# @#$%^&* this hurts, when does it ever stop?



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I put these two posts in the reconciliation thread earlier, but I wonder if any of you have days like this. Replies from both BS and WS perspective are appreciated.

1) Ever have a really GREAT day with your FWS, then the next day it seems the bottom falls out and you get all triggery and twitchy? Such an awesome day yesterday and then this morning my mom mentions that my SIL (former POSOW friend, not now) made my MIL a FB page and my H gets upset that i am still FB friends with his sister (he and his sister don't speak since a falling out last year after all this went down). I shut down my FB account and he says I'm taking what he said too far. I told him I didn't want FB to cause any friction between us so I shut it down. He doesn't have FB anymore after his A. This is so ridiculous! It's making me trigger so hard even though I know it's BEEN over and there is NC. 
He thinks my mood is affected by things I read on FB. The only thing I can think of that he's seeing is this last week I've been wondering if he remembers POSOW's birthday is coming up and how he's going to be on that day. He has a terrible time with birthdays (anyone's birthday, kids included). I haven't mentioned it because I want to wait and see. 
I had a total stupid moment when, after he didn't answer my call or reply to my last text, I texted him "do you love me?" (yes, I know I'm not supposed to do that), and he texted me back "I can't believe you even have to ask me that, evidently I haven't convinced you"...
UGH! Why does this happen? 

2) It's just so hard when He's the one who caused my trigger and he's upset. He's usually so good about being supportive and stepping up when stuff happens. 
He has been in a lot of physical pain lately after another failed surgery, and a lot of my triggers happen when he is in pain because he gets quiet (the way he seemed to ignore me when he was having his A) but we went to the doctor yesterday and he got new medicine and we had such a great day after that, and an even better evening
Now this.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Yes. I have been there lots. I am tired of the roller coaster and it seems I am the only one riding it constantly, with no stop to get off. It is not fair that she did the deed and is able to walk around as if unaffected by any of it. I feel for you and know exactly where you are. SOrry you are there. I was there yesterday, as it was my WW's b'day and mine have always been neglected and turned out crappy, so I triggered over that as well.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

The thing is, he has been TREMENDOUSLY affected by it on a family level as well as emotional level. Most days he tries so hard, with the exception being when he is in extreme physical pain and he shuts down completely. He finally called me a few minutes ago just to let me know he was working on a motor with his son and not at the house (still on property), but it was almost as if he was talking through his teeth. Should I be glad he's trying to still be accountable for his time even though he's upset and take that as a positive? I'm at work for another four hours yet and I feel so upside down! I wish this forum had a phone tag support network (kind of like AA sponsors) so we could "phone a friend" when something like this happens. I hate this!:cussing:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

calmwinds said:


> The thing is, he has been TREMENDOUSLY affected by it on a family level as well as emotional level. Most days he tries so hard, with the exception being when he is in extreme physical pain and he shuts down completely. He finally called me a few minutes ago just to let me know he was working on a motor with his son and not at the house (still on property), but it was almost as if he was talking through his teeth. Should I be glad he's trying to still be accountable for his time even though he's upset and take that as a positive? I'm at work for another four hours yet and I feel so upside down! I wish this forum had a phone tag support network (kind of like AA sponsors) so we could "phone a friend" when something like this happens. I hate this!:cussing:


Triggers are hard. I think he is doing the right thing and yes you over reacted and yes most of us here on TAM understand your overreaction. I have over reacted and it suc*s. Hang in there.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I didnt think it would ever get better but it does,19 months out and I stll
hurt but the good days have overtaken the bad.
It takes time,hang on.
You WILL make it,sometimes it seems like you wont and it is hard as hell.
As a wise man told me,"one step,one day at a time".
Postive vibes your way.
Hang tough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

calvin said:


> I didnt think it would ever get better but it does,19 months out and I stll
> hurt but the good days have overtaken the bad.
> It takes time,hang on.
> You WILL make it,sometimes it seems like you wont and it is hard as hell.
> ...


Thanks Calvin. We're almost 15 months out from Dday 1, but not quite a year since their last phone contact after Hurricane Isaac when they were "checking to see if you're ok" after the storm, which just happened to be her birthday. He stayed in the fog after NC until January. There have been a few really big trigger days, and he has been very supportive. He got really upset and said he was pissed that I was best friends with his sister on FB, although I haven't done anything on FB other than "liked" family photos and such, and she the same since he and his sister had a huge argument last year. He is usually ok with me checking his phone/barn/toolbox/truck/motorcycle, but his sister struck a nerve and he says he feels like I'm going to crackheads for information (yes,she has a drug issue, and I did speak to her after his A because she had been very close friends with OW, which is how they met, and OW went into my SIL's phone and got his cell number and started texting/calling him with "innocent" problems). That's why I shut down my FB, because I didn't want him to think I was getting info from unrelieable sources. Make any sense?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Oh hell,there were more than one day?
No contact means just that...NONE.If my wfe wold have broke it or does then the R is over.
He sounds like he doesnt get it.
The hurt and pain are real.He should always be ok with you checking his calls/text.
He wanted to check on her safety after a hurricane? On her birthday?
NO! Not allowed.
Sounds like he is not doing enough to make it right.He's rug sweeping and setting your feeling aside.
Screw the POSOW,he should be working on the marriage and gaining trust back.
Can you get him to come to Tams?
Maybe he doesnt get it.
Right now you and the marriage and him doing all to fix it should be his priority.
Sorry you feel bad but I get it.It doesnt sound like he does.
I looked for any and all info I could find,its necessary for the BS.
Youre not in the wrong here.IMHO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It takes time. Lots of time.

Eventually a trigger makes you feel a bit down, but not majorly so.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Last contact was a year ago, sorry if I wasn't clear on that. He usually is ALL ABOUT making me priority ever since true R began. 

Most days are amazing, and, TBH, I get more info from him at night because when he takes prescribed sleep medication he talks all night long in his sleep. I'm positive there has been NC since last year. He doesn't rug sweep. He owns his S*it and is usually very considerate of my feelings. It touched a serious nerve when he thought I was still talking to his sister. She definitely has issues, usually she wants money and only visits MIL when she's broke. He believes she was having an affair of her own at some point, but I doubt it, because SIL told me herself that when she confronted her former friend (OW) that's when rumors started about her. She hardly leaves her home because she's on medications that can cause decreased immunitiy, so she avoids going anywhere. It is doubtful that she had an A. I think the OW started the rumor to decrease SIL's credibility and my H had believed her too.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> Last contact was a year ago, sorry if I wasn't clear on that. He usually is ALL ABOUT making me priority ever since true R began.
> 
> Most days are amazing, and, TBH, I get more info from him at night because when he takes prescribed sleep medication he talks all night long in his sleep. I'm positive there has been NC since last year. He doesn't rug sweep. He owns his S*it and is usually very considerate of my feelings. It touched a serious nerve when he thought I was still talking to his sister. She definitely has issues, usually she wants money and only visits MIL when she's broke. He believes she was having an affair of her own at some point, but I doubt it, because SIL told me herself that when she confronted her former friend (OW) that's when rumors started about her. She hardly leaves her home because she's on medications that can cause decreased immunitiy, so she avoids going anywhere. It is doubtful that she had an A. I think the OW started the rumor to decrease SIL's credibility and my H had believed her too.


I wonder if it reminds hm and makes him feel guilty.
You say he is doing all he can and thats great,maybe he just doesnt understand.
Has he done any reading?You both done IC and MC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

He read everything I printed off the internet and we discussed it in detail. Neither of us had IC or MC. I've read every book I could get my hands on and lurked here a long time before ever joining. I don't put a lot of faith in the choice in counceling in our area. I did see my doctor and was temporarily placed on some anxiety meds for awhile when I was dropping pounds and hair like crazy.

He doesn't "compute" at all, so wouldn't do him much good here.

Things have been going so well. There has been a lot of added stress lately not related to the A, and maybe it just threw him for a loop when my mom mentioned his sister?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> He read everything I printed off the internet and we discussed it in detail. Neither of us had IC or MC. I've read every book I could get my hands on and lurked here a long time before ever joining. I don't put a lot of faith in the choice in counceling in our area. I did see my doctor and was temporarily placed on some anxiety meds for awhile when I was dropping pounds and hair like crazy.
> 
> He doesn't "compute" at all, so wouldn't do him much good here.
> 
> Things have been going so well. There has been a lot of added stress lately not related to the A, and maybe it just threw him for a loop when my mom mentioned his sister?


Calm,
Good to hear he is trying but the wife and I feel MC and IC could benefit you both,it did us.
You both could learn a lot,we have been to three counselors over the last year and a half.
Shop around for the right counselor,some are better than others.
I feel the best counseling you can get is here on Tams if your husband would like
to gain some insight.
It was a little hard getting CantSitStill (CSS) here but it really did allow her to see a lot.
Still counseling is needed,even if you both only go a couple times a month.
I was afraid to go to MC but my fears were really unfounded,I learned a lot about myself also.
Have him read the stickeys here on Tams,you also please.
You both would not still be together if you didnt love eachother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Many of the choices for counsel did their internships where I work and know me professionally both through the medical community and my work with Yoga for Vets,Therapeutic yoga and Yoga for PTSD. The other choices are all one year younger than God.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> Many of the choices for counsel did their internships where I work and know me professionally both through the medical community and my work with Yoga for Vets,Therapeutic yoga and Yoga for PTSD. The other choices are all one year younger than God.


Go a couple towns over and call around,find an MC that knows and has experience with Infidelty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Whether you're reconciling or not, there will always be triggers. I still feel a hell of a lot better than I did right after D-Day and way better than I was in February of this year (man I was a wreck), but I'm a year out and still have a lot of healing left to do. Still, last week was the first time I cried about it in months so that's something. 

It sounds like your H is remorseful. I'm wishing you both well in your recovery.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

We made it through the weekend, and OW's birthday, without any sign of his remembering it at all, unless he didn't want to bring it up directly in case I had forgotten. Saturday night after sailing and swimming all day, just before I fell asleep he hugged me and said, "I love you. You just have no idea how much. I've put you through nails and you love me anyway and don't think for one minute I don't appreciate this chance I've been given." 

We stayed in and on the water the entire day of OW's birthday. His phone was completely dead that morning when we woke up due to generator trouble, and no way to charge it (or a burner phone either, which if he DID own a burner, it most certainly wouldn't be waterproof). He seemed completely focused on me and our grandson.

Funny thing, though. After all that fuss about FB, he never even mentioned it again. Huh.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

15 months out from DDay2 here and it's gotten worse for a while; a combination of triggers and the pain settling like a 300 lb gorilla on my chest.

The ex wife is still plugging away and not giving up; if I suggest seperation she falls to pieces. I'm not sure if that helps, but her not giving up is keeping us together (that, and the kids).

For what it's worth then, my experience is that it's very up and down too. People like Matt give the inspiration that there might be green pastures ahead though


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