# Where does the sex drive go?



## Mrs. Woman

I'm new to all of this so I'm sorry if I tend to ramble. 

My husband & I have been married for almost a year & this is both the 2nd time around for both of us. We both have 2 kids each from our previous marriages & are trying to have 1 together, but 8 months later & 1 miscarriage later, we're not having any luck. He works & I'm a stay at home mommy. 

Anyways, lately I have little to no sex drive whatsoever. It is slightly depressing that I had no problem getting prego with my 2 kids & that we're having problems getting prego now, so that brings my spirit down. It used to be that sex was considered the 'icing on the cake' and not something neither one of us felt we had to do all the time like most people, but that it is a special connection between the 2 of us that isn't suppose to be a routine action without the love & intimacy involved. Now, our sex life feels just like that...it's just sex & the love & intimacy has disappeared. I don't feel that strong, intimate connection with him anymore & sometimes feel like I'm just here for him to get off. I went through that with my first marriage...I don't want that to happen with us!

Another issue, I feel that he's very flip-floppy with a lot of things & a major one being our sex life. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to make love to my husband...I'm the one initiating (which I never really did before, but he's drawn me out of that one-sidedness & I have no problem doing it now) & I get shut down for reasons such as: it's late & I have to get up early in the morning, or I've gotta meeting in the morning, or I don't feel like it tonight & we'll do it tomorrow (which when tomorrow comes, it never happens) or he's had too much to drink & is just flat-out passed-out!

Now granted, I have my fair share of excuses (I'm tired, headache, on my period, gotta be up early to tend to the kids, etc.) also so I'm not at all innocent in all of this by any means, but in the beginning I was asked to try & initiate more so it wasn't so one-sided, which I've come out of my comfort zone to do & enjoy it! I'll let him know when he gets home from work with flirty gestures or sending him txt msgs throughout the day letting him know I want him later that night, etc. & when later that night comes, I get shut down. Throughout the day, I may get txt msgs from him saying he's in the mood & wants to do things later, but 9/10 times it doesn't happen whether it's because it ends up being too late & he needs his sleep or by the time he's ready to go to bed, I'm flat out exhausted! Ugh...I hate this!

I miss him not being able to keep his hands off me from the moment he walks in the door from work & sneaking passionate kisses when the kids aren't looking. I miss him breaking my cycle when I'm cooking or cleaning, just to take me in his arms & take my breath away for just a second. I miss intimate make out sessions before the love making or even just something simple like taking my hand & kissing it, not even having to say anything, but to just look in his eyes & seeing the love in his eyes. Oh how I miss the little things!

One major issue of his (and not so much for me) is me having an orgasm. Not to say I don't have any b/c just about every time we make love, I have one...it's just not a big one & most of the time, nothing he can feel himself. But I do have them & he thinks I'm faking a lot of times & saying I had one just to make him feel good. I don't fake & I don't lie to my husband about anything! I DO have orgasms & although they may be little ones & every now & then big ones, which neither he has ever felt, having an orgasm isn't as important to me as the love & intimacy being made between us. He tells me that he feels inadequate & starts finding things to say that make me feel like I'm an inadequate lover for him! Ugh...I'm so confused & it's putting a wedge between us.

How do we get back to the way it used to be? He says I've lost all interest for him sexually & he has decided to sleep in another room. Hello?!?! We're not in our 80's! We're in our 30's!! It's not that I've lost interest, but lately it just feels like it's all about him being satisfied: having sex b/c he wants to, when he wants to no matter how I'm feeling at the time, or wanting a BJ (which he's known from the very start that I don't like doing those b/c of medical reasons & I get no satisfaction from it when I need a release also, etc.), but I do them anyway for him; it's one thing him not wanting to do anything, but if I reject him, I'm the selfish one!

Someone just please help me help us! If I'm wrong, I can handle it...I'm a big girl & I can take the heat if I'm being a selfish, inconsiderate wife. I'm just at my wits end & don't know what to do!

Thanks,
Mrs. Woman


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## less_disgruntled

> I don't feel that strong, intimate connection with him anymore & sometimes feel like I'm just here for him to get off.
> 
> [snip]
> 
> I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to make love to my husband... I get shut down for reasons such as: it's late & I have to get up early in the morning, or I've gotta meeting in the morning, or I don't feel like it tonight


First you think you're just there to get him off, then you want sex? You're disappointed b/c it's perfunctory even though you're trying to get pregnant, and your husband isn't interested? You both know that the sperm needs to get from his testes to your uterus, right? Your man getting whiskey **** is something every woman should learn to deal with, but your man getting whiskey **** when you're both supposed to be trying to get you pregnant is... passive-aggressive.

I'm just going to take a wild guess and say that you both don't want any more. You were happy before you got married with the kids from the previous marriages, after all, weren't you? Why do you both feel compelled to do something that it sounds like neither of you really want? Both of your respective parents have grandkids. Where's the pressure coming from?


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## Mrs. Woman

Ok...lets see here...

We both love making love with each other & when we do, it is spectacular...when the intentions of being closer to each other is there & it's just not a 'get in, get out & hit the sack'. 

Problem is, we both have our times when we're not in the mood & I understand that's expected & he does too! We just don't know how to get the flame going again & to protect it from burning out or making the other feel like it's burned out.

I love my husband with all of my heart & soul as he does with me also & never fails to tell me so. Despite our intimacy problems, we've never been happier in our lives & the same goes for our children as well. 

I (we) don't know how to get over the hump of excuses that makes the other feel inadequate when that's not the case at all & get that full connection back. 

How do I jump back on the train without feeling like I've been defeated in my needs & please him at the same time? Does that even make any sense? lol


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## striving

What if you both sat down somewhere to talk it through - maybe go to a restaurant or somewhere so that you have to sit and concentrate on the conversation and not be interrupted or no one gets to walk off, slam doors, or cry? 
Could you each make a list of 3 things that you'd like the other to do - either in the bedroom or in general? It helps to have something concrete and specific. It would help if you could nail down exactly what you need from him, and vice versa.
There are some conversation rules that help when talking about something complicated and delicate like this: use a spoon (or other object) to take turns speaking so that the other doesn't interrupt - whoever has the spoon in hand has the turn to speak. Then also the other person starts with affirming what the other just said, like "I hear you saying that I have lost sexual interest in you." and then continue with how you feel. It helps to do those things so that each understands the other, etc.
Could you also go back and do those things that you did at first - those courtship things like planning and going on a date, love notes, flowers, etc...to spark the relationship? Maybe find out why you don't feel close?
I would definitely object to sleeping separately. That sounds hurtful and vindictive. It also separates you more than just sexually.

I probably shouldnt' be giving you suggestions, anyway! Lol! Most of the time I hate sex and only do it so that my husband will be kind to me the next day. Usually he's in a bad mood and very negative, always the dark thundercloud when he's around. So sex makes him a bit kinder the next day and it's worth it to me just for that. Sad. But my reality nonetheless. I wish I wanted it, but I don't feel attracted to him for the above reason. Hard to be intimate with someone who makes life so depressing and difficult.

But anyway, good luck to you! I hope you guys can talk and work it out.


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## SimplyAmorous

Mrs. Woman said:


> We both have 2 kids each from our previous marriages & are trying to have 1 together, but 8 months later & 1 miscarriage later, we're not having any luck. He works & I'm a stay at home mommy.


I can tell you from 6 yrs of striving to conceive a 2nd baby, worrying about it can throw HUGE kinks into your sex life. I cared nothing about the pleasure, all I wanted was his sperm, and he felt hurt that our sex life was reduced to that. Like you mentioned, it became a "routine action". 

My husband always wanted to please, I never felt like he was just getting off though. That seriously wouldn't have bothered me too much (or so I think). My eyes were on the prize (baby) not the pleasurable journey (the connected love making) -He tried the best he could, I was the problem. 

Walking in these shoes, I can see how women can get so sidetracted, to shelf the beautifulness of love making -during this STRESSFUL time. I do regret these things. 





Mrs. Woman said:


> & I get shut down for reasons such as: it's late & I have to get up early in the morning, or I've gotta meeting in the morning, or I don't feel like it tonight & we'll do it tomorrow (which when tomorrow comes, it never happens) or he's had too much to drink & is just flat-out passed-out!......
> 
> I have my fair share of excuses (I'm tired, headache, on my period, gotta be up early to tend to the kids, etc.)


Both of you are guilty here. YOu want to break this trend, if it continues you will both feel slighted, hurt & the revolving doors of rejection will continue to sting. Maybe a little planning is in order here. 

Even if you have kids at home, so long as you have a lock on your bedroom door, all is possible. Set the alarm an hour before work, go to bed a couple hours earlier. Make it a date with hours to spare for much sensual touching, kissing, lovemaking. Spice it up - since you are the original poster, let this start WITH YOU >>> *we have a tremendous impact on our spouses, our attitudes, our enthusiam*. 

If you want to jump start the Passion- please your husband, be determined to knock his socks off. Consider a book like this : Amazon.com: Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (9780060834395): Ian Kerner: Books 

Learn to be a Pleaser. This may well be infectious to your husband as well- in giving back to you. 



Mrs. Woman said:


> I miss him not being able to keep his hands off me from the moment he walks in the door from work & sneaking passionate kisses when the kids aren't looking. I miss him breaking my cycle when I'm cooking or cleaning, just to take me in his arms & take my breath away for just a second. I miss intimate make out sessions before the love making or even just something simple like taking my hand & kissing it, not even having to say anything, but to just look in his eyes & seeing the love in his eyes. Oh how I miss the little things!


I hear you ! I would miss these things too- but (again) let them start with YOU, someone has to start the fire ! 

This thing about husbands FEELING orgasms, I don't understand that at all. Men can not really tell one way or another with us, maybe he misses your enthusiam before you both came into this rut, he feels your lost of desire & he is making a deal out of it -possible? 



Mrs. Woman said:


> How do we get back to the way it used to be? He says I've lost all interest for him sexually & he has decided to sleep in another room. Hello?!?! We're not in our 80's! We're in our 30's!! It's not that I've lost interest, but lately it just feels like it's all about him being satisfied: having sex b/c he wants to, when he wants to no matter how I'm feeling at the time, or wanting a BJ (which he's known from the very start that I don't like doing those b/c of medical reasons & I get no satisfaction from it when I need a release also, etc.), but I do them anyway for him; it's one thing him not wanting to do anything, but if I reject him, I'm the selfish one!


 Medical reasons for not performing oral? You have my curisity on that one. 

This is how I feel on this.... This rekindling has to start with someone, you are the someone seeking advice....so ...... If you love your husband, you will WANT to please him sexually, you will not allow him to sleep in the other room , you will go & physically pull him back in your bedroom & seduce him to show him you "WANT HIM" and want to please him, bring a smile to his face, give him something to get up for every morning and go to bed smiling about. 

His pleasure will be your pleasure. And YOUR pleasure should also be His Pleasure. The fact he cares that you have an orgasm -I personally do not think that is a bad thing. Good Lovers usually want to know they are satisfying their partners, that is very meaningful to them. For some, it may be an Ego boost, but for many (like my husband) -he truly feels pleasure from giving ME pleasure, he would even feel a little empty if I did not get mine. This is the spirit of a Giving Loving Husband. 

This sounds like a great book - Amazon.com: The Passion Parties Guide to Great Sex: Secrets and Techniques to Keep Your Relationship Red Hot (9780767924375): Pat Davis: Books


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