# When to give up...pls help!!!



## vswilliams (Sep 7, 2007)

My husband and I are now separated for 3 weeks. Im back in Canada and he is in the states.
I'm trying so hard to get our marriage back on track but he seems to need more space. He says he gave up everything for me and is now trying to find himself. I moved to another Country for him. I am still coping with the loss of my brother, moved my 7 year old daughter away from the only family she knew, for my new family. I didn't know anyone there and wasn't able to work yet.(no papers filed) Wrong doing on my part.
Anyways my husband did alot for me and yes he took very good care of us.
We were never with out.
But there was something missing in my life and I wasn't ever happy.
Kids were in school, he was at work, and I did wifely things.(cleaning,cooking,ironing etc) But I still wanted something for me.
Y couldn't I be happy with what I had?
 I didn't want to leave him I love him. He now doesn't even want to talk to me.
We've had problems from his child to mine, he is strict and I was easy going, he says I never accepted his other kids he had in a previous marriage. How can I even get to know them when he wasn't even allowed to see them. He hasn't seen them in over 7 years!!! NOT my fault. I don't have anything to do with y he doesn't try to call or make efforts go to see them. All his ex wanted is $ from him. And everything was under her terms. We've only been married for 10 months. And we've been together for nearly 2 years.
 I still love him and want to work things out every time I call he says he needs time and that he is not the same person anymore thanks to me. He gives me hope and then turns around and says he's done. I don't get it. He won't even go see a marriage councillor with me. I offered to go back to work it out and he doesn't even want that. How can I show him I care and want this and will do what ever it takes if I can't even go back home???
I was negative person and always depended on him, thats only becos I never really knew how to be supportive and strong. I am asian, our parents still want us to depend on them and most asians I know still live at home een when they are married. He should understand that I am the way that I am because of how I grew up.
I know I know I need to GROW UP!
But we are married how can he just give up. Throw us away?
How much time do I give him???
enough time for him to forget us and move on?
He jsut gives me mixed signals.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

My heart goes out to you.

People have remarried each other, after having divorced each other and learning a few lessons. It feels like your husband needs to learn a few lessons and that your still being attached to him is giving him someone to blame,instead of his thinking about his responsibility in the situation.

As difficult as this is, I feel you would be protecting yourself by filing for divorce as soon as possible. If he manages to grow up a bit, he might come back to you, but in the mean time you have the opportunity to build a worthwhile life for yourself and attract worthwhile people into it.


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## Xxaire (Sep 15, 2007)

It troubles me that he's not willing to take the time to hear or understand where you are coming from. 

What bothers me even more is that you didn't have anything for you. Do you play an instrument? Volunteer? Work? Perhaps that is why you were feeling unhappy, that and the fact that the two of you weren't REALLY communicating.

Be patient, don't keep calling; it will be worse (and you'll seem even less supportive and strong) if you call and seem too desperate and needy. Go see a counselor on your own; I don't believe that a speedy divorce filing will help you, you've only been married 10 months! 

If you aren't ready to throw in the towel, take some time to work on you. Then write, or visit and explain that you want to 'take care of some business'. Perhaps that may open the door to a constructive conversation that is free of emotional turmoil. You will be clearer, more level-headed and you can state your position (whether you'd like to date him again, etc) and take it slow. By then, you'll be able to handle it better if the two of you decide you really are done; you'll be a stronger person at that point.

It sounds like he's not listening and that he is hurt that you left. Try to understand that because he's hurt, he's showing anger towards you.


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## justme880 (Sep 18, 2007)

I'm so sorry you're having to go through the agony of separation. I've experienced something similar, so I can totally relate. I think at this point, you need to give him SPACE. He may or may not come back... but it's worth a shot. I've seen friends who have gone through breakups and are now married to their ex's with kids. Some with third parties even. I'm what you call the "eternal optimist". I believe there's always hope.

I don't think you should file for a divorce... it's too premature. If he wants to file for a divorce, let him gather the necessary documents and pay for the attorney's/paralegal fees, filing fees, etc. If you guys are meant to be, he will come back.

In the meantime, keep yourself busy. For example, take a class, learn how to play an instrument, spend time with your daughter and other family members, go out to lunch/dinner with a friend, and so forth. Find the time to reflect on the relationship and get to know yourself more. The last thing you want to do is to continue beating yourself up over this. We're all humans capable of making mistakes. Nobody is perfect! The bottom line is you make mistakes and you learn from them. And, please for your own self-preservation, do not call/email him because you will only drive him away more. Space is definitely what he needs. Give him time to assess the relationship, find himself, and let him miss you.

Good luck!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Just a brief I was married once and divorsed but now am in a relationship that has been going great for ten years with nine of those being married. Here is what I see from your post.

1) You and he come from different upbringings, both need to settle in the middle for it to work. IMHO it seems like he does want to meet in the middle.

2) You need to think of what is best for your daughter, you then the marriage. It seems by reading the post you want more then to just play wife. I see nothing wrong with that. My wife is starting at 30 to go for her dr. degree. It works because I ajusted to her schedule forthe overall welfare of the family short ternm and long term. 

3) Communication~this is the most important aspect of a relationship. I hear (I am on many forums) people with relationship problems all the time. One key factor is that they don't or never communicate.

My advice~File for the divorse. You normally have plenty of time to think things out. So will he. If you are to get back together have a list of things you want to see different. It maybe he never knew. Tell him how you fell and see if you get the chance if you can actually be happy.

It also sounds to me like he has problems communicating. If you stay together find out what is going on with him.

I wish you the best of luck. I know that the divorse from my first wife was hard to swallow but there are great people out there and if your hubby is the one and things get better great. If not I hope you find your match.

draconis


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## barrett82 (Jun 11, 2013)

*Re: Re: When to give up...pls help!!!*



Xxaire said:


> It troubles me that he's not willing to take the time to hear or understand where you are coming from.
> 
> What bothers me even more is that you didn't have anything for you. Do you play an instrument? Volunteer? Work? Perhaps that is why you were feeling unhappy, that and the fact that the two of you weren't REALLY communicating.
> 
> ...


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