# Just Starting the Separation Process



## harry_crumb (Jun 26, 2014)

3 weeks ago my wife told me she wanted a separation. She said this was the only way to save our marriage. My initial response was that this was stepping stone to divorce. How are we supposed to work on our issues if we are apart? Well, I broke down like a baby, cried, & told her she didn't have to do this. But, she insists this is the only way to save our marriage & if I didn't want to separate, she'd just go file for divorce. This was 2 days before I had to leave on a 2wk international business trip. Then, when I got home, she took the kids on a camping trip with mom & told me I couldn't go anymore b/c I needed to use the time to find a new place to live. While I was away, I read John Gottman's 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. It was eye opening. I think our core issue is my inability to accept her influence & share power in the relationship. I use what Gottman calls the 4 Horseman fend off the loss of male entitlement & maintain control. When it comes to really big issues, like having kids, I use them to such an extreme, that my wife makes ultimatums like, "we're having a baby or I'm leaving you." I begrudgingly give in the her, but am totally resentful after towards her. But, these insights are too little, too late. I have to move out of the house on July 1st into a basement apartment. We have 2 small kids (4yrs & 15mos). My wife says she needs both physical & emotional space away from me to evaluate whether she wants to stay married or not. She has agreed to give the separation 6mos. We are to only relationship build & date each other. We have both agreed to seek couples & individual therapy. I have been in therapy for nearly 2yrs already at her request. I am told I have anxiety, but I only seem to have it with her. She says she is willing to reconcile if I make BIG, DRASTIC changes. She says I have made small, incremental changes as result of therapy, but it's not enough. At this point, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start the rebuilding process. Whenever I gain some new insight & confess it to her, she just gets extremely enraged with me. She views the last 8yrs as all negative. She says she's tired of making excuses for my behavior. I had always tried to do the things she wanted: Help with the kids, do more around the house, hang out with her friends, etc. I was doing more & more, but I work 12hr night shifts. I would come home & stay up with the kids for 1.5-2hrs so she could sleep in. Then I would maybe get 5-6hrs of sleep & have to get up to watch the kids so she could nap or read or have some chill out time. I'm constantly exhausted. I tried to tell her this, but I believe she feels that since she has the kids all day while I'm asleep & has to get up with them at night, then she needs the rest more than I do. I'm resentful, contemptuous, & down right mean... Mainly b/c I am so exhausted all the time. My guard really goes down when I'm that worn out. Like I said, I want to start the reconciliation process & start making connections with her, but she is still in the stage of releasing anger. I'm sure this is an all too familiar tale to those of you on this forum. Those of you who are or have been separated, how have you been able to stop the anger & rebuild your relationships? Right now I feel so lost.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

It sounds like your wife is in charge. 

You are acquiescing to her demands as you don't want to make her angry and drive her to do something drastic. Wrong approach. 

You also appear to be shouldering blame for her wanting to leave. Wrong approach. 

I challenge your thinking in that you are responsible for your share of the marital breakdown, but not responsible for her thoughts and actions. She owns them. You are the self-made scapegoat for this now. 

Why are you the one moving out? She wants out and she should move out. Why is your life now disrupted by her crisis? It is my opinion this is part of the giving into her demands. You may want to rethink this as in some states it may be construed as abandoning the marital home and your kids. You may be setting a precedent you may have challenges reversing later.

She has made this all about you. What is she doing to make the relationship better other than getting away from you? How is she improving herself in that she can participate in a better marriage? Answers: nothing, and she's not. You'll be working your a$$ off to make it work. This seems very one sided to me. 

It appears that she has checked out. Now you are moving out. Her plan is in place and your doing exactly as she has anticipated. You are now suppose to change for her liking (she will determine if it's good enough) and you will chase her and give her tingles she is so desiring. Meanwhile you will be doing the "Pick me!!!" dance. You'll be doing all sorts of self improvement in order for you to stay in her good graces. She is setting you up for divorce - not reconciliation. 

This is chicanery, brother. You need legal advice yesterday. DO NOT MOVE OUT UNTIL YOU HAVE SPOKEN WITH A LAWYER. You don't have to tell her you are. Do it.

The individual counseling is good. Continue for your sake. Work on your shortcomings and becoming the man you are envisioning.....this is for you - not to satisfy your wife. See a lawyer NOW so you can determine what you need to do to protect yourself in case she files. My bet is she's already talked to a lawyer. Her plan is in place, brother. Right now, you're not thinking divorce, but I guarantee you she is. Keep engaged with your kids. Very engaged. 

Watch her actions. Her words are worthless. Stop letting her run you.

I predict in a few more posts, people will be posting that she is seeing someone else. Keep it in mind that she might be. She is following the walkout/ifidelity script VERY closely. What we usually see here on TAM is that in a few posts, you'll be telling us about her "friend" who understands her and "only kissed." Not enough information right now.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I suspect that a week of good sleep will bring this all into focus. Turn off your phone while you sleep.
MN


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## turningthepage (Apr 11, 2014)

What helolover said!
I'm thinking there could be someone else. She is so full of blame for you. I was married for 23 years and was sure my sweet little thing would never step out on me. Was I wrong! 
Even if she is not seeing anyone why would you leave the house? She wants out, let her leave! You are doing the work to improve. Don't let her demean you. What is she doing to improve herself?
She has you on the defensive and that can be the result of a guilty 
conscience.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My rich, skanky XW asked for a "trial separation" some two months prior to pulling the trigger! All during this time plus about a year prior to, I later find out that she has been busy running the road, supposedly on legitimate business, " hauling the ashes" of two other men from earlier in her life that she had reconnected with on FB. I found this out roughly about a year into the separation by an extensive analysis of her cell phone records and her FB activities.

Beware! My advise is that those venues need to be checked out pronto! Something could already be going on!

And also, do "the 180" and get to a lawyer ASAP to explore your legal rights!*


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I wish I could see her face when you walk in and tell her, she wants to end the marriage, she can leave!

Stretch


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

Harry, firstly, sorry that your here and your feeling the way you are. Secondly, you did a fantastic thing by finding this page and sharing.

I am 18 wks into a separation after my wife of less than 2 yrs told me the she loves me but not in love with me line... I was devastated, agreed to move out to give her space and immediately i broke it, I begged, cried, pleaded, promised, and all I did was push her away. I did not give her space, I did not make her miss me, I did not leave her alone.

18 wks on I still desperately want my marriage to work and my wife is slowly allowing me back into her heart. Her reasons were I was not there for her emotionally, I took her for granted and did not spend quality time with our kids, she was right. She took negative advice from friends and pushed me away, had a guy sniffing around her which I guess flattered her. it was awful

In 2 weeks it is our 2nd anniversary. I am dreading it. I am just staying strong, looking after myself, and hoping that things work out.

Please stay on here, keep posting, let the guys here help and advise.

Dan


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Do not move out until you consult with a lawyer. She is clearly in control here and you must reverse that if the M will succeed – you look weak to her and she doesn’t respect you. She has you back tracking right now and you are of the mind set that you will do anything she says to keep her happy, you will become Mr. Niceguy and move out so she likes you - the pick-me game - not to upset her and someday she will miss you and ask you to come home…… all she is doing is clearing you out. The chance of getting back in later is very slim. FYI All cheaters follow the same script and this is a first step what you are going through right now. Most likely someone has been hitting on her or vice versa and she has someone in mind - the A may or may not have started but, she is thinking about someone etc etc and now wants to try out in her mind a potentially better situation. She needs space from you to do that and not look bad. It’s a cover, you are in the way and need to go. I would start investigating – do not become a nice guy in this situation. She wants you out but not to far just in case, you are now for plan B. That’s the script, don’t follow it and don’t move out. At this point don’t trust her words only her actions because you will be sitting in basement soon wondering WTF happened., don’t move out…if she wants to go let her but stay put and never ever cry or beg. We don’t want to say told you so.


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