# Was this a big deal?



## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

She had a 5 month relationship with another guy. (That time frame is only what I have proof of. I feel like it went on for a lot longer) 
Texting this guy like crazy. Face Book messaging even more. Phone calls and such. 
Lied about it a lot. 
Messages that I saw consisted of them meeting up a lot. Kissing, hands all over each other, meeting up at hotels, getting stoned together and so fourth. 
Sneaking around on me a bunch. 
Using her friends to cover for her, who had also cheated themselves. 

But, I never actually read where they had actual intercourse with each other and she swears all she did was kiss the guy a couple of times. That they only met a few times for just a few minutes each time and it was harmless. She does not know how I found out or that I have seen the messages that I have. She has only admitted to what I feel like she has to. 

In my opinion, a drunken one night stand is less of a deal than a long on-going relationship that was hidden from me. 
I’m over the pissed off part. Just looking for opinions on if you would consider that harmless or was it a big deal? I would have to go with big deal.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Even if she and the OM did not have intercourse or any other kind of sex, the fact remains that she carried an EA (emotional affair) with him in which she was dedicating more time with him than with you and sharing things that she should have only shared with you.


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

She says that they did not have actual sex. But they did meet up and make out a good bit with hands going everywhere. 

From what I have read of these messages, how I did not flat out flip out is beyond me. 

They did have alot of messaging going on back and fourth and I was lied to about it a lot. Also her best friend was covering for her at times so that she could go and meet up with this guy. 

I just feel like it would be defined as a big deal. But that is just my opinion.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yes it is a huge deal. Actually it is a deal breaker. You are getting trickle-truth. A watered down version of the truth that she hopes you will accept. 

Meeting up at a hotel - come on- of course she had sex with the guy.

Even if you do not want to believe that intercourse has happened, she has still had a physical affair that she lied about and tried to keep secret. Can you honestly believe that "just making out with hands all over each other" went on for 5 months and no sex was involved? Maybe she is not counting a blow job as sex?

Marriage is over. You cannot trust this person ever again.

EDIT: Are you married?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

red flag


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Do you meet up at a hotel just to make out a little bit?


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

We are still married. She moved out on her own before I found out for sure about what was going on. 

I dont disagree with yall about it being a deal breaker. I was open to trying to try and see if we could work things out but there are other reasons that I am feeling that the relationship will not come back. 

She just insist that it was nothing and I am just looking for opinions on what others consider a big deal or not.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OK - the affair is still going on strong -probably at least one reason she moved out. She will never admit the whole truth to you. She is gone. Marriage is over. Get the divorce and move on with your life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When it comes to cheating nothing is harmless...
In my experience the taste of guilt and the ease of justification becomes easier for the wayward as the marriage passes time.

Rug sweeping is the worst thing you can do, and with out opening this can of worm and exposing it and facing all the consequences will only leed to a repeat offence many years from now.

In my case my fWW didn't cheat the 2nd time until 5 years after I told her I didn't want to face this and "if she continues people would die". This was her 1st ....7 years into the M.

Well its been 20 years and 13 of them consisted of 20 OM. To say the least it progressed as the years went by. I'm guessing she was so unhappy with the M that the life would be hers, just saying.

So please face this and expose it and face the consequence and learn from this so that the both of you understand how to pevent this from happening again.

By educating your selves *now* it can make for a healthier marriage with or with out your curent spouse!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can kiss on a park bench, you only rent a hotel so you can get naked and have sex.


You need to reclassify you situation to a man wth a cheating wife who's been having a long term PA and as left you for him

Only one thing to do in this case: find all you can about him and expose the affair to hs gf/wife and all her family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Good lord! Just divorce the skank and be done with it!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Yes I am sure that just meet up at hotels and did a little kissing and then continued to play checkers. It is embarrassing that she could actually tell you this to your face that they only made out in hotels but nothing more. She really must believe you are a complete idiot. If the roles were reversed she would have been laughing in your face if you told her this.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

To me, it would be a HUGE deal.
It doesn't matter if there was no sex, the hidden EA itself is just as damaging as finding out if they had sex.
Just wanna point out, what other reasons do you think they need to rent a hotel?
Are you still with this girl? What are your plans, I think you need to be ready... 
The way she is explaining it... me thinks more than kissing went on.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

She is having a physical affair, she has lied to you........do you really have to ask if this is a big deal, REALLY?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

yup, your marriage is over. No kids? Easier to move on.

Secure/protect your finance, assets. Remove her from your will, remove her as beneficiary of your life insurance, etc...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Huge deal.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Nobody pays for a motel to touch but not have sex.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

kayaker said:


> Messages that I saw consisted of them meeting up a lot. Kissing, hands all over each other, meeting up at hotels, getting stoned together and so fourth.


No married woman goes to hotels with a man other than her husband to simply make out. 



> She says that they did not have actual sex. But they did meet up and make out a good bit with hands going everywhere.


Wow. It looks like smoking weed has really scrambled her brain if she expects you to swallow that bit of horse sh!t.

Nevertheless, do what traders do when faced with a bad trade situation and simply cut your losses.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You can kiss on a park bench, you only rent a hotel so you can get naked and have sex.
> 
> 
> You need to reclassify you situation to a man wth a cheating wife who's been having a long term PA and as left you for him
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Wah nice wife, who went to hotel with her lover to make out, not for sex and she said it to you. What she want you to do? swallow it.

Expose their affair to whom ever possible. Also expose her toxic friend to all of them. she also cheated you by lying and fooling you. you are not the secret keeper of your fu*ked up wife and her OM and Toxic GF of her.

RUN man RUN as far away as possible from your toxic, cheating, heartless and disrespectful wife


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

So she meets up with another man, sneaking behind your back and goes to hotels, and all they do is kiss...you are a moron if you believe that.

Even if they didnt have sex. She still went behind your back to meet another man and involved countless others in her affair as well. Staying with her is only going to get you hurt more. Since you have no kids together, It would be wise to simply divorce and get it over with. Once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

essages that I saw consisted of them meeting up a lot. Kissing, hands all over each other, *meeting up at hotels*, getting stoned together and so fourth. 
Sneaking around on me a bunch. 
Using her friends to cover for her, who had also cheated themselves.

No intercourse , really? I guess stranger things has happen.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It might not have been a BIG DEAL to her to frequently meet a man, including at a hotel (to not have sex? c'mon...), to kiss and at least have their hands all over each other, hide it and lie about it to you -- but the real issue is, I assume, it is a BIG DEAL to you. As it would be to most sane married persons...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

She maybe trying to use the Bill Clinton def of sex. If they went to a hotel it was to take off their clothes. 

This is what everyone is saying a big deal and she is only telling you want she wants to not what she should be telling you


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's entirely possible that he rented the hotel/motel for them to meet up and talk and he was shoulder for her to cry on.

But you probably have a better chance at winning the lotto compared to that story she told you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Okay, now I'm on troll watch. It almost sounds as if this person made this up to get a rise out of people. Or it's the woman feeling out what people will think....

Time to jump ship.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Okay, now I'm on troll watch. It almost sounds as if this person made this up to get a rise out of people. Or it's the woman feeling out what people will think....
> 
> Time to jump ship.


BOTH theories are extremely interesting!


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

Ok, let me clear this up a little. 

YES I thought it was a BIG DEAL.
YES we have a 6 year old little girl.
NO, I do not believe everything she has told me about her version of the story. 
YES, I do feel like a lot more went on than what she told me. 
NO, we are not together right now. 

Only reason I posted the question is because she insisted that it was not a big deal. She also tried to get her friend to play it off as well. I disagreed with her on what she thought about it and I was curious about how many people would feel like I would on the fact that it was and still is a big deal. Guess I wanted to see if there was anyone that may agree with her opinion on the matter. 

And I really do not think that we will be getting back together even though she would really like that to happen. I just do not think it would work out in the long term.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Get:
1. STD Test
2. If nothing happened she will have no issue with a Polygraph
3. Protect your assests
4. Expose what she has done to the family
5. Take care of yourself and your daughter.
6. Don't believe anything she says until you have the information you want.


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

STD testing has been done. Everything was good.

I have no assests to worry about. 

I do have a ton of messages saved that can be pulled out and used if needed. 

She has finally come out and admitted to everyone that she did do this, but she has not come totally clean about the time line.

Me and my daughter are fine. My wife is lets just say "OK" but not great. 

She is really wanting us to get back together again but I really dont think that it will happen. I feel pretty good about things and am doing just fine I think. Do to some some money related issues that need to be taken care of first, we will remain married for a little longer so I guess she may have the chance to try and prove herself to me. But that is going to be hard for her to do since she moved out. I also have a hard time with her still insisting that it was not a big deal. If she would come totally clean about everything on her own and admit that what went down was a big deal, then maybe (and I stress the maybe part) she might be given a chance to try and prove herself. 

But for the moment, she is out of my home and she is on her own. And I am just fine with that.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Get:
> 1. STD Test
> 2. If nothing happened she will have no issue with a Polygraph
> 3. Protect your assests
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

kayaker said:


> STD testing has been done. Everything was good.
> 
> I have no assests to worry about.
> 
> ...


She sounds like she is still in the fog of the affair. Telling you it is no big deal is her version of her fantasy, because at this point in her twisted mind it is no big deal. You are tracking on her attitude. No big deal means she does not give a rip about you because in her mind you are no big deal.

Sorry you are going through this. Stay strong.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> She sounds like she is still in the fog of the affair. Telling you it is no big deal is her version of her fantasy, because at this point in her twisted mind it is no big deal. You are tracking on her attitude. No big deal means she does not give a rip about you because in her mind you are no big deal.


:iagree:

kayaker, do you seriously believe that if the roles had been reversed, that she would have swallow your line that it was 'no big deal'?

A wife sneaking around and making out with another man who is not her husband inside hotels IS cheating even if there is not intercourse or oral sex. She is having an EA/PA.

Also, there's an old saying 'sleep with dogs and you'll catch fleas' which is very true considering that your wife, as well as other cheating wives, has friends who are cheaters themselves.

In the future, if you are interested in a woman, first find out who her friends really are. Chances are her choice of friends reflects her moral values, or lack of.

Dump her, you can do better.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kayaker said:


> *She had a 5 month relationship with another guy.* (That time frame is only what I have proof of. I feel like it went on for a lot longer)
> Texting this guy like crazy. Face Book messaging even more. Phone calls and such.
> Lied about it a lot.
> Messages that I saw consisted of them meeting up a lot. Kissing, hands all over each other, meeting up at hotels, getting stoned together and so fourth.
> ...


After the first line bolded above I was able to say yes. That is a real big deal. The rest was supporting of that yes.


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