# Help with teenage daughter stealing from us



## JoeRockStar

Our 17 year old daughter has been stealing from us for the past year. She will ALWAYS deny it despite being caught redhanded. I think the total dollar amount is close to $4k right now.

Last night my wife baited her, she left her pocketbook on our bed with a bank envelope sticking out of the top that had $140 in there. Not 10 minutes later, there was only a $20 left in there. We confronted her and told her we had set her up. Despite there being NO possibility of anyone else taking it, she continues to deny it. Not only that, she's being mean and indignant!

I think we are at least partially to blame because we didn't severely punish her in the past, basically only slaps on the wrist. Not this time. Her cell phone is being shut off, her gym membership is being cancelled, she no longer has ANY use of the family cars, and she is no longer to be in the house without one of us at home (thankfully this is feasible since my wife doesn't work).

Has anyone gone through this? Any suggestions? I'm afraid that she's going to take her theft habit outside of our home and wind up in jail, although maybe that will wake her up. It's incredible to think what this kid is throwing away over this, we were going to buy her a new car this summer but no way, no how after this.


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## that_girl

Have you thought that maybe she's doing drugs? Friends of mine in HS would steal from parents to fuel their cocaine addiction. You say your daughter is being mean,etc...drugs is a possibility. Not one you want to think about but if my 13 year old was stealing from me, that's the first thing I'd think.

Also, does your daughter work? It's summer...did she have a job!? I had jobs in the summer from 15 to 17 and my senior year worked a couple hours after school and still kept my grades high (graduated with honors). Kids that age NEED an income for all their crap...and she should be paying for her phone, gym membership, etc...or at least helping.


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## that_girl

You enable her too much. Buying her things, paying for things. She's 17. In a year she'll be an adult. She has to learn the value of a dollar and right now she doesn't.


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## MWD

Clear out her room. Leave her with a sleeping bag and a dresser. If she has a cell phone, take that as well. Make her get a job. Make everything dependent on her behavior. Make her accountable for everything. Let her know she is about to be an adult and it is time to act like one. Have her start looking for another place to live. 

-MWD


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## costa200

That's a lot of money! Where did she blew those 4k$? Do you know?


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## JoeRockStar

that_girl said:


> Have you thought that maybe she's doing drugs? Friends of mine in HS would steal from parents to fuel their cocaine addiction. You say your daughter is being mean,etc...drugs is a possibility. Not one you want to think about but if my 13 year old was stealing from me, that's the first thing I'd think.
> 
> Also, does your daughter work? It's summer...did she have a job!? I had jobs in the summer from 15 to 17 and my senior year worked a couple hours after school and still kept my grades high (graduated with honors). Kids that age NEED an income for all their crap...and she should be paying for her phone, gym membership, etc...or at least helping.


I know she smokes some weed, but I'm 99.9% sure that's it. We have had very candid conversations about this so I don't think that's the problem. I think it's simply used to fuel her lifestyle, she likes to go to concerts, movies, out to eat with friends, and of course shopping.

She is actually working 2 jobs right now, she works 2 nights a week at an ice cream shop and 2 weekend nights as a hostess at our friend's bar/restaurant. She doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of $$'s though.


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## JoeRockStar

MWD said:


> Clear out her room. Leave her with a sleeping bag and a dresser. If she has a cell phone, take that as well. Make her get a job. Make everything dependent on her behavior. Make her accountable for everything. Let her know she is about to be an adult and it is time to act like one. Have her start looking for another place to live.
> 
> -MWD


Agree with clearing out her stuff and holding her accountable, but I'm very hesitant to kick her out, she is my daughter after all. I made mistakes growing up and thankfully my parent's didn't kick me to the curb.

Her college is already pre-paid through a state program, I would hate to see her throw her life away and not take advantage of the benefits we can provide her. Many kids don't have the financial means to go to college, we're glad we can provide that for her.


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## that_girl

SO she has a job but steals from you as well.

I would highly question drugs. Weed can be costly, but normally it's not too bad. But...her 'meanness' threw me. 

My brother was 17 when he started cocaine, heroine and some other crap. His attitude was bad too AND he was stealing all the time.

If she was my child, I would talk to her that I have probable cause to think she's doing harder drugs than weed. I would also have her take a drug test. But that's just me. I won't have an addict living in my home.

Also, she has jobs..plural...and yet you were still paying her phone and gym? Oye. Is she responsible for anything?


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## JoeRockStar

costa200 said:


> That's a lot of money! Where did she blew those 4k$? Do you know?


We know she spent a LOT of it on her ex boyfriend. He was very manipulative. He lives with a couple of deadbeat friends in an apartment and they can barely get by, I'm sure she's paid his rent a couple of times. She also bailed one of his buddies out of jail. Thankfully they are no longer together.


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## JoeRockStar

that_girl said:


> SO she has a job but steals from you as well.
> 
> I would highly question drugs. Weed can be costly, but normally it's not too bad. But...her 'meanness' threw me.
> 
> My brother was 17 when he started cocaine, heroine and some other crap. His attitude was bad too AND he was stealing all the time.
> 
> If she was my child, I would talk to her that I have probable cause to think she's doing harder drugs than weed. I would also have her take a drug test. But that's just me. I won't have an addict living in my home.
> 
> Also, she has jobs..plural...and yet you were still paying her phone and gym? Oye. Is she responsible for anything?


She only gets mean when we confront her, otherwise she's pretty stable and happy.

My wife had spent a lot of time with her over the last month and she thought they were finally bonding well. She's understandably devastated over this.

Like I said, we've had very candid conversations about drugs. I'm no saint in that regard, have been down that road years ago so I know the signs to look for in an addict. She's really not showing them. Pot's not cheap nowadays and knowing that brat, she smokes the good stuff lol.

We wanted her to save her work money towards a car, we were going to chip in so that she could get something decent instead of a piece of junk. No way we're doing that now.


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## JoeRockStar

that_girl said:


> You enable her too much. Buying her things, paying for things. She's 17. In a year she'll be an adult. She has to learn the value of a dollar and right now she doesn't.


I have to agree, thanks that_girl. It stops now.


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## MWD

JoeRockStar said:


> I know she smokes some weed, but I'm 99.9% sure that's it. We have had very candid conversations about this so I don't think that's the problem. I think it's simply used to fuel her lifestyle, she likes to go to concerts, movies, out to eat with friends, and of course shopping.
> 
> She is actually working 2 jobs right now, she works 2 nights a week at an ice cream shop and 2 weekend nights as a hostess at our friend's bar/restaurant. She doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of $$'s though.


Nor should she make a heck of a lot of $$ right now. I can't imagine she has a lot of skills. If she does not get the message that life is what you make it, she will not survive well when she is out on her own. It is time to cut the purse strings and have her earn things on her own. Not only will it make her feel better about herself, it will give her some ethics. 

Taking away all of her possessions will upset her, but it will also ground her. I would also have her start volunteering at a place that feeds homeless people so she can have some appreciation for what she has. 

-MWD


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## that_girl

Well, I hope it's not drugs. Pot is expensive these days? How expensive? $120? that's what she took from the envelop...no? well, everything she has, unless bought with her work money, is YOURS. take it back. Put it away. And I'm glad you cancelled her phone and gym. She'll have to get them set up in HER name. I had a phone in my name at 17...a landline, but still LOL!


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## MWD

JoeRockStar said:


> Agree with clearing out her stuff and holding her accountable, but I'm very hesitant to kick her out, she is my daughter after all. I made mistakes growing up and thankfully my parent's didn't kick me to the curb.
> 
> Her college is already pre-paid through a state program, I would hate to see her throw her life away and not take advantage of the benefits we can provide her. Many kids don't have the financial means to go to college, we're glad we can provide that for her.


It is hard to do it, but they call it tough love for a reason. We recently had to do the same for my stepson. He had a sense of entitlement that astounds me. But that came from years of him getting something for nothing and huge doses of undeserved praise. 

It is not kicking her out. It is giving her an opportunity to change or suffer the consequences. She is stealing from what I assume what you work hard to earn. That is unacceptable on a level that is unimaginable to most people. If you do not put a halt to it now, you will end up having to bail her out of jail some day. 

My stepson was sent to his aunts to live after his terrible behavior just after he turned 17. He is now having to learn some of lifes lessons. He has to pay his own way. After a couple years of hearing from the family on how we were too strict with him, they learned quick that letting him pave his own path only led to him failing two classes in just a few months time. I am hoping this little journey for him leads to a productive senior year in high school It was not an easy decision, but having a household suffer from his actions was not fair to the rest of the family. We didn't kick him out of the house, we gave him a choice. He chose to leave. 

If you continue to let her run your house, she will continue to do so. If you let her steal, she will continue to do so. If I were you, I'd have caught her on tape and called the law. Let her sit in jail. She will hate you now, but love you later for it. We knew our son was smoking weed, but drew a hard line of having illegal drugs in our home. When we caught him, I called the police. I just wish they had taken him to jail for the weekend. Unfortunately that did not happen. I think it would have done him a lot of good. A consequence free life will only lead to more deviant behavior and more sense of entitlement. 

-MWD


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## FirstYearDown

I don't understand the North American compulsion to spoil and enable kids. 

This kind of sh!t could never happen in the West Indies.


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## that_girl

FirstYearDown said:


> I don't understand the North American compulsion to spoil and enable kids.
> 
> This kind of sh!t could never happen in the West Indies.


It doesn't happen in my house either!


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## Corpuswife

My daughter is newly 18 and out of the house. 

Her last year (17) was horrible. It will continue to escalate if you don't set down hard rules and stick to them.

I suspect drugs. Sorry, but my child "only" did marijuana until she had a car accident and almost killed herself 3 months ago. Then the tests, at the hospital, came up with cocaine and alcohol as well!

My daughter can't live with me until she obeys the rules. I think she rather be homeless, sleeping on couches then live with me. My rules are simple. For her they are not!

When the pain outweighs the pleasure is when they come to their senses.


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## JoeRockStar

Shutting off her phone definitely had the desired effect! She called my wife from her friend's phone freaking out. She tried her best to make my wife feel guilty by saying things like "so you don't want to be able to contact your own daughter?", "I'm packing my stuff and leaving, I don't want to live in a house where I'm accused of things I didn't do", and "how am I supposed to get to work if you won't give me your car? Don't you care that I'll get fired??"

Told my wife she needs to stick to her guns, us wavering is what got us to this point. I also had her take my daughter's laptop and DSLR camera and hide them, she's going to tell her that we're selling them to pay back some of the money she owes us.

Hoping and praying my kid comes to her senses soon.


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## that_girl

DO NOT CAVE TO YOUR DAUGHTER'S MANIPULATION! :nono:

But you did good.

Just agree with her. "Yes, maybe you should pack your bags." "Yes, I worry you will get fired, but that's your problem." "People didn't have phones just 20 years ago and the kids were fine." 

remind her you love her, but that you won't tolerate this nonsense.


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## that_girl

And in all that's in me, request that she take a drug test.

I'm serious. I've seen this go down many times....in my family and friends. Now with some friends' kids.


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## MWD

JoeRockStar said:


> Shutting off her phone definitely had the desired effect! She called my wife from her friend's phone freaking out. She tried her best to make my wife feel guilty by saying things like "so you don't want to be able to contact your own daughter?", "I'm packing my stuff and leaving, I don't want to live in a house where I'm accused of things I didn't do", and "how am I supposed to get to work if you won't give me your car? Don't you care that I'll get fired??"
> 
> Told my wife she needs to stick to her guns, us wavering is what got us to this point. I also had her take my daughter's laptop and DSLR camera and hide them, she's going to tell her that we're selling them to pay back some of the money she owes us.
> 
> Hoping and praying my kid comes to her senses soon.


If I copy and pasted her comments to my wife, she would swear it was our son. 

-MWD


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## that_girl

HA! I think kids/teens have the same script! Just like cheaters do. lol.


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## papa5280

Key question....will you and your wife be on the same page? Or will one of you give in on your daughter's accountability? If you undermine one another, it will drive a wedge between you and will give your daughter ample opportunity to hone her manipulation skills.


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## EleGirl

JoeRockStar said:


> I know she smokes some weed, but I'm 99.9% sure that's it. We have had very candid conversations about this so I don't think that's the problem. I think it's simply used to fuel her lifestyle, she likes to go to concerts, movies, out to eat with friends, and of course shopping.
> 
> She is actually working 2 jobs right now, she works 2 nights a week at an ice cream shop and 2 weekend nights as a hostess at our friend's bar/restaurant. * She doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of $$'s though.*


Isn't that one of life's early lessons? That working at low level jobs does not afford a good lifestyle. So it gives incentive (or should) to get training, job skills, and education ... something.

I can think of some things that would lead to her behavior...

1) She is doing drugs. Get her drug tested.

2) She feels cheated in life. A lot of people who steal do so because of this. They feel cheated so they take what they feel they deserve. She needs an attitude adjustment. Many kids who grew up with a lot of 'stuff' think they are owed this. They freak out when they get old enough to work and realize that this life style is not free--- they need not work for it.

3) She has no respect for her parents (you). Again she needs an attitude adjustment.

Is she still in high school?


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## EleGirl

My daughter did this at about the same age.

At 17 my step daughter graduated from high school. She was stealing for me (money from my purse) and doing drugs. We have her the option of going to rehab and counseling or moving out. She moved out. She said her friends had told her that she had mean parents and they would take care of her.

She spent a couple of years moving from one friend's to another's.. each kicking her out when they got tired of supporting her. She did have jobs on and off but she never paid rent, utils etc at her freinds.

So she found out that even freinds will not support you. 

She's learned some hard lessons because she was one of those kids who had to burn her hand on the stove to believe that it really was hot.

She's back living with me now and going to college. We are getting along great, she helps around the house and pays her way, she does not steal from me.


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## papa5280

EleGirl said:


> My two daughter did this at about the same age.
> 
> She's back living with me now and going to college. We are getting along great, she helps around the house and pays her way, she does not steal from me.


I'm really glad to hear your story. 

My 17 year old boy was stealing from me and freely admitted smoking pot. We went through a lot of psychological counseling for him over the past 4 years, and he became a master manipulator. The past year (not coincidentally IMO, the same period when his mom, my STBXW became a WAW), he became belligerent and threatening. I gave him an ultimatum...lose the pot (I bought about 50 pee sticks for random testing), or find another place to live. 

He moved in with a friend of his with an enabling mom, passed school for the spring, and I've only seen him a couple of times over the summer. The funny thing is I know he's working harder around their house than he ever would have considered around here. I also am pretty sure my STBXW is paying rent for him, but I've told her that I will not participate in enabling his bad behavior any more.

I've made it clear to him that I will be here for him if/when he decides he wants a different kind of life, and that I hope he reaches that point before he's dead or in jail.


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## EleGirl

Papa,

Sometimes our children have hard lessons to learn. If they have to go somewhere else to learn them, so be it.

Even my daughter did leave I did pay for a cell phone and kept her on my health insurance. I wanted to know if she was still alive. I did not call her because the deal was that I did not want to see her again until she had her act straight. But I would check her cell bill and see that she still alive and who she was talking to.

I kept her on the insurance because if something serious happened to her of course I would not refuse her medical care.

it's also not a good thing when parents will not work together. If his mother is paying his rent, that just puts off him hitting bottom and starting to see that he has some responsibilities in life.


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## papa5280

papa5280 said:


> I'm really glad to hear your story.
> 
> My 17 year old boy was stealing from me and freely admitted smoking pot. We went through a lot of psychological counseling for him over the past 4 years, and he became a master manipulator. The past year (not coincidentally IMO, the same period when his mom, my STBXW became a WAW), he became belligerent and threatening. I gave him an ultimatum...lose the pot (I bought about 50 pee sticks for random testing), or find another place to live.
> 
> He moved in with a friend of his with an enabling mom, passed school for the spring, and I've only seen him a couple of times over the summer. The funny thing is I know he's working harder around their house than he ever would have considered around here. I also am pretty sure my STBXW is paying rent for him, but I've told her that I will not participate in enabling his bad behavior any more.
> 
> I've made it clear to him that I will be here for him if/when he decides he wants a different kind of life, and that I hope he reaches that point before he's dead or in jail.


I don't mean to hijack the thread, but I wanted to post a follow-up on my 17 YO son's situation. Apparently, he's not currently living with a friend, but is living with my STBXW and her sister 40 minutes away. Their house has no TV (not part of their new lifestyle), and he's going nuts without his friends or anything to do. (poor guy!)

So, he called and said he wants to talk about possibly coming home. I told him we can talk.

It may be a short conversation. I'm going to tell him that here are (still) my requirements:

1) He needs to be pot free...with random tests whenever I see a need.

2) He needs to not steal from his 14 year old sister or me.

3) He needs to be respectful of my property and of me.

4) He needs to stay in school and pass his classes.

These are all non-negotiable, and, really, are setting the bar as low as it can possibly go. 

From a power standpoint, I'm really in the best possible position. If he refuses, then he still has a place to live, so he can't threaten me with legal issues. He tried calling the cops on me about 6 months ago, because I wouldn't let him in the house after he stole from me. He expected me to go to jail. He was shocked, SHOCKED, when he spent the night in the Juvenile Assessment Center (sort of a pre-juvi facility). Also, since I've gone dark with him, he knows that I'm not begging him to come live with me. In fact, things have been quite nice without the drama.


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## Lon

My brother stole from our parents and me too, it was for drug money.


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## kindi

She's got that sense of entitlement that most teenagers seem to have nowadays. They're selfish, self centered, they know everything, certainly more than their parents, and they don't appreciate anything we do for them.

She steals and justifies it because well, frankly she deserves it! You brought her into this world, she didn't ask for that and therefore whatever she can take from you is hers.

Yeah, take away all her stuff, and next time you set her up, ask yourself exactly what you're trying to prove and don't bait her with so much money and set up a surveillance camera, but even then, when confronted with videotape hard evidence, she'd probably just say "I was borrowing it" or "so what who cares if I take some money". She obviously doesn't care about being caught, if she did she'd be more careful and maybe would have only taken $20 or $40 out of the envelope.

You don't have to prove something to her she already knows, and you don't have to prove it to yourself either, so when you think about the logic, all you accomplished was that you handed her another $120 bucks.

Next time leave an empty pocketbook on the table with a mousetrap inside of it and listen for the "Snap!"


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