# I just want to be happy



## beautygirl1881 (Aug 18, 2013)

And I definitely am not happy being in this marriage  My husband of 10 years is unemployed, lazy, unmotivated and inattentive. I've been unhappy for the last 5 years and almost left him then but found out I was pregnant so tried to make things work. Things have just been getting worse and worse though and now I'm worrying whether the negativity affecting our 3 year old is worse than taking him away from his daddy. That's been my main issue with leaving, and really the only reason I've stayed. Even though he's never actually HIT me, I've called the cops on my husband for putting me in a chokehold, putting me against a wall by my throat, trying to lock me out of our apartment and trying to "steal" our son because we were fighting. I'm not saying he's completely to blame as I haven't been able to stop myself from slapping and name calling when we fight now. I had to get a full time job in addition to my part time business of professional makeup I run so that we can pay rent. I don't think it's fair that I have to pay for my husband who doesnt think he needs to find a job too. And I don't think we are good for eachother, especially now that things have started to become violent. Yet I still feel so guilty because he doesnt want a divorce. He blames me for the failure of our marriage and says I knew how he was when I married him. Yes that is true, but I was only 22 years old and he was 30, I grew up but he has stayed exactly the same.  I just need validation that its ok that I want to leave him


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This turkey is 40, an unemployed father and husband who doesn't think finding a job should be a priority? A "chokehold" is domestic assault as surely as a punch in the face. Depending on the facts, I've been known to write words like "strangulation" in domestic violence reports and charge guys with attempted murder. You're working two jobs to support this abuser and he can't be bothered to even look for one? Of course he doesn't want a divorce. Without you feeding and housing him, he'd have to get a job.


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## beautygirl1881 (Aug 18, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> This turkey is 40, an unemployed father and husband who doesn't think finding a job should be a priority? A "chokehold" is domestic assault as surely as a punch in the face. Depending on the facts, I've been known to write words like "strangulation" in domestic violence reports and charge guys with attempted murder. You're working two jobs to support this abuser and he can't be bothered to even look for one? Of course he doesn't want a divorce. Without you feeding and housing him, he'd have to get a job.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beautygirl1881 (Aug 18, 2013)

I also wonder if I'd actually be any happier alone...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

I worry about your child being raised in a dysfunctional situation like this. If he cannot be raised by two loving parents, then being raised by one nurturing parent in a peaceful environment is better than being raised by two high-conflict parents in a hostile environment.


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## hurt and cofused (Aug 14, 2013)

Have tried talking to and explaining how you feel,do in a very calm way or over the phone.I was a very lazy husband,my wife just left i didnt know where is stood.I decided to do the 180 and now she wants me back,i just wish she communicated with me.The domestic abuse issues are very serious.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The two of you are definitely not healthy for each other right now, and staying together for your child's sake is not a good idea either, as you'll just be teaching him the same patterns. So either work actively on fixing it, or get out. Or get out and work on fixing it. But the two of you right now don't have the tools to deal properly with each other.

C


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I cringe every time I hear the phrase "make this work" because it usually translates to burying your head in the sand and pretending like the marriage isn't crap, then ends with using the kids an excuse to avoid making tough decisions. It's never really done for the kids though, they don't benefit, it's done for the adults that don't want to make tough decisions. I bet if you're honest you'll see that you didn't stick around because you thought it would be good for your child, you stuck around because you were afraid to be a single mother. I know it's scary but having been there myself I can tell you it's doable, esp in your case because your hb doesn't contribute anyway.
e=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

beautygirl1881 said:


> I just need validation that its ok that I want to leave him


Not only is it ok, it would be the BEST thing for you and your son. And yes, you would be happier on your own.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

He needs a wake up call. You need to lay down the law and make him accept his responsibilities or make it clear that divorce is in the future. Right now he can just relax and take it easy, believing that it's not a problem because you have not yet MADE it a serious problem. (I'm sure you've told him, begged him, cried over it, etc. but none of those things make it necessary for him to get off his ass and start applying) You really need to put him in a position that FORCES him to make a decision. Get off your ass, be a man, do what needs done, or get out. Period.

I'm not blaming you for this mess of course, I'm sure you've only done what you felt was responsible for your family and, you love the guy after all, you haven't wanted to push him away or hurt him. Nonetheless, the status quo is unacceptable and will only make things worse for your family, something HAS to change so you have to make it happen, one way or the other. He'll either finally realize the severity of the situation he is in and get up and do something about it, or he'll give up and you'll realize just where you and your child are in his order of priorities. (Somewhere below "Sitting on my ass" and "Playing xbox" I suspect?)

So I'm certainly not saying it is time to give up. It is just time for HIM to get his act together, and if he doesn't after you've made it CRYSTAL CLEAR, then you need to move on.


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