# Stealing?



## shootmenow (Feb 18, 2013)

Hello all,

I have a suspicion that my wife has been stealing. In specific, once stealing cash from my parents and another time stealing cash and prescription drugs from a co-worker. 

This was brought to my attention at first by my parents. We were staying over for a short weekend trip and my mother noticed that a large sum of money was missing from her coat. My family wasn't quick to point fingers; while arguing amongst themselves, they backtracked to determine anything that could have caused the money to go missing (misplaced, used somewhere else, etc.) but eventually deduced that somebody had to have taken it. As nobody else was in the house for the entirety of the weekend, reason stated that it could only have been my lady that stole. It wasn't until a few days later that certain members of my family confronted me and "nicely" pointed the finger. They also mentioned not to talk about it to my wife as it would only hurt our relationship and also the fact that there was no smoking gun.

About a month later at a get together, my co-worker found out that she had cash and prescription drugs stolen from her purse, from a room that my wife was spending a lot of time in. Everybody at the event knew and trusted each other, and nobody would steal. My wife was the only x-factor here. Again, no smoking gun and my co-worker decided that not saying anything would be the best thing to do.

There are a few things here that might only be coincidence, but is strong circumstantial evidence:

- She works very little and makes only enough money to barely pay her personal bills
- She doesn't ask me for money directly because I am the sole breadwinner and already subsidize her financial obligations
- She is nosy and doesn't respect my personal privacy
- She often comes home with expensive items she claims she found on the street
- She (in jest) had expressed interest in selling her own prescription drugs that she doesn't use

This has been in the back of my mind for the longest time and I'm not sure what to do here. We've been having tons of problems in the last year (I have and still am considering ending divorce) and everybody else I've talked to doesn't know how they would approach this. It's even got to the point where my wife is suspicious of the fact that my described co-worker will no longer talk to her during events where we're all in the same room. That gets really awkward, and I have to lie when my wife asks me if I've been talking about her behind her back because my co-worker was acting funny.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

- She is nosy and doesn't respect my personal privacy
What personal privacy do you have that you can't tell your wife? Aren't you both supposed to be a team and not 2 separate players keeping score?

- She often comes home with expensive items she claims she found on the street
Bull, and I know you didn't fall for that line did you? If you did, I got some great opportunities for you.

BTW, when it comes to stealing unless you have concrete evidence don't jump the gun. Your wife has ALOT of red flags but until you have something definite don't point the finger yet.

BTW, have you tried to look for receipts in her car, trash cans, rooms you don't use? If you know where the item came from, check with the store and see if they recognize your wife. If it's an expensive item, people usually remember who bought it.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Alot of circumstantial evidence here; criminal cases have been built on less. But CH is right, you don't have enough to confront, just enough to be very wary when and if you file for divorce (i.e., secure your valuables).

Speaking of divorce, how do you feel about sharing what else is going on in your marriage?


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## shootmenow (Feb 18, 2013)

@CH:

We certainly act as a single unit, especially as we have a child together. It's not that I can't tell her anything and everything (I also have nothing to hide), but there are some individual boundaries that she will break, and I'm not comfortable with that. To better describe what "disrespecting my privacy" means, an example would be she would take my cell phone and use it to take photos of our daughter. She would then ask me to unlock it so that she could forward those photos to her own phone, which she does, but I'd often catch her browsing through all of my SMS messages and personal and work emails. I have even caught her red-handed taking multiple individual snapshots of text correspondence between my boss and that seemed suspicious to her. In reality, that text correspondence was strictly work related. She would then text those snapshot images to herself and attempt to delete the paper trail. When I confronted her about it, she played dumb and said it was accidental. If I let her use my computer, she will scan the entire filesystem looking for things I have that are "hidden."

I am definitely not playing the stupid card and I know that "finding things in the parking lot" is horse doodoo. I called her bluff once a long time ago and the argument that ensued was terrible. She only uses cash so there isn't a paper trail I can follow. She also seems to have a plausible answer to why the items she "finds" always look brand-new, like she found them in the shopping cart - somebody must have bought it and left it there.

@GTDad:

Thanks for the advice, I have heard the same from others. Our relationship is definitely rocky, and has been for a while. We've gone as far as counseling, but that was short lived. We have the same major problems that lots of others have - trust issues, communication issues, insecurity issues, to name a few. It has gotten to the point where she will often claim I need to be honest with her and confess that I don't really love her. I've been pressured with this for so long that I'm starting to believe it.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

shootmenow said:


> - She often comes home with expensive items she claims she found on the street


Yes, this makes sense and her word and honesty should be accepted without question.

Sometimes when I need new clothes, jewelry or other expensive household items I simply walk down the street and pick up what I need without having to spend a dime.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I was watching a TED talk on deception and lying, and it said that lying is a collaborative effort. It takes at least two people to create a lie. I would be very careful, if you are caught with stolen prescription drugs or stolen goods in your home, then your property could be seized. So this is a bigger issue than just avoiding confrontation with your wife.

I've found $20 once and a $100 bill once both times I literally had no cash and needed some. But it was legit. I also believe in God, but I don't think God is looking out for your wife and giving her all these things. She seems to be of the opinion that God will help those who help themselves, but as they say, God help her, lol.

Seriously, stolen items and Rx in your house, you're liable for the consequences. The Rx stuff is pretty bad, the cops can come down hard on you. You might be proven innocent (i.e. no knowledge of it) but now that you've posted here, who knows.

All things considered, I would consult an attorney and call it money well spent. Cover your own a**. Give her fair warning, you have talked to an attorney and your suspicions are documented and you are in no way interested in being a partner in crime. You signed up for a marriage, not to be a cover.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's continuing her behaviour because nobody's calling her on it. Stop enabling her.

C


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## shootmenow (Feb 18, 2013)

I know that without solid proof, there's nothing I can really do and I should just be aware and careful from now on. However, I have no idea how to handle the fallout between her and people she's already affected, who no longer trust or respect her. I know how my wife is, and she will continue to aggressively poke at me and ask why she gets snubbed by these people when she "hasn't done anything." Continually saying I don't know isn't going to work.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

shootmenow said:


> I know that without solid proof, there's nothing I can really do and I should just be aware and careful from now on. However, I have no idea how to handle the fallout between her and people she's already affected, who no longer trust or respect her. I know how my wife is, and she will continue to aggressively poke at me and ask why she gets snubbed by these people when she "hasn't done anything." Continually saying I don't know isn't going to work.


You can tell her that people don't want to be around her because they believe that she's stealing from them and they have good reason to think that.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

totamm said:


> You can tell her that people don't want to be around her because they believe that she's stealing from them and they have good reason to think that.


This is, after all, the truth. And a different situation than you raising the subject of whether she's a thief.


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