# I'm the HD, she's the LD and I'm the one cutting HER off



## anony-mouse (Jul 22, 2014)

Married 10 years.

So a couple of months ago I (30M HD) got into a huge fight with my wife (29F LD) telling her I was unhappy with where I was (as a priority) in the marriage. My biggest gripe was the lackluster sex. We reconciled (I realized that I had just dumped it on her without her having any clue I was unhappy and was being unreasonable). She took lackluster sex to mean I simply wanted more of it. She made an effort, initiating about 3 times a week.

I thought she was on board with it but I had my suspisions that she was just doing it to keep me from leaving. Last week confirmed it. In a fit of anger (not related to the aforementioned problem) she let slip that she was indeed having so much sex with me so I wouldn't leave. A few days prior to that we had planned on having sex after I got off work. I texted her telling her how excited I was. She asked "why? It's just sex". I told her that it's not just sex for me, it's how I feel emotionally connected to her. She didn't/doesn't understand and asked me to stop talking about it because it puts pressure on her (to perform?).

And it's just that: talking about sex shoudn't create anxiety. I don't want to pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do. But that means that she doesn't want to "do" me. I know I probably shouldn't take it personally, but it's hard not to. I take it to mean that there is something wrong with me. I want her. I want to run my hands all over her and do "things" to her. I can't remember the last time she was arroused by me.

When we did have sex over the last few years I've tried foreplay. She won't have anything to do with it. "Do you mind if I play gameboy so I'm not bored?" For real?! I've tried introducing new things into the bedroom, too, but it just creates "more pressure".
It wasn't always like this. We were pretty hot and heavy for a few years, even after the kids (3 of them) came. It seems like it started after we transferred to San Diego 4 years ago. I don't know what triggered it. She's not on birth control; I had a vasectomy after our 3rd kid 6 years ago. Maybe she saw me as someone to make babies with and now I've lost my use. IDK.

Anyway, since I've confirmed that she only upped her game so I wouldn't leave and not because she desires me, I've decided to cut her off. I haven't told her yet but the next time she tries to initiate just so I can "get my rocks off" I'm going to tell her no. I'm relieving the pressure from her so she can focus more on the kids and her college. I won't leave her because I'm the one saying "no". Then, when life slows down, we can work on it again, maybe. Maybe go to counseling then. She won't now. No time and she doesn't think it would work. And I doubt life will ever really slow down.

It's a little depressing to think that life is too short to spend it with someone I want to express myself sexually to and her not want to recipricate. I want her to desire me and I don't think that will ever happen again.

Thoughts?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It isn't going to change. Either love her as she is, or get ready to move on.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> It isn't going to change. Either love her as she is, or get ready to move on.


This is pretty much the entire short answer.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

After reading much of this I started to grab a t-shirt for him. This part had me put it back away for now. Unlike some of us, there may be something to get back to.



> It wasn't always like this. We were pretty hot and heavy for a few years, even after the kids (3 of them) came. It seems like it started after we transferred to San Diego 4 years ago.


Describe the before. How was it different? Just frequency? Desire?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

anony-mouse said:


> I've decided to cut her off. I haven't told her yet but the next time she tries to initiate just so I can "get my rocks off" I'm going to tell her no. I'm relieving the pressure from her so she can focus more on the kids and her college. I won't leave her because I'm the one saying "no"


And soon you will start to resent her, then you will withdraw emotionally, then you will cut off intimacy, followed by trust. You need a plan to address all of those issues or you are just putting off the train wreck.

BTW her attitude is no better. Imagine how much pressure she will be under when all of those inevitable factors start piling up. She is setting up a seven layer stress cake.

MN


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Cutting off a LD spouse from sex is like throwing Brer Rabbit in the briar patch.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> And soon you will start to resent her, then you will withdraw emotionally, then you will cut off intimacy, followed by trust. You need a plan to address all of those issues or you are just putting off the train wreck.


Actually, putting off the train wreck might be the best immediate solution, especially when there are kids involved. In my case, the idea that I can time my divorce so that it won't unduly hurt my son has made the resentment, emotional withdrawl, etc. quite manageable. But the thought of having duty sex is not so manageable.

So, OP, go ahead and cut her off. You will both be less stressed during the time you quietly arrange your finances and other affairs for the eventual healthy divorce.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read neuklas's thread.

1) Do not get angry and say stuff to inflame the situation.

2) Spend time doing things that make you happy. Your hobbies. Working out. Your kids sports. Let the good feeling you generate reduce your frustration.

3) Perhaps you should cut back on physical affirmation. Do you touch your wife a lot? 

4) Don't tell your wife you love her all the time if she is not doing the same. 

5) Do you have any habits that annoy her? Smoking, porn, junk food, drinking, gambling? Drop them. Do don't tell her, just do it. She'll notice.

6) Lift weights to build your upper body.

7) Dress better. Dress differently.

8) Listen to your wife when she talks. You don't have to say a lot but in your behavior make it clear that you understand her needs. This does not mean you are a puppet. Listen carefully and respond appropriately. 

9) Learn to identify shxte tests and respond with self confidence.

10) Find time to spend with your wife if you have not been dating her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why a ld spouse can't win. If they make effort it's no good because they must want it like the hd spouse; in other words, they should become hd. But the hd spouse is never asked to become ld, it's understood that they are who they are. Ld doesn't get the same consideration.....she makes the effort three times a week but it's not good enough. So what exactly is a ld to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yep. That's the thing, though. There's nothing they can do. Nobody wins. I'm growing weary of the HD LD stuff any way. One person wants another person and their desire and passion is not reciprocated. 

A story as old as time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm probably a ld by TAM standards.....meaning I really enjoy it 2-3 times per week. My hb is older so fortunately that works for him, but if I had a spouse hounding me for sex every day or every other day I'd never enjoy any of it. The thing is that those couple of times a week I really enjoy it, but I just don't have it in me to be excited much more than that. I love my hb, think he's hot, and am attracted to him, but that's my drive. Maybe your wife does enjoy it for the frequency she wants, but she's doing it more for you. What do you want from her? Should you be punished for being who you are?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why a ld spouse can't win. If they make effort it's no good because they must want it like the hd spouse; in other words, they should become hd. But the hd spouse is never asked to become ld, it's understood that they are who they are. Ld doesn't get the same consideration.....she makes the effort three times a week but it's not good enough. So what exactly is a ld to do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Win? No one wins in these situations. Everyone is a loser. 

There will always be a fundamental asymmetry around not getting sex and engaging in sex when you don't necessarily want to. HD spouses get just as much advice 'round here about finding their mate's love language, being attentive, accepting "No" for an answer, and being patient about the nuts and bolts of living with someone who could give two ****s about sleeping with you.

So how does and LD spouse win? By 1) not marrying an HD spouse in the first place 2) by not staying in a marriage with a HD spouse with whom they cannot find compromise 3) by finding a mutually disagreeable compromise or 4) by changing their innate personality.

An LD spouse "wins" the same way an HD spouse wins. So I see your victim card and raise you an LD spouse ALWAYS gets to set the sexual parameters in the only relationship for which the other spouse has no alternative outlet under western morals card. Call or fold.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

The problem with HD and LD terms is that they are relative. 

On this board it seems like they get used just to denote which partner has a higher drive than the other. 

I would like sex 2-3 Times per week. That likely makes me average. My husband would like sex once every 10 days (yes, I have been tracking this for quite some time.) That just makes him LD compared to me. 

There are quite a few people on this board who haven't had sex for a year. Or more. It just really depends on everyone's specific situation as to what is considered low drive.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Win? No one wins in these situations. Everyone is a loser.
> 
> There will always be a fundamental asymmetry around not getting sex and engaging in sex when you don't necessarily want to. HD spouses get just as much advice 'round here about finding their mate's love language, being attentive, accepting "No" for an answer, and being patient about the nuts and bolts of living with someone who could give two ****s about sleeping with you.
> 
> ...



Unfortunate you view this as a victim card, conveniently letting yourself avoid dealing with the fact that lots of things can and do change over the years, and we do all kinds of things we don't want to do to make our spouses happy.

This wife hasn't told him to f!ck off, she's made the effort three times per week.

Perhaps if your wife's love language is acts of service you should clean the toilets and be enthusiastic about it, because otherwise it doesn't mean anything. 

If your wife needs more connection then you can provide she certainly can't get it anywhere else because then she's having an emotional affair and you must go ape sh!t, by the laws of western morality. Do you think my hb really wants to listen to my work b!tching? Of course not, but he does it because he knows I need an ear. But I guess if he's not enthusiastic enough I should get upset because the fact that he makes the effort means nothing. He must really want to hear my b!tching or he's no good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Unfortunate you view this as a victim card, conveniently letting yourself avoid dealing with the fact that lots of things can and do change over the years, and we do all kinds of things we don't want to do to make our spouses happy.


Singing to the choir, sister.



lifeistooshort said:


> This wife hasn't told him to f!ck off, she's made the effort three times per week.
> 
> Perhaps if your wife's love language is acts of service you should clean the toilets and be enthusiastic about it, because otherwise it doesn't mean anything.


Seems to me there is a pretty fundamental difference between how enthusiastically I scrub the porcelain and how enthusiastically I engage in the single most intimate act a married couple can perform together

The toilet just laying there and quietly taking a scrubbing doesn't make me feel all hollow inside.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm probably a ld by TAM standards.....meaning I really enjoy it 2-3 times per week. My hb is older so fortunately that works for him, but if I had a spouse hounding me for sex every day or every other day I'd never enjoy any of it. The thing is that those couple of times a week I really enjoy it, but I just don't have it in me to be excited much more than that. I love my hb, think he's hot, and am attracted to him, but that's my drive. Maybe your wife does enjoy it for the frequency she wants, but she's doing it more for you. What do you want from her? Should you be punished for being who you are?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


2-3 times a week is average drive in my book, not LD. :smthumbup:

Many of the posters here have spouses with once or twice a month desire levels or worse. Spouses that do not think about sex, don't MB, avoid sex, often hangups with sex, etc. Spouses who show no effort to really participate in a sexual relationship. THAT scale of LD.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

4x4 said:


> 2-3 times a week is average drive in my book, not LD. :smthumbup:
> 
> Many of the posters here have spouses with once or twice a month desire levels or worse. Spouses that do not think about sex, don't MB, avoid sex, often hangups with sex, etc. Spouses who show no effort to really participate in a sexual relationship. THAT scale of LD.




Fair enough. I get a little p!ssy after a week 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

2 months here....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ironically, it's only because I like sex with my husband. I never wanted it with my ex hb because he was an a$$ and an extremely selfish lover, so I got nothing out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Putting pressure on a LD wife is not the way to go. She will associate sex with a bad thing after a while. I know, because I've been there. And I only got "pissy" after 2 weeks. That was the frequency. But even then, I was putting pressure, so it made it even worse. Result? She just didn't want to have sex in case I got "angry" about it. 

Most people don't realise they've married an LD spouse at the beginning. After a few years and a few kids you have the epiphany. You try, you get pissed off and then you detach. But hey, it happens. As I said in another thread, you either accept it or leave. If my wife gave me sex 3 times a week I would be over the moon. But I understand that it has to be good sex. If she does it for you, it's even worse. Last time for me was the 4th of August and it wasn't great...  You are cutting her off... believe me, she'll be relieved...


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Sticking with the opening post.

Let me tell you, I've tried it. It doesn't work.

Withholding never works on the LD spouse. I think my husband loved it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The problem with withholding from an LD is that you're trying to hurt them in a way that would hurt YOU. YOU know what kind of pain you experience from it, but they just aren't vulnerable to that in the way you are.

It's like wrestling with a pig. You can keep it up as long as you want, but eventually you'll realize the pig is enjoying it.

ETA no, i'm not comparing LD's to pigs. relax.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> The problem with withholding from an LD is that you're trying to hurt them in a way that would hurt YOU. YOU know what kind of pain you experience from it, but they just aren't vulnerable to that in the way you are.
> 
> It's like wrestling with a pig. You can keep it up as long as you want, but eventually you're realize the pig is enjoying it.


:iagree:

It's just not going to effect them the same way it effects you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It is far less stressful to stop initiating sex entirely than to initiate only to be rejected. I did so, as a prelude to separating. Less stress, greater clarity and resolve, and better choices about how to handle the split.

As TheCuriousWife says, it won't change your LD spouse - but it can change you for the better.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> It is far less stressful to stop initiating sex entirely than to initiate only to be rejected. I did so, as a prelude to separating. Less stress, greater clarity and resolve, and better choices about how to handle the split.
> 
> As TheCuriousWife says, it won't change your LD spouse - but it can change you for the better.


This is true.

But just as long as you do it for you, not because because you think it will change them somehow, or be a punishment for them, because it won't.


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## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

I would love for my husband to not be angry at me for not getting the kind of sex he wants, when he wants, how he wants. If you've decided to do this because you love your wife and you'll wait for her to come around I commend you. If you're doing it to "show her" you more than likely won't get the results you're looking for.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why a ld spouse can't win. If they make effort it's no good because they must want it like the hd spouse; in other words, they should become hd. But the hd spouse is never asked to become ld, it's understood that they are who they are. Ld doesn't get the same consideration.....she makes the effort three times a week but it's not good enough. So what exactly is a ld to do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I so agree, I have read a few posts likes these (all from men) who are HD and their wives are LD. They have the talk the wife steps up the sex and the husband complains she isn't into it and it's duty sex. Why not just be happy she stepped it up to make you happy. Not a lot of wives do that. At least she is trying to make you happy. Not every sex session will be hot an heavy like you want it to be. Rufusing her sexually is going to make your situation worse. Some people are never happy, I think you are one of them.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

hbgirl said:


> I would love for my husband to not be angry at me for not getting the kind of sex he wants, when he wants, how he wants. If you've decided to do this because you love your wife and you'll wait for her to come around I commend you. If you're doing it to "show her" you more than likely won't get the results you're looking for.


I partially agree here. Doing it to "show her" is a passive aggressive d!ck move, and it won't work besides.

However, I don't think doing it expecting that giving her time to come around will work either. I don't think LD spouses "come around" in the vast majority of cases.

Stop initiating for you. Find another place to put your energy.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I so agree, I have read a few posts likes these (all from men) who are HD and their wives are LD. They have the talk the wife steps up the sex and the husband complains she isn't into it and it's duty sex. Why not just be happy she stepped it up to make you happy. Not a lot of wives do that. At least she is trying to make you happy. Not every sex session will be hot an heavy like you want it to be. Rufusing her sexually is going to make your situation worse. Some people are never happy, I think you are one of them.


There's a big difference between how an LD can approach this. No, you don't have to be a pornstar in bed, but there's a huge chasm between gamely and cheerfully being present in the moment vs dead starfish sex. You don't have to be wound up like an eight day clock with horniness. When you hear a lot of guys complaining about "duty sex" it's because they're picking up on cues from their spouse that the whole thing is a big bother to them. Impatient sighs. Glances at the clock. In many cases I've read, the LD is actually DOING SOMETHING ELSE during sex--watching TV, reading a book, playing Farmville on facebook, etc.


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

Our situations sound almost identical, to the point of being borderline creepy. (I also had a vasectomy 6 years ago after our third kid.) *Shudder*

But with one difference: My marriage has been reconciled, and I'm immensely happy about it.

So what did I do?

1. I read NMNMG and MMSLP. I recognized myself as a textbook Nice Guy and begun making some changes. I tried to kill the "covert contracts" and begun vocalizing my wants and needs more. I started making decisions. Indecisiveness was one of the huge annoyances in our marriage, even about nominal things like what to have for dinner. Now, I just make a call, and believe it or not, that little thing has made a huge difference.
2. Once I realized some things about myself, it put me more in tune with my own emotions. I had suppressed them for so long, it was difficult, but I'm letting them back out now.
3. We had a couple of long discussions that lasted well into the night. There was a lot of honesty here, and I learned a lot. 

I learned that while I held sex as an essential emotional bonding activity, she got nothing emotional. It was purely physical for her. Hence the unimportance on her part. She always felt my need for sex was selfish, but I managed to get her to understand that it was essential to maintaining a marital bond. 

I also learned that she was holding back. Something was getting in the way of her loving me with all her heart. Turns out, it was the way I behaved toward my kids. When I lost my temper, it was a huge turn-off. So I stopped losing my temper. I stopped being irrational. Easier said than done, sure, but when you have to do it to save your marriage, you figure it out.

Ever since, things have been fantastic. Not perfect--nothing's perfect. But much better. She's been much more intimate, not just sexual, but just generally physically loving. I constantly tell her how much I appreciate it, and she admitted that she's not even really mindful of it, she's doing it without thinking. By making myself a better man, she is feeling more in love with me than she has in years, and I couldn't be happier.

Edit: I forgot to mention a period where she was hyper-sexual, which I loved, but I later found out she was just faking--doing it in an effort to keep me around; it was a period just after her learning of my EA, AKA the biggest regret of my life.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Here's the problem with what you prescribe - no real communication. If you're done with this situation, then tell her. No need to wait and then play the "I'll cut you off too" game. Today, tell your wife that you will no longer want to have sex with her because she is only doing it out of a sense of duty. Tell her how you really feel, that you want her to desire you, not feel like this is a chore that she must do for you. Then tell her honestly about how you feel about the current state of the marriage. 

You deserve to have someone who loves you as a husband, not as a friend or as a brother. She needs to know that.

Also, I'd ask her to be honest and tell you when she lost her attraction to you. Maybe an honest conversation will help get things turned around.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have given this sermon in the past. Don't look at the (infrequent) sex in terms of objective quality. If you haven't had sex with your partner for a while it will either be teenager hurry up and finish, geezer try to make it last forever and be disappointed, or otherwise likely awkward for both sides. None of those is conducive to a quality experience. If you expect horny newlywed sex... 

Look for how you and your partner feel afterwards. Did you feel more connected? Something you can build upon? Or is it a checklist item? 

Listen to your heart.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lifeistooshort said:


> And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why a ld spouse can't win. If they make effort it's no good because they must want it like the hd spouse; in other words, they should become hd. But the hd spouse is never asked to become ld, it's understood that they are who they are. Ld doesn't get the same consideration.....she makes the effort three times a week but it's not good enough. So what exactly is a ld to do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, not ask to play Gameboy during foreplay, for one.

The effort isn't in just doing it for the sake of doing it and getting it over with. It's still supposed to be an enjoyable act, even if it means different things to each person.

By not making an effort to actually enjoy it is where so many LD's go wrong.

If I do squat around the house and it pisses my wife off to no end, to the point where she says it's important to the relationship to help out once in a while, then I will do it. I may not be thrilled about it, but I will make the best of it, and eventually it will become something I do not think about, nor resent.

What happens if every time I clean the bathroom, or vacuum, or tidy up the kids rooms I say "There, you happy now?" She is not going to be pleased. Especially if I do a half-assed job of it.

This is how it goes so often with LD spouses. Their "effort" is brought up as some sort of huge thing they are doing and hey, it's enough, so shut up and don't complain, it's what you wanted, isn't it? When in reality, it shouldn't be much of an issue at all. The benefits of making your spouse happy should be enough to not hold it over them like you've been asked to move a mountain.

If my wife likes a clean house and it makes her happy, and I didn't really care if I lived in a pig sty, I wouldn't expect her to go down to my level. Now if she wanted a house that was out of a Martha Stewart magazine, she'd be asking too much of me. Ask me to vacuum twice a week: sure thing. Ask me to vacuum every day: no way.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It always falls back on the unhappy spouse to ask themselves....why AM I with someone who doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. We all wake up with free will, every morning. If you are with someone who doesn't love you or want you or "get you"...you can only look in the mirror for answers. There are reasons we don't leave. Sometimes those reasons aren't "the kids" even though that's what you say out loud.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Because real life is more like Game of Thrones and less like Kramer vs Kramer...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

4x4 said:


> 2 months here....



*Oh dear* 





In Absentia said:


> Last time for me was the 4th of August ...



*^^^You know you're in a sexless marriage when you can remember the calendar date of the last time you had sex.*


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

intheory said:


> *Oh dear*
> *^^^You know you're in a sexless marriage when you can remember the calendar date of the last time you had sex.*


nah, I remember it because we were on holiday...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Personally I go by Presidents :rofl:


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

"Look for how you and your partner feel afterwards. Did you feel more connected? Something you can build upon? Or is it a checklist item? 

Listen to your heart."

Man, this is probably the BEST thing I've read on this site so far. AMEN!!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Cletus said:


> ...
> Seems to me there is a pretty fundamental difference between how enthusiastically I scrub the porcelain and how enthusiastically I engage in the single most intimate act a married couple can perform together
> 
> The toilet just laying there and quietly taking a scrubbing doesn't make me feel all hollow inside.
> ...


Duty or mercy sex is a huge turn off.

There is no enthusiasm.

Hated feeling like a household chore had been taken care off.

Ironic too that a lot of LD spouses are also against their HD spouse taking things into their own hands if left frustrated.

Huge circular trap.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

My wife has referred to it as "just sex" in the past. Since some of our conversations got too emotional & heated, I took the following path. 

I wrote her a letter where I stated what my needs were, along with explaining that to me, it's NOT just sex. I described how much sex bonded me to her. How I felt during & after our time together. At the front of the letter, I told her that I was putting it in letter form so that she would not feel pressured to perform after reading it.

I left it on her pillow to read when she got home from work. 

I also wrote it as there are times I feel like I forget to say certain things, this way I was able to think it thru.

It did make a difference.

Also - read the 5 love languages and both of you take the quiz. By making sure you are speaking her top 2, and her knowing what your top 2 are, can help as well.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

anony-mouse said:


> Married 10 years.
> 
> So a couple of months ago I (30M HD) got into a huge fight with my wife (29F LD) telling her I was unhappy with where I was (as a priority) in the marriage. My biggest gripe was the lackluster sex. We reconciled (I realized that I had just dumped it on her without her having any clue I was unhappy and was being unreasonable). She took lackluster sex to mean I simply wanted more of it. She made an effort, initiating about 3 times a week.
> 
> ...



This is my situation and I hope it helps you.

My wifee of now 15 years, had our 15th year anniversary recently, was pretty much LD from the beginning of our marriage. I am the HD one. This went on and on and I withdrew emotionally due to the lack of sex and she knew this but did pretty much nothing. She isn't a bad woman, quite the opposite actually. I came to TAM and found out about The Five Love Languages Quiz. I took it and had my wifee take it as well, both separately. The results showed I am Physical rating 12 and she is Acts of Service rating 12. That means she would rather please me and I need and want all forms of intimate physicality and sex. We posted this on the fridge as a daily reminder and it made a big difference in our marriage. Instead of sex 1 to 2x month, just to keep the marriage going sex, we now have sex 1 to 3x week. She is passive, so I must initiate because she won't too often. She likes being submissive in the bedroom, missionary, doggie style, etc. She loves to lick and passionately kiss me, her saliva all over me but she hates to have that done back to her, so I never do it. So yes it is one sided sex, mainly for me.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®

Turns out she is very insecure about her size but wouldn't talk about it or doing anything either, because of her insecurity. A vicious circle. So after we took the quiz, she started eating better, correct calories, and has now lost 55+ lbs. New hairstyles, got braces at me pushing her because she's always wanted good teeth and now they are almost finished. New clothes and she feels much better about herself. She even talks to me about the the gym's she is deciding to attend.

But after all these positive changes for her, she is still LD for the most part and sex seems to be just enough to keep me in the marriage. She has never got horny and just jumped on me, sex 1 - 3x that day, toys, oils, talking dirty and all forms of adventurous sex. Just the way she is and short of pre meneopause giving her a sex drive increase and taking supplements, there is nothing we can do.

When hubby and wifee to be are married, they are to take care of each other needs as their own. They are no longer their own anymore and its not what they want all the time either. She knew you are HD. She should of done what had to be done, so she wants and likes sex more often and take care of you, her man, hubby. And if she has more non sexual needs, you do the same. But it is literally 50 / 50 in marriages. You can't have the HD spouse compromising their HD down to LD and still go out of their way taking care of the LD spouses needs. That is not 50 / 50. Then after some years, the HD stops initiating and starts looking elsewhere because they are sexually starved. All this could easily be solved if the LD spouse made the effort to take care of their HD spouses needs, which they should of from day one because they love them and not just emotionally.

Having kids is fantastic and the greatest gift imaginable but don't blame having the kids on the low sex drive and not to want sex. Then why did she have the kids in the first place? Sex drive should be healthy before and after having kids, period.

I always do some chores in and outside of our townhouse every day, 7 days each week and I never let it pile up. My wifee does let it pile up and then gets mad she has to spend 4+ hours on her days off doing chores......:scratchhead:

I've done the ebooks from TAM and you know what, the sex didn't increase much if at all. What got her to change was the quiz, and someone posted the 10 signs of a LD spouse. Both of these I gave to my wifee so she knows were I am coming from, being HD and all.


http://www.getendlesshoneymoon.org/low-libido-10-ways-to-tell-if-youre-with-a-low-libido-partner/


Top 10 reasons for low libido | Health24


There is nothing wrong with being a LD individual. But that LD spouse to be, should be honest with themselves and their hubby or wifee, that they have a low sex drive and don't want sex much at all. At that point, they should not be getting married, be single, lots of friends, and don't get into a serious relationship. LD's must be selfishly honest, instead of getting married, almost the bait and switch, almost enough sex in the beginning to fool the HD spouse so the HD spouse sees no red flags, and then bam, comfy, even kids and true LD self comes out.....


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

intheory said:


> *Oh dear*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hell, I can tell you the dates of the last four times that we had sex, in reverse order:

April 29, 2013 (anniversary)
November 6, 2011 (not sure what the occasion was here)
April 29, 2011 (anniversary)
December 18, 2010 (on vacation)


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