# Scared to discuss separation / divorce



## Liz89 (Apr 24, 2018)

My husband and i will be married for 5 years this September, together for 9 years.

We have 2 children, 7 and second one is turning 2 in December. 

I am struggling with the thought, i haven't been happy for a very long time, we have had a very rocky relationship and we probably should not have gotten married. 

I have tried to leave before, even before we were engaged, my first born was 1.5yrs. but i did not have a support system and i did not earn enough either, he threatened me allot and involved his parents who all made me feel like a horrible person for wanting to end it and break up my child's family. In the end i gave in, and here we are, 7 years later.

He has a temper, he isn't violet, was in the start but not now, he just gets very upset and that leads to him yelling and getting very mean towards me. It has ended up in my child crying because of the way he speaks to me....breaks my heart to see her like that

he is also verbally abusive, it took me a while to figure out what was happening, in the start i really believed him when he would say mean and degrading things to me
I don't feel like he ever supports me, i have started my own business and he never cares about how i am doing or even tries to ask me about it, all he cares about is that i have to contribute financially every month (which i understand and i gladly do, i would just like some emotional support or investment) 
He will never say good things to me directly, when its mothers day, our anniversary or my birthday, he will always go on facebook and write this amazing update about me for everyone to see....in the meantime he flipped out on me just that morning....

one of our most recent fights he flipped out and got extremely mad, he hit his hand on the kitchen counter while our oldest was there, it even made me jump, he left the room and she started crying, i asked her why she is crying and tried to calm her, telling her he was mad at me and not her, to which she responded that it made her scared.
he came back and i pointed it out, his response was " its my fault because i made him mad"

He criticizes everything i do and he is very negative, he will always voice the negative, why i shouldn't do something or why something i did was wrong and could be better.
I can literally not do anything without him criticizing it, I have tried to keep things to myself rather than disclosing it in fear of having to hear what he has to say, that has only lead to him accusing me of being a liar and always spinning him stories....if i knew i could talk to him without being verbally abused after, i would.... but he disagrees. 

We just don't see eye to eye, i am not someone who expects something back for everything i do, where he is, if it doesn't benefit him, he wont do it 

i was in a household where i wished my parents would just divorce, i don't want that for my kids. 

i honestly don't feel like this is healthy for me or the kids, he will not admit it, but i don't think he is happy either.
I have asked him in the past to do counselling with me to which he refused, he doesn't see why he needs to talk to a stranger, when we try to talk it feels like we are constantly going in circles
he has improved allot over the years, but i am honestly tired of trying, i have been fighting for this family for years and i am emotionally drained and i just don't want to anymore.
I want to be happy, i'm only 29 and i am still able to build a life and find someone who treats me better.

I don't know how to approach the subject of divorce with him....i am positive he is going to flip
I know he is going to say that its not what he wants and make me into the villain, which is fine, My kids are my life, I cant lose them and i am scared that he will tell me to leave the house seeing as it is on his name my car is also on his name and he pays it

i don't want my daughters to think that this is how they should be treated in a relationship...

any advise as to how to prepare to bring up the subject will be appreciated


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

Not sure if your religious back ground but I would first pray. Then you have to figure out exactly what YOU WANT. Don’t worry about what other are going to say or do. You deserve to be happy. And if separating/divorcing him and leaving a toxic situation makes you happy. Then do it. If divorce is the way you chose. Get a lawyer and they will direct you from there. But make sure this is what you want. Because you’re going to have to be strong and stern in what you want. I pray it works out for you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*On your worst day, you do not deserve this kind of autocratic treatment by him! You need to be talking with a good family law attorney regarding your property and custodial rights!

Is your business now making more money than he earns? And do you have any monetary or emotional support from your own family?*


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## Liz89 (Apr 24, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *On your worst day, you do not deserve this kind of autocratic treatment by him! You need to be talking with a good family law attorney regarding your property and custodial rights!
> 
> Is your business now making more money than he earns? And do you have any monetary or emotional support from your own family?*


Thank you
yes i am looking into local attorneys to get some advise and see where to start

My company is doing well, consistent earnings.
He works for his father so his benefits are allot so technically he still earns more than me

I do have a very good friend here and she has been there for me, I don't have immediate family in the area no, but my father is there via telephone and should i need assistance financially, he will be able to assist


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## Liz89 (Apr 24, 2018)

jferg0212 said:


> Not sure if your religious back ground but I would first pray. Then you have to figure out exactly what YOU WANT. Don’t worry about what other are going to say or do. You deserve to be happy. And if separating/divorcing him and leaving a toxic situation makes you happy. Then do it. If divorce is the way you chose. Get a lawyer and they will direct you from there. But make sure this is what you want. Because you’re going to have to be strong and stern in what you want. I pray it works out for you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you, I have been putting this off for a very long time, i'm sure this is what i need to do 
I just need to get my ducks in a row


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## Liz89 (Apr 24, 2018)

salvager said:


> I wouldn't bring it up at all I'd just see an attorney and file.
> 
> He can read about all the reasons when he gets served.


You definitely made me smile there

The thing is, I honestly don't want to hurt him, even after everything - 
I know he is not expecting it because he is so stubborn and I don't think he thinks i will actually leave. 
I dont want to make it worse


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Liz89, very sorry you are going through this.
I would make sure that in addition to the lawyer, you get your business/finances squared away also. Try to separate them from your H as much as you can. Great the you have a friend/support system in place. Please make sure you eat/work out/etc. to relieve the stress of this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I agree with the others to obtain sound legal advice from an experienced divorce attorney that practices contested divorces in your jurisdiction.

Step #1: Get an attorney experiences in difficult divorces and inform him/her what your objectives are.

Step #2: do what attorney says.

I also want to stress that you do not need your husbands consent, cooperation or buy-in to get a divorce. 

It's nice if he would be agreeable and cooperative, but I think you'll have the same chance of growing wings out of your butt and flying away like a butterfly than the chances of him being cooperative.

The key to this situation will be doing as much homework, planning and preparations as possible before the petition is actually filed.

It may even be wise to look into battered women's shelters and have a plan in place in case he goes off the rails.


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## Liz89 (Apr 24, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I agree with the others to obtain sound legal advice from an experienced divorce attorney that practices contested divorces in your jurisdiction.
> 
> Step #1: Get an attorney experiences in difficult divorces and inform him/her what your objectives are.
> 
> ...


Thank you, i have made an appointment with a well respected divorce lawyer in my area, seeing him on the 9th to discuss


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Liz89 said:


> Thank you, i have made an appointment with a well respected divorce lawyer in my area, seeing him on the 9th to discuss


That is good. Get empowered with facts and information and know what your rights and responsibilities will be during and after a divorce.

Once you have the facts, you can make an informed decision on how to proceed.

Keep in mind your attorney is not a shrink, therapist or marriage counselor. ...... But he/she will charge you hundreds of dollars an hour to discuss things.

Only discuss the nuts and bolts legal and financial matters with the lawyer.

Discuss feelings, marital issues and all the things your husband does to annoy you with clergy, therapists and your girlfriends.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You married an abusive man. He will be difficilt to live with and sadly after divorce, difficult to coparent with as well. The good news is that you will have peace and freedom from his destructive tendencies. 

He is not happy because happiness comes from within. He needs professional help and so do you. He will not seek help because he always blames others for his issues and doesn't admit fault in the bad decisions he makes. God only knows since when his maturity got stunted. 

A trademark of abusers is blameshifting and not accepting responsibility in regards to their actions. The "I hurt you because you made me do it" is ridiculous coming from any adult. I worked part time in a women's shelter snd the patterns of blameshifting and not accepting respondibility are extremely common. 

I am glad you are making the decision to stop this vicious cycle. You need to find a good therapist for you and especially the kids. They have been scarred by the abuse more than you can imagine. 

Once you are out of that cycle and seek help, you will be better prepared to find a healthy, mature partner that can enhance your life and not trample it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> You married an abusive man. He will be difficilt to live with and sadly after divorce, difficult to coparent with as well. The good news is that you will have peace and freedom from his destructive tendencies.


This is a very important point to make.

Do not buy into magical thinking. Do not think that he is going to magically transform into a normal, decent, cooperative person.

Once he sees you are serious and any legal paperwork is filed he will become *WORSE.*

He may even become outright violent and destructive. 

You may even need assistance from a women's shelter for a period of time.

You need to make your attorney aware that he is abusive and uncooperative and manipulative.

They deal with these people day in and day out so it will be important to do what your attorney says and follow his/her direction even if you think it is unnecessarily provocative.

Your husband's attitude and behaviors are a character issue and is who he is. It will get worse once things start to disrupt his plans and wishes. 

He will never be nice or cooperative. He may even be dangerous in the opening phases separation and divorce.

You and your legal team need to be prepared for that and have dealing with that as part of your strategies from the get go.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

My ex sounds a lot like yours, except instead of abusive anger/verbal abuse, he would turn to very intelligent ways of putting me down, more of an emotional abuse. Essentially though, abuse is abuse, and no one deserves to put up with that. We also didn't have children.

Here's what I would do if I were you, which is also what I did:

1. find a lawyer who is willing to work FOR you
2. get any finances in order that you can; separate what you can
3. talk to a friend who has maybe been through a divorce as well; she can maybe shed some light into what she did, and if nothing else, she'll be a great support system
4. Talk to a therapist about your situation. Maybe you'll start to see another side of things, or maybe things are just at the point of being done for you guys. I talked to a therapist and between that and a workbook I worked through, I saw things very clearly and knew what I had to do.
5. make an appt with a couple's counsellor or ask your husband to go to a therapist appt with you. I did this with my STBXH for 2 reasons: A) He's fairly manipulative, and I didn't want to be manipulated back into staying and working on things. I was very unhappy; and B) His parents separated when he was young and a couple years later, his Dad came back asking to be let back into the family. When told that the family would think about it and let him know in a couple days, he went and killed himself. I didn't want that to happen to my own husband (he is a good man; we're just not good at all together). I wanted someone to mediate our separation should things get out of hand.

Much luck to you; this is a very hard position to be in and I wish all of you guys nothing but future happiness. Here's a link to the workbook that I found very helpful:

?????: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Liz89 said:


> You definitely made me smile there
> 
> The thing is, I honestly don't want to hurt him, even after everything -
> I know he is not expecting it because he is so stubborn and I don't think he thinks i will actually leave.
> I dont want to make it worse


Mine was the same way. After years and countless times of saying "we need to work on us" "can you spare some time for us this weekend", etc., he was still shocked when I asked for a separation. From what I've heard, this is fairly typical, and like you, I certainly didn't want to hurt my husband, but knew that separation was the best thing for us.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Please file and get a plan to get away from him.

I stayed for 23 years too long... it greatly affected me and my kids in a very negative way.

You won't understand how relieved you can feel until you move and file.

Stay strong. Know your boundary. Get out before it gets really bad - like get out immediately!

No one should live being scared of what their partner may do.


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## Liz89 (Apr 24, 2018)

Hi Everyone, 

Thank you for all the responses which i haven't commented on yet.
Response from my side

I have made the decision, its not considering divorce, i am going to divorce him. I have reached the point of no return and i can honestly say i do not want to be with him anymore, it does not matter what anyone says (those close to him) 
I am not staying and i will not put my kids through staying, i know people are going to make it seem like I am not thinking of my children, but i am, they don't know what happens behind closed doors.
I know my oldest will have a bit of a hard time, she understands the concept of having more than one mother and father. 
I will be seeing a psychiatrist along with her to make it as easy as possible for her. 

I have made a list of things my lawyer needs to know, this includes things that can be brought up should my husband try to make me seem unfit in any way. I don't want to go that route but if he does i will have to let others in on his secrets. 

I know what i want to say when i break it to him, i am just nervous about his reaction, i was thinking of asking the lawyer if it would be possible to do it at his office, seeing as i haven't seem him yet these are all still just thoughts. 
The other option is to do it at home and to make sure i record the conversation - i know it sounds drastic or even harsh, but i honestly don't know what he is going to do and like all your comments state, he is very manipulative, i want some proof of what others don't see, should i need it 

With regards to women's shelter - i have a great friend in the area and she has already opened her door should i need it.

I am honestly already feeling more "free", like i can look forward to life again! I have spent the last 9 years trying and in the process i have lost myself, i look forward to being who i was/am  

Thank you for all the advise! 
I will update once i have seen the lawyer


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Maybe don't tell him face to face.

Co sister getting the papers filed. Get moved to the friends house. Then have him served when you are secured within your friends home...don't tell him where you are going. Make sure your phone isn't set to the setting where he can track where you are...same for any laptop or tablet you may own.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Best of luck to you. 

You're doing the right thing for yourself and also for your children.


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