# Wife has PTSD, Depression and anxiety from Cancer



## Betterdaysarecoming (May 14, 2019)

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015 at the age of 29. Her prognosis was good and she had a double mastectomy. Towards the end of her RN schooling last year we had an argument due to lack of intimacy and falling away from each other due to our busy schedules. 

Shes told me she felt I wasn't there for her how she thought I should have been. I kept all my feelings inside. My dad died from cancer in 2006 and I didn't cope well. I bottled it all up.

I'm not good with explaining my emotions and it is causing issues in my marriage and I don't know if it is salvageable. She says she loves me and I believe her. She is going to therapy but said she doesn't know if she can get the close intimate connection back. I'm going to therapy on Monday to sort my problems out.

What do I do? Part of me wants to just let her go for all the hurt I've caused her. She knows I love her and knows who I am. She knows me bottling my emotions up is just how I deal with life. She fears if her cancer comes back I won't be there.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You've already answered your own question by saying you're starting therapy.
Let's hope they're a good therapist.. its hit and miss out there.

Of course you need to open up and re-work your communication skills.

It sounds to me like things are salvageable. Don't give up.

Save yourself and your marriage.


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## Betterdaysarecoming (May 14, 2019)

jorgegene said:


> You've already answered your own question by saying you're starting therapy.
> Let's hope they're a good therapist.. its hit and miss out there.
> 
> Of course you need to open up and re-work your communication skills.
> ...


Thanks for the hope! I love this forum. Just when I want to quit someone gives me the hope I need. 

I have a lot of determination to save us. I think she does too. Multiple times she has said that when she is feeling great about herself and our life something bad happens and she turns to sadness. 

Any tips for seeing if the therapist is any good?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sorry she had to go through that, and you too, although as the one not sick, the SO can't fully see how the his loved one is dealing. 

You've said it:
It's hard for you to share what you're feeling.

Only one thing; you have to get over that quickly and be able to clearly and compassionately share with her your live and desire for her as a woman hasn't dwindled. 

Period. Repeat to her often for a while.

We, my DW went through the same, double mastectomy etc. We were blessed hadn't hit the lymph nodes yet, one lump dr visit found the other more aggressive lump early, surgery was only fool proof option from rapid spread recurrence. 

This was 10 years ago. Wife still has body issues, it's my job to be her primary champion and encourager.

Unless the other has also gone through a life threatening illness, like cancer, then a more complete understanding can be had.

But not what's going on in her head, only she knows how she's taking it.

You have to man up on "not being able to share your feeling" period.

Imagine having a forced castration. Or any similar. Not just being sick, but forever forced to have your physical self changed.


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## Betterdaysarecoming (May 14, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sorry she had to go through that, and you too, although as the one not sick, the SO can't fully see how the his loved one is dealing.
> 
> You've said it:
> It's hard for you to share what you're feeling.
> ...


I've assured her numerous times of my live and desire for her. She recently told me she thought I was talking to "multiple" women during our fights and standoffs. Told me that she believed I had a woman on standby ready to go. That she gave up caring about these issues a long time ago because if I wanted to cheat I would do it and nothing she could do would stop me. 

I assured her she is the only woman I want, that she is wanted and she is beautiful. 

There was a case 6 months back or so of a woman at work who used to be good friends with my wife wanted a work table built. She had recently had someone at work throw away an art piece of hers and was distraught. I told her I would make her the table no problem. When I gave it to her she was so happy at my kindness. She reached out to my wife and told her how amazing I am, how sweet I am etc. My wife heard it as "i want your husband". She told me I should just go be with her, shes more pretty and she would probably make you way happier.

I told her once again while a lot of men might find this particular woman pretty; I however do not. I have no attraction to anyone other than you. 

I guess she has a hard time believing that I still like her physically?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Instead of trying so hard and floundering, have you asked her what she needs from you? Sounds like you may be getting blamed when she is down and doesn't know what she wants. 

Some need gentle touch, loving eye contact, special smiles, love notes in excess at times. In your love, find ways to express emotions--even fear. Therapy for both is good.


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## Betterdaysarecoming (May 14, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> Instead of trying so hard and floundering, have you asked her what she needs from you? Sounds like you may be getting blamed when she is down and doesn't know what she wants.
> 
> Some need gentle touch, loving eye contact, special smiles, love notes in excess at times. In your love, find ways to express emotions--even fear. Therapy for both is good.


I'll concur she doesn't know what she wants a lot of the time and says she is confused. She misses the connection. We had a good talk last night. 

I asked her for only 10 minutes of her time, opened up and was honest and felt like I actually listened. We'll see where it goes from here. I'm eager to go to therapy myself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Betterdaysarecoming said:


> My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015 at the age of 29. Her prognosis was good and she had a double mastectomy. Towards the end of her RN schooling last year we had an argument due to lack of intimacy and falling away from each other due to our busy schedules.
> 
> Shes told me she felt I wasn't there for her how she thought I should have been. I kept all my feelings inside. My dad died from cancer in 2006 and I didn't cope well. I bottled it all up.
> 
> ...


You need the come to Jesus moment. Sit her down, acknowledge that you failed. Point out what your responsibility were, and where you failed. NO excuses. You can point out that you need to learn to do things better but have a plan on how you are going to do that. Ask for another chance. Emphasize that you love her, why you love her where you feel you failed, how that makes you feel in the context of your love. Ask for a last chance. Then if she gives it to you do the work. Work as hard at it as you ever have. 

Understand your wife is still going through this so you can still help her, but you have to have courage and take actions. One thing you will find is those two things are markers and provide great sources of happiness and pride for us as men. Being courageous and taking action for someone you love is how you should want to be. This is your mission.

Be there for her NOW! Every day. 

I hate to say this but also discreetly check your phone bill. I hate to be cynical but you just never know.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Betterdaysarecoming said:


> I've assured her numerous times of my live and desire for her. She recently told me she thought I was talking to "multiple" women during our fights and standoffs. Told me that she believed I had a woman on standby ready to go. That she gave up caring about these issues a long time ago because if I wanted to cheat I would do it and nothing she could do would stop me.
> 
> I assured her she is the only woman I want, that she is wanted and she is beautiful.
> 
> ...


You're getting better at this 🙄😊😊

This isn't even a question, one in your shoes has to KNOW that this is a stone hard fact.

She has a hard time believing it. Not even a little bit of wondering if this is almost the whole thing. 

Your W had a major component of what society continually reinforces as a major, major part of even BEING a woman; that is to have breasts. And she's not even worrying that hers sag, are wrinkly, any of that, but that they're GONE.

And society says men want a woman with nice breasts, men lust after a nice form. You are her anchor. Remember that.

She also has to see all the women that still have breasts. Hard for a woman to see others she may, however erroneously, feel they are more a woman than she is, anymore. 

You have to keep on reinforcing that you see "the whole her, and your still tremendously in love with her. Remember, you, her anchor 

It will get better, it will get easier. 

Then, a couple times a year, usually at springtime, you will have to tell her some more.

You can do it!


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

What to do? Keep talking with her. And the fact that you are going to therapy for yourself says it all. : ) I think if you are both trying, it will be salvageable- it just takes time. You may have to take it slow... dinner dates, taking a walk together, or even bringing flowers home from the grocery store just because.. It's the little things that matter.


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## Betterdaysarecoming (May 14, 2019)

sokillme said:


> You need the come to Jesus moment. Sit her down, acknowledge that you failed. Point out what your responsibility were, and where you failed. NO excuses. You can point out that you need to learn to do things better but have a plan on how you are going to do that. Ask for another chance. Emphasize that you love her, why you love her where you feel you failed, how that makes you feel in the context of your love. Ask for a last chance. Then if she gives it to you do the work. Work as hard at it as you ever have.
> 
> Understand your wife is still going through this so you can still help her, but you have to have courage and take actions. One thing you will find is those two things are markers and provide great sources of happiness and pride for us as men. Being courageous and taking action for someone you love is how you should want to be. This is your mission.
> 
> ...


I did exactly as you said. Laid it all out on where I screwed up, my part in it and how I'm going to repair myself for me and for us. Re-assured her I'm going to therapy and how much I love HER. 

She cried but said she needs time to process. She was upset that I've gotten the week to process everything and she hasn't had that privilege. She really wants to talk it out with her therapist. Her therapist told her to put MC off for now while I work on myself. 

I told her I was going to hang out with my aunt and uncle again as; They've really helped me see myself and how talking it out is a good thing. Her reaction was kind of interesting. Almost as if she didn't want me to go and didn't know why I wanted to go. I started to pack some clothes just in case I was too tired to drive as it's a 45 minute drive. She saw me and said "Oh...are you staying the night?" With an emotion of her not wanting me to stay the night. I said it was in case I was too tired. I asked her if it was okay and she said "Uhh yeah...I suppose so." She is really hard to interpret right now that is for sure.

I'm working on detaching emotionally for now. It is in my best interest I think.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Betterdaysarecoming said:


> I did exactly as you said. Laid it all out on where I screwed up, my part in it and how I'm going to repair myself for me and for us. Re-assured her I'm going to therapy and how much I love HER.
> 
> She cried but said she needs time to process. She was upset that I've gotten the week to process everything and she hasn't had that privilege. She really wants to talk it out with her therapist. Her therapist told her to put MC off for now while I work on myself.
> 
> ...


Work on being a leader. First in your own emotional development then in your relationship and your family. That is your job. She should never again have to force you via ultimatum to get your **** together. If you do that and your wife is a healthy person your marriage may recover.

One question, she believed you were talking to multiple women. You said you only want here. Were you talking to multiple women?

Also still check your phone bill.


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## Betterdaysarecoming (May 14, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Work on being a leader. First in your own emotional development then in your relationship and your family. That is your job. She should never again have to force you via ultimatum to get your **** together. If you do that and your wife is a healthy person your marriage may recover.
> 
> One question, she believed you were talking to multiple women. You said you only want here. Were you talking to multiple women?
> 
> Also still check your phone bill.


Not in an emotionally/physically charged manner. I had a best friend from school who was a girl and we were real close. She was there when my dad died. We used to tell each other I love you. As friends. 
My wife saw it and got scared. I explained the situation and stopped promptly.


I also had co-workers too who were female. She has male friends and it's never bothered me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Betterdaysarecoming said:


> Not in an emotionally/physically charged manner. I had a best friend from school who was a girl and we were real close. She was there when my dad died. We used to tell each other I love you. As friends.
> My wife saw it and got scared. I explained the situation and stopped promptly.
> 
> 
> I also had co-workers too who were female. She has male friends and it's never bothered me.


It's not surprising telling a female friend you love them caused problems with your wife. This is strange to me at the very least. How much communication was going on? Daily, was the I love you said daily?

Sounds like you were leaning on her for emotional support when your Dad died, couple that with the ILY talk and it's easy to see why your wife thinks you are having an emotional affair. What are you boundaries like with these women from work? How often do you text them? Do you text/email them stuff that is not about work?


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## Betterdaysarecoming (May 14, 2019)

sokillme said:


> It's not surprising telling a female friend you love them caused problems with your wife. This is strange to me at the very least. How much communication was going on? Daily, was the I love you said daily?
> 
> Sounds like you were leaning on her for emotional support when your Dad died, couple that with the ILY talk and it's easy to see why your wife thinks you are having an emotional affair. What are you boundaries like with these women from work? How often do you text them? Do you text/email them stuff that is not about work?


My dad died in 2006. Honestly the only time we talked was when a "memory" on facebook came up of us at graduation. I said I missed her and I loved her. That was the only time it happened. After I moved away, 3 hours away, I never saw her again. I've not seen her in about 13 years or so. I don't care to. We weren't "that" good of friends where I needed to make trips to see her. I explained myself and promptly stopped. I saw how it felt to her to see her husband say I love you to another female. I reminded her yesterday her fears were warranted in that it was unnecessary for me to do that. It was never a compassionate "I love you so much!!" Just a metaphorical saying I guess to show we were friends. 

The communication with workers was about work, their lives (One is getting married) and getting a womans perspective on how I was acting in my feelings. I've never had emotions for another woman. I just can't feel a connection unless it is my wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Betterdaysarecoming said:


> My dad died in 2006. Honestly the only time we talked was when a "memory" on facebook came up of us at graduation. I said I missed her and I loved her. That was the only time it happened. After I moved away, 3 hours away, I never saw her again. I've not seen her in about 13 years or so. I don't care to. We weren't "that" good of friends where I needed to make trips to see her. I explained myself and promptly stopped. I saw how it felt to her to see her husband say I love you to another female. I reminded her yesterday her fears were warranted in that it was unnecessary for me to do that. It was never a compassionate "I love you so much!!" Just a metaphorical saying I guess to show we were friends.
> 
> The communication with workers was about work, their lives (One is getting married) and getting a womans perspective on *how I was acting in my feelings.* I've never had emotions for another woman. I just can't feel a connection unless it is my wife.


Was the bolded part in the context of your marriage? If so you wife might be upset because in her mind this was a private part of your marriage that you shared with another women, even if you had the best intentions to help your marriage. 

Even if it was entirely innocent, it may just be a problem of appearances but that does matter. If your wife is struggling it's a good marital strategy to be mindful of how appearances will make her feel right? Now if you are only communicating with these women about work over work emails then your wife is being unreasonable. However if they are texting you on your phone at night about their wedding, or even "How can I help my wife" that is another thing all together even if you have no feelings for them at all. I am not saying you are doing that I am saying you should try to be mindful of that.

Having cancer and some of the damage that did to your wife's body can cause her to be more sensitive to that. It's a good idea to really try to think about this stuff in the context of how it will make her feel. Look no one said this is going to be easy. It's not, we work on it. But that is what a leader and a good husband does, he prepares, he learns, he leads. 

Let me put it to you this way. I check my smoke detectors, I watch out for my wife, I do that because it's my job to be protective of her. That is my duty as a husband. It's also my duty to be protective of her heart. YES you have start to think like that, being proactive. If you see she is struggling at work or whatever you bring home flowers, you write her a note that says you see how hard she is working. For many of us this is not in our nature. For many men cutting the grass is not in our nature as well. Tough, when you say the vows you are taking up the challenge. We are not incapable of learning to be emotionally intelligent.

People probably think I am crazy on here but this is a good thing. It's a great challenge and the most important thing we can do. With the right wife it pays off in your life! It's a part of your mission, don't run from it, attack the problem.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Betterdaysarecoming said:


> Shes told me she felt I wasn't there for her how she thought I should have been. I kept all my feelings inside. My dad died from cancer in 2006 and I didn't cope well. I bottled it all up.
> 
> I'm not good with explaining my emotions and it is causing issues in my marriage and I don't know if it is salvageable. She says she loves me and I believe her. She is going to therapy but said she doesn't know if she can get the close intimate connection back. I'm going to therapy on Monday to sort my problems out.
> 
> What do I do? Part of me wants to just let her go for all the hurt I've caused her. She knows I love her and knows who I am. She knows me bottling my emotions up is just how I deal with life. She fears if her cancer comes back I won't be there.


Can you please explain this part, about not being their for her. My wife has been battling breast and sarcoma cancer since 2015, and up to now, struggling to get to remission. 

I see people here telling you to own up to your faults. What exactly did you do or did not do? We, the spouses of those with cancer, are suffering as well.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Gee, haven't heard from you here in a while unless I missed it. 

While you are waiting for an answer, I have a few suggestions--worked with CA groups once. OP says he has a hard time with his emotions and she knows that. This makes it all about him. He needed to, if necessary, force himself to be real about his being scared, anxious, whatever. 

Hiding the real you doesn't necessarily protect her, but causes her to wonder why you have changed. She will need on-going reassurance--physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You are suffering--you feel pain--acknowledge hers and yours. Read together--poetry, informative reviews, good news stories. Walk together when able. Pray together if this is part of your spirituality. Folks NEED to talk about the illnesses, issues, inconsistencies, etc.

OP or you should be aware of her sensitivity and avoid even the appearance of being interested in any other woman. She wants to be comfortable enough with him/you to reveal her fears, present and future. Intimacy (into-me-see) and connection need to be ramped up by spouse of CA sufferer.

I sorta jumped right in, but it has been a bit since OP was here... My prayers for all.


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