# He is being so defensive



## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Ok so the hubby just got home a few days ago on r & r from afghanastan..the first night i tried so hard to be civil & take him to dinner to talk as adults about his affairs.
Wow was i wrong..he started to belittle me,telling me that since i caught him how mean,withdrawn, and how i can't move on and forget the past.
I asked why he still wont open up,and admitt what he did.he told me that i already knew what he did so why do i need to ask him questions about it,that he has changed & wants us to stay together.so when i asked him how can we try to get pass this when all he does is lie to me and hide the details.
I told him i had the seperation papers for him to sign,i felt that i would be better off alone then dealing with a serial cheater who continues to hide.he blew up on me started yelling at me..tells me that i'm so consumed by his affairs i cant see the new him...
Ummm--how can i ?????..


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

He's deflecting by putting the focus on YOU instead of having a mature conversation about what he did. Don't fall for it, he can and should be held accountable, be willing to openly discuss things and be transparent if he really wants this to work.

Sorry he's being like that. You deserve a partner who is willing to actively work on regaining your trust and restoring your relationship...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Honey, he can't see that you're a human and are entitled to process your feelings in a marriage on your own time. My H did this to me too. He wanted me to shut up about it. He said that we couldn't move on because of ME. I could forgive an affair, but I could not condone the way he treated my legitimate feelings about his affairs and indiscretions and other abuse that he admitted to. You re doing the right thing by separating. It's so ironic we send our men to places like that to help the women, then they come home and expect us to behave like because our homes aren't being mortared, they're not being destroyed. That's BS, a cheating lying husband who wants you to rugsweep is the worst land mine you could put in any home, American or not.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your husband is a piece of work.

You're a lovely woman who any soldier would die to get home to. Cannot understand a man who wouldn't be happy to see his own wife.

I know if I came home from overseas after a long deployment there would not be any dinner or going out ...my wife wouldn't escape the bedroom! Ha ha...

It's heartbreaking how little he values you. You deserve better. You are doing the right thing separating.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, keep your cool. Your feelings matter...you know it, we know it, but that guat doesn't know it.

Too bad for him. He just doesn't want to talk about his problems...so he devalues yours.

Lame. File the separation papers, and even though you may be falling apart inside, just remain calm. You matter.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay...on the one hand, he made a HUGE, horribly embarrassing choice and was caught red-handed. Anyone in that position would probably wish for forgiveness and a new start. If you had done something horrible, you wouldn't want it held over your head forever, right? So about .01% of what he's saying has a tiny piece of truth to it. 

The other 99.99%, however, is bull and I'll be first to throw the B.S.Flag :bsflag: See, when someone has done something horrible and they are truly sorry for it and have truly changed, you know what happens? They act DIFFERENTLY. (See that? Different = change. Same = not change.) This article might give you an idea of what real change would look like: When to End the Consequences Stage.

I can testify as someone who was once disloyal, and now sorrows a righteous sorrow, that the first things you'll see that's different is that the cheater will take responsibility for what they've done. That is to say, they won't say "Well I did it because you X, Y or Z" but rather "I made the choice to be unfaithful and I knew better. It was my decision, and I chose to do it. What may or may not have been going on with you is irrelevant--I am responsible for what I chose to do." 

When you see THAT kind of ACTION from him...it's real. "Til then, he's trying to get you back in line.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

str8insane said:


> Ok so the hubby just got home a few days ago on r & r from afghanastan..the first night i tried so hard to be civil & take him to dinner to talk as adults about his affairs.


Okay. Your emotional position is understandable.



str8insane said:


> Wow was i wrong..he started to belittle me,telling me that since i caught him how mean,withdrawn, and how i can't move on and forget the past.


You can expect that. He wants to salvage whatever is possible.
Stay ground.



str8insane said:


> I asked why he still wont open up,and admitt what he did.he told me that i already knew what he did so why do i need to ask him questions about it,that he has changed & wants us to stay together.so when i asked him how can we try to get pass this when all he does is lie to me and hide the details.


Honestly, what you should be doing is expect his remorse. Communication plays a key role. Add to that is the location, timing and the comfort levels.....

You can break his lies, if you want to. This depends on your perseverance.

Also the amount of truth he is going to tell you depends on your power in the relationship equation. 

Ensure you have all those.




str8insane said:


> I told him i had the seperation papers for him to sign,i felt that i would be better off alone then dealing with a serial cheater who continues to hide.he blew up on me started yelling at me..tells me that i'm so consumed by his affairs i cant see the new him...
> Ummm--how can i ?????..


Take a considered decision.


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