# I can't stop crying :(



## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

I'm so sad at the inevitable loss of my husband and my marriage. The other night we talked about the "logistics" behind separating and I felt a whole lot less fearful about the change... now I'm just incredibly sad. 

I feel like I made all these assumptions about how our lives would progress (buy a house, have kids, travel, do fun things) and slowly began to realize that he didn't want any of those things... Now that my "bubble" has been burst, I feel better moving in the direction that honours me and my dreams, but it doesn't take away the sadness of separating. 

Is anyone else in the same place at the moment? Or been there done that and have some words of wisdom for me? Thank you all for your help!


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I havent been in your specific scenario but have felt loss and the sadness/depression that comes with it.
Only time will heal this wound.

My only, and best, advice is to go out there and be active. Join a gym or a boot camp and start to look forward to something. Physical exercise can do wonders for the mind/body and soul. Work out your frustration/stress physically 

Goodluck


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

im so sorry. i have no words of wisdom, but i will share this story in my life.

once upon a time i was in love and in a relationship, but the woman i was in love with had become distant and was acting strange.
i sensed something was wrong.
she would travel back to indiana several times a year and live with me when she was here. we had had a huge fight a few months before, but didn't actually break up.
she was leaving for her home state in indiana that day. she would be back, but i wasn't sure ow long or if we would be the same when she came back.
she used to keep a lot of her clothes in my apartment, some of them were very sexy, and i found comfort and reassurance in this while she was gone.
so before she left, i checked to see if she was leaving her sexy clothes with me. instead, i saw that she was taking most of them with her for the first time ever.
i had a real horrible, panicky, sinking feeling. 

after i dropped her off at the airport, i stopped a few miles from the airport because i was overcome with sadness. 
ill tell you, never in my life did i feel so empty, so depressed, so hopeless for the future. i had nothing to look forward to. only emptiness.

so, do i know what you're feeling? absolutely. but i can tell you, that eventually i found that rainbow. i think you will too.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> I havent been in your specific scenario but have felt loss and the sadness/depression that comes with it.
> Only time will heal this wound.
> 
> My only, and best, advice is to go out there and be active. Join a gym or a boot camp and start to look forward to something. Physical exercise can do wonders for the mind/body and soul. Work out your frustration/stress physically
> ...


Thank you for your advice! I agree that I need to start planning some new and fun activities. The gym has always been a great way to "distract the mind". I'll definitely get back there soon. I was recovering from an injury so I haven't been in awhile. I can look forward to that at least!


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> im so sorry. i have no words of wisdom, but i will share this story in my life.
> 
> once upon a time i was in love and in a relationship, but the woman i was in love with had become distant and was acting strange.
> i sensed something was wrong.
> ...


Aww, thank you for your kind words and your story! I'm really sorry to hear about you and your ex. That sounds really sad . It's hard feeling "abandoned". How long did it take you to heal? Did you just cry all day?? Haha that's what I'm doing...on and off... and obsessively coming on here and reading articles thinking I'll find an answer that will allow me to stay with him .


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

We wish you well.

Some things just must be. The storm.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> We wish you well.
> 
> Some things just must be. The storm.


Thank you. It means a lot to me. 

My sister keeps reminding me that humans want to avoid pain and so it's natural that I want to keep changing my mind to avoid the pain...but it is inevitable. The pain will come now, or in 5-10 years when I'm childless and resentful.


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## DelicateFlower (Jan 10, 2018)

Yes, oh honey, yes! 
When my rough-draft marriage (1st) ended, I cried and cried until I thought my eyes would fall out. I took ALL the blame on my shoulders (even though he was convinced, and told me to my face, he believed he could be happy with MY BABY SISTER! - and only 3 months after I gave birth to our second son). 

I blamed myself for all of it. 
My dreams of my "ideal marriage and life" were flushed down the toilet. 

What I discovered was:
1. How wrong I was - it takes two to tango. 
2. The universe had far different and better plans for my life. 

Looking back, I simply can't imagine a life with him, as a farmers wife (born and raised a suburban girl), working dead-end jobs. It's like looking back on someone else's life. 

You already are in a far better state of mind than I was with this quote "Now that my "bubble" has been burst, I feel better moving in the direction that honours me and my dreams" - 

If I can give you *ANY* piece of advice it would be *STICK TO THAT, HOLD TO IT, make YOU and YOUR dreams the most precious thing in the world and be willing to defend it to the death if anyone tries to take that away from you. *

I remarried after rough-draft and although I'm living in a beautiful home, making six figures working from home, have a much better life than I ever would have had with rough-draft, in many ways I jumped from the pot into the fire. 
Rough-draft was laid-back, easy-going, self-sufficient and comfortable in his own skin, he was a completely inattentive husband with zero ambition and happy to stay in his little corner of po-dunk Ohio forever. He actually told me once "We're married now, we have more important things to think of than romance". Our love died faster than a goldfish in arsenic. 
In contrast, husband two is ridiculously attentive and loving, tells me ten times a day how amazing I am, how gorgeous I am, how lucky he is to have found me. He refuses to let me do laundry or clean bathrooms and spends massive amounts of time picking up the perfect cards or gifts, BUT he's ridiculously insecure and dependent on me (in all ways but financially - he makes great money). We live in the house he wanted. Drive the cars he picked out. Go on vacation where he wants; depends on me to make his phone calls, take care of his dad, do the finances, do the cooking. He won't even try. I get the third degree if I even want to go somewhere he doesn't. I often feel like his mommy and he's just a little boy afraid of the world. 

I could go on an on, but in two very different ways, I have sacrificed every dream I've ever had for myself, my freedoms, my wishes and wants and at times, my very soul for these two men. 

I wish I was the person 25 years ago that I am today, I would have been extremely discerning about the people I allowed into my life and I would have let nothing stand in the way of living the life I wanted for myself. 

The tears will dry up, sugar. I promise. The branch where that rose was once attached will heal and someday another will grow in it's place. Just make sure it doesn't have thorns and when you look at it, let it be that it's beauty, health and growth are representative of all you are.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

DelicateFlower said:


> Yes, oh honey, yes!
> When my rough-draft marriage (1st) ended, I cried and cried until I thought my eyes would fall out. I took ALL the blame on my shoulders (even though he was convinced, and told me to my face, he believed he could be happy with MY BABY SISTER! - and only 3 months after I gave birth to our second son).
> 
> I blamed myself for all of it.
> ...


Thank you sooo much for your response. You're so sweet. 

I think you're right.. I'm doing the right thing by honouring myself.. I just need to stick to it. And also not let any new relationships cloud my judgement again.

Some people are scaring me though, saying that everyone is getting married now (I'm 27) and the options are scarce. So there is some fear that I've missed my chance but I simply can't reasonably believe that and let that affect my decisions. I live in a big city... I can't possibly believe that there is NO ONE out there that I can spend my life with.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@faithfulwife


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

purplesunsets said:


> Thank you sooo much for your response. You're so sweet.
> 
> I think you're right.. I'm doing the right thing by honouring myself.. I just need to stick to it. And also not let any new relationships cloud my judgement again.
> 
> Some people are scaring me though, saying that everyone is getting married now (I'm 27) and the options are scarce. So there is some fear that I've missed my chance but I simply can't reasonably believe that and let that affect my decisions. I live in a big city... I can't possibly believe that there is NO ONE out there that I can spend my life with.


If it feels like somebody is over selling or underselling life after divorce, they probably are.

27 is still incredibly young. Don't believe the hype.

This is a perfect time for you to dig deep and figure out what you want from life. Then begin to pursue it. The trick is to find somebody who's pursuing many of the same things.

I'm sorry you have found yourself in your situation, but it is also a tremendous opportunity. Make the most of it.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> If it feels like somebody is over selling or underselling life after divorce, they probably are.
> 
> 27 is still incredibly young. Don't believe the hype.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your kind words (and for tagging someone who I'm sure will also say kind words)! 

The bolded part is exactly why I'm in this situation. I guess I didn't know what I wanted or wasn't assertive enough to make it happy.. I was just flowing and ended up flowing with someone who was the complete opposite lifestyle. At first, I thought it was endearing that we were so different. I'm now seeing that the only way for this to go (if I stay with him) is I begin to live his life and lose myself.

Your quote is beautiful by the way... Pain and joy go hand in hand. If I don't take this risk, I may never feel the joys of being with someone who wants to same life...the joys of motherhood and the life I've dreamed of. If I stay, I'll only be avoiding pain, not pursuing joy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't listen to whoever is telling you that. I got divorced after decades of marriage and I still have lots of options. So will you -- more than you can possibly imagine. 

Yes, endings are tough. But new beginnings are great.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

purplesunsets said:


> Thank you so much for your kind words (and for tagging someone who I'm sure will also say kind words)!
> 
> The bolded part is exactly why I'm in this situation. I guess I didn't know what I wanted or wasn't assertive enough to make it happy.. I was just flowing and ended up flowing with someone who was the complete opposite lifestyle. At first, I thought it was endearing that we were so different. I'm now seeing that the only way for this to go (if I stay with him) is I begin to live his life and lose myself.
> 
> Your quote is beautiful by the way... Pain and joy go hand in hand. If I don't take this risk, I may never feel the joys of being with someone who wants to same life...the joys of motherhood and the life I've dreamed of. If I stay, I'll only be avoiding pain, not pursuing joy.


Good. Embrace the pain. There is a lesson in every moment of it, if you'll only listen.

When you are ready to begin , make sure you are looking for compatibility AND character. There is no future without both.

Conversely, don't look for your mirror image, either. 

You are going to be just fine.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

So sorry you are hurting. As my grandmother used to say,"when one door closes, another opens", use this as an opportunity for many new beginnings.

I wish you peace and lots of beautiful joyous experiences in your new path. The future is yours to as you wish.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

purplesunsets said:


> I'm so sad at the inevitable loss of my husband and my marriage. The other night we talked about the "logistics" behind separating and I felt a whole lot less fearful about the change... now I'm just incredibly sad.
> 
> I feel like I made all these assumptions about how our lives would progress (buy a house, have kids, travel, do fun things) and slowly began to realize that he didn't want any of those things... Now that my "bubble" has been burst, I feel better moving in the direction that honours me and my dreams, but it doesn't take away the sadness of separating.
> 
> Is anyone else in the same place at the moment? Or been there done that and have some words of wisdom for me? Thank you all for your help!


The best thing I can tell you is that your husband was not the only avenue to a house, have kids, travel, do fun things. You logically you know that you want to do that with someone who cherishes and joyfully wants to do that with you right? Unfortunately that guy wasn't him. Better to find out before you had kids for instance and he is their with your kids not cherishing it. 

Another thing that helps is really coming to terms with the fact that in life everything ends. No matter what there was going to come a day that your relationship with this man was going to end. Actually coming to terms with ending in life to me is one of the final parts of growing up. You will be facing that fact more and more as you age. It's inevitable. 

The best thing you can do is to consciously discipline your mind to remember that what you are feeling is normal. You were bonded to this man, but also to tell yourself that your life is not over. There is hope for all your dreams still. Think of this pain like chemo. It's part of the process that you have to go through to get better. 

I promise you it will not last forever. You will be happy again, you will have joy again.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You mentioned:
" I guess I didn't know what I wanted or wasn't assertive enough to make it happy."

I think the best thing is that now you are a bit older (27 is STILL very young, but more mature for sure than your 20 y.o. self). You DO know more of what you want, you CAN be assertive now. You can be more discerning as to who you want to be with, what you want to accept in life, etc.. Breath deep, exercise, and learn even more about yourself. You WILL find a better life because you can now define what that life should be (and not just the romance/media dreams, but YOUR dreams).


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

*I can't stop crying 😞*

Mary says I need to stick to the point on the internet.

Don't settle. Don't accept a guy who is only almost perfect. Don't let a relationship keep dragging on because he has some good qualities.

Be unforgiving... before you get married.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My dear.
First of all, 27 is relatively young. Second, as painful as this is, once you have recovered, and seen the world without pain, you will wonder what kept you so long. Go out and make yourself your number one priority. Get involved with your interests. Join groups of similarly interested people. Time and distance is the cure for all of this. I am sure that you will be surprised just how fast life can turn for the better.


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## HK56 (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi, 

I so know what you are going through as I am going through the exact same thing. It is awfully frustrating and lonely but I believe it gets better as soon as we step out of this stupid zone we got so used to being in. 

I feel so sad as well and can relate to your bubble bursting. I pictured a long marriage with my husband but he pictures it differently, I don't want kids and travel and all, I want my dreams realised and a joyful existence. You should stick to your dreams and wants and need as well. I always tell myself the sun always shines behind the clouds. 

I also would like to add that I almost feel like I am grieving for the loss of my marriage, and I think its a healthy process to go through....not sure you are experiencing this too?!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

27 is sssooooo young. This is going to be a blip on your radar before you know it. Tend to your own needs, be strong, your gonna make it !!!!


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

If you didn't feel this way it would mean something is wrong with you.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

HK56 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I so know what you are going through as I am going through the exact same thing. It is awfully frustrating and lonely but I believe it gets better as soon as we step out of this stupid zone we got so used to being in.
> 
> ...


Totally! It feels quite similar to when my grandmother died. The bargaining is a bit easier though because I can actually bargain with the person . The process isn't as linear though... I jump from being really sad (last night, cried all day until I made myself sick..ugh) to acceptance (a few days ago), and then bargaining again. I hate that I keep asking him "Do you think you might change your mind?".


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> If you didn't feel this way it would mean something is wrong with you.


That's comforting.. but at the same time, does it have to be so intense? It also feels silly because I know _I _am the one inducing the pain. You know, if this were something that just happened to me, it would be painful, but there wouldn't be the doubt and the reluctance to go through with it. I think that's what's making it more painful...that I might be making a mistake.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

*Re: I can't stop crying 😞*



WilliamM said:


> Mary says I need to stick to the point on the internet.
> 
> Don't settle. Don't accept a guy who is only almost perfect. Don't let a relationship keep dragging on because he has some good qualities.
> 
> Be unforgiving... before you get married.


Haha. Hi, Mary!

I think it'll be a new challenge for me to see things in a more logical way... I tend to romanticize and ignore what doesn't fit and exaggerate what does.

I guess it's because I can't fully distinguish what makes people compatible or not. When I first met my husband, I thought we were very compatible.. even throughout our marriage I thought this way.. the only things that were incompatible: our future dreams and goals, and the way we communicate love. We also don't like the same things but we enjoy each other's company.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

I had my first marriage fail at 35, spend 12 years together and everything I did was geared towards us being together in the future, trying to make her happy and not doing what I wanted to do, I lost the future I had planned but worse for me I felt like I lost the past, the way it ended destroyed every happy memory i thought we had and left me feeling like I had wasted over a decade that I can never get back.

I met a new girl after my divorce and 8 months in still going strong, she loves my children, we are best friends, like the same activities, both adventurous and unlike my previous partner I dont feel like I need a break from her, anything I want to do she would enjoy also and add to the experience rather than take away from it.

You have a few years to find yourself again, make new future plans and still have time for children, just start living your life and everything will fall into place.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

MovingForward said:


> I had my first marriage fail at 35, spend 12 years together and everything I did was geared towards us being together in the future, trying to make her happy and not doing what I wanted to do, I lost the future I had planned but worse for me I felt like I lost the past, the way it ended destroyed every happy memory i thought we had and left me feeling like I had wasted over a decade that I can never get back.
> 
> I met a new girl after my divorce and 8 months in still going strong, she loves my children, we are best friends, like the same activities, both adventurous and unlike my previous partner I dont feel like I need a break from her, *anything I want to do she would enjoy also and add to the experience rather than take away from it.*
> 
> You have a few years to find yourself again, make new future plans and still have time for children, just start living your life and everything will fall into place.


Okay, your words honestly made me feel so much lighter. Hearing your story just gave me hope. Thank you so much.

To the bolded part, wow... I feel like you just put into words I couldn't really express. This is how I feel. Sometimes when we do something I like to do, I can sense he'd rather be at home and it kind of kills it for me. So I end up doing almost everything alone or with friends. I think I enjoyed this for awhile because I feel independent... I would judge couples who had to do _everything _together. I think there should be a nice balance of separate fun and together fun!

Thank you again for sharing your story. I'm so happy to hear you've found someone you are more compatible with .


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

*I can't stop crying 😞*



purplesunsets said:


> Haha. Hi, Mary!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Those are two pretty big things.

I guess back in the sixties when my wife and I were teenagers marriage was about family, having children. We heard that a lot. 

We actually had to swear we were both capable of bearing children on our marriage license application in 1973. If not, they would not grant the license to marry.

About communication.

If he fails to communicate love to you in a way that satisfies you, and you don’t consider that to be a big thing, we need to make sure you keep posting.

This is my opinion.

That is a big, huge, humongous thing. The fact you accept it’s not shows you don’t value yourself highly enough. You need to know, in your heart, absolutely and as surely as you know anything, any man who claims to love you must communicate that love in the way you want and need.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

*Re: I can't stop crying 😞*



WilliamM said:


> Those are two pretty big things.
> 
> I guess back in the sixties when my wife and I were teenagers marriage was about family, having children. We heard that a lot.
> 
> ...


It's true... I don't know why I don't feel worthy of love. I have no idea why my confidence can be so low in regards to relationships and love, but so high in other ways (success in work, school, growth etc). My husband and I were actually talking about our future partners (in a light-hearted, joking because this situation sucks kind of way), and I imagined him having NO PROBLEMS finding wonderful women to date... I pictured endless women lining up to be with him. Then I said that I'd probably find one date with a man who doesn't work and wants to talk about robots for the whole time.. I'm not sure why the image came to mind. 

I feel like I can recognize my great qualities. I know I'm kind and beautiful and very smart....but... I still don't believe I'm worthy of love?

Hmm.. that's huge. I've never really verbalized (or written) that before.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Excellent.

Robots!

Pretty funny. I have spent time talking with my wife about robots. But she doesn’t talk much at all, so I find things to talk about.

Robot wars! The ones where students build robots and send them into the arena autonomously to live or die as a test of engineering skills. I think Mary actually found it kinda fun.

Yes, I got the feeling you undervalue your own worth. Somehow that needs to be fixed. You definitely are worthy of the best guys, and being loved correctly. Guys have to treat you right.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The longer you wait the harder it is to let go.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@purplesunsets, what has HIS reaction been to separating? If he is still closed and not talking, wow. Not sure what else could possibly kick him in the ass to talk with you. You should just say to him, you either need to talk now, or you won't be able to since I won't be around. See what he says to that.
If he says nothing, then just tell him, well I guess that says everything and that you don't care. Bye.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> @purplesunsets, what has HIS reaction been to separating? If he is still closed and not talking, wow. Not sure what else could possibly kick him in the ass to talk with you. You should just say to him, you either need to talk now, or you won't be able to since I won't be around. See what he says to that.
> If he says nothing, then just tell him, well I guess that says everything and that you don't care. Bye.


Actually, as I reflected, I realized that his behaviour was only part of a larger problem. The main reason I'm pursuing a separation is because he says he doesn't want kids and this will most likely not change. I want kids, and also a totally different life from the one he wants... we have opposite life goals and dreams. That was something that no marriage counsellor or conversation could fix . 

He has been sad but supportive. Crying occasionally with me, telling me it will be hard but it's for the best because he doesn't think his mind will change...he has never wanted kids. 

We just rushed into marriage so we could be together... if we hadn't gotten married, he would have moved back to his country and we would have separated. I don't regret our time together and I love him dearly...but now that it's clear where he stands on the children situation, I need to move in the direction that allows for that if it's meant to be.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@purplesunsets I see everyone pointing out you're 27, I'm 28 so fellow yougin over here! 

Girrrrrrrrrrlllll let me tell you, when I had a break-up, I lurved me some crying! LOL. I'd put some sad jams on real loud and weep the **** out of that crappy relationship. Call my girlfriends all snotty nosed bawling talking about what an ******* he was and how he didn't deserve my sexy ass. We'd laugh our butts off seeing who could come up with the worst nicknames and ways to embarrass him (all imagined!). Make some fake voodoo dolls and sever his ****! Seriously, anything to make light of the situation. Close off with some bad ***** music and I'd emerge from the abyss all pampered and done up and hold my head up high with pride. No way I'd let him see me hurting!

Granted I've never been divorced so this may be a bit too trivial but if you really need a shoulder to cry on, pm me for a pity party!


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> @purplesunsets I see everyone pointing out you're 27, I'm 28 so fellow yougin over here!
> 
> Girrrrrrrrrrlllll let me tell you, when I had a break-up, I lurved me some crying! LOL. I'd put some sad jams on real loud and weep the **** out of that crappy relationship. Call my girlfriends all snotty nosed bawling talking about what an ******* he was and how he didn't deserve my sexy ass. We'd laugh our butts off seeing who could come up with the worst nicknames and ways to embarrass him (all imagined!). Make some fake voodoo dolls and sever his ****! Seriously, anything to make light of the situation. Close off with some bad ***** music and I'd emerge from the abyss all pampered and done up and hold my head up high with pride. No way I'd let him see me hurting!
> 
> Granted I've never been divorced so this may be a bit too trivial but if you really need a shoulder to cry on, pm me for a pity party!


Hahaha, omg your post made me LOL! I love it! I did similar things with my exes. The problem this time is it is amicable so I have all these wonderful memories making me sad. I think my first night on my own, I'll be a cliche... wine, icecream, and really bad movies hahaha. 

Thank you so much for your support! You are so kind!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

purplesunsets said:


> Actually, as I reflected, I realized that his behaviour was only part of a larger problem. The main reason I'm pursuing a separation is because he says he doesn't want kids and this will most likely not change. I want kids, and also a totally different life from the one he wants... we have opposite life goals and dreams. That was something that no marriage counsellor or conversation could fix .
> 
> He has been sad but supportive. Crying occasionally with me, telling me it will be hard but it's for the best because he doesn't think his mind will change...he has never wanted kids.
> 
> We just rushed into marriage so we could be together... if we hadn't gotten married, he would have moved back to his country and we would have separated. I don't regret our time together and I love him dearly...but now that it's clear where he stands on the children situation, I need to move in the direction that allows for that if it's meant to be.


Well it's for the best. You are very young and now have some experience about what you want.


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