# question for the women........



## oldflyguy (Sep 15, 2011)

I never could really figure this out, so I will ask here...


More then once a buddy has split up with his wife for a sexless marriage...or fulled around got caught then split up...

So a real close friend called me and we were talking and he told me that he was splitting up with his wife for non-affection....

I know... I know, it is a two person marriage and it can be both thier faults...(not blaming the women here)

All of these guys I have known over the years have either left or had a affair to "get" the affection they wanted at home.....

some of these guys were the best of men and some well.... not...

Since I know the guys, I also know the women and "hear" about their lives since the split up.......

Here's the question.....

Why is it that a wife, will not give affection to the husband, but will go out with the "girls" or alone and do things with guys they do not know, that they would not do to the husband???
once they are split up???

they have no problem "givin" it up to these guys or new boyfriend for the week...

I know one gal that should have had a revolving door hung on her house..... but as her husband told me " I got tired of begging for her affection" there was no money issue, he never fulled around, took care of the kids... I mean he was a great guy and has been married 20+ years now to a good wife...


I mean they cry for the loss of thier marriage, and then grab ahold of many...many...guys...


I don't understand why they just don't love the man at home, the one they married, the one who loves them and most of the time, father of the kids....

but seems they would rather chase the husband away, and full around with any one they can untill they get married... and once remarried, then it starts all over again............


OFG


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Maybe the wives want to sow some wild oats and embrace their single life. Men do it all the time.

If a woman is no longer married, she is free to "give it up" to whomever she chooses. That is why people divorce.

How do you know these hubbies are so "great"? Maybe you should talk to the wives before you start forming opinions about the marriages. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Because they never learned what the mistakes were the first time.

Because they were not incapable of affection, they just didnt want to give it to their husbands.

Because the new guy treats them like they are dating.. makes them feel special, and it isn't a case of spread your legs or we are getting a divorce.

Because the new guy is NEW.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Serioulsy, though...Love the man at home is the respectful thing to do. That takes maturity. It's too easy to just get a divorce.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Why would a divorce be easy? Don't you know how emotionally and financially devastating it can be?

I don't think it is mature to "love the man at home" if he does not treat the woman well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This isn't gender-specific. Some men do this, too.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Why would a divorce be easy? Don't you know how emotionally and financially devastating it can be?
> 
> I don't think it is mature to "love the man at home" if he does not treat the woman well.


People treat you the way you let them. I know what it's like to have affection cut off, instead of working out problems. So do lots of men. It's not mature. Resolve your differences. Don't use a lack of sex as a weapon.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It is impossible to resolve differences, with someone who is not willing to make the necessary changes. 

Husbands are not the only ones who do not receive enough affection. Women are not always at fault when they walk away from a marriage.

If a husband is not being kind to his wife and he makes no efforts to improve, the wife is respecting herself by not allowing him to treat her badly. The same goes for a husband who is being mistreated. 

I think that most men get intimidated, by women who go for what they want sexually. It's like "How dare you enjoy another man when you did not enjoy your husband! How dare you move on with your life!"


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

The husband turned her off. She has found men that turn her on.

It can be soul crushing to have sex with someone you are not attracted to and no longer feel a connection to.

If the man doesn't figure out how to keep a woman interested in him sexually the same thing is going to happen in every relationship he has.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

From reading your original post, I was thinking these husbands were too much of a "NICE GUY" for too many years, their wives grew bored, somehow the young romantic confident stud got lost with kids and home life and a different man emerged, too doting perhaps ( some women do not like this), they slowly grew bored, loose attraction to them - did they gain a pot belly ? and possibly found them too much of a doormat. 

My initial thoughts.

As for the new men in their life ....any time something is NEW, it has a dopamine effect to it. Read this : 

The science of love

Never count out a Mid Life Crisis either. 
.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

oldflyguy said:


> I never could really figure this out, so I will ask here...
> 
> 
> More then once a buddy has split up with his wife for a sexless marriage...or fulled around got caught then split up...
> ...


Resentment. It's difficult to feel like being affectionate with someone when you feel resentment toward them. 

I'm guessing the reason why it seems so easy for the wives to move on and have sex with other men is that because there is no long term history with them....there has been no time for resentments to build.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> *It is impossible to resolve differences, with someone who is not willing to make the necessary changes.
> 
> Husbands are not the only ones who do not receive enough affection. Women are not always at fault when they walk away from a marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, it was because the guy was a douche.


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## Wellnesstzar (Sep 27, 2011)

I wish it was easy for both parties. I strayed on my ex, I should have given him all my attention, (but I also had some built up resentment) When he would go out w/ the guys or not come at night because he was too drunk, and other men are making it known that they are interested,...that can be very confusing. Why cant men say "affection from you is all i need"?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> Resentment. It's difficult to feel like being affectionate with someone when you feel resentment toward them.
> 
> I'm guessing the reason why it seems so easy for the wives to move on and have sex with other men is that because there is no long term history with them....there has been no time for resentments to build.


Yes. Resentment is passive aggression enacted by withholding affection and many other things.

In long term marriages both husband and wife are going to get hurt simply because they love one another, and maybe the greater and deeper the love the greater and deeper the hurt.

But if either the husband or wife, let alone both, respond to the hurt with resentment and passive aggression (instead of foregiveness and understanding) then the marriage will eventually collapse. And it is the punishment through passive aggression by withholding and other non loving, spiteful actions that causes the collapse.

Every single day a husband or wife holds on to their resentment they bang another passive aggressive nail into the coffin of their love and marriage. The greater and deeper the love their spouse has for them, the more nails needed to eventually kill that love. I think it becomes deeply habitual behaviour to the point they are no longer aware that they are doing it, are no longer conscious of their destructive behaviour and so are surprised when they look and see that love is no longer there between them.

And those people never ever get to experience the deep and abiding love and friendship that some couples experience right on into their old age. No matter how many partners they search trying to find that deep and abiding love that will last them even though they are very old, wrinkled and infirm and through to their end.


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

> they have no problem "givin" it up to these guys or new boyfriend for the week...


They give affection to these guys because it is fresh and NEW. Once the novelty wears off, it will be back to square one. Some people simply seek excitement in their lives.


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## LostMyPath (Oct 4, 2011)

Wellnesstzar said:


> I wish it was easy for both parties. I strayed on my ex, I should have given him all my attention, (but I also had some built up resentment) When he would go out w/ the guys or not come at night because he was too drunk, and other men are making it known that they are interested,...that can be very confusing. Why cant men say "affection from you is all i need"?


Why cant most women say "affection is all i need" ???

I never quite figured out why its always men who have to try and work so hard to keep the women.

I thought women wanted equality?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

AFEH Oh I so very much agree with you are saying, and I am experiencing this myself with my H. We want to stop it before it gets to a point of no return, hopefully we will be able to. I am aware, deep down, that my H loves me extremely deeply, scarily so. Like he would be crushed beyond repair if this did not work out. Which is why I think he takes any resentments internally. 

I like the saying that there is no perfect person, and you need to learn to love the person you are with. Accept their minor faults. If your boundaries are not being broken, then let the little stuff go. More for me, I do not want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder either. If you don't want to forgive your spouse or work it out, how about letting it go so you are not burdened with it?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

deejov said:


> AFEH Oh I so very much agree with you are saying, and I am experiencing this myself with my H. We want to stop it before it gets to a point of no return, hopefully we will be able to. I am aware, deep down, that my H loves me extremely deeply, scarily so. Like he would be crushed beyond repair if this did not work out. Which is why I think he takes any resentments internally.
> 
> I like the saying that there is no perfect person, and you need to learn to love the person you are with. Accept their minor faults. If your boundaries are not being broken, then let the little stuff go. More for me, I do not want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder either. If you don't want to forgive your spouse or work it out, how about letting it go so you are not burdened with it?


I think in your type of situation the very best thing is to take yourselves onto a marriage enrichment course. Have a look at Alpha Marriage Course | Emmanuel Methodist Church. I know a couple who run them, they told me the couples who are divided/separated by bitterness and resentment start the course off sitting more or less back-to-back, arms cross folded in front of them. And then sometime during the course they start to turn towards each other and start looking into each others eyes. They tell me its probably the most rewarding part of running the course.

The really good thing about the course is that no person feels they are under the microscope, perhaps feeling criticised by a counsellor. And it’s a non participation course, it’s more like a presentation/seminar, training course centred on healthy structures and dynamics in a marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

surfergirl said:


> Resentment. It's difficult to feel like being affectionate with someone when you feel resentment toward them.


So true. Nothing kills a sex drive faster than resentment



that_girl said:


> For me, it was because the guy was a douche.


Made me laugh!



AFEH said:


> Yes. Resentment is passive aggression enacted by withholding affection and many other things.
> 
> In long term marriages both husband and wife are going to get hurt simply because they love one another, and maybe the greater and deeper the love the greater and deeper the hurt.
> 
> ...


Excellent post. 



LostMyPath said:


> Why cant most women say "affection is all i need" ???


Tons of women do this and still get ignored/pushed away/not given affection.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I think that most men get intimidated, by women who go for what they want sexually. It's like "How dare you enjoy another man when you did not enjoy your husband! How dare you move on with your life!"


I don't think it is being intimidated. I think it is the realization that much of the perception of thier marriage was not true. Their wife said they were not interested in sex, when really they were not interested in sex with him. That raises a lot of other doubts, such as did she ever like having sex, why did she marry him, did she really even love him. Those can be difficult issues to confront.


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## oldflyguy (Sep 15, 2011)

well,
thanks for the replies,
but I think I left a little out.....

most of the time the women are not happy with their new lives now that they pushed the husband away..,
they hate the fact that they have to "give" to the new men in their lives.....
Now once they are remarried, they turn the affection button off again...

and the part about some guys being "too good" I do think that can be true.
Many women I have talked to over the years(worked at a high managment office, lots of women I could not touch, but could talk to) told me that their husbands was "too nice" they wanted a little bit of a "bad boy"...

but after word, most said they blew a good thing....


As far as he resentment thing....women carry it forever....

and yes I suppose guys are this way to, just never heard of it from my buddies....


OFG


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

oldflyguy said:


> well,
> and the part about some guys being "too good" I do think that can be true.
> Many women I have talked to over the years(worked at a high managment office, lots of women I could not touch, but could talk to) told me that their husbands was "too nice" they wanted a little bit of a "bad boy"...


Again, this is not gender-specific. Many men don't want women who are "too nice" and defer to them on everything.


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

> Many men don't want women who are "too nice" and defer to them on everything.


What's wrong with people nowadays. Would men prefer to be with a cheater and a liar? Is it what they need to keep them on their toes?:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I meant "too nice" as in being a "doormat."

Nice is paramount. Doormat is no good.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> Because they never learned what the mistakes were the first time.
> 
> Because they were not incapable of affection, they just didnt want to give it to their husbands.
> 
> ...


Yeah but where do you draw the line. 

In my case I've had sex twice in 2011... so basically it is spread your legs like before or we may get a divorce. How can any woman think that's OK in a marriage is beyond me. I don't care how mad you got, two years should be enough time everyone screws up.... and that's up to a matter of opinion. I relly did very little wrong I've always been great to her.

I treat my wife great, she just seems unable to address this issue and it's been two years of great efforts. She even admits that. BTW I learned my mistakes the first time. So there is no excuse. I love my wife but everyone has a limit as to the non-action on her part.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Trying--the problem is your wife. I personally would not want to be in a sexless marriage/relationship. That would not work for me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, a sexless relationship wouldn't work for me either...unless some REAL issues such as medical conditions, etc. Even then...we'd have to get creative.


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