# Married male, new (f) co-worker changed dynamics of my life



## Journeyman

Hi All, 
I'm new to this forum and hope you can help me with a problem that has been bugging me for a while. I'm an attractive 32 (m) and married to my wife of 3 years; we recently bought a new house and life is good, I have a great career and recently moved on to a new job in the same industry. However, two months after starting a new role my situation became complicated, a new girl also started at the same age, we had an immediate connection - shes the most beautiful girl I have seen in my view, we would glance eyes at each other whenever we could, and she is the first girl in my entire life to make my heart race, we don't talk much as we're in different departments but she is touchy-feely when I occupy certain meeting rooms. I have never felt this way about any girl before, and It's polarising my mind. 

I once went away for a holiday and came back and she asked if I went with my wife (I wear a wedding band) perhaps to confirm if I was married or not, since then she has continued to flirt, this built up to a moment where I messaged her on a business platform one afternoon, and she responded at some point during the night, we had a good exchange and I then approached her in a romantic sense (my feelings got the better of me), after complimenting her she replied by saying 'I know your married, so I won't take it any further than a friendly exchange'. 
She backed off for a while and then started flirting with me again from a far, I reached out to her again and told her I was going away on holiday, she asked for how long and then didnt reply. While I was away on a weekend which I never expected, she replied with a message "I hope you have the best time", she waited two days to reply on the weekend at a time people don't usually work which I thought was rather odd. On my return, she became distant again, I waited a few more weeks and we began to chat again, and the flirting would start again, after which one evening while talking to her on the business social channel she said this would be her last message as she's not a big messenger, I respected this and we've not spoken since. She was more distant and abrupt until recently where she will pick me out to offer me office sweets or coffee. 
I know I'm married, but as I say I didn't know how this would unfold, I've never felt this way about anybody and my feelings got the best of me, I have isolated myself from her into a new department in the same building, because as much as I love the thought of seeing her, I feel like it's a rollercoaster of emotion for me. I know nothing will ever happen between us, but we both know we like each other but due to circumstances, it won't go further.

I'm happy in my marriage but I feel my wife has put on weight since we met and I still love her and I'm encouraging her to go to the gym which we now both do which I find helps motivate her, my wife is a confident, intelligent alpha women and with looks to match, it's her weight I have an issue with and I also feel I have a void in my life and that is a child, I feel like I need a long term focus in my life, an intensive one to occupy my time and mind outside of work, we've talked about having kids and feel it's the right time. I think if those two elements are addressed, I would be much more content in life and then I would not feel the need flirt with this girl whenever I see her. Although no other attractive woman has made me feel this way, I also think I miss the romantic attraction and desire of the chase which makes me feel alive, but perhaps I can replace this void with kids and optimising our relationship?* 

I appreciate this is a long post, I have not found any answers to this through speaking with private counsellers, so I'm hoping somebody here could help me with my situation.


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## EleGirl

It's not a good idea to use your email address as your user name. I'm going to remove the email provider from your user name. It's also not a good idea to use your real name. So if that's your real name, let me know what you would like your user name changed to and I will change it for you.

Others will be around soon to reply to your post. Welcome to TAM.


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## Journeyman

Hi Ele,
Thanks for your reply. Could you please change my username to: Journeyman, please.


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## Betrayedone

I see a disaster in the making..........


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## phillybeffandswiss

Don't you bring a child into your messy thinking. 


You didn't cheat because the flirt didn't step forward on YOUR ESCALATION of the situation. You need to take the hint. What you think is flirting sounds like her general personality. She seems to back off every time YOU take it too far. I have a female friend who is touchy feely and "honey" this and that. I never thought she was a flirt, until someone took it that way. I still don't, but can understand how it can be mis construed. Still, she backs off and you still think she wants you.

SO, to me, it sounds like she respects your marriage more than you. 

I'll let the women address your "fat wife, get in shape" trope.


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## StarFires

You have no idea who you are, and so that means you also don't know who you are not. And who you are not is marriage material. Everybody who is married or with someone finds someone else very attractive and appealing. But not everyone acts on those feelings, which you have done. You share too much of an emotional connection with that woman because you want her and like her flirting and attentions, but you know full well that is cheating on your wife because it's an emotional affair you have been having. You may have distanced yourself physically from her, but she still occupies way too much time and space in your head, so you don't want the physical distance to be permanent. Married people are not supposed to behave the way you have been behaving. There should never have been any texting or emails or messages or any kind whatsoever. You should have put a stop to her flirting immediately, but you didn't. Instead, you welcomed it, looked forward to it, and liked when she did it. 

And to make matters worse, you are blaming your wife for all of it. If only this and if only that. But your wife is not to blame for any of your actions, nor does she deserve you finding every way you can think of to claim that she is.

Your wife losing weight will not fix you. A child will not fix you. Once those are addressed, the greater likelihood is you will find something else to blame on her for your wanting to connect with some other woman under the guise that your life isn't perfect all because of your wife, just like you are doing right now. In fact, you would only selfishly bring a child into your neurosis only to be abandoned to be raised by just one parent, or flip-flopped back and forth between households for the rest of his or her childhood, after you have officially screwed up your marriage and scattered your family to the wind, which at the rate you're going is only a matter of time because you don't exercise self-control over your whims.

Stop blaming your wife's weight. Stop blaming your lack of a kid. Start taking a good look at yourself. Decide who you will be based on the person you want to be. And then become that person. For real and forever.

So imagine how devasted your wife will be when she discovers your affair. At this point, it's an emotional affair, and that will destroy her. When you allow this one or some other one to become a sexual affair and you make some lame claim that it just happened by accident, along with 32 accusations that it was all her fault, that will destroy your wife and your marriage and your family.

If you end your marriage now because you're not marriage material since you want to have your attractions and your fun and manufacture a hundred ways to blame your wife for your shortcomings, that will destroy her too, but it's something less hurtful and far easier to get over than her marriage ending due to you having affairs. So it's the lesser of two evils. But at least it won't be years down the line, and she will still have a lot of opportunity to find love and happiness with someone who actually wants to be married and can devote themselves honestly to the vows they made.


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## uhtred

When you meet a new person you don't know much about them, so there is a tendency to fill in the blanks out of fantasy. Once you know someone very well (like a spouse), there are no blanks - reality has replaced the fantasy and can never be as good.

Its an easy tap to fall into.


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## Thound

Don't get your meat where you get your bread.


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## Oldtimer

Young man, I agree with the other posters. YOU are heading down a very slippery slope and in turn will damage you unknowing wife immensely.

How can you say that you are in a happy marriage when basically you put down your wife and the weight she might have gained since marrying you. You also state that she is now going to the gym with you which is good.

I honestly don’t think her losing weight and having a child with you will change anything. I’m not saying you are, nor am I a psychologist, but from what I read, you seem to have narcissistic tendencies.

I would encourage you to continue seeing your therapist, ditch the fuzzy thoughts and feelings surrounding your crush. You state that your wife has looks to match her personality. Open your eyes at what you have and ffs start flirting with your wife who you profess to love.

My two cents, take it or leave it.

OT


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## Betrayedone

Will be surprised to see him back here....


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## rugswept

you are well on the way to destroying your marriage. if your wife knew what you've already done, she'd be devastated. 
you should read the wedding vows that you originally took and ask yourself if you still believe those words. you should do that. 

if you're so infatuated with this OW and must have her (which is what it sounds like), i suggest you D and do as you wish. 
you probably want it both ways: a loyal wife and the hottest girl you've ever been with in your life, at the same time. 
that seems to be what you really want. 

for the sake of your marriage, this is what is really necessary: out of sight, out of mind. 
you must do whatever is necessary so that you never come in contact with the irresistible woman again. 
the instant warmth you felt will fade and you can think more about your M and your wife instead of this OW. 
you are on the precipice my friend. and i'm not sure you're going to make it.


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## sokillme

Go read SurvivingInfidelity.com Go read all the posts in the just found out section. Read the heartache and misery, then imagine that is your wife who is posting. THINK MAN. Do you love your wife? I mean really love her? Then if you do, your responsibility is to cherish and support her. To protect her even from the worst of yourself, your worst nature. That is what men do, live up to your calling.

Finally talk to her about what is going on in your mind, not this girl but how you feel. Instead of, "you got fat", how about "I fell like my attraction to you isn't important to you anymore. Why is that?" or even "I need more then this. I need us to work on each other."

Talk to her, that is marriage. Or divorce her before you bring a kid into the destruction that you will cause.


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## MattMatt

@Journeyman, you say you are attractive.

Physically, perhaps. But attractive as a person, I don't find it easy to regard you as very attractive.

What I want you to do is to perform a thought experiment.

Read your first post and imagine the person who wrote it is not you.

What kind of a person, what kind of a man, would you think could do such a thing to his wife and family?


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## MattMatt

I went through something similar at work. A female colleague was very hot and sexy and we had been friends for years.

We could have taken it further but we didn't.

The end.


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## aquarius1

No. Just no. Full stop. 

You’ve already had an EA with this woman. Stop now. Either divorce and be free, or forget her.

Please do NOT bring an innocent child into this. Children are a challenge to the strongest marriages. 
Sleeplessness, money issues, FURTHER CHANGES IN YOUR WIFE’S WEIGHT AND BODY SHAPE, changes in sex frequency as well as disagreements re: discipline methods can make for hard work.

You, my friend are living in a fantasy land. The problem is not your wife’s weight or lack of a child. The problem is your lack of personal insight and maturity. Please continue IC.

And for goodness sake, if you want to keep your job STOP using your business platform to conduct personal business.
The company OWNS it, not you. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this happen. Sheesh.


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## aquarius1

MattMatt said:


> I went through something similar at work. A female colleague was very hot and sexy and we had been friends for years.
> 
> We could have taken it further but we didn't.
> 
> The end.


Exactly MattMatt. We have all encountered that person that took our breath away. That sometimes made us wonder. We are human.

Important thing is to walk away and forget about it.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Journeyman said:


> I'm happy in my marriage but I feel my wife has put on weight since we met and I still love her and I'm encouraging her to go to the gym which we now both do which I find helps motivate her, my wife is a confident, intelligent alpha women and with looks to match, it's her weight I have an issue with and I also feel I have a void in my life and that is a child, I feel like I need a long term focus in my life, an intensive one to occupy my time and mind outside of work, we've talked about having kids and feel it's the right time. I think if those two elements are addressed, I would be much more content in life and then I would not feel the need flirt with this girl whenever I see her.


Got it.

So your wife has to get her fat ass into shape and then spit out a kid for you to keep you from being 'tempted' by that siren at work, whose been making you act like a mouth-breathing dog in heat.

Got it.

When your wife is pregnant and once again out of shape - but this time with swollen legs and feet and hands and sometimes moody or hormonal while carrying your kid, will you use THAT as your excuse for why you're screwing around? 

Because apparently, YOUR bad behavior is all your _*wife's*_ fault for not looking like a runway model 24/7.

You sound like a damned self-entitled teenager who thinks his **** behavior isn't his OWN fault.


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## She'sStillGotIt

aquarius1 said:


> Stop now. Either divorce and be free, or forget her.


LOL. Cheaters don't "divorce their spouse before cheating on them." They don't do that. :nono:

Why on earth would they give up what they have at home if they can keep what they have *PLUS* have a little extra on the side on top of it - if no one knows?

It's win/win for them. That's why they work SO hard to keep the truth from coming out and lie their fool heads off on a daily basis - so they can have that extra without losing a damned thing they already have. It's genius!

And that's what's called 'self-entitlement,' boys and girls. :grin2:


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## turnera

Journeyman said:


> I think if those two elements are addressed, I would be much more content in life and then I would not feel the need flirt with this girl whenever I see her.


So...it's your wife's fault for gaining weight and not getting pregnant yet that you are being thrown into an affair? Yeah, no. 

Grow up. Take responsibility and do responsible things.

And some reading material:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/14-signs-you-have-crossed-into-an-emotional-affair-0912157

https://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/09/20/anatomy-of-an-affair-the-chemistry-of-love/


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## phillybeffandswiss

Let's make sure it is put into perspective, this is BARELY a one sided EA. Personally, this is an infatuation not an EA IMO.



Journeyman said:


> 'I know your married, so I won't take it any further than a friendly exchange'.


Boundary.
Yet, he keeps contact,


> She backed off for a while and then started flirting with me again from a far, I reached out to her again and told her I was going away on holiday, she asked for how long and then didnt reply.


Boundary.
He conacts her again.



> she waited two days to reply on the weekend at a time people don't usually work which I thought was rather odd.


Boundary.

She makes sure to contact him AFTER he is already "on holiday."



> On my return, she became distant again, I waited a few more weeks and we began to chat again and the flirting would start again, after which one evening while talking to her on the business social channel she said this would be her last message as she's not a big messenger, I respected this and we've not spoken since.


She set a hard boundary this time.

This time he respected her and ended contact on his end.



> She was more distant and abrupt until recently where she will pick me out to offer me office sweets or coffee.


Boundary again.


Sorry, I'd have my daughter report him to HR. I'm not saying she is innocent, but a regular dude would move on with this many cold shoulder rejections. Yet, an offer of sweets has him thinking she feels the same way he does.

Infatuation.

It is good you moved departments, I'd actually recommend another company. If not a transfer within the company in anothe city or country if you really love your wife and have a great marriage.


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## sunsetmist

Please go back and count the number of I's, Me's, and My's in your original post. You sound more like 22 than 32. Co-worker is most beautiful you have ever seen, flirtyish, and touchy-feely. I'm wondering if you will ever grow up? 

It is normal to be attracted to outstanding women, but not to day-dream about moving your EA to a PA. What if she gains a few pounds, gets an illness, has an accident? Will the next hot thing ascend your possibility list?

I'm feeling angry for your wife--a confident, intelligent, alpha woman and with looks to match. I'm thinking she deserves someone who truly, deeply loves and likes her and who is not shopping for heart-beating faster, greener pastures.


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## Betrayedone

Where art thou, OP?


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## Journeyman

Hi All,
Sorry for remaining silent, I've taken the time to reflect on all your comments before posting. Since moving departments (in the same building) I have regained my old self, there aren't any problems at home, I adore my wife, and I have remained faithful in our relationship, I'm not a cheat, I think I fell for this girl and removing myself from the situation has definitely helped. Recently, however, this girl has been venturing into my department and hovering near my desk, I've observed this behaviour, and it's happened far more than I would deem as normal, I think she misses the attention, she also prolongs her eye contact when I catch her out. I will have to interact with her on a big project soon, so I'm not sure how to approach this now without it being visible to everyone there is a problem. I honestly don't know what game she is trying to play - it feels like emotional torture and mixed messages; considering her last message to me, perhaps I was infatuated by her, but I've now taken steps to distance myself, what should I do?


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## Faithful Wife

Journeyman said:


> Hi All,
> Sorry for remaining silent, I've taken the time to reflect on all your comments before posting. Since moving departments (in the same building) I have regained my old self, there aren't any problems at home, I adore my wife, and I have remained faithful in our relationship, I'm not a cheat, I think I fell for this girl and removing myself from the situation has definitely helped. Recently, however, this girl has been venturing into my department and hovering near my desk, I've observed this behaviour, and it's happened far more than I would deem as normal, I think she misses the attention, she also prolongs her eye contact when I catch her out. I will have to interact with her on a big project soon, so I'm not sure how to approach this now without it being visible to everyone there is a problem. I honestly don't know what game she is trying to play, perhaps I was infatuated by her, but I've now taken steps to distance myself, what should I do?


Tell your wife about it. That way you will be motivated to knock that crap off. If you just try to regulate yourself and keep yourself accountable, you are going to fail.

Choice #2, change jobs.


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## Casual Observer

Faithful Wife said:


> Tell your wife about it. That way you will be motivated to knock that crap off. If you just try to regulate yourself and keep yourself accountable, you are going to fail.
> 
> Choice #2, change jobs.


You might dishonestly begin the conversation with "You know, a woman at the office who was flirting with me reminded me of just how lucky I am to have married you." And then live up to those words. If your wife asks questions, answer them truthfully. There's something in your DNA that she needs to be made aware of, and watch for. With both of you working at this, things can work out. Just make very sure this is the woman of your dreams (you WIFE) and that you're going to be spending the rest of your life with her, before thinking about bringing a kid into the equation.


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## Betrayedone

Well....I have to give you credit for returning to your post as well as seemingly coming to your senses......Now do the right thing going forward


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## turnera

Tell your wife. And tell your boss that this woman has been pursuing you.

And good job.


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## SongoftheSouth

Dont sh#t where you eat. Never works out.


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## Mrs Doubt

As a wife who constantly doubta her husband is still attracted to her because she has "gained a bit of weight" over the years. I am now pregnant and that has made my emotional turmoil with my weight even worse.

Your original words are everything I have nightmares about going through my own husband's head.

You need to sort out the way you view your wife. Remember why you fell in love and married her. Go out of your way to make her feel beautiful and maybe she will-in your eyes- be so again.


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## Mr The Other

MattMatt said:


> I went through something similar at work. A female colleague was very hot and sexy and we had been friends for years.
> 
> We could have taken it further but we didn't.
> 
> The end.


He says he is attractive. 

If he were that attractive, he would be used to attention. 

It reads more like he identifies himself as attractive and is leaping on the validation that he does not get anywhere else (including the mirror).


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## Mr The Other

Journeyman said:


> Hi All,
> Sorry for remaining silent, I've taken the time to reflect on all your comments before posting. Since moving departments (in the same building) I have regained my old self, there aren't any problems at home, I adore my wife, and I have remained faithful in our relationship, I'm not a cheat, I think I fell for this girl and removing myself from the situation has definitely helped. Recently, however, this girl has been venturing into my department and hovering near my desk, I've observed this behaviour, and it's happened far more than I would deem as normal, I think she misses the attention, she also prolongs her eye contact when I catch her out. I will have to interact with her on a big project soon, so I'm not sure how to approach this now without it being visible to everyone there is a problem. I honestly don't know what game she is trying to play - it feels like emotional torture and mixed messages; considering her last message to me, perhaps I was infatuated by her, but I've now taken steps to distance myself, what should I do?


Good man!

I suspect you are not used to this. Fideltiy can be easy for many young men and you are pleased to get married and then get a secure partner. The struggle comes later and it turns out it can be hard.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Journeyman said:


> Hi All,
> Sorry for remaining silent, I've taken the time to reflect on all your comments before posting. Since moving departments (in the same building) I have regained my old self, there aren't any problems at home, I adore my wife, and I have remained faithful in our relationship, I'm not a cheat, I think I fell for this girl and removing myself from the situation has definitely helped. Recently, however, this girl has been venturing into my department and hovering near my desk, I've observed this behaviour, and it's happened far more than I would deem as normal, I think she misses the attention, she also prolongs her eye contact when I catch her out. I will have to interact with her on a big project soon, so I'm not sure how to approach this now without it being visible to everyone there is a problem. I honestly don't know what game she is trying to play - it feels like emotional torture and mixed messages; considering her last message to me, perhaps I was infatuated by her, but I've now taken steps to distance myself, what should I do?


Not sure why everyone is "congratulating" you because your situation really hasn't changed at all.

You 'adored' your wife and hadn't cheated on her in your *first *post too, except now, you're just no longer mentioning the fact that her weight is a problem for you because everyone came down on you for using that as an excuse to play grab ass with your work 'friend.'

*Nothing's changed* and you're still playing cat and mouse with Miss Thang even though you claim you've 'distanced' yourself from her. Yet, you're still clearly dancing around the pit with her.

You ain't foolin' me.


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## aquarius1

Journeyman said:


> Hi All,
> Sorry for remaining silent, I've taken the time to reflect on all your comments before posting. Since moving departments (in the same building) I have regained my old self, there aren't any problems at home, I adore my wife, and I have remained faithful in our relationship, I'm not a cheat, I think I fell for this girl and removing myself from the situation has definitely helped. Recently, however, this girl has been venturing into my department and hovering near my desk, I've observed this behaviour, and it's happened far more than I would deem as normal, I think she misses the attention, she also prolongs her eye contact when I catch her out. I will have to interact with her on a big project soon, so I'm not sure how to approach this now without it being visible to everyone there is a problem. I honestly don't know what game she is trying to play - it feels like emotional torture and mixed messages; considering her last message to me, perhaps I was infatuated by her, but I've now taken steps to distance myself, what should I do?


You make the decision in advance that you will not respond to her. You will keep it professional and not allow yourself to work or be alone with her. Please don’t forget that if this ended badly, Human Resources could be dragged into it. Not good. You are being paid to work, not f*ck.

There is a song I heard 30 years ago that is still true today

The human heart is easily swayed
And often betrayed at the hand of emotion
You dare not leave the outcome to chance
You must choose in advance
Or live with the agony
Such needless tragedy

Guard your heart
Don’t trade it for treasure, don’t give it away
Guard your heart
As a payment for pleasure, it’s a high price to pay


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## NextTimeAround

Tell your boss you are concerned abou this woman. Save all communication with her. She sounds like a predator. She has no ego in that sense so your ignoring will only make her try harder ....... so that she will have something to complain about to management.


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## lovelygirl

Journeyman said:


> Recently, however, this girl has been venturing into my department and hovering near my desk, I've observed this behaviour, and it's happened far more than I would deem as normal, I think she misses the attention, she also prolongs her eye contact when I catch her out. I will have to interact with her on a big project soon, so I'm not sure how to approach this now without it being visible to everyone there is a problem. I honestly don't know what game she is trying to play - it feels like emotional torture and mixed messages; considering her last message to me, perhaps I was infatuated by her, but I've now taken steps to distance myself, what should I do?


It sounds like she's provoking you and she's noticed your distance, therefore she's doing the "chase" now. 
Feels like she wants to "win" by getting what she wants with you. I read this as a _woman-trap_.


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## Casual Observer

NextTimeAround said:


> Tell your boss you are concerned abou this woman. Save all communication with her. She sounds like a predator. She has no ego in that sense so your ignoring will only make her try harder ....... so that she will have something to complain about to management.


While that might be partly truthful, it's also potentially harmful to her career, and his earlier actions definitely helped to lead her on, or at least make it seem he was comfortable or appreciative of what she was doing. 

I think he needs to go to his boss and explain that there's an awkward work situation that was created by *both* parties, that he is at least equally at fault, and that he'd appreciate it if it could be arranged they not work together.


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## Oldtimer

A change of venue for one of you is needed. I hope your efforts are really being steered towards your wife. Remember what I said in an earlier post, look for the beauty in front of your face. Yes there are farts warts and soon to be wrinkles, but do you think your crush or for that matter yourself won’t fall victim to the ravages of time. 

Hold on to the one that will last long term with love. It’s worth it in the long run. it’s a simple case of infatuation vs love, infatuation wont win and you lose big time. Stay the course!

OT


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## lovelygirl

It might be that OP has been spoiled by a good life, good career, good house, good finance, a good wife and has somewhat started taking these for granted, thinking they'll always be there while he could enjoy some spicy part-time adventure. 

The thought for sure is thrilling, but the reality might turn out to be very negative for you, OP. It's true, it might change the dynamic of your life ... but for worse. Like the grass which looks greener on the other side, until you walk on it to feel more disappointed than ever before!


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## phillybeffandswiss

Hmmmm....

I’d be carful reporting this woman. Your initial story coupled with this climate may end up with you fired. I mean I find it interesting you notice what she is “missing” yet, you still haven’t accepted your own responsibility in this mess.

I mean once again, she is torturing you. If there was nothing on your side, there would be no feelings, let alone torture. Sorry, you have done nothing but blame shift to me.


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