# Cheated on



## DylanSweat (Jun 18, 2016)

So my and my current wife C have been married since September 2015 we are both young. I am 20 and she is 19. We had been together for about 2.5 years before getting married. I am currently in the military but we don't live together. I am stationed about two hours away from her and we have had these separate living conditions since July 2015 when I got out of Basic trainging. We always had a great relationship, having our ups and downs but always making it through them. We got married at the courthouse in 2015 and planned to have our wedding Febraury 2016. I am a very jealous person so sometimes I would go through her phone and she knows I would because I have had problems before with men flirting with her and she doesn't stop it. Well about 3-4 weeks before our wedding I went through her phone and found text messages that made me suspicious that she was cheating on me and got really upset and the next morning I asked her if she did and she said "no I haven't we are good friends and it was just playful" well I believed her and let it go but was still very untrusting. So time passes and it's about 3 days before our wedding we were both excited for the big day. And I get a message on Instagram from one of her good friends asking me if I ever think my wife would cheat on me and I tell her friend M that I have had my suspicions and told M that I confronted her about it and my wife C had denied all of it. Well M tells me that my suspicions were right that my wife C had been having on affair on me since around the beginning of January 2016. About the time that I noticed my wife C had been "distancing" herself from me, we had little to no intimacy and we had arguments more frequently. Well after M called me I immediately called my wife and confronted her over the phone about it and at first she tried to lie again but after saying her friend told me everything she confessed to it. She told me she felt horrible and told me that once we had the wedding she was going to break it off with the man she cheated on me with. I was furious, hurt and crying the whole night. Well we talked about it the day before the wedding and I asked if she just wanted a divorce or go through with the wedding and fix everything. (So I gave her a choice) and she couldn't decide that night. Well the big day comes around and she texts me and says she has an answer. She tells me that she wants a divorce that she talked with her other friends and they advised her to do what makes her happy and this other man makes her more happy than I do. And again I let my temper get to me say many hurtful things towards her and I cancel the wedding. (She spent months planning it and it crushed her but she stuck with her decision to end things) well the wedding was Saturday I drove to my friends house since it was cancelled and broke down many times. Well the following day Sunday I couldn't let go and I went to see her and talked to her and apologize and try to convince her that we should work things out before we end it. And she said that because I cancelled to the wedding she wouldn't want to but we came to an agreement to work things out. She took it more as a chance to choose between me her husband and another man. Well every weekend for the next 2 months I saw her tried to show her the best side of me and get her to choose me (bad mistake because it mentally hurt me everyday as she was still sleeping with this other man and telling him she loved him and kissing him the entire time she was "choosing") we also still had arguments quite frequently over this time period of "choosing" and many times I had been unfaithful to an extent by trying to find other women to sleep with or talking to other women and flirting with them. But nothing was ever physical like kissing, touching or sexual. Every time I did this she found out we fought she told me she was going to choose him and I broke down and spilled my love for her and she said she would give me another chance as I have 3-4 times I messed up and she found out. Well finally after about 2.5-3 months of this she came to a decision and chose him and of course I was hurt again. It put me into a deep depression, I was really stressed out cause of this and my job, always anxious. And eventually it built up to me having thoughts of suicide (i have gotten the help I needed with that and go to a counselor quite frequently because of it). Well we finally came to an agreement to "work on ourselves" and I wanted her to stop seeing him (she currently lives with him in his dad's house because her parents kicked her out and she has her own room but I don't know if she actually sleeps there or with him) I've told her multiple times that "working on yourself" means not having any physical or emotional interaction with him and yet she still can't control urges. I have shown a lot less care and interest in the relationship because when I put in my 110% it led me to stress, depression and thoughts of suicide. And now I am happier than I was but I still get mad when I find out things she has done while we "work on ourselves" (I have to ask her what she has done because she won't just tell me she made another mistake). We talk casually about everyday and I don't see her often since we made our agreement we have seen eachother about 2 times and we made it 1.5-2 months ago. I just don't know what to do. She complains to me all the time that he has done this or that or won't let her have a cat that she really wants or whatever and tells me about constant fights yet I know she still has a physical and maybe an emotional relationship with him. She has also told me multiple times her two full time jobs she is working stress her out so much she wants to move in with me but never makes the step. I just need advice on what I should do or how I should handle this. Is divorce the answer? I have never felt the way I do about anyone else and believe she is my life partner. I have even considered truly forgiving her if we attempt to work things out. I'm lost and need some light shed in this dark tunnel I have been in for so very long.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Why are you doing this to yourself?

No person is worth placing yourself in such an unhealthy place.

You are military... take action and choose (or the other way around if it is a better dynamic for you), that is what they trained us to do.

Place this behind you as soon as possible and drive on with a healthy path.

Oh, and please seek out your base Chaplin for counseling services, you will need the assistance or the resentment will consume you... trust me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You're a 20 year old military man being cuckolded by a teenager. What a sorry state!

Your "wife" is living with and having sex with another "man". Your "marriage" is a sham. File for divorce, stop talking to the silly little twit ( she has the nerve to complain her affair partner won't let her have a cat...really?..cuz THAT's the problem...) and move on with your life.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Move on with your life. You are too young to get married. See a military counselor to get your life in the right track. Build your self-esteem and work on your personal goals. I do not see your relationship getting healthy at anytime. You are married to a cheater. No good will come out of this marriage.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

DylanSweat said:


> I asked if she just wanted a divorce or go through with the wedding


That's a new one.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

How can you get divorced if you weren't married yet? Story is kind of confusing.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

She's not your life partner. She's a spoiled little child who is cake eating.

How dare she discuss her "relationship" with him with you?

She's disgusting. Boot her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married less than a year and no kids?

*IMMEDIATELY* file for divorce, lest she attempt to pass Jody's kid off as yours, as well as use your military benefits to bring it into the world.

And don't even consider getting married again before you're back home for good... and at least a few years older (goes for her as well).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Lostme said:


> How can you get divorced if you weren't married yet? Story is kind of confusing.


They got married at the courthouse but were going to have a large wedding later. Probably for the rest of the family/friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Dylan, if you were giving advice what would you tell the guy? The woman is dishonest, not trustworthy, and not loyal. Other than that, she's probably a great bed mate for the other guy (and maybe his daddy. Take my word for it, you never know. She sounds like she has the disposition.) 
Whether you know it or not, the smartest thing you're doing is not living together. Take the next step and jettison her completely. A few months and and a couple of three girlfriends down the road, you won't remember her name. In the meantime, watch out for her getting knocked up and wanting you and your military benefits to foot the bill.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We see many stories where military people seem quite weak in the face of infidelity. At first it seems contradictory, but I think it really isn't.

These are people with strong senses of honor and sacrifice. It is hard to turn off those features when the person you love is betraying them.

So, I can kind of understand why you want to hold on, even if your love isn't what you thought it was.

Nonetheless, you need now to honor yourself and sacrifice for your own future. You are young and will find a more mature love. This will happen very quickly, in my opinion.

File for an annulment and move on. Your WW isn't ready for marriage. Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant while you are going through the process of annulment (or divorce).

Good luck. It will get infinitely better. At your age, you will move on very quickly. Try to trust us on that.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

You need to go full NO CONTACT with her. Go totally dark. No texts or phone calls. You haven't been married long and she moved in with another man, check your local laws and see if you can get an annulment of the marriage. I agree with the others, she is not your life partner. And she obviously has no feelings for you. So walk away.

You need to stop worrying about her and start concentrating on yourself. Get rest, drink plenty of water, exercise, and get a therapist to work through this with you. Concentrate on your career and bettering yourself. You need to end things with her immediately. Get the annulment and when you feel comfortable, start seeing other girls. And by the way, NEVER apologize to her again for talking to other girls, don't plead with her, don't cry in front of her, and don't bargain with her. She made her choice and she is sticking with it. All you are doing by continuing to chase after her is feed her ego and destroy yours!

Look I have been in your shoes. I caught my fiancé with another man, before we married, and she eloped with him. I handled the situation all wrong and it cost me for years. You are already ahead of where I was by coming here. You have all the posters here, who understand what your going through to advise you. Listen and take action.

1) STOP talking and communicating with her immediately.
2) Look into getting the marriage annulled, or file for divorce.
3) Get a therapist and get help working through this.
4) Start concentrating on yourself and making your life better.
5) Stop being around her friends if at all possible. If you do come in contact with them, do not discuss your ex. If they want to tell you all about what's going on with her, excuse yourself and walk away.
6) Get your social life back. Go out with your friends, have fun, play sports, whatever you like for fun. Try not to just sit around and pine for her. Your therapist will help you with this.
7) When you need to vent, let it out. Either to a close friend or come here, TAM will support you.

These things will get you started. Other poster's will have more to add. Get started on your new life. I bet when you really do find your life partner, you will be amazed how much better she is than C ever was to you.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Divorce and move onto a better life for yourself. You're only young and seemingly more than a bit naive. Give yourself time to grow into the person you want to be and a lot of that has to do with how you handle life experiences,both good and bad. Though it's hard,let this be a learning experience. It will get easier in time. Take care.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lostme said:


> How can you get divorced if you weren't married yet? Story is kind of confusing.


Wedding by Judge: Done!

Wedding in Church: Not done yet.

OP, take my advice, *no* wedding in church and see a lawyer to check if you can have your marriage annulled.

If not, file for divorce.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You two are far to immature to be in an arrangement and I say arrangement because what you two are in does not qualify as a relationship. You are both behaving like children, she a spoiled brat and you a clingy, needy dependent. If you try to "win her" back have you seriously considered the prize you will be getting?

She is married to you, living with another man, in his parents house no less and her point of discussion is he will not let her have a feline pet. Have you seriously looked at this from an outside perspective? You really want this back?

If you want to avoid significant heartache later in life immediately file for D and tell her to have a nice life with her new beau. Then you work on your self esteem and you will discover that you are worth far more than she could ever afford to pay. However, there are women who will appreciate you and what you bring to the relationship table, when you have matured some and are ready.

Let this one go and leave her to her own devices unless you want to live this drama for the rest of your life together. It will happen if you try to stay with her. Good luck.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

You're young. You don't need this sh*t. Dump the tramp and move on with your life. She doesn't deserve you. You're much too good for a skank like that. Move on and never look back. I promise you won't regret it.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

This chick will ruin your whole life if you let her.

Don't give her another day, file and move on, you will be so glad you did, once you take back control of your life.

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

OP have you lost your mind. Why on earth would you even put yourself through this garbage. You let some woman get you to the verge of suicide? WTF man. Let her go be with the loser living with his dad. You have your whole life ahead of you, you have no kids, and you found out your wife is not somebody you should be with. Move on and get it together. Stop trying to talk to her. Leave her alone.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Since you are in the military, she is likely going for your benefits. I remember a Tom Leykis radio episode from 10 years ago, in which a 19yr old girl married a marine and hoped he'd die in war so she could cash in on his death.

So OP, DO NOT speak or spend time with that woman. If she gets preggers either by your or her AP, then you're likely to be liable for the child support! So DON'T take a chance by having sex with her and getting her "oops" pregnant. File, get an annulment, divorce - anything.

A local friend of mine found out that his GF of 2 months was cheating on him. She's a cute thang too... also 30yrs old, career professional. So I said,"enjoy hitting it a few more times and throw her away." Within a week, he threw her out of his house.

PS: You are very very young. You should date many kinds of women, use condoms and start looking at serious relationships after the age of about 25. Have kids 3~5 years after marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Given the relatively minute amount of time that you've been married, you are probably going to qualify for an annulment rather than a divorce proceeding!

Given that, I would get with a base legal advisor who can help you sort things out and refer you to someone who can start the annulment process for you!

You do not need the added pain involving the gross immaturity of a teenager!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

DylanSweat said:


> So my and my current wife C have been married since September 2015 we are both young. I am 20 and she is 19. We had been together for about 2.5 years before getting married. I am currently in the military but we don't live together. I am stationed about two hours away from her and we have had these separate living conditions since July 2015 when I got out of Basic trainging. We always had a great relationship, having our ups and downs but always making it through them. We got married at the courthouse in 2015 and planned to have our wedding Febraury 2016. I am a very jealous person so sometimes I would go through her phone and she knows I would because I have had problems before with men flirting with her and she doesn't stop it. Well about 3-4 weeks before our wedding I went through her phone and found text messages that made me suspicious that she was cheating on me and got really upset and the next morning I asked her if she did and she said "no I haven't we are good friends and it was just playful" well I believed her and let it go but was still very untrusting. So time passes and it's about 3 days before our wedding we were both excited for the big day. And I get a message on Instagram from one of her good friends asking me if I ever think my wife would cheat on me and I tell her friend M that I have had my suspicions and told M that I confronted her about it and my wife C had denied all of it. Well M tells me that my suspicions were right that my wife C had been having on affair on me since around the beginning of January 2016. About the time that I noticed my wife C had been "distancing" herself from me, we had little to no intimacy and we had arguments more frequently. Well after M called me I immediately called my wife and confronted her over the phone about it and at first she tried to lie again but after saying her friend told me everything she confessed to it. She told me she felt horrible and told me that once we had the wedding she was going to break it off with the man she cheated on me with. I was furious, hurt and crying the whole night. Well we talked about it the day before the wedding and I asked if she just wanted a divorce or go through with the wedding and fix everything. (So I gave her a choice) and she couldn't decide that night. Well the big day comes around and she texts me and says she has an answer. She tells me that she wants a divorce that she talked with her other friends and they advised her to do what makes her happy and this other man makes her more happy than I do. And again I let my temper get to me say many hurtful things towards her and I cancel the wedding. (She spent months planning it and it crushed her but she stuck with her decision to end things) well the wedding was Saturday I drove to my friends house since it was cancelled and broke down many times. Well the following day Sunday I couldn't let go and I went to see her and talked to her and apologize and try to convince her that we should work things out before we end it. And she said that because I cancelled to the wedding she wouldn't want to but we came to an agreement to work things out. She took it more as a chance to choose between me her husband and another man. Well every weekend for the next 2 months I saw her tried to show her the best side of me and get her to choose me (bad mistake because it mentally hurt me everyday as she was still sleeping with this other man and telling him she loved him and kissing him the entire time she was "choosing") we also still had arguments quite frequently over this time period of "choosing" and many times I had been unfaithful to an extent by trying to find other women to sleep with or talking to other women and flirting with them. But nothing was ever physical like kissing, touching or sexual. Every time I did this she found out we fought she told me she was going to choose him and I broke down and spilled my love for her and she said she would give me another chance as I have 3-4 times I messed up and she found out. Well finally after about 2.5-3 months of this she came to a decision and chose him and of course I was hurt again. It put me into a deep depression, I was really stressed out cause of this and my job, always anxious. And eventually it built up to me having thoughts of suicide (i have gotten the help I needed with that and go to a counselor quite frequently because of it). Well we finally came to an agreement to "work on ourselves" and I wanted her to stop seeing him (she currently lives with him in his dad's house because her parents kicked her out and she has her own room but I don't know if she actually sleeps there or with him) I've told her multiple times that "working on yourself" means not having any physical or emotional interaction with him and yet she still can't control urges. I have shown a lot less care and interest in the relationship because when I put in my 110% it led me to stress, depression and thoughts of suicide. And now I am happier than I was but I still get mad when I find out things she has done while we "work on ourselves" (I have to ask her what she has done because she won't just tell me she made another mistake). We talk casually about everyday and I don't see her often since we made our agreement we have seen eachother about 2 times and we made it 1.5-2 months ago. I just don't know what to do. She complains to me all the time that he has done this or that or won't let her have a cat that she really wants or whatever and tells me about constant fights yet I know she still has a physical and maybe an emotional relationship with him. She has also told me multiple times her two full time jobs she is working stress her out so much she wants to move in with me but never makes the step. *I just need advice on what I should do* or how I should handle this. Is divorce the answer? I have never felt the way I do about anyone else and believe she is my life partner. I have even considered truly forgiving her if we attempt to work things out. I'm lost and need some light shed in this dark tunnel I have been in for so very long.


Divorce her and NEVER look back. Request Overseas Duty promptly. I recommend ROK..I spent the better part of 2 and a half years there. Trust me.....you will forget her name by your second month...."Wife Who?"


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Go to Europe.

The ROK, with its restrictions and juicy girls, has nothing on Europe, unless you are traveling good distances.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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