# Hubby Upset about past relationships



## pickil65

So the other day, my hubby asked me a question that I know he did not want to know the answer too. He asked me, what's the longest blow job you ever gave anyone, I knew the answer not because I timed it on purpose, just knowing the time I got to the guys house and the time I left I guessed at about 45 mins. After which he asked me who cause that wasn't me and I told him the truth which was a friend with benefits many years ago and he knew that too. Every since he has been picking stupid fights with me and being mad at me about other things and this was a few days ago. 

2 of my 3 kids are in scouts, so last night I went to my co-leaders house to have a leader meeting about up coming meetings and I told my hubby that it would probably only take a half and hour, he said well he was going to go to bed. So I knew he was still mad at me cause if he isn't he will wait up for me to get home. So I was at her house for about 2 hours instead of 30 mins. 

Today my son has a cub scout event to go to at 6pm so I got up early this morning and asked my hubby to get the kids on the bus so I can go to work early and get my full 8 hours in. His reply was "its all about you and your job" well he is not making any money right now so I need my full 40 hours. So that was that I left at 6:35 this morning so I could get to work by 7:30. 

On my drive in he texts me "and even if you were doing girl scouts for that long where was the courtesy call letting me know," I didn't call cause he told me he was going to bed. So then I was like if you don't believe me put a damn parental tracking thingy on my phone so you can rest assured I am where I say I am. Which made him madder. Now he is telling me that I am starting the arguments and that I am bringing up the crap. 

I am SOOOO over this argument, last night before I went to my meeting I was trying to be nice to him and he was saying that I was only doing that because of our arguments, which isn't true, yes I want to make up with him but I was being nice because he is my husband and I want him to be happy. 

I don't know what I should do anymore, I am tired of fighting with him, he has never fully trusted me, sometimes it comes out jokingly and we brush it off but I don't think he has ever trusted me. I am pretty sure it has to do with his first wife who he caught cheating after 6 years but whenever I say I am not her and I would never cheat he comes back with why are you bringing up the past, yet he does it all the time case and point above and I am tired of it. Please someone tell me what to do. Right now I am just ignoring any negative texts he sends to me and when I talk to him on the phone I don't bring up the conversation, but that isn't going to fix the issue.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

pickil65 said:


> So the other day, my hubby asked me a question that I know he did not want to know the answer too. He asked me, what's the longest blow job you ever gave anyone


Why do men do this if the can't handle the answer????????


----------



## knightRider

From the male perspective, your man wants to have the same, if not, better sex than your previous lovers..


----------



## samyeagar

SecondTime'Round said:


> Why do men do this if the can't handle the answer????????


Oh, it's not just men that do this...

I am normally one who tries to provide some balance to the stream of "the past is the past" posts, because it's usually never that simple, but from what the OP presents here, I think her husband really brought this on himself. I seems like the OP is dealing with it as best as she can, and if it truly is as straight forward as presented here, he needs to do some work to move past it, and to learn some control in asking for things he can't handle.

pickil65...has he always been this way, or have there been instances where he has found out things, possibly in social situations, that he didn't set out to know?


----------



## Anon Pink

There are a few things a woman should never do and one of them is answer the kind of question such as your husband asked you. ESPECIALLY if he already tends to be jealous and mistrustful. But what's done is done.

Stop dancing around the real problem even though that's exactly what your husband is doing. For a moment, let's pretend he was strong enough to admit that: 
1. he feels unsecure in your love because of past experiences; 
2. like worrying a sore spot he couldn't resist asking a question that would only torment him; 
3. that he has no idea how to handle his intense fear that you might betray him too; 
4. and now that the open conflict has begun he doesn't know how to let it go.

If he HAD admitted all of that how would you respond? Would you soften toward him or remain angry? 

Retroactive jealousy is something people have very little control over, apparently. There are a few men here at TAM who admit to dealing with this and they hate it. 

Yes, your husband is being a jerk and you're probably totally frustrated. But talking about this out in the open instead of lobbing bombs back and forth at each other might help this from becoming a power play about who is right and who is wrong.


----------



## Driedlove

Even though I don't know you, I'm just gonna fill in my opinions (which can be wrong or right by your choice). 

No offense, but you do seem suspicious. 

(F.Y.I. My ex cheated on me, so I'm sure I'll be like him someday, always suspicious with the next girl I'm with)

Examples:

-That wasn't me

-Friends with benefits

"After which he asked me who cause that wasn't me and I told him the truth which was a friend with benefits many years ago and he knew that too."

-you went to your co-leader's house last night... for a meeting 

-would probably only take 30 minutes

-he sent you a simple text that he would go to bed, but you thought he was mad at you

-you were at her house for 2 hours instead of 30 minutes 

"2 of my 3 kids are in scouts, so last night I went to my co-leaders house to have a leader meeting about up coming meetings and I told my hubby that it would probably only take a half and hour, he said well he was going to go to bed. So I knew he was still mad at me cause if he isn't he will wait up for me to get home. So I was at her house for about 2 hours instead of 30 mins."

If you want to gain his trust, don't stay at your co-worker's for 2 hours instead of what you told him (30 minutes). You keep ruining his effort to trust you. 

"I am SOOOO over this argument, last night before I went to my meeting I was trying to be nice to him and he was saying that I was only doing that because of our arguments, which isn't true, yes I want to make up with him but I was being nice because he is my husband and I want him to be happy."


Fake smiling is a similar tactic to what my cheater did. She would always pretend to be happy, because she was hoping I could move on, forget about her past, and be happy (but I never was, because I still felt suspicious with her, and it turns out I was RIGHT when I caught her!). The more pissed off I was, the more happy she tried to be. It's just so FAKE. The happy-doodley-doo act would just make him increase more suspicion because it looks like you're hiding something from him when you were happy like that.

Just discuss in EVERY DETAIL to your hubby about that night, and never hold back on the detail. If you have nothing to hide, it REALLY is easy to tell him every detail without getting him upset. 

If you can't tell him every detail of that night INSTANTLY... then he'll just get suspicious with you all over again.

Hope my opinion/viewpoint helps?


----------



## UMP

Give him a really good 45 minute BJ. That would end the problem for me.

Tell him ahead of time, "I dare you to last 45 minutes. I bet you can't do it."

I'll put my money on 15 minutes max. I'm in for 50 bucks, under 2 to 1.

You're neighborhood sex bookie here.


----------



## Anon Pink

@Driedlove,

She went to another WOMAN'S house for a scout meeting. WTF is suspicious about that? The meeting should have only taken 30 minutes but it took longer. Since when did she have a time limit imposed by her husband? Since when is it unusual that women talking together might take longer than expected? Since when is it HER burden to prove she is faithful?

Clearly this thread has triggered you and I'm very sorry for the pain your ex wife put you through but there is nothing suspicious about OP's behavior.


----------



## UMP

Anon Pink said:


> @Driedlove,
> 
> She went to another WOMAN'S house for a scout meeting. WTF is suspicious about that? The meeting should have only taken 30 minutes but it took longer. Since when did she have a time limit imposed by her husband? Since when is it unusual that women talking together might take longer than expected? Since when is it HER burden to prove she is faithful?
> 
> Clearly this thread has triggered you and I'm very sorry for the pain your ex wife put you through but there is nothing suspicious about OP's behavior.


"scout meeting" is code for an adult sex party. Did you not know that!!!>


----------



## NobodySpecial

Anon Pink said:


> There are a few things a woman should never do and one of them is answer the kind of question such as your husband asked you. ESPECIALLY if he already tends to be jealous and mistrustful. But what's done is done.
> 
> Stop dancing around the real problem even though that's exactly what your husband is doing. For a moment, let's pretend he was strong enough to admit that:
> 1. he feels unsecure in your love because of past experiences;
> 2. like worrying a sore spot he couldn't resist asking a question that would only torment him;
> 3. that he has no idea how to handle his intense fear that you might betray him *too*;


I like your post, but I am confused by this. Whom did she betray?



> 4. and now that the open conflict has begun he doesn't know how to let it go.
> 
> If he HAD admitted all of that how would you respond? Would you soften toward him or remain angry?
> 
> Retroactive jealousy is something people have very little control over, apparently. There are a few men here at TAM who admit to dealing with this and they hate it.
> 
> Yes, your husband is being a jerk and you're probably totally frustrated. But talking about this out in the open instead of lobbing bombs back and forth at each other might help this from becoming a power play about who is right and who is wrong.


----------



## Anon Pink

NobodySpecial said:


> I like your post, but I am confused by this. Whom did she betray?


"...that you might betray him too." op's husband's first wife betrayed him so he fear that op might betray him ALSO.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Anon Pink said:


> "...that you might betray him too." op's husband's first wife betrayed him so he fear that op might betray him ALSO.


I did not see that. Thanks.


----------



## pickil65

Driedlove said:


> Even though I don't know you, I'm just gonna fill in my opinions (which can be wrong or right by your choice).
> 
> No offense, but you do seem suspicious.
> 
> (F.Y.I. My ex cheated on me, so I'm sure I'll be like him someday, always suspicious with the next girl I'm with)
> 
> Examples:
> 
> -That wasn't me
> 
> -Friends with benefits
> 
> "After which he asked me who cause that wasn't me and I told him the truth which was a friend with benefits many years ago and he knew that too."
> 
> -you went to your co-leader's house last night... for a meeting
> 
> -would probably only take 30 minutes
> 
> -he sent you a simple text that he would go to bed, but you thought he was mad at you
> 
> -you were at her house for 2 hours instead of 30 minutes
> 
> Fake smiling is a similar tactic to what my cheater did. She would always pretend to be happy, because she was hoping I could move on, forget about her past, and be happy (but I never was, because I still felt suspicious with her, and it turns out I was RIGHT when I caught her!). The more pissed off I was, the more happy she tried to be. It's just so FAKE. The happy-doodley-doo act would just make him increase more suspicion because it looks like you're hiding something from him when you were happy like that.
> 
> Just discuss in EVERY DETAIL to your hubby about that night, and never hold back on the detail. If you have nothing to hide, it REALLY is easy to tell him every detail without getting him upset.
> 
> If you can't tell him every detail of that night INSTANTLY... then he'll just get suspicious with you all over again.
> 
> Hope my opinion/viewpoint helps?


How am I supposed to tell him everything of something that happened before I even met him, 15 years ago, and he told me he was going to bed before I left so I was being nice and not bugging him telling him I was going to be later then that. I hardly ever stay out later then what I suspect I am going to. 

And I do not fake being happy with him EVER!!! If I am mad at him I let him know it. I call him on lunch every day, I call him when I leave work, when I leave the gym, when I leave scouts, I always call him to let him know where I am and if I forget he gets mad and angry, but he is allowed to go places without telling me and god forbid if I ask him where he has been.


----------



## pickil65

UMP said:


> Give him a really good 45 minute BJ. That would end the problem for me.
> 
> Tell him ahead of time, "I dare you to last 45 minutes. I bet you can't do it."
> 
> I'll put my money on 15 minutes max. I'm in for 50 bucks, under 2 to 1.
> 
> You're neighborhood sex bookie here.


I thought about that, and I know that would probably fix it, but the problem is my friends with benefits was just that, all we did was oral, no physical sex, I have even cut all ties with that friend because my hubby requested that I did. I don't understand his reasoning for it, but I did it to make him happy years ago. My hubby knew about all my previous sexual relationships before we got married, even the part that I was raped by my brother, whom of which he was the first person I trusted with that information, my parents didn't even know at the time I told him. Anyways I am getting off topic. The problem with my hubby is I will give him a good 15 min blow job, but then it turns into actual sex instead of continuing the blow job because of course I am horny too. 

But when do I give it to him. If I give it to him now, he will know its just to make him happy and make up for what he wants.


----------



## samyeagar

pickil65 said:


> I thought about that, and I know that would probably fix it, but the problem is my friends with benefits was just that, all we did was oral, no physical sex, I have even cut all ties with that friend because my hubby requested that I did. I don't understand his reasoning for it, but I did it to make him happy years ago. My hubby knew about all my previous sexual relationships before we got married, even the part that I was raped by my brother, whom of which he was the first person I trusted with that information, my parents didn't even know at the time I told him. Anyways I am getting off topic. The problem with my hubby is I will give him a good 15 min blow job, but then it turns into actual sex instead of continuing the blow job because of course I am horny too.
> 
> But when do I give it to him. If I give it to him now, he will know its just to make him happy and make up for what he wants.


What about your husbands past? Comparable amount of partners and experiences to you? Did he ever go the friends with benefits route with anyone? What is his emotional attachment to sex?


----------



## bc3543

UMP said:


> "scout meeting" is code for an adult sex party. Did you not know that!!!>


You never know. It could be code for something. 

I'm one of the scout leaders for our troop, and while there is nothing to do with sex at any of our meetings, the planning meetings sometimes turn into an "adult drinking party".


----------



## anonmd

I would take this as a learning opportunity and have a conversation some time in the next few days after the conflict has been somewhat resolved. The convo would be 2 parts, one part is expressing some compassion for him and his vulnerability / suspicions / insecurities due to the previous cheating partner. The other part would be how him asking the question was a mistake because he can't handle the answer and in the future you will A) not lie to him and answer if he really wants an answer but B) will say something like "do you really want me to answer that, maybe you want to think about it and revisit tomorrow before I answer".


----------



## TAMAT

Pickil,

You wrote, *I have even cut all ties with that friend because my hubby requested that I did.*

That may be perhaps a large part of why your H is triggered, did you continue to communicate with this person after you started dating your H, or after you two got married. 

Ex-Sexual partners of any description should not be in your life when you are married.

Are their ex boyfriends or lovers on your Facebook?

This may be why your H feels unsafe with you.

Tamat


----------



## pickil65

I only know about his ex-wife, a 4-some that he had with her and 2 other girls, and his ex-girlfriend before me. He doesn't talk about his past much and when I ask him he blows it off, all I know is he caught one of his good friends in bed with his ex-wife.


----------



## pickil65

Tamat, 

I have no ex-boyfriends or lovers or friends with benefits on my Facebook or any contact with them, I even took them off my phone contacts. My friend with benefits knows why we aren't friends anymore and of course we haven't had the benefits part since he started dating his wife, which was before I started dating my hubby. I remained friends with him on Facebook for a long while not to spite my hubby or anything, I just didn't think about it and a few years ago my hubby saw a reply from him on one of our kids pictures and asked why I was still friends with him on Facebook and I was like I don't know and he said he didn't want me to be friends with him on Facebook so I sent him a message as to why I was unfriending him and that was that, nothing more about him until this stupid blow job thing came up. I mean occasionally a mutual friend will give me updates about the friend but I never talk about anything I find out about with my hubby.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

pickil65 said:


> I only know about his ex-wife, a 4-some that he had with her and 2 other girls, and his ex-girlfriend before me. He doesn't talk about his past much and when I ask him he blows it off, all I know is he caught one of his good friends in bed with his ex-wife.



Hmm, ask him if you can have a foursome with 2 other guys while he gets his prolong blowjob.

Watch some on here state that he does not owe you that at all.


----------



## samyeagar

pickil65 said:


> Tamat,
> 
> I have no ex-boyfriends or lovers or friends with benefits on my Facebook or any contact with them, I even took them off my phone contacts. My friend with benefits knows why we aren't friends anymore and of course we haven't had the benefits part since he started dating his wife, which was before I started dating my hubby. I remained friends with him on Facebook for a long while not to spite my hubby or anything, I just didn't think about it and a few years ago my hubby saw a reply from him on one of our kids pictures and asked why I was still friends with him on Facebook and I was like I don't know and he said he didn't want me to be friends with him on Facebook so I sent him a message as to why I was unfriending him and that was that, nothing more about him until this stupid blow job thing came up. I mean occasionally a mutual friend will give me updates about the friend but I never talk about anything I find out about with my hubby.


Do your husbands hangups seem to be focused on this particular man? Or your past sex life in general?


----------



## Anon Pink

Oy Vey!!!

You cannot prove a negative. 

Stop looking for plausible excuses for her husband's insecurity and jealousy. This is what happens when people fail to heal and continue to sit in the victim chair. EVERYTHING is now all about the victim and not triggering the victim and not upsetting the victim and not angering the victim.


----------



## convert

UMP said:


> Give him a really good 45 minute BJ. That would end the problem for me.
> 
> Tell him ahead of time, "I dare you to last 45 minutes. I bet you can't do it."
> 
> I'll put my money on 15 minutes max. I'm in for 50 bucks, under 2 to 1.
> 
> You're neighborhood sex bookie here.


agreed

I was think what man can last 45 minutes with a blow job unless she is using her teeth>
her jaw would be so tired and sore:grin2:


----------



## pickil65

bc3543 said:


> You never know. It could be code for something.
> 
> I'm one of the scout leaders for our troop, and while there is nothing to do with sex at any of our meetings, the planning meetings sometimes turn into an "adult drinking party".


UM... 

I don't know what kind of scouts your talking about but I have a 9 year old in girl scouts and we work on badges at the meetings, the meeting last night with my co-leader was to prepare for the next meeting, her kids were bugging us every 5 minutes too. LOL


----------



## pickil65

convert said:


> agreed
> 
> I was think what man can last 45 minutes with a blow job unless she is using her teeth>
> her jaw would be so tired and sore:grin2:



I tried to tell him that, I was 19 and younger and I could do that stuff for that long and now my mouth gets sore and yeah lets not go into the discussion of how the other guy lasted that long LOL.


----------



## pickil65

samyeagar said:


> Do your husbands hangups seem to be focused on this particular man? Or your past sex life in general?


The fact that he worked at the school I went too (in college, not high school) and it was a friend with benefits not an actual relationship. Although he doesn't seem to mind the guy I went to high school with that I had a friend with benefits rebound fling with after my ex-fiancé cheated on me.


----------



## Buddy400

Believe everything Anon Pink says, ignore the rest.

Just one more thing to consider: 

Some men (that includes me) think that blowjobs are more intimate than intercourse.

For whatever reason, I'd be more upset with my wife blowing someone than having intercourse with them.


----------



## jb02157

I think his reaction was also due to his not working now. But I do agree that asking or answering questions about the past like that is not a good idea. If you don't want to start a fight, not asnwering might have been the best way to go.


----------



## TAMAT

Pickil,

You wrote, *I mean occasionally a mutual friend will give me updates about the friend but I never talk about anything I find out about with my hubby. *

Your H should be informed when people tell you about the friend, you are keeping secrets from your H, while your H may respond negatively to the truth, I think his response to lying or omission if far far worse.

Does your H feel your boundaries with people, especially men are too low. 

Personally I would be livid if there were any communication between my W and ex'es, I think finding out about this ex on facebook was the start of his distrust and although he went quiet it was eating away at him. Men brood.

Perhaps your H should have visited the friend to cut things off. I would have your H inform this guys wife about the communication and the history. 

The cutoff message should not have been polite as it leaves a door open for future connection at least in the friends eyes.

Tamat


----------



## samyeagar

pickil65 said:


> The fact that he worked at the school I went too (in college, not high school) and it was a friend with benefits not an actual relationship. Although he doesn't seem to mind the guy I went to high school with that I had a friend with benefits rebound fling with after my ex-fiancé cheated on me.


Has he always been uncomfortable with this particular guy? From your perspective, was there anything that set this particular guy apart from your other past lovers? That made him special?


----------



## Anon1111

male perspective here:

your husband was looking for reassurance from you that you value him more than any of the other men who have been in your life.

for many men, the highest demonstration of love is sexual.

so if you have done sexual things with other men that you have not done with your husband, he is going to take it as you valued those other men more than him.

you may disagree with this conclusion, but you are unlikely to convince your husband that how he feels is wrong.


----------



## 6301

If he has trust issues then what he got was his own fault. I'm sure that if he knew you were in past relationships, the 99% of the time, sex is involved. You don't have to be a genius to figure that out and then when he starts prying, then all he's doing is picking at his own scab and that's his fault.

Seems to me that he lives by the rule that "Don't do what I do but do what I say" He can be in bed with 4 other women but gets bent out of shape that you gave a 45 minuet BJ. He needs to grow up.


----------



## Cletus

This is the male equivalent of what pornography represents to a lot of women, IMO. 

And my advice for both is the same - get the hell over it.


----------



## TAMAT

Pickil,

That an ex would comment on a picture of your child is especially disturbing for your H. I presume it is your and your Hs child?

Tamat


----------



## Anon1111

Anon Pink said:


> There are a few things a woman should never do and one of them is answer the kind of question such as your husband asked you.


the instinct to lie about stuff like this or avoid the question does not actually address the issue.

if you know that your husband will be upset by the truth, then doesn't that tell you something?

The temptation to view your husband as simply insecure is very self justifying.

The better path is to understand that he has a point. 

If he is not your best ever-- if you have offered yourself in ways to other men that you have not offered yourself to the man who has committed his life to you-- then there is a real problem.

The solution to this type of inquiry is to make sure that your husband is your best ever. Hopefully you've already done this-- in which case, there is no problem. 

If you haven't, that is where your focus should be.


----------



## jdawg2015

TAMAT said:


> Pickil,
> 
> You wrote, *I mean occasionally a mutual friend will give me updates about the friend but I never talk about anything I find out about with my hubby. *
> 
> Your H should be informed when people tell you about the friend, you are keeping secrets from your H, while your H may respond negatively to the truth, I think his response to lying or omission if far far worse.
> 
> Does your H feel your boundaries with people, especially men are too low.
> 
> Personally I would be livid if there were any communication between my W and ex'es, I think finding out about this ex on facebook was the start of his distrust and although he went quiet it was eating away at him. Men brood.
> 
> Perhaps your H should have visited the friend to cut things off. I would have your H inform this guys wife about the communication and the history.
> 
> The cutoff message should not have been polite as it leaves a door open for future connection at least in the friends eyes.
> 
> Tamat



This it right here! Bingo!

My ex fiancé did the same thing with one of her exes. Even allowed him to get cheeky and say "why don't you two live next door to me and my wife when you move back to the states" etc. Needless to say her request to him to have no further contact lasted three months until he came texting again and I had to reply and put him in his place AND told his wife. He's now getting divorced as a result 

OP, your request to the friend was half-hearted. You are an idiot to have maintained that relationship in any fashion. And further insult is he was in your facebook commenting on your kids photos? 

No wonder your husband has trust issues. 

My guess is the old friend and you have or will sneak contact in some form or fashion..


----------



## jdawg2015

TAMAT said:


> Pickil,
> 
> That an ex would comment on a picture of your child is especially disturbing for your H. I presume it is your and your Hs child?
> 
> Tamat


Yup Husband must trigger lick a SOB after that episode.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Anon1111 said:


> the instinct to lie about stuff like this or avoid the question does not actually address the issue.
> 
> if you know that your husband will be upset by the truth, then doesn't that tell you something?
> 
> The temptation to view your husband as simply insecure is very self justifying.
> 
> The better path is to understand that he has a point.
> 
> If he is not your best ever-- if you have offered yourself in ways to other men that you have not offered yourself to the man who has committed his life to you-- then there is a real problem.
> 
> The solution to this type of inquiry is to make sure that your husband is your best ever. Hopefully you've already done this-- in which case, there is no problem.
> 
> If you haven't, that is where your focus should be.



by that logic, she can have sex with two other men since he enjoyed sex with two other women at the same time. You know, to prove through sex that he loves her.

That is a BS statement and not about love, but about ego. The best, then every current relationship is the best then. I am okay with not being the best just like my gf is okay that she is not the best.

It is not about love. What is loving about his actions or demand to have his ego stroke or he will mistreat her.


----------



## Anon1111

If you're OK with not being each other's best then why are you committed to each other?


----------



## ConanHub

OP. I think your husband and you could benefit from counseling. His ego is taking some blows, pun intended, and not working is a huge part of it.

You two need to work through this.

You don't appear to be doing anything terribly wrong here.

I would stop anything to do with your ex sex buddy. It is a trigger for your H and a reasonable request to stop it.

Aside from that, he has issues which need to be overcome.

He needs to get to the core of his anger and insecurity.

You might be surprised at what is found out in counseling. Surface emotions often mask true issues.

I think you were right to be honest BTW but I wouldn't be interested in what my wife did specifically with someone. It could be a touch of RJ.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cletus

Anon1111 said:


> If you're OK with not being each other's best then why are you committed to each other?


Not sure I understand.

You'd better be OK with not being the best if you're not the best. Reality doesn't care much about your feelings. And if you can't commit to anyone who isn't "your best", you're probably in for a very long and lonely uncommitted life.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Cletus said:


> Not sure I understand.
> 
> You'd better be OK with not being the best if you're not the best. Reality doesn't care much about your feelings. And if you can't commit to anyone who isn't "your best", you're probably in for a very long and lonely uncommitted life.


My issue is with the keeping of an inventory of acts like it is a score card. I "offered" (wtf is that?) acts to others that I did not "offer" to my DH because I was young and stupid. For that I should cheerfully "offer" something to him? Thankfully he would not take it if I did.


----------



## Marduk

SecondTime'Round said:


> Why do men do this if the can't handle the answer????????


Because we're stupid and insecure.

It's why I never ask, and don't want to know.


----------



## Cletus

intheory said:


> No thanks. I'll think and feel exactly what I want.


It's my advice. You're not required to take it. 

Unrealistic expectations are a great way to sow discontent in any relationship.


----------



## pickil65

TAMAT said:


> Pickil,
> 
> You wrote, *I mean occasionally a mutual friend will give me updates about the friend but I never talk about anything I find out about with my hubby. *
> 
> Your H should be informed when people tell you about the friend, you are keeping secrets from your H, while your H may respond negatively to the truth, I think his response to lying or omission if far far worse.
> 
> Does your H feel your boundaries with people, especially men are too low.
> 
> Personally I would be livid if there were any communication between my W and ex'es, I think finding out about this ex on facebook was the start of his distrust and although he went quiet it was eating away at him. Men brood.
> 
> Perhaps your H should have visited the friend to cut things off. I would have your H inform this guys wife about the communication and the history.
> 
> The cutoff message should not have been polite as it leaves a door open for future connection at least in the friends eyes.
> 
> Tamat


I'm not asking for updates on the guy, my friends will be like oh did you hear this about so and so and I would be like no, I don't think not telling him hearsay and gossip is harming anyone.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Anon1111 said:


> If you're OK with not being each other's best then why are you committed to each other?




Really? Because there is love and caring involved. I am not the best looking and nor is she. It is more than just about sex. You seem to equate love and sex, which each is its own separate system.

There are marriages with no sex, and the couples are in love.

If iI wanted the best sexual partner, I would date a prostitute.

What you are talking about is ego. And sex with a loved one brings on more fulfillment. I dated a girl that was used by a lot of men, and the best sex I ever had, but there is more to a relationship than just sex. Other parts of our personalities are incompatible.


----------



## ConanHub

intheory said:


> pickl,
> 
> I guess you learned the hard way that you can't be honest with your husband.
> 
> He wasn't inexperienced before marrying you; sounds like he did his thing.
> 
> In my cynical experience, you have to lie in situations like this. That's not what I think is the ideal. But I do think it's a coping mechanism.
> 
> What's the longest amount of time you've given him oral? Let's say it's 10 minutes. So, he asks you "what's the longest you've ever given anyone else head", you say " 5 or 6 mins"
> 
> It doesn't matter in the end. It's just a way to survive.
> 
> Obviously too late for this particular issue; just for future reference.:wink2:


Can't agree with you on this one. If you are lying to protect yourself the relationship sucks.

I guess I will never understand why people think relationships like this are worth preserving, not growing through it or moving on.

Seems incredibly empty and unfulfilling to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk

Mr.Fisty said:


> Really? Because there is love and caring involved. I am not the best looking and nor is she. It is more than just about sex. You seem to equate love and sex, which each is its own separate system.
> 
> There are marriages with no sex, and the couples are in love.
> 
> If iI wanted the best sexual partner, I would date a prostitute.
> 
> What you are talking about is ego. And sex with a loved one brings on more fulfillment. I dated a girl that was used by a lot of men, and the best sex I ever had, but there is more to a relationship than just sex. Other parts of our personalities are incompatible.


My wife is my best sexual partner ever.

In fact, she gets better for me year by year.

Why is that?

Because she works at it. And I work at it for her.

I would never ask her if I'm the best she's ever had, but she's told me it many times. And I believe her, not because I'm the best stud that ever walked the face of the earth, but because I've had so many years to learn what works for her, when, and how.

And I work at it as often as she lets me.


----------



## Cosmos

pickil65 said:


> I only know about his ex-wife, a 4-some that he had with her and 2 other girls, and his ex-girlfriend before me. He doesn't talk about his past much and when I ask him he blows it off, all I know is he caught one of his good friends in bed with his ex-wife.


He had a foursome with his ex and 2 other women, gets to "blow it off" if you ask _him_ any questions about _his_ past, yet gets to be upset because you (under questioning) admitted to giving someone 45 minutes of oral sex? Wow!


----------



## Marduk

intheory said:


> pickl,
> 
> I guess you learned the hard way that you can't be honest with your husband.
> 
> He wasn't inexperienced before marrying you; sounds like he did his thing.
> 
> In my cynical experience, you have to lie in situations like this. That's not what I think is the ideal. But I do think it's a coping mechanism.
> 
> What's the longest amount of time you've given him oral? Let's say it's 10 minutes. So, he asks you "what's the longest you've ever given anyone else head", you say " 5 or 6 mins"
> 
> It doesn't matter in the end. It's just a way to survive.
> 
> Obviously too late for this particular issue; just for future reference.:wink2:


There's lying, and then there's lying.

"What's the longest BJ you've ever given?"

Bad answer: "longer than I've ever given you."

Right answer: "long enough that I got bored doing it, which doesn't happen with us!" (pulls his pants down)

One is threatening to those that get threatened by such things. The other is affirming to those that get threatened by such things.

If he wasn't threatened by such things he wouldn't have asked.


----------



## StilltheStudent

Something that I think is often missing here is empathy for the non-poster.

It sounds like the OP's hubby is acting overly insecure and dealing with his emotions in a generally immature manner.

Ok. 

So what?

When people are overly concerned about whose feelings are "correct" what gets missed, I think, is the reality that there are times that one partner should see that their H/W is not handling something well, and instead of being adversarial, letting their own ego go and helping their SO get through it.

There should be two conversations here:
1) Hubby needs to find a way to deal with his insecurities in a more mature manner; open and honest communication is difficult, but the attempt needs to be made.

2) Wifey needs to offer reassurance to a man whom clearly has some insecurities which are easily triggered.

Whether or not his insecurities are legitimate are only relevant if the point is for one of the SOs here to declare victory over the other one.

Marriages can be transactional and adversarial or they can be cooperative and supportive.

And lying to your spouse is pretty much always a bad idea.

A lie now to spare someone's feelings becomes a resentment latter which causes a divide.

My $0.02


----------



## samyeagar

...and this is where things get very nuanced and complicated. Many, if not most people want to be the best, but are also able to accept that at a lot of things, they are not. When it comes to relationships, something they care deeply about, however, it is not nearly as easy to accept. Then within the relationship, it's even more difficult in certain areas than others.

For many men, myself included, and I suspect many women as well, we would much rather our spouse say that we are the best they've ever had in bed, that we rock their freakin' world, but are a lousy cook, than hear them say we can vacuum the sh1t out of the living room carpet, but suck in bed. What makes the sex aspect even more difficult is that it is so subjective. We can objectively tell that dinner tastes good, and if our spouse get's seconds, it reinforces that. We can see the shine of a clean counter, no reinforcement needed.

Both men and women often times try and find objective measures for how they are doing in the bedroom by seeing enthusiasm in their partners, how into it they get, what they want to do....which leads to what we have all had drilled into our heads most of our lives with regards to just about every situation...actions speak louder than words, and when in doubt, belive the actions...and somehow, that is not supposed to apply to sex.


----------



## pickil65

ConanHub said:


> OP. I think your husband and you could benefit from counseling. His ego is taking some blows, pun intended, and not working is a huge part of it.
> 
> You two need to work through this.
> 
> You don't appear to be doing anything terribly wrong here.
> 
> I would stop anything to do with your ex sex buddy. It is a trigger for your H and a reasonable request to stop it.
> 
> Aside from that, he has issues which need to be overcome.
> 
> He needs to get to the core of his anger and insecurity.
> 
> You might be surprised at what is found out in counseling. Surface emotions often mask true issues.
> 
> I think you were right to be honest BTW but I wouldn't be interested in what my wife did specifically with someone. It could be a touch of RJ.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We tried counseling a while ago and it was helping until an issue came up where he thought the counselor was siding with me instead of being mutual when she was just trying to get his honest reaction which resulted in him storming out of the office and we never went back, took us days to recover from that one.


----------



## pickil65

Buddy400 said:


> Believe everything Anon Pink says, ignore the rest.
> 
> Just one more thing to consider:
> 
> Some men (that includes me) think that blowjobs are more intimate than intercourse.
> 
> For whatever reason, I'd be more upset with my wife blowing someone than having intercourse with them.


I think this applies to my hubby and it took me 10 years to figure it out Thanks.


----------



## Anon1111

it's not just about sex, but this is where it resonates for many men.

you can imagine a different scenario.

say OP found out that her husband, with prior girlfriends, made a point of asking them how their day was every single day and then sat there and diligently listened while they vented emotionally.

but with his wife, he has always been too busy to bother doing stuff like this.

if she was upset by this disparity, would it be reasonable for the husband to say, "Well, that was in the past when I was insecure and wanted to prove to the woman that I deserved her companionship. I'm more self assured today and I realize I don't need to do that anymore."


----------



## pickil65

Anon1111 said:


> If you're OK with not being each other's best then why are you committed to each other?


Say what? He is the best I have ever been with, what?


----------



## Anon1111

pickil65 said:


> Say what? He is the best I have ever been with, what?


that line was directed at a different poster.


----------



## pickil65

intheory said:


> pickl,
> 
> I guess you learned the hard way that you can't be honest with your husband.
> 
> He wasn't inexperienced before marrying you; sounds like he did his thing.
> 
> In my cynical experience, you have to lie in situations like this. That's not what I think is the ideal. But I do think it's a coping mechanism.
> 
> What's the longest amount of time you've given him oral? Let's say it's 10 minutes. So, he asks you "what's the longest you've ever given anyone else head", you say " 5 or 6 mins"
> 
> It doesn't matter in the end. It's just a way to survive.
> 
> Obviously too late for this particular issue; just for future reference.:wink2:


If you want to lie to your hubby that is fine but I don't lie to mine and if I start there is something seriously wrong with our relationship worse than this particular issue, I rather deal with him being mad about the truth then him being ignorant and happy. I learned a long time ago that it does not benefit anyone to lie and while I may be dealing with this issue now, it may have been 10 times worse if I lied.


----------



## Marduk

Anon1111 said:


> it's not just about sex, but this is where it resonates for many men.
> 
> you can imagine a different scenario.
> 
> say OP found out that her husband, with prior girlfriends, made a point of asking them how their day was every single day and then sat there and diligently listened while they vented emotionally.
> 
> but with his wife, he has always been too busy to bother doing stuff like this.
> 
> if she was upset by this disparity, would it be reasonable for the husband to say, "Well, that was in the past when I was insecure and wanted to prove to the woman that I deserved her companionship. I'm more self assured today and I realize I don't need to do that anymore."


Insightful. 

Sticky worthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NobodySpecial

Anon1111 said:


> it's not just about sex, but this is where it resonates for many men.
> 
> you can imagine a different scenario.
> 
> say OP found out that her husband, with prior girlfriends, made a point of asking them how their day was every single day and then sat there and diligently listened while they vented emotionally.
> 
> but with his wife, he has always been too busy to bother doing stuff like this.
> 
> if she was upset by this disparity, would it be reasonable for the husband to say, "Well, that was in the past when I was insecure and wanted to prove to the woman that I deserved her companionship. I'm more self assured today and I realize I don't need to do that anymore."


For me it is not the thing. It is the reason or emotion behind it. If he was doing it as a covert contract or to "prove", I'd be like Oh that is not really him. I would then address the degree of listening adequate and acceptable to US. She would have no place in the conversation.


----------



## ConanHub

pickil65 said:


> We tried counseling a while ago and it was helping until an issue came up where he thought the counselor was siding with me instead of being mutual when she was just trying to get his honest reaction which resulted in him storming out of the office and we never went back, took us days to recover from that one.


His reaction illustrates just how much he needs to address his issues.

This isn't going away and you did not recover.

Something is being swept under the carpet with him and not being dealt with.

It will continue to negatively impact your marriage until it is addressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon1111

NobodySpecial said:


> For me it is not the thing. It is the reason or emotion behind it. If he was doing it as a covert contract or to "prove", I'd be like Oh that is not really him. I would then address the degree of listening adequate and acceptable to US. She would have no place in the conversation.


interesting perspective.

reasons can be (and often are) rationalized after the fact though.

actions speak more loudly.


----------



## jorgegene

marduk said:


> There's lying, and then there's lying.
> 
> *"What's the longest BJ you've ever given?"*
> 
> Bad answer: "longer than I've ever given you."
> 
> Right answer: "long enough that I got bored doing it, which doesn't happen with us!" (pulls his pants down)
> 
> One is threatening to those that get threatened by such things. The other is affirming to those that get threatened by such things.
> 
> If he wasn't threatened by such things he wouldn't have asked.


yah, this whole thing doesn't make any sense to me even as a guy (not that it needs to). i mean i don't get the whole; _"the longer the blow job, the more erotic or outrageous it is, and how dare you take longer to get the guy off than you do me!!!!" _

huff and pufff!


----------



## jorgegene

how freaking rediculous


----------



## NobodySpecial

Anon1111 said:


> interesting perspective.
> 
> reasons can be (and often are) rationalized after the fact though.
> 
> actions speak more loudly.


If your spouse is rationalizing behaviors, that is the fish you should be frying, seems to me.


----------



## Anon1111

NobodySpecial said:


> If your spouse is rationalizing behaviors, that is the fish you should be frying, seems to me.


my point is that you have no real way of knowing the "why" of why somebody did something in the past.

the actual act is just a fact that cannot be debated.


----------



## pickil65

ConanHub said:


> His reaction illustrates just how much he needs to address his issues.
> 
> This isn't going away and you did not recover.
> 
> Something is being swept under the carpet with him and not being dealt with.
> 
> It will continue to negatively impact your marriage until it is addressed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree full heartedly but I can't force him to go to counseling and I am not pushing the issue. Some things are better left unsaid.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Anon1111 said:


> my point is that you have no real way of knowing the "why" of why somebody did something in the past.
> 
> the actual act is just a fact that cannot be debated.


Why would I care or think that what he is telling me is not the truth. Or why would I feel that I cannot just accept what be believes to be the truth. THAT would be a big problem for me.

Either way, the last thing that would conducive to a solution would be for me to tell him but you did it for HER.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I'm curious, did he just ask the initial question out of the blue?


----------



## Anon Pink

Anon1111 said:


> the instinct to lie about stuff like this or avoid the question does not actually address the issue.
> 
> if you know that your husband will be upset by the truth, then doesn't that tell you something?
> 
> The temptation to view your husband as simply insecure is very self justifying.



No, actually it doesn't tell me anything other than that he is insecure. If he is secure, he wouldn't ask because he wouldn't care about the answer. 



> The better path is to understand that he has a point.
> 
> If he is not your best ever-- if you have offered yourself in ways to other men that you have not offered yourself to the man who has committed his life to you-- then there is a real problem.


No, he doesn't have a point and no I do not have to offer up sex acts to my husband based solely on keeping him ahead of any other lover. It would indicate a real problem if my husband felt entitled to sex acts because I had done with with a prior lover. People change, grow, learn and each relationship is different. To expect a wife to offer up everything she has ever done in order to appease a delicate ego, is the problem.



> The solution to this type of inquiry is to make sure that your husband is your best ever. Hopefully you've already done this-- in which case, there is no problem.
> 
> If you haven't, that is where your focus should be.


On this last part, we are in complete agreement.


----------



## TAMAT

Pickil,

A separate but related topic.

Did your H ever really get over the affair his exW had?

Did he confront the OM or expose him, was there any just compensation?

I ask this because quite often men will just go off in a corner and internalize, with no one to talk to and no support, becoming a hand grenade for the next person who innocently pulls the pin. Women who are cheated on are looked upon as victims, while men who are cheated on are looked upon as failures.

Tamat


----------



## bandit.45

TAMAT said:


> Pickil,
> 
> 
> I ask this because quite often men will just go off in a corner and internalize, with no one to talk to and no support, becoming a hand grenade for the next person who innocently pulls the pin. Women who are cheater on are looked upon as victims, while men who are cheated on are looked upon as failures.


:iagree:


----------



## Anon1111

Anon Pink said:


> No, actually it doesn't tell me anything other than that he is insecure. If he is secure, he wouldn't ask because he wouldn't care about the answer.


circular argument.





Anon Pink said:


> No, he doesn't have a point and no I do not have to offer up sex acts to my husband based solely on keeping him ahead of any other lover. It would indicate a real problem if my husband felt entitled to sex acts because I had done with with a prior lover. People change, grow, learn and each relationship is different. To expect a wife to offer up everything she has ever done in order to appease a delicate ego, is the problem.


sure, you don't have to offer anything to your husband.

he doesn't have to offer anything to you.

everyone can change, grow, etc.

but I believe there is an expectation inherent in commitment that you strive to offer the best of yourself to your partner.

if you offered hotter sex to some random guy than your husband, then I think that is contrary to the basic assumption behind commitment.

I don't think this just applies to sex, it is just one emotional arena that happens to be very potent for many men. so they may find more resonance here than in other areas.


----------



## ConanHub

pickil65 said:


> I agree full heartedly but I can't force him to go to counseling and I am not pushing the issue. Some things are better left unsaid.


OK. Just so you understand their isn't a lot you can do about this issue.

If left un dealt with, you will be maneuvering around this for possibly the rest of your marriage.

I don't want to hazard a guess at his core issues but, I have a very strong notion that it will negatively impact your children in coming years as well.

Possibly your female children the worst but, if you have boys, it will impact them as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon1111

NobodySpecial said:


> Why would I care or think that what he is telling me is not the truth. Or why would I feel that I cannot just accept what be believes to be the truth. THAT would be a big problem for me.
> 
> Either way, the last thing that would conducive to a solution would be for me to tell him but you did it for HER.


it's not necessarily that anyone actually intends to deceive.

people rationalize to themselves all of the time. "Oh, I really didn't love him. I was actually better off that we broke up."

Maybe true. Maybe just a rationalization because the alternative was painful.

Taking it back to the topic, all OP's husband knows is some other guy got a marathon BJ that he never got.

He doesn't really know and can't really verify anything else. So that fact is going to speak very loudly to him.


----------



## TAMAT

I think the fact that Pickli would maintain or allow contact with a persons she was physical with before is the major issue. It may have made her H feel like he was a 2nd choice husband, and she was keeping the "friend" in the background.

There is also a language issue here if you refer to this person you had sex with as a friend then your H will trigger on that word. This is more than a friend, and to call him a 
"friend with benefits" sounds like minimization or avoidance.

Tamat


----------



## Anon Pink

Anon1111 said:


> if you offered hotter sex to some random guy than your husband, then I think that is contrary to the basic assumption behind commitment.
> 
> I don't think this just applies to sex, it is just one emotional arena that happens to be very potent for many men. so they may find more resonance here than in other areas.


Maybe we have discovered the crux of the real issue? Who defines what hotter sex is?

The point remains that for men, this seems to be an irrational area of justified insecurity. 

Of course I've been married for 30 years now so at this point if he insisted I give him a 45 minute BJ because I did it for a past BF he would have to stand on the table and drop his drawers because my knees couldn't handle it any other way.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Anon Pink said:


> Maybe we have discovered the crux of the real issue? Who defines what hotter sex is?
> 
> The point remains that for men, this seems to be an irrational area of justified insecurity.


This is not a man thing. My husband is not like this AT ALL. My BF very much was. That is why I will always remain with my DH. That is why I am no longer with my BF.


----------



## Marduk

Anon Pink said:


> Maybe we have discovered the crux of the real issue? Who defines what hotter sex is?
> 
> The point remains that for men, this seems to be an irrational area of justified insecurity.
> 
> Of course I've been married for 30 years now so at this point if he insisted I give him a 45 minute BJ because I did it for a past BF he would have to stand on the table and drop his drawers because my knees couldn't handle it any other way.


LOL!

I didn't hear a "no" in that anywhere... at least that's what I would say to my wife if she said that.


----------



## Anon Pink

TAMAT said:


> I think the fact that Pickli would maintain or allow contact with a persons she was physical with before is the major issue. It may have made her H feel like he was a 2nd choice husband, and she was keeping the "friend" in the background.
> 
> There is also a language issue here if you refer to this person you had sex with as a friend then your H will trigger on that word. This is more than a friend, and to call him a
> "friend with benefits" sounds like minimization or avoidance.
> 
> Tamat



I'm sorry but that's ridiculous! He husband clearly has some major triggers from his first marriage, putting him squarely and comfortably in the victim chair, directing traffic around him because he's a victim. 

Sounds like he expects his wife to appease his injured pride from his first marriage. Sounds like he still has some work to do to Get Over It.


----------



## Anon1111

I think this is extremely common among men. It can be dismissed as most guys are just insecure, but I think that is missing the issue. It is not about sex per se. Most women would have the exact same issue just played out in different ways.

I'm going to bow out now because I'm just repeating myself. Adios


----------



## Anon Pink

NobodySpecial said:


> This is not a man thing. My husband is not like this AT ALL. My BF very much was. That is why I will always remain with my DH. That is why I am no longer with my BF.


On this thread it's a man thing. In real life, no one ever talks about this so I wouldn't know.


----------



## Lila

Anon1111 said:


> If you're OK with not being each other's best then why are you committed to each other?


I'm okay with not being the best at EVERYTHING as long as I'm the best OVERALL.

ETA: OP, I too am very curious to know what prompted your H to ask you this question? Seems like it came outta left field.


----------



## pickil65

TAMAT said:


> I think the fact that Pickli would maintain or allow contact with a persons she was physical with before is the major issue. It may have made her H feel like he was a 2nd choice husband, and she was keeping the "friend" in the background.
> 
> There is also a language issue here if you refer to this person you had sex with as a friend then your H will trigger on that word. This is more than a friend, and to call him a
> "friend with benefits" sounds like minimization or avoidance.
> 
> Tamat


Actually that was quiet true all it was, I gave him BJs he enjoyed it, there was never any sex or kissing or any other intimacy's. If that sounds weird to you then oh well.


----------



## I Don't Know

You gave him BJs and he recriprocated?


----------



## NobodySpecial

I Don't Know said:


> You gave him BJs and he recriprocated?


Why is that important? She has a sexual past. Seems like that is enough to condemn a woman.


----------



## TAMAT

Pickil,

You wrote, *Actually that was quiet true all it was, I gave him BJs he enjoyed it, there was never any sex or kissing or any other intimacy's. If that sounds weird to you then oh well. *

Not weird at all, we all have needs and this was your way of satisfying them within your set of rules. Perhaps you were saving kissing for someone who really mattered.

Someone wrote that oral is more intimate than intercourse, for me really passionate kissing is more intimate than oral.

Tamat


----------



## I Don't Know

NobodySpecial said:


> Why is that important? She has a sexual past. Seems like that is enough to condemn a woman.


Goes to motive.

Actually it's not important to me. It might be to her husband. He might wonder why she wanted to blow this other guy if she wasn't getting anything in return. Or it might make it worse if she was. Who can say. RJ is extremely irrational, but some of the underlying thoughts do make sense.

Look at, I believe it was, Emma24's posts. Assuming they are real, it was postulated early on that she was way more attracted to the guy from her past than her H. She violently denied that was true. Then when past guy shows up at her door she swoons and starts secretly meeting with him. 

I'm not in any way suggesting that this OP would do the same. But for every one who declares "who cares what she did before, she's with you now" I believe this shows that sometimes the past does matter and sometimes the feeling that your W or H would rather be with a past love is valid.


----------



## NobodySpecial

I Don't Know said:


> Goes to motive.
> 
> Actually it's not important to me. It might be to her husband. He might wonder why she wanted to blow this other guy if she wasn't getting anything in return. Or it might make it worse if she was. Who can say. RJ is extremely irrational, but some of the underlying thoughts do make sense.
> 
> Look at, I believe it was, Emma24's posts. Assuming they are real, it was postulated early on that she was way more attracted to the guy from her past than her H. She violently denied that was true. Then when past guy shows up at her door she swoons and starts secretly meeting with him.
> 
> I'm not in any way suggesting that this OP would do the same. But for every one who declares "who cares what she did before, she's with you now" I believe this shows that sometimes the past does matter and sometimes the feeling that your W or H would rather be with a past love is valid.


Fair enough. This is a board of troubled marriage. I don't share that situation. Sometimes I am left scratching my head with the things people say. My problems long past were simple compared to these.


----------



## Buddy400

Anon1111 said:


> it's not just about sex, but this is where it resonates for many men.
> 
> you can imagine a different scenario.
> 
> say OP found out that her husband, with prior girlfriends, made a point of asking them how their day was every single day and then sat there and diligently listened while they vented emotionally.
> 
> but with his wife, he has always been too busy to bother doing stuff like this.
> 
> if she was upset by this disparity, would it be reasonable for the husband to say, "Well, that was in the past when I was insecure and wanted to prove to the woman that I deserved her companionship. I'm more self assured today and I realize I don't need to do that anymore."


We've been round and round on that on this board.

Chicks just DO NOT get it.


----------



## Buddy400

Anon Pink said:


> No, actually it doesn't tell me anything other than that he is insecure. If he is secure, he wouldn't ask because he wouldn't care about the answer.
> 
> 
> 
> No, he doesn't have a point and no I do not have to offer up sex acts to my husband based solely on keeping him ahead of any other lover. It would indicate a real problem if my husband felt entitled to sex acts because I had done with with a prior lover. People change, grow, learn and each relationship is different. To expect a wife to offer up everything she has ever done in order to appease a delicate ego, is the problem.
> 
> 
> 
> On this last part, we are in complete agreement.


See. Even Anon Pink, my hero, doesn't get it.


----------



## Buddy400

pickil65 said:


> Actually that was quiet true all it was, I gave him BJs he enjoyed it, there was never any sex or kissing or any other intimacy's. If that sounds weird to you then oh well.


I think that you're saying that he didn't reciprocate. It was just you blowing him.

See, that would bother the heck out of me. I would have no problem with a mutual FWB relationship in my wife's past.

I'm not saying that I'm right and you're wrong,

I'm just saying that I would have a very hard time dealing with that.

I might be able to explain why if you were interested.


----------



## Anon1111

Gotta jump back in here because this BJ only relationship in the past presents a new dimension. 

I agree with where I think Buddy400 is headed. 

I wonder if your husband knows that this was the character of this relationship. If so it would help explain some of his reaction. 

Many men think that their commitment should entail the highest version of sexual access. Ok, I've made this point repeatedly above. 

With a BJ only relationship, you've shown your husband that you require literally nothing for this kind of access to you. 

Now it's totally your business to have that kind of relationship with a guy. 

But (if your husband knows about it), then there is a strong liklihood that he is comparing and contrasting. 

Other dude offered you literally nothing and received lots of BJs (including the longest duration in your life). 

Hubby offers lifetime commitment and gets something he perceives to be lesser. 

Now you may hate that he would make this type of calculation, but that does not mean he is not making it. 

And you will be unlikely to convince that he shouldn't. This is a natural way of looking at things for guys despite what many other women would try to convince you to believe. 

I don't blame you if you say that this perspective is a myopic way to view relationships, but unavoidable reality for many guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Many guys? No, maybe many insecure guys. I think it is much simpler and everyone is overlooking some of the small tidbits she has dropped.


----------



## Lila

@pickil65, based on some of the replies from men who share your husband's beliefs on the matter, it doesn't sound like there's anything you can do to make this situation better. Sadly, you're damned because you have a sexual history and it cannot be erased. {sigh} 

I was going to suggest marriage counseling but it looks like you've been there, done that, and had poor results.

My second suggestion is that you explain to your H that he's entitled to his feelings but he's not entitled to take them out on you. Ask him if he wants to discuss his feelings like two grown adults. If he chooses instead to continue punishing you with his passive aggressive ways (e.g. silent treatment), remove yourself from his company and go do something that makes you happy. Like any good tantrum, it'll stop when there's no audience. If he chooses to discuss his feelings, listen to what he says but don't let him make you feel like you should be sorry for having had a life before him.


----------



## Goobertron

The past is the past and can't be changed but maybe there's a way to avoid bringing up things which may upset him and maybe even try to soothe him with a story about the two of you from the past you both like. I think your husband's ego is bruised and he's bored from not working and having too much time to delve into past things, regrets etc. It goes beyond just working, its about not having a role and a purpose to buoy the self-esteem. He may be starting arguments now because his self-worth is low and he feels like he's in competition with you.


----------



## ConanHub

Goobertron said:


> The past is the past and can't be changed but maybe there's a way to avoid bringing up things which may upset him and maybe even try to soothe him with a story about the two of you from the past you both like. I think your husband's ego is bruised and he's bored from not working and having too much time to delve into past things, regrets etc. It goes beyond just working, its about not having a role and a purpose to buoy the self-esteem. He may be starting arguments now because his self-worth is low and he feels like he's in competition with you.


I love your name!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TAMAT

Personal wrote, *You've done nothing wrong, unfortunately your husband can't help being a d1ck!

Your sex life before your husband belongs to you not him.* 

What Pickil did wrong was to allow communication with an ex lover when she was married to her H, but she did it with no ill intentions. 

I would have to wonder if her H had found out his exW was cheating on him by reading an email or finding some sort of communications and when he saw that facebook post said to himself OMG it's happening again.

Another issue with this friend, OM to her husband, is that Pickil still views him as a friend and not a threat to her marriage.

I also tend to believe that this friend was looking to reignite the nice arrangement he had with Pickil and was waiting for a opening.

Were this my W however, I think I would have instead encouraged her to lead him along, then document the communications and busted him to the OMW and others.

Tamat


----------



## jdawg2015

Personal said:


> @pickil65 You've done nothing wrong, unfortunately your husband can't help being a d1ck!
> 
> Your sex life before your husband belongs to you not him.


That simple huh? So now she should tell her husband he's being a **** right? OP, try it and see how wrong that approach is.

I'm a guy. I can tell you right now the fact that you keep the boyfriend (which you are terming now a "friend") is a factor here. 

Make no mistake about it. The same ex lover you were giving a 45 minute BJ to also you allowed to post on your childrens FB photo. I can't possible think how more wrong that could be.

I'm serious. You need to make that guy disappear from every facet of your life and show your husband that you have done so.

The fact that you are keeping tabs on him indirectly it troubling to your marriage. 

I would be very sensitive to his ego (you don't have to give a 45 minute BJ) but making it clear he is #1 in your eyes through words and actions is the ONLY way to fix it. He'll simmer down but you need to help him get over it. Just saying grow up or calling him a **** or insecure will feed his issue.

I just realized this is in the ladies section. I'm a guy. I'm pretty secure with partners past but I can tell you the FB thing would REALLY have me upset. I'd even directly ask him about it. He may even deny it bothers him because you seem to be cornering him into the "you are insecure" camp so he'll deny.

Tell him that guy is never going to be part of your life and back it up. Right now you are not being solid.. Sorry. But it's the way it works.

Sorry personal but I must strongly disagree with you about the past. If I want to know a partners past I expect to get answer. Up to me to know what I can and can not handle. Only way to fix this is the wife's actions. Not about right and wrong now. It's emotions and feelings. They aren't always rational....


----------



## lifeistooshort

Part of me thinks OP's hb is acting like a bratty jerk but part of me also thinks she has poor boundaries. 

You don't need to report your every move to your hb but ex lovers have no business in your life, and you shouldn't have needed your hb to make a stink before you cut that guy off.

You are paying for the sins of his ex, which really isn't fair. What if you told him that your jerk ex demanded oral so that means none for him? That wouldn't fly.

But you need better boundaries. You're married now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jdawg2015

lifeistooshort said:


> Part of me thinks OP's hb is acting like a bratty jerk but part of me also thinks she has poor boundaries.
> 
> *You don't need to report your every move to your hb but ex lovers have no business in your life, and you shouldn't have needed your hb to make a stink before you cut that guy off.
> *
> You are paying for the sins of his ex, which really isn't fair. What if you told him that your jerk ex demanded oral so that means none for him? That wouldn't fly.
> 
> But you need better boundaries. You're married now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yup. And now that same guys is the 45 minute BJ guy. 

I think most people would feel a pinch from it. I'd have more issues with the fact she kept him around and in FB than the BJ.


----------



## TAMAT

Pickli,

BTW I think you have handled this very well, you were honest, detailed, and you don't seem to have concealed anything even before marriage. One thing that is deadly to your marriage is if your H finds additional details your lied about, this is know as trickle truth.

To be fair most people, myself included, don't have any idea that there are almost comically cliche list of behaviors which lead to affairs. Keeping any form of contact with an ex being a major one. 

If Pickli didn't see her having OM as a risk factor, I can say I probably wouldn't have before 2008 either. I let my W take OM-3 places and allowed him to give her gifts, I was going crazy inside, and only finding MB website gave me the insight to kill it. I would have continued to think, "well they are just friends"

I also agree that the details of the sex are secondary and the H might never have asked had there been no contact.

Tamat


----------



## jdawg2015

I think thread by the OP where she previously asked H it she could flirt with another guy would make even the most confident guy insecure with his wife.

Sheesh. this is almost making wonder if OP is a troll.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/293106-dream-cheating.html


----------



## Anon1111

What is up with this past is irrelevant nonsense?

If OP's husband had 6 ex wives that he neglected to tell OP about, would that be irrelevant?

There is clearly a lot lurking in OPs past that should cause concern for her husband. 

Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Her past is bleeding into her present! There is no wall between the two. 

If OP wishes to get beyond it, she should be an open book and let her husband decide for himself if he's cool with it. 

He might not be. Just like she might not be if he revealed he had an ex wife that he still sends christmas cards to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Buddy400

pickil65,

It doesn't really matter who's "right" or "wrong" about your past.

If he is wrong to be so insecure about your past and you've done nothing wrong, you have two choices:

1) Stand your ground no matter what. Refuse to cater to his insecurities.

2) Try to work with him to reduce his insecurities without going so far as humiliating yourself.

It seems like you're happy with the marriage in general.

So, I'd suggest the second.


----------



## Omego

Buddy400 said:


> 2) Try to work with him to reduce his insecurities without going so far as humiliating yourself.
> 
> It seems like you're happy with the marriage in general.
> 
> So, I'd suggest the second.


:iagree: This is it. The H is obviously painfully insecure. Asking that question was a way to torment himself. He probably already had feelings of inadequacy, as others have already said.

It's not as simple as telling him: "it was the past, get over it". If he was a confident person he wouldn't have even bothered to ask. Who would want to know that stuff anyway? How can there be anything remotely positive about visualizing your H or W having sex with someone else?!?


----------



## Decorum

pickil65 said:


> Actually that was quiet true all it was, I gave him BJs he enjoyed it, there was never any sex or kissing or any other intimacy's. If that sounds weird to you then oh well.


And you chose a screen name that images a cucumber long dipped in brine?
That is seriously ironic, or incipiently and intentionally humorous - bravo!

Insecurity is fear based. Fear is good, fear is manly when it leads to behaviors of leadership and protection, it's intended to spur action. 
Focus should be on the actual threat and possible resoultions.

Good article on the 5 fears.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainsnacks/201203/the-only-5-fears-we-all-share

Giving someone control over you by expecting them to take actions to alieviate your fear looks weak and for a partner to do so is damaging and enabling.

Woman find it unattractive because you look so dependent on them.

Supporting someone as they resolve fear is kind and nuturing.

Unresolved fear breeds anger, obviously.

What is Mr. Jiffy Pickel to do?

Is Mrs. Pickel a threat?

If she engages in behaviors that trigger, then she is not absolved.




pickil11 said:


> So about 6 or 7 years ago I was in a bad place in my life not happy at all and one day I came home and asked my hubby if I could flirt with another guy. OMG right he totally flipped out, I didn't mean anything by it or at least I didn't think I did. Anyways, we worked past it and are still together and pretty much are fine. Every once in a while when he is mad at me he will bring it up for some stupid reason.
> Anyways, I have totally gotten over it or so I thought, we are in a good place I think in our relationship. So about a month ago I started working out of the house and started working on my image again. After my 2 year old was born I started working out of the house and never got dressed up, cared about my makeup or how I looked. I got real fat. Reality hit me when I went back to work out of the home and had to buy all new dress clothes cause nothing fit me.
> I also had to buy all new makeup and I found out that my hubby didn't like how I was doing my makeup so I changed it for him to try to get it to look like it did on our wedding day cause that's his favorite makeup look on me.
> So it seems that the more I start caring about myself and what I look like the more worried and paranoid he is getting that I am not being faithful. In addition apparently the last few nights I have had a couple of dreams, supposing I was talking about the guy from a few years ago, I don't even remember the guys name. But my hubby is bringing it up again.
> I'm really frustrated one that my hubby is bringing it up after all these years and two that I am even dreaming about this guy who means nothing to me, so far as I don't even remember his name.
> My hubby is telling me that I am in a bad place again, but I think it is him because I am not acting like a slob anymore he suddenly thinks I am cheating???
> Any advise how we can get past this issue once and for all so we can get better in our relationship and he appreciates that I want to look good for him not someone else and I am getting dressed up to make myself feel better.



Does she have enough self-awareness to identify and admit to those behaviors?
From her posts. It would appear not, sadly.

Anger meets anger and a downward cycle ensues.

Dont keep the time honored tradition of taking drastic actions to end a relationship, rather than taking them earlier to save it.

Mr. Pickel needs help to develop a rational and a discipline to focus his fear.
1.Taking the necessing actions.
2.Accepting the consequences if his fear is realized.
He needs to address it for his own happiness and the health of his relationships.
He could start with a trusted male friend, his perspectives is so provincial.
He needs to see that his fear is normal and common, but he is handeling it wrong.

My guess is that he does not connect well with other men. There is nothing better for a young man to try/fail/and try again with some "brothers" who are doing the same. You become less guarded that way, more genuine.

Personally I find peace with my partners past because I "believe" in the "whole package" perspective, and your past made you the person you are today mentality.

Imo, you cant reason with your wiring on that level. You have to believe in something that creates balance.

Also not being afraid of moving on or being alone is very empowering.

Living with a partner that demonstrated disinterest or a lack of empathy would be
worse than being alone.

It is within our power to treat out partner well, and if they have the capacity to appreciate it, to show them how much they mean to us.

To do otherwise puts us in a terrible pickle...and that just sucks.

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aine

A lady never tells, that was your first mistake. H do not need to hear about your past exploits period as they have relatively fragile egos.

You have now dug a hole with this one. Your H will not let this go until you both sit down and are honest and direct with one another. You could have cause to be upset about things in his previous marriage if you also wanted to make comparisons etc. Tell him this. Tell him you love him and do not see the need for this comparing and fact finding. He is undermining your relationship and should be focused on building your marriage together and creating new experiences instead of looking at your past.


----------

