# Calling the OW spouse



## magmag (Dec 2, 2009)

I know it's been covered that nothing good can come out of calling the OW herself but what about that person's spouse. I suspect that he has no idea what is going on. Doesn't he deserve to know?


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

What's the difference? I don't believe in meddling unless it's my immediate family, friends, etc. If everyone went around passing judgement, making calls, correcting everyone I would become a hermit!!


----------



## magmag (Dec 2, 2009)

What's the difference? Cause I feel like she's a piece of **** and deserves to have her life ruined like her and my piece of **** husband ruined mine. I feel bad for him but he deserves the truth right?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

h*ll ya he deserves to know. id tell him.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Go for it if that's your attitude!! "Misery loves company!!"

Know this!! That someone like ME!!! Would not want someone like YOU calling me because I WOULDN'T WANT TO KNOW!!

For all you know their marriage could be great in his eyes, they could be having tons of fun, and her secret a secret. I don't believe in screwing up other people's lives out of revenge and vengeful payback.

So, like I said deal with your life and your problems and leave them alone. What is causing more sadness or pain in the world going to do? Except satisfy YOUR URGES FOR PAYBACK!!

Don't assume everyone would want to know if their spouse was having a affair because I'm not in that number!!!!


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

magmag said:


> What's the difference? Cause I feel like she's a piece of **** and deserves to have her life ruined like her and my piece of **** husband ruined mine. I feel bad for him but he deserves the truth right?


Your life is "ruined"? 
Crap!

umm no it isnt


----------



## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

I would like to know if I am the spouse. Being an economist my training, I am used to thinking that people only make informed decisions if they have the right information and data presented to them.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I'm not trying to sway anyone my point is some don't want to know. IMO, I would just focus on "my" life not everyone elses.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

OhGeesh said:


> I'm not trying to sway anyone my point is some don't want to know. IMO, I would just focus on "my" life not everyone elses.


I agree and doing something out of revenge is just "icky".


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you want revenge, you just keep threatening to tell his spouse--you call her late at night and leave cryptic messages about how and when he will find out. 

Seriously, how childish is it to mess up HIS life when SHE is the problem? That is just cruel. 

Remember that this desire for revenge reveals more about you than anything else. Do you really want to be the person who drags this unsuspecting husband into this mess? Isn't that the OW's job? 

It's ok to have these feelings--just don't act on them, and work to find peace for yourself--which means, work to find ways of letting go of this need for revenge, of this belief that your life is "ruined." Your life has been changed, disrupted. The only one who can ruin it is YOU, by the choices you make moving forward. 

Good luck. I hope you find some peace.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Personally, I would rather know, so I can deal with it, than not know. It's humiliating when you find everything out and realize that everyone knew before you did.

That being said......If you are doing it out of spite and revenge, don't do it! Yes, you would be punishing her, but what about her husband? Is he a bad person...you would be using him to get revenge on her....not good!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Seriously, how childish is it to mess up HIS life when SHE is the problem? That is just cruel.


think about it though, who else might she be sleeping with? she could give the guy a disease. its not just about revenge, it could literally be about his life.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Tough one--the "saving his life" argument. If that were the sole motivation, then maybe. . .On the one hand, who is to say he and his wife (the OW) are even having sex? Or that the OW is sleeping with men other than the OP's husband? Would you call and warn people that there is a risk of X, Y, or Z--without having any reason to think that the risk is actually there? 

On the other hand, if you have reason to suspect a do you have to have a good sense of the risk if a life-threatening disease may be involved?

At the very least, the OP could insist that her husband get tested for STDs. Anything positive, then the other husband deserves to be told, immediately. If negative, then the appropriate action is less clear. 

Of course, the OP herself should be getting tested. If she does not have an STD, then she may give it more thought before dragging this unsuspecting man into the mess primarily for purposes of revenge.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

The unsuspecting husband may well be one of these people that post along the forum desperate to know if their spouse is cheating. Trying to understand why she's witholding sex....
The husband may be happy and unsuspecting but he's living a lie with a person who's hurting him behind his back. People who say they wouldn't like to know, they'll find out sooner or later. Usually too late and when many years have passed. They then just realize that they've been living a lie for lots of years and are miserable. 

Fidelity is part of a marriage unless the partners together decide otherwise. Do that dude a favor and tell him.


----------



## DeeKay1 (Mar 3, 2010)

magmag said:


> What's the difference? Cause I feel like she's a piece of **** and deserves to have her life ruined like her and my piece of **** husband ruined mine. I feel bad for him but he deserves the truth right?


Hi Mag,

Please, do yourself a favor: don't tell him!

While I can see where your gut reaction is to tell him, it's clearly out of revenge, not the feeling that you're doing it for the unsuspecting husband's benefit.

Right now, you are hurting, and understandably so. But the first step in healing is to begin to feel good about yourself once again. And, trust me, by taking the "high road" in this situation, as difficult as that is for anyone who has gone through what you have, you will begin to heal much quicker.

Without question, the unsuspecting husband will find out about his wife's behavior, it's just a question of when he will be made aware of it and by whom.

Right now, looking for peace in your life, and not exacerbating your feelings of anger and revenge, should be your primary goal.
Focus your time on healing yourself, instead of wasting your time on this crappy situation. Don't become obsessed with it...that will only delay the healing of yourself.

Do the right thing: focus on peace in your life...don't tell him.

And, don't forget, the power of prayer can be a good starting point because God is there to listen to you 24/7. And, of course, turn to other avenues such as a counselor, pastor, a friend, etc., so you're not carrying this burden all by yourself.

All the best!


----------



## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I pretty much agree with Nekko. 

I would tell him, not for revenge, but because if someone knew my H was cheating, I would want them to tell me.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I agree with Bluemoon7. Maybe the H of the Ow is trying to find me now but if my husband denies things when I confront him I will so go and find that man.

My H is not aware in what kind of s*** he got himself into.


----------



## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

I gave the OW and my H about a month to stop the affair or I would tell. I tried to be nice and talk sense into their heads. It didn't work and I followed through with my threat. I didn't want to but come to find out the OW's H was looking for me. He wanted to find out if I knew anything he wasn't 100% positive they were having an A. 

So, do I feel bad? Hell no! what I did find out from the OW's H was that she has a incurable STD and has had it for 20 years. My H and the OW had unprotected sex once I was told. So yes it can happen and it was my life and health that was at risk.

The affair stopped pretty quick after that. They messed up a couple times by calling each other. But, I found out about that and called the OW's H again. We made a promise to each other we could let the other one know when they made contact. After a couple times of getting caught my H ended it for good.
So I say wait until you have calmed down and you can think clearly. Then make contact it really could be saving his life or his health and your own.


----------

