# Trying to move on after Divorce



## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

I gotta put this out there in the cyber universe because I am mortified to tell any of my friends what recently happened. My ex-husband and I got divorced and considering everything, it was pretty easy since we had no kids and our finances were separate. He kept the house and I put in the divorce decree that I got to live in the house while I found a house to buy. Well that wasn't the best idea I ever had, but only ended up staying in the house for 3 months. I finally found a house and we are officially over. I never have to see this man again.

We were married for almost 7years. One of the reasons I divorced him was because he wouldn't have sex wth me for 6 of those years. We went to marriage counseling, sex therapist, tried everything. The sex therapist even wanted to have his testosterone levels checked. So finally the day comes and I get to move out of the house into my new home. Movers arrived, took all my stuff, unpack it and I realize that they ended up taking some of my ex-husbands things (it was a table and some outdoor cushions). I wanted to be nice so I put those things in my car and brought them back to his house. Last Saturday I was out of that house for 4 hours and when I came back to return his things, a man was there with him. I looked in the window and watched him touch his butt and they both kissed and hugged. How effing stupid do I actually have to be to not of noticed or realized that the reason my ex-husband didn't have sex with me was because he was gay? People used to tell me that he was cheating on me and I never believed them because I NEVER saw him around women, only men.

I feel so stupid and insulted and hurt. I am the easiest person to talk to in the world and I don't judge anyone! He couldn't of just said to me one day that he was gay. I am absolutely mortified! This was my second marriage. How in the world do you move on from finding out something like this?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@kclark30 ,

I don't have a big long reply to you, but I will say this: you move on the same way someone moves on when their spouse cheats on them with someone else. Whether they cheat with the same gender, the opposite gender, no gender, or all genders, one thing is the same: there was a betrayal. You aren't stupid. You may feel insulted and hurt, but he's a coward, and saying "I'm cheating" is just as scary as saying "I'm gay" so they sneak around instead of being brave. 

Look, people love who they love. They have sex with who they desire. Some go for the OW or OM. Some go for someone of their own gender to try something new. Maybe they desired that all along, who knows? Maybe it's just the thrill of being "free" to do all the taboo stuff they thought they couldn't do before! WHO KNOWS? The point is that you, as the betrayed spouse--you are exactly who you were before you knew about this. You take people at their word. You trust(ed) people. You believed in people. You wouldn't treat someone like this so it never occurred to you that someone who claimed to love you would treat YOU like this. That's who you are. And whether your STBX sleeps with males, females, or animals, that doesn't affect who you are at all. That's 100% ON THEM! 

You're still exactly you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

6 of those years? I put the onerous on you for that. I can understand 6 to 12 months, but six years? What were you thinking?
When my first wife cut me off from sex, after 3 months of the "it's not you, it's me" crap, I dumped her and divorced her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> 6 of those years? I put the onerous on you for that. I can understand 6 to 12 months, but six years? What were you thinking?
> When my first wife cut me off from sex, after 3 months of the "it's not you, it's me" crap, I dumped her and divorced her.


This. You buried your head in the sand and imagined that you could beg/plead/nag a guy who clearly didn't want sex with you into having sex with you. Take responsibility for that.

A guy who wants you will be all over it if he knows you're willing.

So you move on by vowing not to bury your head and deal with things for what they are. If a guy does want sex then move on....the world is packed with men who do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In truth, this gay revelation of his, is the best answer that could be had.

You were his cook and chief boxer washer.

You were his beard, and now you have shaved free, the wee stubble, that was this man.

It was not your mirrored truth that was the blame, it was his smoke and mirrors, his poke in the rear, proclivity.

Good riddance, good job on your part.


_Nemesis-_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, he couldn’t tell you because he was, and maybe still is, in the closet. Next time, if you find yourself in a relationship with no sex, don’t waste years trying to figure it out — move on. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t want what you want.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> You were his beard


OP must be so passive. Going by my experience in life, a lot of women upon finding that they were nothing but an excuse to hide his sexuality, would in a very angry and vicious way out the dude all the way to Katmandu.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> The world is packed with men who do (want sex).


Aye!

And do, but can't.

The mind willing, the body so unable.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

kclark30 said:


> I gotta put this out there in the cyber universe because I am mortified to tell any of my friends what recently happened. My ex-husband and I got divorced and considering everything, it was pretty easy since we had no kids and our finances were separate. He kept the house and I put in the divorce decree that I got to live in the house while I found a house to buy. Well that wasn't the best idea I ever had, but only ended up staying in the house for 3 months. I finally found a house and we are officially over. I never have to see this man again.
> 
> We were married for almost 7years. One of the reasons I divorced him was because he wouldn't have sex wth me for 6 of those years. We went to marriage counseling, sex therapist, tried everything. The sex therapist even wanted to have his testosterone levels checked. So finally the day comes and I get to move out of the house into my new home. Movers arrived, took all my stuff, unpack it and I realize that they ended up taking some of my ex-husbands things (it was a table and some outdoor cushions). I wanted to be nice so I put those things in my car and brought them back to his house. Last Saturday I was out of that house for 4 hours and when I came back to return his things, a man was there with him. I looked in the window and watched him touch his butt and they both kissed and hugged. How effing stupid do I actually have to be to not of noticed or realized that the reason my ex-husband didn't have sex with me was because he was gay? People used to tell me that he was cheating on me and I never believed them because I NEVER saw him around women, only men.
> 
> I feel so stupid and insulted and hurt. I am the easiest person to talk to in the world and I don't judge anyone! He couldn't of just said to me one day that he was gay. I am absolutely mortified! This was my second marriage. How in the world do you move on from finding out something like this?


I honestly think there should be civil law against knowingly wasting somebody's life (or years of) by lying to that person. Your husband should have to pay dearly for those years he lied to you. I for one would be pissed off if someone bamboozled me like that. I sure hope you got him good in the divorce.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

kclark30 said:


> I gotta put this out there in the cyber universe because I am mortified to tell any of my friends what recently happened. My ex-husband and I got divorced and considering everything, it was pretty easy since we had no kids and our finances were separate. He kept the house and I put in the divorce decree that I got to live in the house while I found a house to buy. Well that wasn't the best idea I ever had, but only ended up staying in the house for 3 months. I finally found a house and we are officially over. I never have to see this man again.
> 
> We were married for almost 7years. One of the reasons I divorced him was because he wouldn't have sex wth me for 6 of those years. We went to marriage counseling, sex therapist, tried everything. The sex therapist even wanted to have his testosterone levels checked. So finally the day comes and I get to move out of the house into my new home. Movers arrived, took all my stuff, unpack it and I realize that they ended up taking some of my ex-husbands things (it was a table and some outdoor cushions). I wanted to be nice so I put those things in my car and brought them back to his house. Last Saturday I was out of that house for 4 hours and when I came back to return his things, a man was there with him. I looked in the window and watched him touch his butt and they both kissed and hugged. How effing stupid do I actually have to be to not of noticed or realized that the reason my ex-husband didn't have sex with me was because he was gay? People used to tell me that he was cheating on me and I never believed them because I NEVER saw him around women, only men.
> 
> I feel so stupid and insulted and hurt. I am the easiest person to talk to in the world and I don't judge anyone! He couldn't of just said to me one day that he was gay. I am absolutely mortified! This was my second marriage. How in the world do you move on from finding out something like this?


Hey kclark30, I felt very similarly when I divorced my ex. I felt like a complete failure, b/c it was also my 2nd marriage and we'd spent 20 yrs together, 12.5 married, about 10 sexless. He wasn't gay, but he also cheated. Heck, I asked him if his best friend was Fing him 😆, cause he sure as heck wasn't screwing me. Sexlessness really lays you low, especially when you find out they're fine, but just don't want you. I can't imagine how you must feel finding out he was a closet gay. 

At the end of the day, all you can do is accept it and move on b/c what else can you do? It gets easier with time, especially if you meet someone else. People have to own their choices... His was to lie, cheat and steal, yours was to stay until you didn't. You're not stupid, you loved him and hoped for improvement. 

Please consider therapy if you're not in it already. It really helped me come to terms with how much time I wasted living in hope, waiting for him to change. At least you didn't waste that much time, you will be just fine.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I honestly think there *should be civil law against knowingly wasting somebody's life* (or years of) by lying to that person. Your husband should have to pay dearly for those years he lied to you. I for one would be pissed off if someone bamboozled me like that. I sure hope you got him good in the divorce.


Amen!


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I honestly think there should be civil law against knowingly wasting somebody's life (or years of) by lying to that person. Your husband should have to pay dearly for those years he lied to you. I for one would be pissed off if someone bamboozled me like that. I sure hope you got him good in the divorce.


I absolutely LOVE this reply. Thank you so much! I agree, it's literally how I feel right now!


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

Openminded said:


> No, he couldn’t tell you because he was, and maybe still is, in the closet. Next time, if you find yourself in a relationship with no sex, don’t waste years trying to figure it out — move on. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t want what you want.


I would def NEVER go through what I went through. If I was in a relationship and a month went by with no sex, I'd discuss it with him and if another month goes by...then bye-bye!!


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Hey kclark30, I felt very similarly when I divorced my ex. I felt like a complete failure, b/c it was also my 2nd marriage and we'd spent 20 yrs together, 12.5 married, about 10 sexless. He wasn't gay, but he also cheated. Heck, I asked him if his best friend was Fing him 😆, cause he sure as heck wasn't screwing me. Sexlessness really lays you low, especially when you find out they're fine, but just don't want you. I can't imagine how you must feel finding out he was a closet gay.
> 
> At the end of the day, all you can do is accept it and move on b/c what else can you do? It gets easier with time, especially if you meet someone else. People have to own their choices... His was to lie, cheat and steal, yours was to stay until you didn't. You're not stupid, you loved him and hoped for improvement.
> 
> Please consider therapy if you're not in it already. It really helped me come to terms with how much time I wasted living in hope, waiting for him to change. At least you didn't waste that much time, you will be just fine.


I'm 44, that's the part that stings. I could of had kids with someone. I could of had a solid life, maybe the one I deserved with someone. I feel old and used up.


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## loveaspies (7 mo ago)

I have been divorced almost 6 years after decades. I read The Asperger Husband by Lisa Merle. It is written from the heart and helped me. It describes the pain of divorce on spouse and family and the fight to move on and enjoy life again.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

TXTrini said:


> Hey kclark30, I felt very similarly when I divorced my ex. I felt like a complete failure, b/c it was also my 2nd marriage and we'd spent 20 yrs together, 12.5 married, about 10 sexless. He wasn't gay, but he also cheated. Heck, I asked him if his best friend was Fing him 😆, cause he sure as heck wasn't screwing me. Sexlessness really lays you low, especially when you find out they're fine, but just don't want you. I can't imagine how you must feel finding out he was a closet gay.
> 
> At the end of the day, all you can do is accept it and move on b/c what else can you do? It gets easier with time, especially if you meet someone else. People have to own their choices... His was to lie, cheat and steal, yours was to stay until you didn't. You're not stupid, you loved him and hoped for improvement.
> 
> Please consider therapy if you're not in it already. It really helped me come to terms with how much time I wasted living in hope, waiting for him to change. At least you didn't waste that much time, you will be just fine.


Wow, so women can be shortchanged and left in a sexless marriage too. I accused my wife of being a closet lesbian, which she also denied. She had excuse after excuse as to why sex was uncomfortable for her for all of our 47 years married.

I often wondered if she were engaging in sex with one or more of her girlfriends. But alas, she never went out to meet with them regularly enough, I guess. Once a week would have been more suspicious than the once every couple months like she was doing.

In my case, I stayed for the kids, then I stayed because I didn't think I was worthy. I had opportunities too cheat, but never ever did. And now, I feel too old to start over, even though I know I could take care of the needs of any woman that WANTED ME.

I'm in the process of grieving for my marriage and looking at an escape path.


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## davjo (6 mo ago)

I'm in the same boat.


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