# Told me tonight he wants a divorce



## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Earlier this evening, my H was trying to cut a super cheesy pizza and it wasn't cutting right. He threw the cutter down, said "It's ruined now" and stormed out. I didn't say anything, just continued making our daughter's birthday cake. A while later, I left the kitchen for a moment and on my way back in, heard a glass shatter and my husband hurled a slice of the pizza across the room screaming at the dogs to just eat it. Turns out, he had bumped the wall and knocked a mug down. Not a special mug, just a hunk of glass. What the dogs and the pizza had to do with it, I'll never know. He started getting super irate and I pointed down the hall and said "Go to bed. I'll clean it up." He just looked at me and asked if I had just told him to go to bed. I said "Yes. I told you, when you're drinking all day, you get mean and angry." He responded with "F*** you!" and went to the room. 

I let him cool down for awhile before going in to tell him that he had scared our daughter, again, and that that was not a normal reaction to a broken glass. He told me not to talk to him so I left. When I went back an hour later, he had locked the door and gone to sleep. This was around 7:30 or so. He had to be up at 10 to get ready for work, so I went to my parents' house and returned at 10 to make sure he was getting up. If he sleeps in, it's always my fault for not waking him despite him having an alarm set.

Anyway, we didn't say much but when he was ready, he started to leave without giving me a kiss or saying goodbye. When I asked, he gave a crappy kiss and walked out. I asked him what he was angry about now. He said "nothing." Unfortunately, I can't keep my damn mouth shut and yelled after him "This has to stop. You're an alcoholic." He responded with "You're a b1*ch!" I didn't say anything more but he came back in, threw his cell phone in my general direction and said "I want a divorce. I'm tired of being called an alcoholic." So I came back with "Maybe you should stop drinking." But he said "No. I want a divorce."

This all happened right in front of our 13 year old and 5 year old. I'm crushed. My first marriage ended because my X was more interested in his drugs than he was me and our children. Now I'm losing another one to an addiction. I keep asking myself why we aren't good enough to love more than his beer. I used to be an addict and when it came down to losing my kids, I got clean immediately. It was a matter of "These people are my life, I will not lose them" and I was done, so why doesn't he say that about us? Why is the stupid drinking so much more important than his wife and kids?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm sorry this is happening to you but I assume you got married while you were an addict yourself? I assume you were also an addict when you were in your first marriage, along with your husband? Your choices reflect who you were at those points in your life. Is it possible you chose addicts because you yourself were one? If you've managed to change now, that's great and you should be very happy about that, but you chose this person as he was, not as you were hoping he would be. He no longer fits with you because of your change, not his change, and I think if he doesn't want to make the change so that you remain compatible, that's something you will have to come to terms with.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Actually no. I was clean for over 2 years before I met my H and he didn't seem to have a problem then, or even for the next 6 years. He's always had a few beers on his weekends, but only in the past few months has it become more and thus a problem. We've certainly had our problems in the past, but it's only been about the past 6 months where his alcohol consumption has been out of control. So I'd have to disagree and say it is definitely HIS change.

As for my choice in addicts, I didn't know my xh was one until we had been together for quite some time and I wasn't at the time. It wasn't until we'd been together for about 2 years before I started using with him and another 2 before I got clean and he didn't, so I left. It was an easy decision. And again, my husband didn't exhibit signs of alcohol addiction until very recently and we've been together almost 7 years.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sorry your life has got to this point, sucks for you and the kids. As a former user you realize how important it should be to raise your kids in a clean environment, you can't tolerate any kind of excessive behavior by your husband, or frankly anyone in your life. Desensitizing drinking or drug use by exposure or tolerating such behavior will just make it that much easier for the kids to want to indulge when they get older. 

You know you can't talk to a drunk, find a time when your husband is sober and the kids are out of the house and figure out what to do going foreword. You're a grown women and I'm sure smart enough to realize what the options are, personally I see the worst option as doing nothing.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Wow, this thread was different than I expected from the title. You might want to post it in the "relationships and addiction" forum.

I wish I had some words of encouragement. My mother is an alcoholic, and would't stop drinking no matter what. As a child I never remember a time she didn't have a glass of wine or scotch within arm's reach. She could lose her family, her health, her driver's license, and would always blame any consequences on something other than alcohol. 

She was in such denial about it that it was exasperating. Even as a very young child I could see she had a drinking problem, but she would just dismiss me and say: "you're just a child, you don't know about it". But then, 30 years later as an adult, she would still dismiss me (or anyone else) who tried to talk to her about it. 

She eventually did stop drinking though. You know how? *Only when she was physically forced to quit*. Her health was so bad that she had to go to the hospital, then a nursing home, where no alcohol was available. She almost died from withdrawal. If she ever gets out, she will probably start up again. 

Your husband said he wants a divorce. I don't think he necessarily wants one. I think the first thing on his mind is that he wants to prevent you from mentioning his drinking, and the divorce threat is just another way to get you to shut up about it. 

If he can hold his job, then you can live with a managable drunk for many years, sometimes they are pleasant people. You can get used to it, and just avoid them during their bad moments. But do you really want to live that way the rest of your life? It lowers your overall quality of life, you can't have guests over very often, and it's a horrible example for your children.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Do you go to Al-Anon? If not, please do: you're enabling him. Do you attend IC to work on your need to control and confront when circumstances warrant the opposite? This isn't all about his drinking, it takes two to have conflict even if he's the only one using/drinking.

Leaving the house with the kids would be a good start. If not for an extended time until he sobers up for 6+ months, then every single time he drinks. Violence is a game-changer.

By returning to wake him, you're enabling him not to feel the consequences of his drinking. Let him fall down and be late for work.

Give him what he wants and file for separation. Stop the pattern. His personality traits were likely there when you two got together.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

If your husband has no interest in working on sobriety, divorce would be a good option. 

You may want to seek IC to break your pattern of choosing addicts.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sorry to hear about the problems you're having. As has been said, there's no reasoning with a drunk. Nor can you reason with an addict. He needs to dry out. The question is, will he? 

Actually, the real problem is that you ordered the wrong kind of pizza. How could you?!


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

The pizza line made me laugh. 

I'm crazy confused because he didn't say anything at all when he got home from work this morning, just went to bed. We were hosting a huge party for 2 of our kids today and I went about getting everything prepared and running around until just before the party was to begin. I woke him up to ask if he planned on attending, at which point he got up and got ready. Still nothing said beyond necessities regarding the party preparation.

During the party, very little was said between us and what was, was all about the party, picture taking, etc. But I was also running around like crazy trying to take the time to talk to 60+ people, handle greetings, organizing events... Anytime I stopped for even a minute, I would start to fall apart again so I kept busy. Not that it was hard to do that!!

After most of the guests had left, we realized we had NO room in the car to transport gifts and our family so he loaded the car to bring everything home and come back for us. He walked over to me and gave me a kiss. I was, and still am, flabbergasted. 

It was suggested to me that he was probably still slightly intoxicated last night when he said divorce. That this morning he possibly didn't say anything because he didn't know WHAT to say and that by kissing me, he was hoping to "fix" things without having to discuss them. Maybe hoping that if we never mention it again, we can pretend it never happened.

But it did. And it hurt me deeply. I want to confront him. Not angrily, or, well, confrontationally, but to address it. If he did mean it, I need to know so that I can prepare. If he didn't mean it, I still need to know. I was told to just drop it for now and "see what happens". That if I ask him about it now, I may just embarrass and/or enrage him and get an answer I don't want. But that leaves me still confused and not knowing WHAT to do. Whether I should start preparing for a divorce in which case I need to get a job and enroll my daughter in school or move on with our plans for me to homeschool her. 

So what do you think. Address it with him, or try to forget it happened until he comes to me?


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Address it as soon as you know he is sober. Dont wait
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If he wont get help, then you need to get out of there before he turns his rage on you. 

I recommend that you find an AlAnon group in your area. Its a great place for support and you will learn alot about alcoholics and what makes us tick and why we act the way we do when we drink. 

But look to your kids' and your own safety first.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MyHappyPlace said:


> But that leaves me still confused and not knowing WHAT to do. Whether I should start preparing for a divorce in which case I need to get a job and enroll my daughter in school or move on with our plans for me to homeschool her.


As I said above, I doubt your husband wants a divorce. What he wants is for you to stop complaining about his drinking. And he probably feels like everything is OK now, because he thinks his divorce threat scared you enough and got the result he wanted. That's what the kiss was for. To tell you he isn't getting a divorce, now that you are acting "normal" to him and not bugging him about his alcohol.

He knows his remark hurt you. It was intended to. In his mind, it was justified because you hurt him first by bringing up his addiction. 

Alcoholics are EXTREMELY defensive about their drinking. They will always get angry if you bring it up. So that is your choice - tolerate the drinking and keep quiet about it, or speak up and be prepared for an argument. But the question is, can you really tolerate his drinking for the next 10, 20, 30 years? Do you want to?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't know how you can put with that, OP. The only reason I can think of to stay is for the safety of your kids. If you are not with him and them, who knows who will be, or how he will treat them when drunk.

I sure do feel bad for you. Maybe the suggestion to attend Al-Anon would be helpful?

My mom and older sister used to say my dad was an alcoholic. But even when he stopped drinking, he was as crabby and touchy as ever. Dry drunk, I think they call it. 

I am so glad I did not marry someone like my dad. It must be very difficult to be with an alcoholic.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Call his bluff.....and tell him you want a divorce as his Alcoholism is clearly effecting your relationship.

Proceed with it as well.

Chances are, this might not be his first or last MAJOR life event that will force him to stop drinking.

Some people get the hint and change QUICK. And some fall deeper into it and things get LOT worse.

It's all on HIM IMO. At this point, you just have to worry about yourself and your child.

You 2 being in that environment is not only bad but also dangerous.

Alcohol addictions are and can be worse than even the hard core drug addictions. 

DO NOT ENABLE HIM BY STAYING/PUTTING UP WITH HIM OP!!!!!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Why not stop trying to fix his addiction and START fixing YOUR life? 

It's unmanageable, and Al-Anon can be a HUGE (free) help to you right now. You're asking "why is alcohol more important than his family?" and I will say, "Because the nature of addiction is to protect the drug of choice." Please don't let controlling others be YOUR drug of choice. 

(I know you have a dozen reasons and justifications for why it's OK to tell him to stop drinking, etc.... and they're as meaningless as his excuses to keep drinking.) 

Please go check out Al-Anon for your own sake and your children's!


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

You can't logically reason with an actively drunk person. 

You can't logically reason with an alcoholic who happens to be sober at the time. 

If he is an alcoholic them he has a disease. He isn't choosing booze over you because his disease has taken over his brain. 

I feel really bad for you. But the way you deal with an addict has a huge impact on your outcome. 
I would get into IC and alanon if I were you. You need to learn how to set up boundaries and how to productively talk to him about getting help. 
Trying to figure out the logic behind what someone says when they are drunk is pointless. 
I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am sorry for this situation and the pain it caused you and your children. Unfortunately, you cannot make your husband choose family over drinking. Most people who become addicts have no idea why they choose self-destructive behavior over the good things of life. There is a book I always recommend for people in your position, "Love Must Be Tough: Hew Hope for Marriages in Crisis" by Dr. James Dobson. The reason I recommend it is because it lays out specific steps a spouse can take when they are more committed to the relationship then their partner is. As hard as it is to face, tough decisions have to be made to protect your children and make it as likely as possible that your marriage can be saved. There is hope - things can change - but you are going to have to help your husband see that change is necessary. This book will help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Thank you all for your time, suggestions, support, and prayers. I am too chicken to talk to him most of the time, and he's not a big talker of emotions anyway so after he left for work last night, I shot him a quick text telling him I was confused over whether he meant what he had said or not. He can never say "sorry", and I've known that for years and accepted it. So his way of apologizing has always been to do something for me out of the ordinary that he knows I would like and appreciate. When he got home from work this morning he showed me that he was sorry... apparently VERY sorry! and did not mean what he had said. I know it doesn't make the root problem go away, but at least it cleared that up for me.

He also had today off and didn't drink a lick of beer. That's HUGE for me. I know that he is strong enough to kick this and I will support him through it as long as he is trying. I will not run for the hills just because things are going to be a bit tough for a while. But I will not enable him anymore either. We go out to eat as a family once a week and I always drive home because he has a beer, or three. I will make it very clear when we go out from now on that he will be expected to drive home. In which case he will not drink because no matter how much he's had, we are both very clear that once you have opened a beer, you do not drive. Period. A law in our house that has been in place and been abidded by for 7 years. 

I cannot afford IC and the local Al-anon meetings are unfortunately at a time that I cannot get a sitter. Plus, the meetings are held in a place I would not be comfortable going. 

So while I don't believe that everything will be rainbows and unicorns from here on out, I think we are on the right path. And I really do appreciate being able to come to TAM and vent, ask away, and get such amazing feedback. You guys truly are my support system. THANKS!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> I cannot afford IC and the local Al-anon meetings are unfortunately at a time that I cannot get a sitter. Plus, the meetings are held in a place I would not be comfortable going.
> 
> So while I don't believe that everything will be rainbows and unicorns from here on out, I think we are on the right path. And I really do appreciate being able to come to TAM and vent, ask away, and get such amazing feedback. You guys truly are my support system. THANKS!


You're making excuses and you KNOW that this is the same ol' routine. You set your priorities. You could find an alternate meeting or find a way to prioritize this one. You could get there and ask someone to work with you outside of the meetings.

You are NOT on the right path, and you're copping out. His disease is drinking. Yours is codependency. I am not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it because it's THAT important!

You're at a place where he feels bad, so he makes nice, and you feel in control and maybe a teeny bit superior and special, and as soon as he realizes the relationship is back to safe, he'll feel that he's again "less" than you, and he will drink again. 

You've been through this before... how many times? Your family... you, your children, and your guy.... ALL DESERVE BETTER! You deserve to be cherished and loved, don't you? To be more important than a freaking bottle PERMANENTLY!?! 

It's great to reach out for support, but if you continue doing the same thing and expecting different results, I will stop offering support. I suspect others, will, too.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Wow kathy. Thats pretty harsh on the public board. IMO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Jamestone said:


> Wow kathy. Thats pretty harsh on the public board. IMO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's honest. I'm direct, but I am a long way from abusive. Why come to a board like this if you don't want honest feedback?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Jamestone said:


> Wow kathy. Thats pretty harsh on the public board. IMO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The truth hurts sometimes..............


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

I did not say you were not speaking your honest opinion. It just came across to me as lacking tact and too blunt. But I am a guy so what do I know. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

My choice to not attend Al-anon meetings is in no way making excuses or copping out. I've been to Al-anon. I've also been to my very own meetings 10 years ago when I was the addict. I know what they've got to say and quite frankly I don't think attending could add anything that would make it worth while for me to be THAT exceptionally uncomfortable. That doesn't even include the problem of a sitter. It's really great that you have the finances and/or support system to be able to get a sitter for 4 kids once a week, I do not have that luxury. 

The IC is truly out of the picture. We have a family of 6 on one income and our finances are stretched to the max. Maybe, if he does truly stop drinking, I can use his booze money to pay for counseling, but until I see some return from that, it just isn't there.

I am well aware that the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting different results. I also said that I was going to stop enabling him. I will not buy his alcohol and I will not be expected to drive so that he can drink. Since I've never made either statement before, how is this doing the same thing? I have, for once, put my foot down in my marriage and am refusing to submit. He knows where I stand now and if he slips, I'll deal with that then. But as a former addict, that has been through the difficulty of obtaining sobriety, I also know how unbelievably important it is to have a support system that will stick by your side as long as you are trying and not go running just because of a few bumps along the way.

While I appreciate positive support, encouragement, and suggestions, berating me is not something that helps. If you wish to pull your support Kathy, go ahead. I encourage it, it isn't the kind of "supoprt" I need anyway.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *MyHappyPlace said:* I also know how unbelievably important it is to have a support system that will stick by your side *as long as you are trying* and not go running just because of a few bumps along the way.


_*IS*_ he trying?

Be honest.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

It's only been 3 days, so time will tell. But for those 3 day, YES! He hasn't had a drink, despite our going out to dinner last night. He has spent more time with the kids and gotten a lot of work done around the house. He's complimenting me for things I've done (something he has NEVER done!) and has been very sympathetic to my recent exhaustion. I don't expect all of that to last too long, but if the sobriety and time with kids parts last, I'll be exhilerated!


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

MyHappyPlace said:


> My choice to not attend Al-anon meetings is in no way making excuses or copping out. I've been to Al-anon. I've also been to my very own meetings 10 years ago when I was the addict. I know what they've got to say and quite frankly I don't think attending could add anything that would make it worth while for me to be THAT exceptionally uncomfortable. That doesn't even include the problem of a sitter. It's really great that you have the finances and/or support system to be able to get a sitter for 4 kids once a week, I do not have that luxury.
> 
> The IC is truly out of the picture. We have a family of 6 on one income and our finances are stretched to the max. Maybe, if he does truly stop drinking, I can use his booze money to pay for counseling, but until I see some return from that, it just isn't there.
> 
> ...




Why don't you just tell him "I'm taking the money you spend on booze to pay for my counseling." Why wait? 

Why do you need a babysitter again? He won't watch the kids? 
There are online alanon groups too. 
You say you are afraid to talk to him. Why?

There are a lot of nonprofit groups that do counseling on a sliding scale basis depending on your income and family size. Look into it, you might end up with very cheap rates.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> My choice to not attend Al-anon meetings is in no way making excuses or copping out. I've been to Al-anon. I've also been to my very own meetings 10 years ago when I was the addict. I know what they've got to say and quite frankly I don't think attending could add anything that would make it worth while for me to be THAT exceptionally uncomfortable.
> 
> *What would be uncomfortable about it? The only time I've seen people who felt uncomfortable is when they are still in denial in some way. You say you have "been to" these meetings, but I notice you don't say you ever WORKED the 12-step program. I believe if you had, you wouldn't have found yourself in this situation where you have been enabling someone and now feel the need to stop.
> 
> ...


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> I cannot afford IC and the local Al-anon meetings are unfortunately at a time that I cannot get a sitter. Plus, the meetings are held in a place I would not be comfortable going.
> 
> So while I don't believe that everything will be rainbows and unicorns from here on out, I think we are on the right path. And I really do appreciate being able to come to TAM and vent, ask away, and get such amazing feedback. You guys truly are my support system. THANKS!


You need to learn to communicate, and practice that with him.

Basically you behave like a mother, and show no respect in your behavior. You need to change first, otherwise it will be only an exchange of arguments for the rest of the marriage.

There are enough simple resources online available for free online.

What about this:

Start to communicate by taking time for the both of you, no other distraction. You walk in a park, or something. You are sitting with some relaxing music in the background.

You ask questions, where you have to ask open questions to dig out the feelings the other has about a subject. You have to rephrase the others answers in your own words, until the other acknowledges it is correctly understood.
Take a limited time, and take turns.

No Discussion. No argumentation. No good or wrong answers. The only point is to learn to listen to the deeper outings of the other. And show you heard the other.

You need nothing to think about the others feelings. Only if the other would ask you about that you could say that, by expressing your feelings about an issue. While if the other has asked for that, it is needed to show it is understood by the feedback of the repeating in own words.

Mastering the above would change yourself, your relation, your world.

It can be very simple. It is not easy, you have to work on it.


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## WaverlyHanson (Apr 20, 2014)

I'm really hoping you aren't serious about wondering whether you should bring it up or not? His behavior had nothing to do with anything bad happening about the pizza...it was totally about his alcohol problem.

Hopefully you will begin to go immediately to an AlAnon and get your teen into a teen group too. As you know, your primary responsibility is to keep yourself and your kids safe. Get signed up for all the programs you qualify for as part of your self care plan. 

It is important that you meet in a public place when you talk with him about what is happening with his behavior. 

It is also important that you go to Al Anon and that you talk to someone and get a safety plan in place for yourself and the children. It may be necessary to go to a shelter or stay with someone while you are waiting to see whether or not he goes for help.

It is doubtful as by far the majority of alcoholics don't think they have a problem. In some ways they don't really have that much of a problem because there is always someone covering for them or taking care of their problems. 

Usually the only reason someone goes for help is because someone they value in their life is leaving them to take responsibility for themselves. Even then, they really have to do it for themselves, otherwise it doesn't work and you keep being blamed for their problems. 

Wishing you all the best,

WaverlyHanson


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## WaverlyHanson (Apr 20, 2014)

Sorry about my reply as I see you had already addressed the AlAnon question.

Just curious why your 13 year old can't do the babysitting for you

WaverlyHanson


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MyHappyPlace is not responding in this thread, she is just posting all over TAM. 

Spoiled energy to react on a drama queen I guess...


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I haven't been responding because I had nothing to respond to and then wasn't online for a awhile for a variety of reasons. One being that I'm spending less time online and more time with my husband.

He still hasn't had a drink since that night. He's been more involved with our children and around the house. He's actually been meeting my intimate needs for the first time in forever. We go for daily evening walks together which is really new. It was never discussed, but one night he joined me when I took the dogs out and he has continued joining me every night since. He's more talkative than ever and is actually joining me for visits with friends and family too. THIS is the man I fell in love with 7 years ago. 

I don't know what snapped that night, but it changed both of us. The happier I am with his behavior, the more energy I seem to have to keep up on the housework, children, myself, and even him. 

His beer was draining BOTH of us and without it, we are reconnecting in a way that was lost a long time ago. 

Waverly, my 13 year old has extreme ADHD and other neurological issues right now. While he is happy to babysit for us, I don't feel comfortable leaving him for more than 30 minutes or so. He tends to "zone out" and lose awareness of what is going on around him. Like staring at a blank television screen for 15 minutes after his movie has ended and if you ask him what he's doing, he'll snap out of it and tell you "I'm watching so and so." When you point out that it's over and has been for some time, he has no recollection of it ending. If he were to have an episode while babysitting his sister, and something happened, I would never forgive myself.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> I don't know what snapped that night, but it changed both of us. The happier I am with his behavior, the more energy I seem to have to keep up on the housework, children, myself, and even him.
> 
> His beer was draining BOTH of us and without it, we are reconnecting in a way that was lost a long time ago.


OK, I hope you make it, concentrate on good communication.

Non Violent Communication could be the thing for you. Is totally different from what you are used to. Therefore a new road to go.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Ok, I know you can take your children to Al Anon. After all it is for FAMILIES and friends of alcoholics and addicts. As you are an addict as you stated you also know that it is unlikely your husbands excessive drinking has stopped. You sound codependent. I will repeat what others have said, go to Al Anon,and as you are an addict go to AA or NA. You need help. Acting as enabler and codependent is not helping anybody.

If you do not like 12 step progrms there are alternatives such as religious groups or social service organizations that can give you the help you require at little or no cost. I feel for your children.


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