# Cheating husband



## Poker (Dec 29, 2013)

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband of 25 years had cheated on me with a woman that he had met on a poker forum site.

They go on twice yearly poker events and he first slept with her in the Sept of 2011 at one of these events. They then met a couple of more times after that, one of which he stayed at her house all night. She then split with him around the end of November, saying she had met someone else and wanted to make a go of it.

They continued to chat to each other via fb and the poker forum over the next couple of years and in the last month the chat started to become sexual and various explicit photos had been shared between them.

My husband has told me he is truly sorry and shown me everything that on his fb and forum. He has deleted this person as a friend and has agreed not to contact her in anyway.

He wants us to reconcile and stay together promising not to ever do anything to hurt me again.

Some days I seem to cope with everything really well and other times I just fall to pieces. I get the feeling that my husband thinks I should have started to get over this by now as the affair was two years ago, although the photos and sexual chat has been more recent.

Has anybody else found their self in my position and did your husband cheat again or did you reconcile and move forward with your marriage

Thanks for letting me ramble on


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What consequences has your husband suffered from this? Any? Has he even quit the online poker?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

what motivated him to confess, did you discovered the cheating? or he decided to tell you? depending of how sorry he is, you know your h, you can tell if he is sincere or manipulating you. He has to do something to show you that he is willing to change, for instance giving up poker! sorry you are here.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Poker said:


> He wants us to reconcile and stay together promising not to ever do anything to hurt me again.
> 
> I get the feeling that my husband thinks I should have started to get over this by now as the affair was two years ago, although the photos and sexual chat has been more recent.


The photos and sex chat are part of the affair. A resumption of where they left off. He just didn't get around to sleeping with her yet, but it would have gone there again.

So he is promising not to hurt you again, is he? Isn't that basically the same promise he made when you got married? And he didn't keep that one.

What you are looking for here from your husband is ACTIONS, not words or promises. He needs to act in such a way as to REBUILD your trust in him.

What can he do to make you trust him now? Putting myself in your shoes for a moment, I know I would trust more if he stopped playing poker with this woman and going on overnight trips to poker tournaments. I probably would feel better if he stopped playing poker in online forums completely for a while, and stayed offline not just related to poker forums and games, but all forums and games where there is interaction with other players.

You have to decide what he has to do to help you past this. What is acceptable to you, and what is not acceptable to you, going forward?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Poker said:


> Has anybody else found their self in my position and did your husband cheat again or did you reconcile and move forward with your marriage
> 
> Thanks for letting me ramble on


I reconciled with my wife, but she did what I asked to make me think she would not cheat on me again. It wasn't just promises that she wouldn't do it again.


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## Poker (Dec 29, 2013)

He has still been playing on like poker, but on a different site to the woman. Although not as much as he normally would have. He told me this evening he would give up poker if I wanted him to, but I feel this is a choice he should make.

The next meet up for the poker weekend is February and he will not be attending.

I found messages on his phone and confronted him. I do think he is sorry, but I am not convinced at this moment in time he would not do the same thing again several years down the line. 

We have had an open discussion this evening and I now feel he has told me everything, he has also given me full access to his laptop if I feel need of verification.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When you reconcile with a cheater you accept that you will never know for certain that they won't cheat again. In my case there was a long period between Incident 1 and Incident 2. I divorced him the second time and wish I had divorced him the first time. 

Some cheaters really are remorseful. Some pretend to be. The trick is finding out which one you have.


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## Poker (Dec 29, 2013)

Thanks for listening to me, I feel he is remorseful and at this moment time I think I want to try and save what we have.

Will, has your wife stayed faithful ever since and how long has it been?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He gives up the poker sites. He shares all passwords, etc, with you. And you have joint Facebook/Twitter accounts.

And book some marital counselling for you both.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Here's the thing Poker .. and this may be because I'm finishing off some of the Christmas booze tonight, and feeling a bit bolshy, but really, how long do want to carry on feeling like this? When we agree to reconcile, we don't sign a legally binding contract. We can change our minds ... any .. freakin' ... time! 

Here's my experience, just in case it might be of use to you: 

I tried to reconcile. 

It turned out he was FAR more of a slug than my worst nightmare. I couldn't get over it. 

In March 2013 I decided I was done. 

I walked through fire and I was frightened. 

I asked for help to professionals and friends ... and was amazed at the help, understanding and strength I received.

I saw a lawyer ... it cost me $150. Practical help = strength. I discovered that all was NOT lost and that, in fact, I would survive.

I spent a month or so grieving, but the weather was too nice for crying ... so I signed up for Zoosk lol. 

A fantastic (faithful) man came crashing into my life (because genuinely good, kind, optimistic women who keep themselves in reasonable shape will always be in demand, no matter their age). Rather than grieving, I spent the summer of 2013 laughing, drinking, travelling and sunning myself on the beach. 

Now I look back without pain ... maybe anger, but not pain, and I wonder why I wasted my time being so unhappy with a man who didn't care enough about me to stay faithful to me. ​
Poker, listen to me. Make a plan!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. No more poker.
2. No separate FB account. He let's his die.
3. The A did not end two years ago. It may not have been physical any longer but the A was and is still very recent.
4. What consequences does he have?
5. Don't try to think about what he thinks about your recovery. It takes 2 to 5 years to get over an affair. 
6. Don't rug sweep this.
7. I want to emphasize, the A (if it ended) only ended recently. I am not convinced.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No more poker. Let him choose - you or poker. Install a keylogger on his computer so you can verify no contact (with ANY woman). Tell him you want him to find and arrange for a MC; if he refuses to go or stops going, tell him to move out. If his folks are still alive, tell him you want him to tell them what he did, and apologize to them; in front of you.

If he's unwilling to do these things, he's just sorry he got caught.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> No more poker. Let him choose - you or poker. Install a keylogger on his computer so you can verify no contact (with ANY woman). Tell him you want him to find and arrange for a MC; if he refuses to go or stops going, tell him to move out. If his folks are still alive, tell him you want him to tell them what he did, and apologize to them; in front of you.
> 
> If he's unwilling to do these things, he's just sorry he got caught.


:iagree: This. Enough said.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Hey Poker. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry you are going through this right now.

I think its encouraging to hear how you and your husband are both working to restore your marriage. The key to restoration is that both spouses have to be fully committed to it. It sounds like he is willingly taking those first crucial steps by being honest with you and showing true remorse for his poor decisions. Trust me, there will be many more steps to follow. 

Make sure your focus stays on restoration and not on retribution. Every step you take in this process should be headed towards the goal of healing for you both and your marriage. There is a really great series of articles on restoration after an affair on focusonthefamily.com. 

Good luck to you!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Poker said:


> He has still been playing on like poker, but on a different site to the woman. Although not as much as he normally would have. He told me this evening he would give up poker if I wanted him to, but I feel this is a choice he should make.
> 
> The next meet up for the poker weekend is February and he will not be attending.
> 
> ...


That is why you set serious, painful consequences for him now so that he'll really be hesitant to ever consider it again. It's not uncommon at all for betrayed spouses to let their offending spouse off the hook way too quickly or easily and while the offending spouse often has the best intentions at the time, he/she will be far more likely to repeat the offense later if the opportunity presents itself. He/she will be far smarter about it, more secret, way less likely that you'll find out about it.

It's just like parenting. Which kid is more likely to break the rules again? The kid who received a stern scolding for breaking it the first time, or the kid who was grounded for a month and lost priviledges?


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