# My coming out... Q's looking for A's



## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

Hello to all...

I've been checking the forum for quite some time now and although sometimes helpful it also bring lots of confusion...

So here's my story:
Married 8 years together 10. A beautiful little girl 8 yo.
We have a 10 year age difference, in my 40's she is in her 30's.
We both work and make a nice living. I have contributed to her climbing the corporate ladder and she is now regarded as a great specialist in her field. We are from different countries. I have groomed her, so to say, and I am now in a total wreck as I hear her say, thank you now I am a grown self esteemed woman, I need my space and privacy etc... I love you, you are family, I want it to work...

I have been an ******* to her for years and have not taken the necesseary steps in time to fix the relationship even if I love her deeply. 

She is now having a EA with her boss and I tried to confront her but her reaction was typical denial... We are friends, yes I have bond with him and bla bla bla but there is no cheating... I had the evidence but never used it as I though and believe I was invading her privacy... All about love, understanding etc...
I do believe it is not yet physical but for how long...?

I think that they are now seriously underground as he is also married with 3 kids! The openess of the EA has ceased and it sort of makes me feel better but now I just dont know if it has ended or not! They are going on a BT in Paris in a couple weeks and I just dont know...

She asked me to turn the page to save our family and marriage but I get overwhelmed and confused as to what to do. I have taken steps to take care of myself, take good care of our daughter as I am handling the responsabilities 
But I find myself shifting from one attitude to another regarding her EA. Sometimes I try the 180, sometimes I just show love and compassion etc etc... The "limbo" feeling is agonizing...

I went to therapy that didnt help... I am just totally f*** lost...

I do know this:
- I want it to work
- I have to make it work
- She gave me 7 years of trying, I can give her 1?

I have found alot of useful information but as you can see by my post my thoughts are just disparate and I cannot seem to get myself on 1 specific behaviour pattern...

Thank you for anyone reading and I greatly would appreciate advice on how to handle this.

Please keep in mind that I will not leave her.
'
Cordially.

C.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You are zipping all over the place here, which is understandable given your emotions at this time.
Do you have any evidence of what's been going on?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

jobill4444 said:


> Please keep in mind that I will not leave her.


She also keeps that in mind, and thus can do pretty much anything she will.


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## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

Yes I did have evidence but stoped going on that path.
I know, I accept it and I want to deal with it.

As far as her doing what she wants, yes I do understand that but I cannot change the way I feel. 

The difficult parts are :
- Coping with the fact
- Realizing that I am responsible for our problems
- Maybe even accept the fact.... FFS!!!

Just have to find a behaviour pattern that will keep me focused.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Don't take responsibility for HER actions.
Use the proof you have and expose it to his wife, and don't tell your wife that you're going to do this.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A few questions for you:

Why is she still working with the man she is having an affair with?
If you have evidence why have you not called his wife?
If you have evidence why have you not informed his HR department?

Unless you do the above you have zero chance of your marriage recovering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.

I want to be constructive, not destructive.

Call me a fool but this is just too important for me right now to throw it all out just like that...

We build too much together, gome thrue too much to drop it dead like that.

There has to be another solution...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

jobill4444 said:


> Call me a fool but this is just too important for me right now to throw it all out just like that...


By not pulling the plug you ARE throwing it away - trust me. I - and many others - made the same mistake.
You need to expose and force the fantasy to support reality. Then, and only then, will you have any chance of saving the marriage.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You don't want to destruct their affair, then the affair will destruct you. It's as simple as that. Infidelity is a hard problem, there are no painless recipes to make everything work. Sorry that this is not what you want to hear.

You have a long and hopeless road of pain ahead of you.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

jobill4444 said:


> Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.
> 
> I want to be constructive, not destructive.
> 
> ...


Your not a fool but you are in some serious denial , a clear case of fear to save your marriage.

Get a VAR and velcro it under her car seat, load a keylogger, get hold of her text messages and bust this affair wide open or , pack your bags in readiness for an impending marriage break up . Your marriage can survive an exposure and her leaving her job it cannot survive her ongoing adultery.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Read the newbie thread, guidelines and supporting posts have been placed therein to help the BS :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

There is one thing you may need to keep in mind. If they are throwing around the word "love" there is a very good chance it will become physical in Paris. You could just come out and ask why she was using the word "love" with him, you would not have to divulge how you know. Let her think someone from the office contacted you. Make her explain and let her know if it does goes physical, she will not learn from you that you know but from your lawyer. It would be best to let the OM's wife know but if you are not willing to go in that direction you need to at least approach your wife prior to her trip.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

1st things is you are in some sort of denial. You will not leave her but she will definitely leave you if you do not take some critical but harsh steps.

2) What kind of evidence do you have?

3) Why do you think there was no physical affair?


In the mean time, read the stories around here. See how husbands like you who are in denial are wiped the floor with by their cheating spouses. She looked you straight in the eyes and lies. She could do anything now. The faster you realize this, the better. Every betrayed spouse thinks that their spouse is unique case of infidelity. You will soon realize these are all common patterns in infidelity issues.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Why do you think searching for proof is wrong, but you are accusing your wife of infidelity and betrayal based on feelings? I say that is far more wrong than collecting hard proof for yourself of exactly what is happening.

You don't want to confront her or tell anyone? If she is having an affair, all you're doing is living a lie.

This group learned THE HARD WAY. We tried your way and FAILED. Get your head out of the clouds and come back to earth. Be brave and not a coward to save your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

jobill4444 said:


> Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.
> 
> I want to be constructive, not destructive.
> 
> ...


There can only be recovery once the affair is DONE.

The affair is taking her away from the marriage.

She won't respect any man that would allow his wife to be taken by another man.

You are letting him take her away by not acting. You have become a defender and enabler of the affair.

Until you realize that your only hope is to kill the affair by any means - you will continue to be a cuckold.

You must make the affair too costly for him to continue - you do that by exposing the evidence to his wife which he IS also cheating on.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you think that it's all on you that she's traveling off to Paris with her boyfriend/boss and leaving it up to you to find a way to "save your marriage", you can rest assured that you will fail and she will continue to blame you while she is leaving with your kids.
Complacency is the death of any relationship and working to save it in no way includes signing off on a wayward spouse affairs.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Sorry,

All out of magic pills. I reordered but they are on backorder right now.

Jobill,

Your marriage has three people in it. It can only have two. If you do not remove the other man your wife will remove you. By not taking action you are allowing others to act for you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

J.B.,

April in Paris? How romantic for them.

You need to educate yourself about women. The more you tolerate this, the more you debase yourself in your wife's eyes. After all, she gets moist for the kind of man who fvcks other men's wives.

Read this:
Alpha Game: The socio-sexual hierarchy

In her eyes you're a "gamma" she took pity on and her boss is an "alpha." You need to get a clue and start moving toward alpha very fast. The easiest way to do that is to take out the OM. That can be literal (not generally recommended) or operationally (exposure to OM's wife). Otherwise, you might as well help pick the lingerie she's going to wear for her lover while they are together in Paree.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your post is very sad and everyone knows how this will end. She is going to Paris with her lover/boss to Paris. How sweet for them. I would strongly suggest that you get tested for STD's. You are in very strong denial and somehow believe in the concept of magical thoughts.

It is so obvious that you have self-esteem and co-dependency issues. Your wife has no problem making you look like a fool. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not expose the affair to the OM's spouse that you really are a fool. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Maybe if you stood up for yourself and see an attorney to understand your options she would take notice. Right now there is absolutely no reason for her to change her behavior. It is so sad that you are in such denial. Good luck because you need it.


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

jobill4444 said:


> Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.
> 
> I want to be constructive, not destructive.
> 
> ...


Everybody says that, or some derivation.

"Yes, my spouse is cheating on me and doesn't love me anymore and wants out of the marriage"

BUT

"We have invested so much"
"I want it to work"
"I am the reason for many of the problems in the marriage"

You see, you make it all about you, what you want, the problems you caused.

It's not about you anymore.

She's gone.

To Paris with her lover.

While you wait for her to change her mind and blame yourself and do nothing.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You NEED to expose.
Let her boss make the choice of whether he wants her or his wife (99% chance he'll go for his wife)
Start divorce proceedings and leave you wife with nothing to do but stare in horror as her fantasy crumbles.
Then, when the bridges are burnt, the secrets are out and she is forced to face what has happened your marriage may have a chance.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Numb, he's not ripe for it yet. To act tough love you have to mean it, and he's not anywhere near there. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe never. He will not listen to the advice.


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

Numb-badger said:


> Start divorce proceedings and leave you wife with nothing to do but stare in horror as her fantasy crumbles.
> Then, when the bridges are burnt, the secrets are out and she is forced to face what has happened your marriage may have a chance.


How can there be a chance when he destroys her fantasy?

She chose the other guy because she doesn't want him.

So he's supposed to destroy what she has with the other guy so she'll pick him as a second choice?

All he's going to do is piss her off and she'll want to get even, usually with a shark divorce attorney that costs them both a lot of money.

Best thing to do. Look in the mirror, acknowledge it's over and it's just you left now and walk away from her, keeping as much of your stuff as you can. Including your dignity.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Jobill, I was in your position a few months ago - and folks on this forum saved me (even though they thought I was being a total wuss about it all).

You feel like a scorched earth approach of confrontation and full exposure will drive her away. You are afraid that she will leave you. You want to be gentle and nudge her out of her affair. 

I tried all those things the first time. Two months later, I found out that the lies had gotten worse. The reason is that she is in a fog - she is irrational and she is just in no position to make a rational choice. It took a really aggressive line to wake her up.

The ONLY way to kill the affair, is to make it an inconvenient pain in the ass for both of them. 

Tell the boss's wife everything you know.
Confront your wife about everything.
Tell your wife that going to Paris together will lead to you filing papers. 
Tell her parents and close friends what you know. 

Then get ready for a firestorm - but things will get better on the other side. Or not, and then you could move on knowing you did what you needed to.


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

thrway214 said:


> The ONLY way to kill the affair, is to make it an inconvenient pain in the ass for both of them.
> 
> Tell the boss's wife everything you know.
> Confront your wife about everything.
> ...


Things could get a whole lot worse.

People that give advice that says "in a pathetic attempt to get him or her back and fix the marriage, you must kill the affair and destroy the OM or OW's life!" have obviously never been through a high conflict divorce.

WALK AWAY. 

Get a neat, clean, peaceful divorce and cut your losses. Don't rile up the enemy with useless shots over their bow.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You are coming up with excuses to cover up the fact that you are afraid of change and loss.

Here is a newsflash-the change and loss already happened. You just didn't realize it until now because your wife kept it a secret from you.

Welcome to reality. You have been living an illusion, due to your understandable attempts to live in denial. How has it been working for you?

Does your situation suck? Yes.
Will sticking your head in the sand help? No.
Will sticking your head in the sand make it worse? Yes.

You can continue to be treated with disrespect and let your wife cake eat, you can walk away, or you can raise hell.

Only raising hell will potentially save your marriage. If it does, it will get worse before it gets better, but you at least have a chance with option 3.

Your life, your choice. Your choices so far have gotten you where you are today, which is in an awful place. MAYBE you should consider trying something different-Manning up.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jobill4444 said:


> Thank you for writing but this is not a path that I want to take.
> 
> I want to be constructive, not destructive.
> 
> ...


You wish to take no firm action then. I see. Nothing to change the situation. Ok. You are done then. Let her go and move on. Taking no action enables her further, but you may be better off just leaving before she throws you out.

Then in all seriousness get a hobby and let your wife have her affairs. Just be a submissive and don't rock the boat. She will decide when you must leave. Maybe when she gets back from her fling with her BF.

You should try to work on yourself so that when she finally detaches you will not be so in love with her any more. Maybe you can reduce the hurt that way. So as they say let her go. You taking no action does not save the marriage.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

A promise.

You are going to come back here someday and look at the words you wrote, and think....

"OMG, WTF was I thinking!?!?!"

It will happen. Bank on it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

She says she has feelings for him and they are going to Paris together.

She tells you that she loves you but that you should turn the page.

You may have been an ass, you may have been a bad husband but that does not excuse or make it okay to have an affair in front of you. 
It does not make it your fault.

This post makes me very sad because you have set yourself up to lose her, in fact you already have lost her. The woman you loved is going to Paris in Spring with another man.

By saying to yourself that you will not leave her and that she deserves a year for your seven of being an ass you have set yourself up for limbo for a few years until she leaves you in disgust.

Why do you think her feelings for this strong, sexy man who takes her to Paris will diminish on their own? The longer you leave it, the less chance you have.

The thing is. She wants both. She wants you at home and she wants a part time affair with the man with three kids. She wants it to remain in the dark at his end. As long as they can exist in the grey area of an affair they will continue. 
Why wouldn't they?

As everyone says..
EXPOSE and EXPOSE the affair now. 
I suspect if my exposure had been successful [not intercepted] twelve months ago I would still be married now.

The longer this goes on, the less chance you have. Affairs do not die a natural death. They get stronger. 
YOU have to kill it. NOW.

Tell the guys wife before it goes physical. You all then have a chance. 

EXPOSE IT FOR YOUR KID
EXPOSE IT FOR HIS KIDS


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

jectruc said:


> Things could get a whole lot worse.
> 
> People that give advice that says "in a pathetic attempt to get him or her back and fix the marriage, you must kill the affair and destroy the OM or OW's life!" have obviously never been through a high conflict divorce.
> 
> ...


The problem here is there is no "Neat clean Divorce" 
There are 4 kids involved and the four adults involved are going to have to have a a relationship for the rest of their lives.
This affair relies on secrecy and being an added extra.

Exposure just brings the relationship into the light. This is fair on everyone including the affair partners, because at the moment..

Both AP are lying to their children
One AP is lying to his wife.
One AP is attempting to have both.

After Exposure all parties can make decisions based on the reality of the situation. Not this little Paris in Spring time fantasy.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

jectruc said:


> Get a neat, clean, peaceful divorce and cut your losses. Don't rile up the enemy with useless shots over their bow.


This makes no sense. What about all the former waywards who have woken up from their fog - and realized how deeply delusional they were? 

Right now, OP is dealing with a shell of a human being. You don't divorce the zombie. You give the spouse a fighting chance to come out of the fog. If she doesn't wake up, you proceed to D. If she does wake up, you then sit down and figure out what you want to do.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

thrway214 said:


> This makes no sense. What about all the former waywards who have woken up from their fog - and realized how deeply delusional they were?
> 
> Right now, OP is dealing with a shell of a human being. You don't divorce the zombie. You give the spouse a fighting chance to come out of the fog. If she doesn't wake up, you proceed to D. If she does wake up, you then sit down and figure out what you want to do.


Agreed. 
What do healthy adults do who want out of a marriage?
Hint: they don't create parallel fantasy lives with inappropriate/unavailable partners.

Affairs are ESCAPIST, ADDICTIVE behaviors. They are a cry for help in many cases.

My WS didn't divorce me--he begged for our marriage back. But not until the fantasy went 'poof.'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

Thanks to all of you, it is helping me alot...

I want you guys to understand that it I f*** up big time and she stood by me no matter what: The drugs, the alcohol, the gambling and all the rest...
I do understand that she is wrong and I am not excusing it in any way, I just dont think that it is fair to her as I have put her thrue so much... Maybe she needs to explore this fantasy to get back to our reality?

I liked the 2 last posts these give me a glimmer of hope that she might get out of the fog and we can move on. I also know that it will be never be the same, it already isnt but as I keep on saying we (WE not ME) have survived so much that this is BS compared to the rest.

If it is to end then f*** it let it be, but I will be true to sticking by her as she stood by me in those time...

Is that wrong? Most of you think so... My little girl gives me the strengh right now and I have to stay strong for her as she will be detroyed by a split up...

I would really would like to have some input of people that have taken the hard road and manage to salvage their families. The hard road being accepting the reality, be patient see what happens... 

I believe destroying everything is alot easier than building. There will always be time to destroy, but I am ready to give it time.

As for manning up, yeah of course, I could get back to the old ways, but the truth is all this is making me a better man. Paradoxal I guess... Well nontheless a fact, I dont drink, do drugs, gamble, lost 20kg and am a much better father than I ever was... Is that bad?

Is being a man destying everything? Is being a man suckin it all in for the best and / or the worst? I dont know...

Anyways thanks again for the input.


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## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

Thank you for your insight. If you could share your story with me I would really appreciate it.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You really seem to make effort on misreading everything people tell you here. 

Nobody tells you to pick up drinking, drugs or gambling. Manning up does not mean that. Just stand for yourself. As long as you are in fear, you aren't going anywhere.

Nobody tells you to destroy everything. Everybody tells you to destroy the affair, because as long as the affair continues, you stand ZERO chance to get her back.

Now please read the above sentence again. When I say ZERO I mean ZERO, 0, none, nada. No, not 1 in 100. No, your case is not special. No, writing her love poems and doing laundry better will not make her love you again.

You are not standing by her side, my friend. You are on laying on the floor, and she is wiping her feet on you.


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## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

snap said:


> You really seem to make effort on misreading everything people tell you here.
> 
> Nobody tells you to pick up drinking, drugs or gambling. Manning up does not mean that. Just stand for yourself. As long as you are in fear, you aren't going anywhere.
> 
> ...


Its underground now just another f*** up on my part... She knows I know isnt that enought? Let her get out of the fog? I mean FFS I seem to be in a loose loose situation...


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

jobill4444 said:


> Its underground now just another f*** up on my part... She knows I know isnt that enought? Let her get out of the fog? I mean FFS I seem to be in a loose loose situation...


No. Unfortunately, this is not enough. She knows you will put up with this. Why should she bother?

As long as her affair is comfortable, she has no motivation to stop it. Why would she? Out of respect to you? But would she have started it in the first place if she respected you?

Just think a bit. You knowing it does not change much.

You have to kill the affair. The most certain way to kill an affair is to expose it. To HR, to his wife.

You have to command respect. The shortest path to it is to respect yourself first. To be able to say "no" when it has to be said.

And if there is ever a situation to say firm "no", it's where you are now.

I don't really think you'll do any of that now, but writing this more in hope than when you get tired from your guts being wrenched, you will recall it.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Jobill, if you wallow in the guilt over your mistakes, that will be your life- until the end. Life is too precious to waste in this way. Moving on from a bad situation does not necessarily have to be destructive; it can be reconstructive. Moving on may mean drawing a line in the sand and forcing her to make a choice to divorce or to commit to rebuilding your marriage and your family. In the end, though, the choice is really yours. Don't be like the frog who sits in boiling water until he's dead. Get out of the pot, one way or the other.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jobill4444 said:


> I would really would like to have some input of people that have taken the hard road and manage to salvage their families. The hard road being accepting the reality, be patient see what happens...


*crickets*


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## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> A promise.
> 
> You are going to come back here someday and look at the words you wrote, and think....
> 
> ...


g me. 

Hey mate. Not sure what u are telling me. I have red many of your threads and you seem very educated on the matter.
What would your advice be? I just dont know what to do mate? On one hand you say that there is nothing to do and on the other there is all the expose expose factor. 
From what I understood there is nothing I can do, I have to suck it up and wait for the fog to go or what? 
I would really appreciate your input.


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## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> *crickets*


Whats that ?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

jobill4444 said:


> Whats that ?


he means no one here will answer that because it doesn't work


I can however point you out to a few threads where people tried it and got nowhere but limbo for a long time until the divorce

houstondad, marksaysay, hurtinginTN are just a few posters I can think of


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Agreed.
> What do healthy adults do who want out of a marriage?
> Hint: they don't create parallel fantasy lives with inappropriate/unavailable partners.
> 
> ...


If you liked my post did you read my other one??
How do you think you end her fantasy?
Not by enabling her addiction.

Look, I treated my hubs like sh** for 2 or 3 years. I was emotionally abusive at times (I plead 2 tiny kids, exhaustion, and a massive sense of entitlement I've since killed dead). But I NEVER saw that as a license to cheat. He even cheated thru 6 mos of MC!!

It took years for him to be ready to give up the EA, it was because I was doing the 180 unwittingly, working on being my best self. And I needed that *regardless* of his ultimate choice to stay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jobill4444 said:


> g me.
> 
> Hey mate. Not sure what u are telling me. I have red many of your threads and you seem very educated on the matter.
> What would your advice be? I just dont know what to do mate? On one hand you say that there is nothing to do and on the other there is all the expose expose factor.
> ...


I never say there is nothing to do. If you have ever heard me say do nothing, its a combination of sarcasm and resignation. Some people can't do anything, and not because there is nothing to do. It's because they don't have the resolve and don't have the strength to do what is nessasary. It's tough, the recommendations you get are counter intuative given your smogged state of mind right now. 

There are realities here that you can not escape, no matter how much you want to. There will be so many things that you will learn along this journey. But, your not ready to listen. The horrible irony is, when you are ready to listen and ready to take action... It will be too too far gone. 

I'm sorry man, it is what it is. Your not changing it and your situation is not unique. We've all seen this exact story play out so many times. It stings to read it again and again and again.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Jobill,

You are standing in your house watching it be consumed by flames while holding a firehose in your hands all the time sighing "there's nothing I can do."

You are choosing to be a passive observer watching the destruction of your marriage. NOBODY is successful waiting for their spouse to come out of the fog on their own. Unless they are seeking a divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you can't do anything at least send an annonymous letter to his wife and maybe she has the stones to do something. You are basically paralyzed with fear. Thats why your going to get blasted when the truck hits. Just like the squrriel running back and forth in the middle of the road. And just so you know, a spouse in an affair lies whenever their mouth is open.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Where did Paris come from? Someone brought this up but I see no mention of it from the OP. Maybe I just need a nap.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Where did Paris come from? Someone brought this up but I see no mention of it from the OP. Maybe I just need a nap.


You just missed it in one of his posts.

OP, I just looked back and out of more than 600 threads I have read here, only one time has what you are suggesting you do, be nice and wait, worked out. Thats not gambling thats marital suicide. More bad news, when posters talk like you do, they almost always wait until its to late to take the proper steps. When a spouse cheats you have only about a one on three chance of saving the marriage. You have a good shot because it is likely the OM will throw your wife under the bus to save his marriage and keep his family together.

Let his wife know before the party in Paris.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Where did Paris come from? Someone brought this up but I see no mention of it from the OP. Maybe I just need a nap.


OP's first offering:

I think that they are now seriously underground as he is also married with 3 kids! The openess of the EA has ceased and it sort of makes me feel better but now I just dont know if it has ended or not! They are going on a BT in Paris in a couple weeks and I just dont know...


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## jobill4444 (Apr 10, 2012)

180 results after 3 hours:

- You are behaving inadequately, what is wrong? Tell me or it will get worse...
- What do I do: I tell her about the BT in paris and my worries
- She tells me i am nuts and paranoid... That we discussed that already...
- She tells me shes pissed off with that and wants to leave for 2-3 days alone...

Damn, its like a script from these forums...

What now?


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

You listen to what everyone has said. get ahold of OMW and tell her what is going on. Get ahold of her work HR Department and tell them. Read more threads on here so you know that this situation is not new. You will see it over and over thread after thread. You must expose the affair to break the fog. You must break the fog to start recovery. You said you did drugs. You wife is doing them now- her high is an emotional one coming from the OM. If you were addicted, then you know exactly what she is going through now- self destructive behavior-I don't have a problem, those kinds of things. Think of you exposing the affair as a intervention.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to. She will talk like your are the worst person in the world. Fire and venom will come from her eyes and mouth. She will tell you she never wants to see you again. Like any drug addict, once she detoxes, she will be rational again. You can take away the drug, but you have to have the balls to do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JoBill,

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. My advice is to read the books and do what they tell you do to. 

The is another book that might be very helpful to you as well... "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. He's the author of the other books as well.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

jobill4444 said:


> 180 results after 3 hours:
> 
> - You are behaving inadequately, what is wrong? Tell me or it will get worse...
> - What do I do: I tell her about the BT in paris and my worries
> ...



Pray to god, for him to get tired of your wife soon, she not finding another boss, she to come back and fall in love with you, to for giving her/him an epiphany and stop fuc*king on your back,Pray to god, when they are in paris let him have an ED or PE. Stand on your knees and pray and pray.


But 

You can also pray to god to give some courage, give back the self respect, guts to get rid of a cheater, who treats her loving husband as a cuckold and doormat, pray for that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> JoBill,
> 
> Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. My advice is to read the books and do what they tell you do to.
> 
> The is another book that might be very helpful to you as well... "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. He's the author of the other books as well.


Just my two cents, if she is going to Paris with her lover its too late for plan A.

Print this off and read it with her. If she has aready left email/text it to her. Of course I would assume she is already having relations with him but who knows.

So let’s now look at emotional affair signs :-

Emotional Affair Signs Checklist
•The ‘cheater’ keeps their ‘friendship’ secret from their partner.
•They therefore don’t share or talk about calls, texts, etc. that they receive from their friend, with their partners.
•They do all they can to hide those calls and text messages.
•When confronted by a partner, they deny any wrongdoing and may accuse their partner of being silly, of looking for something that doesn’t exist.
•They can even become aggressive when being quizzed about their friendship.
•Their responses are often centered around things like “he’s/she’s just a friend,” “he’s/she’s a good listener,” “it’s only about work,” etc.
•The cheater looks to spend more and more time out of the house with their friend.
•The cheater actually looks forward to spending time with their friend rather than with their spouse or partner.
•They tell their friend things that they don’t even share with their spouse / partner.
•Cheaters spend less time having meaningful conversations with their spouse.
•They are less interested in sex with their spouse or partner.
•They can sometimes behave in ways with their friend that they would never have done with their spouse or partner.
•They conjure up reasons to give their friends gifts.
•Cheaters can suddenly become more critical of their spouse or partner, e.g., the way they dress, the way they look, etc.

If you are the one being cheated, you may or may not recognize all or some of these emotional affair signs. And if you are the one who has a special ‘friend,’ you might want to digest the list above to see if your friendship has developed into an emotional affair, perhaps without your knowing?

Whichever is the case, emotional affair signs need to be addressed at once, by both the innocent spouse / partner and the cheater. Failure to recognize the signs early on, and address them correctly, can leave a marriage or committed relationship in tatters.

But there are correct and incorrect ways to tackle the affair. Taking the correct actions now, in the correct sequence can help to rescue a marriage or relationship. Blundering in without knowing the correct steps and techniques can help to hasten its destruction.

As well as discussing emotional affair signs, Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s report ‘How to Survive an Affair’ takes you by the hand, and step-by-careful-step, shows you just how to get over an emotional affair and save your marriage. If you wish to, you can download it here.


Read more: http://www.emotionalaffairsite.com/...motional-affair-signs-checklist#ixzz1rvGAGwN0

Good luck and be strong, its your only hope.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jobill4444 said:


> What now?


Options...

1. You get your fuc*ing head out of your ass, grab the wheel and do what gives you the best (but still _very_ slim) chance of recovering your marriage.

2. You don't. You sit back, buckle your seat belt, Do a couple hail mary's and wait to see which tree this thing gets wrapped around. 

It's up to you.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

jobill4444 said:


> Damn, its like a script from these forums...
> 
> What now?


Get ready for more of the script to unfold exactly as predicted. I doubted so much of what was written here, but every single time, I was proved wrong and it went to script. So much so, that if something doesn't follow the typical, I start to doubt whether I am getting the truth. 

Jobill, get ready for a tough tough road. Follow the suggestions here. It will be VERY difficult. But it is the one narrow hope you have to restore the marriage. Hopefully, you have caught this affair early and recovery will be quicker. 

Taking a slower approach only allows the affair to take deeper root - and no matter what the final outcome (divorce or reconciliation), the road gets tougher, not easier. 

*Go 180. Tell the guy's wife everything you know. Tell your spouse's parents. Work on yourself and your daughter's short-term safety/health/happiness. Let the events unfold, and come here for comfort and advice. *


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Most likely the Paris trip is days away now, and your WW is pissed that your manning up now. 

Please expose the affair to OMW.

Your wife is gone right now, she will be coming home from Paris even worse.

While the both of them are in Paris this will give you and the OMW chance to get your business in order, and start protecting your selves from the train wreck coming your way.

This is going to be a honeymoon for your WW and the OM, there is a big change coming when they get back, and you will be hurting even worse then you already are.

Your lack of fighting will be your demise. 

I understand why you tolorate this, I did for 13 years. Your current path will lead to more affairs for your wife. After this one she will continue to resent you for not fighting, she will have another and it will get easier for her. The both of you will start doing your own thing and after several man and many years passing you just might figure it out and start the tough love she needed all a long.

This thing your WW is having is snowballing and its just going to get bigger, maybe not with her current boyfriend but her behvior will get worse.


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