# I am Officially Smitten



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I left my ex 9 months ago....he and I were a couple for 27 years. The last 5 years of the marriage we lived as roommates so it has been a very long time since I have had any kind of intimacy with a man. I wished it, dreamed of it, fantasized about it. I am 54, the man I have been seeing is 51....we have been seeing one another since Jan and have been careful to get to know one another and enjoy each other's company....many hours spent in conversation together and on the phone. He has been a complete gentleman, has not tried to seduce me....really does seem to want to know me. 

Yesterday I spent 6 hours with him talking and I made a salad for us to eat. He asked me some questions about my marriage to my ex, wanted to know about the ring I wear on my right hand which is my old wedding band stripped of the diamond bands. My ex would completely ignore me and the kids....there did not have to be conflict....he would just not answer or walk away....the kids could ask him about spending time with a friend and he would not even look up from his newspaper or acknowledge he heard them and he was no different with me. We talked many times about this, my ex and I. Finally after 15 years, he did this to me, again we were not fighting, he just walked out of the room and I had had enough. I went after him, grabbed him by the back of the collar and let me tell you this man is big and strong, probably the stupidest thing I have ever done but that tells you how fed-up I was with this behavior. I told him to never walk away from me when I was speaking to him. He grabbed my hand, turned around and started twisting my hand with all his strength. I was yelling and fighting him off with my right hand, landing blows to his head and kicking while our 8 year old daughter watched from the window. The police were called, he was asked to leave which he did. I called my mom, I was planning then to leave him, she convinced me to stay saying she was afraid that he might try to turn me against my daughter. I vowed then I would stay until she graduated which I did.

As I told this to the man I am seeing (dating and boyfriend sound weird to me) my heart started racing,my voice tone changed which I was trying hard to control...trying to take the emotion out and stay detached as I was telling him all this, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach but I felt I could not tell this man how I was feeling inside. I just wanted to give him the facts. As I was feeling these things though I didn't understand why my heart was racing and why I was feeling the way I was. I have told other people about this and not felt this way. The only thing I thought was that I was afraid he would see me as "damaged" knowing what I had endured with my ex. He showed me a great deal of empathy and I definitely felt he was not judging me afterwards.

All of this is so foreign though....all these feelings of wanting to be with him and hear from him and the butterflies in the stomach....I've lost weight because I am not hungry and I know my hormones must be messing with my head. I feel like I need to put little leashes on the butterflies as I am trying to get to know how him as much as he is trying to get to know me without the hormones taking over. Feels very odd to be in this situation as my age. 

He is black, I am white....I am from the north and he is from the south. Yesterday his sister called while I was with him and he asked to call her back, said he was with a friend. She was asking all kinds of questions about this friend (me). He said he would tell her later. So it is out now, his family knows. My daughter (adults) have been having a grand time teasing me about dating. He and I yesterday talked about interracial dating and we both told each other that we did not care what others thought and we assured each other that we were fine with our situation.

All this being said....I have not been with another man in over 27 years and it has been a good long while since I have shared the bed with a man and I am feeling unsure/uncertain about that moment as I see it coming. We have gotten quite close.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I sure hope this all works out for you. You certainly deserve some good in your life.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

@AVR1962 You sound happy! Don't let the past hinder your future .

Btw. Who cares what people think or say about interracial relationships. My parents have the same scenario and now have been married for over 40 years strong. My wife and I are going on 15 years with the same scenario. Happiness is what matters.



Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> I made a salad for us to eat.


So, he made you go to the salad bar at Gol... J/K.

It all sounds really good, wishing you good luck and much happiness!


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I wish you happiness.

Do not worry about what anyone else thinks about interracial relationships. Don't let anyone else put that on you. It is NOT an issue. There are enough things to worry about - that should not be one of them.

My last two relationships were with black men (I am white), but I don't recall even discussing it with either of them at all, let alone addressing it as a potential issue. (Unfortunately, both turned out to be a**holes, but that was unrelated to race).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like a great relationship.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Am I reading this right? You stayed for 10 more years with that cold jerk after the physical altercation? I wish you could have that time back with your new partner. Let it be a lesson to all of us.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Is this the same man you had reservations about, the one who has the prayer room? 

I do wish you happiness... just beware of rebounding. Dont ignore any red flags in the future.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Is this the same man you had reservations about, the one who has the prayer room?
> 
> I do wish you happiness... just beware of rebounding. Dont ignore any red flags in the future.


Wow, scary-good memory!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am....no I was a good swimmer.

I could easily swim for an hour in the open sea.

Now, all gone...

Except, I remember how to swim against the tide. Actually swim sideways away from the undertow.

I am going to be blunt and forget all my training, all my manners.

This relationship will be a short-term pleasurable thing.

Long term....I see a disaster in the making.

You are adding, yet another forgotten fork in the salad that you made.

This fork is fraught with a painful heartbreak. 

Please do not ask me to expound....

Let me hint at one word. Think of all the types of pianos that are made. One of the models is the word I cannot utter.

I saw this movie, many times.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I wish you happiness.
> 
> Do not worry about what anyone else thinks about interracial relationships. Don't let anyone else put that on you. It is NOT an issue. There are enough things to worry about - that should not be one of them.
> 
> My last two relationships were with black men (I am white), but I don't recall even discussing it with either of them at all, let alone addressing it as a potential issue. (Unfortunately, both turned out to be a**holes, but that was unrelated to race).


??

I just put on my rubber boots. I am going to step in it.

Culture, maybe?

View of women, maybe?


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> ??
> 
> I just put on my rubber boots. I am going to step in it.
> 
> ...


Umm, what?

Honestly, one of these days I hope to come across one of your posts that I actually understand without having to hurt my brain in the process.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Umm, what?
> 
> Honestly, one of these days I hope to come across one of your posts that I actually understand without having to hurt my brain in the process.


I usually skip over his posts, to be honest. He seems like a nice guy, but I don't have time to solve metaphorical mystery poems.

But his point is valid: race is not important for a relationship, per se, but religious and cultural differences can be a big problem. Sometimes it's hard to see that through the butterflies in your stomach. I learned this in my own interracial marriage.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I usually skip over his posts, to be honest. He seems like a nice guy, but I don't have time to solve metaphorical mystery poems.
> 
> But his point is valid: race is not important for a relationship, per se, but religious and cultural differences can be a big problem. Sometimes it's hard to see that through the butterflies in your stomach. I learned this in my own interracial marriage.


Well, thank you for translating that into English. 

As an aside, I dated a guy like that once (maybe even the same guy), and I eventually had to break up with him. I'm a medically-trained scientist. If I ask a question, I like the answer to be interpretable without having to consult a third party for translation purposes.

The point is valid. Religious and cultural differences can be huge, I agree. I personally would not let them be a deal-breaker, but you are correct in that it might not persevere through the butterflies. Thank you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Umm, what?
> 
> Honestly, one of these days I hope to come across one of your posts that I actually understand without having to hurt my brain in the process.


I wuv yu!

That is as clear as dare get, go, gone!


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> I wuv yu!
> 
> That is as clear as dare get, go, gone!


Awww. That is so cute. I would be touched, except I'm sure it meant something other than what I interpreted it to be. 

And TAM is under attack, I hear! I must take cover now. Gone Girl


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> So, he made you go to the salad bar at Gol... J/K.
> 
> It all sounds really good, wishing you good luck and much happiness!


Ha ha ha!!! Had to do a little "weeding" to get to this one! No Golden Corral here :laugh:


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Am I reading this right? You stayed for 10 more years with that cold jerk after the physical altercation? I wish you could have that time back with your new partner. Let it be a lesson to all of us.


Yes, I stayed 10 years after ex broke my finger. When I look back now it is like looking at a different person in my life (me). We had moved overseas not too long after the incident, he is employed by the Air Force. While I enjoyed living in Europe those last 10 years were rough.....was on here many times with my hurts of the marriage and people kept telling me to leave. When I did finally leave those who had followed my posts commented that they never thought I was going to get out. I had to face alot of fears. I went thru 5 years of counseling, thank goodness, as I think it was the counseling that finally helped me take those steps to my freedom.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Is this the same man you had reservations about, the one who has the prayer room?
> 
> I do wish you happiness... just beware of rebounding. Dont ignore any red flags in the future.


Yes, this is the Catholic man who has the prayer room. I really hope I am not on the rebound. I am really trying to be careful but I can feel the hormones messing with my head which I was not even sure was possible at my age. I honestly feel like a teenage school girl with an admirer.

I rein back my thoughts and feelings and tell myself to stay logical, to continue to get to know him as those red flags now are not just red flags, they are deal breakers in my book and I know what my deal breakers are....no exceptions!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I usually skip over his posts, to be honest. He seems like a nice guy, but I don't have time to solve metaphorical mystery poems.
> 
> But his point is valid: race is not important for a relationship, per se, but religious and cultural differences can be a big problem. Sometimes it's hard to see that through the butterflies in your stomach. I learned this in my own interracial marriage.


Yes, and we have talked alot about our cultural differences. I am nondenominational....have been to Catholic services, my son-in-law is Catholic and I have many friends who are Catholic, I taught in private Lutheran and Baptist schools. Even though he attends Catholic services he does consider himself nondenominational. So there certainly has been talk and thoughts about it all. We are enjoying getting to know one another right now. Who knows what the future may bring.


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