# Lonely and Confused



## talley10 (Aug 21, 2010)

Hi Everyone! I have posted once before on this forum but it was quite some time ago. I hope you guys can help me out with my issues that I'm facing in my marriage. Sorry if I'm long winded but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about all of this face to face who isn't biased towards one side. 

My husband and I have been married a little over two years now. He was the doting, loving boyfriend prior to our marriage...the one who always held open a door, paid for everything, and went out of his way to make me feel special. Two years into this marriage, I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I am not a perfect person but I have gone above and beyond where I should to make sure my husband feels appreciated and loved with very little in return.

A little background: My husband is a very hard worker at his job, a quality that I'm very appreciative of. He works Monday-Friday (10 hour days) with the occasional Saturday to make a little extra. I am a full-time Nursing Student, along with holding down a Part-time job of my own to make a contribution to our income. I am totally understanding of the fact that he is tired when he comes home, as well as understanding that while he's gone, I should do my best to keep the house in order and put food on the table. However, what I am not understanding of is him constantly bringing home his bad attitude about his job home to me. Everyone hates a job they've had at one time or another...I get that. But I think it's part of what is contributing to this lack of attention/affection that I'm experiencing. Also, there is an 8 year age difference between us (I'm 27 and he's 35). Despite our being busy, there are still several hours in the day that we have to spend together. 

Now, to the things that are bothering me: 
- We do not have sex any more. We have not had sex since December, which is the longest we've ever gone without it. I have done everything I can think of to try and interest him, including buying new sexy lingerie, sexy surprises and other things. He is not taking any kind of medication that might diminish his sex drive, so I really don't know what the deal might be. But it bothers me immensely. He will snuggle up to me in the bed but he won't even try to become intimate. It's one thing to be tired, but not for 2 months. 

- When I try to question him about something, he gets all in a wad, like I shouldn't be questioning him at all. It's quite annoying because all I'm doing is making sure that I have a full view of whatever it is we are talking about, or to clarify something. What makes this even more frustrating is when he gets mad about something because then he doesn't talk at all. There have been evenings where we have gone about our business in silence because he won't talk to me, even after questioning him. 

- He will not talk to me about things he gets mad about until I pry it out of him. He says that this is because of his dad, who was the "strong and silent" type and that's where he learned that. I think that this is a line of bull to try and keep me from asking or talking about whatever the issue is.

- We constantly argue over money (a typical young couple issue) and how bills should be paid. He has basically said to me that it's his money and that he can do what he wants with it. Yes, he is the primary monetary source but there are two of us in this. Example: We came by a little monetary boost a couple of months ago and decided together that we should save a portion of it and use the rest to catch up on some bills. Well, I check the bank account later on that day and almost the entire amount of the portion put into our account was spent on a hunting purchase. When I questioned him about it, he said that he needed this particular item for an upcoming hunt and that he wanted to return the same item that he'd been using that a friend let him have. That's fine to want to try and return it but he should've at the very least talked with me about it, ya know? I go and get my hair cut and colored the same week and he flips his lid about how much it was (nevermind that it was the same amount it's always been).

- We constantly argue about family. We both have large families and there's always a birthday or a family function occurring. I have never said that we have to go to every single little thing but I've never skipped out on something without a good reason. He recently told me that he didn't want to go to anything on either side a good bit of the time because it was all too loud and that they were just going to try and get in his business. I told him I thought this was ridiculous because a family is going to act the way they want and sometimes you have to just deal with it in order to get along. At Christmas, he actually yelled at me and upset me 5 minutes before we went into a Christmas play that my niece was in because he was pissed about us playing "Dirty Santa" gift exchange at the family Christmas Eve party (which we do EVERY year). I have been to numerous functions on both mine and his side of the family without him. This really makes me angry because we are supposed to be a couple, not me being the representative for us.

- He barely touches me and constantly picks on me all the time. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve but it's gotten to a point where it really hurts my feelings, even when it's not that mean (maybe because of everything else that's happening). He never wants to hold my hand or kiss me just because like he used to. Many nights he falls asleep on the couch watching tv and doesn't bother to come get in the bed. As a way to spend time with him, I try to stay up and watch some of his shows with him and be interested in them. 

Maybe I'm over-reacting but I'm just not happy. I've been dealing with all of this for over a year now and no amount of talking it out, yelling, giving the "silent treatment", or ****ing an attitude back has helped because at the end of the day, he's made up his mind that he is going to do whatever in the heck he wants. It's hard to try to work and talk things out when the other person is turning a deaf ear to you. I love my husband and I know that there must be something bothering him but I wish he would talk about it. I've racked my mind to think of what I could've done and I've even encouraged him to verbalize ways that I could be better if there's something I've done. He was never like this before we got married and even into the first few months of our marriage. 

I want to fix this. I'm tired of going to bed alone and wondering what I've done wrong. I'm tired of voicing my opinion only to be treated like a 12 year old in return. I'm tired of getting up early and staying up late to make sure things get done, only to be ignored most of the time for the few hours that we have to spend together each day. 

I need advice! Help! :scratchhead:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

As much as his withdrawal hurts you cannot force intimacy with him. People share how they're feeling when they feel close to each other, not when they're forced. 

Do not try and pry anything out of him. If he doesnt want to talk then you need to respect his boundaries. Next time you want to talk don't bombard him; ask him if this is a good time for him to talk and tell him you'll limit the conversation to five, ten minutes.


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## tec2 (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow, after reading your post talley10, I had to start an account.
If it was not for a few details, I would swear that you were speaking about me and my lady.
I’m 35, she is 30
I work a lot and am on call, she is going to Dental Hygiene school and works part time.
I’ve been tired and neglectful, allowed her to do most the chores and have had a low sex drive lately.
I avoid a lot of her family events.
I’ve picked and teased too much without the romance to balance it out.
I also have a hard time speaking about issues without going into a completely logical and cold(?) way of looking at it, or waving it off as not a big issue, we will get to it.

Is he me? 

Here is the deal, it is going to get to crisis time soon, if not already. You are going to get more and more resentful, you are going to feel like this is not what you want, you are going to start doubting your relationship.

My suggestion would be to not let it get to the point that we did if at all possible. She got fed-up and left to “think about things”, well because there has not been a lot of positives to think about lately that did not work out so well, and she wanted to call it quits. 

My take is that he is in a funk. Something has affected him bad and both of you may be completely unaware that it has happened, or what it could be. Just like my lady, you may have your fair share of flaws as well, and he might be using those as an excuse not to work on himself. He also might be doing something else I was, waiting for the right “time” to fix things rather than getting off my a** and do it. Something has to give, but all it takes is one of you to start the process. 

Start educating yourself on relationships (looks like you are by being here), and find information that does not include manipulation, but caring and nurturing. People go to school to learn how to do math, they were not born able to do it, and most fail to educate themselves on relationships, particularly strong, independent men. Once you start trying to show and act with love and romance, there is a good chance that he will follow, it cannot be a “just try it for awhile” attempt, it has to be a change and consistent. While you are trying this, do your best to be positive, no thoughts about “not being happy”, “will this be my life”, you have act with love to feel the emotions that come with it. Thinking about the negative will not allow you to do this right. If he responds, make sure he educates himself as well. I wish my lady tried this method first, I like to think I would have joined in and we would have not had the hurt that followed.

If after a time this does not work, go further. How far is up to you, but you have to be serious about it. Let him know that under no circumstances are you happy and that there will be changes made, or you are going to find the happiness you desire. You have to be careful here however because you will probably really hurt him. My advice would be to encourage him to look at what he can do to make himself a better mate, while you concentrate on you, putting the relationship on cruse or hold, then slowly build back up as things get better. He needs to get active, he needs to find a reason to go out of the house, hobbies, gym, groups, activity clubs, volunteer. He does these type things, then he is on his way, join in with him and you guys are on your way as a couple. 

You have to get the romance and love flow going though, that is the most important thing. I love my little Crackhead (yeah, I’m bad with pet names) more than I could imagine, and I know she loves me, we just let things get too far by me being just like your guy. You can do plenty of work too, but he is not happy with himself right now, that has to change.

I am hoping my relationship makes it (but we would have a long ways to go), if you take steps now, it does not have to go as far as mine did.

Best wishes.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Welcome to being married. There are ups and downs; some of them for months or years. Often, the only thing that will get you through is a determination to not quit. 

Reading your post I think I see the problem. You seem like an assertive kinda girl. Plus, if you're anything like the nurses I know, you're assertive.  But that means you probably take the lead in your marriage sometimes--if not often. I can almost guarantee he is withdrawing because he feels like you are trying to dominate him. That's probably why he does things like buying the hunting gear without telling you and then rips into you for your expenditure. He is trying to assert his leadership in the marriage. But he's doing it in a clumsy way. And, since you're posting here, you're not picking up on it.

Here are my suggestions:


 Be emotionally-supportive. Yes, it sucks that he's coming home from work upset. It sucks for both of you. But don't mistake him not wanting to talk about the details with him not wanting your support. He wants your support. He just doesn't want to look like a weak whiner. Tell him he's a great guy and give him a boost. Or whatever. Help him feel good about himself. Don't give him pep talks, though. You don't want to sound like some corporate motivational speaker.

 Let him lead. You don't have to be his slave, but let him be the head of the household more. If he doesn't want to do something, let him make that decision--at least most of the time. I bet that the more you do this the more he will be okay with doing things you want to do. So you will gain more than you lose. Plus, you will have more peace.

In this modern age, and especially in the Western world, it's pretty un-PC to suggest that last point. And lots of people will say that you don't have to. But if you don't I fully expect him to withdraw further, maybe get into porn (because the women are often submissive) and eventually find a girl who makes him feel like a man.

I don't mean to be harsh. And I might have totally been off the mark in my picture of your marriage. If so, ignore me. But in any case, I think there is a lot of hope for your marriage--certainly more than in most of the relationship dramas I've seen over the years--but there are some important changes to make. All the best with it.


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