# For those that know my story, the wedding pictures came in the mail today



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Very tough day. I woke up having dreamt about her - I had knots in my stomach. I began having thoughts about pictures we took together and it made me cry. I didn't know that my body was having an intuition about what was to come.

I went to the mail and there was a check for her from her school and the wedding pictures. My heart sank and the knots got stronger. 

I have done incredibly well with having no contact - it is a month and a week and a half since she moved out and just over a month since I last saw her. There has been no contact otherwise. 

Just the other day, I noticed that her toolbox was still here, but I was planning on just keeping it. She has also gotten other unimportant mail but I have just thrown it away. She obviously did not do a mail forwarding card at the post office. A friend of mine has offered to drop off the check and the pictures with her friend at her job and I am going to let him do that so I don't have to have any contact. I certainly don't even want to see those pictures or keep a copy of the zip drive. 

It has been a slow go in my recovery - my ego self has been really trying to hold on - but i have more and more moments of clarity and peace, but today is a serious set back. Last week was her birthday and that hit me hard too. 

I don't quite know why I am grieving so hard the loss of an alcoholic liar and cheater. Writing this out helps. I still have moments of just being completely incredulous that someone is capable of doing what she did (engaging at least emotionally with the drunk alcoholic ex even before the wedding, then nose-diving further into the bars, alcohol and weed - and him - after being married, instead of trying to turn herself around) and then just completely turning away with no remorse whatsoever. 

She is a very, very cold and dark human being and I want no reminders of it all. Thankfully, I have had absolutely zero contact with any of those bar friends either which is probably good, but it still amazes me that none of them give enough of a crap to check on me. 

I'm getting tired of the emotional roller coaster. My spiritual side gets it and when I meditate and see my spiritual counselor it all makes sense and I find moments of peace. But my ego side is still majorly hurting and trying to make sense of it all and that side seems to be the stronger right now. 

At least my previous ex-wife had the balls to come clean about the cheating, and I believe that is a big part as to why we were able to become friends again and still are. This most recent ex lives a life of lies and deception and she can't be bothered with feeling remorse, considering repercussions in life, and/or considering that she may have work to do on herself. 

Anyway... I just wanted to get that out.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Betterman said:


> Very tough day. I woke up having dreamt about her - I had knots in my stomach. I began having thoughts about pictures we took together and it made me cry. I didn't know that my body was having an intuition about what was to come.
> 
> I went to the mail and there was a check for her from her school and the wedding pictures. My heart sank and the knots got stronger.
> 
> ...


Dude, why did you marry this person?? Humans are self-destructive so just ALWAYS remember that...DUDE


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Are you in any type of therapy? You need to work on your "woman picker skills" with a professional.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know how much this must have hurt. It sounds trite, but your wounds are still pretty fresh, my god its only been a month and you said you are mostly doing fairly well. Of course seeing this classic reminder of what might have been took you down a peg. Let it. It means you are human and you care. So have today, and then get out there in life tomorrow. 

Its the weekend. Do you have any plans? You should make some just so your one day of moping doesn't turn into a long weekend of moping.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Yes, as I mentioned, I am seeing a counselor. Actually two - a traditional counselor to help me with my "picker" and co-dependency issues and a spiritual counselor because that resonates with me.

I met her very shortly after my last divorce and I was clearly not far enough along in that healing process. It then had its own momentum and in the beginning I had no idea how deep her damage was. She is a very good actor and deceiver and I was buying all of it. Also, there was obviously some of the time when she seemed like a different person - she may actually have multiple personalities. But either way, there some good times as well. 

The bottom line - to my own co-dependent peril - was that I saw a good side and I believed her that this was who she really was. The horrible side only slowly (and cyclicly) built up. Sadly, I invested a great deal of emotion in her, and though I thought many times before about ending it, she apparently started to feel like I was closing in on her lying and cheating, and came up with a violin story to initiate the end herself. 

I know that I have a lot of my own work to do and I have been doing that work. It's just that trigger event days are especially hard.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Pluto - thank you for your understanding. I know you're familiar with the whole thing. I do have weekend plans. I'm doing wine tasting and dinner with a friend tonight and then tomorrow I have my daughter for an overnight visit, so that will be cool. 

PS - I did decide that I wanted to maintain no contact with her regarding the wedding pictures (I'm sure she doesn't care about the pictures since she never followed up on them to begin with), and so I took my friend up on his offer to just drop them off with her friend at her job. At first, I thought that I didn't want her to think I am being weak by not reaching out to her directly, but then I realized it doesn't matter what she thinks and perhaps dropping them off via a friend will come across as ambivalence, anyway.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Take the wedding pictures out back and burn them. Use your phone to video it. 

Treat it like a funeral, where you say farewell to your marriage. Mourn it like you would the death of a loved one. It will set the image in your mind and you can work off that. 

You will be okay friend. You will heal, just let it process through you. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to hit something, take a hammer and drive some nails, chop some wood, do something to let it out....

Don't try to keep the anger and hurt inside you. 

Are you exercising, eating right, lifting weights? Working out is a great way to relieve stress and it makes you feel better. Now is the time to work on yourself and become the man you have always dreamed of being. Without her there to drag you down, you can be that man.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Betterman said:


> Pluto - thank you for your understanding. I know you're familiar with the whole thing. I do have weekend plans. I'm doing wine tasting and dinner with a friend tonight and then tomorrow I have my daughter for an overnight visit, so that will be cool.
> 
> PS - I did decide that I wanted to maintain no contact with her regarding the wedding pictures (I'm sure she doesn't care about the pictures since she never followed up on them to begin with), and so I took my friend up on his offer to just drop them off with her friend at her job. *At first, I thought that I didn't want her to think I am being weak by not reaching out to her directly, but then I realized it doesn't matter what she thinks *and perhaps dropping them off via a friend will come across as ambivalence, anyway.



Betterman, this is wonderful! So very, very proud of you.

And a nice bar-b-que in the backyard courtesy of some unwanted photos could be nice and cathartic.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

You know, some of the people on this Forum are simply amazing! Very wonderful people here. I look forward to being able to help others based on my own experiences - once I get through this most difficult stage.

Bandit - you are the best! Always insightful and motivating at the same time.

And Pluto, thank you again for your encouraging words - they really do make a difference.

I will come back with more info later, but right now, I'm looking forward to getting out and about and enjoy some vino and dinner with a friend.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Betterman said:


> You know, some of the people on this Forum are simply amazing! Very wonderful people here. I look forward to being able to help others based on my own experiences - once I get through this most difficult stage.
> 
> Bandit - you are the best! Always insightful and motivating at the same time.
> 
> ...


There you go. 

Worst thing you can do is sit around and mope at home.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Lovely dinner out last night. So, here is the latest. My buddy was unable to drop off the check and pictures at my STBX's friend's job because that girl has moved away. I didn't want to leave a check at some random place, so I picked up the check and pictures and texted my STBX that I had the check (didn't mention the pictures) and where should I send it? This was last night.

This is where it gets kind of amusing. She won't give me an address. She texts me back that she has to be in my part of town today and she will pick it up - I live 30 minutes away!! It's kind of funny.

I know for a fact that the day she moved out, she moved right in with her equally alcoholic ex-boyfriend - the OM for those not familiar with my saga. She is still trying to be secretive and shady and lie. She apparently is so oblivious that she thinks that I - and everybody else! - don't know that she cheated and that she moved right in with the OM. So today, she texts that her plans fell through and she'll get with me Monday to pick it up. Still doesn't want to give up an address!! 

Two other things: 

First, while texting her, I noticed in the text thread that even as recently as the end of May through early June, I was still getting "Hello Dear" type texts (she moved out mid June). It also reminded me that the very weekend before we had "the talk" and she moved out, we were at the beach - with her Mom and other family members - and we had sex that weekend (though she was very cold and distant most of the time). Amazing how this girl can turn it on and off like a light switch. This in turn reminded me of an event that was, in hindsight, very foreboding. The first time that we had sex (almost three years ago), I distinctly remember her getting on top of me and she was trying to be sexy and make a sexy face, but her face changed - it was so strange and surreal, it almost looked evil and she had this expression that looked mean and angry and dark even though she was trying to be sexy. It was so strange. Anyway...

Second, I have decided to give her the wedding pictures if she wants them. I am putting them in with her check. The reason why is that her Mom is a very nice person and she may want to save some of the family pictures. If my ExW doesn't want them, I will indeed have a funeral ceremony with them. If she takes them, I will conduct a funeral ceremony with the remaining other pictures still on my computer.

I must say that I still have bouts of shock and incredulity that this has even happened. That this girl asked me to marry her last August(!), emotionally crying and telling me I'm her soulmate and that she can't see her life without me, goes crazy planning a wedding and being excited, then within 3-4 months gradually nose-dives back into DAILY binge drinking, starts re-connecting with the ex, within two more months is at least mostly checked out emotionally, gets married anyway(!!!), then within another two months (still drinking like a champ and indulging even further in the ex), we're done. We have "the talk" (almost a month and a half ago now) and 48 hours later, she's moved out and living with him. And I'm sitting there asking myself, "WTF just happened? Is this real?" It's unbelievable.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Betterman said:


> Lovely dinner out last night. So, here is the latest. My buddy was unable to drop off the check and pictures at my STBX's friend's job because that girl has moved away. I didn't want to leave a check at some random place, so I picked up the check and pictures and texted my STBX that I had the check (didn't mention the pictures) and where should I send it? This was last night.
> 
> This is where it gets kind of amusing. She won't give me an address. She texts me back that she has to be in my part of town today and she will pick it up - I live 30 minutes away!! It's kind of funny.
> 
> ...


Just mail the check to the OM house. She isn't going to give you the address where she is living and waiting around for her to find time in her "busy" schedule to pick it up just let's her enjoy a Lil power trip over you as you wait. 

Take the drama out of this, she gets her check and she will know that you know where she is living with the OM. It will also annoy her greatly.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Big boy pants. Text her back "Coming over to my home isn't going to work for me. Without an address for you I'll just send it all to your Mom's."

Quit letting her dictate what happens in your life.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Big boy pants. Text her back "Coming over to my home isn't going to work for me. Without an address for you I'll just send it all to your Mom's."
> 
> Quit letting her dictate what happens in your life.


Perfect.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Betterman said:


> Very tough day. I woke up having dreamt about her - I had knots in my stomach. I began having thoughts about pictures we took together and it made me cry. I didn't know that my body was having an intuition about what was to come.
> 
> I went to the mail and there was a check for her from her school and the wedding pictures. My heart sank and the knots got stronger.
> 
> ...


You are on the right path.
As painful as it is right now, it gets easier.
You have made a lot of progress and as long as you continue to do so, you'll be more than alright. Yes, there will be setbacks (like the pictures), and that takes you a step back. But as long as you take two steps forward, one step back still takes you where you want to go. 

As for the crappy bar friends who never bothered to check up on you or ask about you...been there. Except mine wasn't a bar friend, it was my sister-in-law who "used" to be a friend to me once. I separated from my husband (her brother) for a year, she never once asked how me or my daughter was doing. Husband and I are back together now...a week ago I visited his mom and my sister in law was there. She said hello to me in the coldest, quietest way possible...and I barely returned the hello. Didn't look at her either. So yeah, I know how it feels to expect friends/family to at least ask about how you are doing, and to know they don't give a sh!t about you. And you know what...it's painful, BUT IT'S FOR THE BEST. I no longer have room in my life for people who suck the happiness out of my life. The farther they are, the better!


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Thank you, Orange pekoe, for your reply. She came and picked up her stuff while I was traveling. I texted and told her firmly, that she will come all the way out to my house and pick up her stuff - including the wedding pictures - while I am on the road and if she didn't I will mail to her boyfriend's house. I also told her to bring back my tool bag. She came, she picked up, she left my tool bag, and there was no communication. Perfect.

Last night, when I came back from my trip, I sat down to meditate and I cried and questioned for 30 minutes. It was very powerful. Today, was the first day in almost six weeks that I spent the whole day in a state of joy and didn't reflect on her at all. I am so grateful for today. I may be a wreck again tomorrow, but I had today and it was wonderful. I am beginning to realize that this whole thing with her, was actually about something bigger than that. I won't get into details, but so grateful for a day.


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