# 12 yeara married, now he my want out



## frustratednhurt (Jan 15, 2010)

My husband and i have been married 12 years. three years after we got married he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He had surgery and pulled thourgh we a few deficits- mostly all fixed now.He still has some issues with his balance and double vision. Since the surgery, he has changed and over the past 9 years basically became an angry person that cancer happened to him. During that time he decided he didnt want to feel the pain of losing anyone close to him and didnt want ties to anything. We have been ignoring the problem for a long time. in 2005 he asked for a divorce- but we agreed to work on it. Since that time to today- we didnt in my opinion try working on anything, just kept pushing through the years. Anger, frustration, grudges and walls have been built up. This week he said he thought we should separate and see how we feel about it later. I wrote down and through email (while at work  ) and explained how i felt. That night we had a long talk and some of it fingerpointing. The thing is we never fight- like most people- we bicker and make snide remarks to each other i lieu of that over the past 12 years. He said he was being honest and trying to do what is best for both of us for our future. He said he will not leave me fiancially in a bad place and plans to see finances out etc. He wants me to be with someone who treats me better and someone who deserves me. At the end of the conversation he also said that he has had a strong feeling about wanting to be with other women(although neither of us have cheated)- thats one thing we agree on- we would never cheat- we would end it first(the marriage) if that was the case. He refuse to go to counseling. 
He said maybe it is because he is getting older ( on the cheating thing)- we maybe have sex once a week- maybe- and i can tell it is chore for him- at times-

He is still in the house- but as he states %50 %50 on what he really wants. We have had a lot of bad things happen and done to each other over the past. I dont know that he can put his walls down. He remembers things that i did that i dont even recall- but he holds gainst me. When we talk (the last two days he has refused to talk too much in depth about it) i have een reading between the lines and while he said he hasnt made up his mind it seems he leans more towards leaving. 

I know we have had it rough- and i want to work on things and get back what we used to have in the beginning. However, my head is not in the clouds either. I dont want to be mserable foever. He is my bestfriend even though there is a lot of anger. I love him- he says he loves me. But we have been in such a parallel marriage over the last 6 years- i dont know what to do.

What i have decided- no matter how hard it will be- I will not stand in his way and I am not going to guilt trip him or beg him to stay if he decides to leave.I guess i jsut want to see if anyone out there has been in this similar situation. We have no kids- but it doesnt make it any easier.

Does setting guidelines/rules on a separation work? Do separations work? how long is the typical separation?


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Separations can work in that they allow the couple to experience life without each other and work on issues of their own. What I may be concerned about is whether he will digress or get worse without you, instead of seeing the positive in the marriage.

Could he be pulling all of this to get a fighting reaction from you? Maybe he's tired of fighting (with the cancer and the whole bit) and just wants to lean on you for some strength. I could be way off as this sounds more complicated and longer than that.

It would be a shame to suffer illness and all of that without the person that you love beside you (no matter how miserable it gets). And it would be a shame for you to miss that time of truly giving him your love in a sacrificial way.


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## frustratednhurt (Jan 15, 2010)

Well since the tumor- he has not had an re-occurance- bascially he is in remission the past 10 years. As far as a fighting reaction? i dont know. I thought we had a good talk on Wednesday night and i wrote down three lists. The things that make me feel loved, my needs, my wants. I asked him to do the same- he hasnt. We had a conversation and i told him that i believe all our time together- even though we tried before- our relationship is worth it to me to work on it and it meant a lot to me. He thanked me for my lists and said my comment on our relationsip meant a lot to him. Now the past two days he has seemed to digress in his feelings- which i took as positive on wed. He said today that he needs time to think before he has another in depth conversation, because he doesnt want to fall into lying to me on either way he decides- or lie to himself


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