# I am no longer in love or attracted to my husband..



## summersun

I know this sounds awful but I recently realized that I am no longer in love with my husband and have not been sexually attracted to him in over a year. I finally told him this last week and broke his heart. It was awful I felt horrible and because I still love him it is hard. So he very much wants to work on it and have me fall in love with him again. However I dont know if I can. I find other men attractive and wish I felt that lust at home. But I dont. I have thought of seperation in a few months although I have 3 small children that I am afraid to hurt. Do I stay in a marriage that I am not happy in? That would make everyone happy except me. But is leaving selfish? We have been together for 12 years and married for 7.5. He is a wonderful man which makes it worse. Any advice is very welcome.


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## American Arrogance

I feel the exact same way with my husband. I told him the same thing. He wants to work it out as well but I want to leave. I dont have advice to give you. Just saying you are not alone.


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## summersun

Thank you for responding...do you have children?


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## LOWR8

Hi Ladies, I am on the other side. My wife just told me this recently. We have been married for 3 but together for 6. I have gained about 25 pounds since we started dating which I have since lost most of. She states she is not as attracted to me. She wants to separate. This is only on of the reasons. Is this something that you can overcome if certain things change?


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## American Arrogance

We have 4 kids, been married 9 years. Youngest child is 2.

@ Lowr8, that is one of the reasons I am no longer attracted to him. He gained about 80 lbs since we been married and Im the one who had the kids. But thats not the only reason tho.


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## WindChat

Marriage goes through ups and downs. Get counceling especially if there are kids. They deserve at least that. I am a guy so I am a little prejudice but it seems todays women doesn't value marriage. I know my wife blames me that I didn't know she felt a certain way but she never told me and let it get alot worse. I don't read minds but I will work hard to get our marriage strong again.


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## Are You Serious? Dad

I agree with WindChat. My wife claims that there have been problems for a long time (years?), but she never told me because she didn't want to fight. WHAT THE HELL?!! Excuse me, let's see, choosing running a marriage down the tubes vs. having what MAY have been a calm disagreement? JESUS. I am so frustrated. my wife says she has no attraction toward me. She says there is absolutely no heat-passion.
Ladies, it takes 2 people to make a marriage work. Choosing to bury your head in the sand will only compound a problem. TALK. Then TALK SOME MORE. We have kids, I'm miserable- I still love her desperately. If there's even a glimmer of light- give it a chance. If not get out, let the poor guy try to pick up the pieces and get on.


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## Are You Serious? Dad

When did you start to realize the waning lust for your H? Did you do anything about it? I'm thinking that you didn't just wake up one morning and the fire was gone- like losing an earring as you slept. What do you think were the triggers? I'm asking beacause I'm looking at the same deal from the opposite side of the fence, and trying to understand. If you don't mind, how old are you, by the way- just to compare to my wife.


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## summersun

Hi, I am 40 years old and have not been attracted for over a year. What were the triggers? I am not sure, my husband is asking the same question and I honestly do not know. I still love him very much but not in the way a wife should love her husband. Or is that reality? Do you just become comfortable in life and marraige? I am going for personal consuling and I have asked my husband to join in couples aswell. He is very hurt right now tho,. He says he wants me to be happy and is giving me space and that no matter my feelings he loves me deeply and is in love with me. That actually makes the decision alot harder.. Am I making the right decision thinking of leaving? Being selfish? I have no idea..


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## American Arrogance

I’m 29 yrs old. Let me run it down from the beginning.

We married when we were 20; I already had 2 kids by then. I married not out of love but in order to join the Army so I wouldn’t have to give up custody of my children. He asked me to marry him knowing what I had planned to do. Join the Army get away from my drama filled life and raise my kids in a better environment.

Left for basic training, we communicated through letters and phone calls and realized we wanted to stay married and see how things progress. He visited me for graduation from basic. We had sex, unprotected because I didn’t have access to condoms being in training but he never came prepared. I should’ve known better. Got pregnant and found out in AIT. Was kicked out because of it (I was going to get an abortion but one of my battle buddies snitched to the Drill Sgt). So now I’m back home, he wanted to keep the baby. I become a stay at home with 3 kids. He is military and works from 4am-4pm. He would come home and ***** about me not having dinner cooked soon as he walked in the house, the kid’s room’s area mess with toys everywhere and he plops his ass on XBOX and plays for hours.

I ended up being the only one to help our kindergarten kid out with homework, ADHD son who has language development issues, and an infant. Feeding them, entertaining them, bathing them and getting them ready for bed. Our infant slept in our room, he would want sex soon as we get to bed and then I was up most of the night with the baby because he couldn’t be bothered for a feeding or whenever she cried.

I would get up when he got up drop him off at formation, come home to get the other kids ready for the day. Clean up and do shopping. 

I got tired of being a stay at home mom because I never got any help and on his free time he would drive off to be alone or play Xbox lives for hours. Didn’t care to participate in family activities because it was repetitive. He didn’t like chuck e cheese but the kids did. We never had time together and the sex was horrible because I felt like he didn’t care about trying to please me. I just felt like he was having sex with me cuz I was available.

I had no friends, no close by family. We live about 50 miles away from any family of friends and we only had one car.

2003 he got sent to Korea. I became a single mom of 3 kids. I had alot of stress with my job and daycare issues. Job wasn’t lenient about my children. I had no family readily available to help out. So I left and got a new job, moved closer to the new job and family. So now I had family able to take the kids whenever I needed help. Less stressful job and more money.

I started go to college. Hubby calling from Korea either at night when I should be sleeping or calling me during work hours. He stopped calling at night because I complained I needed to get sleep in order to function at work. So then he would call (I think Korea had a 12 hour difference) between 9-10 am. At first it was ok but then when it became a daily occurrence and talking for at least 60-90 mins at a stretch, some co workers started to complain. I had to explain to my supervisors why I needed to talk to my husband so long due to him being in the service and in Korea. They told me to talk for only 30 mins. So I had to inform hubby that we couldn’t talk as much and that he couldn’t call me daily. 

He became angry and saying I didn’t love him and yada yada yada. Just became really bad when talking on the phone. 

He came back from Korea, I didn’t hug him. It just felt weird to be affectionate with him at this point.

We tried to have a normal life but I already had a routine set up and he was just getting in the way. I think I may have made him feel like he is not needed. But technically he wasn’t because I was used to doing things on my own and without his help.

Now 2004, I started looking into buying a home cuz the interest rates were low and he had a VA we could use. He got out the Army, and got a job. We moved into our new home. Life didn’t get better, it just became tolerable. It was neither good nor bad but he would complain about how he hated the house and he wished he never signed the loan papers and yada yada yada. Well in the home search he told me to find the house and we will move in. He didn’t want to help in the home search; he just gave me his requirements the home had to have....basically a finished basement, 3 levels and a backyard.

Our relationship never progressed. He didn’t want to go on vacation with me. He never could remember my birthday, or our anniversary. I would give him gifts that I knew he wanted but when it came to giving me gifts it seemed like he didn’t hear anything I said. He would get me gifts he knew I hated such as flowers, teddy bears and chocolate. I never liked this of that nature. But he claims it was the thought that counts.

Countless times I wanted to just go somewhere with just him and I but he would turn me down with the "I have no money". I never asked him for money. I clearly had my own money to pay for us to go on vacation. So after awhile I just started to plan vacation without him. We didn’t go out to eat nor to anything that catered to our sanity as a couple.

He didn’t fully participate as a parent either. In 2006, I became pregnant again. But this time I wanted to keep the baby, lost my job (which he says was my fault) due to being pregnant; he asked for an open marriage which I agreed to but then a month later found out he was on craigslist looking for men. He had a relationship with another woman which I seen an email where he told her he loved her but he said that was a joke because on the phone she said she loved him but then told him she didn’t meant to say it. So in email he said it to her as a joke.

What little relationship we had deteriorated due to distrust and dishonesty on his part. Now I started snooping in his emails, text msgs and whatever else I could get a hold of. Uncovered a lot of things I wish I never had but glad I did.

I suggested marriage counseling throughout our marriage but he would decline going because first reason, that’s what white people do, 2nd reason that just means were getting a divorce and now 3rd reason why cant we just talk to each other.

In the end as I look back on almost everything in our marriage, I sacrificed a lot more than he did. I was ready for the family life early on but he wasn’t. His excuse “I was young”. Now he says he knew there were issues in our marriage and he knew I was falling out of love with him years ago but he said he never knew it was that serious to the point of wanting a divorce. He said it didn’t dawn on him until this May when he told his latest mistress he was cooling it with her to work on our marriage.

I guess to sum it up I just felt like I was ready and he wasn’t and now he is ready but I’m done. Major thing that keeps coming up that doesn’t make me want to work it out is the craigslist thing where he was looking for men and he labeled himself as a bottom. That hurts like hell to live with a man who would and did deny everything even when I presented him with countless evidence and he never wanted to talk about it. Then finally when we did he promised to never do it again. Then a year later I happen to come across him doing it again. That is the straw that broke the camels back.


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## Loving Husband

summersun said:


> Hi, I am 40 years old and have not been attracted for over a year. What were the triggers? I am not sure, my husband is asking the same question and I honestly do not know. I still love him very much but not in the way a wife should love her husband. Or is that reality? Do you just become comfortable in life and marraige? I am going for personal consuling and I have asked my husband to join in couples aswell. He is very hurt right now tho,. He says he wants me to be happy and is giving me space and that no matter my feelings he loves me deeply and is in love with me. That actually makes the decision alot harder.. Am I making the right decision thinking of leaving? Being selfish? I have no idea..



I know this will come out harsh but tell me what have you done for the marriage to make it better?? Have you given yourself into it?? Have you made suggestions or plans to keep you connected?? The in love feeling comes and goes the more you work at it. If you sit back and expect another person to fill that you will only get a temporary high. True long lasting love is when both people contribute to the relationship to make it good. Offering themselves up to each other. I figured out the keys to a great relationship and it takes both partners trying to make the other happy without any selfish needs. Try and see what happens.


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## lastinline

summersun, I no longer want to go to work. I no longer feel the satisfaction that I once did in evaluating people. Oh, the bennies are good, don't get me wrong. I have a six figure salary. I have my own assistant. She's also cute. I have limited flexibility in my week, I mean the ability to write hours off my schedule to allow me to attend events that most people could not. I have prestige, and a good reputation within our community, but I'm just not satisfied. Something is missing. Drat.

It's taken me years to achieve these skills and tens of thousands of dollars, but it just doesn't make me happy anymore. I'm just going to walk away from it all. I'm going to throw it all away. I know people who have done nothing wrong will be effected for the worse by my decision, but ultimatley it is my life, so their needs in essence don't matter.

On my life charter, personal satisfaction and fufillment reign supreme. My patient's can find another health care provider, my family can step up and do without. Who needs a house. Who needs the little things, you know...high def tv, vacations, cell phones. Heck you can even do without a dentist for awhile.

My wife can go to work. She has a degree. It seems almost a shame she doesn't use it. She's not happy at home anyway with our 4 year old. I'm probably doing her a favor. See I don't have a responsibility to anyone but my self or should I say my Self-ISH. Yah, that's how I'll refer to myself from now on...my self-ISH. That's how I'll refer to you too... SELFISHsun.

Here's a little something you need to hear my dear...don't feel like being affectionate with your husband? Well, friggin do it anyway. The world doesn't care if your happy. Some of the most useless people I have ever encountered in my life have been obsessed with this fickle thing you call happiness. Do you know what these people are commonly called? They are called junkies, crack heads, tweakers, and so on. The very thing that they thought was liberating them, actually ended up destroying them. Don't be among their number.

Love your husband. Cherrish your family. Why, because you friggin made a solemn vow to do so. Honor it, and by doing so you'll honor yourself. It may not make you immediately happy, in fact I am sure it won't. However if you suceed in making those around you happy, in time the heat of their affection will radiate back to you, and you will feel loved by the relective warmth of your actions. If nothing else, you will have lived a noble life summersun. What you are looking for doesn't even exist my dear, at least not where you are searching for it. Love your husband and in doing so love yourself. LIL


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## MEM2020

This actually might be fixable. A few quick questions:
- Were you initially attracted to him?
- Has he changed physically? If so how?
- Is he too nice?
- Does he crowd you physically/emotionally/sexually?
- Are you having financialy problems?
- What are the differences between your H and men you do find sexy?
- How old are your kids?
- Did you say you are 40?







summersun said:


> I know this sounds awful but I recently realized that I am no longer in love with my husband and have not been sexually attracted to him in over a year. I finally told him this last week and broke his heart. It was awful I felt horrible and because I still love him it is hard. So he very much wants to work on it and have me fall in love with him again. However I dont know if I can. I find other men attractive and wish I felt that lust at home. But I dont. I have thought of seperation in a few months although I have 3 small children that I am afraid to hurt. Do I stay in a marriage that I am not happy in? That would make everyone happy except me. But is leaving selfish? We have been together for 12 years and married for 7.5. He is a wonderful man which makes it worse. Any advice is very welcome.


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## summersun

Well, that last message was harsh. And I do not agree that if I make everyone else happy I will be happy! Thats all I do as it is! Worry about everyone else and make sure all is well. Frankly that is where i believe I lost part of myself. I dont think anyone in this one life we have should live it unhappy to please someone else. 
Was I attarcted to my husband in the beginning no.
Has he gained weight no.
The men I am attracted to are the exact opposite.Yes I am 40
3 children under 6 years of age


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## MEM2020

I sent you a PM





summersun said:


> Well, that last message was harsh. And I do not agree that if I make everyone else happy I will be happy! Thats all I do as it is! Worry about everyone else and make sure all is well. Frankly that is where i believe I lost part of myself. I dont think anyone in this one life we have should live it unhappy to please someone else.
> Was I attarcted to my husband in the beginning no.
> Has he gained weight no.
> The men I am attracted to are the exact opposite.Yes I am 40
> 3 children under 6 years of age


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## Loving Husband

So you married a guy never attracted to.. Man what is this world coming too.. All I have to say is you made your bed now lie in it.. This is why the world has so many problems. People have kids fail to take responibility and then teach them to run away from problems. I really don't know what else to say other then your making a bad example of adults..


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## turnbacktime

You sound exactly like me except that I don't have kids & have just ignored the problem because I want everyone else to be happy. This does not lead to good things, because I have feelings for someone else now but still can't tell my husband how I feel. I hope you figure it out and you aren't the only one around feeling like this.


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## Ingrid

Ummm the whole point of a relationship IS ultimately selfish.

It makes absolutely no sense to ignore your needs for the supposed needs of others. That's not a relationship, that's a one-sided fantasy.

Pretending, or forcing to love someone you don't, is actually quite insulting to both parties. No grown person "needs" love SO much that denial and lies are preferred over the truth.


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## lastinline

I would humbly disagree Ingrid. For the sake of discussion, let's look at the relationship that you are currently in, or were previously in, and then let's pinpoint the timeframe in which you were happiest in that relationship. Done? Good. Now I want you to honestly answer the following question: would your collective actions during this "golden period" be best described as *selfish* or *unselfish* towards your partner.

I think that it isn't much of a reach to guess that you sellected the latter answer. Now some would argue that being *unselfish* is still *selfish* because you were doing it to get "your needs met", but were you? I find when I look at this "golden period" in my own relationship, that I was actually doing what I did because I wanted to "make my partner happy". Yes, I was acting without an expectation for any sort of return, other than a smile from her. My goals were partner oriented not self oriented. Hmmm, sounds more like altruism than selfishness. 

What is interesting though, is that the same motivation to make her "happy" and "meet her needs" in turn led to me "being happier" and "having my needs met". I guess this is where that "it is better to give than receive thing comes from". If relationships were as you put it "selfish", than charting a course of meeting one's personal needs would seem to be the most efficient way to be happy in a relationship, but is it? I mean life is short, why not cut out all of the unnecessary stuff, right? The shortest course between two points is a straight line and all that, blah, blah. Ahh, the reason for the circuitous course is that we receive the most when we give, and we grow the most when we love.

My dear Ingrid, selfish people in relationships are not happy and neither are their partners. Please, take a moment and read this board, their stories are legion. Selfish people are lonely. Selfish people are unhappy. Selfish people are dead inside, and sadly they are trying to fill a need by "giving" to themselves that can only truly be met by "giving" to another. Yes, there is risk in this, but there is also reward...so much reward. God bless. LIL


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## alwaysalone

summersun: UR NOT ALONE!! I too feel this way about my husband and I did tell him this last night. I love him, he is the father of my daughter but I am not in love with him. I love him as I would any other friend and that is all. He took it rather well, said ppl change as the years go by and the attraction isn't there or something else goes missing. And no matter how you try.

I saw some harsh words in here but I don't think they were meant in that perspective. But let me clarify a few things to everyone that really may not understand whether it be male or female. We, who are not in love with our husbands or aren't happy in a marriage, do not just wake up in the darn morning and say ****, I don't love him and I don't want to be married anymore. It comes about gradually. You hold it all in, everything that is wrong, not wanting to hurt the other. Not talking about it makes it worse. And then, it comes to a point where the one that has these feelings (or rather don't have) realizes that they are not happy anymore. We may have already try to change how we feel, which is why we never said anything to begin with. Don't condemn us, realize that all though we may share some things that have gone wrong, we may not have shared everything, due to not wanting our spouses to look like a complete A#$.

summersun, if u want to chat, shoot me a message. Telling our husbands the truth is the hardest thing that we have ever had to do.


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## alwaysalone

lastinline said:


> summersun, I no longer want to go to work. I no longer feel the satisfaction that I once did in evaluating people. Oh, the bennies are good, don't get me wrong. I have a six figure salary. I have my own assistant. She's also cute. I have limited flexibility in my week, I mean the ability to write hours off my schedule to allow me to attend events that most people could not. I have prestige, and a good reputation within our community, but I'm just not satisfied. Something is missing. Drat.
> 
> It's taken me years to achieve these skills and tens of thousands of dollars, but it just doesn't make me happy anymore. I'm just going to walk away from it all. I'm going to throw it all away. I know people who have done nothing wrong will be effected for the worse by my decision, but ultimatley it is my life, so their needs in essence don't matter.
> 
> On my life charter, personal satisfaction and fufillment reign supreme. My patient's can find another health care provider, my family can step up and do without. Who needs a house. Who needs the little things, you know...high def tv, vacations, cell phones. Heck you can even do without a dentist for awhile.
> 
> My wife can go to work. She has a degree. It seems almost a shame she doesn't use it. She's not happy at home anyway with our 4 year old. I'm probably doing her a favor. See I don't have a responsibility to anyone but my self or should I say my Self-ISH. Yah, that's how I'll refer to myself from now on...my self-ISH. That's how I'll refer to you too... SELFISHsun.
> 
> Here's a little something you need to hear my dear...don't feel like being affectionate with your husband? Well, friggin do it anyway. The world doesn't care if your happy. Some of the most useless people I have ever encountered in my life have been obsessed with this fickle thing you call happiness. Do you know what these people are commonly called? They are called junkies, crack heads, tweakers, and so on. The very thing that they thought was liberating them, actually ended up destroying them. Don't be among their number.
> 
> Love your husband. Cherrish your family. Why, because you friggin made a solemn vow to do so. Honor it, and by doing so you'll honor yourself. It may not make you immediately happy, in fact I am sure it won't. However if you suceed in making those around you happy, in time the heat of their affection will radiate back to you, and you will feel loved by the relective warmth of your actions. If nothing else, you will have lived a noble life summersun. What you are looking for doesn't even exist my dear, at least not where you are searching for it. Love your husband and in doing so love yourself. LIL


LIL: I think u were a little harsh here. I have learned a long time ago via many counselors, YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE ELSE HAPPY UNLESS UR HAPPY URSELF!!! And that goes for everything. And u say ppl wanting happiness r useless. Well ****, I am looking for happiness, true happiness, not a front. And I am far from useless. I am not in love with my husband but I love our daughter. I work full time to help pay bills, I work in an industry where being useless is always frowned upon. I work all the overtime that is needed, work, do laundry, take care of our daughter when I am not working, pick up his dirty dishes left all over, make sure he is happy even if I am not. THAT IS NOT REALITY AND WE ARE NOT USELESS.


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## Ingrid

LIL,

We'll just have to agree to disagree. When I look to the best part of my relationship, we met each other's needs, which created a cycle of my wanting to meet his needs, true, but, even that was SELFISH because it made ME feel good to meet his needs. 

Even the "perception of giving" is selfish, because there is SOME "feel good" component in that. It feels GOOD to be so in love you want to give to the other. You can't actually feel what the other person is feeling. Yes you can be tuned in and have a sense of what the other is feeling, but it's all processed through your individual self. There can be no other way!

The worst defense I see is when people get upset about one wanting to leave the relationship, and they call the "leaver" selfish. I hear "I thought we were happy, everything was going fine, and then they up and decide to leave me!" 

Well WHO is being selfish demanding or guilting the person into staying??? If the leaver GETS to the point of being so unhappy they want to leave, then it hasn't even BEEN a real relationship for a while. It's been a FANTASY because the person being left has obviously been so out of tune. How can that not be considered selfish to demand that the leaver stays? Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship with someone who is not happy with them? 

Both people need to be happy, and life, IMHO, is inherently a SELFISH venture. And that is good, it can be no other way. Because nobody can really know the best of what I really need, or what you truly need. True, good, and real relationships come from partners expressing their needs, getting their needs met, and yes, it's a cycle, and it's built in when things are going good, it SELFISHLY feels good to meet the other's needs.


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## Corpuswife

If you take away your kids and husband (hypothetically) how do you feel about yourself?


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## lastinline

Ingrid, agreeing to disagree is great for 8th grade debate class, but we are talking about universal truth, so there really is only one right answer. Where you may have misunderstood me is in the fact that you are necessarily the party "at fault." I do not know your exact situation, or even a sliver of it for that matter. There is a very real possibility that your husband through various selfish acts "F'd" up the "good thing" that was your marriage. Only you know the answer to this. My point was that nothing bad ever comes out of "selfless" love, and if both partners can continue to act in this matter marital "happiness" is assured. LIL


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## Ingrid

lastinline said:


> Ingrid, agreeing to disagree is great for 8th grade debate class, but we are talking about universal truth, so there really is only one right answer. Where you may have misunderstood me is in the fact that you are necessarily the party "at fault." I do not know your exact situation, or even a sliver of it for that matter. There is a very real possibility that your husband through various selfish acts "F'd" up the "good thing" that was your marriage. Only you know the answer to this. My point was that nothing bad ever comes out of "selfless" love, and if both partners can continue to act in this matter marital "happiness" is assured. LIL


And you can profess to know "Universal truth" without a shadow of a doubt? Sorry but I am still disagreeing with you. 

As an example... if I act in a way that makes my husband happy, but makes me unhappy... that is a possible definition of "selfless." He gets to be with an unhappy person. That diminishes me, degrades my energy, my vitality. He gets LESS of me. Do you want to be with an unhappy person? Why would you ever want that? How is that a win-win situation? It's not. 

If I act in a way that makes my husband happy while making me happy at the same time... that is WIN-WIN.. and yes, it's SELFISH. MAYBE I can determine what makes my husband happy. Maybe he can tell me. But only *I* know what makes ME happy. He can't always know, I have to TELL him or let him know in some way. There is usually a way for both parties to be happy. 

If not, they shouldn't be together. That's the definition of "incompatibility." Not everyone is compatible. Not everyone should be together. I don't believe that "love is a choice" stuff. Some people are just plain incompatible.


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## lastinline

Sure, why not Ingrid, everyone else professes universal truth...why not me. Once again though, the truth in question was that *nothing bad ever comes out of "selfless" love.* I still stand by that statement. LIL


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## Corpuswife

This is what I believe...

You can only make yourself happy. You canNOT make someone else happy. They either are or aren't.

In order to truly love someone you need to be selfless. Totally selfless-NO. It's neither black or white. 

It's not being selfish to take care and love yourself. However, if you mostly concentrate on your own well-bring, in a relationship, than you are selfish. I say...what's the point?


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## MEM2020

I totally agree with you LIL. And I also believe you walk the walk. I can tell by how consistently you post, and how you approach difficult situations. You are setting a terrific example for your children. 

Just recognize something. You have a difficult dilemma. I share this dilemma so I understand it well though I cannot for a moment claim to hold myself to as high a standard of conduct as I believe you hold yourself to. 

I am pretty sure that you would not be happy - love happy - joy happy - with a woman who is just like you personality wise. You NEED someone who is lighter, filled more with spirit then logic and more inclined to laugh and be playful then to worry about which bills to pay. I am not suggesting you find someone who is irresponsible - anyway I hope this makes sense to you. 



lastinline said:


> Sure, why not Ingrid, everyone else professes universal truth...why not me. Once again though, the truth in question was that *nothing bad ever comes out of "selfless" love.* I still stand by that statement. LIL


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## lastinline

Sorry MEM11363, I have not set a terrific example for my children. A terrific example would have been them viewing a husband who was always there for his wife. A Dad who was always available to take vacations. No in some areas I have done well, even very well, but in others I have outright failed. It was not done through intentional neglect however, but it was just the sad result of "flaws in the overall design". I'll explain more below.

In retrospect medicine is a difficult field, and it should be avoided by people looking to live lifes of comfort. It is a selfless and giving profession, and if you are truly to meet the needs of your patient's, then often it will come by neglecting the needs of another. Usually someone you love. The divorce rate is atrocious amongst medical professionals, and in my opinion it is because it is a job that "doesn't stop at the door" when you leave. "Screw someone up for life did you today dear, I'm sorry. Well maybe tomorrow you will do better." It just doesn't fly. Every mistake, every miss, stays with you, becomes a part of you. The same can be said for successes, that's how we "soldier on." 

Sorry for "jacking" your thread summersun, but your comments "cut pretty close to my heart." I've heard them before you see. The problem is I heard them from my wife and I have done "nothing wrong." I feel as though something has been stolen from me. I feel as though I have been "wronged." If you asked me if I was happy with my marriage, I would answer no, but that it is just a season. That there is a lot going on with work and kids, but that we love one another and that after the "smoke clears" and our kids get a little older, we will be able to make ourselves the priority again. There is that selfless love. I would say that the vows we made were for life, not for the moment or a mood. So no matter what, we would be there for one another, and that there is tremendous comfort in that. It might not be as "fun" as courting, but it's reassuring to know that someone always "has your back". Yes vows can be voided, but only in the pressence of affair or abuse in my humble opinion. Never can they or should they be cancelled for something so mercurial as "happiness". WTF is that? 

It's just not fair SS. Two separate standards exist. I don't mind doing more. There is a tremendous difference in "what is on our respective plates." I think I am innately better equipped to function in a high demand stressful environment than she is. However, she is better equipped to innately provide love and affection than I am. What I am saying to her, and I would say to you as well Ingrid and summerson, is that if you stop loving your husband...he will be unable to continue loving you. It's just not in us like it's in you. As men, we can reflect back love that we receive, but most of us have trouble with actually generating it. Therefore, it is dangerous in a relationship to "pull back" like this from your spouse because it almost assures that the "fire of love" will flicker and go out. My dear ladies, men and women are not the same. If you want to be loved, first you must provide love. I can assure you both that if you are not "feeling loved" it is because you have in fact stopped loving your husbands, and probably for sometime. No this is not another universal truth...but it's pretty d*mn close. LIL


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## MEM2020

LIL,

Your is hands down the best post I have ever read on TAM.

I thought it was just me - well and my father as he was the same. The only love I have inside me - and it is not enough - is that for my 3 children. But before them none at all. All my love comes from my wife - she radiates it like the sun radiates light. And she fills me with that love and I channel, and echo it back at her - but it all starts and ends with her. 

And so every once in a while I take her face in my hands and ask her the question:

What is my purpose?
And she always replies:
To love and take care of me and the children
I always ask again:
And?
She replies:
To make me happy

And I am fortunate - really truly a lucky man. It just isn't that hard to make my wife happy. She grew up in a very middle class house with great values and she has minimal need/desire for "stuff". She believes that God loves us and has blessed us with more then we need. 

As for you LIL - you have a calling. Healing is a special gift. Your wife should be honored to be loved by a healer. 

At least you can console yourself that when you missed a vacation you were selflessly fixing a sick person. I was selfishly propping up an unstable software company that went public too early. And while I did that our oldest child went completely off the rails. So I have a wonderful marriage and a mentally unstable 19 year old daughter. And much of the pain she inflicts on my kind and loving wife - is courtesy of some bad behaviors that came of age while I was protecting our share price as my stock options vested. What a bitter harvest that windfall. 




lastinline said:


> Sorry MEM11363, I have not set a terrific example for my children. A terrific example would have been them viewing a husband who was always there for his wife. A Dad who was always available to take vacations. No in some areas I have done well, even very well, but in others I have outright failed. It was not done through intentional neglect however, but it was just the sad result of "flaws in the overall design". I'll explain more below.
> 
> In retrospect medicine is a difficult field, and it should be avoided by people looking to live lifes of comfort. It is a selfless and giving profession, and if you are truly to meet the needs of your patient's, then often it will come by neglecting the needs of another. Usually someone you love. The divorce rate is atrocious amongst medical professionals, and in my opinion it is because it is a job that "doesn't stop at the door" when you leave. "Screw someone up for life did you today dear, I'm sorry. Well maybe tomorrow you will do better." It just doesn't fly. Every mistake, every miss, stays with you, becomes a part of you. The same can be said for successes, that's how we "soldier on."
> 
> Sorry for "jacking" your thread summersun, but your comments "cut pretty close to my heart." I've heard them before you see. The problem is I heard them from my wife and I have done "nothing wrong." I feel as though something has been stolen from me. I feel as though I have been "wronged." If you asked me if I was happy with my marriage, I would answer no, but that it is just a season. That there is a lot going on with work and kids, but that we love one another and that after the "smoke clears" and our kids get a little older, we will be able to make ourselves the priority again. There is that selfless love. I would say that the vows we made were for life, not for the moment or a mood. So no matter what, we would be there for one another, and that there is tremendous comfort in that. It might not be as "fun" as courting, but it's reassuring to know that someone always "has your back". Yes vows can be voided, but only in the pressence of affair or abuse in my humble opinion. Never can they or should they be cancelled for something so mercurial as "happiness". WTF is that?
> 
> It's just not fair SS. Two separate standards exist. I don't mind doing more. There is a tremendous difference in "what is on our respective plates." I think I am innately better equipped to function in a high demand stressful environment than she is. However, she is better equipped to innately provide love and affection than I am. What I am saying to her, and I would say to you as well Ingrid and summerson, is that if you stop loving your husband...he will be unable to continue loving you. It's just not in us like it's in you. As men, we can reflect back love that we receive, but most of us have trouble with actually generating it. Therefore, it is dangerous in a relationship to "pull back" like this from your spouse because it almost assures that the "fire of love" will flicker and go out. My dear ladies, men and women are not the same. If you want to be loved, first you must provide love. I can assure you both that if you are not "feeling loved" it is because you have in fact stopped loving your husbands, and probably for sometime. No this is not another universal truth...but it's pretty d*mn close. LIL


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## Lovetwo

I have been sitting here reading this thread.

TO LIL: You speak of "selfish" vs "unselfish" and by your own omission, have been on the selfish ends partly because of you practice..totally understandable but it does not make it right.

What do you say to the person who, was "unselfish" in the beginning of the relationship? I feel EXACTLY as summersun does.

I married a man and gave him every ounce of my being, we combined families, my children were very young, his older, from two other marriages living in other states. Three years into our marriage he had an "affair" which he still, to this day refuses to reveal the details of, that was almost 10 years ago. Over the last 10 years his children, ex-wives, and family have been extremely challenging to deal with. Major issues... and yet I still moved forward, taking care of the house, my children and my husband.

Like another poster said, you just don't wake up one day and say, it's over. It is gradual until whatever joy you had that got you through the day is gone, totally gone.

I feel dead inside, he was away for two weeks on business and I was the happiest I had been in YEARS... The night before he came back I cried myself to sleep.

My children are 18 and 21 now. His are 22, 27, and 30. They are all adults coming into their own and for the most part really good human beings. Although with his children there are still major issues and one of his daughters no longer speaks to him.

I just feel that I have given it all, to everyone for years I'm exhausted emotionally. I'm the forever optimist and he is ALWAYS the pessimist, another draing facet of this relationship.

I love him but I am not attracted to him physically at all. Somedays I drive home so slow or take the long way just delay being with him.

Living like this is horrible. So when you say things like, just stick it out, or just do it. I HAVE BEEN. for years, I'm only 44 years old and I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. 

No passion, no dreams, When I look at him I feel nothing, no hope for my future if I stay with him. 

I could go on forever but I will spare you all....LOL! 

To everyone: There are things you can never get back - The Stone, after the throw, The Word, after it's said, The occasion, after it's missed and The Time, after it's gone.


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## SurpriseMyself

To everyone here - please respond to the thread that is posted or post a new one. the person who originally posted should be the one you are replying to.


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## searching4marbles

I can relate to the original poster although I am the husband. I am 30 and have been married for 4 years. We have a 1 year old son. I have been unhappy for awhile and just this past summer developed intense feelings for a co-worker. I didn't even tell this woman, but mostly because I was sure she wouldn't be interested. I probably would have been willing to leave my wife for her. I eventually told my wife about this, and said I wasn't sure if I loved her anymore and we almost split up. I decided to stay and work it out but I still have doubts. Honestly the only thing keeping me is a sense of guilt and duty. My discontent varies from day to day but I am definitely not "in love" with my wife any longer. In hindsight, I'm not sure if I ever was. I just went throught the motions and settled for what I could get frankly. I feel horrible, and some days it's not so bad, but I'm not sure if I can or should have to go through the rest of life like this. I am not religious so that is not an issue at all for me.


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## sisters359

summersun, were you ever attracted to your husband, the "i want to rip off your clothes" type of desire? If not, why did you get married? 

So many people marry for the wrong reasons, and so many people think the "wife at home, husband at work" is ideal for couples. The two things together are recipe for disaster, and maybe each on its own, imho. I'm thinking about writing about it. I can't get over the assumptions people make about male/female differences that have NO basis in evidence, either, and all that needs to be corrected. Maybe marriage IS on its way out--we started off as equals who, while social, contributed equally to sustenance (women contributed as much or more to family resources, historically AND pre-historically) and that has been so diminished in our industrial economy. Just getting back to economic activity has been a huge leap forward for women, but it's not enough--we are still surrounded by myths about femininity and child-rearing, for example, that ignore our basic, competent nature. OK, getting off track. . . but I feel for you, girl.


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## nostalgia

I too feel the same way, about my husband. there is just nothing there no matter how hard you try. .. and it doesn't just happen in a day, it takes years and is very stressful.


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## Meriter

sisters359 said:


> summersun, were you ever attracted to your husband, the "i want to rip off your clothes" type of desire? If not, why did you get married?


I'll wait for summersun to answer that question and wish my wife were on here to answer it as well.
She recently told me that I treat her well, but isnt atracted to me, and i havent changed AT ALL since we married. So I guess it is fairly common based on this thread.

My difference is I am thinking of separating now and she DOESN'T want to. 

It's hard to give advice on this one. Once that cat is out of the bag, it isn't going back in. 

Only two options: get the spark back or split up.


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## Unicorn

Unfortunately, I am in the same boat. We've been married 10 years, have three children and just found out we're pregnant with our fourth. My husband is a wonderful person and a hard worker. I care about him. I would love to be able to fall in love with him again, but a lot would have to change about our relationship. We've already been to marriage counselling once - where I was the initiator and the one who did all the work. We're going to try counselling again. I DON'T want to put our children through any sort of separation or divorce. We don't argue a lot or yell in front of the children, so I'm not sure just how much they observe. If it's not hurting the children, I'd just as soon stay and be unhappy myself. 10 years is a long time to just throw in the towel.

I hope this isn't too confusing - my head is all jumbled.


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## billbo

I am the H who is no longer loved. It is clear that this took place over a long period of time. The spark is gone she wants to be selfish (her words) because she has been selfless too long. I have been reading everything I could get my hands on about this and I think what best explains it is this:

Respect. 

The woman no longer respects the man for whatever reason. And when the man hears,

I love you but Im not in love with you
I need space
Im empty or dead inside
I am not physically attracted to you
I'm tired
Im not happy and havent been for a long time

It's all about this and the man will typically think he hasn't been loving enough and starts smothering her. The absolute last thing she wants. The fact is the husband needs to give her space. And space means a lot of things. Not just freedom. In my case it means that I dont try and convince her of anything or try to get her to see your point of view. Why would she listen to someone she doesn't respect. Her mind is made up anyway. She has thought it out for a long time. By the time you have heard it it's frankly too late. You need to back off. Leave even. And the Husband needs work on himself. Make himself more positive about himself. Stronger, more confident, more emotionally stable. Only then will she start to respect him a little again. But even that may not mean much in the long run. It's taken so long to get to this point there's not much turning back and it is now a point of pride for the wife. They have built walls to protect themselves and they aren't coming down. There are some reconcilliation stories out there but they are not the likely ending to this sad state of affairs. The walkaway wife is more and more prevalent. 

Im doing my best but I am not very hopeful. But I am happy. Because I have spent so much time fixing myself that I am now confident enough to know that I will be fine no matter what happens. 

Oh and I want to reiterate the wife does NOT want to talk about it, again the pride thing, there mind is made up, they have a fantasy in their head and it DOES NOT include the husband. Talk is useless. Action is EVERYTHING. If you do 180's and completely change yourself, over a long period of time, maybe, just maybe, your actions will give her something to be attracted to again. If this is you in this situation go check out the divorcebusting.com online community as it is focused on jsut what I am talking about. There is a forum for the potential walkaway's too. If that's you. 

AS for us husbands, you CANNOT make them love you again. THEY have to do it, and they have to want to, and as I have said, the vast majority of them simply don't WANT to. If the grass is greener on the other side, and it most certainly is for them, well the only thing you can do is make your grass greener, by making permanent positive changes to everything about you. 

By the way things I did follow:

I stopped drinking
I started working out and have dropped 30 lbs in 2.5 months. 
I listened to what came out of my mouth all day. Found out I was pretty negative. About just about everything. That's unattractive. 
I now am positive. To everyone I meet. I am in control of my emotions. Stable. This is attractive.
I have now gotten a life and I live it. Get a zest for life, that is attractive.
Do not say I love you. They know it. Don't make them feel guilty for not wanting to say it. 
Do not fawn over them do not buy them gifts. They cant be bought. You will look needy. Needy is a straight path to divorce. You look pathetic. This is unattractive. 

What has this gotten me so far? Right now a wife who is happy and hasnt been in a long time. Does she love me. No. Do we have sex? Hell no. IS there any hope? Well, a sliver, which is more than I could say 2.5 months ago. But that has been 2.5 months of ACTIONS. Not words. ( although I have made the mistake a few times but I am learning). I have also been rewarded with date nights. We are dating. This is my only opportunity to try and connect. 2.5 months ago, she didn't want to date, no marriage counseling, no trying no nothing, she was done and said every one of those horrible words I listed above. 

Start now!


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## eventhedogknows

summersun said:


> He is very hurt right now tho,. He says he wants me to be happy and is giving me space and that no matter my feelings he loves me deeply and is in love with me. That actually makes the decision alot harder.. Am I making the right decision thinking of leaving? Being selfish? I have no idea..


Am brand new to this board (posted yesterday - ironically about the same thing as summersun)... your quote above is so much the same as I feel (& YES, his being so loving makes it worse), so I am unable to help you, but would like to offer to whomever asked about just "waking up one day & reallizing it"? Yes, that is kindof what happened to me. Looking back, I did make efforts to improve our relationship before I even realized myself it needed improving (guess subconsiously I knew it a long time ago or something?). It didn't help.. if you read my post, you'll find we are currently temporarily separated.


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## Unicorn

Billbo,

You hit the nail on the head. I don't want things to be over with my husband, but I don't know how to communicate everything you just wrote to him without destroying him and the chance that our marriage can actually work. We are going to start marriage counseling soon. Maybe that will help.


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## billbo

Please destroy him now. You have to if you want it to work out because we men are tools. Stubborn idiots. We don't get it until there is a crisis and then we want to fix fix fix. Doing it will be the hardest thing you have ever done I would imagine, but really he needs to know how you feel. Get him the book divorce remedy by Michelle Wiener Davis this is his fix. No need to read it yourself, it is for him. I would do this BEFORE marriage counseling. Marriage Counseling has a place and time. And I don't think that time is right now for you. Especially if he is as negative and stubborn as I was. I thought if we only talked about things and worked it out we wouldn't need counseling. I didn't need someone else to tell me what to do and think. Only after he begins to work on himself using the brilliant concepts in this book, will he be receptive to positive thinking. Then you can work on counseling. The longer you wait for things to get better, the more hardened you will get, until it is too late and you no longer care about saving the marriage. You came to get help before that. Most walkaway wives do not. And it's nearly impossible to change their mind when they have built up the walls and have planned a fairy tale existence in their mind. Anything must be better than this, is the common thought process. It doesn't have to be this way. Good luck.


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## semperfi

You, sir, are awesome. That was a superb post.


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## SouthernGrl

Lastinline---Look up the meaning of the word "projection". You are being harsh because you know the feeling.

I actually agree and disagree with Lastinline to some extent. Chasing "happiness" can be like a drug. But the line is drawn when you look inside yourself. Is it him or is it you? Are you dissatisfied with your situation and are projecting your unhappiness on to him? Or is it truly him? That's a hard one to evaluate, but really think about it before doing anything drastic. You may just need a change in your life without ending your marraige.


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## spritza

I SO had to reply to your thread. I am in a similar position - married 17 years, 3 kids under 8. Have absolutely NO desire to be intimate with him. To all those replies that say "why didn't you talk to him". You know why? 
A. it will hurt him 
B. he will then get very angry and make my life hell and 
C. by making my life hell, he makes life hell for me AND my kids. 

sorry, my life is miserable enough as it is.... 

Why point the finger at us and say we're selfish when we have been trying for years to keep everything together? Our husbands (selfish pricks that they are) are clueless and benefit from our misery. They're the ones who enjoy the benefits of married life with little or no effort on their part. I could go on but I'll just get more bitter and twisted. enough said.


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## sisters359

OP, it sounds more like you are bored than anything else, caught in a marital rut--the attraction was there but now it's gone. This sounds like a time to work on the marriage, not leave. Make the best effort you can, and include your dh in your thoughts about it as you waffle through the attempts to reconnect. They may work (and they may not). Sharing your journey with him--even if it is painful to him--is part of rebuilding connection; you don't say things just to hurt him, you analyze your feelings and share your deepest fears b/c his response will (or will not) help rebuild connection.

Fear of hurting someone is a bad reason to stay quiet when the consequences are so serious. Pettiness is not the same as honesty, but it sounds like you don't have that issue. 

As for some of the other ways this happens:



> Why point the finger at us and say we're selfish when we have been trying for years to keep everything together? Our husbands (selfish pricks that they are) are clueless and benefit from our misery. They're the ones who enjoy the benefits of married life with little or no effort on their part. I could go on but I'll just get more bitter and twisted. enough said.


Amen. And how do you know a,b, and c? Because you have tried, in the past. And he has responded by behaving like a child--refusing to change or listen or even engage in calm discussion of what was making you unhappy. So you clam up to protect the kids from a life filled with anger and pettiness. 

Life smooths out, for everyone else, but YOU know that you have made an incredible sacrifice--living in ways you hate. The kids' lives are not disrupted, and you find ways to avoid your spouse more and more. You disconnect. 

By this point, the turn-about is too late, usually--because you TRIED already. Men (usually, it is men in this situation) will claim they didn't know, had no idea--yes, they did. They know they were angry and they brow-beat you down. They know they did not listen, did not accommodate, didn't even try. They know they put their need first, their need (to get you off their back about whatever) was met, so THEY are happy. Message? YOU DON"T MATTER as long as you meet their needs.

This is probably how most marriages operate for both parties--as long as MY needs are met, the other person's happiness isn't important. I will change/react ONLY to the extent it helps keep MY waters smooth. It is completely selfish in a very short-sighted way, b/c each person had made their happiness dependent on another person! 

Imagine how different it would be if neither of you needed the other, but rather just really enjoyed that person's presence in your life. You could function perfectly well without him/her, thanks, but you get such a kick out of who they are, what they say, what they do, etc. You just cannot resist this person! If s/he expresses worries or other issues, you talk calmly about it, b/c you are so interested in what they say and how they feel, and you do not perceive their words as a threat to your perfect little world. If you are part of the problem, you decide whether or not you can change and then you communicate about it. "Wow, I didn't know that bothered you; it's no biggie for me to fix it!" or "Wow, I really cannot change that--is there some way the two of us can get around this?" You are not afraid of losing the other person b/c you love them so much you want them to be happy with or without you, and you would NEVER make them miserable for needing to move on! Their happiness is just as important as your own! 

Yeah, probably a pipe dream.


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## ppl

what are you looking for? men willing to marry someone with three young children are rare. not saying you should stay for that reason alone but maybe reason to try to work it out. dont care about stable environment for kids, just want to date? then you have other issues than your husband. do you already have replacement picked out perhaps?


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## kiwigirl

im only 24 and lost attraction to my husband too, i honestly dnt knw if its sumthing u can get bak


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## MarriedinVegas

Wow back on Nov 6 2009 at 854 posted by LASTINLINE there was a great post. I recall when my wife and I got married in Las Vegas the guy marrying us said and i quote " if you want more love, give more love, if you want more hugs, give more hugs, if you want more smiles give more smiles, if you want more give more" It is something that both of us often refer back to and it seems to have done wonders for us in our marriage, we have now been married for 18 years and still have sex everyday because both of us want to, we still have baths together each and every time, we still hold hands every day we go for a walk, we still say I love you each night before we fall asleep, we still rub each others backs and feet, we do everything for the other person that we would like done for us. And without saying it , it seems to work. the famous saying is " do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I know thats from some religious thing ( we do not attend church or have a need for it ) but it seems to be a great thing " treat others the way you want to be treated " selfish ??? Yes but it is also selfless.


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## MarriedinVegas

kiwigirl said:


> im only 24 and lost attraction to my husband too, i honestly dnt knw if its sumthing u can get bak


Do you know why you lost your attraction to him?


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## LVTXDIVA

my situation is worse...by my own fault fell in love with my boss and while he enjoyed my company and being sexual there was never any romance. we continued our relationship while he had a girlfriend and several ladies too but I loved him and gave him the chance to decide me or them...he chose his single life back in 2004. THen I found out we were pregnant and at the 3 month he had started a new job and I was starting to miscarry so I called him to come get me and take me to hospital and he said straight out (being embarrassed at his work) and said he could not - so I had to call my dad meanwhile I am bleeding and in pain and he never even called to see where I was at or visted me after. It was not until about three weeks later that he decided to come over to tell me he loved me and wanted me to be his. I accepted but my family was unable to support his nasty ways and gradually accepted him because of me. we then move in and no romance, never told me I was beautiful, no passion, adoration, lust, tenderness nor compassion just our friendship that we had developed since 2001. I thought it would change and I so wanted children and he kept saying yes and promised to get checked since we had a difficult time getting pregnant again and so we get married 2010, buy a house and 2 dogs...seems like fairytellish but no..by this time no intimacy, no makeuout sessions just me being fat and him and his work. he gets this profound offer to move to norcal and there I go...leaving everything behind and feeling sad, broken and lost inside and the whole time he never saw the sadness in my eyes. he just never learned who I was, what I needed, what I wanted and how I needed attention...so unfortunately I have been having an affair with a man that by Lord coincidence went thru the same experience with his wife and although he has children he expressed that I could inherit them if we stayed together. that was the sweetest gesture and I have been in love with him because he is true not fake like my husband was...I had been seeking what he has orovided from love, compassion, lautghter and although we have little money I know we were meant to become a couple. He is the one and for this I cannot go back to my husband because I lost attraction and feelings altogether. he made me numb and someone else filled my void. I am happy but sad for him because he wants me back and he is 11 years older than me but I do not trust him...oh did I mention he has had erectile dysfuntion since 2004 and never shared it with me...we could never really share personal things like that which makes me wonder why we stayed together so long...his journey embracing himself now will allow a love that will be his match. my match is my new heart and he will do anything for me. thank you for reading...thoughts?is is the right decision to stay with my lover?


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## karole

Zombie Thread...................................


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## confused_wife79

alwaysalone said:


> summersun: UR NOT ALONE!! I too feel this way about my husband and I did tell him this last night. I love him, he is the father of my daughter but I am not in love with him. I love him as I would any other friend and that is all. He took it rather well, said ppl change as the years go by and the attraction isn't there or something else goes missing. And no matter how you try.
> 
> I saw some harsh words in here but I don't think they were meant in that perspective. But let me clarify a few things to everyone that really may not understand whether it be male or female. We, who are not in love with our husbands or aren't happy in a marriage, do not just wake up in the darn morning and say ****, I don't love him and I don't want to be married anymore. It comes about gradually. You hold it all in, everything that is wrong, not wanting to hurt the other. Not talking about it makes it worse. And then, it comes to a point where the one that has these feelings (or rather don't have) realizes that they are not happy anymore. We may have already try to change how we feel, which is why we never said anything to begin with. Don't condemn us, realize that all though we may share some things that have gone wrong, we may not have shared everything, due to not wanting our spouses to look like a complete A#$.
> 
> summersun, if u want to chat, shoot me a message. Telling our husbands the truth is the hardest thing that we have ever had to do.







This message is from a long time ago but I am wondering..... did you leave your husband? Did you get a divorce? Did you get back together? How is life now?


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