# Don’t no what I want anymore



## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

I’ve posted a few times on here now & had some brilliant advice both good & bad.
So quick recap & update, got with my kids mum when we was 16 married at 21 & 6 children together now both 40.
My wife has drank heavily for 16 years the abuse was torture for all to the point we was just existing & in a affection less marriage no love no respect, anyway my wife moved out in to a house I got for her & spent 1000s renovating & furnishing to her taste (I want her to be happy regardless of what’s happened in the past) I started to see the women I was having an emotional affair with towards the end of my relationship with my wife, I say emotional because there was no physical contact until my wife moved out then that changed 3 months after my wife moved out things got physical with the new women.
the 1st women I’ve touched other than my wife in over 20 years it took some beating from my wife for me to lose what I felt for her, I truly loved her with all my heart to the point I never stepped out of line in all those years in fear of losing her, I couldn’t imagine life with out her until it happened like a force has come & some major shifts happened, when she moved out I lost my self & felt so low I started to take antidepressants for my MADD (mixed anxiety depressive disorder)& PTSD
When my wife moved out me & the other women started dating again & waited to sleep with each other until recently but I don’t seem to be able to perform properly as much as she enjoys it all I can think of when we are having sex is my wife she’s there in my mind while I’m in another woman then it’s gone like it just won’t work no matter what I try. That’s not why I’m on here either I’m just putting as much info as I can, my problem now is my wife is hurting because I left her & it hurts me to see & hear, when she asks me for another chance I keep telling her I need time & space to think because I don’t want to upset her (she’s heavily scared head to toe from severe self harm) & worried she might harm her self again, she’s drinking less than half of what she’s was during our marriage & looks & seems so much better in her self (it’s nice to see) she’s cooking & cleaning again, up early, motivated. She’s telling me she’s sorry for everything & just wants me to be with her again & the changes she’s made are for me (I told her they should be for herself) she’s genuinely trying & I genuinely feel like the worst man alive. I don’t want to put my arms around her anymore, I don’t want sex with her anymore, but I keep missing her so much but when I’m with the other women I don’t miss her & the other women treats me in a way I’ve always craved (arms around me touching me telling me nice things)my wife hasn’t ever treated me that way & I still can’t let her no about the other woman in fear of her harming her self, I’m scared of my wife finding out that I’ve moved on & part of me thinks I still want my wife.
But the other women will be genuinely heart broke & so would I, I feel like I owe my marriage another chance even though that’s all I’ve ever done & don’t think I would be happy if I did ( just comfy) 
My heads a mess I’ve got what I always wanted in a way but miss what i no don’t no where or what to do anymore


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Relationships that start as affairs or rebounds rarely work out. You are rushing into this relationship when you are clearly not ready for it. It's not fair to the woman you are seeing, or to yourself. 

As for your wife, she has been doing better for what? A month? She's an alcoholic, you can't trust that she's suddenly better ans jump back into a relationship with her. If you find someone else in the meantime, tough titties. She has had 16 years to get her **** together. 

You need to take some time to yourself, though. What you're doing right now isn't fair to anyone.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

bobert said:


> Relationships that start as affairs or rebounds rarely work out. You are rushing into this relationship when you are clearly not ready for it. It's not fair to the woman you are seeing, or to yourself.
> 
> As for your wife, she has been doing better for what? A month? She's an alcoholic, you can't trust that she's suddenly better ans jump back into a relationship with her. If you find someone else in the meantime, tough titties. She has had 16 years to get her **** together.
> 
> You need to take some time to yourself, though. What you're doing right now isn't fair to anyone.


You’re right I’m not ready for anything with anyone I need time to find myself & I’m worried about hurting people & being hurt my self I no the best thing to do is let them both go gently as possible & I think I need to do that asap thank you for the advice


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> You’re right I’m not ready for anything with anyone I need time to find myself & I’m worried about hurting people & being hurt my self I no the best thing to do is let them both go gently as possible & I think I need to do that asap thank you for the advice


Unfortunately, hurting others is inevitable at times. The best thing to do is be a gentleman about it and avoid hurting them further for no reason. That also means don't be so gentle that you lead them on. In the long run that will just hurt more.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dude. That was a sad story. 

I think you need to divorce your wife and tell her to seek professional help. And you are right, she needs to want to get better for herself, not you. 

As for the other woman, brother, I get it. When you are in a marriage where your wife shows you no affection, getting it elsewhere would probably feel amazing, but you aren't in the right head space right now. I'd slow down that relationship until you are divorced and healed.


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