# Fitness test? And how to handle?



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok, the GF (of about 6 months) is visiting a friend about 3 hours driving away. She's coming back today, and we made plans simply to hang out the rest of the day after she gets back. She promises she'll leave by 8. At 9, I get a text saying she'll be leaving in "27 minutes". It's now almost 11, and I suspect she hasn't left yet.

So my thought is that this is a big fat sh!t test. She knows I don't have any other plans, because we were just going to hang out when she got here. But I'm thinking my options are:

1). Don't say anything, just hang out
2). Tell her that the next time she does something like this, she can just head home instead of coming over to my place.
3). Phone her when she's on the road, and tell her to just go head to her place.

Other ideas are accepted. I'm leaning towards #2, with an explanation that I love her, but what she did was disrespectful to me, and I won't tolerate that. Delivered in a calm voice. The question then is do I do that before or after the wild "OMG, we haven't seen each other in 2 days" sex? 

C
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

1) You have to do it before the sex. One must "never" look like you got what you wanted then confronted.

2) I'd simply text her and tell her I'm going out with friends. When she asks when you'll be returning, you say, "later".


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

If she is not at your place within a half an hour of when she should be, take off! When she calls tell her you figured that she decided to stay and wanted to get on with your day. Spend the rest of your day out. If she makes it home in time, just let her know it's disrespectful and you won't wait around in the future.
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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Conrad and WhereAmI are correct.

Treat this in a way that does not over emphasize that you are "upset" or in an overly way negatively affected by your woman's inconsiderate actions.

Go out doing something you enjoy. Communicate to her that she is the one who missed out.

The hot wild haven't seen each other sex will be even hotter and wilder for it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wolf is on it.

You'll probably get a doubleheader for your trouble.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I would agree with the other posters. Unless she had legitimate trouble along the way - car trouble or something - or even if somebody else popped in unexpectedly that she wanted to visit with before leaving, you shouldn't have to hang around waiting for her all day. Go do your own thing! She's doing hers. 

Oh, and if these are people she doesn't get to see very much, I'd just chalk it up to that and not worry too much.

However, if she seems like she's always chronically late for things, I'd keep an eye on that. Some people are like that - losing track of time. They don't seem like they change much - pretty much always oblivious. My SIL is like that and it drives me crazy - she would drop her kids off with me for two hours and five hours later she would come back - even if I had somewhere else I had to be before then. I put a stop to that. She was never fazed at all, but at least I wasn't sitting around stewing about being ignored or used any more.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

PBear,

This is an opportunity for you to "set the tone" in the relationship.

What she is doing is a version of the "I'm more important than you" game. Let's see if he'll wait for me and how long he'll wait. That will tell me how important I am.

"Oh honey, I was having a great time. I just got caught up in the moment." (and, I expect you to eat that shix sandwich because I'm more important than you)

Don't sweat it. This is "normal" for high-spirited women some 3-6 months into any relationship.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My first thought is you are blowing this out of proportion. However I do agree it's not good for you to just be waiting around for her. I'd simply wait a reasonable length of time then go out. Do NOT let on that you are upset though. Just simply say oh when you didn't make it her by X time I assumed you decided to stay longer with your friend so I made other plans. No biggie.

That sends the message without you saying a word that you wait for no one. And she's the one that missed out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mags,

I believe these things are largely subconscious.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just got back from breakfast with some friends. Thanks for the input, everyone. I'll reply in more detail later, as I'm expecting company soon... 

C
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

PBear said:


> Ok, the GF (of about 6 months) is visiting a friend about 3 hours driving away. She's coming back today, and we made plans simply to hang out the rest of the day after she gets back. She promises she'll leave by 8. At 9, I get a text saying she'll be leaving in "27 minutes". It's now almost 11, and I suspect she hasn't left yet.
> 
> So my thought is that this is a big fat sh!t test. She knows I don't have any other plans, because we were just going to hang out when she got here. But I'm thinking my options are:
> 
> ...


I'd just hope she'd get back safely after a 3 hour drive but that's me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I'd just hope she'd get back safely after a 3 hour drive but that's me.


You lord protector alpha you.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Mags,
> 
> I believe these things are largely subconscious.


Exactly that's why I said he's overreacting. It's not a fitness test per se it's just life. She's out likely with friends she doesn't see often and has simply lost track of time. Haven't we all done that at one time or another? 

But he's aware that this has the potential to cause resentment and for that I applaud him. We train people how to treat us no doubt about it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> You lord protector alpha you.


She’s a 3 hour drive and she let him know she’s going to be late. And he posts on a forum for advice. I don’t understand the madness that’s going on Conrad.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AFEH said:


> She’s a 3 hour drive and she let him know she’s going to be late. And he posts on a forum for advice. I don’t understand the madness that’s going on Conrad.


Robert,

I do admit, the fitness tests I received in that area did not involve a thoughtful phone call beforehand.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It's still a fitness test. Even with the phone call. And it truly speaks that she portrays her time is more important than his. Would she call into work saying she will be thirty minutes late, then actually show up two hours later? No. Subconscious or not, she thinks it's no big deal, because it's her BF. Remember, these things happen one small little tiny slice at a time, until she's giving the ILYBINILWY speech.
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> It's still a fitness test. Even with the phone call. And it truly speaks that she portrays her time is more important than his. Would she call into work saying she will be thirty minutes late, then actually show up two hours later? No. Subconscious or not, she thinks it's no big deal, because it's her BF. Remember, these things happen one small little tiny slice at a time, until she's giving the ILYBINILWY speech.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha! It’s Sunday morning for goodness sake. So she didn’t get up at 6:30 and start out at 8, so what?

Seems to me the OP is more concerned about getting his end away and seeing if it was a fitness test than anything else!!! He totally failed from that point of view.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

AFEH said:


> She’s a 3 hour drive and she let him know she’s going to be late. And he posts on a forum for advice. I don’t understand the madness that’s going on Conrad.


Exactly. How is this a test? She called, she let him know. People run late and being 3 hours away and at a friend's, who knows what might have come up.

To the Op, why do you think she hadn't left yet?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Ha! It’s Sunday morning for goodness sake. So she didn’t get up at 6:30 and start out at 8, so what?
> 
> Seems to me the OP is more concerned about getting his end away and seeing if it was a fitness test than anything else!!! He totally failed from that point of view.


Sometimes I really really like you Bob. I agree. 
Apparently some people here have never run late in their lives and a courteous phone call isn't sufficient.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok, finally back...

First off, this isn't uncommon that she does this. I would guess at least once a week I get a text saying that she's just leaving about the time I'm expecting to meet her. So when she said the previous day that she was leaving at 8, I had already translated that to 9. I got the text at 9 saying that she was leaving in 30 minutes, but she didn't actually leave till 11. 

Anywhoo... I simply ended up going out for breakfast just after sending the original post. During breakfast, I got a call on my cell, saw it was her, and just texted back to her "sorry I didn't take your call, but I'm at breakfast with some friends". She replied that was great, told me when she'd be in town, and that was about it. When she got in, she apologized again for leaving late, said that she spent part of the trip listening to time management tapes. I accepted her apology, and we proceeded with the date. No drama.

Thanks for the input, all! It made for an interesting read. There is some back story with my stbx-wife being fairly meek and mild, yet continually prioritizing other people in front of me and the immediate family. Like rearranging our holiday plans to suit someone else, rather than us. I found myself resenting that over time, and I don't want to let that happen again. Combine that with still learning the current GF, reading in here about fitness tests and waiting for one, and knowing I have a tendency to be very easy going... Didn't mean to raise a sh!t storm, though. 

C
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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I like that she said "27 minutes" ......sounds like she's a bit of a rock star whereby punctuality isn't one of her strongest points? I don't understand fitness tests. Seen the term mentioned on these boards a lot but I don't get what that's about yet. If she said to me she was leaving in 27 minutes, I'd find that adorable and I love that she was listening to time management tapes lol.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, punctuality is not her strong point... Not just with me, but in general. She freely admits that, and she has from the start. 

C
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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

PBear said:


> No, punctuality is not her strong point... Not just with me, but in general. She freely admits that, and she has from the start.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I might need to borrow those tapes of hers


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## Account V2.0 (Jul 8, 2011)

If every time my wife is running late it is a fitness test she must be testing me, her parents, our priest, our doctor, the movie theater people, ... 

Some people just run late. There is no test to it.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Whether anyone else thinks it was a test, that is not even important.

To the OP, it was a test.

If he sulked at home like a child, and built resentment, he would have failed. This communicate to his woman he is a needy clingy child.

If he got angry, and this anger came out next time he saw his woman, he would have failed. He communicate to his woman he is unstable, or insecure.

Since he took initiative to continue to do his own thing, enjoying breakfast, this diffuses resentment and communicates he is independent and decisive man. He pass with flying colors.

However, since he indicate this is a pattern, it still indicate either his woman is unable or unwilling to be considerate to other's time.

This is a big deal. 

Whether a time management issue, a lack of maturity issue, a deliberate pattern of self entitlement behavior, all of these have a capability of creating resentment, and eroding respect. 

And she admits it. Good. 

But that is not an excuse for a woman not to be able to behave as an adult. 

And fact of the matter, this predictable habit of scolding men because something his woman is doing is "no big deal" is frought with error.

If some behavior is causing resentment, then something needs to be identified and addressed. It is a big deal.

Resentment is relationship poison. 

Sometimes it is heaped all at once, but mostly it builds only a spoonful at a time. 

These things that are said to be "no big deal" are spoonfuls, make no doubt on that.

PBear, you acted correctly, and you and your relationship will be better for it.

You didn't ask for further advice, so I will only end with this:

1. Things that cause resentment, be bold, trust yourself, and calmly but confidently deal with them front on. Do not let anyone on this earth dismiss you doing what you need to do.

2. Your woman, as most women, she admits these faults for a reason. If your relationship is serious, and you are wanting to be with this woman for a long long time, do not hold back in your own expectations. Promptness, respect, consideration for other's time, these things either are present, or are not present, from expectations.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And by all means - do not speak to her about these things as if she were a man.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Women such as your GF and my wife do not have a concept of time. They totally underestimate how long it takes to do anything, go anywhere.

You hardly matter in the equation.

It is significant that she contacted you to tell you she is running late. A good sign.

However, it is likely she is the running late all the time kind of person. Might not be a good match for you if you take it personally.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I agree with everyone's comments, and thus my response would have been a combination of everyones opinion. I'll explain.

I dont' like the thought of you "waiting" for her, while she stalls and in total leaves 3 hours behind schedule. So I would do everything you did with one exception. I would have ensure my plans ran some overlap till after she was available and waiting for you.

However, I would have been upfront about it. Since you don't really know when she was showing up, until she gets there you made some other plans. Bfast, and maybe a hair cut etc. Once she got into town and presumably called your cell that she was available - I would explain that you did something else and will be available in a half hour or so. Don't make her wait a rude amount of time, just a little bit as her change of plans caused your change of plans. 

All of this happy and upbeat, just simply a result of having extra time to kill. Your projecting that your a busy guy, with lots of options and not just waiting for her grand entrance. If she doesn't like it, then in the future she only needs to be reliable enough to show up on time and you will be there. It's just a consequence to her own actions and within her power to control.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks again, all.

With regards to the resentment and all that... I think a good chunk of it is simply learning another person's personality after living with someone else for 17 years. For both of us, as she's coming out of a long term relationship too. I don't have any thoughts that she takes our time together or me for granted though, and I don't get any sense that she would consciously play any "games". I think we both communicate that the other person is a significant part of our lives now. But this whole "fitness test" thing is a new concept to me, so I was kind of watching to see if/when one would crop up. She's important enough to me that i'd prefer not to muck things up.  In any case, whether this was one or not, I'm comfortable with how it turned out. I had a nice breakfast with friends that I wouldn't have otherwise, she knows that I wasn't sitting at home pining away and fretting... 

Anyway, life is good. I'm happy with where we're at, we had a great time together yesterday, and life is good. 

C
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Eagleclaw, I thought about doing that... But to me, that felt very close to "game playing", especially since it would be a conscious decision on my part. And there was also the fact that she was on her way back after a four day road trip, and I was pretty sure she was ready to just crash somewhere. Making her hang out somewhere for half an hour or whatever seemed more inconsiderate at that point.

C
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