# I've been "planning" this for +8 years but can't seem to do it. HELP?



## SadLove (Apr 8, 2015)

We've been married for 25 years this coming May. When the kids were younger I dreamed of D but knew I had to wait for them to grow up and leave home first. So now both children are either in college or graduated and working, both away from home. Wife has had a long relationship with alcohol, this one has lasted 6 years and is growing. Yesterday I had to take her car away because she drove drunk AGAIN. After repeated warnings I had no alternative. She's been to 3 different treatment facilities, costing us a fortune, without the slightest improvement. Last week I told her, her parents, her sisters, and our children that if I come home and she's drunk again I will have to leave. It took 2 whole days of sobriety, but when I had to go to the ER she took the opportunity to get hammered. I begged and pleaded and she lasted 4 more sober days until yesterday (a record for the last 6 years by the way). She rear-ended an old lady in a parking lot. The cop didn't check her sobriety but when we got home I did and she blew a .06 (this was 2 weeks ago). Anyway her car repair was complete so she came to pick me up in my company's truck so we could go get her car, and she was drunk. I had repeatedly told her that if she drinks and drives again I would take the car. I had to follow through and have, so the car is gone. She has never supported herself, hardly worked a day in her life, wants me to buy her a Porsche, threatens suicide if I leave, but keeps drinking. I'm exhausted. The kids both tell me I have a right to be happy and that I should leave her, but I have a deep sense of duty/responsibility after all I did vow "for better for worse....till death do us part". I work from 7am until 7pm. I do all the cooking. I pay for a weekly maid. She contributes absolutely nothing to the relationship except dysfunction and misery. Someone, Please. Tell me I'm an idiot and to get out today. Tell me it's ok. Tell me it's unfair to ME to stay.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SadLove said:


> The kids both tell me I have a right to be happy and that I should leave her, but I have a deep sense of duty/responsibility *after all I did vow "for better for worse....till death do us part".*


All bets are off when it comes to addicts who won't help themselves. She has violated her vows to you over and over by betraying you with the bottle.

I'm sorry you're here. And yes, you should get out, and it's unfair to YOU if you stay. It sounds like your kids fully support your decision.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

HELL YES. You absolutely should divorce her. You've given her so many chances, and you already have the biggest obstacle covered--your kids are behind you!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You have become addicted to the drama. You have stayed too long and now it is more difficult to leave.

If you let her hit rock bottom earlier, there is a higher probability of her being healthier today. The best thing you could of done is leaving her and letting her face the consequences of her actions, but you had limited those consequences for her to learn from.

You wonder why people are addicted to reality TV, the drama hooks them in. Sometimes we cannot help but stay and watch a train wreck in action.

If you want to lower the probability of a divorce or worse happening, leave her. Watch her actions, and do not rescue her.


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## SadLove (Apr 8, 2015)

I really do love and care for her. But when the end of the day comes and I get in my car to go home I start feeling sick. I know she will be drunk again. Every Day! 

She lies to me about her drinking but I know and usually confront her and get her to admit the truth. 

Addiction is sad, sad thing. I've quit totally just because of her.

I'm rich, handsome, OFTEN called father-of-the-year and/or husband-of-the-year. Our friends talk about our love for each other as an example to others. I just don't understand how someone can throw a lifetime of love away???!

I'm so lonely, sad, heartbroken, traumatized, tired, etc.


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## SadLove (Apr 8, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You have become addicted to the drama. You have stayed too long and now it is more difficult to leave.
> 
> If you let her hit rock bottom earlier, there is a higher probability of her being healthier today. The best thing you could of done is leaving her and letting her face the consequences of her actions, but you had limited those consequences for her to learn from.
> 
> ...


I'm wealthy. How do I leave and let her remain in a +$1million house and some sort of allowance and her not find money to spend on her habit? Maybe I sell the house first and as soon as that's done tell her to find her own place? I guess this is where I need legal advice?!?


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## SadLove (Apr 8, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> HELL YES. You absolutely should divorce her. You've given her so many chances, and you already have the biggest obstacle covered--your kids are behind you!


It's just so damn hard to do to someone you love but I do think it's the best way to help her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SadLove said:


> I'm wealthy. How do I leave and let her remain in a +$1million house and some sort of allowance and her not find money to spend on her habit? Maybe I sell the house first and as soon as that's done tell her to find her own place? *I guess this is where I need legal advice?!?*


Yes, you definitely need legal advice.

After a 25-year marriage with her as a stay-at-home mother, you will definitely be on the hook for some hefty spousal support. Depending on your state, it could very well be for the rest of her life . As well as splitting half of all your assets. And half of your retirement.

You can't control how she will spend the money you give her. If she drinks herself into oblivion, there really isn't much you can do about it . Maybe your kids will have some influence once she is on her own.

Hire a good attorney.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SadLove said:


> I have a deep sense of duty/responsibility after all I did vow "for better for worse....till death do us part". I work from 7am until 7pm. I do all the cooking. I pay for a weekly maid. She contributes absolutely nothing to the relationship except dysfunction and misery. Someone, Please. Tell me I'm an idiot and to get out today. Tell me it's ok. Tell me it's unfair to ME to stay.


I've promised myself after putting up with a disfunsctional marriage for over 20 years, once I get to the point you are where the kids are on their own, I'm leaving...on my terms. Like you, my wife contributes absolutely nothing to the marriage except for disfunction and misery. I think you've done all you can and now you have to leave her to her alcoholism.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SadLove said:


> I'm rich, handsome, OFTEN called father-of-the-year and/or husband-of-the-year. Our friends talk about our love for each other as an example to others.


Where do you live? I'll be available soon!  (I kid, I kid).

You may be doing the most loving thing of all by letting her hit rock bottom . 

You need to see an attorney before you do anything.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Consider that you've enabled her. Had you left years ago she might have had to face her issues. You've done her no favors by continuing to bail her out.

Draw the line now and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You said she's been in treatment several times. Did you, your children and her parents and siblings get any therapy?

I am not relieving her of her responsibility to be a sober grown up at all. But if she were to attempt getting sober again, the current dynamic has to change. Obviously whatever is going on right now is really the perfect environment to allow her to be hammered all the time. You say your friends all envy your relationship, has she managed to hide her addiction from them? 

It sounds as if your only hope would be at the very least separation. Her entering a long term treatment facility. They are expensive, but so is divorce. It would certainly be cheaper than the Porsche she is asking for and isn't sober enough to operate. 

This situation is sad. I wish you the best, please look into counseling with someone who specializes in codependent relationships/addiction.

ETA: One of my close friends is currently 9 years sober. She is very wealthy, from a main line Philly old money family. Her husband (now Ex) dropped her off at Caron Foundation (rehab) and went home and packed. It was her 5th attempt at rehab. I stayed with her when she returned home to her empty house. She did the work and stayed sober. Her clean up crew (lawyer husband) was gone.


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## SadLove (Apr 8, 2015)

Thank you all.


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## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

I know this is a sticky situation, have you ever kicked her out and turned away from her? You seemed to have done so much this far maybe separation (kicking her out) at this point is worth a try before you go thru a legal mess. 

Once you arent enabling her then she may have no choice but to wake up from her drunk fog and seek the help on her own. Im sure you have tried many things, I dont have much experience in this matter but I am a tough love person and sometimes thats what it takes.....tough love. I am not trying to be insensitive.

Just my thought.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Letting her see the results of her addiction, how her love ones want to be away from her, can be a real jolt of reality. Her motivation to continue the addiction is stronger than the consequences she has faced so far. If she lost her husband, her children, and friends and family take a critical look at her, pretty much societal pressure, she may fight to gain back the people she loves.

Right now she has those attachments, and the alcohol.

Kristen is right, your family needs therapy, and the tools on how to handle the situation.


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## SadLove (Apr 8, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Where do you live? I'll be available soon!  (I kid, I kid).


No way Jose'! I've learned my lesson about love. None for me, thanks!!


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## SadLove (Apr 8, 2015)

I've tried Ala-Non but it just seemed everyone sat around and complained but DID nothing. Support, I guess? 

Yes, I've thought about her leaving and will talk to attorney about that. Would be best to help her get to rock bottom. 

I know I need therapy. Kids too. Have made appointments only to have to reschedule....twice (because of her).

It's kinda hard to work 12 hour days AND find a Doc that'll see you at night...

Sad


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

SadLove said:


> I've tried Ala-Non but it just seemed everyone sat around and complained but DID nothing. Support, I guess?
> 
> Yes, I've thought about her leaving and will talk to attorney about that. Would be best to help her get to rock bottom.
> 
> ...


I think groups like Al-Anon are great and life saving for many. They aren't for everyone, but the principles of the group are sound. You and your kids will need coping skills to deal with her now and in the future. Even if you divorce, you are going to have to co-parent.

As far as therapy, if you can't find the time. Then you sound like your priorities are in another place. That is fine, being married to an addict has to be awful and you should be able to walk away. 

If I were you and was not up to seeing her through rehab. Get to a lawyer pronto. She is a huge drunk driving lawsuit waiting to happen and your assets will evaporate pretty quickly when she hurts someone while she is driving around drunk.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Since she is driving drunk I would divorce rather than just separate because if she hurts or kills someone odds are they will go after you since you have the money in the family. My Mom tolerated my Dad's drinking and counted the days until we kids graduated from high school and then she filed for divorce. Thankfully he never drove drunk. He continued to drink for a couple of years after the divorce and then got sober and remarried.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My sister left her alcoholic husband once her kids were almost done high school. It was the hardest thing she ever did.

Afterwards, she can't believe she stayed in the relationship so long. Wishes she would have left years sooner.

Her exhusband never quit drinking. A couple of times I heard him say things like, 'she was the best thing that ever happened to him'. 'she was smart to leave me'. He loved her, but he couldn't stop drinking. 

He died last year at 57 years old from liver failure.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's time to stop doing the same thing over and over again. It hasn't worked. You know you can't do anything to stop her. ASK FOR HELP!

It's time for *you* to get help. Don't be concerned about what friends and family think. Don't think it beneath you to ask someone for help, face to face, either. It's okay not to be able to do this on your own. FIND A COUNSELOR! One familiar with alcoholism. Ask your family doctor. 

Stop enabling her. Cut off her resources to harm herself. Whether you leave or not, start the process now. See your family lawyer and start to separate. 

Get into to a meeting, ASAP... Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups. *Use their resources.* Try another meeting if the one you went to didn't feel right. 

Here is another resource. Friends and Family of Alcoholics

Best


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SadLove said:


> We've been married for 25 years this coming May. When the kids were younger I dreamed of D but knew I had to wait for them to grow up and leave home first. So now both children are either in college or graduated and working, both away from home. Wife has had a long relationship with alcohol, this one has lasted 6 years and is growing. Yesterday I had to take her car away because she drove drunk AGAIN. After repeated warnings I had no alternative. She's been to 3 different treatment facilities, costing us a fortune, without the slightest improvement. Last week I told her, her parents, her sisters, and our children that if I come home and she's drunk again I will have to leave. It took 2 whole days of sobriety, but when I had to go to the ER she took the opportunity to get hammered. I begged and pleaded and she lasted 4 more sober days until yesterday (a record for the last 6 years by the way). She rear-ended an old lady in a parking lot. The cop didn't check her sobriety but when we got home I did and she blew a .06 (this was 2 weeks ago). Anyway her car repair was complete so she came to pick me up in my company's truck so we could go get her car, and she was drunk. I had repeatedly told her that if she drinks and drives again I would take the car. I had to follow through and have, so the car is gone. She has never supported herself, hardly worked a day in her life, wants me to buy her a Porsche, threatens suicide if I leave, but keeps drinking. I'm exhausted. The kids both tell me I have a right to be happy and that I should leave her, but I have a deep sense of duty/responsibility after all I did vow "for better for worse....till death do us part". I work from 7am until 7pm. I do all the cooking. I pay for a weekly maid. She contributes absolutely nothing to the relationship except dysfunction and misery. Someone, Please. Tell me I'm an idiot and to get out today. Tell me it's ok. Tell me it's unfair to ME to stay.


So sorry to hear all of this. You are married to an addict and this is what addicts do. You will lose your physical and mental health if you continue the way you are. You need help for yourself, you are in a co dependent relationship and need Al-Anon or similar support. The following is taken from somewhere on the internet, I printed it off for myself when my husband was having a major problem with alcohol. (sorry don't remember the source)

1. You cannot nor will you change her behavior
2. You cannot make her treat you better, let alone respect you
3. you cannot make her care about your boundaries. She will step on you and the boundaries.
4. All she cares about, all she thinks about is her own needs, and how to go about fulfilling them. You are only a tool to her, something to use. 
5. When she says she loves you, she is lying through her teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. She wouldn't be using if she loved herself and since she doesn't she cannot love you. 
6. Her feelings are so pushed down and numbed b her alcohol that she could be considered a sociopath. She has no empathy for you or anyone else. It does not faze her that she hurts you, leaves you alone, lies to you, cheats you, and spends your money.
7. Her behavior cannot and will not change until she makes a decision to stop using alcohol and then follow it up with an action plan.
8 Until she makes that decision she will hurt you again and again.

Stop being surprised. You need to get off the roller coaster and get help for your self and follow a 12 step program. Focus on YOU, not her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry didn't read your thread that you did not like Al-Anon.
You might want to consider Bottledup, they are a UK based organisation, all online. Different approach to Al-Anon

Living with an alcoholic and the signs of alcoholism | bottled-up.com


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