# the silent treatment



## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi, My husband is giving me the silent treatment again. He goes out of town and shuts off his phone because he knows that I feel lonely when he leaves so he doesn't have contact for a certain number of days. Then when he finally called me, everything was ok. Well, he kept telling me how much he wanted me to come out there, etc. I kept telling him i would, even though he knew that I had some doubts about going.
Three days ago I called him and told him I didin't want to come, that I still would come, but that I didn't want to. He was pissed. I asked why he didin't get me anything for my First Mother's Day. He laughed at me and said that honestly he didn't care. Our baby started crying so we ended the conversation without any resolve. Then when I tried to call back-like forty times- he won't answer. I stopped and it's been three days.
I hate this. I feel that it is manipulation and degrading. He has an agreement with his father that he will only talk to me if I am "nice" please help.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

venuslove said:


> I hate this. I feel that it is manipulation and degrading. He has an agreement with his father that he will only talk to me if I am "nice" please help.


It IS degrading and manipulative. And, why is his father involved in your marriage? How long have you been married? Do you really want this treatment forever? I think you should re-evaluate your relationship to see which parts you think need improvement.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

venuslove said:


> He has an agreement with his father that he will only talk to me if I am "nice" please help.


It sounds like his father has a hatred for women, or at least a real problem with them and he is instilling his beliefs in his son. Its abusive, manipulative, and controlling. IMO as long as you are with this type of man it wont get better.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

venuslove, you've got a few things going on here:

1.) Why does your husband have any sort of agreement with his father about your marriage? That is truly bizarre. His father isn't in your marriage - you two are.

2.) Your husband either considers Mother's Day a non-holiday, is dismissive of your role as a mother, or both. I would seek to find out which it is and why.

3.) _He goes out of town and shuts off his phone because he knows that I feel lonely when he leaves so he doesn't have contact for a certain number of days._ Him turning the phone off entirely is strange. I don't know anyone who does that besides my dad when he's in the hospital. The excuse of turning it off and not calling you because you're lonely? Typically, our spouses call us _because_ they know we're lonely.

4.) You calling him forty-plus times just lets him know that he's pushed your buttons. It lets him know he's "won." Don't play the phone game with him.

Just in your short post, you've illuminated many troubling issues. How long have you been married, and how old are you both? A little more background would help us advise you better.


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## Manas (May 29, 2012)

Yes he is being very mean to you, probably coz of what he has been led to believe ..... do you also play the crying, getting over emotional, nagging game with him? .... If you dont, you shouldnt take this treatment from him, tell him that. But if you do then you guys should talk and agree to get over all the drama (talk when the mood is good)


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

The silent treatment is one of the cruelest things that you can do to someone, IMO.


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

just wondering: is there a good method for dealing with silent treatment?

pretend like it's not happening? silent treatment back? 

or is this dependent on situation?

OP's statement clearly has a husband which is openly manipulative and just plain cruel.

in my situation, my wife is giving me the silent treatment for cooking too late at night. i admit, she's told me about this before but there's always some times where I can't avoid it (making the next day's lunch). 

between the bouts of silent treatment she'll tell me that she plans to store away all of her items (pots, pans, small oven) precisely so i won't be able to do this in the future.

NO idea how to go about it. i've apologized but it's no use.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

descarado said:


> just wondering: is there a good method for dealing with silent treatment?
> 
> pretend like it's not happening? silent treatment back?
> 
> ...



Its been my experience that when someone is giving you the silent treatment, you call them out on it. You let them know you know what they are trying to do , you don't appreciate it, etc. I'm not saying that because you tell them you know what they are doing will make them stop what they are doing, BUT they need to be aware that you know, and you do not approve. Idf they continue on regardless of how you feel or what you say, then there will come a time when you will need to make a decision on what you will or will not live with. 

IMO, the silent treatment is a form of abuse, its game playing and its childish. Most of the time the silent treatment is a learned behavior, however that doesn't give that person the right to continue to treat others poorly.


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

trey,

thanks for the advice about calling them out on it.

anything else? do i let her pack away her stuff without argument? do i try to talk with her after calling her out on the silent treatment? 

i guess i'm trying to start the conversation but am unsure how to resolve it. what i don't want is to just bury whatever resentment she has, only to have it spring from the grave a few weeks/months/years later.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Does she always operate in a passive/aggressive manner with other things to? Or was this just this one incident with the cooking late at night? 

If she takes away the pots and pans, then tell her you are willing to compromise with her and you have some suggestions for her and you both. 

Tell her, if she wants to take the pots and pans away, that is fine with you, you will just make sandwiches for the next day.

Or you could tell her since she doesn't like you cooking late at night, ask if she would be willing to make you something to eat herself, and that maybe she could do it earlier so it wouldn't be late at night since she doesn't care for that.

Make sure when you talk to her, its not in a mean or threatening tone. Firm but nice, to get your point across.


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

trey,

she has a history of acting in a passive-aggressive manner when she's angry.

she has anger-management issues, lashing out when she is angry, veering from passive-aggressiveness to outright aggressiveness (when_ very _angry, she will throw plates and break stuff). she doesn't get angry often, but when she does she really loses it. she has a bad habit of bottling up her anger until she explodes.

she's been trying to deal with this by meditating and such, but as far as i can tell it's more of a coping mechanism rather than something that has truly resolved her anger management problems. 

so there's a deeper thread to all this. i'm trying to get over this latest episode while looking at ways that can help her with the underlying problem.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you would like to start another thread on this very thing you are talking about here, I would be more than happy to respond. I didn't want the OP to feel like I was hijacking her thread.


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

trey,

sounds good.

my apologies, venuslove!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

venuslove said:


> Hi, My husband is giving me the silent treatment again. He goes out of town and shuts off his phone because he knows that I feel lonely when he leaves so he doesn't have contact for a certain number of days. Then when he finally called me, everything was ok. Well, he kept telling me how much he wanted me to come out there, etc. I kept telling him i would, even though he knew that I had some doubts about going.
> Three days ago I called him and told him I didin't want to come, that I still would come, but that I didn't want to. He was pissed. I asked why he didin't get me anything for my First Mother's Day. He laughed at me and said that honestly he didn't care. Our baby started crying so we ended the conversation without any resolve. Then when I tried to call back-like forty times- he won't answer. I stopped and it's been three days.
> I hate this. I feel that it is manipulation and degrading. He has an agreement with his father that he will only talk to me if I am "nice" please help.


You're right... it's manipulative and degrading. Since you can't change him, I'm going to focus on what you can change: you.

What is the reason you tolerate this? If you know he's playing these stupid games, why would you call him "like forty times" instead of twice and done? 

The problem with his concept of "he'll talk to you if you're being 'nice'" is that there is no set definition of nice. How does either of you know if he's supposed to be talking to you or not? I think it comes back to he'll talk to you when you do things his way, and punish you if you aren't. That's not a marriage. At best, you might consider it a job, but even then you would draw a paycheck. 

I don't believe in trying to talk about things with unreasonable people. Instead, I take actions that teach them where my boundaries are in a way they cannot talk around. So if I was in your shoes, I'd be looking for ways to DEMONSTRATE that I have equal say and influence in the relationship. I'm unconventional like this, but I have found that it works extremely well. For the silent treatment stuff, I'd probably boycott doing ANYTHING that benefits him in any way for the same number of days he plays his games. I might even go two days for every one. I'd decide my plan, inform him of it, and then follow through. For me, that would mean I would not prepare food he could eat, wash laundry, make phone calls that would make his life easier... anything.) 

However, I'd also be prepared for him to escalate his behavior to try to regain power. If he did, I'd be planning my escape route. 

Most people will tell you to go to marriage counseling. I think you could benefit from individual counseling, but when emotional abuse exists I haven't seen much benefit from counseling. 

Make no mistake, either. He *is* being abusive. You may find this article helpful to understand what's going on in his head and in your relationship. I've included some tips for trying to address these kinds of problems, too. Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

The silent treatment is terrible. Imo it's something that children do when they're upset, not adults in a functioning relationship. Constant silence in a partner causes me a lot of anxiety, and I'm at the point in my life where if my partner wanted to give me the silent treatment, I'd give him the "get the "f" out of here" treatment. I'm too old for games, and I refuse to play them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's degrading is that YOU called him 40 times.

Why would you do that? 

Is he more important than you? I think not.

Show some respect for yourself and give HIM the silent treatment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

descarado said:


> just wondering: is there a good method for dealing with silent treatment?
> 
> pretend like it's not happening? silent treatment back?
> 
> ...


 Why would you reward her bad behavior by apologizing? It is your house, too, isn't it?

Get this book and read it this week: No More Mr Nice Guy.


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