# Do you keep in touch with your ex?



## Chaotic

So my marriage was a disaster; if anyone's curious you can search my profile and see my first couple posts here from years ago. My ex and I separated in late 2015 and the divorce was finalized in early 2017. We managed to handle the divorce amicably, though that may have been in part because the ex was on a lot of mood-altering meds at the time.

In late 2017 I met the man I am now with. We are a good match and are very happy together. He is also divorced and we have shared a lot of stories of our marriages but don't really dwell on them.

A year ago my ex emailed me to tell me he'd recently been diagnosed as bipolar. He apologized in a roundabout way for a lot of what happened during our marriage and I apologized as well for my part in things and told him I was proud of him for dealing with his problems.

Since then, my ex texts me once a month or so--just simple, chatty stuff about his family or work (we work in the same field). They are innocuous conversations and I get the impression he is lonely. He never was good as sustaining friendships. I make a point of mentioning my boyfriend in a positive way in every conversation, just to head off any reconciliation thoughts he might have. My boyfriend is aware of these texts and doesn't seem bothered; he keeps in touch with his ex because he still sees his ex-stepchild. I guess the question is, is this a slippery slope? When is it a good idea to keep in touch with an ex, and when is it not? I am asking this now because I just received a birthday card from the ex, and it weirded me out a little. It was a funny, innocent card, but he hasn't done that before and I feel weird about it.


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## bobert

I'm assuming you don't have children together, so I don't see the need to keep in touch. Especially as frequently as you are, which will just keep getting more and more frequent. If he's lonely, well, that's his problem to solve and you're not the solution.


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## Livvie

Hard no on keeping in touch like this, because you don't have children, and there is no need to.


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## TXTrini

I would have to say a big fuuuuuuuck no.

Then again, we did not part amicably, so I most definitely did not want to be friends. He tried, I kept it all business as we also had no kids. 

Do what feels right to you but maintain clear boundaries. Some people are comfortable with contact, some are not. I've taken heavy criticism (not here) for cutting exes out of my life and moving on.


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## joannacroc

Only for co-parenting.


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## Married but Happy

I don't keep in touch with my ex-wife, as she is one of my least favorite people. We may exchange an email every other year, like when her mother or my father died (we liked each other's parents).

On the other hand, I do keep in touch with a handful of ex-lovers/gfs, but those are a minority, and are actually very good friends but no longer with benefits.


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## SpinyNorman

I do, I don't see what the big deal is. 

Members of this site tend to be infidelity-phobic. The world is full of women, and exactly one I know I don't like being married to.

If you don't like being in touch w/ the ex, don't. If you do, you don't need the permission of anyone here.


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## TXTrini

SpinyNorman said:


> I do, I don't see what the big deal is.
> 
> Members of this site tend to be infidelity-phobic. The world is full of women, and exactly one I know I don't like being married to.
> 
> If you don't like being in touch w/ the ex, don't. If you do, you don't need the permission of anyone here.


It _is_ Talk About Marriage, and unless you signed up for an open marriage, you bet your ass we're mostly infidelity-phobic.


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## Chaotic

I'm not worried about this leading to infidelity. There's zero chance of that. I guess I'm more concerned that he might be leaning on me for human connection, given his mental health and lack of friends, and that it might not be healthy. I guess it comes down to strictly maintaining boundaries. 👍


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## NextTimeAround

You could explain the situation to your husband. He gets final say and if it is yes, he gets to set up the guardrails.

In your case, though, I would worry that your ex may become needy. I've been in enough situations to know that someone can suck you in and then accuse you of leading him on. As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.


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## pastasauce79

I don't have an ex husband but I have ex boyfriends. I'm friends with them through Facebook and I have chatted with them maybe once a year or two. We mostly interact through posts.

I believe you can have friends of the opposite sex if you of youare sure of your relationship and respect boundaries. 

Why are you asking if it's ok to be friends with your ex? Do you feel guilty? Are you worried about what people think? Is it bothering your boyfriend? 

Relationships are complex, one mold doesn't fit all. Do whatever feels right.


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## Luckylucky

It’s a worry if you feel sorry for him... only because I the situation might escalate further and you may catch the feels.

I’ve heard of a few EAs that started like this and the person said they felt bad/wanted to help in the beginning... then later they simply couldn’t stop because they cared so much for the person and felt they would be abandoning them. You know how that circus goes, and what happens when the current partner wants it to stop, the person thinks they’re doing nothing wrong but too spineless to cut contact because they genuinely honestly feel they’re a good person

Do you have some weakness there that you feel might take you down a road you won’t be able to come back from?

You have no kids, great, he’s getting help! You’re not his doctor, therapist whatever, he’s going to be just fine all on his own.


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## jorgegene

i don't keep in touch with any of my ex's (gfs). it's not that i think it's wrong or i don't trust myself, but i know my wife. i know she would be disturbed and uncomfortable.
so i don't dare. when i got married, i left all that behind me. there are the memories i keep in my head, but that's it. why risk good relations in your marriage over old flames?
not worth it. thankfully none of my ex's try to contact me in several years. 

on the other hand, i know there are people who can be friendly with their ex's and they would never cross the line and their current spouses are ok with it.
that's the key. if you are doing it without your spouses knowledge, not good.

everybody's situation is different, but tread very carefully.


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## Diana7

Neither of us have seen or had any contact with our ex spouses for most of our 16 year marriage. Children all way into adulthood so no need. If it makes you uncomfortable then dont do it, there is a reason why our exes are our exes.


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## SpinyNorman

TXTrini said:


> It _is_ Talk About Marriage, and unless you signed up for an open marriage, you bet your ass we're mostly infidelity-phobic.


Phobia is a pathology, it isn't just not being in favor of something.


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## DownByTheRiver

Chaotic said:


> I'm not worried about this leading to infidelity. There's zero chance of that. I guess I'm more concerned that he might be leaning on me for human connection, given his mental health and lack of friends, and that it might not be healthy. I guess it comes down to strictly maintaining boundaries. 👍


I think it does come down to strictly maintaining boundaries. He may be lonely but he also might be hoping for reconciliation. I think he's good he told you about being diagnosed. I'm not sure what his motive was but he apologized so that's nice. 

So I think it's going to be up to you to maintain the boundaries here. I think you need to be honest with him and let him know that you're fine with keeping in touch occasionally but that it's getting to be a little too frequent and you don't want to give your man any reason to become worried. Just tell him. I think that would be the nicest way. You should probably also ask him not to send anything. It's going to be up to you to maintain the boundaries since he's single I guess.


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## hamadryad

IMO, it really isn't all about infidelity....or the prospect of it....It's more about being considerate of your current SO, if you happen to have one...As a guy, I can tell you that women will say it's ok, but they really don't mean it...They want to give the appearance that they are understanding and not envious, but in reality they absolutely don't want you to do it...If it was legal, they would probably eradicate every other ex from their bf's lives... 😄

I don't care how enlightened someone thinks they are....its gonna bug the other person and make them feel insecure...its just human nature...

'Eh,,,,I dunno...The question is why? With so much potential bad feelings it just isn't worth it...I already more friends than I want or have time for.., I don't need any more...

My advise to the OP is knock the guys dyck in and move on with your new life...He;ll survive..


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## SpinyNorman

hamadryad said:


> I don't care how enlightened someone thinks they are....its gonna bug the other person and make them feel insecure...its just human nature...


Why do people feel so threatened by people who are different from them? I understand some people are different from me, and it's really ok.


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## hamadryad

SpinyNorman said:


> Why do people feel so threatened by people who are different from them? I understand some people are different from me, and it's really ok.


I have no idea how this pertains to the topic of the thread..

But sure...Some guys are cool with a couple of guys running train on their wives...They may even watch or film it...But most people just arent wired that way... Women, IMO/ME, don't want strange women hovering around their men, and they absolutely don't want a woman that was once screwing him...

With all of the potential headaches involved with relationships,my only point is even if the other person "seems" ok with it, why create that dynamic? For what purpose? I mean, its not like a family member or even someone that you may have parented a child with, most exes can be put in the rearview mirror...Its not like you have to have bad feeling, just don't allow that situation to be present when its completely unnecessary, IMO..


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## TJW

Chaotic said:


> My boyfriend is aware of these texts and doesn't seem bothered;


I'm here to tell you that I don't "seem" bothered, either. But, on the inside, I am totally hurt and rejected by it.



Chaotic said:


> I guess the question is, is this a slippery slope? When is it a good idea to keep in touch with an ex, and when is it not?


Yes, and one that slides very fast. And, it is insidious, because the "slipping" is on the inside of your BF, not being seen nor felt by you. But, there is a sudden stop at the bottom of the slope, from which you will not walk back up the trail.



Chaotic said:


> When is it a good idea to keep in touch with an ex, and when is it not?


Never, except for co-parenting, and then only on a "need to communicate" basis., and always.



hamadryad said:


> even if the other person "seems" ok with it, why create that dynamic?


That's a very good point. From my perspective, I do not believe your BF is "ok" with it. and, it's a dynamic which may be unrecoverable.


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## SpinyNorman

hamadryad said:


> I have no idea how this pertains to the topic of the thread..


Simple, people have different opinions about exes, there is lots of generalizing ITT.



> With all of the potential headaches involved with relationships,my only point is even if the other person "seems" ok with it, why create that dynamic? For what purpose? I mean, its not like a family member or even someone that you may have parented a child with, most exes can be put in the rearview mirror...Its not like you have to have bad feeling, just don't allow that situation to be present when its completely unnecessary, IMO..


Because I don't view past relationships as a rap sheet. It's normal and healthy to have romantic relationships and inevitable some won't work out. It doesn't make either of us evil or toxic. Of course some exes are, avoid those. As for the rest, villifying them is pointing one finger while 3 fingers point at me. As for necessity, all social relationships, including marriage, are unnecessary.

My marriage occasionally presents a complication but "all of the potential headaches" really doesn't resonate. Maybe jealousy is the difference.


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## SpinyNorman

Chaotic said:


> My boyfriend is aware of these texts and doesn't seem bothered; he keeps in touch with his ex because he still sees his ex-stepchild.





TJW said:


> I'm here to tell you that I don't "seem" bothered, either. But, on the inside, I am totally hurt and rejected by it.


Yikes. Jealousy isn't very familiar to me, it sounds like quite the cancer.


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## Trident

It's all about boundaries. He's in your past. Life life through the windshield not the rear-view mirror.

He can make his own friends and get his own girlfriend and talk about his problems with them. 

I'd never stay in touch with an ex if I was in a committed relationship and I wouldn't be comfortable if my significant other did.


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## SpinyNorman

Trident said:


> It's all about boundaries. He's in your past. Life life through the windshield not the rear-view mirror.


The days when I need Mommy to dress me are in my past, I should never speak to her again. Unless there is a different relationship we would both enjoy, then maybe we could just shift gears and get mutual benefit from it.


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## Trident

TJW said:


> I'm here to tell you that I don't "seem" bothered, either. But, on the inside, I am totally hurt and rejected by it.


This. There's no way he's not bothered by it just like the Op senses there's something wrong with it, that's why she started the thread in the first place.


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## Chaotic

DownByTheRiver said:


> So I think it's going to be up to you to maintain the boundaries here. I think you need to be honest with him and let him know that you're fine with keeping in touch occasionally but that it's getting to be a little too frequent and you don't want to give your man any reason to become worried. Just tell him. I think that would be the nicest way. You should probably also ask him not to send anything. It's going to be up to you to maintain the boundaries since he's single I guess.


This is very applicable and appreciated advice, thank you.


TJW said:


> I'm here to tell you that I don't "seem" bothered, either. But, on the inside, I am totally hurt and rejected by it.
> 
> From my perspective, I do not believe your BF is "ok" with it. and, it's a dynamic which may be unrecoverable.


I'm sorry that this is your experience, but I think you're projecting a bit. My boyfriend is in touch with his ex a lot more than I'm in touch with mine (due to his ex stepchild) and I understand that and have no issues with it. It's also something we discuss now and then and keep the lines of communication open on.


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## DownByTheRiver

Maybe you should introduce them to each other!


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## Trident

Chaotic said:


> My boyfriend is in touch with his ex a lot more than I'm in touch with mine (due to his ex stepchild)


Completely different situation. Childcare matters versus being a therapist to an ex. It's rather telling that you don't see this.


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## Chaotic

DownByTheRiver said:


> Maybe you should introduce them to each other!


Now there's an idea 😂


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## Imagirl

I think it's better to just not go there out of respect for your current partner. It's way too easy to hide behind a phone screen nowadays, cheating takes very little effort. Doubts and suspicions could easily arise, why risk it? I communicate with my ex-h because we have kids, if not for them there would be zero contact for 2 reasons - I was done with him and my current guy matters much more to me than anyone from my past ever has.


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## Trident

Did you share with your boyfriend that you got a birthday card from your exhusband?


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## SpinyNorman

Imagirl said:


> I think it's better to just not go there out of respect for your current partner. It's way too easy to hide behind a phone screen nowadays, cheating takes very little effort. Doubts and suspicions could easily arise, why risk it? I communicate with my ex-h because we have kids, if not for them there would be zero contact for 2 reasons - I was done with him and *my current guy matters much more to me than anyone from my past ever has.*


But since TS has said her current is aware and doesn't mind, it's not an either/or.


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## Chaotic

Trident said:


> Did you share with your boyfriend that you got a birthday card from your exhusband?


God, yes, I showed it to him and we talked about how weird it was.
There's no secrecy here. My question was just whether it's a dumb idea to let an ex with problems weasel his way into my texts. After reading all these answers, I think the key is strict boundaries with the ex, keeping him distant, and maintaining openness with my current bf, which we already have.


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## TJW

I think you've got it....


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## Benbutton

To answer your question op.... not on your life.


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## hamadryad

SpinyNorman said:


> *But since TS has said her current is aware and doesn't mind, it's not an either/or.
> *




It's probably a good bet that she really doesn't know what he feels...The fact that she started a thread on the topic on an internet forum, tells me she is likely conflicted about it...He may say he doesn't mind, but it may be bothering the shyt out of him...He may be just allowing it to not create an argument or problem, so I really don't put all that much into that....Most people don't want to admit that they feel threatened or jealous.. they want to look like it doesn't affect them..

That being said, let me say this....and in no way am I referring to anyone in the thread, just something I have noticed over the years...

Some people(mostly men) are virtually invisible to the opposite sex in terms of sexual attraction/desirability...I say mostly men because just about all women can find some guy that wants to park his penis in them..Not so for a fair percentage of guys...Anyway, most of these guys(iif they are in a marriage or relationship) are like blind squirrels that found the one nut to marry them...to almost the entirety of the female population they are not seen as anything more than a person..

So....for these people. there is rarely a problem....They aren't seen in that light...They are just humans that are free to interact with the opposite sex without any sexual tension or any potential of temptation...It will likely never happen.. ..

Point is perhaps those that don't understand, or dismiss this concept(where it is an issue) are of that mindset because they don't ever experience any connection to the opposite sex...And their mates/partners know this so it's never a threat or potential problem...


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## TXTrini

hamadryad said:


> I say mostly men because just about all women can find some guy that wants to park his penis in them..


OMG!!🙈😱🤣 
Dead!


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## SpinyNorman

hamadryad said:


> It's probably a good bet that she really doesn't know what he feels...The fact that she started a thread on the topic on an internet forum, tells me she is likely conflicted about it...He may say he doesn't mind, but it may be bothering the shyt out of him...He may be just allowing it to not create an argument or problem, so I really don't put all that much into that....Most people don't want to admit that they feel threatened or jealous.. they want to look like it doesn't affect them..
> 
> That being said, let me say this....and in no way am I referring to anyone in the thread, just something I have noticed over the years...
> 
> Some people(mostly men) are virtually invisible to the opposite sex in terms of sexual attraction/desirability...I say mostly men because just about all women can find some guy that wants to park his penis in them..Not so for a fair percentage of guys...Anyway, most of these guys(iif they are in a marriage or relationship) are like blind squirrels that found the one nut to marry them...to almost the entirety of the female population they are not seen as anything more than a person..
> 
> So....for these people. there is rarely a problem....They aren't seen in that light...They are just humans that are free to interact with the opposite sex without any sexual tension or any potential of temptation...It will likely never happen.. ..
> 
> Point is perhaps those that don't understand, or dismiss this concept(where it is an issue) are of that mindset because they don't ever experience any connection to the opposite sex...And their mates/partners know this so it's never a threat or potential problem...


Can't say that sounds like anyone I've known.


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## AVR1962

It might be that he is lonely, he might have some guilt, or he might be trying to feel you out for reconciliation. If the feelings for your ex are gone and you have moved on I would find a way to stop the connection.


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## Gomezaddams51

I haven't talked to her since the divorce. I communicate through the kids, if I have to communicate with her, which I try not to.


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## Gomezaddams51

TXTrini said:


> OMG!!🙈😱🤣
> Dead!


LOL Hamadryad is right. Women have it made when it comes to relationships and finding relationships. Any woman can find a man unless she is a total Quasimodo and super Fugly. Guys on the other hand, unless they are rich, good looking and drive the latest car will rarely find an attractive woman. It is called _Hypergamy. _A woman will always "trade up" where a man cannot. A "5" woman will always be on the lookout for the "6 through 10" man. Unfortunately the "9" and "10" men might lower themselves to have a sexual fling with a "5" or "6" woman they will not marry them or have an long tern relationship with them. The best a "5" man can do is hope he can find a "5" woman or lower.and hope she isn't stupid enough to think she can land a high number man.


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## TXTrini

Gomezaddams51 said:


> LOL Hamadryad is right. Women have it made when it comes to relationships and finding relationships. Any woman can find a man unless she is a total Quasimodo and super Fugly. Guys on the other hand, unless they are rich, good looking and drive the latest car will rarely find an attractive woman. It is called _Hypergamy. _A woman will always "trade up" where a man cannot. A "5" woman will always be on the lookout for the "6 through 10" man. Unfortunately the "9" and "10" men might lower themselves to have a sexual fling with a "5" or "6" woman they will not marry them or have an long tern relationship with them. The best a "5" man can do is hope he can find a "5" woman or lower.and hope she isn't stupid enough to think she can land a high number man.


It depends on what those women value. Many "high number" men aren't men I'd personally consider (assuming they were interested). I'm sure I'm not alone in not wanting to mess around with a man-ho who's been around the block. It would get old having to constantly get STD checks, knowing such men were "dipping their sticks" indiscriminately.


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## jlg07

SpinyNorman said:


> The days when I need Mommy to dress me are in my past, I should never speak to her again. Unless there is a different relationship we would both enjoy, then maybe we could just shift gears and get mutual benefit from it.


Except for the fact that presumably you love your Mother, so yes you SHOULD speak to her again. In this case, there isn't any reason for it. She feels bad for him, that's fine, but SHE isn't the solution to the ex's loneliness. I see no "benefit" for her to still be talking to the ex -- especially since all it does is make her pity him.


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## sirdano

Chaotic said:


> I'm not worried about this leading to infidelity. There's zero chance of that. I guess I'm more concerned that he might be leaning on me for human connection, given his mental health and lack of friends, and that it might not be healthy. I guess it comes down to strictly maintaining boundaries. 👍


Remember you can't be superman all the time. What could happen here is becoming the emotional support for him and he may get the wrong idea. Yes it might cause him to think self harming thought but if that is the case it is time to call the police. I would break it gently stating good luck with your journey and leave at that


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## KrisAmiss

My bf and I both have friendly relations with our exes. We both maintain contact pretty frequently. We both have grown kids and they were long marriages. I saw this as being mature enough to appreciate the person we married and stay friends with the fellow parent of our kids. There are issues that fall out of the scope of your question so I'll leave that there but I don't know why this is so rare. Someone said it's nice I do that "for the children" but it's not just for them. I liked the guy quite a bit and I still do. He actually sent me a card when I moved to a new place which surprised me, but I'm quite sure it was him being sweet with no dreams of anything more. Since your ex has a hard time with friendships, sure he may be lonely. But how many people do we connect with enough that we want to marry? You had something at one time and I can understand him feeling comfortable with you. You might feel weird about it cuz it seems to be the norm to hate your ex and be done. I don't think it has to be the case. (Note: I haven't seen my ex in over two months or probably heard his voice; we text mostly.)


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## GC1234

Yeah, I don't have contact with any of my exes. For what? One ex, I have seen every few years as he works in the neighborhood, so we have bumped into each other. After I had my first kid, he made gross & inappropriate comments, something to the effect of "I would still date you, etc". He's married mind you. I was like "dude, I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole". I think he was offended lol.


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## misschris85

I too had a fairly amicable divorce and still talk to my ex. We do not have children (unless you want to count a dog that we raised together and I took after the divorce) and we actually sometimes still hang out (strictly as friends, there is absolutely nothing physical going on between us). However, I am still currently single and as far as I know, so is he. 

For me, I have made it clear that we are only going to be friends and to the best of my knowledge, he understands that as well. 

Yes, some people find it strange that he and I still talk (maybe once or twice a week) and hang out (once a month or longer stretches of time) but for me although we didn't work out as a couple, that doesn't mean we can't be friends. With the pandemic, our hanging out consists of mostly watching movies or tv shows, listening to music, eating and playing video games.

I will admit the situation may be different once either of us starts dating. Dating however, is a topic my ex has explicitly said is off limits. He doesn't want to hear about anything related to me dating. If I ever date again, I will be open and of course tell the person that I'm dating that I still talk and see my ex. If it is something he is not comfortable with, then I will stop. 

As someone said, I think it's about boundaries and making sure that your ex knows that you are just friends. My ex also has/had a lot of issues (health and other things) and I continue to wish that he gets his life in order and that he finds happiness and peace with himself. I don't think it's wrong to have your ex want to be friends and want some support. I would like to clarify however, that I am not talking about being his sole support system where you help him out financially, emotionally and mentally. That was why we divorced because I ended up having to be that person for my ex and it was taking it's toll on me in a very negative way emotionally and mentally. I have better boundaries for him now. I do not support him financially (as he should make strides to support himself where he wasn't trying to help out when we were together) and although I am there for him somewhat emotionally and mentally, it is not the same as when we were married. I am there for him to talk to and to provide some gentle guidance and advice (where needed) and support but ultimately any decisions he makes affects his life (rather than both our lives). 

Also sounds like good advice to make sure that your current boyfriend continues to be made aware about the situation.


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## damo7

I don't believe in close opposite sex friendships and wouldn't date anyone that does. If my partner or I was to go hang out one on one with an 'opposite sex friend' then that is a date by definition. Calling it 'just friends' is BS and a slippery slope. I don't find many things to be more unattractive than this - it's the top of my list.

Imagine you meet a guy and he's 'just friends' with his ex whom he was once deeply in love with. Lol. Would you like it? Is it worth it? 

I know there are people that disagree - well it's good we are all different. I've found a great woman that agrees with me - you do you.

I recommend reading 'Not Just Friends' by Dr Shirley Glass


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## samyeagar

There is a difference between being friendly and being friends.

Where the slippery slope comes in is because of the shared intimate history, it is very easy to dedicate way more emotional real estate than one is aware of.


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