# How did we get here?



## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Help me out here, guys. Married 12 years. I don't know what has happened to our sex life but it's gotten pretty short, quick, and to his point. Basically it's when he wants it, he stretches out while I do the stimulation, then he gets his and we're done. I enjoy some of it, but by no means have any release or satisfaction. 

When I'm in the mood, 3 out of 4 times it's a no-go. When he's in the mood, it's nearly always a go - I've never wanted to deny him unless I'm really not wanting to, which is rare. I've always felt like this is the "wife" thing to do, and always felt good, maybe even proud (?) about that. 

So how did we get to this place? We haven't made love in years, basically he jacks off in me (I'm sorry for the crudity, but it's the truth). I try and do the things that turn him on - wear my hair, clothing, makeup as he likes it, etc and yet I still have to flat-out ask for compliments. I never get compliments, a kiss, a hug, etc from him without asking unless he wants sex. NEVER. Yet I'm complimented from time to time by other men - strangers. How can a stranger compliment me and yet get nothing from my husband? I try to grab him every now and then and give him a slow loving kiss, quick pecks on the cheek, I rub his feet, hug him when he gets home, rub his back or touch him in some way when I pass him, leave him a voice mail from time to time to just tell him I was thinking of him. Yet from him, I get.... nothing?

I try to slow things down in the bedroom, but it's clear he wants sex, not love, and wants it dirty and to his satisfaction. Several times he's mentioned envying a friend of ours who has an open marriage, wishing he could have a girlfriend too, wanting to go to Vegas to the bunny ranch, etc. I've never had a problem with him having porn as long as it was hidden and in moderation - I consider it healthy to a point, but in the last 6 months more and more DVD's have been arriving in the mail and it's porn with odd themes and very rough sex - different than before.

I can feel us slipping away - it's been going on for years and is becoming more and more apparent. I recently ran into an old boyfriend that was shocked at how little I've changed in all these years. I inspire more admiration and desire in others than I do in my own spouse. Please don't get me wrong - I don't want anyone else, so that makes this hurt even more. I'm just clueless - I want to feel that connection and desire from my own spouse.

Any ideas?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

It really seems that he has let the porn take a really unhealthy dominance over his thresholds, which may be obvious, but I can't help but wonder what methods you used to apply the brakes through the years in the the lovemaking? Does he really know how you feel? If so, its sad to say that it may take a discussion of real consequences to make him wake up.

And just to state what every man will likely think while he reads this, you are an amazing wife for reaching out like you do, and it sounds like you really deserve more. Seeing this makes me wonder if he just takes you for granted, a very stupid mistake.

I think it is time for a frank discussion, and maybe minus the consequences just now, but to let him know that he has a choice to work on this, or you will begin to put some boundaries in place that equalize the emotional giving in the relationship. If this doesn't help, then it depends upon you as to whether you are willing to push consequences, such as separation.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'll add that if you are looking for input from guys, you might consider adding this thread to the Men's forum. There are some great people here, and you deserve some help from those who might understand your husband's mindset.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> It really seems that he has let the porn take a really unhealthy dominance over his thresholds, which may be obvious, but I can't help but wonder what methods you used to apply the brakes through the years in the the lovemaking? Does he really know how you feel? If so, its sad to say that it may take a discussion of real consequences to make him wake up.


Maybe that's part of the problem - I've never applied brakes. Sometimes it was slower, sometimes faster - I just assumed that whatever the mood was... go with it and enjoy. But over the years the "cruise" has been set at this pretty predictable speed. The other night - after - we were lying there and I asked if we could try foreplay for both and finish for both next time. He had to think on it for a minute - and that's when it hit home that this is ridiculous. By no means should that be something that needs to be asked for..... I LOVE that look on his face when I'm pleasing him - I seek it out. Why doesn't he have even a little bit of that same drive to see it in me?



Halien said:


> And just to state what every man will likely think while he reads this, you are an amazing wife for reaching out like you do, and it sounds like you really deserve more. Seeing this makes me wonder if he just takes you for granted, a very stupid mistake.


Thank you. You have no idea how that makes me feel. I've always been that girl that was comfortable with the guys - after hearing them all talk for years and complain about various sex issues, I never wanted those to be our issues. Basic "guy needs" seem pretty simple and easy to please to me. So to me (and this is only to me and my situation), it seemed like trying to be pleasing and accomodating, within some flexible boundaries, in the bedroom wasn't a major obstacle for me to overcome. I assumed he'd be proud of it when his buddies were complaining about their spouses - help him to appreciate me more. But I guess not.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree with Halien. Each spouse has a duty to meet the needs of the other. It sounds like you're taking care of your husband and he's been too lazy to take care of you.

However, you can't expect your husband to provide what you don't ask for. Men are really lousy telepaths.

Sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Try your best to accept responsibility for not communicating. Your husband shouldn't feel like it's an intervention where you're telling him how lousy he is at sex. Apologize for not telling him what you need. Then, tell him what you need.

Good luck.


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## HopefulHusband (Jun 29, 2011)

Sounds like your husband is lost in the fantasy world that porn has provided. Does he take care of himself when he watches porn? In my opinion you should be his only outlet for sexual release, to have other sources creates conflict in both he and you. I think you need the affection and attention to make you feel more attracted to him. I hope he is open to working on your relationship, be direct with him, subtle suggestions do not work with most men. There are lots of great marriage books out there and you sound like a great wife.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

I feel for you, my wife has become the same way. I don't "f" her anymore b/c it's not what I want. It's been a solid 10yrs since we made love and I want it back, I want to cum w/ her and not her getting off and getting off while I'm still going! I waited 4 weeks to "f" her and she was a little better but I was still left unsatsified. I wish I knew the answer!!
Mouse


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Lovingwifewannabe, 

This is just a quick question, do you know if your husband's family life when he was growing up was filled with affection from his parents and such? Perhaps, he does not understand how to meet your needs because that was never ingrained in him.

Not to mix stories of bad marriage situations that are very real and emotionally hurtful for you (I feel for you and your situation). However, I have known a woman who was in a relationship where the husband was very controlling over the intimacy in which "that" and the rest of the marriage were controlled by him.

She knew that his family upbringing and the marriage of his parents consisted of a control dominance situation over his mother. The pattern of control was passed down to his marriage with her. 

I do not know if that could be a relevant issue in your husband's control issues, but if you know it to be relevant then it may be something to use to pin point a possible cause of the issue you now face.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sounds like he should read a book called "she comes first". You are being taken for granted terribly. You are doing all the work when he is the one with issues that need to be addressed. 

Its time to toss the trash cans over. stop reaching to try and fix it withdraw and make him start reaching out to you. It won't be easy to do cause I can tell by your post that you are normally the one who reaches out and tries to hold everything together but you must do it. 

He will never get it if he doesn't feel the same type feeling you are having to deal with.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I can now understand why you wrote the other post about having a stronger connection with someone other than your husband and why you reacted so defensively to my other post. You sound deprived of affirmation and attention and every woman needs that in a marriage. Without it, it is easy to swoon when other men give you something you feel you are lacking from your spouse.

It stinks when your spouse is not meeting your emotional needs. Have you asked your husband for what you need in a way that he can understand? Would he be willing to go to couples counseling? A good therapist (psychologist) can help you both communicate better about what you each need to be happy in the marriage and safely discuss the difficult (and justified) feelings that you are having. 

Your husband sounds clueless about what you need and pretty insensitive. I hope you can get some help to fix things.


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