excuses and not enough work on obtaining your own happiness. Plenty of things to do on MeetUp.com, pick a new passion. Volunteer at nursing homes, cop stations, your local elementary school. Make things by hand and sell at farmers markets, flea markets or a booth at home. Join his gym, a bowling league or beach volleyball.

And seriously, don't use the Silent Treatment to get someone to apologize. That's juvenile and really a waste of time. Don't go to bed still fighting. You can agree to disagree and let it go. The comment you made about not letting him "get away with it" is childish and punitive in nature.

You say you're from another country. There are groups out there that you can join. Maybe even become a translator.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> What do you mean with it's hard "to be emotionally independent"? Do you mind me asking what the fight was about?


I mean it is hard to not care how he treats me and be happy with myself without his actions and behavior affecting me. Being self reliant and independent.As he is being inconsiderate towards me by going out with his friend last minute not caring about my situation (i was looking forward to seeing him, hanging out, as it is also my friday and I do not have friends I can instantly call and hang out with)...I felt dissapointed. I have started reading self help material that helps you be emotionally more in control and not reliant on someone else for your happiness but it is a slow difficult process for me. I am taking it step by step.

Sometimes I wonder why I should be with a man who isn't very considerate of my situation here just because he is angry. 

The fight was about him talking to me condescendingly while I was driving. He doesnt have patience and gets frustrated fast as I am a new driver. I couldn't tolerate it anymore and got angry at him. He said I dont help the situation by not answering him or not listening to him. Then on the way back home he drove, i was angry at him and we got into a fight about the car situation and how he is this i am that. When the car was stopped in a traffic light I walked out, then he pulled car over and I got in again. I called him ass.hole he called me a bit.ch, and then eventually a who.re. Thats when I flipped out and started giving him no talking cold shoulders. He said sorry for calling me that last thing but I also aggravate the situation and that we are both at fault. I couldnt cuddle or make up after he called me that word. I don't think it is the same thing as saying jer.k or ass.hole. He has called me this work twice before and I told him if he says it again I would go to my parents abroad and not tolerate it anymore. So thats why I didnt talk to him the whole night when he wanted to make up and said sorry. the next day he goes to work, I go about with finding a job and going to gym. He comes home, he is watching tv when I come home. i had called him in the day but he didnt answer. when i see him in the house i talk to him normally and he talks back normally. then half hour later he informs me he is going out with his friend cause i wasnt home so he made plans. he knows i was at the gym he saw my bag missing which i always take to the gym and he didnt reply my call. he knows form past instances that i dont like last min plans cause it leaves me stranded.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

Revamped said:


> You don't "get" respect, you EARN it.
> 
> Honestly, it seems you give too many excuses and not enough work on obtaining your own happiness. Plenty of things to do on MeetUp.com, pick a new passion. Volunteer at nursing homes, cop stations, your local elementary school. Make things by hand and sell at farmers markets, flea markets or a booth at home. Join his gym, a bowling league or beach volleyball.
> 
> ...



I will devote more time to doing activities for myself without him being the center of my life from now on. I realize this is my fault because I do not put the effort into myself. He was my first love and he is the only person here who is close to me so without a close support system it is very easy to be emotionally reliant on him for my happiness...and I know this is wrong. 

However, when he is inconsiderate and careless of my feelings it hurts that much more so how do I just make up and move on knowing he will do this again and again to me in the future. He might do it sporadically but he does not budge on the fact that he has the right to pick up and leave me whenever he wants once in a while. He refuses to acknowledge that some advance notice would help my situation. 

Another point - although this has happened maybe 3-4 times now in our two year marriage, this is not the first time he has come home really DRUNK really late. He said sorry for being drunk but what does that do if he will do it again in the future. He disrespects me and doesn't care enough to fear that I might be super pissed. If I move on, how will he see the importance of not doing this again in the future. That I am not going to tolerate it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Holding a grudge in order to punish your spouse is childish. Sometimes we all need a little time to get over things, but my feeling is that you like to punish your husband. You like to give him 'time-out'. Well, how's that working out for you? What could have been a one night fight has turned into a 'ruin the entire weekend' fight.

1) Learn to control your tongue during a fight. Tell someone how they are making you feel, tell them how their actions offended you, but leave out the childish stuff like name calling.

2) If you control yourself during a fight but he doesn't, pull him up there and then if he calls you a nasty name. Don't cry/yell/plead etc, just tell him straight out that calling you names is not acceptable. Leave the argument physically if he can't get control himself enough to stop, but tell him you are leaving for an hour to give him time to get some perspective and you'll be back and that you expect to be able to have a rational discussion about it later.

You've made a great step by reaching out to people to get some outside perspective. It's all too easy to get wrapped up in your own problems and everything can feel so much worse than it really is.

At the end of the day your husband is just human. He has poor communication skills when in an argument, he feels rejected by you after an argument and seeks solace with the company of friends, he cares less about your reaction to him ditching you last minute because he has all these other bad feelings associated with you at that point. While his reaction isn't good, it isn't coming out a vacuum. Your poor behaviour is part of the reason for his poor behaviour.

Change your behaviour and see how that helps the situation.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> Holding a grudge in order to punish your spouse is childish. Sometimes we all need a little time to get over things, but my feeling is that you like to punish your husband. You like to give him 'time-out'. Well, how's that working out for you? What could have been a one night fight has turned into a 'ruin the entire weekend' fight.
> 
> 1) Learn to control your tongue during a fight. Tell someone how they are making you feel, tell them how their actions offended you, but leave out the childish stuff like name calling.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it. I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself....

Also I wanted to add him and I fight almost everyday. We are very incompatible. He doesn't ever cook, I have to do all the cooking if I want to eat. If I don't he just doesnt eat! He never complains or anything but he is very fixed in his life here. He goes to gym that is his life. It leaves me feeling very frustrated as I sometimes want him to plan and cook dinner with me like any normal person. Anyway, he says he will get better at all this in the future once he limits gym time in a couple of months. 

He is also a dominating type personality who almost always thinks he is right and is very good at arguing (he is a lawyer). He often patronizing me in the way he talks to me, sometimes knowingly and other times unknowingly.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Never go to sleep angry with your spouse. This is so damaging - there should be nothing that's deserves pulling your love away. Disagreements are going to happen - feelings are going to get hurt. But, it all comes down to confronting your husband not in an angry way but in a loving way. If you have to step away to cool down that's fine - but, make sure you do it prior to going to bed and make up.

Been married 26 years this July and I can tell you we have never gone to bed without kissing each other good night, and saying that we love each another - even in the toughest of times.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well first thing, consider us all your new friends here. If you ever need to vent, just come on here. Some of us are up at odd hours too.

Sounds like he is a bit of a jerk. Friday nights or weekends....I would be thinking of what me and the wife can do together.

How is your education? Sounds like you live in a big city. There are probably universities there that you could get a degree at, or an advanced degree if you already have a BA/BS. THAT would 1) give you something enthralling to do with your free time, 2) if the degree field is properly chosen, greatly help with you getting a good job, and 3) give you a bunch of new friends to meet and study with.

If education is not your cup of tea, there are religious groups you could spend time with..and meet new couples friends that way. Maybe some volunteerism, like habitat for humanity, help older people, volunteer in a hospital. It would improve your outlook on life, and once again help in the job search--when asked what you are doing by a prospective employee and you can say "I volunteer 20 hours a week at X hospice to give back to the community until I get a job" you will see the interviewer's eyes light up.

Good luck


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> Sounds like he is a bit of a jerk. Friday nights or weekends....I would be thinking of what me and the wife can do together.


Would you be thinking about making plans with your wife even after you and her get into a fight? Do you ever go out alone with your friends if you are angry at her and dont want to be with her? Or even if you go out with friends when both spouses are happy, how long before do you tell her about your plans?

*This is actually a question for everyone out there... I would really appreciate some feedback on what you personally have done with your spouse. Thanks. *


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

trini said:


> But If he hurt my feelings I have the right to sleep it off angry one night and not make up immediately no? The next day he and I were already talking normally when he announced he would be going out with his friend. I He came home and puked...His attitude is I'm allowed to hang out with a friend whenever I want once in a while.
> 
> I feel like you are right, I need him to respect me but he thinks he can get away with it... How do I get RESPECT? Just by making up whenever he wants and not doing a Cold War and having my own life? *Despite these things I feel after a fight he will continue to once in a while go out with his buddies, old habits die hard.* He has many friends and most of then love drinking.
> 
> I feel so helpless because he has power and crosses boundaries I set yet I can do nothing about it. Yes I do some hobbies here and there some nights I go dance classes and go to meet ups but it's hard to make new friends in a new country and it's even harder to be emotionally independent when you are married and your weekends you spend time together with spouse most of the time.


Is this a pattern? You two have a fight. Then you don't want to make up. So then goes out with his male friends and gets drunk? How many times has this pattern happened?

Are you living in the USA now?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

trini said:


> Would you be thinking about making plans with your wife even after you and her get into a fight? Do you ever go out alone with your friends if you are angry at her and dont want to be with her? Or even if you go out with friends when both spouses are happy, how long before do you tell her about your plans?
> 
> *This is actually a question for everyone out there... I would really appreciate some feedback on what you personally have done with your spouse. Thanks. *


after a fight I am typically pissed for a while. But the next day, I am usually thinking "wow, why did we fight over THAT. It was not that important to me"...so I am looking for a way to make the bad feelings go away. i.e. doing some nice stuff for her and seeing if she is still pissed at me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> well first thing, consider us all your new friends here. If you ever need to vent, just come on here. Some of us are up at odd hours too.
> 
> Sounds like he is a bit of a jerk. Friday nights or weekends....I would be thinking of what me and the wife can do together.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Trini, Could you please respond to the ideas in the above quoted post. If you got involved in things like this I think it would really help you. A person who is just coasting in life is not a person who is easy to be married to. Trust me.. I know this first hand as I had a husband who did this. It's not easy being married to a person who is not really doing anything with their life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

trini said:


> Would you be thinking about making plans with your wife even after you and her get into a fight? Do you ever go out alone with your friends if you are angry at her and dont want to be with her? Or even if you go out with friends when both spouses are happy, how long before do you tell her about your plans?
> 
> *This is actually a question for everyone out there... I would really appreciate some feedback on what you personally have done with your spouse. Thanks. *


Of course it would have been better if he had not done what he did. 

You say that the two of you argue/fight almost every day. I would not want to be around a person who if we ended up arguing/fighting all the time.

It seems pretty clear as you tell us more that he just wanted to get away from you and all the fighting. It's very reasonable for a person to try to escape from an environment that is to loaded with bad feelings.

I think that your focus here is misplaced. Instead of trying to figure out if he's wrong, I think you need to start looking at the problems in your marriage and how to fix these problems.

The first thing I would suggest is to stop having arguments/fights that end up with like this one did.

If he picks on you when you drive, just don't ever drive with him in the car. My ex used to do that. He wanted me to drive a lot. But when I drove he would second guess everything I did. I'd say that I was going the wrong way, I was breaking wrong. And on and on. It drove me nuts. So finally I told him that I cannot drive with him in the car because of his constant commentary on my driving. 

As someone else suggested above, just stop arguing/fighting. When things start to get angry just tell him that you don't want to continue the discussion because it always escalates to the who of you getting angry and you both saying ugly things to each other. And then get away from him for a while so that the two of you can calm yourselves down.

I agree with the statement to never go to bed angry with each other. At the end of each day remember that you love him and make up. Life is way to short to bring this kind of nonsense into it.

Besides calling each other names.. what are the things that he says to you? What are the things about you that he complains about?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Of course it would have been better if he had not done what he did.
> 
> You say that the two of you argue/fight almost every day. I would not want to be around a person who if we ended up arguing/fighting all the time.
> 
> ...


How should I talk to him tonight about his coming home so late so drunk and drinking and letting his drunk friend drive him home. I want to move on but I do not want a husband who does this more than once (a couple of times now since beg of our marriage). I feel like even if there is tension or arguments these are not excuses to disrespect one another by behaving like this. If he wants space he can let me know he wants it and tell me and not go drinking. He can unwind by taking a walk. But for him his excuse is that he wants to unwind with alcohol and buddy. Sometimes if I am nice he will come home in time otherwise he will just not give a crap and come home drunk late. It's not even like we are both too angry to see each other's face, I was talking normally to him at that point.
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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

You do realize that you disrespected him too? I think you both would benefit from marriage counseling. You're focusing on how his actions make you feel. What about how your actions make him feel? 

In your previous post, I saw that you were complaining about him not cooking. You should pick your battle. You can cook, and he can do the dishes. Not everyone likes to cook. If I don't like something and someone tells me that I should like it because everyone does, I wouldn't be happy. Not every normal person cooks or likes to cook. 

You're both wrong and need to find ways to talk to each other. He was out of line to call you a *****/*****, but you were out of line to call him a *******/jerk.

I feel like you're looking for ways to show that he is wrong


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often does he go out drinking like this and come home drunk?

How often does he do things with his friends do not follow a blow up between the two of you?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sometimes you just have to let the little stuff go in order to have a peaceful life. If DH does something that really ticks me off, I tell him, 'you said/did this and it really ticked me off, please don't do it again'. Eventually you both realise that's it not about being right or wrong, it's about avoiding saying/doing the things that really tick your partner off. 

I don't bother arguing over the housework anymore. I got a housecleaner. I don't bother asking him twice to fix the car, I take it to a mechanic. I will give him an opportunity to do what has to be done in a reasonable time frame, then I warn him I'll deal with it if he doesn't, then I do it.

As for your question: DH doesn't generally go out without me. He did just this Friday night gone but invited me along. He told me about his plans sometime that day, and really only had it organised that he was definitely going around late Friday afternoon. I wasn't keen to go as his friend wasn't really my friend, I figured that he could use a night out without me around anyway.

If he did that regularly, it'd irritate me, even if it was only every fortnight. He has two nights a week where he goes to training, and if it was more than that, it would irritate me.

It took a long time for us to find and respect each other's limits. 10 years in fact. There were periods where we were pretty rocky. It can sometimes take a lot of 'rough patches' to get to smooth sailing.

One thing you have is too much time to yourself. When you have little of it you love it so much that a weekend alone will make you dance in excitement. When you have too much of it, it feels like time alone is like standing in an abyss of loneliness. 

You are struggling finding work so study instead. Do a course, go to lectures, find a way to utilise all that time. Find a way to be busy.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

trini said:


> How should I talk to him tonight about his coming home so late so drunk and drinking and letting his drunk friend drive him home. I want to move on but I do not want a husband who does this more than once (a couple of times now since beg of our marriage). I feel like even if there is tension or arguments these are not excuses to disrespect one another by behaving like this. If he wants space he can let me know he wants it and tell me and not go drinking. He can unwind by taking a walk. But for him his excuse is that he wants to unwind with alcohol and buddy. Sometimes if I am nice he will come home in time otherwise he will just not give a crap and come home drunk late. It's not even like we are both too angry to see each other's face, I was talking normally to him at that point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



First of all, never decide to have a serious conversation when somebody is drunk. Just put it off til the morning when clearer heads can prevail.

Secondly, what I'm seeing is you telling him how and when his behavior will be. Telling him his options on how to respond to you isn't working. He'll choose EXACTLY where, what, and when in his own life. It IS his prerogative. The more you're pushing, the more he's walking away.

Want to fix that? Quit being so controlling. You push each other's hot buttons every single chance you guys have. He leaves because you've pushed him too far, he goes out and blows off steam, he comes back and he STILL is in the same position as when he left.

A round, vicious cycle.

Have you ever just said, "Hon, I'm sorry." And actually BE sorry for your own actions and language? And strive to make sure it doesn't happen again? And again. And again. And again.

Look, you can't change who he is. What you can do is change how YOU react to things. If it's a deal breaker in your marriage that he drinks then stick to that and move out the next time. And don't come back. Enough is enough, right? This is the hill your marriage will die on.

Or is it...


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Is this a pattern? You two have a fight. Then you don't want to make up. So then goes out with his male friends and gets drunk? How many times has this pattern happened?
> 
> Are you living in the USA now?



Yes it is a pattern but it doesnt have to be me not making up in time. it also has to do with his habit (he is used to going out with friends all thetime drinking etc when i wasnt married to him) but now 90 percent he is with me all the time so when he wants to get away from me he does this. he doesnt consider that i have no close friends here so he cannot get back at me when he is angry and last min make plans (and sometimes stay out late, get very drunk). He says he has the right to make plans whenever he wants.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> As for your question: DH doesn't generally go out without me. He did just this Friday night gone but invited me along. He told me about his plans sometime that day, and really only had it organised that he was definitely going around late Friday afternoon. I wasn't keen to go as his friend wasn't really my friend, I figured that he could use a night out without me around anyway.


_*This is also the problem I face. I dont enjoy time with his friends either as they are all mostly guys but I want to go out with him in weekends. I dont have close friends so its difficult to let him go and me stay home cause I get lonely and I never have anyone to go with when he makes plans spontaneously. When I go, I have to look up meetup activities and plan in advance. And when we are happy Husband and I, I prepare spending time with him so it is hard to force myself to go to meetups in those weekends...*_

[/QUOTE]If he did that regularly, it'd irritate me, even if it was only every fortnight. He has two nights a week where he goes to training, and if it was more than that, it would irritate me.[/QUOTE]

_*How would you deal with your husband coming home everyday at 830-9pm. he comes home at 630 and needs to go to the gym with other boys cause he needs a spotter. he has 3 other guys in his group!! anyway how would you ask him to limit cause his excuse is it is only 3 times in a week (mon-weds). He goes to indoor sports (thurs) and fri goes to gym sometimes or doesnt go sometimes. Right now he is in gym mode and even goes in the weekends, says he will limit after Aug.
*_
[/QUOTE]One thing you have is too much time to yourself. When you have little of it you love it so much that a weekend alone will make you dance in excitement. When you have too much of it, it feels like time alone is like standing in an abyss of loneliness. [/QUOTE]
*
Thats how I feel and crave his attention/love when he comes home or in weekends.*


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