# I hate the "Living In Limbo", waiting to pounce feeling.



## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

*I am so anxious. I wring my hands. Can't wait to be home when I am at work. Can't wait to go back to work when I am at home. Try to meditate and live in the moment. *

*Waiting to see if my H will tell me about the work party in two weeks that the OW will be at. Does he plan on attending without me? Will he make up some story about working late? Did he decide not to go, and did not tell me so I don't get all torqued up? I am just waiting. It sucks.*


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm not very good at this kind of limbo either. Why don't you take back some of your power and just ask him?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I agree, you should ask him and remove the doubt and anxiety from your life. He should be accommodating, in fact, "ask" may be the wrong word, you should "tell" him what you want done.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

LISTEN we are here help. But we cannot answer these question for you . You need to walk up to your H and ask him exactly what you said on here. Then your life moves on.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I know why you aren't telling him/asking him about it. Its a test of his fidelity/honesty/commitment to R/etc. You know if you tell/ask you will not get the answer you seek. Which is what his reaction will be if you don't intervene in some way.

Unfortunately, to get that answer you have to deal with the anxiety.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I see what you are saying, LostWife, but that's completely passive aggressive. Instead of saying "this is what I want and what I expect", it's hiding around like a little girl waiting and hoping for him to do the "right" thing? And suffering all the pursuant anxiety for days and days?

I just don't think it's a very good way to live.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Cyber you need to tell him how you feel about the entire situation(don't mince words) and that you either want the both of you going or him not going at all. I'd chose option A but thats really upto how you feel and whether you can stay in the same room as the OW without throwing up


As an aside if you chose option A, I'd take this as an opportunity to size up the OW, more often than not we have an image of a sex goddess or a pantymelter but to actually see them will put your fears at rest. They're actually pretty dowdy most of the times.

You could also give her a huge smile at this party and then turn to your husband and say something like " Please tell me you didn't try the jackhammer position with her, what is wrong with you? Did you have a soapy shower once you came home dear?".


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I see what you are saying, LostWife, but that's completely passive aggressive. Instead of saying "this is what I want and what I expect", it's hiding around like a little girl waiting and hoping for him to do the "right" thing? And suffering all the pursuant anxiety for days and days?
> 
> I just don't think it's a very good way to live.


I hear you, I do. But I understand where she is coming from. It may SEEM passive aggressive, but, in this case, its actually empowering.

Because she seeks the TRUTH from him about his intentions. She has been lied to, my guess is he is doing all the right things to keep her from leaving, but she needs to know if he will try to snow her about the party.

If she confronts him about it? She'll lose the chance to see what his real choice would have been.

It sux, OP, but I see this as you trying to verify his commitment to the marriage.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's empowering? Dealing with crippling anxiety is empowering? I don't think so.

Also the problem with setting up "tests" like this is that the other party frequently doesn't realize that there's a test. So the result may or may not prove what you assume.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Presumably, he already knows that he should not be going to parties where the OW will attend. So going and demanding that he does this seems almost unnecessary. If he doesn't already KNOW he should avoid this party? Then maybe the requirements for R have not been set.

I think the anxiety comes from not knowing what choice he will make, because the TRUST has not been restored. If he makes the right call here, without being told what to do, it will go a long way toward reestablishing that broken trust.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

lamaga said:


> It's empowering? Dealing with crippling anxiety is empowering? I don't think so.
> 
> Also the problem with setting up "tests" like this is that the other party frequently doesn't realize that there's a test. So the result may or may not prove what you assume.


I don't think she set up this test at all. And I am sorry to disagree, but truth is empowering.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Lost, you and Cyber will do what you need to do, as we all do. I don't need to argue this out with you. I hope for the best.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I'm not very good at this kind of limbo either. Why don't you take back some of your power and just ask him?


There is more power in seeing if he tries to be sneaky. Then I divorce him, after showing up at the party and busting him.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Paladin said:


> I agree, you should ask him and remove the doubt and anxiety from your life. He should be accommodating, in fact, "ask" may be the wrong word, you should "tell" him what you want done.


Waiting to see if he will sneak out to see her. It will be his first real opportunity to see her after the DDay. He can justify that he did not know she was there, in his head, when I know he does. I will wait and see if he chooses to go, and then I will show up there and tell him I will see him in court. If I were to say, "Don't go, I know about it from other sources and I know OW will be there" it is fruitless. I prefer entrapment.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Lost, you and Cyber will do what you need to do, as we all do. I don't need to argue this out with you. I hope for the best.


Were we arguing? Just a healthy exchange of different opinions, I hope..... I find your posts very interesting to read.....

Just trying to understand where cyber is at, and I have been there cyber, many times! I understand the waiting part, 

*Waiting to see if my H will tell me about the work party in two weeks that the OW will be at. Does he plan on attending without me? Will he make up some story about working late? Did he decide not to go.. *

but then again, I also suffer what you describe as "crippling" bouts of anxiety, so obviously, I still have a lot left to process.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I know why you aren't telling him/asking him about it. Its a test of his fidelity/honesty/commitment to R/etc. You know if you tell/ask you will not get the answer you seek. Which is what his reaction will be if you don't intervene in some way.
> 
> Unfortunately, to get that answer you have to deal with the anxiety.


Precisely. Hyper vigilant.:smthumbup:


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> Waiting to see if he will sneak out to see her. It will be his first real opportunity to see her after the DDay. He can justify that he did not know she was there, in his head, when I know he does. I will wait and see if he chooses to go, and then I will show up there and tell him I will see him in court. If I were to say, "Don't go, I know about it from other sources and I know OW will be there" it is fruitless. I prefer entrapment.


I totally agree with this approach. Its no different than a VAR. You are adhering to the old adage, "Character is what you do when no one is looking."

Good luck.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

And of course, if he simply doesn't go, you've wasted two weeks of your life worrying.

Really. You girls are making me feel old.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Yep Lost, thats passive aggressive at its best right there


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Cyber you need to tell him how you feel about the entire situation(don't mince words) and that you either want the both of you going or him not going at all. I'd chose option A but thats really upto how you feel and whether you can stay in the same room as the OW without throwing up
> 
> 
> As an aside if you chose option A, I'd take this as an opportunity to size up the OW, more often than not we have an image of a sex goddess or a pantymelter but to actually see them will put your fears at rest. They're actually pretty dowdy most of the times.
> ...


He has not told me about the party, anonymouskitty. That is what is troubling me. And the party thrower is the OW's toxic friend who knew about my H and OW's affair and has been to many work related baby showers, wedding showers that I was invited to in my husband's stead. Hell, the OW patted the chair next to her and asked me to sit next to her. No conscience.

As for the OW, she is 11 years younger than me, Equadorian, married, no kids, high maintenance, haughty, selfish, best perfumes, best purse, best shoes. Blah. Not my interests. I don't even carry a purse. Never have. No perfume. Wear jump boots to work (uniform). Friendly to everyone I meet. We are on different sides of the spectrum. She would not be friendship material for me. And OW has many other boytoys lined up (my husband was teasing her about that in one of their chats).

I have been that happy chump at weddings and parties smiling and dancing with my husband while she was there alone. Her husband rarely goes where she goes. And everyone at his works knew he was cheating on me, some friends fronted for him (all female, believe it or not?), and we would all be at these functions together. Better I did not know at the time.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Have you started doing the 180 on your husband Cyber?


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

lamaga said:


> And of course, if he simply doesn't go, you've wasted two weeks of your life worrying.
> 
> Really. You girls are making me feel old.


Go with the feeling.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Yep Lost, thats passive aggressive at its best right there


IIWII. I own it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Cyber, by "old" I of course meant "mature".


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> There is more power in seeing if he tries to be sneaky. Then I divorce him, after showing up at the party and busting him.


Nice! Can't wait to hear how that goes.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Ask yourself these questions.
1 This is passive aggressive. 
-how much do you really know about this party. REally
what if this party 
- the party hasn't started how do you know she will attend.
- expecting your husband to always do everything right is a recipe for trouble. (no one is perfect and considering the situation he may do something b/c he thinks he is protecting you. In your mind he is betraying you.)

2. If you want R and really want to save your marriage then why risk this. Why now are you backing off and going to a pre DDay stance of being vigilant. You are gambling with the rest of your, marriage, and emotional stability

if you think it is worth the risk by all means do what you think you have to do. But if you hear a tiny little voice saying just quit this screwing around and get it over with. Then that is probably your gut talking.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Presumably, he already knows that he should not be going to parties where the OW will attend. So going and demanding that he does this seems almost unnecessary. If he doesn't already KNOW he should avoid this party? Then maybe the requirements for R have not been set.
> 
> I think the anxiety comes from not knowing what choice he will make, because the TRUST has not been restored. If he makes the right call here, without being told what to do, it will go a long way toward reestablishing that broken trust.


You are on the money! :smthumbup: All requirements have been set. NC established. This will let me know if he will try to be sneaky, and then I am done. It makes me anxious, I never used the word "worried", like Lamagna wrote. I can deal with limbo. The truth will set me free, either way.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You're right, you never used the word "worried". You said, "I am so anxious. I wring my hands."

Yeah. No way is that "worried", LOL.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

badbane said:


> -how much do you really know about this party. REally
> what if this party
> 
> .


Coworker called me to ask me if my H and I were attending party with OW there. We were both invited. OW will be attending. That is a fact. H never even told me about the invitation.

He goes without me, trouble.

He doesn't go, trust established.

He tells me about it and asks me to go, trust established. 

This is the first opportunity to see OW since NC letter. It would be a really sneaky way for him to "bump" into her, if he went. I wait. I don't care what you label it. Doing nothing is a powerful choice, and so is waiting.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

lamaga said:


> You're right, you never used the word "worried". You said, "I am so anxious. I wring my hands."
> 
> Yeah. No way is that "worried", LOL.


Ya know what, you really are old and crochety. I have read your submissions to others, and you tend to kick when someone is down. Go find someone else to brow beat. I am not interested in your criticisms and toxic advice. Bye!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Cyber, luv, why do you want to put yourself in agony till the day of the party? just go ahead and tell him not to go or that both of you are going.
If he still defies you, you'll have your answer anyway but at least you won't have to deal with a week's worth of torture


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

matt82 said:


> Nice! Can't wait to hear how that goes.


Thanks Matt. I hope it goes well.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Cyber, luv, why do you want to put yourself in agony till the day of the party just go ahead and tell him not to go or that both of you are going.
> If he still defies you, you'll have your answer anyway but at least you won't have to deal with a week's worth of torture


Luvey, He has not told me about the party. He does not know that I know.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Tell him that you know about it

Listen cyber, you know whats most painful in the entire ordeal.

its the NOT KNOWING PART


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, Cyber, by "old" I of course meant "mature".


Yea, keep telling yourself that. And take your "mature" criticisms to the Bingo hall, or buy yourself more comfortable shoes or something. You are one miserable, angry lady. Take it out on the person/people who make you feel that way, don't dump on me.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> You are on the money! :smthumbup: All requirements have been set. NC established. This will let me know if he will try to be sneaky, and then I am done. It makes me anxious, I never used the word "worried", like Lamagna wrote. I can deal with limbo. The truth will set me free, either way.


Cyber, I know this is hard and I am sure your heart will be beating out of your chest. Some here will tell you that even BEING in this frame of mind is unhealthy and just not worth it. (And you gotta admit, its crazy making and raises your blood pressure....)

But I feel you are taking lemons and making lemonade. It doesn't matter if you know if she's going to actually be there.....just because she was invited is enough. It sounds like there are a lot of work-related social events and this was the fertile ground where the affair began.

Are they still working together? I hope they were both invited to the same party because they still know the same people....as you probably know, you can't have NC if they still work together.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Ladies Ladies be nice


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Tell him that you know about it
> 
> Listen cyber, you know whats most painful in the entire ordeal.
> 
> its the NOT KNOWING PART


Nope. Not my tact. Will he take this opportunity to be sneaky or not. I wait.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> Yea, keep telling yourself that. And take your "mature" criticisms to the Bingo hall, or buy yourself more comfortable shoes or something. You are one miserable, angry lady. Take it out on the person/people who make you feel that way, don't dump on me.


Woah, hey, where did that come from?


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Cyber, I know this is hard and I am sure your heart will be beating out of your chest. Some here will tell you that even BEING in this frame of mind is unhealthy and just not worth it. (And you gotta admit, its crazy making and raises your blood pressure....)
> 
> But I feel you are taking lemons and making lemonade. It doesn't matter if you know if she's going to actually be there.....just because she was invited is enough. It sounds like there are a lot of work-related social events and this was the fertile ground where the affair began.
> 
> Are they still working together? I hope they were both invited to the same party because they still know the same people....as you probably know, you can't have NC if they still work together.


Thank you. She relocated in 2010. They have the same toxic friend. Gotta go! Have a lovely weekend.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Wow thats like self induced torture, well be strong Cyber


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Woah, hey, where did that come from?


That was for Lamaga, who has been less then helpful and more than critical. I am here for advice, to hear of similar experiences, etc. Labeling and critiquing can find someone else. 

I am not interested. You have been more than supportive, and I thank you for it.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Wow thats like self induced torture, well be strong Cyber


Anxious is not torturous to me. Thanks for your well wishes. Have a good weekend. I gotta go!


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Cyber, 
I think if I were in your shoes, I might very well do the same thing. A case of actions over words. You already know he is an accomplished liar, so what good will talking about it do? You might be able to save yourself from an extended false recovery if he fails the test. And if he passes, you'll have a good idea of his level of commitment to R.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> Ya know what, you really are old and crochety. I have read your submissions to others, and you tend to kick when someone is down. Go find someone else to brow beat. I am not interested in your criticisms and toxic advice. Bye!


You were actually getting solid advice about how to be an adult in a situation that may lead to problems in your relationship. If you set him up to fail he will fail. What if he attends, and doesnt speak to her? He would be keeping to the NC rule, but would you believe him? If you dont want to be in a relationship with this man, just tell him to get the f out of your life. He cant read your mind, if you dont communicate your needs, you have only yourself to blame when they are not met.

If you want to punish him for what he did, just be direct about it. What if in his mind he thinks you want him to attend to test his fidelity to you by being in the same room as the OW and resisting temptation? When he comes home thinking he did good, and you drop the a-bomb on him from out of nowhere, how is that going to make him feel?

I guess its easier to just tell someone that you disagree with that they are being toxic, instead of considering their point of view. Remember the part of these forums that say that the pre affair problems in a marriage are 50/50? Is it that way in your mind? Or were you the perfect wife that became a victim when her husband cheated?


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> Coworker called me to ask me if my H and I were attending party with OW there. We were both invited. OW will be attending. That is a fact. H never even told me about the invitation.
> 
> He goes without me, trouble.
> 
> ...


Perhaps the co-worker who called you told your husband he/she was going to call you.... maybe your husband knows you know about it and is waiting for you to start the conversation about it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I printed out all of the emails and chats and laid them on the bed. I suspected when my husband would minimize his chats with the OW that there was "secrecy" and not privacy. He was rabid about his privacy. He was "working late" and taking OW out for drinks. They went on a billion holding hands walks on the beach at lunch time (he worked with her for four years). He wanted to fly to Equador with her on one of her cases, but his work would not allow it. What would have happened then, I can only guess. He would get calls in the middle of the night saying she was too drunk to drive from other coworkers, and he would drive her home. He picked her up from the airport in the middle of the night when she returned from Equador. I asked him, "Do I have anything to be concerned about here?"

"No. She is just a friend. I will tell you when you have something to worry about. Who would be interested in a guy like me, anyway?" he would assure me.

So I lay on the bed, sick, head spinning, waiting for him to come home, with all the chat and emails printed out. He walks in, finds me upstairs and I ask him, "Can you explain this?"

He starts to read the texts, and I watch the blood drain from his face. "I am sorry you had to see this." is all he said.

"If you want out of this marriage, you should have had the respect for me that I thought you had, and let me know." I said.

"I don't love her. I love you." was his reply.

"People don't treat people they love like this." I say.

"Nothing was going to happen. It was just talk. We both don't mean it." he responds.

Then two weeks later I read that he is writing to another old friend that is just pushing him to get together, referring to me as the "little wife". He says he wishes he had a divorced idiot. He asks her if a married guy got together for sex with another married woman, just because they are perfect for eachother sexually, but wanted to stay married, would she think less of him?"

So it was not just talk. I told him I will grant his wish and be a "divorced idiot". Then he gets nasty. "Don't I have any privacy?!" 

"No, not anymore you don't. Not to hook up with other women on our computer, in our home. While I lay sleeping in our house with our children." I said.

Print everything out and confront your wife. Let her get nasty. She is backed in a corner, expect it. Hardline it for her. Complete transparency, no more facebook account, monitor all phone messages and write out a cut off letter or text to OM and have you read and approve it before you witness her sending it to him.

I had to write the cutoff letter to the OW. He was still keeping her around. He decided that they could still just be casual friends. She was fishing and fishing for a re-hookup. They were planning a get together. He was asking her if she was nervous? EA to PA.

There is a work party in two weeks from now that he has not told me about. A coworker called me on the sly to tell me about it, and that the OW, who does not work there anymore, will be attending. If in two weeks he tells me he has to work late or get together with the gang after work for drinks, I will say "okay". Then I will show up there and tell him I will see him in court. We are done.*

It is perfectly understandable that you want to see if your husband will remain in no contact with the other woman. He has given you many reasons to doubt him already. Given the history and his lack of truthfulness, many would have left him already. You are at the last straw. You already know the answer, but you are giving him one last chance anyway. You have to give him this one last chance to prove himself, just so you can walk away knowing you gave him every opportunity to redeem himself and he chose not to.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> *I printed out all of the emails and chats and laid them on the bed. I suspected when my husband would minimize his chats with the OW that there was "secrecy" and not privacy. He was rabid about his privacy. He was "working late" and taking OW out for drinks. They went on a billion holding hands walks on the beach at lunch time (he worked with her for four years). He wanted to fly to Equador with her on one of her cases, but his work would not allow it. What would have happened then, I can only guess. He would get calls in the middle of the night saying she was too drunk to drive from other coworkers, and he would drive her home. He picked her up from the airport in the middle of the night when she returned from Equador. I asked him, "Do I have anything to be concerned about here?"*
> 
> _*"No. She is just a friend. I will tell you when you have something to worry about. Who would be interested in a guy like me, anyway?" he would assure me.*_
> 
> ...


**


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Monroe said:


> Perhaps the co-worker who called you told your husband he/she was going to call you.... maybe your husband knows you know about it and is waiting for you to start the conversation about it.


Nope.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Paladin said:


> You were actually getting solid advice about how to be an adult in a situation that may lead to problems in your relationship. If you set him up to fail he will fail. What if he attends, and doesnt speak to her? He would be keeping to the NC rule, but would you believe him? If you dont want to be in a relationship with this man, just tell him to get the f out of your life. He cant read your mind, if you dont communicate your needs, you have only yourself to blame when they are not met.
> 
> If you want to punish him for what he did, just be direct about it. What if in his mind he thinks you want him to attend to test his fidelity to you by being in the same room as the OW and resisting temptation? When he comes home thinking he did good, and you drop the a-bomb on him from out of nowhere, how is that going to make him feel?
> 
> I guess its easier to just tell someone that you disagree with that they are being toxic, instead of considering their point of view. Remember the part of these forums that say that the pre affair problems in a marriage are 50/50? Is it that way in your mind? Or were you the perfect wife that became a victim when her husband cheated?


Don't care for the "Toxic" remark. Very judgemental. If I disagree with your or Malaga's advice, that makes me "imature". Do either of you have a Pyschologsy degree? Terms like "Passive Agressive" and you trying to be the judge of what is mature in my marriage is overstepping the advice bounds. 

My husband AND I were invited to this party. If he attends and does not tell me, that is the same secrecy that started this whole thing, EVEN if he does not talk to OW. Her friend invited us, not him. That is a breech of the NC agreement, and he knows it.

I think you are no longer advising, you are championing your opinion, and that is all it is. It was judgemental, and not very helpful. Thanks, but no thanks.

And BTW, I really was a wonderful, devoted, adoring, trusting wife and mother. The cheating is 100% his fault, the burden rests 50/50. I did NOTHING to deserve being cheated on, and he would be the first one to tell you that.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> Cyber,
> I think if I were in your shoes, I might very well do the same thing. A case of actions over words. You already know he is an accomplished liar, so what good will talking about it do? You might be able to save yourself from an extended false recovery if he fails the test. And if he passes, you'll have a good idea of his level of commitment to R.


Exactly, and thank you.


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