# I married a former lesbian... who never told me. I am struggling help



## David Carns

I've been married to my wife for 2 years now. My wife is 27 and I am 32. We have a 8 months old son. She is a wonderful, incredible mother. We have been together for a little over 4 years now. We are a happy couple, with a "average" sex life and we have had our ups and our downs, until a few months ago, I always trusted my wife, that changed in April. I found out she had been texting a guy for a year and a half. She changed his name in her phone, so I wouldn't think anything of it. She called him "Courtney" and she would text him several, several times a day. His real name was Teddy and Teddy lived about 600 miles north of us, they exchanged numbers a year and a half ago, after talking so long on a phone app (Dice with Buddies) and they "just became good friends." He knew she was a married woman, but he as well "saw her as just a friend..."

However, I looked through her phone one day in April and found pictures of him (dressed) and that this "Courtney" was really a guy, she had been lying to me about and how they would message each other literally sometimes a hundred times a day. He would sometimes ask sexual questions, ie: Have you ever tried anal? How many guys have you been with.. etc. She answered them. She also vented to him when we would argue and some of the text messages I read, were the worst things I ever read in my life. One time she wrote to him... "The biggest regret I have is marrying my husband." Those words still haunt me to this day.

My world came crashing down when I told her I knew who "Courtney" was and I wanted to know everything. We talked and cried for hours. She blocked him, and deleted him off every type of social media they were associated with. I was devastated, on the the verge at times to just call it quits. However, she talked me through everything and allowed me 100% use of her phone and anything I wanted. Passwords to Facebook, email, any social media, etc with access to check anything I want. She told me there were no more secrets and she would be 100% honest from then on out about everything and no more lies, or secrets. As hard as it was, I had no choice, but to believe her.

Long story short... I have had many hard days and hard times, but I have spoken with her and she has been there to answer anything I have asked. My trust for her was gone completely and would take awhile to get back... and it started to. Every now an then, I would dig deeper into past Facebook messages, posts, or emails from years ago, even before we were married. Well, last month my world came to a shatter. I had found about a dozen or so emails from my wife in the sent trash folder dating from 2007-2012 emailing another girl about sex, going down on her, how much she loved her, pictures of them kissing, etc. It made me so sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe it. I thought, this can't be her, I would have never imagined she was a lesbian. So I printed all the emails and saved them to my hard-drive. After she got home from work, I told her I wanted to know her biggest secret. She couldn't tell me. She didn't have any idea I already knew. So I told her I knew about "Audra" and she told me she was so embarrassed and ashamed and thought I would have never married her if she told me before we got married, or if she told me after I found out about the text messages form Teddy, she thought for sure I would divorce her.

I got a hotel that night. I was disgusted. I didn't want to see her. I needed to think straight. I couldn't believe she lied to me. She confessed, she was a closet lesbian with her best friend for almost 6 years. She lost her virginity to her and they did everything lesbians do, just in the closet. They lived with one another after graduation and it was a big family secret. Only her siblings, parents and grandparents knew. It wasn't on any social media, talked about with any friends and not PDA. She told me she wanted to tell me so many times before, but knew inside she couldn't. She didn't have the courage too, and she thought I wouldn't accept it and would leave her.

I told her, the LYING about not sharing this secret with me, hurt more than the fact that she was a lesbian (or bi-sexual) and it's something I should have known about BEFORE we got married. She told me she was ashamed and embarrassed that she was with her girlfriend for so long and she didn't want that lifestyle. She told me she realized she wanted kids, was also attracted to guys and wanted a family, something Audra couldn't give her. She also never wanted to be "out" and had feelings for guys too. She wanted to live a straight lifestyle, so she tried to cover up any skeletons she had in her closet and hide as much as she could, never thinking I would ever find out. She deleted pictures, posts, messages, emails, etc anything even close to something about her and Audra.

I am struggling accepting my wife's baggage. I have good days and bad days. My bad days SUCK. She tells me I can ask any questions and talk to her anytime. As far as I know, since I found out she has been truthful and open about the questions I have. I feel like I am alone when I have bad days. I struggle knowing I am a victim of complete dishonesty and feel like I was manipulated into marrying a former lesbian. I fear, she will go back with a girl someday, even though she has told me now hundreds of times in the past few weeks that she has zero interest in being with a girl. I just can't understand-being a straight male ever wanting to be with a man, so I can't truly believe she doesn't have interest in girls. And being with a girl for SIX years of her life... is a lot different then just experiencing at a young age. 

She told me she was very embarrassed with that part of her life and put it so far behind her, that's why she never told me. She told me she was with this girl because she was her very best friend growing up and was the first person to show her appreciation and love. She was 15 when they first had sex and loved it. She never had sex with a guy until she was 22. She broke up with Audra (Her ex-girlfriend) when she was 21, (3 months after they starting living full time with one another when they both graduated from college.) Before that they would see each other all the time and stay with one another in their apartments on campus. It bothers me to think... they had lesbian sex every way imaginable. If you don't enjoy that... how can someone do that for that long and pretend that is not really them? I cannot understand that.

She figured I wouldn't be able to accept it if she did so she figured she would never tell me. What hurts the most... is she lied. We talked about exes, our pasts, our secrets before marriage... and this all came out to me, finding out on my own as a HUGE shock.

To this day, my wife says she is not a lesbian, or a formal lesbian, or even bisexual. She says she sees it as she was in a relationship with a girl for six years, but didn't like the classification label as "Lesbian" She was very embarrassed and in the closet to tell anyone besides the immediate family. I just can't process how someone can live a lesbian lifestyle with another female for that long- and simply turn straight. I am bothered by the fact that she has gone down on her girlfriend more than I ever gone down on her and probably all the girls I have been with put together. I am extremely bothered by the fact that she lied to me and never told me her past and most importantly struggle with the fact that I truly don't know if one day she will leave me for another girl, even when she tells me she has no interest--- but the facts are there and I don't know how to trust her. To top it off, the other day, I asked her, if Audra would have proposed to her to marry her, if she would have said yes then. She said she would have, but would never have officially married her. I can't imagine ever wanting to marry someone I know I am not supposed to be with... so I don't understand. I can't help but think, she still has feelings for this girl sometimes because of being with her for so long...but because society says it's not right to be with someone of the same sex, then she brainwashed herself to live a straight life. I do not get it.

My wife has been in a sexual monogamy relationship with 5 people now including myself. Audra for six years, then three guys before me, for just 3-4 months each. Since finding out, she knows I have contacted her 3 ex boyfriends, as well as her ex girlfriend. I needed facts... and didn't trust my wife. Each one of them stated that that they believed she was never a cheater and that my wife broke up with them- they actually all had positive things to say for the most part about her. She was kind, caring and compassionate and would never thought of her as a cheater. 

To top off everything... I have always been a clean person. Protected myself sexually with every partner I have had, with using protection and caution as well as annual check ups. A year after my wife and I started dating, she got a check up (she does hers annually as well) and for the first time she came back positive with HPV. I had been tested and clean before we started dating and we dated for a year with both of us being clean, then to find out the second time she got checked up after we were together, she had HPV. So ofcourse, I got it too. Even though I am probably wrong- I blame it on her ex-girlfriend. It's just easy for me to... a few weeks ago she had a biopsy. It came back with some pre-cancerous cells and now her doctor wants to put a "leep" (simple surgery) in her to clean out those cells. We both don't know how we got HPV... or even how long it takes to show signs/symptoms of it, but it is what it is now. My wife also confessed to me that sometimes she would use "Dental Dams" when going down on her ex girlfriend, because she bought them. It can only make me think that maybe she had something and is keeping something more secret from me, or else- why use them?

I feel like my whole life I've been lied to, manipulated and partially used, by marrying someone I didn't really know. I struggle... and the lie/trust is what hurts the VERY most.

Thank you for letting me share my story.


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## Rob_1

I Don't want to discourage you from pursuing the relationship with your wife, but read about men/women that married bisexual/homosexuals, eventually a lot of them after years were left high and dry when their spouse left them to partners with someone of their own sex. So take this into consideration.


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## sokillme

I think your biggest problem with your wife is she is a liar and a cheater. Honesty doesn't seem to be her MO. That's quite a lot. If it was a guy she hid from you would it make it any better? Though I get the fear that she is really a lesbian and using you to have a child, but I think you have bigger issues then just that. Only she can fix herself but it's going to take a lot of work and she has to want to put in the effort. 

Sorry you have to decide if you can deal with the uncertainty of someone who repeatedly lies to you.


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## arbitrator

*The long-term deception and disregard for the truth is far worse than the lesbianism, at least IMHO!*


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Here is a concern I have for you. My wife lied to me before we got married. She said she only had a short dating period with a HS bf, but was still a virgin. After a year, it came out that she actually was in a 4 year relationship with him, he had raped her and forced her to do a lot of things sexually, and she had been engaged to him. 

I forgave her and wanted to move forward. Sex wasn't something she wanted to do, she covered that up while dating. After we had kids, she wanted to leave. I told her the kids should stay with me at our house, (which she didn't want).

She told me "If I leave, the kids are going with me, and you will be LUCKY to see them every other weekend!". She used my love and concern for my kids against me.

I read that your child is 8 months old, DO NOT get her pregnant again, until all these issues have been worked thru. Where I live, the threats she made weren't just threats, it was pretty much a promise the courts would keep.

You DON'T want to have that sword of Damocles hanging over your head.

I'd be MORE pissed about the guy she was in contact with WHILE she was with you. She wasn't with you while she was with the other woman. 

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and work on yourself. And if you stay together. she has to be totally transparent with all passwords, phone, etc. 

Anything weird pops up, she has to know the papers will be filed ASAP.


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## Red Sonja

Friend, I am sorry you are experiencing this. My father (a gay man) married my mother and cheated on her with men for their entire marriage, it caused a horror-show of a childhood for me and my siblings. This was back in the early 1950's when there *actually was shame* and danger associated with being a homosexual. Your wife is 27 years old, which means there has been no “societal shame” associated with being a lesbian in her lifetime … unless of course you live in Saudi Arabia (etc). In the USA and most other parts of the western world same-sex relationships are common, public and/or legal and have been for decades.

I am not buying her explanation concerning “shame” because it’s bull****. It’s more likely that she wanted biological children and a family unit/provider to support them. Yes, she is a liar and a cheat and deceived you into marriage. What she truly thinks is in your OP … “The biggest regret I have is marrying my husband” … believe her.

It would be telling to know the true reason that her and her childhood/college girlfriend broke up.

As for "her fixing herself" ... there is no "fixing" sexual orientation.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

On second thought, divorce. This is why - ""The biggest regret I have is marrying my husband." Those words still haunt me to this day."

Stating this while being married only 2 years. F--- It.


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## Rob_1

Actually, you should aim for a divorce now, because the most probable outcome to your marriage will be divorce after many more years invested in this relationship where obviously you were used as a sperm donor/provider.

Myself in your position, after I have read what she said about marrying you was her biggest regret, I don't think that I could have stayed with her a minute longer. No way, no how. I have too much self respect as a man for that.


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## BigToe

Probably one of the more unique and interesting issues I've seen on this forum in a while. I'm not sure what to think, but sometimes thinking too much about a specific topic can cloud your mind rather than provide clarity. Here's what I picked out of your post:

She is a wonderful incredible mother. Your words. Very important, remember them.

She had an emotional affair with another guy, maybe physical but you didn't specify. Well, not so good for you, except that in terms of being concerned about her returning to a lesbian lover...she didn't and that would have been a much easier extra-marital relationship for her to foster. One could suggest this tends to point to her preference for male companionship. Without more than what you've provided, this behavior and that of marrying you and having your baby, tends to suggest (to me) she is secure in her heterosexual lifestyle. 

Your word choice indicates that you are very bothered by homosexuality. I think your wife was correct in her assumption that you would have never married her had you known in advance. I'm not suggesting you didn't have a right to know, but it sounds like she not only realized a lesbian lifestyle was not what she wanted but that she regretted it as well and wanted to shut the door on that part of her past. I can understand that. It doesn't sound to me like she was just trying to put one over on you. I also disagree with your assessment that her lesbian experience was more than experimentation. It was a long experiment, I agree, but the fact she started at 15 and got out of it at 21 does tend to indicate to me that it was based on experimentation at first and then probably convenience in the later years.

In my opinion, your 10th paragraph shows that this issue is not just about your wife keeping her lesbian experience from you, but it is also potentially about your ego. It bothers you that she's gone down on a female more than you have? That seems like a strange comment to me. You'll never resolve anything if your your ego is leading the discussions. This WAS the past, after all. Before she met you.

You discussed all this with her ex-girlfriend and all her ex-boyfriends?? And now they all know she's a cheater? I think that's outrageous. Your behavior trumps her not telling you about a past lesbian relationship that was over before you ever met her, by far. You definitely are letting your ego rule your behavior and that's dangerous for your relationship.

You're biggest problem isn't your wife's past lesbian relationship or that she kept it from you, it's the fact that she told another man she had interest in that marrying you was the biggest regret of her life. And if your time table is correct she said it while carrying or just after delivering your baby. So there is much more going on in your marriage than what you have written. I have sympathy for you but at the same time I know there are two sides to every story.

My advice is that you both seek counseling. Not only for her affair but for your issues surrounding homosexuality. Normally I would say you are free to think what you want and I would never judge you for it, but if you are considering staying married than you will need to come to terms with your wife's sexual past.


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## Vinnydee

First off, your wife is bisexual not a lesbian. My wife is bi and had a girlfriend for 30 years and been with me for 46. She had sex with both of us and shared her girlfriend with me. The girls are not lesbians. That is old thinking. There really are bisexuals and I know it because my ex fiancée is bi and cheated on me with a guy, married another guy and was with him for 20 years and is now married to a woman. My ex girlfriend spent the weekends with her female lover. Did not bother me since it left me free to date other girls on the weekend.

I think if you learn more about bisexuality you will view your wife differently. Bi people are attracted to the person and not their gender. They are also not black or white. For instance my wife is interested in guys for romance, marriage and dating. That would be me. She only likes women for sex and companionship. Never dated one and has no desire to do so. She never even kissed her girlfriend outside of the bedroom and insisted that I join in with them or else it felt like cheating. Her girlfriend was more into guys for sex and did date women in the past. My ex girlfriend loved women, dated them and was romantic with them. However she liked sex, a lot of sex, with as many men as she could. It may have been to make her not feel like a lesbian.

My wife was a virgin until 19 because the ill informed back in the old days did not believe that bisexuality existed. Not even the gay and lesbian community. I think that the reason why my wife always included me in sex with women and would not date them had to do with not wanting to feel like a lesbian as she was labeled in the old days. Imagine being sexually interested in the person, not their gender and the only label that society gave you was lesbian. Even if she said she liked sex with guys, they would tell her that she is either indecisive or a closet lesbian who wants to appear to be hetero. Just know that bisexual are interested in both genders and for various reasons that can change over time and in intensity.

We made it work over our 46 years of marriage. My wife is not interested in other guys. We did a wife swap once because I was the only man my wife had sex with and was curious so we gave it a go. She hated it and told me that I was more than enough for her and she never wanted to have sex with other guys again. She was also as faithful to her girlfriend who was with us for most of our marriage. She had one man and one woman in her life and that was good enough for her. 

I think the problem in your marriage is not which gender your wife is having sex with but rather that she is cheating on you. Focus on that and not her sexuality and get with the program and call her bisexual and not a lesbian. A lesbian would not be carrying on with a guy on the internet or still be interested in you. She is bi and that can be confusing. The real issue is not her sexuality but her cheating. If she feels a need to be with a woman too, like my wife does, find a solution. If not a threesome, then she can have sex with women in your house so you have some control over what is going on and it does make a difference to your wife knowing she is in her home with her husband around. It makes it seem more like an extension of the marriage rather than a separate affair. What do I know. I have had relationships only with bi girls my whole life. The first too were not willing to share like my wife is so that is why my wife is living a very good lifestyle and the others became drug addicts and divorced several time.


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## BluesPower

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> On second thought, divorce. This is why - ""The biggest regret I have is marrying my husband." Those words still haunt me to this day."
> 
> Stating this while being married only 2 years. F--- It.


This is the bottom line. 

You don't know what you don't know. But this is what you need to remember. 

Has she screwed other guys or girls, who cares. 

The fact the she ever thought this is more than enough to lose her forever. 

By the way, the way that you are handling this is about as bad as it gets. 

Let me guess, you are a really nice guy and you love your wife? Right? 

No, read No more mr nice guy for your next relationship and file for divorce...


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## hinterdir

Very sorry to hear. 

You must be in a lot of pain and your world must be spinning. As someone not emotionally attached to the situation it seems that you are heading for even more and more heartache. Even if things improve to a point in the near future, I don't see this ending well. 

I'd say you were tricked into marriage and that this is a bait and switch. I don't see her being a loyal, committed, faithful wife to you. She's already betrayed you incredibly TWO times. 

I'd say this warrants a divorce. In the long run I think you'd be better off to cut your losses and find a better lady than this. I believe things will get worse for you and that future betrayals lie in your future.


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## Andy1001

My best friend is a lesbian and we lived together for years when we were younger.She has never had sex with a man,has never found any man attractive and the thought of having sex with a man repulses her.
Your wife is not a lesbian, she is bisexual and at the moment her preference is men.Not man,men.I say this because she has cheated on you with a man and didn’t admit it until you showed her proof.
I will tell you this and you can take it to the bank.Overnight you’re wife’s preference may change back to women and her telling you that the six years in a relationship with a woman doesn’t mean anything is gaslighting in the extreme.I know a woman who had bi tendencies as a young girl but then spent twenty years married to a man.Eventually she left him and moved in with her girlfriend,this lasted a few years and now she is living with a man who is happy to “share”.
A lot of men trying to reconcile their marriage have trust issues when their wife is in an environment with other men,work etc.You have double the problem,you can’t trust her with men or women.
She has shown you she is a liar,deceitful and manipulative,she has put your health at risk and has never admitted anything that you couldn’t prove.
What is the next revelation going to be.Drugs,jail time?
You would be a fool to trust her.


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## BarbedFenceRider

"One time she wrote to him... "The biggest regret I have is marrying my husband." Those words still haunt me to this day."



....Then Stop! That is all there is. A total deal breaker and end of story. The rest as they say is "water under the bridge." 


She wants a Care taker. She will always say she "loves" you. But honestly, she even admitted it. She regrets and despises you. The fact of lying and manipulating you was the confirmation of such. 

I hope you BOTH are in counselling. And if a de facto relationship were to remain, why not dissolve the marriage. lawyer up and get a "post nuptial" agreement concerning wealth, child care and such. Then she lives and "dates" you for the time being. She doesn't feel abandoned, you get power over the relationship and you both are on a more equal footing.... Just an idea.


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## TAMAT

Given the large amount of deception and omission and especially the HPV, I think it wise for you to have your W write out a timelines of everything she hasn't told you . 

Once she has done that take her for a polygraph where the main question will be is your timeline honest and detailed and without significant omission.

Has she kept keepsakes of any kind from these former relationships?

Is she in indirect or direct contact with former lovers?

Her erasure of evidence is just more deception.

She may still be cheating on you with women, perhaps she feels that using a dental dam is enough protection, often people compartmentalize such encounters as just sex. 

Tamat


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## Proverbs21:19

meh,

I'd tell her to let me in on the action or then it's over.


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## Yeswecan

> "The biggest regret I have is marrying my husband." Those words still haunt me to this day.


This is enough right here to call the ball. Your W has lied and cheated. Your W family has helped cover it up as well. Let that sink in for moment.


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## David Carns

I can't help but to thank everyone for their advice and help.
I've read all your responses. A few, twice. 

Judge me... but I still love my wife. Unconditionally. We have a son together. My son is my world. My wife, is still my very best friend. With a flick of my fingers... I can't change that. 
I am NOT perfect either. Yes, my ego can get in the way of my thoughts, anger and fear. I am human. I do appreciate even the negative responses, saying I am pretty much a jerk because of my big ego.

We started counseling last night. We will be going weekly for an hour/week. 
Also, I ordered the book: No More Mr. Nice Guy! I thank you both who suggested it. I will read it and work on it. I am the type of person who GIVES, GIVES, GIVES. 
Gifts are my love language. So... I constantly show my love by buying gifts for people I care about. I don't get it in return.

We are working through this. It is a struggle. Some good days.. some AWFUL, depressing days. My wife did and said some EXTREMELY hurtful things, that I could never do to her.
Truth is, I love her more than she loves me. Or else... she wouldn't have done and said those things and had kept those secrets from me, But I love her enough to work on it. Work on us, and hopefully come out a stronger couple because of it. Right now... that's all I can do. Is hope.


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## Andy1001

David Carns said:


> I can't help but to thank everyone for their advice and help.
> I've read all your responses. A few, twice.
> 
> Judge me... but I still love my wife. Unconditionally. We have a son together. My son is my world. My wife, is still my very best friend. With a flick of my fingers... I can't change that.
> I am NOT perfect either. Yes, my ego can get in the way of my thoughts, anger and fear. I am human. I do appreciate even the negative responses, saying I am pretty much a jerk because of my big ego.
> 
> We started counseling last night. We will be going weekly for an hour/week.
> Also, I ordered the book: No More Mr. Nice Guy! I thank you both who suggested it. I will read it and work on it. I am the type of person who GIVES, GIVES, GIVES.
> Gifts are my love language. So... I constantly show my love by buying gifts for people I care about. I don't get it in return.
> 
> We are working through this. It is a struggle. Some good days.. some AWFUL, depressing days. My wife did and said some EXTREMELY hurtful things, that I could never do to her.
> Truth is, I love her more than she loves me. Or else... she wouldn't have done and said those things and had kept those secrets from me, But I love her enough to work on it. Work on us, and hopefully come out a stronger couple because of it. Right now... that's all I can do. Is hope.


I really hope things work out for you my friend but you have a long journey ahead,possibly a lifetime, of trying to prevent your wife from cheating and the chances of a happy ending are slim.
Your wife is gone back into the closet but how long can she keep this up for.You will need eyes in the back of your head to stop her from cheating either emotionally or physically.
You must accept that she volunteered nothing,you had to find out the hard way about her cheating and about her lesbian affair.She refuses to accept that she is bisexual and that is a major red flag.
One hour a week of counseling isn’t going to change anything especially when you may not have the full story yet.
She is not a good candidate for reconciliation and I take no pleasure in telling you this.
Again I wish you luck.You will need lots of it.


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## David Carns

Andy1001 said:


> I really hope things work out for you my friend but you have a long journey ahead,possibly a lifetime, of trying to prevent your wife from cheating and the chances of a happy ending are slim.
> Your wife is gone back into the closet but how long can she keep this up for.You will need eyes in the back of your head to stop her from cheating either emotionally or physically.
> You must accept that she volunteered nothing,you had to find out the hard way about her cheating and about her lesbian affair.She refuses to accept that she is bisexual and that is a major red flag.
> One hour a week of counseling isn’t going to change anything especially when you may not have the full story yet.
> She is not a good candidate for reconciliation and I take no pleasure in telling you this.
> Again I wish you luck.You will need lots of it.


I know. That's what is so hard... the SHOCK. Your best friend... your spouse hiding those secrets from you and lying to your face, over and over.
Four+ years I have been with her... only to find out, I can't trust her.

But I do love her too much.. and my son to just let this all go. I know people make mistakes. I know she does feel horrible about all this. I know it's more than a second chance. But, at this point in my life... I don't know what else to do, but try. I do not want to divorce her. I still have so many feelings and hope for us. I just want a better us. Call me naive, and I hope in 10, 20 years... I don't look back at this and says I wish I would have ended it then....but I have to try if she is wanting and willing to do ANYTHING to help make us better. I have to. I hope many in my situation can understand- if they truly love their spouse more than anything... unconditionally.


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## sokillme

David Carns said:


> I hope many in my situation can understand- if they truly love their spouse more than anything... unconditionally.


You probably think this is noble. But what it really means is you are subject to any treatment she chooses to give you. Essentially you are her slave. There is nothing noble or even romantic about that. That is what we call codependency. It's not even being a good spouse, because you can't even be real with her, she has no responsibility to you or your marriage. She is not accountable. There is no participation. In a sense you are more like a robot then a person in the sense that she can uses you any way she sees fit. That is not what a relationship is. A relationship is a collaborative give and take. Without that I am not sure how your relationship will ever be healthy. 

Good luck to you sir, but you have a women who has shown she has no intention in telling you the truth and has repeatedly abused you, and your response is there is nothing she can do that will make you stop loving her. That is not going to be a good outcome for you.


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## chillymorn69

If it were me...

Emotional affair strike 1
her biggest regret strike 2

Not telling you she was gay strike 3 


Stay with the person at your own demise.


She messed up.


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## Andy1001

David Carns said:


> I know. That's what is so hard... the SHOCK. Your best friend... your spouse hiding those secrets from you and lying to your face, over and over.
> Four+ years I have been with her... only to find out, I can't trust her.
> 
> But I do love her too much.. and my son to just let this all go. I know people make mistakes. I know she does feel horrible about all this. I know it's more than a second chance. But, at this point in my life... I don't know what else to do, but try. I do not want to divorce her. I still have so many feelings and hope for us. I just want a better us. Call me naive, and I hope in 10, 20 years... I don't look back at this and says I wish I would have ended it then....but I have to try if she is wanting and willing to do ANYTHING to help make us better. I have to. I hope many in my situation can understand- if they truly love their spouse more than anything... unconditionally.


You don’t get it.
She now knows that whatever she does,whatever lies she tells,whoever she sleeps with,sexts with,male or female you will forgive her.
Using your child as a reason to put up with this is foolish.Do you want him growing up seeing his Dad being walked over,thinking this is how marriage works?
Your wife has had no repercussions for her behavior other than a little embarrassment that she soon got over.You are suffering and she doesn’t give a damn.
What you are doing is called rug sweeping.


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## Edo Edo

Red Sonja said:


> Friend, I am sorry you are experiencing this. My father (a gay man) married my mother and cheated on her with men for their entire marriage, it caused a horror-show of a childhood for me and my siblings. This was back in the early 1950's when there *actually was shame* and danger associated with being a homosexual. Your wife is 27 years old, which means there has been no “societal shame” associated with being a lesbian in her lifetime … unless of course you live in Saudi Arabia (etc). In the USA and most other parts of the western world same-sex relationships are common, public and/or legal and have been for decades.
> 
> I am not buying her explanation concerning “shame” because it’s bull****. It’s more likely that she wanted biological children and a family unit/provider to support them. Yes, she is a liar and a cheat and deceived you into marriage. What she truly thinks is in your OP … “The biggest regret I have is marrying my husband” … believe her.
> 
> It would be telling to know the true reason that her and her childhood/college girlfriend broke up.
> 
> As for "her fixing herself" ... there is no "fixing" sexual orientation.




Red Sonya, you live in Los Angeles, which is very progressive and welcoming to homosexual/bisexual lifestyles. However, if the OP and his wife live anywhere from the plains states to the mid west to the south east, her feelings of shame are most likely valid and should be taken into consideration. If she's really a lesbian and just wanted biological children, couldn't she have just been artificially inseminated? Or maybe just find a one night stand? The impression I got here was that maybe she experimented with a woman in her youth and moved on to guys or is possibly bi-sexual (as opposed to strictly lesbian).

I would not give her a pass in her dealings with another man while married, but if she lives in the bible belt, I can understand why she would choose to let this chapter of her past with another woman stay buried, especially if it happened before she met her current husband...


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## David Carns

As easy as it may sound to walk away... you all have to understand... this is my wife. The person I married and I vowed to. Although I am not very religious, my vows meant something, even if hers did not, if you see it that way.
I do believe she regrets her past. I believe she knows she messed up texting another guy for a year and a half and hiding it from me (she claimed she saw him as a friend she could vent to) which I still think is so f'd up.... I could never/would never. Let alone... I would be in the doghouse forever if I ever did that with her if the tables were turned.

Would I still be with her today and married to her, if she told me she was in a gay relationship for 6 years, a few years before she met me.... probably yes. Because, I would trust her, because she told me. Would I have a very hard time with it...yes, but because if she had told me... it would be different.

Today, we talked. She said she would never, ever physically cheat on me. Never. (I know these are words) And, you may think I am brainwashed, but I do believe her. I do. She knows how bad she hurt me... well, she doesn't truly, but she has an idea.. its the WORST feeling in the world. Anyway, she told me today, if she ever did cheat *and never would or if anything happened to me, she would be with another guy. Period. Has ZERO interest in woman.

This girl she was with, was the first sexual experience she ever had. She fell in love with her emotionally first. Then the physical came. She enjoyed it physically... but thats the only thing she knew. Didn't know what it was like with a guy, because this is all she knew. Girls are more EMOTIONALLY attached then guys. I can agree to that. Although I will never get it... I can agree to it.

She promises she is changing and truly trying, I can see it because I ask questions. She answers them with the uttermost truth-- because sometimes it's not always the answers I want to hear, so I know she is telling me the truth.
I only hope it continues. Because if it doesn't. She knows my next step... and that is to be done, my heart couldn't take anything more. I do deserve better.


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## TAMAT

David,

If she is really telling you the truth then she would have no objection to a polygraph please ask her.

DNA your child.

You have only been married for a short while and she has been cheating on you for virtually your entire married life, this is the honeymoon period when you are supposed to be madly in love.

Did you confront the OM your WW was having an EA with? Please inform the OMs SO. 

Do you feel your WWs is really into you, or do you suspect she is faking it. If so it doesn't usually get better with time.

Tamat


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## Diana7

You can love a spose but not trust them. Its not surprising that the trust has gone after all this, she did marry you under false pretences, and why does she regret marrying you so much? 
Not sure what you have got if the trust has gone.


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## oldshirt

sokillme said:


> You probably think this is noble. But what it really means is you are subject to any treatment she chooses to give you. Essentially you are her slave. There is nothing noble or even romantic about that. That is what we call codependency. It's not even being a good spouse, because you can't even be real with her, she has no responsibility to you or your marriage. She is not accountable. There is no participation. In a sense you are more like a robot then a person in the sense that she can uses you any way she sees fit. That is not what a relationship is. A relationship is a collaborative give and take. Without that I am not sure how your relationship will ever be healthy.
> 
> Good luck to you sir, but you have a women who has shown she has not intention in telling you the truth and has repeatedly abused you, and your response is there is nothing she can do that will make you stop loving her. That is not going to be a good outcome for you.



Make this^^^^^^ one of the posts you read again and again and again.


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## FalCod

Just an observation. Your posts make it sound like you'd be OK with it if it was another guy but you are deeply bothered because it was a lesbian relationship. Why is that?


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## oldshirt

There are a number of different issues and facets to this dilemma here. 

I'll start with the same-sex angle since that seems to be what you are most hung up on at the moment. This is a subject for which I do have some experience. In my mid 20s I dated a gal for several years that ultimately ended up leaving me for a woman. I was young and naïve and relatively inexperienced but I did know there was something not quite right with our relationship but once it all went down, everything made sense. 

That was roughly 25 years ago and I recently got together with her socially and we had some pretty personal discussions. Like your wife, she stated she did not want to live that lifestyle and wanted to live a mainstream, white picket fence life. In her case she got to a point she couldn't fight it anymore and went to the other side fulltime. 

She stated she did love me and that we had a good relationship and a great sex life etc etc but she needed the emotional connection she could only get with other women. 

That was my experience which may or not have a hill of beans to do with your situation, but either way I can understand some of your concerns. 

What I will state though is I do think you are showing a little too much black and white thinking in relation to women's sexuality and orientation. Women's sexualities are much more flexible and fluid than men's typically. Women do not necessarily fall into an either-or paradigm. Another poster stated it well above - they are often attracted to and connect with the person, and not necessarily the gender. 

Many of not most young females have had some sort of close and even somewhat sexual relationship with another female(s) in their teens and early 20s. 

If she chooses to leave that life behind and move forward towards a traditional life of heterosexual relationship and marriage/family etc, I think you should take that at face value unless and until she gives you reason to doubt it. 

Now, could she some day fall for another woman or stray and cheat with another woman??? Yes, of course. Just as any person may or may not fall for someone of the same or opposite sex at some point down the road. None of us have any true guarantees of ever lasting love to death. Any of our spouses could fall for someone else, male or female at some point some day. 

Cont....


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## oldshirt

Cont....

Now what I think are more serious issues that you seem to skimming past in leu of the bisexuality issue is her statement of her biggest regret of marrying you. That IMHO is biggest elephant in the room.... especially in the face of her affair. 

A same-sex relationship in her teens is small fries compared to the contemporary issues IMHO. 


Her claiming the biggest regret is marrying you is a huge thing and very damming. Granted she may have been blowing smoke to impress an AP but is that really any consolation??


What is her angle for supposedly working so hard to preserve the marriage if it is her biggest regret and is enthralled with someone else??? 


Lot's of unanswered questions here. 


I can't answer whether you should fish or cut bait, but I would advise to get your legal and financial ducks in a row and be prepared to protect your assets and access to your child should you come home from work one day to find her gone. 


I also think if you do decide to remain together, it will take much professional assistance and guidance to work through this and come out the other side with any semblance of a happy and healthy marriage.


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## Thor

Andy1001 said:


> You don’t get it.
> She now knows that whatever she does,whatever lies she tells,whoever she sleeps with,sexts with,male or female you will forgive her.


DC, this QFT.

It is insidious really. She probably hasn't even thought this consciously in her mind. Yet. But let's assume you go through MC and a year from now things are pretty ok at home. She will know _she got away with affairs and deception_. She also said pretty much the most horrible thing about you possible, that marrying you is her biggest regret. And still you are saying right now in the immediate aftermath that you can't leave her, that you love her unconditionally.

So let's map this over into a teenager and a situation where they did something pretty outrageous that the parents found out about. There was some anguish but the parents said they love the teen unconditionally and would never impose strict consequences. They talk about it some. Now, do you think the teen is likely to be afraid of consequences if they do something outrageous again, or are they likely to weigh the odds in favor of misbehaving if a big temptation pops up?

Your W has kept this lesbian secret from you. Not only when you had all the usual discussions about your histories early in the relationship, but even after she should have known that lies are so poisonous to the marriage. She didn't learn the lesson. In her mind, secrets are ok. She compartmentalizes you off from the rest of her secret lives. She knew she was doing really wrong things with the EA/PA by putting the false name in her phone. She also intentionally took away your ability to make an informed decision about marrying her when she kept the lesbian relationship secret. You are entitled to your feelings and opinions on it, and you are entitled to decide on whom to marry based on having accurate information from them. Let it sink in how she is comfortable manipulating you to get what she wants. Fake name in phone, secret EA/PA, hiding the lesbian relationship, lying about it when you asked point blank recently.

She is a garden variety cheater who has demonstrated she believes it acceptable to lie and deceive.

To have a successful marriage she will need to fully understand this. She'll have to understand where it comes from that she thought all of this was ok. She'll have to show true remorse for hurting you. I believe you are suffering from assuming she thinks like you, and you seeing her as you wish she were rather than what her actions have demonstrated she is.

Don't let the MC gloss over how your W got to where it was ok to do these things and to be held accountable. Don't let the MC slide right into blaming you (like for your W being afraid to tell you about the lesbian relationship due to your "unreasonable" likely response..), or just ignoring the past and just looking forward.

If you didn't have a child I would strongly advise D. With the child it is worth a few months to see if your W has what it takes to R. 

You should read a book like "After the Affair" by Spring, and so should your W.


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## Jharp

David Carns said:


> As easy as it may sound to walk away... you all have to understand... this is my wife. The person I married and I vowed to. Although I am not very religious, my vows meant something, even if hers did not, if you see it that way.
> I do believe she regrets her past. I believe she knows she messed up texting another guy for a year and a half and hiding it from me (she claimed she saw him as a friend she could vent to) which I still think is so f'd up.... I could never/would never. Let alone... I would be in the doghouse forever if I ever did that with her if the tables were turned.
> 
> Would I still be with her today and married to her, if she told me she was in a gay relationship for 6 years, a few years before she met me.... probably yes. Because, I would trust her, because she told me. Would I have a very hard time with it...yes, but because if she had told me... it would be different.
> 
> Today, we talked. She said she would never, ever physically cheat on me. Never. (I know these are words) And, you may think I am brainwashed, but I do believe her. I do. She knows how bad she hurt me... well, she doesn't truly, but she has an idea.. its the WORST feeling in the world. Anyway, she told me today, if she ever did cheat *and never would or if anything happened to me, she would be with another guy. Period. Has ZERO interest in woman.
> 
> This girl she was with, was the first sexual experience she ever had. She fell in love with her emotionally first. Then the physical came. She enjoyed it physically... but thats the only thing she knew. Didn't know what it was like with a guy, because this is all she knew. Girls are more EMOTIONALLY attached then guys. I can agree to that. Although I will never get it... I can agree to it.
> 
> She promises she is changing and truly trying, I can see it because I ask questions. She answers them with the uttermost truth-- because sometimes it's not always the answers I want to hear, so I know she is telling me the truth.
> I only hope it continues. Because if it doesn't. She knows my next step... and that is to be done, my heart couldn't take anything more. I do deserve better.




Dude, she lied too you, repeatedly. She lied about the emotional affair, that is strike one and two there, then she lied to you about a same sex relationship she had. This was a huge part of life that she deemed you off limits too, Strike three and four. Then she stated she regretted ever marrying you. Ouch...I mean...ouch. Dude, you say you take your vows seriously. I respect that. The question is, does she? 

Only ever believe half of what a woman says but believe everything she does. Your wife has shown nothing but disrespect for you as her husband, dishonesty and contempt for your feelings. You say its not that easy. Actually it is, you just don't want to face reality and take action that deep down you know you have to take.

What will it take? The next time she fails to tell you something important? How about the next time she has an emotional affair? What if she decides she wants to experience a woman again and doesn't tell you? Dude, you are setting yourself up for failure. I have no wish to be mean to you, and I empathize with what you are feeling, but this woman is not cut out to be your wife. Infact she's clearly not cut out to be anyones wife. Take steps to protect yourself and get rid of her. Its going to hurt something fierce...but in the long run it'll be better for you.


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## BluesPower

OP, I know that you sound really sincere about everything that you say, I get it. 

You have already gotten good advice, so I am just going to tell you one more time and then I am out. 

She is lying to you about the affair, how far it went, all of it. 

Who cares if she is bi, really. 

My friend, you are being a complete and total fool about all of this. In everyway, you are just being foolish. 

You will catch her cheating again, that is almost 100%, I am sorry. 

I wish you all the luck possible, but I feel sorry for you...


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## Lostinthought61

David, I wish you luck but in the end you will become your worst enemy, because you will sweep this under the rug not her. So next time if it happens you need not blame her but yourself.


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## David Carns

First off...
oldshirt, Thank you for the realization and comments. I enjoyed your replies.

Thor, I am ordering the book "after the affair" this morning.

Yes, we do have a child together, a 8 month old happy little boy. He's a incredible little boy.

I've gotten some incredible advise. Much wisdom, much first-hand knowledge. 

We ARE going to therapy and counseling. She has given me permission to look at her phone, iPad, messages, calls, etc at my leisure. She wants me to talk with her about any questions I have. She is showing me right now, she wants us and knows she messed up. I have to accept it and try. I am a genuine, loving, caring spouse. Truth is.. I do love her more in this relationship. Yes, it sucks and I hope with therapy, guidance and advise from this thread, along with the books I am reading I can live and learn and be more of a person who put his happens before others. I do need to work on stop being such a people pleasure and more on living the life I want to life and making sure I AM HAPPY first.

Thank you for all the advise, the comments and as always, I encourage anyone else that wants to speak with with words of advice, wisdom and help. It's SO MUCH appreciated.


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## Thor

Here's a perspective on the R process. You cannot do it. You can't do it for the both of you, and you cannot do her part. She has to do the large majority of the work. She has to prove she is worthy of your trust in the future. Right now she is un-trustworthy. She has to prove that she has learned why she thought it was ok to do what she did (hide something big from you before you were married, carry on an affair during the marriage, continue to hide something big even after the affair was discovered). And then she has to demonstrate she has changed her mindset so that she won't do this again.

Beware having the discussion with her about open honesty and then thinking she gets it. I had 2 or 3 of those with my xw but what she was doing was calculating how to better hide things from me. Her baseline brain programming was that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. She compartmentalized things, so I was in one bucket while these other things were in other buckets. She thought she could keep the buckets separated, and thus my life in my bucket would not be affected by whatever was happening in the other buckets. The theory has some merit if you don't think too deeply, and until I became aware of the other buckets. 

So this is where everyone is warning you. Serial cheaters have this same kind of mindset, that as long as the betrayed doesn't find out then it is just some harmless fun. When things get rough in the marriage, when the kids are causing high drama, when there is a financial crunch, or when work gets tough, she will be open to temptation. She has proven she is of the character to cheat. We are all tempted at times, but we don't all cheat. She cheated for months! She has to prove to you she no longer sees cheating as harmless or that it is in a different bucket than you. She has to demonstrate to you she understands that when she does something that it will affect you even if you don't know about it. And she has to demonstrate she understands that keeping secrets is one of these things, as is cheating.


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## Thor

A lot of the time it seems cheaters are unable to feel empathy. If she can't feel how she has hurt you, then she can't really understand the magnitude of what she's done. This is why the usual recommendation is to file for D even if your goal is R. I agree with this strategy almost all of the time. Some WS do show immediate true and deep remorse for what they've done because of how they've hurt their spouse. These people get it. But those who don't get it need to be figuratively held over the edge of the cliff for a look into the abyss, knowing that you would just as soon let go than pull them back in. 

This is the same concept as an addict hitting rock bottom. They have to reach the point of capitulation. You'll see a common thread in cheaters and addicts where they will do anything to not capitulate. They will lie, steal, pretend, or whatever it takes to fool the other person. Their goal is to keep what they want to have. In the case of the cheater it is keeping their kids, the family income, social status, their good name, perhaps their job. But they also still want to keep the door cracked open in the future to cheat again. Whether they feel entitled to have their "needs" met, or they think it harmless if they can hide it, or they just love the thrill of the illicitness.

R is frequently false because the cheater never hits rock bottom and thus never capitulates. Filing for D can trigger that rock bottom for them. In your case it may be a good strategy, idk. From your brief descriptions it could be that she has had the epiphany. It sounds like she is at least on the surface doing the right things by giving you full transparency. But I would advise at the very least to take a similar stance with her, that the marriage is on the line here and you are having great difficulty staying. It is fine to love your wife and to value your marriage. Hell, that's why I stayed for so very many years. You may discover things about your wife's childhood and family which make you feel great sympathy for her, and it may help explain how she got to where she did the things she did. But that doesn't make her transgressions ok and it doesn't mean she won't do it again. She needs to demonstrate a new understanding, a new mindset, before she is worthy of your trust going forward.


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## Thor

Ok, final post for now. I always like to go back to foundational ideas. The foundation of a marriage is contained in the vows. Typically they are along the lines of "To love, honor, and cherish. To have and to hold. For richer or poorer, in good health and bad. Forsaking all others." 

Most people don't think about what all of that means. They're just words said at the traditional ceremony, kind of old fashioned even. Yet they are full of thousands of years of human history which make them very wise.

- To love. That means not just romantic love but caring love. It means watching out for the other person's well being. Doing no harm.

- To honor. That means holding the other person up for the good things they do and the good person they are. It means respecting the hard work they do to earn money, to do housework, to be a parent. It means not putting them down when talking to others or even just in your own mind.

- To cherish. That means to value the other person for what they bring to your life. It means recognizing that because of them you strive to be a better person. It means you know there will be great loss to you if the relationship ends.

- To have. This means sex.

- To hold. This means emotionally support them when they need it.

- Richer poorer, good health bad health. Those are self explanatory but important in that they mean the vows still apply when things get tough. It means there is no excuse to cheat just because you're in a rough patch.

- Forsaking all others. This means everybody. It doesn't just mean not having extramarital sex. It doesn't just mean putting exes in the past. It means the spouse is the single most important person. More than your parents and siblings. More than the kids even. The marriage itself is the bedrock of the family. Without a good marriage there can be no good family. Kids need the parents to have a good marriage first. Kids have immediate needs like feeding, but especially as they get a bit older they don't take priority. This is where tons of Americans go wrong by having the kids be the central focus to the point of ignoring their spouse, thus leading to the empty nest divorce epidemic.

But even moreso, Forsaking All Others means taking an active approach to protecting the marriage. It means windows inside the marriage and walls around the outside of the marriage. (That comes from the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass which you may want to read with your wife). It means recognizing human weakness and human predation, so take active steps to prevent even the innocent beginnings of possible affairs.

Cheaters, narcissists, sociopaths all laugh at the above. That's for chumps whom they take advantage of. Someone who is incapable of buying into the concepts contained in the vows is not worthy of being married to.


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## wilson

David Carns said:


> As easy as it may sound to walk away... you all have to understand... this is my wife. The person I married and I vowed to. Although I am not very religious, my vows meant something, even if hers did not, if you see it that way.


Some experiences you need to go through yourself to truly be okay with them. It sounds like if you split up now, you would always have doubts if you did the right thing. You might dwell on it and think you should have stayed together. The truth is, none of us knows what the future holds. Maybe this all in the past and you'll have a happy life forever. Our concern is that's not likely. There's a greater chance there will be major problems in the future. But maybe you need to experience them to be secure in your decision.

If that's the case, then stay married but realize the chances of divorce are higher and plan for it. And remember, you may not be the one deciding to split up--she may decide that. The biggest issue during divorce is splitting up assets, so try to keep assets split as much as possible. Try to keep her earnings high so that you won't have to pay alimony. If you divorce and you're both making the same and get 50/50 custody, there will be a minimum amount of financial impact to you both.

You also should have an policy of trust but verify. Get used to snooping her phone, email, time away, etc. If she's into both men and women, it will be trivial for her to turn a day trip of shopping into a bit of inappropriate fun. You sound like a very kind and trusting person. This, unfortunately, means you are very likely to get taken advantage of. You think it would make her love you more, but ironically, it may make her think of you as weak. You need to make yourself into a strong, confident person that she knows she can't mess around with.


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## Blondilocks

Thoughts on your situation: One - spouses do not love unconditionally. Examine your vows and note that they are, in themselves, conditions. 

Two - your love language is gifts. That is how you like to receive evidence of love; not how to express your love for another. You express love for another in their love language. Expressing it in your language may be at odds with theirs and they will rightfully interpret it as you not putting in the thought and effort to consider their wants and desires. 

You are only two years into this marriage and have learned that your wife is a liar, deceiver and a cheat. Think carefully about going forward because unless she comes to terms with her character flaws, you are going to be in a world of hurt. The longer you stay married, the worse it will be monetarily in a divorce for you.

How has she explained her statement about regretting marrying you? Hold her feet to the fire on that.


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## Marc878

Op is it love or codependency?


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## David Carns

Blondilocks said:


> Thoughts on your situation: One - spouses do not love unconditionally. Examine your vows and note that they are, in themselves, conditions.
> 
> Two - your love language is gifts. That is how you like to receive evidence of love; not how to express your love for another. You express love for another in their love language. Expressing it in your language may be at odds with theirs and they will rightfully interpret it as you not putting in the thought and effort to consider their wants and desires.
> 
> You are only two years into this marriage and have learned that your wife is a liar, deceiver and a cheat. Think carefully about going forward because unless she comes to terms with her character flaws, you are going to be in a world of hurt. The longer you stay married, the worse it will be monetarily in a divorce for you.
> 
> How has she explained her statement about regretting marrying you? Hold her feet to the fire on that.


I've mentioned this to her 100 times. She said it was only words used in anger...
Which, I have been angry before. Never said those words. Ever.


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## TheDudeLebowski

If I were in your shoes I would see it as I'm being used. With that in mind, I would finagle a threesome...then divorce. I mean, you might as well get something in return right?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

David Carns said:


> I've mentioned this to her 100 times. She said it was only words used in anger...
> Which, I have been angry before. Never said those words. Ever.


When someone tells someone else how they feel really feel about you believe that and not what they say to your face. 

She meant it. You are plan B dude. Wake up.


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## jlg07

"As easy as it may sound to walk away... you all have to understand... this is my wife. The person I married and I vowed to. Although I am not very religious, my vows meant something, even if hers did not, if you see it that way."

SHE broke your marriage vows -- she cheated with her "online friend" and LIED about it. The vows are broken -- the marriage bond was broken when she did this.

"I do believe she regrets her past. I believe she knows she messed up texting another guy for a year and a half and hiding it from me (she claimed she saw him as a friend she could vent to) which I still think is so f'd up.... I could never/would never. Let alone... I would be in the doghouse forever if I ever did that with her if the tables were turned."

She has lied to you numerous times -- WHY DO YOU BELIEVE her all of a sudden with this? SHE IS LYING to you.




"Today, we talked. She said she would never, ever physically cheat on me. Never. (I know these are words) "
DO YOU? She has lied. Cheaters lie -- look for stories on here -- they swear to God, swear on their childrens lives, and THEY ARE CHEATING. WHY would you believe her? She already cheated on you -- it may NOT have been a PA, but certainly emotionally cheating. If she had issues she should have discussed with YOU, NOT another man. This is BS and you need to wake up.




"She promises she is changing and truly trying, I can see it because I ask questions. She answers them with the uttermost truth-- because sometimes it's not always the answers I want to hear, so I know she is telling me the truth." YOU need to see ACTION, not words. She doesn't sound that remorseful to be honest and without that, R will never work.


Also, some nice family that THEY never talked to you about this and let you think all this time that you knew your wife. You DO NOT know her, you know the illusion you have of her. I think you really need to open your eyes to this and do NOT let the fact that you have a child with her blind you to what she is -- a cheater and a liar.


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## Decorum

David Carns said:


> I've mentioned this to her 100 times. She said it was only words used in anger...
> Which, I have been angry before. Never said those words. Ever.



If she will not do the work of heavy lifting, then there is little hope for change, or improvement. 

I really wish you both well.
Take care!


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## Jasel

From the outside looking in you are making some really big mistakes, but good luck just the same.


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## Rick Blaine

Your wife told another man she wishes she had never married you. You know this and she knows you know this; therefore, she cannot respect you and she can't be attracted to you because weakness is not attractive to women. 

Are you the breadwinner? Do you make a good income? 

Given the first two years of this marriage how do you see things 10 years or 20 years from now? Just looking ahead should make you shudder. Past performance IS in this case an indicator of future performance.


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## David Carns

Rick Blaine said:


> Your wife told another man she wishes she had never married you. You know this and she knows you know this; therefore, she cannot respect you and she can't be attracted to you because weakness is not attractive to women.
> 
> Are you the breadwinner? Do you make a good income?
> 
> Given the first two years of this marriage how do you see things 10 years or 20 years from now? Just looking ahead should make you shudder. Past performance IS in this case an indicator of future performance.


My wife makes more money than I do. She probably makes twice as much.
With a lot of guidance and help... I hope we are stronger and stronger each given year to come. If I didn't feel that way right now... I would have left already.


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## Rob_1

@David Carns said:"My wife makes more money than I do. She probably makes twice as much."

There you have it. This is so prevalent with females whether they like to admit it or not. Every marriage forum where the OP reveals the above fact, the OP find themselves with a partner that eventually, lose respect for them. 

No matter how much social progress has been done toward equality, the fact is that a lot of women still lose respect for their man if he makes much less money. Nature still at work.





Re: I married a former


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## BluesPower

David Carns said:


> My wife makes more money than I do. She probably makes twice as much.
> With a lot of guidance and help... I hope we are stronger and stronger each given year to come. If I didn't feel that way right now... I would have left already.


What difference does it make how much money she makes. 

Listen, do you have any self respect at all? Any? 

Why are you thinking this way?


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## TAMAT

So far all of her relationships with men have failed quickly, you have been together for 4 years, but for 1.5 years your WW has been in an EA with another man.

Does your WW have an easy time reaching orgasm with you or does it seem forced and unnatural?

Are there things which she does not do with you that she did with others? Was there a specialness you sense in her former relationships she does not have with you? 

While these questions might not seem important right now since you are fighting a close at hand battle, in the long term 5,10 or 20 years those doubts and questions will grow. 

Please review some of the threads here by men who never felt they were told the truth and whos WW never really fully recovered their attractions for their Hs.

I suspect your WW only gave you enough confession to keep you quiet.

Tamat


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## ABHale

David Carns said:


> I've mentioned this to her 100 times. She said it was only words used in anger...
> Which, I have been angry before. Never said those words. Ever.


This is the point everyone is try to get across to you. 

You would never use those words, even in anger. 

She did with her affair partner. 

Talk with a lawyer and explain what has happened. Tell the lawyer you want a postnuptial drawn up to protect you if she cheats again. Hand it to her to sign and go from there.


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## ABHale

David Carns said:


> My wife makes more money than I do. She probably makes twice as much.
> With a lot of guidance and help... I hope we are stronger and stronger each given year to come. If I didn't feel that way right now... I would have left already.


This will destroy your marriage. It has happened to many time. She has already regretted marrying you. Now she will start resenting you as well. 

Your screwed and you don’t even see it or just refuse too.


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## David Carns

Just wanted to send a update.
We are still going to counseling (I think it will be awhile there) We go weekly an hour a week (our work schedules and our 9 month old son this is really the best we can do) But we are doing good-- for the most part.
Just wanted to share my update. I still check this site now and then and thank everyone for their support and feedback! Many blessings!


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## MyRevelation

Two pearls of wisdom I've gleaned from sites like this:

"The person in a relationship that cares the least, has the most power" ... and,

"When a person shows you who they really are ... BELIEVE THEM"

You admit you love your W more than she loves you, and you now know that she married you under false pretenses (and continues to deceive you) and has cheated on you (emotionally at least) and regrets marrying you, all in a relatively short time.

This whole scenario has TRAIN WRECK written all over it.

Also, something to consider ... when you come to a place seeking advice from those that have experience in what you're facing, and then you basically ignore it because its not what you want to hear ... exactly what does that say about your judgment / wisdom.

Through hindsight, most of us learned the hard way the consequences of ignoring the red flags in our relationships ... it appears you are going to do the same thing, but with full knowledge of the landmines and where they are located. This will lead to some serious self ass kickings in your future.


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## Mr.Married

An inexorable person is hard-headed and cannot be convinced to change their mind, no matter what. You can also say that a process, like the progress of a deadly illness, is inexorable because it can't be stopped. A speeding train with no brakes is inexorable; it's not stopping till it crashes.

The tracks are laid...the trains are present....time is all that is needed now.....a yearly calendar,not a stop watch in this case....it shall come to pass


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

David Carns said:


> My wife makes more money than I do. She probably makes twice as much.
> With a lot of guidance and help... I hope we are stronger and stronger each given year to come. If I didn't feel that way right now... I would have left already.


That answers the money question. But don't let that influence you, honestly the I wish I hadn't married him statement to OM is one of the huge tells in her tales.

Save yourself one way or the other. If you two R, you may not be able to trust her again.


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