# Rebound relationships while still married to DS



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lately I've noticed that some LS are in the initial phases of rebound relationships while still married to their DS.

Forgetting aside the fact that they are technically having - or are in the process of having - an affair of their own. They are setting themselves up - as well as their new partner - on a collision course with heartbreak.

Why? Because many have not gotten over their DS. If their DS found out and pleaded with them for another chance, these DS would be very hard pressed not to especially if there are children involved.

It is totally understandable that when we are dealing with the ordeal of an affair and our DS still engaged in it -even to the point of having left us for their affair partner - that we are very vulnerable to the attention given to us by another person looking for a loving relationship.

To those LS in such situations, my advise for them is to tread carefully. There is absolutely nothing wrong with developing friendships with the opposite sex, but it is unfair to us and the new people we meet, to not take some time to emotionally heal first. I'm not talking about years but perhaps months after the divorce becomes finalized and we've had a chance to adapt to single life.

Guard your heart carefully. There is no need to rush into a relationship, especially when you have not moved on emotionally and physically from your DS. The world will most likely still be here after you heal.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Thank you for your insight, Morituri. I have come in contact with a former boyfriend of mine. I believe he is still interested in me but he will not see me in person until my divorce is final. Far as my husband goes, that is over. I would never take him back. I don't care how much he begged or cried, we are done. I would like another chance with my old friend. I really do like him, but I am taking it one day at a time, slowly. I do not want to rush with him, I want to heal first from my broken marriage and then if my old friend is the one I was meant to be with, then it shall happen.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

As much as I am longing for attention, someone to talk to, to hold me, etc, and as much I want that from my H, I won't be getting it any time soon. I am too vulnerable if I went down that road with a guy, and besides as I have said before I won't stoop to his level, continuing to lie and cheat. I won't do it again, today I am seriously wondering if this is even worth it anymore. Not sure if I wanna fight anymore if he can't stop himself and realize he is destroying himself. He needs counseling terribly, but he's the only one who can get there. Today I almost feel like I want to break free.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I believe he is still interested in me but he will not see me in person until my divorce is final


This is a good sign. It shows that he may be a man of honor who's got a good, working moral compass. A man who may share your moral values and principles.



> Far as my husband goes, that is over. I would never take him back. I don't care how much he begged or cried, we are done.


Your STBXH has some personal demons he needs to confront and conquer FIRST before he is fit and healthy enough for another committed relationship. I hope for his sake that he does.



> I would like another chance with my old friend. I really do like him, but I am taking it one day at a time, slowly. I do not want to rush with him, I want to heal first from my broken marriage and then if my old friend is the one I was meant to be with, then it shall happen.


I'm glad to hear this. The last thing I would like see is you or any other good person here to have to go through another emotional ordeal so close to the one brought on by the affair.

I wish you much success in your new life AppleDucklings. You deserve it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

paramore said:


> As much as I am longing for attention, someone to talk to, to hold me, etc, and as much I want that from my H, I won't be getting it any time soon. I am too vulnerable if I went down that road with a guy, and besides as I have said before I won't stoop to his level, continuing to lie and cheat. I won't do it again, today I am seriously wondering if this is even worth it anymore. Not sure if I wanna fight anymore if he can't stop himself and realize he is destroying himself. He needs counseling terribly, but he's the only one who can get there. Today I almost feel like I want to break free.


You've got a good head on your shoulders paramore - as well as a good heart.

Oh I've no doubt in my mind that you will eventually find a good man who will value you and vice versa. But first heal the heart of the most important person in your life, you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> This is a good sign. It shows that he may be a man of honor who's got a good, working moral compass. A man who may share your moral values and principles.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Like I said, I really like this guy and I mean alot. Although he is allowing me to stay in contact, he is also keeping his distance. I completely understand. He wants me to be divorced first. That is a good thing. He did tell me once the divorce was final, he would like to take me out and we could possibly see where things went from there. I hope that by the time the divorce is final, he will still be interested in me.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I can identify with this. H left 2 months ago, but I finally let go probably 3 weeks ago. It seemed abrupt and I had my closure and was ready to live life without him. Then I met someone online. And we texted, and he called and sang to me, and we've talked another time since. I wouldn't want to meet up with him and become a relationship until my divorce was in the works. But I won't lie, it feels good to be treated like this and I love the attention. I am afraid that I'm being played, but he seems to understand my vulnerability. And when It old him how new it all was, he did say he was hoping it had been longer. Shared with me his divorce details and the failed rebound afterwards that broke his heart. He is in a fragile place as well, so we both have fears. But he did say he's happy to be my friend for now. So I'm hoping he is cool with taking it all slow, because he's really someone special that I'd love to get to know. And it isn't just because he's showing me attention. I really like him. And it scares me that I could feel that way so soon! I'm deathly afraid of some rebound that breaks my heart!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Shared with me his divorce details and the failed rebound afterwards that broke his heart.


It's sad that your new friend had to learn this lesson the hard way.



> I'm deathly afraid of some rebound that breaks my heart!


That is why it is important to first adjust to life as a single person months after the divorce becomes final.

If you make it your mission to become a happy person without being in a relationship, you will be in a very strong emotional state to accept or reject the new people interested in a committed relationship with you.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

morituri said:


> It's sad that your new friend had to learn this lesson the hard way.
> 
> That is why it is important to first adjust to life as a single person months after the divorce becomes final.
> 
> If you make it your mission to become a happy person without being in a relationship, you will be in a very strong emotional state to accept or reject the new people interested in a committed relationship with you.


Thanks for the advice, because I am really struggling with this. We've talked more and we are both really interested in each other. We talked for 4 hours last night, until 3am, and then he texted me. He is more than happy to be in the friend zone for now, and I respect that. He says he just wants to help me because he'd hate for someone else to go through the downward spiral he went through. I want to meet him, but I'm so afraid. He said he doesn't want to be the rebound guy, and is happy to just be my friend and see where things go, no pressure or expectations. I like that. But it seems so soon and that scares me. I feel too good, and I'm afraid I'll wake up and crash one day. That's where my caution lies. My divorce isn't even in the legal system yet, but I'm seeing the lawyer Thursday to draw up the letter of retainer and my requests. 

I can say I would not give my DS another chance. I couldn't. Part of me feels like maybe I'm ready to move on because he's hurt me by cheating before. I went through a lot that last ordeal, and although there are differences with this cheating episode, I'm able to look at it and realize it isn't a reflection of me, he has faults and they are his. I have accepted the situation, and I want to move on. I don't need a man in my life. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't eating up this guy's attention, but he's the distraction I need right now. He's not being inappropriate, he's actually a gentleman. And he makes me laugh and he makes me smile. I thank God for bringing someone so positive to me, because he's really helped me realize what's important.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Great post, Mor. I agree with it and think it's spot on.

Deal with one relationship before starting another.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I know I will never marry again.. that is something I'm not willing to try ever again. 

As far as dating someone else.. look me up in the year 2032.. i might be ready then.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Lily, come on up, you and I can be in a non romantic domestic partnership LOL


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Okay, found this in my travels around the internet since I'm all worried about having a rebound. I really like my new friend and I wouldn't want to ruin it just because I was in a rebound.

_What are the signs that a “rebound relationship” is actually the real thing and not a fling?

I wouldn’t ever count on finding Mr. or Ms. Right immediately after a bad break up -- especially if you’re coming out of a long-term romance. Your thought patterns and emotions are typically too skewed during this time to allow you to think clearly about connecting with others at that level of intimacy. But who can say that something can never happen? With that premise, below are some thoughts about how to tell if your current fling is perhaps more than a rebound:


* You’re not comparing (secretly or publicly) your current partner to your ex. In rebound relationships, we often try to recapture the traits, behaviors and emotions that attracted us to our ex in the first place.

* You’re current partner is different from your ex. It seems that if you are dating a carbon copy of your ex, you’re probably just trying to emulate the past relationship and it may not work out. If he has a different personality, habits or social circle, there’s a better shot.

* You want to get over your ex. It’s unrealistic to expect that you’ll get over your ex immediately after meeting a new person. But if you start to get the urge to move on from your ex, it could be because you see a future with the new prospect as opposed to being merely a fun distraction.

* You’re taking it slow and setting the pace in the relationship. Moving at warp-speed with a new person could mean you’re just trying to fill a void and not really thinking about if he or she’s right for you. Plus, you are extremely vulnerable to pressure and influence during the rebound period, and this can lead to impulsive, risky decisions. You know you have the real thing when you feel in control of your feelings and actions.

* You’re able to talk about your past relationships with your new love interest. Rather than hide or repress bad memories or past disappoints, you can talk to your partner about how your experiences have impacted your life, outlook on life and current expectations for a relationship.

* You’re in the relationship for you. Rebounders are motivated by the need to feel loved, accepted and valued. Often they behave in ways that makes others happy, but not themselves. You know it’s the real thing when pleasing a partner stops being your main priority and it is replaced by being honest and real about yourself and your needs with your partner.
_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Whohoo. I got a pass on most of those.

Compare. But she keeps coming out on top and am honest about comparison , as she is. It is hard not to when so different.

Totally different in every way to old partner

Want to get over Ex. repel.. repel.. repel..

Very slow. We laugh that it would be easier to have an affair. No responsibilities or care for anyone else is So much easier.

We both talk about past relationships. Although trying not to too much.

We are both about each other and looking after self. 
It is very refreshing. 

Early days. Mostly Lunch. Mostly friends. Mostly being careful.

One of the things that has happened though is that both our ex partners are furious. Hoe DARE we go out and have fun!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

oh but they can continue to cheat? interesting.....


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ing said:


> One of the things that has happened though is that both our ex partners are furious. Hoe DARE we go out and have fun!


Could you elaborate on what the exs said in a furious manner?:scratchhead:


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm going to meet my friend tomorrow. This will be the first time in 5 to 6 years that I have seen him. We have been talking more but not excessively. His job keeps him pretty busy. We spoke last night on the phone and we both have the weekend off work, so he has invited me to come over. I look forward to seeing him, I really do. But, I'm also very nervous. It's been 5 or 6 years since I've seen him. I do weigh at least 30lbs more than then too, so that makes me feel like I may not be good enough for him. I want him to like me as much as I like him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I do weigh at least 30lbs more than then too, so that makes me feel like I may not be good enough for him. I want him to like me as much as I like him.


Keep in mind that you are just going to see him not marry him. Also remember that as an overweight nation, he himself is more than likely to have packed a few pounds around the middle - cops and donuts, cops and donuts, go together like a horse and carriage (sang to the tune of Frank Sinatra's 'Love and Marriage' -:rofl: It's true that we see many lean people around, but they are in the minority.

If he's truly a friend, your weight should not be a factor in the least.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> Keep in mind that you are just going to see him not marry him. Also remember that as an overweight nation, he himself is more than likely to have packed a few pounds around the middle - cops and donuts, cops and donuts, go together like a horse and carriage (sang to the tune of Frank Sinatra's 'Love and Marriage' -:rofl: It's true that we see many lean people around, but they are in the minority.
> 
> If he's truly a friend, your weight should not be a factor in the least.


This is true. I do not look bad, just a little extra chunky but 30 lbs I should be able to lose pretty easy too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Keep in mind that you are just going to see him not marry him


:rofl:

Have fun Apple!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Have fun Apple!


I'm getting my hair cut and colored today  Maybe a new outfit and new shoes too  Any reason to buy new shoes is good for me


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

So I met my "friend" and I can only say that I am not ready for a relationship or even exploring one. I recognized immediately that I am not over my failed marriage and I would just end up hurting someone. He had his son with him and we just met at the ice cream shop. I felt so uncomfortable and now I feel awkward talking to him. 

I do feel like he's perfect in theory, but I wasn't ready to even see if there was a spark and I am just not in a place to be hanging out with another man. So I'm going to stay away. I'll continue to talk to him, but as a friend only. He's way too into me for me to even handle. It feels good, yes, but it's also a bit scary. 

Now I have to figure out how to let him down easy without hurting him. Not that I led him on or anything, I told him I'd like to just wait and see, but now I feel like I need to tell him I'd like to be friends because I'm not anywhere near ready for anything more.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Just tell him what you just said. Look, you seem to be a great guy, but I need to heal more first. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us to take this beyond friends at this point. I have deep emotional wounds that will take some time to heal. Once they are healed and I'm ready, maybe we can think about more. But for now, I have to heal first.

He should understand that. If not, there will be someone who is there when you are ready.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I do weigh at least 30lbs more than then too, so that makes me feel like I may not be good enough for him.


You should get that thought out of your head. Who you are on the inside is much more important than what is on the outside. So what that you are a little larger than last time he saw you. He most likely is too. Your weight has nothing to do with being "good enough" for someone. If 30 pounds makes a difference for him, then HE is not good enough for YOU!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Just tell him what you just said. Look, you seem to be a great guy, but I need to heal more first. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us to take this beyond friends at this point. I have deep emotional wounds that will take some time to heal. Once they are healed and I'm ready, maybe we can think about more. But for now, I have to heal first.
> 
> He should understand that. If not, there will be someone who is there when you are ready.


Thanks for the advice, Hurt. That's a great way to say it, and I know he's more than willing to just be friends and let me heal. But what if I think it might not ever be more. Like I'm completely attracted to who he is inside and his sense of humor, but if there's no spark, then what? I don't want to hurt him. But the speed at which he's fallen for me is daunting!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Thanks for the advice, Hurt. That's a great way to say it, and I know he's more than willing to just be friends and let me heal. But what if I think it might not ever be more. Like I'm completely attracted to who he is inside and his sense of humor, but if there's no spark, then what? I don't want to hurt him. But the speed at which he's fallen for me is daunting!


I wish my friend would fall for me. I believe he likes me but I don't think he has yet fallen for me and oh, how I wish he would.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> Could you elaborate on what the exs said in a furious manner?:scratchhead:


It is really more of the same old stuff. It was two different ex-partners so different models. Which is interesting..

1. Text terrorism . While we were out for a few hours she [new very careful, maybe possible, probably not a good idea, GF] 
had more texts than had received in 3 months. Mostly relating to her child and there needs and how she was not available.. 
A bit rich considering he left to be with the OW.

2. My ex-partner is all of a sudden concerned for the welfare of my children which I had left for a while [16] and came around to MY house uninvited and stayed and wrote me an email "explaining"her actions.from my computer. Different account. Mine is password protected
Also refusing to give up OM and waffled on about "me myself and I" 
Meaningless drivel.
I don't even look any more.



Perhaps Furious was the wrong word. More like Emotional Abuse and disturbance of a very lovely evening.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ing,

Thank you for clarifying.

It seems that cheating spouses cannot handle the idea of their betrayed spouses moving on with their lives.

I've recently heard from a mutual friend of my ex and I that she - my ex-W - has been frantically trying to find out where I live. She told me that my ex-W recently went over to her place and emotionally melted in front of her when she told her that I was involved with another woman. Mind you that my ex-W is a stunningly beautiful woman who can have almost any man she wants. So why the desperate longing for yours truly? Is it her ego?

Ladies, as women. what do you think?


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

It is clear that you moved on and your happy, it's not a woman thing or a man thing if she melted down in front of her friend you have your answer. She KNOWS she f**** up. The problem is it's too late. Maybe it has to do with her ego,the ego is always a factor wheather if it is a small one or a big one. I think in a lot of cases the people that cheat don't think the significant other will leave or move on without them. It is a trip when you check out the relationship and move on, and (Depending on the situation) the cheating spouse and or significant oter is still holding on.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

krismimo said:


> It is clear that you moved on and your happy, it's not a woman thing or a man thing if she melted down in front of her friend you have your answer. She KNOWS she f**** up. The problem is it's too late. Maybe it has to do with her ego,the ego is always a factor wheather if it is a small one or a big one. I think in a lot of cases the people that cheat don't think the significant other will leave or move on without them. It is a trip when you check out the relationship and move on, and (Depending on the situation) the cheating spouse and or significant oter is still holding on.


:iagree: They want us to sit at home and just be there for them when they need us. They don't expect us to move on without them. Now, the reality of what she did is finally hitting her and hitting her hard. I hope someday my husband gets to this point-where he is miserable over what he did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Thanks for the advice, Hurt. That's a great way to say it, and I know he's more than willing to just be friends and let me heal. But what if I think it might not ever be more. Like I'm completely attracted to who he is inside and his sense of humor, but if there's no spark, then what? I don't want to hurt him. But the speed at which he's fallen for me is daunting!


Apple, how did your hair turn out? 

Lonely, jus tell the friend you want to be honest with him and right now can't see your relationship moving beyond a friendship. Tell him you are going throgh a divorce and need timie to process/get through it and have really appreciated him listening to you. That's it.

Don't mention anything about "emotional, wounds" or "maybe later we can have a relationship." Stick to the facts, appear and sound strong and don't make a mention of a potential future if you're not even sure you want that. Voila.



ing said:


> It is really more of the same old stuff. It was two different ex-partners so different models. Which is interesting..
> 
> 1. Text terrorism .


Had the very same experience. I had been trying so hard to save my marriage and restore it back to a good place and he wasn't receptive. Though it was confusing because he would hang with me/call me daily/spend the night but was sold on a divorce. I finally told him "That is it. It's over--you don't want the marriage, no problem...but I won't be your emotional support through it. You want a divoce, you lose me in the process." Kapiche. 

Well well well, I went out with a nice lad who invited me to dinner. We hung out a few times. One night my ex-H musta been out on the prowl trying to find me and started texting me psycholotically "Thanks a lot, Jelly--this just makes everything SO much easier now... to move on....l hope you are having a fun night with him and he makes you truly happy." A barrage of insane text messages. I did not even respond.

UM _excuse me_??? He had *just* taken ME to court to SUE me for $ when HE is the one who wanted he divorce the entire time, told me to leave, and cancelled our MC w/o even telling me! (Btw, the judge laughed and told him it was ludicrous he was suing me...that he was sure my H had "more important things to worry about"--also my H makes significantly more $ than I do).

And I did tell said lad I didn't feel comfy hanging cause he was catching feelings & I needed to go through my D first before even entertaining hanging w/ other dudes...

So, *it's true*. The wayward gets MAD and JEALOUS when their spouse picks up the pieces and begins to move on. This is why a lot of people advocate FOR dating if your spouse has already told you they are not in it for the marriage anymore--because it's human nature to feel rejected when your other half starts moving on... a territorial thing...it's like having a toy you have not played with in awhile and then someone else grabs it to play with and suddenly that toy is all you want to play with now! Like you didn't know how good/fun/wonderful it was til someone else showed it interest. You would have thought I was out with Keanu Reeves, the way my H was acting! This was the SAME guy who told me "I just don't know if there's anything to salvage, Jelly." 

B-tch, please. :rofl:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> :iagree: They want us to sit at home and just be there for them when they need us. They don't expect us to move on without them. Now, the reality of what she did is finally hitting her and hitting her hard.


Very true. Although in my situation she cried, begged and pleaded with me not to leave her since Dday.

According to our mutual friend, my ex-W told her that she still believed that we were meant to be reunited and that I only needed time to heal to return to her. My friend - per my request - did not tell my ex-W that I had a GF. I guess it never dawned on my ex-W that once I healed that I could become involved with another woman. Maybe it is she who is now having those mental movies but this time starring me with my GF. One thing is for certain, now she knows how it feels to be replaced. Sucks big time, doesn't it honey?




> I hope someday my husband gets to this point-where he is miserable over what he did.


I've no doubt that one day your STBXH will rue the day he gave you up for a piece of trash. When that day comes the old 'sucks to be me' will become a bitter reality for him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Apple, how did your hair turn out?
> 
> Lonely, jus tell the friend you want to be honest with him and right now can't see your relationship moving beyond a friendship. Tell him you are going throgh a divorce and need timie to process/get through it and have really appreciated him listening to you. That's it.
> 
> ...


My hair looks great, Beans  Thanks for asking  As for me with dating while separated, I am not yet officially dating this guy (though I would in a sec) but I would never use him "to get back at my husband" if my stbxh has a problem with my friend, then that's his problem. I like this guy alot and I mean ALOT! He is everything my stbx was not and best of all, I can trust this guy. I may get to see him today and if I do, it will be the first time in 5 years that I have seen him. I'm very excited. I really hope that some day down the road, I could have a relationship with this guy.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> Very true. Although in my situation she cried, begged and pleaded with me not to leave her since Dday.
> 
> According to our mutual friend, my ex-W told her that she still believed that we were meant to be reunited and that I only needed time to heal to return to her. My friend - per my request - did not tell my ex-W that I had a GF. I guess it never dawned on my ex-W that once I healed that I could become involved with another woman. Maybe it is she who is now having those mental movies but this time starring me with my GF. One thing is for certain, now she knows how it feels to be replaced. Sucks big time, doesn't it honey?
> 
> ...


and it is too late for him. I am done with him and his cheating ways.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> and it is too late for him. I am done with him and his cheating ways.


So proud of you, Apple! Amazing how one day it clicks and we realize that we deserve better. Like it really sinks in that it's not about us, it's about their flaws and how they think they are entitled to treating us like crap. 

One day they'll regret it and it will be too late. But I'm moving on. 

Someone told me the other day that rebounds were healthy. Like I needed to just go out and have a rebound. I'm not ready to put myself out there. I'll just enjoy my friend's attention while being completely honest with him about not knowing where it's going.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> So proud of you, Apple! Amazing how one day it clicks and we realize that we deserve better. Like it really sinks in that it's not about us, it's about their flaws and how they think they are entitled to treating us like crap.
> 
> One day they'll regret it and it will be too late. But I'm moving on.
> 
> Someone told me the other day that rebounds were healthy. Like I needed to just go out and have a rebound. I'm not ready to put myself out there. I'll just enjoy my friend's attention while being completely honest with him about not knowing where it's going.


My "new guy" is still keeping his distance. I guess that is good, he does want me to be officially divorced before anything else. It's now been 2 days since I last heard from him. I do find myself wishing for more with him but I am going to respect his wishes for space while I am still married. I just dont know if I should simply wait for him to contact me or if after a few days of no contact, I should say hello? And I hope once this divorce is finally done, he will start being more available to me.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Not even going there. I pretty jaded right now. I think if I would indulge in another relationship, it would be for an ego boost- which I don't need because I get checked-out anyways. See... for me, it was never about ego- I how I look; what I can get; and how often I can get it. That was never a problem for me. Its the emotional intimacy that I relished with HER. I could've gone out and banged a few chicks here and there, but I was over that phase already. I wanted REAL love and all that encompassed. I wanted to settle down and start a family... look forward to taking my son to little league, or my daughter to ballet. I don't need to have my ego stroked on a constant basis.


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