# Need Help: May be the last straw



## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We’re 30. Our sex life was not great the first year, and terrible the last 3 years. Frequency is about once every 2-4 months, and that is if I beg. She wants it over with quick when it does. Her explanation is that she just doesn’t have any desire. She used to watch adult videos online for 30-45 minutes ahead of time to get in the mood, but she hasn’t even tried that for about 2 years. When I ask for sex now after waiting as long as I can holdout, I hear “seriously? now? Uhhh, fine”. She usually agrees, but half the time I say forget it because it makes me feel like crap. So that’s the history. We have a 2 y/o daughter that I couldn’t love more. 

Here is what may be my final straw. I’ve been battling an undiagnosed pelvic pain syndrome for a year and a ½. Long story short, extreme pain in the urethra, prostate, perineal area, etc. Sex makes the pain drastically increase. This frustrating condition has driven me crazy for a year, and I’ve been battling to keep my sanity. 

Yesterday I was scheduled to have an injection to alleviate the pain. I had to make myself as symptomatic as possible going into the injection to know if it worked. I had to leave for the injection at 3:15, and my wife got home at 2:30. My exact words: “Hon, I need to have sex before this procedure to know if it works. Are you interested in helping me (said with a smile and an eyebrow raise.” Exact response: “What do you mean? How would you do it if I wasn’t.” I said I would have to do it myself. I then said that I would be in the bedroom. I sat for 20 minutes reading and waiting. At 3:05, I finally gave up and took care of it myself. She came in about ½ way through and said “oh, guess you don’t need me now(smile in her voice)”.
I don’t know if I’m pissed, crushed, upset, disgusted, or what. I need to know if I’m overreacting. 

I have presented the exact facts because if I was wrong to be hurt and embarrassed, I want to hear that so I don’t resent her. 

Any help/advice/insight much appreciated. I really have reached the end of my rope.


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## OrinTyie (Oct 7, 2008)

Couples therapy now. It was too late for my marriage but I found great insight in a book called "Five Languages of Love".


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## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

Thanks for all the replies. 

Hunt, you're way off, so let me explain. I don't mind masturbating when she isn't in the mood, she's not home, etc.; no issue or hard feelings with that. I explicitly told her that I preferred her comfort to my own hand. I didn't "stick my head out" because I'm sick of asking and getting turned down, and when agreed to, it feeling like a chore. You're correct that I knew how the request would be met; nothing I can say about that. She'll agree about every 2-3 times I ask, so you're correct, I didn't expect anything. To suggest that I was trying to trap her or find a "moral high-ground" misses the mark. Completely not my intention.

Part of me hopes the physiologic problem doesn't get better so that it kills my sex drive. 

As for the history, she has anxiety issues and takes zoloft, which decreases sex drive, and we're both aware of that. She has been off the meds for up to 6-8 months in the past and the sex drive does not improve. She is not willing to speak to her physician about different meds, and won't try new things to get her into it a little more (overnight spa, toys, movies, role-playing, spontaneity, etc.).

About every 1-2 months, I finally break down and explicitly ask for sex. This is after weeks of casual suggestions, overt comments like "god I love the way your look in those", etc. When she agrees, we have a conversation after. Her explanation is "I don't want sex, I don't get anything out of it, I just do it to make you happy." Direct quote.

I really appreciate her trying to make me happy. I've tried to suggest that maybe she can at least act like she's somewhat into it, but that doesn't work. We haven't had an unplanned, mutual, loving, caring encounter in 2 or 3 years. 

During the episode every 1-2 months, I tell myself that I'm ok with her simply submitting to sex, that I can "get by" on that without being anywhere near satisfied about it, and that I love every other part of her an our relationship. I guess subconsiously I have been expecting to eventually see an improvement. 

I don't expect it to happen in months, but after 3-4 years, I'm starting to think that it will never change. I don't know how I would feel if I were told things would never improve with the intimate part of our relationship. I keep hoping my sex drive will diminish, but no luck so far. I've offered to do or try absolutely anything she thinks will help. She doesn't "see it as a problem for (her), and why isn't it good enough that I get it when I ask. 

My biggest problem is the unidirectional nature of our intimacy. I don't think I'm the type of person who can get by never being desired or enjoyed, just tolerated. 

Again, I really appreciate the feedback. I have no one to talk to about this, so just putting fingers to keys helps a bit. I'd like to think that there is something out there that will help us, but I feel like nothing is.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Two different issues here.

First, the lack of sex in the marriage... yeah, get to a counselor. or a doctor to discuss the meds situation.

Second, her not helping with your pre-injection sex. Come on, what you wanted was a prostitute... someone to come in without feeling or foreplay, and have sex with you. You tell her, 45 minutes before you need to leave (as opposed to maybe asking her the day before) and right after she got home (from where? work? Thanks for your consideration) that you need sex. then, apparently without discussion, you head for the bedroom waiting for her.

I'm going to take a wild guess that the reason for lack of sex over the past few years has more to do with your attitude.


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## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Two different issues here.
> 
> First, the lack of sex in the marriage... yeah, get to a counselor. or a doctor to discuss the meds situation.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

Ok hunt, i think i get your message. I probably recoiled at the choice of words. 

I think u both are probably right. I posted the facts so I could be put in my place if I was wrong. I didn't come here for validation. 

The good thing is that I didn't yell or complian at all yesterday to her; knew i was too pissed to make it productive. 

I
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

despondet said:


> Ok hunt, i think i get your message. I probably recoiled at the choice of words.
> 
> I think u both are probably right. I posted the facts so I could be put in my place if I was wrong. I didn't come here for validation.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Can you mentally deal with any more lessons today? Or are you overwhelmed with all this learning?

The following quotes are a very telling story.........



despondet said:


> Frequency is about once every 2-4 months, and that is if I beg. She wants it over with quick when it does.





despondet said:


> She used to watch adult videos online for 30-45 minutes ahead of time to get in the mood, but she hasn’t even tried that for about 2 years.





despondet said:


> When I ask for sex now after waiting as long as I can holdout





despondet said:


> “Hon, I need to have sex before this procedure to know if it works. Are you interested in helping me (said with a smile and an eyebrow raise.”


........that you need to learn how to please your wife. She doesn't want sex because she gets nothing out of it. You make it clear it is for you and she is your object. No woman likes feeling that way. You came here looking for absolution, and you can find many websites that teach a man how to make love to his woman. When you decide to start being a considerate lover, your wife will want to have sex more often.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well ... you've had more than a few sticks, wanna carrot?

Man Up Books

Can't go wrong with "No More Mr. Nice Guy" as a starter.


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## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

On the recent issue i was wrong. This was truly tue first time i got negative about denial. 

As for the long term issue, i still don't know what to do. I've tried building her self esteem, making extra effort to do things she likes, talked about when there wasn't a recent problem, explained to her why i am frustrated only being intimate 5-10 times / year, tell her that i don't want an orgasm but want intimacy with her.

That is 100% true. Iwould love nothing more than to give her mind-blowing sex, regardless of what it does for me. 

Every time, the cycle repeats: she says she can't control it, i should be happy that she is occasionally willing, and that sex just isn't important to her. We have sex, get it overwith asap, and i dread the next time i have a need and have to ask. Sick of always initiating for the past 4 years. 

As for knowing how to please, thats not it. I care more about her experience than mine. There is no way to convince anyone of this, so lets just leave that point alone. 
Again, thanks for listening and responding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I didn't read the thread before responding and can't believe how right I was.



despondet said:


> Her explanation is "I don't want sex, I don't get anything out of it


but........



despondet said:


> As for knowing how to please, thats not it. I care more about her experience than mine. There is no way to convince anyone of this, so lets just leave that point alone.


I don't know how it works both ways and why you suggest she is lying, but okay whatever you say.



Hunt Brown said:


> you need to look up hubris and see if your picture is beside the definition. it should be.


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## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

Hunt, not sure why you assume to know anything besides the info supplied. The self esteem issue came from "i don't feel good about myself. I'm overweight and get nothing but crap from my job." neither of these statements are accurate, which relates to her anxiety and rumination problems. 

Any constructive suggestions out there? Any conversations I can start or action i can take? I'm here because i want help from someone with actual knowledge or experience. Seriously, i get my mistake. Can i hear something helpful or is this forum here to make suppositions and personal attacks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Any input you get is generally going to be colored by the experiences of the respondent. Keep that in mind. 

Very few people are here because they are in, were in, wonderfully balanced, healthy, loving relationships.

If you can get your head around any one thing ... and it is almost universally the one thing that we _don't_ get our head's around the first time we hear it is this:

We come here looking for ways to change our partner - and that is something we simply cannot do. We can only change ourselves, and how we choose to respond to our partner.

So the key is, although it sounds new agey and smarmy, is to work on yourself to accomplish one of two objectives:

1. Work on yourself to cultivate the qualities that rekindles your attraction to one another.

2. Work on yourself so that you can reasonably look at your relationship and decide that it's time to move on.

You win either way. But first you need to see it, then you need to do it.


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## despondet (Jul 30, 2010)

Ok, now we're getting somewhere. Thanks for the last 2 replies.

We talked last night, and I sincerely apologized for my behavior a few days ago. We also discussed at length the larger problem. 

You're right, she feels that sex isn't necessary for intimacy. She will say Ok every time I ask for sex. There is nothing that I do or no quality I have that makes her not want sex. She understands that I'm frustrated and sees how hurt I am by the lack of what I consider to be ONE form of intimacy. She keeps asking what I want her to do about it, even offering to stop her meds. I immediately said no to that because her happiness and health far outweigh any need I have. 

We left it here: she'll agree any time I ask, she won't sigh or roll her eyes, and she might even try to initiate once in awhile (believe that when I see it; promised that before).)

She asked if I was going to leave her over this and if I still loved her. My answer was that I would have left years ago if that were the case. It would be much easier to have a mistress or just leave, because this is really a big deal for me. That's not a possibility. I love my wife and don't want anyone else. I just want this one problem to go away. 

After all that, I still feel like this: I don't want to ask for sex unless I'm desperate because in the back of my mind I know she isn't in to it, I'll to get it over with as quickly as possible, and go as long as I can without asking. I'm still stuck knowing that she will never truly want to have sex, we'll have a one-way sex life without the possibility of fun or adventure or trying new things. Its to meet my biologic need and nothing else. 

Wish there was a switch I could flip inside me to make me ok with that. I have a bad feeling that this will repeat itself in a few months and we'll have the same conversation.

Does anyone think counseling could really help? We're both willing but really don't want to. I think actually getting professional help is a big, scary step and makes us feel like we're just trying to stave off divorce, which is not where we're at. 

Again, thank for any thoughts. The last few really helped me see how my actions looked from outside myself. I really am trying to fix this; I'm past assigning blame and not looking for validation, just maybe a little commiseration : )


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

FYI... Despondet,

Hunt may not be WAY off, however please think long and hard about this: May not be about her meeting your expectations but you meeting hers. I've been here. You yes YOU can make it better. You're both young and at a point in life and in marriage that almost everyone goes through. 
Once you have a baby, more changes for the lady than for the man. I mean just look at all the stuff they go through bodily, through pregnancy. At pregnancy and for the rest of their lilves, nothing is the same. Not sayin anything negative about kids but your wife's freedom to do anything alone is pretty much forever lost. In addition to that, I "think" that in wive's minds, "things" change, they expect you to be different. We (men) typically DONT change. So we go about life with little unchanged and many times THEY feel responsible for the kid and family part of your family. 

Long way to arrive at:
Divorce, especially with a child is long and painful...dont kid yourself. So, you made a comittment, lets see how much you are willing to do to meet it. You've already endured come hardship, we got that. Now what are YOU going to do to try to improve it other than be clear you want sex. To me this means really examining your behavior. DO you help her? Do you take time with your kid so she can have some space? Do you assure her that even after pregnancy you find her very attractive? Do you buy her gifts now and again like you did when you were courting?

Someone mentioned the 5 love languages. While i find the book rather oversimplifying it is very useful, espescially in conveying the simple fact regarding what Hunt said and that is unspoken expectations of our spouse and even expectations that they will know what we want. You'd be suprised how well you can get along again if you get skilles at re-adjusting yourselves around each other as you mature and evolve. This is a never ending process in life. Nothing ends at "I do". Thats not a goal line. The goal line is mutual happiness and that pursuit never stops. Go in the bathroom satisfy yourself for a while and really think about your life together with your wife. Once you see that there is at least the possibility to do things different, talk to her either directly or through counseling to draw her out, teach her to commmunicate with you and you do the same. Acting out in anger or witholding sex in her case is not a method well understood. Im not suggesting that she conciously is witholding sex though maybe she is, but im guessing you dont feel like doing things for her at the moment right? This very well could be cause you're not doing something for her and she is upset and bewildered like you.. This is the marriage death spiral. 
In stead of continually removing love because you each are not getting what you want .... try communicatin about what it is you want and ADD love and loving things/gestures. Reversing the spiral is possible and when you arrive at a place (and continue to arrive) at a higher happier place, you'lll never be able to imagine having the thoughts you are now.

Sorry for making this so long....


good luck to you, wife and baby.


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