# I just can't let go of the past, and I have lost who I am



## missLA (Nov 10, 2010)

I just found this forum today. I have been reading some of theads until now I have a headache.LOL! I feel that maybe someone out there can help me, because, I am so in need of it.

I will try to explain my situation as short as possible.

I have been with my husband for 9 years We both have children 2 boys & 2 girls which only one lives with us ( 16 year old girl ). We met through work as project managers creating a new dept. We had a wonderful working relationship that turned in to love. We were able to work through a long distance romance in which I moved from California to Florida to be with him. In the beginning, everything was great, until 6 months into the relationship; he beat me. ( My daughter has never withness any of the fighting thank god ) I had never been beatten in my life by no man, which includes my dad, so I was stocked by the situation. Needless to say, I had him arrested and he was order to attend anger managment classes for a year. During that time, he was begging me not to leave, that he is a good man, and he will do right by me. Well, after the year probation was over, it happend again. Just so happend his sister was in town and withness the whole thing. I was okay from the fight, but I couldn't say the same about him, for he couldn't go to work for a week!
The physical abuse contiunued off and on for years with the fights starting from stress and drinking. I know that I should have left him along time ago but I stayed with him because I belived in him and I wanted to help him.
Finally, after the last big blow out ( which was a year ago ) I just couldn't take it any more. I left him and placed a restaining order against him. This move was a eye opener for he gave up drinking and now attends Church. The transformation has been amazing. After 2 months of separation, I retuned home.

Due to all of the physical / verbal abuse I 've indured I am now jaded, angry person. I fly off the handle at any and everything, thrown items at him etc... I know it is due to my inabliity of forgetting what has happend to me. I try and try, yet for the life of me I just can't do it. My husband has now become the man that I fallen in love with and I have become the awful person he used to be. He said that he understands why I feel the way I do, however, and will be patience with me, but he will not keep saying " I am sorry " everyday for the rest of his life. I love him and really want my marriage to work and I really need the help of someone in this forum who have gone through this and was able to make their marriage work.

Thank you for allowing me to share this painful situation. I will be patiently waiting for any assistance......


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I am so sorry you're going through this. I can imagine your pain. I also turned into an angry, bitter person a few months after living with my H. I wanted to get even with him so badly. I wanted him to know how much he hurt me and hurt him just as much. It was ugly for a few years. 

Eventually my anger exhausted itself. Over the years I realized getting even wasnt ever going to happen. I had to deal with the pain and I had to cope with the fact that my H would never be able to understand the pain he caused me. I had to deal with it alone. There was/is nothing I can do to change that. I really hated him for that a long time, too. But I have also coped with that aspect. I dont think there is any way of finding that out until you exhaust your own anger. It will happen because you dont like being this way. You have some emotional healing and learning to do which will take time, but your flare will die out. 

Once the anger did die down I was able to see that in many ways my anger towards him was masking my embarrassment and anger towards myself. I've also had to confront the person I am. Its an emotional journey into the heart of your soul. 

Good luck on your journey.


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## missLA (Nov 10, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I am so sorry you're going through this. I can imagine your pain. I also turned into an angry, bitter person a few months after living with my H. I wanted to get even with him so badly. I wanted him to know how much he hurt me and hurt him just as much. It was ugly for a few years.
> 
> Eventually my anger exhausted itself. Over the years I realized getting even wasnt ever going to happen. I had to deal with the pain and I had to cope with the fact that my H would never be able to understand the pain he caused me. I had to deal with it alone. There was/is nothing I can do to change that. I really hated him for that a long time, too. But I have also coped with that aspect. I dont think there is any way of finding that out until you exhaust your own anger. It will happen because you dont like being this way. You have some emotional healing and learning to do which will take time, but your flare will die out.
> 
> ...




Thank you for sharing your experience. I do have some emotional healing and I am seeking professional help. Hopefully that I can regain who I once was.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

missLA said:


> I just found this forum today. I have been reading some of theads until now I have a headache.LOL! I feel that maybe someone out there can help me, because, I am so in need of it.
> 
> I will try to explain my situation as short as possible.
> 
> ...


So actually you were both violent and he was the only one arrested.
I'm pretty sure you also initiated & picked up the fight with him and you continued doing it but he never gets you arrested for your verbal & physical abuse...


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Of course he's violent when you're insane and he lost his control. Now you keep doing it and picking up fights with him, knowing he's changed to a better person and he really doesn't want to fight with you anymore.
Pls stop driving him crazy!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh, that's great. Way to go! Guess you've never been either physically and/or emotionally abused or if you have been, you have this unique ability to just "get over it" and not have it affect you? Congrats to you but most members of the human race aren't as resilient. I sure hope you aren't a therapist or a parent or someone who has to care or feel for someone else...

Do you have to practice hard to kick someone when they are down or does it just come naturally? :slap:

MissLA, your feelings are quite natural and understandable. Being abused for years physically and the verbal/emotional abuse that goes along with it would turn MOST people ugly. You obviously have some really deepseated, unresolved issues that need to be addressed so that you can regain your former, happy self. It's understandable that you would be feeling insecure and scared that things will go back to what they were. 

What you really need is counseling and someone to help you work through your issues. What you DO NOT need a guilt trip thrown at you. 

Best of luck and try to think of good things and do not beat yourself up over this now that your husband has stopped doing so.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> Of course he's violent when you're insane and he lost his control. Now you keep doing it and picking up fights with him, knowing he's changed to a better person and he really doesn't want to fight with you anymore.
> Pls stop driving him crazy!


 That is probably the least helpful thing I have ever read on here. Sorry MsLonely, but it isn't her FAULT that her husband decided to beat her. 

I am glad that your husband was able to see the error of his ways, but its going to take you a while to be able to see past the red and get to a place where you are at peace. Have you talked about going to counseling together for communication skills? What I mean by that, is if you can learn to express the deep fears you have and learn to communicate calmly with each other, its quite possible you will both learn to stop being defensive toward one another.

I do hope that you can find some peace honey, I know its not easy.


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## missLA (Nov 10, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Of course he's violent when you're insane and he lost his control. Now you keep doing it and picking up fights with him, knowing he's changed to a better person and he really doesn't want to fight with you anymore.
> Pls stop driving him crazy!


MsLonely,

I think that you missed alot of my story. First of all, I didn't started any of our fights, they were started by my husband due to his inability to handle stress and problems that occur in our daily lives. He has been volltale in prior relastionships, and had be arrested before ( this information was given to me by his own family after the fact ) and when you add drinking to the mix and then you have problems. Of course I am going to defend my self against violence regardless and if he calls the police because of it, he would be the one going to jail.... And to adress the insane part of your comment it sounds like you are the crazy one to possible think that "due to me runnng him crazy" I deserve to be beatten, you have really lost your mind. I posted my story in order to find others that perhaps have gone through the same thing and was able to survive and saved their marriage. Your comments I find to be very funny and I though I don't know you feel sorry for you. 

As for the people that have posted positive information, I will take all of it and try to use the tools that you have suggested in order for me to save myself and hopefully save my marriage.. Thank you.


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## missLA (Nov 10, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Oh, that's great. Way to go! Guess you've never been either physically and/or emotionally abused or if you have been, you have this unique ability to just "get over it" and not have it affect you? Congrats to you but most members of the human race aren't as resilient. I sure hope you aren't a therapist or a parent or someone who has to care or feel for someone else...
> 
> Do you have to practice hard to kick someone when they are down or does it just come naturally? :slap:
> 
> ...


Thank you for the support that I was hoping to seek. I know that I need some serious conseling and have started that journey today. I will keep you abreast of my progress. Thank you again..


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## missLA (Nov 10, 2010)

DawnD said:


> That is probably the least helpful thing I have ever read on here. Sorry MsLonely, but it isn't her FAULT that her husband decided to beat her.
> 
> I am glad that your husband was able to see the error of his ways, but its going to take you a while to be able to see past the red and get to a place where you are at peace. Have you talked about going to counseling together for communication skills? What I mean by that, is if you can learn to express the deep fears you have and learn to communicate calmly with each other, its quite possible you will both learn to stop being defensive toward one another.
> 
> I do hope that you can find some peace honey, I know its not easy.


Thank you for your help. As for MsLonely, maybe her name say it best!!! Perhaps she has been through some tough times herself and she has some healing of her own that is needed.

I have taken the first step today in my healing process by seeking counseling. I hoping to gain the tools to allow me to let my past go, not feeling ashamed because what I have gone through and become the happy person that I once was.

I thank you for taking you time in helping me.. I will keep you abreast on my recovery..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

missLA said:


> and when you add drinking to the mix and then you have problems.


Tell me about it!  I'm in a similar situation except that my husband doesn't beat me. We'd always had problems but when he started drinking this past summer and piled on the most incredible amounts of verbal/mental/emotional abuse it made the crap I took from my parents when I was kid look downright benign. 

Then, when I've screamed bloody murder, cried myself to exhaustion, cut myself on my arms and legs (yes, I've been doing this since his drinking and all started this past summer) and felt complete and utter crap he tells me he's sorry and it won't happen again. I took to drinking and taking valium just to become too numb to care. 

Yes, it's a case of classic abuse...whether you get slammed into a wall and/or beaten up or told just how bad and horrid you are over and over, no matter what you've done to try and make it better or go away..it's all abuse. I've actually told my husband to just hit me, it would be easier to take. 

That said, I don't think ANY abuse is good, excusable or easily gotten over. For awhile I was strong and held it together and helped my husband get into a hospital and get help and things seemed ok for a bout a month but then some additional stress happened earlier this month and I went bonkers about seemingly nothing. I'd say it's "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". 



> _Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat. _


. 

I'd say that you qualify and you definitely need help. I'm glad you realize that and are seeking it. I'm doing the same. Don't let ANYONE tell you it's YOUR fault that you've been abused. It's not..trust me and trust in yourself and if your husband has REALLY changed and loves you he will be patient and supportive.


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## missLA (Nov 10, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Tell me about it!  I'm in a similar situation except that my husband doesn't beat me. We'd always had problems but when he started drinking this past summer and piled on the most incredible amounts of verbal/mental/emotional abuse it made the crap I took from my parents when I was kid look downright benign.
> 
> Then, when I've screamed bloody murder, cried myself to exhaustion, cut myself on my arms and legs (yes, I've been doing this since his drinking and all started this past summer) and felt complete and utter crap he tells me he's sorry and it won't happen again. I took to drinking and taking valium just to become too numb to care.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry that you are going through the drinking stuff. Having problems is bad enough then you add the drinking and forget it. Over a year ago, my husband went on a 24 hour drinking benge. I was horrible. I was called every b**** & w**** then in a matter of 1 hour he called a cancelled my cc reported our debit card as stolen and cut of my cell phone. I found out that my cc cancelled when I attempted to get a room. I was so upset, I slept in my car in the parking lot of my job. Once morning came I went into my office and cleaned up and headed home, hoping that he would be asleep. Well he was still up drinking, that is when he tryed to get physical and I left him. I work for such a wonderful company for they gave me money, apartment and a cell phone. They also helped me to file my restaining order aganist him. During all of this, I was recovering from surgery in which I delevope blood clots in my lungs ( just released from the hosiptal a couple of months prior) and was still under a doctor's care. He whole family withness his behavior. Now, I can say that he has made a change I just have to learn how to trust him and believe in him again, I know that I have " Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". I just have to take it one step at a time and look to God for guidance. I thank you so much for sharing your story. I will keep up on my progress.


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