# My wife and I have Separated, I'm devastated



## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

My wife and I have been married just short of 2 years, and we have today separated, It's not what I wanted but it seems that she and her Mother agree in the short term that it would help us become closer in the long term, I'm not convinced though.

The moment she walked out the door I feel to my knees in shock and feel like a zombie, she is my family and now I feel that I have nothing to live for at the moment.

I don't know what I have been doind wrong in all honesty, I am a gentleman around her and trat her like a princess, she where 
we live I pay the way for both of us and never ask for a penny.

I suprise her with things i.e. flowers, gifts etc, take her to nice places, holidays etc.. and try to be there for her when she most needs me.

In the first 6 months -1 year we were happy and then when things started to get hard she started to push me away and since then there have been problems, I continue to provide and try to give my all to both her and the marriage but never seems to be enough, I even changed things about me she didn't like and yet there is always something else.

I really don't know what to do now, I'm in counselling myself to try and deal with all the problems that have been going on, but still feel that I'm not making any progress there at the moment.

We have agreed to meet up next weekend to discuss how to head forward from here, but until then I just feel like I'm stuck in the unknown.

I love her with all my heart and would give anything to get us back on track, but I fear the worst and that she wants to use the separation to get used to being apart so that it makes it easier for her to leave in the long run.

I'm heartbroken, and emotionally broken, I can't see beyond the black cloud descending on me, I'd ask for help but I don't really know if anyone can help right now.

Has anyone been through anything similar or have any suggestions to start to get things back on track...?

Thanks.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LB, sorry to hear of your marriage trouble. You are definitely not alone this website is filled with contributors who have all had a similar experience to some degree or another. All anyone here can tell you is to do the best for you, be true to yourself, be honest with your W and keep working on the communication. Marriage counseling is a great way to get the communication started, but doesn't always fix the marriage. We will also all tell you that there is nothing you can do to control another person, your W has to make her own choices and there can be a whole array of reasons why she is choosing not stay in the marriage. If she chooses to try to work on it there are also many tools to help (this website, the MC, lovebusters questionnaire, books on love languages, etc). I know it is brutally tough to handle this separation... in my personal opinion a "trial separation" is rarely ever a good thing, but some have had success, but in most cases separation is just the first step in the divorce... Whatever happens though remember to take caer of yourself first, make yourself the priority, eat well, sleep well and do healthy activities in order to maintain your energy level, because without the energy you will not be able to do your part in fixing your relationship...


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

I'm sorry you are experiencing this degree of hurt. Many people on this site are hurting too and looking for answers to the mystery behind why people walk away. I wish I knew. I too am battling a similar question, and I haven't gotten an answer in 9 months. I know the answer though; he found someone else.

You said you have some problems and are in counseling. What ever your issue is, could be the cause behind why your wife left. I've become quite jaded in the last several months. I understand why some people "check out" and no longer date. It's so much easier than getting hurt. 

But with regards to your problem, only time will tell what her plan is. You need your own plan. Spend time with friends and stay busy. I know your heart is broken. Mine is too. It happens all the time and there is nothing you can do about it. Either someone loves you back or they don't. Love is a choice. And she chose to move on for now. You have hope because you aren't divorced. But while you are hoping for the best, plan for a life without her. It sucks, but it's real life. People treat each other as if they are disposable.


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## stunned1 (Sep 9, 2011)

Ive been visiting this forum for almost 2 weeks, this is my first post. I am going through the exact same thing as you and believe me it hurts like nothing short of a death. Sometimes I think that would be easier to take. We have been together for 9 1/2 yrs and married for 7 1/2. She said she wasnt happy, wanted time and space, and has now decided to move for a separation. We are working on this aspect now, and I feel every emotion you are feeling. 
I too started counseling to fix me and maybe "us", but I have realized the issue is just as much her. After looking back ( just love hindsight) there have been some changes in both. I dont know where the hurt ends and healing begins, but it will get better.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

It seems like some sort of game. Judging by your post it seems like you are still together and somewhat plan on being together in the future, you are just physically separated.

She probably thinks you will become closer in the long term because by separating she clearly shows that she loves you alot less than you love her. She wants you to long for her and miss her and want her while she deprives you of any actual time together or intimacy.

She is playing with you and enjoys treating you this way.

You should start by going no contact to spare your dignity and self respect. It would be undignified at this point to beg her of moving back together and it would make you look weak, and not like a real man. 

Don't initiate contact with her no more. If she wants to stop playing you around, she knows where to find you.

Why would you wanna be with a woman who OBVIOUSLY does NOT want to be with you anyway?

If that was me though, I'd just move on. It's obvious that she does not love you in any way. I'd recognize that the marriage is basically over and file for divorce. Atleast then I would walk away with some dignity.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

stunned1 said:


> Ive been visiting this forum for almost 2 weeks, this is my first post. I am going through the exact same thing as you and believe me it hurts like nothing short of a death. Sometimes I think that would be easier to take. We have been together for 9 1/2 yrs and married for 7 1/2. *She said she wasnt happy, wanted time and space, and has now decided to move for a separation. *We are working on this aspect now, and I feel every emotion you are feeling.
> I too started counseling to fix me and maybe "us", but I have realized the issue is just as much her. After looking back ( just love hindsight) there have been some changes in both. I dont know where the hurt ends and healing begins, but it will get better.


This is pretty common.

A woman's love isn't as deep as a man's. In most marriages the man get's alot more attached to the woman than vice versa. 

So they can more easily decide to just leave.

I don't want to sound cynical. But if you get married as a man you should realise that she will probably leave you eventually and break your heart, it doesn't matter how "good" you are, if you stay faithful, always help with chores, stayes romantic like when you where dating... she will leave in a few years, sometimes more, sometimes less.

But as they say, it's better to have love and lost than never loved at all.

All men should realise that their wife will leave them eventually, but you can still have a couple of wonderful years I'm sure. And that's not too bad. Just prepare for the fact that it's only temporary.


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## love him (Oct 23, 2011)

I am so sorry for the pain you are in.

I am in a very smilar state, my husband of 2 yrs said he did not love me anymore so I am moving out of our place into a place of my own in 2 weeks.

Like you said you feel about your wife, my husband is my familly too.

My husband said he want's to remain friends for the time bein and see how we go..

Unlike your wife my mother refused to let me move home for a few week, so I feel like I am literally loosin everything and every one.

Like you my husbnd is kinde and considarate and loving (he changed recently after the loss of his second parent).

Do you know if your wife is suffering from depression at all? because people's behaviours chnge (I know first hand).

You sound like a lovely man, I hope she see's what she is doing and treat's you and the marriage better, (maybe all it will take is this short brake)

I think my husband has made his min up though, sadly.

Take care


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Sorry that you are hurting. From your post I gather that the separation in temporary. It could be that she is trying to fix whatever the problems you have mentioned you were facing by this means. 

I have a somewhat similar experience, when my H was out of job for over a year and I was working 2 jobs with 2 young kids we slowly drifted apart on and off and towards the end we could not stand each other. I was full of anger and exhaustion, couldnt think well, badly needed a change and took my two kids and went back to home town with my parents. At that time I wanted us to have time apart and reflect on our marriage. I knew anything could have happened during that time and I was ready to face it. Fortunately, we both came to our senses pretty soon, we simply couldn't be away from each other. In my point of view it gave my husband the time and motivation to find a job and get back to where he was. The time we spent apart did bring us closer. But H thinks it was a bad idea and that he went through months of torture


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

To the OP,

>>_I don't know what I have been doind wrong in all honesty, I am a gentleman around her and trat her like a princess, she where 
we live I pay the way for both of us and never ask for a penny.

I suprise her with things i.e. flowers, gifts etc, take her to nice places, holidays etc.. and try to be there for her when she most needs me._<<

Sounds like you've put her on a pedastal. She knows she doesn't belong there and she's losing respect for you as a result.

If you continue to do the things you describe here, she will inevitably end up in the arms of a man who understands her self-image better than you.

Read the following - and see yourself in the links.

Believe me, many have traveled this road, and recovery is possible. But, you must act now.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Is her mother the root of these issues? I have had a hard marriage for 17 years. My wife left me with the kids to live with her mom for 4 months (10yrs ago). 2nd worst time in my life. Her mother also convinced her to do it to force changes in our lives that her mother wanted, not my wife. Manipulated my wife. I let her know it was not what I wanted and not what I felt was right but accepted. After 4 months of hell for my wife she came back realizing she was wrong. I just stayed positive and let her see I would be there for her even if she wasnt around. While in the end (10yrs later) other issues came up, we worked through that time. If you don't want it, express your feelings to her but be supportive and stand your ground. If you think her mother has to do with it, I would say to her that it doesnt seem like a healthy option to work things out but if this is what YOU want. Just dont attack her mom, never works out IMO. At some point if it was her mom then she will say it wasnt what she wanted.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

I feel for you and am wondering also if her mother is part of the issue... but here's the deal. YOU need to win her back. Challenge on! 

Find out what SHE wants. YOU may think she wants flowers, hugs and kisses, but is that what SHE wants? Some of us women get turned on when our husbands take the trash out, or clean up the kitchen. Seriously. 

If you want her back, be the kind of man that woos her back.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Don't know if the OP is still around, but my thoughts about "communication" have changed somewhat since I replied to this in September. I now look back at the OP and see all the things he says he does for her, but what stands out is that he doesn't say what he ever asks her to do. Conrad is right, he put her on a pedestal, and she has lost respect and attraction for him. I doubt communication is the issue, nor is a lengthy separation the solution, I think this is not about him not giving her what she needs its about him doing it for the wrong reasons, he is seeking approval instead of giving freely.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If you don't know it means you never talk to one another. Unless you're married to a gold digger psychopath or a bigamist, their leaving isn't an out of the blue completely random thing. To be honest, OP sounds kind of whiny and he appears to fixing what HE thinks is wrong the way HE thinks it should be fixed. He does not appear to have asked his wife about it.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

Communication is the root of most marrital issues...if talking doesn't work for you...write her a note/letter and ask what she sees as the problems so that you can give each issue some thought before responding...but this thing that her Mother wants...who really cares what her Mother wants??...this is between a man and wife, no one else...if you can't get her to properly communicate (without her Mother's input), then it may be time to be ready to move on...

Later.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I have come to disagree with communication being the root - sure in most marital breakdowns there is a corresponding communication breakdown, but it the meat of what hasn't been communicated that is the lethal matter. In most cases I'm beginning to suspect that it is attraction that has eroded and the message not being communicated is being held back in fear of offending our loved one. So if you are going to start working on communicating be sure to speak and listen to the truth - instead of evading it because it may be politically or socially incorrect to offer up your judgemental opinion... if your spouse has become fat and/or lazy, then tell them that is why you are no longer attracted to them, so they atleast have a chance to fix themself.


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