# Bipolar meets PTSD. Could this even work? SEX?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

My partner (woman) and I have been together mostly for 12 years and have 2 young kids. After a lot of hard years in our relationship, we both decided to go to counseling. She determined that my partner suffered some PTSD like symptoms from a rough childhood and abusive step-dad. She has attended EDMR sessions to help with that. She is very reactive to a louder male or anger in the house. She is not lily white and can be a bi*** IMO at times but usually never yells or anything. 

I was just diagnosed as Bipolar. I have mood swings that are hard to control but mostly feel anxious, mad, and frustrated most of the time and apparently it shows. 

She says she feels sick when coming home not knowing my mood, etc. Makes me sick to hear and that and I want things to change and willing to do what is needed. She says she just cannot "handle me" but I honestly believe some of my issues are not near as bad as she sees. Apparently when when the house floods, I should just say "darn" and laugh... I am trying to determine if there is a common ground between my mood swings and her hyper sensitivity. 

We talked for a while. She cried a lot but what is coming out of her mouth friggin HURTS. I asked her what would be her ideal day coming home, she said "not you". Everything she is saying is "we are done" but we have had some good times and I really want to fix my issues for myself and my family. 

She is also willing to have sex as a "sex only", no kissing type of deal. I will admit that IIRC, woman have a hard time separating sex from emotion so maybe the sex could mean it might not be over? Or should I be careful with that?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have PTSD and I couldn't be married to someone who was mad and frustrated most of the time. My husband has the most stable moods out there and the very rare times he does get upset it unnerves me. I can't imagine having to live like that daily. He's usually over his mood in 5 minutes and that is hard enough despite me having years of therapy.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> I will admit that IIRC, woman have a hard time separating sex from emotion so maybe the sex could mean it might not be over? Or should I be careful with that?


Not always true. My wife was initiating sex with me right up until she walked out and filed for D. When I asked her about it, she said she just liked sex and would have had sex every night. It had nothing to do with love or emotions for her.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like you could be her "trigger" for many things. Which could hinder her healing. Someone who suffers from PTSD probably has a hard time with someone whose moods are unpredictable. Are either of you on any medications?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

She is not currently on meds but has been for depression after the loss of her father which is still problematic for her. 

I am not currently on meds but looking at meds today and may go get a script as soon as today. I know 15yrs ago I knew something was wrong as I suffer from what I consider panic attacks, social anxiety, and now bipolar. To be honest, these are all just labels for likely the same issue that I fight. Blood work cannot find my issue as of yet. 

I think what is most frustrating is I really feel she has a skewed reality in her mind which is simply unrealistic or simply outside my character. She seriously feels if kids are pouring syrup on the carpet, I should throw them another bottle!! Like totally don't give a ****! 

While I will certainly admit that my behaviors are probably not acceptable, she makes it seem that I fly off the handle with everything. I raise my voice a lot with our kids. They simply do not respond so I am really frustrated here!! 

Example that just came up this morning. My 3yo ate and had syrup on his hands, then took off to cuddle mom on the couch. I told him to go wash his hands in which he totally ignored me as usual. In that example, I would usually raise my voice to get action. Since I am now totally lost as to how to cope and likely will lose my partner now, I just said **** it and let him make a mess. 

Another example that makes no sense. Mom wants to see people pick up after themselves. Then she tells me that she likes seeing toys on the floor and it means the boys are playing and hates when I move them over with my foot so I have a place to friggin walk! I mean come on, there has to be some point in the middle here. 

It is seriously like every single thing I do is wrong. If she makes something to eat (she is now paleo), I might ask what is in it? In which I honestly am a bit interested since it is outside both of our norm for foods. She takes offense. If I don't like it, she has issue with that too.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Has the counselor suggested you read up on PTSD and the effects, etc? If not might be a good idea, and might be a good idea for her to read up on bipolar. Its always good if a person can educate themselves as much as possible on what they may be dealing with. Once you and and your wife understand that your actions/reactions are based on what the counselor seems to feel you have, then maybe you all can find some kind of middle ground to be able to work with things. Your wife may just have PTSD or she may have something else too. It would be good if you both had a better understanding of what each of you have, all the while working on yourselves.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I am sensing from her (and hearing) that she is beyond wanting to work on anything. She indicates that just driving towards home she feels anxious being concerned of my mood. However, she also admits that I have improved my mood. I will admit that I am grumpy a lot but there are a lot of things just not right in our life. However, I guess I am grumpy too much. 

I was watching some vids of type II bipolars and have to admit, mine does not seem as severe. I do agree with the diagnosis but I have been tested hard the past month and feel I have done decent. I certainly got mad but my god, I seriously think every therapist thinks any anger at all is a "condition" that needs treatment. 

I am also told that Bipolars will have an alternate reality and think it is not a big deal so I am really stuck here. I really would like someone to follow me around and see if my reactions seem "palatable for the public".


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

bob, I know you're not wanting to do this, and I'm not saying its the right thing to do really, but have you ever thought about telling her that since you feel she doesn't want to work on things that that maybe you all should separate? I don't want it to throw her in tail spin, but at the same time, I wonder if the reality of the marriage possibly ending could wake her up. The bottom line is, if your presented her with that option, it would be interesting to see if she simply didn't care one way or the other. If not, then you may have your answer as to what to do. However, married or not, you both will still need to see a counselor and work on your recovery/healing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems like you guys have lots of "middle ground" you can explore, like with the toys and the cooking. Your wife has to be willing to work with you on that but in your first example, it seems that you have no tools to deal with your three year old between asking him to do something and yelling at him. That's on you to deal with, and that's part of effective parenting. You'd have the same problem if you are with your wife or not... You need to learn more tools in dealing with your children. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Um, she is actually the one insisting we end it. We are not actually married. I asked her what a perfect day would be like in her head and she said "not with you". She still has a lot of tears so I am ever hopeful that it means there is still something there and I certainly want to work on it. I have always tried to understand why she does not seem to have a "marriage gene" and does not seem to understand what "better/worse" is. I call her selfish for that and she says she is just protecting herself. Her mom was married 4x and current husband is out of the country 330 days a year! 

I want to find common ground because she can and does make me happy and I can make her happy but if she is not willing to commit to a relationship, it can never work. 

She is not cheating, not shopping for a place to live, etc. We just went on a family vaca 1 week ago. However, she said her nerves are just fried from being around me. Lots of things she "thinks" are issues are now not of concern to me. I have been growing up into fatherhood and she does acknowledge that. 


LET ME ASK THIS: Since this is actually the basis of a LOT of my frustration in life right now. I am living with someone for 12 yrs, 2 kids, she walks in the door but rarely even says hi, NEVER says I love you, never touches me, never holds me, never initiates sex. I have told her before sex is a BIG deal for me because it both fills a physical desire and affirms love for me (to me anyway). 

Would this make most partners pissy to be rejected 98% of the time by their partner? She puts her job, kids, family, etc ALL before me.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If your wife wants the marriage to at least have a chance, she needs to be on board with some things. 

Also, as far as your children go, you might could try something along the lines of if you ask them to do something nice the first time and they ignore you, then you need to get on their level... Look them in the eye, and in a nice but firm tone, tell them you didn't appreciate them ignoring you, and that you would appreciate it if they did xyz whatever it is you asked of them...No yelling or anger involved, just nice but firm and to the point... its not likely to happen overnight and you all will need to be consistent... Your wife needs to be on board with this as well... If two parents are telling them two different things, then they are getting mixed messages, and they will likely not listen to either of you.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> LET ME ASK THIS: Since this is actually the basis of a LOT of my frustration in life right now. I am living with someone for 12 yrs, 2 kids, she walks in the door but rarely even says hi, NEVER says I love you, never touches me, never holds me, never initiates sex. I have told her before sex is a BIG deal for me because it both fills a physical desire and affirms love for me (to me anyway).


I know you stated she wasn't cheating, but how do you know for sure? And yes, it could be she just has checked out due her nerves/anxiety etc. If thats the case then maybe she needs to talk to her doctor about how bad her nerves are and see if they can prescribe her something.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Trey, I cannot confirm the faithfulness other than to say "I know her". She actually is painfully honest. She has kept things from me like a speeding ticket but if I ask, I have never known her to ever lie to me. She actually got pretty offensive when I asked like "is that really what you think this is about?"

I do believe her and I also believe her on the nerves. I need to fully understand what it is about me SPECIFICALLY that sets her off. It is entirely possible that it is something like the tone of my voice that I could never change. It might also be more misunderstandings than anything.

One thing that WAY frustrates me is she just keeps saying "it is not up to me to baby you or make you happy". It makes me sick because I firmly feel just a little help is all I am looking for. She considers "comforting" is "babying". When I cry, she comforts, when I am pissed because the air conditioner just went out and temps outside are 105*, she resents that I am pissed. I am NOT pissed at her, I did not throw things, I simply pouted as I juggled in my head how I wanted to fix it. That apparently is unacceptable.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> She actually got pretty offensive when I asked like "is that really what you think this is about?"


Getting offensive could actually be a red flag. Then again it could also mean she felt she wasn't being heard or that she wasn't being believed. 

Usually if at least one person doesn't really want things to work, then its likely not to. I'm not saying she might not wake up one day and see the light, and want things to work, but right now, if she truly doesn't, then maybe tell her you are willing to do a trial separation. 

If after some time passes she seems to be better then unfortunately it could have been you were her trigger. PTSD people can be highly sensitive to certain things. I'm not saying things can't be worked out or get better for you all, but if she truly wants out, then you may be fighting a losing battle. And things will likely stay the same. Something, somewhere needs to change.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> When I cry, she comforts, when I am pissed because the air conditioner just went out and temps outside are 105*, she resents that I am pissed. I am NOT pissed at her, I did not throw things, I simply pouted as I juggled in my head how I wanted to fix it. That apparently is unacceptable.


Well I can tell you from first hand experience my husband doesn't cry, but he does pout, acts in a passive/aggressive manner etc, and when he acts like that it does NOT make me feel close to him. Sexual or otherwise. Its like he is looking for me to console him and I actually used too, because I didn't know any better. I no longer do that, and even though he still acts that way, I'm not his mother nor will act like it. He reminds me of a 5 yr old, well sorry not attracted to a 5 yr old, so he needs to grow up and work on his issues. Maybe your wife feels the same about you? She may not feel close to someone who cries and pouts, and has anger issues. I don't even have PTSD and so I can only imagine how your wife must feel. It does sound like trigger issues for her.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I certainly have some learned behaviors that I guess I need to work on because I honestly don't even know how to deal with a situation as the air conditioner issue. I am pissed, it shows. Probably 90% of men get pissed. Are they supposed to hold it in until they have a heart attack? What would be a normal reaction? 

I am already working on about 4 things to help with this disorder because I do believe it is ruling my life right now. However, if I am to work on my issues, I just do not understand her refusal to work with me. When she was clinically depressed, I worked with her. When she has issues, I stand by her. When I have issues, I feel she just wants to walk away.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> I certainly have some learned behaviors that I guess I need to work on because I honestly don't even know how to deal with a situation as the air conditioner issue. I am pissed, it shows. Probably 90% of men get pissed. Are they supposed to hold it in until they have a heart attack? What would be a normal reaction?


If the air condition went out, then perhaps its good to call someone who can come look at it/fix it. Getting mad about it wont solve anything or fix it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Actually, I am the repair guy and it was looking like it was going to cost a LOT. 

However, beside the point, I hear what you are saying but possibly due to living in my bipolar world, I am seriously questioning how much mad is normal? When is it normal for a MAN for be mad? Again, therapists seem to also warp into this alt reality that mad means they need therapy and meds. I cannot imagine anyone being happy to hear they just got elected to climb under a house, in the mud, 105*,and pay 2 grand for equipment. 

I am really not trying to pick a fight there, I am just spelling out the details of when if anytime mad is considered normal given a circumstance?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How did you express your emotions?

Seems that your wife may be hypersensitive to negative emotions, possibly because of her background. Expecting her to just "get over it" is unreasonable, but it's something she can work on. The same goes for you... There may be reasons for emotional outbursts, and expecting immediate changes may be unreasonable. But it's something you can work on. 

The two things are semi-independent of each other. If your wife isn't dealing with your emotional outbursts, that doesn't give you an out to stop trying. And vice versa. But your wife really does need to buy into working on her side of things as well, or you may as well pull the plug now. But the tools you develop now will help you in the future, so the effort is still worthwhile. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I honestly would have to think back to every detail in that air conditioner situation. But if I remember right, I was mostly standing in the kitchen hanging my head in frustration as I was troubleshooting in my head what happened. I am sure I said something to her like "this is seriously NOT good". She replied "well get over it". I think I had to further explain in a mad tone that this would cost several grand and days of my time if it is the worse case. 

I know for a fact that I did not throw anything, did not yell at her, and did not yell period. I was just pissed! She has a hyper sense of my frustration and says she can tell how I walk if it is "one of those days". She really makes me sounds like I am a raging hot head every day but I will admit that it does not take much for me to get mad if something happens. I am not sure why yet but. 

For instance, yesterday I asked my son to empty the dishwasher, he was acting careless because he did not want to do it and dropped several plates. I yelled at him to get out and go to his room and I took over. I might have been out of line yelling but I did not start throwing things and screaming for several minutes. 

I think it only takes 1 second for her receptors to go off and say, "I can't handle it". I am just not a passive person.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think you"re making excuses for your behavior. You say you yelled but you didn't throw anything. 
That's great you didn't throw anything but words can be quite damaging. You yelling in anger is damaging 
To your family. Anger management might be a good idea for you right now as well. Try to focus less on your
Wife being overly sensitive and focus more on learning new coping skills and ways to deal with life in general.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Yep, I will agree with that. I am mostly trying to determine if this is a learned behavior or a real medical condition. Therapist wants to label me as bipolar but from what I understand, this would be a pretty mind case. However, I do have the states of depression as well. I am working on several things in life right now and it really feels like I am climbing a mountain. If I looks down, it looks great to see how far I have gotten, if I look up and see how far it is, I feel depressed. Still trying to determine if this is normal.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

There's different levels of Bipolar. Has your counselor told you which they feel you may have?
Do you have other symptoms besides some depression and anger?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Not really. They claim these euphoric highs but I am not sure I get those. I usually have my normal positive self and then a more depressed self that has trouble engaging work. My other half seems to think my evening that I spend hours on the computer are a concern but I am usually trying to figure something out for work. There is talk of insomnia with bipolar but I have never had too much problem sleeping. I will admit that I have some issues getting going in the morning and I would certainly love to figure that out but been that way since my teens. 

I am not trying to play down my symptoms but I am not sure I have them all. I am also not sure if mood swings at some level are considered normal or if that is a big flag. I know I can feel depressed for really no reason at times. Just "blah" in the middle of the day. I am honestly wondering if some of this is my diet. 

What I decided today was I started GABA suppliments, Omega-3, back on my multi vit, stop beer drinking (WOW!!!), plan to get my running shoes back on, and talk with the therapist about EMDR therapy for any of these learned behaviors. 

I was actually looking at these meds above for a while and already had the GABA. I think there is in imbalance in my head or endocrine system so I need to figure out which. I have drank beer all my life at about the "moderate" levels created by the alcohol abuse institute. I have been known to drink to excess but I hate doing it any more. I PAY...getting older. I guess beer drinking can affect blood sugars the next day so I figure it is worth trying. It costs nothing...actually saves me money. So instead of beer, I get pills...yeah! Guaranteed if things get better, I will "test" beer again. Maybe move to wine..lol


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I would add that I am an engineer and geared towards science. I like to learn and figure things out. My partner may not understand this but I think sometimes I have an addiction to it. I get hung up at night sometimes learning about some new technology or whatever. Then I want to talk and share it with someone, but no one cares... So I do kind of feel like a bottled up encylopedia at times.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My dad was Bipolar, and he would mostly have depressed episodes with 
anger. Rarely did I see him in a manic state. He also had a drinking problem. 
Substance abuse is common with Bipolar and/ or other disorders. Doesn't mean
Everyone with a disorder has a substance abuse issue but its common they sometimes
can go hand in hand. If you are unsure if your bipolar diagnoses you could always 
Get a second opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I appreciate that. How did your dad cope? Meds? Married? 

I know there are many that feel any level of alcohol consumption means abuse but while I do not feel I have a problem over drinking most of the time, I certainly can remember in my 20s purposely chugging 2 beers before going out to calm down. However, that is not bipolar, that is anxiety. 

I recently learned that beer causes GABA to be formed in the body which calms it. I am now medicating with a GABA supplement so I am very hopeful. I still would not mind a beer in the evening.


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