# Need To Get Over Feeling Guilty



## happymom2017 (Mar 8, 2017)

I'll try to keep this brief (that's not gonna happen - sorry) I've been married to my husband for 21 years. We have 3 teenagers. From the beginning, I had a hard time communicating - we are very different in so many ways. I hate conflict and do whatever I can to avoid it. Unfortunately that involves avoiding communicating as well. Finances was always the big issue. I handled the finances, although he was the breadwinner. I've worked part time for years and he full time. But I was able to be home with the kids through the school years. We were fortunate to purchase our first home with the help of my parents. They sold it to us at a very low price, leaving enough equity for when we sold. There were many issues for years that caused arguments, but I know that's normal in a marriage. 

I'll fast forward to the past 5 years, which is really when I started feeling the way I feel about our marriage. We sold the house and moved out of town, which was a great move in my opinion. Better school, great neighborhood, great town (we had lived in my home town, which was stressful as he never really felt like he fit in) in 2012, I was hospitalized for a week and needed surgery a few months later, being hospitalized again for a week. Both hospital visits, he hardly came in to visit, other than to drop off, pick up and bring the kids in to see me once (they were 9, 13 & 14 at that time) He was more concerned with the house being kept up (not for me, but for him - he is very uptight with the house etc) After the surgery, I had a few more health issues that came about. It was hard to talk to him, as he always tried to come up with reasons for these ailments (if you take better care of yourself, blah blah blah - mind you, the issues were tumors and other hereditary issues that could not be prevented) From that point on, I started avoiding talking to him about my health as I didn't feel supported. In 2013, my Mom had minor day surgery (doc messed up), which led to 18 months of hospitalization and eventual death. My family is very close and myself, my Dad and my siblings spent alot of time with my Mom at the hospital. Dad spent every day for 18 months. I tried to get in 3 times a week. He wasn't supportive and gave me grief whenever I went in. Just always with a negative attitude. After 18 months, she made the very difficult decision to go home (to my brother's house) under hospice care to spend her last days with family. It was very emotional and beautiful. She had family & friends with her at all times. In the week that she was home, he came to see her once. My siblings all had their spouses there with them as much as they could possibly be there. He is a teacher, so he wasn't even working, yet only made it there once. Constantly getting the "where's *****?" from my siblings, dad and other friends/family. 

This past October, I was feeling sick for a few days.. got to a point where my chest hurt and trouble breathing. I'm pretty in tuned with my body and knew it was either pneumonia or pleurisy (which I had in the past and pain was similar) so I decided to go to a local health express place, knowing it would take too long to get to my primary and didn't want to wait in the ER. So I went and they immediately sent me to the ER. She saw pneumonia on xray and thought blood clot as well. I got there and honestly didn't even want to text/call him. My first call was to my Dad, who I wanted to be with me. But I did text my husband at work and told him where I was and what they thought. His reply was "Okay. So why did you go to health express? Now you're gonna have two co-payments and a bigger one for the hospital) I was fuming. And he didn't even come to the hospital on his ride home. So I kept him updated via text with updates and responses were simple like "ok" "so you don't need dinner then?" etc. It turned out I had pneumonia and pleurisy. 

Fast forward to December when the bill for the hospital comes ($100) and he asks what it was.. I said that's from my visit to the hospital in October. He says "what hospital visit? for what" To be clear though, alot of our tension came from me not be honest about our finances. I wasn't spending it on things for myself, but when he asked how the CC balances were, I'd just say fine, even if they weren't. That got out of hand as I got laid off last year, so the payments were smaller (I was paying from my pay checks) So this Summer I was up front with the CC balances which were higher than he expected. It caused alot of tension. We took out a home equity to pay them. We still have alot of equity in the house. So after the hospital issue, it hit me that life is too short to be this unhappy and I said I was going to give it through the end of 2016 to make a decision about what I want. Many times, he would say things like "I'm not living like this" etc. That kind of wears on you. And the constant bickering and negativitiy was endless. And our kids have seen how miserable we are.. sometimes even asking me "mom, how are you even with him" yet I know a divorce would be devastating to them. I also felt hypocritical as I always gave the advice to my friends who were staying in a loveless marriage for the kids.. I always told them not to, as that would be showing your kids what marriage should not be etc. 

So fast forward to NYE 2016 We were going to a friends for a party and he says he doesn't really feel like going. I was like "fine. I'm going either way" He does end up going. It was a great party. As the ball dropped and everyone was ringing in the NY, we didn't even look at eachother.. a minute or so later, we were like "oh hey.. happy new year" and gave a kiss. It was very telling in my opinion. We had drunken sex that night (which for many months, I was not wanting it or enjoying it) it became more of an obligation. So I woke up on New Years Day and decided that I can't be this unhappy anymore. I decided I was going to make a change. A few days later I got up the courage to tell him things need to change and I want a "break". It was a tense conversation and he didn't really get what I was saying. I suggested therapy and he said he didn't have time for it. So a few weeks go by and nothing changed. I brought up the conversation again and again he listened to me, but didn't hear me. Two weeks after that, I finally used the word separation and he seemed very taken aback. So apparently he didn't even comprehend what I had been telling him for the month prior. I had taken up going to the gym every night as it got me out of the house. So now it's all hitting him and he gets very defensive. Says it's his domain.. he's not leaving the house or the kids etc. Then says he will do therapy. I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore.. which was very hard for me. I am overly sensitive and hate hurting people.. I've always put others feelings ahead of mine (which is why I stayed for so long) I had to be truthful. 

So we started therapy and he decided he wants to make it work and keeps apologizing and confessing his undying love to me. I've gotten to a point when I don't feel it for him anymore. I started sleeping on the couch, although get up in the morning and go back to the bed as the kids don't know yet. I have told him that we are not having sex (there was also an awful situation a few years back involving sex that pretty much had a lasting effect on me) He is pissed because he has needs etc. Sex is not important to me right now and I don't want to just fulfill a need. Plus it will lead to confusion. Our therapist suggest individual therapy for both of us. He went to his for the first time on Monday (he fears therapy as I believe there are things from his childhood that he never dealt with or admitted) But after his therapy, he came home and started telling me what they talked about.. and he got angry and resentful. He is placing the blame all on me. I know he's angry so I listen. Told him he doesn't need to share what he discusses in his therapy. Yesterday was very stressful as he discussed his needs again .. he says he wants to either make this work or rip off the bandaid as he sees me moving on without him. I have nowhere to go and we don't have the finances for this. I can't leave my kids. I figure an in-house separation for a bit. We have couples therapy tonight and she knows where we both stand. He knows I'm not in love with him. I don't see myself growing old with him. He thinks because of our age, we should just deal with it and live out the rest of years together (I'm 48 and he's 49) I say we move on, knowing that we still have good years left and we can both possibly find happiness and show our kids that happiness and self-worth is very important. If anyone has done inhouse separation for a period of time, can you give me any advice. If I had the funds, I would get an apartment in the area. I am on the deed, but not the mortgage.. so the house is mine as well. Man this is hard! Thanks for reading.. i'm sure it's very confusing.

**wanted to add a few things: in May of 2013, my doc found a rare tumor (non-cancerous at this time, but can change at any time) on my pancreas, which threw me into a whole new attitude toward life and being happy. The following Summer I had some "bucket list" thoughts. There was something I always wanted to do - a whale watch. A simple boat ride out on the harbor. He has no fear of boats or the water or anything. He just didn't feel like going (after I bought two tickets) wanted to work in the yard (something he does every day in the Summer) I went by myself - had an amazing time. He never thought twice about coming with me. I honestly would have dropped everything to do this for him, knowing it was a bucket list item.

He has no compassion or empathy and those are two things are very important to me. He gets mad if our kids get emotional when someone dies etc We had a teenager die in town this year and my daughter wanted to go the funeral. I took her. He doesn't know why I took her.. then says we're raising "weenies" when it comes to our kids having compassion etc. 

He also started tracking my phone by GPS (I literally go the gym or the supermarket and back these days) and got upset when I changed my password to my phone. He got up in the middle of the night one night and tried to get into my phone. I would never grab his phone. He doesn't think I'm cheating, he just thinks people are feeding me thoughts about all this. Which bother me too, that he thinks I wouldn't have my own thoughts & ideas. I changed my password because me daughter always grabbed my phone and would look at my texts. Some of our text have gotten heated and I don't want her to see them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your H is totally detached. You are room mates basically. You became detached over time. Happens. Concerning the medical, I'll be honest, I too worry about the bills that will come in. Maybe it is a guy thing. However, I'm more supportive of my W and any health issues. 

Anyway, this is all salvageable if both want it. Need to get it in your heads that long long ago there was a person who your really liked. Dated, married and had kids. Along the way both forgot about dating that got both here in the first place. 

Put each other first.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to the forum, but I am sorry for why you find yourself here.

I left a marriage of your length also, and once I made up my mind that I was done, no amount of counseling could or did change it. If you are completely sure that you and done, then start the divorce proceedings. I wish I would have done that, and saved myself several more years of misery trying to work on something that there was no hope for.

If you are not sure, or if you want to make it work, then recommit yourself to him, and do things to cultivate love and attraction between you. I do think you guys could be successful at saving your marriage if you both want that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He sounds rather psychopathic... Lacking in empathy. 

My ex H was the same. Barely there to support me and I tirelessly supported him in anything. 

Life IS too short to waste with someone who could care less about you. Your children know this. They'll be OK.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Asperger's


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you have to end this marriage(which would be very sad) then you will need to get a full time job so that you can both afford to eventually live separately. You may think that living separately in the same house is a good idea but what happens in the long term?I know 3 couples who tried this, it didn't work. 
Some people, men especially, struggle to deal with illness and hospitals.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> Asperger's


This was the first thing that came to mind.

But I'm definitely no expert.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I hope he isn't coaching school sports too...

It will get worse before it gets better... if he really wants to change, his journey is just beginning, and that's only if he really wants to understand why it's dark standing in his own shadow. If he cannot be humble, he will never get the baptism of self-awareness humility brings. I do hope he finds it, life will assuredly be different if he learns to love and respect himself more, and for those around him it will be all or nothing until balance truly comes. You share you are not in love with him and you don't see yourself growing old with him... pretty limited options in a pretty small house, that couch will get old after awhile and it will be the smaller of new resentments. But it can change... and if he does, are you willing to try loving him again?

What forgiveness can you offer for both of you?

Nothing is too late right now, but it may not be in the mindset as a couple so your focus should be in preparation for the path you choose to take. 

If a path on your own is your choice, you are probably in a position to share his retirement and social security being a SAHM, but you will need to have a livable wage for awhile yet, perhaps enroll in the local community college with a 2-year degree in mind that can give you some of the skills you need to be happily employed. It will also get you out of the house in the tense times and you can get privileges for a variety of services. 

He has a lot of heavy lifting to do... just how long you are willing to spot him is your call, make sure years from now you can say you've chosen the life you want, not settled for it.

Maybe he will surprise you...


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> He sounds rather psychopathic... Lacking in empathy.
> 
> My ex H was the same. Barely there to support me and I tirelessly supported him in anything.
> 
> Life IS too short to waste with someone who could care less about you. Your children know this. They'll be OK.


My ex was like that, too. After major surgery, he helped for one day and that was it. He only "helped" when others were around to see it. In fact, the day of surgery he left when I was in the OR and didn't stop in until the next morning for about 15 minutes. Then I didn't see him again until I was discharged a few days later. I, too, supported him in any way I could until the last few years of the marriage. At that point, I starting disconnecting and didn't care anymore.

I, too, made the mistake of staying for the kids. Such a stupid reason!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Your H does certainly lack empathy. He needs to change before any head way is going to be made toward saving your marriage. He needs to know that you're serious and the separation idea seems to not have done the trick. I would serve him divorce papers and make this real to him. You don't have to go through with it but just the reality that you filed might be enough to stop from being a jerk. 

I know how you feel about being married and having the necessary amount of money to do so. I'm in the same place. There's not much you can do other than trend water until perhaps there is enough to divorce.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> This was the first thing that came to mind.
> 
> But I'm definitely no expert.


It certainly does sound like he could be diagnosed with some sort of high functioning autism spectrum disorder, which is what the term "Asperger's Syndrome" has been clinically replaced with. If so, the OP's husband was probably teased mercilessly as a child for being so obtuse - hence his "grumpiness" on top of his lack of empathy. I have two sons on opposite ends of the autism spectrum and a lot of it is an inability to process information because there's too much to deal with. Even today, being diagnosed carries a stigma - especially in older generations so I wouldn't confront him with it on an emotional level. I simply think that there needs to be some acceptance on your part that the man is not equipped to respond on an emotional level. 

My aunt has been married to a similarly "gruff" person for 60 years but has made it work by being similarly blunt with him, though she is a very outgoing person - giving meaning to the term "better half" since he is clearly lacking. That being said, I have seen the man laugh and cry so I know that he does have emotions. He just can't understand others'. To the OP, perhaps you should deal with your husband in dispassionate and unambiguous terms and let him know when he's crossed a boundary with criticism - or fallen well short of his social responsibilities as husband and parent. 

As for you locking your phone and having issues with him tracking you, in this I think that YOU are in the wrong. Consider that he may not be trying to control you but is trying to figure out what's going on. Now is NOT the time to go underground on him as it may only make him do this more and will foster distrust and make him even more insufferable. It may be the only way he has to cope with uncertainty.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

m00nman said:


> As for you locking your phone and having issues with him tracking you, in this I think that YOU are in the wrong. Consider that he may not be trying to control you but is trying to figure out what's going on. Now is NOT the time to go underground on him as it may only make him do this more and will foster distrust and make him even more insufferable. It may be the only way he has to cope with uncertainty.


I would agree here... transparency will be your friend.


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

I've done an income separation. My wife insisted I leave and at first I did. I was absolutely miserable because she was the cheater, decided she wanted a separation and I was the one separated from the kids and my home. After a couple weeks I came to my senses and moved back home. My wife cleared out the office and bought her own bed so she would have her own room. At that time I was willing to work things out but I wasn't going to beg her anymore and I wasn't going to chase her either. She needed to either be all in with working things out and stop expecting me to do all of the work and make all of the changes or we would ride out the separation and file for divorce after the mandatory waiting period. 

So I basically acted as if she was my roommate. I was polite and certious and never expected anything from her other than what we agreed on. We came to an agreement on how we would care for the kids and whatnot. Basically we stayed home until after they went to bed during the week then on weekends we would take turns. We split up our communal debt and savings and stopped our paychecks from going to the joint account and used that as the account we transfered money to and paid bills from. As far as bills went we agreed on a percentage because I was making significantly more than her at the time because she was recently medicaly retired from the military. We did all of that in preparation for divorce. We split everything with the understanding that financially that would be it. It was up to us individually to pay down our half of the debt and save for court fees and Lawyers and our new chapter. If she bought something for the kids that was needed she would provide a receipt and I would pay half and vice versa. We were roommates plain and simple and all we would need to nail down was custody and our belongings. The property couldn't have been split because it was all in the same house but I don't really think that would have been an issue.

Now how that actually worked out was a little different. My wife had a lot of trouble treating me like a roommate and I would have to constantly remind her that she would not ask a roommate for such and such or to do such and such. She would try and make me pay half when she wanted to take the kids to a movie or out to Mc Donald's and she would expect me to watch the kids when it was her weekend. Mind you I never have a problem taking care of my children but she wouldn't give me the courtesy of asking and if I had plans she would get furious even though it was her weekend. And she stiffed me with a vet bill when one of our dogs got injured even though we agreed we would pay half.

I didn't let any of that phase me and I didn't budge from what we agreed on. Well, other than the vet bill because the dog needed treatment. I know I handled the in home separation better than my wife and I feel like she kind of showed me how she was going to be as an ex-wife. 

After about 9 months she came to me asking if she could work things out and she admitted that she wasn't putting any effort into fixing our issues that had been unresolved for years and years. I told her I would think about it but we would need to go to counseling. We did and after a couple of weeks I decided that I want to give it one more shot. 

Since then things have been different. We still have ups and downs and we're still working through things but I think it was a positive experience. Mainly because I didn't have to be totally miserable because I was out of the house away from the kids AND dealing with the pressure and anxiety of being separated. 

I am a firm believer that if one person has even the smallest desire to work things out you should both stay in the house. I mean I was ready to be done. I wanted to work things out but I was done being the only one that wanted that. I had started to look forward to being on my own and starting a new chapter. I know that if either of us would have left the house we would have been divorced. But we made it through and now we're looking forward to our future together and I'm glad that I refused to leave. 

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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

xxxSHxYZxxx said:


> I've done an income separation. My wife insisted I leave and at first I did. I was absolutely miserable because she was the cheater, decided she wanted a separation and I was the one separated from the kids and my home. After a couple weeks I came to my senses and moved back home. My wife cleared out the office and bought her own bed so she would have her own room. At that time I was willing to work things out but I wasn't going to beg her anymore and I wasn't going to chase her either. She needed to either be all in with working things out and stop expecting me to do all of the work and make all of the changes or we would ride out the separation and file for divorce after the mandatory waiting period.
> 
> So I basically acted as if she was my roommate. I was polite and certious and never expected anything from her other than what we agreed on. We came to an agreement on how we would care for the kids and whatnot. Basically we stayed home until after they went to bed during the week then on weekends we would take turns. We split up our communal debt and savings and stopped our paychecks from going to the joint account and used that as the account we transfered money to and paid bills from. As far as bills went we agreed on a percentage because I was making significantly more than her at the time because she was recently medicaly retired from the military. We did all of that in preparation for divorce. We split everything with the understanding that financially that would be it. It was up to us individually to pay down our half of the debt and save for court fees and Lawyers and our new chapter. If she bought something for the kids that was needed she would provide a receipt and I would pay half and vice versa. We were roommates plain and simple and all we would need to nail down was custody and our belongings. The property couldn't have been split because it was all in the same house but I don't really think that would have been an issue.
> 
> ...


*In home. Sorry Auto correct is not my friend 



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