# Sexless marriage, affair then guilt. Now what?



## JustAnotherGuy33

We're in our mid thirties and healthy. Still fancy my wife, but we've had sex about 1-2 times per year, for a few years now. Tried talking about it, a few times, it upsets her that we aren't having more sex and I try my best to comfort her by saying it's not an issue and it doesn't bother me and if there is something we can do to help... But it does bother me.

She's has very low sex drive, never initiates it, does not like taking about sex. The rare time she wants sex, I'll make sure she'll climax but I might not have enough time myself, before she's too sensitive. And since she's not up for other intimate activities I have been looking after myself for years. I eventually, decided to have an affair, we met 4 times and it was incredible sex. Then I felt really down, most likely guilt, so we broke it off.
Went on holiday recently, nice hot weather, both relaxed and away from any stress. We had sex once in the 2 weeks and it was obvious she was just waiting for me to finish, which kills the mood for me completely. First thing she said after 10 minutes of sex "your hard to make c** these days". 
Not even sure if there is a question in all this... Anyone else experiencing the same thing? Any advice?


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## snowbum

Should have divorced. Being honest man instead of a cowardly liar is always best choice. Are you looking for acceptance? What if it was your wife that made an ass out if you in this way?


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## JustAnotherGuy33

1. Kids complicate matters. I believe kids benefit from having a happy family environment. That is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for my kids.
2. Sex is the only aspect of the relationship that is not working. We have built a pretty amazing life together.

Hoping to chat to people who are wanting to talk about this, have some insight, maybe have similar experiences. Not interested in someone taking one look and concluding divorce straight away as if they have the easy solution to a complicated situation (sorry no offence).


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## snowbum

By not being honest with your wife you are failing to let ghee decide. If she wouldn’t be happy about the affair, she’d only happy because you’re lying to her


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## JustAnotherGuy33

Ghee? Ah ok. So this is not a forum for real conversion. Gotcha..


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## snowbum

What do you want to discuss? How to keep it hidden? If it’s acceptable? What other peoples affairs were like?


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## Anastasia6

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> 1. Kids complicate matters. I believe kids benefit from having a happy family environment. That is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for my kids.
> 2. Sex is the only aspect of the relationship that is not working. We have built a pretty amazing life together.
> 
> Hoping to chat to people who are wanting to talk about this, have some insight, maybe have similar experiences. Not interested in someone taking one look and concluding divorce straight away as if they have the easy solution to a complicated situation (sorry no offence).


2. Sex isn't the only aspect not working. You aren't being honest with your wife. Or does she know about the affair?

You are stealing her agency. She has a right to decide if she wants to be married to a man who lies to her and cheats on her. She also has a medical right to decide if she wants to have sex with someone having sex with someone else.

Sorry I couldn't come and give you the pep talk you were looking for but no.... You aren't just another man. You are just another cheater looking for affirmation.


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## hamadryad

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> Ghee? Ah ok. So this is not a forum for real conversion. Gotcha..



Forget it, man. They are going to crush you like an ant with your story. Lol.

Anyway, the sex sucked before the affair, it wasn't ever going to get better if you didn't have an affair. Bi annual duty sex is no sex.

If you are in a sexless marriage, then it's not "amazing" and you know it. If you want to stay for the kids just do it and jerk yourself off like millions of other dopes do, but don't whine about it. Other than that you know what to do. Divorce and blow up your life and your kids lives and you can live in a dumpy little apartment and work two jobs so they can have a lifestyle. 

That's about all the options you got, buddy.


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## Diana7

I dont understand her being upset that you don't have more sex but making no effort to actually HAVE sex. If she is so upset she would make sure it happened more surely?. Then you lied and said it didn't matter which it did. 
Firstly you have to come clean about the affair and why you felt you were driven to cheat like that. Otherwise she may well find out another way. 
Plus you both need to be tested for STDs which are rife. 
Then you have to tell her that you can't live the rest of your life like this.


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## TinyTbone

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> We're in our mid thirties and healthy. Still fancy my wife, but we've had sex about 1-2 times per year, for a few years now. Tried talking about it, a few times, it upsets her that we aren't having more sex and I try my best to comfort her by saying it's not an issue and it doesn't bother me and if there is something we can do to help... But it does bother me.
> 
> She's has very low sex drive, never initiates it, does not like taking about sex. The rare time she wants sex, I'll make sure she'll climax but I might not have enough time myself, before she's too sensitive. And since she's not up for other intimate activities I have been looking after myself for years. I eventually, decided to have an affair, we met 4 times and it was incredible sex. Then I felt really down, most likely guilt, so we broke it off.
> Went on holiday recently, nice hot weather, both relaxed and away from any stress. We had sex once in the 2 weeks and it was obvious she was just waiting for me to finish, which kills the mood for me completely. First thing she said after 10 minutes of sex "your hard to make c** these days".
> Not even sure if there is a question in all this... Anyone else experiencing the same thing? Any advice?


Ok, so your not alone for sure. I've married, most of it happily, for 38 years. We married in our early twenties and we come from different areas of the country. I had way more experience and partners than she did. Way more. I also had what I would consider a healthy sex drive. At first I thought she did as well because she always willingly embraced my advances in the first 10 or years. Then the snake reared its head and there was a big decline in our intimacy. Found out that her desire wasn't even close to mine, but she tried to accommodate me and us.we had our only child at 17 and a half years of marriage, just a year before I retired from the Navy. After retiring and joining the normal world things quickly became a bit cold between us. Sex seemed to become a chore for her, a duty per se. As is most often in relationships, the lower sex drive controls the sex period and it got to where it might be a couple times a month.
Now to shame or disparage you in anyway here. We have very old fashioned values and I could never quite seem to gather the nerve to have an affair, though I was contemplating it many times. Then I started having ed issues that have gradually gotten worse. I started therapy after we lost our home to a fire. My daughter and I were in it when this occured and it was traumatic. The therapy soon shifted away from PTSD to my issues and our relationship problems. My therapist them became her personal therapist as well becoming our marriage counselor.it has been a journey for me and us, but it helped us to regain so much! We will renew our wedding vows soon as I proposed to my lady again (yes I'm a romantic). I am starting to work with a new Dr now about my ed issues and my wife and I now genuinely communicate and are emotionally connected again! Because of honest and open dialogue she now knows my frustrations and humiliation at not expressing my love physically.as.a.man normally does. Also she is working on a real compromise to our sex life frequency now that she understands how it actually affects me and us. I cannot stress that the biggest take away here is honesty, which is the core of all relationships and communication, which is key to lasting relationships. Really recommend finding a therapist you both can feel comfortable and start working on rebuilding and restoring your relationship. Marriage is a beautiful thing and should not be so easily disposable. If you love your lady and she does love you as well, she's worth fighting for, your marriage is worth fighting for. Go easy on yourself and learn forgiveness bud.


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## LATERILUS79

I don't think you are looking for a conversation. I think you are looking for someone to validate what you did. 

Here, I'll help:

I'm newly divorced and dealt with a dead bedroom much longer than what you did. Don't get me wrong, a dead bedroom will make you die inside little by little each day. What your wife does to you is horribly selfish. What you did in return is even worse. I never cheated. Regardless of what I think of the mother of my children, I could never do that to another human being

I have two small children. They could either grow up in a house where I slowly but surely despise their mother and create an unhealthy environment, or they can have two households where their mother and I can seek out what makes us happy.


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## Marc878

You shouldn’t have married her. She isn’t going to change. Zero compatibly.
Get out now.


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## TexasMom1216

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> We're in our mid thirties and healthy. Still fancy my wife, but we've had sex about 1-2 times per year, for a few years now. Tried talking about it, a few times, it upsets her that we aren't having more sex and I try my best to comfort her by saying it's not an issue and it doesn't bother me and if there is something we can do to help... But it does bother me.
> 
> She's has very low sex drive, never initiates it, does not like taking about sex. The rare time she wants sex, I'll make sure she'll climax but I might not have enough time myself, before she's too sensitive. And since she's not up for other intimate activities I have been looking after myself for years. I eventually, decided to have an affair, we met 4 times and it was incredible sex. Then I felt really down, most likely guilt, so we broke it off.
> Went on holiday recently, nice hot weather, both relaxed and away from any stress. We had sex once in the 2 weeks and it was obvious she was just waiting for me to finish, which kills the mood for me completely. First thing she said after 10 minutes of sex "your hard to make c** these days".
> Not even sure if there is a question in all this... Anyone else experiencing the same thing? Any advice?


The reason people are reacting the way they are is because you don't seem to be showing any remorse for being unfaithful. It seems, from your post, like you want validation that you were justified in having an affair. *No one here is going to defend a wife telling her husband no to sex. * But she talked to you about it and you told her it was fine, and then you cheated on her. She isn't innocent, she is a huge part of the problem for sure. But she can't "fix" it if she doesn't KNOW how bad it is. It isn't fair to tell her it's fine, never communicate how unhappy you are (she isn't a mind reader) and use your unhappiness to justify cheating on her. There are lots of people on here with bedroom issues that would be happy to give you advice about how to talk about it, etc, but if you're looking for someone to tell you it's ok to have an affair if you're not getting what you want, there aren't as many of those people on here. Maybe a little more information from you about what steps you took prior to your affair to communicate or what your future plans are to try to fix your marriage would get you more helpful posts.


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## Busy Washing My Hair

If sex is very important to you then you should probably just divorce her. Chances of her changing in this regard are slim unless she truly wants to remain married and put the work into addressing the sex and any other issues that might exist. If she doesn’t want to put the work in, then your marriage will remain this way forever.

You should have divorced before having ads with somebody else but honestly it’s not surprising that you ended up sleeping with somebody else. I think in a dead bedroom situation it’s easier than most people want to admit for the partner who actually enjoys and craves sex to not cave in when an opportunity presents itself. If roles were reversed in my life I’d probably have cheated.


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## hamadryad

I'm calling BS on the wife not knowing it's a problem. 

He said "it's fine" like a lot of guys would. It's a loaded question and if it ain't happening and he says directly that it's a big problem, what then? Does he now have to live with the 800 lb gorilla in the room? Cause that's what it will become. And if saying it's a problem then going to make him sexually irresistible to her? Double nope. 

Even the guys story above where through extensive counseling she then realizes after many years he needs sex. So she's working on it. That's about as appealing as an IRS audit for a lot of guys...no disrespect to that poster, but a lot of guys wont be down with it. It would take whatever enjoyment that could be had right out of the picture. 

Sex should be eagerly anticipated by both parties or it's just about worthless, imo. I can't understand why people think otherwise.


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## Busy Washing My Hair

hamadryad said:


> I'm calling BS on the wife not knowing it's a problem.
> 
> He said "it's fine" like a lot of guys would. It's a loaded question and if it ain't happening and he says directly that it's a big problem, what then? Does he now have to live with the 800 lb gorilla in the room? Cause that's what it will become. And if saying it's a problem then going to make him sexually irresistible to her? Double nope.
> 
> Even the guys story above where through extensive counseling she then realizes after many years he needs sex. So she's working on it. That's about as appealing as an IRS audit for a lot of guys...no disrespect to that poster, but a lot of guys wont be down with it. It would take whatever enjoyment that could be had right out of the picture.
> 
> Sex should be eagerly anticipated by both parties or it's just about worthless, imo. I can't understand why people think otherwise.


Yes, I can imagine how some people would not be into sex with a spouse who is only having sex after some sort of marriage counseling or intensive individual counseling or sex therapy. It feels forced, not authentic. If it takes that much for a spouse to start having sex with the other spouse it’s being forced and that wouldn’t be appealing to me if I were in the shoes of the sex starved spouse.


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## TexasMom1216

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Yes, I can imagine how some people would not be into sex with a spouse who is only having sex after some sort of marriage counseling or intensive individual counseling or sex therapy. It feels forced, not authentic. If it takes that much for a spouse to start having sex with the other spouse it’s being forced and that wouldn’t be appealing to me if I were in the shoes of the sex starved spouse.


For sure, I can really, really sympathize with this. And it's also very possible that he had lots of talks with her about it prior to the "it's fine" conversation, and the reason he said that was because, as you say, he was sick of having to deal with her and it hurt his ego. That's why I advised him to put in more detail. There's not a lot of information and when you're trying to justify cheating, especially around here, people are going to pounce if you haven't gone through at least some work. He probably has but doesn't say so. The advice he'll get here is to leave, not cheat, and he's already said that isn't the solution he wants. It really sounds like he's not looking for advice at all, just to talk to people who have also cheated on their wives when they refused to have sex.


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## ABHale

And people say there isn’t a difference when a guy that cheated comes here versus a female. What away to make sure he never returns.


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## Spoons027

Bluntly speaking, you're horribly incompatible sexually. Kids are more perceptive than you think; they'll know that _something's_ wrong between their mom and dad. Your marriage will be their model of their own future relationships and how they'll deal with relationship problems when they arise. Something's gotta give or you should probably welcome a life of celibacy or end up cheating again and effing things up more.

...Or maybe you can try discussing an open marriage?


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## TexasMom1216

Spoons027 said:


> ...Or maybe you can try discussing an open marriage?


This comes up a lot these days. It's mostly so the more sexual spouse (or the more attractive one) can monkey branch while you wait for a situation that is better for divorce while maintaining some civility in the parenting partnership. It's hard for little children to understand the "why" of divorce. It's not easy on older children, at all, and they're still affected by it of course, but at least you can explain it to them.


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## romantic_dreamer

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> 1. Kids complicate matters. I believe kids benefit from having a happy family environment. That is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for my kids.


What kind of happy family are you talking about? dDo you really consider your family happy? Sexless marriage with an affair?



JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> 2. Sex is the only aspect of the relationship that is not working. We have built a pretty amazing life together.
> 
> Hoping to chat to people who are wanting to talk about this, have some insight, maybe have similar experiences. Not interested in someone taking one look and concluding divorce straight away as if they have the easy solution to a complicated situation (sorry no offence).


Sex is a huge irreplaceable part of relationship. It is impossible to have a happy healthy relationship without sexual intimacy.


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## In Absentia

What about an open marriage?


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## Spoons027

TexasMom1216 said:


> This comes up a lot these days. It's mostly so the more sexual spouse (or the more attractive one) can monkey branch while you wait for a situation that is better for divorce while maintaining some civility in the parenting partnership. It's hard for little children to understand the "why" of divorce. It's not easy on older children, at all, and they're still affected by it of course, but at least you can explain it to them.


Thing is, OP doesn't want divorce. Assuming that OP and wife had also gone to counseling/therapy with no results and OP doesn't want a life of celibacy, there doesn't seem to be a lot of options left.


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## Luckylucky

I’m angered when I hear stories of people not wanting sex with their spouse… yet wanting to stay married. Or withholding other things that are important to the other party, like praise, quality time, or affection or whatever.


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## Diana7

romantic_dreamer said:


> What kind of happy family are you talking about? dDo you really consider your family happy? Sexless marriage with an affair?
> 
> 
> 
> Sex is a huge irreplaceable part of relationship. It is impossible to have a happy healthy relationship without sexual intimacy.


Many do due to all sorts of reasons such as disability and other health issues. So its not impossible, but when one is desperate and the other not interested it causes many problems.


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## TexasMom1216

Spoons027 said:


> Thing is, OP doesn't want divorce. Assuming that OP and wife had also gone to counseling/therapy with no results and OP doesn't want a life of celibacy, there doesn't seem to be a lot of options left.


He says that. Once he starts having sex outside the marriage I think that will change for both of them.


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## Diana7

TexasMom1216 said:


> He says that. Once he starts having sex outside the marriage I think that will change for both of them.


He will light a fuse by cheating.


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## TexasMom1216

Diana7 said:


> He will light a fuse by cheating.


Well, that fuse is already lit because he's already cheated. The marriage is over, it ended when he slept with someone else. All it is now is a clueless person being used by someone who doesn’t care if she lives or dies as long as his laundry is done. By cheating openly, yes, he will be sending a strong signal about where he is in the marriage. He will also be giving his wife the agency to decide for herself what she wants. He's done with this marriage, and he's certainly NOT done going outside of the marriage. He can do it openly or he can keep lying. In the end, the result is going to be the same.


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## Mybabysgotit

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> We're in our mid thirties and healthy. Still fancy my wife, but we've had sex about 1-2 times per year, for a few years now. Tried talking about it, a few times, it upsets her that we aren't having more sex and I try my best to comfort her by saying it's not an issue and it doesn't bother me and if there is something we can do to help... But it does bother me.
> 
> She's has very low sex drive, never initiates* it, does not like taking about sex. T*he rare time she wants sex, I'll make sure she'll climax but I might not have enough time myself, before she's too sensitive. And since she's not up for other intimate activities I have been looking after myself for years. I eventually, decided to have an affair, we met 4 times and it was incredible sex. Then I felt really down, most likely guilt, so we broke it off.
> Went on holiday recently, nice hot weather, both relaxed and away from any stress. We had sex once in the 2 weeks and it was obvious she was just waiting for me to finish, which kills the mood for me completely. First thing she said after 10 minutes of sex "your hard to make c** these days".
> Not even sure if there is a question in all this... Anyone else experiencing the same thing? Any advice?


I for one don't blame you one bit for having an affair, considering your wife did not try to make it work. The only difference is I would be very upfront with it "hey honey, I brought a problem up to you in our marriage and you decided to do nothing about it, so don't be surprised if my **** lands in another vagina"

If one partner is so selfish they even refuse to talk about the problem that's hurting the other guy, it's game on.


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## Diana7

Mybabysgotit said:


> I for one don't blame you one bit for having an affair, considering your wife did not try to make it work. The only difference is I would be very upfront with it "hey honey, I brought a problem up to you in our marriage and you decided to do nothing about it, so don't be surprised if my **** lands in another vagina"
> 
> If one partner is so selfish they even refuse to talk about the problem that's hurting the other guy, it's game on.


I blame him entirely. End one marriage before sleeping around.


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## hamadryad

Diana7 said:


> I blame him entirely. End one marriage before sleeping around.


Or you can look at it from the standpoint as she chose to wreck the otherwise good marriage by her alienation of intimacy/sex, deprive a human of a basic need, and consequently left no choice but to destroy his own kids lives with a divorce. 

Sorry. Situations like this aren't that cut and dried.


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## Diana7

hamadryad said:


> Or you can look at it from the standpoint as she chose to wreck the otherwise good marriage by her alienation of intimacy/sex, deprive a human of a basic need, and consequently left no choice but to destroy his own kids lives with a divorce.
> 
> Sorry. Situations like this aren't that cut and dried.


We can't justify our bad actions by pointing out another's bad actions.


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## hamadryad

Diana7 said:


> We can't justify our bad actions by pointing out another's bad actions.


YOU can't. Let's leave it at that. And I respect that and don't condone one or another. 

But then everyone's path in this life is not the same, and I recognize that as well. People will decide which form of "injustice" is least devastating, especially when children are involved.

Guys have a way of compartmentalizing that I don't think many women truly understand. That's why you often see different viewpoints

Again, don't misinterpret my statements here. All I am contending is that to not recognize the catalyst and its part in this process, is just applying "blind condemnation."


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## snowbum

hamadryad said:


> YOU can't. Let's leave it at that. And I respect that and don't condone one or another.
> 
> But then everyone's path in this life is not the same, and I recognize that as well. People will decide which form of "injustice" is least devastating, especially when children are involved.
> 
> Guys have a way of compartmentalizing that I don't think many women truly understand. That's why you often see different viewpoints
> 
> Again, don't misinterpret my statements here. All I am contending is that to not recognize the catalyst and its part in this process, is just applying "blind condemnation."


If men see sec as sex and affair as just sex, should t that do apply when the wife bangs someone else since men compartmentalize sex as simple release? No? That’s a different t case?thenthat just sex argument is ******** and you know it


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## snowbum

If men can’t tolerate affairs because of disrespect and mind movies they may well want to consider womens feelings a tad bit more


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## hamadryad

snowbum said:


> If men see sec as sex and affair as just sex, should t that do apply when the wife bangs someone else since men compartmentalize sex as simple release? No? That’s a different t case?thenthat just sex argument is ****** and you know it


Where did I say this situation would be different if roles were reversed? 

Answer, Johnny!!. Nowhere. 

Learn to comprehend what you read before making yourself an idiot. So we understand, roles reverse and the same conditions apply.. happy now? Lol.


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## snowbum

You specifically said men compartmentalize, did you not? Meaning men write affair off as not a big deal?


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## Diana7

hamadryad said:


> YOU can't. Let's leave it at that. And I respect that and don't condone one or another.
> 
> But then everyone's path in this life is not the same, and I recognize that as well. People will decide which form of "injustice" is least devastating, especially when children are involved.
> 
> Guys have a way of compartmentalizing that I don't think many women truly understand. That's why you often see different viewpoints
> 
> Again, don't misinterpret my statements here. All I am contending is that to not recognize the catalyst and its part in this process, is just applying "blind condemnation."


So if our spouse behaves badly then we can behave badly, okay.


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## Cynthia

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> Ghee? Ah ok. So this is not a forum for real conversion. Gotcha..


I think it was simply a typo. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## hamadryad

snowbum said:


> You specifically said men compartmentalize, did you not? Meaning men write affair off as not a big deal?


Yes. Men do seem to compartmentalize. 

The rest of YOUR staementt is your twisted interpretation that has ZERO basis in fact and you couldn't find a shred of prood to back it up. 

We are commenting on THIS thread which happens to be the circumstances. It would be incredibly redundant and silly to have to qualify it by accepting any other scenario. 

Understand it now? Dont do what other posters do with thus nonsense. Stick to the thread and don't try to read into it too much. Sounds like a clear case of projection, then. 02


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## lifeistooshort

ABHale said:


> And people say there isn’t a difference when a guy that cheated comes here versus a female. What away to make sure he never returns.


Because a female in a sexless marriage would be given a pass for screwing another man?

Hardly. Women like that are treated far worse here.

Surely it's nor your position that we should tell him it's all good?


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## lifeistooshort

Cynthia said:


> I think it was simply a typo.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


It was.

His response says a lot about him.


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## sokillme

Just going to put it plainly, Your a coward.


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## ABHale

lifeistooshort said:


> Because a female in a sexless marriage would be given a pass for screwing another man?
> 
> Hardly. Women like that are treated far worse here.
> 
> Surely it's nor your position that we should tell him it's all good?


I never said it was all good.

I stand behind what I said.


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## hamadryad

I was traveling, so outside of having to repeatedly address mischaracterizations by the usual triggered and projecting bottle throwing triumvirate, here is a more detailed analysis....And for those that can't think beyond this thread, _the same rules apply, regardless of gender..._

When one decides to unilaterally turn a relationship/marriage into just a pairing of two people by removing intimacy/sex(not counting reasons of health, sickness, etc), they are in that right, I suppose, but then they have to accept that they, in fact, ended the relationship with their actions...

By doing so, whether the person likes it or not(in this case we'll use guy because it's his thread) she has dropped him like a rat into a maze, where he will never get the cheese....All that's left is to jump out of the maze and face the cat waiting on the floor(divorce)...

Those that say, "just divorce" say that as if it's like going to the movies...Divorce being the close second most traumatic life events in most people's lives, only behind a sudden and tragic loss of a loved one....When there are kids involved its especially painful and difficult,...And I wouldn't the least bit be surprised that with the cost of living increase and inflation of late, for many people it's going to be_ almost impossible,_ without an enormous and life altering negative change in circumstances for both parents and kids.

I've never been in this guy's position, but I do probably understand the logic process...Not that it wasn't without obvious flaws.. He figured if he could put that in a box and get that part of his life back, then the rest can go on...Of course it doesn't, but again, there is no "right" path....Even if he divorces her over this without affair, he will be seen as the bad guy that abandoned his kids and family, just to get laid...I've seen how this plays out with two of my close friends...Same situation, and they are the "bad guys", the horn dogs, the whatever's...Probably by couples that are sexless by choice, but in that case they are both on the same page, but I dunno, just a guess..

It really would be better if the party that chose to end the intimacy/sex/romance were to approach the other party and say something like "hey, I know you desire/want sex, but I am making it clear that I am out of the game...if I have sex with you it's only because I want you off my back, I am not enjoying it and it's a chore, so either we accept that we can coparent our kids as friendly and platonic house mates, and we both can do or not do what we wish, without consequence, if we want to get that part of our lives, or I will be the one to divorce, because it was me who decided to essentially end the marriage by way of alienation"....But we know that doesn't work that way...For a lot of those people, they don't want you, but you can't have anything else, unless you want to blow your entire life up, that may have been completely happy outside of this one issue.....That's a tough pill to swallow...


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## frenchpaddy

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> Ghee? Ah ok. So this is not a forum for real conversion. Gotcha..


YOUR WELCOME here , and it is hard to come here and have good debate once a poster says he or she has cheated 
it trips a switch and some posters can from then on see nothing but the cheating , 



In Absentia said:


> What about an open marriage?


 Absentia has brought up the open marriage , i went back to read the opening post again ,
YOU said your wife has a big problem talking about sex , does she think sex is bad ,dirty , has her family thought these things to her over her life time ,

Does your wife offer any way out for you , does she understand that while she might not want sex and can live happy without that it is not the same for you , 

did she ever talk to yo about you could look for sex outside the marriage , if you can respond to these then I would be happy to talk to you , 

I have been where you are ,I know how it feels, My wife was raped before we met , and her up bringing was more 1786 that 1980s , she loved me and offered open marriage and even offered me an escort , 

I feel my biggest help was that I never had sex with any other woman , and the idea of escort was off putting to me 
All I could think off was all the guys that had been with the escort before , 

over the years we have turned things around and now MY WIFE has the higher sex drive , 
we can now talk open about sex ,


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## frenchpaddy

Diana7 said:


> Many do due to all sorts of reasons such as disability and other health issues. So its not impossible, but when one is desperate and the other not interested it causes many problems.





TexasMom1216 said:


> He says that. Once he starts having sex outside the marriage I think that will change for both of them.


True it is hard to recall just how it impacts your life to be with the woman you love and find that person to be the biggest turn on to you and to go so far and then knocked back , 

I think having sex outside the marriage will not help him but drive a bigger wedge between them , 
but if the OP is not posting there is no point in we debating this ,


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## Mybabysgotit

Diana7 said:


> We can't justify our bad actions by pointing out another's bad actions.


Actually you can, it's called cause and effect. If some guy punches me in the face, I think I have the right to punch him back in the face. Yes, I did a bad act, but yes, it was fully deserved and justified.


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## Akeath

I think the first thing you should do is consider under what circumstances you can talk honestly with your wife and tell her that actually the lack of sex is a huge problem for you. You need to try a different way of having this conversation if you usually end it lying to make her feel better. My family growing up did scheduled "family meetings" or "couple meetings" when they had a problem that needed to be solved. These meetings have a very specific format. Most importantly, no interrupting is allowed. One person describes things from their point of view with no interruptions, then the other person does. After everyone had said their piece we'd each have a turn on what we thought a good solution would look like. Then each person would be open to questions, and finally we'd have a brainstorm section for problem solving. My husband and I tend to talk more organically, but sometimes if we really need to discuss something but are having trouble it helps to write things down beforehand, read each other's material, and then go from there. Or since you've had a lot of trouble having this conversation honestly in the past, maybe a therapist to help coach you two on communication and to be a third party while you are discussing this would be good.

But you're not actually protecting your wife by caving in when she gets upset and saying it doesn't matter. Because it does matter, enormously. You two aren't going to be able to fix the problem without first acknowledging the problem is there and understanding how much repair work is needed and what vision you have for what the repaired relationship will look like. If it were me, I would also tell her about the affair so she understands the gravity of the situation and just how dysfunctional and unsustainable this whole issue has become, but I'd probably save that for a separate conversation after you've first made her understand that you aren't actually okay with the lack of sex. You are also taking away her agency here by hiding an affair from her. She may not be up for the marriage if she knew what is actually happening in it. I see that the easy path would simply be to hide knowledge that might mean she would end things. But hopefully with loved ones we respect them enough to give them information they need to make important choices for themselves.

I also think one of the things you should ask of your wife during these series of conversations is to get a full physical and mental checkup, hormone check, and a talk with her gynecologist because there may be some underlying reason that she gets too "sensitive" during sex or a reason why she isn't getting enjoyment out of it.


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## Diana7

Mybabysgotit said:


> Actually you can, it's called cause and effect. If some guy punches me in the face, I think I have the right to punch him back in the face. Yes, I did a bad act, but yes, it was fully deserved and justified.


So you think we should justify our bad behaviour by saying'he/she made me do it?'
We can still act the right way even if our spouse or another person doesn't.


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## Young at Heart

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> 1. Kids complicate matters. I believe kids benefit from having a happy family environment. That is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for my kids.
> 2. Sex is the only aspect of the relationship that is not working. We have built a pretty amazing life together.....


I am sure others will tell you the same thing. If you cheat, you will eventually get caught or your guilt will cause you to confess to your wife so you can feel better about yourself.

Yes, kids complicate matters. They will be far better off if you and your wife sit down and address the problem the two of your are having.

What helped save my marriage was my commitment to my marriage that helped me work on changing myself into a better husband who helped my wife feel loved and cherished again. I became much less of a "Nice Guy," which is code words for the kind of codependent, clingy man who looks to his wife for emotional validation, as discussed in Glover's Book No More Mr. Nice Guy. 

Then we saw a marriage counselor who was also a board certified sex therapist, since our problem was mostly sexual.

You have a problem and you really need to address it for you, for your wife and your children. I would also advise you to take the fact that you had an affair to your grave. If you ever feel a need to confess, go see a priest, confess to him, repent, and ask God for forgiveness. 

Good luck.


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## frenchpaddy

Young at Heart said:


> I am sure others will tell you the same thing. If you cheat, you will eventually get caught or your guilt will cause you to confess to your wife so you can feel better about yourself.
> 
> Yes, kids complicate matters. They will be far better off if you and your wife sit down and address the problem the two of your are having.
> 
> What helped save my marriage was my commitment to my marriage that helped me work on changing myself into a better husband who helped my wife feel loved and cherished again. I became much less of a "Nice Guy," which is code words for the kind of codependent, clingy man who looks to his wife for emotional validation, as discussed in Glover's Book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> Then we saw a marriage counselor who was also a board certified sex therapist, since our problem was mostly sexual.
> 
> You have a problem and you really need to address it for you, for your wife and your children. I would also advise you to take the fact that you had an affair to your grave. If you ever feel a need to confess, go see a priest, confess to him, repent, and ask God for forgiveness.
> 
> Good luck.


 I agree with every part of this even though a few will not agree with the advice of affair to your grave.
i do think many tell out of guilt to help them feel better , but that is another debate


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## Diana7

frenchpaddy said:


> I agree with every part of this even though a few will not agree with the advice of affair to your grave.
> i do think many tell out of guilt to help them feel better , but that is another debate


If I was the wife I would definitely want to know.


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## Young at Heart

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Yes, I can imagine how some people would not be into sex with a spouse who is only having sex after some sort of marriage counseling or intensive individual counseling or sex therapy. It feels forced, not authentic. *If it takes that much for a spouse to start having sex with the other spouse it’s being forced and that wouldn’t be appealing to me* if I were in the shoes of the sex starved spouse.


I disagree, sex can be quite appealing after all of that. I have walked in his shoes, but not had the affair. About 12 years ago, my wife told me she never wanted to have sex with me, that she had no sexual desire for me.

I started to read relationship self-help books. I decided that I wanted to be in a loving sexual relationship and made myself a promise that I was going to be, by a certain birthday. I realized that I needed to change myself otherwise if I divorced my wife, I would likely find myself in another failed relationship. I needed to learn from my mistakes.

I made a lot of changes in myself. I lost weight, took up hobbies I gave up early in our marriage. I became less codependent. I Got a Life and took pride in my physical accomplishments. She notices the changes. I did not pressure her for sex. I did suggest marriage counseling and asked her to come up with a list of three marriage counselors who were also board certified sex therapists. The ST saved our marriage. We now have sex twice a week.

In the process, my wife had to confront if she wanted divorce or marriage. She choose marriage and had to commit to that marriage and commit to changing herself and her attitudes, just like I had to do.

I think that the point you missed is that the guy says their relationship otherwise is great. They obviously have some huge problems, and his affair is way up their. However, I do believe we can all change ourselves, if we want to and if we get help from those around us.

Change is possible, but it requires work and commitment.


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## Personal

JustAnotherGuy33 said:


> Anyone else experiencing the same thing?


Nope, I've never been in a sexless sexual relationship.



> Any advice?


Nope.

Although I will add, that I don't see why you should feel guilty about it. Since following your wife turning the sex tap off, I figure she forfeits any obligation to sexual fidelity from you.

That said, good luck to you and your wife, whatever you both may choose going forward.


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## Personal

lifeistooshort said:


> Because a female in a sexless marriage would be given a pass for screwing another man?


She would be perfectly justified to do so, and I would say good for her as well. Since my take on it is, if someone in a marriage unilaterally turns the sex tap off from their spouse. Then that action, makes any obligation to sexual fidelity to therm by their spouse forfeit.



> Surely it's nor your position that we should tell him it's all good?


I wouldn't go as far as claiming "we" should tell him it's all good, since there are varying opinions and perspectives on this since we are not a hive mind. That said, writing only for myself, I have no problem telling @JustAnotherGuy33, it's all good.


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## lifeistooshort

Personal said:


> She would be perfectly justified to do so, and I would say good for her as well. Since my take on it is, if someone in a marriage unilaterally turns the sex tap off from their spouse. Then that action, makes any obligation to sexual fidelity to therm by their spouse forfeit.
> 
> 
> 
> I wouldn't go as far as claiming "we" should tell him it's all good, since their are varying opinions and perspectives on this since we are not a hive mind. That said, writing only for myself, I have no problem telling @JustAnotherGuy33, it's all good.


I trust you to be consistent about this based on your many posts.

I've seen more then 1 female in a sexless marriage get ripped to shreds after having an affair. Poor innocenct hubby is paying bills while she's with other men and he deserves to know what kind of tramp he's marriage to.

I don't like double standards. At least if you're consistent I respect that.


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