# Is Saying "Thank You" Asking Too Much?



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

My oldest son and his family live over 6 hours away so we don't get to see his family very often, usually 3-4 times a year. He has 3 kids, all boys, ranging in age from 12 to 15. Every year for their birthdays, we send a card along with a $50 check. We've done this their entire lives. We also send a check to my son and his wife on their birthdays. The thing is, my son's wife is the only one who ever thanks us for our gift. She will always send us a nice text or a hand-written note, thanking us for the gift and telling us what she is going to do with the money. From the other four, including my son, zip, nadda. So for the next year, I'm saying that with the exception of my DIL, we should cut them off. Send a nice card for their birthdays, but no money. If anyone asks about it, we'll just tell them that we are done sending money that is not appreciated. My wife disagrees. She thinks we should just keep sending money and not say anything about it. She doesn't see it as an issue. I see it as a lack of character. What would you all do?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It would be lack of character to delete the money. Take the high road and know you did the right thing. Affirmation from children isn’t required though it sure is a reflection on their parents.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> My oldest son and his family live over 6 hours away so we don't get to see his family very often, usually 3-4 times a year. He has 3 kids, all boys, ranging in age from 12 to 15. Every year for their birthdays, we send a card along with a $50 check. We've done this their entire lives. We also send a check to my son and his wife on their birthdays. The thing is, my son's wife is the only one who ever thanks us for our gift. She will always send us a nice text or a hand-written note, thanking us for the gift and telling us what she is going to do with the money. From the other four, including my son, zip, nadda. So for the next year, I'm saying that with the exception of my DIL, we should cut them off. Send a nice card for their birthdays, but no money. If anyone asks about it, we'll just tell them that we are done sending money that is not appreciated. My wife disagrees. She thinks we should just keep sending money and not say anything about it. She doesn't see it as an issue. I see it as a lack of character. What would you all do?


I guess as the grandparent you don't have the option to just stop gifting them but I would certainly cut it way back. I start off gifting friends kids but I will just stop if they are ungrateful. So many of them have way more than they need anyway.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just saw a woman who was kissing her son every time he misbehaved and ignored her requests. He was about six or seven. She was just trying to get him to stand on the sidewalk while she got the other two kids out of the car so he was out of the way.

So she told him about five times and kissed him every time she told him. Then he went to the sidewalk briefly and then came and tried to climb up onto the car the open door before she was finished.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I just can't understand people that feel in any way obligated to "gift" to grandchildren or anyone. No one is obligated, morally or otherwise to gift to anyone. Blood related or not. If you want to gift you gift, if you don't want to, then don't, period. It is really that easy.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Maybe your son feels his wife is speaking for him and the kids too, by sending one family “thank you” text? Like it’s assumed they are all grateful by her sending the thank you message.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

*Deidre* said:


> Maybe your son feels his wife is speaking for him and the kids too, by sending one family “thank you” text? Like it’s assumed they are all grateful by her sending the thank you message.


Parents need to be teaching the kids manners and it doesn't get much more basic than saying please and thank you and I just don't think that's too much to ask. I mean if you're not teaching your kids please and thank you what on Earth are you teaching them?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Parents need to be teaching the kids manners and it doesn't get much more basic than saying please and thank you and I just don't think that's too much to ask. I mean if you're not teaching your kids please and thank you what on Earth are you teaching them?


I don’t disagree, but maybe Dice’s DIL takes it upon herself to offer thanks due to distance. I’m sure if they all were in person, they’d all say thank you so this may just be a long distance “alternative.” Just guessing.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I wouldn't send them anything anymore, and they shouldn't complain about it (though they likely will). 

Your son and his wife are both failing. Sure the wife says thank you for her gift but she hasn't taught the kids to do the same. Maybe the parents were failed first, who knows.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think 


*Deidre* said:


> I don’t disagree, but maybe Dice’s DIL takes it upon herself to offer thanks due to distance. I’m sure if they all were in person, they’d all say thank you so this may just be a long distance “alternative.” Just guessing.


I think that women in general are better at that sort of thing than guys..


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I think
> 
> I think that women in general are better at that sort of thing than guys..


Yea, but I can also see the point being - how difficult is it for his adult son to simply send a text “thanks dad for the gifts.” I don’t know…

I have a feeling though he assumes it’s understood by his parents that they’re all thankful.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m sure if they all were in person, they’d all say thank you so this may just be a long distance “alternative.”


This is true. Whenever we gift them in person, they always say thank you. So I guess it's a long distance thing. It's just that now, with current technology, how easy is it to just pick up their phone? It's not that we're asking for a hand written note in the mail. Kids text all day everyday about everything and they can't be bothered to text a thank you or hit one button in their contacts and actually voice it? I'll probably go along with the wife's wishes and keep sending gifts, but ingratitude still pisses me off. I may have a talk with my son when they visit for Christmas and tell him that if it wasn't for his mother, I'd cut him off.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> This is true. Whenever we gift them in person, they always say thank you. So I guess it's a long distance thing. It's just that now, with current technology, how easy is it to just pick up their phone? It's not that we're asking for a hand written note in the mail. Kids text all day everyday about everything and they can't be bothered to text a thank you or hit one button in their contacts and actually voice it? I'll probably go along with the wife's wishes and keep sending gifts, but ingratitude still pisses me off. I may have a talk with my son when they visit for Christmas and tell him that if it wasn't for his mother, I'd cut him off.


Gifts should be given with a spirit of …well…gifting. Not expecting.

Its always nice to have a ‘thank you’, but if you give gifts with that expectation, then you’ll always be disappointed.

Having said that, receiving gifts from someone should inspire a moment of gratitude. If you feel like that is missing from your son, then absolutely have the chat. If he is a person who doesn’t communicate ‘Thanks’ when someone gives him a gift then there’s really an adjustment to be made.

But don’t be pissed off because he doesn’t tell you thanks. Give the gift because it’s a gift, not because it’s one side of a transaction.

Edit: I see your son says ‘thanks’ in person… so he’s not got a broken ‘thanks machine’. Skip the chat. Let him be and give the gifts because you want to.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You will never win this battle.
Never.

Be happy that you have grandchildren, especially, if they are doing well and are healthy.

Each family is busy, getting through each day.

Life does not revolve around any of us.
We are merely those separate participants.

The best any parent/grandparent can do, is to be the best person and mentor you can be.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have found that it is the ladies who do the, _Thank You_, card writing; oh, so rarely do the males.
They may say, thank you, in person, however.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> This is true. Whenever we gift them in person, they always say thank you. So I guess it's a long distance thing. It's just that now, with current technology, how easy is it to just pick up their phone? It's not that we're asking for a hand written note in the mail. Kids text all day everyday about everything and they can't be bothered to text a thank you or hit one button in their contacts and actually voice it? I'll probably go along with the wife's wishes and keep sending gifts, but ingratitude still pisses me off. I may have a talk with my son when they visit for Christmas and tell him that if it wasn't for his mother, I'd cut him off.


Does your son ever call you just to see how you’re doing or text? Do you have a good relationship with him, overall?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Yes, he calls and when we visit we always take the time to go out somewhere, just he and I. We don't have any other relationship issues.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Is this a hill you want to die on? I wouldn't. Remember, one day you may need them to wipe your derrière. I wouldn't poison the relationship over bad manners. There are many more important things in the world.

Maybe you and your wife can compromise. Send them cards without money, but just before Christmas, send another one with the check. "Oh, I forgot your check!" It will give them pause. Or maybe not. It's "only" $50.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you have an otherwise good relationship, then I’d let it go. I honestly think your son believes it’s understood that the whole family appreciates these gifts with your DIL sending one message/thank you card. You’re not “wrong” to feel as you do, but it’s not worth costing your good relationship over this one issue. Just my opinion, anyway.


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