# How do I let go



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I caught my wife with someone else.
I find out after that alcohol was involved but that she wasn't using that as an excuse and feels bad for what she did.
She would in the following days tell me how I have not met her expectations in many ways but that she felt that 'this was what being married is like.'
I admitted that I had failed in many ways but that had she come to me with her concerns I would have jumped at the chance to correct those mistakes.
She felt she couldn't talk to me.
I told her I would forgive her and that she had a choice to either stay or leave. I didn't want the hurt to continue.
She said she wants to stay.
In the days following she gradually went from "I want to stay." to "I need time to think. I need time to fix myself." which is what she said in the weeks leading up to her encounter.
She has promised that she would never do it again and I believe her.

So why am I now thinking about divorce. Well, while certain areas have improved (Just 2 weeks after d-day) I'm not feeling a whole lot of remorse. She says "Maybe you can't see it but I am trying really really hard." Here I am thinking that I was the center of her world because she was the center of my world, only to find out that the last 9 years I wasn't exactly the center of her world and that has crushed me. 

She is 40 and I am 32. We have no kids and up until last month we had been talking about it. I had infertility issues to deal with but the doc said I'm good to go. Now that I'm good to go she's put a hold on having kids. I don't know if she needs a month, 2 months a year. Still, I don't want to waste her time if I'm not making her happy and she's just settling for what she has now...and I want the pain to end faster if possible. If I ask for a divorce she will have certain financial difficulties but knowing her and how tough she is she'll find work after her regular work to make the money she needs. I don't think she would try to hold onto me for any financial reasons. I want her to hold on to me because she loves me and wants things to work. I'm not getting that feeling...although she says differently.


----------

