# Old G-Friend contacted me on facebook



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Ok so about a month ago ,an ex g friend that totally broke my heart 20 years ago, friends me on FB. We shot the breeze in a few PMs, and she started asking me where I work, and stuff. I told her I didnt think we should be friends on FB since we were never anything but lovers , not friends, in the past, and to be honest, I kinda felt a little uncomfortable about it, since Im married, and shes married with kids now. I told her I would rather she just remember me the way I was in HS. She said I was being "weird", so I just nicely told her goodbye and didnt accept her friend request, since her brother and husband, know who I am, and I didnt think it was appropriate. 

So then, about 3 weeks later (2days ago), I guess she was looking at some pictures on FB of some artwork I did ,at my place of business. She sent me another PM, saying she liked my work, and wanted to come to my shop, with another friend who wanted to buy my artwork, and she would come along to see me I guess. I told her that I didnt think it would be a good idea that we see each other in person, and that I didnt really see the point of seeing eachother just to say hi. I didnt write this> but Im thinking , Im married, shes married, what does she want to see me for? We could chit chat on line, or on the phone even, if all she wanted was to catch up, right? 

So she sends me back an angry PM saying, she doesnt appreciate me ,insinuating things about her intentions towards me, and that she just wanted to be friends. I told her I was sorry, and that it was about me, not her, and that I hoped there was no hard feelings. Now I kinda feel dumb, and Im wondering if I overreacted. I didnt mean to insinuate, she wanted to hook up w/ me, or anything, I just felt really insecure about her coming to my place of biz. I think alot of it, is my own insecurities, as far as not measuring up, to what I want her to remember me as, she looks like she didnt age at all, but I look totally different. Im also kinda troubled by the fact, that a girl I knew 20 years ago ,could dredge up emotions in me like that. I love my wife, and would never act on any feelings I had, even if this woman wanted me to, but does this mean I still have feeling for this person? Or am i just remembering the pain associated w/ the break up?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Ok so about a month ago ,an ex g friend that totally broke my heart 20 years ago, friends me on FB. We shot the breeze in a few PMs, and she started asking me where I work, and stuff. I told her I didnt think we should be friends on FB since we were never anything but lovers , not friends, in the past, and to be honest, I kinda felt a little uncomfortable about it, since Im married, and shes married with kids now. I told her I would rather she just remember me the way I was in HS. She said I was being "weird", so I just nicely told her goodbye and didnt accept her friend request, since her brother and husband, know who I am, and I didnt think it was appropriate.
> 
> So then, about 3 weeks later (2days ago), I guess she was looking at some pictures on FB of some artwork I did ,at my place of business. She sent me another PM, saying she liked my work, and wanted to come to my shop, with another friend who wanted to buy my artwork, and she would come along to see me I guess. I told her that I didnt think it would be a good idea that we see each other in person, and that I didnt really see the point of seeing eachother just to say hi. I didnt write this> but Im thinking , Im married, shes married, what does she want to see me for? We could chit chat on line, or on the phone even, if all she wanted was to catch up, right?
> 
> So she sends me back an angry PM saying, she doesnt appreciate me ,insinuating things about her intentions towards me, and that she just wanted to be friends. I told her I was sorry, and that it was about me, not her, and that I hoped there was no hard feelings. Now I kinda feel dumb, and Im wondering if I overreacted. I didnt mean to insinuate, she wanted to hook up w/ me, or anything, I just felt really insecure about her coming to my place of biz. I think alot of it, is my own insecurities, as far as not measuring up, to what I want her to remember me as, she looks like she didnt age at all, but I look totally different. Im also kinda troubled by the fact, that a girl I knew 20 years ago ,could dredge up emotions in me like that. I love my wife, and would never act on any feelings I had, even if this woman wanted me to, but does this mean I still have feeling for this person? Or am i just remembering the pain associated w/ the break up?



Well she totally broke your heart so I would think you still having feelings for her. You loved her, I don't think that ever really goes away unless that person does something totally evil. I would have done the same as you. If for nothing but keeping temptation at bay. Her strong reaction and insistence on rekindling some sort of relationship with you makes me go hmmmmmmm as Arsenio would say. Sure she does not "intend" for anything to happen. She's just meeting up with an old love. I'm guessing she's bored at home and thinking of what could have been. You know her husband and brother so it's peculiar that she all of a sudden wants to be friends and wants to bring a friend down to look at Art. LOL. This is all IMO. Stay Away. I would also tell my wife about the contact but that's just me.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks for the insight Kobo, just to clarify, I dont really know her husband ,he was a grade behind me in school, and she says he knows me, but I dont remember him, and I havent seen her brother in 20years. He didnt like me much.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I think you did the wise thing franklinfx. She can be upset all she wants but here are the facts. 

20 years ago she broke your heart. 

You got married and promised 100% of your affection and loyalty to your wife. 

She got married and promised 100% of her affection and loyalty to her husband. 

She tried to friend you on facebook. You were polite enough to say hello but once she started asking personal questions, you said "no thank you" and someone with honorable intentions would have said, "Cool! It's been nice catching up with you. Bye" and probably never contacted you again with the possible exception of asking to be your Farmville neighbor :lol: 

SHE did not honor your request to back off even though you told her you were uncomfortable. Instead, she continued to look at your facebook page and snooped around enough to figure out what you do for a living and where. She covered her semi-stalking behavior by saying she wanted to become a customer and bringing a friend yada yada yada, but that doesn't mitigate that you say goodbye and didn't want to be friends, and she continued to pursue you. This does not show intentions of leaving you alone!

Next, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much." You were firm but polite in your no, saying you didn't think it would be a good idea that to see each other in person and didn't really see the point, and yet immediately she jumps to insinuation? If my intentions were pure, I would have said, "Well can I buy them online or arrange the transaction some other way so we don't meet? I'm cool with that." I would not even CONSIDER insinuations so Hmmm... 

Finally you ask: "... does this mean I still have feeling for this person? Or am i just remembering the pain associated w/ the break up?" You were young and she hurt you, and now she's being cranky. Since you didn't end it with her, you will probably always have some feelings for her, but some of those feelings are positive memories and some are negative associations with hurting you--then and now. I personally say it's a little like when an ex cheats and you and divorces you. You didn't want it, you learn to live with it and move on, but for the rest of your life you have some feelings for the person. As married people though, 100% of our affection and loyalty is to our spouse...period. No one else.


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

You were very wise setting your distance. I would even go as far as to not even respond to her PMs.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Ok so about a month ago ,an ex g friend that totally broke my heart 20 years ago, friends me on FB. We shot the breeze in a few PMs, and she started asking me where I work, and stuff. I told her I didnt think we should be friends on FB since we were never anything but lovers , not friends, in the past, and to be honest, I kinda felt a little uncomfortable about it, since Im married, and shes married with kids now. I told her I would rather she just remember me the way I was in HS. She said I was being "weird", so I just nicely told her goodbye and didnt accept her friend request, since her brother and husband, know who I am, and I didnt think it was appropriate.
> 
> So then, about 3 weeks later (2days ago), I guess she was looking at some pictures on FB of some artwork I did ,at my place of business. She sent me another PM, saying she liked my work, and wanted to come to my shop, with another friend who wanted to buy my artwork, and she would come along to see me I guess. I told her that I didnt think it would be a good idea that we see each other in person, and that I didnt really see the point of seeing eachother just to say hi. I didnt write this> but Im thinking , Im married, shes married, what does she want to see me for? We could chit chat on line, or on the phone even, if all she wanted was to catch up, right?
> 
> So she sends me back an angry PM saying, she doesnt appreciate me ,insinuating things about her intentions towards me, and that she just wanted to be friends. I told her I was sorry, and that it was about me, not her, and that I hoped there was no hard feelings. Now I kinda feel dumb, and Im wondering if I overreacted. I didnt mean to insinuate, she wanted to hook up w/ me, or anything, I just felt really insecure about her coming to my place of biz. I think alot of it, is my own insecurities, as far as not measuring up, to what I want her to remember me as, she looks like she didnt age at all, but I look totally different. Im also kinda troubled by the fact, that a girl I knew 20 years ago ,could dredge up emotions in me like that. I love my wife, and would never act on any feelings I had, even if this woman wanted me to, but does this mean I still have feeling for this person? Or am i just remembering the pain associated w/ the break up?


This forum will do that to ya!! Make you freaking paranoid imo!!

My wife is friends with a ONS who also was one of my closest friends in college, but you know how you are when you are 20. We hang out once every couple of months because we have a history it's fun reminisce...."Where did your hair go? Remember when we said how old we would be at 25!!"

There are a few people from our past who we have caught up with on FB and met out etc. Don't always assume people are looking for a friday night freak party!! I trust my wife 10000000% kids, a house, shared $$$, cars, dreams, etc will do that to ya.

Maybe she just really wanted to be friends? Have a link to a past I can relate to that. If she really came onto you that would be one thing......and this again proves how men think different then women.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks for the thoughtful replys:smthumbup: Just for the record, I wasnt suggesting she was trying to hook up, i just didnt see the point of her wanting to visit me, and I was a little disappointed in myself for letting her get in my head like that. I guess its true that you never really forget those feelings. Its amazing how we can hold on to that stuff after so many years. That said, im glad I have my wife to keep me grounded.

Anyway, the ex GF sent me back another PM tonight, saying she wasnt mad at me, and that she has good memories of me. Ill be honest and say, i enjoyed talking to her, but Im not sure if I should stay in contact online with her, I dont want to disrespect my wife.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

I'm still inclined to believe that she was/is fishing.

Even if it is completely innocent on both sides of the fence,
_now_ , maintaining communication with her runs a very high risk of an emotional affair starting.This is exactly how many EA's begin, in innocence........then it becomes like the analogy of the frog in the pot of water that slowly gets heated up---by the time you realize it, you're already in deep.

why even take a chance of messing up your M? Even if your wife trusts you implicitly,and tells you that she's okay with you reforging that friendship, my guess is that somewhere in the back of her mind, she'd be uncomfortable knowing that you were talking with a former lover.

Is the friendship worth doing anything to cause your W to worry?If you're still unsure about whether to maintain contact online, please think about those questions.....Put it on the scales............


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Unless your wife knows about it and is 100% OK with you keeping in touch with this other woman, don't do it. If it's something you have to hide, then you know it's not the right thing to do.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you did the right thing, i actually terminated my FB account because of stuff like that. i realized it just wasnt necessary to chat with people i havent seen in 30+ years.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

jitterbug said:


> I'm still inclined to believe that she was/is fishing.
> 
> Even if it is completely innocent on both sides of the fence,
> _now_ , maintaining communication with her runs a very high risk of an emotional affair starting.


 So true! I found myself thinking about her almost nonstop this weekend and I felt very guilty about. Thats why I was so against her coming to see me. I think its all just alot of residual feelings being dredged up in a short period of time. Just the short PMs themselves brought me back to a time that I often think about, and wish I could re-live, this stuff didnt use to bother me, but now that Im pushing 40, I find myself looking back more than forward. In my mind, I know my wife is the one I belong with, and that this X GF is probably nothing like the 16yo girl I spent everyday with for a year, when I was 18, but just the fact that we both share these special memories, makes me feel a special connection to her. I know its not real though.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

Glad to hear you're keeping your wits about you and your priorities straight.

So many men and women don't.They stroll heedlessly down "Remember When....Lane'....which leads to "What If" Town, which lies smack in the middle of Fantasy Land.

Many get lost.........
and lose sight of what's important in the present.

Yep, exes and former lovers are exes for a reason. It's very rare that a friendship can be maintained without causing stress on the present relationship.


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

It is hard to deal with the one that got away and broke your heart. I think you were wise to keep the distance, it could have been over reacting, but you never know. It sounds like you may be a bit unsure about yourself. I think you had your wifes feelings in mind and that is a good thing.


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

To continue, your wife is all that matters, this womans feelings really do not.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Of course your mind is full of her now but as time passes this WILL subside as you continue to have no further contact with the ex GF. IMO you did precisely the right thing for your marriage. I'm sure I'm not the only one who would hope their spouse would react the same way in your situation. :smthumbup:

Better to be regretting overreacting now than to end up regretting sliding into an EA or PA in the months to come.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I must say though ,Im feeling a little guilty reading that I did the right thing, yeah I insisted she not visit me but deep down inside, I dont know that I could resist her if she did. I guess im no better than the average cheater, I just luckily never had the right temptation


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Im feeling a little guilty reading that I did the right thing, yeah I insisted she not visit me but deep down inside, I dont know that I could resist her if she did. I guess im no better than the average cheater, I just luckily never had the right temptation


You did the right thing by not allowing temptation to get in your face and IMO you don't have to feel guilty about nipping this in the bud. I bet if things were the other way round and your wife had done what you did you would be congratulating her and not thinking she should be feeling guilty!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Thanks everyone for the kind words. I must say though ,Im feeling a little guilty reading that I did the right thing, yeah I insisted she not visit me but deep down inside, I dont know that I could resist her if she did. I guess im no better than the average cheater, I just luckily never had the right temptation


You had the temptation and you denied yourself. Doesn't come much better than that. That's what it's all about. Temptations everywhere, all over the place, doesn't mean we have to give into it.

Give yourself a pat on the back for having good values and beliefs and for doing the right thing.

Bob


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Ok its been almost a week since Ive heard from her ,and since then, I havent gone one minute without thinking about her. Ive been constantly listening to sad old ballads, and I even drew a picture of her in my free time at work:loser: I also have almost no feelings towards my wife at the moment and I feel like a complete POS for it. I pray this girl never emails me again but I still find myself checking it every day to see if she did. Whats wrong with me?:banghead:


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Ok its been almost a week since Ive heard from her ,and since then, I havent gone one minute without thinking about her. Ive been constantly listening to sad old ballads, and I even drew a picture of her in my free time at work:loser: I also have almost no feelings towards my wife at the moment and I feel like a complete POS for it. I pray this girl never emails me again but I still find myself checking it every day to see if she did. Whats wrong with me?:banghead:


I really hope she doesn't contact you but think you now need to contemplate long and hard about what might happen if she does. Really think about what you feel INCLINED to do, and what the short term and long term positives and negatives are for this course of action. Then decide what you will actually do and let us know your train of thought and what you conclude. 

Also can you explain about "almost no feelings towards my wife at the moment" and how were things before the ex contacted you?


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Franklin- I snooped through some of your other threads just to see what it was that was going on in your marriage to be so tempted by an x on fb. Since my h had a fb acct and had many x gf on there. Not sure if he had anything going on w/ any of them, but now i wonder if he isnt doing this :banghead: too! I will admit that i'm not the most affectionate w/ him, but i tell ya, if he did the things for me that you have described doing for your w (picking wildflowers, dinner, ect.) I would be appreciative!!!:corkysm60:

I would love to get the 'butterfly affect" too. But people out there just scare me a little, don't know if it would be worth it.

And to top it off you like:cat: How can she resist you:

Hang in there!
Stumble


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Avacado- to answer your question, my lack of feelings for my wife stems from her absolute lack of passion. she has lost all sense of femininity, and she walks, talks, and dress's like a man:scratchhead: its a total turn off. she hasnt even kissed me hello when I come home in years, she just says "hey babe did we get any mail"  she doesnt even sit next to me on the sofa during our sat. night netflix dates, and she usually falls asleep 20 minutes into it:sleeping: she says she loves me, and is attracted to me, but does that sound like love and passion to you? Thats what I loved about this XGF she use to hang all over me and made me feel like I was a rock star:smthumbup: We were a couple of teenage jack rabbits, cant believe she never got pregers:scratchhead:

Stublealong -thanks for the kind words. when I read posts like yours, it kills me to think about all the lovely ladies out there, that might appreciate a little romance makes me wann take my "appetite" elsewhere:


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

well once again, its saturday night, were 34:17 into the dvd and shes out cold on the other sofa:sleeping: wonder what that XGFs doing right now:scratchhead:


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

FrankinFX - I've had a quick skim through some of your other threads and see there are deep issues with your wife. 

Something stopped you from meeting up with the ex so I'm thinking you must really want to work things out with your wife. Counselling may be your best option.

Also, if you were to make her aware of how the current state of the relationship is making you so vulnerable to the advances of third parties, do you think she would sit up and take notice and try to work things out with you?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Advocado said:


> FrankinFX - I've had a quick skim through some of your other threads and see there are deep issues with your wife.
> 
> Something stopped you from meeting up with the ex so I'm thinking you must really want to work things out with your wife. Counselling may be your best option.
> 
> Also, if you were to make her aware of how the current state of the relationship is making you so vulnerable to the advances of third parties, do you think she would sit up and take notice and try to work things out with you?


Thanks avacoda, I think the real reason I didnt want XGF to see me, was fear of falling in love, and losing her again, as kids were a great match, but I just dont think it was meant to be.

To answer your other question ,no , i dont think my wife gives a damn about me, she is just so self absorbed, w/ what I dont know, she doesnt do, or care about anything, I think she thinks I will never walk out on her, but in the week or so, since I statred this thread, I have really come to realize how empty my marriage is. I guess I just went without any real passion so long, I forgot how much i needed it. Im also thinking about kids alot more these days, somthing my wife has, but cant give me.
At this point Im pretty much planing my get away. I just dont know how she will react, or what to say, I feel really guilty about it, cause I know she is totally oblivious to all this. I almost said "hey maybe we should split up" at the dinner table last night, just to see what she'd say. I think for now, Ill just wait and see if this is all just pass's from my mind.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

As one of the most progressive posters on the forum this what I normally would be okay with type of stuff.....but..... Your tone has changed dramatically from your first posting. I usually don't see a problem with EX's being FB friends or even quasi friends in "real life". My wife and I hang out with one of her EX's once a month or so.......what happened was over 15 years ago.......we're 100% totally different people now.

You went from wanting to respect your wife to almost loathing her in your recent posts. You guys definitely need to work on your marriage if what you said in your last few posts is even 50% accurate!! There are tons of links on the forum to help you with that  "Affaircare posts many of them"

As far as the ex on FB I don't think she was looking for much else than to "catch up". If your marriage was awesome catching up wouldn't be a big deal.........now since you devulge all of these problems your thinking about some "fantasy" of a ex from two DECADES AGO. Strong marriage many things are permissible Weak marriage many things are not!!


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

*Re: Old G-Friend contacted me on facebooko come*



OhGeesh said:


> As one of the most progressive posters on the forum this what I normally would be okay with type of stuff.....but..... Your tone has changed dramatically from your first posting.
> You went from wanting to respect your wife to almost loathing her in your recent posts.


 I dont loath her, like I explained in my last post, Ive just come to realize how little my wife seems to care about me, and how passionless my marriage has become over the years.



> As far as the ex on FB I don't think she was looking for much else than to "catch up".


 then why did she want to come visit me? we already "caught up" weeks earlier and said our "see yas" then she took the initiative and PMed me again, we could have done all the catching up we needed to online. her last PM to me, she even mentioned how fond she was of the sex we use to have and was glad i was "her 1st". her words not mine. she has also since changed her marital status on her FB page:scratchhead:


> If your marriage was awesome


 its not, thats what ive been saying


> now since you devulge all of these problems your thinking about some "fantasy" of a ex from two DECADES AGO.


 Of course its a fantasy, but whats wrong w/ that? I have said repeatedly in this thread that I know it could never work out between us, all the XGF signifies at this point, is the fact that, I have come to the conclusion, that my marriage is only going to get worse over time, question is what do I do now:scratchhead:

Thanks for your thoughts though


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

See the more you post the more you add to the story. I'll reply later.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

OhGeesh said:


> See the more you post the more you add to the story. I'll reply later.


 Just about everything, I said in my last post, except for the 1 sex quote, Ive already said in this thread, I already mentioned ,she wanted to come visit me in my OP, that alone shouldve indicated more than just "catching up" as you said. oh and I just realized 2 day ago she changed her FB marital status. Theres actually alot of stuff she said that I left out, cause I didnt think it was relevant to the general topic.Dont really see what difference it makes though


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Franklin- Stumble again. Following along with this post because we are in kinda the same situation. Passion gone from relationship, feel like i've been taken for granted, and my attempts at rekindling a romance have also been ignored. 

I have recently lost 40 lbs, in hopes that maybe he will notice me again. Like your wife, I had lost interest in my appearance and after having my child didn't care to lose the weight. Not to say your wife is fat, but I didn't really care about 'primping' for my h because I figured what's the use. But, when I actually started to have the feeling of wanting to leave him, I decided maybe I could improve my looks, maybe he would be interested in doing things w/ me and going out again.

Well, it's been almost a year, I am thinner now than before, and what i got from him in response is a slap on the arse, and "lookin good!":scratchhead: Not much has changed in the relationship, and, like you, I feel tempted by come-ons from others. 

My advice for both of us I guess would be to come clean about our feelings. Especially for you because I really think if you just 'give it up' you will start second guessing yourself. You've tried to be romantic and that got ignored. Be direct. Tell her you are not happy, you miss the sexy/fun person she used to be and that you are seriously thinking of a separation. (Maybe you've already done this?) See what her reply is. Maybe you should separate (temporarily) and see if her attitude towards you changes, sometimes you just don't know what you've got 'till it's gone! But, I really don't recommend if you do split, to have an affair, that will get real messy, and you wouldn't of given your wife a chance to 'think' about things and realize what she is missing. Throwing another person into the mix will just show her you moved out only to be with another, and you will look like it was all your fault your marriage failed. Give her a chance to miss you. You were in love with each other at one time, give it one last chance to happen again before calling it quits.
I hope i'm not giving terrible advice, and some other posters may see this as bad advice, but this is just my opinion. But I will follow along with this thread and others because i too am looking for advice for my situation too.
Take care
-stumble


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

stumblealong said:


> My advice for both of us I guess would be to come clean about our feelings. Especially for you because I really think if you just 'give it up' you will start second guessing yourself. You've tried to be romantic and that got ignored. Be direct. Tell her you are not happy, you miss the sexy/fun person she used to be and that you are seriously thinking of a separation. (Maybe you've already done this?) See what her reply is. Maybe you should separate (temporarily) and see if her attitude towards you changes, sometimes you just don't know what you've got 'till it's gone! But, I really don't recommend if you do split, to have an affair, that will get real messy, and you wouldn't of given your wife a chance to 'think' about things and realize what she is missing. Throwing another person into the mix will just show her you moved out only to be with another, and you will look like it was all your fault your marriage failed. Give her a chance to miss you. You were in love with each other at one time, give it one last chance to happen again before calling it quits.


 This is not terrible advice Stumble, but Excellent advice. :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

The issue here is you are a "Nice Guy". And that is great up to a point. This person is obviously still interested in you, "In that Way", and you keep saying things like, "I don't think this is...." Instead try something a bit more abrasive, like, "I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU AS A LOVER OR AS A FRIEND, IF I SAW YOU COME INTO MY SHOP, I WOULDN'T SELL YOU A THING, NOW GO AWAY." With a girl like this, you NEED to be CLEAR. No "This might not be the best idea I think we shouldn't even be friends", but a "I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FRIEND OR YOUR ANYTHING ELSE, NOW GO AWAY AND HAVE A NICE LIFE". It may sound mean, but this woman is threatening your marriage and her own marriage and her children's happiness. Cut her to the quick and get rid of her.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

stumblealong said:


> Hi Franklin- Stumble again. Following along with this post because we are in kinda the same situation. Passion gone from relationship, feel like i've been taken for granted, and my attempts at rekindling a romance have also been ignored.
> 
> I have recently lost 40 lbs, in hopes that maybe he will notice me again. Like your wife, I had lost interest in my appearance and after having my child didn't care to lose the weight. Not to say your wife is fat, but I didn't really care about 'primping' for my h because I figured what's the use. But, when I actually started to have the feeling of wanting to leave him, I decided maybe I could improve my looks, maybe he would be interested in doing things w/ me and going out again.
> 
> ...


Your advice is not terrible, in fact its much appreciated. The issue I have with doing the whole "sitting down and talking" thing is, I really dont think a woman should have to be told that dressing, talking, and wearing her hair, in a masculine fashion is a turn off to a man. I work out very hard, and watch my diet very closely . I shave my body hair, and clip my nose and ear hairs, so my wife doesnt have to go to bed, or be seen with a hairy fat ass. Youd think shed appreciate it... nope! I see women all the time, her age and older, that still wear sexy WOMENS clothes, and hair doos ,and still even hang all over their fat old husbands, after being married much longer than we have. If they can do it, so can she, if I gotta tell her this stuff, it kinda defeats the purpose IMO.

Before this XGF contacted me, I guess I just kinda accepted the way she was, because at least she wasnt cheating on me, but now Ive realized Im a human being with emotions too, and I need more than this, not with the XGF of course, but with someone, at some point in my life. My wife is just not emotionally or sexually adequate for me.

I will tell you that, if I did finally get the guts to leave It would be FINAL, and let me tell you Id jump in the 1st bit of good lovin that came my way, without any guilt. Ive settled for love crumbs for far too long, Ive done more than my part, so my conscience would be clear. 

As for you, whats wrong with a little slap on the rear and a compliment? hey its a start. If my wife did that Id probably die of shock. seriously I know how you feel though , you feel like youve done so much work, and it all goes un noticed. doesnt seem fair Everybodys advice is always "talk it out", but IMO, the hell w/that! Our spouses have a good thing but take it for granted, now where suppose to convince them how good it is? I bet a dear jon/joan letter would convince em and thats exactly what they deserve! Love is like any other opportunity in life , you squander it, you lose it.

BTW stumble where did you read that I like :cat: ? (u mean oral?) I couldnt find where I wrote that LOL!


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

catsy101 said:


> The issue here is you are a "Nice Guy". And that is great up to a point. This person is obviously still interested in you, "In that Way", and you keep saying things like, "I don't think this is...." Instead try something a bit more abrasive, like, "I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU AS A LOVER OR AS A FRIEND, IF I SAW YOU COME INTO MY SHOP, I WOULDN'T SELL YOU A THING, NOW GO AWAY." With a girl like this, you NEED to be CLEAR. No "This might not be the best idea I think we shouldn't even be friends", but a "I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FRIEND OR YOUR ANYTHING ELSE, NOW GO AWAY AND HAVE A NICE LIFE". It may sound mean, but this woman is threatening your marriage and her own marriage and her children's happiness. Cut her to the quick and get rid of her.


 I gotta be honest with you, I didnt want her to come visit me because I knew if there was the slightest possibility, shed give me the chance, it would lead to a short trip to the nearest no-tell motel, not because Im a nice guy, but thanks anyway. the truth is, I was enjoying the attention and didnt want the PMs to stop. I check my email several Xs a day now, just to see if she PMed me again. Half of me hopes she just slips back into obscurity for another 20 years, but the other half hopes she comes back for more. Pretty ridiculous, I know


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

That is very sad and I feel so sorry for your poor spouse. How dare you even think about doing something like that to your poor spouse! And don't you care about ruining the lives of this woman's poor kids?! Or her poor spouse?! It's guys like you who give men a bad name! It's guys like you who make the rest of us weary and frightened that our men will end up like YOU! Screwing someone because you have a past with them! I would NEVER cheat on my husband and I love him to pieces, and yet here you are willing to screw around on your wife and "LIKING" the attention instead of it making you feel sick to your stomach which it should. If my husband ever did that to me, when I have been faithful to him for over 10 yrs, since before we were married, I would hate him beyond comprehension, and even thinking about doing this makes you a BAD PERSON.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Hey I told her not to come didnt I? at least I didnt act on my evil thoughts , dont I get credit for that? I never "screwed" anyone! I HARDLY EVER EVEN GET TO SCREW MY OWN WIFE, . youre right though, I am a bad person for wanting her. I guess I should be happy with the near non existent sex life, I get from my wife. I deserve what I get, after all i said "i do"


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

No that's what I meant. Sorry it came across so blunt. What I mean, is instead of just, ya know, cheating and doing things the wrong way, why not talk to your wife? I understand not being able to do counseling, I myself don't have the money for it, but what about... Talking to your wife? Telling her how you feel? Do you still love her? I mean really love her, not the yes I love her but I'm not in love with her stuff, I mean are you really IN love with her still? If you are, isn't this whole marriage worth a try at least? Maybe tell her, I love you I am in love with you but we are having problems? And we need to work things out? If you love her still there is still hope right? That is what I am going to do tonight with my husband, I am going to talk to him... Tell him how I feel and why I feel that way. A lot of things are going to brough up, things we never fully dealt with at the time these things happened, and new issues are going to be addressed. Couldn't you do the same thing tonight?


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

And if you are not IN love with your wife any longer, don't you think perhaps you should be honest with her? I think things will be a million times better for you, provided you do not still love her, if you said, I don't love you any more in that way, and I need a divorce? And if you divorce her don't you think it would be better for you in the long run to date someone who is not married and cheating with their spouse? That is something I never fully understood. Why do men think cheating is a good thing? I would feel more respected by my husband if he never cheated on me, told me this isn't working and I am not in love with you any more, and THEN went with someone else after the divorce was final. At least give her the respect and allow her to keep her dignity. Instead of thinking about cheating and flirting with someone via the computer, divorce her first, use the time between now and when the divorce is finalized to get your head on straight, and THEN go with someone new, who is not married with kids and is not cheating on someone. Have some respect for your wife AND for yourself too.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Catsy Im guessing you didnt read this whole thread, or what I just wrote a few posts ago, but Ill give you the jist of it....

I have tended to my wife, in every aspect of our marriage, sexually, financially, emotionally, domestically, and I do all I can to make myself as physically appealing ,as possible, she in turn puts forth zero effort, in all of those things. at this point shes pretty much a roommate, and a boring one at that. Why should I have to do all the work, and still convince her I deserve a little appreciation in return? with all due respect, **** that! IMO you cant force or convince someone, to love or want you, it has to come from inside them ,or its worthless. Shes pretty much shown me she doesnt GAF, and to be honest that hurts. My XGF gave my a little attention for a moment and it felt good. Belive it or not men have needs too


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

catsy101 said:


> And if you are not IN love with your wife any longer, don't you think perhaps you should be honest with her? I think things will be a million times better for you,


 Its real easy to tell someone else, to just walk away from an 11 year marriage, a house, a mortgage financial ties,pets etc, and move into a 1 bedroom, on the other side of town, and start over, but do YOU really have the guts to just pack up all you crap and walk out the door if your H doenst see things your way? not as easy as it sounds is it?



> That is something I never fully understood. Why do men think cheating is a good thing?


 its called "we like the idea of hot passionate sex w/ women we havent slept with yet!" not rocket science. some of us just dont act on it. Oh and BTW if a man cheats, theres usually a woman in the equation isnt there?


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

I know that they have needs too. Believe me, I understand that. I do a lot for my husband. I am a stay at home mom of our three children, have been married to him for almost ten yrs., never cheated on him, never flirted with anyone else or even thought of doing it either. I have sex with him everyday, two of our children are developmentally delayed and need extra help and I do all of that. On his days off, I still do most of the stuff for the kids. I cook, clean our house, do the shopping lists which he doesn't like to do. I clip the coupons, agree to buy things he likes, go to the Blood Bank twice a week to help with bills and to buy him stuff for our anniversary, etc, etc, etc. I work an at home job and use that money for stuff the kids need that he cannot afford to buy for the kids, like clothes, shoes, school supplies, potty training supplies sleep diapers cause our oldest has an issue with that, and more. He likes bj's and I hate bj's but I still do them two to three times a week. He likes anal which causes me intense pain but I do those two to three times a week cause he likes it. I make him laugh, go to his weekly card games which is a unisex game cause he loves it and wants me to go so I go with him. He likes remote control car racing and wanted to buy a $300 car and I let him. He needed a new computer so I allowed him to spend the money. All I want right now is to move closer to my parents, we live on the other side of the country and to someday maybe have a baby girl as we have three boys. He is insisting we stay here til we die and that he wants a vasectomy. I have needs too. Yet I am going to talk with him and try to work things out anyways because I still LOVE HIM. And if I didn't still love him, I would get a divorce FIRST before even entertaining the thought of being with someone else. Is this now making any sense to you at all?


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

And I never said it was easy. We own a house together too. We have a dog and four cats. If I left him, only having a small from home part time job, we would be struggling too, especially with having THREE KIDS. But if I wasn't happy and knew it could NOT possibly work, you better bet your bottom dollar I would be out of here before he could mutter the word sorry, because life is too short to be unhappy and I would never rock someone else's world when that person was cheating on his spouse, had kids with that spouse and I was cheating on my spouse. Get it?


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Oh and my husband and I will be going on ten yrs of marriage come Oct. 13th of this yr. So I know about being together for a long time.

To me tho, that is another reason NOT to hurt your wife by cheating and to be respectful of her and just to say this isn't working. I am so sorry but I want a divorce.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry breeze maybe a bit tmi. I am just trying to make him understand that I am being taken for granted right now, and feel the way that he probably feels at this moment. Yet he needs to be the better person, and step aside and say, ok, either I need to make a commitment to making this work and explain to my wife exactly how I feel, or I need to not make this work and explain to my wife that I cannot handle this any longer and I need a divorce. Either way, he should not cheat on her, especially with another woman who is married and one who has children no less. The children will be very distraught if their parents split because their mom cheated and the dad found out. Imagine the pain the poor kids would go through if that were to happen! I would never want to be the cause of such pain in innocent children. I doubt anyone would want to be. And besides that, even if his wife is now more like a boring roomate, she will still be hurt and upset if he were to cheat on her. I would be 1000% less hurt and angry if my husband got a divorce first and went out after to get some girl. But if it happened while we were still married, I don't think I could ever forgive that. I think I would be hurt forever by that. I am just saying do things in the proper order and don't get mixed up with anyone who is married with kids.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Catsy like I just said before to you, you cant make someone want or appreciate you, if you have to point this stuff out to him in the 1st place, youre probably not gonna get the response you want, if your doing all that(sex) and hes still a knob ( RC cars and anal sex =knob, sorry) hes always gonna be. sure you love him , I love my wife too, but is love, really worth this crap? for me, I think leaving might be a serious option someday soon, for you, probably not so easy, so w/ all due respect, Id be real surprised to see you put your $, where your mouth is, and walk out. I know guys talking about wanting to cheat, pisses most women off ,but the truth is we ALL think about it, just some like myself, actually control ourselves, but personally I dont think Id be surprised if my wife cheated, if I neglected her the way she neglects me, and I certainly couldnt blame her.

BTW sex everyday? BJs 2-3Xs a week? Damn girl!:smthumbup:


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Okay but again I would do things in the right order. 

1. Explain it to her nicely, be the good guy.

2. Divorce.

3. Date someone who IS NOT involved with someone else.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

And yes, I could put my money where my mouth is. My dad has offered for all of us, husband and kids and pets to stay with him for a yr no paying him anything to get on our feet.

I am QUITE CERTAIN that offer would extend to just me and the kids and pets UNTIL we could get on our feet. So...


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

And I like to make him happy, or at least, I USED TO.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

catsy101 said:


> And yes, I could put my money where my mouth is. My dad has offered for all of us, husband and kids and pets to stay with him for a yr no paying him anything to get on our feet.
> 
> I am QUITE CERTAIN that offer would extend to just me and the kids and pets UNTIL we could get on our feet. So...


 well I guess thats another way you and I differ, see Im an adult male. I dont have the option to move back home with mommy and daddy, no offense but comon Try leaving behind a house you spent countlesss days off and 100K out of pocket to renovate over the past 9years, and moving straight into a crappy apt all by yourself, not quite the same thing.

As far as your other advice, again, youre being a bit simplistic. 

1 like Ive said I have told her how I feel, but its irrelevant anyway, if she needs to be told to appreciate what shes got, whats the point?

2 divorce is a 1-2 year minimum ordeal in NYS, its not like selling a used car here.

3 I dont chase married women, sometimes they send me a PM on facebook, and I have to tell them not to visit me, so we arent tempted to have sex, thats all


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

I am 31 yrs old, certainly not a child.

And there is nothing wrong with moving back with your parents if you need too.

That is what family is for.

And if one of my kids are someday in need of help, I hope they come to me for it instead of staying in a loveless marriage or cheating on their spouse or even thinking about doing it.

You are right, though, if she cannot appreciate it, start the process of divorce right away.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

catsy101 said:


> I am 31 yrs old, certainly not a child.
> 
> And there is nothing wrong with moving back with your parents if you need too.


 Nope nothing wrong with it just pointing out that some of us dont have that option, so its not that easy for some of just pack up and leave.

Im also not completely heartless, I cant just sit my wife down, and tell her, I dont wanna be married to her anymore, and walk out the door. Im still at the point where I dont know whats worse, staying or leaving:scratchhead: hopefully when the time is right, itll all work out as painless as possible.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

I know your not completely heartless. But what men have to realize, is that it is LESS painful to start a divorce process than it is to string along a woman you don't love anymore in that way, and cheat on her or even to think about it. Eventually, she will find out you cheated, or thought about cheating, and that will not go over well. Either will saying, I need a divorce, but it will go over less badly than cheating or thinking about cheating or flirting with a woman or whatever else she ends up finding out about. Trust me on this one. 

Nothing will hurt her more. KWIM?


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Franklin-Stumble again. I seriously know how bad you feel, *stuck*. I do to. I have a child, a mortgage, and lots of pets. (By the way I read somewhere, that you had 2 cats and that you didn't want to give them up, and you didn't think she would keep them- at least that's what I think I remember ) Any man who cares about his pets gets an A in my book!

Anyway, you are not a bad person for thinking about cheating. You have shown restraint and that is respect for your w. I understand the temptation to be with another person that can make you feel good about yourself. And believe me, keeping up with your appearance should be appreciated. Heck, I have a hard time getting my man to wash his hands If you want to read a hilarious thread, go to 'can we talk hygiene?' that I posted awhile back! :rofl:

Yes, the slap on the rump wasn't bad. Showed me that he at least acknowledged my appearance. But, compared to the loneliness throughout the yrs, I guess it just didn't do much for me by way of affection. I think maybe men have a little different idea of what affection really is. Slap on the butt, grab of a boob really just doesn't do it for me

Sorry I can't really give you better advice. Maybe your w is just way too comfortable with the marriage thing. What I mean is maybe her thoughts about marriage are that after your 'there' all you have to do is 'nothing.' I'm not saying this very well, maybe her idea of marriage is falling asleep on the couch during sat. night movie time, not having to worry about appearance or her lack of emotion to you because she has already 'landed' you. She has become lazy in the affection part because she might believe that is how marriage is supposed to be :scratchhead: You have done all these nice, romantic things for her, so it does seem odd that she just blows them off, maybe it just justifies her feelings that everything is alright with u guys and there is no need for her to reciprocate the gestures. Some people's brain's are just hardwired different. We all like to think the things we do for people will make them show us more affection, but maybe she truly just doesn't think about it. Yes that's not saying much about her personality (sorry), but she probably doesn't realize it hurts you. Doesn't she have any g-friends that tell her, "Gee, wish my man did that for me!"???? I mean I think that could at least open her eyes. She seems numb to life. I know you had said she hates her job, but will not give it up. Well, looks like pretty soon that job and the wonderful pension is all she is going to end up with in life if she doesn't get out of it. What is the use in sticking w/ a job that makes you miserable just for the retirement! By then she will be too old and bitter about the way she has lived her life to enjoy that wonderful pension!

Looks like your going to be there for awhile anyway due to the housing market right now, so why not go ahead and tell her what is bothering you. If you have another bedroom to go to, move into it. Just distance yourself, no more Mr. Niceguy! (love alice cooper ) I know your itching to get some nookie because this x of yours has sparked your interest in love again and all the sweatiness that comes w/ it! But, you will truly be doing yourself a favor by holding off. You may convince yourself that you won't feel guilty, and that you are entitled to some good lovin, but only knowing you through these posts, I get the feeling you WILL feel guilty and what you are wanting for future love will fall flat. You don't know what the future holds, maybe your attitude change toward her will go noticed and she will decide to leave you. Or maybe she will work on keeping you by changing HER attitude toward you. Either way it would be a most needed change in both of your lives.

Let me know what ya think. Even to tell me what a bunch of crap!! 
Stumble


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Stumblealong I feel like I should pay you for this post very insightful and helpful:smthumbup:


stumblealong said:


> Hi Franklin-Stumble again. I seriously know how bad you feel, *stuck*. I do to. I have a child, a mortgage, and lots of pets. (By the way I read somewhere, that you had 2 cats and that you didn't want to give them up, and you didn't think she would keep them- at least that's what I think I remember ) Any man who cares about his pets gets an A in my book!


 OMG thats what you meant? hahahhah:rofl: I totally thought you meant something else actually youd a been right, either way wow Im embarrassed


> Anyway, you are not a bad person for thinking about cheating. You have shown restraint and that is respect for your w. I understand the temptation to be with another person that can make you feel good about yourself. And believe me, keeping up with your appearance should be appreciated. Heck, I have a hard time getting my man to wash his hands If you want to read a hilarious thread, go to 'can we talk hygiene?' that I posted awhile back! :rofl:
> 
> Yes, the slap on the rump wasn't bad. Showed me that he at least acknowledged my appearance. But, compared to the loneliness throughout the yrs, I guess it just didn't do much for me by way of affection. I think maybe men have a little different idea of what affection really is. Slap on the butt, grab of a boob really just doesn't do it for me
> 
> Sorry I can't really give you better advice. Maybe your w is just way too comfortable with the marriage thing. What I mean is maybe her thoughts about marriage are that after your 'there' all you have to do is 'nothing.'


 BINGO!


> I'm not saying this very well, maybe her idea of marriage is falling asleep on the couch during sat. night movie time, not having to worry about appearance or her lack of emotion to you because she has already 'landed' you. She has become lazy in the affection part because she might believe that is how marriage is supposed to be :scratchhead: You have done all these nice, romantic things for her, so it does seem odd that she just blows them off, maybe it just justifies her feelings that everything is alright with u guys and there is no need for her to reciprocate the gestures. Some people's brain's are just hardwired different.


 she didnt use to be like that, she use to be alot more thoughtful when we 1st got married, seems like after we moved up state and she transferred, things went south:scratchhead: but now shes like an icequeen, she doesnt even show her own kids or mother, much affection IMO


> We all like to think the things we do for people will make them show us more affection, but maybe she truly just doesn't think about it.


 :iagree: you cant encourage someones love or affection, they either do it or they dont, how many womens stoires have you read here, where they hang all over these losers who abuse them, and how many saps like myself do all the right stuff and still get 0 in return. Im not bitter about it though, she doesnt care the hell w/ her, but Ill be damed if my not gonna turn my attention to someone else, question is, can I wait till I get all my ducks in row and move out?:scratchhead:


> Yes that's not saying much about her personality (sorry),


 no offense taken, but outside of the romance dept. shes actually a cool person, we are both on the same page politically, and have the same kind of values, and interest and shes actually pretty funny, she just doesnt feel the need to show affection much, and shes awful in the sack these day


> but she probably doesn't realize it hurts you. Doesn't she have any g-friends that tell her, "Gee, wish my man did that for me!"????


 she has no friends at all, she has a few work buddies, but I dont think she gets along w/ any women cause she feels theyre too girly, and doesnt relate to that , I swear, shes like dude , its a total turn off!


> I mean I think that could at least open her eyes. She seems numb to life. I know you had said she hates her job, but will not give it up. Well, looks like pretty soon that job and the wonderful pension is all she is going to end up with in life if she doesn't get out of it. What is the use in sticking w/ a job that makes you miserable just for the retirement! By then she will be too old and bitter about the way she has lived her life to enjoy that wonderful pension!


 Good luck with that, the PO and the govt is bankrupt already, heck even SS is doomed!


> Looks like your going to be there for awhile anyway due to the housing market right now, so why not go ahead and tell her what is bothering you. If you have another bedroom to go to, move into it.


 Ah the old irish divorce way ahead of ya, I slept in the spare room last night. her snoring was more than i could deal w/ 


> Just distance yourself, no more Mr. Niceguy! (love alice cooper )


 me too! but thats "only my heart talk'n"


> I know your itching to get some nookie


 you have no idea!!!!!!!!


> because this x of yours has sparked your interest in love again and all the sweatiness that comes w/ it! But, you will truly be doing yourself a favor by holding off. You may convince yourself that you won't feel guilty, and that you are entitled to some good lovin, but only knowing you through these posts, I get the feeling you WILL feel guilty and what you are wanting for future love will fall flat. You don't know what the future holds, maybe your attitude change toward her will go noticed and she will decide to leave you. Or maybe she will work on keeping you by changing HER attitude toward you. Either way it would be a most needed change in both of your lives.
> 
> Let me know what ya think. Even to tell me what a bunch of crap!!
> Stumble


 No crap at all ,youre right on the $$$.

its gonna take a major physical make over, which she could easily achieve w/ a trip to the salon an new wardrobe, not to mention, a complete attitude adjustment and SOME SEX for a change, for me to change my mind.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Stumblealong I feel like I should pay you for this post very insightful and helpful:smthumbup: OMG thats what you meant? hahahhah:rofl: I totally thought you meant something else actually youd a been right, either way wow Im embarrassed
> 
> HA! Don't be embarrassed. (Mr. MindintheGutter!) Either way is good!!! :smthumbup:See what I mean about the 'itch' you got going on now for the nookie!! Believe me, when your about to jump the guy (or gal in your case) who is your weekly cashier at Wal-Mart, you know the 'itch' is getting pretty bad!!
> 
> ...


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Stumblealong I dont know you, but you sound like an absolute sweetheart, if you dont mind me saying, and youre an 80s rock chick, nothing better:smthumbup: too bad it sounds like its all going to waste. I really dont know why some guys would rather soak their brains in beer every night, when they got a perfectly good woman to play with. Id much rather have some :cat:  but to each his own. Hang in there SA:thumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think Stumble & Frankin should get together, No just kidding, but I do feel that if either falls into cheating (I will be slammed for this but I do not care), that their spouses are at least half to blame, as their indifference & lack of appreciation contributed heavily to their states of mind & hearts. 

That's not true in all affairs , of coarse not! Ex) if Catsy's husband cheats, he is a monster with all the affection & sex she gives him !! But as for Stumble & Frankin, they are victims, been struggling to remain faithful to purely unaffectionate selfish spouses who care more about the mail (in Frankin's case) and more about the Bottle (in Stumbles). 

I hope you both find someone to Love & adore, to finally fullfill your needs and someone to lavish all this romance & attention you desire to give - with another who wants to give it back as badly & passionately as yourselves.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

what a great site this is to have 2 absolute dolls like amorous and stumble to talk to:bounce:. stumble if you are even half as good looking as amorous(ive seen her pic:thumbup then I might consider her suggestion ....JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST KIDDING!!!!!couldnt resist. im friend requesting both of you. thanks for all the kind words ladies.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

To Amourous: Thanks for the understanding about the situation me and franklin have found ourselves in. I found his thread and said WOW, I know how that feels. Its good to know that even though we have been seriously tempted to have an affair, we did not go through with it, but u understand that we are not bad people to have these thoughts. I've read some posts where people are really slammed for even having the thought of cheating and i was a little scared to really say how i felt. Even at that, im not going to follow through on any temptations, it's just enough for me to know that there are people out there who understand!I have read many of your posts and find that u are a truly unique person!

To Franklin: It's been nice to be able to babble about all the lack of good lovin in our lives It's a sad story but this made it better. Please keep me updated on what's goin on. If you do fianally break free and find the love you need and deserve! By the way, I have a hard time describing myself as beautiful (like amourous is) but i will say that i've never lacked for attention from the opposite sex, even during my fat faze! THAT is what makes it so hard to be faithful! But, we must keep truckin'!:smthumbup:
Stumble


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

Franklin,

After reading through your saga, one thing stood out as a bit odd, you wrote:

"she didnt use to be like that, she use to be alot more thoughtful when we 1st got married, seems like after we moved up state and she transferred, things went south but now shes like an icequeen, she doesnt even show her own kids or mother, much affection IMO" 

It sounds as if your wife is suffering from depression. Just a guess, but that could explain the change. You also mentioned she doesn't have any friends, another sign of depression. Again, just a guess, but from my experience, depression can cause a lack of desire.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

writing2010 said:


> Franklin,
> 
> After reading through your saga, one thing stood out as a bit odd,


 only one ????:rofl:



> /you wrote:
> 
> "she didnt use to be like that, she use to be alot more thoughtful when we 1st got married, seems like after we moved up state and she transferred, things went south but now shes like an icequeen, she doesnt even show her own kids or mother, much affection IMO"
> 
> It sounds as if your wife is suffering from depression. Just a guess, but that could explain the change. You also mentioned she doesn't have any friends, another sign of depression. Again, just a guess, but from my experience, depression can cause a lack of desire.


Alot of people here have said the same exact thing, when I describe my wife. Personally i dont think she is clinically depressed, she is very physically active, and ambitious, just not about relationships w/ people, mainly me, or her kids, or friends.....all she talks about, and cares about is her work, I think thats what I miss more than even the sex, is the emotional connection we use to have. sometimes I feel like Im living with a stranger.

I dont think its depression though, I do think she has alot of repressed feelings and guilt, over some things she has done in her life. specifically giving full custody of her 2 sons, when we moved, to their father who is an absolute bafoon, simply because she didnt feel like going to court. I begged her not to but she didnt listen. she also never went to visit her lifelong friend, who was dying of cancer before she died, I saw her right before she died, and told my wife she did not look good, and that she should go see her , she never did, and my wife felt really guilty about it, and she should because this woman only lived an hour away. Thats my wife in a nutshell, she is just not the giving type, but when she loses someone it eats her up inside , the shame is that it could have all been avoided if she could just learn to think about someone besides herself for a change, just like she could avoid losing me if she wanted, but she wont see the light until im gone


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Are you honestly saying you are perfect and have never done something you regret? I have done things I regret to this day, and probably will for the rest of my life. But I don't let it eat away at me either and I don't let it ruin my life. 

Your wife sounds like she is suffering from depression. Depression is what makes an otherwise normal person so sad she cannot appreciate anything of what she has. The reason she cannot be close with you is probably because deep down she feels she doesn't deserve to be happy so she lets herself be miserable, punishes herself if you will. 

The thing is she needs to learn she is still deserving of love, even though she has made mistakes. No one is perfect. No one! We have ALL done things we wish we could take back.

I have had in my lifetime, two abortions. I wish I had not with either one of them. For a longtime I would not let anyone get close to me, even those who tried to get close to me. I felt I didn't deserve love or help or anything. Your wife sounds like she is feeling that way now.

Your wife might do well to get a therapist. She needs to talk to someone. These are classic signs of depression they really are. I know, I went through it. I always felt bad I could not bridge the gap between my dad and grandma and then she died. I still feel bad about it. Lots of things I wish I could have done differently. BUt I have to realize I am not perfect, and I can't change anything. 

All I am saying is she IS depressed. Please get your wife some help.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

catsy101 said:


> Are you honestly saying you are perfect and have never done something you regret? I have done things I regret to this day, and probably will for the rest of my life. But I don't let it eat away at me either and I don't let it ruin my life.
> 
> Your wife sounds like she is suffering from depression. Depression is what makes an otherwise normal person so sad she cannot appreciate anything of what she has. The reason she cannot be close with you is probably because deep down she feels she doesn't deserve to be happy so she lets herself be miserable, punishes herself if you will.
> 
> ...


 I have done alot of things I regret ,I just dont let it affect the way I treat people, like she does.

Catsy you dont know my wife, and I really dont think you read my posts very carefully . My wife is NOT "sad", she doesnt mope around, heck Im the one mopeing like I said before she is very active, and talks alot, just not about anything, anyone but her, cares about, because thats just it, shes all about herself. She also seems to think I live to please her, guess Ive spoiled her over the years, she just doesnt see the need to do anything for others anymore, unless it, in some way, benefits her. Trust me, I know my wife, she is not sad, she is just totally self absorbed. theres a difference.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Anyway, on a more positive note, Im not really thinking about XGF much at this point, in fact, I think that whole thing was a little silly


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

Good for you Franklin. Glad you're another one who survived their ex's on facebook. lol. 

Just one thing about depression, not to go back to the "dark" side, it's not just about being sad or mopey. But, YOU live with your wife! Hope you two can work it out just in case more ex's find you on facebook! just kidding!


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## MarriedMan09 (Jul 2, 2010)

you did the right thing. I had a girl break my heart in HS and when I think about the relationship, sometimes the feelings come back. 

Unlike you I was not strong enough to tell her to go away and she kept contacting me every so often of the years (always just chit chat)so I never was able to get totally away from it.

It wasn't until my wife told me she wasn't confortable with her contacting me that I finally was able to just cut her off.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi Franklin- Me, stumble. Thought I said all I had to say on this thread but with the depression discussion coming up, thought i would put in my 2 cents. Depression for your w was something I thought of too. Since I have struggled w/ it for 15yrs, I may have some insight. One difference I can point out is that during my 'blue period' the very last thing I wanted to do was talk about myself. The guilt I felt over past mistakes made me completely un-self absorbed. I never wanted the attention turned to me or any focus on me at all. I'm not saying anyone who is saying your wife is depressed is wrong in their thoughts, because I'm sure everyone handles depression different. But, to me, if the depression stems from self guilt, the last thing most people want is to have attention turned to them. Not seeing a dying friend, is being self-absorbed, no matter if she is depressed or not.
Take care Frank. Have a good weekend
Stumble


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Oh, I just wanted to add, so people wouldn't think I was pulling this outta my arse. I had some counseling and 1 session of group therapy (so I'm not an expert at diagnosing depression) but the thing was all the people in there had a hard time opening up because we didn't like attention brought to us Hence, the reason I have pretty much remained invisible for all these yrs. Therapist tells me this is very common among the depressed. No diagnosis here, just my opinion.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

stumblealong said:


> Not seeing a dying friend, is being self-absorbed, no matter if she is depressed or not.


 Yeah its called narcissism, not depression, and she doesnt learn either, shes got a sick brother in poor health out in LI, he always seemed like a nice guy to me, but hes got a drinking and gambling problem, and she hates him she says. I told her to go see him and make ammends anyway, but she just cant be bothered ,you watch though, this guys gonna die someday and shes gonna feel all guilty and sad again, just doesnt make sense.

Ive been depressed and stressed in my life too, when I was in my early 20s ,my whole life was a mess, and I felt like my brain was broken. I didnt do anything except work and watch TV, I was a zombie, I surly didnt wanna talk, or do any exercise. 

I dont want people reading this thread, to think I hate my wife, shes got plenty of good qualities, shes funny, cool, works hard, there just more the qualities I seek in a friend, or roomate, in a wife, i need other qualities too, like passion for me, and for sex, not just aerobics!


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