# Help!



## woundedwife (Jun 5, 2015)

Been married for 3 years. Our relationship has always been kind of rocky. We never have "small" fights, they're always huge ones where he blames me for everything that is wrong in our relationship, he says that I am the one that started the fight-all the time, and he always calls me names or threatens to leave me and "go somewhere". We have been together for a total of 7 years. I used to think our relationship was great, but when I look back on it now, I start to question why I have even stayed this long. I should also mention that he gets mad at me for the most trivial things. Like if I were to buy new underwear, well I must be cheating on him then because who needs new underwear. He also watches the gas gauge and the odometers in our vehicles and he'll ask me what I did all day or how I managed to use "so much gas". He's very manipulative and is almost an expert at gaslighting. He had managed to break me down and get me to pretty much be his slave for about 6 years. But here lately my eyes have been opened and I have started doing things on my own and becoming independent again. He HATES it. He gets mad when I don't ask him to help me with everything, even something as simple as carrying a laundry basket. He tells me "well you just want to do everything on your own anyways, you don't even need my help." Also, if any of you know what pinterest is, he has it on his phone and so do I. He's constantly pinning quotes about what a terrible person I am or how I treat him like crap, or how his life sucks. I pretend like I don't see it because I don't want to draw attention to it. He's also cussed me out in front of my mother. PLEASE help me! Any advice is welcome, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like we are past the point of fixing this, and that we might as well call it quits.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm not trying to be funny, but next times he leaves tell him not to come back. Then change the locks. If he wants to continue the relationship tell him it's mandatory marriage counseling.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

He is a "grown man" with a Pinterest page for passive aggressive nasty quotes about you? I'm sorry but if that were not so very sad, it would be hilarious. 

He is abusive by your description and needs therapy, lots of good therapy.


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

It sounds to me like your husband is abusive. 

I think you need to start looking at information about emotionally abusive relationships. Please do so safely and make sure you clear your browser history. Your husband may be monitoring your internet use if he is monitoring your car.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

Do you have any children with him?

He's abusive. What is keeping you from leaving him?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was slapping my old lady around for a few years, it all started with the same shyt you are dealing with now.

Sorry it gets worse!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

the guy said:


> I was slapping my old lady around for a few years, it all started with the same shyt you are dealing with now.
> 
> Sorry it gets worse!


Yep, most of the time it escalates.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Get out now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

He's angry. He's paranoid. He blames you for this mess you call a marriage.

Do you have a full time job? If so, I would suggest you extricate yourself from this loon and get a protective order too.

He cussed you out in front of YOUR MOTHER???? WTF is wrong with your mother that she would tolerate such behavior?

If you want to have an independent life, and a healthy one, you need to get away from this guy. I'm not saying divorce, but I certainly think you need your own space to think things out.

People like this can become physically violent. Has he ever hit you or threatened to hit you? Has he punched holes in walls or thrown objects?

Frankly, I'd haul a$$ outta there. This is a man who sounds dangerous and unbalanced.

JMO.


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## agugxidona (Jun 6, 2015)

Your husband may be monitoring your internet use if he is monitoring your car.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

read the book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and then see what you want to do. He is emotionally abusive.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

woundedwife said:


> ... I start to question why I have even stayed this long.


I bet everyone you know is wondering that same thing.

He seems to be trying his damnedest to get rid of you, yet there you still are, holding on for dear life.


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

He sounds controlling.


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## woundedwife (Jun 5, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?
> 
> Do you have any children with him?
> 
> He's abusive. What is keeping you from leaving him?


I would like to mention that we do not have kids. I am 25 and he is 31. I have a full time job, most days I will work overtime that I don't get paid for just to avoid going home. He does throw things when he is mad, usually his phone, and he is no stranger to punching holes in walls or windshields. I'm not sure why I stay, I think it has a lot to do with my dad. My dad is the type of person where if you marry someone you stay with them. We also live with my parents. We had to move in with them a while back when I got laid off from my previous job and he was unemployed.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Being loyal the man you married is certainly admirable, but he is not acting like a man. He is abusive, immature and quite possibly dangerous. At some point a person no longer deserves loyalty, and he has long passed that point.





woundedwife said:


> I would like to mention that we do not have kids. I am 25 and he is 31. I have a full time job, most days I will work overtime that I don't get paid for just to avoid going home. He does throw things when he is mad, usually his phone, and he is no stranger to punching holes in walls or windshields. I'm not sure why I stay, I think it has a lot to do with my dad. My dad is the type of person where if you marry someone you stay with them. We also live with my parents. We had to move in with them a while back when I got laid off from my previous job and he was unemployed.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

woundedwife said:


> I would like to mention that we do not have kids. I am 25 and he is 31. I have a full time job, most days I will work overtime that I don't get paid for just to avoid going home. He does throw things when he is mad, usually his phone, and he is no stranger to punching holes in walls or windshields. *I'm not sure why I stay, I think it has a lot to do with my dad. My dad is the type of person where if you marry someone you stay with them. *We also live with my parents. We had to move in with them a while back when I got laid off from my previous job and he was unemployed.


Is your dad abusive to your mom? 

If my daughter was being abused by a boyfriend/husband I would tell her to get out. If he laid a hand on her I would tell her to use her training and break his arm! No abuser is going to treat my daughter that way!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is he still unemployed?


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

Your husband has some serious emotional issues.

I do also, and my wife and I also have our marriage problems. But I would NEVER treat her the way you're being treated. 

You need to take action...to protect yourself, to protect your marriage if you want to even bother, but certainly foremost to protect yourself.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

woundedwife said:


> I would like to mention that we do not have kids. I am 25 and he is 31. I have a full time job, most days I will work overtime that I don't get paid for just to avoid going home. He does throw things when he is mad, usually his phone, and he is no stranger to punching holes in walls or windshields. I'm not sure why I stay, I think it has a lot to do with my dad. My dad is the type of person where if you marry someone you stay with them. We also live with my parents. We had to move in with them a while back when I got laid off from my previous job and he was unemployed.


First and foremost, do NOT have kids with this guy(can't even call him a man). Please be careful to use birth control and make sure you are protected. 

Secondly, he does not deserve your loyalty and respect. He has shown no respect for you and a marriage needs to be a '2 way street' of give and take. Don't stay with him just because you made a vow. He is not acting like a husband and I suggest you leave. Make an exit plan to end your marriage and follow through on it. If you need to, take out a restraining order on him. Make sure to protect yourself, first and foremost.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fwiw, I always recommend people to NEVER get married before they're at least 25, if not 30. You aren't done maturing, you don't know what you really want yet, things are going to change, you don't have good enough coping skills (for protection OR dealing with adversity) yet because you just haven't experienced enough.

And besides, you're so young - you need to go out and HAVE FUN!


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## woundedwife (Jun 5, 2015)

He is working full time now. But he also plays this game where he'll ask me how my day was and then if say I had a really busy day at work, he'll respond and begin to tell me how he was sooo busy at work and he'll tell me about all this stuff he accomplished and how everyone was praising him for what he did. It's almost like he's patting himself on the back for doing the job he was hired for, and he wants me to praise him for it too. I get physically ill on Fridays now, knowing that I will have to go home at the end of the day and spend the whole weekend with him, it makes my stomach churn. I hate Friday, but I love Mondays now. I have tried talking to him about the issues we have in our marriage but he gets very defensive and shifts all blame on to me while he's accusing me of blaming him for everything. I don't blame him for everything, I'm sure there are plenty of things that I have done or said over the years that I shouldn't have and I'm willing to admit that. He never wants to admit to anything. The times that he has apologized to me, it never feels sincere. It's like he's just saying it because he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. There have also been times when I was trying to calmly talk to him about an issue and he would storm off and say "I don't want to talk about this anymore". I would say that I would like to talk about it and his response is always "Well you can talk all you want, but I'm done listening to you so don't talk to me anymore."


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

woundedwife said:


> He is working full time now. But he also plays this game where he'll ask me how my day was and then if say I had a really busy day at work, he'll respond and begin to tell me how he was sooo busy at work and he'll tell me about all this stuff he accomplished and how everyone was praising him for what he did. It's almost like he's patting himself on the back for doing the job he was hired for, and he wants me to praise him for it too.* I get physically ill on Fridays now, knowing that I will have to go home at the end of the day and spend the whole weekend with him, it makes my stomach churn. I hate Friday,* but I love Mondays now. I have tried talking to him about the issues we have in our marriage but he gets very defensive and shifts all blame on to me while he's accusing me of blaming him for everything. I don't blame him for everything, I'm sure there are plenty of things that I have done or said over the years that I shouldn't have and I'm willing to admit that. He never wants to admit to anything. The times that he has apologized to me, it never feels sincere. It's like he's just saying it because he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. There have also been times when I was trying to calmly talk to him about an issue and he would storm off and say "I don't want to talk about this anymore". I would say that I would like to talk about it and his response is always "Well you can talk all you want, but I'm done listening to you so don't talk to me anymore."


THIS is a sure sign you need to end this. Talk to your parents, Im sure they will be more than happy to tell him to get the hell out of their house. You ARE being abused. 

*30 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

woundedwife, will you please break your posts into paragraphs? Big blocks of text are hard on the eyes, hard to read.


woundedwife said:


> I hate Friday, but I love Mondays now.
> 
> I have tried talking to him about the issues we have in our marriage but he gets very defensive and shifts all blame on to me


This is abuse. Emotional abuse. If you're not going to leave him - he will NEVER change - at least educate yourself on what you're dealing with.

Get the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It will explain everything.

The kinds of things you'll learn:


> Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle.
> 
> You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are “walking on eggshells” all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. I am talking here about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship | World of Psychology


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

woundedwife said:


> I get physically ill on Fridays now, knowing that I will have to go home at the end of the day and spend the whole weekend with him, it makes my stomach churn. I hate Friday, but I love Mondays now. I have tried talking to him about the issues we have in our marriage but he gets very defensive and shifts all blame on to me while he's accusing me of blaming him for everything.
> 
> There have also been times when I was trying to calmly talk to him about an issue and he would storm off and say "I don't want to talk about this anymore".


You are married to an emotionally-stunted man; more like a child, actually. 

I will tell you this with complete assuredness: If you stay much longer, you will look back on this time in your life and deeply regret you wasted your one, precious life on this loser.

You have a choice to make. Stay, quit complaining, and suck it up, because this a$$ clown isn't going to change. Or get out and live a fulfilling life.

This guy is BAD NEWS. Period. BAD.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Well it doesn't seem too good. You guys have a short investment on this marriage and not much to hold you together (e.g. Children) might be better for both of you to call it a day and try again in order to find someone mire compatible. All the best


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Can you stay with your parents? You should tell him.... MC or it's over. No one should ever

live like this. Whatever happened to him as a child.... he is carrying it with him.

I would say get the hell out but... you seem to want to hang on to the M.


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## woundedwife (Jun 5, 2015)

Is it bad that I feel guilty about wanting to leave? I just don't feel like I have anything left to give anymore. I'm not willing to go to couple's counseling anymore. I feel like I don't want anything to be fixed anymore because so much damage has already been done and how could I forget that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

woundedwife said:


> Is it bad that I feel guilty about wanting to leave? I just don't feel like I have anything left to give anymore. I'm not willing to go to couple's counseling anymore. I feel like I don't want anything to be fixed anymore because so much damage has already been done and how could I forget that.


No, it isnt "bad" to feel guilty, its perfectly normal. You made a commitment and feel the pull that you need to make it work. The fact that this is how you feel, and so early on, is a sure sign that you need to get out. Its your self preservation kicking in, listen to it.


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

No, it's not bad to feel guilty.

He needs individual counseling ever so much more than you both need couple's counseling. (He needs years' worth)




woundedwife said:


> Is it bad that I feel guilty about wanting to leave? I just don't feel like I have anything left to give anymore. I'm not willing to go to couple's counseling anymore. I feel like I don't want anything to be fixed anymore because so much damage has already been done and how could I forget that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way to get him to a healthier place, at this stage, is for you to separate and say to him "I can't be with you the way you are. If you still want to be with me, you'll have to get help first, or else I'm moving on."


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

turnera said:


> The best way to get him to a healthier place, at this stage, is for you to separate and say to him "I can't be with you the way you are. If you still want to be with me, you'll have to get help first, or else I'm moving on."


Tough love like this sounds about right for your situation. Good luck!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

woundedwife said:


> Is it bad that I feel guilty about wanting to leave?


No, it's perfectly normal. It shows you have a conscience. It also shows you value your marriage. I understand your guilt. When my husband died, I felt tremendous guilt. What if I had flown to Omaha several months before he died to bring him back with me? What if I had intervened and forced him into the VA hospital here to get detoxed and, hopefully, sober?

I walked away and went no-contact six months before he died. The thing is, we have to respect people's right to choose how they wish to behave and lead their lives. Your husband is choosing to behave like a colossal jerk. You can do the 180, detach with love, and all the other stuff ... but he WILL be who he wants to be. If you don't want to tolerate it your boundary should be, "I can't live with the way you behave." 

Given the way you describe your husband's behavior, I would get all my ducks in a row and retain a good family law attorney. There is a child involved. Let an attorney advise you on how you can move safely and keep your husband from bothering you. 

I was fortunate that a child wasn't in the mix when I walked. But a competent attorney can advise you as to how to protect yourself, your child, and how to handle this. Very best of luck with whatever you decide.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

woundedwife said:


> Also, if any of you know what pinterest is, he has it on his phone and so do I. He's constantly pinning quotes about what a terrible person I am or how I treat him like crap, or how his life sucks.


I thought only children did stuff like that. You married a little boy? Tell him to grow up.


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