# New



## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

I have been studying these boards and other resources for a few months now in an effort to spark up my boring sex life. I want passion I want to feel desired, I want spark, I want to give and receive oral I want to make love to someone who wants to make love to me.

This story is not new I think I read it here before.

I've been married to my beautiful wife for 22 years and she still does not want to be intimate with me? She says its normal for married couples to have sex 2 times a week at most? She has low libido. Both of our kids 15 and 21 slept in our bed for 5 years each. Back then I was lucky to get it 2 or 3 times a month. When my first was 4yrs old I got feed up and left! I missed them so much I was back in 3 weeks with promises things would change. We had more sex, we got pregnant. Another 5 years with a kid in the bed. 5 years ago I begged and pleading for my wife to show me affection love and sex and came away wanting. I cheated first time and got caught, immediately bad times for all involved. I received promises that things would change, weeks later they were back to the same, so I lived with it. 

I always initiate and usually have to fight her for it. It is always cowgirl because of my bad back. She gets off usually and then tells me to “hurry up and finish” some of the other fraises that she says that are hurtful to me are “you had your fun last night, or don’t touch me, stop bothering me. I must have heard the words I’m tired a 100000 times. We have been fighting more and more the last few months since I began my mission to change our relationship. I feel like she loves me but she is not in love with me. I have started helping around the house with laundry and dishes etc. I have been giving her foot rubs, back rubs, hugs during the day, we even went out on an expensive date. While we were driving at a stop light I tried to kiss her and she pushed me away. When we got home I offered to bring her a glass of wine to our bed room but she decided to watch TV with the kids and fell a sleep on the couch? We regularly go to bed around 10, I have been joining her earlier and earlier but she still says she is tired? One of her excuses is that she does not find me desirable when I drink; I drink beer most every day. But on the days I don’t drink she is the same cold fish, I see more of the back of her head than her face. I have made progress with my efforts over the past few months. But the fights have increased so much that I’m not sure if it’s worth it. She finally let me go down on her, 2 times under protest! She hates any oral and unfortunately it is not part of our sex life. The first time was the most erotic exciting sex I have had that I could remember, the second time she just stared at me like your wasting your time, I could not guess where her mind was for those 15 minutes, she finally pushed me away. We also had sex on the couch when the kids were gone that was a first. I came home from work and after I finished all of the chores I told her that I would refrain from drinking any beer today if she would give me a hand job later tonight before bed she said she is sick of me bothering her. I asked her if me helping out more around the house is helping to make her less tired? She said the only reason you are helping is because you are hoping to get some and that I am selfish. Frustrated!!!!


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## duster2001 (Jun 24, 2011)

Doesn't all that just frustrate the crap out of you ? For a moment there I thought you were married to my wife's twin till you got to the point about being able to give her oral sex. I've not been allowed to do that in 15 years of marriage. 

I wish I knew what to tell you and that there was a "magical fix" to the problem, but my journey with this frustration and getting it all out in the opening is just beginning also. One thing I can mention that may be worth a look is for her to go have her hormone levels checked. If they are low, that will = no sex drive. My wife (friend, companion, whatever you want to call her since we basically have no sex) will be going in late July, hoping this is something easily fixed for my sanity's sake..


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hello frustated ~

Welcome. There was a lot of information in your opening post - detailing quite a timeline of events that have gone on in you and your wife's life.

Did you and your wife ever go to marriage counselling, especially after your cheating incident? The way your wife acts is like someone who has built up a mighty wall of resentment toward you, and I just wonder whether she has gotten over things that have gone on in the past? You know, many women's desire for sex with their partner is not just a physical drive, but an emotional one. If they don't feel that emotional connection with their partner, you can get the kind of scenario that you are seeing with your wife - someone that really doesn't want to do things that are extremely intimate (like oral or even kissing) and that will tolerate sparingly, at best, sexual intercourse.

My suggestions are two-fold. First, you can only reasonably work on yourself, as that is the only person you can change. No matter how much you wish or talk or cajole or get mad, your wife won't change unless and until she is good and ready to. That doesn't mean that you can't turn yourself in to the kind of strong, confident, capable man that a woman would be attracted to. There's some good reading over in the Men's Clubhouse sub-forum in the sticky thread at the top. Look at improving yourself for you. Maybe your wife will like that improved confident guy and come around.

Second, is your wife willing to really work on this with you? Would she be willing to go to counselling with you? The reason I ask is that it seems like there are a lot of things that have gone on in your marriage over time, that have built up for both of you. Chipping those pieces away may take somebody who is skilled in being able to direct you how to do so. Just a thought.

God Bless.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

why don't you tell her that it is obvious sex isn't important for her and if that's the case, she shouldn't mind if you got it elsewhere.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Thanks Enchantment,
We did go to marriage counseling a few times over the years I remember the therapist saying to me " so basically your a horny guy who drinks too much, I suggest you masturbate more" Wast of money!
Every time we try to talk about the issue we fight and the next day i tell her today is a new day and start all over. The other day after she rejected me and went to her other room i punched the wall. She doesn't seem to realize that she is hurting me constantly.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

cool it down man, stop catering to her in any fashion, live as seperate a life from her that is possible. become her roomate, thats what she apparently wants, or she wants to run you through the ringer. either way, back way off. 

i was in a similar situation, i finally got worn down, backed off entirely, became cold and did the minimum (did all my stuff around the house, but nothing more). net result is i am now the LD spouse and i turn her down because i am seriously just not interested in her anymore (sexually). it has amplified the other things in our lives that i resent her for, it has become easier for me to exist without sexual frustration hanging over my head.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

duster2001 said:


> Doesn't all that just frustrate the crap out of you ? For a moment there I thought you were married to my wife's twin till you got to the point about being able to give her oral sex. I've not been allowed to do that in 15 years of marriage.
> 
> I wish I knew what to tell you and that there was a "magical fix" to the problem, but my journey with this frustration and getting it all out in the opening is just beginning also. One thing I can mention that may be worth a look is for her to go have her hormone levels checked. If they are low, that will = no sex drive. My wife (friend, companion, whatever you want to call her since we basically have no sex) will be going in late July, hoping this is something easily fixed for my sanity's sake..
> 
> ...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> She doesn't seem to realize that she is hurting me constantly.


It sounds like you needed to get a better counselor. 

Seriously, I think that the hurt you mention is going both ways - she likely sees you as constantly hurting her as well. Which is why I suggested counselling.

Let me ask you this - is the drinking something you should get help with?

And finally... is your wife WILLING to work with you on this?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> I asked her what was wrong and she said she only likes normal sex?


Has she ever liked oral sex? If she did and she doesn't now, it is because she is not in to you and not in to the moment. Trying to get her to do it when she is emotionally disconnected from you is just going to make things worse.


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

Have you read the "manning up", "thermometer", "fitness testing", "boundaries" posts by mem11363, bigbadwolf, deejo, alpha, and many others? If not, you need too.

Unfortunately it totally seems you have become her doormat catering to her. Seems like she has quite a bit of resentment towards you and you towards her.

And another big unfortunately is that you had an affair which has caused even more resentment.

Stop drinking beer, get to the gym, find some "you" time for other activities all while reading posts from the above TAM members.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> It sounds like you needed to get a better counselor.
> 
> Seriously, I think that the hurt you mention is going both ways - she likely sees you as constantly hurting her as well. Which is why I suggested counselling.
> 
> ...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> Saturday i told her i would refrain from drinking anything today if she could at least give me a hand job later tonight. She told me to stop bothering her i did not drink and ended the night with a whole in my wall and a sore hand, i mean knuckles!


Do you get angry like that often? That is not good, seriously. If you often get angry like this, I think you need to get some help (like professional help) with your anger. I don't know what your wife is like, but if my husband did that I'd be packing up and leaving.

The other thing - it's a huge turn-off to a woman for her husband to barter for sex with her, i.e., if you do this for her, she'll be expected to do that for you. Your wife is expecting a partner, not a pawner.

I think you should seriously consider the things that you can do to get YOUR life in order. If you can get YOUR act together, it can only help your relationship - whether this one or some future one.

God Speed.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

joelmacdad said:


> Have you read the "manning up", "thermometer", "fitness testing", "boundaries" posts by mem11363, bigbadwolf, deejo, alpha, and many others? If not, you need too.
> 
> Unfortunately it totally seems you have become her doormat catering to her. Seems like she has quite a bit of resentment towards you and you towards her.
> 
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Check out the Man's Clubhouse and the man up sticky thread. Also, check out Athol's blog at Married Man Sex Life .
Basically, you need to be both alpha (dominant, confident, sexy) and beta (supportive, provider, helper) in order to attract your wife. Too much of one and she gets turned off.

Your recent post sounds like you're too beta. If you're doing all her work, then you're not her partner. You're her servant. And women don't like screwing the servants.

Stop talking to her. She either doesn't know why she isn't attracted to you, or she's unwilling to tell you. If her beer drinking resentment is legitimate, then cut it out. Don't cut it out for a day in exchange for a sexual favor. Cut it back to a level that only a shrew would object to. Drink one or two a night and you have just taken an arrow out of her quiver.

Let your actions show her that you are a new man. You will be a good husband by helping around the house an appropriate amount. You will also be a sexier man by getting in shape, by not begging for sex like you're a 15 year-old boy, and by not letting her berate you like you're a 15 year-old boy.

If she doesn't respond, at least you're not needlessly supplicating yourself for her.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Check out the Man's Clubhouse and the man up sticky thread. Also, check out Athol's blog at Married Man Sex Life .
> Basically, you need to be both alpha (dominant, confident, sexy) and beta (supportive, provider, helper) in order to attract your wife. Too much of one and she gets turned off.
> 
> Your recent post sounds like you're too beta. If you're doing all her work, then you're not her partner. You're her servant. And women don't like screwing the servants.
> ...


Thanks, I'm reading the married man sex life primer on the kindle


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

I could be off target here as I do not know you but, I think the drinking thing might be the issue here. Look, if you have a problem with drinking she does not respect you. You can not earn her trust/respect by going one day without drinking and then expecting "At least a handjob". 
You have a long history together that includes infedelity and what, at the very least, your wife(and a professional councilor) perceive as an alcohol problem. These are things that make you very unattractive to her. She also has hardened her heart to you so as not to get hurt herself. This is something that takes more than just manning-up. You will need to address these core issues. 
You need to ask yourself a few simple questions
1. do I love booze more than I'd love a great marriage?
2. Am I willing to put in the long period of work that it will need to regain her trust?
3.Do you think she would even want to try?
I'm a guy so I get it. I can be in the midst of a knock down argument with my wife but I'd still have sex with her. Women are not like that. She needs to trust and respect you to want to open herself up to you both physically and mentally. For the most part we are just wired differently.
Granted it takes two to tango, or in this case, not tango. but just reading your OP I think its pretty clear what is the problem.
Man up by getting the drinking under control, work on yourself physically/spiritually/mentally. It will take time but you will then become the attractive person she fell in love with. If she just can't rediscover the new improved you than you have still made yourself better.
Good Luck dude. I was in your shoes about 3 years ago. (no cheating though). We went to counseling. Pretty much got the advice I gave you. My wife (who had said that she had checked out and was going just because we promised ourselves, prior to getting married, that if either one (or both) of us got to the point of divorce we would go) gave me time to get my S*&T back together. During the process she discovered that she had some S*&T to fix herself. Great counselor, great results. The love is back, the sex is great. The whole thing made us better people and a better couple.


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