# Husbands: When does flirting become cheating?



## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

I am 31 and I have been married for 4 years and together for 8 years. I love my husband and he is a wonderful husband and father. We have two kids, ages 1 and 3. We have sex every other day or so, and sometimes it is great sex and sometimes just ok. I know there are times he watches porn and I'm fine with that. My issue is, I like somewhat kinky sex, from being held down, spanking and just a more aggressive type of sex. My husband trys but he just doesn't do those kind of things I want. So I kind of flirt at work and get a lot of attention that I love. I don't do anything else but I was thinking of maybe starting to chat online with someone. I would have some sexual chat and then have sex with my husband. It may sound bad, but I see it as my kind of porn. What is the difference? He is watching girls and getting pleasure and I would have fun with just words on a computer. Do you see anything really bad about this?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Um everything.


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

Um everything? Lol thx how informative


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## sweetdreams75 (Jul 14, 2012)

Speaking as the party that had it done to her. It is horrible. You should be getting that from your husband. Flirting and avidly looking for attention outside your marriage is WRONG! How would you feel if he did that to you or if your sister told you that her husband did that to her. It sounds like your looking for permission to do something you already know is wrong. IMO.


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

Ok so why is porn ok for a guy then? He is looking at other women, I would be reading words on a screen. I don't get it.


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

Ok another thought, this is like reading a book getting turned on then having sex with your spouse. What is so bad about that?


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## sweetdreams75 (Jul 14, 2012)

Porn is ok for a man or a woman. I personally think it would be ok if a man and a woman watched it together. Back to the topic at hand though. You know and are aware of the person on the other end of that screen. It is not just words. You are communicating with another person. That cannot be compared to something you can be emotional unattached to. That would be like saying reading Penthouse forum is the same as reading a spicy text sent to you from a coworker. Completely different attachment.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Flirting may not be cheating, but it's inappropriate. You're _married_. You're telling us you're getting your sexual fix from other men, then getting release from your husband? 

Yeah, that's bad. Stop doing that. 

You know what's like watching porn? Watching porn. If you need some extra kinky/hardcore action to get you excited, then watch such porn _with_ him.

He will be _very_ hurt when he finds out what you're doing. It's a slap to the face, because you're essentially telling him that his isn't adequate enough to satisfy you sexually, and that you need to get your fix outside the marriage.

I don't know how explicit you are with your husband, but when my ex wanted me to [email protected]#$ her a certain way, she would _tell me_, in no uncertain terms, exactly what she wanted.

If you want him to hold you down and ravage you, tell him to hold you down and [email protected]#$ you as hard as he can. Spanking? Tell him to spank you. Hair pulling? Tell him to pull on your hair and ride you fast and hard. 

But *tell him*. 

He may not want to have sex with you like that _all_ the time. But I'm sure he can compromise, and meet you halfway. Stop flirting at work. Stop sex-chatting. You will *ruin* your marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chrissyl0ve said:


> I am 31 and I have been married for 4 years and together for 8 years. I love my husband and he is a wonderful husband and father. We have two kids, ages 1 and 3. We have sex every other day or so, and sometimes it is great sex and sometimes just ok. I know there are times he watches porn and I'm fine with that. My issue is, I like somewhat kinky sex, from being held down, spanking and just a more aggressive type of sex. My husband trys but he just doesn't do those kind of things I want. So I kind of flirt at work and get a lot of attention that I love. I don't do anything else but I was thinking of maybe starting to chat online with someone. I would have some sexual chat and then have sex with my husband. It may sound bad, but I see it as my kind of porn. What is the difference? He is watching girls and getting pleasure and I would have fun with just words on a computer. Do you see anything really bad about this?


OK. As part of my job I have to take lots of words and cut out all of the junk words and get to the real core substance.

You want your husband to have violent sex with you. But he is too much of a _real_ man to do this to you.

So you want to go on line to talk dirty with men who harbour desires of committing acts of violent sex against women (possibly even up to and including rape) and perhaps even committing such acts upon women in real life. Real nice men you'd be chatting to, there, right?

So when eventually one of those men actually turn up at your home and put into practice a rape fantasy that you have been chatting about, you'd be happy with that? And if you think they'll never be able to track you down, well, I have several investment opportunities to sell to you, including Windsor Castle and the Tower of London.

You, young lady, are playing a _very_ dangerous game. A word to the wise, as they say, can this idea at once. It is dangerous and could lead to all sorts of problems.

The level of disrespect you harbour for your husband is mind-blowing. Especially when you consider that your disrespect for him is based on the fact that he will not play rape games with you! 

Do you realise how what you posted makes you come over? Really? You seriously don't?

It doesn't sound bad. It IS bad. Wise up or lose your family. (Yeah, courts always leave the kids with a mother who has rape fantasies.)

Look, I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings with my remarks, but I want what is best for you, your husband and your children. And your post shocked me, to be honest.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

If you include your husband in it. Allow him to watch you chat and then take that to the bedroom, that would be okay. But if he doesn't know about it, he will think you are having an affair, even if your not. Also, it may lead to a real affair, so I wouldn't recommend it.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> OK. As part of my job I have to take lots of words and cut out all of the junk words and get to the real core substance.
> 
> You want your husband to have violent sex with you. But he is too much of a _real_ man to do this to you.
> 
> ...


^^^^^^This isn't fair to say and its's untrue^^^^^^

She didn't say she wanted to be raped,or have violent sex. She said kinky sex. Aren't you guys always going on about variety blah blah blah. Well she wants some. 

If being a REAL man means a man can only have sex in missionary as he stares into her eyes and cries then its no wonder so many women end up disliking sex with their husbands. They're so busy being REAL men, that they lose the ability to be fun, sexy guys. Sometimes sex can just be fun, naughty, and yes, even kinky. 

Chrissy, exchanging flirty texts with random guys isn't right, and its not a very good idea. Porn is different, its not interactive like talking sexually with another guy is. Your husband neds to be willing comprmise and have more aggressive sex with you on a regualr basis, maybe once a week? And you've gotta keep your sexuality inside your marriage, between just you and your husband. If you want to watch kinky porn to sort of hold you over, then that's ok 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

floxie said:


> ^^^^^^This isn't fair to say and its's untrue^^^^^^
> 
> She didn't say she wanted to be raped,or have violent sex. She said kinky sex. Aren't you guys always going on about variety blah blah blah. Well she wants some.
> 
> ...


Floxie, Perhaps you could read what she wrote, again?

I have a colleague at work who likes the kind of kinky but fun sex you are talking of. (She very kindly tells us about it! ) But the OP talks of being held down and rough sex.

Being spanked on the bottom is one thing. Being held down and having rough sex? That's more than kinky. That's worrying.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> If you include your husband in it. Allow him to watch you chat and then take that to the bedroom, that would be okay. But if he doesn't know about it, he will think you are having an affair, even if your not. Also, it may lead to a real affair, so I wouldn't recommend it.


Actually, it would be an EA, I think.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

anything is ok IF you and hubby are both aware of it and ok with it or doing it together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> ^^^^^^This isn't fair to say and its's untrue^^^^^^
> 
> She didn't say she wanted to be raped,or have violent sex. She said kinky sex. Aren't you guys always going on about variety blah blah blah. Well she wants some.


Actually, Floxie, Matt isn't too far off the mark. Yes, the OP said kinky sex. But what happens if those men she chooses to chat with decide to look her up? It really wouldn't be all that difficult, even if she never uses her real name. Then what? 

She talks about all this kink, so she can get off with her husband. Meanwhile, there is another guy...or two...or three... who are wanting to f*ck her. What happens when they realize she is toying with them? What happens when they want more and she is not willing to give it? Even better...what happens when the kink she craves NOW isn't enough and it progresses to what Matt described? These guys will track her down. Even if THEY don't hack, they would find someone who DOES, and then show up on her doorstep.

Then there is the other possibility. She could become so attached to one of these men and become disconnected to her husband. What happens then? 

Obviously, this hasn't been thoroughly thought out. 
When you start chatting with someone like that, it opens the door to an affair. Even if the intent isn't there in the beginning... it most definitely CAN happen. 

So, OP, if you REALLY want to do this... I suggest asking your husband if it would be ok with him. Make sure you leave NOTHING out. Tell him you want to talk about kinky sex acts with random strangers online. Oh, and that eventually, you may speak only with these men because you will have developed an attachment to them. Care to guess what his response will be? I can tell you. He will tell you that it is CHEATING. And if you feel the need for kink, watch kinky porn.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Nope. Perhaps you could read what she wrote, again?
> 
> I have a colleague at work who likes the kind of kinky but fun sex you are talking of. (She very kindly tells us about it! ) But the OP talks of being held down and rough sex.
> 
> Being spanked on the bottom is one thing. Being held down and having rough sex? That's more than kinky. That's worrying.


But being held down is just kinky, and I wouldn't even call it kinky, just agressive and alpha (alpahness is a "thing" on this board right?) and its not the same as being raped.

Rape often leaves a woman bruised, bleeding, slashes to their breasts and face, punches, teeth knocked out. I'm sure chrissy isn't looking for that from her husband. She just wants him to be the man, and act like it. Hold her down by her wrists, f*ck her hard, kiss her passionately, grab and spank her a*s, be a carnal, lusty man, that's sexy to a lot of women. Including chrissy clearly. She wants to submit to her husbands sexual whims. Be controlled by him. That's freaking hot to me and I am definitely not a fan of kinky sex from my husband but I LOVE it in porn.

Chrissy, you can help your husband become more comfortable dominaing you intimately by being more submissive to him, in and out of the bedroom. When you guys are having sex, whisper in his ear what you want him to do to you. And when he does it, be enthusiatic about how much you love it. Help him to be more comfortable being "in charge" of you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Actually, Floxie, Matt isn't too far off the mark. Yes, the OP said kinky sex. But what happens if those men she chooses to chat with decide to look her up? It really wouldn't be all that difficult, even if she never uses her real name. Then what?
> 
> She talks about all this kink, so she can get off with her husband. Meanwhile, there is another guy...or two...or three... who are wanting to f*ck her. What happens when they realize she is toying with them? What happens when they want more and she is not willing to give it? Even better...what happens when the kink she craves NOW isn't enough and it progresses to what Matt described? These guys will track her down. Even if THEY don't hack, they would find someone who DOES, and then show up on her doorstep.
> 
> ...


You are right. But here is what the OP actually said, herself:


> My issue is, I like somewhat kinky sex, from being held down, spanking and just a more aggressive type of sex


She likes spanking, OK. A lot of people do. But she also


> likes being held down and a more aggressive type of sex.


_held down, aka forcibly restrained, aggressive sex_, to my mind this is starting to sound awfully like _rape_?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

MattMatt you know I'm into all that being held down, hair pulled, spankings and you don't have a problem with me right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I don't think it's any worse than if she said she wanted to be "tied up and taken".... to each their own. She isn't talking rape. 

OP.... would you be ok with your husband flirting as much as you do, or talking sexy with other women online? As long as it makes him feel sexy, that's all that matters right?


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Flirting may not be cheating, but it's inappropriate. You're _married_. You're telling us you're getting your sexual fix from other men, then getting release from your husband?
> 
> Yeah, that's bad. Stop doing that.
> 
> ...


I guess you are right, that I need to tell him more. I just hate that I always have to initiate it. For once I want him to come in and just take me! I just didn't think flirting at work was such a big deal. I don't want to hurt my husband but I am just frustrated.


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> OK. As part of my job I have to take lots of words and cut out all of the junk words and get to the real core substance.
> 
> You want your husband to have violent sex with you. But he is too much of a _real_ man to do this to you.
> 
> ...


Wow!!!! Rape fantasies and losing my kids? Wtf I like some spanking and a little dominance from him, and you go to that extreme. I get what you ate dating but geez. Your post kind of shocked me!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Have a nice long talk with him about your desires..he may really be into it but both of you are being too shy about it..trust me I one day told hubby about my kinky desires for him to dominate me and he loved it and still does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> MattMatt said it pretty well.
> 
> I was just wondering if this is something new for you or have you always liked the sex a little more aggressive? What was it that made you marry your less aggressive than you'd like husband? Did that feeling go away? Can it be revived?


I actually wanted it more aggressive after we got married. Not sure why but I can't help what turns me on.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Actually, Floxie, Matt isn't too far off the mark. Yes, the OP said kinky sex. But what happens if those men she chooses to chat with decide to look her up? It really wouldn't be all that difficult, even if she never uses her real name. Then what?
> 
> She talks about all this kink, so she can get off with her husband. Meanwhile, there is another guy...or two...or three... who are wanting to f*ck her. What happens when they realize she is toying with them? What happens when they want more and she is not willing to give it? Even better...what happens when the kink she craves NOW isn't enough and it progresses to what Matt described? These guys will track her down. Even if THEY don't hack, they would find someone who DOES, and then show up on her doorstep.
> 
> ...


Maricha, mattmatt is very far off the mark if he thinks that a woman saying she wants to be held down and f*ucked hard by her husband is the same as her wanting to be raped by 2 or more men. Really, is not even comparable. Maybe she just wants passion, desire, pure ****ty lust with her husband. I think that should be aplauded if anything.

I do agree that her having sexually intimate conversations with other men is wrong. It would be bad fo her marriage. I won't get into all of the other stuff you mentioned, because that's all so unlikely that its actually funny to read lol

Its like saying you shouldn't go to the store cause their might be a robber, the robber might kidnap you, then he could ransom you to a pig farmer, but the farmers out of pigs so he gives a cow instead, but the robber doesn't eat beef etc 

Chrissy don't have sexual conversations with other men, its not right and I think you know that  just help your husband become the lover that you want. Also understand that that may not be natural to him, so you've gotta compromise and work with him. He's your husband and he loves you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

chrissyl0ve said:


> I guess you are right, that I need to tell him more. I just hate that I always have to initiate it. For once I want him to come in and just take me! I just didn't think flirting at work was such a big deal. I don't want to hurt my husband but I am just frustrated.


Chrissy, you said he tries to do what you like, but just doesn't "get it", right? That means you have told him, explicitly, what you like/want? What about showing him? Try kinky porn to give him ideas of what you want. And, if you're tired of initiating, tell him. Tell him you want him to take the lead sometimes, too.


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm with my husband now so I will have to respond later. I honestly didn't think this would be such a big deal. I am actually rethinking all of this...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> MattMatt you know I'm into all that being held down, hair pulled, spankings and you don't have a problem with me right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As is a work colleague, so no problem there.

However, I got an unpleasant vibe from the OP, almost as if she is just going to push it that little bit further, really rub her husband's nose in it, and potentially eventually find herself in all kinds of trouble.

She is going to involve OM in her marriage, and in so doing is going to turn her husband into a cyber cuckold. 

She'll get her real sex from her OM and then get some kind of sexual relief from her husband. 

That sounds a bit disrespectful to me. Almost as if she sees him as some kind of sexual surrogate for the OM?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

explain that you've read some bdsm stories online, print some out, show him so he knows what you're talkin about..just a suggestion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Disagree. My wife likes me to hold her down and be forceful. She does not have rape fantasies. She's told me enough of her other kinky fantasies that I would know it If she had rape fantasies.

Chrissy,
You would start this with the best of intentions but these other men would become attached to you. When you did not feel the same you'd come off as a tease and make them angry. Or more likely you'd develop an attachment to one of them. He'd really understand you, hd be your soulmate. What you're proposing is really a gateway to an affair. Do you want to stay wi your husband? Then don't do this.

Communicate. Find some porn that shows it the way you like it. Watch it together. Tell him you want that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

floxie said:


> Maricha, mattmatt is very far off the mark if he thinks that a woman saying she wants to be held down and f*ucked hard by her husband is the same as her wanting to be raped by 2 or more men. Really, is not even comparable. Maybe she just wants passion, desire, pure ****ty lust with her husband. I think that should be aplauded if anything.
> 
> I do agree that her having sexually intimate conversations with other men is wrong. It would be bad fo her marriage. I won't get into all of the other stuff you mentioned, because that's all so unlikely that its actually funny to read lol
> 
> ...


I never mentioned two or more men.

She will talk or have video chats with men or a man about the kind of sex she fantasises about them giving her, then go and have sex with her husband. 

Anyone see the potential for some disrespect, there?


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

I'm quite sure you have already done what you are asking permission to do---am I correct?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

chrissyl0ve said:


> I actually wanted it more aggressive after we got married. Not sure why but I can't help what turns me on.


Will this be an ongoing evolution do you think? Did something precipitate these after marriage desires? Btw,this is just out of curiosity.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> Maricha, mattmatt is very far off the mark if he thinks that a woman saying she wants to be held down and f*ucked hard by her husband is the same as her wanting to be raped by 2 or more men. Really, is not even comparable. Maybe she just wants passion, desire, pure ****ty lust with her husband. I think that should be aplauded if anything.


And, I agree, if she wants her HUSBAND to do those things, fine... but she was talking about chatting with other men about it. I agree with you, not a good idea for the marriage. Matt, initially, didn't say anything was wrong with wanting her HUSBAND to do it. What he was addressing was OTHER MEN.



> I do agree that her having sexually intimate conversations with other men is wrong. It would be bad fo her marriage. *I won't get into all of the other stuff you mentioned, because that's all so unlikely that its actually funny to read lol*
> 
> Its like saying you shouldn't go to the store cause their might be a robber, the robber might kidnap you, then he could ransom you to a pig farmer, but the farmers out of pigs so he gives a cow instead, but the robber doesn't eat beef etc


Which part is unlikely? The possible rapist tracking her down? Or an EA developing? Seriously, neither is that difficult to do. If she chats with MSN/Yahoo/AIM, all you have to do is search for the ID, see if any similar names are used, etc... Guess what? You have the identity. It isn't as unlikely as you think. 

And the EA developing? Clearly that won't happen. She is married, after all... how can you develop feelings for someone else that you chat with regularly, when you are married, right? 

The one thing you and I agree on, don't do sexy chats/kinky chats/flirting with someone other than your own spouse.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

chrissyl0ve said:


> I guess you are right, that I need to tell him more. I just hate that I always have to initiate it. For once I want him to come in and just take me! I just didn't think flirting at work was such a big deal. I don't want to hurt my husband but I am just frustrated.


I felt I should post this, since it seems appropriate for this conversation.

Louis CK - Rape - YouTube

The point is, he's your husband, and you should _tell him_ you want aggressive sex. Maybe he's nervous about doing this, because, as MattMatt is pointing out, it does feel a bit rape-y.

Why not tell him you _really_, _badly_ want him to come home one day and just angry [email protected]#$ you? Tell him to surprise you. If he is still apprehensive, designate an outfit for yourself that you both mutually understand as the "angry-sex outfit." This way, when he gets home from work and sees you wearing it, he will feel more comfortable about taking and ravaging you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chrissyl0ve said:


> Wow!!!! Rape fantasies and losing my kids? Wtf I like some spanking and a little dominance from him, and you go to that extreme. I get what you ate dating but geez. Your post kind of shocked me!


Good. I meant it to. Why? Because trust me, the kind of men you'd speak to who go for talks about sexual dominance in chatrooms or on line almost certainly do harbour rape fantasies. Or worse.

And what might start as some innocent chats about light or heavy bondage, spanking, etc., could get pretty nasty, eventually. 

There was a case in the UK when a man started off with some fairly mild flirtatious, sexy chats with a couple of women on a chat forum. Eventually he got these two innocent as lambs, ordinary women so warped that they -and he- are doing jail time as a result of what he -eventually- had them doing for him. Their husbands divorced them and got full custody of their children. But it did all start out as some fairly innocent, flirtatious chats...


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> And, I agree, if she wants her HUSBAND to do those things, fine... but she was talking about chatting with other men about it. I agree with you, not a good idea for the marriage. Matt, initially, didn't say anything was wrong with wanting her HUSBAND to do it. What he was addressing was OTHER MEN.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Matt actually said chrissy's husband is too much of "real man" to have rough sex with her. His post is on the first page somwhere. Apparently to him, only a rapist or sadist would be that lusty and carnal with their wives..... real men are much too precious for that lol

I won't retype my store robber/pig farmer story lol, I'm sure you understood it the first time. An EA is possible, all of the other stuff (though possible) is highly unlikey. Just because a guy wants to pull hair pr smack her a*s, it doesn't mean he wants to track her down, stalk her, and rape her. It really doesn't...

I think chrissy gets it, naughty messaging with others is bad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah when you are talking with other men about things like that it can get dangerous..these could be creepy men looking for a woman to control, brainwash and rape. Please don't talk to any othe men but hubby
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

chrissyl0ve said:


> I am 31 and I have been married for 4 years and together for 8 years. I love my husband and he is a wonderful husband and father. We have two kids, ages 1 and 3. We have sex every other day or so, and sometimes it is great sex and sometimes just ok. I know there are times he watches porn and I'm fine with that. My issue is, I like somewhat kinky sex, from being held down, spanking and just a more aggressive type of sex. My husband trys but he just doesn't do those kind of things I want. So I kind of flirt at work and get a lot of attention that I love. I don't do anything else but I was thinking of maybe starting to chat online with someone. I would have some sexual chat and then have sex with my husband. It may sound bad, but I see it as my kind of porn. What is the difference? He is watching girls and getting pleasure and I would have fun with just words on a computer. Do you see anything really bad about this?


One is looking at pictures and videos. The other is unfaithful / cheating with a real person.

Also you are fine with his porn usage. He is not fine with your flirting? If not you are being unfaithful by definitaion when you do it. Does he know what you are doing?

Porn is not tha same as cheating unless it involves real interaction with other people. I am not arguing that porn in itesle is good or bad. But is it not the same as cheating with another person.

So I suggest you knock it off for the good of your marriage unless your husband is ok with the level of open marriage.

In essence you admit to going outside your marriage to be satified. Are you also telling others about your husbands inability to satify you? I hope you work it out with him and stop being unfaithful. At some point if this is a deal breaker for you then it would be better to divorce him before you seek out others.

Is he cyber sexing like you are?

Why did you marry him?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

chrissyl0ve said:


> I was thinking of maybe starting to chat online with someone. I would have some sexual chat and then have sex with my husband. It may sound bad, but I see it as my kind of porn. What is the difference? He is watching girls and getting pleasure and I would have fun with just words on a computer. Do you see anything really bad about this?


When you have to start stretching to justify it, it's cheating. And yes, it's cheating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

floxie said:


> Matt actually said chrissy's husband is too much of "real man" to have rough sex with her. His post is on the first page somwhere. Apparently to him, only a rapist or sadist would be that lusty and carnal with their wives..... real men are much too precious for that lol
> 
> I won't retype my store robber/pig farmer story lol, I'm sure you understood it the first time. An EA is possible, all of the other stuff (though possible) is highly unlikey. Just because a guy wants to pull hair pr smack her a*s, it doesn't mean he wants to track her down, stalk her, and rape her. It really doesn't...
> 
> ...


If mocking another poster at TAM make you feel special, if you require that for a bit of validation? Then good for you! Go for it! :smthumbup:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

chrissyl0ve said:


> Ok so why is porn ok for a guy then? He is looking at other women, I would be reading words on a screen. I don't get it.


You said you are ok with it. is he ok with what you do?

The answer to this is all that matters really.

If you are doing this behind his back then is is doubly bad. If he asked you not to do and you go ahead anyway then ... you do the math.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jibril said:


> Flirting may not be cheating, but it's inappropriate. You're _married_. You're telling us you're getting your sexual fix from other men, then getting release from your husband?
> 
> Yeah, that's bad. Stop doing that.
> 
> ...


You are awesome, I love your posts!

Not just insightful but very good advice as well. You have a way of getting to the real deal and cutting through the garbage.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think the OP has what can be classified as a fetish.
Because her husband is probably not into that stuff,she finds it hard to satisfy her sexual desires outside of that fetish.
People who have fetishes only get sexual satisfaction through their particular fetish.
The BDSM turns her on so much that she is seeking out like minded people outside of her marriage to flip her switch on.
She is thinking that nothing is wrong wioth it because after the initial stimuli , she goes and has sex with her husband.[Hence her justification of his porn usage.]
Maybe she needs some sort of counselling [ probably sex therapist?] to fix the problem.
I say problem because her husband is just not into BDSM.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> OK. As part of my job I have to take lots of words and cut out all of the junk words and get to the real core substance.
> 
> You want your husband to have violent sex with you. But he is too much of a _real_ man to do this to you.
> 
> ...


More greatness!!!


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> If mocking another poster at TAM make you feel special, if you require that for a bit of validation? Then good for you! Go for it! :smthumbup:


It's what you said, so I assume it's also what you meant? If you feel mocked, sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Actually, Floxie, Matt isn't too far off the mark. Yes, the OP said kinky sex. But what happens if those men she chooses to chat with decide to look her up? It really wouldn't be all that difficult, even if she never uses her real name. Then what?
> 
> She talks about all this kink, so she can get off with her husband. Meanwhile, there is another guy...or two...or three... who are wanting to f*ck her. What happens when they realize she is toying with them? What happens when they want more and she is not willing to give it? Even better...what happens when the kink she craves NOW isn't enough and it progresses to what Matt described? These guys will track her down. Even if THEY don't hack, they would find someone who DOES, and then show up on her doorstep.
> 
> ...


Yes. Next up is Craiglist or some cheater sight where guys want to actually hookup. Once the justification starts ... why not!? Pictures and vids and actually meeting. That is where this goes. Then it is blamed on the spouse. It is blamed on porn. Gee whizbang!! UFB.

But at the very least this is destructive to the primary relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> MattMatt you know I'm into all that being held down, hair pulled, spankings and you don't have a problem with me right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes but you do this only with your husband .......


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

chrissyl0ve said:


> I guess you are right, that I need to tell him more. I just hate that I always have to initiate it. For once I want him to come in and just take me! I just didn't think flirting at work was such a big deal. I don't want to hurt my husband but I am just frustrated.


Tell him you want that and that otherwsie you are seeking satisfaction form other men. He will either get mad at you or take you like Grant took Richmond or both. We are saying try to work this out with your husband and not seek to be unfaithful to him.

With your logic if a man liked gang bangs he would be justified in seeking that outside of marriage because that is what turns him on. Most of us would say if he must do this then to divorce first and not be unfaithful.

What you are suggesting is pretty much an excuse to simulate if not have sex with other men.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think flirting becomes cheating when you approach a chick/guy other then your spouse like your spouse isn't around.

So if you can flirt like your spouse is standing right next to you, then its not cheating.

If a spouse can live there life like there SO is always next to them then I don't think flirting would even be an issue. Hell it won't even happen.....


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I don't know what all the hubbub is about.

He watches porn? What guy doesn't. You are still doing it every other day or so, so his porn watching hasn't taken out of your action time.

But that doesn't mean you go out and find ACTUAL PEOPLE to connect your fantasies to.

Be it co workers, or some online service, or a phone service.

Why? Because that will cause emotional attachment.

You said it yourself, your husband is a great husband and father to you and your 2 children.

Why even consider an outside source for pleasure when it will jeopardize your marriage and household? 

If you explain it to him and show him some examples (aka porn) then he might get it a little more.

The thing is though, as much as it's a 'fantasy' or 'fetish' for you now (after you got married it became more intense right?) he might not be able to reach that limit you want .. you have to ask yourself, is it worth it?

When does it start to become a selfish thing?

I am not saying you are selfish for wanting these things, by no means at all. But you need to consider and way out the options.

Either this becomes the snowball for downing your marriage 10 years from now because you hold resentment for him not giving it to you like you've always wanted .. 

Or you try to find a happy medium that you both can agree on.

Maybe he isn't comfortable going all the way with it, so meeting half way could be an option?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is a huge difference between looking a pic or a movie or reading a book and actually interacting with another person. 

You have no real chance of actually meeting the person in the pic/movie, the people in the book aren't real, and the author isn't someone you know, and even if you did they wouldn't know you or care about you.

But email, texting, phone, and flirting are all building a relationship with another person, and that is what crosses the line.

Throw in that the interaction is about sex or that you get sexual response from it, and yes it is cheating.

It's especially troubling given the kind of sex you enjoy - I have nothing against that kind of sex, sounds fun - but the problem is that it is about you releasing control and giving total trust to the other person. The only person alive you should be doing that with is your husband. Giving that trust/control over to someone else, in any way is very much cheating and it's deeply betraying your vow to your husband. Very much crossing the forsaking all others clause.

Now if you want specific things then work with your husband and have him learn to do them. It's not that hard once you get into it, but it is a new thing to learn. Try getting some movies of stuff you like and watch them with him so he can learn the tricks/moves and do not forget your safe word!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know something, I think I DO have an issue with violent or rough sex. Even though I know that consenting husband and wife rough sex is absolutely fine.

My issue is that a former girl friend of mine was subject to what her husband called rough sex, but which were, in reality, violent assaults including rapes that nearly left her dead on one occasion.

There were some times when I would touch her (not even during sex, necessarily) and she'd freak out, reacting very badly. Seeing my normally totally together girl friend become a sobbing mess really was hard for me to take, though I did my best to comfort her.

The fact that I had inadvertently brought those bad memories back to her made me feel like a real POS. 

The problem for any woman looking to talk or message or meet up with men who are into rough sex, is that they have no way of knowing if they are communicating with or meeting with a nasty POS like my former girl friend's husband. Who was, she told me, a real nice, cool chap, a professional of some standing, too, until when he snapped he became a real monster, capable of rape and violent enough to kill.

_It really is not worth the risk._

However, I fear the OP might already have done what she said she was thinking of. I do hope not.

Incidentally, my former girl friend's ordeal was in the 1970s and at that time marital rape was NOT a crime in the UK.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband shouldn't be watching porn and you shouldn't be flirting nor chatting with other people. Both of you should be focusing your sexual energies on each other and flirting with each other. 
As for your fantasies, he should be willing to indulge in yours and you his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You know something, I think I DO have an issue with violent or rough sex. Even though I know that consenting husband and wife rough sex is absolutely fine.
> 
> My issue is that a former girl friend of mine was subject to what her husband called rough sex, but which were, in reality, violent assaults including rapes that nearly left her dead on one occasion.
> 
> ...


You have a good point, these people are strangers not her husband and she could get raped for real..so I do understand what you are saying..I trust and know my husband so what we do is play and have fun with it..because he cares and loves me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

chrissyl0ve said:


> Ok so why is porn ok for a guy then? He is looking at other women, I would be reading words on a screen. I don't get it.



Porn isn't interactive. You're not watching, and enjoying, a "real" person. You're strictly an observer watching an image that was recorded.

Your analogy doesn't work. A chat online is human connection and contact. If you engage with this other person you are involved in human relationship. Just "words on a screen" would be you reading an erotic novel or story. This is far beyond that. I suspect you know this and are just looking for an excuse to have a cyber affair.


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## chrissyl0ve (Jul 14, 2012)

Thank you for all of your responses. No, I have not engaged in what I was thinking about and I definitely WILL NOT be doing any of it! MattMatt you freaked me out big time lol and then all of the other advice was great too. I'm really not as bad as it seems. I do not want to be raped! I like it a bit more aggressive sometimes but I don't want to be beat up or anything. Actually, there are a lot of women that like what I like. I'm just going to have my husband read 50 shades of grey haha (again I'm not that extreme but did enjoy the book). Anyways I get all of your points about porn and the difference and I appreciate your help. I would never want to jeopardize what I have with my husband or my family. I will have to talk to my husband more and your responses made me wake up!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chrissyl0ve said:


> Thank you for all of your responses. No, I have not engaged in what I was thinking about and I definitely WILL NOT be doing any of it! MattMatt you freaked me out big time lol and then all of the other advice was great too. I'm really not as bad as it seems. I do not want to be raped! I like it a bit more aggressive sometimes but I don't want to be beat up or anything. Actually, there are a lot of women that like what I like. I'm just going to have my husband read 50 shades of grey haha (again I'm not that extreme but did enjoy the book). Anyways I get all of your points about porn and the difference and I appreciate your help. I would never want to jeopardize what I have with my husband or my family. I will have to talk to my husband more and your responses made me wake up!


I am glad, Chrissy. I think my response was coloured by what happened to my former girl friend. What you said worried me for your safety. You cannot be too careful. You need to remember that your husband loves you, other men would not love you like he does.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

chrissyl0ve said:


> I am 31 and I have been married for 4 years and together for 8 years. I love my husband and he is a wonderful husband and father. We have two kids, ages 1 and 3. We have sex every other day or so, and sometimes it is great sex and sometimes just ok. I know there are times he watches porn and I'm fine with that. My issue is, I like somewhat kinky sex, from being held down, spanking and just a more aggressive type of sex. My husband trys but he just doesn't do those kind of things I want. So I kind of flirt at work and get a lot of attention that I love. I don't do anything else but I was thinking of maybe starting to chat online with someone. I would have some sexual chat and then have sex with my husband. It may sound bad, but I see it as my kind of porn. What is the difference? He is watching girls and getting pleasure and I would have fun with just words on a computer. Do you see anything really bad about this?


RED ALERT READ ALERT. If you don't stop you going to have an Affair. You are flirting with other men to get attention. Which you H would be pissed about. You are going to go online and start a cyber sex affair which your husband would be pissed about. Then you would probably end up finding someone online that is sexually compatible and local. Then one day when you are sexually frustrated to might start meeting said guy. Then start talking about marriage issues. Then sex issues, then you'd have even more issues since he randomly jumps you and you ride him for all he's worth. Then you husband finds out and now you have a D, an OM who is unwilling to commit to you, and you have to live with all that.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

It becomes cheating when you're doing something you wouldn't want your husband to do. Would you be upset if you found out he was flirting at work to get attention, or having sexual chats with someone online before having sex with you so he would enjoy it more?

I'm willing to bet you'd have a problem with that, so don't do it. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with your husband doing.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

I havent read all the responses on here....but I flirt with other women...I do it infront of my wife and when she's not around. 
However, its with 'our' friends with whom it would never go further than innocent flirting....and they flirt back...also in the knowledge it wouldn't go further.

A male watching porn is simply visual stimulation...we don't know the woman, we don't know where she is, she is 'acting' for the camera.

Having a one to one in cyber space is so much closer to 'home'...you are interacting with one person and they are responding to you personally. Whether you think cyber 'sex' is actually being unfaithful or not is a matter for personal intepretation.
But on a sliding scale, I think cyber sex is less of an 'offence' than actual physical sex, but still an 'offence' none the less.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You're Ok with him and porn. Ask him if he's OK with what you're talking about doing


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

floxie said:


> ^^^^^^This isn't fair to say and its's untrue^^^^^^
> 
> *She didn't say she wanted to be raped,or have violent sex. She said kinky sex. Aren't you guys always going on about variety blah blah blah. Well she wants some. *
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: I laughed when I read the posts saying Chrissy wanted to be raped. Sexual assault is nowhere near consenual and aggressive sex with a spouse. 

My husband and I like to mix it up; sometimes engage in tender lovemaking where we stare into each others eyes while moving slowly and sensually together. Other times, I get to enjoy doggie style with hard slaps on my ass and furiously fast f**king. My husband will also talk dirty to me and pin my wrists down if I am on my back. It is something I definitely want, so how on earth can anyone call aggressive sex "rape"? :rofl:

A better solution would to watch kinky porn and then go to bed with your husband, Chrissy. You are not being faithful when you have sexy online chats with men. Be honest with your husband about how important a little aggression during sex is to you. I'm sure you can come to a compromise.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Everything...
and besides the fact that this is wrong, who is it that you planned on chatting with? just curious.
If it is someone you know it seems like you have already started a bit of an EA.
You should back off of this whole thing. You are looking for an excuse to be bad. Go home to your husband and be bad. 
He needs to stop porn.


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