# Doing the 180, but still have things that I want to say to her



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I've been doing the 180 for over a month now, and lately I've been thinking of things that I want to say to my STBXW. Some of them I've already said soon after d-day, but want to make sure she understood what I was trying to express, others have occurred to me since I started the 180.

The 180 has been such a great healer for me, had I not done it and filed for divorce, my emotional state would be so much worse. but I think there's a part of me that wants her not to forget the pain she's caused.

Has anyone else had similar feelings?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Write it down. Letters, whateaver. Don't send them her. Ever. Burn them when you feel like it.
It you want to elicit any kind of "healing" response forget about it. It's futile. She just doesn't care. Her actions prove it.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

maincourse99 said:


> I've been doing the 180 for over a month now, and lately I've been thinking of things that I want to say to my STBXW. Some of them I've already said soon after d-day, but want to make sure she understood what I was trying to express, others have occurred to me since I started the 180.
> 
> The 180 has been such a great healer for me, had I not done it and filed for divorce, my emotional state would be so much worse. but I think there's a part of me that wants her not to forget the pain she's caused.
> 
> Has anyone else had similar feelings?


Main, I got really caught up in this cycle. I am not doing the 180 or anything else, I am just done, but every day I have the desire/need to ask him something.

I have been trying really really hard not to ask but CM and DDad opened up a wee tear in me and last night I asked him why he didn't take the suggestions I provided him about how to rebuild after an affair and use them. He said he did use them. He did not. Suffice it to say I had to go for a walk and really use my calming techniques not to fall back into a great sadness.

While I am very pleased I was able to not fall into it all, this almost always is how I wind up feeling trying to get some type of understanding, closure, remorse, <insert anything here> from him. I do not suggest it at all.

What I have been is exactly what Acabado suggested and it really helps oodles. I write it out. Sometimes I email it to myself and put it into a folder that I have for such musings, most of the time I just delete it. It clears me, it helps me sort and it does all that without allowing myself to be kicked by him again. Cannot recommend it enough.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You can't educate a WW. Don't tell her. It won't register. Ever.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Yes, great advice to follow.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> I've been doing the 180 for over a month now, and lately I've been thinking of things that I want to say to my STBXW. Some of them I've already said soon after d-day, but want to make sure she understood what I was trying to express, others have occurred to me since I started the 180.
> 
> The 180 has been such a great healer for me, had I not done it and filed for divorce, my emotional state would be so much worse. but I think there's a part of me that wants her not to forget the pain she's caused.
> 
> Has anyone else had similar feelings?


IMO, your feelings are normal, and discussing the issues you need to discuss will provide closure.

I have filed, and my husband has delayed things hoping to reconcile, and I have had several angry discussions with him about how hurtful his deceitful lying behavior was. 

At first he was all bravado, but in the latest discussions I am starting to see glimmers of real empathy and remorse. 

I get the best response when I complain about something about the affairs and lap dances that hurt me and I ask him .....How would you feel, if I was dating while married to you, or if I were getting lap dances from some young half dressed boy and paying him money from our marital assets, Or how would you feel if I spent our marital assets on some guy I was banging. 

So, I say go for it. Some things need sayin'........., Say them, she needs to face the facts about her sleazebag behavior.


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