# devastated... marriage is not working out



## chbonus (Aug 31, 2013)

hi, 

maybe I am seeking some advice or just trying to man up or just want to make sure I am making the correct choice...

My wife is older than me few years, Japanese I am european .... 
First year she was great partner, lover, friend .. then she had a health problems and had to leave, I asked her to come back to me and she did ,, we lived in difrent countries for another 3 years before getting married (no ceremony). We just entered 4 year of marriage and it been a hell for the past 3 years. She rejected me long time ago, complains, nag, hates my family (brings it up all the time, I naver complaned about hers), sleeps in another room, ignore me, doeas internet all day eberyday, doesnt work. She doesnt have a problem with: washing, cleaning (thou we have a house cleaning person every week), cooking and shopping (partially since I do it too). Even I wanted she will not allow me to do any of those things telling me I am dirty etc. 
She tells me I stink, esentially treat me like lower race these days, complaining about everything. She desont go out, doesnt talk to me, but leave in the house I rent, pay for along with all the supplies. 
I have no life, we live in a foreign country, I cannt make frinds, invite anybody. We used to fight a lot, which at time ened up badly, Either she was slapped or I was badly bitten. She never listens or accept my points. Now I fed up fighting with her for about a year. I just tell her we are grown up people and can sort this out like grown ups. But she doesnt listen and bring things up from the past every day. 

I do not believe in dovirce as a solution, but I tried many things already, and she wont even talk to me. 

She doesnt want kids, sex, she despises me, she says only reason she is here cos she deaont have a money to buy a flight ticket back home. 
I am very tired and unhappy and very sad my wife abandoned me and blames me for everything. I spend most of my time outside work just staring at my lapotp at home. I dont drink or smoke or socialize. I do sport every second day. 

For me it is devastating since I did not think I will have to think about divorce ever let alone after 3 years of marriage. 

It has been mentally so exhausting and I have to train myslef to cope with all the complaining and nagging I get every day. 

Before we were married I was not a greta guy to her, but since we got married I thought I changed a lot and tried to make her happy. So I am asking her why you do this to us. She says that is her revenge on me. 

This is not how I would imagine responsinble and grown up people would behave. 

I am devastated ....


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bonus, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a terrible situation.


chbonus said:


> She rejected me long time ago, complains, nag, hates my family (brings it up all the time)....


You are describing "black-white thinking," wherein a person categorizes everybody as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me") -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in just a few seconds, based solely on a minor comment or infraction. B-W thinking also will be evident in frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you NEVER..." and "you ALWAYS...."

Significantly, every adult on the planet occasionally does B-W thinking. We tend to do it whenever we experience intense feelings -- which is why our judgment goes out the window whenever we are very angry or very infatuated. This is why healthy people try to keep their mouths shut until they have time to cool off -- and try to wait at least a year before buying the ring.


> I just tell her we are grown up people and can sort this out like grown ups.


Sorry, Bonus, but it seems that you are not dealing with a "grown up." When B-W thinking is occurring daily for 3 years, it is a strong sign your W may have the emotional development of a four year old. When emotional development is frozen at that young age, the person never learns how to integrate her self image sufficiently to be able to tolerate dualities, ambiguities, uncertainties, mixed feelings, or other grey areas in interpersonal relationships. 

She therefore will shoehorn everyone into a black or white box so as to know how to deal with them. You and your parents, for example, have been categorized as "all bad," which is why you are hated. Importantly, because the grey area does not exist, a B-W thinker will flip between "loving you" and "hating you" in seconds.


> But she doesnt listen and bring things up from the past every day.


Yes, that behavior is to be expected. People who do B-W thinking apply it not only to other people but also to THEMSELVES. That is, if they realize they have a flaw or have made a mistake, they suddenly feel very ashamed because they now perceive of themselves as "all bad" instead of "all good." Of course, this is why they almost never admit making a mistake.

And this is why they tend to think of themselves as "The Victim." The result is that they routinely keep a list of every infraction you've ever done (real or imagined). They will pull out that entire list every time there is an argument. This is why, during an argument over the most minor thing, these folks will be complaining about some mistake you made years ago.


> I do not believe in dovirce as a solution.


I suggest you change your beliefs regarding divorce. If what you describe is accurate, you do not have a husband/wife relationship. Rather, you have a parent/child relationship. If so, you essentially are not divorcing a wife but, rather, disinheriting a spoiled child.


> It has been mentally so exhausting and I have to train myslef to cope with all the complaining and nagging I get every day.


As I said, when your W always thinks of herself as "The Victim," you will be blamed for every misfortune. The only way she can validate her false self image of being "The Victim" is to make you "The Perpetrator."


> She says that is her revenge on me.


It likely will get much worse when you file for divorce. My exW, for example, had me arrested and thrown into jail on bogus charges of having brutalized her. I therefore urge you to never slap your W again and to call the police when she bites you again. For a woman who thinks of herself as "The Victim," having you arrested is the gold standard, i.e., the equivalent of earning a Harvard PhD in victimhood.


> she says only reason she is here cos she deaont have a money to buy a flight ticket back home.


BUY THE TICKET FOR HER! I also suggest, while you're waiting for her departure, you read about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and BPD (Borderline PD) to see if the traits sound very familiar. An easy place to read about narcissism is Kathy Batesel's excellent description of it at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. I provide an overview of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522.

Finally, I note that, if your W really does exhibit strong traits of NPD or BPD, those traits would not have disappeared for several years. Instead, they would have disappeared only for about six months during your courtship period if you were living together (perhaps a year if you were dating LD). They vanish during the courtship period because her infatuation over you would have held her fears at bay. When the infatuation evaporates, the fears return.


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## chbonus (Aug 31, 2013)

Thank you. 
I thought I will try the Manning up or 180 I found in the post you have directed me to sine I still do feel compassion to my wife and maybe should work harder on this one. 
Maybe or possibly there is a chance that when woman wears man tear him essentially apart she does him a favour ?... if you know what I mean? 
I may still love her, and do not want to abandon her now I think it is difficult for her as well. The problem is she does not want to compromise at all. 
After I said If you really want to leave I will buy you a ticket, she now says ok I prefer to leave but this is just beginning you have to pay me more and my family for hosting you in their house 3 years ago. Now she is running around mad slamming doors and calling me ****... I told her I will not speak to her while in this state .... she but after she calmed down. It seems that she feels I have withdrawn and she will be walking around me when I pop up in the room and whispering: **** , **** ...
By the way I told her I dont sleep on the couch anymore, cos my back really hurts, so now she is very pissed... I feel such compassion towards her I want to cry ... how can I help her?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

chbonus said:


> I feel such compassion towards her I want to cry ... how can I help her?


Bonus, if she has strong traits of NPD or BPD, it is impossible for you to help her because she has a serious issue she has been carrying inside since early childhood. She is the only one who can fix it. With strong BPD traits, however, the chances of her ever being willing to learn how to manage her issues are extremely small. With NPD, there is no chance at all, as I understand it.

An important issue, then, is whether your W exhibits strong NPD or BPD traits. I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders to see if one of them is relevant. That's why I suggested you read about those disorders at the two links I provided. 

Did the traits in either of those descriptions sound very familiar? If so, and if you are still reluctant to divorce your W, I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Only a professional can determine whether she has a full-blown disorder. If you have questions about those traits, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

chbonus said:


> hi,
> 
> maybe I am seeking some advice or just trying to man up or just want to make sure I am making the correct choice...
> 
> ...


1. What country do you live in.
2. International airline tickets are not that expensive.
3. Get the money for a roundtrip ticket (one ways are more expensive) and just go.
4. This marriage is dead! Bury it!

WWHT


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chbonus said:


> Thank you.
> I thought I will try the Manning up or 180 I found in the post you have directed me to sine I still do feel compassion to my wife and maybe should work harder on this one.


Start with the 180. There is a link in my signature block below. You are already doing this to an extent if you are not getting caught up in her temper tantrums. But the link has more detail to guide you.

Do you have any idea what she is doing on the compute all day? You might want to find out if she stays around.



chbonus said:


> Maybe or possibly there is a chance that when woman wears man tear him essentially apart she does him a favour ?... if you know what I mean?


This is a very odd thing to even suggest. No a woman mistreating her husband and destroying him emotionally is not doing him a favor. How do you like this favor she’s done for you? Not much huh?



chbonus said:


> I may still love her, and do not want to abandon her now I think it is difficult for her as well. The problem is she does not want to compromise at all.


I don’t think you love her. How can you love someone who treats you this way? I think about it. Perhaps the person you love is the imaginary one you thought she was when you first got together. She is not who you seem to want her to me. Unfortunately she is the abusive person you have to deal with who is destroying you.


chbonus said:


> After I said If you really want to leave I will buy you a ticket, she now says ok I prefer to leave but this is just beginning you have to pay me more and my family for hosting you in their house 3 years ago. Now she is running around mad slamming doors and calling me ****... I told her I will not speak to her while in this state .... she but after she calmed down.


Why should you have to pay her more? You two have not been married long. And of course you do not have to pay her for her family hosting you. What a load no nonsense. NO telling what she is saying to them about you. Buy her the ticket and give her some cash to get rid of her. File for divorce immediately.


chbonus said:


> It seems that she feels I have withdrawn and she will be walking around me when I pop up in the room and whispering: **** , **** ...


Why are you “pop up in the room and whispering: **** , **** ...” please explain what you are doing?


chbonus said:


> By the way I told her I dont sleep on the couch anymore, cos my back really hurts, so now she is very pissed... I feel such compassion towards her I want to cry ... how can I help her?


You cannot help her. The only person you can help is yourself. It’s up to her whether or not she is willing to fix herself.

You say that you don’t think divorce is the solution. Well, this is a horrible marriage. How many more years are you going to allow yourself to be abused?


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## chbonus (Aug 31, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why are you “pop up in the room and whispering: **** , **** ...” please explain what you are doing?


sorry I was not clear. I mean W comes to the room or when around me cursing me sometimes like s+hit, or complaining. Is it because she doesnt feel comfortable around me or she just want to start an argument? I certainly cannot relax when she is in the house anymore.... but this feeling of guilt she imposes on me is overwhelming


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

-You gotta Man up and tell her you love her. Really explain to her how ugly divorce is and how miserable her life would be without you.

-Then tell her she either gets mental help by herself or marriage counseling together with you.... or you'll divorce her

if you don't man up an do something then it's your own fault if your life sucks.


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## chbonus (Aug 31, 2013)

uncool said:


> -You gotta Man up and tell her you love her. Really explain to her how ugly divorce is and how miserable her life would be without you.
> .


imagine I did and she told me I am creepy and she doesnt care ... but then why would she do the daily chores? it seems to me that she is very territorial in the house, does everything perfectly and complains about me putting the plate wrong etc.... then why is she staying? even I told her she will get a ticket she now wants more or she says I knew you gonna get rid of me... what does she want? I am confused... I know trying to understand W maybe difficult but maybe I am completely misreading her intentions... ?
this morning I got up at 6 am I decided I am going to get out of the house and go fishing (even I am crap at this); she woke up and start ranting that I dont let her sleep... well considering she doesnt work and do most of the time nothing, she can sleep whenever she pleases, I am complaining too much about ther... thats it


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She's has some serious mental issues that you just can't fix, since she doesn't even acknowledge her issues there is nothing you can do. Please get out of the relationship and seek counseling for yourself. You need to repair the damage she has caused you and be able to find a person that will love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chbonus (Aug 31, 2013)

well... one thing I can say so far is to never cross a woman like that cos she will commit herself fully to kick your butt ... she is just slashing me apart at the moment with no regrets or self restraint whatsoever ... I wish it could go peacefully and easily but I fear the worst is coming ....


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