# Marriage on the Rocks



## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

Oh, god where do I begin? Well, my husband and I have been together for seven years and I think I am straying away from him. We have some major issues and he does not take them too seriously. Our sex life is really bad. We only have sex twice a month; if that. I have tried everything to try to get the spark back, especially by telling him and I keep mentioning it to him. There is always something wrong like his back hurts or his head hurts or he is sick. He is only these things when I bring up the topic.

I even changed my work schedule to be the same as his so we can spend more time together. That is not working out. I have checked phone records for stuff unusual because now, I think he may be cheating, but I have no evidence to back that up except for random numbers on the cell phone bill. He really does not have a lot of time to cheat, but who knows? 

We wanted to have a child right before we got married. We tried for about 2 months, and then when we got married, things changed. He seemed more distant from me. The sex became less and less. I would even change my mind, going back on birth control because I was confused. We still do not have any children because I think that we will become even more distant if we have children.

My weight fluctuated throughout the years while I was with him. I would gain weight; being happy and satisfied with him and wanting to have children. I would also lose weight, thinking it would make me more desirable to him. Neither worked out for me. 

So, I am 30 years old, no kids and I am trying to lose weight again. I figure that if I am not desirable to him, then I will be desirable to someone else. I am literally crying out for attention, and I always have. My husband just looks at pornos all the time when I am not around. This may be the last straw. If he does not jump at the chance to make an attempt to make our marriage work, I may be calling it quits.

I go to the gym everyday and train with my personal trainer about 3 times a week. He is hot!! I really tried not to think of him that way when I first met him, but he is seriously hitting on me. He just says little things that are flirtatious. I do not flirt back. We have a lot in common and there are sparks flying all over the place. I trained with him this week, and I got kind of sandwiched between him and the workout bench. He stared me right in the eye, and I could not help but look back and it was just magnetic. I miss that chemistry me and my husband used to have.

So, now here I am. I am really confused on what to do. I starting to really dig this guy. I do not want to cheat on my husband. I have already started thinking of plans to get a divorce. I want to be single again, and if I am single again, I will not ever get married again.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

I have read your post a few times over and there are quiet a few things in it that remind me of myself and the relationship issues i am going thru with my hubby at the moment and i agree with you it is very hard on the emotional side of us woman.

*I figure that if I am not desirable to him, then I will be desirable to someone else. I am literally crying out for attention, and I always have.*

This grabbed my attention because just last night i said the exact same thing to my husband of 3 years, sex is such an important way for a couple to express there physical attraction to each other and like you or sex life is down to 2x a month, and this is such an emotional signal as i know to me it says he is not attracted to me any more, and naturally this hurts, good on you for working out at the gym i bet that is maing your feel so good about yourself, as for the trainer it is not wrong to think he is hot, and i can imagine it is a very up lifting confidence building feeling having him flirt but just be careful.

I think men dont realise that after getting married there is still so much effort that needs to be made in a marriage, have you tried talking to him about how you feel and what you want and need, or have you both tried getting out of the house for a weekend for a weekend away?


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## AAMM2008 (Nov 24, 2010)

After reading your post I would like to say that I can relate very much. When you are getting attention from somewhere else and from the opposite sex it gets really exciting. I know that it's hard to let go off what you've held on for so long but maybe it's time to seperate or even divorce. I hate to mention but, when you feel chemistry else where and feel that it can get to you eventually and you don't stay away from it, knowingly that something can become of it, then it's because it seems right to you. It's also best that you clear your path before starting another, if you know what I mean.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

+1 on AAMM2008's advice. Decide on if you're going to work on your marriage or not based on your relationship with your husband. Not based on some some chemistry with your trainer or anyone else. 

It sounds like you've been pretty clear on the trouble areas in communicating with your husband. If he's not willing to work on them, or communicate with you on what he feels are the problems, then it seems like your solution is pretty clear. Whatever you do, DON'T have kids thinking they'll make things "better", but I'm sure you've figured that out already. 

You may want to look at some form of couseling on your own, if he won't attend, as problems in a marriage are rarely one-sided. Maybe there's things you could learn from your current situation that could benefit you in future ones.

As an FYI, I wouldn't consider it "normal" for a 30 year old guy to prefer porn to an available, attractive spouse (this coming from a 43 year old guy). I would say there may be some medical reasons for his lack of sex drive, but it seems there may not be a lack of drive, but a lack of drive with you. And if he's not willing to work on that, it won't be easy for you.

C


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Lose the personal trainer.

And all good men reading this, avoid personal trainers for your women.

I spend time at the gym, it is one of my hobbies and passions. I understand what goes on behind these scenes with personal trainers, oh yes I know this well. 

Personal trainers, they have as many sexual relations with married women as they want. The dynamic, a physically fit male in his environment doing what he does best (dominant), giving his complete attention one on one to a woman, several times a week.

Crushes, flirtation, affairs, it is the norm. 

Personal trainers, married men and women, do NOT indulge in this without eyes wide open.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Fun with bored women is the whole point of being a personal trainer I thought.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Never ever disrespect yourself this way. 

If a man knows that you are married and he still flirts with you, you know what his intention is, you are only for him to have fun, he doesn't respect you as a lady. 

You will only hurt yourself and make your life more complicated by thinking that he is interested in you.

Women should stay away from the kind of men who like to flirt with other women.

If you were single, a man who is really interested in you will treat you like a lady instead of something else. He'll be interested in having deep conversation with you!


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

AAMM2008 said:


> When you are getting attention from somewhere else and from the opposite sex it gets really exciting.
> I know that it's hard to let go off what you've held on for so long but maybe it's time to seperate or even divorce. .


I have to say when i read this i found this a little drastic!!!
I am interested to know as to why AAMM2008 thinks this.
Do you want to sepeate or divorce? or do u want the attention and exciting feelings back from your husband of 7years?
If you are not wanting the seperation or divorce maybe you should both consider marriage or sexual therapy to get you intimate relationship back on track.

The post that mentioned that husbands need to beware of a male personal trainer i think is very OTT... I am a 26yr old woman who works out at the gym 5x a week for 2 hours a session so i am in good condition and do get a decent amount of male attention, now of course my husband tells me i am beautiful on a daily basis and it is def a confindence builder when i see other men checking me out, but i think as a wife we all should know the lines that should never be crossed and if you can trust yourself they why shouldnt you have a personal trainer??? If you value your marriage respect your husband nd yourself why would a personal trainer get the wrong idea???


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

Everyone,

Thank you for your comments. I just don't want to feel like I am wasting my time with my husband. I would rather be single than to feel unwanted. At least if I knew that I was single, I would grab attention from everywhere and not have my self-esteem hurt like it has been over the years. 

I have turned down every possible guy, because I loved my husband so much. We have been through a lot. Now, I figure that if my husband doesn't think I am worthy, it is time for me to start thinking worthy of myself. 

I just miss the feeling of being wanted and being loved. I have expressed to my husband many times. I have written him letters. I have cried in front of him, begging for the attention. It works for the night I do it, but after that it is just that. He would not go to marriage counseling. I can not get him to even hang out with me and my friends or go to a movie that I want to see.


My oldest sister called me one night and says she thinks he is cheating on me. She would not exactly tell me why she thought that way. She said she just could tell. I have never told her of our marriage problems. She could probably see some detachment between me and him. 

He is not a very affectionate guy. When we first met, he was everything I could ask for. He was very affectionate and considerate. It was when the ring went on, that he really stopped trying. 

People ask why we have not had any kids, and I just tell them that I am not ready or don't want any. The real truth is I think it will destroy our marriage if we had kids. I think our problems would grow. He would probably have sex with me only once a year. The detachment would get worse. And with that being said, I don't know if I can win. 

I have never let getting attention from other guys get to me like this. I actually feel good about myself now, than I have ever felt. The fact that I may like another guy could signal the fact that I am getting ready to move on. I am just trying to put it all together and try to figure out what this means.

The personal trainer, does not signal any type of long term relationship implications whatsoever. I could not have a man working around that many women. I could not be committed to him anyway.

I guess the main thing is just trying to put a diagnosis on these symptoms that I am feeling. What does it mean when a wife starts to desire other men? What does it mean after five years of marriage, you still don't want any kids? What does it mean when a wife starts to think of being single again?

I think I may be falling out of love with him. I really care for him a lot, but right now it seems we would be better friends than lovers. I am just scared of living alone, and doing things on my own. Please help.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

NoLongerSad said:


> Well if you are going to cheat with the personal trainer at least see if you can get some free lessons out of the deal.


He is now my workout partner, which makes it even better.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Superwoman,

If your husband is not doing what a husband should do in a marriage, it is understandable that you want to be out of this marriage. 

My personal opinion is: Even if you have to live alone, your life will be better than living with a man who doesn't pay much attention to you anymore. It hurts when you live with a man like this. If you live alone, at least you don't feel hurt like this anymore. 

And if you are fit, attractive, don't forget to be positive, you will have no problem finding another man, there are so many single men.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

PBear said:


> Decide on if you're going to work on your marriage or not based on your relationship with your husband. Not based on some some chemistry with your trainer or anyone else.


:iagree:
Trainers flirt with married women to make them feel attractive to keep their business coming in and on occasion to get into their pants. 

Either way they like married women for a reason, because they are married.  








superwoman said:


> If he does not jump at the chance to make an attempt to make our marriage work, I may be calling it quits.
> 
> I want to be single again, and if I am single again, I will not ever get married again.


*Marriage does not work this way* it takes constant effort and commitment from both people to keep it alive. You may as well go file for divorce now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good to see theres a better side to screwing around on your unattendive/sexless husband with a "workout partner" versus a personal trainer.

Does your "partner" know your married? Anyway, At least I got the choice to devorce my W or let her have a boytoy. I picked boytoy, and Ive regretted it ever since, But on the other hand I feel a little luckier then superwomen's H. I got to choose.

Poor guy, if he only knew what it took me 19 years of marriage to figure out, he might still have a loyal wife. I dissmissed my wife for years and I truelly wish I could take it all back, but I cant so alls any one can do is change for the better. Good luck superwomen, I hope you find what your looking for in the most honorable way possible.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Have you told your husband you are getting hit on? 

Be blunt, tell him that if he doesn't start working on your relationship your 'workout partner' is going to be working on you. 

Sometimes a little jealousy can make you see your partner in a new light.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

jamesa said:


> Have you told your husband you are getting hit on?
> 
> Be blunt, tell him that if he doesn't start working on your relationship your 'workout partner' is going to be working on you.
> 
> Sometimes a little jealousy can make you see your partner in a new light.


No I have not. I really have not done anything to stop it either. Fact is, that I like it and deep down, I don't want it to stop. I think if I told my husband what my trainer has said to me, he would kill my trainer.

My husband said that he was going to have sex with me yesterday. It never happened. He laid in bed, read his book, and went to sleep. Then today, he asks me why we did not have sex? Well, you were so into your book and then fell asleep instead of coming on to me and getting me aroused. It just doesn't feel the same you know.

I meet with my trainer tomorrow and I just have not stopped thinking about him. No matter what I have tried to do. I get nervous whenever I am around him. My heart speeds up, and I notice I work out harder when he comes around. I know a personal trainer is not the best selection in men, but again he gives me that attention that I have been craving from my husband. I can really tell the trainer likes me, maybe a lot. He called his mom into one of our training sessions and introduced her to me. However, I don't think I could completely trust the personal trainer to be my soul mate.

I have been looking for someone to talk to about this and I appreciate this forum. I am trying to tell my friend, but I just clam up. This is just a difficult situation for me. I did give my friend little bits and pieces and she probably thinks something is going on, but there is not anything. 

Also, I think that my husband has become a little jealous. I think he is getting the idea that I am on the verge of moving on. He has kissed me on the cheek and slapped my butt while I was sleeping before going to work, but he still does not do anything about the main issue in our marriage, and that is our sex life. Thank you guys. I appreciate all of your feedback and even more is appreciated at this point.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Fun with bored women is the whole point of being a personal trainer I thought.


Every once in awhile, I truly laugh out loud.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Superwoman,

Don't be an idiot.

Once you screw someone, you simply cannot "take it back".

Why did you marry your husband?


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Superwoman,
> 
> Don't be an idiot.
> 
> ...



Relax Conrad, I am not about to screw the guy. I screw him in my head, though. I wonder if I can take those thoughts back..

However, I married my husband because he made me feel on top of the world. He paid attention to me and he listened to me. I felt we had a good connection. He is smart and we connect on a lot of issues. 

As our marriage wore on, it became more about him and his feelings instead of mine. He stopped making me feel good, and instead began to insult me and make me feel bad. The sex deteriorated. The comfort zone that I had in our marriage disappeared and that made me not want to have kids. My future with my husband is uncertain right now.

I don't know if this seems minor to you Conrad, but this is a major, major issue. If I want to live with a best friend, I don't have to be married to do that. You're probably just like my husband Conrad, so you may not understand where I am coming from.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you have the guts to refer him to the Men's Clubhouse here?

(this is not a joke)

And, yes - I agree that any "psychological sex" can be overlooked


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

First..don't have any children. Sometimes people think that children will help "fix" a marriage. Children stress the best or marriages, and break the worst. 
Second..I know the attention from the trainer feels good. But..you have to set up boundaries. You're going to get on a slippery slope and might end up doing something you never intended on doing. You need to let him know in no uncertain terms that you're a married woman and his flirtations are unwelcome and unwanted. Establish clear boundaries and stick to them. Avoid that slippery slope.
I got the impression (sorry if I'm wrong) that you were waiting for your husband to make the first move towards sex. Did you initiate? Did you do the things to arouse him, and guide him towards what would arouse you? (sorry if TMI) I'm not saying you should be the one always initiating...but sometimes we have to take the lead.
Is it possible your husband could have low testosterone? Most men his age don't avoid sex. In fact, most men of any age don't avoid sex unless there's an issue of some kind. Is it possible he's "taking care of himself" with the porn? 
And if he's cheating, I would want to find out for sure or not. I would want to know what kind of man I was *really* married to. 
There are worse things than living alone. Living with someone and being miserable falls into that category. If you try to talk to him and let him know that there are serious issues in the marriage that are going to lead to divorce unless some help is gotten, and he still does nothing..then you do what you have to do. Knowing you did everything you can. Good luck.


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## superwoman (Nov 27, 2010)

major misfit said:


> First..don't have any children. Sometimes people think that children will help "fix" a marriage. Children stress the best or marriages, and break the worst.
> Second..I know the attention from the trainer feels good. But..you have to set up boundaries. You're going to get on a slippery slope and might end up doing something you never intended on doing. You need to let him know in no uncertain terms that you're a married woman and his flirtations are unwelcome and unwanted. Establish clear boundaries and stick to them. Avoid that slippery slope.
> I got the impression (sorry if I'm wrong) that you were waiting for your husband to make the first move towards sex. Did you initiate? Did you do the things to arouse him, and guide him towards what would arouse you? (sorry if TMI) I'm not saying you should be the one always initiating...but sometimes we have to take the lead.
> Is it possible your husband could have low testosterone? Most men his age don't avoid sex. In fact, most men of any age don't avoid sex unless there's an issue of some kind. Is it possible he's "taking care of himself" with the porn?
> ...


Sorry, I have been gone a while. I needed time to think. To answer your first question, Major Misfit, I used to initiate sex with him, but he did not respond. He would say he would be tired all the time, and I would beg him for sex. I just got tired of trying. So, it's to the point where it is planned, and whenever he feels like it. That has not been very often. A couple times it has just been to keep me from complaining. 

I am hurting inside and I have always been hurting. He knows it as I have expressed this to him. Our sex life is a major issue to me. I want to give him an ultimatum, but I am scared something bad would happen. 

For example: We had a big argument one day. I was so mad at him, I would not even talk to him. The next thing I know, he is on the floor clutching his chest, like he is having a heart attack. That incident scared the crap out of me. He went to the doctors and got the condition straightened out, but I am still worried that if I had this talk with him, (give him an ultimatum) he would just flip out.

I love him so much, but I am just scared. I have cried so many times and prayed for an answer. I am stressed out and so unhappy. I don't know what to do.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

An ultimatum is sometimes for the best. It forces change. Living unhappily isn't a good thing, and less stress and more happiness in the long run is a good thing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

anx said:


> An ultimatum is sometimes for the best. It forces change. Living unhappily isn't a good thing, and less stress and more happiness in the long run is a good thing.


But, you don't get to dictate the kind of "change" it forces.


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