# Success stories



## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

I have posted my story before, really not that uncommon on these boards, having a once very intimate and close relationship with my wife, now feeling like a stranger for some years. Lack of intimacy will do that to you, of course. My wife has withdrawn emotionally and physically but seems happy enough in the marriage.

We don't have the closeness we had when we were intimate but that doesn't seem to bother her. No more kids in the house and married just over 20 years. My wife was never LD earlier in the marriage but has been now for some years. I continue to feel that it is not the primary reason for lack of intimacy in our situation. 

Others have commented on my situation and that really is not the primary thing I want to discuss in this thread. I know that ultimately I will want to move on and I will give my wife an ultimatum. She has dropped out of counseling before and I will insist on going to counseling if she wants to stay married to me. I think it is important for her to hear from an independent source (i.e. a marriage counselor) how important intimacy is to the emotional health of a man. Of course, she has heard that from me but her response is, "That is the man's view." I don't think she withholds sex out of spite but she just does not get how it makes me feel. No matter how often we talk about it, it just does not get through how unhappy I am. I cannot feel loved without the intimacy. 

My wife has had a series of health problems which may have contributed to her lack of desire but the lack of intimacy began before the health issues so there is much more to it than that. Because of the current health issues, I have waited on insisting that we go to counseling again.

Here is my question and I may have asked it before: Are there any LD women who have, for lack of a better term, seen the light and become regularly intimate again with their husbands when they were faced with the ultimatum of divorce or separation? Did this ultimatum concern them enough to make changes that were lasting? 

This problem seems so common and I see a dearth of success stories on here. Perhaps those who do have improvement see no need to spend time on these boards. That is something I have considered. But if someone has seen success or knows of other situations that have greatly improved in this area, I would love to hear of it and I am sure many others would as well.

I am a good husband and I would like to stay married. But I could not stay in my situation forever. The time will come where I will have to say to my wife that we need to really work on our marriage together, that counseling is needed for the both of us, and that the alternative is for us to go our separate ways, painful as it will be. I would like to say that my wife loves me but only at that time will I know for sure.

Thanks for reading and I would love to hear from those who have seen success.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

There are some success stories here and there, but they rarely come about as a result of threatening divorce.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> There are some success stories here and there, but they rarely come about as a result of threatening divorce.


What results in success then? Without the threat of loss, some women (and men as well) will not take action to elicit change. I realize that divorce is the "nuclear option" but when all else has been tried, what is left but to give an ultimatum? It is my belief that some people just will not change without it. If the unhappy partner has tried everything else, I think divorce is preferable to infidelity or just living in misery. I think threatening divorce must be an option that is on the table in these types of situations. How else will the LD spouse understand the gravity of the situation?


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Married but not happy said:


> I have posted my story before, really not that uncommon on these boards, having a once very intimate and close relationship with my wife, now feeling like a stranger for some years. Lack of intimacy will do that to you, of course. My wife has withdrawn emotionally and physically but seems happy enough in the marriage.
> 
> We don't have the closeness we had when we were intimate but that doesn't seem to bother her. No more kids in the house and married just over 20 years. My wife was never LD earlier in the marriage but has been now for some years. I continue to feel that it is not the primary reason for lack of intimacy in our situation.
> 
> ...



My H and I are not quite a success but a work in progress.

What motivated me was really wondering if my marriage was going to make it. My H had expressed his need for sexual intimacy for a long time but it wasn't until I really thought I was going to lose him that I started looking into how I could fix it.

This sounds really horrible, so much time wasted, but that's what it took.

He didn't technically give me an ultimatum but I knew he was unhappy and I realized it would eventually lead to him leaving or cheating.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> My H and I are not quite a success but a work in progress.
> 
> What motivated me was really wondering if my marriage was going to make it. My H had expressed his need for sexual intimacy for a long time but it wasn't until I really thought I was going to lose him that I started looking into how I could fix it.
> 
> ...


:lol:
That was the type of response that I was looking for. Thank you so much. What did your husband do or say that finally made you realize the pain he was feeling?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Married but not happy said:


> I
> Here is my question and I may have asked it before: Are there any LD women who have, for lack of a better term, seen the light and become regularly intimate again with their husbands when they were faced with the ultimatum of divorce or separation? Did this ultimatum concern them enough to make changes that were lasting?


Hi Married. I'm really sorry to hear that your marriage is struggling.

My husband and I did turn our marriage around after ten years of him being dissatisfied with our sex life. It was after I stumbled across TAM and read about how lack of sexual intimacy affects men that I came to realize that it was one of the reasons we couldn't make any headway on finding happiness together. 

You can read the details in the link in my signature if you're interested, but it's been a year and a half and my drive is as high as if not higher than his. I was HD when we met and for the ten years we dated, but our dynamic changed dramatically after we married, had kids, became home owners, got caught up in job stress, etc. The sex ground to a halt, our intimacy and emotional trust dried up, and there we sat for ten years. 

But I never wanted to hurt him like I now know he was hurting. Once I came to understand that he needed a happy marriage before he could be a happy man, I immediately took the plunge. All the work I've done on myself has been met from hard work from him, too. Together, we've built a whole new marriage that is better than it ever was. 

I don't really have any advice for how to help you regain intimacy with your wife again. If she is not deeply unhappy, and if she is not aware that you are so deeply unhappy that you are emotionally detaching, then she doesn't have much motivation to look to work on things. 



Married but not happy said:


> I am a good husband and I would like to stay married. But I could not stay in my situation forever. *The time will come where I will have to say to my wife that we need to really work on our marriage together, that counseling is needed for the both of us, and that the alternative is for us to go our separate ways, painful as it will be. * I would like to say that my wife loves me but only at that time will I know for sure.


The time is here. Talk to her if you haven't already. Talk to her AGAIN, if you've not done it recently. Make sure she knows that you are drifting away with each passing day.

In the meantime, work on yourself. Since she isn't communicating with you about why she's lost attraction for you, perhaps some changes that you make will crack the ice. I think that is partly what happened for my husband and me. He had detached enough emotionally that he started to focus on himself a little more, and that actually gave me the breathing room I needed to do what he had repeatedly asked me to do--take a sincere look for my missing libido.

I know the stories on TAM can be very doom and gloom. Many of the men here in sexless marriages waited beyond the point of bitterness, and are so altered by their bitterness, that they are unable or unwilling to effectively work on themselves or their marriages. Don't wait--do everything you can to communicate your fears that this lack of intimacy will lead to the demise of your marriage. At the same time, try to make her understand that your need for intimacy comes from your love and desire _for her_--not for just sex in general, but for sex _with her_. I believe that some women just don't "get it" when it comes to this. I know I didn't.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Married but not happy said:


> :lol:
> That was the type of response that I was looking for. Thank you so much. What did your husband do or say that finally made you realize the pain he was feeling?




He started retreating from me. He never really said anything, He started to do things on his own, he stopped calling me on his lunch break, that sort of stuff. I started wondering if he/I would be happier apart, I started thinking about what that would be like. 

That is where I think I changed, I can't imagine my life without him.

That motivated me to try to change but it was TAM that made me realize I could actually pull it off. 

Reading the threads here is what really made me see that my husband was normal and he didn't have an unrealistic idea of sex. I don't think I fully understood until reading here.

One thing I want to mention is that even after I realized that I had to try to change, I did not actually think it was possible for me to give him what he needed. I felt completely broken.

Do you think it's possible your wife doesn't feel like she can do it? It's a really hard feeling to live with.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> One thing I want to mention is that even after I realized that I had to try to change, I did not actually think it was possible for me to give him what he needed. I felt completely broken.
> 
> Do you think it's possible your wife doesn't feel like she can do it? *It's a really hard feeling to live with.*


This is so, so true--and a sentiment that does not always fly well here on TAM. 

Not having the sexual attraction you once had for your husband, and not being able to summon it no matter how hard you try is a pretty frightening place to be. You feel so helpless. 

I'm in no way belittling the isolation and pain that the husband feels, but when a woman knows that her husband only wants the real deal--to be fully desired by his wife, just as he desires her--but she cannot locate that desire . . . well, as I said, you feel helpless and start to shut down yourself. 

The simple answer would be for the LD wife to communicate ths to her husband . . . except that she instinctually knows how damaging it is to express the "I love you but not in that way" feeling. That's not something you can ever un-say to your spouse. So you keep on waiting, hoping . . . and he keeps on waiting, withdrawing. 

Horrible, horrible circle to be caught up in.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> This is so, so true--and a sentiment that does not always fly well here on TAM.
> 
> Not having the sexual attraction you once had for your husband, and not being able to summon it no matter how hard you try is a pretty frightening place to be. You feel so helpless.
> 
> ...


l

Thank you, Albertamom and GettingIt. I find your responses on this thread more helpful than any others I have been on, at least for my situation. GettingIt, I find your last paragraph to be very powerful. It is something that I have thought of. My wife says she loves me and I want to believe her but there is no intimacy anymore. She has never given me an explanation and maybe she is afraid to say she does not desire me in that way anymore.

I would not leave a marriage for lack of sex but for a lack of love. The problem is that a man's most important emotional need is physical intimacy. When it is denied, it is hard to feel loved.

I don't have any answers but I enjoy hearing different perspectives.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

everyone may not like to hear me say this, and I hated to believe it myself, but I think 95% of the time, the whole LD/HD idea is really not accurate. I really believe that the issue is almost always what each spouse has to offer to the other. Offer her something she cannot and does not want to turn down and the issue of LD is over and done. I know....it is MUCH easier said than done, but it is true and the root of most of our HD issues in relationships. I followed advise from this site, and read books recommended, and BOOM...after 18 years of living as the HD with what I thought was a LD spouse....I realized it was all about me not offering something of interest. Hard to maintain....and it hurt me to really realize it, but damn it is amazing to learn when it works...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Married but not happy said:


> l
> 
> I would not leave a marriage for lack of sex but for a lack of love. The problem is that *a man's most important emotional need is physical intimacy. When it is denied, it is hard to feel loved.*


Question. The statement in bold - doesn't the lack of sex equate to a lack of love?

Isn't showing that you don't have love for your husband on some deep level?

It's most definitely a breaking of marriage vows.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

snerg said:


> Question. The statement in bold - doesn't the lack of sex equate to a lack of love?
> 
> Isn't showing that you don't have love for your husband on some deep level?
> 
> It's most definitely a breaking of marriage vows.


Yes, I agree and that is what I am struggling with. It is not just the lack of sex that hurts so much but what it represents, which for most men would mean a lack of love. But it can be more complicated than that as some of the responses are showing. But I do generally agree that for a man a lack of physical intimacy will make him feel unloved and cannot be compensated for in other ways.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

There are success stories but most men don't listen to the advice they are being given becuase most of the advice involves doing something and most people just want to say things and expect the other person in their marriage to change.

Read this post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/230682-suggested-plan-uninterested-wife.html .

And yes, your wife MUST KNOW that you will not stay in a non sexual marriage. You can make this known in a variety of ways.

This is a process. Divorcing is the ultimate end result if after you do many things according to a determined plan, that you find out your wife is just not suitable to be your wife. But rarely would it need to get there.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

My husband and I have found success. However, I never told my husband that it was his fault and that he should never want sex. Never told him I was completely cutting him off and had no intention of trying to fix it. Did I completely understand his side? No. He didn't understand where I was at either. We both assumed the worst intentions from the other. 

We did have a tough five to ten years of struggling to figure out how to mesh our sexualities. It was a lot of hard work. A Lot Of Hard Work! From both of us.

I don't know how anybody would find success with a spouse who refuses to try and fix the problem, or refuses to admit that there even is a problem😥.

Would a threat of divorce have forced me to have more sex? Maybe temporarily but without working at our core problems the sex difficulties would have just kept coming back. Would the threat of divorce force me to look at our issues seriously? maybe. We never got to the threat stage. Lots of hurt, resentment, and anger though. A threat of divorce may have shoved me into the it's hopeless, I can't fix this mentality.

Sorry for everybody struggling with this, on either side. It isn't a good place to be.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but not happy said:


> What results in success then? Without the threat of loss, some women (and men as well) will not take action to elicit change. I realize that divorce is the "nuclear option" but when all else has been tried, what is left but to give an ultimatum? It is my belief that some people just will not change without it. If the unhappy partner has tried everything else, I think divorce is preferable to infidelity or just living in misery. I think threatening divorce must be an option that is on the table in these types of situations. How else will the LD spouse understand the gravity of the situation?


True that it takes the possible loss of something so the attempt to save it is initiated. Sometimes the other might agree completely and the D is started. Sometimes the unhappy partner should accept the other for who they are. We all change over time. Either accept(for better or for worse) and or D.

Yes, D in my opinion, will beat out infidelity as the answer. As far as living in misery. Although we all like to believe our significant other is our happiness all day and all the time the reality is sometimes they can't be. Ultimately your happiness depends on you. You and only you choose to stay in the misery. You also have the ability to make the best of it. 

The spouse may never really grasp the dire situation. The spouse might when put under duress. I do not believe the duress should happen until the as many attempts to right the listing ship are attempted. Even then the initiation of the D and final outcome should be civil IMO.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

consider me another success story. 

i didnt threaten divorce though. i told my wife that i would withhold all the things that make her feel loved if she continued to withhold the things that make me feel loved. and i was dead serious. i also told her that i would start cutting things out of our lives if we didnt start spending some enjoyable time together. things like computers, internet, smart phones. you know, all of the things that distract us from time spent together. 

so, she started talking to me about how to get into her pants. she told me which buttons to push, and i started pushing the right buttons. 

divorce would have had to come from her. either we would BOTH be happy together or we would BOTH be miserable together. or we would be apart. but we would not be unbalanced anymore.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

What if you ask your wife if she would be willing to try to increase her sexual desire, not just for you but for herself as well? This has been working really well for me.

I wanted to mention that even though I had no desire to have sex with my H, I still loved him. I didn't have a higher agenda, I just lost my libido.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

albertamom3 said:


> What if you ask your wife if she would be willing to try to increase her sexual desire, not just for you but for herself as well? This has been working really well for me.
> 
> I wanted to mention that even though I had no desire to have sex with my H, I still loved him. I didn't have a higher agenda, I just lost my libido.


if that works, i say go for it. 
didnt work for me, but everyone is different.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> True that it takes the possible loss of something so the attempt to save it is initiated. Sometimes the other might agree completely and the D is started. Sometimes the unhappy partner should accept the other for who they are. We all change over time. Either accept(for better or for worse) and or D.
> 
> Yes, D in my opinion, will beat out infidelity as the answer. As far as living in misery. Although we all like to believe our significant other is our happiness all day and all the time the reality is sometimes they can't be. Ultimately your happiness depends on you. You and only you choose to stay in the misery. You also have the ability to make the best of it.
> 
> The spouse may never really grasp the dire situation. The spouse might when put under duress. I do not believe the duress should happen until the as many attempts to right the listing ship are attempted. Even then the initiation of the D and final outcome should be civil IMO.


I agree with most of this but not all. It is true that you must be active in choosing happiness for yourself. But you cannot let your partner off the hook. Being deprived of physical intimacy will make a man feel unloved. If he feels unloved by his partner for a long period of time, he will feel miserable. At least I would and often do. Divorce is preferable but I agree it should be a last resort and civil. It is tough deciding when to give up.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Success story here, brief recap:
1. cleaned up my side of the street, became the best/sexiest version of myself possible
2. had the his needs/her needs conversation and did my best to meet all her needs and asked her to meet mine
3. mild progress but no breakthrough
4. attempted to wait her out, see how long until she initiates, epic fail because she can go forever and seemed happier which pissed me off even more
5. stopped meeting her needs, this was intentional and designed to de-stabilize things and it really did she was not so happy anymore
6. had The Talk, explaining I would not live a celibate life in marriage. the options were
a) we reconcile and live a happy marriage meeting each other's needs
b) we live as parents/roommates only and each meet our own needs (including outside the marriage)
c) we divorce

She chose A and it's been 8 years of a good marriage and sex 2X per week. I could go on about the mechanics of actually restoring our sex life, but this all came after The Talk, that was REALLY the all-important decision and commitment to continue.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A success story is predicated upon the LD spouse having much to lose materially or emotionally in case of a divorce.

Very early in my marriage I bought a starter home in a starter neighborhood. Then a better semi-custom home. In both of those neighborhoods many women worked and we saw lots of cases of divorces and cases where one or both spouses 'let go' and stayed for the kids only. I also saw a lot of my kids friends parents and it was the same. Both parents too busy to stay ahead to play the "Honey I'm home" routine. 

Then we built our dream McMansion and you better believe the difference it made. Virtually all are executive dad homes and moms that do their absolute best to make sure they're not traded in for next years model.... Do you think there's more LD's in groups one and two or in group three??


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

tommyr said:


> Success story here, brief recap:
> 1. cleaned up my side of the street, became the best/sexiest version of myself possible
> 2. had the his needs/her needs conversation and did my best to meet all her needs and asked her to meet mine
> 3. mild progress but no breakthrough
> ...


I like this approach, it seems the most sensible to me. Some pressure needs to be placed on the LD spouse. It does not need to be a straight out ultimatum but there needs to be a sense of possible loss.

If you think your partner does not love you, it is better to leave. But if there is a chance that your partner may love you, then it is better to apply some pressure because your partner may not want to give you up.

A common problem seems to be that a woman often does not seem to understand the biologically driven need for a man to experience physical intimacy in order to feel love. Many women just don't get this. It may not speak well for man's nature but it is true. I am paraphrasing Dennis Prager in "When a woman isn't in the mood" (google it).

So what is a man to do when his only moral outlet for intimacy is his wife and she refuses? Tommyr has the right approach, I think. I am glad to hear his story is a success.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i like to think about the destabilize thing as balancing the marriage. when one spouse isnt happy because the other is not doing something that communicates love to them, they reciprocate an equal amount of love. 

since most people like to feel loved, its much more gratifying to put forth the effort to do things that communicate love than it is to stop having it communicated to them. 

there is one catch... if they dont understand WHY the love has stopped, and how to get it back, it wont work. so that part HAS to be communicated clearly.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> i like to think about the destabilize thing as balancing the marriage. when one spouse isnt happy because the other is not doing something that communicates love to them, they reciprocate an equal amount of love.
> 
> since most people like to feel loved, its much more gratifying to put forth the effort to do things that communicate love than it is to stop having it communicated to them.
> 
> *there is one catch... if they dont understand WHY the love has stopped, and how to get it back, it wont work. so that part HAS to be communicated clearly*.


This is key.:iagree:


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Success story here, but I am the female and he was/is the LD one.

I don't have time to go into huge detail right now but in a nutshell the sex dwindled over years and as it dwindled all sorts of other resentments crept in. I don't know whether the chicken or the egg came first, now. Can't remember.

Anyway I eventually lost interest in sex with him and even if he had initiated (he never did) I would not have wanted to. Had a totally dry patch of over 3 years. Then I cracked.

I had let myself go, so I lost weight and smartened my act up. That had no effect on him. So I proposed divorce and was quite prepared to go. Even looking forward to it.

Turns out he loved me (truly, I was not sure!) and I realised that I still also loved him, so we decided to give it a go. He has ED so got viagra.

The best thing we did, though, was not to wait until we felt sexy before trying to have sex. We would have waited forever - at the beginning it felt really weird. But we plugged on and things got better.

Things are still not great in the bed department, and never will be due to a general mismatch and his ED. But they are OK and we both feel loved and wanted. We get on way better now than we have for years.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

tommyr said:


> Success story here, brief recap:
> 1. cleaned up my side of the street, became the best/sexiest version of myself possible
> 2. had the his needs/her needs conversation and did my best to meet all her needs and asked her to meet mine
> 3. mild progress but no breakthrough
> ...


This was pretty much the approach I took, too. Unfortunately it came about after I had downloaded divorce papers. When my wife said she didn't want to divorce I told her that three things had to happen:

1 - We had to go to marriage counseling. She hated talking to others about our problems (even professionals) because she refused to acknowledge that our marital issues were two sided.

2 - A "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" had to be restored. Not "sex". I can get that anywhere.

3 - Issues we had in the past needed to be put aside (at the advice of counselors). We start fresh and work on progress going forward.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> This was pretty much the approach I took, too. Unfortunately it came about after I had downloaded divorce papers. When my wife said she didn't want to divorce I told her that three things had to happen:
> 
> 1 - We had to go to marriage counseling. She hated talking to others about our problems (even professionals) because she refused to acknowledge that our marital issues were two sided.
> 
> ...


Did this approach work? It is encouraging to see some of the success stories here. I like what people are doing, simply pointing out that the present situation is intolerable and lack of improvement will condemn the marriage to divorce. It seems like the pressure being applied is working in some cases. The LD partner is starting to take some responsibility for the pain in the marriage.

I want to take the approach mentioned here and I plan to do so. My wife has health problems right now and I feel the need to wait a bit. But I am encouraged by the stories I am hearing.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Married but not happy said:


> Did this approach work? It is encouraging to see some of the success stories here. I like what people are doing, simply pointing out that the present situation is intolerable and lack of improvement will condemn the marriage to divorce. It seems like the pressure being applied is working in some cases. The LD partner is starting to take some responsibility for the pain in the marriage.
> 
> I want to take the approach mentioned here and I plan to do so. My wife has health problems right now and I feel the need to wait a bit. But I am encouraged by the stories I am hearing.


It did work, but again with my wife resisting counseling divorce was inevitable. You don't want to play the divorce card if you're not going to use it. I was ready to use it, but not just for lack of sex but for other issues in our marriage.

Remember that lack of sex is a symptom of other things going sideways in a marriage. In counseling these things come out if everyone is open and honest. I saw things that my wife needed and addressed them. She, in turn, addressed my needs.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

_Married but not happy_:

Your user ID seems to have a built in assumption. 

I'd think it would be more appropriate to say "_Married and not happy_".

But maybe that's just me.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> It did work, but again with my wife resisting counseling divorce was inevitable. You don't want to play the divorce card if you're not going to use it. I was ready to use it, but not just for lack of sex but for other issues in our marriage.
> 
> Remember that lack of sex is a symptom of other things going sideways in a marriage. In counseling these things come out if everyone is open and honest. I saw things that my wife needed and addressed them. She, in turn, addressed my needs.


This is exactly how I feel. It is encouraging that your approach worked.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

lenzi said:


> _Married but not happy_:
> 
> Your user ID seems to have a built in assumption.
> 
> ...


No, I don't assume that being married means one has to be unhappy. However, if my situation improves I definitely will want to change my user ID.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Success stories*



tommyr said:


> Success story here, brief recap:
> 1. cleaned up my side of the street, became the best/sexiest version of myself possible
> 2. had the his needs/her needs conversation and did my best to meet all her needs and asked her to meet mine
> 3. mild progress but no breakthrough
> ...


I did these steps but not in this order. Looking back, tommyr did it in the order I should have gone in, and it probably would have hastened our process. 

But I tend to be emotional, so I led with the ultimatum in a moment of impatience. Learn from me; do not do that...



Our marriage was essentially dead, and with hard work from both of us, we are now lovers again.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Success stories*



Married but not happy said:


> Did this approach work? It is encouraging to see some of the success stories here. I like what people are doing, simply pointing out that the present situation is intolerable and lack of improvement will condemn the marriage to divorce. It seems like the pressure being applied is working in some cases. The LD partner is starting to take some responsibility for the pain in the marriage.
> 
> I want to take the approach mentioned here and I plan to do so. My wife has health problems right now and I feel the need to wait a bit. But I am encouraged by the stories I am hearing.


MBNH:

You need to stop looking at it as intimacy and/or sex, and start looking at it as her willingness to please you and meet your needs.

Then the conversation becomes very simple.

"Are you as willing to be as committed to meeting my needs as I am to meeting yours?"

And if she starts to debate why intimacy is so important to you, tell her that we choose our own needs.

"And since we are going down the path of telling each other what our needs ought and ought not be, I think it's important for you to need passionate sex three times a week. Or do we want to go back to choosing our own needs?"

Don't ever let her marginalize your needs. If you do, it will be successively more dificult each time you try to approach it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Married but not happy said:


> No, I don't assume that being married means one has to be unhappy.


Your user ID suggests that you assume the opposite.

You are unhappy despite the fact that you're married.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> MBNH:
> 
> You need to stop looking at it as intimacy and/or sex, and start looking at it as her willingness to please you and meet your needs.
> 
> ...


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Your user ID suggests that you assume the opposite.
> 
> You are unhappy despite the fact that you're married.


Well, I think that you misunderstand me. In spite of my situation (15 years of a happy marriage followed by 5 years of unhappiness in the same marriage), I don't think that unhappiness in marriage is inevitable. I am also not cynical about marriage. I know too many people in long, happy marriages to feel that way. 

I am simply married but not happy (not unhappy because I am married). I am not happy because my partner does not seem to understand or care about my needs. I don't think my ID makes any assumptions at all. It just describes how I feel.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Success stories*



Married but not happy said:


> farsidejunky said:
> 
> 
> > MBNH:
> ...


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Married but not happy said:
> 
> 
> > Good. Now what are you going to do about it?
> ...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Success stories*



Married but not happy said:


> farsidejunky said:
> 
> 
> > Oh, I know I have to do something. I started this thread because I wanted to hear some success stories and there have been some. I appreciate hearing how you and others have improved your marriages and I will take a similar approach. Right now, my wife has some acute health issues. I am looking for the right time and I will take an approach much like tommyr took.
> ...


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Married but not happy said:
> 
> 
> > Bull shyte. Yesterday is about the right time to start improving yourself. That is what he meant by cleaning up your side of the street.
> ...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Married but not happy said:


> I don't think that unhappiness in marriage is inevitable. I am also not cynical about marriage.


Right. Your username, with the 'but' implies that you naturally assume marriage=happiness. Otherwise it would be Married AND not happy vs Married BUT not happy.



Married but not happy said:


> I am simply married but not happy (not unhappy because I am married).


Again, my question was, or still is, why aren't you Married _and_ not happy?



Married but not happy said:


> I don't think my ID makes any assumptions at all. It just describes how I feel.


Well it describes that you are unhappy _despite_ the fact that you are married. It's interesting that you used the word "but" in your user ID yet you fail to see the significance of having done so.



Married but not happy said:


> I know too many people in long, happy marriages to feel that way.


That's unusual. Most people I know are either divorced or unhappily married. It's been my experience that it's the rare couple that goes the distance. Don't make the mistake of thinking that what a couple shows you on the outside is really what's happening on the inside. The divorce rates say otherwise.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Right. Your username, with the 'but' implies that you naturally assume marriage=happiness. Otherwise it would be Married AND not happy vs Married BUT not happy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I guess you and I just see things differently. I am not making assumptions and I do not think that marriage=happiness.

As far as your other statement, of course I know many people who are divorced or in unhappy marriages, including in my own family. But I also have many friends in happy marriages. I am not cynical about marriage, in spite of the fact that my own marriage is not going well. I do not think divorce is inevitable in most marriages. Every situation is different. I do not know what will happen in my situation but I do know that the first 15 years of my marriage were the happiest years of my life, and if I did divorce, I think I would look to marry again.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Here are the 21 suggestions for success: by Jackson Brown Jr.

*Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.*

Work at something you enjoy and that's worth your time and talent.

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Be forgiving of yourself and others.

Be generous.

Have a grateful heart.

Persistence, persistence, persistence.

Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.

Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.

Commit yourself to constant improvement.

Commit yourself to quality.

*Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect.*

Be loyal.

Be honest.

Be a self-starter.

Be decisive even if it means you'll sometimes be wrong.

Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.

Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.

Take good care of those you love.

Don't do anything that wouldn't make your Mom proud.


21 Suggestions For Success


It is not our spouses job to make us happy... That is our responsibility...However, It can be miserable when we are married to a person who is unwilling, for whatever reason, who shows no affection, nor desires it....and worse of all, sees nothing wrong with it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i disagree with the two statements in bold. 

happiness is something that only we can experience for ourselves, and it comes from us. friends, family, and spouses can all betray us and take away happiness if we let them hold it.

so i choose to be happy for no reason at all. you cant take that away.


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