# Deleted



## Notsohappycamper (Nov 5, 2021)

Thread deleted


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

No, you man up and do the right thing. You let her go and start the process of healing... preferably without relying on women as human bandaids.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You should have divorced your cheating wife years ago. If your wife or someone else finds out about YOUR cheating you will be looked on as the person who destroyed your marriage. 
Just separate and start divorce proceedings.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Ewww! Don't go to prostitutes, please!

Get a divorce, get a girlfriend and start a new life.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

....


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Notsohappycamper said:


> We’ve been married for 24 years - I’ve always thought that we’ve had a great marriage. We literally never fight, we are (were) happy hanging out together, have 3 beautiful kids, we’re active and in shape, are financially stable, sex life has been ok - pretty good all round.
> 
> A few years ago, my wife took up running quite seriously. I fully supported this and was always encouraging her at her races and during training. Running and her new running friends, became her main focus. As time went by, I noticed that she seemed more and more distant. She became less interested in my life and our intimacy was fading rapidly and became a forced (from her side) monthly occurrence. When I asked her what was up, she said that she’s realized that her feelings for me had changed. I was devastated when I heard that - asking how and why this had happened - what had I done? She said it wasn’t anything I had done, she had just changed. She wasn’t willing to find the cause of her change of heart, work on the issues, and try to resolve the situation - which I couldn't understand.
> 
> ...


Odds are that it has been physical for some time, probably somewhere around when she first started become distant.
The marriage ended when she said she had no interest in trying to fix it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Your wife has been having sex with her running buddy for 2 years now and you are now a cheater. Your marriage is over and it is time to do the right thing and put a formal end to it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You have both cheated/are cheating so why not just end this farce of a marriage. 
Going to prostitutes may well have greatly narrowed down the number of women who would be interested in you as a future partner if you are honest with them, and I hope you will be.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Just have her served cold.
Have your exit strategy planned and use it.
Once you are done, the "Running Buddy" will probably become a thing of the past.
It's not any fun when there isn't any sneaking.
"Running Buddy" will probably want some fresh meat.
Your best path (and revenge) is for you to find your best life, live it, and leave her in the proverbial dust.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Just divorce her and put the both of you out of your misery. She's a cheating ass and what you are doing is no better. Time to stick a fork in it.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Your M is over. Yes, what you did was wrong. You should have D'ed her and that's it. 
Please file now and don't look back. I don't think there's anything to save here. 

If she's still around, she's just sex in the "other" deal. If that was going to be permanent, she'd be gone already. The "other" deal will drop her once she tries to get serious about things. She's great dating material but not M material. 

It's time to get out, file the D, look toward the future and please stop the self destructive behavior. The further you go into a tawdry life, the greater the damage done and recovery will be far more difficult. 

Good Luck.


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## Notsohappycamper (Nov 5, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> Your wife found a source of emotional intimacy.
> You found sources of physical intimacy.
> 
> Seems you both aren't able to meet each others intimacy needs.
> ...


Thanks for your reply.

The financial implications aren’t really an issue, and it’s definitely not impacting on family finances.
I’ve only just started visiting these ladies, so it’s only been a few times (a few times too many - I know). 

The ultimatum was to end contact with the other person or move out. Neither has happened. 
I don’t want her to go, so I haven’t enforced it. I guess it’s not much of an ultimatum.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

So, the marriage is over. I'm speaking from experience here. I am currently going through divorce proceedings and the build-up was something similar to what you are describing--wife became distant, turns out she was talking to an old ex, wouldn't stop, I wasn't ready for it to end (and was probably jealous, pride was hurt) and tried to fight, but to no avail. You aren't going to win her back. The thing I learned, from both experience and therapy, is that my wife had already gone through the process of mourning the relationship ending and moved on. Your wife, I suspect, has done the same. In the past two years, she has mourned the ending of your marriage and has moved on with her life. You are on a different timeline because you have not come to grips with the marriage ending, but it is over. She has moved on, you are cheating and not getting what you want out of the relationship. The simple reality is that it is over. You have to come to grips with that. So you can sit around and wait for the child you mentioned to move out and go off to college and then your wife will move out and file or you can start to move on with your life. You are gaining nothing and putting yourself through hell by just standing pat. The situation is not going to change and, in fact, things may get worse. You need to just file and start to pick up the pieces and move on.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Notsohappycamper said:


> The ultimatum was to end contact with the other person or move out. Neither has happened.
> I don’t want her to go, so I haven’t enforced it. I guess it’s not much of an ultimatum.


Is her affair partner married or in a long term relationship? If so, this may be why she won't be the one to file for divorce, since you are plan B. But, rest assured that once he is available, she will be gone. So why wait?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There is no recovery from this.

First, your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because she doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend.

Second, you shouldn't have stooped to her level and cheated yourself before divorcing her.

You need to file immediately.

Your new habit is very unhealthy, and could be hard to break if a great new long term prospect shows up post divorce. Stop doing that before it becomes more ingrained.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Let her go sir. You deserve better from her as well as yourself. She has checked out. Stop the escorts and all related stuff. Get into IC, work to make yourself the best you can be! Hit the gym, eat health, light on the booze, and become a lean mean dating machine. Trust me, there are women out there looking for a good man.

I wish you well sir. Move forward and do not look back.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Using sex workers is gross. Not going to sugar coat it. You should stop and get into counseling.

Most likely scenario is that your wife has an exit plan that she will execute upon the graduation of your last child from high school. Probably in September of that year, or whatever month college starts. Possibly earlier so child can have time to work through it between high school graduation and the start of college. Once that happens, your wife will have already moved assets and made all sorts of preparations to take everything she can from the marriage and from you.

You have tried talking to your wife and finding a way to work through the issues, but she is unwilling to do that. It doesn't matter what you want when you have no control. You do, however, have control over your response to what is happening right now. If you want a fair divorce, you'll have to prepare and plan for it immediately. Do not wait until she drops the bomb. Chances are that she hasn't fully implemented her plan yet. You will need to head her off and catch her unawares, so that she doesn't have a chance to make a bunch of shady moves.

1. Never visit a sex worker of any kind again. I could write a book on why not, but you're an adult, you should know why not.
2. Get copies of all legal and financial documents, preferably originals.
3. Get a mail box at a mailing center of some kind, not the post office. You need a street address with a suite number.
4. Get a safety deposit box or a small storage unit to store all of your documents and any other personal items that you want to retain, but might become an issue. I've seen people lose heirloom furniture that was passed down to them. Don't let that happen to you.
5. I recommend that you order new official copies of all documents that you might need. Have them mailed to your new address.
6. Get a new bank account.
7. Visit a couple of attorneys and find one that is right for you, then get all the divorce documents ready.
8. Do not wait until you last child graduates. Preferably file for divorce and have her served during the summer, so your kid won't be blindsided and will be able to do well senior year.
9. Last, but not least, find out how to deal with you 401K or other similar types of accounts. Do this before filing for divorce.

In the meantime, keep close tabs on all financial transactions and try not to look suspicious. You don’t want to tip her off and cause her to implement her plan early. Because – you know she has a plan and it is not in your best interests.

Edited for clarity.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Don’t have much to add besides what’s been said. But there’s no way your wife’s affair isn’t a physical one. That’s why she lost any interest in intimacy with you. She was getting her physical needs met by her running buddy.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Did your wife at any point ask for a divorce? When she mentioned she had ‘just changed’, did she ever tell you the marriage was over and did you then make her stay?

Or did she not want a divorce, and she maybe wanted you to be the one to end the marriage? It’s a pretty big thing to tell your spouse to find someone else and be happier. Hearing that would have been it for me and I wouldn’t have wanted to work on the marriage anymore. 

So what’s the reason a divorce didn’t happen back then and you stayed together after her affair?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You should have kicked her to the curb when you found out about her affair. Not too late to salvage your self respect and your happiness. Go find the partner you deserve but get rid of your cheating wife first.


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Notsohappycamper said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> The financial implications aren’t really an issue, and it’s definitely not impacting on family finances.
> I’ve only just started visiting these ladies, so it’s only been a few times (a few times too many - I know).
> ...


You will go back to revisit those whores again, that is you dirty cheater do. I suspect you made a story of your wife to justify yourself


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You say you accept the marriage is over, so why not end the marriage and move on with your life.......after all your wife has. And don't think for a minute that her affair hasn't been sexual all along. That's just plain silly to think otherwise. 

Just call it a wrap and carry on with your life. 

As far as the massage chick, assuming she is a consenting adult, I have no moral objections to that arrangement. You're paying a fee for a service and she is being paid a fee for providing that service. As long as you are both consenting in agreement, I have no qualms with that. 

My thing however is that what you actually want or do you want to be with someone that actually wants to be with you and has an actual desire and affection for you? If you want an actual relationship, then you are wasting your time, energy and money with both the hooker and your wife. Use that time, energy and money in dissolving your marriage and dating legitimate chicks.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Notsohappycamper said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> The financial implications aren’t really an issue, and it’s definitely not impacting on family finances.
> I’ve only just started visiting these ladies, so it’s only been a few times (a few times too many - I know).
> ...


You need to ask yourself why nothing has happened. Because I really can't think of any good reasons for delay. Your "wife" will never become the blend of lifetime marriage partner and erotic partner you desire. Nor will the prostitutes fill any sort of LTR void.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

dadstartingover said:


> No, you man up and do the right thing. You let her go and start the process of healing... preferably without relying on women as human bandaids.


This. And not because I have a problem with sex workers or those who patronize sex workers, but because this isn't helping you to move forward.

My exH cheated a few times before I figured, hell with it! Game on. Why should I go without my mental, emotional, and physical needs being met to keep to an agreement that was already broken? What that did was definitely act as a band aid. Without that band aid I would have left sooner. What the affairs I had and the prostitutes you visit do is simulate needs being met the way junk food simulates nutrition. Your need isn't for sex. It's to be desired, to have intimacy, and you can't get that with a sex worker. All you can get from a sex worker is a simulation of desire and intimacy due to the nature of the relationship. You pay her and she pretends to be into you. What you need to do is stop visiting sex workers, get a lawyer, file, and be free to find someone who is actually into you, who wants your body, heart, and mind without a cash exchange, but because she is just into you. As long as you're seeing hookers your need will never build to the point where you are inspired to take action, you will remain stuck in limbo, and fall further down the rabbit hole.

And, frankly, you aren't getting any younger. You still have time to meet and build memories with someone to carry into your senior years together. Don't waste that time on a sham marriage and hookers.

Your marriage is dead and the corpse is stinking. It's time to suck it up, man up, and just file already.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> As far as the massage chick, assuming she is a consenting adult, I have no moral objections to that arrangement. You're paying a fee for a service and she is being paid a fee for providing that service. As long as you are both consenting in agreement, I have no qualms with that.
> 
> My thing however is that what you actually want or do you want to be with someone that actually wants to be with you and has an actual desire and affection for you? If you want an actual relationship, then you are wasting your time, energy and money with both the hooker and your wife. Use that time, energy and money in dissolving your marriage and dating legitimate chicks.


I agree with both statements. Well stated.



dadstartingover said:


> No,* you man up and do the right thing*. You let her go and start the process of healing... *preferably without relying on women as human bandaids.*


Here's your answer above brother..... You seek approval from women. Not your fault really. You've been conditioned into these false beliefs.

You have done everything wrong with the wife. You should have dumped her. Rule No. One - put yourself first. Wife lost attraction for you. Common theme. Don't sweat it.

As for the sex workers - no big deal. It gives guys a sure thing on the guy's terms. Evens the playing field you might say. Women live a good chunk of their lives being able to get it on their terms. A woman can pretty much walk into a bar and find some guy to do the deed if she is so inclined. Perhaps not the dude she wants but it's not difficult. You try it. Look at the dating apps. If a woman wants to she can line up a bunch of random dudes pretty easily. And some do. Don't waste your time on that sh+t. 

I've got the man for you. Youtube videos -- An Ear For Men. You'll get a new perspective that cannot be provided in these short posts. Good Luck. And please give it a try.


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## Notsohappycamper (Nov 5, 2021)

Thank you for your replies and for taking the time to share your views.
I know what needs to happen next…

Best,
Notsohappycamper


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