# Can a man be dominant and horrible in bed?



## Will55 (Mar 7, 2011)

Hi everyone. I have been lurking for months and I really need help. I have read all of the posts about dominance. I have been married 5 years and within the last 2 years or so have started to see my sex life decline horribly. Before it was easy for us and now it's like pulling teeth at time. My wife can sometimes be not as respectful as I would like. Shortly after we got married, it seems as if she stopped trying or pretending to be as respectful as she was before the wedding. 

My question is this, much of what I have read about bedroom issues and dominance center around setting boundaries, being an assertive Alpha, and making her scream in the bedroom. And I think that is my issue. I am at a point where I get sex so little (once or twice a month) that when it does happen, I am not very good (5 minutes, tops). So my question is this, can a man establish dominance if he is not pleasing his wife as he and she would like? I mean, I cannot image that she is "looking forward" to sex with me under the current state and I don't know how to make it better. I am looking for any help that I can get.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Read all the links.

It's a familiar path you're on.

There is a way to turn it around.


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## Will55 (Mar 7, 2011)

Thanks for responding. I am really down on myself right now and I know that not being confident is a bad thing. It's just hard to be confident when you *know* that your wife isn't happy in bed. I have read a few of the links that were suggested and it gives me some hope.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Will55 said:


> Thanks for responding. I am really down on myself right now and I know that not being confident is a bad thing. It's just hard to be confident when you *know* that your wife isn't happy in bed. I have read a few of the links that were suggested and it gives me some hope.


Read them all.


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

The guy's of the forum will probably help you more with your getting respect/MU issues but I 'd like to share some advice/techniques from a female perspective that may help you to become better in the bedroom as you say that you know your wife is not happy in bed and that you are not very good.

I honestly do believe that it is not just any one spouses job to make sex good, it takes two, she needs to take time and help you to become a better lover and more confident (and likewise you with her), has she ever taken the time to show you what feels good for her, what pressures, speeds, strokes, positions she likes ect? and vice versa?

I would also try not to get to hung up over how long you last as all that will do is increase your levels of performance anxiety and it will in turn maybe make matters worse, you could perhaps try spending more time before IC to help her get off, or even after IC, try and work out together which positions help you last a little longer, trust me you should have fun trying to discover these!!

Also have you tried doing this during IC, where you pull out from her and go down on her for a little while? this should help bring her up to speed and make it a bit more exciting for her while at the same time prolonging you? Or maybe try "edging" where you can feel your O building and you both stop thrusting/pause and do your best to resist the urge to O then when the feeling subsides you start slowly thrusting again, you feel yourself building again and once again you pause, let it subside and repeat for as long as you can or is necessary, We have used both of those techniques and they work quite well, especially the pausing to give oral!!

If you can talk to one another about this, I'm sure most woman would appreciate their partner wanting to do what they can to be a better lover, set aside some time one evening where there will be no distractions and discover what you both enjoy, maybe introduce some toys, she could easily use a vibe on herself while she is in the cowgirl position or when you are in doggie or you can use your hand on her.

You need to help one another to become better, she needs to give feedback on what does and doesn't feel good after all how are you supposed to really know? you could be doing what you think she likes and this might not be what is actually works for her so It's really important to communicate to one another what and how you like things. I know I appreciate it when I get feedback from H or if he helps steer me in the right direction, I don't take it personally as I want to be the best that I can be so I'm happy to take direction where needed as is he and in a way it brings you closer together as a couple and even after all the years I have been with my H we are still learning, pushing boundaries ect.

Quite often I will have an O after IC, it's no big deal at the end of the day it's still good so don't give yourself a hard time if she doesn't make it during IC, you can still do things after to help make that happen (toys can come in handy here to) and sometimes with us girlies it just doesn't happen for whatever reason, this does not mean we are not enjoying things and I know that men struggle to understand that but we can enjoy sex/love making a lot and not reach an O.


and yes us ladies sometimes like it when a guy is dominant in the bedroom and to be thrown down and taken hard but until you have your arsenal of techniques/things that you know drive her crazy I'd probably leave the more dominating side of things until you've got your confidence/ability to where it needs to be. Maybe trying out one or two things above will help you feel better about your ability afteralll if you can see/feel/know she is enjoying herself that in turn can only have a positive affect on you and add on a dose of "personing up" and you will probably have a good time both in and out of the bedroom.


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## Will55 (Mar 7, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Read them all.


I will. i am going thru them little by little. Thank you again.


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## Will55 (Mar 7, 2011)

Star said:


> The guy's of the forum will probably help you more with your getting respect/MU issues but I 'd like to share some advice/techniques from a female perspective that may help you to become better in the bedroom as you say that you know your wife is not happy in bed and that you are not very good.
> 
> I honestly do believe that it is not just any one spouses job to make sex good, it takes two, she needs to take time and help you to become a better lover and more confident (and likewise you with her), has she ever taken the time to show you what feels good for her, what pressures, speeds, strokes, positions she likes ect? and vice versa?
> 
> ...


Thanks. This is helpful.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Some things to consider... Pleasing her isn't just done with one organ (necessarily). You've got (most likely) 10 fingers, two hands, lips, tongue, and god help us if it gets to this, 10 toes, 2 elbows, etc... Learn to use what you've got. Sex doesn't have to just be "in and out" till you're done. 

Other suggestions... Bring toys into the bedroom. Porn if she's interested. Let her come first, as much as she likes BEFORE your 5 minutes start. Show her that you're as interested in her pleasure as in your own.

Being dominant has nothing to do with being a good lover (in my mind, anyhow)... Savoring the pleasure of your partner, learning what turns them inside out, that's what makes you a good lover. Manning up might get you the interview, but at some point you have to deliver on the job, ya know? 

As far as being dominant goes, my current partner has commented on the fact that I don't ask her before I do something, or get her to move into a new position... Not complaining, just commented on it. I just do it, and pay attention to how she responds. So in a number of ways, I do dominate her. Gentle hair pulling or guiding her head, a slap on the rump once in a while when she's not expecting it, holding her to keep her from pulling away when she thinks she's had enough... But at the same time, always mindful of how's she's responding, and how she's responded in the past.

C


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Star said:


> The guy's of the forum will probably help you more with your getting respect/MU issues but I 'd like to share some advice/techniques from a female perspective that may help you to become better in the bedroom as you say that you know your wife is not happy in bed and that you are not very good.
> 
> I honestly do believe that it is not just any one spouses job to make sex good, it takes two, she needs to take time and help you to become a better lover and more confident (and likewise you with her), has she ever taken the time to show you what feels good for her, what pressures, speeds, strokes, positions she likes ect? and vice versa?
> 
> ...


Good Post. As far as lasting longer, Besides masturbation, I would suggest learning to control your breathing. Keep your breathing constant no matter the pace of your activities. To give an orgasm the "Come Hither" method works for us when Im giving her oral. You should be able to find it with google. IMO you don't really give a woman an orgasm. She has to be active participant to make that happen. Like someone else mentioned stop being passive in your sex life. There is a poster on here that wrote an article on the ten second kiss. I think that's a good barometer of where you and your wife's intimacy is at. Read up on it and go for it. You',ll find out how much work you have ahead of you. Good luck.


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## bossesgirl26 (Jun 19, 2011)

In my marriage, part of being respectful to my husband is being available in bedroom. My husband is big on respect. Bedroom stuff is big part of manhood, obviously. My husband likes orgasm daily. Once or twice a MONTH would never fly.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ask yourself if the only times when you are loving to her are the ones when you want sex? If this is the case, then your W sees you as though you are a relative who only comes to visit her whenever he/she needs something of value - money - from her.

Here is something for you to consider:

I found out some time ago that if I approach my lady and give her lots of loving hugs and passionate kisses but without the intention of making love, I will not only get sex from her but she will literally rape me on the spot.

Also just being there for her as a sounding board whenever she has a rough day at work, or with family and friends. Of course I resist the temptation to give her advise - a universal guy thing I guess - and simply validate her feelings at the moment has also resulted in some amazing sex later on.

Lastly, on those rare occasions when she wants to push my buttons, I respectfully tell her that I do not appreciate her behavior towards me and if she continues I will end the relationship - and I really do mean it. I have the utmost respect for her but I also demand respect from her as well. Putting my foot down - growing a pair - has not only resulted in a sincere apology from her but hot make up sex as well.

Anyway you get the idea.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To ur question...absolutely. If he only goes after what he wants without taking her feelings and desires into account she can perceive it badly. The key is communicating and romance. It sounds cliche as hell but wome looove when a man takes time to let her feel appreciated ..heard.. and wanted. If he just springs it on her and hasn't been communicative recently it won't be as good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> To ur question...absolutely. If he only goes after what he wants without taking her feelings and desires into account she can perceive it badly. The key is communicating and romance. It sounds cliche as hell but wome looove when a man takes time to let her feel appreciated ..heard.. and wanted. *If he just springs it on her and hasn't been communicative recently it won't be as good.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Indeed. And it is also a sure fire recipe for her to build up resentment towards him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PBear said:


> Being dominant has nothing to do with being a good lover (in my mind, anyhow)... Savoring the pleasure of your partner, learning what turns them inside out, that's what makes you a good lover. Manning up might get you the interview, but at some point you have to deliver on the job, ya know?


I just want to add something to this comment- very good way of explaining that. 

I got the new book by our popular poster Athol Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (9781460981733): Athol Kay: Books and surprise surprise he says in Chapter 5 that "having an excellent sexual technique is in fact a BETA male trait". These men generally care about HER pleasure more so than the dominant Alpha males. The Betas generally have the slow hand and the easy touch, doing anything to assure her sexual pleasure. Being married to one, I must agree with this, my husband would be completely bent out of shape if I did not get mine, to the point of the experience being hollow for him. 

Good book, It brings much balance to the Alpha /Beta debate. I am impressed. Half way through so far. I read peices of it to my husband.


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## glen55 (Sep 13, 2012)

Will55 said:


> Hi everyone. I have been lurking for months and I really need help. I have read all of the posts about dominance. I have been married 5 years and within the last 2 years or so have started to see my sex life decline horribly. Before it was easy for us and now it's like pulling teeth at time. My wife can sometimes be not as respectful as I would like. Shortly after we got married, it seems as if she stopped trying or pretending to be as respectful as she was before the wedding.
> 
> My question is this, much of what I have read about bedroom issues and dominance center around setting boundaries, being an assertive Alpha, and making her scream in the bedroom. And I think that is my issue. I am at a point where I get sex so little (once or twice a month) that when it does happen, I am not very good (5 minutes, tops). So my question is this, can a man establish dominance if he is not pleasing his wife as he and she would like? I mean, I cannot image that she is "looking forward" to sex with me under the current state and I don't know how to make it better. I am looking for any help that I can get.


Before you label yourself do you even know what is average time for sexual union with couples. The real world isn't filled with porn stars who go on for hours. Is your real concern about your performance or that you think her emotional attachment to you is weakening and you worry about that. Most couples goes through low sex times for one reason or the other. I suggest you talk to her and express how you feel about what is going on.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Spend a little time down south before you put your penis in her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just want to add something to this comment- very good way of explaining that.
> 
> I got the new book by our popular poster Athol Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (9781460981733): Athol Kay: Books and surprise surprise he says in Chapter 5 that "having an excellent sexual technique is in fact a BETA male trait". These men generally care about HER pleasure more so than the dominant Alpha males. The Betas generally have the slow hand and the easy touch, doing anything to assure her sexual pleasure. Being married to one, I must agree with this, my husband would be completely bent out of shape if I did not get mine, to the point of the experience being hollow for him.
> 
> Good book, It brings much balance to the Alpha /Beta debate. I am impressed. Half way through so far. I read pieces of it to my husband.


Absolutely re beta male. My alpha ex was all about him. My BF is not but man he knows foreplay - he can have me ready without touching ANY of the typical parts! 

And I don't care if sometimes it lasts a short time. I could always give a BJ first then move to my foreplay and guarantee he'd be ready again and last longer the second time. It takes two to solve that problem. 

It doesn't sound like she's being very helpful.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> uSrprise surprise he says in Chapter 5 that "having an excellent sexual technique is in fact a BETA male trait".


He's definitely right in this. Though I always wonder why it's "beta"

Sensitivity, empathy and understanding of her body allows me more dominance and control. To me, that's more "alpha" then being "dominant by shoving it in and selfishly focusing on one's own pleasure"


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