# True Meaning of Marriage



## MarriedWifeInLove

One of the groups my husband attends gave the below handout concerning the "True Meaning of Marriage." I've read it a few times and it really hit home for me. A lot of people on TAM (including myself) seem to be looking for what "they" get or don't get out of their marriage - maybe some of us have it all wrong...

What do you guys think?

"True Meaning of Marriage"

The true meaning of marriage is love. By love, I mean not just what we feel but what we do. Love just as a feeling is very flimsy, an up and down roller coaster. Love is an action! In order for it to become the ultimate force and for us to rediscover the true meaning of marriage, love has to be unconditional. You are not looking for acceptance or validation. You are giving of yourself to another not because of them, but because of your values. A death to ones self so that another may live and benefit from your sacrifice.

This is not an easy road to walk. But it is the most rewarding road however. An old Buddhist saying goes like this, 'I want peace.' If you take your ego (I) and your desires (want) out of the equation, i.e., the self, you will have only peace left. The true meaning of marriage is expressing love unconditionally to another. It is an unstoppable force that can endure anything. How do you find it? Within yourself. You have to draw strength from you. Neither seeking validation nor acceptance, just seeking the opportunity to show love.


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## greenpearl

MarriedWifeInLove

This makes perfect sense. 

I am using this in my marriage, and the result is I have a wonderful marriage. 

I love, I sacrifice, I try hard to make my husband happy, and what I get is a loving and happy husband, in return, he tries hard to make me happy. 

If we only think about ourselves, if we only want us to be happy, I don't think the spouses will be happy, if they are not happy, how can we be happy? 

It's all good circle or vicious circle.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

:iagree:
Since my husband brought this home, I've really been thinking about how much I sacrifice "myself" - truly sacrifice myself to love unconditionally without thinking about "what's in it for me."

I'm trying to apply this more in my own relationship and just give and love him without expecting the same in return because I want him to feel loved and happy.

I've already seen a difference in how he has opened up and is more loving towards me (he got this handout about a week ago) since I've just shown love and not worried about what I was going to get back.

Funny how I'm learning more about myself as i've aged (just turned 50) - if I knew then what I know now...


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## greenpearl

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> :iagree:
> Since my husband brought this home, I've really been thinking about how much I sacrifice "myself" - truly sacrifice myself to love unconditionally without thinking about "what's in it for me."
> 
> I'm trying to apply this more in my own relationship and just give and love him without expecting the same in return because I want him to feel loved and happy.
> 
> I've already seen a difference in how he has opened up and is more loving towards me (he got this handout about a week ago) since I've just shown love and not worried about what I was going to get back.
> 
> Funny how I'm learning more about myself as i've aged (just turned 50) - if I knew then what I know now...




Happy for you, at least you know the answer to a true happy marriage now. 

When we give, just give, our motivation is to want them to be happy. Don't think what we will get by what we give. We won't be disappointed if we don't get anything in return. 

And if our husbands are happy, they'll appreciate our hard work and sacrifice, they see it, they love it, they'll give back. When they give back, we receive. 

Some people might say that their husbands don't give back, I don't think this happen often. 

If we smile to people, people will smile back at us. How many people just ignore us and walk away?I am sure there are still some. I don't think there are many. 

Love, just give out love, then it is love we will receive!


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## MsLonely

Recently, I've been helping my domestic help to solve her big marriage problem. It's a very hard time for any woman. She loves her husband and she has gone overseas to work, bringing home bacon to him and to her kids. She has done her best to please him and she can even give up her life for him, so to speak! However, the fact is, he enjoyed spending all her money with other woman. She just found out the ugly truth and she's very hurt. He's being a terrible liar and did his best to make her suffer alone far from her family and home. We're not her family but being there like her family to give her comfort and support. Therefore, I will NEVER advice people to love blindly and unconditionally without looking at some ugly facts of that spouse. It doesn't make sense to give away your precious love to an assxxxx for receiving all craps back. True love can only give to someone who respects you, who loves you faithfully and who can be trusted. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl

Some people just have bad luck.

Be glad that you are one of the lucky ones.


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## MsLonely

greenpearl said:


> Some people just have bad luck.
> 
> Be glad that you are one of the lucky ones.


Yes but I'm terrified. No woman wants to get married to find out her husband betrays her one day. You're lucky now doesn't mean you'll be lucky forever. You're lucky doesn't all the people are so lucky as you. People change from time to time. Once a very good spouse can become a very lousy one that's why many people are suffering and looking for insights. Of course you can love your man blindly but sometimes it's danger to advice everybody to do like you, especially for those, who suffer from domestic violence and cheating spouses. It doesn't make sense when you advice them just love blindly without asking for return.


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## greenpearl

I learn from the past, live in the present, and plan for my future.

I don't let my future bother me. I don't let my past haunt me.

It will be stupid of me to let unknown future torture me.


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## Idontknownow

MarriedWifeinLove,

Thank you so much for posting this. It's something I needed to read this morning.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

I'm glad it helped.


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## SimplyAmorous

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> This is not an easy road to walk. But it is the most rewarding road however. An old Buddhist saying goes like this, 'I want peace.' If you take your ego (I) and your desires (want) out of the equation, i.e., the self, you will have only peace left. The true meaning of marriage is expressing love unconditionally to another. It is an unstoppable force that can endure anything. How do you find it? Within yourself. You have to draw strength from you. Neither seeking validation nor acceptance, just seeking the opportunity to show love.



I feel this is all true, no doubt, the only downside is : If our spouses abuse it. And this happens far too often in marraiges. It takes a very very very special man or women to NOT start building resentment to live this way and not expect or desire anything in return. 

How many of us can truly take our desires out of the equation? All of our desires, all of our wants?? I can not count myself among those who walk this path, I believe I am too selfish for this. 

Just being honest. 

MarriedWifeInLove: Your husband is truly & utterly blessed.


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## MsLonely

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel this is all true, no doubt, the only downside is : If our spouses abuse it. And this happens far too often in marraiges. It takes a very very very special man or women to NOT start building resentment to live this way and not expect or desire anything in return.
> 
> How many of us can truly take our desires out of the equation? All of our desires, all of our wants?? I can not count myself among those who walk this path, I believe I am too selfish for this.
> 
> Just being honest.
> 
> MarriedWifeInLove: Your husband is truly & utterly blessed.


I agree. I do believe in unconditional love only when my husband has same belief. 
I don't want to be a saint or trying to be one.
If a man gives me any crap, he must get ready to recieve tons of shxx... In this case, better give my love to my dog. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA

Unconditional love:
I think we all practice this to some degree, at some point in our relationships, and in successful marriages, pretty much all the time. It's about choice. We all make the choice to stay with a person every day, despite their faults. This is basically what it's about. We're not staying with them because we literally can't live without them, though it would feel like death in some ways to part with them. This means it's not all about them, and the responsibility for the marriage and your happiness isn't completely on their shoulders.

Where 'love' can go wrong: Sometimes it is fear that keeps people together, the fear of being alone. They let this 'fear of death' control them. If a person is strong within themselves, this fear isn't present, or it is examined and ignored as silly 'old brain' stuff. A partner could sense that, see the strength that runs beneath, and this in itself would keep a person true when otherwise they may not have been. People can sense fear, and most will see it as a weakness, and for a person who struggles with their own faults (lust, addictions, low self-respect etc), not taking advantage of this weakness would be difficult. They know that where the strength would mean their partner could walk away and move on if they give into their destructive urges, the weakness means that their partner will stay. There is nothing driving them to overcome their faults or grow as people.

"If you take your ego (I) and your desires (want) out of the equation, i.e., the self, you will have only peace left."

In theory, this sounds great, if I were a monk.


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## changehappens

Interesting discussion. However, for this definition of love to exist and survive, the people involved have to have risen to a higher level of consciousness than the average human. IMO, one of the main ingredients required in order for this to arrangement work is selflessness on the part of at least one of the spouses. My wife talks the talk about this selflessness but doesn’t really walk the walk (I hear so much from her about I don’t meet her needs, and therefore, she can’t find it in herself to meet my needs). 

To be truly successful with this model of love and marriage, at least one partner has to be truly selfless and the other has also be the same way, or at least the other has to be truly honest, trustworthy and have a deep level of commitment to the relationship. 

I feel that many marriages fail because both spouses are looking for what they get in return for whatever they give to the relationship. In those terms, the relationship degenerates to a business relationship where emotional support, affection, sex, food, clothing, shelter, etc, are obtained in exchange for whatever physical, monetary or emotional currency is being given in return.


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## SimplyAmorous

changehappens said:


> Interesting discussion. However, for this definition of love to exist and survive, the people involved have to have risen to a higher level of consciousness than the average human. IMO, one of the main ingredients required in order for this to arrangement work is selflessness on the part of at least one of the spouses. My wife talks the talk about this selflessness but doesn’t really walk the walk (I hear so much from her about I don’t meet her needs, and therefore, she can’t find it in herself to meet my needs).
> 
> To be truly successful with this model of love and marriage, at least one partner has to be truly selfless and the other has also be the same way, or at least the other has to be truly honest, trustworthy and have a deep level of commitment to the relationship.


 Before THIS post, I was accually thinking about this , the same thoughts exactly- about at least 1 partner.

In evulating my own marriage, I can say 100% that my husband is much more selfless than ME. Always has been. It is so true, I demand more, I want more. He was patient when I was not so into sex, he was never the type to demand his needs & wants, or even complain. (I wish he had though) I am so pathetically opposite of this, he amazes me, but it sometimes bothers me too. I want him to be more selfish!!! I have accually had arguments with him about this. 

I am that other partner, like THIS post mentions, who is truly Honest in return , about what I want, need and since he is such a giver, he strives to fullfill. Luckily, the things I "want" the most are things he loves to give. This surely helps. (We share the same primary Love Languages). He also understands me , with my weaknesses, knowing I am not as patient as him, not as self-less but accepts me & loves me all the same. I am a Giver too, especially in the sex department these days, I even surpass him. 

BUt for me to give & give & give and not get anything back, I am simply not the type who could Endure this. 

I really believe my marraige works beautifully MORE because of who I am married too, than anything I am doing. So much credit goes to my Husband.


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## swedish

I am taking a few days off work to do a home project and was at the hardware store getting paint. An elderly couple was next to me and the man asked me if I was a painter. I said, 'No, just doing a house project.' I thought, how sweet, in their 70's probably and out shopping together. Then he said '_You_ are doing the painting? Look at that honey, _she _is doing the painting!' The woman said 'Okay dear, that's enough we need to go.' I was at the checkout and the same couple walked up behind me in the line. He then started talking about the ladder I was buying and I said 'Yes, I had to call my husband on that one. I was going to get the cheap ladder but he suggested this one because there's a lightbulb I need to change but can't reach with our small ladder.' Then he said ' So _you _ can change the lightbulb? Wow, you have one lucky husband!' And I said 'I actually feel like the lucky one!'

I believe his comments were in jest but I felt bad for the woman because it was obvious she was feeling disrespected. And I was thinking, it's not how long you've been married that guages success, but if both husband and wife feel like 'the lucky one' chances are you are happily married!


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## Trenton

SimplyAmorous said:


> Before THIS post, I was accually thinking about this , the same thoughts exactly- about at least 1 partner.
> 
> In evulating my own marriage, I can say 100% that my husband is much more selfless than ME. Always has been. It is so true, I demand more, I want more. He was patient when I was not so into sex, he was never the type to demand his needs & wants, or even complain. (I wish he had though) I am so pathetically opposite of this, he amazes me, but it sometimes bothers me too. I want him to be more selfish!!! I have accually had arguments with him about this.
> 
> I am that other partner, like THIS post mentions, who is truly Honest in return , about what I want, need and since he is such a giver, he strives to fullfill. Luckily, the things I "want" the most are things he loves to give. This surely helps. (We share the same primary Love Languages). He also understands me , with my weaknesses, knowing I am not as patient as him, not as self-less but accepts me & loves me all the same. I am a Giver too, especially in the sex department these days, I even surpass him.
> 
> BUt for me to give & give & give and not get anything back, I am simply not the type who could Endure this.
> 
> I really believe my marraige works beautifully MORE because of who I am married too, than anything I am doing. So much credit goes to my Husband.


My relationship is just like yours! We must have similar personalities and married similar personalities or just been lucky enough to have found our soul mates. Let's go with the later as it's more romantic.


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## SimplyAmorous

Trenton said:


> My relationship is just like yours! We must have similar personalities and married similar personalities or just been lucky enough to have found our soul mates. Let's go with the later as it's more romantic.


 
I have always believed in the concept of opposites attracting myself. So long as you have similar interests, similar love languages, You have the attraction thing going on, the more difference in your personal Temperments, probably the better! 

I am a Choleric/Melancholy and he is true Phlegmatic , this works very very well 99% of the time, except when my temperment weaknesses get the best of me & I cause trouble for him. 

A few links with explaining the 4 temperments & their differneces: http://wheretheriverflows.blog.com/2010/03/30/temperament-test-2010/
and http://hubpages.com/hub/Four-Temperaments-Take-the-Test--Discover-your-Termperament


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## Trenton

Thanks SA, interesting. I'll check it out.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

changehappens said:


> Interesting discussion. However, for this definition of love to exist and survive, the people involved have to have risen to a higher level of consciousness than the average human. IMO, one of the main ingredients required in order for this to arrangement work is selflessness on the part of at least one of the spouses. My wife talks the talk about this selflessness but doesn’t really walk the walk (I hear so much from her about I don’t meet her needs, and therefore, she can’t find it in herself to meet my needs).
> 
> To be truly successful with this model of love and marriage, at least one partner has to be truly selfless and the other has also be the same way, or at least the other has to be truly honest, trustworthy and have a deep level of commitment to the relationship.
> 
> I feel that many marriages fail because both spouses are looking for what they get in return for whatever they give to the relationship. In those terms, the relationship degenerates to a business relationship where emotional support, affection, sex, food, clothing, shelter, etc, are obtained in exchange for whatever physical, monetary or emotional currency is being given in return.


:iagree: And that's exactly what I'm trying to do - is give selflessly without expecting anything in return - not as hard to do as I thought - it makes for less disappointment and less expectation - which leads to less disappointment and so on.

I don't want to be in a marriage where there is tit for tat - just as you stated in your quote - I want to give and expect nothing in return except the joy of giving and making the other person happy. Now, of course, if my husband takes advantage of that I might change my tune...but, I'm giving it a try and it is causing less stress for me personally when I don't expect something back.

We'll see how it turns out in the long term.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have always believed in the concept of opposites attracting myself. So long as you have similar interests, similar love languages, You have the attraction thing going on, the more difference in your personal Temperments, probably the better!
> 
> I am a Choleric/Melancholy and he is true Phlegmatic , this works very very well 99% of the time, except when my temperment weaknesses get the best of me & I cause trouble for him.
> 
> A few links with explaining the 4 temperments & their differneces: http://wheretheriverflows.blog.com/2010/03/30/temperament-test-2010/
> and Four Temperaments: Take the Test & Discover your Termperament


Thanks! I'm going to look these over...might help!


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## CrystalCanole

Marriage is sacred and it only works when people are both completely involved in the marriage. If one party is not working on it than it will inevitably fail. Dr Laura is someone that people should check out who need help with their marriage. She has a lot of good advice. I do not agree with everything she has to say but a lot of it makes sense.

Crystal M. Canole: Dr. Laura Schlessinger


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## Spikeygrrl

I recently was tasked to compose this by my marriage counselor; it represents a lot of serious thought. My counselor liked it so much that he suggested I post it around and give MORE serious thought to others' reactions.

I'm starting HERE.

Marriage is...
a solemn contract between a man and a woman. Suitable spouses exhibit all the characteristics of a true platonic friend (e.g., moral, intellectual, social, aspirational, lifestyle, and philosophical and/or religious compatibility), PLUS sexual attraction, PLUS a moral AND legal commitment to have each other's backs "for better or for worse." 

Marriage is NOT NECESSARILY about procreation. (Would anyone really deny the rights and privileges of marriage to a man and a woman one or both of whom are infertile, past their childbearing years, or CHOOSE to be childless?)

Marriage per se is not possible for same-sex couples. Civil unions with all the rights and privileges of marriage ARE possible. Persons of moral character – whether or not they are religionists – support same-sex couples’ decision to share their lives. We’re not denying homosexuals the opportunity to ride…but when you mount up, don’t even try to call your zebra a horse.


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## Jeff/BC

skipping all the flowery prose and hyperbole... "you should be more worried about what you're giving than what you're getting."

excellent advice that seldom gets implemented.


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## Spikeygrrl

@JeffBC: I like it.

My husband is similarly terse and equally perceptive in what he always writes in the "memory/advice books" of weddings we attend:

"DON'T GIVE UP."


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## Jeff/BC

Spikeygrrl said:


> MORE serious thought to others' reactions.


OK.

First of all, I would add change the first line to "Marriage to ME is..." because honestly, there are lots and lots of couples in the world and NONE of them care what you think their marriage ought to be about.

Secondly, the religious procreation bit is again, personal to you and that's fine but I find it poisonous. It REALLY gets my hackles up now that you're telling me what my marriage is not necessarily about. How about you keep your own religious traditions in your own marriage?

And again, the same comment with your comments about same-sex couples. I find them poisonous so it has nothing to do with anything I consider marriage, love, or god to be about.

Overall I'm curious why you feel so compelled to tell me what my marriage is all about? Are you sure you're done worrying about what YOUR marriage is about? Honestly, mine's going pretty well without your guidance and insight and hate.

Personally, I think you'd get better response to this if you kept it in religious circles. There, you're going to see more commonality of mindset so you'll get more head nodding and less people like me saying, "Keep that away from me and mine." Out in the larger world where people of different traditions and viewpoints exist... well... they probably have their own thoughts about marriage.


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## Spikeygrrl

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Jeff.

I'm curious as to why you find my topic line to be any more offensive than all the others which read "True Meaning of Marriage." I never laid claim to "true meaning" as so many others did.

And, for the record, I'm an atheist.


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## Spikeygrrl

@SimplyAmorous: "A few links with explaining the 4 temperments & their differneces..."

I like it, and will take the test soon. Probably right this minute. Patience is NOT one of my virtues 

Are you by any chance familiar with the Kiersey model...?

Relatively quick, fun self-test is here: Personality Test - Keirsey.com *** Keirsey Temperament Sorter II

I'm an ENTJ. You?


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## Spikeygrrl

@SimplyAmorous: " "A few links with explaining the 4 temperments & their differneces..."

Cool test! I'm a 60% Melancholy. Creative and crabby. (Like this is news? )

When my active-duty military husband gets home from 6 weeks of instructing field exercises out in the middle of High Desert Bum-F*** Nowhere I'll give him your links - he enjoys this kind of thing almost as much as I do.


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