# Is this Harmless or should i be Worried?



## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

Last week I was in my family's home, it was my brothers funeral.
My wife arrived with my best friend. (This was the plan, she would pick him up on the way past his house.)
Later, we were having drinks and chatting. My wife turns to me (in front of my sisters and their husbands) and says "if you get a call from Cathal (shopkeeper) just ignore it".
I asked her what she meant and she told me that while outside a shop, she was leaning over getting change and that it may have looked like something else (giving my friend head). She was joking that the shopkeeper would see this and think something else was happening.
I don't think anything happened but I don't think it's appropriate for my wife and friend to be talking about sucking his **** when they are alone in a car.

Any thoughts?
I was angry and very embarrassed when she said this but I stayed quiet. Like I said earlier, it was my brothers funeral and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Who's Cathal the shopkeeper? And why would he call you? Do you know him?


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

If he was looking at the cameras, it would seem as if something was going on. Yes, I know him.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

DragonBillyLee said:


> If he was looking at the cameras, it would seem as if something was going on. Yes, I know him.


Ask him to look at surveillance recordings.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DragonBillyLee said:


> If he was looking at the cameras, it would seem as if something was going on. Yes, I know him.


ok, makes more sense... to be honest, it sounds very suspicious that your wife would preempt this by mentioning it... on the other hand, if really guilty, why would she mention it just in case Cathal has seen something weird going on and in front of your sisters and their husbands ?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> Ask him to look at surveillance recordings.


he would have the impression that his wife is giving head to her friend...


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> he would have the impression that his wife is giving head to her friend...


I meant for OP to see the video if possible.


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

Forget about the shopkeeper, that was just what she said to start the conversation. My main query, is whether that talk is appropriate. Should I be angry (which I am).


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Forget about the shopkeeper, that was just what she said to start the conversation. My main query, is whether that talk is appropriate. Should I be angry (which I am).


Definitely not appropriate and I would be angry too. Maybe too many drinks?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife seems to have a problem with filtering her thoughts. Why did she think your brother's funeral was a good venue to share this piece of nonsense with you and your siblings?

How did your best friend react to your wife's titillating tale? Did your siblings find it hilarious?


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife seems to have a problem with filtering her thoughts. Why did she think your brother's funeral was a good venue to share this piece of nonsense with you and your siblings?
> 
> How did your best friend react to your wife's titillating tale? Did your siblings find it hilarious?


My friend just laughed. My brother in law looked at me as if to say "what the [email protected]#$".
This moved on quickly but I can't help feel there may be more to this. I wouldn't talk that sexually with someone else's wife. Unless I was testing to see where it would go.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Forget about the shopkeeper, that was just what she said to start the conversation. My main query, is whether that talk is appropriate. Should I be angry (which I am).


I am confused. You are more concerned whether or not the conversation was appropriate (which it isn't and is downright disrespectful to you) then whether your wife did something she shouldn't have and is trying to do damage control?


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> I am confused. You are more concerned whether or not the conversation was appropriate (which it isn't and is downright disrespectful to you) then whether your wife did something she shouldn't have and is trying to do damage contr



Yes, I am concerned about the conversation. I'm also concerned that she may have thoughts of infidelity. I don't actually think anything happened.
I guess my main question is whether I'm right to be angry and suspicious.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Yes, I am concerned about the conversation. I'm also concerned that she may have thoughts of infidelity. I don't actually think anything happened.
> I guess my main question is whether I'm right to be angry and suspicious.


Yes you are. The conversation was inappropriate. Especially in front of friends and family.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does your wife view your best friend as asexual? Does she usually want to be the center of attention?

Look, your friend may not have engaged in any conversation with her. It may have been all your wife. You need to get a better picture of what actually transpired before you go the anger and suspicious route. Ask the shopkeeper if you can view any video and judge for yourself if your friend and wife were hee-hawing it up.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Forget about the shopkeeper, that was just what she said to start the conversation. My main query, is whether that talk is appropriate. Should I be angry (which I am).


No, not appropriate. 

Should you be angry?
I would.

Does your wife have a potty mouth?

Look at the surveillance tape.
She maybe realized later that they were seen.

Or, she has a wild imagination!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DragonBillyLee said:


> My friend just laughed. My brother in law looked at me as if to say "what the [email protected]#$".
> This moved on quickly but I can't help feel there may be more to this. I wouldn't talk that sexually with someone else's wife. Unless I was testing to see where it would go.


The fact that your friend laughed tells me no BJ happened. 

A lot of hot air did escape your wife's lips.

Such a free spirit, she is.


The fact that she said this in front of others makes her that loose cannon.

Yikes!


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> The fact that your friend laughed tells me no BJ happened.
> 
> A lot of hot air did escape your wife's lips.
> 
> ...


Yeah, like I said earlier, I don't think anything happened. It's the fact she would say what she said at my brother's funeral. I can't even grieve properly now.
And why would she say that unless she had thought about the act at some stage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Yeah, like I said earlier, I don't think anything happened. It's the fact she would say what she said at my brother's funeral. I can't even grieve properly now.
> And why would she say that unless she had thought about the act at some stage.


This sort of talk and thoughts are more common than you think.

It has come out of the mouths of men since the beginning of time.

Look at the movies they make today. They show women doing this BJ-ing, all the time.

Your wife is an adult. She said something dumb.

Nothing new here. I would not read, too much, into this incident.

Unless, other Red Flags are noted.

Are other behaviors of hers bothering you?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

What kind of shop is it?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I see you’re in Ireland. I’ve been to plenty of funerals over there and I’ve never heard a conversation like this or anything similar at one. I think you’re wife is either drunk or is hiding something.
You need to have a serious conversation with her about what sort of behavior is appropriate at a funeral and you also need to ask Cathal to have a look at his tapes. 
In fact you should embarrass the **** out of her and ask her to apologize to your family for her behavior.


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> I see you’re in Ireland. I’ve been to plenty of funerals over there and I’ve never heard a conversation like this or anything similar at one. I think you’re wife is either drunk or is hiding something.
> You need to have a serious conversation with her about what sort of behavior is appropriate at a funeral and you also need to ask Cathal to have a look at his tapes.
> In fact you should embarrass the **** out of her and ask her to apologize to your family for her behavior.



Thanks.
Like I said earlier, though, the video is not an issue. She used that to start the conversation.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The reason she mentioned it in front of others is because she knew you would be too uncomfortable to react with "WTF!" Who wants to start and ugly fight at a family funeral right?

Think how fake the "looking for change" scenario sounds. If change was on the floor would she just tell the guy to pick it up? Why would she be down in his crotch reaching for it? And how long was she in that position? Longer than a few seconds and she is for sure playing with him or blowing him. 

Very slim chance she is being honest with you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think her actions at such a somber moment is rather distasteful and i would have mention it too her, but it also say something about her thinking process...sorry but in my head that would be a red flag


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It was extremely inappropriate at minimum. Who says that anywhere — let alone at the funeral of family.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Take a look at the tapes and get it over with. Your non-committal so far to the advice to look at the tapes says something about you : are you afraid to take at look? why

Most likely it's much ado about nothing, but one thing that you need to understand is that a lot of people that are doing something that is not kosher, when confronted with the knowledge that they might have been caught, they just do what your wife did:a sneaky way to preempt and have a justification in the eventually that something comes out. 
Think about it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

DragonBillyLee said:


> I wouldn't talk that sexually with someone else's wife. Unless I was testing to see where it would go.


Yep, you're exactly right. When a man talks sexual to another mans wife, he's wanting to see if he can f her. In your story however, sounds like your wife was the instigator of the sexual innuendo. I don't get the story though. Was your wife blowing the guy in the shop with cameras rolling? I would have expected her to pull over in a parking lot or somewhere a little more private.
Just for the record, if upon viewing the tape, your wife was "was leaning over getting change" for 5 minutes, you may have a problem. 
BTW, can you put our minds at easy by telling us Cathal's place in not a Head Shop.


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

Openminded said:


> It was extremely inappropriate at minimum. Who says that anywhere — let alone at the funeral of family.



I think that's the point. Why say it anywhere, let alone your husband's brother's funeral. I felt that it showed sexual attraction to my friend. We all have feelings like that from time to time but we don't vocalise it!


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

They were parked in broad daylight in a busy car park outside a shop. Hence, I don't think anything happened. But the innuendo possibly showed intent or attraction.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why would she even bring it up? Very strange does she do stuff like this all the time? At the very least she has no respect for anyone, you or herself. 

If you were dating I would tell you that people like that are trifling and a waste of time.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around how someone could confuse leaning over to get change with giving head. Did she lean over lots of times to pick up lots of change and do it in a rhythmic sort of way?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

If I had to guess, she got caught giving your bestie a blowie in the parking lot that day and she told you about it in advance so that she could get her story in place with you before you heard what happened from the shopkeeper. Once you hear her side of things first, you will be susceptible to anchoring bias which will cause your thinking to be heavily influenced by what you heard first.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Dragon my man, your story raises a lot more questions than answers. Why were they stopped in the parking lot and why does she think she was taped give the guy head? You really need to view the tape before its overwritten. Who knows, the change she's talking about may be changing peckers instead of looking for coins. 
I know its going to be tough going into the shop and telling Cathel, " Hey dawg, mind if I look at the security tape the from other day to see if my wife was giving this dude a blow job in the parking lot."


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> Dragon my man, your story raises a lot more questions than answers. Why were they stopped in the parking lot and why does she think she was taped give the guy head? You really need to view the tape before its overwritten. Who knows, the change she's talking about may be changing peckers instead of looking for coins.
> I know its going to be tough going into the shop and telling Cathel, " Hey dawg, mind if I look at the security tape the from other day to see if my wife was giving this dude a blow job in the parking lot."


Could be a simple misunderstanding.....maybe she had a skin flute recital in the parking lot that day?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> Could be a simple misunderstanding.....maybe she had a skin flute recital in the parking lot that day?


Canon in D Major


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Dude, you’ve heard from a lot of folks now, offering you similar advice/guidance. And you’ve had time to process and integrate this guidance with your own thoughts. Time to choose a course of action. So, now what are you going to DO?


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I find this appalling, especially in your time of need. Is your wife always so crass? If so, she needs some behavior modification, IMO. If not, I'd be checking the tapes. 

Just wow.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Forget about the shopkeeper, that was just what she said to start the conversation. My main query, is whether that talk is appropriate. Should I be angry (which I am).


It's not appropriate in the setting she did it and you aren't the only one who would be angry.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

First things first, you are right to be angry, her behaviour violated your boundaries and you have a right to your anger. 
However, the fact that you registered for this site tells you a few things, firstly you don't have anyone you're comfortable talking to about the situation. Secondly, your gut is telling you something is wrong. 

There are a few possibilities here, firstly checking security tapes is insane, it's not the behaviour of rational people. I don't care what others say. A lot in this forum are wounded souls, so I understand their reasoning. But no, just no.

If your wife gave your bestie a bj, it won't be a one off, so just keep an eye on her behaviour going forward. I say this because, if you go all columbo and she finds out, you lose no matter the truth of the situation.

The trust in your relationship will be shattered, and no relationship survives without trust.

Be vigilant and watch for out of the ordinary behaviour, cheating takes it toll and she won't be able to maintain for long.

I truly hope this was just an ill timed joke in poor taste, but clearly something has set your spidey sense tingling.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There is a perfectly reasonable explanation.

She somehow dumped her change in his lap and was so embarrassed that she didn't let him gather the coins himself and, since she just had her nails done, she picked the coins out of his lap with her lips.

He was also nice enough to guide her efforts by holding the back of her head.

Simple enough. Could happen to anybody!😆


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

> If your wife gave your bestie a bj, it won't be a one off,


Especially when she's doing it in public.


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> First things first, you are right to be angry, her behaviour violated your boundaries and you have a right to your anger.
> However, the fact that you registered for this site tells you a few things, firstly you don't have anyone you're comfortable talking to about the situation. Secondly, your gut is telling you something is wrong.
> 
> There are a few possibilities here, firstly checking security tapes is insane, it's not the behaviour of rational people. I don't care what others say. A lot in this forum are wounded souls, so I understand their reasoning. But no, just no.
> ...



Thanks. Probably the most normal response I've gotten. The whole camera thing is nothing.
Like I said before, I don't think she did anything. My issue was the way in which she spoke and then joked about it later.
I have spoken to her about it. She said that she leaned over to get her wallet off the floor, for a second. And then joked with my friend by saying "that looked a bit dodgy".
In my opinion, two people should not speak about sex or even mention it, when together privately. This talk should be exclusive to your partner only.
I think she was stupid and insensitive but I trust she didn't do anything.
We are together since we're 20. That's over 20 years. I've never had reason to mistrust her in the past. However, I fear that some trust could be damaged in our relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Thanks. Probably the most normal response I've gotten. The whole camera thing is nothing.
> Like I said before, I don't think she did anything. My issue was the way in which she spoke and then joked about it later.
> I have spoken to her about it. She said that she leaned over to get her wallet off the floor, for a second. And then joked with my friend by saying "that looked a bit dodgy".
> In my opinion, two people should not speak about sex or even mention it, when together privately. This talk should be exclusive to your partner only.
> ...


It could be lost in the culture too. My Mrs. can joke like that and I don't really care.

There could be somethings lost in the translation between cultures.


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## DragonBillyLee (Apr 2, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> It could be lost in the culture too. My Mrs. can joke like that and I don't really care.
> 
> There could be somethings lost in the translation between cultures.



I'm not a prude, we joke like that in Ireland too. But in my opinion, that talk should not be in private. It can be dodgy, depending on who your wife is with. 
We have a good sense of humour here in Ireland. We have no problem speaking like that when we're together at parties. It's just playful banter in a group.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)




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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

DragonBillyLee said:


> I'm not a prude, we joke like that in Ireland too. But in my opinion, that talk should not be in private. It can be dodgy, depending on who your wife is with.
> We have a good sense of humour here in Ireland. We have no problem speaking like that when we're together at parties. It's just playful banter in a group.


Talk like that shouldn’t be in public either. It’s not playful banter, it’s testing reactions to the idea.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her wallet was on the floor and she keeps her change in her wallet. OK. Yeah, why bother looking at the tape when you can wind yourself up with doubt and suspicion. That's a much better solution. It might be that you won't see anything on the tape. In that case, your wife was just looking for attention and chose your brother's funeral to be a jerk.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DragonBillyLee said:


> I think that's the point. Why say it anywhere, let alone your husband's brother's funeral. I felt that it showed sexual attraction to my friend. We all have feelings like that from time to time but we don't vocalise it!


Well, she sure is comfortable talking like this in front of others. I agree, referencing your friend brings these thoughts too close to her imaginative preference. 

Might she lack social cues?
Could she be a tad on the Spectrum?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Thanks. Probably the most normal response I've gotten. The whole camera thing is nothing.
> Like I said before, I don't think she did anything. My issue was the way in which she spoke and then joked about it later.
> I have spoken to her about it. She said that she leaned over to get her wallet off the floor, for a second. And then joked with my friend by saying "that looked a bit dodgy".
> In my opinion, two people should not speak about sex or even mention it, when together privately. This talk should be exclusive to your partner only.
> ...


I probably would’ve made a similar crass joke in the past (not at a funeral, but the drinking portion of funerals is rarely somber in your wife’s defense) and I certainly would NOT have been thinking in any way about wanting to give the friend a bj to tell it. In fact, I would probably only joke about it with someone with whom a sexual thought is the last thing I would have, that is what makes it funny. It would not occur to me that the friend would now be imaging a bj from me or that my husband would be upset, because I would assume they felt the same asexual relationship I did.

Now would my husband be upset? Hell yes. That is why I said I probably would’ve told a joke like that in the “past”. I am not on the spectrum, and lord help me, but I did not realize that men took every even slightly off-color comment as an invitation. And I thought my husband was insane for perceiving things this way until I started to read here and realized it was pretty universal. Now I know.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His wife has no defense. I'm sure the op's siblings and their spouses will enjoy recounting that little tidbit over Christmas dinner.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DragonBillyLee said:


> I'm not a prude, we joke like that in Ireland too. But in my opinion, that talk should not be in private. It can be dodgy, depending on who your wife is with.
> We have a good sense of humour here in Ireland. We have no problem speaking like that when we're together at parties. It's just playful banter in a group.


Getting closer to the issue here. Maybe I've been a little slow on this one.

The issue is her talking like that with him alone in the car?

I suppose that could be dicey and I can see feeling angry about it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Forget about the shopkeeper, that was just what she said to start the conversation. My main query, is whether that talk is appropriate. Should I be angry (which I am).


This is totally inappropriate. When you get her alone have a good talk about this and how embarrassed you were. She sounds classy your wife does! what is she doing with this other guy also?


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Yeah, like I said earlier, I don't think anything happened. It's the fact she would say what she said at my brother's funeral. I can't even grieve properly now.
> And why would she say that unless she had thought about the act at some stage.


she is either thoughtless of your feeling which is bad enough or she is trying minimize what happened. either way you should be very angry with her.i,m sorry for you and glad she isn't my wife


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Thanks.
> Like I said earlier, though, the video is not an issue. She used that to start the conversation.


so your giving her a pass on the video.wow.good luck with that to me the two are really one


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DragonBillyLee said:


> Forget about the shopkeeper, that was just what she said to start the conversation. My main query, is whether that talk is appropriate. Should I be angry (which I am).


Dead thread


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Zombie. Closed.


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