# Social Media Is an open door to cheating



## matthewm (Apr 8, 2013)

It's so easy for people to cheat now a days sad that they would even think of doing it.

Why do you think men and women cheat?

There was a fact on the web saying that social media has made it so easy for old flames to reconnect and start flirting 

This is a huge reason cheating is happening


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I think social media makes emotional affairs easier.

However, if someone is broken enough to have an affair, then all one needs is a willing affair partner.

THAT is how easy it is. Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin...it's simply another means to an end for someone who is seeking an ego feed.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I think it is ridiculously easy - in the sense that people are ridiculous (affairs have always happened, after all - people use the tools available, and the tools get better, that's all.)

Allow me to share with you something that happened recently - a FB exchange. I commented on a friend's post, including an abbreviation, and was messaged by a friend of his, a woman ....





HI Rags ... WITHOUT SEEMING TO BLONDE WHAT DOES IIRC MEAN ? LOL

...

_[so, I replied]_
Rags:
If I Recall Correctly 

(Although I have also heard If I Really Cared ....)

...



[her]
I WOULD NEVER HAVE GOT THAT IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS LOL ... THANKYOU FOR PUTTING ME OUTTA MY MISERY I WILL BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT NOW LOL WELL THATS WHEN MY HEAD HITS THE PILLOW AT 2AM LOL MY BEDTIME I THINK ITS AN AGE THING LOL ... IF I NEVER HEAR FROM YA AGAIN THANKYOU FOR GETTING BACK TO ME Rags

...


_[I didn't reply to that - didn't seem to be a need]_



[her]
BFFTGBTM !!!!! LOL CAN YOU WORK THAT OUT LOL 

...

[Me]
No, you've got me on that one, I'm afraid!

Most of the acronyms I use are ones that were developed in the early/mid 90's, as that's when I was using systems that were speed limited, and being able to have conversational shortcuts actually mattered.

...


[her]
HI MOST OF THE ACRONYMS I USE ARE MADE UP , FROM AS EARLY AS I CAN REMEMBER LOL .... ALTHOUGH I DO TRY MY BEST TO STAY WITH THE TIMES ... (LOL) MY FAVORITE IF YA HADN'T NOTICED ALREADY ..... LOL ! ............... BFFTGBTM = ( BUT FEEL FREE TO GET BACK TO ME ) .............. THAT STILL STANDS ... HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY 

...
_[I didn't reply to that either]_

[her]
HI HOPE IVE NOT SCARED YOU OFF LOL I DON'T BITE HONEST ... DROP BY MY INBOX ANYTIME AND SAY HELLO THAT WOULD BE NICE ! 

...

[me, being polite]

Not scared off - just busy.

btw, typing in caps is usually equated with shouting ... (just saying )

...

[her]
SOOOOOOOO GLAD I DIDN'T SCARE YOU OFF THIS HAS MADE ME SMILE .... MY FRIENDS ARE USED TO ME SHOUTING IN TYPE ON HERE LOL FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON I WRITE IN CAPITALS TO !!! STRANGE I KNOW LOL ... MAYBE I JUST LIKE TO BE BOLD ... *LOVING YOUR PROFILE PICTURE BY THE WAY VERY HANDSOME CHAPPY IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING *.... BEST CHANGE SUBJECT LOL ... HOPE YOUR WELL APART FROM BUSY PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH ! WOULD BE FAB TO HAVE AN INBOX FRIEND LOL ... HOPE YOU CAN CHILL OVER THE WEEKEND ? ... GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU ... ACTUALLY ITS MORE THAN GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU LOL AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN SOON 

...

[wtf? My profile clearly says 'married' - and while it's nice for people to say such things, not sure it's that appropriate ... I had already shown the earlier messages to my wife, but when this came in, I pointed her at it again. She thought it was a bit much, but wasn't concerned ...]


[her]

HI 

...

[so, wife said no problem - and I'm a polite kind of guy .... me:]

Hi. How's things?

...

[her]
HI .... THINGS ARE GOOD AT MO THANKYOU ... AND HOW ABOUT YOURSELF DID YOU MANAGE TO RELAX ATALL LAST WEEK ? .... .
.
.
... DO YOU FANCY SENDING EACH OTHER A FACT ADAY ABOUT OURSELVES SO WE CAN FIND OUT A LITTLE MORE ABOUT ONE ANOTHER ONLY FACTS YOU FEEL COMFY TELLING OF COURSE ... I WOULD LOVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU A LITTLE BETTER IT COULD BE FUN LOL 
.
.
...... WILL LOOK FOREWARD TO YOUR FACT LOL .... HOPE YOUR WELL AND HOPE YOUR BECOMING BRAVER IN MY COMPANY LOL REALLY GOOD YOU GOT BACK TO ME THANKYOU !!!! 


[Yeah, um - not so much. Still, I am polite, and my wife is aware - time to make sure she's aware I have a wife ... so ... me:]

Still extremely busy - my job means I'm on call - like this week, so my company mobile goes off at odd times.
*My wife *is very understanding about it, usually - but it does wake her up, which is a nuisance.
So, no relaxing really, no. Maybe next week (ha!)

Not sure about being 'brave in your company'!

My favorite colour is black - until I find something darker 

[so, I think that should do it, just in case .. mention the wife...]

[her]
A FEW FACTS IN ONE THERE LOL .... BUT LOVELY TO SEE A FEW SENTANCES ..... NOT SURE THERE IS DARKER THAN JET BLACK LOL IS BLACK EVEN A COLOUR ? LOL EVEN IF NOT ITS THE SHADE US WOMEN LIKE TO WEAR THE MOST TO MAKE US APPEAR SLIMMER LOL SO I QUITE LIKE BLACK TO ...... ON CALL POOR YOU BUT HOPEFULLY YOU WILL GET THAT RELAXATION NEXT WEEK THEN .... *AND MARRIED LOL ... SHOULD I PRETEND I NEVER SAW THAT BIT *LOL ..... HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED LONG ? IVE BEEN TRYING TO GUESS YOUR AGE FROM YOUR PHOTO HERE NOT SURE IF I SHOULD DIVULGE MY GUESS LOL ...... IVE JUST COME OUT OF A 28 YEAR MARRIAGE , SO AM ON NEW GROUND *BEING SINGLE AND NEVER HAVING PLAYED THE FIELD* LOL .... ITS JUST LOVELY MESSAGING WITH YOU AND MAKING HOPEFULLY A NEW FRIEND ..... SO ANOTHER FACT . . .



Guess it wasn't enough ... so, if I'm reading this right, looks like she's happy to ignore the fact that I'm married, and is looking forward to being single and playing the field ....! Now - am I reading too much into this, or this a (barely) deniable invitation?
Which I won't be taking!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Geez, allegedly coming out of a 28 year marriage and acting like a ditzy 12 year old. That's what social media brings out in some people.

FWIW, my fWW acted like a complete teenager too in her EA with her old high school flame. I couldn't believe the crap she was writing because I never saw her write like a teenager before.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

She lol's a lot. After every sentence. And yes...she wants to hook up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Why do you continue to engage this woman if you are not interested? Are you going to give me the usual male battle cry ......"but I couldn't rude." or is it something else?


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> Why do you continue to engage this woman if you are not interested? Are you going to give me the usual male battle cry ......"but I couldn't rude." or is it something else?


Initially I was just being polite - I mean, that first enquiry was fair enough - and some people do like to chat (I don't mind that - although the style of writing was painful.)

Then I thought 'this is odd' - and I wondered, with my wife, where she was going to try to take the conversation. I thought it was interesting, on a socialogical level. How blatant would it get, without any actual encouragement, beyond polite response.

I do try to avoid being rude - but I'm not going to do anything stupid behind my wife's back because of it - she is full appraised at each point!

I might let it go now, and just not respond at all - or I might (once my wife gets back - she at away at a friend's wedding) see what the next response turns out to be. I'm undecided.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> Geez, allegedly coming out of a 28 year marriage and acting like a ditzy 12 year old. That's what social media brings out in some people.
> 
> FWIW, my fWW acted like a complete teenager too in her EA with her old high school flame. I couldn't believe the crap she was writing because I never saw her write like a teenager before.


I'm with you on this..


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

To be fair to her, her surprise when you mentioned being married perhaps means she hadn't perused your fb page that closely previously and thought you were single. 

I think the interesting thing will be how she interacts with you going forward, and whether she continues flirting heavily or just has you as an 'inbox friend', whatever that is.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

matthewm said:


> It's so easy for people to cheat now a days sad that they would even think of doing it.
> 
> Why do you think men and women cheat?
> 
> ...


While this makes sense, I will somewhat disagree.

People are either betrayers or they are not. If it isn't via FB or whatever, it'll be something else. A souse either has love and respect for the marriage and their spouse or they don't. That comes first, then the means to betray.


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

Technology makes everything easier - even people. Very easy people. I see no thrill to cheating. Looks nasty from every angle. The thrill from me is fidelity - what a turn on.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

matthewm said:


> It's so easy for people to cheat now a days sad that they would even think of doing it.
> 
> Why do you think men and women cheat?
> 
> ...



I think social media opens up all kinds of new opportunities. A person who may be vulnerable to cheating still needs the opportunity in order to do it. (This being a different case than the person who makes the decision to go seek an affair). 

In my wife's case she was contacted on FB by her first sex partner from high school. With *one* message he had his hooks back in her. This is a psychological phenomenon according to many therapists, and is quite a common thing. My wife may not have gone out looking for an affair, and if she met some stranger she would have had a long way to go before establishing an emotional connection. But this ass clown had already been wild many times with her and there was a lot of old emotional unfinished business.

We live 2000+ miles from him and I don't think she'd seen him in at least 25 years. It never escalated into a real affair with that facebook contact because I nuked it as soon as I saw it (a couple months after the contact). But it was hell getting her to delete him from her friends list. She was ready to leave the marriage at the time he contacted her, so she was vulnerable. His contact provided her an avenue to explore, and had he been local I am certain it would have been a physical affair within days of first contact.

I don't blame social media but it presented an opportunity my wife never would have had otherwise.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I'll agree social media makes it a lot easier to connect with old flames and the like but sites like Facebook, etc are only tools. Either the tools are used for good or they're used for bad.

In my case my WS had an affair at work with no use of social media required. He does not have a Facebook and while he did sign up for a LinkedIn account at one time (and was open about doing so, it was long before his EA), he never used it to keep in contact with his AP. There was a flurry of texting over a couple of days and three email exchanges but 99% of their contact took place at work/during the work day.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

In the vein of old flames using social media, the guy I dated throughout high school has used Classmates . com and Facebook to make contact with me. He also kept in touch with other girls he's dated via the same sites. I never took the bait and one time years ago he even lashed out at me for not responding to a message he had sent me. He's another case of someone with bad boundaries who used social media to track down everyone he had ever dated. Before then he probably used the phone or whatever else.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I thought bars and clubs were the open door to cheating.

Wait what, wasn't the work place the open door to cheating?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Back in the day when a lonely house wife opened her door to the door to door salesmen...now that was literially opening the door to cheating


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

I think that this is a really interesting subject, as it's clear that social media will help change the landscape with relationships over time.

As has been said, fertile grounds for infidelity were workplaces, social clubs and the milkman, and in some ways things like facebook are just another one of those. The big difference is that facebook or other similar websites are not only like attending a social club that is packed to the rafters with people who may provide temptation, but that club is open 24/7 and can be attended discretely - on the toilet - in bed whilst your partner sleeps and so on.

Thats why they are so damn dangerous to relationships IMO. It's not about it just being yet another mechanism to meet people, its how it is *constant* and requires next-to-no effort.

Post-cheating, Facebook can itself become an awkward thing as I am finding now (for the record, none of my W's infidelity involved social media), as over time you construct this complex network of friends and friends-of-friends, including many cross-over people who are in my W's life. This makes splitting up a bit more challenging. I'm sure years ago where you would just phone people or send a letter and move on was easier


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## Pinkdaisy91 (Apr 16, 2013)

My Husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I can honestly say 80% of our marital problems came from Facebook, Twitter and Social Networking websites. We came to a mutual agreement after I found out my husband was talking with other women that we would delete our accounts and work on a healthy strong, long lasting relationship. Is it selfish for me to think, why should I delete my accounts I wasn't the one straying?


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I think that the thing about social media is that it is a much gentler glidepath into infidelity and removes the "barriers to entry" to use a bit of business jargon. 

If you flirt with someone face to face then that is a pretty bold step - a step that a lot of people will be reluctant (or just too inhibited) to take. With social media and emails, though, you can ease yourself into it very very gently. You can make a few slightly nuanced comments. Because you are behind a screen rather than with the person him/herself it feels a lot less "real". So you can tell yourself that you conscience is clear because you are just being a little bit playful and you aren't really interested in them anyway. A lot easier and more low key than coming on to someone in a bar. Electronic flirting starts from a very low base (so doesn't take much to start), but it can escalate very very quickly.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I think the issue isn't "social media" because before social media, people just got together in person or on the telephone. The real issue is that people in the past had a stronger moral compass and understood concepts like commitment. It meant something to honor your promises. And I think they understood that marriage didn't mean "as long as I'm happy, and oh by the way...YOU have to make me happy." Finally, I think people hooked up in the past and since there was stigma to divorce, they just stayed together. 

Now I'm not saying that people today have no morals, but rather that with society the way it was in the past, they may have said "no" a little more often than we do, that they understood marriage doesn't mean "YOU make ME happy", that marriage involved commitment to another and personal responsibility, and that if someone did hook up there was stigma to breaking up so they tried harder to work it out.

Now there is social media and it is a fairly easy way to say "yes" but the whole idea is to be the kind of person with the moral character and quality to say "NO...and oh by the way, do not try again. I am not that kind of person and never will be."


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