# Catching my husband



## mandmsmom (Jan 10, 2020)

I went through our phone bill and there are some numbers not recognized. What sites do you reccommend for checking who the number belongs to? I have found several phone numbers I don't recognize that are from out of state and even the country. How can I find out who they belong to. I called one-a woman answered and I hung up. I didn't know what to say. I blocked my number using *67. Any advice on how I can do this. I used a reverse look up app on my phone it doesn't seem accurate or work on Canadian numbers. Thank you so much.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can Google or Bing phone numbers, this works reasonably well if they are registered to a business. Or if they are scam numbers as these will be on scam number databases.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Were they calls he made or received? If received, spammers can spoof numbers.

Do you have reason to suspect anything beyond there being unrecognized numbers?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

mandmsmom said:


> I went through our phone bill and there are some numbers not recognized. What sites do you reccommend for checking who the number belongs to? I have found several phone numbers I don't recognize that are from out of state and even the country. How can I find out who they belong to. I called one-a woman answered and I hung up. I didn't know what to say. I blocked my number using *67. Any advice on how I can do this. I used a reverse look up app on my phone it doesn't seem accurate or work on Canadian numbers. Thank you so much.


Any idea as to the frequency and length of the calls?

I get spam calls and texts all the time. They show numbers often from random locations. If they're a one off I wouldn't bother, but if it's 100 20 minute phone calls to the same number, different story.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SpyDialer is the best free one.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

If most are incoming I wouldn't worry too much
My number got stolen.

Keep getting calls, and texts from people telling me to quit calling them. Getting cussed out etc.
They don't show on my phone bill. 
However incoming calls from people who have had their number hijakced show up on my phone bill.
And then the one return call for a few seconds it takes them to tell me they never called.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

red oak said:


> Keep getting calls, and texts from people telling me to quit calling them. Getting cussed out etc.
> They don't show on my phone bill.
> However incoming calls from people who have had their number hijakced show up on my phone bill.
> And then the one return call for a few seconds it takes them to tell me they never called.


What is happening in these cases is that the spammers can put whatever number they want in the caller id. The caller id is essentially random. It's not exactly that they stole or hijacked your number. It just so happens that the number they randomly selected happened to be your phone number number. The spammers can set the caller id to anything just like you can write whatever return address you want on an envelope. When you get angry calls from people saying you're spamming them, this is how they got your number.

A variation is called "neighbor spam", which is where the spammer will make up a number for caller id that is similar to the number they are calling. This way the person receiving the call thinks it's local (e.g. a neighbor) and answers it. 

So anyone looking at a phone bill should be aware that the numbers could be randomly generated from spammers and don't necessarily indicate who called. In the OP where she called the number and a woman answered, that could just be some random person who has nothing to do with this. Make sure you look at other signs like how long the call was, how frequently they talked, and things like that to know if it's a real caller instead of a spammer.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Did you try Canada411?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

wilson said:


> What is happening in these cases is that the spammers can put whatever number they want in the caller id. The caller id is essentially random. It's not exactly that they stole or hijacked your number. It just so happens that the number they randomly selected happened to be your phone number number. The spammers can set the caller id to anything just like you can write whatever return address you want on an envelope. When you get angry calls from people saying you're spamming them, this is how they got your number.
> 
> A variation is called "neighbor spam", which is where the spammer will make up a number for caller id that is similar to the number they are calling. This way the person receiving the call thinks it's local (e.g. a neighbor) and answers it.
> 
> So anyone looking at a phone bill should be aware that the numbers could be randomly generated from spammers and don't necessarily indicate who called. In the OP where she called the number and a woman answered, that could just be some random person who has nothing to do with this. Make sure you look at other signs like how long the call was, how frequently they talked, and things like that to know if it's a real caller instead of a spammer.


I once got a phone call from someone at work... with that person sitting in my office not using his phone. Spammers and scammers are insidious.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Marduk said:


> I once got a phone call from someone at work... with that person sitting in my office not using his phone. Spammers and scammers are insidious.


Two weeks ago the police showed up at my door in the middle of the night because a 911 call had been received from my phone number. Turns out it was a stalker spoofing my phone number. These days incoming phone numbers/caller ID's mean nothing, you have to be able to GPS the actual physical phone that made the call.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Red Sonja said:


> Two weeks ago the police showed up at my door in the middle of the night because a 911 call had been received from my phone number. Turns out it was a stalker spoofing my phone number. These days incoming phone numbers/caller ID's mean nothing, you have to be able to GPS the actual physical phone that made the call.


:surprise: That could be scary depending on what the person said.
Too much like those prank 911 calls gamers did and got 2 people killed.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Red Sonja said:


> Two weeks ago the police showed up at my door in the middle of the night because a 911 call had been received from my phone number. Turns out it was a stalker spoofing my phone number. These days incoming phone numbers/caller ID's mean nothing, you have to be able to GPS the actual physical phone that made the call.


Wow. Holy crap.


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## mandmsmom (Jan 10, 2020)

They were texts and calls he made. I am pretty positive he is cheating. He was secretly using KIK. I don't have solid proof because I confronted him to soon and now everything is deleted and he won't let me restore his phone or give me his icloud password to reset the phone.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

mandmsmom said:


> They were texts and calls he made. I am pretty positive he is cheating. He was secretly using KIK. I don't have solid proof because I confronted him to soon and now everything is deleted and he won't let me restore his phone or give me his icloud password to reset the phone.


He is hiding things from you and presumably blaming you for being nosy or controlling or whatever works for his blame shifting technique. It's called DARVO= Deny Accuse Reverse victim and offender. When someone is using that on you, they can't be trusted. In a marriage, a couple is supposed to work together and 100% have each other's backs. Obviously he is doing other things that have caused you to think he is cheating, so this is just another example of his suspicious behavior. You don't have to have proof that he's cheating. What he's doing is enough to know that he is acting strangely and refuses to explain what is going on. Instead he digs in his heals and blames you for the trouble. Am I right?

You want to catch him in his cheating, but you already have caught him in suspicious activity and in mistreating you. What more do you need and why?


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## mandmsmom (Jan 10, 2020)

I guess I am second guessing myself due to his turn around. He is now mad and angry at me, I think he is refusing to talk to me . He has me questioning myself.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

mandmsmom said:


> I guess I am second guessing myself due to his turn around. He is now mad and angry at me, I think he is refusing to talk to me . He has me questioning myself.


That is what DARVO is for. It's a form of gaslighting, which is to make a person question their own reality. It's a type of crazy making. He has now succeeded in making you think you're the one who's got a problem and wondering if you can trust your own senses and judgment. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This is a form of verbal/emotional abuse that can really cause you to doubt yourself and feel terrible. {{hugs to you}}


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Fortunately swatting (calling police on someone) is being recognized as a serious crime these days



red oak said:


> :surprise: That could be scary depending on what the person said.
> Too much like those prank 911 calls gamers did and got 2 people killed.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So he is now angry because you are questioning his questionable calls and texts.

This is the classic behavior of a remorseless cake-eating cheater -> He wants his sidepiece(s) as well as you and his family, so he gaslights and stamps his feet to try to get you to back off and away from the very evidence that would make you leave his cheating, cake-eating ass.

Stay quiet and investigate. Once you know more of the truth you can make a more informed decision to leave his chieating, cake-eating ass.

Dump a cheater and gain a life. That's the camp I'm in.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mandmsmom said:


> They were texts and calls he made. I am pretty positive he is cheating. He was secretly using KIK. I don't have solid proof because I confronted him to soon and now everything is deleted and he won't let me restore his phone or give me his icloud password to reset the phone.


Use other means such as a VAR in his car when he thinks he is in a safe place. Go into stealth mode, do not put him on notice you are observing him. Act nice, lull him into a false sense of security as if nothing is happening. You showed your cards too early by confronting.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What do you plan to do if you get the proof you want? What is enough proof? Don't you already know what's going on? You don't have to prove to him what he's doing. He already knows. What matters is what you plan to do about it.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Marduk said:


> I once got a phone call from someone at work... with that person sitting in my office not using his phone. Spammers and scammers are insidious.


I got a call from my own number once.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

mandmsmom said:


> They were texts and calls he made. I am pretty positive he is cheating. He was secretly using KIK. I don't have solid proof because I confronted him to soon and now everything is deleted and he won't let me restore his phone or give me his icloud password to reset the phone.





Rubix Cubed said:


> I got a call from my own number once.


Yeah, I got a call from my own number with my own name in the caller ID, but that is not the topic here. When questioned about the numbers, the man didn't say he was getting weird calls, he got angry and erased all information on his phone. This thread has nothing to do with robo calls.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Cynthia said:


> Yeah, I got a call from my own number with my own name in the caller ID, but that is not the topic here. When questioned about the numbers, the man didn't say he was getting weird calls, he got angry and erased all information on his phone.* This thread has nothing to do with robo calls.*


 I agree, just pointing out the general information that the number you see may not always be the number that called for anyone reading this that may be seeking info on investigating their spouse.

As for the OP's sitch, the "angry and deleting calls" is pretty incriminating, to the point I would consider it an admission of guilt.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I agree, just pointing out the general information that the number you see may not always be the number that called for anyone reading this that may be seeking info on investigating their spouse.
> 
> As for the OP's sitch, the "angry and deleting calls" is pretty incriminating, to the point I would consider it an admission of guilt.


I don't think most people know how to do that. It's highly unlikely that is the case, but thanks for explaining.

I agree that I would consider it an admission of guilt. If he isn't making these calls or is getting strange calls, he would have mentioned it rather than going into a defensive mode.


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## jane jasmine (Dec 29, 2019)

Did you try just sitting your husband down and facing him with the facts?

Tell him you're not jealous or frantic, all that you want is that he explains the unknown numbers and tell you if he still has any love left for you.

Face him with the fact, that you don't have time to research where those numbers are from or who do they belong to. So if he has any respect for you left, he better tell you the truth because eventually if he's doing something wrong you will get to the truth, and it's going to be worse if you find out, than if he tells you himself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He hasn't helped his own case, has he?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

jane jasmine said:


> Did you try just sitting your husband down and facing him with the facts?
> 
> Tell him you're not jealous or frantic, all that you want is that he explains the unknown numbers and tell you if he still has any love left for you.
> 
> Face him with the fact, that you don't have time to research where those numbers are from or who do they belong to. So if he has any respect for you left, he better tell you the truth because eventually if he's doing something wrong you will get to the truth, and it's going to be worse if you find out, than if he tells you himself.


As you spend more time here you will learn that this doesnt work. Cheaters are entitled, and they dont owe you anything. And they will NOT tell you the truth, as they dont respect you.
You are expecting decent behaviour from people who are not. Sad but true.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry your husband is being selfish, deceitful, entitled, manipulative and immature when you inquire about the calls/texts, use of KIK (a well known cheaters app), and stonewalling by not giving you access to his phone. He shows no empathy relating to what his actions have on his wife. 

Every spouse as a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your husband has failed.

Your husband's behavior has severely damaged your trust in him. He broke this and it's 100% his job to fix it (no excuses or attacks on you).

His 'texting' is not harmless. Among other things, texting triggers the same chemical in the brain as drugs - and it quickly becomes addictive. btw: it also tends to very quickly escalate to face to face meetings. 

What that means to you is that he's not going to stop (as you already found out) because you: ask nicely or try to nice or guilt him into stopping. 

You don't need more evidence. This isn't a court of law. And he can go underground (KIK) and make it virtually impossible to catch him.

He needs to understand that you don't have to catch him for his texting to put his marriage at risk - because he's already put his marriage at risk. His over the top suspicious behavior has put his marriage at risk.

In order for him to take you seriously he needs to believe you will divorce him (even if its a bluff) rather than live with his behavior.

At this point, you're probably afraid of pushing him away. If that's the case, then you've already lost him. 

Inform him that you have zero tolerance for his texting and will not share him with other women. 
The next time he turns it around on you say: "I'm sorry you feel that way but I will not share my husband with other women." And just keep repeating that response to everything excuse he gives.

Let him know you're going to talk to an attorney about how divorce will impact you (the first hour is often free).

Consider providing him with immediate consequences for his behavior and refusal to hand over the phone: don't clean or cook for him, don't sleep with him, tell his pastor and/or parents.

Finally, he sounds like he's used to bullying and shouting over you. Consider writing him a letter stating how his behavior makes you feel and what you're going to do about it. That gives him time to think about it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

mandmsmom said:


> I don't have solid proof because I confronted him to soon and now everything is deleted and he won't let me restore his phone or give me his icloud password to reset the phone.


If my wife thought I was cheating, and I was not. my position would be to do everything possible to demonstrate my trustworthiness. I would want to make sure that the "solid proof" my wife received would clearly show my fidelity.

I want her to know that I can be trusted. I want her to know that I'm a man of my word, and take my marital vows quite seriously. This is the kind of woman I want to be married to, and it is the kind of man I want my wife to be married to.



Robert22205 said:


> Consider providing him with immediate consequences for his behavior and refusal to hand over the phone: don't clean or cook for him, don't sleep with him, tell his pastor and/or parents.


Exactly. Bring his evil deeds to the light.



Robert22205 said:


> Let him know you're going to talk to an attorney about how divorce will impact you (the first hour is often free).


I would let him know that you HAVE talked to an attorney, and know how divorce will impact you, and how it will impact him.



alte Dame said:


> Dump a cheater and gain a life. That's the camp I'm in.


When I was cheated on, unfortunately, I wasn't in this camp. I ate the $hit $andwich. Nevermore.... ain't gonna happen. From the time I figure it out, it will be "file". There will be no pastors, no counselors, no advisers, no self-help books, and no "proof" needed. Just GONE.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jane jasmine said:


> Did you try just sitting your husband down and facing him with the facts?
> 
> Tell him you're not jealous or frantic, all that you want is that he explains the unknown numbers and tell you if he still has any love left for you.
> 
> Face him with the fact, that you don't have time to research where those numbers are from or who do they belong to. So if he has any respect for you left, he better tell you the truth because eventually if he's doing something wrong you will get to the truth, and it's going to be worse if you find out, than if he tells you himself.


 The guy is a complete piece of wet garbage.

She has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than she does of this POS being honest with her.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

mandmsmom said:


> They were texts and calls he made. I am pretty positive he is cheating. He was secretly using KIK. I don't have solid proof because I confronted him to soon and now everything is deleted and he won't let me restore his phone or give me his icloud password to reset the phone.


Maybe give them to a PI and let them figure it out for you...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Or maybe call a couple of the numbers, see who it is that way.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jane jasmine said:


> Did you try just sitting your husband down and facing him with the facts?
> 
> Tell him you're not jealous or frantic, all that you want is that he explains the unknown numbers and tell you if he still has any love left for you.
> 
> Face him with the fact, that you don't have time to research where those numbers are from or who do they belong to. So if he has any respect for you left, he better tell you the truth because eventually if he's doing something wrong you will get to the truth, and it's going to be worse if you find out, than if he tells you himself.


I think that Jane has a point and some of the responses have been a little harsh, in one respect.

First the OP really needs to figure out what she means by "cheating" and if if is worthy of divorce.

Let me explain, for some people "cheating if it just involves "talk" may mean that the marriage can be salvaged. This is up to the OP to figure out. What we know is that she has found suspicious phone records. They could be to an old girlfriend a sex phone line operator or a host of things that would involve an emotional betrayal of the marriage vows. Phone records from far away, might not involve any physical cheating or endangerment via STI's. The OP really needs to figure out her boundaries.

Once she has figured out her boundaries, I would suggest she relay them to her H along with her asking him what if anything he is willing to do to rebuild her faith in him and his commitment to her.

So yes talk to him, explain what you know, what you will not abide by, what you fear and ask him what he is willing to do to prove he is worthy of your trust.

Good luck.


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