# Betrayal, leaving with Stepchildren involved



## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hello. My fiancee and I have always had a great relationship overall, but I find myself in a dilemma and just need some advice.

We have always enjoyed a fantastic sex life, and have always watched a bit of porn together, and he's been open usually about watching it if I am away or something. I have never minded as it's been open between us and he always seems to opt for the "MILF" videos, which makes me feel OK and that he is attracted to women like myself.

The past few weeks have been a bad time for me, My son hasn't been well with anxiety and panic attacks (he has special needs and is 9). I have also had the flu (proper flu!) which makes you very ill and there have been a lot of problems in my family causing me great grief and to feel very low and depressed. 

I have still been managing through this to keep myself looking nice, shaving, putting on makeup, having sex with my fiancee at least 4 times a week and have tried through it all to continue to look after everyone in the family. the only difference is probably that we haven't been out, or had "date nights" and I have been going to bed earlier and spending a fair bit of time at night settling my poor son.

On Saturday night at 11.30pm I went to bed, and asked him to come with me as I needed a cuddle and was exhausted and felt he should probably turn in too so he could be up and about on Sunday to help with the kids. He said he really wanted to watch the end of the film. I showed I was annoyed, as over the past few weeks he has often not wanted to go to bed at the same time as me, and with kids and times of stress and sadness this is an intimate time for us to share. I came back down for a drink 20 minutes later and saw him close the internet window very quickly.

I assumed he was watching porn, and instantly felt very upset, as he had lied about it and rejected my request for a cuddle in bed.

He said he had been checking lottery results. I persevered, and said I didn't believe him, after which he continued to deny it. Even making me feel guilty for lack of trust. The way he lied was astonishing. He was soooooo convincing!!!

Although I have never checked up on him before, I did this time because I just had a bad feeling, and it turned out he'd lied. I was very upset (mostly over the bald faced lying) and he begged me to forgive him, told me he hadn't watched porn in ages, and said he had no idea why he was so insensitive that night and he realised it was wrong not to be there for me in such a bad time when I asked for him. He swore he would never, ever lie to me again.

I forgave and forgot, but today on a hunch, I checked the internet history and it turns out, during the last month, when he has been up "working late", and rejecting my invitations to bed, he has been looking at porn pretty much every 3 days. Often coming upstairs and having sex with me afterwards. Sometimes coming up to say he was "too tired" for sex after working.

He had a history of lying and cheating with his ex wife and promised me this would be a fresh start and that it was because she had never wanted sex and was prudish. I feel so betrayed. I have never had a problem with porn, and the fact that he had to lie to watch it takes away all the trust between us.

More than that, I feel all my self esteem has gone (most of what he's been watching is teens - 20 years younger than me) and I just want to leave him and get away.

The problem is that we live hundreds of miles away from any friends or family (I relocated with HIS job) and my son loves his school and adores his Stepdad. My son also has special needs and has been having anxiety attacks lately and problems sleeping. I am so scared of hurting my little boy.

My son also loves his Stepbrother, who also lives with us.

It hurts so much that this man who promised to honour me, who said I was his Princess, who SWORE he would never lie to me, has been here, watching naked little girls while I am upstairs dealing with my sick son, or with a 103 temperature feeling lonely and he has been lying over and over again.

Am I over-reacting? I feel like I don't know him anymore. I feel like nothing he has ever said is true. I doubt I could ever trust him again.

How do you deal with breaking up step families? I feel like losing his brother and "Dad" will devastate my son, but the alternative is to stay with a man who I no longer respect, no longer feel love towards, in a place a million miles from my friends and family.

Please help.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sorry for all the things you are dealing with now. It seems like you have way too much on your plate but yet you are pressing through. That is admirable. 

I am confused though - are you married or engaged to be married? The reference to Stepdad Step families threw me but you called your SO your fiance and not husband. 

I know you probably don't want to hear this but if you are not married that is the danger of blending children together before the commitment has taken place. Now if you and your fiance split and you get into another relationship I hope you will think twice before introducing your son to another "dad" before you are married. 

To further complicate matters is the porn issue. You should search this site and see how often it has come between couples. Too often it starts off as "just a little porn" and then one of the partners gets addicted and the couple can no longer bond. 

If you're not married then I don't see the point of continuing the relationship as you already have serious issues. Put that energy into your son and your family. 

JMHO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Sorry, we are engaged but live together with our children.

I am not prudish about porn. It is only because these were my worst times, and I wanted a cuddle, and instead of being there from me he withdrew and made me feel like he only wants me in good times. 

I also don't see the point in continuing the relationship. Thanks for the confirmation.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Sorry, can I also say, that I do agree with what you have said regarding step families. My son is 9, and his Dad was never part of his life.

I came into this relationship when my son was 7, after 7 years of being single. Not even a date for 7 years, so please believe that I have always put my child first. I just believed this was "it" and thought we would be together forever. He proposed, and when he had a job transfer, I moved with him and we became a family.

Looking back of course I regret it, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't think the best thing for my son was to be alone forever, and I though I had found someone perfectly honest, who adored both of us.

I am so shocked by all this. I thought he would never be this way. Naive, of course.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

You know, I'm a bit torn about this. I agree with a lot of what committed4ever said above. But let me ask you this --- 

Has your fiance been under an increased amount of stress lately? Could it be that him ramping up his porn use is a way for him to escape real life and he just has to do it more often? 

Now, don't get me wrong, because I think that him not being there for you that night and the weeks proceeding was not a nice thing to do. It was insensitive to your feelings. And the lying is just downright disrespectful. But to chuck it all because of that may be hasty. He is taking responsibility for doing you wrong and he is owning up to his mistake so that is a plus in his column. BUT he needs to earn your trust and respect back. He needs to step up to the plate. Are you willing to give him that opportunity? If he fails then you are right back to where you are today but if he succeeds then you will be able to keep a loving family in tact. 

Good luck.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes, he has been under a lot of stress Irish, and the internet history say the past month has been the only time he has done it. Does porn help relieve stress for men? I only watch it when I am horny, and never covertly. I always just tell him. I think he was ashamed because he did it at times when he knew I needed him, and he realises this was a betrayal.

Thing is, if he'd come up and said "feeling stressed, been watching some porn to relieve the pain" I'd have hugged him and been fine.

It's the lying and sneaking. 

Yes, he took responsibility for doing wrong in lying, but then he did also say it had not happened before and I found out this was a big fat lie too, which brings into question to sincerity of his apology.

Our relationship has always been so close. He tells me the most intimate things, and confesses everything. I feel trust is broken. Can you repair broken trust?

Here I am looking at internet history. I never thought that would be me!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Hmmm, can you repair broken trust? Unfortantely the answer it not simple. All I can say is... It depends. It depends on how much effort he will put into it. He will need to do the heavy lifting but you need to be open to the idea that he can change. If you are so cut off from ever trusting him again then, no, it can't put the peices back together. 

And constantly looking over his shoulder and looking at internet history or verifying information he has told you is going to exhaust anyone emotionally. We shouldn't have to become fact checkers in relationships. I'm sure you resent it very much. 

The good news is that you don't have to make a decision right away. See what happens over the next few weeks or months. Sadly your new normal is not going to include blind trust and you'll no longer be able to trust the fact that he is being open and honest with you. 

You need to come up with a list of boundaries and if he violates those boundaries then he is not committed to helping you heal. 

Now, as far as porn and stress? Yes, I believe porn does help relieve stress. And it also provides a way to get what I need (orgasm) without the added stress - or responsibility- of pleasing someone else. Selfish? Yup, it is. Something I am working on. 

Most people lie or lie by omission because they know they are doing something the other person may not like. This can go back as far as someone's childhood. It gets so ingrained into one's behavior. Your husband may not believe that if he tells you the truth that he won't suffer any consequences based on just your say so. Therefore you have to prove that to him over and over and over again. But on the flip side when he does lie and you catch him, there must be consequences. It'll be up to you to determine what those will be. 

It's like training an animal. Consistency and persistence will pay off. But it takes two to make it work.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks Irish. That's something to take away and think long and hard about. It's impossible to be hasty where kids are involved.

What you say about it being ingrained makes sense. He had a marriage before where they only had sex once a month, and she was extremely prudish. I think he definitely got into a bad habit of living a double life.

It's something I never experienced before....being unable to just pack a bag and go. Having a kid involved makes everything much harder.

If not for him, I'd have packed this morning and left.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

sarajane231 said:


> He had a history of lying and cheating with his ex wife and promised me this would be a fresh start and that it was because she had never wanted sex and was prudish. I feel so betrayed.


So he is a liar and a cheater who rationalized his behavior by putting the blame on his ex? You guys aren't even married yet. It seems like the lying really bothers you, wait till the cheating starts...


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Now you say it like that....


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Can anyone tell me what level of trust they have in their partner, or what is "normal" or healthy?

Say, in a percentage value, how much do you believe they will always be there for you? How much do you believe they would never lie to you about anything of significance? How sure are you they would never cheat if they had the opportunity? I know no one can ever feel completely certain of these things, but if I am starting back at zero, I don't know what level I need to build back up to.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I would be like you Sarajane. i wouldn't be able to forgive this as to me it's a huge red flag, and you are not even married yet.

I trust my fiance 100% and it's very very important to me. I cannot even stress how much.

This guy has a history of lying and cheating and LV is right, he has justified his lying and cheating, rather then take responsibility for it.

To me this guy is not trustworthy.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sara Jane, this script need to be flipped. You don't need to be spending all your time worrying about how you can fix this. HE needs to be doing that! I recently put myself in a position in my marriage where my H had to put into question his trust of me. TAM was great for me to whine vent and moan about how it really sucked but after my H and I had discussed it to the max, it is now all about him and how I can make him feel he can trust me again at the same level. Even though I am still feeling the effects of it that's on me and I don't even want him to be worrying about my feelings at this point. 

So that's what your Man need to be doing. He need to be making you feel like the pros of staying in the relationship far outweigh the cons. He needs to be showing you that he is truly marriage material. And of course you're going to still have your doubts but those doubts are a result of HIS actions not yours. 

Whatever baggage he has from his ex should be a red flag to you and not an excuse for his behavior. 

And has he put a ring on it yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi committed, yes, I have a lovely ring. His response now is that he acknowledges that he broke the trust between us, and is willing to do anything in order to repair it. I realise to a degree what he says is to be expected, but he was very upset. He cried for several hours, and was vomiting. I heard him vomiting in the shower this morning. That said, I obviously feel that regardless of what HE does, I have to find a way to make the choice to have faith in him. I am very slow to trust in the best of circumstances and don't know how easy this will be.

I was very angry yesterday, and this has settled now a bit. In the most part from realising that most men probably do look at porn, and in itself it is probably not such a big issue. Being deceptive obviously is. But I have put into perspective that this man is 99% good. Kind all the time. So generous with his time and very selfless in a lot of ways. He's always a good friend. Always supportive. Always listens. He is an amazing stepfather and treats my son like his own. If I have a bad day and call him, he'd ditch work to come home. It's a good relationship.

I read back on a lot of this and think perhaps my post was a little unfair in the ways I describe his history. I don't think it is the classic case of "my wife doesn't understand me". I've known this man for 25 years. His ex-wife's best friend has been one of my best friends since I was 14, and she will even be a bridesmaid at OUR wedding, so I do know the truth of his history.

They married right out of school. Neither had been with anyone else. She quite literally was disgusted by sex. They had it once a month if she'd been drinking. The longest "dry spell" was 3 long years. She was disgusted by oral sex, or by sex in any position other than missionary, and if he made suggestions like this she would leave the bedroom crying.

I do therefore think she is at least partly to blame for the fact that he turned elsewhere for his needs. He didn't have affairs, he used porn, internet chat rooms and on 5 occasions in 16 years he had one night sex with other people.

He didn't leave her for me, which might be the assumption. She left him....she had an affair with the neighbour, who strangely was in his 60s. Maybe she has some issues. I don't know, but she is very,. very weird about sex stuff. 

Of course, I think he should have left the relationship rather than carrying on a double life of sorts behind her back...but at the same time, I can understand it and accept it.

The reason I thought he would never do this to ME is that we have a very healthy and open sex life, and unlike the previous relationship he has no need to lie to me.

Perhaps old habits are though hard to break. HE says he is sorry, and that it was only brief looks whilst on the internet for other things (which I confirmed by checking the time logs and full history) and he says it is only because I went to bed, he was stressed and not ready for sleep. He said lying was a reflex.

I'm extremely upset of course. I hate lying. HATE it. But at the same time I don't believe he is a bad man.

I think after realising how defensive I felt of him here that I do want to forgive him, and trust him again and make sure this never happens, but it will take a lot of thought on how to achieve that. I know the work is his, but the forgiveness has to come from me.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Possible porn addiction? I don't know much about it but if his porn watching habits come first before spending time with you & when confronted, he lies about it (denial) it might be something to consider.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I'm more worried about him having an ingrained habit of being untruthful instead of "taking it like a man".

The more I think about the porn aspect, the less significant it actually seems. It was over a short period of time, when I was "not around" and it seems like a relatively normal thing for a man to do.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

"I realise to a degree what he says is to be expected, but he was very upset. He cried for several hours, and was vomiting. I heard him vomiting in the shower this morning."

You shouldn't be moved by it. He need to suck it up and start lifting. 

But I understand how sometime in a post we can portray someone in a post and then look back and say "wait a minute! I've painted a horrible picture of someone who is not THAT horrible"

Still too many red flags for marriage but you know him better than all of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sarajane, since he said he'd do anything to make it up to you, would you consider asking him to see a counselor? 

I am going to put down what I see, and it could be way off base, but you'll have to decide that for yourself.

You're engaged to a man who is turning down sex with you in favor of porn. By itself, this is not really that big a deal since it has only been recently that the matter came up. As someone else said, sometimes men can turn to porn for stress relief. It's easier and less mentally taxing to "rub one off" so to speak than to seduce and pay attention to another person. 

However, some of the other details you've added concern me. 

His ex sounds like she had some serious issues related to childhood sex abuse. Her affair being with a much older man is one signal. The very long periods without intimacy with her husband is another. The fact that she had an affair at all if she was so anti-sex is a third one.

The guy she married (your fiance) is someone who reportedly has a history of being deceitful, who turns to pornography for whatever reason, and whose choice of pornography is of the teen variety. I assume your fiance is your age, which also means 20 years or so older than what he's watching. 

I hope you'll take time to evaluate if there is ANY risk that he could be likely to turn to children at times of stress, too. I highlight some things to watch for in my article on protecting children from predators.

Although it's hard to consider this as a possibility, especially with someone we feel we know well and who is genuinely a nice person (as many predators actually are), I hope you'll take time to evaluate just how much or how little risk might be present from his porn use and deception.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks committed. 

Kathy, he actually suggested a counsellor last night himself, and asked me this morning if I would call one. I think he was very scared he'd come home today and find me gone so he's searching for ways to work through it and go back to where we were.

I did consider myself there may be some reason for his ex wife's distaste for sex, but I am told there are some women who just don't like it. She certainly seems well balanced, is a nice woman, regularly pops in for coffee or a glass of wine with me. Beyond that, it's not my business really. She and he are best friends and we socialise with her and her new man.

NO, I do not think there is any possibility whatsoever my fiancee is interested in children!!!! I think it's an incredibly big leap to think for a second that someone who watches teen porn is a child molester. If that were the case half the men in the world would be. If you go to any one of these sites 50% are of the "teen variety" and they seem to be the most viewed. In any case, that was not exclusively what he was watching. It was 70%. The other 30% was older women. The only reason I found it so annoying that the majority was teens, ifs that when we watch together he doesn't show any preference for this. Perhaps this is out of trying not to make me feel insecure. I don't know.

For me the only flag that raises is that he thinks I am getting old. Which might be an insecurity for me as I pass my middle thirties.

He's not a sicko, or a pervert. Not by anyone's standards!!!

*EDIT: Extra info*

To clarify Kathy, I felt I needed to add detail to this as I was so genuinely horrified by the suggestion there.

1. I went over 2 years history on the internet and this has ONLY happened in the last 30 days.

2. I looked at all the videos, and it's been all "run of the mill" in it's quality (threesomes etc.! pretty standard male fodder) with nothing kinky or weird involved that might worry me. 

3. He's used one very mainstream website, the one everyone I know uses, and we're talking less than a minute on each video, usually those voted "video of the day" indicating he's flicking through rather than being obsessive about it.

4. It is not exclusively teenage in it's nature, 30% is older women. He says the reason it is 70% teenagers is that they are most common on the page and he personally has no preference for age / hair colour or anything else in these videos -aside from being a fan of big boobs.

4. The ladies in the videos certainly didn't look like teenagers - the video makers might have been stretching the truth there. Some of them looked on the rough end of 30 actually! They are all "big boobs" without fail, so DEFINITELY nothing childlike.

My annoyance at "teens" featuring heavily in his selection is that it made me feel like I was too old for him. I found my first grey hairs recently and it's a source of worry for me that I am growing old.

He is the least likely person to be a sexual predator that I have ever met. 

I felt strongly I had to post this as it horrified me to see a suggestion like that posted about him on the internet, and it actually made me regret making this post.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Once a liar and cheater always a... I hope you didn't think that your love could change him. It's a character thing and usually adults don't change their ways without a life and death event to trigger them. 

His use of porn seems pretty standard. By the way you apparently aren't familiar with the Private Browsing option. It allows the browser history to go unrecorded. You really can't say how much he does this. Does he have a smart phone as well? It sounded like you expected your husband to come and cuddle with you when you were sick. If so that might be a unrealistic expectation. Also don't mistake his use of porn for a lack of love or attraction. Men are programmed for variety and porn simply satifies that need.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't think that's true. I lied and cheated in my 20s...but changed. I'd never do it now. Nothing is missing in my relationship, so there's no need to.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

I stopped reading once you started making excuses for his behavior. You know what you have. A liar, a cheater, and of course, you think he won't ever do it to you. 

But he did.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't make excuses for anyone's behaviour. I just speak as I find, and I personally do not believe the cliche's "once a cheater always a cheater" as I've experienced both being one and not being one myself. People learn, people grown. People have bad relationships and then find good ones. 

Common logic tells me that if a man's wife doesn't have sex with him for 3 years, he has a good chance of cheating on her. I think if I were the kind of person who assumed that man is a serial cheater on that basis, I'd be being pretty unfair.

For those of you who think what you think, that's fine. On a thread about marriage and relationships I came here for reassurance that I was over-reacting, and probably ended up getting the opposite.

That said, I spent time thinking, I consulted with people in my real life, people who know us both, and all of those people felt I had over-reacted and that he did what probably a lot of guys do and panicked in the moment. Not something to break up a family over.

If he cheats on me, or lies to me again and I DO have to leave him...then so be it, but it would be a damn shame for us and our children to end what is essentially an incredibly happy relationship without a first class reason.

Thanks to you all for your responses. Wish you all well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is there another source for the previous "sexless" marriage he had or is that information coming from him?

He's turning you down for porn? There are stories on here about situations like that. Perhaps you should read them. Annie Ash's story comes to mind. She had an EA because of it.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have known his ex wife for 20 years. She and I were in the same group of friends as kids. I have heard the story from him directly, as well as from two very close mutual friends. She simply stopped having sex after a few years being married. It's been implied to me by others that she was in love with someone else the entire time. 

When I heard the story, I felt pretty sorry for him. To be honest, my view was always pretty impressed that he stayed in the situation for so long. Not just without sex, but without even a hug or a kiss on the cheek. 

Rather than judge him for having a few one night stands, I really just understood the man was literally desperate for human contact or affection of any kind. 

The only thing about the whole thing was that he'd been able to lie to her. His response was that he had tried everything. Been to counselling, she called it off. Tried to romance her in every way possible and she brushed him off. He said he couldn't bring himself to leave her because he loved her. 

He should have just left her, but he didn't. Does that make him a scumbag? Not in my eyes, but maybe for others. He had no reason to tell me all this stuff, and no one else knows he ever cheated. I think he wanted to be open and honest with me.

He turned me down for porn once. But as I said, I had the flu at the time and maybe an invitation to bed was perceived as an invitation to sleep. Yes, over a month I went to bed before him a lot, but I was sick. I guess I am not that annoyed if he watched some porn for a little while before bed, but I am annoyed that he pretended he didn't.

I don't like lies, but it has been explained to me by friends that I trust very much that people do sometimes lie when they are caught on the fly over something they find embarrassing. Does that mean he would lie to me about something big or cheat on me?

I really don't know.

But I choose to give him that chance. Reading a lot of the stuff written on here made me realise "hey, that's not him" and it clarified for me what a good guy he is.

Maybe that's something you all don't believe, but a person is more than a moment. They are a million moments.

I still think (despite cheating) that he was a loyal husband to his ex wife. He would have done anything to have her, and given the choice he would have far rather have been having sex with her than someone else. He still treats her like a best friend, and I've never seen him be cruel to anyone.


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