# Taking the opportunity to finally end it.



## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

My stbxw and I have decided to end our marriage after nearly 8 years. She had an affair last year, and we'd been going to counseling ever since. I've tried to recognize that I had a part in what led up to the affair. I made changes and started taking her on new dates and doing new social things. This appeased her for a while, but her heart was just not in it any more. I feel like I've done everything I could to show her that our life can still be fun. After many years of supporting her, and being there through all of her problems, I'm agreeing with her that we should end it. 

It's not that I want to end it really, we have a child together, and a child from her previous marriage whom I've helped to raise, and I love very much. When our first was born, she had a horrible pregnancy and delivery that took months afterward to heal from. She became addicted to pain medications and was a stay at home mom for 3 years after our daughter was born. 

The addiction took a huge toll on my patience, and our family. It consisted of constant ER visits for abdominal pain, and other problems. I wanted to be supportive so I chose to believe her when she said she was having pains. She's had many surgeries over the years, c-section, full hysterectomy, ear surgeries, infections from the surgeries, gal-bladder removed. She had over 20 Cat scans in a matter of 3 years. Every time we would go to the ER, they would give us Percocet and say that they couldn't find anything. I had my doubts, and it was hard to keep those away from my actions. 

One day she took something or drank something I'm not sure, but she went totally nuts. She was rolling on the floor and then got belligerent. I tried to restrain her from doing anything stupid, she tried to jump off the balcony of our third floor apartment. I called the cops and they took her to the hospital for detox. This all happened while our daughter was home with us. I was pissed. I left for a month, and fully planned to end things. She made changes, went to NA meetings and won me back. I moved back in, she started working and things got better.

Over the last two years we had been trying to buy our first house, it was a very draining and attention consuming process. I started doing more around the house so that she could concentrate on her stressful job and get ahead so that we could buy a house. Distance grew between us, but she just said she was in a funk and needed time to get through it. A few days before finally closing on our house she told me that she had an affair with a Co-worker that lasted about a month. This absolutely crushed me. We got a long great, our sex life was always great (according to her too I swear), and things were starting to fall in to place. She cried and said that she wanted to work it out, and that she would do anything to keep me. 

Over the next few months we went to counseling and her attitude quickly changed. Her "want-to" lasted about a month and then it was "He's the one who wanted to go to counseling". I tried over the next few months to change myself, become stronger and win her back. I failed. My patience is out, and I'm done trying to convince her to love me back. It hurts real bad to have this kind of rejection especially after all we've been through. 

The night we told the kids, was the worst thing I've ever been a part of. We hadn't been fighting, we got a long pretty good still, but she just doesn't want "us" anymore. She says that she wants to experience different things in life. 

I'm still living in our home in a different room. I know that there could be a miracle, but I'm not counting on it. I'm meeting with a lawyer because I don't want to give in as I have in the past. I'm too emotionally unstable and weak to negotiate with her on my own. We are wanting work this out ourselves since it's mostly mutual. I don't want to lose the relationship I have with my step-son, and I want at least half of the time with our daughter. I feel like an idiot for putting my heart out there and doing too much for her when she didn't want it anymore. 

I don't know who I am anymore, I have no identity. I gave myself up to try and save our marriage and that's probably what put the nail in the coffin. I still love her even though I'm trying to get over it. Every one around me is telling me I have to think about myself now, but I don't know how to do that since it's been so long. I hope a year from now things will be better. 

Thanks for listening.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It's a difficult one, I know.

When your mind goes to thoughts of her, or what you are going through, refocus it to thoughts of you and a new life. 

Right now you need to think of yourself and getting stronger. You *can *get through this.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Is she still addicted to pain meds?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Is she still addicted to pain meds?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, she's been off them since 2009 which is awesome. She quit smoking and is taking pretty good care of herself. We both lost a lot of weight in the last year (65ish her, and 30 me).


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

The addiction thing hits home with me cuz my wife is an addict. She is in rehab as we speak. 

Read up on the 180. I believe this is the way you need to go.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi mainsqueeze - 

How are you doing? Hope you are having a good weekend. Any update on your end?

Warm Regards,- A12


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi mainsqueeze -
> 
> How are you doing? Hope you are having a good weekend. Any update on your end?
> 
> Warm Regards,- A12


I'm doing ok, I had a consultation with an attorney on Friday. My wife has been out of town with the kids visiting family. On Thursday I had texted her " I miss you guys" (as in her and the kids) I know I probably should have said I miss the kids but I didn't want to make her feel bad.(even though I did miss her). She replied "I miss you" and then "I mean we miss you". I'm sure this was no accident. 

My 180 deg thing is really being put to the test right now. She said she had a rough day on Thursday dealing with things. When she came back she gave me a very long hug. It felt so good, but I'm thinking of how I should deal with this. She said she's not sure if she wants to end it, but still not sure if she wants to work it out. She asked if I would lay with her tonight and hold her. She is realizing what she's giving up is what she said. 
I don't know how to 180 her without feeling like an a-hole. It would be so nice if things worked out but I don't want to be used whenever her mood sees fit. Any suggestions


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

Setting boundaries is a good thing right now. I'm realizing that if there's any chance for a reconciliation, there will have to be a lot of distancing to allow for change. I'm not sure if she'll ever see me differently. I feel so inadequate. She's actually being really nice compared to a lot of the stories on here. We are keeping our bills together until I move out at the end of the summer so we can pay off some of our debts. It's Joe that we are working together so well so far. 

I can't help but hope that she will want me back, but I can't count on that. We both agreed that while there is an admitted slim chance of things working out with us, that we should continue to separate. Right now there is no rush to have the divorce final. I'm torn between the urge to become what she wants, and the knowledge that the real me may not be what she wants. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that I'll either get a second chance to find a committed partner, or our marriage will work out. I'm ok with either, but would love to stay married to my best friend. She told me she wants a husband not a maid, someone with confidence and "swagger". I want that for myself, I just don't think it comes naturally for me. 

I'm going to find things to do on my own. I have to concentrate on myself and creating my own circle of friends.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Take her at her word. She wants to end it. Forget about the signs and your "hopeful" interpretations of her every action. She's gone, move on. If she decides she wants to come back, then that will be a return, not a continuation. It's much, much worse for you when you keep grovelling for the emotional peanuts she tosses your way from time to time.

Work on yourself, lose weight, read, get a hobby. Assume your marriage is over.

The fact that she's being nice may simply be releif that she's no longer accountable to the marriage.


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

Caladan:
Thanks for the advice. It sucks to hear it, but I know you're right. I've felt like I've been letting go, but I don't think I have fully. I'm working on it and its hard. So many times I have the urge to say something to her or comfort her. 9/10 times I can resist the urge, and I'm getting better. 

Update:
This week it's her turn to be in charge of the home stuff kids dinner and all. So tonight I said that I had plans so I was leaving after dinner. I didn't tell her what I'm doing which was kind of fun to watch her squirm, dying to ask me what I'm doing. The funny part is all I'm doing is sitting in Starbucks working on a song I'm writing. She probably thinks I'm out with someone ha ha. 

I'm learning that I want to be more comfortable being alone in public so this is my way to start. I just think it'll help me later on. 

I'm getting better at not caring what's going on in her day and I spend less time thinking about her stuff and more time about mine and what I get to do with my life. I've never really been totally independent before. I went from renting a room from my mom to going to school for a while to being married. I love the feeling that I control my own destiny. 

As for the stbxw, I think she has a totally unrealistic idea of what she wants in a husband. It's like she doesn't realize that they may have some things that I don't, but they also won't have all the good things I bring. I'm glad we are getting along well right now and I hope we get through this without things going bad. 

What sucks is that I'm excited for the future, but I know that I'm really messed up and it's going to take a long time to work through it. Anyway, thanks for reading and all your comments. I'll check back in later time for hobby.


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

So I'm doing the 180 thing right now. Which is tough when your living in the same home. She's starting to make plans with friends. It seems like she is moving on which is good because I don't feel bad about doing the same. 

It doesn't bother me nearly as much anymore, but it drives me crazy when she has her face buried in her phone all the time. It's like hello pay attention to our kids who are trying to talk to you. 

Is there ever such a thing as a relatively peaceful divorce? I feel like we've already agreed on the major stuff. We are just waiting to start the process until I move out after we get some bills paid off. I can see where it could go bad and people change their mind. I really hope that doesn't happen. I guess we'll see. Now for the waiting game.


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

Got paid today and while our bills are still shared, we split the rest 50/50. We have separate accounts for out part of the money. It was weird and nice to feel like I actually get some of my check all to myself. I've already saved up $400 in just a couple of weeks. 

Meanwhile she's spent almost all of her portion. The rest of hers is going toward a new tattoo tomorrow. She's going with the dude she had an EA with and his wife. How great it must feel to be in your thirties and acting like a rebellious teen. Good thing I don't really care what she does anymore.


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

Ouch and help!
So my stbxw posted her tattoo on Facebook and guess who commented on it right away. The guy she had an affair with. I couldn't help my initial reaction and she was sitting right there. I didn't want her to see how much it bothered me. It shouldn't bother me but it rips open the wound a little. She said she defriended him after the affair. I guess she couldn't wait for the divorce to even be filed. 
So many inappropriate words I want to say about her right now. How should I deal with this when I get back home?


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

So we were talking child support calculations… she thinks she can say that she'll provide our daughters clothes uniforms and shoes that way she doesn't have to pay as much child support. I'm like uh no, how am I supposed to enforce that? I carry the health insurance dental and vision. I agreed to let her pay for daycare. She's still going to have to pay me $200 a month. It's not my fault she makes 40/-50k more than me per year. 
It's getting tense, but overall I think we're still working things out well.


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

Anyone know why my wife is mad at me for wanting to move this along ASAP? She's the one who wanted a divorce and who is moving on with her life. 

Is she having second thoughts or does she just want me to stick around so that when things with her go bad, I'll still be there?


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Mainsqueeze - 

I would not over think her angry feelings or the motives behind them. If she is angry, so what? That's not on you. You've done more than your part to see if the marriage could be mended, and now that you've both decided on D, it is just a matter of sorting out the logistics of it. 

Take a page from her playbook and move on with your life, too -- I know it is not easy, but the more quickly and cleanly you can make the split the easier it will be on you. Stick up for yourself, no more doormat -- and also stop looking at her FB! I have touched that hot flame and got burned myself, against better judgetment and advice. 

Good luck and keep us posted. Hang in there, you can do this!

Best Regards,- A12


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks for the response A12
I've been starting to move on which has been kind of relieving. I think it's hurting her to see me move on which is why she is having these emotional swings. I'm not going to stop moving on though. 

I didn't want to defriend her on FB because that would have caused a lot of questions from people and were keeping this somewhat quiet till I move out. Instread, I just hid all of her posts I've had no problem keeping off her FB stuff since Friday. Now I don't think about it. I was able to resist informing the affair dudes wife and now I don't care, that's their problem. 

I would like this to be over quickly, in so glad that this can get done in as soon as 91 days after we file. If its going to end, may as well be ASAP.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Well, your wife already had the experience of divorce. This is her second time. She knows what's involved. 

Dont mess up your own mind too much by getting too involved with her now.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

mainsqueeze said:


> I didn't want to defriend her on FB because that would have caused a lot of questions from people and were keeping this somewhat quiet till I move out. Instread, I just hid all of her posts I've had no problem keeping off her FB stuff since Friday. Now I don't think about it. I was able to resist informing the affair dudes wife and now I don't care, that's their problem.
> 
> I would like this to be over quickly, in so glad that this can get done in as soon as 91 days after we file. If its going to end, may as well be ASAP.


I hear you -- I too, plan to defriend him on FB as soon as the divorce is final (6 to 8 weeks?). But I cut him off from my timeline and blocked him from seeing my stuff. 

I agee 100% I want this to be over ASAP, no more slowly trearing off the bandaid  

All the Best to You, A12


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

It's been a while since the last update:
I'm having mixed emotions, she asked me what plans I had tomorrow after work and I told her I was planning to have coffee with *so and so (female friend who's married). 

Let me give some quick backstory: *so and so is someone who I spent 2 yrs going through a college program with. During that time, wife addicted to pain meds, I confided in *so and so. Probably became too close with her, but never anything physical we were both married (and still are). My stbx was always jealous of this friend so after school was finished I didn't talk to her much. Fast forward 3 years and here we are. 

So stbx is upset about this. My first and strongest instinct is to comfort and explain that there's nothing there. Then I think it's not my job anymore to worry about how she feels. She got tattoo with dude she had an EA with just a couple weeks ago. I brought this up and she kinda got put in her place like "oh so this is how it feels from the other side".


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## mainsqueeze (Apr 10, 2013)

It was never my intention to hurt her, I just need a support system of friends. She really shouldn't have asked what my plans for the next two days were. So I guess the moral of the story is: don't ask questions that you may not really want to know the answer to. 

We have been getting along great lately. Our current arrangement is starting to become routine which is good. I have to say though, this is the longest I've gone without sex and its killing me. There's no amount of um…me taking care if it, that satisfies the urges. Not sure what to do about this one, but I can see why people hood up through Craigslist during this kind of thing. I will stay away from that though because I would like to have some dignity when this is over.


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## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

I got to the same stage with my breakup nice and routine getting along well then I started spending time with a friend and ended up in bed with her and now we're back to square 1..no telling how she'll react if you do decide that 'quality alone time' is not enough. 

BUT you are no longer a couple you are now only responsible for your feelings and not hers..live your life


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