# After EA, I have to keep seeing the OM. How should i handle it?



## Candygirl (Feb 6, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I am married and I always believed that if you keep each other happy, that is your best protection from a third party. Well, I am very happy with my husband so I was blindsided when I suddenly fell in love with another man. It literally was love at first sight. 

I I met the OM 6 months ago and right from go he has paid me a lot of attention. I have loved it but it is upsetting my husband so I am going to stop it but not exactly sure how. 

OM is a stay at home dad and our daughters are best friends so it has been easy to spend time together. We have spent a lot of time together with the girls and no spouses. We have also been messaging each other, it quickly went from 50 to 100 to 200+ messages every month. 

OM has never tried to touch me, never said anything overtly flirtatious, never said anything sexual to me, never sits too close to me but there is always a lot of what I think is not-just-friends eye contact. He is a musician, he has twice sung love songs to me. I feel that if he is interested in me, he has been restrained and respectful. He does message me about the minutiae of his day but the messages themselves are innocuous enough for his wife or my husband to read.

I want to cut down the contact between us. Because he has never said anything openly I feel very embarrassed about the idea of having any kind of serious talk with him. But if I don't, I don't know how to just suddenly cut out all this messaging and hanging out. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want him to be wondering. I would talk to him if maybe there was a way of saying things that didn't require me admitting I had feelings for him or me saying anything about my husband being upset by our regular contact.

Our girls are 6 and they go to school together and adore each other. I want them to be able to keep playing together. And I will have to see OM at school every day for the foreseeable future, we both have a younger child who will start school next year. I also don't want to say anything that will make things weird between OM and my husband. I get along really well with OM's wife and I don't want to cause any friction there either.

So far, it's "just" been too much regular contact so I am hopeful I can nip this in the bud. I feel really attracted to him and don't actually want to give him up so please do call bull**** where you see it. I am trying not to be an idiot and delusional/in denial. I do love the attention but I love my husband too. I didn't know I could feel in love with two men at the same time. 

Brutal advice please.

Candy.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I remember a thread like this a few days ago that was suspiciously closed......


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Your whole situation is bull s##t.

You are heading to danger, too much about his feelings and what YOU don't want to give up.

Please hear me, your continued contact with the OM in your AFFAIR will eat at your marriage like a cancer.

You crossed the line emotionally and only full NC will save your marriage, you are betraying and DISRESPECTING your husband.

Cut ties, talk to your husband, and Gods sakes see a IC. No half measures, no compramises, and no betraying deals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Your whole situation is bull s##t.
> 
> You are heading to danger, too much about his feelings and what YOU don't want to give up.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You are already on the other side, dear. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear. You are enjoying OM's attention. This is the reason why you dont want to cut your feeling. If you respect yourself, your husband, your marriage and your family, STOP this affair.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

You are cheating your marriage out of it's true potential by giving so much effort to someone else. It doesn't occur to you that if you let this destroy your family you will spend your life finding new men at your first sign of boredom. History will repeat itself. Your marriage is boring due to your lack of effort. There is no easy way out. You found love with your husband so find it again. It takes effort. Besides another guy who is low enough to wreck a family is a man you don't want. Don't kid yourself about what this guy wants. He's not the person you think he is. Looks aren't permanent. Eventually we all get old then what do you have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah, really understandable, the whole reason you can't stop is because your girls friendship with his girl. BS, you know that is just a lie, or a convenient way to blame your poor little girl for staying in this EA. I'm trying to decide, are you a worse wife or mother. I guess it doesn't really matter. Remember, that you are cheating on your 6 year old's father. So you're cheating on her too.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You are definitely on the slippery slope and are already deep in an EA, it just hasn't progressed farther on down the line yet where he is making his move. But you say you're already in love with him, so your boundaries are down, and if he wanted to, he could bed you.

Do you see how you are rationalizing your reasons why you have to keep seeing your OM? Because of your 6 year old daughter? Seriously? Your daughter is very young, kids that age lose old friends and make new friends ALL THE TIME. They very easily get over it at that age because their attention span is much less than older children.

You say you are very happy with your husband, but if you keep on your current path, you WILL start to re-write the history of your marriage and start to rationalize why you're unhappy with him, especially if the OM starts returning your feelings openly. Why? Because you will find some way to deal with your guilt and that means starting to demonize your husband in your mind.

You want to know how to stop it? 


First you give your full disclosure to your husband about your feelings for the OM and your activities. I'm pretty sure your Betrayed Husband (BH) doesn't know the FULL EXTENT of your interactions with the OM. You have already damaged your marriage and inflicted emotional pain on your BH, he just doesn't know it yet. Seeing the pain that you have caused your BH and your family will help you realize the full extent of what you have done.
Next you WRITE A NO CONTACT (NC) letter in front of your BH and send it to your OM detailing why you should have NC and why he should never contact you again.
Your BH is not going to trust you for a while, so you need to be fully transparent to him, which includes handing over any and all passwords to email and cell phone accounts. Being transparent in this way will help assure your BH that you are truly NC with the OM, and help to rebuild the trust you have destroyed.
Then you start either Marriage Counselling (MC) or Individual Counselling (IC) or both to find out why, *despite being happy in your marriage, you fell in love with an OM*. 
You need to raise your personal boundaries, because you easily fell in love with OM who simply paid you a lot of attention. Admit it, an OM paid you attention and you enjoyed it to the point of falling in love. If your personal boundaries were as they should be, you should have been able to simply "Say No" and shoot down any advances from an OM.

You need to take these steps *because as you admit, you have fallen in love with an OM*. There is no room for secrecy in a marriage. There is no room for a third party in any marriage. Otherwise you will soon make it a PA and your marriage and family will be destroyed.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Candygirl said:


> Well, I am very happy with my husband so I was blindsided when *I suddenly fell in love with another man*. It literally was *love at first sight*.


No such thing as love at first sight, especially if you are as happy in your marriage as you claim. Sorry, but you allowed this infatuation to go deeper.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

If you really need to say something, tell him the truth that you feel it is inappropriate for a married woman to have the amount of contact you are having and that you put your marriage first. But you don’t really need to say anything to the OM at all. Just stop the extra chats, become busy with other things. Find another person to talk to at or after school so that your time with him diminishes. You must NOT have any discussion with him about your feelings or his feelings. Knowing what the other person feels can change everything for the worse.

You should have a discussion with your husband and let him know that you have fallen in love with someone. This will be extremely hard but the disclosure needs to happen out of respect for you spouse. The chances are that he sees it already. This will enable you to be truthful to your husband and he can help you stay honest with yourself and your marriage. You then need to become transparent with your communications with your husband and you both can work through it as a couple by setting the appropriate boundaries for your marriage. 

There will be a lot of pain but you need to work through it putting your marriage first. I understand how it is and it hurts. I fell in love with someone else and have gone through what you are going through. We had a good marriage, I wasn’t looking for something else, it just happened. I then realized like you that it needed to be dealt with. The hardest thing I ever did was to let my wife know that I have feelings for someone else but we are working through it. In my case the kids were not impacted and they continue to spend time together. For you, I would recommend your husband be the interface for the play dates.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Which is more important to your daughter - her friend now or her parents together as a family ?

At this age friendships are very fluid and change. Next year in another class it will be other kids she is BFF with.

But you, you only have one shot at NOT further eroding your marriage with this OM. No doubt you ave already done damage to your relationship with your husband, now you are hiding behind a chid on why you can't do the right thing. So I call BS on your true motivation here.

You don't have to see the OM. You can easily not set up playmates for your daughter with them. Parents bow other parents off all the time. You can also not text with the OM. Stop replying, and have his number blocked. Have your husband do drop off or a another friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

What bothers me most about your story is the fact that you appear to care more about the OM's feelings than your husband's. It is clear that you understand right from wrong but you are trying to justify the reason you should take the wrong path. I find it interesting that some people are more worried about the OM or OW's feelings than the feelings of their spouse. Until you have been betrayed, cheated on and lied to you will never understand the pain that the BS feels. You know what you should do, the question is will you do it or will you act upon your selfish wants and needs and break the promises you made to your husband?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just stop messaging him, stop hanging out with him, when you have to see him just be polite cordial and get away as quick as you can.

He'll get the message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

meson said:


> If you really need to say something, tell him the truth that you feel it is inappropriate for a married woman to have the amount of contact you are having and that you put your marriage first. But you don’t really need to say anything to the OM at all. Just stop the extra chats, become busy with other things. Find another person to talk to at or after school so that your time with him diminishes. You must NOT have any discussion with him about your feelings or his feelings. Knowing what the other person feels can change everything for the worse.
> 
> You should have a discussion with your husband and let him know that you have fallen in love with someone. This will be extremely hard but the disclosure needs to happen out of respect for you spouse. The chances are that he sees it already. This will enable you to be truthful to your husband and he can help you stay honest with yourself and your marriage. You then need to become transparent with your communications with your husband and you both can work through it as a couple by setting the appropriate boundaries for your marriage.
> 
> There will be a lot of pain but you need to work through it putting your marriage first. I understand how it is and it hurts. I fell in love with someone else and have gone through what you are going through. We had a good marriage, I wasn’t looking for something else, it just happened. I then realized like you that it needed to be dealt with. The hardest thing I ever did was to let my wife know that I have feelings for someone else but we are working through it. In my case the kids were not impacted and they continue to spend time together. For you, I would recommend your husband be the interface for the play dates.


Why do people who cheat say "it just happened". It NEVER just happens. Its avoiding responsibility for your low personal boundaries. Theres a whole lot of steps taken before it happens. OM could have been shot down at any point. 

Example:


You meet OM. You allow OM to talk to you again instead of telling him you're a married woman and you're not interested. 
You exchange numbers with OM or call OM instead of saying NO. 
You start calling OM or start exchanging text messages instead of saying NO. 
You start talking about unappropriate things or start flirting with each other instead of saying NO

And the list goes on and on. There IS a progression to this. Its called courting, whether you want to admit it or not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

OP you are using your child's friendship as an excuse to carry on the EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Who cares about the OM's feelings? Are they more important than preventing the destruction of your life and the lives of your child and your husband?*.

Purchase and read *Not Just Friends* by Dr Shirley Glass PhD. It will open your eyes that what you are experiencing is not unique or special but the simply the dynamics of crossing marital boundaries and their consequences.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was doing this? You are so disrespecting your husband and marriage. You really are quite foolish.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good for you for recognizing that this is a problem. Your infatuation is a fantasy. The best course would be to send your daughter to another school so that you never see this man again. If that is not possible, try dropping her off at different times. Once you cut off all contact, the fantasy will fade, and you both can focus your romantic energy on your spouses.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

If you were truly concerned about your daughter keeping her friend you wouldn't have entered an EA with her friends father. Being in the fog, you may not realize it now, but you're simply making excuses to hold on to your affair partner. 

Suppose you continue this affair with the excuse that your daughter needs to keep her friend. In the long run, she's likely to suffer with one or two parents being in a deep depression, divorce, and losing her friend after bonding for a more significant period of time (affairs partners rarely stay together). If you stop seeing your affair partner and your child loses a friend now, in the long run she'll be left with fond memories of the little girl she used to play with. There will be short term upset, but that's a part of growing up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Why do people who cheat say "it just happened". It NEVER just happens. Its avoiding responsibility for your low personal boundaries. Theres a whole lot of steps taken before it happens. OM could have been shot down at any point.
> 
> Example:
> 
> ...


And you say this because it has not happened to you. The “it just happened” part of it is the brain chemical explosion that occurs. It’s that good feeling that you get which you might not even be aware of it at first and its tug on you. There are those who are not looking for an affair but yet through benign contact become love addicted.

I can’t speak for the OP but in my case your example is not applicable. The underlying assumption your example makes is that there is pursuit for an affair for which a boundary would prevent. The problem is that it is like slipping into a black hole. You can’t see the point of no return and being too close and far away is very similar in behavior. And you can’t get far enough away to avoid it completely. 

In my case the OW and I had legitimate contact through kid activities. Both of our spouses knew about it and were fine with it. I agree with you that there is a progression, the escalation of contact to a point of no return. (Entropy3000 has some good examples of the progression.) Where I don’t agree with you is that every contact is an implicit escalation with intent to pursue until it’s an affair. What you say implies that we should not have any contact with the opposite sex because of this. However it is just impractical to have no contact with the opposite sex completely in today’s world and workplace.

The fact is that even appropriate contact can lead to being love addicted. The real test is what you do when you discover it. The OP knows she has gone too far and she is trying to deal with it.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Listen to all these people, and cut all ties. There is no way, NO WAY, you can continue as though nothing has happened, you are in love with him. If you haven't already, tell your husband everything.

This 'having' to see the OM is your excuse for the continuing behaviour, IMO.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

meson said:


> Where I don’t agree with you is that every contact is an implicit escalation with intent to pursue until it’s an affair. What you say implies that we should not have any contact with the opposite sex because of this. However it is just impractical to have no contact with the opposite sex completely in today’s world and workplace.


I beg to differ. I don't believe this is what lordmayhem was conveying with his comments.



> so I was blindsided when I suddenly fell in love with another man. *It literally was love at first sight*.


This indicates a visceral attraction on her part towards the OM from the get go. A huge red flag, a warning for her NOT to spend time with him alone. The fact that it didn't go PA was the presence of the children which helped anchored them to the reality that they were married to other people. That could change if the two of them decide to get together away by themselves away from the children.

I do believe that there are many women who fall under the false belief that if they are powerfully attracted to another man who isn't their husband, that they have me the man the were meant to be with, their 'soul mate' if you will. Candygirl may or may not be one of them, but she has to know that if she values herself, her husband, her child, and her marriage, then she has to cut all contact with this OM before she makes a bad choice that will bring tragic consequences to everybody and which cannot be undone.


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## spacemanSpiff (May 19, 2014)

I'm am almost in this exact same predicament except that I am the BH. My wife had and maybe still having an EA with a divorced OM who is a mutual friend and our 9 and 10 yro daughters are very close. This make a NC difficult. I have exposed him yesterday to members of his family with unknown effect (they could be as morally bankrupt as he). Considering telling our church pastor and her parents. 
DDay was five weeks ago. At first, I begged and pleaded, but after being on TAM, am considering some 180 tactics.
I love my wife, she used to be a very level headed person but has a single digit IQ when it comes to this guy. I am ready to let go of her if she remains the selfish person she has become. I am hoping through forgiveness and love the old level headed woman will come back to life.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

if you love your daughter, you will go NC with the "dad".

Cut him out of your life like you would cut out cancer from your daughter.

Have some respect for your H. 

Or you could tell him that you have decided on an open marriage and would like him to go first, but he had better hurry. (some sarcasm)

He is a stay at home dad. do not keep any secrets from your H about your feelings for the wonderful OM. 

If you do not stop, at least do this. before you cheat any further, divorce your H, do not have him pay alimony to you. split the child support. have joint custody of your daughter. split your assets 50/50. then cool things off with mr cheating OM. You are both cheating on your spouses. Go apologize to his wife. Then start off as a single mother. support your daughter, let your H find someone new that will not cheat on him. enjoy your new life.

Have a wonderful life. and your H will be in pain for many years to come. and he can thank you for your wonderful cheating and all the pain that he goes thru for years. and you did it to your daughter's father.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Zombie thread..... This belongs from the year 2012. Who knows what happend in the meantime.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gnaaaarrrrrraaaarrrgggghhhlllllluhhhbh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

why don't you come clean with your husband and the two of you can work on boundaries for you since you seem to allow other men to fill the emotional needs that should be for your husband.
You crossed the line you need to fix you this has nothing to do with your daughter or the OM this is about you, talk to your husband and find out if he even wants to stay with someone that has no boundaries with other men, this doesn't just happen you let it……….
YOu no one else, you are the problem you are not serious about your marriage or your daughter think about what would happen if your husband exposed to everyone what you were doing including your daughter……….
your life will be a living hell then.
your life will be ruined, and honey everyone gets caught your no one special……..your husband already probably suspects or is watching for proof………..
let your husband decide if he wants to be married to you


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