# Should I stay or should I go



## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

I think I'm past the Denial/Anger/Depression phases and finally starting to get into acceptance. 

I found out a couple weeks ago that my husband of 13 years and father of our 4 children has been having cybersex (cameras and everything) for the last 3 years. He didn't decide this was wrong and confess to me, this was something I discovered. After 3 years of putting my head in the ground thinking this was the love of my life who I could trust with anything, I've found that he's not the person I thought he was at all.

I believe that marriage means you love someone despite, or maybe because of, their faults and that you shouldn't try to change a person. You love them as they are. If I hadn't found out about this, he would still be doing it and has told me that. He's told me he'll stop and will do anything to keep me but he's also told me that he started because he wasn't happy and was "afraid" to talk to me about it. My problem is that I don't know if I want to stay in a relationship with someone who, obviously, is not happy with me. Won't he just start up again next time he's unhappy? I haven't touched him since I found out. All I can think about is all the times we've been intimate over the years and how he was thinking about his internet girlfriends the whole time. I really don't want to go through his again.


With, sadly, all the vast experience of the users on this website, is there anyone who can recommend guidelines or a good book or website to go to, to determine if a relationship is worth saving? I have the kids to think about and so far, they know nothing about the problems we're having. I don't want to put them through any undue stress if I don't have to.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Basically Deb, you can think of it simply as a balance sheet. 

Here is what is healthy, good, and worth saving on one side, and what is crappy and not good on the other side.

Hopefully the good outweighs the bad. With one big caveat.
There can be 20 things on the good side, and just one on the bad (although that's unlikely) and if you can't live with that one bad thing in spite of all the other good, than it doesn't matter.

I have a close friend whose husband is addicted to pornography. He promised to stop. It set her up for a cycle of lies, spying, and discovery of those lies. Third time she caught him it was over. In trying to work through the problem she lost all respect for him - and no marriage is worth much when you no longer respect your spouse.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, if its any consolation, I've done my pros and cons, and have decided that my leaving would hurt me more than help me. My H and I have so much in common - goals, aspirations, dreams that fit together. He has worked to completely improve our situation. Do I trust him, well, no. He's not the person I thought he was. We changed rules, he's following them, and I'm trusting my gut a lot more than I used to. So, the pros win...until I meet say, George Clooney, who might fall madly for me and propose. Then...its a whole new game.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

*stillINshock*


Wow! It's like you're my secret clone or something! Well, except for the George Clooney part...maybe Keifer Sutherland instead....



but yeah....The big con is that I just don't trust him at all anymore and I'm hoping that will get better with time.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Deb, I realize the whole thing is a raw nerve at the moment, but you have indicated that there have been discussions with him. 

Has he been able to articulate 'why' he chose this form of gratification rather than pursuing you?

Do you believe that there was a breakdown in your relationship?


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

First he said he was bored, then he said he was "horny", then he said he was afraid I wasn't happy being with him and was afraid to talk to me about it...I don't think HE knows why. I had a talk with him last night and told him that he needs to figure out why this happened because I won't be able to believe that it won't start up again unless we can fix why it started in the first place. He hasn't answered me yet.

I didn't think there was any kind of breakdown...I've read lots of articles and writings about marriage and have tried my best to keep things interesting. At the 10 year mark I took him to an "adult toy" shop and we bought some stuff to try to spice up our love life abit(one of the things I've read is 10 years is about the time partners start to get bored with each other sexually) and he really seemed to like that. At least once or twice a month, would get a sitter so we could have some US time, without the kids. I thought that things were perfect. I would brag to people at work how wonderful my husband was and how happy I was that I had found him...and 3 years ago, at our 10 year mark, is when this all started. I just don't know...


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep, whether its George or Keifer, its good to keep in mind. 

The trust piece does get better. I recently had a conversation with him (AKA mr. nicest guy on the planet to everyone else) that he needs to be aware that his "being nice" can be easily translated into "being available" thus putting him in a position that makes me not trust him. His response was 'but I have to be nice to people." but I can tell that its sinking in. He's learning that he needs to take responsibility for his actions and not blame others. And again, I'm going with my gut and calling him on stuff. No matter how minute. I'm trying not to be heavy handed, delivering with a smile - but serious at the same time. He's getting it - and he's seeing that I'm aware, very aware. 

I can tell he wants things to be right. 
Yeah. I've learned from this blog that there are a lot of us clones around. Humbling - and humanizing at the same time. 
Feel better...and trust yourself.


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