# At what point does the wife become the abuser?



## lickitesplit (May 9, 2012)

My other thread explains the history of my frustrations and why I'm considering divorce. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/45912-im-tired-boss-just-so-tired.html

My post here addresses another aspect of our ongoing problems which is that over the past three years, she has become increasingly more physical and animated when we argue. What begins as a simple disagreement ends up with me having scratches up and down my arms from fending her off or now on my neck and face. Yet, somehow it's all my fault. 

I'm sick of her inability to communicate as an adult. Regardless of the topic, if I express myself in a way that disagrees with her, there will be hell to pay. She for some reason is cursed with this never ending desire to be heard or validated. 

I tend to disagree with her regularly because I simply don't see things in the same light as her. But it has become problematic because she can't reason. And I can't simply drop my balls on the floor and let her step on them. 

Our incompatibilities are reaching the boiling over point, if they haven't already.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Abuse is abuse, regardless of the gender of the perpetrator. One of the dirty little secrets of domestic violence is how much of it is female against male -- men tend to drastically underreport it, for reasons I'm sure you can understand.

I'd say the same thing to you I'd say to an abused woman -- this is not acceptable behavior and you should not tolerate it. I remember your other post, and I don't see that you're getting much good out of this marriage. Do you?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

The moment that she puts her hands on you in anger, it is abuse.


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## lickitesplit (May 9, 2012)

The whole relationship is such a mind f**k. I'm getting nothing from it but more frustration and resentment.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I agree, Lick...so what are you going to do about it? Fortunately, we live in the 21st century, and you are not trapped unless you agree to it.


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## lickitesplit (May 9, 2012)

The million dollar question. I need someone to lead me to the promised land.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yeah, don't we all. It doesn't work that way. You have a lot of good resources here on TAM, but in the end, it's your decision, and one only you can make. Good luck!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Abuse is abuse no matter who does it. And that means emotional as well as physical.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Right there with you, unhappy -- I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I would much rather have been hit -- at least that way everyone can see the damage!

I'm glad you are in a better place now!

Oh, and Lick, I also give you permission to leave.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lick,

Keep a VAR on you if you can. Record one of her blow ups just in case she tries to pull the old "I'm calling the cops and telling them you hit me" BS.

It's been done.


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## lickitesplit (May 9, 2012)

Yes it's quite ironic that the one common denominator is.....her. I've never had this issue before marrying her either. Yet, she has a long history of relationship issues with me, her family, past friends of ours in neighborhoods, in our current neighborhood, the list goes on. 

Someone else is always to blame. 

The kids. The kids. Having kids with her is THE one thing that makes this the most difficult decision to make.


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## lickitesplit (May 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> lick,
> 
> Keep a VAR on you if you can. Record one of her blow ups just in case she tries to pull the old "I'm calling the cops and telling them you hit me" BS.
> 
> It's been done.


Oh, she plays that card all the time. She was successful with that long time ago and now plays it every time. I tell her to go ahead and call them. If they escort me out, it's not abandonment.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dysfunction = when the least common denominator in all your unsatisfactory relationships is you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lickitesplit said:


> Yes it's quite ironic that the one common denominator is.....her. I've never had this issue before marrying her either. Yet, she has a long history of relationship issues with me, her family, past friends of ours in neighborhoods, in our current neighborhood, the list goes on.
> 
> Someone else is always to blame.
> 
> The kids. The kids. Having kids with her is THE one thing that makes this the most difficult decision to make.


She was an abuse victim as a child, correct?


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## lickitesplit (May 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> She was an abuse victim as a child, correct?


Yes. And your point?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lickitesplit said:


> Yes. And your point?


She acts like it.

Emotionally broken people usually suffer from some combination of PTSD and a personality disorder.

This makes it extraordinarily difficult for them to take responsibility for their actions (which leads to blameshifting) as they are literally afraid of harsh punishment if admitting a mistake. Their right brain/subconscious warns them that harsh punishment is coming - as it often has when they've screwed up.

All her relationships will be this way until she addresses it.

Deep down she is very very angry.

And, you are the beneficiary of those emotions. The anger "understudy" who now plays a leading role.


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## lickitesplit (May 9, 2012)

Interesting. What a poisonous concoction.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lickitesplit said:


> Interesting. What a poisonous concoction.


Sound familiar


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