# anyone else having a hard time with holidays?



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

It's been a while since i posted anything. I needed a break anyways, my post just become redundant after a while.

I was doing well, in september I had started talking to stbx a bit, and then it all went sour again from him and we ended the communication. (long story)

I got through thanksgiving, I threw myself into making a giant dinner intended for 18 people, only 12-13 showed tho, which was fine. It was a good night.

Black Friday shopping is when I really sunk. Everything I saw reminded me of him. Everything I would have bought, how special christmas once was between the two of us. I get off on christmas. I LOVE it. I love making people feel special, giving gifts, and the overall magic and love of the holiday. 

It just kills me. He once told me that I showed him what christmas was actually about..Last year was so bad I refused to take the day off, didn't decorate, didn't buy presents, and hid the entire season behind a bottle or a coma. the previous year, we fought so badly over the tree I ended up leaving the house in tears because I couldn't bear being brought to that point over my favorite time of year..christmas is when I come to life.

Last year I was an alcoholic lazy dirty C word, the year before i was walking around town in a snow storm freezing and crying. And yet I still find myself missing the guy, and wishing I could have back my husband for christmas. ugh. 

I know it'll go well, things will be fine. It's just a looming dark cloud that doesn't seem to dissipate. weird. Last year I knew it was our last holiday season together and now, a year later, I'm almost devastated by it.

Happy Holidays?


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

you are not missing him, you are missing the security of him being there.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I realize that it's of little comfort for you, but you are most definitely not alone. This has not been the holiday season it was for me in the past. Not only is the spectre of Christmas looming ever so low for me, but I am facing our 24th anniversary tomorrow, alone. My own, personal version of "black friday". The better part of the week was spent alternating between despair and defiance. (Side note- not a good time for me to quit smoking!) On the brighter side, I will be spending Christmas with my son, daughter in law, daughter, mom and those that truly love and care about me. STBXH is in another state and alone save for my daughter's dog that he hijacked and his "playmate". I know that it's not in the spirit of the season to do so but I am taking a certain amount of satisfaction in that fact.
Somehow we wil all get through it, although I wish I could do so with more grace and dignity than what I have currently mustered up.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

justwhy said:


> you are not missing him, you are missing the security of him being there.


Maybe. But I have found myself sincerely lamenting the loss of the person I married. I don't miss the person I left, and I don't want to go back to what I left or even who he turned into after the split..but at one point, there was an amazing person there and we shared everything and that, is what I miss. My best friend.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are grieving the good parts of your marriage. 

In a way, I am having a hard time with the holidays. My asks me what I want for Christmas, I tell her "nothing". Since me EA, I don't feel that it's right for me to get gifts, when you look at the fact that there has been pretty much no punishment for me other than what I have applied to myself.

She used to shop like crazy on Black Friday. But not this year. Her shopping has pretty much stopped all together. She said that she's trying to save money. She hasn't said it, but I think it's because she knows that I'm thinking about divorce. The OW is long gone, so please don't go there.

I also have a hard time shopping for her for two reasons - it would feel like I'm trying to buy her off, and who wants to receive a gift from a cheating husband who has fallen out of love with you?

I have to work hard to make sure I don't ruin Christmas. I was able to do it on Thanksgiving. So a repeat performance is needed.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

I'm having a seriously hard time with this as well. My wife and I have been separated for almost 9 weeks at this point, and with Christmas looming I just can't get out of the funk. I'm happy and feeling better about myself, but at the same time I'm dreading the idea of a Christmas without her. For twelve years we haven't spent a Christmas without each other. I'm having a hard time accepting that my two little girls won't be there opening presents with their mom and dad together on Christmas morning either. I need to get a tree and put it up and decorate the house, if only for my daughters, but at the same time I'm having a hard time finding the drive to do it. It doesn't mean nearly as much to me anymore. Christmas was always my wife and the kids and I sitting around drinking hot chocolate and decorating the tree together. Laughing when someone dropped an ornament and it broke on the wood floor because there's hundreds more in the box lol. All the good memories... 

It's a tough time of the year to go through something like this. I almost can't help but think that the Christmas holiday has got to be pulling on my wife's heart strings too. All we can do is keep our heads up and keep on moving forward. Hard to do, I know, but have to do it! No other options!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

TroubldHusband said:


> I'm having a seriously hard time with this as well. My wife and I have been separated for almost 9 weeks at this point, and with Christmas looming I just can't get out of the funk. I'm happy and feeling better about myself, but at the same time I'm dreading the idea of a Christmas without her. For twelve years we haven't spent a Christmas without each other. I'm having a hard time accepting that my two little girls won't be there opening presents with their mom and dad together on Christmas morning either. I need to get a tree and put it up and decorate the house, if only for my daughters, but at the same time I'm having a hard time finding the drive to do it. It doesn't mean nearly as much to me anymore. Christmas was always my wife and the kids and I sitting around drinking hot chocolate and decorating the tree together. Laughing when someone dropped an ornament and it broke on the wood floor because there's hundreds more in the box lol. All the good memories...
> 
> It's a tough time of the year to go through something like this. I almost can't help but think that the Christmas holiday has got to be pulling on my wife's heart strings too. All we can do is keep our heads up and keep on moving forward. Hard to do, I know, but have to do it! No other options!


Keep pushing on. Get the tree up for the girls, that should be your focus. Give them the best Christmas they can have.

We have boxes of Christmas stuff, so I put up one small tree just to have something here.

This time of year has got to make things worse for those of us suffering. So I go to the indoor golf dome just to have something to do and of course they have the Christmas Music station on and here is Elvis singing, It'll be a blue Christmas with out you. I never hit a golfball so hard! Good medicine.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Sorry you are grieving the good parts of your marriage.
> 
> In a way, I am having a hard time with the holidays. My asks me what I want for Christmas, I tell her "nothing". Since me EA, I don't feel that it's right for me to get gifts, when you look at the fact that there has been pretty much no punishment for me other than what I have applied to myself.
> 
> ...


If it's a performance, it's already ruined. That's why I didn't even attempt a fake it last year, I knew it was dead and I told everyone including my ex that I had nothing to celebrate and would not be having christmas. He only heard me when it meant I wasn't going to go about buying his family gifts.(which was a week before christmas)

honestly, reading your post killed me. 

TroubledHusband, soak yourself into your children. I am so thankful for my friend and her 3yr old son moving in when they did (despite the unfortunate circumstances around it) because while I don't have much of a minute to think of anything with a kid around, He reminds me and brings back so much of what the magic is that I love so much. I sincerely cannot wait to see him open all his christmas presents this year. And that's what I've been focusing on.

Decorating was hard today for me too. It's not my house, they weren't my decorations and it was just me trying to make christmas for the rest of them. But, I did it. Most of it. because it's the season of giving, not the season of wallowing even if it's a fight.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

I am having such a HORRIBLE time thinking about the holidays and I am so happy you brought this subject up. It will be my first without my STBXH and it's very scary and sad for me. I too am grieving the good times, so I know how you feel. 

No tree or decorations this year. My STBXH took all to his house and I can't get them. Bastard!

For me, this has always been a rough time of the year (dad killed himself right before Christmas when I was 13). I've spent other years anesthetizing or faking the joy, but this year I won't. I'm thinking of finding a senior center or shelter for abused woman where me and my teenage son can donate our time, perhaps serve Christmas dinner.

I know it's hard, but am trying to take the high road. It really sucks though, doesn't it?


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you, OP 

Christmas was horrible for me for many, many years. The only reason I celebrated at all was for my daughter. If I didn't have her, I would have just skipped it for about 7 years.

I hope you find some peace...


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you, OP
> 
> Christmas was horrible for me for many, many years. The only reason I celebrated at all was for my daughter. If I didn't have her, I would have just skipped it for about 7 years.
> 
> I hope you find some peace...


I hear you on that! If it weren't for my two daughters I probably would skip it at this point as well. Like I said hard to find the drive to do things all by myself when for so many years it was a family thing.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

It is getting very hard for me, last year on December 23rd is when my H of 28 years told me he wanted a divorce. needless to say, last year was a blur, I barely remember being at any of the holidays. This year we are discussing how to share our sons for the celebrations. My sons, 22 and 24 are going to help me get my tree on Sunday. My H asked me last week if he could come. He wants to come to my sister's house for Christmas eve. Come to our home on Christmas morning. Now, on top of not being together as husband and wife, I have to try to figure out how to get through the holidays with him and without him. SOOO freaking lonely.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

yup, difficult.

I am not celebrating like I did last year and there were signs that things weren't going right last year: a cutting board for Xmas and a bottle of perfume (to soften the blow)? LOL

I have no young children but how I choose to spend Christmas is entirely up to me and not my feelings. 

I am thinking of going away for a week, I haven't been away for a long, long time, before my 2 years of continued schooling for BS beings in Jan 2012.

It's only this holiday, another day to do something nice for somebody else or myself or both. I do have choices.


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## rightallalong (Dec 6, 2011)

yes while I don't think theres ever a good time for marriage breakdowns, some times are definitely worse than others and christmas must surely be one of the worst times and that music in the shops !!!!AAAHHHH too much, I go in shop to buy milk and come out feeling suicidal who thinks of these things


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

rightallalong said:


> yes while I don't think theres ever a good time for marriage breakdowns, some times are definitely worse than others and christmas must surely be one of the worst times and that music in the shops !!!!AAAHHHH too much, I go in shop to buy milk and come out feeling suicidal who thinks of these things


I love christmas, above what most people do..and christmas music makes me homicidal I cannot stand it! every single thing else is great about christmas its just that music drives me insane >.<


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I already hated Christmas. I hate it even more now. When I found out it was after Christmas but I saw one email from her on the 24th saying "merry christmas babe".

Christmas has always been painful for me (my family was a dysfunctional family, long story with many bad memories). I hate Christmas, if I could I'd pull a Kranks move and cancel it altogether...but with kids I pretty much have to grit my teeth, throw on a fake smile and bear it.

I get really, really depressed around this time of year. I don't even leave my tree up past New Years Day. I don't even put it up until about 10 to 14 days before Christmas. I can't bear anymore than that. It's worse this year because I have those thoughts running around my head that last year I was the stupid house wife that didn't even know that her so called "husband" was screwing around on her behind her back...

You know...all holidays and birthdays suck now. On my birthday I triggered because it was "what was he doing with her on my birthday" Or my anniversary, or the kids birthdays, Easter will never be the same because of his trickle truth crap and finding the jerk off vids on his old cell phone on Easter Sunday (by accident no less, was grabbing the SD card to transfer things from computer to computer)...He's basically ruined every holiday and special day for me for a long long time.

I think I still have some resentment issues....


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

CantePe said:


> I think I still have some resentment issues....


No...whay would you say that? Joking and not to make light of it. This is a tough time of the year for those of us dealing with these type of situations. Christmas was always my favorite holiday, but this year will be like none other. A true challenge for me. 

Thanksgiving was a good trial holiday. Fortunately my family is very supportive and looking out for me.

I wish you the best. Take care!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

This is me said:


> No...whay would you say that? Joking and not to make light of it. This is a tough time of the year for those of us dealing with these type of situations. Christmas was always my favorite holiday, but this year will be like none other. A true challenge for me.
> 
> Thanksgiving was a good trial holiday. Fortunately my family is very supportive and looking out for me.
> 
> I wish you the best. Take care!


*lol* I try to be humorous of it myself (to myself, not out loud, that would build resentment on his part of course, I'm not that cruel though some days I wish to be).

As the saying goes "This too shall pass" and "I'll live"

This too shall pass has slowly become a hardcore mantra of mine. *sigh*


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I think I've started to perk up. 

This past week I've had a lot of negative things happen to me, and people I know thanks to the stbx. Some more personal to me and some directly affecting people I consider close friends. (I'm still working through the it is ok to have mutual friends part with them, since he doesn't want to share them) 

But the few things that did happen, one of which was in my place of employment and i couldn't escape the situation..really reset my mind set.

Thank santa for that. What was there, no longer is, and with the amount of drugs and highschool kids he's doing and hanging out with, I absolutely need no part of that, and do not fit into his "new" life.

I still think that all I would like to see happen for Christmas is for him to sober up and do something for himself. But, as long as the resident 3yr old who lives here has a good holiday, I think I'll be alright I hope.


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