# Tired of giving



## tryingto (Jun 27, 2010)

Hello All,

Just looking to talk to others, even in cyber space, to talk to somebody. His family thinks he walks on water, mine never liked him anyway. Guess they were right.

I have been married for about 9 years. He is Diabetic, depressed, out of work for more than 2 years, mentally abusive and angry all the time. He won't follow a diabetic diet, does not think he needs to is on about 10 meds for various reasons and his sugar run about 300. He does not take his meds right and does not really care. I have tried using this as an excuse for his behavior, but now I am to a point I am just dazed and confused.

He has been fired from every job he has ever had because of his temper and unablity to get along with others. Even one with his own father! He won't work, I work, bring in the money, do the house work, all of it. His idea of housework is vacuuming. That is about all he will do.

He yells at me, has never actually hit me. But aggrivates me by tickling me or poking me in the side thinking it's funny. I guess after 9 years, I just don't think it funny anymore. I want someone mature and a partner.

He yells at me and yells at me and rather than fight I walk in another room, he will follow me in there and push until I explode. Then when I explode, he tells me I am crazy. Yep, cause by then I am. This would be after at least 25 times of please stop and leave me alone I don't want to fight.

I tried to explain to him that I need a partner, someone who is in this 50/50 not 90/10. I asked him to just get a part time job to help with expenses. Now he wants to start an antique business with what little savings we have left. Of course he has NO experiance at all. I paid $1200 to send him to school to learn, and he did not complete one course. It was to hard he said, and we lost the money the school expired. Oh forgot to mention did this twice!

He of course has two grown kids from a previous marriage, who of course want money and I finally said no. The youngest has had a DUI already, has never worked a day in in his life, is in college and we should support him. I told the H that if he wants to give the kids money he can get a job, and give them every penny, I am not doing this any more.

About 3 years ago thinking I was crazy because he always told me it had to be me, I went to therapy. I was told I am not crazy, he is abusive. The therapist never said leave him, just tried to help me with my issues.

I have asked to go to counseling, he does not think we need it. I want to leave, but I own the house and the cars and everything else. I am not willing to give them up and I have asked him to leave and he won't. 

This is only the tip of the iceberg here. I don't want a divorce, but I don't know how to fix it. I guess I am fooling myself to think it can. Anyone ever fixed anything like this? If not how did you end it and get your life back? How do you deal with this day after day.

Trying to


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he won't do counseling, then you may have take action yourself. He's not going to just pick up and leave--he would be giving up too much. So you need to file for divorce and get a court order to get him out of the house if his name isn't on the mortgage (and maybe even if it is, I'm not sure about that). 

Sounds like he needs a wake-up call and taking action by filing for divorce, etc, might be the wake-up call he needs. Be clear before you let him come back what are the standards you insist upon--all of 'em, write them down. Must manage his blood sugars (what is an acceptable daily range you could live with? ) Must work XX hours/week and/or contribute 15% to household expenses--whatever it is. As for behavior, write that down too. The reason I'm saying this is, if you are not clear in your mind what is the point of "no return" for you, he will exploit it. But remember: you need to let him know--if you go for counseling and reconciliation--that your expectations are non-negotiable and he will be out with no other chance if he blows it now. Work with the therapist to figure out a reasonable set of expectaions, maybe giving him some time to improve in areas that may be really tough (ie, he needs to have some job, any job, by such and such a date, and making such and such a contribution by this later date, whatever).

Because you have been supporting him, the assumption at law is that he has been supporting you while you work, so he is entitled to some percentage of everything you have. If you bought the house before you married him, that might be safe. Talk to an attorney--so much depends on your state laws. You may be so angry you just want to toss him out to fend for himself, but you cannot-morally or legally. So be prepared to do the right thing. Yes, it sucks, but even in a worst case scenario (you have to sell the house and split proceeds with him, for example), isn't it worth it to have him out of your life? This is what is known as the price of experience--and I don't mean that as a joke. This stuff is serious and has a number of tangible and intangible costs.

Good luck, whatever you decide.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Well, if he doesn't start taking care of his Diabetes, you're not going to have to worry about anything other than burying him. Seriously...how selfish of him to NOT take care of himself!!!! He's running the risk of a myriad of problems...diabetic coma, amputation, blindness, etc. You want to be leading a blind amputee around the house? I would imagine his temper would only get worse.

If he thinks going to school is hard, I can tell you first hand that running a business is 100 times harder. 1,000. Especially the antique business! It is not the right kind of economy to be starting up a business. If he doesn't have the mettle to work for the "other man", he's not going to be able to cut running his own business. Hope you're ready to pitch in there as well, or watch it all go under and any money invested is kaput. 

My kids ex couldn't work for the other man either. His personality was such that he just didn't get along with other people. He fancied himself smarter than everyone else, and always thought he could run the company better. He never understood that they are SIGNING YOUR PAYCHECK and you do it their way. Unless you have a REALLY excellent idea that will improve the company. Hah. These men really touch a nerve in me, and not a good one. Mine started his own business, and did well...until he started abusing intravenous drugs, and everything went to hell after that. But..it would have just been a matter of time before we were bankrupt anyway, b/c he was a tv repairman back in the day before you just threw them away and bought a new one. I remember him telling me that they were working on making a tv that would be an inch thick, and would hang on your wall. I didn't believe him. I thought it was impossible. 

I don't know why you're still there. I really don't see one redeeming quality in this man. He's not a partner, he abuses you, he acts like a child, and he abuses you. Why are you allowing this? What is it in yourself that you would allow someone else to treat you like this, and live in this way? I would have said that YOU aren't the one that needs fixing, that he is. But the reality is that change starts with YOU. I'll just tell you what my sister told me "If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting". I changed. I booted him out once and for all. I took 3 years to get my head screwed back on straight, since living with men like this totally messes your head up. I went foward after that and got happy. It CAN be done.


----------



## tryingto (Jun 27, 2010)

Thanks I appreciate the feedback. Sometimes you get into issues like this and I honestly don't know how to get out. It's marriage and you take vows that say for better or worse. Then all you get is crud. It is nice to know I am not crazy and that it's ok to want out. When you have no place to turn to talk to, it can get so confusing. When you are dealing with a bully and you have been bullied all your life, trying to take the first step can be terrifying. I had an abusive parent that I could not please either, I guess I thought if I could please him, then I could make everything alright. You are right, it is not going to change, I am dreaming.

I need to see an attorney, that is for sure. 

Thanks, I mean really, thanks for listening.

Trying


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It IS ok to get out. I was that person who took my marriage vows VERY seriously. I was in it for better or worse, no doubt. I got the worse, for sure...and just enough of the better to keep me hanging on. I called them "snippets". Just tiny bits of something to keep me there. It almost destroyed me, and I'm not entirely sure it didn't destroy a couple of my kids. Children are resilient, but they can take only so much. 

I'm glad to hear you're considering seeing an attorney. You need one, seeing's how you're the breadwinner. You're not crazy. Far from it. Thinking about leaving might be the sanest thing you could do for yourself.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

tryingto said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Just looking to talk to others, even in cyber space, to talk to somebody. His family thinks he walks on water, mine never liked him anyway. Guess they were right.
> 
> ...


Sorry but he sounds like a loser...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why don't you want a divorce? What are you getting out of this relationship besides abuse? Why are you rewarding an mean abusive person with a nice place to stay? Not wanting a divorce is hard to understand. He will suffer the consequences of ignoring his health, stroke, heart attach, blindness, kindney failure. You will spend the next years being his nurse maid. He does not diserve to have a nurse maid who he has abused so shamelessly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## quest2812 (Dec 27, 2010)

Hey lady... feel sorry for wat u ve been going thru but then God never promised life wud b a cakewalk.. difficult for some n veryy difficult for some "special" ppl.. 
I have had my share of problems/issues/griefs as well but wat made me empathize with u is wen u said - tired of giving...........
Anyway, we cant keep cribbing all d tym.. if it is that way only, then accept it... if u cant alter it. 
as for u.. i will only suggest stop being nice to such people now. Dont do them any wrong but dont be generous or as u mentioned "giving" to them as well. One life we get n we ought to live it d way we want..... atleast noone has d ryt to take away that smile from u.. 
I wud suggest, sort out these legal matters wisely n gie urself a break. Enjoy ur singlehood for sometime.. Its better to b alone than land up urself wid a fool again!!
Gud Luck
Keep Smiling

He never promised this life would be easy or good, but He did promise it will be worth it....


----------



## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

I can honestly say that you should leave your relationship. NO question. Sometimes when people post on here, it's not a question of IF, it's a question of WHEN - Now, sweetie, go on, take what remains of the savings and see a lawyer. The verbal/emotional abuse CAN turn physical, it's a matter of time, I know, TRUST ME, I know (and poking you actually IS physical, by the way).


----------



## trying01 (Sep 13, 2010)

Trying to - OMG. Its funny - but not really - how similar your situation is in so many ways. From our screen names tryingto vs trying01 to your story I can TOTALLY emphathize what you are going through. Although my H is not diabetic (yet) he's gained roughly 120 pounds since we've been together and threw his health out the window. He is depressed and doesn't want to do anything about it or anything in general and all I hear is about how crazy I am. And when I'm not hearing about that its yelling and being sworn at... Oh and when you wrote about being poked/tickled I almost lost it! My H does the same thing then when I finally lose it I am the crazy one As far as my husband's job he is employed in a profession perfect for his personality which makes me seem even more crazy because he is used to other people acting like he does... 

In my situation what I am trying to decide is what *I* want. Not what I SHOULD want or what other people would want, but me. What I will deal with and what I won't. I don't want a divorce right now but I don't want things to stay the same either. No one knows whats best for you but you. The thing we sometimes need help with is seeing there is a problem to begin with and that seems to be something that we already recognize..


----------

