# Husband obsessed with former family and it's making me nuts



## onepotatotwo

I’ve tried very hard to be a good wife…second wife for him… 
I’ve been good to his kids, tried to make a good home, make everyone happy.
But, I’m unhappy…I’m so unhappy inside…
I feel just empty and drained, and a shell of the person I used to be. I used to be happy and fun and full of life. And now I’m just completely depressed all the time and so incredibly miserable.

Part of the problem is that I can’t cope with my husband’s obsessive relationship with his exwife and her family. I’ve always seen people divorce and they and their families go their separate ways. But with this one, it’s this crazy, obsessive connection that will never ever end. 
My H has his former brother-in-law’s phone number in his phone. I find it hurtful because H and his ex have been divorced for over 5 years now, and we’ve been together for 4. The children are 15 and 16, so they are well able to keep in touch with their uncle if they want…and their mother is in contact with her family constantly.

I’m just fed up. My husband doesn’t have any reason to have contact with his ex’s family. I don’t care what the excuses are because they’re all very flimsy as far as I’m concerned…The bigger picture is that he allowed his ex wife to be absolutely downright vicious to me from day one, never stood up for me—put her in her place ever…and now I won’t be around her at all. And she knows this and uses it to get her claws into my marriage and cause problems. Long story short, when we first started dating and getting serious, she was in and around his home *far* more often than when they were married. It’s been a deliberate ploy on her part to have two men falling at her feet. She loves having her old wealthy man, and my idiot husband kissing her behind. She has caused huge problems in our relationship from day one just because she could…and my H was too much of a wimp to say anything to her. It has never been about him being afraid of her taking the kids because she doesn’t want them—she walked out on them, then would send orders for what she wanted him to do while she went on vacations with her rich old man. She basically thinks she’s queen **** of the world.

The thing is, I know that this former brother in law’s number only just recently got added to his phone contact list. My H saw him over at the skank’s house this past Christmas when he had to pick up the boys during the mid-day switch. Of course off his ex wife’s family was there and came out to talk to my H…and I’m assuming that’s when he got this guy’s number. 

What really pisses me off is that this guy lives out of state in a city where the boys have hockey sometimes…and H uses the excuse of having the number to tell this guy the boys are in town and to come see them play hockey… It seems like a ****ty excuse as far as I’m concerned…I mean this is their uncle, wouldn’t their mother tell him her kids are in town??? Or maybe these teen boys could call their uncle and tell him themselves???

It all seems like a load of crap to me. It’s just another excuse for my H to have contact with his ex wife and her family. There’s always some “reason” why they have to have contact and frankly I’m sick of it. Our marriage sucks balls, H hasn’t done much to make himself part of my family—he sure hasn’t got my brother’s number in his cell phone!!! But he’s so far up his ex’s ass he doesn’t see daylight unless she opens her mouth! And he claims I’m just being ridiculous and “brutal”… I’m sorry if it’s brutal for me to want my husband to be interested in being a member of my family and ditching his old life…

So last night when I asked about this number and told him how it made me feel incredibly bad, he acted like a jerk and said we aren’t going on vacation this weekend… He loves to “punish” me when I’m “bad”. I told H that he’s gonna get his crap together and we are going on vacation…I’ve had enough of his games!

The kicker on all this is that H’s sister just divorced her cheating husband… and now I’m forbidden from seeing the ex husband’s family. I had gotten to be good friends with his mom and sister and two brothers…and I really wanted to see them in person and thank them for our wedding gift… But my H won’t “allow” me to see or contact his former brother in law’s family. That’s pretty frikkin ironic considering how obsessed he is with his ex wife’s family… But apparently he doesn’t want to “hurt his sister” by “betraying” her by us spending time with her former in-laws… Wow, sounds like what I’ve been saying about what he’s been doing to me, and how unfair it is…Only, he doesn’t intend to stop or care because after all, *this* is entirely different… Grrrr!

So I don’t know what he’s planning on doing about our vacation…I know if he wants a marriage he’d better get his act together. I literally am done with his obsessive crazy attraction to his former-family and his ex wife. If he doesn’t want to be a good husband then I’m ready to divorce his sorry ass and get a real man! I’m sure his first wife didn’t have to put up with this crap, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to either. I may be wife number two, but unless he treats me like I am number one, I’m leaving him for good without shedding a tear… I am not living a life with someone who makes me feel inferior or like some runner-up.


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## brighterlight

Wow, seems like he is a hypocrite. I mean, I can sort of understand keeping in touch with his ex's brother to a certain extent especially if his first marriage was a long one and they had a good relationship. After all, they are still his childrens family. But, with that said, I think miminal contact is best with them. For sure though, he needs to form a new a lasting relationship with your side of the family, after all, you are his wife and your families are now one so I don't get the him not spending time with your family thing. I do empethize with you, you are now supposed to be his center of attention and his number one person in his life. If he doesn't straighten that out he will lose you, and rightfully so. I don't know all the particulars but it seems to me that if he has been divorced for 5 years and with you for 4, he should have already been well on his way to making a life with you and you alone. You said you have been together for 4 years, do you mean married or "together" as in living together? There might be something to that as well.


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## onepotatotwo

We were engaged for two years after dating for one...and have been married over a year now. 
It's not so much I'm blaming him for his weird ties to these other people...it's more like I'm saying I'm not cut out for this kind of stressful lifestyle. I can't change him or make him feel like I do...and he can't understand how I feel or *why* I feel the way I do... So I've decided to just say, we're both entitled to feel the way we do, we have our own feelings on the subject and we can just agree to disagree...
The problem is more to do with me. I don't know which of us is right or wrong on this topic and it really doesn't matter...In the end, I have to decide if this "lifestyle" is right for me. It makes me feel sick inside and just terrible--and I'm not saying he's wrong for the contact--Just that I can't cope with it. I am who I am, and I can tolerate what I can tolerate--and this is stuff I can't tolerate. 

I don't know if ultimately we'll divorce or what... I love him and I am trying to make a go of our marriage. I realize life is about learning and growing, but it seems our marriage is too often about *me* having to learn and grow and accept things that my insides are just sick over. Maybe part of my own growth has to come from this--maybe I have to learn to accept that his ex is an evil hell-***** and he tolerates her for the sake of the kids...and maybe I have to tolerate his contact with her family... But it feels like too often my life is about having to 'tolerate' stuff and be forced to 'grow' whether I want to or am ready to. It seems like our marriage is too much about me having to accept stuff and "grow up", and not enough about me having fun or getting my needs met.


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## golfergirl

onepotatotwo said:


> We were engaged for two years after dating for one...and have been married over a year now.
> It's not so much I'm blaming him for his weird ties to these other people...it's more like I'm saying I'm not cut out for this kind of stressful lifestyle. I can't change him or make him feel like I do...and he can't understand how I feel or *why* I feel the way I do... So I've decided to just say, we're both entitled to feel the way we do, we have our own feelings on the subject and we can just agree to disagree...
> The problem is more to do with me. I don't know which of us is right or wrong on this topic and it really doesn't matter...In the end, I have to decide if this "lifestyle" is right for me. It makes me feel sick inside and just terrible--and I'm not saying he's wrong for the contact--Just that I can't cope with it. I am who I am, and I can tolerate what I can tolerate--and this is stuff I can't tolerate.
> 
> I don't know if ultimately we'll divorce or what... I love him and I am trying to make a go of our marriage. I realize life is about learning and growing, but it seems our marriage is too often about *me* having to learn and grow and accept things that my insides are just sick over. Maybe part of my own growth has to come from this--maybe I have to learn to accept that his ex is an evil hell-***** and he tolerates her for the sake of the kids...and maybe I have to tolerate his contact with her family... But it feels like too often my life is about having to 'tolerate' stuff and be forced to 'grow' whether I want to or am ready to. It seems like our marriage is too much about me having to accept stuff and "grow up", and not enough about me having fun or getting my needs met.


I HATE my ex but I love my in-laws. I do have some on fb. But that said, I make effort with H's family too. If he had issue, I'd quit but he doesn't. Heck my ex FIL has had coffee with H and I. But I think main issue is not being heard. And when you start demanding it's a lose-lose situation. Don't know what to tell you - other than try to make your own relationships with these people - it will p!ss his ex off haha!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kauaiguy

I'm sorry that you're having so much problems in such an early stages of your marriage. But I've said it before and I'll say it again.

There are tell tale signs in an impending relationship that people must look out for before getting serious with it. The things that SLIGHTLY bug you in the beginning i.e. their habit, their demeanor and the way they treat you generally gets worse.

Most people (including myself) shrug these off or worse yet have this false thinking that they can live with it or even change them. But the truth is, whatever baggage comes with your future to be will most likely always be there.

People MUST confront these issues and talk to their spouse to be before committing themselves to a permanent relationship.

At this point, I would confront him and tell him that as far as you're concerned .. YOU ARE HIS FAMILY and should be his number ONE priority. *AS IT SHOULD BE*!

His obsession with his EX-WIFE must stop before he completely ruins this relationship. It can't go on like this.

It's OK for him to love his kids and get involved with them, however he should be completely over his EX wife and I can see the excuses now ... I have too be nice to my ex because of my kids. *UP TO A POINT*! 

I've seen this situation a couple of times and it never worked out.

I'm recently divorced and I already have a nice lady who is interested in me. However, I NEED to completely get over my ex-wife BEFORE I get involved with another relationship. Therefore ... I must wait.

Good luck to you and whatever you decide.


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## brighterlight

Kauaigiy, 

Kauaigiy,
:iagree:

Good statement on the:

_I'm recently divorced and I already have a nice lady who is interested in me. However, I NEED to completely get over my ex-wife BEFORE I get involved with another relationship. Therefore ... I must wait._

I 100% agree, it is not fair to your nice lady if you can't give her your full attention. When and how you manage to get over that, I would like to know.


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