# No More Mr Nice Guy..?



## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I read the book. It's like a biography for me. 95% of it applies to me. I'm 40 and henpecked.
My wife is living with her parents due to more reasons than this. 
In the 6 weeks I've been alone, I've noticed a lot of flaws with me - this being the big one. I have never been assertive with my wife. She, on the other hand, is a control freak. 
I honestly don't know when and how to start setting boundaries.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Get the Book "Boundaries".

There is a workbook also. Do the work.

The book on Amazon

Also don't buy into you having a ton of issues or your wife having a ton of issues. Believe instead that neither of you knows how to act towards what you want.

Now that presents several choices. One is that your actions are inconsistent with your desires and beliefs. That can come from programming during childhood. Another is that you don't really believe what you say or think. That is a much harder thing to explore, and will take a lot of time to understand if you are just absorbing cultural and familial expectations that you don't hold true to you.

It is great that you are doing all of this work, but I sense that you are approaching it from the position of validation for what your wife believes is wrong with you. Which in and of itself is her exerting control over you even when she isn't in the picture. Are you trying to make her right and you wrong, because if that is the case it isn't going to work out for either of you to play the part she wants.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

gearhead65 said:


> Get the Book "Boundaries".
> 
> There is a workbook also. Do the work.
> 
> ...


Honestly it's both.
At first I was claiming to be wrong to validate her leaving. But reading the NMMNG book was eye opening. Yes, a big portion of my issues hangs on my being a "Nice Guy". I have always been a very timid shell of a man. I've always been afraid of conflict, rejection, pain, and fear... Physical confrontation with another man? Turn and run! Something bothering my wife? I gotta fix it because that's what I do! Am I doing something that she doesn't like? Well, I don't have to be selfish and make her miserable, I should just stop doing it so she will still love me.
When we first got together, I wasn't this bad. It was still there, but not to this extent. It wasn't until my daughter was born that I really became her whipping boy. The cycle began... I would be submissive and obedient. She would respect me less, and not be as loving. I'd "try harder". She would respect me less. It got to the point where she couldn't stand that part of me anymore. 
We didn't fight a lot, but when we did it was because of sex or my attempt to reclaim my testicles. As far as sex went, the frequency wasn't HORRIBLE (once a week) but the intensity on her end went down drastically. She stopped doing a lot of the things that I like (that she used to LOVE to do) because she "didn't like doing them anymore". She really liked that I knew how to make her climax 5-10 times per session, but I constantly heard her say "Isn't this good enough?"
She initiated it about 25% of the time, but it wasn't as intense as before... no real passion. A lot of chapter 8 stories rang true in the bedroom.

As far as reclaiming my testicles, I just don't know HOW to do it. She wanted me to. Believe me, she has said it. I didn't understand what she meant. She said to go back to being a man. I asked her if I should start cheating, beating her, staying gone for days on end without letting her know where I was... I was clueless. 
Reading the book gave me inspiration. It really answered a lot of "Why" questions, but it left me with "How" questions. 
Her father is a very independant man. Strong as an ox, strong in spirit, the leader of the family. She wanted a man like that.
She ended up with what I have become. I have never been happy living in fear of everything. I know that I have to relearn a lot of things. I just don't know where to start. She is by nature a controlling person so I have an extra challenge.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Of course she is.

We get much of our emotional nature from the opposite sex parent.

You start setting boundaries with learning a new language.

One that begins and ends with the phrase, "I'm not ok with that"


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

You should also consider reading the "Co-Dependency" article available on this site. Good luck.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

She started reading my emails last night. Figured out my new password. She then told me how untrustworthy and shady I am for changing my password. I asked if she has changed her password since moving out. She said that I am the one that is untrustworthy...
Yeah - 4 years ago I was caught looking at porn. 2 weeks ago she jacked my facebook account and deleted all the pictures of her and I. Wow. I told her that if we were reconciled or if real steps were being made to reconcile by her, I wouldn't need to keep my passwords from her. I'd be an open book. But if she is jacking my facebook then she doesn't need my passwords.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mark72 said:


> She started reading my emails last night. Figured out my new password. She then told me how untrustworthy and shady I am for changing my password. I asked if she has changed her password since moving out. She said that I am the one that is untrustworthy...
> Yeah - 4 years ago I was caught looking at porn. 2 weeks ago she jacked my facebook account and deleted all the pictures of her and I. Wow. I told her that if we were reconciled or if real steps were being made to reconcile by her, I wouldn't need to keep my passwords from her. I'd be an open book. But if she is jacking my facebook then she doesn't need my passwords.


She's reading your emails.

I'm sure she's given you open access to hers.

Hasn't she?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Hacking your email to spy on you? Erasing pics of you and her on Facebook? Accusing you of all her wrong doings? 

Yeah, she's having an affair and projecting all her guilt on you so you'll deal with her emotions and kiss her ass for hurting you. Seen it myself and about a billion times on TAM. Your solution isn't in some gawd awful self help book that tells you how much you suck for being nice. I f*cking hate that POS book and can recommend tons of great books that will allow you to be both assertive and get what you want while being a "nice guy". Your solution lies in breaking the spell that woman has on you and realizing she's the one that needs some f*cking help. 

Think about it. How many times in your marriage has she censored your anger or other feelings because she didn't approve? How many times did you let her push you into doing something you said "No!" to because she tugged at your heart strings or b!tched until she got her way. How many times did you let her get away with hurting you and show her nothing but unconditional love in return? 

You don't need this retarded book, you just need to tell her "I'm not going to put up with this anymore" and give her the divorce she wants. Trust me she will not be happy with or without you because it seems to me she was miserable with herself long before you two married. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to come back in the future to hoover you or make a bunch of ridiculous demands you must meet in order to keep her. By then you'll have your testicular power back and be able to command respect from her. And if that doesn't ease your mind just realize you will have to see her to co-parent your daughter so don't even worry about the paperwork divorce.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Hacking your email to spy on you? Erasing pics of you and her on Facebook? Accusing you of all her wrong doings?
> 
> Yeah, she's having an affair and projecting all her guilt on you so you'll deal with her emotions and kiss her ass for hurting you. Seen it myself and about a billion times on TAM. Your solution isn't in some gawd awful self help book that tells you how much you suck for being nice. I f*cking hate that POS book and can recommend tons of great books that will allow you to be both assertive and get what you want while being a "nice guy". Your solution lies in breaking the spell that woman has on you and realizing she's the one that needs some f*cking help.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input, but I am pretty convinced there was no PA. There was no time. We have mutual friends and family at her work. She was always home with the kids or at work.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Mark -

You sound very much like my soon to be ex husband. He, too, has been reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and others. He avoids all conflict and backs down if he thinks he is in the wrong. AND it has caused my to lose all respect for him.

My advice? Keep doing what you are doing. Read the books, do the work, maybe go for counseling. Give her some space. Don't beg, don't plead, don't cry. Be strong. Set your boundaries. Decide what is the most important thing in your life. What is worth fighting for? You might also read the book Hold On to Your Nuts. My husband read it and so did I. It is all about deciding what is the most important thing to you, the one thing that is non negotiable...and fight for it!

I really do feel for you. I feel for my husband and the fact that I have no respect for him because he is such a "nice guy". I wish that wasn't so. Maybe if your wife can understand what you are going through, she will admit she feels for you too.

Quote: ""She said to go back to being a man. I asked her if I should start cheating, beating her, staying gone for days on end without letting her know where I was... I was clueless.""

My husband has said these exact words. Did your parents have a good relationship? Was your dad this type of man? That what my husband saw growing up and that is why he is totally afraid of that now. But, that's not what makes a man a man. And I think you know that now.

Biggest advice from the other side? You can't just talk the talk....you have to walk the walk. If you say you are going to make changes, do it. But make sure you are doing it for YOU. Not just because she wants you to.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

ku1980rose said:


> Mark -
> 
> You sound very much like my soon to be ex husband. He, too, has been reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and others. He avoids all conflict and backs down if he thinks he is in the wrong. AND it has caused my to lose all respect for him.
> 
> ...


There has been improvement between us. The wall that she put up is slowly coming down. The first counseling session with the psychologist is Thursday, but I have IC with him this Tuesday. I am going to bring all this up. I have tried to establish boundaries before, and I failed miserably. There is a way to do it effectively and lovingly. I tried the "brute force" method with subjects that she had a firm grasp over (kids, telling HER to do something, etc) not setting boundaries in which I actually could have some control. I have done this a few times with small things, and it has gone over well. I'm optimistic about R. But now, I need to make sure I don't start forming expectations and time tables in my head, or else I could do more damage to this R and my own mentality.


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