# My daughter and her attachment issues...



## UnderPressure

Hey guys. Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but I'm having an issue with my daughter and I'd like some advice. 

A little back story: 
When she was two she found this fleece blanket at her aunts house. She decided to keep it. This is where it all began...
At her fifth birthday party a little preschool boyfriend of hers bought her a stuffed animal. She'd already been dragging "blanky" around everywhere she went, and for some reason this new stuffed animal really won her over big time and he became part of their little posse. 

She wouldn't leave the house without them. She insisted on taking them everywhere she went. If it was forgotten she panicked and they had to be brought to her. If it was somewhere that she truly couldn't take them, they're the first thing she got her hands on when she got home. She would fall asleep with the blanket wrapped around her finger smelling it. 

One day, summer 2016, they were left at a grandparents and when we came to get them they were nowhere to be found. She was heartbroken. I literally dumpster dove at said grandparents apartment complex looking for the silly things thinking maybe they'd been left outside. No luck. They were replaced by a little brown bear. The same behavior began until the same irresponsible grandparent misplaced that. Cue the little pink bear. This was February of this year. The whole situation had started to get annoying once Kindergarten started, because I honestly believed she'd lose interest in them, but not at all. At this point she's either sneaking the bear into her backpack (first grade), and if I'm catching it she's begging me to let her take it with her. She's talking to it, she's tucking it into bed, she's smelling it. To be completely honest it had begun to creep me out. I had to start making her leave it with me at times because she wanted to eat with it in her hand, tried to dress with it in her hand and tried to go to the bathroom with it in her hand. That bear ended up gone, and the affection(obsession) has been transferred to a new stuffed animal. 

My daughter is eight now. She's recently had this bear taken away and is only allowed it at bedtime because I'm tired of seeing her sneak it to the living room (where it's prohibited), but I'm afraid to let her sleep without it and be lonely at night. 

We've had different theories on what's causing this. At one point my husband was joking around about a spirit being with her (and maybe just inhabiting whatever critter or blanket she had handy) and he asked her if the bear could talk to her. She said yes it could, but only she could hear it. Now, I'm not saying I necessarily believe that's the case, and call me crazy but I'm not going to rule it out either. I'd prefer that not be it, but I can't help feeling like it could explain why she goes from one and then is very specific about the next one she's obsessed with. 

I also worry, am I not doing well enough as a mother to her? I've always been a stay at home mom with the kids, and you could probably say I get a little ridiculous when it comes to them and making sure everything is alright with them, but I'm having trouble and grasping at straws. 

I see this as a really unhealthy obsession and it's starting to scare me but I'm not sure I could explain it in any way to a doctor that would make sense and I'd be taken seriously. I'm afraid as my daughter gets older if this doesn't become resolved then it might start causing issues for her with classmates and her siblings. Children are cruel. I don't want mine to be made fun of because of something like this. 

Does anyone have any suggestions?


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## mary35

Lots of children do this. Look at the world from their point of view. It can be a scary place, especially if she has some anxiety issues - which some do. It could also be a sensory issue. The soft feel and worn smell may be calming to her. And some kids have a vivid imagination - talking to a doll or toy is not uncommon. She is still very young and may just need the extra security she gets from her chosen item. You can start to gradually wean her and see how she does, but you may have to teach her some other coping mechanics to use it it's a severe anxiety issue. If you're really concerned, talk to the school counselor and see if she has some suggestions. 

Personally, I wouldn't worry too much - for awhile. First grade is still pretty young, IMO. Maybe you csn get a small stuffed animal that doesn't take up a lot of space. If she insists on carrying it down the aisle when she gets married - then worry. lol


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## Ynot

FWIW, my daughter did much the same thing. She would fixate on some toy and carry it around with her. She wouldn't go to bed without it. Eventually she out grew this behavior. That was 20 years ago. Today she is a very successful independent, self sufficient adult. She graduated near the top of her HIS class. Then finished college in 4 years summa cum laude with a bachelors in nursing. She now works as an oncology nurse in the cancer ICU at one of the leading cancer hospitals in the country. She has started applying to become a CNP. So don't stress too much about what your daughter is going through now. She will out grow it and be fine.


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## Diana7

As long as its just a bed time thing now I wouldn't worry.


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## MrsHolland

The stuffed bear is prohibited from the lounge? OK that's extreme but anyway.

It's normal behaviour, lol my 20 year old still has a soft toy given to him by an old GF that travels with him between his dads house and mine.


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## FeministInPink

OK, I'm not a parent. But I was a kid once, believe it or not.

I had a blanket, and I named it Blankie, which I got around the time your daughter got her blanket. The next year, I received a stuffed rabbit for Christmas. His name was Timmy Rabbit. I talked to both Timmy Rabbit and Blankie, slept with them every night, took them everywhere I went. Yes, Timmy Rabbit and Blankie would sometimes come to school with me, but I began leaving them at home when I realized they would be safer at home than with me. But other than that, I still took them everywhere. This lasted until I was about your daughter's age, but I still slept with them for several years after that. As I got older, I stopped sleeping with them, but I kept them somewhere nearby in my room. I didn't take them with me when I left for college, or when I moved out an got my own place, but they still hold a place of honor on the shelf in my old room, which is now my dad's room. (Blankie is now, basically, a ball of string; Timmy Rabbit is about three stitches from completely disintegrating. I loved them HARD.) 

The exact same thing happened with my sister, her blanket, and her stuffed dog Muttsy. Except she took Muttsy with her when she moved out.

Both my sister and I are well-adjusted, fully functioning members of adult society. We both outgrew our attachments to our stuffed animals, and so will your daughter. I don't think that you really have anything to worry about.


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## aine

UnderPressure said:


> Hey guys. Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but I'm having an issue with my daughter and I'd like some advice.
> 
> A little back story:
> When she was two she found this fleece blanket at her aunts house. She decided to keep it. This is where it all began...
> At her fifth birthday party a little preschool boyfriend of hers bought her a stuffed animal. She'd already been dragging "blanky" around everywhere she went, and for some reason this new stuffed animal really won her over big time and he became part of their little posse.
> 
> She wouldn't leave the house without them. She insisted on taking them everywhere she went. If it was forgotten she panicked and they had to be brought to her. If it was somewhere that she truly couldn't take them, they're the first thing she got her hands on when she got home. She would fall asleep with the blanket wrapped around her finger smelling it.
> 
> One day, summer 2016, they were left at a grandparents and when we came to get them they were nowhere to be found. She was heartbroken. I literally dumpster dove at said grandparents apartment complex looking for the silly things thinking maybe they'd been left outside. No luck. They were replaced by a little brown bear. The same behavior began until the same irresponsible grandparent misplaced that. Cue the little pink bear. This was February of this year. The whole situation had started to get annoying once Kindergarten started, because I honestly believed she'd lose interest in them, but not at all. At this point she's either sneaking the bear into her backpack (first grade), and if I'm catching it she's begging me to let her take it with her. She's talking to it, she's tucking it into bed, she's smelling it. To be completely honest it had begun to creep me out. I had to start making her leave it with me at times because she wanted to eat with it in her hand, tried to dress with it in her hand and tried to go to the bathroom with it in her hand. That bear ended up gone, and the affection(obsession) has been transferred to a new stuffed animal.
> 
> My daughter is eight now. She's recently had this bear taken away and is only allowed it at bedtime because I'm tired of seeing her sneak it to the living room (where it's prohibited), but I'm afraid to let her sleep without it and be lonely at night.
> 
> We've had different theories on what's causing this. At one point my husband was joking around about a spirit being with her (and maybe just inhabiting whatever critter or blanket she had handy) and he asked her if the bear could talk to her. She said yes it could, but only she could hear it. Now, I'm not saying I necessarily believe that's the case, and call me crazy but I'm not going to rule it out either. I'd prefer that not be it, but I can't help feeling like it could explain why she goes from one and then is very specific about the next one she's obsessed with.
> 
> I also worry, am I not doing well enough as a mother to her? I've always been a stay at home mom with the kids, and you could probably say I get a little ridiculous when it comes to them and making sure everything is alright with them, but I'm having trouble and grasping at straws.
> 
> I see this as a really unhealthy obsession and it's starting to scare me but I'm not sure I could explain it in any way to a doctor that would make sense and I'd be taken seriously. I'm afraid as my daughter gets older if this doesn't become resolved then it might start causing issues for her with classmates and her siblings. Children are cruel. I don't want mine to be made fun of because of something like this.
> 
> Does anyone have any suggestions?


I think this is normal behaviour for some kids, the fact that you are making a fuss and setting boundaries is probably making it an obsession for her. If you ignore the toys and stop giving them so much attention, maybe she will too.


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## Tatsuhiko

The internet seems to be full of information on "comfort objects": https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_object

Everything I read suggests that your daughter's behavior is normal. She'll eventually "outgrow" the object on her own. I would just give it time. It seems very positive to me that she is able to transition from one object to the next.


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## Satya

My guess, the animals are the instrument of her self soothing. If not an animal (reliable, non-reactive) then it would be a person who is equally reliable and doesn't disagree or challenge her.

Is she told "no" or disappointed a lot? This might be one way that he finds comfort and you're trying to banish it, thinking that will resolve her need. It clearly is not.

Maybe explore with a therapist why she has this need. It could be normal and she could shed the need as she grows older.


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## UnderPressure

MrsHolland said:


> The stuffed bear is prohibited from the lounge? OK that's extreme but anyway.


I'm not sure how saying my rule is extreme was constructive at all, but anyway. 

No, I don't believe it being kept out of the living room is extreme, when the other three children's toys are kept out of there. It's a matter of not playing favorites. If one kid is told yes, suddenly all four want to bring their blankets and stuffed animals to the living room and since none of them are big on picking up after themselves, I find myself with another mess to tidy up. I won't bend rules for one that I won't bend for all of them, that wouldn't be fair.


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## Ynot

UnderPressure said:


> I'm not sure how saying my rule is extreme was constructive at all, but anyway.
> 
> No, I don't believe it being kept out of the living room is extreme, when the other three children's toys are kept out of there. It's a matter of not playing favorites. If one kid is told yes, suddenly all four want to bring their blankets and stuffed animals to the living room and since none of them are big on picking up after themselves, I find myself with another mess to tidy up. I won't bend rules for one that I won't bend for all of them, that wouldn't be fair.


It isn't extreme in the least bit. To get my daughter to stop using her pacifier, we limited it to only being used inside her bedroom. She would come out and play, but have to go to her room if she wanted to use it. After a while, she realized she didn't really need it and she stopped going back to her room. Eventually she just stopped using it. It is all part of socializing your child.


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## UnderPressure

Satya said:


> My guess, the animals are the instrument of her self soothing. If not an animal (reliable, non-reactive) then it would be a person who is equally reliable and doesn't disagree or challenge her.
> 
> Is she told "no" or disappointed a lot? This might be one way that he finds comfort and you're trying to banish it, thinking that will resolve her need. It clearly is not.
> 
> Maybe explore with a therapist why she has this need. It could be normal and she could shed the need as she grows older.


Usually, no. Unless it's something just completely unreasonable I do my best not to tell her no, unless I have too, but then I try to make her understand why the answer is no. 
She isn't allowed to take the bear to her dads house, his rule, not mine. But I support it because he lives a decent distance away and he's made it clear if she forgot it at his house he wouldn't bring it to her. For this reason I won't let her take it there because I'd be afraid she'd have to go without it for weeks and I don't want to do that to her. 
She's a very well loved child, very smart. At conference the only thing her teacher said was they were working on learning when it was okay to talk and when it was better to listen ? Excellent grades, I try to make sure she has the kind of confidence growing up that every little girl needs and sometimes doesn't have.
She's active outside of school with various sports and groups, and since I got remarried she's gained a few more siblings, so I make sure I set aside time just for me and her so she knows she's not been replaced. I guess it just worries me because I've never seen a kid act like this about a stuffed animal; I've always just seen special bears to sleep with, or a comfort blanket when the kid is smaller than she is, etc.


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## UnderPressure

Diana7 said:


> As long as its just a bed time thing now I wouldn't worry.


Right now it's a bedtime thing, but only because I made it so. We'd been dealing with some behavioral issues that IMO were getting kind of extreme, being loud and disrespectful to me and my husband. It's behavior that isn't exhibited at her dads or her grandparents house, but she knows they'll spank her if she acts up. I'm not a huge fan of spanking. It doesn't seem effective in the way I'd like it to be. I'd rather my child fear the loss of a privilege instead of fearing my hand. I don't want that type of relationship with her. I was afraid to take away her after school activities because a) it's how she's socializing outside of school and b) those are activities that are being paid for. The bear was my next solution. I thought if she understood that if she spoke to me the way she had been, she could expect to lose something she enjoyed having with her until she could learn to show more respect. My thought being that I'm the one who cares for her, takes her where she wants, get her what she wants, within reason. I'm the one that makes sure her favorite meals get made a couple times a week and I'm her biggest advocate and defender. All of these being reasons that she shouldn't talk to mama how she has been. I mean throw down on the floor tantrums and telling me how I'm so mean to her when the answer actually happens to be no. The bear is essentially the only toy she gives a fig about, so I thought it would make a good learning tool. And would you know it, when I had to reschedule her special movie night the other night, her response was "okay mama, we can do it tomorrow". 
I was literally in shock. I've been so used to her screaming fits that I was bracing myself for it. And she actually surprised me. I made sure she knew how impressed i was by her behavior


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## Slartibartfast

I sure wouldn't worry about the bear. Sure, the bear's important to her. After all a mom's just a mom, but a bear's a bear, especially a talking bear. Heck, I still have the stuffed dog I had before I could walk. (My wife insists he's a rabbit, but I know better.) And I'm close to 70.


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## Adelais

How old are your other children? They will definitely copy each other. Why not just put a basket in the living room to throw the stuffed animals in that they forget to take back to their rooms at night?

I wouldn't worry about your daughter's stuffed animal. Is it small? If it is large, can you give her a small one that she might transfer her attachment to? It will fit in her back pack easier. If her classmates see it, they might tease her a little and that might discourage her from bringing it to school. (But then again, it might be stolen by another child who wishes they brought their stuffed animal to school with them.)

Our children had lots of stuffed animals, and their favorites were Ty Beannie Babies, which are small and floppy. Every one of them had a name. I didn't mind that they brought one or two wherever they went, unless they lost it. That was a pain. After a stuffed animal was left behind in a changing room of a store, my husband and I made a rule that they could bring an animal to the car, but it couldn't leave the car (go into the store or restaurant) because we didn't want them to lose it. We didn't tell them our motive was selfish: We didn't want to have to deal with all the hassle of trying to retrieve it, and then with the weeks of their emotions over having lost it.

One of my older children told me when she was 15 that she was sad that she wasn't playing with her stuffed animals anymore because it used to be really fun, but she didn't feel like doing it anymore. She obviously grew out of it herself, and didn't realize that she gave them up because she had other things she'd rather do. That will happen with your child.

IMO 8 years old isn't too old to love/need the softness, smell and comfort of a cherished furry friend.


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