# How to move past it



## Tired_and_remorseful (Oct 11, 2013)

About 4 years ago, my husband caught me sexting with a guy. This guy was out of state and I have to this day never met him. I had an on again off again thing with him via text that occurred only when I was drunk and it was also during a horrible point in my life after my mother died and I had 3 stepkids join my home all in one month. I am not justifying my actions with this. I have accepted responsibility, apologized and I feel AWFUL for what I did. He has told me how it made him feel and I really wish I could take back what I did. I would never do that again.

My husband was very distant at the time and didn't notice that it was going on. He has a long history of being abused as a child and does have quite the temper on him. He does not argue constructively and resorts to name calling. Long and short, he has showed a lack of respect for me repeatedly and so have I. We have been together well over ten years and married ten now. We both work and he does not do dishes, vacuum, laundry, clean bathrooms, etc... 

Here's where we are having problems now. He seemed to have gotten over it for a while. About 2-3 months ago he started losing it over it all again. He has been throwing it in my face any chance he can get multiple times a day in the past couple of months. He is calling me names like *****, lowlife, and much worse. I don't know why this sudden resurgence of this suddenly. 

He is calling me names in present tense as if I did this to him yesterday and this is over 4 years old and I have not cheated since. I gave up drinking a year and a half ago to save my marriage because I realize I can be awful and do awful things when I drink. He is firmly standing his ground that I do nothing for him (his words) and that the only reason he is staying is love and history. He is telling me that this is entirely on me to make him want me again. When I try to touch him, kiss him, or cuddle with him he pushes me away and sometimes says nasty things to me about "why would I want to."

About a month ago, a female friend of ours that he has been friends with for 15 years announced to us she is going through a divorce. This is a girl who has told me she used to have a crush on him and even when she was drunk hanging out with us last (3 months ago) visiting our state (she lives out of state) told me "I'm so lucky cause he's so hot." And then she tried to make out with me and she was married. I told her thats not cool to her husband and told her when she sobers up she'll realize that. 

The night before yesterday my husband was acting very weird.. and very wierd all day. He was texting alot and when I would ask him whats up he would tell me about this guy or that, or the occasional text from her talking about the kids going through this, blah blah. Later on when I was getting ignored, he was all smiles, and buried in his phone all day, I checked the bill and found over 207 texts starting with him initiating it at 7am! Him and her texting non-stop, no one else to the tune of 15 texts per hour. He has been taking his phone to the bathroom with him which is out of character, and posting some sexual things on FB that are also out of character. 

The next morning he made a snarky comment to me, so I laid into him for talking to her that much and told him I saw the bill. He is supposedly the only one she can lean on for support because he's been through the same thing she's going through with the kids. He also somehow in this family oriented conversation found out she seems to like girls more now. I asked why she never texts me.. i tried to reach out to her before. 

He told me she doesn't trust me because i'm gossipy. I was totally taken aback that they were talking negatively about me behind my back. He tried to back pedal a bit and say it wasn't her that he warned her.. I was like WAY WORSE. He also locked me out of our mobile carrier account so I can't count the messages, won't show me the convo "out of principal because I'm the one who's the ***** not him". He says that he told her last night that I"m insecure so they need to stop texting for a bit. Then today I found out he warned her if "someone calls and acts crazy he's sorry" and then tried to justify it because he didn't say me. I was just hoping he would lay off because he knows it hurts me! Telling her this is hurting me more! Her and I used to talk here and there and since all of this started she has not tried to reach out to me. He says thats because he told her not too. Even sketchier in my opinion.

I think the whole thing seems sketchy and I'm supposed to just blindly trust it because I messed up 4 years ago. I truly don't think he is having an affair, but I don't know what he is hiding or why. He has gone to great lengths to keep me out of finding out what they talked about and how much now. We are taking a night apart, but I have told him my stance:

I am at issue with him dragging her into our issues now. I feel that we are having enough issues at home, that he should be worried about fixing that and not helping her through her situation. He is not her only friend. He said "but she's a friend and I went through the exact same thing" and I said "I am a friend too? You are spending your time and efforts helping her and not working on us" I told him that I am not going to try to stop him from talking to her, but he needs to know that it hurts me that he is talking to her. He told me I am an awful friend and being paranoid by asking that and I said that I am not asking them to not talk. I am asking him to fix us and I won't have a problem with it. I told him he needs to forgive me and move on. Not forget, but forgive and stop throwing it my face and that this demand that I need to prove something to him needs to go away. My quitting drinking and staying faithful, I thought was enough. I laid it out as that he needs to either forgive me and stop calling me names and stop throwing it in my face, or he can hold a grudge without me and I am going to ask for a divorce. I can't take day in and day out of having to relive it and being called names and fighting this much.

Am I being out of line? What are others thoughts on this messy situation?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

"My husband was very distant at the time and didn't notice that it was going on. He has a long history of being abused as a child and does have quite the temper on him. He does not argue constructively and resorts to name calling. Long and short, he has showed a lack of respect for me repeatedly and so have I. We have been together well over ten years and married ten now. We both work and he does not do dishes, vacuum, laundry, clean bathrooms, etc... "

This paragraph alone shows the lack of respect/love and remorse you feel towards your husband.

You say your husband was abused as a child. Did you do anything to help him on that matter?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Personally, what you did was wrong, but it has ZERO bearing on what is going on now. 



> This is a girl who has told me she used to have a crush on him and even when she was drunk hanging out with us last (3 months ago) visiting our state (she lives out of state) told me "I'm so lucky cause he's so hot." And then she tried to make out with me and she was married. I told her thats not cool to her husband and told her when she sobers up she'll realize that.


Did you tell your husband about this incident? If not, then no wonder he flipped out. It means his trust in you was wrong again. 

Anyway, he is a hypocrite and after 4 years, there is no "but you did it, so you can't say anything."


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## Tired_and_remorseful (Oct 11, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> "My husband was very distant at the time and didn't notice that it was going on. He has a long history of being abused as a child and does have quite the temper on him. He does not argue constructively and resorts to name calling. Long and short, he has showed a lack of respect for me repeatedly and so have I. We have been together well over ten years and married ten now. We both work and he does not do dishes, vacuum, laundry, clean bathrooms, etc... "
> 
> This paragraph alone shows the lack of respect/love and remorse you feel towards your husband.
> 
> You say your husband was abused as a child. Did you do anything to help him on that matter?


I have tried to get him to seek counseling and he doesn't want to. I have supported his choice to not speak to his family for over 10 years. I have told him I understand that he doesn't know how to cope because of that treatment and have tolerated the name calling and yelling because I feel like he doesn't know how to act better. I don't know what to do to help him, but I fee like it is a huge part of this. He doesn't want help.


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## Tired_and_remorseful (Oct 11, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Personally, what you did was wrong, but it has ZERO bearing on what is going on now.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I did tell him at the time it happened. He said that she is probably just drunk and to blow it off. I feel second to her all the time. He is way more "whatever" about the things she does and he criticizes everything I do. I don't get it - if he thinks I am so bad why does he stay? I feel like he is trying to get revenge.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You both need to go to MC. If he does not want to go you start. Let him know when the appts are and just go. At some point he will join you.

It sounds like you both do not deal with issues and just try to move past them. That does not work you have to tear the issues out and up and then you can move forward


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Counseling is the way to go. He has anger issues and when alcohol is involved, you let bad things happen.

You "drunken" sex text.
Then she is drunk, If you were hanging out you were probably drinking as well and you get kissed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He could be doing stuff that is making him feel guilty, so he is "blameshifting" this on to you.


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## Tired_and_remorseful (Oct 11, 2013)

I haven't drank in over a year and a half. I just got access back to our phone bill and found out though he told me he hasn't talked to her and that he texted her once today and "she didn't respond" that they actually texted 146 times today. So I feel don't feel so bad anymore. I don't feel I should trust him anymore at this point and he got caught in his lie.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Sounds like you have an EA on your hands. This is really your decision how you handle it. You can let him tie your hands by buying his 'right' to do this because of your own cheating 4 years ago, or you can call him out for being the hypocrite that he is. He has to go NC with her, just the way you did when you had your A. If he can't do that, then you can file for divorce.

Don't let him twist you up. Two wrongs definitely don't make a right.


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## flynndsx (Oct 12, 2013)

We have been together well over ten years and married ten now. We both work and he does not do dishes


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> "My husband was very distant at the time and didn't notice that it was going on. He has a long history of being abused as a child and does have quite the temper on him. He does not argue constructively and resorts to name calling. Long and short, he has showed a lack of respect for me repeatedly and so have I. We have been together well over ten years and married ten now. We both work and he does not do dishes, vacuum, laundry, clean bathrooms, etc... "
> 
> This paragraph alone shows the lack of respect/love and remorse you feel towards your husband.
> 
> You say your husband was abused as a child. Did you do anything to help him on that matter?


I feel you need to read the whole post before you make such a sweeping generalization. The lack of respect seems to work both ways on this relationship


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

The sad reality when a betrayer asks or wants the betrayed to get past or over it is that it may involve getting over them. Try to find something in your present with your husband to connect to him with if you think your relationship is something you want to keep.

Good luck,

Seasalt


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You don't think it's an affair. You are wrong, it is an emotional affair at least, and is likely headinsg for physical just as fast as lightning. They are not 'just friends'.

What can you do about it? You can only clearly state what you will and will not accept, and follow through.

You will not accept being in a relationship triangle. You will no longer tolerate verbal abuse and disrespect. You will no longer sit by and watch him fail to deal with his own issues, you will no longer pay the price for the acts of others. Being abused does not justify being an abuser, not even being an *******.

Demand No Contact, ever, forever. Demand transparency. Start talking, honestly and openly, about how you feel, what you want, what bothers you. 

If he refuses, leave, detach, move on, stop doing the same thing expecting things to improve on their own.

Your life can be better. Only you can make that happen.

It might be history that's keeping you together, but it isn't love. He is treating you with contempt, and he is giving himself permission to cheat and blaming you. Don't play along.


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