# One-Sided Emotional Affair



## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

My husband admitted to cheating on me with prostitutes, he came clean a little over a month ago. He also admitted that he'd been hiding the extent of a friendship with a female co-worker (I knew they were friends, but I didn't realize they were going out as often as they were). He insisted that it was purely platonic and that nothing was going on.

He's been very cooperative, transparent, shows remorse, etc about all of this, but he had been resistant to accepting that this friendship with the co-worker constituted an emotional affair. We finally had a breakthrough over the weekend, and he now freely admits that what he did was wrong not only because it hurt me, but because he was meeting his needs outside of our marriage, without even giving me a chance to meet those needs myself, and obviously he was lying about it. He still says he has only platonic feelings towards her, but that he needed time that wasn't kid focused (we have 4 kids under age 8), he wanted to do fun, new things that were adult-centered. He did tell her that he'd cheated on me (he didn't say anything more than that, though, because I didn't want him 'encouraging' the EA by discussing our problems), and that he needed to stop socializing with her. She's moving 3 hours away next month, so I don't feel the need to have him quit his job or anything.

Anyway. So I talked to this woman today to confirm his story and get her version of things. I've been suspecting that this affair was one-sided.. that is, while she was certainly good friends with him, that she didn't view him in any other way, and that she was completely open to her fiance about their friendship. We had a great talk, and she confirmed everything I'd known about, and what I'd been thinking. She also told me of a few other things he'd neglected to tell me - she asked him to do a reading at her upcoming wedding, another time they'd gone out with a group of friends, etc. She was completely furious and hurt by the whole situation. She feels used and betrayed, like he dragged her into something dirty and wrong, when she only had innocent intentions. She wants to tell him how angry she is, but she wants to wait until her last day at work (because she doesn't want to make her work environment any more awkward than it already is, and because she doesn't want to feel like she has to hold back to 'preserve' the work environment). I should also say that she only works two days a week. I'm okay with that.

I'm wondering if there is any need or value in my husband sending her a no-contact letter. I guess it would more be a letter of apology than anything else, since he's already told her their relationship needs to be strictly professional, and since she'd furious with him and unwilling to have any social relationship with him, either.

What do you guys think? I haven't read much about one-sided emotional affairs.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The thought just occurred to me that essentially your hubby had a full blown blown affair- but split it in 2. His PA with the prostitutes and the EA with the coworker who didn't reciprocate. No surprise he's been less willing to give up the EA
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

How are you so sure it was one sided? Personally I wouldn't have expected her to answer any other way, I'd have been shocked if she said, "why yes I'm having an affair with your husband." I have a hard time imagining a one sided emotional affair.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DeenaBoBeena said:


> What do you guys think? I haven't read much about one-sided emotional affairs.


I think your husband has nearly non-existent boundaries and you are still trying to rationalize it by making it more complicated than it really is.

He was with prostitutes? Have you both been checked for STDs?


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> The thought just occurred to me that essentially your hubby had a full blown blown affair- but split it in 2. His PA with the prostitutes and the EA with the coworker who didn't reciprocate. No surprise he's been less willing to give up the EA
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup.


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> How are you so sure it was one sided? Personally I wouldn't have expected her to answer any other way, I'd have been shocked if she said, "why yes I'm having an affair with your husband." I have a hard time imagining a one sided emotional affair.


Her husband came with them on several occasions. I have seen FB pictures that confirm it (I saw them prior to finding out what was going on). I don't see why a one-sided affair is hard to believe.



TimeHeals said:


> I think your husband has nearly non-existent boundaries and you are still trying to rationalize it by making it more complicated than it really is.
> 
> He was with prostitutes? Have you both been checked for STDs?


Yes, we've been tested for STDs. We'll be checked again at 3 months and 6 months, and won't have unprotected sex until after getting the results from the 6 month check.

You're right that he has nearly non-existent boundaries. I don't see how I'm trying to rationalize it by accepting the facts of what he's done.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Never trust the OW. Have him write the NC letter.

My H almost got sucked into an EA with a crazy woman. She was the kind who wants to literally become the current wife, like thats possible. She'd constantly ask him how I do EVERYTHING. He thought she was just being nice until I listed the ways she was bat**** crazy. I wrote her an email and she did a fairly decent job at making herself seem innocent. Upon closer inspection, the emails revealed little jabs at me and a lot of gushing about my H. I requested that my H avoid her at all costs and he did so successfully. Any doubts he had about her intentions were squashed when she unconvincingly decided to play the damsel in distress one day. He basically told her to deal with her problems. In my situation we avoided the letter because I believe he had no bond with her and she'd realize she was nothing when he didn't want her around any longer. I even told her that I was okay with their friendship so she'd feel that he was ignoring her because she was insignificant. I can play her game.

Anyhow, you were likely fed a line of crap. They like to play innocent to further their game. Your H betrayed you so he needs to make it clear that he loves you and their relationship was a mistake. He needs to establish NC in a way that you can verify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

DeenaBoBeena said:


> Her husband came with them on several occasions. I have seen FB pictures that confirm it (I saw them prior to finding out what was going on). I don't see why a one-sided affair is hard to believe.


My wife and I had a perfectly normal and happy marriage all the way through my EA. To EVERYONE it was completely unnoticeable, to this day the only people that know are the very few we have told. Just because she maintained her relationship with her fiance doesn't mean she wasn't involved to. Personally I'd bet she was involved and doesn't even realize that her behavior was inappropriate because she hasn't had to face it. 

I'm not saying it isn't possible it was one side, it's just much less likely than the alternative.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DeenaBoBeena said:


> Yes, we've been tested for STDs. We'll be checked again at 3 months and 6 months, and won't have unprotected sex until after getting the results from the 6 month check..


Excellent.



DeenaBoBeena said:


> You're right that he has nearly non-existent boundaries. I don't see how I'm trying to rationalize it by accepting the facts of what he's done.


You seem eager to accept this one-sided emotional affair idea. I'm not so sure.

More importantly... he admits to sleeping with prostitutes and trying to having a "close" relationship with female co-workers.

Serious pattern of behavior if you ask me.

How did you catch him?


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Serious pattern of behavior if you ask me.
> 
> How did you catch him?


I'm aware that there's a serious pattern here. We're in MC and he's in IC, and we're supplementing that with various books and whatnot.

He was denying me access to our bank statements. I finally got access and noticed charges from trendy restaurants, and also some charges from hotels. I also got his credit report and knew that he had gotten a CC that I didn't know about. That was all the info I had when I confronted him, though I bluffed and said I knew everything. He confessed to pretty much everything, aside from a few minor details that have come out since. After admitting to the prostitutes, he showed me the website he used to hire them, which tracks who he met up with. He also provided me with screen captures of his timeclock punches, as well as his co-workers (plural here, since occasionally they were accompanied by other people). There were long absences of his from work, when she was still at work.


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