# Ok... course of action needed here. At least advice.



## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

Read my earlier posts (wife checked out)

We started counseling. She was honest and didn't change her story or hit me with any new shockers. This is all an EA right now but she has told me and she told the counselor that she is ready to move on that she doesn't have the physical, emotional passions etc blah blah you all know the story there...

He really worked her over and brought out a lot that she didn't even realize and gave real medical and psychological reasonings for her behavior and said that while it is her choice his opinion is there is way to much for us to save for her to walk away without at least trying.

But he did say the same thing. If she will commit to at least trying she has close the window she opened to him and reopen the door we both closed but she locked.

And that's all I want. A chance at trying. My passion and desire for her has been gone awhile too. But I am willing and want to work hard to bring it back and make it stronger. Learn how to be a couple and not just parents.

We need to at least try... we owe that to our daughter. TO know we didn't just accept and run. We fought. 

Our next session is on Tuesday to let all this digest and a wonderful group session starts on Thursday and I want us to start to at the very least become better communicators. 

I am kind of rambling here...very emotional day.

But what do I do? Since she has made it clear the marriage is over (on her end at this point) should I still demand that all contact stop etc. Not sure... confused, hurt still.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

No more tears, no begging, no anger, no chasing her. Tell her to break all contact with the OM. Tell her from now on she needs to carry her weight regarding the kids, cleaning and cooking. Tell her you would like a 3 to 6 month window to see if your marriage can be restored. Continue in therapy. Work on yourself and your daughter. 

On a personal note. I have been married for 30 years. My wife use to give me the face when I asked for sex (like she had eaten something bitter). It really hurt. When my youngest daughter left home, I finally told her that I wasn't going to hang around for another 30 years if that's what I was to expect when I wanted to make an investment in our relationship. I told her that we were free to either be happy together or find it apart, which ever we decided. It really made her think on what she wanted. Things have been so much better since our talk. No one should be taken for granted and be expected to just be satisfied with what ever the other is willing to "allow" them. 

If your wife cannot come around. Don't worry about your daughter. Take the next few months to show her how much YOU love her aside from your wife. She will adjust. Life is never free from pain, but as long as you are there for her when she is down, that's the important thing. I am sure you would not want your daughter to remain in a relationship where she was not respected or cherished. I am sure she would not want the same for you. Good luck.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

I dont cry tears for the loss of my wife... I cry because my daughter is helpless in all this. She is going to be hurt and it kills me.


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## GlowinWish (Sep 10, 2010)

as long as you tell your daughter you love her and are always there for her and checking on her just to see how things are going for her throughout her life, she will know she has you all the way. still offer what initfortheduration has suggested to your wife, but if your wife says no and still has no interest in continuing the marriage, you will have answers when your daughter is grown and has any questions. you tried and that's the best you can do. and once you try and it doesn't work, you are free from the responsibility to keep acting like you care for the wife.. the only responsibility is to always keep caring for your daughter... from a woman's perspective.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> Tell her to break all contact with the OM. Tell her from now on she needs to carry her weight regarding the kids, cleaning and cooking. Tell her you would like a 3 to 6 month window to see if your marriage can be restored. Continue in therapy. Work on yourself and your daughter.


I would say basically the same as this. Don't chase her. Let her know that you forgive her, you want to try to make this work. But in order to do so it means no contact, continued counselling, changes for both of you, and a 3-6 month window to see if it can work. 

The biggest/most important thing is to work on yourself, become self confident, strong, independent and able to find a happy life with or without her. Together is the best option - not just for your daughter but it just is. But if not, you need to find the strength in yourself to be able to stand on your own both for yourself and for your daughter. This also usually does act as an attraction back to you from the wandering spouse in my experience and opinion.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

yeah... I am getting there on all this. Right now she is going to counseling with me. Probably to placate me right now but hey it gets her there and talking. Brilliant Family Psychologist. So for now I am letting this play out for now but I am formulating my plan and actions should she try to stop counseling, talking or move this faster along. And that plan pretty much is what all of you have said above. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

I am also not sure if she realizes that it will be months before any real motion can happen anyway. We are not and could not be ready to sell our house before the new year, who knows how long it will take to sell in this economy. We have to support each other right now so we might as well work on it in that time anyway. 

Of course i am not living in a fantasy world right now...


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

One thing I will say is that when I first was posting here and was in the "help me" mode, I had a concern/hurt/worry over the fact that she was only working on it because of the kids. I say this because you mention that you think that she is only doing it for you. 

Something someone, maybe AC (can't remember) said to me at the time was this - so *what*, it doesn't matter what her motivations her, what matters is that she is doing it. Any work on the relationship, any positive steps are just that - positive steps and they are something that we can build on. She may not be where you would like her to be yet - but she is at least working (in some small way) on moving there. 

Now she may never get there, I can't promise results. But what I can say is this - don't harp on her or complain about being upset by her motivations for this not being what you would want them to be. Accept any positive steps for what they are - positive steps - and keep doing your part of setting boundaries, changing yourself, and doing what you can. Work your plan and let it work itself out.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

I am going to try my hardest to stop all the "I'm devastated", "WHy are you destroying our family", etc etc. talk. Time to start holding my ground and making a plan. part of that plan includes just letting things start to play out right now. He lives far away (NY) we are in NC. THis will only be an EA for a long time.

I am going to let our counselor / psychologist keep drawing emotion and communication out of her. I am going to try and be the same great husband and father I have been and not go overboard. But at the same time I am going to start working on my faults.

Question: Should I get my own counselor to start working on myself and to talk about about my own thoughts and fears? Separate of our joint counselor? Same person? 

While she agrees to see a counselor with me I will let it play that way, no demands yet. I need to do a lot of planning, scripting and writing so I can stay focused and on task. I know me, very emotional, quick to talk etc. I need to make sure I strengthen myself.

Going to get a 5 subject notebook today and section it off as a journal and start writing. My faults, My Fears, Random Thoughts, Therapy Notes etc.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If you can keep your emotions in check around her that will help a lot. You are free to fully express them writing in a journal or while working out. Anger is great fuel for a run or lifting. 

The endorphines from exercise are great for sanity. 

And worst case if you are not calm around her - just don't talk. Learn how to shrug and defer a discussion until you can have it calmly and in control. In general women react very badly to overly emotional/highly talkative guys. 




Lpt51173 said:


> I am going to try my hardest to stop all the "I'm devastated", "WHy are you destroying our family", etc etc. talk. Time to start holding my ground and making a plan. part of that plan includes just letting things start to play out right now. He lives far away (NY) we are in NC. THis will only be an EA for a long time.
> 
> I am going to let our counselor / psychologist keep drawing emotion and communication out of her. I am going to try and be the same great husband and father I have been and not go overboard. But at the same time I am going to start working on my faults.
> 
> ...


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Very good advice from Mem. You asked about counselling, I would say this "you need to do what is nescesary to foster positive growth and changes in yourself." For some that is personal therapy. In my case my wife needed and sought some individual counselling and I was fine and able to make changes without it (other than just a little bit of tlaking and counseling with my pastor). In listening to you I think that it might help you to have someone to talk things out with and help make sense of some of the emotions you are going through, and all of that type of stuff. 

Mem's mention of exercise is very good. I actually lost a lot of weight during this, just like he(she?) said - it was great fuel for me to run.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL - he

So here is the "real explanation" for what a woman means by wanting a "sensitive" man. By the way - this is NOT a complaint, I love women and love my W. A lot of the reason she loves ME is that I understand the code of behavior. 

Lets start with how this works in the typical family - "I recognize there are large variances from average". 

The woman is wired to care for and nurture the young and the old. She is more aware of their needs and generally more considerate and helpful to them. Since she is doing the heavy lifting for that group of people the core question is: "who is taking care of HER emotional needs". While it can be her social circle, ideally it is her H. Worst case he is neutral. Toxic case he is needy - and has now ADDED to her emotional burden. Those marriages are NOT happy. 

The "good sensitive" H makes the effort to help his W with the kids and parents. Listens and is supportive when she vents. And he finds a way to radiate a positive, upbeat/fun vibe around her most of the time. 

This same "sensitive" guy - has a thick skin where he himself is concerned. He doesn't let the little stuff get him wound up. He doesn't fly off the handle easily. He has excellent emotional control. When W or kids or parents provoke him he doesn't flip out. He just says in a surprised, irritated voice "why would you think I would be ok with you doing THAT?" and if needed "I would NOT do that to you". This is called having boundaries and demanding respect. When the female attempts emotional bullying (women are smaller, they are more inclined to emotional warfare than physical warfare), he stays calm and says "that is not acceptable to me" and then conveys some serious ugly body language to reinforce the point. 

The overly emotional guy who wants to talk at length about his feelings - this guy kills romance, passion and respect. 

I have a simple rule - if my W can read that I have had a bad day - I give her the very brief "long day - difficult client - nothing a quick run won't heal" with a smile. If she wants to know more she can ask. If she asks I tell her. But I try to inject some humor into it. Lets face it, no one wants to be around a negative, long winded, whiny person. It drags you down. And honestly most of the stuff the average person deals with during the day is not life threatening/life altering. It is small stuff and should be treated accordingly. 







HopeinHouston said:


> Very good advice from Mem. You asked about counselling, I would say this "you need to do what is nescesary to foster positive growth and changes in yourself." For some that is personal therapy. In my case my wife needed and sought some individual counselling and I was fine and able to make changes without it (other than just a little bit of tlaking and counseling with my pastor). In listening to you I think that it might help you to have someone to talk things out with and help make sense of some of the emotions you are going through, and all of that type of stuff.
> 
> Mem's mention of exercise is very good. I actually lost a lot of weight during this, just like he(she?) said - it was great fuel for me to run.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

I lost a lot of weight but not because I exercised; it was because I couldn't eat right for 3-5 weeks. I couldn't sleep either. W gained weight during this and slept till 9 a.m. Anyways, enough about that. I can tell you what worked and didn't work for me: don't talk about the EA at all it won't go anywhere. She will have cover up stories. Ask about her dreams for the future and if she sees you in it.

M.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

Going to start hitting the gym tomorrow! It should help. Interesting *almost* normal weekend. No discussion whatsoever about the counseling session or any real discussions at all. Giving us both time to digest that session and being home after three weeks away (where I caught her EA via email...)

Also got a notebook / journal. Going to brain dump in it tonight.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

Today we took our daughter to big day at the museum she loves. But something clicked today... I am not sure if could love or trust her anymore after this. I am not sure if I am trying to save this marriage so we don't have to break our daughters heart or if I truly want to keep my wife in my heart and soul. When I tried small shows of affection she definitely shied away and even I was like "why are you touching her?" I found myself thinking "You want to throw everything away just like that? Then **** you..."

Just confused I guess...


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