# Work is the best and untouchable place to cheat



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I just needed to vent about this apparent fact emerging here on TAM.

If the WS is cheating at work they, their job, and the AP and even the affairs appears to become untouchable because betrayed spouses are afraid of exposing the affair either for fear the WS will loose their job, or the BS will loose some theoretical leverage.

So why not just add it to the newbie section :

If your WS is cheating at work, just give up and accept the affair. There is nothing you can do, so just accept it.

Is that what the consensus wisdom on TAM is?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I just needed to vent about this apparent fact emerging here on TAM.
> 
> If the WS is cheating at work they, their job, and the AP and even the affairs appears to become untouchable because betrayed spouses are afraid of exposing the affair either for fear the WS will loose their job, or the BS will loose some theoretical leverage.
> 
> ...



I am a fan of SAHM, their work is endless and enduring. It does not mean that SAHM do not cheat but IMHO, men and women in the workplace makes it difficult and I know some people have no trouble but, the numbers do not lie.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

One thing you have to take into consideration is the fact that judges don't consider adultery when dealing with alimony and spousal support in most places. So exposure at work is a calculated risk that the BS has to be willing to take.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> One thing you have to take into consideration is the fact that *judges don't consider adultery when dealing with alimony and spousal support in most places*. So exposure at work is a calculated risk that the BS has to be willing to take.


REALLY. I mean REALLY???


so, if a wife cheats, you hire a PI, get pics, evidence etc...

she still get's 1/2???

now that would be f-ed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> One thing you have to take into consideration is the fact that judges don't consider adultery when dealing with alimony and spousal support in most places. So exposure at work is a calculated risk that the BS has to be willing to take.


Sure, but it's always assumed that the WS won't get a job again, when they most likely will.

I stand by my assertion, cheating at work makes the WS and the AP untouchable for most people. It's the ultimate safe place to cheat without any consequences. 

Time was people would fight to be break up cheaters, they would take action.

Now once it comes to light that the affair is at work, the conventional wisdom is to just file for D and offer generous terms to the WS so they won't get upset and drag it out,

Again we should officially document this strategy on the newbies link so they can skip past all of the discovery, gathering evidence etc, and just file for D and walk away, because there is no other option.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I just needed to vent about this apparent fact emerging here on TAM.
> 
> If the WS is cheating at work they, their job, and the AP and even the affairs appears to become untouchable because betrayed spouses are afraid of exposing the affair either for fear the WS will loose their job, or the BS will loose some theoretical leverage.
> 
> ...


No doubt it's a common point of contention for the BS. It seems the advice to expose at work is ignored frequently. 

If the BS wants to R, they worry about the loss of HH income and ticking off their spouse beyond repair. 

If the BS wants to D, they may worry about paying increased alimony.

I guess it's a money vs. marriage value or a money vs. rightful retribution conundrum. But I agree, seems that the financial perspective wins out most of the time.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

hmmmm

I'm confused. cheating or just two co workers having sex...either way the less needed of the two is getting fired or laid off in due time. so I disagree.

as far as cheating. I have seen BOTH parties get fired for that.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> REALLY. I mean REALLY???
> 
> 
> so, if a wife cheats, you hire a PI, get pics, evidence etc...
> ...


yep. Sucks but its a necessary sh!t sandwich to swallow. If you're divorcing, the key is to get out with minimal damage. So I would suggest the BS to expose after the D comes through. If you're inclining towards R there is no other alternative but to expose.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Most of the time, the people at work already know. They've been whispering about it all along.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> yep. Sucks but its a necessary sh!t sandwich to swallow. If you're divorcing, the key is to get out with minimal damage. So I would suggest the BS to expose after the D comes through. If you're inclining towards R there is no other alternative but to expose.


Well I could think of one other alternative, but I'd have to up her life insurance before following through.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'll add one other note. I'm an HR manager. I've been in HR for 25 years working for large and small companies. Not once in all those years have we fired an employee for a work related affair where a sexual harassment claim wasn't involved. 

The fact is that most companies don't have wording in their HR policies to deal with work affairs, unrelated to sexual harassment. Even those that do, usually only deal with supervisor/subordinate relationships.

By all means the BS should try to find out if the HR handbook has a anti-fraternization policy. And the best way to find that out is through another employee there. The HR dept. is likely not to divulge that information to a non-employee.

So, if an affair is reported, the likelihood in most situations is the AP probably won't get fired, withstanding a sexual harassment claim; which is rare also. But it certainly can't hurt to report it none the less. A report like that certainly won't help the AP's career. Especially if they're in a key position. 

And it will give the AP one more thing to think about.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

In all my time I've only seen only one man fired but I've seen quite a few affairs happen over the years. So the likelihood of the spouse losing the job is minimal. But the reputation of the female affair partner is completely trashed in the workplace and they end up leaving more often than not.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> In all my time I've only seen only one man fired but I've seen quite a few affairs happen over the years. So the likelihood of the spouse losing the job is minimal. But the reputation of the female affair partner is completely trashed in the workplace and they end up leaving more often than not.


Excellent point. Very true.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Work affairs cause alot of distraction among other employees who are just trying to work. Where I work I witnessed such an affair that nothing was done immediately but eventually one of the affairees lost their job as they were written up 3 times for other issues and the AP was given a promotion or turfed to another department go figure


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I'll add one other note. I'm an HR manager. I've been in HR for 25 years working for large and small companies. Not once in all those years have we fired an employee for a work related affair where a sexual harassment claim wasn't involved.
> 
> The fact is that most companies don't have wording in their HR policies to deal with work affairs, unrelated to sexual harassment. Even those that do, usually only deal with supervisor/subordinate relationships.
> 
> ...


I'm a headhunter, so I could not speak to what is reported. I can point to multiple instances where a client would tell me after the fact about someone who who had an affair or brought someone other than their wife to an event etc, etc....

It may go unreported, but it does not go unnoticed. It will be one more check in the "replace him/her" column and their time will come within 12-18 months for a reason other than the affair or cheating.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Work affairs cause alot of distraction among other employees who are just trying to work. Where I work I witnessed such an affair that nothing was done immediately but eventually one of the affairees lost their job as they were written up 3 times for other issues and the AP was given a promotion or turfed to another department go figure


eggxactly!

hell, I got fired once for keeping my boss' daughter out all night. of course they said it was something else.

I had a fling with a femal co-worker....she was let go within month's.

Two of my wife's co-workers were BOTH fired for an affair as they were very high profile people and it did not look good in their organization once it was made public by the wifes husband.

and thats not even the stories I've heard from clients!


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> One thing you have to take into consideration is the fact that judges don't consider adultery when dealing with alimony and spousal support in most places. So exposure at work is a calculated risk that the BS has to be willing to take.


Not necessarily. Here in SC. If you get caught in adultery, there is no alimony. Period.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

it speaks to their character, or lack of it...


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

As far as I'm concerned, if you want to optimize the results of the divorce in terms of asset division and child custody, you file fast, don't expose in the workplace, push the divorce through the system at a dead run while the spouse is distracted by "Mr./Ms. Wonderful" and while, if they feel anything towards you, it's more guilt than anger.

So I guess it comes down to what you're shooting for.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> I'm a headhunter, so I could not speak to what is reported. I can point to multiple instances where a client would tell me after the fact about someone who who had an affair or brought someone other than their wife to an event etc, etc....
> 
> It may go unreported, but it does not go unnoticed. It will be one more check in the "replace him/her" column and their time will come within 12-18 months for a reason other than the affair or cheating.


Oh, I'm sure that none of the managers I've worked with over the years would let something like that influence their fairness.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Not exposing at the workplace is one huge mistake I made way back when 6 years ago. 

Yes everyone at work knew about it but didn't care. If I would have exposed and embarrassed the f*ck out of my ex and his AP I'm sure it would have fizzled out alot sooner. I'm not saying it would have saved my marriage as I feel there are deeper issues at play. But I'm sure it would have helped both of us look at the "whys" in our actions instead of rug sweeping and pretending nothing happened.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Personally my self respect has no price tag. What good is a few extra sheckles if you feel lower than dog spit? Money can be made and made again but lack of honor is a lifetime anchor.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I got a few licks in on the other woman.....but call me mercenary, but I wanted to maximise my payout when dividing assets.

I think I would only worry about exposing the affair at work from a sexual harassment point of view. And of course, if we were going to reconcile, push my spouse to move to another department.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

This actually brings to mind something else I've been contemplating. Consequences.

Several threads show couples in R where the R is either breaking down or not progressing. In all these threads the one common denominator is that the BS now feels the WS did not suffer any consequences. We talk about transparency, openness and honesty but those should be a given in any relationship. When an affair occurs at work or in a class or in any setting and the cheater is allowed to stay the R almost always falls apart. Even when the affair is effectively ended and one AP leaves so NC can be enforced, if the cheater's life is not really disrupted in some meaningful way the betrayed spouse almost always builds resentment.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

bfree said:


> This actually brings to mind something else I've been contemplating. Consequences.
> 
> Several threads show couples in R where the R is either breaking down or not progressing. In all these threads the one common denominator is that the BS now feels the WS did not suffer any consequences. We talk about transparency, openness and honesty but those should be a given in any relationship. When an affair occurs at work or in a class or in any setting and the cheater is allowed to stay the R almost always falls apart. Even when the affair is effectively ended and one AP leaves so NC can be enforced, if the cheater's life is not really disrupted in some meaningful way the betrayed spouse almost always builds resentment.


Oh man....if this isn't a great post I don't know what is.

I felt that same way for years...I don't think I let go of any of my resentment until year 4 of "R"...and by then it was way too late. The marriage was too deteriorated from all of that poison spewing out from my unresolved resentment thinking he didn't face enough consequences.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I stayed in touch with one of the salespeople after I left the pharma company. she told me that the director of sales had an affair with one of the saleswomen.

And one night her husband came up to work to have a word, _if you know what I mean,_ with the sales director in the parking lot.

She said that the Pres. of the unit demoted the sales director and the two of them never spoke to each other during working hours.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I stayed in touch with one of the salespeople after I left the pharma company. she told me that the director of sales had an affair with one of the saleswomen.
> 
> And one night her husband came up to work to have a word, _if you know what I mean,_ with the sales director in the parking lot.
> 
> She said that the Pres. of the unit demoted the sales director and the two of them never spoke to each other during working hours.


Gave me back a little hope. Thank you.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Honestly, it is a touchy subject. If you ‘out’ your spouse at work and it results in a job loss, it CAN come back to bite you in the butt as far as alimony. All depends on how a judge or mediator looks at it. And, keep in mind, in ‘family court’, no judge in there believes marriage is a permanent thing... a career is though. Messing with someones career is a worse “bad” to a person who hears about adultery and marriage dissolutions all day / every day for who knows how many years. That person (a judge is a person) is rather desensitized. 

The job loss of the WS is directly attributable to your actions as the BS if that is why they were let go. Some judges would see it as the WS fault for having an affair and should have known they’d lose their job for violating office policies... others will see it as the BS being vengeful creating that situation where there is no longer the income. Judges are human, and this will play a part in how they decide. 

“Earning potential” is nothing more than opinion. Judges tend to look at facts and use formulas. So, the WS may have been earning six figures in a management position, but after your outing and smear campaign, with a bad referral and termination on their resume, they may have a tough time getting a replacement position at equal pay having to take up a lower level position elsewhere. At which point your WS just presents all the rejection letters and their current salary and employment. Judges tend to use real numbers.

It is why, if you state you fully intend on divorcing, I will never recommend you mess with your foggy wayward’s financial life. You are going to want it nice a stable to get a nice settlement and division of assets. 

Messing with it runs risk. Even with custody. Who becomes the primary caregiver if you are off at work and their unemployed butt is at home watching the kids for months and months while the divorce winds through the system? Do you even want that to be called into question? Mess with them AFTER you get the papers signed... even then, they can go back to court to re-negotiate as their situation changes... Why would you want to put yourself through that ongoing brain damage?

Reconciliation is a different beast though. If you go that route, I assume you have decided that your WS is worth the upheaval and ramifications of career changes to you. So, go for it.... Wreck the fantasy and crash their world down around them so they can see the destructive nature of their choices and maybe do something about it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Racer said:


> Reconciliation is a different beast though. If you go that route, I assume you have decided that your WS is worth the upheaval and ramifications of career changes to you. So, go for it.... Wreck the fantasy and crash their world down around them so they can see the destructive nature of their choices and maybe do something about it.


If you're a SAHM and you wreck your WH's career, who is going to pay the mortgage? Or buy food and diapers?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Kills8 outed his wife at work. She got fired. His latest post has the letter she wrote his CO - or some decision maker - full of blame and demanding compensation for the job loss.

IMO, Kills8 did right - and it's likely gonna cost. But he doesn't seem to mind. Sometimes you gotta do what u gotta do.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

dDay was last fall and I exposed at my WS's workplace as his affair was with a coworker. We are reconciling and the exposure at the office shut his circus with the OW down. OW has since been moved to a new location. WS has lost a lot of respect at work. He will soon have a new boss (current boss is leaving for another job elsewhere) and the new boss made it clear to him he's on notice, so to speak. She doesn't sound like the type who takes any crap. He was up for a promotion and was one of the first names crossed off the list. His bad choices have haunted him. 

I should note there were plenty of people aware of the burgeoning relationship between WS and the OW, my choice to expose at his workplace just brought a MUCH brighter light to shine on the affair. I don't regret it at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think most affairs happen in the work place.

I don't see why it makes any difference.

I have heard a few legit concerns that trashing the career of a woman who makes better money than her BS might be a bad idea financially if divorcing.
That seems valid to me.

If I were in that position I'd just wait until the D was complete and then trash her career.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Bride of Frank:
I think Shaggy feels the same as you. His thread (I think) is to lament the insistent and very vocal advice given by some posters to NEVER expose a work affair due to fear of how it would impact spousal support from the higher wage earner (usually the husband). 

Since soooo many posters are quick to adamantly insist "no exposure at work" he finds it frustrating. Apparently you do too.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> Bride of Frank:
> I think Shaggy feels the same as you. His thread (I think) is to lament the insistent and very vocal advice given by some posters to NEVER expose a work affair due to fear of how it would impact spousal support from the higher wage earner (usually the husband).
> 
> Since soooo many posters are quick to adamantly insist "no exposure at work" he finds it frustrating. Apparently you do too.


I agree with Shaggy's point in most cases but there have been a few through here where not disclosing to employers or waiting for the right time to disclose was the best path to take concerning divorce agreements.

I really think it's like everything else.
Most people are going to have to diverge from common practice in some areas due to the unique aspects of their particular situation.

Edit:
And not everyone finds themselves in the position to be screwing with their STBEX financially.

If I'm about to be a single mother with three kids I may not want to go ****ing around with with the source of my child support payments.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

It's such a tough thing to do. I find myself torn between sending an email and exposing my STBXH and the women he got involved with, but if he loses his job, well, I am screwed. I gave up my career to be a SAHM. He pays the bills. At one point I was resolved to expose everything to his manager, but I have a child, and have to put aside my anger and desire for "justice" for the good of my child. There is also the possibility that I may get sued for my actions. I cannot prove physical infidelity. I have pics and texts and emails, but nothing that explicitly says that they had sex. I've been told that in some states, EA's are looked upon as a form of adultery, but I don't think in mine. 
I see both sides of the issue, and here again, thanks to these jackhole WS's and their actions, they force a BS to have to "clean up" and make the tough decisions. F**kers!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> It's such a tough thing to do. I find myself torn between sending an email and exposing my STBXH and the women he got involved with, but if he loses his job, well, I am screwed. I gave up my career to be a SAHM. He pays the bills. At one point I was resolved to expose everything to his manager, but I have a child, and have to put aside my anger and desire for "justice" for the good of my child. There is also the possibility that I may get sued for my actions. I cannot prove physical infidelity. I have pics and texts and emails, but nothing that explicitly says that they had sex. I've been told that in some states, EA's are looked upon as a form of adultery, but I don't think in mine.
> I see both sides of the issue, and here again, thanks to these jackhole WS's and their actions, they force a BS to have to "clean up" and make the tough decisions. F**kers!


You make an excellent case for yourself. If the sole breadwinner loses his job (unlikely - but still a possibility) for even a few weeks it will be a detriment to the already harmed kids. So yeah good call.

However, this is not always the case with others. The point is, it (workplace exposure) shouldn't AUTOMATICALLY be off the tabe. Not at all.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I just needed to vent about this apparent fact emerging here on TAM.
> 
> If the WS is cheating at work they, their job, and the AP and even the affairs appears to become untouchable because betrayed spouses are afraid of exposing the affair either for fear the WS will loose their job, or the BS will loose some theoretical leverage.
> 
> ...


Affairs at works seem to be an almost universal theme.

It makes sense when you think about it, they are at work 8-12 hours per day, away from you, and rubbing shoulders with another person, and only seeing their "good" side that they show. They share their problems, mostly their empty complaints about their significant other to their workmate, it is a recipe for disaster right from the get go without strong boundaries in place.

A good thread.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's been my experience that the best way to deal with a cheating partner is to dump them and give them plenty of rope to hang themselves. Stupid people need no assistance seeing to their own demise. Bringing one's sexual business to work is just begging to be fired. I don't want to be married to a cheater, so I'm certainly not fighting to keep one. I'm going to get a ridiculously favorable settlement and send her, giggling, to the arms of the OM. They will end up destroying each other far worse than any plot I might devise. The best revenge is to unload them and live a happier life.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You make an excellent case for yourself. If the sole breadwinner loses his job (unlikely - but still a possibility) for even a few weeks it will be a detriment to the already harmed kids. So yeah good call.
> 
> *However, this is not always the case with others. The point is, it (workplace exposure) shouldn't AUTOMATICALLY be off the tabe. Not at all*.


Agreed! If children were not involved and I was still working and had financial independence... I might just make the epic drive to their office myself and let EVERYONE know. Although, with the way I am planning things, they will both be served at the same time AND being Government workers, they would both have to come to the security checkpoint. Hahahaha! I can hear the P.A. system now - and the gossip from their co-workers!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

The ex OWs husband sent an email to everyone in work about the A. It blew the whole thing wide open and my H finished it within the next three weeks.
The thing is with As, they thrive in the dark. The secrecy adds to the excitement, shine some light on it and doom, they shrivel. 
Nothing happened to their jobs though and they both still work in the same place, but that's another story!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I read this with interest, as the industry I work in doesn't think it's a "big deal".

Old school, all the way. Mens' clubhouse. Heck, I've worked for a man or two along the way that would tell me they were going to the gym at 2 pm 3 x a week "And if my wife calls, that is what you are going to tell her". Once or twice she did call. Once from the gym and he wasn't there, so she said. 

It was going on all over the place, and still is. I've seen it in every company I've worked at in this industry. Exposing would make everyone nod and say "I win the bet, told ya so!". And I would be frowned upon for trying to impose morals where they don't belong. 

I would never expose at work, but I would expose to the affair partner's family. And let the cards fall after that. 
Just my two cents.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Work is the best and untouchable place to cheat*



daisygirl 41 said:


> The ex OWs husband sent an email to everyone in work about the A. It blew the whole thing wide open and my H finished it within the next three weeks.
> The thing is with As, they thrive in the dark. The secrecy adds to the excitement, shine some light on it and doom, they shrivel.
> Nothing happened to their jobs though and they both still work in the same place, but that's another story!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Daisy, do you believe that the OMW exposing at the workplace had an impact on your R?


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

In my case, WH and still-single-AP met at one workplace. He left first to start his own business at my expense with her note in his coworkers' farewell card saying "we'll miss you!". She passed him her number in secret saying she has possible clients for his new business. She left 6 months later. They sustained contact for 7 years thereafter, all under my nose. Never once did he ever mention her name. It was my brother who identified the big bear trap on my ankle and advised me of it. I took action. 

After the divorce we had almost daily phone and weekly face contact because of visitation. Then I found out about it. He had told close friends I was still his wife and referred to me as such rather than ex, gave me his apartment keys and gate pass during 3/4 of the divorce. She didn't like that so she upped the ante and offered him sex. I found out then because of his fogged up further fog. He wanted to reconcile but not desperately so. So I frikin took him at his word, every single one. I don't play games. I didn't go after him career-wise. 

She's been at her subsequent-to-their-meeting job for the last 7 years. So I called her supposed HR manager. I asked what the company ethics were for collecting charity to aid children and families when their employee was with a married man? They told me that what I am doing might be illegal so they wanted to check with their lawyers thus asked me for my name and number SO I GAVE IT TO THEM. Nothing happened. I resorted to posting her on cheaterville 6 months later. It has been 7 months since I posted it and the result was only that she got removed from one of her roles re: chairing the charity for them that aids unfortunate children and families. She's still in that job even today. But I say, go after the AP in the workplace... They deliberately decided to interfere in your marriage. The WH is ultimately responsible for all damages but it takes two to tango.

If you can't out one, out the other. Check your internal ways and means committee. There are all kinds of anti-parasite meds available, just have to know where to find them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

bfree said:


> Daisy, do you believe that the OMW exposing at the workplace had an impact on your R?


Absolutely. I had just started to detach from my H by that point and was implementing a mini 180. 
I was in contact with her husband at this point and was a regular here on TAM, I knew exposure was a recommended step in ending the A but didn't have the guts to do it,
So, unashamedly I persuaded her husband to do it instead. Things went severely downhill for 3
Weeks but it absolutely killed it dead. It gave my H the opportunity to see the OW when he wanted, he only spent 3 nights at her place and he was done.
The reality did not live up to the fantasy one bit. He realised he didn't want to be a father to someone else's kids, didn't want to be a Saturday dad, didn't want to be with her. She has created a fantasy life that couldn't be further from the truth. He was ashamed and humiliated.
A week later he wrote me a letter. Pouring his heart out to me. That was the first time in months that he opened up to me and I could see a glimmer of the man I knew coming back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RyanBingham (Mar 27, 2013)

norajane said:


> Most of the time, the people at work already know. They've been whispering about it all along.


You are right about this. I have seen/heard of many hook ups at large company that I've been employed with (among married people). There is an acute awareness among colleagues but it's treated as "none of my business" policy.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Honestly I'm at work to work. It's not my job to be the moral police. 
I think if you are exposing your best bet is family and friends. I have a hard time caring about my coworker's birthdays and other crap. I don't care who they sleep with. Just there to get paid. 

I guess I don't see the point in exposing to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> I just needed to vent about this apparent fact emerging here on TAM.
> 
> If the WS is cheating at work they, their job, and the AP and even the affairs appears to become untouchable because betrayed spouses are afraid of exposing the affair either for fear the WS will loose their job, or the BS will loose some theoretical leverage.
> 
> ...



My thinking is ..never eat were your sh1t. If you do then except the consequences...gossip andbetrayed spouse exposing. 

If your your going to have an affair do it with some strange!

Thats my $0.02


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Nobody at his workplace had any clue about it. They were shocked and he works in quite a small place.
I know a couple of the women that work there, I've known one of them for 30 years, when I'd had my suspicions I asked her a few times and she said there was nothing going on. When it all came out, she came to see me and was absolutely gob smacked by it all. She had no clue at all. They kept it very well hidden!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Well my ex met her AP at work and it was impossible to stop or try to prove. She was in tight with her supervisor who allowed her to set her own hours so she claimed she was "working overtime" which I knew was preposterous but when I checked her pay she was indeed getting paid for overtime so I could not prove anything. 
Whenever I would say I will go in to talk to you after work she would say there is a "workplace policy" disallowing people from outside work being allowed in the office area.
Finally, when I confronted her on how much time she spent at work - she said "I am doing nothing other than trying to help support a family." I felt extremely powerless.
It was only one time when I went to pick her up from work and I smelled beer off her breath and I said "where were you?" to which she replied "Up in the office" to which I said "what are they serving up there, you smell like a brewery"?
Then I asked what was really going on and she said her and some girls at work were walking by some guys offices seeing if the wanted to go for drinks to which I replied `What is a married woman doing walking around other men`s offices looking to coax them our for drinks? 
She got uncomfortable and left 2 days later.
The workplace is a natural breeding ground for this stuff.
You have egos, men and women constantly in contact with one another, etc.

Oh yeah, and when I try to expose her and other guy - the organization defended her and their policy so I was handcuffed.
They all met me at Christmas parties, social functions, etc. but when the affair happened they rallied behind her (no doubt due to the lies she was telling them). 
It took me backing off and then her going more open with the affair which she exposed herself - THEN the workplace (didn't fire her) but put him and her away from each other. 
But too late for our marriage. 
If only organizations could be more aware of what is going on.
I agree with the SAHM thing as well - when she was a SAHM - there was never any trouble. BUT this being said - if I could not trust her at work with men - it would have happened elsewhere..matter of time.
I still get pissed at her workplace....


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Honestly I'm at work to work. It's not my job to be the moral police.
> I think if you are exposing your best bet is family and friends. I have a hard time caring about my coworker's birthdays and other crap. I don't care who they sleep with. Just there to get paid.
> 
> I guess I don't see the point in exposing to work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought this too UNTIL it happened to me.....now if I see a couple at work fraternizing, I will do something. I mean, yeah, we are at work to work BUT when guys and girls are at work flirting and carrying on with each other and USING the work place as some sort of dating society - well that is not what the workplace was intended for either...


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I can't comment on exposure at work- for me it made no sense, she left her job and he had already moved on. But I will repeat my FWW and the OM travelled together for work. They were a team that visited prospects and clients. It was incredibly simple to carry on, they just rented 2 hotel rooms but both went in one at the end of the day. It was nearly impossible for me to detect until I found this site and set up a VAR in her car.

Work A's are very tough to end and detect, espcially if work travel is involved. Women who travel are particularly susceptible. They used BBRY messenger and she always deleted all of her conversations.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

At my workplace there's an affair going on currently. Both people are married to other people outside work. 
The man has been cheating on his wife with two other work colleagues (besides the current one). Most people know about the affair but no one does anything about it. The work contract doesn't have anything about affairs and we can't fire anyone because of that. 

Two married man have attempted to have an affair with me there so far and one of the man is the one I mentioned above. He is well-known for this activity at work and he mostly chases young workers. He did the same with me last year and now he's doing the same with another girl who started working there 3 months ago but the difference is that they're having an affair now.

I remember last year he used his work-number to send me messages and his work-email to send me emails. He would delete ALL the sent messages, everywhere. He had several numbers and I'm sure his wife must've been unaware of all the numbers that he had(s). 
Probably his wife is not really tech savvy because his affairs have been going on for years and she still hasn't divorced him.

ETA: I forgot to add an important detail. This cheating man and his wife BOTH work for the same company, but in different sectors...different buildings. 
So if this man gets fired, so will his wife because she was hired there because of him. He helped her get a job at this company.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I just needed to vent about this apparent fact emerging here on TAM.
> 
> If the WS is cheating at work they, their job, and the AP and even the affairs appears to become untouchable because betrayed spouses are afraid of exposing the affair either for fear the WS will loose their job, or the BS will loose some theoretical leverage.
> 
> ...


And yet in reality it should be very precarious. Indeed, EAs can very readily occur at work. 

But I am befuddled when the BS does not take a very direct route to exposing at work. Why they would care more about their spouse losing than job than saving thier marriage is one of the biggest mysteries on TAM these days.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

slater said:


> Work A's are very tough to end and detect, espcially if work travel is involved. Women who travel are particularly susceptible. They used BBRY messenger and she always deleted all of her conversations.


So how did you detect and end it?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

norajane said:


> Most of the time, the people at work already know. They've been whispering about it all along.


Indeed, but it becomes a real problem when someone mentions the emperor has no clothes.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> If the WS is cheating at work they, their job, and the AP and even *the affairs appears to become untouchable because betrayed spouses are afraid of exposing the affair either for fear the WS will loose their job, or the BS will loose some theoretical leverage.*
> 
> If your WS is cheating at work, just give up and accept the affair. There is nothing you can do, so just accept it.


In my younger days... I use to fight a little. I had a trainer tell me once... "Sometimes, you have to be willing to take one, to get one." 

Exposing is never clean and easy. If you decide to do it, expect the outcome and embrace the repercussions. You really think everyone is going to side with you because your wife has been screwing around for years with other men? 

When I caught my wife serially cheating for years, I exposed far and wide. Did any of her work friends turn their backs on her? NONE! Did any of her "blood" decide she was a horrible person and decide to "shun" her? NONE! 

One of her cousins (cheater herself) said to her... "Your husband must of seriously not been meeting your needs, for you to step outside of your marriage, I understand."

Get the point what Shaggy is saying. 

You expose because it's the right thing to do... But don't think some kind of Magic Wand is going to be waved over you and all will be right. 

People... friends, family, work related, could really care less. They got their own issues to live with. Hell, your best friends wife is cheating on him. He hasn't a clue!

In the end... and this takes years to understand. YOU are alone to deal with the pain, the hurt, the reality of betrayal. No one wants to hear about your issues. Ever wondered why you have to PAY an IC to listen to your banter? 

Sometimes... I wonder if I should have taken the Blue Pill?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

interesting thread.


not to threadjack, but in keeping with the theme..... do you think it's fair to "accommodate" two cheating co-workers? 

i've read many stories where employees are re-assigned or placed on different projects or teams when they cheat amongst each other. fair or not?


i'm of the opinion that there are employees more deserving of a certain position once this non-fraternizing policy has been breached. why be so accommodating to these few that couldn't "keep it in their pants." FIRE THEM!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"m in Cda, and firing someone for having an affair would be akin to firing someone for being gay, or having a foot fetish, or other personal preferences.

Unless there is an HR agreement on workplace relationships that is being violated, it's not their business. They don't want to get involved.

I will add, though, that it does affect my work. I see it, and my opinion of the person changes. I lose a bit of respect. That does carry over into the workplace relationship, if I allow it to. I've gotten immune enough to it, that I can work effectively with someone I don't like or respect. I focus on the job. Most of the time, the person is very good at their job, so it's not a problem to do so. 

Karma is a sneaky cat. company has hockey season tickets. See your boss at the game with a woman who doesn't look like the picture on his desk. Christmas party comes up. The wife of a co-worker will be asked to saunter over to boss' wife and comment that her new brown hair color looks much more flattering than the blonde she was sporting at the hockey game. 

Oh yeah, I've seen it happen. There are ways to do it.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

well I will say this about exposing - it turned my children to me rather than from me AND it got my ex away from working with her AP as she was reassigned. There's an old saying that my father used to say "The truth will always come out" and I knew that when my ex-wife left me. 
I told my sons someone else was involved, I told her family, I told my family, her work.....
It played out like this - she denied everything, my kids defended her, my family said "how do you know someone else is involved?", her family (who knew her actually defended me from the get go), her work defended her. 
One year later, almost to the date.....
It is like this......
Her family are supportive of her (whatever lies she told them - but they are family and I expected that).
My two sons now are VERY supportive of me.
My family now cannot stand her and literally do not want to see her face anymore. They see her as a big manipulator who just plays and uses people.
Her workplace reassigned her away from her AP......
Our friends who she told lies to - no longer associate with her (but I do not associate with them either because they took her side).
In the end, the truth comes out but I am glad I exposed because it gave me the upper hand.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

deejov said:


> Karma is a sneaky cat. company has hockey season tickets. See your boss at the game with a woman who doesn't look like the picture on his desk. Christmas party comes up. The wife of a co-worker will be asked to saunter over to boss' wife and comment that her new brown hair color looks much more flattering than the blonde she was sporting at the hockey game.
> 
> Oh yeah, I've seen it happen. There are ways to do it.


Funny as hell....:rofl:


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

deejov said:


> Karma is a sneaky cat. company has hockey season tickets. See your boss at the game with a woman who doesn't look like the picture on his desk. Christmas party comes up. The wife of a co-worker will be asked to saunter over to boss' wife and comment that her new brown hair color looks much more flattering than the blonde she was sporting at the hockey game.
> 
> Oh yeah, I've seen it happen. There are ways to do it.


Yep, seen it happen. 

We had this flirty-cute woman 35 at work that was sleeping around on her husband (Jason). He worked in a different dept and no-one ever saw him. He found out and divorced. A few weeks later, everyone was at a wedding for a co-worker and she was there with her "new" stud 25. 

My Boss, who is proned to awkward situations, walks over to her and introduces himself and says to her... "Hey, glad you made it. Oh, and this must be your Husband, Jason. You are so lucky to have a beautiful wife to come home to every night."

Coughing... People staring at the floor... She explains that she is divorced and her date is not Jason.

I look at him and he just smiles at me. Very funny.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I have an utmost respect for SAHM. 

It is foolish to say that "that you're at work to work and just there to get paid" like a typical careless employee one who doesn't care who is doing what or wasting what. If your employer or company heard that he wouldn't be too impressed and would definitely take that into a different context. A company owner would definitely not want employees who do not care about other employees and working as a team or the companies real needs to extricate from people who use the work place to their advantage. Real managers would understand.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I"m in Cda, and firing someone for having an affair would be akin to firing someone for being gay, or having a foot fetish, or other personal preferences.


i'm not saying they should be fired for their "preferences."


i'm talking about there being a clause in the employment agreement whereby it states that inappropriate fraternization between co-workers/employees will be dealt with possible termination. 

i just feel that they should not be accommodated given their indiscretion. some people get to work from home(remotely onsite) because they've cheated with a co-worker. are they(the company) gonna be as accepting if regular Joe Blow said, "I have a personal problem with "Doug" here. We just don't get along. Can I work something out where we don't see each other anymore." i think not. 

that's what i'm getting at. why the special treatment for them, when they f*cked everything up for themselves.


sorry for the tj, OP.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yeah, I've never worked anywhere in my industry where it was an HR policy to not have personal relationships. I'm sure it exists.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

In this day and age of sexual harassment lawsuits, having a workplace affair is tres stupid! 

My stbxh is a manager and had an affair with a younger worker, who is in a lesser position than him (temp contractor). I asked him if he ever stopped to think that she could have been setting him up for a lawsuit. She's a twice divorced, single mom of three kids whose ex-husbands don't help her financially. 

HELLO???? Did you not think she saw the BMW, the designer clothes & accessories (I'm talking LV, Gucci, etc.) and see $$$? Did you ever think that she was looking for a sugar daddy/replacement daddy? Did you ever think if things didn't go her way, she'd cry harassment?

ARGH! The stupidity infuriates me! And not just that, it was OUR livelyhood he was risking, not just his. 

If I stop and think about it, it truly blows my mind just how dangerous and ridiculous this all was/is.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> Yeah, I've never worked anywhere in my industry where it was an HR policy to not have personal relationships. I'm sure it exists.


I'm at work bored to death so I just skimmed through our Employee Rules & Regs.

While I could swear it used to be in there there is no regulation about employee fraternization anywhere now.

Funny thing though we do have a rule about cohabitation with guests (I work in a hotel).

Can't sleep with the customers but other employees are fair game.

Got it!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm a pilot, so there is obviously plenty of opportunity to have a PA without being seen. Some airlines specifically put pilots in a different hotel than the flight attendants, though these days it is less of an issue with there being many straight male flight attendants and many straight female pilots.

Over the last decade the scheduling has changed dramatically with computer optimization. We used to fly with the same crew for a whole month, doing the same routes and overnights. Now though it is a different trip and different crew every week. Optimized schedules mean long work days and short overnights. We don't get to know each other the way we used to, which reduces the likelihood of a romance starting.

The employer can be sued if they knowingly facilitate an affair. I think this is where companies are at risk.


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