# I've changed. Can I ask him to?



## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

I will celebrate 17 years since having my first beer with my husband in 3 months (if we're still together). I almost didn't marry him because he drinks so much. I decided that since he was a "happy/absent drunk" I would go ahead.

I began to drink more and more. He is getting more and more grumpy and is drinking more too. After many stops and starts, I quit cold turkey and haven't had a drink for 7 months.

I'm realizing that I don't always like his personality and his criticisms of me when he's drinking. I want to do more active things. I feel like I"m thinking and acting differently (for the better). He's upset because I am changing and that I don't want to engage in drinking or be around him much when he is.

Our relationship is now on the rocks. He has told me he might cut back but will never quit. I am less and less comfortable being in a drinking environment every single day and for all of our activities to include drinks. He won't do anything with me if it interrupts his drinking and definitely not if he has to be sober.

I wonder if this is the time to ask him to join me in couples' therapy. I want to discuss my feelings about what's happening in our home. He has always said he doesn't believe in therapy, and there's a good chance he'll say let's throw in the towel before sitting in a room with a psychologist. 

Am I being selfish by asking him to change, when I'm the one who changed? When we sign up for marriage, do we commit to whoever our partners become or remain the same? Do I buck up and admit that the world drinks (although maybe not as heavily) and that I should just sit on the couch with him like usual and also ignore the personality shifts that come with drinking?


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i think it is selfish to ask him to change entirely... BUT i dont think that it's selfish to ask him to cut back. i'm not saying set a schedule.. but maybe he could just drink on the weekends.. or when he out with his buddies (and has a DD). 

i drank a LOT when i first met my hubs.. and i realized real quick that he didnt like it. i cut back significantly once i realized that it was sort of a deal breaker for him. but he never asked me to change.. i did it to keep him. 

now i only drink on saturday nights when he's out with his friends. and it works out for us (except when i send him random drunk messages which really annoys him). 

there is a way to have a happy balance... but he will need to cooperate. 

good luck hun, and congrats for quitting!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can ask, sure, but you can't _make_ him change. And before you ask, make sure you are clear in your own mind what your actions will be depending on the choice he makes. If he cuts down but doesn't cut it right out, is that acceptable without resentment on your part? Is it a dealbreaker? Is not going to MC a deal breaker? Answer these questions for yourself before you talk to him, and make absolutely sure he knows exactly what action you will take based on his decisions.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I don't think it's about asking him to change. You can't control what he does or doesn't do and you're really not in charge of making sure he does or doesn't drink and when or where. You're his wife after all and not his mommy.

You can invite him to come along with your new lifestyle. Invite him to do the new fun things you're doing. Invite him to come to therapy with you. But if he doesn't choose to, go ahead anyway instead of sitting on the couch watching him drink.

The real question is whether you're willing to live with this dynamic for the rest of your life. What are you willing to put up with and what are the limits to your tolerance? He's making the choice to drink rather than to take part in your family, what choices will you make as a consequence of that?


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

Thank you. It is so scary to ask these questions, but I appreciate the feedback. I need to make decisions that are a lot more decisive than I usually am. But I understand that it will help remove all of the insecurities and resentment that can build up.


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

rainbow12 said:


> I will celebrate 17 years since having my first beer with my husband in 3 months (if we're still together). I almost didn't marry him because he drinks so much. I decided that since he was a "happy/absent drunk" I would go ahead.
> 
> I began to drink more and more. He is getting more and more grumpy and is drinking more too. After many stops and starts, I quit cold turkey and haven't had a drink for 7 months.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's selfish for you to ask him to change because it's a change for the better. If he started doing heroin, would you stick around for that? 

Asking him to couples counseling sounds like a plan. You don't sign up to be mistreated and belittled. And if that's who he is and what he does when he's drunk, baby you can do bad all by yourself. 

You have made a tremendous leap into something positive and want him to join you. That is NOT selfish. Drinking to excess and having EVERYTHING YOU DO involve drinking is alcoholism. Period. 

You take care of YOU. I know it's easy for me to say leave him. But life is too short. You could be closing yourself off from the many glorious things that could happen to you outside of your marriage, if you don't try to get him to change within the marriage. You are strong. Seven months is amazing! And all by yourself. YOU GO, GIRL! And you do what is best for YOU. I'm rootin' for ya.


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> You can ask, sure, but you can't _make_ him change. And before you ask, make sure you are clear in your own mind what your actions will be depending on the choice he makes. If he cuts down but doesn't cut it right out, is that acceptable without resentment on your part? Is it a dealbreaker? Is not going to MC a deal breaker? Answer these questions for yourself before you talk to him, and make absolutely sure he knows exactly what action you will take based on his decisions.


1000% agree :iagree:


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

When I met my h I was 19 yrs old. I'm now 45 yrs old. I'm not the same person (and neither is he), in many ways, that i was when we first met.

The hope is that as you get older and mature your spouse will also change and want the same things as you. But this isn't a given.

It sounds as though you have grown up and he is still living the same life he did when you met...probably when he was a teen. He may be emotionally 'stuck' in this time...

He 'could' change if he wanted to... but does he want to?

I married my man knowing he was a social drinking, meat eating, non-religious fun guy. If he became a tee-totaling, vegan, Buddhist monk i wouldn't have to join him. I might even feel ripped off...

When we enter the marriage contract we are agreeing to certain conditions. We all have to allow for change but BIG change does need to be negotiated and agreed upon.

We both smoked when we met... we both gave up about 10 years ago. Together. We made an agreement and we stuck with it. It made us stronger doing this together.

Good luck..it sounds as though your on the road to a healthier life...


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> I don't think it's about asking him to change. You can't control what he does or doesn't do and you're really not in charge of making sure he does or doesn't drink and when or where. You're his wife after all and not his mommy.
> 
> You can invite him to come along with your new lifestyle. Invite him to do the new fun things you're doing. Invite him to come to therapy with you. But if he doesn't choose to, go ahead anyway instead of sitting on the couch watching him drink.
> 
> The real question is whether you're willing to live with this dynamic for the rest of your life. What are you willing to put up with and what are the limits to your tolerance? He's making the choice to drink rather than to take part in your family, what choices will you make as a consequence of that?


:iagree:


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## Nicole01 (Jul 31, 2012)

Good luck. You can sit down to have a nice long gentle talk. Unfortunately, he won't chance unless he sees the need to.

Good luck. I wish you well.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As a husband I hope it is ok to jump into this. 

What you need are boundaries. Instead of thinking about "making him change", think about what you are willing to accept within your life. You are like a castle. What are you going to allow to walk through the gate into your courtyard? What are you going to prevent from getting inside the walls? What will you toss back outside the wall if you discover it inside?

Communicate your boundaries and the consequences. This is not attempting to control him, this is telling him what you need and expect. You do not have to tolerate the intolerable. You have the right to decide what you find intolerable.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

Thor said:


> As a husband I hope it is ok to jump into this.
> 
> What you need are boundaries. Instead of thinking about "making him change", think about what you are willing to accept within your life. You are like a castle. What are you going to allow to walk through the gate into your courtyard? What are you going to prevent from getting inside the walls? What will you toss back outside the wall if you discover it inside?
> 
> Communicate your boundaries and the consequences. This is not attempting to control him, this is telling him what you need and expect. You do not have to tolerate the intolerable. You have the right to decide what you find intolerable.


Thank you. I love the visual and the sound advice. It was exactly what I needed to hear right now.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Try Alanon. He sounds like an alcoholic. You cannot change him; only yourself.

Do you have children?

Read "Co-Dependent No More" & good luck.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

I went to an Al-Anon meeting and found it too strange being with the variety of codependence scenarios, and none of them resembling mine. Plus I like interaction, and their method was to listen but not comment. I am listening to Melody Beatty daily, and it is helping.

I don't have children.


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