# Need Advice. Stay or Go?



## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

I am seeking some input to help guide myself down the right path. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We each brought a daughter into the relationship. I love her daughter to death but she hates mine. I have not been the easiest person to live with, and have my own share of faults. We separated about 6-7 months ago after I found put she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out. Since I view a marriage as sacred I continued trying to fight for our marriage and we ended up trying to make things work. We still sleep in separate beds, there is hardly any affection, sex is only initiated by me and it is a rare occurrence. These things I can deal with. But my family has been outcast. She hates my mom and step dad and talks trash about them, my daughter is not allowed to come to our house and my daughter has tried to contact her and she blantly refused to reply. She says I can go see her elsewhere but always has snide remarks or something to say about when I do so. I feel like I am treated like a child at the house and every time something goes slightly wrong I am yelled at and spoken to like trash. I dont think she is a bad person, but she absolutely refuses to forgive and move past situations and has absolutely no empathy for other's feelings. I am stuck trying to figure out do I continue fighting for the marriage and hurting my family, my daughter, and myself in hopes that it will get better. Or do I just admit defeat and walk away knowing that I gave it my all?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally I wouldnt put up with anyone treating my family like that, especially one of my children. Unless they are toxic which I doubt.
Basically she is wanting to cut you off from them all and make your life miserable. Speaking you to like trash is also terrible, I wouldnt put up with that either. She sounds emotionally abusive, and thats without the other man.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Don’t walk away. 
Run!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sandman1318x said:


> I dont think she is a bad person,
> she absolutely refuses to forgive and move past situations and has absolutely no empathy for other's feelings.


Please, stop living in denial..... she IS a bad person.....this is the definition of a bad person.....



Sandman1318x said:


> Or do I just admit defeat and walk away knowing that I gave it my all?


defeat ?? What defeat ?? This is HER.... these are HER actions, not yours.....


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It doesn't matter how much you sucked as a spouse, it does not excuse your wife's infidelity or give her the right to treat your _child_ and family the way she does. I would never, ever tolerate a woman treating my kids like that. You and your daughter are a packaged deal. You wife either accepts both of you, or neither of you. And honestly, it doesn't sound like she wants you either. Divorcing this woman isn't "admitting defeat". It's putting an end to a very toxic marriage and step-parent relationship. 

Why does she hate your daughter so much?


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

bobert said:


> Why does she hate your daughter so much


Well from what she says because she has done so much for her and my daughter treats her like crap. My wife runs a very tight ship and she is quick to yell and belittle the kids when they do something wrong. Never hits either of them... But sometimes I feel like it is a little over the top and I feel bad for them. When I try to tell her that they just made a mistake it is then turned on me trying to make her out to be the bad person. I think my daughter isn't used to the way my wife reacts to things and it created a viscious circle. My daughter feels like she is unloved so she doesn't want anything to do with my wife which makes her ignore my wife and distance herself. This in turn makes my wife feel disrespected and resentful. I have tried explaining this to my wife when my daughter was still around and was met with "what am I supposed to do baby and coddle her?"


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

The problem I have with walking or running away, is that as a Christian I believe that marriages are never meant to end in divorce. That part of me wants to believe that it can get better. But yes, I believe that could possibly be denial.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sandman1318x said:


> I am seeking some input to help guide myself down the right path. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We each brought a daughter into the relationship. I love her daughter to death but she hates mine. I have not been the easiest person to live with, and have my own share of faults. We separated about 6-7 months ago after I found put she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out. Since I view a marriage as sacred I continued trying to fight for our marriage and we ended up trying to make things work. We still sleep in separate beds, there is hardly any affection, sex is only initiated by me and it is a rare occurrence. These things I can deal with. But my family has been outcast. She hates my mom and step dad and talks trash about them, my daughter is not allowed to come to our house and my daughter has tried to contact her and she blantly refused to reply. She says I can go see her elsewhere but always has snide remarks or something to say about when I do so. I feel like I am treated like a child at the house and every time something goes slightly wrong I am yelled at and spoken to like trash. I dont think she is a bad person, but she absolutely refuses to forgive and move past situations and has absolutely no empathy for other's feelings. I am stuck trying to figure out do I continue fighting for the marriage and hurting my family, my daughter, and myself in hopes that it will get better. Or do I just admit defeat and walk away knowing that I gave it my all?


Sandman, this is no way to live. 3 years into a marriage and all of this has happened, I think I can reassure you that it is not going to change and things are not going to get better. When there is hard feelings for in-laws and step children it creates a divide and it leaves the heart unsettled.

I was married to a man with children from his first marriage who he had full custody of. I ended up raising the 2 boys and they did not like me and eventually there was tension with my in-laws. I separated myself from his side of the family as it hurt to be around them. There is lot more to my story but after 24 years I left and have not relationship with the stepsons I raised. Looking back I wish I would have put my time and energy into a relationship that was on mutual ground. Family is important! Find someone you can be happy with, someone who can accept your family and they can accept her.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sandman1318x said:


> The problem I have with walking or running away, is that as a Christian I believe that marriages are never meant to end in divorce. That part of me wants to believe that it can get better. But yes, I believe that could possibly be denial.


I too am a Christian person and have said many times marriage is forever, I meant my vows and that is part of why I stayed as long as I did but I can tell you staying can lead you down a very destructive path. Eventually your emotional health will take a toll in a relationship like this. You need not feel guilty for moving on. There is nothing more freeing than happiness.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sandman1318x said:


> as a Christian I believe that marriages are never meant to end in divorce.


You are correct..... it's not God's plan..... but one must consider why our Lord taught us to pray "....Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven...". Don't make the mistake of thinking that God's will is always done here.....


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

TJW said:


> Don't make the mistake of thinking that God's will is always done here.....


No doubt about that. I know that God's Will is not always done here on Earth. But my struggle with that is if I walk then I am then one that is possible turning from His Will. 

AVR thank you, hearing you situation and outcome is a little more comforting.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Leaving is one thing, divorce is another. In the past I have found a lot of wisdom in this Christian sex blog. I've included a link where you can check out the author's opinion on Christians and divorce.








My Thoughts on Divorce - Uncovering Intimacy


I'm seeing a growing trend of Christians supporting divorces, suggesting divorce as a viable option. To me, this is just appalling.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

Thank you for the article.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How old are the kids?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> The problem I have with walking or running away, is that as a Christian I believe that marriages are never meant to end in divorce. That part of me wants to believe that it can get better. But yes, I believe that could possibly be denial.


LOL...you believe it could *"possibly"* be denial????

Good lord.

Find your *self respect* and stop hiding behind Christianity as an excuse to continue desperately clinging to a woman who doesn't want you, love you, or respect you. 

Seriously, find your self respect.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

My daughter is 12. Our time was split equally between her mother and I until she was told that she couldn't come back to the house. 

Her daughter is 9. Her father has never been in her life and I am daddy to her.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Find your *self respect* and stop hiding behind Christianity as an excuse to continue desperately clinging to a woman who doesn't want you, love you, or respect you.
> 
> Seriously, find your self respect.


I have plenty of self respect and it isnt hiding behind my Christianity. Its a matter of what my faith says, and values.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sandman1318x said:


> I am seeking some input to help guide myself down the right path. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We each brought a daughter into the relationship. I love her daughter to death but she hates mine. I have not been the easiest person to live with, and have my own share of faults. We separated about 6-7 months ago after I found put she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out. Since I view a marriage as sacred I continued trying to fight for our marriage and we ended up trying to make things work. We still sleep in separate beds, there is hardly any affection, sex is only initiated by me and it is a rare occurrence. These things I can deal with. But my family has been outcast. She hates my mom and step dad and talks trash about them, my daughter is not allowed to come to our house and my daughter has tried to contact her and she blantly refused to reply. She says I can go see her elsewhere but always has snide remarks or something to say about when I do so. I feel like I am treated like a child at the house and every time something goes slightly wrong I am yelled at and spoken to like trash. I dont think she is a bad person, but she absolutely refuses to forgive and move past situations and has absolutely no empathy for other's feelings. I am stuck trying to figure out do I continue fighting for the marriage and hurting my family, my daughter, and myself in hopes that it will get better. Or do I just admit defeat and walk away knowing that I gave it my all?


Hey, sorry to hear about your situation. 
You say you have your own share of faults? Can you share some, because that can make a huge difference. 

Also, I find it strange that your family is off limits. Have they mistreated her in some way that would warrant that behavior? Or is she being a b****? If so, why did you marry her?

Finally, how old is your daughter, and why does she hate her so much? If there is no reason to warrant this hatred toward your daughter, you better divorce this lady and fast. Your children should always come first.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

GC she started off great with everyone. But as time went on more and more resentment got built up with my daughter. In her words, she claims that I did not parent her correctly (because I am not as strict as she is) and that she is disrespectful. My daughter does not help the situation, but she has grown to dislike my wife and doesn't speak to her much. She doesn't act out, but its obvious that she isn't a fan of my wife. This causes my wife to act out against her and it creates a viscous circle between the two of them. 

With my parents, my mother doesn't like the way that she treats my daughter which I understand. My wife confronted my mom about an issue a few Christmas's ago and they got into it verbally and my mother left. My mom has tried to smooth things over but my wife refuses to forgive and is just full of hate.

My faults. She has a bit of OCD and I liked being lazy and procrastinate, stopped pursuing her for awhile because I was just as done as she was. We both would never really listen during disagreements and arguments, was pretty much just both of us go into defense mode and put the blame on the other instead of actually listening and trying to come up with a solution. Didnt really see all this until the separation and you are forced to look at the ugly. A lot of little things in between.

But since moving back in the last 4-5 I have been doing everything I can to correct the things that "I" did wrong, since that is all that I have the ability to control.

There has been progress over the course of time. She didn't want to speak to me at all when the separation came, I fought like mad and came back to the house and she was down right nasty for a couple of months. Name calling, I hate you, get the f* out, threats of divorce papers etc. But I kept doing what I knew I had failed on previously regardless and that has become non existent. Its good at times now. But she has absolutely no ability to forgive, understand where someone is coming from, and needs to be in control of everything. I really think its a defense mechanism from stuff that happened in her childhood. 

So there are reasons which makes it harder to walk away. But there are times when I am just so mentally drained. And to toss out my man card that I am just in tears when I drop my duaghter off after seeing her one day just for an hour or two and having to say goodbye. The decision is a struggle.

She says she is trying to make things work, but I do not see the effort on her part... Other than allowing me to be there. She got drunk the other week and held my hand... that was the first and only display of affection, other than occasional sex, that has happened since moving back in. So idk. I dont know which way is up and which way is down anymore.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

My daughter is 12 btw


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Sandman1318x said:


> I have plenty of self respect and it isnt hiding behind my Christianity. Its a matter of what my faith says, and values.


The problem is your wife doesn't share your views on values and respect in a marriage. 

She texted someone else already. She doesn't have a good relationship with your family or your daughter. She doesn't have a good relationship with you. She doesn't have a relationship with her daughter's father. What kind of relationship do you want to save? 

From what you wrote, it seems she's got issues having relationships. Her life is a bunch of red flags!

Do your daughter a favor and divorce this lady. I don't know you, but I would NEVER allow anybody to tell me my children are not welcome in my own home. Wives and girlfriends can come and go, your children are yours forever. Show your daughter some respect, she deserves it. 

What can a 12 year old do to hurt your wife so much? I have an 11 year old son, I understand they can drive people crazy but to kick her out and you allowing that to happen? That's just so not the Christian thing to do. 

You have to get your own values in check as well.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sandman1318x said:


> GC she started off great with everyone. But as time went on more and more resentment got built up with my daughter. In her words, she claims that I did not parent her correctly (because I am not as strict as she is) and that she is disrespectful. My daughter does not help the situation, but she has grown to dislike my wife and doesn't speak to her much. She doesn't act out, but its obvious that she isn't a fan of my wife. This causes my wife to act out against her and it creates a viscous circle between the two of them.
> 
> With my parents, my mother doesn't like the way that she treats my daughter which I understand. My wife confronted my mom about an issue a few Christmas's ago and they got into it verbally and my mother left. My mom has tried to smooth things over but my wife refuses to forgive and is just full of hate.
> 
> ...


My God, you sound like me, and my husband sounds like your wife, minus the step kids lol. It's tough when one wants things in control and the other is lazy. But she's going to have to accept you for what you are, and stand your ground about it...you'll get around to things in your own time, someone nagging just makes you NEVER want to do anything. But, it is understandable your daughter wouldn't like the stepmom; BUT, if you haven't been disciplining her and explaining that there isn't a reason to hate her, that's where you messed up in my opinion (if that is the case)...you say your daughter doesn't help the situation. At 12, they aren't going to, but that doesn't mean she gets to do what she wants either. With that being said, your wife has to understand she is a pre-teen, and love is unfortunately supposed to be unconditional. So I think both people need to be spoken to. 

Finally, I understand your mom's position at getting angry at your wife about how she treats your daughter, but, if you had done your job and squashed the issue yourself, your mother would have never had to become involved. So really, I don't want to place full responsibility with you, b/c your wife is obv temperamental and mean to your daughter, but you have partial responsibility for this issue. My husband and I fight the same way, and we're having some issues as well...frankly I guess you and your wife got turned off to each other, and it happens. 

Is your wife willing to try therapy/MC? Are you? Because, if not, I'm not sure this is a healthy way to live, for anyone.

Also **if she's not willing to 'allow' your daughter access to you, I agree with Pastasauce, that's not tolerable. No one should have the right to stop your daughter from coming home.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You need to get rid of your wife. It's not okay to choose another woman over your child, and that's exactly what you've done. You are going to destroy your relationship with your daughter if you don't end this. I don't know how you could ever allow this, honestly.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

I have been trying to play devil's advocate between the two of them since all of this has been going on. Helping both of them see the other side and work through it. I do reprimand my daughter when its necessary just not to the severity my wife would have it. 

I agree that I share partial responsibility. But with my mother getting involved that is because she spends the night over there a lot and talks to my mom about stuff. Which again I understand my mom getting upset. 

We did marriage counseling. The counselor saw the issue lay with my wife and wanted to do one on one counseling with her and my wife kept blaming everything on my duaghter so the counselor decided to see Sophia on the side at my wife's request. It ended with my wife saying the marriage counselor was on my side and was just making her out to be the bad person...... that is pretty much how everything ends. She isnt a bad person, she doesn't want to be made to feel guilty. Etc etc.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> I have plenty of self respect and it isnt hiding behind my Christianity. Its a matter of what my faith says, and values.


Sure it is.

And if your faith is dictating what you can do and cannot do, then why did you title this thread "Stay or Go?" if going isn't an option?

Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Sandman1318x said:


> She didn't want to speak to me at all when the separation came, I fought like mad and came back to the house and she was down right nasty for a couple of months. Name calling, I hate you, get the f* out, threats of divorce papers etc.


Your idea of self respect is very different from mine.

I would never allow someone, not less my spouse, to speak to me this way.

Again, what kind of marriage are you trying to save? You've been married 3 years. You should still be in the honeymoon stage not in a war zone stage. 

I don't even recommend any counseling. When someone is disrespectful I don't think that person can change, specially under stress or anger. 

I feel so sad for your daughter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> The problem I have with walking or running away, is that as a Christian I believe that marriages are never meant to end in divorce. That part of me wants to believe that it can get better. But yes, I believe that could possibly be denial.


I get you, my husband and I are the same, but sadly his first wife cheated and ended their marriage against his wishes, and my former husband did things that were so very serious I had to end our marriage. It happens. If you are both Christians then how about you arrange for some good Christian counselling first as a last resort and see what happens? As a Christian myself though, I dont believe God wants us to stay with an abusive partner and that is what your wife is. Even if you dont divorce her, at least permanently separate. 
Have you spoken to your pastor about this?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you and your wife go to church? Your pastor might be able to help. It just doesn't sound like your wife is of the same faith or any faith as far as that goes. You two are unequally yoked. You want her to play by a rule book that she has never laid eyes on.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

Diana, we did counseling but it ended with her feeling like the counselor was teaming up with me and making her out to be the bad guy, refusing to listen and refusing to go. 

Blondilock, we used to go to church together. But she doesn't go anymore and refuses to go back to our church because (her reason) no one reached out to her when our struggles first started. The flip side of that is that she never reached out to anyone.

As far as whether we are playing by the same rule book. She says she is saved and that she believes, but I honestly can't see it. Not my place to make that judgment call though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> GC she started off great with everyone. But as time went on more and more resentment got built up with my daughter. In her words, she claims that I did not parent her correctly (because I am not as strict as she is) and that she is disrespectful. My daughter does not help the situation, but she has grown to dislike my wife and doesn't speak to her much. She doesn't act out, but its obvious that she isn't a fan of my wife. This causes my wife to act out against her and it creates a viscous circle between the two of them.
> 
> With my parents, my mother doesn't like the way that she treats my daughter which I understand. My wife confronted my mom about an issue a few Christmas's ago and they got into it verbally and my mother left. My mom has tried to smooth things over but my wife refuses to forgive and is just full of hate.
> 
> ...


Can you not see your daughter at your parents house for longer? The fact that she is just 12 changes things, I thought she was an adult. Your home should be her home as well.
Is your wife a Christian? If she is there surely she is well aware that forgiveness is vital?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> Diana, we did counseling but it ended with her feeling like the counselor was teaming up with me and making her out to be the bad guy, refusing to listen and refusing to go.
> 
> Blondilock, we used to go to church together. But she doesn't go anymore and refuses to go back to our church because (her reason) no one reached out to her when our struggles first started. The flip side of that is that she never reached out to anyone.
> 
> As far as whether we are playing by the same rule book. She says she is saved and that she believes, but I honestly can't see it. Not my place to make that judgment call though.


Oh dear, so she is one of those people who blame everything on everyone else and who take no responsibility for anything. People like that are almost impossible to change because they dont think they do anything wrong. They see no need for change because according to them, everyone is against them. They have no empathy for anyone.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Is your wife a Christian? If she is there surely she is well aware that forgiveness is vital?


She tells me that she isnt going to come in between my daughter and I and that I should go see her which I do. But everytime I do an issue arises. For example, I took her out to eat and got dessert and it turned into an argument about why I am always taking her out.... Well... what am I supposed to do. 

As far as the Christian thing, I answered that above. Yes, she claims to be. She went to church with me for a long time until she just stopped. Forgiveness is a big part of it and she refuses to forgive anybody for any wrong doings which makes me question her faith. 

She met a woman on an online support group about step parenting and they became best friends. She ended up moving down where we live and staying with us until she could get on her feet. She ended up quitting her job and moving back home two weeks later (I suspect because of my wife). And my wife refuses to speak to her over it. Forgiveness isn't in her vocabulary.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> They have no empathy for anyone


That I believe is an absolutely true statement. She lacks empathy completely.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s not going to change. Why? Because she doesn’t want to. She’s always right, in her eyes, and everyone else is always wrong. Stay if you don’t feel that divorce is right but your relationship with your daughter will never be what it should be and you’re in for a very difficult life.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Don't you see your wife is the common denominator in a lot of drama?

To me is unbelievable you don't see the red flags. 

She blames everyone else.
She is disrespectful.
She doesn't forgive, or forget.
She wants all the attention.
Everyone is against her.

She needs serious help. 

You need help understanding your own value and self worth. Acting like a Christian Martyr is not going to solve her issues or your marriage issues.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> She tells me that she isnt going to come in between my daughter and I and that I should go see her which I do. But everytime I do an issue arises. For example, I took her out to eat and got dessert and it turned into an argument about why I am always taking her out.... Well... what am I supposed to do.
> 
> As far as the Christian thing, I answered that above. Yes, she claims to be. She went to church with me for a long time until she just stopped. Forgiveness is a big part of it and she refuses to forgive anybody for any wrong doings which makes me question her faith.
> 
> She met a woman on an online support group about step parenting and they became best friends. She ended up moving down where we live and staying with us until she could get on her feet. She ended up quitting her job and moving back home two weeks later (I suspect because of my wife). And my wife refuses to speak to her over it. Forgiveness isn't in her vocabulary.


Yes, its clearly not just you who finds her impossible to live with. I suspect she needs some deep prayer/ministry but she wont ask for it because she thinks she is perfect. I cant imagine what that must be like to live with her day in and day out.
I wouldnt let anyone on earth stop me seeing my children as and when I saw fit.


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> She needs serious help.
> 
> You need help understanding your own value and self worth. Acting like a Christian Martyr is not going to solve her issues or your marriage issues


And therein lies the issue. I see the red flags. I live it, and I am not blind to them. But knowing that she needs help is where I struggle with walking away. I know that is the easy road and that is probably what I need to do. But yes, I have that piece of me nagging in the back of my mind. That if she someone managed to get the help it could be different. 

Believe me there is a large chunk of me that wants to walk out of the door. I just struggle with is it the right choice.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It sounds to me you are less in a marriage and more of an in-home separation... what healthy choices are you making?

1. For you
2. For your daughter
3. For your wife
4. For your marriage.

Out of the 4 areas, I see a lot of suffering... it's hard helping a person who can tend to be narcissistic in their view of life.

Sometimes walking out the door is not what it seems to be when you are actually being pushed...


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## Sandman1318x (Oct 3, 2020)

Buddhist those are great questions to reflect on. Thank you.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Sandman1318x, you asked, Need Advice. Stay or Go?

You are already gone brother, you just don't want to accept that!
This woman doesn't really value you or your family, and that's just the start (3 years marriage!)
You have so much to work on to fix this, it's not even worth it..

Lets take a look:

 You are treated disrespectfully, treated like a child in the house and every time something goes slightly wrong you are yelled at and spoken to like trash. In her mind you are not a husband with boundaries to worry about! The problem here is that you are not in control of the marriage like a husband should be, and you are not standing for yourself and putting your foot down when needed, and if you try to do so, you will be kicked out of the house again, because she doesn't value you as a husband, so why should she treat you like a MAN and not a child, after all you are the one that came back to _*"save the marriage*_*"* not her, she didn't want you, so in her mind you are lucky to be accepted back into the household,* so you need to live by her rules!* 
She doesn't want to work on herself and starts accepting her faults, and no therapy councilor will be able to work with her, and certainly not you, look what happened with the previous marriage counseling!
She doesn't want to mend the relationship with your daughter, she can't, because she lacks empathy completely, and that's a serious character flow, you can't fix that, because you yourself are not respected anyway so how can she even take an advice from you about her relationship with your daughter, your even facing the *possibility of losing you daughter*, your daughter might put on a happy face for daddy, but she could be *building lots resentment towards you,* after all her daddy is catering for the wife that has all the toxic qualities over her!
She can't mend the relationship with her mother-in-law, because she doesn't know how to forgive even though she is a Christian!
She doesn't want to go to church and see a pastor to work on her issues and flows _(serious character flows)_ like any normal human being, and you can't fix that, she won't listen to you or take your advice to go to church because she doesn't value your opinion nor does she respect you, you are just a child, a guy who came back _*"save the marriage*_*"*!
*And the last straw, her infidelity (that you brushed it off in your relies)*:


Sandman1318x said:


> she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out.



Add to the list other stuff we don't know about, but only you do!
All this happened in a three year marriage!
You see where this is going?!
You have nothing to work with, because you can't, she is not willing to do anything or take steps in fixing her issues!
What about her talking to the other man while she is married to you?! what did you do about it, did she face any consequences?! Of course not, you got kicked out of the house, you are not in control of any thing, you are just playing the game of trying to nice her to do things, she has no fear of losing you!
What will happen in five or ten years?! will she starts having an affair?! her character flows is almost the exact flows that cheater have!

Brother, the issues are so many, the infidelity should have been enough, it should have been the last straw for you, I don't know what you were thinking or your mind frame that led you to go back and save the marriage, but you need to get you ducks in a row and move on with your life!
Don't be in a dysfunctional relationships, it's not worth it, it already affected your relationship with your daughter, and you didn't take the decisive step to fix it by ending this dysfunctional marriage!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> And therein lies the issue. I see the red flags. I live it, and I am not blind to them. But knowing that she needs help is where I struggle with walking away. I know that is the easy road and that is probably what I need to do. But yes, I have that piece of me nagging in the back of my mind. That if she someone managed to get the help it could be different.
> 
> Believe me there is a large chunk of me that wants to walk out of the door. I just struggle with is it the right choice.


You could maybe say that you think a temporary seperation would be in order until he gets some help with her issues. Maybe write down the things you will no longer accept, such as your daughter not being allowed in the house, wanting you all to see your family, that she stops her verbal attacks on you and anything else that you know is wrong. 

What does your pastor say?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sandman1318x said:


> Diana, we did counseling but it ended with her feeling like the counselor was teaming up with me and making her out to be the bad guy, refusing to listen and refusing to go.
> 
> Blondilock, we used to go to church together. But she doesn't go anymore and refuses to go back to our church because (her reason) no one reached out to her when our struggles first started. The flip side of that is that she never reached out to anyone.
> 
> As far as whether we are playing by the same rule book. She says she is saved and that she believes, but I honestly can't see it. Not my place to make that judgment call though.


This was because your wife was in the wrong, but likes to exist in a perpetual state of denial.

From what you wrote I deduced that your wife exhibits the following characteristics:-

1) She is a cheater.

2) She gives no respect, but expects it from others.

3) She is rude and horrible.

4) She cannot deal with children in an appropriate way.

5) She is angry much of the time.

6) She is in denial about her faults and failings. (It's not her, it's everyone else.)

I have found a picture of your wife...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you need to face reality and get out. The one point I can kind of see of your wife's is that she has a daughter she is raising the way she thinks is best, and she does not want your daughter being a bad influence on her with the disrespect, because that is a very common problem with blended families. If one parent continues to let their child act a way that is not acceptable to the other, right or wrong, the other child either feels they get to do things her or himself does not or they simply see the disrespect and copy it. Either way you have a divided family. 

Not knowing which of you is better raising kids, or maybe just different but equal, all I can conclude is this isn't working for the kids or for you or for her. You should get out and see your child as much as you are supposed to instead of hanging onto a bad marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This staying is your doing.

This control freak, this is her and her doing to others; them, those not having done squat to her.

If you want sympathy, you have mine.
If you want a solution, you have mine.

Divorce and rejoice in your new found _"Peace on Earth!"

You were made that husband, not that Martyr.

If you are bound up in your faith, and cannot divorce, then this is for you, it then must be fine.
Meanwhile, know that your faith will not reward you in this life or mine.

*The faithful, those faithful, should not be made fools for any such painful process.*

You married a woman, and she isn't that Mary, but maybe is Rebekah

Are Dee-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> We separated about 6-7 months ago after I found put she was talking to another man *half way across the country* and she decided to kick me out.


This is the correct distance to be when dealing with the likes of her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sandman1318x said:


> This causes my wife to act out against her and it creates a viscous circle between the two of them.


Wow. Your wife acts out against a 12 year old girl? How mature of her. I honestly can't believe this.

You need to get out of there now, no child should feel unwelcome or like a guest in their parents home.

The only time I would block a child (bio or step) from coming to my home, is if they were a danger to other children in the home.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You've basically lost living a life with your daughter because of this woman and you still aren't sure if you should divorce her?

Someday you will regret this so much you won't even know what to do.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sandman1318x said:


> We separated about 6-7 months ago after I found put she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out. Since I view a marriage as sacred I continued trying to fight for our marriage and we ended up trying to make things work.


So SHE cheated (and yes, this is an Emotional Affair) and she got mad at YOU for upsetting her fun and kicked you out.
As a Christian, it IS acceptable to divorce for Adultery -- just sayin....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bobert said:


> It doesn't matter how much you sucked as a spouse, it does not excuse your wife's infidelity or give her the right to treat your _child_ and family the way she does. I would never, ever tolerate a woman treating my kids like that. You and your daughter are a packaged deal. You wife either accepts both of you, or neither of you. And honestly, it doesn't sound like she wants you either. Divorcing this woman isn't "admitting defeat". It's putting an end to a very toxic marriage and step-parent relationship.
> 
> Why does she hate your daughter so much?





Sandman1318x said:


> I have been trying to play devil's advocate between the two of them since all of this has been going on. Helping both of them see the other side and work through it. I do reprimand my daughter when its necessary just not to the severity my wife would have it.
> 
> I agree that I share partial responsibility. But with my mother getting involved that is because she spends the night over there a lot and talks to my mom about stuff. Which again I understand my mom getting upset.
> 
> We did marriage counseling. The counselor saw the issue lay with my wife and wanted to do one on one counseling with her and my wife kept blaming everything on my duaghter so the counselor decided to see Sophia on the side at my wife's request. It ended with my wife saying the marriage counselor was on my side and was just making her out to be the bad person...... that is pretty much how everything ends. She isnt a bad person, she doesn't want to be made to feel guilty. Etc etc.


Oh yeah, your wife IS a bad person if she’s as you describe.
You’ve been given good advice. This person needs not only divorcing, but a swift music in the ass as she goes out the door. Damn, you’d let a woman come between you and your own daughter? I’d laugh in a woman’s face as I showed her the door if she mistreated my kids. 
btw, marriage may be sacred to you, but it isn’t to your wife. Nothing is.
“She’s not a bad person”, spoken by 100% of poor saps including myself at one time or another, before reality is seen again.
Damn, she’s an exceptionally bad person.


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

Stay or go, that's very much up to you. Family or wife? Hmm...I also have a 12 year old daughter and I'm still numb from losing my mom earlier this year, so if I were you I know exactly what I would pick.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sandman1318x said:


> The problem I have with walking or running away, is that as a Christian I believe that marriages are never meant to end in divorce. That part of me wants to believe that it can get better. But yes, I believe that could possibly be denial.


Her cheating butt has given you Biblical grounds for divorce.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sandman1318x said:


> I am seeking some input to help guide myself down the right path. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We each brought a daughter into the relationship. I love her daughter to death but she hates mine. I have not been the easiest person to live with, and have my own share of faults. We separated about 6-7 months ago after I found put she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out. Since I view a marriage as sacred I continued trying to fight for our marriage and we ended up trying to make things work. We still sleep in separate beds, there is hardly any affection, sex is only initiated by me and it is a rare occurrence. These things I can deal with. But my family has been outcast. She hates my mom and step dad and talks trash about them, my daughter is not allowed to come to our house and my daughter has tried to contact her and she blantly refused to reply. She says I can go see her elsewhere but always has snide remarks or something to say about when I do so. I feel like I am treated like a child at the house and every time something goes slightly wrong I am yelled at and spoken to like trash. I dont think she is a bad person, but she absolutely refuses to forgive and move past situations and has absolutely no empathy for other's feelings. I am stuck trying to figure out do I continue fighting for the marriage and hurting my family, my daughter, and myself in hopes that it will get better. Or do I just admit defeat and walk away knowing that I gave it my all?


Why have you not kicked HER out, or filed yet?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sandman1318x said:


> I am seeking some input to help guide myself down the right path. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We each brought a daughter into the relationship. I love her daughter to death but she hates mine. I have not been the easiest person to live with, and have my own share of faults. We separated about 6-7 months ago after I found put she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out. Since I view a marriage as sacred I continued trying to fight for our marriage and we ended up trying to make things work. We still sleep in separate beds, there is hardly any affection, sex is only initiated by me and it is a rare occurrence. These things I can deal with. But my family has been outcast. She hates my mom and step dad and talks trash about them, my daughter is not allowed to come to our house and my daughter has tried to contact her and she blantly refused to reply. She says I can go see her elsewhere but always has snide remarks or something to say about when I do so. I feel like I am treated like a child at the house and every time something goes slightly wrong I am yelled at and spoken to like trash. I dont think she is a bad person, but she absolutely refuses to forgive and move past situations and has absolutely no empathy for other's feelings. I am stuck trying to figure out do I continue fighting for the marriage and hurting my family, my daughter, and myself in hopes that it will get better. Or do I just admit defeat and walk away knowing that I gave it my all?



Run. Your W is cheating with OM. From the other description of what is going on...the effort is not worth it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sandman1318x said:


> My daughter does not help the situation, but she has grown to dislike my wife and doesn't speak to her much. She doesn't act out, but its obvious that she isn't a fan of my wife. This causes my wife to act out against her and it creates a viscous circle between the two of them.


So in other words, the 12 year old is the more mature and appropriately behaving one.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I absolutely would not let someone come between me and my children. She sounds like a narcissist and I think you will regret staying with her. Your daughter is being harmed by her. She’s learning that she is not the most important thing in the world to you. Is that what you want?


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

I don’t suggest this lightly, but you need to start taking steps to divorce and formally end this ‘relationship’.

Just the fact that she mistreats your 12yo would be enough for me to divorce the person. Your child doesn’t deserve this treatment/abuse. I can only imagine what goes on in your house when you’re not home and she’s left alone with this woman.

Kindly, I think this a case where divorce is the best option for everyone.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sandman1318x said:


> The problem I have with walking or running away, is that as a Christian I believe that marriages are never meant to end in divorce. That part of me wants to believe that it can get better. But yes, I believe that could possibly be denial.


Do you honestly think your wife is being a loving Christian parent to either of the girls? You raise a child in love not by belittling them to make yourself feel better then them. Why have you allowed your wife to run YOUR child off?

You talk about being a Christian, then why is your wife running the house hold? It is supposed to be a partnership with you at the head. Instead of that, she is walking all over you.

Why didn’t you stop her when she was emotionally abusing her daughter and yours?

You can’t fix the hateful woman your wife is. She has to want to change herself. she sounds like a grade A narcissist.


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