# Giving an expensive gift to an OSF



## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

Hi all,
I'm new-ish to this community. I found this place after a friend warned me I might be about to make a massive faux pas, and I started searching for ettiquette/opinions.

Basically, I've been married a long time and my husband and I have very relaxed attitudes to OSFs. My husband is still in touch with most of his ex-GFs, and almost all of my friends are men. My "best friend" is a man that I met several years after I married my husband. My friend is engaged. Technically, I've known him longer than his girlfriend has, but we didn't become true friends until long after they started dating.

His girlfriend likes me. We will never be "good friends" because we are as different as you could possibly be, but we know each other and we have a civil relationship. I don't want to ruin that. In fact I'm probably too paranoid about potentially ruining this since in the last five years I've lost a few male friends because their girlfriends didn't like them having OSFs.

My husband has met this OSF and his girlfriend. He doesn't like the OSF, for reasons that are complicated but nothing to do with us being friends (we're all athletes and there's some in-sport politics). He is fine with me being very close friends with him, and he's civil to my friend if he ever comes out when we hang out.

The thing is I'm thinking of giving my friend an expensive (to me) gift - it's worth about $300. I know my friend can't afford this item and he really wants it. The thing is, my friend will know that it's expensive in terms of my financial situation too. I can explain how I found the item and managed to pay for it in a way that he'll understand and think is cool, but I'm worried she won't understand.

We have very different attitudes in terms of money - I'm a "do rounds" or "take turns" kind of person when it comes to stuff like coffees or beers. She is uncomfortable with that. I'll lend people money freely and am casual about getting it back as long as it's a good friendship. She breaks out in a cold sweat if she needs to borrow $20 for a few minutes until she can get to an ATM. I'm worried she'll feel the need to reciprocate this gift - and there's no way she or he could afford to do that.

This gift would be a "I know you've been wanting this for years and years, and I finally found one on sale. Please take it, no strings attached, I just want to see the look on your face when you finally hold one of these in your hands for real" kind of gift.

If an OSF friend of your partner approached you and explained that, how would you feel? Am I worrying too much? I'd appreciate any comments.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't buy him the gift. Your husband does not like him as you mentioned in your post. Expensive gifts are what you give to a spouse, your children, your parents, or siblings. This is definitely a faux pas. You'll appear as if you are pursuing him and you are a married woman.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Sounds like you all are all friends, pretty much. I have OSFs like this. Talk to your husband, ask him what he thinks........unless your trying to be sneaky about it.

PS. I usually just do it, if it's not going to strap me, and go on with life.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

Thanks. I was afraid people would say that. Would the answer change if I said the gift was a limited edition item from several years ago, only a couple of hundred ever made?

I'm trying to be vague because of the slim possibility of someone ever recognizing the post. This isn't a "Hey, you always wanted an iPhone 6+, have one!", it's an item so rare it wouldn't be much of a stretch to call it a once in a lifetime opportunity.

My husband is comfortable with the idea - I found the item when I was looking for something similar (I collect other stuff made by the same company). His instant reaction was "As long as you're spending your own hobby money, do what you like, but I don't want to hear any complaints if [the super rare thing you want] appears tomorrow and you've blown your budget on that thing".

I asked him if he'd give it from the both of us (the most obvious way to make it a "safe" gift) but he basically said he'd feel like a hypocrite doing that because he doesn't like the guy. In his eyes (he's pretty clueless about "signals"), I'm the friend, I know he wants it, I found it, I give the gift. 

I have a few days to decide. If there was some way to give this that was socially acceptable, I'd do it, but if there's not...


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

saubryn said:


> I have a few days to decide. If there was some way to give this that was socially acceptable, I'd do it, but if there's not...


That kind of a gift is way too much for a friend and as Roselyn said sends the wrong message. It may also alter his feelings for you as a result in a way that is not marriage friendly. Better to leave this one ungiven.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Definitely not (and the answer wouldn't change no matter what it is). 

If it were a nominal amount and the two of you routinely did that sort of thing then maybe okay. But that's not the situation so pretend you never saw it. Better that way.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

saubryn said:


> Hi all,
> I'm new-ish to this community. I found this place after a friend warned me I might be about to make a massive faux pas, and I started searching for ettiquette/opinions.
> 
> Basically, I've been married a long time and my husband and I have very relaxed attitudes to OSFs. My husband is still in touch with most of his ex-GFs, and almost all of my friends are men. My "best friend" is a man that I met several years after I married my husband. My friend is engaged. Technically, I've known him longer than his girlfriend has, but we didn't become true friends until long after they started dating.
> ...


saubryn, you and your husband decide how to handle OSFs. So long as he has input and is okay then a gift isn't an issue. If he has an issue with it then it's an issue. Very simple.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> If an OSF friend of your partner approached you and explained that, how would you feel? Am I worrying too much? I'd appreciate any comments.


Yeah, it would bother me and I would make an effort for me and my husband to avoid that OSF in the future.

Ive been burned every which way by OSFs. Let's see:

1. Women friends who used me to get to my husband.
2. Women friends of my husband who dissed me.
3. Male friends who c0ckblocked other men that appeared interested in getting to know me.
4. Men who claimed to be just friends with me but then became angry and accused me of leading them on.

Even my husband during our courtship was accused by his special friend of leading her on. It was at the moment when he went in for an open mouth kiss... and she refused him. She went on to praise her ex boyfriend because even though he told that she was only good for a blowjob, well, at least he was honest. 

Wow, the thresholds of decency seem to be pretty low these days.

As for you, Saubryn, you've presented us with a mixed bag. You've lost some male friends to their current girlfriends "because their girlfriends didn't like them having OSFs." Glad you kept that neutral.



> Technically, I've known him longer than his girlfriend has, but we didn't become true friends until long after they started dating.


I was wondering what the point of the above statement is. But also now, what that friendship will look like after he receives a gift from you more expensive and personal than what his fiance will buy him. 

This is one of the issues with havings OSFs, just like having an open marriage. You will be constantly renegotiating each relationships as new ripples take place. ..... which is ironic because that is just as controlling, IF NOT more controlling than just not having OSFs in the first place.

Let us know how things work out if go ahead give this expensive gift that you are referring to.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

saubryn said:


> Thanks. I was afraid people would say that. Would the answer change if I said the gift was a limited edition item from several years ago, only a couple of hundred ever made?
> 
> I'm trying to be vague because of the slim possibility of someone ever recognizing the post. This isn't a "Hey, you always wanted an iPhone 6+, have one!", it's an item so rare it wouldn't be much of a stretch to call it a once in a lifetime opportunity.
> 
> ...


Husband sounds like he's on board with it. Just do it & be happy/thankful you can.

That's what I did


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> As for you, Saubryn, you've presented us with a mixed bag. You've lost some male friends to their current girlfriends "because their girlfriends didn't like them having OSFs." Glad you kept that neutral.


The guys I'm thinking of gave up all of their OSFs pretty much immediately after they got married. There was no animosity on either part, it just sort of happened that not long after the wedding they slowed down on one on one contact, then started vanishing from group mixed gender outings too.

I'm not sure whether the guys felt the same way or woud have asked the same of their new wives. The girls in question weren't really the type to have OSFs - they're all "big girl's night out" types with stereotypically feminine interests who didn't really enjoy going out with their SO's and the mostly male friend group that I was/am still a part of.

I met these guys at university - I was one of only two girls on a computer science course.



NextTimeAround said:


> I was wondering what the point of the above statement is. But also now, what that friendship will look like after he receives a gift from you more expensive and personal than what his fiance will buy him.


I hope that didn't sound negative/competitive or something! It was late at night when I wrote my post. I mentioned the length of the friendship because I know some people are more willing to accept existing OSF friends than they are ones that their SO meets after the relationship starts. A sort of "well, if he/she wanted to date them, then they already would be".

Mine's blurry though because while I have been around a long time I was out of the sport for ages with an injury, and he started dating her during that time. It was only when I came back that we went from casual acquaintances to friends. The first time I met the girlfriend it was at the gym. She's come there a few times since then, and I've noticed she's always suspicious of new girls. 

I feel for her in that it must be hard having a fiance who is athletic whose job includes close physical contact with young, athletic and invariably attractive women. I fit the athletic part but I'm married and butch in both personality and appearance and quite clearly "in it for the sport" so I think that's part of the reason she accepts me.



NextTimeAround said:


> Let us know how things work out if go ahead give this expensive gift that you are referring to.


Thanks. So many people are saying don't do it that I'm really not sure what to do.

I'm 100% confident my friend would take the gift in the spirit it's meant, but his girlfriend reads a lot into things and I don't want to offend her. She's comfortable enough with me now, but it wasn't like that in the early days. She might accept it as "two friends bonding by being nerds over something that costs 3 - 5x what it should because it has a logo on it" or it might but us back to square one.

I'm sorry you've been burned so many times  

A lot to think about.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

flyer said:


> Husband sounds like he's on board with it. Just do it & be happy/thankful you can.
> 
> That's what I did


Thanks.

What happened in your case (assuming you're willing to share)? Was your friend's spouse / partner OK with it?


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

saubryn said:


> Thanks.
> 
> What happened in your case (assuming you're willing to share)? Was your friend's spouse / partner OK with it?



No problem.

To avoid hy-jack, I'll pm you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm sorry, what is an OSF? I mean, I'm getting what it is because I can interpret, but what does it stand for?

ETA: Oh wait, just got it! Opposite Sex Friend???  My coffee finally kicked in!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Saubryn, ask yourself what would you do / how would you feel if your husband gave a female friend an expensive and meaningful gift.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

When your friend does marry, can it be a wedding gift from both of you, or is it not a gift that a couple would like?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

saubryn said:


> The guys I'm thinking of gave up all of their OSFs pretty much immediately after they got married. There was no animosity on either part, it just sort of happened that not long after the wedding they slowed down on one on one contact, then started vanishing from group mixed gender outings too.
> 
> I'm not sure whether the guys felt the same way or woud have asked the same of their new wives. The girls in question weren't really the type to have OSFs - they're all "big girl's night out" types with stereotypically feminine interests who didn't really enjoy going out with their SO's and the mostly male friend group that I was/am still a part of.
> 
> I met these guys at university - I was one of only two girls on a computer science course.


We should remember that men don't buy into the OSF thing at the same rate as women do. These guys may be the type who think OSFs are ok when you're single and not OK when you're not. And they don't have to report to you or me when they make that decision. 

I had an ex bf like that. He admitted that he doesn't keep female friends around. So while he was very helpful after we broke up, I stopped hearing from him when he got into a new relationship. Fair enough.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> When your friend does marry, can it be a wedding gift from both of you, or is it not a gift that a couple would like?


I like this idea. I was thinking of something like giving it to his GF, but I like this idea better.

Have you already purchased the gift?


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

intheory said:


> But your husband doesn't like this guy; yet this guy is your "best friend"... It seems very strange to me. But that's just me. If it's working for you as a couple, then I'm glad for you.


It's a complicated situation - we're all athletes taking part in the same sport but it's very political and he trains at a different gym. There's bad blood between the two gyms. We both take the stance that a lot of the drama is over-inflated, but there are definitely cultural differences. He respects the guy, and he's come to support him at a couple of major events if his team mates weren't competing, but he's got no interest in cultivating a friendship and it's better "appearance wise" if he keeps his distance.

It's not uncommon in the sport for families to train at different gyms (people tend to choose the gym that has the most competitors close to their size/weight/the one that has a kid's program if that's relevant). Close friendships within the sport are a bit more rare but my friend and I happened to discover that we share a couple of other obscure interests.

I'd like to clarify that my friend proposed to the girl recently - they are engaged, I'm just typing girlfriend partly out of habit and partly because I keep forgetting whether it's "fiance" or "fiancee"!



flyer said:


> No problem.
> 
> To avoid hy-jack, I'll pm you.


Thanks!



NextTimeAround said:


> Saubryn, ask yourself what would you do / how would you feel if your husband gave a female friend an expensive and meaningful gift.


Honestly, I'd say the same thing my husband said to me. As long as it's coming out of my husband's personal/hobby spending budget (so he's not making us late to pay bills or anything), I wouldn't mind.

If my husband received a gift from a female, it would depend on who it was. For example, my husband is still in passing contact with a few of his ex-girlfriends. If one of them sent him a gift like this completely out of the blue I would most definitely question their motives. He has another much closer only-ever-platonic female friend, and if she did something similar then given the context of their close friendship I'd think it was incredibly thoughtful and sweet of her, and I wouldn't take offense.



Married but Happy said:


> When your friend does marry, can it be a wedding gift from both of you, or is it not a gift that a couple would like?


That would have been a great idea. Unfortunately it's not a "couple gift". It's a tool for a sport, and something that can only be used by one person.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Is there any way to get the fiancee in on it? Like contact her and tell her you found this for him, ask her for a (small) portion of the cost, and let her give it to him? I have been known to do things like that (not in this exact scenario.) I don't even take the "credit" half the time. Because it's not about who gives, it's about the giving.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You wouldn't be posting here for advice if your gut wasn't telling you not to do it. 

So don't do it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Saubryn, ask yourself what would you do / how would you feel if your husband gave a female friend an expensive and meaningful gift.


Took the words out of my mouth. 

OP, this is a great question. How would you feel if your husband's "Best friend" who is female did this for him?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You are conflicted about this but really it's a simple solution.

Just go to you're husband and tell him " hey you know how I am about money was thinking about giving his to my friend." "That ok with you or no" 

He will say no 

Just nod your head in agreement and then don't do it. Problem solved and your husbands opinion validated. All win here


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

I think we need some more details...

What is the gift? Is there any reason you don't want to share this detail? That could have an impact on whether to give it or not.

Have you bought it yet? is $300 a good deal for this gift? What if you suggested it to his GF and split it with her to get him a great gift?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This if from another one of yur posts on TAM in another thread:



saubryn said:


> We have a very relaxed relationship when it comes to stuff like opposite sex friends (*I found this forum looking for thoughts for how to reassure a friend's spouse that I'm not trying to steal their man*.) and boundaries in general. I think the only reason that works is because we're both so open when it comes to communication.


Is this the same friend? (Best friend's fiance?) Or someone else? You said this guy is engaged, not married.



saubryn said:


> I'm new-ish to this community. I found this place after a friend warned me I might be about to make a massive faux pas, and I started searching for ettiquette/opinions.


Did your friend tell you not to do it because it's inappropriate?

Is there more to this story?


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> I like this idea. I was thinking of something like giving it to his GF, but I like this idea better.
> 
> Have you already purchased the gift?


I considered asking the girlfriend if she would give it to him. Unfortunately, I don't think she'd go for that idea.

I haven't bought it yet. The seller is out of town right now and we've been exchanging emails (I had some questions about the authenticity of the item, but they've been resolved to my satisfaction) so I have until Monday to make a decision. 



NextTimeAround said:


> We should remember that men don't buy into the OSF thing at the same rate as women do. These guys may be the type who think OSFs are ok when you're single and not OK when you're not. And they don't have to report to you or me when they make that decision.
> 
> I had an ex bf like that. He admitted that he doesn't keep female friends around. So while he was very helpful after we broke up, I stopped hearing from him when he got into a new relationship. Fair enough.


I know for a fact that it was the girlfriend/wife's decision in at least one case. She had her reasons (strongly religious background) and I respect them. I was very sad to lose that friend (we went from hanging out every night at uni to making a point of seeing each other every weekend after we graduated (and we kept that up for several years), to just special "reunion" meetups. I understand why it happened, but it was still sad. I don't want to contribute to losing another friend through actions I have control over.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

To me, it sounds like you know you shouldn't and you were hoping people here would justify it to you.

Just the very fact that your asking means you know it isn't appropriate.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> This if from another one of yur posts on TAM in another thread:
> 
> Is this the same friend? (Best friend's fiance?) Or someone else? You said this guy is engaged, not married.


That post referred to a different friend (one of the guys from the university group I've mentioned in this post). Over the last few years they've been getting married one by one and it's changed the dynamics a lot. That group used to be two girls and seven guys, but not any more 

To clarify, the best friend from this post and his girl are engaged. It's a completely different social group. I've been avoiding using the word fiance as much as possible because I keep forgetting which gender is fiance and which one is fiancee.

They already live together, have for a couple of years, and talk like they're married, including saying things like "There'd be divorce on the cards if I did X..." Basically, all they're missing is the piece of paper.



Jellybeans said:


> Did your friend tell you not to do it because it's inappropriate?
> 
> Is there more to this story?


Ok, this is the background....

I was browsing some threads about opposite sex friends on here, looking for general thoughts. I commented on some of the posts I'd been reading, and that's when my friend assumed I was talking about the whole gift thing (thinking about it they hardly know the people from uni), and it was pointed out that what I was thinking of doing was, in my friend's eyes "monumentally stupid".

The friend that said that is unrelated to either social group so is respectable as a neutral party, but they're not the most socially adept person (and that's saying something coming from me) so I thought I'd ask for thoughts from people on here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

saubryn said:


> I was browsing some threads about opposite sex friends on here, looking for general thoughts. I commented on some of the posts I'd been reading, and that's when my friend assumed I was talking about the whole gift thing ... and it was pointed out that what I was thinking of doing was, in my friend's eyes *"monumentally stupid"*.


This gave me a chuckle. (The phrasing).



saubryn said:


> The friend that said that is unrelated to either social group so is respectable as a neutral party, but they're not the most socially adept person (and that's saying something coming from me) so I thought I'd ask for thoughts from people on here.


Eh, I wouldn't call your friend "socially adept" for thinking this way about what you are considering doing gift-wise. In fact, you are reading that a lot of folks here think the way your "socially adept friend" does on this matter. 

So you were already researching about OSF and getting thoughts on it makse me think you prob have noticed a lot of folks find it odd or have different boundaries than say, you and your hubby do. 

Only you know what's right in your relationship and what works for you guys. I will say though, your friend's fiance, the woman, is probably going to feel not excited about this. Based on the background information you have given and the fact that you are researching it and wondering and all the tidbits you added about this situation makes me thing she probably isn't going to jump up and down when she finds out what you got if you go through with it.

You still haven't about how you'd feel if your husband's self-described "best female friend" got him a similar gift. I think how you would feel about that may color the situation for you.

Like i said though, it's an individual thing. Just know that his fiance probably isn't going to be So Super Happy.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Do you see a trend here? As your male friends get engaged and married, the relationships with you taper off...many times because of pressure from their SO. Why? Because as you get older and more mature, the focus should be on that new family unit. Mortgages, kids and the stresses of life require that the couple focus on each other. During the inevitable rough times, an OSF can cause a multitude of problems in that relationship. So why put such a high priority on a OSF? 

I'm guessing you and your H are still relatively young. What you could get away with socially in college becomes less appropriate as the years go by.

Honestly, if you gave my H a very personal $300 gift, the gift would be politely returned to you, and you would be quietly and permanently removed from our social circle. 

And for the love of God, if you try to tell one of your male friends' SO's that you are not trying to steal her man...she's immediately going to think you're trying to steal her man. The fact that you are taking so much time and effort to research and justify all of this worries me. My advice would be to forget the gift and focus on your marriage. Marital boundaries are important! Buy a $300 gift for your H if you're feeling generous. Good luck!


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> You are conflicted about this but really it's a simple solution.
> 
> Just go to you're husband and tell him " hey you know how I am about money was thinking about giving his to my friend." "That ok with you or no"
> 
> ...


My husband was there when I saw the gift and he is fine with me purchasing it. He's said outright that he doesn't mind if I get it as long as it's "my money" rather than household money that gets spent on it.

We're self employed in a partnership together. All the money from the business goes into a shared pot to pay bills, and then we take half of what's left each to spend on whatever. He tends to buy lots of smaller things, I'd been saving up for an expensive "treat", but haven't been able to find it.



JukeboxHero said:


> I think we need some more details...
> 
> What is the gift? Is there any reason you don't want to share this detail? That could have an impact on whether to give it or not.
> 
> Have you bought it yet? is $300 a good deal for this gift? What if you suggested it to his GF and split it with her to get him a great gift?


I'm being deliberately vague because real life friends crop up all over the internet and the sport we all play is a small community.

The gift is a limited edition item of sport-specific clothing. There were a couple of hundred of them made as a commemorative item to celebrate the life of a famous practitioner of the sport. The only place you could buy them new was the event they were made for.

I want a similar, but slightly less rare item made by the same company. I have a bunch of searches set up on various auction/collector sites, which is how I found out about this item.

For one of these to come up in the size and color he's been looking for is so unusual it's too good to pass up. 

It's hard to gauge the price because they're so rare and crop up so rarely. I've seen them go for a lot more ($500), but I've seen them go for less too. It's the sort of thing where if you're a collector you just have to take whatever chance you can get to snap it up.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> Took the words out of my mouth.
> 
> OP, this is a great question. How would you feel if your husband's "Best friend" who is female did this for him?


I thought I'd replied about this elsewhere in a multi-quote, sorry...

I'd be fine with my husband getting a similar gift from a close female friend (he has two that would meet that qualification). If it was from a casual acquaintance I'd be less comfortable, but from a close friend I'd think "Wow, where did she find that, that's so awesome!". 

In my mind, a thoughtful one-off special gift from a good friend is just that. If it was a regular occurrence or just a super expensive gift for the sake of it (a watch, an iPhone, whatever), then that's different and could be seen as trying to buy affection or "out-do" the spouse - that's not what this is about, it's just an opportunity to do something cool.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

yeah_right said:


> Do you see a trend here? As your *male* friends get engaged and married, the relationships with you taper off...many times because of pressure from their SO. Saubryn, does your husband find the same trend with his female friends? Why? Because as you get older and more mature, the focus should be on that new family unit. Mortgages, kids and the stresses of life require that the couple focus on each other. During the inevitable rough times, an OSF can cause a multitude of problems in that relationship. So why put such a high priority on a OSF?
> 
> I'm guessing you and your H are still relatively young. What you could get away with socially in college becomes less appropriate as the years go by.
> 
> ...


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Having been burned by the OSF dynamic in my marriage, I would have to say as his fiancee, I would resent like hell another woman giving my Fiancee/boyfriend/husband and expensive gift. 

At this point in my life, if my SO had a friend doing that, I would want that friend gone. 

I also don't trust women who only hang out with men. It's a huge red flag to me if another woman doesn't have girl friends. 

Get yourself some girlfriends to balance out all the men in your life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

saubryn said:


> I'd be fine with my husband getting a similar gift from a close female friend (he has two that would meet that qualification). I
> 
> In my mind, a thoughtful one-off special gift from a good friend is just that.


Figures. Lol. And I say that because it's just that from your POV, you and your hubby are ok with OSFs and you have mostly male friends. 

Again, only you can decide, but based on what you've said about her and him and your relationship dynamic, my guess is she is probably not going to be Super Duper Elated.

Do keep us posted on this situation though. It's fascinating really. You say this guy is your "best friend" and your husband does not like him and the "best friend's" fiance does not seem to like you (or really didn't in the beginning). I personally am not a massive fan of serious relationships where someone says their "best friend" is the OSF. I dated a guy who was "best friends" with a woman, his ex, and it's the reason we stopped dating. It just isn't my bag of Cheetos.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The way I see it you and your hb have very loose boundaries. That's fine if it works for you guys but many people will not share these boundaries. There's no way in hvll that I'd be ok with a woman giving my hb an expensive gift, I don't care how long he's known her. And he doesn't need a female "best friend", any more then I need a male best friend. That's not going to fly with most people. 

You have to think about how you're likely coming across to others, you're a married woman who keeps almost all men friends. That's a red flag right there, women who claim to get along so much better with men typically like the attention and don't want to share it with other women. Even if you're not interested it's still an ego boost from lots of men. 

You may not view it this way but most likely others do. And while his gf might be ok with you on some level don't be surprised if you hear from him less and less as they go on. It isn't appropriate..... you and your hb are the exception here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

saubryn said:


> My husband was there when I saw the gift and he is fine with me purchasing it. He's said outright that he doesn't mind if I get it as long as it's "my money" rather than household money that gets spent on it.
> 
> We're self employed in a partnership together. All the money from the business goes into a shared pot to pay bills, and then we take half of what's left each to spend on whatever. He tends to buy lots of smaller things, I'd been saving up for an expensive "treat", but haven't been able to find it.
> 
> ...


Since it's such a rare, collectible item, and it seems to be a good price, I think it would it be really nice to get it for him. Especially since it's something that your community/circle of friends is involved in.

I would suggest you work with your "community" of people that enjoy said sport, and see if you guys can give him the gift as a community. Plus if you can split the cost with someone else, it would be less of a burden for you.

Whatever you do, though, make sure you adhere to the following!
1. Your Husband is okay with this (don't do it w/o telling him)
2. Make certain someone else is involved in giving it to him. Don't give it to him as a direct gift from YOU to HIM. Make sure at least one other person is involved, preferably your husband or a few friends from your social sporting group.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Here's my opinion....From reading your replies it appears that your friend's fiancee accepts you now that she feels secure in the fact that you aren't "competition" for her man's attention. You can easily ruin this fiancee's comfort level by buying her man that pricey gift out of the blue. As well intentioned as you seem, it may not be received that way by your friend's future-wife.

My opinion is to not buy that gift.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

For my wife and me, a best friend is a best friend. We're the kind that, if we had it, we'd buy our best friends a car, if they needed it.

My wife has a male best friend. He's significantly older than her, but he's like family to her. She just actually went out of town recently to help celebrate his wedding anniversary with him, his wife, and the whole family. Stayed at their home overnight, without me. They embrace her like family and it's all very beautiful.

I would have no compunctions about her dropping 300 bucks on a birthday gift for him. It would be a non-issue for all involved.

That's what it comes down to, your personal boundaries and the boundaries of those involved. Nobody here can dictate your personal boundaries, and those of ALL parties involved.

If you can give the gift freely and everyone, including his fiance, is truly on board than give the gift and cut the drama. But if any party in this exchange is uncomfortable, don't do it. It really is that simple.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Since they are engaged, do you know who the best man will be? Could it be a gift from the groomsmen that you just helped find?

I agree things are good now with you and the fiancee but that could change and you want this couple to be 'couple' friends for a long time, I'm guessing. Even if you, hubby and OSF are all cool, if she isn't, there will be lots of unnecessary friction. It's not going to go bad. You could buy it, hold on to it until the wedding and it can be a gift from the groomsmen that you just helped facilitate. He gets a nice gift, his buds don't have to worry about what to get, you know you helped get this much-appreciated item to him (sans credit) and fiancee and hubby are all good with it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Maybe I missed something... what is the occasion for the gift?

If it is because they are getting married, then a gift just for him is inappropriate for the occasion. The gift should be for both of them.

If it is for some other occasion, then I think it is definitely inappropriate based on cost alone. I don't care how much you like him spending $300 on a "friend", of opposite sex, who is getting married, isn't right.

If it's a one-of-a-lifetime purchase, tell him where it is and if he wants it, he can buy it for himself.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Since they are engaged, do you know who the best man will be? Could it be a gift from the groomsmen that you just helped find?
> 
> I agree things are good now with you and the fiancee but that could change and you want this couple to be 'couple' friends for a long time, I'm guessing. Even if you, hubby and OSF are all cool, if she isn't, there will be lots of unnecessary friction. It's not going to go bad. You could buy it, hold on to it until the wedding and it can be a gift from the groomsmen that you just helped facilitate. He gets a nice gift, his buds don't have to worry about what to get, you know you helped get this much-appreciated item to him (sans credit) and fiancee and hubby are all good with it.


That's a lot to ask anyone, to spend their hard earned money on an "expensive" (a very relative term), very thoughtful gift, and give it to someone else to get the credit, all in the name of some nebulous etiquette reason. That's so absolutely unfair to the giver.

If the gift can't be given freely, face to face, without any issues than the gift really shouldn't be given at all.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I wouldn't bat an eye to spend $300 on my best friend. I get what everyone is saying, but this OSF works for OP and her H. The only one in question is the Fiancee, which OP is rightly concerned over.

I still think they best way to present this gift is to involve others. The Finacee, other friends, whoever! I am like you and would be thrilled to find something for my bestie that she has been wanting just forever. Perhaps you could buy it and sit on it.......find something compareable to give to the fiancee, and then give them as a wedding gift?

Edited to add: In reality, and along the lines with what everyone is saying, your friendship with this fella SHOULD change after he gets married anyway. As he clings more to his wife and new best friend. You wouldn't have to lose it, but it will evolve. And that's ok and how it should be. When my bestie (female) and I were both married, and then both single, and then both in committed relationships, our friendship evolved. It's normal. Our time spent together is much less, but we still are besties. 

So do some research into something that the fiancee will really love along the lines of the gift you want to get for your friend, and incorporate it into an awesome wedding gift for the both of them.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

saubryn said:


> *My husband was there when I saw the gift and he is fine with me purchasing it. He's said outright that he doesn't mind if I get it as long as it's "my money" rather than household money that gets spent on it.
> *
> We're self employed in a partnership together. All the money from the business goes into a shared pot to pay bills, and then we take half of what's left each to spend on whatever. He tends to buy lots of smaller things, I'd been saving up for an expensive "treat", but haven't been able to find it.
> 
> ...


well as strange as that sounds to me if your ok with it and he is ok with it knock yourself out


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> Perhaps you could buy it and sit on it.......find something compareable to give to the fiancee, and then give them as a wedding gift?
> 
> So do some research into something that the fiancee will really love along the lines of the gift you want to get for your friend, and incorporate it into an awesome wedding gift for the both of them.


I'm so glad you said that. That's literally exactly what I was thinking earlier, but wasn't sure the OP was in the financial position to do. A comparable gift would need to be just as well thought out, and of if not equal financial value, similar.

If they can do that? It would alleviate every concern I imagine, especially since the husband, who doesn't want to slap his name on the gift now, shouldn't have any problem doing so as part of a double wedding gift given from married couple to married couple.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> well as strange as that sounds to me if your ok with it and he is ok with it knock yourself out


Doesn't sound remotely strange to me. I think it's important to note that the "never have OSF" threadline here on TAM really isn't any kind of accurate real world reflection. I know in my social circle, which is pretty wide, OSF are _far_ from uncommon. TAM consensus bares so little reflection to my real world, just as I'm sure my real world bares little in common with a lot of yours.

Having said that the issue seems to be more the best friend's fiancee. Seems that's the potential point of contention or discomfort.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'd pass the info onto my friend and let it be up to them (he and his SO) whether they want it enough to buy it or not. That'd be that.

It's just a thing at the end of the day. The stress and hassle isn't worth it.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

I think it is very inappropriate for you as just a friend (even if best friend) to spend that kind of money on a gift. He is not family or a love interest, and I think his finance will rightfully so be very upset for you to get this long desired gift for him. Too personal and too expensive for just a friend to give him. 

With that in mind, why not send a message to both him and his finance saying you came across the item he has wanted for so long and that it is available for the lowest you have ever seen it for. Suggest that if he really a wants it, he might want to jump on it. Give him the link or contact information and let them decide if it is worth pursuing at this time.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

breeze said:


> I'd pass the info onto my friend and let it be up to them (he and his SO) whether they want it enough to buy it or not. That'd be that.
> 
> It's just a thing at the end of the day. The stress and hassle isn't worth it.


I did not read all the replies before I posted, but looks like we had the same idea. Leave it up to them if they want it and let him or her buy it for himself.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

jaquen said:


> For my wife and me, a best friend is a best friend. We're the kind that, if we had it, we'd buy our best friends a car, if they needed it.
> 
> If you can give the gift freely and everyone, including his fiance, is truly on board than give the gift and cut the drama. But if any party in this exchange is uncomfortable, don't do it. It really is that simple.


Yeah, that's the thing. My friend is the same as you. One of his male friends was stuck without a car (and desperately needed one for work) so because he was in the financial situation to do so at the time he gave him enough money to buy an old banger to just get on the road again. He didn't want to do a loan because he knew the friend wouldn't be able to pay it back in a timely fashion, so it was a "right now I can afford this, seriously, don't worry about it" gift. 

His fiancee doesn't share that attitude, so she'd be uncomfortable even if I were a man and giving the gift. Being a female just makes it worse.



EnjoliWoman said:


> Since they are engaged, do you know who the best man will be? Could it be a gift from the groomsmen that you just helped find?


That's a really nice idea! The wedding is a long way off (they want a summer wedding, and they aren't well off, so it will probably be summer 2017 by the time they save up), BUT early next year my friend will be getting a major rank promotion in the sport, and I can think of someone who is well-off, and who is a mentor to him, that could give it as a congratulations gift that would be well-received by all parties.



Chris Taylor said:


> Maybe I missed something... what is the occasion for the gift?
> 
> If it is because they are getting married, then a gift just for him is inappropriate for the occasion. The gift should be for both of them.
> 
> If it's a one-of-a-lifetime purchase, tell him where it is and if he wants it, he can buy it for himself.


No occasion in mind - I was shopping for something for myself and saw it, and had planned on keeping hold of it until his birthday or some other gift-appropriate occasion. He definitely can't buy it himself right now 



GA HEART said:


> I wouldn't bat an eye to spend $300 on my best friend. I get what everyone is saying, but this OSF works for OP and her H. The only one in question is the Fiancee, which OP is rightly concerned over.
> 
> I still think they best way to present this gift is to involve others. The Finacee, other friends, whoever! I am like you and would be thrilled to find something for my bestie that she has been wanting just forever. Perhaps you could buy it and sit on it.......find something comparable to give to the fiancee, and then give them as a wedding gift?
> 
> So do some research into something that the fiancee will really love along the lines of the gift you want to get for your friend, and incorporate it into an awesome wedding gift for the both of them.





jaquen said:


> I'm so glad you said that. That's literally exactly what I was thinking earlier, but wasn't sure the OP was in the financial position to do. A comparable gift would need to be just as well thought out, and of if not equal financial value, similar.
> 
> If they can do that? It would alleviate every concern I imagine, especially since the husband, who doesn't want to slap his name on the gift now, shouldn't have any problem doing so as part of a double wedding gift given from married couple to married couple.


That's an interesting idea too, thanks! I'm not in the financial situation to do it RIGHT NOW, but their wedding is a long way off and this is hardly a time-sensitive gift.

I'm lucky in that my job actually means I'm in a position where I could get something equal in terms of rarity/specialness for her, although not in terms of financial value. I can put some thought into that though and figure something out.


Multi-quote seems to have "lost" some posts here.... so to answer some other comments....

My husband is better at maintaining casual friendships whereas I tend to have fewer but much closer friends. Some of his female friends fade away, others don't. We tend to move in "alternative" circles where most people have relaxed outlooks.

I don't have "Just male friends" - although I admit it probably sounds like it from these posts since they're the only ones I'm mentioning. I do have more male friends than female friends but it's not a deliberate thing - it's just that I went to college and university and studied male dominated subjects, I play a male dominated sport and I'm self employed and work in a male dominated industry. The people who work in my industry move around a lot - I have befriended some women in the industry, but they often end up moving away - right now my closest female friend is working on another continent. We stay in touch, and fly to meet up with each other a couple of times a year. 


I think a part of the issue regarding friends drifting away is that my husband and I are taking a different path through life right now to the friends we "grew up with". We are older than some people are assuming from my posts, but we're child free (I can't have kids even if we wanted to, and we don't want to adopt). This means that while almost half of our university friends have at least one child to worry about now, we've not moved past the "just us doing our thing" stage. We run a business together and work from home, and don't have kids taking up tons of our time, so we can have really close outside friendships without it detracting from our relationship. 

My OSF and his fiance are in a similar position (he's self employed, she went back to university as a mature student). She never really DISLIKED me, just viewed me with a "who the heck is this?" confusion and a bit of suspicion the first time we met. Then again I don't blame her - a lot of the younger girls who turn up to the gym are using it as a speed dating service. 

Thanks again for the ideas everyone.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

jaquen said:


> Doesn't sound remotely strange to me. I think it's important to note that the "never have OSF" threadline here on TAM really isn't any kind of accurate real world reflection. I know in my social circle, which is pretty wide, OSF are _far_ from uncommon. TAM consensus bares so little reflection to my real world, just as I'm sure my real world bares little in common with a lot of yours.
> 
> Having said that the issue seems to be more the best friend's fiancee. Seems that's the potential point of contention or discomfort.


Yeah - my husband is fine with it, and I know the friend would take it in the spirit it was meant. 

I don't even want "credit" for the gift - I'd give it to the fiance and let her give it to him "from her" if I thought she would accept, but I know she wouldn't and, I wasn't sure what would be worse - "insulting" her with the offer (which is how she would see it) or giving the gift to him from me (which I hadn't thought about being seen as a romantic gesture until someone else pointed it out).

Posting here has been really helpful though. If I can get the opportunity to speak to my friend's mentor before his "promotion" I'll ask them to present the gift. From me it would be a really cool present, but if it was presented by him it would be a lifelong awesome memory.

If I can't speak to him/he won't do that, I'll see about doing some form of joint gift for the wedding.

Thanks again.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

```

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jaquen said:


> Doesn't sound remotely strange to me. I think it's important to note that the "never have OSF" threadline here on TAM really isn't any kind of accurate real world reflection. I know in my social circle, which is pretty wide, OSF are _far_ from uncommon. TAM consensus bares so little reflection to my real world, just as I'm sure my real world bares little in common with a lot of yours.
> 
> Having said that the issue seems to be more the best friend's fiancee. Seems that's the potential point of contention or discomfort.


Don't make assumptions. I have no issues with OSFs and have stated that may times here on tam


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I wont offer a judgment here but im just curious --

just speaking objectively, how attractive is your H? How attractive is the male best friend you,re buying the gift for?
put each on a scale of 1-10,say.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

If it might cause tension between him and his fiancee, DON'T BUY IT. There shouldn't exist an item worth causing friction in someone else's marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> Don't make assumptions. I have no issues with OSFs and have stated that may times here on tam


OK.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> I wont offer a judgment here but im just curious --
> 
> ...


Wow, that's a really hard question. I'm not very good at the numbers thing!

To the average person off the street, neither is conventionally attractive. My husband has a lot of tattoos (which I like) and gets negative attention because of them (we live in a rural area where that sort of thing is still unusual). He's also tall and has that "bear strength" build so people assume he's a thug. My friend is unusually short for a man and he looks really skinny in street clothes. 

If I suddenly suffered amnesia then bumped into my husband in a group social setting, he would catch my eye and I'd strike up a conversation with him. I'd probably completely blank my friend as just a generic face in the crowd. He's certainly not unattractive in my opinion (I have an appreciation for any athletic physique, from long-distance runner to powerlifter just because I know the effort that goes into building that body), but he doesn't fit any of my usual "types".

Does that answer the question?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You aren't thinking enough about the fiance here, and you should. Oh boy, you should.

If my fiance received an expensive gift from his OSF, and she knew neither of us could afford it, I'd get a huge case of the red butt. I would think you were after my man, all the while rubbing it in my face that I couldn't afford to get him that gift that he would love and cherish FOREVER. Every time he looks at that gift, he'll think of you. I'd immediately think you had ulterior motives. I would be on high alert and mate guard like crazy.

Highly inappropriate and a terrible idea. I do, however, like other posters' thoughts on how to get him the gift w/out it looking odd.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Highly inappropriate and a terrible idea. I do, however, like other posters' thoughts on how to get him the gift w/out it looking odd.


Thanks.

I like her and don't want to annoy/upset her. 

Based on the feedback here I've decided to buy the gift and keep hold of it. At the end of the month I'll have the opportunity to speak to my friend's mentor in person (he lives across the other side of the country so I've only met him a couple of times). I'll ask him if he's willing to present it as a "thanks for your contribution to the sport" kind of thing. I'm pretty sure he'd think it was a brilliant idea. 

If he goes for it, I think everyone will be happy.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

Even if the mentor presents it, YOU bought it, and unless the mentor keeps that secret for you, it might backfire on you. I'm with the majority on this one--the girlfriend will not like it, and your friendship will suffer. Is it really worth it? 

If I were the girlfriend, I wouldn't want another woman to assume she knows her (the girlfriend's) man so well as to know what he'd LOVE to have, especially one that was expensive AND that he would love. Even being totally innocent, it would appear that you're trying to upstage any gift she could give him. Nope, she won't like that one bit. I wouldn't. Some people can't help it, and you got an early indication that she's that way from when you first met her.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

saubryn said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I like her and don't want to annoy/upset her.
> 
> ...


It seems that you had your mind made up long before asking. A lot of people have expressed that it will be inappropriate to buy the gift and you already know that his girlfriend will not like it. But you are going to do it anyway? Do you really think he will not know where this came from? Adding the hidden fact that it really came from you just adds another layer of what will be seen as deceit when it is discovered and potentially more resentment his girlfriend will have. Also, do you not think your husband is hurt even a little bit that you are so into getting your male friend this special gift? The whole situation could end up causing a lot of issues between all of you.

Is there a reason you did not consider the idea of passing along the contact information about the item and letting your friend decide if it was within his means and special enough to get for himself?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I think folks are reading way too much into this. She could give it to the mentor to present as a "spokes person" for a group of folks who got together to give. In fact, get some of his other friends to pitch in. (But what if the fiance finds out that she orchastrated it??? But what if?? What if??) It's really not that serious. But that's just me.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

Tabitha said:


> Even if the mentor presents it, YOU bought it, and unless the mentor keeps that secret for you, it might backfire on you. I'm with the majority on this one--the girlfriend will not like it, and your friendship will suffer. Is it really worth it?


I'd only ask him to pass it on if he would keep it secret. I'm not really close friends with the mentor, but I know he's trustworthy so if he agreed to do it then he'd keep it secret. If he refuses, I could go the wedding present route. It's hardly a time sensitive gift and I'd have plenty of time to figure out what to give her that would "match" in terms of thought/value.



Abc123wife said:


> It seems that you had your mind made up long before asking. A lot of people have expressed that it will be inappropriate to buy the gift and you already know that his girlfriend will not like it. But you are going to do it anyway? Do you really think he will not know where this came from? Adding the hidden fact that it really came from you just adds another layer of what will be seen as deceit when it is discovered and potentially more resentment his girlfriend will have. Also, do you not think your husband is hurt even a little bit that you are so into getting your male friend this special gift? The whole situation could end up causing a lot of issues between all of you.
> 
> Is there a reason you did not consider the idea of passing along the contact information about the item and letting your friend decide if it was within his means and special enough to get for himself?


Thanks for your thoughts.

I have listened to what people have said - that's why I'm not going to be the person who gives it to him. 

I'm a collector (of a lot of different stuff) myself. Many years ago someone from a mailing list I was on went to insane lengths to try to track down my address. They didn't get it, but they did persuade my employer to receive a small package for me. It contained a badge that I'd been looking for. The financial value of the badge isn't the same as this item, but it was still an amazing gesture. I never figured out who sent it but I remember how that made me feel. I have the chance to pay it forward now in a way that would be equally special.

I don't think he'd figure it out if the mentor gave the gift. He knows my financial situation, and the mentor is a much more well-off person than I am. They've known each other for a very long time and it's not like it's a secret that my friend collects this stuff, so it wouldn't look weird for the mentor to give a gift like that on the occasion I'm thinking of.

My husband really is fine with it. He's a straightforward person and he'd say if he didn't want me to do something.

We both take the stance that friends are just people that share our interests, and that gender doesn't matter. My husband would do the same for any of his friends, of either gender, if the opportunity arose.

I haven't told my friend that the item is available because I know for a fact that purchasing it is not an option. I am intimately familiar with their finances because I've been helping them with their accounts and tax returns (my friend went self employed recently, I've been self employed for a long time so they asked for advice). If I thought there was any way that they could buy it, I'd have just told them and left it at that, but it just isn't an option. Given other details that I know about their families, there's no-one they could borrow from either.




GA HEART said:


> I think folks are reading way too much into this. She could give it to the mentor to present as a "spokes person" for a group of folks who got together to give. In fact, get some of his other friends to pitch in. (But what if the fiance finds out that she orchastrated it??? But what if?? What if??) It's really not that serious. But that's just me.


Thanks. I guess we'll find out eventually! I'll talk to the mentor at the end of the month, and then there'll be a long wait for the event I'm thinking of so I'll keep my options open.


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