# Your thoughts on confronting OW or other ideas to get the truth?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Hey, are you guys sick of me yet? Ok, here is what I am struggling with I have a question on what to do so I can move on and quit asking same questions (see below). If you've read my posts you know my H did a dumba** thing in cheating and it went on for 8 months, he lied, ok you get the point. All that is over now, I am convinced that he is no longer cheating says biggest mistake of his life. Will he cheat again? Does one ever know??? 

My thoughts are this, was this really the first time? Has he told me everything? The more I read about relationships I realize that in order for someone to be truly sorry they have to 1)confess to what they did and admit it was wrong 2) accept full responsibilities...no "but if you..." 3) change the behavior and never do it again 4) ask for forgiveness. So if he didn't do step #1completely, is he truly sorry? 

I don't know, that's why I am asking...he did not confess all to me when I found out. First of all when I suspected, I asked him and he denied. Then knowing he was lying I told him that I couldn't stay wit him unless he can and will give her up. I didn't ask for an admission of guilt. He said "I can and have" (under the disguise of a "friendship" ...he was to cut all contact but still hadn't admitted to the affair). But he didn't, he continued to see her and even have sex with her again (facts I found out months later as the story unfolds). Then when "D Day hit" I was done, filing for divorce, kicked him out, changed locks. I caught him via his computer, still no admission of guilt even with evidence. He said it was all a joke....600+ monthly texts, emails with graphic photos of each of them ...individual but still...and emails that began with "hey baby, where are you?" Said it was a joke and I had no right to get in to his computer. I told him he had no right to stick his...ok you get the point. 

He was really forced at that point to admit it...after a few lies which I clearly was not going to listen to and told him I never want to talk to him again because I am sick of all his lies...then gave me minimum. It was only twice, started 4 weeks ago and left out a whole bunch o' other crap. Turned out it lasted for 6 months, there was an emotional connection, he even said "I love you" to her", had sex wit her many times not twice, in our house even...ok nuff you get picture he left out a few things in his original admission. I learned all that over 8 months prying, begging, and at one point packing up and about to walk out the door. So do I know all now? I dunno. 

He has taken full responsibility and is committed to fixing what he screwed up. So I consider what do I want to know and why. I think I want to know 1) did he ever plan to leave our marriage and have a future with her - his answer definately not. If he wanted to leave he would have, its why he lied. 2) Has this ever happened before with anyone else even an EA? He said no but eventually admitted there was one time in which out of the blue he asked a girl out, got her phone number, but later he cxld and never did it again until this affair. I have my suspicions about another time (very weak one ... he went to movies with the guys and I know for sure the guys were going to the movies but doesn't mean he went with them. I thought I heard him in the drawer where we used to keep condoms. Its not like I counted them or anything. Then that night there was an ATM purchase for double the amount a movie ticket would be and concessions too much for 1 person. I asked and he said one of the guys paid for him last time so he paid him back...plausible). 3) Is there anything else important. Such as was any other person involved, a 3-some or anything I haven't thought of? He says no way. My neighbor - I posted about her before became irrationally angry over him choosing me over the OW (her best friend and also her GIRLFRIEND). So we have some weird dynamics there anyway....but that made me wonder. Because as soon as he was caught, he called the OW's best friend and talked for 45 minutes. Was he getting his story straight with her? His answer NO WAY. 
(Probably true, OW's girlfriend now hates me and H both so I think she'd throw it in my face). 

Why do I want to know? Well if he's a serial cheater....I'm done with him (and I think he knows that so would lie). If he wanted to leave the marriage then why and what changed that made him want to save it. I want to nuture that part of it?I want to fix whatever that was that made him feel that way. Was this other woman involved in a 3some, if so why. Was he bored? We can fix that. Also I just want him to confess so I know that he really is sorry and if I think he's holding back trust won't come back.

One last piece of this puzzle. When we first reconciled he mentioned to me that he'd love to watch me with another woman but would not want to touch her. Not my thing at all. I told him I thought sex belonged between 2 people and bringing anyone in would ruin the relationship between the first two. He never brought it up again, and recently apologized and said that the more he thought of it, he really could not watch me with anyone else and does not want that. 

So here is my question:

1) Take it on faith, I know all the important stuff. Only thing left is details that I don't need anyway. 

2) Confront OW and ask her what he told her - knowing full well she will lie but where their stories do intersect or certain details she could not know otherwise, I can probably get some truth out of it. 

3) Tell him fine if you are telling me the truth then you don't mind taking a lie detector test. 

4) Ask him each of these questions again and tell him why I need to know, accept his answers and move on. 

Any other suggestions??

Keep in mind, he's done some really crappy things and was pretty mentally abusive during the affair and not coming clean after we reconciled right away, so my right to know is pretty strong. 

Love to get your input?


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

A,

As a newbie here how long ago was the confession.

If indeed it has been ample time, you are in my mind trap of so many years ago.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really understand where you are coming from. If you plan to stay together, there is part of you that wants to know every last detail. It is natural. I felt the same way as long as I was committed to salvaging my marriage. Now that I know my marriage is over, I no longer want to know anything. 

You need to give your spouse some credit. He did admit to cheating and did provide some details. Maybe he does want to work on the marriage. Only he knows for sure. My estranged husband never did any of that. I finally had to hire a PI to get the answers.

My advice to you is to drop it and move on, if you want to save your marriage. But, by that I'm not saying live in denial. Move on, but be aware of what is going on around you. Just make sure he knows he won't get another chance. He will have to EARN your trust.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I say you know enough details already. Hell they may not even remember everything themselves, and you can't really know if really would have left you. There's no way of getting an absolute verification. I would forget it completely and provide him with full trust. Will do you good emotionally, then if you ever catch him again...you're done. If you remain suspicious, he will be that much more careful if he really is a serial cheater.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

reidqa said:


> A,
> 
> As a newbie here how long ago was the confession.
> 
> If indeed it has been ample time, you are in my mind trap of so many years ago.


Eight months since I confirmed he was sleeping with her and he admitted it. Over the course of the eight months I've found out other things. Some things he omitted then and some things he plain lied. Says I know it all now, its all out there. Trouble is, not sure if I do.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

827Aug said:


> My advice to you is to drop it and move on, if you want to save your marriage. But, by that I'm not saying live in denial. Move on, but be aware of what is going on around you. Just make sure he knows he won't get another chance. He will have to EARN your trust.


Thank you for some very sound advice. Yes, he is trying to work on it and says he will do whatever it takes (I fear that includes lying to me about anything that he thinks could be a "deal breaker"). Anyway, you are very right, trust is earned.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

martino said:


> I say you know enough details already. Hell they may not even remember everything themselves, and you can't really know if really would have left you. There's no way of getting an absolute verification. I would forget it completely and provide him with full trust. Will do you good emotionally, then if you ever catch him again...you're done. If you remain suspicious, he will be that much more careful if he really is a serial cheater.


Excellent point! Didn't think of it that way.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Glad to help since you've chimed in on a couple of my posts I believe.


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