# Made her feel unattractive?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well tonight was supposed to be good, and it still is, sort of...

Ok it's not... I had planned to just spend some time with her (even spoil her bc she's been good to me) but things didn't go to plan. I decided to have a more deep convo with her in regards to where we stand in our marriage after the dramas last few years. Long story short... I got an answer but it's not so pleasant

She's got a serious deep wound from me by my apparent lack of attraction to her. Like WTF?! She wasn't very specific at all and I can tell she's expecting me to figure it out *sighs*... that's my homework... meh know her too well

But I don't really get it, if anything my passion for her has only increased and I've shown that to her. I don't know what is going on really, it's a real weird turn of events


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Unless you’ve quit drinking so much and getting drunk you’ll be two separate people living two lives. And one wont know the other. You will say and do things when drunk you’d never do when sober.

And you wont even remember what you’ve said and done. So you’ll be suffering from amnesia but don’t know it.


From your wife’s perspective there is two of you and one cannot see the other. She knows that but you don’t. Although she has not a clue that you cannot see it.


You will, like all alcoholics have a victim personality.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maybe those feelings are from when you turned her down from sex time after time. I do remember you stating this in a post a while back. Maybe she was pushing you too much into performing, but she was taking it as rejection every time you turned her down.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It turns out that she's actually been hurt over the way I put down her looks in the past and refused to appreciate them, and I was an ass... meh

She's opening up a lot and is listening to what I have to say, it's not too bad at the moment but I guess I doubt she can take much more of pain anymore.


----------



## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> It turns out that she's actually been hurt over the way I put down her looks in the past and refused to appreciate them, and I was an ass... meh
> 
> She's opening up a lot and is listening to what I have to say, it's not too bad at the moment but I guess I doubt she can take much more of pain anymore.


Yeah, that stuff hurts. I don't know what her background is, but I do know that that kind of thing sticks with a woman. She needs to be built up. Slow at first. Because of where you're at right now, you don't want too much too soon. 

That's one thing I'm learning to do with my wife. Help a little more. Compliment a lot. Let her know I want her in every way. I think for a while we took each other for granted. It's pretty cool how if you change, then your wife changes toward you. 

We're all learning here. That's a big part of what this forum is all about.


----------



## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/35117-im-attracted-solely-her-personality.html

She may have a point.


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

dymo said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/35117-im-attracted-solely-her-personality.html
> 
> She may have a point.


I remember reading this thread and thinking to myself how badly it would hurt if my husband felt this way about me. The fact that she is on here too and reads what you write I would say this is a huge reason she feels that you aren't attracted to her. We all say things when we are angry but when a woman reads or hears something like that it will stick in her mind forever.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wrote that six months ago, before she came on this forum, and before what we established recently... I was lazy and assumed that whatever I wrote I already told her anyway but obviously not

I forgot...
But it is not like how it was six months ago, I was angry, frustrated, and stupid at that time. I've learnt and I have made changes, she MUST know this


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It was Woman who taught the elephants.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

this is unhealthy you guy's need outside help 

best of luck


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I wrote that six months ago, before she came on this forum, and before what we established recently... I was lazy and assumed that whatever I wrote I already told her anyway but obviously not
> 
> I forgot...
> But it is not like how it was six months ago, I was angry, frustrated, and stupid at that time. I've learnt and I have made changes, she MUST know this


Your wife isn't going to get over that hurt in six months. It's going to take years for you to prove your attraction to her...and wanting her to die her hair a different color while she's already feeling like you're not attracted to her just compounds this hurt.

I wish you luck in fixing this. It is an entirely unintentially yet self causing problem.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've recently discussed this with her... she seems content with what I had to say, but I guess words are still words, only time will heal this.

The truth is that in the past I always had hiccups with her looks because of racial/cultural conditioning. Realising that I had to change, and I have; I now no longer have this problem, but what I wrote in the past has cut her quite bad.

To the point whatever I say or even suggest I have to be much more careful not to hurt her feelings


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I've recently discussed this with her... she seems content with what I had to say, but I guess words are still words, only time will heal this.
> 
> The truth is that in the past I always had hiccups with her looks because of racial/cultural conditioning. Realising that I had to change, and I have; I now no longer have this problem, but what I wrote in the past has cut her quite bad.
> 
> To the point whatever I say or even suggest I have to be much more careful not to hurt her feelings


There's hope for you yet RD!


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I wrote that six months ago, before she came on this forum, and before what we established recently... I was lazy and assumed that whatever I wrote I already told her anyway but obviously not
> 
> I forgot...
> But it is not like how it was six months ago, I was angry, frustrated, and stupid at that time. *I've learnt and I have made changes, she MUST know this*


Ummm...maybe not. 

You cannot Assume that she sees the changes now & "knows" that you were frustrated & angry back then.

If she felt "cut down" about her looks/attractiveness to you.. It would take LOTS of reasuring words to make up for ONE time of feeling like you said she was unattractive.


----------



## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Your wife isn't going to get over that hurt in six months. It's going to take years for you to prove your attraction to her...and wanting her to die her hair a different color while she's already feeling like you're not attracted to her just compounds this hurt.
> 
> I wish you luck in fixing this. It is an entirely unintentially yet self causing problem.


Very well put


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EDIT: Ok it's kinda obvious now, this is a F-test

So if I act like an ass, she won't dare ruin a good thing
But if I act like a nice guy... she throws this F-test in my face


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> EDIT: Ok it's kinda obvious now, this is a F-test
> 
> So if I act like an ass, she won't dare ruin a good thing
> But if I act like a nice guy... she throws this F-test in my face


Your entire relationship seems to be one giant power struggle, where each of you is more worried about getting "one-up" on the other than actually accomplishing anything positive.


----------



## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

You are totally justified.

Just throw his garbage where it bothers him the most. His car?

Women who look after everything at home are really taken advantage of. I have been on both sides, and working is easier.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Your entire relationship seems to be one giant power struggle, where each of you is more worried about getting "one-up" on the other than actually accomplishing anything positive.


Yet this time I have no intention to one-up my own wife here, it was my decision to make changes for us and I'd rather we settle down

But it's either she's F-testing me, or trying to revenge on me, or simply blowing up at me...


----------

