# Husband didn't bother to come home last night...



## isittime

So it’s 7:07 am and my husband has still not come home from going out last night. I have tried calling and his cell and he doesn’t answer. 
This is the last straw. I have been wanting a divorce for a long time now. I have brought it up several times to him and he says that we need to try harder, go back to counseling (we went once a week for over a year, all appointments initiated by me), that all couples go through hard times. I have asked him to move out to go stay with a friend or family member for a while so we can think things through and get some space, he refuses.
He always said that there is no reason for a married person to stay out past bar close. He has always insisted that if I go out with friends that I come home, to call and he would come get me. This includes when I have went out with my friends that live in a town 40 minutes away. In the 7 years we have been together I have always came home and always by 1:00 am. I go out about 3-4 times a year.
He has done this several times before not come home or come home 4, 5, 6 am. 
I know when he comes home he will be hung over and just want to go sleep it off and not talk. He’ll have some excuse and tell me I’m acting crazy and have no reason to be upset. He’ll then say he won’t care if I did the same. Easy to say when I don’t and wouldn’t.

We have two young children – 3 and 2 and I have two older girls 13 and 10. I have no family close by at all. How do I get him out of the house until a divorce can be done?


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## richie33

Does he have a substance abuse problem? Unless he called and told you he had too much too drink and was going to sleep it off there is no excuse for not coming home. Not sure you can get someone to leave unless the agree to. 
What he is doing is not setting a good example to his kids. Sorry you are going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

That would certainly be a deal breaker for me.


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## Tigger

Do you have a friend you can stay with for a few days?

Just leave and not say where you are going for a few days. Don't answer your phone, nothing.


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## WorkingOnMe

Maybe he was in an accident. Or slept in the car to not drive drunk.


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## isittime

He went out for his sister’s 40 b-day party. I stayed home with the kids. I woke up at 5 this morning and realized he wasn’t home. I tried calling and no answer. I waited until 8 and called my SIL. My BIL answered the phone and said that he last seen him around 12:30 and he was going to go to downtown – where all the collage kids hang out – with my nieces husband and his friend (who is a big partier and womanizer). I tried calling niece but no answer. She works at hospital so not sure if she is working, or they are still all hung over sleeping.
I am about 100% positive he is just sleeping somewhere. One other time he stayed out late and decide to sleep at his mother’s house rather than come home to be upset and have to deal with the kids being up and loud, as he needed to sleep. He avoided my phone calls too then. So I’m assuming he is somewhere doing the same. 
He does not have a substance abuse problem. He doesn’t drink very often at all, when he does he either has one or two or he seems to over do it like last night. Since having the kids he has done this probably about three times.
However, he always just comes and goes as he pleases. It’s pretty frequent for him to leave in the evening after the kids are in bed and not come home until after midnight. He says he’s up at work working on things or hanging out with friends. He makes plans whenever he wants and doesn’t me er check with to see if I have anything I want/need to do. I’m always left with the kids and to figure out/arrange a sitter if I want/need to something and he’s made plans. 
He would never tolerate this behavior from me. But if I say that when he comes home tonight, he’ll just say if you want to go out all night tonight do it, I don’t care.
I would love to leave if he refuses, but I have 4 kids to take with me. Not easy to find somewhere for a 5 people to go. Plus my kids are in school and my closet family is over an hour away. He grew up in the town we live in and all his family and friends are here. It would be so much easier for him to leave and stay somewhere else. He did last night.


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## isittime

WorkingOnMe said:


> Maybe he was in an accident. Or slept in the car to not drive drunk.


I doubt it, I think I would have heard something by now. He was in town, didn't need to go out of town at all. He could have called a cab to give him a ride home or he could have called me. 

Besides that, he could have called to tell me he wasn't comaing home or he could just answer his phone now and tell me where he is and when he plans to come home.


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## isittime

Tigger said:


> Do you have a friend you can stay with for a few days?
> 
> Just leave and not say where you are going for a few days. Don't answer your phone, nothing.


I will not just leave my kids. So no, notan option. Besides if I did go out tonight and do the same to prove my point. He wouldn't call at all and tell me that he didn't care - just to prove his point that "it's not a big deal."


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## IsGirl3

It will take a while, but I think the only way to get him out is to start divorce proceedings, and then hopefully with a judge's ruling, he will have to leave. This guy isn't a good husband or father. It's time to do what you have to to leave.


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## Terry_CO

Either he got blasted drunk and is sleeping it off, and/or he buckled under pressure from niece's husband's friend and hooked up with some drunk college girl. Either way, you two have some serious work ahead of you if you want things to work. HE has to be willing to go to counselling for it to work. You can't force that.

If he isn't, it sounds like his evenings out are more important to him than his family, and it's time to give him the ole heave-ho. You can't get him out of the house without a divorce unless he agrees, or unless he's abusive to you or the kids.


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## that_girl

Yea. His shet would be out on the yard. Unless there's a TRUE emergency, there's NO reason to not get your phone. Sorry. I've been piss drunk and still picked up my phone. It's just courtesy.


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## Anon Pink

:moon::moon:That is the height of inconsiderate, selfish behavior!

Throw. The. Bastard. OUT! Don't let him back until he grows a pair ND grows up. And do it on a day when he's hung over....Puuuuuurrrrrfect!


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## Aunt Ava

isittime said:


> So it’s 7:07 am and my husband has still not come home from going out last night. I have tried calling and his cell and he doesn’t answer.
> This is the last straw. I have been wanting a divorce for a long time now. What has stopped you from proceeding with a divorce?
> 
> I have brought it up several times to him and he says that we need to try harder, go back to counseling (we went once a week for over a year, all appointments initiated by me), that all couples go through hard times. . Actions speak louder than words. He says try harder...sounds like that means you do what he wants.
> 
> I have asked him to move out to go stay with a friend or family member for a while so we can think things through and get some space, he refuses. . If he won't leave, do you have a spare room you can move his things into? Otherwise, ask an attorney to find out what you need to do.
> 
> He always said that there is no reason for a married person to stay out past bar close. . Very true words...so where is he?
> 
> He has always insisted that if I go out with friends that I come home, to call and he would come get me. This includes when I have went out with my friends that live in a town 40 minutes away. In the 7 years we have been together I have always came home and always by 1:00 am. I go out about 3-4 times a year.
> He has done this several times before not come home or come home 4, 5, 6 am. . What were the consequences when he came home at 4, 5, and 6am? So you have to follow the rules, he can do whatever he wants. For him, thats a win win situation. Why would he change?
> 
> I know when he comes home he will be hung over and just want to go sleep it off and not talk. I guess throwing a pitcher of ice water on his head probably isn't he smartest thing to do, but I would be sorely tempted.
> 
> He’ll have some excuse and tell me I’m acting crazy and have no reason to be upset. . The term for this is "gas lighting"
> He’ll then say he won’t care if I did the same. Easy to say when I don’t and wouldn’t.
> 
> We have two young children – 3 and 2 and I have two older girls 13 and 10. I have no family close by at all. How do I get him out of the house until a divorce can be done? . You really need to consult with an attorney, the sooner the better.


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## Emerald

I am very sorry about this. Of course you don't leave. 

You have some tough decisions to make. Your right, he could have called you for a ride home or at least let you know what is going on.

It is very disrespectful & immature to make you worry. He may be out cheating...you really don't know.

You can't make him leave the home so forget about that. All you can do is set up your boundaries & the consequences if he crosses them.

Good luck.


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## Drover

so both of you regularly go out drinking w/o the other and stay out all night? can't imagine why this marriage would be in trouble.


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## isittime

Emerald said:


> You can't make him leave the home so forget about that. All you can do is set up your boundaries & the consequences if he crosses them.


It doesn't seem as if I can have any boundaries or consequences. He doesn't seem to care if he upsets me. He knows that time will pass. He'll just say "what do you care, you said you wanted a divorce anyways, what does it matter if I don't come home, you said you wanted me to move out." 

Like I said he feels he can come and go as he pleases. I get so resentful of the fact that he can do whatever he wants and I am the one stuck being the adult and parent taking care of the home and kids.

I have often thought that if we were divorced then he would be at least court ordered to take care of the kids and give me a break to have some free time to myself. Isn't that just awful to think?

He'll act as though he is so helpful and a wonderful husband and father (which the kids do adore him) and that I'm so lucky to have him. He works hard, he provides well for us, he thinks that's all that matters.


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## isittime

Drover said:


> so both of you regularly go out drinking w/o the other and stay out all night? can't imagine why this marriage would be in trouble.


No, you must not have read this post well. I go out with my girlfriends about 3 times a year. To celebrate birthdays or a special occastion. I drink also about 3 time a year. I don't call that regular - maybe you do?

My husband goes out more with his friends, however I would not say frequently - not even monthly. Well I guess I should say drinking. He does get together with his friends frequently to do things - help each other out with car repairs, home repairs, moving, etc.


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## sunshinetoday

Bag up his stuff and put it out in yard! His behavior is unacceptable for a married man.


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## Aunt Ava

Drover said:


> so both of you regularly go out drinking w/o the other and stay out all night? can't imagine why this marriage would be in trouble.


I believe she wrote that she goes out 3 or 4 times a year and is always home by 1 am.


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## richie33

Look into MC. Make a appointment and both go. You sound like you still love your husband and don't really want a divorce. That your feed up with his behavior. I maybe reading it wrong. Sounds like your husband needs to grow up and stop being selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## isittime

Terry_CO said:


> Either way, you two have some serious work ahead of you if you want things to work. HE has to be willing to go to counselling for it to work. You can't force that.


We did do counseling for over a year - going once a week. I am the one that made all the appointments and even at times went by myself. I decided to quit going because husband said that I wasn't putting the effort into it and he was. 

Which was not true. When the counselor asked us to do tasks out of the office I did do them - or attempted to do them with him. He didn't or didn't think it was necessary or didn't see the point. His main thing about counseling was that I have depression and really need to get medication to make me happier and so that I can accept my marriage the way it is. He even told me recently he tried to talk to my mom about how he felt I needed to get on some medication. 

I talked with the counselor alone many times. She said since I find pleasure and happiness at work, with my kids, with my friends, etc that she did not feel I had depression that needed medication.

Do you think it's worth going back to counseling? Husband said he wanted to, yet hasn't made any setup an appointment.


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## that_girl

Nope. DO NOT do any of the work to fix this. Make some boundaries for yourself and stick to them.

Like move his shet out.


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## isittime

Aunt Ava said:


> I believe she wrote that she goes out 3 or 4 times a year and is always home by 1 am.


Yes, and 1 am is extremely rare for me. I can barley make it to 11:00! Plus I can not drink excessively - for I always have to be a mommy bright and early every morning. No sleeping in for me!


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## PBear

The reason why he doesn't care about your boundaries and consequences is because either a) the consequences aren't severe enough or b)you're not enforcing them. 

If it's the first one, the benefits outweigh the cost, so you need to up the cost of his actions. That may involve being willing to file for divorce to wake him up. 

If it's the last one, you're teaching him that you can be safely ignored. YOUR actions have taught him that your words are just hot air. You need to change that, and start following through with what you say.

Personally, I think there's more to the story than him going out "several times and not coming home till 4, 5, or 6". While that may be extremely rude and frustrating, it doesn't seem like enough to uproot the lives of 6 people. It's more like the straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing. So what other reasons do you have for wanting to divorce?

C


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## Drover

so the few times he came home late was over several years? I'm not saying it's ok or appropriate behavior by any means, but not worth throwing him out over (assuming he just drank too much and wasn't out whoring around). Make it clear how you feel about this. Early in my marriage I worked at a place where going out drinking was a common thing. Some nights I stayed out pretty late. I honestly never had any idea the impact it had on my wife. It's only years later that I get it.


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## Drover

Reading the rest of this thread now, here's my take. Neither of you is getting what you need from the other. You need to have some talks about what you're both getting and not getting from the other, why you need it and how you're going to make it happen. Both of you need to set clearly defined boundaries and expectations and talk to make sure you both actually care about/enough to work at meeting the other's needs expectations.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I'm assuming you live in the USA and, therefore, CANNOT force him out of the marital home.

1. Call a divorce attorney on Monday. First consultation is usually free.

2. Get an STD test. SERIOUSLY, do it! You owe it to yourself and your kids to know you're healthy.

3. Move YOUR STUFF into another bedroom. If that means the kids have to double up, so be it. It won't kill them.

4. If you are in a bedroom by yourself, install a lock on the door. No "booty-calls" for STBXH.

5. Tell him you are filing for divorce and have already seen a lawyer.

6. Tell him you had an STD test and are awaiting the results.

7. Contact your family and let them know that you have filed for divorce and would like their support.

8. Do NOT waste your time on any more MC. Look, you guys already did A SOLID YEAR of it; and what was the result? He didn't take it seriously, he didn't do the work, he didn't care if you went or not, he tried to sabotage it. But NOW he's SUDDENLY going to have AN EPIPHANY and quit being a douche as a husband? Yeah! SO NOT going to happen!

If he goes to counseling, he will do the BARE MINIMUM necessary to say "Look, I'm TRYING." Big deal! Words are NOTHING, ACTION is everything! His actions say, 'I want to live the way I want to live, and if you don't like it...I don't care.'

He is out till the morning. Drunk? Whoring? Both? Who knows? But he acts like you're a B1TCH for WANTING TO KNOW? You could have an STD! You have a RIGHT to know!

He feels entitled to live the 'single' life....hanging with friends/family in the evening INSTEAD OF spending time with wife & kids building a cohesive family unit. He feels entitled to come/go as he pleases with Mrs. Built-in Babysitter around to take care of all the adult problems at night while he's having fun! Well, I vote you give him 365/year of "fun, free" nights! Have at it! Have fun! Just don't forget to support your kids, you heel!

If you want to be in a better place in your life in February of NEXT YEAR, then get started straightening out this mess and disentangling yourself from this man-child. He is a POOR ROLE MODEL for ALL of your children (boys & girls).


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## isittime

So he called about 10:15 and said "what's going on?" I said "why don't you tell me." He said "what do you mean? what's the big deal, why you been calling?" I said "are you seriously going to act like you did nothing wrong, no big deal you didn't come home or even call me?" He said "no, I didn't do anythigin wrong, it's not a big deal, did you want me to drive drunk?" I was so steaming bad I just hung up.

He then text me and said "you need to chill out, I'm not in the mood for your drama." 
I text him back and told him to call me.
he said why can't we just text.
I said call before you come home.
He said "boss soomeone else."

I told him that he is the one that said he wanted to work on this marraige and it is clear by these actions he does not. I told him to call me so we can discuss on phone rather than when he gets home in front of the kids. I told him that I thought his behavior was disrespectful and inconsidereated towards me and the kids and he would never put up with from me, so why does he fell it's okay for him to behavior this way.

No response yet.


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## that_girl

He sound likes a teenager. DO what SGW said. Best post ever. Your husband is a child. Don't engage in his lunacy. Say nothing more. NOTHING. Don't argue, just do. Be proactive now...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Why are you engaging in these arguments and trying to 'justify' your position? It just pisses both of you off.

A.) He either TRULY believes there is 'nothing wrong' with not coming home, not phoning, not answering his phone. 

or 

B.) He wants out of this marriage and is too gutless to pull the trigger. He wants YOU to file so YOU can "be the bad guy" and he can be the "martyr".

Either way, this is NO marriage! Trying to blame-shift by making HIS UNACCEPTABLE behavior into YOUR DRAMA is bullshyt. Tell him it's BS and tell him you're through asking about it and through discussing it. Unless you'd care to have the regular arguement you have over this subject AGAIN ad nauseum.

By his DAILY behavior, he is TELLING you what he thinks of you, the kids, your marriage. You're HEARING him, but you either DON'T GET IT, or you think you can REASON him into proper behavior. If it's the former, re-read all the responses on this thread. If it's the latter, your attempts at reason will be futile.


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## that_girl

I'd say it's option B.


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## isittime

Now he text and said he was sorry that is was irresponsible and that he didn't mean to worry me, but was just afraid I would overreact like I am now.

I text him back and said "good idea about texting, now I have a paper trail. My lawyer will love having this incident in writing." I told him that he is not really sorry, his actions and previous words he spoke to me prove it. I told him I meant what i said and his sorry's are meaningless to me.

I told him that he could either go stay somewhere else till we can short through things or that I can pack up all 4 kids and move into my mothers' 2 bedroom apartment and communte over an hour to work and the kids school each day the choice is his. I know I have to go through with it if he decides to stay and I am prepared for that. I just really hate to do this to my kids, but no way do I want them thinking this behavior is okay. 

Maybe staying out all night and not calling doesn't happen frequently, but the disrespectful behavior and way he talks to me is a daily occurance.


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## that_girl

:rofl:

Sorry to laugh. Truly. But he was worried that you'd get upset??? Is he 5? And furthermore, that's a load of horseshet. You know it. A simple text to say he was staying somewhere because he was drunk would NOT have made you as upset as you are now. You may have been frustrated and/or disappointed but THIS sent you over the edge.

Cut this fish lose. Seriously. He is manipulative and childish.


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## isittime

that_girl said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Sorry to laugh. Truly. But he was worried that you'd get upset??? Is he 5? And furthermore, that's a load of horseshet. You know it. A simple text to say he was staying somewhere because he was drunk would NOT have made you as upset as you are now. You may have been frustrated and/or disappointed but THIS sent you over the edge.
> 
> Cut this fish lose. Seriously. He is manipulative and childish.


It's just a way to not take responsibility and say it is my fault. Pretty typical of him. 

And sorry, but you got somewhere to sleep - so if you were able to get there - why were you not able to get home? It's below zero here, so he did not sleep in his car. We have a tax service 24/7 - no excuses.


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## Jasel

If you have a habit of making threats and giving ultimatums that you've never backed up he's not going to take them or you seriously. Which is why I'm a firm believer of not drawing lines in the sand for your spouse if you're not willing to lay down the consequences when they cross them.

If I were you I wouldn't make any more threats, I wouldn't complain to him about his behavior because he obviously doesn't take your complaints seriously. What have you done to show him that he should??

You need to just file for divorce, have him served and hope that wakes him up to how serious you are. And if he begs, makes promises, etc do not waffle until he SHOWS you that he's serious about changing. And there's no guarantee that he is or even can. Words don't mean anything unless they're backed up with action.


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## isittime

I know I've been terrible at following through. I always cave because I hate the thought of splitting up our home and putting the kids through this. 

I have looked into divorce before and it seem so overwhelming. A long drawn out court fight over everything is not what I want. It breaks my heart for the kids.


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## KathyBatesel

isittime said:


> He went out for his sister’s 40 b-day party. I stayed home with the kids. I woke up at 5 this morning and realized he wasn’t home. I tried calling and no answer. I waited until 8 and called my SIL. My BIL answered the phone and said that he last seen him around 12:30 and he was going to go to downtown – where all the collage kids hang out – with my nieces husband and his friend (who is a big partier and womanizer). I tried calling niece but no answer. She works at hospital so not sure if she is working, or they are still all hung over sleeping.
> I am about 100% positive he is just sleeping somewhere. One other time he stayed out late and decide to sleep at his mother’s house rather than come home to be upset and have to deal with the kids being up and loud, as he needed to sleep. He avoided my phone calls too then. So I’m assuming he is somewhere doing the same.
> He does not have a substance abuse problem. He doesn’t drink very often at all, when he does he either has one or two or he seems to over do it like last night. Since having the kids he has done this probably about three times.
> However, he always just comes and goes as he pleases. It’s pretty frequent for him to leave in the evening after the kids are in bed and not come home until after midnight. He says he’s up at work working on things or hanging out with friends. He makes plans whenever he wants and doesn’t me er check with to see if I have anything I want/need to do. I’m always left with the kids and to figure out/arrange a sitter if I want/need to something and he’s made plans.
> He would never tolerate this behavior from me. But if I say that when he comes home tonight, he’ll just say if you want to go out all night tonight do it, I don’t care.
> I would love to leave if he refuses, but I have 4 kids to take with me. Not easy to find somewhere for a 5 people to go. Plus my kids are in school and my closet family is over an hour away. He grew up in the town we live in and all his family and friends are here. It would be so much easier for him to leave and stay somewhere else. He did last night.


Well, you said you want to divorce, so what's keeping you from doing it? 

If you're not ready to divorce, I'd find an excuse to leave the kids with him while I "dash to the store for a few minutes" or something, but then I wouldn't come home until the next day. Let him feel for himself what that's like, and then I'd say that he could expect that from me every time he does it to me. When he called me childish, I would agree and say, "Yep. I will be vengeful and immature, but that's the way it'll be."


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## Jasel

isittime said:


> I have looked into divorce before and it seem so overwhelming. A long drawn out court fight over everything is not what I want. It breaks my heart for the kids.


Ya it is a process. Divorce isn't easy on anyone. And I'm not saying you have to go through with it. I'm just saying you should at the very least file.

But your husband doesn't take you seriously, and I'm pretty sure he knows you're more inclined to not go anywhere and just accept the situation as it is as opposed to taking steps to move on. You need to show him otherwise.



> I always cave because I hate the thought of splitting up our home and putting the kids through this.


This is not on you, this is on him. He's obviously thinking of himself and his needs while yours are an afterthought to him, if that. You can either take the steps to force his hand or move on with your life sooner rather than later, or you can remain in the situation you're in and just learn to accept it. Because it seems pretty clear your husband has no intention of taking you seriously unless you show him you're serious.

Like I said "Words don't mean anything unless they're backed up with action."


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## Tigger

KathyBatesel said:


> Well, you said you want to divorce, so what's keeping you from doing it?
> 
> If you're not ready to divorce, I'd find an excuse to leave the kids with him while I "dash to the store for a few minutes" or something, but then I wouldn't come home until the next day. Let him feel for himself what that's like, and then I'd say that he could expect that from me every time he does it to me. When he called me childish, I would agree and say, "Yep. I will be vengeful and immature, but that's the way it'll be."


:iagree:

It is the weekend. 
It would be great if you did that. Say you were going to the store. Leave and go check into a nice spa room in a hotel somewhere. Leave him with the kids and no knowing where you are until the next day.

You know what your problem is already.
You have made threats to him and not followed through.
In his mind you are weak and blah blah blah. She'll get over it is a few days.


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## Anon Pink

I disagree about leaving him at home with the kids while you dissert. It's the old, "two wrongs don't make a right" and you don't want to get into a one upmanship battle. I also don't think you should leave. Call a support person, your Mom or someone, and have them be at your home before he gets there. Once he arrives, hand him an empty bag and tell him he has 1/2 hour to pack what he needs for the next week. Then tell him he can spend some time with his children tomorrow but right now he needs to leave the home.

You need to get him out of the house and feeling the consequences BEFORE he has a chance to make you feel like you're the *****y out of control nag. You need another person there so he can't play dirty and you stay strong.

I bet once he's had a night or two sleeping on the couch, with you NOT responding to ANY attempt to communicate, he will come to realize he's really done it this time.

Actions, not words, ACTIONS.


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## KathyBatesel

Anon Pink said:


> I disagree about leaving him at home with the kids while you dissert. It's the old, "two wrongs don't make a right" and you don't want to get into a one upmanship battle. I also don't think you should leave. Call a support person, your Mom or someone, and have them be at your home before he gets there. Once he arrives, hand him an empty bag and tell him he has 1/2 hour to pack what he needs for the next week. Then tell him he can spend some time with his children tomorrow but right now he needs to leave the home.
> 
> You need to get him out of the house and feeling the consequences BEFORE he has a chance to make you feel like you're the *****y out of control nag. You need another person there so he can't play dirty and you stay strong.
> 
> I bet once he's had a night or two sleeping on the couch, with you NOT responding to ANY attempt to communicate, he will come to realize he's really done it this time.
> 
> Actions, not words, ACTIONS.


It's not two wrongs if there's "nothing wrong with" disappearing (in his mind.) That will get the message across without her having to complain or make him the bad guy.


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## isittime

I could never just leave the house, leaving my kids behind and not letting anyone know where I was really going or when I would really be back. I just simply could never be that irresponsible or inconsiderate. Besides I would be way to worried if we have to go to court for any custody issues it would be used against me. 

Yesterday I left with the girls to go to my moms around 5:30pm. Husband still hadn't come home. Because he says he wanted to avoid me freaking out on him over all of it and "spare the kids". 

We stayed over at my moms. I said I would only come home if he would stay at a friends for awhile. I said he was not going to come and go as he pleases and treat me, our family or our marriage like this. That when it's convienent for him then he wants to be around or for apprearence sakes. He fought it, but after awhile did finally agree to it.

I came back home today around 3:00 and he was gone. He did say he wanted to see the kids so I said he could come over at supper time to see them and leave when they went to bed. When they went to bed he went in the kitchen got a drink and went down to our family room to go on the computer. Then his friend called and I could hear him laughing around with him about his weekend and saying I had been "ragging" on him. 

I then went down and told him the girls were in bed and it was time to leave. He freaked out and said I was being so immature and that I can dictate when he can and can't be home. I said why is it ok for him to stay somewhere else (a week ago he went on a 6 day out of state trip with his friends - then didn't come home this weekend) when he wants to and is ok with it, but if I want him to then it's not ok. I told him I could not stand to be in the house with him, talk to him or even look at him that he HAD to leave.

When he had been home with the girls I had tried to be in a different room at all times and did not speak to him or look at him. I just couldn't. I knew I would not be able to pretend everythiing was fine for the kids sake.

So he did leave. But says it's not because I wanted him to or because I "said to" it was because he felt the kids deserve better than to hear us fight. Of course looking like the martyr. 

I worry that he'll just come sneak back in the house tonight after I'm in bed and sleep in the guest room (where he sleeps all the time anyways). He will do that often. If we fight and he don't want to listen to it he'll leave and come back late at night when he knows I'll be sleeping and sneak in and go to bed. So not sure what to do if he does that.


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## alphabravo

The dude is a coward.

You said: " I always cave because I hate the thought of splitting up our home and putting the kids through this."

He knows this and he also knows he wants an "out" for the marriage so all the blame can be put on you. So what he will do is keep pushing you, keep making you erase that line in the sand, keep pushing and pushing until........

you snap. And then he'll point at YOU as the problem and laugh his way through the courts saying HE was the victim.

You know what will scare the heck out of him? Divorce him while you are still married. Don't talk, text....just yes and no. Phase him out. Ignore him. And why?

Because you my dear are screwed unless you get a grip and re-establish your identity. Take the time now while you have it and while he is helping with the bills. Get a handle on the finances, work on your own skills and hobbies and act like you could care less about him.

He's a coward and co-dependent so he'll bounce back as soon as you bounce away.

Either way you need to get out.


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## PBear

You should talk to a lawyer, and find out your rights and obligations. You can use that information to help figure out what you want to do, and what your next steps are. The way it is right now, you likely can't force him out of the house if he decides he wants to live there.

I still think there's a bigger issue than him coming in late a few times a year... The comment about his sleeping in the spare room lately is another clue.

C


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## *LittleDeer*

You need to let him know that while yes either of you can come and go as you please, that mature adults don't do that to their spouse or children.

He is treating you very badly. I would let him know that he has broken your trust and put his friends and social life ahead of his wife and family and is acting like a teenage boy. Let him know that you want to be married to a man who puts his family first, and you wouldn't have to "rag" on him if he was behaving like an adult. Tell him you have no wish to be his mother, and are not sure you even want to be with him any more.

I think he needs to believe that he's going to lose you or he will not change.

Insist on marital counseling and have good clear boundaries for you to even consider taking him back.


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## isittime

One of the things he said was that I'm just not commited to the marriage and that is the biggest problem and wants to know what needs to be done to get me to commit. Because of that it wears on him and he just need to try to escape those problems for the night. 

It amazes me how he can always blame me. 

I'm glad I stood firm in insisting me needed to leave the house. Even though he agreed to earlier in the day, it's like he just thought my that time I would be tired or the arguing and not say anything to him.


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## isittime

PBear said:


> I still think there's a bigger issue than him coming in late a few times a year... The comment about his sleeping in the spare room lately is another clue.
> 
> C


Of course there are bigger issues here. We have been having some major struggles for months now. My husband talks to me very disrespectfully, demeaning, and derogatory at times. I can not have a conversation at all about anything without him either flying off the handle on me or just plain not having any interest or even listening. 

I switched departments at work and decided not to tell him and see how long it took him to question it. I talked about my new job responsiblities, mention the name of my new department, talked about my new co-workers, etc. SIX MONTHS later my stepdaughter wanted to interview me about my job for a school project. Husband asked why I didn't just say I do this and this for this department. I looked at him and said I don't work in that department anymore. He looked shocked and asked since when I said for six months now. THAT is how interested he is in me and my life and how much he listens to me and what I say. 

I could live with that and I would stay if it was just that. But it's the name calling, the deragatory and demeaning comments he makes towards me in front of the kids. 

I asked him a few weeks ago if he had come home at lunch because the garage door was open and I had sworen I had closed it when I left. His first words are "your such an idiot! you don't even know!" I walked away to gather myself and then when the kids were not around approuched him and said "why do you think it's ok to talk like that to me, to call me names like that and to do so in front of the kids? I iwas just trying to ask you something simple." He didn't even realize he had called me an idiot. It's just so second nature to talk to me that way.

Anyway - those are just a few examples. Although he is always the victim and always the one trying so hard to save the marriage and work on it. I'm sure if he posted on here, he would have a completely different story about how difficult I am and how much he puts up with. Starts to make me think I'm crazy or I do just need to try harder.


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## WorkingOnMe

You talk like all of the issues are his fault and you do nothing wrong. One thing I've learned here is that there's always two sides to a story. You talking about how you passive aggressively test him (changing jobs and waiting for him to notice) is very telling about how you treat him. He thinks you're not committed. What evidence do you have to refute that, other than the fact that you're sticking around, which doesn't count for anything.


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## EleGirl

isittime,

Legally you cannot kick him out of the house. It's his legal residence. If he wants to come home and live in his legal residence he has every right to do so.

If you remove his children (as opposted to the 2 that are only your children) from the home he can get a court order that they be returned to the family home. If the judge will not give him the court order for that, he can most likely get 50% custody so you would not have your two youngest half of the time.

Your asking him to leave is not reasonable at all.


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## EleGirl

Sounds to me like the both of you are not very respectful to each other. You do not tell him that you changed departments. Sure you talked to him about things you did at work but it did not register with him. Then you use the fact that he did not catch on to your little test as proof that he's not interested in you.

You played a game with him. That's not very nice at all.

You have told him that you want a divorce, that you want him out of the house, etc but you want commitment form him?

When he tells you where he was you tell him that you will use it as evidence with a divorce lawyer? But you want him to think that you are in this marriage? 

Sure he is not perfect. You are both not perfect and both not being respectful of each other. I’d love to have him come on here and give his side of the story.


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## isittime

WorkingOnMe said:


> You talk like all of the issues are his fault and you do nothing wrong. One thing I've learned here is that there's always two sides to a story. You talking about how you passive aggressively test him (changing jobs and waiting for him to notice) is very telling about how you treat him. He thinks you're not committed. What evidence do you have to refute that, other than the fact that you're sticking around, which doesn't count for anything.


Actually I said if he posted on here he would have a very different story of how difficult I am. I have my own faults I know. 

The reason I decided to not come out and say "Hey I switched departments." and instead just talk all about my new area and position was to see just how much he does listen. I am passive agressive - that I know. But I have learned over the years that husband is not very interested in what I do or what I say. Which has caused me to not really share much with him or open up much to him. I just don't see the point. I listen to him talk about his friends, family, job, interests, etc. But then yes, after awhile I just got sick of it all being so one-sided and just finally started to not actively engage in conversation with him. 

He has a daughter from previous relationship and his ex is extrememly difficult. I did everything I could to support him through that, goign to court, filling out paper work, obtaining documents. I would do everything I could for that little girl - watching her, pick ups, taking her places, buying her things. His ex was horrible and I felt he didn't stand up to me ever. Then in one court hearing she verbally attacked me and mention several things that were private that she could only have knowen from husband. I lost trust in him then and had no interest in over extending myself to the situation anymore. So I disengaged from it. I am no longer very close to my stepdaughter - when at one time she spent more time with me than either parent. This has been a hard hit on our marriage and I know he resents me that I don't pick up his ex's slack or will watch her whenever he wants to run off with friends like he use to. 

I guess over time and due to several situations, I have just seemed to loose feelings. I have stayed due to the kids. I did ask him to do marriage counceling - twice. The second time we did it weekly for over a year. I scheduled all the appointments and at times went alone, as he was to busy to make it. Our counselor would give us "assignments" to do and I would always do them or if they were ones we were to do together, I would try. He didn't and would have an excuse. 

He often does not want to talk in the evening because he is tired and wants to relax, so pretty much talking or trying any of the assignments the counselor would ask us to do was out during the week.

We have a lot of kids - 5 total - and I put a LOT of my time and energy into them. They are my life and focus and I am so greatful I have them. Husband always thinks what he wants to do comes first and will often be off with friends on the weekends (we both work all week) and then I'm left with the kids and running them to things. I often build a lot of resentment that I never get a break or even just a companion at the kids events. 

We have not slept together in two years. After having our young children he did not want to be woken during the night so he moved to a different level of the home to the guest room. I was left to all night time duties, even on the weekends. We have a 3y/o and 2y/o. The 2y/o just started sleeping through the night about 3 months ago. I would be exhausted beyond belief and would get extremely irritable and cranky due to it. I resented the fact he would never give me a night of sleep, give me a break from it - not even the weekends. When I would beg him to, try to talk to him about it, reason with him - he would blow it off and continue to go downstairs. Or would say he would sleep upstairs and maybe start up stairs, but then quickly go back downstairs. 

I guess I have a lot of resentment and anger towards him and can't let it go. But I have yet to see him do one thing different or an ACTION that should he wanted to change how things are and IMPROVE them.


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## isittime

EleGirl said:


> Sounds to me like the both of you are not very respectful to each other. You do not tell him that you changed departments. Sure you talked to him about things you did at work but it did not register with him. Then you use the fact that he did not catch on to your little test as proof that he's not interested in you.
> 
> You played a game with him. That's not very nice at all.
> 
> You have told him that you want a divorce, that you want him out of the house, etc but you want commitment form him?
> 
> When he tells you where he was you tell him that you will use it as evidence with a divorce lawyer? But you want him to think that you are in this marriage?
> 
> Sure he is not perfect. You are both not perfect and both not being respectful of each other. I’d love to have him come on here and give his side of the story.


Ha, Ha - I would love for him to come on here to, but he never would. Not his thing. 

Actually he did not tell me where he was until my niece told me that he did not come back home with her husband. I have no idea where he stayed that night. It was not at my SIL house, my neices house (whom he was with them both that night) or my MIL house. Not sure where he was or how he ended up their after the bar and how he could end up there and not at home.

I guess I am looking for him to behave like he is married because HE is the one saying he wants to work on this marriage. He is the one saying he wants commitment and to improve things. Well his ACTIONS are saying the complete opposite. 

If he said "yes, this is not working, lets work towards sepeartion." Then no - I would not care if he comes home or when he comes home. If he would give me time out of the house with friends and not be restrictions on it (requiring me to always be home by a certain time, answer phone calls, not get drunk, etc) then why doesn't he follow his same rules. I get sick of his double standards - there are more than just these. 

Sorry - hard for me to show someone respect to someone that does not act respectable. I'm the one home each and every night taking care of my kids. And even when he was on his trip I was taking care of my stepdaughter so he could be off with his friends - over the years I have done this ALOT! I make sure the house is clean, the laundry done, the dishes wash, the groceries bought, supper made each and every day and go to work and take care of my kids - I don't just do it when there is nothing else going on or I feel like it. I don't sit and call my husband names, use foul language, I don't talk down about him to my children and I have a hard time showing respect to someone that is doing that to me. Sorry - don't know how to. I do my best to ignore it and that often comes with trying to talk to him and avoid him when home as much as possible.


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## EleGirl

You could put a gps tracker on his phone and find out where he goes. Just a thought. If he will not tell you where he was then that's bad.

If you are this unhappy, file for divorce. If there is one thing that just might wake him up, that's it. But you will most likely have to share the house with him until the divorce is final, unless he voluntarily moves out.


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## isittime

EleGirl said:


> isittime,
> 
> Legally you cannot kick him out of the house. It's his legal residence. If he wants to come home and live in his legal residence he has every right to do so.
> 
> If you remove his children (as opposted to the 2 that are only your children) from the home he can get a court order that they be returned to the family home. If the judge will not give him the court order for that, he can most likely get 50% custody so you would not have your two youngest half of the time.
> 
> Your asking him to leave is not reasonable at all.


Well physically I'm not able to kick him out of the house either. He made the choice to leave tonight. Yes, it's what I wanted and he didn't want to, but he did make the choice to leave. 

I AM able to take me children and go to my mom's for a night, which is what I did. He left at 7pm Friday night and at 5pm Saturday night is when I left to go to my moms. He would not answer my phone calls yes I could have text him, but guess what he could have done the same when he didn't want to come home. I was not keeping him from his kids. I am not required to remain at home with the kids until he feels like showing up at home.

And I would have NO problems GIVING him joint custody. I would LOVE to have some me time and for him to be more actively involved with the care of the kids. I would welcome it! I would welcome it NOW while we are still legally married. It would be wonderful and would probably improve our marriage, home, and family greatly.

I had no problem with him being here today with the kids, but just wasn't up for him sleeping here tonight and just going back to normal like everything is no big deal. Because I know he would want that to happen more than anything right now.


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## isittime

EleGirl said:


> You could put a gps tracker on his phone and find out where he goes. Just a thought. If he will not tell you where he was then that's bad.
> 
> If you are this unhappy, file for divorce. If there is one thing that just might wake him up, that's it. But you will most likely have to share the house with him until the divorce is final, unless he voluntarily moves out.


Yeah - the tracker - I would not do that. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. If he makes that choice or if he did make that choice, there really isn't much I can do about it. 

When I asked where he was at, he just avoided the question - wouldn't answer the text. Then said he was at his sisters and then I said ok, not now, but where did you sleep and he asked why we couldn't just drop it and stop fighting. That's when I asked again and he just didn't answer. 

I figure it will come out someday.


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## WorkingOnMe

Ya don't bother with the GPS. It looks like you guys are already done. You're just waiting for the right moment to go.


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## EleGirl

isittime said:


> Well physically I'm not able to kick him out of the house either. He made the choice to leave tonight. Yes, it's what I wanted and he didn't want to, but he did make the choice to leave.
> 
> I AM able to take me children and go to my mom's for a night, which is what I did. He left at 7pm Friday night and at 5pm Saturday night is when I left to go to my moms. He would not answer my phone calls yes I could have text him, but guess what he could have done the same when he didn't want to come home. I was not keeping him from his kids. I am not required to remain at home with the kids until he feels like showing up at home.
> 
> And I would have NO problems GIVING him joint custody. I would LOVE to have some me time and for him to be more actively involved with the care of the kids. I would welcome it! I would welcome it NOW while we are still legally married. It would be wonderful and would probably improve our marriage, home, and family greatly.
> 
> I had no problem with him being here today with the kids, but just wasn't up for him sleeping here tonight and just going back to normal like everything is no big deal. Because I know he would want that to happen more than anything right now.


Of course I was not talking about taking your children to your mom’s for the night. You said that if he did not go stay somewhere else you would move out with the children. That’s what I was talking about.

If you want him to take care of the children more then make plans to go out and just leave him with the children. That makes sense.


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## NewThingsGetOld

He sounds like a real POS.


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## isittime

EleGirl said:


> If you want him to take care of the children more then make plans to go out and just leave him with the children. That makes sense.


Yes, that does make sense and sounds simple enough, but it's not the way it works in our house. He is the one that says he is going to run an errand and comes back hours later. Last Wed he said he was going to take my stepdaughter back to her mom's around 8:30 and then came back home at midnight. She lives a mile away from our house.

He always has stuff to do or he says he doesn't and I think I can do something - even just go to the grocery store without kids and then a friend will call and he'll throw a fit about how he can never do anything and always has to stay home. So then I just tell him to go. Or he'll say "well just let me go do this first and then you can do what you want." Then gets home late and I don't feel like doing what I want anymore because I'm tired from being with the kids all day and it's late. 

One time he called me when I was out Christmas shopping and had been out for an hour and wanted me to come home because his friends had called and I could just finish what I was doing the next day. And again said how he never gets to do anything and his friends even asked if he could get out of his "prision". I did leave and went home.

One time I had my daughter's volleyball tournament and he just had to go to some event last minute with his friends. So I asked my mom to switch off time with me so we could both be there, however not together, and I wouldn't have to bring two toddlers to a tournament all day. 

I feel like he is gone ALL.THE.TIME. I can not understand how every time his friends call he is out the door, but says he is always home and never gets to do anything. None of his family will watch the girls so he never has to line up a sitter, I always do. He's at the point where if he wants to do something he lines it up and then just let's me know when he's walking out the door. 

I started to wonder if I was just blowing it out of proportion and if he had any legitamacy to his claim of hardly ever getting to do anything and "locked up" at home. So in my journal each night I started to just also put what he did, when he was home to give me an idea of what were BOTH were doing each day so I could reflect on it I've been doing it for months now and there is not one count of him not doings something he wanted to do. I have him staying out past the time I go to bed during the week about 2 times a week and being home no Saturdays. Although he does typically stay home on Friday nights because he is tired from the work week. 

However, just getting to do some one on one time with one of the girls outside of the home is difficult for me, because that means I have to get him or someone else to watch the other girls and then when I have to try to line up something just for that or running errands it makes it makes me not want to ever do something just for me.

And yes I have tried to discuss this with husband many times. He doesn't see it the way I do at all. He says if I want to do something I can just go do it. Well I hate to even plan anything with friends and then I'm so stressed wondering if I'm going to have to line up a sitter when the day arrives, because most of the time I do or I'm waiting and waiting for him to get back home and always late. 

I will give him credit that he does always watch the babies on Wednesday night when I take the three older girls to church. But that's about the only thing I can consistantly rely on him for and I think that is mostly because I take my stepdaughter to and he wants her to have that because she doesn't get any relgion exposure from her mom.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> it's the name calling, the deragatory and demeaning comments he makes towards me in front of the kids


If this is SO, then WHY are you so afraid to get divorced "because of what it would do to the kids!"

Makes no sense! They've already witnessed all the shyt; get divorced and give EVERYBODY some peace and quiet.


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## isittime

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> If this is SO, then WHY are you so afraid to get divorced "because of what it would do to the kids!"
> 
> Makes no sense! They've already witnessed all the shyt; get divorced and give EVERYBODY some peace and quiet.


I guess that I just am worried it will esculate if I leave. In the past years he has talked horribly about his ex, in front of my stepdaughter and even directly to her. 

I don't get along with his ex and think she does make a lot of poor parenting choices, but I do not talk deragatory of her around or toward my stepdaughter. I see my stepdaughter suffer with a lot of anxiety and other issues due to how her parents behave toward each other. 

It makes me worried. I know he would be extremely anger with me for filing divorce. I know that I have to do something, just is taking me a long time to get to the point where I am comfortable with making a major life change.


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## A Bit Much

So it's ok for him to make you angry but omg don't do that to him? THAT makes no sense. He doesn't care about your feelings and yet you are bending over backward to appease him.

No lie, but knowing your history.. the not sleeping together, the way he talks to you, the disappearing acts... I would have changed the locks on his ass and waited for him to bring the cops to MAKE me give him keys. The next business day I would have gone down to the courthouse and filed. 

The man needs to be presented with the papers. And you need to woman up and stop giving a rats patooty about his 'anger'. You should be way past that.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

1. You can't help your stepdaughter; she got screwed with two eff-ups for parents. 

All you can do is LOVE her, TELL HER you love her, TELL HER you will ALWAYS be available to talk with her, spend time with her, listen to her, advise her, hug her, etc. Tell her she will ALWAYS be welcome at YOUR HOME and she should come see you as often as she can. Tell her you know when she is older, it will be easier for her to come around on her own, but until then to feel free to call/text/email/whatever even if it's just to say "hi", or "I was thinking of you" or to hear an "I love you!"

2. The younger your kids are, the BETTER it is you get them away from this loser. They are TOO young to feel the effects of the divorce the same way a child 9-16yrs old would.

They will have LESS time absorbing HIS bad behavior, your anger & resentment, the dysfunctional dynamics, etc.

From what you write about your H, I DOUBT he will even take his 50% custody when he's supposed to after the first month or two (it will get in the way of hanging out with his friends and banging endless broads).

This is GOOD, in that your children will be exposed to his negative opinion of you less often. They will be exposed to his childishness, boorishness, and selfishness less often.
This is BAD, in that your children will NOT have a good relationship with their father (he's too self-centered to be ANYBODY'S father). You will not get as much 'alone/me' time as you might think.
Getting a divorce is NOT as complicated as you think! There are papers to file (and a PROFESSIONAL helps you), then there is a LOT of waiting......answers to papers filed........court date........rescheduled court date........meetings with attorneys or mediators or mandatory parenting classes...........court date.

IT TAKES TIME to get a divorce...the wheels of the judicial system move VERY SLOWLY so get your butt down to a divorce attorney NOW (first consultation is often "free") and find out

what your legal rights are
what you can expect to happen during the divorce proceedings
how your state figures child support
how long the divorce will probably take 
how much the divorce will probably cost
papers/documents you need to procure or get copies of
things to watch out for
proactive steps YOU can take to solidify YOUR position
information on help for your children to adjust
See, a step at a time, baby! Once you are armed with the above knowledge (or a good chunk of it) you will no longer feel so intimidated by the process. *Most of the above knowledge can be learned at your FIRST INITIAL meeting with a divorce attorney!* You can also ask for direction (books, pamphlets, support groups, websites) that can give you more information.

It's like being pregnant for the first time....you didn't know WHAT to expect, but you read up, you listened to the professionals (your doctors), and did what you were supposed to. You got through it! ONE STEP AT A TIME.


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