# wife has lost physical attraction of me but not others



## visionman (Jul 2, 2010)

Hello,
I am 36 today and my wife of 9yrs (+8yrs) admits to losing her attraction / desire for me, however can get the emotional arousal from other men. Not to sound conceded, but by no definition am I unattractive. She feels a sensation from new attention (men) that she no longer gets from being around me. This is not the first time that this has been mentioned in our relationship, however we both thought it would pass… It just got worse! Other than this major issue, our marriage has been great (in both opinions). We have two wonderful kids, a nice home and flexible working hours. We don’t argue often (1 / year maybe). However, one thing in both our opinions that could be a problem is that since we’ve been together (17yrs-ish) we’ve worked and lived together. (So 24/7 to put it short). She is looking for another job right now, however now I'm fearful that the time it will take for recovery back to me will leave her vulnerable to extramarital sexual / emotional feelings towards someone else. Need some advice please!!


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Give me your e-mail address and I'll shoot you a series of e-books I've been passing around to people who seem to be in similar situations. It's all about breaking down why women lose attraction and ways to set an environment that brings it back. There's a 99% chance that it's NOT your looks, since she found you attractive in the beginning and like you said, you're not an ugly guy.

You've likely lost the "edge" that you had when you two first got together. You also probably unknowingly started doing things that were unseductive or made her not want you as much sexually. Techniques and philosophies in this e-book will help you understand some of these things that kill the sexy vibe and teach you how to create sexual tension again. If you're interested just let me know and I'll send it over!


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## Elvis (Sep 17, 2010)

*Wife has lost emotional connection with me.*

Hi Guys
I situation is similar to yours Vision Man. It all started last october. our marriage has been fine although I thought it was. I scaled my business down to work from home, my wife worked along side me for 24 years. We decided to give it go to rebuild the business, I did for 4 years but my wife lost interest. I would be working all hours to sustain an income where my wife generally had a few accounts, sorted the kids and played on facebook the rest of the night while I worked in the garage.
She had to visit a client for new work and that's how it all began.
My fault really. I told her to dress smart as he was promising a lot of business. One thing led to another and being totally honest with each other she told me he was smitten with her, I should have nipped it in the bud, but I trusted her. 6 months later regular texted and hiding her phone, going in the garden to make phone calls etc. 
I understand this is mainly an emotional affair and sexual, not saying they haven't done at all. There is something missing that I could not give her. Approaching the subject as a man would I tried to fix things, some worked some didn't.
Here's the things that did.
One weekend she went away with her friends, I left love hearts and chocolate in the car for her with a note, texted her(which I don't do) soppy and sexy things.
When she got back monday we both both went wild with lust for 4 days everthing seemed to be ok and then my emotions
got the better of me and I approached her about this guy.
She wouldn't tell me any details, this has gone on for 2 months and is killing me. Although I can do things, like dress smarter, be in tune with her emotions while keeping my distance and generally helping round this house and kids, she responds well to it by cuddling and sex and holding hands, but her body language is off especially after a text session from him.
She told me shes loves me but not in love with me.
Then after 2 months she texted me saying that I been all the things she needed when she needed them most and that she doess love me.
I am so confused, not sure how this I can keep this up and just have a mental flip out.

BLUE MOON If you don't mind emailing me the link or those ebooks, I would be most greatful
Thanks - This is all a bit rushed and details missed but you get the picture.


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## Elvis (Sep 17, 2010)

BLUE MOON If you don't mind emailing me the link or those ebooks, I would be most greatful
Thanks - This is all a bit rushed and details missed but you get the picture.
ELVIS
(Wife has lost emotional connection with me)


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## visionman (Jul 2, 2010)

Hi, Just wanted to give an update to my situation. My wife and I are still stuck with this problem, however are both trying to figure it out. We have started counselling in the hopes to understand where, what and when things took the wrong path. We are talking more openly about things, but since the whole thing came out I've been a total mess. I can't sleep, I drink more, smoke more and always think she's hiding things from me... so I snoop / spy. I do believe that the e-books have helped me and I feel better about our chances (Thanks Again!) I just have trouble dealing with the fact that this wont be fixed with one answer and not overnight. I hope things workout for you.


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## txkat (Oct 25, 2010)

Blue Moon said:


> Give me your e-mail address and I'll shoot you a series of e-books I've been passing around to people who seem to be in similar situations.


Would you mind emailing me the books, too?


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## visionman (Jul 2, 2010)

txkat, Post your email address.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I wouldn't mind getting the e-books also. I know its for a wife, but could work on a husband too!

Thanks in advance. 

I have a few e-books if anyone is interested also. E-mail me in PM and I'll give you the titles and will e-mail them if you want any of them.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I see this is an older post, but here is my opinion on your scenario anyway.



visionman said:


> Hello,
> I am 36 today and my wife of 9yrs (+8yrs) admits to losing her attraction / desire for me, however can get the emotional arousal from other men. Not to sound conceded, but by no definition am I unattractive. She feels a sensation from new attention (men) that she no longer gets from being around me. This is not the first time that this has been mentioned in our relationship, however we both thought it would pass… It just got worse!


What do you mean "this has been mentioned"?

By you? By her? What was said?




> Other than this major issue, our marriage has been great (in both opinions). We have two wonderful kids, a nice home and flexible working hours.


Yes, you sound like a "nice guy" allright. 

Nice enough to perhaps be boring your woman to death?



> We don’t argue often (1 / year maybe).


This is the problem.

HOw come there is nothing to argue about?

Are you this perfectly compatible? I doubt it, no one is!

You need to find something to argue about.

Pick a hobby that you enjoy, perhaps the hobby that you used to do before you married your woman, the one that you gave up to spare arguments with her.

Sexual attraction, it starts with a spark.

This spark, is the friction between a man and woman.

A man that is too "nice guy", guess what, no friction, no spark.

Stop being this guy!

Start being the good man you used to be, the one with plans, dreams, goals (and hobbies and opinions).

When your woman challenges you on these things, stand up for yourself. 

When you do this, this is the spark that lights sexual attraction.




> However, one thing in both our opinions that could be a problem is that since we’ve been together (17yrs-ish) we’ve worked and lived together. (So 24/7 to put it short). She is looking for another job right now, however now I'm fearful that the time it will take for recovery back to me will leave her vulnerable to extramarital sexual / emotional feelings towards someone else. Need some advice please!!


These new men, do not let your woman find the interesting man that lights her fire from some new men. 

Become this interesting, fire lighting man yourself!

I wish you well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think your wife is just reacting badly to a natural phenomenon. "old romance" just feels different from "new romance". Nothing is quite as exciting as the butterflies one gets when a relationship first forms, but, then again, nothing is quite as comforting and rich as a relationship which has grown over time. The former is not necessarily better but it does feel different. I fear some people just aren't prepared for love to gradually change and when it does, they assume it means their love is dying. 
Frisky new couples might swing from the chandeliers or burn the sheets up, but there's no way their relationships are deeper or more loving than that of my 93 year old grandparents who can now communicate without even speaking and who know in any circumstance what the other will think, want, feel, or say. They have grown so close, they've almost stopped being two separate individuals. 
Naturally, after 9 years, you aren't going to be as exciting to your wife. You're no longer a challenge. Part of excitement involves the possibility of failure. Hangliding is more exciting than walking but it's also more likely to kill you. A ride in an F16 is more exciting than a ride on a donkey cart, but donkey carts don't turn into lethal fireballs. 
She's currently unemployed, which means her whole vision of herself has been thrown out of whack. If you'd lost a long-term job, you'd probably be going through some weirdness, too. You might find that a new job would put a little distance between you and give her a chance to compare notes with other wives. Odds are, she'll figure out that her toast is well-buttered where she's at. There are an awful lot of toads out there. If she's been spending all her time with you, she has no comparrison reference. She probably assumes everyone has a partner equal to or better than she has. Once she gets a load of the freaks and geeks out there, she might develop a new-found appreciation for you. 
I'm not God's gift to women, but when my wife's co-workers talk about their husbands, I start looking pretty damned good. I bet you will, too.


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## visionman (Jul 2, 2010)

thanks for the posts and I will say that I agree with the whole too nice character. We have talked about this after I read the ebooks that have been mentioned in this thread. It nailed my character and I am in the process of some self correction. Thanks again to all replies!!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Answer is simple for your question- wife lost interests in bed with you. My answer. Acquire new skills in bed, be playful and unpredictable. Always give your wife good oral sex, and make her really wet and horny before reaching her orgasms at least 2 times per sound. Her attention would come back to you but you will need to give her a big boost! When sex becomes an old routine, everybody losts interests. Not only wives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## visionman (Jul 2, 2010)

I agree with the routine problem. We have been more open with this being an issue, its just that right know she doesn't have the desire to pursue having sex but on the occasion that it does happen she is into it and I always give her an O first. But we still need to get out of the routine though!
Thx!


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## quirky_girl (Aug 5, 2010)

i am in the same situation! i hope for the best for you two...it is a difficult situation

is it possible to be the "nice girl" wife how some guys are the "nice guy" husband? because i definitely match that description.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

@ quirky Yes, it is possible if it means that you fear doing something new, standing up for yourself and your needs and making his life your top priority (instead of your life or both of yours at the same time). There needs to be another person there to be attracted to, not a sidekick that doesn't have any hobbies, wants, needs or personality. Hope what i'm saying makes sense.


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

I am a WW who has lost attraction to my BH. I agree that being "too nice" can be a problem. On D-Day, he didn't even raise his voice once after I told him (no passion). 
I am currently evaluating our situation and it is tough when the emotions and attraction are not there for me. I would love to get them back and spare my family the heartbreak of divorce. 

Any suggestions for a WW (or any WS for that matter)? Being physically intimate isn't happening for us, so suggestions for the bedroom won't do any good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ecclectic1 (Nov 15, 2010)

Thanks for viewing this and replying...similar situation here but engaged. Recently, she has pulled way back and said that she needs time and space. When we spoke she said that she had been thinking a lot about "us" and said that there is something missing. I'm looking for the ebook links that Blue Moon has been willing to share. I'm pretty sure that I've placed myself last in the relationship and as such lost "attractiveness" on the emotinal side. Have to get my game back...and not give it away. And by the way, how does one get to post e-mail? I'm new here and registered because I was looking for this typ of advise.

Thanks.


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## Ecclectic1 (Nov 15, 2010)

Blue Moon said:


> Give me your e-mail address and I'll shoot you a series of e-books I've been passing around to people who seem to be in similar situations. It's all about breaking down why women lose attraction and ways to set an environment that brings it back. There's a 99% chance that it's NOT your looks, since she found you attractive in the beginning and like you said, you're not an ugly guy.
> 
> You've likely lost the "edge" that you had when you two first got together. You also probably unknowingly started doing things that were unseductive or made her not want you as much sexually. Techniques and philosophies in this e-book will help you understand some of these things that kill the sexy vibe and teach you how to create sexual tension again. If you're interested just let me know and I'll send it over!


I'd like the eBook link...similar situation here.


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## visionman (Jul 2, 2010)

Well, I haven't been here in a while but finally after hanging in there for months, I think my wife and I are at least understanding things better and more clearly. She stumbled across a Video about our situation, and bought this book (Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship). She told me about this book (Which told me that she also wanted to understand / see if things can improve!) As I started reading it we decided to get another copy, so we could read independently and together. This book is WAY different than the typical "do this don't do that" garbage. This helps understand things and why they take place. PLEASE... If you need to understand yourself /spouse better, this is THE BOOK! Good luck everybody!


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## steve smithe (Apr 26, 2011)

Blue moon, This post may be too old but I would be greateful if you could pass on those ebooks too.


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## Happy Days (Jun 9, 2011)

Blue Moon said:


> Give me your e-mail address and I'll shoot you a series of e-books I've been passing around to people who seem to be in similar situations. It's all about breaking down why women lose attraction and ways to set an environment that brings it back. There's a 99% chance that it's NOT your looks, since she found you attractive in the beginning and like you said, you're not an ugly guy.
> 
> You've likely lost the "edge" that you had when you two first got together. You also probably unknowingly started doing things that were unseductive or made her not want you as much sexually. Techniques and philosophies in this e-book will help you understand some of these things that kill the sexy vibe and teach you how to create sexual tension again. If you're interested just let me know and I'll send it over!


@Blue moon, I know it's an old thread but could you be so kind to send me those ebooks, please? Thank you in advance!


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## Turnip (Jun 17, 2011)

@Blue Moon or @Visionman - I'm a bit late to this thread too but I would like to get my grubby hands on the eBooks please. If anyone has this information please pass it along.

Thanks!!!


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## chiggy (Dec 7, 2011)

Hi, I know I am also probably a bit late to this thread but could Blue Moon or Visionman or anyone who has these ebooks email me the links, many thanks in advance!

Chiggy.


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## The Shadow (Dec 20, 2011)

Me Too!A little late, but please emailme the e-books. Thank You!


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## cyclysm748 (Feb 1, 2013)

Could anyone on this thread please email me the link to the books? This is exactly what I'm going through right now.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would like to read these books as well.

Perhaps they should be part of the list of books that are regularly recommended....... since many people don't understand how their WS could go after someone physically less attractive.......

I'm sure these books will make it clear to us.

My fiance's EA, while 21 years younger than I, was 50 pounds overweight (her reckoning as I saw the remark on one of her social media profiles, not mine) 

but from the messages between them, bolshoi all the way, and the photos of her online -- always an in your face look into the camera, (there were a couple in which I could see a pretty face, to be fair) I suppose my fiancé likes them feisty........ I won't be forgetting that.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Zombie thread!

Here's a link anyways, 
Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship: David Schnarch

Crucible Therapy - Welcome | CrucibleTherapy


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