# How did you cope with divorce . . .



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

. . . you know how it all goes. The financial uncertainty, the hurt, to some extent lonliness, prospect of losing/having to sell you home (which in my case is a small ranch and is very much my passion in life)?

Any advice would be great.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I got busy with interests and hobbies I'd neglected for years. I hung out with friends whenever I could. I too lost a house I loved, but just put that behind me - got a small condo and set it up to my tastes. And, since the divorce was a long time coming, I was ready to move on, so I started dating almost immediately. It worked out for the better.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For me it was a very sad transition on one hand, and a liberation on the other. However, the emotional toll was rough. It took several years to really get over it.

Get into some kind of counseling or coaching to help you through the process. I wish I would have, at the time. Instead I leaned too heavily on friends, and eventually you get to a point where they can't help you as they are not pro's.

Hang in there.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thank both, I guess the most difficult part is that I really wanted to try work it out but have just had to accept that I can't do that when he's not willing. As I'm sure many of you will know, that's tough.

Really wish there could have been a better outcome but we're out of options.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I was too busy rearing my young son and working my tail off to even think of coping - somehow I just did. When I wasn't doing that I was preparing for never ending court cases in which my ex continually applied for (and was denied) decreases in child support. My 30s and early 40s were so exhausting and stressful, I barely remember them.

My ex, on the other hand, got right back into the dating scene and married again - twice.

My advice would be to keep busy, make new friends, take up new hobbies and concentrate on moving forward.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Cosmos,

I strongly suspect that's what will happen here too in the sense that he'll move on FAST and I'll end up picking up the pieces. Sucks.

Sorry you had to go through that.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

There is always a chance of financial problems even in a marriage, in a marriage that didn't work out of course you are lonely and even worse in that marriage, you can lose a home to natural or man-made disaster...your spouse can become seriously ill and/or disabled mentally or physically. Or you can.

In other words your security and such were always an illusion. 
And they always will be.

If you want to have contentment and really own it no matter what don't base it on things that you can lose easily.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> There is always a chance of financial problems even in a marriage, in a marriage that didn't work out of course you are lonely and even worse in that marriage, you can lose a home to natural or man-made disaster...your spouse can become seriously ill and/or disabled mentally or physically. Or you can.
> 
> In other words your security and such were always an illusion.
> And they always will be.
> ...


Yeah, I do agree with that it's just so much harder when everything else is falling apart at the same time. My neighbours are my best friends and moving away from them will be a huge blow. They'll alweays be there but I'll really miss the closeness of just popping over the road and chatting. And I realize they could decide to move on at some point, change will alway happen, it's just a huge blow on top of everything else.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, do you have children? If so, a lot of your time will be taken up continuing to care for them, but if this is the case - don't put your own personal life on hold, to the extent that I did. I love my son dearly and being a mother is highly rewarding, but divorced parents also need to have a life of their own... 

If you don't have children (and even if you do), be cautious of dating or getting involved again too soon. Keep busy socially and work wise, but give yourself time to heal.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks Cosmos,

No kids which, in many ways, is a blessing in this situation. The advice is much appreciated. 

I know it'll get better in time just seems like there's a mountain to climb to get there!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I had a few awesome support groups. One in real life.... great girlfriends, my sister, my Ya-yas! 

And one online (midlifecrisisforum.com) with lots of people my age going thru the same thing. We encouraged each other to work on the marriage.... til you just can't anymore. When my ex walked out (literally snuck out)... I was ok with it. I'd done everything I could think of doing to TRY. 

I was encouraged to find inspirations everywhere...and I did. I painted murals that year.... cathartic. I passive/aggresively packed up all his stuff and added a whole lotta trash with it! (10 years later... he called me at xmas and asked me if I knew where his birth certificate is! LOL) I found a mantra.... "F..k you, and THANK you". And I found this old toy of the kids that was that stupid little gopher from Caddy Shack and he sang and danced... "I'm alright, nobody worry bout me...." All good stuff. 

I then worked at just being the best me for awhile.... trying to keep my kids happy and healthy, trying to keep me the same.... I think I floated around my pool for that first whole summer. (I'm a teacher.... and I THINK this was my way of just "being") for as long as I could afford to, before I had to get back to real life and get busy! Besides, put on a bikini and the kids will stay OUT of the backyard at all costs! 

So just find what is GOOD for you. What works for you. 

P.S. I ended up marrying a man from that online chat room.... and it's been 7 years of heaven and counting!


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> For me it was a very sad transition on one hand, and a liberation on the other. However, the emotional toll was rough. It took several years to really get over it.
> 
> Get into some kind of counseling or coaching to help you through the process. I wish I would have, at the time. Instead I leaned too heavily on friends, and eventually you get to a point where they can't help you as they are not pro's.
> 
> Hang in there.


I totally agree with this statement. I am still trying to get over my ex. He left me at the end of 2011 for another woman and moved on. I am finding that very hard. Leaning on your friends is also something that can be a problem. Go to counseling it will help you to transition. 
I wish you the best of luck.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You are going to find out how resilient and adaptable a person you really are. Having to re-create your life from scratch will expose your own values, and your own power to you. At first it will be frightening...but as you take care of yourself and your needs, and identify your needs and how you can meet them in this new environment and way of being, it will be amazing. Promise. Just check in with yourself every now and then and commend yourself on how well you are doing with creating "life".


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You are going to find out how resilient and adaptable a person you really are. Having to re-create your life from scratch will expose your own values, and your own power to you. At first it will be frightening...but as you take care of yourself and your needs, and identify your needs and how you can meet them in this new environment and way of being, it will be amazing. Promise. Just check in with yourself every now and then and commend yourself on how well you are doing with creating "life".


Thanks so much everyone, lots of great advice there. I appreciate the links too.

HNU, that's a great way to think about it, thank you for putting a positive note on this nasty situation. What you say is so true.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I would suggest to not worry about what you feel you should be doing according to customs; in other words, I didn't, and still don't, worry about dating. You may find that you are ok with the freedom of being single for a while. I did, so i didn't force myself to run out and have a woman on my arm all the time. I focus on my kids.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I was too busy rearing my young son and working my tail off to even think of coping - somehow I just did. When I wasn't doing that I was preparing for never ending court cases in which my ex continually applied for (and was denied) decreases in child support. My 30s and early 40s were so exhausting and stressful, I barely remember them.
> 
> My ex, on the other hand, got right back into the dating scene and married again - twice.
> 
> My advice would be to keep busy, make new friends, take up new hobbies and concentrate on moving forward.


Yup, yup. Except for me providing support it was him wanting custody but there wasn't much time for anything else.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks again everyone.

You're all spot on about dating. It's the furthest thing form my mind right now and honestly another man is the last thing I need for the forseeable future.

The most frustrating part of all of this is the lack of communication and unreasonalbe demands form him. It's really eating me up and the strees of it is almost overwhelming. There is so much to be figures out but I'm being completely stonewalled.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, I totally get that too. 

We didn't fight about anything afterward, he just didn't DO anything. I moved to Texas and offered to complete the divorce before I left... nope. No movement. 

In Tx., if you live separate for 3 years you can file no contest. Which is what I did. All of our finances were separated anyway and I didn't have any ties to him at that point. So when I filed from here, and he didn't reply.... no problem. I remember just being worried that he would die somehow, and as "wife" I'd have to deal with it. How low is that??! 

Anyway, figure out what you HAVE to deal with right now...like separating finances, getting legal advise, whatever... and what can wait. Maybe he'll mellow, maybe he'll work with you. I think maybe they just don't want to deal with the hassle, or the end of the marriage (no matter who's fault it was). 

Same advice as before tho... do what works for YOU.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I remember just being worried that he would die somehow, and as "wife" I'd have to deal with it. How low is that??!


It's not low at all, it's prudent. An abusive person will do whatever it takes to make you suffer!

I went to my divorce filing/mediation and specifically requested an order that took effect immediately, stating that if anything happened to him or his property it was not my responsibility (or liability.) As I was also requesting he have no contact with me or my children - his stepchildren (with good reason) this was granted to me immediately, no problems.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

OP, my suggestion to you is that if you are overwhelmed with paperwork, buy a separate USB device and scan everything in, also get a file box in which you can put everything, and some clips or document protectors to keep related documents together. That way, this paperwork and the mess/disarray it represents can be put away out of sight when you're not dealing with it directly. I also suggest a fire proof lock box for important documents. Backups and protection.... Don't let paperwork hassles and pitfalls throw a monkey wrench in your plans and destroy your hard work and diligent efforts.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

To add a little, I coped by allowing myself to feel like I needed to feel. In other words, when I felt down, I told myself, "This is normal." "How else should I feel; I just got a divorce, which is a huge thing in life." 

At first, I would come in from work and just hit the couch and lie there until bed-time. I would get up and fix something quick to eat and just lie around again.

It was bad in the beginning, but time passed and i would start to have ok days. I would then have periods when I felt fine, and then i would crash again for a while for whatever reason. These good periods began to be longer and longer until down times weren't nearly as bad as before. From what I've read, it sound like the opposite of using drugs where the highs get lower and lower; my highs got better and better, and my lows got to be minor. 

Although what I described may sound bad, I don't think i was ever technically depressed, I was just severely down in the dumps. If someone is truly depressed or suicidal, I'm sure help would be needed.

I've been divorced now over three years and have to say I'm doing well.



I didn't try to fix myself with dating. I allowed myself to get to know myself as a single person.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I honestly don't k now how I "coped" with it other than to take it one day at a time. Feel your feelings. Busy yourself with things. Find new hobbies, do something you have always wanted to. Travel. Stay home if you aren't feeling well. Go out if you are feeling sociable.

Time is on your side. And with each passing day, the blow hurts a little less and one day you wake up and think "Goodness, how did I survive that?'

You are resilient. The other side can be even more amazing than you ever imagined, too.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thank again everyone.

One day at a time seems to be helping a lot. Still very frustrated by the lack of communication and when I do get some communication it's so nasty and honestly just a waste of time.

Sigh .....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lookinforhelpandhope said:


> Still very frustrated by the lack of communication and when I do get some communication it's so nasty and honestly just a waste of time.


So the thing to do here is only communicate when necessary (regarding legalities of divorce). Otherwise, no sense in getting stressed about things unrelated to that. 

I wish you well. It's hard but you will get through it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If possible, only communicate through email. It gives you record of "discussions", and you can read them or answer them on your own terms and your own time.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks guys,

Jellybeans, so gfar the only communication has been around divorce/legalities and it's still an uphill battle. All I get are unreasonable demands and zero room for compromise.

SunnyT, that's a good idea. Thanks.


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