# I’m going to confess to cheating on my husband 3 months ago tonight



## prayingforamiracle

I’ve messed up a third time in our relationship as a whole now. (If you want more info, go to my profile and look at my first discussion)

Im a serial cheater I guess. I’m ashamed of that title. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m a 21 year old in a 1 year old marriage with no kids.

Im a Christian but you wouldn’t think it by my actions. This weighs on my heart heavily. I want to do what God asks of me here, His will, not mine, no matter how horrible and painful it will be.

I’ve kept my indiscretion to myself for 3 months now. I planned to keep it for life. I can’t do that to my husband. I can’t lie to the man I love.

this may spell the end of my marriage. I know that much. I’m scared to death of whats going to happen. I want to follow God’s lead in this, but it’s hard to tell what I need to do.


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## Cooper

"Hard to tell what you need to do". Seriously?

Yes you need to confess, yes your husband will probably divorce you. Then you need to figure out why you keep cheating, I think a therapist is a must for you. Then you move on with your life and try to be a better person.


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## DallasCowboyFan

How about we change this starting today? "I have been a serial cheater" or "I was a serial cheater". You still need to confess but you need to reframe this and never, never, never let it happen again. You are a young lady and you have a long life ahead of you. Don't be a serial cheater going forward


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## SunCMars

For Catholics, confessing to a priest (and God) can lead to a small measure of forgiveness.

A husband is not a priest, nor should he act the Saint. 

Tomorrow will be your first day in Hell.

You will survive, minus some skin off your naughty butt.

Expect him to be confused, stunned, then angry, and then you will likely get that large measure of divorce.



_Nemesis-_


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## Affaircare

prayingforamiracle said:


> I’ve messed up a third time in our relationship as a whole now. (If you want more info, go to my profile and look at my first discussion)
> 
> Im a serial cheater I guess. I’m ashamed of that title. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m a 21 year old in a 1 year old marriage with no kids.
> 
> Im a Christian but you wouldn’t think it by my actions. This weighs on my heart heavily. I want to do what God asks of me here, His will, not mine, no matter how horrible and painful it will be.
> 
> I’ve kept my indiscretion to myself for 3 months now. I planned to keep it for life. I can’t do that to my husband. I can’t lie to the man I love.
> 
> this may spell the end of my marriage. I know that much. I’m scared to death of whats going to happen. I want to follow God’s lead in this, but it’s hard to tell what I need to do.


@prayingforamiracle,

It truly isn't that hard to know what to do. In real life, you have acted in an unfaithful way three times. To me, that would indicate a pattern, and thus I'd strongly recommend seeing a counselor to understand why your method of coping with something difficult is to seek out validation from "other men." Learn from your counselor some more healthy ways of coping, and practice actually doing them. 

But as to your cheating, it's pretty simple. God wants us to act in a godly way, and that includes not living a lie. One of my favorite people in the Bible is King David. Know why? He committed adultery with Bathsheba, and despite the fact that he was too tempted by eye candy, God stilled called him "the apple of my eye" and LOVED him! When King David committed adultery, you know what he did? He wrote Psalm 51 (Psalms 51 - The King James Bible) to confess his sin, and for the rest of his life he experienced the consequence of the choices he made. He had gotten Bathsheba pregnant, and even though he repented and confessed, and even though he begged for the child's life, he experienced the death of that child--and the rebellion of all the rest of his kids! So over and over the Bible tells us to put away falsehood, to deal honestly with our neighbors, to not lie to each other (Col. 3:9)--so you know what to do. You don't need to "be lead". It's scary, but you know it is the right thing to do. Be brave and do the right thing.

When you do tell your husband, he will no doubt be a mess. I actually wrote an article about that once: Understanding Your Loyal Spouse I'm hoping it will help you have a little bit of understanding for what he's going through.


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## VladDracul

Prayingforamircle, Brief us on your childhood and early teens.


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## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> I’ve messed up a third time in our relationship as a whole now. (If you want more info, go to my profile and look at my first discussion)
> 
> Im a serial cheater I guess. I’m ashamed of that title. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m a 21 year old in a 1 year old marriage with no kids.
> 
> Im a Christian but you wouldn’t think it by my actions. This weighs on my heart heavily. I want to do what God asks of me here, His will, not mine, no matter how horrible and painful it will be.
> 
> I’ve kept my indiscretion to myself for 3 months now. I planned to keep it for life. I can’t do that to my husband. I can’t lie to the man I love.
> 
> this may spell the end of my marriage. I know that much. I’m scared to death of whats going to happen. I want to follow God’s lead in this, but it’s hard to tell what I need to do.


What does God say about being truthful. What does He say about lies and deception. 
Doesn't God say when you marry you become one? How can you be one and keep such a betrayal secret?
Ok so how is it hard to know what to do? You said yourself yesterday you knew what to do.


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## prayingforamiracle

Diana7 said:


> What does God say about being truthful. What does He say about lies and deception.
> Doesn't God say when you marry you become one? How can you be one and keep such a betrayal secret?
> Ok so how is it hard to know what to do? You said yourself yesterday you knew what to do.


I was wrong. I know what I need to do today:

I need to divorce him.

I made an error in judgement at my age, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. He’s a good man, a great one. He’s taken care of me and loved me all this time. But I don’t think this marriage is good for either of us. I don’t want it to be messy, I don’t want to cause him unnecessary grief. But I need to let him go. He deserves a wife that doesn’t cheat. He deserves freedom to be the man he wants to be, the man God intended him to be. He needs to be without me. He needs happiness, and I don’t think I can provide that anymore. I wish it didn’t take so much time for me to see that.


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## gr8ful1

And yet your plan is to drop the D on him without confessing the reasons why. I beg you to reconsider.


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## Diana7

prayingforamiracle said:


> I was wrong. I know what I need to do today:
> 
> I need to divorce him.
> 
> I made an error in judgement at my age, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. He’s a good man, a great one. He’s taken care of me and loved me all this time. But I don’t think this marriage is good for either of us. I don’t want it to be messy, I don’t want to cause him unnecessary grief. But I need to let him go. He deserves a wife that doesn’t cheat. He deserves freedom to be the man he wants to be, the man God intended him to be. He needs to be without me. He needs happiness, and I don’t think I can provide that anymore. I wish it didn’t take so much time for me to see that.


Thats his choice to make after you tell him. Unless you honestly think you need to end the marriage whatever he says.


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## Tested_by_stress

prayingforamiracle said:


> I was wrong. I know what I need to do today:
> 
> I need to divorce him.
> 
> I made an error in judgement at my age, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. He’s a good man, a great one. He’s taken care of me and loved me all this time. But I don’t think this marriage is good for either of us. I don’t want it to be messy, I don’t want to cause him unnecessary grief. But I need to let him go. He deserves a wife that doesn’t cheat. He deserves freedom to be the man he wants to be, the man God intended him to be. He needs to be without me. He needs happiness, and I don’t think I can provide that anymore. I wish it didn’t take so much time for me to see that.


So with this sudden change of heart on divorce, can we assume you've just found suitor # 4?


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## Beach123

prayingforamiracle said:


> I was wrong. I know what I need to do today:
> 
> I need to divorce him.
> 
> I made an error in judgement at my age, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. He’s a good man, a great one. He’s taken care of me and loved me all this time. But I don’t think this marriage is good for either of us. I don’t want it to be messy, I don’t want to cause him unnecessary grief. But I need to let him go. He deserves a wife that doesn’t cheat. He deserves freedom to be the man he wants to be, the man God intended him to be. He needs to be without me. He needs happiness, and I don’t think I can provide that anymore. I wish it didn’t take so much time for me to see that.


That’s good. So divorce him - he deserves to be free from your cheating.

Don’t ever marry again unless you can prove to yourself for years and years that you are capable of being faithful.


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## BigDaddyNY

prayingforamiracle said:


> I was wrong. I know what I need to do today:
> 
> I need to divorce him.
> 
> I made an error in judgement at my age, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. He’s a good man, a great one. He’s taken care of me and loved me all this time. But I don’t think this marriage is good for either of us. I don’t want it to be messy, I don’t want to cause him unnecessary grief. But I need to let him go. He deserves a wife that doesn’t cheat. He deserves freedom to be the man he wants to be, the man God intended him to be. He needs to be without me. He needs happiness, and I don’t think I can provide that anymore. I wish it didn’t take so much time for me to see that.


Divorce him, fine, but you have to tell him why. Tell him you are divorcing him to save him from a life with a person that can't seem to stop cheating and you don't want to hurt him anymore. 

And why a new thread?


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## SunCMars

A new thread has to go better than the last one that was immediately and hopelessly tainted by the bile of TAM's former betrayed.

After her first post member posters drew out their knives and cut her to shreds, never letting her do any 'splainin'.

She does not need to go into any detail, just say she was unfaithful, and is divorcing him.

Take the blame for the divorce.

----or----

She needs to tell him something. She could say she no longer loves him and he deserves someone better, someone who really loves him.

She has my one vote on not spilling the beans of her infidelity. 
My vote is many as many live in our head!

Why put the guy through any more pain than necessary?


_The Typist-_


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

As a BH if I may make a suggestion. Please confess to him. You owe him that much rather than to blindside him with divorce.

Please consider a pastor or Good counselor to help you find out why you are broken and did what you did. You will never be a safe partner for anyone until you work on you.
I wish you the best. It will not be easy, but sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest.


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## ConanHub

Can't really start making things right for him by continuing to deceive him.

Doing right doesn't include continuing to be a liar and manipulator.

Stop playing games and grow up.


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## NTA

prayingforamiracle said:


> I’ve messed up a third time in our relationship as a whole now. (If you want more info, go to my profile and look at my first discussion)
> 
> Im a serial cheater I guess. I’m ashamed of that title. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m a 21 year old in a 1 year old marriage with no kids.
> 
> Im a Christian but you wouldn’t think it by my actions. This weighs on my heart heavily. I want to do what God asks of me here, His will, not mine, no matter how horrible and painful it will be.
> 
> I’ve kept my indiscretion to myself for 3 months now. I planned to keep it for life. I can’t do that to my husband. I can’t lie to the man I love.
> 
> this may spell the end of my marriage. I know that much. I’m scared to death of whats going to happen. I want to follow God’s lead in this, but it’s hard to tell what I need to do.


you weren't ready for marriage as most 21 year olds are not. If he presses you for divorce take it and give him the chance to start over. I believe when you marry young, ie under 30 yo; you're probably wondering what you're missing. Get single again, then you do the GNOs, the girlie trips and so on without having to work with your husband to get him to agree with it. You may get tired of a different guy every week or month and, like others, start to appreciate the stability that many people find in marriage. You may find others that marry in their 20s and have long enduring marriages. That is possible but it's not you. One thing I did was to keep in mind what I didn't want in a partner. This could be your maturing period.


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## Diana7

NTA said:


> you weren't ready for marriage as most 21 year olds are not. If he presses you for divorce take it and give him the chance to start over. I believe when you marry young, ie under 30 yo; you're probably wondering what you're missing. Get single again, then you do the GNOs, the girlie trips and so on without having to work with your husband to get him to agree with it. You may get tired of a different guy every week or month and, like others, start to appreciate the stability that many people find in marriage. You may find others that marry in their 20s and have long enduring marriages. That is possible but it's not you. One thing I did was to keep in mind what I didn't want in a partner. This could be your maturing period.


Some young people are mature enough to marry at that age or younger, it was pretty normal when I was young and many of those marriages are still going strong over 40 years later. 
However the op is pretty immature as many young people seem to be these days. 
I hope she wouldn't have lots of guys, but use the time to find a good church family and build up her faith.


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## Beach123

What did you tell him last night? What was his reaction?


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## Evinrude58

Of course she didn’t.


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## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> Of course she didn’t.


I suspect you are right.


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## DownByTheRiver

prayingforamiracle said:


> I was wrong. I know what I need to do today:
> 
> I need to divorce him.
> 
> I made an error in judgement at my age, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. He’s a good man, a great one. He’s taken care of me and loved me all this time. But I don’t think this marriage is good for either of us. I don’t want it to be messy, I don’t want to cause him unnecessary grief. But I need to let him go. He deserves a wife that doesn’t cheat. He deserves freedom to be the man he wants to be, the man God intended him to be. He needs to be without me. He needs happiness, and I don’t think I can provide that anymore. I wish it didn’t take so much time for me to see that.


Yes I think you do need to divorce him. I think staying together would only make more pain. I believe you're too young to be married and I'm very happy to hear that you don't have children yet. You are still maturing. Most people at your age are not in serious committed relationships that last a lifetime. People your age don't even have fully developed brains yet. You have exploring to do and you cannot do it anymore married. It's just wrong and hurtful and chaotic. So learn from this and be single again and wait until you really feel you are settled down to have kids with anybody. Don't try to be friends with him because this is just all going to be too hurtful for him and it's not fair and he needs a chance to get over it and move on with his life.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

prayingforamiracle said:


> I’ve messed up a third time in our relationship as a whole now. (If you want more info, go to my profile and look at my first discussion)
> 
> Im a serial cheater I guess. I’m ashamed of that title. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m a 21 year old in a 1 year old marriage with no kids.
> 
> Im a Christian but you wouldn’t think it by my actions. This weighs on my heart heavily. I want to do what God asks of me here, His will, not mine, no matter how horrible and painful it will be.
> 
> I’ve kept my indiscretion to myself for 3 months now. I planned to keep it for life. I can’t do that to my husband. I can’t lie to the man I love.
> 
> this may spell the end of my marriage. I know that much. I’m scared to death of whats going to happen. I want to follow God’s lead in this, but it’s hard to tell what I need to do.


DOWN by the river?


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> As a BH if I may make a suggestion. Please confess to him. You owe him that much rather than to blindside him with divorce.
> 
> Please consider a pastor or Good counselor to help you find out why you are broken and did what you did. You will never be a safe partner for anyone until you work on you.
> I wish you the best. It will not be easy, but sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest.


Please.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

prayingforamiracle said:


> I’ve messed up a third time in our relationship as a whole now. (If you want more info, go to my profile and look at my first discussion)
> 
> Im a serial cheater I guess. I’m ashamed of that title. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m a 21 year old in a 1 year old marriage with no kids.
> 
> Im a Christian but you wouldn’t think it by my actions. This weighs on my heart heavily. I want to do what God asks of me here, His will, not mine, no matter how horrible and painful it will be.
> 
> I’ve kept my indiscretion to myself for 3 months now. I planned to keep it for life. I can’t do that to my husband. I can’t lie to the man I love.
> 
> this may spell the end of my marriage. I know that much. I’m scared to death of whats going to happen. I want to follow God’s lead in this, but it’s hard to tell what I need to do.


Let the record show 9/29 was the date of the announced cheating. So, three months ago is on 29? Cannot be if it was June then it would be on 29. So, 28. So, 6/29 and 6/28 cheating in 2021.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

prayingforamiracle said:


> I’ve messed up a third time in our relationship as a whole now. (If you want more info, go to my profile and look at my first discussion)
> 
> Im a serial cheater I guess. I’m ashamed of that title. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m a 21 year old in a 1 year old marriage with no kids.
> 
> Im a Christian but you wouldn’t think it by my actions. This weighs on my heart heavily. I want to do what God asks of me here, His will, not mine, no matter how horrible and painful it will be.
> 
> I’ve kept my indiscretion to myself for 3 months now. I planned to keep it for life. I can’t do that to my husband. I can’t lie to the man I love.
> 
> this may spell the end of my marriage. I know that much. I’m scared to death of whats going to happen. I want to follow God’s lead in this, but it’s hard to tell what I need to do.


You want to follow God's lead so as you know, as a Christian, you don't get to know what God's lead is. No one gets to God but through Him and God doesn't get to you but through Him. You are saying, to me, that you want a lead from a God you will never get an accurate lead from. His lead would be who you are married to, right? We know God to be a boys club kind of God so not sure how you would figure that out. 

How did you cheat? How are you continuing to sin? Why did you cheat?


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## Casual Observer

Last seen Oct 12th. Nothing to see here, move along…


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> As a BH if I may make a suggestion. Please confess to him. You owe him that much rather than to blindside him with divorce.
> 
> Please consider a pastor or Good counselor to help you find out why you are broken and did what you did. You will never be a safe partner for anyone until you work on you.
> I wish you the best. It will not be easy, but sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest.


Did she indicate that she was going to blind-side him with divorce? Why will it be hard for you?


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

Diana7 said:


> Some young people are mature enough to marry at that age or younger, it was pretty normal when I was young and many of those marriages are still going strong over 40 years later.
> However the op is pretty immature as many young people seem to be these days.
> I hope she wouldn't have lots of guys, but use the time to find a good church family and build up her faith.


Do you think she had many men? Sounds like she had 3 during the relationship.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

NTA said:


> you weren't ready for marriage as most 21 year olds are not. If he presses you for divorce take it and give him the chance to start over. I believe when you marry young, ie under 30 yo; you're probably wondering what you're missing. Get single again, then you do the GNOs, the girlie trips and so on without having to work with your husband to get him to agree with it. You may get tired of a different guy every week or month and, like others, start to appreciate the stability that many people find in marriage. You may find others that marry in their 20s and have long enduring marriages. That is possible but it's not you. One thing I did was to keep in mind what I didn't want in a partner. This could be your maturing period.


Ignore advice advising to get single again. That won't fix it - she needs to get fixed. GNO doesn't totally make sense to me as she can have those married to him. I do agree with those who don't want a "partner" as I refuse and have already held that refusal clear for all the world to see. What missing in life is for spoiled people who are married. Or, when somebody truly marries way beneath them or not enough beneath them.


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## crashdawg

What is the logic in shattering another's soul simply so you sleep better at night? Tell your husband you're broken, find a good therapist, work on yourself AND on your marriage. No good can come of telling him without the proper tools in place and support system available to correct course. Saying something now would simply shatter him and deny you the opportunity to prove that you can change, prove that you want to change, and prove that you are better then this. A confession is warranted eventually, but spoken too early it will simply shatter him.


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## ConanHub

crashdawg said:


> What is the logic in shattering another's soul simply so you sleep better at night? Tell your husband you're broken, find a good therapist, work on yourself AND on your marriage. No good can come of telling him without the proper tools in place and support system available to correct course. Saying something now would simply shatter him and deny you the opportunity to prove that you can change, prove that you want to change, and prove that you are better then this. A confession is warranted eventually, but spoken too early it will simply shatter him.


This is advice to deny him choice and agency.

I value informed choice and agency and would greatly resent anyone denying me those basic rights.

He is owed the truth about what he has been exposed to through his trust in his wife.


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## crashdawg

ConanHub said:


> This is advice to deny him choice and agency.
> 
> I value informed choice and agency and would greatly resent anyone denying me those basic rights.
> 
> He is owed the truth about what he has been exposed to through his trust in his wife.


"I'm broken" would be honest truth. "I need help and I'm seeking professional help" would be honest truth. Stating now that she is a serial cheater, has cheated, and may continue to cheat will likely result in her husband assuming something is wrong with him. It will shatter him, and cause far more damage to him and any future relationship(s) he seeks. If she seeks therapy, does the work, finds and corrects the root, then she can confess AND provide context AND he still will have choices to make. Words without action are meaningless. Words before actions are merely dreams of intent. Words after actions are simply reinforcement of the hard work already done.


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## Affaircare




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