# So lost I cant function



## shattered man

labor day weekend i caught my wife of 15 years in a year long affair...I moved out for a few days to deal with this..and then returned she said she wanted to work on things in the marriage and move on...I told her i forgave her and would swallow this to move forward...i am stupidly,hopelessly in love with my wife.....I again caught them talkin on the phone and texting....and a month ago they "hooked' up and again i caight them....each time we fight and i forgive......the past 5 years for us has been tough with my health issues which led to financial issues as well.....I had a small addiction to pain killers which made me withdraw from the family alittle.....she is saying that my withdrawl caused her to seek affection elsewhere.....we have both began counciling but the feeling i get from her and her words have me believeing its more to sort her life out as opposed to saving the marriage.......our 3 daughters are caught in the middle of this yo yo act she is doing to me.....last week she wanted a divorce and told me she couldnt pretend anymore......when we made love she sometimes dreamed it was this other guy....and when we said i love you to each other she didnt mean it........she used the i love you but not in love with you card.....she told me i was overwhelming her with affection so now i basically have to ask to hold her or kiss her and let her decide if shes in the right mood to touch me.....we have a LONG history together a nice home.....some toys and 3 wonderful children and she still has conflictions about what she wants......how do i stay positive and up beat while she is deciding my fate? our fate...our familys fate......i am very hard at work to fix my flaws and she says she has noticed a huge turnaround....but then follows that with....what if its too late to fix this? I remind her of the vows we took...and she shrugs them off.......when did marriage become a disposable item...? After all SHE has done and after all I have forgave....she still holds the keys to our future...am i wrong to stay here? to keep forgiving......she has stripped me of everything i though i had......everything i wanted to be......ive dropped 30 pounds in the last couple months, cried more than i have in 20 years.....Im empty....what do i do>?


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## This is me

Sorry this is happening to you. 

This really should be in the infidelity area.

You need to 180. The fact is she is far gone and your forgiving her over an over has given her all the power. The minute you man up and take control of you, is the minute you will become more attractive. 

You may never get her back, but you will certainly not get her back when she is playing you like a doormat.

I am all about saving marriages, especially when kids are involved, but she is way out of bounds and you are rewarding her for her bad behaviors.

Man up, expect that you will need to become a new you, because the truth is we can only change ourselves.

I wish you well!


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## the guy

Man up and stop letting your chick dictate your future.

You let her get away with so much crap she has no reason to stop sleeping around. She knows you aren;t going any were....get it?

I suggest you show your daughters a good examble of self respect by asking your wife to leave the marital home since she desided to step out and sleep around.

I think your kids diserve a better examble of a healthy relationship then the one you are giving.

You have this unconditional love for there mother.....god forbid they use you as an examble for ther future relationships.

Sorry man I can't help you until you find the confidence in your self to no longer tolorate sharing your wife. Once you make this choice and start commanding some respect then you will have a chance to be proud and happy and act like the man your daughters diserve to see.

Instead they see there weak father getting walked on time and again.

What you do.......well is stop being a doormat, have the confidence to let your wife go and ask her to leave. Until you can confirm she is no longer contacting her lover then you can think about letting her back, but until then file for divorce and show your wife the tough love that tells everone that you will no longer tolorate sharing your wife. You can always withdraw the divorce if your want to keep her marriage and stops sleeping around.

Until you start respecting your self, others will not respect you ...hence the term commanding respect.

Sorry brother you can't nice your why back into this marriage! Let her go, then maybe your old lady will start chasing you instead of the other way around.


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## cantmove

the guy said:


> Man up and stop letting your chick dictate your future.
> 
> You let her get away with so much crap she has no reason to stop sleeping around. She knows you aren;t going any were....get it?
> 
> I suggest you show your daughters a good examble of self respect by asking your wife to leave the marital home since she desided to step out and sleep around.
> 
> I think your kids diserve a better examble of a healthy relationship then the one you are giving.
> 
> You have this unconditional love for there mother.....god forbid they use you as an examble for ther future relationships.
> 
> Sorry man I can't help you until you find the confidence in your self to no longer tolorate sharing your wife. Once you make this choice and start commanding some respect then you will have a chance to be proud and happy and act like the man your daughters diserve to see.
> 
> Instead they see there weak father getting walked on time and again.
> 
> What you do.......well is stop being a doormat, have the confidence to let your wife go and ask her to leave. Until you can confirm she is no longer contacting her lover then you can think about letting her back, but until then file for divorce and show your wife the tough love that tells everone that you will no longer tolorate sharing your wife. You can always withdraw the divorce if your want to keep her marriage and stops sleeping around.
> 
> Until you start respecting your self, others will not respect you ...hence the term commanding respect.
> 
> Sorry brother you can't nice your why back into this marriage! Let her go, then maybe your old lady will start chasing you instead of the other way around.



I agree 100%. I'm living proof that what you are doing will never work. The more you forgive her the more you are cementing the end of your marriage and your soul.


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## shattered man

she does daycare in the home...so with her leaving it cements our financial doom.....I am trying to show my kids that this is not tolerated in a relationship it is hard to convey....my 14yr old knows all the details thanks to my wifes aunt.....emotionally i am trying to man up like you guys are saying........she swears the affair is over and harbors lingering feelings for the guy....we live in a small community so keeping them from contact is touchy.......some days are better than others .......hope it gets better with the counciling we are both going to.


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## the guy

So you are putting your marriage , your self respect and your happiness a dollor value?????

Dude I'm not saying you have to go all bat sh!t crazy, but work on your self that shows your old lady that you are confident enough to move on with out her. 

Do'n you think she will be finacially impacted also, when you ask her to leave......maybe she is the type of person that would cut off her nose in spite of her face and call your bluff and leave.....but at the end of the day she has just as much to loose as you do when it comes to money....the only difference is you will get some sort of self respect back....she on the other hand will not only be broke but a broke adultor.

Dude is a power struggle and your chick is winning cuz she thinks she has the power. .......take back you power and tell her no more......you will not control her but you want to be respected, so either leave or commit to the marriage.


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## the guy

Dude maybe you need to get a way for a day and do some soul searching and find that man that you once were...you know the confident man that your chick fell in love with....

The guy years ago that wouldn't put up with sh1t...now with kids and assets and years of getting beat down by the women you love has taken its toll.....it time to step back........


Dude, from the out side looking in, you look beat....its time to take control of your family and protect it. 

It will always be up to your wife to either except this protect or not and go to her soul mate....that will be her choice. Just like you have the choice to tolorated her crap or not.


You didn't make this mess but you can clean it up damb it!!!


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## the guy

Geez, I'm running out of 2x4's here.


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## UnforgivableWife

I will give you her perspective honestly. You see I was your wife. I cheated on my husband for over a year so I have a unique perspective on your situation. My husband is a stay at home dad so had to be at the house every day. We would alternate weeks staying at the house at night. I asked for the separation. He asked me once to stay and work out the issues (he suspected an affair but wasn't 100% sure). I said no and he moved on with his life. I came crawling back to him 2 months later. DDay was mid-September and I am still groveling. We are living together though he has not decided if he wants to stay married to me - can't blame him.
All of this 180 stuff, well, it is honestly the hardest but best advice you are going to get. If you want a chance at saving your marriage, listen to me because I was your wife. YOU NEED TO DUMP HER! 
My husband never let me see the pain he was going through during our separation. I only saw him in passing, going out with friends, having fun, etc. Yes, that is attractive - we want strong men, not pathetic men. I'm not saying your pathetic, I'm just saying that is what your wife will see. She may not even realize it, but she sees you as weak which for women = not attractive.
Will she start or continue the affair. Probably, but she will anyway. The affair will not last - they rarely do because they are not based in reality. You have to let her go and not show her you are devastated. I believe if my husband had not moved on, I may have never really seen the man I fell in love with and married. Thank God he did – at least I have a chance at trying to win him back.
We tell our children to do the right thing, even when it’s the hard thing. 

Good luck!


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## 3Xnocharm

Decide your OWN fate and get out.


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