# Should he contact OW to disclose the real truth?



## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Is it beneficial for my husband and us if he contacts the OW by email to repeat the details to her that he has to me about the regret he has about the 1 time contact with her while he was out of town and the brief email contact he had with her for a couple months after. You can read the threads I posted earlier this year about this, or here is a bit of the story:

The reality of the fact that although he very much enjoyed her undivided attention and company during the evening that he met her, and he was receiving attention that had been missing which eventually led to him inviting her to his hotel room. They made out briefly, didn't have sex ( I talked to her on one occasion and it was quite clear that it was never an option for her) as he said none of the physical interaction was anticipated and that sex was definitely not an option ......He was never looking to leave our marriage nor was he ever interested in the OW in a romantic or sexual way, but admitted he certainly got his ego stroked, and did cheat. The 2 and a half months of email contact after he returned home were platonic and he naively felt that communicating with her this was would prove to himself that it was only what he ever wanted it to be which was a friendship....but realized that this was unrealistic as they crossed the line initially. He was quite relieved to discover that he was no longer interested in a friendship with her and that it all felt wrong.

So to make a long story short, and after months of he and I talking about his frame of mind he always maintained that all he ever wanted was me and us to the best that we could be as there had been some distance at times... and the conflicting lonliness he was feeling for some time at the time that he met her....he concluded after much regret, tears and angst that wanted to do whatever I think would be best for my closure.

We have ultimately discovered some of the things that were in the way for us and have been on the best terms with our marriage and communication.

I told him after reading some info online about one of the steps that the spouse that cheated should do is to have an open disclosure to the OW. Now he did email her right away when he finally disclosed all the details to me 3 months later. He showed me the final email as well as the other emails, and his final one was a brief statement saying he was no longer contacting her and that he should be sharing such details with his wife whom he loved very much. Part of me would have liked for him to have been more explicit with her about how he was in effect playing a role with her that was not who is he is in order to achieve an attentive result. He was not actively interested in a real relationship with her, but in essence using her to meet a need. He has disclosed all this to me.

It comes down to justice in my mind....it doesn't seem fair to me that she gets to carry on merrily with her active social life where she lives....without realizing the impact(on me, him and us) of her role in the brief time she met and then corresponded with my husband....friend or not. I'd like her to know that she got about as much as she was entitled to...nothing. Sounds vindictive I know, but it's more about knowing that there are consequences for your actions...and hers were that the person who portrayed interest in her was not..... and is ashamed and regretful and wishes he could take it back and should have talked to me about the issues he was having with himself and us. 6 months have passed now since he ended his communication with her so I feel the window was missed for him to be more frank with her and that I will have to deal with my feelings of her getting off without some responsibility. He feels he would do this if it would help with closure for me. 

What do you all think? Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, I can't believe how insightful and helpful people have been at this forum for my previous posts on this situation. Its very valuable to me!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I think you are rug sweeping your H's A.

FYI, I have not read your other thread.

He should have consequence. That is missing in this thread of yours.

How did you discover the A?

I dont believe that the A was not physical. Probably both of them are jointly lying to you.

Is the OW married?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I never heard of that, is it possible you are confusing this with a no contact letter? A no contact letter is asking her to stop all forms of communications.

I see no point on having him rewrite the affair to her, that's a bit dangerous if you ask me. If you are trying to get passed it why contact her?

It also seems like you have been tricked truth. Read up on that you can search this website or even google it. I agree with Angryandused, it seems like you are rug sweeping and that no way to reconcile. What consequences did your husband have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

He also invited her to his room, that means he was willingly open to having sex, I find it hard to believe they didn't but even so, by him asking her it means he wanted to .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

ocean wind said:


> Is it beneficial for my husband and us if he contacts the OW by email to repeat the details to her that he has to me about the regret he has about the 1 time contact with her while he was out of town and the brief email contact he had with her for a couple months after.
> 
> in my opinion, no. I don't think it accomplishes anything but maybe giving you a probable false sense of security.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The OW does not care about you in anyway. Contacting her to educate her on your pain won't do anything positive as she doesn't care.

I'm guessing she already knows he was married before they "made out"?


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> The OW does not care about you in anyway. Contacting her to educate her on your pain won't do anything positive as she doesn't care.
> 
> I'm guessing she already knows he was married before they "made out"?


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Yes you are right, he was opening himself to sex. He maintains that wasn't his plan and he has been very honest about all the details....and I guess it's a hard sell in writing at this forum, just that I've known him for 22yrs and know his character. Believe me we've been around the block many times over the months about the details...and his consequences have been that he has seen the pain he has caused. He understands that biologically speaking, he was definitely ready for sex whether he knew it or not, but he takes comfort in the fact that he said didn't desire it and that it wasn't the intended outcome nor the outcome. He said he always felt safe knowing that that was not an option. Naïve and shortsighted and dangerous that thinking was.
When he decided to use this woman to work out issues he was having with himself and issues we were having, he messed that up. He knows that is having to deal with it. Not to worry, I'm not "rug sweeping" or under any illusion that he was innocent and she the perpetrator. I also have a role in the issues he was dealing with as I stated in my first thread in Jan. In many ways I should have seen this coming, but feel fortunate that more that could have happened here did not. But....no matter the issues we may have been having and my role in them, I did not deserve this and he has told me that many times now. 

Like I said, there's a part of me that would like for her to hear the truth about the fact that she never mattered in the big picture. Probably naïve of me I suppose to think she would have any feeling about knowing this.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

On almost every thread I read, the term fog is used in describing the WS. I don't understand this and have never quite agreed with it. People know exactly what they are doing when they are doing it. Swept up, yes, but fog, no.

When do I see a fog? BS are usually living in "the fog" in these situation. BS (including myself) hate to see what their WS has done. 

This seems to be happening to Ocean in the tone of her question. 

Ocean, everyone needs to come to terms with what they're WS did. If you feel you're on the path to healing, great, but writing letters to other women, if you think about it, does not accomplish anything. If OW is married, notifying her husband might curb her adulterous behavior. 

That said, if it makes you feel better, send the letter to her. This is about YOU feeling better.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Rugs said:


> ocean wind said:
> 
> 
> > Is it beneficial for my husband and us if he contacts the OW by email to repeat the details to her that he has to me about the regret he has about the 1 time contact with her while he was out of town and the brief email contact he had with her for a couple months after.
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you might as well send a letter off to Santa at the same time... It will have about as much effect on anyone else. But if it makes you feel better, go ahead. 

C


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

mablenc said:


> He also invited her to his room, that means he was willingly open to having sex, I find it hard to believe they didn't but even so, by him asking her it means he wanted to .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

PBear said:


> I think you might as well send a letter off to Santa at the same time... It will have about as much effect on anyone else. But if it makes you feel better, go ahead.
> 
> C


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have to accept it's unlikely that you will ever fully know the truth. You will know what he says and what she says but whether that is the whole truth is another story.

When a betrayed spouse decides to R they need to start the marriage over because there is just no way to go back and make the other marriage they had "right". That includes letting go of the idea that you will ever know all the details. Even a poly isn't a guarantee of that. 

Only the two of them know for certain what really happened. And cheaters are reluctant to tell the truth. I'm sure you would like her to suffer but unless she has a spouse or SO to expose to, that isn't likely.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

it may seem silly to some....but if you haven't been in this situation before there isn't a guide book about what one should or shouldn't do. naive as it may seem....the idea of the person who put himself out there in the first place...my husband....having to confess in a way to her that he was using her to solve his issues is #1 the consequence he should have to deal with, and #2. puts her in the place of where she belongs...nowhere.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You have to accept it's unlikely that you will ever fully know the truth. You will know what he says and what she says but whether that is the whole truth is another story.
> 
> When a betrayed spouse decides to R they need to start the marriage over because there is just no way to go back and make the other marriage they had "right". That includes letting go of the idea that you will ever know all the details. Even a poly isn't a guarantee of that.
> 
> Only the two of them know for certain what really happened. And cheaters are reluctant to tell the truth. I'm sure you would like her to suffer but unless she has a spouse or SO to expose to, that isn't likely.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

This is good advice I think. It's difficult to live in the space of trying to get to the bottom of everything before I can move on. I may have or I may not have found out all details. Ultimately I have to decide if it's good enough for me!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think you are misplacing your pain and anger,your husband is the one who cheated, he abused your trust, he broke his commitment to you. She was just the skank who agreed to mingle with a married man. People want to see their spouses as victims that the AP came and seduce the innocent victim. It's hardly that way, look who made the invite to the hotel room.

You can send your letter, she will most likey enjoy the fact that you are still hurting. You also run the risk of her back lashing at you. What if there is more to the story and she decides to give you the details in writing or photographs? 

I feel your reconciliation process is not as well as you think, try to find why you feel this way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ocean wind said:


> This is good advice I think. It's difficult to live in the space of trying to get to the bottom of everything before I can move on. I may have or I may not have found out all details. Ultimately I have to decide if it's good enough for me!


Yes, I know well how difficult it is to live in the space of trying to get to the bottom of everything before moving on. I learned the hard way that my now ex-husband, who always seemed so very truthful, was anything but truthful no matter how hard I tried to make sense of that entire mess. 

I'll keep good thoughts for you.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

ocean wind; said:


> it may seem silly to some....but if you haven't been in this situation before there isn't a guide book about what one should or shouldn't do. naive as it may seem....the idea of the person who put himself out there in the first place...my husband....having to confess in a way to her that he was using her to solve his issues is #1 the consequence he should have to deal with, and #2. puts her in the place of where she belongs...nowhere.


Like others have said, if it makes you feel better to have your husband do this, go ahead.

If you want to R why would you want him in contact with the OW at all? Also, I'm not sure the OW would believe she was just being used. The thing about those who involve themselves in affairs is they not only lie to others but to themselves as well. If she already has it in her mind the "real reason" for their dalliance (whatever she already believes), you'll be hard pressed to convince her of anything else. Or she'll tell herself you are making your WS say that to her and he really feels otherwise (whatever she already believes as the reason for their affair). People generally believe what they want to believe. 

Even if she actually does listen and is convinced of what he would say to her, she isn't likely to react in a way that would indicate as much. My WS's xOW would deny their affair to others to this day even though my WS won't deny it, even though there's undeniable proof (VAR in WS's car).....I was still the "crazy b*tch making things up to ruin her life." Projection, more lying, and denial. I know she knows the truth but I could frankly care less of what she thinks or wants to project.

After the no contact letter, absolute silence from WS's camp is what is advised. If she is abiding by no contact already, why give her an opportunity and a reason, in her mind, to resume contact? He tells her she was just being used, she finds a way to get a hold of him behind your back to seek assurance from him that this was all being driven by you and she really is special to him, blah blah blah.

IMO, it's never a good idea to re-open certain closed doors. Good luck.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

At this stage - Exposure is necessary. Sounds like they have you under a gag-order and handcuffed. You know what your guts are telling you.


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