# Sacrificing too much to save marriage?



## Katie77 (Apr 13, 2013)

I find myself in a situation where in order to preserve my marriage I'm having to sacrifice my spiritual beliefs and way of life – but is this too much to ask? 

For over a decade my husband and I shared the same spiritual views, beliefs and religious faith. But due to a bad experience a couple of years ago (within the church) he's become disillusioned and as a consequence has lost his faith. Now there’s a growing divide between us, to the point where he's delivered an ultimatum – follow me on a new spiritual path or the marriage ends. 

Normally we’re a united and harmonious couple, but whenever I’ve tried to talk to him about this issue he becomes reactionary and angry, and refuses to listen or let me speak. To keep the peace I now avoid discussing it, so he probably thinks I’m quite content to follow his plans, but it's causing me a lot of heartache because I'm not being true to my spiritual beliefs/way of life.

My husband is an otherwise loving, generous and attentive man who constantly showers me with affection. I know he loves me a lot, probably a lot more than I love him. But I’m afraid that if I do speak out and tell him how I really feel, he’ll put an end the marriage. AND blame me for it! And suffer a lot too.

I know that no one has the right to force us to abandon our ideals, core beliefs, ethics, etc, etc. I recognize that my fear and cowardice is blinding me from taking the right action, that I’m lacking in my own convictions, and that it’s only the fear of divorce that’s keeping me quiet. I really regret this enormous change in my husband but I can't seem to help him.

I don’t have anyone I can speak to, so I’m asking this forum.

How should I approach this issue, with so much at stake?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Perhaps your husband feels as though you are trying to get him back to church. He may feel like a proselytizing project to you. It may be he feels that your devotion to the same faith that hurt him that bad means you are not fully vested in him. You need to find out the whys of this intense emotion. 

Then decide if you can live with whatever the end request is after that discussion. 

However, no one can remove your faith. They may remove your ability to publicly practices, but the only person that has the ability to change your core beliefs is you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Katie77 said:


> Now there’s a growing divide between us, to the point where he's delivered an ultimatum – follow me on a new spiritual path or the marriage ends.



If the situation is as you describe it, then he's being 100% unreasonable. Before agreeing to be married, there's nothing wrong with insisting that you two share the same faith. Those are things you negotiate beforehand. But you are already married, and he's changing the rules in the middle of the game. Not fair.

My wife and I have different beliefs, and it's no problem for us at all. Why is this a problem for him?

You can try marriage counseling, although through a fully neutral party, not someone in your Church! But if he still insists on this, then there is no other course of action here - you have to tell him point blank that you have your own spiritual beliefs, and if he divorces you over this, then that's on HIM, not you. 

I wish I could give you an easier answer, but there just isn't one.


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## Katie77 (Apr 13, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Before agreeing to be married, there's nothing wrong with insisting that you two share the same faith. Those are things you negotiate beforehand. But you are already married, and he's changing the rules in the middle of the game. Not fair.


I think you're bang on the money there and that's the heartache. I'm having difficulty accepting the change in him. My other issue is having the courage to let him know how I feel; I've kept quiet for quite some time in fear of the consequences. It's less about him and more about me in that regard.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I feel bad for you. What a sad way to live your life. Your husband is very controlling to issue you an ultimatum (divorce) knowing how much you fear it. My advice is to be true to yourself & follow your own spiritual path.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Katie77 said:


> I find myself in a situation where in order to preserve my marriage I'm having to sacrifice my spiritual beliefs and way of life – but is this too much to ask?
> 
> For over a decade my husband and I shared the same spiritual views, beliefs and religious faith. But due to a bad experience a couple of years ago (within the church) he's become disillusioned and as a consequence has lost his faith. Now there’s a growing divide between us, to the point where he's delivered an ultimatum – follow me on a new spiritual path or the marriage ends.
> 
> ...



I know how I would handle this but it might not work for you, depending on what you're comfortable with. Tell him that religion and spirituality is something that nobody really has the answers to, and if he needs to explore another path you support that. However, you have your own spiritual path. Next time he threatens you with divorce, tell him you're sorry he feels that way and he knows where the door is. Tell him that divorce threats are bullying tactic and if he continues to use them you'll file. I know you don't want that but you can't allow him to bully you that way, because it will never end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*hugs*, Katie!

It IS a trying time for you!



> I've kept quiet for quite some time in fear of the consequences.


As you well know, *THIS* right here is the crux of the problem. You need to sort this out ON YOUR OWN.

I would suggest you take paper & pencil, go someplace else quiet (church, park, library) OTHER THAN your home, and spend an hour or two CONTEMPLATING *why* you have this fear of being divorced when the reason is so compelling.


*Are you afraid God would disapprove?* That He wouldn't understand?
 
*Are you afraid others would be hurt?* Disappointed? Angry? Hateful? Judgmental?

*Are you afraid of labelling yourself?* Loser? Unreligious? Quitter? Something ELSE negative?
Once you can HONESTLY ACKNOWLEDGE in your heart/mind *WHAT* it is you fear...you can face it, and deal with it, and accept it! Fear is JUST THAT....FEAR; it isn't REALITY!

*If your problem is #1*, consult your religious leader. Get his/her views. Seek information from your religion's website (most have one).

*If your problem is #2*, ponder on it. Will your family and TRUE FRIENDS really despise you because you put your God FIRST? Would they REALLY? What about casual acquaintences? If they DID, would it really matter? What about in-laws? Go through your list and think about the MOST LIKELY outcome. Think about a positive AND a negative reaction and how you can deal with either!

*If your problem is #3*, consult your religious leader. You may also want to see a counselor/therapist (religious or secular as you feel comfortable) for SUPPORT and understanding that YOU write the script that plays in your head....NOBODY ELSE DOES!

You must be TRUE to whom YOU BELIEVE God wants you to be. That, in and of itself, will give you dignity and your life meaning!

Good luck!

*hugs*

SGW


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Katie77 said:


> I find myself in a situation where in order to preserve my marriage I'm having to sacrifice my spiritual beliefs and way of life – but is this too much to ask?
> 
> For over a decade my husband and I shared the same spiritual views, beliefs and religious faith. But due to a bad experience a couple of years ago (within the church) he's become disillusioned and as a consequence has lost his faith. Now there’s a growing divide between us, to the point where he's delivered an ultimatum – follow me on a new spiritual path or the marriage ends.
> 
> ...


Never compromise your core beliefs or principals to make somebody happy. In the end you will hate yourself for giving up so much and getting so little in return. Your spiritual and religious believes are part of who YOU are and might as well cut off a finger and give it to him because that is what he is asking of you. 

Let me also add that people who demand radical changes of you like this do so in hopes to break down boundries and WILL ask much more of you later on. Do not lose your identity and the uniqueness that is you. If he can't accept you for who you are then show him the door. 

Listen to Sweet Brown on this: Sweet Brown - Autotune Remix (Song Only) - YouTube


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hamlet is full of wisdom. One you've heard before is "This above all: To thyne own self be true".

You and your husband each have the right to your own beliefs. But he wants to now impose his on you. And, he has set a boundary on it.

I think you must be honest with him about your beliefs.


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## Katie77 (Apr 13, 2013)

Thor said:


> Hamlet is full of wisdom. One you've heard before is "This above all: To thyne own self be true".


Kudos to Shakespeare! Very wise words indeed.

Wow thanks everyone for your responses, this is my first post and I'm truly touched by the kindness of strangers who have taken the time to write back. My sincere thanks to you all.

Actually it's been a quite an enlightening process submitting this thread as it's helped me to highlight what I really need to work on - fear. That monster has dominated many aspects of my life so it's no surprise that it's reared its ugly head in this situation. But I know I have to face it and dissolve the illusion it presents... and grow up, basically. 

I've been reading some interesting articles about compromise within marriage, and how negotiation and compromise are part-and-parcel of any healthy and loving relationship, but that they should never be done at the expense of our own principles and values. Our principles are what guide and govern our life, so when we compromise them we erode our personal integrity, playing the part of someone who has a different set of values. That's certainly not "to thyne own self be true".

Compromise by definition is an agreement that involves each side making concessions, therefore if compromise is one-sided then it isn't compromise at all. Let's face it, we can't all get what we want our way all of the time. To think otherwise is childish. Sacrificing our (often selfish) desires for the positive benefit of others is the mark of a mature and considerate adult. BUT, if we're being asked to sacrifice our principles, or if the net result is negative and detrimental to anyone, including ourselves, that's non-negotiable. An important lesson I need to learn.

Yes I have allowed my husband to bully me and that's my fault. He's a stronger force than I am but that's no excuse. Put simply, I've been weak and cowardly. It's said that we teach other people how to treat us, and to be honest my handling of the situation has taught H that its ok to behave in a less-than-acceptable manner (see interesting TAM thread "I'm working on me"). I can see that he's using extreme tactics because he's desperate to change the game plan mid-way AND keep the marriage, but I need to make him aware that what he's doing IS unreasonable and unfair. 

But first and foremost I have to "work on me", and understand how/why my way of thinking has become so distorted that I've been sacrificed my principles and values in the face of fierce opposition.

Here closes my essay (!), taking a deep breath...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Katie:

get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and read it, then work EVERY question at the end of every chapter. You will learn TONS about yourself, how to change what you don't like about yourself.

Great book.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Katie77 said:


> ... he's delivered an ultimatum – follow me on a new spiritual path or the marriage ends.
> 
> My husband is an otherwise loving, generous and attentive man who constantly showers me with affection. I know he loves me a lot ... But I’m afraid that if I do speak out and tell him how I really feel, he’ll put an end the marriage. AND blame me for it!
> 
> How should I approach this issue, with so much at stake?


I don't think this sounds like a "loving" man at all. He is disillusioned with his faith. Fine. So, because HE is disillusioned, he expects you to goose-step in place with him, and abandon your faith as well?

What kind of loving, generous man is that? Sounds like a self-serving, egotistical despot to me.

He is playing on your fear of divorce. He is issuing you an ultimatum. And an unreasonable ultimatum, at that.

So, tell me, what is so special about this man that you would (1) allow him to command you to abandon your faith, and (2) want to hold onto someone who is willing to kick you to the curb if you don't obey his orders?

This sounds like the antithesis of love to me. I don't know what your spiritual/ethical/religious views are, but these are pretty fundamental principles that guide many people's lives. Heck, my husband is more or less an agnostic. Fine by me. That is not my belief system, but I respect his right to believe what he wishes to believe.

How about your husband respecting YOUR free will? Even God respects that!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Thor said:


> Hamlet is full of wisdom. One you've heard before is "This above all: To thyne own self be true".


I agree they are wise words but it is a bit ironic they are spoken by Polonius who is otherwise a bit of a pompous ass and comes to an unhappy end.

Shakespeare liked to put a twist on things.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

I really think it is a choice between following someone that you can see compared to following someone who you cannot, have not, nor ever will see. 

Your choice.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Before jumping to this being a deal breaker, you should try to see why he is pushing this ultimatum. People do not simply walk away from their faith. There is a lot internally he needs to deal with. Possibly therapy for him to work through that pain. 

When I walked from my faith my (then husband) asked me how could we stay together if we were not of the same mindset. I told him simply because his faith dictates that as long as I am willing to stay he has to stay with me. Since I wasn't interested in leaving he was stuck with me. 

There is a lot of jumping on making this a deal breaker, and yes he used the word ultimatum, but I doubt that came without perceived provocation. Examine yourself first and see if you are making him feel unworthy of your love for not being in the same faith anymore. Make sure you are not saying things that make him feel like you have lost affection or respect for him due to his not wanting to continue with you in the faith. 

And recognize that when one does have those faith crises, they are very, very hurt and angry for a while. This does not need to be a deal breaker, but if you don't examine yourself as well, this marriage will not only fail, but you will both leave it with an extreme amount of hurt.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Katie, you said he had a falling out with... your church? Your faith as a whole? 

I'm thinking that if he was a member of a certain faith, that a disagreement with a church wouldn't alter his entire belief system. He's still the same man, after all. 

This has me feeling a bit confused. Is he wanting you to continue the same faith in a different church or is he wanting to abandon one faith for another?

I don't know of ANY faith that promotes unkindness. I think you can use this as a starting point to remind your husband to honor your perspectives. You can emphasize how much he means to you, and that you want to support him fully, but not to abandon yourself in the process. Best wishes.


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## Katie77 (Apr 13, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Katie, you said he had a falling out with... your church? Your faith as a whole? [...] Is he wanting you to continue the same faith in a different church or is he wanting to abandon one faith for another?


in a nutshell – both. To explain a little further (sorry I haven't replied sooner), it began with a falling out with the coordinators of the church, then H began to lose his faith as a whole. We were essentially "excommunicated" and as a result we lost a great deal of friends and acquaintances of many years – unfortunately H didn't leave quietly and made a lot of accusations. He hasn't wanted me to maintain contact with anyone or attend a similar church – and is pretty adamant about it (hence threats of divorce, etc).

BTW when I refer to our church and faith I'm not necessarily referring to Catholicism – it could be Christian, Bhakti, Buddhist, etc, etc. 



BFGuru said:


> There is a lot of jumping on making this a deal breaker, and yes he used the word ultimatum, but I doubt that came without perceived provocation.


I think the fact that I've remained steadfast in my faith, and that H can't control or change that, is in itself provocation enough –*in his eyes at least. 

The issue is that we married because we shared a certain faith and path in life. Now that's changed for H – and ok I have to accept that – but he wants his loss of faith to become mine as well, and that's a bitter pill I refuse to swallow.


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