# Positive attitudes to porn in relationships



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

There are so many women in pain on TAM because of porn. I read the threads and feel so sorry for them so wanted to start a thread about how to handle the situation in a more positive way.

My eg
ex - never talked about porn or sex in general. In the end we were quite sexless on his part. I once found some porn on his PC and when I mentioned it (not accusing) he got so defensive and now I realise was completely humiliated by being caught.
He never talked about masturbation, I am sure he did it but again it was something he hid.

Current partner
we talked a lot about sex at the start and I asked him if he watched porn, he said yes. He explained to me that it was merely an aid to masturbation.
I asked him about masturbation - he said he has done it regularly since he was a teen.
His replies were confident and without hesitation. He knew I was not judging or accusing, I simply wanted to have a discussion.
He is a sex God IMO, he rocks my world and is the best lover I have ever had.

These two men are polar opposites when it comes to sex, intimacy and communication.

Porn that is hidden or that is used instead of having intimacy and sex with a wife is bad.

Porn that is enjoyed as part of a healthy sex drive is fine as far as I am concerned.

The bigger problem here is not the porn or masturbation, it is the hiding of these things that is the problem. Also not being able to communicate about them is a massive problem.

A healthy driven man can watch porn and masturbate and still love and respect his partner.
A huge problem is attitudes around porn, I see many women here think it is a reflection on how much or how little their husband loves them - it isn't.
Women that think they have the right to tell a grown man what to do with his eyes, hands and mind - no you don't.

Please don't let this ruin your marriages. Sure there are some that should be ended, the ones where the man is so disrespectful and clearly not into his wife. But I would say that there are a lot of marriages out there that could be improved with better communication and understanding on this subject by both sides.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hear, hear.

It's one thing to know this with your head, though, and quite another to actually practice it. I tried for years to not let it bother me. I succeeded, for the most part. I was fine with the magazines, we enjoyed them together, and movies too. I pretended he didn't ever look at porn or masturbate alone, although I knew he did. We still had a great sex life, and I was determined not to let it bug me. Then I found it on the computer and it really bothered me. We talked, he said he'd stop, he didn't. There was just something about internet porn that wasn't quite the same as tangible media. And finally, it was the internet porn that led to the demise of our relationship as we knew it.

We're recovering, but internet porn, IMO, needs to be differentiated from mags and DVD's. In my opinion, it's like GNO or strip clubs or being 'just friends' with a member of the opposite sex. There is too much temptation there for some guys (and girls, I suppose, although it's guys we're really talking about here).

We're on a break from porn in our relationship, but if and when we do ever reintroduce it, it will NOT be the online variety.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

porn int so bad. i don't watch it with my wife. but we do not care if the other one does. I think if the sex is goo....no problem. if it's replacing sex. BIG problem


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Great post and I agree with much that you said. I used to have a HUGE problem with porn. Because it made ME feel bad about myself (I had a lot of self esteem issues at the time) and I didn't understand why my husband preferred that over me. I mean, couldn't he have waited a few hours until I was home from work? Those were my feelings and thoughts at the time. 

After my divorce I started dating and I realized that practically all the men I met watched porn; or had subscriptions to Playboy or Penthouse. I decided it was time to educate myself and really understand what porn was all about from a man's perspective. And for the most part it was just as you said it was --- a tool. Nothing more, nothing less. So I decided if I couldn't beat 'em, I'd join 'em. I spent some time looking at porn myself to see what all the hype was about. And I was actually surprised that I was more turned on by it than I was disgusted. And ever since then I continue to use it as a tool too to relieve stress or to just meet an immediate sexual need. Let's face it. Our partners are not available at the percise moment we need them to be. And sometimes I'd like to just "get off" without the obligation to satisfy my partner. ( OK, obligation is not the right word but you know what I mean! )

But at the end of the day I love being with my partner. Porn and masturbation does not desensitize me from how he makes me feel. And I believe this is true for most men and women. 

Unfortantely there may be people out there that prefer pleasing themselves vs. pleasing (and being pleased) by their partner. I have been with this type of person too and it is an absolutely horrible feeling. It took me a long time to understand it wasn't me and it wasn't porn ---- but rather it was HIM.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> We're recovering, but internet porn, IMO, needs to be differentiated from mags and DVD's. In my opinion, it's like GNO or strip clubs or being 'just friends' with a member of the opposite sex. There is too much *temptation* there for some guys


Tempted by the ads? It's not that the content is really that different, or?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> Tempted by the ads? It's not that the content is really that different, or?


The pop ups, the chats, the links to hook up sites etc. etc. Yes they're ads for the most part, but some guys like my hubby can't resit the temptation when it's RIGHT THERE.

The few times I have taken a look at what's on the internet, there is almost always a chat window that pops into my face with what is supposed to be a real time woman exposing herself at me.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

OK, got it, there's a real potential for interactivity.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Very good post.

I never used to really have an opinion on the matter one way or another, to each his own sort of thing. Still feel that way.

I did learn a concept in marriage counselling, though.

The theory was to always go to your spouse. Every. single. time.

Off hand, that seemed, well, impossible, and surely wasn't a REAL request, was it??

But getting into the theory... if you walk that thru in your mind.... over TIME it is meant to train you to always go to your spouse. With your fantasies. With your desires. To find a way. To force you to open up about it.

Porn can be an easy way to just be quiet and satisfy your fantasies, in a way. The end result --- you are denying BOTH of you the opportunity to explore your FULL sexuality within your marriage. 
Are you giving your partner the full meal deal? 
Are you repressing your true sexuality, and saving that for your personal fantasy time? (and hiding it?)

I don't disagree with the use of porn in general. 
I disagree with hiding it, as I take that as hiding your true self from your partner.
What are you looking at? What turns you on? Why aren't you sharing that with your partner? 

No, I don't think there is any such thing as your own personal sex life. Unless you are in a non-committed arrangement. 

Yes, there is such a thing as needing a physical release, or not being able to be intimate with a partner.

But if you are healthy, have somewhat similar sex drives, then no I don't think you have the right to "do whatever you want with your body". 
Because it's not your BODY you are talking about here.
It's your MIND. 
There is no other body involved. It's all in your mind, you imagining yourself doing something, etc. Pretending. Fantasizing. 

And you are keeping that from your spouse. Which doesn't help you both, as a couple, to develop a sense of sexuality and trust, learning what you each like and dislike. Learning how to talk about these things with each other. 

It's just too convenient to cop out. And it's gotten to the point where it's pretty much sociable acceptable to keep your thoughts to yourself and have your own "second" sex life. 

Why do a lot of people get defensive about this?
I would bet it's because people don't give their spouse a chance.
It's more about not being open enough to share those fantasies.
Not even bothering to ask. 

Thinking you have the "right" to just share only part of yourself with your spouse, and save the rest as private. 

Isn't sex one of those things that defines a marriage? Isn't that the ONE thing that is supposed to be JUST between the two of you? 

What would YOUR marriage look like, if you made the mental decision to talk about all your desires with your partner? What if porn was banished tomorrow, and you couldn't get it? 

Your MIND would still take you where you wanted to go. And you might, just might, feel the urge to take things up a notch with your partner. Explore some of those mind trips in real life. 

But that's a lot of work. Thank goodness there IS porn. 
Instant gratification. That's the world we live in today.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> OK, got it, there's a real potential for interactivity.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> The pop ups, the chats, the links to hook up sites etc. etc. Yes they're ads for the most part, but some guys like my hubby can't resit the temptation when it's RIGHT THERE.
> 
> The few times I have taken a look at what's on the internet, there is almost always a chat window that pops into my face with what is supposed to be a real time woman exposing herself at me.


I hear what you are saying, Hope, and I understand. And I am not minimizing your thoughts or feelings about this at all. I do have to say, however, that not being able to resist temptation is not about what is tempting them but the person who is easily tempted. 

This time of year I am tempted by chocolate chip cookies and gingerbread men but I know that that temptation will be an issue come January when I can't get into my jeans. So, I resist. Is it difficult? Oh yeah! Is it tempting? Of course! But at the end of the day I was able to say no. 

Good luck to you and your boyfriend. I hope you both come to a mutually satisfying compromise! ;-)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> not being able to resist temptation is not about what is tempting them but the person who is easily tempted.


I know. It's all about willpower. And of course not everyone will give in to the temptation. Just like not everyone will cheat, or take the 'just friends' thing beyond 'just friends', or sleep with their wifes sister if she rents a room from them.

I really think, though, that more people, men AND women, should be aware of the potential that is available on the internet, that is not available with 'old style' porn if you will, and act accordingly. It's a distinction that is not usually made, and I think it's a bigger problem than many people think, too.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I hear what you are saying, Hope, and I understand. And I am not minimizing your thoughts or feelings about this at all. I do have to say, however, that not being able to resist temptation is not about what is tempting them but the person who is easily tempted.


When I masturbate, fantasize or look at porn, the last thing I want to do is communicate with someone else over it, or be concerned about someone else's feelings and needs. It's all about me and what I want. That's what makes it masturbation and not sex. It's also why I don't watch porn with my wife much anymore. I can't tell if I'm supposed to be masturbating or having a type of sex with my wife. It's just awkward. But we did it in the beginning and I think it was helpful because we both learned that we are turned on by the same things. 

Those popup things annoy me to no end and I never never clicked on one. At the same time, if everyone felt like I do then those links wouldn't be there.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> And finally, it was the internet porn that led to the demise of our relationship as we knew it.


You might be on to something here... When me and H started dating I asked if he had anything, he didn't. So we started a little collection of dvd's, maybe 4 or 5. We watched them together occassionally, I'm psoitive he watched them alone, it didn't really bother me. Then a couple of years ago a friend of ours walked in on my s son 12yrs at the comp with porn. I checked the history to see what was up and discovered H was also watching online. As the years go by it has become more frequent and now it bugs me. I will never ask him to stop though because I don't want to set him up for failure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

The only time I've felt threatened by porn was when my partner focused on a particular star for some time. It made me wonder why he is attracted to her and I kind of compared myself to her. Although it also reassured me in some way, as I've realized what attracts my partner in me when I compared myself to those stars.
With other porn stuffs, I don't really bother, as it's just random stimulation rather than anything important enough to worry.

But then would I really feel seriously threatened? Maybe only if his past favorite stars are in real person and does look pretty, but even so, there's something that those girls can't compete with me anyways - the special bond me and my partner shares together.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I know. It's all about willpower. And of course not everyone will give in to the temptation. Just like not everyone will cheat, or take the 'just friends' thing beyond 'just friends', or sleep with their wifes sister if she rents a room from them.
> 
> I really think, though, that more people, men AND women, should be aware of the potential that is available on the internet, that is not available with 'old style' porn if you will, and act accordingly. It's a distinction that is not usually made, and I think it's a bigger problem than many people think, too.


I agree with you on this Hope. SO and I have discussed live and interactive porn. For me that is crossing the line. Again it comes down to open, adult conversation though, we have discussed this issue so I feel comfortable that he understand me and I understand him.
My line is anything that can be seen as forming a bond with another person, so live chat or interactive porn is a no go for me.


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