# Can I get some advise on this Ghetto Soap-opera



## Red curls (Aug 6, 2013)

I am new here & hope I am posting in the right section. I feel so lost & alone right now. My head is spinning! 
My Hubby & I got together in 2002. We have 2 kids together ages 8&7. I have a 16 year old daughter my hubs has raised like his own since she was 4. I love him dearly & he is a great father to all 3 kids. What's got me so upset is his parents, money, pills & lies!
His parents couldnt manage a hill of beans & have always mooched money off of their kids, since their kids began working as teenagers. They have lied to us to get money many times & when we dont have any to give them. They bad mouth us & lie about us. I have never nagged him about this, nor have I ever said anything mean to his mom. Over the years Hubby has given his parents our bill & grocery money more than once. I calmly sat hubs down & showed him our monthly budget & explained to him that we can not afford to give them hundreds of dollars a month when they bring home way more than I do. I had a casual chat with MIL about this & she understood, so I thought. Hubs swore he wasnt going to give them any more cash.
Well long story short, we have been falling farther & farther behind on the mortgage (That is Hubby's only household bill) & Hubby never has any money. I have to give him gas money to get to work & go to the doctor.. His mom just had a mild stroke & the family all got together & started talking. Not only was the In-laws milking everyone in the family, they are dealing their pain pills & smoking pot! Whats worse is Hubby has continued to give them money & has even delivered pot to them, in MY TRUCK! Hubs was injured at work 3 years ago & has been on pain pills. Hubs & his parents are a train-wreck! Almost every week, he will tell me he "Lost" money somewhere or he will hide his check stubs & tell me he made $X amount, so he can only make a partial house payment when I find the stubs, the amount is different. 
After years of calmly trying to talk to him, believing him & believing IN him, I shut down. I didnt hardly speak to him, I had refused to have sex with him, I dont trust him! Last week we had sat down & I explained that he was supposed to me MY life partner, my best friend & I am devastated that he has lied to me about so much! He has swore up & down that he will change & try to be a better husband. (Heard it all before~ Nothing really changes)It pacified me for a day or two. The thought of having a happy home again had me on cloud 9!! 
Here's the problem, I dont believe anything that comes out of his mouth, nor his parent's mouths. His (Step) dad is NOT allowed at my house anymore, nor around my kids EVER! Remember the dementia thing, well he almost shot his wife when he was playing with one of his guns & on another occasion, he was swing a knife all wildly inches from my youngest child's face! I flipped out like I had rabies on him & ran his butt off, I was still nice as pie to my MIL!
I have stopped biting my tongue when it comes to his parents & his lies. I do love him, deep down. He just isnt the same person anymore. Neither am I. I am so stressed out, confused & lost. Should I try to stay & fix this? If so how? or should I cut my losses & roll out? Thank you for letting me vent.. Any advice will be greatly appreciated!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

He needs a wake up call in a big way before you make a final decision. I doubt he realizes how dire the situation is, or how serious you are about it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This is bad! I think I would take the children and leave. Your children don't need to be exposed to all of this. Besides, if he isn't making mortgage payments, how much longer can you stay in the house? Make a list of your grievances and present it when you leave. It will then be up to him to reform.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

What are you getting from your spouse bedsides lies and problems? What is a good reason to stay? Don't say because he's a good father because he has put you and the kids in danger. Does your husband also have a drug problem?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red curls (Aug 6, 2013)

Yes he does have a drug problem. When we got together, We both drank every weekend & I was on Doctor Rx Benzos. When I got pregnant, I quit everything. He stopped drinking. One week after our youngest child was born, hubs was injured seriously at work & was put on vicodin. Its been down hill from there. After 2 more injuries {He is a heavy equipment mechanic} he is now on Rx Percocet. He is only suppose to take 3 a day, but he eats them like candy. He has even handed me his bottle before & told me to only give him his 3 a day & hide the rest from him. That didnt work. I am NOT his Momma, nor his "Warden"! I was raised that all relationships should be "At will" & I should not have to control/manage/babysit a grown man.

As far as reasons to stay... I cant think of any valid ones. Maybe it comes down to this Co-dependency thing I have been reading about on this site. 
I worry that if I leave, he will end up dead or in jail & my kids wont ever forgive me.. Good Gawd, It seems that I have more issues than just a simple relationship problem!!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Well that's the thing, you are trying to protect him while he is not protecting you and the kids. He's an adult and you can't control him. There is a great book called "the new codependency" I suggest you read it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red curls (Aug 6, 2013)

Thank you, I am looking for it now. Hope I can buy the download for my E reader. Thats a lot faster than driving to the store or waiting on it to arrive in the mail!!!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yep, I'm sure there is some codependency at play. It also sounds to me like he really isn't that bad of a guy, he's just fallen into some bad habits and behaviors that he has been enabled to maintain, whether through your support or lack of a willingness to force him to stop. Certainly I'm not saying his problems are you fault. When a person we love starts to slide into a bad behavior, it starts slow and I think we tend to not want to make a big deal out of it and rock the boat, which starts that enabling process and it's tough to get out of. I'm willing to bet that he really has no idea how dire the situation has become for you and how angry/hurt you are by it all.

Ultimately I think most guys, when finally faced with the true understanding of how damaged the relationship has become, will choose to do what it takes to change and save the marriage. That is, as long as they don't have other issues that are much harder to control like alcohol/drug/porn addiction, physically abusive, gambling, etc. The pill popping certainly could be a problem, but at least it sounds like he realizes it is indeed a problem, because that is probably half the battle. I think you really need to write these issues down and then spell it out in no uncertain terms that you are unhappy, that his behaviors have become 100% unacceptable to you and you will not put up with them any more and that you are ready to hire a lawyer to pursue divorce. That might sound aggressive, but if you are really at the point of pursuing a divorce, what is there to lose? He needs that punch to the gut to wake his ass up so that he can actually make a decision as to which direction he wants to take and then do what is necessary to prove it if he decides affirmatively that you mean more to him than his unhealthy behaviors.


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## Red curls (Aug 6, 2013)

You are right CD, he isnt a bad guy. I know that his bad habits arent my fault, the same way that I dont blame him for my bad habits. I am just frustrated & hurt right now. Before I go running to a lawyer, I am going to read these books I have been hearing about on this forum. We have never been to MC, I have been to individual therapy in the past for my issues from my childhood. (Psychically & sexually abused) Please understand that I am not trying to blame him for where we are now & how I feel. Regardless if we can fix this or not, we both have issues & we both have allowed it to get this far. I will never bad mouth him to the kids, or to anyone for that matter. I just want to be happy again, I want my kids to be happy & healthy & well adjusted. I have hid/down played his addiction to the kids, by telling them that daddy is hurt & has to take the pills the doctor gives him so he can get better.
I am done lying to myself & to the kids. I am done accepting his lies & covering for him. 
I am hoping that these books & some therapy can give me some perspective & help me to decide what to do & how to proceed with it, in a manner that will minimize the negatives effects on the kids. 
I am so grateful that I have found this site & all this info. I was feeling so lost & alone! Thank you all soooo Much!!!


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