# I'm a mess!



## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

My husband had a 3 week emotional affair with both of our co-worker. Although short it was really intense. She asked him to leave me after two times of hanging out. 
I still cry? My therapist says everytime I obsess I am traumatizing myself over and over.
He has been really supportive throughout all of this. Meeting my needs and making me feel special. He has told me everyday since this happened. He gets me flowers and surprises all the time. He cut off all ties with her since I found out. She even got fired from her job so she is totally out of the picture. 
It just hurts. How could he? 
Now he is starting to get defensive when I am trying to get support from him. Sometimes I come off as mean when I get upset about it. I am just so sad and angry. He will say things like "I made a mistake and you have to forgive me". Or he says " Why don't you leave me? I know you want to. I bust my ass every day. What else do you want from me...?" " I never loved her". "I didn't want to be in the situation"
How should I be acting? How do I be strong? Am I doing something wrong?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He needs therapy too. The hurt takes a lot of time to get through. He did it and he has to live with the fallout.

Tell us more about what happened, and why. How did you find out? Are you sure it was an EA? Why did he choose you?
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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

He was working late one to many times. One night he even stayed out all night. This night it was 2 AM. (She got drunk the night he was out all night and couldn't drive herself nor him home. she had been puking all night- she is 22) I had the key to work so I went down there and he wasn't there. It was 2 AM and he left at nine. When I got home he was there and after a couple hours of grilling him he confessed. After I saw some of her text messages. She told him she loved him and he said "yea". She had been begging him to leave me and he said he couldn't, his reasons weren't good enough. She had tried to convince him that to leave not for her but for his own reasons. He couldn't do it. He said he wanted out from the moment it turned serious. That it was a slippery slope. 
We have a beautiful child.
Sometimes I think it would just be easier to more on. But I love him so much. We have been together for eight years. He was my first love (I am almost 27). We always promised each other that we could never cheat.Our parents both did and it traumatized both of us. 
When I met him I was so messed up from that. I didn't believe in love. He made me throw everything out the window. He had to convince to marry him. He did my worst fear. I feel like this will always be bound to happen to me. I'm unlovable.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You're not unlovable, don't get yourself into that. God knows I've been doing that recently after my wifes affair, but it's totally untrue and doesn't help at all.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You are lovable. I can feel that from here.

Ask him to go into marital therapy with you. It might help you work through this better with him and a professional.

My fear is that this was a sexual affair because she asked him to leave you.

You both own the business?
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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

They both insist it wasn't. I do believe him but at this point it doesn't really matter. I'm so hurt it couldn't get any worse. We don't own the business but he runs in and I worked the desk. I left because it was too hard. His story has stayed very consistant.
I just started counseling. The only afforadble counselor in town. Would it be bad to go to the same counselor?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I suspect this is the reason you can't get over it. He. Is still lying.

Depends on your husbands feelings about the c. My husband tried with his ex wife but felt hanged up on and already painted black. Don't know how true that was but his perception made it impossible to continue.
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Ganged up on, not hanged up on.
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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

He says he hates and resents her. That he tried breaking it off but was too cowardly. He was also afraid of what she would tell the owner. He didn't seem to mourn anything but was so remourseful from the moment I found out. We have had MANY late nights talking about this. 
I have some good days but others (like today) its hard to stop crying. I don't know what I did. It's funny because I was so happy and we didn't have any problems (that I can think of) untill she entered the picture.


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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

I should mention she has done this 3 times before including with one of my old teachers.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Funny how a little attention from a young admirer can harm a marriage. 

Why does he say he did it? And while I understand fear, he could have made excuses not to go out with her but didn't.

Let someone else chime in, but I still think it was physical.

I'm sorry for your pain. You seem really sweet and I can understand your feelings. See if he will do therapy with you. Then he will understand the depths of your sorrow and how this kind of breach of trust turns your world upside down.
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

And he still fell in with her?
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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

They were friends and he says it was a slippery slope. It all started when our friends failed to show up to a group thing. The next time the third person got very drunk and kind of went off and did his own thing. That was the night she confessed her feelings. 
He new her intention.... And did nothing


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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

She also has a major alcohol problem. I think thats why it came so easy to her. That stupid little girl!!


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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

Here is my prior post with all the details:

Jay got trapped and put into a situation he never wanted to be in. Jay (27) and his wife Lori (26) were crazy about each other and always have been. They had worked together at several businesses over the years and it was never a problem until Millie was hired. Within two weeks his world was turned upside down. She had her eye on him from day one. After meeting him for the first time she announced to co-workers "Oh my God! He is just so hot". The fact that he was married was a non-issue.
It all started when Lori got sick for a week and went to stay with her mom so that she could get some help with their pre-schooler while Jay worked long hours as Executive Chef in the fanciest restaurant in their small tourist town. He had the best job in the restaurant industry in the county. People respected him. He made good money, drove a nice car and lived in a beautiful house in one of the best neighborhoods in town. 
While away Jason went out with a couple co-workers, Milly and Ari. Ari got extremely intoxicated and left Millie (server) and Jay alone. They clicked and had a good time having a couple drinks and talking. Innocent enough. 
A few days later while Lori was still out sick, Ari invited them out again and this time he did not show up. Millie and Jay were once again put in an awkward situation. Jay made the mistake of getting a ride home with her and that's when the three week streak of lies and betrayal started. That night she confessed that regardless of the fact that she was engaged and he was married there was definately chemistry there. They would talk about music, their relationships and they had a lot of interests in common. She told him she had feelings for him that were undeniable for her. He should have been straight forward then and there but her encouraged her by not being direct and honest from the get go. He also felt that they clicked but did not feel strongly as she did. She was drunk and he didn't take it seriously. He told her that he could see how she could say that but she shouldn't look into it. He never addressed it and responded very vaguely. 
She opened up and explained how she was un-happy in her relationship and was planning to leave her fiance as soon as she found a place. Feeling uncomfortable he named a few minor problems that he struggled with in his marriage. That opened a new door. She had amminition. She planted the seed in his head that his problems were deal-breakers and he should leave his wife. She planted the seed in his head that maybe he was unhappy. Has he been ignoring the truth this whole time? She played the whole "I want you to be happy, this has nothing to do with me" card. 
Meanwhile she approached her boss at work and showed true concern that Lori and Jay's problems were affecting everyone and it made her really uncomfortable. She was able to convince them that it had to stop. Being lower level then Jay, Lori had to go. To Millie her problems was solved. Everyone was clueless that there were alternative motives. 
The third time they hung out she casually mentioned that she loved him and he said it back. Feeling put on the spot and like it was the thing to say back. He knew the moment he said it that he was screwed and there was no going around the fact that what he was doing was wrong. He may not love her, he may not even be romantically interested but he loved her praising him all the time and the attention. It was a drug. It felt good. He didn't have that heart to admit to himself what he was doing. Reality was out of sight. 
At this point Jay realized that he was in a situation that he never intended and had no one to blame but himself. He even stayed out all night with her. He lied to his wife... the night consisted of Millie throwing up all over being billigerent and Jay being straned in her car with a drunk driver. What was he to do now? He just wanted to be friends and she backed him into a corner. How was he to end it? Would she tell the owner? Would she tell his wife? He couldn't just ignore her and not give her the chance to corner him again. They worked together everyday. He knew he was weak. Instead of dealing with the problem he went along with it, afraid of conflict. He thought that there had to be away to get out without anyone getting hurt. 
The guilt was starting to get to him. Although they had only snuck around a few times and no sex was involved he did all he could to avoid his wife. His shifts of 7:30-2 and 5-9 had changed to 7-10:30 pm. He would pick fights with her or make an excuse to go right to bed. She begged him to hire more help, to deligate and to spend time with her and her son.
After the emotional affair (do you call it that without love... when it's one sided?) had been going on for two weeks Lori had enough. Jay was never there and was plain mean and distant when he was around. She decided to address it. She didn't give him a chance to avoid her any longer. After a lot of thought and soul searching she said to him. "Jay, I have done everything I can think of to make this relationship work. I am at peace with the fact that it is out of my hands and that I put all I have into. I can't live like this anymore. I have begged you to be with the family. I have begged you to be there for me during some dark times these last few weeks. I have stopped doing all your pet peeves, I have worked on my weaknesses, I have addressed and worked on our problems. This is your chance to part with me amicably. I don't care what is going on, I love you but I want us to be happy."
Almost from the get go he knew he loved his wife and didn't want to leave her. He drew her close and said nothing would ever keep them apart. He meant it. Now what to do?
From the get go Millie acted like Lori's friend and would even talk about their relationships. Lori admitted on a couple different occasions that her and Jay were having problems. After that talk though Millie noticed and immediate change. Lindsey came in and was glowing. She said proudly "We sorted it out, our problems are gone." Jay and Lori were affectionate at work and sometimes Millie was watching. Lori would put cute quotes on love on his facebook. He stopped going out with Millie. He would leave work early without saying goodbye. Millie was worried. She started corning Jay more frequently and breaking down all the time. He didn't know how to get rid of her. What would she do? She was a bit unpredictable and in a fairy tale land. Would he lose his job? What would she say?
He didn't spend time with Millie all week. At the end of the week she cornered him yet again. He agreed to go out. Just for one drink. He didn't know how to end it and thought it would bye him some time.
9:00 PM turned to 1:30 AM and Lori was worried. He said he would be home no later then 11:00. She drove down to their work and saw that he had left at 9. When she got home he was there. Admitted that he hung out with her and her friends but was to cowardly to admit the whole truth. Lori caught him on his lies slowly but surely and finally he denied getting her phone calls. She grabbed the phone and saw the texts. 
"Love you Jay"
"yea"
And more....
She took her son and left. He sobbed and pleaded with her... he never slept with her. It wasn't an affair. He told her he loved her. He let it go on... He had been so cruel to his wife because of her. Finally he had to wake up and smell the coffee.
He called Millie the next morning and told her it was all out in the open. Lori was calling their boss, Lori knew everything and they couldn't talk again.
Of course Millie lied when their boss confronted her. Lori is paranoid, they only hung out once untill 10:00. She is the victim. But after the boss learned the truth Millie was fired.
Lori is so much pain. Everyday hurts. It is so hard for Jay to see her this was day after day, month after month. It has been 4 months and she breaks down into tears often enough. Sometimes it will be 6 weeks between sometimes days. He feels so helpless. The fact is he never loved her... he felt no loss since ending things but relief. As more time went on he resented and hated Millie more and more. Convinced that Millie went after him to escape her lower class life with an ex-heroin addict fiance. That she wanted to become Lori. She wanted her life. 


How can Jay convince Lori that he never felt more then a friendship with Millie?
How can he live with himself?
How can Lori ever get over the pain?
Was it really an emotional affair if Jay never wanted Millie and his feelings never went beyond platonic? 
Was he lying to himself?
Could he really deal with seeing her anger and pain for the years that it would take her to move on?

Outside perspectives are much appreciated


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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

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## confused334 (May 7, 2011)

My therapist says not to trust what u think. I am trying to avoid triggers and acknowledge and push if outside my mind when I think about it. How do you get over this. I hope 100 per hour helps!
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