# Need advice for dying marriage



## Mountaingirl96 (Jan 31, 2011)

Would appreciate any advice for my bewildering situation here...

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. Since the beginning, he has had a hobby which consumes him, and takes him away from me daily. It sounds crazy but this hobby is originally what brought us together but shortly after we were married, I realized that the hobby takes priority over everything in his life. To say he neglects the marriage is a huge understatement. I have had numerous discussions through the years, and tried everything short of leaving him to let him know how much his dedication to this thing hurts me and the marriage. Every time I have a "talk" (he even hates the word), he agrees, but never changes.

Over the past couple of years, I have felt myself shutting down. I don't care anymore and I want out. Problem is we have two young children now, and I stay only for them. But I'm not even sure that is wise because I am so depressed.

Now the bewildering situation. Several months ago I was contacted by my college sweetheart. We were very much in love then, but there was a miscommunication, both of us thought the other one wanted it over and through e-mails, we have figured out that was never the case. We never even said goodbye to each other. He tells me that he has thought of me every day since then, never fell out of love with me, and has been looking for me for years. He even married someone who looks like me, which after looking at her picture, I agree. He says his life fell apart after our breakup, he quit college, got into drinking, and went down from there. He has told me that he became quite negative towards the world without me, and that I am the one person that makes him whole. He says what happened was a mistake, one that he would like to fix. 

I always had very strong feelings for him. Several times through the years, especially during the worst times of my marriage, I would think of him and wondered what happened to him. I always thought we would be the ones to wind up together. Anyway, long story short, we both admitted we still love each other and have told each other about the problems in both of our marriages. I have told him my marriage is over and want out, he has told me the same. We text all day long, and have even visited on 3 different occasions. He has even serenaded me. 

I am trying to stay realistic here and am very confused. I never thought of myself as a "cheater". In fact if you asked people who know me, they would laugh because normally I am a "goody two shoes" kind of girl who never ever did anything wrong. I am struggling with the guilt of all of this, the death of my marriage and the powerful feelings I have for this other man.....can anyone give me direction?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Youre having an emotional affair with your ex.
Obviously you don't like your current situation.
If there's a part of you that still wants to work on your marriage, is your husband open to counseling with you?
If you don't mind sharing, what is the hobby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rsted222 (Jan 27, 2011)

Sounds to me like you've made your mind up.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

OMG stop stop stop!

You are up to your eye balls in an EA and trust me being the spouse of a man who I found out recently had an EA it hurts like hell. What you think you have with this other guy is just a fantasy. 

If you don't want to be a cheater then don't be. If you think your marriage is over thats up to you, have the respect for your spouse to end it first before starting something else.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Hmmm....

I think my best advice would have to be eliminate college sweetheart from the equation for now, and deal with your marriage. Look at your marriage, without the possibility of another man waiting in the wings, and decide if you want to be married to your husband any longer. If you decide you want out, then end the marriage because you truly feel that's what's best for both of you, and your children. If you decide to give it one more try, give it your all and do everything you can to make it work, and do not contact college sweetheart again at all. 

After your marriage is fully over and done, and you've taken a little time to heal (you will still need some time to deal with it, even though you already feel it's over), then you could get together with college sweetheart IF he has ended his marriage as well. 

It's all too easy to idealize someone else when there are problems in your marriage; it's very likely that were you to get together with college sweetheart that you'd find that he's not really as wonderful as you think he is right now. Maybe not, but I still wouldn't end your marriage just because of the possibility of getting together with him. End the marriage based on it's own merits, or lack thereof.


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## Mountaingirl96 (Jan 31, 2011)

credamochasgra, its already more than an emotional affair I am afraid to admit. The hobby....well I don't want to be too specific, but lets just say it is something that takes him away from our family several nights a week, and when he is here he is in his mancave in our house working on it. 

I have asked my husband about counseling before. He said no, he sees no problem in the marriage because he is still providing for me and the kids. I used to want him to be with us, but I have given up on that idea and I actually quite prefer his absence now. I realize thats horrible but I see no other alternative. My husband is not a horrible man, hes funny, nice, but sees no importance in his presence in the household.


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## Nibiru (Jan 26, 2011)

You met your ex through....let me guess...Facebook?



> its already more than an emotional affair I am afraid to admit......I never thought of myself as a "cheater".


It's so sad to read this.
You will have to tell your husband.
Your marriage is past finished - it has been for some time.


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## Mountaingirl96 (Jan 31, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the advice. My husband - well he is gone too much to care about how I feel, or stay home long enough to have a decent conversation with me. I stay quiet about everything just to keep the peace in the household because when I bring up his hobby, I may as well be starting World War III. 

When my college sweetheart contacted me, we started off just being friends. We then began to talk about what happened, and he sent me a long e-mail telling me about exactly what happened to him after our breakup, and how he still loves me. He said that he would respect any decision I made, and he has become my best friend all over again. I told him about the problems in my marriage, and we decided that it would be best for the marriages to end on their own without interference from either one of us. He was worried that I was coming to him simply because I was lonely, and I'll admit I had to consider that possibility, but I know its much much more than that. As he describes his life, his interests, and how he lives, it's what I've always wanted out of life. I just can't believe how alike he and I are. 

I hate all of this, how I am in two different worlds, if I let the college sweetheart go, will I be throwing away my one chance at happiness? If I stay with my husband, I feel like the prison I am in will completely envelop me and I can't stand that thought. The bottom line is whats best for my children, and not this "me me me" thoughts. My husband is never here for them. Never. The college sweetheart has said he wants to love my children, and wants to make us his top priority. I don't know. I feel like I'm at my wits end.


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## rsted222 (Jan 27, 2011)

Just to get this out....I think you're being fooled by the college guy and because your marriage is rocky, well, it's easy to be fooled. 

If you choose to go back to the past....KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Good luck and God bless.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ok. 
If your or your ex's marriage ends, it's because of the marriage itself, not just because of the affair.
But your own marriage is enough to think about without concerning yourself with his. You're both in a weak, unclear-headed emotional place.
So, do you want to put every effort into your marriage before giving up? Do you want to pull out all the stops? 
Is your husband willing to go to MC with you?
If you have any desire to save your marriage, you have to DO something and talk to your husband about it.
You're obviously looking for a way to change what you're dealing with now.
If your goal is to be happy with your husband, then you have to take steps toward him, not away from him: counseling.
I think getting out and jumping into the arms of the other guy just is not smart at this point. It sounds like you both are vulnerable, impulsive, discontent, and looking for an escape right now. HE sounds like he's looking to you as a savior. That just doesn't make for wise decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Sorry, I just saw you answered my ? about counseling. Duh, missed that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mountaingirl96 said:


> credamochasgra, its already more than an emotional affair I am afraid to admit. The hobby....well I don't want to be too specific, but lets just say it is something that takes him away from our family several nights a week, and when he is here he is in his mancave in our house working on it.
> 
> I have asked my husband about counseling before. He said no, he sees no problem in the marriage because he is still providing for me and the kids. I used to want him to be with us, but I have given up on that idea and I actually quite prefer his absence now. I realize thats horrible but I see no other alternative. My husband is not a horrible man, hes funny, nice, but sees no importance in his presence in the household.


it sounds like he's giving up as much as you are.
You will need to tell him about the affair, but I don't know at what point.

Tell him that your marriage is on the line, and that it's more serious than he realizes. 
Make an appointment for counseling, tell him when and where.
If he doesn't go with you, go without him.

Somewhere in all of that, you'll need to tell him about it.
Maybe it'll wake him up and you two can re-start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What you are feeling is fantasy. He would have had an alcohol problem with are with put you that is his reaction to stress. He would have dropped out of college too because that's how ha handles disappointment. What happened to him when you broke up mist have been painful but his reaction was over the top and shows a lack of stability and mental stamina. Not to be mean nit don't flatter your self he is rewriting history because it keeps the fantasy going. An alchohic unstable man who resorts to seeming out OW instead of working on his marriage or being honest with his wife and getting a divorce is not you savior. The opposite he is the harnemger of hard times to come. 

I can almost see it, if he is unhappy in hissrriage and decides to get out and you two get together it will be a desaster. I really don't believe he is going to leave his wife he is using you to make it possible for him to stay. You provide some of his needs and his wife the rest. Congradulation, you are saving a marriage, the bad news is you are being foolish. You are giving up your family for a fantasy. If you really think the marriage is over, do the right thing, cut off communication with this man, tell your husband and try to salvage your marriage. If your husband knows how much trouble the relationsip is in and changes then all the good. If not then leave with a good feeling that you did everything possible cleanly. 

This man is not real, he is a pressure valve, to allow you to avoid handling your problems. don't leave your marriage for him, If you do, within 2 years, you will be with a drunk who will cheat on you too because that is the person he is. Has he vjeated before? Are you that type of person? You have shown character up until now re- establish your goodness and give your husband a chance to know how much trouble the relationship is in. Do it cleanly, you will be better for it and if your relationship fails you will be able to have a healthy one next time. Stay away from the dark side, you are too gullible and easy to fool. You prince is a deluded pauper, you were lucky not to have married him. Don't throw away good fortune by putting on an old broken down pair of shoes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MG,
I would ask out of basic decency that you do one final thing. Tell your H you are leaving him and tell him WHY. It sure sounds like he deprioritized you long ago. But I am guessing he will freak when you drop the "bomb". 

If he isn't willing to give 100 percent of himself to fix the marriage, then you leave with a clear conscience. 

If he IS willing to give 100 percent you nicely tell your ex that you have to stop all communication with him for the next 6 months and give your H an honest and fair shot at making it work. You CANNOT stay in touch with your affair partner while your H works on the marriage because you will have zero chance of falling back in love with him while in the glow of love for another. 

It is cruel to ditch your H without giving him a final chance at redemption. Worse than cruel - it is wrong - to him and the kids. 

And do NOT disclose the affair. Just focus on him and the marriage and see what happens.



Mountaingirl96 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. My husband - well he is gone too much to care about how I feel, or stay home long enough to have a decent conversation with me. I stay quiet about everything just to keep the peace in the household because when I bring up his hobby, I may as well be starting World War III.
> 
> When my college sweetheart contacted me, we started off just being friends. We then began to talk about what happened, and he sent me a long e-mail telling me about exactly what happened to him after our breakup, and how he still loves me. He said that he would respect any decision I made, and he has become my best friend all over again. I told him about the problems in my marriage, and we decided that it would be best for the marriages to end on their own without interference from either one of us. He was worried that I was coming to him simply because I was lonely, and I'll admit I had to consider that possibility, but I know its much much more than that. As he describes his life, his interests, and how he lives, it's what I've always wanted out of life. I just can't believe how alike he and I are.
> 
> I hate all of this, how I am in two different worlds, if I let the college sweetheart go, will I be throwing away my one chance at happiness? If I stay with my husband, I feel like the prison I am in will completely envelop me and I can't stand that thought. The bottom line is whats best for my children, and not this "me me me" thoughts. My husband is never here for them. Never. The college sweetheart has said he wants to love my children, and wants to make us his top priority. I don't know. I feel like I'm at my wits end.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband has neglected you for 14 years. Yet, you have brought children into this world with such a terrible husband. 

And what kind of man is your affair partner? His life goes into disarray because of a miscommunicated break up and he never fights for you? He seems like a real loser and very weak. Now that the level of betrayal will be immense and the level of devestation to children and his wife will be incomprensible, it's great that you two figured it all out.

You should divorce your husband and stop leaching off him.


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## Mountaingirl96 (Jan 31, 2011)

As far as my marriage, I think I've given him every chance. I've talked, I've asked nicely, I've cried, I've even threatened once or twice. Every time always the same reaction..yes he agrees but nothing changes. This last year was the straw that broke the camels back. Two things....first, he used our daughter to lie about adding another activity to his hobby. He got her involved in it and then made her lie about what he was doing. Said she was just doing it, and then he was off in another room leaving her alone with the group so he could be in another group. I even asked him to his face what he was doing while she was there, he said he was watching her. She knew he made her lie to her mother. Unforgivable. Then, in December, I lost my father. He had been sick for quite some time and in and out of the hospital. About a month before he passed, my sister called one day to explain how Dad had gone back into the hospital, and had almost gone into a coma but they were able to barely save him. After I got off the phone with her, I just started sobbing. My husband was about to leave to go with a buddy of his to another city 4 hours away for this hobby, and stopped just long enough to say goodbye. He didn't stay with me, or watch the kids so I could go see my dad in intensive care. Something else I just can't forgive him for.

I feel like those last two situations are just too much for me to come back from. I no longer wish to work on the marriage. I can't get past the years of neglect and these final acts.

And then along comes my college sweetheart, who treats me like royalty and loves me so intensely. I know they say the grass is greener on the other side, well, I can see that here, but I have to wonder is it reality or fantasy. Yes we are both very unhappy in our marriages. We have plans to divorce, and then reunite sometime later after things have settled. We are trying to be "smart" about it, but the emotions are overwhelming for both of us. Im still trying to figure out if this is real or just emotions?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The warnings you've been given should be taken to heart. If you're ready to leave your husband because of years of neglect..then do so. Do not do so because of any influence from this OLD flame. There's a reason why ex's are ex's.

This is not hollywood or a disney movie. There are no Prince Charmings. I man so I can tell you we all have flaws, and we will do an excellent job hiding them until we get what we want....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

MG, did you happen to read any of the responses?


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

A number of people here have expressed the same thoughts I have about your situation. But, let me echo their thoughts as an expert on the subject since I've been there-done that. My advice to you is to forget about the old high school crush and get your life in order without allowing him be an influence in your decisions. You'll not be able to properly function until you fairly end your current situation before starting another. You've lived a good part of your life with him hiding in the shadows - but now you know he's out there still and have confirmed that he feels for you as you hoped he would. Be that as it may - you have to shelve all your intense feelings and desires until you deal with the present before moving onto the future. You WILL be miserable otherwise, even though you have justified in your mind that you deserve to move on - dump your current marriage, and be in love, etc. 

Everyone wants security in this world, and you want nothing less. So, you've confirmed that there is somewhere to run to if you end your current relationship. The thing you don't really know is what lies beyond the infatuation. Being in the vunlernable position you now find yoruself means that most if not all your current thoughts and feelings are probably questionable - even though they feel completely real to you - and you have to clean up the mess you're in first in order to have a clear enough head to move into a new situation. The other guy would do well to also follow the same course of action IMO.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

changehappens said:


> A number of people here have expressed the same thoughts I have about your situation. But, let me echo their thoughts as an expert on the subject since I've been there-done that. My advice to you is to forget about the old high school crush and get your life in order without allowing him be an influence in your decisions. You'll not be able to properly function until you fairly end your current situation before starting another. You've lived a good part of your life with him hiding in the shadows - but now you know he's out there still and have confirmed that he feels for you as you hoped he would. Be that as it may - you have to shelve all your intense feelings and desires until you deal with the present before moving onto the future. You WILL be miserable otherwise, even though you have justified in your mind that you deserve to move on - dump your current marriage, and be in love, etc.
> 
> Everyone wants security in this world, and you want nothing less. So, you've confirmed that there is somewhere to run to if you end your current relationship. The thing you don't really know is what lies beyond the infatuation. Being in the vunlernable position you now find yoruself means that most if not all your current thoughts and feelings are probably questionable - even though they feel completely real to you - and you have to clean up the mess you're in first in order to have a clear enough head to move into a new situation. The other guy would do well to also follow the same course of action IMO.


I think this is excellent advice. Sounds like your husband is rather self-centered and of a mind to use his child and actually put her in a position to lie for him. Thats is a lack of character there for sure. Get out of your marriage cleanly, don't count on this affair man to rescue you. In your state, I think you are not able to judge how good a person he is.

You can not assume that you do not have serous issues to work on. A major one is that you married and had children, and remained for many years with an obviously flawed man. Ask your self why. You stand a good chance of getting involved with another self-absorbed amoral man. 

Does that sound like your HS sweetheart who is cheating on his wife and is two self-centered to get a divorce? He is unlikely to leave his wife because you are meeting some of his needs and she is meeting the rest. You are actually making it easier for him to stay married.


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## Mountaingirl96 (Jan 31, 2011)

I have been thinking alot about all the responses on here. Thank you for them all. The one that scares me the most is Catherine's statement that I am actually making it easier for him to stay married. This could be very true. He talks about wanting to make me his future wife. About reaching "our forever". All extremely romantic, and we text constantly about the future. But we both know that to be together would hurt many people. Both spouses. My kids, and his kids as well. The families. 

He has told me that he is "crazy" for me. Please let me explain. We were both in college in our sophomore year when the "miscommunication" happened. Our relationship has always been what you would consider "long distance". We wrote letters and called until both of us got vehicles and were free to see each other. We drove constantly back and forth the two hours it took to see each other. One day his truck broke down while he was in my town, and he couldn't get back for his job. He was fired. I felt so guilty about that, although he said he didn't blame me. Then two weeks later it broke down again, in his town, before we were to go on a big date. He was extremely irritable, and yelled at me on the phone. I was so shocked. I'd never heard him yell, much less at me. I never called him back. He never called me back. Since we have been in communication again, I found out he thought I was mad at him, and I gave up, when I'd always believed he gave up, and was mad at me. So sad. We were very much in love. He told me that he came back to my town several times, and watched me from afar as I would move about the campus. Said he tried to get up the courage many times to come up to me, but couldn't. In the process he became so depressed he began to drink (something he never did while we were together), quit college, and his family moved to a big city 4 hours away. He said he had odd jobs, and continued to drink until he became an alcoholic. Several years ago, when his first child was born, he decided to get help. Went to AA, and counseling. He was in counseling for four years. He said that I was the topic of nearly all his conversations because he could not get over me. He said that once he got a computer he began searching for me. Even found some of my classmates and asked them about me. Last year I joined MS and FB and within a few months I got his first email asking me if I remembered him. 

So I do believe him when he says how important I am to him. I just wonder, even though he reassures me all the time, if its enough for us to indeed have that "forever" he talks about. 

Now, about my own marriage, my husband is just fine with us having separate bedrooms (I stay in the extra bedroom now exclusively - and he has said nothing and does not question it). There is absolutely no passion, or desire, or any physical relationship to speak of. He seems just fine with this, and this is another thing that greatly upsets me. I know I have been pulling away since my college sweetheart contacted me, but I feel like he has pulled away from me long before that. He is very controlling, he has his own business and has to boss his employees all day. When he comes home it is no different. I am bossed around as well. I am more like his employee than his wife. He is nice, kind, and funny, but there is this huge distance between us. And he hates to talk about relationship stuff. If I suggest we need to talk, he bristles and I can just forget it. 

I realize what all of you are saying is right. I should forget the old flame. I'm just so scared if I lose him, I will never find love again. Right now I feel so completely lost.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm no expert...

If you don't want to stay with your husband and the two of you cannot work on your marriage than you need to leave him.

The EX sounds toxic. I mean, seriously toxic. Co-dependent and the whole nine yards. Red flags to me are the fact that he tells you that he quit school and became an alcoholic because he wasn't with you. That is NOT flattering! That is manipulation. The fact that he tells you he has been hunting for you all these years is also not a very positive sign. I think you should RUN.

Good luck with whatever you choose.


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