# Am I being a baby about this?



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

First post here, and cant believe I am on a marriage board. I am the M half and seeking some opinions as to if I am just over sensitive here or I have the right be upset. Also any comments on solutions swould be helpful.

US: Know each other 16 years, married 4, no kids, he 38, she 47, both very fit and active and take care of ourselves, have never fought or had hard times in our marriage until recently (about a year), only one fight and it wasnt a huge deal just venting. We both feel (the exception being me recently) that we were a rock solid couple and made for life. We agree on most topics and things and think alot a like.

My issues: I feel really unappreciated by my wife and the sucks is really beginning to suck (at least for me anyways, can't speak for her).

Our sex life was great for years and we did have some great sex that was never second guessed. I mean the intentions of each other. I have all but stopped initiating sex as I just get shot down so much. Thus, I wont go unless she makes the first move. 

Many times she promises a fun night or daytimer, but it never happens. It always comes and go's. I try and act like it's OK, but just seem to get quite to avoid any confrontation. Thats what I do, just shut down and she takes that as I am upset. It has really put up this barrier between us. I reset her for no sex and lack of what I feel as effort, and I'm sure she feels something towards me.

I really try and be the good husband. I clean the house (not done right for her), text her nice notes during the day (she's angry as it bothers her), Buy her flowers (she gets pissed as now she has to cut the stems and make a mess), try and give her that nonsexual touch that all the women want, cook a nice sunday dinner date night and get cleaned up and wear something nice (she comes in from cleaning the garage and just sits down with no effort to make the nice romantic), the list just goes on for me. It seems like she puts in zero effort to making the marriage romantic anymore. Man, I never though that I would be the one saying this. I feel like such a women.

She is a very giving person, to everyone. Her family is pretty much a bunch of idiots and she has to do everything for her parents. Her mom is very dependant and calls her at least 5 times a day to talk about nothing (she gets made when I bring this up). It alwasy seems like everyone and everything in her life comes before our marriage. I get the leftovers. I continually make the comments that she needs HER time. But it seldom happens.

We (or I at first) did go to a counsler. 50% for my job stress and 50% for this problem. She did attend 2 sessions and feels the marriage is fine. We stopped there and I still feel the same way. We tried to talk openly and I did mention I feel unappreciated, but it never resulted in any changes. It only fueled my feelings of second guessing her intentions when we do have sex. She makes the comments like she is just a bad wife and I am putting pressure on her for sex and sulking.

There isn't any cheating going on, as we pretty much know each others where abouts all day long. I have thought about it recently though, just due to sheer frustration. I sometimes think about just leaving, but really would miss her. 

I'm just really at a loss for if I have a right to be upset or if I am just being a baby. I hate to think that this is just life and now I have nothing left in life but to grow old complaining and die. 

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Just trying to get the info out for you all to offer opinions. Thanks for letting me rant.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Sorry for the typo's, hope you get my drift though.

Meant to say the "sex", not "sucks".


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

SOunds like the way things are is fine to her. She will not be motivated to change... ie do nice things or romantic things for your relationship bc she is fine with the way things have become. 

My advice is to NOT talk about it anymore and just leave her alone. She will either miss you or not. If she doesnt then you know where you really stand. Apparently, the low libido spouse gets irritated with repeat suggestions and advances from the high libido spouse... which makes it worse. It seems she is repulsed by your attempts (flowers being a mess, etc). Try reverse psychology on her... or you can keep trying and get to the point where you are so frustrated, dejected and humiliated that you dont want it anymore, and dont care.

With no kids you have freedom of choice... to stay and try or go and explore. To me, if there are no kids and its obviously gone between the tow of you, there is no reason to try to recreate something thats no recreatable.


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

I would suggest that you make certain there is no one else emotionally. That could be the cause of her disinterest. Her mind is somewhere else.


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## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

I think you have the right to be upset and make sure she is either not cheating or is/has separated from you emotionally before she decides that it's time for a divorce.


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## ThomasAquinas (Sep 9, 2009)

I mean no offense by this, but she is quite a bit older than you, and is approaching the age of menopause (45+). This could have a profound effect on her level of desire. Or, perhaps she's had a change in medication? Maybe working with a doctor, in such a situation, would work better than a psychologist.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ThomasAquinas said:


> I mean no offense by this, but she is quite a bit older than you, and is approaching the age of menopause (45+). This could have a profound effect on her level of desire. Or, perhaps she's had a change in medication? Maybe working with a doctor, in such a situation, would work better than a psychologist.


im dealing with the beginning stages of menopause with my wife and i dont know who she is anymore. scary


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Thanks for the replies.

A few commments..

We do have sex, about 2-3 times a week. But as of recently (about a year) I always feel like questioning her motives. I mean, I think she is always doing it just for me. She says she does like sex and is horney, but i quess my feelings are just the by product of being shot down so much and the resentment of having no control over our sex life. 

I dont think it's menopause. We are both fitness freaks, We both have competed in Bodybuilding and fitness comps. She was also a competive/semi pro athelete for 30 years and has always had under 10% bodyfat. She stopped having the periods around 25 due to the low bodyfat levels. We both see doctors and have blood work done twice a year and all levels are in range.

I dont think there are any emotional friends. We are pretty much together most days as she works for my company, but we hold differnt hours to allow some alone time. 

I just feel like I am the women in this relationship. I cant believe I am the one posting on websites about stuff like this, complaining I feel unappreciated, ext... Just never thought it would be me.


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## ThomasAquinas (Sep 9, 2009)

Having sex 2-3 times a week and you say it seems like she's doing it just for you. That sucks, but it does show that she's trying, even if she has low desire. I wouldn't rule out menopause or perimenopause. Being an extreme athlete doesn't offer any special protection. If she's to the point where she has stopped menstruating, she probably needs help regulating her hormones anyways. Loss of a menstrual cycle can lead to osteoperosis. Perimenopause can be a long period prior to menopause, it can last years, where a woman will have very uneven and irregular levels of hormones. Don't you think it's strange that all this happened just recently, after you've had such a great relationship? I'm sure she still loves you, don't give up on her.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I just reread your posts. You stated that she plans these daytimers and fun things and doesnt follow through and then you go silent and you think that she thinks you are mad... hmmm. Of course she thinks you are mad. When a man goes silent, women think something is bothering him. I just dealt with somehting like this yesterday here at my home. Husband had promised a romantic evening with dinner out and all. He didnt mention it all day and when he got home, after saying hello, he pointed out the candles outside on the deck that needed to be put away. That was it. I walked around and waited to find out what we were doing and in his absence of mentioning going out, I mentioned he could finish the tacos that I had made from last night. Instead, I should have said "oh, I thought we were going to have our romantic dinner out?" 

Perhaps you could remind her next time and excitedly start it. 

Or, since you stated in your follow up that you have sex 2-3 times per week... and you have been together for many years... could it be something with you being bored and not with her? 

You originally posted that she had a low desire, but if she is doing it and getting into it that often, and as you said YOU cant help but feel she is just doing it... then maybe you are projecting something going on within yourself onto her.

Just some more thoughts


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Choose2love..Thanks for your comments, there may be solme validity there.

I enjoy cooking and Sunday is known as date night, in which I cook and we have some great wine. It takes about an hour or so to prepare, and during that time I am in the kitchen, she will be walking through. Often she is on the phone (with her parents for the 5 time that day) or on the PC. I shout out the 15 minute warning and it before you know it dinner is ready, wine poured, and she just walks up and sits down in her casual clothes or what ever. I just take this as a real lack of effort on her part to put any effort into romantic things. 

Our sex life has been fun and good until about a year ago. We went to some fun places and had some fun experiences that charged up our sex lives, but the past year things have flatlined. I think the stress of business, the economy, her deadbeat family, ext... are just weighing heavier on her. Or, I know how to just not sweat the small stuff.

I do think your correct that I am starting to get bored. I'm finding it harder and harder to "complete the deal" on my part as it is seaming too routine. So, during sex I have this stress that I'm taking too long and she is getting upset or tired. So, I take the lead so I can seal the deal, and thus always feel like I am the one in charge and she isn't putting in an effort. This stress just keeps building and I think I'm just fed up with it.

I know that I am not perfect, and not the easiest to live with. I do know there are alwasy three sides to every story.. His, Her's, and the truth, so I guess I just posted here in an effort to either be called a wimp and suck it up or be reassured that I may have some items to work on with the bride.

Thanks for your comments, I do appreciate them.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What we do sometimes. We are both 47 and both really fit. So we have a compromise on sexual frequency: twice a week. This is a happy middle ground for both of us. I want more, she wants less. But the compromise is a "soft" agreement. On any given night, if she is really having a tough time, I don't even ask. But if everything is "normal", then I can ask - and my reject rate is zero because she won't reject - worst thing she will do is as for one day delay and then we connect the next day. 

But some nights we just have "warmup" nights. We give each other killer, sensual full body massages until someone cries "mercy". Those are great fun and they set the stage for tomorrow....

Like you - I have had my share of nights where wife thought she was "in the mood" early in the day - something happened - next thing I know - this great romantic connection just does not happen. And that makes me angry. Ugh!!! So wife tries hard not to disappoint and to apologize if she does. 










Minncouple said:


> Choose2love..Thanks for your comments, there may be solme validity there.
> 
> I enjoy cooking and Sunday is known as date night, in which I cook and we have some great wine. It takes about an hour or so to prepare, and during that time I am in the kitchen, she will be walking through. Often she is on the phone (with her parents for the 5 time that day) or on the PC. I shout out the 15 minute warning and it before you know it dinner is ready, wine poured, and she just walks up and sits down in her casual clothes or what ever. I just take this as a real lack of effort on her part to put any effort into romantic things.
> 
> ...


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## ccray (Jun 4, 2010)

You mentioned she has a lot of family obligations and a mother who calls 5 times a day... has this situation been getting worse? Maybe she's just worn out! Too many demands could kill anyone's desire.


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