# Emotional Abuser



## Optimistic1 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi,

First time here and it looks like it's long overdue. My fiance and I finally had a big blowout where she actually left with a lot of her stuff and hasn't talked to me for a few days. She's coming around a little bit, but is still standoffish...I don't even know where she's staying. I realized through all of this that I am verbally and emotionally abusive. It is a two way street, but I am the dominant one by far and I'd like to focus on myself since that's what I can work on.

I've had a negative outlook on her career path and her work environment from the start considering she didn't seem extremely passionate about it and it's a 99% male industry. My insecurities have come out because she is a very attractive female surrounded around guys all day. She is prone to low self esteem and likes the attention. After this being a problem and fighting about it for a few years I started to let go and accept the work environment....momentarily.

Tied into this is a sexual aspect. I fantasize about her being with other men/women or foraying into swinging. We talk about our fantasies and sometimes they come to life. We had been talking a lot about her teasing the guys at work and dressing in a risky fashion to grab attention. I didn't believe she actually started doing it and told a group of guys I wanted her to have sex with another guy in front of me (which I'm not even sure of yet...it's just a fantasy at this point). This led to a lot of inappropriate talk/flirting between all of them for a few days and she became embarrassed after realizing they all thought of her as a dirty object. She told me she only did it for me and because she thought it would make me happy. I admittedly made it worst and said emotionally abusive things. I felt insecure and our sex life had crossed a line into her professional life. I like our fantasies, but only when they're private and secure is something I've realized after the fact. I like knowing guys want her, but it also makes me insecure.

I often say abusive things and don't realize it. I don't support her work or her friendships. I make her feel small and like she isn't good enough to do things on her own. I tell her she is beautiful and smart, etc. but she doesn't believe the words coming out of my mouth A) because my actions don't show it B) her own view of herself.

I ended up confronting the guys and said I felt disrespected and they all claimed nothing happened. They looked to her to back them up and she did, her story changed because she was embarrassed. I walked out and screamed at her for a while calling her all sorts of horrible names and saying I was going to leave. I was irate in that moment her loyalty went to those guys. I think I really shouldn't have gone at all and just trusted her to handle the problem and set it straight. We went home where I told her I couldn't be with someone who isn't loyal and she put her rings on the table and left. She actually left... She didn't talk to me for days. She is texting a little bit now but I still have no clue what's going to happen. I really hope she decides we're worth it to work it out. We both come from divorced parents so that is a big fear.

I feel horrible about myself and our relationship. I love her more than anything and I know I don't show it. I don't know how to have a normal relationship and I am an emotionally abusive partner. I want to work on this and find a solution so I can be a supportive partner in the relationship. If she comes back I know we will be doing therapy together. I would appreciate any other feedback concerning my anger, insecurity and abusive personality. Any books or certain type of counselor I should go see?

Thank you.

Optimistic1


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Oh boy. FIRST, you need to get into therapy. Now! You created this mess. You wanted her to act out YOUR fantasy and she did. Then you got mad and verbally abused her.

You say she is very attractive. So men will look and maybe flirt with her. But then you say she has low self esteem. So I wouldn't worry about her giving other men the time of day.

But for you to get mad at her for something you asked her to do? Shame on you. I'm sure she did it to make you happy. Get help. Tell her you are getting help. Apologize to whoever you jumped on that she works with.

With luck, she will give you another chance. And if she does, don't blow it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, you need to get into individual therapy. When a person acts out, it's in response to something going on inside of themself. When you are abusive to her, it's because you are feeling things that make you uncomfortable. But instead of using that trigger to step back and figure out what is going on inside of yourself... you lash out at her... blaming her as the source of your anger/frustration, etc.


If you don't get a handle on this, you will never have a good relationship with anyone.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

How long have you realized that you are behaving abusively? Many abusers are surprisingly unaware until it's too late. I think it is a good step that you are acknowledging this side of yourself, and HOW you are being abusive. 

You should seek individual counseling to discover why you are the way you are. Sadly, abuse is often a "learned" behavior that you have to unlearn. It is not something easily done on your own, even when you are aware that you are abusive.

The fact that she left is a huge wake-up call. She is fed up and needing change. If you are not committed to changing your behavior and taking action to correct it she may stay gone. Getting yourself into counseling is a good way for you to demonstrate that, but is primarily going to help you with your self-esteem and understanding. Making a permanent change while she is still living with you will be more difficult then if she stays away and gives you time to relearn ways of interacting and communicating. There are many sources online that encourage a separation during this time to increase your chances of success. Perhaps, in a few weeks you may attend counseling together, and she may want to attend individual counseling for herself as well - since she too has to unlearn being the "victim" (for lack of a better word). One thing I've learned about abuse is that it cannot happen alone - you require her participation/presence to make it work. If you were to go to counseling and she did not, chances are that you may both fall back into old patterns.

Once you begin counseling I would encourage you to stick with it, even if she decides not to come back to you. These are patterns that can play out in other relationships (between family/friends or future partners). You have to do this for YOU and no one else.

I wish you the best of luck. I was in an abusive relationship for many years - it began with verbal and progressed over time to physical. This is a progression you do not want to make if it hasn't happened already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't blame her for putting rings on the table and leaving.
You're right, she is beautiful, and she is smart.

It takes two to be abusive. 

I had typed up an explanation of why it was wrong for you to do what you did, but I deleted it because abusers have a way of soliciting that kind of information and using it to look remorseful and then get their co-dependent back.

Go to therapy. Like the others said.
Not joint therapy either. Just for yourself.
Put the rings away or return them.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It takes two to be abusive.


_*NO, no, no*_, a thousand times no. It does NOT take two to be abusive. Abusers are perfectly capable of being abusive all on their own. It is the 'it takes two' and 'blame the victim mentality' that makes it harder on the victim to seek help. You really need to read up on verbal and emotional abuse. 

Signed Sadebrown, a former victim of verbal and emotional abuse.


To the original poster I agree with the previous replies that you need therapy. You were way out of line by talking to her male co-workers about your fantasies. These are people she works with on a daily basis, you had no business discussing such things with them. You owe her a huge apology for putting her in that situation. And you did create this mess and then blame her for it. I hope that in the future you can learn the difference between personal and professional lives and learn to keep them separate.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I disagree. I was a "victim" too, and without my co-dependency my abuser would not have been able to abuse me.

I had to learn the hard way that abuse IS a two way street - you can't be responsible for anyone but yourself, and that includes staying in an abusive relationship. 

Abuser and victim are like two puzzle pieces - they will only fit with each other until one morphs and evolves.

I was with my ex for 5 years. Oh did I feel sorry for myself! He was soooo mean! He was cruel and he hit me! And of course, *I* never antagonized him, and I didn't leave after the first, second, tenth and twentieth times. I made the abuse that happened to me possible. I put 100% of the blame on him, even though I stayed.

I hate the word "victim". Really, you are only a victim ONCE in my opinion. The rest of the times you are tolerating/allowing/enabling instead of leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It takes two to be abusive.


I can't say how wrong I feel that statement is.
It does not take TWO to be abusive. Just one, and one is already too many.

OP If you know you are abusive, why did you wait until she left to do anything about it?

Wait. Don't answer that question. I know why; you didn't want to do anything about it. Now that she is gone you think if you do something she will come back. My suspicions tell me you are looking for simple excuses and things you can do to "trick" your fiance back, but I hope I'm wrong about that. I don't know how serious you are but these types of "changes" take time. 

Go to INDIVIDUAL therapy. I must emphasize individual because in abusive relationships couples therapy does not work. The only person who should be owning up and improving on their abusive behaviors is you.
I suggest you specifically look up therapists who specialize in abusive behaviors. Many therapists out there are not educated as adequately in the field of abuse.

Don't expect to get your fiance back. I will tell you that now. What you did is terrible and perhaps unforgivable but nevertheless it is in your best interest to change your attitude and abusive ways.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I disagree. I was a "victim" too, and without my co-dependency my abuser would not have been able to abuse me.
> 
> I had to learn the hard way that abuse IS a two way street - you can't be responsible for anyone but yourself, and that includes staying in an abusive relationship.
> 
> ...


I disagree with what you are saying.

An abusive relationship is NOT a two-way street. It is a one-way street where the victim gets forced along by the abuser.

Yes, a victim's co-dependency enables the abuser to continue his abuse, but to say that without co-dependency there would have been no abuse is hardly the truth. There are many other things that factor into the continuation of abuse, not to mention that many victims leave their abusers and they still get abused!

Domestic abuse is a cycle. The victim doesn't want to get abused (obviously) but they become unable to leave.

I stayed with my abusive ex for 6 years before leaving him.
I accept that I should have left earlier but I know I was a victim. It was not my fault that I got abused, not ever. 
For you to tell yourself that you are not a victim and you had to "learn the hard way", indicates to me that you are probably not fully healed from your abusive past. All I can tell you is that it was never your fault. You should not be blaming yourself, ever. The only person/thing you should be blaming is your abuser.

On topic, like I said earlier, the OP needs to get in touch with a good therapist who specializes in abusive behavior.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I went to individual therapy for a year.
It does take two for an abusive relationship to take place.
How could it be otherwise?
It takes one person to hold all of the control and power, and another person to be afraid and in denial and to remain in the relationship. Once you remove the victim (that would be us) then there is no more abusive relationship. 
Abuse can certainly happen in a void, but then it is typically called other things, such as suicide, drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, overspending, reckless behavior...

I was in an abusive relationship and I left.
Co-dependency is a serious mental health concern.
I took it seriously and sought treatment for it.
It is a critical component of an abusive, dangerous, toxic relationship.
You?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well we have to agree to disagree. My abuser used all sorts of tactics to force me to stay with him, and they worked because I allowed it.

The Line between Victims and Abusers | Psychology Today

One has to take responsibility and ownership for themselves and quit blaming others. If someone hits you or emotionally abuses you, leave. Don't stick around and wait for seconds.

I've been through the courts, domestic advocacy, therapy, all that. It's a hard pill to swallow for those who want to remain victims that they have the power to change their status anytime they chose.

Anyhow, the "victim" in this case left. If she gets help there's a good chance she won't allow this sort of thing again, but if she doesn't, I'm willing to bet money she'll be back in another similar relationship, replaying her role there, too.

Sorry if it seems harsh, but having been through it myself, I feel I'm more than qualified to give my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

applelemon said:


> The victim doesn't want to get abused (obviously) but they become unable to leave.


But we did! Leave that is. So what's the definition of 'unable' then.
I was in for 6 years as well.
So for 6 years, maybe 5, I was 'unable' to leave.
Then I became enabled.
Clearly I wasn't unable to leave.
That would just be yet more denial, which is how we ended up in the situation to begin with.
Cannot the abuser be just as 'unable' to stop the abuse, given that the victim stays?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> But we did! Leave that is. So what's the definition of 'unable' then.
> I was in for 6 years as well.
> So for 6 years, maybe 5, I was 'unable' to leave.
> Then I became enabled.
> ...


Exactly. I went through a year of homelessness to get out of my situation. No one will EVER tell me it's impossible - just improbable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> But we did! Leave that is. So what's the definition of 'unable' then.
> I was in for 6 years as well.
> So for 6 years, maybe 5, I was 'unable' to leave.
> Then I became enabled.
> ...


Yes, clearly "unable" was thw wrong word, (unless they are held hostage I guess). Thanks for pointing that out  .Perhaps "extremely difficult" is a better term.
Nonetheless, my point is that one person is all that is needed for abuse to happen. Ive seen one too many times where the "victim" leaves an abusive relationship, takes steps to protect themselves and is still yet subject the abuser's abuse. So in these cases who is to blame? Both abuser and victim?
Dont get me wrong Im not looking to argue aimlessly, but this is just a very different way of understanding abuse than the therapy I went through.
I was taught to accept what happened (whether it be inaction, denial, etc.) but to accept and sat that it was yours and the abuser's "fault", that I had to "learn the hard way"..... This is new to me. :-/
In my eyes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Optimistic1 (Jan 28, 2012)

I appreciate all the feedback so far. I am wondering if anyone can make a recommendation for the exact type of therapy or counseling I should seek (as far as what kind of professional to look for)? Reading everything people wrote brought up a lot of emotions. Is there by any chance someone here who has been in my shoes as the abuser and came out for the better who can give some advice or insight? I really feel like crap about who I am and what I've been doing my whole life. I didn't even know I was doing it until the past few days. I see that lots of people have been reiterating what I did, my realizations and possibly what the future holds and I'm not sure what positive impact it holds to keep repeating. I need help, I'm asking for help and I'm not looking to make guesses at the future based on what just happened. I want to deal with life now and fix the mess I've created.

SadieBrown - I didn't talk to the coworkers about our fantasies. She brought that up to them and starting flirting/teasing. I was wrong for trying to control the situation and go up there and tell them all I felt disrespected. I should have let her do that.


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