# Wife left me due to my addiction and violence, has PTSD



## throwaway84 (Nov 7, 2019)

I have known my wife since we were in our teens. I am 27 now and she is 29.

I was addicted to drugs for the better part of our relationship. This led to me dropping out of school, not holding down a job, and getting violent on several occasions. I never hit her, but I have pushed her and held her down, cut myself in front of her, and broken down doors.

In March 2018, she finally left me, but we stayed in contact and we got back together (sort of) in November 2018. I say "sort of" because she moved in with me but insisted on having her own bed and refused to have sex with me, insisting that I wait until she felt "ready." I was unable to cope with this and I went back to using drugs and having violent outbursts. It got so bad that in February of this year she moved out, left the country, and moved back to South America with her parents. At the time, she said she wanted a divorce and asked me never to contact her again. I literally drove her out of an entire country.

I did a lot of work this year trying to change myself. I have not used drugs since February and I am able to hold down a job.

My wife moved back to the US in June and for a little while we were seeing each other again, but this did not last long because I had a moment of weakness where I went back to acting like my old self. This re-opened all the old wounds and she didn't speak to me for 2 months.

After 2 months, we started communicating again through email. Because she means so much to me, I would sometimes panic if I didn't hear back from her right away. I would fear the worst (that I would never hear from her again). Last week, after I had done her a big favor, I emailed her and she didn't respond. I immediately feared the worst and started messaging her demanding to know why she wasn't responding. This was enough to put her over the edge. She messaged me back VERY angrily and started bringing up all the stuff I had done in the past (drugs and violence). Since then, she has not wanted to talk and I don't know for certain that she ever will.

In the time we've been apart, she has always waited for me and she has never dated or been with anyone else. But I worry that, as more and more time goes by, at some point her natural instincts will kick in and she will want to be with someone. It's been almost 2 years since we've been intimate.

This is a very hard situation for me to handle. She means absolutely everything to me. "Moving on" (whatever that means) is not an option for me. I know she still has very strong feelings for me, but she is very traumatized by everything that happened.

She has always been somewhat emotionally fragile. This is because she got very sick when she was 15 and needed a kidney transplant. She never fully recovered emotionally from that experience. I am trying my best to give her the time and space she needs, but I am also recovering from my own issues. And as you can see, any little thing I do wrong (such as getting a little anxious when she doesn't respond to my texts) immediately triggers her to start re-living all the horrible things that happened between us. It's like she has PTSD or something. Anything that reminds her of what happened causes her to re-live it in her head as if it were happening all over again. I can try to reason with her and explain to her that I have not used drugs for almost a year, I am not that person anymore, etc., but it doesn't do any good. In her mind, she is constantly re-living everything that happened.

I want to be there for her if she is going through a hard time, but I just don't know what to do. I can spend months being nice and respectful to her and trying to build back what we had, but one wrong word from me causes her to re-live all the bad times and ruins everything. I want to have faith that she is there waiting for me (and the fact that she still talks to me after all this time suggests she very well might be), but I don't know how much more time we can stay in this situation before she decides to move on for good.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

No, it you dude you need to check yourself into rehab. And therapy for you first. You have too much self destruction and are toxic to others. You try to justify your actions with intent and that never works. Fix you first.


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## throwaway84 (Nov 7, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> No, it you dude you need to check yourself into rehab. And therapy for you first. You have too much self destruction and are toxic to others. You try to justify your actions with intent and that never works. Fix you first.


Of course it's my fault. What makes you think I'm trying to justify my actions?

I think I was very honest and straightforward about everything I've done wrong.

In fact, if I believed this was all her fault and I didn't feel guilty, the separation would be a lot easier to accept. It is precisely because it is my fault that I feel the way I do. I can't just "move on" and pretend things will be OK after having lost someone so close to me due to my own mistakes and f*ck-ups.

Also, why should I check myself into rehab when I have a job and I haven't touched drugs since February?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

The very fact that you say you can't "move on" tells me that you still have an obsession for her that, given your prior behavior, seems dangerous. To be frank, if I was her I'd disappear from your life. I've always told people that you should never be in a relationship with someone that can't live independently of you. Given that you can't see yourself living independently of her, I'd advise her to avoid any type of relationship with you.

You need to work on you. It's not enough to not be on drugs and to have a job. Those are baseline things that just say that you might be a functioning adult. If you want successful relationships, you have to learn to be your own person who can get by physically and emotionally on your own. If you require someone else to make you whole, your relationships are doomed.

Good luck. I believe that you can do it if you try.


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## throwaway84 (Nov 7, 2019)

FalCod said:


> If you require someone else to make you whole, your relationships are doomed.


I believe that ideally, in a marriage, the other person becomes a part of you. You do make each other whole. You treat each other like family. To lose the other person would be like losing a child or a brother. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling like this.

If she were to leave me because she fell in love with another man (or for any other reason that clearly wasn't my fault) then it would be a lot easier to move on. I could just tell myself "she's a b*tch" and it would be easier to just hate her. The reason why I can't see myself moving on is because I know this is all my fault. I know I made her suffer. I will likely never have a family of my own (and it is likely she won't either) and it is my fault. I will never get over that.

It's kind of like if I lost a child. If my (hypothetical) child died from a disease, it would be devastating but I would eventually get over it. But if my child died because I got drunk and ran him over with my car, I don't think I would ever get over it. And I think it's normal to feel that way.

I would have to be some kind of sociopath to be able to drive my wife away the way I did and then just move on with my life like everything is A-OK.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sorry but you are the problem. Drugs and violent behavior. When she came back in June, that was your last chance. You failed. 

You cannot be there for her - because you are more of a problem than a help. you are not someone she can rely on, not now and probably not ever because you failed that last chance. 


I'm sorry to be direct, but that is how I see it. 

You need to fix yourself. That may be through treatment programs or therapy. Then you need to stay fixed, not for months but for the rest of your life. 

When you have gone say 5 years without any problems you can start looking for someone. 

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I really am, but you are not able to be a positive influence in someone else's life the way you are now. 





throwaway84 said:


> SNIP
> 
> My wife moved back to the US in June and for a little while we were seeing each other again, but this did not last long because I had a moment of weakness where I went back to acting like my old self. This re-opened all the old wounds and she didn't speak to me for 2 months.
> 
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Congratulations on staying clean since February.

.........................................................................

I am having this odd thought, that 'she' is somehow the trigger for your drug abuse. 

Every time the two of you get together you slip and hide behind drugs. You do this for whatever reason. 
A defense mechanism.

You keep failing, knowing that this is cementing the gulf between you and her.

I suspect that your response is some sort of unconscious reaction to her. 
She triggers you.

Note: SHE IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS.

You, in turn, keep playing that old worn out (woe is me,) song. 
As if, you are punishing her for some failing on your part. 
Punishing her by getting high and out of control. 

Making yourself pitiful in front of her, asking her for help.

You do this only with her. 
Why? 

Because you feel comfortable with her. 
Comfortable that she will, once again tolerate your misbehavior. 
And give you that pity that no one else would never do. 

Are you having some sort of OCD response to your wife. A PTSD response?

Maybe you need to figure out this response to her. 
Something about her, in her, rubs you the wrong way. 

It subconsciously reminds you of what? 
Are you trying to get even with her over something?

Or, did someone else hurt you and your wife brings those emotions out?

I would stay away from her until you figure this out. 

Yes, she may find another man.
Is that so bad?

Why?

Are only your feelings and needs important, not hers?



Lilith-




Ask yourself why?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i think you're going to have to give her up.

i know it's going to be tough. really tough. it's going to be like going through withdrawals. you love her. think you can't live without her, but you can.

i've been through something like that. where i loved a woman so much, the thought of giving her up was almost unthinkable. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life.
but my last act of love for her, was to give her up. i said goodbye to her in my minds eye and slowly let go of her hand in my minds eye and said goodbye. forever. and that's what happened. it was forever.

i balled my eyes out for days, weeks, but i got through it somehow. so can you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

To be honest, if you really love her, the kindest thing would be to let her go and stop contacting her. Oh and yes you can move on, many have to.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

throwaway84 said:


> I believe that ideally, in a marriage, the other person becomes a part of you. You do make each other whole. You treat each other like family. To lose the other person would be like losing a child or a brother. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling like this.


That's not love, that's codependency. Which is common in relationships with addicts.



> I would have to be some kind of sociopath to be able to drive my wife away the way I did and then just move on with my life like everything is A-OK.


Think about it this way: if you loved her, would you want her to be with you? Someone with addiction issues and a history of violence towards her? You were abusive enough towards her that you gave her PTSD.

Encourage her to get help, and encourage her to move on from you. You will both be better off. Being sober since Feb is fantastic... but it's a drop in the bucket.

You need to get your whole life under control before you ever get in another relationship, and she needs to heal from you. So please... let her do that and you focus on you.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

She needs to stay away from you.

You want reward for not doing something you shouldn't have done in the first place. 
That's a very unhealthy attitude.
She needs to stay away from you.

You won't stop doing other things you shouldn't do in the first place.
That is very unhealthy behavior.
She needs to stay away from you.

You want what you want, and nothing and no one else matters.
That's very unhealthy selfishness.
She needs to stay away from you.

You keep trying to control her with anger and intimidation.
That is abuse, and abuse is unhealthy.
She needs to stay away from you.

You keep doing the same old things over and over but don't think she's supposed to remember them.
That is an unhealthy lack of self control and blaming her for normal human behavior.
She needs to stay away from you.

You downplay your actions and call them "every little thing I do."
That is unhealthy dismissal of your own actions.
She needs to stay away from you.

You don't want her to move on from your unhealthy existence in her life.
That is a very unhealthy sense of love because it's not love at all.
She needs to stay away from you.

You need therapy for all the above.
You need rehabilitation for drug abuse even if you are not using drugs right now.
You need to leave her alone and move on.

And she needs to stay away from you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

throwaway84 said:


> Of course it's my fault. What makes you think I'm trying to justify my actions?
> 
> I think I was very honest and straightforward about everything I've done wrong.
> 
> ...


No, you may not be using right not, but you are still sick. 

In your posts you talk about your using, issues and relapse, all the while trying to hold on to a woman that should have left you YEARS AND YEARS ago... 

If you loved her like you say you do, you would let her go, but you don't, so you won't...

In your post you never talk about why you are an addict, what you have found out in therapy about yourself or anything about fixing yourself. 

You sound like an addict that is white knuckling sobriety and trying to figure out a why to get your wife back. 

That is not how it any of this works. You are mentally sick for some reason, and not only do you need to not use drugs but you need to figure out what your problems are, and they are not that your wife left you... 

Is this making sense to you?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Reading through the responses, I see you came here to argue. She has finally gotten away and is not available for you to abuse and control, so you found a whole internet forum full of people to argue with and show how your opinion is superior to theirs. You need medication.


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## throwaway84 (Nov 7, 2019)

delete


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Marduk said:


> That's not love, that's codependency. Which is common in relationships with addicts.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


BAM! This post completely nails it. Read this and let it sink in. 

1 - Being completely emotionally dependent on someone is not healthy. 
2 - You're in a jacked up state in your life and if you love this person, you will want them to find someone better. What you keep saying is that you love yourself more than her and want her for your sake.


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## throwaway84 (Nov 7, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> No, you may not be using right not, but you are still sick.
> 
> In your posts you talk about your using, issues and relapse, all the while trying to hold on to a woman that should have left you YEARS AND YEARS ago...


Yes, of course she should have left me years and years ago. I never said she was wrong for wanting to leave, given my behavior at the time. I blame myself and nobody else for the situation I am in.



BluesPower said:


> If you loved her like you say you do, you would let her go, but you don't, so you won't...


I don't think it's possible to love your wife so much that you are OK knowing she left you and ended up with another man. That's not really how romantic love works. Jealously and possessiveness are natural things for a man in this situation to feel.

If I find her on Facebook in 5 years and it turns out she has married and started a family with another man, am I supposed to be happy for her? I'm sorry, it's just not in my nature.



BluesPower said:


> In your post you never talk about why you are an addict, what you have found out in therapy about yourself or anything about fixing yourself.
> 
> You sound like an addict that is white knuckling sobriety and trying to figure out a why to get your wife back.
> 
> ...


I was an addict because I was introduced to hard drugs when I was 18 and I had a lot of unresolved issues (anxiety, depression, family problems) at that time in my life. I thought I could use drugs occasionally and that I would not get addicted, and by the time I realized it was a problem, it was too late.


And yes, of course I have lots of problems other than my wife leaving me. Why do you think she left in the first place? It wasn't because she got bored. It was because she was tired of dealing with my problems.




StarFires said:


> Reading through the responses, I see you came here to argue. She has finally gotten away and is not available for you to abuse and control, so you found a whole internet forum full of people to argue with and show how your opinion is superior to theirs. You need medication.


Where did I argue? I didn't argue with anyone as far as I can tell, and there was plenty of negative responses to my OP.

I am a recovering drug addict and I lost the person who matters most to me. I may never get her back. Why would I waste my time trying to show a whole internet forum full of people how my opinion is superior to theirs? Is that gonna bring her back? No, it isn't.

I was just looking for some advice. I appreciate everyone's advice who replied, including the negative and harsh responses I got. If you don't have any advice except to tell me I'm "abusive" and "need medication," maybe you should just keep your opinion to yourself.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

throwaway84 said:


> delete


You admit that you were an addict. For you to become an addict in the first place, something in your brain was not right (or broken as some people say). NO-ONE BLAMES YOU for what is not right in your BRAIN - what they do though is hold you accountable for #1 - finding out what is wrong #2 finding out how to fix it. Just because you have stopped USING for now, does not mean you will not relapse - and when you do - YOU ABUSE - period.

Most people who are addicts - even when they learn what is wrong - even when they stop using - NEED SUPPORT - that is what Alcoholic Anonymous is for - YOU NEED THIS. FIND ONE NEAR YOU - this is step ONE for making yourself a better person. 

You asked if you can ever have a healthy relationship - I SAY ODDS ARE COMPLETELY AGAINST YOU WITHOUT SUPPORT. Until you find this - I hope your first love - who you are completely - unhealthily obsessed with STAYS AWAY FROM YOU!!!


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## throwaway84 (Nov 7, 2019)

FalCod said:


> What you keep saying is that you love yourself more than her and want her for your sake.


Of course I want her for my sake. That doesn't mean I want to hurt her. Ideally I would care for her and be good to her. But of course I want her for my sake and I would never want to see her with another man. Anyone in my situation who tells you differently is lying.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Aspydad said:


> You admit that you were an addict. For you to become an addict in the first place, something in your brain was not right (or broken as some people say). NO-ONE BLAMES YOU for what is not right in your BRAIN - what they do though is hold you accountable for #1 - finding out what is wrong #2 finding out how to fix it. Just because you have stopped USING for now, does not mean you will not relapse - and when you do - YOU ABUSE - period.
> 
> Most people who are addicts - even when they learn what is wrong - even when they stop using - NEED SUPPORT - that is what Alcoholic Anonymous is for - YOU NEED THIS. FIND ONE NEAR YOU - this is step ONE for making yourself a better person.
> 
> You asked if you can ever have a healthy relationship - I SAY ODDS ARE COMPLETELY AGAINST YOU WITHOUT SUPPORT. Until you find this - I hope your first love - who you are completely - unhealthily obsessed with STAYS AWAY FROM YOU!!!


This^^. Well said Aspy.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

throwaway84 said:


> Of course I want her for my sake. That doesn't mean I want to hurt her. Ideally I would care for her and be good to her. But of course I want her for my sake and I would never want to see her with another man. Anyone in my situation who tells you differently is lying.


Well, your still selfish and only think what you want is most important to keep you happy. It's just like the drunk that kills a innocent family while he drives drunk. Sobers up alittle and proclaims " l really didn't mean to do that, l promise and cross my heart". Can you relate to this? If not ! Then this is the reason why you can't see what others here or your wife see's but you don't.

This is the cost of you! Screwing up your life and your wife. We see you want her, but come-on man you f'd up and now it's time to pay the fiddler. Too bad you didn't love her enough for you to seek help. Most people suffer with childhood trauma. But you have to want to live a different life than what you was dealt, and vow to yourself that you would never do this to another human. And here you are? Your writing checks you can't cash. Your withdrawn on your marriage account.

It's just a fact now, you just have a excuse for everything. And you think everyone is out to get you. They are not, and l am not. I am just putting this on you! And no one else, especially your wife any other normal woman would have done long time ago. And yet you have a have disbelief because people don't cower when you make statements. Because what you do to you wife is ABUSE her in so many ways, you just can not see or believe.

What your going through is what adults do accept the responsibility for your actions, and move and grow from that point. How many times to you believe people needs to give you a break you believe because you suffered that it's enough to let you skate, no life isn't like that. Break free and start from this lesson you created. Be that responsible adult you may want to be.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

throwaway84 said:


> Yes, of course she should have left me years and years ago. I never said she was wrong for wanting to leave, given my behavior at the time. I blame myself and nobody else for the situation I am in.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

It is good that you are working on yourself. Stay on that path, for yourself and your next love.

Your wife was already fragile, as you said, and you further traumatized her. When she gave you another chance, you traumatized her again.

She is not going to get over being triggered by you. You are her trigger.

Let her go. She will find new love, with someone she isn't traumatized by.

Have you been to rehab, or Narcotic Anonymous meetings? If not, you need to learn tools to help you not use drugs, and abuse people you love.

After you've learned a "program" for not using drugs, you can be in a relationship.

When you find a new love, stay with your program. If something happens and you feel unable to cope with the situation, go to a NA meeting, call your sponser or a friend. Do what you were taught.

You can get well. But you can't have her anymore. You ruined it. Love her by letting her go.


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## jakardon (Jul 22, 2021)

Well, trust me, I understand you, dude! I have been in a similar situation a couple of years ago. Trust me, rehabilitation and a therapy course are precisely what you need. Only after that will you be able to get back to everyday life!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat has asked his nephew, the Welsh cat Hywel ap Rees, to close down this Zombie thread. However, as Hywel was busy doing cat stuff, he was somewhat delayed.


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