# How do you know if communication between the DS and the OP has really ended?



## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

I confronted the OP earlier this year and asked if she was still communicating with my DS, she said they communicated via e-mail a hand full of times and it was platonic. He was helping her with a computer problem she had. Just a little background info, once I found out about the affair I told my husband that in order to work on our marriage he had to cut any and all contact with this female. I asked, if you both were supposed to have ended contact, how did he know something was wrong with your computer? She started to falter in her speech so I asked what email address did he use and she replied she doesn't know. I asked my husband and he said he hadn't spoken to her in months. How do I know who is telling the truth? He is more in tune with me and our children, we spend more time together, on his days off he doesn't stay up late on the computer like he used to. We talk more and laugh more. Will I ever know? She seemed pretty calm, like she was just going with the flow but I called her bluff and told her to send me or show me the emails if they were so platonic and that was 3 months ago and nothing yet. Am I beating a dead horse trying to fight for my marriage? If I don't know, is it better to just assume its true and end my marriage since the stories are not matching up or do I stay and continue to allow adultry and deception to invade my life? Any suggestions, comments would be great. I do love my husband and I have been fighting for us but if he is fighting against me, is it still worth it?
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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

The stories will never match up and you will never fully know everything that has gone on. Months from now you will still be asking yourself "How do you know if communication between the DS and the OP has really ended?" and the answer is that you won't really know.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

You will never know.. and as long as they are still talking to each other and you keep finding evidence of it, they will keep lying.

Make him commit to complete transparency. You can look in his phone whenever you want, you can check his emails, you can check anything you want and he WILL give it to you or else. He has broken your trust, and now he must face those consequences and complete transparency is one of them. If he won't do it, he has something to hide.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> The stories will never match up and you will never fully know everything that has gone on. Months from now you will still be asking yourself "How do you know if communication between the DS and the OP has really ended?" and the answer is that you won't really know.


Sadly, this is true. Because once the seed of doubt and mistrust has been planted, it never truly goes away


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Also beware of the OP's lies. If she wants to get back together with your H, she will lie to you so that you confront him and drive him back to her. It happened to me.


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> You will never know.. and as long as they are still talking to each other and you keep finding evidence of it, they will keep lying.
> 
> Make him commit to complete transparency. You can look in his phone whenever you want, you can check his emails, you can check anything you want and he WILL give it to you or else. He has broken your trust, and now he must face those consequences and complete transparency is one of them. If he won't do it, he has something to hide.



I have done some of the steps. I do have access to cell phone records and home phone records but NOT email. I actually plan on having a heart to heart with him soon to incorporate the full transparency. One thing that I did not mention in my post is the day I confronted her, he ended up showing up because I told him what she was saying and it was a big scene, cops were called, etc. He later found out that she told the cops he damaged her door so there is going to be a court date next week for a criminal mischief charge for him supposedly damaging her door. The only thing is he doesn't know I know about the court date. I saw a letter when he checked the mail about two weeks ago but waited until he went to work to read it and sure enough he has to appear in court next week and if he is found guilty it will go on his record. It has been almost two weeks and he still has not mentioned this court date to me. That also makes me wonder why wouldn't he tell me?This will impact his/our future and his record. I would think you would tell your wife, right? I can't believe he can not see how out of control this whole situation is getting. She is slowly destroying us and he is allowing it. I will definitely keep everyone posted because I plan on being at that court house next week and if I get the opportunity, he is going to have to verbally tell her his "no contact letter" in front of me and if he refuses, I will more than leave the court house. I will leave him. I can't and will not continue on this destructive path. It is not healthy for me or my children. I know they know something is very wrong in our home and I will just have to be strong. Please keep me in your prayers.
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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

You will be in my prayers hun. 

I can't believe he is still communicating with this women and shes pressing charges on him... wtf is that? is he brain damaged?

Wait don't answer that...

BE at that court house... DEMAND DEMAND DEMAND.. if he can't serve it up.. you have your answer.. I'll be thinking of you and wish you luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One thing to keep in mind is that even though you're monitoring the old sources of contact, there's nothing stopping him from setting up new methods. A pre-paid cell phone, new e-mail addresses, Skype, etc... If he wants to get in touch with her, he will. Heck, you can even monitor his credit card charges, and all he has to do is switch to buying a pre-paid credit card to take care of his new cell phone.

C


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

PBear said:


> One thing to keep in mind is that even though you're monitoring the old sources of contact, there's nothing stopping him from setting up new methods. A pre-paid cell phone, new e-mail addresses, Skype, etc... If he wants to get in touch with her, he will. Heck, you can even monitor his credit card charges, and all he has to do is switch to buying a pre-paid credit card to take care of his new cell phone.
> 
> C


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

lovehonorandcherish said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PBear, 

You are right. I will play my hand next week and see how it turns out. He says he wants it to work. He is actively looking for another job so he can be closer to home. He currently commutes to another state for work. I see some positive actions but there are still some negatives. 

I spoke to one of our mutual friends and he thinks my husband may be doing this still because he hasn't felt what it would really be like if I left because I am still living with him regardless of the ultimatums I give. I have given him the option to leave if he wanted someone else, I have said "you don't have to explain your reasons but if you can not be honest with me then you can't be with me". On all counts he has said we are not divorcing, we are going to work it out. I through a wrench in it and said "how about we renew our vows next year so we can start a new chapter in our lives. He agreed and said it was a good idea. 

Why, if any DS wanted to be with the OP, would they continue to be subjected to questions, phone checks, etc if they could be rid of it all?
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I can think of a lot of reasons why he might continue. They include

- doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and leave
- they're happy to have a home life and their secret life (or one of them feels that way)
- they realize that the only relationship that will work for them is a sexual affair, instead of actually dating and/or living together
- they're waiting for the right time
- going through a divorce isn't something one of them is prepared to do financially, or because of the kids, or for some other reason

And I'm not saying that he is continuing things with her, by any means. Just that the fact that you're monitoring some of his old communications methods and seeing nothing doesn't mean there's nothing to see.

C


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Or, he might not be involved with her and she is what my grandma called a sh*t stirrer.
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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

This is my problem. 

there are online text free accounts and iPad apps that they can use....I suspect my husband is using one.

Also, work email, pre-paid cell phones ("burners"), etc.

There is just so many ways to be secretive with technology today.

I don't have any advice- I just know what you are going through. *Hugz*


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

PBear said:


> I can think of a lot of reasons why he might continue. They include
> 
> - doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and leave
> - they're happy to have a home life and their secret life (or one of them feels that way)
> ...


Pbear, I actually came to the conclusion just yesterday that he won't call her from the cell phone number that I check so why if he leaves his phone on the counter would I find anything. Very weird because it just hit me yesterday. After almost 8 months. I am getting weak but I am trusting the lord and trying to keepthe faith as my prayer partner would say. She would be proud that I said that. Thanks for your comment. They help me more than you know.
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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Or, he might not be involved with her and she is what my grandma called a sh*t stirrer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great point! I really think she is jealous. She moves to my state, she has been with my husband, I own my town house, she RENTS a town home. She works at the same company my husband works at. I mean GOSH, can I get some more carbon copy paper?
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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> You will be in my prayers hun.
> 
> I can't believe he is still communicating with this women and shes pressing charges on him... wtf is that? is he brain damaged?
> 
> ...


I will be there with bells on. I really want to know how he will react upon seeing me there and me being in the same space as the OP and him. It will be a very interesting day to say the least. I hope that she understands that this is serious as well. I won't just have words for my DS, I will have some for her as well.
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