# How much should I compromise?



## romanticbigman (Dec 31, 2020)

I want to settle in my hometown to be close to my family and friends – I have slept with a few girls a long time ago that are still in circles of friends. They are mainly in my secondary circle of friends in my hometown, although things can change quickly in a small town – my best friend’s brother and another guy in the main circle seem to be in contact with one of the girls.

My girlfriend (foreign) feels disgust when she thinks of them being near me.
On top of never wanting to go to a social gathering where one is present, she is also uncomfortable when I’m with my friends and they are there.

I think my gf will agree to trial living in my hometown if I make a few compromises / sacrifices.

She is fine if I invite the lads out for a drink etc and the girls show up, but doesn’t want me to go somewhere that I know the girls already are.

I can’t see myself sticking to a blanket rule like this – if all my friends are somewhere (which is rare these days) and one of the girls is there I won’t not go.

She wants me to never go to the home of the girls (one I’m closest to lives nearby with my friend – ie her bf).
I could agree to this but I imagine I will need some further compromise.

Not ideal but neither is discarding a girl I still love.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your girlfriend sounds insecure and like she doesn't trust you but regardless, most women wouldn't be okay with you casually hanging out with women you've had sex with. Who is more important to you? Your girlfriend, or the women you've ****ed along the way?


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She is insecure because you used to date your friends and not just one, and you are still friend with them ir around them. Give her time and try not to be in contact a lot with those girls. You would have felt the same if you had to be around boys she used to date.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

What makes you feel more fulfilled as a person? Your girlfriend, or your friends...including these women?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

marcy* said:


> She is insecure because you used to date your friends and not just one, and you are still friend with them ir around them. Give her time and try not to be in contact a lot with those girls. You would have felt the same if you had to be around boys she used to date.


Pretty much my thoughts as well. I personally think she is being MORE reasonable and accommodating than I would be in her shoes. 

Something is wrong with YOU if you can’t see her perspective on this. Of course she doesn’t want you hanging around your ex lovers!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I can't figure out how to hate the guys who had the same good taste in women I have, so my W's exes aren't my enemies. Neither of us are jealous about exes as long as they stay exes. So I am on your side in this.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Simple. Get a new girlfriend who isn't so insecure, or don't move back - and still get a new gf who actually trusts you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you have to live there? There is a big wide world out there, cant you settle in another place and have a fresh start together?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

romanticbigman said:


> I want to settle in my hometown to be close to my family and friends – I have slept with a few girls a long time ago that are still in circles of friends. They are mainly in my secondary circle of friends in my hometown, although things can change quickly in a small town – my best friend’s brother and another guy in the main circle seem to be in contact with one of the girls.
> 
> My girlfriend (foreign) feels disgust when she thinks of them being near me.
> On top of never wanting to go to a social gathering where one is present, she is also uncomfortable when I’m with my friends and they are there.
> ...


This would be red flags for me. This has too much possibility of her reading more into things than are there. She may not be able to remain friends with ex's, but that doesn't mean you can't. If she is going to start out this distrustful, when you haven't done anything wrong, what makes you think it's going to get any better?

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think it's kind of funny that she's dealing with this just by trying to get you to not go to any place they will be, because if she disapproves of all that, then she disapproves of you and you aren't right for each other. You can't just object to the trail of lovers a person has left but not object to the person himself if it's that important to you. This is a bit like these stories we hear on here of men objecting to their women having past lovers except she thinks she can make it all go away by just avoiding. I don't have a problem with people who have passed lovers and are still friends with them or whatever, but she does and so I give this zero chance of working out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t feel that her not wanting her guy hanging out with exes is being distrustful, it’s just reasonable expectations. If he wants to hang out with his exes, let him date them.
All these “friends” of the opposite sex, that is the red flag on his part to me.

She is from a foreign country if I read correctly. They haven’t been dating all that long, and he is wanting her to move with him to HIS hometown, AWAY from her friends and relatives. She is correctly and in a normal way needing some reassurances that he’s going to be loyal to her.

How can anyone think that SHE is the one with red flags? Him being friends with all these women that are exes and “hanging out” with them..... that’s a red flag to me.

It’s not a surprise that exes are the most common persons that people cheat with, statistically. His gf apparently is not so naive. And she’s not even demanding that he not hang out with his friends if one of his exes arrives, but that he not go with foreknowledge of them being there. 

And I would like to know this: where is all this hanging out occurring at? A bar? That’s the visual image I’m seeing, because if it was a normal friends doing things together type of event, I would think he’d want his gf there and that she’d want to attend as well. 

If it is at a bar that these friends and exes are getting together, I would suggest to her that she just break up with him.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

If the situations were reversed, and a guy's girlfriend was wanting to move back to a hometown where she had several guy friends that were ex-lovers, or at the very least she had slept with, I doubt most men would jump at the chance of living there. I doubt most men would like that girlfriend going out drinking with those guys, or even just one of them. And I know I for sure would NOT like her going to some guy's friends house or apartment. WTH do you need to do there?! Rate his interior decorating skills? 

All that aside, OP, it might help if you clarify a few things: 
What ages did these...sleepovers happen? 10+ years ago? 20+ years ago? 12 months ago? If this isn't in the distant past, I see an issue. 
Some of the things you mention do sound like legitimate insecurities. But what kind of social settings are you mentioning? Like, work functions? Going out and drinking (which I would also say can be dangerous if you don't maintain healthy boundaries). Which...by the way...how are you able to go out? Because...pandemic?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You don't say how these exes behave around you, with without your gf /wife. Do these women like reminding you two that they've known you longer, including "if you know what I mean." do these exes try to contact you through whatever means? if so, how do you respond? With speed and purpose or just casual whenever? Have they tried initiating activities with you?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Where is your GF from? Just curious.

IMO, you have a choice to make here. Who is more important to you, your GF or your exes?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You should invite your friends over if that's all they are and give her a chance to get to know them.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Enigma32 said:


> Where is your GF from? Just curious.
> 
> IMO, you have a choice to make here. Who is more important to you, your GF or your exes?


My W is more important to me than nearly everything, but if she "forbids" me to do something my first question is if she has a sensible objection.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> My W is more important to me than nearly everything, but if she "forbids" me to do something my first question is if she has a sensible objection.


Sounds reasonable but I don't think a woman saying she doesn't want her guy out hanging around with a bunch of girls he used to bang is unreasonable either.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

No real point in the "right vs wrong" argument here.

Fact is, you both have very different ideas on what is acceptable behavior in a relationship. Do you really think that is going to get better over time? Don't try to ignore what is staring you in the face. It will still be there, regardless.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Enigma32 said:


> Sounds reasonable but I don't think a woman saying she doesn't want her guy out hanging around with a bunch of girls he used to bang is unreasonable either.


I suspect we disagree on the answer to this question, but I would agree this is a better way of looking at it.


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## romanticbigman (Dec 31, 2020)

Some very thoughtful responses, thanks 

We have been dating over 2 years, she is Polish.

She is more important than anyone but I don’t want to sacrifice friendships to demonstrate this.

She makes me feel more fulfilled than my friends but I am a social creature and fear I will have feelings of loneliness and possibly eventual resentment towards her (or myself) for limiting my freedom too much.

Evinrude – there is zero chance of me cheating on her and I don’t look at any other girls sexually. 
I imagine the hangout would be in a bar or someone’s house – ideally for me she would not have an issue and come along but she said she never wants to meet the girls.

Timewise I slept with them all about 10 years ago, most if not all of them are in relationships now. 
I have not been in direct contact with any of the girls in 1.5 years - if they were not mingled with my circles of friends, cutting them off would not be an issue.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

romanticbigman said:


> I want to settle in my hometown to be close to my family and friends – I have slept with a few girls a long time ago that are still in circles of friends. They are mainly in my secondary circle of friends in my hometown, although things can change quickly in a small town – my best friend’s brother and another guy in the main circle seem to be in contact with one of the girls.
> 
> My girlfriend (foreign) feels disgust when she thinks of them being near me.
> On top of never wanting to go to a social gathering where one is present, she is also uncomfortable when I’m with my friends and they are there.
> ...


I consider myself a secure person, and I would have a problem with this. In fact, so would my husband...he definitely would NOT want me hanging around or seeing anyone I may have proverbially slept with. And I sure as heck wouldn't want him hanging out or seeing any girls he slept with. 

You can see your male friends without seeing these girls you slept with. Try to put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes...would you want her to see/hang out with men she slept with that are still somehow 'in the circle'?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m not of the mindset as you. And my thoughts may be similar to your gf’s.

People drink at bars. People look for other people of the opposite sex at bars. Drinking lowers inhibitions and impairs judgement.
Exes are the most common person people cheat with. By putting yourself in a social situation where your exes are at, you are putting yourself in a situation where they or another woman can interact with you. It could lead to feelings, and temptation.
Therefore, I would find it a dealbreaker for a woman that I was romantically involved with to hang out at bars with men around drinking beer. If she wants to do that, she can be single. If she wants to go spend time with her female friends, fine. Meet friends/coworkers at lunch or a special event, fine. Going out drinking and socializing with other men who are also drinking, not fine. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. 

I realize that my point of view and my opinion is just that, mine. Not yours.

I’m only telling you my opinion because it sounds like your gf has a similar one.

It doesn’t matter that YOU are comfortable with it because you have no intention of cheating and have no desire for your ex Gf’s. I understand that if you love your gf, you very well just want to hang out with your buds and not have to worry about an ex gf showing up. Your gf says she’s ok with that.
But your gf is NOT comfortable with you going out knowing they are there, and if she’s like me, it would worry the hell out of her and she’d build resentment because she would feel you don’t care about her feelings of anxiety about it.

My recommendation would be that you do as she asks and not go to bars and drink with your buds where women are present. That alone will likely cause your Gf to worry. If she doesn’t like going to bars, I’d say you likely have a keeper. She isn’t interested in that kind of atmosphere, which I think is a good thing.

i can see that your view of a bar and social environment is totally different from mine. No biggie. Different strokes for different folks.

You and your gf May be incompatible in this aspect. So what are you going to do about it? She’s willing to move with you to YOUR hometown. That says to me she really likes you and is placing a lot of trust in you.

Try not to ignore how your presence around ex gf’s make her feel. I really don’t think she’s an insecure monster for feeling this way, and has communicated her feelings in a very reasonable manner. She’s not trying to keep you from your buddies. She just doesn’t want you out in an environment of drinking and socializing with your exes. That’s normal I think. You can bet you’re not going to change her mind on this, even if she doesn’t say anything. I wouldn’t.

picture this: you are in Poland visiting your wife’s relatives with her. You and she are invited to the local pub by her brothers or friends and she and her old friends are talking. You go to the bathroom. You come out and across the bar, you see your gf with her friends. A guy comes up and smiles and gives her a big hug because he hasn’t seen her in years. He talks her up and is quite clearly enjoying her company. He sits down beside her and chats her up. She doesn’t feel she’s done anything wrong, she isn’t! The guy stays a little too long. You watch what’s going on and don’t approach just because you’re curious.
He stays there chatting with her.

I’m curious. About how long would it take for you to get a little jealous and go make your presence known and let the guy know that he’s in YOUR seat?

I’m not so insecure it would bother me much as in the scenario presented, but I’d not be so happy with an ex bf chatting up my gf or wife in a bar when I wasn’t present. And that is what your gf wouldn’t want either. This is what worries her. It’s not necessarily that she doesn’t trust you, it’s that she has no reason to trust THEM. And let’s be honest, you thought they were hot once, or you wouldn’t have dated them. No man is totally immune to attention from a beautiful woman. Even if I wouldn’t cheat, I might still enjoy the attention. Your gf worries about how much you might enjoy it. Is that insecurity? Well everyone has some insecurity about something. It doesn’t mean they’re damaged or broken. It means they’re human. I hope I haven’t bored you..
Just my thoughts.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The key word in the whole diatribe is girlfriend. 

We'll get back to that.

Honestly tell her you're not looking to interact or hang out with former girlfriends, that's never going to be a thing for you. And of course mean it.

You can't control who's out where with whatever groups of friends, despite what she thinks, or you think, so not bumping into groups with a specific make up is impossible to commit to.

Back to the word girlfriend.

She's your girlfriend not your wife. So you're the one to decide how much to suck up to her likely insecurities. 

Imho she's a little right AND you're a little right. Welcome to the maturation process.


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## romanticbigman (Dec 31, 2020)

Tried talking about it but got nowhere - as well as me, she herself wants to avoid these girls which would be impossible if we settle in my hometown.

She would not attend a wedding for example if they were there, and went as far as saying she would worry about our future children becoming friends with their children.

She says seeing them will remind her of my past and give her trauma.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You know op that your name says an awful lot about you. 
Romantic Big Man. Yeah.........
I’m sure you see yourself as the prodigal Casanova returning to his harem. 
Do this girl a favor and break up with her, it will leave you free to pursue all your old exes. 
Who knows, maybe they haven’t grown up either.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

romanticbigman said:


> Tried talking about it but got nowhere - as well as me, she herself wants to avoid these girls which would be impossible if we settle in my hometown.
> 
> She would not attend a wedding for example if they were there, and went as far as saying she would worry about our future children becoming friends with their children.
> 
> She says seeing them will remind her of my past and give her trauma.


Wow, she sounds crazy. 

Maybe somewhere someone has said "She seemed crazy but the marriage turned out great." but I'm more familiar w/ the opposite.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

romanticbigman said:


> Evinrude – there is zero chance of me cheating on her and I don’t look at any other girls sexually.


You actually cheating is not going to be the problem. Any female in your life, especially if you have a past, will be seen in her eyes as you cheating or wanting to cheat with them. This could well extend to female co-workers that you get along with.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

romanticbigman said:


> Tried talking about it but got nowhere - as well as me, she herself wants to avoid these girls which would be impossible if we settle in my hometown.
> 
> She would not attend a wedding for example if they were there,
> *I can understand that. My husband's ex fiance' is from the same town as him, and she lives not far from us. You best believe I don't want to be anywhere she is, and that's not me being insecure, there's no NEED for me to be around her hating on me or my husband. Especially that my husband's side would SURELY invite her, but thankfully they never have, b/c it would never be tolerated. *
> ...


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sorry, my comments are in bold.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You would not be in this situation if you didn’t go bragging to your wife of all the women you have bedded and told her their names and showed her their social media pictures etc. 

If you had kept your private business private, this would all be a nonissue.

Me thinks you like the drama and brought it on yourself.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

For me, the concern in situations like these wouldn't be the drinking, or catching up in bars. It would be the risk of getting caught up in the moment, during a trip down memory lane..."remember the time..."

The thing is OP, is your gf's concerns are valid. This is how a LOT of affairs start - and neither participant intended for it to happen. Read the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass, it's a great read and a real eye opener.


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## romanticbigman (Dec 31, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> You would not be in this situation if you didn’t go bragging to your wife of all the women you have bedded and told her their names and showed her their social media pictures etc.
> 
> If you had kept your private business private, this would all be a nonissue.
> 
> Me thinks you like the drama and brought it on yourself.


I didn't brag about it - she went through my email and found out I had a promiscuous past. Since then she asked me to specifically tell her who I slept with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

romanticbigman said:


> I didn't brag about it - she went through my email and found out I had a promiscuous past. Since then she asked me to specifically tell her who I slept with.


Doesn’t change anything I said. You wouldn’t be in this situation if you didn’t give names, dates and places.

She’s not entitled to the names and places and other specifics of your prior personal life.

Nor are you obligated to disclose that personal information.

You have a right to your privacy. 

If she’s going into your private information and causing this kind of stink, you may want to reevaluate this relationship.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

romanticbigman said:


> I didn't brag about it - she went through my email and found out I had a promiscuous past. Since then she asked me to specifically tell her who I slept with.


Why did you still have emails suggesting a promiscuous past?

Why was that even being discussed?

How old were they?

Something doesn't smell right here.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

romanticbigman said:


> I didn't brag about it - she went through my email and found out I had a promiscuous past. Since then she asked me to specifically tell her who I slept with.


Man, I can't believe the responses you are getting from some people. Mind as well lock yourself in and throw the key away. It's like you're some cheating fiend on the prowl; before your girlfriend knows it you've done every woman in town. 
Your past is your past, that shouldn't be part of any equation of you going back to live in your hometown. Here in these forums you'll find a lot of jaded people with a negative agenda toward relationships. The bottom line is that she's only a girlfriend. You guys are suppose to be finding out if you are compatible for a lifetime commitment. She's showing a lot insecurities and making irrational and controlling demands. This does not bodes well for the future. I f I were you, I would let the girlfriend know that you're going back there whether she accepts it or not, and let her make her decision for herself. Do not start caving in to irrational demands; otherwise you will start setting precedents from which you will have hard time getting out of in the future when you are more invested. Be strong don't let anyone demand **** from you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

romanticbigman said:


> Some very thoughtful responses, thanks
> 
> *We have been dating over 2 years, she is Polish.*
> 
> ...


A few thoughts, Since you seem serious about your GF. May I suggest that you really communicate with her to learn her concerns. If it were my GF, I would suspect that her cultural background might be a factor.

Let me explain, it is my understanding that women in Russia and Ukraine have certain low expectations regarding the men in their lives. I suspect it has to do with how hard life in the former USSR and its Soviet satellite states was. I don't know if Poland is similar or not. But in Russia and Ukraine, women pretty much expect their men to cheat or at least that cheating is much more common. Male Alcoholism is also a big problem. Again, I have only been to Poland twice and both times briefly, so I don't claim to understand its culture or what the cultural expectations of someone of your GF's age. You should probably find out and understand what her fears are. As to her being the one afraid, heck yes. However, it may or may not be an overreaction depending on what she has seen growing up.

If you really love this woman as you seem to imply, why don't you tell her that you would like to do some pre-marriage couples counseling to help the two of you plan your future. Good couples counseling can help you figure out what you want and what you want your relationship to be like in 5 years, 10 years, 25 years, etc. It also helps to discuss children, obligations to parents and family, religion, money and a host of other important things. 

Good luck.


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