# I'm desperate



## broken5683 (Nov 12, 2011)

I have been with my husband (married for 5 years together for 12), he is my high school sweetheart. We fell in love at 15 and now we are 27. My husband has always had a slight controlling problem and his anger toward me seemed to get worse after we got married. We were trying to have a baby and I was going to so many doctors and having surgery to help us conceive with no avail. He pulled away from me and from out marriage. I met this guy "steve" and at first we just talked as friends. Things got emotional between him and I and then they got sexual. I told my husband how I was feeling towards him before I started having a sexual relationship with steve. My husband told me I needed to deal with the fact that we weren't getting pregnant and move on and that he only agreed to try to have a baby to shut me up. I left my cell phone on the coffee table and that night when he got home from work he went thru my phone and read all the texts and seen all the phone calls. He confronted me about it and I told him what was going on. He freaked out and was furious and hurt. I knew he never thought I would do something like that to him. I told him that I would leave steve alone if he really wanted to make things better but I couldnt. I have never been able to leave steve alone. I really have never met anyone in the world like this man. He is so caring and gentile. He loves with his whole heart and that is what I have always wanted. He left his girlfriend and I eventually left my husband. I got my own place and was seeing steve even more. There was passion between the two of us that I have never experienced anything close to. A year went by and I lost the lease on my apartment and reconciled with my husband. I have tried hundreds of times to leave steve alone. I stopped having a sexual relationship with my husband during my relationship with steve. My husband has never done it for me. Steve makes me feel like I have the world at my feet. I have been back at my house with my husband for almost a year. We have started to have a sexual relationship again just because I was sick of hearing him complain about it. I do love my husband and he has made an attempt to change but I still can't stop thinking that I am making a huge mistake by staying in my marriage. He works all the time and he is always gone. Although I admire how hardworking he is I am so lonely all the time. He is a indoor personan and I'm not. I'm young and I want to do things and go places. Nothing in common with my husband. I still feel like I love steve and I don't know what to do. I feel like my husband and I are together because it is what we have always known. I know that steve still feels the same way I do. He loves me. I'm so confused. There is so much more to the story that I can't put into words but I want to know if anyone has been in the situation like this or how I can figure out why I am so attached to these men.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

use white space and then ill comeback and answer


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Tell your H and divorce him. He deserves better than someone who so easily cheats on him.
You and Steve deserve each other. Neither of you has any integrity , so you have that in common. 
Seriously, life with someone like you is really terrible. Let your husband go.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why did you reconcile with your husband after you left him to be with Steve? You come back to your husband while most husband would not have let you return and how do you thank him......You refuse to have sex with him and finally after a time do have sex just to stop his nagging. What is wrong with this picture?

Do your husband a favor and divorce him and marry Steve. How would you feel if the roles had been reversed and your husband did to you what you did to him? Do you work? Are you with your husband just for the economic security he provides?


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## broken5683 (Nov 12, 2011)

I'm not cheating on him anymore and I haven't cheated on him since I have been home. Steve and I have occasional phone conversations and have met for coffee once since I have been back. There has been no physical contact with anyone since I have been back with my husband. I am terrified that I am making a huge mistake but my heart is louder than my head. I would appreciate advise over criticism, hence why I cam here. My husband still has a problem with directing his anger at me and I am not using that as an excuse to cheat. I am alone. I am lonely. I have told my husband this and he tells me that I need to get over it. He refuses to change his shift or stay home when he is not at work and this was the same as before I had this affair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You still see and talk to Steve but you're not cheating? You are completely deluded
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken5683 (Nov 12, 2011)

I work and bring in most of the income for our house. Like I said before I do love my husband and that is why I decided to really give it a chance. I just can't get this man out of my head or my heart. I am not some ***** that is just cheating to get the sexual gratification. It was never about the sex.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

broken5683 said:


> I work and bring in most of the income for our house. Like I said before I do love my husband and that is why I decided to really give it a chance. I just can't get this man out of my head or my heart. I am not some ***** that is just cheating to get the sexual gratification. It was never about the sex.


It doesn't matter why you're cheating. You are still cheating if you are in contact with Steve.

Unless you quit Steve completely, no contact, and devote yourself to your husband, you are cheating and will never reconcile.

Do your husband a favor and let him go.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

You need to get comfortable with the fact that you are an abusive, dishonest, selfish person. You had every other option at your disposal to rectify your situation. all of them honorable. Yet, you chose the most emotionally abusive, cowardly option.
Have you done no reading on this? Have you done no research at all into the fact that cheating is considered the single most emotionally abusive act one spouse can do to another? Have you no clue as to the extent of the trauma you have caused?
Your posts containabsolutely no mention of concern over your having traumatized and injured you spouse. What does that ell you about yourself?
If I hurt someone, my first concern is not about myself. Yet, yours is. Nice


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Oh, I get it now, if you work and bring in more money then it is acceptable to have a physical affair and an emotional affair. I thought it was all about integrity and personal responsibility along with the marriage vows.

Give your husband a break and file for divorce. If you are not committed to the marriage all you are doing is hurting him and making yourself a very shallow person.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

BTW, there are sites where you will get a cheerleading section, if that is what you are looking for. They will help you remain as you are.

You and Steve are in for a treat with each other.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

broken5683

What you are experiencing is what people on this forum would refer to as "the fog". I'm sure you could read about that on this forum and elsewhere.

You'll find a lot of hostility here, because this is more a forum for betrayed spouses than for the cheaters. But they are absolutely correct in one thing. You will find it very hard to leave the fog if you still maintain any sort of contact with Steve. And even then, it will take a while.


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## broken5683 (Nov 12, 2011)

I wasn't going to put this out there but I guess to make it more understandable here it is.. My husband has not only been physically abusive hut continues to be mentally abusive. I am not trying to blame my cheating on that or use it as an excuse. I have tried to stay strong. My husband knows of the phone conversations that I have had with steve and knows about the one time I have met him for coffee. I have asked my husband for a divorce he refused and told me he didn't do divorces and I would just have to deal with the rest of my life with him. I have talked to steve a total of maybe 20 minutes in almost a year. I am open with my husband as to how I feel. He tells me its not important. I took a vow, I had an affair and to date it has been almost 4 months that I havent had any contact with steve. I don't need you to tell me that I am a horrible person or preach to me about how I am hurting my husband. He hurt me for years and nobody knew. I lied to my whole family and they thought he was god, that was until I couldn't explain away the bruises.


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## broken5683 (Nov 12, 2011)

I didn't know this wasnt the right section and I am sorry for those of you who have been cheated on. There is no excuse for cheating. I don't know how to change my heart.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You don't need your husbands permission to divorce him.

Move out of your husbands house and file for divorce.

Find some happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If there is physical voice then you need to leave him immediately for your own safety. You do not need your husband's consent to divorce him. See a lawyer. You imply that you will not divorce him because you do not want to broke your vows but you already have. Just see a lawyer yourself. Again why did you come back after living with Steve?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

broken5683 said:


> I have asked my husband for a divorce he refused and told me he didn't do divorces and I would just have to deal with the rest of my life with him.


No you don't have to deal with him for the rest of your life for unless you're living in a country where divorce is not legal, you really don't need your husband's permission to divorce him.



> My husband has not only been physically abusive hut continues to be mentally abusive.
> 
> He hurt me for years and nobody knew. I lied to my whole family and they thought he was god, that was until I couldn't explain away the bruises.


Marital recovery after an affair takes the committed effort of BOTH spouses. I don't see that happening in your situation because you are still continuing your EA (emotional affair) and your husband is still the same person he was before.

I recommend that you seek professional counseling since you've chosen to be in a toxic marriage where domestic violence against you existed even before you chose to cheat on your husband. And I also recommend that you file for divorce.

At this moment, neither you nor your husband are emotionally healthy to be married or in a committed relationship.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Uh, you do not need permission to divorce. Nice try. Keep looking for justification. Should help you change


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## broken5683 (Nov 12, 2011)

I know I don't need permission to divorce him. I can go to any court and do it. Like I said I am not looking for justification. I was looking for someone to offer advise. He said he will not let me divorce him and I didn't bother to get into it about that. I understand I posted this in the wrong site, but is there really a need to be so judgmental? I'm sorry again. I was only asking for advise and not criticism. Thank you anyway


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Again, borrken, you seem oblivious to the extent of damage done and how abusive cheating is.
Your H is an abuser, But, so are you.
It has nothing to do with giving you advice. As long as you continue to put forth excuses for cheating, you will not get it.
You need to look within.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Geez Arnold, calm down and don't be so judgemental!!!!! She's only asking for support and advice. She has admitted on her wrong doings and is not making excuses.

"Broken", I would heed Morityru's advice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> You still see and talk to Steve but you're not cheating? You are completely deluded
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For sure!

What the heck? Rude.


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## bluburn (Nov 13, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> You still see and talk to Steve but you're not cheating? You are completely deluded
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this lady keeps coming for justification of her acts. why return to her H. she is hypocrites. reconcile but still in affair. prostitute is better than her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

broken5683, before you can be in a committed relationship. you must learn first to be on your own and be comfortable in your own skin.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

The best thing you can do for your H is leave him and let him find someone else. 

It doesn't matter if you were abused. You are a woman now, make a mature decision. If you aren't happy in your marriage and do not want to seriously reconcile, then divorce him.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Tap1214 said:


> Geez Arnold, calm down and don't be so judgemental!!!!! She's only asking for support and advice. She has admitted on her wrong doings and is not making excuses.
> 
> "Broken", I would heed Morityru's advice.



No excuses? Eh, are you literate?


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