# Need to talk!!



## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Husband mentioned divorce again !!
11 years of knowing each other!!
Married for 9.
Lived together in the beginning,separated for 4 and half years,did not get divorced on my insistence.(neither of us saw anybody esle).Though he did mention he was not affected by the separation and is back on my insistence.Stayed together for 2 and half years.
Same reasons repeated because of which we sperataed earlier,me being short tempered,possessive etc.
Though have apologized and have let him know that I do not believe in separation but he wouldnot listen.
Last time we spoke he was very anger(understandable as because of the very bad last quarrel we had).
But after that he is totally aloof,i have left home,he does not reply to my emails and is rude on calls.
Have been on no contact for the last 3 weeks(occasional mail to know what he is thinking,no repliy);created an alternative id to send him good emails,he responded to that thanking and thinking it to be some other friend or i do not know.
The thought that separation is not the solution makes me still and I am motivating myself and have started pursuing my goals;but the thought that again if I will have to wait an eternity without him replying sounds repulsive to me now.
He would not agree to see our individual mistakes and start afresh.My parents are troubled and sad for me.Though I bring them happiness when they see ,I have stuck to my new routine and life;
yet something sad comes around and sometimes I become desperate;but do not feel like calling him to hear his reluctant voice.
I feel sad today,ver sad today and hence posted this.


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## marie122 (Jul 5, 2012)

I can so feel your pain and frustrations. I am facing the same issues in my marriage, he wants out and I'm trying to hold on to every bit of him I can. Sadly I have no advice since I cant seem to find my way out of my own situation. I just know that we are not alone, that crying and bursts of hopelessness come with it. The thought of a future without him depresses me to my core and never in my life have I faced such heartache and emptiness. The rational side says life will go on for us, it has to. For the first time in my life I feel I have no control over what happens to me and the world is a blur. Guess we have to keep pushing to make every day count. I dont cry 24/7 anymore...now its just occassionally...like now when your post hit so close to home. I am sorry you are hurting....sorry I dont have a solution to make it go away. Just know that there are people who love you, friends, family and through their support you will be ok


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Thanks for yur kind words.
I wish you good in future too.
For the present,I do not know where life is taking me again.Yes, me too have stoopped ,crying,am not bothering him also.Just trying to have a clear mind.But sometimes it is unbearable,do not why does this happen!!Why just cannot life be simple ,like we say sorry and things be good again,the same way we were kids....As grown ups,life really is sad !!!


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

His family supports him;and were always insisting and telling him that why was he in this 'rut' (our marraige-because of the quarrels).And the last quarrel,brought the family into picture.

I do not know ,why he doesnot even reply back to emails also.Does replying back to emails has any legal aspect or what.Thats stupid,I feel...do not know what;
was thinking if he wants to go NC for a year ,of separation and then file a divorce(as thats the rule,1 year of separation and then file divorce here);all this is eating me;
I have to move ahead with determination,forget about him totally perhaps;I do not know what????


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Today am just feeling so sad and desperate.It is really bad.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Any children? If not what is holding you together? Half your marriage you been separated. Don't you want and need to be loved? Aren't you exhausted by the merry go round that is your marriage? Life's too short to be living this way!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

No children!! We were planning now.
There are couples without any child ,and they stuch to each other.

Yes I do agree,my marraige till date has been like a merry-go-round and nothing else.

Still having known him since college,since so many ups and downs,meeting again after 4 and half years which generally does never happen,and then to see the same things;relation is not something replaceable;that is what making me stick to it the way I am;its like as if in a dream....
I want to come out of it, not able to ;really.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I would put children on hold. You both need to be in MC. Adding children right now will just further complicate things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Yes the plan to have a child was before all this happened finally; now he is lie what I have posted;No replies nothing; as if I never existed.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

I have apologized enough for being the way I was since college days,for quarrelling,for being possessive,for being insecure;took all those as lack in my personality ;at the same time also asked him to see his negligence towards me ;after I have cme to my parents,he wont talk to me,no replies,nothing;am clueless;why wont he talk;this is no way to deal;he is well aware how desperate I have been;also it has been an ordeal of 11 years;am trying to move on but not bale to;sometimes i wake up midnight;i keep dreaming about him;though have not spoken to him for 2 weeks now,sent him emails but no reply.it is as if i am in some kind of dream,2 months back we were together,fight ,no fight but together and today he is nomore a part of my life;;;;it was after much difficulty i had lifted myself the last time i separated for him for 4 years;but reconciling again and again this in 2 and half years is too much I able to handle.somedays i curse him,somedays i loathe myself for being the short tempered person I am;but am not abl to get over this nightmare.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

sometimes i feel like trash,sometimes i feel sorry for him for the way short tempered i was,not able to come out;
every day,I have him subconciously in my dreams;and morning i starts witha depression and it lingers further.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

OK, sounds to me like your husband is gong through some issues himself. Leave him lone for a while and commit to a planned NC period of at least three months. By then the dust should be settled and you can talk to him without trying to control the situation and force him back.

Also what ws he like before he left? Ws he depressed or distant months and months ago?


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Not distant but frequent quarrels;but then at the same time we used to out for movies,eating,talk about solving issues,buying house and having a baby also.when i needed to go to doctor he was there.
There was a bad quarrel in front of a my sister which led t hiis family also being involved;i left home for my parent's palce ;he doesnot wnat me back;he says we were not good together;i aplogozied for my anger not taht myanger was baseless;also because i needed some counselling (individual) which I did not understand nor was he able to understand;he doesnot talk about all that; he said that he had given me the option for MC once before;now he gets irritated at the sound of me asking us to see our individual issues and not treat us like there was nothing;
stopped contacting him,was not able to take his anger,morethan that he showing that he doesnot want to be with me(anger is ok,that would be understandable)but wanting dovorce me again brought the same fear and pshycology i went through 7 years back before our 4 and half years long separation;then also the reasns were same;me quarreling and us not being good enough for each othetr;
I stopped contacting him hene,feeling that will pull me down further metally, i sent him emails,no reply,nothing;
I wonder if he us trying to show that he has got nothing to do with me anymore;but i am not a piece of crap ;

when we fought he was also abusive;and he knows i ahve issue with my temper ,i never got support for that;he knows mmy fear what i went in the past;but still no repsonse from him makes me feel drained, out of energy.It has been 3 weeks since i called him but sent him 4 mails in between.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

i told him, I am seeking help online for my behaviour;he was not receptive;i asked him to consider he might be depressed;he said he didnot care ;he just want to be out of this;i asked if hee is in love with somebody else;then i have right to know;he said this is the basic issue ,i still am not able to trust him;
I have issues trusting him but i was trying my best to get over thyem;this cannot be imposed,this happens with time;if he lied to me about something ,it will take me time to get over it,and on top of it ,i feel i am begging the same i did 7 years back;i sometimes feel,hy am i begging again and again,if he ever feels anything for me,he can ask for me one ,without letting his ego come in between;he says i am devoid of self respect to go after him;
I got irritated and said where was the self -respect stuff when he was touching my body if he did not consider me to be his wife;did he think i am a prostitute to pe slept with for a few years and then left;

if he has issues with my anegr i will do anything for him, he needs to have faith and give me chance, if he constantly mkes me feel we are not good enough and our quarrels and basically I,my temper,my insecure nature(forgeting his lapses and his negligence);then how do i improve for a better human being and then a good companion;
this time i feel i will not be able to take it;
family says ,gear up energy;but i am not able to muster the courage;do not what is so wrong about me;i sometimes really feel, i spineless, worth no good,should be treated like a trash;
i really feel guilty for shouting at him but i sadi i am sorry and said we were like friends,atleast he was the one with whom i could be whatever way i wanted;but i will change if that is not the way it should be;but now I do not want to call him and he wont reply to my emails;his family said why is he in a 'rut'(our marraige because of quarrels);he takes support from his family just for separatin g from me;nothing else would he let them know ,be it drinking,smoking weeds, or be with bastard friends;
He thinks i do not love him,should i hang myself; what the bloody hell islove; what about the bloody 11 years of my life;19 to 29, ;
sometimes i want to forget everything , bepeaceful,dedicate my entire life to service and never think about him,and take it as something nature wanted me to see,not able to do...anyboddy please help,,,am such a weakling......especially the guilt at having cause him,his family and my family the pain and my desire to bbe with him is killing me;;;;;;i feel depressed for the last 3 or 4 days ...


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

*worst of all*

I do not want my family to interfere in anything anymore now;yesterday I heard them talking,that H was afraid of legal proceedings but I wanted them to quit this crap;they seem totally not uderstadning;to them in their anger they just want him pun ished;

Also another crappy thing my H did , I am remined of is sharing my first apology mail along with his indignations mentioned in it to his parents.BABY BOY;shouls have remained in mama's life beforemarrying me and wasting my 11 years of life........

Still no replies from his end;

am thinking of rsuming my studies ,forget him for once and all;;he never loved,doubted always whether i had any affection for him,and I kept feeling like trash and a mad woman......

what the hell he just cannot reply to one email;;;;;;;;;I should ahve thought beofre cooking for this baby boy;


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

See that's the problem. You absolutely CAN NOT convince him to return to you or even pick up the phone no matter what you do. He's convinced himself you're the cause of all his problems and low self esteem so he's avoiding you at all costs. He's saying to himself "I'm a big baby who can't take responsibility and improve my own life.". 

Look you just can't change his mind by force. The only way you can change his mind is by not needing him and ignoring him at all costs. This will reall piss him off at first but he will respect you for not wanting him when he doesn't want you. 

Maybe after a few months of NC you can talk again but keep things light and happy, and always brief. Any talk about the problems from before and what you think HE SHOULD DO will blow your chances and set you back even further. Ignore that part of you that wants to tell him all his problems and just focus on enjoying what little pleasant converation you can get when you get it.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

yes you are right!!
Meanwhile I was thinking, how come anybody has the right to repeatedly decide about my life, we quarrel but he seeks divorce and my life is different,again WE quarrel and he decides and my life is different.Just that there is nothing new today or was 7 years back.
I have to focus on myself and get myself back.

Thanks for hearing me out.Looking forward to hear more.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

He wants no contact ,divorce bla bla,,for quarrels.Is it wrong on my part to go absolutely NC and if he has to come back let him contact me;else if he does not,then when I am mentally stro g enough,however long i take,I will just call and say I am ok with what he wants(as it will be evident y then ,he wants nothing for us together anymore).
I basically wanted to ask,is it not right if I just go total NC because I get totallt drained by our conversation(all negative);I mean if I do not contact him in say 3 months time wpuld it imply,I am giving up and accepting his nonsense.What do you feel.
It is birthday on 21 st december.I do not want to contact if I feel I am not emotionally strong.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Because, honestly...... he's blaming you for his problems and foolishly believes if he dumps you life ill amazingly get better. Fat freakin cance! Divorced men are more likely to commit suicide, develop alcohol and drug problems, gain weight, have sexual disfunctions, and marry even worse partners. And that isn't even taking into account if he's having an affair. If that's the case you can add buckets of misery and guilt over giving up a woman who would d back flips to get his sorry ass back (sorry, not to insult you there hun). 

I've seen several people leave their marriages for affairs or the affair of a better life and every single one ended up alone and miseable because they couldn't larn to swallow a little pride in marriage and get off their freaken high horse.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Hey, thanks man!! Keep posting .It helps when am able to vent my anger.

But the truth is do not wish anybody any bad !!!Life is too short.Just want to be happy,guilty free again and see life the way it really is.
Just that now is too tough,am human not saint ;
Thanks again.Let see if I find my right way.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

One classic incident of him being mad at me;
His family supports the victim H from the villain ME; I let them know that I am not going to accpet the 'quarrelsome villain' status this time and they ,the caring family ,better take care of their baby boy when am not there and he resorts to enjoying weed smoking,drinking to death back with his "BSTDS FRIENDS".
The last convo we had, he was mad and blaming me that I was trying to 'PORTRAY MYSELF AS HIS SAVIOUR'; I almost failed to remind him that he better stop portarying me as a mad woman first in his mind and then outside.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Sorry not villain ,am the Vamp


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Guess,nobody would have anyhting to say on my issue,there is nothing much can be done;
Let me start calling the so called husband my ex-H already.
I am done with the BEGGING,being the NICE woman,
being the VAMP and owning up my bad impulsive nature,cursing my LIFE,feeling PITY for the BABY BOY(the H),feelinf pity for my FAMILY;

In the end ,I have my 11 years of line in the drain and the experience of being treted like trash and thrown away with the extra quailification of being short-tempered,impulsive and mad;

All nonsense,lest anyvody repleis ,I am going to vent on my own till all that is inside me goes away;


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

I was never bad,never abnormal, I treated him like my own,,and that piece of **** did not treat me like one but just as an object to fulfill his fantasy and then in reality treat me like some commodity.
I feel like strangling him, this is kind of hatred ,I get(Yes whn i am not in my saintly mood,MAY GOOD COME TO ALL,MAY ALL BE forgiven bla,bla...and things like with anger and esentment I will not HEAL).

What is there to heal.
My husband for 9 years has lived separately formore than 5 years.He thinks he can bully me into separation and make me cry ;for what is it that I have done(QUARRELED with him);
I should ahve beaten him black and blue and called the p;olice if I knew his real true colurs; or would have gpt admitted the baby boy into some menatlly retarted hospital for he knows how to ahve **** but in other thigs hhe is a baby bastard.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Have been so angry myself,but rang him aftre 3 weeks suddenly now.He cut the phone.He does not even want to talk now.
I just felt like talking to him suddenly.last 5 days have been so sad.

Am not able to take all this.Want to come out of it but do not know how.Perhaps it is my guilt over quarreling and hurting that makes me linger so much;irrespective of howmuch he has hurt and insulted me;

I wish I would happy and carefree from this moment and everything becomes fine for all, no pain,no nonsnse;is it possible???


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

I called my H again in 3 weeks.He seemed reluctant to speak but I asked him not to de defensive or offensive;
I accepted that I can make out he is determined to go for a divorce and said that I wil agree to it if this is what he wants;
I wanted to make a few points to him;about the things I did wrong;I let him know I was sorry for a certain things ;may be that point of time I did not tell him but yesterday I apologized for my behaviour.
For whenever I was shouting or fould mouthed etc.
He seemed a bit defensive when it came to something related to him;I said I was just concerned about aplogizing for certain things I did and its u to him to see what he has done or not;
I asked him to think with a clear mind and in the end he still thinks that we should get divored then it is ok for me;meanwhile ,I said I did not want to live with grudge and anger all my life;hence tod him whatever I had to ;wished him a good life;said you are one like my brother and sisiter;
he is irritated about me asking that whether there ws somebody else;he said I never trusted him;I couldnot say much ,infact anything;I should have told him,I am human and and if he treats me in this manner ,then naturally I will ahve many thoughts coming up in my mind;


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

So now ,from today it is a new life for me;not at all going to the back.seeing the present situation;I do not see him willing to re-concile.Also ,am not looking forward to go back with so much begging etc.....it has to be mutual;he is getting what he wants;he does not want me ;so be it;I hav eto pave my way now.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Honey, let me be the first to tell you if you were married for nine years and he separated from you five yeas ago..... That was when your marriage ended. He may have said he needed space but really he was looking for excuses to be unhappy in his marriage and leave you. This is the common action of an immature spouse btw.

You CAN NOT control him or get him to tell you why he wants a divorce unless you want to get into another fight. FOLLOW THE 180!!!!! And just tell him you agree with everything and want the divorce to be final as soon as possible...... then start NO COTACT. Get it? You tell him what he wants to hear and then STOP CHASING HIM or ARGUING OVER STUPID SH!T.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

:iagree:

Today is the start of a new life.Wish me luck and pray for me as well.:smthumbup:


Now is total NC may be for a lifetime!!Yesterday did ,what I had to do.

I will post again when I feel sat and am not able to share with my family.

Thanks for listening.

(Another thing we know each other for 11 years,when i was 19, we married at 21,statyed together for 1 year and then separated for 5 years,got back again and were living together for the last 2 and half years). Perhaps my post was too long that you did not understand ,we have been seprated a second tome for just 1 and half months now.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Nsweet,What you have said about the NC and giving him whats he wants ,soes it still stay true,now that you know the second time we have separated is just 1 and half months back.???????


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

He's having an affair from the looks of it. 

Something just doesn't sit right with me. I mean if you rugswept a lot of things and he "up and left" you and now refuses to tell you why and get's defensive about being faithful. Ok, I call bullsh!t on him. Only the guilty get defensive. The innocent get offensive and want to work out what happened without trying to sell the lie to you. 

But know this.... an affair is just a coping mechanism for an immature person who is unhappy with their marriage. He wants someone to kiss his ass and tell him deserves to be treated better by some sl*t only after who he's pretendng to be. If you want that affair to stop and have the option to reconcile you're going to need to leave him alone and act happy about this divorce. Because having you act up and be his crazy b!tch (his words not mine) of a housewife is the only excuse he has to tell the OW. Let them get sick of each other alone and let yourself find that you don't need him. You don't need a husband to be happy.

Sure at first divorce when your husband returns home only to leave you out of the blue is like losing a leg to gangrene. You hoped and you prayed treatment would work but ther you wake up and find the doctors have lopped it off in order to SAE YOUR LIFE and there's no getting it back. But six months into treatment you realze it isn't that bad and you feel better not carrying around a lump of diseased tissue. Plus you finally get it. You can replace the old one with something just as good if not better or hop around all you like. And then you meet someone else whose lost their leg and you get to share a crutch or indian wresle between th sheets. 

At least that's how I see divorce from an assh*le, like losing a leg to disease and gaining an unfair advantage over those who have never lost a thing.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

lukkhi said:


> Nsweet,What you have said about the NC and giving him whats he wants ,soes it still stay true,now that you know the second time we have separated is just 1 and half months back.???????


Of course! You're not agreeing with him because you like what his proposal is. You're agreeing to shut him up and take away his ammo in an unfair fight. He won't like it at first so be prepared to have him try to rope you into another argument until he feels satisfied, but all you have to do if that happens is go NC or stand up to him and tell him "we will talk about this when you've had time to cool off". 

Just say something like "You're right, we weren't meant to be. No hard feelings these things happen." Then watch him go "WTF!? You're not supposed to like this" and then start chasing you a little.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Thanks for hearing.
I am going to mind my life!!
I know, I need not a husband or anybody to be happy;have to implement it first hand in my life.
I have also said sorry to him for all my faults and wished him good in life.
So I think,thats it,nothing more to my story;
its me and how I am moving ahead in life.

I can well read your words of despise over my rugsweeping etc;I was just guilty of having caused him pain that is why he is into all this mess;I was guilty that had I been good enough,may be we would be together still;the guilt makes me behave the way I have done;may that is why my behaviour was like this;
Whats gone is gone,I have given him ,what he wants;

Thank you again!


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Of course! You're not agreeing with him because you like what his proposal is. You're agreeing to shut him up and take away his ammo in an unfair fight. He won't like it at first so be prepared to have him try to rope you into another argument until he feels satisfied, but all you have to do if that happens is go NC or stand up to him and tell him "we will talk about this when you've had time to cool off".
> 
> Just say something like "You're right, we weren't meant to be. No hard feelings these things happen." Then watch him go "WTF!? You're not supposed to like this" and then start chasing you a little.


Did not used the exact words like you said;but did tell him that ,"yes we were leading a vary sad life;that am moving ahead with my life;that id not agree to a divore but if that is what he wants ,you will have it";
Though was all stupid,and weepy voiced;; me am an idiot......nomore...you know what Nsweet,am not going to do any 180 or NC for him,I am doing this for me now.I really want to be out of this mess.
I have given him waht he wants,;'I told him ,if he still wants a divrce the to email me and we shall go ahead with the proceedings';that was it.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

He called today finally and asked for a divorce.
I said Yes.Finally feelin so low, 11 years ordeal coming to an ordeal.He just had no feelings.I did not fight.All time low!!!!


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

He was cold ad called to ask me to discuss the divorce proceedings and whether I was ok for a mutual divorce(no alimony and all); I said yes,I did not wnat to talk about anything;I said send me the papers ,I will sign it;
Here there is perhaps 6 months of waiting time before the hearing in court; I do not think I will be strong enough to see him agauin in court.
As longas he sends the paer here,I will sign it;

For me nothing seems to work, no NC .no 180;

I wonder if I will be abke to come out of this;


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Put in your mind good riddance to bad rubbish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

yes !!


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

Please DO NOT just sign those papers. Go to a lawyer, any divorce lawyer and just ask them to have a look for you. It won't cost too much, you're not hiring them fulltime. You need to know what your rights and entitlements are. 

Good luck and God bless.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

I do not want any thing from that piece of crap;what can I get in exchange of the 11 years of wasted life on him.
Though am not working now and studying for an exam,if I do not clear I will resume job from next july;
I am eduacted and earn for myself;he better keep his dirty money to hiself;

But yes sometimes I feel ,that is letting him go in this plain manner good when he treated me like trash;I get the urge to punish him;But for my piece of mind and the good moments we share d to gether; just want it to be over withought any dirt;also there is not any child involved;hence there is not any dependency;


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