# Wife discussing marriage/us with others...feeling betrayed



## logic-lost

So...I am feeling TREMENDOUSLY betrayed...and in many ways stunned.

My BPDw...has always been HIGHLY enmeshed to this day to her Mother.
It seems to be a VERY toxic BPD mother to BPD daughter scenario.
As the years go on...that enmeshment has actually flared upward when her BPD has.

I have long known/suspected that she is perhaps talking way too far out of turn about our marriage and me to her.

So - recently - I came home early form work, and could hear her talking on phone upstairs.
The tone and tenor was highly animated. She was talking to her Mom.
About OUR marriage. About her issues with me.
What made me the most nauseous...was it was as though she was discussing all of it so impersonal...detached... like I was a thing...as though I was the hated "neighbor"..or "co-worker"....
BUT I am her HUSBAND. I was almost ILL.
AND these things/issues ...are NOWHERE CLOSE...to anything severe. Nothing terrible.

AND here is the thing...the stunning thing.... she was completely changing the stories.
Flat out runnning through these issues...and retelling them to make me the bad guy.

She would say..."yea..i stopped going to do XYZ...because he wanted me to"....
AND I NEVEFR EVEN KNEW she was doing XYZ!

She would say 'I decided to quit XYZ because I wanted her to..."
I supported her and said she should KEEP DOING XYZ!

And ...on...and ...on....

So...I am feeling VERY betrayed.

Again -these are NOT earth shattering or abusive,substance, off the wall issues.

WHAT do I come away thinking?
HOW can a spouse do this? WHY WOULD she be OK to do this?
WHAT does this say about OUR bond?
HOW do I get over this?

PLEASE weigh in....very very shattered by this. (am I overreacting?)

Dear Ladies...what does her ability to do this mean or say?


----------



## Red Sonja

I don’t think you are over-reacting, your wife’s behavior shows her lack of respect and even contempt toward you … both are “marriage killers”. And I do not think BPD excuses this behavior. Is she being treated for BPD?

My STBX husband used to do this quite often, bad-mouthing me to his mother and a female friend of his. What bothered me the most about his conversations is that he never once discussed his issues concerning me or our marriage WITH ME. If he would have discussed his issues with me I would have had a chance to address them.

I am sorry your wife is doing this. I would confront her behavior and tell her how it makes you feel and ask her to stop. If she persists then you must decide whether or not you can live with her behavior. In my case this situation was never resolved because I couldn’t persuade my husband to at least talk to me about his issues (with me or the marriage) first, before talking to anyone else. Hopefully you will have a better outcome.

Good luck.


----------



## ConanHub

Divorce her ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## whatslovegottodowithit?

"WHAT do I come away thinking?
HOW can a spouse do this? WHY WOULD she be OK to do this?
WHAT does this say about OUR bond?
HOW do I get over this?"

You come away thinking that you knew about this behavior and still married her.

Your spouse can and does do this and you were well aware of this behavior. Why is she ok with this? Have you asked her directly this question? Something about her mother wanting her child to be her friend which is unhealthy, but it is what it is with her. The MIL is more than willing to let her child ruin her M as long as she (daughter) still stays her friend. It is both sickening and unhealthy!

It says your bond is not as strong as you would like it to be. She does not have similar marital appreciation for you or YOUR M as you do for her and YOUR M.

You either accept it as is and deal with it as long as your M lasts, or you never get over this and it will tear you apart from the inside.


----------



## MarriedDude

"Again -these are NOT earth shattering or abusive,substance, off the wall issues."

well, you were listening to a private conversation between a woman and her mother....you didn't like what you heard, sooooo you feel betrayed??? 

Does she speak this way directly to you? Do you think maybe her mom might easily grasp when she is full of it and just listen?? I know clearly when my boys and my batsh*t sister are ranting and full of it. 

Take it with a LARGE grain of salt. It wasn't meant for your ears and wasn't earth shattering. Would you want her to hear every shred of info you talk to your family about?


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

You say she's a BPD. If you know that you should know that that's what many (untreated) BPDs do. NOTHING is ever their fault (unless they're creating a good impression to outsiders). They have no grey areas, just extreems. They want their needs and desires met instantly. If you're not 100% behind her every need, you are a 'thing', a thing that stands in her way. She'll love you and she'll hate you,, never just kinda like you or find you mildly irritating.

You overheard a BPD doing her BPD thing.

She needs therapy and medication. Good luck trying to persuade her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## logic-lost

Dear Flying D (love the name)

I want to thank you for that.



> NOTHING is ever their fault (unless they're creating a good impression to outsiders). They have no grey areas, just extreems. They want their needs and desires met instantly. If you're not 100% behind her every need, you are a 'thing', a thing that stands in her way. She'll love you and she'll hate you,, never just kinda like you or find you mildly irritating.
> 
> You overheard a BPD doing her BPD thing.
> 
> She needs therapy and medication. Good luck trying to persuade her.


So - question. IF the Marriage Counselor either does not see or know what BPD is. Or simply (as we hear so often ) does not want to "open that can of worms"...
Will I LOSE my chance to have her actually SEE that she needs help...that these things going on in her have NOTHING to even DO with me??

I worry.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

I would hope an MGC would've heard of it. While N/BPDs are only about 5% of the population, happy couples and a lot of miserable ones don't go to any kind of therapy. Lots of BPDs go (kicking and screaming),, dragged there by long-suffering spouses.

Thing is, they're hard to spot cuz they're on their best behaviour when they're out. If they perceive any criticism from the MGC, they might kick off but, more likely, the partner that took them will get raged at in the car,, and the BPD will refuse to go back cuz the MGC is "on your side" or just plain incompetent.

Better to give a MGC a heads up that a BPD is heading their way so they can tread very carefully.

Really though, you can't improve your relationship until she acknowledges her condition and gets treatment. At some point, the MGC will have to put this to her and you'll be back to square one. She really needs a doc' for diagnosis and medication,, then ongoing therapy with someone schooled in personality disorders.

Unfortunately, cuz they think there's nothing wrong with them (it's everyone else) getting a BPD to go to a doc', therapist AND agree with the diagnosis AND adhere to a treatment program will likely be the biggest hurdle you'll ever have to leap. 

On treatment, it's 50:50 whether she'll be almost 'normal' or difficult.

I don't envy you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

Correct me if I am wrong, firstly many women tell their "Girl Friends" ..."Everything!" could that be what is going on here in part.

Many men do not like this.

I don't know anything about BPD so I am out there, but do they like drama?

Sooo... is she manufacturing drama?

Just throwing out some ideas, the exaggeration is concerning though.

I am sorry, I hope you can work it out.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

It's oft stated that they like drama but that's a little misleading.

They like getting their needs met instantly and bulldoze anything in their way. Make stuff up to manipulate people into their way of thinking. Drama is the result,, it follows them everywhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

logic-lost,

Was your wife diagnosed BPD by a doctor? Is she on meds?

Was your MIL diagnosed BPD?


----------



## logic-lost

Hi Elegirl.

SHe has not been officially diagnosed...as she it reticent to believe that anything is "wrong" with her - and resists looking at herself.
As a matter of fact can almost justify anything she does - even if they are the SAME things that she find wrong in others.

That said...every 2 MC or therapists we have been in front of - when she refused to go back - have confided in me that while they are not making an "official" diagnosis...and then they describe to a 'T" - what BPD is described as. Including the penchant for her to be emotionally like a little girl.

The MIL - while to officially diagnosed...is RADICALLY disturbed. I have even read the book Borderline Mother - and it was firghtening hwo much she fit the bill.

So - in essence - my wife is commiserating/confiding in her - and I am sure ONLY further harming this marriage.


----------



## Zouz

MarriedDude said:


> "Again -these are NOT earth shattering or abusive,substance, off the wall issues."
> 
> Take it with a LARGE grain of salt. It wasn't meant for your ears and wasn't earth shattering. Would you want her to hear every shred of info you talk to your family about?


 So dude , Now he is to be blamed only because he heard the dicussion !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Logic :

My wife one time , in disagreement with me about something posted on her IM avatar a proverb that is attacking me ;I told her to remove it please because all our friends and family sees it ; unless she wants me to explain to all about it ;she did remove it ; then sometime after it I had to borrow her phone to make an urgent call ; and puff a text message came from her friend :
"Proud of you you gave him a lesson by embarrasing him !"

all this because I said politely :

we need to be carefull with our spending this month , we have a lot of payments .( we are financially great , this happened because shopping is an adiction),


I feel the urge to put a big sign on my head , I am in a sexless marriage !

How long have you married , what is he social culturel background ?

For example 90% of arabs female are BPD due to social factors .


----------



## MarriedDude

Zouz said:


> So dude , Now he is to be blamed only because he heard the dicussion !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> 
> Logic :
> 
> My wife one time , in disagreement with me about something posted on her IM avatar a proverb that is attacking me ;I told her to remove it please because all our friends and family sees it ; unless she wants me to explain to all about it ;she did remove it ; then sometime after it I had to borrow her phone to make an urgent call ; and puff a text message came from her friend :
> "Proud of you you gave him a lesson by embarrassing him !"
> 
> all this because I said politely :
> 
> we need to be carefull with our spending this month , we have a lot of payments .( we are financially great , this happened because shopping is an adiction),
> 
> 
> I feel the urge to put a big sign on my head , I am in a sexless marriage !
> 
> How long have you married , what is he social culturel background ?
> 
> For example 90% of arabs female are BPD due to social factors .


He's not being BLAMED for anything...Just to encyclopedia Brown this thing....a tad:

He came home and listened to half of a phone conversation from another room. What he heard, what believes he heard, is dictated largely by what he expects to hear....(same for all of us). He got to hear 1 (one) side of a conversation, has no idea what his MIL said -but assumes that it was bad/damaging to his marriage/etc...all conjecture/supposition/guessing. No facts. 

ALSO...90% of arab females have BPD??? I'm dubious. 

But I can see 90% of them being pissed off from time to time....like any other female on earth....if they are simply assumed to be BPD because they are female...

But I digress..


----------



## Zouz

Dude ,

exactly , my society is harsh on female , and as a consequence we men pay this price .

though Lebanon is a very open minded environment , 
an arab country ; majority of our girls were raised with a lot of strict rules which led them to have a complicated life and have borderline personality disorder ; especially the one that are in a mixed open environment ; they get lost between tradition , society and religion ; and because Society unfortunately is a masculin one they will feel under attack all the time ; You know that As a man I can marry 4 !

So some men when they are stuck in a sexless marriage ; they won't bother , they just marry another wife ; very easy .

I have a female friend who is close to our family ; when had few problems in her marriage ;her hub married an 18 years girl and obliged his wife to watch him doing sex to her so that she learns !


When a female is raised that love is a sin , sex is bad during her early ages ; once she get in universities they see other open minded girls living normally ; but still they get confused ; the biggest prob is that they go to their husbands with same spirit ; sex is a sin .

I believe it is the same with strict baptists...




My wife keep ingesting in my girls mind ( her whole family too) that love is a sin ; I managed through years , to teach them the difference :
-Love , emotions and passion are the most beautiful sentiments on earth ; yet sex is only blessed by GOD when they are between spouses .

I remember one day my 13 years old girl , came to me after school crying :" my friend is traveling , and I feel bad because he tried to give me a hug , I refused because eI am Afraid of what my mom said : "i will be cursed by God "....

I stoped the car , took her hand , ran like crazy into the school and told her :

Baby go and give him a big big hug ; and kiss him on his cheek because God will bless you when he knows that he is traveling....
but of course there was fireworks with mom at home !


My wife is BPD , and she is a hard case ;despite that she is not religiously commited studied in American system schools yet when she got married she carried all of it with her .

she critisizes as a precaution to not be critisized ; she refused to go back to do MC because she was diagonized ; she is like a charm for days then suddenly she changes and starts shouting at everybody ;for her only the ppl she knows are ideal ;and intense sadness or anger at perceived minor criticism.

I might have exagerated by saying 90% , but in fact a lot of females are BPD , especially to their husbands ;ironically you will see it more happening with intellectual husbands here because if she tried to be impolite with a conservative religious guy she will regret it because he will rase her again his own way with a lot of discipline ; she won't be able to step out of the house without kissing his hands .

Having majority of men in Beirut educated ; leads to higher number of BPDs because the other one are smashed ;they can't speak even without permission , so how would you know if they are BPD !


----------



## HHB

Married to and lived with a Borderline Disorder Syndrome woman who made my life a living hell. 

Nothing was ever her fault...the classic was when she pulled in and parked her car across the street from the driveway...traded cars--took mine--and backed into her car which she had just parked across from the drive way. It was MY fault because I had adjusted the seat in my car for my driving position and she had to readjust it, which she did backing out of the driveway and into her own car. 

She was also a blabber mouth and gossiped about everything including personal marital stuff with a friend who was dis-affectionally known as "The Mouth of the South." 

Finally and belatedly divorced her a$$. Now she's somebody elses problem--but he's a used car salesman, so maybe a good fit for the Psycho Nazi B!tch from H3ll.


----------

